KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tunneling

Speaker 7 hey this is red breaks coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tug get up recorder it's back

Speaker 7 who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 7 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 12 God damn it, that felt good.

Speaker 13 How about a hand for red band, everybody?

Speaker 15 And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Speaker 15 That is Rauvalejo,

Speaker 23 Carlos Sosa Fernando Castillo and Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums I gotta say he's bigger than ever he looks fucking huge today that is Shane Greenberg on the guitar everybody am I saying that right Shane

Speaker 28 Sean all right

Speaker 30 S H A A N on my fucking sheet.

Speaker 33 I had a 50-50 shot at it.

Speaker 33 Either could be Sean or Shane.

Speaker 35 This is what happens.

Speaker 33 That's the cameraman, Yoni, over there giving me fucking S-H-A-A-N.

Speaker 37 Take a good fucking guess.

Speaker 10 Flip a coin.

Speaker 33 Never seen Sean spelled that way, but you got to take a chance everyone.

Speaker 40 That's Shane Greenberg. One more time.

Speaker 20 He's a Jew, I do believe.

Speaker 15 Greenberg.

Speaker 27 And this is Jay Stiles joining us on the keys, everybody.

Speaker 41 John Dees and Matt Muelling are out touring arenas with some big musician or some shit.

Speaker 44 I don't know what they're doing, but I like these guys.

Speaker 46 I like

Speaker 48 Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg.

Speaker 36 And believe it or not, this is D-Madness here on the bass guitar, everybody.

Speaker 21 Very exciting stuff.

Speaker 22 I am excited about this episode.

Speaker 52 It's going to be a doozy.

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Speaker 68 Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other. When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four liter jug.

Speaker 68 When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Speaker 71 Oh, come on.

Speaker 68 They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip. Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

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Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 73 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Speaker 45 You know, every single week, I know I always hype up every single week because I book it so that it's entertaining for me.

Speaker 24 Well, this is one of those weeks where, without a doubt, it's entertaining for me and for the people.

Speaker 50 Because, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one-guest night, and that one guest happens to be the reigning, defending, undisputed

Speaker 23 guest of the year of 2024.

Speaker 87 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of Harlan Williams.

Speaker 15 Make some fucking noise for Harlan Williams, people.

Speaker 15 Come on in, Harlan.

Speaker 6 Boom! Harlan Williams of the Harlan Highway.

Speaker 78 So many great things.

Speaker 91 One of the best comedians in the world.

Speaker 92 One of my favorite comedic actors.

Speaker 36 Thank you. Dumb and dumber.
Thank you.

Speaker 54 Thank you. There's something about Mary.

Speaker 52 Employee of the month.

Speaker 49 Thank you.

Speaker 34 Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way?

Speaker 93 Get a little excited.

Speaker 4 I feel like you should be in a new movie, the Tourette's movie.

Speaker 95 What the hell is

Speaker 36 how we feeling tonight?

Speaker 96 Good, buddy.

Speaker 95 I brought a little thing in my jig if I could.

Speaker 98 What happened?

Speaker 99 Well, nothing happened to me, gang, comedy gang.

Speaker 103 But, you know, in all these award shows, they have like a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer.

Speaker 82 And every now and then we get comics.

Speaker 95 You know, everyone tries real, real hard, like.

Speaker 36 And every now and then we get one that needs a little help, a little extra help.

Speaker 95 So tonight I'll be giving away the silver crutch.

Speaker 2 Ooh, wee!

Speaker 16 I love it. This is very exciting.

Speaker 95 Some lucky comedian, in fact, the worst, I mean the luckiest comedian.

Speaker 19 Yeah, the one that needs it the most.

Speaker 72 Get a little extra kick with the silver crutch.

Speaker 109 The silver crutch.

Speaker 18 We've found the sound effect of the silver crutch.

Speaker 111 It is that.

Speaker 48 Red Band has selected. He never knows what sounds going to play on his soundboard.

Speaker 95 I was thinking it'd be more like someone's tripping downstairs okay let's do something like that

Speaker 34 not at the Adams family house

Speaker 96 okay all right Barney Rubble tripping downstairs thank you yeah

Speaker 97 How about that?

Speaker 60 I don't use a vibrator, but thank you.

Speaker 62 Harland, the reigning defending guest of the year, here to perhaps be the first ever two-time guest of the year.

Speaker 114 Oh, come on.

Speaker 34 Anything can happen.

Speaker 96 Come on now, Sally Struthers.

Speaker 80 Anything can happen.

Speaker 83 Anything can happen.

Speaker 96 Don't stand.

Speaker 101 Smother me up, Sal.

Speaker 50 That's what I do.

Speaker 48 Everyone knows that I am the Sally Struthers of this show.

Speaker 116 And so you know how it works, Harlan.

Speaker 89 Over 200 people signed up for this show.

Speaker 83 They are all in the bar next door.

Speaker 115 200?

Speaker 89 Over 200.

Speaker 29 Oh, dude.

Speaker 111 We're going to let this dying-y little boy here

Speaker 25 very sick with something. I'm not sure what it is.

Speaker 84 He takes the name, he hands it off.

Speaker 111 It is legible.

Speaker 30 And you know how it works.

Speaker 90 When it's their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 25 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

Speaker 121 And then I conduct an interview, and me and Harlan find out what the fuck is what stars are made and idiots are found here out of this magical bucket for this is the number one live podcast in the world and you are the returning guest of the year

Speaker 33 let's start it off with a bang your first set tonight

Speaker 60 is going to an old friend of the show a very very controversial character some people love him Some people don't love him at all.

Speaker 125 Ladies and gentlemen, we've been watching him grow over the past couple years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only, Uncle Laser.

Speaker 126 Some people got a face for radio.

Speaker 127 I got more of a face for cuckholding.

Speaker 127 The bar the other night, older gentleman comes to me and goes, man, we love you on that Kill Tony show. We love you a lot.
He said, me and my wife are here renewing our vows.

Speaker 127 For 30 years, we've met in this bar. He goes, man, it's on my bucket list.
If you'll have sex with my wife while I watch.

Speaker 127 I said, man, you didn't want to go skydiving? You want me to fuck your wife?

Speaker 127 He said, man, I'd be willing to give you a thousand shekels for your time.

Speaker 66 Well, let's take a look at her at least.

Speaker 7 So he,

Speaker 127 that's never good, you know.

Speaker 127 His fucking vending machine comes up out of the bathroom

Speaker 127 From a distance her skin was leathery

Speaker 127 Up close her skin was leathery She looked like an old fucking Buick seat

Speaker 127 I Said hey man, I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to pass he said ma'am, I fucking need this

Speaker 127 I said, I fucking don't, you know

Speaker 127 He said, I'll give you $4,000 fucking dollars. And I said,

Speaker 127 you know what, dude? Buick's not that bad of a car.

Speaker 127 My name's Uncle Laser. Thank you.

Speaker 21 All right, Uncle Laser.

Speaker 131 Have you told that story before on this show?

Speaker 127 I've done that punchline on the back end, but never the story of it.

Speaker 132 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 49 All right, Harland. Can you do that?

Speaker 95 Can you, like, do a joke and then just plug in the same punchline from another gag?

Speaker 13 I don't really know.

Speaker 112 We kind of make the rules as we go along here.

Speaker 133 Laser's a special guy.

Speaker 95 I want to ask you, bro, are you taking a night class in Kunalingus? Because your tongue was going like all over the place.

Speaker 134 We were like licking the air.

Speaker 83 You're very lizardy.

Speaker 31 Is that a side effect?

Speaker 39 Are you on something?

Speaker 95 Do you need a snow cone or something?

Speaker 135 Like, what's...

Speaker 20 He's had too many of those.

Speaker 137 I noticed it took, I measured it seven seconds before you said anything.

Speaker 119 You really made a point to make sure the mic stand was where you needed it.

Speaker 107 I looked at it,

Speaker 52 looking at everybody.

Speaker 7 What is he doing? He's trying to

Speaker 103 cinco de mayo

Speaker 35 your tongue goes a little wild on cinco de mayo dad been snorting to him since i got up this morning wow look at that red band celebrating cinco de mayo he loves mayonnaise

Speaker 6 so much

Speaker 139 he loves mayo pickles and pickles he thinks celebrating liquo de craco what the yeah

Speaker 90 i love it lasers so what's been going on dude

Speaker 75 uh Just just hanging out. Did that really happen?

Speaker 34 Did you fuck a little woman in front of a husband?

Speaker 127 And honestly, it reminded me, when I first lost my virginity, it was a cuckoo situation as well.

Speaker 80 Do you need another guy in the room to get hard?

Speaker 141 I need a way.

Speaker 141 He was black.

Speaker 142 Oh.

Speaker 127 It was a black guy and a Mexican chick. I stole my mama's Jeep Drand Cherokee.
And we went to the Laca Colonia, which means El Colony in Spanish. And we snuck into her window.

Speaker 127 and he let me go first because he was a gentleman, but I was 12, so I didn't really know what I was doing, you know.

Speaker 127 And then I feel a tap on my shoulder, this big, beautiful black man with his hard dick.

Speaker 97 It's a stereotype.

Speaker 144 Their dicks are huge.

Speaker 114 Wait, what is going on, dude?

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 134 You talk about when a comedy routine transitions so seamlessly into a court case.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 35 You know what I mean?

Speaker 142 Exactly.

Speaker 13 You were 12, and there's a giant hard black dick in front of you all of a sudden.

Speaker 97 You need to put yourself behind bars, bro.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 126 I was just happy to be there.

Speaker 66 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 127 He tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, let me show you how it's done.
And then he picked this Mexican woman up and he put her up against the wall of the trailer house.

Speaker 34 Well, they wound up falling through the wall into

Speaker 144 her Theo's room.

Speaker 127 And she starts freaking out. I go, man, they're calling the cops, you know? And so we drove back home.
My mom's Jeep. I wrecked it halfway there.
And then cops got him out.

Speaker 25 This is enough.

Speaker 26 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 34 The longest

Speaker 3 sex story ever.

Speaker 26 I mean, if you're going to make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines, laser.

Speaker 13 This is criminal.

Speaker 127 I'm just talking about my life.

Speaker 46 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Okay. Well,

Speaker 140 all right.

Speaker 20 What are you on tonight?

Speaker 7 I'm not on anything.

Speaker 127 I mean, we had a little Mexican food and stuff, and I drank a couple of margaritas, but that's about it.

Speaker 11 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 140 Adderall. Yeah.

Speaker 20 All right.

Speaker 35 There it is.

Speaker 35 There's the.

Speaker 141 I'm not going to lie to you. There's been a lot of Adderall today.

Speaker 107 There's the.

Speaker 20 It's Monday.

Speaker 150 You know, who hates Mondays?

Speaker 16 Got to celebrate.

Speaker 129 Dude, I would love it.

Speaker 101 I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now.

Speaker 35 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 You'd eat it. You'd eat it.

Speaker 10 I love it, dude.

Speaker 25 Uncle Laser, we're going to get you out of here.

Speaker 20 We're going to get to the bucket.

Speaker 41 Way to get it started.

Speaker 15 Uncle Laser.

Speaker 16 Uncle Laser might be.

Speaker 103 He might need two of these.

Speaker 35 He might need a fucking.

Speaker 15 Oh, here we go.

Speaker 130 My God.

Speaker 14 There she is, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 80 It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 123 Wow. Thank you.

Speaker 69 Unbelievable.

Speaker 153 Wow, there's a desperate horny man in the middle of the room yelling things at Heidi.

Speaker 53 Okay, to the bucket we go. This is where we meet people.

Speaker 50 Chaos happens.

Speaker 80 And we find out more about them.

Speaker 48 Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted.
Going to your first bucket pool.

Speaker 45 Goes by the name of Zeth Burton, everyone.

Speaker 149 Zeth Burton.

Speaker 104 Alright, how are we doing, everybody? Yeah? You know, it's I'm pretty tall. I come up here, I'm 6'5, you know, 200 pounds.
You see any ladies out there. But anyway, so I hit about 6'5, 200 pounds.

Speaker 104 I was 12 years old. And, you know, no one really tells you, like, that's, you deal with a lot of stuff.
Like, I was, like, my nickname's like saggy because I have saggy nipples, you know, like.

Speaker 104 Okay, you can laugh. It's fine.

Speaker 122 Anything like that.

Speaker 104 Also, it's like they call me Shrek, my football team, you know.

Speaker 104 and uh like no one tells you like as soon as you as soon as i hit 12 years old you know no one wanted to molest me anymore man it was over you know god all right this is a comic oh god but oh man

Speaker 104 you know but

Speaker 104 i'm from texas get up for texas everybody yeah yeah

Speaker 104 all right let's chill out okay um yeah like Growing up in Texas, high school is a lot different out here. Like, we bring anything but a car to school day, so they're showing up in horses and

Speaker 104 And, you know, in career days, they're showing up in white hoods and crosses. You know, it's pretty crazy.

Speaker 77 I love it, man. Oh, I mean, no, I.

Speaker 49 Oh, shoot. Okay.

Speaker 19 I think that's it. Do you want to finish?

Speaker 53 Was there something big that you're getting to there?

Speaker 14 I mean,

Speaker 53 Arlen's saying no.

Speaker 25 No, go ahead. Finish it.

Speaker 104 Oh, I was to say, like, you know, when I was 15, we had like gun safety classes because they wanted to get to those school shooters early, you know? But they wish they had gotten me, though. I mean.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 107 All right, Zeth Burton.

Speaker 83 Let's talk it out here for a second.

Speaker 103 You know what I find amazing?

Speaker 82 I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Lazer's last story.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 157 Strangely enough, we have heard of two 12.

Speaker 160 100% of the comedians tonight have talked about their sex life at the age of 12.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 20 And in particular, getting molested.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Where did the molestation happen, my guy?

Speaker 104 I mean, you know, like dogs and stuff, you you know.

Speaker 94 A dog molested you. Yeah, man.

Speaker 104 I stole a shoe from a dog. It mounted me, man.
And it just, like, just totally kept it tight, so it penetrated me, man.

Speaker 49 Well, it's

Speaker 95 right, man.

Speaker 99 You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes.

Speaker 104 Hey, like, I saw, like, there was another girl who she was like, I was going to save her shoe, you know? Like, we were 12 years old. I was like, oh, this is it.

Speaker 104 And she, I could, you know, there's no riz to get, like, if she watches me.

Speaker 50 Jesus, Seth.

Speaker 94 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 114 Holy shit.

Speaker 117 All right, let's talk about it.

Speaker 34 Put the crutch down for a second.

Speaker 114 Oh, my.

Speaker 40 Yeah, this is got a whole fucking wheelchair.

Speaker 94 Forget about the crutch.

Speaker 14 Oh, Lord.

Speaker 162 Man.

Speaker 31 Okay, so, Zeth,

Speaker 78 how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 104 Let's see, close to two years now. Two years.

Speaker 49 Where at?

Speaker 104 Mostly now in Los Angeles, but I started here in Dallas.

Speaker 24 You started here in Dallas, and now you live in Los Angeles.

Speaker 23 Yeah. What brought you here?

Speaker 104 Well, it's my mom's birthday this week, so I came for that, and I was like, you know what, what, let's drive three hours to, you know, let's do this. Right.

Speaker 70 Right.

Speaker 13 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 18 Is this your first time signing up for the show?

Speaker 104 It is. Or it's not.
It's my third time. Okay.

Speaker 163 This is your first time on the show.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 164 Are you any relation to Jack Nicholson?

Speaker 104 Oh, I wish, yeah.

Speaker 165 You have a crazy fucking face.

Speaker 35 Yeah, there it is.

Speaker 38 Wow, there it is.

Speaker 11 Look at that. Wow.

Speaker 14 I nailed it.

Speaker 5 It's assumed to my face.

Speaker 104 Man. Someone said I look like Quentin Tarantino, but.

Speaker 120 No.

Speaker 104 Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 14 Okay. Now.

Speaker 104 I'm going to kill myself.

Speaker 83 So, Zeth, how old are you? I'm 25. 25.

Speaker 166 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 104 I work at give tours at a movie studio.

Speaker 34 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 84 And how long have you been doing that for?

Speaker 104 About two years. I got the job immediately as I moved out there.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 113 Can you imagine this guy being your tour guide at the end?

Speaker 102 You better give me a fucking tip.

Speaker 34 Or I'm going to follow you fucking home, Wendy.

Speaker 104 Oh, yeah. Oh, work and no play makes Jack a dull dull boy.

Speaker 96 Okay, don't make me fall in love with you guy.

Speaker 82 Can you do me a favor and lick the air for a second?

Speaker 135 I can. There we go.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 97 He's definitely part of Laser Story.

Speaker 167 This is it.

Speaker 48 We found Uncle's Nephew.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 48 So, Zeth, you're out there, you're giving tours, you're in LA, and you came here to celebrate your mom's birthday.

Speaker 14 Did it already happen?

Speaker 104 It did already happen, yeah.

Speaker 79 What did you guys do to celebrate mom's birthday?

Speaker 104 She bought me some boots, and uh

Speaker 104 and she also took me to a rangers game yeah uh-huh and then uh

Speaker 104 yeah yeah they suck um uh-huh but uh i also uh i mean i paid 200 bucks to get over here so that's kind of like the the big gift for her because 200 bucks so you got your round trip flight for 200 bucks yeah where did you book who do what airline is this american american oh yeah 200 round trip from l A to Austin

Speaker 154 incredible.

Speaker 49 Look at that. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 104 It's probably the worst flight I have ever experienced.

Speaker 169 Why?

Speaker 157 Oh, no.

Speaker 104 Well, you see, whenever there's turbulence, sometimes people don't really understand what that means.

Speaker 164 What does it mean to you, Zach?

Speaker 104 Well, because whenever I'm on a flight, I'm just picturing, I'm going to die when I'm on the flight.

Speaker 104 Just in my head, I kind of like view like the, if the plane's going to crash, I don't know it's going to crash, so I just assume that it's going to happen.

Speaker 49 Right.

Speaker 58 So anything that happens, I'm just ready, I'm ready to die.

Speaker 156 Like, you know, I don't, like, I don't have.

Speaker 36 Keep going, yeah.

Speaker 63 I have.

Speaker 34 I have a lot of regrets, but I mean, when you die, you die.

Speaker 104 You don't really, no one's going to tell you when it's going to happen, so it's going to happen what it happens so have you ever died

Speaker 104 there was one time I thought I was gonna die but you haven't died no I haven't died not yet shut the fuck up all right yeah

Speaker 55 exactly all these fears for absolutely nothing like tell us something you know about guy yeah have you really come close to dying at any point turbulence has zero a zero negative effects on a flight it's a natural thing and doesn't it doesn't mean fucking anything it doesn't know your risk of dying is the exact same as when the flight is completely smooth I know this because as some of you know I am a professional pilot Yeah, I'm also a Canadian doctor very good perfect timing on that it's actually a good thing right like when you when you feel the plane go up like that that means that you've got lift or thrust under the wings that's the first law of aerodynamics dairy queen liquor yeah

Speaker 24 it is true it is absolutely true what are you into you can't possibly want to be a tour guide for your entire life So,

Speaker 52 what are your main goals here?

Speaker 104 Well, my main goal is to be a comedian, believe it or not. But, you know,

Speaker 104 I used to be really fat, like I said, so I also want to own my own gym someday.

Speaker 132 Do that.

Speaker 104 And outside of that,

Speaker 104 I ain't got no ambitions.

Speaker 146 You have a chance

Speaker 90 at owning your own gym someday.

Speaker 29 I would pull all efforts into that.

Speaker 82 How fat were you, my guy?

Speaker 13 Like, how fat? 300 pounds. 300?

Speaker 49 Yeah. 300.

Speaker 34 Wow.

Speaker 95 What was the fattest part?

Speaker 106 The arse, the legs, the chest.

Speaker 108 Did you have a gut?

Speaker 10 Like, talk to me. Describe it.

Speaker 13 Not for me.

Speaker 96 For that guy there.

Speaker 143 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Probably like the whole belt right here.

Speaker 104 Like you have those stretch marks over my stomach. Like I still got

Speaker 104 like the stretchy skin right here.

Speaker 35 I got my whole arms or all the shit. Can we see it?

Speaker 97 I love stretchy skin.

Speaker 31 Yeah, let's see that fucking.

Speaker 19 Oh shit.

Speaker 79 I do see.

Speaker 138 Oh,

Speaker 34 oh my god.

Speaker 31 Fucking absolutely.

Speaker 103 Can we see the belly meat?

Speaker 35 I love the stretchy belly meat.

Speaker 104 It's not as stretchy, man.

Speaker 70 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 70 Oh,

Speaker 122 that's

Speaker 122 not, yeah.

Speaker 104 That's why I show my arms.

Speaker 156 That wasn't bad at all.

Speaker 162 No.

Speaker 82 That was probably what you felt on the airplane, your own stomach slapping you in the face.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Yeah, it was blurbulence.

Speaker 95 That's what you. Did you just come up with an invent a new word?

Speaker 129 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Blurbulence. Blurbulence.

Speaker 103 Did you use it in a sentence?

Speaker 91 The fat man on my plane was affected by massive amounts of blurbulence.

Speaker 98 That is correct. That is correct.

Speaker 11 So Zeth,

Speaker 159 have you ever met anybody else named Zeth with a Z?

Speaker 104 You have? Yeah, my high school,

Speaker 104 I went to high school with somebody named Zeth, yes. And his brother's names were Zach and Zane.
My brother's names are Zach and Zane.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 49 Wow.

Speaker 100 A bunch of children of the corn over here, Harley.

Speaker 34 Very scary. Children of the popcorn, apparently.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 103 How scared are you on a scale of one to ten?

Speaker 60 Were you scared of that turbulence on the plane?

Speaker 95 Be honest.

Speaker 60 Don't be afraid to to look like a you know, a scaredy guy, like on a scale of one to ten.

Speaker 76 Don't be afraid to look like a big, tall pussy.

Speaker 71 Yeah,

Speaker 126 I mean,

Speaker 104 every time I fly, just about uh

Speaker 104 felt like I was gonna shit my pants on that plane.

Speaker 105 So, a tan? Yeah, I'd probably say a ten.

Speaker 13 Yeah, can I do something for you?

Speaker 64 What's that?

Speaker 13 Does that turn you on?

Speaker 14 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 104 I'm bricked up right now, man.

Speaker 77 Wow.

Speaker 79 What are you into, Zeth?

Speaker 51 Do you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 171 You're 6'5, according to you?

Speaker 104 I don't.

Speaker 104 Hey, according to my doctors, too, okay?

Speaker 125 Really?

Speaker 172 Yoni?

Speaker 100 Let's get a tape measure out here.

Speaker 27 I'm seeing 6'4 all day.

Speaker 16 Is anybody else thinking 6'4?

Speaker 33 This sounds like a 6'4 guy that's trying to add another inch.

Speaker 53 Well, I'm 6'0. This guy's saying 6'3 and a half right here.

Speaker 85 I'm hearing it.

Speaker 22 Do we have anybody?

Speaker 6 How many?

Speaker 85 Make some noise if you think he's 6'5

Speaker 16 Literally, nobody.

Speaker 84 Zeth, pop off one of your shoes.

Speaker 104 Pop off one of my shoes.

Speaker 33 Yeah, we're doing it shoeless, buddy.

Speaker 87 Stand on that left foot.

Speaker 53 There you go.

Speaker 107 Here we go. Uh-oh.

Speaker 74 Face the audience. Yep.

Speaker 91 I love how Yoni always makes him turn around.

Speaker 35 That way.

Speaker 19 All right. You're bending it a little bit, Yoni, just to let you know.

Speaker 74 Okay, that's perfect.

Speaker 26 Right there.

Speaker 130 Yep.

Speaker 116 Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well.

Speaker 131 6-4!

Speaker 16 Take it from me.

Speaker 21 I'm 5'10.

Speaker 82 Dude, you really know your guys.

Speaker 11 That's right.

Speaker 114 That's right.

Speaker 130 No doubt about it.

Speaker 19 I know my guys.

Speaker 33 That's why I know you're 6'2.

Speaker 173 Zeth, tell us the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here.

Speaker 104 Well, recently I was in Burbank, and you know how that intense... It's pretty intense over there, I guess, but

Speaker 104 not really, but it's pretty what over there? Intense.

Speaker 50 In what way?

Speaker 61 You live in a tent?

Speaker 104 Yeah, I do, actually.

Speaker 93 In what way is it intense?

Speaker 104 Well, generally it's not, but like I went over there once, I was over there at like 11 p.m at night and uh oh oh yeah

Speaker 20 you sure it wasn't 10 30

Speaker 95 hey i mean i got sir if you could sit the fuck down oh that's a waitress go ahead

Speaker 20 and this guy go ahead night stalker finish

Speaker 120 i mean

Speaker 104 this guy pulled up in his car and he asked me to come over to it like he said hey come over to my car so i you know i came over to his car and he he showed me this like this

Speaker 104 he showed me on his phone.

Speaker 104 This, like, he said, my girlfriend's been kidnapped, and he's scrolling through, like, the sex crafting website she was on, and then he showed me like a pit bull in his passenger seat.

Speaker 104 He's telling me, like, his family's been, like, replaced with clones, and that his landlord's replaced. He said the Armenian and Russian mafia are after him.
His hand was bleeding.

Speaker 104 I was just, and the whole time, I'm just trying not to

Speaker 104 laugh because I feel like if I did, he was going to kill me.

Speaker 165 But it was probably like the...

Speaker 91 Because he was, what, seven foot three?

Speaker 104 Yeah, he was.

Speaker 96 they're seven foot four actually, but yeah you know he's one of Uncle Laser's writers, right?

Speaker 103 Like this is just a continuation of the last story.

Speaker 104 What the fuck is Uncle Laser's dude?

Speaker 18 Seth, I'm gonna tell you what.

Speaker 63 I was gonna give you a medium-sized jokebook, but since you lied about your height by an inch, we're gonna go one inch smaller, and I'm gonna give you a little joke book.

Speaker 121 Thank you.

Speaker 16 Your first bucket pull of the night is Zeth Burton, everybody.

Speaker 94 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 73 Fun stuff, Seth.

Speaker 22 There he goes.

Speaker 73 Sign up again some other time.

Speaker 86 Maybe, perhaps your mother's next birthday.

Speaker 48 You can come back and sign up.

Speaker 128 What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate? One who comes when you call? One who doesn't forget to lock the doors?

Speaker 128 Maybe one who doesn't steal your milk, just a little bit at a time, hoping that you won't notice. At apartments.com, they understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet.

Speaker 128 They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

Speaker 128 And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet and with instant alerts you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

Speaker 128 Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Speaker 128 Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

Speaker 128 When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

Speaker 128 So if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place. Thanks, apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 59 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 175 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 170 He's going the distance.

Speaker 176 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 177 When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 59 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 67 Now, Charlie's sober. He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 175 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 59 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 175 We're past that, yeah. Somebody call action.

Speaker 68 AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 80 All right, we're gonna meet another one all together, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 159 Could be the next superstar of the show.

Speaker 49 Who knows?

Speaker 112 Make some noise for Ian Simon.

Speaker 167 Here we go.

Speaker 150 How you guys doing?

Speaker 96 Everybody good?

Speaker 40 Fantastic.

Speaker 35 Fantastic.

Speaker 156 Oh, this is fucking amazing. I got to take a piss so bad.
I just forgot to share it with you guys.

Speaker 179 Didn't have time.

Speaker 97 So I was thinking,

Speaker 57 do you think Muslims ever say Allah is the bomb?

Speaker 57 I was just thinking about random shit all the damn time.

Speaker 150 I was thinking like the best place to pick up women is probably planned parenthood.

Speaker 180 Because you know they you know they there's a good chance they put out and you know if things don't go well

Speaker 20 Just a suggestion.

Speaker 132 Let's see.

Speaker 181 You know what fucking sucks?

Speaker 150 I've been wearing hats my whole life, okay?

Speaker 180 Because I didn't want this cul-de-sac fucking thing.

Speaker 49 I don't mind it going bald, but why isn't it just all bald, okay?

Speaker 181 Why the fuck is it just doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 57 You get the cul-de-sac, and then what is this?

Speaker 6 Anybody else bald out there?

Speaker 182 Don't lie to me. There's lights.

Speaker 134 I can see you.

Speaker 129 It gleams.

Speaker 181 Anyway, this thing, this fucking island. Why is there a fucking island? Oh.

Speaker 26 Wow. I'm going to stop you right there, Ian.

Speaker 114 Holy shit.

Speaker 36 My God. Hi, Ian.

Speaker 30 How are you?

Speaker 31 Tony.

Speaker 140 Hello. Fuck, this is crazy.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 12 How are you doing? The band.

Speaker 30 Okay. Hi, Ian.

Speaker 130 Over here, buddy. Over here, Ian.

Speaker 34 I had a pair of those. Oh, boy, Ian.

Speaker 83 Hi, pal. How are you, buddy?

Speaker 94 I'm fucking amazing.

Speaker 112 Welcome.

Speaker 78 How long have you been doing stand-up, Ian?

Speaker 182 In total, probably two years, a year and a half, two years.

Speaker 49 Okay, where at?

Speaker 82 Here, here.

Speaker 182 I moved here,

Speaker 182 let's see, about four or five years ago to do fucking comedy. And the first time I did it was out here.

Speaker 89 When you moved here four or five years ago to start doing it, what took you two or three years to start?

Speaker 57 So I did it right away when I came out.

Speaker 180 And I did it and kept doing it. And then things in life happened.

Speaker 112 What in life happened?

Speaker 180 My dad fucking died.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 62 How did he die?

Speaker 97 Diseases.

Speaker 34 How many? Yeah, how many diseases?

Speaker 57 Several. Oh, they were, so they were the ones that the

Speaker 100 dad made it sound like a fun pack, by the way.

Speaker 13 Oh, no, it fucking sucks, dude.

Speaker 40 I love my dad.

Speaker 34 We're really close.

Speaker 20 He had a great sense of humor.

Speaker 49 He did.

Speaker 62 Yeah, he did.

Speaker 20 I don't know. This is bullshit.

Speaker 150 But like, you know, growing up, Abbott and Costello and

Speaker 35 that type of stuff.

Speaker 34 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 147 And what do you fucking laughing at?

Speaker 103 What do you do for work, Ian, Simon what's that sir Jesus Christ you know what I thought of when I first looked at him I you know if I gotta be don't take this the wrong way guy but when you first walked out I thought I've always wondered what it looked like if Shrek was peeled

Speaker 142 fucking wow yeah

Speaker 20 and that's a compliment guy thank you

Speaker 7 onions and onions have layers and odors have layers.

Speaker 34 That's right, my guy.

Speaker 26 Ian Simon, what do you do for work?

Speaker 181 That's a good fucking question, Tony.

Speaker 150 So

Speaker 150 I've been on, I was on disability for 20 years.

Speaker 50 What was the disability?

Speaker 132 Well, I've had okay, we'll get personal here. Fuck it.

Speaker 57 I've had surgery on both feet, three knee surgeries, twice on the left rotator.

Speaker 66 What happened?

Speaker 181 Up to 13 fucking hernias, dude.

Speaker 63 What happened to your feet and knees?

Speaker 62 Adrenaline. What happened?

Speaker 182 Adrenaline junkie just through the the years of...

Speaker 52 So what were you doing?

Speaker 71 Oh, shit.

Speaker 34 Ian.

Speaker 57 I like to go fast.

Speaker 20 I was a passenger in a lot of them.

Speaker 180 Mine were mainly with inanimate objects. About 13, don't count anything under 50 miles an hour.

Speaker 122 It's quite impressive. I'm retarded.

Speaker 2 Is that a jewel underneath your eye?

Speaker 159 Is that a piercing of some kind?

Speaker 134 There's a piece of jewelry there.

Speaker 34 It's a dermal.

Speaker 57 It's a what? A dermal.

Speaker 27 What does that mean?

Speaker 182 It means that they go into your face with a little screwdriver that's got a round razor on it.

Speaker 50 Okay, let me ask you this, Ian Simon.

Speaker 160 I'm gonna ask you another question so you talking doesn't have to happen.

Speaker 136 I noticed during your set, there was a part because I pay a little bit of attention.

Speaker 36 I noticed a part where you were performing and you kind of went like that a little bit, right?

Speaker 44 Yeah, maybe. Were you pushing one of your teeth into your gum line?

Speaker 95 At least 16.

Speaker 110 What that's a different answer to a different number.

Speaker 91 Do you even know what I just asked you?

Speaker 97 Yeah, something about teeth.

Speaker 147 Yeah.

Speaker 79 So 16 what?

Speaker 180 That was just a random number.

Speaker 25 Okie-dokie, Ian Simon, everybody.

Speaker 74 There he goes.

Speaker 130 You shouldn't be out in public anymore, Ian.

Speaker 15 I think we got a winner here.

Speaker 106 You win the silver crutch, my guy.

Speaker 95 Take that home.

Speaker 90 You won the silver crutch.

Speaker 16 Absolutely.

Speaker 73 You just handed a person a weapon on this stage, Harlan.

Speaker 85 There he goes.

Speaker 95 And this is the guy with all the feet surgery.

Speaker 6 There he goes.

Speaker 50 Ian Simon, everybody.

Speaker 85 There he goes.

Speaker 95 There you go, buddy. There he goes.
There you go.

Speaker 19 Bye-bye, Ian.

Speaker 94 There you go, buddy.

Speaker 35 You're gonna need it for those feet and legs. Okay.

Speaker 96 That was perfect.

Speaker 101 It was a perfect time.

Speaker 52 There he goes, Ian Simon, everybody.

Speaker 50 It's an Austin police officer I just saw when the curtain opened.

Speaker 124 Pretty sure he's just gonna get arrested now, everybody.

Speaker 136 This is a real life show.

Speaker 157 Anything can happen.

Speaker 3 I feel sorry for that crutch, I gotta tell you.

Speaker 140 Well.

Speaker 84 Anything can happen here believe it or not that guy's been doing it for two years

Speaker 78 Okay, make some noise for your next comedian

Speaker 157 Lucas

Speaker 3 Lucas Hinderleiter Lucas Hinderlighter This is kill time.

Speaker 95 Oh Wow, thank you guys My name's Lucas.

Speaker 58 I just moved to Austin recently.

Speaker 156 I've been dating a little bit since I got out here.

Speaker 174 Most recently, I was in a relationship with a non-binary person.

Speaker 58 Yeah, someone who identifies as they, them.

Speaker 183 And it was cool. You know, we had a good relationship.

Speaker 174 I will say the hardest part about dating a they, them is we would get into arguments, and I didn't know if I could hit them.

Speaker 15 You know?

Speaker 134 Yeah, like, tell me which one you are.

Speaker 34 Are you a boy or a girl?

Speaker 59 You know?

Speaker 3 Can I hit you?

Speaker 183 Or can we have a beer and watch the football game?

Speaker 77 What are we?

Speaker 120 What are we doing?

Speaker 174 Thank you guys.

Speaker 126 A little bit about my name's Lucas Hinderleiter.

Speaker 174 People often, when they hear my name, they'll say things like, oh, Hinderleiter, that's a pretty German name. That sounds like a Nazis name.
Yeah, and that's when I tell them it was actually

Speaker 34 my grandpa.

Speaker 35 All right. I'm going to stop.

Speaker 20 There's the bear.

Speaker 107 There you go. You got it.

Speaker 136 Welcome to the show, Lucas Hinderleiter.

Speaker 90 I'm happy to say you are the fourth comedian that went on stage today and the first one to do a joke.

Speaker 15 Congratulations.

Speaker 131 It's a shocking episode.

Speaker 73 If there was a reverse silver crutch to give out, he would get it right now.

Speaker 151 Well, I love that they didn't react to the molestation joke, but they really warmed up to the domestic violence.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 51 This is a crowd that likes to see someone get what they deserve.

Speaker 135 By the way, were you shrimping earlier today? What's going on here?

Speaker 184 You do have a look.

Speaker 35 You have a look like you were on a boat with a purpose.

Speaker 136 Were you on a boat today no this is how you dress normally for land no

Speaker 50 no this hat's new i put this hat on today i thought this is a good look where'd you get the hat from uh gas station yep i had a feeling yeah it's got gas station energy yeah i thought it was black turns out it's green okay yeah it looks green how about the shirt what are you wearing what are you what who are you wearing uh this is george from walmart wow incredible more like bi curious george from walmart Yeah, take a sip for that victorious joke.

Speaker 129 Guest of the year.

Speaker 38 Okay, Lucas Hinderleiter.

Speaker 61 So welcome. Is your grandpa really a Nazi?

Speaker 126 No, he fought in Vietnam.

Speaker 34 Oh, okay, perfect.

Speaker 26 For the Americans.

Speaker 126 Yeah, made all the Jews he killed really confusing.

Speaker 50 Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 47 I mean, Vietnamese, Jews, both good at hiding, both good at math.

Speaker 11 They have a lot in common.

Speaker 34 Okie dokie.

Speaker 18 Lucas, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 97 About nine years.

Speaker 111 Nine years. Where at?

Speaker 140 Nine.

Speaker 14 There you go. Red band.

Speaker 153 Red band.

Speaker 17 Where's your sound effect, Red Band?

Speaker 22 You did it, buddy.

Speaker 130 That's a big one for you. That's a big one for my little boy, isn't it?

Speaker 35 Where's it at?

Speaker 116 Where's it at, buddy?

Speaker 74 You know where your sound effects are.

Speaker 15 Repam

Speaker 20 with a 999.

Speaker 10 German reference.

Speaker 95 Yeah, I started in St.

Speaker 33 Louis. St.
Louis.

Speaker 40 How long have you been in Austin?

Speaker 99 Like a year.

Speaker 114 Okay.

Speaker 50 What do you love about Austin, Texas?

Speaker 13 I don't really, man. I don't really like this one.

Speaker 40 Wow, you miss St. Louis?

Speaker 126 Well, I lived in New York before I moved.

Speaker 82 New York City.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 161 And you prefer New York City?

Speaker 95 I like it.

Speaker 63 What do you like about it?

Speaker 13 I like the energy, man.

Speaker 59 I don't know.

Speaker 58 I like, you know, you wake up, there's people walking around, makes you want to get out of bed.

Speaker 24 You live out in the country here or something?

Speaker 159 You don't see people walking around?

Speaker 183 No, I live pretty north, though. It's not.

Speaker 36 You ever thought about moving downtown where people are walking around with energy?

Speaker 31 No.

Speaker 23 Well, you should, because we got that too.

Speaker 84 Okay.

Speaker 51 You don't have to step over migrants to do it.

Speaker 35 I like that part.

Speaker 31 Yeah, that's like you like the migrants.

Speaker 130 That's my favorite part.

Speaker 107 You would. You're a hinder-lighter.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 23 You believe in superiority.

Speaker 95 Yeah. I step on them.

Speaker 157 Wow.

Speaker 103 How do you say it with like a German accent in your last name?

Speaker 125 I don't know, dude. I don't fucking...

Speaker 34 I'm not German.

Speaker 40 Red Band's German.

Speaker 53 He's Hinder Lighter.

Speaker 50 He's Hinder heavier.

Speaker 94 You got you.

Speaker 20 Where's mine at?

Speaker 184 Like you can't you don't say around that like your grandparents don't say dases sin duleitza like something like that

Speaker 100 does that sound familiar guy?

Speaker 184 Dases Schinduleita.

Speaker 94 No, my grandmother was British.

Speaker 40 Okay, so that's funny. She said things.

Speaker 126 Yeah, she said things funny. Yeah.

Speaker 95 Dude, do you know what you are?

Speaker 3 At this point, you're like fucking International House of Pancakes.

Speaker 61 Like, where?

Speaker 82 What are you?

Speaker 13 British, German.

Speaker 161 You're red-headed, too.

Speaker 115 It's interesting.

Speaker 161 You look Irish. You're wearing green.

Speaker 107 You got red hair.

Speaker 28 You're like a little Christmas guy.

Speaker 61 You're like the world's biggest elf.

Speaker 174 I get Irish a lot, yeah.

Speaker 58 I also get people telling me I'm not redheaded.

Speaker 96 People tell me I'm blonde.

Speaker 125 I don't know. Wow.
You know your hat's black, right?

Speaker 50 What do you do for work, hinderlighter?

Speaker 126 I sell motorcycles.

Speaker 183 I'm a motorcycle salesman.

Speaker 126 I sold your producer a motorcycle.

Speaker 107 Really? Yoni?

Speaker 147 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 126 I sold him his motorcycle. He did.

Speaker 36 He got a secret motorcycle without telling me.

Speaker 91 I don't like my people close to me on motorcycles. It's very unsafe.

Speaker 51 I don't trust the other drivers.

Speaker 13 So I found out that he got a secret motorcycle one day.

Speaker 79 That's one of the two things.

Speaker 75 He lives a secret double life when I'm not around.

Speaker 91 One thing he does is he has a motorcycle.

Speaker 160 The other thing is he has wacky Martin Scorsese glasses that he wears.

Speaker 25 Big producer glasses that he only wears when he thinks that he's not going to run into me that night.

Speaker 74 Yeah, isn't that funny?

Speaker 33 And every once in a while, I'll give him a rare night off and we'll just randomly run into each other and there he is with these big fucking Robert De Niro in his fucking prime glasses.

Speaker 33 These obnoxious, magnified, just big square.

Speaker 6 Uh, and I'm positive.

Speaker 20 He goes from bar to bar going, well, I'm the executive producer of Kill Tony.

Speaker 50 Oh, you can tell by my fucking blocked up glasses.

Speaker 6 I should get on my motorcycle now.

Speaker 31 I purchased from Hinderleiter.

Speaker 103 Yeah, that's what I want to see.

Speaker 95 I want to be walking down the sidewalk and see Elton John burning ants.

Speaker 58 When I sold him that bike, he told me not to tell you.

Speaker 183 He told me not to bring it up.

Speaker 61 He was very like...

Speaker 35 Really?

Speaker 5 Yeah, he was...

Speaker 126 Because I told him I was a comic and I sign up and he was like, if you get on, don't bring this up.

Speaker 103 What kind of bike did you sell him?

Speaker 34 A Harley?

Speaker 13 A BMW.

Speaker 4 He's fancy.

Speaker 11 He's fucking...

Speaker 46 He went big.

Speaker 63 I care about the people close to me.

Speaker 75 And while Yoni is a very qualified motorcycle rider, driver,

Speaker 10 I don't like him being out there.

Speaker 159 I don't like Jews on BMWs.

Speaker 84 And I don't like Jews on motorcycles.

Speaker 51 Say Boston drivers, man.

Speaker 99 What about a Jew on an Indian?

Speaker 130 Well, you know what I call that.

Speaker 64 What?

Speaker 186 Dinner?

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 187 That's called the old two-for-one.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 95 Free red chicken.

Speaker 61 Put the fucking mic down.

Speaker 53 Lucas Hinderleiter, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 91 What are some hobbies of yours?

Speaker 90 You must have some interest.

Speaker 185 Some collections or something?

Speaker 35 No, I...

Speaker 9 Speak vikly, Levinderleiter.

Speaker 183 I mostly just ride motorcycles.

Speaker 3 You ever hit an animal like you're riding? Yeah.

Speaker 34 What did you hit?

Speaker 99 I hit a deer like two years ago.

Speaker 23 You hit a deer on a motorcycle?

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 13 What happened, guy?

Speaker 126 There's the sound of the deer for the yeah, I was going like 45.

Speaker 174 I broke all my ribs on this side.

Speaker 34 Wow.

Speaker 108 I don't care about you. What did you do to the deer?

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 128 Dude, I split that motherfucker in half.

Speaker 126 And so

Speaker 126 my dad had a couple drinks. He rode up next to me.

Speaker 58 He said, I can't stop. I'm going to get a DUI.

Speaker 13 And he kept riding. Right.

Speaker 150 So now I'm laying next to this.

Speaker 56 I'm laying next to the deer.

Speaker 126 We're both dying.

Speaker 114 What?

Speaker 95 And we're just watching each other take our last breath.

Speaker 34 Damn.

Speaker 20 Welcome to another episode of White Trash Bambi.

Speaker 4 This is incredible.

Speaker 103 Dude, was it at night?

Speaker 143 Yeah.

Speaker 97 You dummy.

Speaker 103 You would have been able to have seen the deer and he would have been able to see you if you were just holding up Zavindelite.

Speaker 106 I hope I get hit by a moose tonight after that joke.

Speaker 40 So let me ask you something, Lucas.

Speaker 52 Are you good at what you do?

Speaker 18 You good at selling motorcycles?

Speaker 50 You know what we're gonna do here?

Speaker 89 We're gonna have you sell me a motorcycle.

Speaker 63 Me, a guy who thinks that they are generally unsafe.

Speaker 48 Meanwhile, I'll fly an airplane with double engine failure because I don't have to worry about other people getting in my fucking way.

Speaker 163 So now, you sell me a motorcycle.

Speaker 80 Lighting and action.

Speaker 36 How are you doing today, sir?

Speaker 19 I'm good. I really don't want to be here.

Speaker 47 I'm just killing time while my boyfriend buys a motorcycle.

Speaker 34 So your boyfriend rides?

Speaker 6 He rides, all right.

Speaker 18 More of a nighttime rider after a couple drinks, and then he lays by his deer.

Speaker 25 That's me. I'm the gay deer.

Speaker 130 Okay.

Speaker 126 So are you looking you're looking to ride with him?

Speaker 158 Well, you know, we were thinking about getting me a little sidecart, but

Speaker 54 I kind of think I want to ride solo a little bit, go out on some joyrides at night, separate from the pack, from the

Speaker 1 pack of men.

Speaker 58 So you're looking to cruise.

Speaker 156 You're not looking to go fast?

Speaker 29 Yeah, I'm a cruiser.

Speaker 20 Cruiser?

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 13 All right. What should I get?

Speaker 99 Harley, for sure.

Speaker 58 Yeah, that's what all the gay guys get.

Speaker 14 Oh, okay.

Speaker 64 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 15 A little sportster?

Speaker 15 Yeah. A little sportster.

Speaker 89 A little sportster.

Speaker 50 What kind should I get, you think?

Speaker 182 Tony, for you, realistically,

Speaker 104 I'm talking real, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 77 Yeah. I think you need...

Speaker 164 265.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 140 Okay.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 126 You need a Rebel 500.

Speaker 183 That's what you need. Look it up.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 156 Why? Okay.

Speaker 49 It's a clamping number.

Speaker 13 Right, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 20 Why a rebel 500?

Speaker 58 I don't know, it's kind of a just a bland normal like nothing special about it bike

Speaker 126 What the it's like, you know, it's every girl starter bike

Speaker 16 You know what

Speaker 16 I'll take two

Speaker 74 One for me and one for the guest of the year, Harlan Williams

Speaker 95 Well, if it's a girls bike, just give me a Rebel Wilson 500.

Speaker 96 How about that?

Speaker 83 There you go.

Speaker 50 Lucas Hinderlighter.

Speaker 163 Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go?

Speaker 24 Switch back to normal lights.

Speaker 92 The motorcycle parts over, I think.

Speaker 49 No, happy to be here.

Speaker 3 You did good.

Speaker 91 You did damn good, Lucas.

Speaker 16 Sign up again. Here's the big joke book.
We'd love to have you.

Speaker 21 Very funny interview. Funny stuff.

Speaker 16 Lucas Hinderlighter has arrived to the Kiltoni universe.

Speaker 95 Not bad. Are you really going to get a bike, bro?

Speaker 170 No?

Speaker 103 I used to ride a Honda Shadow around.

Speaker 34 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 166 What's that like?

Speaker 94 Oh, it's like a chopper bike.

Speaker 98 Oh, the shadow.

Speaker 106 Road around Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Speaker 162 Huh.

Speaker 108 There's shadows everywhere.

Speaker 140 Wow.

Speaker 41 I had a shadow once, and then I...

Speaker 84 I hired him as the bass player in the band.

Speaker 34 Steve Magnez.

Speaker 96 He goes great with Russell Brand, by the way, I gotta tell you.

Speaker 96 Yeehoo!

Speaker 184 Good night, itchy eyes.

Speaker 109 Good night, sudden sneeze. Good night to your symptoms of allergies.
Xyzole is the allergy medicine you take before bed. It provides powerful relief while you rest your head.

Speaker 109 Not just all night, but all the next day. Xyzole keeps working, keeping allergies at bay.

Speaker 109 And without those annoying symptoms disturbing your rest, you can wake up the next morning feeling your absolute best. Remember, Be Wise All takes Zizole at night.

Speaker 88 New Icy Hot, nighttime recovery, relieves pain at nighttime while your body recovers.

Speaker 176 Icy Hot, you're so back.

Speaker 163 All right, we're flying through the bucket tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 32 This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Phil Smith.

Speaker 51 Let's go.

Speaker 93 Let's see.

Speaker 162 We have jokes back to back here. Phil Smith.

Speaker 59 You guys having fun at Kill Tony so far?

Speaker 34 Let him hear it.

Speaker 59 All right, so my girlfriend's dad's dead.

Speaker 13 Fine, don't clap.

Speaker 59 No, he died like before I met her, and recently she told me, I think my father sent you to me. And I said, babe.

Speaker 58 I had no idea you were schizophrenic.

Speaker 59 Which, I'll admit, isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend, but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is?

Speaker 124 Yeah, he did.

Speaker 59 I was wondering what that energy was. It was your dead father sending me to you.

Speaker 182 I am your gift.

Speaker 59 And then just like proceed to use that in our relationship. Like, hang on, he's coming through.

Speaker 34 He's saying, I'm right and you're wrong?

Speaker 124 Oh, you'd think your dad would have your back.

Speaker 156 Hold on, he's coming through again.

Speaker 59 I'm getting something. Shut up.
Shut the fuck up. Oh, I don't know why your dad's saying this.

Speaker 156 He's saying we should invite another woman into the bedroom?

Speaker 105 Thank you, guys. I've been Phil Smith.

Speaker 20 Okay, Phil Smith.

Speaker 15 All right, Phil, welcome. Keep it.

Speaker 63 Where are you from, Phil?

Speaker 59 Rochester, New York.

Speaker 14 Oh, God.

Speaker 133 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 115 Upstate New York, the absolute worst.

Speaker 80 How long have you been out of there?

Speaker 59 Since December.

Speaker 89 Congratulations.

Speaker 91 It's your first time being outside of Rochester?

Speaker 59 First time living outside of Rochester. Wow.

Speaker 49 Incredible.

Speaker 164 Congratulations. How old are you? I'm 28.
And what did you put your finger up there for for a second?

Speaker 14 You had like a hold on a second finger that you put up that I was completely ignored because I'm the host.

Speaker 111 Go ahead.

Speaker 34 Hold it right there. Yeah, I got something for you.

Speaker 23 Whenever you're ready, just do whatever you are.

Speaker 156 I just didn't know if you knew this.

Speaker 59 A certain one of your producers is also from Rochester.

Speaker 52 I absolutely do.

Speaker 11 I do know that.

Speaker 110 And I just found out he's out there buying motorcycles, the fucking guy.

Speaker 171 Secret motorcycles with special big glasses on

Speaker 59 oh you you like him all right the rochester connection me and yoni i know absolutely you've talked with yoni about this before never talked to him in my life but you just know he's from rochester um we know we know

Speaker 59 we know we know we know yeah there's like it's a smaller city and they're like If you tell someone you're from Rochester, they're like, you know who else is? Three other people.

Speaker 90 Yeah, and Yoni's one of those people.

Speaker 132 Wow.

Speaker 36 Just think after the inevitable motorcycle accident, he'll no longer be on that list.

Speaker 185 Thin in the pack.

Speaker 83 Absolutely.

Speaker 37 What do you do for work?

Speaker 59 Right now it's weird.

Speaker 59 I came here with like five grand.

Speaker 34 Are you a wizard?

Speaker 162 What do you mean it's weird?

Speaker 59 I came here from Hogwarts and came here with five grand and smoked it, went blew through it immediately. Yeah.

Speaker 59 My plan was to do like Instacart. A car car broke down very shortly after wow and i got hired at the vulcan former venue of killtony

Speaker 59 and um

Speaker 59 don't get scheduled there too much right so i did the natural thing anybody would do i just started playing poker full-time oh wow

Speaker 59 and uh i was able to pay my rent up until now just playing poker Where do you play online or

Speaker 59 real life?

Speaker 59 Well, one of the reasons I was excited to move here is because I've always played poker, and Austin, Texas also happens to have the best card room in the country it is true in fact yes without a doubt and the best heads-up uh poker player in the world doug poke doug poke you know this guy i met him here well i didn't know him at all and then one night after the taping of this show um

Speaker 5 uh

Speaker 54 People kept coming up to me going, do you know who the fuck's here?

Speaker 76 Doug Polk's here.

Speaker 54 Doug Polk is here.

Speaker 39 And I'm like, who the fuck is a Doug Polk? What's a Doug Polk?

Speaker 24 But all fucking night, I swear to God, god 15 20 people i'm like jesus christ so by the time like one 130 comes around finally here's this guy doug poke i'm doug poke bye bye nice to meet you

Speaker 54 i'm the best heads-up poker player in the world that's what everybody kept saying and i was already drunk at that point and i go i'm good at poker i'll fucking play you heads up

Speaker 24 and he goes and we go okay so we bet um the bet was if he wins because he wanted to do a minute on this show if he wins he gets to do a minute on this show if i win he gives me twenty $20,000.

Speaker 110 So there we are at Mitzi's after an episode, and we play heads-up poker, me and the best in the world.

Speaker 44 20 minutes later, guess who won $20,000 fucking dollars?

Speaker 115 Me.

Speaker 15 Thank you. Come on.

Speaker 14 For real?

Speaker 29 And at that point, since it had only been 20 minutes, but I was kind of warmed up, I go, I'll tell you what, even though I won, let's go double or nothing.

Speaker 92 Let's go $40,000

Speaker 111 versus

Speaker 50 a minute of stand-up comedy.

Speaker 40 And so I won $20,000.

Speaker 45 We doubled the bet to $40,000.

Speaker 96 Whoa, dude.

Speaker 78 And he's going to be any day now, he's going to be popping in on the show.

Speaker 115 So,

Speaker 15 yeah,

Speaker 173 he won.

Speaker 90 He won that second game.

Speaker 33 So be on the lookout for the best heads up.

Speaker 33 It was so much fun.

Speaker 25 No, it's not stupid.

Speaker 165 Well, silly.

Speaker 84 Yeah, silly's fun.

Speaker 36 Was he hot at least?

Speaker 34 Oh, red man.

Speaker 26 God, you need to really give up on the carbs or drinking or something.

Speaker 35 He has a bet right now.

Speaker 59 He has a bet right now for like a quarter million dollars that he has to get down to like 2% body fat.

Speaker 63 I don't know anything about that, but I'll tell you this: we had a hell of a good old time playing poker, and I can't believe that you're able to make a living doing it.

Speaker 34 Well, I was.

Speaker 59 I've paid my rent up until now, and in the past few weeks had like a $4,000 downswing. So

Speaker 59 all in all, in Austin, I am currently up $1,200.

Speaker 43 How are you going to pay rent at the end of this month?

Speaker 59 I mean, I got to hope I can make this $1,200 work.

Speaker 35 How much is rent?

Speaker 59 $1,000. Okay.

Speaker 72 But I'm going to have to play more poker.

Speaker 59 I mean, I can't just.

Speaker 35 Right.

Speaker 59 I can't just pay the $1,000, have $200. I have to buy in for $1,200, turn it into like $3,600, and then I go, oh, I'm chilling.
And then maybe lose that in between. Right.

Speaker 16 It's a whole thing.

Speaker 121 So when you're playing poker, you're really, your heart's beating out of your chest because it's life or death.

Speaker 59 I purposely talk about the fact, like, I need this.

Speaker 94 And then people are like, then he's not bluffing.

Speaker 162 Right. Like, he, he, he,

Speaker 20 it's rent money.

Speaker 99 Do you know how do you have a backup skill? Like, do you know how to do anything else?

Speaker 94 Like, yeah.

Speaker 101 Like, do you know how to bag fucking groceries?

Speaker 11 Yeah. I'm a

Speaker 99 I've got out a drive-through window.

Speaker 3 I mean, you got anything else, my guy?

Speaker 59 I delivered pizzas for 10 years.

Speaker 96 I'm pretty good at that.

Speaker 122 What do I do?

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 59 That was

Speaker 79 I'll give you $2,000 if you kill a guy holding a single silver crutch outside in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 20 Done.

Speaker 107 Should be easy to spot.

Speaker 53 It should be.

Speaker 47 He's not using it.

Speaker 50 He's just holding it.

Speaker 74 He's carrying it around, and he's probably being followed by police officers down the street, so it should be easy to find.

Speaker 59 I hope I get to him before they do.

Speaker 51 That's right.

Speaker 59 Need that two grand.

Speaker 18 Phil, anything else crazy we should know about you?

Speaker 99 Do you really have a girlfriend?

Speaker 102 Your opening joke was about your girlfriend's dead dad or something?

Speaker 122 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 13 Do you really have a girl?

Speaker 94 I really have a girl.

Speaker 3 What's going on with her, Brosephiosh?

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 59 I can get into this.

Speaker 34 Dish the dirt. Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 59 She's a new girlfriend. I met her at Creek in the Cave.
We were there for a Banana Phone. Creek in the Cave.

Speaker 59 I do want to let you guys know there's a free show every Sunday called Banana Phone.

Speaker 10 If you're in town for Killing.

Speaker 35 Let's not go.

Speaker 142 Let's go.

Speaker 35 Come on.

Speaker 59 I was there for that, and I met her, and I thought she was really hot. She is really hot.
She's way out of my league. And

Speaker 59 we just started small talking. It was going great.
I bought her a drink, and it got to the point where we sat, watched the show. I walked her to her car, and she goes, just so you know, I'm married.

Speaker 14 Okay, and then what?

Speaker 59 And then I was like, all right, well,

Speaker 59 I'm totally mature enough to be in a platonic relationship with a woman who's married.

Speaker 163 You're in a platonic relationship?

Speaker 104 No, no, no, that's what I thought at the time.

Speaker 43 Platonic. Yeah.

Speaker 156 That's the right word?

Speaker 95 No, that's when an earthquake happens.

Speaker 34 What's

Speaker 34 the word for

Speaker 114 platonic? Platonic.

Speaker 156 Yeah, so like, I thought we could catch an earthquake together or something.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Platonic. All right,

Speaker 107 I'll speed it up a little bit. No, you're doing good.

Speaker 36 She's going.

Speaker 59 She was going to like mics by herself and stuff. Her husband didn't support her doing comedy.
Wasn't a fan of you either. He didn't let her watch Kill Tony.

Speaker 11 He didn't let her watch Kill Tony?

Speaker 156 That's just what I heard. I don't need to give this guy more of a reason to murder me.

Speaker 59 So we're not going to talk too much about him.

Speaker 11 No, keep going. This is great.

Speaker 59 So I'm going to Mike's with her as a friend, as a platonic friend. And I'm really like in my head, like, damn, I've matured so much.
She's so hot, and I can just be her friend. And

Speaker 59 we're going to all the mics, we're going to all the mics, and

Speaker 59 eventually she just ghosts me. And I'm like, oh, did I weird her out or something? And so I texted her, didn't get a text back, and then a few days goes by, and I'm like, I'll send her one more.

Speaker 59 And she says, I was like, hey, did you like quit comedy or something? And she says,

Speaker 59 no, I'm going through some personal stuff.

Speaker 59 Turns out the personal stuff was she told her husband that she has feelings for me and then they started started the divorce process.

Speaker 153 Wow.

Speaker 153 Incredible.

Speaker 95 There he is. There he is right there.

Speaker 112 I have a few more questions now that we got a good

Speaker 23 real story out of you. Yeah.

Speaker 29 One is,

Speaker 89 when did you start hooking up with her?

Speaker 159 Was it before she started having feelings for you and this whole thing?

Speaker 59 Again, real mature of me. I waited because we're in Texas, so you really can't find me.

Speaker 137 Well, mature of you.

Speaker 18 Was there a chance, you think, for you to make a real move there?

Speaker 59 Did she?

Speaker 59 Not really so like everybody's like telling me the same thing like well if she left her husband to be with what do you think she's gonna do but as soon as she realized she had feelings for me she stopped talking to me worked it out with him and then filed for divorce and then we didn't hook up until it was finalized wow You didn't hook up till it was finalized?

Speaker 36 Like the paperwork?

Speaker 59 Till it was if you in Texas, if I was to, like, she could go to jail.

Speaker 34 Really?

Speaker 59 Before it's final. Yeah.
It's adultery, even if you have filed for divorce.

Speaker 34 I'm not getting married.

Speaker 121 You don't have to worry about that, Redman.

Speaker 123 So,

Speaker 113 like a walking soap opera guy.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 34 It's incredible. Gambling, wild women in the parking lot.

Speaker 125 What else is going on there, Relish Master?

Speaker 112 You play poker, you play tonic.

Speaker 51 This is incredible.

Speaker 35 It's a wild wild story.

Speaker 59 Everything else is pretty chill, honestly. I mean, I think I told you the bulk of my stress and craziness.

Speaker 161 So this guy didn't let her watch Kill Tony. Do you know why he didn't let her watch Kill Tony?

Speaker 3 That's such a random, fucking weird thing.

Speaker 59 Again, he's going to see this, and he's probably going to hunt me down and kill me, but I do know

Speaker 59 it was like around one of your first cancellations.

Speaker 59 This is secondhand information, so I'm sure if you're watching this, hearsay.

Speaker 20 But

Speaker 59 he was like, after Tony said that Asian stuff, you're going to still watch that show?

Speaker 140 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 61 He's a f ⁇ ing.

Speaker 20 Incredible.

Speaker 64 I actually think he's really cool.

Speaker 74 Phil Smith, a great performance, a great interview.

Speaker 41 Here's the big joke book, my friend.

Speaker 51 Congratulations.

Speaker 15 Phil Smith, everybody.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 107 How fun, huh?

Speaker 95 And what's great is that's his last performance ever.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 53 It's gonna be Kill Phil.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 95 Does that hurt your feelings that someone like wouldn't watch you because of you?

Speaker 107 If those are the people that aren't watching because of some because the news told them that I'm a racist, those Those are the people I don't want watching.

Speaker 115 Yeah. So it works out perfectly.

Speaker 41 I ended up with the exact fan base that I wanted to.

Speaker 15 People

Speaker 15 that

Speaker 116 focus on what's in front of them, not what they're being told by others.

Speaker 91 Or else I'd be a Nazi.

Speaker 84 That's what they called me.

Speaker 91 They said I performed at a Nazi rally.

Speaker 91 And then I'm against Latinos, even though these are the four most expensive fucking dates you can imagine.

Speaker 80 Every goddamn Monday.

Speaker 51 Had a Zoom call with Carlos Sosa today.

Speaker 141 He's telling me how much he was getting paid on the Kelly Clarkson show.

Speaker 34 This fucking guy. Look at him.

Speaker 50 Yeah, Kelly fucking Clarkson.

Speaker 52 Goddamn ABC network I'm competing against.

Speaker 34 Like, well, Kelly Clarkson was giving me.

Speaker 94 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 130 Look at him.

Speaker 14 Look at him over there.

Speaker 91 Look at him. He's about to play the flute.

Speaker 31 Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for one of our absolutely great esteemed regulars.

Speaker 165 I present to you a young man who is absolutely living everyone's dreams.

Speaker 125 You name it. New Netflix deal.
New this, new that.

Speaker 128 We'll probably find find out all about it real soon.

Speaker 86 This is a brand new minute from one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 115 This is Cam Patterson.

Speaker 7 Hell, what's up, man?

Speaker 66 I'm proud of myself, dog. I got a girlfriend now who've been for eight months.
And for the first time, two days ago, I made that bitch come. I'm proud of myself.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Yeah, nigga.

Speaker 66 Yeah, eight months, no comes, nigga, nothing. We were fucking.
I go, baby, did you come? And she would go, no. And I would go, damn, good night every time.
Two bad bitch. Good night every single time.

Speaker 9 But this night was different.

Speaker 49 It was different.

Speaker 66 Well, kind of the same. We took mushrooms.
I fucked her. She didn't come.
I said, did you come? She wouldn't know. I said, damn, went to sleep, right?

Speaker 66 Only thing that was different was earlier that day, my girlfriend has a roommate. And her roommate brought this dude over, like a lame-ass white dude.
He was a real porn dexter.

Speaker 141 He was a bitch, like a real fuck nigga.

Speaker 40 You understand?

Speaker 141 And I met him him and he was like, how you doing good to me?

Speaker 66 So what's up, pussy, right?

Speaker 161 He was a bitch.

Speaker 66 So you talked to bitches. What's up, pussy? How you doing, brother? And I went back in the room, right?

Speaker 12 And then the night came.

Speaker 66 And when I was trying to go to sleep off the mushrooms, that the fucking mileted, peacefully, I just heard from the other room this lame ass nigga fucking the shit out of her roommate.

Speaker 147 It was just like, wah, wah!

Speaker 11 The whole, ah, wah!

Speaker 8 He's in there hurting her. Oh my God, what's going on?

Speaker 66 And then, right, when I started to think about it, the mushrooms kicked in. And my brain just went, you gonna let that white boy out fuck you, nigga?

Speaker 66 And I felt my ancestors grab my back.

Speaker 8 It was Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and Third Girl Marshall.

Speaker 66 And I put my shoes off of trash and I made that bitch come, nigga.

Speaker 16 I'll make campout that guy.

Speaker 15 Fuck you.

Speaker 95 Can I ask you a question right out of the gate? Those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time?

Speaker 11 God.

Speaker 82 Yeah, they weren't fucking there playing women's tennis.

Speaker 48 Cam Patterson has

Speaker 112 done it again.

Speaker 117 It was her first come.

Speaker 66 First come. First come.

Speaker 141 Wow.

Speaker 161 What did you have to do to do that?

Speaker 66 What did you do differently? Do with the mushrooms.

Speaker 52 Yeah, but like, do you remember?

Speaker 20 Like, was there some type of thrusting motion?

Speaker 7 They said it.

Speaker 34 It was the mushroom.

Speaker 66 No, no, no, nigga, wait a minute.

Speaker 66 I had to put shoes on for traction.

Speaker 50 You put shoes on.

Speaker 10 Yeah, nigga,

Speaker 66 butt-ass naked, foam posits on, nigga.

Speaker 31 So you were wearing exclusively only shoes.

Speaker 66 Only shoes. Socks and shoes, but only shoes.

Speaker 141 Wow.

Speaker 66 Butt-ass naked, only shoes on.

Speaker 147 And I was going as hard as I could.

Speaker 66 I want to figure it out.

Speaker 34 Fuck. And he was going hard over there.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Yeah, he was going crazy over there.

Speaker 96 You can make it go even further if you wear golf shoes, buddy.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 141 Yeah, you can. That's going to do it.

Speaker 97 They got the spikes in them, my guy.

Speaker 107 Yeah, you can really get in.

Speaker 66 I never knew this. This is good to know.
White people's shit.

Speaker 147 Hell yeah.

Speaker 10 Gulf shoes.

Speaker 20 Just make sure it's not a water bed you're on.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 74 Or else we know you can't swim.

Speaker 107 Because that would be a mess.

Speaker 90 That is quite the mess.

Speaker 79 So she told you that she had never come before.

Speaker 66 I always ask her. She always says no.

Speaker 91 You always ask. I always ask.

Speaker 38 Did you come?

Speaker 66 And she'd be like, no, I'd be like, damn, too bad, bitch.

Speaker 66 I don't really care, but I would like to know. You feel what I'm saying?

Speaker 141 Don't bother me. I already won.
I'm happy. I'm having a good time.

Speaker 66 Give a fuck about what she got going on over there.

Speaker 53 You're right.

Speaker 161 You were ready to go to sleep.

Speaker 66 Night, night time, brother.

Speaker 10 You feel what I'm saying?

Speaker 50 Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

Speaker 7 There it goes.

Speaker 13 Hell yeah.

Speaker 103 I don't want to be too nosy, but have you ever come?

Speaker 98 Mosh.

Speaker 66 Every time.

Speaker 28 100.

Speaker 100 I got to ask what's that sound like.

Speaker 66 It's a lot of that.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 74 It's just a lot of cross-eyed energies.

Speaker 50 Oh, there's a little noise there.

Speaker 138 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 147 My head down.

Speaker 10 It's a lot of that.

Speaker 53 somebody called the police.

Speaker 20 They heard that. Someone called the police.

Speaker 31 Someone called the police.

Speaker 8 Hey, who are these niggas, man?

Speaker 35 I go for two weeks.

Speaker 120 Who are these lame ass niggas?

Speaker 15 Who are these?

Speaker 138 Fuck going on.

Speaker 11 They're not lame. They're cool.

Speaker 66 I mean, that guy's cool. That guy lame as fuck, man.

Speaker 20 What are you talking about?

Speaker 66 This guy cool as shit.

Speaker 20 That guy's lame as hell, man.

Speaker 66 Hey, cool, but who the fuck is that guy, man?

Speaker 103 Hey, you be nice to Russell Brown.

Speaker 34 Relax.

Speaker 66 Who the fuck is that, man?

Speaker 95 What does he sound like when he comes?

Speaker 66 He probably sounds like a smooth jazz player. He probably sounds cool as shit.

Speaker 74 Oh, the piano player? Yeah.

Speaker 80 No doubt about it.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 83 It's like, yeah.

Speaker 191 There you go, baby. Hell yeah.

Speaker 34 You came, I came. Good night.

Speaker 66 We all came. He probably say nigga when he comes too.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 141 He cool enough, though. I came, nigga.

Speaker 138 Hell yeah.

Speaker 107 Absolutely.

Speaker 97 Do you come fast, like normally?

Speaker 34 Like how long do you come?

Speaker 35 Wait a minute, Red Man.

Speaker 66 What the fuck we got going on, man?

Speaker 35 So stupid.

Speaker 33 Every once in a while, he takes the word co-host to heart and tries to ask his own question.

Speaker 156 People come faster.

Speaker 7 Who said that?

Speaker 144 Who told you that?

Speaker 148 Nobody. Nobody.

Speaker 112 He just says stuff randomly.

Speaker 10 What the fuck was that, Red Man?

Speaker 66 We was all having to do this. He was like, do you come quick, nigga?

Speaker 66 How fast do you come, Cam? I got questions about this shit.

Speaker 105 Yep.

Speaker 35 It is an interesting question, my band.

Speaker 13 Very interesting.

Speaker 110 So, Cam, what else is going on in life?

Speaker 38 Shit, I like, man.

Speaker 66 I've been running around doing shit. I'm acting now.
I'll be acting and shit, man.

Speaker 141 Yeah. Hell yeah.
You're going to act.

Speaker 66 I think I can tell him what the big one is.

Speaker 24 Okay, we're not going to tell him about the big one yet.

Speaker 66 But yeah, I'm in some shit.

Speaker 57 It's weird.

Speaker 66 It's weird being like around real actors because I don't act.

Speaker 66 I'm me. You feel me? When I went to my audition, I remember it was a nigga in there, and I asked him, I said, hey, man,

Speaker 66 how you got started acting? He was like, you know, I was in the Lion King when I was eight. i was simple i was like damn at school he was like nah broadway i was like i shouldn't be here

Speaker 66 i shouldn't be in this room at all dog this is diabolical but you know it's cool though i with it for example yeah can i ask you don't have to tell me what is but is it dramatic acting or comedy acting oh no i'm playing a retard but

Speaker 35 well you don't really have to act to do that

Speaker 66 Wait a minute, what the fuck you just said?

Speaker 97 If you weren't a retard, you would have got it quicker.

Speaker 66 No, I had to think about it, but fuck you, are you?

Speaker 95 Think about that next time you come.

Speaker 66 I pray to God I don't.

Speaker 97 I'll be there to hold you, son.

Speaker 149 I love it.

Speaker 95 I'm just acting.

Speaker 20 I'm just acting.

Speaker 97 Dude, congratulations.

Speaker 7 You like acting? It's cool.

Speaker 6 I fuck with it. Hell yeah.

Speaker 108 Did you think you would, you know, when you started your journey, you'd go into acting, or is that something that came way out of nowhere for you?

Speaker 66 Came out of left field, but I fuck with it, though.

Speaker 12 I think it's good. It's cool.

Speaker 103 I'm going to give you some advice because, like you said, you didn't see it coming.

Speaker 99 Just jump in and take it, man. Don't be afraid.
Just go for it.

Speaker 151 Just like you do out here.

Speaker 34 Just go for it, man.

Speaker 20 You're going to be good.

Speaker 167 Absolutely.

Speaker 15 I'm good to love you. Thank you for you.

Speaker 83 And if you ever need to be inspired by another great actor, just think about the acting of your girlfriend when she told you that you made her come that one time.

Speaker 8 No, she did.

Speaker 66 I believe her. I believe her that time.
I got her that time.

Speaker 86 There's not a pair of Jordans in the world that are going to get you there, buddy.

Speaker 112 Cam Patterson has done it again, everyone.

Speaker 15 That is

Speaker 41 yet another new minute from Cam Patterson.

Speaker 173 And back to the bucket we go.

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Speaker 178 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 124 We're going to meet her all together.

Speaker 81 It is Liv Taylor.

Speaker 34 Liv Taylor.

Speaker 50 What's up, Austin?

Speaker 85 I am Liv.

Speaker 176 I did just move to Austin. On the contrary, I do not have two sisters named Laugh and Love.

Speaker 176 Okay, that was stupid. Sorry.

Speaker 176 Yeah, I did just move to Austin. My husband died last year, which is, you know, pretty unfortunate.

Speaker 176 But men don't like to be told that women are better drivers. So

Speaker 176 as a woman, I've just proved my point.

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 176 I did always tell him I was a better driver. Unfortunately, it took for him to just take me a little too seriously.

Speaker 176 I've pretty much lost everything that's in my head right now because there's a giant light shining in my face.

Speaker 176 Anyways, I also have anxiety, so anytime that I masturbate, I immediately think of my dead mom.

Speaker 176 Like, I know I'm shaming God, but like, grandma,

Speaker 69 sorry.

Speaker 176 My husband, though, he was a freak. I like to say that he's now watching from his favorite point of view, which is from my asshole.

Speaker 140 Great. Love that.

Speaker 157 Okay.

Speaker 161 Liv Taylor.

Speaker 18 I'm excited about this interview.

Speaker 62 The set was fucking, you know what it was.

Speaker 176 Yeah, I know. You don't have to say that.

Speaker 13 But this interview, I'm real excited about because I love when people die near people that are on on the show.

Speaker 24 It gives us something to talk about.

Speaker 13 We've done a lot of that tonight.

Speaker 101 Like about five of our actors when somebody died

Speaker 169 of us odds of us dying have gone up by the people that we pulled out of the bucket tonight.

Speaker 91 Seems like they have a lot of death around them.

Speaker 116 D-Madness is trying to leave right now

Speaker 91 and which is very telling because they have a sixth sense, those people.

Speaker 34 Wow.

Speaker 48 And by those people, I mean the blacks, not blind people.

Speaker 192 There he goes.

Speaker 95 Did you notice when she said, I'm sorry, you said you, and by the way, I'm so sorry, but you said your grandmother died or your father?

Speaker 34 Oh, my grandmother, everybody's dying.

Speaker 10 Mom, everybody's dying.

Speaker 49 Husband, grandma,

Speaker 151 some guy in the back, when you said they died, some guy in the back just went, whoa, like he cheered.

Speaker 23 He cheered for the husband dying.

Speaker 42 Let's not, yeah. Fuck that guy.

Speaker 48 It doesn't really matter, Harlan.

Speaker 44 He was trying to be funny, but he didn't have the courage to sign up for the show because he doesn't have a full minute.

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 42 He thought that he had a moment there. That's good.

Speaker 50 He's a stupid pussy.

Speaker 95 Okay, I was looking for an answer.

Speaker 4 I got one.

Speaker 50 So, Liv, amazing that your name is Liv, even though everyone around you dies.

Speaker 130 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 40 How did your husband die?

Speaker 176 He flipped a struck. He what? He flipped his truck.

Speaker 185 He flipped his truck.

Speaker 46 Wow.

Speaker 28 It's amazing the difference between flipping a house and flipping a truck, right? One makes you money, the other ends your life.

Speaker 3 So he flipped.

Speaker 99 He didn't hit a deer, did he?

Speaker 176 No, just his head real hard.

Speaker 32 How did he flip his truck?

Speaker 156 What happened there?

Speaker 176 He was just trying to go off a ramp and was dumb.

Speaker 77 Didn't do it right.

Speaker 42 Going off a ramp.

Speaker 176 Yeah, just like an exit.

Speaker 35 Oh,

Speaker 20 okay.

Speaker 35 An exit.

Speaker 176 It was like two in the morning, you know, all factors combined.

Speaker 43 Was he drunk?

Speaker 72 A little bit.

Speaker 13 Okay, a little bit.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 20 By a little bit over the legal limit?

Speaker 69 Probably.

Speaker 23 Probably. You never asked.

Speaker 49 I mean,

Speaker 176 we parted ways that same night, so I would say.

Speaker 121 You broke up with him that night?

Speaker 176 No, he literally parted ways uh

Speaker 71 whoa

Speaker 144 we were sorry we were together that night literally went apart and then he what were you guys doing together that night we were at a strip club okay so you and him were at a strip club you and your husband yes did he lead first or did he left no we left together you left together he was parked one way i was parked the other we were driving separate cars driving separate cars were you behind him no you were in front of him no You guys went to

Speaker 130 an argument that night.

Speaker 114 Oh,

Speaker 114 wow. This is

Speaker 24 very saucy very interesting amazing for a guy that's been pounding on the sound effect board all night we got nothing for flipping trucks and death

Speaker 74 sometimes he gets a little daydreamy when we need him the most

Speaker 5 uh

Speaker 26 so

Speaker 176 you guys are arguing what was the argument about at the strip club was he like looking at a girl too much i didn't want to spend the money at the strip club but i'm a good wife and so you were trying to save money yeah okay in this economy Yeah.

Speaker 105 Okay.

Speaker 92 So let's just stick with the questions here, Liv.

Speaker 91 So you're trying to save money. You guys get into an argument because he wants to stay at the strip club.

Speaker 176 He wanted to go and I didn't want to go and I was like, fuck it, let's just go.

Speaker 18 How did you not want to leave the strip club, but also not want to spend money?

Speaker 176 Okay, when we were down, we were downtown. I'm from Georgia.
We were downtown and he wanted to go to the strip club. I didn't want to go.
We were moseying around until I just finally gave in.

Speaker 176 I was like, fine, let's fucking go. It's not even a strip strip club, it's a titty bar.
It's a sad excuse.

Speaker 171 That part doesn't matter to the story.

Speaker 23 So, when you guys, but then when you guys, when you get to the titty bar, all of a sudden you kind of want to stay there.

Speaker 80 Yeah. And he wanted to leave.
Yeah.

Speaker 89 Interesting.

Speaker 163 So, what was the last thing that you guys said to one another before he went and died?

Speaker 132 Uh,

Speaker 176 I'm gonna go to my truck, and I said, I'm gonna go party with these friends you just made.

Speaker 192 You

Speaker 192 went to go party with his friends.

Speaker 176 I thought he was gonna follow with, but you know, I was wrong.

Speaker 132 It's cool.

Speaker 164 Wow. Yeah.
Unbelievable. Do you live with a bit of guilt from that, you think?

Speaker 132 No, I did.

Speaker 169 You did? Yeah. But you're over it now.

Speaker 13 How long ago did this happen?

Speaker 176 It'll be a year on the second of the year. Wow.

Speaker 83 You got over it real quick. Okay.

Speaker 83 Very cool.

Speaker 80 I like it.

Speaker 100 Do you have a boyfriend now? Nope.

Speaker 111 You're completely single?

Speaker 176 I'm just trying to do comedy. I moved out here just for this.

Speaker 24 You moved here from Georgia just for this.

Speaker 166 How long ago did you move here?

Speaker 176 I just moved two weeks ago.

Speaker 111 Two weeks ago. Awesome.
Yeah. There you go.

Speaker 96 I think you're missing the biggest question. Go right ahead.

Speaker 49 I love it.

Speaker 29 If you don't mind, no, I want to hear it.

Speaker 99 It happens. I think everyone's wondering.

Speaker 72 Let's do it.

Speaker 151 Why did you leave your hat in Cam's bedroom?

Speaker 55 It's covered. It looks like it's covered in cum.

Speaker 51 100%.

Speaker 155 I like to have fun, you know, whatever.

Speaker 94 You like to have fun? Okay.

Speaker 103 I was just asking.

Speaker 61 Back to you, guy. Thank you.
What do you do for work, Liv?

Speaker 176 I'm a vet tech.

Speaker 34 You're a vet tech. I'm a technical vet tech.
Okay.

Speaker 84 And are you doing that here in Austin?

Speaker 176 I have not found a job, but I will have to eventually.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, I'll probably end up doing that.

Speaker 54 How much money did you save?

Speaker 176 Well, my money is dead mom money.

Speaker 111 So

Speaker 78 dead mom money, 22,000.

Speaker 176 Not even close. My mom did not expect to die.

Speaker 176 Probably like just under 10 grand.

Speaker 132 Oh, okay. So you have a little time.

Speaker 159 How much is your rent?

Speaker 155 A good bit. A ballpark.

Speaker 176 It's like $1,800.

Speaker 29 $1,800.

Speaker 171 Do you live by yourself?

Speaker 111 I do.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 159 So you have about six or seven months to get a job.

Speaker 13 Stretch.

Speaker 155 I'm frugal.

Speaker 98 I know a gambler she'd do real well with.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 63 What do you do for fun, Liv?

Speaker 133 What are some hobbies?

Speaker 176 I have dogs at home. I have two beagles, so I hang out with them.

Speaker 176 I'm really very homebody.

Speaker 176 Since I moved out here, I've just really been trying to explore and be by the pool and chill and relax and just try to honestly find a new life.

Speaker 72 Right.

Speaker 90 And you're having fun doing stand-up comedy at night?

Speaker 63 You enjoy it.

Speaker 176 The only reason I do it is because my mom died.

Speaker 26 When did your mom die exactly?

Speaker 176 So funny story.

Speaker 34 Oh, finally.

Speaker 176 Oh, you'll love this. My mom died the day after I saw your stand-up and met you with my husband on August 26th of last year.

Speaker 35 It's all coming back to you.

Speaker 176 2023.

Speaker 176 I'm not even joking. Like, I got a phone call the next morning that my mom died.

Speaker 71 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 24 So you saw me in that big theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

Speaker 154 The Cobb Energy Center.

Speaker 44 And yes, the Cobb Energy Center.

Speaker 36 It is all coming back to me now.

Speaker 36 And

Speaker 121 how did your mom die?

Speaker 89 She flipped her truck.

Speaker 176 She got hit by a car.

Speaker 94 Really? What?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 176 I mean, I always wanted a Jeep, and that just ruined it.

Speaker 161 So was she walking or in a car?

Speaker 176 No, she was a pedestrian.

Speaker 7 She was a pedestrian.

Speaker 98 It wasn't a hit and run, was it?

Speaker 176 No,

Speaker 176 the guy stopped.

Speaker 122 He did it the right way, but you know.

Speaker 120 He what? He did it the right way.

Speaker 49 I mean, he did it the right way.

Speaker 61 All the way through. I mean,

Speaker 176 he didn't have to suffer.

Speaker 23 And you were very close with your mom.

Speaker 176 Yeah, close-ish. My mom was kind of crazy.

Speaker 96 Well, until she got hit.

Speaker 14 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 176 Yeah.

Speaker 176 I'd say.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 44 And have you always been a natural neon pink?

Speaker 7 I was just wondering if you're not.

Speaker 34 I'd like to say natural red.

Speaker 96 Diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival. Just like

Speaker 101 nine kids start chewing your hair.

Speaker 176 It's pretty tasty. It actually smells really good.
It does.

Speaker 100 What's it smell like?

Speaker 122 Hydropearl oil.

Speaker 49 Can I smell it? Sure, if you'd like to. I'd love to have a smell.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 166 It's chloroform.

Speaker 35 Oh, wow.

Speaker 100 Smells like Cam's bedroom.

Speaker 118 Yeah, it does.

Speaker 111 Yeah, it does.

Speaker 50 All right, Liv. Well, congratulations.

Speaker 74 Now you know what it feels like at least.

Speaker 24 There are extremely bright lights, and everything out there is dark, and now you know for next time.

Speaker 111 So sign up again again and write it right a write an actual minute remember it oh good catch i threw that one a little high and hard and she got it

Speaker 26 all right tough stuff there i like it i like you like the death stuff i like a good heavy interview that's what this show's all about sometimes it's hee hee ha ha sometimes it's boo boo baba yeah that's what i always say

Speaker 85 all right today this is a special moment right now last week we pulled out of the bucket a man who signed up for, I think, every Monday for over a year,

Speaker 23 and he had a good minute, but his interview skills were unbelievable.

Speaker 74 I swear to God, I think I'm bringing up for the second time ever who might be one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

Speaker 80 I'm excited to see his second ever minute on the show.

Speaker 92 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the short-awaited return of Alex Tarshoon, everybody.

Speaker 83 Here we go.

Speaker 105 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 177 I've been going to the gym a lot lately.

Speaker 177 I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life.

Speaker 177 So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough.

Speaker 177 I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small.
That was when my dad was getting the best of me.

Speaker 177 He said these beatings were preparing me for life.

Speaker 177 You know, for all the other 40-year-olds who are going to hit me with a belt and a shoe.

Speaker 177 You know, the thing is, though, he actually didn't own a belt. So we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there.

Speaker 177 You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill.

Speaker 73 thank you wow wow the return of Alex Tarshun

Speaker 32 unbelievable I've been looking forward to this for a whole week thank you me too these people have no fucking idea the relationship that we built last week

Speaker 35 Full disclosure, I'm black.

Speaker 25 He's black.

Speaker 40 Just in case he says,

Speaker 90 in case he says the n-word at some point, he's black.

Speaker 29 Full disclosure, I'm also black.

Speaker 123 So

Speaker 35 look out.

Speaker 120 Here we go.

Speaker 95 Full disclosure, I'm white.

Speaker 37 So, Alex, I love this suit.

Speaker 37 Last week, your clothing was extremely questionable.

Speaker 78 This week, you come in guns ablaze.

Speaker 51 And you just get this?

Speaker 177 Yeah, Amazon came through.

Speaker 5 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 91 Amazon Prime?

Speaker 177 Yeah.

Speaker 114 Wow.

Speaker 172 Look at that. How much was that?

Speaker 177 $75 for the suit.

Speaker 61 Yeah. You know?

Speaker 13 It's a new death in an elevator line.

Speaker 50 What does that mean?

Speaker 100 It's a Prince joke.

Speaker 14 Oh, okay.

Speaker 90 All right. Speaking of.

Speaker 120 Oh, damn.

Speaker 99 How are you, buddy?

Speaker 94 I'd love to throw a hamburger patty on your glasses.

Speaker 17 Alex Tarshun.

Speaker 98 Thank God he walked out that horrible Prince joke idea.

Speaker 107 Yeah, that was crazy. That was

Speaker 36 a 39-year-old reference, I do believe.

Speaker 50 But it was good. It was good.
It was good.

Speaker 19 Death by an elevator.

Speaker 50 I learned something new every time I have Harlan on the show.

Speaker 94 Oh, Prince died in an elevator, right?

Speaker 129 Uh-uh.

Speaker 129 He had an elevator in his mansion.

Speaker 97 They found him dead in his elevator.

Speaker 49 Really?

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, that was Whitney Houston, dude.

Speaker 74 He's thinking of the guy till he's in the middle of the

Speaker 99 elevator.

Speaker 20 Just ask him. He knows.
It's okay.

Speaker 34 Right, you know.

Speaker 177 I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Where did you learn that at?

Speaker 177 I was just scrolling on Instagram. It just popped up.

Speaker 5 Yep.

Speaker 53 That's where you get all the great history teachings.

Speaker 33 There's no doubt about it.

Speaker 54 Not many people know that at all.

Speaker 74 In fact, nobody knows that because it definitely did not happen.

Speaker 110 But Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.

Speaker 133 This is history with Alex Tarshun.

Speaker 50 I'm very excited.

Speaker 24 So you got a brand new $75 suit off of Amazon and you're still rocking the do-rag.

Speaker 91 That's always going to be part of you, isn't it?

Speaker 177 Yeah, one do-rag, no socks. That's the game.

Speaker 26 Do-rag, don't socks.

Speaker 25 That's what they say.

Speaker 33 And Alex, you work at a pizza place.

Speaker 177 Yeah, I do delivery driving. And I also,

Speaker 177 because I actually played a trumpet while I drive because you only need one hand for it.

Speaker 36 You play a trumpet while you drive?

Speaker 177 Yeah, I played a trumpet while I drive and I use a little flap, like the sun visor to put like the music on it so I can like kind of read it.

Speaker 172 You have a trumpet. Do you have a trumpet with you?

Speaker 12 Of course.

Speaker 62 With you right now? Yeah, I brought it.

Speaker 105 You brought it? Yeah.

Speaker 48 Get this fucking trumpet.

Speaker 35 Here we go.

Speaker 22 You gotta be kidding me.

Speaker 35 This guy, by the way, set a record last week for the longest interview ever in the history of the show, because we found him so goddamn interesting.

Speaker 25 at no point during the 24 minute long interview did he even mention playing the trumpet that's how fucking interesting this guy is trumpet from a garbage bag does it

Speaker 177 I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player well I guarantee you he's gonna win he's a professional

Speaker 163 but let's sure let's do it let's have a the first ever

Speaker 75 Mexican

Speaker 16 Mexican trumpet off

Speaker 35 Trumpet.

Speaker 39 And here we go, your first ever trumpeter on this show's history.

Speaker 144 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshun.

Speaker 190 Perfect.

Speaker 190 Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 131 All right, now the professional trumpet player is going to play some.

Speaker 7 Oh, shit.

Speaker 173 Oh, he got that one note that you missed.

Speaker 70 Oh, shit.

Speaker 173 There you go.

Speaker 25 Redband's jumping in with his trumpet sound effect. This is just a free-for-all at this point.

Speaker 116 Harlan's about to play a second crutch.

Speaker 116 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 153 Harlan coming through

Speaker 35 with a victory.

Speaker 177 Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to.
And he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy.

Speaker 177 So I was like, all right, that trumpet's actually really expensive, too.

Speaker 54 How do you know that?

Speaker 177 Well, I looked it up. Like, I eventually looked it up, and it's like, he said he was like giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand, which we know what that means.

Speaker 192 It means that he's about to go.

Speaker 125 Yeah, yeah. Do what?

Speaker 143 Well,

Speaker 177 there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes.

Speaker 88 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 34 Go ahead.

Speaker 35 It's okay.

Speaker 13 Don't let anybody here throw you off with their scoffs and questions.

Speaker 61 What do we all do sometimes, Alex?

Speaker 177 Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost just if you want to travel around the world and have your dreams come true.

Speaker 93 What kind of dreams would you like to come true?

Speaker 23 What do you want to do in Thailand, Alex?

Speaker 95 How about we start with some speech therapy classes?

Speaker 23 Oh, I think we know what that means, right?

Speaker 83 Uh-uh-uh.

Speaker 24 Yeah, when it comes to Thailand,

Speaker 50 you know what's over there.

Speaker 71 No.

Speaker 94 You don't, you have no idea what they do in Thailand?

Speaker 60 No. Lady buh-buh-buh.

Speaker 95 Oh, ladyboys?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 129 You want to be with a lady boy?

Speaker 177 You want to get that ladyboy gold.

Speaker 140 Whoa, dude.

Speaker 20 What's lady boy gold?

Speaker 177 It's just below platinum.

Speaker 174 Wow.

Speaker 153 An interview genius.

Speaker 42 Eventually, this show might just end up being Alex Tarshoon being out here for an hour and a half every week.

Speaker 23 You guys will see when you did it.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 89 So, Alex, very interesting stuff.

Speaker 166 What else is going on in life?

Speaker 71 Well,

Speaker 177 I

Speaker 177 kind of texted my ex-girlfriend. I was like, I got in Keltoni's.
I thought it would be kind of weird if she just saw me randomly.

Speaker 93 You texted your ex-girlfriend?

Speaker 177 Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess is like an emergency or something.

Speaker 161 Uh-huh.

Speaker 163 And remind everybody why that's a big deal, your ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 141 Oh,

Speaker 46 well,

Speaker 177 you know,

Speaker 107 I used to have a heart.

Speaker 177 You know,

Speaker 62 I used to be in love.

Speaker 178 And then what happened?

Speaker 177 And then, um, and then I got fired from my job.

Speaker 54 And then what happened?

Speaker 177 Oh, and then, uh, and then it was just a series of just

Speaker 177 like

Speaker 177 since since the last time I saw her, I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. I went to jail a couple times, just for a weekend.

Speaker 32 Just for a weekend.

Speaker 74 You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail?

Speaker 177 I got a gun pulled on me in Portland. And then immediately the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me.

Speaker 177 And I was like, all right, well, this is what I'm doing.

Speaker 13 He was pointing a gun at you?

Speaker 79 Do the joke that you did while a guy was pointing a gun at you.

Speaker 177 Okay, well, what I said was...

Speaker 79 First of all, did you say like, hey, don't shoot me.

Speaker 52 Let me do a joke? Pretty much.

Speaker 51 What did you say exactly?

Speaker 177 Well, what I said was,

Speaker 177 hey, you want to hear a joke?

Speaker 19 He pulled a gun on you, and that's the first thing that you said?

Speaker 16 Yep.

Speaker 114 Wow.

Speaker 192 And then what did he say?

Speaker 4 He said, all right.

Speaker 136 And he's holding it like this or sideways.

Speaker 177 He was sitting in the car, so he was just pointing up at me.

Speaker 13 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 93 So you say, want to hear a joke?

Speaker 165 He said yes, and then you go.

Speaker 177 I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw the Prophet Muhammad.

Speaker 177 It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though.

Speaker 12 By the way, he's fraternal. He's fraternal.

Speaker 177 You know?

Speaker 101 I would have shot him immediately.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 130 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Did the guy laugh?

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 122 Wow.

Speaker 169 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 92 My God.

Speaker 30 And then what happened?

Speaker 177 Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around and I was like, you never believe this. Just had a gun pulled on me.
She's like, what did you do? I said, I told him a joke. A Prophet Muhammad joke.

Speaker 177 And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right?

Speaker 177 And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh, and she's like, I'm actually in the circuit.
Like, I know what comedy is.

Speaker 107 And I was like, all right.

Speaker 48 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 132 Someone in, yeah a lady in Portland yeah has it all figured out that sounds about right yeah I know Portland well enough to know that those are the types of people that think they have it all figured out I'm in the circuit

Speaker 177 perfect I finally got closure though

Speaker 177 because I told her I got and killed Tony and she was like good for you but you know he's a he's a bad man right yeah and I was like oof yeah those Portland people yeah I was like he's stupid I'm the bad man meanwhile she lives in a neighborhood where people in cars are rolling up, pulling guns on innocent people.

Speaker 34 But I'm the bad guy.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 23 Because I said

Speaker 29 something.

Speaker 118 Some words.

Speaker 23 I said words.

Speaker 54 So Alex Tarshun, what else is going on in life?

Speaker 177 Well, Monday was good for me, last Monday.

Speaker 177 Tuesday was kind of rough.

Speaker 116 Tell us what happened on Tuesday.

Speaker 177 I got a phone call from my apartment, and they were just like, so we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving.

Speaker 107 And I I was like, all right, well, you know, you know, so it's been a long week.

Speaker 177 I got a couple of new apartments lined up. We're, you know, new strategy for a new apartment.
Just going to lie.

Speaker 35 Right.

Speaker 177 Tell them I have two dogs.

Speaker 32 And you're going to sneak in eight dogs.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 93 A fun fact about Alex is he has eight pit bulls.

Speaker 63 How did they find out?

Speaker 24 What are the odds that the apartment building found out the night or the next day after you talked about it in front of the world?

Speaker 177 Well, it's because I got home so late that it was just like screeches and squeals squeals for like a couple hours, you know, like

Speaker 112 they heard the eight pit bulls playing around fighting.

Speaker 49 No, his

Speaker 60 room's next to Cam's.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 118 That makes sense.

Speaker 93 So what are you realistically going to do for an apartment, Alex Tarsh Jr.

Speaker 24 out there delivering pizzas for a living?

Speaker 177 Well, first off, my...

Speaker 177 My chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting.

Speaker 15 Why?

Speaker 94 It can't plummet if you are never even up, all right?

Speaker 177 I was working on my teaching certificate, like thinking, like, I'm going to get summer off to hang out with my dogs. And then I was just like,

Speaker 177 there's something about saying nigga on stage. It's just not going to, it's not going to work for me, you know?

Speaker 161 I think you can say it.

Speaker 40 I should.

Speaker 161 You should. You should be able to say it.

Speaker 82 Are both your parents black?

Speaker 182 Because you're sort of like a little fair-skinned.

Speaker 177 No,

Speaker 177 I'm like black and like Moulin Yon.

Speaker 98 All right, then you can't say it.

Speaker 13 Well, those are both, those both mean black.

Speaker 97 Yeah, John, uh, John Keys gave him permission, so that's cool.

Speaker 34 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 122 okay, go ahead.

Speaker 159 How do you know you're not going to be able to get your teacher's certificate?

Speaker 177 Well, I think, uh, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that like I pranked phone calls the suicide hotline by accident. Really?

Speaker 177 Yeah, like, if you Google me already, like, there's like it's already like it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.

Speaker 71 Wow.

Speaker 96 How do you prank the suicide hotline?

Speaker 35 Yeah, what exactly?

Speaker 15 Don't jump.

Speaker 106 Don't jump.

Speaker 177 Well, like, basically, like,

Speaker 177 I had like shoulder surgery, making excuses for myself. I was kind of on pills and stuff.
Like, I had like a big old slinky and everything.

Speaker 177 And I was just like, thought it'd be funny. Like, I was watching crank yankers.
And I was like, oh, crank yankers. I should make prank phone calls.
That'd be funny. That'd be good content.
Yeah.

Speaker 177 And what I did was I just called up the suicide hotline and just was just like, you know, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

Speaker 177 And then I put like the two house phones together to make that like robot squeal. And then like my brother came in.
he's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing?

Speaker 177 You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened? And he goes to the phone. He's like, why did you do this to Peter? And then

Speaker 177 like an hour later, I'm like making eggs. Like, wow, that was pretty funny.

Speaker 100 Dude, I'm about to kill myself right now.

Speaker 20 Let's move this along.

Speaker 31 Yeah, it doesn't really pop up.

Speaker 146 How do you spell your last name again? It's T.

Speaker 177 Uh-huh. A-R-U-H.
C-H-O-U-N.

Speaker 139 C-H-O-U-N.

Speaker 14 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 100 That's sort of French, dude.

Speaker 125 Is there some French in Tunisia?

Speaker 177 Yeah, it used to be a French colony. You used to to be my dad's country yeah what was your dad's country again uh Tunisia oh wow

Speaker 154 Tunisia

Speaker 18 you know what Tunisia

Speaker 14 oh wow holy shit damn oh shit yeah that's definitely you

Speaker 177 that is incredible how do we find it is it a video no it's uh i had to delete the audio too but uh the uh it's like a they wouldn't take down the uh article because the company went out of business so it's just kind of stuck there Alex Tarshun,

Speaker 25 ChatGPT says, Alex Tarshun was involved in an incident where he made a prank call to a suicide prevention hotline, which led to his arrest and charges of second-degree false incident report and disorderly conduct.

Speaker 146 Is that true?

Speaker 149 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 This fucking guy's incredible.

Speaker 149 Thank you.

Speaker 116 This is the only show where people get an applause break for being arrested for pranking a suicide hotline.

Speaker 34 Bravo!

Speaker 40 True art.

Speaker 177 had a i had an arrest one time or i had a 60-year charge that was uh like a class x felony in the illinois wow what did you do there so basically my friend was like i'm gonna go mule my friend was like i'm gonna go mule like a bunch of weed across the country and i was like i like i'm not doing anything like i'll go hang out like i'll go for the i'll go for the ride i just wanted to go along for the ride yeah yeah wow okay yeah and then uh like the thing is like we had a driver who was you know like kind of on the spectrum a little bit like not in a bad way but like for this it was terrible because like i was in the front seat just like taking a nap and uh like the cop was knocking on my window i'm like how does how does the cop waken me up like you know what i mean like that's you know but um like right before bed like i was like braiding my hair like right before i went to sleep

Speaker 177 in the car yeah i was braiding my hair just thinking like well if i get arrested like i want to have a good mug shot

Speaker 177 And then like I actually did wake up to a cop on the window and I was like, oh shit.

Speaker 83 And was your hair completely braided at that point?

Speaker 61 Wow.

Speaker 163 Did you get the magical mug shot that you had hoped for?

Speaker 47 I really did. I really did.
Let's go back to Alex.

Speaker 177 If you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.

Speaker 177 It is? Yeah, episode two through four.

Speaker 101 You have a cartoon, too.

Speaker 63 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 53 Yeah, he has a wildly successful cartoon.

Speaker 50 Tell Harlan the name of your cartoon.

Speaker 177 What is it? So basically, it's the black version of Ed Ed and Eddie.

Speaker 50 And what's it called? What is it?

Speaker 177 It's called Nig, Nigga nigga.

Speaker 35 There you go.

Speaker 21 There you go.

Speaker 17 Just in case you were wondering.

Speaker 31 Self-described half black, half

Speaker 51 moulign.

Speaker 51 That's right.

Speaker 51 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 83 This guy, a friend of yours?

Speaker 36 You can ask him anything, and you get an unbelievable answer.

Speaker 32 Every goddamn time.

Speaker 160 All the stuff that we found out this interview, we didn't talk about about last week.

Speaker 90 It's been 17 minutes he's been up here.

Speaker 93 Time flies with Alex Tarshun.

Speaker 103 So, this cartoon, is it for kids?

Speaker 177 Not really.

Speaker 35 Who's it for?

Speaker 177 It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff, not too sensitive and shit, you know.

Speaker 95 You know, if you say Beetlejuice three times, it disappears.

Speaker 156 So, what was the name of your show?

Speaker 177 Everybody at the same time.

Speaker 16 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 177 It's just nicknigger nigga.

Speaker 177 What was it? Nick nigga nigga.

Speaker 110 A lot of bleeps this episode coming in.

Speaker 24 Does anything happen if you say that three times?

Speaker 177 You know what?

Speaker 177 Like,

Speaker 177 nah.

Speaker 94 There you go.

Speaker 42 Yeah, Red Band keeps trying to Google your cartoon.

Speaker 144 Delete my search history.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 25 He He typed in the name of your cartoon and Bel Bib de Beau popped up for some reason.

Speaker 114 So,

Speaker 25 Alex, last week, at the last second of many of many minutes of interview, we found out that your shoes were falling apart.

Speaker 7 Show the audience.

Speaker 177 Good peek at this. We got the old alligator.

Speaker 50 Lift it up.

Speaker 149 Lift it up and pull it down so that people can see.

Speaker 16 You see that?

Speaker 25 And this guy's out there delivering pizzas, hustling, getting kicked out of his apartment, taking care of eight dogs.

Speaker 161 So we have a gift for you.

Speaker 25 The lovely Heidi's bringing it out.

Speaker 13 Let's go. It is

Speaker 27 your size.

Speaker 20 It's a brand new pair of

Speaker 17 Nikes.

Speaker 87 Bust those things out and pop them on there, Alex.

Speaker 20 Just

Speaker 20 pull them out.

Speaker 100 What happens if he says it three times?

Speaker 121 There you go, Alex.

Speaker 172 A pair of my favorite shoes. Yeah, put them on.

Speaker 16 Put them on, Alex.

Speaker 15 Put them on, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 156 Take off those dirty fucking shoes.

Speaker 25 You should start wearing socks, Alex.

Speaker 177 I asked ChatGPT if I should wear socks and it said yes.

Speaker 34 Yes.

Speaker 112 Yeah, you could ask fucking anybody.

Speaker 23 They would have told you yes.

Speaker 18 You didn't have to go to ChatGPT.

Speaker 25 You didn't have to use that kind of technology.

Speaker 40 Red Band's really ramping up to say something here, everybody.

Speaker 97 Why do you wear that hat every week?

Speaker 187 Yeah, William Montgomery wore it last week, and he said his whole head smelled like pizza for the rest of the night.

Speaker 107 There you go.

Speaker 29 Was it worth it?

Speaker 40 We already talked about the thing.

Speaker 90 It's good.

Speaker 50 How do the shoes feel?

Speaker 177 They feel great. It feels a good color.

Speaker 20 They really match your do-rag, bro.

Speaker 99 That's like a good look.

Speaker 177 My hair gets really frizzy because like the hot heat around here. Yeah.
So I try to keep the

Speaker 59 kind of moisture in.

Speaker 95 But how do you feel about the way it matches?

Speaker 96 You must feel like a million bucks right now.

Speaker 107 I feel like a Hot Wheels car.

Speaker 4 Feel like a Hot Wheels car.

Speaker 23 You have the vibe of a Hot Wheels car.

Speaker 63 It's very, very death in an elevator, if you will.

Speaker 34 No.

Speaker 7 That joke doesn't work. I already tried it.

Speaker 19 So we're going to throw those old shoes out.

Speaker 177 Can we throw them over to the telephone line?

Speaker 35 Yeah, if you want to, yeah. Yeah,

Speaker 75 you could do that if you want, Alex.

Speaker 40 Congratulations.

Speaker 18 You have new shoes.

Speaker 29 Another set and interview down the hatch.

Speaker 90 Thank you, Alex. Tarshan.

Speaker 21 There he goes, everybody.

Speaker 17 There he goes. He bought a new suit just for this.

Speaker 22 $75 on Amazon Prime.

Speaker 135 You bought him those shoes, Tony?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 95 That was really nice of you, man.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Those are nice shoes.

Speaker 95 Hey, would it be inappropriate? Because I'm just...

Speaker 20 How much they cost?

Speaker 95 Can I ask? Or is that inappropriate?

Speaker 14 How much does a rack of them cost?

Speaker 44 Yeah, I think they were, I think they were like $120.

Speaker 36 Nice guy.

Speaker 39 They're my favorite shoes, so I got him a pair of my own favorite shoes.

Speaker 135 Give Tony a hand.

Speaker 95 That's nice right there, there.

Speaker 15 I bought him once

Speaker 28 in New York City from the Nike store.

Speaker 4 That's nice.

Speaker 84 And I was surprised at how great they are.

Speaker 44 They're my favorite shoes.

Speaker 34 All right.

Speaker 25 Make some noise for your next bucket full.

Speaker 31 It's Nicholas Hartley, everybody.

Speaker 85 Here we go.

Speaker 140 Hey

Speaker 194 My grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I think his favorite sport is family feud.

Speaker 194 Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family.

Speaker 194 And my grandpa, diehard whites fan. I'll tell you that.

Speaker 194 He fucking loves those guys.

Speaker 194 I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over.

Speaker 194 Because he's just sitting there like the ref is on their team.

Speaker 194 It isn't fucking fair, you know? know? Like he thinks Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know?

Speaker 194 Like I'm watching a nice family-friendly show, and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say.

Speaker 66 You hear the black family go, good answer, good answer.

Speaker 194 I never want to excuse my grandpa. for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s.
If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved.

Speaker 97 Thank you,

Speaker 51 absolutely, Nicholas Hartley.

Speaker 89 Some family feud material.

Speaker 23 We love the feud around here, yes, sir.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 34 I okay, you don't like the family feud?

Speaker 122 I hate that thing.

Speaker 13 Why? Because of him.

Speaker 96 No, I don't. I'm ambivalent.
I love that. That's a big word, guy.

Speaker 3 I know. Relax.

Speaker 146 That's not a guy.

Speaker 35 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 34 Sorry, it.

Speaker 171 Nicholas, is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 50 Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 34 How old are you?

Speaker 133 I'm 26. 26.

Speaker 18 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 194 Two and a half years.

Speaker 34 Two and a half.

Speaker 11 What do you do for work?

Speaker 194 I work at a Mexican restaurant.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 18 What do you do at a Mexican restaurant?

Speaker 194 The bartender? A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like, English?

Speaker 107 And they're like, no, that's a lot of it.

Speaker 194 But most of it's just me serving and you know getting food back and forth trying not to get fired wow a white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant it is going up there like can I get you some chili killies would that be all right and they go no okay how long have you been serving at this Mexican restaurant four months four months what were you doing before that before that I was playing professional rugby rugby professionally yeah you were getting paid to play rugby 19 bucks an hour

Speaker 194 19 bucks an hour how many hours a week would you do that Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice, but then we were really doing like 10-hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other shit.

Speaker 100 Wow. That's a brutal game.

Speaker 102 What's your worst injury, my guy?

Speaker 194 I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game, and I was walking off field, and another fella came around the weak side and popped it back in. And I couldn't move my arm for like a week.

Speaker 194 It was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard.

Speaker 13 Oh, okay.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I still did it.

Speaker 31 You're left-handed? Yeah.

Speaker 13 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 113 Great story, and then he wrecks it at the end.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 92 Tough business.

Speaker 156 Yes, sir.

Speaker 76 Rugby is a tough business.

Speaker 102 You've seen a little, like, no offense, but you don't have the biggest build I've ever seen for a rugby player.

Speaker 194 Yeah, I'm fast.

Speaker 104 I'm really fast.

Speaker 194 And that's a good idea.

Speaker 34 Are you a cheerleader by any chance?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 194 I did in high school. That was kind of neat.

Speaker 137 You were a cheerleader in high school.

Speaker 55 It's amazing because I picked up on those energies as well.

Speaker 19 I could feel male cheerleader energies.

Speaker 103 Did you give us one of your best cheers?

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 194 I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that.
I was just like that. And then I just...

Speaker 20 Can you give us one of your most perverted looks?

Speaker 177 I can do a toe touch.

Speaker 138 Okay, yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen, the first toe touch of the evening.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 14 David Lee Roth in the house, huh, guy?

Speaker 4 Yes, sir.

Speaker 94 Go ahead and jump, huh, player? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 34 Wow, dude.

Speaker 23 Yeah, absolutely. Very impressive.

Speaker 20 Can you do that again, bro, in slow motion? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 194 My dad's going to hate everything about what just happened. I'll tell you that.

Speaker 74 Your dad doesn't like the fact that you were a male cheerleader.

Speaker 194 He doesn't like gays. I'll say that.

Speaker 23 Well, he probably wasn't going to like the show anyway because I am the host.

Speaker 114 So

Speaker 50 let's talk about it.

Speaker 13 about it.

Speaker 171 This is all very interesting.

Speaker 159 Was the stuff with your grandpa real?

Speaker 194 Yeah, so he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said, but he definitely says things he should not.
I'll say that.

Speaker 194 And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.

Speaker 14 Really?

Speaker 90 Yes. He thinks that the host is cheating.

Speaker 194 Yeah, because the black family actually wins a lot, and

Speaker 194 that blows his mind every time.

Speaker 194 Like, he'll sit there and

Speaker 194 he'll be like, that's on the board. on earth.
That's bullshit.

Speaker 194 That's bullshit and a half and then he'll be like the black person will answer like a why would anybody think that and then it's ding he goes this is bullshit. He gets

Speaker 83 I love it.

Speaker 51 Oh, yeah, it is incredible. Do you ever video record him watching it?

Speaker 194 Not at all. You should I would love to do that.

Speaker 37 Yeah, that would that's a great idea.

Speaker 92 Turn this bit into a fucking reality show.

Speaker 23 People would love to watch a racist old guy fucking watch the feud.

Speaker 194 I mean, I always say that like kind of watching watching it, if I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, you know, but I love my grandpa.

Speaker 194 So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting, you know?

Speaker 194 I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but god damn, does it hit the spot every single time?

Speaker 194 Every time.

Speaker 103 Does he ever watch basketball and yell the same shit at the white people?

Speaker 194 Yeah, no, he refuses to watch basketball.

Speaker 194 He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe.

Speaker 34 Wow.

Speaker 156 And his son plays Australian rugby?

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 194 I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy, you know.
He wants me to be an engineer, but that's. I got a little sad.

Speaker 132 Oh, no.

Speaker 159 You're doing just fine.

Speaker 111 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 159 What's the most racist thing you've ever heard your grandpa say?

Speaker 194 I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the n-word.

Speaker 194 I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there, and I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who are, you know, who don't like the things he likes.

Speaker 194 If he found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex-veteran, they'd get along. And this guy was all of that.

Speaker 194 And I got in the car with him. I was like, what do you think of that guy, grandpa? Do you like that guy? Because they were having fun.
And he goes, that guy?

Speaker 194 He's fine around those good white folks, but when you put him around his own kind, the jungle just comes out in him.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 35 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 15 Yes, sir. Go ahead and join us.

Speaker 5 Just that one.

Speaker 70 Panampam.

Speaker 61 All right, all right.

Speaker 122 Yep. Wow.

Speaker 194 That is. I'll pull my hamstring on that one.
That one works.

Speaker 64 Yes, sir.

Speaker 51 Absolutely perfect.

Speaker 27 What did you say, D Madness?

Speaker 132 And I'm glad he did.

Speaker 119 Oh, shit. No, you can't be mad at him.

Speaker 20 He's not racist, D.

Speaker 17 He's talking about his grandpa, D.

Speaker 23 You just like the fact that he would hurt himself because he has a racist grandpa?

Speaker 107 Not really. Okay, perfect.

Speaker 44 Well, we didn't really get much of anywhere with that talk.

Speaker 92 Nicholas Hartley, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 80 What are some hobbies of yours now that you're out of the rugby game and you're working at a Mexican restaurant when you're not doing stand-up?

Speaker 51 What else do you like to do?

Speaker 194 I mean, I play a lot of Suducos.

Speaker 7 I play chess.

Speaker 194 And

Speaker 194 I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 185 Yeah. Very interesting.

Speaker 79 Do you have a love life?

Speaker 169 Is there a particular lover out there?

Speaker 61 I do.

Speaker 194 I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 194 Big fan of her being a gal.

Speaker 13 Yep.

Speaker 194 Yeah, she's a good lady. She's Catholic, and that causes some friction between us.

Speaker 137 Why would it cause friction?

Speaker 194 Well, I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that.

Speaker 49 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 147 Whites fighting.

Speaker 107 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 194 Dee Madness is happy right now.

Speaker 112 Yeah, he's smiling ear to ear over here.

Speaker 4 For sure.

Speaker 95 What's your girlfriend do, Brosefioz?

Speaker 194 Well, she's getting her master's in college right now. And

Speaker 194 Prosefiov.

Speaker 163 What is she getting her master's in?

Speaker 194 She wants to be a dietitian.

Speaker 14 Ooh, is she a bigger girl?

Speaker 194 No, but she does do CrossFit. And

Speaker 194 she's probably stronger than me right now, and that makes me upset.

Speaker 170 Uh-huh.

Speaker 132 Uh-huh.

Speaker 164 Why, have you ever asked her why she wants to be a dietitian?

Speaker 44 Why she wants to work with

Speaker 194 yeah,

Speaker 194 she says she wants to help people and

Speaker 194 like there's so many other ways you could do that, you know?

Speaker 194 But she just likes food and she likes to help people. She might be fat, I don't know, fuck.

Speaker 194 But no, she's a nice lady, and I care.

Speaker 84 How long have you been with her?

Speaker 177 Year.

Speaker 170 Okay.

Speaker 132 All right.

Speaker 79 Trying to figure this out, Nicholas Hartley.

Speaker 44 I find, I feel like I'm a question away from figuring out something.

Speaker 164 What scares you?

Speaker 122 Oh, shoot.

Speaker 140 Black people.

Speaker 15 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 95 We do all that work.

Speaker 194 Man, what scares me?

Speaker 15 Shit.

Speaker 194 I, you know, I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places.
You know, that's just a real fear. But I am also

Speaker 194 afraid of like heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.

Speaker 173 You're afraid of heights?

Speaker 92 Yeah, I'm afraid of heights.

Speaker 171 When's the last time you were somewhere high?

Speaker 194 We went to Colorado one time.

Speaker 49 And you were scared the whole time.

Speaker 194 Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge and you're leaning down, you feel like you're going to fall. I don't like that at all.

Speaker 194 All right, Nicholas. Not the best answer, I know.

Speaker 163 Have you ever been arrested?

Speaker 194 Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.

Speaker 163 What do you think you should have been arrested for?

Speaker 194 Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window.

Speaker 194 And sometimes we put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that. Wow.
Set them out like fishing lures, you know.

Speaker 104 Damn, interesting.

Speaker 43 I think I know about a guy on an exit ramp that saw one of those and

Speaker 133 tried to stop real quick. For sure.

Speaker 35 Flipped his truck.

Speaker 34 All right.

Speaker 163 Anything else crazy we should know about you, Nicholas?

Speaker 146 Any other fun facts about your life?

Speaker 50 Grandpa was racist.

Speaker 166 What about grandma? Did you ever hang out with grandma?

Speaker 129 So here's the thing with grandma.

Speaker 194 Okay. Grandma pretends to not be racist.

Speaker 34 Oh, let's go.

Speaker 194 So

Speaker 110 let's fucking go.

Speaker 194 We'll be watching Family Feud and Grandpa's going off and she's like, now Dale. Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know?

Speaker 194 And then she'll lean over to me because I'm one of her older grandchildren and go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know.

Speaker 140 Oh, wow.

Speaker 113 My God.

Speaker 194 And I'm like, grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 48 She puts on a front like she's not racist, but then she whispers to her little favorites.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 194 And that's the crazy thing is, too, I think they think I'm racist, too, because I'm not going to tell an 80-year-old man, you're wrong for that, you know? Right. So I just go, yeah.

Speaker 194 Actually, that's true

Speaker 194 because I went, I was hanging around with my grandpa's friends one time, and he just coyly said, he's like, this is my grandson, Nick.

Speaker 194 He's like us, you know.

Speaker 194 And I was like, I like bluegrass. I do like bluegrass, grandpa.

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 194 Big fan of bluegrass. He's, dude, my dad's going to be so pissed about this.
My dad is going to be so pissed. It's perfect.

Speaker 13 That means you're doing something right. Thank you.

Speaker 95 You ever sit around with the family and watch Wheel of Fortune with the hoods on?

Speaker 194 Yeah, no, we never.

Speaker 194 We never done it with the hoods on.

Speaker 34 You will. You will.

Speaker 94 Yes, sir.

Speaker 27 Well, Nicholas, congratulations.

Speaker 41 You got on the show. You did it.

Speaker 53 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 21 Caught a little low toss there.

Speaker 86 Let's have some more fun.

Speaker 73 Your next bucket pull is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 81 So it's probably going to take her a while to get up here. Make some noise.

Speaker 86 It is one of you representing this audience.

Speaker 178 Make some noise for Cassandra Hartford, everybody.

Speaker 125 Cassandra Hartford.

Speaker 81 There she is, right in the middle.

Speaker 88 Normally,

Speaker 81 a fun fact, the audience sign-ups normally don't do as well as the comedians. That's why a lot of people are leaving right now.

Speaker 81 These people have to go open up their food truck.

Speaker 81 They have a food truck that they run together. By the way, shout out to RB's Steakhouse making cheese steaks for us tonight.

Speaker 16 Here is Cassandra Hartford.

Speaker 159 Everybody, make some noise for Cassandra.

Speaker 193 My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took an ancestry.com test, and we are 12% of the same DNA.

Speaker 193 Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard.

Speaker 34 Gosh.

Speaker 193 Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse.

Speaker 193 None of them have ever seen a ballot box.

Speaker 193 Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas?

Speaker 122 They do.

Speaker 193 Yeah.

Speaker 193 If you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced.

Speaker 193 I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related.

Speaker 193 Just one big old family of thumbs.

Speaker 193 Did you guys hear about the

Speaker 193 big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that, a Hooters?

Speaker 15 What are we going to do with all those girls?

Speaker 193 That's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 17 Cassandra Hartford actually doing pretty good for an audience, bucket pool.

Speaker 190 Incredible.

Speaker 121 You said retard 11 times during your set, but you know what they say.

Speaker 36 If you are one, you're allowed to say the word.

Speaker 31 So congratulations. Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 24 This is the first time we've had our own Hawk Tua girl on the show.

Speaker 47 This is very exciting.

Speaker 55 Hawk Thria over here, we'll call you.

Speaker 110 Like a new model of Hawk Tua.

Speaker 161 What brings you to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 51 Do you live here?

Speaker 193 I do not live here. I live in Florida.

Speaker 83 What part of Florida?

Speaker 193 Melbourne, just outside of Orlando.

Speaker 132 Uh-huh.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 25 And you're just visiting Austin?

Speaker 193 Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert.

Speaker 89 What concert?

Speaker 193 Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount. Wow.

Speaker 132 Yeah. Never heard of them.

Speaker 139 What kind of music is that?

Speaker 39 A little folky, little blues.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 34 Yeah. You know about them?

Speaker 43 You know about nothing musically.

Speaker 75 How do you know about them?

Speaker 13 I can't remember, actually, but no, they're great.

Speaker 14 They're good.

Speaker 34 Is it girls?

Speaker 193 Nope, two dudes, Andy and Kyle.

Speaker 34 Wow, you're looking at dudes playing music.

Speaker 142 What's going on over here?

Speaker 35 Look at my little cultured co-host over here.

Speaker 36 I never knew you had it in you.

Speaker 13 They're chill.

Speaker 95 They're like really cool.

Speaker 69 I recommend it.

Speaker 110 Penny and Sparrow.

Speaker 20 Is it like country music?

Speaker 193 Not country.

Speaker 34 Considered folk.

Speaker 105 Whoa.

Speaker 165 Their biggest song is called Slaves.

Speaker 157 There's kind of a theme tonight.

Speaker 75 I don't know if anybody's catching on to it.

Speaker 26 Trying to get away from the racism thing in my reputation right now.

Speaker 117 And episodes like this don't help at all.

Speaker 50 I'm here for a concert.

Speaker 50 Penny and Sparrow. You might know them from their hit slaves.

Speaker 11 Couple white guys singing about slaves.

Speaker 34 All right.

Speaker 92 And what's your story?

Speaker 52 You're married.

Speaker 75 You You have a big, big diamond on that finger. Whoa.

Speaker 113 How long have you been married for?

Speaker 122 I'm engaged.

Speaker 193 I've been engaged for about three years.

Speaker 146 Let me just tell you.

Speaker 36 Let me just tell you.

Speaker 94 There's a theme tonight.

Speaker 44 I don't know if you've been watching this show.

Speaker 34 But

Speaker 146 you better get married because he could die at any point.

Speaker 51 Why do you think you've been engaged for three years and he hasn't pulled the trigger yet?

Speaker 193 He already pulled the trigger. I haven't planned the wedding.

Speaker 165 It's up to you now. Why are you hesitating on planning a wedding?

Speaker 193 I just, I don't have the intrinsic desire to pick the fucking flowers and like that whole like dress thing. Like, I can't be bothered.
It's like, it's me. It's not him.
It's me. I'm the problem.

Speaker 98 He's in for a ride.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 107 Jeez, Louise.

Speaker 103 Isn't it every girl's dream to do this? And you're like, you just sound like you don't seem enthused.

Speaker 193 I don't like being judged by Evil Knievel, first of all.

Speaker 114 Whoa, look at that.

Speaker 15 Don't take that.

Speaker 120 Damn. Don't take that.

Speaker 34 I love evil kinival.

Speaker 77 Oh, my God.

Speaker 125 Just call me Eve.

Speaker 36 Summer's Eve.

Speaker 35 Am I right?

Speaker 149 Loose your mouth.

Speaker 161 I love it.

Speaker 11 So what do you do for work, Cassandra Hartford?

Speaker 193 Yeah, it's Hartford.

Speaker 132 Ferd. Uh-huh.

Speaker 34 Ford.

Speaker 49 I own a...

Speaker 34 El Correcto over.

Speaker 193 The Ferd just gives that 12% retard. Ferd, you know,

Speaker 193 leaning out of that.

Speaker 20 There's 18.

Speaker 11 There it is.

Speaker 171 Your special trick.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 193 I own a commercial real estate brokerage.

Speaker 114 Wow. Look at that.
And what does your

Speaker 137 husband to be do?

Speaker 193 Manages money.

Speaker 164 He manages money.

Speaker 43 Is he good at it?

Speaker 54 I think he's pretty good.

Speaker 90 You have a nice home as a commercial real estate brokerage.

Speaker 49 Yeah, we're good. Yeah.

Speaker 193 I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up.

Speaker 34 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 35 Hell yeah.

Speaker 193 I just get like a regular life.

Speaker 19 You don't have eight pit bulls?

Speaker 92 What kind of a car do you have?

Speaker 193 A fucking Tesla.

Speaker 193 A Tesla.

Speaker 53 You don't like your Tesla?

Speaker 193 I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's the

Speaker 13 Teslas are great.

Speaker 193 I fucking love Teslas, but everybody that has a Tesla loves it.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 60 Why you feel like you're afraid to talk about it or something? Yeah.

Speaker 193 Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right?

Speaker 193 Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasing. No, I just look like I look like what I am.

Speaker 113 I know, I'm aware.

Speaker 29 So funny, Tesla was always a liberal car.

Speaker 35 It used to be.

Speaker 50 It used to be the funniest thing that saved the planet.

Speaker 10 Yeah, everything against oil and gas.

Speaker 23 Same with all the people that they

Speaker 166 all the good people get considered MAGA now. Isn't that interesting?

Speaker 187 On Amazon for $15, they have these things where you could take off the Tesla logos and put a Honda Prius on it, and people think it's a Honda Prius.

Speaker 15 Cool.

Speaker 193 Thanks.

Speaker 42 So if you want a Honda Prius.

Speaker 20 Or even in your case, you can put retard on it.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 116 Yep. And then everyone will know it's you.

Speaker 26 It's the retard girl.

Speaker 42 Cassandra Hartford.

Speaker 159 What do you do for fun, Cassandra?

Speaker 193 This.

Speaker 78 You do stand-up.

Speaker 112 How long have you been on stand-up for?

Speaker 193 Like five hours.

Speaker 193 Like in total, you know, like stage time.

Speaker 92 Right. So did you perform five hours ago?

Speaker 133 No, no, no, no, no, like collectively, five hours so you wrote that you wrote your six retard jokes and

Speaker 193 decided to do this today no so

Speaker 193 on stage on and off yeah he

Speaker 193 gets it he's just trying to get me to say a year and a half yeah red band understood

Speaker 193 what i said he understood no he doesn't fucking know i want to hear it from you not from fucking red band on and off for about a year total time on stage five hours

Speaker 163 so you've been you first went on stage about a year and a half ago.

Speaker 49 Correct. Okay.

Speaker 29 Why would you say five hours then?

Speaker 193 It's just confusing to me when people like eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking time on stage?

Speaker 164 Because that your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 103 Uh-uh, we don't say dumber, we say,

Speaker 14 yeah.

Speaker 70 This is

Speaker 79 a fucking

Speaker 45 bleep fest is what's happening right now.

Speaker 107 People hate the bleep.

Speaker 34 It's an eight-minute show today.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 92 So in a year and a half, you think you've been on stage five hours is what you're saying.

Speaker 193 I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.

Speaker 36 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 54 Do you have fun when you perform stand-up comedy?

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 78 Do you make friends that are comedians?

Speaker 155 I try to.

Speaker 91 Do you have more friends in the real estate business or the comedy business?

Speaker 193 Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day.

Speaker 193 Yeah.

Speaker 91 Are you good at selling commercial commercial real estate?

Speaker 170 Yeah.

Speaker 193 You are? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 193 So good I opened a company and I started doing it.

Speaker 48 You have your own company.

Speaker 170 Right.

Speaker 163 So good at it that you started your own company.

Speaker 193 It's like a it

Speaker 193 fucking does. It literally does.

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 20 We're down to seven.

Speaker 147 Where did you meet your husband to be at?

Speaker 193 We met at a comedy show.

Speaker 26 At a comedy show.

Speaker 36 Were you performing?

Speaker 193 I was not. I hadn't no interest.

Speaker 50 What was the comedy show?

Speaker 193 Just a mic in Melbourne, Florida.

Speaker 44 You guys were just at a random open mic together.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 163 And you guys were sat next to each other?

Speaker 193 In the same room, and he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, and a unicorn.

Speaker 50 Did he?

Speaker 91 He doesn't do stand-up, though.

Speaker 104 He does not, no. Okay.
No, no, no.

Speaker 160 You're the funny one in this relationship.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 94 What are you doing, Red Bam?

Speaker 34 Red Bam.

Speaker 10 You're doing physical.

Speaker 104 You guys didn't even realize the whole time she's had her hand in her front pocket playing with her kids.

Speaker 145 Why the fuck is she going to be like that?

Speaker 35 She's been playing with her kid the whole time she's going like that.

Speaker 35 You got Colt and Christie over here.

Speaker 44 Very excited about the front pocket acknowledgement on a podcast.

Speaker 55 Cassandra, most interesting thing about your life before I let you go.

Speaker 34 Oh, God.

Speaker 193 I was a teen mom.

Speaker 62 You were?

Speaker 29 Twice. Wow.

Speaker 163 So how old are your kids now?

Speaker 193 17 and a half and 16 and a half.

Speaker 93 17 and what?

Speaker 193 So they're almost 18, almost 17.

Speaker 193 So they're almost adults. Wow.

Speaker 132 Yeah. My goodness.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 37 And who was that guy?

Speaker 160 You still talk to him?

Speaker 193 When I have to.

Speaker 143 Right.

Speaker 27 Is he a good guy?

Speaker 90 Does he have a steady job?

Speaker 176 I hope so.

Speaker 193 You don't know? I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know.

Speaker 193 Yeah,

Speaker 193 we were teenagers.

Speaker 112 So, you know, what's your name?

Speaker 36 Can you let him nut inside of you all all the time?

Speaker 18 Did you not know how the birds and the bees worked?

Speaker 104 I guess not.

Speaker 124 You didn't?

Speaker 193 No, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions.

Speaker 54 But he was finishing inside of you.

Speaker 35 I'm aware.

Speaker 36 You didn't notice that?

Speaker 193 There's this weird thing that, like, some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finish.

Speaker 104 Ah,

Speaker 161 the old Florida fuck tuery.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 50 That's what happens.

Speaker 34 Yo, minute meatloaf. That's right.

Speaker 50 The old pepperoni pit set, the old double stuffed crust,

Speaker 40 the old elephantier.

Speaker 96 Can I ask, this is kind of an intimate question.

Speaker 34 Do you mind if Big Daddy digs a little deep?

Speaker 50 Absolutely.

Speaker 25 You were getting deep.

Speaker 95 Daddy wants to get deep.

Speaker 6 Dig, Daddy, dig.

Speaker 151 So

Speaker 95 you're doing the teenager thing, and sometimes when you're a teen,

Speaker 151 you don't have a place you can do the deed.

Speaker 102 So not to get too, but did you do it in a car or something?

Speaker 82 Like did you have fun in a car?

Speaker 193 Good question. I respect that question.
No, it was always at his parents' house.

Speaker 125 Like in the basement or something?

Speaker 193 Just in a bedroom.

Speaker 24 In like a race car bed?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 133 Was it a spirit? Were there posters on the wall? Do you remember if there were posters on the wall?

Speaker 193 It was dark.

Speaker 13 It was always dark.

Speaker 49 It was dark.

Speaker 94 Okay,

Speaker 106 were the parents in the house when you were doing it?

Speaker 49 Probably.

Speaker 193 Probably in the garage ripping cigarettes.

Speaker 151 That's why he did it so fast.

Speaker 98 The parents were there.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Yeah, you got it when the parents are there.

Speaker 151 Did you ever do it at your house, or was it always at his house?

Speaker 193 Always his.

Speaker 34 Why not your house?

Speaker 193 It was rough.

Speaker 62 Tell us more. Yeah, it's a rough house.

Speaker 193 My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point. Wow.

Speaker 187 Yeah. I didn't realize that the character Jenny from Torrest Gump was based on you.

Speaker 25 That really is a rough upbringing.

Speaker 165 Being raised in a carport.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 34 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 50 We never got to have sex at her place.

Speaker 45 Cassandra lived in a carpool.

Speaker 6 So I had to nut inside of her in my race car bed.

Speaker 33 I kind of sound like Joe White.

Speaker 34 I'm not it inside of her, Tony.

Speaker 33 Where's Joe White at?

Speaker 112 Get him up here. Where's he at?

Speaker 116 Some of you might not know, but we have a house photographer that's 175 years old, and he has one of the funniest voices you've ever heard.

Speaker 11 We couldn't. I have to.

Speaker 49 Where is he?

Speaker 173 He's coming up the stairs.

Speaker 148 Oh, this is going to take forever.

Speaker 157 Wow.

Speaker 39 My goodness. And how about this new man?

Speaker 165 Wait, where is he?

Speaker 39 Where's this supposed hot fiancé of yours?

Speaker 49 Where's he at?

Speaker 95 Glasses.

Speaker 117 Which guy?

Speaker 114 Oh, look at that guy.

Speaker 35 Wow.

Speaker 92 Look at fucking Clark Kent over here.

Speaker 107 Holy shit.

Speaker 18 And how about him? Do you let him finish inside of you like

Speaker 165 you did the old boy back in the day?

Speaker 50 Does this guy do the old fucking dump and pump?

Speaker 24 Does this guy come and keep going at the same time?

Speaker 47 Does this guy do the old fucking...

Speaker 3 It's called the manatee meatloaf. I already told you.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 34 The old

Speaker 50 creme de la creme.

Speaker 50 The old frosted flake.

Speaker 64 the old

Speaker 39 All right, where the fuck's Joe White?

Speaker 130 Okay, Joe White.

Speaker 47 Here's Joe White, everybody

Speaker 190 Here he is ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 130 There he is

Speaker 27 our photographer since wait, don't take her mic Joe Joe Joe to give her her mic back.

Speaker 53 We got a special mic for you you crazy old batty bastard

Speaker 24 Let's do a version of the forest gump music, but not exactly so that it sets off the YouTube sensors.

Speaker 139 And then, Joe, I want you to say, I want you to say,

Speaker 139 I want you to say

Speaker 139 we couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport.

Speaker 63 Ready?

Speaker 30 One, two, one, two, three, four.

Speaker 20 We couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport.

Speaker 123 Perfect. Perfect.

Speaker 21 If the podcast gave out Emmy Awards, I swear to God we would win one.

Speaker 41 I swear to God.

Speaker 140 Perfect.

Speaker 40 Alright, Cassandra.

Speaker 98 Perfect.

Speaker 130 How about a hand for Joe Whiteley?

Speaker 16 We love you, Joe. Biggest pimp in the world, guys.

Speaker 17 Not a lot of people know this, but he's the one that took the picture at the last supper.

Speaker 173 He's a photographer for Paul Revere back in the day.

Speaker 74 So many great things.

Speaker 17 That was him.

Speaker 33 Here is a big joke book, Cassandra.

Speaker 22 We're going to give it to you, even though your set was just okay.

Speaker 87 I like your energy and your attitude.

Speaker 161 Cassandra Hartford.

Speaker 80 Oh, that's what happens when you keep your hand in your pocket.

Speaker 87 They're not ready.

Speaker 16 Cassandra Hartford.

Speaker 73 All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here.

Speaker 41 We're in overtime now.

Speaker 163 Make some noise for Jovan Afzali.

Speaker 162 Or Johan, perhaps.

Speaker 191 Or or Jovan

Speaker 104 All right, uh let me know if this makes you laugh. Okay, so I um

Speaker 104 Okay, so I went to get a physical the other day, right?

Speaker 104 And I get to the doctors and I show them my insurance card and they're like, oh, with your insurance, we can only check your sight and your weight.

Speaker 104 So they took me in the back and they made me look in a mirror and just guess how fat I was.

Speaker 104 I'm like, oh, oh, I'm not that fat. Okay, and they're like, you're definitely going to need glasses.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 104 So so there was a lot of hot girls at the library today, but I didn't talk to any of them because it's hard to be charming when you have to whisper So instead I just sat down next to one and I read eating pussy for dummies and vigorously highlighted

Speaker 104 I swear to God man if if one more person says I look exactly like George Floyd I'm gonna lose my shit

Speaker 104 You know me,

Speaker 104 I'm just a classic incel. One time I had sex with a blow-up doll on an air mattress.

Speaker 104 I've never been more out of breath. Holy shit.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 16 Joe Bon Abzali, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 Incredible set.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 161 Perhaps more jokes than we've heard from every bucket pull all night tonight, all in one 60-second set.

Speaker 51 Harlan Williams.

Speaker 99 Every joke, yeah.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 99 Like every single joke, you got a big laugh.

Speaker 95 So way to go, bud. Thank you.

Speaker 15 Yeah. Thank you.
Incredible.

Speaker 131 And you've been on this show before, right?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 90 But it did not go that well last time, right?

Speaker 104 No, I think.

Speaker 90 You're showing growth.

Speaker 172 It happens. It's a natural thing.

Speaker 36 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 104 I'm four years, yeah.

Speaker 23 Four years.

Speaker 192 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 104 No,

Speaker 104 two years in Austin, two years in Albany.

Speaker 49 That's where I'm from, New York.

Speaker 114 Another upstate New York.

Speaker 34 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 157 Wow.

Speaker 63 Congratulations on getting out of there.

Speaker 50 What do you do for work?

Speaker 104 I'm a cook at a sushi restaurant nearby. Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 96 Well, that doesn't make sense.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 13 You cook sushi, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 15 I see your point.

Speaker 104 I see your point.

Speaker 96 I think he's fucking lying is what he's doing.

Speaker 14 Hell yeah.

Speaker 104 Well, it wasn't my first choice, yeah. Like, um, I wanted to be a hibachi cook because, like, it's the only job where you get to throw shrimp into black guys' mouths and nobody bats an eye.

Speaker 142 uh,

Speaker 34 wow. But they wouldn't hire me.

Speaker 34 Here we go.

Speaker 40 So I went sushi.

Speaker 95 We almost had a big, good ending, but we got to chop down another minute now.

Speaker 130 Incredible.

Speaker 39 So, what are you cooking?

Speaker 32 You're basically deep-frying wontons at a mame?

Speaker 104 No, I'm a prep cook. And the sauce guy just got fired today, so I got moved off to sauces.

Speaker 35 Wow.

Speaker 149 Wow.

Speaker 70 Yes.

Speaker 79 Sauce guy.

Speaker 136 Do you know why the sauce guy got fired?

Speaker 104 It's a big mystery, but I can only guess, you know. Yeah.

Speaker 64 Probably putting.

Speaker 23 What would you guess?

Speaker 104 Probably putting bad stuff in the sauce.

Speaker 148 There you go. No doubt about it.

Speaker 35 That's exactly what I was thinking.

Speaker 106 Have you ever seen a sauce squash?

Speaker 104 That's fucking corny. That's fucking corny.

Speaker 157 What the fuck?

Speaker 107 Hey, I'm evil Knievel. I do what I want.

Speaker 4 I said, have you ever seen a sauce squash?

Speaker 19 What's the best sauce that you're looking forward to making?

Speaker 35 Oh, there's this really good one.

Speaker 104 It's like an edamame with jalapenos in it. It's like, we call it EDJ, and it's like, I don't know, it's delicious.

Speaker 84 Why do you call it EDJ?

Speaker 104 Edamame jalapeno.

Speaker 142 Dip shit.

Speaker 15 Well,

Speaker 20 I see

Speaker 25 you would say that, which is cool and all.

Speaker 20 Dip shit.

Speaker 33 But that would make it EJ.

Speaker 121 Or else you would just do the first two letters of both fucking words.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 6 E-D-J-A sauce. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 104 I see your point. Yeah,

Speaker 104 I see your point. I'm sorry for overreacting.

Speaker 190 Yeah, you're goddamn fucking right you are.

Speaker 53 Little fucking f little bulldyke bitch.

Speaker 95 Don't worry about it, DS.

Speaker 190 Give these people a fucking shot. They want to get a goddamn fucking attitude.

Speaker 121 Getting a fucking little joke book now.

Speaker 35 Oh, come on.

Speaker 42 You got a big one.

Speaker 112 You had a little one last time you were on, right?

Speaker 104 Young man doing my best. Give me a big one.

Speaker 34 How old are you?

Speaker 168 23.

Speaker 14 All right. Yeah, come on.

Speaker 20 23. How long?

Speaker 28 What's the longest set you've ever done?

Speaker 104 I did 20 minutes on my local funny bone once upon a time. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Wow, 20 minutes.

Speaker 76 And he kind of looks like a bitch.

Speaker 95 Red Band, what are you going to say?

Speaker 6 I'd love to have you do a little set at the secret show.

Speaker 20 Really? Oh, thank you. That'd be okay.

Speaker 15 There you go. That'd be lovely.

Speaker 149 Lovely.

Speaker 130 Is it Jovon?

Speaker 73 Am I saying that right? Jovan?

Speaker 144 Jovan.

Speaker 70 Yeah, Jovan.

Speaker 84 Jovan, congratulations.

Speaker 31 Indeed, you are getting a big joke book.

Speaker 16 Congratulations. There he goes.
Jovan Afzali. Very good said, Jovan.

Speaker 73 Sign up again.

Speaker 16 Jovan Afzali.

Speaker 173 Alright, that was fun.

Speaker 85 There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the record holding Hall of Famer.

Speaker 85 Ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Diablo a la Dairy queen.

Speaker 162 This is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 162 Wow.

Speaker 144 My favorite Kentucky Derby horse this year was Flying Mohawk. I love that name.
And I think my least favorite name at the Derby this year was John Benet Ramsey's Killer.

Speaker 144 I asked Red Band if he had a horse, what would he name it? And he said, there goes the neighborhood.

Speaker 144 That's pathetic, Red Band, you fucking idiot.

Speaker 144 A morbidly obese murderer on death row is arguing that his obesity will cause him to suffer when he's executed, and that's bad because

Speaker 144 Rosie O'Donnell says she has a crush on Lyle Menendez, who along with his brother has been in prison for the last 35 years for killing his parents.

Speaker 9 I know this goes without saying, but Lyle, stay away from that crazy bitch. She'll ruin your reputation, Lyle.

Speaker 144 Okay, Tony, that's my time, Dave.

Speaker 15 Very good.

Speaker 16 57 seconds from the master.

Speaker 9 So I was three seconds off, Tony.

Speaker 8 Really?

Speaker 40 It was close.

Speaker 11 God.

Speaker 39 57 seconds off.

Speaker 11 Fuck.

Speaker 33 How does that make you feel? No.

Speaker 144 It sucks, man. I was thinking that was for sure a minute.
I was picturing more laughter for some of the jokes, but I was thinking it was going to be right at a minute, but I was three seconds short.

Speaker 76 You did really good.

Speaker 36 Speaking of short.

Speaker 18 What are these camo shorts you're rocking tonight, William?

Speaker 74 We've never seen that.

Speaker 144 Tony, I was on Facebook. I scrolled through.
I had to follow these different Facebook pages, and I was scrolling through it, and I saw these shorts, and I'm like, I got to get these shorts.

Speaker 144 And I got the shorts. I got to,

Speaker 144 I'm doing the shorts. I'm still doing the row machine.
I'm at 50,000 meters this month. Tony, I'm at 750,000 meters since January 1st.

Speaker 64 Whoa.

Speaker 150 I'm planning on hitting a million in June.

Speaker 144 Oh. I'm sponsoring, Tony, you're going to be proud of me.
I'm sponsoring St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital.

Speaker 26 Whoa.

Speaker 97 For what?

Speaker 144 Each dollar I raise, I have all these different donors, and each meter I go, they're giving me a dollar.

Speaker 54 You have different donors?

Speaker 144 I have a couple different donors who are willing to do this. Big people who are down with helping children, sick kids.
Why are you laughing at that, you fucking weirdo?

Speaker 144 You're about to be hooked up onto the same machines, dumbass, when you're dying in the fucking hospital. And I wish I was wrong.
I'm trying to get you on the fucking Row Machine, dude.

Speaker 97 Here's Schwartz look like they were in Cam Patterson's bedroom.

Speaker 84 Whoa, Red Band recycling jokes from 45 minutes ago, nailing it.

Speaker 20 How do you do that? How do you remember that?

Speaker 27 Carlin says them to somebody else, and then he does them.

Speaker 90 It's incredible.

Speaker 160 He's like, he's got a master of the craft.

Speaker 144 It was really funny when the girl was talking about all the death in her life with the car crashes. He was doing good at that.
Red Band, you were pretty funny at that.

Speaker 40 Yes, he was doing good.

Speaker 20 Thank you, William.

Speaker 103 I love that there's leaves all over your shorts there.

Speaker 98 If you ever need to wipe your ass, you can just sit down.

Speaker 183 I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

Speaker 40 What made you fall in love with those camo shorts?

Speaker 23 Are you hunting on your knees?

Speaker 8 Oh, no.

Speaker 144 I'm just, I don't know, Tony.

Speaker 7 Balder Boy season.

Speaker 40 Let's go.

Speaker 184 It's Capit Lucas merch.

Speaker 110 You doing a little, doing a little duck hunt?

Speaker 144 No, I went duck hunting once, Tony. It was the saddest thing.

Speaker 109 Tell us about it.

Speaker 107 We need to know.

Speaker 144 Oh, my God. I was with my buddy Ben Jordan, and I remember we were hitting whippets on the way to his property in Tennessee, and Jordan was hitting him while we were driving, which was scary.

Speaker 144 And then we ended up shooting shotguns, shooting skeet, and I think that's why I have tinnitus right now because we didn't have earplugs or anything.

Speaker 144 We ended up, he shot a couple of ducks, and I just remember thinking it'd be like two buddies up there flying, and then one of them just disappears.

Speaker 144 So, I can't, I'm never gonna participate again. I'll eat them, but I don't want to participate.

Speaker 185 How often do you eat duck?

Speaker 144 Oh my gosh, Tony, probably once a week. If fucking

Speaker 20 what are some of your favorite duck dishes?

Speaker 144 Meking, mekong duck,

Speaker 144 Peking duck.

Speaker 107 Okay.

Speaker 53 Peking duck.

Speaker 16 Sounds like you're going off on a little thing here.

Speaker 144 Ho Chi Minh Duck.

Speaker 34 Ooh,

Speaker 18 Ho Chi Minh Duck.

Speaker 107 Yeah. Keep going.

Speaker 144 Vietnamese duck.

Speaker 40 Ooh.

Speaker 5 Donald. Quack.
Donald.

Speaker 4 Quack.

Speaker 168 Okay.

Speaker 144 You ever have Korea City duck? Wait, Korea City's not a place. And that was sad.

Speaker 153 I'm sorry.

Speaker 144 i love the lighting guy tried to jump in on that one yeah trying to help me thank you dumbass you kind of made it worse you kind of made it worse

Speaker 59 wow how about goose have you ever eaten goose we talked to i ate every goose no but seriously no i don't like goose you don't like goose have you tried it um yes what kind of goose did you have oh my gosh it was a yellow goose oh yeah yeah it was chocolate oh chocolate goose chocolate yellow goose You ever have blue heron?

Speaker 144 Blue heron? Yes, I love it.

Speaker 49 Wow, yeah.

Speaker 125 What about flamingo?

Speaker 144 Flamingo, never, no, is it a restaurant?

Speaker 13 The other gay meat.

Speaker 144 The other.

Speaker 129 I mean, come on, flamingos.

Speaker 3 They're pink. What do they even sound like?

Speaker 143 Quack, quack.

Speaker 116 Wow, Red Band's been waiting a long time for a gay flamingo.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 84 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 144 Weirdly enough, that's what his mom was doing. Oh, my dick last night.

Speaker 107 Oh, seriously.

Speaker 34 Baking that blanket.

Speaker 34 Oh, shit.

Speaker 34 Oh.

Speaker 144 He has like a gagging kind of that weird bird kind of shit.

Speaker 40 It was so weird. Yes.

Speaker 152 Oh.

Speaker 23 She did do that, didn't she?

Speaker 144 I'm sorry, Red Band. I've been trying to be nicer, but when you kind of went after the sick kids, I was kind of fucked up.

Speaker 144 Seriously.

Speaker 93 You're very excited about this partnership with St.

Speaker 163 Jude.

Speaker 18 What are some of the ailments that these kids have?

Speaker 144 Yeah, we're talking lymphoma. We are talking brain cancers.
We're talking bone cancers. We're talking

Speaker 144 different kinds of blood cancer. What's the real popular blood cancer?

Speaker 42 Lymphoma.

Speaker 144 No, but there's another one.

Speaker 140 Oh.

Speaker 144 What else is it? Leukemia.

Speaker 130 Leukemia. Yeah.

Speaker 58 A lot of leukemia.

Speaker 163 How about, are there any more cancers that you could rattle off?

Speaker 144 Shit, maybe a little skin cancer.

Speaker 144 No, I have skin cancer right now, so I shouldn't say that.

Speaker 18 What kind of skin cancer do you have?

Speaker 144 Fuck, oh, my left arm skin cancer.

Speaker 74 We're trying to get the party started here.

Speaker 19 We're trying to get a little momentum.

Speaker 20 I know.

Speaker 144 You messed up with the duck thing? I was trying to think of different Asian cities, Tony, but I didn't work.

Speaker 13 What do you got?

Speaker 61 Like melanoma on your arm, my guy?

Speaker 144 Well, I don't know yet. It's just an itchy pimple, and that's how the other one started.

Speaker 162 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 151 Did you get a biopsied?

Speaker 127 Not yet.

Speaker 14 I'm scheduled to go in June.

Speaker 49 Really? Can I come?

Speaker 3 If you want, I'd love to see you.

Speaker 144 You'd be nice to me in there. I need some support in there.

Speaker 7 I get scared of it.

Speaker 99 I'd love to go with you to your biopsy, my guy.

Speaker 96 Okay. Oh, what a treat.

Speaker 97 Well, thank you. Seriously, thank you.

Speaker 98 You're very welcome because I'm not going to be there.

Speaker 105 there.

Speaker 33 Red Band laughed pretty hard at that.

Speaker 94 I don't know if you caught that.

Speaker 144 I thought I heard him. I thought I heard him.

Speaker 34 Yeah. No, I'll be there, guy.

Speaker 98 I'll be there. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 96 I'll go with you, my guy.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Yeah, incredible.

Speaker 23 We'll do whatever we have to do.

Speaker 18 If that itchy pimple turns out to be skin cancer,

Speaker 50 I'll buy you a new pair of shoes. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay, okay.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 169 My favorite pair of Nikes well thank you absolutely now let me ask you this

Speaker 139 let's say you do end up getting diagnosed with skin cancer and they say look we could treat you but the only place we could treat you is St.

Speaker 112 Jude's Children's Hospital and unfortunately all the beds are filled right now and it turns out that your plan of rowing for the children backfired because you raised so much money for the kids rowing that there's no longer a bed available for you.

Speaker 32 What would you say to the kids out there that have cancer at St.

Speaker 89 Jude's?

Speaker 144 I have made you motherfuckers $3 million since January. I get it.
You have leukemia or something, but you're going to have to get out of the fucking bed. My uncle lives in Memphis.

Speaker 144 I have a dear uncle who lives in Memphis. You can live in his pool house.
Live in the pool house because I get this bed. I'm going to be the first adult ever to be

Speaker 144 receiving the services at St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital.
I will be the first adult. So you have to leave little man and go to my fucking uncle's pool house.

Speaker 158 And what if he says, please, sir, please, please stop saying that I really need this bed.

Speaker 8 Keep him down.

Speaker 136 What if he says, please stop?

Speaker 144 I'm going to fucking get my knife out of my pocket and run it along his foot and say, I don't think you want this thing in your fucking foot, dude.

Speaker 144 Get out of your bed, get into the wheelchair, get into my aunt's car, and go to my uncle's pool house because that's where you're gonna die, dumbass.

Speaker 22 Absolutely perfect way to end tonight's episode. This has been, believe it or not, the number one live comedy show in the world, Kill Tony.

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the silver goat, Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 21 Check out, of course, you probably already are, but make sure you check out the Harlan Highway, the funniest podcast out there, without a doubt.

Speaker 173 Guest of the year, Harlan Williams, Reigning Defending.

Speaker 84 Shout out to Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg for joining the band tonight.

Speaker 16 One more time for D-Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Malayo, Carlos Sosa. The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 53 E-Belt is in, it is, of Harlan Williams, and it is incredible.

Speaker 26 Check that out.

Speaker 34 That artist.

Speaker 151 Looks a lot like Evil Knievel to me.

Speaker 41 That is. That's Evil Knievel.

Speaker 73 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight.

Speaker 107 Ooh, a little Casey Rocket.

Speaker 93 It's been a while since we've seen the sweet crap man.

Speaker 40 Casey Rocket out there touring all around the world.

Speaker 146 Business is booming.

Speaker 34 Red Bam.

Speaker 150 Check out the SunsetStripATX.com every Thursday Secret Show.

Speaker 94 Love you guys.

Speaker 6 Absolutely.

Speaker 21 We will see you guys soon.

Speaker 28 Madison Square Garden is still a few tickets remaining, and I'm doing stand-up the night before.

Speaker 84 Me and some of your favorite characters on the show doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 87 I don't know if you guys know this, but last time I was there, I got into a little bit of trub trubs.

Speaker 21 So it'll be fun to be back at my favorite arena in the world, the most famous arena in the world.

Speaker 112 Tickets are on sale now, tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 136 And yeah, that's about it.

Speaker 33 Live audience. Thank you guys.

Speaker 23 We love you.

Speaker 21 We'll see you guys soon.

Speaker 41 Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 188 The Sunset Strip Comedy Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.