#722- BRIAN SIMPSON + YANNIS PAPPAS

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 5 Hey, this is Red Bick coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 7 Get over Tony H.

Speaker 9 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 9 And that

Speaker 13 is the best damn band in the land yet again.

Speaker 17 Make some noise for Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Nachos Belgrande, Huevos Rancheros, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 The great

Speaker 15 mortician Matt Muelling on the electric guitar tonight.

Speaker 20 John Dees on the keys

Speaker 22 and live in the flesh. This is indeed D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 5 Oh, Lord.

Speaker 19 Here we are another beautiful Monday in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 28 This is the number one comedy show now in the world.

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Speaker 41 Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh?

Speaker 42 Every single week, I book one or two of the best comedians in the world.

Speaker 12 This is a two-comedian panel tonight.

Speaker 47 Two of who I believe are truly two of the best comedians working today.

Speaker 16 Monsters, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Giannis Pappas and Brian Simpson.

Speaker 16 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 17 Let's fucking go.

Speaker 13 Giannis Poppins.

Speaker 50 His new YouTube special property owner out now on the History Hyenas YouTube.

Speaker 26 And Brian Simpson has live from the mothership on Netflix.

Speaker 5 Shot here.

Speaker 8 Here we are.

Speaker 35 Welcome, gentlemen.

Speaker 52 Welcome back, boys.

Speaker 32 How are you guys?

Speaker 53 Good, good. Things have been good.
Good to see you again.

Speaker 52 We're going to have some fucking fun tonight.

Speaker 55 You're just as red as I remember.

Speaker 2 That's me.

Speaker 25 That's me. Filled with testosterone, hot yoga.

Speaker 57 I sauna before this.

Speaker 45 I basically do everything to be as red as possible.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 34 Yeah. The red man takes the opposite approach.

Speaker 25 He's a beautiful gray tonight, a stunning gray.

Speaker 61 He sits on his couch and does virtual reality until six in the morning the night before.

Speaker 5 He's lacking sleep and vitamins.

Speaker 41 His hat is covered in cat hair.

Speaker 59 You probably can't see that.

Speaker 28 He's a disgusting pig.

Speaker 51 But I'm red. You are correct.
I'm red.

Speaker 34 Brian Simpson, welcome back to the show. Yeah, man.

Speaker 67 I'm always higher than I planned on being.

Speaker 68 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 70 You look so high.

Speaker 15 I've never seen a black Asian man before, but those eyes are closed, buddy.

Speaker 22 My goodness gracious.

Speaker 67 I'm having a good time.

Speaker 71 I love it.

Speaker 75 You and D-Madness look like two different generations of absolutely blind people.

Speaker 5 It's incredible.

Speaker 48 225 human beings signed up for this show tonight.

Speaker 28 Anything can happen.

Speaker 25 They're all piled into a bar next door.

Speaker 77 If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 79 You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 56 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriwest Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

Speaker 48 I conduct an interview and we find out more about them.

Speaker 34 Maybe more about their crazy lives, what they could talk about on stage, or just an overall interesting interview. I'm going to go with this Peanut Min M right here.

Speaker 70 I'm going to let him pick the first name.

Speaker 58 Peanut M ⁇ M with sunglasses on the top of his head just to fucking be cool, you know what I mean?

Speaker 9 Because the sun's already down, dude. Maybe it comes back out tonight, dude.

Speaker 5 Fucking, I'll just keep these right here just in case.

Speaker 43 Good old yellow MM, one of my favorites.

Speaker 63 While we go wrangle that comedian from next door, we have a golden ticket winner who's gonna get the show started with a brand new 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 Make some noise.

Speaker 77 You know him. You love him.

Speaker 50 This is David Jolly, everybody.

Speaker 18 Here we go.

Speaker 18 How y'all doing today, white people in Puerto Rico?

Speaker 87 Hell yeah. I've been in Texas now for two years.

Speaker 88 Hell yeah.

Speaker 87 Hell yeah. Finally make two years.
I like the Mexicans out here. Y'all different than like Florida Mexicans.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 87 Only thing I don't like is as soon as y'all and Buila get over here, y'all get them a job at Walmart.

Speaker 87 And I think that's bullshit because them people rude as hell.

Speaker 87 I went up to the lady the other day. I was like, hey,

Speaker 90 Tia,

Speaker 90 can you tell me where an anti-personary deodorant is?

Speaker 27 And she said, me don't speak English.

Speaker 42 I was like, this bitch is rude, ain't she?

Speaker 87 But it's amazing how I go back to my car and I put on my homemade ice shirt.

Speaker 45 Now everybody speaks English.

Speaker 87 I go back in there and say, that same lady, hey, you know what a deodorant is at now?

Speaker 32 Howdy, partner.

Speaker 93 You looking for an an anti-personal deodorant?

Speaker 87 That's J22, Buckaroo.

Speaker 87 I go down to get the deodorant. I come back.
This bitch sang in the Star Spangler Banner.

Speaker 95 I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 87 Thank y'all. That's my time, man.
Y'all get a bunch of thumbs.

Speaker 11 Damon. Charlie.

Speaker 87 Yeah, yeah. Appreciate that.

Speaker 48 So the Latina women, they, when you wear an ice shirt, they know English all of a sudden.

Speaker 67 Yeah, they know it real good.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Good old Texas accent and all.

Speaker 57 And did they go, did they have have to unlock the deodorant for you from the locked-up case or whatever Walmart you're shopping at?

Speaker 67 You gotta unlock it for everybody, motherfucker.

Speaker 71 Well, I don't know if it's for everybody, we all got different Walmarts in different neighborhoods, if you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 87 Oh, no, it's definitely a lock on the one I go to. It's definitely a lock, absolutely.
I like them when it be like crackheads in front of the stove, you know what I mean?

Speaker 87 That's my maybe feel good about myself. I'm doing better than them.

Speaker 45 Because you used to be that.

Speaker 98 No, I ain't never been a crackhead.

Speaker 97 I've been pretty broke.

Speaker 100 I've been pretty broke, man.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Still look like it.

Speaker 51 Brian Simpson.

Speaker 97 It's funny.

Speaker 67 He said he never been a crackhead, but he looked like they could send him undercover with crackheads.

Speaker 38 No doubt.

Speaker 57 You could totally play an undercover crackhead.

Speaker 71 You could play an overcover crackhead.

Speaker 70 You could go in and be the alpha of the crackheads, like that King Charles dog. Like you could go and calm down the other crackheads just by your presence.

Speaker 103 All the other crackheads chill out of bed.

Speaker 87 If them niggas paying, we can start this job today. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 87 I don't give a damn.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 57 You feel me? Oh, I feel you, David.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 104 I feel you.

Speaker 91 Very, very rough skin. I feel you.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 87 I just put on lotion, but it kind of like, you got to put it on like three different layers when it's.

Speaker 66 Y'all don't know what I'm talking about. Don't worry about it, man.

Speaker 5 We all know what you're talking about.

Speaker 51 You look.

Speaker 87 You don't even wear lotion, Tony.

Speaker 33 Surprisingly, I do, David Jolly.

Speaker 45 I don't have to.

Speaker 31 I wouldn't turn into absolute dust if I didn't like you, but I still do it.

Speaker 71 It's for aging reasons so that I don't become an undercover crackhead like you.

Speaker 74 White people still can use lotion.

Speaker 57 There are many benefits.

Speaker 8 Fuck you, Tony.

Speaker 57 How's life been, David?

Speaker 106 What's going on in real life?

Speaker 87 Yeah, man, everything good.

Speaker 87 Back in the days, you know, like, I'd be bored at a house now, so I'm about to start playing bingo.

Speaker 57 You're going to play bingo at your house?

Speaker 87 house no i'm gonna go to the one that's on uh being white boulevard it closes at like 10 30.

Speaker 87 hey them old ladies be they be intense in that motherfucker boy they be using some words right old slurs you know what i mean yeah them hoes professionals in that motherfucker you hear me hell yeah a lot of a lot of lot of n's in that game of bingo a lot of n's and c's and j's

Speaker 67 one bitch called me a z i ain't never heard a z that's crazy brian simpson i don't think you should be shocked to hear somebody say, nigga, on Ben White Boulevard.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 87 Hey, I know it. I'm getting myself into.

Speaker 67 I'm ready. They've been white.

Speaker 87 Yeah, they've been white a long time.

Speaker 71 Ben White is a real street, for those of you wondering.

Speaker 109 It's a very famous street here.

Speaker 87 They got a nice bingo hall over there. It closed like 10.30.

Speaker 39 They really do. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 96 How do you even know about this?

Speaker 87 Because I've been Googling. I be Googling a lot.

Speaker 51 Googling what?

Speaker 75 Places to rob?

Speaker 71 I have a feeling you're going to be showing up at 10.30 in the parking lot.

Speaker 87 It's a lot of dollar bills in there, motherfuckers.

Speaker 111 I got robbed by six feet of dust.

Speaker 5 I swear.

Speaker 76 Oh, man.

Speaker 23 Fuck you, Tony.

Speaker 58 That sounds like some good merch, a good old fuck you, Tony shirt.

Speaker 59 I probably would sell.

Speaker 87 I might need to go make that bitch tonight. You know I make shirts, right?

Speaker 2 I bet you do make shirts. I do.
i'm serious absolutely anything to make that dollar bill baby abs absolutely no doubt about it you feel me okay again

Speaker 87 and again we definitely do anything else crazy going on david jolly before we keep a million just living a dream and dropping this content just you know the same role you know being a comic and uh living the dream baby you feel me yep what's your instagram so that people can see the stuff you're making you're making some funny stuff

Speaker 5 up right now yeah

Speaker 59 Pope, the Black Pope.

Speaker 5 Oh, you seen it? You checked it out?

Speaker 102 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Tony.

Speaker 103 That's all right, Tony.

Speaker 87 That's all right. It's Mr.
D. Jolly on Instagram and Facebook.
All of that shit is Mr. D.
Jolly, man. I appreciate that, Tony.

Speaker 5 There you go.

Speaker 50 David Jolly got the show started for us, and like that, it has begun. And now, we go to the bucket.
This is where shit gets a little wacky, because we're meeting people.

Speaker 81 We knew David before this.

Speaker 69 We knew we'd have a new good minute. This is where anything can happen.

Speaker 48 We could be one of the next great comedians of the future.

Speaker 80 Could be an absolute fucking idiot.

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from your first bucket pull.

Speaker 50 He goes by the name of Justin Platts, everyone.

Speaker 11 Justin Platts.

Speaker 93 What is up, you trap-ass hoes?

Speaker 98 How we living? My name's Justin, and Justin likes busting.

Speaker 98 That's right. I can prove it.
I've got a kid.

Speaker 98 I know what you're thinking. This is a supervised visitation and/or alternating weekend dad face it best, right?

Speaker 98 No way. This is a full custody father, people.

Speaker 100 That's right.

Speaker 57 That's right.

Speaker 98 Thank you. And my son just graduated high school.

Speaker 15 He just graduated high school with a sports scholarship.

Speaker 98 That's right.

Speaker 117 I did not think the puberty blockers were going to work that well either.

Speaker 66 So

Speaker 98 you're just as surprised as me.

Speaker 83 I was fucking skeptical.

Speaker 98 Yeah, my son is 18, and

Speaker 98 he just turned 18, and he pissed me off really bad the other day. He pissed me off so bad, I actually turned in his draft registration card.

Speaker 98 Yeah, I'm hoping that this Ukraine conflict kicks up so that way I can put Empty Nester on my bumble profile, you know? And it not be a lie.

Speaker 98 That's right, I am back on the dating apps. One thing I've learned about dating apps, you can't be totally honest on those things, right?

Speaker 98 For example, this is six foot four on all the platforms right now.

Speaker 118 Yep. All right, that's my time.

Speaker 62 Okay,

Speaker 11 Justin Klatz.

Speaker 41 Welcome to the show, Justin.

Speaker 85 You really have a... He's 18?

Speaker 98 Yes, he just turned 18.

Speaker 57 Is that your only kid?

Speaker 98 Actually, he's about to turn 19, I'm sorry. Okay.
Yep, only kid, one and done.

Speaker 36 Wow. Snip, snip.

Speaker 68 How long were you with the baby mama?

Speaker 98 About an hour, actually.

Speaker 89 Wow.

Speaker 47 Look at that. That's all it takes.

Speaker 55 Pretty good.

Speaker 5 Absolutely incredible. We're able to make a child that fast.

Speaker 98 It only takes a second, apparently.

Speaker 11 Yep.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 78 And what's the kid doing?

Speaker 83 What does he do for work?

Speaker 98 He works at the Plasma Center currently, so he's killing it.

Speaker 75 He's pretty interesting. Is he works there?

Speaker 98 Is he donating plasma? He's donating plasma, yeah.

Speaker 47 He's donating plasma.

Speaker 98 Really? I've been trying to get him to get a job, and he's just not about that life.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 15 How do you inspire him?

Speaker 62 What do you do for work?

Speaker 98 I work in commercial solar, like solar construction, primarily.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 39 Are you good at it?

Speaker 98 No, I suck at it, but.

Speaker 11 All right.

Speaker 98 What do you do for fun, justin uh for fun i like to ride my my dirt bike around i live in colorado that's primarily what i do ride that dirt bike smoke the weed you know okay you ride it unofficially i wouldn't actually i don't really do that what what on cameras i don't do that but you know i got a real job

Speaker 114 okay

Speaker 108 all right just it's a union gig so this is

Speaker 71 well you already said it now everyone knows you smoke pot you're gonna have to deal with that later buddy i tried it once in high school school.

Speaker 98 That was all it was.

Speaker 60 All right, Justin.

Speaker 104 All right.

Speaker 61 What was your childhood like?

Speaker 58 Were your parents there for you?

Speaker 98 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 40 It was fun.

Speaker 98 What do you mean by fun? My mom worked. My dad kind of hung out.

Speaker 57 It was cool. What did your mom do for work?

Speaker 98 She worked in a lot of factories.

Speaker 5 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 34 And your dad stayed at home while your mother was working in factories.

Speaker 32 Pretty much.

Speaker 98 He would make us clean the house and take the credit, actually. So he's a smart guy.

Speaker 91 Incredible.

Speaker 113 And you live in Colorado now?

Speaker 98 I sure do, yeah. What part?

Speaker 32 Denver.

Speaker 78 Okay, in the city?

Speaker 98 Thornton, technically, yeah, but North Denver. North Denver.
Represent.

Speaker 14 North Denver. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 58 You're not in Denver, so it's hard to represent here.

Speaker 59 Brian Simpson.

Speaker 67 I feel like we're talking to two different people, and I only like one of them.

Speaker 98 Is this a dating app right now?

Speaker 56 Wow, this is.

Speaker 56 Justin, are you really on on dating apps?

Speaker 98 Sadly, yeah.

Speaker 51 Okay, and how does that go for you?

Speaker 98 Not going good, Tony.

Speaker 56 Have you been on a date from it?

Speaker 98 Not in a while, no.

Speaker 24 Not in a while, so yes.

Speaker 98 Not in a long time. It's just a lot of empty chatting, you know?

Speaker 121 No, I don't know.

Speaker 98 Don't know. You're not on it.

Speaker 47 I'm asking you.

Speaker 57 I'm trying to gather the information so that we could talk about it.

Speaker 15 It's very hard to get answers.

Speaker 98 I forget everyone's not this alone.

Speaker 59 You're afraid your solar bosses are listening all of a sudden.

Speaker 29 Your solar overlords.

Speaker 98 Well, cheating on those drug tests is not cheap, dude.

Speaker 80 Now you're fired. I mean,

Speaker 5 I wouldn't do that.

Speaker 2 Obvious now.

Speaker 71 You and your son are going to be dirt biking high together for a while.

Speaker 74 Does he still live with you?

Speaker 98 Yeah, kind of. He goes back and forth between my house and his mom's house.

Speaker 88 At 18.

Speaker 98 Yeah, he's a big mama's boy, so one of my... I can't argue with it, you know?

Speaker 83 You could. You're you're the father.

Speaker 24 Yeah, you could literally inspire him to get his life together.

Speaker 98 I try, like, I'll threaten to take away the cell phone or the car or something. It just doesn't have the same effect at my, you know, when I was that age.

Speaker 98 You cut off the internet, though. You can really get to him, you know? That's when you can really.

Speaker 106 What does he do if there's no internet?

Speaker 69 Oh, he'll have a real big fit. It's fun.

Speaker 98 It's like, damn, I actually feel like you love me right now. Let me turn the internet back on.

Speaker 58 wow this is all so bizarre child

Speaker 121 i'm sorry guys i mean red band has a question i mean for 18 you know like he doesn't have any job do you get you guys still give him money i've been asking him to get a job no i have not given him money in a while he's been going to the plasma center to make ends you can only make so much money yeah you realize your kid's gonna run out of blood soon i dude i tell him i'm like that's precious dog you gotta hold on to that stuff but can't get through to these kids you know how long have you been doing stand-up about four years four years my god all of it there in denver the comedy work kind of yeah yeah kind of hitting the denver scene kind of hard right hitting it hard you take your you take your dirt bike to shows uh yeah because the parking is so convenient you know you just put it on the sidewalk no give us some more white trash things about you you're you know we're grazing

Speaker 51 we're grazing upon it with the dirt bike i want to know more about you let's just delve a little more into justin i'm really into like leftover foods probably oh yeah here we go.

Speaker 124 Okay, let's talk about it.

Speaker 49 We all, it's a big leftover food audience we have here tonight.

Speaker 119 Tell us what your limits are.

Speaker 9 So let's say you had like chicken and rice, right, for dinner or something.

Speaker 34 Let's say it's grilled chicken.

Speaker 98 That's part sub, you know. That's what?

Speaker 75 That's mid.

Speaker 98 That's what the kids would call mid.

Speaker 74 But why? Why would they call the chicken and rice mid?

Speaker 98 Well, you know, like.

Speaker 98 For example, when I'm eating like leftover chicken curry, I like that because the inside of my microwave will actually match my toilet bowl.

Speaker 75 And decor is important.

Speaker 60 Justin, why don't you just stick with the easy questions that I'm asking you, trying to set you up for success here, and you keep turning this into a

Speaker 62 Colorado open mic fucking.

Speaker 51 True.

Speaker 94 The toilet look like a dirty microwave by the time I'm done with it.

Speaker 58 You fucking idiot.

Speaker 72 So let's talk about it.

Speaker 85 I'm curious to know.

Speaker 71 You're into leftovers.

Speaker 68 So how far would you let it?

Speaker 34 You brought up chicken curry. Let's go chicken curry.

Speaker 85 Let's say you order chicken curry at nighttime.

Speaker 78 We'll say 6 p.m.

Speaker 68 even, early evening dinner, right?

Speaker 74 What's the longest you'll let that chicken curry?

Speaker 23 Now, are you keep it out lukewarm leftover?

Speaker 25 Are we talking into the refrigerator leftovers?

Speaker 98 Well, it depends on the amount of curry in there because that kind of like keeps it stable for a while.

Speaker 54 You're trying to overthink everything that I'm asking you.

Speaker 79 These are all simple questions.

Speaker 72 We're all setting it up.

Speaker 15 Say a week, one week. Oh, that's fucking disgusting.

Speaker 29 Oh, that's terrible.

Speaker 59 Oh, that's terrible.

Speaker 2 That's not good.

Speaker 65 How about in the refrigerator?

Speaker 5 How long in the refrigerator?

Speaker 57 No, I know, I know.

Speaker 24 Nobody laughed. It's crazy, but uh.

Speaker 59 Brian Simpson.

Speaker 67 I think we figured out why he's not getting no dates off the apps.

Speaker 57 Yeah, because he's shitting his pants.

Speaker 30 I'm going to check in with my senior leftover correspondent, Brian Redband, here.

Speaker 24 Who is the master of leftovers?

Speaker 43 He will have leftovers until there are none left over.

Speaker 5 He dilapidates them.

Speaker 85 Leftovers fear fear this man.

Speaker 82 When they go into the refrigerator, they know, oh, we're gonna see that face again.

Speaker 15 This is the last face that leftovers see before they become nothing leftovers.

Speaker 2 I hate leftovers.

Speaker 112 Whoa,

Speaker 52 Mr. Fresh over here.

Speaker 5 Like a fresh.

Speaker 122 I keep it out for a couple hours just to see if I want to dig back in, but other than that, I have the girl eat it.

Speaker 51 It is true.

Speaker 44 I will leave things out for about an hour or two.

Speaker 79 Truth be told, I will like it because I'm a bit of a waster, right?

Speaker 42 You know, I've worked hard.

Speaker 70 I've worked very hard.

Speaker 26 And I know there's always a feeling nowadays.

Speaker 68 It wasn't always this way back in the day when I really needed that food and I was out of money. I fucking needed it.

Speaker 79 But there's a thing now.

Speaker 34 When I put something in the refrigerator, I just know that I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart.

Speaker 51 Like, I know for a fact it's definitely going in the trash, but I go through the thing where, like, I'm a good person.

Speaker 47 There's starving people, but there's 100%.

Speaker 62 There's no fucking way.

Speaker 57 There's no way I'm going to touch it again.

Speaker 66 I literally have no idea how to use my microwave.

Speaker 29 Sometimes pizza, though, I'll go back on pizza.

Speaker 51 I bet you fucking will.

Speaker 62 I bet you will.

Speaker 83 We're having fun here.

Speaker 58 Red Band and I have worked together for 12 years, if you can't tell.

Speaker 74 What else?

Speaker 77 Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go?

Speaker 43 This has gone on way too long for how good you are at answering questions.

Speaker 104 Perfect.

Speaker 16 Here's the little joke book, buddy.

Speaker 115 Congratulations. We'll see you again soon.

Speaker 116 On we go, and that's how it works.

Speaker 91 Justin Platts saved. Oh

Speaker 120 my God.

Speaker 91 Oh

Speaker 50 my God.

Speaker 130 The lovely Heidi is here gracing us with her presence.

Speaker 72 All this talk of leftover foods.

Speaker 50 And there she is.

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Speaker 132 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 8 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 135 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 132 Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket looks like another spell of itchy red skin. If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option.

Speaker 136 Hives during my next spa day? Not if I can help it. Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 50 All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Henry Cruz. Make some noise for Henry Cruz, everyone.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 137 I recently realized I got fat.

Speaker 137 Yeah, like I went to the strip club and she started playing with my titties.

Speaker 137 I'm like, yo, leave my titties alone. I got sensitive nipples.

Speaker 137 No, but I'm trying to lose weight because I'm trying to date, you know, but I'm 5'5.

Speaker 137 But on Tinder, I'm 5'9. But that's still not good enough.
Women are like, you're short. I don't like to think about it that way.
I'm the average height of a woman.

Speaker 137 I don't feel like a short man.

Speaker 3 I feel like a bad bitch.

Speaker 114 Period. Slay.

Speaker 40 Whatever they say.

Speaker 137 No, but I found a way to get taller, right? You could have surgery. But what they don't tell you is it only makes you three inches taller.
So you want me to go to surgery so I could be 5'8 ⁇ ?

Speaker 137 Got me fucked up. If I'm adding three inches to anywhere, it's not going to be my height.

Speaker 137 Like, three inches won't make me six feet tall, but it'll finally make me six inches.

Speaker 137 All right, thank you guys. That's about it.

Speaker 8 Henry Cruz.

Speaker 52 No way that he could have known that he's the second comedian in a row to lie about his height on a dating app.

Speaker 41 Is that what everybody's doing nowadays?

Speaker 91 Apparently, man, live.

Speaker 139 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 112 All right. Well, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 117 Are you really five uh yeah five five with shoes on five four without you and oh wait what five

Speaker 137 four without my shoes man five four without shoes yeah without the shoes we rock in here

Speaker 40 yoni let's get the tape as we're out here

Speaker 13 I have a feeling we might get lucky here.

Speaker 12 If he's 5'3, I'm buying the whole place a shot at Tequila right now.

Speaker 11 I'm in a mood tonight. I'm in a mood.

Speaker 95 Here we go.

Speaker 5 The moment of truth.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 21 Shoes off.

Speaker 21 Get those fucking shoes off, Henry Cruz. Oh, the lights are flashing.

Speaker 17 The sound guy, clearly, Jones Ingbird shot at Tequila.

Speaker 8 Whoa.

Speaker 21 Whoa, the crowd is into it.

Speaker 126 Stay still.

Speaker 73 Five, three, and a half. Five, three, and a half.

Speaker 73 Five, three, and a half, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 21 To think you guys were only a half an inch away from getting a shot of tequila here tonight.

Speaker 76 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 80 Absolutely. We got to follow the rules.

Speaker 32 Rules is rules.

Speaker 68 Yoni's a genius.

Speaker 30 Thank you, Yoni, for protecting me.

Speaker 8 Oh,

Speaker 49 buy yourselves a shot.

Speaker 5 Giannis.

Speaker 95 That almost felt like a weird slave auction for a slave we were.

Speaker 64 For a slave we were throwing out.

Speaker 5 We're like, ah, yeah, this one's no good.

Speaker 8 Oh, man.

Speaker 5 No doubt.

Speaker 137 I'm tall for Salvadorians, man.

Speaker 83 I'm tall.

Speaker 74 Is that what you are, Salvadorian?

Speaker 137 No, Mexican.

Speaker 123 Salvadorian.

Speaker 34 You're 100%?

Speaker 31 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 22 Are you sure about that?

Speaker 125 I was born here. You know what I mean?

Speaker 83 You were born here.

Speaker 35 Okay, everybody says that now

Speaker 5 with our new president of the United States.

Speaker 25 People make a real point.

Speaker 55 When you're Hispanic, that's like the I'm 21 now.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 15 I was born here.

Speaker 125 Sure, you were.

Speaker 85 What do your El Salvadorian parents do for a living?

Speaker 137 One of them's dad and the other one's, you know, cleaning lady.

Speaker 83 Typical, right?

Speaker 14 Okay, how'd dad die?

Speaker 137 Cancer.

Speaker 112 Yeah, cancer.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 11 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 5 Wow. When did that happen?

Speaker 137 2020.

Speaker 4 2020.

Speaker 11 My goodness.

Speaker 79 My goodness.

Speaker 74 That must have been hard, huh?

Speaker 114 Hey, we get over it. We get through it.

Speaker 8 Okay. All right.

Speaker 33 Looks like you kind of enjoyed it.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 74 What kind of cancer was it?

Speaker 137 What was it? Pancreas?

Speaker 2 Yeah, pancreatic. Oh, shit.

Speaker 60 Yeah, the pancreatic cancer.

Speaker 96 That's a tough one that works.

Speaker 62 Henry, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 137 So I deliver snacks.

Speaker 137 Route drive deliver snacks.

Speaker 65 You deliver snacks, specifically only snacks.

Speaker 137 Yeah, I route drive deliver snacks. You know, sometimes we get...

Speaker 63 What kind of snacks are you talking about?

Speaker 137 Like convenience stores, you know, I'll go to the stores.

Speaker 33 You only do convenience stores?

Speaker 137 Well, yeah, we get the bundles of like snacks and we take them to like different places. You know, so

Speaker 55 your friend sending you to the store is not an occupation.

Speaker 111 What exactly is this service called?

Speaker 137 Well, I can't name the company,

Speaker 137 but we just deliver, like, you know, how they have bags of chips and stuff like that, drinks. So, I just take it to them, you know, some to the stores.

Speaker 75 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 70 You're delivering from the warehouse to the stores.

Speaker 8 Okay, yeah, okay.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 137 Yeah, so sometimes a few snacks go missing, but you know.

Speaker 3 Shit, what are your favorite kind of snacks?

Speaker 5 I like Doritos, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 25 Very simple, man. man.

Speaker 75 Nacho Cheesy or Cooler Ranch?

Speaker 44 Oh, he loves Cooler Ranch.

Speaker 5 Cooler Ranch.

Speaker 8 Fuck yeah. Cooler Ranch.

Speaker 119 All right. What's your love life like, Henry?

Speaker 14 What's it like being 5'3 and a half, telling people that you're 5'5,

Speaker 80 lying truly a horrible lie about being 5'9?

Speaker 44 Oh, man.

Speaker 15 What's it like living this life of El Salvadorian dwarfism?

Speaker 137 Well, I mean, it doesn't help that I'm bad at sex, too, so it's going like...

Speaker 89 Tell us more.

Speaker 47 What do you mean you're bad at sex?

Speaker 44 You having a little problem with the puposa out there?

Speaker 91 Nice.

Speaker 115 It's a good reference.

Speaker 48 That's an El Salvadorian treat.

Speaker 57 It's a delicacy in El Salvador.

Speaker 124 A puposa.

Speaker 14 I might not know about the bean, but I know about puposas.

Speaker 106 What's your problem in the bedroom?

Speaker 5 Can you not get on the pedal?

Speaker 89 Hey, yo, can you put a little trampoline at the end of the bed?

Speaker 6 I'm gonna gonna fucking get up there like a luchador, dude.

Speaker 5 Baby, please help me.

Speaker 42 You said you'd never let go.

Speaker 42 I'm dying down there, dude.

Speaker 73 Hey, babe, come under the bed.

Speaker 110 Come under here.

Speaker 89 I swear to God, I'm gonna please you, dude.

Speaker 42 I'm gonna eat that pussy like a bag of cooler ranch Doritos.

Speaker 8 Come on, baby.

Speaker 5 I'm gonna make a snack go missing here.

Speaker 8 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 99 All right.

Speaker 137 Well, I do have asthma, so that doesn't help.

Speaker 11 God.

Speaker 68 Do you have an inhaler?

Speaker 137 Yeah, I got two in the back right now.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 144 Wow, you have a backup just in case?

Speaker 44 Yeah, you got to, man.

Speaker 23 Tough life.

Speaker 34 And when you're with a girl, sometimes that takes your breath away.

Speaker 85 I'm sure you get a little nervous, a little excited.

Speaker 74 So you got to pump on that shit, and her pussy goes drier than David Jolly's elbows

Speaker 5 she's got a rub lotion on her pussy

Speaker 25 three layers from what I understand three layers of lotion it takes

Speaker 85 so that happens where you need to use the inhaler on the girl you're like hey baby I swear to god I'm

Speaker 137 I swear to God when I catch my breath well I used I used to hide it like that's why I wear socks in bed because I just hide it in there you know you keep an inhaler in your sock

Speaker 63 and at 5'3 I bet that shit's clanking against the floor.

Speaker 44 Ticket to ticket sounds like a horse.

Speaker 5 Oh my god.

Speaker 85 So, give us an example of a time where you've really blown it in the bedroom.

Speaker 137 Oh, well, one time she told me, Hey, can you use a finger? Like, you know, she says sex is boring, but I gave her a wet willy.

Speaker 125 I don't think that's what she meant.

Speaker 125 Wow.

Speaker 27 She was like, wrong hole.

Speaker 19 All right. There you go.
Very good.

Speaker 74 Self-deprecating humor.

Speaker 19 We love that here.

Speaker 77 Henry, anything else crazy we should know about you before we keep it moving here?

Speaker 97 I like how this is going.

Speaker 42 It's good.

Speaker 94 It's a good interview.

Speaker 71 I'm so glad you lied about your height and that you're an embarrassment in the bedroom.

Speaker 25 You gave us a lot to work with, and that's what the show's all about. You know, it's not necessarily about the minute.

Speaker 69 It's about being honest in the interview.

Speaker 19 Clearly, unlike the last guy, you have no fear of losing your snack delivery job.

Speaker 82 It can only go up from here, much like your height.

Speaker 68 You know what I'm gonna do?

Speaker 34 Even though you're a small guy and the set was okay, I'm going to give you a medium-sized joke, Bug.

Speaker 11 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 21 Henry Cruz, here you go, buddy.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 86 He's got to reach down two and a half feet to pick that up right now.

Speaker 14 Oh, look at that. He didn't even have to bend over.

Speaker 80 That's the joy of being three foot four inches in the air.

Speaker 46 There he goes.

Speaker 55 The debut of Henry Cruz.

Speaker 5 Oh, we're cooking, baby.

Speaker 20 67.1 degrees here inside the room.

Speaker 85 Life is good.

Speaker 68 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 28 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Jessa Knuckles. Jessa Knuckles.

Speaker 51 This looks like a new name.

Speaker 17 Here's Jessa, everybody.

Speaker 17 Hello, hello.

Speaker 145 Hi, I'm Jessa Knuckles.

Speaker 145 I recently lost 40 pounds.

Speaker 145 So it no longer looks like I'm in the rodeo when I try to wipe my ass.

Speaker 145 However, I did gain 20 back, so it's back to the rodeo. I goeo.

Speaker 145 My doctor says that I might have sleep apnea, so I really hope it's true that men like Star Wars as much as they say because Lady in the Streets, Darth Vader in the sheets.

Speaker 145 Between, I'm also a type 1 diabetic, so between my diabetes and my sleep apnea,

Speaker 145 I really know how to keep a man

Speaker 145 up at night

Speaker 145 but on the plus side I pee so much men think I'm a squirter

Speaker 145 I got accused of

Speaker 125 uh oh uh

Speaker 145 I got dumped for having a wondering eye, but it turns out it's just lazy.

Speaker 145 All right, thank y'all.

Speaker 21 Hell yeah, Jessa Nichols.

Speaker 8 Knuckles.

Speaker 22 Knuckles. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 48 Wouldn't want to get that wrong.

Speaker 134 Absolutely. Hell no.

Speaker 40 Hell yeah.

Speaker 84 That was like a reverse dating app profile, what you just did.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 84 I lost weight, then I found it.

Speaker 9 I'm a loud sleeper, type one diabetic, and I pissed the bed.

Speaker 84 Lazy eyes.

Speaker 5 Stay away, everybody.

Speaker 125 Stay away from me.

Speaker 29 Holy shit, Giannis.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 145 But men aren't desperate, so I'm still getting railed.

Speaker 68 I bet you are.

Speaker 5 I bet you are.

Speaker 3 Listen.

Speaker 88 I like you. I like you.

Speaker 108 And a little tip for guys out there: if you're trying to save on heat in the winter, date this girl, sleep next to her.

Speaker 95 She'll warm you up real good. Hell yeah.

Speaker 88 I want to get the last guy out here and put him in a jockey outfit and put her on her.

Speaker 29 Is that okay?

Speaker 29 Hell yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 74 She'll probably have trouble breathing.

Speaker 54 She can borrow his inhaler for a second.

Speaker 145 I did wear my best Moo Moo for you.

Speaker 31 It is.

Speaker 79 Nothing better than a cow and a Moo Moo.

Speaker 14 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 8 Moo Moo.

Speaker 44 Oh, Antonio Brown.

Speaker 5 Look at that.

Speaker 88 I like to call her a San Antonio 8.

Speaker 94 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 145 I do well in San Antonio.

Speaker 47 That's what is implied.

Speaker 145 I'm like a San Antonio 10, honey.

Speaker 20 Oh, 10, sorry, 10, second.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 66 That is exactly what was implied there.

Speaker 26 So you're a type 1 diabetic, huh?

Speaker 145 Yeah, you wouldn't think, but true.

Speaker 80 I mean, I would have thought.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 35 For sure.

Speaker 64 Absolutely.

Speaker 145 One is the skinny one.

Speaker 119 Table of white guys just poured their drinks all over one another in absolute disgust.

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 15 Well, you are the best dressed person on

Speaker 109 stage tonight.

Speaker 119 It's very nice for you to wear our favorite grandmother's lampshade here.

Speaker 30 Jessa, what do you do for work?

Speaker 145 I'm a dog sitter.

Speaker 2 A dog sitter?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 92 Wow.

Speaker 5 You ever walk them?

Speaker 145 I do walk, Tony.

Speaker 43 I'm talking about the dogs.

Speaker 23 Because when you said sitter, I believed that part.

Speaker 14 I'm wondering if you're ever a dog stander, a dog walker, a dog.

Speaker 8 Do you squish them?

Speaker 145 I am fat, Tony. It's true.

Speaker 47 I like your style, Jessa.

Speaker 72 How long have you been doing this?

Speaker 75 How long did you be honest?

Speaker 88 Not to Brian Simpson. You're not.

Speaker 23 It is true.

Speaker 68 I have to check in with my senior anybody will do correspondent.

Speaker 12 My senior, may I borrow your sleep apnea mask correspondent.

Speaker 95 No, no, no.

Speaker 67 Y'all gotta write it. It's the skinny niggas that like fat white girls.
I'm a fat nigga. We gotta get David Jolly back out here.

Speaker 4 They go.

Speaker 67 He introduce her to Shea Butter, and he'll he'll take her down to the bingo hall.

Speaker 73 You know what I mean?

Speaker 145 I do love bingo.

Speaker 145 You just keep nailing me, Tony. It's like you're in love with me or something.

Speaker 66 Absolutely.

Speaker 85 You are my type one.

Speaker 139 I was.

Speaker 15 I have a feeling I'm your type two.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 145 I was going to bring you a bath bomb because I hear you like baths, but they strip you down at the door outside.

Speaker 42 Oh, I don't know. Okay.

Speaker 59 That's a lot there.

Speaker 5 There's a lot there.

Speaker 51 A lot to unpack.

Speaker 24 Much like the guys that take you home, a lot to unpack.

Speaker 127 So Jessa, what's an

Speaker 58 you're a dog sitter.

Speaker 5 Where do you live?

Speaker 145 I live in Austin.

Speaker 43 You live in Austin.

Speaker 57 How long have you lived in Austin?

Speaker 145 About 15 years.

Speaker 123 15 years?

Speaker 32 Where were you at?

Speaker 145 I went to college here. You went to college here.

Speaker 112 Absolutely. A longhorn.

Speaker 71 Yeah. And a wide lady.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 81 Okay, Jessa, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 43 Austin's a very wild place.

Speaker 119 Lots of things to do.

Speaker 68 You could float on the river.

Speaker 113 You could sink on the river.

Speaker 40 What do you do?

Speaker 145 Oh, baby, I sink in the bottom of the pool.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 45 So does Brian Simpson.

Speaker 23 Let's check in with Brian Simpson again.

Speaker 145 I already tried to share my sleep apnea mask with you, but you weren't having it, so it's done now.

Speaker 35 Oh, my goodness

Speaker 5 oh my goodness

Speaker 145 so jessa what do you do for fun what are some hobbies of yours uh i make jewelry okay is that on sale somewhere is it on etsy or something um it's on my instagram okay what's your instagram uh at jesse b boots jesse b boots all right yeah i used to make cowboy boots in college when i made that instagram so okay to updating to current events what made you get out of the boot game?

Speaker 145 Sexual harassment.

Speaker 30 You were being sexually harassed?

Speaker 145 Yes, I used to be quite the looker, Tony. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 85 Where do you think you lost?

Speaker 32 What happened?

Speaker 125 You know?

Speaker 71 Sometimes I'm just like not trying to be mean, and it just comes across as we have a dog sitting.

Speaker 145 What happened? It was all that dog sitting.

Speaker 123 Really?

Speaker 8 No. What were you eating them?

Speaker 80 Are you hot dog sitting?

Speaker 125 How do you.

Speaker 145 I lock my dogs on a bun.

Speaker 145 Hire me, USA.

Speaker 125 Hire me.

Speaker 69 I love it when people go with the flow.

Speaker 59 That's amazing.

Speaker 20 So you didn't graduate college?

Speaker 145 Oh, I did graduate college.

Speaker 149 And you're dog sitting and making jewelry?

Speaker 145 Yeah, I'm doing what I love.

Speaker 75 D-Madness.

Speaker 24 It's okay. There's a flood watch, D.

Speaker 62 Just to let you know, I'll fast-forward it for you so you don't get worried.

Speaker 58 There's a flood watch tonight.

Speaker 5 We are watered in here.

Speaker 58 We have excess water around us back to Jessa Nichols here

Speaker 145 Knuckles Tony.

Speaker 44 Knuckles. Knuckles.
Yep.

Speaker 145 Like a fist.

Speaker 51 Absolutely.

Speaker 88 Giannis.

Speaker 53 Did the jewelry around your neck, did you make that?

Speaker 145 No, this is actually locally done by an artist called Shock Factor.

Speaker 83 It's very nice.

Speaker 55 Very nice. I can't tell how big or small it is, you know?

Speaker 145 It's gargantuan, and it's stained glass. It's one of my favorite pieces.

Speaker 32 On you, it looks small.

Speaker 8 It's incredible.

Speaker 144 Jessa.

Speaker 145 That one was kind of lame.

Speaker 14 You didn't like that one?

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 84 I think you can do better.

Speaker 82 I can, and I've done better.

Speaker 49 I've done better a bunch.

Speaker 94 I've roasted the shit out of you for eight and a half minutes.

Speaker 9 We know I can and have done better.

Speaker 146 Stop saying roast.

Speaker 108 It's making her hungry.

Speaker 69 We love you.

Speaker 43 We love you, Jessa.

Speaker 48 We love you. I want to get you out of here on

Speaker 35 a big something.

Speaker 79 What else about you? Give me something else.

Speaker 30 Craziest thing that's ever happened while your dog's sitting.

Speaker 145 Oh, I have a friend and her dog has a broken paw. That was how she found the dog.

Speaker 83 It was with the already healed broken paw.

Speaker 145 And this Rottweiler uses it. We call it her rapin' paw.

Speaker 11 Uh-huh.

Speaker 112 Why do you call it that?

Speaker 145 Because she uses it to scoop you in so that she can hump you harder.

Speaker 27 Ah, okay.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 145 So

Speaker 145 I'm fighting these wild dogs off constantly. You'd think I would lose some weight, but no.

Speaker 60 I'm pretty sure that's your only threat of being raped, Jessa, so that's exciting.

Speaker 95 Oh, we're groaning now.

Speaker 14 She said, I can do better.

Speaker 54 You can roast harder than that.

Speaker 110 And then you guys go, oh, too much, too far.

Speaker 48 Shut the fuck up. You know what I'm going to do?

Speaker 129 Because I like the way you did this. I like the way you laughed at yourself and you took it.

Speaker 17 You're the first person tonight to get a big joke book, Jessa Knuckles.

Speaker 11 Boom.

Speaker 11 Hey.

Speaker 115 There goes Jessa Knuckles, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 50 Put that mic stand back where you got it there, Jessa.

Speaker 80 Jessa, put the...

Speaker 60 All right. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 50 Put the mic, stand back, Jessa.

Speaker 150 Good enough, Jessa. Good job.

Speaker 69 Yeah, that's the way.

Speaker 50 Last thing we need is Jessa's stage diving to get out of here tonight.

Speaker 91 I'm sure Rogan would love that lawsuit.

Speaker 50 Six people dead at Comedy Mothership on 6th Street.

Speaker 123 Comedian tries to exit the wrong

Speaker 132 And naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything, from the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Mary's.

Speaker 132 Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Speaker 132 Make your next cocktail with Tito's, distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas, 40% alcohol by volume, savor responsibly.

Speaker 50 All right, we know this young man. He's been on the show multiple times.
Make some noise for the return of Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 120 Michael Ridley.

Speaker 95 Hi, hello.

Speaker 93 I'm just kidding. I'm not that Asian.
That'd be crazy.

Speaker 93 I would kill myself if I was that Asian.

Speaker 93 I'm just kidding. I wouldn't kill myself.

Speaker 64 I would cure my hair.

Speaker 93 All right, cool. You guys are a little racist.

Speaker 93 You have retarded family members? Anybody else?

Speaker 66 Yeah, you're it, buddy.

Speaker 93 Yeah, dude, I got a super autistic brother, and it's pretty rough because, like I just remember as a kid

Speaker 93 We used to take him to these interviews to get him evaluated and the thing about my brother is like he's too retarded to keep a job But he's not retarded enough to get social security benefits So he's in this gray area of retardation learning disabled autism dude.

Speaker 93 We would take my brother to these fucking mental evaluation interviews as a kid and he's so autistic that he'd be like now's my time to show these people how smart I am

Speaker 93 It would be like this reverse WB frog situation. We'd bring him into these interviews.

Speaker 57 Can I finish it?

Speaker 88 Thank you. Nope.

Speaker 37 I'm just asking for permission.

Speaker 32 Wow.

Speaker 15 Are you the retarded family member?

Speaker 5 Yeah. Holy shit.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 22 What am I supposed to do?

Speaker 5 All right. You're done.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 41 You want to finish it, finish it.

Speaker 32 Okay, I'll fix it.

Speaker 28 It's not going to work now, but finish it.

Speaker 67 No, no, it'll work.

Speaker 5 No, yeah, it'll totally work.

Speaker 40 I don't know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 93 We'd bring him into these interviews, and he'd suddenly become affluent as fuck.

Speaker 93 We'd walk in and be like,

Speaker 88 yes, the triangle goes in the triangle hole and the square goes in the square hole.

Speaker 93 That's red, that's green, and that's blue. And then we'd get back in the car and he'd just...

Speaker 93 I'm Michael Ridley. Thank you so much.

Speaker 62 There you go. Okay.

Speaker 72 There you go.

Speaker 32 Hi, Michael.

Speaker 93 Hey, Tony, how are you?

Speaker 126 Is this true you have a retarded family member?

Speaker 93 I have a younger brother who's severely autistic, yeah.

Speaker 34 Severely autistic.

Speaker 93 Yeah, he's 30.

Speaker 43 Okay, and he really doesn't work?

Speaker 38 He tries to. What does he do?

Speaker 93 Usually like Taco Bell or like food service, and then he gets through the first two weeks.

Speaker 109 So he's basically the most employed person out of any of the bucket pulls we've had here tonight.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 125 I dwive of snacks.

Speaker 49 I dog sit.

Speaker 129 I get high and wide dirt bike.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 93 We did have a dirt bike. It was sick.

Speaker 57 A little 50cc.

Speaker 93 He's got a dirt bike?

Speaker 40 He did.

Speaker 93 Yeah, he loves bikes, dude. Wow.

Speaker 112 That's his thing. Okay.

Speaker 32 All right. Do you ever ride with him?

Speaker 93 I haven't seen him in a while, dude. I'm out here grinding.
He's back in Virginia where I'm from.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 96 I haven't talked to him in many moons.

Speaker 34 How do you think he's going to feel when he sees us?

Speaker 148 Let's check in with Brian Simpson here.

Speaker 91 Hey, Brian.

Speaker 67 I feel like severely retarded people need four wheels minimum.

Speaker 5 That's a good point.

Speaker 67 Y'all let us look out on two wheels.

Speaker 42 That's crazy.

Speaker 5 That's a good point.

Speaker 43 It's a regular bike.

Speaker 72 They call it a dirt bike because it's covered in dirt because he falls so much.

Speaker 93 Oh, dude, he eats shit on those things, dude. He's crazy.

Speaker 150 I bet those people do eat shit sometimes.

Speaker 57 Michael, let's talk about you because I don't think the apple falls far from the tree in this family.

Speaker 62 What are you doing for work?

Speaker 93 I've been doing stand-up full-time since April. I was just doing spots all over Austin.
It's a nightmare.

Speaker 75 When you say you're doing stand-up full-time as a job,

Speaker 113 how much money are you making, Michael?

Speaker 93 Well, I'm doing a podcast. I'm hosting whatever I can.
I've been hosting Roast battles for Roast Battle Austin. I did want to.

Speaker 66 Let's not stand up.

Speaker 74 How much do you get paid for that?

Speaker 93 I got like 70 for that.

Speaker 59 70.

Speaker 93 To host a whole Creek Roast Battle, yeah.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 34 That's actually more than I would have expected. So 70.

Speaker 41 How much are you making from your podcast?

Speaker 93 My podcast makes like $150 a month right now.

Speaker 57 From where? Where are you getting that $150?

Speaker 93 Patreon, baby.

Speaker 8 People.

Speaker 93 Yeah, I have a solid group of Frog Nation.

Speaker 44 Frog Nation. Yeah,

Speaker 41 what's the membership? 10 bucks a month?

Speaker 93 We got $1, $5, $10, and $20.

Speaker 93 We got a shit ton of $20 guys.

Speaker 40 You have a shit ton.

Speaker 14 Do you know how many you can have to make $150?

Speaker 114 That's seven.

Speaker 119 Seven would be the maximum.

Speaker 88 Dude, that's a lot.

Speaker 58 A shit ton?

Speaker 93 Dude, that's a lot. People are giving me $20.

Speaker 30 That's like $7.

Speaker 75 I wish we were so easily satisfied with...

Speaker 2 20 followers.

Speaker 93 You know, it ain't much, but it's an honest start, you know?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 52 All right, Michael, it is an honest start.

Speaker 24 So 150 a month plus 70 for a show that happens monthly you host it monthly or i i fill in for the current host he's on vacation so even the 70 that was the luck of god yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but you're counting on this 150 a month and you have to split that with a co-host right

Speaker 93 that's just you that was for me yeah wow incredible like officiated all the battles did opening spot and then hosted the pre-showcase before the battle ballpark what do you think you made this past month this past month probably cleared like shit, doggy, like three, four, hundred.

Speaker 105 Wow.

Speaker 14 And you have, I happen to know because she works here, you have a girlfriend that works here.

Speaker 64 I have a wife, yes.

Speaker 51 A wife that works here,

Speaker 25 and she's taking care of you.

Speaker 93 We take care of each other.

Speaker 54 How do you take care of her?

Speaker 93 I've adopted the role of house husband.

Speaker 89 Shit.

Speaker 93 Yeah, I'm a bitch.

Speaker 93 Yeah, I don't know if you guys understand how emasculating it is to get a peck on the cheek while you're doing the the dishes, but I would not recommend it at all.

Speaker 149 I always wonder, like, why doesn't more comics have like a, you know, a lunch shift at a restaurant or working like a nine to four job?

Speaker 102 I mean, I've my whole life, I've had two or three jobs my whole entire life.

Speaker 149 Like, I don't understand this rely on comedy shit at all. Yeah.

Speaker 93 So it wasn't like this always. When I first moved to Austin three years ago, I was working at Vulcan.
I had a work-from-home job and I used to work for Kiltoni. So I was like spread very thin.

Speaker 71 You worked for Kiltoni?

Speaker 93 Yeah, I worked for you for like a year, the first year mothership opened.

Speaker 32 Really? You worked for us three years?

Speaker 5 A little bit.

Speaker 129 I'm getting a smaller.

Speaker 68 You're like the guy that lied about his height.

Speaker 5 I'm getting a...

Speaker 3 Yeah, I used to work for you guys.

Speaker 93 Okay. A lot of free hoodies.

Speaker 28 Okay, we're going to need those back.

Speaker 15 We're going to have you wash them since you're a house bitch, and then you can give them back to us.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 77 Michael, anything else crazy we should know about you before?

Speaker 93 I've been training jujitsu with the mothership security guards for the last three months.

Speaker 140 Wow.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 93 I'm getting so powerful, dude.

Speaker 124 And do you have to pay for that?

Speaker 93 No, my wife pays for it.

Speaker 141 Oh, wow.

Speaker 71 My God.

Speaker 114 I get her discount.

Speaker 75 I get her discount. Wow.

Speaker 24 Guys, what do we think?

Speaker 88 Who is this woman that believes in him so much?

Speaker 108 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 93 It's a woman that's orgasming quite frequently.

Speaker 94 I don't know about that.

Speaker 59 I find this to be impossible.

Speaker 71 Tell us how you do it, Michael.

Speaker 58 The guys listening to this show all want to know your secret with a face like that.

Speaker 71 What the fuck do you do?

Speaker 5 Jesus made it worse.

Speaker 51 Frog style.

Speaker 103 Frog style squat point it down.

Speaker 103 What is that? Pride at home.

Speaker 54 You have her legs over her head or something?

Speaker 93 No, she's like maybe in a like your lady is probably like in a missionary position and her legs on your shoulders. This feels a lot like a jiu-jitsu class right now, but stick with me.

Speaker 34 No, this makes sense, actually.

Speaker 93 Yeah, her legs on your shoulders, your feet are on the bed like so. Sumo style, froggy style.
And then you just bounce on the bed.

Speaker 5 Right.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 34 That actually makes sense.

Speaker 116 It's one of the rare times that I've gotten an actual physical correct answer from the question, how do you please your woman in the bedroom?

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 19 I think it's been 12 years I've been asking that question.

Speaker 5 People are like, oh, I just hit my inhaler and pray for the best.

Speaker 107 But not you.

Speaker 79 You gave an actual answer there.

Speaker 93 Yeah, I'd be fucking.

Speaker 144 That's incredible.

Speaker 43 That is incredible. That's a lesson for everyone out there.

Speaker 32 Hit different angles.

Speaker 44 Try different things.

Speaker 25 Experiment.

Speaker 32 Mm-hmm. Very good.

Speaker 59 Congratulations.

Speaker 23 You already have joke books, right?

Speaker 67 I have one.

Speaker 93 Yeah, I have one from three years ago. Yep.

Speaker 35 Uh-huh. Is it filled?

Speaker 93 No, it sits on my thing as like a memento to keep going. There you go.

Speaker 71 Well, there, keep going for sure.

Speaker 72 It's your only option, Michael.

Speaker 28 All right, bye-bye.

Speaker 72 Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 93 I love you guys.

Speaker 72 Let's get...

Speaker 68 Another bucket pull out here, and then we're gonna do our special treat that we have.

Speaker 40 This next comedian looks like a new maybe we've seen this before make some noise here we go for bucket pull matt surrey everyone matt surrey

Speaker 108 what is up mothership

Speaker 55 now obviously you can tell i'm into extreme sports

Speaker 153 uh actually it's so true i i tried to go skydiving for my birthday the other year Now, I say try

Speaker 153 because when I got to the airfield, the lady took one look at me and was like,

Speaker 27 yeah,

Speaker 76 no,

Speaker 93 sorry.

Speaker 32 Apparently, I'm too fat to fall from the sky.

Speaker 153 Something about the reserve chute not supporting my mass.

Speaker 53 I'm like, I've seen them drop tanks into Ukraine, all right?

Speaker 153 It's crazy, man. I mean, I'd hit the gym, but you know, I got a hernia.
And it's not even a real man's hernia.

Speaker 153 It's an umbilical hernia, which basically means I'm so fat, my stomach has nowhere else to go.

Speaker 91 It's trying to come out my belly button.

Speaker 87 It's crazy.

Speaker 153 But it's not all bad. It's not all bad.
The other day at work, my boss said an idea I had was worth its weight in gold.

Speaker 104 And that got me thinking, what would I be worth if I were worth my weight in gold?

Speaker 32 So I figured it out.

Speaker 153 I'd be worth $15,492,675.

Speaker 44 That's right, I'm a cash cow.

Speaker 15 Now I just got to decide, do I want to sacrifice half of that just to go skydiving?

Speaker 102 All right. Thanks a lot, you guys.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 72 Matt Suri.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 8 Matt.

Speaker 42 What's up?

Speaker 5 A lot of facts there.

Speaker 59 Just a lot of facts.

Speaker 85 The hernia thing was a fact.

Speaker 5 The weight in gold was a fact.

Speaker 79 I'm pretty sure we all want to see that fucking belly button.

Speaker 16 Am I correct right now?

Speaker 17 Maybe I'm the only one?

Speaker 4 I mean, I don't know if they can handle it.

Speaker 48 I think they can handle it. Just find Kino on the lights.

Speaker 69 Give it to me.

Speaker 41 Sometimes our stoner lighting sound guy isn't paying attention to the show.

Speaker 25 Sometimes he is.

Speaker 57 You never know.

Speaker 28 Oh, my God. Is that a...

Speaker 89 Is that a...

Speaker 5 What is that? A rag?

Speaker 54 Wait a second.

Speaker 17 Let me see that fucking thing. Pull it out again.

Speaker 42 Oh, shit!

Speaker 126 Oh, shit, he's got a ball sack attached to his stomach.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 20 my God.

Speaker 75 He's got it.

Speaker 26 That's more than an Audi, my friend.

Speaker 51 That is more like the car.

Speaker 5 A-U-D-I.

Speaker 32 You could fit a family of five in that fucking belly button of yours.

Speaker 3 What are you going to do, man?

Speaker 66 I don't know.

Speaker 5 What are you going to do, man?

Speaker 29 That's a question for you and your doctor.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 62 Wow. What did they tell you?

Speaker 5 Lose weight.

Speaker 44 Okay, and how's that going?

Speaker 153 I mean, it goes pretty good, and then I get it all the fuck back again.

Speaker 15 How do you do it? How do you lose it?

Speaker 68 How do you gain it?

Speaker 153 I actually lost a lot of it just down the road at Optimum Health Institute doing like a juice fast and stuff.

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 153 Yeah, that works. I lost like 90 pounds.

Speaker 26 And then what'd you do?

Speaker 108 And then I just started eating again.

Speaker 8 What were you eating?

Speaker 54 I mean, just normal shit, man, but it's like stress.

Speaker 153 The stress, the fucking weight just stays off.

Speaker 153 Wow.

Speaker 150 Yeah, man. Wow, what are you stressed about?

Speaker 153 I just lost my job last week, man.

Speaker 34 Oh, my goodness. What was the job?

Speaker 153 I was a quality manager.

Speaker 56 A quality manager for what?

Speaker 153 For a Copac beverage company.

Speaker 5 Quality managers.

Speaker 34 What exactly does that mean?

Speaker 153 I just

Speaker 153 monitor food safety and food safety quality systems.

Speaker 112 Uh-huh.

Speaker 34 So, how did you lose the job?

Speaker 57 You seem like you'd be great at monitoring food.

Speaker 4 It seems like I, yeah.

Speaker 8 How did you

Speaker 4 help them with the

Speaker 34 how did you lose your job?

Speaker 153 I was basically hired just to help them get through their certification, did that, and then it was like...

Speaker 45 How long did you have the job?

Speaker 38 Four months. Okay, what did you do before that?

Speaker 153 Same similar thing.

Speaker 41 Same similar thing.

Speaker 153 Yeah, food safety for another, for actually a pet food manufacturing.

Speaker 45 Is that what you do? You do food safety?

Speaker 153 Food safety, yeah. And I used to do auditing full-time.

Speaker 112 Auditing.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 93 Did you get too intimate with the food?

Speaker 153 Well, you know.

Speaker 15 Who fired you? Loss prevention?

Speaker 102 You, motherfucker.

Speaker 153 Hit your fucking noise, man.

Speaker 68 You know what? You're right.

Speaker 43 He deserves it.

Speaker 5 That was good enough.

Speaker 109 Where's the sound effect?

Speaker 138 Here it is.

Speaker 50 Red Band.

Speaker 46 You did it again, Red Band.

Speaker 11 Yeah, man.

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 148 So, Matt Suri, tell us more about you. Tell us something very interesting.

Speaker 153 I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall. You did what? I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall.

Speaker 33 What the hell kind of solo did you sing at Carnegie Hall?

Speaker 153 It was Kyrie.

Speaker 74 What is it? Opera?

Speaker 75 What is that?

Speaker 155 It's like classical.

Speaker 2 You sing?

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 96 Oh, let's fucking hear a little something, dude.

Speaker 19 Let's hear a little something.

Speaker 17 You want the band with you, or are you going to go solo?

Speaker 153 I'll just sing you what I sang.

Speaker 119 Beautiful. Let's do it.

Speaker 112 All right, hold on.

Speaker 57 Sing your heart out and your belly button out.

Speaker 153 No, it's too high, man. My bad.

Speaker 27 You're

Speaker 91 a

Speaker 148 illegal

Speaker 89 crest.

Speaker 91 I felt the fucking test.

Speaker 28 Keep going, keep going.

Speaker 88 I enjoyed the comedy more than that.

Speaker 43 Is there like a peak part?

Speaker 54 Is there like a

Speaker 54 shit?

Speaker 44 There's no like climax to it or anything?

Speaker 5 No, nothing else, man.

Speaker 113 Jesus, I guess we could all fucking sing at Carnegie Hall then.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 69 How old are you?

Speaker 46 Oh man.

Speaker 22 Deep Madness is back.

Speaker 153 49 on Saturday.

Speaker 109 49 on Saturday. Yeah.

Speaker 108 I bet you he wishes he was deaf right this moment.

Speaker 95 Where do you, yeah, Brian?

Speaker 67 Do you realize every single go back and look at this shit? Every single time I'm a guest don't kill Tony, one of these motherfuckers said he could rap or sing.

Speaker 31 It turns into fucking a drink.

Speaker 89 Did you rather include the drums, Brian?

Speaker 67 Well, you were the only one that was lying.

Speaker 97 Everybody else.

Speaker 73 He

Speaker 80 is right.

Speaker 5 We can all sing

Speaker 121 like

Speaker 73 you.

Speaker 73 Wow.

Speaker 59 My goodness. All right, Matt Suri.

Speaker 113 Well, we had fun here tonight.

Speaker 81 How did it feel for you?

Speaker 112 It was cool, man. Hell yeah.

Speaker 25 Well, sign up.

Speaker 68 Do it again.

Speaker 34 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 153 No, it's first time signing up.

Speaker 54 Okay, first time signing up.

Speaker 60 Maybe, I don't know, hernia, extreme sports work, hernia.

Speaker 56 What do you guys think? Small or big?

Speaker 64 Small?

Speaker 114 Big?

Speaker 62 Big?

Speaker 32 Small?

Speaker 28 There he is. Matt Surrey, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 109 Sign up again.

Speaker 17 Do it again sometime, Matt.

Speaker 72 Happy last birthday.

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Speaker 156 There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the national mall.

Speaker 156 Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Speaker 156 Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Speaker 156 Where there's something new for everyone to discover

Speaker 156 There's only one DC

Speaker 156 visit washington.org to plan your trip

Speaker 156 All right

Speaker 70 We have a special something happening right now Cam Patterson is a star and is shooting a goddamn movie right now

Speaker 62 He is literally a star So he's not gonna make it tonight in his place.

Speaker 74 We're gonna do something a little fun for the first time in this show's history ever in this show's history, this is someone that won the spot

Speaker 48 away from the show after another show on a different night.

Speaker 58 I,

Speaker 25 me, and this man, who happens to be one of the best poker players in the world, considered the number one heads up,

Speaker 5 which means one-on-one poker player in the world.

Speaker 80 We played Texas Hold'em here at Mitzies

Speaker 50 until 5:30 in the morning. On the line, I could have won $40,000,

Speaker 41 or he wins a spot on Kill Tony, and here he is,

Speaker 50 ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. This is a minute of comedy.

Speaker 116 He's been preparing a month for this.

Speaker 50 We're going to have some fun right now. Make some noise for Doug Poke, everybody.

Speaker 152 It's hard to live in Texas without hearing about the immigration debate.

Speaker 83 They're bringing in drugs.

Speaker 152 They're taking our jobs. We've got to do something about these Californians.

Speaker 152 We're going to build a wall, and we're going to make New Mexico pay for it.

Speaker 152 And for the record, I don't understand where they're coming here anyway.

Speaker 154 Over the last few years, the California real estate market's been on fire.

Speaker 15 Maybe they're just a little burned out.

Speaker 152 Oh, we got lots of natural disaster fans here tonight. That's nice.
It's also hard to live in Austin without hearing about this serial killer who's killing gay men at Lady Bird Lake.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 35 How is that funny?

Speaker 152 I didn't think much about it, but then the other day my friend called me, said, hey, where are you going out tonight, man? Just want to make sure I know where you are.

Speaker 152 And then it dawned on me.

Speaker 152 My friend thinks I'm a murderer.

Speaker 152 But that makes no sense because I love gay men.

Speaker 86 And we love you too, Doug.

Speaker 19 And we love you too.

Speaker 23 I'll tell you.

Speaker 30 I'm pretty sure I'm right here.

Speaker 15 I'm pretty sure that's the best set of the night from everybody.

Speaker 28 Absolutely incredible when you put your mind to it.

Speaker 43 I mean, you've been practicing for a month.

Speaker 57 We're buddies now.

Speaker 71 I met you that night.

Speaker 123 Crazy, crazy night.

Speaker 26 Crazy fucking night.

Speaker 25 It's just one of those nights where it was like a fucking Scorsese movie.

Speaker 85 I kind of told the story a couple weeks ago, but it was just people telling me, hey, do you know the best heads-up poker player in the world here?

Speaker 80 Your after party.

Speaker 113 Every Monday we have a little party after each taping, and I kept hearing it all night.

Speaker 25 You were on the other side of the bar.

Speaker 113 I had no idea who you were.

Speaker 58 And then by the time we finally got to meet, by the time our paths crossed, I was just drunk enough to challenge you to poker.

Speaker 66 Turns out you run what,

Speaker 62 from what I'm told, is literally the best poker facility in the country.

Speaker 152 Yeah, Lodge Card Club here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 121 Yeah, that's what's up.

Speaker 152 By the way, so when we first met, I thought we would like exchange names and like some pleasantries. And I'm like, hi, I'm Doug.

Speaker 80 He's like, I'll fucking beat you in poker.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I was excited. Where did that come from? Like, all right, let's see what we can do.

Speaker 80 We have fun.

Speaker 74 Yeah, that is a Monday night brought to you by Whiskey and Tequila. See, I sip whiskey and I do shots of tequila.

Speaker 79 It's a problem.

Speaker 43 I'm going to be joining Henry Cruz's father in the pancreatic cancer department real soon.

Speaker 58 It's a ticking time bomb, so enjoy the show while it lasts.

Speaker 71 But on Monday nights is when I really let it rip.

Speaker 51 I'm kind of more chill throughout the week and I blow my liver to shreds on Monday nights.

Speaker 14 And boy, oh boy, you met me at about what, 12.30, 1 a.m.

Speaker 68 on a Monday night and we played poker until 5.30 a.m.

Speaker 51 Everybody.

Speaker 124 And it was one of those games where it wasn't just like us.

Speaker 96 It was fucking everyone was around us.

Speaker 51 It was a very entertaining game. You're fun to play with.

Speaker 96 I was fucking talking shit, having fun. It was a great time.

Speaker 78 Doing things like looking at one card and fucking seeing a king and betting big and just hoping the other card was good.

Speaker 141 We were having fun.

Speaker 152 No, no, I saw how you played. You played, played, you were really aggressive.
You were a pretty crazy player. Yeah.

Speaker 152 That kind of makes sense. Yeah.

Speaker 152 I feel like I made a mistake, though, with the negotiation for the stakes, right? Because I was like, all right, I want to go on the show. I'll put up some money.

Speaker 152 I was kind of drunk too.

Speaker 95 So I was like, how about $20,000?

Speaker 103 He's like, done.

Speaker 152 I was like, oh, shit, I probably should have opened lower on that.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 84 But.

Speaker 107 Kind of worked my way up, might have been good.

Speaker 25 And I won that first game, for those of you that don't know.

Speaker 43 But it all happened so fast I realized afterwards that I'm the sucker I didn't realize what was happening there, but by letting me win one and I go well now I want to play So what what was it then?

Speaker 40 It was basically the same bet

Speaker 152 dude. We were so drunk.
I don't think either one of us can retell the story.

Speaker 67 Y'all sound so fucking gay.

Speaker 95 Y'all are flirting back

Speaker 46 wild thing.

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 67 He's like, how do we be? No, no, no, dude, you tell the story.

Speaker 97 You tell it.

Speaker 5 We had a fucking story.

Speaker 45 It was a crazy story.

Speaker 88 You're so drunk or you're shooting tequila and whiskey.

Speaker 80 Met this handsome man.

Speaker 63 Which one's the handsome man?

Speaker 5 Oh, okay.

Speaker 146 That's why, you know what? The universe isn't fair. We've had these fucking disabled people come up here, can't put a joke together.

Speaker 84 This fucking guy just started comedy three minutes ago, comes up here with a beautiful face and blows everybody out of the water god's not real and not only did he have the best set tell our tell the people how much money do you think you've made playing poker doug with poke uh so i've i've won about 10 million in tournaments and

Speaker 121 no big deal

Speaker 94 this is why i want to butt fuck this guy don't ruin it for me yannis Don't ruin it for me.

Speaker 23 If I'm finally going to be as gay as everybody wants me to, Doug's going to be the guy that takes my butt virginity.

Speaker 32 Have you ever heard of froggy silver?

Speaker 5 I want you to hit it missionary, dude.

Speaker 157 Face to face.

Speaker 152 I know I had a bit on it, but I don't actually love gay men.

Speaker 28 Oh, no, I know.

Speaker 5 They love you, I'll tell you that right now.

Speaker 71 We're going to play again tonight.

Speaker 28 Winner take all.

Speaker 99 Hell yeah.

Speaker 109 So Doug, what's it like out there being a fucking actual pro poker player what's like a cra give us an example of another crazy night or something or anything wild that you've seen yeah so I've had some pretty big wins and some pretty big losses

Speaker 152 one weekend I lost a million dollars playing online poker and I went down to the lobby and I was really sad and they had like police everywhere and I asked the hotel person I'm like why are there why is everyone that why are these police officers here like oh someone killed themselves this weekend and it was uh uh it was uh someone from glee like one of the lead people from glee at fairmont pacific red he killed himself in the hotel i was staying at and i was like okay i guess i'm having the second worst weekend yeah

Speaker 24 yeah that's amazing

Speaker 64 even fucking killing with follow-up jokes

Speaker 21 jesus christ

Speaker 5 even write that one he's a he's He's a natural.

Speaker 83 That's why I'm in love with him.

Speaker 51 I'm telling

Speaker 20 Do you think you're going to continue doing stand-up?

Speaker 122 Like, is this something you really want to do?

Speaker 152 Yeah, so I've been doing it for like a month now.

Speaker 152 It seems like a lot of fun. I enjoy it.
For some reason, I'm always worried I'm going to forget things. I don't know if you guys...

Speaker 58 Yeah, that's how it starts.

Speaker 47 The memory builds after a while.

Speaker 24 For most people, William Montgomery still reads off of no cards, but everyone else, it naturally happens.

Speaker 96 I remember, especially the first fucking couple, few years.

Speaker 58 I'm like, Jesus Christ,

Speaker 45 how do people do longer sets without fucking?

Speaker 85 And also, the more that you write, the more that you like your jokes, the more that you're excited to tell them and don't want to forget them.

Speaker 58 So, like, as the jokes get better, they become easier to remember, if that makes sense.

Speaker 152 Yeah, I could imagine that. So, I do a lot of like online videos and stuff, and it's just so different when you record YouTube videos because, like, you're like, what's up, guys, Doug Polk here?

Speaker 152 I didn't like that one delete. Okay, we're not here.

Speaker 31 It's like, nope, you heard that.

Speaker 62 Yep.

Speaker 125 Yep.

Speaker 60 It's true.

Speaker 45 It's absolutely true, Doug.

Speaker 16 Well, anything else for Doug, guys?

Speaker 79 Brian, all you're going to say is that we're gay and then put the mic down for the rest of the show?

Speaker 6 Hey, you guys gay as shit.

Speaker 20 It was time.

Speaker 95 No, but yeah,

Speaker 67 you'll slowly empty out the part of your mind that cares about people.

Speaker 94 things

Speaker 67 and you'll fill it up with jokes.

Speaker 57 That's nice.

Speaker 15 You're a smart guy.

Speaker 119 Obviously, you know, people that can play poker professionally are already living a lot of people's dreams.

Speaker 96 The fact that you're chasing this rush, and it is, as you probably can feel, a crazy adrenaline rush.

Speaker 43 Same type of thing as when you're in a big hand.

Speaker 96 You don't fucking know what's going on, but you got it.

Speaker 56 And you're getting a big joke book.

Speaker 17 Thank you. Hell yeah.

Speaker 19 Doug Poke, everybody.

Speaker 39 Thanks, Doug.

Speaker 19 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 50 That's my boyfriend.

Speaker 91 There he goes.

Speaker 70 Faragi style.

Speaker 69 All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 81 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 47 This looks like a newer name.

Speaker 91 Oh,

Speaker 91 my God.

Speaker 59 I'm busy.

Speaker 69 The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. These guys are going to go wipe off each other's pants together.
Those are the white boys that spilled drinks all over each other earlier.

Speaker 72 We're about to go trade shorts.

Speaker 9 All right, makes noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 107 Philip Abraham, everybody.

Speaker 81 Here we go.

Speaker 90 How y'all doing?

Speaker 90 My name is Philip Abraham. I am not white.

Speaker 90 I am white passing on the phone

Speaker 130 my whole life.

Speaker 90 Whole life. A lot of people think I'm black in Austin.
They ain't got no black people.

Speaker 90 Worse is when people think I'm bracked. You know what that is?

Speaker 90 That's when Asian people think I'm black.

Speaker 91 Slow burn.

Speaker 90 I am Indian. I'm a different kind of Indian.
I'm Puerto Rican.

Speaker 90 I am Indian, and Pakistan will be soon, too.

Speaker 90 Oh man.

Speaker 90 Most Indians are Hindu.

Speaker 90 I'm a little bit different. My dad's side's Jewish.
My mom's side's Catholic.

Speaker 90 I worship Satan.

Speaker 56 Philip Abraham.

Speaker 30 You've been on this show before, right, Philip?

Speaker 90 Yeah, I was on the show like a week into Open Mics like two and a half years ago.

Speaker 91 Okay. Yeah, two and a half years ago.

Speaker 91 Did not go well.

Speaker 43 But it went better this time. Yes.

Speaker 74 Going to show that if you do this over time you should get better and you did that

Speaker 90 and here you are yep how's it been going pretty good yeah i've been just working doing a lot of shows doing a lot of mics what do you do for a living

Speaker 90 i i'm an experienced designer what does that mean so i like i like build apps and uh websites for fortune 500 companies yannis i was about to say he was what it means is he's a disappointment to his parents

Speaker 55 he came through with the computer shit.

Speaker 126 Yeah, and he's got the last sex.

Speaker 108 He's Indian, he's got to be doing something for you.

Speaker 158 I am building web shanks.

Speaker 158 Dad, you would be so proud of the web shacks. I'd be so experienced.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 90 I talked to my parents and they call comedy a program. Did you do your program tonight?

Speaker 158 How is the program?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Do I sound like your dad?

Speaker 90 Kinda, kinda.

Speaker 42 He's booty, booty, booty, boo.

Speaker 32 Wanted to do one. Booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, boo.

Speaker 158 How about all of the programs during?

Speaker 119 What does your dad do for work?

Speaker 90 Oh, he's a Pentecostal preacher.

Speaker 91 Whoa. Yeah.

Speaker 52 A Pentecostal Pakistani preacher?

Speaker 90 Indian.

Speaker 5 God damn it, Peter.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay.

Speaker 95 That's like calling him the N-word.

Speaker 42 Didn't you know that?

Speaker 141 You got back and forth.

Speaker 76 You called yourself farmer.

Speaker 83 Puerto Rican at one point.

Speaker 26 Pakistani.

Speaker 109 It's all fucking mixing together.

Speaker 34 So you're 100% Indian?

Speaker 90 Yeah, I'm Malayali.

Speaker 62 Oh, well, in that case.

Speaker 40 100% Malayali.

Speaker 25 All right. What does that mean?

Speaker 90 It's just like people from the southern coast. It's like a very specific type of people.

Speaker 57 What are they known for?

Speaker 90 Coconuts.

Speaker 11 Oh, wow.

Speaker 112 Okay. You got mangoes.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 34 I didn't realize there was such a tropical part of India.

Speaker 90 They don't cook it with their feet. Those are the North Indians.
Just wanted to put that out there. Okay.
Those are the northerns. We don't fuck with them.

Speaker 57 You guys don't get along.

Speaker 96 No.

Speaker 78 Have you guys been fighting a little bit?

Speaker 92 A little bit.

Speaker 90 They kind of look down on the south.

Speaker 91 Oh, they do.

Speaker 55 I can think that's a good thing. That's such a shame, especially Pakistan, India.

Speaker 53 Like,

Speaker 55 why are people who smell the same fighting so much?

Speaker 4 It's true.

Speaker 36 It's like, really?

Speaker 31 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 They smell the same.

Speaker 31 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 74 And why can't you just all kill each other?

Speaker 78 And then it'll be just an open land for good people.

Speaker 90 It's going to happen.

Speaker 44 I'm kidding.

Speaker 44 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 57 I don't know why I'm saying I'm kidding.

Speaker 29 The internet clip probably ended 12 seconds ago, and I said the thing, and now I'm in trouble again.

Speaker 44 Gonna get bigger now.

Speaker 5 Uh-oh,

Speaker 44 Madison Square Garden again.

Speaker 24 I'm kidding. We already are doing Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 8 All right.

Speaker 58 So, Philip, tell me, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 35 What does an Indian, what does a Malayali do for fun?

Speaker 5 Shit, man.

Speaker 51 Give me Malayalam the details.

Speaker 90 I'll be making Malayali chicken curry.

Speaker 65 Oh, shit.

Speaker 36 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 44 I've been eating some shit lately.

Speaker 40 Have you guys heard of this clay pit?

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 63 The only one that knows all this that's not good?

Speaker 90 That's like fusion white shit.

Speaker 91 Oh, it's so good. You know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 44 That's a Mexican boy.

Speaker 94 What are you talking about?

Speaker 46 He has literally no fucking idea.

Speaker 23 He knows less than anybody.

Speaker 129 He's a Mexican boy in a longhorn shirt,

Speaker 21 missing a front tooth.

Speaker 5 He literally...

Speaker 124 What was that? Why'd you just point to your boy like that?

Speaker 30 You called that I was gonna guess that you had a missing front tooth?

Speaker 49 I can fucking see it.

Speaker 45 I see that missing tooth, buddy.

Speaker 75 Congratulations.

Speaker 5 He's like, I had no idea. I didn't think you'd see it.

Speaker 8 We were talking about it.

Speaker 102 Fuck yeah, dude.

Speaker 23 I can spot a missing tooth from a mile away.

Speaker 84 Cause I know to avoid those people.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 51 Philip, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 92 I just do.

Speaker 90 So I got banned like a year ago.

Speaker 112 From where?

Speaker 90 Creek in the Cave, Sunset Strip, Cap Shit.

Speaker 27 Oh, shit.

Speaker 71 You got banned from everywhere.

Speaker 59 I got up. That's not a good sign.

Speaker 127 Brian Simpson.

Speaker 67 It was for ending all his sets with an elaborate dance number.

Speaker 80 Explain how you get banned from the other big clubs in the city, Philip.

Speaker 90 Dude, I was at Banana Phone.

Speaker 91 I did a joke, and it went great.

Speaker 90 Okay, the next day, they did.

Speaker 59 What was the joke?

Speaker 112 Let me just...

Speaker 90 I can't go too much into it.

Speaker 44 What the fuck? Do you mean?

Speaker 87 I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

Speaker 115 What could you possibly?

Speaker 54 Does it end in the N-word?

Speaker 5 Oh, I just said, yeah, while I said that,

Speaker 28 he just looked at Brian Simpson and he goes, don't get mad at me.

Speaker 29 So yes, it does, right?

Speaker 57 I mean, it's the only thing, as we've learned with Kanye, it's the only thing you can say to where it's like.

Speaker 90 It's very Kanye-related.

Speaker 90 It was a joke about how Hitler stole the swastika.

Speaker 24 Yeah, just tell the joke.

Speaker 19 How the fuck did you get banned from every

Speaker 19 jokes?

Speaker 34 I can't imagine how bad it could be.

Speaker 90 It was the visual elements that I included in the joke for Banana Food.

Speaker 18 Is it?

Speaker 44 Okay, tell the joke.

Speaker 23 Tell the fucking joke. Tell the joke.
We'll see.

Speaker 57 If it's unacceptable, we'll fucking blur it or edit it or whatever.

Speaker 5 We have to do.

Speaker 32 Sure, sure.

Speaker 90 So Hitler stole the swastika. Y'all know about this?

Speaker 90 Yeah, ancient Hindu symbol. It means kill the Jews.

Speaker 90 It means peace and well-being. But like the fucking for for America to learn about the swastika from Hitler, it's kind of bullshit.
It's like learning about rap from McElmore.

Speaker 64 It's not the real,

Speaker 90 not the real thing, right? And that's when I had the visual element. We're taking the swastika back.
It was a Hindu swastika. And I was like, Brown Power, we're taking it back.
It went great.

Speaker 90 It went amazing. Next day,

Speaker 90 the owner was like, hey, you held my audience hostage.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 90 you're banned for life

Speaker 79 from Sunset. Creek.

Speaker 107 Creek in the Cave.

Speaker 90 And then Sunset got included in CAP. She reached out to them.

Speaker 109 So you're not banned from Sunset.

Speaker 90 Yeah, I just went back like three months ago.

Speaker 35 They said, There you go.

Speaker 57 Look at Redband with his open First Amendment.

Speaker 89 Look at that. I remember that.

Speaker 122 Like, I heard about it. I wasn't the one that did that.

Speaker 149 And yeah.

Speaker 80 But you are Hindu.

Speaker 26 Yeah. So you can have a Hindu symbol.

Speaker 90 Yeah,

Speaker 90 it's the Indian swastika. That's the whole bit is that he stole it.
Y'all don't know this shit. I'm trying to tell y'all.

Speaker 32 Trust it.

Speaker 112 I get it.

Speaker 41 Having your jokes taken out of context and getting in trouble for it is something that I understand very well.

Speaker 32 It's a bitch, ain't it?

Speaker 138 It is.

Speaker 75 It is.

Speaker 25 And look at that.

Speaker 24 You didn't stop.

Speaker 123 It's really hard to get banned by the creek, by the way.

Speaker 105 It really is.

Speaker 90 Especially at Banana Phone. Like, if you've seen it, that's wild.
But yeah,

Speaker 90 that's the big shit that's been going on. I've never been banned from a building, so that's weird.

Speaker 5 Well, how about an airline?

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 19 Philip.

Speaker 47 We like your style, buddy.

Speaker 41 It was a fun set, a fun interview.

Speaker 48 What?

Speaker 121 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 18 There you go.

Speaker 11 Boom.

Speaker 18 All right. There goes Philip Abraham.

Speaker 124 Philip,

Speaker 124 what's your social media?

Speaker 16 Come shout it out since you're banned from places.

Speaker 90 My social media is Phil is funny.

Speaker 35 That's what my mom says. Thank you.

Speaker 62 Phil is funny.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 17 That's a very much wanted handle.

Speaker 133 Hey, what's up? This is Joe from PassCast Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

Speaker 133 We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 Days of Hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.

Speaker 133 We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me.

Speaker 133 It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So, check out PassCast wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 65 All right, your next bucket pulls.

Speaker 47 Looks like a new name.

Speaker 68 Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody.

Speaker 28 Donna Lee.

Speaker 147 Hi, everybody. Um, my mom is Thai.
My dad's Irish, so I'm Tyrish.

Speaker 147 My mom and I fight a lot. My mom's about this tall, and she's brown, and she's mean.

Speaker 147 And we argue a lot about things like she wants to be called Oriental. And I'm like, mom, that's kind of racist.
People don't want to hear Oriental. They want to call you Asian.
And she says, donna.

Speaker 147 I'm from Oriental. I'm Oriental.
So we're in HEB fighting this out, right? And the woman who's our cashier is trying to help my mom.

Speaker 147 So she's getting a little louder, trying to say that my mom might understand her.

Speaker 147 So she's screaming to my mom and trying to be a little louder because if you're louder, people understand English better, right?

Speaker 147 So we're at HEB, and my mom and I are standing, we're fighting at the cashier, and the cashier leans over to my mom, and she goes, Your total is 2,515.

Speaker 147 Thank you for shopping

Speaker 147 at Eche E B.

Speaker 147 I'm like, she's not a deaf Mexican.

Speaker 147 She's a mean ass Oriental lady. Thank you.
That's my minute. Thank you.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 30 Donna Lee, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, right?

Speaker 106 Yes, first time. How long have you been with stand-up?

Speaker 147 I started in 2006 and did stand-up for about five years and took about 12 years off to raise some children.

Speaker 139 Okay, huh? Problem.

Speaker 147 Came back a year ago.

Speaker 113 How many children?

Speaker 147 Three kids, one son, and two stepsons.

Speaker 104 Okay.

Speaker 104 Yes.

Speaker 44 I knew she was a stepmom.

Speaker 42 I fucking knew.

Speaker 67 Like, y'all, you knew it too, right? You felt it.

Speaker 138 Do I get that energy, stepmom energy no doubt about it yes is it yeah there's no question have you ever gotten stuck in an inner watch

Speaker 100 have I ever gotten stuck

Speaker 104 probably

Speaker 147 probably

Speaker 30 have any of your stepsons ever taken advantage of the situation

Speaker 88 You got nice tits for a stepmom.

Speaker 8 Thank you.

Speaker 5 I'm just saying what I see. Hell yeah.

Speaker 147 I paid a lot of money for them. They should do now.

Speaker 4 She looked like she mostly titties. Yeah, she mostly titties.

Speaker 5 Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 19 Yep.

Speaker 32 Half Irish, half Thai, 80% tits.

Speaker 44 That's right.

Speaker 147 The math. You know?

Speaker 8 The math is.

Speaker 147 You got to do what you got to do to stand out.

Speaker 5 I love it. You're killing.

Speaker 8 How old are the tits?

Speaker 34 They are about 20 years old.

Speaker 94 Wow, 20 years old.

Speaker 20 Look at that. They're ready to move out on their own.

Speaker 101 I'm a leader.

Speaker 147 I'm a leader.

Speaker 8 I love it.

Speaker 123 I actually know Carlos.

Speaker 76 Oh, Carlos.

Speaker 11 Wow. Look at that.

Speaker 32 Oh, look who's playing the little horny motherfucker over there, huh?

Speaker 139 Look at that.

Speaker 25 Sometimes...

Speaker 102 I didn't even know we had that spotlight.

Speaker 146 Shit, we've been waiting two years to get Carlos in trouble, I guess.

Speaker 23 Holy shit, look at the fucking reflection off the top of that head.

Speaker 114 Oh

Speaker 5 my God.

Speaker 142 Sorry, Carlos.

Speaker 15 How do you know Carlos?

Speaker 8 Do you want to tell them?

Speaker 5 So stupid, but it's hilarious.

Speaker 123 Should I tell them or you tell them?

Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 147 Can I break HIPAA? I'm going to break a HIPAA rule here. I met Carlos at a clinic.

Speaker 105 Whoa!

Speaker 3 Oh, shit.

Speaker 38 That's so much fucking worse right there.

Speaker 73 I know.

Speaker 147 It's so bad. What kind of? It was actually just an allergy clinic.
He had allergies.

Speaker 5 Oh, okay.

Speaker 147 Kind of boring. But he was touring with Jason Moraz at the time.

Speaker 5 Okay. And he, yeah.

Speaker 147 He was very cool. He had some sort of shirt on that had a saxophone or something.

Speaker 34 I was surprised when you were passing by just meeting Carlos that he had enough time to tell you that he was touring with Jason Moraz.

Speaker 89 It's crazy.

Speaker 42 Almost seems like

Speaker 5 Almost seems like he was trying to get it.

Speaker 42 He's like, hey.

Speaker 57 Hey, nice to meet you. I tour with Jason Moratz.

Speaker 44 I sing too.

Speaker 5 Hell yeah.

Speaker 122 He's touched those vintage titties.

Speaker 44 Oh yeah.

Speaker 73 No.

Speaker 15 He went from so-so to so-so-s.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 147 No. He was very professional.
We had a very nice talk about him playing saxophone, because I play saxophone in college.

Speaker 51 Oh, shit.

Speaker 129 So you have a, you're able to.

Speaker 32 I can blow.

Speaker 3 You can blow.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 20 There it is. So, Donna, what are we talking about?

Speaker 68 You're with a man, you have a steady relationship now?

Speaker 147 Of course. I have a husband.
He's lovely. And he's going to watch this and be mortified.

Speaker 55 absolutely he is yannis and he's rich look at that fucking ring she's got on

Speaker 114 yeah that's that's my small ring you should see the bigger one wow you have a bigger ring that you wear when you're not going into sixth street

Speaker 23 that is true smart i am smart you're a smart lady so are the kids all grown up now they're all grown 22 23 24.

Speaker 147 This is my comeback story, y'all. I'm going to start crying.
I'm very happy to be here.

Speaker 104 Yeah, I will cry.

Speaker 22 Tell us more about that.

Speaker 48 When you say comeback story, what do you mean?

Speaker 147 I was doing comedy in 2006. I was on Search for the Funniest Mom in America.
I was a finalist.

Speaker 147 And Leanne Morgan was on season one. I was on season two.
Wow. And so I did comedy for about five years, and then I quit to raise those ratty-ass children.
I'm kidding. I love them.

Speaker 147 I found a new husband. I had to teach him how to cook and things like that.

Speaker 147 So I quit for about 12 years, on hiatus for 12 years. I came back last May at about this time, and I just headlined Dallas Comedy Club.
And I couldn't be more proud as a human being doing my dream.

Speaker 2 Look at you.

Speaker 32 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 22 Hey, hey, hey, Tony. Yeah, Brian Simpson.

Speaker 67 I just want to point out, I know Leanne Morgan, and she is a comedy star that's selling out the

Speaker 123 cases and arenas.

Speaker 67 She did it, but she raised a family at the same time.

Speaker 104 I couldn't do that.

Speaker 20 So you just quit for no reason.

Speaker 147 She was doing comedy and raising children. I was doing comedy and had a very stressful job.

Speaker 129 Yeah, you had the weight of the world on your chest.

Speaker 125 Yeah, I had to.

Speaker 101 Red band.

Speaker 20 Do you remember one of your old jokes, like your old best joke that got you like, you know?

Speaker 147 I do. Yeah, I remember the one that got me on the show.

Speaker 83 Oh, let's do it.

Speaker 42 Why don't you guys want to hear her best joke?

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 147 It was clean comedy because it was a nick at night, but my parents have a little ranch in Lockhart. Anybody familiar with Lockhart, Texas?

Speaker 147 So my mom, with her very heavy accent, she was collecting little farm animals in Lockhart, and she called me one day at work and she said, Donna,

Speaker 147 Donna, today we have a new donkey. his name abel he's so very badly cute he four feet tall he's so cute but he's so loud he he all

Speaker 142 day

Speaker 147 i said mom i'm at work i can't talk to you right now and she said danna

Speaker 147 you listen to me we have a new donkey today

Speaker 147 his name abel he four feet tall he's so very badly cute but he's so loud he he all

Speaker 147 day I said, mom, I have to go. And she kept saying, he's so cute.
He's so cute. I said, mom, I have to go to work.
And she got very upset with me, but I hung up the phone.

Speaker 147 phone before I hung up I said mom let the ass do his job

Speaker 147 she had never heard that word in that context and she said don't he not call you name you don't have to call him name

Speaker 147 and I said no no no mom it means ass it's donkey means mule it's in the Bible it's not a bad word so a few days goes by and I called her at work and she sounds a little sad and I said mom what's wrong and she said don't everybody laugh at me today I not know why And I said, trust me, old woman, it was something you said.

Speaker 147 I said, what did you say today at work? And she said, don't know. I talk about how cute my ass is.

Speaker 147 But it makes so much noise.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 5 Donna.

Speaker 56 Thank you. You going to do it, Red Band?

Speaker 21 Love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 73 Boom.

Speaker 73 On a real show.

Speaker 23 And you're leaving her with a big joke book to go with those fucking tits of yours.

Speaker 47 Donna Lee, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 113 Donna Lee comedy.

Speaker 5 Alright, let's get one more.

Speaker 55 Let me just say, there's no way her stepsons don't jerk off to her tits.

Speaker 29 Oh, totally.

Speaker 81 Totally.

Speaker 81 There's a lot of people going to jerk off right now, obviously. I just saw a little boy cross right in front of me to go jerk off.
I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 100 Little boy and a wife beater.

Speaker 50 Little boy in a tank top going to the boys room.

Speaker 48 Alright, let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Speaker 50 We've been having fun tonight.

Speaker 50 How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

Speaker 50 How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Speaker 31 All right, about 50-50.

Speaker 50 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night. It's Kelly Lusk.

Speaker 69 Kelly Lusk.

Speaker 118 Hey, everybody.

Speaker 91 Sorry,

Speaker 118 okay.

Speaker 118 So,

Speaker 15 all right, one more time for Kelly Lusk.

Speaker 118 So, I grew up looking like this.

Speaker 118 Apparently, I was a Samoan boy when I was a little girl.

Speaker 118 It's every little girl's dream, right?

Speaker 118 And that bitch is my sister.

Speaker 118 She used to tell me they found me in a trash can in Mexico.

Speaker 142 Fuck her, right?

Speaker 118 And it's really apparent here who's more loved, right? You know, like

Speaker 118 she's got a frilly little shirt and her golden blonde hair. And they're like, oh, there's no hope for Kelly.

Speaker 118 So let's give her a mullet and a bowl cut

Speaker 118 and my mom got so tired of answering questions when we were in public so she made me start wearing a sign that said no I'm not adopted

Speaker 118 no my dad is not Mexican and yes I belong to this white family

Speaker 17 that's it wow exactly a minute Very rarely is a physical presentation funny, but you, that was hilarious.

Speaker 5 You're welcome. Brian Simpson.

Speaker 44 Yo, she blows.

Speaker 67 Is that the first time in Kilton the History somebody did like a one-woman show for their minute?

Speaker 44 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 67 I'm really blown away by that.

Speaker 103 That's impressive to the motherfucker.

Speaker 10 Thank you.

Speaker 113 I don't know if it was a one-woman. It might be a one-they-them show or something.

Speaker 8 That's funny. I love it.

Speaker 68 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. So how long did you?

Speaker 125 I didn't see her, but, you know.

Speaker 51 I love it. Okay, all right.

Speaker 29 I liked you a second ago.

Speaker 51 Don't ruin it.

Speaker 70 Well, the guy with the American flag shirt's leaving.

Speaker 69 All it takes is one they, them reference.

Speaker 44 Oh, no.

Speaker 42 I'm out of here.

Speaker 89 Fuck this shit. I thought this shit.

Speaker 73 I thought this was a fucking First Amendment show.

Speaker 84 They're giving Bulldocks opportunities here.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 9 So, okay, so you gotta have a different dad, right?

Speaker 118 Same mom, same dad.

Speaker 36 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 64 What the fuck?

Speaker 85 What did they do?

Speaker 111 Eat chalupas and tequilo before they made you?

Speaker 144 Like, wow, what exactly?

Speaker 111 Have the doctors talked about this?

Speaker 25 This is a fucking anomaly.

Speaker 57 That is incredible.

Speaker 63 You are the best big brother any little sister's ever had.

Speaker 20 This is amazing.

Speaker 30 I'm pretty sure that boy was on the show earlier talking about Froggy style, wasn't he?

Speaker 21 Is that Michael Ridley?

Speaker 11 Oh my god.

Speaker 144 God, it's very rare we have the same comedian on twice in one episode, but that man was here. I recognize that man.

Speaker 23 If that was a police sketch, I would go, oh, he was on my show.

Speaker 70 I know exactly who's going around raping people, froggy style.

Speaker 99 I know that man.

Speaker 32 Why were you so orange? Like, what the?

Speaker 20 You're not that orange anymore.

Speaker 118 Honestly,

Speaker 118 the only thing I can say is I grew up in a time where we were outside and we didn't believe in sunscreen.

Speaker 91 Absolutely.

Speaker 125 That's my world. We have no idea.

Speaker 118 We don't know why I was so much darker than my family.

Speaker 45 I love that. We just love that.

Speaker 26 It's like John Benet Ramsey and John Benet Goodman.

Speaker 106 It is an incredible duo of sisters.

Speaker 28 I cannot believe what I'm seeing.

Speaker 40 I've never really seen anything quite like it.

Speaker 27 So,

Speaker 8 boy, oh boy.

Speaker 44 Brian Simpson.

Speaker 67 So you're telling me your mother never had you visit an uncle that you couldn't tell your dad about?

Speaker 8 Nope.

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 118 And and you must have asked them about this like oh I asked all the time if I was adopted for sure I'd be like I don't look like you

Speaker 118 I rolled around in baby powder one time and I came out and I was like I'm white like mommy wow true story so what is your ethnicity what's dad uh we're just American mutts I mean there's like

Speaker 118 wow and okay so what do you do for work now what's that what do you do for work I'm an executive assistant so yeah like I get to work and do the work for big wigs and in corporate america that don't know how to make pdfs and they make

Speaker 61 hundreds what does your sister do for work she's single she

Speaker 24 oh jesus red band

Speaker 57 oh you're fucking disgusting jesus that's it's been a while yeah it's been a long time since we've done a trash can you guys want to do it one two three

Speaker 51 trash can

Speaker 57 it's been so long they don't even fucking know.

Speaker 96 So a lot of people that started watching within the last four years, that's an old thing.

Speaker 65 He used to say super disgusting shit all the time.

Speaker 48 And we've slowly tamed him down and the show became a wild success.

Speaker 71 So it's amazing how those things work.

Speaker 5 Incredible.

Speaker 106 Okay, so what does she do now?

Speaker 118 She's a stay-at-home mom.

Speaker 2 Ah, see?

Speaker 96 She ended up being a do-nothing bitch while you're out there working with fucking high successful people.

Speaker 153 That's right.

Speaker 67 Well, Tony, they knew when they took that picture which one was going to have to work the hardest.

Speaker 139 Wait,

Speaker 118 I have an uncle, and I brought this picture out and I was like, hey, Uncle Johnny, you remember when I used to look like this? And he was like, we were worried about you, Kelly.

Speaker 67 I got news for you. Uncle Johnny's your father.

Speaker 146 Yeah, I'm about to say, there's no way your mom didn't fuck another guy at some point.

Speaker 87 That's not, you guys don't have the same dad.

Speaker 154 Your mom fucked a very fat,

Speaker 66 like

Speaker 55 vegan guy. Yeah.

Speaker 139 Yeah, perhaps a male.

Speaker 30 You guys have done a DNA test of some kind?

Speaker 34 Have you tested this?

Speaker 118 No, but you can tell now as we're older that we look alike.

Speaker 32 That was my next question.

Speaker 118 This was definitely not the case growing up.

Speaker 34 That is incredible. Do you always, have you done this before with that picture on stage?

Speaker 118 I've done it once before.

Speaker 57 And it worked.

Speaker 36 Yeah, so obviously.

Speaker 96 It fucking works.

Speaker 67 I guarantee if you took a 23 of me, they're going to catch a murderer in Alaska.

Speaker 23 It is incredible.

Speaker 69 It looks like you were photoshopped into a better-looking family picture.

Speaker 119 It looks like you're covering up a happy mom and dad somewhere.

Speaker 5 Proud mother and father.

Speaker 138 It is amazing.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 78 so you live here in Austin?

Speaker 104 Yeah, born and raised.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 104 lived here my whole life. I'm a true unicorn.

Speaker 2 Okay, absolutely.

Speaker 34 What do you do for fun? Tell us what some of your favorite Austin pastimes are.

Speaker 118 Honestly, there's too many people. I don't do any of the Austin stuff anymore.
I already did all that stuff, and it's just too crowded now.

Speaker 91 Well, what do you do?

Speaker 118 Oh, well, I like to paint.

Speaker 52 You stay at home and paint.

Speaker 118 I stay at home with paint.

Speaker 59 Okay. This is getting very sad.

Speaker 83 No, no, no. It's good.

Speaker 106 There's too many people.

Speaker 48 I do nothing now.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 34 What else other than painting?

Speaker 43 What do you paint?

Speaker 118 It's like a textured art thing. It's complicated.

Speaker 73 Okay.

Speaker 118 Yeah. I like to write jokes.

Speaker 92 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 91 You perform a lot.

Speaker 118 This is my fourth time ever doing a stand-up.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 5 Look at that.

Speaker 19 Wait,

Speaker 17 you know what's funny.

Speaker 52 That's fun.

Speaker 119 What's your love life like, Kelly?

Speaker 92 I have a boyfriend.

Speaker 74 Okay, what does he do?

Speaker 118 He's an engineer.

Speaker 142 All right, okay.

Speaker 73 I think people are very impressed.

Speaker 125 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 27 Oh, engineer.

Speaker 91 The fat girl, not an engineer.

Speaker 140 I'm just kidding.

Speaker 42 Just kidding, just kidding.

Speaker 34 I wonder how two kids, were you like addicted to a specific kind of candy or something?

Speaker 85 There had to be something that that you and your sister were doing differently back then.

Speaker 107 There had to be something like you knew where they hid the snacks or something like that.

Speaker 102 You love carrots?

Speaker 118 Why? Because I'm orange?

Speaker 36 I think it's just the picture.

Speaker 97 You're also just a little bit bigger than her.

Speaker 15 Yes, I don't exactly think it was carrots that did it.

Speaker 118 Definitely not carrots.

Speaker 3 I would say lots of sharp.

Speaker 123 That was a Garfield Garfield joke.

Speaker 80 Put the mic down, Red Band.

Speaker 141 Very good.

Speaker 29 Very good.

Speaker 47 Let's stick with the sound effects there.

Speaker 78 All right.

Speaker 77 Anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

Speaker 128 Crazy?

Speaker 118 No.

Speaker 118 No. No.

Speaker 81 I think you're very pretty.

Speaker 118 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 55 You look like Rosie O'Donnell before she became a dude.

Speaker 91 That's true.

Speaker 120 That is true.

Speaker 8 And I agree. Yeah.

Speaker 73 There's no crowding in passion.

Speaker 118 I do have a joke, and it's for this, it's, I look like the love love child of The Rock and Rosie O'Donnell.

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah, I see that.

Speaker 67 So, do all your jokes require you to be holding that picture?

Speaker 118 No.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 118 But it's just a good, it's a good, solid one.

Speaker 88 So, Brian Timps is going to go home and jerk off to all the contestants on this show.

Speaker 95 You're like, damn, there's a lot of fine ass on this show.

Speaker 75 I likes what I like.

Speaker 67 Yeah, just give me a white girl that hates herself.

Speaker 15 Kelly Lusk, that was fantastic.

Speaker 46 Your interview was great.

Speaker 30 Great presentation.

Speaker 19 I like it.

Speaker 17 There's a big joke book.

Speaker 11 Hell of a catch.

Speaker 21 Truly a Texan with that right-hand swipe picture in the left.

Speaker 50 How about one more time for Austin's own Kelly Lusk, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 115 What a goddamn show.

Speaker 9 Did you guys have fun tonight?

Speaker 50 There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 50 And it is with, undoubtedly, the Hall of Famer with the record for most all-time appearances and interviews, the man

Speaker 50 who God himself

Speaker 50 says

Speaker 50 favorite comedian.

Speaker 50 A man who, when he goes to the dog park, King Charles lays down and begs for his mercy.

Speaker 50 Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine.

Speaker 91 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 143 Remember when they stormed Osama bin Laden's safe house and they claim they found pornos?

Speaker 160 I'm starting to think he was just watching Diddy and a burqa

Speaker 160 Texas just banned the sale of all marijuana products and the Republicans seem very excited. You know who else is very excited?

Speaker 143 The cartels.

Speaker 160 Daft Punk is releasing a new anime movie.

Speaker 143 It's called Nerd Alert.

Speaker 160 But seriously, you can tell Daft Punk are French robots because they smoke cigarettes and cheat on their wives.

Speaker 157 The price of eggs is so high, I started selling my girlfriends.

Speaker 6 Okay, Tony, that's my time.

Speaker 17 Wow, a force of nature has done it again.

Speaker 30 These people, sometimes they've been doing it for years, sometimes they've been doing it for months, sometimes they take a break to raise kids.

Speaker 111 And meanwhile, every time, somehow, no one shakes the room quite like you do.

Speaker 59 Isn't it something?

Speaker 18 Again and again,

Speaker 148 a man so beloved, so likable, that he just comes in and absolutely dominates.

Speaker 96 Let's talk about it, William.

Speaker 53 Tony, it was so scary coming in here today.

Speaker 154 It was storming outside, and I get right to the back door, and I see a thing of lightning and hear a loud clap of thunder right when I got to the back door.

Speaker 5 It was really scary, Tony. And then what happened?

Speaker 143 And then I banged on the door and somebody let me in.

Speaker 32 I was like, oh my God, it's raining out there, y'all.

Speaker 32 It's like storming out there, man. Get me out of there.

Speaker 107 Do you like the rain?

Speaker 108 Yes, I love the rain.

Speaker 154 It's really good good for the plants.

Speaker 53 It's good for all the plants, and I love

Speaker 103 the rain. You have a lot of plants?

Speaker 154 Yeah, I got some in my bedroom.

Speaker 57 What are some of your favorite plants that you have?

Speaker 40 Oh, shit.

Speaker 55 I mean, I got a pretty good pothos right now.

Speaker 3 Aloe plant. Ooh.

Speaker 64 Something called a prayer plant.

Speaker 143 And you think it's dead, but then it comes back to life.

Speaker 3 What else?

Speaker 53 I got some sort of peace lily?

Speaker 40 And that's about it. You got a peace lily?

Speaker 108 I don't know why it was hard to say that.

Speaker 53 Yeah, I got a peace lily.

Speaker 34 How long have you had this peace lily?

Speaker 143 Shit, Tony.

Speaker 91 Maybe

Speaker 143 12 months?

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 5 You mean one year?

Speaker 95 A year?

Speaker 161 Fed the peace lily.

Speaker 160 Sorry, I feed it in monthly installments, so it's ages and months in my head.

Speaker 42 Okay,

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 148 Amazing.

Speaker 47 Wow, are you looking forward to getting any more plants?

Speaker 2 Ooh, yeah, Tony.

Speaker 143 I mean, I've been thinking about maybe a

Speaker 143 cactus.

Speaker 157 Yeah, cactus.

Speaker 143 Maybe a.

Speaker 91 The crowd and a fern.

Speaker 27 um

Speaker 32 a bonsai

Speaker 6 Somebody else help me or can somebody else please give me another plant Tony this is embarrassing I thought I knew more plants

Speaker 57 It seems like the crowd fucking loves it

Speaker 30 Every time you say a plant they get very excited maybe around Christmas time you're going to get a

Speaker 31 Amaryllis

Speaker 143 and if Texas ever approves it maybe a marijuana

Speaker 71 we got to get Governor Abbott to straighten out his act

Speaker 69 We need that to be legal.

Speaker 101 Name some more plants saying you're my young.

Speaker 143 I'm already struggling, Tony.

Speaker 108 It's already kind of embarrassing.

Speaker 5 Just with his fur?

Speaker 143 Maybe a ficus?

Speaker 88 Wandering Jew?

Speaker 73 You piece of Jew!

Speaker 5 A wandering Jew?

Speaker 6 That doesn't sound right.

Speaker 160 Wandering Jew.

Speaker 53 How'd you get me with that, sir?

Speaker 143 Oh, banana plant?

Speaker 110 No. Red band.

Speaker 121 Nah.

Speaker 53 That's a tree. That's a stupid one.
That's a tree.

Speaker 121 Yeah, that's a tree.

Speaker 53 Yeah, that's a tree.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Name some more plants that you might be interested in getting.

Speaker 78 Around Christmas time, maybe a red-leafed plant known as a...

Speaker 3 Monstera!

Speaker 40 Wait, no, hold on. What was that one again? What did you say?

Speaker 28 A plant with red leaves around Christmas time.

Speaker 143 Set up.

Speaker 25 Close enough, we'll allow that.

Speaker 53 Mistletoe.

Speaker 157 I hate this, Tony.

Speaker 4 Oh, it's so good.

Speaker 50 The horns.

Speaker 14 The horns joining the fray and playing sadly if you're not committed or don't say it correctly and playing loudly and excitedly if you nail the name of the plant.

Speaker 23 Why don't you just think of some types of things that you see outside?

Speaker 59 Those are basically plants, right?

Speaker 103 Like

Speaker 107 maybe a

Speaker 5 William.

Speaker 73 William. Oak tree!

Speaker 6 Wait, Tony, how about a Magnolia tree?

Speaker 42 What about a paltry, Tony?

Speaker 143 And then maybe a bush of some sort.

Speaker 5 Yeah, a bush.

Speaker 129 Are you ever going to stop loving playing?

Speaker 89 I'm ever going to stop loving playing.

Speaker 21 William Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 11 The king.

Speaker 11 The King Charles of Kiltoni, William Montgomery.

Speaker 11 This

Speaker 19 has been another episode brought to you by ExpressVPN by an incogni

Speaker 126 Giannis Papas has his new YouTube special at the History Hyenas Hyenas YouTube location.

Speaker 70 It is called Property Owner.

Speaker 17 It was filmed here at the mothership. You know what else was filmed here at the Mothership?

Speaker 48 Live from the Mothership, Brian Simpson,

Speaker 70 a super regular, one of the great comedians that had the balls to move here from Los Angeles to Austin, and since then performs in theaters and arenas all around the world.

Speaker 70 Get tickets at BrianSimpsonComedy.com.

Speaker 129 We have, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, before you leave, we have both of the artists here tonight.

Speaker 22 Ryan J.

Speaker 21 Ebelt has been drawing every episode since the earliest episodes, and that's Giannis and Brian Simpson, everybody.

Speaker 21 It kind of looks like that girl and her sister.

Speaker 42 Absolutely beautiful.

Speaker 46 Brian, you've never looked better, Brian.

Speaker 75 He even opened your eyes a little bit just for the sake of...

Speaker 67 Hey, let me get that.

Speaker 95 Let me get that.

Speaker 102 Can I get that?

Speaker 95 It looks like I adopted a black baby.

Speaker 8 I'm a hero.

Speaker 48 Chris Rogers, what'd you draw tonight, buddy?

Speaker 20 The local legend.

Speaker 21 Oh, Casey Rocket playing basketball

Speaker 51 ryanje belt.com for every print you'll see these guys in the lobby on your way out uh red man check out secret show every thursday sunsetstripatx.com i love you guys we will see you at madison square garden and that episode will be on a large streaming platform

Speaker 17 Have fun, everybody.

Speaker 69 God bless you and God bless the United States of America.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 17 Good night, everyone.

Speaker 73 Expresso.

Speaker 140 Martini Martini, Espresso, Espresso, Martini,

Speaker 2 Expresso, Espresso, Martini, Martini, Mike.

Speaker 155 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 155 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

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