#725 - MATT RIFE + TONY CARUSO (ADAM RAY)

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Oh, Slade,

can

you see

by the dawn's early light

what so proudly we have

at the twilight's last baby,

whose broad stripes and bright stars

threw the perilous fight

over the ramparts we watched

were so gallantly streaming

at North its red glare,

the bombs burn

sting in air

gave proof

through the night

that our flag

was

still there.

Oh, say,

does

that star

spangle band

wave

o'er the land

of the free

and the hope

of the

brave?

That disposed.

I love you guys.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Bridgestone Arena here in

Nashville, Tennessee.

For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony.

It's live.

Who's Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

We are live in Nashville, Tennessee.

Make some goddamn noise for Brian Redband.

and how about one more time for the undeniable Winona Judd

keep it going for the best damn man in the land

Fernando Castillo Raul Vallejo Carlos Sosa big Mike Michael Gonzalez

on the drums

Matt Muelling on the electric guitar

John Dees on the keys.

And that is indeed D-Madness live in the flesh at Brookstone Arena.

Woo!

Saturday's a little bit louder than Friday.

I like this fucking chat.

That's what the fuck I am talking about.

We are in some energy tonight.

Nashville, Tennessee, we're out here dodging tornadoes.

I don't think there's anything that could fucking stop us in the world.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Let's do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to introduce two guests.

First guest that I'm going to introduce is, believe it or not, one of the newer guests in the history of the show.

This

former comedian, he retired.

He was doing it for a couple decades, and

he retired, and now he's trying to come back and make a name for himself.

And so far, as a guest on the show, he's done a pretty good job.

This is the arena debut

and the return of one of our new favorite guests, Make Some Noise for Tony Caruso.

Oh,

wait a second.

That seems like they really like this guy.

He's got a lot of energy tonight.

Tony Caruso is back.

Oh my god.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, my God.

He is 82 years old and moves a lot.

Oh,

he's dying, folks.

Oh, yeah.

Come on over here, Tony.

Moves a lot like Dr.

Phil.

He's a wild boy.

Nashville, we tried to get fucked up tonight or what?

We're trying to get fucked up.

Who's trying to get fucked up tonight?

I got a question for you.

Who's got two thumbs and and may or may not have a hooker in his room with the Marriott right now?

This guy!

Tony is here.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh my goodness.

Can you believe those knees, those 82-year-old knees?

Feel good.

It's all on.

All right, save it, save it.

Ladies and gentlemen, your other guest, another,

literally, truly, one of the best comedians in the world.

I love this guy.

You guys are in the eye of the storm tonight as I bring up literally a second time guest, one of my favorite guests in the history of the show, one of my favorite comedians and one of the world's favorite comedians.

Make some goddamn noise for the one and only Matt Wright.

Oh, yeah, baby.

We are doing this shit tonight.

We are living the Kill Tony life with Tony Caruso and Matt Wright on a Saturday night in Nashville, Tennessee.

Let's fucking go.

What's up, Nashville?

We are starting the show differently than normal tonight because I like to try different things and fucking experiment, as you know, from my sex life.

So we are going to start tonight's show with a bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

We're taking a chance here.

Normally I like to start it with something steady.

I have this show designed to kind of fucking blow up as it goes.

So, does that sound exciting at all?

How many of you think the best bucket pull of the night's gonna be from Nashville?

How many of you think it's gonna be from Atlanta?

Ooh.

Ooh, la la.

Felt racist.

I love it.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on the show oh my god you guys are ruthless absolutely ruthless let me remind you all how it works if i pull their name out of the bucket they get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear

Which interrupts them.

I conduct an interview with them.

We meet them all at the same time.

I can almost guarant fucking to you that this is every Bucket Pool's first time performing in an arena.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Bucket Pool, number one.

That is indeed from Austin, Texas, the one and only Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Jesus.

Fucking Christ Almighty.

I believe in God and I think it exists within those ass cheeks.

Who loves America, huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night representing getting the episode started.

Make some noise.

We're gonna meet them all together.

Cassandra Ramos is first,

and here

we go.

It has begun.

Sorry, I'm nervous.

So I was talking to my cousin last week and I was asking him, you know, do you have any advice coming from a man's perspective how I can keep things a little spicy in the bedroom?

And he said, you know, I like white bitches.

We got that in common.

I was like, okay.

So he said, what I like to do to keep it spicy is I like to introduce some racial slurs.

So he's like,

go ahead and call me, me,

you know.

And he comes in and she says, ooh, give me that inward dick.

So I was like, I'll try that.

I

offered it up to my husband and he said, great, let's do honky.

If you don't know what that means,

it's like back in the 1920s, a white man would drive through and honk his horn at the black prostitutes.

So he comes in the bedroom now.

Give me that nigger

exactly one minute from Cassandra Ramos

Hello Cassandra.

I'm so nervous.

It's my first time on stage.

Ever?

Ever.

Your first time on stage is going up first in an arena?

Holy shit.

That is amazing.

I figured you've been on stage before since you look like you'd play Cinderella in a new Disney reboot.

I was in a band called N-word Pussy in middle school.

I like that.

Love that.

I love it.

So this is your first time doing stand-up?

We own a food truck and a business in Columbia 45 minutes from here.

Uh-huh.

And it's like a mall.

Thank you.

It's like an indoor mall, and we put on like a local.

When you say we, you mean...

My husband and I, he helped coordinate

a comedy show.

Right.

So, but I mean, I.

And he's a white guy?

Yeah, he's white.

What kind of food truck is it?

Slothful waffle.

It's waffles.

Yeah.

Just straight up regular waffles.

Artesana waffles.

We've got slothy Cristos.

It's like, you know, Monte Cristo.

It's really good.

All handmade.

We make all our sauces ourselves.

Yeah.

What's it called?

I'm sorry.

What's it called?

Slothful Waffle.

He's wearing the shirt right now.

He signed up to.

Well,

okay.

Slothful Waffle.

I love it.

What made you want to do this tonight?

We like to roast each other and we watch your show every week.

So I was like, yeah, I'll sign up.

Wow.

I'm not going to get picked.

Well, there you go.

It happened.

Yeah, the first one.

How old are you?

I'm 28.

28.

How long have you been married for?

A year.

And where'd you meet him at?

Palm Springs, California.

Yeah, but what were you doing in Palm Springs?

We worked like the street farer.

He had the business out there, and I was working at a booth, and we met there.

He was doing the waffle thing?

And what booth were you working at?

I was working at a coffee booth.

A coffee booth?

Yeah.

Okay.

I could see that.

Coffee and waffles sounds like a good name for an interracial couple.

Yeah.

I love it.

What's some of the most racist shit that he'll say to you a bit?

Good question, Tim.

I don't really use the hard R.

I'm only half black, so it's, you know, me God, not er.

What's the other half?

Ecuadorian.

Ecuadorian.

I think that still counts.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, that's black in most states.

No.

Ever been to Temecula, California?

It's black.

Ecuadorian could be, it sounds like the first name of a black guy, right?

Alabama University.

Ecuadorian Jenkins.

Put the ball.

Touchdown.

Ecuadorian clink scale.

I love it.

What do you, what do your, are your parents still together?

Um, no, no.

I have a stepdad since I was 12.

They're together so.

My mom's Ecuadorian.

My mom's black.

Oh, the black one stayed.

Wow.

Do you ever talk to your Ecuadorian dad?

Do I talk to my

Ecuadorian dad?

Not really.

He's a loser.

What's your stepdad?

White.

Okay.

Hell yeah, so he's around, very supportive.

It's such a fucking trope.

All the white people on this stage don't have two white parents together that were part of our childhood, so it's all jokes.

Anyway.

Who do people say you look like if they stop you on the street?

Chili from TLC, I think.

Oh, okay.

i don't want no scrub scrub is yeah we know tlc

he was looking at me like he was confused a little bit well tony caruso didn't listen to a lot of i believe you when during tlc's reign no i was more who's the member of tlc that got murdered at the uh cheesecake lisa left eye lopez well no yeah wait no she died in a car accident

a plane crash yeah it doesn't fucking matter but is uh

no what but is uh you ever get like making no you're thinking of there's a white racist lady that's thinking of Aaliyah yelling plane crash repeatedly from the crowd.

You're getting left eye Lopez and Aaliyah confused, take it from me.

Hip-hop entrepreneur Tony Inchcleff.

In Nashville, I'm one of the most knowledgeable rap minds in the world.

Only in Nashville.

Anyway.

What kind of music do you listen to?

I listen to a lot of rock.

I like tool disturbed corn.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of having a white stepfather.

All the white stepfathers in the crowd are going crazy right now.

Yeah.

I'm going to tell you what.

I love your energy.

Jeff, something, you want to see?

Yeah, I was going to ask, do you guys ever fuck to cut my life into pieces?

All types of beasts.

Is that OJ Simpson song?

Cut my wife into pieces.

Too soon, man.

Too soon.

Is it?

No, it's too late.

Do you always dress like you've been fingered in a Spencer's?

Do you?

It works.

It's a good look.

It's a good look.

I got a lot of kids, so only when I go out.

Yeah.

You look stunning.

Thank you.

You look wonderful.

Don't murder me, husband.

Very rarely does a first-time performer get a big joke book, but I love your energy.

I love your charisma.

I love everything about you.

Great interview.

Fucking awesome.

Cassandra Ramos has started tonight's show with an adorable little bang.

first time ever.

All right, your next bucket pull is bucket pull number two.

Let's see what happens here.

Is I bring up the comedian known simply as BC.

BC.

Oh, there's the lovely Valve with indeed

bucket pull number two.

Y'all ever look at fat people

and start feeling bad for their shoes?

Nah, because I was wearing a fucked-up pair of new balances.

Leg kind of looks like you got a flat tire.

Foots hanging over the sole like a muffin top.

I call them bitches off-balances.

Now we all see them waddling around, looking like the Michelin man.

And look, I love fat people.

One of my best friends is fat.

But he pissed me the fuck off

the other day because he was wearing,

no, he wasn't wearing nothing.

He was fucking getting out of his car and he kicked a bottle of Hershey syrup

out of his car.

And I'm like, bro, are you making chocolate milk

in your car?

In this wet.

Oh!

Fuck.

God damn.

Fuck y'all, bro.

No.

I have the right to make fun of this.

All right.

Shut the fuck up.

BC, over here.

Got you, Tony.

Hello.

How are you?

Relax.

Take a step over there.

Get back on the KT over here.

No, Tony, Tony, it's okay.

Jesus.

We need a fucking seatbelt for Tony Caruso over here.

Hello, how are you?

I'm doing okay, Tony.

How you doing?

I love it.

Very good.

I think it's absolutely adorable.

You look like a Down syndrome Logan Paul.

This is incredible.

Look at you.

You look like both the pedophile and the undercover cop that's going to arrest him.

Are you Adam Ray right now, dude?

No.

Are you bombing in front of 20,000 people?

But somehow it looks like you do.

You look like you're wearing one of those wacky raccoon hats.

Get more over there.

I don't know why you keep coming up on us like that.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Very good.

Don't talk so much.

Only speak when spoken to.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Three years.

Three years.

Where at?

Atlanta.

LA Atlanta Atlanta yes okay all right

okay you guys don't like Atlanta all right we get it you could we got it guys fucking weird

weird you Nashville's one of the greatest cities in the world by the way let me tell you something take it from me

You guys are too great of a city to boo cities like Atlanta.

You shouldn't even be concerned with them.

I get it.

I would expect them to boo you, but I'm surprised that you boo them.

Better cities are supposed to just be cool with other cities.

You guys are good enough.

I'll give you the encouragement that your parents didn't.

You guys are good.

I don't think they are.

Oh, God.

You're disgusting.

It looks like your eyes are getting closer together as the interview goes on.

He's slowly turning into a Cyclops, ladies and gentlemen.

Look out at that red light in the camera.

Look, look, you see that camera?

So rude.

No, keep looking at the camera.

Stop looking at us.

I don't want you to look at us anymore.

His bangs are growing and his eyes are getting closer together.

This is absolutely a moment in Kill Tony history.

Stop looking at us.

I'm looking at you now.

Stop looking at us.

No.

Look out at the camera.

I'm going to end the interview then, you stupid s.

Look at the fucking camera.

there you go right there

if you look at us again I'm kicking you off the stage you're mean just keep yep welcome you signed up for it

if you know somebody with a weird neck tattoo and a tattoo on his knuckle and his eyes are too close together call the number below 1-800

It's Down syndrome Patrick Swayze.

Wow, okay.

Red Band throwing in the second Down syndrome joke onto the same human.

That's almost a record.

Not Red Band.

Yeah, nobody likes you.

I know, BC, let's talk about it.

Uh, what do you do for work?

I'm a set builder.

A what?

A set builder.

What kind of sets are you building?

Mainly commercials.

Like,

I've been working for Home Depot commercials the past like month and a half.

What's the most white trash thing about you, other than your smile?

I smoked crack, Tony.

That's true.

Do you really?

I used to.

Five years clean.

No, no.

Buzz kill, buzz kill,

buzz kill.

Crack is fun.

All right, well.

You're likable.

There's something likable about him.

I don't know what it is.

You are saying he is likable?

I wouldn't say I'd let him open for me by my hotel room, but he's, you know.

Well,

there's something about you that I don't, I want to, I don't know.

You seem like you got some secrets aside from what you're doing.

I did your brakes before.

What's that?

I did your brakes.

What do you mean you did?

Are you retarded?

What do you mean you did my brakes?

On your face.

You fixed my brakes.

Yeah.

I ride a bird scooter, motherfucker.

Quit lying to the crowd.

BP, before I let you go, anything interesting about your life other than the fact that you used to smoke crack?

I lived in Hawaii for a while.

Here you go.

Here's a little joke book.

Hey, I caught it.

We're gonna keep it moving.

BP, ladies and gentlemen.

There you go.

Tony.

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There we are right on queue bucket pull number three indeed.

We're doing something different here tonight.

You guys like bucket pulls?

But here's the third one right down the barrel.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Jonathan Rachels.

Jonathan Rachels.

You know, it's kind of hard to gain people's respect when you look like R.A.

Matty fucked MGK for his green card.

But I was outside and this old guy stared at me.

And I was thinking, this could go two ways.

He walks up to me, puts out his hand, and he says, man,

I thought you were one of them gays.

And so I grabbed his hand.

And I pulled him real, real close.

And I said,

I am one of them gays.

Everybody thinks code switching is cool

until you get around a group of gay people.

And then it's not so cool anymore.

And that's my time.

Thank you guys.

Fuck yeah, Jonathan Rachels.

Welcome to the show, Jonathan.

Hell yeah.

Tony.

I love it.

Fuck yeah.

I forgot everything they told me to do backstage, so my bad.

I don't even know what that means.

Okay, thank you.

You mean like stay in one spot for the interview?

What are they telling you?

I forgot I said that.

Right, but can you remember now?

Is there any recollection?

What are we telling people before they come on stage?

What do we tell them?

This is your show.

You're supposed to know that.

No, I'm not supposed to know that.

You're supposed to know that, you fucking hillbilly, fucking methed up fucking piece of shit.

I'm telling you, these goddamn bucket pools are coming up with a fucking fucking attitude tonight and you better kiss the fucking throat.

Bend the knee to your king.

Fucking pieces of goddamn shit.

You're supposed to know what the bucket bulls have to do.

You're supposed to be a bucket bull piece of fucking shit.

I'm gonna send you in BC to go do fucking shitty karaoke on Broadway tonight.

I sing a mean, I write Sins Not Tragedies.

All right, let's have some fun here.

What do you do for work?

What head shop do you sell skateboards at exactly?

Hot topic.

Do you really?

No.

For real?

No, I do HBAC.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

HVAC.

That makes sense.

Because you suck.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

How long have you been doing stand-ups?

This is my first time ever doing stand-up comedy.

Jesus Christ, two people debuting in an arena only on Kiltoni.

This show's crazy.

You look like the the lead singer of Coldplay, quit the band and got a job at Starbucks.

I like Dunkin' Donuts better.

Why do you look like that?

Because I do HVAC.

No, okay, but seriously.

Oh, God.

I'm a black sheep.

That's pretty much why.

A black sheep.

My whole family dresses like you, so.

Okay.

What the fuck does that mean?

At home right now.

Andrew!

Okay.

Okay.

Wait, gay for real?

No, absolutely not.

But I can be.

Don't say it definitive.

If you're asking, I can be.

I could do better.

Shuck is dick.

Shuck is dick.

Shuck is dick.

Shucks.

Here we go.

No, no, no, no.

Here we go.

Live from the Bridgestone Arena.

You know how many women I just made jealous right now?

You look like Paul Wall on Ozebic.

God damn.

Meet Davidson.

It is an interesting look.

I think what's standing out to me is it looks like you have hair growing over a tattoo.

Am I seeing that correctly up there?

You absolutely are.

Did you get a tattoo on like a bald head and then grow your hair in afterwards?

So my family has like a receiving hairline.

So before it happened to me, I was like, fuck that, and shaved my head and tattooed it.

And then what?

You went to Turkey and got the operation over the tattoo?

Dude, I wish I was born with a really small dick, so

I've been trying since I was.

That doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

There's not a dick enhancement operation, or else Red Band would be in the hospital right now.

Oh my god.

Wait, which one of your tattoos is like the coolest tattoo of the money?

Okay, I love that you asked that.

So my ex got the same tattoo of me, and so instead of covering it up, I have do not get matching tattoos with dumb bitches with dick arrows into it.

So

wow.

Not bad.

That's pretty good.

I also have a knee slapper who says, you crack me up.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

You don't have to tell that one out loud.

But yeah.

The first one's pretty cool.

What do you do for fun, Jonathan?

When you're not doing whatever it is that you do.

H-back.

you don't, this is your first time doing stand-up, you must have some hobbies.

No, man, actually, uh...

You mean to tell me your entire personality is guy with tattoos?

Dude,

I'm like the most famous person at my local Circle K.

I just want you to know that.

Okay.

It's a big deal.

Yeah, he's let people fuck his ear gauge for a dollar in the parking lot.

Kit cats are expensive.

What's your favorite thing to get at Circle K?

Don't think, just answer.

You're at Circle K now.

What are you buying?

Go!

To buy at Circle K.

I'm sorry.

Water.

Okay, good question, Tony Caruso.

We love it when Tony Caruso.

Fuck it off.

Why don't you ask four follow-up questions to the Circle K thing?

All right.

Okay, Jonathan.

Well,

okay, well, go drink some water, buddy.

There's a little joke book.

Oh,

wow.

Mr.

Cool guy with the tattoos with the ear gauges you're from nashville

jesus you're from nashville

from augusta georgia there he goes you gonna there you go boo agusta everybody there you go from booa city

i still stand by my circle k question

Okay,

thank you.

Thank you, Tony.

We got a replay of him trying to look cool, catching the joke book, and not

okay.

Well, let's move on to a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Your first of the night, ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been going through a lot lately,

and he is here for you.

His first time in an arena in Nashville, Tennessee.

One of the legendary golden ticket winners of the show.

It's been a while.

This is a new minute from Aaron Malisle.

I've been in hospitals all week with no insurance because I'm going blind in my left eye.

And they're like, it's not pink eye.

It's not glaucoma.

Did you get acid in your eye?

Do I look like someone who is allowed to work with fucking acid?

No, you idiot.

I ate a Tide Pod.

Bruh, God just doesn't like me.

He saw me minding my own business and thought, fuck, I missed a spot on the left side.

I've been trying to figure out American healthcare, and I don't get it.

You can get pet insurance for like $80 a month, and it covers 90%.

You save like $6,000 a year to be a fucking chihuahua.

You know what?

Maybe those teenagers with litter boxes in school are fucking genius.

People already talk to me loud and cute.

They pat my head.

I'm gonna get pet insurance and identify as a fucking dog.

Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Bowie.

So if you see my girlfriend walking me around on a leash, it isn't a kink.

I just didn't like my HMO.

Fuck yeah.

The one-eyed king, Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen, rocking a new eye patch just when shit couldn't get any more fucked up.

This is absolutely incredible.

This is like if fucking someone took Dale Earnhardt's car and that he wrecked and then knocked a headlight out for no reason after the fact.

This is just incredible.

The already broken,

the brand, the king of the show

comes up.

Unable to speak.

Yeah, I was already fucked up enough.

Yeah.

God already took all the consonants from you and then he took an I.

It's like a bad, bad wheel of fortune episode.

Tony, yeah.

I've been to five American doctors in a week, and I have no health insurance, and I quit my job, but I'm able to pay for all the doctors in cash, just with the money I make as a comedian.

I appreciate the shit out of all of this.

You could just push me downhill and shot something,

but instead, you allow me to get rich by making fun of you.

And I love getting rich, making fun of you.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Well, you know what it is.

It's an eye for an eye eye around here, Keltoni.

And uh.

Thank you.

Now, when do I get my new Corvette daddy?

Yeah, right.

Keep dreaming, Captain Hook.

I mean,

I don't know.

I think Halloween is right around the corner for you.

You son of a bitch.

Oh, god damn it.

Who is that?

How dare you?

Oh, God, he's typing so fast.

Oh, he's making some kind of crazy noise.

He's got something up his sleeve.

I'm a pirate.

He's a bun pirate.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Sit down, Tony.

Sit down.

Oh, God, they're all on their feet.

Oh, my God.

How dare you call me a you son of a bitch?

Okay, what do you got something for red band?

What are you pointing at?

People keep telling me I look like Matt Reif.

And I get offended for you.

Can you believe these motherfuckers?

I look like you if your mom used a coat hanger.

Yeah.

Oh my.

Oh my god.

Wow.

The Caruso jacket of protection.

He's a fucking good looking guy.

I'm modern.

You got boy band looks.

You look like Liam Payne now.

Let me take that jacket.

It's gonna fall off for sure.

I am too young to get that joke.

Hell yeah.

Well, Aaron, I mean...

It's so funny, man.

What else is going on in life?

Everything else good?

You doing good other than the whole fucking eye and arm and walk and voice and Canadian thing?

This is just a Canadian, by the way.

There's no real ailment.

It's actually Adam Ray.

This is your worst character, Adam.

Hey, hurry up.

I got to take a shit.

Oh, fuck.

I don't like the energy.

All right.

He made that weird laugh that scares kids.

It's going to be good.

You look like you fuck sheep.

Jesus Christ.

No, I think he's talking to you, Tony.

Who is that for?

Yeah, that's for you.

Oh.

Sounds like somebody's jealous they can't get into the petting zoo on weekends.

I think he gets in for free.

If Aaron could fuck a sheep, he probably would.

But the sheep's like, what the fuck is this thing coming at me?

I'm gonna get out of here.

Come on.

It's a one-eyed monster.

Oh, okay.

It took you that long to type that?

Oh, son of a bitch.

I got you, man.

Oh, my God.

If Matt Reif loses an eye next week.

Whoa.

Okay.

Stop it, though, motherfucker.

He took away Spider-Man Spider.

Oh, that is cold-blooded.

I love it.

Aaron Belial, your fucking energy and your positive attitude is a goddamn headwind to on the this trend in this universe.

Make some goddamn noise for Aaron Belial, everybody.

There you go.

The lovely Heidi everyone for those of you trying to get your pussies wet and your dicks out of your stomach after watching five minutes of Aaron Belial.

There's Heidi as a little refresher of what an American looks like.

Not a one-eyed Canadian savage.

Back to the bucket.

We go.

We having fucking fun tonight.

Here we go.

Another innocent soul signed up for the opportunity.

This is a minute uninterrupted by Jeremiah Maltese.

Jeremiah Maltese.

Or Maltese perhaps

Jeremiah Maltese

Jeremiah Maltese one more time for Jeremiah Maltese

thank you it's 2025 and there seems to still be a lot of gender confusion but I think I'm actually racially confused

yeah yeah I've been with I've been with one black woman in my life

and

I don't know.

I mean, I've been with a few havesies, but all the black friends in my life, you know, they tell me that it doesn't count.

Apparently, there's a threshold of blackness.

You know, there's like Taylor Swift, Beyonce,

and Whoopi Goldberg.

And I mean, I guess I just didn't hit the mark.

I don't know.

But what's funny, the funny thing is,

the nigga bar Seems to be a lot lower than the actual black bar.

So like

people my whole life have told me that I'm not black.

But I say nigga all the time and nobody gives a fuck.

Look at Puerto Ricans.

Fat Joe.

Fat Joe says nigga in just about every one of his songs.

Nobody gives a fuck.

All right, Jeremiah Maltez, welcome to the show.

How are you?

I'm doing pretty good.

I'm doing pretty good.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my first time.

Oh my God, your first time doing stand-up.

What made you want to start here today it's well it's very funny

well is you should have done that part during your minute then

Donald Trump gave me a seven-month vacation and I get fired at the end of it

okay what did you do for work I worked for the government yeah what did you do for the government I did like systems maintenance Okay, yeah, yeah.

How were you working from okay, shut up?

Jesus Christ.

Were you working from home?

I was working from home.

You were getting away with murder.

I guess so.

On the taxpayer's dollar.

I was doing it.

And we are finding out right here live

in real time that the reigning defending president of the United States got you to stop stealing money from us.

Thank you, Joe.

You're welcome, Mr.

President.

I voted for Trump.

Well,

thank God you did.

Here's a little joke book.

We're gonna keep it moving along here.

A lot of first-timers here tonight.

We're gonna keep it moving.

Make some noise for your fifth bucket pull, Stefan Ramirez.

We're just gonna fly through this one.

Stefan Ramirez.

Yeah, bucket pull number five.

Okay.

When I was a boy, I thought Metallica was a Christian rock band because they have that Enter Sandman song with the prayer.

I thought to myself, maybe my uncle still has a chance of getting into heaven.

Sure, he beats his wife and sells drugs to kids,

but at least he sings the prayer.

I called in and checked in on him recently.

Murder, suicide.

Wasn't really the fairy tale ending I was hoping for.

I don't hang around gay dudes.

Not that I don't like them.

I do.

I just don't want to buckle under queer pressure and do something I don't want to do.

I don't want to go buy hair gel.

I don't want to sip coffee out of a mug with a sassy phrase on it.

Being gay sounds expensive.

I don't got money.

But if a gay dude offers me some Lululemon shorts,

I'll suck that dick to China.

Okay, the crowd liked it.

They're very interesting selections here tonight.

Stephan Ramirez, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Under a year.

Under a year.

Where at?

Here in Nashville.

Okay, this is where you're born and raised?

No, I'm from Canada originally.

Where in Canada?

Ooh,

where?

Alberta, Calgary.

Okay, very good.

The home of Brett, the hitman, heart.

Tony Caruso.

It's interesting that you're from such a progressive place like Canada because you look like the guy who gave the money to the kid who shut up the school to buy the gun.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, Tony, a lot of math there.

You look like the guy that gave the money to the guy that went to the gun store and then purchased the...

Look, this Red Bull is laced with fentanyl.

PC did it.

Alright, step into Ramirez.

What do you do for work exactly?

You look like you inhale some type of toxic fumes at a job, am I right?

Every now and then, yes, I mean construction.

Yeah, what exactly do you do in construction?

Specifically, renovations, new builds.

Yeah.

Okay.

And what made you want to start stand-up comedy?

I've always been a fan since 2018 from your show and

podcasts.

In the past year, how often do you go to like open mics and stuff to practice and perform?

I try to do as many as I can, yeah.

Zany's just actually has a new open mic.

They opened a new room here in Nashville.

The lab is now connected to Zaney's, one of the great comedy clubs in the world, which is here in Nashville, Tennessee.

So I get out as much as I can, yeah.

Nice.

How often is that?

I try to get once a week.

Okay.

At least.

All right.

What's your love life like?

Married, three children.

Wow.

Look at that.

How old are your kids?

We got eight, five, and three.

All right.

All boys, all girls.

What's the first two boys, and then it's a girl.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Very interesting, Stefan.

What's a fun fact about your life that we'd be interested to know about you?

I once upon a time had a part-time job as a cremator.

Ooh.

Go on.

Yeah.

Redband thinks that's the guy that puts cream on cakes.

Very excited.

I can see a full erection here.

How was that?

Did you enjoy that?

It was weird.

It was just a job to

fill some time and earn some extra money.

No experience needed.

You ever grab a tip before you burn them?

Sorry.

Good question.

Do you ever grab a tip of a dead female corpse

before you burn them?

No.

Would you tell us if you did?

Yes.

No, you wouldn't.

No.

Is it illegal or you just chose not to be fun?

You gotta find out how certain people die every now and then.

How?

It's like written on their like certificate.

Okay, what's a weird one that you saw?

We had this one lady, she was probably

25 years old and she put her head in a circular saw, chop saw and just

Yeah, so you let me ask you this when you're doing that job Is it kind of just like a wooden box?

Yeah, sometimes they're like beautiful caskets, sometimes they're cardboard boxes.

Uh-huh.

And yeah.

Do you ever take one of the cardboard boxes and just like do something fun?

Do you ever peek in it?

Well, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You ever use the ashes for a shuffleboard?

No.

You do sometimes find things in the furnace after people are cremated because they want to be buried with their dolls and stuff.

So there's there's like porcelain dolls sometimes in the

ashes That's scary you open it you think there's a little baby in there.

Yeah, you ever find something like a fidget spinner or a butt plug or something like a Beyblade, yeah, yeah, yeah

Is there ever things left behind that were like in their body like a bullet or a fucking

like certain

dentures and whatnot.

Oh, that's creepy too.

Yeah, it's it's funny because both a set of teeth and a porcelain doll would be two of the most frightening things though, but I'd be like, oh god.

i've seen both those yeah yikes yeah incredible well that's interesting indeed i i like you in the interview set was definitely uh you know something here's a medium joke book thank you good job stefan ramirez

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Rules and restrictions apply.

You know, we have knocked out five bucket bulls and a golden ticket winner already.

And now is a time in which something very special will happen.

Because ladies and gentlemen your next comedian is from Nashville Tennessee

she's an absolute icon of Kiltony an absolute shining star this is a brand new minute from the one and only the great and powerful Fiona Cauley

Oh my God.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

So, uh, did y'all know

there is a hierarchy

within within

the disabled community.

No?

It's true.

Like

the harder it is for you to go to the bathroom by yourself

the more street grid you have.

The crypts or whatever.

Like if I

see some bitch,

okay,

in a rented scooter,

she's holding the door for me.

Like Tony said, I am from here.

And

being in the south, though, y'all say this to me all the fucking time.

Um, hey, you know, God gives his toughest battles

to his strongest warriors.

You heard this?

Yeah.

Well, from where I'm sitting,

you all are looking like a bunch of pussies to me.

Fiona Colli, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

I mean, an unbelievable set yet again.

Absolutely incredible in front of your own home field advantage here at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville, Tennessee.

Incredible.

You've done it again.

How do do you feel?

Uh, disabled.

Uh.

That's perfect.

Perfect answer.

You're right in the sweet spot of the show.

I gave you a good spot,

much like your parking situation.

Yeah.

That's how I dropped my fiancé, honestly.

Just ding of that parking decal in front of them.

Hell yeah.

Manner sluts.

Spot digger.

That's what we call that.

An old spot digger.

Instead of a gold digger.

Yeah.

Just digging for a spot.

One of those front row hoes, you know what I mean?

Hell yeah, mother rug.

Stay true to the blue or something.

One of those next-to-the-door whores.

One of those.

Alright.

I liked it.

You were in a roll with me.

Ocean.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Batch.

Batch.

Your cross-high.

I love it.

So, what else is going on in life, Fiona?

Ah, it's so fucking good right now.

Which I feel like when stuff is good, you kind of think about the bad.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

Absolutely.

There's something I haven't told you about that I thought would be fun.

Yeah.

You can walk?

That would be the greatest twist ever.

You got up and started the next episode.

If she started dancing and running off the stage, like Tony Caruso, it was like.

M night shameline over here.

I love it.

I know

we recently talked about the engagement and stuff.

Not always good, okay.

I used to date this guy

and he had a thing

where he would piss in mason jars.

Hold on.

And keep them like lined around his fucking bedroom.

Okay?

I didn't like realize what it's because he didn't want to walk down the stairs to use the bathroom.

And I fucking

butt-scooted down the stairs.

I'm a lady.

But one time I was unaware these were full of piss.

And I

was gonna fuck him.

And as one does.

And I fell on on the bed in a cold jar.

A cold jar of piss

fell on your head.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Were you a redhead before that?

No.

It could have some type of like

lemon juice effect, perhaps.

I love that.

Can you send me a link to that?

A link.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That sucks.

Wait, so how many...

let me stop you there go ahead right

how was the moonshine

did it have a tank to the hey it it tasted better than it smelled

oh god

i'm kidding

no you're not

now there might be something to this your condition again what's it called

Free drinks of taxia.

Have they researched piss being poured on the head of people that have gotten this before?

It's where it all started.

Oh my god.

That's like a four-leaf clover to my people.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

I'm fine, Tony.

Red Band also has mason jars of piss.

Yeah, you look like a mason jar guy.

Yeah.

That's not a compliment, Red Band.

Oh.

Hell yeah.

Do your wheelchairs come in different flavors?

Great question, Tony.

Like orange?

Like, do you get another, like, do you get to pick the color, or was this just what they gave you?

No, it's one color.

It's kind of a bold choice to be the only one.

I love it.

I don't know what to do for the wedding.

Yeah, the wedding.

This wedding, I'm just telling you right now, I can just picture so many amazing things happening.

I am using our account on DraftKings,

using the promo code KILL TONY, just to let you know.

And I am betting on the fact that whoever is closest to the back of the wheelchair will be the one that catches the bouquet at the wedding.

I see it going perhaps as short as three to four feet.

It's going to be one of the

tosses a drop.

Yeah,

I'm pretty sure the back wheel of your chair is going to be catching that bouquet at the wedding.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah, Fiona, you are an absolute killer.

You are charismatic.

You are beautiful.

You're cool as fuck.

Everybody loves you.

You started a new podcast, you told me, with your fiancé, Matt Taylor.

Congratulations.

That's great.

Rampin' Up.

Rampin' Up is the name of the podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

She's with a guy named Matt Taylor.

Yeah.

A good one.

There's a bad one I heard.

I don't, we don't know.

No, we don't know.

What are we talking about?

Some guy named Matt Taylor right now?

I don't know.

Has it ever been brought up in an arena on the biggest comedy show in the world?

Yeah, good point.

Okay, very good.

Absolutely amazing, Fiona.

We love you.

You have done it yet again.

How about one more time for Fiona Collie?

An absolute crusher.

Killing it.

Fiona Collie, ladies and gentlemen.

She was with a guy that peed in mason jars.

A fun fact, he now pees in toilets, and she pees in mason jars.

Oh, how life hits you fast sometimes.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going back to the bucket.

How do we like that idea?

Good?

60 seconds uninterrupted for bucket hole number six goes by the name of Dustin Callahan.

Dustin Callahan Callahan is next on Kill Tony.

What's up, Nashville?

I grew up in the projects as one of five white kids.

I went to an all-black school.

What they don't tell you when you go to an all-black school is when you get that yearbook, it's the worst.

Where's Waldo ever?

They're like, right there.

So I didn't look like anybody growing up.

So a girl in high school one time told me I looked like Kevin Bacon from Foot Loose.

I got real excited.

I rushed home.

I asked Jeeves, who's Kevin Bacon?

Because I'm older than Google.

And when I saw his goofy ass face, I've never wanted to fight a bitch so hard in my life.

So a couple weeks ago, I did one of those 23-and-me DNA tests.

Turns out I'm transgender.

I was born male, but I grew these tits when I got fat.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm Irish and Native American, so we got a lot of DUIs in my family.

Thank you.

That's my time.

Wow.

Dustin Callahan making his Kill Tony debut.

Welcome to the show, Dustin.

Yeah.

How do you look like all three pawn stars at once?

Well, it takes a lot of effort, Tony.

It is absolutely incredible what I'm seeing and feeling from you.

You look like you run some kind of fucking hot dog eating competition or something like that.

Or are a participant or something.

What do you do for a living with a look like this?

I'm a civil engineer.

A civil engineer?

Well, that's an odd job.

Okey-dokie.

That's an old bond reference from 30 years ago that I shouldn't have said.

Okay.

What exactly do you do as a civil engineer?

So I oversee a construction site and I'm the middleman between the contractor and the engineers that design it.

Wow.

Better to be a middleman there than on an airplane, am I right?

You don't want to be stuck next to this fucking guy.

What's your favorite airline to fly?

Southwest.

Anyway.

No, go ahead.

What do you do for fun?

Uh, watch a lot of comedy.

Yeah, when you're not watching comedy, what do you like to do?

I like to go out and go on hikes and stuff, believe it or not.

Matt Reif, what do you think about his hiking lie?

Is this something

he just puts on a dating site bio?

I think you look like Kirby swallowed Kevin James.

Pretty good.

You have such a good energy about you, dude.

Thank you.

I can tell you're a very nice person.

Yeah.

I am a nice person.

Stop it.

Where's your favorite place to hike?

What do you like?

I like Radner Lake.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

It's near here.

It's a local spot.

There must be a lot of ice cream shops around that lake.

Not anymore.

COVID took them out.

Wow.

I'm surprised COVID didn't take you out.

A very interesting shape to you.

Your legs are shorter than your torso.

Yeah.

From waist to neck, you are bigger than your legs.

much bigger.

It is incredible.

It's like Hank Hill off a King of the Hill.

Yeah, it is an anomaly.

Yeah, you look like a guy that puts syrup on ketchup.

Yep.

Yeah.

But you're you're very likable.

Thank you.

Tony Caruso pointing out people's likability.

Yeah, I'm a big, that's the first thing I look for in a comedian, it's a likability factor.

Even though you dress like you play trombone in the mighty mighty boss tones.

which is a compliment that's a tough gig to get yeah

looks like he plays in the mighty mighty kidney stones

do you have any hobbies other than comedy and watching comedy and going on fake hikes

uh

really there's nothing you look forward to once a year the county fair or something I like going to the Marine Corps birthday ball when it comes up.

Okay.

Well, you are shaped like a birthday ball.

What exactly is the Marine Corps birthday ball?

Can explain it for the people that are.

I'm the Marine Veterans and Active Duty.

Are you a Marine veteran?

I am.

Well, there you go.

That would have been something to say early on.

Look at that.

Oh, shit.

Put the hat back on.

What a surprise.

What did you do in the Marines?

I was a water engineer.

A water engineer.

Yeah.

Well, who better than a fucking weather balloon for that job?

My goodness gracious.

Wait, you said somebody, who said you look like Kevin Bacon?

Some girl in high school.

You sure she wasn't referring to Bernie Bacon, the guy who set the record for eating the most bacon in one day?

The real guy?

Yeah.

Google it.

I don't know who that is.

We'll cut this out.

What is your...

What is your...

What's the last time you did stand-up before tonight?

Last Thursday.

How'd that go?

It went good.

Well, stand-up is hard, and for him, standing standing up is hard.

You can tell he's a Marine, because every time he tries to stand up, he goes, ooh!

He's got short legs and a big body.

You're carrying around a lot of weight.

How are your knees?

Well, the right one's shot.

Right.

Yeah.

See, I knew that.

So I'll stand on this leg a lot.

Yep.

Yep.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

Have you ever always worn those kind of hats or is that your thing?

Like, I do declare hats?

Last night I didn't wear a a hat, but tonight they were like, Put the hat on.

I was like, Okay, who's great story?

Who's they?

The comedians in the comedian section.

The comedians talked you into putting the hat on.

Yes.

Let's see it without it.

Can I see it without it?

Yeah.

All right, never mind.

Never mind.

Okay.

It is, you kind of have a tiny head, too.

You are misshapen.

It is incredible.

Short legs, big body, long arms, tiny head.

All right.

I I love it.

What do you guys think?

Big joke book?

How many of you think a little joke bug?

How many of you think a big joke bug?

Dustin Callahan.

Thank you, Nashville.

There he goes.

All right, on to another very, very, very, very, very special treat.

See, because we went through so many bucket pulls early in the show, now you get special treats more often.

Isn't that exciting?

I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

A once-in-a-generation talent, an absolute juggernaut, a superstar, found, discovered, and molded here in the Kill Tony universe.

This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson.

This today

Today's a pretty good day, man, but

it's been pretty weird for me, dog.

I got a homegirl that's in the hospital right now because her boyfriend had beat her.

And she got like a black eye and

she got some broken ribs and a fucked up leg.

And she was telling me how she felt like the whole world around her was like coming down and she know how to feel.

And I just asked her, I said, well, what did we learn?

And then she went, don't fuck your boyfriend's favorite comedian.

He hit that bitch with a bag of rocks.

Nigga, that's crazy, dog.

That's all I got.

I'm getting out of here now.

Perfect.

50 plus seconds from Cam Patterson.

That was it, dog.

Sounds like a true story to me.

Now, that really happened.

Look at this sweet, sweet cowboy.

Looking like...

Look at him.

Look at the boots, nigga.

Bro, sweatpants with boots is the most ratchet shit I've ever seen.

But it's hard, though, nigga.

This is why Beyonce didn't win.

Look at the boots.

Howdy, white, bitch.

You're like Crooks from Blazing Saddles.

Was that the gay movie?

That's not the gay movie.

As long as it wasn't the gay movie, I'm happy.

I'm good, dog.

It's good.

You look like Crooks and Dunn.

What?

Lil Noss X-Con.

No, no.

Okay, that's better.

X-Conway Twiny.

Come on.

Johnny, who stole my cash?

Dolly Pardoning the black guy.

Darius Rucker.

these people, dog.

That's a regular guy.

That's a real guy.

That's a regular guy.

It's a real black guy.

It's a real black guy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Darius Rucker.

I'm sorry, nigga.

I apologize.

Yeah, right down the middle there.

That's your Darius Rucker apology camp.

I apologize, my nigga.

Real shit.

I'm so sorry.

Keith from the urban neighborhood.

I like my boots, nigga.

My boots is clean.

I got taller.

I'm taller in these boots.

And you got the horsies in the back.

I like that one.

I like that one.

That was good.

Hell yeah.

That was my favorite one.

You look like broke black mountain.

No.

That was good.

You know what's crazy?

I'm never dressing up on this show ever again, bro.

I'm out here dressed up to the nines in my finest boots.

I'm getting caught a bunch of gay slurs and shit.

No, I fucked up.

Lil Nas ex-fucked up black cowboys for us, man.

Toby Keith, your son away from my daughter.

Fuck y'all, actually.

Winona thug.

Oh, this is fun.

Keep going.

I like this.

This is fun.

Unfaithful Hill.

I'm never wearing a cowboy hat again, dog.

Scary Underwood.

Dolly pardoned.

That was good.

That

That's fucking great.

I spent two months on this shit

to be called all these mean names.

Willie rape my daughter Nelson.

Wait a minute.

That one even got.

No.

No.

No.

Garth, what's your credit like, Brooks?

Okay, that's better.

They got better.

They got better.

We back.

We back.

We back.

We back.

Kenny Rogers chicken.

Nah.

They didn't like that one.

Thank y'all for having some fucking integrity, bitch.

God damn.

About time, nigga.

It took 12 of them, you pieces of shit.

The Hennessy of Tennessee?

That was good.

That was good.

I like that one.

Call me that.

Yeah.

Damn.

The Hennessy of Tennessee, fuck, nigga.

That's good.

I like that one.

That's good.

That's better.

That's better.

I like that one.

That's good.

Alan Blackson.

Okay.

You losing it

grab mouth that's not even for red band red band save it for the comedians hit a sound effect red band jesus christ are y'all booing red man that's crazy

it's fun when you get to hear what they think of each of your jokes hey that was evil nigga

that's good man i love it This is great.

You love Nashville?

Oh, Nashville is dope, man.

I like Nashville a lot, bro.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

yeah.

Nashville is great, man.

Hell yeah.

Bachelorette party, I said this last night.

Bachelorette party shit all died.

But besides that, I have a great city.

Nice city.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

I love it.

I like it.

Dustin Lynched.

Okay.

That's a.

Jim Crow.

I was just saying shit that happened, nigga.

George Straight Foreman.

Okay.

I'm never wearing a cowboy hat again.

Matt Muelling?

Y'all missed Crip Stapleton.

What?

Hey, you know what?

I want to throw this hat into the crowd, but it was $400.

Marcus Luther King.

Pink Floyd Mayweather.

It's not really country.

I don't know a lot of these people y'all naming.

That's what's fucking me up.

I know.

I know.

I'm looking up the hundred greatest country artists.

What about what about do something with Morgan Waller?

I like Morgan Waller.

Nigga, do something with Morgan Waller.

Morgan Ballin.

I like that.

Oh, they don't like Morgan Walland.

Very interesting.

What nigga y'all do like?

None.

Wait.

They love me.

That's right.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Wait, I got one.

I can't believe we haven't even thought of it.

Kid Rock.

Nope.

Oh.

I should have left on the hat throw, nigga.

That was.

Hell yeah.

We'll cut it.

We'll cut it out.

They cut that in post.

We got to cut that in post.

Was it really a $400 hat uniform?

It got rock star on it, too.

It's fine.

It's whatever.

Yeah, lady got it.

Thank you.

Hell yeah.

You find me.

I'll sign it for you, too, if you find me.

For sure.

Where is it?

Where is it?

What are the material of the boots?

This shit ostrich, nigga.

Oh, shit.

Shit, nigga.

Wait a second.

You know, I used to hunt ostrich.

What?

I used to hunt ostrich.

It's a fun animal to shoot, yeah.

Amazing.

He's wearing ostrich boots and fried chicken socks, ladies and gentlemen.

It's absolute.

Smashing crab mouth?

You guys didn't like that one?

You already, that was terrible, nigga.

Cam, you did it again.

Another new minute.

So much fun.

We fucking love you.

Thanks for crushing as always and giving us something fun to make jokes with.

He's turning country, folks.

One more time for Cam Patterson.

And now we go to bucket pool number seven.

Let's see what happens here with the comedy stylings

of

Robbie, ladies and gentlemen.

Robbie is next on Kill Tony.

Robbie.

Here's Robbie everybody.

One more time for Robbie.

One more time for Robbie everybody.

I don't understand why sometimes subjects are are okay to talk about and sometimes they're not.

Like the size of a woman's vagina.

I was at work the other night and Becky runs in and says, Tasha's in labor.

She's at six centimeters.

And a half hour later, she's like, she's at seven centimeters.

I'm like, man, she's talking about how large this woman's vagina is.

And nine months ago, when I was telling everybody how this soon-to-be single mother's vagina was so tight, I have to go see HR?

That doesn't make any sense.

She will be a singer mother because I will not have any more kids.

I've got three, they're disappointing enough.

I have an atheist lesbian daughter and a daughter that dates a Mexican.

And I don't know what's worse.

The one that's going to, the godless dyke that's not going to go to heaven with me, or the one that's coming

Catholic.

I also have a son,

and that's my minute.

Okay, Robbie.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About a minute.

So this is your first time as well.

A lot of first-timers here tonight.

Very interesting.

What made you choose tonight to start?

Because this was closer than Austin.

Okay.

I've been planning on doing a minute at Austin, and this was closer, so I pulled the trigger.

Did you think about trying at an open mic, perhaps, instead of an arena and in front of millions of viewers at home?

I considered it, but I also like the idea of saying, first time ever.

Sure.

You like the idea of saying that?

Is it something that you're going to continue to do now that you've done it?

It is.

I

am a lot cooler in front of a crowd than I thought I would be.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

I have two jobs.

I do custom cabinetry and I cook at a restaurant.

Okay.

All right.

He's a cook and he makes cabinets.

Very interesting.

Tell us a fun fact about your life that we'd be surprised to know about you.

You're here.

I'm not very interesting, I don't guess.

I used to be in a band.

Okay, what did you do in the band?

I played bass.

They only got successful after I left, so I guess I was probably the anchor.

That makes sense.

Yeah, they uh

Okay,

I'm not very good at this part of it, am I?

No.

When did you decide to cut your own hair?

Is it the scar?

Is that the...

It's a little piece up top that's got me curious.

It's the worst man bun I've ever seen.

I got rained on on the way in.

I don't know if you noticed tonight, but there was not good weather after the sign-ups.

Okay, we've been in here.

Okay, Robbie, here you go.

There's the little joke book.

We're going to keep it moving.

Thank you, Robbie.

Thank you.

We're gonna keep it moving.

I thought that was the lead singer of Smash Mouth for a minute.

Too soon?

Yes.

All right.

Like I said, we knocked out a bunch of bucket pulls.

Now, the place will go wild as I bring to the stage another one of the greatest regulars in the show's entire history.

This young man on such a patriotic night is as excited as possible to hopefully one day become the newest citizen of the United States of America.

A true, fully-fledged rock star that goes by the name of the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

I love Nashville.

There is one problem, though.

Last time I was in Nashville, I was at a house party talking to

bitches

And I was talking to this girl things were going great nothing creepy a little smooch,

you know,

I didn't touch the pussy, but I felt the heat, you know I'm saying

And then some dude at the party behind me pulls out a guitar

all guys all guys know this feeling you're talking to a girl at a party and then you hear that pring

you're like fuck there goes my pussy

fuck your guitar

play that shit at home

I know what you're trying to do.

I don't trust any guy who's good at something.

I know what you're doing, you fucking creep.

And I get it.

Listen, I get bitches love the guitar.

It's a romantic instrument.

If I had a guitar, I would pull it out right now.

You know, I'm Estonian.

We didn't grow up on the guitar.

Eastern Europeans, we grew up on the accordion.

You ever hear an accordion?

It literally sounds like communism.

If you put your ear close enough to an accordion, you can literally hear it go, there is never enough bread.

You don't get wet to an accordion.

You fucking kill yourself to one.

Thank you so much.

Ari Maddie.

His reputation for doing twice as much work as he has to continues with a new two-minute and five seconds debuted right here at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville, Tennessee.

I got to tell you, you keep dressing like that.

Citizenship is right around the corner.

Look at that.

A hero had an open mic.

Look at me now.

Matt Rice, shiny mascot.

One of the top grossing ticket-selling comedians of last year, shining your shoes.

Listen, Matt, I gotta tell you something.

I usually never know if a man is handsome.

You know, when a girl goes, he's handsome, I'm like, what the fuck you talking about?

Looks like Shrek.

But you, Matt, I gotta tell you,

whatever gender you want to be, I'm gonna fuck that gender, dude.

Dude, all I'm saying is your transition would be cheap.

You throw a wig on this motherfucker, 10 out of 10.

Dude, don't you fucking flirt with me.

I jerked off to you three times in no Sferatu.

You were good.

Holy shit, you're a beautiful man.

God damn!

I love this.

So symmetric.

Holy shit.

It really is undeniable.

If Hitler only had you

What?

If Hitler only had you, you're the poster boy for a symmetrical blue-eyed

I follow Kanya.

Let's see what happens.

See what happens.

See how the music goes.

There's a little accordion.

I told Red Band to make sure it makes sense when he hits the accordion button, and that's the moment that he went with, everybody.

He's coming off a slight hangover.

We were at Kid Rock's bar last night and we left

and we left and we forgot Redband.

And he thought we were still there for another two hours without looking.

So he stayed at Kid Rock's bar

until the wee hours of the night.

And then he yelled at us for leaving him at Kid Rock's bar.

How could you leave me?

We argued about it the whole drive here from the hotel.

I said, you have to stay with the group.

We can't leave you.

And he goes.

Oh, shit.

All right.

So, Ari, let's talk about it because this city really is special.

You know, I

we love Austin.

It's fucking its own thing.

And every day of the year, we have fucking fun there.

It could be a random ass Sunday.

God save you if you're there on a Monday.

Tuesdays are unbelievable for their own reasons.

Wednesdays in Austin are their own thing.

But every time this crew comes to fucking Nashville, we talk about the word residency comes up.

The word let's stay a couple extra days comes up.

The words fucking let's hang out.

Love the food, love the vibe, love the people, love the music, love the stores, love the energy.

Love the tornadoes.

We love the tornadoes.

We love the tornadoes.

This was a fucking tornado, dude.

We're having a tornado party tonight.

Yeah, is the show really a show if you didn't hear fucking tornado sirens beforehand?

You know what I mean?

That was crazy.

This is rock and roll.

I got a room 216 at the Laquita Inn in Memphis tonight.

Tornado party.

Little three-hour drive to Tony Caruso's party.

Well, thanks for the room, Tony.

I love it.

So what's your favorite part of Nashville so far?

Well, today I was by, dude, that tornado warning, did your phones go off too?

Crazy.

Because in Austin, all I have is Amber Alert.

It's just pedophile.

It's always San Antonio, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, San Antonio.

Everybody.

It's always Latinos trying to kidnap their kid that that they want more visitation rights to.

It's not actual like pedophiles.

It's always a couple arguing over their kids.

Just a fun fact, if you're wondering why there's so many.

It is funny that when you see an Amber Alert and it says like the lady's name, last scene with the kid, it's always like, oh, it's a mother trying to reconnect with his child.

And every time you see a fucking dude, you're like, yep, he's fucking him.

Okay.

Let's stick to the accordion for a little bit here.

Yeah, it was like that tornado became like it was literally 90 seconds.

I was by the pool with another guy, chili willy.

Beep, beep.

90 seconds later, dude, we're on the at the hotel, the rooftop bar, dude, a fucking chair, I don't know where it went, killed somebody, just flew off.

Morgan Wallen.

Yeah, we were with another guy.

Literally, look.

That was Fiona's chair.

Because a tornado, for context, to the worldwide watchers, is a pretty American thing never seen anything.

I've never seen a launch.

I thought poltergeist, the launch air, yeah, flew.

Yeah.

And then a guy working for a hotel goes out there, fights the launch chair back.

I'm like, Miguel,

get back here, dude.

This is why you need immigrants, dude.

Only an immigrant will run and get a lawn chair that ain't his.

Ain't no American going out there.

I love it.

Well, Ari Maddie, we're going to have fun tonight out on the city.

One of my favorite drinking buddies.

One of my favorite pals.

One of the funniest people off stage.

One of the funniest people on stage.

Truly, one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

One more time for Ari Maddie.

And with that, it is time for bucket pull number eight.

It could be the next Ari Maddie.

Could be the next Cam Patterson.

We found them all.

Oh my God.

God

bless America.

USA.

USA.

Wow.

Your next bucket full goes by the name of Kenny Cabana, everyone.

One more time for Valerie Vaughn and those American hangers, huh?

One more time for Kenny Cabanau.

Yeah, yeah.

What's up, Nashville?

Sorry, I was a little late getting up here.

Rife and I were getting blowjobs by Haley in the back.

She had to hawk to us so we could come out here and talk to you.

Holy shit.

They know I'm Canadian.

51st state, 51st state.

Hold up, hold up.

Are you booing me because I'm Canadian?

Damn, there's been like five of us.

I was like, I'm going to be the only Canadian here.

They kind of fucked me over backstage.

But seriously, Nashville, if you've got a problem getting it up, this is the place to come because the women here are insane.

Honestly, I was flying in this morning, 6.30, came right across the prison.

Largest women's prison in the United States.

So it's easy ass after 10 o'clock if you need to get any.

All right, guys, I love you.

I hope you guys have a good night.

Thanks for having me here.

Yikes, Kenny Cabana plowing through booze the entire time.

Not really sure how to handle it, huh?

Leaving pauses for jokes and then asking them if they're booing you because of this or booing you because of that.

A lot of big, basic mistakes there.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Couple years, just, you know, we're Canadian, so we're stupid, and it happens.

You're making excuses.

I would just stop saying that you're Canadian for every single answer.

Stay away from it.

It's not working out well for you.

Canadians booed our national anthem a few weeks ago.

They left a bad taste in our mouth.

You know what I think?

I think those Canadians better stop booing our national anthem, and I think they better start learning it.

Just pandering to my new staunch Republican base.

Are you excited to be part of the 51st state of the United States of America?

Yeah, oh, say, can you see, baby?

We can do this.

All right, there you go.

Make me do it.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

I work at a

large American company up in Canada.

You work for a large American company up in Canada.

You think there's any chance of that company moving back to America due to the new tariffs?

No, they're huge in America.

We're here.

We love America.

Okay, weird answer.

Craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here fast.

Two broken vertebrates right after high school, so I'm not supposed to do anything too out there, but still live on the edge and have fun.

Wow, ouch.

How'd you break your vertebrae?

Wrestling in high school.

Okay.

This crowd hates you.

I'm going to save you.

Here's the little joke book.

Kenny Cabanow, ladies and gentlemen.

Have a good night, Nashville.

So mean.

Mean?

No, not you.

The crowd.

They're ruthless.

You heard them.

I'll ask again, how many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on the show?

They love it.

These people want blood.

You guys must be in your glory tonight.

But with that, I have bad news for you.

Because right now I'm bringing up who might be one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here with the brand new minute, this is Martin Phillips.

What's up, what's going on?

A lot of people say a

guitar is a sexy instrument, but you know what's an underrated

sexy instrument, the French horn, because you gotta stick your fist in it.

You know?

Anyway,

the

serial killer Ted Bundy volunteered at the Suzanne hotline.

So nobody talks about the lives he saved.

Okay?

Insane.

You know, people.

I'll end it there.

I'll go.

Perfect.

He's done it again.

Another great minute by Martin Phillips.

Boy, oh boy, are they adding up.

You're doing it, man.

You're living the dream.

How do you feel?

Good.

Yeah, I'll go.

Yeah, it's cool.

It's cool.

You love Nashville?

Yeah, it's an outspace.

Yeah.

Knocking it out.

Yeah.

What you been doing while you're here?

Oh, chillin'.

During that tornado siren, I was taking a nap and it's like go in the basement and i was like if i die i die

i'm not leaving this bed um you know i don't see anything you know so

so yeah perfect yeah yeah so oh yeah uh this morning i didn't see you at the drag brunch i went to

at zany and i was looking for you and i

drag brunch either i wasn't there or I'm just that damn good.

Tonya, what's your name?

What's your drag name?

Tonya?

All right, never mind.

Holy shit, Red Band.

Really?

It's Tony, hands clipped.

Whoa.

It's true.

Tony with an eye.

One eye, Just like Aaron Belial.

I love it.

Martin.

You're the people.

That started

the order.

And where Aaron's name was was my name.

It's like, you guys, you didn't mix me up on the show.

You know, it's like, God damn it, everybody.

There was a lineup back there or something.

They're giving us the lineup tonight.

With the regulars.

Well, yeah, yeah.

They were like, okay.

You weren't supposed to be on tonight.

I know, I know, exactly.

But they're like, oh, sorry.

That was actually supposed to be Aaron's Day.

That was like every fucking time that you mixed us up.

I mean, you guys are both Crips, if you will.

Part of the same guy.

You have the same unbelievable walk.

That's true.

But you have a voice.

Yeah,

and two eyes.

I got that working for him.

Yeah, I got that.

Yep, you are not his type, if you will.

Oh, that's why I imprisoned another air room.

Uh-huh.

You son of a bitch.

Pretty good.

Not bad.

Martin Phillips, I'm glad you survived the tornado.

Anything for Martin, guys?

You got a party in room 316 in the La Quinte Inn in Memphis, Tennessee tonight.

If you can make it there, any tornadoes down there?

No, no, just poppers and whores.

Oh,

what's your favorite drug?

What's your favorite drug?

What drug can you do that's not gonna make you all wobbly toddly?

What?

Like what, like,

like, what drug can you do that'll make you not fucking freak out on me?

Well, well, try them out, let's see what you got, and

shoot me under.

It's gonna be so hard to hit a vein.

Oh,

fuck.

Do it through my toes.

Do it through my toes.

That's going to be the name of your next special.

Martin, we love you.

The fans love you.

Everybody loves you.

We're going to keep it moving one more time.

For the golden ticket goat, Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen.

I do believe he has the record for most appearances of any golden ticket winner.

All right.

He's attacking him.

Yeah.

Tony Caruso going a little hard in the future.

There's the lovely Heidi.

Oh my goodness.

I mean

it's always especially after the handicap people where she really shines.

It's just like a refresh.

It's like getting an extra life on a video game.

You know what I mean?

Just feels good.

You feel safe when she's around.

How about a hand for the event staff right here working hard at the Bridgestone Arena?

This guy's coming in with the mob.

Clearly somebody vomited when

that last Canadian guy did his set.

A lot of Americans vomiting in the crowd tonight at the disgusting first-time Canadians that have dared show themselves in such an American venue.

Okay, bucket pull number nine.

We still have energy.

Make some noise.

60 seconds, uninterrupted.

Going to Caleb Lee.

Or Caleb Lee.

C-A-L-E-T.

So what I've come to realize, y'all, is people on social media, they don't want help.

They want attention while living miserable.

This girl on my timeline is so annoying.

This road I'm on is so lonely.

Nobody likes me.

Nobody cares.

If I don't get 25 likes by the end of the night, I'm going to kill myself.

So I messaged her right one human to another, like, hey, I don't know what you got going on, but people love you.

Jesus loves you.

And I just hope things get better.

And she fucking left me on red?

No, I swear to God, y'all for what?

I'm already selling weed to her.

But now I understand what no one likes your ass, bitch.

Kill yourself.

Look, Nashville, I know that is fucked up, man.

And she is just the teenager.

And my sister.

Y'all like the boo, boy.

I'll tell you what.

Ooh, y'all like the boo.

Not exactly what you want your closing catchphrase to be during a comedy set

in an arena.

Caleb, how long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing stand-up about four years now.

Where at?

Dayton, Ohio.

Dayton, Ohio.

Okay.

Ooh, they don't like Dayton either.

Wow, what a shocker here in Nashville, Tennessee.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

I'll be selling weed, DoorDash.

It's kind of getting in between right now and my job.

If you're a weed dealer and deals drugs with cuff jeans, that shit is about to be garbage.

I'm the easiest drug dealer ever, either.

You imagine him showing up with your food and it's like a half-eaten and they're like boo.

And he's like, man, you guys really like the boo, DoorDash.

Oh, shit.

Ah, I love it.

Well, you're likable.

It's a new shirt.

How old are you, Caleb?

29.

And just to make sure I'm saying this right, your name is Caleb.

Caleb.

Caleb.

With a P.

With a P, yeah.

C-A-L-E-P.

You're booing the name.

You know what?

He says you guys like to boo.

Honestly, I'm with you on that one.

Boo.

Caleb,

what do you think your mother, whose womb you came out of, she held you in her belly for nine months, and then at the end she looked at you and goes, that's Caleb.

What do you think she was thinking?

She was white trash on Xanax.

Right.

Caleb with a P.

That is incredible.

What does she do?

What does she ring up at a register for a living?

What's a urn cost?

An urn?

Yearn?

She's dead, R.I.P.

A yearn.

She's in a yearn.

That is only something a guy named Caleb would say.

My mother, she's in a yearn.

It's a fucking urn.

As in, he will never earn a living as a comedian.

It's an urn.

Wow.

Oh my goodness.

The cremator that we met earlier used to put bodies in a yearn, everyone, according to Caleb.

So how did she die?

Around the pandemic or something like that.

Or something like that?

Are you not, you don't have your finger on the bottom?

I I feel bad I brought my dead mom up.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's fine.

It's actually the most interesting part of your entire appearance so far.

What's the story with the rest of your life?

Royal, I know this is probably a bad time to plug it, but me and my friend Jeff Allen, we have the longest.

Let me cut you off right there.

No one cares about an open mic in Dayton, Ohio.

Caleb.

Wow.

Caleb, this was so rough for you.

You might as well have been from Canada.

The least liked American of the night.

Tony Caruso, do you have any advice for this young buck?

I mean, just a few years ago, he was the young kid in the movie Unbreakable, and now...

That's the wrong movie, isn't it?

Yeah, I was going to invite you to my party at the La Quinta Inn in room 316 in Memphis, Tennessee tonight, but we already have a Caleb showing up tonight, bringing the energy down.

Caleb, I'm going to save you as well, my friend.

Best of luck to you.

Who do we think, how many bucket pools do we have up there, huh?

Out of all of you, all right, sit down.

All of you, sit down.

I'm going to do something I've never done before.

And Colt, you have a better angle than me.

We've had so many first-timers tonight.

I'm just being present.

I'm being in the moment right now.

I'm going to ask you a question.

You guys have to be honest.

Everybody sit down.

Stand up if you've been doing it longer than five years.

All right.

Now, sit down if you've been doing it less than ten years.

How many people are standing?

Is that a black guy with his shirt off that's been doing it longer than ten years?

Ten years a comic.

Hell yeah.

is that true or are you lying black guy

Okay

finds who okay, who's been doing it 15 years anybody

not him.

That's not who I'm talking to.

I'm talking to that guy up there.

Hold on

Who's been doing it the fucking longest out of everybody up there

You're all pointing at that guy.

Is that true?

Can anybody else argue that?

How long have you been doing it black guy with his arms up 10.

How long have you been doing it, guy in the baseball hat?

Show me with your fucking hands.

Jesus Christ.

15?

You've been doing it 15 years?

Come on down and do a minute.

Let's go.

We're just living in a moment.

That kid signed up.

You signed up.

You have a minute.

Get your ass back there.

are we having fucking fun tonight or what

this is the only every other television host you've ever seen has a teleprompter they pre-interview their guest

this is kill to me live anything can happen in the moment All right, ladies and gentlemen, your 15-year veteran going first tonight, doing 60 seconds, goes by the name of Evan Burts.

Evan Burts.

Let's see what happens here.

What's up, Nashville?

Thank you for doing that, Tony.

I'm blessed.

I'm excited to be here.

I'm excited to be alive, y'all.

When I was 17 years old, I was almost killed in a car accident.

I was sitting in the middle of the back seat, not wearing a seatbelt.

That's where they made me sit.

And we're all familiar with what that's called.

It's called riding bitch, right?

And I don't know why they call it that when it was the two guys sitting beside me who died.

Who's the bitch now?

Okay.

All right.

I'm just kidding.

Everyone survived the accident, but those guys are dead.

Opioids.

Thank you guys.

I appreciate this.

This was awesome.

All right, all right, all right.

Your name again?

Evan Burke.

Evan Burke.

Yes, sir.

Very good, Evan Burke.

And you've been doing it 15 years?

Since 2009, so I guess a little longer than that.

Yeah, where at?

All over.

Started in Charleston, South Carolina.

Uh-huh.

I'm from Atlanta originally, Go Grahams.

Oh, my God.

you.

I know.

It's a rough start.

It's a rough start.

And then I spent some time in New York and Los Angeles.

I actually did a show with you in Los Angeles.

You probably don't remember.

I was definitely an add-on.

I was an add-on.

It was at the Ice House on Valentine's Day 2020.

Okay, very good.

I remember because you made a woman cry in the front row.

It was pretty awesome.

I did.

Do you remember what happened there?

Yeah,

she looked really good.

She was there with her significant other.

And you said she looked like a lady of the night.

That's all it took?

Yeah, she was soft.

She shouldn't have been in the front row.

Uh-uh.

No chance.

I love it.

What do you do for how do you make a living?

I have a day job.

I work remotely for a research company so that I can do comedy.

I

haven't put all the eggs in the comedy basket so that I can reinvest in my comedy.

Okay.

Yeah.

I mean, I self-produced my own comedy special using the money that I made from my day job.

Matt Reif knows about self-producing comedy specials over here.

Yep.

So shit.

Yeah, big fan of you.

Thanks, man.

Glad to see you here.

Appreciate it, dude.

What is the name of the research company?

One more time.

What is the name of the research company?

Good question, Tony Caruso.

Everyone's itching to know the name of the research company.

I love it when you ask questions like that, Tony Caruso.

I love it.

It leads us in a great direction.

It's going to be a bunch of jokes that come from this.

Let's see what happens here.

What's the name of the research company?

I'm having a party as a location.

Room 316.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Thanks for bringing me out.

Go ahead.

Wait, you sounded like out of brain there for a second.

Go ahead.

What do you got?

It's company called AlphaSense, rated one of the best places to work by some

nerds.

Breaking for some nerds.

Yeah.

Some outlet, you know?

You're right, it was.

What are you researching?

Like, what is the thing that gets researched?

We're making hedge funds richer.

Nothing that these people are going to be all too excited about meeting.

All right, all right, all right.

I'm going to tell you what.

We're going to keep it moving.

We're getting deep in the show.

Here's a big joke book.

There you go.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

A little balance to the scale.

So many newer comedians.

One year, two years, one year.

First time, first time, first time, first time.

And then what?

I open up the opportunity for a comedy veteran to come out, and some little fucking kid had the balls to show his face.

And now, without a a doubt, for the first time ever on Kiltoni, this

is,

I don't even know,

how old is he?

Okay, I guess they're already bringing him out, everybody.

It's Finnegan.

One more time for Finnegan.

Just to be clear, I'm not Canadian.

Hi, my name is Finnegan Timothy O'Malley.

Clearly, my mom named me to be an alcoholic by 21.

Every day, after I go to school,

I have to go to hell.

But most of you know it as the YMCA.

The people who work there are barely older than us.

They just went through puberty themselves.

I can see their pimples.

My friend Jackson is taller than most of them there, mainly because Jackson is a 5'4 beast

Every day when we walk in there we're forced to wash our hands like we're carrying a disease

and Then we have to eat food that expires in two days

Because we can't

Wow, you are a dumbass retard red band.

I love that you laugh at these moments.

Oh, he's flipping you guys off.

You're wrong.

You're retarded.

Let's go back to the punchline that anybody with fucking common sense, not to mention somebody working on the show for 12 years, would know not to interrupt.

You fucking retard.

Here he is with the end of his joke.

It's Finnegan, everybody.

Literally

destroying live.

Do that last one again and hit the punchline.

And then we have to eat food that expires in two days because we can't waste food.

If they keep this up, then we'll expire in two days.

Timothy O'Malley.

Ladies and gentlemen, has arrived

to the Kill Tony Universe.

He's being given given the jacket of Tony Caruso.

AKA, the Lombardi trophy of the Kill Tony Universe.

Let's go.

Oh

my

God.

Get him a beer.

Let's go.

Finnegan Timothy O'Malley.

Holy shit, a star is born.

How old are you?

11.

11 years old.

Have you ever done stand-up comedy comedy before?

I have.

Yeah, it seems like it.

You seem actually funnier than the guy that's been doing it 15 years.

He's been doing it longer than you've been alive, and here you are, pure charisma, fucking a look, a vibe, and energy.

I was nervous that you weren't gonna speak directly into the microphone or have actual fucking jokes, and you did it all.

You nailed it all like a pro.

This is incredible.

Do you live here in Nashville?

No.

Where do you live?

Lexington, Kentucky.

Yee-hoo!

Wow.

And you came here tonight with your dad, your mom?

Who'd you come with?

Both.

Both.

And they help you write sometimes?

You run your jokes by them?

Yeah, I do.

But you write those yourself?

Yeah.

Wow.

Incredible.

And

you're a fan of the show?

Oh, yeah.

They let you watch it?

My dad mostly watches it, and I join in sometimes.

I love it.

That's amazing.

Tony Caruso's going to ask you an obscure, stupid, one-ended question right now.

What's the name of the energy company?

We'll be right back.

I'm having a party at the Laquita Inn, Room 316,

Memphis, Tennessee.

I do got to say it's you were funny, you were funny, and you were you were clean.

I don't think you even cursed in front of 20,000 people.

Have you ever cursed ever in your life?

Multiple times, yes.

Oh shit, all right.

What's your favorite curse word, Finnegan Timothy O'Malley?

Great question.

You've never gotten to curse in an arena before.

This is the moment.

Oh, he's towering up.

Wait, what is it?

Oh, come on.

Don't boo him.

Don't boo him.

We're going to give him one more chance.

Don't boo him.

Come on, one more curse word.

Okay.

Fuck.

This show is as live and as wild as it gets.

Unbelievable.

Ten minutes ago, there was a 0% chance of you getting on, other than your name being in the bucket, probably, right?

And now here you are, after crushing, and Finnegan Timothy O'Malley, the first 11-year-old in the show's history.

Do I have news for you?

You are the newest golden ticket winner on Kill Tony.

You get to have a naughty, naughty Red Bull.

How exciting.

And

Finnegan Timothy O'Malley from Lexington, Kentucky.

One last thing.

You are 11.

You are funny.

You have enough time to write another minute before August 16th.

There's a venue called Madison Square Garden.

And you will be performing there

at the world's most famous arena at 11 years old.

You ready to catch this joke book?

Here it comes.

Oh!

Almost had it all, everybody.

Almost had it all.

It's fucking fantastic.

I'd love to give you a cigarette.

No, no cigarette.

No cigarette.

How loud can this place get for Finnegan Timothy O'Malley?

Woo!

Woo!

Finnegan, you did it.

Congratulations.

Welcome to the family.

The 11-year-old, Finnegan Timothy O'Malley.

You can go, buddy.

Thank you.

Hell yeah.

Where the hell are his parents at?

You guys cool?

Are we good?

Are we good?

Okay, good.

I have consent.

Jesus Christ.

Consent to lug them around to Madison Square.

Oh, the mom's crying.

How adorable.

Look at that.

She just told the dad it's not his.

I love it.

She just told the dad he's not his.

We have parents' permission to have the 11-year-old on the show and at Madison Square Garden just for any creeps watching she just quit her job

yep

that just happened in real time in real life and now Michael and now what's crazy is that kind of steps on the toes of something crazy that I had planned here but we're gonna go through with it anyway I

had

four extra golden ticket winners that were here that wanted to go on stage tonight and do a minute.

So what I've decided to do before the show is have all four of them come out at the exact same time.

They're going to each do a minute and at the end of each minute without any interview they're going to hand the mic to the next person.

They're going to go minute, minute, minute, minute and then at the end of those four minutes You get to decide who you like the most and they get a spot at Madison Square Garden.

And whoever you like the least has to take six months away from the show.

Ooh, does this sound like fun?

Well, make some noise for them.

Here they come at once.

First, it's Rick Diaz.

Ooh.

Next, it's David Jolly.

Third is Drew Nickens.

And fourth is Jack Shaw.

So we're going Rick, David, Drew,

Jack.

Going first with 60 seconds.

Make some noise for Rick Diaz.

I'm so happy to be doing this.

I have such a great track record battling other comedians on this show.

Anyway, anybody else depressed or what?

Yeah, I woke up this morning.

I didn't didn't mean to

Yeah, I don't suffer from sleep apnea.

I suffer from awake breathing

Yeah, and when I was a kid I broke a window at home and my parents were like Rick

just stop trying to get in

I was talking to my therapist and I was like, you're not taking any notes and he was like I am trying to forget this

yeah

I a girl told me

you can do whatever you want to me

so I disappointed her

she was like is that a gun in your pocket or it's a gun

Thank you guys very much.

You've been great.

Exactly one minute by Rick Diaz.

He hands the microphone to David Jolly.

Make some noise for David Jolly.

How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico?

Hell yeah.

We in God's country, baby.

You know what I mean?

Remind you of the old days back when we could be Americans, you know.

Everybody don't get offended by every fucking thing.

You know what I'm saying?

We're goddamn Americans.

A man have a bad day at work, he come home and he punch that bitch in the face.

It's my wife.

What you mean I can't hit my wife?

That's crazy.

Hell yeah, the good old days.

I'm glad we didn't have social media back in the good old days.

Cause we also didn't have this thing called child abuse.

Can you imagine getting your ass whooped on your grandmama Facebook Live?

That bitch got them long-ass titties swinging in the camera.

Everybody in the comments like, oh, take his jaws off.

Kick him in his ass.

Hell yeah.

Every year.

Oh, that's my time.

Thank y'all.

Y'all been a bunch of fun.

Drew Nickens.

I wasn't born this way.

I actually was assaulted by some airmen.

I got a TBI and I actually lost her tooth that night.

And it was really scary because I had to pick myself up.

So I picked myself up.

I picked up that tooth and I put that bitch right under my pillow for the two fairy.

Am I right?

And it was $2 under my pillow the next day.

She knew I had a head injury before I did, because there was a Chris Benoit action figure on the side of my bed with a fucking

take care on a post-it note.

On a lighter note, I learned how to pleasure a woman from my grandma.

She said, if you want to make the hose quirk, you got to give that hoe a retarded wave.

That's why you do the Star Trek symbol.

You slide that thing up and then you wave like a retarded guy at a bus stop.

Like,

you got to make that noise so it sounds like a vibrator.

Like,

and you got to make an eye contact.

Women are horrified when I do that joke.

I only do that for entertainment purposes only,

unless you're down.

Thank you all so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Shaw.

Mashville!

I got a girlfriend.

I love her so much, guys.

I do.

But I'm Jewish and she's Christian.

And this bitch is going to hell, man.

Oh, man.

I love her so much, dude.

I do, but I have to protect her now.

I have someone to protect.

So I went to the gun range for the first time, motherfuckers.

Oh, my God.

Now I want a fucking gun, guys.

It was so much fun.

I get why kids bring them to school, dude.

Understand.

I grew up in Los Angeles, California.

I grew up liberal, anti-gun.

Why would anyone want a gun?

No guns.

And then I picked up a gun and I was like, Nancy Pelosi is a bitch.

Jack Sean,

ladies and gentlemen.

Well,

this is another fun experiment.

Why don't you guys line up how you performed, Rick?

Come on, you guys step up, step up.

Rick Diaz, David, you guys would go side by side.

There we go.

Jack over here.

They're not the smartest people, as you could tell.

Okay, now I've been informed by the great director Anthony in the

magical eye in the sky that he's been able to obtain an audio level measurement system here in-house.

It's in the back of the house.

There it is right there, as you can see.

Check, check, check, check, check, one, two.

Okay.

You guys were able to get it up to 106 during the test.

So we're going to do this very officially so that the crybabies on the internet and anywhere else fucking see how we're doing it by science tonight

actual science the technology seems to be getting better as the Netflix deals start rolling in

ladies and gentlemen you decide who goes to Madison Square Garden and you also decide who's taking six months away from the show never before has so much decision-making been in the hands of an audience, and who better than Nashville, Tennessee, to decide?

With that said, here we go.

How many of you, and try to not go twice?

That would be my recommendation.

Pick it in your head now and make noise for that person when I say that person's name, or else you're gonna fuck it up.

How many of you have Rick Diaz winning this tonight?

That got up to what?

103?

103.7 was his maximum.

How many of you have David Jolly winning this?

113.

What is it, Anthony?

113.9.

All right.

How many of you have True Nickens winning this?

Oh boy.

94.8, Drew.

Drew, don't wear the sadness on your face like that, Jesus.

This is a very tough art form, Drew.

You're in a battle against great comedians.

You're doing just fine, Drew.

How many of you have Jack Shaw winning this tonight?

114.3.

Oh my God.

By four-tenths of a point, Jack Shaw pulls it off.

This ended up a little more depressing than I thought it would be.

Drew, we love you.

Everything's okay.

What do you want?

You want some fucking...

Step up to the mic, Drew.

How do do you, are you okay?

It is what it is, Tony.

Everyone loves you, Drew.

You've been doing it less time than these three guys.

Don't take it so hard on yourself.

You have to understand that being part of a competition like this is much better than not being part of a competition like this.

You're in the game, Drew.

Yes, sir.

Thank you for the opportunity, Mr.

Tony.

Thank you guys, Nashville.

True Nickens.

And based on fucking goddamn son of a bitch in principle, just because it was within 0.3,

let's get David Jolly up to at

MSG.

Why not?

There they go.

Give it up for the boys.

Jack Shawn's going to Madison Square Garden.

David Jolly to Madison Square Garden.

Barely beating.

Boy, that was really close.

He had 103.7.

Sucks for everybody, kind of.

Hey,

it's fun that I take chances.

It's fun that we have fun.

One more time for the boys there.

That's different.

Little measurement system.

And how much fun have we had tonight?

Jeez, Louise.

I mean, there's just no show like this.

I hope you know that we're making history.

Every time we do one of these fucking arenas, musicians know the set list they're going to play.

Stand-ups know what they're going to do,

you know, when they come up here to do an hour-long set.

But only on Kill Tony are we pulling names out of a bucket and having fun.

And you know,

I think that there's only one way to end a night like this.

I present to you:

some people call him the Memphis Strangler,

Some people call him the vanilla gorilla.

From Memphis, Tennessee.

I present to you the big

red machine.

Ladies and gentlemen, here in his home state, the record holder for appearances and interviews.

This is William Montgomery.

I

gotta see.

Rocky top, you'll always be

home, sweet old to me.

Good old Rocky Top,

Rocky Top did a city

Good old Rocky top

Rocky top did a city

Rocky top, you'll always be

of freedom to be

good

on Rocky Top,

Rocky Top Denazi

top to

see

Rocky top, you'll always be

good

on Rocky Top

Rocky top to

zoo

Rocky top, you'll always be

good

old Rocky top,

rocky top to

zoom

to

Z

Rocky top, you'll always be

Omswed of the B.

Good

Is Jeffrey Goldberg, the journalist who just published the story about the Trump administration texting him war plans, the biggest snitch of all time?

If the Trump team texted me war plans, my ass ain't writing a damn article.

I get to be sending gifts back like Rocky and Apollo Creed, shaking hands, saying shit like, Let's roll, Patriots,

and sending selfies of me wearing camouflage in my bedroom.

Red man's mom is such a bad slut, she couldn't blow a breathalyzer,

and she's an old one, too.

Amy Schumer has had such terrible side effects from the weight loss drug Ozimpic that she says she's going to lose weight naturally.

Step one, she said, is to reduce her ice cream sandwich intake from five to three a day.

The mayor of Minot, North Dakota got busted for sending a masturbation video to a city employee.

And I'm just over here trying to figure out how in the hell did the mayor of Minot North Dakota get his hands on a Redman video

red band does these nasty solo male fucking jacking off shit

okay that's my time Tony thank you so much

lights out Montgomery has done it again

the man who's done it more than anyone more sets more interviews more verses of rocky top Tennessee or or whatever.

Man, you know how to get this crowd into a tizzy.

This is incredible.

About to have a motherfucking stroke up here right now, Tony.

I love that.

I'm light-headed, Tony.

We love that, William.

We love that about you.

You give it all a lot of energy.

A lot of people have said we expect William to die on that stage.

He gives us all.

I hope not too many people are saying that.

But no, Tony, I'm so sorry.

I actually ended up going out with Kid Rock after the show last night.

We went to the beautiful Vanderbilt University campus and literally kidnapped four women at Vanderbilt.

Kid Rock and I.

So I was having a good time time last night, Toadeth!

Wow.

There's blood everywhere, Today!

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

Kid Rock is kind of a racist, Toadeth!

That's the major thing I learned last night, but he's really nice.

No.

I love his ba with the ba song.

He's not racist.

He has Black family members.

He has a half black granddaughter.

He has a black lesbian drummer.

I know this because he mentions it every five minutes when you're hanging out with him.

Right after he says the N-word.

I'm kidding.

I'm joking.

William, I don't know if you noticed it, but there's a lady holding up a sign over here.

Do you see that sign that she held up?

I'll show my tits for a big joke book.

William, what do you think we should do with this lady, huh?

I think she's kind of really ugly, Tony.

Oh my god.

Trying to see your titties.

Holy shit, bitch, get back in the cave.

You want to see those?

You want to see those rocky tops?

Hell no.

I kind of do.

Let's see what we got here.

Anthony, you got that shot?

The kid!

The kid!

Oh no, there's an 11-year-old!

No!

I forgot there's 11-year-olds there!

That can't be his first titties!

Oh no!

Oh no, that's how gays are made.

Oh, he's got his hat over his face.

Get a shot at that over there.

They're not always tucked in their pants.

Turn hard left, camera guy.

There you go, right there.

Get a shot of that.

Anthony, fucking show them what's going on there, please.

For the love of God there you go

like he's heading to Epstein's Island

I'm getting word that we have a slow motion replay available of those rocky tops that we saw a second ago let's see a slow motion replay only in Nashville only on kilton

oh my god what is this show

Oh, there's people.

This is the most ridiculous show of all time.

I'd like to apologize to the Bridgestone Arena and the city of Nashville, Tennessee.

Sweetheart, I would love to invite you to my party at the Laquinte Inn.

Wow.

Room 316, Memphis, Tennessee.

Finnegan's going, Williams going.

Dreams are coming true here tonight.

We got to see that lady's sweet, sweet rotisserie.

What were those metal things in your nipples?

Those were some beefy tits, my friend.

My goodness.

You know that she's from Tennessee because those look like the tits of a volunteer for sure.

Wait, Tony, what the fuck is that supposed to mean, man?

Supposed to mean someone who like volunteers at a soup kitchen or something like that kind of.

Not the actual college, but someone that would volunteer for something.

Someone that wouldn't get paid to do something.

That's what I meant.

Like an actual volunteer.

Those were some huge tits though.

Any lady want to show their small tits for a small joke book?

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Shut up.

William, how do you feel?

Feeling good, Tony.

Feeling really good.

You're back in your home state of Tennessee.

Is there anything you want to say to these people before we get you out of here?

I just want to say it really is a pleasure.

I was born in Tennessee.

I will die in Tennessee.

Don't shake your head like a fucking idiot, okay?

That's what I can say.

Did you see him play the West Hollywood bear during an 11-year-old destroying having the moment of his life earlier?

Did you see Red Band do that?

Yeah.

I know.

You're not even going to make a joke about it?

You're just going to say, I know.

That's like the meanest thing you could have done right there.

I know.

Well, I i mean it was funny i thought it was funny i was laughing over there very good oh red man no you gave him a lot of confidence there that's very nice of you william uh

william i noticed that you always

uh that you always love tennessee i've seen you live in california i've seen you live in texas do you think you'll ever just be over tennessee you think you'll just be done tony that's so weird i don't think i'm Man, they're gonna be over Tennessee!

William lights out Montgomery, the big red machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Manila Gorilla, indeed, has done it again.

Guys.

How about a hand for the one and only motherfucking one of the best in the world Matt Rife

how fucking awesome what an honor to have him he's on the state golden tour it is Matt Rifofficial calm but you guys probably have tickets you guys are the best comedy fans in the world if he's coming to your town fucking get him every show is different and fun that's guaranteed with him master improviser master stand-up anything else Matt no I fucking love Nashville thank you so much for having me get on safe love you god bless Tony Caruso is having a party tonight at the La Quinta Inn, but it says here that he's promoting the tours of Adam Ray and Dr.

Phil.

They are both on tour.

That would be Kill Tony Hall of Famers, Kill Tony Guest of the Year.

You look suspiciously like those guys.

The party starts in about 15 minutes, so get there early.

Finnegan, bring your parents.

We got tons of Zima.

The entire band and the musicians, all of them, are playing at Brooklyn Bowl tonight.

If you guys are looking for something to do, they're going to be absolutely crushing at a venue called Brooklyn Bowl.

Guys, how loud can this place get for one of the best musicians in the world?

Mercus King was with us all night.

The lovely Ellie King.

One more time for truly one of the all-time GOATs, Winona Judd's performance earlier.

Her and the great cactus Mosher was on the drums.

Unbelievable.

Get tickets at AdamRaycomedy.com for everything, Dr.

Phil, Adam Ray, Tony Caruso,

Matt Reif Official for everything.

Matt Wright.

We are on Netflix, April 7th.

That's at

2 a.m.

tomorrow night, believe it or not.

2 a.m.

3 a.m.

East Coast time.

So 3 a.m.,

2 a.m.

2.

You guys three hours behind LA or 2.

Great.

Oh, it's midnight every time zone.

So midnight tomorrow night on Netflix, our Netflix debut of Kill Tony.

How exciting is that, huh?

One more time for all the comedians.

Thank you to the comedians that signed up.

Oh, look, there's a cool clown over there.

Look at that fucking guy.

God damn, that would have been cool.

Red band.

Love you guys.

Sorry, kid.

We absolutely love Nashville, Tennessee.

God bless Nashville and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

We love you.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you so much.

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