#724 - JOE DEROSA + ARI MATTI

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, it's a Swearman coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get retoned and

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

And the best stand band in the land, ladies and gentlemen.

Am I correct?

Indeed, that is Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Huevos Rancheros.

This is Matt Muelling right here behind me on the electric.

This is John Dees on the keys.

And believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, that is D-Madness.

That's the first time I've ever gotten to use the blind stick before.

That's very exciting.

This is Kill Tony brought to you by Shopify, Nick, and OpenPhone.

You're at the number one live podcast in the world.

Some people, including YouTube and Netflix, are saying we're the new number one comedy show in the world, everybody, right here in Austin, Texas.

Where it all started in Austin Vulcan Gas Company.

Not a lot of people know this, but we came straight here during the pandemic.

We didn't go anywhere else in Austin.

We support no other clubs other than, of course, our new home of the comedy mothership.

And we decided, decided why not do some fun throwback episodes in the grungy fucking

one of the just the dirtiest sixth street clubs that there is

we're back at vulcan gas company and you are here those of you lucky enough to get tickets within the first four minutes of them being on sale We're going to have fun tonight.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

You know, every single week, I book two or one sometimes of the funniest people in the world.

This is a two-person show and because we're at Vulcan and because this is just grungy true Austin Texas feel to me.

It's not brand new.

It's smoky.

It's leaky.

This building is very leaky.

And it just reminds me of a random ass fun night in Austin.

So I invited not only two of the best comedians in the world, but two of my favorite Austinites, two of my favorite drinking buddies, two of the best comedians in the world working today.

Indeed, make some noise for Joe DeRosa and Ari Matty,

the Estonian assassin

and the dirty pig,

Joe DeRosa,

file horrendous

Estonian assassin.

Oh

my god.

Oh

my God.

Live in the flesh, Ari Matty.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

How are we doing, okay?

Thank God.

Ari's the man.

This is the dirtball pig himself, Joe DeRosa.

The king pig.

How are you, buddy?

We're having fun tonight.

I'm so excited to be back here.

The first time I ever did Kill Tony in Austin, it was at the Vulcan.

And it's been at the mothership ever since.

But it's so fucking cool to be back here at this place.

It's a vibe.

Ari, you got to perform here.

Never.

Really?

Never.

You were post-mothership.

Post-mothership.

Wow.

Amazing.

Amazing.

So we did it.

Hunch.

This is where you did it.

Oh, Red Band's tits are shaking.

What's going on?

What are you laughing at over here?

Oh, okay.

Fun, fun, fun.

Sorry, I was trying to get a look at his tits.

Yeah, they are are some fucking sweet fucking.

They are good tits.

Thick and hardy.

Yeah.

Old turkey breasts over there.

All right.

You guys know how the show works?

About a 200 or so.

Comedians, make some noise real quick.

Wait, you guys are all comedians?

That's psychotic.

You guys don't take direction very well, but I like your energy.

They're back there, that's the point.

There's a couple hundred comedians smashed over on the other side of the room.

The overflows at a bar next door.

It's all chaos.

If I pull one of of their names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

which loudly interrupts their set.

And then I conduct an interview and we talk shit and figure out more about them.

They go through an entire interview process.

And

yeah, that's the gist of it.

But to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are fans of Kill Tony?

How many of you are here because you had rich parents and you live in Austin?

You want to be part of the coolest thing in town?

Okay.

That was good.

Nobody failed that task.

Well, the fans of the show, you're in for a very special treat.

This man is a Kill Tony Hall of Famer to start the show tonight.

He's one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, roast God.

Make some noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody.

Oh my god.

The show

starting with David Lucas.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like

I was born in the wrong generation.

I feel like I should have been 30 like in the 80s or the 70s.

Because like girls in 2025 are too freaky for me.

Like

I hate this squirting shit.

I don't like it.

It's like, do you think bitches were squirting during slavery?

They couldn't.

They were too dehydrated.

I don't know when this squirting shit became popular, bro.

I think squirting came out with Ugg boots.

You know what I'm saying?

You hoes started wearing Uggs and started pissing everywhere.

It's always weird when you fuck a girl and she squirts.

She's like, oh my God, I just squirted.

It's like, bitch, you didn't squirt.

You just fucked my mattress up, bitches.

This is a purple mattress.

Hoe, I got to throw this shit out now.

But, ladies, if you do have to squirt, which we know by now is P, we just have one request: just please hydrate.

You know what I'm saying?

Drink some fucking water because don't nobody want that mimosa ass piss you hoes be having.

That shit be strong as hell, like mixing Clo Rocks with Fabuloso.

I gotta

wear goggles to eat your pussy, bitch.

All right, that's it.

Thank you,

David Lucas.

Yeah.

I just look at this gay nigga and start laughing.

Who, me?

Nigga, your head too big to be gay.

David, don't you find that the squirt dilutes the barbecue sauce stains that are already on the mattress?

I mean, she's doing you a favor.

Joe DeRosa, big head bitch.

When you eat a bitch out, your forehead is going to be giving her tongue kisses.

You have so many food packages delivered to your house they had to change the name of the app to post office mate

you look like you got a football helmet on nigga shut the fuck up

fucking New York Jets helmet wearing motherfucker

you got a big ass head nigga you if you had but a nigga you going to jail for murder

I thought they discontinued chocolate Twizzlers.

You have them on your head right now.

Jesus Christ, bro.

I hate to see you put on a fucking motorcycle helmet nigga god damn how would you be an astronaut nigga that's

i don't know

i just want to shoot you in it

David Lucas,

talking about making girls squirt.

Is that a thing that you do?

Can you do that?

Yeah.

How do you do that?

Are you sure it's not your sweat that's just there

at the end of a session?

You the only nigga that can squirt.

Get the fuck out of here.

Wow.

Well, like, no, you put it in and then you go like this.

Oh, okay.

Curl it.

One finger?

I got big fingers, dog, so this is.

You got really tiny fingers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The bowling ball.

Yeah, give it a

Speaking of bowling balls, David Lucas is still here.

Around and black indeed.

How's life been, David?

Life has been amazing, nigga.

Just trying to stay away from gay niggas like you.

How often are you around gay N-words?

Every time I do,

every time I do kill something.

You son of a bitch.

Real homophobia.

You're wiping a lot of sweat off your face.

It's hot up here, dog.

God, this has been smoky.

Is it?

This shit like a fucking...

This shit like a rap music video.

That girl is poison.

Hey.

The fuck.

David, what else have you been up to?

You been on the road and stuff?

Yes, sir.

Touring all across the country doing the Killers of Kill Tony tour.

Me, Ari, Cam, Martin Phillips, Aaron Blau.

What's it like?

It's a cripple, three blacks, and me.

Yeah,

Killers of Kill Tony.

It's the most Kill Tony shit ever, bro.

It is.

Two retards, a white, and three niggas.

That shit fun as hell, bro.

I hope that shit don't never stop.

I have so much fun.

Tell me about the road part, not the shows.

What's it like being out with Martin Phillips and stuff?

I don't go out with that nigga.

I do.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

I have time.

I have patience.

I already be riding the car with you.

Dude, when it's windy outside,

we're going wherever the wind takes us.

You know what I'm saying?

Martin ain't fighting wind.

You know, Martin Phillips towards the direction and hopes for the best.

You know, Martin Phillips drives from show to show.

I'm driving, I'm in his car.

I know.

You got my steps.

I'm scary as shit, dude.

I take edibles and I just watch Martin drive.

Dude, we're overtaking people.

We're smoking weed.

It's crazy.

You should see when people look in the car and they're like, he's driving?

Goddamn right.

That shit weird as hell, bro.

Wow.

Hell yeah.

My goodness.

You should join us on one, though.

That should have been.

I'll pop in on one.

People always ask, where's Tony?

Yeah, that's a separate.

I'd be like, somewhere getting fucked.

You son of a bitch.

How dare you?

What do you eat when you're on the road?

Everybody.

Everything.

You should see the rider when in the group chat.

Everyone gets their order.

You should see this motherfucker.

Please tell.

Please give me the fucking.

Wait, talk, I wish I had my phone.

Nigga, the fucking Russian that killed Apollo Creed is Charlie Rosamond.

I must distort you.

Get the fuck out of here, boy.

With that goddamn wham, bam.

Sure, though.

Nigga, that shit look like comic, comic book.

The way he keeps doing jokes, I can tell there's a lot on this rider.

I want to know more about the riders.

No!

Don't

worry about it.

Two rotisserie chickens.

Oh, dude.

Three packs of watermelon cool-ado

the producers are like this is not an easy rider

it literally just looks like a list of stereotypes

one uh cd burner

this guy's got one hell of a chicken bucket list one fire detector with no batteries

Hey, man, fuck you, nigga.

You go ask for an avocado-sized Ibiprof, nigga.

Big head at.

Three job applications.

Tony, you see.

A probation officer live in the flash.

David Lucas' rider, everybody.

That's

what's waiting for you in green rooms.

If you guys want to see what your job is.

Pickles and cucumbers.

I'm surprised you know what those vegetables are, David.

You son of a bitch.

How dare you.

Son of a bitch.

We're having fun here.

David, you are the greatest person to get a show started.

You are so much fun.

Anything else you want to say to this audience?

What do you say to these people?

No, y'all know where to find me at.

David.

Look at this Indian guy with the backwards hat trying to.

That's an Indian.

That nigga black as hell.

That nigga look like a character on Mortal Kombat You Can't Unlock.

That motherfucker black as shit, boy.

What the fuck?

He really put the N in Indian.

God damn.

That is why I know.

You Indian for real?

You ain't a nigga?

God damn, bro.

That's why I know.

Because I was looking.

I'm like, oh, thank God we have a cool black.

Oh, fuck.

Ah, it's a fucking...

It's a tech guy from San Francisco.

Am I right?

You work in tech?

You grew up here, but you work in tech.

Yes, of course.

Of course I do.

I'm from Austin.

Don't ever say say your proposal.

You got out of tech part, right?

But you're a rural size of the go again.

I swear to God, I'm from Texas.

I have multiple guns.

Nine millimeter.

He is a black.

He blackest shit.

He is.

This is the darkest Indian I've ever seen in my life.

You could see his red dot if he had one.

Yeah.

Looks like a slum doggy dog.

He worked at 7-Eleven and still out of the cash register.

It looks like he'd fly an airplane into a KFC.

If he tried to fly one, it'd run out of gas before he hit a building.

And he definitely wouldn't have insurance on his airplane.

No seatbelts on his plane, boy.

Yo, ass be holding on like you riding the train.

But two 12-inch subwoofers for some reason in the cockpit.

All right, David Lucas, you're the man.

You got it started.

Here we go.

It's on.

Kill Tony live from Vulcan Gas Company.

That's the Kill Tony Hall of Famer right there starting the show.

David Lucas, one of four members of the Hall of Fame.

All right.

This is your first bucket pull of the night.

This is where anything can happen.

Maybe it's a local top-rising young comedian.

Maybe it's someone that's been trying for years to get on this show.

Maybe it's a completely insane person.

anything can happen this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from taylor neely everybody

taylor neely is starting the bucket portion of the show

here we go make some noise one more time for taylor neely everyone

I recently found out I'm 2% Italian, so I have been hitting my girlfriend.

I got some bad news today.

My veterinarian called and told me my dog is sick.

Like he's really shut up.

Yeah, he's really fucking sick.

Like he can't stop riding skateboards and smoking cigarettes.

My dog is sick, dude.

Are you guys afraid of artificial intelligence?

Yeah.

I'm not, but I have smoked crack, cocaine.

with the homeless and that is something chat GPT cannot do.

After this, actually, I'm going to order a Waymo and have it drive me off a bridge.

The other day, you ever see someone in the front seat of a Waymo?

It looks like they're having their imaginary friend drive the car.

The other day, I saw a homeless person washing the windshield on a Waymo.

It's a driverless car.

Also, there was no one in that car.

It was a personless car.

Thank you.

All right.

Taylor Neely, you've been on this show before, correct?

Yes.

Welcome back.

How long has it been?

October.

Okay.

Do you sign up every week?

Pretty much.

All right.

How long have you been on stand-up?

A little over four years.

Four years.

All of it here in Austin?

No, in Atlanta before this.

Okay.

How long have you been here?

Since August.

Since August.

Okay.

All right.

How's this different than Atlanta?

Tell the people around the world how Austin's different than Atlanta.

Let's all say it together.

Less black.

That's true.

That's true.

It's a true thing.

I'm not making that up.

It's not racist.

It's just a true thing.

I thought, I want to give an honest critique of your set.

I thought when you stopped trying to be shocking, which you were trying to do at the beginning,

and when you stopped saying things that were obviously fake about your dog playing Xbox, whatever the fuck that fake was, when you started to actually say real things you saw, you started getting big laughs, man.

Stick to that shit.

Stick to the real shit, dude.

Yeah.

Well, I wanted to.

Last time I was here, I didn't, I did like audience call and response stuff.

And Tony, you didn't like that as much.

So I wanted to.

Neither did the crowd or the viewers at home.

I like that you're putting it on me.

Well,

nobody liked it.

It's not like I have some irrational

viewpoint.

You almost went into the crowd during your set, so you almost went off.

Someone was talking.

Yeah.

Yeah, we noticed when you said shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

We were aware.

Yeah.

But

I just wanted to do a bunch of jokes back to back is what I wanted to do.

That was my plan, and I did that.

Okay.

Well, you did your plan.

Jokes back to back.

Next time, do good ones.

What do you do for work?

Handyman.

You're a handyman.

You have huge forearms, I'm noticing.

You have Popeye-like forearms.

I did wrestle from first grade to senior of high school.

So in Ohio.

Wow.

So you're originally from Ohio?

Yes, Columbus.

Okay.

I was just outside Youngstown, actually.

What were you doing outside of Youngstown?

I was visiting my friend who lives in Boardman.

Nothing cool, just visiting my friend.

That's where the rich kids are from.

Is that true?

It seemed like a nice area, because I know some areas aren't.

Yeah, Youngstown's

Boardman's a township outside that people say when they move to other cities, they go I'm from Youngstown and I can always tell they go boardman yeah because they look normal and human yeah like they had parents and water as a kid yeah it's a whole thing people from youngstown get it don't worry about it not the victim

what do you do for fun Taylor for fun I golf I love to golf

go to the gym I'm sober so I have to not drink

why are you sober

Because I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.

I'll smoke crack.

Yeah, I'll smoke crack cocaine immediately.

Really?

You've smoked crack cocaine?

What was bottom?

What was bottom?

Bottom?

There's lower than crack cocaine?

Yeah, but I want to know

the worst thing that.

No, I'm not saying drugs worse.

I want to know what's the most regretful night of crack you've ever done.

Sucking up.

The world wants to know, and now he answers the question.

Well, since I've been to Austin, I've been to the psych ward twice.

Okay.

Wow.

Turns out bottom is in the basement

Why are you not talking about that in your act?

That's that's the shit you got to do instead of your dogs riding a fucking skateboard around town.

Yeah, you're in a goddamn psych ward.

Turns out your dog's healthier than you are.

Tell us about the psych ward.

Yeah.

Well, I was on the regular floor, like for sad people.

The regular floor?

Oh, yeah.

The floor, no, the regular sad people floor and the floor above are like the the real crazy people.

We went into this like gymnasium one day, and there was this guy just like, some people you see out on 6th Street, like legitimately crazy people, and he started yelling about Joe Biden and saying this was Joe Biden's fault, and just, you know.

Well, that guy's right.

He's not that crazy.

That guy sounds like a genius to me.

That's the same shit I was saying.

And I wasn't in the psych ward at all.

I love, though.

I love that no matter how low of a bottom somebody hits, they always think there's somebody worse.

Right.

So he's in a psych ward and and they're like no no no the really crazy people are up there no no no you're on the normal crazy you're showing signs of improvement you're doing good stick with us here your program's almost up those guys are gonna be here forever those ones that are right about modern day politics

okay taylor give us one more crazy fun fact about you One more crazy fun fact about me.

Oh, Guy Fieri paid me $1,000 one time.

Okay, let's go back, actually.

So when you say you've been to the psych ward here twice, was that immediately after like crazy crack benders?

No, it's just it was alcohol withdrawal and I said I was gonna kill myself.

Oh,

what floor is that?

Regular?

How what kill yourself is first floor or second or third?

Second floor, third floor is

third.

That's what that's what I want to do.

Real crazies, second is just sad alcoholics, and one is administrative, I guess.

How close did you come to actually killing yourself, do you think?

I don't know.

When you get to alcohol withdrawal, DTs are pretty rough, and you're shaking and seeing bugs out of the corner of your eye, and it sucks a lot.

And I had like guns out in my apartment and my friend came over and then he called the police.

It was more for a cry of help.

I don't know if I would have done it.

How much were you drinking right before then to have those types of withdrawals?

Oh, this is the most pussy shit ever.

I drank twisted teas for like 24 hours a day.

24 hours a day.

Such a funny alcoholic.

Twisted teas, dude.

Put him on the first floor.

Twisted teas, dog.

Put him on the first floor.

He's not crazy.

He's just a pussy.

Suicidal over a tea?

Twist the tea.

Fuck out of here, dude.

Aw, somebody have too much tea.

Too much tea.

Crack and twisted tea.

I love it.

Oh my God.

Turns out I have all the tea.

24 hours of tea.

Just fucking twist it.

Holy shit, man.

So 24 hours a day, let's talk about the amount.

Let's talk about a measurable amount.

Are we talking tall cans?

I don't know, because I think once you go through DTs the first time, your body goes to it quicker the second time.

And it's just

probably 30 to 50 12 ounce cans a day.

That's a lot of sugar.

Is that a lot?

Yeah, no, yeah.

It's also the sh sugar.

There's a lot of sugar.

I think David Lucas has your same addiction.

Yeah.

He does the non-alcoholic twisted tea.

Hey, yo, give me 30, 50 cans of that motherfucking.

All right, Taylor.

So

that's crazy.

That's wild.

What would you do in these states of mind?

30, 50 twisted teas in.

Oh,

watch college football and

watch

watch Bob does sports on YouTube, watch YouTube videos and pass out and come to watching long-form golf videos.

Wow.

I went to the Psych Ward

when Ohio State played Oregon.

I passed out halfway through that game.

And then I went to the Psych Ward that night.

Yeah.

That was a rough game.

Hey, but guess who won it all, Tony?

We got him back, buddy.

O-H.

All right.

My friend, congratulations.

Fun times.

Interesting stuff.

I agree with Joe, rough start, but at the end you picked it up.

Fucking talk about your crazy life, dude.

People will find you more interesting.

You come across as a fucking sober Jesse Pinkman.

You gotta fucking get into the good shit.

Give us that good shit.

You guys having fun yet?

Oh my god, it's Heidi.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Alright.

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All right, make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Aaron West.

Aaron West.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

All right, well, we'll see what happens here.

Aaron West.

Okay,

here we go.

Any second.

She's coming from the east.

Here he is.

Make some noise one more time for Aaron West.

Well, howdy, howdy, howdy, y'all.

Welcome to a little place I like to call.

Texas.

No, I've never been there before.

Never been to this building.

So tonight I was a little bit confused.

You see, I was turning the corner and I saw an ocean of homeless people and a giant-ass line to the front door.

And I thought, well, damn, that place must have some pretty good soup.

You see, you know it's a good soup kitchen when people with shoes start lining up.

Didn't know whether to get the hobo bisque or the cream of vagrant.

Same soup, but a little more

floaters.

Now, folks,

today I saw a sports car.

I know what you're thinking, fellas.

Sports car?

Oh, yeah.

This is a Dodge Challenger.

Easy, bubba.

And it had a decal on it that said, scat pack.

Now, call me old-fashioned, but isn't packing scat just a fancy term for butt sex?

This is my impersonation of a Hispanic man working at a Burger King moments after Dolly Parton walks out.

Oh, hot button.

You see her?

She had some impossible whoppers.

That's it.

All right.

Aaron West.

I like your style, man.

You're a silly goose.

I'm a little out there.

Yeah, I like it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

On and off, but mainly off for about 10 years.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

Why off?

Why are you stopping?

I

liked to drink new cocaine a lot more than I liked to sit down and write.

Wow.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Not anymore.

Let's talk a little bit more about this here.

It's a common theme.

Yeah.

So

what's your lowest point?

Yeah, I mean, similar, you know, you get to a point where...

Second floor?

Oh.

Oh, I'm at the basement.

I'm at the basement with a shovel.

No, probably the last day I drank.

Oh.

The last day I drank, folks, it was like any other day.

Except for I wasn't as drunk as I wanted to be.

I was too drunk.

And the next day I woke up with a tattoo of a...

lobster with boobs on my arm

and that's when i knew put the cap on the bottle and put it in the basement man and that's where I was heading basement with a shovel wow

you fit in just right around here

what do you do for work I work at a restaurant you're a waiter yeah yeah

how

how old are you uh 35 35

okay what do you do for fun

well

I I write a lot I make little wacky videos

They're called beef squeaks.

Beef squeaks.

Explain to us what those are.

It's like a one-man show.

It's me doing multiple characters.

Kind of like this, but a little more zany.

Yeah.

It gets zanier.

It does.

Okay.

Yeah, it really does.

When it's just me and a camera,

lock the doors.

That is the perfect word to describe him, is zany.

He's extremely zany.

Speaking of which, Joe DeRosa is performing at Zaney's in Nashville June 27th and 28th.

That was very nice.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Because he's also Zaney.

I am Zaney.

I hope to see you all there.

I enjoy your zaniness.

I think if you figure out a way to be a little more organic with the mugging stuff, the meh,

you know, that stuff.

I feel like if you figure out a way to organically weave that in a little bit more, it's going to be a really strong suit for you.

But I thought your jokes are really funny, man.

That soup joke is really fucking funny.

Appreciate it.

Yeah, seriously.

Are you married?

No, it's uh, I wear this for sobriety.

It's like a promise to myself.

Okay, wow.

I meant to leave it in my pocket, but they were wanding me down, and I put it on my finger.

Incredible.

How long have you had that sobriety ring on your finger?

Uh,

so I guess I was serious about sobriety once I hit a year, and I'm four and a half years now.

Nice.

Thanks.

Very good.

It's really wild doing this sober.

Like I'm it's really wild.

I've never done comedy sober.

Interesting.

You mean till ten.

Yes.

I hadn't done comedy in about seven, eight years.

This is your first time doing it in seven years.

I've been doing it sober, yes.

Incredible.

Wow.

Amazing.

A lot of people, when they get sober from a crippling addiction, they fill their lives with another addiction.

What do you think that addiction is since you haven't done stand-up since then?

It must be something else.

Is it women rollerblading

what is it or if they're walking uh no um i like uh

i like i i collect artwork paintings i have a lot of like a crazy amount of paintings it's like kind of disgusting whoa wow like you see some gold diggers right up there

uh i mean floor to ceiling my place is like you know the like etsing gallery walls like every single wall is covered it's it's kind of like people walk into my place and they're like set back a little bit it's a tiny little apartment um in a nicer area, but it's super cheap.

I tell people it's like it's a forgotten apartment complex because all these like mansions were built around it.

And they're like, well, the pool boy has to live somewhere.

And like, those are our fucking apartments.

What are the paintings of?

I mainly, I personally love paintings of

like 18th century, like kind of like Mr.

Burns, like creepy men.

Like, that's like what I have.

You look like a creepy Mr.

Burns.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

A young Mr.

Burns.

That's why people get creeped out.

Every painting in your house looks like a painting.

You cut the eyes out of to spy on people.

Yeah.

It's a lot of people that look like you.

Yeah, maybe.

There's a young, unsuccessful David Copperfield in there.

Oh, yeah.

Are you Greek?

Am I what?

Are you Greek?

No.

Latino, right?

You're into Latino fashion, I see.

Well, thank you.

You did that as a joke earlier, Redban.

That was a thing.

Remember, you did it.

No, I'm German and German and Cherokee.

You're German and what?

And Cherokee Indian.

What the fuck happened there?

I don't know.

We hate to party with him.

Yeah, I don't know.

Wow.

All right, Aaron.

Fun times, buddy.

I liked your set.

Here's a big joke book.

Boom.

Good.

Aaron West.

On to the next one we go.

Fascinating, man.

Keep doing it.

Start doing it.

After seven years, that's going to be a good one.

Start doing it.

I'm going to come back.

Take care.

Hell yeah.

There he goes.

Aaron West, everybody.

Fun times.

That's your kind of guy.

He's a real hipster.

He's got paintings on his wall.

You're like...

Joe DeRosa is a hip guy.

I feel like if I got sober, I would act like that.

You would.

Which is why I keep drinking.

What's up, everybody?

Whoa!

Yeah, thanks for having me, Tony.

I'll be at Zane East.

All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Cynthia Brazil, everybody.

Cynthia Brazil.

Here she is.

One more time for Cynthia, everyone.

Ladies, I am thick and tired.

Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush because I am Brazilian.

We don't do bushes.

But as a woman, in order to savor two ounces of sausage, I have to put up with a 200-pound pig.

And I don't hate men, I shave my armpits.

But for example, if girls fuck boys, they're called sluts.

If men do the exact same, they win an island.

I'm not talking about Jeff Epstein.

I'm talking about fuck Boy Island.

Not the TV show, the Vatican.

Hallelujah.

That's my time.

Okay, Cynthia Brazil.

Man, what's crazy about that set is that the fuckboy island thing would have worked had we already not been convinced that you weren't funny before that.

Ouch.

Everything.

Shut up.

I loved her.

Really?

Shut up, Tony.

That was amazing.

Cynthia.

Wow.

That That was incredible, Cynthia.

I can totally mentor you later.

Yeah.

Cynthia.

Shut up, Tony.

Voice of a generation, Cynthia.

Cynthia, how long have you been doing stand-up?

A little less than three years.

Have you been on the show before?

Nope.

Okay, less than three years.

Where at?

I'm at the Ding Dong Show every Monday with Don Barris.

That's right.

I've done Australia.

How long have you been on the Ding Dong show?

It's going to be a year next month.

Wow, that is so cool.

I did not know that.

So

you've been doing the Ding Dong Show every Monday for a year.

Yes.

And what do you do on the Ding Dong show?

For those of you that don't know, the Ding Dong Show is famously the longest running show at the comedy store.

It's not particularly a stand-up show.

It's led by the great Don Barris, who's been our guest numerous times, the creator of the great movie Windy City Heat.

And he has a very,

how would you describe the show?

It's hard to describe.

I do stand-up.

Nicole Tran is in it too.

She does stand up.

But there are some people that do their stuff and they're a little bit, you know, crazy.

Well, you know, you're familiar with the people that come here, a little autistic, a little crazy.

Yeah.

And, you know, we welcome everyone.

Absolutely.

It's a very open format.

So

how long of a set do you do there on mondays uh now i've been doing six but before it was like 10 15 sometimes but but then dawn is amazing dawn and mary jane so it's been really good to be over there learning from them and all that stuff how many spots a week do you live in la i do and so like you get out a lot and do spots open mics and stuff i do yeah i um i did like a mini tour in florida with phil medina and uh jason schuster i did east coast i've done australia how do you make money let her finish.

Two shots of whiskey in the green room.

What would have happened if you would have done three?

Go ahead, my angel.

I have another tour for you, by the way.

Bottle service and bartending.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's in L.A.

Yes, that's in LA.

All right.

You do bottle service in L.A.

Yeah.

Okay.

De-Madness, I found a new all-blind bar you can go to.

It's for blind people that don't care how hot the bottle service girls are.

Wow.

Nobody?

Tony, what the fuck?

I'm kidding.

It's a rain twice today.

Okay, I'm kidding, Cynthia.

It's an ongoing joke between me and Ari.

He likes you.

We're doing good, good, cop out.

Tony, I'm leaving the show.

Out.

Cynthia, what do you do for fun?

You have kids?

No.

Okay.

Yes.

Oh, Red Band.

Oh, Red Band's got a chance all of a sudden.

What the fuck was that?

You know how to do make body shots?

Nothing.

Not that kind of club.

Okay.

Anyway.

Cynthia, what do you do for fun?

I don't know.

I don't go go out as much now because I'm at a concert venue like three times a week.

So just, you know, hiking, go to the gym, go to the movies.

I started with acting before I.

Did you ever do any acting?

Yeah.

What did you play?

Well,

there's a lot of like credits on AMDB.

So I've done like action movies.

I've done like a kids' show too

where I got to sing.

That was a really cheesy one.

Why don't we do a little acting scene?

Oh, no.

Why don't we do?

Ari Maddie is a secret agent.

Yeah.

Ari Maddie is a secret agent, and the only way you're going to let her out of the interrogation...

The only way you're going to let her out of the interrogation is she has to sing to you.

Whoa.

Le lon, le long, lele.

No.

Shakida.

That was Shakita.

Okay.

Here we go.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, this summer,

what happens when an Estonian secret agent has to interrogate a blonde chick?

Cynthia, my angel, we have to save the world.

Okay.

That's good, improvise.

We have to save the world, Cynthia.

And for this to happen, to stop the nuclear attack on America.

We have to kill Tony.

That's good acting.

That's good improvising right there.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Cynthia, you must sing.

Whoa.

Shakira's pretty good.

Hips don't lie, but men do.

I called you men.

Most people call you gay.

I was respectful.

Okay, all right.

Very good.

I can't understand anything you're saying.

It's all good.

We're not alone.

It's all good.

Yes.

All right.

Great scene, guys.

Great scene.

unbelievable

that was great Cynthia once-in-a-lifetime experience literally amazing Daniel Day Lewis

it's your mind that I'm interested not your body

Cynthia did you have fun here tonight oh so much fun so grateful here you go here's a medium joke book you're gonna be able to catch it believe in yourself there you go Cynthia

I'm not going to be able to catch it.

I'm not going to be able to catch it.

There she goes.

Cynthia Brazil, everybody.

Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change.

Your receipt did.

The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5.

Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Prices and participation may vary.

I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone.

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This looks like a fun next name.

Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody.

It's Mushroom Matt.

Mushroom matte.

This is definitely a first time.

Could be a mat we've seen before on mushrooms.

Or it's just a new comedian.

Mushroom matte.

I would know if I've seen a mushroom mat before.

How many of you like oxygen out there?

How many of you like air?

How many of you like a cold water on a hot day?

Fuck yeah, one more time for mushroom mat everybody

Alright, my love life has been cursed from the jump.

First girl I hooked up with, lost my virginity, gained chlamydia.

Didn't even know I had it for over a year.

I thought I was getting that burning sensation because my girlfriend had a spicy pussy.

Okay, I realize that sounds childish.

I was 16.

I wasn't even surprised when I started getting that burn.

I mean, she literally said her pussy was fire.

On top of that, the bitch would eat hot Cheetos for breakfast.

If pineapples make your body fluids taste sweet, what the fuck do you think that's gonna do?

Here's the sick, twisted.

Here's the sick, twisted part about the whole ordeal.

When I did find out how to come in, I didn't want the cure.

Turns out, I liked it.

Okay, I realize that sounds sick.

Let me try to explain.

I love spicy food.

If I can order something spicy, I do.

Fried rice, spicy.

Salsa, spicy.

Ramen, spicy as hell.

Sex, spicy, please.

Y'all don't realize the head of your dick and the tip of your tongue are like cousins.

Chlamydia is pretty much a sexual slaughter.

It spices up the bedroom.

It is hot sauce for your hot dog.

All right, thank you.

Okay, mushroom mat.

I've never had a guy talk about pussy his whole set, and yet we're all positive you're gay.

It's incredible.

Damn, really?

You are deep in the closet, mushroom man.

No!

Victory stream.

You got to relax, man.

Yeah.

It's not good to deliver your set like a car salesman who, if he doesn't make the sale, he's going to lose his job.

Just chill out, bro.

Okay, okay.

I'm very anti-guide normally.

I have like really high energy.

Are you on mushrooms?

No.

Well, like, it depends on what you consider on.

I micro-dose everybody.

Well, yeah, that's on.

Okay.

Okay.

What the fuck is going on anymore in the society?

Jesus Christ.

Depends on what you consider on.

Every day, that's some Jordan Peterson shit right there, right?

Well,

depends what you consider on.

You're on it, buddy.

That's mushrooms.

You do it every day?

Yeah.

What else do you do every day?

That's about it.

I mean, I smoke weed as well.

Matt, that's plenty.

Don't add anything else to that equation.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About three years.

What do you do for work?

I am a bartender at the Line Hotel.

Okay.

How long have you been doing that for?

About a month.

I just moved out here about three months ago.

From where?

The Bay Area.

Ooh, the Bay Area.

It's raining back!

No doubt about it.

You might be the first bartender in history where a customer doesn't have a problem ever getting another drink.

What do you need?

What do you need?

What do you need?

No, exactly.

I'm very quick.

Very quick.

I can make 20 drinks in five minutes.

Is that true?

Yeah.

We're gonna put that to the test right after this set, everybody.

Wait.

Okay.

What do you do for fun, mushroom, Matt?

So I'm really good at catching birds.

Jesus Christ.

You do that with like

hands?

Well, yeah, so like usually it's with the I have like my brothers.

We will dig a hole at the beach and then I'll hide inside of the hole under a towel and then my brothers will throw bread on top and then we'll catch the seagulls.

Bro, do less rooms.

Dude.

Matt, why the fuck do you do that?

It's...

God damn it.

Why do people go fishing?

It's for the thrill.

Right?

I mean, it's the same thing.

I like to fish too.

Going fishing and catching birds are not the same thing.

And seagulls are easy to catch, man.

Yeah, it's fun too.

How many birds do you think you've caught in your life?

Probably are in like double digits, at least 13.

Wow.

At least 13 birds have been caught.

And have any ever shown any signs of injury after you're going to be?

No, no, absolutely.

No.

I show more signs of injury.

I caught a goose one times and it smacked me in the face with its wing.

Wow.

Okay.

Just when you thought a seagull's life couldn't get any shittier.

How long?

What do you want to drink, seagull?

My pussy's burning.

This is is a spicy seagull.

This seagull smells like shit.

I like it.

All right.

Mushroom matte.

Why do you go by the name mushroom matte if you're just micro-dosing?

Well, I do macro-dose every once in a while as well.

I've done an ounce before.

You've done an ounce before at once.

My birthday three years ago.

It was a good time.

What exactly happened after you did an ounce?

Everything got super weird.

I think it's still pretty weird.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's eight times more than a lot.

So

things get super weird when I do a fraction of that.

How do you explain super weird?

The birds were catching me.

They put me in a towel.

I was just nibbling on their bread and they grabbed me.

I'm straight.

Get off me birds, you bitches.

Bitches, birds.

Noah, everything kind of just feels like you're in a haunted house.

It kind of gets scary.

It feels like there's spirits running around, but like sometimes they talk to you and you make friends.

Wow.

Do you remember what any of the spirits told you?

They told me not to do that many mushrooms again.

Okay.

So I really?

Yeah.

Spirits didn't bring up the birds at all?

No,

the seagulls are assholes.

They said they keep doing that.

Okay.

Okay.

Mushroom out, what are you doing around town when you're not doing stand-up or bartending?

I like to go fishing.

So you do go fishing.

You're obsessed with catching animals.

Yeah, yeah.

I have considered moving to Florida to like catch snakes in the Everglades to help with the Python problem.

Okay.

That's up.

I love catching animals.

I don't know.

Wow.

Did you know there was a Python problem?

This guy's filled with info I was not aware of.

What's the Python problem?

So in the Everglades, there's just like a lot of pythons, like Burmese pythons.

I guess the Hurricane Katrina like released all the pet store snakes, and so they just ran rampant inside of the Everglades, and they're like eating alligators and shit now.

It's pretty crazy.

Okay.

It's just

and you think you could help with that?

You think you could be one of the single-hand solutions to the python problem?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Wow.

I have a question for the audience.

Does any, just raise your hand.

Does anybody in this audience write comic books?

No.

Can somebody find somebody that writes?

There needs to be a comic book about this man.

Yeah.

Would you not read the comic book of Mushroom Matt?

I would find Pythons.

Yeah, no, I'd skip it.

I got to tell you, it's a bad idea.

I thought it sounded good at first.

Now, Cynthia needs to be a comic book hero.

What's your love life like, Mushroom at in real life?

It's not great.

It's not great.

I've been single for a long time.

I guess I'm kind of just looking for the right girl.

You must fuck crazy, huh?

That energy.

Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

Yes, I have kissed a girl.

Yes, I went on a date.

Mushroomat, fun times.

Here's a little joke book, my friend.

Boom.

Mushroom.

Here's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

And look, there's a local public defender here, everyone.

Amazing.

It's one of the better public defenders in the city.

All right.

You guys having fun here tonight, huh?

Make some noise for your next bucket full.

Nick James, everyone.

Nick James.

Here he comes.

One more time for Nick James, everyone.

All right, thank you, thank you.

Um, I don't know how to say this.

I'm not sexy,

like, at all.

It's and I can't even dirty talk right either.

Like, I just sound way too polite and dorky.

Like, I had this girlfriend, and she would always say things like, Nick, I want you to eat my pussy from the back.

And me being me, I would just be like, Well,

okay,

You betcha.

Oh, here we go.

And the same night she was like, you know what?

Take the condom off.

I don't care anymore.

Just fuck me raw.

And I'm just like, well, splendid.

Oh, I will happily oblige.

Thank you.

All right.

And after that, she's like, alright, Nick, I want you to do something crazy.

I want you to choke me.

I want you to demean me.

I want you to say mean wild shit.

And I do all that, but even then I'm still like,

well, I hope this isn't too tight around your neck, you bitch.

Are you okay, you fucking whore?

I love you.

All right.

There you go.

Nick James, the return of Nick James.

So we know Nick.

He's been on this show a few times.

Hey, how's it going?

Welcome back.

You still working at the parking lot?

No, I got fired from that, actually.

Ooh, why'd you get fired?

They found out I didn't have a car for most of my employment.

And why was that a problem?

Because they require you to have a car.

Yep, that'll do it.

Why, though?

Why do you have to have a car to park cars?

Well, no, I was writing...

Don't boo me again, but I was writing parking tickets.

Damn it, statbot guy.

Super villain.

Not very polite of you, Matt.

Not very polite.

Did you used to boot people, too, sometimes?

No, no.

It was just writing bargain tickets.

And now I can talk about this freely since I'm not working there anymore.

Half the time I would just like, all right, dude, you know what?

Just tell me you're proud of me and I'll let you off, you know?

Like, I'll just.

Wow.

That's a great joke.

Is that one of your jokes?

No, that was.

Do that as one of your jokes.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's a great joke.

All right.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's just my personality.

Well, thank you, Joe.

All right, cool.

You're welcome.

I think you're funny, man.

Yeah, how long have you done stand-up?

Oh, let's see.

Not counting that weird COVID year.

Like, this is actually my sixth year as of last week.

Yeah, your pacing was good.

I like that.

You came out calm.

Pacing was good.

That was good.

Yeah, dude.

I was so nervous.

I almost tripped up the stairs on my way up here.

So thank you.

That means a lot, actually.

What do you do now that you don't work at a parking lot?

I

do lift full-time, so I'm unemployed.

Wait, so now you have a car?

I do, yeah.

You got fired for not having a car?

Like, I got fired, and then two weeks later, I bought a car.

I'm like, can I have my job back?

And they're like, fuck you, no.

Like,

wow.

Yeah, they're real dicks.

Who would guess?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What was that?

Who would have guessed that the people in charge of writing tickets were dicks?

Yeah.

What kind of car did you get?

I got a 23 Chevy Malibu.

A Chevy Malibu?

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh my gosh.

Good shit, man.

So what's it like swimming in bitches?

Well, I'm gonna be honest.

I had a bit of a dry spell for the last three months, but

I got some pussy the other night.

Wow.

Take us through it.

Exactly what happened there.

Well, I uh well I matched with this girl on hinge Hinge and then I met her up at a bar

and then I you know I ate her pussy in her car and then wow so where where exactly did you guys go where did you go like take us through the actual date you kind of skipped a little bit there all right so

it's like an old DVD when you would skip scenes and just jump jump jump all right I'll do a little play-by-play.

So I met up at my usual spot Frazier's

Wow.

All right.

Yeah.

It's a great fucking bar, right?

And they got these booths there, and they're really comfy, you know?

And that's, you know, like, you get the girl in the booth, like, and, you know, you can kind of like have an excuse to sit close to her.

And it sounds really creepy, actually.

But, like, yes.

In my case, it works, you know?

And, you know, like, I've banned probably like five girls after taking them to Frazier's over the last like year and a half.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

I'm kind of a horror, dude.

Like, wow.

Like, look Look at you.

Absolutely incredible.

You really are.

I was making a joke about your Chevy Malibu, but it turns out joke's on me.

You're swimming in pussy.

I mean, it is.

The destroyer of Frasier's.

So, five girls.

So let's talk about this the other day thing.

You took her to Frasier's, and then how did you end up eating her pussy inside of her car?

What kind of car did she have?

Something smaller than a Malibu?

I wasn't paying attention, honestly.

I think it was a Toyota or something, but not a Prius.

I know that.

Okay.

So, how did it get to that?

Well, I, you know, we were already kind of, we were flirting pretty heavily over text, you know.

So, that made that gave me some confidence to start off with.

Yeah.

Flirting pretty heavily.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you give us an example of what some heavy flirtation from you via text looks like?

Fucking cycles.

Let's see.

Let's see, it's a little difficult on my phone, but let's see here.

Uh,

let's unlock his phone real quick.

Let's get a yonder unlocker here and uh

give me an unlocker.

I want the real shit.

I don't want you to have to use your imagination.

I think it's better.

In fact, is it okay if I read it?

Yeah, go for it.

Great, perfect.

Is it in your pocket?

No, it's uh, they made me take it out.

It's in the bin over there.

Oh, okay.

Somebody grab that fucking bin

and a yonder unlocker, or we can get the tech guy to probably do some special code on it or something.

Now, I know what the massage we made is in San Francisco, where unfortunately from I lied.

All right, here we go.

How about a hand for the lovely Christy, everybody?

Her and Yoni always keeping the train on its.

This isn't my phone.

Wow.

That's right.

We gave you her phone.

We can read the message.

Here,

my phone, I know what happened.

I put my phone in the pocket of my backpack.

Yeah, just bring the whole backpack up here.

Yeah, it's the green one.

Oh, this is where we all get killed, everyone.

All right.

I just need my entire backpack.

Guy that got fired from his writing tickets job that gets all the pussy in his Chevy Malgaja.

Oh, shit, thank you.

Hey.

Oh yeah, let's go.

All right.

You might have to scroll up a little bit.

Oh, I'll scroll, buddy.

I'll scroll.

I'll scroll.

All right.

Monday or Sunday.

Hold on a second.

Wait, when is this?

Where are we at?

Oh, she sent...

You sent pictures of your dog?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Of his dog, did you say?

Absolutely.

There's a lot of texts here.

Oh, okay.

So many pictures.

Wow, you're right.

So you're saying that the flirting started heavily on Sunday or Monday?

About, yeah.

Like, I just know I dirt off a lot on Sunday, so I have a good feeling.

Oh, my goodness.

I saw a text where she goes, damn you and your sex appeal.

Get out of here.

I was saving that, you fucking...

Get out of here.

You're the creepy one for reading me, reading some other dude's flirty text over my shoulder.

Hey, he doesn't know any better.

He's European.

I keep...

By the way, you're all in big trouble because I keep scrolling up because I'm seeing so much good shit.

I'm like, wow, what else?

This is...

Oh my god.

So when did you guys go out?

Monday night?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry I missed the last kill, Tony, but you know.

Yeah.

I had things to do.

We totally noticed you weren't there where everyone was like, where's Nick James again?

Where do you like to go for a drink?

You.

She asks you, where do you like to go for a drink?

Usually Frasier's on E6, but I'm always able to suggest.

I've never been to either, so I'm down for the adventure.

LOL, I like its energy.

It gets busy, but you can still hear each other talk.

Follow-up from him.

And it's not on dirty six, so none of that nonsense.

Oh, yeah.

It's not on dirty, so it must be clean.

Okay, perfect.

I like to chat.

And Eastside is infinitely better than dirty.

Wow, she's got her own own amazing thoughts.

Right?

Bars are so much cleaner, too.

You dirty boy.

Wow, there's some real whores in here tonight.

May I be one of those girls and get your birth chart information?

I must investigate, Smiley Face.

LOL, sure.

January 8th, 94.

Born on a Saturday morning in a blizzard.

I swear to God, I'm not changing a fucking word, by the way.

How exciting?

Do you know what time?

I forget.

I think like 10.

In the morning?

Yup.

I've never seen

someone with so much cap energy.

Oh, there's a lyric using caps a lot.

Do you have a lot of friends?

I have many acquaintances, LOL, but a decent amount of friends.

What?

Haha, I can see that.

Do you feel super psychic?

No, LOL.

I delude myself into thinking I am a lot, though.

Does that count?

It's all in the mindset anyway.

You are what you eat and believe.

What's your dating history been like?

LOL, true.

And let's see.

Played the field a lot.

Had a couple serious relationships over the years.

Some short flings and whatnot don't worry though my ho phase is over

genius

bravo young skywalker

Pretty much the same.

Got my ho phase over with early.

Props on her.

Props on her while they're both being disgusting.

Had a serious relationship in my mid-20s, then recovered from that.

Nice.

Two recovered hoes looking for stability now.

You are a sly doggy.

You're a sly little doggy.

They ain't call me Big Dick Nick for nothing.

Wow.

Okay.

Don't make it creepy.

I did.

No, this is you.

Sorry.

I did have one girlfriend cheat on me, so that sucked, but no great tragedies.

Smart.

Oh, yeah.

Looking back, I should have been a bigger hoe.

I was out there looking for love.

I swear to God, I'm not changing a word.

Oof, I hope she got the opposite of everything she ever wanted is karma.

Yeah, it was a weird situation.

Yeah, we can always be big hoes together, haha.

Oh my god, you fucking pig.

Hold on.

And just to let you know on this next one, this is her.

And when I say check mark, I mean the actual check mark emoji.

Get ready for it.

Here we go.

Remember, we're coming off of, hey, we can always be big hoes together.

Ha, ha ha.

Ha ha.

True, written out.

Ha ha.

Here we go.

Okay, let me check my hoe bag of essentials.

Don't care attitude, check.

Let's just see where this goes.

Check.

Bikini thirst traps?

Check.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Hell yeah.

Checking my

man.

Checking my bag of man-hoe essentials.

Aloof, hiding my horniness attitude, check.

Jeans that show off my bulge?

You know, I was on Kiltoni a few times.

I swear to God.

I swear.

Whoops.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oops.

Fuck.

Okay.

There's one more, by the way.

I know it's such a great tax, but there's one more that's part of that tax.

That is one.

Just to let you know, for those of you in the front if you're wondering about the check marks can you confirm that there are check marks

there are check marks there there's one more room that was just cleaned an hour before

this fucking dirt ball

we may just be a match made in hell it's so cute when men try to hide their horniness they'll be talking about anything and everything and I'll never be mad about tight jeans.

I have something to fantasize about.

LOL, I just lumped all the cliches in there.

I'm definitely guilty of talking too much when I'm hoarding.

You might have to put a muzzle on me,

but I'll make sure to wear some extra tight jeans just for you.

Oh, you're holding up your bulge right.

Oh, wow, look at that.

I like being electric too.

So the chattiness will really work for me.

What do you like to see a girl wearing?

I'm a man of simple taste.

A short skirt and a tank top with lots of cleavage is always nice.

Simple taste, like what

literally like every guy's like,

favorite situation.

Oh, simple taste, you know, the sluttiest shit on planet Earth.

Luckily, that's what I wear every day.

JK, I wear a lot of shorts.

I was about to say my prayers have been answered.

Ha ha.

So does that mean you still wear the tank top with cleavage?

Oh yeah, I get hot easily, so I like to be as uncovered as possible.

So my prayers were answered, lol.

Lucky you.

What's your type of girl?

Whatever type you are.

I swear to God.

But less corny answer.

She's gotta be nice, fun to talk to, with just enough hoe to match my freak, but not so much that I gotta worry.

What's your type of guy?

Someone funny, sweet, smart, honest, and protective.

Someone I can turn my brain off when I'm around them because I be thinking all day and my brain hurts.

Wow.

I got a winner, right?

She says, what's your freak?

My freak, honestly, much as I value deep connection and love and all that, I'm also just a very horny guy, huh?

So like PG, PG-13, PDA, but in the bedroom, I'm probably going down on you for like a half hour, stuff like that.

This is crazy.

This is amazing.

That sounds amazing.

Oh, wow.

I have a bit of an

exhibitionist urge, and I like to be very submissive, but secretly the one in control.

Well, I better be on my best behavior for our date then.

Something tells me I'm in for quite the show.

I'm crying.

I googled exhibitionist to make sure that was the right term and it

and it called it a mental illness.

Okay.

I meant I just like the adrenaline rush from being super sexy and sexually teasing in public.

I got both definitions back to back and I just crossed my fingers that it was the sexy one.

But damn, didn't know you were freaky like that.

When I clicked on your profile, I thought, oh, she seems so sweet and innocent.

Turns out, you're also sweet and devious.

I'm a Gemini.

I have two personalities.

Public persona equals sweet.

Professional works with students in private.

Unhinged.

I have to have an outlet.

I'm a walking sexy teacher trope.

In that case, want to give me a private lesson on sexual education?

I think I'll also need some extra tutoring from you, too.

Come to my office hours and show me how you've been trying to learn the material.

Sounds like a plan.

I hope it's an oral exam.

It sounds like something you already excel there.

Bring me something you want to improve on.

True, but practice makes perfect.

Although I could use a refresher course on leaving hickeys.

Oh, you dirty dirt ball.

Slow makeouts are my favorite.

Really?

Guess that makes two of us.

He's just agreeing with anything she's saying.

Oh, two of us for sure.

Totally agree.

Can I eat your pussy yet?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to scroll a bit because you guys are yappy fucks.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

I feel a little swindled.

You're killing it here.

I mean, you're killing it here.

You came up with this fucking Owen Wilson routine of like, ah, shucks, I don't know.

Maybe your pussy is good.

And now you're in these fucking messages like a fucking vampire.

You're like, I mean,

this is insane.

Dude, you're like, usher, dude.

What's the worst first date you've been on?

Probably going to see The Hobbit 2 and

having to explain every Lord of the Rings movie so she'd stop asking me, lol.

How about you?

Awkward incel comic takes the cake, but a close second was back in undergrad.

A guy invited me over to his apartment.

It was the filthiest setup I've ever seen in my life.

I sat with my other, with my other crossed on the very edge of the mattress that was on the floor while he talked about basketball.

I sat with my legs crossed.

I see why you ate her pussy in her own car, by the way.

She doesn't like a is your apartment messy?

I mean, it was clean at the time when I brought her over.

Wow.

Okay.

This has gone on way too long, but I got to tell you, this is unbelievable.

Unbelievable flirting.

There's a saying in Estonian that the guy who ends up fucking the girl always comes from the corner.

That's you, dude.

With that game.

I love it.

I don't know about that, but I can't.

Didn't you all think the saying would be way cooler than that?

No, it's trying to do it.

Do you feel this would be really profound?

They say in Estonia, the guy that fucks the girl is the one that talks to her.

Okay.

That's fucking really brilliant.

All right, thank you.

It's super insightful.

Wow, what a country you come from.

Oh shit.

Alright, yeah, I'm done.

Well, what?

What am I doing?

You want to call her?

Let's ask her how the pussy eating was to close this segment of the show.

All right.

She did go to bed an hour ago, but let's see if I can wake her up.

Oh, my God.

All right, fun times, Nick James.

You're a legend.

How about one more time for Nick James?

Not yet.

You only have a little one?

There you go, buddy.

Congratulations.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Right in that pussy-eating mouth of his.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

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All right, everybody, your next comedian goes by the name of Ryan Igler.

Ryan Igler.

Okay, nice quick transition here.

Make some noise for Ryan Igler, everybody.

So I live out in the country.

I just found out what code switching is.

It's so fun.

Like, it's a new way to get out of speeding tickets, coach switching to a little pretty girl.

But

I'm aware of it now.

So my little sister plays on a special needs baseball team.

It's called the Challenger League.

It's a great name.

But

I coach on it sometimes.

And it's most I'm just there because like some of the moms can't handle some of them.

So I get to get sacrificed off the survivor tribe to wrangle.

But one day the pitcher on the team didn't want to throw the ball.

Now, his name's Donnie.

He's the smallest guy in his family.

He's 6'2 ⁇ .

He has downs.

He's also deaf.

And they sent me out there to go get him to throw the ball.

So I'm explaining to him on the mound.

I'm like, Donnie, you can't roll the ball.

You have to throw the ball.

But I realized I was doing it in deaf.

Donnie, you can't roll no mall.

You have to throw the mall.

Hey, stop my rhinoceros, guys.

All right, I'm going to read some more Nick James text messages.

Get the show back on track.

I did like that you did an Ari Matty impression right at the end there.

He's good.

How long have you been trying stand-up, Ryan?

I'm four months in.

Four months in.

All of it here in Austin?

No, I'm out of Houston.

Okay, how old are you?

I'm 33.

What made you start now at 33 years old?

I've always wanted to do it.

I just never had time.

I was always on the road.

What were you doing on the road?

I was a guitar player.

Guitar player for a band?

Yeah, for several, just hired gun type stuff, session work, all that.

So I'll always be gone.

Okay.

And.

Which bands?

Anybody we would know?

Yeah, I started playing for a guy named Jason Allen, Toured Texas, playing hockey talks with him.

Hell.

One chick.

You guys know Jason Allen?

No, the band does not.

It's fine.

It's Texas country stuff.

It's okay.

But

played for a chick named Peyton Howie.

That was fun.

Got introduced to the festival world through that one.

And then the most recent one was Trent Cowie.

I was playing with him.

Sure.

What made you want to stop playing guitar and start a brand new art form?

Oh, they cut me.

You're not that good?

No, it's just...

I was told a different direction.

I'm a little rowdy on stage.

Like, how are you rowdy?

Like,

very animated, jump around.

It's a fucking show.

You bought a ticket, you get a show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Were you a good person on the road?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm clean.

I don't have like stinky feet and shit.

You don't have what?

Stinky feet and shit.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's good.

Good to know.

No stinky feet.

Go ahead.

No, go ahead.

No, I was going to say, did you party too much?

No, no.

I quit drinking like eight years ago.

Oh, all right.

Oh, my God.

Everybody's.

Everyone's fucking sober today.

Jesus Christ.

That's crazy.

Oh, no.

Mushrooms are heavy.

Again.

Like, 290 was fucking wild getting here.

This is the new thing.

Everybody gets sober from everything else.

They're like, I'm just fucking blitzed on mushrooms.

Like, the most extreme fucking shit.

Yeah.

Okay.

Have you found God?

No.

Okay.

He's looking for you.

Mom always makes it.

Do we have another guitar here?

Did we bring the second guitar?

Here we go.

We got to see this guy play guitar because I'm pretty sure that's your calling, Ryan.

You can't let these other people scare you out of being a musician.

You're sure as fuck not a comedian, at least not yet.

We'll see what happens with that down the road.

But my goodness.

Okay.

Here we are.

Name some of the bands you've been in again.

No names, it's just for other people.

And you kind of jump around very animated during this person's, these actual, the artists that people are there to see.

I could see why that would.

I could see.

Do you have something like an original kind of a riff that you like to play that won't get us flagged on YouTube?

Shit, he's calling the play right now, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a flat D.

Key of seven.

There's more Indian people showing up.

Here he is, living his dream, playing his own show, not for another person.

You're cut again.

Hit like a thing.

You're playing like a chord.

Do something crazy.

Uh-oh, he's feeling himself, folks.

The band is kicking in behind him.

Totally making him sound great.

Proving once again they are the best stamp band in the land.

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my

friend.

All right, that's enough.

Shut the fuck up.

Stop it.

All right, Ryan, that was fun.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?

Did you have fun here tonight, Ryan?

Yeah, man.

What's another crazy thing about your childhood or your life that would surprise us before I let you go?

I used to be a child model for a Jewish department store called Wiener's.

What was it called?

Wiener's.

Wiener's?

Yeah.

There was a Jewish department store called Wiener's.

Yeah, back in the 90s in Houston.

It was like a dealer's JCPenney, but it was called Wiener's.

And I was a child model for him all through the 90s.

Wow.

Yeah.

Mom used to pimp me out.

Did you ever get molested?

Nah, I fucking swerved that one.

Okay.

It was close?

One-ass hotel, baby.

You know.

I don't know.

There he goes.

Ryan Igler.

Fun times, Ryan.

Keep doing it for a while.

Sign up again.

There he is.

Ryan Igler, everybody.

All right.

It's one of those moments, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring to the stage what some people consider a legend of Kill Tony.

What some people consider one of their least favorite characters in the history of the show.

You either love him or you hate him.

This is the very polarizing style of Uncle Laser, everyone.

Oh, he's chugging a beer.

Always the showman, taking his time.

The squawking American Eagle.

One more time for Uncle Laser, everyone.

Check out on your friends this summer.

Kiss them on the mouth.

Tell them you love them.

Listen.

I'm friends with a lot of coloreds.

Blacks, we got any blacks in here tonight?

Oh, hell yeah.

They set y'all up front.

That's progressive.

Hell yeah.

Listen, I'm not a regular white.

My black friends, they call me anywhere.

They're all like, hey, Uncle Edgar, you're a real-ass motherfucking.

And as a white man, when a black man calls you that, it's special.

It's like when your dad pats you on the button and says, good game, son.

But boy, they don't like it when you say it back to them.

I'm playing spades the other day at my homie's house, and they're just, it's a black person game you wouldn't know anything about.

we're playing spades back and forth right i'm cutting these motherfuckers up and like yo you a real ass motherfucking and i'm like

i started walking with a limp

yeah and they done said it about 20 times i said man y'all said enough y'all think y'all think i can say it back and they go fuck you white boy you can't say that

i said well it sounds like music's getting a little too loud at this party okay

And they said, you can see yourself out.

And as I walked outside, I did the whitest thing in my life.

I called the law and I said, hey, these motherfucking are playing that music too loud.

My name's Uncle Lazar.

Y'all are great.

Uncle Lazer.

My favorite part of that set was when

the black person in the back of the room clapped and you said, Wow, they sat you in the front.

How progressive.

Even though they're in the back.

They did.

I'm equal opportunity.

The diversity hire.

Hey, I'm going to be honest with you.

You reading that erotica shit?

I didn't even have to take some.

I'm hard as a rock right now.

That shit he was doing earlier.

Son of a gun.

What a treat that was.

He was good.

It is exciting.

Flirtatious texts are exciting.

What's some of the crazy shit we would find in your phone if we went through it?

If you'll read it, if you'll read it.

Well, my girlfriend Gina, you know, Meghan Of course.

Doctor from Buffalo.

Yep.

What kind of doctor is she again?

Pediatrist.

Yep, perfect.

She's actually right there.

She's right up there.

I believe that means she works on children's feet.

Your girlfriend's.

A pediatric.

A pediatrist.

A pedriactic?

Yep, perfect.

That's like how Harley Quinn fell in love with the Joker.

But I was sleeping the other night at my brother's house.

We was out there, and she took my phone.

She was pissed off at me, and she showed my face on my phone while I slept.

And she saw,

whoa.

She saw a lot.

So, yeah, you know.

We don't.

Yeah, I'm a whore.

I'm a whore.

I'm gonna.

Can you give us a ballpark of what she saw?

I mean, she already saw it.

Everything, Tony.

Like, what?

What's everything?

Me fucking other girls like on camera and shit.

Tell us more.

Describe the situation, Laser.

Well, it ain't good, Tony.

No, she just, she saw some shit and she got all pissed off.

But look, we love each other.

So, sister, we're still together.

She's like, look, we'll go to counseling.

I'm like, I don't want to go to counseling.

So, are you going to go to counseling?

Going to counseling.

When are you going to counseling?

You know.

Is it scheduled yet?

Soon.

Yeah.

Hey, but you want to know?

Hey, real quick, this is for Ari Matica.

Look, you got a bunch of cripples and retards.

Are you changing the subject right now?

Oh, she's right there, Tony.

God damn it.

This is good, goddamn entertainment.

All right.

This is something that can only happen on Kill Tony.

The fact that she's right there makes it, this is a once in a long time.

Bring her ass down here, Titties and all.

Well, I mean, I wasn't going to do that.

Then I'd be putting you on the spot.

That's right.

She's a doctor.

She'll get fired.

Right.

From the optometrist.

Yes.

Laser did one of the craziest things I've ever seen a human being do upstairs.

Yeah.

Me, Ari, and Laser went into the bathroom at the same time.

We all had to pee.

I went in the stall to pee.

Ari was at the urinal.

Laser just hung on the wall of the urinal and talked to Ari for the duration of him peeing and then just left the bathroom.

Didn't pee.

Just talked to Ari over his shoulder and forgot he had to pee and then just left.

It was insane.

That is the actions of an everlasting cocaine addict, if I've ever seen one.

Just making sure you guys are urinating.

Like he's some kind of probation officer or something like that.

I mean, you guys, you just gotta use in the bathroom for what it's actually for.

I'll get out of here.

What are you guys just urinating and washing your hands, you boring boys?

Nah, let's have some fun.

Come on.

Let me see that dick, boy.

You know, no, but

I told him, I said, hey, man, I got someone to say in this interview.

We know the same person.

And she found it in the phone too.

She hates her.

So, look, there's a girl that I know.

There's a girl that I know that knows Ari that loves Ari.

All right.

And I guess Ari curved her.

And this girl's used to getting her way.

What does that mean, curved?

I don't know that either.

So she sent him a nude picture and he just thumbs up it.

Now, listen here, Tony.

Let me tell you something about stardom.

You got it too.

Red Ben got it too.

Joe's got it too.

Ari's got it too.

Listen, we get pussy all the time.

All right.

But listen.

If a beautiful woman sends me a hot, sexy, naked picture, I'm not going to thumbs up.

Say, what kind of pussy are you getting on the road?

Oh, son, your next level.

That's that's that's just Stony Assassin.

I know who he is.

I've seen his dick in the bathroom.

That's a saying in Ari's country.

The man that thumbs up the pussy is the man of the thumbs up.

That pussy a two thumbs up.

You know what I'm talking about now?

No.

Good.

There's a few pictures.

I just thumbs up.

That's it.

I didn't say anything.

Look, she just was crying the whole night.

Solar.

Your girlfriend?

Not mine.

The other girl.

Just a girl that I knew.

Okay.

Anyway, Laser, is your girlfriend still mad at you?

Yeah.

But she's here.

What do you do in a situation like that to make up for it?

You're a very romantic guy.

What do you do in a situation?

A girl finds her phone.

She unlocks it with your face.

How do you start the healing process?

Teach these American boys out there what the squawking eagle, Uncle Laser, does to get out of the doghouse you worked in oil fields you know what you're doing explain to the children

so I started taking testosterone

that is a terrible idea

but look that shit makes you really horny right like a stiff but stiff breeze I'm gonna put my dick in an electrical socket that'll solve the problem keep going

I'm only good at a couple things, Tony.

Taking drugs and coming quick.

One of them.

Two of them.

Look, I'm going.

Look, I'm just like,

I'm going to therapy now.

Here's the question.

Let me remind you.

A guy like you gets in the doghouse, right?

You're on testosterone.

Girlfriend's mad at you.

What do you do?

Tony, I grab her by the fucking throat.

I pick her up and I put her through the fucking drywall.

And I said, listen here, I'm going to be a star, baby.

Either get on this gravy train right now, or we can leave you on the corner with the man with the thumbs up.

Okay.

Again,

you watched too much pro wrestling growing up.

That's domestic violence.

I'm asking you a genuinely real question.

Genuinely?

Yes.

All right, came here and look, baby.

I'm not some regular nine-to-five.

I'm living a different type of life.

But look at me, Tony.

I said, look, here's flowers.

Answer the fucking question.

I said, look, girl, I love you.

There's no one else I want to be with.

I'm on some fuck shit.

I'm a retard.

I said, but at the end of the day, at the the end of the fucking day, it ain't who you want to spend Saturday night with.

It's who you want to get Sunday brunch with.

See, that's what I was looking for.

You could have said that two and a half minutes ago, and it would have been great podcasts.

Get at me for talking too much.

I love it, dude.

Great.

I'll see you again in another four months then.

Thank you, dude.

Okay, laser.

Fun times.

Good stuff.

Great stuff.

Charismatic, likable.

Uncle Laser.

Ari Maddie has has to go pee

and to go text girls whose pictures he thumbs up

cleaning up mess he's on damage control right now i had to pee too and he took it from me you want to go pee oh wait so you guys go pee together and uncle laser can watch again okay go ahead it's all right

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix September 10th.

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Your next comedian goes by the name of JP Hinsdale, everybody.

JP Hinsdale.

Oh, we know JP.

Yeah, we put JP up in an arena once before.

Make some noise one more time for JP Hinsdale.

Hey.

Wow.

Okay.

I was in Galveston recently.

Yeah,

I went to the Gulf of America.

I tried, okay?

Like, I took 12 grams of mushrooms

and I stared out at the ocean.

It was still brown.

Dolvin came by and blew 10W30 out of her blowhole.

Okay.

Guess not.

Oh no.

I watch the news a lot.

I'm trying to look for the positive in everything.

You know,

it's cool.

Like, I found out that ICE is trying to be more progressive in their hiring practices.

Have you guys heard about this?

Yeah, there's a ICE has this new program, 30

for 30 for 30.

They want 30% women officers

by 2030.

Oh, yeah.

Way to go, ladies.

You broke the glass ceiling.

Okay.

All right, JP.

Sorry, that didn't go well.

It didn't.

You're right.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

What?

I misgauged the time.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

It had nothing to do with the time, really.

Fair enough.

It was okay.

It was an awkward start, awkward ending.

You had a...

You had a thing.

There's been a...

It's also a very mushroom-heavy set.

Yeah.

I mean, a knight.

Yeah.

And so, you know, that wasn't in your favor.

No.

So, JP, how's life, buddy?

Look at me.

Killing it.

Yeah.

Literally.

Very rarely do one of the horn players turn on a bucket pull, but.

Okay, all right.

JP,

you're a very likable character.

You've done good every other time you've ever been on this show.

What do you think truly went wrong tonight?

Uh

couple newer jokes.

Um, kind of having a little bit of a panic attack.

I'm wet.

Yep.

It was raining earlier.

There was like a better joke inside your Gulf of America joke.

Yeah.

It's a longer joke.

It shouldn't be.

It shouldn't be.

It should be shorter.

Shorter?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I think it's something like, I don't know.

There's something like, they changed it from Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America.

But I think it should be called the Gulf of Mexico because it is brown.

Oh, okay.

See?

If you said it with your charming style.

I kind of wanted to look at it.

Try it.

Do it just like that.

Give them the right lighting, Kino.

Do it.

I want to see if it works.

Even though they already know it, which makes it impossible.

I think you could sell it.

So

went down to the Gulf of America.

Now that we took it back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Used to be the Gulf of Mexico.

I think we should call it the Gulf of Mexico again.

It's really brown.

You were right.

Yeah.

You are the king.

And if they didn't know what the punchline was coming, that shit would rip.

Yeah.

Like a fart from you.

Thank you.

In the middle of the night.

You fart a lot.

I bet you fart.

You're like a hot air balloon.

Not like an abnormal amount.

Normal amount?

Yeah, I mean, I'm not extra flatuent.

Really?

Yeah.

But I, you know.

It's weird how that works.

Yeah, I know.

You would expect, like, that's a bigger chamber.

Yeah.

But I'm pretty buoyant, so it's like it all works out of the water.

Do you float?

Yeah, I float.

You ever float in the river here?

Oh, yeah.

You like it?

Oh, yeah.

You float.

Oh, yeah.

Like an ice cube.

Yeah, like you guys have me on the land, but I have you in the sea.

Okay.

Yeah.

We're cooking.

Yeah.

All right.

If you could compare yourself to any sea animal, what sea animal do you think you're most like, J.P.

Hinsdale?

Manatee.

Now, why did you pick manatee there?

Because I'm friendly and I keep getting damaged by motorboats.

Still got it.

Got it.

Still got it, JP.

It's in there.

It's right there on the surface.

What you've been doing for fun, JP?

For fun?

Yep.

Other than mass amounts of mushrooms, we're just fucking everybody tonight.

It's like we're doing a Kill Tony live from a rehab facility.

I only do it every two weeks.

Like it's a I can't take antidepressants and mood stabilizers and all the other things.

You take all that stuff?

I can't.

You can't?

No.

Okay, correct.

And I take two to six grams of mushrooms every two weeks, and it kind of

makes the gloomies go away.

Perfect.

Yeah.

And you eat a lot.

Not really.

I'm just, I've been fat for a while.

This was, this is not like,

this is an accumulation of a lifetime of sadness.

This isn't a merit.

This isn't a sprint to the finish.

Like at a buffet.

Why are you sad?

That was like,

do we want to do this?

No, I do not want to do this.

No, no, no.

No, you don't need this kind of darkness, Joe.

No, I've got enough in me already.

Yeah, yeah.

I can see it in your eyes.

Thank you.

Yeah.

The mushrooms make the gloomies go away every two weeks.

Yeah, it's kind of the only system that I've figured out that works.

But why do you not, why are you against the antidepressants and stuff?

It's not that I'm against them.

I have a you're like, I just can't get them on a pizza.

No, I have a

yeah.

Yeah.

Papa John's let me down.

No,

I have traumatic brain injuries.

It affects how the medication hits me.

You have what injuries?

Traumatic brain injuries.

From what?

I've died twice.

And I got hit in the head a lot as a kid.

So when did you, how did you die twice?

first time my mom did it

okay

keep going

how did she do that well like she i didn't know because it happened when i was three but she kept telling people that i jumped off the couch playing superman and hit my head against the marble table And then I died when the ambulance got there.

But it turns out I had night terrors and she didn't know what they were.

And she wanted me to shut the fuck up.

So

what it did she she hit your head on against the table?

Do you know?

She grabbed you and hit your head against the table?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am the boy who lived.

That's what's known as a late-term abortion.

Yeah.

She chickened out of the end.

She called 911.

I give her a lot of shit for it now.

Wait, you still talk to her?

Yeah, that ain't even the worst thing she's ever done.

What was the worst thing she's ever done?

I don't know.

Yeah.

What was it?

It's not.

It's.

I'm still working that through therapy right now.

Okay.

It's complicated.

Let's avoid that.

Let's talk about the.

I have a joke about it, but I don't.

I'm okay with part of it, but it's like, you know, not every room likes this joke.

Now we want to hear it.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

You asked for it, people.

No, no,

she says no I don't want no one gives a shit what that bitch wants keep going JP

so um

I was groomed and molested from the age of five to the age of 15

which is a weird way of saying I peaked in high school

now I have to get molested on my personality

and I have way too many strong opinions about Star Trek for that to happen.

That's my joke.

Is this a stepdad or what was it?

No, it was my mom's high school boyfriend.

Wow.

Yeah.

She thought by him bonding with me she'd get him back.

It didn't work out.

Oh my gosh.

I was more his type.

Wow.

Honestly, the relationship lasted longer too.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm a better person.

5 to 15 is a long time.

I know.

Wow.

Yeah.

And it was like, all right.

How'd you die the second time?

Oh, um,

I had I snorted what I thought was cocaine.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah.

What was it?

Fentanyl.

Wow.

When was this?

Three years ago?

Three years ago?

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Wow.

And they brought you back using dark hand.

Yeah.

If it was a real come to Jesus moment, and he did not like me ODing on his couch.

Wow.

Do you remember anything from that?

Do you remember what it's like any of those times being dead?

Do you remember seeing anything?

A bright light?

Were you in heaven?

Was there snacks everywhere?

I remember a.

Were you in hell, a hot yoga studio?

It was jazzer size.

It's amazing.

You're so fucking funny on your feet tonight, JP.

Yeah.

And that's set.

It's just a testament to, you know, you got to be careful.

This goes for...

all comedians, right?

Doing open mics.

You can attest to this.

You do so many shows and you're kind of like off of open mics now because you're getting booked everywhere but there's something so dangerous about doing open mics because a the comedians kind of don't want you to succeed and b the audience because they're at an open mic are fucking retards they're retarded they're at the what the sixth seventh eighth ninth tenth best show in the city on any given night so it gets tricky you have to go with what you think is funny and all the answers you gave tonight about real actual questions and things in your life even though you thought some of them won't work and that you shouldn't do it, all crushed.

Everything that you think is correct and working works when you leave it to open mic audiences to decide.

Open mics are good for working out mic technique and volume and pacing and changing and placement of things, but it's not always to completely the end-all-be-all decision maker of what's funny and what's not.

And you were hilarious tonight on your feet during the interview.

And

light on your feet, which is not easy to do when you're 620 pounds Joe DeRosa and and I mean this dude I mean this dude you're a funny fucking dude man you bring a lot of joy to a lot of people you have light in your fucking heart you got light in your soul I know you're battling some past demons I know it's rough but I'm gonna tell you what Jim Jeffries said to me when I was at your spot in the game and I was struggling with mental shit.

He was like, brother, reach out to me any fucking time and I'll talk to you about that shit.

I'm saying that to you right now.

You fucking reach out to me any fucking time you need, dude.

He goes, I'm telling you, dude, you can't fight the fight on your own.

Lean on somebody, man.

I mean it, dude.

I mean it.

Don't let that dark shit suppress your light, man.

You got a gift.

And one more exciting thing, JP.

Normally we give away spots.

We've given away jobs on this show before.

This is the first time ever that this has happened.

JP,

your mom

and and you mending that relationship.

It's unbelievable to me to find out that you had a mom who at least back then was so out of it and didn't get you.

That tonight, for the first time ever, right now, I'm giving you a new mom.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joy Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Kill Tony Legend.

Give him a hug.

JP Hinsdale.

Stupid bottle of water.

Go give him a hug.

Go give him a hug.

JP Hinsdale.

The bottle of water.

She needs to stay hydrated while making an appearance on stage.

You are now, I hereby bestow you, JP Hinchcliffe.

Welcome to the family, JP.

Thanks, brother.

My mom will literally talk to you anytime you need a mom to talk to.

She's 78 and bored out of her mind, and I'm way too successful and fun to talk to her.

Now you can talk to her.

She's free literally every hour of the day.

There she goes.

Joy hinch clip everybody 78 my mom visiting from youngstown ohio okay there you go get off the stage now here's a little joke book

there you go

can i just say that i'm blessed to have tony as my son

that's

let the record show that's gayer than anything i've ever done before My mom is gay too.

My mom's gay.

Now you know where I get it from.

I have a gay mom.

But seriously, I'll give you her info after this.

You guys are gonna be, she's hilarious.

You guys are gonna be friends.

That's your new mom.

New mom, JP Hinsdale.

Big joke book.

There you go.

Boom.

Right in the breadbasket.

The first ever comedian to win a new mom.

There she goes.

Get back to your seat, you little fucking show stealer.

Really milking it.

Really, really likes the spotlight.

She's used to it.

Only mom on the show's history to do a set, an appearance on panel, and now be bestowed upon a new comedian.

Ari Maddie's about to do a joke about how he wants to fuck my mom.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Strike me down.

Kill your master.

I mean, how long is she in town?

She's the Gemini.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Zach Black.

This looks like a new name, Zach Black.

Here he is.

One more time for Zach Black, everybody.

Hell yeah.

I went to Home Depot today to pick up a lawnmower.

Man, it's going to be a shame when Trump sends them back.

Over the next four years, the price of eggs might go down, but the price of lawn care is going way up.

I'll tell you, if you're ever shopping for an immigrant, get there early.

I got there late last week.

The good ones go quick.

There was only one left in stock.

One Guatemalan standing there with a paintbrush and a rake.

I'll come back.

Texas is great for everybody, although it is still a little segregated by city.

Dallas is for white people, Houston's for black people, San Antonio's for Mexicans, and Austin's for fags.

And if you're half black and half white, Corpus Christi.

If you're half white and half Mexican, El Paso.

But if you're half black and half a fag, I'm sorry, you have to leave Texas and go back to Atlanta.

Zach Black.

Good stuff, Zach.

What up, Tony?

How are you, buddy?

How long have you been on Stand-Up Agun?

Seven years.

Right, seven years.

A lot of that in L.A., right?

No.

From Buffalo, New York.

Buffalo.

I've told you that before, but I'm actually from a very small town outside of Buffalo, edge of a cornfield type shit.

I just say Buffalo here.

Okay.

When did I meet you?

Here?

Yep.

At Vulcan?

Yeah, I worked here for like a year and a half.

That's right.

Yeah.

But then I don't just wasn't paying the bills, so I got a real job again.

What's your real job?

Well, I quit here to work construction, but then I got fired for an Instagram reel.

So I made a fake bartending resume two months ago, and now I bartend.

Love it.

What was the reel that got you in trouble?

It was just a selfie video.

I was just talking about I work with you know Mexicans and I learned a lot of Spanish.

And

I said that punta madre means project manager.

There it is.

And

they fired me.

They fired me.

And then they asked me to take down the reel.

I was like, well, you did that in the wrong order.

Yeah.

That's very true.

They did.

Was it worth it?

Yeah, where was it that you got fired from?

No, that was a construction job.

Oh, construction job.

Apartment complex up in North Austin.

Okay.

Was it worth worth making the reel?

Kind of.

I was really happy because it was like my first successful reel and like two weeks of the great and then fired.

So, yeah.

It was kind of worth it, I guess.

They just stumbled across it, or did you show a coworker or something?

They saw it organically.

Dude saw it on his algorithm, the owner of the company.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, all your co-workers have been liking this reel of yours.

Sharing it around town.

We looked them up.

And yeah, I never met him before.

What's it like?

Explain to the people what it's like lying on your resume that you're a bartender and then all of a sudden being thrown to the wolves at an actual bartending shift at an actual bar.

Is the bar busy?

I'm sure.

It's not that busy.

Oh, okay.

It was like the only one that would hire me.

I went to a bunch of job interviews and they were like, what's in a martini?

And I was like, I have no fucking clue.

You said that?

I tried to lie.

I was like,

gin?

That type of thing and they were like, it's not going to work.

But then this bar, they didn't ask that many questions and

that's how every bartender gets a job by the way

yes you lie yeah you have that's how i've got every job in my life i lie

yeah uh it's going all right at the beginning it's been like two months at the beginning they would like order i don't know a manhattan and i'll be like yeah no problem and i would google it real quick and but now i'm good yeah why not yeah okay what do you do for fun zach black what would surprise us about your life the last guy is a morbidly obese adorable baby baby boy that got molested from 5 to 15.

Try to compete with that.

I will try to compete with that.

I never talk about this, and most of my friends have no idea.

But I actually don't have a right shoulder because of a football injury.

No right deltoid since I was 15 years old.

What?

Dan, nobody notices.

You can't really tell, but I think about it.

about every 30 seconds, every day of my life.

Does it hurt?

It's kind of numb.

It doesn't really hurt.

I can kind of see it now that you...

Is it shoulder pat?

No, no, just a baggy shoulder.

Yeah, that is a bitch-ass shoulder.

Yeah.

I mean, I can say as a man with no shoulders, you got off easy.

Shoulder rose all neck.

All right.

Take it easy, Jack.

I was trying to fight with it.

You fucking cunt.

Yeah, I never really thought of a way to make it funny.

I think about writing a joke about it all the time, and I never I've been on this show a few times I never brought it up, but I figured fuck it.

It's what you want to hear about don't you no shoulder up shit not that good.

I also that's why I didn't want to bring it up It's not that crazy

Yukuchandees wants to see it.

Is it does it look different?

It's just zero muscle kind of pull your shirt for a second that way

you can tilt it.

It's not that bad.

The last guy had his mom slammed his head against a coffee table when he was killing him.

This is

a killer.

This guy's like a football injury.

My shoulder kind of looks different.

You can tell.

If I had my shirt off, you could tell.

Yeah,

can we see it?

Let's see it.

Oh, DeRosa's just drunk enough to want to see it.

Look at this fucking guy.

Hey, what's up, you pig boy?

Hey, why do they keep calling DeRosa a pig?

Fast forward two hours.

Take your shirt off, dude

wow an american patriot we're finding out not only what his shoulders look like but also who he voted for in the last election incredible the right candidate anyway yeah when you escape from the prison in cape fear you can tell what the fuck big time it's like kind of embarrassing you can tell my god the liver prince is here everybody

keep that off

This guy eats hard-boiled eggs during the day.

Were you in the military?

No, people asked me that.

Just jacked.

Yeah.

I couldn't go in the military.

Not fit for service with the shoulder.

And I had heart surgery.

Got two metal clamps on my heart.

Let that been there.

What do you have?

That was when I was five years old.

Just something didn't connect.

Blood wasn't getting oxygen.

Baboon Heart.

That's why he's the sound effect guy, ladies and gentlemen.

Baboon Heart has entered the chat.

That's why he hits buttons for a living, everyone.

For he said,

Baboon Heart.

All right, Zach Black.

You already have a big chunk of it?

Oh, he's got to pop in a Zen real quick.

I love how he puts the back on, but not the shirt.

I love that.

Is that a Lucy breaker or a Zen?

It's actually a Velo because they're the cheapest.

Wow.

Zach, why are you so nervous?

You're shaking and shit, but you're a confident dude, man.

Shoulder, man.

Yeah.

i'm not busting your balls i'm really asking

i don't know just a little nervous i'm just shaking i'm just energy i'm not that nervous but you got

nervous dude been a while been a while since i've been on this show

yep

great

that's what a while

when are you due back on the set of american history actors

here's a big joke book buddy congratulations thank you there you go Zach Black.

All right, to end tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery can only write 20 seconds per week.

It's very hard for him.

So he cannot make it tonight.

Ari Maddie is on panel.

David Lucas opened the show.

Which means there's only one real option to close a show like this.

A Kill Tony legend who we haven't seen in months.

If you know the lyrics to his introduction song, now is the time to sing it.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim.

Hey, glad you had no one else left.

Good to be here.

I just got back from Asia, if you couldn't tell.

Thank you.

Gonichiwa.

Yeah, I just got back from Asia.

It's great being in Asia.

I can unlock every iPhone on that continent.

I love being back in America.

Love America.

I love having that gun.

Now I can get into arguments at the mall.

Can't wait till we get rid of DI.

Soon Harvard is going to be all Asian.

It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore.

It's going to be called Chington.

I met a guy from Lebanon recently.

I didn't know that was a place.

I thought it was QAnon for lesbians.

All right.

Well, that's my time.

Thank you guys very much.

Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim.

That was Hans Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim

still got it crisp delivery star power you look like a fucking absolute dictator

incredible stage presentation I mean absolutely amazing for you to make that yourself and then dry clean it yourself and then wear it yourself absolutely amazing Yeah, I agree.

You and your people can do.

This is Joe DeRosi.

Can I correct just one of your jokes?

I love it.

It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore.

It's going to be called Rinkton.

Ranked in.

I disagree.

I say lean into the slur.

Ah.

Well, you speak from experience.

Yeah.

Right there on that spot on this stage.

I said that word, everybody.

Freak now.

Hans Kim, tell us what's been going on.

I went to Asia with my girlfriend and her three friends.

It was a fucking nightmare.

Oh my god.

Three girlfriends?

Three of her friends that I wasn't allowed to have sex with.

Right.

So it's your girlfriend and three of her girl female friends.

Yeah, and me.

Right, yeah, I got that part, Hans.

So you, her, and three.

So it's you plus four, and it's your girlfriend and her friends who clearly your girlfriend's entertaining and hanging out with while just making sure you're not cheating on on her.

Yeah.

Wow.

How did that go?

Tell us about it.

Give us some actual details.

Like sex in the city.

I

had a great time.

We went to Disneyland.

We went to Universal whatever there.

You did American shit over there.

Yeah.

Did you pay for everything?

I paid for like 30% of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hans is famously cheap.

A little fun fact is that the regulars on this show tend to be very, very, very cheap people.

Not Ari Maddie, not David Lucas, but William and Hans, notoriously miser-esque.

So you paid for 30% of the trip, but you fucked only 25% of the trip.

And we know that.

That must have been a bell.

Yeah.

I need like an over-the-pants hand job or something.

Yeah.

So those girls, they paid for their flights, for their hotels and stuff?

Yeah, I paid for some of the dinners.

It's not like they paid for any of the dinners.

So, like, I feel like I was a positive contribution, you know, did you bring that up to your girlfriend at all after you did it?

Were you like, hey, I paid for dinner for you and your friends?

I mean, then it kind of loses the appeal of the nice thing that I did.

I know, that's why I asked you, and I will repeat the question.

Let me remind you, it's a yes or no question.

Did you mention it to your girlfriend verbally?

Like, hey, I did pay for dinner for you and your friends.

Yes.

There you go.

Thank you.

Just making sure there.

Were you like, that $11.75 really set me back here in Asia.

It's cheap.

Oh, fuck off.

It's an affordable country, is my point.

Continent?

I don't know.

I'm not here for facts, people.

I'm just here to jump in with a zinger here and there.

I never said I was well-read.

Do it.

Do a zinger.

I got a good zinger.

Folks, it's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore.

It's going to be called RinkedIn.

Do you get it?

Folks, listen.

Food is cheap in Asia.

How cheap is it?

How cheap is it?

A dinner for four would only cost you $11.75.

So silly.

Hans, what else, buddy?

You look fantastic.

You look like your own mother and grandmother right now.

It is incredible.

Strong female energies while being a very masculine boy.

Steve Roberts.

Thank you.

Got this from a Chinese market called Timu.

Ah.

Yeah, just living life.

My birthday is coming up soon.

May 31st.

May 31st.

Okay.

How do you celebrate your birthday, Hans?

What are you looking forward to doing?

I'm having a little pool party and then I'm having a real party at 9 p.m.

Whoa.

9 p.m.

That's an exact start time if I've ever heard one.

Is it at your place?

Yeah.

No.

What are you, what's going to be at your party?

Karaoke.

There's a surprise.

It's $11.75 if you want to.

Sell us on it.

Sell us on this party.

Karaoke.

There's going to be Katan.

There's going to be a game of katan going on you can hop in hop i thought you meant chris katan

the old snl star

perhaps you remember what was it not goat man

yeah you ate like the

mango mango mango yeah all right i'm pretty sure we're all wasted we should end the show uh hans kim any closing words i love you guys uh please be safe and have a a great night.

Wow.

Hans Kim.

Catch him.

All over the world on the Killers of Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden the night before the Madison Square Garden kill Tony.

How about another hand for Ari Maddie, everybody?

Ari Maddie will be at Madison Square Garden the night before MSG.

Joe DeRosa's new special comes out on YouTube at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube, correct?

July 21st.

He's gonna be at Zany's in Nashville, July 27th and 28th, or is that June?

June 27th and 28th.

Ari Maddie is a superstar here on Kill Tony.

Joe DeRosa's on tour at Joe Dorosacomedy.com.

Is that the right website?

Joe DeRosa.com.

Also, check out Joey Rose's, one of the best sandwich shops anywhere is in New York City.

Thank you to Shopify, Nicked, and OpenPhone for this episode, Red Band.

Love you guys.

We love you guys.

Thank you so much.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

Yo, this is important man.

Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called pacebreakers.

The ones with all the pockets.

I just got back from vacation, and I left them in my hotel room.

And dude, I need to replace these shorts.

I wear them like three times a week.

Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Oh, also, my birthday's coming up soon.

So, anyways, thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

Looking for your newest go-to's?

Lululemon What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays.

Every Tuesday, head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear.