#726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

Speaker 4 hey this is red man coming live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony given out by cognitive

Speaker 7 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 8 Make some noise for Brian Redband, everybody.

Speaker 8 And make some noise for the best goddamn band in the land.

Speaker 9 Oh

Speaker 8 my God!

Speaker 8 Unbelievable.

Speaker 11 Yeah,

Speaker 12 yes,

Speaker 12 fuck ya,

Speaker 12 fuck ya.

Speaker 8 oh yeah

Speaker 8 oh my god

Speaker 8 we're really doing it red band

Speaker 8 every Monday we're doing it live

Speaker 8 please say hello to the Taco Bell horn section

Speaker 8 Carlo Sosa Raul Vallejo Fernando Castillo, dressed as Stevie Wonder.

Speaker 8 And on the sticks, Big Mike Gonzalez getting bigger every week. We put a pencil up to his dick and measure how big he's getting every week.

Speaker 8 Big Mike, cool hat.

Speaker 8 Big Mike getting bigger. Speedy Gonzalez, we call him behind his back.

Speaker 8 And behind me, Matt Muelling on the guitar. Keep it going for Matt Muelling.

Speaker 8 John Dees right behind me, the great John Dees.

Speaker 8 And speaking of Dees, keep it going for Dee's Madness.

Speaker 8 Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only.

Speaker 8 Oh my God.

Speaker 8 We've got an amazing episode planned for you. I can't wait for you to see what we have, but before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors who make it all possible.

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Speaker 8 Tacovis. That's a fun word to say.

Speaker 8 Tacovis. Sounds like something Dean Madness got at a rub and tug.

Speaker 8 We're really doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 8 Oh, my God.

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Speaker 8 Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what?

Speaker 8 You know, for the last 12 years, I've been booking this show.

Speaker 8 And when I say tonight might be the best fucking show I've ever seen,

Speaker 8 what I mean by that is it might be the best fucking show you've ever seen.

Speaker 8 We've had comedians, we've had rock stars, we've had actors, and every show, every show, Michael Gonzalez, I say, how can we top it? And we do.

Speaker 8 We've had every type of person. We've had guy, girl, black, Jew, crutches, wheelchair fat gay not gay people who lost their socks at the hotel

Speaker 8 every type of person

Speaker 8 but tonight i have put together a lineup that would make bill cosby wish he wasn't a rapist

Speaker 8 because this panel tonight is two of the greatest Kill Tony legends in the history of the fucking show. Two legends of stand-up comedy, two of the best comedians in the fucking world.

Speaker 8 We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it.
We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 8 Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's episode of Kill Tony, Two of the greatest comedians you've ever seen tonight on the panel together next to each other in Austin on the panel together

Speaker 8 on the panel next to one another ready for comedy on the panel together tonight on the panel together

Speaker 8 They've been here before and they're back ladies and gentlemen I present the great and powerful Ari Shafir and Mark Norman

Speaker 8 my God.

Speaker 8 Oh

Speaker 8 my God.

Speaker 8 Mark Normand, Ari Shafir.

Speaker 8 Good to see you guys.

Speaker 27 Tony, you look more ethnic.

Speaker 28 What's going on? You look like an Uber driver.

Speaker 8 These guys have been on the show before. You know how how it works.

Speaker 30 What a crowd tonight.

Speaker 14 Ari, what a crowd.

Speaker 1 What a crowd.

Speaker 8 Every Monday.

Speaker 31 Tony, you are exuding just a pure heterosexual energy I've never felt from you before.

Speaker 8 I did six push-ups in the alley.

Speaker 37 Let's cut to a clip.

Speaker 8 We don't have it.

Speaker 8 You guys know how the show works?

Speaker 8 Over 200 innocent souls have written their names down for the opportunity to get plucked out, unbeknownst to them. They'd come on this stage to do stand-up comedy for 60 seconds of uninterrupted fun.

Speaker 8 They know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 8 They know, God fucking damn it, Red Man.

Speaker 4 It's okay.

Speaker 8 Fuck it, we'll do it live.

Speaker 8 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of the kitten.
That'll let them know it's time.

Speaker 8 How many, it might be multiple kittens, depending on what Red Band's doing.

Speaker 8 They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of the kitten. If not, they're gonna they're healthy.

Speaker 9 Jesus, Brian.

Speaker 8 Angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 8 That'll let them know their time is definitely up, and then we will conduct an interview.

Speaker 8 We'll all talk to them, and we'll hear about their lives, what they're up to, what their love lives like, if they have any hobbies, all that stuff.

Speaker 8 And they'll get feedback from the great Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. One more time for the great Ari Shafir.

Speaker 8 Guys want to start the show off? Pick a couple of names for me. Just one.
Just one. Don't be greedy.

Speaker 40 Just one.

Speaker 8 Don't be like like Red Band at the buffet. Just one.

Speaker 8 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 8 Tonight's show, we are starting with a golden ticket winner, the newest golden ticket winner, someone who's only been on the show once before. This is their second time.

Speaker 8 performing on Kill Tony live at the mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the return of Charlie mack

Speaker 42 austin we keeping it weird

Speaker 43 yo i love it here like austin has some of the most beautiful dikes i've ever seen

Speaker 43 no dykes don't get enough credit sir would you ever fuck a dyke no

Speaker 43 you don't like jelly used coochie

Speaker 43 i used to say i never fuck a dyke, never. Where I'm from, we call them studs.
And I looked on Facebook and it said studs was an acronym. Yes, S-T-U-D-S.

Speaker 43 Stanford stealed titties under that shirt.

Speaker 43 I said that in my last show. One of them studs got mad.
She jumped up, said, it don't stand for that. It's Stanford slanging this unreal dick, sir.

Speaker 43 And then she got mad and told her little dyke friend, he think he funny. Go to the truck and get the strap.

Speaker 43 So, first, I was scared she was getting the gun.

Speaker 43 Then I started praying she was getting the gun.

Speaker 43 Because if strap is short for strap on, different conversation.

Speaker 43 I got scared, like, um, excuse me, Mr. Ma'am.

Speaker 43 Please don't get the big black nine because it might be inches or a millimeter.

Speaker 20 I don't know.

Speaker 46 Thank you.

Speaker 8 Oh my God,

Speaker 8 Charlie Mack, you've done it again.

Speaker 47 You've done it again.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 8 Second time on Kill Tony, Charlie.

Speaker 48 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 How'd it feel? You're sweatier this time.

Speaker 33 Charlie, you're sweating like P. Diddy on the stand.

Speaker 43 The panel looks a little different.

Speaker 38 I don't know what it is.

Speaker 15 Tony got on Netflix. He upgraded.

Speaker 11 Look at this guy.

Speaker 43 I feel like it's Timu.

Speaker 48 Timu Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 15 That's funny. You look like a giant UPS package.

Speaker 44 Tell your mom I got a package.

Speaker 52 She's a...

Speaker 8 I fucking love it.

Speaker 8 Charlie, where are you from again? I forget. Where are you from? Chicago.

Speaker 13 Chicago.

Speaker 8 And how long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 53 Six years almost.

Speaker 8 Six years. Can I guess?

Speaker 33 South Side?

Speaker 43 No, West Side.

Speaker 39 Oh.

Speaker 54 Oh. The other black side.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 8 Is there a super... What's the blackest part of Chicago, Charlie?

Speaker 40 The city.

Speaker 2 Whatever part he's in.

Speaker 38 Right.

Speaker 21 Okay, okay.

Speaker 8 Very good. Charlie, how long you been in Austin, Charlie?

Speaker 45 I've been here going on five years.

Speaker 8 And what do you do for fun?

Speaker 43 Everyone knows here that I write my books, my children's books.

Speaker 55 That's right.

Speaker 56 What? Yeah. What?

Speaker 43 Yes, I write children's books for adults.

Speaker 57 Yeah, y'all see it?

Speaker 12 Oh, yes.

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 41 Man, fuck them kids.

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 15 That's Kevin Spacey's motto.

Speaker 8 The great Kevin Spacey.

Speaker 8 Gotta poster him above my bed. Charlie,

Speaker 8 what do you love about Austin, Texas? Have you had the food? Just kidding.

Speaker 38 I know the answer.

Speaker 43 No, I just said it's the dykes. They're beautiful out here.

Speaker 43 The who? The dykes.

Speaker 53 The lesbians?

Speaker 43 Yes, the manly ones.

Speaker 8 Right. And what makes them so manly, Charlie?

Speaker 33 Manly means when someone shows like a sign of like a man.

Speaker 61 Right, right.

Speaker 8 But they have, they're lesbians, but you said they're manly. Yes.
what do you mean what do they

Speaker 43 they be in the in the man's section of the stores taking all the big clothes

Speaker 43 right and that and that's a problem for you yes yes because i try to get my size but they end up having to get skinny jeans i don't like that

Speaker 63 those are skinny

Speaker 43 they wasn't when i first bought them

Speaker 8 charlie what was the last time you had a vegetable

Speaker 65 i'm actually vegan

Speaker 43 no way yeah i've been vegan for a year now.

Speaker 46 Wow. I love 160 pounds.

Speaker 33 160 pounds.

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 8 What? Congratulations.

Speaker 8 Unfuckable.

Speaker 12 Down to 840 pounds.

Speaker 36 No.

Speaker 25 I'm regular fat.

Speaker 59 I was.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God. It's coming fat.

Speaker 8 Do you have other... How many fat friends do you have, Charlie?

Speaker 65 Just your sister. That's it.

Speaker 21 Oh, shit, Tony.

Speaker 47 Whoa, wow.

Speaker 8 Okay, got me.

Speaker 8 Play something fun, Red Band.

Speaker 12 Perfect.

Speaker 51 Fuck you.

Speaker 8 Charlie, you've done it again. Second time on the show.
First time, got a golden ticket. You came out, you did it, you said it all.
Anything fun we should know about you before we let you go?

Speaker 43 From my book sales last time, it upgraded my life.

Speaker 67 I went from go.

Speaker 43 thank you yes yeah I went from I went from it raised my tax bracket I went from go Joe to let's make America great again

Speaker 8 believable

Speaker 31 my people can help you with that we'll figure it out

Speaker 43 they told me to get an accounting but I think I'm going to jail

Speaker 63 You'll be fine.

Speaker 53 You'll be fine.

Speaker 33 We'll bring those taxes down to $1 a year.

Speaker 63 I'm in the club now.

Speaker 8 Just don't drop the soap in jail because you you probably won't be able to stand back up.

Speaker 8 Charlie, you did it.

Speaker 8 You came out. You did it.

Speaker 8 One more time for the great Charlie Mack, everybody.

Speaker 7 Golden ticket winner.

Speaker 8 There he goes. Oh, my God.

Speaker 8 We're doing it. Are you guys having a good time so far? Is this not the best fucking night of your lives?

Speaker 8 Our first.

Speaker 31 That was a lot of sweat.

Speaker 8 That was a lot of sweat. When's the last time you sweat that much, Ari Shafir?

Speaker 33 When I visited Auschwitz and they reopened.

Speaker 8 Perfect.

Speaker 8 Our first bucket pull of the night

Speaker 8 goes by one name. I love a good one name.
I love a good two name, but I love a good one name. He actually works here at the comedy m.

Speaker 54 Huh?

Speaker 8 It's a guy. He works here.
Well, let him decide. It's 2025, Red Band.

Speaker 8 He might be a guy tonight and a woman in the morning. Please give it up for Fuzzy, everybody.

Speaker 69 I believe the best superpower

Speaker 69 is the ability to freeze time

Speaker 69 because you're in control.

Speaker 69 You got to remember, they

Speaker 40 don't want you to have superpowers.

Speaker 69 They, the Jews, do not want you to have...

Speaker 43 But when you freeze time, you're in control.

Speaker 69 And the perks are motherfucking sweet. Everyone here would do the same thing immediately.
We're going to the bank.

Speaker 69 We'd all do it. Come on.
You'd go to the bank.

Speaker 69 You'd see the teller.

Speaker 69 You'd wait for her to open up the vault.

Speaker 69 freeze time,

Speaker 60 and then

Speaker 72 holy shit. And then you'd leave the bank.

Speaker 69 And if you're a girl, you can look through his phone, whatever the fuck you guys want to do.

Speaker 74 I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 16 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 8 Oh my god.

Speaker 8 Fuzzy, great job. Fuzzy, how long have you looked like you go to Sesame Street begging the Muppets for change?

Speaker 67 Oh my life.

Speaker 75 Hey, one time for Tony fucking Inchcliffe, everybody.

Speaker 59 Come on.

Speaker 41 Okay. Fuzzy, you make me look not Jewish.

Speaker 15 You look like Muzzy.

Speaker 29 Fuzzy the Muzzy.

Speaker 69 Hey, are there any Indians in here?

Speaker 31 And they're not allowed in. Rogan.

Speaker 75 Good. Pakistan forever.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 53 All right, all right, easy, easy.

Speaker 8 You know what's going great when you scream at the end of your set.

Speaker 8 Fuzzy, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 78 Five years.

Speaker 8 Five years. What's your favorite thing about it?

Speaker 26 Drive an Uber?

Speaker 79 Probably the dick.

Speaker 69 Probably all the dick I'm getting.

Speaker 60 You

Speaker 60 gay? You're a gay man?

Speaker 56 Nah. Oh.

Speaker 8 What would be the first thing you'd do if you were gay, Fuzzy, now that we're here?

Speaker 79 I'd suck your dick and try to become a regular, probably.

Speaker 8 Get in line.

Speaker 8 Fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 31 Fuzzy, you treating those cancer spots in your forehead at all or just letting it ride?

Speaker 74 Just let it fucking ride, dude.

Speaker 69 This shit's almost over anyways. I think I got like two months or something like that.

Speaker 8 And what do you do during the day, Fuzzy, when you're not at the mothership?

Speaker 62 I like to go for walks.

Speaker 8 Where do you walk?

Speaker 69 Around the east side, motherfucking East 5th Street.

Speaker 33 How big is your vest?

Speaker 79 Bigger than Tony's.

Speaker 8 Nothing, Red Band.

Speaker 65 Perfect.

Speaker 8 You're a rubber ducky, fuzzy.

Speaker 69 That's something Tony would actually probably say.

Speaker 8 Fuzzy, what's your love life like?

Speaker 69 It's good. It's chill, bro.
I actually,

Speaker 55 I met a girl.

Speaker 21 Whoa, whoa, whoa, chill, bro.

Speaker 28 he's allowed it's allowed give him a chance some horizontal give him a chance yeah who the fuck is that the fucks laughing like you can't get any you're here with a guy

Speaker 76 oh my god

Speaker 42 got him you look like you like dick in your mouth

Speaker 21 okay okay okay

Speaker 69 Life's good. Love life is good, dude.
I've been fucking I don't know. I got this fucking I stopped masturbating, so I got chi now.

Speaker 55 What? Chi? I got chi.

Speaker 69 Now, chi is your semen.

Speaker 21 Whoa, is that what you call it?

Speaker 40 And it's so.

Speaker 2 No, you know about chi.

Speaker 70 All right, no.

Speaker 8 I love chi.

Speaker 8 But I also love pat tie. Fuzzy.

Speaker 33 Fuzzy, I would drop the chi and go with chi a pet on that head because that is a love of a bald I've never seen before.

Speaker 51 All right. All right.

Speaker 26 I love you, buddy.

Speaker 81 You look like uh, you look like Ari before the camp.

Speaker 56 All right, all right.

Speaker 15 All right, we got to let this guy get back to his food truck. What are you doing here?

Speaker 29 Come on.

Speaker 8 Fuzzy, you did it. Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 76 See you later.

Speaker 8 Fuck off.

Speaker 8 One more time for Fuzzy, everybody. There he goes.
Fuzzy, you did it.

Speaker 33 Hey hooked with me two times.

Speaker 8 He killed both times. He worked with me here.

Speaker 53 He fucking crushes.

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Speaker 8 Everyone here at the mothership is being groomed to.

Speaker 8 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 9 Unfucking. Unbelievable.

Speaker 86 I finally, I finally work hard enough and save up enough money to buy my own clone of myself.

Speaker 86 And then you lock me inside of my own closet and try to host my show.

Speaker 8 You got it.

Speaker 31 I gotta tell you, I heard a little bit of those interviews.

Speaker 88 They were dragging back there.

Speaker 30 Could really hear the wheels turning on you.

Speaker 86 And I didn't realize my clone would sweat more than me.

Speaker 90 It's not easy, is it, clone, to kill clony?

Speaker 28 Tony Hinchcliffe and Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 21 By the way, Dwight.

Speaker 15 It really is Pride Month.

Speaker 8 This is what we call a Mark Norman wet dream.

Speaker 28 This is kill to me.

Speaker 81 The only thing better than one of me is two of me.

Speaker 17 And now, back to the show.

Speaker 63 Oh, you have.

Speaker 37 I made a couple notes.

Speaker 81 Puerto Rico is not going to like this.

Speaker 35 Oh.

Speaker 60 Oh my

Speaker 17 God.

Speaker 91 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 92 I'm very excited to be here.

Speaker 31 Just finding out it's not you.

Speaker 21 I thought the whole time. I don't know.

Speaker 93 This is an extra fun episode, if you ask me.

Speaker 94 Who books this shit?

Speaker 8 Do I look good smoking a cigarette, by the way?

Speaker 9 I don't say my S is like that, by the way.

Speaker 34 It's not a cigarette.

Speaker 37 I don't smoke

Speaker 38 cigarettes.

Speaker 7 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 76 Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is friend Fisco Rincon.

Speaker 52 This guy was like, don't trip. That's fine.
I'm gonna

Speaker 52 fuck your mom later

Speaker 52 after I clean her house.

Speaker 52 I am from Puerto Rico.

Speaker 56 No, I'm not.

Speaker 50 I'm one of the good ones.

Speaker 52 Happy Pride Month to this guy mainly.

Speaker 52 But yeah, I don't know. A couple of years ago, I was watching the gay news, CNN.

Speaker 52 I don't know if you guys hear Pope Francis, he said, R.I.P. Pope Francis, a couple of years ago, he said, if you're gay,

Speaker 52 you can get married now and you will no longer burn in hell.

Speaker 52 It's a real thing. I don't know if you guys heard about this.
But it made me think, you made me wonder what was going to happen to the gay guys that were previously burning in hell.

Speaker 52 Do they make it fair? Do they make an announcement down there? Are they like a... Excuse me if you're here and you're gay, make yourself to the lobby.

Speaker 67 We have great news.

Speaker 69 What do they do?

Speaker 9 Francisco Ring Cohn, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 37 Welcome back to the show, Francisco.

Speaker 61 We've seen you multiple times before.

Speaker 52 One time before, yes, Kiltono.

Speaker 97 You've only been on the show once?

Speaker 52 Once, two years ago.

Speaker 61 Wow.

Speaker 93 What makes me think you've been on a couple times?

Speaker 52 You've probably seen me on Rose Bottle.

Speaker 98 Okay. Yes.

Speaker 99 I saw you on Rose Battle.

Speaker 64 I love it. So you're not Puerto Rican.

Speaker 100 You said you're one of the good ones.

Speaker 101 What is one of the good ones?

Speaker 52 Mexican.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 52 Actually, Tony, I'm go ahead. Sorry.
I am from Venezuela.

Speaker 34 Oh, wow. Okay.

Speaker 25 Why boo? Why boo? Why boo?

Speaker 28 It's gonna rip.

Speaker 52 I'm here to tell you guys, despite what you hear in the news, that all Venezuelans are criminals. I'm here to tell you that we are criminals.

Speaker 52 But I know I am from Venezuela, but you know, Venezuelans, we've been getting a bad rep, right? So, like, when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago, they would be like, are you from Mexico?

Speaker 52 And I would be like, no, that's gross, you know.

Speaker 52 And

Speaker 102 now they are like, are you from Venezuela?

Speaker 63 And I'm like, no, I'm from Mexico, you know.

Speaker 52 But yeah,

Speaker 52 all right.

Speaker 8 Have you always looked like Adam Ray with AIDS?

Speaker 31 Yeah, you throw a vest on.

Speaker 27 We got a third Tony here.

Speaker 8 Unfucking believable.

Speaker 103 Francisco, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you?

Speaker 105 Give us something good.

Speaker 62 What's going on?

Speaker 52 Oh, man,

Speaker 52 living life, you know,

Speaker 52 not to brag or anything, but I got... It's funny because last time I did the show, I had just recently gotten fired.

Speaker 52 And I just got fired again.

Speaker 38 Wow.

Speaker 106 Look at you.

Speaker 52 I know. Look at you.

Speaker 8 What'd you get fired from?

Speaker 105 Hey, that's what I was going to ask.

Speaker 107 You're a fucking genius.

Speaker 93 And you're extremely good looking.

Speaker 8 Thanks me

Speaker 28 Wait, what was that?

Speaker 4 What was that?

Speaker 8 I smoke a lot of cigarettes.

Speaker 28 I don't do that.

Speaker 88 I don't do that

Speaker 53 Do I do that?

Speaker 108 No, I don't

Speaker 8 easy Steve Urkel

Speaker 89 Good one me.

Speaker 62 All right, where did you get fired from?

Speaker 52 I'm not gonna say a company name, but I was working as a engineer, remote, sales engineer. It was really...

Speaker 62 They fired you.

Speaker 97 Why will you not say the name?

Speaker 33 Is it because you can't say engineer?

Speaker 52 In my language, that sounded like the N-word.

Speaker 52 But

Speaker 52 yeah, I don't know if I'm going to have to look for another job. So I don't want to throw these guys under the bus, you know.

Speaker 33 Hey, can I just tell you real quick?

Speaker 33 If you got fired, you are going to have to find another job.

Speaker 8 That's how it works.

Speaker 106 That's how it works.

Speaker 53 No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

Speaker 102 Yeah, no, well.

Speaker 38 no doubt about

Speaker 38 it

Speaker 106 francisco what what's your love life like you're a good-looking guy you seem uh like uh you should be doing good out there for yourself that you fuck

Speaker 33 what do you say i bet you

Speaker 52 oh yeah no no no i'm doing i'm doing all right i'm not uh i got i got lucky a couple weeks ago i uh

Speaker 52 that's what i like about austin lots of beautiful mexican girls here in austin and uh yeah so I went down on this girl from San Antonio. Uh-huh.

Speaker 8 How long did you go down on her for?

Speaker 107 Give us an exact time frame.

Speaker 8 Morning, night, lunch.

Speaker 96 Over under 25 minutes.

Speaker 52 It was a good time. It was a fun time.
It tasted like takis.

Speaker 21 Smell it.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 61 Like what?

Speaker 52 Sometimes I don't even understand myself, man.

Speaker 52 I'm sorry. I yeah.
yeah.

Speaker 52 I

Speaker 52 heard you in English last night. I don't even know what I said.

Speaker 15 All right, we gotta deport you.

Speaker 31 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 30 Yep.

Speaker 8 No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

Speaker 104 We're sending you back to

Speaker 57 Venezuela.

Speaker 56 Well,

Speaker 86 Francisco, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show?

Speaker 52 A big one, but it's fine.

Speaker 106 Guess what, buddy?

Speaker 61 I got a new switch.

Speaker 8 You get a small one this time.

Speaker 71 Catch.

Speaker 8 There you go.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 5 Oh, throws it back into the crowd.

Speaker 31 It slams.

Speaker 31 That's a thing.

Speaker 76 It's like when you get a baseball hit to you from the opposing team and the person that catches it throws it back onto the field.

Speaker 8 That's.

Speaker 8 You're good.

Speaker 30 You're real good.

Speaker 30 Let's keep this thing

Speaker 80 moving along.

Speaker 37 Oh, that's an unlit cigarette button. Me.

Speaker 89 I am out of control tonight.

Speaker 14 Make some noise for your next bucket pull, Mike Hallaway.

Speaker 112 I don't think everyone who has a cat

Speaker 112 also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy.

Speaker 112 But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat.

Speaker 112 I don't think everyone

Speaker 112 who eats blue cheese

Speaker 112 also has a foot fetish.

Speaker 112 But I do think everyone with a foot fetish also eats blue cheese.

Speaker 112 I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile.

Speaker 112 But I do think everyone who's a pedophile also drinks lemonade.

Speaker 112 I don't think everyone who's the victim of pedophilia

Speaker 112 is also a Disney adult.

Speaker 112 But I, you guys get it.

Speaker 112 How's it going?

Speaker 77 That was fun. Wow.

Speaker 31 Mike Holloway.

Speaker 115 This is your first time on the show? Yes.

Speaker 106 Okay.

Speaker 64 And how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 112 Kind of five years, but more like three because of breaks from COVID and

Speaker 112 being broke.

Speaker 33 Okay. COVID was over five years ago.

Speaker 14 Are you still broke?

Speaker 113 Well, I did.

Speaker 21 He's not wrong.

Speaker 66 I did like one or two mics before COVID.

Speaker 81 Lincoln the whole Lincoln years I had to take off.

Speaker 1 I'm bad at counting.

Speaker 112 I'm bad at counting. Sorry.

Speaker 8 The OJ trial really fucked up my schedule.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 81 Okay. What do you do for work?

Speaker 88 You work at like a...

Speaker 87 You're getting aquarium vibes, like you work with pets of some kind.

Speaker 8 Anyway, two fun facts about dolphins.

Speaker 88 Let's go one question at a time, David.

Speaker 55 Dolphins rape a lot.

Speaker 96 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 90 That's the one they answer.

Speaker 62 What do you do for work?

Speaker 112 I DoorDash right now. I just moved here two weeks ago.

Speaker 95 So did you save money from another job?

Speaker 62 Kind of. What was the other job?

Speaker 112 Amazon delivery?

Speaker 3 Amazon, you see?

Speaker 49 I thought with aquarium, there's fish in an aquarium.

Speaker 105 There's also fish in the Amazon.

Speaker 14 I did it again.

Speaker 58 Genius.

Speaker 39 Anyway.

Speaker 86 So how much money did you save exactly?

Speaker 110 I love people, people in interviews and podcasts, they never ask questions like this.

Speaker 99 They never do.

Speaker 95 I'm obsessed with a question like, how much money did you save before finding a job where you moved to?

Speaker 112 Drum roll? Nope, no drum roll.

Speaker 53 No drum roll.

Speaker 114 $100. There's two fucking hosts here.

Speaker 104 None of them asked for a drum roll.

Speaker 104 How much did you save?

Speaker 71 $500.

Speaker 88 $500?

Speaker 3 Holy shit.

Speaker 48 Holy shit.

Speaker 62 What are you going to do?

Speaker 63 Are you in your car right now?

Speaker 112 Technically, I'm at a I'm camping at a campsite, so

Speaker 55 I paid for it.

Speaker 67 Water.

Speaker 112 Technically, I'm not homeless.

Speaker 117 Do you have a tent?

Speaker 98 Yes.

Speaker 110 So you sleep in a tent?

Speaker 94 Yes. Where do you shower?

Speaker 112 At the campsite.

Speaker 17 There's shower.

Speaker 4 Outdoor showers?

Speaker 112 No, it's indoor.

Speaker 55 Like a KOA?

Speaker 8 What's a KOA? What is the fuck is that, Ari?

Speaker 3 What's a KOA?

Speaker 8 Some Jewish shit? What is that?

Speaker 106 Not all not all of us not all of us take world vacations and camp all the time.

Speaker 118 Some of us are trying to fucking change people's lives out here.

Speaker 27 They know about camps.

Speaker 87 Especially the showers at those camps.

Speaker 33 Some of the showers are decent at those camps. It's just the one or two were like real bad.

Speaker 105 So explain to us, explain to the people.

Speaker 119 People are watching all around the world.

Speaker 110 You came to Austin, Texas with $500.

Speaker 95 How do you plan on surviving?

Speaker 49 What are you eating? Take us through your actual life.

Speaker 112 I go to H-E-B,

Speaker 112 and I get a pack of three steaks for like $8 to $12.

Speaker 112 Okay. And I get some corn on the cob, fresh corn on the cob for like 33 cents a piece.

Speaker 93 Where do you shove the corn on the cob?

Speaker 112 In tinfoil and in the coles.

Speaker 33 Does the corner does the corn ever get stuck in that massive gap between your cheese?

Speaker 26 Yeah, all the time.

Speaker 56 Oh, yeah. Look at that old corn catcher you got there.

Speaker 88 Look at that.

Speaker 31 Does your mom see dentists?

Speaker 8 How many times do you shower a week?

Speaker 56 Good question, Tony.

Speaker 112 Exactly. Every time I come into the city.

Speaker 61 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 112 Okay. Every time I come to comedy,

Speaker 120 this is your first shower.

Speaker 61 No.

Speaker 8 And is it easy to make friends at

Speaker 121 the campgrounds?

Speaker 56 What?

Speaker 97 I hate the questions I'm asking

Speaker 88 it really leads to absolutely nowhere yes or no questions don't really work on the show

Speaker 105 let me ask you this

Speaker 33 I think you're cool you got an outsider vibe you got a real fucking manifesto you're like a manifesto guy I appreciate that What is the craziest thing that you've ever almost done?

Speaker 94 Like, you seem like you've had some thoughts cooking.

Speaker 60 Like, some, you've read, like, a, a, how to make a bomb book or something before.

Speaker 112 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 105 Okay, so now it's your turn to answer the actual question.

Speaker 112 Back in high school, yeah.

Speaker 113 You did what?

Speaker 112 I read the anarchist campaign.

Speaker 97 Okay, other than the thing that I fucking said that you did, you get to use your entire life right now as a reference point.

Speaker 122 What's the weirdest or most criminal thing you've ever almost done?

Speaker 90 Not the one that I fucking guessed.

Speaker 3 That you're like, yeah, I did do that.

Speaker 96 I'm asking your whole life, did you ever think about

Speaker 112 a couple times? I almost drove the Amazon truck off a bridge.

Speaker 77 Whoa, okay, okay.

Speaker 106 Now, take us through this exactly.

Speaker 86 First of all, were there a lot of packages in the Amazon truck?

Speaker 8 That's why I didn't get my vest.

Speaker 34 Oh,

Speaker 34 so good.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 109 So

Speaker 122 did you really think about it?

Speaker 116 You thought about driving the Amazon truck off a bridge?

Speaker 78 Oh, yeah, I thought about it.

Speaker 56 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 95 And how were you going to do it?

Speaker 116 Were you going to kind of like go to the bridge and then hard right turn off of the ledge?

Speaker 90 Or were you going to kind of like take it at an angle?

Speaker 119 What was your plan?

Speaker 112 No, I was going to, it was an EV, so it's really got some acceleration. So yeah, I was going to get it going and then just crank the wheel and jump out the window, jump out the door.

Speaker 61 Oh, you weren't gonna kill yourself you weren't gonna like

Speaker 5 oh

Speaker 5 i thought about that too i did it

Speaker 21 oh wait a second this is treason i did for a second but then i was like i can jump out yeah i like it you're just bezos over not yourself yeah yeah i'm all right with that bezos so you were just gonna selfishly drop a bunch of people's packages in the water Unbelievable.

Speaker 86 All right. What's the other craziest thing about your life, Mike?

Speaker 95 Give us something good here.

Speaker 122 Other than almost driving an Amazon thing, what's a fun fact about your life?

Speaker 119 Did you have a weird childhood?

Speaker 49 Were you molested?

Speaker 60 A lot of pedophile jokes.

Speaker 112 No, I wasn't molested.

Speaker 45 I did have a weird childhood, though.

Speaker 63 I moved around a lot.

Speaker 112 I was a fat kid and a nerdy kid and the new kid all the time, so I got picked on a lot.

Speaker 115 What? What was the meanest thing somebody was?

Speaker 116 Sorry. Shut the.
I'm fucking talking.

Speaker 8 What was the meanest thing somebody ever said to you at school?

Speaker 112 I don't remember I said a lot of mean shit too cuz I would I would basically

Speaker 112 For the I to deal with bullies I would basically like roast them I didn't know the term back then, but

Speaker 112 I would roast them and then like if they put hands on me then I would like just go full out like right away.

Speaker 69 So you you killed a kid?

Speaker 56 No.

Speaker 45 Beat the crap out of a couple of people.

Speaker 15 You look like the bad kid in Toy Story.

Speaker 37 Oh my god, my God.

Speaker 31 The neighbor?

Speaker 8 Yeah, Sid. Sid.

Speaker 28 Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid.

Speaker 66 I do like firecrackers.

Speaker 8 Where are you hiding Andy Slinky?

Speaker 62 Here's a big joke, but congratulations.

Speaker 89 Congratulations. There you go.

Speaker 31 On to the next one.

Speaker 8 I like that guy. There he goes.

Speaker 11 Something about him.

Speaker 34 For real. This is cool.

Speaker 8 Grew up on a fireworks stand.

Speaker 7 Oh, you know what that means.

Speaker 30 The beautiful

Speaker 30 Heidi is here.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 91 Someone's rooting for Ari from the audience.

Speaker 30 Let's go, Ari.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 81 A guy wants you to be funny right now.

Speaker 56 Farts.

Speaker 14 This looks like a new name.

Speaker 76 I'm excited about it.

Speaker 81 I love new names.

Speaker 72 You love new names.

Speaker 8 It's my favorite thing other than my condo.

Speaker 8 Unfucking. We're doing it, Red Band.
We're really doing it.

Speaker 80 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Candace August, everybody.

Speaker 6 Candace August.

Speaker 125 All right, my husband's Muslim, and when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called

Speaker 125 the Nikah.

Speaker 125 I will spell it for you. It is N is in Nancy, I, K is in Kangaroo, A, H is in Harold, the Nikah.

Speaker 125 Problem is, I had not seen that word written down

Speaker 125 before I heard that shit out loud. Picture it.
On my wedding day, I'm standing there in my dress. I'm looking at my husband, so in love.
The guy walks in.

Speaker 125 He's like, We are gathered here today to celebrate this blessed nickel.

Speaker 125 He kept going, in the eyes of Allah, all niggas are beautiful and wonderful.

Speaker 125 This nigga today is special.

Speaker 125 I was just like, what the fuck did this nigga say? What did he say?

Speaker 125 Thanks for the compliments, dude, but you can call me Candace.

Speaker 70 Fantastic set. Wow.

Speaker 31 By Candace August.

Speaker 64 Welcome to the show, Candace.

Speaker 77 Thank you. Is this your first time?

Speaker 80 It is not. You've been on before.

Speaker 63 You were great.

Speaker 122 I remember you. Thank you.

Speaker 125 I was on in January.

Speaker 116 Yeah, welcome back.

Speaker 125 I figure I have to keep signing up. It's the only way black women are ever going to get on this show.

Speaker 81 Well, it's also the only way anyone gets on this show.

Speaker 96 I love that you have to be a victim of race issues.

Speaker 76 Would never expect anybody like you to do that.

Speaker 91 You people never do that.

Speaker 103 For this is the fairest, most diverse show in all of show business.

Speaker 28 Incorrect. How dare you.

Speaker 125 Oh shit, two Tonys.

Speaker 8 I'm getting roasted by the bouncer at Fraggle Rock.

Speaker 17 Oh my

Speaker 17 God.

Speaker 16 It's Ma'am Patterson.

Speaker 125 It's pretty fucking good.

Speaker 79 Hello, Ari. How are you? What's up? How you doing?

Speaker 56 Pretty good.

Speaker 104 You two know each other.

Speaker 125 No, I just was, I already dapped him up and I stole it.

Speaker 25 Choose motherfucking black hookers, Tony.

Speaker 125 I wanted to, that's not even funny, but I just wanted to,

Speaker 18 I just wanted to acknowledge everyone on the panel.

Speaker 88 Hello, Rip.

Speaker 56 I love it.

Speaker 62 So, Candace, remind us, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 8 What's going on?

Speaker 75 I'm Ari's call girl. Didn't you hear? No.

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 125 We talked about this before. I work at a debt consolidation company.

Speaker 95 Okay, a debt consolidation company.

Speaker 33 I don't understand what that is.

Speaker 125 Doesn't translate to the function.

Speaker 93 Amazing. And what do you do for fun?

Speaker 125 I like to travel a lot. And comedy's fun.
I love it.

Speaker 110 Where do you travel to? What are some of your favorite places that you've been?

Speaker 125 My favorite place is Cuba. That's the favorite place I've been.

Speaker 120 What do you love about Cuba?

Speaker 127 I just, I'm from New Orleans.

Speaker 125 Yeah, I know. You went to Brother Martin.
I know. I went to Ursuline.

Speaker 94 You look at the connection down there.

Speaker 125 I've performed with him several times. He never remembers me.

Speaker 57 But

Speaker 28 it's fun.

Speaker 51 It's fun.

Speaker 4 It's okay.

Speaker 125 It's okay. I opened for him at Magoobi's and a bunch of other places.

Speaker 79 Sorry.

Speaker 79 Are you from Maryland?

Speaker 125 No, but I lived in the DMV at the time when I worked with him.

Speaker 111 You lived in the

Speaker 9 DMV? Yeah.

Speaker 50 Wow.

Speaker 125 Okay, it's DC, Maryland,

Speaker 125 Virginia. Wow.
And they call it the DMV.

Speaker 38 Wow, you look like you'd work at the DMV.

Speaker 34 We're really doing it.

Speaker 125 I was answering you about Havana. So I'm from New Orleans, and Havana has a very like

Speaker 125 New Orleans type of feel, a very, like, it has a lot of soul, and it's a very small place, a lot of live music playing all the time. It just, it just.

Speaker 34 The sweet sirens.

Speaker 125 It just reminded me of home. That's why I like it.
Absolutely.

Speaker 8 It's amazing.

Speaker 107 What do you love about Austin, Texas?

Speaker 125 It also, so 6th Street specifically also reminds me of bourbon. Yeah.
It reminds me, it's a very bourbon-esque feel.

Speaker 125 All the live music and then there's this concentrated like four block radius where everything's happening.

Speaker 71 It's just like bourbon.

Speaker 69 Yeah, except cleaner marginally.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 122 You got a man? Are you married?

Speaker 95 Is that what that ring is?

Speaker 125 Yes. We

Speaker 125 talked at long length about it last time. My husband's Indian.

Speaker 38 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 103 The rare mix of an Indian man and a powerful black woman.

Speaker 125 Yeah, you were very interested in that subject, the left.

Speaker 88 Well, it's a very rare combination.

Speaker 95 I study these things.

Speaker 87 I'm a people person.

Speaker 13 How does the family go for it?

Speaker 33 How does this family go for?

Speaker 125 So, I mean, they weren't very happy at first, but not really because I'm black, just mostly because I'm not Muslim.

Speaker 51 Why would you do this to the family?

Speaker 50 Why do you bring home a demon woman?

Speaker 51 This dude.

Speaker 8 I do voices too. Yeah.

Speaker 125 You did quite a few the last time I was here. Yeah.

Speaker 56 You and the Indian husband, Nika Masala.

Speaker 37 That is. Too close.

Speaker 2 Too close? A good one.

Speaker 61 A good one.

Speaker 102 Right on the borderline, Mark.

Speaker 125 Right on the borderline.

Speaker 31 Sorry.

Speaker 8 And what does your husband do for work?

Speaker 125 He also works at a Zeb consolidation company.

Speaker 69 A different one from me, though.

Speaker 125 Wow.

Speaker 15 Until Debt Do You Park.

Speaker 103 Absolutely.

Speaker 30 Oh, you like that one.

Speaker 38 That one was.

Speaker 28 That one was no.

Speaker 81 We don't like working at the DMV.

Speaker 102 That one was no.

Speaker 31 Zet consolidation humor, really. Go take that around the office.

Speaker 103 All right. Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time?

Speaker 119 You showed it to him, right?

Speaker 125 Yeah, yeah, he watched it from home. Like, he wasn't here live, but he rewatched it.

Speaker 101 How much did he beat you for it?

Speaker 63 He did.

Speaker 42 You fucking beat you. Bring up my first sugar guy.

Speaker 38 We did it.

Speaker 125 He had a kick out of it because you spent a lot of time talking about. So I had said my husband.

Speaker 101 You got a kick out of it.

Speaker 88 I said my

Speaker 86 kick and two punches.

Speaker 125 So I said my husband wasn't black and you spent a lot of time trying to guess what race he was. And you never guessed Indian.

Speaker 125 I had to tell you. So that's what happened last time.
So a lot of the interview was about him. So he actually really enjoyed it when we watched it.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 8 And where do you get earrings like that?

Speaker 92 Those are great earrings.

Speaker 125 I'm so glad you noticed them. So the last time I was on, I had knives, right? So it's like the kill Tony vibe and no one ever noticed them.
So thank you, Tony, too, for noticing them.

Speaker 8 Yes, did you buy them at the Target that you got fired at?

Speaker 74 I did.

Speaker 29 Okay,

Speaker 31 no, they're custom.

Speaker 102 I ordered them online.

Speaker 3 What were you gonna say there, Mark?

Speaker 79 Nothing. Oh,

Speaker 81 you got a big joke book last time?

Speaker 125 I did, but let me tell you this: when I got it, you had like some that were left over from the HEB Center, and I never got one from the show that I was on. So, if you can spare another one,

Speaker 10 you know what?

Speaker 76 Here's an official one. It's your list.

Speaker 16 It's like Angel Reese.

Speaker 28 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 34 Good bucket bowls.

Speaker 125 You guys have a good night.

Speaker 21 Thank you so much.

Speaker 35 One more time for Candace August.

Speaker 8 Candace August.

Speaker 107 And the show goes on.

Speaker 8 It has to.

Speaker 53 We keep it moving.

Speaker 8 Let's do it.

Speaker 81 We got to do it.

Speaker 102 Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Karen Jones.

Speaker 63 I got it.

Speaker 126 Some of you may remember me.

Speaker 126 I was falsely accused of storming the Capitol.

Speaker 126 I've been pardoned by President Trump.

Speaker 126 Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before I got the pardon.

Speaker 126 Still grateful, but

Speaker 126 while I was in prison, I was raped.

Speaker 126 Well, okay, date raped.

Speaker 126 Okay, it was consensual.

Speaker 126 It was still very unpleasant.

Speaker 126 And yeah, okay, I was on house arrest.

Speaker 126 But it's terrible to be on house arrest because you can't leave. But I found out that you could leave for medical procedures.
So I scheduled a mammogram, a pap smear, and a colonoscopy.

Speaker 126 And I'm telling you, it was as horrible as any other time I've been raped.

Speaker 126 Date raped.

Speaker 126 Had sex and regretted it, whatever you want to call it. Thank you.

Speaker 76 Karen Jones, one of the most famous characters in the show's history.

Speaker 17 A wild, wow.

Speaker 38 Some people would call her a batty woman.

Speaker 33 Tony, I know you said not to ask questions, but I got a question for you.

Speaker 67 What the fuck?

Speaker 126 What the fuck?

Speaker 15 If you're here, who's going to take down the Tiger King?

Speaker 89 Mark Norman is

Speaker 8 on fucking fire.

Speaker 8 You look like the woman who fired Angel from the target.

Speaker 8 Or Candace, who was the last person?

Speaker 97 It was Candace.

Speaker 48 Candace. So,

Speaker 117 Karen Jones, give us an update.

Speaker 92 What's been going on in life?

Speaker 90 I sometimes,

Speaker 92 you know, hear about you.

Speaker 60 You come up a lot.

Speaker 61 I get reports.

Speaker 95 Karen Jones is fucking doing this and that.

Speaker 60 You're around.

Speaker 126 Well, I always try and be in the most interesting places I can be.

Speaker 33 Flower shops, plant stores,

Speaker 28 barbaritas.

Speaker 126 Well, probably one of the biggest changes is I was in a little granny flat out in Dripping Springs on my son's property. He was going through a divorce.
You remember my son, the real Alex Jones.

Speaker 126 Keep going, Karen.

Speaker 3 Keep going.

Speaker 90 I think you had a stroke there.

Speaker 126 No, no, but it could happen.

Speaker 8 You're walking a blind guy with this story right now, you guys.

Speaker 8 So pick up the pace, Karen.

Speaker 126 i haven't known to clear the room okay but uh my son remarried and he remarried a very beautiful woman and it turns out that five acres is not enough room for two women so i've had to move and i'm living out in canyon lake now and uh so let's really break it down yeah it's your son's property am i correct yes he bought it Yes.

Speaker 90 And somehow you made yourself so known, so present that they they made you move somewhere else.

Speaker 90 Explain to us what a daily routine on a five-acre ranch with Karen Jones is like.

Speaker 126 Well, when you're on house arrest, it's very limited. But normally.

Speaker 79 But you have the whole five-acre five acres.

Speaker 126 I also had three kids I was taking care of and the main house. So I became the...

Speaker 33 Taking care of your son?

Speaker 126 No, his children.

Speaker 48 Wait, were you really under house arrest?

Speaker 72 All right, everybody is with it except you right now.

Speaker 92 You're the only person confused at all.

Speaker 97 The crowd is now wondering why you're confused.

Speaker 21 What's she under house arrest for?

Speaker 114 Storming the Capitol.

Speaker 59 I thought that was in June.

Speaker 124 No!

Speaker 28 Real fucking story. I know.

Speaker 28 I know.

Speaker 9 This is Kill Tony.

Speaker 76 All right, this is the only place you can meet real people that have stormed the Capitol other than Fox News.

Speaker 126 I did not. And if you you recall, I've said all along I was invited in.

Speaker 126 I was. I was invited in.

Speaker 41 The Capitol has the vampire rules.

Speaker 126 The Capitol is

Speaker 126 normally open.

Speaker 96 The door was open.

Speaker 126 We asked permission to go in, and my husband had never been inside the rotunda or no better time than January 6th, 2021.

Speaker 8 Right on queue.

Speaker 126 But what happened is they invited us in, and I took a plea deal so I couldn't speak as freely on your show. But that's why I got the 90 days.
My lawyer was shocked.

Speaker 126 I didn't just get probation, but I told too much. Like, I told that no police had died, only J Sixers.

Speaker 126 And so I got it.

Speaker 8 Cool nickname, by the way.

Speaker 126 Well, we went to Memorial Day to a J6 reunion.

Speaker 34 J6 reunion.

Speaker 8 Holy shit. The crowd knows how to party.

Speaker 9 Yes, she does.

Speaker 3 The crowd goes wild.

Speaker 126 Well, because they believe me that we were invited in and

Speaker 126 we were trapped. Maybe not all of them, but enough people know now that I can say this without being arrested for perjuring myself on my

Speaker 126 statement of facts and deal I signed. But they invited us in and then they trapped us and they hit me really hard with the billy club in the stomach and then they sprayed my ass.

Speaker 107 If they wanted you to get out of there, they should have just invited your son.

Speaker 91 Mom, there's just not enough room here at the Capitol for you.

Speaker 91 We got to move you to a completely different ranch.

Speaker 91 Tens and tens of miles away.

Speaker 97 So do you still make it back to, have you been to the Capitol since?

Speaker 126 No, just the Texas Capitol. And they're very nice.
Even when I was on free trial, they let me in. They're open on Sunday.
Texas Texas had such a nice capital. And Washington, D.C.

Speaker 126 used to be nicer, but it's really went to hell.

Speaker 3 Yep, yep. It sure has.

Speaker 37 It sure has. Just with the Congress, like the Congress inside of it, if you ask me.

Speaker 8 What did you do after Dennis DeMenez stole your cookies?

Speaker 63 Good question.

Speaker 8 Thanks, me.

Speaker 15 I can't believe Willie Nelson transitioned.

Speaker 34 Unfucking believable.

Speaker 8 You're really doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 118 So, Karen, anything else crazy going on in your life that we should know about?

Speaker 126 Well, you know, I was trying to decide whether or not I should go with the J6 stuff because I have been going to open mics regularly and I've been working on my gay material.

Speaker 64 Why don't we hear one of your gay jokes?

Speaker 80 I want to hear what you gave.

Speaker 7 Do you want to hear one of her gay jokes? Come on.

Speaker 5 I think we do.

Speaker 126 I'll give you a bit of my gay minute. Okay.
It's that I told all my kids growing up I didn't want them to be damaged.

Speaker 126 So I always told them that if I find out you're gay, I just won't be able to love you as much.

Speaker 126 It's nothing personal, but we all know that homosexuality is caused by overbearing, castrating, ball-busting bitch moms. And I'm not going to let one of you

Speaker 126 make me look like a bad mom.

Speaker 126 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 17 I like her. Put her in the arena.

Speaker 12 This might be my favorite bucket pole of all time.

Speaker 38 I know.

Speaker 14 She is a legend.

Speaker 111 She is a legend in Kilton.

Speaker 126 Well, you probably missed me talking about your ball sack on Joke World, but you're.

Speaker 88 What?

Speaker 21 What the

Speaker 9 fuck?

Speaker 126 Last time I was in here, I saw his balls.

Speaker 126 Well, I wasn't in here, it was in LA, actually. And

Speaker 126 I was doing interviews for Joke World, and I've actually seen them a few times now.

Speaker 126 And I said, if I were you, I would keep him in my pants because my husband is 73 years old, and he has better-looking balls the whole deal. My husband looks better.

Speaker 36 What the fuck is that? Just a pants.

Speaker 47 Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 47 Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Speaker 31 There they are. Oh Jesus.

Speaker 53 Yeah, that's awful.

Speaker 5 Oh, oh my oh

Speaker 21 my god.

Speaker 20 Oh

Speaker 47 my god.

Speaker 47 Happy bride.

Speaker 8 Yoni, cancel my postmate's order.

Speaker 126 No, the bad thing is, is after my husband sees this episode, he'll be like walking around with his dick swinging.

Speaker 126 It's funny, when you get older, your dick gets bigger because of gravity. Yeah.

Speaker 30 Except for Ari's, obviously.

Speaker 126 Oh, can you imagine what they're going to look like at 73? That's scary.

Speaker 16 Well, he's already 72.

Speaker 5 Come on, Mark. All right.

Speaker 13 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 21 Asshole, by the way.

Speaker 34 Okay, Red Band.

Speaker 21 Red Band.

Speaker 91 Red Band's actually got a point.

Speaker 60 It is covered in weird balloon knot hemorrhoids.

Speaker 25 It is normal hemorrhoids.

Speaker 97 Very disgusting.

Speaker 92 Mari, your penis to ball's ratio always shocks me.

Speaker 21 It is absolutely shocking.

Speaker 12 I never understand it.

Speaker 17 It is wild. It's like some type of animal.

Speaker 81 I can't quite.

Speaker 8 It's like a weird creature you shoved into that zipper pocket. Yeah.

Speaker 55 It's very bizarre. Gold.

Speaker 62 It is one of the weirdest ball sacks.

Speaker 94 It appears as though it looks cancerous, by the way. Yes.

Speaker 30 You ever get it checked out?

Speaker 79 I'll get it checked. I have not.
I have not.

Speaker 107 Have you had a prostate exam?

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Well, it was a hooker.

Speaker 123 Karen Jones, you are always such an unbelievably entertaining interview.

Speaker 14 Thank you again. Here's the big one for you.

Speaker 31 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 68 I caught it.

Speaker 126 Not like those other chicks.

Speaker 89 Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 8 There she goes. Karen Jones, everyone.

Speaker 8 Goodbye, Karen.

Speaker 8 Great to see you. Great to see you.

Speaker 89 We love you, Karen. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 8 Get the fuck out of here, Karen.

Speaker 8 Jesus fucking Christ. Tell another 45-minute story.

Speaker 17 Oh,

Speaker 34 my god

Speaker 91 i'd let her storm my capital

Speaker 89 am i right

Speaker 5 your next bucket pull goes by the name of aldo caldo

Speaker 37 all right one more time for aldo everybody i guess there's no fucking music here tonight all right

Speaker 121 I love my women, how I love my coffee sliding off the roof roof of my car.

Speaker 121 Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin boy group band called Menugo.

Speaker 113 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Men, nude, oh.

Speaker 121 We used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold-out shows. And I used to think to myself, wow,

Speaker 28 I made it.

Speaker 66 I really made it.

Speaker 121 I remember I came home with my first million. In Pesos.

Speaker 121 It was like the best hundred bucks I ever made.

Speaker 121 People would always ask me, hey, Aldo, how did you know who was going to be the next menudo?

Speaker 61 Because they would get molested and then get kicked out or hit puberty.

Speaker 24 Was it always the cute ones that would say, Subietia mimoto,

Speaker 124 vamos amamar entre los dos?

Speaker 121 No, it was always the menudos that set their microphones up like this.

Speaker 121 He was was the next Ricky Martin

Speaker 13 Aldo Caldo that must crush it taco stands all across the country

Speaker 92 very Latino material you know got to represent okay all right there's a couple of people very

Speaker 33 store set

Speaker 98 hey with the

Speaker 62 pizzito piña that's good all right Aldo, what do you do for work?

Speaker 121 I tour. I'm a a musician.
I'm a musical comedian.

Speaker 96 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 121 About eight years, off and on.

Speaker 110 And you've been playing music your whole life?

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 64 You started with an accordion like a typical Mexican?

Speaker 121 No, I actually started on piano and guitar, and I kind of now play accordion.

Speaker 90 What do you specialize in now?

Speaker 121 Right now, guitar and bass.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 119 Acoustic or electric?

Speaker 61 Whatever the get calls for.

Speaker 77 Brett.

Speaker 87 All right, let's get this guitar out.

Speaker 31 Let's get him to it out.

Speaker 12 I'm dying for playing this guitar.

Speaker 8 Let's get him a guitar. guitar the beautiful heidi with a guitar ready to go

Speaker 92 no no covers aldo it's got to be an original song you gotta

Speaker 8 make it sound good none of that gypsy king

Speaker 81 yeah we don't want to have to give our money to youtube

Speaker 64 oh shit they're fucking this is they're communicating back here they're calling out the play

Speaker 24 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 28 Let's do this.

Speaker 24 We on, kill Tony. Funny mother f bad bitches only.
We on, kill Tony.

Speaker 121 Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony.

Speaker 24 We on, kill Tony.

Speaker 121 Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony.

Speaker 24 We on kill Tony.

Speaker 8 Guitar went out.

Speaker 12 Yeah. Unaccumbia, but I told them because I'm buscando la mon siga.
Let me see. Put your hands together.

Speaker 41 Say, kill Tony, kill Tony.

Speaker 41 Kill Tony.

Speaker 31 All right, you're not singing or playing the instrument.

Speaker 81 That's just my band doing really good stuff.

Speaker 8 That was God taking control of that moment.

Speaker 103 Is there a switch or something, senor?

Speaker 110 Matt Muelling, what would you do to get that guitar to work? I'll pray the bank.

Speaker 33 Wait, you didn't really play that, though?

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 39 Well, not really.

Speaker 63 Not really. It was more lyrical.

Speaker 121 Let's talk to Gibson to get one that works.

Speaker 15 I'm going to get ICE on the phone.

Speaker 8 Ice is on the phone.

Speaker 121 They're waiting for me outside right now.

Speaker 63 Wow.

Speaker 53 I shouldn't even be here right now.

Speaker 54 You know, I'm just proud to be allowed.

Speaker 8 Where should you be?

Speaker 19 Where else would you rather be?

Speaker 121 Well, I come from a law enforcement family.

Speaker 53 They're all CIAs.

Speaker 34 You should be on a deportation center. Yeah.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 63 Okay, Ari, just just going in the middle of an answer with two other people talking.

Speaker 28 Let's go, Ari.

Speaker 97 Every time he pulls out that giant, tiny cock of his, he gets real excited afterwards.

Speaker 65 By all means, by all means.

Speaker 123 Caldo Caldo, I got to get something juicy out of this interview, man.

Speaker 95 Give us a real interesting fun fact about your life.

Speaker 72 Something fun.

Speaker 121 I recently almost

Speaker 121 had a felony charge for having weed down in the South Valley, South Texas.

Speaker 91 Well, I mean, we've all been there.

Speaker 103 How about something else?

Speaker 17 What else?

Speaker 92 Anybody who's had any weed in South Texas has almost been up there.

Speaker 3 Something else.

Speaker 121 I have a day named after me like Deep Madness

Speaker 121 for doing music here out of Texas representing the Latino Music

Speaker 121 Association here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 72 You have a day? What day is it?

Speaker 15 November 15th.

Speaker 19 I also turned it into a festival called the Caldo Festival.

Speaker 121 Help feed 3,000 families

Speaker 65 with caldo and you know soup.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 12 So yeah, so you know, trying to get back to the people that gave to me.

Speaker 121 So representing

Speaker 76 wow, amazing.

Speaker 8 Nice of you to give the soup out instead of eating it yourself.

Speaker 121 Hey, well, I ate a lot of it. I got to test it on.

Speaker 8 What's your favorite soup?

Speaker 63 Caldo de

Speaker 53 all of them.

Speaker 121 Caldo de Carinho.

Speaker 56 No.

Speaker 53 Caldo de Rez.

Speaker 39 Uh-huh.

Speaker 61 All right, Aldo.

Speaker 67 All right, we're going to get you out of here.

Speaker 38 Here's a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 9 There goes Aldo.

Speaker 12 Aldo, everybody.

Speaker 80 And now it's time for one of our regulars.

Speaker 37 Ladies and gentlemen, this man has been an absolute juggernaut since his arrival here in the Kill Tony world.

Speaker 81 He is, without a doubt, one of the most legendary regulars of all time.

Speaker 124 And

Speaker 76 soon to be, without a doubt, a citizen of the United States of America.

Speaker 7 But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 5 This

Speaker 5 is Ari Mary.

Speaker 70 What's up?

Speaker 6 So,

Speaker 32 speaking of small dicks,

Speaker 32 when are we getting big dicks, huh?

Speaker 32 Isn't it crazy there's no developments at all?

Speaker 32 Yo, Elon Musk, fuck you.

Speaker 54 I don't give a fuck about Mars.

Speaker 32 Where's my big black cock?

Speaker 32 Isn't it crazy Katie Perry's in orbit before I have a big hog?

Speaker 54 And I've looked into it.

Speaker 67 No progress.

Speaker 43 The only thing you can get

Speaker 32 is you go to Mexico

Speaker 32 and they don't make you a big dick.

Speaker 32 You pay 60 grand, and what they do,

Speaker 38 they remove your lower abdominal muscles to like excavate

Speaker 67 more dick out of you

Speaker 32 sixty thousand

Speaker 32 for an extra two inches.

Speaker 56 Hey,

Speaker 28 I don't need two inches.

Speaker 32 Great. Now we're at four.

Speaker 11 Wow. Ari, Ari Maddie.

Speaker 12 He has done it again.

Speaker 21 Everybody.

Speaker 44 What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony? What's up, Ari?

Speaker 92 We are are big Ari Maddie fans.

Speaker 8 Huge, huge, Maddie fans.

Speaker 8 Ari, how's it been going? What have you been up to?

Speaker 32 I went to New Orleans yesterday.

Speaker 41 You're from there, right?

Speaker 21 Whoa, whoa.

Speaker 8 Mark Norman is from here.

Speaker 32 Dude, New Orleans, if only the French would see what you guys did to that city.

Speaker 32 Dude, I went on Bourbon Street.

Speaker 26 The smells?

Speaker 32 oh my god dude I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose

Speaker 32 do you know how bad a place has to be

Speaker 32 for an Indian man

Speaker 77 Candace August showing her husband around her old hometown

Speaker 77 yep

Speaker 8 taking him back to see the sights

Speaker 86 So Ari, how's life? What else is going on?

Speaker 56 Anything crazy?

Speaker 32 I don't know. Yeah, we went to Mobile, Alabama, and then New Orleans.

Speaker 32 The power went out during the show four times in Mobile, Alabama.

Speaker 106 Oh, wow.

Speaker 127 And they just go, ah, Mobile.

Speaker 51 Alabama, roll flow.

Speaker 8 Alabama. Not known for its electricity.

Speaker 8 Ari, what's your love life like?

Speaker 16 Two Tony's, two Aries.

Speaker 46 Oh, yeah. Oh, two Tony's, two Aries, Walmart.

Speaker 15 There's got to be another autistic out there, huh?

Speaker 46 You know, Ari, I also have huge balls.

Speaker 2 It's crazy. What's what?

Speaker 56 Prove it.

Speaker 46 No, I'm scared. I'm scared.
No, no, no, no. Listen.

Speaker 81 Are you like Ari?

Speaker 95 Are you mostly balls?

Speaker 32 It's 95% balls.

Speaker 32 Literally, my dick looks like it's chilling on a beanbag, dude. It's fucking.

Speaker 28 My horse.

Speaker 38 My God.

Speaker 2 Your dick looks coming out of a jute tunnel.

Speaker 32 My dick looks like it owes my balls money, and now they're all at the ATM.

Speaker 8 What does an Estonian dick smell like?

Speaker 8 It's clean and white. Sorry, weird question, Tony?

Speaker 103 That is a very weird question.

Speaker 30 What does

Speaker 64 an Estonian dick smell like?

Speaker 47 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 72 Good question, me.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 122 No, we've been having a lot of fun.

Speaker 95 We've been drinking, having a blast around this city.

Speaker 113 Yeah, I have a problem, man.

Speaker 71 I have a problem. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Speaker 32 Drink every day, baby.

Speaker 10 We've been having a lot of fun.

Speaker 55 Yeah, it's so much fun.

Speaker 122 Working hard and playing hard.

Speaker 8 You can do both.

Speaker 60 We can do both.

Speaker 55 What else is going on?

Speaker 13 All right, that's my,

Speaker 8 I'm good.

Speaker 10 Cigarettes are tough.

Speaker 16 You guys look like Siegfried and Roy.

Speaker 90 Oh, this place is absolutely wild.

Speaker 106 Ari, you did it again.

Speaker 53 Did it again?

Speaker 122 You are the man.

Speaker 16 You'll get your citizenship soon.

Speaker 12 Great to see you, Ari.

Speaker 8 There he goes.

Speaker 80 And it goes on and on.

Speaker 8 Back to the bucket. We go.

Speaker 76 Make some place for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 5 It's Benjamin Grella.

Speaker 31 Benjamin Grella.

Speaker 56 Hello, how are you?

Speaker 66 Ladies, are you sick of your man's wrinkled old fucking ball sack?

Speaker 66 That hairy old dusty nutsack.

Speaker 66 Well, I got something for you. It's called Scrotox.

Speaker 66 It's Botox for your testicles.

Speaker 66 I don't care if you like the red socks,

Speaker 66 the white socks, or don't even wear fucking socks.

Speaker 66 For a smooth nutsack tomorrow, use Scrotox today.

Speaker 66 It also removes hair

Speaker 66 for the ultimate tea bagging experience.

Speaker 66 Young lady will be looking forward to that.

Speaker 66 My cousin recently married a Chinese girl.

Speaker 66 At the wedding,

Speaker 66 wedding reception,

Speaker 66 they had this fucking beautiful lasso absolutely.

Speaker 91 Let him go, let him go, let him go. You can finish, Benjamin.

Speaker 8 You got to keep it going.

Speaker 66 They had this beautiful last

Speaker 66 souffle that was out of this world. They had poodle kebabs on a brioche bun,

Speaker 66 Beagle burgers,

Speaker 66 and leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce. I never believed that shit, but I do now.

Speaker 66 That's it.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 28 Hey.

Speaker 58 Hey, Benjamin. Hey.
Good thing you made a finish.

Speaker 104 Benjamin is a legend, believe it or not, much like Karen Jones in this show's history.

Speaker 20 Yes.

Speaker 104 And for the same reason as Karen Jones.

Speaker 96 He is not necessarily known for his stand-up during the minute-long sets, but my God, if this isn't one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

Speaker 95 Famous for being able to somehow tap into a story that is a thousand times funnier than anything he says during the stand-up part.

Speaker 120 It's happened before.

Speaker 95 The legendary story of him stealing a man's television while he made himself a sandwich was told on the show.

Speaker 122 We've heard of him having many hangs with the Night Stalker.

Speaker 91 Yes, actually.

Speaker 110 Some other highlights as well.

Speaker 66 Well, he has a son.

Speaker 56 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 66 They call him Little Richard.

Speaker 66 Good calling Miss Molly.

Speaker 20 Never mind.

Speaker 103 Like I said, his jokes aren't really that good.

Speaker 120 But if we can guide him into accidentally telling a story that he never thought that he would say, you have anything else up your sleeve, Benjamin?

Speaker 122 You've had so many highlight moments on the interview part.

Speaker 110 I mean, we're really pushing it here.

Speaker 96 This is like staying in Vegas when you're already winning.

Speaker 117 You signed up again.

Speaker 122 You're famous for tapping into unbelievable stories. Yeah, is there anything that we should know that you haven't told us before?

Speaker 110 You must have been kicking something around in your head.

Speaker 8 Something fun.

Speaker 66 Yeah, I get another story.

Speaker 56 What?

Speaker 66 I have another story.

Speaker 106 Okay.

Speaker 103 What's this story about?

Speaker 66 It's about

Speaker 66 when I was a drug dealer, I owe these Italian guys in New York $80,000. Oh, great.

Speaker 87 Let's

Speaker 34 fucking go.

Speaker 66 And I didn't have any money.

Speaker 81 Give us the right lighting here, Kino.

Speaker 30 Benjamin owes Italians in New York $80,000.

Speaker 91 He didn't have enough money.

Speaker 106 And here he goes.

Speaker 3 This, this Benjamin Gray.

Speaker 66 Yeah, this was at the height of my heroin addiction.

Speaker 66 That's why I spent there $80,000.

Speaker 66 Well, actually, it had nothing to do with heroin. It was my Coke dealer.
I actually owed him $80,000.

Speaker 66 And he owed the Italians $80,000.

Speaker 66 And there were four other guys that owed him about $100,000. So I owed him the least.

Speaker 66 And their theory was if they killed me, to set an example, the other people would pay up.

Speaker 66 Actually, I only owe him $60,000, but

Speaker 66 my girlfriend owed him $20,000.

Speaker 66 And she was a UCSB student, and she used to sell weed for me.

Speaker 66 And

Speaker 66 they wanted to put her in a cat house up in Reno to work off her $20,000.

Speaker 66 And she's like, well, I'm a vegan. What are you talking about?

Speaker 66 I'm going to graduate this year.

Speaker 66 And so I absorbed her 20 grand, which brought mine up to 80.

Speaker 66 And my friend, whose name is, we'll call him,

Speaker 66 we'll call him Jason

Speaker 66 because that was his name.

Speaker 108 Here we go.

Speaker 13 Perfect.

Speaker 34 This is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 8 We're doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 17 Red Band, we're doing it.

Speaker 89 Keep going, Benjamin.

Speaker 8 Go ahead.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 66 He was a rich kid from Santa Barbara. His dad was like the president of the Santa Barbara Stock Exchange or something.

Speaker 66 But he wasn't a good drug dealer.

Speaker 66 And from hanging around with me, he got strung out on heroin.

Speaker 67 And

Speaker 66 he didn't get along too good with the Mexicans in the neighborhood.

Speaker 66 And I got along great with him

Speaker 66 until I accidentally burnt one of the houses down.

Speaker 66 I just meant to blow up the car,

Speaker 66 but I used too much gasoline.

Speaker 99 And the driveway had a little incline to it.

Speaker 66 And the gasoline went around the house.

Speaker 66 And

Speaker 66 you know,

Speaker 66 shit happens.

Speaker 66 I didn't expect the house to catch fire.

Speaker 67 I'm going off track.

Speaker 66 This has nothing to do with the Italians.

Speaker 66 Hi, Mike.

Speaker 67 Yeah, well,

Speaker 66 these,

Speaker 66 we'll call these guys the Rodriguez brothers.

Speaker 66 Because that was their name.

Speaker 66 And

Speaker 66 they were cool guys. They were honest, honest drug dealers.

Speaker 66 You give them money, they brought the drugs back. And none of them are home this particular day except their one brother, Jesse.

Speaker 66 And he had just got out of jail, like two days before that. And I figured he was cool like the rest of the brothers.
So I gave him a six grand for an ounce of heroin.

Speaker 66 And while we were talking about the heroin, he showed me this vintage car that he was working on.

Speaker 66 And he was really proud of this car.

Speaker 66 So anyway, I gave him the money. And after an hour, he didn't come back.
And he left me in his little shack behind his parents' house. I'm waiting for him.
After two hours, he didn't come back.

Speaker 66 And I finally realized his motherfucker ripped me off.

Speaker 66 And it was Jason's money, my friend Jason, the coke dealer.

Speaker 66 So I had to go back and tell him, I

Speaker 66 lost the money. I fucking got ripped off.
And he's like, holy shit, the Italians are coming.

Speaker 66 We have to get all this money together.

Speaker 66 So he said, what are you going to do? I said, I don't know, but it's fucked up. He said, I'm going to go blow his car up.

Speaker 66 Went to the gas station, got a gallon of gas.

Speaker 66 You know, I used to blow cars up a lot when I was a teenager.

Speaker 66 You know.

Speaker 66 The older guys, they didn't want to make payments anymore, so they would

Speaker 66 give me 50 bucks and the keys of their car.

Speaker 66 And they'd say, you know, drive it around for a week, have fun, and then burn it.

Speaker 66 So I did.

Speaker 66 First time I did it, I didn't realize you're supposed to leave a trail.

Speaker 66 And I poured gas all over the place. They said, put in the engine compartment, the trunk, the interior, and then throw a match at it.
But they didn't tell me to make a trail.

Speaker 66 So I was standing like six inches away from the fucking car.

Speaker 66 And I'm like...

Speaker 67 And

Speaker 28 all my hair burns.

Speaker 66 My fucking eyebrows, my eyelashes,

Speaker 66 my hair. I go back to the donut shop.

Speaker 66 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 100 And they said, wait, wait, wait, hold on one second.

Speaker 109 Where did this donut shop come from?

Speaker 66 No, donut shop.

Speaker 99 Okay.

Speaker 56 Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.

Speaker 66 I went back to the donut shop.

Speaker 66 My big book is filled too, by the way.

Speaker 3 Okay, just keep going.

Speaker 38 Come on. Talk about that later.

Speaker 13 It's almost tomorrow.

Speaker 66 And they said, make sure you bring the keys back. If you don't bring the keys back, the insurance company will, they won't, I won't collect.
And I forgot the keys in the ignition.

Speaker 66 So as soon as I go back to the donut shop, they say, you got the keys? And I went, oh, shit. I forgot the keys.
And they're like, what the fuck happened to your hair? I said, well,

Speaker 66 I got burnt, you know.

Speaker 66 So the next day we went to look at the car where they towed it and everything was melted the dashboard the steering wheel the keys were like a puddle on there there's nothing there

Speaker 66 anyways that's a different story

Speaker 11 about

Speaker 66 about Jesse's uh Jesse's sorry I shouldn't use their real name because they might still be around these guys

Speaker 66 and they're gonna be pissed off when they see this

Speaker 66 Because the very next day after the house caught fire,

Speaker 66 I went right back, knocked on the door. I'm like, what the fuck? Your brother ripped me off last night.
What happened to your house? And some fucking asshole blew it up.

Speaker 66 My brother's been ripping everybody off, you know, and people are pissed off.

Speaker 66 Anyway, so that was that. So

Speaker 66 back to the Italians.

Speaker 3 Yes, here we go.

Speaker 66 So

Speaker 66 Jason's in, hey, you guys got to pay up. The Italians are coming.
He was saying this for like six fucking months. And he was a wimp.
You know, he go to score heroin.

Speaker 66 He called me one day crying from downtown. He said, the fucking Mexicans took my BMW.

Speaker 66 What the hell? I told you not to go down there without me. He goes down there with his tennis shirt and his sweater tied around his neck.
You know how the fucking

Speaker 45 Santa Barbara cousin? Keep going.

Speaker 66 Back to the Italians. Back to the Italians.
So anyway,

Speaker 66 he said, the Italians are coming. The Italians are coming.
And we're like, yeah, yeah, fuck you, Jason.

Speaker 66 So finally, at my house one day, my girlfriend was sitting there about six o'clock at night, and there's a knock on the door.

Speaker 66 I opened the door, and there's this little guy who looks like Joe Pesci with an afro.

Speaker 66 And he goes, hey, I'm Frank.

Speaker 66 And this is my friend, you know, Bubber, this big muscle guy. He said, we're here to discuss your bill with Jason.

Speaker 71 I'm going, oh, fuck.

Speaker 66 The Italians, they're here.

Speaker 64 The Italians have finally arrived.

Speaker 34 For those of you that have

Speaker 64 completely fallen asleep six minutes ago.

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 30 The Italians, they have arrived.

Speaker 66 I got distracted. So Italians are here, and they're saying, Come on, we're going to take you off for dinner.
We want to talk about how you're going to pay us back.

Speaker 66 And I'm like, you know, I'm really not hungry.

Speaker 66 I just ate. And my girlfriend's going, like, don't go, you'll never come back.
You know, she's the one that owned the 20 grand. So, anyway, I did.

Speaker 66 We went with the Italians, and they said, you know, we're talking about how I'm going to pay him back. I said, look, I don't even fucking deal drugs anymore.
I'm just a fucking strung-out junkie.

Speaker 66 And, you know, one day at a time, keep coming back.

Speaker 59 And

Speaker 66 so finally,

Speaker 15 I'll pay you 80 grand to finish this story.

Speaker 59 Hey, hello!

Speaker 8 And I'll double that money if you tell me where Gabby Petito is.

Speaker 66 So anyway, I talked them into letting me, my girlfriend got a job in San Francisco

Speaker 66 for Chevron, and I told them, look, I got a job at this restaurant in San Francisco. You guys let me leave town and I'll send you guys like two grand a month, you know.

Speaker 66 I didn't have a job in San Francisco. I lied.
So anyway, they said, okay, you go to San Francisco and you send us that money.

Speaker 66 If you don't send us that money, we're going to come up there and fucking use you and set an example for the other guys. So they'll pay up.

Speaker 66 And I'm saying, well, yeah, if you kill me, you won't get the money. They said, yeah, but it'll, you know, give them the impetus to pay.
the rest of the money and they owe a lot more than you do.

Speaker 66 It was like a half a million all together.

Speaker 66 So anyway, I'm in San Francisco. Two, three months go by.
I didn't send anything.

Speaker 66 I didn't talk to them or anything. And one day I'm in bed and I hear, I'm dreaming of a fire crackling.
You know, firewood and crackling fire.

Speaker 66 Like 6 a.m.

Speaker 64 in the morning.

Speaker 66 My girlfriend was visiting her parents in Santa Barbara, so I was alone.

Speaker 66 And it wasn't a fireplace.

Speaker 122 You're dreaming and then?

Speaker 66 And then I thought it was a fireplace, but what it was in reality was my door to the apartment being cracked open. It was the wood actually cracked right down the middle.

Speaker 66 And I see these big guys go walking by my door, big guns, t-shirts, jeans, tennis shoes.

Speaker 59 Fucking.

Speaker 66 And then one, two, three, and the fourth one.

Speaker 66 The fourth one looks to the bedroom and he's going ah shit.

Speaker 42 He's in here.

Speaker 66 Next thing I know, I sit up like that. There's three fucking guys

Speaker 128 on my gag

Speaker 16 come on this is kill tony not rogan

Speaker 68 and

Speaker 64 so then what happened ben the italians are finally here 20 minutes into the story yeah and they

Speaker 66 pour them into your freedom they uh one of them straddled me and the other two are standing on my hands Later on, they told me they thought I was reaching for a gun. That's why they did that.

Speaker 66 And the one in the middle put the fucking gun in my mouth, chipped my tooth, pulled the hammer back, and I'm going, okay, this is it. I'm going to fucking be dead.

Speaker 66 Then a guy comes in the doorway in a three-piece suit with a tie, pulls out a fucking badge, and he goes, Ben Grelly? I said, yeah. He goes, DEA, you're under arrest.

Speaker 66 So it wasn't the Italians.

Speaker 122 You got busted for being a heroin dealer and addict.

Speaker 66 Jason got busted in Santa Barbara.

Speaker 66 And he had my name and address in his book, my telephone number, and the other four guys, all their names names and addresses.

Speaker 66 And he was always telling us, use code, don't use my name, blah, blah, blah, all this shit. And he didn't do it.
It follows his own direction.

Speaker 115 Ben, is there like something big coming?

Speaker 3 Is that it?

Speaker 66 No, that's not it.

Speaker 97 That's it?

Speaker 67 No, there's more.

Speaker 123 Okay, well, let's get to that stuff real quick.

Speaker 66 Anyway, yeah, well, they picked me up out of bed. I had my fucking boxes on, which happened to have marijuana leaves emblazoned all over them.
And they had me in the

Speaker 66 kitchen.

Speaker 66 And they were looking for coat because they said you owe him 80 grand and I'm like no no I owed him 80 dollars you guys are fucked up you got your you didn't do your homework it's 80 not 80 grand he he he paid for my friend Zappa ticket I just fucking made up this ticket we didn't go to see Frank Zappa

Speaker 66 anyway so the Santa Barbara cops flew up from Santa Barbara and the DEA

Speaker 89 Ben

Speaker 66 you might have to finish it next time it's a little too long okay long story short I didn't talk.

Speaker 31 You can't do that.

Speaker 28 Let him do it now.

Speaker 43 I'm not listening to Biden. I didn't.

Speaker 66 I didn't talk. And the Italians actually did.
The head Italian called me up. He said, y'all, the only one that didn't fucking rant on us.
Everybody else talked. He had the fucking transcripts.

Speaker 66 And I said, well, what about the 80 grand? He says, forget about the 80 grand. We had a good day yesterday.
And that was it.

Speaker 35 Wow.

Speaker 14 All right. Here's a big joke book, Ben.

Speaker 31 Congratulations.

Speaker 76 Benjamin Grell.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 47 Alright. All right.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 31 Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi.

Speaker 77 The lovely Heidi cleanses our palate

Speaker 81 from the unbelievable, dreadful story of Benjamin Grell.

Speaker 41 Who's gripping a nothing at the same time?

Speaker 63 He's really good at it, but that one didn't really

Speaker 89 have the twists and turns it normally does.

Speaker 15 No, that was like the Irishman.

Speaker 111 All right, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 97 This looks like a new name makes a noise for Luke Lawrence, everybody.

Speaker 63 Luke Lawrence,

Speaker 38 everybody.

Speaker 8 Here he goes.

Speaker 73 Woo! I know I'm not a confident guy,

Speaker 73 and I know I'm not a hot guy. But I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieved when they walk in my apartment.

Speaker 73 Like, I know I'm not, like, a hard day's work. You know what I mean? But I'm gonna give her a run for her money for sure.

Speaker 66 For sure.

Speaker 73 I got a crazy little message from my ex-girlfriend, a little my friend's ex-girlfriend a little while ago. She texts me, she's like, Hey, Tyler just died.
And I'm like, Holy fuck.

Speaker 73 And she's like, Yeah, he just told me he loved me. And I just pitch her, my best friend, having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately because she couldn't find it right after he died.

Speaker 73 And all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he dies.

Speaker 73 Nope.

Speaker 73 Things aren't always the best they can be sometimes you get fucking cheated on and you know your friends try to support you sometimes when you get cheated on my best friends literally just like yo man She's for the streets.

Speaker 73 She's not she's native

Speaker 112 She's for the land

Speaker 73 That's it. Holy fuck that was terrible.

Speaker 41 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 79 Wow, you got the fuck you nailed it there at the end.

Speaker 37 You are correct. That was terrible.

Speaker 30 Wow.

Speaker 8 All you had to do was get one laugh.

Speaker 73 Dude, I know.

Speaker 30 All you had to do was anything.

Speaker 53 That was hilarious.

Speaker 106 Okay, Okay, so Luke Lawrence, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 73 Oh, too long for that.

Speaker 53 Okay. Too long for that.

Speaker 73 I only do once a week, though, because I live in Newfoundland.

Speaker 53 Oh, wow.

Speaker 73 Yeah, so I own the only comedy club in Newfoundland, and it only hosts comedy one night a week.

Speaker 15 Okay, well, it's going to close after this.

Speaker 53 Yeah. Oh, dude.

Speaker 46 They tried to cancel my show.

Speaker 73 They canceled my comedy club like two weeks ago. It's crazy.
For what?

Speaker 73 We hosted

Speaker 73 the Danger Cats.

Speaker 73 What's that? It's a group in

Speaker 73 a comedy troupe in

Speaker 55 Comedy Groping on the Commodore, man.

Speaker 53 I forgot about this. That's interesting.

Speaker 12 Exactly.

Speaker 122 Is it? It's a Canadian.

Speaker 73 Canadian comedy troupe. They're coming down here in a few weeks.
But yeah, shit got fucking. And they were like, apparently they were tied to

Speaker 73 neo-Nazis or some shit. I don't fucking know.
It was.

Speaker 50 Okay. Yeah, right?

Speaker 51 Right?

Speaker 73 And then the woke people were all flipping out and saying that I was like affiliated with it. I was like, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 78 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 106 Okay.

Speaker 8 You dress like you coach a Nazi basketball league.

Speaker 30 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 95 Why Newfoundland?

Speaker 67 That's where I was born.

Speaker 60 And, okay.

Speaker 73 And then

Speaker 73 I moved to Toronto. I was living in Toronto for a while.
And then the pandemic happened. And then, like, everybody in Toronto cared about the pandemic.

Speaker 73 And I went back to Newfoundland because it's like, I was one of the last people to see the submersible leave.

Speaker 60 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 73 I have a boat, and I was like hanging out on the boat, and then I seen the submersible go away. Like, you did the Titan submersible.

Speaker 56 Ah. Yeah.

Speaker 61 Gotcha.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Gotcha.

Speaker 60 That's hilarious. Let me do which one.

Speaker 60 What do you do for work?

Speaker 73 I own a comedy club. Nope.

Speaker 73 Nope. Nope.

Speaker 10 No. Nope.

Speaker 89 No one believes you. How do you make money?

Speaker 73 I own, I fucking, I just, I have a couple businesses.

Speaker 81 What are the other businesses?

Speaker 73 The other businesses are production company and I'm also a screenwriter. And I, yeah.

Speaker 122 How much money have you made screenwriting?

Speaker 73 Too much to talk about on the show, I guess.

Speaker 63 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 92 Have you written anything that we've seen?

Speaker 73 Yeah, I got a movie called Party Pirate that's on Amazon Prime right now. Party Pirate.

Speaker 96 Party Pirate. We're my Party Pirate fans.

Speaker 8 Party Pirates. You've seen it?

Speaker 41 It's got surprisingly good ratings.

Speaker 73 Canada editing, they just made the fucking movie so shitty, I think. But like...

Speaker 14 What is party pirate? It's my opinion.

Speaker 73 Like, literally, like, it was just like, every time I submitted a script, they're like,

Speaker 73 this got to come out. And I'm like, fuck's sakes, man.
Jesus Christ. It's not the same thing I tried to put out there, but that's it.

Speaker 33 Is Party Pilot about an Asia guy who flies planes?

Speaker 73 I didn't even hear what you said.

Speaker 61 What did you say?

Speaker 73 What happened earlier in the show that I'm not getting?

Speaker 92 Nothing.

Speaker 96 It was right there in the moment.

Speaker 103 Because that's how Asians

Speaker 77 talk.

Speaker 94 This episode is brought to you by Incogni and Tocovis.

Speaker 105 So tell us something crazy about your life here.

Speaker 100 We're trying to figure something out about you.

Speaker 67 I know.

Speaker 73 I have a lot of near-death experiences.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Yeah, I've almost died a bunch of times, like a lot too often. One of them got 30 million views in a day.

Speaker 61 What happened?

Speaker 73 I drove a

Speaker 73 side-by-side, a four-seater side-by-side off like a seven-story cliff, and then I rode it off, walked away immediately, and then the cartel were just like, you owe us $50,000.

Speaker 61 Ooh, the Italians are coming.

Speaker 73 No, the cartel, the Mexican cartel.

Speaker 21 No, I know.

Speaker 33 Do you count tonight as one of the nights you almost died?

Speaker 73 I bonded on stage. Yeah, it's terrible.
Holy fuck.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 95 Do you have audiences? Are you used to performing in front of other human beings?

Speaker 73 Those jokes,

Speaker 73 those three jokes,

Speaker 73 they are the most performed, like best performance ones.

Speaker 16 What the fuck was that sentence you just said?

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 73 I've got this fluency, too.

Speaker 53 I've got a fucking fucking disability, so it's like you can't tell.

Speaker 8 We all do.

Speaker 8 What is your best joke that you could tell right now?

Speaker 45 My best joke.

Speaker 73 It's not quick. Like, trying to perform, like, trying to get a minute is so much harder than trying to do like a three-minute set or any of that shit.

Speaker 61 Right, because you have long setups, right?

Speaker 53 Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 102 Yes, I am right.

Speaker 93 We're going to keep it moving here.

Speaker 64 Here's a little joke book, Newfoundland.

Speaker 91 Christ, okay.

Speaker 106 Aw, everybody's sad.

Speaker 97 I mean, he's

Speaker 110 doesn't have any, there's nothing to talk about.

Speaker 11 There you go.

Speaker 89 We're going to keep it moving along.

Speaker 8 Keep it moving. Back to the bucket.

Speaker 13 Back to the bucket.

Speaker 80 This is surprisingly our ninth bucket pool of the night.

Speaker 91 We've been flying through it here tonight.

Speaker 97 Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 67 Yeah, hi. Hi, everybody.

Speaker 127 Yeah, Neil Rubenstein.

Speaker 127 People mispronounce it all the time, too. Rubenstein, Rubenstein, Goldberg.

Speaker 127 I'm named after my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein, but I know that wasn't his name, you know, because he came over from Poland in the 1930s.

Speaker 28 So his name was like a bunch of C's and Z's.

Speaker 127 No vowels.

Speaker 127 Inside out K for some reason.

Speaker 127 And just the immigration guys couldn't read it. They're like, what are you showing me? A Wi-Fi password?

Speaker 44 Like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today.

Speaker 127 You're going to be Norman from now on.

Speaker 44 He said, my last name's Jones.

Speaker 127 Norman Rubinstein. You guys made me nervous.
Holy shit.

Speaker 44 We're giving out a lot of Normans today. You're going to be Norman from now on.

Speaker 127 Norman Rubinstein.

Speaker 44 He said, my last name's Jones. Like, not anymore, Jew.

Speaker 127 And they just shoved them back down the stairs.

Speaker 59 That's how it was for us.

Speaker 44 Never been a good time in history for the Jews.

Speaker 46 No one's going to be like, oh, you're Jewish right this way.

Speaker 113 Well, once.

Speaker 127 Stepped on the well once, but.

Speaker 50 Neil Rubenstein.

Speaker 38 Hello, Neil.

Speaker 12 Hello, Neil.

Speaker 64 You've been on this show before, right?

Speaker 127 Yeah, and it went better.

Speaker 107 Yeah, it went better last time.

Speaker 61 Yeah, that's all right. What do you think went wrong tonight? You said that we

Speaker 127 got nervous. I switched because he brought up Jew right away who whoever said Jew

Speaker 122 I think they were yelling at Ari by yeah also yeah you know cuz Mark looks Jewish so I was like all right I guess we'll do Jew jokes or there's the rabbi in the middle here that doesn't seem to notice this yiddish fucking overlord quite the matzaballs

Speaker 26 yeah

Speaker 72 the final boss of Auschwitz the video game here

Speaker 51 Ari

Speaker 15 Shafir you look like you eat Jews yeah yeah, very good.

Speaker 63 You look more like Rubin-esque.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 127 He did that last time. He did the Ruben sandwich.

Speaker 61 So you don't have to, the people are, let the new people make the same jokes that everybody thinks when they see you.

Speaker 96 It should be a barometer to let you know exactly what people think.

Speaker 8 How long have you managed the animal band at Chuck E. Cheese?

Speaker 62 What do you do for work, Neil?

Speaker 122 What do you do?

Speaker 127 I just do this mostly.

Speaker 95 Surprisingly. How do you make money doing this?

Speaker 127 Like doing shows, road shows, and then also Sirius XM royalties and YouTube stuff.

Speaker 110 From a show you have on Sirius XM?

Speaker 67 No, I have a record out.

Speaker 127 That's right. And it's in like regular rotation.

Speaker 119 You're a musician.

Speaker 127 No, a comedy album out.

Speaker 56 Oh.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Isn't that concerning?

Speaker 100 How long have you been on Stand-Up Again?

Speaker 127 10 years. 10 years.

Speaker 122 And you're making money doing this.

Speaker 127 Yeah. I mean, not a ton, not as much as you guys, but...

Speaker 61 yeah, I mean yeah

Speaker 21 You're goddamn right.

Speaker 56 I bought my own fucking clone

Speaker 8 I have a hot tub in my bathtub

Speaker 97 I do have a hot tub in my bathtub

Speaker 105 Neil since this isn't going hilarious from your end, let's go the other direction. Tell us about the saddest thing in your life

Speaker 55 of all time.

Speaker 92 Like what's some type of trauma that you're dealing with what makes you cry

Speaker 127 i uh i tend to talk about my parents deaths a lot yeah what happened there exactly

Speaker 127 they uh my mom died just a month after my dad did you eat both of them yes all right so how did they die

Speaker 127 uh my dad died it was like concussive symptoms but it was just like he was just like an old man he was an old man and uh my mom died of leukemia so yeah But we didn't believe her because she was like a huge...

Speaker 21 Red Ben. Red Ben.

Speaker 46 Red Ben.

Speaker 127 She was a huge hypochondriac, so we didn't believe her.

Speaker 95 So your mom was complaining that she was sick with something, and you guys didn't believe her.

Speaker 100 And then it turns out she had leukemia.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 92 So you must be dealing with the guilt of that.

Speaker 127 No, not really. I mean, what the fuck? If I believed her, what would that change?

Speaker 72 She would have gotten treated for leukemia.

Speaker 8 Ever heard of chemotherapy? She was already

Speaker 127 like in the hospital. Actually, chemo, she had breast cancer.
They gave her chemo. It gave her leukemia.

Speaker 33 Wait, she was in the hospital for cancer and you still did not believe her?

Speaker 8 Where were you? The cafeteria?

Speaker 29 Yes.

Speaker 8 Yes. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 127 She was, yeah,

Speaker 127 because like she was always like, you know, I have fibromyalgia.

Speaker 55 We're like...

Speaker 127 Like, what are the symptoms? Being mean to me, you know?

Speaker 122 Wow, your mom was mean to you.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 127 So then like, yeah, so then she was in the hospital for leukemia and they were

Speaker 42 it's okay, I don't know who's doing it, but it's great.

Speaker 127 Uh, yeah, she was in the hospital, and my sister was like, Come see her, she's about to die, uh-huh. And we're like, Yeah, we'll get there when we get there.

Speaker 55 And then, what happened?

Speaker 114 I got there, like, as she died, like, when you say, as she died, like, because like there's a part where the heart stops.

Speaker 94 No, so, like, was it, did you make it, or was it just afterwards, and you feel guilty about it?

Speaker 127 Should I be doing bits or no,

Speaker 44 no, she just

Speaker 127 I wasn't asking you dickhead

Speaker 95 yeah she uh you know it seems like you're dealing with a lot of trauma here and uh

Speaker 72 um I am gonna bring out someone special to talk with you right now don't worry it's not your mom or dad

Speaker 76 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat.

Speaker 104 Make some noise.

Speaker 86 Swinging in, just to give a quick analysis of the great Neil Rubinstein.

Speaker 111 A very, very special treat make some noise for the great and powerful dr drew everybody

Speaker 11 wow

Speaker 28 legend of the gang the man the myth we know him we love him the great and powerful dr drew dr drew dr drew grab mark norman's mic there Or Neil's, whatever.

Speaker 122 And

Speaker 51 hasn't been using it enough?

Speaker 122 The great Neil Rubenstein ran late to the death of his mother, and he has problems dealing with it.

Speaker 100 He says that his mom picked on him.

Speaker 72 His parents died, and that's why he says he eats himself to death every day.

Speaker 76 Do you have any advice?

Speaker 127 I'm taking some liberties with the story.

Speaker 2 So you were there when your mom died?

Speaker 127 Yeah, we watched. Yeah, we were there.

Speaker 71 And what happened?

Speaker 99 No, we just.

Speaker 8 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 31 She just died?

Speaker 127 Yeah, you know, she was like, just wanted her kids around her, and we all said goodbye. And she asked me to, you know, to make sure I make jokes about leukemia.

Speaker 127 Well, sometimes when your mom's

Speaker 61 a C,

Speaker 15 she does you a favor.

Speaker 33 Because when she dies, you don't give a shit.

Speaker 127 No, she wasn't.

Speaker 61 She wasn't. Oh, now we're defending them.

Speaker 54 Well,

Speaker 25 well, what am I supposed to do?

Speaker 15 So, is there a food addiction here? Is that

Speaker 75 I don't know. I just serious shit.

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 95 Tell us about the food addiction, Neil.

Speaker 98 Go ahead.

Speaker 127 I don't know if it's food.

Speaker 55 I guess.

Speaker 28 It is. It's food.
It's food, bro. Yeah.

Speaker 21 It's definitely food.

Speaker 21 Have there been other addictions?

Speaker 127 I've fluctuated in my life. I am fat now.

Speaker 61 I'm also old now.

Speaker 127 I wasn't always that either.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I struggled with that.

Speaker 33 You seem like a very sensitive man.

Speaker 61 I am a sensitive man. I see that.

Speaker 45 I have

Speaker 45 RSD.

Speaker 103 Is that a thing?

Speaker 103 RSD, what's that?

Speaker 92 I have HBO, but what is that?

Speaker 21 Really superb.

Speaker 56 diet?

Speaker 28 No, yeah, I'm a sensitive.

Speaker 13 We're boring everybody to death right now.

Speaker 38 Maybe I should meet with him backstage.

Speaker 20 You know what?

Speaker 123 That's actually a great. What is RSD, though?

Speaker 95 I want to know.

Speaker 127 What is rejective?

Speaker 21 Whoa, Jesus.

Speaker 28 Wow, the audience is wild here tonight.

Speaker 31 Wild.

Speaker 76 Some guy just yelled regenerative sucking dick.

Speaker 14 Just to show you the quality of the fan base we have here.

Speaker 31 He's now bowing.

Speaker 89 Christ.

Speaker 31 What an asshole.

Speaker 103 Guys, make some noise.

Speaker 37 What just a fun pleasure to get to call him out.

Speaker 31 Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, the great American,

Speaker 5 Dr.

Speaker 21 Drew Kinski, everybody.

Speaker 12 This is a legendary show tonight.

Speaker 31 We do love you. Thank you, Dr.

Speaker 103 Drew.

Speaker 31 We're so happy you swung by.

Speaker 37 You never know who you'll see here.

Speaker 14 There they go. They're going to have a little session.

Speaker 81 I'm just kidding. Dr.

Speaker 62 Drew, go enjoy yourself.

Speaker 56 You can't help that, man.

Speaker 53 Dr.

Speaker 8 Drew, the only man who can wear a child's small shirt and make it look good.

Speaker 97 That's true.

Speaker 17 Except for us.

Speaker 72 We do a good job, too.

Speaker 107 What an episode.

Speaker 86 Did you guys have fun tonight?

Speaker 8 This was so good.

Speaker 14 You know, there's only one way to end an episode like this.

Speaker 111 And it is with the reigning defending Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time appearances and interviews.

Speaker 14 A man who some people say is the Richard Pryor's favorite comedian.

Speaker 14 Some people say that when this man sleeps at night,

Speaker 86 God, yes,

Speaker 8 he dreams about Dane Cookbits.

Speaker 89 Some people say that when he wakes up in the morning, Chuck Norris is afraid of him.

Speaker 8 He's the only guy who wipes his butt after he pees

Speaker 28 a man so hot that he cooks steak on his own thigh

Speaker 14 ladies and gentlemen this is the vanilla gorilla the memphis strangler the big red machine william montgomery

Speaker 46 And that is true.

Speaker 129 I do wipe my butt after I pee.

Speaker 129 Anytime I hear someone say, I didn't save my dog, my dog saved me. I'm like, you stole Lassie?

Speaker 54 Wait, were you drowning?

Speaker 129 The children's show, Sesame Street, is celebrating Pride Month. And I'm going to be honest, I had no idea puppets had anuses.

Speaker 129 How about those people that say, I'd like to order an iced coffee, hold the ice. I want to go up and say, I'd like a blow job, but hold the blow.

Speaker 69 And they go, wait, what?

Speaker 129 And then I'm like, I'm sorry, can I fill out an application?

Speaker 129 And on the eighth day, God created Aphex Twin, and Aphex Twin said, no, we just need seven. And God was like, oh, my God, he's such a genius.

Speaker 126 Okay, that's my time, Tony.

Speaker 76 William Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 96 A long-awaited Apex Twin reference.

Speaker 97 It's been a while.

Speaker 63 It's been forever.

Speaker 129 I started listening to Apex Twin again, Tody.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 72 You love it.

Speaker 95 What do you do when you listen to Apex Twin?

Speaker 60 Have you been rowing?

Speaker 129 Fuck. Yeah, well, I'm at 980,000 meters.
So Wednesday, I'm going to hit a million meters, Tody, on the row machine. I got to get my A1C down.
I'm pre-diabetic.

Speaker 130 So that's why I'm doing a million meters on the row machine.

Speaker 61 Wow.

Speaker 33 William, this is the first time I've ever seen long short shorts.

Speaker 129 It's the first time, what?

Speaker 61 Shut up, man.

Speaker 129 I really didn't hear you.

Speaker 33 The short shorts.

Speaker 19 All right. Oh, the short shorts.

Speaker 8 William, what's your love life like?

Speaker 89 Wait, no, William's on every week.

Speaker 90 Me? We know is a love life.

Speaker 129 But yeah, Tony, I started and finished finished a puzzle. I started it Friday, finished it on Sunday.

Speaker 97 So that's what was the puzzle?

Speaker 129 It was a hard one.

Speaker 130 We are talking, it was the table of a diner. It was a cheeseburger on there.
It was two different types of pickles on there.

Speaker 130 It was a apple pie.

Speaker 92 Keep describing the things that were on the puzzle.

Speaker 21 There was a what? A cheeseburger?

Speaker 129 Yeah, there was the cheeseburger.

Speaker 130 I mean, we're also talking apple pie.

Speaker 83 A couple straws of different colors.

Speaker 130 Those were kind of hard.

Speaker 130 Sorry, Tony, I just can't get into it tonight.

Speaker 103 You can't describe the things that were in the puzzle?

Speaker 130 I'm trying, but then it's like they were doing, I don't know.

Speaker 67 What's going on, Willie?

Speaker 130 I don't really want to get into it right now.

Speaker 55 Oh, come on, Willie.

Speaker 65 Willie.

Speaker 33 It's just friends here.

Speaker 130 Well, I'm going to the doctor

Speaker 130 tomorrow, Tony. I haven't told anybody this, but I've been out on the road.
I've been having a great time out on the road, but I've actually turned into a bug chaser.

Speaker 130 And that's somebody that has unprotected sex with people with like HIV and stuff. And I'm getting my STD results tomorrow.

Speaker 3 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 130 So seriously, I'm a little worried about it. And I have fucking high blood pressure, high A1C.

Speaker 130 I could have HIV.

Speaker 96 What else? What else might you have?

Speaker 15 Fuck.

Speaker 10 I mean, they're thinking maybe a little gonorrhea.

Speaker 75 I know I got herpes, don't I?

Speaker 129 So did it all work?

Speaker 30 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 3 What else?

Speaker 15 Have you heard of RSD?

Speaker 48 RSD?

Speaker 16 Regenerative sucking dick.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 22 That was the last guy.

Speaker 60 Wow.

Speaker 81 When you said you were a bug chaser, I thought maybe you were chasing bugs.

Speaker 66 No, it's a.

Speaker 96 If you were going to chase bugs, what kind of bugs would you chase?

Speaker 8 What's your favorite bug?

Speaker 62 What are your favorite bugs?

Speaker 129 Oh my gosh, I love little cicadas. They make really fun noises in the summertime.

Speaker 129 Just cicadas, Tony. That's all I can think about right now.
I can only think. I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 No, what else? Hold on.

Speaker 55 What other bugs do I like?

Speaker 38 Beetles? Ooh.

Speaker 28 Red Man!

Speaker 56 Stop.

Speaker 95 Ladybugs? Some guy just yelled.

Speaker 63 Ladybugs.

Speaker 8 What about lady boys?

Speaker 8 What's your love life like?

Speaker 8 We're doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 123 Are you excited that there's two of me up here, William?

Speaker 109 You've done the show more than anybody else.

Speaker 129 I've never seen it.

Speaker 130 I love it, Tony. It really is nice.
Having two beautiful men up here, like y'all, it really has been so nice, and y'all are laughing at the same time. It has been so funny.

Speaker 61 It's cool. I've loved it.

Speaker 15 Tony and the Zohan.

Speaker 60 It's a little reference.

Speaker 67 I love it. All right.

Speaker 95 William, anything else crazy going on that we should know about this?

Speaker 130 Just heading to Tampa, Florida, so we'll see how Tampa goes.

Speaker 38 Oh, boy. Tampa.

Speaker 99 Yep.

Speaker 61 Huh.

Speaker 61 Why are you guys cheering for Tampa like that?

Speaker 110 What are your favorite cities, William?

Speaker 55 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 10 I mean, I've really loved Portland!

Speaker 10 Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Speaker 91 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 34 Named a liberal dumpster fire first in the middle of Texas.

Speaker 20 Okay!

Speaker 21 Another extremely liberal

Speaker 33 conservative.

Speaker 13 They love

Speaker 66 gay stuff.

Speaker 97 That cigarette's out.

Speaker 33 It's beyond the filter.

Speaker 34 I've never seen someone smoke that far into a cigarette.

Speaker 37 What is wrong with me?

Speaker 92 William, anything else?

Speaker 122 Don't you name a few more bugs that you love, huh?

Speaker 130 A uh.

Speaker 67 Oh, someone.

Speaker 61 Yep, just.

Speaker 129 Why did that bitch say Jacksonville?

Speaker 47 He said bugs.

Speaker 129 He's like, what kind of bugs? I'm trying to think of bugs, bitch. I don't need to fucking.

Speaker 129 It's sure as shit, not Jacksonville, you stupid bitch, for the the fucking places I like. Seriously, what the fuck is that, you stupid bitch?

Speaker 129 I'm already obviously having a really hard time up here tonight. Seriously, I gotta go to the fucking doctor tomorrow, you stupid bitch.
I'm almost at a million fucking meters on the row machine.

Speaker 129 I'm sure your stupid ass couldn't touch that, you stupid bitch.

Speaker 41 You're probably horribly out of shape.

Speaker 41 I've been doing it every day, you bitch.

Speaker 5 William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 This episode brought to you by Incogni and Tocovis.

Speaker 7 Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 103 Mark Norman, tell us your what's what's shake and the pods.

Speaker 88 You're on tour.

Speaker 86 What's the website for tickets?

Speaker 27 Hey, MarkNormanComedy.com.

Speaker 17 Get some tickets.

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 8 The great Ari Shafir,

Speaker 8 where are you at?

Speaker 33 Mark Norman's film is special November in Boulder, Colorado.

Speaker 31 Everyone, come see that.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 86 Plugging Mark Norman's special taping six months out.

Speaker 81 Are you up to anything?

Speaker 8 I've got a new podcast called You Be Trippin'.

Speaker 8 Got over 20 listeners.

Speaker 76 Ari Shafir and Mark Norman.

Speaker 114 We always love it. The Protect Our Parks boys are in town.

Speaker 9 Go see them on the road.

Speaker 91 We love them. We love them.

Speaker 81 And we love us.

Speaker 30 We love us.

Speaker 14 I love me.

Speaker 8 Come see me on the road.

Speaker 30 Yes, indeed.

Speaker 86 Believe it or not, everybody, you're not going to believe this, but this actually isn't me.

Speaker 30 It's Adam Ray, everyone.

Speaker 12 Kill Tony, Hall of Famer,

Speaker 14 guest of the year,

Speaker 7 multi,

Speaker 7 multi-character legend.

Speaker 14 And now, I must admit, this is indeed my new favorite character:

Speaker 7 Joe Biden, Dr.

Speaker 9 Phil,

Speaker 111 I mean, fucking

Speaker 28 Jeremy,

Speaker 30 Elaine,

Speaker 9 Adam Ray,

Speaker 111 and all the greats.

Speaker 14 And now Tony Hinchcliffe has joined the fray.

Speaker 12 Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.

Speaker 7 I must say,

Speaker 14 while we've always had a guest of the year,

Speaker 114 I'd like to announce that this year we will have the first ever Host of the Year award here on this show.

Speaker 37 And there are only two nominees, and they're both me, everybody.

Speaker 80 It's me and me.

Speaker 17 Red band.

Speaker 7 Love you guys.

Speaker 30 We love you.

Speaker 14 We did it again.

Speaker 7 You guys were here for another episode of what used to be the number one live podcast in the world. It is now the number one comedy show in the world.
This is Till Tony.

Speaker 131 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 131 Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 8 Then we talk about Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. One more time for Red Band.

Speaker 8 Kill Tony merch. What's the website again, Red Band?

Speaker 8 KillTonyMerch.com for all your Kill Tony merch.

Speaker 8 Kill merch, fuck, fuck, Red Band.

Speaker 8 Of course, follow the Kill Tony band all through Austin. They're playing throughout the week.
One more time for the best goddamn band in the fucking land.

Speaker 8 And now we've done all our

Speaker 8 don't leak anything, that's right.

Speaker 8 Everything you see tonight has never been done before.

Speaker 8 Don't leak anything, don't say who was on the show, don't say why my vest looks bigger, don't say anything about the show. Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what?

Speaker 132 The clock is ticking to get the most of of your summer behind the wheel of the upscale all-electric Jeep Wagoneer S and innovative Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid.

Speaker 132 And right now, get 0% financing for 72 months on the 2025 Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid and the 2025 Jeep Wagoneer S. Plus you may qualify for up to a 7,500 federal tax credit.

Speaker 132 See your California Jeep brand dealer and California Chrysler dealer today. Finance offer not compatible with any other offer.

Speaker 132 0% APR financing for 72 months equals $13.89 per month per 1,000 financed for well-qualified buyers through Stellantis Financial, regardless of down payment. Not all customers will qualify.

Speaker 132 Contact dealer for details. The federal tax credit is offered by a third party and is subject to change without notice.
Please confirm this information to ensure its accuracy and availability.

Speaker 132 Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements. Income and other restrictions may apply.

Speaker 132 Purchases are not eligible if the customer exceeds adjusted gross income limitations: $300,000 for married filing jointly taxpayers, $225,000 for head of household filers, and $150,000 for single-filers.

Speaker 132 Offers end September 30th. Chrysler and Cheap are registered trademarks.

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Speaker 85 Each Certipro Painters business is independently owned and operated. Contractor license and registration information is available at Certapro.com.

#726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

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Transcript

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