#724 - JOE DEROSA + ARI MATTI

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 3 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

Speaker 1 You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 7 Hey, it's a Swearman coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 9 Get retoned and

Speaker 10 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Speaker 12 And the best stand band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Am I correct?

Speaker 15 Indeed, that is Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 17 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Huevos Rancheros.

Speaker 19 This is Matt Muelling right here behind me on the electric.

Speaker 15 This is John Dees on the keys.

Speaker 14 And believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, that is D-Madness.

Speaker 24 That's the first time I've ever gotten to use the blind stick before.

Speaker 26 That's very exciting.

Speaker 27 This is Kill Tony brought to you by Shopify, Nick, and OpenPhone.

Speaker 30 You're at the number one live podcast in the world.

Speaker 19 Some people, including YouTube and Netflix, are saying we're the new number one comedy show in the world, everybody, right here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 15 Where it all started in Austin Vulcan Gas Company.

Speaker 39 Not a lot of people know this, but we came straight here during the pandemic.

Speaker 40 We didn't go anywhere else in Austin.

Speaker 42 We support no other clubs other than, of course, our new home of the comedy mothership.

Speaker 19 And we decided, decided why not do some fun throwback episodes in the grungy fucking

Speaker 14 one of the just the dirtiest sixth street clubs that there is

Speaker 12 we're back at vulcan gas company and you are here those of you lucky enough to get tickets within the first four minutes of them being on sale We're going to have fun tonight.

Speaker 51 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 21 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 55 You know, every single week, I book two or one sometimes of the funniest people in the world.

Speaker 56 This is a two-person show and because we're at Vulcan and because this is just grungy true Austin Texas feel to me.

Speaker 29 It's not brand new.

Speaker 21 It's smoky.

Speaker 6 It's leaky.

Speaker 59 This building is very leaky.

Speaker 29 And it just reminds me of a random ass fun night in Austin.

Speaker 61 So I invited not only two of the best comedians in the world, but two of my favorite Austinites, two of my favorite drinking buddies, two of the best comedians in the world working today.

Speaker 61 Indeed, make some noise for Joe DeRosa and Ari Matty,

Speaker 61 the Estonian assassin

Speaker 66 and the dirty pig,

Speaker 66 Joe DeRosa,

Speaker 66 file horrendous

Speaker 66 Estonian assassin.

Speaker 66 Oh

Speaker 66 my god.

Speaker 66 Oh

Speaker 66 my God.

Speaker 42 Live in the flesh, Ari Matty.

Speaker 63 Here we go.

Speaker 31 Here we go.

Speaker 67 Here we go.

Speaker 68 How are we doing, okay?

Speaker 68 Thank God.

Speaker 32 Ari's the man.

Speaker 21 This is the dirtball pig himself, Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 70 The king pig.

Speaker 8 How are you, buddy?

Speaker 39 We're having fun tonight.

Speaker 71 I'm so excited to be back here.

Speaker 72 The first time I ever did Kill Tony in Austin, it was at the Vulcan. And it's been at the mothership ever since.

Speaker 59 But it's so fucking cool to be back here at this place.

Speaker 74 It's a vibe.

Speaker 75 Ari, you got to perform here.

Speaker 76 Never.

Speaker 58 Really? Never.

Speaker 77 You were post-mothership.

Speaker 68 Post-mothership. Wow.

Speaker 40 Amazing.

Speaker 78 Amazing. So we did it.
Hunch.

Speaker 33 This is where you did it.

Speaker 64 Oh, Red Band's tits are shaking.

Speaker 29 What's going on?

Speaker 47 What are you laughing at over here?

Speaker 6 Oh, okay.

Speaker 6 Fun, fun, fun.

Speaker 73 Sorry, I was trying to get a look at his tits.

Speaker 55 Yeah, they are are some fucking sweet fucking.

Speaker 79 They are good tits.

Speaker 41 Thick and hardy.

Speaker 58 Yeah. Old turkey breasts over there.

Speaker 18 All right.

Speaker 21 You guys know how the show works? About a 200 or so.

Speaker 14 Comedians, make some noise real quick.

Speaker 74 Wait, you guys are all comedians?

Speaker 51 That's psychotic.

Speaker 80 You guys don't take direction very well, but I like your energy.

Speaker 17 They're back there, that's the point.

Speaker 40 There's a couple hundred comedians smashed over on the other side of the room.

Speaker 47 The overflows at a bar next door. It's all chaos.

Speaker 49 If I pull one of of their names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 29 You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 27 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

Speaker 83 which loudly interrupts their set.

Speaker 49 And then I conduct an interview and we talk shit and figure out more about them. They go through an entire interview process.

Speaker 39 And

Speaker 56 yeah, that's the gist of it. But to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are fans of Kill Tony?

Speaker 84 How many of you are here because you had rich parents and you live in Austin?

Speaker 27 You want to be part of the coolest thing in town?

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 47 That was good. Nobody failed that task.

Speaker 57 Well, the fans of the show, you're in for a very special treat.

Speaker 61 This man is a Kill Tony Hall of Famer to start the show tonight. He's one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, roast God.

Speaker 61 Make some noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody.

Speaker 61 Oh my god. The show

Speaker 63 starting with David Lucas.

Speaker 63 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 87 I feel like

Speaker 88 I was born in the wrong generation.

Speaker 87 I feel like I should have been 30 like in the 80s or the 70s. Because like girls in 2025 are too freaky for me.
Like

Speaker 87 I hate this squirting shit. I don't like it.
It's like, do you think bitches were squirting during slavery?

Speaker 87 They couldn't. They were too dehydrated.

Speaker 87 I don't know when this squirting shit became popular, bro. I think squirting came out with Ugg boots.

Speaker 89 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 87 You hoes started wearing Uggs and started pissing everywhere.

Speaker 88 It's always weird when you fuck a girl and she squirts.

Speaker 87 She's like, oh my God, I just squirted. It's like, bitch, you didn't squirt.
You just fucked my mattress up, bitches.

Speaker 87 This is a purple mattress. Hoe, I got to throw this shit out now.

Speaker 87 But, ladies, if you do have to squirt, which we know by now is P, we just have one request: just please hydrate. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 87 Drink some fucking water because don't nobody want that mimosa ass piss you hoes be having.

Speaker 87 That shit be strong as hell, like mixing Clo Rocks with Fabuloso. I gotta

Speaker 87 wear goggles to eat your pussy, bitch.

Speaker 87 All right, that's it. Thank you,

Speaker 44 David Lucas.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 87 I just look at this gay nigga and start laughing.

Speaker 93 Who, me?

Speaker 87 Nigga, your head too big to be gay.

Speaker 96 David, don't you find that the squirt dilutes the barbecue sauce stains that are already on the mattress?

Speaker 98 I mean, she's doing you a favor.

Speaker 87 Joe DeRosa, big head bitch. When you eat a bitch out, your forehead is going to be giving her tongue kisses.

Speaker 72 You have so many food packages delivered to your house they had to change the name of the app to post office mate

Speaker 4 you look like you got a football helmet on nigga shut the fuck up

Speaker 87 fucking New York Jets helmet wearing motherfucker

Speaker 87 you got a big ass head nigga you if you had but a nigga you going to jail for murder

Speaker 96 I thought they discontinued chocolate Twizzlers.

Speaker 73 You have them on your head right now.

Speaker 87 Jesus Christ, bro. I hate to see you put on a fucking motorcycle helmet nigga god damn how would you be an astronaut nigga that's

Speaker 63 i don't know

Speaker 87 i just want to shoot you in it

Speaker 38 David Lucas,

Speaker 41 talking about making girls squirt.

Speaker 76 Is that a thing that you do?

Speaker 31 Can you do that? Yeah.

Speaker 67 How do you do that?

Speaker 31 Are you sure it's not your sweat that's just there

Speaker 23 at the end of a session?

Speaker 87 You the only nigga that can squirt.

Speaker 92 Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 106 Well, like, no, you put it in and then you go like this.

Speaker 92 Oh, okay.

Speaker 88 Curl it.

Speaker 104 One finger?

Speaker 87 I got big fingers, dog, so this is.

Speaker 105 You got really tiny fingers.

Speaker 89 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 The bowling ball.

Speaker 87 Yeah, give it a

Speaker 42 Speaking of bowling balls, David Lucas is still here.

Speaker 15 Around and black indeed.

Speaker 107 How's life been, David?

Speaker 87 Life has been amazing, nigga. Just trying to stay away from gay niggas like you.

Speaker 15 How often are you around gay N-words?

Speaker 87 Every time I do,

Speaker 87 every time I do kill something.

Speaker 108 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 4 Real homophobia.

Speaker 28 You're wiping a lot of sweat off your face.

Speaker 87 It's hot up here, dog. God, this has been smoky.

Speaker 2 Is it?

Speaker 63 This shit like a fucking...

Speaker 88 This shit like a rap music video.

Speaker 87 That girl is poison.

Speaker 110 Hey.

Speaker 29 The fuck. David, what else have you been up to?

Speaker 22 You been on the road and stuff?

Speaker 87 Yes, sir.

Speaker 111 Touring all across the country doing the Killers of Kill Tony tour.

Speaker 87 Me, Ari, Cam, Martin Phillips, Aaron Blau.

Speaker 58 What's it like?

Speaker 105 It's a cripple, three blacks, and me. Yeah,

Speaker 112 Killers of Kill Tony.

Speaker 87 It's the most Kill Tony shit ever, bro. It is.
Two retards, a white, and three niggas.

Speaker 87 That shit fun as hell, bro. I hope that shit don't never stop.
I have so much fun.

Speaker 35 Tell me about the road part, not the shows.

Speaker 114 What's it like being out with Martin Phillips and stuff?

Speaker 76 I don't go out with that nigga.

Speaker 58 I do. You do? Yeah, I do.
I have time. I have patience.

Speaker 87 I already be riding the car with you.

Speaker 96 Dude, when it's windy outside,

Speaker 44 we're going wherever the wind takes us. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 53 Martin ain't fighting wind.

Speaker 68 You know, Martin Phillips towards the direction and hopes for the best.

Speaker 87 You know, Martin Phillips drives from show to show.

Speaker 89 I'm driving, I'm in his car.

Speaker 16 I know.

Speaker 58 You got my steps.

Speaker 105 I'm scary as shit, dude. I take edibles and I just watch Martin drive.

Speaker 68 Dude, we're overtaking people.

Speaker 117 We're smoking weed.

Speaker 93 It's crazy.

Speaker 89 You should see when people look in the car and they're like, he's driving?

Speaker 87 Goddamn right.

Speaker 88 That shit weird as hell, bro.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 118 Hell yeah.

Speaker 119 My goodness.

Speaker 88 You should join us on one, though.

Speaker 63 That should have been.

Speaker 9 I'll pop in on one. People always ask, where's Tony?

Speaker 45 Yeah, that's a separate.

Speaker 87 I'd be like, somewhere getting fucked.

Speaker 23 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 58 How dare you?

Speaker 86 What do you eat when you're on the road?

Speaker 82 Everybody. Everything.

Speaker 89 You should see the rider when in the group chat.

Speaker 68 Everyone gets their order.

Speaker 89 You should see this motherfucker.

Speaker 44 Please tell.

Speaker 81 Please give me the fucking.

Speaker 4 Wait, talk, I wish I had my phone.

Speaker 87 Nigga, the fucking Russian that killed Apollo Creed is Charlie Rosamond.

Speaker 67 I must distort you.

Speaker 63 Get the fuck out of here, boy.

Speaker 87 With that goddamn wham, bam. Sure, though.
Nigga, that shit look like comic, comic book.

Speaker 49 The way he keeps doing jokes, I can tell there's a lot on this rider.

Speaker 100 I want to know more about the riders.

Speaker 69 No! Don't

Speaker 69 worry about it.

Speaker 32 Two rotisserie chickens.

Speaker 7 Oh, dude.

Speaker 31 Three packs of watermelon cool-ado

Speaker 116 the producers are like this is not an easy rider

Speaker 44 it literally just looks like a list of stereotypes

Speaker 82 one uh cd burner

Speaker 95 this guy's got one hell of a chicken bucket list one fire detector with no batteries

Speaker 115 Hey, man, fuck you, nigga.

Speaker 87 You go ask for an avocado-sized Ibiprof, nigga. Big head at.

Speaker 14 Three job applications.

Speaker 58 Tony, you see.

Speaker 14 A probation officer live in the flash.

Speaker 43 David Lucas' rider, everybody.

Speaker 28 That's

Speaker 100 what's waiting for you in green rooms.

Speaker 25 If you guys want to see what your job is.

Speaker 78 Pickles and cucumbers.

Speaker 27 I'm surprised you know what those vegetables are, David.

Speaker 4 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 78 How dare you. Son of a bitch.

Speaker 100 We're having fun here.

Speaker 43 David, you are the greatest person to get a show started.

Speaker 40 You are so much fun.

Speaker 29 Anything else you want to say to this audience?

Speaker 64 What do you say to these people?

Speaker 9 No, y'all know where to find me at.

Speaker 64 David.

Speaker 81 Look at this Indian guy with the backwards hat trying to.

Speaker 102 That's an Indian.

Speaker 87 That nigga black as hell.

Speaker 87 That nigga look like a character on Mortal Kombat You Can't Unlock.

Speaker 31 That motherfucker black as shit, boy.

Speaker 63 What the fuck?

Speaker 87 He really put the N in Indian.

Speaker 88 God damn.

Speaker 123 That is why I know.

Speaker 19 You Indian for real?

Speaker 76 You ain't a nigga?

Speaker 92 God damn, bro.

Speaker 49 That's why I know.

Speaker 124 Because I was looking.

Speaker 58 I'm like, oh, thank God we have a cool black.

Speaker 9 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 74 Ah, it's a fucking...

Speaker 27 It's a tech guy from San Francisco.

Speaker 58 Am I right?

Speaker 42 You work in tech?

Speaker 126 You grew up here, but you work in tech.

Speaker 58 Yes, of course.

Speaker 103 Of course I do.

Speaker 23 I'm from Austin. Don't ever say say your proposal.

Speaker 63 You got out of tech part, right?

Speaker 23 But you're a rural size of the go again. I swear to God, I'm from Texas.

Speaker 6 I have multiple guns.

Speaker 112 Nine millimeter.

Speaker 87 He is a black.

Speaker 78 He blackest shit. He is.

Speaker 29 This is the darkest Indian I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 87 You could see his red dot if he had one.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Looks like a slum doggy dog.

Speaker 87 He worked at 7-Eleven and still out of the cash register.

Speaker 81 It looks like he'd fly an airplane into a KFC.

Speaker 87 If he tried to fly one, it'd run out of gas before he hit a building.

Speaker 12 And he definitely wouldn't have insurance on his airplane.

Speaker 87 No seatbelts on his plane, boy.

Speaker 87 Yo, ass be holding on like you riding the train.

Speaker 58 But two 12-inch subwoofers for some reason in the cockpit.

Speaker 99 All right, David Lucas, you're the man.

Speaker 49 You got it started.

Speaker 36 Here we go. It's on.

Speaker 83 Kill Tony live from Vulcan Gas Company.

Speaker 61 That's the Kill Tony Hall of Famer right there starting the show. David Lucas, one of four members of the Hall of Fame.

Speaker 100 All right.

Speaker 61 This is your first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 113 This is where anything can happen.

Speaker 61 Maybe it's a local top-rising young comedian. Maybe it's someone that's been trying for years to get on this show.
Maybe it's a completely insane person.

Speaker 61 anything can happen this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from taylor neely everybody

Speaker 61 taylor neely is starting the bucket portion of the show

Speaker 10 here we go make some noise one more time for taylor neely everyone

Speaker 115 I recently found out I'm 2% Italian, so I have been hitting my girlfriend.

Speaker 115 I got some bad news today. My veterinarian called and told me my dog is sick.
Like he's really shut up. Yeah, he's really fucking sick.
Like he can't stop riding skateboards and smoking cigarettes.

Speaker 89 My dog is sick, dude.

Speaker 115 Are you guys afraid of artificial intelligence?

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 115 I'm not, but I have smoked crack, cocaine. with the homeless and that is something chat GPT cannot do.

Speaker 115 After this, actually, I'm going to order a Waymo and have it drive me off a bridge.

Speaker 115 The other day, you ever see someone in the front seat of a Waymo? It looks like they're having their imaginary friend drive the car.

Speaker 115 The other day, I saw a homeless person washing the windshield on a Waymo.

Speaker 115 It's a driverless car. Also, there was no one in that car.
It was a personless car.

Speaker 115 Thank you.

Speaker 107 All right.

Speaker 109 Taylor Neely, you've been on this show before, correct?

Speaker 33 Yes. Welcome back.

Speaker 58 How long has it been?

Speaker 63 October.

Speaker 131 Okay. Do you sign up every week?

Speaker 115 Pretty much.

Speaker 29 All right. How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 115 A little over four years. Four years.

Speaker 99 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 115 No, in Atlanta before this.

Speaker 39 Okay. How long have you been here?

Speaker 115 Since August.

Speaker 119 Since August.

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 24 All right. How's this different than Atlanta? Tell the people around the world how Austin's different than Atlanta.

Speaker 115 Let's all say it together. Less black.

Speaker 44 That's true.

Speaker 67 That's true.

Speaker 115 It's a true thing. I'm not making that up.
It's not racist. It's just a true thing.

Speaker 97 I thought, I want to give an honest critique of your set.

Speaker 97 I thought when you stopped trying to be shocking, which you were trying to do at the beginning,

Speaker 97 and when you stopped saying things that were obviously fake about your dog playing Xbox, whatever the fuck that fake was, when you started to actually say real things you saw, you started getting big laughs, man.

Speaker 96 Stick to that shit.

Speaker 97 Stick to the real shit, dude.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Well, I wanted to. Last time I was here, I didn't, I did like audience call and response stuff.
And Tony, you didn't like that as much. So I wanted to.

Speaker 125 Neither did the crowd or the viewers at home.

Speaker 38 I like that you're putting it on me.

Speaker 67 Well,

Speaker 69 nobody liked it.

Speaker 43 It's not like I have some irrational

Speaker 8 viewpoint.

Speaker 105 You almost went into the crowd during your set, so you almost went off.

Speaker 115 Someone was talking.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 96 Yeah, we noticed when you said shut the fuck up.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 63 We were aware.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 115 But

Speaker 115 I just wanted to do a bunch of jokes back to back is what I wanted to do. That was my plan, and I did that.

Speaker 9 Okay. Well, you did your plan.

Speaker 120 Jokes back to back.

Speaker 19 Next time, do good ones.

Speaker 106 What do you do for work?

Speaker 115 Handyman.

Speaker 128 You're a handyman.

Speaker 41 You have huge forearms, I'm noticing.

Speaker 58 You have Popeye-like forearms.

Speaker 115 I did wrestle from first grade to senior of high school.

Speaker 92 So in Ohio.

Speaker 58 Wow.

Speaker 44 So you're originally from Ohio?

Speaker 115 Yes, Columbus. Okay.
I was just outside Youngstown, actually.

Speaker 76 What were you doing outside of Youngstown?

Speaker 115 I was visiting my friend who lives in Boardman. Nothing cool, just visiting my friend.

Speaker 119 That's where the rich kids are from.

Speaker 115 Is that true? It seemed like a nice area, because I know some areas aren't.

Speaker 45 Yeah, Youngstown's

Speaker 60 Boardman's a township outside that people say when they move to other cities, they go I'm from Youngstown and I can always tell they go boardman yeah because they look normal and human yeah like they had parents and water as a kid yeah it's a whole thing people from youngstown get it don't worry about it not the victim

Speaker 115 what do you do for fun Taylor for fun I golf I love to golf

Speaker 115 go to the gym I'm sober so I have to not drink

Speaker 105 why are you sober

Speaker 115 Because I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.

Speaker 88 I'll smoke crack.

Speaker 115 Yeah, I'll smoke crack cocaine immediately.

Speaker 2 Really? You've smoked crack cocaine?

Speaker 58 What was bottom?

Speaker 9 What was bottom?

Speaker 115 Bottom?

Speaker 103 There's lower than crack cocaine?

Speaker 23 Yeah, but I want to know

Speaker 81 the worst thing that.

Speaker 33 No, I'm not saying drugs worse.

Speaker 27 I want to know what's the most regretful night of crack you've ever done.

Speaker 139 Sucking up.

Speaker 102 The world wants to know, and now he answers the question.

Speaker 115 Well, since I've been to Austin, I've been to the psych ward twice.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 58 Wow.

Speaker 81 Turns out bottom is in the basement

Speaker 97 Why are you not talking about that in your act?

Speaker 96 That's that's the shit you got to do instead of your dogs riding a fucking skateboard around town. Yeah, you're in a goddamn psych ward.

Speaker 33 Turns out your dog's healthier than you are.

Speaker 33 Tell us about the psych ward.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Well, I was on the regular floor, like for sad people.

Speaker 31 The regular floor?

Speaker 78 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 115 The floor, no, the regular sad people floor and the floor above are like the the real crazy people.

Speaker 115 We went into this like gymnasium one day, and there was this guy just like, some people you see out on 6th Street, like legitimately crazy people, and he started yelling about Joe Biden and saying this was Joe Biden's fault, and just, you know.

Speaker 58 Well, that guy's right.

Speaker 14 He's not that crazy.

Speaker 44 That guy sounds like a genius to me.

Speaker 32 That's the same shit I was saying. And I wasn't in the psych ward at all.

Speaker 107 I love, though.

Speaker 72 I love that no matter how low of a bottom somebody hits, they always think there's somebody worse.

Speaker 44 Right.

Speaker 58 So he's in a psych ward and and they're like no no no the really crazy people are up there no no no you're on the normal crazy you're showing signs of improvement you're doing good stick with us here your program's almost up those guys are gonna be here forever those ones that are right about modern day politics

Speaker 126 okay taylor give us one more crazy fun fact about you One more crazy fun fact about me.

Speaker 115 Oh, Guy Fieri paid me $1,000 one time.

Speaker 41 Okay, let's go back, actually.

Speaker 128 So when you say you've been to the psych ward here twice, was that immediately after like crazy crack benders?

Speaker 115 No, it's just it was alcohol withdrawal and I said I was gonna kill myself. Oh,

Speaker 9 what floor is that?

Speaker 63 Regular?

Speaker 68 How what kill yourself is first floor or second or third?

Speaker 115 Second floor, third floor is

Speaker 63 third. That's what that's what I want to do.

Speaker 115 Real crazies, second is just sad alcoholics, and one is administrative, I guess.

Speaker 51 How close did you come to actually killing yourself, do you think?

Speaker 115 I don't know. When you get to alcohol withdrawal, DTs are pretty rough, and you're shaking and seeing bugs out of the corner of your eye, and it sucks a lot.

Speaker 115 And I had like guns out in my apartment and my friend came over and then he called the police.

Speaker 69 It was more for a cry of help.

Speaker 115 I don't know if I would have done it.

Speaker 24 How much were you drinking right before then to have those types of withdrawals?

Speaker 115 Oh, this is the most pussy shit ever. I drank twisted teas for like 24 hours a day.

Speaker 58 24 hours a day.

Speaker 89 Such a funny alcoholic.

Speaker 63 Twisted teas, dude. Put him on the first floor.
Twisted teas, dog.

Speaker 9 Put him on the first floor.

Speaker 58 He's not crazy.

Speaker 85 He's just a pussy.

Speaker 89 Suicidal over a tea?

Speaker 53 Twist the tea. Fuck out of here, dude.

Speaker 109 Aw, somebody have too much tea.

Speaker 67 Too much tea.

Speaker 105 Crack and twisted tea.

Speaker 63 I love it.

Speaker 43 Oh my God.

Speaker 26 Turns out I have all the tea.

Speaker 37 24 hours of tea.

Speaker 134 Just fucking twist it.

Speaker 23 Holy shit, man.

Speaker 143 So 24 hours a day, let's talk about the amount.

Speaker 142 Let's talk about a measurable amount.

Speaker 115 Are we talking tall cans? I don't know, because I think once you go through DTs the first time, your body goes to it quicker the second time. And it's just

Speaker 115 probably 30 to 50 12 ounce cans a day.

Speaker 58 That's a lot of sugar.

Speaker 115 Is that a lot? Yeah, no, yeah.

Speaker 78 It's also the sh sugar.

Speaker 8 There's a lot of sugar.

Speaker 95 I think David Lucas has your same addiction.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 58 He does the non-alcoholic twisted tea.

Speaker 107 Hey, yo, give me 30, 50 cans of that motherfucking.

Speaker 25 All right, Taylor. So

Speaker 62 that's crazy. That's wild.
What would you do in these states of mind? 30, 50 twisted teas in.

Speaker 82 Oh,

Speaker 115 watch college football and

Speaker 115 watch

Speaker 115 watch Bob does sports on YouTube, watch YouTube videos and pass out and come to watching long-form golf videos.

Speaker 76 Wow. I went to the Psych Ward

Speaker 115 when Ohio State played Oregon. I passed out halfway through that game.

Speaker 115 And then I went to the Psych Ward that night.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 140 That was a rough game.

Speaker 96 Hey, but guess who won it all, Tony?

Speaker 6 We got him back, buddy. O-H.
All right.

Speaker 39 My friend, congratulations.

Speaker 51 Fun times.

Speaker 74 Interesting stuff.

Speaker 45 I agree with Joe, rough start, but at the end you picked it up.

Speaker 13 Fucking talk about your crazy life, dude.

Speaker 15 People will find you more interesting.

Speaker 18 You come across as a fucking sober Jesse Pinkman.

Speaker 35 You gotta fucking get into the good shit.

Speaker 21 Give us that good shit.

Speaker 22 You guys having fun yet?

Speaker 113 Oh my god, it's Heidi.

Speaker 92 Holy shit. Holy shit.

Speaker 63 Alright.

Speaker 141 Hello, Nigel here.

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Speaker 63 Be wise all.

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Speaker 147 Icy Hot, you're so back.

Speaker 61 All right, make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen. It's Aaron West.

Speaker 63 Aaron West.

Speaker 61 How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

Speaker 61 How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Speaker 61 All right, well, we'll see what happens here.

Speaker 63 Aaron West.

Speaker 63 Okay,

Speaker 61 here we go.

Speaker 114 Any second.

Speaker 61 She's coming from the east.

Speaker 63 Here he is.

Speaker 61 Make some noise one more time for Aaron West.

Speaker 79 Well, howdy, howdy, howdy, y'all.

Speaker 148 Welcome to a little place I like to call.

Speaker 63 Texas.

Speaker 110 No, I've never been there before.

Speaker 149 Never been to this building. So tonight I was a little bit confused.
You see, I was turning the corner and I saw an ocean of homeless people and a giant-ass line to the front door.

Speaker 149 And I thought, well, damn, that place must have some pretty good soup.

Speaker 115 You see, you know it's a good soup kitchen when people with shoes start lining up.

Speaker 149 Didn't know whether to get the hobo bisque or the cream of vagrant.

Speaker 149 Same soup, but a little more

Speaker 149 floaters. Now, folks,

Speaker 149 today I saw a sports car. I know what you're thinking, fellas.

Speaker 69 Sports car?

Speaker 8 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 149 This is a Dodge Challenger.

Speaker 76 Easy, bubba.

Speaker 149 And it had a decal on it that said, scat pack.

Speaker 63 Now, call me old-fashioned, but isn't packing scat just a fancy term for butt sex?

Speaker 149 This is my impersonation of a Hispanic man working at a Burger King moments after Dolly Parton walks out.

Speaker 149 Oh, hot button.

Speaker 9 You see her?

Speaker 63 She had some impossible whoppers.

Speaker 91 That's it. All right.

Speaker 23 Aaron West.

Speaker 130 I like your style, man.

Speaker 54 You're a silly goose. I'm a little out there.

Speaker 31 Yeah, I like it.

Speaker 50 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 92 On and off, but mainly off for about 10 years. Okay.

Speaker 92 Hell yeah.

Speaker 73 Why off?

Speaker 72 Why are you stopping?

Speaker 153 I

Speaker 149 liked to drink new cocaine a lot more than I liked to sit down and write.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 154 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Amazing. Not anymore.

Speaker 109 Let's talk a little bit more about this here.

Speaker 149 It's a common theme.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 70 So

Speaker 21 what's your lowest point?

Speaker 149 Yeah, I mean, similar, you know, you get to a point where...

Speaker 58 Second floor?

Speaker 90 Oh.

Speaker 78 Oh, I'm at the basement.

Speaker 85 I'm at the basement with a shovel.

Speaker 149 No, probably the last day I drank.

Speaker 92 Oh.

Speaker 149 The last day I drank, folks, it was like any other day.

Speaker 149 Except for I wasn't as drunk as I wanted to be.

Speaker 149 I was too drunk.

Speaker 139 And the next day I woke up with a tattoo of a...

Speaker 149 lobster with boobs on my arm

Speaker 85 and that's when i knew put the cap on the bottle and put it in the basement man and that's where I was heading basement with a shovel wow

Speaker 153 you fit in just right around here

Speaker 122 what do you do for work I work at a restaurant you're a waiter yeah yeah

Speaker 8 how

Speaker 58 how old are you uh 35 35

Speaker 34 okay what do you do for fun

Speaker 63 well

Speaker 149 I I write a lot I make little wacky videos

Speaker 150 They're called beef squeaks.

Speaker 33 Beef squeaks. Explain to us what those are.

Speaker 149 It's like a one-man show.

Speaker 149 It's me doing multiple characters. Kind of like this, but a little more zany.

Speaker 105 Yeah. It gets zanier.

Speaker 45 It does. Okay.

Speaker 58 Yeah, it really does.

Speaker 149 When it's just me and a camera,

Speaker 29 lock the doors.

Speaker 21 That is the perfect word to describe him, is zany.

Speaker 99 He's extremely zany.

Speaker 86 Speaking of which, Joe DeRosa is performing at Zaney's in Nashville June 27th and 28th.

Speaker 141 That was very nice. Thank you.

Speaker 58 Thank you.

Speaker 37 Because he's also Zaney.

Speaker 89 I am Zaney.

Speaker 95 I hope to see you all there.

Speaker 96 I enjoy your zaniness.

Speaker 101 I think if you figure out a way to be a little more organic with the mugging stuff, the meh,

Speaker 141 you know, that stuff.

Speaker 116 I feel like if you figure out a way to organically weave that in a little bit more, it's going to be a really strong suit for you.

Speaker 101 But I thought your jokes are really funny, man.

Speaker 150 That soup joke is really fucking funny.

Speaker 94 Appreciate it.

Speaker 32 Yeah, seriously.

Speaker 23 Are you married?

Speaker 149 No, it's uh, I wear this for sobriety.

Speaker 149 It's like a promise to myself.

Speaker 4 Okay, wow.

Speaker 149 I meant to leave it in my pocket, but they were wanding me down, and I put it on my finger.

Speaker 39 Incredible. How long have you had that sobriety ring on your finger?

Speaker 8 Uh,

Speaker 149 so I guess I was serious about sobriety once I hit a year, and I'm four and a half years now.

Speaker 106 Nice.

Speaker 45 Thanks. Very good.

Speaker 37 It's really wild doing this sober.

Speaker 149 Like I'm it's really wild. I've never done comedy sober.

Speaker 63 Interesting.

Speaker 24 You mean till ten.

Speaker 155 Yes.

Speaker 149 I hadn't done comedy in about seven, eight years.

Speaker 47 This is your first time doing it in seven years.

Speaker 99 I've been doing it sober, yes.

Speaker 58 Incredible. Wow.

Speaker 45 Amazing.

Speaker 48 A lot of people, when they get sober from a crippling addiction, they fill their lives with another addiction.

Speaker 56 What do you think that addiction is since you haven't done stand-up since then?

Speaker 80 It must be something else.

Speaker 63 Is it women rollerblading

Speaker 149 what is it or if they're walking uh no um i like uh

Speaker 149 i like i i collect artwork paintings i have a lot of like a crazy amount of paintings it's like kind of disgusting whoa wow like you see some gold diggers right up there

Speaker 149 uh i mean floor to ceiling my place is like you know the like etsing gallery walls like every single wall is covered it's it's kind of like people walk into my place and they're like set back a little bit it's a tiny little apartment um in a nicer area, but it's super cheap.

Speaker 149 I tell people it's like it's a forgotten apartment complex because all these like mansions were built around it. And they're like, well, the pool boy has to live somewhere.

Speaker 81 And like, those are our fucking apartments.

Speaker 133 What are the paintings of?

Speaker 149 I mainly, I personally love paintings of

Speaker 149 like 18th century, like kind of like Mr. Burns, like creepy men.

Speaker 37 Like, that's like what I have.

Speaker 58 You look like a creepy Mr.

Speaker 9 Burns.

Speaker 89 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 45 A young Mr. Burns.

Speaker 141 That's why people get creeped out.

Speaker 72 Every painting in your house looks like a painting.

Speaker 96 You cut the eyes out of to spy on people.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 13 It's a lot of people that look like you.

Speaker 63 Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 86 There's a young, unsuccessful David Copperfield in there.

Speaker 103 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 76 Are you Greek?

Speaker 63 Am I what?

Speaker 76 Are you Greek? No.

Speaker 92 Latino, right?

Speaker 110 You're into Latino fashion, I see.

Speaker 86 Well, thank you.

Speaker 21 You did that as a joke earlier, Redban.

Speaker 100 That was a thing.

Speaker 63 Remember, you did it.

Speaker 149 No, I'm German and German and Cherokee.

Speaker 58 You're German and what?

Speaker 101 And Cherokee Indian.

Speaker 63 What the fuck happened there?

Speaker 132 I don't know.

Speaker 8 We hate to party with him.

Speaker 63 Yeah, I don't know. Wow.

Speaker 22 All right, Aaron. Fun times, buddy.

Speaker 32 I liked your set.

Speaker 21 Here's a big joke book.

Speaker 45 Boom. Good.
Aaron West. On to the next one we go.

Speaker 96 Fascinating, man. Keep doing it.

Speaker 93 Start doing it.

Speaker 68 After seven years, that's going to be a good one.

Speaker 89 Start doing it.

Speaker 8 I'm going to come back.

Speaker 107 Take care.

Speaker 10 Hell yeah. There he goes.

Speaker 45 Aaron West, everybody.

Speaker 156 Fun times.

Speaker 50 That's your kind of guy.

Speaker 125 He's a real hipster.

Speaker 29 He's got paintings on his wall. You're like...

Speaker 44 Joe DeRosa is a hip guy.

Speaker 98 I feel like if I got sober, I would act like that.

Speaker 37 You would.

Speaker 95 Which is why I keep drinking.

Speaker 140 What's up, everybody? Whoa!

Speaker 79 Yeah, thanks for having me, Tony.

Speaker 158 I'll be at Zane East.

Speaker 10 All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Cynthia Brazil, everybody.

Speaker 47 Cynthia Brazil.

Speaker 61 Here she is.

Speaker 39 One more time for Cynthia, everyone.

Speaker 7 Ladies, I am thick and tired.

Speaker 147 Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush because I am Brazilian. We don't do bushes.

Speaker 147 But as a woman, in order to savor two ounces of sausage, I have to put up with a 200-pound pig.

Speaker 147 And I don't hate men, I shave my armpits.

Speaker 147 But for example, if girls fuck boys, they're called sluts. If men do the exact same, they win an island.

Speaker 147 I'm not talking about Jeff Epstein. I'm talking about fuck Boy Island.

Speaker 147 Not the TV show, the Vatican.

Speaker 45 Hallelujah. That's my time.

Speaker 33 Okay, Cynthia Brazil.

Speaker 41 Man, what's crazy about that set is that the fuckboy island thing would have worked had we already not been convinced that you weren't funny before that.

Speaker 44 Ouch.

Speaker 67 Everything. Shut up.

Speaker 89 I loved her.

Speaker 58 Really?

Speaker 63 Shut up, Tony.

Speaker 159 That was amazing.

Speaker 89 Cynthia. Wow.

Speaker 159 That That was incredible, Cynthia.

Speaker 159 I can totally mentor you later.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Cynthia. Shut up, Tony.

Speaker 150 Voice of a generation, Cynthia.

Speaker 49 Cynthia, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 147 A little less than three years.

Speaker 109 Have you been on the show before?

Speaker 64 Nope. Okay, less than three years.

Speaker 129 Where at?

Speaker 147 I'm at the Ding Dong Show every Monday with Don Barris.

Speaker 69 That's right.

Speaker 147 I've done Australia.

Speaker 86 How long have you been on the Ding Dong show?

Speaker 147 It's going to be a year next month.

Speaker 160 Wow, that is so cool.

Speaker 121 I did not know that.

Speaker 75 So

Speaker 57 you've been doing the Ding Dong Show every Monday for a year.

Speaker 39 Yes.

Speaker 80 And what do you do on the Ding Dong show?

Speaker 135 For those of you that don't know, the Ding Dong Show is famously the longest running show at the comedy store.

Speaker 51 It's not particularly a stand-up show.

Speaker 80 It's led by the great Don Barris, who's been our guest numerous times, the creator of the great movie Windy City Heat.

Speaker 86 And he has a very,

Speaker 56 how would you describe the show?

Speaker 147 It's hard to describe. I do stand-up.
Nicole Tran is in it too. She does stand up.

Speaker 147 But there are some people that do their stuff and they're a little bit, you know, crazy. Well, you know, you're familiar with the people that come here, a little autistic, a little crazy.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 147 And, you know, we welcome everyone.

Speaker 61 Absolutely.

Speaker 126 It's a very open format. So

Speaker 147 how long of a set do you do there on mondays uh now i've been doing six but before it was like 10 15 sometimes but but then dawn is amazing dawn and mary jane so it's been really good to be over there learning from them and all that stuff how many spots a week do you live in la i do and so like you get out a lot and do spots open mics and stuff i do yeah i um i did like a mini tour in florida with phil medina and uh jason schuster i did east coast i've done australia how do you make money let her finish.

Speaker 28 Two shots of whiskey in the green room.

Speaker 67 What would have happened if you would have done three?

Speaker 58 Go ahead, my angel.

Speaker 105 I have another tour for you, by the way.

Speaker 147 Bottle service and bartending.

Speaker 9 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 86 Okay. That's in L.A.

Speaker 147 Yes, that's in LA.

Speaker 63 All right.

Speaker 80 You do bottle service in L.A. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 65 De-Madness, I found a new all-blind bar you can go to.

Speaker 30 It's for blind people that don't care how hot the bottle service girls are.

Speaker 103 Wow. Nobody? Tony, what the fuck?

Speaker 58 I'm kidding.

Speaker 147 It's a rain twice today.

Speaker 22 Okay, I'm kidding, Cynthia.

Speaker 28 It's an ongoing joke between me and Ari.

Speaker 128 He likes you.

Speaker 86 We're doing good, good, cop out.

Speaker 89 Tony, I'm leaving the show.

Speaker 66 Out.

Speaker 162 Cynthia, what do you do for fun? You have kids?

Speaker 4 No. Okay.
Yes.

Speaker 100 Oh, Red Band.

Speaker 49 Oh, Red Band's got a chance all of a sudden.

Speaker 159 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 31 You know how to do make body shots?

Speaker 8 Nothing.

Speaker 147 Not that kind of club.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 26 Anyway.

Speaker 35 Cynthia, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 147 I don't know.

Speaker 147 I don't go go out as much now because I'm at a concert venue like three times a week. So just, you know, hiking, go to the gym, go to the movies.
I started with acting before I.

Speaker 44 Did you ever do any acting?

Speaker 163 Yeah.

Speaker 164 What did you play?

Speaker 147 Well,

Speaker 147 there's a lot of like credits on AMDB.

Speaker 147 So I've done like action movies. I've done like a kids' show too

Speaker 147 where I got to sing. That was a really cheesy one.

Speaker 75 Why don't we do a little acting scene?

Speaker 23 Oh, no. Why don't we do?

Speaker 36 Ari Maddie is a secret agent.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 93 Ari Maddie is a secret agent, and the only way you're going to let her out of the interrogation...

Speaker 96 The only way you're going to let her out of the interrogation is she has to sing to you.

Speaker 78 Whoa.

Speaker 63 Le lon, le long, lele.

Speaker 63 No. Shakida.

Speaker 147 That was Shakita. Okay.

Speaker 26 Here we go.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 4 Ladies and gentlemen, this summer,

Speaker 29 what happens when an Estonian secret agent has to interrogate a blonde chick?

Speaker 68 Cynthia, my angel, we have to save the world.

Speaker 91 Okay.

Speaker 89 That's good, improvise.

Speaker 105 We have to save the world, Cynthia. And for this to happen, to stop the nuclear attack on America.

Speaker 147 We have to kill Tony.

Speaker 49 That's good acting. That's good improvising right there.

Speaker 36 Keep going. Keep going.

Speaker 105 Cynthia, you must sing.

Speaker 7 Whoa.

Speaker 58 Shakira's pretty good.

Speaker 147 Hips don't lie, but men do.

Speaker 147 I called you men. Most people call you gay.
I was respectful.

Speaker 4 Okay, all right.

Speaker 27 Very good. I can't understand anything you're saying.

Speaker 138 It's all good. We're not alone.

Speaker 123 It's all good.

Speaker 147 Yes.

Speaker 44 All right. Great scene, guys.

Speaker 54 Great scene.

Speaker 132 unbelievable

Speaker 105 that was great Cynthia once-in-a-lifetime experience literally amazing Daniel Day Lewis

Speaker 105 it's your mind that I'm interested not your body

Speaker 28 Cynthia did you have fun here tonight oh so much fun so grateful here you go here's a medium joke book you're gonna be able to catch it believe in yourself there you go Cynthia

Speaker 165 I'm not going to be able to catch it.

Speaker 165 I'm not going to be able to catch it.

Speaker 28 There she goes. Cynthia Brazil, everybody.

Speaker 157 Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did.
The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5.

Speaker 157 Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 166 Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 136 I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone.

Speaker 151 Lowe's knows Sundays hit different when you earn them.

Speaker 136 We've got you covered with outdoor power equipment from Cobalt and everything you need to weatherproof your deck with Trex decking.

Speaker 136 Plus, with lawn care from Scotts and of course, pit boss grills and accessories, you can get a home field advantage all season long. So get to Lowe's, get it done, and earn your Sunday.

Speaker 46 Lowe's, official partner of the NFL.

Speaker 22 This looks like a fun next name.

Speaker 99 Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody.

Speaker 142 It's Mushroom Matt.

Speaker 28 Mushroom matte.

Speaker 86 This is definitely a first time.

Speaker 65 Could be a mat we've seen before on mushrooms.

Speaker 23 Or it's just a new comedian.

Speaker 80 Mushroom matte. I would know if I've seen a mushroom mat before.

Speaker 60 How many of you like oxygen out there?

Speaker 10 How many of you like air?

Speaker 65 How many of you like a cold water on a hot day?

Speaker 63 Fuck yeah, one more time for mushroom mat everybody

Speaker 138 Alright, my love life has been cursed from the jump.

Speaker 73 First girl I hooked up with, lost my virginity, gained chlamydia.

Speaker 138 Didn't even know I had it for over a year. I thought I was getting that burning sensation because my girlfriend had a spicy pussy.

Speaker 138 Okay, I realize that sounds childish. I was 16.
I wasn't even surprised when I started getting that burn.

Speaker 111 I mean, she literally said her pussy was fire.

Speaker 138 On top of that, the bitch would eat hot Cheetos for breakfast.

Speaker 115 If pineapples make your body fluids taste sweet, what the fuck do you think that's gonna do?

Speaker 138 Here's the sick, twisted.

Speaker 138 Here's the sick, twisted part about the whole ordeal. When I did find out how to come in, I didn't want the cure.

Speaker 89 Turns out, I liked it.

Speaker 138 Okay, I realize that sounds sick. Let me try to explain.

Speaker 159 I love spicy food.

Speaker 166 If I can order something spicy, I do. Fried rice, spicy.

Speaker 138 Salsa, spicy. Ramen, spicy as hell.
Sex, spicy, please.

Speaker 138 Y'all don't realize the head of your dick and the tip of your tongue are like cousins.

Speaker 115 Chlamydia is pretty much a sexual slaughter.

Speaker 138 It spices up the bedroom.

Speaker 76 It is hot sauce for your hot dog.

Speaker 139 All right, thank you.

Speaker 108 Okay, mushroom mat.

Speaker 29 I've never had a guy talk about pussy his whole set, and yet we're all positive you're gay.

Speaker 35 It's incredible.

Speaker 78 Damn, really?

Speaker 29 You are deep in the closet, mushroom man.

Speaker 132 No!

Speaker 58 Victory stream.

Speaker 154 You got to relax, man.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 72 It's not good to deliver your set like a car salesman who, if he doesn't make the sale, he's going to lose his job.

Speaker 58 Just chill out, bro. Okay, okay.

Speaker 138 I'm very anti-guide normally.

Speaker 139 I have like really high energy.

Speaker 106 Are you on mushrooms?

Speaker 138 No. Well, like, it depends on what you consider on.

Speaker 85 I micro-dose everybody.

Speaker 58 Well, yeah, that's on. Okay.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 96 What the fuck is going on anymore in the society?

Speaker 58 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 81 Depends on what you consider on.

Speaker 125 Every day, that's some Jordan Peterson shit right there, right?

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 45 depends what you consider on.

Speaker 35 You're on it, buddy.

Speaker 77 That's mushrooms.

Speaker 21 You do it every day? Yeah. What else do you do every day?

Speaker 155 That's about it.

Speaker 138 I mean, I smoke weed as well.

Speaker 58 Matt, that's plenty.

Speaker 72 Don't add anything else to that equation.

Speaker 41 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 138 About three years.

Speaker 44 What do you do for work?

Speaker 138 I am a bartender at the Line Hotel.

Speaker 126 Okay. How long have you been doing that for?

Speaker 138 About a month. I just moved out here about three months ago.
From where?

Speaker 155 The Bay Area.

Speaker 67 Ooh, the Bay Area.

Speaker 23 It's raining back!

Speaker 103 No doubt about it.

Speaker 98 You might be the first bartender in history where a customer doesn't have a problem ever getting another drink.

Speaker 14 What do you need? What do you need? What do you need?

Speaker 23 No, exactly.

Speaker 138 I'm very quick. Very quick.
I can make 20 drinks in five minutes.

Speaker 62 Is that true?

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 74 We're gonna put that to the test right after this set, everybody.

Speaker 58 Wait.

Speaker 100 Okay.

Speaker 131 What do you do for fun, mushroom, Matt?

Speaker 138 So I'm really good at catching birds.

Speaker 58 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 33 You do that with like

Speaker 33 hands?

Speaker 138 Well, yeah, so like usually it's with the I have like my brothers.

Speaker 138 We will dig a hole at the beach and then I'll hide inside of the hole under a towel and then my brothers will throw bread on top and then we'll catch the seagulls.

Speaker 89 Bro, do less rooms. Dude.

Speaker 98 Matt, why the fuck do you do that?

Speaker 84 It's...

Speaker 96 God damn it.

Speaker 115 Why do people go fishing? It's for the thrill.

Speaker 115 Right? I mean, it's the same thing. I like to fish too.

Speaker 159 Going fishing and catching birds are not the same thing.

Speaker 89 And seagulls are easy to catch, man.

Speaker 138 Yeah, it's fun too.

Speaker 27 How many birds do you think you've caught in your life?

Speaker 138 Probably are in like double digits, at least 13.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 25 At least 13 birds have been caught.

Speaker 50 And have any ever shown any signs of injury after you're going to be?

Speaker 138 No, no, absolutely. No.
I show more signs of injury. I caught a goose one times and it smacked me in the face with its wing.

Speaker 63 Wow.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 95 Just when you thought a seagull's life couldn't get any shittier.

Speaker 103 How long?

Speaker 13 What do you want to drink, seagull?

Speaker 31 My pussy's burning.

Speaker 95 This is is a spicy seagull.

Speaker 27 This seagull smells like shit.

Speaker 31 I like it.

Speaker 26 All right.

Speaker 27 Mushroom matte. Why do you go by the name mushroom matte if you're just micro-dosing?

Speaker 138 Well, I do macro-dose every once in a while as well. I've done an ounce before.

Speaker 45 You've done an ounce before at once.

Speaker 138 My birthday three years ago. It was a good time.

Speaker 62 What exactly happened after you did an ounce?

Speaker 166 Everything got super weird.

Speaker 159 I think it's still pretty weird.

Speaker 85 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 22 I mean, that's eight times more than a lot.

Speaker 32 So

Speaker 29 things get super weird when I do a fraction of that. How do you explain super weird?

Speaker 41 The birds were catching me.

Speaker 27 They put me in a towel. I was just nibbling on their bread and they grabbed me.

Speaker 38 I'm straight.

Speaker 27 Get off me birds, you bitches.

Speaker 134 Bitches, birds.

Speaker 138 Noah, everything kind of just feels like you're in a haunted house. It kind of gets scary.
It feels like there's spirits running around, but like sometimes they talk to you and you make friends.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 51 Do you remember what any of the spirits told you?

Speaker 138 They told me not to do that many mushrooms again.

Speaker 58 Okay. So I really? Yeah.

Speaker 101 Spirits didn't bring up the birds at all?

Speaker 107 No,

Speaker 13 the seagulls are assholes. They said they keep doing that.

Speaker 63 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 39 Mushroom out, what are you doing around town when you're not doing stand-up or bartending?

Speaker 138 I like to go fishing.

Speaker 80 So you do go fishing.

Speaker 57 You're obsessed with catching animals.

Speaker 86 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 138 I have considered moving to Florida to like catch snakes in the Everglades to help with the Python problem.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 92 That's up.

Speaker 138 I love catching animals. I don't know.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 72 Did you know there was a Python problem?

Speaker 79 This guy's filled with info I was not aware of.

Speaker 89 What's the Python problem?

Speaker 138 So in the Everglades, there's just like a lot of pythons, like Burmese pythons.

Speaker 138 I guess the Hurricane Katrina like released all the pet store snakes, and so they just ran rampant inside of the Everglades, and they're like eating alligators and shit now. It's pretty crazy.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 78 It's just

Speaker 49 and you think you could help with that?

Speaker 40 You think you could be one of the single-hand solutions to the python problem?

Speaker 73 Yeah, yeah, I do.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 95 I have a question for the audience.

Speaker 96 Does any, just raise your hand.

Speaker 116 Does anybody in this audience write comic books?

Speaker 116 No.

Speaker 72 Can somebody find somebody that writes?

Speaker 72 There needs to be a comic book about this man.

Speaker 98 Yeah. Would you not read the comic book of Mushroom Matt?

Speaker 106 I would find Pythons.

Speaker 49 Yeah, no, I'd skip it.

Speaker 141 I got to tell you, it's a bad idea.

Speaker 45 I thought it sounded good at first.

Speaker 105 Now, Cynthia needs to be a comic book hero.

Speaker 80 What's your love life like, Mushroom at in real life?

Speaker 138 It's not great. It's not great.
I've been single for a long time. I guess I'm kind of just looking for the right girl.

Speaker 89 You must fuck crazy, huh?

Speaker 117 That energy.

Speaker 143 Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

Speaker 168 Yes, I have kissed a girl.

Speaker 37 Yes, I went on a date.

Speaker 27 Mushroomat, fun times.

Speaker 51 Here's a little joke book, my friend.

Speaker 90 Boom.

Speaker 78 Mushroom.

Speaker 36 Here's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 127 And look, there's a local public defender here, everyone.

Speaker 163 Amazing.

Speaker 49 It's one of the better public defenders in the city.

Speaker 100 All right.

Speaker 49 You guys having fun here tonight, huh?

Speaker 84 Make some noise for your next bucket full.

Speaker 41 Nick James, everyone.

Speaker 154 Nick James.

Speaker 15 Here he comes.

Speaker 133 One more time for Nick James, everyone.

Speaker 153 All right, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 153 Um, I don't know how to say this. I'm not sexy,

Speaker 153 like, at all.

Speaker 153 It's and I can't even dirty talk right either. Like, I just sound way too polite and dorky.

Speaker 153 Like, I had this girlfriend, and she would always say things like, Nick, I want you to eat my pussy from the back.

Speaker 153 And me being me, I would just be like, Well,

Speaker 158 okay,

Speaker 169 You betcha.

Speaker 132 Oh, here we go.

Speaker 153 And the same night she was like, you know what? Take the condom off. I don't care anymore.
Just fuck me raw.

Speaker 76 And I'm just like, well, splendid.

Speaker 92 Oh, I will happily oblige.

Speaker 153 Thank you.

Speaker 92 All right.

Speaker 153 And after that, she's like, alright, Nick, I want you to do something crazy. I want you to choke me.
I want you to demean me. I want you to say mean wild shit.

Speaker 153 And I do all that, but even then I'm still like,

Speaker 153 well, I hope this isn't too tight around your neck, you bitch.

Speaker 153 Are you okay, you fucking whore?

Speaker 139 I love you. All right.

Speaker 100 There you go.

Speaker 27 Nick James, the return of Nick James.

Speaker 49 So we know Nick.

Speaker 48 He's been on this show a few times.

Speaker 45 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 132 Welcome back.

Speaker 21 You still working at the parking lot?

Speaker 153 No, I got fired from that, actually.

Speaker 80 Ooh, why'd you get fired?

Speaker 153 They found out I didn't have a car for most of my employment.

Speaker 29 And why was that a problem?

Speaker 153 Because they require you to have a car.

Speaker 44 Yep, that'll do it.

Speaker 89 Why, though?

Speaker 122 Why do you have to have a car to park cars?

Speaker 153 Well, no, I was writing...

Speaker 153 Don't boo me again, but I was writing parking tickets.

Speaker 73 Damn it, statbot guy.

Speaker 58 Super villain.

Speaker 133 Not very polite of you, Matt. Not very polite.

Speaker 143 Did you used to boot people, too, sometimes?

Speaker 99 No, no.

Speaker 153 It was just writing bargain tickets. And now I can talk about this freely since I'm not working there anymore.

Speaker 153 Half the time I would just like, all right, dude, you know what? Just tell me you're proud of me and I'll let you off, you know? Like, I'll just.

Speaker 132 Wow.

Speaker 96 That's a great joke. Is that one of your jokes?

Speaker 97 No, that was. Do that as one of your jokes.
Yeah.

Speaker 85 Oh, okay.

Speaker 95 That's a great joke.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 153 Thank you. That's just my personality.
Well, thank you, Joe.

Speaker 45 All right, cool.

Speaker 107 You're welcome.

Speaker 106 I think you're funny, man.

Speaker 76 Yeah, how long have you done stand-up?

Speaker 153 Oh, let's see. Not counting that weird COVID year.
Like, this is actually my sixth year as of last week.

Speaker 105 Yeah, your pacing was good. I like that.
You came out calm.

Speaker 149 Pacing was good. That was good.

Speaker 153 Yeah, dude. I was so nervous.
I almost tripped up the stairs on my way up here. So thank you.

Speaker 63 That means a lot, actually.

Speaker 128 What do you do now that you don't work at a parking lot?

Speaker 167 I

Speaker 153 do lift full-time, so I'm unemployed.

Speaker 86 Wait, so now you have a car?

Speaker 153 I do, yeah.

Speaker 31 You got fired for not having a car?

Speaker 153 Like, I got fired, and then two weeks later, I bought a car. I'm like, can I have my job back? And they're like, fuck you, no.

Speaker 92 Like,

Speaker 26 wow.

Speaker 153 Yeah, they're real dicks.

Speaker 132 Who would guess?

Speaker 63 Oh, I'm sorry. What was that?

Speaker 51 Who would have guessed that the people in charge of writing tickets were dicks?

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 75 What kind of car did you get?

Speaker 153 I got a 23 Chevy Malibu.

Speaker 48 A Chevy Malibu?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 8 Oh my gosh. Good shit, man.

Speaker 21 So what's it like swimming in bitches?

Speaker 91 Well, I'm gonna be honest.

Speaker 153 I had a bit of a dry spell for the last three months, but

Speaker 153 I got some pussy the other night.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 28 Take us through it. Exactly what happened there.

Speaker 153 Well, I uh well I matched with this girl on hinge Hinge and then I met her up at a bar

Speaker 21 and then I you know I ate her pussy in her car and then wow so where where exactly did you guys go where did you go like take us through the actual date you kind of skipped a little bit there all right so

Speaker 153 it's like an old DVD when you would skip scenes and just jump jump jump all right I'll do a little play-by-play. So I met up at my usual spot Frazier's

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 37 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 153 It's a great fucking bar, right?

Speaker 153 And they got these booths there, and they're really comfy, you know?

Speaker 153 And that's, you know, like, you get the girl in the booth, like, and, you know, you can kind of like have an excuse to sit close to her. And it sounds really creepy, actually.

Speaker 43 But, like, yes.

Speaker 153 In my case, it works, you know? And, you know, like, I've banned probably like five girls after taking them to Frazier's over the last like year and a half.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Really?

Speaker 16 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 58 I'm kind of a horror, dude.

Speaker 63 Like, wow.

Speaker 45 Like, look Look at you.

Speaker 4 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 13 You really are.

Speaker 33 I was making a joke about your Chevy Malibu, but it turns out joke's on me.

Speaker 14 You're swimming in pussy.

Speaker 153 I mean, it is.

Speaker 127 The destroyer of Frasier's.

Speaker 23 So, five girls.

Speaker 114 So let's talk about this the other day thing.

Speaker 143 You took her to Frasier's, and then how did you end up eating her pussy inside of her car?

Speaker 75 What kind of car did she have?

Speaker 92 Something smaller than a Malibu?

Speaker 153 I wasn't paying attention, honestly. I think it was a Toyota or something, but not a Prius.
I know that.

Speaker 100 Okay.

Speaker 100 So, how did it get to that?

Speaker 153 Well, I, you know, we were already kind of, we were flirting pretty heavily over text, you know.

Speaker 153 So, that made that gave me some confidence to start off with.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Flirting pretty heavily.

Speaker 163 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 48 Can you give us an example of what some heavy flirtation from you via text looks like?

Speaker 78 Fucking cycles.

Speaker 58 Let's see.

Speaker 153 Let's see, it's a little difficult on my phone, but let's see here. Uh,

Speaker 22 let's unlock his phone real quick.

Speaker 36 Let's get a yonder unlocker here and uh

Speaker 58 give me an unlocker.

Speaker 92 I want the real shit.

Speaker 36 I don't want you to have to use your imagination.

Speaker 38 I think it's better.

Speaker 83 In fact, is it okay if I read it?

Speaker 100 Yeah, go for it. Great, perfect.

Speaker 113 Is it in your pocket?

Speaker 153 No, it's uh, they made me take it out. It's in the bin over there.

Speaker 6 Oh, okay.

Speaker 30 Somebody grab that fucking bin

Speaker 51 and a yonder unlocker, or we can get the tech guy to probably do some special code on it or something.

Speaker 68 Now, I know what the massage we made is in San Francisco, where unfortunately from I lied.

Speaker 35 All right, here we go.

Speaker 113 How about a hand for the lovely Christy, everybody?

Speaker 40 Her and Yoni always keeping the train on its.

Speaker 19 This isn't my phone.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 38 That's right.

Speaker 31 We gave you her phone.

Speaker 58 We can read the message.

Speaker 139 Here,

Speaker 154 my phone, I know what happened.

Speaker 153 I put my phone in the pocket of my backpack.

Speaker 154 Yeah, just bring the whole backpack up here. Yeah, it's the green one.

Speaker 58 Oh, this is where we all get killed, everyone.

Speaker 63 All right.

Speaker 36 I just need my entire backpack.

Speaker 36 Guy that got fired from his writing tickets job that gets all the pussy in his Chevy Malgaja.

Speaker 163 Oh, shit, thank you.

Speaker 58 Hey.

Speaker 81 Oh yeah, let's go.

Speaker 153 All right.

Speaker 73 You might have to scroll up a little bit.

Speaker 31 Oh, I'll scroll, buddy.

Speaker 58 I'll scroll.

Speaker 26 I'll scroll. All right.

Speaker 100 Monday or Sunday.

Speaker 108 Hold on a second.

Speaker 74 Wait, when is this?

Speaker 160 Where are we at? Oh, she sent...

Speaker 25 You sent pictures of your dog?

Speaker 110 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 44 Wow.

Speaker 95 Of his dog, did you say?

Speaker 75 Absolutely.

Speaker 75 There's a lot of texts here.

Speaker 58 Oh, okay. So many pictures.

Speaker 23 Wow, you're right.

Speaker 29 So you're saying that the flirting started heavily on Sunday or Monday?

Speaker 153 About, yeah. Like, I just know I dirt off a lot on Sunday, so I have a good feeling.

Speaker 153 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 105 I saw a text where she goes, damn you and your sex appeal.

Speaker 41 Get out of here. I was saving that, you fucking...
Get out of here.

Speaker 21 You're the creepy one for reading me, reading some other dude's flirty text over my shoulder.

Speaker 153 Hey, he doesn't know any better. He's European.

Speaker 31 I keep...

Speaker 38 By the way, you're all in big trouble because I keep scrolling up because I'm seeing so much good shit.

Speaker 31 I'm like, wow, what else?

Speaker 43 This is...

Speaker 82 Oh my god.

Speaker 27 So when did you guys go out? Monday night?

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 153 Yeah, I'm sorry I missed the last kill, Tony, but you know.

Speaker 46 Yeah. I had things to do.

Speaker 15 We totally noticed you weren't there where everyone was like, where's Nick James again?

Speaker 44 Where do you like to go for a drink?

Speaker 81 You. She asks you, where do you like to go for a drink?

Speaker 22 Usually Frasier's on E6, but I'm always able to suggest.

Speaker 29 I've never been to either, so I'm down for the adventure.

Speaker 49 LOL, I like its energy.

Speaker 30 It gets busy, but you can still hear each other talk.

Speaker 23 Follow-up from him.

Speaker 42 And it's not on dirty six, so none of that nonsense.

Speaker 26 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 29 It's not on dirty, so it must be clean.

Speaker 13 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 50 I like to chat.

Speaker 81 And Eastside is infinitely better than dirty.

Speaker 43 Wow, she's got her own own amazing thoughts.

Speaker 38 Right?

Speaker 14 Bars are so much cleaner, too.

Speaker 34 You dirty boy.

Speaker 30 Wow, there's some real whores in here tonight.

Speaker 27 May I be one of those girls and get your birth chart information?

Speaker 49 I must investigate, Smiley Face.

Speaker 42 LOL, sure.

Speaker 29 January 8th, 94.

Speaker 38 Born on a Saturday morning in a blizzard.

Speaker 34 I swear to God, I'm not changing a fucking word, by the way.

Speaker 128 How exciting?

Speaker 49 Do you know what time?

Speaker 81 I forget. I think like 10.

Speaker 15 In the morning?

Speaker 107 Yup.

Speaker 99 I've never seen

Speaker 99 someone with so much cap energy.

Speaker 37 Oh, there's a lyric using caps a lot.

Speaker 31 Do you have a lot of friends?

Speaker 134 I have many acquaintances, LOL, but a decent amount of friends.

Speaker 103 What?

Speaker 38 Haha, I can see that.

Speaker 33 Do you feel super psychic?

Speaker 38 No, LOL.

Speaker 134 I delude myself into thinking I am a lot, though.

Speaker 15 Does that count?

Speaker 40 It's all in the mindset anyway.

Speaker 139 You are what you eat and believe.

Speaker 22 What's your dating history been like?

Speaker 38 LOL, true.

Speaker 19 And let's see.

Speaker 46 Played the field a lot.

Speaker 15 Had a couple serious relationships over the years.

Speaker 30 Some short flings and whatnot don't worry though my ho phase is over

Speaker 30 genius

Speaker 103 bravo young skywalker

Speaker 22 Pretty much the same.

Speaker 37 Got my ho phase over with early.

Speaker 38 Props on her.

Speaker 107 Props on her while they're both being disgusting.

Speaker 51 Had a serious relationship in my mid-20s, then recovered from that.

Speaker 4 Nice.

Speaker 127 Two recovered hoes looking for stability now.

Speaker 44 You are a sly doggy.

Speaker 58 You're a sly little doggy.

Speaker 153 They ain't call me Big Dick Nick for nothing.

Speaker 100 Wow.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 39 Don't make it creepy.

Speaker 13 I did.

Speaker 21 No, this is you. Sorry.

Speaker 60 I did have one girlfriend cheat on me, so that sucked, but no great tragedies.

Speaker 160 Smart.

Speaker 63 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 39 Looking back, I should have been a bigger hoe.

Speaker 13 I was out there looking for love.

Speaker 51 I swear to God, I'm not changing a word.

Speaker 13 Oof, I hope she got the opposite of everything she ever wanted is karma.

Speaker 42 Yeah, it was a weird situation.

Speaker 29 Yeah, we can always be big hoes together, haha.

Speaker 98 Oh my god, you fucking pig.

Speaker 26 Hold on.

Speaker 49 And just to let you know on this next one, this is her.

Speaker 42 And when I say check mark, I mean the actual check mark emoji.

Speaker 35 Get ready for it. Here we go.

Speaker 86 Remember, we're coming off of, hey, we can always be big hoes together.

Speaker 37 Ha, ha ha.

Speaker 16 Ha ha.

Speaker 19 True, written out.

Speaker 8 Ha ha.

Speaker 26 Here we go.

Speaker 13 Okay, let me check my hoe bag of essentials.

Speaker 77 Don't care attitude, check.

Speaker 31 Let's just see where this goes.

Speaker 9 Check.

Speaker 47 Bikini thirst traps? Check.

Speaker 31 Okay, I'm ready to go. Hell yeah.

Speaker 15 Checking my

Speaker 8 man.

Speaker 116 Checking my bag of man-hoe essentials.

Speaker 38 Aloof, hiding my horniness attitude, check.

Speaker 15 Jeans that show off my bulge?

Speaker 15 You know, I was on Kiltoni a few times.

Speaker 15 I swear to God. I swear.
Whoops. Oh, shit.

Speaker 108 Oh, shit.

Speaker 32 Oops.

Speaker 83 Fuck.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 49 There's one more, by the way.

Speaker 125 I know it's such a great tax, but there's one more that's part of that tax.

Speaker 156 That is one.

Speaker 39 Just to let you know, for those of you in the front if you're wondering about the check marks can you confirm that there are check marks

Speaker 15 there are check marks there there's one more room that was just cleaned an hour before

Speaker 35 this fucking dirt ball

Speaker 40 we may just be a match made in hell it's so cute when men try to hide their horniness they'll be talking about anything and everything and I'll never be mad about tight jeans.

Speaker 29 I have something to fantasize about.

Speaker 30 LOL, I just lumped all the cliches in there.

Speaker 74 I'm definitely guilty of talking too much when I'm hoarding.

Speaker 38 You might have to put a muzzle on me,

Speaker 47 but I'll make sure to wear some extra tight jeans just for you.

Speaker 38 Oh, you're holding up your bulge right. Oh, wow, look at that.

Speaker 51 I like being electric too.

Speaker 81 So the chattiness will really work for me.

Speaker 13 What do you like to see a girl wearing?

Speaker 134 I'm a man of simple taste.

Speaker 37 A short skirt and a tank top with lots of cleavage is always nice.

Speaker 168 Simple taste, like what

Speaker 168 literally like every guy's like,

Speaker 14 favorite situation.

Speaker 38 Oh, simple taste, you know, the sluttiest shit on planet Earth.

Speaker 13 Luckily, that's what I wear every day.

Speaker 49 JK, I wear a lot of shorts.

Speaker 38 I was about to say my prayers have been answered.

Speaker 16 Ha ha.

Speaker 38 So does that mean you still wear the tank top with cleavage?

Speaker 49 Oh yeah, I get hot easily, so I like to be as uncovered as possible.

Speaker 30 So my prayers were answered, lol.

Speaker 100 Lucky you.

Speaker 75 What's your type of girl?

Speaker 4 Whatever type you are.

Speaker 47 I swear to God.

Speaker 15 But less corny answer.

Speaker 37 She's gotta be nice, fun to talk to, with just enough hoe to match my freak, but not so much that I gotta worry.

Speaker 41 What's your type of guy?

Speaker 29 Someone funny, sweet, smart, honest, and protective.

Speaker 32 Someone I can turn my brain off when I'm around them because I be thinking all day and my brain hurts.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 153 I got a winner, right?

Speaker 164 She says, what's your freak?

Speaker 29 My freak, honestly, much as I value deep connection and love and all that, I'm also just a very horny guy, huh?

Speaker 134 So like PG, PG-13, PDA, but in the bedroom, I'm probably going down on you for like a half hour, stuff like that.

Speaker 47 This is crazy.

Speaker 121 This is amazing.

Speaker 99 That sounds amazing.

Speaker 6 Oh, wow.

Speaker 50 I have a bit of an

Speaker 40 exhibitionist urge, and I like to be very submissive, but secretly the one in control.

Speaker 64 Well, I better be on my best behavior for our date then.

Speaker 74 Something tells me I'm in for quite the show.

Speaker 86 I'm crying.

Speaker 50 I googled exhibitionist to make sure that was the right term and it

Speaker 113 and it called it a mental illness.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 58 I meant I just like the adrenaline rush from being super sexy and sexually teasing in public.

Speaker 30 I got both definitions back to back and I just crossed my fingers that it was the sexy one.

Speaker 41 But damn, didn't know you were freaky like that.

Speaker 42 When I clicked on your profile, I thought, oh, she seems so sweet and innocent. Turns out, you're also sweet and devious.

Speaker 27 I'm a Gemini.

Speaker 39 I have two personalities.

Speaker 15 Public persona equals sweet.

Speaker 125 Professional works with students in private.

Speaker 39 Unhinged. I have to have an outlet.

Speaker 80 I'm a walking sexy teacher trope.

Speaker 30 In that case, want to give me a private lesson on sexual education?

Speaker 113 I think I'll also need some extra tutoring from you, too.

Speaker 22 Come to my office hours and show me how you've been trying to learn the material.

Speaker 58 Sounds like a plan. I hope it's an oral exam.

Speaker 99 It sounds like something you already excel there.

Speaker 39 Bring me something you want to improve on.

Speaker 30 True, but practice makes perfect. Although I could use a refresher course on leaving hickeys.

Speaker 100 Oh, you dirty dirt ball.

Speaker 22 Slow makeouts are my favorite.

Speaker 33 Really?

Speaker 32 Guess that makes two of us.

Speaker 37 He's just agreeing with anything she's saying.

Speaker 78 Oh, two of us for sure.

Speaker 127 Totally agree.

Speaker 134 Can I eat your pussy yet? Okay.

Speaker 108 Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 I'm going to scroll a bit because you guys are yappy fucks.

Speaker 153 I'm sorry.

Speaker 63 Wow. I feel a little swindled.

Speaker 96 You're killing it here.

Speaker 97 I mean, you're killing it here. You came up with this fucking Owen Wilson routine of like, ah, shucks, I don't know.
Maybe your pussy is good.

Speaker 95 And now you're in these fucking messages like a fucking vampire.

Speaker 78 You're like, I mean,

Speaker 103 this is insane.

Speaker 89 Dude, you're like, usher, dude.

Speaker 164 What's the worst first date you've been on?

Speaker 134 Probably going to see The Hobbit 2 and

Speaker 15 having to explain every Lord of the Rings movie so she'd stop asking me, lol.

Speaker 134 How about you?

Speaker 22 Awkward incel comic takes the cake, but a close second was back in undergrad.

Speaker 40 A guy invited me over to his apartment.

Speaker 57 It was the filthiest setup I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 51 I sat with my other, with my other crossed on the very edge of the mattress that was on the floor while he talked about basketball.

Speaker 52 I sat with my legs crossed.

Speaker 55 I see why you ate her pussy in her own car, by the way.

Speaker 51 She doesn't like a is your apartment messy?

Speaker 153 I mean, it was clean at the time when I brought her over.

Speaker 91 Wow.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 29 This has gone on way too long, but I got to tell you, this is unbelievable.

Speaker 75 Unbelievable flirting.

Speaker 105 There's a saying in Estonian that the guy who ends up fucking the girl always comes from the corner. That's you, dude.

Speaker 105 With that game. I love it.

Speaker 122 I don't know about that, but I can't.

Speaker 150 Didn't you all think the saying would be way cooler than that?

Speaker 91 No, it's trying to do it.

Speaker 73 Do you feel this would be really profound?

Speaker 71 They say in Estonia, the guy that fucks the girl is the one that talks to her.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 95 That's fucking really brilliant.

Speaker 111 All right, thank you.

Speaker 73 It's super insightful.

Speaker 73 Wow, what a country you come from.

Speaker 35 Oh shit.

Speaker 26 Alright, yeah, I'm done.

Speaker 139 Well, what?

Speaker 155 What am I doing?

Speaker 167 You want to call her?

Speaker 125 Let's ask her how the pussy eating was to close this segment of the show.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 153 She did go to bed an hour ago, but let's see if I can wake her up.

Speaker 11 Oh, my God.

Speaker 22 All right, fun times, Nick James.

Speaker 15 You're a legend.

Speaker 12 How about one more time for Nick James?

Speaker 138 Not yet. You only have a little one?

Speaker 13 There you go, buddy.

Speaker 113 Congratulations.

Speaker 125 Oh, shit.

Speaker 38 Oh, shit.

Speaker 81 Right in that pussy-eating mouth of his.

Speaker 172 Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other. When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

Speaker 172 When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Speaker 63 Oh, come on.

Speaker 172 They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip. Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.
Whatever.

Speaker 172 You were made to outdo your holidays. We were made to help organize the competition.
Expedia, made to travel.

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Speaker 39 All right, everybody, your next comedian goes by the name of Ryan Igler.

Speaker 63 Ryan Igler.

Speaker 86 Okay, nice quick transition here.

Speaker 18 Make some noise for Ryan Igler, everybody.

Speaker 71 So I live out in the country.

Speaker 151 I just found out what code switching is. It's so fun.

Speaker 151 Like, it's a new way to get out of speeding tickets, coach switching to a little pretty girl.

Speaker 63 But

Speaker 167 I'm aware of it now.

Speaker 151 So my little sister plays on a special needs baseball team. It's called the Challenger League.

Speaker 136 It's a great name.

Speaker 91 But

Speaker 71 I coach on it sometimes.

Speaker 151 And it's most I'm just there because like some of the moms can't handle some of them. So I get to get sacrificed off the survivor tribe to wrangle.

Speaker 151 But one day the pitcher on the team didn't want to throw the ball.

Speaker 174 Now, his name's Donnie.

Speaker 151 He's the smallest guy in his family.

Speaker 2 He's 6'2 ⁇ .

Speaker 88 He has downs.

Speaker 151 He's also deaf.

Speaker 71 And they sent me out there to go get him to throw the ball.

Speaker 174 So I'm explaining to him on the mound.

Speaker 167 I'm like, Donnie, you can't roll the ball.

Speaker 122 You have to throw the ball.

Speaker 151 But I realized I was doing it in deaf.

Speaker 89 Donnie, you can't roll no mall.

Speaker 111 You have to throw the mall.

Speaker 174 Hey, stop my rhinoceros, guys.

Speaker 44 All right, I'm going to read some more Nick James text messages.

Speaker 48 Get the show back on track.

Speaker 106 I did like that you did an Ari Matty impression right at the end there.

Speaker 44 He's good.

Speaker 22 How long have you been trying stand-up, Ryan?

Speaker 167 I'm four months in.

Speaker 80 Four months in.

Speaker 121 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 174 No, I'm out of Houston.

Speaker 58 Okay, how old are you?

Speaker 27 I'm 33. What made you start now at 33 years old?

Speaker 71 I've always wanted to do it.

Speaker 174 I just never had time. I was always on the road.

Speaker 61 What were you doing on the road?

Speaker 122 I was a guitar player.

Speaker 74 Guitar player for a band?

Speaker 174 Yeah, for several, just hired gun type stuff, session work, all that.

Speaker 73 So I'll always be gone.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 61 And.

Speaker 133 Which bands? Anybody we would know?

Speaker 174 Yeah, I started playing for a guy named Jason Allen, Toured Texas, playing hockey talks with him.

Speaker 63 Hell.

Speaker 49 One chick. You guys know Jason Allen?

Speaker 134 No, the band does not.

Speaker 151 It's fine. It's Texas country stuff.

Speaker 174 It's okay.

Speaker 105 But

Speaker 151 played for a chick named Peyton Howie. That was fun.

Speaker 174 Got introduced to the festival world through that one. And then the most recent one was Trent Cowie.

Speaker 163 I was playing with him. Sure.

Speaker 135 What made you want to stop playing guitar and start a brand new art form?

Speaker 71 Oh, they cut me.

Speaker 49 You're not that good?

Speaker 92 No, it's just...

Speaker 122 I was told a different direction.

Speaker 167 I'm a little rowdy on stage.

Speaker 35 Like, how are you rowdy?

Speaker 122 Like,

Speaker 174 very animated, jump around. It's a fucking show.

Speaker 152 You bought a ticket, you get a show.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 132 Hell yeah.

Speaker 49 Were you a good person on the road?

Speaker 58 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 65 I'm clean.

Speaker 73 I don't have like stinky feet and shit.

Speaker 80 You don't have what?

Speaker 122 Stinky feet and shit. Yeah.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 80 That's good. Good to know.

Speaker 103 No stinky feet.

Speaker 58 Go ahead. No, go ahead.

Speaker 72 No, I was going to say, did you party too much?

Speaker 167 No, no.

Speaker 122 I quit drinking like eight years ago.

Speaker 63 Oh, all right. Oh, my God.
Everybody's.

Speaker 16 Everyone's fucking sober today.

Speaker 89 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 78 That's crazy. Oh, no.

Speaker 70 Mushrooms are heavy.

Speaker 70 Again.

Speaker 58 Like, 290 was fucking wild getting here. This is the new thing.

Speaker 81 Everybody gets sober from everything else.

Speaker 29 They're like, I'm just fucking blitzed on mushrooms.

Speaker 47 Like, the most extreme fucking shit. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 41 Have you found God?

Speaker 63 No.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 123 He's looking for you.

Speaker 170 Mom always makes it.

Speaker 113 Do we have another guitar here?

Speaker 143 Did we bring the second guitar? Here we go.

Speaker 74 We got to see this guy play guitar because I'm pretty sure that's your calling, Ryan.

Speaker 49 You can't let these other people scare you out of being a musician.

Speaker 51 You're sure as fuck not a comedian, at least not yet.

Speaker 132 We'll see what happens with that down the road.

Speaker 6 But my goodness.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 122 Here we are.

Speaker 39 Name some of the bands you've been in again.

Speaker 77 No names, it's just for other people.

Speaker 135 And you kind of jump around very animated during this person's, these actual, the artists that people are there to see.

Speaker 49 I could see why that would.

Speaker 43 I could see.

Speaker 77 Do you have something like an original kind of a riff that you like to play that won't get us flagged on YouTube?

Speaker 124 Shit, he's calling the play right now, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 31 It's a flat D.

Speaker 32 Key of seven.

Speaker 40 There's more Indian people showing up.

Speaker 80 Here he is, living his dream, playing his own show, not for another person.

Speaker 42 You're cut again.

Speaker 39 Hit like a thing. You're playing like a chord.

Speaker 109 Do something crazy.

Speaker 63 Uh-oh, he's feeling himself, folks.

Speaker 127 The band is kicking in behind him.

Speaker 130 Totally making him sound great.

Speaker 47 Proving once again they are the best stamp band in the land.

Speaker 47 I wish you would step back from that ledge, my

Speaker 47 friend. All right, that's enough.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 47 Stop it.

Speaker 74 All right, Ryan, that was fun.

Speaker 35 How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?

Speaker 39 Did you have fun here tonight, Ryan?

Speaker 81 Yeah, man.

Speaker 114 What's another crazy thing about your childhood or your life that would surprise us before I let you go?

Speaker 167 I used to be a child model for a Jewish department store called Wiener's.

Speaker 33 What was it called?

Speaker 86 Wiener's. Wiener's?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 57 There was a Jewish department store called Wiener's.

Speaker 174 Yeah, back in the 90s in Houston.

Speaker 105 It was like a dealer's JCPenney, but it was called Wiener's.

Speaker 167 And I was a child model for him all through the 90s.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Mom used to pimp me out.

Speaker 99 Did you ever get molested?

Speaker 174 Nah, I fucking swerved that one.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 134 It was close?

Speaker 174 One-ass hotel, baby. You know.

Speaker 124 I don't know.

Speaker 38 There he goes. Ryan Igler.

Speaker 17 Fun times, Ryan.

Speaker 75 Keep doing it for a while.

Speaker 13 Sign up again.

Speaker 43 There he is.

Speaker 36 Ryan Igler, everybody.

Speaker 100 All right.

Speaker 28 It's one of those moments, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring to the stage what some people consider a legend of Kill Tony.

Speaker 18 What some people consider one of their least favorite characters in the history of the show.

Speaker 139 You either love him or you hate him.

Speaker 16 This is the very polarizing style of Uncle Laser, everyone.

Speaker 16 Oh, he's chugging a beer.

Speaker 148 Always the showman, taking his time.

Speaker 148 The squawking American Eagle.

Speaker 61 One more time for Uncle Laser, everyone.

Speaker 118 Check out on your friends this summer. Kiss them on the mouth.
Tell them you love them. Listen.

Speaker 118 I'm friends with a lot of coloreds.

Speaker 118 Blacks, we got any blacks in here tonight?

Speaker 118 Oh, hell yeah. They set y'all up front.
That's progressive. Hell yeah.

Speaker 167 Listen, I'm not a regular white.

Speaker 118 My black friends, they call me anywhere. They're all like, hey, Uncle Edgar, you're a real-ass motherfucking.

Speaker 118 And as a white man, when a black man calls you that, it's special.

Speaker 118 It's like when your dad pats you on the button and says, good game, son.

Speaker 111 But boy, they don't like it when you say it back to them.

Speaker 118 I'm playing spades the other day at my homie's house, and they're just, it's a black person game you wouldn't know anything about.

Speaker 118 we're playing spades back and forth right i'm cutting these motherfuckers up and like yo you a real ass motherfucking and i'm like

Speaker 58 i started walking with a limp

Speaker 118 yeah and they done said it about 20 times i said man y'all said enough y'all think y'all think i can say it back and they go fuck you white boy you can't say that

Speaker 118 i said well it sounds like music's getting a little too loud at this party okay

Speaker 148 And they said, you can see yourself out.

Speaker 118 And as I walked outside, I did the whitest thing in my life.

Speaker 118 I called the law and I said, hey, these motherfucking are playing that music too loud.

Speaker 117 My name's Uncle Lazar. Y'all are great.

Speaker 132 Uncle Lazer.

Speaker 49 My favorite part of that set was when

Speaker 58 the black person in the back of the room clapped and you said, Wow, they sat you in the front.

Speaker 19 How progressive.

Speaker 124 Even though they're in the back.

Speaker 58 They did.

Speaker 78 I'm equal opportunity.

Speaker 118 The diversity hire.

Speaker 96 Hey, I'm going to be honest with you.

Speaker 89 You reading that erotica shit?

Speaker 118 I didn't even have to take some.

Speaker 167 I'm hard as a rock right now.

Speaker 98 That shit he was doing earlier. Son of a gun.

Speaker 2 What a treat that was.

Speaker 43 He was good.

Speaker 13 It is exciting.

Speaker 21 Flirtatious texts are exciting.

Speaker 39 What's some of the crazy shit we would find in your phone if we went through it?

Speaker 89 If you'll read it, if you'll read it.

Speaker 150 Well, my girlfriend Gina, you know, Meghan Of course.

Speaker 118 Doctor from Buffalo.

Speaker 132 Yep.

Speaker 77 What kind of doctor is she again?

Speaker 150 Pediatrist.

Speaker 45 Yep, perfect.

Speaker 116 She's actually right there. She's right up there.

Speaker 36 I believe that means she works on children's feet.

Speaker 59 Your girlfriend's. A pediatric.

Speaker 125 A pediatrist.

Speaker 111 A pedriactic?

Speaker 38 Yep, perfect.

Speaker 79 That's like how Harley Quinn fell in love with the Joker.

Speaker 150 But I was sleeping the other night at my brother's house.

Speaker 118 We was out there, and she took my phone. She was pissed off at me, and she showed my face on my phone while I slept.
And she saw,

Speaker 161 whoa.

Speaker 121 She saw a lot.

Speaker 119 So, yeah, you know.

Speaker 79 We don't. Yeah, I'm a whore.

Speaker 63 I'm a whore.

Speaker 23 I'm gonna.

Speaker 41 Can you give us a ballpark of what she saw?

Speaker 24 I mean, she already saw it.

Speaker 150 Everything, Tony.

Speaker 49 Like, what? What's everything?

Speaker 118 Me fucking other girls like on camera and shit.

Speaker 77 Tell us more.

Speaker 164 Describe the situation, Laser.

Speaker 112 Well, it ain't good, Tony.

Speaker 148 No, she just, she saw some shit and she got all pissed off.

Speaker 118 But look, we love each other. So, sister, we're still together.
She's like, look, we'll go to counseling. I'm like, I don't want to go to counseling.

Speaker 114 So, are you going to go to counseling?

Speaker 118 Going to counseling.

Speaker 39 When are you going to counseling?

Speaker 118 You know.

Speaker 62 Is it scheduled yet?

Speaker 112 Soon.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 89 Hey, but you want to know?

Speaker 118 Hey, real quick, this is for Ari Matica. Look, you got a bunch of cripples and retards.

Speaker 77 Are you changing the subject right now?

Speaker 158 Oh, she's right there, Tony. God damn it.

Speaker 18 This is good, goddamn entertainment.

Speaker 62 All right.

Speaker 124 This is something that can only happen on Kill Tony.

Speaker 109 The fact that she's right there makes it, this is a once in a long time.

Speaker 167 Bring her ass down here, Titties and all.

Speaker 15 Well, I mean, I wasn't going to do that.

Speaker 83 Then I'd be putting you on the spot.

Speaker 58 That's right.

Speaker 118 She's a doctor. She'll get fired.
Right. From the optometrist.

Speaker 78 Yes.

Speaker 72 Laser did one of the craziest things I've ever seen a human being do upstairs. Yeah.

Speaker 72 Me, Ari, and Laser went into the bathroom at the same time.

Speaker 167 We all had to pee.

Speaker 92 I went in the stall to pee.

Speaker 116 Ari was at the urinal.

Speaker 98 Laser just hung on the wall of the urinal and talked to Ari for the duration of him peeing and then just left the bathroom. Didn't pee.

Speaker 73 Just talked to Ari over his shoulder and forgot he had to pee and then just left.

Speaker 111 It was insane.

Speaker 123 That is the actions of an everlasting cocaine addict, if I've ever seen one.

Speaker 38 Just making sure you guys are urinating.

Speaker 27 Like he's some kind of probation officer or something like that.

Speaker 14 I mean, you guys, you just gotta use in the bathroom for what it's actually for. I'll get out of here.

Speaker 23 What are you guys just urinating and washing your hands, you boring boys?

Speaker 58 Nah, let's have some fun. Come on.

Speaker 116 Let me see that dick, boy. You know, no, but

Speaker 118 I told him, I said, hey, man, I got someone to say in this interview.

Speaker 150 We know the same person.

Speaker 118 And she found it in the phone too. She hates her.

Speaker 118 So, look, there's a girl that I know. There's a girl that I know that knows Ari that loves Ari.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 118 And I guess Ari curved her. And this girl's used to getting her way.

Speaker 61 What does that mean, curved?

Speaker 89 I don't know that either.

Speaker 151 So she sent him a nude picture and he just thumbs up it.

Speaker 96 Now, listen here, Tony.

Speaker 148 Let me tell you something about stardom. You got it too.
Red Ben got it too. Joe's got it too.
Ari's got it too.

Speaker 150 Listen, we get pussy all the time.

Speaker 2 All right. But listen.

Speaker 148 If a beautiful woman sends me a hot, sexy, naked picture, I'm not going to thumbs up.

Speaker 2 Say, what kind of pussy are you getting on the road? Oh, son, your next level.

Speaker 73 That's that's that's just Stony Assassin.

Speaker 58 I know who he is. I've seen his dick in the bathroom.

Speaker 111 That's a saying in Ari's country.

Speaker 8 The man that thumbs up the pussy is the man of the thumbs up.

Speaker 165 That pussy a two thumbs up.

Speaker 118 You know what I'm talking about now?

Speaker 105 No. Good.

Speaker 2 There's a few pictures.

Speaker 159 I just thumbs up. That's it.

Speaker 105 I didn't say anything.

Speaker 118 Look, she just was crying the whole night.

Speaker 118 Solar.

Speaker 58 Your girlfriend?

Speaker 44 Not mine.

Speaker 58 The other girl.

Speaker 76 Just a girl that I knew.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 57 Anyway, Laser, is your girlfriend still mad at you?

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 89 But she's here.

Speaker 39 What do you do in a situation like that to make up for it?

Speaker 30 You're a very romantic guy.

Speaker 28 What do you do in a situation?

Speaker 51 A girl finds her phone.

Speaker 49 She unlocks it with your face.

Speaker 47 How do you start the healing process?

Speaker 26 Teach these American boys out there what the squawking eagle, Uncle Laser, does to get out of the doghouse you worked in oil fields you know what you're doing explain to the children

Speaker 118 so I started taking testosterone

Speaker 76 that is a terrible idea

Speaker 118 but look that shit makes you really horny right like a stiff but stiff breeze I'm gonna put my dick in an electrical socket that'll solve the problem keep going

Speaker 118 I'm only good at a couple things, Tony.

Speaker 118 Taking drugs and coming quick.

Speaker 91 One of them.

Speaker 78 Two of them.

Speaker 76 Look, I'm going. Look, I'm just like,

Speaker 150 I'm going to therapy now.

Speaker 21 Here's the question.

Speaker 121 Let me remind you.

Speaker 81 A guy like you gets in the doghouse, right?

Speaker 51 You're on testosterone.

Speaker 29 Girlfriend's mad at you.

Speaker 72 What do you do?

Speaker 150 Tony, I grab her by the fucking throat. I pick her up and I put her through the fucking drywall.

Speaker 44 And I said, listen here, I'm going to be a star, baby.

Speaker 2 Either get on this gravy train right now, or we can leave you on the corner with the man with the thumbs up.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 31 Again,

Speaker 50 you watched too much pro wrestling growing up.

Speaker 49 That's domestic violence.

Speaker 99 I'm asking you a genuinely real question.

Speaker 14 Genuinely?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 79 All right, came here and look, baby.

Speaker 118 I'm not some regular nine-to-five. I'm living a different type of life.

Speaker 150 But look at me, Tony.

Speaker 76 I said, look, here's flowers.

Speaker 109 Answer the fucking question.

Speaker 89 I said, look, girl, I love you.

Speaker 148 There's no one else I want to be with.

Speaker 118 I'm on some fuck shit. I'm a retard.

Speaker 150 I said, but at the end of the day, at the the end of the fucking day, it ain't who you want to spend Saturday night with.

Speaker 118 It's who you want to get Sunday brunch with.

Speaker 28 See, that's what I was looking for.

Speaker 49 You could have said that two and a half minutes ago, and it would have been great podcasts.

Speaker 118 Get at me for talking too much. I love it, dude.

Speaker 8 Great.

Speaker 124 I'll see you again in another four months then.

Speaker 19 Thank you, dude.

Speaker 64 Okay, laser.

Speaker 58 Fun times.

Speaker 44 Good stuff.

Speaker 49 Great stuff. Charismatic, likable.

Speaker 15 Uncle Laser.

Speaker 39 Ari Maddie has has to go pee

Speaker 83 and to go text girls whose pictures he thumbs up

Speaker 86 cleaning up mess he's on damage control right now i had to pee too and he took it from me you want to go pee oh wait so you guys go pee together and uncle laser can watch again okay go ahead it's all right

Speaker 175 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 176 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 63 He's going the distance.

Speaker 146 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 129 When it started to change, it was quick. He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.
Now, Charlie's sober. He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 176 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 172 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 176 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 63 Somebody call action.

Speaker 129 Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix September 10th. Tires matter.
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TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be.

Speaker 10 Your next comedian goes by the name of JP Hinsdale, everybody.

Speaker 61 JP Hinsdale.

Speaker 12 Oh, we know JP.

Speaker 122 Yeah, we put JP up in an arena once before.

Speaker 121 Make some noise one more time for JP Hinsdale.

Speaker 121 Hey.

Speaker 92 Wow.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 111 I was in Galveston recently.

Speaker 110 Yeah,

Speaker 177 I went to the Gulf of America.

Speaker 8 I tried, okay?

Speaker 44 Like, I took 12 grams of mushrooms

Speaker 111 and I stared out at the ocean.

Speaker 150 It was still brown.

Speaker 178 Dolvin came by and blew 10W30 out of her blowhole.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 111 Guess not.

Speaker 110 Oh no.

Speaker 111 I watch the news a lot.

Speaker 178 I'm trying to look for the positive in everything.

Speaker 171 You know,

Speaker 111 it's cool. Like, I found out that ICE is trying to be more progressive in their hiring practices.
Have you guys heard about this?

Speaker 117 Yeah, there's a ICE has this new program, 30

Speaker 178 for 30 for 30.

Speaker 98 They want 30% women officers

Speaker 150 by 2030.

Speaker 110 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 111 Way to go, ladies.

Speaker 44 You broke the glass ceiling.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 116 All right, JP. Sorry, that didn't go well.

Speaker 31 It didn't. You're right.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 21 That's interesting.

Speaker 92 What?

Speaker 171 I misgauged the time. I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.

Speaker 123 It had nothing to do with the time, really.

Speaker 110 Fair enough.

Speaker 27 It was okay.

Speaker 31 It was an awkward start, awkward ending.

Speaker 92 You had a...

Speaker 33 You had a thing. There's been a...

Speaker 81 It's also a very mushroom-heavy set.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 38 I mean, a knight.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 29 And so, you know, that wasn't in your favor.

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 4 So, JP, how's life, buddy?

Speaker 44 Look at me.

Speaker 31 Killing it. Yeah.

Speaker 58 Literally.

Speaker 29 Very rarely do one of the horn players turn on a bucket pull, but.

Speaker 35 Okay, all right.

Speaker 38 JP,

Speaker 128 you're a very likable character.

Speaker 124 You've done good every other time you've ever been on this show.

Speaker 19 What do you think truly went wrong tonight?

Speaker 92 Uh

Speaker 150 couple newer jokes.

Speaker 110 Um, kind of having a little bit of a panic attack.

Speaker 116 I'm wet.

Speaker 86 Yep. It was raining earlier.

Speaker 41 There was like a better joke inside your Gulf of America joke.

Speaker 177 Yeah.

Speaker 150 It's a longer joke.

Speaker 150 It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be.

Speaker 97 It should be shorter. Shorter?

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 163 Okay.

Speaker 22 Yeah, I think it's something like, I don't know.

Speaker 39 There's something like, they changed it from Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America.

Speaker 29 But I think it should be called the Gulf of Mexico because it is brown.

Speaker 6 Oh, okay.

Speaker 24 See?

Speaker 99 If you said it with your charming style.

Speaker 110 I kind of wanted to look at it.

Speaker 44 Try it.

Speaker 13 Do it just like that. Give them the right lighting, Kino.

Speaker 39 Do it. I want to see if it works.

Speaker 123 Even though they already know it, which makes it impossible.

Speaker 75 I think you could sell it.

Speaker 169 So

Speaker 177 went down to the Gulf of America. Now that we took it back.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 178 Used to be the Gulf of Mexico. I think we should call it the Gulf of Mexico again.

Speaker 110 It's really brown.

Speaker 44 You were right.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 111 You are the king.

Speaker 99 And if they didn't know what the punchline was coming, that shit would rip.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like a fart from you.

Speaker 139 Thank you. In the middle of the night.

Speaker 140 You fart a lot. I bet you fart.

Speaker 31 You're like a hot air balloon.

Speaker 110 Not like an abnormal amount.

Speaker 58 Normal amount?

Speaker 169 Yeah, I mean, I'm not extra flatuent.

Speaker 78 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 110 But I, you know.

Speaker 58 It's weird how that works.

Speaker 63 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 77 You would expect, like, that's a bigger chamber.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 117 But I'm pretty buoyant, so it's like it all works out of the water.

Speaker 78 Do you float?

Speaker 107 Yeah, I float.

Speaker 29 You ever float in the river here?

Speaker 58 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 128 You like it?

Speaker 110 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 86 You float.

Speaker 43 Oh, yeah. Like an ice cube.

Speaker 111 Yeah, like you guys have me on the land, but I have you in the sea.

Speaker 23 Okay. Yeah.
We're cooking.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 58 All right.

Speaker 128 If you could compare yourself to any sea animal, what sea animal do you think you're most like, J.P.

Speaker 51 Hinsdale?

Speaker 171 Manatee.

Speaker 41 Now, why did you pick manatee there?

Speaker 171 Because I'm friendly and I keep getting damaged by motorboats.

Speaker 58 Still got it.

Speaker 96 Got it. Still got it, JP.

Speaker 49 It's in there.

Speaker 77 It's right there on the surface.

Speaker 20 What you've been doing for fun, JP?

Speaker 110 For fun? Yep.

Speaker 29 Other than mass amounts of mushrooms, we're just fucking everybody tonight.

Speaker 86 It's like we're doing a Kill Tony live from a rehab facility.

Speaker 117 I only do it every two weeks.

Speaker 171 Like it's a I can't take antidepressants and mood stabilizers and all the other things.

Speaker 86 You take all that stuff?

Speaker 58 I can't.

Speaker 122 You can't? No.

Speaker 110 Okay, correct.

Speaker 178 And I take two to six grams of mushrooms every two weeks, and it kind of

Speaker 169 makes the gloomies go away.

Speaker 63 Perfect. Yeah.

Speaker 138 And you eat a lot.

Speaker 117 Not really.

Speaker 177 I'm just, I've been fat for a while.

Speaker 111 This was, this is not like,

Speaker 117 this is an accumulation of a lifetime of sadness.

Speaker 171 This isn't a merit. This isn't a sprint to the finish.

Speaker 171 Like at a buffet.

Speaker 33 Why are you sad?

Speaker 58 That was like,

Speaker 103 do we want to do this?

Speaker 96 No, I do not want to do this.

Speaker 103 No, no, no.

Speaker 111 No, you don't need this kind of darkness, Joe.

Speaker 96 No, I've got enough in me already.

Speaker 110 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 116 I can see it in your eyes.

Speaker 58 Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 72 The mushrooms make the gloomies go away every two weeks.

Speaker 117 Yeah, it's kind of the only system that I've figured out that works.

Speaker 101 But why do you not, why are you against the antidepressants and stuff?

Speaker 150 It's not that I'm against them.

Speaker 110 I have a you're like, I just can't get them on a pizza.

Speaker 44 No, I have a

Speaker 111 yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 178 Papa John's let me down.

Speaker 117 No,

Speaker 177 I have traumatic brain injuries.

Speaker 178 It affects how the medication hits me.

Speaker 116 You have what injuries?

Speaker 111 Traumatic brain injuries. From what?

Speaker 96 I've died twice.

Speaker 117 And I got hit in the head a lot as a kid.

Speaker 125 So when did you, how did you die twice?

Speaker 117 first time my mom did it

Speaker 4 okay

Speaker 35 keep going

Speaker 150 how did she do that well like she i didn't know because it happened when i was three but she kept telling people that i jumped off the couch playing superman and hit my head against the marble table And then I died when the ambulance got there.

Speaker 169 But it turns out I had night terrors and she didn't know what they were. And she wanted me to shut the fuck up.

Speaker 140 So

Speaker 123 what it did she she hit your head on against the table?

Speaker 30 Do you know?

Speaker 128 She grabbed you and hit your head against the table?

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Yeah, I am the boy who lived.

Speaker 95 That's what's known as a late-term abortion.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 117 She chickened out of the end. She called 911.

Speaker 169 I give her a lot of shit for it now.

Speaker 95 Wait, you still talk to her?

Speaker 111 Yeah, that ain't even the worst thing she's ever done.

Speaker 77 What was the worst thing she's ever done?

Speaker 19 I don't know.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 117 What was it? It's not. It's.

Speaker 178 I'm still working that through therapy right now.

Speaker 110 Okay. It's complicated.

Speaker 44 Let's avoid that.

Speaker 33 Let's talk about the.

Speaker 169 I have a joke about it, but I don't.

Speaker 117 I'm okay with part of it, but it's like, you know, not every room likes this joke.

Speaker 58 Now we want to hear it.

Speaker 96 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 110 All right.

Speaker 111 You asked for it, people.

Speaker 111 No, no,

Speaker 49 she says no I don't want no one gives a shit what that bitch wants keep going JP

Speaker 110 so um

Speaker 111 I was groomed and molested from the age of five to the age of 15

Speaker 111 which is a weird way of saying I peaked in high school

Speaker 150 now I have to get molested on my personality

Speaker 111 and I have way too many strong opinions about Star Trek for that to happen.

Speaker 32 That's my joke.

Speaker 109 Is this a stepdad or what was it?

Speaker 110 No, it was my mom's high school boyfriend.

Speaker 132 Wow.

Speaker 171 Yeah.

Speaker 178 She thought by him bonding with me she'd get him back.

Speaker 171 It didn't work out.

Speaker 45 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 111 I was more his type.

Speaker 111 Wow.

Speaker 150 Honestly, the relationship lasted longer too.

Speaker 111 I don't know.

Speaker 177 Maybe I'm a better person.

Speaker 86 5 to 15 is a long time.

Speaker 110 I know.

Speaker 110 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 114 And it was like, all right.

Speaker 30 How'd you die the second time?

Speaker 110 Oh, um,

Speaker 111 I had I snorted what I thought was cocaine.

Speaker 6 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 135 Yeah. What was it?

Speaker 110 Fentanyl.

Speaker 32 Wow. When was this?

Speaker 111 Three years ago?

Speaker 33 Three years ago?

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh my God.

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 58 And they brought you back using dark hand.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 171 If it was a real come to Jesus moment, and he did not like me ODing on his couch.

Speaker 171 Wow.

Speaker 78 Do you remember anything from that?

Speaker 99 Do you remember what it's like any of those times being dead? Do you remember seeing anything?

Speaker 122 A bright light?

Speaker 128 Were you in heaven?

Speaker 120 Was there snacks everywhere?

Speaker 58 I remember a.

Speaker 37 Were you in hell, a hot yoga studio?

Speaker 111 It was jazzer size.

Speaker 77 It's amazing.

Speaker 24 You're so fucking funny on your feet tonight, JP.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 49 And that's set.

Speaker 124 It's just a testament to, you know, you got to be careful.

Speaker 64 This goes for...

Speaker 63 all comedians, right?

Speaker 114 Doing open mics.

Speaker 81 You can attest to this.

Speaker 164 You do so many shows and you're kind of like off of open mics now because you're getting booked everywhere but there's something so dangerous about doing open mics because a the comedians kind of don't want you to succeed and b the audience because they're at an open mic are fucking retards they're retarded they're at the what the sixth seventh eighth ninth tenth best show in the city on any given night so it gets tricky you have to go with what you think is funny and all the answers you gave tonight about real actual questions and things in your life even though you thought some of them won't work and that you shouldn't do it, all crushed.

Speaker 128 Everything that you think is correct and working works when you leave it to open mic audiences to decide.

Speaker 99 Open mics are good for working out mic technique and volume and pacing and changing and placement of things, but it's not always to completely the end-all-be-all decision maker of what's funny and what's not.

Speaker 29 And you were hilarious tonight on your feet during the interview.

Speaker 106 And

Speaker 101 light on your feet, which is not easy to do when you're 620 pounds Joe DeRosa and and I mean this dude I mean this dude you're a funny fucking dude man you bring a lot of joy to a lot of people you have light in your fucking heart you got light in your soul I know you're battling some past demons I know it's rough but I'm gonna tell you what Jim Jeffries said to me when I was at your spot in the game and I was struggling with mental shit.

Speaker 101 He was like, brother, reach out to me any fucking time and I'll talk to you about that shit.

Speaker 116 I'm saying that to you right now.

Speaker 101 You fucking reach out to me any fucking time you need, dude.

Speaker 96 He goes, I'm telling you, dude, you can't fight the fight on your own.

Speaker 141 Lean on somebody, man.

Speaker 106 I mean it, dude.

Speaker 98 I mean it. Don't let that dark shit suppress your light, man.

Speaker 141 You got a gift.

Speaker 15 And one more exciting thing, JP.

Speaker 41 Normally we give away spots.

Speaker 44 We've given away jobs on this show before.

Speaker 33 This is the first time ever that this has happened.

Speaker 58 JP,

Speaker 63 your mom

Speaker 121 and and you mending that relationship.

Speaker 128 It's unbelievable to me to find out that you had a mom who at least back then was so out of it and didn't get you.

Speaker 121 That tonight, for the first time ever, right now, I'm giving you a new mom. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joy Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Speaker 12 Kill Tony Legend.

Speaker 73 Give him a hug.

Speaker 113 JP Hinsdale.

Speaker 9 Stupid bottle of water.

Speaker 113 Go give him a hug.

Speaker 63 Go give him a hug.

Speaker 44 JP Hinsdale.

Speaker 58 The bottle of water.

Speaker 10 She needs to stay hydrated while making an appearance on stage.

Speaker 11 You are now, I hereby bestow you, JP Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 12 Welcome to the family, JP.

Speaker 45 Thanks, brother.

Speaker 83 My mom will literally talk to you anytime you need a mom to talk to.

Speaker 15 She's 78 and bored out of her mind, and I'm way too successful and fun to talk to her.

Speaker 83 Now you can talk to her.

Speaker 163 She's free literally every hour of the day.

Speaker 57 There she goes.

Speaker 10 Joy hinch clip everybody 78 my mom visiting from youngstown ohio okay there you go get off the stage now here's a little joke book

Speaker 113 there you go

Speaker 67 can i just say that i'm blessed to have tony as my son

Speaker 67 that's

Speaker 61 let the record show that's gayer than anything i've ever done before My mom is gay too.

Speaker 12 My mom's gay.

Speaker 128 Now you know where I get it from.

Speaker 13 I have a gay mom.

Speaker 86 But seriously, I'll give you her info after this.

Speaker 81 You guys are gonna be, she's hilarious.

Speaker 49 You guys are gonna be friends.

Speaker 39 That's your new mom.

Speaker 15 New mom, JP Hinsdale.

Speaker 46 Big joke book. There you go.

Speaker 163 Boom.

Speaker 65 Right in the breadbasket.

Speaker 167 The first ever comedian to win a new mom.

Speaker 47 There she goes. Get back to your seat, you little fucking show stealer.

Speaker 139 Really milking it.

Speaker 58 Really, really likes the spotlight.

Speaker 42 She's used to it.

Speaker 36 Only mom on the show's history to do a set, an appearance on panel, and now be bestowed upon a new comedian.

Speaker 49 Ari Maddie's about to do a joke about how he wants to fuck my mom.

Speaker 132 Go ahead.

Speaker 8 Do it.

Speaker 14 Strike me down.

Speaker 14 Kill your master.

Speaker 68 I mean, how long is she in town?

Speaker 49 She's the Gemini.

Speaker 44 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Zach Black.

Speaker 15 This looks like a new name, Zach Black.

Speaker 139 Here he is.

Speaker 12 One more time for Zach Black, everybody.

Speaker 6 Hell yeah.

Speaker 110 I went to Home Depot today to pick up a lawnmower.

Speaker 170 Man, it's going to be a shame when Trump sends them back.

Speaker 170 Over the next four years, the price of eggs might go down, but the price of lawn care is going way up.

Speaker 170 I'll tell you, if you're ever shopping for an immigrant, get there early.

Speaker 170 I got there late last week. The good ones go quick.
There was only one left in stock.

Speaker 170 One Guatemalan standing there with a paintbrush and a rake.

Speaker 170 I'll come back.

Speaker 170 Texas is great for everybody, although it is still a little segregated by city.

Speaker 170 Dallas is for white people, Houston's for black people, San Antonio's for Mexicans, and Austin's for fags.

Speaker 59 And if you're half black and half white, Corpus Christi.

Speaker 170 If you're half white and half Mexican, El Paso.

Speaker 170 But if you're half black and half a fag, I'm sorry, you have to leave Texas and go back to Atlanta.

Speaker 58 Zach Black.

Speaker 58 Good stuff, Zach.

Speaker 59 What up, Tony? How are you, buddy?

Speaker 99 How long have you been on Stand-Up Agun?

Speaker 170 Seven years.

Speaker 99 Right, seven years.

Speaker 80 A lot of that in L.A., right?

Speaker 63 No.

Speaker 92 From Buffalo, New York.

Speaker 78 Buffalo.

Speaker 170 I've told you that before, but I'm actually from a very small town outside of Buffalo, edge of a cornfield type shit. I just say Buffalo here.

Speaker 41 Okay. When did I meet you? Here?

Speaker 167 Yep. At Vulcan?

Speaker 170 Yeah, I worked here for like a year and a half. That's right.
Yeah. But then I don't just wasn't paying the bills, so I got a real job again.

Speaker 75 What's your real job?

Speaker 170 Well, I quit here to work construction, but then I got fired for an Instagram reel. So I made a fake bartending resume two months ago, and now I bartend.

Speaker 31 Love it.

Speaker 21 What was the reel that got you in trouble?

Speaker 170 It was just a selfie video. I was just talking about I work with you know Mexicans and I learned a lot of Spanish.

Speaker 73 And

Speaker 170 I said that punta madre means project manager.

Speaker 23 There it is.

Speaker 45 And

Speaker 73 they fired me. They fired me.

Speaker 170 And then they asked me to take down the reel.

Speaker 58 I was like, well, you did that in the wrong order. Yeah.

Speaker 43 That's very true.

Speaker 12 They did.

Speaker 78 Was it worth it?

Speaker 73 Yeah, where was it that you got fired from?

Speaker 170 No, that was a construction job.

Speaker 89 Oh, construction job.

Speaker 170 Apartment complex up in North Austin. Okay.

Speaker 86 Was it worth worth making the reel?

Speaker 70 Kind of.

Speaker 170 I was really happy because it was like my first successful reel and like two weeks of the great and then fired.

Speaker 161 So, yeah.

Speaker 170 It was kind of worth it, I guess.

Speaker 164 They just stumbled across it, or did you show a coworker or something?

Speaker 170 They saw it organically. Dude saw it on his algorithm, the owner of the company.

Speaker 100 Wow.

Speaker 23 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 95 They're like, all your co-workers have been liking this reel of yours.

Speaker 103 Sharing it around town.

Speaker 79 We looked them up.

Speaker 92 And yeah, I never met him before.

Speaker 29 What's it like?

Speaker 51 Explain to the people what it's like lying on your resume that you're a bartender and then all of a sudden being thrown to the wolves at an actual bartending shift at an actual bar.

Speaker 58 Is the bar busy?

Speaker 4 I'm sure.

Speaker 95 It's not that busy.

Speaker 167 Oh, okay. It was like the only one that would hire me.

Speaker 170 I went to a bunch of job interviews and they were like, what's in a martini? And I was like, I have no fucking clue.

Speaker 127 You said that?

Speaker 132 I tried to lie.

Speaker 58 I was like,

Speaker 64 gin?

Speaker 170 That type of thing and they were like, it's not going to work. But then this bar, they didn't ask that many questions and

Speaker 105 that's how every bartender gets a job by the way

Speaker 105 yes you lie yeah you have that's how i've got every job in my life i lie

Speaker 161 yeah uh it's going all right at the beginning it's been like two months at the beginning they would like order i don't know a manhattan and i'll be like yeah no problem and i would google it real quick and but now i'm good yeah why not yeah okay what do you do for fun zach black what would surprise us about your life the last guy is a morbidly obese adorable baby baby boy that got molested from 5 to 15.

Speaker 38 Try to compete with that.

Speaker 73 I will try to compete with that.

Speaker 170 I never talk about this, and most of my friends have no idea. But I actually don't have a right shoulder because of a football injury.
No right deltoid since I was 15 years old.

Speaker 97 What? Dan, nobody notices.

Speaker 73 You can't really tell, but I think about it.

Speaker 170 about every 30 seconds, every day of my life.

Speaker 6 Does it hurt?

Speaker 170 It's kind of numb. It doesn't really hurt.

Speaker 80 I can kind of see it now that you...

Speaker 160 Is it shoulder pat?

Speaker 122 No, no, just a baggy shoulder.

Speaker 105 Yeah, that is a bitch-ass shoulder.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 72 I mean, I can say as a man with no shoulders, you got off easy.

Speaker 170 Shoulder rose all neck.

Speaker 44 All right. Take it easy, Jack.

Speaker 63 I was trying to fight with it.

Speaker 63 You fucking cunt.

Speaker 79 Yeah, I never really thought of a way to make it funny.

Speaker 170 I think about writing a joke about it all the time, and I never I've been on this show a few times I never brought it up, but I figured fuck it.

Speaker 170 It's what you want to hear about don't you no shoulder up shit not that good. I also that's why I didn't want to bring it up It's not that crazy

Speaker 50 Yukuchandees wants to see it.

Speaker 100 Is it does it look different?

Speaker 99 It's just zero muscle kind of pull your shirt for a second that way

Speaker 58 you can tilt it.

Speaker 43 It's not that bad.

Speaker 30 The last guy had his mom slammed his head against a coffee table when he was killing him.

Speaker 23 This is

Speaker 23 a killer.

Speaker 99 This guy's like a football injury.

Speaker 27 My shoulder kind of looks different.

Speaker 170 You can tell. If I had my shirt off, you could tell.

Speaker 93 Yeah,

Speaker 14 can we see it? Let's see it.

Speaker 29 Oh, DeRosa's just drunk enough to want to see it.

Speaker 81 Look at this fucking guy.

Speaker 12 Hey, what's up, you pig boy?

Speaker 111 Hey, why do they keep calling DeRosa a pig?

Speaker 83 Fast forward two hours.

Speaker 44 Take your shirt off, dude

Speaker 100 wow an american patriot we're finding out not only what his shoulders look like but also who he voted for in the last election incredible the right candidate anyway yeah when you escape from the prison in cape fear you can tell what the fuck big time it's like kind of embarrassing you can tell my god the liver prince is here everybody

Speaker 16 keep that off

Speaker 43 This guy eats hard-boiled eggs during the day.

Speaker 44 Were you in the military?

Speaker 152 No, people asked me that.

Speaker 170 Just jacked.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 112 I couldn't go in the military.

Speaker 170 Not fit for service with the shoulder. And I had heart surgery.
Got two metal clamps on my heart.

Speaker 41 Let that been there.

Speaker 86 What do you have?

Speaker 170 That was when I was five years old. Just something didn't connect.
Blood wasn't getting oxygen.

Speaker 63 Baboon Heart.

Speaker 22 That's why he's the sound effect guy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 21 Baboon Heart has entered the chat.

Speaker 123 That's why he hits buttons for a living, everyone.

Speaker 32 For he said,

Speaker 23 Baboon Heart.

Speaker 75 All right, Zach Black.

Speaker 13 You already have a big chunk of it?

Speaker 44 Oh, he's got to pop in a Zen real quick.

Speaker 105 I love how he puts the back on, but not the shirt. I love that.

Speaker 21 Is that a Lucy breaker or a Zen?

Speaker 170 It's actually a Velo because they're the cheapest.

Speaker 132 Wow.

Speaker 111 Zach, why are you so nervous?

Speaker 97 You're shaking and shit, but you're a confident dude, man.

Speaker 59 Shoulder, man.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 73 i'm not busting your balls i'm really asking

Speaker 44 i don't know just a little nervous i'm just shaking i'm just energy i'm not that nervous but you got

Speaker 170 nervous dude been a while been a while since i've been on this show

Speaker 122 yep

Speaker 23 great

Speaker 92 that's what a while

Speaker 93 when are you due back on the set of american history actors

Speaker 49 here's a big joke book buddy congratulations thank you there you go Zach Black.

Speaker 15 All right, to end tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery can only write 20 seconds per week.

Speaker 64 It's very hard for him.

Speaker 22 So he cannot make it tonight.

Speaker 38 Ari Maddie is on panel.

Speaker 29 David Lucas opened the show.

Speaker 110 Which means there's only one real option to close a show like this.

Speaker 49 A Kill Tony legend who we haven't seen in months.

Speaker 10 If you know the lyrics to his introduction song, now is the time to sing it.

Speaker 63 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim.

Speaker 71 Hey, glad you had no one else left.

Speaker 116 Good to be here.

Speaker 115 I just got back from Asia, if you couldn't tell.

Speaker 91 Thank you.

Speaker 121 Gonichiwa.

Speaker 71 Yeah, I just got back from Asia. It's great being in Asia.

Speaker 137 I can unlock every iPhone on that continent.

Speaker 71 I love being back in America.

Speaker 167 Love America.

Speaker 71 I love having that gun. Now I can get into arguments at the mall.

Speaker 71 Can't wait till we get rid of DI.

Speaker 169 Soon Harvard is going to be all Asian.

Speaker 137 It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore. It's going to be called Chington.

Speaker 71 I met a guy from Lebanon recently.

Speaker 137 I didn't know that was a place. I thought it was QAnon for lesbians.

Speaker 71 All right. Well, that's my time.

Speaker 116 Thank you guys very much.

Speaker 12 Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim.

Speaker 49 That was Hans Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim

Speaker 100 still got it crisp delivery star power you look like a fucking absolute dictator

Speaker 21 incredible stage presentation I mean absolutely amazing for you to make that yourself and then dry clean it yourself and then wear it yourself absolutely amazing Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 58 You and your people can do.

Speaker 28 This is Joe DeRosi.

Speaker 72 Can I correct just one of your jokes?

Speaker 92 I love it.

Speaker 73 It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore.

Speaker 141 It's going to be called Rinkton.

Speaker 6 Ranked in.

Speaker 81 I disagree. I say lean into the slur.

Speaker 23 Ah.

Speaker 76 Well, you speak from experience.

Speaker 89 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Right there on that spot on this stage.

Speaker 83 I said that word, everybody.

Speaker 58 Freak now.

Speaker 49 Hans Kim, tell us what's been going on.

Speaker 137 I went to Asia with my girlfriend and her three friends. It was a fucking nightmare.

Speaker 102 Oh my god.

Speaker 62 Three girlfriends?

Speaker 137 Three of her friends that I wasn't allowed to have sex with.

Speaker 137 Right.

Speaker 99 So it's your girlfriend and three of her girl female friends.

Speaker 63 Yeah, and me.

Speaker 18 Right, yeah, I got that part, Hans.

Speaker 38 So you, her, and three.

Speaker 135 So it's you plus four, and it's your girlfriend and her friends who clearly your girlfriend's entertaining and hanging out with while just making sure you're not cheating on on her.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 30 How did that go? Tell us about it.

Speaker 74 Give us some actual details.

Speaker 81 Like sex in the city.

Speaker 38 I

Speaker 137 had a great time.

Speaker 6 We went to Disneyland.

Speaker 81 We went to Universal whatever there.

Speaker 57 You did American shit over there.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Did you pay for everything?

Speaker 153 I paid for like 30% of it.

Speaker 137 Yeah.

Speaker 99 Yeah. Hans is famously cheap.

Speaker 80 A little fun fact is that the regulars on this show tend to be very, very, very cheap people.

Speaker 64 Not Ari Maddie, not David Lucas, but William and Hans, notoriously miser-esque.

Speaker 105 So you paid for 30% of the trip, but you fucked only 25% of the trip.

Speaker 19 And we know that.

Speaker 78 That must have been a bell.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 137 I need like an over-the-pants hand job or something.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 143 So those girls, they paid for their flights, for their hotels and stuff?

Speaker 137 Yeah, I paid for some of the dinners.

Speaker 137 It's not like they paid for any of the dinners. So, like, I feel like I was a positive contribution, you know, did you bring that up to your girlfriend at all after you did it?

Speaker 121 Were you like, hey, I paid for dinner for you and your friends?

Speaker 137 I mean, then it kind of loses the appeal of the nice thing that I did.

Speaker 30 I know, that's why I asked you, and I will repeat the question.

Speaker 49 Let me remind you, it's a yes or no question.

Speaker 142 Did you mention it to your girlfriend verbally?

Speaker 121 Like, hey, I did pay for dinner for you and your friends.

Speaker 55 Yes.

Speaker 52 There you go. Thank you.

Speaker 33 Just making sure there.

Speaker 72 Were you like, that $11.75 really set me back here in Asia.

Speaker 79 It's cheap.

Speaker 63 Oh, fuck off.

Speaker 97 It's an affordable country, is my point.

Speaker 31 Continent?

Speaker 76 I don't know.

Speaker 94 I'm not here for facts, people.

Speaker 96 I'm just here to jump in with a zinger here and there.

Speaker 79 I never said I was well-read.

Speaker 62 Do it. Do a zinger.

Speaker 116 I got a good zinger.

Speaker 95 Folks, it's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore.

Speaker 37 It's going to be called RinkedIn.

Speaker 58 Do you get it?

Speaker 95 Folks, listen.

Speaker 93 Food is cheap in Asia.

Speaker 44 How cheap is it?

Speaker 74 How cheap is it?

Speaker 94 A dinner for four would only cost you $11.75.

Speaker 74 So silly.

Speaker 24 Hans, what else, buddy?

Speaker 47 You look fantastic.

Speaker 124 You look like your own mother and grandmother right now.

Speaker 32 It is incredible.

Speaker 29 Strong female energies while being a very masculine boy.

Speaker 4 Steve Roberts. Thank you.

Speaker 137 Got this from a Chinese market called Timu.

Speaker 132 Ah.

Speaker 137 Yeah, just living life. My birthday is coming up soon.

Speaker 78 May 31st.

Speaker 58 May 31st. Okay.

Speaker 39 How do you celebrate your birthday, Hans?

Speaker 135 What are you looking forward to doing?

Speaker 137 I'm having a little pool party and then I'm having a real party at 9 p.m. Whoa.

Speaker 123 9 p.m.

Speaker 167 That's an exact start time if I've ever heard one.

Speaker 43 Is it at your place?

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 65 No.

Speaker 48 What are you, what's going to be at your party?

Speaker 110 Karaoke.

Speaker 73 There's a surprise.

Speaker 137 It's $11.75 if you want to.

Speaker 22 Sell us on it. Sell us on this party.

Speaker 128 Karaoke.

Speaker 137 There's going to be Katan. There's going to be a game of katan going on you can hop in hop i thought you meant chris katan

Speaker 37 the old snl star

Speaker 6 perhaps you remember what was it not goat man

Speaker 46 yeah you ate like the

Speaker 108 mango mango mango yeah all right i'm pretty sure we're all wasted we should end the show uh hans kim any closing words i love you guys uh please be safe and have a a great night.

Speaker 65 Wow. Hans Kim.

Speaker 12 Catch him.

Speaker 29 All over the world on the Killers of Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden the night before the Madison Square Garden kill Tony.

Speaker 38 How about another hand for Ari Maddie, everybody?

Speaker 61 Ari Maddie will be at Madison Square Garden the night before MSG.

Speaker 60 Joe DeRosa's new special comes out on YouTube at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube, correct?

Speaker 61 July 21st. He's gonna be at Zany's in Nashville, July 27th and 28th, or is that June?

Speaker 61 June 27th and 28th.

Speaker 61 Ari Maddie is a superstar here on Kill Tony. Joe DeRosa's on tour at Joe Dorosacomedy.com.
Is that the right website?

Speaker 65 Joe DeRosa.com.

Speaker 61 Also, check out Joey Rose's, one of the best sandwich shops anywhere is in New York City. Thank you to Shopify, Nicked, and OpenPhone for this episode, Red Band.

Speaker 63 Love you guys.

Speaker 61 We love you guys. Thank you so much.

Speaker 154 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 145 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 145 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 145 Yo, this is important man.

Speaker 175 Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called pacebreakers. The ones with all the pockets.

Speaker 175 I just got back from vacation, and I left them in my hotel room. And dude, I need to replace these shorts.
I wear them like three times a week. Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Speaker 175 Oh, also, my birthday's coming up soon. So, anyways, thanks, bro.
Talk soon.

Speaker 179 Looking for your newest go-to's? Lululemon What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays. Every Tuesday, head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear.