#722- BRIAN SIMPSON + YANNIS PAPPAS

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Bick coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get over Tony H.

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The great

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This is indeed D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

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Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh?

Every single week, I book one or two of the best comedians in the world.

This is a two-comedian panel tonight.

Two of who I believe are truly two of the best comedians working today.

Monsters, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Giannis Pappas and Brian Simpson.

Oh, yeah.

Let's fucking go.

Giannis Poppins.

His new YouTube special property owner out now on the History Hyenas YouTube.

And Brian Simpson has live from the mothership on Netflix.

Shot here.

Here we are.

Welcome, gentlemen.

Welcome back, boys.

How are you guys?

Good, good.

Things have been good.

Good to see you again.

We're going to have some fucking fun tonight.

You're just as red as I remember.

That's me.

That's me.

Filled with testosterone, hot yoga.

I sauna before this.

I basically do everything to be as red as possible.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

The red man takes the opposite approach.

He's a beautiful gray tonight, a stunning gray.

He sits on his couch and does virtual reality until six in the morning the night before.

He's lacking sleep and vitamins.

His hat is covered in cat hair.

You probably can't see that.

He's a disgusting pig.

But I'm red.

You are correct.

I'm red.

Brian Simpson, welcome back to the show.

Yeah, man.

I'm always higher than I planned on being.

It is unbelievable.

You look so high.

I've never seen a black Asian man before, but those eyes are closed, buddy.

My goodness gracious.

I'm having a good time.

I love it.

You and D-Madness look like two different generations of absolutely blind people.

It's incredible.

225 human beings signed up for this show tonight.

Anything can happen.

They're all piled into a bar next door.

If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriwest Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

I conduct an interview and we find out more about them.

Maybe more about their crazy lives, what they could talk about on stage, or just an overall interesting interview.

I'm going to go with this Peanut Min M right here.

I'm going to let him pick the first name.

Peanut M ⁇ M with sunglasses on the top of his head just to fucking be cool, you know what I mean?

Because the sun's already down, dude.

Maybe it comes back out tonight, dude.

Fucking, I'll just keep these right here just in case.

Good old yellow MM, one of my favorites.

While we go wrangle that comedian from next door, we have a golden ticket winner who's gonna get the show started with a brand new 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise.

You know him.

You love him.

This is David Jolly, everybody.

Here we go.

How y'all doing today, white people in Puerto Rico?

Hell yeah.

I've been in Texas now for two years.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Finally make two years.

I like the Mexicans out here.

Y'all different than like Florida Mexicans.

Hell yeah.

Only thing I don't like is as soon as y'all and Buila get over here, y'all get them a job at Walmart.

And I think that's bullshit because them people rude as hell.

I went up to the lady the other day.

I was like, hey,

Tia,

can you tell me where an anti-personary deodorant is?

And she said, me don't speak English.

I was like, this bitch is rude, ain't she?

But it's amazing how I go back to my car and I put on my homemade ice shirt.

Now everybody speaks English.

I go back in there and say, that same lady, hey, you know what a deodorant is at now?

Howdy, partner.

You looking for an an anti-personal deodorant?

That's J22, Buckaroo.

I go down to get the deodorant.

I come back.

This bitch sang in the Star Spangler Banner.

I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

Thank y'all.

That's my time, man.

Y'all get a bunch of thumbs.

Damon.

Charlie.

Yeah, yeah.

Appreciate that.

So the Latina women, they, when you wear an ice shirt, they know English all of a sudden.

Yeah, they know it real good.

Yeah.

Good old Texas accent and all.

And did they go, did they have have to unlock the deodorant for you from the locked-up case or whatever Walmart you're shopping at?

You gotta unlock it for everybody, motherfucker.

Well, I don't know if it's for everybody, we all got different Walmarts in different neighborhoods, if you know what I'm saying.

Oh, no, it's definitely a lock on the one I go to.

It's definitely a lock, absolutely.

I like them when it be like crackheads in front of the stove, you know what I mean?

That's my maybe feel good about myself.

I'm doing better than them.

Because you used to be that.

No, I ain't never been a crackhead.

I've been pretty broke.

I've been pretty broke, man.

Yeah.

Still look like it.

Brian Simpson.

It's funny.

He said he never been a crackhead, but he looked like they could send him undercover with crackheads.

No doubt.

You could totally play an undercover crackhead.

You could play an overcover crackhead.

You could go in and be the alpha of the crackheads, like that King Charles dog.

Like you could go and calm down the other crackheads just by your presence.

All the other crackheads chill out of bed.

If them niggas paying, we can start this job today.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't give a damn.

Absolutely.

You feel me?

Oh, I feel you, David.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel you.

Very, very rough skin.

I feel you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I just put on lotion, but it kind of like, you got to put it on like three different layers when it's.

Y'all don't know what I'm talking about.

Don't worry about it, man.

We all know what you're talking about.

You look.

You don't even wear lotion, Tony.

Surprisingly, I do, David Jolly.

I don't have to.

I wouldn't turn into absolute dust if I didn't like you, but I still do it.

It's for aging reasons so that I don't become an undercover crackhead like you.

White people still can use lotion.

There are many benefits.

Fuck you, Tony.

How's life been, David?

What's going on in real life?

Yeah, man, everything good.

Back in the days, you know, like, I'd be bored at a house now, so I'm about to start playing bingo.

You're going to play bingo at your house?

house no i'm gonna go to the one that's on uh being white boulevard it closes at like 10 30.

hey them old ladies be they be intense in that motherfucker boy they be using some words right old slurs you know what i mean yeah them hoes professionals in that motherfucker you hear me hell yeah a lot of a lot of lot of n's in that game of bingo a lot of n's and c's and j's

one bitch called me a z i ain't never heard a z that's crazy brian simpson i don't think you should be shocked to hear somebody say, nigga, on Ben White Boulevard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I know it.

I'm getting myself into.

I'm ready.

They've been white.

Yeah, they've been white a long time.

Ben White is a real street, for those of you wondering.

It's a very famous street here.

They got a nice bingo hall over there.

It closed like 10.30.

They really do.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you even know about this?

Because I've been Googling.

I be Googling a lot.

Googling what?

Places to rob?

I have a feeling you're going to be showing up at 10.30 in the parking lot.

It's a lot of dollar bills in there, motherfuckers.

I got robbed by six feet of dust.

I swear.

Oh, man.

Fuck you, Tony.

That sounds like some good merch, a good old fuck you, Tony shirt.

I probably would sell.

I might need to go make that bitch tonight.

You know I make shirts, right?

I bet you do make shirts.

I do.

i'm serious absolutely anything to make that dollar bill baby abs absolutely no doubt about it you feel me okay again

and again we definitely do anything else crazy going on david jolly before we keep a million just living a dream and dropping this content just you know the same role you know being a comic and uh living the dream baby you feel me yep what's your instagram so that people can see the stuff you're making you're making some funny stuff

up right now yeah

Pope, the Black Pope.

Oh, you seen it?

You checked it out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Tony.

That's all right, Tony.

That's all right.

It's Mr.

D.

Jolly on Instagram and Facebook.

All of that shit is Mr.

D.

Jolly, man.

I appreciate that, Tony.

There you go.

David Jolly got the show started for us, and like that, it has begun.

And now, we go to the bucket.

This is where shit gets a little wacky, because we're meeting people.

We knew David before this.

We knew we'd have a new good minute.

This is where anything can happen.

We could be one of the next great comedians of the future.

Could be an absolute fucking idiot.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from your first bucket pull.

He goes by the name of Justin Platts, everyone.

Justin Platts.

What is up, you trap-ass hoes?

How we living?

My name's Justin, and Justin likes busting.

That's right.

I can prove it.

I've got a kid.

I know what you're thinking.

This is a supervised visitation and/or alternating weekend dad face it best, right?

No way.

This is a full custody father, people.

That's right.

That's right.

Thank you.

And my son just graduated high school.

He just graduated high school with a sports scholarship.

That's right.

I did not think the puberty blockers were going to work that well either.

So

you're just as surprised as me.

I was fucking skeptical.

Yeah, my son is 18, and

he just turned 18, and he pissed me off really bad the other day.

He pissed me off so bad, I actually turned in his draft registration card.

Yeah, I'm hoping that this Ukraine conflict kicks up so that way I can put Empty Nester on my bumble profile, you know?

And it not be a lie.

That's right, I am back on the dating apps.

One thing I've learned about dating apps, you can't be totally honest on those things, right?

For example, this is six foot four on all the platforms right now.

Yep.

All right, that's my time.

Okay,

Justin Klatz.

Welcome to the show, Justin.

You really have a...

He's 18?

Yes, he just turned 18.

Is that your only kid?

Actually, he's about to turn 19, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Yep, only kid, one and done.

Wow.

Snip, snip.

How long were you with the baby mama?

About an hour, actually.

Wow.

Look at that.

That's all it takes.

Pretty good.

Absolutely incredible.

We're able to make a child that fast.

It only takes a second, apparently.

Yep.

Yep.

And what's the kid doing?

What does he do for work?

He works at the Plasma Center currently, so he's killing it.

He's pretty interesting.

Is he works there?

Is he donating plasma?

He's donating plasma, yeah.

He's donating plasma.

Really?

I've been trying to get him to get a job, and he's just not about that life.

Wow.

How do you inspire him?

What do you do for work?

I work in commercial solar, like solar construction, primarily.

Okay.

Are you good at it?

No, I suck at it, but.

All right.

What do you do for fun, justin uh for fun i like to ride my my dirt bike around i live in colorado that's primarily what i do ride that dirt bike smoke the weed you know okay you ride it unofficially i wouldn't actually i don't really do that what what on cameras i don't do that but you know i got a real job

okay

all right just it's a union gig so this is

well you already said it now everyone knows you smoke pot you're gonna have to deal with that later buddy i tried it once in high school school.

That was all it was.

All right, Justin.

All right.

What was your childhood like?

Were your parents there for you?

Yeah, I don't know.

It was fun.

What do you mean by fun?

My mom worked.

My dad kind of hung out.

It was cool.

What did your mom do for work?

She worked in a lot of factories.

Wow.

Yeah.

And your dad stayed at home while your mother was working in factories.

Pretty much.

He would make us clean the house and take the credit, actually.

So he's a smart guy.

Incredible.

And you live in Colorado now?

I sure do, yeah.

What part?

Denver.

Okay, in the city?

Thornton, technically, yeah, but North Denver.

North Denver.

Represent.

North Denver.

Okay, yeah.

You're not in Denver, so it's hard to represent here.

Brian Simpson.

I feel like we're talking to two different people, and I only like one of them.

Is this a dating app right now?

Wow, this is.

Justin, are you really on on dating apps?

Sadly, yeah.

Okay, and how does that go for you?

Not going good, Tony.

Have you been on a date from it?

Not in a while, no.

Not in a while, so yes.

Not in a long time.

It's just a lot of empty chatting, you know?

No, I don't know.

Don't know.

You're not on it.

I'm asking you.

I'm trying to gather the information so that we could talk about it.

It's very hard to get answers.

I forget everyone's not this alone.

You're afraid your solar bosses are listening all of a sudden.

Your solar overlords.

Well, cheating on those drug tests is not cheap, dude.

Now you're fired.

I mean,

I wouldn't do that.

Obvious now.

You and your son are going to be dirt biking high together for a while.

Does he still live with you?

Yeah, kind of.

He goes back and forth between my house and his mom's house.

At 18.

Yeah, he's a big mama's boy, so one of my...

I can't argue with it, you know?

You could.

You're you're the father.

Yeah, you could literally inspire him to get his life together.

I try, like, I'll threaten to take away the cell phone or the car or something.

It just doesn't have the same effect at my, you know, when I was that age.

You cut off the internet, though.

You can really get to him, you know?

That's when you can really.

What does he do if there's no internet?

Oh, he'll have a real big fit.

It's fun.

It's like, damn, I actually feel like you love me right now.

Let me turn the internet back on.

wow this is all so bizarre child

i'm sorry guys i mean red band has a question i mean for 18 you know like he doesn't have any job do you get you guys still give him money i've been asking him to get a job no i have not given him money in a while he's been going to the plasma center to make ends you can only make so much money yeah you realize your kid's gonna run out of blood soon i dude i tell him i'm like that's precious dog you gotta hold on to that stuff but can't get through to these kids you know how long have you been doing stand-up about four years four years my god all of it there in denver the comedy work kind of yeah yeah kind of hitting the denver scene kind of hard right hitting it hard you take your you take your dirt bike to shows uh yeah because the parking is so convenient you know you just put it on the sidewalk no give us some more white trash things about you you're you know we're grazing

we're grazing upon it with the dirt bike i want to know more about you let's just delve a little more into justin i'm really into like leftover foods probably oh yeah here we go.

Okay, let's talk about it.

We all, it's a big leftover food audience we have here tonight.

Tell us what your limits are.

So let's say you had like chicken and rice, right, for dinner or something.

Let's say it's grilled chicken.

That's part sub, you know.

That's what?

That's mid.

That's what the kids would call mid.

But why?

Why would they call the chicken and rice mid?

Well, you know, like.

For example, when I'm eating like leftover chicken curry, I like that because the inside of my microwave will actually match my toilet bowl.

And decor is important.

Justin, why don't you just stick with the easy questions that I'm asking you, trying to set you up for success here, and you keep turning this into a

Colorado open mic fucking.

True.

The toilet look like a dirty microwave by the time I'm done with it.

You fucking idiot.

So let's talk about it.

I'm curious to know.

You're into leftovers.

So how far would you let it?

You brought up chicken curry.

Let's go chicken curry.

Let's say you order chicken curry at nighttime.

We'll say 6 p.m.

even, early evening dinner, right?

What's the longest you'll let that chicken curry?

Now, are you keep it out lukewarm leftover?

Are we talking into the refrigerator leftovers?

Well, it depends on the amount of curry in there because that kind of like keeps it stable for a while.

You're trying to overthink everything that I'm asking you.

These are all simple questions.

We're all setting it up.

Say a week, one week.

Oh, that's fucking disgusting.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, that's terrible.

That's not good.

How about in the refrigerator?

How long in the refrigerator?

No, I know, I know.

Nobody laughed.

It's crazy, but uh.

Brian Simpson.

I think we figured out why he's not getting no dates off the apps.

Yeah, because he's shitting his pants.

I'm going to check in with my senior leftover correspondent, Brian Redband, here.

Who is the master of leftovers?

He will have leftovers until there are none left over.

He dilapidates them.

Leftovers fear fear this man.

When they go into the refrigerator, they know, oh, we're gonna see that face again.

This is the last face that leftovers see before they become nothing leftovers.

I hate leftovers.

Whoa,

Mr.

Fresh over here.

Like a fresh.

I keep it out for a couple hours just to see if I want to dig back in, but other than that, I have the girl eat it.

It is true.

I will leave things out for about an hour or two.

Truth be told, I will like it because I'm a bit of a waster, right?

You know, I've worked hard.

I've worked very hard.

And I know there's always a feeling nowadays.

It wasn't always this way back in the day when I really needed that food and I was out of money.

I fucking needed it.

But there's a thing now.

When I put something in the refrigerator, I just know that I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart.

Like, I know for a fact it's definitely going in the trash, but I go through the thing where, like, I'm a good person.

There's starving people, but there's 100%.

There's no fucking way.

There's no way I'm going to touch it again.

I literally have no idea how to use my microwave.

Sometimes pizza, though, I'll go back on pizza.

I bet you fucking will.

I bet you will.

We're having fun here.

Red Band and I have worked together for 12 years, if you can't tell.

What else?

Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go?

This has gone on way too long for how good you are at answering questions.

Perfect.

Here's the little joke book, buddy.

Congratulations.

We'll see you again soon.

On we go, and that's how it works.

Justin Platts saved.

Oh

my God.

Oh

my God.

The lovely Heidi is here gracing us with her presence.

All this talk of leftover foods.

And there she is.

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All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Henry Cruz.

Make some noise for Henry Cruz, everyone.

Yeah,

I recently realized I got fat.

Yeah, like I went to the strip club and she started playing with my titties.

I'm like, yo, leave my titties alone.

I got sensitive nipples.

No, but I'm trying to lose weight because I'm trying to date, you know, but I'm 5'5.

But on Tinder, I'm 5'9.

But that's still not good enough.

Women are like, you're short.

I don't like to think about it that way.

I'm the average height of a woman.

I don't feel like a short man.

I feel like a bad bitch.

Period.

Slay.

Whatever they say.

No, but I found a way to get taller, right?

You could have surgery.

But what they don't tell you is it only makes you three inches taller.

So you want me to go to surgery so I could be 5'8 ⁇ ?

Got me fucked up.

If I'm adding three inches to anywhere, it's not going to be my height.

Like, three inches won't make me six feet tall, but it'll finally make me six inches.

All right, thank you guys.

That's about it.

Henry Cruz.

No way that he could have known that he's the second comedian in a row to lie about his height on a dating app.

Is that what everybody's doing nowadays?

Apparently, man, live.

Hell yeah, dude.

All right.

Well, welcome, welcome.

Are you really five uh yeah five five with shoes on five four without you and oh wait what five

four without my shoes man five four without shoes yeah without the shoes we rock in here

yoni let's get the tape as we're out here

I have a feeling we might get lucky here.

If he's 5'3, I'm buying the whole place a shot at Tequila right now.

I'm in a mood tonight.

I'm in a mood.

Here we go.

The moment of truth.

What?

Shoes off.

Get those fucking shoes off, Henry Cruz.

Oh, the lights are flashing.

The sound guy, clearly, Jones Ingbird shot at Tequila.

Whoa.

Whoa, the crowd is into it.

Stay still.

Five, three, and a half.

Five, three, and a half.

Five, three, and a half, ladies and gentlemen.

To think you guys were only a half an inch away from getting a shot of tequila here tonight.

Absolutely incredible.

Absolutely.

We got to follow the rules.

Rules is rules.

Yoni's a genius.

Thank you, Yoni, for protecting me.

Oh,

buy yourselves a shot.

Giannis.

That almost felt like a weird slave auction for a slave we were.

For a slave we were throwing out.

We're like, ah, yeah, this one's no good.

Oh, man.

No doubt.

I'm tall for Salvadorians, man.

I'm tall.

Is that what you are, Salvadorian?

No, Mexican.

Salvadorian.

You're 100%?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you sure about that?

I was born here.

You know what I mean?

You were born here.

Okay, everybody says that now

with our new president of the United States.

People make a real point.

When you're Hispanic, that's like the I'm 21 now.

Yeah.

I was born here.

Sure, you were.

What do your El Salvadorian parents do for a living?

One of them's dad and the other one's, you know, cleaning lady.

Typical, right?

Okay, how'd dad die?

Cancer.

Yeah, cancer.

Wow.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Wow.

When did that happen?

2020.

2020.

My goodness.

My goodness.

That must have been hard, huh?

Hey, we get over it.

We get through it.

Okay.

All right.

Looks like you kind of enjoyed it.

Yeah.

What kind of cancer was it?

What was it?

Pancreas?

Yeah, pancreatic.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, the pancreatic cancer.

That's a tough one that works.

Henry, what do you do for a living?

So I deliver snacks.

Route drive deliver snacks.

You deliver snacks, specifically only snacks.

Yeah, I route drive deliver snacks.

You know, sometimes we get...

What kind of snacks are you talking about?

Like convenience stores, you know, I'll go to the stores.

You only do convenience stores?

Well, yeah, we get the bundles of like snacks and we take them to like different places.

You know, so

your friend sending you to the store is not an occupation.

What exactly is this service called?

Well, I can't name the company,

but we just deliver, like, you know, how they have bags of chips and stuff like that, drinks.

So, I just take it to them, you know, some to the stores.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're delivering from the warehouse to the stores.

Okay, yeah, okay.

All right.

Yeah, so sometimes a few snacks go missing, but you know.

Shit, what are your favorite kind of snacks?

I like Doritos, man.

Oh, shit.

Very simple, man.

man.

Nacho Cheesy or Cooler Ranch?

Oh, he loves Cooler Ranch.

Cooler Ranch.

Fuck yeah.

Cooler Ranch.

All right.

What's your love life like, Henry?

What's it like being 5'3 and a half, telling people that you're 5'5,

lying truly a horrible lie about being 5'9?

Oh, man.

What's it like living this life of El Salvadorian dwarfism?

Well, I mean, it doesn't help that I'm bad at sex, too, so it's going like...

Tell us more.

What do you mean you're bad at sex?

You having a little problem with the puposa out there?

Nice.

It's a good reference.

That's an El Salvadorian treat.

It's a delicacy in El Salvador.

A puposa.

I might not know about the bean, but I know about puposas.

What's your problem in the bedroom?

Can you not get on the pedal?

Hey, yo, can you put a little trampoline at the end of the bed?

I'm gonna gonna fucking get up there like a luchador, dude.

Baby, please help me.

You said you'd never let go.

I'm dying down there, dude.

Hey, babe, come under the bed.

Come under here.

I swear to God, I'm gonna please you, dude.

I'm gonna eat that pussy like a bag of cooler ranch Doritos.

Come on, baby.

I'm gonna make a snack go missing here.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Well, I do have asthma, so that doesn't help.

God.

Do you have an inhaler?

Yeah, I got two in the back right now.

Oh, my God.

Wow, you have a backup just in case?

Yeah, you got to, man.

Tough life.

And when you're with a girl, sometimes that takes your breath away.

I'm sure you get a little nervous, a little excited.

So you got to pump on that shit, and her pussy goes drier than David Jolly's elbows

she's got a rub lotion on her pussy

three layers from what I understand three layers of lotion it takes

so that happens where you need to use the inhaler on the girl you're like hey baby I swear to god I'm

I swear to God when I catch my breath well I used I used to hide it like that's why I wear socks in bed because I just hide it in there you know you keep an inhaler in your sock

and at 5'3 I bet that shit's clanking against the floor.

Ticket to ticket sounds like a horse.

Oh my god.

So, give us an example of a time where you've really blown it in the bedroom.

Oh, well, one time she told me, Hey, can you use a finger?

Like, you know, she says sex is boring, but I gave her a wet willy.

I don't think that's what she meant.

Wow.

She was like, wrong hole.

All right.

There you go.

Very good.

Self-deprecating humor.

We love that here.

Henry, anything else crazy we should know about you before we keep it moving here?

I like how this is going.

It's good.

It's a good interview.

I'm so glad you lied about your height and that you're an embarrassment in the bedroom.

You gave us a lot to work with, and that's what the show's all about.

You know, it's not necessarily about the minute.

It's about being honest in the interview.

Clearly, unlike the last guy, you have no fear of losing your snack delivery job.

It can only go up from here, much like your height.

You know what I'm gonna do?

Even though you're a small guy and the set was okay, I'm going to give you a medium-sized joke, Bug.

Thank you, thank you.

Henry Cruz, here you go, buddy.

Oh, shit.

He's got to reach down two and a half feet to pick that up right now.

Oh, look at that.

He didn't even have to bend over.

That's the joy of being three foot four inches in the air.

There he goes.

The debut of Henry Cruz.

Oh, we're cooking, baby.

67.1 degrees here inside the room.

Life is good.

On to the next one we go.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Jessa Knuckles.

Jessa Knuckles.

This looks like a new name.

Here's Jessa, everybody.

Hello, hello.

Hi, I'm Jessa Knuckles.

I recently lost 40 pounds.

So it no longer looks like I'm in the rodeo when I try to wipe my ass.

However, I did gain 20 back, so it's back to the rodeo.

I goeo.

My doctor says that I might have sleep apnea, so I really hope it's true that men like Star Wars as much as they say because Lady in the Streets, Darth Vader in the sheets.

Between, I'm also a type 1 diabetic, so between my diabetes and my sleep apnea,

I really know how to keep a man

up at night

but on the plus side I pee so much men think I'm a squirter

I got accused of

uh oh uh

I got dumped for having a wondering eye, but it turns out it's just lazy.

All right, thank y'all.

Hell yeah, Jessa Nichols.

Knuckles.

Knuckles.

Oh, yeah.

Wouldn't want to get that wrong.

Absolutely.

Hell no.

Hell yeah.

That was like a reverse dating app profile, what you just did.

Yeah.

I lost weight, then I found it.

I'm a loud sleeper, type one diabetic, and I pissed the bed.

Lazy eyes.

Stay away, everybody.

Stay away from me.

Holy shit, Giannis.

Yeah.

But men aren't desperate, so I'm still getting railed.

I bet you are.

I bet you are.

Listen.

I like you.

I like you.

And a little tip for guys out there: if you're trying to save on heat in the winter, date this girl, sleep next to her.

She'll warm you up real good.

Hell yeah.

I want to get the last guy out here and put him in a jockey outfit and put her on her.

Is that okay?

Hell yeah, let's do it.

She'll probably have trouble breathing.

She can borrow his inhaler for a second.

I did wear my best Moo Moo for you.

It is.

Nothing better than a cow and a Moo Moo.

You know what I'm saying?

Moo Moo.

Oh, Antonio Brown.

Look at that.

I like to call her a San Antonio 8.

Oh, yeah.

I do well in San Antonio.

That's what is implied.

I'm like a San Antonio 10, honey.

Oh, 10, sorry, 10, second.

Yeah.

That is exactly what was implied there.

So you're a type 1 diabetic, huh?

Yeah, you wouldn't think, but true.

I mean, I would have thought.

Yeah.

For sure.

Absolutely.

One is the skinny one.

Table of white guys just poured their drinks all over one another in absolute disgust.

I love it.

Well, you are the best dressed person on

stage tonight.

It's very nice for you to wear our favorite grandmother's lampshade here.

Jessa, what do you do for work?

I'm a dog sitter.

A dog sitter?

Yeah.

Wow.

You ever walk them?

I do walk, Tony.

I'm talking about the dogs.

Because when you said sitter, I believed that part.

I'm wondering if you're ever a dog stander, a dog walker, a dog.

Do you squish them?

I am fat, Tony.

It's true.

I like your style, Jessa.

How long have you been doing this?

How long did you be honest?

Not to Brian Simpson.

You're not.

It is true.

I have to check in with my senior anybody will do correspondent.

My senior, may I borrow your sleep apnea mask correspondent.

No, no, no.

Y'all gotta write it.

It's the skinny niggas that like fat white girls.

I'm a fat nigga.

We gotta get David Jolly back out here.

They go.

He introduce her to Shea Butter, and he'll he'll take her down to the bingo hall.

You know what I mean?

I do love bingo.

You just keep nailing me, Tony.

It's like you're in love with me or something.

Absolutely.

You are my type one.

I was.

I have a feeling I'm your type two.

Yeah.

I was going to bring you a bath bomb because I hear you like baths, but they strip you down at the door outside.

Oh, I don't know.

Okay.

That's a lot there.

There's a lot there.

A lot to unpack.

Much like the guys that take you home, a lot to unpack.

So Jessa, what's an

you're a dog sitter.

Where do you live?

I live in Austin.

You live in Austin.

How long have you lived in Austin?

About 15 years.

15 years?

Where were you at?

I went to college here.

You went to college here.

Absolutely.

A longhorn.

Yeah.

And a wide lady.

Yeah.

I love it.

Okay, Jessa, what do you do for fun?

Austin's a very wild place.

Lots of things to do.

You could float on the river.

You could sink on the river.

What do you do?

Oh, baby, I sink in the bottom of the pool.

I love it.

So does Brian Simpson.

Let's check in with Brian Simpson again.

I already tried to share my sleep apnea mask with you, but you weren't having it, so it's done now.

Oh, my goodness

oh my goodness

so jessa what do you do for fun what are some hobbies of yours uh i make jewelry okay is that on sale somewhere is it on etsy or something um it's on my instagram okay what's your instagram uh at jesse b boots jesse b boots all right yeah i used to make cowboy boots in college when i made that instagram so okay to updating to current events what made you get out of the boot game?

Sexual harassment.

You were being sexually harassed?

Yes, I used to be quite the looker, Tony.

Oh, my goodness.

Where do you think you lost?

What happened?

You know?

Sometimes I'm just like not trying to be mean, and it just comes across as we have a dog sitting.

What happened?

It was all that dog sitting.

Really?

No.

What were you eating them?

Are you hot dog sitting?

How do you.

I lock my dogs on a bun.

Hire me, USA.

Hire me.

I love it when people go with the flow.

That's amazing.

So you didn't graduate college?

Oh, I did graduate college.

And you're dog sitting and making jewelry?

Yeah, I'm doing what I love.

D-Madness.

It's okay.

There's a flood watch, D.

Just to let you know, I'll fast-forward it for you so you don't get worried.

There's a flood watch tonight.

We are watered in here.

We have excess water around us back to Jessa Nichols here

Knuckles Tony.

Knuckles.

Knuckles.

Yep.

Like a fist.

Absolutely.

Giannis.

Did the jewelry around your neck, did you make that?

No, this is actually locally done by an artist called Shock Factor.

It's very nice.

Very nice.

I can't tell how big or small it is, you know?

It's gargantuan, and it's stained glass.

It's one of my favorite pieces.

On you, it looks small.

It's incredible.

Jessa.

That one was kind of lame.

You didn't like that one?

Yeah,

I think you can do better.

I can, and I've done better.

I've done better a bunch.

I've roasted the shit out of you for eight and a half minutes.

We know I can and have done better.

Stop saying roast.

It's making her hungry.

We love you.

We love you, Jessa.

We love you.

I want to get you out of here on

a big something.

What else about you?

Give me something else.

Craziest thing that's ever happened while your dog's sitting.

Oh, I have a friend and her dog has a broken paw.

That was how she found the dog.

It was with the already healed broken paw.

And this Rottweiler uses it.

We call it her rapin' paw.

Uh-huh.

Why do you call it that?

Because she uses it to scoop you in so that she can hump you harder.

Ah, okay.

Yes.

So

I'm fighting these wild dogs off constantly.

You'd think I would lose some weight, but no.

I'm pretty sure that's your only threat of being raped, Jessa, so that's exciting.

Oh, we're groaning now.

She said, I can do better.

You can roast harder than that.

And then you guys go, oh, too much, too far.

Shut the fuck up.

You know what I'm going to do?

Because I like the way you did this.

I like the way you laughed at yourself and you took it.

You're the first person tonight to get a big joke book, Jessa Knuckles.

Boom.

Hey.

There goes Jessa Knuckles, ladies and gentlemen.

Put that mic stand back where you got it there, Jessa.

Jessa, put the...

All right.

Jesus Christ.

Put the mic, stand back, Jessa.

Good enough, Jessa.

Good job.

Yeah, that's the way.

Last thing we need is Jessa's stage diving to get out of here tonight.

I'm sure Rogan would love that lawsuit.

Six people dead at Comedy Mothership on 6th Street.

Comedian tries to exit the wrong

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All right, we know this young man.

He's been on the show multiple times.

Make some noise for the return of Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen.

Michael Ridley.

Hi, hello.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not that Asian.

That'd be crazy.

I would kill myself if I was that Asian.

I'm just kidding.

I wouldn't kill myself.

I would cure my hair.

All right, cool.

You guys are a little racist.

You have retarded family members?

Anybody else?

Yeah, you're it, buddy.

Yeah, dude, I got a super autistic brother, and it's pretty rough because, like I just remember as a kid

We used to take him to these interviews to get him evaluated and the thing about my brother is like he's too retarded to keep a job But he's not retarded enough to get social security benefits So he's in this gray area of retardation learning disabled autism dude.

We would take my brother to these fucking mental evaluation interviews as a kid and he's so autistic that he'd be like now's my time to show these people how smart I am

It would be like this reverse WB frog situation.

We'd bring him into these interviews.

Can I finish it?

Thank you.

Nope.

I'm just asking for permission.

Wow.

Are you the retarded family member?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

What am I supposed to do?

All right.

You're done.

Okay.

You want to finish it, finish it.

Okay, I'll fix it.

It's not going to work now, but finish it.

No, no, it'll work.

No, yeah, it'll totally work.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

We'd bring him into these interviews, and he'd suddenly become affluent as fuck.

We'd walk in and be like,

yes, the triangle goes in the triangle hole and the square goes in the square hole.

That's red, that's green, and that's blue.

And then we'd get back in the car and he'd just...

I'm Michael Ridley.

Thank you so much.

There you go.

Okay.

There you go.

Hi, Michael.

Hey, Tony, how are you?

Is this true you have a retarded family member?

I have a younger brother who's severely autistic, yeah.

Severely autistic.

Yeah, he's 30.

Okay, and he really doesn't work?

He tries to.

What does he do?

Usually like Taco Bell or like food service, and then he gets through the first two weeks.

So he's basically the most employed person out of any of the bucket pulls we've had here tonight.

Yeah.

I dwive of snacks.

I dog sit.

I get high and wide dirt bike.

Yeah.

We did have a dirt bike.

It was sick.

A little 50cc.

He's got a dirt bike?

He did.

Yeah, he loves bikes, dude.

Wow.

That's his thing.

Okay.

All right.

Do you ever ride with him?

I haven't seen him in a while, dude.

I'm out here grinding.

He's back in Virginia where I'm from.

Okay.

I haven't talked to him in many moons.

How do you think he's going to feel when he sees us?

Let's check in with Brian Simpson here.

Hey, Brian.

I feel like severely retarded people need four wheels minimum.

That's a good point.

Y'all let us look out on two wheels.

That's crazy.

That's a good point.

It's a regular bike.

They call it a dirt bike because it's covered in dirt because he falls so much.

Oh, dude, he eats shit on those things, dude.

He's crazy.

I bet those people do eat shit sometimes.

Michael, let's talk about you because I don't think the apple falls far from the tree in this family.

What are you doing for work?

I've been doing stand-up full-time since April.

I was just doing spots all over Austin.

It's a nightmare.

When you say you're doing stand-up full-time as a job,

how much money are you making, Michael?

Well, I'm doing a podcast.

I'm hosting whatever I can.

I've been hosting Roast battles for Roast Battle Austin.

I did want to.

Let's not stand up.

How much do you get paid for that?

I got like 70 for that.

70.

To host a whole Creek Roast Battle, yeah.

Okay.

That's actually more than I would have expected.

So 70.

How much are you making from your podcast?

My podcast makes like $150 a month right now.

From where?

Where are you getting that $150?

Patreon, baby.

People.

Yeah, I have a solid group of Frog Nation.

Frog Nation.

Yeah,

what's the membership?

10 bucks a month?

We got $1, $5, $10, and $20.

We got a shit ton of $20 guys.

You have a shit ton.

Do you know how many you can have to make $150?

That's seven.

Seven would be the maximum.

Dude, that's a lot.

A shit ton?

Dude, that's a lot.

People are giving me $20.

That's like $7.

I wish we were so easily satisfied with...

20 followers.

You know, it ain't much, but it's an honest start, you know?

Okay.

All right, Michael, it is an honest start.

So 150 a month plus 70 for a show that happens monthly you host it monthly or i i fill in for the current host he's on vacation so even the 70 that was the luck of god yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but you're counting on this 150 a month and you have to split that with a co-host right

that's just you that was for me yeah wow incredible like officiated all the battles did opening spot and then hosted the pre-showcase before the battle ballpark what do you think you made this past month this past month probably cleared like shit, doggy, like three, four, hundred.

Wow.

And you have, I happen to know because she works here, you have a girlfriend that works here.

I have a wife, yes.

A wife that works here,

and she's taking care of you.

We take care of each other.

How do you take care of her?

I've adopted the role of house husband.

Shit.

Yeah, I'm a bitch.

Yeah, I don't know if you guys understand how emasculating it is to get a peck on the cheek while you're doing the the dishes, but I would not recommend it at all.

I always wonder, like, why doesn't more comics have like a, you know, a lunch shift at a restaurant or working like a nine to four job?

I mean, I've my whole life, I've had two or three jobs my whole entire life.

Like, I don't understand this rely on comedy shit at all.

Yeah.

So it wasn't like this always.

When I first moved to Austin three years ago, I was working at Vulcan.

I had a work-from-home job and I used to work for Kiltoni.

So I was like spread very thin.

You worked for Kiltoni?

Yeah, I worked for you for like a year, the first year mothership opened.

Really?

You worked for us three years?

A little bit.

I'm getting a smaller.

You're like the guy that lied about his height.

I'm getting a...

Yeah, I used to work for you guys.

Okay.

A lot of free hoodies.

Okay, we're going to need those back.

We're going to have you wash them since you're a house bitch, and then you can give them back to us.

All right.

Michael, anything else crazy we should know about you before?

I've been training jujitsu with the mothership security guards for the last three months.

Wow.

Okay.

I'm getting so powerful, dude.

And do you have to pay for that?

No, my wife pays for it.

Oh, wow.

My God.

I get her discount.

I get her discount.

Wow.

Guys, what do we think?

Who is this woman that believes in him so much?

Jesus Christ.

It's a woman that's orgasming quite frequently.

I don't know about that.

I find this to be impossible.

Tell us how you do it, Michael.

The guys listening to this show all want to know your secret with a face like that.

What the fuck do you do?

Jesus made it worse.

Frog style.

Frog style squat point it down.

What is that?

Pride at home.

You have her legs over her head or something?

No, she's like maybe in a like your lady is probably like in a missionary position and her legs on your shoulders.

This feels a lot like a jiu-jitsu class right now, but stick with me.

No, this makes sense, actually.

Yeah, her legs on your shoulders, your feet are on the bed like so.

Sumo style, froggy style.

And then you just bounce on the bed.

Right.

Okay.

That actually makes sense.

It's one of the rare times that I've gotten an actual physical correct answer from the question, how do you please your woman in the bedroom?

Yeah.

I think it's been 12 years I've been asking that question.

People are like, oh, I just hit my inhaler and pray for the best.

But not you.

You gave an actual answer there.

Yeah, I'd be fucking.

That's incredible.

That is incredible.

That's a lesson for everyone out there.

Hit different angles.

Try different things.

Experiment.

Mm-hmm.

Very good.

Congratulations.

You already have joke books, right?

I have one.

Yeah, I have one from three years ago.

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Is it filled?

No, it sits on my thing as like a memento to keep going.

There you go.

Well, there, keep going for sure.

It's your only option, Michael.

All right, bye-bye.

Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen.

I love you guys.

Let's get...

Another bucket pull out here, and then we're gonna do our special treat that we have.

This next comedian looks like a new maybe we've seen this before make some noise here we go for bucket pull matt surrey everyone matt surrey

what is up mothership

now obviously you can tell i'm into extreme sports

uh actually it's so true i i tried to go skydiving for my birthday the other year Now, I say try

because when I got to the airfield, the lady took one look at me and was like,

yeah,

no,

sorry.

Apparently, I'm too fat to fall from the sky.

Something about the reserve chute not supporting my mass.

I'm like, I've seen them drop tanks into Ukraine, all right?

It's crazy, man.

I mean, I'd hit the gym, but you know, I got a hernia.

And it's not even a real man's hernia.

It's an umbilical hernia, which basically means I'm so fat, my stomach has nowhere else to go.

It's trying to come out my belly button.

It's crazy.

But it's not all bad.

It's not all bad.

The other day at work, my boss said an idea I had was worth its weight in gold.

And that got me thinking, what would I be worth if I were worth my weight in gold?

So I figured it out.

I'd be worth $15,492,675.

That's right, I'm a cash cow.

Now I just got to decide, do I want to sacrifice half of that just to go skydiving?

All right.

Thanks a lot, you guys.

All right.

Matt Suri.

Okay.

Matt.

What's up?

A lot of facts there.

Just a lot of facts.

The hernia thing was a fact.

The weight in gold was a fact.

I'm pretty sure we all want to see that fucking belly button.

Am I correct right now?

Maybe I'm the only one?

I mean, I don't know if they can handle it.

I think they can handle it.

Just find Kino on the lights.

Give it to me.

Sometimes our stoner lighting sound guy isn't paying attention to the show.

Sometimes he is.

You never know.

Oh, my God.

Is that a...

Is that a...

What is that?

A rag?

Wait a second.

Let me see that fucking thing.

Pull it out again.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit, he's got a ball sack attached to his stomach.

Oh,

my God.

He's got it.

That's more than an Audi, my friend.

That is more like the car.

A-U-D-I.

You could fit a family of five in that fucking belly button of yours.

What are you going to do, man?

I don't know.

What are you going to do, man?

That's a question for you and your doctor.

Yeah, I don't know.

Wow.

What did they tell you?

Lose weight.

Okay, and how's that going?

I mean, it goes pretty good, and then I get it all the fuck back again.

How do you do it?

How do you lose it?

How do you gain it?

I actually lost a lot of it just down the road at Optimum Health Institute doing like a juice fast and stuff.

Okay.

Yeah, that works.

I lost like 90 pounds.

And then what'd you do?

And then I just started eating again.

What were you eating?

I mean, just normal shit, man, but it's like stress.

The stress, the fucking weight just stays off.

Wow.

Yeah, man.

Wow, what are you stressed about?

I just lost my job last week, man.

Oh, my goodness.

What was the job?

I was a quality manager.

A quality manager for what?

For a Copac beverage company.

Quality managers.

What exactly does that mean?

I just

monitor food safety and food safety quality systems.

Uh-huh.

So, how did you lose the job?

You seem like you'd be great at monitoring food.

It seems like I, yeah.

How did you

help them with the

how did you lose your job?

I was basically hired just to help them get through their certification, did that, and then it was like...

How long did you have the job?

Four months.

Okay, what did you do before that?

Same similar thing.

Same similar thing.

Yeah, food safety for another, for actually a pet food manufacturing.

Is that what you do?

You do food safety?

Food safety, yeah.

And I used to do auditing full-time.

Auditing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Did you get too intimate with the food?

Well, you know.

Who fired you?

Loss prevention?

You, motherfucker.

Hit your fucking noise, man.

You know what?

You're right.

He deserves it.

That was good enough.

Where's the sound effect?

Here it is.

Red Band.

You did it again, Red Band.

Yeah, man.

I love it.

So, Matt Suri, tell us more about you.

Tell us something very interesting.

I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall.

You did what?

I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall.

What the hell kind of solo did you sing at Carnegie Hall?

It was Kyrie.

What is it?

Opera?

What is that?

It's like classical.

You sing?

Yeah.

Oh, let's fucking hear a little something, dude.

Let's hear a little something.

You want the band with you, or are you going to go solo?

I'll just sing you what I sang.

Beautiful.

Let's do it.

All right, hold on.

Sing your heart out and your belly button out.

No, it's too high, man.

My bad.

You're

a

illegal

crest.

I felt the fucking test.

Keep going, keep going.

I enjoyed the comedy more than that.

Is there like a peak part?

Is there like a

shit?

There's no like climax to it or anything?

No, nothing else, man.

Jesus, I guess we could all fucking sing at Carnegie Hall then.

Yeah.

Oh my goodness gracious.

How old are you?

Oh man.

Deep Madness is back.

49 on Saturday.

49 on Saturday.

Yeah.

I bet you he wishes he was deaf right this moment.

Where do you, yeah, Brian?

Do you realize every single go back and look at this shit?

Every single time I'm a guest don't kill Tony, one of these motherfuckers said he could rap or sing.

It turns into fucking a drink.

Did you rather include the drums, Brian?

Well, you were the only one that was lying.

Everybody else.

He

is right.

We can all sing

like

you.

Wow.

My goodness.

All right, Matt Suri.

Well, we had fun here tonight.

How did it feel for you?

It was cool, man.

Hell yeah.

Well, sign up.

Do it again.

Have you been on this show before?

No, it's first time signing up.

Okay, first time signing up.

Maybe, I don't know, hernia, extreme sports work, hernia.

What do you guys think?

Small or big?

Small?

Big?

Big?

Small?

There he is.

Matt Surrey, ladies and gentlemen.

Sign up again.

Do it again sometime, Matt.

Happy last birthday.

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There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the national mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Where there's something new for everyone to discover

There's only one DC

visit washington.org to plan your trip

All right

We have a special something happening right now Cam Patterson is a star and is shooting a goddamn movie right now

He is literally a star So he's not gonna make it tonight in his place.

We're gonna do something a little fun for the first time in this show's history ever in this show's history, this is someone that won the spot

away from the show after another show on a different night.

I,

me, and this man, who happens to be one of the best poker players in the world, considered the number one heads up,

which means one-on-one poker player in the world.

We played Texas Hold'em here at Mitzies

until 5:30 in the morning.

On the line, I could have won $40,000,

or he wins a spot on Kill Tony, and here he is,

ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut.

This is a minute of comedy.

He's been preparing a month for this.

We're going to have some fun right now.

Make some noise for Doug Poke, everybody.

It's hard to live in Texas without hearing about the immigration debate.

They're bringing in drugs.

They're taking our jobs.

We've got to do something about these Californians.

We're going to build a wall, and we're going to make New Mexico pay for it.

And for the record, I don't understand where they're coming here anyway.

Over the last few years, the California real estate market's been on fire.

Maybe they're just a little burned out.

Oh, we got lots of natural disaster fans here tonight.

That's nice.

It's also hard to live in Austin without hearing about this serial killer who's killing gay men at Lady Bird Lake.

Yeah.

How is that funny?

I didn't think much about it, but then the other day my friend called me, said, hey, where are you going out tonight, man?

Just want to make sure I know where you are.

And then it dawned on me.

My friend thinks I'm a murderer.

But that makes no sense because I love gay men.

And we love you too, Doug.

And we love you too.

I'll tell you.

I'm pretty sure I'm right here.

I'm pretty sure that's the best set of the night from everybody.

Absolutely incredible when you put your mind to it.

I mean, you've been practicing for a month.

We're buddies now.

I met you that night.

Crazy, crazy night.

Crazy fucking night.

It's just one of those nights where it was like a fucking Scorsese movie.

I kind of told the story a couple weeks ago, but it was just people telling me, hey, do you know the best heads-up poker player in the world here?

Your after party.

Every Monday we have a little party after each taping, and I kept hearing it all night.

You were on the other side of the bar.

I had no idea who you were.

And then by the time we finally got to meet, by the time our paths crossed, I was just drunk enough to challenge you to poker.

Turns out you run what,

from what I'm told, is literally the best poker facility in the country.

Yeah, Lodge Card Club here in Austin, Texas.

Yeah, that's what's up.

By the way, so when we first met, I thought we would like exchange names and like some pleasantries.

And I'm like, hi, I'm Doug.

He's like, I'll fucking beat you in poker.

Yeah.

I was excited.

Where did that come from?

Like, all right, let's see what we can do.

We have fun.

Yeah, that is a Monday night brought to you by Whiskey and Tequila.

See, I sip whiskey and I do shots of tequila.

It's a problem.

I'm going to be joining Henry Cruz's father in the pancreatic cancer department real soon.

It's a ticking time bomb, so enjoy the show while it lasts.

But on Monday nights is when I really let it rip.

I'm kind of more chill throughout the week and I blow my liver to shreds on Monday nights.

And boy, oh boy, you met me at about what, 12.30, 1 a.m.

on a Monday night and we played poker until 5.30 a.m.

Everybody.

And it was one of those games where it wasn't just like us.

It was fucking everyone was around us.

It was a very entertaining game.

You're fun to play with.

I was fucking talking shit, having fun.

It was a great time.

Doing things like looking at one card and fucking seeing a king and betting big and just hoping the other card was good.

We were having fun.

No, no, I saw how you played.

You played, played, you were really aggressive.

You were a pretty crazy player.

Yeah.

That kind of makes sense.

Yeah.

I feel like I made a mistake, though, with the negotiation for the stakes, right?

Because I was like, all right, I want to go on the show.

I'll put up some money.

I was kind of drunk too.

So I was like, how about $20,000?

He's like, done.

I was like, oh, shit, I probably should have opened lower on that.

Yeah.

But.

Kind of worked my way up, might have been good.

And I won that first game, for those of you that don't know.

But it all happened so fast I realized afterwards that I'm the sucker I didn't realize what was happening there, but by letting me win one and I go well now I want to play So what what was it then?

It was basically the same bet

dude.

We were so drunk.

I don't think either one of us can retell the story.

Y'all sound so fucking gay.

Y'all are flirting back

wild thing.

Jesus Christ.

He's like, how do we be?

No, no, no, dude, you tell the story.

You tell it.

We had a fucking story.

It was a crazy story.

You're so drunk or you're shooting tequila and whiskey.

Met this handsome man.

Which one's the handsome man?

Oh, okay.

That's why, you know what?

The universe isn't fair.

We've had these fucking disabled people come up here, can't put a joke together.

This fucking guy just started comedy three minutes ago, comes up here with a beautiful face and blows everybody out of the water god's not real and not only did he have the best set tell our tell the people how much money do you think you've made playing poker doug with poke uh so i've i've won about 10 million in tournaments and

no big deal

this is why i want to butt fuck this guy don't ruin it for me yannis Don't ruin it for me.

If I'm finally going to be as gay as everybody wants me to, Doug's going to be the guy that takes my butt virginity.

Have you ever heard of froggy silver?

I want you to hit it missionary, dude.

Face to face.

I know I had a bit on it, but I don't actually love gay men.

Oh, no, I know.

They love you, I'll tell you that right now.

We're going to play again tonight.

Winner take all.

Hell yeah.

So Doug, what's it like out there being a fucking actual pro poker player what's like a cra give us an example of another crazy night or something or anything wild that you've seen yeah so I've had some pretty big wins and some pretty big losses

one weekend I lost a million dollars playing online poker and I went down to the lobby and I was really sad and they had like police everywhere and I asked the hotel person I'm like why are there why is everyone that why are these police officers here like oh someone killed themselves this weekend and it was uh uh it was uh someone from glee like one of the lead people from glee at fairmont pacific red he killed himself in the hotel i was staying at and i was like okay i guess i'm having the second worst weekend yeah

yeah that's amazing

even fucking killing with follow-up jokes

jesus christ

even write that one he's a he's He's a natural.

That's why I'm in love with him.

I'm telling

Do you think you're going to continue doing stand-up?

Like, is this something you really want to do?

Yeah, so I've been doing it for like a month now.

It seems like a lot of fun.

I enjoy it.

For some reason, I'm always worried I'm going to forget things.

I don't know if you guys...

Yeah, that's how it starts.

The memory builds after a while.

For most people, William Montgomery still reads off of no cards, but everyone else, it naturally happens.

I remember, especially the first fucking couple, few years.

I'm like, Jesus Christ,

how do people do longer sets without fucking?

And also, the more that you write, the more that you like your jokes, the more that you're excited to tell them and don't want to forget them.

So, like, as the jokes get better, they become easier to remember, if that makes sense.

Yeah, I could imagine that.

So, I do a lot of like online videos and stuff, and it's just so different when you record YouTube videos because, like, you're like, what's up, guys, Doug Polk here?

I didn't like that one delete.

Okay, we're not here.

It's like, nope, you heard that.

Yep.

Yep.

It's true.

It's absolutely true, Doug.

Well, anything else for Doug, guys?

Brian, all you're going to say is that we're gay and then put the mic down for the rest of the show?

Hey, you guys gay as shit.

It was time.

No, but yeah,

you'll slowly empty out the part of your mind that cares about people.

things

and you'll fill it up with jokes.

That's nice.

You're a smart guy.

Obviously, you know, people that can play poker professionally are already living a lot of people's dreams.

The fact that you're chasing this rush, and it is, as you probably can feel, a crazy adrenaline rush.

Same type of thing as when you're in a big hand.

You don't fucking know what's going on, but you got it.

And you're getting a big joke book.

Thank you.

Hell yeah.

Doug Poke, everybody.

Thanks, Doug.

Back to the bucket we go.

That's my boyfriend.

There he goes.

Faragi style.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Back to the bucket we go.

This looks like a newer name.

Oh,

my God.

I'm busy.

The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

These guys are going to go wipe off each other's pants together.

Those are the white boys that spilled drinks all over each other earlier.

We're about to go trade shorts.

All right, makes noise for your next bucket pull.

Philip Abraham, everybody.

Here we go.

How y'all doing?

My name is Philip Abraham.

I am not white.

I am white passing on the phone

my whole life.

Whole life.

A lot of people think I'm black in Austin.

They ain't got no black people.

Worse is when people think I'm bracked.

You know what that is?

That's when Asian people think I'm black.

Slow burn.

I am Indian.

I'm a different kind of Indian.

I'm Puerto Rican.

I am Indian, and Pakistan will be soon, too.

Oh man.

Most Indians are Hindu.

I'm a little bit different.

My dad's side's Jewish.

My mom's side's Catholic.

I worship Satan.

Philip Abraham.

You've been on this show before, right, Philip?

Yeah, I was on the show like a week into Open Mics like two and a half years ago.

Okay.

Yeah, two and a half years ago.

Did not go well.

But it went better this time.

Yes.

Going to show that if you do this over time you should get better and you did that

and here you are yep how's it been going pretty good yeah i've been just working doing a lot of shows doing a lot of mics what do you do for a living

i i'm an experienced designer what does that mean so i like i like build apps and uh websites for fortune 500 companies yannis i was about to say he was what it means is he's a disappointment to his parents

he came through with the computer shit.

Yeah, and he's got the last sex.

He's Indian, he's got to be doing something for you.

I am building web shanks.

Dad, you would be so proud of the web shacks.

I'd be so experienced.

All right.

I talked to my parents and they call comedy a program.

Did you do your program tonight?

How is the program?

Yeah.

Do I sound like your dad?

Kinda, kinda.

He's booty, booty, booty, boo.

Wanted to do one.

Booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, boo.

How about all of the programs during?

What does your dad do for work?

Oh, he's a Pentecostal preacher.

Whoa.

Yeah.

A Pentecostal Pakistani preacher?

Indian.

God damn it, Peter.

Oh, okay.

That's like calling him the N-word.

Didn't you know that?

You got back and forth.

You called yourself farmer.

Puerto Rican at one point.

Pakistani.

It's all fucking mixing together.

So you're 100% Indian?

Yeah, I'm Malayali.

Oh, well, in that case.

100% Malayali.

All right.

What does that mean?

It's just like people from the southern coast.

It's like a very specific type of people.

What are they known for?

Coconuts.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

You got mangoes.

Okay.

I didn't realize there was such a tropical part of India.

They don't cook it with their feet.

Those are the North Indians.

Just wanted to put that out there.

Okay.

Those are the northerns.

We don't fuck with them.

You guys don't get along.

No.

Have you guys been fighting a little bit?

A little bit.

They kind of look down on the south.

Oh, they do.

I can think that's a good thing.

That's such a shame, especially Pakistan, India.

Like,

why are people who smell the same fighting so much?

It's true.

It's like, really?

That's what I'm saying.

They smell the same.

That's what I'm saying.

And why can't you just all kill each other?

And then it'll be just an open land for good people.

It's going to happen.

I'm kidding.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know why I'm saying I'm kidding.

The internet clip probably ended 12 seconds ago, and I said the thing, and now I'm in trouble again.

Gonna get bigger now.

Uh-oh,

Madison Square Garden again.

I'm kidding.

We already are doing Madison Square Garden.

All right.

So, Philip, tell me, what do you do for fun?

What does an Indian, what does a Malayali do for fun?

Shit, man.

Give me Malayalam the details.

I'll be making Malayali chicken curry.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Okay.

I've been eating some shit lately.

Have you guys heard of this clay pit?

Oh.

The only one that knows all this that's not good?

That's like fusion white shit.

Oh, it's so good.

You know what I'm talking about.

That's a Mexican boy.

What are you talking about?

He has literally no fucking idea.

He knows less than anybody.

He's a Mexican boy in a longhorn shirt,

missing a front tooth.

He literally...

What was that?

Why'd you just point to your boy like that?

You called that I was gonna guess that you had a missing front tooth?

I can fucking see it.

I see that missing tooth, buddy.

Congratulations.

He's like, I had no idea.

I didn't think you'd see it.

We were talking about it.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I can spot a missing tooth from a mile away.

Cause I know to avoid those people.

All right.

Philip, what do you do for fun?

I just do.

So I got banned like a year ago.

From where?

Creek in the Cave, Sunset Strip, Cap Shit.

Oh, shit.

You got banned from everywhere.

I got up.

That's not a good sign.

Brian Simpson.

It was for ending all his sets with an elaborate dance number.

Explain how you get banned from the other big clubs in the city, Philip.

Dude, I was at Banana Phone.

I did a joke, and it went great.

Okay, the next day, they did.

What was the joke?

Let me just...

I can't go too much into it.

What the fuck?

Do you mean?

I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

What could you possibly?

Does it end in the N-word?

Oh, I just said, yeah, while I said that,

he just looked at Brian Simpson and he goes, don't get mad at me.

So yes, it does, right?

I mean, it's the only thing, as we've learned with Kanye, it's the only thing you can say to where it's like.

It's very Kanye-related.

It was a joke about how Hitler stole the swastika.

Yeah, just tell the joke.

How the fuck did you get banned from every

jokes?

I can't imagine how bad it could be.

It was the visual elements that I included in the joke for Banana Food.

Is it?

Okay, tell the joke.

Tell the fucking joke.

Tell the joke.

We'll see.

If it's unacceptable, we'll fucking blur it or edit it or whatever.

We have to do.

Sure, sure.

So Hitler stole the swastika.

Y'all know about this?

Yeah, ancient Hindu symbol.

It means kill the Jews.

It means peace and well-being.

But like the fucking for for America to learn about the swastika from Hitler, it's kind of bullshit.

It's like learning about rap from McElmore.

It's not the real,

not the real thing, right?

And that's when I had the visual element.

We're taking the swastika back.

It was a Hindu swastika.

And I was like, Brown Power, we're taking it back.

It went great.

It went amazing.

Next day,

the owner was like, hey, you held my audience hostage.

And

you're banned for life

from Sunset.

Creek.

Creek in the Cave.

And then Sunset got included in CAP.

She reached out to them.

So you're not banned from Sunset.

Yeah, I just went back like three months ago.

They said, There you go.

Look at Redband with his open First Amendment.

Look at that.

I remember that.

Like, I heard about it.

I wasn't the one that did that.

And yeah.

But you are Hindu.

Yeah.

So you can have a Hindu symbol.

Yeah,

it's the Indian swastika.

That's the whole bit is that he stole it.

Y'all don't know this shit.

I'm trying to tell y'all.

Trust it.

I get it.

Having your jokes taken out of context and getting in trouble for it is something that I understand very well.

It's a bitch, ain't it?

It is.

It is.

And look at that.

You didn't stop.

It's really hard to get banned by the creek, by the way.

It really is.

Especially at Banana Phone.

Like, if you've seen it, that's wild.

But yeah,

that's the big shit that's been going on.

I've never been banned from a building, so that's weird.

Well, how about an airline?

All right.

Philip.

We like your style, buddy.

It was a fun set, a fun interview.

What?

Thank you.

Thank you.

There you go.

Boom.

All right.

There goes Philip Abraham.

Philip,

what's your social media?

Come shout it out since you're banned from places.

My social media is Phil is funny.

That's what my mom says.

Thank you.

Phil is funny.

Wow.

That's a very much wanted handle.

Hey, what's up?

This is Joe from PassCast Podcast by Donut Media.

We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America.

It was basically 45 Days of Hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.

We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me.

It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes.

So, check out PassCast wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, your next bucket pulls.

Looks like a new name.

Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody.

Donna Lee.

Hi, everybody.

Um, my mom is Thai.

My dad's Irish, so I'm Tyrish.

My mom and I fight a lot.

My mom's about this tall, and she's brown, and she's mean.

And we argue a lot about things like she wants to be called Oriental.

And I'm like, mom, that's kind of racist.

People don't want to hear Oriental.

They want to call you Asian.

And she says, donna.

I'm from Oriental.

I'm Oriental.

So we're in HEB fighting this out, right?

And the woman who's our cashier is trying to help my mom.

So she's getting a little louder, trying to say that my mom might understand her.

So she's screaming to my mom and trying to be a little louder because if you're louder, people understand English better, right?

So we're at HEB, and my mom and I are standing, we're fighting at the cashier, and the cashier leans over to my mom, and she goes, Your total is 2,515.

Thank you for shopping

at Eche E B.

I'm like, she's not a deaf Mexican.

She's a mean ass Oriental lady.

Thank you.

That's my minute.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Donna Lee, welcome to the show.

This is your first time here, right?

Yes, first time.

How long have you been with stand-up?

I started in 2006 and did stand-up for about five years and took about 12 years off to raise some children.

Okay, huh?

Problem.

Came back a year ago.

How many children?

Three kids, one son, and two stepsons.

Okay.

Yes.

I knew she was a stepmom.

I fucking knew.

Like, y'all, you knew it too, right?

You felt it.

Do I get that energy, stepmom energy no doubt about it yes is it yeah there's no question have you ever gotten stuck in an inner watch

have I ever gotten stuck

probably

probably

have any of your stepsons ever taken advantage of the situation

You got nice tits for a stepmom.

Thank you.

I'm just saying what I see.

Hell yeah.

I paid a lot of money for them.

They should do now.

She looked like she mostly titties.

Yeah, she mostly titties.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yep.

Half Irish, half Thai, 80% tits.

That's right.

The math.

You know?

The math is.

You got to do what you got to do to stand out.

I love it.

You're killing.

How old are the tits?

They are about 20 years old.

Wow, 20 years old.

Look at that.

They're ready to move out on their own.

I'm a leader.

I'm a leader.

I love it.

I actually know Carlos.

Oh, Carlos.

Wow.

Look at that.

Oh, look who's playing the little horny motherfucker over there, huh?

Look at that.

Sometimes...

I didn't even know we had that spotlight.

Shit, we've been waiting two years to get Carlos in trouble, I guess.

Holy shit, look at the fucking reflection off the top of that head.

Oh

my God.

Sorry, Carlos.

How do you know Carlos?

Do you want to tell them?

So stupid, but it's hilarious.

Should I tell them or you tell them?

Oh, my God.

Can I break HIPAA?

I'm going to break a HIPAA rule here.

I met Carlos at a clinic.

Whoa!

Oh, shit.

That's so much fucking worse right there.

I know.

It's so bad.

What kind of?

It was actually just an allergy clinic.

He had allergies.

Oh, okay.

Kind of boring.

But he was touring with Jason Moraz at the time.

Okay.

And he, yeah.

He was very cool.

He had some sort of shirt on that had a saxophone or something.

I was surprised when you were passing by just meeting Carlos that he had enough time to tell you that he was touring with Jason Moraz.

It's crazy.

Almost seems like

Almost seems like he was trying to get it.

He's like, hey.

Hey, nice to meet you.

I tour with Jason Moratz.

I sing too.

Hell yeah.

He's touched those vintage titties.

Oh yeah.

No.

He went from so-so to so-so-s.

Yeah.

No.

He was very professional.

We had a very nice talk about him playing saxophone, because I play saxophone in college.

Oh, shit.

So you have a, you're able to.

I can blow.

You can blow.

All right.

There it is.

So, Donna, what are we talking about?

You're with a man, you have a steady relationship now?

Of course.

I have a husband.

He's lovely.

And he's going to watch this and be mortified.

absolutely he is yannis and he's rich look at that fucking ring she's got on

yeah that's that's my small ring you should see the bigger one wow you have a bigger ring that you wear when you're not going into sixth street

that is true smart i am smart you're a smart lady so are the kids all grown up now they're all grown 22 23 24.

This is my comeback story, y'all.

I'm going to start crying.

I'm very happy to be here.

Yeah, I will cry.

Tell us more about that.

When you say comeback story, what do you mean?

I was doing comedy in 2006.

I was on Search for the Funniest Mom in America.

I was a finalist.

And Leanne Morgan was on season one.

I was on season two.

Wow.

And so I did comedy for about five years, and then I quit to raise those ratty-ass children.

I'm kidding.

I love them.

I found a new husband.

I had to teach him how to cook and things like that.

So I quit for about 12 years, on hiatus for 12 years.

I came back last May at about this time, and I just headlined Dallas Comedy Club.

And I couldn't be more proud as a human being doing my dream.

Look at you.

Absolutely incredible.

Hey, hey, hey, Tony.

Yeah, Brian Simpson.

I just want to point out, I know Leanne Morgan, and she is a comedy star that's selling out the

cases and arenas.

She did it, but she raised a family at the same time.

I couldn't do that.

So you just quit for no reason.

She was doing comedy and raising children.

I was doing comedy and had a very stressful job.

Yeah, you had the weight of the world on your chest.

Yeah, I had to.

Red band.

Do you remember one of your old jokes, like your old best joke that got you like, you know?

I do.

Yeah, I remember the one that got me on the show.

Oh, let's do it.

Why don't you guys want to hear her best joke?

Okay.

It was clean comedy because it was a nick at night, but my parents have a little ranch in Lockhart.

Anybody familiar with Lockhart, Texas?

So my mom, with her very heavy accent, she was collecting little farm animals in Lockhart, and she called me one day at work and she said, Donna,

Donna, today we have a new donkey.

his name abel he's so very badly cute he four feet tall he's so cute but he's so loud he he all

day

i said mom i'm at work i can't talk to you right now and she said danna

you listen to me we have a new donkey today

his name abel he four feet tall he's so very badly cute but he's so loud he he all

day I said, mom, I have to go.

And she kept saying, he's so cute.

He's so cute.

I said, mom, I have to go to work.

And she got very upset with me, but I hung up the phone.

phone before I hung up I said mom let the ass do his job

she had never heard that word in that context and she said don't he not call you name you don't have to call him name

and I said no no no mom it means ass it's donkey means mule it's in the Bible it's not a bad word so a few days goes by and I called her at work and she sounds a little sad and I said mom what's wrong and she said don't everybody laugh at me today I not know why And I said, trust me, old woman, it was something you said.

I said, what did you say today at work?

And she said, don't know.

I talk about how cute my ass is.

But it makes so much noise.

Wow.

Donna.

Thank you.

You going to do it, Red Band?

Love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Boom.

On a real show.

And you're leaving her with a big joke book to go with those fucking tits of yours.

Donna Lee, ladies and gentlemen.

Donna Lee comedy.

Alright, let's get one more.

Let me just say, there's no way her stepsons don't jerk off to her tits.

Oh, totally.

Totally.

There's a lot of people going to jerk off right now, obviously.

I just saw a little boy cross right in front of me to go jerk off.

I'm pretty sure.

Little boy and a wife beater.

Little boy in a tank top going to the boys room.

Alright, let's get one more bucket pull up here.

We've been having fun tonight.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

All right, about 50-50.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night.

It's Kelly Lusk.

Kelly Lusk.

Hey, everybody.

Sorry,

okay.

So,

all right, one more time for Kelly Lusk.

So, I grew up looking like this.

Apparently, I was a Samoan boy when I was a little girl.

It's every little girl's dream, right?

And that bitch is my sister.

She used to tell me they found me in a trash can in Mexico.

Fuck her, right?

And it's really apparent here who's more loved, right?

You know, like

she's got a frilly little shirt and her golden blonde hair.

And they're like, oh, there's no hope for Kelly.

So let's give her a mullet and a bowl cut

and my mom got so tired of answering questions when we were in public so she made me start wearing a sign that said no I'm not adopted

no my dad is not Mexican and yes I belong to this white family

that's it wow exactly a minute Very rarely is a physical presentation funny, but you, that was hilarious.

You're welcome.

Brian Simpson.

Yo, she blows.

Is that the first time in Kilton the History somebody did like a one-woman show for their minute?

Yeah, I think so.

I'm really blown away by that.

That's impressive to the motherfucker.

Thank you.

I don't know if it was a one-woman.

It might be a one-they-them show or something.

That's funny.

I love it.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

So how long did you?

I didn't see her, but, you know.

I love it.

Okay, all right.

I liked you a second ago.

Don't ruin it.

Well, the guy with the American flag shirt's leaving.

All it takes is one they, them reference.

Oh, no.

I'm out of here.

Fuck this shit.

I thought this shit.

I thought this was a fucking First Amendment show.

They're giving Bulldocks opportunities here.

Wow.

So, okay, so you gotta have a different dad, right?

Same mom, same dad.

Shut the fuck up.

What the fuck?

What did they do?

Eat chalupas and tequilo before they made you?

Like, wow, what exactly?

Have the doctors talked about this?

This is a fucking anomaly.

That is incredible.

You are the best big brother any little sister's ever had.

This is amazing.

I'm pretty sure that boy was on the show earlier talking about Froggy style, wasn't he?

Is that Michael Ridley?

Oh my god.

God, it's very rare we have the same comedian on twice in one episode, but that man was here.

I recognize that man.

If that was a police sketch, I would go, oh, he was on my show.

I know exactly who's going around raping people, froggy style.

I know that man.

Why were you so orange?

Like, what the?

You're not that orange anymore.

Honestly,

the only thing I can say is I grew up in a time where we were outside and we didn't believe in sunscreen.

Absolutely.

That's my world.

We have no idea.

We don't know why I was so much darker than my family.

I love that.

We just love that.

It's like John Benet Ramsey and John Benet Goodman.

It is an incredible duo of sisters.

I cannot believe what I'm seeing.

I've never really seen anything quite like it.

So,

boy, oh boy.

Brian Simpson.

So you're telling me your mother never had you visit an uncle that you couldn't tell your dad about?

Nope.

No.

And and you must have asked them about this like oh I asked all the time if I was adopted for sure I'd be like I don't look like you

I rolled around in baby powder one time and I came out and I was like I'm white like mommy wow true story so what is your ethnicity what's dad uh we're just American mutts I mean there's like

wow and okay so what do you do for work now what's that what do you do for work I'm an executive assistant so yeah like I get to work and do the work for big wigs and in corporate america that don't know how to make pdfs and they make

hundreds what does your sister do for work she's single she

oh jesus red band

oh you're fucking disgusting jesus that's it's been a while yeah it's been a long time since we've done a trash can you guys want to do it one two three

trash can

it's been so long they don't even fucking know.

So a lot of people that started watching within the last four years, that's an old thing.

He used to say super disgusting shit all the time.

And we've slowly tamed him down and the show became a wild success.

So it's amazing how those things work.

Incredible.

Okay, so what does she do now?

She's a stay-at-home mom.

Ah, see?

She ended up being a do-nothing bitch while you're out there working with fucking high successful people.

That's right.

Well, Tony, they knew when they took that picture which one was going to have to work the hardest.

Wait,

I have an uncle, and I brought this picture out and I was like, hey, Uncle Johnny, you remember when I used to look like this?

And he was like, we were worried about you, Kelly.

I got news for you.

Uncle Johnny's your father.

Yeah, I'm about to say, there's no way your mom didn't fuck another guy at some point.

That's not, you guys don't have the same dad.

Your mom fucked a very fat,

like

vegan guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, perhaps a male.

You guys have done a DNA test of some kind?

Have you tested this?

No, but you can tell now as we're older that we look alike.

That was my next question.

This was definitely not the case growing up.

That is incredible.

Do you always, have you done this before with that picture on stage?

I've done it once before.

And it worked.

Yeah, so obviously.

It fucking works.

I guarantee if you took a 23 of me, they're going to catch a murderer in Alaska.

It is incredible.

It looks like you were photoshopped into a better-looking family picture.

It looks like you're covering up a happy mom and dad somewhere.

Proud mother and father.

It is amazing.

Okay,

so you live here in Austin?

Yeah, born and raised.

Oh,

lived here my whole life.

I'm a true unicorn.

Okay, absolutely.

What do you do for fun?

Tell us what some of your favorite Austin pastimes are.

Honestly, there's too many people.

I don't do any of the Austin stuff anymore.

I already did all that stuff, and it's just too crowded now.

Well, what do you do?

Oh, well, I like to paint.

You stay at home and paint.

I stay at home with paint.

Okay.

This is getting very sad.

No, no, no.

It's good.

There's too many people.

I do nothing now.

Okay.

What else other than painting?

What do you paint?

It's like a textured art thing.

It's complicated.

Okay.

Yeah.

I like to write jokes.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You perform a lot.

This is my fourth time ever doing a stand-up.

Wow.

Look at that.

Wait,

you know what's funny.

That's fun.

What's your love life like, Kelly?

I have a boyfriend.

Okay, what does he do?

He's an engineer.

All right, okay.

I think people are very impressed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, engineer.

The fat girl, not an engineer.

I'm just kidding.

Just kidding, just kidding.

I wonder how two kids, were you like addicted to a specific kind of candy or something?

There had to be something that that you and your sister were doing differently back then.

There had to be something like you knew where they hid the snacks or something like that.

You love carrots?

Why?

Because I'm orange?

I think it's just the picture.

You're also just a little bit bigger than her.

Yes, I don't exactly think it was carrots that did it.

Definitely not carrots.

I would say lots of sharp.

That was a Garfield Garfield joke.

Put the mic down, Red Band.

Very good.

Very good.

Let's stick with the sound effects there.

All right.

Anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

Crazy?

No.

No.

No.

I think you're very pretty.

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

You look like Rosie O'Donnell before she became a dude.

That's true.

That is true.

And I agree.

Yeah.

There's no crowding in passion.

I do have a joke, and it's for this, it's, I look like the love love child of The Rock and Rosie O'Donnell.

Yeah, yeah, I see that.

So, do all your jokes require you to be holding that picture?

No.

Okay.

But it's just a good, it's a good, solid one.

So, Brian Timps is going to go home and jerk off to all the contestants on this show.

You're like, damn, there's a lot of fine ass on this show.

I likes what I like.

Yeah, just give me a white girl that hates herself.

Kelly Lusk, that was fantastic.

Your interview was great.

Great presentation.

I like it.

There's a big joke book.

Hell of a catch.

Truly a Texan with that right-hand swipe picture in the left.

How about one more time for Austin's own Kelly Lusk, ladies and gentlemen?

What a goddamn show.

Did you guys have fun tonight?

There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen.

And it is with, undoubtedly, the Hall of Famer with the record for most all-time appearances and interviews, the man

who God himself

says

favorite comedian.

A man who, when he goes to the dog park, King Charles lays down and begs for his mercy.

Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine.

This is William Montgomery.

Remember when they stormed Osama bin Laden's safe house and they claim they found pornos?

I'm starting to think he was just watching Diddy and a burqa

Texas just banned the sale of all marijuana products and the Republicans seem very excited.

You know who else is very excited?

The cartels.

Daft Punk is releasing a new anime movie.

It's called Nerd Alert.

But seriously, you can tell Daft Punk are French robots because they smoke cigarettes and cheat on their wives.

The price of eggs is so high, I started selling my girlfriends.

Okay, Tony, that's my time.

Wow, a force of nature has done it again.

These people, sometimes they've been doing it for years, sometimes they've been doing it for months, sometimes they take a break to raise kids.

And meanwhile, every time, somehow, no one shakes the room quite like you do.

Isn't it something?

Again and again,

a man so beloved, so likable, that he just comes in and absolutely dominates.

Let's talk about it, William.

Tony, it was so scary coming in here today.

It was storming outside, and I get right to the back door, and I see a thing of lightning and hear a loud clap of thunder right when I got to the back door.

It was really scary, Tony.

And then what happened?

And then I banged on the door and somebody let me in.

I was like, oh my God, it's raining out there, y'all.

It's like storming out there, man.

Get me out of there.

Do you like the rain?

Yes, I love the rain.

It's really good good for the plants.

It's good for all the plants, and I love

the rain.

You have a lot of plants?

Yeah, I got some in my bedroom.

What are some of your favorite plants that you have?

Oh, shit.

I mean, I got a pretty good pothos right now.

Aloe plant.

Ooh.

Something called a prayer plant.

And you think it's dead, but then it comes back to life.

What else?

I got some sort of peace lily?

And that's about it.

You got a peace lily?

I don't know why it was hard to say that.

Yeah, I got a peace lily.

How long have you had this peace lily?

Shit, Tony.

Maybe

12 months?

Wow.

You mean one year?

A year?

Fed the peace lily.

Sorry, I feed it in monthly installments, so it's ages and months in my head.

Okay,

I love it.

Amazing.

Wow, are you looking forward to getting any more plants?

Ooh, yeah, Tony.

I mean, I've been thinking about maybe a

cactus.

Yeah, cactus.

Maybe a.

The crowd and a fern.

um

a bonsai

Somebody else help me or can somebody else please give me another plant Tony this is embarrassing I thought I knew more plants

It seems like the crowd fucking loves it

Every time you say a plant they get very excited maybe around Christmas time you're going to get a

Amaryllis

and if Texas ever approves it maybe a marijuana

we got to get Governor Abbott to straighten out his act

We need that to be legal.

Name some more plants saying you're my young.

I'm already struggling, Tony.

It's already kind of embarrassing.

Just with his fur?

Maybe a ficus?

Wandering Jew?

You piece of Jew!

A wandering Jew?

That doesn't sound right.

Wandering Jew.

How'd you get me with that, sir?

Oh, banana plant?

No.

Red band.

Nah.

That's a tree.

That's a stupid one.

That's a tree.

Yeah, that's a tree.

Yeah, that's a tree.

Yeah.

Name some more plants that you might be interested in getting.

Around Christmas time, maybe a red-leafed plant known as a...

Monstera!

Wait, no, hold on.

What was that one again?

What did you say?

A plant with red leaves around Christmas time.

Set up.

Close enough, we'll allow that.

Mistletoe.

I hate this, Tony.

Oh, it's so good.

The horns.

The horns joining the fray and playing sadly if you're not committed or don't say it correctly and playing loudly and excitedly if you nail the name of the plant.

Why don't you just think of some types of things that you see outside?

Those are basically plants, right?

Like

maybe a

William.

William.

Oak tree!

Wait, Tony, how about a Magnolia tree?

What about a paltry, Tony?

And then maybe a bush of some sort.

Yeah, a bush.

Are you ever going to stop loving playing?

I'm ever going to stop loving playing.

William Montgomery has done it again.

The king.

The King Charles of Kiltoni, William Montgomery.

This

has been another episode brought to you by ExpressVPN by an incogni

Giannis Papas has his new YouTube special at the History Hyenas Hyenas YouTube location.

It is called Property Owner.

It was filmed here at the mothership.

You know what else was filmed here at the Mothership?

Live from the Mothership, Brian Simpson,

a super regular, one of the great comedians that had the balls to move here from Los Angeles to Austin, and since then performs in theaters and arenas all around the world.

Get tickets at BrianSimpsonComedy.com.

We have, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, before you leave, we have both of the artists here tonight.

Ryan J.

Ebelt has been drawing every episode since the earliest episodes, and that's Giannis and Brian Simpson, everybody.

It kind of looks like that girl and her sister.

Absolutely beautiful.

Brian, you've never looked better, Brian.

He even opened your eyes a little bit just for the sake of...

Hey, let me get that.

Let me get that.

Can I get that?

It looks like I adopted a black baby.

I'm a hero.

Chris Rogers, what'd you draw tonight, buddy?

The local legend.

Oh, Casey Rocket playing basketball

ryanje belt.com for every print you'll see these guys in the lobby on your way out uh red man check out secret show every thursday sunsetstripatx.com i love you guys we will see you at madison square garden and that episode will be on a large streaming platform

Have fun, everybody.

God bless you and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

Good night, everyone.

Expresso.

Martini Martini, Espresso, Espresso, Martini,

Expresso, Espresso, Martini, Martini, Mike.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

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