#723 - DAVID LUCAS + CRISTINA MARIANI

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this is random coming live from the vulcan gas company here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get up for tonight

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John Dees on the keys, and that is D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

Very exciting.

Very sober crowd here tonight.

Very exciting.

It seems very tight in here.

Should be fun.

How do you guys feel?

Is everybody okay?

All right, good.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

All right.

Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show.

This week is no different.

It's a very, very exciting, special episode in which one of the panelists is one of the most famous comedians in the history of the show,

a Kiltony Hall of Famer.

And the other one, it is her very first time on panel.

She is in the front-running position of having the joke of the year.

So this is a big deal watching someone be elevated from the bucket to the panel.

Make some noise for tonight's panel, ladies and gentlemen.

It is the roast god, David Lucas and Christina Mariani, everybody.

Her first time on panel.

one of the best joke writers and performers in Austin Texas and there he is

my best friend and arch nemesis David Lucas

for those of you that don't know

we make fun of each other

famously I think it's over like 2,000 hours I've called you gay so much people believe it.

It's true.

I've called you fat so much people believe it.

Including your doctor.

So it's very interesting.

The only nigga that don't think I'm fat is Dee Madness because he can't see.

I think he can hear it just right.

Dee, does David sound fat to you?

Strong head nod.

The glasses lit up for that one.

David Lucas has a podcast fishing with David.

He's on tour, David LucasComedy.com and makes some noise.

Her first time on panel, one of the most famously nervous comedians in the world here joining us for the entire episode Christina Mariani say hi to everybody Christina hi

we juice up that mic a little bit what is that mic three say hi again hi yeah there she is look at that

adorable

Christina is here.

She's on tour as well.

Christinamariani.com.

One of the biggest jokes ever in the show's history.

Famously, she right black guy crossing the street.

Yeah, and then you think she crosses the street because

she thinks that the black guys

wait, no, I fucked it up.

Yeah, you know it.

We'll put it in right here.

It's right here.

I learned that racism is passed down generationally.

So it's internalized, which makes sense.

I was walking home.

It was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me.

And instinctively, I grab my purse,

even though logically,

I know he's not for sale.

He did steal steal my wallet, though.

And now we're back.

All right, Christina, welcome to the show.

You've seen it.

You've been on it multiple times.

Over 185 people tonight.

A little bit less sign-ups here at Vulcan Gas Company than at the mothership.

Only about 20 or 30 less.

But

it's going down.

It's happening right now, live.

They signed up.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear Which interrupts them and then I conduct an interview with them and We figure out more about them absolutely anything can happen the entire thing's improvised and it should be a lot of fun you guys ready to start tonight's show

This place doesn't have the rock and roll energy that it used to have are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show

Yes, very good.

Let's get some why don't you guys order some fucking shots of tequila or something?

Loosen up a little bit.

It's a fucking...

I can tell there's a lot of Westlake people that fucking...

A lot of rich kids made the drive to be here tonight, trying to fucking go to a fancy dinner after this or something.

I don't know what's happening.

But let's have some fun.

We're going to start the show with a bang.

One of our longest

ever tenure golden ticket winners.

Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute.

This is Enrique Chacone, everybody.

Enrique Chacone everyone wows like

some noise for Enrique everybody

my girlfriend she froze her eggs recently for family planning right turns out that shit cost $14,000 man

I guess these egg prices really are high nowadays, you know what I'm saying?

I could tell who's been shopping, dude.

I heard a Spaniard guy speak Spanish in Texas, and that shit didn't sit right with me, man.

It sounded gay as fuck.

Ami me gustavlar de l'español

espero que tudia este estupendo.

Like, bro, that sounds like the British battle rap of Spanish.

You know, I'm used to that Mexican Spanish in Texas, you know, where it sounds like a weed whacker starting them.

You know, if the Spanish doesn't sound like a car missing its catalytic converter, man, I don't want to hear it, dude.

Anyways, that's been my time, bro.

Thank y'all so much.

Exactly, one minute.

Nailing it on the time tonight.

Welcome back, Enrique.

Thank you, Tony.

Did your girl really freeze her eggs?

She did, and I know the doctor was all up in her vagina, bro.

And

it made me uncomfortable, dude.

really is the doctor a guy it was a guy a white guy oh boy somehow that made it worse

if you could have any type of guy inspecting your girlfriend's vagina what kind of guy would it be if you could pick your own gynecologist probably one of like those uh those um trannies from thailand bro what do they call them those boy toys not a boy toy god damn it red bad lady boy yeah

Lady boy.

I'll have a lady boy do that procedure, bro.

You know, so you would like a feminine man to do it?

That or me, which I think I qualify as a feminine man.

What the fuck?

That's true.

Fat tits.

There they are.

Give me a dollar bill.

Fuck it.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely sweating profusely is always.

Yeah.

I thought it wasn't going to happen today, bro.

I sweated out in the morning, dude.

You know what I'm saying?

Doing chores, cutting wood and shit, bro.

But nah, dude, I'm still dripping.

You cut wood?

Yeah.

For what?

For bonfires, marshmallows, dude.

Marshmallows,

melted joglet.

It's all just snacks for you.

Nothing that has anything to do with like nature sustenance.

It's just sure.

Nature's cool, too.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

So you cut wood and then you make s'mores?

Make s'mores, dude, or put some chicken on a stick, bro.

Throw it in the coals, you know?

Chicken on a stick.

Yeah.

You've done that.

Yeah.

i'm latino bro we barbecue dude

and you put it on a stick put it on a stick uh sheesh kebab i think that's how you say it dude you know my english

my english no

my english

sheesh kebab

dude i already chicken on a stick

wow do you dip the chicken in something you go just straight

sweet raised barbecue sauce you know what i'm saying david sweet i don't

I'm shocked.

All right.

I'm just happy that there's another fat guy told me to roast out there.

Hey, you know what?

You made me feel a little self-conscious, too.

I thought you were going to say you dipped the chicken in your sweat.

That's disgusting.

All right.

Come on.

This ain't Indio.

Anyway, I shouldn't have said that.

Fuck.

I shouldn't have said that.

Fuck y'all.

Them Instagram reels are ridiculous.

All right.

Wow.

So you cut wood.

What are some more chores that you do?

I can't picture you doing any of this shit, by the way.

This is why I stopped drinking, dude.

You know what?

I have 17 animals at my property right now that I have to fucking feed, man.

Can I get some of them fucking food stamps, bro?

Because it's tough, dude.

I have six goats right now, dude.

I have four chickens, two ducks, four cats, four dogs, and two squirrels, apparently, that I'm feeding, dude.

Well, I mean, we all have squirrels, but

why do you have two ducks?

Two, I don't know, man.

They were just so fucking cute at the tractor supply, bro.

You know what I mean?

I just have to get them bitches, dude.

And now I'm waiting.

They just kind of run around and hang out with each other.

No,

I live in the backwoods of Austin, right?

In the country.

So, like, man, I have coyotes and hawks and shit.

So they have to be like securely locked down, you know.

It's very like post-apocalyptic survival, you know, kind of thing.

Huh.

And it's me, me taking care of all of them, bro.

I'm a good Latino father, dog.

Okay, Stuart always have big families.

Let's talk about the squirrels for just a second here because that one stood out to me.

They just kind of stumbled in the neighborhood or do you have like tags on them?

You keeping track of them?

Man, I have this one squirrel, dude.

She comes in front of my window every day, bro, and she's pregnant, too, right?

It's not mine.

And

she got like the biggest fucking areolas on her, bro.

Oh, shit.

I've been staring at this squirrel for like 30 minutes a day, 40 minutes a day, you know, before I actually have to go and do the shit that I have to do, you know, to make it to make some money.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

What are you planning on doing with the squirrel babies when they come?

I don't know.

Hopefully they can help me with some of these house chores.

You know what I'm saying?

Nothing.

Just probably feeding everybody, bro.

I'm a Latino man, but I also feel like an abuelita inside, you know, just want to feed everything.

You are adorable.

Christina, you're a quiet, sweet little spirit have you ever seen anybody sweat quite as much as enrique chican is sweating right now um

no but i think uh he wins

this is christina look ai generated bro get the fuck out of here dog

she ai up in here bro

you just have to refresh her browser to get dressed and shit

this took me about an hour bro i'm like nah i'm not gonna wear that mint green green shirt, dude.

Everybody's going to see my sweats up to down my titties right here.

Anyways, you're a wet front.

Yeah, wet front.

You son of a bitch.

All right, Enrique, you're a golden ticket winner.

You got it all going for you.

You got the show started.

Congratulations.

Thank you, man.

Thank you so much.

Appreciate y'all.

And here we go

to the bucket.

To the bucket we go.

Your first name.

We're going to meet them all together.

This looks like, I feel like we've seen this person before.

Make some noise for Rachel McMillan, everybody.

Rachel McMillan.

Rachel.

Here's Rachel Macmillan, everybody.

Make some noise for Rachel.

I'm adopted.

I was raised by white people, but I'm Mexican.

I'm not sure if I came with any papers, so my favorite sport is cross-country.

Because I'm Mexican, my mom taught me how to mow a lawn before she taught me about safe sex.

That's why I have two kids and a bald pussy.

Growing up, my dad would punish me by spanking me with his fraternity paddle.

Now I can't come without being hazed, but I can read classical Greek.

All right, my family they love Disney World.

They've been to Disney World like eight times.

They've even been to the Disney World in Japan, but they're getting a little out of control.

They have a transgender whale now.

They named him Maybe Dick.

All right, thank you so much, guys.

All right, Rachel McMellon.

All right, Rachel, hi.

Hey, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Four years.

Four years.

Where at?

Out of Houston, Texas.

All of it in Houston?

Yes.

That's where you're from?

Yes, sir.

And that's where you live now?

It is, yeah.

Do you have a family?

I do.

Okay.

Tell us about them.

What's that like?

I have two teenage boys.

We talked about it last time that I was on the show.

You made endless fun of me for maybe me not knowing if I was the mother of them because I

wouldn't have to do it.

I'm a recovering addict.

And

yeah,

I said one of the weirdest things about getting sober is you find out you have kids.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yes, it's all coming back to me now.

Sure.

What were you addicted to?

What do you got?

Okay, I was like

addicted to pain medication,

mixed with a little bit of heroin.

Okay.

Yeah, we can all relate to that.

What was your bottom?

When did you know that you needed help?

Really?

God, are you still on heroin?

No, I'm not.

Nine years sober.

No,

I guess.

One year sober?

Nine, yeah.

Nine?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

I I was going to say, one year sober, the shit could be over tonight here on Sixth Streets.

Fingers crossed.

I guess

I just, you just know when you've had enough.

Like, it just, it didn't, I was done.

I was just done.

I'd been

to rehab maybe one too many times.

I don't know.

But yeah.

What do you do now to fill the time and the

space of the greatest feeling in the world being on heroin?

Have you tried it?

No, I just know.

Okay.

I know that because that's why I haven't tried it because I know that if I tried it, I would just do it all the time.

Yeah.

Obviously, you didn't know that before you tried it.

That's what you.

I've heard rumors that it's the greatest thing in the world from everybody that's tried it.

Good.

It is.

I actually recently started

drifting cars.

No way.

wow what how did you get into that are you dating a persian guy

i'm actually dating or engaged to a guy who's 16 years younger than me so if i do my math correctly i've been sucking dick longer than he's been alive so

wow i've been saving to say that that's incredible where'd you meet this guy at um i met him through friends actually we went to a haunted house that was our first date a haunted house was your first date it wasn't our first date but it's how we met did you make a move move at the haunted house?

Yeah, I put on a mask and I was like, I'm your new mom.

No, I am.

I did not make a move on him then, no.

Have you always been into younger guys, or is this a new thing?

I mean, I guess this is a new thing, yeah.

16 years is quite the age gap.

What do you notice that's different between dating a guy 16 years younger than you and a normal guy?

A normal guy?

Yeah, like a guy you're older.

Or like a guy, that's mature.

I don't know.

I just, I think that there's a lot of

he has a lot of great qualities, good moral compass, same path.

What does he do for work?

He's actually a roofer.

He works for a roofing company, has his own company.

Wow.

Yeah.

Incredible.

My goodness.

I could see why that would work out.

Hey, it's working out pretty well.

We're doing all right.

He works on roofs.

You've hit bottom before.

That's right.

Okay.

Rachel, how do you make money I work as a paralegal

in the legal field yeah okay yeah and what do you what what are these kids up to how old are they again uh 18 and 19.

okay so what are they doing are they in school one is actually trying to go to aviation school so okay and the other one um

you guys love getting high in your family

This is about as high as you can get.

Yeah, it's flying.

What's the other one up to?

The disappointing one.

He's not disappointing.

I know of aviation schools first.

The other one's trying mom's old fucking Vicoden.

I mean, he just likes to have girlfriends and make my life a living hell with his girlfriend.

Explain to us, there's a lot of moms out there that love this show.

Explain to us how the sun is making your life hell.

Okay, well, one of the first things he said when he started dating this hooker, no, this girl, this very nice girl, sorry.

hooker's name is chelsea um he

he says serial why don't you like the girl i don't dislike her i just don't like definitely don't like her

there's no point in like trying to backtrack now hey man she's already seen this part of the show she's watching right now and she's like well whatever she says next Can't be worse than that.

I bought.

Okay.

You already called her a hooker.

Literally in front of millions of people.

You see that little red light out there i see the red light yeah she well she's watching you through that okay what

she um i bought my kids lsu sweatshirts because they're a big lsu family uh on the dad's side and she she took it you know she took the sweater i had to go to the house and make a big scene about getting the sweater back it was it's like a hoodie it's a hoodie yeah so you're mad because you gave your son a hoodie

because there's a lot of you know uh conflict between the two and they've been off and on for a couple of years so And the first thing that she, one of the first things she said was like,

I'm on birth control, don't worry.

And I'm like, you're...

Can't even drive a car yet.

Fuck you.

Wait, she can't drive a car?

Well, I'm just saying she's so young, and she's telling me she's on birth control.

I'm getting already a little frustrated.

This is very good.

I'm glad that we're talking about this.

I love this.

I think I'm crushing this interview, by the way.

So

she told you that she's on birth control.

control she's like hey everything

don't worry i'm on birth control and you were like you didn't like that don't you think that she was comfortable enough to share with you that and that she's just telling you well he chimed in like later on don't worry mom she's on and i'm like this is a conversation that you and i can have apart from you know uh you just telling me that's like the first great thing about this girl no well i mean it is pretty fucking awesome

yeah, damn.

There's a fucking guy lighting there.

All right.

Everybody loves nutting inside of things.

And your son does, too.

How does that make you feel knowing that your son is blasting loads into a woman that you call a hooker?

Sometimes, I bet he blasts inside of her, and the only thing she's wearing is that LSU hoodie that you fucking.

I hope so.

It's a good college.

Yeah.

Every once in a while, he just checks But luckily, he's not getting it on the hoodie that you're so worried about because it's all going inside of her fucking...

That's good.

Her cold vagina.

All right, Rachel.

Man, I blacked out.

Well, fun times, Rachel.

You got through it.

You know, you got to fucking...

You know, I want to hear more about this.

I want to hear more about the drugs and stuff.

That maybe dick joke I've heard a couple times before, but it's okay.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

So try to take chances, right?

Don't try to please the people.

Talk about your stuff, your life.

Rachel McMillan, everybody, there she goes.

We're going to keep it moving along here.

This is definitely a new name.

I love new names.

But then again, everybody's new when you can't remember if they've been on the show before.

You know what I mean?

All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better.

You know the moment.

You're binge watching different things and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected.

Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery, though, let's be honest.

Getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver.

It's also Prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting, right, Ban?

Whether streaming a stand-up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way.

So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember Prime is there for it.

I do it all on Prime.

Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime.

Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into.

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Nolan Gustine

Priest

or

Dries or Priest.

Nolan Gustine

Priest.

Make some noise for Nolan, everybody.

I'm into persistent dogma.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to say I'm religious.

Really into the idea of group convincing other people that they're always wrong.

That's a hard power to pass up.

I've also been dabbling in addiction as of lately.

When

it comes to suspicion coming around, and it always does, because you move funny and you act funny when you're high.

I've come up with a master plan.

I'm just going to blame my siblings.

No, he doesn't got it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Shut up.

Talking during people's fucking sets.

Hello,

Nolan.

Hey.

This is exciting.

We went from a former heroin addict to a current one.

Very rarely does that happen on this show.

Must have been a matter of minutes since you last shot up.

Never tried it.

You never tried heroin, buddy?

You might as well.

There is no reason for you to not be on heroin right now.

You look like you're on heroin.

You do comedy like you're on heroin.

Nolan, welcome to the show.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

This is my third week.

Third week.

Okay.

What made you want to start a month ago?

I was a class clown growing up, and I just, I was used to be afraid to do this because I just didn't want to deal with my family's judgments around it.

And after many years, it just came down to fuck them.

I'm going to do me.

So.

Wow, look at that.

I love it.

Okay.

David Lucas.

I feel like you just killed a cat before you came here.

The T-Moo version of Jesus.

That's weird.

Hallelujah.

Yeah.

That's...

Bro, you have such a red rum energy.

It's so weird.

You ever started a cult?

I'm willing to.

You got a van?

I used to live in one.

Yeah, I can tell, nigga.

And you smell like it.

How old are you, Nolan?

27.

27.

What do you do for work?

Right now, I'm just a disabled comic.

Okay, what's disabled about you?

I went through testicular cancer a couple years ago, and I had to give up a nut for this shit.

Wow.

Testicular cancer.

Wow.

So how did you find out that you had it?

Take us through the process.

This is a lot of people's biggest fears.

Were you showering and you felt something?

Take us through the process, Nolan.

Alright, so this is kind of fucked up, but I shit you not for the longest time.

It was like the size of an my right nut, which had the most cancer, it was the size of like an avocado.

It didn't hurt for a while, though, so I just didn't want to tell people about it.

Sensitive subject, even though I like being funny and morbid, and I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it.

So eventually I start telling people.

And most people are saying the same thing, get it checked out.

I'm like, nah, I'll fast it away.

Smoke a reefer.

I'm good.

I don't need it.

That was bullshit.

So

eventually went to the hospital because I woke up in just 10 out of 10 pain, screaming.

The people I was living with heard me.

Called my parents who I hadn't spoken to in a while.

They even said, what the hell are you doing?

Get to the hospital.

And that day I find it out.

And even after the original diagnosis, I was still like, all right, let me ask a bunch of people, get different opinions.

Holy shit.

And yeah, they gave me six months to live.

So I was like, I'm going to go ahead and go with the traditional bullshit that ended up saving my life.

Of course, yes, no doubt about it.

I have 14 follow-up questions.

If you had to guess how long it was from when you noticed originally your one testicle getting bigger than the other all the way down to that day going to the hospital, if you had to guess ballpark, how long that was.

Literally ballpark.

That was an accident, by the way.

If you had to ballpark the ball,

I didn't have the balls to talk.

A year, two years?

Yeah, I didn't have the balls to talk about it for the first year and a half.

So between that and two.

Wow.

Incredible.

And had the cancer spread to the other ball by that point?

Luckily not, just to the

lymph nodes that are all around my body, which was pretty scary, but they said I'm in remission.

Amazing.

How long ago was this?

About two and a half years ago.

Two and a half years ago, and you haven't had it since?

Not that I know of.

Incredible.

And the one ball acts as two right now, right?

Yeah, I actually met one of the nurses along the journey, and she said her brother had it, and he ended up having three healthy kids.

So I'm hoping I can do the same.

Wow, incredible.

So you're looking forward to having children at some point.

Yeah, I'm going to get tested first, or I'll just adopt because I don't want to mess nobody's future up just because I want kids, but I'd like to.

You could probably find a good girl out there on birth control wearing an LSU hoodie.

Brian Redman, what What did your voice sound like before you lost the ball?

Yeah.

Good question.

Similar.

Similar.

Good question.

It was definitely similar.

I do feel a little bit less aggressive though, but I don't recommend it.

Right.

What do you do for work?

Before disabled.

I was doing solar panels.

Okay.

Solar panels.

So you were out there getting a lot of sunlight.

Pretty much, yeah.

And the panels were underneath you reflecting upward.

Do you think this had anything to do with the cancer?

That and I always wore a kilt.

You wore a kilt?

No, I'm just playing, but yeah, that could have definitely.

I wanted to, though, when I had it, because...

I swear to God, you do that again, I'm going to kick you in the ball.

That would be fun.

What do you do for fun, Nolan?

Pretty much how I look.

I love to go swimming, love to just hang out.

Conversations are my favorite.

I'm a wannabe philosopher, so I'm always just trying to get see what's going on and getting to know.

When you say you're a wannabe philosopher, what exactly do you mean?

I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

Okay.

Nostra dumbass over here.

David.

I just want to, were you having sex while your nuts were that big?

Because I feel like I want to fuck all the time if my balls were the size of avocados.

Even worse, I was trying to do the whole no-fab because it was after I'd broke up with somebody.

I was doing the celibacy.

What's no fab?

Where you just hold in your cum and act like it gives you superpowers.

Oh, that's why you got cancer.

That's why you got cancer.

That's an actual thing.

You didn't have cancer.

Your nuts were just really full.

You should have just jacked off.

It would have gone away.

Yep.

They didn't tell you that.

Look, I tried all the alternatives.

Jerk off.

Masturbate.

Health advice here from your senior medical correspondent, Tony Henchcliffe.

Jerk off, boys.

You a vibe, though.

I'd start a cult with you, bro.

Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would love to cosplay as Jesus and make a ruckus.

Ain't cosplay.

Don't cosplay mean like sex?

Nope.

What's that called?

Does that work?

Does Jesus have sex?

I thought cosplay is when them white girls dress up with that leather and then be spanking niggas that's bondage I'll try that too what's it called bondage oh bondage oh yeah oh well I'll cosplay yeah even if it were just pranks and just messing with people getting old people's money whatever Nolan are you doing a lot of open mics are you trying hard at this yeah I just came down here the beginning of the month and I've been going every week trying the different ones yeah when you're doing it get the mic closer to your mouth project fucking go for it and look these people in their goddamn eyes you're looking down a a lot you're fucking being a little shy guy but you have to look at them you have to look at your you look look at them sure woo look at them with those frightening eyes of yours I can only look at with one eye so that's absolutely incredible I bet that's what your balls looked like at the end this fucking one one's just fucking

little wobbly balls over there all right well you could put this in your little nutsack where your ball used to be there's a little joke book Nolan

Gustine

Priest.

Hola.

Look at this, everybody.

If you need help jerking off and not getting testicular cancer, pause the video now, boys.

Pause the video now.

It's perfect.

It's a bottle of water.

Nothing spilled.

No harm done.

Heidi can do no wrong.

Heidi's the best.

She's smart too.

Earlier she told me that two plus two is five and I agreed with her She's a very smart girl.

I agree with everything she says.

All right.

Your next bucket pull is on the inside.

Make some noise for Rudy Ventura, everybody.

We're keeping him moving along.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Oh,

whoa.

Ruthless.

Rudy Ventura's coming to the stage any fucking second.

Here he comes.

comes here he is ladies and gentlemen our rudy ventura

hell yeah

uh guys i just uh have some great news i just had my first baby recently

whoa i don't know what you guys are clapping for i didn't say i was gonna raise him but i appreciate you guys for that

Shit's crazy.

Shit's crazy since I had my son, to be honest.

Like, like, before I had my son, like, I was a raging alcoholic and now I'm just an alcoholic because I gotta go home to him after this shit you know

like before I I used to like I used to get real fucked up and then I'd have to like have to figure out like do I want to get fucked up with my homeboys or do I want to get fucked up with my son

or should I get fucked up with my son and then go see my homeboys like either way I don't want him drinking at home by himself

No, but you know what's crazy?

A lot of people tell me I look Indian or Arabic and growing up I could never tell the difference between them to be honest like

They told me Indians have red dots on their forehead because of the religion, you know, they're Hindu and Arabs do too, but it's not because of their religion

Those guys don't realize that they have one until after they're dead

All right, Rudy Ventura.

Hi Rudy.

How long you been on stand-up Rudy?

Two years right now.

Two years.

Where at?

Dallas, Texas.

What do you do for work?

I do landscaping.

Whoa, okay.

So that answers my next question.

Cut the grass and sell it.

You're Mexican.

No, I'm Salvadorian.

Ooh, Salvador.

Yeah, we're like the immigrants of the immigrants.

We know.

We know.

Thank you.

Absolutely.

So what do your parents do?

Are they here in America?

Yeah, they're here in America.

Hell yeah.

I fixed their papers a couple years back.

They're doing great.

They got a ranch.

In Corsicana.

Okay.

Are they taking care of the family?

David Lucas loves ranch on everything.

And so they're taking care of.

You guys got a bunch of animals and stuff?

Yeah, they got a bunch of animals.

Yeah, a bunch of kids and shit, you know, animals.

Yeah, they are.

They're a bunch of crazy people out there.

Yeah.

Which is beautiful.

How many people are out there?

Oh, like six or seven.

Yeah.

Okay.

A lot of us left, so here.

All right.

We're doing better in America.

Well, who works on the ranch?

My dad.

Right.

He's old as fuck.

Yeah, he's doing great, though.

How old is he?

67 or 60.

Yeah,

nine.

I don't know.

He's like around there.

Okay.

67 or 69.

Yeah.

Those are right next to each other, so it could be either one.

English is my second language, so yeah.

Math is too.

You're doing good.

You're doing good.

Thank you.

David Lucas.

Man, it's crazy.

Rudy is actually a friend of mine.

I know him very well.

Yeah, I'm his plug.

And he...

I sell him Coke, but Ozmpic's not working in it right now.

Rudy, get me all the snack foods before they come out in the stores.

Shout out to my Vatos.

But Rudy is actually a really horrible father.

The night he had his...

No.

Yeah, tell him about it.

Bro,

he was chilling with me in Dallas.

I do a rose battle up there.

He's in the green room.

We're taking shots.

He's like, oh, yeah, my baby was just born.

And I'm like, today?

And he's like, yeah, I'm like, nigga, go be a fucking father.

You got that chick at the hospital by herself while you're here taking shots.

I got a dream I got to chase.

She knows.

Did you go?

Did you go hang out with your newborn kid after that?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

You did shots with David Lucas and then you went and hunted up.

Yeah, I went straight to the hospital.

I had to get fucked up to watch that shit.

That shit was just a little wild.

But you didn't even watch it.

The kid came out when you were drinking with David, right?

Yeah, but I'm talking about like holding him and shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

You had to get drunk to look your baby in the eyes.

Yeah, that shit was crazy.

I was not ready for that.

Yes.

That's like looking at you right now.

I'm like, holy shit.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Look at my baby.

He's getting big.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

It's true.

Thank you.

It's just, I'm just like your baby.

Beautiful.

Absolutely.

So how old's the kid now?

Six months.

All right.

So how's it been going?

How many times do you think you visited this kid?

Oh, I've been there every day.

She's crazy.

You know, after

he came out, I had to, you know, do father's stuff, and I've been there every day.

It's been cool.

Like, what?

What kind of father's stuff?

Like, change his diaper or like puts Miss Rachel on if I have to.

Like, I still got to go make bottles and shit.

I've been doing a lot of this.

That's just how I make bottles.

Yeah, it's been cool.

Bottles and stuff.

Okay, you still hooking up with the baby mama?

Yeah, we live together.

Yeah, we just got an apartment.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah,

for now, I feel stable for once.

It's just because I used to fuck a bunch of bitches when I first was wilding and shit.

And it's cool to finally feel like instead of waking up to my PS5, it's my girlfriend and my baby and food in the fridge and shit.

It's just cool.

This is incredible.

I see very clearly why you and David get along so well.

In the fridge,

Drinking and fucking bitches and visiting my kids sometimes, changing a diaper and having a shot.

I look up to this fool, man.

Yeah.

I'm actually a good father.

Oh, I know.

You're doing great.

Rudy's a terrible family.

What does the baby mama do for work?

Does she have a she works for a dad's plumbing company?

I lay the pipe, but no, she really does work for a dad's plumbing company.

Yeah.

Okay.

Successful business.

Are you doing great?

So you're not drinking as much as you used to drink.

Yeah, I chill down.

out.

I still drink, though.

I get fucked up.

Give us an example of a time recently in which you've gotten fucked up.

Oh, I crashed my car with David.

I mean, not with David.

Why the fuck would you say that?

What are you asking me?

I gotta be honest.

David, let's put it on the back.

Put the microphone back.

Tell me the whole story.

Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

David was with you?

Yeah, David is my best friend.

Love this.

Yes, he was.

Yes, he was.

You keep that mic where it is.

No, stand back, Rudy.

Stand back.

Sorry.

Tell us about the evening.

Oh, I got like,

David hit me up out of nowhere.

He was like, what's up, my boy?

What you doing?

I'm like, shit, I'm just at the crib.

Don't got a kid yet.

And we ended up hanging out at this arcade, like little bar and shit.

We got real fucked up.

The Casamigos.

He was supposed to buy them, and then they ended up on my tab, but that's cool.

It is my boy, anyways.

Yep.

Welcome to hanging out with David Lucas.

That's all good.

If you've ever wondered what it's like, what goes around comes around here because you're fat.

All right.

But

we ended up hanging out.

I got a little too much shots, Casamigos.

That's the drink, right?

What you got?

Keep going.

Anyways, Casamigos, my homies, we ended up getting fucked up.

And then I don't remember leaving.

And then I crashed my Mercedes.

I had just bought the Mercedes.

That shit was crazy.

Drug money was doing great at the time.

What happened that made you crash it?

Do you remember?

No.

She remembered, though.

I didn't have insurance, but we worked things out.

She didn't have insurance either, though.

She was a nice, beautiful black lady.

She did not have insurance?

No.

Wow.

So, how did you work things out?

I paid her.

I just fixed the car.

Wow.

I got some cousins and shit, too.

So, your cousins fixed the car?

Made them a batos, yeah.

Yeah, the batos.

MS-13?

Your Casamigos helped you.

That's our mechanic shops going though.

Casamigos.

Yeah.

Like Casa de los Amigos.

We got a taco stand out there, too.

I bet they fucking.

What chapel?

We know.

We know.

All right, Rudy.

David, anything you want to say?

That's not how the fucking story went.

Yeah.

Why don't you tell your version of the story?

So, first of all, I was not fucked up, but we did meet at an arcade.

Oh, yeah, I was fucked up.

We were all leaving to go back to the Airbnb that I was staying at.

Nice to meet you.

Because he was trying to bring some fucking Latin hoes over.

Before my girl.

Yeah, and I was like, I don't want no more kids.

So we all left.

Everyone came here.

We all left.

The Airbnb is like six minutes away from where we're at.

Two hours has passed.

I'm like, where the fuck is Rudy?

I'm talking about that.

I'm FaceTime and him, all this shit.

And then he just appears at 3 a.m.

in the morning.

Just show up at the fucking Airbnb and you're like, my daddy.

He did text at 3.24.

I think I was talking.

Something like that.

And you're like, my car is gone.

I'm like, what the fuck do you mean?

I like ghosts.

He was like, I hit a black bitch.

I was like, what?

Black Hawk Down, you know.

So I was like, I hit a Mercedes with my Mercedes.

No, her name was Destiny, but that was my Destiny.

I just told him to lay down and we'll figure it out in the morning.

So I wake up like 9:30 so that we can go try to figure this shit out.

And this motherfucker's gone.

Yeah, you took the line.

You sleep.

You sleep, bro.

You hibernate.

I got to go.

This motherfucker got an airplane at 12 and it's 11.

I got to get the fuck out of this bitch.

But he ended up, he did pay the lady.

The lady was hella.

Thank God she was black.

She didn't call the cops or anything.

Well, yeah, that's what happens when you don't have insurance or a registration and the car is most likely stolen.

So, luckily, you got very lucky there.

Well, my car was stolen.

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Rudy.

No, I'm fucking around.

Thank you.

Fun times.

Here's a slightly larger than small joke book.

Appreciate you.

There goes Rudy Ventura, everybody.

All right.

I'm going to keep it moving along here.

I'm a kid.

So am I going to surprise surprise you with a poster board I need for the science fair tomorrow?

Probably, but can you get up to 40% off back to school centrals on Uber Eats?

Definitely.

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Your next bucket pull is also on the inside.

Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Aaron Spaller.

Aaron Spaller.

No real

banging sets yet.

Everybody's kind of cruising through tonight.

Aaron Spaller, here comes Aaron Spaller.

Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.

One more time for Aaron Spaller, everybody.

So I was told once you go black, you never go back.

I was stressed out.

I couldn't wait to go back personally.

The biggest issue was constantly being compared to where black exes.

As a white guy, that's not where you want to be.

So I figured if I can't beat them, I'll join them.

So I started fucking fat white girls.

The issue is, is I started to enjoy it.

And I'm from the Midwest, the casserole capital of America.

They're everywhere up there.

I had a little too much fun.

And that's how I earned the nickname the Fupa Bazooka.

Which I don't think my mom was too proud of.

Because I caught her googling if 300 months is too late for an abortion.

Thank you.

okay

aaron spoller is this true did you really hook up with a black woman a few of them really yeah wow where would you meet them at

tinder morning mainly yeah okay so you're on the dating apps and that was it was and okay well you're you're not anymore no why not now what happened uh it's a sad place to be

yeah why why tell us about what you mean by that

I have bad self-control, so it's like, yeah, I'm looking for love, but when the thicker ones come across, just kind of get in there and seal the deal, and then I get too distracted, and then I got like ten fat girls hitting me up every night, and then I don't get any work done, so then I just stop.

Right, so yeah,

you

kind of

went deep down this,

I wouldn't call it it a rabbit, a pig hole.

I play around in the barnyard, yeah.

Wow, incredible.

So, tell us all about it.

What are some things that you've learned from hooking up with big chicks that's different than hooking up with regular-sized girls or what many people would call beautiful women?

The first things that

I'm kidding, they're beautiful too, but seriously, what's up?

No, I'm with you.

I hate the body positivity movement, but um

all right, keep going.

Tell us, why do you like big chicks?

What is it about big chicks?

What is it?

The jiggle, honestly.

Okay.

Yeah, I like the motion.

You know, they're skinny and nothing moves.

It doesn't.

Nothing registers.

Right.

I don't know.

What's the biggest girl, if you had to guess, that you hooked up with?

Let's guess some weights here.

I will say, I couldn't get my arms around her.

I'm going to 350 plus.

Wow.

350 at the like light side.

And she was like short too.

So a short 350.

We're talking about like 5'3.

She's tall, too.

Oh, no.

Yeah, not like tall, but average and 5'7.

Was she bigger than David Lucas?

Like, width-wise?

Sure.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Absolutely.

Wow.

This is incredible.

That's not sad.

You have to take a girl like that out to dinner before hooking up.

Oh, no way.

That's not in the budget whatsoever.

No, no.

So she comes straight to your place.

I went to hers, but yeah,

you went to her place.

What was it like?

Do you remember?

Yeah, we watched a movie.

Drank something.

What was the movie that you guys watched?

Oh, it's that one with the...

Something body.

Jennifer's body, I think.

It's got the hot bitch from Transformers.

Megan Fox, yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

There you go.

So you're watching that movie, then what happens?

I tried to put my arm around her.

That's what you went for first?

You went for a true hug, a true first base maneuver?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hug, and then that wasn't working.

I mean,

it was close,

but not close enough.

You want play by play through the whole thing?

You couldn't connect your fingertips, am I correct?

Oh, God, no, no.

When it came time to kiss her and I put the other arm around, no, there was no clasp.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

So there you are.

You're making out with her, and then what happens?

I just started feeling all of it.

Yeah, tell us about that.

Describe to this audience.

Look at them in their eyes and tell them what hooking up with this bohemoth monster was like.

It felt like I was conquering something.

I was a man on a mission.

Everything felt like a tit.

Oh, there you go.

There we are.

Big pop from the crowd on everything felt like a tit.

Have you ever said that before?

No.

There you go.

That's part of your thing now.

It is.

You could talk about that while talking about what it's like hooking up with big chicks.

That's funny.

Everything felt like a tit.

Keep going.

Tell us more.

You're doing good.

That's probably the best joke we've heard all night.

It just came out of nowhere.

Describe, then what happens?

What's the difference between a fat girl's vagina and a normal girl's vagina?

You got to pick the foopa up.

Okay.

You got to get it out your way.

God, this is disgusting.

Does everything smell like anal?

Like, because of the battle?

Okay, Red Band.

All right, there we go.

Big one.

Jesus Christ.

Fat people tend to bathe themselves, overly bathe.

Did you notice this?

It was clean.

I mean, there was no smells, no nothing.

Yeah, I never thought about that.

Are you ever on bottom with any of these big girls?

Yes.

Okay, and describe to us what that's like.

Describe to us what it's like being waffle house, hash browns,

smothered, covered,

gassed.

Describe to this crowd what it's like being on bottom while someone that's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds is on top of you.

Do they put all their weight on you or are they trying to alleviate some of that?

They can't hold it up.

They can't hold it up.

No, no, no, no.

You can't suck it in that far, you know?

Right.

But it's like, have you ever tried to bench press more than you could?

Yeah.

Is that what you do?

Are you lifting them up sometimes from the bottom position?

Try.

Uh-huh.

Depends on the one that night.

Okay.

And then how do these nights normally end after you hang out with a tender, morbidly obese,

absolutely vomitile, disgusting hookup?

What is it like afterwards?

The last one, I just started farting as much as I could so she'd leave.

I don't like to be mean.

Right.

Yeah, but I just get them out.

You know, post-nut clarity hits a little harder when it's a big girl, so you gotta, you really start working on it.

Yes.

A situation to to be handled immediately.

So do you save these farts early on, starting earlier in the night?

Are you banking farts, knowing like, this is my exit strategy?

I wish I was that good.

No, it was just a, it was a blessing.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Unbelievable.

Absolutely incredible.

What else do you do?

Did I ask you what you do for work?

No.

What do you do for work?

Right now I do valet.

Valet?

Wow.

Okay.

Where at?

Primarily Fogo de Chow.

Fogo de Chow.

Look at that.

You're meeting bitches at an all-you-can-eat Brazilian buffet.

Oh, my God.

You're making money and turning yourself on at the same time.

No better place to be a valet out there sniffing the seats of these big girls

before they

have their...

Brazilian steak.

Wow.

Have you met a chick at Fogo and taken her home before?

No, I fucked that up.

How did you fuck that up?

There was this chick and she was asking me to like take pictures of her, do this, do that.

And then she went to like put some in her car, but on the passenger side.

And she gets on the passenger seat, like puts her knees on the seat so it's just asked a face.

And then she goes around to the other side and starts asking me all these questions.

And it's just...

You think she was giving you an opportunity?

Oh, she gave me like 10 of them, yeah.

Wow, yeah.

And you just weren't having it.

You were out on the street.

She wasn't fat wasn't these normies you're not having it no you now you're at the point to where you can only handle what do you think the minimum weight of a girl that you would want to fuck is now i mean it depends on the height but i'm gonna say 170 175

okay there's someone clapping for 175 in the back just one fucking half fat chick like yeah I got you.

Don't listen to him.

I got you.

All right.

Well, fun times, buddy.

I want to give you a small joke book, but since you're into slightly bigger things, I'm going to give you a medium joke book.

There he goes.

We're keeping it moving.

Aaron Spaller.

Okay.

Time for a golden ticket winner, everybody.

This guy is funny.

This is a brand new minute from one of the newer golden ticket winners.

Make some noise for Colin Sledge, everybody.

Here we go.

Colin Sledge.

One more time for Colin's sledge, everyone.

Thank you.

I'm on Hinge.

This girl on Hinge said, Don't even bother messaging me if you're not in therapy.

So I said, Not only am I in therapy, it is court-ordered.

I'm not even allowed to own a gun in most states.

But God bless Texas.

I tried dating a black girl for the first time.

I wanted her to like me, you know, but I guess we just weren't super compatible.

I remember she asked me, like, do you even know what the G-Spot is?

I was like,

that's where the gangsters be hanging out?

Shit.

I'd be calling it the OG spot.

No, I mean, okay.

Okay, thank you.

Bye-bye.

Colin Sledge has done it again.

Welcome back, Colin.

Thank you.

Is this true you really hooked up with a black check?

No, it was a lie.

Right.

I had a feeling.

I just can't picture it.

I cannot picture it at all.

Not you.

And I can't picture a black woman that would that would hook up with you.

You seem soft-spoken.

It's been close once.

Yeah.

How did you blow that?

Uh I probably just wasn't hot enough.

You're what?

I probably wasn't hot enough.

Oh, geez.

It was close, though.

No, you're a good-looking guy, Colin.

It's when you start talking that you lose everything.

I don't think the heat has anything to do with it.

Yeah, I'm I've noticed noticed I get first dates much easier than second dates.

Huh.

What do you normally do on these first dates with girls?

It varies.

Now it's sometimes comedy shows, but not anymore.

But I went to IKEA once.

That was fun.

Wow, you took a girl to IKEA?

Yeah.

Did you meet her there?

No, it was a Hinge date.

Okay, so what does that mean to you exactly as far as did you meet there or did you pick her up?

We met there.

Right, so you did meet there.

We did meet there, yeah.

Okay, Okay, we went around in a circle there, much like at an IKEA store.

We met on Hinge, and then we agreed to meet at Ikea.

I didn't pick her up.

So did you eat at the IKEA?

Do you have the little meatballs?

I offer to, but she's a vegan, apparently.

Oh,

wow.

A vegan at an IKEA.

Yeah, there was no second date, like I said.

Right.

Yes.

Didn't last long, much like the furniture at IKEA.

They're not a sponsor.

It's okay.

Colin, what else has been going on in life?

I was supposed to go to a vasectomy consultation today, but I came here instead.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

You still have literally the strongest nuts out of everyone that's been on the show tonight.

Yeah, I've noticed.

You are

so

fully ready to go.

Why are you looking for a vasectomy?

It was my parents' idea.

So when I got the golden ticket, my stepmom was like you should consider a vasectomy.

They think you're swimming in puss now.

They think yeah

They're worried which is

I don't I don't really hook up with strangers even if I you know, I'm I'm shy, you know

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, you don't even need a vasectomy.

Well, I mean I get pussy sometimes.

Okay.

And do you have a problem pulling out when that moment comes, when that final moment comes?

Oh, I wear a condom, but I don't know.

Yeah, you don't.

It's not as good.

Would you still wear a condom if you got a vasectomy?

Depends on the person.

Jeez, Colin.

I mean, you got to live life.

I have to call your mom.

I have to tell her you're doing just fine out here.

You're condomed up.

There's nothing.

I've never even heard of someone that wears a condom getting a vasectomy.

That's like putting on your seatbelt if you're just sitting in the driveway.

It's absolutely pointless.

Well, like STDs, right?

Sure, but...

Sure, but

it doesn't happen that often.

You just pop an antibiotic.

You'll be right back in no time.

I'll just be like, don't worry, baby.

Tony said I don't need to wear one.

Don't put it on me.

Blame it on your mom.

Say your mom said.

So Red Band has something he really wants to say again.

I was just saying, how adorable would it be if colin and christina went on a date together

wow there it was red band's last time talking this episode how cool everybody amazing back to the soundboard we go there it is hit the clown horn

that's the bike horn

good job red band good job

Christina, would you ever consider going on a date with Colin?

I think we would spontaneously combust if we both.

It is true.

You're both very shy, very quiet, very nervous.

Also, I only date black guys.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

Look at that.

That's what she says when guys like you want to go on a date with her.

It's incredible.

Absolutely amazing.

Colin,

would you ever consider going on a date with Christina?

I am with someone right now, but if that ever falls through, maybe.

I love if that ever falls through, maybe.

She's going to be maybe just maybe.

All right, Colin.

Well, fun times.

You did it again.

Great set.

Great jokes.

There he goes.

On to the next one.

Jif peanut butter.

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Streaming now on Peacock.

We sell toilet tissue and local newspapers.

That is in order of quality.

From the crew that brought you the office.

My name is Ned Sampson.

I am your new editor-in-chief.

Comes a new comedy series.

Have you read this paper?

Uh-huh.

It sucks.

But we are going to make it better.

Meet the underdog journalists.

I hope it's not too disruptive to have me shake everything off.

Don't be so self-defecating.

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The paper.

Only on Peacock.

Streaming now.

All right.

Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Is a former employee here at Vulcan.

We know this guy.

He was once in a weight loss competition with another human.

Make some noise for Trey Pack, everyone.

Trey Pack.

It's Trey Pack.

When you go back to back, it's Trey Pack.

Here comes Trey.

What do you say?

Hey, he's back.

It's Trey Pack.

Trey Pack.

Oh, there he goes.

Trey Pack.

Oh, how are we doing?

Good to see you guys, man.

Y'all had this girl tell me to come on her C-section scar?

yeah I don't have a joke I just want to talk to somebody about it dude it was my wife you freaks it was my wife man my wife's a dirty bitch dude that's my baby man

my wife likes to choke me in bed any other creeps are you like getting choked in bed hell yeah dude with that haircut it looks like this whole table choked you in the uber on the way over here dog what's going on Don't be ashamed.

Listen, my wife chokes me in bed every single night.

Yeah, she waits for me to fall asleep and she unplugs my CPAP machine.

That's my baby, dude.

I also get that half of y'all aren't convinced I'm not jelly roll.

I'm not.

That's so everybody knows.

I'm married a whore, just not that one, dude.

Yeah, I'm not.

It's not me.

I'm not married either.

That's crazy.

Guys, I've been trade back.

Thank you so much.

Boom, trade pack.

Been doing it for years.

Been on this Vulcan stage numerous times.

Worked here, been on the show.

Weight loss competition.

I believe you gained weight during the week.

Sam Hunter gained.

I lost, but we were all fat.

We all look the same.

Yeah, you look.

People think I'm David Lucas every day.

It's crazy.

I love it.

Absolutely.

So, Trey, update us.

It's been a while since you've been on the show.

What's going on in life?

Man, life's good, man.

I'm not married.

I'm a barber.

That's what I do full-time now.

Life's good.

Just trying to make a fucking dream come true every day.

Okay, how's that going?

How's the good?

It's good, good man i i just got to do the comedy store i got to run into you there that was super cool nice yeah been doing the roast battle thing it's been good man it's been very good yep amazing tray uh i love it any new hobbies or anything the non-comedy related no just drinking and doing drugs and fucking girls dude that's what kind of what kind of drugs are we talking about oh i'm on that cocaine bro really yeah man holy shit

Listen, I don't even like doing drugs.

It's just you do the mullet, cocaine appears in your pocket.

It's crazy.

Tell us about your love of cocaine.

I don't really, I've never, I've never tried it.

I get it.

I get it.

It makes you feel a little like.

Well, have you ever just felt like the best feeling you've ever felt?

Have you ever hit a home run, you score a touchdown?

Imagine hitting a ball and scoring a touchdown and fucking the girl you've always wanted to fuck, and then immediately after just feeling the worst dredge you've ever felt in your entire life.

For an hour.

You get 20 minutes of the most amazing feeling, and then it's awful for five hours.

Huh.

How often do you do this?

I've been trying to quit for a while.

It's kind of hard.

I get it mixed up with powdered sugar every day.

But

I used to, once a week or so, used to be, especially back in the day, yeah.

It was fun.

How do you afford it?

I cut a whole bunch of hair, dude.

I'm a hell of a barber.

Holy shit.

Yeah, man.

Incredible.

Do you only, do you cut anybody's hair that we know?

I got a lot of guys in the shop.

Mike Mike Gonzalez comes by our shop.

Oh, Michael Gonzalez.

That's why he wears a hat all the time.

Okay.

That's why.

Amazing.

Now, Uncle Lazer comes by the shop.

A lot of guys here in town.

Oh, I can see.

Does Uncle Laser come by for haircuts or for that fucking sweet booger sugar that you're kicking out over there?

I mean, listen, we're going to get done what needs to get done.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Rock that haircut out in 10 minutes.

We cut each other's hair the entire time.

I bet.

I bet.

You two little fucking field rats out there.

Little snifflers.

Trey, you're doing good.

Where do you work now?

I work at Beard Brand Barbershop.

And then I picked up a shift here tonight.

I heard Kiltoni was coming back.

I fucking miss it here, man.

So I wanted to come hang out, man.

I love it.

Well, we're happy you did.

You already have a big joke book, right?

Is it filled yet?

I'm sure it is, yeah.

Here you go.

Here's a new one.

Boom.

Oh, shit.

Very good catch.

Trey, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Yes, sir.

absolutely.

Thank you.

Trey Pack, join the secret show.

Boom.

On to the next one.

Your next bucket pull, also inside.

Make some noise.

We're gonna keep it moving along for Tatum Raleigh, everybody.

Tatum Rayleigh.

Yeah,

Tatum Rayleigh.

Here

we go.

Tatum Rayleigh.

We have movement

Tatum Rayleigh.

Okay,

your next bucket pull is Alex James from the inside

First Colt.

Alex James!

I have an English degree from a state school, so it's safe to say that I make more money from doing comedy.

Fuck, I am soaking wet now.

I'm butchering everything.

All right, my girlfriend's 20 years older than me, and she's my former math professor, which worked out great because my math is shit.

And it's interesting dating an older woman because the first time that we slept together, I felt like I was taking her virginity.

So I asked her about it.

She said, all C-sections.

And let me tell you, that pussy was roped off like a museum exhibit.

No kids had passed through there messing things up.

Nothing had been touched in years.

And most importantly, students get in for free.

And that tight pussy kind of made up for those three kids because they were loose as fuck.

Ah, a homeless guy asked me for a dollar.

I said, I have $50,000 in student loan debt in a useless degree.

Do you have a dollar?

I'm 30 and I still live at home with my mom.

And it's weird living at home because I'm one argument away from being homeless.

But on the other hand, I'm one stroke away from becoming a homeowner.

All right.

I'm Alex James.

Thank you guys.

Okay, Alex James, moving fast.

Just rattling them off there.

How long you been doing stand-up?

On and off for two years, but taking it seriously within the last six months.

Six months?

Yes.

Super seriously?

Pretty serious.

Yes, sir.

You're trying your hardest?

I am trying my hardest.

What are you doing?

What are you doing to do that?

Primarily just like hitting as many mics as I can.

And I'm from Boston, so every time we come out here, we can honestly get like

six months' worth of mics in and like, you know, a week or two.

So it really helps.

Right.

Yes.

And you've been here?

How long have you been here?

We just got, oh, we just came for a trip on Saturday.

So this is very surreal because we were going to leave today, but we found out about the show, you know, so we decided to stick around.

You were here with another comedian?

Yes.

Okay.

She's here as well.

Okay, got it.

So let's talk about it, Alex, because that was awful.

So when you say you could do six months' worth of Boston open mics in one week here,

how many open mics are you doing per week in Boston?

Well, my girlfriend will do like three to four, but I admittedly will really only do one.

You and your girlfriend are both comedians.

Yes.

And she's here.

Yes.

What's her name?

Jenny Fitz.

What is it?

Jenny Fitz.

Jenny what?

Fitzgerald.

Jenny Fitz.

Yeah.

This is one of those situations where I'm 100% positive that the girl is more funny than the guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, you stay up here, Alex.

I want you to stand here while your girlfriend buries your legacy.

Make some noise.

This is 60 seconds from Jenny Fitz.

Oh, this is so exciting.

This is how breakups happen, everybody.

It's a long trip back to Boston after you're funnier than your boyfriend.

Oh, yeah, she's got this.

Don't put the mic back in the mic stand.

Fuck it.

And she's got this.

Hold her shit, you fing.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jenny Fitz.

I feel like open mics are a lot like middle-aged sex.

They last three to six minutes, and if you go all six, you're probably trying out some new stuff.

I got divorced a couple years ago, and I started dating a guy 20 years younger than I am.

You guys, when he first brought up birth control, I was like, oh my God, he thinks I still have a period.

That is so flattering.

But I can't have any more kids.

I have three kids.

I have three kids.

And

being a parent as a Gen Xer, it's kind of tough because we weren't really parented.

I realized I was ordering out too much when Uber Eats figured out my custody schedule.

And

I'm totally spacing right now, which has never happened to me before, but I do have one last question.

Oh, no, you know, can I do my shit?

Sure.

Okay, cool.

All right.

We were caught in the rain.

Okay, so the world is so politically correct now.

I'm afraid that my kids are going to say some racist shit like by accident, because the other day one of my kids said to me,

I used to be friends with this Indian girl on the bus, but I'm not friends with her anymore.

Not just because she's Indian, just because she doesn't ride that bus anymore.

I said, buddy, I don't think you meant that first just.

Okay, we're not racist.

If anybody's racist, it's the school.

They're the ones who put her on a different bus.

Okay, that was it.

All right.

We were in the rain.

Did he write that last one for you?

You would think.

Even he's laughing at how unfunny he is.

Unbelievable.

Are you not still so?

I love it.

Welcome, Jenny.

How are you?

I am

wet from the rain.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, we were.

I was going to say, you seem like you'd have an incredibly dry pussy.

We just heard your boyfriend's act, and I'm pretty sure everyone's got a little say in between their legs right now.

All right, Jenny, how long you been doing stand-up?

Two years.

Two years.

How long have you been with

your boyfriend?

Alex,

five years?

Five years.

What was it about this young man that turned that made you interested?

I had just gotten like separated from my husband and I was

in that kind of a mirror.

Like I didn't have, I was in a sexless marriage for like 20 years.

Yeah.

But I thought he was pretty hot.

And

I

he was my student, but he wasn't anymore.

Wait, what kind of student was he?

Here we go.

And we've hit,

we've hit

black gold, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, no, you did it, you did.

My milkshake is larger than your milkshake.

What?

I was lonely.

Okay, so, right.

So,

you were teaching at college.

Yeah, and you took one of my classes.

Oh, my God.

What class was it?

Quantitative reasoning.

Oh, my God.

You know about that?

I'm a math professor, yeah.

So,

that's so, that's my day job.

But, yeah, so, um,

okay,

I

looked up his text his cell phone number in the system, and I texted him, and I asked him if he thought he, like, wanted any help with the math class that he was taking the next semester.

And he said, well, I hired a tutor who costs $100 an hour, and I'm meeting with her on Friday, and I said, I texted him, well, fire her because I can guarantee you I'll be better than any tutor you've ever had.

Wow.

This is amazing.

I wish I looked better.

I was caught in the rain.

I usually look better than this because I'm 50.

I normally don't.

Oh, you're good.

You're good, lady.

You're good.

This guy still has his fucking notes over here.

What are you, what are you handing?

What is going on over here?

Dude, shut the fuck up.

We're talking to this cool ass fucking flirty college professor over here.

Okay, so hold on a second.

First question.

Yep.

How recently were you separated from your husband when you launched this message?

Just a ballpark.

Six months, year, two years?

Three weeks?

Three weeks.

Okay.

Second question.

Yeah.

Had you ever, out of your entire history being a college professor, you could be honest here.

I never did it before, if that's what you're asking.

You never messaged any other student ever?

No.

As a matter of fact, I don't even...

remember thinking he was attractive when he took my class.

I just remembered that we would chat and like he had a really nice personality and he was older than the other students.

He was, you know, because he was like a fuck up and you know, and he went back to college later.

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

I shouldn't have said that.

Amazing.

So there you are.

And how long?

I was 45 and he was 26.

Okay.

Wow.

Yeah.

Incredible.

So

where did the tutoring happen?

Yeah, okay.

So I did go over on Friday.

You went to his place?

Yeah, I went to his place.

I already knew that he lived alone and stuff like that.

How did you know that?

Because when I would chat with him, I would ask him questions like, so

you live alone?

Wow.

Spoken like a true math professor.

I apologize for introduction.

One time I literally asked him if he had a girlfriend.

I was collecting information, but that was kind of toward the end of the course.

And so I just waited.

Because in the handbook, it says we can't

fuck our students unless the course is over.

Yes.

That's in everyone's handbook, by the way.

It's not just any specific college or that's every job.

I had never done it before.

I swear to God.

It's cool.

It's cool.

I hadn't.

You're not going to get in trouble now.

You're good.

No, I have tenure.

Yeah.

Perfect.

You have a 10-year.

You have a 20-year difference.

Okay.

So.

There you are.

You're at his place.

Was there any actual tutoring?

Did you guys crack the books?

yeah because you know i didn't want to make it obvious

no i yeah i did i just like did some math with him and then um how long we talking 20 40 minutes yeah i want to say 20.

less oh

look at old pim daddy over here going away

she couldn't resist

Wow, okay, so about 15 minutes goes by and then what happens?

He says, he was like, I'm going to roll a joint.

And I was like, that sounds good.

I remember one time I joked around with him about swinging by after work.

Okay, is that the other thing?

Is he said, you probably, where do you live?

And, oh, you must drive right by my house on your way to work.

So I heard, like, I knew where he lived and stuff.

So he was, so I was like, oh, you got any beer in the fridge?

And he's like, yeah.

So I was like, yeah, do you like, I'll grab a beer.

And we sat on the couch.

We smoked the joint.

Okay.

And then

I, I think I like, I reached over and I like put my hand on.

Yeah.

Oh, I really.

Shit.

That the old, is this okay?

Yeah, because like you're supposed to ask for forget.

There it is.

Okay.

And then you said, yes, that is okay.

And then.

Oh, oh, I know.

It was, that was like make or break moment because I was like, if he's a bad kisser, then I'm out of here and I'm never going to talk to this guy again.

Right.

But he was a great kisser, so more stuff happened.

Oh, my goodness.

You guys had sex that first?

No.

Me, sucky,

No, we didn't.

You didn't?

I made him wait like almost a month.

Well, because I just, I had only been with one man, other man, in 25 years.

So I just assumed that whoever I had sex with would give me like herpes or AIDS.

So I was like, I can't do that.

And so after a month, I mean, we fooled around, but like, that was all.

Wow.

Incredible.

I think this is like every college kid's fantasy, right?

Is that the nerdy math professor lady kind of fucking

says, I'll be the best tutor you've ever had.

Yeah.

And then the old touch of beer and a joint.

I mean, that's wild.

Oh, it was super hot.

So now you guys have been together for five years.

Yeah.

And you still live in Boston.

Yeah.

And are you still a college professor?

Yeah.

Okay.

Absolutely incredible.

I love it.

And what have you done?

Did you get a degree?

I did.

Okay, well, so what do you want?

What do you do for work?

Talking to the mic?

I'm essentially like her au pair.

So

I take care of her kids.

How old are you?

Oh, Christina Mariani.

So you're bad at math?

How old are the kids?

My oldest is 16, and my twins are 12.

They're all boys.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

Incredible.

Are you aware that your ex-husband has low testosterone?

He's, yeah, he's got something going on that's wrong, but I don't know what it is.

You know about this?

David Lucas, what are you going to say?

I'm just curious, like, from the time you last fucked your ex-husband to the time you fucked him, how long was that?

I don't know, like a year and a half.

Or maybe, I don't know.

It was so long I couldn't remember.

From my math, it was

seven weeks.

No, no, no, no.

Three weeks after.

No, I thought you meant three weeks after we, like, I like moved out.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, but I, I don't know, maybe we hadn't had to do that.

And what did your ex-husband do for a living?

He manages towns, a town.

A town?

The mayor?

Well,

is that the mayor, bitch?

Oh.

He manages a town.

What type of shit is this?

Well, it's the, it's in.

Towns don't have mayors.

They have town managers.

Where the fuck do you live?

Scotland?

Where the fuck?

I haven't been to a town ever.

You've never been to a town?

It's just not a city.

It has fewer people generally.

Y'all niggas don't even live in America, probably.

No, it just locality.

This doesn't even seem real.

I don't even know if this is real.

No, yeah, he's hired, not elected, but yeah, he just runs the town.

What's the town called?

I would prefer not to talk about Louisville.

No,

let's not call out a whole town on this show.

Tony, there's only 1,200 people.

What's the difference between a town and a city, math or town?

Usually it's population, but the form of government is different.

They don't elect a mayor.

They elect a board who hires somebody to manage the town.

So your ex was on that bullshit, so you needed that new new.

I don't think a math professor understands your lingo.

I literally have no idea what he just

was a variable and you needed

a whole number.

Ah, yes.

That's very true.

Yeah.

Yes.

Is that what it is?

I feel seen right now.

Yes, you are correct.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's...

Yeah, it was crazy, though.

And he's going to be so pissed if he ever sees this.

He will.

I'm going to send it to him.

Yeah.

How many towns are in Boston?

In Massachusetts, I

can we not talk about him anymore?

He's gonna find out about that.

I know, and he's gonna be really fucking pissed that he kept kids for an extra night.

He's gonna keep y'all's kids.

That's yeah, he's gonna be really fucking pissed that he kids.

We're gonna see this bitch on the news in three months.

Probably, probably.

This is gonna be the last straw.

This will send him over the edge.

R.I.P.

ahead of time.

Oh, yeah.

Made by the great people over at ghostpatch.com.

They made made us these unbelievable torpedoes that say I bombed on Kill Tony.

It's a very special, it's a level below a little jokebook.

And

Alex, congratulations, you're getting one of those.

And you,

sweet professor, leaving with a medium-sized joke book.

Congratulations.

You are indeed the funny one in the couple.

Not by much,

but shockingly funnier than her babysitter fuckboy, Alex James.

That was Jenny Fitz and Alex James.

There they go.

One of the nerdiest couples I've ever seen in my entire life.

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All right, I believe they wrangled the bucket pool.

Time for the next one.

Make some noise for Tatum Raleigh, everybody.

Tatum Raleigh, is that right?

Tatum Raleigh.

Again, there she is.

Tatum Raleigh, ladies and gentlemen.

My marriage is on the rocks.

The other day, I saw what no good wife should see.

I walked in on my husband.

Excuse me.

I walked in on my husband wiping his ass

and that motherfucker was standing up.

Why?

I don't know.

How long has he been doing that?

Is that why there's fucking keister kibble all on the toilet seat?

I've been trying to solve that riddle for six years.

And you want to know the fucked-up part?

Someone had to have taught him how to do that.

No, I saw that form.

That form was passed down from generations.

He must come from a long line of fucking fecal flickers

who care about no one but themselves, leaving their cracked crumbs for the rest of us

to deal with the crafter math, if you will.

And you don't know hell until you sat on a toilet at 3 a.m.

and thought, did somebody go to the fucking beach?

Whose goddamn sand is this?

Thank you.

My name's Tatum.

Tatum Raleigh.

Holy shit.

Red Band, I didn't realize you were writing for bucketfuls nowadays.

That's all poop jokes.

That's a minute of poop jokes.

I will say, I've done many surveys about this exact same thing, and it's usually 50% do stand up while wiping their ass.

Does it cause the fucking keister kibble?

No, I have never heard of that.

When you say that,

what does that mean?

Where's the poop going?

When you wipe it, you know the toilet paper has like crumbs, right?

Uh-huh.

So if you're sitting down like a normal fucking person,

it should go directly into the toilet bowl, right?

But if you're standing up like my man is, you're fucking flicking that shit for everybody.

And it gets everywhere.

Christina Mariani.

Why are you watching him wipe his ass?

That is.

I walked in on it.

It was an accident.

I couldn't look away, though.

Oh, yeah.

Because by the time I noticed, he still had the toilet paper in his hands.

And there was shit on it.

So I just backed out like one of them penguins from Madagascar.

And I didn't talk to him for two weeks.

But you guys are good now?

No.

Oh.

David Lucas.

Hey, can you turn around and show me how he wipe again?

Wait, stop it.

David.

David.

That's all.

It's a bit.

Hey, baby, I wipe sitting.

I'm like hot as fuck, right?

Well, actually, I got a bidet.

I don't gotta wipe.

Oh, nice.

Well, I'm not Chinese.

What do you want me to do with that?

This bitch stupid.

Tatum, welcome to the show.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Two and a half years.

Two and a half years.

Where at?

All around.

I live in the Houston area, so around there and around here, too.

Awesome.

Do you have a day job?

I'm a mom.

Oh, sweet.

How many kids do you have?

One.

She's five.

One five-year-old girl.

What's that like?

Hell.

Yeah.

Don't do it.

Strep throat, if you fuck on it and you're on antibiotics, it'll give you a baby because the antibiotics cancel out your birth control.

So don't fuck on strep throat.

Wow.

Christina Mariani.

Can she wipe her ass?

No.

Is your husband teaching her?

Yes.

This is insanity.

What's happening here?

It's a whole two-thirds of the family can't wipe their ass properly.

Hey, but I can.

Good job.

Thank you.

Good job, Tatum.

I love it.

Okay.

What else do you normally talk about?

Because that was a minute of your husband wiping his ass jokes.

What type of material?

By kids, I got married to a man that I met on Tinder 14 days prior.

Wow.

Yeah.

I was drunk.

Uh-huh.

I want to tell you I felt like a tingle in my heart or my pussy, but that was bullshit.

Right.

Have you ever heard of twisted tea?

Uh-huh.

It was 13 of those.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Wow.

Do you still drink a lot?

Not at all.

Okay.

Yeah.

Thank you.

What do you do to

what are like hobbies of yours?

Anything fun?

Comedy and being a mom pretty much takes up most of my time.

I love it.

And cleaning up butt dust, I guess.

Butt dust?

This is a real.

Your bathroom's a disaster.

It really is.

Fucking war zone.

Frightening.

So the husband isn't the father of the kid?

He is.

I got pregnant two months after I married him drunkenly at 19.

Oh my god.

Yeah, I'm only 25.

Wow.

Ages you to have a kid.

Okay.

And what does he do?

He's a CWI and a QAQC.

It's a certified welding inspector, and he works in the quality control.

Oilfield.

Oilfield.

Very good.

There you go.

Unbelievable.

Okay.

And does that mean he's gone for months at a time?

And then

he works from home.

He travels like two weeks out of a year, maybe.

Wow.

There it is.

Butt dust.

Yep.

All right, Taylor.

Well, Tatum.

Close enough.

There you go.

Okay.

Okay.

You know what?

Do you ever skateboard?

I have.

You have skateboarded?

Yeah.

Okay.

We have a Kill Tony skateboard.

Colt makes these.

And he puts it up here just in case somebody skateboards.

I find that your charisma is better than a small jokebook, but the jokes weren't quite good enough for a big jokebook.

So you're leaving here with the first ever Kill Tony skateboard.

Look at that.

That's fair.

Not bad enough for the torpedo.

Not unlikable enough for a small joke book.

But only talked about butt dust.

Alright.

Are we having fun out there tonight?

Back to the Bucket Wego.

Make some noise for Cameron Illig, everybody.

Cameron Illig is next on Kill Tony.

The number one live podcast in the world.

Oh, we know Cameron.

This is Cam Patterson's friend, Cam Illick.

My girlfriend's mad at me because she said, hypothetically, if we had a daughter and our daughter started OnlyFans, would you be upset about that?

And I said, yes, I would.

And then she yelled at me.

She said, that's because you're not progressive for women.

And I said, listen, bitch.

It's the opposite.

I'm the progressive one.

You think our daughter is only good for her big tits.

I think my daughter could be whatever she wants to be.

My daughter could dream.

My daughter could be a lawyer.

My daughter could be a pilot for spirit.

My daughter.

My daughter could be a surgeon, not mine, but somebody's.

You know, I have big hopes for her, you know?

And I just think it's weird because your daughter is 50% you.

So if your daughter has an OnlyFans, then it's like, this is not how I wanted to start a family business.

That's not what I wanted to do.

But your daughter's...

That's why I think it's okay if your son has an OnlyFans.

I would be fine with that.

If my my son had an OnlyFans, that's okay.

Because if my son can sell our penis,

Godspeed, brother.

I have been trying to give this thing away for free my whole life.

How did you figure this out?

All right, thank you.

Cameron Illig.

We know him well.

Famously moved here from Orlando, Florida with his best pal, Cam Patterson, years ago, two years or so, right?

About two years, two and a half.

Yep.

So how's life going for you?

Jokes are good.

Comedy's good.

Graduated.

Graduated from college?

Yes.

You fuck your math tutor.

I fucked my math tutor.

I have a thing for Asians.

What did you get a degree in?

In data analytics.

What?

It's some bullshit.

It doesn't matter.

Clearly not English.

It's what computers do.

Oh, I said data analytics.

There you go.

Okay.

Sorry, not bad.

It was fast.

Data analytics.

Data analytics.

I've been hanging out with with Cam too long.

It comes out.

Right.

Daddy Analytics.

He hasn't been able to find his data in a long time.

No, I'm kidding.

We all know his dad.

He's an easy guy to find.

Yes.

He's always there.

Cam, tell us more.

What's going on in your life?

I don't know.

I'm trying to be cooler.

Yeah, that ain't happening.

Yeah.

I know.

I have one look.

It's not cool.

It's not nerd, but it's not cool, which sucks.

You look like every backup college quarterback.

The quarterback takes a rough hit.

You see this guy starting to toss the ball around on the sideline like, oh, boy.

We have not seen Cameron Illig in a game.

This is going to be his first time taking snaps on the field.

He is a four-star high school recruit out of a town with no mayor, only a manager.

And here he is, also known as the butt-dust assassin.

He's coming in.

He famously lost a testicle at one point.

And

no.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Did you play sports growing up?

I did.

I played soccer and baseball.

Right.

Yeah, I tried to play football, and then I only wanted to play kicker, and they said, if you only play kicker, you're a f ⁇ .

So you can't play kicker.

They wanted me to play a different position.

I was like, no, I don't want to get hurt.

Right.

Don't want to get hurt.

Yeah.

Okay.

How about now in life, Cameron?

How's life going?

What's your love life like?

You seem like the kind of comedian that would make a joke about having sex with a black woman that actually hasn't.

Have you ever been with a black woman?

Of course.

Really?

Of course not.

You didn't let me finish.

Right.

But do you have a joke about hooking up with a black woman?

Do I?

No.

No, I have black roommate jokes.

Of course.

But

no, no black, no black.

How about normal, nor regular old, what's your dating life like?

I have a girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend.

How long have you been with her?

Two years now.

What does she do?

Well, now she's in England.

She just serves bartenders.

In England?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Your girlfriend is in England?

Yeah, she goes to a different country.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

How long has she been in England, bro?

You know, if I say bro at the end of the question, it's not good.

This imaginary girlfriend of yours.

It's been about six months.

She's pregnant and I've

you're kidding.

Yes, right.

Okay.

Yes.

But it has been six months?

Well, there's been like she's been here for like two months at a time type of thing.

What do you mean?

I went over there.

What do you mean?

Because you have to, you just can visit.

You can't stay there forever.

You can stay for like three months, I think.

So she goes, she's an American?

Yeah.

No, no, she's English.

Okay.

And so when's the last time you saw her?

Uh

March.

Okay.

How often do you guys talk every day?

I'm gonna cry.

Yeah, I know.

This is sad.

I think we're all gonna cry because we're realizing that your girlfriend's getting dicked down by some fucking

London is broiled right now.

David Lucas.

What bar does she work at in England?

I don't fucking know.

Because I go there in two weeks.

I want to fuck her.

Oh, you're too big.

Too big.

Nah, nigga.

No, yeah, for sure.

You look gay.

Uh-oh.

I can take your girl.

Wow, got real here for a second.

He just, David, looked a man in the eyes and said, I'm going to fuck your girlfriend.

She ain't never had stomach on her forehead, nigga.

I'm going to show her what it's about.

You got to fit through the door first.

No, shit.

Oh,

my God.

This is not turning into a rose battle.

I don't know what y'all think.

Oh, my God.

I don't want it to be there.

I love you.

Wow.

Okay.

Cameron, anything else crazy we should know about you?

No.

I mean,

I want to be cooler, so I go to rock shows.

That's my thing.

Rock shows?

That's what I think is cool.

That's in my head, is what is cool.

You go to rock shows?

Yeah, because you know, we're in Austin.

Like rock and roll.

It's a live performing music, you know, city.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, so

I went to a hardcore rock show.

And what do you do with these things?

Do you stand in the back with a bottle of water?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can pay me $30,000 to dance.

I don't know how anybody danced unironically.

Really?

Yes.

You don't think we could pay you $30,000 to dance?

Yes, I do, actually.

What's happening?

I'm not going to pay you anything, but I want to see.

Give me some dance music.

No, you have to do it, Cameron.

You're not leaving here until you dance.

Well, what's a dance?

We're going to hold you hostage.

What's your dance?

Whoa.

What's your dance?

See this shit.

All right, this is gay.

Get out of here.

Get out of here, Cameron.

You already have a joke book, right?

Yeah.

Okay, there he goes.

Cameron Elliot.

Told you.

He had a dance.

The guy had a dance.

Heidi refilling the never-ending gullet of David Lucas yet again.

Another drink for David up here.

It's apple juice if you're wondering what David's drinking.

Diabetic jet fuel.

Apple juice.

Every diabetic's favorite beverage.

Welch's apple juice.

Alright.

Your final bucket pull pole of the night goes by the name of Timmy No Breaks Timmy No Breaks

Ooh I think I heard a pop from the comedian section there

Timmy no brakes

Wind if he moves his leg the whole stage shakes Timmy no brakes

Timmy no brakes

Timmy no breaks

Forgot how long it takes for people to get to

Yeah, like you said, my name's Timmy No Breaks.

And you might wanna

buckle the fuck up.

Get this.

I was at the nuts store.

I was buying nuts.

I go up to the fucking waiter thing.

The woman's like, that's going to be $100.

I was like, bitch, I got fucking bills to pay.

You guys ever heard of a fucking punchline?

What the f?

Alright, don't worry.

You're going to love this one.

Get this.

I was at the doctor.

Yeah, the fucking doctor.

I go up to this doctor.

He's like, Timmy, no breaks.

You have cancer.

You need treatment.

I'm like, what are you talking about?

I'm a healthy guy.

I'm a young boy.

He's like, you need treatment.

I'm like, how much is that going to cost?

He's like, $100.

I was like, bitch, that's a good deal.

This is great A shit.

This is good shit, what the fuck?

Timmy,

no breaks.

Everybody.

Wow.

What the fuck?

Timmy.

Hi, Timmy.

Did you just watch dice once?

Yeah, I've heard that before.

What do you really like?

How long you been doing stand-up?

Too long.

Too much.

Two months.

All right.

Oh my gosh.

Where are you from?

Jersey.

Jersey.

All right.

Timmy No Books.

Oh, wow.

Okay, Timmy.

He's having the time of his life.

Yeah, this is good.

So, Timmy, you've been doing stand-up for two months?

Yeah, two months.

How old are you?

I'm 18.

How old are you, Timmy?

that's rude that's okay how old are you how old are you to me i'm 24

really

guy that's fucking how old are you

how old are you timmy 24 years old really yes

this is fucking guys come on i'm a guest here what the fuck

I'm 36.

There it is.

There it is.

Timmy, what have you been doing your whole life up until this point?

I worked for my father for a long time.

He was a fishing man.

And so I worked for him and then, you know, got caught up in some shit.

Like what?

I did some time.

It was Coke.

I was a Coke guy.

I did some Coke shit and then,

you know,

got out and

I found stand-up and I, you know, never looked back.

How long did you go?

This is my life.

How long were you in jail for?

I was two months.

Two months.

Everything's two months with you.

No, not everything is two months.

It's also $100.

Yes, two months and a hundred dollars.

Holy shit.

It's a fucking black Kool-Aid man.

Boom, roasted.

Got your ass, bitch.

Wow, Timmy, no breaks.

Got your ass, bitch.

Timmy, no breaks.

Again, just fully committed to this

to this character.

Timmy,

what do you do for fun in real life now?

Are you still on Coke?

No, you know, I just

yes.

Yes, you are.

Do you live in Austin now?

Yeah, I moved here.

How long have you lived here?

Two months.

Timmy, no breaks.

Timmy, no breaks.

Getting the lights to change in the room.

Timmy, how do you make money?

I shell weed.

You sell Coke.

No, I sell weed now.

I'm straight.

I'm straight.

I'm straight.

I'm straightish.

What?

Fucking Dr.

Evil, goddamn.

Boom, roasted.

Look at this, bitch.

What are you drinking?

Fucking gay shit?

God damn.

Boom.

Unbelievable.

Unreal.

I'll take that golden ticket, bitch.

Oh, my God.

I'll take that golden ticket, bitch!

Timmy, you're not even getting a big joke book, Timmy.

That's fine.

I don't write.

We know, Timmy.

We saw your act.

Don't you know what a punchline is?

One of your famous lines.

Timmy, tell us something about you other than the fact that

you did cocaine.

Just give us one more little tidbit about you.

Yeah, I mean,

I love my mother.

Yeah.

I love that bitch.

It's not that interesting, but it's true.

Yeah, sorry.

Is she proud of you?

She's not.

She passed away

two months ago.

Yeah.

It was, yeah, it was hard.

Did you bury her or did she get boom roasted?

No, we burnt her uh you know she was in a kiln or whatever you know what I mean and uh how did she die embarrassment

that's my fucking mother you're talking about gay guy

this guy's gay

Timmy you're a funny guy dude you're a funny guy Timmy I like your style normally I hate anything that sounds at all like Andrew Dice Clay, who was literally doing your act 45 years ago, but I look at you.

All right, all right, Timmy.

If I had to give your interview and set a grade on a report card, I would give it a...

A.

There he goes.

Timmy, no breaks.

Wow, he he immediately gives it to a fan.

He gives it right to an audience member.

Unbelievable.

A man of the people.

A man of the people.

Timmy no breaks.

Wow.

What an amazing force of nature.

Oh, the guy gave it back.

Very good, sir.

Very good.

You know what?

Just because you're a good guy, here's a little joke book.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this.

We need to wash out the memory of Timmy No Breaks, and there's only one way to do it.

There's one human, ladies and gentlemen, who is yet another Kill Tony Hall of Famer.

The record holder for all-time appearances on the show.

The record holder for all-time interviews on the show.

He's very excited to be back at Vulcan Gas Company, the simple container box where we held the show for years while waiting for the mothership to be built.

This guy became one of the most popular comedians in the world.

He's now touring all over.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler,

the one, the only, the big red machine.

This is William Montgomery.

How is it going, Vulcan Gas Company?

Weirdly enough, it's actually been two months since I've last been here.

And also, it's always so nice when I go out by the broom closet, I think about Han sexually assaulting women up there.

So it's always nice.

Hold on, I'm actually getting a telephone call.

Let me see.

Mincea?

Hello?

Yeah, no, I actually do not want to join.

Biden's got terminal prostate cancer.

Say what you will about Hillary Clinton, but that bitch bitch is creative.

And for those who don't know about Mintz, I actually have a really high IQ, people.

That's

and that was whistle while you twerk climbing up to the number eight spot.

Once again, I'm Casey Kasem and don't forget Bush did 9-11.

Hey, Red Band, I can't remember what you said last night.

What is the best back-to-school gun?

It's so weird.

Red Band gets these fantasies about shooting up schools and he tells me when these guns go on special.

Tony, that is my time.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

God, that other guy was so good, Tony.

I'm down there thinking, I'm not going to follow this dude.

I can tell.

I can tell.

You seem a little shell shit.

Fucking Minsa calls me right when I'm up here.

That's so embarrassing.

Yeah.

It's hard to follow Timmy No Breaks.

I mean, the guy did something we've never seen before.

He gets tossed a big joke, book says, fuck this, gives it to someone in the front row.

Yeah, well, by the way, Bones Eye is pissed.

Bonesai, the guy who makes those, literally is pissed right now.

Well, I mean, I just think.

Timmy No Breaks is so charismatic that I feel like if Bones Eye went up to start shit with Timmy No Breaks, Timmy No Breaks would make Bones Eye make him a brand new leather jacket by the end of it.

I just think Timmy No Breaks is a force of nature.

I don't know.

Well, he's got a gun.

I literally bought a gun from him last weekend in the alleyway behind here.

Seriously.

Yeah.

That's why I was so nervous.

He's like, don't talk about the gun.

And it's like, well, I got to talk about it.

But so nice to be back here at Vulcan.

Yeah, talk about it.

How does it make you feel?

What do you remember about this place?

Oh, my gosh.

Just how hot and sweaty it would get

up in the fucking broom closet.

I would be up there with Hans.

And we weren't doing anything bad, but it would just get so hot and sweaty.

And I would just watch Hans, and we'd have the drones going.

You and Hans used to do drugs in that broom closet.

Am I correct?

We did one time, one weekend.

The first weekend I was in Austin, I was still doing a bunch of cocaine.

So I'd start to do it in the broom closet with Hans.

Yep.

No doubt about it.

And look at you now.

Clean and sober, camouflage shorts.

Yeah, I'm wearing these a lot right now to

like those yeah i like these and i realized after hanging out with hans in the closet i don't like asian people that much and

it was right when you had the stuff going on with that guy

the asian yeah the asian guy and i'm thinking what is going on tony just hired some asian guy this is the spot this is happy asian heritage month everybody

i forgot all about it i know i'm kidding those were wild times it was it was wild times to think that that would end up being my second biggest cancellation is pretty crazy because that was the news for a couple days yeah

what when you were on Roseanne saying the stuff

what

oh I thought you were talking about for the second cancellation or which one

that that thing I did for the president of the United States a few months ago.

Yeah.

So William, what's going on in life?

What are you passionate about this week?

Oh my gosh.

Well, Tony, it's actually kind of strange.

I started doing these paint-by-number things.

It's like this watercolor.

And Tony, I'm just loving all the different colors I can use to paint the watercolors.

Yeah, dude, we're talking about, oh, my gosh, all different kinds of colors.

What are some of your favorite colors?

Shit, maybe a yellow.

And sir, where are you going?

Sir, what's your favorite color, dumbass?

Seriously, what's your favorite?

I get the feeling it's not black.

That guy looks like a real Texan right there.

What are some more of your favorite colors?

Yeah, maybe like a beige.

Ooh, not beige.

I don't really like that color that much.

God, maybe like an indigo.

Oh,

no, y'all do it a little, maybe maybe more without.

They play.

Maybe like a brown.

Yeah, they feed off of your energies, William.

I don't know if you've noticed that.

Maybe a

polka dot.

Wait.

That's not as fun, though.

Polka dot isn't a color.

Yeah, that's not even a color.

Tony, how am I already running out of colors?

I thought, okay,

I'm going to choose colors tonight why don't you just look around and uh

oh my gosh maybe a green

I'm running out Tony there's people yelling colors at you

everybody wants you to say brown it seems right now You want to say it?

Brown!

Give me a better color.

Somebody give me a better color.

Ooh.

Ooh, maybe a burgundy.

No,

hold on, like a burgundy.

Ooh, magenta has been called.

Do you like magenta?

Magenta?

Red man, help me!

Dummy!

Everybody thought you said red man.

Struggly!

Red, red.

Red, red.

Not very passionate about these colors.

I thought you loved colors.

I was lying a little, Tony.

Wow.

We've never seen you quite like this before, William.

Any other colors that perhaps you're excited about?

Oh my gosh.

I didn't even think about Seafoam Green!

Seafoam green?

Seafoam green.

I think you already said green, but Seafoam Green is like a lighter.

It has blue in it.

Any other colors before we get out of here tonight that you'd like to passionately name?

There's some people up in the upper deck.

Suggested.

Turquoise!

Fulking Cas Company!

David Help, dude.

David and William, famously old friends, the first two

other than Michael Lair, first two members of the Hall of Fame here in Kiltone.

I used to watch David have sex with women in the hotel rooms.

I would be hidden in the closet.

I'd be like, dude, are you sure this is okay?

And he'd throw me one of his shirts.

It'd be like, just get under the shirt and it's okay.

which was so sweet be i'd be having a lover in the fucking closet and he's having sex with these women on beds and what's funny is that

from my seat everybody would have thought that you were just kidding william but i can hear david go stop it

I fucking love it.

William Montgomery, you did it again.

We did it again.

That's another episode of Kill Tony brought to you by Express VPN via an incogni ladies and gentlemen

how about one more time for christina mariani everybody christinamariani calm follow her on instagram c-r-i-i-m-a-r-i-i david lucas as fishing with david lucas davidlucascomedy.com the drawing from ryan j e belt is in and it is stunning it is indeed christina mariani and david lucas we have to reset the room let's go red band love you guys.

Thank you.

We love you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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