KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hello, do you see me?

England, London.

It's me, the young king, here with the Prime Rib Minister, Brian Redban, inviting you to the lovely O2 arena for one night only, June 7th.

That's enough.

It's enough.

Too much sauerkraut for you.

Your hat?

Get in front of the sign, you buffo.

That's why you're not true royalty

Hey, this is our your only chance to see us on the other side of the world because we're pure blood Americans We're putting on an act right now pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets making us feel like we're connected in some way, but We are coming the number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th.

Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them tonyhenchcliffe.com and we'll see you there

for royalty waits for no one

somebody put on some elden jar

oh you too

Hey, this is Greg Deck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hitchcock.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

we made it

Brian Reddan ladies and gentlemen and that is the best damn band in the land

the great Carlos Sosa over there on horns Fernando Castillo Raul Vallejo Nachos Belgrande

Belvita Chaluba that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen.

They call him Big Mike.

He gets a little bit bigger every week.

That is the mutilator Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

The great John Dees is back on the keys.

He's been on tour, crushing it, and on bass tonight, joining us with perfect vision.

The man can see.

This is Nick Lewis joining the band tonight.

Deep Magnus.

with a very rare night off.

How much fun is this?

We are here.

We we are live so exciting before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible all right let's talk about how amazon prime makes everything better you know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though let's be honest getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver it's also prime video for all the comedy specials amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting, right, Ben?

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Well, then let's do it, ladies and gentlemen.

This is another one-guest episode, and that means that that means that I think that there's enough action-packed in this one solitary guest that we're going to have the goddamn time of our lives.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest guests in the show's history.

We haven't been able to get him on since before the pandemic because he's a global international superstar.

And

it ain't easy booking these people on a Monday night, but we got him tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world currently on a global, huge fucking tour.

Make some noise for one of my favorite comedians.

This is Jimmy Carr, everybody.

Yeah, that's right.

That is correct.

The people on their feet are correct.

Those are good fans.

Yes.

The great Jimmy Carr is back

on Kill Tony.

The American tour.

Australia, New Zealand, and Europe.

Jimmy Carr with2Rs.com.

The man, the myth, roast god, super comedian.

And when him and I get together, we tend to have what we would call a hoot nanny.

Well, yes, indeed.

It's an honor and a privilege for you to have me here.

We're going to have fun.

Jimmy, you know the show very well.

And

230 comedians signed up for the chance to be here tonight.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview.

We have a lot lot of fun.

We meet them all together.

This is going to be great.

This is cause for celebration.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

One-third of the horn section are in remission.

It is.

It is incredible.

Let's enjoy them while we have them.

Absolutely.

Two of them have cancer.

One of them is certainly going to be deported to El Salvador any day now.

There's a lot to worry about over there.

Let's go to this illegal immigrant and let him pick the first name.

Right off the top, that's what kind of bucket pull you are.

All right.

Normally, you people work a little bit harder, but okay.

We're gonna start with that name.

We're gonna go wrangle that person from the bar next door and while that person gets informed that they are about to be on the biggest comedy on YouTube and Netflix.

Ladies and gentlemen, to get us warmed up here tonight, this is a brand new minute from one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Here to flex off another new minute of material, make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

Well, what's up?

I get really emotionally attached after

sex, so

sex workers hate me.

They're like, quit calling.

I just want to talk.

Come on.

You know, a deer loses her antlers because of low testosterone.

So don't ever give a guy a hard time for not being able to keep it up because it could fall off, you know,

to be way worried, you know, and it's tough for the deer.

They can't hide that.

It's obvious that everyone that they're a pussy ass bit.

Fuck yeah, Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, with another new minute again and again and again.

Not afraid to come out and get the show started.

Welcome.

Jimmy Carr, is this your first time seeing Martin?

Yeah, you seem nervous.

You're shaking a lot.

I'm nervous.

I'm you, you know.

I don't wanna, I know I speak with an English actor, but I think it's a little bit pretentious to do the whole Stephen Hawkin thing.

Hey, I can walk.

Okay.

That is perhaps not the not the greatest of flexes, but yeah.

Although

not a pedophile.

This guy's great.

He's great.

We call him Stephen Walking.

Oh, geez.

I think we can put that on the poster.

He's a walking, talking Stephen Hawk.

Cool.

That is a badass fucking.

That's merch for days.

A walking, talking Stephen Hawkins.

I was weirdly good friends with Stephen Hawkins.

You were?

Yeah, we were pretty close.

We used to spend a lot of time together, and he could take a joke.

He came to see a show of mine once in Cambridge, and the rest of the audience was so uncomfortable around him.

Just because I said that, you know, when he dies, it's probably going to be

a virus

of one kind or another.

God bless his little heart.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

A long time, like a decade or more.

He's fucking good.

Oh, thanks.

Let me ask you a question because now I'm interested.

Was Stephen Hawking, when he was in your audience, was he literally hit?

Was he typing like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha?

Was he like making noise?

He was trying to get out.

He was trying to back up out out of there.

Oh my goodness.

Martin, what else is going on this week?

You found the dog.

That's huge.

Yes.

We found him.

You guys might not know, but his dog got away.

His dog escaped.

We found this out last week or the week before.

My brother was watching it and he got out.

But luckily,

homeless people picked him up.

The homeless look after their own.

And

he lived in the encampment for like three days.

And

I don't know what the hell happened, but he's been acting survived.

So great.

He probably saw some shit, but you know,

probably.

And

all he had was fleas.

So could have been worse, you know?

Could have been worse.

no doubt about it, yeah.

So, a lot of people, you know, we can say what we will about the homeless people of Austin, Texas, but go with me,

absolutely.

And so, someone told you that they saw your dog with homeless people?

Yeah, I work out with

the dog for like a rescue lady who was helping me, and yeah, somebody she was, well, there's a Walgreens working

out, and somebody was like, Yeah, I've seen that dog with a homeless lady and then her

person drank down the homeless lady went uh a couple in cat bands and went to the underworld of autism

the the other side people don't know about you know wow so yeah amazing so to be honest with you i was making bets with red band that you were not going to be able to get your dog back i thought the last person that will be able to get a lost dog is you martin yeah

I didn't think we were going to find him, but you know,

he heard the jokes you made on him getting hit by a car,

and he wanted me to tell you,

fuck you.

Right.

I don't blame him.

I deserve that.

And

I showed him, I showed him a picture of you, and he was like, oh, I'm a dog.

I know that's a bitch.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

Oh,

my god.

Oh my god.

This is great.

Wow.

I know someone who's taking a few weeks off of the show.

Andy, I didn't say that.

Andy, Stephanie.

Andy.

Andy the dog.

Oh, Gladys, Glounce.

That is a big man.

You're a cool guy.

I love it.

I can't believe you speak dog.

It's interesting how God takes away some things and gives you other gifts.

That's incredible.

It's a mouth in Enocur.

Martin, you are a fucking international superstar.

And you got the show started yet again.

One more time for one of the top young rising comedians in the world, Martin Phillips, everybody.

Spoiler alert.

He's not nervous.

He has cerebral palsy.

Okay, this is to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Over 200 people, as you know, they have no idea that they're going up until a name is pulled.

You know, anything can happen here.

It could be the next great comedian found right here.

It could be a completely insane person.

We're going to meet them all together.

60 seconds uninterrupted.

Your first comedian of the night goes by the name of Solomon, everybody.

Solomon is first.

Guys, we really need to stop calling women cows.

It's really fucking them up.

Yeah, seriously, there's scientific evidence that generational traumas change our DNA.

So we've been calling them cows for so long, they're turning into cows.

It's not just the weight, they've started wearing these rings around their noses.

And they're eating grass and taking shits on the streets, so no more cows.

And also, we need to stop shoving dicks in their mouths.

You see, Thousands of years of dick sucking is stretching the jaw.

And now the mouths have grown so big, it's really hard to shut them up.

And guys,

you know why our bread smells so bad?

It's the generational trauma of thousands of years of eating that stinking pussy.

Thank you, that's my time.

Solomon.

Wow, what's going on over there?

Why are you laughing like that, Solomon?

What's going on?

You're sweating like I've never seen anything like it before.

You were dry when you came out here a minute ago.

Yes,

you were, yeah, Jimmy.

You're sweating like a child molested in court.

Yeah,

it is incredible.

Which is maybe an experience you've had.

Yeah,

this is amazing.

I've never seen anyone so wet on the show before.

I know, I'm so wet, I'm dripping.

You're kind of gay, dude.

What's going on, Solomon?

You look like you're on the in- What is that?

What do they call that?

He's like a Bollywood brokeback mountain or something like that.

Jimmy.

What about clothes that fit?

You are

you are you are dressed like your outfit is painted on you.

It's all very tight, unlike your asshole.

Let's talk about it, Solomon.

Are you straight or gay?

Straight.

Really?

Okay.

Agreed to disagree?

Is this how gay I seem to everybody?

Is that why it is?

Oh my God, now I see why the jokes work so well.

Holy shit.

Oh my god, look at the way you do the things with your hands.

What is that?

This is all incredibly gay.

I don't know.

It's the panel that brings it out.

Okay, I don't know what you're saying.

It's the what?

I need a

panel, brought it out.

The fuck does that mean?

People are asking genuine questions.

They're like, Tony, I have a.

It's amazing.

So, Solomon, how long have you been doing stand-up?

About two years now.

About two years.

Agree to disagree.

Oh, you are the best, Jimmy Carr.

So, Solomon, what are you talking about?

What were you talking about the whole time?

You were getting laughs.

Like, very hard to understand.

There's not a monitor or an earpiece or anything in the world that could get me to fully understand the way you speak what you call English.

Where are you from?

Pakistan.

Pakistan.

How long have you been in America?

17, 18 years.

Wow.

Do you think you speak English well?

Barely.

That's the right answer.

Trying to.

That's the correct answer.

Okay, what do you do for work, Solomon?

I drive right chair Uber Lyft.

That seems like that's what you would do.

That seems like.

We were all thinking it.

I'm glad you said it.

Do you sweat like this while you're driving?

Not really, but

you seem so happy.

Are you happy?

Yes.

Okay.

What else brings you joy, Solomon?

What else makes you happy in this world?

It's a pretty good job.

I might have the wrong settings on my Uber.

I might have it to quiet.

Yes.

What makes you happy, Solomon?

It's a a pretty easy question.

What brings you joy?

Do you like square dancing, perhaps?

Square dancing?

Yeah.

No, I don't.

You can say anything.

You can name anything that you like.

No, I love hikes.

You like heights?

Yeah, nature.

Hikes.

Okay, I thought he was saying heights, like

hijacking an airplane, perhaps at 30,000 feet or something like that.

What made you move to America 18 years ago?

Family.

Okay.

Yes.

Well, they were sick of you, were they?

Probably, yeah.

And what were they doing here that got you to move here?

My dad had been here.

What was your dad doing here?

Limousine service.

He started smiling before he said it.

I don't want to profile, but I think I've just seen a suspicious package.

There is.

There is a little fucking.

Look at that little fucking.

What are you rubbing it right now?

What the fuck is going on?

Hell yeah.

You got a fucking SACA stand.

Look at that fucking thing.

You are, you are packing something.

That is for sure.

You have a goddamn terrorist cell in your pants right now.

Look at that fucking thing.

Absolutely incredible.

How big is your dick?

Oh, you're actually actually showing me.

You're looking at a microphone saying it is the length of a microphone.

That is huge.

As far as I know, I study, obviously, as you know, I study penis sizes by culture.

And Pakistanis are not knowing for carrying such a huge

fucking guy.

My dad had a limousine service.

How about mom?

What did mom do?

Mom?

Yeah, what does mom do?

Housewife.

Housewife.

Very good.

Yeah, that's she has to listen to what your dad tells her to do.

Am I correct?

Sometimes.

Okay.

All right.

What's your favorite thing about being an American, Solomon?

Just live in the dream, Tony.

That is the correct.

Again, the correct answer.

I was going to have you deported if you answered incorrectly there.

Look at you.

That is so interesting.

You must do something for fun here in Texas.

What do you do when you're not ubering?

and trying comedy?

I actually am into fitness.

I actually have to thank you all for

putting me on it.

I used to be a

getting you into fitness.

Yes, Kill Tony and actually inspired me to do all this.

Red ban is part of Kill Tony.

Are you aware that the green blob that I've worked with every Monday for 12 years, you're giving him credit for you going to the gym?

He's never done any.

He doesn't even walk anywhere.

Relax, Tony.

You're feeling great.

No, before COVID, I was a 300-plus pound algorithm.

No way.

Wow, how about that?

That is incredible.

Jimmy.

Now, fat people are notoriously funny.

Have you considered putting the weight back on?

Look how much fun this guy's having up here.

He's adorable.

There's got to be something about it.

There's something about this fucking guy.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Solomon, you have any pets?

No.

No.

You say that like you kick puppies.

No,

I don't.

I like them.

I just don't like the way people treat him.

Some

kind of obsession going on here with the dogs.

You think there's too many dog owners?

Yes.

What?

ask?

Yeah, way to win them over.

What would be your solution to this dog problem that you think we have here in America?

I don't know if I have a solution, but

it's just annoying to see like too many dogs.

Wow.

wow coming from a guy that harbored osama bin laden for quite some time

just one note you have too many dogs

i love america but goddamn too many barking dogs

even the guy that can't barely wobble and walk

losing his dog to the homeless

They have strollers for dogs.

Uh-huh.

It is true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know what's going on.

Okay.

But

Solomon, I'll tell you what, dude.

You've been on the show once before?

Yes.

Okay.

What size joke book did you get last time?

Very small.

This is a.

That's the smallest size it comes in.

No, there's one size smaller.

This is actually a medium joke book.

I was going to give him a medium one.

Because believe it or not, I do believe that set got more laughs than your last set.

Would you agree?

Yes.

Well, then, my friend, that's a little bit of growth for you there you go thank you cool

on to the next one we go

are we having fucking fun in here tonight huh

yeah

there goes solomon everybody

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The name broke in half.

Make some rights for your next comedian, Sean Stewart.

Everyone,

Sean Stewart.

Woo!

Howdy, y'all.

I love dogs.

I love them.

Can you guys tell I'm Cuban?

Hold on.

How about now?

All right, Miami just showed up.

It's a hand-me-down.

When everybody finds out I'm Cuban, they always ask me one thing.

They're like, hey, can you get me some Cuban cigars?

No,

I don't even speak Spanish.

So now, when they ask me that, I just whip my dick out.

I'm like, you can smoke this.

And they're always disappointed.

They're expecting a BCC,

a big Cuban cigar.

I whip out a swisher sweet.

Doesn't even last as long as Swisher.

How do you measure your penis in seconds, inches, or strokes?

Thank you.

Sean Stewart, Jimmy, what are your thoughts here?

My, well, if you want to get your dick sucked, I think we get the last guy back.

There's no doubt about it.

That Pakistani cowboy will suck you right back in the fucking Cuba, my friend.

He'll teleport you.

I saw that.

He's a self-lubricating gay cowboy.

I mean, he stays wet most men don't get wet that guy dripping right now

dripping no solomon he's a nice guy he's a nice guy you a weird guy though yep well let's get to you yeah very smart very smart the opening line i love dogs and then it all went downhill from there

I thought it went all right.

Oh, okay.

I can't imagine how it must normally go for you to think that was all right.

No, it it was okay.

Are you just hating?

No, okay.

That's good.

Yes, argue with the person that's been doing this 780 times.

That's great.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I love it.

You're wearing the pants that the last guy should have been wearing.

Those are very loose-fitting.

An interesting type of cargo pant.

I do believe they're on backwards.

Right.

Every time I've been on, you've made fun of my outfit, so I tried to dress up a little nicer tonight.

That's the upgrade.

Yeah.

Wow.

I was in sweatpants last time.

Okay.

Wow.

Yeah, you told me to go to bed.

Yeah.

All right.

And here you are.

So, this is an upgrade from last time.

Yeah.

Do you keep anything in those absolutely stupid pockets?

I keep a Zen pouch.

I'm trying to quit vaping.

Okay.

Wow.

I've quit drinking this year, actually, too.

What made you quit drinking?

I shit white.

What?

Say that again?

I shit white one day.

You shit white?

Yeah.

White poop came out of your butt?

Yeah.

Tell us more.

I've never heard of this.

I've been alive for 40 years.

I've never heard of white poop before.

It was actually at the Kill Tony Arena in the HEB.

I went there and I was drinking with all my buddies and I got some tall boys on the way home and I drank those two tall boys.

I woke up in the morning and I had to shit.

And

I looked in the toilet after and it was like grayish white and I was like, oh, that's not good.

Jimmy Carr, let's check in here.

Um

can I ask, you said you were Cuban, yes?

Yeah.

Are you, and I'm just checking here, are

you the ghost of a Cuban boy?

I might be.

Uh I don't look at Cuban at all.

And so I think uh I'm if people call me a fake Cuban actually, so.

You just you look very very pale and then you're shitting white.

Yeah.

Can I just check?

Can everyone else see him?

Okay, he's not a dead boy.

It is absolutely frightening to think that you shit white.

So you just happen to glance at the toilet.

You always look at your poop before you flush it?

I try to make sure it's healthy looking.

Yeah, okay.

And this time you must have.

Yeah, I looked it up.

It said liver issues.

Yeah.

Well, I do hard drugs, though, instead, no.

Okay.

Yeah, I still consider myself sober.

Like, I did Molly on Saturday.

Sorry, mom.

All right.

Okay,

let's go just a little bit slower here.

Apologizing to your mother and confessing every drug you've done since New Year's Eve.

So, did you go see a doctor after you shit white?

Yeah.

And what exactly did the doctor tell you?

I got my blood work done, and they said they weren't worried about it.

Did you pay the doctor after this?

I think my insurance did.

Okay.

You didn't do a minute of stand-up for the doctor, did you?

Because that could explain the not caring.

No, she actually referred me to a therapist.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, we're learning a lot here.

What kind of therapy?

Not ketamine.

What?

The normal therapy.

And I was like, that's the only other therapy I know of, is normal therapy and ketamine.

Okay, wow, you go to your brain.

I've never been to ketamine therapy, though.

Okay, no one asks you that.

So, okay.

All right.

What do you do for work?

I work at

a phone company that

I hate.

All right.

I'm sure they feel the same way about you.

What do you do for fun now, Sean, other than hard drugs?

I do photography a bit.

You're out there taking pictures.

What are you taking pictures of exactly?

Did you happen to take a picture of your white shit?

No, no, I did not.

Lost opportunity there.

I took a picture of that big fat rapper guy, Dave Blunt.

Okay.

Yeah, I was at his concert recently.

He's hard to get a good picture of because it was unflattering everything I took.

Yeah, he's a big boy.

What's your love life like, Sean?

You seem like you couldn't please a woman.

I've never had a bad review, but

I'm on a bit of a hiatus.

I'm trying to get into like a real relationship again.

Okay.

Why?

What makes you want to be in a real relationship right now?

I'm past the hookup phase of my life, I think.

You know, I've done all that and now trying to get into something meaningful again.

Or not really trying to.

I'm kind of focused more on doing this shit, sadly.

Have you ever come and

it comes out purple or anything like that?

No.

I'm so interested by your white shit.

I'm wondering what other kind of Crayola bodily functions you have.

No,

it's cloudy sometimes, I guess.

That makes sense.

One guy is vomiting in the back.

Texans don't appreciate talking about the color of people's cum.

It's never been bloody or anything.

That's what would concern me.

Anything crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

I got catfished by a girl with cerebral palsy once.

Whoa.

Let me guess.

She showed up and she didn't have cerebral palsy and you were disappointed?

You seem like the kind of guy that would be into that.

You know what I mean?

She wouldn't talk to me on the phone before we went on the date and then she couldn't find the place on the date.

And so then she finally called me and she was like, hello?

And I was like, oh, shit.

Oh.

And she was walking with like a limp.

And I was like, Oh, like, are you sure?

Are you good to go on a walk?

She's like, Yeah, I have CP.

And I didn't know that meant cerebral palsy.

I thought she meant she had child porn.

I was like, That's kind of fucked up.

Or perhaps you guys had something in common and she had colorless poop.

Ah,

a CP.

Tony Hinchless, everyone.

A colorless poop joke.

Where's Miami?

All right.

I hope she has insurance.

There you go.

Jesus Christ.

What did you do to her?

Oh, she got white poop, too.

I don't know.

Did you end up hooking up with her?

No, no.

Why?

That would have felt wrong.

Really?

Why?

I don't know.

I feel mean just talking about this right now.

It would feel like taking advantage of a special needs person.

I don't know.

You think you were taking advantage of her?

No, it was just...

Do you have any idea how you come across to the public?

How?

You got a little joke book last time?

I've gotten a big one, actually.

All right, well, there you go.

Go fill it up.

There you go.

Sean Stewart, everybody.

We're going to keep it moving.

Keeping it moving.

Sean Stewart.

Wow.

There she is.

The lovely Heidi has joined the party, ladies and gentlemen.

Every single week.

Unbelievable.

All right.

Your next bucket pull's been on the show a couple times.

Kind of a legend around these parts.

Hopefully this is a new strong minute from Juanita, everybody.

Juanita.

I was watching the movie The Beauty and the Beast recently.

There's a scene in that movie where They're about to fuck.

Like, and I'm not talking about the little gay guy he turns into.

Not that faggot.

I didn't say I'd have penis.

She wants to fuck the beast.

It doesn't happen in the movie because the teapot won't leave.

Teapot stares at them like a fat friend in middle school.

And then she starts singing all creepy.

Tail as old as time.

True, is it?

I'm trying to fuck my dog, dude.

Did you watch him lap up the soup?

That could be my pussy right now.

I have a full Sargento string cheese in my twat for Beethoven.

Get the fuck out!

Wow.

That's basically three sets in a row.

I have no idea what the fuck people are talking about.

Somehow, Martin Phillips with full-blown, shaky, wobbly cerebral palsy is the best annunciator that we've had on this show yet.

Incredible.

Juanita, welcome back.

Thank you.

It's really interesting.

I don't really, were you talking about, what were you talking about?

The beauty and the beast.

There's like a scene where like she's like with the beast, they're getting close.

But they don't fuck because the teapot won't leave.

She just stares at them.

Okay.

I'm guessing you're rooting for the beast in that movie, yeah.

I'm a little

jealous,

Juanita.

Welcome back to the show.

I'm loving watching Jimmy try to analyze what the fuck is going on right now.

He's playing it cool, he's playing it real cool.

Tell me everything.

Have there been any changes recently?

Not much.

Not much.

Tell us about you, Juanita.

Where are you in your stuff?

In my comedy?

Let's leave that to one side.

How are things downstairs?

Oh,

exactly the same.

Red band.

Exactly the same.

I've actually never done anything surgically or hormonally or anything.

Okay.

There's always been this.

All naturale.

Yeah.

I like it.

I like it.

Tell us what it's like being trans in Texas, Juanita.

What is it like?

That's fun.

Your voice got a little deeper there.

I don't know if you noticed that.

It was fun.

I'm in Austin now, so like people don't really mind that here.

You're kind of like,

I get a little nervous and then I see like purple hair and I'm like, oh, that's fine.

You're good.

In San Antonio, I was like, sometimes people would get mad.

Yeah.

What's that?

Like, what do they say?

How do you know they get mad?

When I managed a restaurant, sometimes they'd be like,

sir, and like, oh,

I'm a lady.

Like, there's something fucking wrong with you.

Do you want your pizza now?

I did want my pizza.

So you worked at a pizza joint?

Yeah, I managed a Grimaldi's like a couple of years ago in San Antonio.

Okay.

And there you put

the sausage on the...

How would it work?

What's a trans pizza like these?

Sausage and sauce.

Got it.

What's dating in Austin like for you, Juanita?

What exactly are you into?

I'm into big tall white dudes.

Hello, fellas.

I'm single.

Yeah, that guy.

Oh, fuck.

This dude just accidentally got excited and raised his hand.

He's like, fuck yeah.

And then he's like, oh, shit.

Forgot there.

Hell yeah, dude.

You're going to get butt fucked tonight, bro.

I love it.

No,

you know what's been funny, though?

Recently, since like the show, I've gotten like chuckle fuckers.

That's fun.

Okay.

You're going to have to explain chuckle fuckers tonight.

Oh!

Chuckle fucker is somebody that either sees you do stand-up or like watches you on a show and then they want to fuck you.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

So explain to us, they're like sliding into your DMs.

No, I was actually in line for Kill Tony like a couple weeks ago, and there was like an Australian dude, and he was like hot.

And then, like,

I was like, oh, what's your name?

And he was like, I'm Al Khan.

And I was like, I'm Juanita.

And he goes, I know who you are.

I watch the show.

And then he bought me like 37 vodka sodas.

Wow.

Did you put your shrimp on his Barbie?

I accidentally had sex with him.

You did?

Yeah.

I loved that.

Yeah, no, no, but I was so drunk that I fell asleep.

So I was like in the hotel bed and I was like wasted.

So I passed out and he was like, Do you want to do this or not?

And I was like, I'm so sorry.

This never happens.

I have whiskey hole.

Whiskey hole.

Now,

well,

That's no good I can't unhear that

I think the Australian accent might be better

I think maybe stick to that Okay

go Aussie the whole time suits I should do that.

Yeah, I will

a whiskey hole that is the first we've ever heard of that

it's like whiskey dick but for ladies.

Yeah, I think maybe the term.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go with that.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go with that.

Let's go with that.

When you've fucked a few pre-op transsexuals, you realize these guns are full of shit.

I've got whiskey hole.

Whiskey hole might be the line of the night.

Yeah.

A little crack Daniels, if you will.

A little.

Yeah, oh, wow.

So, you woke up, and then the Australian and you had sex.

Yeah,

I did that.

Okay.

I don't remember much of it because they like...

What's crazy is it seems like you're the one with regrets.

I know!

Oh, yeah, I know.

He was really hot.

And then he asked me to pee on him, and I didn't.

You did not?

I didn't pee on him, and he was so hot, I was like, I'm behaving like I'm not fat right now.

Like, I should have totally peed on that guy.

He was super hot in Australia.

It's interesting that you have limitations.

I know.

How anybody understand the

fact that you should have peed on him because you're fat.

You're just out of my league.

He was super hot, so I should have peed on him.

Oh, he was super hot.

I love it when your voice accidentally goes low, and I love that we can laugh about it.

Normally, you people do not have a good sense of humor.

You really stand out.

You say he was out of your league, but he clearly liked you, right?

He was into it.

It's true, yeah, he did.

He did.

Well, then, maybe he's in your league.

He should have.

I don't want to sound like an old-fashioned absolutely.

Thank you, Jimmy Cliston.

Listen, there's a lot of jokes in this show, but this is from the heart.

I think you should have pissed on that guy.

Yeah, I mean that.

Oh,

Todiak,

I said I wasn't going to cry.

I said I wasn't gonna cry

El Con, I'm gonna pee on you

Jesus, what was that?

That was his name

Well, this is the worst Hallmark movie pitch ever

Okay, so here's the movie.

It's a it's an Aussie guy and a tranny lady pisses on him.

It's gonna be

it's gonna be it's a cartoon.

It's for Disney.

It's called, there's something down under.

What happens when a man

who's pissed off wants to be pissed on?

You'll be rooting for the beast.

Oh,

that's Tom Segura after breaking his arm, by the way, if you're wondering what that noise is.

I know it sounds like gay sex, but it's Tom Segura after breaking his arm playing basketball.

Wow, Juanita, always an amazing interview with you.

You are such a fucking

such an exception.

There is a huge stereotype that trans people don't have good sense of humors.

That is a thing.

And you are the exception to that rule, without a doubt, Jimmy.

Can I say the interview was so good?

The material, the minute or whatever, just get up and talk about yourself and your life.

That's what you need to do.

You're great.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Absolutely.

I agree with Jimmy 100%.

And it's always that way.

And you'll get better at doing comedy that way if you do it at these open mics and everything around here.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, my alternative minute.

I should have just done that one.

It was about me.

Yeah.

That's funny.

And, you know, there's...

there's this also a stereotype that women aren't funny and I gotta tell you you are the exception to that rule too

Juanita you already have a big joke book I filled it up you filled it up well just like you did with the Australian

I'll tell you what, you're getting another one right here.

There you go, Juanita, ladies and gentlemen.

Who is standing up from some white boys out here?

Let's be Australians.

Yeah, there they are.

This party's wild.

It's weird.

Girls aren't normally that good at catching stuff.

That's true.

She's good at catching that, and I'm sure that's not the only thing she's caught before.

Your pickle hole?

What was the?

What?

Whiskey hole.

Pickle hole.

You're thinking of a whole different thing.

You're thinking of your little pickle over there, huh?

Not tonight, love.

I got whiskey hole.

Oh, no, I'd love to.

I've got to spotted the old whiskey hole.

I can't.

I'm all dried up back there.

Holy shit.

This really is the best show in all of comedy.

It's amazing.

I got to say.

Sometimes I sit back and I'm just a fan.

I'm just a fan.

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Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pulled.

Looks like a new name.

Make some noise for Blazing Nana, everybody.

Blazing Nana.

Well, hello, Austin.

I am Blazing Nana.

I really enjoy fucking

smoking weed.

Alcohol.

Alcohol makes me hellamine and super dee duper horny I want to argue and fuck you come on

and at my age for what hickeys headaches hangovers hemorrhoids multiple fat lips mostly north sometimes south

speaking of fat lips ladies y'all need to stop wasting your best pussy years on bad sex that door's gonna close

The one that opens is called menopause.

This gash is coming for your youth.

Gash is just an old timey word for c ⁇ .

She wants

your smooth skin.

She wants your perky titties.

And before you know it, you're W-A-P.

Yeah, that bitch about to be D-R-Y.

Oh, come on!

Wow, blazing nana.

Oh my goodness, there's so much going on here.

I have so many questions, Jimmy.

Yeah.

What, two trans women in a row?

Right.

I'm all woman, darling.

All woman.

All woman, huh?

Yes.

I think you may be too much woman.

I think I am.

Well, I can tell you that I used to weigh 444 pounds, and now I weigh 199 pounds.

Wow, wow.

Yeah.

No surgery, no shots, no pills.

I got a dog, and she runs me all over the place.

I never had a dog before.

Did you steal it from a guy with terrible pills?

I actually took it away from a homeless guy in Berkeley, California.

Really?

Yeah, I did.

I just moved here from East Oakland about a month ago.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

5-1-0, baby.

So, sorry, can you rewind to the bit where you stole a dog from a homeless man?

He was feeding it french fries through a cage, and I said, what are you doing to that little tiny dog?

Thank you, Red Pan.

Oh, no, that's you.

Sorry.

A little tiny dog, feeding it french fries.

And I said, what are you doing to that dog?

And he said, well,

my friend asked me to keep it for a while, and he'd be back.

He's been gone three days.

So we bought the dog.

That guy who was told by his friend to watch the dog sold it to you?

How much did he sell it for?

I paid $125.

It was my birthday.

It was my birthday present to myself.

That's actually how...

Stealing the dog.

That's actually how I got my kids.

It's a similar story.

Oh, did you...

$125?

That's a good deal on kids.

Okay, stick with me here, Blazing Nana.

$125 for basically stealing someone else's dog.

I find that to be an odd number.

Did the negotiations start at 100 and the homeless guy said 125?

No, it was my birthday, and that's all the money that I had collected for my birthday that day.

And I said, I have 125 on me.

He said, I'll take it.

Wow.

Collected for her birthday?

Yeah.

What exactly do you mean by collected for your birthday?

Who's giving you this?

You're from Cleveland, Ohio, and when it's your birthday in Cleveland, we put a pin on you like this.

People tape or stick dollars and $5.

They pin it.

I'm from the hood in Cleveland.

We get birthday money and I was walking around Hayward, California, higher than two people should be.

And I was like, they say, what's that for?

And I'd explain it.

So by the end of the night, I had $125.

Me and my friend took the BART to Berkeley.

There's actually a name for that where I'm from.

That's called begging.

Blazing Nana.

So you just moved here from Oakland.

Yes.

Now, when someone like you moves to Texas from Oakland, do you put

your trailer?

Do you like sit in it while they're driving the trainer?

You have trailer energies.

Am I correct?

Do you live in a trailer?

I am a half-baked hillbilly.

Yeah, my mom's family's from West By God, Virginia, and my daddy's a Tennessee stump jumper from Tennessee.

So this is a long way to get to yes.

Yes.

You live in a trailer?

No, I don't.

I live in a 55-plus community for old folks.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

They're quiet neighbors, quiet neighbors.

I hate to be a tourist, but I don't know what a stump jumper is.

Oh, that's just a little hillbilly that screws anything that wiggles.

It's a nice word for a whore.

My daddy had so many children.

I have sisters and brothers that I don't even know their last names.

found them on Facebook, a couple of them.

I thought it was going to be something to do with horse racing.

No, that's a Tennessee Walker, love.

That's a Tennessee Walker.

Right.

Pleasing anana.

Don't you want to see what's in my little.

I wore this just for you.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Let's see what's in that fanny pack.

Breath mints, because fresh breath needs to be a priority in your life.

Okay.

This is magic mushrooms.

You didn't see those.

Okay.

She's got mushrooms.

Wait,

I thought it was going to be a C-section scar.

I got a Baypend.

I got one better for you than a C-section scar.

I don't even have a belly button.

These are my keys.

Okay.

There's no keys on your keys.

Oh, they're inside.

Oh, okay.

You don't need to pull them out.

It's up.

Why are we going through Nana's bag?

Because it's a thing we do.

These are tweezers.

It's a thing we do.

Like, she's a regular on the show.

These are tweezers.

Fucking chin hairs, because you never know.

Oh, wow.

I'm an old lady.

You are something else.

I have a rock for Cam that's really cool.

I liked how it felt.

I got it for him just in case.

Cam's under the weather tonight.

He's not going to be here.

Oh, gas X.

You're welcome.

All the Gas X that's in there.

Okay, you have a lot of gas?

No, but just I had pizza.

Oh, this is a joint holder.

Okay.

With my

Ohio State University Buckeye ID.

I can still get French.

Wow.

Amazing.

That is true.

You're reigning

defending national champions the

Ohio State University, everybody.

You're just going to have to learn to love it.

Yeah, there's a playoff now.

Wait, wait, wait.

I got one that'll win him over.

My NRA card.

Wow.

My God, you are an all-American fucking little whipper snapper.

Look at you.

Have you ever done crystal meth before?

No.

Now, what's the craziest thing you have done?

Oh my gosh, the craziest, I have so many things.

In 1983, I married my stepdad's cousin.

That would be your cousin by law.

We're getting word.

I'm getting word in my ear that that is indeed your cousin.

Calling it your stepdad's cousin does not make it your cousin.

That is your cousin through marriage.

We're second cousins by marriage.

My kids are my third cousins by marriage.

I got grand cousins.

I can literally see Jimmy booking a flight to England in his head right now.

Get the fuck away back away.

This is just as scary as it gets.

It just sounds, it's just the gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Somebody pissed in that teapot.

It's a

no offense to you.

You seem like a lovely lady, but

a family tree like a fucking broom hammer.

Oh, our family.

Our family tree doesn't fork.

It's a ladder, a stepladder.

Wow, nothing you really say makes sense.

Blazing Nana, how have you made money your whole life?

Well, I'm retired right now.

I hate to sound like a soft story, but I have a traumatic brain injury, believe it or not.

Probably,

doesn't it?

What's the brain injury from?

I had a man tell me that he loved me and decided to beat me up and knock knock my teeth out and break my jaw and crush my cheek and

put some beautiful scars all over my face.

Terrible.

Yeah.

Red band.

But.

Yeah, what was that?

Was that a baseball bat?

Oh, my God.

Red bread.

Oh, red band.

Don't.

Don't.

Red band.

Can I ask

I don't want to make light of domestic violence.

It's a very serious thing that affects a lot of people.

But can I ask, when this incident happened, were you significantly heavier at the time?

Yeah, I was large.

444 pounds.

444 pounds.

And he did.

Yeah, he tripped me, bastard, and he broke my jaw and everything.

So I couldn't get the...

He had the hit on me first.

I am from Cleveland, West Side.

I know how to fight.

Same.

But he got the jump on me, yeah.

444 pounds.

I was a little slow.

I was a little slow that big.

Yeah.

444.

Yeah.

People go, why don't you say 450?

Because I fucking didn't get to 450.

I got to 444.

Right.

That's right.

You know what I mean?

That's right.

But I really do not have a belly button.

I had nine pounds of skin removed for my abdomen, and they couldn't say my belly button, so i really don't have a belly button

i think

i've got bad news tony

i've got terrible moods

and they're i've just

you've just given me whiskey hole

Incredible.

Oh,

my God.

Oh,

my God.

That is the first time in this show's history that someone hasn't had a belly button.

Incredible blazing, Nana.

You really are blazing.

A new trail.

A new trail.

You are unbelievable.

All right.

Well,

I mean, absolutely incredible.

This is your first time on this show, right?

Very first time, yeah.

You get a little joke book to put in that fanny pack, Blazing Nana.

You're welcome.

One more time for Blazing Nana, everybody.

How fun.

This is a hell of a show.

Oh, isn't it great?

Heidi bringing us all back to normal levels of testosterone in the room.

After

a trans woman and whatever the fuck blazing Nana was went back to back.

Back to back.

What could happen next?

Make some noise for your next comedian, JJ Curry, everybody.

JJ Curry.

What up, though?

I like to give the crowd information about me so that we feel comfortable with each other.

Like, I know you guys can't tell, but I'm Ashley Ann one eighth,

Caucasian.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

I really am one eighth, though, that my grandfather is mitts.

That's half.

You break a half down, that's a quarter.

And if you break a quarter down, that's an eighth.

That's me.

Now, I don't know how mathematically correct that is,

but my cousin used to sell weed, and

that's how he taught me fractions.

So,

I'm really like 3.5 grams

of Caucasian.

I'm $40 white.

Wow, what a set.

Exactly 60 seconds.

Unbelievable.

Welcome, JJ Curry.

Wow, how long you been doing stand-up, JJ?

12 years.

12 years?

Well, that's about an eighth of a century, right?

Absolutely incredible.

Wow, 12 years.

Jimmy, what do you think?

I think he could eat an apple through a wire fence.

That is a hell of a set of teeth you have there, my friend JJ.

It is the standout thing about you.

It is absolutely...

I would love to chat longer, but you probably got to stop brushing them soon.

It's coming from British people.

That's wild.

What's that?

No, it's coming from a British man.

That's wild.

It is true.

The rare exception to British people have bad teeth.

You're getting roasted for,

that's like you making fun of him for being such a good basketball player.

JJ, what do you do for work with a set of teeth like that?

I'm actually, it's military, so I get like a 90% disabled, so I get that monthly.

So I've been doing that.

Okay.

Wow.

So I've been only doing comedies in 2019.

Well, thank you for your service.

Can I ask, the disability didn't involve losing your belly button, did it?

No, no, no, no.

It's a lung disease.

I have a lung disease.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

It's all good.

I only do edibles now.

Okay.

Awesome.

And you got the lung disease from like burning garbage out in the...

No, it's a long story.

Basically, they gave me a bunch of shots and was like, no.

Oh,

I don't want to talk about it.

Like vaccines.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There you go.

So that's what happens.

We find out a lot about that on this real show with real people.

You find out a lot about that in real life.

Yeah, no, it's fine.

You can talk about it here.

The club is owned by Joe Rogan.

Vaccine injuries are

appreciated here.

It's a real thing that really exists in real life.

You don't see that on other mainstream networks.

You can only find that here on YouTube.

So right after you got that shot, did you notice something?

I basically went to the hospital on a Sunday, and then I left like a week before my birthday.

And what branch Air Force.

Okay.

I was gonna ask, what branch do you hang off of sometimes with one arm?

Oh, come on.

What are you gonna grow?

What do you wanna go?

What show do you think this is?

Jimmy blocking his face with his glass so that he can keep on.

Rice, Tony.

Jesus.

You're only just back from the Puerto Ricans.

See, sense, man.

It's a great set.

So, what do you work out of?

Say your name?

Well, you work out of here?

I just moved here in October.

Very nice.

Where'd you move from?

Tampa, Florida.

Okay.

Yep, that makes sense.

And you don't do anything for extra income just out of curiosity?

I mean, every once in a while, I probably like Uber and stuff like that.

Okay.

Very cool.

Very cool.

What do you do for fun?

What does JJ Curry do for fun?

Shit, nothing really.

Be miserable.

Yeah.

With teeth like that.

With teeth like that, I'm guessing eating pussy is impossible.

No.

Opposite.

It's very much an isolation thing.

I can put the click in.

You know what I'm saying?

Put the click in.

Yeah.

The click?

He puts the click in.

Yeah.

He knows where the click is.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Absolutely incredible.

That is a lot of trust a woman is putting in you.

Big lips, soft seats.

You know what I'm saying?

Big lips, soft what?

Seats.

Seats.

Yeah.

For the click.

You put the click there.

Amazing, JJ.

What's your favorite type of woman?

What does your dream girl look like to you?

I learned fuck with Asians hard.

Asian?

Oh my goodness.

This is Red Band's territory.

Red Band is our senior Asian correspondent.

Perhaps you could show him how to find the click

before you leave here.

And you've been with an Asian before?

Yeah.

Wow, look at the yes on that.

That's like a guy that has his own goddamn yakuza waiting for him back at home.

Absolutely incredible.

And have you been with an Asian since you moved to Austin, Texas?

No, no, no.

So you haven't been with an Asian Texan yet?

Wow.

Where do you find these Asians that you tend to?

I was in Florida for a while and I was stationed in the military, so that was really easy to do.

Filipinos, you know what I'm saying?

Right.

Yeah.

You just put on your camouflage and hide in a bush.

And

it's just

like, you got a green card.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

do you do for fun what else do you do for fun jj uh i mean i what i'm a big movie person i like watching movies um go to the gym of course hell yeah and then you know i like walks and stuff like to be outdoor when you say walks that's w-o-k-s to get asian women walks and shit i love it very good you really do love the asians that is one of their favorite things to cook in

is a walk now what's amazing about you know, I never know, Bones Eye, the great Adrian Cabazzos, always has a different setup of books every single week.

And this one is extra interesting tonight.

There's four big joke books, and one just so happens to be absolutely jet black.

And it just seems to me only fitting, JJ Curry, that you would get this one.

It's a perfect fit.

Jimmy?

If there was any justice, it would be one-eighth white.

The pages technically count.

We're counting the pages here.

It's a white set.

Unbelievable.

JJ, what's the longest set you've ever done before?

45 minutes.

45 minutes.

I loved having you on the Secret Show, Thursday.

You just got booked on a real show here on Kill Tony.

There he goes.

JJ

Curry, ladies and gentlemen.

And it goes on and on.

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We're having fun in here tonight.

What an episode so far.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, everybody.

Make some noise for Ronaldo, everyone.

Hey, how's it going?

I'm going to have some fun.

You guys think about killing yourself?

Anybody?

Okay, a couple honest people.

That's cool.

I think about it.

I think about it.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'm going to do anything about it, but I think about it.

I think about suicide like I think about home renovation.

I'm going to do it eventually.

But let's be honest.

It would be a lot easier if I paid somebody to do it for me.

Suicide's fun.

Not fun.

Interesting.

Suicide's interesting.

I was driving.

How we try to prevent it is interesting.

I was driving over a bridge that was over this big old river.

And right when you get halfway across the bridge, right in the middle of the bridge, they have a little sign with the number for the suicide hotline.

Which seems like it's too late.

You could have put it at the beginning of the bridge.

In the middle, you might as well put the number at the bottom of the river and it would do the exact same thing.

You could take a QR code for BetterHelp, put it on a bullet, put it in a gun, put it in your mouth, pull the trigger, it would do the same thing as that sign on that bridge.

They're not doing it up.

It's too late at that point.

That's like putting an ad for condoms in a delivery room.

That's like putting an ad for birth control at the bottom of a flight of steps.

Ronaldo Mercado.

Great stuff.

Unbelievable minute.

Fantastic.

Really good, Ronaldo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Great.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

It'll be seven years in July.

Seven years in July.

Christ, we're going to miss you.

No, my dad is Mexican.

My dad is, well, he's missing, but he is.

He's old school.

He wasn't kicked out of the country.

He went to buy cigarettes and never came back.

Wow.

Yeah, he wasn't deported.

He was new ported.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh.

Incredible.

Yeah.

It's good.

Right.

Amazing.

That's two comedians in a row that had a black father.

Incredible.

Ronaldo.

What do you do for work, Ronaldo?

I supply molding to Home Depots around the area.

You supply molding to Home Depot.

I'm one of the ones on the inside.

I'm good.

Okay.

Were you at any stage a bass player for the strokes?

You have that kind of indie rock and roll look.

There is a look to you.

It's very, very rare amongst Latino people, I've noticed, but you have a look.

Do you have a Latino barber?

No, my girlfriend cut my hair.

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

Which is one of the most Mexican things about me, by the way.

I think she must really love you because she doesn't want other women to be with you.

Yes, exactly.

She's Mexican as well?

No, no.

She's a white girl?

Yeah, she's white.

Where'd you meet her at?

We actually met.

Well, we met for the first time.

We were in elementary school.

But we started dating.

What were you doing?

Gardening?

What were you doing?

What were you saying there?

You were in elementary school and then what?

We started dating in high school.

Senior year of high school, we started dating.

And so

how long has it been?

Nine years.

Wow.

Amazing.

What does she do?

She cleans Airbnbs.

Wow.

Amazing.

Okay, Ronaldo.

And you live here in Austin?

Yeah.

For how long?

It'll be a year next week, actually.

And where'd you move from?

St.

Louis.

Okay.

So you and her were together.

She moved down here, too.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

And what do you guys do for fun?

We like to hang out.

We play video games at home a little bit, you know, stuff like that.

She comes out to the show sometimes, hangs out with me, you know, stuff like that.

That's what we do for fun.

Been with her for nine years.

Do you have any secrets to satisfying a woman for nine years?

How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Guys, keep making them think they can touch your butthole, but don't let them do it.

Whoa,

just, you know what I mean?

Just give them a little go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, go, you want this?

No, yes.

You know the best way to do that, of course.

Tell them you have whiskey hole.

Yeah.

Yeah, you missed a hell of a thing earlier, Ronaldo.

I thought that was just some British shit.

I didn't know that.

Guys, great.

Very funny, Ronaldo.

This is incredible.

How amazing.

Wow, you're built for stand-up comedy, Ronaldo.

Thanks.

Actually, I was on this show almost seven years ago.

Really?

Yeah.

When we were just visiting Austin or no, St.

Louis?

Yeah, you guys came through St.

Louis, came to Helium Comedy Club.

Wow.

I was like nine months into comedy.

I was 20 years old and like 60 pounds lighter.

It was nice.

Wow.

First person we've had up here all night that's gained weight in the last few years.

Everyone else is like, I have 400 pounds up.

I don't have a belly button no more.

That is uncanny.

Not really known for my impressions, but I do a hell of a blazing nana.

Can I ask a question?

I genuinely wanted to ask, because you opened up with a suicide bit.

Do you suffer with that, or was it just a bit?

I think if you don't think about it, you're lying.

Everybody thinks about it a little bit.

Again, I've never been like, I've never had something in my mouth or like stood on the edge of the bridge.

But I've been like, you know,

I've had some stuff in my mouth, but not a gun, okay?

I've just.

No, I've never tried to kill myself, but, you know, you think about it.

Wow.

Interesting.

How often do these thoughts come into your head?

I mean, you just get kind of sad sometimes.

That's about it.

You know, everybody gets sad a little bit, you know, and then then you go, I want to get out of this town with my friends, and then you feel better.

That's how I grew up.

Interesting.

Nothing.

Yeah.

I don't know about this exactly.

You know, we have,

if you use the promo code Kill Tony,

that is it.

It's a...

Space80 at what?

What is it?

TalkSpace.

That's right.

Talkspace.com.

Use the promo code Space80.

Thank you.

How about a hand for Yoni, everybody?

He's

a Jew

that keeps the show on its tracks, everyone.

Everyone needs a good Jew.

I highly implore you to hire a Jew.

No matter what industry you're in, really, even if you're cleaning Airbnbs like his girlfriend, everyone can use a Jew.

They give you good business advice.

There's

one fan of the Jews back here.

Welcome to Texas.

There's

one guy that agrees with me.

Ronaldo, one more time.

What do you do for fun around here?

Well, I do.

I like to go to hardcore shows.

So that is.

The haircut does make sense.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I like to stage dive and mosh and stuff like that.

And I'm a BMX guy as well.

I go to skate parks, ride bikes at skate parks and stuff.

Hell yeah.

Look at that.

Look at you.

Wow.

We always thought of riding bicycles as being a very healthy pursuit.

Yeah.

I usually drink beer while I'm doing it, so I just did.

Wow, look at you.

All right, Ronaldo.

Amazing set.

What's the longest set you've ever done?

Like 45 minutes.

45 minutes?

Love that.

View on the secret show.

Two in a row.

Two in a row.

And back to Brown, by the way.

Back to Brown.

Ronaldo Mercado.

He's good.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Two amazing

comedians back to back.

And now we turn it up a notch.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of the regulars of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what can I say?

The guy is, without a doubt, probably, god damn it, one of the most fucking incredible forces in the history of Kiltoni.

Killing it everywhere he goes.

Probably, pound for pound, not only one of the top young rising comedians in the world, but probably straight up just one of the best comedians in the world.

This is a brand new minute or more from the great and powerful, the one and only future president of the United States of America.

This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

What's up?

Okay.

You know when you

know when you fuck a girl

and then she gets upset that you told everybody

you fucked her

Yes, bitch.

I told everybody.

I'm trying to show off.

Trust me, you don't want to be the one I fuck.

And then I tell nobody.

I've had plenty of those.

Ladies if you like fuck a co-worker and you don't hear about it a week later

That's a bad sign

That means you're a secret

That means you look like a slub of shit

There's plenty of women who would love a rumor.

Hey, Agatha.

Hey, Agatha, I heard you fucked Dori.

Maybe I did.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

One minute, 39

seconds.

For the freak of nature, Jimmy Carr.

Am I right?

You missed it.

We had a couple of the girls you don't tell anyone about

on earlier.

Really?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

One of them didn't even have a belly button.

It's true.

You love those two.

I love how a chick has a belly piercing that doesn't look like it's pierced, it looks like it's stuck.

Oh my god.

Bloody L.

How are you, Jimmy?

I'm pretty great, man.

Great to see you.

Where are you from?

You from Talon?

Estonia.

Estonia, from Talent.

I've been to Estonia so many times.

I fucking love Estonia.

It's incredible.

I started touring a lot when you had.

But I love it.

You got like a proper fucking scene there, and you are the star.

I'm loving seeing you.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks, guys.

I'm loving seeing the ride.

Did you hear him on Trigonometry this week?

Oh, yeah.

There's a podcast called Trigonometry.

He fucking killed it.

Really?

You listen to that?

You killed it.

You're killing it here.

Yep.

I can't get over it.

I'm loving your stuff.

Thanks, man.

The boy's a freak.

It's an absolute sensation.

I don't know if there's anything ever been quite like it in the history of this show.

Comedy's so crazy, I was just like down the street trying that joke, full silence and confusion.

Yeah.

It happens.

Then you just go.

And then I just come here like, okay, I guess I don't got it.

You made some adjustments?

No.

Okay.

100% same.

Yeah.

The people down the street suck.

They suck, dude.

Yeah.

You were right.

Mothership, man.

This is where it's at.

Yeah.

So, Ari Maddie, you are a sensation.

You're traveling all over, doing it.

Long sets, absolutely everywhere.

What's the update?

Where have you been up to lately?

Oh, we were.

Was Martin Phillips on?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Jimmy, I

listen,

I'm not your manager, but that's not a bad idea.

So me and Martin,

we were in Florida.

Please tell me what this dynamic duo was up to in the great state of Florida.

Jim's fucking party.

I don't think he's got anything.

I think he's just so fucked up all the time.

He parties a lot, dude.

He does.

He dances?

Dude, the bitches love it.

They lose their mind.

They grab him.

They start.

Oh, shit.

He dances like a T-Rex.

Did you just take it?

If you're honest.

Oh,

my God.

We party, Jimmy.

You only took him to get better parking.

Also, bang and parking.

We pull up everywhere.

We just put the sign, plank, plank, just on the

to the store.

You can do the walk, just.

And also, because I'm on the road with him, when he's pre-boarding, I'm right behind him.

Dude, they don't ask.

Oh, my God.

They don't ask.

Just me and Martin, Southwest Airlines.

They don't ask him either.

As people are coming off the plane, we're like, fucking.

These are my boys.

This is my squad.

They're like, those are the Kiltoni guys right there.

Incredible.

So you guys were in Florida.

So we went to like a bar.

Uh-huh.

And we're like boozing.

Everything's cool.

And it's Florida.

It's

Fort Myers, maybe.

Yeah.

So everyone.

Ugly.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck the bar.

And you're there.

Like one of those Star Wars bars, you know.

And you're there with your wingman.

Yeah.

Phillips, who literally has a permanent wing.

I don't like you.

My friend doesn't like you either.

You have been frozen in carbonite.

That's it.

I can do two impressions.

Princess Leia and Blazing Nana.

Okay, so you're in this bar.

So we're like talking, you know, and we noticed that there's no

chicks around.

At the end of the bar, there were these two fucking bullsharks just talking.

Like two women, you know, you don't even know what age they are.

They're just done.

You know when you just drink and smoke so long you don't even have gender.

You're just a carcass.

You should have been here earlier.

Is one of them wearing a fanny pack?

So they're like at the bar.

So you see these two girls and you're like, these are our girls, Mark.

Yeah, we're like, we need seven to eight thousand more drinks.

So they're at the end of the bar and then you know and it's Florida volume bar, you know, it's so fucking loud so you're yelling I'm like yelling to Martin okay disgusting somebody just somebody just belched

and then

Then I noticed to at the other end of the bar an angel

like an Austin four like an absolute

12 and a half.

Yeah,

an angel enters the bar,

and then I turn to Martin.

And at this point, you know, when just

like music stops playing, and you're yelling over a bar?

So I just go, like, as soon as music stops, mid-sentence, I go, I guess there's only one pretty girl here.

The bull sharks activate.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

There's blood in the water.

And this ugly trash bag of a human

looks at me and Martin and goes, which one's the pretty one?

Have you considered writing romantic fiction?

It's a lovely way with words.

And of course I tried to say that.

I go, I guess there's three, you know.

But now the music's playing.

They can't even hear you say that.

It's over.

Yeah.

And then they get some bit.

And then I get nervous because they keep talking.

And then all of a sudden, just a pickup truck full of men get to the bar.

All gorillas.

You know, it's like a scene from a movie where they're coming to beat up the outsiders, you know.

I mean, if you're going to beat up Martin Phillips, this I'm fucked, you know.

And then they come off and I overhear the bullsharks tell these jocks of what went down.

And you know what those guys did, dude?

I was so nervous.

Those guys literally laugh and they go, well, you ain't a prize.

And then, by the way, we started drinking.

Those girls were actually a lot of fun.

They were cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Plus, Martin needs something.

By the way, he he bangs.

I've seen some girls backstage.

It's pretty

like Martin, yeah.

Girls have like a fetish.

They want to take care of you, you know.

They're like, I can fix him, you know.

Oh, my God.

One of the funniest people on stage.

It's a joy to watch.

It's unbelievable.

We get to drink together at night.

We get to sit at fucking Mitzis and get trash together.

And he's this funny all the time.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

I love Ari Matty.

You are a goddamn sensation.

Thank you, Tony.

Freak of nature.

He's a freak lover.

You get to see it live week after week.

The Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

Jack here, spinning fast acting pain relief with Icy Hot.

Ice works fast, heat makes it last.

Icy Hot, you're so back.

You don't technically need this car.

You say that out loud to yourself.

You say, I have no space.

You say, eh, I'm just looking.

Then you click.

Then you zoom in on photo number 87 and whisper, oh no.

Then you text a friend, the one who always enables you.

You say to yourself, this is the last one, knowing it is not.

You don't need this car.

But maybe, just maybe, this car needs you.

Bring a trailer.

It's never just a car.

Back to the bucket we go.

Not easy to follow, Ari Maddie.

This is going to be a minute uninterrupted for Rodrigo Marin.

Everybody, make some noise for Rodrigo.

I don't really

know my own exact race.

But

people say I look like I'm made up of a bunch of different races.

Yeah, some say one of them is black.

Yeah.

So I measured my dick.

I'm definitely Hispanic, guys.

It's settled.

Nah,

every time someone asks if I'm black, I always say, I don't know, I don't know who my dad is.

And every time they say, oh, so you're black.

And every time,

I rob them.

What do you expect?

I was hanging out with some friends the other day, and one of them told me how I've been looking like shit lately.

So I said thanks, man.

I'm really trying to get that Pete Davidson look down.

Thank you guys.

All right.

Rodrigo Marin.

Not only do you have Pete Davidson's look down, you also have his stand-up act down as well.

Yeah.

Wasn't intentional.

We're having fun here.

I'm just kidding.

Pete's great.

Rodrigo, how old are you?

26.

26.

What do you do for work?

I'm a waiter at a restaurant.

Okay.

What do you do for fun?

Smoke weed and go to the gym?

Yeah.

Going to the gym for fun.

When did the gym become an answer for what do you do for fun?

This episode.

It's people.

Well, I used to bodybuild.

Really?

Yeah.

When I was in college.

I'm guessing that didn't work out.

It didn't.

No.

Steroids, I was like, I'm good.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Did you do steroids?

No.

No.

Right.

Don't believe me.

No, no,

I believe you.

Okay.

I believe you.

You are an interesting-looking guy.

The longer I stare at you, the weirder-looking you get.

Same year to you, to be honest.

Wow, what a comeback.

What an amazing comeback.

Same to you.

Well written.

Your act is getting stronger after the minute.

Rodrigo, so

what's your love life like, Rodrigo?

Non-existent since comedy started, to be honest.

It's gotten worse every year.

How long have you been doing comedy?

A year and a half.

Year and a half.

All of it here in Austin?

No, I just moved here from San Antonio.

Okay.

The long 45-minute drive from San Antonio.

Hour and a half, sometimes.

All right.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So you live on the west side of San Antonio?

No, I'm not that ratchet.

All right.

No, it's north side, north side.

Okay.

By UTSA area.

Yeah.

All right.

You have a big family?

I do, yeah.

How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Two brothers.

Well, one of my brothers, I count him a nephew.

He's my nephew.

I count him as a brother.

And then two sisters.

Have they seen you do comedy?

They have not.

No.

No, neither have I.

Yeah.

Was.

It is.

Is that your best material, you think?

Or is that stuff you've written recently?

I think I have better jokes, but they're a little bit longer.

Okay.

Yeah.

A lot longer?

No, just like 30 seconds.

All right, let's hear one of your best jokes.

One of my best jokes.

Yeah, I want to hear one of your best jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his best jokes.

it's a little bit longer.

All right, gonna give him a chance here.

I want to see what you got.

You're a half in, yeah, Rodrigo.

Uh,

I went to a gay bar in college.

I got kicked out for hitting on all the girls,

right?

Yeah, they were like, He's not gay, imposter.

I was like, No, no, no, no, no, I'm gay, I'm gay,

and they were like, Proven.

I was like, oh, fuck.

So there I was,

you know, proving I'm gay

to get the girls,

right?

And I was like, ah, you believe me now, huh?

How about now?

Am I fucking gay, dude, or what?

All right.

Get out of Tony's mind.

It's true.

I go to gay bars just to pick up chicks all the time.

You're just curious.

Amazing.

Okay, Rodrigo, let's try to figure out some real actual funny stuff about your actual life.

Okay.

Other than the gym,

right?

What are some other things that you tend to do or that are interesting or that make you different or your perspective is different or that you find weird about you or your life or your upbringing or anything.

Anything ever happen to you?

You ever get molested or something?

No, I'm that one, but I mean, nobody in my family knows who my dad is.

But

nobody in my family knows who their dad is.

Nobody in my family knows who their dad is.

It feels like there's going to be a butt there and more to this story.

What did your mom say?

Well, she said that

she said that it's this one dude, but everybody else says it's not.

I don't believe.

I don't know who to believe.

Yeah.

So.

When's the last time you talked to your mom about this?

Not too long ago.

When I bring it up, though, she's like,

Do you have your phone on you?

Could we call her?

I don't have it on me.

It's not on me.

I don't have it.

Let's unlock his phone.

Let's do it.

Let's get the phone unlocker out.

Yeah, I'm going to call.

We got to call him mom.

I think we've...

We call him mom.

I think if we just call her, I think she'll understand.

She's very Mexican.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could keep it.

She's very Mexican.

You could keep it quiet.

She's Mexican.

Well, that.

Then we'll have Michael Gonzalez translate for us.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's do it.

I'm calling her.

This is crazy.

Here, you got to put the

BacTimer?

What's your mother's name?

Shanna.

Shanna.

Shanna.

Okay.

And make sure you put the volume all the way up and then when you hit send on the call, put the microphone up to the absolute bottom of the phone, right up against it, okay?

Okay, she does work in the morning, so let's see.

She's awake.

Put the mic next to the bottom of it.

Put it on speaker.

Put it on speaker.

Oh, you're FaceTiming her.

With With a face like that, I would go with an audio call.

It's a FaceTime only a mother could love.

She's.

Come on, pick up Shana.

Turn it up.

Turn the volume up.

My phone's...

That's all it's got.

No way.

Give me that.

Oh, shit.

Mom's hot.

Hold on.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm here with

your son.

Holy shit, she had to.

Oh, is it voicemail?

Oh, is it?

Is it voicemail?

Hello?

Excuse me.

Shana, are you there?

Oh, it beeped.

Sham.

You fell for it, Jimmy.

What the fuck?

Your mom is

your mom for her voicemail, dude?

Hold on.

Hello?

They're almost done, not gay.

I'll tell you right now.

A little bit more.

She's drunk.

She's drinking.

She's off.

Okay.

Hold on.

Shana, hello.

Hello.

Shana, can you hear me?

Shana,

hello?

Well, hello.

We need to.

We're here with your son, and we need to know who his father is.

Who's he?

What?

We know.

We know you caught a lot of dicks 27 years ago.

We need to know whose dick you caught.

What

Shana.

His

His name was also Rodrigo.

Rodrigo.

But where is this guy?

How can we track him down?

Rodrigo wants to meet him.

And

where do you think we should look if we wanted to find him, Shana?

Oh, shit.

I don't know what that happened.

You're on the show right now, Shana.

You're on one of the biggest shows in the world right now.

My name's Tony.

Have you heard?

I think your mother just queefed.

Shana, I'm looking at the picture that you're s you're you're you're unbelievably stunning.

Yeah.

What w w what are you doing Wednesday night?

I'm kidding.

I'm off work.

Rodrigo, you might not know who your dad is, but you're about to meet your stepdad right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've said it before, I say it again.

Tony Hinchcliffe is a motherfucker.

Is my dear lover?

She's very hot.

Look at that picture.

Wow.

This is the first time ever where I can really look a guy in the eyes and go, I want to fuck your mom.

He took a picture of it?

No way.

What are you going to do with that later, Red Band?

Oh, my God.

He really did.

Yeah, she's a smoke show.

Oh, my God.

Christ, it's crazy.

Oh my goodness.

Bing bang for Red Band.

Wow.

Eyebrows on fleek is what they're doing.

Yeah,

she's got some cleavage there.

They used to.

All right.

Okay.

Looks like you and I have more in common than I thought when I first saw you.

Because I'm also going to suck on your mother's tips.

Wow.

Chances are, you're also going to ruin a pussy.

But I'll always be here.

You'll always know right where I am.

And anytime you need a father figure in your life, come to me and I'll help you.

You got money?

You said, you said.

I could see why your dad left.

Now that you're a little

gold-digging boy, that's what you are.

All right, I'll tell you what, even though the minute was pretty rough, maybe it's because you were following Ari Maddie and also the joke about the gay bar, you know, whatever.

But I'm giving you a medium joke book here just so that you could put in a good word for me with your mom.

Oh, we'll get it, we'll get it.

That's fine.

Fun times, Rodrigo.

Keep signing up.

We'll come back again.

Rodrigo Marin, everybody.

We're having fun here tonight.

Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

We're running a little bit long here tonight.

Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night.

It's Adam Sincere.

This is definitely a new name.

I would remember an Adam Sincere.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

One more time for your final bucket pull of the night.

Adam Sincere, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much.

Como está ustedes.

I love it.

All right.

This is fantastic.

I took the bus down here, and

this family got on.

They had like a baby in a stroller, and this kid had a golden earring on.

And I'm not trying to tell you at a parent, but

it's kind of unfair, right?

I mean, the kid can't even talk yet.

And already he's cooler than me.

Yeah.

Then I saw a bumper sticker on the way.

It said, no farms, no food.

This guy just hates everything.

Say, do we have any Jesus fans here?

All right.

I love it.

I'm a little embarrassed.

I was raised thinking that he died for our sins.

I just found out.

Apparently what happened is a bunch of guys killed him.

I did a joke about masturbating too but I'm gonna save that for when it comes in handy thank you

Adam Sincere with his kill Tony debut right down the hatch look at you you're a silly little rock star aren't you grab the microphone Adam you're like a throwback

common sense back there hello how are you doing great welcome welcome how long you been doing stand-up comedy

How long has it been?

It's been about two years before the pandemic, and then I rolled over and died during that for a little while.

I'm trying to get back in.

Okay.

Where do you live?

Boston.

Really?

Wow.

Oh, yes.

And you're just visiting?

I moved here about a week and a half ago.

Well, congratulations, Jimmy Carr.

What year is it where you're from?

I got shot down somewhere over the Pacific, and then I just kind of woke up here, so really.

I kind of love this guy.

I think it's the lines though, the jokes, forget the jokes, the facial expressions of the punchline.

Yeah.

You just exude funny and then the lines, meh.

You got a great face.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jimmy.

I'm speechless.

It feels like you're a cartoon.

Yeah.

Doesn't feel real.

Yeah.

No, I completely agree.

You have a look, you fucking dress up for the night, you look like a professional, you act like you move like a professional.

The jokes could use up a little bit of a little bit of something, but obviously you're a year,

whatever, two years before the pandemic.

It's like you're coming back.

Oh, yes.

You're making some kind of return.

I'm trying to.

And you just moved here a week and a half ago, so you're in the right place.

I feel like, especially after this adulation, really?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Adulation.

I feel like.

Yeah, it feels like it's like watching Family Guy, the casting for the young Peter Griffin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Family Guy meets Scooby-Doo.

Something.

Something's going on here.

What do you do for work exactly?

I've been a bartending for a while, but I'm on the hunt right now.

I just applied for a farmhand and a private investigator this morning.

Well, I think it's, yeah, that's very smart because you you really want to narrow your search

You really want to yeah, you really want to specialize in a private investigator on a farm maybe

Preferably do you have any experience in farming whatsoever?

Is there a lot of farming where you live in Boston?

No, not right

I'm eager

Well, you're dressed as a 70s detective

That's got to help hasn't it?

It does especially yeah in in sleuthing for a job it definitely helps helps to dress the part on the computer.

Wow.

So, yeah,

did you go to the farmhand interview dress like that?

I actually didn't get a call back.

Wow.

But cool, it's not show business.

It's a farmhand.

You took a headshot to a farmhand job?

My agent said I didn't get the role at the farmhand.

How about the PI thing?

Do you have any experience in that whatsoever?

I don't.

It just, it seems, you know, when you're a little boy, you want to be a cop, and then you grow up and you realize you don't want to hurt anybody, but you like the whole, you know, adventure.

Sorry, I don't.

I'm homeless.

You couldn't be.

I like sneaking around and saving the day, but like, you know, I don't want to kill anybody.

There's a couple of cops in going, you know, we like hurting people.

You just haven't given it a go.

So you only have experience bartending, pretty much.

As, Yeah, as an adult, if you can call it that.

Yeah, pretty much.

How many years have you bartended?

Four.

Okay, so yeah.

Have you thought about looking for bartending jobs in the city of Austin, a place which per capita has more bars than any other city in the world?

I have.

I actually,

I did get a call back today.

You did get a call back.

Yeah.

Very good.

Fingers are crossed for the job that you actually can do.

Jimmy Carr.

I'm just thinking about Scooby-Doo.

I know, it's crazy.

We're all thinking, where's Scoob?

Yeah.

Do you live in a van?

I thought about it.

But no, I did try living near the Charles River for a month just to see what all the hype was about.

I wouldn't recommend it.

I got like five minutes of good material from it, but you know.

That's a crazy river in Boston?

Oh, yes.

Okay.

It's like a Boston bean.

I don't know about it.

Okay.

So, Adam Sincere, tell us, how do you end up like this?

You have a wacky family, childhood, or something?

There's a lot of possibilities.

How old are you again?

For some reason, you look young and like you fought in Vietnam.

There's definitely

something mixed up spiritually, but I'm 31.

I know, I know, I know.

And you were born on the 4th of July.

That's right.

It is incredible.

I can't get enough of this guy.

I really like him.

Yeah, it's amazing.

What else have you done comedically?

Like, what type of accomplishments do you have?

I've been writing in notebooks since I was 16, but I've always been too shy.

And, you know,

if anyone else wants to go first, you know, I'm happy to get in the back of the line.

I wouldn't recommend it.

You got to speak up for yourself.

We've got to get you out there.

We've got to get you out there.

Your face is just funny.

Yeah.

Everything, I love it.

Thank you.

It is true.

I'm trying to figure out.

What do you do for fun?

What are your hobbies and whatnot?

I've kind of sequestered myself.

I like to get high and play music.

I'm trying to actually be more productive, so

I'm kind of sober, even California sober right now.

That means I haven't done any drugs in a week, and it's been a very long week.

That means pot.

You're talking about pot?

Pot,

you know, mushrooms are great.

A social drink is fine.

But I've never dabbled really with anything.

Are you Gary Oldman playing a character right now?

He's, well, literally the best actor in the world and I'm starting to see it.

And today, you're so good, you're playing a 31-year-old wacky comedian.

It's looking for a job in Austin.

That's why you keep accidentally saying callback for all these things.

You're one of the greatest actors in the world, aren't you?

You might be on to something, my friend.

Have you gotten that before?

Have people told you you look like Gary Oldman?

No, I've gotten Jonathan Taylor Thomas

blended with Cam from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and a little bit of one of the Baldwin brothers thrown in there.

Yeah, so I could see all that.

You have a look.

Have you always had bangs?

Good question, Red Band.

It's

Brian Redband.

I'm pretty sure his next line is, can I finger you?

Yeah.

I mean, I am jobless.

No, I gave myself a mullet during the pandemic, the barbershop shut down, and then every three months I get wine drunk, and I just wake up Dutch.

Look at that.

Oh, yeah.

You wake up Dutch?

Well, you know, it's, yeah.

What does that mean?

It's like a perfect bowl cut in the front and then it has to grow in and look natural.

So you're such a fucking character.

This is so interesting.

Thank you.

God damn.

You need to get him a good bartending job somewhere.

It's a shame we don't know anybody that owns a comedy club around here.

All right.

That must be staffed at the time.

How much longer do you have until you run out of money?

And have to go back to the Charles River with your...

with your you probably do have a tail between your legs.

He does have a look like he might have like a weird little tail that like waggles and we can't see it because it's underneath his pants.

Anybody else get that?

Okay.

It's the first time I've said that in 12 years.

Do you have a tail?

I don't.

I've never tried adding one either.

Prove it.

Whoa,

all right.

That's enough.

That's enough.

That's whiskey bike.

Yeah,

you're giving us all whiskey hole right now.

But no, I got hit by a car, so I have a nest egg at the moment.

Okay, tell us about this car accident.

Were you walking or driving?

Bicycling.

Wow, okay.

Do you have a basket on the front of your bike?

I can picture a basket.

You do?

It was on the back, but I did have a basket.

He had a basket on the bike.

Let the record show I saw a basket.

And god damn it, he had a basket.

And

you got hit at speed?

Or when I was moving?

Or?

Yeah, what were you?

Oh, yes.

Famous picture.

I was bicycling home and the sun was just setting.

Where were you going home from?

The bar.

Oh, so it was late in the middle of the night.

Well, it was still bright enough.

That's important because the person said that they were blinded by headlights, but it was still daylight, so

I'm not buying it.

Correct.

Did they play the bass guitar?

Actually,

the only reason I got litigious is they left the car running.

They left the windows up.

They never got out.

Instead, a mechanic across the street ran over, and he made the call, but this person just left their car running over me.

So I said, now I have to sue you.

Like an apology, that's totally fine.

They would have let bygones.

So if someone runs you over, but they apologize, you're okay with it.

But if they just drive off, you go, well, that seems a bit much.

So let us.

You may be the nicest man in the world?

The world is wondering right now.

So they hit you.

They left the car running.

Well, that's going to be triggering.

So they hit you, and then they get out of the car and run on foot?

No, no, no.

They stayed in the car.

It was running, and they just left the windows up.

Like, they just, I think they were scared.

I have to assume.

What type of person was it?

What did they look like?

The mechanic mechanic said, ma'am, don't leave, sir, don't move.

And so

that was you.

You've got a strange haircut.

I've got a very masculine Pradfall, though, so they could probably tell.

Okay.

Okay, final question here.

What amount of money did you get from this lawsuit?

Oh,

it was in the end

about $12,000 for $12,000, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

He said $12,000 for a second.

We all had a number in our head.

Yeah.

And then the hard thousand.

So he has weeks to survive here.

12.

12,000.

12,000, Jim.

I might start running people over.

And then just sit there staring straightforward with the windows up.

Here's your money.

Amazing.

Sorry.

Well, Adam Sincere, very fun times.

Keep signing up for this show.

You're very lucky.

It's only been a week and a half.

Is this your first time signing up today?

No, last June I visited and I gave it a shot then too.

Okay.

Look at you.

You're very lucky, except for when it comes to riding a bicycle.

Here's a big joke book, my friend.

Congratulations.

Adam Sincere has arrived to the Kill Tony universe.

What a fucking episode tonight.

And there's only one way to end end an episode like this.

Kill Tony brought to you by Blue Nile, Nick, and Blue Chew.

Reminder, Jimmy Carr is on a global tour.

JimmyCarr.com.

He's going to Australia, New Zealand, and Europe.

And all over America.

JimmyCarr.com.

Ladies and gentlemen, now is the time.

that you have all been waiting for.

I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever in the history of the show.

The most interviews ever.

The most everything ever.

Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him

the great king of

kebabs.

He's known for going to food trucks.

Some people call him the Prince of Pizza, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla.

This is

the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Biden's got terminal prostate cancer.

Apparently he caught it at one of Pete Diddy's free coughs.

They might be giants.

They might be annoying.

Okay, that's a band.

Okay, let's keep moving.

Want to know if someone

went to either public or private school?

Ask them if their high school graduation was loud.

Barack Obama's daughter, Malia, has been accused of plagiarism.

Apparently, she developed a commercial for Nike that was shockingly similar to another black person's work.

The commercial began, I have a dream.

That doesn't sound familiar to me.

Okay, that's my time Tony.

Thank you the legend the one the only

The young king William Montgomery Jimmy Carr

Louis CKFC

No doubt I'm going for sir.

It's fantastic.

Yeah, it's great to see you.

Well, thank you so much.

It's wonderful to see you as well Jimmy

He's fully formed, isn't he?

He really is.

He just it's a look that wouldn't No other industry would accept this.

Right.

I was not doing well at my storage unit job.

I was working at a storage unit place before this, and I used to get into it with my manager, Christina Gonzalez.

And I swear to God, I think she didn't like me because I had red hair.

She was a Hispanic girl, and I love Hispanic people, but she was Hispanic, and I think she had something against red-headed people.

Well, fuck that bitch.

Yeah, she was horrible.

She was a fat, nasty, fucking, I don't know, just nasty, horrible person.

Well, she works at a a storage unit facility, and you're now one of the most famous comedians in the world.

How exciting is that?

Come out.

Were you living and working at the storage facility?

No, I was not.

I was living in a place with six other people in, where was it, Echo Park in LA?

When we moved, Jimmy, when I moved, the spot on my mattress, it was all black.

It looked like somebody had died on my mattress because at the time I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine and I would just pass out on my mattress at night without any covers or anything.

So it looked like a big black spot.

It's nice.

It's nice because cocaine used to be a very glamorous drug.

And I really feel you're making it feel more accessible.

Yeah.

Which is good.

That's what I'm going for.

It almost destroyed my life, but I miss it.

I miss it.

I miss being able to do it.

How often do you think about it?

We never really talk about that.

Think about doing cocaine.

Yeah.

I've got, I was

somewhere this weekend, Tony, and I got somebody a beer,

and I got mad at them because I was like, okay, get the fucking beer out of my hands.

I poured the beer for somebody, and I was like, okay, get it out of my hands because I really wanted to drink this weekend, Tony.

I've been feeling kind of crazy recently, so I really wanted to drink.

But I didn't drink because I think I'm at four years of not drinking like this week.

So that's

about to kill myself, Jimmy.

So I had to stop drinking.

Don't fucking do it.

Don't do it.

This is the new dopamine.

This is the shit.

This is the genuine joy, right?

Drugs and alcohol are a proxy for the joy you get from life, right?

The real joy.

This is the real fucking show.

You're great at it.

You're fucking great at it.

And the joy you bring to others is unmatched, William.

It is incredible.

Every single week.

Also, what was it like fighting in the Civil War?

It was crazy.

I was against a bunch of fucking Yankees.

It was a nightmare.

Fucking Gettysburg was a real crazy place.

I was at Gettysburg.

If you told me you had wooden teeth, I would believe you.

You just feel like you're from another era.

I love it.

It is such a look, William.

What have you been up to this week?

Where did you go?

Had to go to LA for a memorial for somebody.

So it's very sad.

So I was real kind of down this week.

And then I was able to go to the fair.

I went to the LA County Fair.

So that was fun.

I walked around the fair for 10 hours on Thursday.

Wow.

What did you do?

What did you do at the fair?

I ate two foot-long corn dogs.

I ate,

what else did I eat?

I ate

a bunch of ice cream, ate some sauce serve, ate.

Tell us what else you ate, William.

Fuck, I ate corn on the cob, corn in a bowl.

Are you going to get a little louder on the fucking horns, you pieces of shit?

I mean, it's like Jimmy's in the fucking building tonight.

Come on.

Y'all know I was eating some motherfucking corn.

Y'all know I was eating some hot dogs.

Y'all know I was eating the corn dogs.

Y'all know I was eating Skittles.

Y'all know I was eating him and Eddie.

Y'all know I was drinking some Coca-Cola!

And it's a bananas, Tony.

I need to get some fruit in there.

You mixed in some fruit.

What's

How much cocaine did you do and what's the half-life of cocaine?

It feels like you may be residual still very high.

Every once in a while he snaps back into having cocaine energies.

What else did you did you snack on anything else at the fair?

Yeah, I mean, I had a fucking

what are the big, what's the big bone with the

turkey leg?

You had a turkey leg.

I had a turkey leg.

Wow.

I had a donut cheeseburger.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Jimmy, that's a donut cut and avan cheeseburger in the middle.

Yes, I don't know what you're working on.

Type three diabetes?

Well, it's not good.

I had my blood tested last week and my A1C is not good.

I'm pre-diabetic right now.

What's your blood type?

Gravy.

What's my blood type?

What?

Gravy.

Gravity, yeah.

The light.

My A1C is 5.8 right now, which apparently is pre-diabetic.

Wow.

Hey, listen.

I believe in you.

You can get there.

Thank you.

I know.

Thank you.

But yeah, I'm pre-diabetic.

What have you been eating since you got these blood test results?

Give us some of the snacks that you've been eating since you found out you were pre-diabetes.

Are you wide away for dinner tonight?

Yeah.

Peanut butter and jelly.

Jambo!

Wow.

Are you ever going to stop eating crazy?

I'm ever going to stop eating peanut butter and jelly.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen,

has done it again.

The reigning, defending record holder on every level of the show.

And And he's done it again.

The drawing from Ryan J.

Ebelt is in of tonight's guest, Jimmy Carr.

It is incredible.

How about one more time for Jimmy Carr, ladies and gentlemen?

JimmyCarr.com.

Thank you, Redman.

Thank you, Tony.

One of the best guests in the history of the show.

We love you, Jimmy.

Unfucking believable.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up over there tonight.

Oh,

I'm guessing that's Casey, maybe?

Casey Rocket?

Ari Maddie?

Okay, Ari Matty.

All right.

Sometimes they need a little touch-up after the show, you know what I mean?

Piled in.

How about one more time for Chris Rogers?

Amazing local artist.

We love him.

Chris Rogers art on social media.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band?

Matt Muelling, John Bees, Nick Lewis on the bass, Michael Gonzalez, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo.

Red band?

Check out the secret show every Thursday at the sunsetstripatx.com.

Love you guys.

I'm doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden on night one in August, August 16th or the 17th.

Madison Square Cup.

Yeah.

And then we're doing Kill Tony the next night, so it's a big two-night fiasco at Madison Square Garden.

You're coming to London, right?

You're coming to London.

And we're going to be in London in a month.

June 7th.

June 7th in London.

Kill Tony.

Get tickets.

Let's go.

We love you.

God bless this audience.

Thank you so much.

We love you.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets.

All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better.

You know the moment, you're binge-watching different things, and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected.

Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery, though let's be honest.

Getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver.

It's also Prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to and all the things that make life more interesting, right, Ban?

Whether streaming a stand-up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way.

So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember Prime is there for it.

I do it all on Prime.

Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime.

Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into.

Amazon.com slash Prime.

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