#726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

hey this is red man coming live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony given out by cognitive

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Make some noise for Brian Redband, everybody.

And make some noise for the best goddamn band in the land.

Oh

my God!

Unbelievable.

Yeah,

yes,

fuck ya,

fuck ya.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

oh yeah

oh my god

we're really doing it red band

every Monday we're doing it live

please say hello to the Taco Bell horn section

Carlo Sosa Raul Vallejo Fernando Castillo, dressed as Stevie Wonder.

And on the sticks, Big Mike Gonzalez getting bigger every week.

We put a pencil up to his dick and measure how big he's getting every week.

Big Mike, cool hat.

Big Mike getting bigger.

Speedy Gonzalez, we call him behind his back.

And behind me, Matt Muelling on the guitar.

Keep it going for Matt Muelling.

John Dees right behind me, the great John Dees.

And speaking of Dees, keep it going for Dee's Madness.

Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only.

Oh my God.

We've got an amazing episode planned for you.

I can't wait for you to see what we have, but before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors who make it all possible.

That's where we talk about Ignito,

Incognito, and Tacovis.

Tacovis.

That's a fun word to say.

Tacovis.

Sounds like something Dean Madness got at a rub and tug.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

Oh, my God.

Attention, all small biz owners.

At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.

With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.

Visit the ups store.com/slash guarantee for full details.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments, it's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Visit blinds.com now for up to 50% off with minimum purchase plus a professional measure at no cost.

Rules and restrictions apply.

Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what?

You know, for the last 12 years, I've been booking this show.

And when I say tonight might be the best fucking show I've ever seen,

what I mean by that is it might be the best fucking show you've ever seen.

We've had comedians, we've had rock stars, we've had actors, and every show, every show, Michael Gonzalez, I say, how can we top it?

And we do.

We've had every type of person.

We've had guy, girl, black, Jew, crutches, wheelchair fat gay not gay people who lost their socks at the hotel

every type of person

but tonight i have put together a lineup that would make bill cosby wish he wasn't a rapist

because this panel tonight is two of the greatest Kill Tony legends in the history of the fucking show.

Two legends of stand-up comedy, two of the best comedians in the fucking world.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

We're really doing it.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's episode of Kill Tony, Two of the greatest comedians you've ever seen tonight on the panel together next to each other in Austin on the panel together

on the panel next to one another ready for comedy on the panel together tonight on the panel together

They've been here before and they're back ladies and gentlemen I present the great and powerful Ari Shafir and Mark Norman

my God.

Oh

my God.

Mark Normand, Ari Shafir.

Good to see you guys.

Tony, you look more ethnic.

What's going on?

You look like an Uber driver.

These guys have been on the show before.

You know how how it works.

What a crowd tonight.

Ari, what a crowd.

What a crowd.

Every Monday.

Tony, you are exuding just a pure heterosexual energy I've never felt from you before.

I did six push-ups in the alley.

Let's cut to a clip.

We don't have it.

You guys know how the show works?

Over 200 innocent souls have written their names down for the opportunity to get plucked out, unbeknownst to them.

They'd come on this stage to do stand-up comedy for 60 seconds of uninterrupted fun.

They know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten.

They know, God fucking damn it, Red Man.

It's okay.

Fuck it, we'll do it live.

60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy.

They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of the kitten.

That'll let them know it's time.

How many, it might be multiple kittens, depending on what Red Band's doing.

They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of the kitten.

If not, they're gonna they're healthy.

Jesus, Brian.

Angry West Hollywood bear.

That'll let them know their time is definitely up, and then we will conduct an interview.

We'll all talk to them, and we'll hear about their lives, what they're up to, what their love lives like, if they have any hobbies, all that stuff.

And they'll get feedback from the great Ari Shafir and Mark Norman.

One more time for the great Ari Shafir.

Guys want to start the show off?

Pick a couple of names for me.

Just one.

Just one.

Don't be greedy.

Just one.

Don't be like like Red Band at the buffet.

Just one.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Tonight's show, we are starting with a golden ticket winner, the newest golden ticket winner, someone who's only been on the show once before.

This is their second time.

performing on Kill Tony live at the mothership.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the return of Charlie mack

austin we keeping it weird

yo i love it here like austin has some of the most beautiful dikes i've ever seen

no dykes don't get enough credit sir would you ever fuck a dyke no

you don't like jelly used coochie

i used to say i never fuck a dyke, never.

Where I'm from, we call them studs.

And I looked on Facebook and it said studs was an acronym.

Yes, S-T-U-D-S.

Stanford stealed titties under that shirt.

I said that in my last show.

One of them studs got mad.

She jumped up, said, it don't stand for that.

It's Stanford slanging this unreal dick, sir.

And then she got mad and told her little dyke friend, he think he funny.

Go to the truck and get the strap.

So, first, I was scared she was getting the gun.

Then I started praying she was getting the gun.

Because if strap is short for strap on, different conversation.

I got scared, like, um, excuse me, Mr.

Ma'am.

Please don't get the big black nine because it might be inches or a millimeter.

I don't know.

Thank you.

Oh my God,

Charlie Mack, you've done it again.

You've done it again.

Wow.

Second time on Kill Tony, Charlie.

Yeah, yeah.

How'd it feel?

You're sweatier this time.

Charlie, you're sweating like P.

Diddy on the stand.

The panel looks a little different.

I don't know what it is.

Tony got on Netflix.

He upgraded.

Look at this guy.

I feel like it's Timu.

I don't know.

Timu Hinchcliffe.

That's funny.

You look like a giant UPS package.

Thank you.

Tell your mom I got a package.

Oh my God.

She's a...

I fucking love it.

Charlie, where are you from again?

I forget.

Where are you from?

Chicago.

Chicago.

And how long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

Six years almost.

Six years.

Can I guess?

South Side?

No, West Side.

Oh.

Oh.

The other black side.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Is there a super...

What's the blackest part of Chicago, Charlie?

The city.

Whatever part he's in.

Right.

Okay, okay.

Very good.

Charlie, how long you been in Austin, Charlie?

I've been here going on five years.

And what do you do for fun?

Everyone knows here that I write my books, my children's books.

That's right.

What?

Yeah.

What?

Yes, I write children's books for adults.

Yeah, y'all see it?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Man, fuck them kids.

Yes.

That's Kevin Spacey's motto.

The great Kevin Spacey.

Gotta poster him above my bed.

Charlie,

what do you love about Austin, Texas?

Have you had the food?

Just kidding.

I know the answer.

No, I just said it's the dykes.

They're beautiful out here.

The who?

The dykes.

The lesbians?

Yes, the manly ones.

Right.

And what makes them so manly, Charlie?

Manly means when someone shows like a sign of like a man.

Right, right.

But they have, they're lesbians, but you said they're manly.

Yes.

what do you mean what do they

they be in the in the man's section of the stores taking all the big clothes

right and that and that's a problem for you yes yes because i try to get my size but they end up having to get skinny jeans i don't like that

those are skinny

they wasn't when i first bought them

charlie what was the last time you had a vegetable

i'm actually vegan

no way yeah i've been vegan for a year now.

Wow.

I love 160 pounds.

160 pounds.

Yes.

What?

Congratulations.

Unfuckable.

Down to 840 pounds.

No.

I'm regular fat.

I was.

Oh, my God.

It's coming fat.

Do you have other...

How many fat friends do you have, Charlie?

Just your sister.

That's it.

Oh, shit, Tony.

Whoa, wow.

Okay, got me.

Play something fun, Red Band.

Perfect.

Fuck you.

Charlie, you've done it again.

Second time on the show.

First time, got a golden ticket.

You came out, you did it, you said it all.

Anything fun we should know about you before we let you go?

From my book sales last time, it upgraded my life.

I went from go.

Thank you.

thank you yes yeah I went from I went from it raised my tax bracket I went from go Joe to let's make America great again

believable

my people can help you with that we'll figure it out

they told me to get an accounting but I think I'm going to jail

You'll be fine.

You'll be fine.

We'll bring those taxes down to $1 a year.

I'm in the club now.

Just don't drop the soap in jail because you you probably won't be able to stand back up.

Charlie, you did it.

You came out.

You did it.

One more time for the great Charlie Mack, everybody.

Golden ticket winner.

There he goes.

Oh, my God.

We're doing it.

Are you guys having a good time so far?

Is this not the best fucking night of your lives?

Our first.

That was a lot of sweat.

That was a lot of sweat.

When's the last time you sweat that much, Ari Shafir?

When I visited Auschwitz and they reopened.

Perfect.

Our first bucket pull of the night

goes by one name.

I love a good one name.

I love a good two name, but I love a good one name.

He actually works here at the comedy m.

Huh?

It's a guy.

He works here.

Well, let him decide.

It's 2025, Red Band.

He might be a guy tonight and a woman in the morning.

Please give it up for Fuzzy, everybody.

I believe the best superpower

is the ability to freeze time

because you're in control.

You got to remember, they

don't want you to have superpowers.

They, the Jews, do not want you to have...

But when you freeze time, you're in control.

And the perks are motherfucking sweet.

Everyone here would do the same thing immediately.

We're going to the bank.

We'd all do it.

Come on.

You'd go to the bank.

You'd see the teller.

You'd wait for her to open up the vault.

freeze time,

and then

holy shit.

And then you'd leave the bank.

And if you're a girl, you can look through his phone, whatever the fuck you guys want to do.

I don't give a fuck.

Thank you guys so much.

Oh my god.

Fuzzy, great job.

Fuzzy, how long have you looked like you go to Sesame Street begging the Muppets for change?

Oh my life.

Hey, one time for Tony fucking Inchcliffe, everybody.

Come on.

Okay.

Fuzzy, you make me look not Jewish.

You look like Muzzy.

Fuzzy the Muzzy.

Hey, are there any Indians in here?

And they're not allowed in.

Rogan.

Good.

Pakistan forever.

Oh, shit.

All right, all right, easy, easy.

You know what's going great when you scream at the end of your set.

Fuzzy, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Five years.

Five years.

What's your favorite thing about it?

Drive an Uber?

Probably the dick.

Probably all the dick I'm getting.

You

gay?

You're a gay man?

Nah.

Oh.

What would be the first thing you'd do if you were gay, Fuzzy, now that we're here?

I'd suck your dick and try to become a regular, probably.

Get in line.

Fucking unbelievable.

Fuzzy, you treating those cancer spots in your forehead at all or just letting it ride?

Just let it fucking ride, dude.

This shit's almost over anyways.

I think I got like two months or something like that.

And what do you do during the day, Fuzzy, when you're not at the mothership?

I like to go for walks.

Where do you walk?

Around the east side, motherfucking East 5th Street.

How big is your vest?

Bigger than Tony's.

Nothing, Red Band.

Perfect.

You're a rubber ducky, fuzzy.

That's something Tony would actually probably say.

Fuzzy, what's your love life like?

It's good.

It's chill, bro.

I actually,

I met a girl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, chill, bro.

he's allowed it's allowed give him a chance some horizontal give him a chance yeah who the fuck is that the fucks laughing like you can't get any you're here with a guy

oh my god

got him you look like you like dick in your mouth

okay okay okay

Life's good.

Love life is good, dude.

I've been fucking I don't know.

I got this fucking I stopped masturbating, so I got chi now.

What?

Chi?

I got chi.

Now, chi is your semen.

Whoa, is that what you call it?

And it's so.

No, you know about chi.

All right, no.

I love chi.

But I also love pat tie.

Fuzzy.

Fuzzy, I would drop the chi and go with chi a pet on that head because that is a love of a bald I've never seen before.

All right.

All right.

All right.

I love you, buddy.

You look like uh, you look like Ari before the camp.

All right, all right.

All right, we got to let this guy get back to his food truck.

What are you doing here?

Come on.

Fuzzy, you did it.

Here's a little joke book.

See you later.

Fuck off.

One more time for Fuzzy, everybody.

There he goes.

Fuzzy, you did it.

Hey hooked with me two times.

He killed both times.

He worked with me here.

He fucking crushes.

Quick, quit, you so.

Chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more, can make me feel like a spectator in my own life.

Botox, onobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine.

It's not for those with 14 or fewer headache days a month.

It's the number one prescribed branded chronic migraine preventive treatment.

Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor.

Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk.

Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck, and injection side pain, fatigue, and headache.

Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness.

Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lugerick's disease, myasthenia gravis, or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Why wait?

Ask your doctor, visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-Botox to learn more.

Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys.

Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Make your next cocktail with Tito's, distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas.

40% alcohol by volume.

Savor responsibly.

Everyone here at the mothership is being groomed to.

You son of a bitch.

Oh my God.

Unfucking.

Unbelievable.

I finally, I finally work hard enough and save up enough money to buy my own clone of myself.

And then you lock me inside of my own closet and try to host my show.

You got it.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

I gotta tell you, I heard a little bit of those interviews.

They were dragging back there.

Could really hear the wheels turning on you.

And I didn't realize my clone would sweat more than me.

It's not easy, is it, clone, to kill clony?

Tony Hinchcliffe and Tony Hinchcliffe.

By the way, Dwight.

It really is Pride Month.

This is what we call a Mark Norman wet dream.

This is kill to me.

The only thing better than one of me is two of me.

And now, back to the show.

All right.

Oh, you have.

I made a couple notes.

Puerto Rico is not going to like this.

Oh.

Oh my

God.

All right.

Back to the bucket we go.

I'm very excited to be here.

Just finding out it's not you.

I thought the whole time.

I don't know.

This is an extra fun episode, if you ask me.

Who books this shit?

Do I look good smoking a cigarette, by the way?

I don't say my S is like that, by the way.

It's not a cigarette.

I don't smoke

cigarettes.

Back to the bucket we go.

Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is friend Fisco Rincon.

This guy was like, don't trip.

That's fine.

I'm gonna

fuck your mom later

after I clean her house.

I am from Puerto Rico.

No, I'm not.

I'm one of the good ones.

Happy Pride Month to this guy mainly.

But yeah, I don't know.

A couple of years ago, I was watching the gay news, CNN.

I don't know if you guys hear Pope Francis, he said, R.I.P.

Pope Francis, a couple of years ago, he said, if you're gay,

you can get married now and you will no longer burn in hell.

It's a real thing.

I don't know if you guys heard about this.

But it made me think, you made me wonder what was going to happen to the gay guys that were previously burning in hell.

Do they make it fair?

Do they make an announcement down there?

Are they like a...

Excuse me if you're here and you're gay, make yourself to the lobby.

We have great news.

What do they do?

Francisco Ring Cohn, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome back to the show, Francisco.

We've seen you multiple times before.

One time before, yes, Kiltono.

You've only been on the show once?

Once, two years ago.

Wow.

What makes me think you've been on a couple times?

You've probably seen me on Rose Bottle.

Okay.

Yes.

I saw you on Rose Battle.

I love it.

So you're not Puerto Rican.

You said you're one of the good ones.

What is one of the good ones?

Mexican.

Okay.

Actually, Tony, I'm go ahead.

Sorry.

I am from Venezuela.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Why boo?

Why boo?

Why boo?

It's gonna rip.

I'm here to tell you guys, despite what you hear in the news, that all Venezuelans are criminals.

I'm here to tell you that we are criminals.

But I know I am from Venezuela, but you know, Venezuelans, we've been getting a bad rep, right?

So, like, when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago, they would be like, are you from Mexico?

And I would be like, no, that's gross, you know.

And

now they are like, are you from Venezuela?

And I'm like, no, I'm from Mexico, you know.

But yeah,

all right.

Have you always looked like Adam Ray with AIDS?

Yeah, you throw a vest on.

We got a third Tony here.

Unfucking believable.

Francisco, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you?

Give us something good.

What's going on?

Oh, man,

living life, you know,

not to brag or anything, but I got...

It's funny because last time I did the show, I had just recently gotten fired.

And I just got fired again.

Wow.

Look at you.

I know.

Look at you.

What'd you get fired from?

Hey, that's what I was going to ask.

You're a fucking genius.

And you're extremely good looking.

Thanks me

Wait, what was that?

What was that?

I smoke a lot of cigarettes.

I don't do that.

I don't do that

Do I do that?

No, I don't

easy Steve Urkel

Good one me.

All right, where did you get fired from?

I'm not gonna say a company name, but I was working as a engineer, remote, sales engineer.

It was really...

They fired you.

Why will you not say the name?

Is it because you can't say engineer?

In my language, that sounded like the N-word.

But

yeah, I don't know if I'm going to have to look for another job.

So I don't want to throw these guys under the bus, you know.

Hey, can I just tell you real quick?

If you got fired, you are going to have to find another job.

That's how it works.

That's how it works.

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

Yeah, no, well.

no doubt about

it

francisco what what's your love life like you're a good-looking guy you seem uh like uh you should be doing good out there for yourself that you fuck

what do you say i bet you

oh yeah no no no i'm doing i'm doing all right i'm not uh i got i got lucky a couple weeks ago i uh

that's what i like about austin lots of beautiful mexican girls here in austin and uh yeah so I went down on this girl from San Antonio.

Uh-huh.

How long did you go down on her for?

Give us an exact time frame.

Morning, night, lunch.

Over under 25 minutes.

It was a good time.

It was a fun time.

It tasted like takis.

Smell it.

What?

Like what?

Sometimes I don't even understand myself, man.

I'm sorry.

I yeah.

yeah.

I

heard you in English last night.

I don't even know what I said.

All right, we gotta deport you.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yep.

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

We're sending you back to

Venezuela.

Well,

Francisco, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show?

A big one, but it's fine.

Guess what, buddy?

I got a new switch.

You get a small one this time.

Catch.

There you go.

Wow.

Oh, throws it back into the crowd.

It slams.

That's a thing.

It's like when you get a baseball hit to you from the opposing team and the person that catches it throws it back onto the field.

That's.

You're good.

You're real good.

All right.

All right.

Let's keep this thing

moving along.

Oh, that's an unlit cigarette button.

Me.

I am out of control tonight.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull, Mike Hallaway.

I don't think everyone who has a cat

also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy.

But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat.

I don't think everyone

who eats blue cheese

also has a foot fetish.

But I do think everyone with a foot fetish also eats blue cheese.

I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile.

But I do think everyone who's a pedophile also drinks lemonade.

I don't think everyone who's the victim of pedophilia

is also a Disney adult.

But I, you guys get it.

How's it going?

All right.

That was fun.

Wow.

Mike Holloway.

This is your first time on the show?

Yes.

Okay.

And how long have you been doing stand-up?

Kind of five years, but more like three because of breaks from COVID and

being broke.

Okay.

COVID was over five years ago.

Are you still broke?

Well, I did.

He's not wrong.

I did like one or two mics before COVID.

Lincoln the whole Lincoln years I had to take off.

I'm bad at counting.

I'm bad at counting.

Sorry.

The OJ trial really fucked up my schedule.

Okay.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

You work at like a...

You're getting aquarium vibes, like you work with pets of some kind.

Anyway, two fun facts about dolphins.

Let's go one question at a time, David.

Dolphins rape a lot.

Oh, there you go.

That's the one they answer.

What do you do for work?

I DoorDash right now.

I just moved here two weeks ago.

So did you save money from another job?

Kind of.

What was the other job?

Amazon delivery?

Amazon, you see?

I thought with aquarium, there's fish in an aquarium.

There's also fish in the Amazon.

I did it again.

Genius.

All right.

All right.

Anyway.

So how much money did you save exactly?

I love people, people in interviews and podcasts, they never ask questions like this.

They never do.

I'm obsessed with a question like, how much money did you save before finding a job where you moved to?

Drum roll?

Nope, no drum roll.

No drum roll.

$100.

There's two fucking hosts here.

None of them asked for a drum roll.

How much did you save?

$500.

$500?

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

What are you going to do?

Are you in your car right now?

Technically, I'm at a I'm camping at a campsite, so

I paid for it.

Water.

Technically, I'm not homeless.

Do you have a tent?

Yes.

So you sleep in a tent?

Yes.

Where do you shower?

At the campsite.

There's shower.

Outdoor showers?

No, it's indoor.

Like a KOA?

What's a KOA?

What is the fuck is that, Ari?

What's a KOA?

Some Jewish shit?

What is that?

Not all not all of us not all of us take world vacations and camp all the time.

Some of us are trying to fucking change people's lives out here.

They know about camps.

Especially the showers at those camps.

Some of the showers are decent at those camps.

It's just the one or two were like real bad.

So explain to us, explain to the people.

People are watching all around the world.

You came to Austin, Texas with $500.

How do you plan on surviving?

What are you eating?

Take us through your actual life.

I go to H-E-B,

and I get a pack of three steaks for like $8 to $12.

Okay.

And I get some corn on the cob, fresh corn on the cob for like 33 cents a piece.

Where do you shove the corn on the cob?

In tinfoil and in the coles.

Does the corner does the corn ever get stuck in that massive gap between your cheese?

Yeah, all the time.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that old corn catcher you got there.

Look at that.

Does your mom see dentists?

How many times do you shower a week?

Good question, Tony.

Exactly.

Every time I come into the city.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay.

Every time I come to comedy,

this is your first shower.

No.

And is it easy to make friends at

the campgrounds?

What?

I hate the questions I'm asking

it really leads to absolutely nowhere yes or no questions don't really work on the show

let me ask you this

I think you're cool you got an outsider vibe you got a real fucking manifesto you're like a manifesto guy I appreciate that What is the craziest thing that you've ever almost done?

Like, you seem like you've had some thoughts cooking.

Like, some, you've read, like, a, a, how to make a bomb book or something before.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, so now it's your turn to answer the actual question.

Back in high school, yeah.

You did what?

I read the anarchist campaign.

Okay, other than the thing that I fucking said that you did, you get to use your entire life right now as a reference point.

What's the weirdest or most criminal thing you've ever almost done?

Not the one that I fucking guessed.

That you're like, yeah, I did do that.

I'm asking your whole life, did you ever think about

a couple times?

I almost drove the Amazon truck off a bridge.

Whoa, okay, okay.

Now, take us through this exactly.

First of all, were there a lot of packages in the Amazon truck?

That's why I didn't get my vest.

Oh,

so good.

Okay.

So

did you really think about it?

You thought about driving the Amazon truck off a bridge?

Oh, yeah, I thought about it.

Yeah.

Okay.

And how were you going to do it?

Were you going to kind of like go to the bridge and then hard right turn off of the ledge?

Or were you going to kind of like take it at an angle?

What was your plan?

No, I was going to, it was an EV, so it's really got some acceleration.

So yeah, I was going to get it going and then just crank the wheel and jump out the window, jump out the door.

Oh, you weren't gonna kill yourself you weren't gonna like

oh

i thought about that too i did it

oh wait a second this is treason i did for a second but then i was like i can jump out yeah i like it you're just bezos over not yourself yeah yeah i'm all right with that bezos so you were just gonna selfishly drop a bunch of people's packages in the water Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

All right.

What's the other craziest thing about your life, Mike?

Give us something good here.

Other than almost driving an Amazon thing, what's a fun fact about your life?

Did you have a weird childhood?

Were you molested?

A lot of pedophile jokes.

No, I wasn't molested.

I did have a weird childhood, though.

I moved around a lot.

I was a fat kid and a nerdy kid and the new kid all the time, so I got picked on a lot.

What?

What was the meanest thing somebody was?

Sorry.

Shut the.

I'm fucking talking.

What was the meanest thing somebody ever said to you at school?

I don't remember I said a lot of mean shit too cuz I would I would basically

For the I to deal with bullies I would basically like roast them I didn't know the term back then, but

I would roast them and then like if they put hands on me then I would like just go full out like right away.

So you you killed a kid?

No.

Beat the crap out of a couple of people.

You look like the bad kid in Toy Story.

Oh my god, my God.

The neighbor?

Yeah, Sid.

Sid.

Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid.

I do like firecrackers.

Where are you hiding Andy Slinky?

Here's a big joke, but congratulations.

Congratulations.

There you go.

On to the next one.

I like that guy.

There he goes.

Something about him.

For real.

This is cool.

Grew up on a fireworks stand.

Oh, you know what that means.

The beautiful

Heidi is here.

Wow.

Someone's rooting for Ari from the audience.

Let's go, Ari.

Wow.

A guy wants you to be funny right now.

Farts.

All right.

All right.

This looks like a new name.

I'm excited about it.

I love new names.

You love new names.

It's my favorite thing other than my condo.

Unfucking.

We're doing it, Red Band.

We're really doing it.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Candace August, everybody.

Candace August.

All right, my husband's Muslim, and when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual.

For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called

the Nikah.

I will spell it for you.

It is N is in Nancy, I, K is in Kangaroo, A, H is in Harold, the Nikah.

Problem is, I had not seen that word written down

before I heard that shit out loud.

Picture it.

On my wedding day, I'm standing there in my dress.

I'm looking at my husband, so in love.

The guy walks in.

He's like, We are gathered here today to celebrate this blessed nickel.

He kept going, in the eyes of Allah, all niggas are beautiful and wonderful.

This nigga today is special.

I was just like, what the fuck did this nigga say?

What did he say?

Thanks for the compliments, dude, but you can call me Candace.

Fantastic set.

Wow.

By Candace August.

Welcome to the show, Candace.

Thank you.

Is this your first time?

It is not.

You've been on before.

You were great.

I remember you.

Thank you.

I was on in January.

Yeah, welcome back.

Thank you.

I figure I have to keep signing up.

It's the only way black women are ever going to get on this show.

Well, it's also the only way anyone gets on this show.

I love that you have to be a victim of race issues.

Would never expect anybody like you to do that.

You people never do that.

For this is the fairest, most diverse show in all of show business.

Incorrect.

How dare you.

Oh shit, two Tonys.

Oh my God.

I'm getting roasted by the bouncer at Fraggle Rock.

Oh my

God.

It's Ma'am Patterson.

It's pretty fucking good.

Hello, Ari.

How are you?

What's up?

How you doing?

Pretty good.

You two know each other.

No, I just was, I already dapped him up and I stole it.

Choose motherfucking black hookers, Tony.

I wanted to, that's not even funny, but I just wanted to,

I just wanted to acknowledge everyone on the panel.

Hello, Rip.

I love it.

I love it.

So, Candace, remind us, what do you do for a living?

What's going on?

I'm Ari's call girl.

Didn't you hear?

No.

No.

We talked about this before.

I work at a debt consolidation company.

Okay, a debt consolidation company.

I don't understand what that is.

Doesn't translate to the function.

Amazing.

And what do you do for fun?

I like to travel a lot.

And comedy's fun.

I love it.

Where do you travel to?

What are some of your favorite places that you've been?

My favorite place is Cuba.

That's the favorite place I've been.

What do you love about Cuba?

I just, I'm from New Orleans.

Yeah, I know.

You went to Brother Martin.

I know.

I went to Ursuline.

You look at the connection down there.

I've performed with him several times.

He never remembers me.

But

it's fun.

It's fun.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I opened for him at Magoobi's and a bunch of other places.

Sorry.

Are you from Maryland?

No, but I lived in the DMV at the time when I worked with him.

You lived in the

DMV?

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, it's DC, Maryland,

Virginia.

Wow.

And they call it the DMV.

Wow, you look like you'd work at the DMV.

Oh, my God.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

We're really doing it.

I was answering you about Havana.

So I'm from New Orleans, and Havana has a very like

New Orleans type of feel, a very, like, it has a lot of soul, and it's a very small place, a lot of live music playing all the time.

It just, it just.

The sweet sirens.

It just reminded me of home.

That's why I like it.

Absolutely.

It's amazing.

What do you love about Austin, Texas?

It also, so 6th Street specifically also reminds me of bourbon.

Yeah.

It reminds me, it's a very bourbon-esque feel.

All the live music and then there's this concentrated like four block radius where everything's happening.

It's just like bourbon.

Yeah, except cleaner marginally.

Yeah.

You got a man?

Are you married?

Is that what that ring is?

Yes.

We

talked at long length about it last time.

My husband's Indian.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

The rare mix of an Indian man and a powerful black woman.

Yeah, you were very interested in that subject, the left.

Well, it's a very rare combination.

I study these things.

I'm a people person.

How does the family go for it?

How does this family go for?

So, I mean, they weren't very happy at first, but not really because I'm black, just mostly because I'm not Muslim.

Why would you do this to the family?

Why do you bring home a demon woman?

This dude.

I do voices too.

Yeah.

You did quite a few the last time I was here.

Yeah.

You and the Indian husband, Nika Masala.

That is.

Too close.

Too close?

A good one.

A good one.

Right on the borderline, Mark.

Right on the borderline.

Sorry.

And what does your husband do for work?

He also works at a Zeb consolidation company.

A different one from me, though.

Wow.

Until Debt Do You Park.

Absolutely.

Oh, you like that one.

That one was.

That one was no.

We don't like working at the DMV.

That one was no.

Zet consolidation humor, really.

Go take that around the office.

All right.

Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time?

You showed it to him, right?

Yeah, yeah, he watched it from home.

Like, he wasn't here live, but he rewatched it.

How much did he beat you for it?

He did.

You fucking beat you.

Bring up my first sugar guy.

We did it.

He had a kick out of it because you spent a lot of time talking about.

So I had said my husband.

You got a kick out of it.

I said my

kick and two punches.

All right.

So I said my husband wasn't black and you spent a lot of time trying to guess what race he was.

And you never guessed Indian.

I had to tell you.

So that's what happened last time.

So a lot of the interview was about him.

So he actually really enjoyed it when we watched it.

I love it.

Yeah.

And where do you get earrings like that?

Those are great earrings.

I'm so glad you noticed them.

So the last time I was on, I had knives, right?

So it's like the kill Tony vibe and no one ever noticed them.

So thank you, Tony, too, for noticing them.

Yes, did you buy them at the Target that you got fired at?

I did.

Okay,

no, they're custom.

I ordered them online.

What were you gonna say there, Mark?

Nothing.

Oh,

you got a big joke book last time?

I did, but let me tell you this: when I got it, you had like some that were left over from the HEB Center, and I never got one from the show that I was on.

So, if you can spare another one,

you know what?

Here's an official one.

It's your list.

It's like Angel Reese.

Thank you.

Thank you, Tony.

Good bucket bowls.

You guys have a good night.

Thank you so much.

One more time for Candace August.

Candace August.

And the show goes on.

It has to.

We keep it moving.

Let's do it.

We got to do it.

Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Karen Jones.

I got it.

Some of you may remember me.

I was falsely accused of storming the Capitol.

I've been pardoned by President Trump.

Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before I got the pardon.

Still grateful, but

while I was in prison, I was raped.

Well, okay, date raped.

Okay, it was consensual.

It was still very unpleasant.

And yeah, okay, I was on house arrest.

But it's terrible to be on house arrest because you can't leave.

But I found out that you could leave for medical procedures.

So I scheduled a mammogram, a pap smear, and a colonoscopy.

And I'm telling you, it was as horrible as any other time I've been raped.

Date raped.

Had sex and regretted it, whatever you want to call it.

Thank you.

Karen Jones, one of the most famous characters in the show's history.

A wild, wow.

Some people would call her a batty woman.

Tony, I know you said not to ask questions, but I got a question for you.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

If you're here, who's going to take down the Tiger King?

Mark Norman is

on fucking fire.

You look like the woman who fired Angel from the target.

Or Candace, who was the last person?

That's right.

It was Candace.

Candace.

So,

Karen Jones, give us an update.

What's been going on in life?

I sometimes,

you know, hear about you.

You come up a lot.

I get reports.

Karen Jones is fucking doing this and that.

You're around.

Well, I always try and be in the most interesting places I can be.

Flower shops, plant stores,

barbaritas.

Well, probably one of the biggest changes is I was in a little granny flat out in Dripping Springs on my son's property.

He was going through a divorce.

You remember my son, the real Alex Jones.

Keep going, Karen.

Keep going.

I think you had a stroke there.

No, no, but it could happen.

You're walking a blind guy with this story right now, you guys.

So pick up the pace, Karen.

i haven't known to clear the room okay but uh my son remarried and he remarried a very beautiful woman and it turns out that five acres is not enough room for two women so i've had to move and i'm living out in canyon lake now and uh so let's really break it down yeah it's your son's property am i correct yes he bought it Yes.

And somehow you made yourself so known, so present that they they made you move somewhere else.

Explain to us what a daily routine on a five-acre ranch with Karen Jones is like.

Well, when you're on house arrest, it's very limited.

But normally.

But you have the whole five-acre five acres.

I also had three kids I was taking care of and the main house.

So I became the...

Taking care of your son?

No, his children.

Wait, were you really under house arrest?

All right, everybody is with it except you right now.

You're the only person confused at all.

The crowd is now wondering why you're confused.

What's she under house arrest for?

Storming the Capitol.

I thought that was in June.

No!

Real fucking story.

I know.

I know.

This is Kill Tony.

All right, this is the only place you can meet real people that have stormed the Capitol other than Fox News.

I did not.

And if you you recall, I've said all along I was invited in.

I was.

I was invited in.

The Capitol has the vampire rules.

The Capitol is

normally open.

The door was open.

We asked permission to go in, and my husband had never been inside the rotunda or no better time than January 6th, 2021.

Right on queue.

But what happened is they invited us in, and I took a plea deal so I couldn't speak as freely on your show.

But that's why I got the 90 days.

My lawyer was shocked.

I didn't just get probation, but I told too much.

Like, I told that no police had died, only J Sixers.

And so I got it.

Cool nickname, by the way.

Well, we went to Memorial Day to a J6 reunion.

J6 reunion.

Oh my God.

Holy shit.

The crowd knows how to party.

Yes, she does.

The crowd goes wild.

Well, because they believe me that we were invited in and

we were trapped.

Maybe not all of them, but enough people know now that I can say this without being arrested for perjuring myself on my

statement of facts and deal I signed.

But they invited us in and then they trapped us and they hit me really hard with the billy club in the stomach and then they sprayed my ass.

If they wanted you to get out of there, they should have just invited your son.

Mom, there's just not enough room here at the Capitol for you.

We got to move you to a completely different ranch.

Tens and tens of miles away.

So do you still make it back to, have you been to the Capitol since?

No, just the Texas Capitol.

And they're very nice.

Even when I was on free trial, they let me in.

They're open on Sunday.

Texas Texas had such a nice capital.

And Washington, D.C.

used to be nicer, but it's really went to hell.

Yep, yep.

It sure has.

It sure has.

Just with the Congress, like the Congress inside of it, if you ask me.

What did you do after Dennis DeMenez stole your cookies?

Good question.

Thanks, me.

I can't believe Willie Nelson transitioned.

Unfucking believable.

You're really doing it, Red Band.

So, Karen, anything else crazy going on in your life that we should know about?

Well, you know, I was trying to decide whether or not I should go with the J6 stuff because I have been going to open mics regularly and I've been working on my gay material.

Why don't we hear one of your gay jokes?

I want to hear what you gave.

Do you want to hear one of her gay jokes?

Come on.

I think we do.

I'll give you a bit of my gay minute.

Okay.

It's that I told all my kids growing up I didn't want them to be damaged.

So I always told them that if I find out you're gay, I just won't be able to love you as much.

It's nothing personal, but we all know that homosexuality is caused by overbearing, castrating, ball-busting bitch moms.

And I'm not going to let one of you

make me look like a bad mom.

Wow.

Wow.

I like her.

Put her in the arena.

This might be my favorite bucket pole of all time.

I know.

She is a legend.

She is a legend in Kilton.

Well, you probably missed me talking about your ball sack on Joke World, but you're.

What?

What the

fuck?

Last time I was in here, I saw his balls.

Well, I wasn't in here, it was in LA, actually.

And

I was doing interviews for Joke World, and I've actually seen them a few times now.

And I said, if I were you, I would keep him in my pants because my husband is 73 years old, and he has better-looking balls the whole deal.

My husband looks better.

What the fuck is that?

Just a pants.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

There they are.

Oh Jesus.

Oh my god.

Yeah, that's awful.

Oh, oh my oh

my god.

Oh

my god.

Happy bride.

Yoni, cancel my postmate's order.

No, the bad thing is, is after my husband sees this episode, he'll be like walking around with his dick swinging.

It's funny, when you get older, your dick gets bigger because of gravity.

Yeah.

Except for Ari's, obviously.

Oh, can you imagine what they're going to look like at 73?

That's scary.

Well, he's already 72.

Come on, Mark.

All right.

Oh my gosh.

Asshole, by the way.

I don't know.

Okay, Red Band.

Okay, Red Band.

Red Band.

Red Band's actually got a point.

It is covered in weird balloon knot hemorrhoids.

It is normal hemorrhoids.

Very disgusting.

Mari, your penis to ball's ratio always shocks me.

It is absolutely shocking.

I never understand it.

It is wild.

It's like some type of animal.

I can't quite.

It's like a weird creature you shoved into that zipper pocket.

Yeah.

It's very bizarre.

Gold.

It is one of the weirdest ball sacks.

It appears as though it looks cancerous, by the way.

Yes.

You ever get it checked out?

I'll get it checked.

I have not.

I have not.

Have you had a prostate exam?

Yeah.

Well, it was a hooker.

Karen Jones, you are always such an unbelievably entertaining interview.

Thank you again.

Here's the big one for you.

Fuck yeah.

I caught it.

Not like those other chicks.

Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

There she goes.

Karen Jones, everyone.

Goodbye, Karen.

Great to see you.

Great to see you.

We love you, Karen.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here, Karen.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Tell another 45-minute story.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh,

my god

i'd let her storm my capital

am i right

your next bucket pull goes by the name of aldo caldo

all right one more time for aldo everybody i guess there's no fucking music here tonight all right

I love my women, how I love my coffee sliding off the roof roof of my car.

Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin boy group band called Menugo.

Yeah.

Men, nude, oh.

We used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold-out shows.

And I used to think to myself, wow,

I made it.

I really made it.

I remember I came home with my first million.

In Pesos.

It was like the best hundred bucks I ever made.

People would always ask me, hey, Aldo, how did you know who was going to be the next menudo?

Because they would get molested and then get kicked out or hit puberty.

Was it always the cute ones that would say, Subietia mimoto,

vamos amamar entre los dos?

No, it was always the menudos that set their microphones up like this.

He was was the next Ricky Martin

Aldo Caldo that must crush it taco stands all across the country

very Latino material you know got to represent okay all right there's a couple of people very

store set

hey with the

pizzito piña that's good all right Aldo, what do you do for work?

I tour.

I'm a a musician.

I'm a musical comedian.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About eight years, off and on.

And you've been playing music your whole life?

Yes.

You started with an accordion like a typical Mexican?

No, I actually started on piano and guitar, and I kind of now play accordion.

What do you specialize in now?

Right now, guitar and bass.

Okay.

Acoustic or electric?

Whatever the get calls for.

Brett.

All right, let's get this guitar out.

Let's get him to it out.

I'm dying for playing this guitar.

Let's get him a guitar.

guitar the beautiful heidi with a guitar ready to go

no no covers aldo it's got to be an original song you gotta

make it sound good none of that gypsy king

yeah we don't want to have to give our money to youtube

oh shit they're fucking this is they're communicating back here they're calling out the play

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's do this.

We on, kill Tony.

Funny mother f bad bitches only.

We on, kill Tony.

Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony.

We on, kill Tony.

Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony.

We on kill Tony.

Guitar went out.

Yeah.

Unaccumbia, but I told them because I'm buscando la mon siga.

Let me see.

Put your hands together.

Say, kill Tony, kill Tony.

Kill Tony.

All right, you're not singing or playing the instrument.

That's just my band doing really good stuff.

That was God taking control of that moment.

Is there a switch or something, senor?

Matt Muelling, what would you do to get that guitar to work?

I'll pray the bank.

Wait, you didn't really play that, though?

Yeah.

Well, not really.

Not really.

It was more lyrical.

Let's talk to Gibson to get one that works.

All right.

I'm going to get ICE on the phone.

Ice is on the phone.

They're waiting for me outside right now.

Wow.

I shouldn't even be here right now.

You know, I'm just proud to be allowed.

Where should you be?

Where else would you rather be?

Well, I come from a law enforcement family.

They're all CIAs.

You should be on a deportation center.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, Ari, just just going in the middle of an answer with two other people talking.

Let's go, Ari.

Every time he pulls out that giant, tiny cock of his, he gets real excited afterwards.

By all means, by all means.

Caldo Caldo, I got to get something juicy out of this interview, man.

Give us a real interesting fun fact about your life.

Something fun.

I recently almost

had a felony charge for having weed down in the South Valley, South Texas.

Well, I mean, we've all been there.

How about something else?

What else?

Anybody who's had any weed in South Texas has almost been up there.

Something else.

I have a day named after me like Deep Madness

for doing music here out of Texas representing the Latino Music

Association here in Austin, Texas.

You have a day?

What day is it?

November 15th.

I also turned it into a festival called the Caldo Festival.

Help feed 3,000 families

with caldo and you know soup.

Okay.

So yeah, so you know, trying to get back to the people that gave to me.

So representing

wow, amazing.

Nice of you to give the soup out instead of eating it yourself.

Hey, well, I ate a lot of it.

I got to test it on.

What's your favorite soup?

Caldo de

all of them.

Caldo de Carinho.

No.

Caldo de Rez.

Uh-huh.

All right, Aldo.

All right, we're going to get you out of here.

Here's a medium-sized joke book.

There goes Aldo.

Thank you so much.

Aldo, everybody.

Wow.

Wow.

And now it's time for one of our regulars.

Ladies and gentlemen, this man has been an absolute juggernaut since his arrival here in the Kill Tony world.

He is, without a doubt, one of the most legendary regulars of all time.

And

soon to be, without a doubt, a citizen of the United States of America.

But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin.

This

is Ari Mary.

What's up?

So,

speaking of small dicks,

when are we getting big dicks, huh?

Isn't it crazy there's no developments at all?

Yo, Elon Musk, fuck you.

I don't give a fuck about Mars.

Where's my big black cock?

Isn't it crazy Katie Perry's in orbit before I have a big hog?

And I've looked into it.

No progress.

The only thing you can get

is you go to Mexico

and they don't make you a big dick.

You pay 60 grand, and what they do,

they remove your lower abdominal muscles to like excavate

more dick out of you

sixty thousand

for an extra two inches.

Hey,

I don't need two inches.

Great.

Now we're at four.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

Ari, Ari Maddie.

He has done it again.

Everybody.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

What's up, Tony?

What's up, Tony?

What's up, Ari?

We are are big Ari Maddie fans.

Huge, huge, Maddie fans.

Oh, my God.

Ari, how's it been going?

What have you been up to?

I went to New Orleans yesterday.

You're from there, right?

Whoa, whoa.

Mark Norman is from here.

Dude, New Orleans, if only the French would see what you guys did to that city.

Dude, I went on Bourbon Street.

The smells?

oh my god dude I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose

do you know how bad a place has to be

for an Indian man

Candace August showing her husband around her old hometown

yep

taking him back to see the sights

So Ari, how's life?

What else is going on?

Anything crazy?

I don't know.

Yeah, we went to Mobile, Alabama, and then New Orleans.

The power went out during the show four times in Mobile, Alabama.

Oh, wow.

And they just go, ah, Mobile.

Alabama, roll flow.

Alabama.

Not known for its electricity.

Ari, what's your love life like?

Two Tony's, two Aries.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, two Tony's, two Aries, Walmart.

There's got to be another autistic out there, huh?

Oh, my God.

You know, Ari, I also have huge balls.

It's crazy.

What's what?

Prove it.

No, I'm scared.

I'm scared.

No, no, no, no.

Listen.

Are you like Ari?

Are you mostly balls?

It's 95% balls.

Wow.

Wow.

Literally, my dick looks like it's chilling on a beanbag, dude.

It's fucking.

My horse.

My God.

Your dick looks coming out of a jute tunnel.

My dick looks like it owes my balls money, and now they're all at the ATM.

What does an Estonian dick smell like?

It's clean and white.

Sorry, weird question, Tony?

That is a very weird question.

What does

an Estonian dick smell like?

No, I'm kidding.

Good question, me.

Yeah.

No, we've been having a lot of fun.

We've been drinking, having a blast around this city.

Yeah, I have a problem, man.

I have a problem.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Drink every day, baby.

We've been having a lot of fun.

Yeah, it's so much fun.

Working hard and playing hard.

You can do both.

We can do both.

What else is going on?

All right, that's my,

I'm good.

Cigarettes are tough.

You guys look like Siegfried and Roy.

Oh, this place is absolutely wild.

Ari, you did it again.

Did it again?

You are the man.

Thank you.

Unbelievable.

You'll get your citizenship soon.

Great to see you, Ari.

There he goes.

And it goes on and on.

Back to the bucket.

We go.

Make some place for your next bucket pool.

It's Benjamin Grella.

Benjamin Grella.

Hello, how are you?

Ladies, are you sick of your man's wrinkled old fucking ball sack?

That hairy old dusty nutsack.

Well, I got something for you.

It's called Scrotox.

It's Botox for your testicles.

I don't care if you like the red socks,

the white socks, or don't even wear fucking socks.

For a smooth nutsack tomorrow, use Scrotox today.

It also removes hair

for the ultimate tea bagging experience.

Young lady will be looking forward to that.

My cousin recently married a Chinese girl.

At the wedding,

wedding reception,

they had this fucking beautiful lasso absolutely.

Let him go, let him go, let him go.

You can finish, Benjamin.

You got to keep it going.

They had this beautiful last

souffle that was out of this world.

They had poodle kebabs on a brioche bun,

Beagle burgers,

and leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce.

I never believed that shit, but I do now.

That's it.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey, Benjamin.

Hey.

Good thing you made a finish.

Benjamin is a legend, believe it or not, much like Karen Jones in this show's history.

Yes.

And for the same reason as Karen Jones.

He is not necessarily known for his stand-up during the minute-long sets, but my God, if this isn't one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

Famous for being able to somehow tap into a story that is a thousand times funnier than anything he says during the stand-up part.

It's happened before.

The legendary story of him stealing a man's television while he made himself a sandwich was told on the show.

We've heard of him having many hangs with the Night Stalker.

Yes, actually.

Some other highlights as well.

Well, he has a son.

Okay.

Okay.

They call him Little Richard.

Good calling Miss Molly.

All right.

Never mind.

Like I said, his jokes aren't really that good.

But if we can guide him into accidentally telling a story that he never thought that he would say, you have anything else up your sleeve, Benjamin?

You've had so many highlight moments on the interview part.

I mean, we're really pushing it here.

This is like staying in Vegas when you're already winning.

You signed up again.

You're famous for tapping into unbelievable stories.

Yeah, is there anything that we should know that you haven't told us before?

You must have been kicking something around in your head.

Something fun.

Yeah, I get another story.

What?

I have another story.

Okay.

What's this story about?

It's about

when I was a drug dealer, I owe these Italian guys in New York $80,000.

Oh, great.

Let's

fucking go.

And I didn't have any money.

Give us the right lighting here, Kino.

Benjamin owes Italians in New York $80,000.

He didn't have enough money.

And here he goes.

This, this Benjamin Gray.

Yeah, this was at the height of my heroin addiction.

That's why I spent there $80,000.

Well, actually, it had nothing to do with heroin.

It was my Coke dealer.

I actually owed him $80,000.

And he owed the Italians $80,000.

And there were four other guys that owed him about $100,000.

So I owed him the least.

And their theory was if they killed me, to set an example, the other people would pay up.

Actually, I only owe him $60,000, but

my girlfriend owed him $20,000.

And she was a UCSB student, and she used to sell weed for me.

And

they wanted to put her in a cat house up in Reno to work off her $20,000.

And she's like, well, I'm a vegan.

What are you talking about?

I'm going to graduate this year.

And so I absorbed her 20 grand, which brought mine up to 80.

And my friend, whose name is, we'll call him,

we'll call him Jason

because that was his name.

Here we go.

Perfect.

This is what I'm talking about.

We're doing it, Red Band.

Red Band, we're doing it.

Keep going, Benjamin.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

He was a rich kid from Santa Barbara.

His dad was like the president of the Santa Barbara Stock Exchange or something.

But he wasn't a good drug dealer.

And from hanging around with me, he got strung out on heroin.

And

he didn't get along too good with the Mexicans in the neighborhood.

And I got along great with him

until I accidentally burnt one of the houses down.

I just meant to blow up the car,

but I used too much gasoline.

And the driveway had a little incline to it.

And the gasoline went around the house.

And

you know,

shit happens.

I didn't expect the house to catch fire.

I'm going off track.

This has nothing to do with the Italians.

Hi, Mike.

Yeah, well,

these,

we'll call these guys the Rodriguez brothers.

Because that was their name.

And

they were cool guys.

They were honest, honest drug dealers.

You give them money, they brought the drugs back.

And none of them are home this particular day except their one brother, Jesse.

And he had just got out of jail, like two days before that.

And I figured he was cool like the rest of the brothers.

So I gave him a six grand for an ounce of heroin.

And while we were talking about the heroin, he showed me this vintage car that he was working on.

And he was really proud of this car.

So anyway, I gave him the money.

And after an hour, he didn't come back.

And he left me in his little shack behind his parents' house.

I'm waiting for him.

After two hours, he didn't come back.

And I finally realized his motherfucker ripped me off.

And it was Jason's money, my friend Jason, the coke dealer.

So I had to go back and tell him, I

lost the money.

I fucking got ripped off.

And he's like, holy shit, the Italians are coming.

We have to get all this money together.

So he said, what are you going to do?

I said, I don't know, but it's fucked up.

He said, I'm going to go blow his car up.

Went to the gas station, got a gallon of gas.

You know, I used to blow cars up a lot when I was a teenager.

You know.

The older guys, they didn't want to make payments anymore, so they would

give me 50 bucks and the keys of their car.

And they'd say, you know, drive it around for a week, have fun, and then burn it.

So I did.

First time I did it, I didn't realize you're supposed to leave a trail.

And I poured gas all over the place.

They said, put in the engine compartment, the trunk, the interior, and then throw a match at it.

But they didn't tell me to make a trail.

So I was standing like six inches away from the fucking car.

And I'm like...

And

all my hair burns.

My fucking eyebrows, my eyelashes,

my hair.

I go back to the donut shop.

Oh, yeah.

And they said, wait, wait, wait, hold on one second.

Where did this donut shop come from?

No, donut shop.

Okay.

Okay, go ahead.

Go ahead.

I went back to the donut shop.

My big book is filled too, by the way.

Okay, just keep going.

Come on.

Talk about that later.

It's almost tomorrow.

And they said, make sure you bring the keys back.

If you don't bring the keys back, the insurance company will, they won't, I won't collect.

And I forgot the keys in the ignition.

So as soon as I go back to the donut shop, they say, you got the keys?

And I went, oh, shit.

I forgot the keys.

And they're like, what the fuck happened to your hair?

I said, well,

I got burnt, you know.

So the next day we went to look at the car where they towed it and everything was melted the dashboard the steering wheel the keys were like a puddle on there there's nothing there

anyways that's a different story

about

about Jesse's uh Jesse's sorry I shouldn't use their real name because they might still be around these guys

and they're gonna be pissed off when they see this

Because the very next day after the house caught fire,

I went right back, knocked on the door.

I'm like, what the fuck?

Your brother ripped me off last night.

What happened to your house?

And some fucking asshole blew it up.

My brother's been ripping everybody off, you know, and people are pissed off.

Anyway, so that was that.

So

back to the Italians.

Yes, here we go.

So

Jason's in, hey, you guys got to pay up.

The Italians are coming.

He was saying this for like six fucking months.

And he was a wimp.

You know, he go to score heroin.

He called me one day crying from downtown.

He said, the fucking Mexicans took my BMW.

What the hell?

I told you not to go down there without me.

He goes down there with his tennis shirt and his sweater tied around his neck.

You know how the fucking

Santa Barbara cousin?

Keep going.

Back to the Italians.

Back to the Italians.

So anyway,

he said, the Italians are coming.

The Italians are coming.

And we're like, yeah, yeah, fuck you, Jason.

So finally, at my house one day, my girlfriend was sitting there about six o'clock at night, and there's a knock on the door.

I opened the door, and there's this little guy who looks like Joe Pesci with an afro.

And he goes, hey, I'm Frank.

And this is my friend, you know, Bubber, this big muscle guy.

He said, we're here to discuss your bill with Jason.

I'm going, oh, fuck.

The Italians, they're here.

The Italians have finally arrived.

For those of you that have

completely fallen asleep six minutes ago.

Yeah.

The Italians, they have arrived.

I got distracted.

So Italians are here, and they're saying, Come on, we're going to take you off for dinner.

We want to talk about how you're going to pay us back.

And I'm like, you know, I'm really not hungry.

I just ate.

And my girlfriend's going, like, don't go, you'll never come back.

You know, she's the one that owned the 20 grand.

So, anyway, I did.

We went with the Italians, and they said, you know, we're talking about how I'm going to pay him back.

I said, look, I don't even fucking deal drugs anymore.

I'm just a fucking strung-out junkie.

And, you know, one day at a time, keep coming back.

And

so finally,

I'll pay you 80 grand to finish this story.

Hey, hello!

And I'll double that money if you tell me where Gabby Petito is.

So anyway, I talked them into letting me, my girlfriend got a job in San Francisco

for Chevron, and I told them, look, I got a job at this restaurant in San Francisco.

You guys let me leave town and I'll send you guys like two grand a month, you know.

I didn't have a job in San Francisco.

I lied.

So anyway, they said, okay, you go to San Francisco and you send us that money.

If you don't send us that money, we're going to come up there and fucking use you and set an example for the other guys.

So they'll pay up.

And I'm saying, well, yeah, if you kill me, you won't get the money.

They said, yeah, but it'll, you know, give them the impetus to pay.

the rest of the money and they owe a lot more than you do.

It was like a half a million all together.

So anyway, I'm in San Francisco.

Two, three months go by.

I didn't send anything.

I didn't talk to them or anything.

And one day I'm in bed and I hear, I'm dreaming of a fire crackling.

You know, firewood and crackling fire.

Like 6 a.m.

in the morning.

My girlfriend was visiting her parents in Santa Barbara, so I was alone.

And it wasn't a fireplace.

You're dreaming and then?

And then I thought it was a fireplace, but what it was in reality was my door to the apartment being cracked open.

It was the wood actually cracked right down the middle.

And I see these big guys go walking by my door, big guns, t-shirts, jeans, tennis shoes.

Fucking.

And then one, two, three, and the fourth one.

The fourth one looks to the bedroom and he's going ah shit.

He's in here.

Next thing I know, I sit up like that.

There's three fucking guys

on my gag

come on this is kill tony not rogan

and

so then what happened ben the italians are finally here 20 minutes into the story yeah and they

pour them into your freedom they uh one of them straddled me and the other two are standing on my hands Later on, they told me they thought I was reaching for a gun.

That's why they did that.

And the one in the middle put the fucking gun in my mouth, chipped my tooth, pulled the hammer back, and I'm going, okay, this is it.

I'm going to fucking be dead.

Then a guy comes in the doorway in a three-piece suit with a tie, pulls out a fucking badge, and he goes, Ben Grelly?

I said, yeah.

He goes, DEA, you're under arrest.

So it wasn't the Italians.

You got busted for being a heroin dealer and addict.

Jason got busted in Santa Barbara.

And he had my name and address in his book, my telephone number, and the other four guys, all their names names and addresses.

And he was always telling us, use code, don't use my name, blah, blah, blah, all this shit.

And he didn't do it.

It follows his own direction.

Ben, is there like something big coming?

Is that it?

No, that's not it.

That's it?

No, there's more.

Okay, well, let's get to that stuff real quick.

Anyway, yeah, well, they picked me up out of bed.

I had my fucking boxes on, which happened to have marijuana leaves emblazoned all over them.

And they had me in the

kitchen.

And they were looking for coat because they said you owe him 80 grand and I'm like no no I owed him 80 dollars you guys are fucked up you got your you didn't do your homework it's 80 not 80 grand he he he paid for my friend Zappa ticket I just fucking made up this ticket we didn't go to see Frank Zappa

anyway so the Santa Barbara cops flew up from Santa Barbara and the DEA

Ben

you might have to finish it next time it's a little too long okay long story short I didn't talk.

You can't do that.

Let him do it now.

I'm not listening to Biden.

I didn't.

I didn't talk.

And the Italians actually did.

The head Italian called me up.

He said, y'all, the only one that didn't fucking rant on us.

Everybody else talked.

He had the fucking transcripts.

And I said, well, what about the 80 grand?

He says, forget about the 80 grand.

We had a good day yesterday.

And that was it.

Wow.

All right.

Here's a big joke book, Ben.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations.

Benjamin Grell.

Wow.

Alright.

All right.

Wow.

Oh my god.

Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi.

The lovely Heidi cleanses our palate

from the unbelievable, dreadful story of Benjamin Grell.

Who's gripping a nothing at the same time?

He's really good at it, but that one didn't really

have the twists and turns it normally does.

No, that was like the Irishman.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go.

This looks like a new name makes a noise for Luke Lawrence, everybody.

Luke Lawrence,

everybody.

Here he goes.

Woo!

I know I'm not a confident guy,

and I know I'm not a hot guy.

But I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieved when they walk in my apartment.

Like, I know I'm not, like, a hard day's work.

You know what I mean?

But I'm gonna give her a run for her money for sure.

For sure.

I got a crazy little message from my ex-girlfriend, a little my friend's ex-girlfriend a little while ago.

She texts me, she's like, Hey, Tyler just died.

And I'm like, Holy fuck.

And she's like, Yeah, he just told me he loved me.

And I just pitch her, my best friend, having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately because she couldn't find it right after he died.

And all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he dies.

Nope.

Things aren't always the best they can be sometimes you get fucking cheated on and you know your friends try to support you sometimes when you get cheated on my best friends literally just like yo man She's for the streets.

She's not she's native

She's for the land

That's it.

Holy fuck that was terrible.

Jesus Christ.

Wow, you got the fuck you nailed it there at the end.

You are correct.

That was terrible.

Wow.

All you had to do was get one laugh.

Dude, I know.

All you had to do was anything.

That was hilarious.

Okay, Okay, so Luke Lawrence, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Oh, too long for that.

Okay.

Too long for that.

I only do once a week, though, because I live in Newfoundland.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, so I own the only comedy club in Newfoundland, and it only hosts comedy one night a week.

Okay, well, it's going to close after this.

Yeah.

Oh, dude.

They tried to cancel my show.

They canceled my comedy club like two weeks ago.

It's crazy.

For what?

We hosted

the Danger Cats.

What's that?

It's a group in

a comedy troupe in

Comedy Groping on the Commodore, man.

I forgot about this.

That's interesting.

Exactly.

Is it?

It's a Canadian.

Canadian comedy troupe.

They're coming down here in a few weeks.

But yeah, shit got fucking.

And they were like, apparently they were tied to

neo-Nazis or some shit.

I don't fucking know.

It was.

Okay.

Yeah, right?

Right?

And then the woke people were all flipping out and saying that I was like affiliated with it.

I was like, Jesus Christ.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

You dress like you coach a Nazi basketball league.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why Newfoundland?

That's where I was born.

And, okay.

And then

I moved to Toronto.

I was living in Toronto for a while.

And then the pandemic happened.

And then, like, everybody in Toronto cared about the pandemic.

And I went back to Newfoundland because it's like, I was one of the last people to see the submersible leave.

What do you mean by that?

I have a boat, and I was like hanging out on the boat, and then I seen the submersible go away.

Like, you did the Titan submersible.

Ah.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

That's hilarious.

Let me do which one.

What do you do for work?

I own a comedy club.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

No.

Nope.

No one believes you.

How do you make money?

I own, I fucking, I just, I have a couple businesses.

What are the other businesses?

The other businesses are production company and I'm also a screenwriter.

And I, yeah.

How much money have you made screenwriting?

Too much to talk about on the show, I guess.

Really?

Yeah.

Have you written anything that we've seen?

Yeah, I got a movie called Party Pirate that's on Amazon Prime right now.

Party Pirate.

Party Pirate.

We're my Party Pirate fans.

Party Pirates.

You've seen it?

It's got surprisingly good ratings.

I don't know.

Canada editing, they just made the fucking movie so shitty, I think.

But like...

What is party pirate?

It's my opinion.

Like, literally, like, it was just like, every time I submitted a script, they're like,

this got to come out.

And I'm like, fuck's sakes, man.

Jesus Christ.

It's not the same thing I tried to put out there, but that's it.

Is Party Pilot about an Asia guy who flies planes?

I didn't even hear what you said.

What did you say?

What happened earlier in the show that I'm not getting?

Nothing.

It was right there in the moment.

Because that's how Asians

talk.

This episode is brought to you by Incogni and Tocovis.

So tell us something crazy about your life here.

We're trying to figure something out about you.

I know.

I have a lot of near-death experiences.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've almost died a bunch of times, like a lot too often.

One of them got 30 million views in a day.

What happened?

I drove a

side-by-side, a four-seater side-by-side off like a seven-story cliff, and then I rode it off, walked away immediately, and then the cartel were just like, you owe us $50,000.

Ooh, the Italians are coming.

No, the cartel, the Mexican cartel.

No, I know.

Do you count tonight as one of the nights you almost died?

I bonded on stage.

Yeah, it's terrible.

Holy fuck.

Yeah.

Do you have audiences?

Are you used to performing in front of other human beings?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those jokes,

those three jokes,

they are the most performed, like best performance ones.

What the fuck was that sentence you just said?

I know.

I've got this fluency, too.

I've got a fucking fucking disability, so it's like you can't tell.

We all do.

What is your best joke that you could tell right now?

My best joke.

It's not quick.

Like, trying to perform, like, trying to get a minute is so much harder than trying to do like a three-minute set or any of that shit.

Right, because you have long setups, right?

Yeah, right, right.

Yes, I am right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're going to keep it moving here.

Here's a little joke book, Newfoundland.

Christ, okay.

Aw, everybody's sad.

I mean, he's

doesn't have any, there's nothing to talk about.

There you go.

We're going to keep it moving along.

Keep it moving.

Back to the bucket.

Back to the bucket.

This is surprisingly our ninth bucket pool of the night.

We've been flying through it here tonight.

Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody.

Okay.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, everybody.

Yeah, Neil Rubenstein.

People mispronounce it all the time, too.

Rubenstein, Rubenstein, Goldberg.

I'm named after my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein, but I know that wasn't his name, you know, because he came over from Poland in the 1930s.

So his name was like a bunch of C's and Z's.

No vowels.

Inside out K for some reason.

And just the immigration guys couldn't read it.

They're like, what are you showing me?

A Wi-Fi password?

Like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today.

You're going to be Norman from now on.

He said, my last name's Jones.

Norman Rubinstein.

You guys made me nervous.

Holy shit.

We're giving out a lot of Normans today.

You're going to be Norman from now on.

Norman Rubinstein.

He said, my last name's Jones.

Like, not anymore, Jew.

And they just shoved them back down the stairs.

That's how it was for us.

Never been a good time in history for the Jews.

No one's going to be like, oh, you're Jewish right this way.

Well, once.

Stepped on the well once, but.

All right.

Neil Rubenstein.

Hello, Neil.

Hello, Neil.

You've been on this show before, right?

Yeah, and it went better.

Yeah, it went better last time.

Yeah, that's all right.

What do you think went wrong tonight?

You said that we

got nervous.

I switched because he brought up Jew right away who whoever said Jew

I think they were yelling at Ari by yeah also yeah you know cuz Mark looks Jewish so I was like all right I guess we'll do Jew jokes or there's the rabbi in the middle here that doesn't seem to notice this yiddish fucking overlord quite the matzaballs

yeah

the final boss of Auschwitz the video game here

Ari

Shafir you look like you eat Jews yeah yeah, very good.

You look more like Rubin-esque.

Yeah.

He did that last time.

He did the Ruben sandwich.

So you don't have to, the people are, let the new people make the same jokes that everybody thinks when they see you.

It should be a barometer to let you know exactly what people think.

How long have you managed the animal band at Chuck E.

Cheese?

What do you do for work, Neil?

What do you do?

I just do this mostly.

Surprisingly.

How do you make money doing this?

Like doing shows, road shows, and then also Sirius XM royalties and YouTube stuff.

From a show you have on Sirius XM?

No, I have a record out.

That's right.

And it's in like regular rotation.

You're a musician.

No, a comedy album out.

Oh.

Yeah.

Isn't that concerning?

How long have you been on Stand-Up Again?

10 years.

10 years.

And you're making money doing this.

Yeah.

I mean, not a ton, not as much as you guys, but...

yeah, I mean yeah

You're goddamn right.

I bought my own fucking clone

I have a hot tub in my bathtub

I do have a hot tub in my bathtub

Neil since this isn't going hilarious from your end, let's go the other direction.

Tell us about the saddest thing in your life

of all time.

Like what's some type of trauma that you're dealing with what makes you cry

i uh i tend to talk about my parents deaths a lot yeah what happened there exactly

they uh my mom died just a month after my dad did you eat both of them yes all right so how did they die

uh my dad died it was like concussive symptoms but it was just like he was just like an old man he was an old man and uh my mom died of leukemia so yeah But we didn't believe her because she was like a huge...

Red Ben.

Red Ben.

Red Ben.

She was a huge hypochondriac, so we didn't believe her.

Oh, my God.

So your mom was complaining that she was sick with something, and you guys didn't believe her.

And then it turns out she had leukemia.

Yeah.

So you must be dealing with the guilt of that.

No, not really.

I mean, what the fuck?

If I believed her, what would that change?

She would have gotten treated for leukemia.

Ever heard of chemotherapy?

She was already

like in the hospital.

Actually, chemo, she had breast cancer.

They gave her chemo.

It gave her leukemia.

Wait, she was in the hospital for cancer and you still did not believe her?

Where were you?

The cafeteria?

Yes.

Yes.

I'm so sorry.

She was, yeah,

because like she was always like, you know, I have fibromyalgia.

We're like...

Like, what are the symptoms?

Being mean to me, you know?

Wow, your mom was mean to you.

Yeah.

So then like, yeah, so then she was in the hospital for leukemia and they were

it's okay, I don't know who's doing it, but it's great.

Uh, yeah, she was in the hospital, and my sister was like, Come see her, she's about to die, uh-huh.

And we're like, Yeah, we'll get there when we get there.

And then, what happened?

I got there, like, as she died, like, when you say, as she died, like, because like there's a part where the heart stops.

No, so, like, was it, did you make it, or was it just afterwards, and you feel guilty about it?

Should I be doing bits or no,

no, she just

I wasn't asking you dickhead

yeah she uh you know it seems like you're dealing with a lot of trauma here and uh

um I am gonna bring out someone special to talk with you right now don't worry it's not your mom or dad

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat.

Make some noise.

Swinging in, just to give a quick analysis of the great Neil Rubinstein.

A very, very special treat make some noise for the great and powerful dr drew everybody

wow

legend of the gang the man the myth we know him we love him the great and powerful dr drew dr drew dr drew grab mark norman's mic there Or Neil's, whatever.

And

hasn't been using it enough?

The great Neil Rubenstein ran late to the death of his mother, and he has problems dealing with it.

He says that his mom picked on him.

His parents died, and that's why he says he eats himself to death every day.

Do you have any advice?

I'm taking some liberties with the story.

So you were there when your mom died?

Yeah, we watched.

Yeah, we were there.

And what happened?

No, we just.

Jesus Christ.

She just died?

Yeah, you know, she was like, just wanted her kids around her, and we all said goodbye.

And she asked me to, you know, to make sure I make jokes about leukemia.

Well, sometimes when your mom's

a C,

she does you a favor.

Because when she dies, you don't give a shit.

No, she wasn't.

She wasn't.

Oh, now we're defending them.

Well,

well, what am I supposed to do?

So, is there a food addiction here?

Is that

I don't know.

I just serious shit.

Yes.

Tell us about the food addiction, Neil.

Go ahead.

I don't know if it's food.

I guess.

It is.

It's food.

It's food, bro.

Yeah.

It's definitely food.

Have there been other addictions?

I've fluctuated in my life.

I am fat now.

I'm also old now.

I wasn't always that either.

Yeah, I struggled with that.

You seem like a very sensitive man.

I am a sensitive man.

I see that.

I have

RSD.

Is that a thing?

RSD, what's that?

I have HBO, but what is that?

Really superb.

diet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, yeah, I'm a sensitive.

We're boring everybody to death right now.

Maybe I should meet with him backstage.

You know what?

That's actually a great.

What is RSD, though?

I want to know.

What is rejective?

Whoa, Jesus.

Wow, the audience is wild here tonight.

Wild.

Some guy just yelled regenerative sucking dick.

Just to show you the quality of the fan base we have here.

He's now bowing.

Christ.

What an asshole.

Guys, make some noise.

What just a fun pleasure to get to call him out.

Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, the great American,

Dr.

Drew Kinski, everybody.

This is a legendary show tonight.

We do love you.

Thank you, Dr.

Drew.

We're so happy you swung by.

You never know who you'll see here.

There they go.

They're going to have a little session.

I'm just kidding.

Dr.

Drew, go enjoy yourself.

You can't help that, man.

Dr.

Drew, the only man who can wear a child's small shirt and make it look good.

That's true.

Except for us.

We do a good job, too.

What an episode.

Did you guys have fun tonight?

This was so good.

You know, there's only one way to end an episode like this.

And it is with the reigning defending Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time appearances and interviews.

A man who some people say is the Richard Pryor's favorite comedian.

Some people say that when this man sleeps at night,

God, yes,

he dreams about Dane Cookbits.

That's right.

Some people say that when he wakes up in the morning, Chuck Norris is afraid of him.

He's the only guy who wipes his butt after he pees

a man so hot that he cooks steak on his own thigh

ladies and gentlemen this is the vanilla gorilla the memphis strangler the big red machine william montgomery

And that is true.

I do wipe my butt after I pee.

Anytime I hear someone say, I didn't save my dog, my dog saved me.

I'm like, you stole Lassie?

Wait, were you drowning?

The children's show, Sesame Street, is celebrating Pride Month.

And I'm going to be honest, I had no idea puppets had anuses.

How about those people that say, I'd like to order an iced coffee, hold the ice.

I want to go up and say, I'd like a blow job, but hold the blow.

And they go, wait, what?

And then I'm like, I'm sorry, can I fill out an application?

And on the eighth day, God created Aphex Twin, and Aphex Twin said, no, we just need seven.

And God was like, oh, my God, he's such a genius.

Okay, that's my time, Tony.

Thank you.

William Montgomery has done it again.

Unbelievable.

A long-awaited Apex Twin reference.

It's been a while.

It's been forever.

I started listening to Apex Twin again, Tody.

Yeah.

You love it.

What do you do when you listen to Apex Twin?

Have you been rowing?

Fuck.

Yeah, well, I'm at 980,000 meters.

So Wednesday, I'm going to hit a million meters, Tody, on the row machine.

I got to get my A1C down.

I'm pre-diabetic.

So that's why I'm doing a million meters on the row machine.

Wow.

William, this is the first time I've ever seen long short shorts.

It's the first time, what?

Shut up, man.

I really didn't hear you.

The short shorts.

All right.

Oh, the short shorts.

William, what's your love life like?

Wait, no, William's on every week.

Me?

We know is a love life.

That's right.

But yeah, Tony, I started and finished finished a puzzle.

I started it Friday, finished it on Sunday.

So that's what was the puzzle?

It was a hard one.

We are talking, it was the table of a diner.

It was a cheeseburger on there.

It was two different types of pickles on there.

It was a apple pie.

Keep describing the things that were on the puzzle.

There was a what?

A cheeseburger?

Yeah, there was the cheeseburger.

I mean, we're also talking apple pie.

A couple straws of different colors.

Those were kind of hard.

Sorry, Tony, I just can't get into it tonight.

You can't describe the things that were in the puzzle?

I'm trying, but then it's like they were doing, I don't know.

What's going on, Willie?

I don't really want to get into it right now.

Oh, come on, Willie.

Willie.

It's just friends here.

Well, I'm going to the doctor

tomorrow, Tony.

I haven't told anybody this, but I've been out on the road.

I've been having a great time out on the road, but I've actually turned into a bug chaser.

And that's somebody that has unprotected sex with people with like HIV and stuff.

And I'm getting my STD results tomorrow.

Wow.

Wow.

So seriously, I'm a little worried about it.

And I have fucking high blood pressure, high A1C.

I could have HIV.

What else?

What else might you have?

Fuck.

I mean, they're thinking maybe a little gonorrhea.

I know I got herpes, don't I?

So did it all work?

Oh, my goodness.

What else?

Have you heard of RSD?

RSD?

Regenerative sucking dick.

Yeah.

That was the last guy.

Wow.

When you said you were a bug chaser, I thought maybe you were chasing bugs.

No, it's a.

If you were going to chase bugs, what kind of bugs would you chase?

What's your favorite bug?

What are your favorite bugs?

Oh my gosh, I love little cicadas.

They make really fun noises in the summertime.

Just cicadas, Tony.

That's all I can think about right now.

I can only think.

I'm sorry.

No, what else?

Hold on.

What other bugs do I like?

Beetles?

Ooh.

Red Man!

Stop.

Ladybugs?

Some guy just yelled.

Ladybugs.

What about lady boys?

What's your love life like?

We're doing it, Red Band.

Are you excited that there's two of me up here, William?

You've done the show more than anybody else.

I've never seen it.

I love it, Tony.

It really is nice.

Having two beautiful men up here, like y'all, it really has been so nice, and y'all are laughing at the same time.

It has been so funny.

It's cool.

I've loved it.

Tony and the Zohan.

It's a little reference.

I love it.

All right.

All right.

William, anything else crazy going on that we should know about this?

Just heading to Tampa, Florida, so we'll see how Tampa goes.

Oh, boy.

Tampa.

Yep.

Huh.

Why are you guys cheering for Tampa like that?

What are your favorite cities, William?

Oh, my gosh.

I mean, I've really loved Portland!

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Named a liberal dumpster fire first in the middle of Texas.

Okay!

Another extremely liberal

conservative.

They love

gay stuff.

Oh, my God.

That cigarette's out.

It's beyond the filter.

I've never seen someone smoke that far into a cigarette.

What is wrong with me?

William, anything else?

Don't you name a few more bugs that you love, huh?

A uh.

Oh, someone.

Yep, just.

Why did that bitch say Jacksonville?

He said bugs.

He's like, what kind of bugs?

I'm trying to think of bugs, bitch.

I don't need to fucking.

It's sure as shit, not Jacksonville, you stupid bitch, for the the fucking places I like.

Seriously, what the fuck is that, you stupid bitch?

I'm already obviously having a really hard time up here tonight.

Seriously, I gotta go to the fucking doctor tomorrow, you stupid bitch.

I'm almost at a million fucking meters on the row machine.

I'm sure your stupid ass couldn't touch that, you stupid bitch.

You're probably horribly out of shape.

I've been doing it every day, you bitch.

William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

This episode brought to you by Incogni and Tocovis.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Mark Norman, tell us your what's what's shake and the pods.

You're on tour.

What's the website for tickets?

Hey, MarkNormanComedy.com.

Get some tickets.

Yeah.

The great Ari Shafir,

where are you at?

Mark Norman's film is special November in Boulder, Colorado.

Everyone, come see that.

Wow.

Plugging Mark Norman's special taping six months out.

Are you up to anything?

I've got a new podcast called You Be Trippin'.

Got over 20 listeners.

Ari Shafir and Mark Norman.

We always love it.

The Protect Our Parks boys are in town.

Go see them on the road.

We love them.

We love them.

And we love us.

We love us.

I love me.

Come see me on the road.

Yes, indeed.

Believe it or not, everybody, you're not going to believe this, but this actually isn't me.

It's Adam Ray, everyone.

Kill Tony, Hall of Famer,

guest of the year,

multi,

multi-character legend.

And now, I must admit, this is indeed my new favorite character:

Joe Biden, Dr.

Phil,

I mean, fucking

Jeremy,

Elaine,

Adam Ray,

and all the greats.

And now Tony Hinchcliffe has joined the fray.

Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.

I must say,

while we've always had a guest of the year,

I'd like to announce that this year we will have the first ever Host of the Year award here on this show.

And there are only two nominees, and they're both me, everybody.

It's me and me.

Red band.

Love you guys.

We love you.

We did it again.

You guys were here for another episode of what used to be the number one live podcast in the world.

It is now the number one comedy show in the world.

This is Till Tony.

Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

Then we talk about Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip.

One more time for Red Band.

Kill Tony merch.

What's the website again, Red Band?

Unbelievable.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

KillTonyMerch.com for all your Kill Tony merch.

Kill merch, fuck, fuck, Red Band.

Oh my God.

Of course, follow the Kill Tony band all through Austin.

They're playing throughout the week.

One more time for the best goddamn band in the fucking land.

And now we've done all our

don't leak anything, that's right.

Everything you see tonight has never been done before.

Don't leak anything, don't say who was on the show, don't say why my vest looks bigger, don't say anything about the show.

Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what?

The clock is ticking to get the most of of your summer behind the wheel of the upscale all-electric Jeep Wagoneer S and innovative Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid.

And right now, get 0% financing for 72 months on the 2025 Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid and the 2025 Jeep Wagoneer S.

Plus you may qualify for up to a 7,500 federal tax credit.

See your California Jeep brand dealer and California Chrysler dealer today.

Finance offer not compatible with any other offer.

0% APR financing for 72 months equals $13.89 per month per 1,000 financed for well-qualified buyers through Stellantis Financial, regardless of down payment.

Not all customers will qualify.

Contact dealer for details.

The federal tax credit is offered by a third party and is subject to change without notice.

Please confirm this information to ensure its accuracy and availability.

Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.

Income and other restrictions may apply.

Purchases are not eligible if the customer exceeds adjusted gross income limitations: $300,000 for married filing jointly taxpayers, $225,000 for head of household filers, and $150,000 for single-filers.

Offers end September 30th.

Chrysler and Cheap are registered trademarks.

A happy place comes in many colors.

Whatever your color, bring happiness home with CertaPro Painters.

Get started today at Certapro.com.

Each Certipro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

Contractor license and registration information is available at Certapro.com.