KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 7 Hello, do you see me?

Speaker 6 England, London. It's me, the young king, here with the Prime Rib Minister, Brian Redban, inviting you to the lovely O2 arena for one night only, June 7th.

Speaker 16 That's enough.

Speaker 17 It's enough.

Speaker 18 Too much sauerkraut for you.

Speaker 19 Your hat?

Speaker 12 Get in front of the sign, you buffo.

Speaker 22 That's why you're not true royalty

Speaker 28 Hey, this is our your only chance to see us on the other side of the world because we're pure blood Americans We're putting on an act right now pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets making us feel like we're connected in some way, but We are coming the number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th.

Speaker 32 Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them tonyhenchcliffe.com and we'll see you there

Speaker 6 for royalty waits for no one

Speaker 35 somebody put on some elden jar

Speaker 20 oh you too

Speaker 37 Hey, this is Greg Deck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 41 Give it up for Tony Hitchcock.

Speaker 43 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 43 we made it

Speaker 45 Brian Reddan ladies and gentlemen and that is the best damn band in the land

Speaker 43 the great Carlos Sosa over there on horns Fernando Castillo Raul Vallejo Nachos Belgrande

Speaker 51 Belvita Chaluba that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 43 They call him Big Mike. He gets a little bit bigger every week.

Speaker 31 That is the mutilator Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 43 The great John Dees is back on the keys.

Speaker 43 He's been on tour, crushing it, and on bass tonight, joining us with perfect vision.

Speaker 10 The man can see.

Speaker 7 This is Nick Lewis joining the band tonight.

Speaker 52 Deep Magnus.

Speaker 43 with a very rare night off.

Speaker 55 How much fun is this?

Speaker 56 We are here.

Speaker 63 We we are live so exciting before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible all right let's talk about how amazon prime makes everything better you know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though let's be honest getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver it's also prime video for all the comedy specials amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting, right, Ben?

Speaker 71 Whether streaming a stand-up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way.

Speaker 71 So, whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember Prime is there for it.

Speaker 72 I do it all on Prime.

Speaker 73 Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

Speaker 75 From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime.

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Speaker 43 Hattiday, bring it on.

Speaker 48 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 43 Well, then let's do it, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 49 This is another one-guest episode, and that means that that means that I think that there's enough action-packed in this one solitary guest that we're going to have the goddamn time of our lives.

Speaker 27 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest guests in the show's history.

Speaker 59 We haven't been able to get him on since before the pandemic because he's a global international superstar.

Speaker 96 And

Speaker 90 it ain't easy booking these people on a Monday night, but we got him tonight.

Speaker 90 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world currently on a global, huge fucking tour.

Speaker 88 Make some noise for one of my favorite comedians.

Speaker 97 This is Jimmy Carr, everybody.

Speaker 97 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 97 That is correct. The people on their feet are correct.
Those are good fans.

Speaker 97 Yes.

Speaker 97 The great Jimmy Carr is back

Speaker 97 on Kill Tony.

Speaker 58 The American tour.

Speaker 53 Australia, New Zealand, and Europe.

Speaker 80 Jimmy Carr with2Rs.com.

Speaker 43 The man, the myth, roast god, super comedian.

Speaker 25 And when him and I get together, we tend to have what we would call a hoot nanny.

Speaker 85 Well, yes, indeed. It's an honor and a privilege for you to have me here.

Speaker 90 We're going to have fun.

Speaker 103 Jimmy, you know the show very well.

Speaker 104 And

Speaker 7 230 comedians signed up for the chance to be here tonight.

Speaker 86 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 91 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 25 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and interrupts them.

Speaker 90 And then I conduct an interview.

Speaker 107 We have a lot lot of fun. We meet them all together.

Speaker 85 This is going to be great. This is cause for celebration.

Speaker 34 Absolutely. Absolutely.

Speaker 85 One-third of the horn section are in remission.

Speaker 111 It is.

Speaker 49 It is incredible.

Speaker 85 Let's enjoy them while we have them. Absolutely.

Speaker 43 Two of them have cancer.

Speaker 88 One of them is certainly going to be deported to El Salvador any day now.

Speaker 97 There's a lot to worry about over there. Let's go to this illegal immigrant and let him pick the first name.

Speaker 94 Right off the top, that's what kind of bucket pull you are.

Speaker 116 All right. Normally, you people work a little bit harder, but okay.

Speaker 5 We're gonna start with that name.

Speaker 75 We're gonna go wrangle that person from the bar next door and while that person gets informed that they are about to be on the biggest comedy on YouTube and Netflix.

Speaker 88 Ladies and gentlemen, to get us warmed up here tonight, this is a brand new minute from one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Speaker 48 Here to flex off another new minute of material, make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

Speaker 79 Well, what's up?

Speaker 121 I get really emotionally attached after

Speaker 121 sex, so

Speaker 121 sex workers hate me.

Speaker 122 They're like, quit calling.

Speaker 81 I just want to talk.

Speaker 11 Come on.

Speaker 121 You know, a deer loses her antlers because of low testosterone. So don't ever give a guy a hard time for not being able to keep it up because it could fall off, you know,

Speaker 121 to be way worried, you know, and it's tough for the deer.

Speaker 121 They can't hide that.

Speaker 121 It's obvious that everyone that they're a pussy ass bit.

Speaker 43 Fuck yeah, Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, with another new minute again and again and again.

Speaker 27 Not afraid to come out and get the show started.

Speaker 92 Welcome.

Speaker 90 Jimmy Carr, is this your first time seeing Martin?

Speaker 85 Yeah, you seem nervous. You're shaking a lot.

Speaker 37 I'm nervous.

Speaker 37 I'm you, you know.

Speaker 85 I don't wanna, I know I speak with an English actor, but I think it's a little bit pretentious to do the whole Stephen Hawkin thing.

Speaker 11 Hey, I can walk.

Speaker 127 Okay.

Speaker 85 That is perhaps not the not the greatest of flexes, but yeah.

Speaker 102 Although

Speaker 122 not a pedophile.

Speaker 80 This guy's great. He's great.

Speaker 51 We call him Stephen Walking.

Speaker 82 Oh, geez.

Speaker 85 I think we can put that on the poster. He's a walking, talking Stephen Hawk.

Speaker 129 Cool.

Speaker 49 That is a badass fucking.

Speaker 111 That's merch for days.

Speaker 7 A walking, talking Stephen Hawkins.

Speaker 85 I was weirdly good friends with Stephen Hawkins.

Speaker 5 You were?

Speaker 85 Yeah, we were pretty close. We used to spend a lot of time together, and he could take a joke.

Speaker 85 He came to see a show of mine once in Cambridge, and the rest of the audience was so uncomfortable around him.

Speaker 85 Just because I said that, you know, when he dies, it's probably going to be

Speaker 45 a virus

Speaker 85 of one kind or another.

Speaker 85 God bless his little heart.

Speaker 5 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 121 A long time, like a decade or more.

Speaker 115 He's fucking good. Oh, thanks.

Speaker 105 Let me ask you a question because now I'm interested.

Speaker 10 Was Stephen Hawking, when he was in your audience, was he literally hit?

Speaker 5 Was he typing like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha?

Speaker 102 Was he like making noise?

Speaker 85 He was trying to get out.

Speaker 97 He was trying to back up out out of there.

Speaker 56 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 53 Martin, what else is going on this week?

Speaker 97 You found the dog.

Speaker 111 That's huge.

Speaker 46 Yes.

Speaker 80 We found him.

Speaker 48 You guys might not know, but his dog got away.

Speaker 134 His dog escaped.

Speaker 107 We found this out last week or the week before.

Speaker 121 My brother was watching it and he got out.

Speaker 115 But luckily,

Speaker 121 homeless people picked him up.

Speaker 121 The homeless look after their own. And

Speaker 121 he lived in the encampment for like three days.

Speaker 102 And

Speaker 122 I don't know what the hell happened, but he's been acting survived.

Speaker 5 So great.

Speaker 121 He probably saw some shit, but you know,

Speaker 5 probably.

Speaker 121 And

Speaker 121 all he had was fleas. So could have been worse, you know?

Speaker 104 Could have been worse.

Speaker 121 no doubt about it, yeah. So, a lot of people, you know, we can say what we will about the homeless people of Austin, Texas, but go with me,

Speaker 57 absolutely.

Speaker 25 And so, someone told you that they saw your dog with homeless people?

Speaker 121 Yeah, I work out with

Speaker 121 the dog for like a rescue lady who was helping me, and yeah, somebody she was, well, there's a Walgreens working

Speaker 121 out, and somebody was like, Yeah, I've seen that dog with a homeless lady and then her

Speaker 121 person drank down the homeless lady went uh a couple in cat bands and went to the underworld of autism

Speaker 56 the the other side people don't know about you know wow so yeah amazing so to be honest with you i was making bets with red band that you were not going to be able to get your dog back i thought the last person that will be able to get a lost dog is you martin yeah

Speaker 121 I didn't think we were going to find him, but you know,

Speaker 121 he heard the jokes you made on him getting hit by a car,

Speaker 5 and he wanted me to tell you,

Speaker 121 fuck you. Right.

Speaker 53 I don't blame him.

Speaker 80 I deserve that.

Speaker 46 And

Speaker 121 I showed him, I showed him a picture of you, and he was like, oh, I'm a dog. I know that's a bitch.

Speaker 126 Oh, my God.

Speaker 46 Oh,

Speaker 43 my God.

Speaker 124 Oh,

Speaker 46 my god.

Speaker 3 Oh my god.

Speaker 132 This is great.

Speaker 53 Wow. I know someone who's taking a few weeks off of the show.

Speaker 121 Andy, I didn't say that. Andy, Stephanie.
Andy.

Speaker 37 Andy the dog.

Speaker 121 Oh, Gladys, Glounce. That is a big man.

Speaker 20 You're a cool guy.

Speaker 140 I love it.

Speaker 18 I can't believe you speak dog.

Speaker 10 It's interesting how God takes away some things and gives you other gifts.

Speaker 86 That's incredible.

Speaker 5 It's a mouth in Enocur.

Speaker 141 Martin, you are a fucking international superstar.

Speaker 43 And you got the show started yet again. One more time for one of the top young rising comedians in the world, Martin Phillips, everybody.

Speaker 51 Spoiler alert.

Speaker 43 He's not nervous.

Speaker 45 He has cerebral palsy.

Speaker 86 Okay, this is to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 31 Over 200 people, as you know, they have no idea that they're going up until a name is pulled. You know, anything can happen here.
It could be the next great comedian found right here.

Speaker 31 It could be a completely insane person. We're going to meet them all together.
60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 113 Your first comedian of the night goes by the name of Solomon, everybody.

Speaker 8 Solomon is first.

Speaker 143 Guys, we really need to stop calling women cows. It's really fucking them up.
Yeah, seriously, there's scientific evidence that generational traumas change our DNA.

Speaker 143 So we've been calling them cows for so long, they're turning into cows. It's not just the weight, they've started wearing these rings around their noses.

Speaker 143 And they're eating grass and taking shits on the streets, so no more cows.

Speaker 143 And also, we need to stop shoving dicks in their mouths. You see, Thousands of years of dick sucking is stretching the jaw.
And now the mouths have grown so big, it's really hard to shut them up.

Speaker 143 And guys,

Speaker 143 you know why our bread smells so bad?

Speaker 143 It's the generational trauma of thousands of years of eating that stinking pussy.

Speaker 106 Thank you, that's my time.

Speaker 80 Solomon.

Speaker 114 Wow, what's going on over there?

Speaker 147 Why are you laughing like that, Solomon? What's going on?

Speaker 25 You're sweating like I've never seen anything like it before.

Speaker 53 You were dry when you came out here a minute ago.

Speaker 44 Yes,

Speaker 79 you were, yeah, Jimmy.

Speaker 85 You're sweating like a child molested in court.

Speaker 139 Yeah,

Speaker 85 it is incredible. Which is maybe an experience you've had.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 86 this is amazing.

Speaker 53 I've never seen anyone so wet on the show before.

Speaker 143 I know, I'm so wet, I'm dripping.

Speaker 23 You're kind of gay, dude.

Speaker 53 What's going on, Solomon?

Speaker 81 You look like you're on the in- What is that?

Speaker 49 What do they call that?

Speaker 97 He's like a Bollywood brokeback mountain or something like that.

Speaker 149 Jimmy.

Speaker 85 What about clothes that fit?

Speaker 81 You are

Speaker 92 you are you are dressed like your outfit is painted on you.

Speaker 65 It's all very tight, unlike your asshole.

Speaker 147 Let's talk about it, Solomon.

Speaker 117 Are you straight or gay?

Speaker 145 Straight.

Speaker 41 Really? Okay.

Speaker 85 Agreed to disagree?

Speaker 2 Is this how gay I seem to everybody?

Speaker 12 Is that why it is?

Speaker 149 Oh my God, now I see why the jokes work so well.

Speaker 122 Holy shit.

Speaker 10 Oh my god, look at the way you do the things with your hands.

Speaker 111 What is that?

Speaker 2 This is all incredibly gay.

Speaker 143 I don't know.

Speaker 48 It's the panel that brings it out.

Speaker 53 Okay, I don't know what you're saying.

Speaker 138 It's the what?

Speaker 131 I need a

Speaker 127 panel, brought it out.

Speaker 87 The fuck does that mean?

Speaker 35 People are asking genuine questions.

Speaker 114 They're like, Tony, I have a. It's amazing.

Speaker 117 So, Solomon, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 151 About two years now. About two years.

Speaker 85 Agree to disagree.

Speaker 47 Oh, you are the best, Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 105 So, Solomon, what are you talking about?

Speaker 87 What were you talking about the whole time?

Speaker 81 You were getting laughs.

Speaker 117 Like, very hard to understand.

Speaker 95 There's not a monitor or an earpiece or anything in the world that could get me to fully understand the way you speak what you call English.

Speaker 67 Where are you from?

Speaker 60 Pakistan. Pakistan.

Speaker 96 How long have you been in America?

Speaker 143 17, 18 years.

Speaker 153 Wow. Do you think you speak English well?

Speaker 32 Barely.

Speaker 79 That's the right answer. Trying to.

Speaker 89 That's the correct answer.

Speaker 154 Okay, what do you do for work, Solomon?

Speaker 23 I drive right chair Uber Lyft.

Speaker 61 That seems like that's what you would do.

Speaker 60 That seems like.

Speaker 44 We were all thinking it.

Speaker 85 I'm glad you said it.

Speaker 148 Do you sweat like this while you're driving?

Speaker 143 Not really, but

Speaker 89 you seem so happy.

Speaker 5 Are you happy? Yes.

Speaker 56 Okay. What else brings you joy, Solomon?

Speaker 105 What else makes you happy in this world?

Speaker 21 It's a pretty good job.

Speaker 85 I might have the wrong settings on my Uber.

Speaker 44 I might have it to quiet.

Speaker 128 Yes.

Speaker 86 What makes you happy, Solomon? It's a a pretty easy question.

Speaker 156 What brings you joy?

Speaker 130 Do you like square dancing, perhaps?

Speaker 87 Square dancing?

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 89 No, I don't. You can say anything.

Speaker 113 You can name anything that you like.

Speaker 143 No, I love hikes.

Speaker 88 You like heights? Yeah, nature.

Speaker 61 Hikes.

Speaker 89 Okay, I thought he was saying heights, like

Speaker 138 hijacking an airplane, perhaps at 30,000 feet or something like that.

Speaker 93 What made you move to America 18 years ago?

Speaker 143 Family.

Speaker 127 Okay. Yes.

Speaker 85 Well, they were sick of you, were they?

Speaker 20 Probably, yeah.

Speaker 136 And what were they doing here that got you to move here?

Speaker 143 My dad had been here.

Speaker 92 What was your dad doing here?

Speaker 134 Limousine service.

Speaker 128 He started smiling before he said it.

Speaker 85 I don't want to profile, but I think I've just seen a suspicious package.

Speaker 79 There is.

Speaker 148 There is a little fucking.

Speaker 57 Look at that little fucking.

Speaker 144 What are you rubbing it right now?

Speaker 126 What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 5 Hell yeah.

Speaker 18 You got a fucking SACA stand.

Speaker 5 Look at that fucking thing.

Speaker 5 You are, you are packing something.

Speaker 61 That is for sure.

Speaker 18 You have a goddamn terrorist cell in your pants right now.

Speaker 128 Look at that fucking thing.

Speaker 101 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 20 How big is your dick?

Speaker 91 Oh, you're actually actually showing me.

Speaker 9 You're looking at a microphone saying it is the length of a microphone.

Speaker 156 That is huge.

Speaker 53 As far as I know, I study, obviously, as you know, I study penis sizes by culture.

Speaker 159 And Pakistanis are not knowing for carrying such a huge

Speaker 79 fucking guy.

Speaker 141 My dad had a limousine service.

Speaker 159 How about mom? What did mom do?

Speaker 23 Mom?

Speaker 106 Yeah, what does mom do? Housewife.

Speaker 89 Housewife. Very good.
Yeah, that's she has to listen to what your dad tells her to do.

Speaker 160 Am I correct?

Speaker 122 Sometimes. Okay.

Speaker 101 All right.

Speaker 54 What's your favorite thing about being an American, Solomon?

Speaker 143 Just live in the dream, Tony.

Speaker 88 That is the correct.

Speaker 156 Again, the correct answer. I was going to have you deported if you answered incorrectly there.

Speaker 27 Look at you. That is so interesting.

Speaker 55 You must do something for fun here in Texas.

Speaker 91 What do you do when you're not ubering?

Speaker 75 and trying comedy?

Speaker 143 I actually am into fitness. I actually have to thank you all for

Speaker 143 putting me on it.

Speaker 151 I used to be a

Speaker 89 getting you into fitness.

Speaker 143 Yes, Kill Tony and actually inspired me to do all this.

Speaker 47 Red ban is part of Kill Tony.

Speaker 106 Are you aware that the green blob that I've worked with every Monday for 12 years, you're giving him credit for you going to the gym?

Speaker 53 He's never done any.

Speaker 50 He doesn't even walk anywhere.

Speaker 38 Relax, Tony. You're feeling great.

Speaker 151 No, before COVID, I was a 300-plus pound algorithm.

Speaker 41 No way.

Speaker 126 Wow, how about that?

Speaker 47 That is incredible.

Speaker 43 Jimmy.

Speaker 85 Now, fat people are notoriously funny.

Speaker 85 Have you considered putting the weight back on?

Speaker 17 Look how much fun this guy's having up here.

Speaker 87 He's adorable.

Speaker 153 There's got to be something about it.

Speaker 152 There's something about this fucking guy.

Speaker 159 I can't quite put my finger on it.

Speaker 141 Solomon, you have any pets?

Speaker 127 No.

Speaker 46 No.

Speaker 148 You say that like you kick puppies.

Speaker 13 No,

Speaker 143 I don't. I like them.
I just don't like the way people treat him.

Speaker 143 Some

Speaker 135 kind of obsession going on here with the dogs.

Speaker 90 You think there's too many dog owners?

Speaker 130 Yes.

Speaker 136 What?

Speaker 79 ask?

Speaker 85 Yeah, way to win them over.

Speaker 130 What would be your solution to this dog problem that you think we have here in America?

Speaker 122 I don't know if I have a solution, but

Speaker 143 it's just annoying to see like too many dogs.

Speaker 101 Wow.

Speaker 49 wow coming from a guy that harbored osama bin laden for quite some time

Speaker 158 just one note you have too many dogs

Speaker 158 i love america but goddamn too many barking dogs

Speaker 79 even the guy that can't barely wobble and walk

Speaker 79 losing his dog to the homeless

Speaker 163 They have strollers for dogs.

Speaker 150 Uh-huh.

Speaker 60 It is true.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 106 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 121 But

Speaker 107 Solomon, I'll tell you what, dude.

Speaker 27 You've been on the show once before?

Speaker 58 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 86 What size joke book did you get last time?

Speaker 153 Very small. This is a.

Speaker 85 That's the smallest size it comes in.

Speaker 9 No, there's one size smaller.

Speaker 88 This is actually a medium joke book.

Speaker 93 I was going to give him a medium one.

Speaker 88 Because believe it or not, I do believe that set got more laughs than your last set.

Speaker 100 Would you agree?

Speaker 145 Yes.

Speaker 136 Well, then, my friend, that's a little bit of growth for you there you go thank you cool

Speaker 43 on to the next one we go

Speaker 43 are we having fucking fun in here tonight huh

Speaker 43 yeah

Speaker 43 there goes solomon everybody

Speaker 63 all right let's talk about how amazon prime makes everything better you know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though let's be honest Getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver.

Speaker 67 It's also Prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting, right, Ban?

Speaker 71 Whether streaming a stand-up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way.

Speaker 71 So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember Prime is there for it.

Speaker 72 I do it all on Prime.

Speaker 73 Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

Speaker 75 From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime.

Speaker 67 Visit amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.com slash Prime.

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Speaker 49 The name broke in half.

Speaker 48 Make some rights for your next comedian, Sean Stewart.

Speaker 90 Everyone,

Speaker 88 Sean Stewart.

Speaker 127 Woo! Howdy, y'all.

Speaker 40 I love dogs.

Speaker 24 I love them.

Speaker 24 Can you guys tell I'm Cuban?

Speaker 162 Hold on.

Speaker 5 How about now?

Speaker 165 All right, Miami just showed up.

Speaker 165 It's a hand-me-down.

Speaker 165 When everybody finds out I'm Cuban, they always ask me one thing. They're like, hey, can you get me some Cuban cigars?

Speaker 127 No,

Speaker 165 I don't even speak Spanish. So now, when they ask me that, I just whip my dick out.

Speaker 165 I'm like, you can smoke this.

Speaker 19 And they're always disappointed.

Speaker 165 They're expecting a BCC,

Speaker 165 a big Cuban cigar.

Speaker 165 I whip out a swisher sweet.

Speaker 165 Doesn't even last as long as Swisher. How do you measure your penis in seconds, inches, or strokes?

Speaker 127 Thank you.

Speaker 167 Sean Stewart, Jimmy, what are your thoughts here?

Speaker 85 My, well, if you want to get your dick sucked, I think we get the last guy back.

Speaker 113 There's no doubt about it.

Speaker 89 That Pakistani cowboy will suck you right back in the fucking Cuba, my friend.

Speaker 130 He'll teleport you.

Speaker 111 I saw that.

Speaker 88 He's a self-lubricating gay cowboy.

Speaker 53 I mean, he stays wet most men don't get wet that guy dripping right now

Speaker 125 dripping no solomon he's a nice guy he's a nice guy you a weird guy though yep well let's get to you yeah very smart very smart the opening line i love dogs and then it all went downhill from there

Speaker 145 I thought it went all right.

Speaker 117 Oh, okay.

Speaker 49 I can't imagine how it must normally go for you to think that was all right.

Speaker 87 No, it it was okay. Are you just hating?

Speaker 23 No, okay. That's good.

Speaker 54 Yes, argue with the person that's been doing this 780 times. That's great.

Speaker 89 I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Speaker 55 I love it.

Speaker 35 You're wearing the pants that the last guy should have been wearing.

Speaker 130 Those are very loose-fitting.

Speaker 136 An interesting type of cargo pant.

Speaker 156 I do believe they're on backwards.

Speaker 46 Right.

Speaker 165 Every time I've been on, you've made fun of my outfit, so I tried to dress up a little nicer tonight.

Speaker 111 That's the upgrade.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Wow.

Speaker 165 I was in sweatpants last time.

Speaker 23 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 165 Yeah, you told me to go to bed.

Speaker 79 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 106 And here you are.

Speaker 88 So, this is an upgrade from last time.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Do you keep anything in those absolutely stupid pockets?

Speaker 165 I keep a Zen pouch. I'm trying to quit vaping.

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 165 I've quit drinking this year, actually, too.

Speaker 91 What made you quit drinking?

Speaker 32 I shit white.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 111 Say that again?

Speaker 165 I shit white one day.

Speaker 156 You shit white?

Speaker 130 Yeah.

Speaker 47 White poop came out of your butt?

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 130 Tell us more.

Speaker 5 I've never heard of this.

Speaker 45 I've been alive for 40 years.

Speaker 97 I've never heard of white poop before.

Speaker 165 It was actually at the Kill Tony Arena in the HEB.

Speaker 165 I went there and I was drinking with all my buddies and I got some tall boys on the way home and I drank those two tall boys. I woke up in the morning and I had to shit.
And

Speaker 165 I looked in the toilet after and it was like grayish white and I was like, oh, that's not good.

Speaker 148 Jimmy Carr, let's check in here.

Speaker 37 Um

Speaker 85 can I ask, you said you were Cuban, yes? Yeah. Are you, and I'm just checking here, are

Speaker 85 you the ghost of a Cuban boy?

Speaker 165 I might be. Uh I don't look at Cuban at all.
And so I think uh I'm if people call me a fake Cuban actually, so.

Speaker 85 You just you look very very pale and then you're shitting white.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Can I just check? Can everyone else see him?

Speaker 85 Okay, he's not a dead boy.

Speaker 50 It is absolutely frightening to think that you shit white.

Speaker 9 So you just happen to glance at the toilet.

Speaker 94 You always look at your poop before you flush it?

Speaker 165 I try to make sure it's healthy looking.

Speaker 81 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 153 And this time you must have.

Speaker 165 Yeah, I looked it up. It said liver issues.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 165 Well, I do hard drugs, though, instead, no.

Speaker 130 Okay.

Speaker 165 Yeah, I still consider myself sober. Like, I did Molly on Saturday.
Sorry, mom.

Speaker 125 All right. Okay,

Speaker 87 let's go just a little bit slower here.

Speaker 167 Apologizing to your mother and confessing every drug you've done since New Year's Eve.

Speaker 148 So, did you go see a doctor after you shit white?

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 148 And what exactly did the doctor tell you?

Speaker 165 I got my blood work done, and they said they weren't worried about it.

Speaker 117 Did you pay the doctor after this?

Speaker 169 I think my insurance did.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 85 You didn't do a minute of stand-up for the doctor, did you?

Speaker 85 Because that could explain the not caring.

Speaker 165 No, she actually referred me to a therapist.

Speaker 23 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 53 Okay, we're learning a lot here.

Speaker 23 What kind of therapy?

Speaker 165 Not ketamine.

Speaker 41 What?

Speaker 165 The normal therapy. And I was like, that's the only other therapy I know of, is normal therapy and ketamine.

Speaker 5 Okay, wow, you go to your brain.

Speaker 165 I've never been to ketamine therapy, though.

Speaker 41 Okay, no one asks you that.

Speaker 71 So, okay.

Speaker 79 All right. What do you do for work?

Speaker 165 I work at

Speaker 165 a phone company that

Speaker 165 I hate.

Speaker 36 All right.

Speaker 88 I'm sure they feel the same way about you.

Speaker 88 What do you do for fun now, Sean, other than hard drugs?

Speaker 165 I do photography a bit.

Speaker 58 You're out there taking pictures.

Speaker 138 What are you taking pictures of exactly?

Speaker 65 Did you happen to take a picture of your white shit?

Speaker 165 No, no, I did not.

Speaker 60 Lost opportunity there.

Speaker 165 I took a picture of that big fat rapper guy, Dave Blunt. Okay.
Yeah, I was at his concert recently.

Speaker 165 He's hard to get a good picture of because it was unflattering everything I took.

Speaker 87 Yeah, he's a big boy.

Speaker 9 What's your love life like, Sean?

Speaker 107 You seem like you couldn't please a woman.

Speaker 165 I've never had a bad review, but

Speaker 165 I'm on a bit of a hiatus. I'm trying to get into like a real relationship again.

Speaker 165 Okay.

Speaker 92 Why? What makes you want to be in a real relationship right now?

Speaker 165 I'm past the hookup phase of my life, I think. You know, I've done all that and now trying to get into something meaningful again.

Speaker 165 Or not really trying to. I'm kind of focused more on doing this shit, sadly.

Speaker 31 Have you ever come and

Speaker 130 it comes out purple or anything like that?

Speaker 60 No.

Speaker 90 I'm so interested by your white shit.

Speaker 136 I'm wondering what other kind of Crayola bodily functions you have.

Speaker 41 No,

Speaker 165 it's cloudy sometimes, I guess.

Speaker 7 That makes sense.

Speaker 88 One guy is vomiting in the back.

Speaker 130 Texans don't appreciate talking about the color of people's cum.

Speaker 165 It's never been bloody or anything. That's what would concern me.

Speaker 90 Anything crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

Speaker 165 I got catfished by a girl with cerebral palsy once. Whoa.

Speaker 50 Let me guess.

Speaker 54 She showed up and she didn't have cerebral palsy and you were disappointed?

Speaker 31 You seem like the kind of guy that would be into that. You know what I mean?

Speaker 165 She wouldn't talk to me on the phone before we went on the date and then she couldn't find the place on the date. And so then she finally called me and she was like, hello?

Speaker 5 And I was like, oh, shit.

Speaker 127 Oh.

Speaker 165 And she was walking with like a limp. And I was like, Oh, like, are you sure? Are you good to go on a walk? She's like, Yeah, I have CP.
And I didn't know that meant cerebral palsy.

Speaker 165 I thought she meant she had child porn.

Speaker 46 I was like, That's kind of fucked up.

Speaker 89 Or perhaps you guys had something in common and she had colorless poop.

Speaker 19 Ah,

Speaker 140 a CP.

Speaker 123 Tony Hinchless, everyone.

Speaker 44 A colorless poop joke.

Speaker 141 Where's Miami?

Speaker 80 All right.

Speaker 165 I hope she has insurance.

Speaker 81 There you go.

Speaker 84 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 85 What did you do to her?

Speaker 165 Oh, she got white poop, too.

Speaker 94 I don't know. Did you end up hooking up with her?

Speaker 127 No, no. Why?

Speaker 165 That would have felt wrong.

Speaker 115 Really? Why?

Speaker 165 I don't know.

Speaker 165 I feel mean just talking about this right now.

Speaker 165 It would feel like taking advantage of a special needs person. I don't know.

Speaker 89 You think you were taking advantage of her?

Speaker 5 No, it was just...

Speaker 58 Do you have any idea how you come across to the public?

Speaker 19 How?

Speaker 86 You got a little joke book last time?

Speaker 49 I've gotten a big one, actually.

Speaker 101 All right, well, there you go.

Speaker 74 Go fill it up. There you go.

Speaker 91 Sean Stewart, everybody.

Speaker 43 We're going to keep it moving. Keeping it moving.

Speaker 166 Sean Stewart.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 171 There she is.

Speaker 119 The lovely Heidi has joined the party, ladies and gentlemen. Every single week.
Unbelievable.

Speaker 127 All right.

Speaker 170 Your next bucket pull's been on the show a couple times. Kind of a legend around these parts.

Speaker 119 Hopefully this is a new strong minute from Juanita, everybody. Juanita.

Speaker 15 I was watching the movie The Beauty and the Beast recently.

Speaker 155 There's a scene in that movie where They're about to fuck.

Speaker 15 Like, and I'm not talking about the little gay guy he turns into. Not that faggot.

Speaker 85 I didn't say I'd have penis.

Speaker 27 She wants to fuck the beast.

Speaker 15 It doesn't happen in the movie because the teapot won't leave.

Speaker 15 Teapot stares at them like a fat friend in middle school. And then she starts singing all creepy.
Tail as old as time.

Speaker 144 True, is it?

Speaker 40 I'm trying to fuck my dog, dude.

Speaker 133 Did you watch him lap up the soup?

Speaker 15 That could be my pussy right now.

Speaker 15 I have a full Sargento string cheese in my twat for Beethoven.

Speaker 71 Get the fuck out!

Speaker 111 Wow.

Speaker 100 That's basically three sets in a row.

Speaker 104 I have no idea what the fuck people are talking about.

Speaker 41 Somehow, Martin Phillips with full-blown, shaky, wobbly cerebral palsy is the best annunciator that we've had on this show yet.

Speaker 41 Incredible.

Speaker 57 Juanita, welcome back.

Speaker 79 Thank you.

Speaker 169 It's really interesting.

Speaker 115 I don't really, were you talking about, what were you talking about?

Speaker 15 The beauty and the beast. There's like a scene where like she's like with the beast, they're getting close.
But they don't fuck because the teapot won't leave. She just stares at them.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 56 I'm guessing you're rooting for the beast in that movie, yeah.

Speaker 5 I'm a little

Speaker 15 jealous,

Speaker 5 Juanita.

Speaker 18 Welcome back to the show.

Speaker 65 I'm loving watching Jimmy try to analyze what the fuck is going on right now.

Speaker 97 He's playing it cool, he's playing it real cool.

Speaker 5 Tell me everything.

Speaker 85 Have there been any changes recently?

Speaker 15 Not much. Not much.

Speaker 136 Tell us about you, Juanita.

Speaker 156 Where are you in your stuff?

Speaker 15 In my comedy?

Speaker 85 Let's leave that to one side.

Speaker 79 How are things downstairs?

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 5 exactly the same.

Speaker 5 Red band.

Speaker 15 Exactly the same.

Speaker 15 I've actually never done anything surgically or hormonally or anything.

Speaker 122 Okay.

Speaker 50 There's always been this.

Speaker 159 All naturale.

Speaker 127 Yeah. I like it.

Speaker 102 I like it.

Speaker 7 Tell us what it's like being trans in Texas, Juanita.

Speaker 105 What is it like?

Speaker 16 That's fun.

Speaker 117 Your voice got a little deeper there.

Speaker 134 I don't know if you noticed that.

Speaker 15 It was fun. I'm in Austin now, so like people don't really mind that here.

Speaker 16 You're kind of like,

Speaker 15 I get a little nervous and then I see like purple hair and I'm like, oh, that's fine.

Speaker 23 You're good.

Speaker 15 In San Antonio, I was like, sometimes people would get mad.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 89 What's that? Like, what do they say?

Speaker 5 How do you know they get mad?

Speaker 15 When I managed a restaurant, sometimes they'd be like,

Speaker 19 sir, and like, oh,

Speaker 144 I'm a lady.

Speaker 16 Like, there's something fucking wrong with you.

Speaker 15 Do you want your pizza now?

Speaker 85 I did want my pizza.

Speaker 86 So you worked at a pizza joint?

Speaker 15 Yeah, I managed a Grimaldi's like a couple of years ago in San Antonio.

Speaker 127 Okay.

Speaker 93 And there you put

Speaker 27 the sausage on the...

Speaker 35 How would it work?

Speaker 105 What's a trans pizza like these?

Speaker 15 Sausage and sauce.

Speaker 65 Got it.

Speaker 88 What's dating in Austin like for you, Juanita?

Speaker 56 What exactly are you into?

Speaker 16 I'm into big tall white dudes.

Speaker 145 Hello, fellas. I'm single.

Speaker 127 Yeah, that guy.

Speaker 49 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 113 This dude just accidentally got excited and raised his hand.

Speaker 43 He's like, fuck yeah.

Speaker 79 And then he's like, oh, shit.

Speaker 49 Forgot there. Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 136 You're going to get butt fucked tonight, bro.

Speaker 140 I love it.

Speaker 15 No,

Speaker 15 you know what's been funny, though?

Speaker 15 Recently, since like the show, I've gotten like chuckle fuckers. That's fun.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 85 You're going to have to explain chuckle fuckers tonight.

Speaker 126 Oh!

Speaker 15 Chuckle fucker is somebody that either sees you do stand-up or like watches you on a show and then they want to fuck you.

Speaker 127 Yeah, right.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 53 So explain to us, they're like sliding into your DMs.

Speaker 15 No, I was actually in line for Kill Tony like a couple weeks ago, and there was like an Australian dude, and he was like hot. And then, like,

Speaker 15 I was like, oh, what's your name?

Speaker 127 And he was like, I'm Al Khan.

Speaker 5 And I was like, I'm Juanita.

Speaker 15 And he goes, I know who you are. I watch the show.

Speaker 15 And then he bought me like 37 vodka sodas.

Speaker 104 Wow.

Speaker 51 Did you put your shrimp on his Barbie?

Speaker 15 I accidentally had sex with him.

Speaker 5 You did? Yeah.

Speaker 111 I loved that.

Speaker 15 Yeah, no, no, but I was so drunk that I fell asleep. So I was like in the hotel bed and I was like wasted.
So I passed out and he was like, Do you want to do this or not? And I was like, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 15 This never happens. I have whiskey hole.

Speaker 61 Whiskey hole.

Speaker 78 Now,

Speaker 126 well,

Speaker 85 That's no good I can't unhear that

Speaker 85 I think the Australian accent might be better

Speaker 85 I think maybe stick to that Okay

Speaker 85 go Aussie the whole time suits I should do that.

Speaker 125 Yeah, I will

Speaker 57 a whiskey hole that is the first we've ever heard of that

Speaker 15 it's like whiskey dick but for ladies.

Speaker 85 Yeah, I think maybe the term.

Speaker 137 Yeah. Yeah, let's go with that.
Yeah.

Speaker 38 Yeah, let's go with that.

Speaker 85 Let's go with that.

Speaker 85 When you've fucked a few pre-op transsexuals, you realize these guns are full of shit.

Speaker 130 I've got whiskey hole.

Speaker 85 Whiskey hole might be the line of the night.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 77 A little crack Daniels, if you will.

Speaker 102 A little.

Speaker 102 Yeah, oh, wow.

Speaker 103 So, you woke up, and then the Australian and you had sex.

Speaker 41 Yeah,

Speaker 127 I did that.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 15 I don't remember much of it because they like...

Speaker 23 What's crazy is it seems like you're the one with regrets.

Speaker 15 I know!

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah, I know.

Speaker 17 He was really hot.

Speaker 15 And then he asked me to pee on him, and I didn't.

Speaker 2 You did not?

Speaker 15 I didn't pee on him, and he was so hot, I was like, I'm behaving like I'm not fat right now. Like, I should have totally peed on that guy.
He was super hot in Australia.

Speaker 31 It's interesting that you have limitations.

Speaker 144 I know.

Speaker 85 How anybody understand the

Speaker 85 fact that you should have peed on him because you're fat.

Speaker 15 You're just out of my league. He was super hot, so I should have peed on him.

Speaker 12 Oh, he was super hot.

Speaker 100 I love it when your voice accidentally goes low, and I love that we can laugh about it.

Speaker 99 Normally, you people do not have a good sense of humor. You really stand out.

Speaker 85 You say he was out of your league, but he clearly liked you, right? He was into it.

Speaker 15 It's true, yeah, he did. He did.

Speaker 85 Well, then, maybe he's in your league.

Speaker 110 He should have.

Speaker 85 I don't want to sound like an old-fashioned absolutely.

Speaker 82 Thank you, Jimmy Cliston.

Speaker 85 Listen, there's a lot of jokes in this show, but this is from the heart.

Speaker 85 I think you should have pissed on that guy.

Speaker 43 Yeah, I mean that.

Speaker 46 Oh,

Speaker 166 Todiak,

Speaker 137 I said I wasn't going to cry.

Speaker 45 I said I wasn't gonna cry

Speaker 15 El Con, I'm gonna pee on you

Speaker 79 Jesus, what was that?

Speaker 79 That was his name

Speaker 85 Well, this is the worst Hallmark movie pitch ever

Speaker 85 Okay, so here's the movie.

Speaker 137 It's a it's an Aussie guy and a tranny lady pisses on him. It's gonna be

Speaker 85 it's gonna be it's a cartoon. It's for Disney.

Speaker 53 It's called, there's something down under.

Speaker 49 What happens when a man

Speaker 61 who's pissed off wants to be pissed on?

Speaker 85 You'll be rooting for the beast.

Speaker 111 Oh,

Speaker 26 that's Tom Segura after breaking his arm, by the way, if you're wondering what that noise is.

Speaker 156 I know it sounds like gay sex, but it's Tom Segura after breaking his arm playing basketball.

Speaker 90 Wow, Juanita, always an amazing interview with you.

Speaker 43 You are such a fucking

Speaker 43 such an exception. There is a huge stereotype that trans people don't have good sense of humors.

Speaker 23 That is a thing.

Speaker 173 And you are the exception to that rule, without a doubt, Jimmy.

Speaker 85 Can I say the interview was so good? The material, the minute or whatever, just get up and talk about yourself and your life.

Speaker 125 That's what you need to do.

Speaker 85 You're great.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I appreciate it.

Speaker 43 Absolutely. I agree with Jimmy 100%.
And it's always that way.

Speaker 50 And you'll get better at doing comedy that way if you do it at these open mics and everything around here.

Speaker 162 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah, my alternative minute.

Speaker 15 I should have just done that one. It was about me.

Speaker 127 Yeah. That's funny.

Speaker 107 And, you know, there's...

Speaker 47 there's this also a stereotype that women aren't funny and I gotta tell you you are the exception to that rule too

Speaker 174 Juanita you already have a big joke book I filled it up you filled it up well just like you did with the Australian

Speaker 43 I'll tell you what, you're getting another one right here. There you go, Juanita, ladies and gentlemen.
Who is standing up from some white boys out here?

Speaker 43 Let's be Australians.

Speaker 41 Yeah, there they are.

Speaker 31 This party's wild.

Speaker 148 It's weird.

Speaker 85 Girls aren't normally that good at catching stuff.

Speaker 87 That's true.

Speaker 105 She's good at catching that, and I'm sure that's not the only thing she's caught before.

Speaker 79 Your pickle hole? What was the?

Speaker 39 What?

Speaker 117 Whiskey hole.

Speaker 102 Pickle hole.

Speaker 5 You're thinking of a whole different thing.

Speaker 53 You're thinking of your little pickle over there, huh?

Speaker 137 Not tonight, love.

Speaker 155 I got whiskey hole.

Speaker 127 Oh, no, I'd love to.

Speaker 114 I've got to spotted the old whiskey hole.

Speaker 20 I can't.

Speaker 21 I'm all dried up back there.

Speaker 130 Holy shit.

Speaker 167 This really is the best show in all of comedy.

Speaker 105 It's amazing.

Speaker 167 I got to say.

Speaker 43 Sometimes I sit back and I'm just a fan.

Speaker 148 I'm just a fan.

Speaker 84 This is Joe Button. You and I make decisions every day.
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Speaker 28 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pulled.

Speaker 53 Looks like a new name.

Speaker 93 Make some noise for Blazing Nana, everybody.

Speaker 120 Blazing Nana.

Speaker 174 Well, hello, Austin. I am Blazing Nana.

Speaker 174 I really enjoy fucking

Speaker 174 smoking weed.

Speaker 176 Alcohol.

Speaker 174 Alcohol makes me hellamine and super dee duper horny I want to argue and fuck you come on

Speaker 174 and at my age for what hickeys headaches hangovers hemorrhoids multiple fat lips mostly north sometimes south

Speaker 174 speaking of fat lips ladies y'all need to stop wasting your best pussy years on bad sex that door's gonna close

Speaker 174 The one that opens is called menopause. This gash is coming for your youth.

Speaker 174 Gash is just an old timey word for c ⁇ .

Speaker 175 She wants

Speaker 174 your smooth skin.

Speaker 174 She wants your perky titties.

Speaker 174 And before you know it, you're W-A-P. Yeah, that bitch about to be D-R-Y.

Speaker 34 Oh, come on!

Speaker 80 Wow, blazing nana.

Speaker 27 Oh my goodness, there's so much going on here.

Speaker 159 I have so many questions, Jimmy.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 85 What, two trans women in a row?

Speaker 85 Right.

Speaker 160 I'm all woman, darling.

Speaker 160 All woman.

Speaker 5 All woman, huh?

Speaker 147 Yes.

Speaker 85 I think you may be too much woman.

Speaker 1 I think I am.

Speaker 174 Well, I can tell you that I used to weigh 444 pounds, and now I weigh 199 pounds.

Speaker 46 Wow, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 174 No surgery, no shots, no pills. I got a dog, and she runs me all over the place.
I never had a dog before.

Speaker 85 Did you steal it from a guy with terrible pills?

Speaker 174 I actually took it away from a homeless guy in Berkeley, California. Really? Yeah, I did.
I just moved here from East Oakland about a month ago. Nice.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 174 Okay. 5-1-0, baby.

Speaker 85 So, sorry, can you rewind to the bit where you stole a dog from a homeless man?

Speaker 174 He was feeding it french fries through a cage, and I said, what are you doing to that little tiny dog?

Speaker 40 Thank you, Red Pan.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, that's you. Sorry.

Speaker 174 A little tiny dog, feeding it french fries. And I said, what are you doing to that dog? And he said, well,

Speaker 174 my friend asked me to keep it for a while, and he'd be back. He's been gone three days.
So we bought the dog.

Speaker 65 That guy who was told by his friend to watch the dog sold it to you?

Speaker 98 How much did he sell it for?

Speaker 174 I paid $125.

Speaker 174 It was my birthday. It was my birthday present to myself.

Speaker 85 That's actually how... Stealing the dog.

Speaker 85 That's actually how I got my kids.

Speaker 85 It's a similar story. Oh, did you...

Speaker 174 $125? That's a good deal on kids.

Speaker 88 Okay, stick with me here, Blazing Nana.

Speaker 59 $125 for basically stealing someone else's dog.

Speaker 18 I find that to be an odd number.

Speaker 91 Did the negotiations start at 100 and the homeless guy said 125?

Speaker 174 No, it was my birthday, and that's all the money that I had collected for my birthday that day. And I said, I have 125 on me.
He said, I'll take it.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 85 Collected for her birthday?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 94 What exactly do you mean by collected for your birthday?

Speaker 158 Who's giving you this?

Speaker 174 You're from Cleveland, Ohio, and when it's your birthday in Cleveland, we put a pin on you like this. People tape or stick dollars and $5.
They pin it. I'm from the hood in Cleveland.

Speaker 174 We get birthday money and I was walking around Hayward, California, higher than two people should be. And I was like, they say, what's that for? And I'd explain it.

Speaker 174 So by the end of the night, I had $125.

Speaker 174 Me and my friend took the BART to Berkeley.

Speaker 85 There's actually a name for that where I'm from. That's called begging.

Speaker 87 Blazing Nana.

Speaker 18 So you just moved here from Oakland.

Speaker 159 Yes.

Speaker 47 Now, when someone like you moves to Texas from Oakland, do you put

Speaker 117 your trailer?

Speaker 47 Do you like sit in it while they're driving the trainer?

Speaker 148 You have trailer energies.

Speaker 91 Am I correct?

Speaker 166 Do you live in a trailer?

Speaker 174 I am a half-baked hillbilly. Yeah, my mom's family's from West By God, Virginia, and my daddy's a Tennessee stump jumper from Tennessee.

Speaker 100 So this is a long way to get to yes.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 53 You live in a trailer?

Speaker 174 No, I don't. I live in a 55-plus community for old folks.

Speaker 101 Oh, nice.

Speaker 97 Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Speaker 174 They're quiet neighbors, quiet neighbors.

Speaker 85 I hate to be a tourist, but I don't know what a stump jumper is.

Speaker 174 Oh, that's just a little hillbilly that screws anything that wiggles. It's a nice word for a whore.
My daddy had so many children. I have sisters and brothers that I don't even know their last names.

Speaker 174 found them on Facebook, a couple of them.

Speaker 85 I thought it was going to be something to do with horse racing.

Speaker 174 No, that's a Tennessee Walker, love. That's a Tennessee Walker.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 144 Pleasing anana.

Speaker 174 Don't you want to see what's in my little. I wore this just for you.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 45 Let's do it.

Speaker 113 Let's see what's in that fanny pack.

Speaker 174 Breath mints, because fresh breath needs to be a priority in your life.

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 174 This is magic mushrooms. You didn't see those.

Speaker 130 Okay.

Speaker 66 She's got mushrooms.

Speaker 66 Wait,

Speaker 85 I thought it was going to be a C-section scar.

Speaker 49 I got a Baypend.

Speaker 174 I got one better for you than a C-section scar. I don't even have a belly button.
These are my keys.

Speaker 136 Okay. There's no keys on your keys.

Speaker 49 Oh, they're inside.

Speaker 147 Oh, okay. You don't need to pull them out.
It's up.

Speaker 85 Why are we going through Nana's bag?

Speaker 174 Because it's a thing we do. These are tweezers.

Speaker 134 It's a thing we do.

Speaker 140 Like, she's a regular on the show.

Speaker 2 These are tweezers.

Speaker 174 Fucking chin hairs, because you never know.

Speaker 36 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 I'm an old lady.

Speaker 130 You are something else.

Speaker 174 I have a rock for Cam that's really cool. I liked how it felt.
I got it for him just in case.

Speaker 90 Cam's under the weather tonight. He's not going to be here.

Speaker 174 Oh, gas X. You're welcome.
All the Gas X that's in there.

Speaker 45 Okay, you have a lot of gas?

Speaker 174 No, but just I had pizza. Oh, this is a joint holder.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 174 With my

Speaker 174 Ohio State University Buckeye ID. I can still get French.

Speaker 41 Wow.

Speaker 5 Amazing.

Speaker 97 That is true. You're reigning

Speaker 52 defending national champions the

Speaker 31 Ohio State University, everybody.

Speaker 97 You're just going to have to learn to love it.

Speaker 113 Yeah, there's a playoff now.

Speaker 54 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 174 I got one that'll win him over. My NRA card.

Speaker 41 Wow.

Speaker 96 My God, you are an all-American fucking little whipper snapper.

Speaker 117 Look at you.

Speaker 65 Have you ever done crystal meth before? No.

Speaker 86 Now, what's the craziest thing you have done?

Speaker 174 Oh my gosh, the craziest, I have so many things.

Speaker 174 In 1983, I married my stepdad's cousin.

Speaker 5 That would be your cousin by law. We're getting word.

Speaker 53 I'm getting word in my ear that that is indeed your cousin.

Speaker 111 Calling it your stepdad's cousin does not make it your cousin.

Speaker 138 That is your cousin through marriage.

Speaker 174 We're second cousins by marriage. My kids are my third cousins by marriage.

Speaker 174 I got grand cousins.

Speaker 100 I can literally see Jimmy booking a flight to England in his head right now.

Speaker 23 Get the fuck away back away.

Speaker 50 This is just as scary as it gets.

Speaker 85 It just sounds, it's just the gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Speaker 111 Somebody pissed in that teapot.

Speaker 85 It's a

Speaker 85 no offense to you. You seem like a lovely lady, but

Speaker 85 a family tree like a fucking broom hammer.

Speaker 174 Oh, our family.

Speaker 174 Our family tree doesn't fork. It's a ladder, a stepladder.

Speaker 5 Wow, nothing you really say makes sense.

Speaker 10 Blazing Nana, how have you made money your whole life?

Speaker 174 Well, I'm retired right now.

Speaker 174 I hate to sound like a soft story, but I have a traumatic brain injury, believe it or not.

Speaker 5 Probably,

Speaker 174 doesn't it?

Speaker 88 What's the brain injury from?

Speaker 174 I had a man tell me that he loved me and decided to beat me up and knock knock my teeth out and break my jaw and crush my cheek and

Speaker 139 put some beautiful scars all over my face.

Speaker 95 Terrible. Yeah.

Speaker 79 Red band.

Speaker 111 But.

Speaker 141 Yeah, what was that?

Speaker 23 Was that a baseball bat?

Speaker 41 Oh, my God.

Speaker 12 Red bread.

Speaker 155 Oh, red band. Don't.

Speaker 18 Don't.

Speaker 49 Red band.

Speaker 126 Can I ask

Speaker 85 I don't want to make light of domestic violence. It's a very serious thing that affects a lot of people.
But can I ask, when this incident happened, were you significantly heavier at the time?

Speaker 174 Yeah, I was large.

Speaker 79 444 pounds. 444 pounds.

Speaker 13 And he did.

Speaker 174 Yeah, he tripped me, bastard, and he broke my jaw and everything. So I couldn't get the...
He had the hit on me first. I am from Cleveland, West Side.
I know how to fight.

Speaker 147 Same.

Speaker 1 But he got the jump on me, yeah.

Speaker 5 444 pounds.

Speaker 99 I was a little slow.

Speaker 174 I was a little slow that big.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 79 444.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 174 People go, why don't you say 450? Because I fucking didn't get to 450. I got to 444.
Right.

Speaker 82 That's right. You know what I mean?

Speaker 60 That's right.

Speaker 174 But I really do not have a belly button. I had nine pounds of skin removed for my abdomen, and they couldn't say my belly button, so i really don't have a belly button

Speaker 43 i think

Speaker 85 i've got bad news tony

Speaker 130 i've got terrible moods

Speaker 44 and they're i've just

Speaker 85 you've just given me whiskey hole

Speaker 85 Incredible.

Speaker 104 Oh,

Speaker 104 my God.

Speaker 81 Oh,

Speaker 104 my God.

Speaker 79 That is the first time in this show's history that someone hasn't had a belly button.

Speaker 130 Incredible blazing, Nana.

Speaker 95 You really are blazing.

Speaker 50 A new trail.

Speaker 174 A new trail.

Speaker 95 You are unbelievable.

Speaker 23 All right.

Speaker 139 Well,

Speaker 104 I mean, absolutely incredible.

Speaker 103 This is your first time on this show, right?

Speaker 158 Very first time, yeah.

Speaker 88 You get a little joke book to put in that fanny pack, Blazing Nana.

Speaker 149 You're welcome.

Speaker 136 One more time for Blazing Nana, everybody.

Speaker 41 How fun.

Speaker 85 This is a hell of a show.

Speaker 74 Oh, isn't it great?

Speaker 104 Heidi bringing us all back to normal levels of testosterone in the room.

Speaker 99 After

Speaker 93 a trans woman and whatever the fuck blazing Nana was went back to back.

Speaker 42 Back to back.

Speaker 113 What could happen next?

Speaker 48 Make some noise for your next comedian, JJ Curry, everybody.

Speaker 84 JJ Curry.

Speaker 115 What up, though?

Speaker 177 I like to give the crowd information about me so that we feel comfortable with each other.

Speaker 177 Like, I know you guys can't tell, but I'm Ashley Ann one eighth,

Speaker 148 Caucasian.

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 108 Uh-huh.

Speaker 177 I really am one eighth, though, that my grandfather is mitts. That's half.
You break a half down, that's a quarter.

Speaker 177 And if you break a quarter down, that's an eighth. That's me.

Speaker 161 Now, I don't know how mathematically correct that is,

Speaker 161 but my cousin used to sell weed, and

Speaker 120 that's how he taught me fractions.

Speaker 160 So,

Speaker 16 I'm really like 3.5 grams

Speaker 148 of Caucasian.

Speaker 161 I'm $40 white.

Speaker 126 Wow, what a set.

Speaker 43 Exactly 60 seconds.

Speaker 46 Unbelievable.

Speaker 43 Welcome, JJ Curry.

Speaker 86 Wow, how long you been doing stand-up, JJ?

Speaker 104 12 years.

Speaker 97 12 years?

Speaker 54 Well, that's about an eighth of a century, right?

Speaker 17 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 117 Wow, 12 years. Jimmy, what do you think?

Speaker 85 I think he could eat an apple through a wire fence.

Speaker 113 That is a hell of a set of teeth you have there, my friend JJ.

Speaker 100 It is the standout thing about you.

Speaker 114 It is absolutely...

Speaker 85 I would love to chat longer, but you probably got to stop brushing them soon.

Speaker 161 It's coming from British people.

Speaker 12 That's wild.

Speaker 111 What's that?

Speaker 161 No, it's coming from a British man.

Speaker 12 That's wild.

Speaker 102 It is true.

Speaker 141 The rare exception to British people have bad teeth.

Speaker 50 You're getting roasted for,

Speaker 54 that's like you making fun of him for being such a good basketball player.

Speaker 154 JJ, what do you do for work with a set of teeth like that?

Speaker 177 I'm actually, it's military, so I get like a 90% disabled, so I get that monthly.

Speaker 143 So I've been doing that.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 24 So I've been only doing comedies in 2019.

Speaker 85 Well, thank you for your service. Can I ask, the disability didn't involve losing your belly button, did it?

Speaker 114 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 177 It's a lung disease. I have a lung disease.

Speaker 143 Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Speaker 177 It's all good. I only do edibles now.

Speaker 61 Okay. Awesome.

Speaker 53 And you got the lung disease from like burning garbage out in the...

Speaker 49 No, it's a long story.

Speaker 177 Basically, they gave me a bunch of shots and was like, no.

Speaker 101 Oh,

Speaker 101 I don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 79 Like vaccines.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 23 Yeah. There you go.

Speaker 5 So that's what happens.

Speaker 107 We find out a lot about that on this real show with real people.

Speaker 5 You find out a lot about that in real life.

Speaker 127 Yeah, no, it's fine.

Speaker 107 You can talk about it here.

Speaker 106 The club is owned by Joe Rogan.

Speaker 43 Vaccine injuries are

Speaker 167 appreciated here.

Speaker 104 It's a real thing that really exists in real life.

Speaker 92 You don't see that on other mainstream networks.

Speaker 5 You can only find that here on YouTube.

Speaker 27 So right after you got that shot, did you notice something?

Speaker 177 I basically went to the hospital on a Sunday, and then I left like a week before my birthday.

Speaker 178 And what branch Air Force.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 90 I was gonna ask, what branch do you hang off of sometimes with one arm?

Speaker 102 Oh, come on. What are you gonna grow?

Speaker 43 What do you wanna go?

Speaker 126 What show do you think this is?

Speaker 49 Jimmy blocking his face with his glass so that he can keep on.

Speaker 44 Rice, Tony.

Speaker 79 Jesus.

Speaker 85 You're only just back from the Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 85 See, sense, man.

Speaker 133 It's a great set.

Speaker 85 So, what do you work out of?

Speaker 44 Say your name? Well, you work out of here?

Speaker 24 I just moved here in October.

Speaker 90 Very nice. Where'd you move from?

Speaker 177 Tampa, Florida.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 54 Yep, that makes sense. And you don't do anything for extra income just out of curiosity?

Speaker 177 I mean, every once in a while, I probably like Uber and stuff like that.

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 101 Very cool. Very cool.

Speaker 65 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 98 What does JJ Curry do for fun?

Speaker 30 Shit, nothing really.

Speaker 23 Be miserable.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 106 With teeth like that.

Speaker 59 With teeth like that, I'm guessing eating pussy is impossible.

Speaker 61 No.

Speaker 161 Opposite.

Speaker 177 It's very much an isolation thing. I can put the click in.

Speaker 58 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 117 Put the click in. Yeah.

Speaker 131 The click?

Speaker 141 He puts the click in.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 172 He knows where the click is.

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 126 Thank you.

Speaker 78 Thank you.

Speaker 126 Thank you.

Speaker 5 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 85 That is a lot of trust a woman is putting in you.

Speaker 177 Big lips, soft seats. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 10 Big lips, soft what?

Speaker 121 Seats.

Speaker 11 Seats. Yeah.

Speaker 23 For the click.

Speaker 116 You put the click there.

Speaker 53 Amazing, JJ.

Speaker 94 What's your favorite type of woman?

Speaker 51 What does your dream girl look like to you?

Speaker 177 I learned fuck with Asians hard.

Speaker 144 Asian? Oh my goodness.

Speaker 149 This is Red Band's territory.

Speaker 100 Red Band is our senior Asian correspondent.

Speaker 166 Perhaps you could show him how to find the click

Speaker 134 before you leave here.

Speaker 10 And you've been with an Asian before? Yeah.

Speaker 104 Wow, look at the yes on that.

Speaker 59 That's like a guy that has his own goddamn yakuza waiting for him back at home.

Speaker 77 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 86 And have you been with an Asian since you moved to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 56 No, no, no. So you haven't been with an Asian Texan yet?

Speaker 127 Wow.

Speaker 90 Where do you find these Asians that you tend to?

Speaker 177 I was in Florida for a while and I was stationed in the military, so that was really easy to do.

Speaker 143 Filipinos, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 36 Right.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 156 You just put on your camouflage and hide in a bush.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 79 it's just

Speaker 49 like, you got a green card. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Absolutely.

Speaker 177 do you do for fun what else do you do for fun jj uh i mean i what i'm a big movie person i like watching movies um go to the gym of course hell yeah and then you know i like walks and stuff like to be outdoor when you say walks that's w-o-k-s to get asian women walks and shit i love it very good you really do love the asians that is one of their favorite things to cook in

Speaker 141 is a walk now what's amazing about you know, I never know, Bones Eye, the great Adrian Cabazzos, always has a different setup of books every single week.

Speaker 169 And this one is extra interesting tonight.

Speaker 47 There's four big joke books, and one just so happens to be absolutely jet black.

Speaker 114 And it just seems to me only fitting, JJ Curry, that you would get this one.

Speaker 171 It's a perfect fit.

Speaker 43 Jimmy?

Speaker 85 If there was any justice, it would be one-eighth white.

Speaker 134 The pages technically count.

Speaker 138 We're counting the pages here.

Speaker 114 It's a white set.

Speaker 147 Unbelievable.

Speaker 88 JJ, what's the longest set you've ever done before?

Speaker 177 45 minutes.

Speaker 163 45 minutes.

Speaker 91 I loved having you on the Secret Show, Thursday.

Speaker 43 You just got booked on a real show here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 43 There he goes.

Speaker 171 JJ

Speaker 170 Curry, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 96 And it goes on and on.

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Speaker 96 We're having fun in here tonight.

Speaker 90 What an episode so far.

Speaker 97 Your next comedian goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, everybody.

Speaker 91 Make some noise for Ronaldo, everyone.

Speaker 156 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 24 I'm going to have some fun. You guys think about killing yourself? Anybody?

Speaker 13 Okay, a couple honest people.

Speaker 24 That's cool. I think about it.
I think about it. I don't know.
I don't know if I'm going to do anything about it, but I think about it. I think about suicide like I think about home renovation.

Speaker 24 I'm going to do it eventually.

Speaker 24 But let's be honest. It would be a lot easier if I paid somebody to do it for me.

Speaker 24 Suicide's fun. Not fun.
Interesting. Suicide's interesting.
I was driving. How we try to prevent it is interesting.
I was driving over a bridge that was over this big old river.

Speaker 24 And right when you get halfway across the bridge, right in the middle of the bridge, they have a little sign with the number for the suicide hotline.

Speaker 24 Which seems like it's too late.

Speaker 24 You could have put it at the beginning of the bridge.

Speaker 24 In the middle, you might as well put the number at the bottom of the river and it would do the exact same thing.

Speaker 24 You could take a QR code for BetterHelp, put it on a bullet, put it in a gun, put it in your mouth, pull the trigger, it would do the same thing as that sign on that bridge.

Speaker 24 They're not doing it up. It's too late at that point.
That's like putting an ad for condoms in a delivery room.

Speaker 24 That's like putting an ad for birth control at the bottom of a flight of steps.

Speaker 43 Ronaldo Mercado.

Speaker 46 Great stuff. Unbelievable minute.

Speaker 38 Fantastic.

Speaker 88 Really good, Ronaldo. Thank you.

Speaker 85 Thank you.

Speaker 75 Great. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 24 It'll be seven years in July.

Speaker 27 Seven years in July.

Speaker 85 Christ, we're going to miss you.

Speaker 24 No, my dad is Mexican. My dad is, well, he's missing, but he is.

Speaker 24 He's old school. He wasn't kicked out of the country.
He went to buy cigarettes and never came back. Wow.
Yeah, he wasn't deported. He was new ported.

Speaker 144 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 21 Oh.

Speaker 126 Incredible. Yeah.

Speaker 126 It's good.

Speaker 124 Right.

Speaker 138 Amazing.

Speaker 57 That's two comedians in a row that had a black father. Incredible.

Speaker 7 Ronaldo.

Speaker 154 What do you do for work, Ronaldo?

Speaker 24 I supply molding to Home Depots around the area.

Speaker 89 You supply molding to Home Depot.

Speaker 24 I'm one of the ones on the inside. I'm good.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 85 Were you at any stage a bass player for the strokes?

Speaker 85 You have that kind of indie rock and roll look.

Speaker 69 There is a look to you.

Speaker 90 It's very, very rare amongst Latino people, I've noticed, but you have a look.

Speaker 88 Do you have a Latino barber?

Speaker 24 No, my girlfriend cut my hair.

Speaker 86 That's what it is.

Speaker 47 That's what it is.

Speaker 24 Which is one of the most Mexican things about me, by the way.

Speaker 85 I think she must really love you because she doesn't want other women to be with you.

Speaker 138 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 91 She's Mexican as well?

Speaker 161 No, no.

Speaker 56 She's a white girl? Yeah, she's white. Where'd you meet her at?

Speaker 24 We actually met. Well, we met for the first time.
We were in elementary school. But we started dating.

Speaker 17 What were you doing? Gardening?

Speaker 16 What were you doing?

Speaker 54 What were you saying there?

Speaker 94 You were in elementary school and then what?

Speaker 24 We started dating in high school. Senior year of high school, we started dating.

Speaker 74 And so

Speaker 54 how long has it been?

Speaker 24 Nine years.

Speaker 79 Wow.

Speaker 92 Amazing. What does she do?

Speaker 24 She cleans Airbnbs.

Speaker 114 Wow. Amazing.

Speaker 79 Okay, Ronaldo.

Speaker 88 And you live here in Austin?

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 101 For how long?

Speaker 24 It'll be a year next week, actually.

Speaker 117 And where'd you move from?

Speaker 24 St. Louis.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 92 So you and her were together. She moved down here, too.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 127 Okay.

Speaker 75 And what do you guys do for fun?

Speaker 24 We like to hang out. We play video games at home a little bit, you know, stuff like that.

Speaker 24 She comes out to the show sometimes, hangs out with me, you know, stuff like that.

Speaker 159 That's what we do for fun. Been with her for nine years.

Speaker 27 Do you have any secrets to satisfying a woman for nine years?

Speaker 173 How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Speaker 24 Guys, keep making them think they can touch your butthole, but don't let them do it.

Speaker 126 Whoa,

Speaker 44 just, you know what I mean?

Speaker 80 Just give them a little go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, go, you want this?

Speaker 33 No, yes.

Speaker 85 You know the best way to do that, of course. Tell them you have whiskey hole.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 136 Yeah, you missed a hell of a thing earlier, Ronaldo.

Speaker 24 I thought that was just some British shit.

Speaker 21 I didn't know that.

Speaker 85 Guys, great.

Speaker 126 Very funny, Ronaldo.

Speaker 126 This is incredible.

Speaker 111 How amazing.

Speaker 90 Wow, you're built for stand-up comedy, Ronaldo.

Speaker 24 Thanks. Actually, I was on this show almost seven years ago.

Speaker 12 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 90 When we were just visiting Austin or no, St.

Speaker 91 Louis?

Speaker 24 Yeah, you guys came through St. Louis, came to Helium Comedy Club.

Speaker 115 Wow.

Speaker 24 I was like nine months into comedy. I was 20 years old and like 60 pounds lighter.
It was nice.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 88 First person we've had up here all night that's gained weight in the last few years.

Speaker 20 Everyone else is like, I have 400 pounds up.

Speaker 79 I don't have a belly button no more.

Speaker 85 That is uncanny.

Speaker 59 Not really known for my impressions, but I do a hell of a blazing nana.

Speaker 124 Can I ask a question?

Speaker 85 I genuinely wanted to ask, because you opened up with a suicide bit. Do you suffer with that, or was it just a bit?

Speaker 24 I think if you don't think about it, you're lying. Everybody thinks about it a little bit.
Again, I've never been like, I've never had something in my mouth or like stood on the edge of the bridge.

Speaker 24 But I've been like, you know,

Speaker 24 I've had some stuff in my mouth, but not a gun, okay?

Speaker 151 I've just.

Speaker 24 No, I've never tried to kill myself, but, you know, you think about it.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 169 Interesting.

Speaker 27 How often do these thoughts come into your head?

Speaker 24 I mean, you just get kind of sad sometimes. That's about it.

Speaker 24 You know, everybody gets sad a little bit, you know, and then then you go, I want to get out of this town with my friends, and then you feel better.

Speaker 104 That's how I grew up.

Speaker 5 Interesting.

Speaker 131 Nothing. Yeah.

Speaker 159 I don't know about this exactly.

Speaker 70 You know, we have,

Speaker 7 if you use the promo code Kill Tony,

Speaker 87 that is it. It's a...

Speaker 25 Space80 at what?

Speaker 89 What is it?

Speaker 61 TalkSpace.

Speaker 86 That's right. Talkspace.com.

Speaker 10 Use the promo code Space80.

Speaker 89 Thank you.

Speaker 88 How about a hand for Yoni, everybody?

Speaker 37 He's

Speaker 43 a Jew

Speaker 90 that keeps the show on its tracks, everyone.

Speaker 156 Everyone needs a good Jew.

Speaker 130 I highly implore you to hire a Jew.

Speaker 93 No matter what industry you're in, really, even if you're cleaning Airbnbs like his girlfriend, everyone can use a Jew.

Speaker 56 They give you good business advice.

Speaker 56 There's

Speaker 90 one fan of the Jews back here.

Speaker 138 Welcome to Texas. There's

Speaker 164 one guy that agrees with me.

Speaker 107 Ronaldo, one more time.

Speaker 107 What do you do for fun around here?

Speaker 136 Well, I do.

Speaker 24 I like to go to hardcore shows.

Speaker 111 So that is.

Speaker 56 The haircut does make sense.

Speaker 79 Yeah, right.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I like to stage dive and mosh and stuff like that. And I'm a BMX guy as well.
I go to skate parks, ride bikes at skate parks and stuff.

Speaker 79 Hell yeah.

Speaker 36 Look at that.

Speaker 127 Look at you. Wow.

Speaker 85 We always thought of riding bicycles as being a very healthy pursuit.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I usually drink beer while I'm doing it, so I just did.

Speaker 3 Wow, look at you.

Speaker 145 All right, Ronaldo.

Speaker 27 Amazing set.

Speaker 55 What's the longest set you've ever done?

Speaker 24 Like 45 minutes.

Speaker 106 45 minutes? Love that.

Speaker 91 View on the secret show.

Speaker 140 Two in a row.

Speaker 43 Two in a row. And back to Brown, by the way.

Speaker 139 Back to Brown.

Speaker 171 Ronaldo Mercado.

Speaker 82 He's good. Yeah.

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 116 Two amazing

Speaker 130 comedians back to back.

Speaker 88 And now we turn it up a notch.

Speaker 118 Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of the regulars of the show.

Speaker 93 Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what can I say?

Speaker 113 The guy is, without a doubt, probably, god damn it, one of the most fucking incredible forces in the history of Kiltoni.

Speaker 115 Killing it everywhere he goes. Probably, pound for pound, not only one of the top young rising comedians in the world, but probably straight up just one of the best comedians in the world.

Speaker 115 This is a brand new minute or more from the great and powerful, the one and only future president of the United States of America.

Speaker 40 This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

Speaker 20 What's up?

Speaker 145 Okay.

Speaker 168 You know when you

Speaker 168 know when you fuck a girl

Speaker 123 and then she gets upset that you told everybody

Speaker 16 you fucked her

Speaker 123 Yes, bitch.

Speaker 16 I told everybody.

Speaker 155 I'm trying to show off.

Speaker 168 Trust me, you don't want to be the one I fuck.

Speaker 161 And then I tell nobody.

Speaker 155 I've had plenty of those.

Speaker 144 Ladies if you like fuck a co-worker and you don't hear about it a week later

Speaker 153 That's a bad sign

Speaker 13 That means you're a secret

Speaker 11 That means you look like a slub of shit

Speaker 13 There's plenty of women who would love a rumor.

Speaker 176 Hey, Agatha.

Speaker 155 Hey, Agatha, I heard you fucked Dori.

Speaker 79 Maybe I did.

Speaker 82 Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Speaker 43 One minute, 39

Speaker 43 seconds.

Speaker 14 For the freak of nature, Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 65 Am I right?

Speaker 85 You missed it. We had a couple of the girls you don't tell anyone about

Speaker 160 on earlier.

Speaker 155 Really?

Speaker 79 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Speaker 155 One of them didn't even have a belly button.

Speaker 79 It's true.

Speaker 157 You love those two.

Speaker 123 I love how a chick has a belly piercing that doesn't look like it's pierced, it looks like it's stuck.

Speaker 123 Oh my god.

Speaker 176 Bloody L. How are you, Jimmy?

Speaker 85 I'm pretty great, man. Great to see you.

Speaker 125 Where are you from? You from Talon?

Speaker 44 Estonia.

Speaker 161 Estonia, from Talent. I've been to Estonia so many times.

Speaker 85 I fucking love Estonia.

Speaker 114 It's incredible.

Speaker 168 I started touring a lot when you had.

Speaker 85 But I love it. You got like a proper fucking scene there, and you are the star.
I'm loving seeing you. Oh, thanks.
Thanks, guys. I'm loving seeing the ride.
Did you hear him on Trigonometry this week?

Speaker 139 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 85 There's a podcast called Trigonometry.

Speaker 32 He fucking killed it.

Speaker 180 Really?

Speaker 82 You listen to that?

Speaker 85 You killed it. You're killing it here.

Speaker 44 Yep.

Speaker 85 I can't get over it. I'm loving your stuff.

Speaker 101 Thanks, man.

Speaker 25 The boy's a freak.

Speaker 86 It's an absolute sensation.

Speaker 49 I don't know if there's anything ever been quite like it in the history of this show.

Speaker 133 Comedy's so crazy, I was just like down the street trying that joke, full silence and confusion.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 159 It happens.

Speaker 163 Then you just go.

Speaker 168 And then I just come here like, okay, I guess I don't got it.

Speaker 55 You made some adjustments?

Speaker 39 No.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 37 100% same.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 52 The people down the street suck.

Speaker 123 They suck, dude.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 114 You were right.

Speaker 85 Mothership, man. This is where it's at.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 130 So, Ari Maddie, you are a sensation.

Speaker 23 You're traveling all over, doing it.

Speaker 89 Long sets, absolutely everywhere. What's the update?

Speaker 151 Where have you been up to lately?

Speaker 115 Oh, we were.

Speaker 79 Was Martin Phillips on?

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Holy shit.

Speaker 54 Jimmy, I

Speaker 85 listen,

Speaker 85 I'm not your manager, but that's not a bad idea.

Speaker 22 So me and Martin,

Speaker 5 we were in Florida.

Speaker 88 Please tell me what this dynamic duo was up to in the great state of Florida.

Speaker 20 Jim's fucking party.

Speaker 123 I don't think he's got anything.

Speaker 157 I think he's just so fucked up all the time.

Speaker 16 He parties a lot, dude.

Speaker 57 He does.

Speaker 2 He dances?

Speaker 130 Dude, the bitches love it.

Speaker 80 They lose their mind.

Speaker 133 They grab him. They start.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 85 He dances like a T-Rex.

Speaker 171 Did you just take it? If you're honest.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 180 my God.

Speaker 146 We party, Jimmy.

Speaker 85 You only took him to get better parking.

Speaker 125 Also, bang and parking.

Speaker 155 We pull up everywhere.

Speaker 163 We just put the sign, plank, plank, just on the

Speaker 155 to the store.

Speaker 5 You can do the walk, just.

Speaker 13 And also, because I'm on the road with him, when he's pre-boarding, I'm right behind him.

Speaker 44 Dude, they don't ask.

Speaker 128 Oh, my God.

Speaker 79 They don't ask.

Speaker 133 Just me and Martin, Southwest Airlines.

Speaker 37 They don't ask him either.

Speaker 44 As people are coming off the plane, we're like, fucking.

Speaker 147 These are my boys.

Speaker 45 This is my squad.

Speaker 147 They're like, those are the Kiltoni guys right there.

Speaker 62 Incredible.

Speaker 90 So you guys were in Florida.

Speaker 157 So we went to like a bar.

Speaker 85 Uh-huh.

Speaker 79 And we're like boozing.

Speaker 127 Everything's cool.

Speaker 5 And it's Florida. It's

Speaker 22 Fort Myers, maybe. Yeah.

Speaker 127 So everyone.

Speaker 36 Ugly.

Speaker 79 Oh, yeah. Fuck the bar.

Speaker 5 And you're there. Like one of those Star Wars bars, you know.

Speaker 13 And you're there with your wingman.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Phillips, who literally has a permanent wing.

Speaker 133 I don't like you.

Speaker 137 My friend doesn't like you either.

Speaker 20 You have been frozen in carbonite.

Speaker 100 That's it.

Speaker 147 I can do two impressions.

Speaker 49 Princess Leia and Blazing Nana.

Speaker 85 Okay, so you're in this bar.

Speaker 22 So we're like talking, you know, and we noticed that there's no

Speaker 57 chicks around.

Speaker 123 At the end of the bar, there were these two fucking bullsharks just talking.

Speaker 146 Like two women, you know, you don't even know what age they are.

Speaker 163 They're just done.

Speaker 146 You know when you just drink and smoke so long you don't even have gender.

Speaker 133 You're just a carcass.

Speaker 137 You should have been here earlier.

Speaker 147 Is one of them wearing a fanny pack?

Speaker 155 So they're like at the bar.

Speaker 54 So you see these two girls and you're like, these are our girls, Mark.

Speaker 168 Yeah, we're like, we need seven to eight thousand more drinks.

Speaker 146 So they're at the end of the bar and then you know and it's Florida volume bar, you know, it's so fucking loud so you're yelling I'm like yelling to Martin okay disgusting somebody just somebody just belched

Speaker 163 and then

Speaker 145 Then I noticed to at the other end of the bar an angel

Speaker 146 like an Austin four like an absolute

Speaker 79 12 and a half.

Speaker 44 Yeah,

Speaker 163 an angel enters the bar,

Speaker 168 and then I turn to Martin.

Speaker 146 And at this point, you know, when just

Speaker 146 like music stops playing, and you're yelling over a bar?

Speaker 163 So I just go, like, as soon as music stops, mid-sentence, I go, I guess there's only one pretty girl here.

Speaker 130 The bull sharks activate.

Speaker 5 Oh shit.

Speaker 81 Oh shit.

Speaker 155 There's blood in the water.

Speaker 155 And this ugly trash bag of a human

Speaker 16 looks at me and Martin and goes, which one's the pretty one?

Speaker 85 Have you considered writing romantic fiction?

Speaker 125 It's a lovely way with words.

Speaker 133 And of course I tried to say that. I go, I guess there's three, you know.

Speaker 93 But now the music's playing.

Speaker 89 They can't even hear you say that.

Speaker 16 It's over.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 123 And then they get some bit.

Speaker 146 And then I get nervous because they keep talking.

Speaker 5 And then all of a sudden, just a pickup truck full of men get to the bar.

Speaker 163 All gorillas.

Speaker 22 You know, it's like a scene from a movie where they're coming to beat up the outsiders, you know.

Speaker 36 I mean, if you're going to beat up Martin Phillips, this I'm fucked, you know.

Speaker 79 And then they come off and I overhear the bullsharks tell these jocks of what went down.

Speaker 20 And you know what those guys did, dude?

Speaker 163 I was so nervous.

Speaker 161 Those guys literally laugh and they go, well, you ain't a prize.

Speaker 133 And then, by the way, we started drinking. Those girls were actually a lot of fun.

Speaker 157 They were cool.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Plus, Martin needs something.

Speaker 117 By the way, he he bangs.

Speaker 157 I've seen some girls backstage.

Speaker 41 It's pretty

Speaker 22 like Martin, yeah. Girls have like a fetish.
They want to take care of you, you know.

Speaker 146 They're like, I can fix him, you know.

Speaker 146 Oh, my God.

Speaker 61 One of the funniest people on stage.

Speaker 133 It's a joy to watch.

Speaker 136 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 We get to drink together at night.

Speaker 56 We get to sit at fucking Mitzis and get trash together.

Speaker 9 And he's this funny all the time.

Speaker 56 It's absolutely ridiculous.

Speaker 100 I love Ari Matty. You are a goddamn sensation.

Speaker 78 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 82 Freak of nature. He's a freak lover.

Speaker 43 You get to see it live week after week.

Speaker 90 The Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

Speaker 182 Jack here, spinning fast acting pain relief with Icy Hot. Ice works fast, heat makes it last.
Icy Hot, you're so back.

Speaker 183 You don't technically need this car. You say that out loud to yourself.
You say, I have no space.

Speaker 131 You say, eh, I'm just looking.

Speaker 139 Then you click.

Speaker 183 Then you zoom in on photo number 87 and whisper, oh no. Then you text a friend, the one who always enables you.
You say to yourself, this is the last one, knowing it is not. You don't need this car.

Speaker 34 But maybe, just maybe, this car needs you.

Speaker 139 Bring a trailer.

Speaker 183 It's never just a car.

Speaker 49 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 31 Not easy to follow, Ari Maddie.

Speaker 97 This is going to be a minute uninterrupted for Rodrigo Marin.

Speaker 88 Everybody, make some noise for Rodrigo.

Speaker 13 I don't really

Speaker 161 know my own exact race.

Speaker 41 But

Speaker 30 people say I look like I'm made up of a bunch of different races.

Speaker 30 Yeah, some say one of them is black.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 30 So I measured my dick.

Speaker 30 I'm definitely Hispanic, guys.

Speaker 136 It's settled.

Speaker 30 Nah,

Speaker 30 every time someone asks if I'm black, I always say, I don't know, I don't know who my dad is.

Speaker 30 And every time they say, oh, so you're black.

Speaker 161 And every time,

Speaker 115 I rob them.

Speaker 30 What do you expect?

Speaker 30 I was hanging out with some friends the other day, and one of them told me how I've been looking like shit lately.

Speaker 30 So I said thanks, man. I'm really trying to get that Pete Davidson look down.

Speaker 30 Thank you guys.

Speaker 46 All right.

Speaker 43 Rodrigo Marin.

Speaker 9 Not only do you have Pete Davidson's look down, you also have his stand-up act down as well.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 106 Wasn't intentional.

Speaker 156 We're having fun here.

Speaker 130 I'm just kidding.

Speaker 36 Pete's great.

Speaker 79 Rodrigo, how old are you?

Speaker 97 26. 26.

Speaker 165 What do you do for work?

Speaker 41 I'm a waiter at a restaurant.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 84 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 30 Smoke weed and go to the gym? Yeah.

Speaker 65 Going to the gym for fun.

Speaker 90 When did the gym become an answer for what do you do for fun?

Speaker 27 This episode.

Speaker 151 It's people. Well, I used to bodybuild.

Speaker 41 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 30 When I was in college.

Speaker 85 I'm guessing that didn't work out.

Speaker 115 It didn't.

Speaker 126 No.

Speaker 151 Steroids, I was like, I'm good.

Speaker 176 Yeah.

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 127 All right.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 23 Did you do steroids?

Speaker 127 No. No.
Right.

Speaker 39 Don't believe me.

Speaker 23 No, no,

Speaker 121 I believe you.

Speaker 23 Okay. I believe you.

Speaker 169 You are an interesting-looking guy.

Speaker 5 The longer I stare at you, the weirder-looking you get.

Speaker 41 Same year to you, to be honest.

Speaker 130 Wow, what a comeback.

Speaker 100 What an amazing comeback.

Speaker 44 Same to you.

Speaker 5 Well written.

Speaker 61 Your act is getting stronger after the minute.

Speaker 130 Rodrigo, so

Speaker 104 what's your love life like, Rodrigo?

Speaker 30 Non-existent since comedy started, to be honest.

Speaker 92 It's gotten worse every year.

Speaker 53 How long have you been doing comedy?

Speaker 30 A year and a half.

Speaker 127 Year and a half.

Speaker 107 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 161 No, I just moved here from San Antonio.

Speaker 127 Okay.

Speaker 107 The long 45-minute drive from San Antonio.

Speaker 57 Hour and a half, sometimes.

Speaker 126 All right.

Speaker 23 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 127 All right.

Speaker 107 So you live on the west side of San Antonio?

Speaker 30 No, I'm not that ratchet.

Speaker 165 All right.

Speaker 30 No, it's north side, north side.

Speaker 151 Okay. By UTSA area.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 23 All right.

Speaker 93 You have a big family?

Speaker 24 I do, yeah.

Speaker 90 How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Speaker 142 Two brothers.

Speaker 30 Well, one of my brothers, I count him a nephew. He's my nephew.
I count him as a brother.

Speaker 56 And then two sisters.

Speaker 90 Have they seen you do comedy?

Speaker 30 They have not. No.

Speaker 79 No, neither have I.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Was.

Speaker 169 It is.

Speaker 47 Is that your best material, you think?

Speaker 105 Or is that stuff you've written recently?

Speaker 151 I think I have better jokes, but they're a little bit longer.

Speaker 127 Okay. Yeah.
A lot longer?

Speaker 156 No, just like 30 seconds.

Speaker 27 All right, let's hear one of your best jokes. One of my best jokes.

Speaker 60 Yeah, I want to hear one of your best jokes.

Speaker 43 Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his best jokes.

Speaker 46 it's a little bit longer.

Speaker 60 All right, gonna give him a chance here. I want to see what you got.

Speaker 74 You're a half in, yeah, Rodrigo.

Speaker 23 Uh,

Speaker 13 I went to a gay bar in college.

Speaker 143 I got kicked out for hitting on all the girls,

Speaker 131 right?

Speaker 161 Yeah, they were like, He's not gay, imposter.

Speaker 115 I was like, No, no, no, no, no, I'm gay, I'm gay,

Speaker 145 and they were like, Proven.

Speaker 176 I was like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 151 So there I was,

Speaker 30 you know, proving I'm gay

Speaker 121 to get the girls,

Speaker 19 right?

Speaker 13 And I was like, ah, you believe me now, huh?

Speaker 13 How about now?

Speaker 155 Am I fucking gay, dude, or what?

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 85 Get out of Tony's mind.

Speaker 113 It's true.

Speaker 31 I go to gay bars just to pick up chicks all the time.

Speaker 85 You're just curious.

Speaker 105 Amazing.

Speaker 65 Okay, Rodrigo, let's try to figure out some real actual funny stuff about your actual life.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 92 Other than the gym,

Speaker 141 right?

Speaker 27 What are some other things that you tend to do or that are interesting or that make you different or your perspective is different or that you find weird about you or your life or your upbringing or anything.

Speaker 70 Anything ever happen to you?

Speaker 107 You ever get molested or something?

Speaker 30 No, I'm that one, but I mean, nobody in my family knows who my dad is.

Speaker 24 But

Speaker 30 nobody in my family knows who their dad is.

Speaker 30 Nobody in my family knows who their dad is.

Speaker 85 It feels like there's going to be a butt there and more to this story.

Speaker 85 What did your mom say?

Speaker 151 Well, she said that

Speaker 30 she said that it's this one dude, but everybody else says it's not.

Speaker 30 I don't believe. I don't know who to believe.
Yeah.

Speaker 144 So.

Speaker 66 When's the last time you talked to your mom about this?

Speaker 41 Not too long ago.

Speaker 30 When I bring it up, though, she's like,

Speaker 125 Do you have your phone on you?

Speaker 85 Could we call her?

Speaker 82 I don't have it on me. It's not on me.

Speaker 46 I don't have it.

Speaker 43 Let's unlock his phone.

Speaker 138 Let's do it. Let's get the phone unlocker out.

Speaker 113 Yeah, I'm going to call.

Speaker 43 We got to call him mom.

Speaker 43 I think we've...

Speaker 85 We call him mom. I think if we just call her, I think she'll understand.

Speaker 91 She's very Mexican.

Speaker 85 Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could keep it.

Speaker 80 She's very Mexican.

Speaker 85 You could keep it quiet. She's Mexican.
Well, that.

Speaker 54 Then we'll have Michael Gonzalez translate for us.

Speaker 184 Okay, let's do it. Let's do it.
I'm calling her.

Speaker 136 This is crazy. Here, you got to put the

Speaker 5 BacTimer?

Speaker 85 What's your mother's name?

Speaker 155 Shanna.

Speaker 5 Shanna. Shanna.

Speaker 130 Okay.

Speaker 87 And make sure you put the volume all the way up and then when you hit send on the call, put the microphone up to the absolute bottom of the phone, right up against it, okay?

Speaker 30 Okay, she does work in the morning, so let's see.

Speaker 56 She's awake.

Speaker 53 Put the mic next to the bottom of it.

Speaker 60 Put it on speaker.

Speaker 60 Put it on speaker.

Speaker 74 Oh, you're FaceTiming her.

Speaker 136 With With a face like that, I would go with an audio call.

Speaker 49 It's a FaceTime only a mother could love.

Speaker 49 She's.

Speaker 169 Come on, pick up Shana.

Speaker 127 Turn it up. Turn the volume up.
My phone's...

Speaker 70 That's all it's got. No way.

Speaker 23 Give me that.

Speaker 79 Oh, shit.

Speaker 139 Mom's hot.

Speaker 5 Hold on.

Speaker 85 Oh, excuse me. I'm here with

Speaker 85 your son.

Speaker 126 Holy shit, she had to.

Speaker 85 Oh, is it voicemail? Oh, is it? Is it voicemail?

Speaker 23 Hello? Excuse me.

Speaker 53 Shana, are you there?

Speaker 3 Oh, it beeped. Sham.

Speaker 23 You fell for it, Jimmy.

Speaker 127 What the fuck?

Speaker 39 Your mom is

Speaker 49 your mom for her voicemail, dude?

Speaker 182 Hold on. Hello?

Speaker 182 They're almost done, not gay. I'll tell you right now.

Speaker 5 A little bit more.

Speaker 5 She's drunk.

Speaker 155 She's drinking. She's off.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 53 Hold on. Shana, hello.

Speaker 49 Hello.

Speaker 31 Shana, can you hear me?

Speaker 15 Shana,

Speaker 162 hello?

Speaker 85 Well, hello. We need to.
We're here with your son, and we need to know who his father is.

Speaker 43 Who's he? What?

Speaker 71 We know.

Speaker 85 We know you caught a lot of dicks 27 years ago.

Speaker 85 We need to know whose dick you caught.

Speaker 6 What

Speaker 21 Shana.

Speaker 174 His

Speaker 158 His name was also Rodrigo.

Speaker 78 Rodrigo.

Speaker 47 But where is this guy?

Speaker 14 How can we track him down?

Speaker 88 Rodrigo wants to meet him.

Speaker 118 And

Speaker 52 where do you think we should look if we wanted to find him, Shana?

Speaker 166 Oh, shit.

Speaker 42 I don't know what that happened.

Speaker 88 You're on the show right now, Shana.

Speaker 52 You're on one of the biggest shows in the world right now.

Speaker 53 My name's Tony.

Speaker 140 Have you heard?

Speaker 85 I think your mother just queefed.

Speaker 52 Shana, I'm looking at the picture that you're s you're you're you're unbelievably stunning.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 53 What w w what are you doing Wednesday night?

Speaker 32 I'm kidding.

Speaker 33 I'm off work.

Speaker 43 Rodrigo, you might not know who your dad is, but you're about to meet your stepdad right now.

Speaker 85 Ladies and gentlemen, I've said it before, I say it again.

Speaker 85 Tony Hinchcliffe is a motherfucker.

Speaker 85 Is my dear lover?

Speaker 23 She's very hot. Look at that picture.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 128 This is the first time ever where I can really look a guy in the eyes and go, I want to fuck your mom.

Speaker 79 He took a picture of it?

Speaker 5 No way.

Speaker 44 What are you going to do with that later, Red Band?

Speaker 43 Oh, my God. He really did.
Yeah, she's a smoke show.

Speaker 45 Oh, my God.

Speaker 58 Christ, it's crazy.

Speaker 64 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 161 Bing bang for Red Band.

Speaker 81 Wow.

Speaker 5 Eyebrows on fleek is what they're doing. Yeah,

Speaker 38 she's got some cleavage there.

Speaker 50 They used to.

Speaker 37 All right.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 41 Looks like you and I have more in common than I thought when I first saw you.

Speaker 106 Because I'm also going to suck on your mother's tips.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 85 Chances are, you're also going to ruin a pussy.

Speaker 134 But I'll always be here.

Speaker 53 You'll always know right where I am.

Speaker 65 And anytime you need a father figure in your life, come to me and I'll help you.

Speaker 30 You got money?

Speaker 122 You said, you said.

Speaker 136 I could see why your dad left.

Speaker 45 Now that you're a little

Speaker 114 gold-digging boy, that's what you are.

Speaker 86 All right, I'll tell you what, even though the minute was pretty rough, maybe it's because you were following Ari Maddie and also the joke about the gay bar, you know, whatever.

Speaker 114 But I'm giving you a medium joke book here just so that you could put in a good word for me with your mom.

Speaker 80 Oh, we'll get it, we'll get it. That's fine.

Speaker 48 Fun times, Rodrigo.

Speaker 53 Keep signing up.

Speaker 43 We'll come back again. Rodrigo Marin, everybody.

Speaker 147 We're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 95 Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Speaker 64 We're running a little bit long here tonight.

Speaker 93 Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 7 It's Adam Sincere.

Speaker 136 This is definitely a new name.

Speaker 48 I would remember an Adam Sincere.

Speaker 139 Oh, shit.

Speaker 139 Oh, shit.

Speaker 113 One more time for your final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 60 Adam Sincere, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 126 Thank you very much.

Speaker 181 Como está ustedes.

Speaker 155 I love it. All right.

Speaker 125 This is fantastic.

Speaker 181 I took the bus down here, and

Speaker 181 this family got on. They had like a baby in a stroller, and this kid had a golden earring on.

Speaker 185 And I'm not trying to tell you at a parent, but

Speaker 181 it's kind of unfair, right? I mean, the kid can't even talk yet. And already he's cooler than me.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Then I saw a bumper sticker on the way.

Speaker 122 It said, no farms, no food.

Speaker 40 This guy just hates everything.

Speaker 112 Say, do we have any Jesus fans here?

Speaker 46 All right. I love it.

Speaker 112 I'm a little embarrassed.

Speaker 181 I was raised thinking that he died for our sins.

Speaker 185 I just found out.

Speaker 91 Apparently what happened is a bunch of guys killed him.

Speaker 133 I did a joke about masturbating too but I'm gonna save that for when it comes in handy thank you

Speaker 5 Adam Sincere with his kill Tony debut right down the hatch look at you you're a silly little rock star aren't you grab the microphone Adam you're like a throwback

Speaker 125 common sense back there hello how are you doing great welcome welcome how long you been doing stand-up comedy

Speaker 112 How long has it been?

Speaker 181 It's been about two years before the pandemic, and then I rolled over and died during that for a little while.

Speaker 143 I'm trying to get back in.

Speaker 130 Okay.

Speaker 117 Where do you live?

Speaker 168 Boston.

Speaker 130 Really?

Speaker 130 Wow.

Speaker 114 Oh, yes.

Speaker 141 And you're just visiting?

Speaker 112 I moved here about a week and a half ago.

Speaker 27 Well, congratulations, Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 85 What year is it where you're from?

Speaker 181 I got shot down somewhere over the Pacific, and then I just kind of woke up here, so really.

Speaker 85 I kind of love this guy. I think it's the lines though, the jokes, forget the jokes, the facial expressions of the punchline.

Speaker 176 Yeah.

Speaker 85 You just exude funny and then the lines, meh.

Speaker 85 You got a great face.

Speaker 125 Thank you. Thank you, Jimmy.

Speaker 85 I'm speechless. It feels like you're a cartoon.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Doesn't feel real. Yeah.

Speaker 93 No, I completely agree.

Speaker 145 You have a look, you fucking dress up for the night, you look like a professional, you act like you move like a professional.

Speaker 107 The jokes could use up a little bit of a little bit of something, but obviously you're a year,

Speaker 58 whatever, two years before the pandemic.

Speaker 48 It's like you're coming back.

Speaker 53 Oh, yes. You're making some kind of return.

Speaker 58 I'm trying to.

Speaker 93 And you just moved here a week and a half ago, so you're in the right place.

Speaker 123 I feel like, especially after this adulation, really?

Speaker 37 Yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Adulation. I feel like.

Speaker 85 Yeah, it feels like it's like watching Family Guy, the casting for the young Peter Griffin.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Family Guy meets Scooby-Doo.

Speaker 172 Something.

Speaker 14 Something's going on here.

Speaker 154 What do you do for work exactly?

Speaker 181 I've been a bartending for a while, but I'm on the hunt right now. I just applied for a farmhand and a private investigator this morning.

Speaker 85 Well, I think it's, yeah, that's very smart because you you really want to narrow your search

Speaker 85 You really want to yeah, you really want to specialize in a private investigator on a farm maybe

Speaker 94 Preferably do you have any experience in farming whatsoever? Is there a lot of farming where you live in Boston?

Speaker 115 No, not right

Speaker 13 I'm eager

Speaker 85 Well, you're dressed as a 70s detective

Speaker 114 That's got to help hasn't it?

Speaker 32 It does especially yeah in in sleuthing for a job it definitely helps helps to dress the part on the computer.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 5 So, yeah,

Speaker 88 did you go to the farmhand interview dress like that?

Speaker 106 I actually didn't get a call back.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 85 But cool, it's not show business. It's a farmhand.

Speaker 5 You took a headshot to a farmhand job?

Speaker 130 My agent said I didn't get the role at the farmhand.

Speaker 147 How about the PI thing?

Speaker 10 Do you have any experience in that whatsoever?

Speaker 122 I don't.

Speaker 181 It just, it seems, you know, when you're a little boy, you want to be a cop, and then you grow up and you realize you don't want to hurt anybody, but you like the whole, you know, adventure.

Speaker 99 Sorry, I don't. I'm homeless.

Speaker 13 You couldn't be.

Speaker 133 I like sneaking around and saving the day, but like, you know, I don't want to kill anybody.

Speaker 5 There's a couple of cops in going, you know, we like hurting people.

Speaker 85 You just haven't given it a go.

Speaker 7 So you only have experience bartending, pretty much.

Speaker 133 As, Yeah, as an adult, if you can call it that.

Speaker 127 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 90 How many years have you bartended?

Speaker 127 Four.

Speaker 57 Okay, so yeah.

Speaker 88 Have you thought about looking for bartending jobs in the city of Austin, a place which per capita has more bars than any other city in the world?

Speaker 121 I have.

Speaker 181 I actually,

Speaker 181 I did get a call back today.

Speaker 89 You did get a call back. Yeah.

Speaker 126 Very good.

Speaker 43 Fingers are crossed for the job that you actually can do. Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 85 I'm just thinking about Scooby-Doo.

Speaker 111 I know, it's crazy.

Speaker 85 We're all thinking, where's Scoob?

Speaker 10 Yeah. Do you live in a van?

Speaker 79 I thought about it.

Speaker 122 But no, I did try living near the Charles River for a month just to see what all the hype was about.

Speaker 181 I wouldn't recommend it. I got like five minutes of good material from it, but you know.

Speaker 86 That's a crazy river in Boston?

Speaker 3 Oh, yes. Okay.

Speaker 107 It's like a Boston bean. I don't know about it.

Speaker 102 Okay.

Speaker 87 So, Adam Sincere, tell us, how do you end up like this?

Speaker 79 You have a wacky family, childhood, or something?

Speaker 79 There's a lot of possibilities.

Speaker 117 How old are you again?

Speaker 88 For some reason, you look young and like you fought in Vietnam.

Speaker 122 There's definitely

Speaker 106 something mixed up spiritually, but I'm 31.

Speaker 114 I know, I know, I know.

Speaker 85 And you were born on the 4th of July.

Speaker 180 That's right.

Speaker 79 It is incredible.

Speaker 85 I can't get enough of this guy. I really like him.

Speaker 90 Yeah, it's amazing.

Speaker 10 What else have you done comedically?

Speaker 56 Like, what type of accomplishments do you have?

Speaker 181 I've been writing in notebooks since I was 16, but I've always been too shy.

Speaker 143 And, you know,

Speaker 181 if anyone else wants to go first, you know, I'm happy to get in the back of the line.

Speaker 181 I wouldn't recommend it.

Speaker 92 You got to speak up for yourself.

Speaker 44 We've got to get you out there.

Speaker 125 We've got to get you out there.

Speaker 85 Your face is just funny.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Everything, I love it.

Speaker 99 Thank you.

Speaker 126 It is true.

Speaker 92 I'm trying to figure out.

Speaker 156 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 74 What are your hobbies and whatnot?

Speaker 181 I've kind of sequestered myself. I like to get high and play music.
I'm trying to actually be more productive, so

Speaker 3 I'm kind of sober, even California sober right now.

Speaker 181 That means I haven't done any drugs in a week, and it's been a very long week.

Speaker 111 That means pot.

Speaker 23 You're talking about pot?

Speaker 96 Pot,

Speaker 122 you know, mushrooms are great.

Speaker 58 A social drink is fine.

Speaker 181 But I've never dabbled really with anything.

Speaker 117 Are you Gary Oldman playing a character right now?

Speaker 58 He's, well, literally the best actor in the world and I'm starting to see it.

Speaker 148 And today, you're so good, you're playing a 31-year-old wacky comedian.

Speaker 100 It's looking for a job in Austin.

Speaker 7 That's why you keep accidentally saying callback for all these things.

Speaker 90 You're one of the greatest actors in the world, aren't you?

Speaker 181 You might be on to something, my friend.

Speaker 79 Have you gotten that before?

Speaker 165 Have people told you you look like Gary Oldman?

Speaker 185 No, I've gotten Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Speaker 181 blended with Cam from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and a little bit of one of the Baldwin brothers thrown in there.

Speaker 89 Yeah, so I could see all that.

Speaker 23 You have a look.

Speaker 151 Have you always had bangs?

Speaker 60 Good question, Red Band.

Speaker 126 It's

Speaker 5 Brian Redband.

Speaker 85 I'm pretty sure his next line is, can I finger you?

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 112 I mean, I am jobless.

Speaker 181 No, I gave myself a mullet during the pandemic, the barbershop shut down, and then every three months I get wine drunk, and I just wake up Dutch.

Speaker 126 Look at that.

Speaker 85 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 59 You wake up Dutch?

Speaker 125 Well, you know, it's, yeah.

Speaker 3 What does that mean?

Speaker 181 It's like a perfect bowl cut in the front and then it has to grow in and look natural.

Speaker 153 So you're such a fucking character.

Speaker 38 This is so interesting.

Speaker 127 Thank you.

Speaker 139 God damn.

Speaker 27 You need to get him a good bartending job somewhere.

Speaker 75 It's a shame we don't know anybody that owns a comedy club around here.

Speaker 41 All right.

Speaker 130 That must be staffed at the time.

Speaker 147 How much longer do you have until you run out of money?

Speaker 47 And have to go back to the Charles River with your...

Speaker 81 with your you probably do have a tail between your legs.

Speaker 114 He does have a look like he might have like a weird little tail that like waggles and we can't see it because it's underneath his pants.

Speaker 87 Anybody else get that? Okay.

Speaker 105 It's the first time I've said that in 12 years.

Speaker 117 Do you have a tail?

Speaker 181 I don't. I've never tried adding one either.

Speaker 19 Prove it.

Speaker 5 Whoa,

Speaker 147 all right. That's enough.
That's enough.

Speaker 111 That's whiskey bike.

Speaker 125 Yeah,

Speaker 59 you're giving us all whiskey hole right now.

Speaker 163 But no, I got hit by a car, so I have a nest egg at the moment.

Speaker 89 Okay, tell us about this car accident.

Speaker 159 Were you walking or driving?

Speaker 130 Bicycling. Wow, okay.

Speaker 141 Do you have a basket on the front of your bike?

Speaker 18 I can picture a basket.

Speaker 104 You do?

Speaker 106 It was on the back, but I did have a basket.

Speaker 156 He had a basket on the bike.

Speaker 86 Let the record show I saw a basket.

Speaker 113 And god damn it, he had a basket.

Speaker 46 And

Speaker 85 you got hit at speed?

Speaker 106 Or when I was moving? Or?

Speaker 41 Yeah, what were you?

Speaker 3 Oh, yes.

Speaker 3 Famous picture.

Speaker 181 I was bicycling home and the sun was just setting.

Speaker 136 Where were you going home from?

Speaker 81 The bar.

Speaker 147 Oh, so it was late in the middle of the night.

Speaker 117 Well, it was still bright enough.

Speaker 92 That's important because the person said that they were blinded by headlights, but it was still daylight, so

Speaker 143 I'm not buying it.

Speaker 180 Correct.

Speaker 85 Did they play the bass guitar?

Speaker 99 Actually,

Speaker 112 the only reason I got litigious is they left the car running.

Speaker 181 They left the windows up. They never got out.

Speaker 181 Instead, a mechanic across the street ran over, and he made the call, but this person just left their car running over me. So I said, now I have to sue you.

Speaker 91 Like an apology, that's totally fine.

Speaker 85 They would have let bygones. So if someone runs you over, but they apologize, you're okay with it.

Speaker 85 But if they just drive off, you go, well, that seems a bit much.

Speaker 85 So let us. You may be the nicest man in the world?

Speaker 117 The world is wondering right now.

Speaker 5 So they hit you.

Speaker 49 They left the car running.

Speaker 85 Well, that's going to be triggering.

Speaker 93 So they hit you, and then they get out of the car and run on foot?

Speaker 122 No, no, no. They stayed in the car.

Speaker 181 It was running, and they just left the windows up.

Speaker 163 Like, they just, I think they were scared.

Speaker 135 I have to assume.

Speaker 95 What type of person was it?

Speaker 119 What did they look like?

Speaker 181 The mechanic mechanic said, ma'am, don't leave, sir, don't move.

Speaker 185 And so

Speaker 111 that was you.

Speaker 85 You've got a strange haircut.

Speaker 181 I've got a very masculine Pradfall, though, so they could probably tell.

Speaker 101 Okay.

Speaker 107 Okay, final question here.

Speaker 107 What amount of money did you get from this lawsuit?

Speaker 8 Oh,

Speaker 181 it was in the end

Speaker 135 about $12,000 for $12,000, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 138 Wow.

Speaker 149 He said $12,000 for a second.

Speaker 53 We all had a number in our head.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 56 And then the hard thousand. So he has weeks to survive here.

Speaker 126 12.

Speaker 155 12,000.

Speaker 114 12,000, Jim.

Speaker 85 I might start running people over.

Speaker 113 And then just sit there staring straightforward with the windows up.

Speaker 114 Here's your money.

Speaker 111 Amazing. Sorry.

Speaker 61 Well, Adam Sincere, very fun times.

Speaker 103 Keep signing up for this show.

Speaker 136 You're very lucky. It's only been a week and a half.

Speaker 166 Is this your first time signing up today?

Speaker 181 No, last June I visited and I gave it a shot then too.

Speaker 101 Okay.

Speaker 101 Look at you.

Speaker 173 You're very lucky, except for when it comes to riding a bicycle.

Speaker 141 Here's a big joke book, my friend.

Speaker 92 Congratulations.

Speaker 43 Adam Sincere has arrived to the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 43 What a fucking episode tonight.

Speaker 53 And there's only one way to end end an episode like this.

Speaker 113 Kill Tony brought to you by Blue Nile, Nick, and Blue Chew.

Speaker 84 Reminder, Jimmy Carr is on a global tour.

Speaker 45 JimmyCarr.com.

Speaker 88 He's going to Australia, New Zealand, and Europe.

Speaker 31 And all over America.

Speaker 45 JimmyCarr.com.

Speaker 48 Ladies and gentlemen, now is the time.

Speaker 136 that you have all been waiting for.

Speaker 31 I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever in the history of the show.

Speaker 43 The most interviews ever.

Speaker 113 The most everything ever.

Speaker 48 Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him

Speaker 11 the great king of

Speaker 7 kebabs.

Speaker 31 He's known for going to food trucks.

Speaker 81 Some people call him the Prince of Pizza, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla.

Speaker 54 This is

Speaker 43 the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 40 Biden's got terminal prostate cancer.

Speaker 40 Apparently he caught it at one of Pete Diddy's free coughs.

Speaker 40 They might be giants.

Speaker 40 They might be annoying.

Speaker 40 Okay, that's a band. Okay, let's keep moving.
Want to know if someone

Speaker 40 went to either public or private school? Ask them if their high school graduation was loud.

Speaker 40 Barack Obama's daughter, Malia, has been accused of plagiarism. Apparently, she developed a commercial for Nike that was shockingly similar to another black person's work.

Speaker 40 The commercial began, I have a dream.

Speaker 40 That doesn't sound familiar to me.

Speaker 40 Okay, that's my time Tony.

Speaker 43 Thank you the legend the one the only

Speaker 64 The young king William Montgomery Jimmy Carr

Speaker 85 Louis CKFC

Speaker 71 No doubt I'm going for sir.

Speaker 85 It's fantastic. Yeah, it's great to see you.

Speaker 40 Well, thank you so much. It's wonderful to see you as well Jimmy

Speaker 85 He's fully formed, isn't he?

Speaker 136 He really is.

Speaker 85 He just it's a look that wouldn't No other industry would accept this.

Speaker 40 Right. I was not doing well at my storage unit job.
I was working at a storage unit place before this, and I used to get into it with my manager, Christina Gonzalez.

Speaker 40 And I swear to God, I think she didn't like me because I had red hair.

Speaker 40 She was a Hispanic girl, and I love Hispanic people, but she was Hispanic, and I think she had something against red-headed people.

Speaker 125 Well, fuck that bitch.

Speaker 84 Yeah, she was horrible.

Speaker 40 She was a fat, nasty, fucking, I don't know, just nasty, horrible person.

Speaker 90 Well, she works at a a storage unit facility, and you're now one of the most famous comedians in the world.

Speaker 35 How exciting is that?

Speaker 79 Come out.

Speaker 85 Were you living and working at the storage facility?

Speaker 40 No, I was not. I was living in a place with six other people in, where was it, Echo Park in LA?

Speaker 40 When we moved, Jimmy, when I moved, the spot on my mattress, it was all black.

Speaker 40 It looked like somebody had died on my mattress because at the time I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine and I would just pass out on my mattress at night without any covers or anything.

Speaker 130 So it looked like a big black spot.

Speaker 85 It's nice. It's nice because cocaine used to be a very glamorous drug.

Speaker 85 And I really feel you're making it feel more accessible.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Which is good. That's what I'm going for.

Speaker 40 It almost destroyed my life, but I miss it. I miss it.
I miss being able to do it.

Speaker 16 How often do you think about it?

Speaker 107 We never really talk about that.

Speaker 104 Think about doing cocaine. Yeah.

Speaker 121 I've got, I was

Speaker 40 somewhere this weekend, Tony, and I got somebody a beer,

Speaker 40 and I got mad at them because I was like, okay, get the fucking beer out of my hands.

Speaker 40 I poured the beer for somebody, and I was like, okay, get it out of my hands because I really wanted to drink this weekend, Tony. I've been feeling kind of crazy recently, so I really wanted to drink.

Speaker 40 But I didn't drink because I think I'm at four years of not drinking like this week.

Speaker 104 So that's

Speaker 40 about to kill myself, Jimmy. So I had to stop drinking.

Speaker 85 Don't fucking do it. Don't do it.

Speaker 85 This is the new dopamine.

Speaker 85 This is the shit. This is the genuine joy, right? Drugs and alcohol are a proxy for the joy you get from life, right? The real joy.

Speaker 4 This is the real fucking show.

Speaker 82 You're great at it.

Speaker 85 You're fucking great at it.

Speaker 166 And the joy you bring to others is unmatched, William.

Speaker 105 It is incredible.

Speaker 89 Every single week.

Speaker 85 Also, what was it like fighting in the Civil War?

Speaker 40 It was crazy. I was against a bunch of fucking Yankees.
It was a nightmare.

Speaker 40 Fucking Gettysburg was a real crazy place. I was at Gettysburg.

Speaker 85 If you told me you had wooden teeth, I would believe you.

Speaker 85 You just feel like you're from another era.

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 90 It is such a look, William.

Speaker 91 What have you been up to this week?

Speaker 138 Where did you go?

Speaker 40 Had to go to LA for a memorial for somebody. So it's very sad.
So I was real kind of down this week. And then I was able to go to the fair.
I went to the LA County Fair. So that was fun.

Speaker 40 I walked around the fair for 10 hours on Thursday.

Speaker 5 Wow. What did you do?

Speaker 47 What did you do at the fair?

Speaker 161 I ate two foot-long corn dogs.

Speaker 40 I ate,

Speaker 40 what else did I eat? I ate

Speaker 40 a bunch of ice cream, ate some sauce serve, ate.

Speaker 166 Tell us what else you ate, William.

Speaker 41 Fuck, I ate corn on the cob, corn in a bowl.

Speaker 13 Are you going to get a little louder on the fucking horns, you pieces of shit?

Speaker 40 I mean, it's like Jimmy's in the fucking building tonight. Come on.

Speaker 40 Y'all know I was eating some motherfucking corn.

Speaker 40 Y'all know I was eating some hot dogs.

Speaker 124 Y'all know I was eating the corn dogs.

Speaker 124 Y'all know I was eating Skittles.

Speaker 124 Y'all know I was eating him and Eddie.

Speaker 40 Y'all know I was drinking some Coca-Cola!

Speaker 40 And it's a bananas, Tony. I need to get some fruit in there.

Speaker 91 You mixed in some fruit.

Speaker 82 What's

Speaker 85 How much cocaine did you do and what's the half-life of cocaine?

Speaker 85 It feels like you may be residual still very high.

Speaker 47 Every once in a while he snaps back into having cocaine energies.

Speaker 55 What else did you did you snack on anything else at the fair?

Speaker 40 Yeah, I mean, I had a fucking

Speaker 148 what are the big, what's the big bone with the

Speaker 51 turkey leg? You had a turkey leg.

Speaker 42 I had a turkey leg.

Speaker 19 Wow.

Speaker 40 I had a donut cheeseburger.

Speaker 128 Yeah, that's pretty good.

Speaker 40 Jimmy, that's a donut cut and avan cheeseburger in the middle.

Speaker 85 Yes, I don't know what you're working on. Type three diabetes?

Speaker 40 Well, it's not good. I had my blood tested last week and my A1C is not good.

Speaker 53 I'm pre-diabetic right now.

Speaker 85 What's your blood type?

Speaker 5 Gravy.

Speaker 160 What's my blood type?

Speaker 80 What?

Speaker 41 Gravy. Gravity, yeah.

Speaker 79 The light.

Speaker 40 My A1C is 5.8 right now, which apparently is pre-diabetic.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 85 Hey, listen. I believe in you.
You can get there.

Speaker 31 Thank you. I know.

Speaker 40 Thank you. But yeah, I'm pre-diabetic.

Speaker 88 What have you been eating since you got these blood test results?

Speaker 50 Give us some of the snacks that you've been eating since you found out you were pre-diabetes.

Speaker 178 Are you wide away for dinner tonight? Yeah.

Speaker 40 Peanut butter and jelly.

Speaker 42 Jambo!

Speaker 99 Wow.

Speaker 166 Are you ever going to stop eating crazy?

Speaker 42 I'm ever going to stop eating peanut butter and jelly.

Speaker 171 William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 71 has done it again.

Speaker 12 The reigning, defending record holder on every level of the show.

Speaker 53 And And he's done it again. The drawing from Ryan J.
Ebelt is in of tonight's guest, Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 50 It is incredible.

Speaker 130 How about one more time for Jimmy Carr, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 43 JimmyCarr.com.

Speaker 85 Thank you, Redman.

Speaker 43 Thank you, Tony. One of the best guests in the history of the show.
We love you, Jimmy.

Speaker 113 Unfucking believable.

Speaker 149 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up over there tonight.

Speaker 144 Oh,

Speaker 130 I'm guessing that's Casey, maybe?

Speaker 18 Casey Rocket?

Speaker 13 Ari Maddie?

Speaker 49 Okay, Ari Matty.

Speaker 13 All right.

Speaker 86 Sometimes they need a little touch-up after the show, you know what I mean?

Speaker 114 Piled in.

Speaker 51 How about one more time for Chris Rogers?

Speaker 100 Amazing local artist.

Speaker 43 We love him. Chris Rogers art on social media.

Speaker 119 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band?

Speaker 170 Matt Muelling, John Bees, Nick Lewis on the bass, Michael Gonzalez, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo.

Speaker 71 Red band?

Speaker 28 Check out the secret show every Thursday at the sunsetstripatx.com.

Speaker 115 Love you guys.

Speaker 119 I'm doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden on night one in August, August 16th or the 17th.

Speaker 85 Madison Square Cup. Yeah.

Speaker 48 And then we're doing Kill Tony the next night, so it's a big two-night fiasco at Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 115 You're coming to London, right? You're coming to London.

Speaker 31 And we're going to be in London in a month.

Speaker 89 June 7th.

Speaker 85 June 7th in London. Kill Tony.

Speaker 40 Get tickets.

Speaker 119 Let's go. We love you.

Speaker 45 God bless this audience.

Speaker 52 Thank you so much.

Speaker 170 We love you.

Speaker 119 Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Speaker 184 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 62 All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better.

Speaker 65 You know the moment, you're binge-watching different things, and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected.

Speaker 69 Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery, though let's be honest.

Speaker 66 Getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver.

Speaker 70 It's also Prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to and all the things that make life more interesting, right, Ban?

Speaker 71 Whether streaming a stand-up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way.

Speaker 71 So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember Prime is there for it.

Speaker 72 I do it all on Prime.

Speaker 73 Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

Speaker 75 From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime.

Speaker 67 Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.com slash Prime.

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