#723 - DAVID LUCAS + CRISTINA MARIANI

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Speaker 32 Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Speaker 32 All right.

Speaker 33 Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show.

Speaker 54 This week is no different.

Speaker 31 It's a very, very exciting, special episode in which one of the panelists is one of the most famous comedians in the history of the show,

Speaker 33 a Kiltony Hall of Famer.

Speaker 23 And the other one, it is her very first time on panel.

Speaker 31 She is in the front-running position of having the joke of the year.

Speaker 62 So this is a big deal watching someone be elevated from the bucket to the panel.

Speaker 53 Make some noise for tonight's panel, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 30 It is the roast god, David Lucas and Christina Mariani, everybody.

Speaker 66 Her first time on panel.

Speaker 24 one of the best joke writers and performers in Austin Texas and there he is

Speaker 64 my best friend and arch nemesis David Lucas

Speaker 70 for those of you that don't know

Speaker 29 we make fun of each other

Speaker 72 famously I think it's over like 2,000 hours I've called you gay so much people believe it.

Speaker 74 It's true.

Speaker 56 I've called you fat so much people believe it.

Speaker 61 Including your doctor.

Speaker 71 So it's very interesting. The only nigga that don't think I'm fat is Dee Madness because he can't see.

Speaker 33 I think he can hear it just right.

Speaker 52 Dee, does David sound fat to you?

Speaker 79 Strong head nod.

Speaker 34 The glasses lit up for that one.

Speaker 19 David Lucas has a podcast fishing with David.

Speaker 32 He's on tour, David LucasComedy.com and makes some noise.

Speaker 21 Her first time on panel, one of the most famously nervous comedians in the world here joining us for the entire episode Christina Mariani say hi to everybody Christina hi

Speaker 49 we juice up that mic a little bit what is that mic three say hi again hi yeah there she is look at that

Speaker 60 adorable

Speaker 33 Christina is here.

Speaker 23 She's on tour as well.

Speaker 33 Christinamariani.com.

Speaker 31 One of the biggest jokes ever in the show's history.

Speaker 65 Famously, she right black guy crossing the street.

Speaker 23 Yeah, and then you think she crosses the street because

Speaker 57 she thinks that the black guys

Speaker 33 wait, no, I fucked it up.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you know it.

Speaker 58 We'll put it in right here.

Speaker 61 It's right here.

Speaker 85 I learned that racism is passed down generationally.

Speaker 86 So it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home.
It was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me.

Speaker 86 And instinctively, I grab my purse,

Speaker 87 even though logically,

Speaker 86 I know he's not for sale.

Speaker 86 He did steal steal my wallet, though.

Speaker 20 And now we're back.

Speaker 31 All right, Christina, welcome to the show.

Speaker 53 You've seen it. You've been on it multiple times.

Speaker 20 Over 185 people tonight.

Speaker 32 A little bit less sign-ups here at Vulcan Gas Company than at the mothership.

Speaker 53 Only about 20 or 30 less.

Speaker 31 But

Speaker 20 it's going down.

Speaker 82 It's happening right now, live.

Speaker 61 They signed up.

Speaker 53 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 52 You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 31 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear Which interrupts them and then I conduct an interview with them and We figure out more about them absolutely anything can happen the entire thing's improvised and it should be a lot of fun you guys ready to start tonight's show

Speaker 22 This place doesn't have the rock and roll energy that it used to have are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show

Speaker 24 Yes, very good.

Speaker 22 Let's get some why don't you guys order some fucking shots of tequila or something?

Speaker 61 Loosen up a little bit.

Speaker 19 It's a fucking...

Speaker 18 I can tell there's a lot of Westlake people that fucking...

Speaker 27 A lot of rich kids made the drive to be here tonight, trying to fucking go to a fancy dinner after this or something.

Speaker 92 I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 17 But let's have some fun. We're going to start the show with a bang.

Speaker 65 One of our longest

Speaker 3 ever tenure golden ticket winners.

Speaker 27 Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute.

Speaker 3 This is Enrique Chacone, everybody.

Speaker 10 Enrique Chacone everyone wows like

Speaker 10 some noise for Enrique everybody

Speaker 95 my girlfriend she froze her eggs recently for family planning right turns out that shit cost $14,000 man

Speaker 95 I guess these egg prices really are high nowadays, you know what I'm saying? I could tell who's been shopping, dude.

Speaker 95 I heard a Spaniard guy speak Spanish in Texas, and that shit didn't sit right with me, man. It sounded gay as fuck.

Speaker 98 Ami me gustavlar de l'español

Speaker 98 espero que tudia este estupendo.

Speaker 95 Like, bro, that sounds like the British battle rap of Spanish. You know, I'm used to that Mexican Spanish in Texas, you know, where it sounds like a weed whacker starting them.

Speaker 95 You know, if the Spanish doesn't sound like a car missing its catalytic converter, man, I don't want to hear it, dude.

Speaker 95 Anyways, that's been my time, bro.

Speaker 90 Thank y'all so much.

Speaker 11 Exactly, one minute.

Speaker 22 Nailing it on the time tonight.

Speaker 36 Welcome back, Enrique.

Speaker 95 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 102 Did your girl really freeze her eggs?

Speaker 95 She did, and I know the doctor was all up in her vagina, bro. And

Speaker 95 it made me uncomfortable, dude.

Speaker 104 really is the doctor a guy it was a guy a white guy oh boy somehow that made it worse

Speaker 31 if you could have any type of guy inspecting your girlfriend's vagina what kind of guy would it be if you could pick your own gynecologist probably one of like those uh those um trannies from thailand bro what do they call them those boy toys not a boy toy god damn it red bad lady boy yeah

Speaker 96 Lady boy. I'll have a lady boy do that procedure, bro.

Speaker 53 You know, so you would like a feminine man to do it?

Speaker 95 That or me, which I think I qualify as a feminine man.

Speaker 58 What the fuck? That's true.

Speaker 15 Fat tits.

Speaker 43 There they are.

Speaker 58 Give me a dollar bill. Fuck it.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 91 Absolutely sweating profusely is always.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 95 I thought it wasn't going to happen today, bro. I sweated out in the morning, dude.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 95 Doing chores, cutting wood and shit, bro. But nah, dude, I'm still dripping.

Speaker 33 You cut wood?

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 60 For what?

Speaker 95 For bonfires, marshmallows, dude.

Speaker 58 Marshmallows,

Speaker 101 melted joglet.

Speaker 21 It's all just snacks for you.

Speaker 53 Nothing that has anything to do with like nature sustenance.

Speaker 83 It's just sure.

Speaker 47 Nature's cool, too.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 79 Hell yeah. So you cut wood and then you make s'mores?

Speaker 90 Make s'mores, dude, or put some chicken on a stick, bro.

Speaker 95 Throw it in the coals, you know?

Speaker 31 Chicken on a stick.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 108 You've done that.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 109 i'm latino bro we barbecue dude

Speaker 95 and you put it on a stick put it on a stick uh sheesh kebab i think that's how you say it dude you know my english

Speaker 105 my english no

Speaker 110 my english

Speaker 2 sheesh kebab

Speaker 9 dude i already chicken on a stick

Speaker 107 wow do you dip the chicken in something you go just straight

Speaker 95 sweet raised barbecue sauce you know what i'm saying david sweet i don't

Speaker 13 I'm shocked. All right.

Speaker 58 I'm just happy that there's another fat guy told me to roast out there. Hey, you know what?

Speaker 58 You made me feel a little self-conscious, too.

Speaker 73 I thought you were going to say you dipped the chicken in your sweat.

Speaker 95 That's disgusting. All right.

Speaker 28 Come on.

Speaker 95 This ain't Indio.

Speaker 28 Anyway, I shouldn't have said that.

Speaker 67 Fuck.

Speaker 64 I shouldn't have said that. Fuck y'all.

Speaker 95 Them Instagram reels are ridiculous. All right.

Speaker 67 Wow.

Speaker 113 So you cut wood.

Speaker 32 What are some more chores that you do?

Speaker 33 I can't picture you doing any of this shit, by the way.

Speaker 95 This is why I stopped drinking, dude.

Speaker 95 You know what? I have 17 animals at my property right now that I have to fucking feed, man. Can I get some of them fucking food stamps, bro? Because it's tough, dude.
I have six goats right now, dude.

Speaker 95 I have four chickens, two ducks, four cats, four dogs, and two squirrels, apparently, that I'm feeding, dude.

Speaker 57 Well, I mean, we all have squirrels, but

Speaker 107 why do you have two ducks?

Speaker 95 Two, I don't know, man. They were just so fucking cute at the tractor supply, bro.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 95 I just have to get them bitches, dude. And now I'm waiting.

Speaker 93 They just kind of run around and hang out with each other.

Speaker 115 No,

Speaker 95 I live in the backwoods of Austin, right? In the country. So, like, man, I have coyotes and hawks and shit.
So they have to be like securely locked down, you know.

Speaker 95 It's very like post-apocalyptic survival, you know, kind of thing.

Speaker 81 Huh.

Speaker 95 And it's me, me taking care of all of them, bro. I'm a good Latino father, dog.

Speaker 34 Okay, Stuart always have big families.

Speaker 31 Let's talk about the squirrels for just a second here because that one stood out to me.

Speaker 25 They just kind of stumbled in the neighborhood or do you have like tags on them?

Speaker 53 You keeping track of them?

Speaker 95 Man, I have this one squirrel, dude. She comes in front of my window every day, bro, and she's pregnant, too, right? It's not mine.
And

Speaker 95 she got like the biggest fucking areolas on her, bro.

Speaker 108 Oh, shit.

Speaker 95 I've been staring at this squirrel for like 30 minutes a day, 40 minutes a day, you know, before I actually have to go and do the shit that I have to do, you know, to make it to make some money.

Speaker 104 Wow.

Speaker 58 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 20 What are you planning on doing with the squirrel babies when they come?

Speaker 95 I don't know. Hopefully they can help me with some of these house chores.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 28 Nothing.

Speaker 95 Just probably feeding everybody, bro.

Speaker 95 I'm a Latino man, but I also feel like an abuelita inside, you know, just want to feed everything.

Speaker 59 You are adorable.

Speaker 118 Christina, you're a quiet, sweet little spirit have you ever seen anybody sweat quite as much as enrique chican is sweating right now um

Speaker 85 no but i think uh he wins

Speaker 95 this is christina look ai generated bro get the fuck out of here dog

Speaker 120 she ai up in here bro

Speaker 95 you just have to refresh her browser to get dressed and shit

Speaker 58 this took me about an hour bro i'm like nah i'm not gonna wear that mint green green shirt, dude.

Speaker 95 Everybody's going to see my sweats up to down my titties right here.

Speaker 36 Anyways, you're a wet front.

Speaker 80 Yeah, wet front.

Speaker 3 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 18 All right, Enrique, you're a golden ticket winner.

Speaker 33 You got it all going for you.

Speaker 31 You got the show started. Congratulations.

Speaker 122 Thank you, man.

Speaker 90 Thank you so much.

Speaker 24 Appreciate y'all.

Speaker 96 And here we go

Speaker 17 to the bucket.

Speaker 63 To the bucket we go.

Speaker 16 Your first name.

Speaker 33 We're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 123 This looks like, I feel like we've seen this person before. Make some noise for Rachel McMillan, everybody.

Speaker 18 Rachel McMillan.

Speaker 77 Rachel.

Speaker 93 Here's Rachel Macmillan, everybody.

Speaker 13 Make some noise for Rachel.

Speaker 124 I'm adopted. I was raised by white people, but I'm Mexican.
I'm not sure if I came with any papers, so my favorite sport is cross-country.

Speaker 124 Because I'm Mexican, my mom taught me how to mow a lawn before she taught me about safe sex.

Speaker 124 That's why I have two kids and a bald pussy.

Speaker 124 Growing up, my dad would punish me by spanking me with his fraternity paddle.

Speaker 124 Now I can't come without being hazed, but I can read classical Greek.

Speaker 124 All right, my family they love Disney World. They've been to Disney World like eight times.
They've even been to the Disney World in Japan, but they're getting a little out of control.

Speaker 124 They have a transgender whale now.

Speaker 124 They named him Maybe Dick.

Speaker 124 All right, thank you so much, guys.

Speaker 125 All right, Rachel McMellon.

Speaker 58 All right, Rachel, hi.

Speaker 53 Hey, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 124 Four years.

Speaker 120 Four years. Where at?

Speaker 124 Out of Houston, Texas.

Speaker 59 All of it in Houston?

Speaker 49 Yes. That's where you're from? Yes, sir.

Speaker 118 And that's where you live now?

Speaker 49 It is, yeah.

Speaker 59 Do you have a family?

Speaker 124 I do.

Speaker 32 Okay. Tell us about them.
What's that like?

Speaker 124 I have two teenage boys. We talked about it last time that I was on the show.

Speaker 124 You made endless fun of me for maybe me not knowing if I was the mother of them because I

Speaker 19 wouldn't have to do it.

Speaker 124 I'm a recovering addict. And

Speaker 81 yeah,

Speaker 124 I said one of the weirdest things about getting sober is you find out you have kids.

Speaker 110 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 92 Yes, it's all coming back to me now.

Speaker 5 Sure.

Speaker 107 What were you addicted to?

Speaker 124 What do you got?

Speaker 124 Okay, I was like

Speaker 124 addicted to pain medication,

Speaker 124 mixed with a little bit of heroin.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 59 Yeah, we can all relate to that.

Speaker 126 What was your bottom?

Speaker 33 When did you know that you needed help?

Speaker 124 Really?

Speaker 19 God, are you still on heroin?

Speaker 58 No, I'm not.

Speaker 124 Nine years sober. No,

Speaker 93 I guess. One year sober? Nine, yeah.

Speaker 45 Nine? Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 78 Thank you.

Speaker 27 I I was going to say, one year sober, the shit could be over tonight here on Sixth Streets.

Speaker 124 Fingers crossed. I guess

Speaker 124 I just, you just know when you've had enough. Like, it just, it didn't, I was done.
I was just done. I'd been

Speaker 124 to rehab maybe one too many times. I don't know.

Speaker 124 But yeah.

Speaker 33 What do you do now to fill the time and the

Speaker 79 space of the greatest feeling in the world being on heroin?

Speaker 60 Have you tried it?

Speaker 13 No, I just know.

Speaker 104 Okay.

Speaker 57 I know that because that's why I haven't tried it because I know that if I tried it, I would just do it all the time. Yeah.

Speaker 61 Obviously, you didn't know that before you tried it.

Speaker 124 That's what you.

Speaker 25 I've heard rumors that it's the greatest thing in the world from everybody that's tried it.

Speaker 59 Good.

Speaker 124 It is.

Speaker 124 I actually recently started

Speaker 124 drifting cars.

Speaker 107 No way.

Speaker 102 wow what how did you get into that are you dating a persian guy

Speaker 124 i'm actually dating or engaged to a guy who's 16 years younger than me so if i do my math correctly i've been sucking dick longer than he's been alive so

Speaker 124 wow i've been saving to say that that's incredible where'd you meet this guy at um i met him through friends actually we went to a haunted house that was our first date a haunted house was your first date it wasn't our first date but it's how we met did you make a move move at the haunted house?

Speaker 124 Yeah, I put on a mask and I was like, I'm your new mom. No, I am.

Speaker 124 I did not make a move on him then, no.

Speaker 49 Have you always been into younger guys, or is this a new thing?

Speaker 124 I mean, I guess this is a new thing, yeah. 16 years is quite the age gap.

Speaker 31 What do you notice that's different between dating a guy 16 years younger than you and a normal guy?

Speaker 81 A normal guy?

Speaker 6 Yeah, like a guy you're older.

Speaker 124 Or like a guy, that's mature.

Speaker 124 I don't know. I just, I think that there's a lot of

Speaker 124 he has a lot of great qualities, good moral compass, same path.

Speaker 118 What does he do for work?

Speaker 124 He's actually a roofer. He works for a roofing company, has his own company.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Incredible.

Speaker 127 My goodness.

Speaker 118 I could see why that would work out.

Speaker 124 Hey, it's working out pretty well. We're doing all right.

Speaker 26 He works on roofs.

Speaker 104 You've hit bottom before.

Speaker 60 That's right.

Speaker 92 Okay. Rachel, how do you make money I work as a paralegal

Speaker 124 in the legal field yeah okay yeah and what do you what what are these kids up to how old are they again uh 18 and 19.

Speaker 124 okay so what are they doing are they in school one is actually trying to go to aviation school so okay and the other one um

Speaker 32 you guys love getting high in your family

Speaker 124 This is about as high as you can get. Yeah, it's flying.

Speaker 53 What's the other one up to?

Speaker 23 The disappointing one.

Speaker 105 He's not disappointing.

Speaker 26 I know of aviation schools first.

Speaker 120 The other one's trying mom's old fucking Vicoden.

Speaker 124 I mean, he just likes to have girlfriends and make my life a living hell with his girlfriend.

Speaker 91 Explain to us, there's a lot of moms out there that love this show.

Speaker 21 Explain to us how the sun is making your life hell.

Speaker 124 Okay, well, one of the first things he said when he started dating this hooker, no, this girl, this very nice girl, sorry. hooker's name is chelsea um he

Speaker 124 he says serial why don't you like the girl i don't dislike her i just don't like definitely don't like her

Speaker 131 there's no point in like trying to backtrack now hey man she's already seen this part of the show she's watching right now and she's like well whatever she says next Can't be worse than that.

Speaker 124 I bought.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 13 You already called her a hooker.

Speaker 55 Literally in front of millions of people.

Speaker 124 You see that little red light out there i see the red light yeah she well she's watching you through that okay what

Speaker 124 she um i bought my kids lsu sweatshirts because they're a big lsu family uh on the dad's side and she she took it you know she took the sweater i had to go to the house and make a big scene about getting the sweater back it was it's like a hoodie it's a hoodie yeah so you're mad because you gave your son a hoodie

Speaker 124 because there's a lot of you know uh conflict between the two and they've been off and on for a couple of years so And the first thing that she, one of the first things she said was like,

Speaker 124 I'm on birth control, don't worry. And I'm like, you're...

Speaker 124 Can't even drive a car yet. Fuck you.

Speaker 90 Wait, she can't drive a car?

Speaker 124 Well, I'm just saying she's so young, and she's telling me she's on birth control.

Speaker 40 I'm getting already a little frustrated.

Speaker 50 This is very good.

Speaker 58 I'm glad that we're talking about this.

Speaker 26 I love this.

Speaker 19 I think I'm crushing this interview, by the way.

Speaker 48 So

Speaker 54 she told you that she's on birth control.

Speaker 32 control she's like hey everything

Speaker 124 don't worry i'm on birth control and you were like you didn't like that don't you think that she was comfortable enough to share with you that and that she's just telling you well he chimed in like later on don't worry mom she's on and i'm like this is a conversation that you and i can have apart from you know uh you just telling me that's like the first great thing about this girl no well i mean it is pretty fucking awesome

Speaker 65 yeah, damn.

Speaker 101 There's a fucking guy lighting there.

Speaker 58 All right.

Speaker 19 Everybody loves nutting inside of things.

Speaker 52 And your son does, too.

Speaker 53 How does that make you feel knowing that your son is blasting loads into a woman that you call a hooker?

Speaker 54 Sometimes, I bet he blasts inside of her, and the only thing she's wearing is that LSU hoodie that you fucking.

Speaker 124 I hope so. It's a good college.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Every once in a while, he just checks But luckily, he's not getting it on the hoodie that you're so worried about because it's all going inside of her fucking...

Speaker 124 That's good.

Speaker 77 Her cold vagina.

Speaker 77 All right, Rachel.

Speaker 124 Man, I blacked out.

Speaker 53 Well, fun times, Rachel.

Speaker 65 You got through it.

Speaker 20 You know, you got to fucking...

Speaker 58 You know, I want to hear more about this.

Speaker 117 I want to hear more about the drugs and stuff.

Speaker 113 That maybe dick joke I've heard a couple times before, but it's okay.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 122 You know what I mean?

Speaker 31 So try to take chances, right?

Speaker 129 Don't try to please the people.

Speaker 56 Talk about your stuff, your life.

Speaker 6 Rachel McMillan, everybody, there she goes.

Speaker 90 We're going to keep it moving along here.

Speaker 33 This is definitely a new name. I love new names.
But then again, everybody's new when you can't remember if they've been on the show before.

Speaker 92 You know what I mean?

Speaker 36 All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better. You know the moment.
You're binge watching different things and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected.

Speaker 36 Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery, though, let's be honest. Getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver.

Speaker 36 It's also Prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting, right, Ban?

Speaker 37 Whether streaming a stand-up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way.

Speaker 37 So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember Prime is there for it.

Speaker 36 I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.
From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into.
Amazon.com slash Prime.

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Speaker 53 All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 20 Nolan Gustine

Speaker 101 Priest

Speaker 78 or

Speaker 134 Dries or Priest.

Speaker 3 Nolan Gustine

Speaker 19 Priest. Make some noise for Nolan, everybody.

Speaker 45 I'm into persistent dogma. Otherwise, I'm just trying to say I'm religious.

Speaker 45 Really into the idea of group convincing other people that they're always wrong. That's a hard power to pass up.

Speaker 45 I've also been dabbling in addiction as of lately.

Speaker 45 When

Speaker 45 it comes to suspicion coming around, and it always does, because you move funny and you act funny when you're high. I've come up with a master plan.
I'm just going to blame my siblings.

Speaker 3 No, he doesn't got it.

Speaker 131 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 135 Shut up.

Speaker 19 Talking during people's fucking sets.

Speaker 65 Hello,

Speaker 33 Nolan. Hey.

Speaker 20 This is exciting.

Speaker 56 We went from a former heroin addict to a current one.

Speaker 131 Very rarely does that happen on this show. Must have been a matter of minutes since you last shot up.

Speaker 45 Never tried it.

Speaker 74 You never tried heroin, buddy?

Speaker 19 You might as well.

Speaker 16 There is no reason for you to not be on heroin right now.

Speaker 94 You look like you're on heroin. You do comedy like you're on heroin.

Speaker 131 Nolan, welcome to the show.

Speaker 32 How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 45 This is my third week.

Speaker 3 Third week. Okay.

Speaker 53 What made you want to start a month ago?

Speaker 45 I was a class clown growing up, and I just, I was used to be afraid to do this because I just didn't want to deal with my family's judgments around it.

Speaker 45 And after many years, it just came down to fuck them. I'm going to do me.

Speaker 40 So.

Speaker 58 Wow, look at that. I love it.
Okay.

Speaker 59 David Lucas.

Speaker 73 I feel like you just killed a cat before you came here.

Speaker 73 The T-Moo version of Jesus.

Speaker 13 That's weird.

Speaker 114 Hallelujah.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 112 That's...

Speaker 72 Bro, you have such a red rum energy.

Speaker 138 It's so weird.

Speaker 72 You ever started a cult?

Speaker 45 I'm willing to.

Speaker 104 You got a van?

Speaker 45 I used to live in one.

Speaker 134 Yeah, I can tell, nigga.

Speaker 73 And you smell like it.

Speaker 28 How old are you, Nolan?

Speaker 45 27. 27.

Speaker 139 What do you do for work?

Speaker 45 Right now, I'm just a disabled comic.

Speaker 32 Okay, what's disabled about you?

Speaker 45 I went through testicular cancer a couple years ago, and I had to give up a nut for this shit.

Speaker 81 Wow.

Speaker 26 Testicular cancer.

Speaker 88 Wow.

Speaker 19 So how did you find out that you had it?

Speaker 113 Take us through the process.

Speaker 32 This is a lot of people's biggest fears. Were you showering and you felt something?

Speaker 32 Take us through the process, Nolan.

Speaker 45 Alright, so this is kind of fucked up, but I shit you not for the longest time. It was like the size of an my right nut, which had the most cancer, it was the size of like an avocado.

Speaker 45 It didn't hurt for a while, though, so I just didn't want to tell people about it. Sensitive subject, even though I like being funny and morbid, and I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it.

Speaker 45 So eventually I start telling people. And most people are saying the same thing, get it checked out.
I'm like, nah, I'll fast it away. Smoke a reefer.

Speaker 11 I'm good. I don't need it.

Speaker 45 That was bullshit. So

Speaker 45 eventually went to the hospital because I woke up in just 10 out of 10 pain, screaming. The people I was living with heard me.

Speaker 45 Called my parents who I hadn't spoken to in a while. They even said, what the hell are you doing? Get to the hospital.
And that day I find it out.

Speaker 45 And even after the original diagnosis, I was still like, all right, let me ask a bunch of people, get different opinions.

Speaker 108 Holy shit.

Speaker 45 And yeah, they gave me six months to live. So I was like, I'm going to go ahead and go with the traditional bullshit that ended up saving my life.

Speaker 53 Of course, yes, no doubt about it.

Speaker 57 I have 14 follow-up questions.

Speaker 32 If you had to guess how long it was from when you noticed originally your one testicle getting bigger than the other all the way down to that day going to the hospital, if you had to guess ballpark, how long that was.

Speaker 63 Literally ballpark.

Speaker 57 That was an accident, by the way.

Speaker 65 If you had to ballpark the ball,

Speaker 141 I didn't have the balls to talk.

Speaker 107 A year, two years?

Speaker 45 Yeah, I didn't have the balls to talk about it for the first year and a half. So between that and two.

Speaker 68 Wow.

Speaker 140 Incredible.

Speaker 33 And had the cancer spread to the other ball by that point?

Speaker 45 Luckily not, just to the

Speaker 45 lymph nodes that are all around my body, which was pretty scary, but they said I'm in remission.

Speaker 117 Amazing. How long ago was this?

Speaker 45 About two and a half years ago.

Speaker 129 Two and a half years ago, and you haven't had it since?

Speaker 40 Not that I know of.

Speaker 140 Incredible. And the one ball acts as two right now, right?

Speaker 45 Yeah, I actually met one of the nurses along the journey, and she said her brother had it, and he ended up having three healthy kids. So I'm hoping I can do the same.

Speaker 77 Wow, incredible.

Speaker 31 So you're looking forward to having children at some point.

Speaker 45 Yeah, I'm going to get tested first, or I'll just adopt because I don't want to mess nobody's future up just because I want kids, but I'd like to.

Speaker 75 You could probably find a good girl out there on birth control wearing an LSU hoodie.

Speaker 37 Brian Redman, what What did your voice sound like before you lost the ball?

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Good question. Similar.

Speaker 45 Similar.

Speaker 117 Good question.

Speaker 45 It was definitely similar.

Speaker 45 I do feel a little bit less aggressive though, but I don't recommend it.

Speaker 40 Right.

Speaker 139 What do you do for work?

Speaker 45 Before disabled. I was doing solar panels.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 140 Solar panels.

Speaker 88 So you were out there getting a lot of sunlight.

Speaker 45 Pretty much, yeah.

Speaker 88 And the panels were underneath you reflecting upward.

Speaker 27 Do you think this had anything to do with the cancer?

Speaker 45 That and I always wore a kilt.

Speaker 56 You wore a kilt?

Speaker 45 No, I'm just playing, but yeah, that could have definitely.

Speaker 45 I wanted to, though, when I had it, because...

Speaker 59 I swear to God, you do that again, I'm going to kick you in the ball.

Speaker 47 That would be fun.

Speaker 20 What do you do for fun, Nolan?

Speaker 45 Pretty much how I look. I love to go swimming, love to just hang out.
Conversations are my favorite.

Speaker 45 I'm a wannabe philosopher, so I'm always just trying to get see what's going on and getting to know.

Speaker 53 When you say you're a wannabe philosopher, what exactly do you mean?

Speaker 45 I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 53 Nostra dumbass over here.

Speaker 58 David.

Speaker 138 I just want to, were you having sex while your nuts were that big?

Speaker 119 Because I feel like I want to fuck all the time if my balls were the size of avocados.

Speaker 45 Even worse, I was trying to do the whole no-fab because it was after I'd broke up with somebody. I was doing the celibacy.

Speaker 138 What's no fab?

Speaker 45 Where you just hold in your cum and act like it gives you superpowers.

Speaker 77 Oh, that's why you got cancer.

Speaker 69 That's why you got cancer.

Speaker 69 That's an actual thing.

Speaker 71 You didn't have cancer.

Speaker 76 Your nuts were just really full.

Speaker 72 You should have just jacked off.

Speaker 77 It would have gone away.

Speaker 58 Yep.

Speaker 71 They didn't tell you that.

Speaker 141 Look, I tried all the alternatives.

Speaker 65 Jerk off.

Speaker 26 Masturbate.

Speaker 92 Health advice here from your senior medical correspondent, Tony Henchcliffe.

Speaker 58 Jerk off, boys.

Speaker 138 You a vibe, though. I'd start a cult with you, bro.

Speaker 59 Let's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 I would love to cosplay as Jesus and make a ruckus.

Speaker 138 Ain't cosplay. Don't cosplay mean like sex?

Speaker 59 Nope. What's that called?

Speaker 120 Does that work?

Speaker 45 Does Jesus have sex?

Speaker 39 I thought cosplay is when them white girls dress up with that leather and then be spanking niggas that's bondage I'll try that too what's it called bondage oh bondage oh yeah oh well I'll cosplay yeah even if it were just pranks and just messing with people getting old people's money whatever Nolan are you doing a lot of open mics are you trying hard at this yeah I just came down here the beginning of the month and I've been going every week trying the different ones yeah when you're doing it get the mic closer to your mouth project fucking go for it and look these people in their goddamn eyes you're looking down a a lot you're fucking being a little shy guy but you have to look at them you have to look at your you look look at them sure woo look at them with those frightening eyes of yours I can only look at with one eye so that's absolutely incredible I bet that's what your balls looked like at the end this fucking one one's just fucking

Speaker 34 little wobbly balls over there all right well you could put this in your little nutsack where your ball used to be there's a little joke book Nolan

Speaker 13 Gustine

Speaker 90 Priest.

Speaker 135 Hola.

Speaker 11 Look at this, everybody.

Speaker 19 If you need help jerking off and not getting testicular cancer, pause the video now, boys.

Speaker 12 Pause the video now.

Speaker 102 It's perfect.

Speaker 77 It's a bottle of water.

Speaker 19 Nothing spilled. No harm done.

Speaker 3 Heidi can do no wrong.

Speaker 3 Heidi's the best.

Speaker 23 She's smart too.

Speaker 130 Earlier she told me that two plus two is five and I agreed with her She's a very smart girl.

Speaker 27 I agree with everything she says.

Speaker 58 All right.

Speaker 27 Your next bucket pull is on the inside.

Speaker 12 Make some noise for Rudy Ventura, everybody.

Speaker 27 We're keeping him moving along.

Speaker 18 How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

Speaker 18 How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Speaker 78 Oh,

Speaker 81 whoa.

Speaker 61 Ruthless.

Speaker 107 Rudy Ventura's coming to the stage any fucking second.

Speaker 107 Here he comes.

Speaker 58 comes here he is ladies and gentlemen our rudy ventura

Speaker 101 hell yeah

Speaker 105 uh guys i just uh have some great news i just had my first baby recently

Speaker 105 whoa i don't know what you guys are clapping for i didn't say i was gonna raise him but i appreciate you guys for that

Speaker 105 Shit's crazy. Shit's crazy since I had my son, to be honest.

Speaker 105 Like, like, before I had my son, like, I was a raging alcoholic and now I'm just an alcoholic because I gotta go home to him after this shit you know

Speaker 105 like before I I used to like I used to get real fucked up and then I'd have to like have to figure out like do I want to get fucked up with my homeboys or do I want to get fucked up with my son

Speaker 105 or should I get fucked up with my son and then go see my homeboys like either way I don't want him drinking at home by himself

Speaker 105 No, but you know what's crazy? A lot of people tell me I look Indian or Arabic and growing up I could never tell the difference between them to be honest like

Speaker 105 They told me Indians have red dots on their forehead because of the religion, you know, they're Hindu and Arabs do too, but it's not because of their religion

Speaker 105 Those guys don't realize that they have one until after they're dead

Speaker 58 All right, Rudy Ventura.

Speaker 43 Hi Rudy.

Speaker 93 How long you been on stand-up Rudy?

Speaker 105 Two years right now.

Speaker 130 Two years. Where at?

Speaker 105 Dallas, Texas.

Speaker 26 What do you do for work?

Speaker 105 I do landscaping.

Speaker 69 Whoa, okay.

Speaker 19 So that answers my next question.

Speaker 105 Cut the grass and sell it. You're Mexican.
No, I'm Salvadorian.

Speaker 77 Ooh, Salvador.

Speaker 15 Yeah, we're like the immigrants of the immigrants.

Speaker 92 We know.

Speaker 58 We know. Thank you.
Absolutely.

Speaker 19 So what do your parents do? Are they here in America?

Speaker 105 Yeah, they're here in America. Hell yeah.
I fixed their papers a couple years back. They're doing great.
They got a ranch. In Corsicana.
Okay. Are they taking care of the family?

Speaker 19 David Lucas loves ranch on everything.

Speaker 19 And so they're taking care of.

Speaker 31 You guys got a bunch of animals and stuff?

Speaker 80 Yeah, they got a bunch of animals.

Speaker 105 Yeah, a bunch of kids and shit, you know, animals. Yeah, they are.
They're a bunch of crazy people out there.

Speaker 28 Yeah. Which is beautiful.

Speaker 103 How many people are out there?

Speaker 105 Oh, like six or seven. Yeah.
Okay. A lot of us left, so here.

Speaker 81 All right. We're doing better in America.

Speaker 105 Well, who works on the ranch? My dad.

Speaker 81 Right.

Speaker 127 He's old as fuck. Yeah, he's doing great, though.

Speaker 49 How old is he?

Speaker 105 67 or 60. Yeah,

Speaker 105 nine. I don't know.
He's like around there.

Speaker 31 Okay. 67 or 69.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 113 Those are right next to each other, so it could be either one.

Speaker 105 English is my second language, so yeah.

Speaker 90 Math is too.

Speaker 92 You're doing good. You're doing good.

Speaker 34 Thank you. David Lucas.

Speaker 138 Man, it's crazy.

Speaker 73 Rudy is actually a friend of mine.

Speaker 72 I know him very well.

Speaker 58 Yeah, I'm his plug.

Speaker 7 And he...

Speaker 105 I sell him Coke, but Ozmpic's not working in it right now.

Speaker 73 Rudy, get me all the snack foods before they come out in the stores.

Speaker 15 Shout out to my Vatos.

Speaker 73 But Rudy is actually a really horrible father.

Speaker 112 The night he had his...

Speaker 58 No.

Speaker 71 Yeah, tell him about it.

Speaker 101 Bro,

Speaker 72 he was chilling with me in Dallas. I do a rose battle up there.

Speaker 73 He's in the green room. We're taking shots.

Speaker 138 He's like, oh, yeah, my baby was just born.

Speaker 65 And I'm like, today?

Speaker 76 And he's like, yeah, I'm like, nigga, go be a fucking father.

Speaker 72 You got that chick at the hospital by herself while you're here taking shots.

Speaker 105 I got a dream I got to chase. She knows.

Speaker 3 Did you go?

Speaker 20 Did you go hang out with your newborn kid after that?

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah, of course.

Speaker 53 You did shots with David Lucas and then you went and hunted up.

Speaker 17 Yeah, I went straight to the hospital.

Speaker 105 I had to get fucked up to watch that shit.

Speaker 125 That shit was just a little wild.

Speaker 31 But you didn't even watch it.

Speaker 53 The kid came out when you were drinking with David, right?

Speaker 105 Yeah, but I'm talking about like holding him and shit. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 125 Oh.

Speaker 33 You had to get drunk to look your baby in the eyes.

Speaker 90 Yeah, that shit was crazy.

Speaker 77 I was not ready for that.

Speaker 78 Yes.

Speaker 105 That's like looking at you right now. I'm like, holy shit.
Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 14 Look at my baby.

Speaker 69 He's getting big. It's crazy.

Speaker 26 It's crazy.

Speaker 31 It's true. Thank you.
It's just, I'm just like your baby.

Speaker 26 Beautiful. Absolutely.

Speaker 19 So how old's the kid now?

Speaker 58 Six months. All right.
So how's it been going?

Speaker 53 How many times do you think you visited this kid?

Speaker 105 Oh, I've been there every day. She's crazy.
You know, after

Speaker 105 he came out, I had to, you know, do father's stuff, and I've been there every day.

Speaker 19 It's been cool. Like, what?

Speaker 32 What kind of father's stuff?

Speaker 105 Like, change his diaper or like puts Miss Rachel on if I have to.

Speaker 105 Like, I still got to go make bottles and shit. I've been doing a lot of this.

Speaker 105 That's just how I make bottles.

Speaker 125 Yeah, it's been cool. Bottles and stuff.

Speaker 53 Okay, you still hooking up with the baby mama?

Speaker 105 Yeah, we live together. Yeah, we just got an apartment.

Speaker 65 Yeah, nice.

Speaker 105 Yeah,

Speaker 105 for now, I feel stable for once. It's just because I used to fuck a bunch of bitches when I first was wilding and shit.

Speaker 105 And it's cool to finally feel like instead of waking up to my PS5, it's my girlfriend and my baby and food in the fridge and shit. It's just cool.

Speaker 77 This is incredible.

Speaker 18 I see very clearly why you and David get along so well.

Speaker 77 In the fridge,

Speaker 13 Drinking and fucking bitches and visiting my kids sometimes, changing a diaper and having a shot.

Speaker 114 I look up to this fool, man.

Speaker 71 Yeah. I'm actually a good father.

Speaker 101 Oh, I know. You're doing great.

Speaker 51 Rudy's a terrible family.

Speaker 20 What does the baby mama do for work?

Speaker 105 Does she have a she works for a dad's plumbing company? I lay the pipe, but no, she really does work for a dad's plumbing company. Yeah.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 105 Successful business. Are you doing great?

Speaker 31 So you're not drinking as much as you used to drink.

Speaker 105 Yeah, I chill down. out.

Speaker 101 I still drink, though. I get fucked up.

Speaker 31 Give us an example of a time recently in which you've gotten fucked up.

Speaker 114 Oh, I crashed my car with David.

Speaker 105 I mean, not with David.

Speaker 112 Why the fuck would you say that?

Speaker 110 What are you asking me?

Speaker 51 I gotta be honest.

Speaker 90 David, let's put it on the back.

Speaker 9 Put the microphone back.

Speaker 27 Tell me the whole story. Let's go.

Speaker 69 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 15 David was with you?

Speaker 80 Yeah, David is my best friend.

Speaker 28 Love this.

Speaker 58 Yes, he was.

Speaker 53 Yes, he was.

Speaker 19 You keep that mic where it is.

Speaker 16 No, stand back, Rudy.

Speaker 13 Stand back.

Speaker 17 Sorry. Tell us about the evening.

Speaker 58 Oh, I got like,

Speaker 105 David hit me up out of nowhere.

Speaker 114 He was like, what's up, my boy?

Speaker 134 What you doing? I'm like, shit, I'm just at the crib.

Speaker 80 Don't got a kid yet.

Speaker 15 And we ended up hanging out at this arcade, like little bar and shit.

Speaker 105 We got real fucked up. The Casamigos.

Speaker 105 He was supposed to buy them, and then they ended up on my tab, but that's cool. It is my boy, anyways.
Yep.

Speaker 15 Welcome to hanging out with David Lucas.

Speaker 60 That's all good.

Speaker 69 If you've ever wondered what it's like, what goes around comes around here because you're fat.

Speaker 28 All right.

Speaker 58 But

Speaker 105 we ended up hanging out. I got a little too much shots, Casamigos.

Speaker 127 That's the drink, right?

Speaker 58 What you got?

Speaker 80 Keep going.

Speaker 105 Anyways, Casamigos, my homies, we ended up getting fucked up. And then I don't remember leaving.
And then I crashed my Mercedes. I had just bought the Mercedes.
That shit was crazy.

Speaker 105 Drug money was doing great at the time.

Speaker 89 What happened that made you crash it? Do you remember?

Speaker 38 No.

Speaker 105 She remembered, though. I didn't have insurance, but we worked things out.
She didn't have insurance either, though. She was a nice, beautiful black lady.

Speaker 89 She did not have insurance?

Speaker 77 No.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 113 So, how did you work things out?

Speaker 45 I paid her. I just fixed the car.

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 105 I got some cousins and shit, too.

Speaker 32 So, your cousins fixed the car?

Speaker 105 Made them a batos, yeah.

Speaker 34 Yeah, the batos.

Speaker 32 MS-13? Your Casamigos helped you.

Speaker 105 That's our mechanic shops going though.

Speaker 67 Casamigos.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Like Casa de los Amigos. We got a taco stand out there, too.

Speaker 58 I bet they fucking. What chapel?

Speaker 58 We know.

Speaker 104 We know.

Speaker 65 All right, Rudy.

Speaker 31 David, anything you want to say?

Speaker 138 That's not how the fucking story went.

Speaker 27 Yeah. Why don't you tell your version of the story?

Speaker 58 So, first of all, I was not fucked up, but we did meet at an arcade.

Speaker 87 Oh, yeah, I was fucked up.

Speaker 138 We were all leaving to go back to the Airbnb that I was staying at. Nice to meet you.

Speaker 72 Because he was trying to bring some fucking Latin hoes over.

Speaker 80 Before my girl.

Speaker 137 Yeah, and I was like, I don't want no more kids.

Speaker 101 So we all left. Everyone came here.

Speaker 72 We all left.

Speaker 73 The Airbnb is like six minutes away from where we're at.

Speaker 76 Two hours has passed.

Speaker 138 I'm like, where the fuck is Rudy?

Speaker 40 I'm talking about that.

Speaker 137 I'm FaceTime and him, all this shit.

Speaker 73 And then he just appears at 3 a.m.

Speaker 137 in the morning.

Speaker 138 Just show up at the fucking Airbnb and you're like, my daddy.

Speaker 116 He did text at 3.24. I think I was talking.

Speaker 127 Something like that.

Speaker 72 And you're like, my car is gone.

Speaker 104 I'm like, what the fuck do you mean?

Speaker 101 I like ghosts.

Speaker 73 He was like, I hit a black bitch.

Speaker 60 I was like, what?

Speaker 28 Black Hawk Down, you know.

Speaker 77 So I was like, I hit a Mercedes with my Mercedes.

Speaker 105 No, her name was Destiny, but that was my Destiny.

Speaker 137 I just told him to lay down and we'll figure it out in the morning. So I wake up like 9:30 so that we can go try to figure this shit out.

Speaker 42 And this motherfucker's gone.

Speaker 102 Yeah, you took the line.

Speaker 105 You sleep.

Speaker 101 You sleep, bro. You hibernate.

Speaker 111 I got to go.

Speaker 15 This motherfucker got an airplane at 12 and it's 11.

Speaker 121 I got to get the fuck out of this bitch.

Speaker 76 But he ended up, he did pay the lady.

Speaker 72 The lady was hella.

Speaker 142 Thank God she was black.

Speaker 73 She didn't call the cops or anything.

Speaker 83 Well, yeah, that's what happens when you don't have insurance or a registration and the car is most likely stolen.

Speaker 32 So, luckily, you got very lucky there.

Speaker 17 Well, my car was stolen.

Speaker 134 I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 58 All right, Rudy. No, I'm fucking around.

Speaker 77 Thank you.

Speaker 23 Fun times.

Speaker 56 Here's a slightly larger than small joke book. Appreciate you.

Speaker 43 There goes Rudy Ventura, everybody.

Speaker 58 All right.

Speaker 20 I'm going to keep it moving along here.

Speaker 144 I'm a kid. So am I going to surprise surprise you with a poster board I need for the science fair tomorrow? Probably, but can you get up to 40% off back to school centrals on Uber Eats? Definitely.

Speaker 144 So order on Uber Eats and get up to 40% off.

Speaker 84 Exclusions May Apply. Check out for availability.

Speaker 146 This episode is brought to you by Nespresso and Samra Origins by the Weekend Coffee Collection.

Speaker 41 Introducing Samura Origins. My collaboration with Nespresso is a connection to my roots, to my mother, Samura.

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Speaker 146 Discover more at nespresso.com.

Speaker 27 Your next bucket pull is also on the inside.

Speaker 21 Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Aaron Spaller.

Speaker 58 Aaron Spaller.

Speaker 111 No real

Speaker 19 banging sets yet.

Speaker 17 Everybody's kind of cruising through tonight.

Speaker 32 Aaron Spaller, here comes Aaron Spaller.

Speaker 31 Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.

Speaker 67 One more time for Aaron Spaller, everybody.

Speaker 147 So I was told once you go black, you never go back.

Speaker 98 I was stressed out.

Speaker 147 I couldn't wait to go back personally.

Speaker 148 The biggest issue was constantly being compared to where black exes.

Speaker 149 As a white guy, that's not where you want to be.

Speaker 109 So I figured if I can't beat them, I'll join them.

Speaker 147 So I started fucking fat white girls.

Speaker 109 The issue is, is I started to enjoy it.

Speaker 59 And I'm from the Midwest, the casserole capital of America.

Speaker 111 They're everywhere up there.

Speaker 147 I had a little too much fun.

Speaker 67 And that's how I earned the nickname the Fupa Bazooka.

Speaker 147 Which I don't think my mom was too proud of.

Speaker 147 Because I caught her googling if 300 months is too late for an abortion.

Speaker 147 Thank you.

Speaker 65 okay

Speaker 59 aaron spoller is this true did you really hook up with a black woman a few of them really yeah wow where would you meet them at

Speaker 79 tinder morning mainly yeah okay so you're on the dating apps and that was it was and okay well you're you're not anymore no why not now what happened uh it's a sad place to be

Speaker 32 yeah why why tell us about what you mean by that

Speaker 148 I have bad self-control, so it's like, yeah, I'm looking for love, but when the thicker ones come across, just kind of get in there and seal the deal, and then I get too distracted, and then I got like ten fat girls hitting me up every night, and then I don't get any work done, so then I just stop.

Speaker 34 Right, so yeah,

Speaker 61 you

Speaker 92 kind of

Speaker 79 went deep down this,

Speaker 61 I wouldn't call it it a rabbit, a pig hole.

Speaker 149 I play around in the barnyard, yeah.

Speaker 83 Wow, incredible.

Speaker 113 So, tell us all about it.

Speaker 33 What are some things that you've learned from hooking up with big chicks that's different than hooking up with regular-sized girls or what many people would call beautiful women?

Speaker 58 The first things that

Speaker 32 I'm kidding, they're beautiful too, but seriously, what's up?

Speaker 148 No, I'm with you. I hate the body positivity movement, but um

Speaker 130 all right, keep going.

Speaker 58 Tell us, why do you like big chicks?

Speaker 26 What is it about big chicks?

Speaker 111 What is it?

Speaker 149 The jiggle, honestly.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 148 Yeah, I like the motion.

Speaker 148 You know, they're skinny and nothing moves.

Speaker 67 It doesn't.

Speaker 149 Nothing registers.

Speaker 26 Right.

Speaker 58 I don't know.

Speaker 18 What's the biggest girl, if you had to guess, that you hooked up with?

Speaker 27 Let's guess some weights here.

Speaker 147 I will say, I couldn't get my arms around her.

Speaker 15 I'm going to 350 plus.

Speaker 58 Wow. 350 at the like light side.

Speaker 23 And she was like short too. So a short 350.

Speaker 19 We're talking about like 5'3.

Speaker 77 She's tall, too.

Speaker 149 Oh, no.

Speaker 28 Yeah, not like tall, but average and 5'7.

Speaker 34 Was she bigger than David Lucas?

Speaker 60 Like, width-wise?

Speaker 74 Sure.

Speaker 79 Yeah. Oh, shit.

Speaker 104 Absolutely. Wow.

Speaker 69 This is incredible.

Speaker 60 That's not sad.

Speaker 3 You have to take a girl like that out to dinner before hooking up.

Speaker 69 Oh, no way.

Speaker 32 That's not in the budget whatsoever.

Speaker 52 No, no.

Speaker 27 So she comes straight to your place.

Speaker 47 I went to hers, but yeah,

Speaker 32 you went to her place. What was it like?

Speaker 28 Do you remember?

Speaker 87 Yeah, we watched a movie.

Speaker 67 Drank something. What was the movie that you guys watched?

Speaker 148 Oh, it's that one with the...

Speaker 147 Something body. Jennifer's body, I think.

Speaker 148 It's got the hot bitch from Transformers.

Speaker 116 Megan Fox, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 9 There you go.

Speaker 32 So you're watching that movie, then what happens?

Speaker 28 I tried to put my arm around her.

Speaker 19 That's what you went for first?

Speaker 48 You went for a true hug, a true first base maneuver?

Speaker 65 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 56 Hug, and then that wasn't working.

Speaker 56 I mean,

Speaker 77 it was close,

Speaker 77 but not close enough.

Speaker 90 You want play by play through the whole thing?

Speaker 53 You couldn't connect your fingertips, am I correct?

Speaker 28 Oh, God, no, no. When it came time to kiss her and I put the other arm around, no, there was no clasp.

Speaker 25 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 33 So there you are. You're making out with her, and then what happens?

Speaker 150 I just started feeling all of it.

Speaker 19 Yeah, tell us about that. Describe to this audience.

Speaker 91 Look at them in their eyes and tell them what hooking up with this bohemoth monster was like.

Speaker 147 It felt like I was conquering something.

Speaker 149 I was a man on a mission.

Speaker 148 Everything felt like a tit.

Speaker 3 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 77 There we are.

Speaker 18 Big pop from the crowd on everything felt like a tit.

Speaker 117 Have you ever said that before?

Speaker 58 No. There you go.

Speaker 132 That's part of your thing now.

Speaker 58 It is.

Speaker 19 You could talk about that while talking about what it's like hooking up with big chicks.

Speaker 69 That's funny.

Speaker 103 Everything felt like a tit.

Speaker 108 Keep going.

Speaker 32 Tell us more.

Speaker 18 You're doing good.

Speaker 101 That's probably the best joke we've heard all night.

Speaker 117 It just came out of nowhere.

Speaker 93 Describe, then what happens? What's the difference between a fat girl's vagina and a normal girl's vagina?

Speaker 147 You got to pick the foopa up.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 148 You got to get it out your way.

Speaker 83 God, this is disgusting.

Speaker 97 Does everything smell like anal?

Speaker 58 Like, because of the battle?

Speaker 61 Okay, Red Band.

Speaker 43 All right, there we go. Big one.

Speaker 26 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 32 Fat people tend to bathe themselves, overly bathe.

Speaker 33 Did you notice this?

Speaker 147 It was clean.

Speaker 60 I mean, there was no smells, no nothing. Yeah, I never thought about that.

Speaker 34 Are you ever on bottom with any of these big girls?

Speaker 58 Yes.

Speaker 32 Okay, and describe to us what that's like.

Speaker 31 Describe to us what it's like being waffle house, hash browns,

Speaker 92 smothered, covered,

Speaker 91 gassed.

Speaker 31 Describe to this crowd what it's like being on bottom while someone that's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds is on top of you.

Speaker 29 Do they put all their weight on you or are they trying to alleviate some of that?

Speaker 28 They can't hold it up. They can't hold it up.
No, no, no, no. You can't suck it in that far, you know?

Speaker 125 Right.

Speaker 147 But it's like, have you ever tried to bench press more than you could?

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Is that what you do?

Speaker 53 Are you lifting them up sometimes from the bottom position?

Speaker 81 Try.

Speaker 143 Uh-huh.

Speaker 28 Depends on the one that night.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 33 And then how do these nights normally end after you hang out with a tender, morbidly obese,

Speaker 26 absolutely vomitile, disgusting hookup?

Speaker 88 What is it like afterwards?

Speaker 149 The last one, I just started farting as much as I could so she'd leave.

Speaker 28 I don't like to be mean.

Speaker 108 Right.

Speaker 149 Yeah, but I just get them out.

Speaker 148 You know, post-nut clarity hits a little harder when it's a big girl, so you gotta, you really start working on it. Yes.
A situation to to be handled immediately.

Speaker 55 So do you save these farts early on, starting earlier in the night?

Speaker 53 Are you banking farts, knowing like, this is my exit strategy?

Speaker 19 I wish I was that good.

Speaker 147 No, it was just a, it was a blessing.

Speaker 111 Right.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 125 Right.

Speaker 28 Unbelievable.

Speaker 53 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 26 What else do you do?

Speaker 139 Did I ask you what you do for work?

Speaker 40 No.

Speaker 149 What do you do for work? Right now I do valet.

Speaker 28 Valet?

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 59 Okay. Where at?

Speaker 148 Primarily Fogo de Chow.

Speaker 3 Fogo de Chow.

Speaker 43 Look at that.

Speaker 93 You're meeting bitches at an all-you-can-eat Brazilian buffet.

Speaker 29 Oh, my God.

Speaker 31 You're making money and turning yourself on at the same time.

Speaker 27 No better place to be a valet out there sniffing the seats of these big girls

Speaker 61 before they

Speaker 63 have their...

Speaker 26 Brazilian steak.

Speaker 93 Wow.

Speaker 12 Have you met a chick at Fogo and taken her home before?

Speaker 148 No, I fucked that up.

Speaker 19 How did you fuck that up?

Speaker 148 There was this chick and she was asking me to like take pictures of her, do this, do that. And then she went to like put some in her car, but on the passenger side.

Speaker 148 And she gets on the passenger seat, like puts her knees on the seat so it's just asked a face. And then she goes around to the other side and starts asking me all these questions.
And it's just...

Speaker 33 You think she was giving you an opportunity?

Speaker 148 Oh, she gave me like 10 of them, yeah.

Speaker 83 Wow, yeah. And you just weren't having it.

Speaker 57 You were out on the street.

Speaker 33 She wasn't fat wasn't these normies you're not having it no you now you're at the point to where you can only handle what do you think the minimum weight of a girl that you would want to fuck is now i mean it depends on the height but i'm gonna say 170 175

Speaker 20 okay there's someone clapping for 175 in the back just one fucking half fat chick like yeah I got you.

Speaker 141 Don't listen to him.

Speaker 149 I got you.

Speaker 92 All right.

Speaker 53 Well, fun times, buddy.

Speaker 20 I want to give you a small joke book, but since you're into slightly bigger things, I'm going to give you a medium joke book.

Speaker 12 There he goes. We're keeping it moving.

Speaker 24 Aaron Spaller.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 52 Time for a golden ticket winner, everybody.

Speaker 135 This guy is funny.

Speaker 21 This is a brand new minute from one of the newer golden ticket winners.

Speaker 14 Make some noise for Colin Sledge, everybody.

Speaker 43 Here we go.

Speaker 125 Colin Sledge.

Speaker 125 One more time for Colin's sledge, everyone.

Speaker 136 Thank you.

Speaker 136 I'm on Hinge.

Speaker 136 This girl on Hinge said, Don't even bother messaging me if you're not in therapy.

Speaker 136 So I said, Not only am I in therapy, it is court-ordered.

Speaker 136 I'm not even allowed to own a gun in most states.

Speaker 59 But God bless Texas.

Speaker 136 I tried dating a black girl for the first time.

Speaker 136 I wanted her to like me, you know, but I guess we just weren't super compatible. I remember she asked me, like, do you even know what the G-Spot is?

Speaker 136 I was like,

Speaker 105 that's where the gangsters be hanging out?

Speaker 122 Shit.

Speaker 29 I'd be calling it the OG spot.

Speaker 81 No, I mean, okay.

Speaker 28 Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

Speaker 69 Colin Sledge has done it again.

Speaker 60 Welcome back, Colin.

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 113 Is this true you really hooked up with a black check?

Speaker 136 No, it was a lie.

Speaker 43 Right. I had a feeling.

Speaker 23 I just can't picture it.

Speaker 23 I cannot picture it at all.

Speaker 57 Not you.

Speaker 89 And I can't picture a black woman that would that would hook up with you.

Speaker 83 You seem soft-spoken.

Speaker 136 It's been close once.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 33 How did you blow that?

Speaker 136 Uh I probably just wasn't hot enough.

Speaker 28 You're what?

Speaker 136 I probably wasn't hot enough.

Speaker 118 Oh, geez.

Speaker 58 It was close, though. No, you're a good-looking guy, Colin.

Speaker 113 It's when you start talking that you lose everything.

Speaker 20 I don't think the heat has anything to do with it.

Speaker 136 Yeah, I'm I've noticed noticed I get first dates much easier than second dates.

Speaker 143 Huh.

Speaker 31 What do you normally do on these first dates with girls?

Speaker 136 It varies. Now it's sometimes comedy shows, but not anymore.
But I went to IKEA once. That was fun.

Speaker 107 Wow, you took a girl to IKEA?

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Did you meet her there?

Speaker 136 No, it was a Hinge date.

Speaker 32 Okay, so what does that mean to you exactly as far as did you meet there or did you pick her up?

Speaker 136 We met there.

Speaker 34 Right, so you did meet there.

Speaker 58 We did meet there, yeah.

Speaker 89 Okay, Okay, we went around in a circle there, much like at an IKEA store.

Speaker 136 We met on Hinge, and then we agreed to meet at Ikea. I didn't pick her up.

Speaker 97 So did you eat at the IKEA?

Speaker 103 Do you have the little meatballs?

Speaker 136 I offer to, but she's a vegan, apparently. Oh,

Speaker 112 wow.

Speaker 103 A vegan at an IKEA.

Speaker 136 Yeah, there was no second date, like I said.

Speaker 111 Right.

Speaker 49 Yes.

Speaker 57 Didn't last long, much like the furniture at IKEA.

Speaker 53 They're not a sponsor.

Speaker 82 It's okay.

Speaker 34 Colin, what else has been going on in life?

Speaker 136 I was supposed to go to a vasectomy consultation today, but I came here instead.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 79 Hell yeah.

Speaker 53 You still have literally the strongest nuts out of everyone that's been on the show tonight.

Speaker 136 Yeah, I've noticed.

Speaker 40 You are

Speaker 34 so

Speaker 61 fully ready to go.

Speaker 34 Why are you looking for a vasectomy?

Speaker 136 It was my parents' idea.

Speaker 136 So when I got the golden ticket, my stepmom was like you should consider a vasectomy.

Speaker 33 They think you're swimming in puss now.

Speaker 34 They think yeah

Speaker 37 They're worried which is

Speaker 136 I don't I don't really hook up with strangers even if I you know, I'm I'm shy, you know

Speaker 49 Wow, that's amazing.

Speaker 53 Yeah, you don't even need a vasectomy.

Speaker 136 Well, I mean I get pussy sometimes.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 93 And do you have a problem pulling out when that moment comes, when that final moment comes?

Speaker 136 Oh, I wear a condom, but I don't know.

Speaker 67 Yeah, you don't.

Speaker 90 It's not as good.

Speaker 34 Would you still wear a condom if you got a vasectomy?

Speaker 136 Depends on the person.

Speaker 111 Jeez, Colin.

Speaker 79 I mean, you got to live life.

Speaker 65 I have to call your mom.

Speaker 92 I have to tell her you're doing just fine out here. You're condomed up.
There's nothing.

Speaker 56 I've never even heard of someone that wears a condom getting a vasectomy.

Speaker 57 That's like putting on your seatbelt if you're just sitting in the driveway.

Speaker 133 It's absolutely pointless.

Speaker 136 Well, like STDs, right?

Speaker 107 Sure, but... Sure, but

Speaker 26 it doesn't happen that often. You just pop an antibiotic.

Speaker 77 You'll be right back in no time.

Speaker 136 I'll just be like, don't worry, baby. Tony said I don't need to wear one.

Speaker 28 Don't put it on me.

Speaker 56 Blame it on your mom. Say your mom said.

Speaker 32 So Red Band has something he really wants to say again.

Speaker 58 I was just saying, how adorable would it be if colin and christina went on a date together

Speaker 19 wow there it was red band's last time talking this episode how cool everybody amazing back to the soundboard we go there it is hit the clown horn

Speaker 133 that's the bike horn

Speaker 2 good job red band good job

Speaker 26 Christina, would you ever consider going on a date with Colin?

Speaker 85 I think we would spontaneously combust if we both.

Speaker 107 It is true.

Speaker 59 You're both very shy, very quiet, very nervous.

Speaker 85 Also, I only date black guys.

Speaker 132 Oh, shit.

Speaker 139 Wow.

Speaker 58 Look at that.

Speaker 58 That's what she says when guys like you want to go on a date with her.

Speaker 111 It's incredible.

Speaker 13 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 115 Colin,

Speaker 31 would you ever consider going on a date with Christina?

Speaker 136 I am with someone right now, but if that ever falls through, maybe.

Speaker 21 I love if that ever falls through, maybe.

Speaker 136 She's going to be maybe just maybe.

Speaker 115 All right, Colin.

Speaker 31 Well, fun times.

Speaker 53 You did it again.

Speaker 34 Great set. Great jokes.

Speaker 69 There he goes.

Speaker 18 On to the next one.

Speaker 42 Jif peanut butter. It's that jiffing good.
It doesn't really need advertising. So instead, enjoy the calming sounds of the ocean.

Speaker 42 Chiff.

Speaker 42 It's that chiffing good.

Speaker 143 Get your chiff

Speaker 70 at chiff.com.

Speaker 121 Streaming now on Peacock.

Speaker 118 We sell toilet tissue and local newspapers.

Speaker 39 That is in order of quality.

Speaker 110 From the crew that brought you the office.

Speaker 109 My name is Ned Sampson. I am your new editor-in-chief.

Speaker 33 Comes a new comedy series.

Speaker 67 Have you read this paper? Uh-huh. It sucks.

Speaker 39 But we are going to make it better.

Speaker 90 Meet the underdog journalists.

Speaker 39 I hope it's not too disruptive to have me shake everything off.

Speaker 32 Don't be so self-defecating.

Speaker 58 With major issues.

Speaker 127 Oscar. Oh, God.

Speaker 136 Not again. The paper.

Speaker 4 Only on Peacock.

Speaker 121 Streaming now.

Speaker 58 All right.

Speaker 27 Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 130 Is a former employee here at Vulcan.

Speaker 27 We know this guy.

Speaker 29 He was once in a weight loss competition with another human.

Speaker 22 Make some noise for Trey Pack, everyone.

Speaker 29 Trey Pack.

Speaker 59 It's Trey Pack.

Speaker 16 When you go back to back, it's Trey Pack.

Speaker 65 Here comes Trey.

Speaker 11 What do you say?

Speaker 58 Hey, he's back.

Speaker 104 It's Trey Pack.

Speaker 112 Trey Pack.

Speaker 43 Oh, there he goes.

Speaker 111 Trey Pack.

Speaker 110 Oh, how are we doing? Good to see you guys, man. Y'all had this girl tell me to come on her C-section scar?

Speaker 110 yeah I don't have a joke I just want to talk to somebody about it dude it was my wife you freaks it was my wife man my wife's a dirty bitch dude that's my baby man

Speaker 110 my wife likes to choke me in bed any other creeps are you like getting choked in bed hell yeah dude with that haircut it looks like this whole table choked you in the uber on the way over here dog what's going on Don't be ashamed.

Speaker 110 Listen, my wife chokes me in bed every single night. Yeah, she waits for me to fall asleep and she unplugs my CPAP machine.

Speaker 110 That's my baby, dude.

Speaker 110 I also get that half of y'all aren't convinced I'm not jelly roll. I'm not.
That's so everybody knows.

Speaker 110 I'm married a whore, just not that one, dude.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I'm not. It's not me.

Speaker 110 I'm not married either. That's crazy.

Speaker 110 Guys, I've been trade back. Thank you so much.

Speaker 58 Boom, trade pack.

Speaker 11 Been doing it for years.

Speaker 17 Been on this Vulcan stage numerous times.

Speaker 26 Worked here, been on the show.

Speaker 31 Weight loss competition.

Speaker 101 I believe you gained weight during the week.

Speaker 127 Sam Hunter gained.

Speaker 110 I lost, but we were all fat. We all look the same.

Speaker 119 Yeah, you look.

Speaker 110 People think I'm David Lucas every day.

Speaker 57 It's crazy. I love it.

Speaker 91 Absolutely.

Speaker 135 So, Trey, update us.

Speaker 31 It's been a while since you've been on the show.

Speaker 20 What's going on in life?

Speaker 116 Man, life's good, man.

Speaker 110 I'm not married.

Speaker 28 I'm a barber.

Speaker 110 That's what I do full-time now.

Speaker 127 Life's good.

Speaker 110 Just trying to make a fucking dream come true every day.

Speaker 34 Okay, how's that going? How's the good?

Speaker 110 It's good, good man i i just got to do the comedy store i got to run into you there that was super cool nice yeah been doing the roast battle thing it's been good man it's been very good yep amazing tray uh i love it any new hobbies or anything the non-comedy related no just drinking and doing drugs and fucking girls dude that's what kind of what kind of drugs are we talking about oh i'm on that cocaine bro really yeah man holy shit

Speaker 110 Listen, I don't even like doing drugs. It's just you do the mullet, cocaine appears in your pocket.
It's crazy.

Speaker 117 Tell us about your love of cocaine.

Speaker 59 I don't really, I've never, I've never tried it.

Speaker 103 I get it. I get it.

Speaker 33 It makes you feel a little like.

Speaker 110 Well, have you ever just felt like the best feeling you've ever felt? Have you ever hit a home run, you score a touchdown?

Speaker 110 Imagine hitting a ball and scoring a touchdown and fucking the girl you've always wanted to fuck, and then immediately after just feeling the worst dredge you've ever felt in your entire life.

Speaker 110 For an hour. You get 20 minutes of the most amazing feeling, and then it's awful for five hours.

Speaker 78 Huh.

Speaker 28 How often do you do this?

Speaker 110 I've been trying to quit for a while. It's kind of hard.
I get it mixed up with powdered sugar every day.

Speaker 127 But

Speaker 110 I used to, once a week or so, used to be, especially back in the day, yeah.

Speaker 38 It was fun. How do you afford it?

Speaker 127 I cut a whole bunch of hair, dude. I'm a hell of a barber.

Speaker 58 Holy shit. Yeah, man.
Incredible.

Speaker 54 Do you only, do you cut anybody's hair that we know?

Speaker 110 I got a lot of guys in the shop. Mike Mike Gonzalez comes by our shop.

Speaker 69 Oh, Michael Gonzalez.

Speaker 3 That's why he wears a hat all the time.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 13 That's why.

Speaker 52 Amazing.

Speaker 110 Now, Uncle Lazer comes by the shop. A lot of guys here in town.

Speaker 3 Oh, I can see.

Speaker 122 Does Uncle Laser come by for haircuts or for that fucking sweet booger sugar that you're kicking out over there?

Speaker 110 I mean, listen, we're going to get done what needs to get done.

Speaker 58 You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 127 Rock that haircut out in 10 minutes.

Speaker 110 We cut each other's hair the entire time.

Speaker 58 I bet.

Speaker 79 I bet.

Speaker 61 You two little fucking field rats out there.

Speaker 113 Little snifflers.

Speaker 16 Trey, you're doing good.

Speaker 20 Where do you work now?

Speaker 110 I work at Beard Brand Barbershop. And then I picked up a shift here tonight.
I heard Kiltoni was coming back. I fucking miss it here, man.
So I wanted to come hang out, man.

Speaker 65 I love it.

Speaker 58 Well, we're happy you did.

Speaker 14 You already have a big joke book, right?

Speaker 33 Is it filled yet?

Speaker 72 I'm sure it is, yeah.

Speaker 20 Here you go. Here's a new one.

Speaker 3 Boom.

Speaker 135 Oh, shit. Very good catch.

Speaker 11 Trey, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 105 Yes, sir.

Speaker 90 absolutely. Thank you.

Speaker 71 Trey Pack, join the secret show.

Speaker 71 Boom.

Speaker 19 On to the next one.

Speaker 130 Your next bucket pull, also inside.

Speaker 22 Make some noise.

Speaker 59 We're gonna keep it moving along for Tatum Raleigh, everybody.

Speaker 58 Tatum Rayleigh.

Speaker 70 Yeah,

Speaker 59 Tatum Rayleigh.

Speaker 61 Here

Speaker 40 we go.

Speaker 61 Tatum Rayleigh.

Speaker 64 We have movement

Speaker 64 Tatum Rayleigh.

Speaker 64 Okay,

Speaker 64 your next bucket pull is Alex James from the inside

Speaker 64 First Colt.

Speaker 64 Alex James!

Speaker 39 I have an English degree from a state school, so it's safe to say that I make more money from doing comedy.

Speaker 39 Fuck, I am soaking wet now. I'm butchering everything.
All right, my girlfriend's 20 years older than me, and she's my former math professor, which worked out great because my math is shit.

Speaker 39 And it's interesting dating an older woman because the first time that we slept together, I felt like I was taking her virginity. So I asked her about it.

Speaker 41 She said, all C-sections.

Speaker 39 And let me tell you, that pussy was roped off like a museum exhibit. No kids had passed through there messing things up.
Nothing had been touched in years.

Speaker 39 And most importantly, students get in for free.

Speaker 39 And that tight pussy kind of made up for those three kids because they were loose as fuck.

Speaker 129 Ah, a homeless guy asked me for a dollar.

Speaker 39 I said, I have $50,000 in student loan debt in a useless degree.

Speaker 141 Do you have a dollar?

Speaker 39 I'm 30 and I still live at home with my mom. And it's weird living at home because I'm one argument away from being homeless.
But on the other hand, I'm one stroke away from becoming a homeowner.

Speaker 93 All right.

Speaker 39 I'm Alex James.

Speaker 90 Thank you guys.

Speaker 3 Okay, Alex James, moving fast.

Speaker 58 Just rattling them off there.

Speaker 20 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 39 On and off for two years, but taking it seriously within the last six months.

Speaker 93 Six months? Yes.

Speaker 129 Super seriously?

Speaker 102 Pretty serious. Yes, sir.

Speaker 107 You're trying your hardest?

Speaker 4 I am trying my hardest.

Speaker 28 What are you doing? What are you doing to do that?

Speaker 39 Primarily just like hitting as many mics as I can. And I'm from Boston, so every time we come out here, we can honestly get like

Speaker 39 six months' worth of mics in and like, you know, a week or two. So it really helps.
Right.

Speaker 77 Yes. And you've been here?

Speaker 28 How long have you been here?

Speaker 39 We just got, oh, we just came for a trip on Saturday. So this is very surreal because we were going to leave today, but we found out about the show, you know, so we decided to stick around.

Speaker 33 You were here with another comedian?

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 39 She's here as well.

Speaker 37 Okay, got it.

Speaker 107 So let's talk about it, Alex, because that was awful.

Speaker 33 So when you say you could do six months' worth of Boston open mics in one week here,

Speaker 55 how many open mics are you doing per week in Boston?

Speaker 39 Well, my girlfriend will do like three to four, but I admittedly will really only do one.

Speaker 20 You and your girlfriend are both comedians.

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 32 And she's here.

Speaker 126 Yes. What's her name?

Speaker 26 Jenny Fitz.

Speaker 77 What is it?

Speaker 39 Jenny Fitz. Jenny what? Fitzgerald.

Speaker 34 Jenny Fitz.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 31 This is one of those situations where I'm 100% positive that the girl is more funny than the guy.

Speaker 93 Ladies and gentlemen, you stay up here, Alex.

Speaker 22 I want you to stand here while your girlfriend buries your legacy.

Speaker 50 Make some noise.

Speaker 64 This is 60 seconds from Jenny Fitz.

Speaker 17 Oh, this is so exciting.

Speaker 71 This is how breakups happen, everybody.

Speaker 9 It's a long trip back to Boston after you're funnier than your boyfriend.

Speaker 16 Oh, yeah, she's got this.

Speaker 9 Don't put the mic back in the mic stand. Fuck it.
And she's got this.

Speaker 10 Hold her shit, you fing.

Speaker 151 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jenny Fitz.

Speaker 84 I feel like open mics are a lot like middle-aged sex. They last three to six minutes, and if you go all six, you're probably trying out some new stuff.

Speaker 84 I got divorced a couple years ago, and I started dating a guy 20 years younger than I am.

Speaker 84 You guys, when he first brought up birth control, I was like, oh my God, he thinks I still have a period.

Speaker 84 That is so flattering.

Speaker 84 But I can't have any more kids. I have three kids.

Speaker 120 I have three kids.

Speaker 84 And

Speaker 84 being a parent as a Gen Xer, it's kind of tough because we weren't really parented. I realized I was ordering out too much when Uber Eats figured out my custody schedule.

Speaker 84 And

Speaker 84 I'm totally spacing right now, which has never happened to me before, but I do have one last question. Oh, no, you know, can I do my shit? Sure.

Speaker 58 Okay, cool.

Speaker 60 All right.

Speaker 84 We were caught in the rain. Okay, so the world is so politically correct now.

Speaker 84 I'm afraid that my kids are going to say some racist shit like by accident, because the other day one of my kids said to me,

Speaker 84 I used to be friends with this Indian girl on the bus, but I'm not friends with her anymore. Not just because she's Indian, just because she doesn't ride that bus anymore.

Speaker 84 I said, buddy, I don't think you meant that first just.

Speaker 84 Okay, we're not racist. If anybody's racist, it's the school.
They're the ones who put her on a different bus.

Speaker 58 Okay, that was it.

Speaker 5 All right. We were in the rain.

Speaker 101 Did he write that last one for you?

Speaker 69 You would think.

Speaker 18 Even he's laughing at how unfunny he is.

Speaker 28 Unbelievable.

Speaker 136 Are you not still so?

Speaker 115 I love it. Welcome, Jenny.

Speaker 58 How are you?

Speaker 30 I am

Speaker 45 wet from the rain.

Speaker 107 Oh, okay. Yeah, we were.

Speaker 33 I was going to say, you seem like you'd have an incredibly dry pussy.

Speaker 16 We just heard your boyfriend's act, and I'm pretty sure everyone's got a little say in between their legs right now.

Speaker 20 All right, Jenny, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 21 Two years.

Speaker 3 Two years. How long have you been with

Speaker 130 your boyfriend?

Speaker 84 Alex,

Speaker 84 five years?

Speaker 107 Five years.

Speaker 103 What was it about this young man that turned that made you interested?

Speaker 84 I had just gotten like separated from my husband and I was

Speaker 84 in that kind of a mirror. Like I didn't have, I was in a sexless marriage for like 20 years.
Yeah.

Speaker 84 But I thought he was pretty hot.

Speaker 84 And

Speaker 84 I

Speaker 84 he was my student, but he wasn't anymore.

Speaker 26 Wait, what kind of student was he?

Speaker 61 Here we go.

Speaker 111 And we've hit,

Speaker 15 we've hit

Speaker 72 black gold, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 51 Yeah, no, you did it, you did.

Speaker 101 My milkshake is larger than your milkshake.

Speaker 30 What? I was lonely.

Speaker 84 Okay, so, right. So,

Speaker 113 you were teaching at college.

Speaker 112 Yeah, and you took one of my classes.

Speaker 131 Oh, my God.

Speaker 32 What class was it?

Speaker 84 Quantitative reasoning.

Speaker 58 Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 You know about that?

Speaker 84 I'm a math professor, yeah. So,

Speaker 84 that's so, that's my day job. But, yeah, so, um,

Speaker 84 okay,

Speaker 104 I

Speaker 84 looked up his text his cell phone number in the system, and I texted him, and I asked him if he thought he, like, wanted any help with the math class that he was taking the next semester.

Speaker 84 And he said, well, I hired a tutor who costs $100 an hour, and I'm meeting with her on Friday, and I said, I texted him, well, fire her because I can guarantee you I'll be better than any tutor you've ever had.

Speaker 111 Wow.

Speaker 50 This is amazing.

Speaker 18 I wish I looked better.

Speaker 74 I was caught in the rain.

Speaker 84 I usually look better than this because I'm 50. I normally don't.

Speaker 58 Oh, you're good.

Speaker 125 You're good, lady.

Speaker 15 You're good.

Speaker 31 This guy still has his fucking notes over here.

Speaker 97 What are you, what are you handing?

Speaker 20 What is going on over here?

Speaker 139 Dude, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 32 We're talking to this cool ass fucking flirty college professor over here.

Speaker 56 Okay, so hold on a second.

Speaker 123 First question. Yep.

Speaker 33 How recently were you separated from your husband when you launched this message?

Speaker 57 Just a ballpark.

Speaker 107 Six months, year, two years?

Speaker 40 Three weeks?

Speaker 26 Three weeks.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 107 Second question.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 131 Had you ever, out of your entire history being a college professor, you could be honest here.

Speaker 84 I never did it before, if that's what you're asking.

Speaker 31 You never messaged any other student ever?

Speaker 84 No. As a matter of fact, I don't even...
remember thinking he was attractive when he took my class.

Speaker 84 I just remembered that we would chat and like he had a really nice personality and he was older than the other students.

Speaker 84 He was, you know, because he was like a fuck up and you know, and he went back to college later. And I'm sorry.

Speaker 52 I shouldn't have said that.

Speaker 67 I shouldn't have said that.

Speaker 69 Amazing.

Speaker 57 So there you are.

Speaker 66 And how long?

Speaker 84 I was 45 and he was 26.

Speaker 101 Okay.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 131 Incredible.

Speaker 131 So

Speaker 54 where did the tutoring happen?

Speaker 58 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 84 So I did go over on Friday.

Speaker 33 You went to his place?

Speaker 84 Yeah, I went to his place. I already knew that he lived alone and stuff like that.

Speaker 84 How did you know that? Because when I would chat with him, I would ask him questions like, so

Speaker 60 you live alone?

Speaker 60 Wow.

Speaker 77 Spoken like a true math professor.

Speaker 84 I apologize for introduction.

Speaker 84 One time I literally asked him if he had a girlfriend. I was collecting information, but that was kind of toward the end of the course.
And so I just waited. Because in the handbook, it says we can't

Speaker 84 fuck our students unless the course is over. Yes.

Speaker 92 That's in everyone's handbook, by the way.

Speaker 88 It's not just any specific college or that's every job.

Speaker 84 I had never done it before. I swear to God.

Speaker 77 It's cool. It's cool.
I hadn't.

Speaker 20 You're not going to get in trouble now. You're good.

Speaker 92 No, I have tenure.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Perfect.

Speaker 19 You have a 10-year. You have a 20-year difference.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 126 So.

Speaker 5 There you are.

Speaker 26 You're at his place.

Speaker 113 Was there any actual tutoring?

Speaker 58 Did you guys crack the books?

Speaker 84 yeah because you know i didn't want to make it obvious

Speaker 84 no i yeah i did i just like did some math with him and then um how long we talking 20 40 minutes yeah i want to say 20.

Speaker 65 less oh

Speaker 140 look at old pim daddy over here going away

Speaker 134 she couldn't resist

Speaker 53 Wow, okay, so about 15 minutes goes by and then what happens?

Speaker 84 He says, he was like, I'm going to roll a joint. And I was like, that sounds good.

Speaker 84 I remember one time I joked around with him about swinging by after work. Okay, is that the other thing? Is he said, you probably, where do you live?

Speaker 84 And, oh, you must drive right by my house on your way to work. So I heard, like, I knew where he lived and stuff.
So he was, so I was like, oh, you got any beer in the fridge? And he's like, yeah.

Speaker 84 So I was like, yeah, do you like, I'll grab a beer. And we sat on the couch.
We smoked the joint. Okay.
And then

Speaker 84 I, I think I like, I reached over and I like put my hand on.

Speaker 58 Yeah. Oh, I really.
Shit.

Speaker 32 That the old, is this okay?

Speaker 120 Yeah, because like you're supposed to ask for forget.

Speaker 82 There it is.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 32 And then you said, yes, that is okay.

Speaker 92 And then.

Speaker 58 Oh, oh, I know.

Speaker 84 It was, that was like make or break moment because I was like, if he's a bad kisser, then I'm out of here and I'm never going to talk to this guy again. Right.

Speaker 84 But he was a great kisser, so more stuff happened.

Speaker 53 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 52 You guys had sex that first? No.

Speaker 13 Me, sucky,

Speaker 13 No, we didn't. You didn't?

Speaker 84 I made him wait like almost a month. Well, because I just, I had only been with one man, other man, in 25 years.
So I just assumed that whoever I had sex with would give me like herpes or AIDS.

Speaker 84 So I was like, I can't do that. And so after a month, I mean, we fooled around, but like, that was all.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 117 Incredible. I think this is like every college kid's fantasy, right? Is that the nerdy math professor lady kind of fucking

Speaker 117 says, I'll be the best tutor you've ever had.

Speaker 130 Yeah.

Speaker 89 And then the old touch of beer and a joint.

Speaker 49 I mean, that's wild. Oh, it was super hot.

Speaker 32 So now you guys have been together for five years.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 32 And you still live in Boston. Yeah.

Speaker 113 And are you still a college professor?

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 53 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 61 I love it.

Speaker 33 And what have you done?

Speaker 103 Did you get a degree? I did.

Speaker 32 Okay, well, so what do you want?

Speaker 107 What do you do for work?

Speaker 4 Talking to the mic?

Speaker 39 I'm essentially like her au pair.

Speaker 40 So

Speaker 39 I take care of her kids.

Speaker 120 How old are you?

Speaker 33 Oh, Christina Mariani.

Speaker 85 So you're bad at math?

Speaker 3 How old are the kids?

Speaker 84 My oldest is 16, and my twins are 12. They're all boys.

Speaker 59 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 59 Incredible.

Speaker 113 Are you aware that your ex-husband has low testosterone?

Speaker 84 He's, yeah, he's got something going on that's wrong, but I don't know what it is.

Speaker 136 You know about this?

Speaker 117 David Lucas, what are you going to say?

Speaker 73 I'm just curious, like, from the time you last fucked your ex-husband to the time you fucked him, how long was that?

Speaker 84 I don't know, like a year and a half.

Speaker 40 Or maybe, I don't know.

Speaker 84 It was so long I couldn't remember.

Speaker 3 From my math, it was

Speaker 55 seven weeks.

Speaker 77 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 55 Three weeks after.

Speaker 84 No, I thought you meant three weeks after we, like, I like moved out.

Speaker 111 Oh, okay.

Speaker 84 Yeah, but I, I don't know, maybe we hadn't had to do that.

Speaker 138 And what did your ex-husband do for a living?

Speaker 84 He manages towns, a town.

Speaker 137 A town?

Speaker 72 The mayor?

Speaker 51 Well,

Speaker 117 is that the mayor, bitch?

Speaker 28 Oh.

Speaker 71 He manages a town. What type of shit is this?

Speaker 84 Well, it's the, it's in. Towns don't have mayors.

Speaker 119 They have town managers.

Speaker 71 Where the fuck do you live? Scotland?

Speaker 40 Where the fuck?

Speaker 71 I haven't been to a town ever.

Speaker 84 You've never been to a town?

Speaker 84 It's just not a city. It has fewer people generally.

Speaker 71 Y'all niggas don't even live in America, probably.

Speaker 58 No, it just locality.

Speaker 101 This doesn't even seem real. I don't even know if this is real.

Speaker 84 No, yeah, he's hired, not elected, but yeah, he just runs the town.

Speaker 130 What's the town called?

Speaker 91 I would prefer not to talk about Louisville.

Speaker 69 No,

Speaker 58 let's not call out a whole town on this show.

Speaker 100 Tony, there's only 1,200 people.

Speaker 137 What's the difference between a town and a city, math or town?

Speaker 84 Usually it's population, but the form of government is different. They don't elect a mayor.
They elect a board who hires somebody to manage the town.

Speaker 138 So your ex was on that bullshit, so you needed that new new.

Speaker 29 I don't think a math professor understands your lingo.

Speaker 84 I literally have no idea what he just

Speaker 119 was a variable and you needed

Speaker 7 a whole number.

Speaker 77 Ah, yes.

Speaker 24 That's very true. Yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 138 Is that what it is?

Speaker 84 I feel seen right now.

Speaker 13 Yes, you are correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 104 Yeah, he's...

Speaker 84 Yeah, it was crazy, though. And he's going to be so pissed if he ever sees this.

Speaker 71 He will. I'm going to send it to him.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many towns are in Boston?

Speaker 84 In Massachusetts, I

Speaker 60 can we not talk about him anymore?

Speaker 52 He's gonna find out about that.

Speaker 84 I know, and he's gonna be really fucking pissed that he kept kids for an extra night.

Speaker 48 He's gonna keep y'all's kids.

Speaker 84 That's yeah, he's gonna be really fucking pissed that he kids.

Speaker 137 We're gonna see this bitch on the news in three months.

Speaker 51 Probably, probably.

Speaker 13 This is gonna be the last straw.

Speaker 18 This will send him over the edge.

Speaker 101 R.I.P. ahead of time.

Speaker 18 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 62 Made by the great people over at ghostpatch.com.

Speaker 26 They made made us these unbelievable torpedoes that say I bombed on Kill Tony.

Speaker 61 It's a very special, it's a level below a little jokebook.

Speaker 29 And

Speaker 19 Alex, congratulations, you're getting one of those.

Speaker 116 And you,

Speaker 32 sweet professor, leaving with a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 131 Congratulations.

Speaker 24 You are indeed the funny one in the couple. Not by much,

Speaker 15 but shockingly funnier than her babysitter fuckboy, Alex James.

Speaker 21 That was Jenny Fitz and Alex James.

Speaker 64 There they go.

Speaker 22 One of the nerdiest couples I've ever seen in my entire life.

Speaker 18 Answering the question, what would it be like if Colin Sletch and Christina Mariani dated?

Speaker 34 Oh, there she is, the lovely Heidi.

Speaker 140 Look at her with her little black tie on.

Speaker 81 How sweet.

Speaker 152 Prime delivery is fast. How fast are we talking?

Speaker 152 We're talking puzzle toys and lip pad delivered so fast you can get this puppy under control fast. We're talking chew toys at your door without really waiting fast.

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Speaker 152 And now we can all relax and order these matching hoodies to get cozy and cute fast. Fast-free delivery.

Speaker 84 It's on Prime.

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Speaker 40 All right, I believe they wrangled the bucket pool.

Speaker 23 Time for the next one.

Speaker 123 Make some noise for Tatum Raleigh, everybody.

Speaker 58 Tatum Raleigh, is that right?

Speaker 59 Tatum Raleigh.

Speaker 12 Again, there she is. Tatum Raleigh, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 85 My marriage is on the rocks.

Speaker 85 The other day, I saw what no good wife should see.

Speaker 85 I walked in on my husband.

Speaker 45 Excuse me.

Speaker 85 I walked in on my husband wiping his ass

Speaker 85 and that motherfucker was standing up.

Speaker 60 Why?

Speaker 85 I don't know. How long has he been doing that? Is that why there's fucking keister kibble all on the toilet seat?

Speaker 85 I've been trying to solve that riddle for six years.

Speaker 85 And you want to know the fucked-up part? Someone had to have taught him how to do that. No, I saw that form.
That form was passed down from generations.

Speaker 85 He must come from a long line of fucking fecal flickers

Speaker 85 who care about no one but themselves, leaving their cracked crumbs for the rest of us

Speaker 85 to deal with the crafter math, if you will.

Speaker 85 And you don't know hell until you sat on a toilet at 3 a.m. and thought, did somebody go to the fucking beach?

Speaker 47 Whose goddamn sand is this?

Speaker 85 Thank you. My name's Tatum.

Speaker 7 Tatum Raleigh.

Speaker 77 Holy shit.

Speaker 91 Red Band, I didn't realize you were writing for bucketfuls nowadays. That's all poop jokes.
That's a minute of poop jokes.

Speaker 97 I will say, I've done many surveys about this exact same thing, and it's usually 50% do stand up while wiping their ass.

Speaker 85 Does it cause the fucking keister kibble?

Speaker 96 No, I have never heard of that.

Speaker 55 When you say that,

Speaker 23 what does that mean?

Speaker 102 Where's the poop going?

Speaker 85 When you wipe it, you know the toilet paper has like crumbs, right? Uh-huh. So if you're sitting down like a normal fucking person,

Speaker 85 it should go directly into the toilet bowl, right? But if you're standing up like my man is, you're fucking flicking that shit for everybody. And it gets everywhere.

Speaker 93 Christina Mariani.

Speaker 85 Why are you watching him wipe his ass?

Speaker 3 That is.

Speaker 85 I walked in on it.

Speaker 60 It was an accident.

Speaker 85 I couldn't look away, though. Oh, yeah.
Because by the time I noticed, he still had the toilet paper in his hands. And there was shit on it.

Speaker 85 So I just backed out like one of them penguins from Madagascar.

Speaker 85 And I didn't talk to him for two weeks. But you guys are good now? No.
Oh.

Speaker 26 David Lucas.

Speaker 137 Hey, can you turn around and show me how he wipe again?

Speaker 16 Wait, stop it. David.

Speaker 3 David.

Speaker 77 That's all.

Speaker 105 It's a bit. Hey, baby, I wipe sitting.

Speaker 101 I'm like hot as fuck, right?

Speaker 71 Well, actually, I got a bidet.

Speaker 72 I don't gotta wipe.

Speaker 153 Oh, nice.

Speaker 85 Well, I'm not Chinese. What do you want me to do with that?

Speaker 101 This bitch stupid.

Speaker 19 Tatum, welcome to the show.

Speaker 20 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 85 Two and a half years.

Speaker 74 Two and a half years. Where at?

Speaker 85 All around. I live in the Houston area, so around there and around here, too.

Speaker 115 Awesome.

Speaker 34 Do you have a day job?

Speaker 85 I'm a mom.

Speaker 34 Oh, sweet. How many kids do you have?

Speaker 85 One. She's five.

Speaker 104 One five-year-old girl.

Speaker 13 What's that like?

Speaker 104 Hell.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Don't do it.

Speaker 85 Strep throat, if you fuck on it and you're on antibiotics, it'll give you a baby because the antibiotics cancel out your birth control. So don't fuck on strep throat.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 53 Christina Mariani.

Speaker 85 Can she wipe her ass?

Speaker 149 No.

Speaker 85 Is your husband teaching her?

Speaker 78 Yes.

Speaker 82 This is insanity.

Speaker 91 What's happening here?

Speaker 102 It's a whole two-thirds of the family can't wipe their ass properly.

Speaker 85 Hey, but I can.

Speaker 90 Good job. Thank you.

Speaker 15 Good job, Tatum.

Speaker 65 I love it. Okay.

Speaker 101 What else do you normally talk about?

Speaker 34 Because that was a minute of your husband wiping his ass jokes.

Speaker 59 What type of material?

Speaker 85 By kids, I got married to a man that I met on Tinder 14 days prior.

Speaker 104 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 85 I was drunk.

Speaker 143 Uh-huh.

Speaker 85 I want to tell you I felt like a tingle in my heart or my pussy, but that was bullshit. Right.
Have you ever heard of twisted tea?

Speaker 51 Uh-huh.

Speaker 85 It was 13 of those.

Speaker 108 Oh my God.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 91 Do you still drink a lot?

Speaker 85 Not at all.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 107 Thank you. What do you do to

Speaker 117 what are like hobbies of yours?

Speaker 82 Anything fun?

Speaker 85 Comedy and being a mom pretty much takes up most of my time.

Speaker 60 I love it.

Speaker 69 And cleaning up butt dust, I guess.

Speaker 50 Butt dust?

Speaker 26 This is a real.

Speaker 23 Your bathroom's a disaster.

Speaker 32 It really is.

Speaker 85 Fucking war zone.

Speaker 61 Frightening.

Speaker 117 So the husband isn't the father of the kid?

Speaker 85 He is. I got pregnant two months after I married him drunkenly at 19.

Speaker 153 Oh my god.

Speaker 85 Yeah, I'm only 25.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 85 Ages you to have a kid.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 3 And what does he do?

Speaker 85 He's a CWI and a QAQC. It's a certified welding inspector, and he works in the quality control.

Speaker 58 Oilfield. Oilfield.

Speaker 43 Very good. There you go.

Speaker 108 Unbelievable.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 31 And does that mean he's gone for months at a time?

Speaker 20 And then

Speaker 85 he works from home. He travels like two weeks out of a year, maybe.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 107 There it is.

Speaker 32 Butt dust. Yep.

Speaker 107 All right, Taylor.

Speaker 130 Well, Tatum.

Speaker 153 Close enough. There you go.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 58 You know what?

Speaker 129 Do you ever skateboard?

Speaker 153 I have.

Speaker 59 You have skateboarded? Yeah.

Speaker 111 Okay.

Speaker 120 We have a Kill Tony skateboard.

Speaker 50 Colt makes these.

Speaker 31 And he puts it up here just in case somebody skateboards.

Speaker 31 I find that your charisma is better than a small jokebook, but the jokes weren't quite good enough for a big jokebook.

Speaker 50 So you're leaving here with the first ever Kill Tony skateboard.

Speaker 77 Look at that.

Speaker 120 That's fair.

Speaker 53 Not bad enough for the torpedo.

Speaker 53 Not unlikable enough for a small joke book.

Speaker 35 But only talked about butt dust.

Speaker 61 Alright.

Speaker 20 Are we having fun out there tonight?

Speaker 123 Back to the Bucket Wego. Make some noise for Cameron Illig, everybody.

Speaker 92 Cameron Illig is next on Kill Tony.

Speaker 2 The number one live podcast in the world.

Speaker 21 Oh, we know Cameron.

Speaker 16 This is Cam Patterson's friend, Cam Illick.

Speaker 109 My girlfriend's mad at me because she said, hypothetically, if we had a daughter and our daughter started OnlyFans, would you be upset about that? And I said, yes, I would. And then she yelled at me.

Speaker 109 She said, that's because you're not progressive for women. And I said, listen, bitch.

Speaker 109 It's the opposite. I'm the progressive one.
You think our daughter is only good for her big tits.

Speaker 109 I think my daughter could be whatever she wants to be. My daughter could dream.

Speaker 15 My daughter could be a lawyer.

Speaker 109 My daughter could be a pilot for spirit. My daughter.

Speaker 109 My daughter could be a surgeon, not mine, but somebody's.

Speaker 109 You know, I have big hopes for her, you know?

Speaker 109 And I just think it's weird because your daughter is 50% you. So if your daughter has an OnlyFans, then it's like, this is not how I wanted to start a family business.

Speaker 80 That's not what I wanted to do.

Speaker 87 But your daughter's...

Speaker 109 That's why I think it's okay if your son has an OnlyFans. I would be fine with that.
If my my son had an OnlyFans, that's okay. Because if my son can sell our penis,

Speaker 109 Godspeed, brother.

Speaker 109 I have been trying to give this thing away for free my whole life.

Speaker 109 How did you figure this out?

Speaker 111 All right, thank you.

Speaker 12 Cameron Illig.

Speaker 11 We know him well.

Speaker 113 Famously moved here from Orlando, Florida with his best pal, Cam Patterson, years ago, two years or so, right?

Speaker 109 About two years, two and a half.

Speaker 33 Yep.

Speaker 20 So how's life going for you? Jokes are good.

Speaker 34 Comedy's good.

Speaker 109 Graduated.

Speaker 19 Graduated from college?

Speaker 130 Yes.

Speaker 131 You fuck your math tutor.

Speaker 22 I fucked my math tutor.

Speaker 109 I have a thing for Asians.

Speaker 5 What did you get a degree in?

Speaker 15 In data analytics.

Speaker 59 What?

Speaker 15 It's some bullshit. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 25 Clearly not English.

Speaker 87 It's what computers do.

Speaker 109 Oh, I said data analytics.

Speaker 28 There you go. Okay.

Speaker 32 Sorry, not bad. It was fast.
Data analytics. Data analytics.

Speaker 109 I've been hanging out with with Cam too long. It comes out.
Right.

Speaker 58 Daddy Analytics.

Speaker 92 He hasn't been able to find his data in a long time.

Speaker 29 No, I'm kidding. We all know his dad.

Speaker 109 He's an easy guy to find.

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 34 He's always there.

Speaker 93 Cam, tell us more.

Speaker 20 What's going on in your life?

Speaker 109 I don't know. I'm trying to be cooler.

Speaker 58 Yeah, that ain't happening. Yeah.

Speaker 58 I know.

Speaker 109 I have one look. It's not cool.
It's not nerd, but it's not cool, which sucks.

Speaker 79 You look like every backup college quarterback.

Speaker 22 The quarterback takes a rough hit.

Speaker 135 You see this guy starting to toss the ball around on the sideline like, oh, boy.

Speaker 3 We have not seen Cameron Illig in a game.

Speaker 25 This is going to be his first time taking snaps on the field.

Speaker 20 He is a four-star high school recruit out of a town with no mayor, only a manager.

Speaker 61 And here he is, also known as the butt-dust assassin.

Speaker 19 He's coming in. He famously lost a testicle at one point.

Speaker 94 And

Speaker 58 no. Oh, God.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 48 Did you play sports growing up?

Speaker 109 I did. I played soccer and baseball.
Right. Yeah, I tried to play football, and then I only wanted to play kicker, and they said, if you only play kicker, you're a f ⁇ .

Speaker 15 So you can't play kicker.

Speaker 109 They wanted me to play a different position. I was like, no, I don't want to get hurt.

Speaker 81 Right.

Speaker 108 Don't want to get hurt.

Speaker 136 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 92 How about now in life, Cameron?

Speaker 56 How's life going? What's your love life like?

Speaker 34 You seem like the kind of comedian that would make a joke about having sex with a black woman that actually hasn't.

Speaker 20 Have you ever been with a black woman?

Speaker 3 Of course.

Speaker 109 Really? Of course not. You didn't let me finish.

Speaker 58 Right.

Speaker 48 But do you have a joke about hooking up with a black woman?

Speaker 109 Do I? No. No, I have black roommate jokes.

Speaker 59 Of course.

Speaker 119 But

Speaker 109 no, no black, no black.

Speaker 59 How about normal, nor regular old, what's your dating life like?

Speaker 116 I have a girlfriend.

Speaker 77 You have a girlfriend. How long have you been with her?

Speaker 118 Two years now. What does she do?

Speaker 109 Well, now she's in England. She just serves bartenders.

Speaker 81 In England? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 25 Your girlfriend is in England?

Speaker 87 Yeah, she goes to a different country.

Speaker 60 Uh-huh.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 89 How long has she been in England, bro?

Speaker 19 You know, if I say bro at the end of the question, it's not good.

Speaker 20 This imaginary girlfriend of yours.

Speaker 109 It's been about six months. She's pregnant and I've

Speaker 58 you're kidding. Yes, right.

Speaker 111 Okay. Yes.

Speaker 52 But it has been six months?

Speaker 109 Well, there's been like she's been here for like two months at a time type of thing.

Speaker 116 What do you mean? I went over there.

Speaker 58 What do you mean?

Speaker 109 Because you have to, you just can visit. You can't stay there forever.
You can stay for like three months, I think.

Speaker 118 So she goes, she's an American?

Speaker 109 Yeah. No, no, she's English.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 56 And so when's the last time you saw her?

Speaker 39 Uh

Speaker 109 March.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 107 How often do you guys talk every day?

Speaker 147 I'm gonna cry.

Speaker 91 Yeah, I know. This is sad.

Speaker 20 I think we're all gonna cry because we're realizing that your girlfriend's getting dicked down by some fucking

Speaker 61 London is broiled right now.

Speaker 13 David Lucas.

Speaker 72 What bar does she work at in England?

Speaker 119 I don't fucking know.

Speaker 71 Because I go there in two weeks.

Speaker 138 I want to fuck her.

Speaker 136 Oh, you're too big.

Speaker 58 Too big.

Speaker 6 Nah, nigga.

Speaker 111 No, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 81 You look gay.

Speaker 58 Uh-oh.

Speaker 76 I can take your girl.

Speaker 58 Wow, got real here for a second.

Speaker 34 He just, David, looked a man in the eyes and said, I'm going to fuck your girlfriend.

Speaker 138 She ain't never had stomach on her forehead, nigga.

Speaker 137 I'm going to show her what it's about.

Speaker 109 You got to fit through the door first.

Speaker 112 No, shit.

Speaker 125 Oh,

Speaker 22 my God.

Speaker 71 This is not turning into a rose battle. I don't know what y'all think.

Speaker 77 Oh, my God.

Speaker 59 I don't want it to be there.

Speaker 44 I love you.

Speaker 59 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 31 Cameron, anything else crazy we should know about you?

Speaker 136 No.

Speaker 116 I mean,

Speaker 15 I want to be cooler, so I go to rock shows.

Speaker 109 That's my thing.

Speaker 109 Rock shows? That's what I think is cool.

Speaker 15 That's in my head, is what is cool.

Speaker 139 You go to rock shows?

Speaker 109 Yeah, because you know, we're in Austin.

Speaker 101 Like rock and roll.

Speaker 109 It's a live performing music, you know, city.

Speaker 107 Yeah, something like that.

Speaker 58 Yeah, so

Speaker 87 I went to a hardcore rock show.

Speaker 118 And what do you do with these things?

Speaker 59 Do you stand in the back with a bottle of water?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 121 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 109 You can pay me $30,000 to dance.

Speaker 87 I don't know how anybody danced unironically.

Speaker 58 Really? Yes.

Speaker 26 You don't think we could pay you $30,000 to dance?

Speaker 109 Yes, I do, actually. What's happening?

Speaker 20 I'm not going to pay you anything, but I want to see.

Speaker 52 Give me some dance music.

Speaker 3 No, you have to do it, Cameron.

Speaker 18 You're not leaving here until you dance.

Speaker 28 Well, what's a dance?

Speaker 66 We're going to hold you hostage. What's your dance?

Speaker 39 Whoa.

Speaker 40 What's your dance? See this shit.

Speaker 64 All right, this is gay.

Speaker 11 Get out of here.

Speaker 59 Get out of here, Cameron.

Speaker 111 You already have a joke book, right?

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Okay, there he goes.

Speaker 29 Cameron Elliot.

Speaker 67 Told you. He had a dance.

Speaker 140 The guy had a dance.

Speaker 64 Heidi refilling the never-ending gullet of David Lucas yet again.

Speaker 39 Another drink for David up here.

Speaker 64 It's apple juice if you're wondering what David's drinking.

Speaker 11 Diabetic jet fuel.

Speaker 107 Apple juice.

Speaker 57 Every diabetic's favorite beverage.

Speaker 70 Welch's apple juice.

Speaker 61 Alright.

Speaker 64 Your final bucket pull pole of the night goes by the name of Timmy No Breaks Timmy No Breaks

Speaker 40 Ooh I think I heard a pop from the comedian section there

Speaker 70 Timmy no brakes

Speaker 70 Wind if he moves his leg the whole stage shakes Timmy no brakes

Speaker 70 Timmy no brakes

Speaker 70 Timmy no breaks

Speaker 40 Forgot how long it takes for people to get to

Speaker 142 Yeah, like you said, my name's Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 142 And you might wanna

Speaker 142 buckle the fuck up.

Speaker 38 Get this.

Speaker 142 I was at the nuts store. I was buying nuts.
I go up to the fucking waiter thing. The woman's like, that's going to be $100.

Speaker 8 I was like, bitch, I got fucking bills to pay.

Speaker 142 You guys ever heard of a fucking punchline? What the f?

Speaker 141 Alright, don't worry.

Speaker 76 You're going to love this one.

Speaker 8 Get this.

Speaker 142 I was at the doctor. Yeah, the fucking doctor.

Speaker 76 I go up to this doctor.

Speaker 142 He's like, Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 76 You have cancer.

Speaker 114 You need treatment.

Speaker 142 I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm a healthy guy.

Speaker 71 I'm a young boy.

Speaker 142 He's like, you need treatment. I'm like, how much is that going to cost?

Speaker 38 He's like, $100.

Speaker 105 I was like, bitch, that's a good deal.

Speaker 151 This is great A shit.

Speaker 81 This is good shit, what the fuck?

Speaker 70 Timmy,

Speaker 67 no breaks.

Speaker 77 Everybody.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 141 What the fuck? Timmy.

Speaker 91 Hi, Timmy.

Speaker 31 Did you just watch dice once?

Speaker 116 Yeah, I've heard that before.

Speaker 131 What do you really like?

Speaker 19 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 100 Too long.

Speaker 142 Too much.

Speaker 108 Two months. All right.

Speaker 63 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 116 Where are you from?

Speaker 105 Jersey.

Speaker 135 Jersey. All right.

Speaker 135 Timmy No Books.

Speaker 69 Oh, wow. Okay, Timmy.
He's having the time of his life.

Speaker 80 Yeah, this is good.

Speaker 53 So, Timmy, you've been doing stand-up for two months?

Speaker 20 Yeah, two months.

Speaker 58 How old are you?

Speaker 142 I'm 18.

Speaker 19 How old are you, Timmy?

Speaker 19 that's rude that's okay how old are you how old are you to me i'm 24

Speaker 60 really

Speaker 142 guy that's fucking how old are you

Speaker 76 how old are you timmy 24 years old really yes

Speaker 142 this is fucking guys come on i'm a guest here what the fuck

Speaker 23 I'm 36.

Speaker 16 There it is.

Speaker 14 There it is.

Speaker 18 Timmy, what have you been doing your whole life up until this point?

Speaker 142 I worked for my father for a long time. He was a fishing man.
And so I worked for him and then, you know, got caught up in some shit.

Speaker 77 Like what?

Speaker 142 I did some time.

Speaker 100 It was Coke. I was a Coke guy.

Speaker 142 I did some Coke shit and then,

Speaker 71 you know,

Speaker 62 got out and

Speaker 142 I found stand-up and I, you know, never looked back.

Speaker 77 How long did you go?

Speaker 114 This is my life.

Speaker 17 How long were you in jail for?

Speaker 142 I was two months.

Speaker 52 Two months.

Speaker 132 Everything's two months with you.

Speaker 142 No, not everything is two months. It's also $100.

Speaker 53 Yes, two months and a hundred dollars.

Speaker 101 Holy shit.

Speaker 58 It's a fucking black Kool-Aid man.

Speaker 76 Boom, roasted. Got your ass, bitch.

Speaker 3 Wow, Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 90 Got your ass, bitch.

Speaker 77 Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 21 Again, just fully committed to this

Speaker 33 to this character.

Speaker 97 Timmy,

Speaker 20 what do you do for fun in real life now?

Speaker 91 Are you still on Coke?

Speaker 142 No, you know, I just

Speaker 1 yes.

Speaker 33 Yes, you are.

Speaker 53 Do you live in Austin now?

Speaker 87 Yeah, I moved here.

Speaker 131 How long have you lived here?

Speaker 13 Two months.

Speaker 18 Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 77 Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 58 Getting the lights to change in the room.

Speaker 29 Timmy, how do you make money?

Speaker 114 I shell weed.

Speaker 32 You sell Coke.

Speaker 142 No, I sell weed now.

Speaker 114 I'm straight. I'm straight.

Speaker 142 I'm straight.

Speaker 139 I'm straightish.

Speaker 139 What?

Speaker 97 Fucking Dr.

Speaker 80 Evil, goddamn. Boom, roasted.

Speaker 8 Look at this, bitch.

Speaker 142 What are you drinking? Fucking gay shit? God damn.

Speaker 80 Boom.

Speaker 58 Unbelievable. Unreal.

Speaker 142 I'll take that golden ticket, bitch.

Speaker 77 Oh, my God.

Speaker 77 I'll take that golden ticket, bitch!

Speaker 33 Timmy, you're not even getting a big joke book, Timmy.

Speaker 142 That's fine. I don't write.

Speaker 15 We know, Timmy. We saw your act.

Speaker 114 Don't you know what a punchline is?

Speaker 19 One of your famous lines.

Speaker 32 Timmy, tell us something about you other than the fact that

Speaker 79 you did cocaine.

Speaker 13 Just give us one more little tidbit about you.

Speaker 142 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 78 I love my mother.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 142 I love that bitch.

Speaker 142 It's not that interesting, but it's true.

Speaker 105 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 33 Is she proud of you?

Speaker 76 She's not.

Speaker 76 She passed away

Speaker 8 two months ago. Yeah.

Speaker 142 It was, yeah, it was hard.

Speaker 5 Did you bury her or did she get boom roasted?

Speaker 142 No, we burnt her uh you know she was in a kiln or whatever you know what I mean and uh how did she die embarrassment

Speaker 58 that's my fucking mother you're talking about gay guy

Speaker 78 this guy's gay

Speaker 53 Timmy you're a funny guy dude you're a funny guy Timmy I like your style normally I hate anything that sounds at all like Andrew Dice Clay, who was literally doing your act 45 years ago, but I look at you.

Speaker 32 All right, all right, Timmy.

Speaker 19 If I had to give your interview and set a grade on a report card, I would give it a...

Speaker 74 A.

Speaker 11 There he goes. Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 3 Wow, he he immediately gives it to a fan.

Speaker 52 He gives it right to an audience member.

Speaker 96 Unbelievable.

Speaker 11 A man of the people.

Speaker 11 A man of the people.

Speaker 53 Timmy no breaks.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 56 What an amazing force of nature.

Speaker 117 Oh, the guy gave it back.

Speaker 13 Very good, sir.

Speaker 53 Very good. You know what?

Speaker 69 Just because you're a good guy, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this.

Speaker 25 We need to wash out the memory of Timmy No Breaks, and there's only one way to do it.

Speaker 21 There's one human, ladies and gentlemen, who is yet another Kill Tony Hall of Famer.

Speaker 58 The record holder for all-time appearances on the show.

Speaker 12 The record holder for all-time interviews on the show.

Speaker 25 He's very excited to be back at Vulcan Gas Company, the simple container box where we held the show for years while waiting for the mothership to be built.

Speaker 64 This guy became one of the most popular comedians in the world.

Speaker 77 He's now touring all over.

Speaker 53 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler,

Speaker 11 the one, the only, the big red machine.

Speaker 64 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 151 How is it going, Vulcan Gas Company?

Speaker 87 Weirdly enough, it's actually been two months since I've last been here.

Speaker 87 And also, it's always so nice when I go out by the broom closet, I think about Han sexually assaulting women up there.

Speaker 150 So it's always nice.

Speaker 15 Hold on, I'm actually getting a telephone call.

Speaker 150 Let me see.

Speaker 117 Mincea?

Speaker 40 Hello?

Speaker 150 Yeah, no, I actually do not want to join.

Speaker 151 Biden's got terminal prostate cancer.

Speaker 87 Say what you will about Hillary Clinton, but that bitch bitch is creative.

Speaker 87 And for those who don't know about Mintz, I actually have a really high IQ, people.

Speaker 97 That's

Speaker 58 and that was whistle while you twerk climbing up to the number eight spot.

Speaker 151 Once again, I'm Casey Kasem and don't forget Bush did 9-11.

Speaker 87 Hey, Red Band, I can't remember what you said last night. What is the best back-to-school gun?

Speaker 87 It's so weird. Red Band gets these fantasies about shooting up schools and he tells me when these guns go on special.
Tony, that is my time. Thank you so much.

Speaker 77 Wow.

Speaker 151 God, that other guy was so good, Tony.

Speaker 87 I'm down there thinking, I'm not going to follow this dude.

Speaker 91 I can tell. I can tell.

Speaker 131 You seem a little shell shit.

Speaker 87 Fucking Minsa calls me right when I'm up here.

Speaker 48 That's so embarrassing.

Speaker 143 Yeah.

Speaker 131 It's hard to follow Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 53 I mean, the guy did something we've never seen before.

Speaker 31 He gets tossed a big joke, book says, fuck this, gives it to someone in the front row.

Speaker 87 Yeah, well, by the way, Bones Eye is pissed.

Speaker 150 Bonesai, the guy who makes those, literally is pissed right now.

Speaker 58 Well, I mean, I just think.

Speaker 53 Timmy No Breaks is so charismatic that I feel like if Bones Eye went up to start shit with Timmy No Breaks, Timmy No Breaks would make Bones Eye make him a brand new leather jacket by the end of it.

Speaker 23 I just think Timmy No Breaks is a force of nature.

Speaker 34 I don't know.

Speaker 87 Well, he's got a gun. I literally bought a gun from him last weekend in the alleyway behind here.

Speaker 7 Seriously.

Speaker 58 Yeah. That's why I was so nervous.

Speaker 150 He's like, don't talk about the gun. And it's like, well, I got to talk about it.

Speaker 87 But so nice to be back here at Vulcan.

Speaker 31 Yeah, talk about it.

Speaker 32 How does it make you feel? What do you remember about this place?

Speaker 150 Oh, my gosh. Just how hot and sweaty it would get

Speaker 150 up in the fucking broom closet.

Speaker 37 I would be up there with Hans.

Speaker 150 And we weren't doing anything bad, but it would just get so hot and sweaty. And I would just watch Hans, and we'd have the drones going.

Speaker 20 You and Hans used to do drugs in that broom closet.

Speaker 34 Am I correct?

Speaker 150 We did one time, one weekend. The first weekend I was in Austin, I was still doing a bunch of cocaine.
So I'd start to do it in the broom closet with Hans.

Speaker 97 Yep.

Speaker 25 No doubt about it. And look at you now.

Speaker 113 Clean and sober, camouflage shorts.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I'm wearing these a lot right now to

Speaker 150 like those yeah i like these and i realized after hanging out with hans in the closet i don't like asian people that much and

Speaker 150 it was right when you had the stuff going on with that guy

Speaker 150 the asian yeah the asian guy and i'm thinking what is going on tony just hired some asian guy this is the spot this is happy asian heritage month everybody

Speaker 115 i forgot all about it i know i'm kidding those were wild times it was it was wild times to think that that would end up being my second biggest cancellation is pretty crazy because that was the news for a couple days yeah

Speaker 150 what when you were on Roseanne saying the stuff

Speaker 65 what

Speaker 150 oh I thought you were talking about for the second cancellation or which one

Speaker 33 that that thing I did for the president of the United States a few months ago.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So William, what's going on in life?

Speaker 56 What are you passionate about this week?

Speaker 150 Oh my gosh. Well, Tony, it's actually kind of strange.
I started doing these paint-by-number things. It's like this watercolor.

Speaker 150 And Tony, I'm just loving all the different colors I can use to paint the watercolors. Yeah, dude, we're talking about, oh, my gosh, all different kinds of colors.

Speaker 113 What are some of your favorite colors?

Speaker 87 Shit, maybe a yellow.

Speaker 151 And sir, where are you going?

Speaker 151 Sir, what's your favorite color, dumbass? Seriously, what's your favorite?

Speaker 33 I get the feeling it's not black.

Speaker 3 That guy looks like a real Texan right there.

Speaker 113 What are some more of your favorite colors?

Speaker 57 Yeah, maybe like a beige.

Speaker 99 Ooh, not beige.

Speaker 57 I don't really like that color that much.

Speaker 87 God, maybe like an indigo.

Speaker 60 Oh,

Speaker 15 no, y'all do it a little, maybe maybe more without.

Speaker 18 They play.

Speaker 111 Maybe like a brown.

Speaker 19 Yeah, they feed off of your energies, William.

Speaker 32 I don't know if you've noticed that.

Speaker 127 Maybe a

Speaker 119 polka dot.

Speaker 111 Wait.

Speaker 150 That's not as fun, though.

Speaker 91 Polka dot isn't a color.

Speaker 99 Yeah, that's not even a color. Tony, how am I already running out of colors?

Speaker 150 I thought, okay,

Speaker 93 I'm going to choose colors tonight why don't you just look around and uh

Speaker 87 oh my gosh maybe a green

Speaker 58 I'm running out Tony there's people yelling colors at you

Speaker 52 everybody wants you to say brown it seems right now You want to say it?

Speaker 111 Brown!

Speaker 150 Give me a better color. Somebody give me a better color.

Speaker 87 Ooh. Ooh, maybe a burgundy.

Speaker 120 No,

Speaker 8 hold on, like a burgundy.

Speaker 19 Ooh, magenta has been called. Do you like magenta?

Speaker 12 Magenta?

Speaker 12 Red man, help me!

Speaker 67 Dummy!

Speaker 111 Everybody thought you said red man. Struggly!

Speaker 58 Red, red.

Speaker 100 Red, red.

Speaker 20 Not very passionate about these colors.

Speaker 3 I thought you loved colors.

Speaker 150 I was lying a little, Tony.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 48 We've never seen you quite like this before, William.

Speaker 32 Any other colors that perhaps you're excited about?

Speaker 150 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 151 I didn't even think about Seafoam Green!

Speaker 132 Seafoam green?

Speaker 99 Seafoam green.

Speaker 150 I think you already said green, but Seafoam Green is like a lighter. It has blue in it.

Speaker 122 Any other colors before we get out of here tonight that you'd like to passionately name?

Speaker 103 There's some people up in the upper deck.

Speaker 26 Suggested.

Speaker 58 Turquoise!

Speaker 151 Fulking Cas Company!

Speaker 77 David Help, dude.

Speaker 33 David and William, famously old friends, the first two

Speaker 34 other than Michael Lair, first two members of the Hall of Fame here in Kiltone.

Speaker 150 I used to watch David have sex with women in the hotel rooms. I would be hidden in the closet.

Speaker 99 I'd be like, dude, are you sure this is okay?

Speaker 150 And he'd throw me one of his shirts. It'd be like, just get under the shirt and it's okay.

Speaker 87 which was so sweet be i'd be having a lover in the fucking closet and he's having sex with these women on beds and what's funny is that

Speaker 27 from my seat everybody would have thought that you were just kidding william but i can hear david go stop it

Speaker 91 I fucking love it.

Speaker 29 William Montgomery, you did it again. We did it again.

Speaker 11 That's another episode of Kill Tony brought to you by Express VPN via an incogni ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 21 how about one more time for christina mariani everybody christinamariani calm follow her on instagram c-r-i-i-m-a-r-i-i david lucas as fishing with david lucas davidlucascomedy.com the drawing from ryan j e belt is in and it is stunning it is indeed christina mariani and david lucas we have to reset the room let's go red band love you guys.

Speaker 97 Thank you.

Speaker 62 We love you. Thank you.

Speaker 11 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 145 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 145 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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Speaker 36 You know, the moment, you're binge-watching different things, and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected.

Speaker 36 Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery, though, let's be honest, getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver.

Speaker 36 It's also Prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting, right?

Speaker 37 Band, whether streaming a stand-up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way.

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