KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

hello do you see me England London it's me the young king here with the prime rib minister Brian Redband inviting you to the lovely oh to arena for one night only June 7th that's enough it's enough

Too much sauerkraut for you.

Your hat?

Get in front of the sign.

You buffo.

That's why you're not true royalty.

Hey, this is your only chance to see us on the other side of the world because we're pure blood Americans.

We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English, to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way.

But we are coming.

The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th.

Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them, TonyHenchcliffe.com.

And we'll see you there.

For royalty waits for no one.

Somebody put on some Elton jaw.

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Hey, this is Grandma.

Coming live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony.

It's close.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Thanks for it, Super Band, everybody.

Welcome!

And make some noise for the best stand band in the land.

There you go.

That feels about right.

Holy shit, what a performance, huh?

This is J-Mo joining us on the keys tonight, everybody.

Sean Greenberg on the electric guitar while John Dees and Matt Muelling are out of town that of course is Wuevos Rancheros grooveline horns over there Carlos Sosa Raul Vallejo Fernando Castillo

Nachos Belgrande that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums big Mike Getting a little bit bigger every week.

We have a little thing.

We put his head against the wall and use a pencil.

He's getting bigger and bigger every single week.

Big Mike.

We love Big Mike.

That's a good Trump impression.

I've never seen a Latino do a Trump impression before.

You know what?

You're going to the White House, buddy.

And ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar.

Live in the flesh.

The real deal.

D motherfucking madness.

We have a hell of an episode planned for you here tonight.

I'm very excited about it.

Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Seems like all the volume's coming from this side.

Is this side ready to start the fucking show?

Every single week, I book this show strategically myself, all by my fucking self.

And I have been excited very few times more than tonight.

For this is one of those nights where I knock off someone who I've wanted as a guest on this show since its inception 12 years ago.

Every Monday for 12 years, we've put out an episode and this man has never been on before.

One of the greatest comedians of all time.

Get on your fucking feet and make some noise for the great and powerful carrot talk.

There's nothing worse than an intro.

This is the best guy in the world.

Then you eat shit.

But we'll see.

Thanks for having me, man.

This is so beautiful.

We're going to have...

This mine?

I have two mics.

That's how important I am.

Absolutely.

They don't want to miss one word.

I've got two.

One man, two mics.

And one lighter.

Absolutely.

What a hot crowd.

You look good.

It's dark.

I can't see anybody, but you look good.

You look fantastic.

I look fucking great, actually.

I know.

We were talking before the show.

He's been working in Vegas for 30 years.

He's been doing comedy for 40 plus years.

Look at this fucking guy.

Thank you.

Turns out.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Great hair.

That's a good hair.

That's good hair right there.

We're going to have a lot of fun tonight, Carrot Top.

I'm so happy that you're here.

Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this

wild little bucket where anything can happen.

The whole show's improvised.

I'm going to let you...

It's like Rip Taylor's act right there.

Yeah.

Yeah, just to punch people fetties.

Yeah.

Nobody remembers that at all.

Oh, look at that.

That might have been the guy.

That's destiny right there.

That was the guy that was going to come up.

Look at that.

I love this guy.

Let's just do it.

Yeah, let's go with that one.

I'll let you pick the second one since I was going to anyway, this fear and loathing looking fucking guy right there.

I love it.

That'll be bucket pull number two.

We'll get these people all ready.

And I'm excited for you to see the show, Carrot Top.

When I pull a name out of a bucket, that means these people that had no idea they were going on stage get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then that interrupts them.

And I conduct an interview and we all talk about their lives together.

They go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast in absolutely no time at all.

Stars are made, idiots are discovered here on this bucket and they'll be getting feedback from the great carrot talk tonight.

Good, yeah, really.

Okay, just me.

Just what they want advice from me.

Yeah, all right.

It's gonna be great.

And kicking off the show, one of our greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show doing a brand new minute makes some goddamn noise for the one and only martin phillips everybody

cool yeah okay

Mother's Day just happened.

I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women

and spreading a holiday cheer.

You don't want to know what I do for Father's Day.

I went to Canada and

this Canadian guy told me, he came down here,

went to a gun range, and was so overwhelmed.

from shooting a gun he cried and i i just thought man it is gonna to be so easy to take over this country.

Oh, my God.

Dude, stick that out before you hurt yourself.

Stick to hockey.

I've used the gun.

I did not cry.

The person I shot at cried.

Okay.

Thank you.

You fucking nailed it.

You killed it so hard.

That was absolutely shocking.

Yeah.

Okay.

Unbelievable.

Carrot Top.

Oh, fucking brilliant.

Everything.

Everything you said was brilliant.

Funny man.

Really?

He does it all the time.

He comes out and

he wobbles his ass out here and he just fucking crushes harder than almost 99% of what we would consider the able-bodied people.

Well,

fair.

I'll take that.

Absolutely.

And

it very rarely has anything to do with his condition.

He's not like one of these guys that just is a one-note guy.

You're like a real comedian that just so happens to have cerebral palsy.

It gets tiresome after a while, you know.

You're like, we get it, you know.

We get it, you know.

I love it.

I love it.

And clearly, you make your own, you paint your own t-shirts.

That's incredible.

It's a cool shirt.

We were all black all the time.

Do you know any other color?

No.

You're really trying to make people think you're not gay.

Dark colour is dark colour.

D Madness is my stylist, and

I wear what he sees.

Okay.

Sick.

We trade off.

I dress D and he dresses me.

That's my motto.

It says that right above my closet, which I...

D looks like shit.

What?

How dare you?

That is not true.

That is not true.

You look fantastic, Dee.

Oh,

shit.

What a fight it would be.

Cerebral palsy versus completely blind.

That would be a

once he gets his hands on you, he will not let go.

He would play you like a fucking bass guitar.

I wanted me to correct you, that I have my statistics.

So she's dead.

She calls you Kiltoni.

She goes, tell Kill Tony, you have my steward history.

I was exactly you got it, my.

Oh.

I got it.

Sometimes I need a little translator over

my monitor.

Subtitles are hard for me.

I got it.

Yeah, that's good.

Beautiful.

How's everything else in life been lately?

It's been okay.

No.

Well, okay.

Not exactly a ringing endorsement of life.

Well,

my dog got out.

Your dog what?

He got out.

It got out.

He escaped?

My friend was watching it and

dog under the fence.

But I'm hoping, because this comes out like two weeks from now, I'm hoping we have him by the time.

So wait, wait, when did your dog escape?

It was this weekend.

Yeah, I had it.

Now, hey, Brian Walker.

I might have him in here.

Hold on.

Wait a second, Karatoff.

No.

Don't even join me.

I have everything but a dog prop.

I have everything but a dog.

He didn't joke about that.

That's not how my life is done.

Wait, I think I hear him in there.

Yeah, everything but a dog prop.

Fuck.

Oh, no, I had that.

No.

It's okay.

Stop.

Your daddy's here.

Your daddy's here.

Not funny.

What kind of dog is it?

It's gone.

What kind of dog was it?

Yeah, it's gone.

He doesn't know his dog.

Well, the breed's called a last

absolute.

It looks like a jihsu type thing.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, but

I'm hoping we have it.

Good news and bad news.

Good news is I'm going to hire someone to find your dog.

The bad news is it's D-Madness that I'm hiring as revenge.

Wow,

okay.

Sweet revenge will be D-Madnesses.

He's blind.

So his other senses are elevated.

Oh, that's true.

It'll be the first time where a man has sniffed out a dog.

This is incredible.

This could be really a historical moment.

Yeah.

Damn it, Martin.

I hope we find that goddamn dog.

You don't live near the freeway, do you?

I didn't...

No, I'm too close.

I don't know.

That doesn't sound good.

That is the sound of the bell tolling.

What was his name?

Andy.

Andy.

Oh, poor Andy.

R.I.P.

We're gonna find him.

He's gone.

He's gone.

I think, like, I heard sometimes, pigs get loose and they come back.

And it's like, well, bored, so maybe told me a fucking wolf.

Wow.

Yeah.

Pigs come back.

That's true.

Red man's here every Monday.

I love that the horn player played the actual song.

Oh, unbelievable.

Martin, you are the fucking man.

Way to get tonight's show started.

We love you.

Unbelievable.

Truly one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

That is the golden boy himself, Martin Phillips.

And this is the barber shit gets crazy, Carrot Top, because this is when we go to the buckets.

He was funny after his set.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's amazing.

He's a star.

Now we're going to the bucket now.

So we're meeting somebody.

They had no idea five minutes ago that they were going on stage.

They're going up after Martin Phillips.

Make some noise.

This is Kyle Roberts, everyone.

A minute interrupted from Kyle Roberts.

Hello.

I went to the dentist the other day.

I found out that I still have a baby tooth.

They did an x-ray.

There's an adult tooth that's trapped in my gums.

It hasn't come down yet.

I also have a huge cock still in my stomach that doesn't drop.

I'm hoping 2025 is my year.

I don't know if anyone here likes a finger in their ass.

Me too.

Thanks for asking.

I feel like a finger in the ass is kind of like having to take summer school to graduate.

It's kind of humiliating, but it's the only way I can finish.

Not good at dirty talk.

I realized that recently.

I'm not good at dirty talk.

My friend told me, he's like, whisper something sexy in her ear.

I tried that, didn't go great.

I was like, I'm having a hard time getting a boner right now.

Where's your glit?

Wake up.

All right.

Boom.

Kyle Roberts.

A stunning.

Kill Tony debut, correct?

I was on two years ago.

Oh, you're on two years ago?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

You're funny as hell.

Thank you.

You weren't that funny two years ago on the show, were you?

No, not at all.

I'd remember you if you were.

But look at you now.

You've been working hard?

At the gap.

No.

Yeah.

I can't fuck with people.

No, it's good.

You are correct.

That is a starter set of clothing.

This is straight off of a mannequin.

Yeah.

I didn't want to wear like distracting clothing.

Well, you played it just right, my friend.

Perfect.

We need Martin Phillips to draw a little something on there afterwards.

Give it a little color.

I love it.

So how long have you been doing stand-up?

Five years now.

Five years.

Where at all of it?

I started in Dallas.

I moved here about almost three years ago now.

Awesome.

What do you do for work?

I work at Chewy's Tex-Mex.

Ooh,

wow.

The crowd goes wild

for Chewy's Tex-Mex.

You're a waiter there?

I am, yes.

Okay.

You doing good?

You work in a lot of shifts?

Yeah, I usually work doubles

Friday, Saturday, if I don't have shows, and then a couple other...

You work mostly lunches so that your nights are free to do standards?

Yeah, I try to.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's fun.

That's a lot of fun.

We have some new items in the menu now.

Tell us about the new items on the menu.

We brought back pork.

We haven't had pork in a while.

Pork.

Macho burrito that has guacamole inside and as

hatched green chili sauce on the outside.

Oh my god.

It's fucking amazing.

Green chili rice is back.

I work with a macho pork burrito every week.

It's a red band.

Wow, I hit your shoulder and pubes started flying up in the air.

Look at that.

Little souvenir for you, sir.

You look like the, it looked like a great pube.

It could have been yours to begin with.

Look at this fucking guy right here.

Are you visiting from New York?

Dallas.

Oh, okay.

Well, geez, I guess I'm going to ask him.

No, why would you say that?

I'm from Dallas.

This fucking guy.

You look like a mobster.

What do you do for work?

Architect.

Kills people.

Wow.

Look at him.

He's got to look an architect.

Wait, I need to do something.

Hold on.

Yeah.

Here we go.

No, because because

he works at a...

Where were you working in?

Chewy something?

Chewy's text max, yeah.

Chewy text max.

I don't have a, see, I don't have a fucking, I only have a joke for sushi.

When you eat sushi, you do this, you look like you're really,

wow, look at that guy going with his chopsticks.

But I was hoping it was going to be a, now I can't turn it off.

The kids in the sweatshop make this shit for me.

I don't know.

I don't know how to operate them.

I just, they build them.

I come up with them and they build them.

But look at that, that took engineering.

Fucker, look at that shit.

That is unknown.

My dad worked at NASA.

This is what I got from him.

It's going to be the first time I have.

It's going to be so funny

in a half an hour when I ask somebody what they do for work and they're like, I work at a sushi restaurant.

You're going, fuck.

I wasted it on the Mexican restaurant, guy.

I got to find something Mexican.

Yeah.

I might.

Wait, I do have something.

Hold on.

Oh, I love this.

All right.

people misspell graffiti

this is so old I forgot the joke people misspell graffiti on walls all the time right so they should have hold on can I do

this my

so this is a a spray paint can that has a dictionary so they get it right and they do it

when they get done you're like the fuck

and you look

eat more posse wait the fuck wait no that's not no that's stupid well they're all stupid that fucking

my oh fuck yes.

This is exactly

what the fuck

I wanted to have.

I'll duct tape together.

Fuck.

That is...

It was a spray pink hand with a dictionary on it.

No, I'm sorry.

I had to.

I had to.

I had to.

I had to.

Do you have the Braille version?

Yeah, yeah.

I might, actually.

No, we'll.

Well, wait, well, wait.

Kyle.

Yeah, right.

Kyle, don't ask so many fucking questions.

So, what do you do for fun, Kyle?

Well, I have a lovely girlfriend.

We're about to move in.

Ooh, about to move in.

Have you lived with a girl before?

Well, I've stayed over at her apartment, but not before that.

Right, but you've never lived together.

You've stayed over a girl's house.

How old are you, Kyle?

How old am I?

Yes.

I'm 31.

31.

So this will be your first time living with a girl?

Yes.

Do you have any weird habits that you're kind of nervous about?

Do you have any weird habits?

Well, she doesn't sometimes like scream before I pee.

I don't know why, but.

Yeah.

Like, not like a blood curdling woman.

Just like, ah, like, do you not see people sigh?

You scream before you pee.

Yeah.

Wow.

In pain or just for fun?

It's just.

I really like, I don't know, I like peeing.

I don't know.

I'm just excited.

It's an excited scream.

Yeah.

Does it burn or something?

No.

You know, sometimes.

This is incredible.

So you scream before you pee.

How about when you stay at her place?

Have you noticed anything weird about her?

Does she have, you know, any weird

stand out to you?

Women can be, you know, I mean,

just from my experience, they can make the bathroom a little messy.

They put their shit everywhere.

Are you ready to have an actual female roommate?

I think so.

I mean, we spend a lot of time together.

Yeah.

Is she alive?

While we are answering these questions,

right now she's working on it.

We spend a lot of time together.

She pretty much does whatever I want her to do.

Everyone's consenting, yes.

Oh, fuck.

Incredible.

What does she do for work?

She works at Chewy's.

Yeah, she works at Chewie's.

That's how we met.

It's a Chewy's love story.

She's the manager.

I love it.

Incredible.

Man, do you have any pets or anything?

She has a cat.

She has a cat.

So you're going to be living with a cat, too.

Yeah.

How do you feel about this?

You excited?

I mean, I usually just forget it's there when like...

Does the cat like you?

Have you seen a lost dog?

We've been looking for a dog.

There's a cat.

Now we're looking for a dog.

I have a cat.

Joke?

No, I don't.

This is incredible.

So it's going to to be your first time living with a girl.

You're excited.

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

You seem like a real creepozoid.

So I'm excited to find out.

Is there something I'm right?

I come every time.

I just try to make up for a lack of talent, maybe, with just enthusiasm, you know?

Yeah, if you scream before you pee, I can't imagine what you do before you come.

Fuck.

He probably.

I was saying he's a sound sound effect guy when he needs you in the room when he's

on.

What would it be?

What would the sound effect?

What would it be right before you come?

Oh!

Okay, all right.

Kyle Roberts, a hell of a performance.

Fucking fantastic.

Very funny.

Loved to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Wow, there you go.

He's booked.

Here's the big joke, Bob.

Kyle Roberts.

Awesome, man.

I realize that I have an open wound on my hand.

We're playing drums a little bit already.

Oh, we have matching open wounds.

Bloodbrothers.

Oh, it's the lovely Heidi.

Oh, my goodness.

What a special treat.

Sorry.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie Sober, he's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

All right, this looks like a new name coming out of the bucket.

So we're gonna meet them all together and make some noise for Jackson Rock, everyone.

It's time for Jackson Rock

I love cougars

and cougars love me

give it up for the cougars y'all yeah

I love a woman who's not afraid to take away my Xbox

My first experience with a cougar was with a 48-year-old woman named Mrs.

Lawrence.

Mrs.

Lawrence made love to each and every one of the dudes in my friend group.

When it came to be my turn, I only lasted about two minutes,

which is not bad for a 13-year-old.

When her son found out,

he was so

jealous.

Now,

I'm just going to say what's on everyone's mind.

The homeless people in Austin,

not all of them,

but some of them, I would have sex with.

Thank you.

Okay.

Wow, there it is.

Jackson Rock with an absolutely frightening set.

Pretty sure he admitted to about two or three felonies in 60 seconds.

Wow, Jackson, how long you been doing stand-up?

It's my first time ever telling you.

Wow, okay.

How old are you?

I'm 26.

26.

How many times have you signed up for the show?

I signed up once back in like October 2023.

And this is your second time, October 2023?

Yeah.

And you haven't signed up since then?

No.

This is your second time.

And you decided in between October 2023 and now to not practice anywhere whatsoever.

Your thought was I'll just go in there, come out guns ablaze and looking like an out-of-work magician,

and I'm just gonna take over the scene by storm.

Just had to say fuck it, dude.

Okay.

All right.

What makes you think homeless people would want to have sex with you?

They tend to

that.

Really good sense of humor.

You got a home.

You could.

We don't know that for a fact.

Do you have a home, Jackson?

I do have a home.

What is it like?

Well, actually, I'm crashing on a couch right now because my leash just ended.

Listen, listen.

My lease just ended, but I'm looking for a new place, a new room in the situation.

So you're homeless.

Took us a long time to get there.

We went around and around and around.

And turns out you are just as homeless as a homeless person.

I'm finding out about myself right now, Tony.

Indeed.

So what's your plan?

What do you do for work?

I do a couple things.

Service industry, and then I also do solo.

Solo gigs?

Yeah, like playing guitar, playing a mix of covers and originals.

Oh my goodness.

Really?

And you make money doing that?

Yeah, I had one yesterday.

You made money yesterday?

Yeah, man.

Where at?

Over in Bassdrop.

Okay.

Yeah.

The locals are cracking up right now.

Bastrop!

That is.

That is, for those of you that don't know, around the world, Bassdrop is about, what is it, 45 minutes away?

About 30?

Yeah.

Sure.

Sure.

On the bird scooter, the ear driving, I'm guessing it's 45.

That's hilarious.

Oh, my goodness.

And you're out there, they hired you for that gig?

Yeah, ma'am.

And you go by the name Jackson Rock?

Jackson Rock.

What place did you perform at in Bass Drop?

It's a place called Gracie's.

Gracie's?

Yeah.

And how did it go?

How many people were there?

Man, it's a restaurant, so it was like Mother's Day gig, and it was fun.

I mean, people were nice.

I played my game.

Did you see that same set?

That's hilarious.

It killed, dude.

13-year-old or a soldier.

People are like, this is the worst Mother's Day restaurant meal I've ever had.

Yeah, this is great.

I'll be back on Father's Day.

I love it.

Jackson,

what's your best original, you think?

What's the name of that?

What's it about?

I have one that a lot of people like called Jim Beam.

Jim Beam.

Yeah.

And that's about drinking Jim Beam?

It's about a homosexual relationship with Jim Beam.

I love this idea.

I love this idea.

Sean Greenberg.

Is there any wait, we have an actual is that thing tuned?

It is?

Okay, Heidi, can you bring out the Kill Tony official guitar?

I want to see.

Oh, look, she was ready.

You know, she is.

She is as smart as she is stunning.

A lot of people wouldn't guess that.

A lot of people that just watched the show would probably guess she's a real fucking bag of rocks.

But I'm telling you, she's a genius.

She has the best spirit she's fun to hang out with she's always listening paying attention and she's got a big card she has a big beautiful giant oh shit look Rick Springfield everybody all right so you're gonna sing it and you're gonna play it right and you're sure it's an original right because we can't set off the YouTube

algorithm music thing or else we have to pay whoever the fuck actually wrote the song that you're doing

absurd you got it I got it you nervous sweet home money it's just like playing at Gracie's in Bass Drop, except there's just

another few more million people watching.

Give us a spotlight, Kino.

And here he is, making his Kill Tony music debut with his hit song all the way from Bass Drop.

This is Jackson Rock playing Jim Bean.

There's a man

who always treats me right.

He holds my doors, he never snores, he helps me sleep at night.

There's a man

who changed my life the first time that he kissed my lips.

He never bit,

he's always in my dreams.

His name is Jim Bain.

He's all been a friend of me.

I've never seen him liar cheat.

champagne

has all been a friend for me.

Little strain of lion cheap.

Try to fold the street.

We always pays my bill and buys me we.

All right.

Jackson Rock.

Turns out you're a fucking musician, Jackson.

Solid ending.

Yeah.

That was great, man.

Absolutely.

You're also gay, Jackson.

I don't know if you noticed that.

No, I'm not.

Yeah.

And I'm not.

I'm not.

It's like a, what's that?

It's just a tendency.

It's a tendency.

Not a gay.

It's just a tendency.

It's not a gay.

Once you're, it's not my joke.

It's not my joke.

It's a Louis C.

Keys joke.

It's sucking a cock.

He's like, it's like, something about that.

And then he says, once you've got your hand on it, you're committed.

It's a fucking...

It's a cock in your mouth.

Jackson, you say you're not gay, but let me ask you this.

What's the gayest thing you've ever done, Jackson?

I spooned with one of my homies one time.

Okay.

I love that.

That's very honest.

It was a very quick answer.

I love that.

What was the circumstances of the spooning?

You guys were just in the mood?

We were just bulling, just hanging out.

You were what?

We were just hanging out.

What did you say the bullin?

Bullin'?

Boolin'.

Bulling?

I'm from Atlanta.

It's like Atlanta slang.

What does that mean, bullin?

Like

ballin', but chillin, but

but oh, you're gay.

Between yeah, between bowling and getting word from the officials.

It's a mixture of bowling and balling.

After review of the play.

Can I do my I have a joke?

I have a prop.

I have a prop.

I have a prop.

Oh, let's go.

It's a, it's a, it's a mousetrap to get gay mice, see?

The classic.

The classic.

The classic.

I mean,

God, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

That's a classic.

You're awesome.

Yeah.

I am very, I have no fucking life.

That's what I am.

You get to duct tape things together and become a multi-millionaire?

This is incredible.

What an art form it is.

You are awesome.

I really did find, I found a mousetrap at Home Depot and then I found a mirror ball and I was like, well there's got to be a fucking joke and

the lady ringing me up was like is this going to be one of your jokes?

I said yeah it's a gay mousetrap and she's like it's great.

I said it's going to fucking kill

going to be great on

great.

So fucking cool.

Sorry.

This is awesome.

Set me up though.

I had a good one.

I was like, I haven't seen him.

I love it.

That's true.

I could tell he's drawn to the disco ball.

I can see what he's looking at.

I know.

Somebody wants the cheese, cheese, huh?

Yeah.

Jackson,

so is this

what you want to do?

Is stand-up something you want to do, or did you just want to come on Keltoni one time?

I just had to, I feel like it should be a rite of passage in Austin.

What do you mean exactly?

I don't know.

I moved here and I'm a fan of the show and

it scared the shit out of me to sign up and I like to do things that scare me.

Right, like hook up with a woman.

Ah, you're too quick.

I was ready.

Well, Jackson, congratulations.

Here's a little joke book.

You did it.

The lovely Heidi's gonna help you with that guitar.

I just saw his penis go flaccid when he looked at Heidi.

His penis went extra soft.

Oh shit, look at this little...

Look at this little sneaky cholo trying to go to the bathroom.

Look at this fucking guy.

Look at you, dude.

I love it.

All right.

Oh, man.

We're having fun.

This is fun.

How about a hand for Carrotop?

We're having fucking fun here tonight.

Already fucking

making his claim for possible guest of the year 2025.

Halfway through the show.

Make some notes for your next bucket pull.

It's Molly McGee, everybody.

Molly McGee.

Hi.

I'm new here.

I recently escaped California with my son's genitals still intact.

He said, Mommy, am I a boy or a girl?

I said, Toddley, are you a boy?

But you're a cowboy.

But beware, pew, pack of shit.

Moving to Texas.

I would love my child no matter what.

But if he's trans, I'll say the same thing about his penis.

I say every time he wants me to get him a puppy.

You're going to have to keep it and take care of it till it's fully grown.

Then you could decide if it's not cute anymore and you want to get rid of it.

I'll support that.

He's not trans, though.

He's just regular autistic.

It took a long time to get him diagnosed too because he's good looking enough to everybody just assumed he was an asshole this whole time.

When he was really little, doctors were worried that he might be mentally retarded.

Yeah, they didn't call it that though.

They called it starting to look like his father.

It was only because they were both bald and chubby and drank from a bottle so they shit and piss themselves.

My son grew out of it.

Thank you.

Wow.

Molly McGee, welcome.

That was a fantastic set.

Hell yeah.

Oh my god.

What did you just say?

I just said, oh my God, hi.

Because we don't get to know who the guest we don't get to know who the guest is till we come out.

And this is the iconic carrot Tony.

Are you saying hi to me?

I thought you said hi to Tony.

Is it Tony, right?

Let's fucking go.

I love this.

Molly McGee, this is an unbelievably great minute.

I guess I'm just surprised.

We've had, not to be sexist, but the female comedians as of late, especially the last month or so, it's been real rough.

So my expectations when you came out were very low.

And your stuff is topical.

It seems real to you.

Is that all kind of true?

Absolutely true.

Well, I've done okay.

Come and see it.

Yeah, that's the.

What's your name again?

I'm looking for another vision.

I have another gay joke somewhere in here.

It's a good one.

It's a good one.

I'm excited about it.

Sorry, do your.

Molly, how long have you been on stand-up?

Eight years.

Well, four, and then I took took four years off and I've been back reporting.

In California?

Yes.

Northern?

Yeah, kind of Central Valley.

Okay.

Stockton.

Yes, we know Stockton well.

We are friends with the Diaz brothers.

Yeah.

209.

You have a 209 area code?

Yes.

Absolutely.

There you go.

And what do you do for how long have you been here in Texas?

A little over a year.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

I'm a disabled veteran.

You're a disabled veteran?

Holy shit.

You are cool as fuck.

No, Red Band.

No.

Red Band likes to go to disabled veteran female strip clubs and watch them roll around.

That's high.

God.

You get a discount if they have less limbs than a normal stripper at the disabled veteran strip club.

It's called the Camouflage Rose.

It's in bass drop for those of you that don't know.

So, Molly McGee, what branch of the military were you in?

Air Force.

Okay.

Wow.

And what did you do there?

I was a dental assistant.

Like the least cool military thing you could do.

Wow.

And how did you become disabled?

Oh, I was assaulted and I had my head slammed into a cement wall repeatedly.

Oh, my God.

Are you glad you asked now?

Yeah.

Was this an Iraqi soldier or an American?

Oh, it was American.

He was in San Francisco.

Yeah, one of them was a cop.

One of them was a cop.

A military cop.

A military cop.

Off duty.

Off duty.

What made him slam your head at you?

It was three females.

Wait,

they were females.

Yeah.

And what made them do that to you?

Can I ask that?

Is that a crazy question?

Well,

it's an improvised show.

Okay, well, they started it.

Nice.

Okay, I love this.

But

I went for it.

I bet you did.

Yeah, I did pretty good.

I mean, other than the permanent brain damage and amnesia disorder, I should have seen the other guy, you know?

What was the second thing, amnesia?

Amnesia disorder.

What is that?

What exactly?

How does that happen?

How does she remember doing what her joke she did?

I don't remember the question.

Right.

So is that like short-term, long-term memory loss?

It's a little bit of both.

Like, I have some things long-term I just cannot remember.

And then sometimes I have little episodes where like I'll forget like everything for like a couple minutes or sometimes I'll forget categories.

Like I'll be doing the dishes and realize an oven mid is in the water too like because i put it in with the dishes oh like i have it's just really bizarre it's just kind of bizarre amazing incredible so you all forget how i know somebody like one time i totally forgot that someone was my cousin

thank god that didn't go

right

i could have went a lot

wow how cool

you're amazing this is incredible you're so funny how old's your kid he's 11.

so you really did get him out of california at the right time shit is going a little wackadoodle dandy out there, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's wild.

I love it.

So how do you like Austin?

What do you do for fun here?

Well, so I live near New Brunfel.

So I'm like right between here and San Antonio.

So I can do comedy either direction.

And I love it.

I like it over there.

It's chill.

Yeah.

I'm like a small town

kind of girl.

You have a boyfriend?

Nope.

Are you sure?

Do you just not remember him right now?

Yeah.

I don't know.

He's watching the show, like, what the fuck?

I mean, I could use that if I ever

hit the nice lady button.

You ever forget about me again?

You're going back in the cement wall.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, oh, come on.

Too soon.

I have a fun fact about me.

Yes, let's do it.

I also do comedy songs, too.

Oh, my God.

Do you play guitar or you just go solo?

I play guitar and I have it somewhere.

They have it in the back.

You brought a guitar?

Heidi.

Oh my God.

What a special fucking.

What a special treat this is.

How many times have you signed up for the show?

Tons.

Tons.

Tons.

Can you give me a ballpark since you got

almost every time?

10 or 15.

I mean, I have an amnesia disorder, so let's say

you are correct.

Does that sound like a good number?

This is your first time.

Do you always bring the guitar when you sign up?

Yes.

Okay.

I love this thing, Ralm.

I love it.

Do you have a name for your guitar?

Caratop.

Amnesia Jenkins.

Amnesia Jenkins.

All right.

Well, this is.

I didn't want to bring it out because I don't want to be presumptuous.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

We just heard your brainwaves on the microphone there for a second.

Ladies and gentlemen, what's the song you're going to play for us?

It's an original, right?

Because we can't do covers.

What's it called?

It's called Jack Daniels.

I love it.

He set me up.

He set me up.

So, it's kind of important.

It's,

hi.

So,

I have a lazy eyelid.

And a lot of you may not realize this, but the lazy eyelided community is very underrepresented in Hollywood.

There's really only one reason for that, which is we've had a megastar on top for several decades who stopped at nothing to hold the rest of us back.

That ends today.

Forrest Whitaker.

Spotlight.

I'm Whittier, and I'm

your nemesis.

Forrest Whitaker.

When I was a little girl, I used to get bullied for having a lazy eyelid.

They called me Quasimodo.

Sloth from Goonies.

Rocky, after the fight.

And I used to cry the whole way home, and then I'd be happy because I'd turn the TV and there was my hero.

Lisa Left Eye from TLC.

She used to celebrate having a lazy eyelid, but then she died of unnatural and unexpected circumstances.

Rest in peace.

Legally, I'm not saying Forrest Whitaker had a thing to do with it.

I'm just saying it's pretty freaking convenience.

At Forrest Whitaker, you think we didn't notice that Biggie Smalls was part of the lazy eyelid community?

Was.

They never did find his killer, did they?

It's almost as if the detective was so close to the case he couldn't see the forest through the trees

not even

with two good eyes

how many children won't be oppressed anymore when you fall when you fall

how many lazy-eyed stars will be born when you fall

when you fall

Forrecker!

You had the chance to show the world.

It's not just you.

There's more of us out here.

We're talented.

We could do things.

Instead, he's out here acolyte.

Y'all need him to normalize.

Normal eyes.

Also known as iTypical.

And Forrest Whitaker,

seen you waltzing around the Star Wars universe in Rogue One,

trying to send us a message.

And you're gonna be the only one in the future with a lazy island.

Clearly, he wants total annihilation.

But not on my watch.

It's a long song.

Not even

with two good eyes.

How many children won't be

oppressed anymore

when you fall?

When you fall

when you fall,

I'm your nemesis.

Your moo, Forrest Whitaker, your moo.

Wow, Molly, Mickey.

Molly, you are cool as shit.

Song's a little long, a little pink Floyd-esque.

I didn't realize that.

This Melon Camp song is like,

yeah.

She was like, shine on you, crazy eyelids over here.

It's like a 14-minute long fucking

start slow, goes back to the chorus twice.

Whitaker's passed, by the way.

Yeah.

If a song falls in the forest, Whitaker.

All right.

In my defense, that was after several decades of oppression.

So that's a long side.

I get it.

You think your eyelids are lazy?

You should see D-Madness's actual eyeballs.

They are the laziest eyeballs.

They've done nothing his entire life.

That song's called Run, Forest, Run.

Just everybody.

Amazing.

You are such a cool person.

I love your style, Molly McGee.

You're leaving here with the big joke books.

Write another minute.

Come up, sign up again, okay?

There you go.

She caught it.

Molly McGee, everybody.

Good job.

How fun.

Two musical guests in a row.

Plowing through it.

Oh, wait, it's time for a prop.

Let's do it.

Carrot Top's got a little sense.

Here we go.

When you go to a bar, right?

When you go to a bar, you can't see who you're hitting on, right?

Because it's dark.

So it's a beer that has a light built into it.

You kind of scope it out before you.

And look, it's it.

And there's two jokes.

Look, it's a bud light.

Ah, fuck.

Oh.

Look at that shit.

That road itself.

Bud Light.

Maybe there's another one.

This is

amazing.

I don't know if you guys all smoke the same pot that I've done.

This is a dumb one.

This is a dumb one.

This is a pacifier for ugly babies.

Come on, gun.

But it's dumb.

I mean, they're not all clever, at least.

Oh, they polished shit.

You know how much it costs to fly this shit here, too, by the way?

Seriously?

They had to go through it.

Like, what the fuck is a dildo on a thing?

I'm like, it's, oh, it's Carrotop.

That's okay.

That is.

They really go through it.

Yeah.

I'm like, it's a gay mousetrap.

Have you run into problems?

I guess you're mostly in Vegas, but like, has that ever been an issue flying with your wild stuff?

Yeah, I was going,

people are too young to remember Regis and Kathy Lee.

And I was doing the show, and I was on a flight, and this is great, the same exact trunk.

It has flowers all over it, and I'm on this trunk, and I plane, I said to the woman, I'm doing this live show.

Could you make sure the trunk gets it on?

Because I'm going to go live like tonight.

And they said, oh, no, we got it.

We got it.

We got it.

We got it.

We got it.

We do it.

And we get on the plane.

I look out the window.

It's like four in the morning.

And I see this trunk going on the bed of another airplane.

Oh, okay.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

And I said to them, that's my shit.

And they go, no.

I said, well, unless Donnie and Marie are on the other fucking flight.

There's like a box full of fucking shit.

So

they got it from me just in time.

Just in time to do, you know, on Regis and Kathy Lee, you know, a plate for bulimics.

I mean, you know.

Oh,

my God.

You can eat and eat and

be politically incorrect tonight.

So

I'm bringing all my dark carrot top shit.

I love it.

I love it.

You guys are, by the way, the best record.

You're the best.

This is fun.

This is fucking awesome.

This is so fun, man.

Everybody that's on her is so fun.

Yeah.

You guys having fucking fun out there?

This band is unbelievable.

Seriously, we're having a ball.

You're doing okay.

The band on it.

All right, let's get back to this bucket.

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We're going to meet another comedian.

Make some noise one minute uninterrupted for Jordan Gilpin, everybody.

All right, Jordan.

Jordan!

Hey, everybody.

I know you're thinking, and yes, it's true, I do have bicycles on my wall in my living room as our decoration

yes I do I recently took a 23andMe and

found out I'm 25% gay that's right I had a gay grandpa

sometimes with the long deliverer a quote doesn't really work the right way right I went by a crystal shop really inspiring quote it said It's a great thing to think that your best days are still ahead of you.

But told by Ann Frank,

maybe they were talking about reincarnation.

Guys,

it's kind of weird.

Family, yeah, that's right.

They're crystals, right?

They can see the future, but they can't Google the past.

Yeah.

My sister is in a thruple

with my.

I like that one guy, one guy thrupple.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

In a thrupple with her husband and my mom.

Yeah.

She came to visit once eight years ago, and she's still there doing the laundry and raising the kids.

All right, all right, Jordan Gilpin.

Went a little too long there.

I like that first joke, but I would have said, what do you say, 25% gay?

And you pause and say, okay, 90.

You know, something like,

because, I mean, Gil again, come on.

Yeah.

This is an incredible joke.

Oh, but that was funny.

Fucking love it.

I have those same shorts.

Yeah.

I feel bad.

I really tire.

I really have the same legs.

We have the same legs.

Look at that.

Except I shave mine, so it look makes my dick look leaner.

Jordan, it is quite the outfit.

I'm glad you took a break from renting tourist kayaks to come do stand-up here tonight.

How long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Seriously, for four months, and I've been riding for about a year and a half.

Nice.

Okay.

So you wrote from.

You're clearing the room.

Look.

Yeah.

Good job.

People are going in.

Only Rickles did that.

Stick around.

So, Jordan, what do you do for work?

I work at OpenCloud.

Please say rent kayaks.

What is it?

I work at a barbecue restaurant.

Okay.

You want to give them a shout out?

Yeah, I work at Franklin.

Okay.

Yeah.

That is one of the bigger ones here.

What do you do at the barbecue restaurant?

So

I was hired as a cutter, but I haven't got there yet.

It's a very strenuous training process when you work for one one of the most famous barbecue places in the world.

How long have you worked there without getting to cut?

Hired as a cutter.

You haven't gotten to cut the meats?

Yeah, I haven't got there.

You got a knife?

Yeah.

Yeah, I haven't touched a knife since I started.

It was March 1st, I think, was my first day.

Yeah.

Wow.

You know, two and a half months ago.

Yeah.

First day.

First day.

They gave me that.

Yeah, yeah.

So what do they have you doing?

If you were hired as a cutter and you haven't gotten to cut the meats yet, what exactly are you doing at work?

Yeah, so the first two weeks, I was what they call the line position.

So you talk to everybody in line and ask them what you want and you tally their meat numbers.

Have you been there?

Michael, relax over there.

Can we keep them over here?

Jesus, cry what do you have in your own side conversations?

Where you're cracking up at the number thing.

Relax over there, Michael.

Yeah, so I call it the glorified Chick-fil-A person.

Yeah.

Because you're going down the line, you're like expectation manager.

And so once you sell your 20 pounds of turkey for the day, nobody else is, you can't guarantee turkey.

So if like somebody's got their heart set, you know, waiting three hours in line, it's like, sorry, I'm out of ribs.

So they'll got to try tomorrow.

So you got to sweet talk them out of it.

Yeah.

Okay, so let's do a little thing.

Let's do a little, give me a little barbecue music.

And I'm going through the line here at the barbecue restaurant, and I've been waiting in line for hours.

And here we go.

God, I love the barbecue music here.

Oh, I'm finally up in line.

Oh, hey, how are you?

What's can I get some food?

Hey, yeah, welcome to Franklin, guys.

Have you ever been here before?

Uh, no.

Cool.

So let me tell you, so I got uh, I got brisket available.

We have our uh our

pork spare ribs.

We have pulled pork.

We have turkey and we have our house sausage and our jalapeno cheddar sausage.

I'm in the mood for ribs.

Do you have ribs?

I do have ribs.

Oh, when you're supposed to be out of ribs.

I want to find out what it's like when you're out of something.

I'm sorry.

You have all that stuff, but I'm really here for the ribs.

I've been waiting all day for ribs.

So I can't guarantee you ribs,

but my guarantee is in the pink sweater about 20 people ahead of you.

So once she gets up to the front, I'll come back to you and I'll let you know if I still have some.

If you're lucky, you can have them.

I can't mark you down for them, but if you have them, you can grab them.

Huh?

I like them.

What a fucked up system.

Let's go regular lighting here.

I just figured out what

you do.

That is so interesting so they're deep in the line when you talk to them yes and they're starving yeah and they've been waiting for hours yeah and you just come up to them are you dressed like that when you go up to these hungry angry starving people just hello

like the lady in the pink sweater is gonna eat what she wants

best of fucking luck to you I can't guarantee anything.

What the fuck?

That's just, what's the angriest somebody's gotten at this part with you?

Has it happened yet?

Has there been like, come on, man.

Not too many people.

You get a lot of bribes.

There was an angry lady who didn't understand that she couldn't just reserve a table for two hours while they waited in line.

A liberal, am I correct?

Liberal vibes, purple hair?

No, she was like suburban San Antonio.

So I think she was like, you know, she was a country club kind of person.

She didn't realize why they couldn't just like, you know, bribe me $100 to skip the line.

Right.

Is that the most you've been bribed?

No, I mean, she didn't like,

but I mean, people will ask if they could.

What's the highest you've been offered?

Me personally,

I haven't been offered, but I know people have.

Yeah, you don't look like you would even, you look like you would just take the money.

They'll give me a sandwich, you know?

Is it Frank's?

I'll give off more of that vibe.

Yeah.

It's a good barbecue joint do you try any of the other barbecue do you eat barbecue i do i do yeah so have you tried the competition yes um some of them i uh i i really like leroy and lewis and interstellar um kg i tried a few uh a few months ago that's really good you don't even say the tb word do you

scared of tb aren't you well okay no it terry box is funny because it's always the one that people go to first when they come to town and uh and then they come to us when like they really have time to dedicate to it um but but i would say like everybody's like surprised when they're like oh wait like we went to terry box and this is way better let's go to our senior barbecue correspondent brian red band

is it true that you go through the line though to ask what people are getting before the the restaurants even open though so you're almost like creating this weird like you know like like people can't get anything no matter what he's he's gonna think of a better question in just a moment

yeah that's what we just described yeah

but you do it before the restaurants even open though why don't you just not make enough yeah so we open up the restaurant at 11 and we start talking to people in line at like 8 30 9 o'clock

so by the time we open at 11 like we already know like who's gonna you know be guaranteed beef ribs or pork ribs.

Beef ribs are only on Friday, Saturdays, Sundays.

So you gotta show up early for those.

I like that.

Yeah.

It's a business.

You know, when we were comics, we'd order dominoes, right?

And then we'd order Pizza Hut.

We'd make both people eat their other thing.

We'd film Pizza Hut eating dominoes and dominoes eating pizza.

And they were like, no, we can't do that.

We'd videotape them, and then they got fired from eating.

Literally,

they wouldn't eat the competition.

I eat the competition.

Incredible.

Wait, I have something for this.

Hold on.

Oh, okay.

I love those.

Carrot top.

One into the...

These are good.

I got to stand up for this one because they're only because you're wearing those goddamn things.

Well, you know, it's hot looking awesome.

Wait,

they're skinny jeans for fat guys.

See, that way.

See, when you wear them, you're like, you look so lean.

Fucking retired, isn't it?

This is the.

I mean, I'm retired.

You can't say that word anymore.

This is the best.

Show and tell with liquor.

I love it.

Hell yeah.

All right, Jordan.

Well,

fun times, my friend.

Good interview.

Good insight into the barbecue world of Austin, Texas.

There's a little joke book.

Thank you all.

There he goes, Jordan Gilfin, everybody.

And it's a perfect time to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the show's history, everyone.

Ladies and gentlemen, a juggernaut, an absolute superstar flying through the cosmos at a billion miles an hour.

I present to you truly who I believe is the top young rising comedian in the world.

Make some goddamn noise.

This is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson.

Yeah.

Real shit, I have uh it's weird.

I have one gay friend.

One, only one

I think if you're a straight man and you have more than one gay friend, nigga, you gay.

That's what I think.

I think they plotting on you and they're going to get you in a dark room and fuck you in the ass.

That's what I feel like.

That's what's going to happen, brother.

Watch your bumper.

They on your ass, nigga, literally.

They're going to put a dick in it.

And

I got one gay friend.

I got one.

I grew up with him my whole life.

His name is Tyrone.

I'm not going to say his last name.

I got to be disrespectful.

His name is Tyrone Jones.

And Tyrone,

he lived two doors down to me my whole life.

And when he came out as gay it made me upset now listen I wasn't I wasn't angry because he was gay I was angry because we did things together that two men should not do if one of them is gay

we did a lot together we played basketball together we played football together me and Tyrone fucked the bitch together you understand me

we was in the 11th grade we was at his grandma house it was 12 o'clock at night on school night on Tuesday dog I was fucking her friend the back.

She was right here.

Tyrone was fucking her face, man.

Yeah.

And we was high five and this shit like this.

A good old-fashioned Eiffel Tower, dog.

That's a great court memory for two straight young men.

When one of them become gay, that's a totally different memory, dog.

And when it came out, he was like, I want everybody to know, bro, I'm gay, and I like men.

I was like, listen, I'm a homeboy, like, listen, bro, we don't care.

We love you, bro.

We still love you.

I was like, wait a minute, bitch.

I got questions.

We fucked a bitch together.

What do you mean you not gay?

What do you mean you gay?

And he looked at me whip

You know how I stayed hard the whole time

and I went home and I cried that night to understand me

Fuck yes Cam Patterson with the brand new minute

And there it is another new minute

you've been doing comedy for a long time right?

Oh Oh, four years.

No, because you're good.

Thank you, man.

I really appreciate that, bro.

Solid.

Hell yeah.

Thank you, man.

Solid.

That's love.

Sorry about my stupid dreads.

Sorry about my dad.

He'll stop me and like, what the fuck?

I'm trying.

I fuck with them, nigga.

They nice.

Hell yeah.

I like them.

Hell yeah.

There's a lot going on, but I like it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Not bad.

Nigga, you care top.

Live your life, brother.

Have a good time.

Hell yeah.

Good.

Great, man.

Hell yeah.

Do what you want to do, nigga.

All right.

Probably is has the same hair as Tyrone Drawls.

Is that his name?

Ah, fucking nice.

Drawls?

Nah, Jones.

I said Jones.

Jones?

I don't talk good.

Oh, okay.

I don't talk great.

That's a fake name, though.

I'm not going to say his real name.

Okay, good.

That's nice.

That's good.

That's nice of you.

People might not know who their gay black friend is.

That's a great joke, though.

It's a fucking great joke.

It was.

That is.

It's incredible.

But it wasn't a joke.

It really fucking happened.

Yeah, no.

See, that's what I'm on thinking there.

I actually hate it.

I do not like that story at all.

That's fucking funny.

It was some old shit I had.

I had an old joke like that.

At one point, we were playing basketball, but the real story was we fucked a bitch together, and I was very angry about that.

Yeah.

And he was looking at you the whole time.

Yeah.

That made me angry.

I was like, wait a minute, bitch.

Yep.

Fuck you got going on, man.

He probably never even looked at her.

He was just staring at you.

This nigga doing great.

He's doing phenomenal phenomenal right now.

I love it, Cam.

What's been going on in life?

Anything crazy?

Shit, nothing, man.

Just running around doing shows, you know what I'm saying?

On the road, having a good time.

I was on a movie set recently, and

I got there a little early.

That's like on the beach.

It was like, we had food and shit.

And

it was a police officer that was on the beach, like watching this set.

And I was getting food.

And he came back.

I was like, hey, man.

Stop grabbing the food from the movie set.

And I was like,

I'm on the movie.

He was like, no, you not.

And I said, I am.

And he went, but show me some papers.

I said, what?

Papers.

You would have movie papers if you was on the set.

And I was mad because he was Mexican.

So I was like, bitch, show me some papers, nigga.

Yeah.

Show me some goddamn papers, you jacket.

Fucking great.

Ah, shit.

Oh, man.

That was brilliant.

Shit, pissed me off.

He cool, though.

He a good guy though.

He cool now.

We're good.

And maybe it felt worse.

I had watermelon in my hand.

I was like, it was bad.

It was a bad look for all my people.

It looked detailed for all black people around the country.

Oh, it looked really bad.

All those options that are on a movie set that you could possibly eat and you just had a plate of watermelon.

It was good, bro.

I ain't going to hooze it.

It feels weird being black.

I like watermelon, but it's like, damn, I can't really eat it and pull it like that.

But but if i had to eat it i look crazier you know what i'm saying i can't duck around corners and eat watermen like this that look insane so i gotta eat it and pull it but it's like eat

get a white juice also like damn i can't eat watermelon by myself nigga

carrot top you got a prop for this

you can't talk that

brilliant no i don't have shit that would top that

no no

jesus amazing I have another gay joke.

Hold on.

Oh, we love that.

That is good.

I broke it.

It's a hold on.

Fuck.

It's a piggy bank for gay guys.

It ain't gay a fault.

No.

That's you with them playing basketball.

You hear me, guy?

I love it.

You're funny.

Hey, you too.

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I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone.

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Cam, you're a fucking superstar.

We're going to get back to the bucket.

He's done it again, folks.

That's it.

Right in the middle of a show.

Great.

Great.

Superstar.

Cam motherfucking Patterson.

He is something else.

There's never been anything like it.

Someone like him writing and performing a new minute every week while putting it together.

The long, long sets that he does on the road.

And somehow kicking out a new minute every week on this show.

This looks like a familiar name coming back out of the bucket for the first time in a while.

Make some noise.

A new minute from Jake Coulter, everyone.

Jake Coulter.

So, did anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal because that's how you create supreme beings?

Like,

Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves.

Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs.

Flushing your cum down the toilet

sends it to the ocean, getting fish pregnant, creating mermaids.

But see, I'm go-able and white trash.

So the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I seen on TV, I was like, yep, those gotta be my daughters.

And,

like,

I've seen the little mermaid, so obviously, my next move was to go get some scuba shit so I could find some Octobitch, somehow convince her to use her magic to take my new kids' voices away before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad.

Now I get charged with bestiality.

there it is all the way to the limit Jake Coulter

welcome back Jake thank you thank you I remember you oh I hope that's a good thing do you remember do you remember Tony oh yes for sure

Jake remind us how long you've been doing the stand-up

I hit a year in September so about a year and a half now okay year and a half remind me what happened last time you were on it was something kind of epic right I remember a big moment happening with you you thought I was retarded that's right that's right

that's right

but in an unbelievable twist you're not

what is your condition uh I don't think I have one besides like

social anxiety okay

All right.

I mean, like, I could put my foot over my head.

I don't know if that's a good idea.

You can put your foot over your head?

Huh?

Let's see that.

I mean we gotta see.

Wow

Wow.

That is incredible.

Now do but do both.

Do both.

Can you do both?

No no no.

It's nothing then.

I'm sorry.

Incredible Jake.

Okay.

If you did both, we might have a prize for you.

What do you do for work, Jake?

I just started at HEB.

Oh, nice.

The best.

The absolute best.

A Texas delicacy.

The greatest grocery store in the world.

What exactly do you do at HEB?

So I'm cross-functional, so I do everything.

Is that what the doctor said you are?

Yes.

Cross-functional.

Oh, man.

Wow.

And what is it that you find yourself doing the most at H-E-B with all of these functions that you can do?

Well, I just got through orientation.

So next I'm going to be a beggar on Wednesday.

Wow.

That's incredible.

Red band.

Why did you hit that?

Only once.

It was so perfect.

You should hit it again.

I love it.

So they told you that you're cross-functional.

They said you're highly talented and you haven't done anything yet, but you're going to start as a bagger.

So they think you're retarded, too.

This is very exciting that I'm not the only one.

I know a lot of you, when you heard the retarded thing, you're like, oh, Tony.

But it turns out I have the same opinion as H-E-B's human resource people.

Incredible.

We feel that you're in the spectrum of all the jobs that you can do here at HEB.

That's going to be great.

We're We're going to start you at bagging, and

we'll see how that goes, and then we'll see your other functions.

Incredible.

So how long is training at HEB?

Well, I think it's just one day.

Yep.

Put the things in the bags.

Yes.

Don't put the bread in first.

Don't put the eggs in first.

Everything else is fair game.

Try to keep it evenly balanced and then put the bread and the eggs on top of that stuff.

Right.

Yep.

I was confused by that.

Oh no.

Oh boy, you're in big trouble, buddy.

You're in big trouble.

Wait,

what did Tony say again?

The eggs in first?

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's okay.

Next week, I'm gonna be in the tortilla ria.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

It's what my schedule says.

The tortilla ria is a part of the HEB.

Yeah, I really hope so.

Wow.

Otherwise, that's very mean of them.

I wonder if they have special music over in the tortilla.

What do you think it sounds like over there?

Wow.

Wow, unbelievable.

The best damn band in the land featuring groove line horns, aka huevos or ancheros.

This is so exciting.

What else?

They have the tortilla ria.

What else is there?

Tell us more.

Do you have your

schedule on your phone there?

Yeah, it's in the back.

Let's get his phone unlocked.

I need the lovely Heidi to unlock his phone.

I want to know all the special sections of the HEB.

I guess I could ask Redband, but

tortilla place.

They make their own tortillas every day.

Fresh tortillas, the best tortillas in the city.

H-E-B, for those of you listening to around the world, I know you're hearing the crowd go crazy, you've heard it come up before, but I mean, there really is no describing how unbelievably, I mean, it's beyond, it makes Whole Foods look like a goddamn fucking goodwill.

It is incredible.

Have you been you so you've you've been physically there?

Thank you.

Let's pull up this training schedule.

You're going to get fired before you start.

Just to let you know.

I'm just kidding.

HEB loves us.

We have a mutual relationship.

We perform at the HEB Center every New Year.

Why am I getting a text?

It's weird.

What does it say?

It's from him.

I don't know.

Okay.

What do we got here?

Can I look at it?

All right, perfect.

Let's see what we got here.

This is very exciting.

Oh, welcome to training at HEP.

Well, well, well, Tuesday, no shifts.

Wednesday, training.

Thursday, no shifts.

Friday, no shifts.

It doesn't.

You have no shifts.

Oh, here we go.

All right, here we go.

Thursday, May 22nd.

You shall start at 6 a.m.

and work until 2:30 at the Tortillaria.

Friday off, Saturday off, Sunday, 9.15 to 4 p.m.

Bagger.

Wow.

It starts big.

The next week, no shifts whatsoever.

And that's pretty much it.

You got to hear it.

We're off to a good start.

Which is perfect because that's when this episode comes out and

it makes sense.

It's like they already know.

Right?

Yes.

You're very excited about it.

I love it.

How old are you, Jake?

I'm 26.

26.

You're just adorable, Jake.

I gotta tell you.

What do you do for fun when you're not?

I have a 155-pound great Dane.

You have 155-pound Great Dane.

Yes.

This is incredible.

And you sure you still have it.

Dogs have been getting loose lately.

Yeah, there's a lot of...

No, I keep a camera on him.

I love it.

Very good.

If you lose that fucking thing, seriously.

The other guy earlier could lose a dog.

It was probably that big.

Yeah.

Yeah.

155-pound.

Tiny dog.

How long have you been?

Is he here?

No.

Just come out and play the drums.

Right.

What's the great Dane's name?

Z.

Z.

Yeah.

Okay.

What made you name him Z?

I don't know.

Everything was taken.

Yeah.

I was trying to be different.

Okay.

Very cool.

Seemed easy to say.

I've got something for you.

Hold on.

Oh, yes.

So this is fun.

When you go to someone's house for a house party, you bring this and you leave it on their table

and the next morning they're like what the fuck was doing blow at our house

that's for you that's for the tonight yeah that's for you

awesome

I love it I was gonna give it to you but I gotta fly this ship back to Vegas I can't

I gotta I gotta show tomorrow night I love it well Jake uh congratulations you already have a big joke book yes you do so keep filling it up there he goes Jake Coulter everyone

we're gonna keep flying through it here jake put that mic back where you found it there on that axe real quick there he goes jake coulter oh yeah all right i guess that's good enough jake

jake jake jake jake jake there's gonna be bread on the bottom of those bags

yeah

absolutely

we gotta we gotta do a better prop so this is all for the women Women here.

When you go to the bar at night, you bring your purse.

You can decide what guy to bring home at the end of the night.

Oh

my goodness.

Look at that.

Oh, these hoes love it.

Look at these hoes.

It takes a lot to satisfy their beeping vaginas.

These three right here have an insatiable appetite for number three, I do believe it was.

That was like a glory hole joke, I think.

Oh, I love it.

It's incredible.

This is so fucking awesome.

All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

We know this young man.

He's a young legend around these parts, one of the great mothership door guys.

You've seen him before.

He won an appearance on the New Year's Eve show at the HEB Center just this past year.

This is, I believe, his first time since then.

Make some noise for the next appearance of Law Coger, everyone.

It's Law Coger.

Yo, yo, yo.

So, most people don't know this about me, but I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Yeah, my city had a hot dog eating contest, and I was the first person never

to yell gay a thousand times.

Yeah, so I'm in therapy.

Yeah, my therapist made me delete all the phone applications that give me anxiety.

Yeah, so long,

Bank of America.

I remember one time I was messing with this white girl.

No.

Yeah, one time I was messing with this white girl that wanted to say nigga during sex.

No.

Unbelievable.

Law Cougar.

One of the great door guys here at the mothership, which are all professional stand-up comedians selected by the booker at Amiga, doing a lot of spots every single week.

These are the people.

This is the future.

Right here, Carrotop.

What up, bro?

He's on a crew?

Yeah, here at the mother's.

My crew fucking's not funny.

Seriously, you're fucking funny.

I appreciate my crew.

I don't let them look at me, though.

You let them look at you.

Yeah, yeah, they're allowed to look at me.

Except for D-Madness.

He never looks at me.

You can look at me.

You can look at me.

Salah,

so fucking funny.

Unbelievable.

I love how present you are, the acknowledging of the dumb white bitch in the middle of the room.

That's so good.

Perfect timing.

That's what it's all about is being, having stuff to talk about, but being light on your feet in the moment.

Absolutely perfect.

Sat.

So good.

Yeah.

You know what would be?

Now, as a prop guy, sorry, the first thing you walked out, I'm thinking, oh, fuck.

I'm surprised you didn't, when you had the mic stand, you said, look, I know I'm exactly one, like almost the same height as the mic stand.

That would be a funny opening joke.

No, no, no, no, leave it where it was where you're just, you're right about the same height.

When it was up right there, you say, huh?

Look, I'm fucking him with the size.

I'll stick with props.

I'll stick with my props.

I just saw a mic and you were the same height of the mic, and I said, that's a good joke.

Yeah,

I try to shy away from the height shit.

Yeah,

but you open with something like World Record something, so it made me think you were going to say that.

I'm the shortest man alive.

No, no, you're not the shortest man alive.

No, no, no, no.

You're not the shortest man alive.

You call me a short ass nigga, bro?

We're all thinking.

Just to let you know.

I saw Deep Madness looking at the ground when you got on stage.

The sound waves are coming from over there.

Law, what's it like being a short ass?

Now, see, you're his boss.

You can't.

You can say that.

I can't.

I can say two-thirds of it.

Two-thirds?

I'll say the nigga parts.

There you go.

I mean, it's cool.

You know what I noticed?

Like, tall women love me.

You know, I get a lot of, I can fit in their back pocket and shit like that.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You could fit in this purse and also probably be a number three, I'm guessing, at the same time,

which is a very rare treat.

There you go.

You have that and that.

It's made for.

Oh, Oh, damn.

Are you measuring girth?

What is that?

Yeah.

You are cooking.

Yeah.

You figured it out.

It's a girth joke.

It's not a length joke.

It's just girth joke.

That's true.

Jesus Christ.

Which one is it, though?

Which one is it?

I'm not asking your girth.

I'm saying that prop was about girth, not the length.

It was about big old fucking dick.

Okay, okay.

Which the lady said, fuck

they loved earlier.

Hell yeah.

Now that you're here, they're like, well, he probably has a big dick.

Fucks with it, bro.

Fucks with it.

Probably.

Yeah.

You ever heard of

redheads?

Fucking white people.

White

people.

You sound like me.

Yeah, redheads have huge cocks.

Is that true?

Yes.

That's why my hair is purple and green and blue and green.

I'm not redheaded.

I love it.

Law.

What you been doing for fun?

Yeah, fucking tall bitches.

Is that true?

Yeah, I got a shorty right now.

She's like 6'1.

Whoa.

Do you guys go out in public together?

Oh, yeah, man.

I climb trees, bro.

Wow.

Oh, big Mike Gonzalez excited over there.

Another.

Let's go.

So you're the spinner.

I've never heard of a man's spinner.

There you go.

What's a spinner?

There you go, Red Bam.

There you go.

Okay, so where did you meet this six-foot-one bohemoth?

The bookstore.

The bookstore.

That's where you go to pick up the bitches.

Yeah, that are Michael's Arts and Crafts.

Very smart.

Very smart.

You are a smart cookie.

And

what's your approach at the bookstore?

Do you do the thing where you're on the other side of the bookshelf and when they take a book, you're like, ha ha!

Like that or something crazy.

Yeah, Ghostbuster style.

Nah,

I try to do like some stupid ass pickup line uh-huh you know I'll be like uh like why haven't I seen you before

all right that's because I've been in prison oh okay yeah that's a good pickup line

I bet that works on all the good-hearted women yeah nah it bombs pretty often yeah it doesn't work amazing yeah

I just like the bookstore What does the six-foot-one woman do for a living, Law?

She's a, she just got her doctorate, so she's a teacher.

Oh, like a professor.

She's a professor.

Yeah.

Wow.

What is she teaching?

History.

Oh, my God.

What you are, right?

To her.

Yeah.

No, I mean, to her.

No, not you.

To her, you're history.

To her, you're not history.

To her, you're,

right?

He's history to her.

You got it.

You got it.

She's history.

Not enough fucking

often

I like the height joke.

I thought it was fun.

Wait, I got one.

Hold on.

Fuck.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, I really do.

This is great.

Fuck.

It's a hanger for a midget.

I mean, that is fucking timing, right?

You're going to get that to me?

I had something in the middle of the interview that I could cut him up.

Fucking I had it.

It was in Comedy Gold.

It was just sitting there like, pull me out of the drug!

You made that yourself?

No, I make all this shit.

Oh yeah, bro.

I've got nothing else to do.

I literally, everything has duct tape.

I can't believe you have a hanger for a short person.

You can't say Midget.

You're a short person.

That is

so

perfect.

Damn.

Law, you need...

Went to Radio Shack and got a fucking thing.

Oh my God.

That's how old that joke was, right?

When they had an Ariel.

Absolutely incredible.

Law, anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on?

Before we kill you?

Oh yeah.

I've been doing this thing.

Have you heard of it?

It's called semen retention.

Called what?

Semen retention.

No.

It's like where you like, like choose not to ejaculate.

Oh.

Oh, I'm not into that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to hold it all in.

You hold it all in.

Call it curdling, right?

You curdle it.

Yeah, but the

Fucking disgusting, Redband.

Settle them.

I like them.

Red Band's the nastiest

PDF.

He really is.

And I'm here next to him every week.

Jesus Christ.

He always has a term for everything disgusting in the world, curdling.

Oh, God.

Yeah, curdling's crazy.

So,

how, why are you doing this?

And how does the six-foot-one woman like that?

That doesn't seem fun for her at all.

It's like cheat.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you gotta,

you gotta, you know, keep the energy inside you.

And so, like, you just, I just choose not to do it, not in that bus.

Fuck that.

You gotta.

Yeah.

You got it.

I'm gonna hold nothing back.

Fucking we're gonna go a month without coming.

No, we're not.

Yeah.

What's the longest you've gone without releasing the

many children between your legs?

I would probably say, I think it's 97 days.

God, 970.

Oh, my God.

Wait a second, stop.

Hold on.

I swear to God, I swear to God.

Stop.

Hold on.

What the fuck do you mean?

You didn't hook up with somebody, you didn't jerk off for 97 days?

Yeah.

Jeez.

Whoa, what happens at the end of 97 days?

You have to just get a new place after that?

Jesus fucking Christ.

That's like when a fire extinguisher explodes or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's good to...

It's kidnapping.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

So what was that like after, what made you finally, what happened on date 97 where you're like, I gotta just do this?

Yeah, you know, you just,

you know, I just found a little shorty.

I gotta ask you this.

Was it a...

Was there any chance it was a blowjob and this poor girl is just fucking basically bonging a beer of semen?

You just

what the fuck happens there?

Was it sex?

Did you just shoot or yeah, I mean it was definitely sex, but it's not as much as you think it'd be.

Like it's pretty like regular.

It just feels crazy.

It's like I met I became Buddha.

You know, like I

transcended to another level.

Wow.

Yeah.

97.

Well, we're all proud of you.

Thank you.

All right.

We're all thinking that's a good good thing.

Maybe I'll try that.

Starting tonight.

Starting tonight.

Yeah, October.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm never smoking another cigarette again.

I'm done with it all.

I'm jerking off in the hotel you got me tonight.

Yep.

No doubt about it.

Mini bar.

I'm going in there.

Yep.

I'm not going to come to the mini bar.

I'm going to drink the mini bar.

Right.

Yeah.

That'd be weird, wouldn't it?

Someone came in the mini bar.

Yeah.

Like, well,

fucking carrotops, then kill Tony.

Fucking came in the mini bar.

He left the fucking mousetrap.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Red band.

I would love to have you on the secret show again.

Law Coger has done it again.

A fantastic rising comedy star.

And on and on it goes.

The great Law Coger.

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And we are on to our next bucket pull.

It is a one-word name.

Those are always shockingly interesting, we find, in the 12 years of this show.

So let's see if this one keeps the tradition alive, makes some noise for Shino.

S-H-I-N-O.

Here's Shino, everybody.

Shino is my high school nickname.

My full name is Sean Shinohara.

My father, Masonuri Shinohara,

was born and raised in the the largest city on planet Earth, largest, arguably most interesting city on the face of the planet.

Anybody know what city I'm talking about?

Any anime fans?

Haidomo!

Tokyo, Japan.

And can I take a second to appreciate the fact that if you just stayed in Tokyo, I'd be fully Japanese right now and not this half-Mexican abomination.

And what?

I'm in construction?

No, no, no.

If I was born in Tokyo, I'd have been like a computer programmer or Pokemon designer or samurai.

Yeah, those are all real applications in Tokyo.

Those are all real applications.

Interviews are free.

Fuck around.

Find out.

You might wind up Lord of the Shogunate.

Like Lord Torunaga.

My Shogun fans.

But no, he didn't stay.

He didn't stay.

When he was 25 years old, he moved from the largest, arguably most interesting city on the face of the planet, right?

To, where, right?

To Corpus Christi, Texas.

Corpus Christi, Texas.

You know what's in Corpus?

You know what's in Corpus, huh?

A whole bunch of Mexicans.

A whole slew of Mexicans.

And eventually, right?

Eventually, he knocked up some Mexican, my mom or whatever.

Alright, the bear has joined the chat.

Hello, Shino.

Am I saying that correctly?

Shino, yeah, it's good.

Shino.

Hi.

It's good.

It's good.

I had great hair until you showed up.

Fuck, it's good here.

Kirta!

Wow!

I love the rich deal with the comedian.

She's let herself go.

oh my god it looks like shit she should hydrate yeah i love it channel welcome to the channel uh

how long have you been doing stand-up just started tony

when you say you just started what do you mean i moved on halloween to austin to do this man on halloween

it's been 23 months tony it's been 25 tony's because sometimes you have two in one day uh-huh Okay, so you have counted.

There you count.

I got the bracelets at home.

And here you are.

You finally made it, and that's the minute that you had prepared.

You had 23 weeks to possibly come up with more or something different, and that's what you did.

It's good.

We know who you are.

You're definitely half Japanese, half Mexican.

You love rice of all kinds.

What do you do for work?

I'm unemployed.

You're unemployed?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you survive?

I worked a lot before I came here.

I was just like, I'm going to come to Austin.

I worked a lot.

I was going to save up.

What?

I'm gonna save up save money saved up how what did you do to save I do construction okay what type of construction I'm a glazer I do commercial glass installation okay on the side of a building 85 floors up on a swing stage oh shit wow that is incredible man

and how much money did you save up to move to Austin enough to buy a construction shirt leave them alone yeah

it's enough you know actually you know what I have started driving for uber i was running low on let's go back to my original question how much money did you save Like 10 grand.

So you saved 10 grand.

That was Halloween.

And I was like, you know what?

It's going to take me two months to get on Kill Tony.

No, it's been a long time.

Okay.

So you saved 10 grand on, and that was Halloween, right?

Yes.

So you've just been blowing through that since you got there?

No, no, you know, I have savings.

I'm 45 years old, Tony.

I graduated from Tex AM 20 years ago, bro.

Again, that's one of the local regular audience members cracking up.

He laughs at the funniest things.

There's something about saying that you graduated from Texas A ⁇ M 20 years ago really got him.

So you saved a bunch of money.

What do you spend your money on, Chanel?

I don't spend money, man.

What's your living situation?

Okay, I moved here to an Airbnb, right?

I rented the master bedroom.

It has his own bathroom, right?

And then, like, after the first month, I was like, hey, bro, let's go off.

Let's forget about Airbnb.

Let's just do our own thing.

So I'm just renting a room in this house.

Hello, hello, Tony.

I've done a lot of things in my life.

I've taught English in Thailand.

I've graduated from, I didn't want to do any of those things.

Tony, this is the first time I've ever had a clear goal in my life.

I moved to Austin for this, Tony.

You turned really Japanese right there.

The Japanese side really came out.

Did you guys notice that?

He was kind of just a...

So you moved to Austin specifically to become a star on Keltoni.

Have you been practicing?

Have you been doing other open mics?

It's a long story, Tony, but it's so bizarre that people just wait and don't practice.

It's like if you went to go perform at the grand old Opry in Nashville, Tennessee, and it's like, I'll just wait to learn guitar there.

I'm going to pick up a guitar when I get there in Nashville and I'm going to show them.

You could do, there's literally open mics fucking everywhere, every night.

There's like 15 a night minimum here within blocks of each other.

And you've chosen not to.

I was doing those, Tony.

I did them for a long time for the first, like, till January.

And then, like, it had been like 15 Mondays.

I was just like,

you're like, this has been two months.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't do that.

Dude, open mics are...

I need an audience, Tony.

Okay.

You need jokes first, then the audience will come.

There you go.

I wasn't funny.

I wasn't funny.

It is true.

You're a little bit,

you have your business a little out of order.

I'm going to give you a joke you can do.

So when you go out, you have a, fuck, let's find a good one.

Shit.

There's not been a good one yet.

So when you go out, you say, so

this is for red-necked women so they can still feed their babies and still smoke.

We're going to watch the, I don't know.

We're going to watch the price is right.

So the See the kids, the kids, ah, fuck.

If it's not working with him, oh shit.

The lipstick stains.

You know,

he actually has a, he's half Japanese, half Mexican, so you have a little eating utensil.

You have an eating utensil that was.

This is a thermometer holder, so you get the right one.

Oh, what?

You don't want your mom to give you the wrong one.

We're getting to the bottom of this case, folks.

Check your temperature.

It's a shitty one.

It's getting real scary at the bottom of this trunk.

You know, the sad thing is I had to make, I'm just drilling a fucking hole in this.

Seriously, I'm backstage.

What are you doing?

I'm just drilling a hole in this fucking baby's asshole.

But it's going to be great on Kill Tony.

This is so fucking awesome.

You're getting to the bottom of the box.

It is getting kind of desperate.

It's getting wacky down there.

Chanel, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life?

Give us something that makes you, sets you apart from everybody that's ever been pulled out of this bucket before.

There must be something that's happened to you or that you've done or something that you've seen in your life.

What's the craziest shit?

You're a guest on a podcast right now.

Your stand-up part sucked and you can save it all right now.

Okay, well, like I said, I taught English in Thailand, but that wasn't the most craziest thing that I said.

I've been in prison twice in Texas.

What?

Yeah, man.

You said that.

What did you say?

You've been to what?

Prison twice?

Yeah.

For what?

Drinking and driving.

What comedians get, you know?

Both times.

Wait,

hold on.

There's so much happening.

You just related to comedians by saying that we get caught drinking and driving a lot?

Not these days, because there's Uber and stuff.

But my last Diderot was 11 years ago.

So, like, you know what I'm saying?

But how did you go to prison twice for drinking?

Well, when you get enough of them, they send you to prison.

How many did you get?

I got four.

At the first two?

I got two.

Okay, look, look.

I got two at university, and I graduated right.

I went to Canada Houston in 2007.

You got caught a lot.

So you drink like a Mexican and you drive like a Japanese guy.

Solid.

Solid.

Chaneau, there's a little joke book.

We're going to keep it moving along.

Solid.

This guy's shocked.

By the way, for some reason that he got a little joke book and I said his set sucked.

he's absolutely shocked right now I like Chano do you think you did like great or something

help me to understand did I do good or no yeah you did great

there you go buddy

oh there he goes

I like that I like that

all right

hey Heidi

the ginger palette cleanser of the show.

I like that

he said, you know, all comedians.

That was the best part.

Like, yeah.

Yeah, you know, us comedians always getting caught drinking and driving.

We gotta put the pudding.

All right.

All right.

This looks like a fun name.

Put your hands together for Kimberly Coaster, everybody.

Kimberly Coaster.

Oh, when I see a hot guy, I'm like, damn.

I could have gave birth to him.

Probably screwed his dad in college.

Yeah, you know, I do get hit on a lot.

I wonder if like men have a menopause fetish.

Like, damn, that cougar could tear me up.

I would tear you up

because I'm dry as fuck.

You would have more pleasure rubbing your wiener on a cheese grater.

I spread my knees, tumbleweeds roll out.

Last guy came up coughing.

They sent a canary into the cavern.

He's dead.

It's all dead inside

fucking amazing Kimberly

again I don't want to I don't want to seem like I'm hating on the women it is so rare that we get a funny female bucket pull I don't know if it's ever really happened before where we've had two hilarious women pulled out of the bucket

very funny thank you I know Molly too that dry pussy joke really caught us all off guard Self-deprecating and perfectly put.

I mean, I don't think anybody saw that comic.

Fantastic.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Four years.

Awesome.

Where at?

I started in Denver.

I just moved to Austin in January.

Congratulations.

You moved here

for stand-up comedy?

Say that again.

For stand-up?

Yes.

Well, yes.

Also, you know, I just became a single mom, or I'm sorry,

an empty nester.

Uh-huh.

And, you know, I just.

How many kids did you have you had?

I have two boys in their 20s.

Okay.

And they're out and about.

They're out and about.

They're coming up next.

Yeah.

What do they do?

Well, one of them moved to Oregon, and the other one is.

He's growing pot.

Yeah, probably.

And the other one

is joining the Army.

He actually goes to boot camp in two weeks.

We love it.

We love it.

Patriots.

We love the Army.

We love our country.

It's good to have a great military, not necessary to always have to use it.

So here we are, Kimberly.

And now you get to be, you know, you're single?

I am.

I've been single for 15 years.

Awesome.

Okay, again,

the same girls that cheered for the big dick purse are going wild right now.

Who would have guessed?

I became a single mom when they were five and seven.

Okay, so the father's black.

Nice.

Okay, I'm sorry, Carrot Top.

There's parts where Carrot Top has to duck down so that he doesn't lose his residency in Vegas.

Get in your trunk, Carrotop.

Get in the trunk.

I'm going to pull you out of the trunk.

I got one for you.

You guys, you're going to love it.

It's Carrotop.

I love it.

We're having fun here.

He's Mexican.

Oh, okay.

Yep.

That's close.

That was close.

Yep,

that's one level.

All right.

So, Kimberly.

Kimberly, I love it.

What's your date?

How do you date?

What's your situation?

Because you seem like a little fucking, you seem like you got a little

feistiness, a little horniness to you.

You seem like

a real fucking, you seem like you have a little fire behind those eyes.

Well, I don't know.

I used to date a lot, but I had this six-month rule when my kids were little.

I would only date someone for six months before I met let them meet my kids.

That makes sense.

You know, and at six months, I was like, they are not worthy of meeting my kids.

So I had a lot of six-month relationships.

Did you meet the guy earlier that didn't come for a year and a half?

Right?

I missed that.

What did you say?

The guy that earlier said he didn't come for like two years.

Oh, yeah.

Am I curdling?

Yeah.

Okay, right.

That's so gross.

So none of these guys that you've been with since the baby daddy

or the baby Padre, I guess we would say.

Is that the right word?

Yep, good job.

Okay.

So you haven't dated anyone longer than six months.

Not really.

How about just banging?

You ever have a good one-night stand?

Oh, occasionally.

Did you hear the pitch that she went to?

She had a flashback there for a second.

Amazing.

Hell yeah.

You're a little funny Kimberly coaster cougar.

What do you do for fun now, Kimberly, now that that you're a Texan?

You know,

I do like karaoke, and I'm afraid to say that because I don't want me to sing.

I would never.

No.

I would never.

Love Schlack.

That's what I like.

That's all.

They always sing that fucking thing, don't they?

Love Schlack.

Love Shack.

With the love

Shack.

Sorry, I don't know what the fuck you're doing.

You're in the zone.

I love it.

I was Fred Schneider for about two seconds here.

Yeah.

In Colorado, I had as big as a whale and in the back

to set sail.

Sorry, sorry, I'll stop.

Fuck.

All right.

So, um,

what were you saying there?

Oh, in Colorado, like, I had a karaoke group.

Oh, my goodness.

We would go around to every, I know.

That's That's great.

They're good.

You'd go around to every karaoke place and you'd always know the same people.

It was like,

but I'm finding that.

I'm trying to find that here.

That is so cute.

You're such a sweet lady.

I bet you find it just fine here.

There's a have you been to the karaoke places around here?

Jackalopes after Killton.

Okay, you need to try, what's that fucking egos on Congress?

Yeah, you're going to love it.

The place is a real fucking little, just divey, crazy dump.

I love it.

It is just a hot, fucking dumpy.

I mean, it is as Texas creepy karaoke as it gets.

The people there fucking are there every night.

It's the same people.

You will fall in love with this place.

You drink?

Yeah.

I love it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I do.

I love it.

Okay, relax, you little fucking...

There's a dumb slut in the middle of the room.

Okay, we're having fun here.

Kimberly, anything else crazy about your life we should know about you before we let you go?

You know, I think my apartment's haunted.

Oh, tell us more.

I was practicing yodeling, and the...

Oh my God.

You're haunted.

Yeah.

I didn't, you know, and this light just kept flashing on and off, and it hasn't done it before or since.

And I don't know if it liked yodeling or if it hated yodeling.

Well, let's see.

We need to hear you yodel.

Let's see if you can make the lights flash here.

Ladies and gentlemen, she's not gonna sing karaoke, but one of the first ever comedians to yodel in Kill Tony history.

You never know what could happen here on Kill Tony.

One second, we're laughing, the next, we're Yodeling.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kimberly Coaster.

Whoa, it's on top.

Wow, ladies, the crowd goes wild.

The crowd goes wild.

I see my producers are absolutely ecstatic over here.

Wow.

Kimberly, I'll tell you what.

You need to sign up again.

This is a big joke book.

Kimberly Coaster, everybody, making her kill Tony debut.

That was great.

So much fun.

Let's get the one more bucket pull.

We'll make it fast because we're in overtime now.

It's an extra long, fun episode.

But one more time for Carrot Top.

We're having fucking fun here tonight.

This is so much fun.

This is even.

This is so...

This is literally better than I even expected it to be.

I thought it would be this much fun, but it's literally better.

It's going to be a lot better, actually.

I gotta be honest.

Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Charlie Mac, everyone.

Charlie Mac.

Charlie Mac.

Oh, shit.

Fuck yeah.

Make some noise one more time for Charlie Mac, every

okay, Austin, I see you.

I just moved to Austin, and this place is amazingly terrifying.

No, I've been scared since I got here.

I ain't know nothing about this area.

They gave me a ride.

I said, said, where are we going?

They said, this 6th Street.

I said, no, I know Gotham City when I see Gotham City.

No, 6th Street is dangerous out here.

I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else.

And then they tried to put me in a hotel on 6th Street.

I asked the dude in the front, I said, hey, is it safe here?

He said, if you can fight, you're going to be all right.

It's crazy.

oh, you guys are just so brave to sitting in the front.

No, I'm just saying that because my last show I fell off the stage.

He got the whole front.

I don't know why y'all laughing.

The way my body built, I bounce.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, he has arrived.

Charlie Mack

has joined the fray.

Holy shit, Charlie.

Oh, you're going to fit in just fine around here.

My goodness.

For a second, I thought the curtain fell off the back and started floating to the front.

And then I realized it was a human being.

They always think I'm security.

I got $20 today.

You are something else.

Yeah, you are very fucking funny.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Six years.

All of it in Houston?

No, I live in Austin.

Oh, you live in Austin.

So how long have you lived in Atlanta?

Atlanta.

If you're going to pick a black city, at least pick mine.

I'm from Chicago.

Yeah.

All right.

That makes sense.

You look like both a bull and a bear, so this is perfect.

With this show, I'm going to let you live.

Absolutely incredible.

I didn't realize Chicago had a black bean.

Yes!

That is a callback from one year and three months ago.

Better get a silver.

That's right.

And still, the reigning, defending,

knower of the bean

is me

not a day goes by where I don't hear about this fucking bean moment and finally it comes back for a joke

I didn't even know the joke it was funny

Someone was here they said they saw the bean in Chicago I said what the fuck's the bean the crowd fucking freaked out of me turns out I was the only person in the world that it somehow even though I've been to Chicago a hundred times never saw the bean never heard of the bean it just completely avoided me my entire fucking life anytime Anytime anybody talked about the bean, I wasn't in the room.

I've never seen it.

I've never heard of it.

Now I see it every fucking day.

It's in the news every day.

People tag me and shit.

I get sent emails about the bean.

The Empire State Building, the actual Empire State Building, DM'd me.

It has an account just like, they're like, I love, I love, we love, we love that you don't know the bean.

If you ever want a free tour, you and the crew come to the Empire State.

But I get hit up by other landmarks because they love that I don't know the bean fuck I'm grabbing

and now it comes full circle they sent me here the black bean

I love it I have 432 questions for you Charlie let's go so you've been doing stand-up what was it six or eight years what was that six years six years and you're from Chicago I've been living here about four years now okay what made you move to Austin four years ago uh y'all have good crack no just I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

No, I have family in Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio.

And this was a central hub.

I'm like, I can see everybody from here.

I love it.

I love it.

What do you do for work?

Oh, I do fraud.

I mean,

he's good.

I didn't mean to say that out loud.

I'm in sales.

Very funny.

Do you really do sales?

No, I do comedy full-time.

Okay, perfect.

That makes sense.

I could see that.

How many times have you signed up for the show?

Like, this is my fourth time.

Okay.

Thank goodness we got you out of there.

Yeah, I was like, what do y'all not see my name?

Charlie Mac.

Yes.

Yeah.

Big Mac.

Did you say Big Mac or Big Back?

Both.

With a ply hair.

That's what my daughter calls me.

I love it.

Yeah,

she remade Dora to Explorer song.

I come in, she go, Big Back, Big Back.

Everybody hide your snacks.

It's Big Back, Big.

Can't get a change.

I love it.

Let me say it.

I love it.

What do you do for fun in Texas?

A lot of stuff, but nothing.

But listen.

I'm an author, and I actually brought books for y'all.

I make adult for children's books for adults.

You make what books for adults?

Children's books for adults.

Oh, I love this.

Yeah, and I brought you guys some.

Okay.

Can y'all bring the books out?

Hide it.

Thank you.

Oh,

my God.

Hey,

you're stealing my act.

I'm sorry.

This is incredible.

Two each.

Man, fuck them kids by Charlie Mac.

This is hilarious.

Let me see this one.

What is this one?

Ah, fuck.

Fuck them kids.

This one's a can in a crib.

It's called Lay Your Ass Down and Shut the Fuck Up.

Oh

my

God.

That's great.

That's great.

Incredible.

That's great.

That's great.

Absolutely amazing.

Am I missing one?

There's still just two.

No, just two.

There's two perfect.

I got the hardcover.

I love it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, there is a hardcover.

I got the original.

Wow.

That is amazing.

Read the first page on Man Fuck Them Kids.

Okay, perfect.

Nope, whatever you want me to do, I will do, Charlie.

That is, I'm taking orders from you.

Whatever you say, I will do.

First of all, the first page says, to all pedophiles, I truly apologize for the misleading title.

Wow.

Charlie fucking Mac.

That is so fucking good.

Charlie.

Now you got to see the second page.

I mean, this is unbelievable.

I'm going to read it.

I'm just going to read it.

It's got to be great, right?

I don't know.

I'm not going to read though.

I got you.

I got you.

These kids are.

Look, see, it's adorable.

It's like actual pictures of kids.

And it says, these kids are bad as fuck.

Parents aren't whooping ass enough.

If you're slow, you should know.

I'm here to catch you up.

Grab a belt, grab a switch, or even grab a shoe.

And if they start acting bad, you should know just what to do.

That's good.

Parents nowadays, they are soft as baby shit.

Just know I'm beating ass if you let me babysit.

You're so good.

You know, I'm not going to read the whole thing because I want you to sell these things.

How can people buy them?

Where can people find your books at?

www.funnycharliemac.com.

FunnycharlieMac.com.

Wow.

You are a fucking superstar.

You're built for this shit.

This is absolutely incredible.

Thank you, thank you.

I love it, man.

That's so cool.

What else do you do?

What do you do for fun?

I work out, believe it or not.

Really?

Not a joke.

What do you do?

Run the jewels?

I just lost 160 pounds, Tony.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I was actually, this isn't a joke, but I was hypnotized and I went vegan.

Yes.

Yeah, my friend Hypno Goddess, she's a comedian and a hypnotist, and she hypnotized me.

I woke up three months later in her basement with no kidney.

But listen,

no, for real, but she did hypnotize me, and I haven't eaten meat since last May.

Isn't that wild?

Hypnotize was also one of your hit songs back in the day, wasn't it?

Baby, baby.

It was all a dream.

I used to eat nothing but ice cream.

Look at you now, Charlie Mac.

Have you eaten some of the local cuisine around here?

Have you been to like Terry Blackest or anything like that?

Is that a real place?

I heard the word black.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Oh, no, I haven't.

Okay.

We're going to get you there.

I make a lot of my own stuff.

Really?

Yeah, I just bad from H-E-B.

Oh, another H-E-B shout-out.

I love it.

We love H-E-B around here.

I love it, Charlie Mac.

My goodness.

I,

yeah.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with you, Charlie Mac?

We already have a David Lucas, but I mean,

you are fun.

We'll just call it, you're a golden ticket winner.

Congratulations, Charlie

Joining the exclusive club of wildly successful comedians You will now be famous you will sell a lot of books and we're sending you straight upstairs right now to perform in the longer set in the little boy set the full-time talent booker the best talent booker in all of comedy at Amigut formerly of the comedy store now of the mothership He's gonna watch you do a longer set and perhaps you can become a more full-time comedian here at the mothership.

I'm ready.

You fucking did it.

Here's a big joke book

Charlie Mack ladies and gentlemen you saw his Kill Tony debut

He's doing the secret show as well

And there you go.

That's how it happens.

They're all discovered here out of the bucket a fucking perfect episode of Kill Tony And ladies and gentlemen, what a special moment this is.

William Montgomery went to go see one of his favorite bands tonight.

But

in his place, I present to you a young man who just so happens to be the talk of all of Los Angeles, all of the industry, all of Austin, Texas.

Truly a freak of nature.

And one day, very soon, will be an American citizen.

But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin.

This is our event.

What's up?

Any fat people here?

You're fine.

I mean like medical fat.

He was fucking fat.

I have one fat fuck friend.

His name is Matt fat fuck

And one day we were talking,

and I noticed that me and Matt, you know, we have to use the same toilet bowl.

And I noticed that the distance from Matt's cock

to his asshole is quite a journey.

So I asked Matt, what do you do?

Do you just fucking shove it in there?

And fat fuck Matt goes, No,

I gotta choose.

So I asked Matt, okay,

so if you go poopy,

if you go poopy, does it sometimes happen

that peace

flies out too

onto the floor and shit.

Matt looks at me, he goes, oh yeah, all the time.

That's what I respect about Matt.

That even though he's cleaning up his own piss, he's like, fucking worth it.

And then he goes, you think that's bad?

Matt goes, sometimes I come home and I fucking

eat so much shit

that I every hole shit piss and puke

and he has to sit in the bathtub

and just fool Coachella.

Just fuck it.

Now that should be the McDonald's commercial.

Fuck the hot yoga girl with a burger.

Oh my god, macca.

Put my fat fuck friend Matt in the tub of his own shit piss and puke and let the camera pan out

and he just looks at the camera, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!

Still loving it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

The iconic Ari Matte with a new two minutes and 50 seconds.

Let the record show that he does it every week.

And meanwhile, he does extremely long sets, flexing above and beyond even the parameters of show with long, brand new, fresh off the fucking presses bits.

You've done it yet again, my friend.

What's up, Tony?

What's up, Brian?

Hello, Carrot.

I love it.

You called him by only his first name.

I know I was the one that was going to wear a Texas shirt to suck up to the crowd, but now someone else wore a Texas shirt.

Look at you.

Can't have too much Texas.

You're very funny.

Thanks.

Very funny.

Yeah.

We've been having fun here all night.

Wow.

What's that?

No, I was looking.

What have we got in there, Carrot Top?

Anything?

Anything else you want to blow through before?

Let's see.

Hold on.

This is it.

Ari's the last comedian.

Oh, this is a good one.

Okay, here we go.

Hold on.

Let me get my mother mic.

You showed a black baby.

Ari's sneaking in there.

You better keep an eye on him.

You can pick one out and guess.

That'd be fun.

Oh, yeah.

That's

a black baby.

Hey, what is that?

No, that's a great game.

Now, what is that?

Yeah.

I don't remember what it is either.

What do you think that is, Carrot Top?

That's a good baby.

Oh, shh.

Don't shake the baby.

No.

So it's close, though.

Well, here, I think.

That would have been better than what I would have done.

Give it back to Carrot Top.

No, I just say it's just the way you can also make a drink and shut your kid up by fucking shut the baby.

If you want to make a drink, hold on, one more.

I made a shake weight that has a piece of plexiglass in case it shoots off when you're doing it.

Wait, it's got a better ending.

Hold on.

Then I made one for Asian guys.

I want to offend everybody.

That's the whole key.

This is so awesome.

Oh my god, right?

Look at that shit.

And I'm making.

Oh, fuck.

I've been canceled.

No, you have not.

No, this isn't.

This is the timeout.

I'm in timeout.

No, this is the second coming.

Trust me.

take it from me.

Getting canceled is a huge boost out here.

You could be done.

You don't tell them.

I don't want them to find out.

I don't want the mainstream to find out.

But getting canceled is like a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I should hope we should be canceled.

I should be done.

I should be finished.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you Maddie?

Anything else crazy happening with you?

Well,

you know, I got bad luck.

Uh-huh.

I was in Florida.

Yeah.

Fort Myers.

I found out at the show that do you know who Tito Ortiz is?

Tito Ortiz?

Tito Ortiz, former light heavyweight champion, UFC.

Yes.

Apparently he owns a bar called Tito's Cantina.

And the person from Florida tells me, if you drive past this bar and you see a white Rolls-Royce outside, that means Tito's in the building.

I drive past, Rolls-Royce is there.

I go to the bar.

Motherfucking Tito.

Tito and three people, they're watching the UFC.

So I sit down, find out they have a raffle.

Raffle.

I love a raffle.

You know what a raffle is?

You win shit.

There's three other people at the bar.

I'm going to win this fucking raffle.

Yeah.

I go to Tito!

Tito!

What's the prize?

He goes, it's a bottle of vodka.

I'm like, like, okay.

Then he goes, but the final prize after the pay-per-view is over,

a championship belt.

Wow.

And I see this fucking belt, and I love belts.

Listen, I love belts.

I've always, I love belts.

I love belts.

I see your belt.

I'm with you.

I'm with you.

But it's a big, like, champion belt, you know?

I never won in MMA.

I'm on 0-3, so I need a fucking belt.

Me and a belt.

I need that belt.

Three people at the bar, raffle, belt, championship.

So I go, okay, how much the ticket?

He goes, 10 bucks a raffle.

One ticket.

It's a no-brainer.

I go, give me 30.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He goes, what?

I go, give me 40.

So I got.

40 tickets.

I got 40 fucking raffle tickets.

I spread them out at my bar.

Three other fucks.

I'm getting this belt.

I spread them out to the bar.

I take a selfie to my friends.

I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to be a champion.

I'm flying a high-five Tito.

Hell

So then,

first round, they pull the vodka.

Of course, I win the vodka.

I have all the fucking tickets.

Yeah.

I'm guessing a bottle of Tito's.

Yeah, yeah.

And fuck the fuck the vodka.

It's just spray it out.

I don't have carry-on anyway.

I want the belt.

Exactly.

Dude, my flight is at 4 a.m.

We wait till 2 a.m.

for the final raffle.

Those people leave.

There's one guy sleeping at the bar.

And my 40 fucking tickets.

Tito puts his hand in the bucket.

Guess what?

The guy wins.

Ah, fuck.

Literally, they wake him up.

Oh, my God.

They put the belt on him.

$400.

Dude, fuck you.

I didn't even get a picture with Tito.

Dude, today, Tito posts our chant at Tito's Cantina last night.

Takes a picture with the retard.

He goes, everyone had a great night.

Oh, did they?

Where's my fucking belt?

I didn't even get a t-shirt.

Look, this is me and my raffles.

Yeah, that is a lot of things.

This is me and my fucking raffles.

We're going to put it on this screen in the YouTube version.

You have to send those to Redband.

That is so fucking funny.

Is it a scam?

They have one belt they use every week, I bet.

That's why the guy's sleeping.

He's just chilling.

He's just got to be there.

And they put the belt back up again.

Oh, my God.

Look at that idiot.

Oh, my God.

Dude, I would look good.

Dude, imagine today I come out.

Oh, that would have been great.

That would have been great.

40 to 1!

Fuck my life.

Well, you know, we've done a raffle here.

I think there's something in there.

There's got to be one more thing that you can win remember we're getting to the bottom of this thing isn't it i love it i love the bottom for some reason i like you do like the bottom i like the bottom more than oh well busted

i like the bottom more

so so when you're when you're when you're when

you run out of gas right you look like a dick when you're walking down the street like hey help can you help me get gas you fucking dumb shit right yeah no one's gonna pick you up so i made this so you put the gas can inside here and then you hold that and you're like, hey, you want to help me?

Then he is.

I'm just trying to get Budweiser to be a sponsor.

Yeah, that's brilliant.

That was his own reason.

Brilliant.

Well, I already have Bud Light.

That's amazing.

You guys honestly, and I'm not just saying this shit, you guys are a fucking awesome crowd, man.

We had so much fun with you.

I really can't thank you for having me more than that.

This has been Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace, Shopify, Tacobas, and ZipRecruiter.

One more time for the great Ari Maddie.

All right.

Thank you both.

Future American Citizen and UFC Championship Belt Holder.

The great Ryan J.E.

Belt has an amazing drawing that's in.

As always, every week while we are here, he draws our guests.

That's an on-the-spot painting of Carrot Top.

Holy shit.

And let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there.

Oh, it's Chris Rogers drawing Chris Rogers.

I love it.

Oh, my God.

god, you're really good at drawing yourself, Chris.

You nailed that.

You know your face very well.

Amazing.

Chris Rogers art.

He's in the lobby slinging merch and whatnot.

Guys, catch him at Luxor, a residency of over 30 years, 40 plus years as a comedian.

How loud can this place get one more time for the great Carrot Top, everybody?

Come on!

Unbelievably stunning performance.

We love it.

Carrotop has joined.

Love Shaq Baby!

The Kill Tony Universe.

Thank you to Talk Space, Shunda Fight, Zakovis, and ZipRecruiter.

What an unbelievable show.

One more time.

Congratulations to Charlie Mack, another golden ticket winner.

He's joining our extraordinarily large family.

And he's an extraordinarily large man.

Red Band.

Check out the SunsetStripATX.com.

Love you guys.

We're doing a lot of stuff, people.

Madison Square Garden, and I'm doing stand-up there with the killers of Kiltoni, a rare, absolute super union.

We're me and the superstars of the show doing stand-up together.

And of course, Madison Square Garden night two in August.

We have it both nights.

One night of stand-up comedy where I headline with my new

unbelievably,

I mean, I just have to say, it's so well written and so well performed, this new hour that I'm doing.

And

Kill Tony the next night, a new annual tradition, Madison Square Garden and Kill Tony coming together.

I love you guys.

Thank you all so much.

God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

Good night.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

I think they're pacebreakers, the ones with all the pockets.

Well, I just got back from vacation and I think I left them in my hotel room.

And dude, I need to replace these shorts.

I wear them like every day with that Lulu hoodie you got me.

Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

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