KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tunneling

hey this is red breaks coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tug get up recorder it's back

who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Fuck yeah.

God damn it, that felt good.

How about a hand for red band, everybody?

And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

That is Rauvalejo,

Carlos Sosa Fernando Castillo and Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums I gotta say he's bigger than ever he looks fucking huge today that is Shane Greenberg on the guitar everybody am I saying that right Shane

Sean all right

S H A A N on my fucking sheet.

I had a 50-50 shot at it.

Either could be Sean or Shane.

This is what happens.

That's the cameraman, Yoni, over there giving me fucking S-H-A-A-N.

Take a good fucking guess.

Flip a coin.

Never seen Sean spelled that way, but you got to take a chance everyone.

That's Shane Greenberg.

One more time.

He's a Jew, I do believe.

Greenberg.

And this is Jay Stiles joining us on the keys, everybody.

John Dees and Matt Muelling are out touring arenas with some big musician or some shit.

I don't know what they're doing, but I like these guys.

I like

Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg.

And believe it or not, this is D-Madness here on the bass guitar, everybody.

Very exciting stuff.

I am excited about this episode.

It's going to be a doozy.

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Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four liter jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

You know, every single week, I know I always hype up every single week because I book it so that it's entertaining for me.

Well, this is one of those weeks where, without a doubt, it's entertaining for me and for the people.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one-guest night, and that one guest happens to be the reigning, defending, undisputed

guest of the year of 2024.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of Harlan Williams.

Make some fucking noise for Harlan Williams, people.

Come on in, Harlan.

Boom!

Harlan Williams of the Harlan Highway.

So many great things.

One of the best comedians in the world.

One of my favorite comedic actors.

Thank you.

Dumb and dumber.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There's something about Mary.

Employee of the month.

Thank you.

Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way?

Get a little excited.

I feel like you should be in a new movie, the Tourette's movie.

What the hell is

how we feeling tonight?

Good, buddy.

I brought a little thing in my jig if I could.

What happened?

Well, nothing happened to me, gang, comedy gang.

But, you know, in all these award shows, they have like a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer.

And every now and then we get comics.

You know, everyone tries real, real hard, like.

And every now and then we get one that needs a little help, a little extra help.

So tonight I'll be giving away the silver crutch.

Ooh, wee!

I love it.

This is very exciting.

Some lucky comedian, in fact, the worst, I mean the luckiest comedian.

Yeah, the one that needs it the most.

Get a little extra kick with the silver crutch.

The silver crutch.

We've found the sound effect of the silver crutch.

It is that.

Red Band has selected.

He never knows what sounds going to play on his soundboard.

I was thinking it'd be more like someone's tripping downstairs okay let's do something like that

not at the Adams family house

okay all right Barney Rubble tripping downstairs thank you yeah

How about that?

I don't use a vibrator, but thank you.

Harland, the reigning defending guest of the year, here to perhaps be the first ever two-time guest of the year.

Oh, come on.

Anything can happen.

Come on now, Sally Struthers.

Anything can happen.

Anything can happen.

Don't stand.

Smother me up, Sal.

That's what I do.

Everyone knows that I am the Sally Struthers of this show.

And so you know how it works, Harlan.

Over 200 people signed up for this show.

They are all in the bar next door.

200?

Over 200.

Oh, dude.

We're going to let this dying-y little boy here

very sick with something.

I'm not sure what it is.

He takes the name, he hands it off.

It is legible.

And you know how it works.

When it's their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview, and me and Harlan find out what the fuck is what stars are made and idiots are found here out of this magical bucket for this is the number one live podcast in the world and you are the returning guest of the year

let's start it off with a bang your first set tonight

is going to an old friend of the show a very very controversial character some people love him Some people don't love him at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've been watching him grow over the past couple years.

This is a brand new minute from the one and only, Uncle Laser.

Some people got a face for radio.

I got more of a face for cuckholding.

The bar the other night, older gentleman comes to me and goes, man, we love you on that Kill Tony show.

We love you a lot.

He said, me and my wife are here renewing our vows.

For 30 years, we've met in this bar.

He goes, man, it's on my bucket list.

If you'll have sex with my wife while I watch.

I said, man, you didn't want to go skydiving?

You want me to fuck your wife?

He said, man, I'd be willing to give you a thousand shekels for your time.

Well, let's take a look at her at least.

So he,

that's never good, you know.

His fucking vending machine comes up out of the bathroom

From a distance her skin was leathery

Up close her skin was leathery She looked like an old fucking Buick seat

I Said hey man, I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to pass he said ma'am, I fucking need this

I said, I fucking don't, you know

He said, I'll give you $4,000 fucking dollars.

And I said,

you know what, dude?

Buick's not that bad of a car.

My name's Uncle Laser.

Thank you.

All right, Uncle Laser.

Have you told that story before on this show?

I've done that punchline on the back end, but never the story of it.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, Harland.

Can you do that?

Can you, like, do a joke and then just plug in the same punchline from another gag?

I don't really know.

We kind of make the rules as we go along here.

Laser's a special guy.

I want to ask you, bro, are you taking a night class in Kunalingus?

Because your tongue was going like all over the place.

We were like licking the air.

You're very lizardy.

Is that a side effect?

Are you on something?

Do you need a snow cone or something?

Like, what's...

He's had too many of those.

I noticed it took, I measured it seven seconds before you said anything.

You really made a point to make sure the mic stand was where you needed it.

I looked at it,

looking at everybody.

What is he doing?

He's trying to

cinco de mayo

your tongue goes a little wild on cinco de mayo dad been snorting to him since i got up this morning wow look at that red band celebrating cinco de mayo he loves mayonnaise

so much

he loves mayo pickles and pickles he thinks celebrating liquo de craco what the yeah

i love it lasers so what's been going on dude

uh Just just hanging out.

Did that really happen?

Did you fuck a little woman in front of a husband?

And honestly, it reminded me, when I first lost my virginity, it was a cuckoo situation as well.

Do you need another guy in the room to get hard?

I need a way.

He was black.

Oh.

It was a black guy and a Mexican chick.

I stole my mama's Jeep Drand Cherokee.

And we went to the Laca Colonia, which means El Colony in Spanish.

And we snuck into her window.

and he let me go first because he was a gentleman, but I was 12, so I didn't really know what I was doing, you know.

And then I feel a tap on my shoulder, this big, beautiful black man with his hard dick.

It's a stereotype.

Their dicks are huge.

Wait, what is going on, dude?

Holy shit.

You talk about when a comedy routine transitions so seamlessly into a court case.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

You were 12, and there's a giant hard black dick in front of you all of a sudden.

You need to put yourself behind bars, bro.

Yeah.

I was just happy to be there.

You know what I'm saying?

He tapped me on the shoulder.

He goes, let me show you how it's done.

And then he picked this Mexican woman up and he put her up against the wall of the trailer house.

Well, they wound up falling through the wall into

her Theo's room.

And she starts freaking out.

I go, man, they're calling the cops, you know?

And so we drove back home.

My mom's Jeep.

I wrecked it halfway there.

And then cops got him out.

This is enough.

Jesus fucking Christ.

The longest

sex story ever.

I mean, if you're going to make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines, laser.

This is criminal.

I'm just talking about my life.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well,

all right.

What are you on tonight?

I'm not on anything.

I mean, we had a little Mexican food and stuff, and I drank a couple of margaritas, but that's about it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Adderall.

Yeah.

All right.

There it is.

There's the.

I'm not going to lie to you.

There's been a lot of Adderall today.

There's the.

It's Monday.

You know, who hates Mondays?

Got to celebrate.

Dude, I would love it.

I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd eat it.

You'd eat it.

I love it, dude.

Uncle Laser, we're going to get you out of here.

We're going to get to the bucket.

Way to get it started.

Uncle Laser.

Uncle Laser might be.

He might need two of these.

He might need a fucking.

Oh, here we go.

My God.

There she is, ladies and gentlemen.

It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Wow.

Thank you.

Unbelievable.

Wow, there's a desperate horny man in the middle of the room yelling things at Heidi.

Okay, to the bucket we go.

This is where we meet people.

Chaos happens.

And we find out more about them.

Make some noise.

60 seconds uninterrupted.

Going to your first bucket pool.

Goes by the name of Zeth Burton, everyone.

Zeth Burton.

Alright, how are we doing, everybody?

Yeah?

You know, it's I'm pretty tall.

I come up here, I'm 6'5, you know, 200 pounds.

You see any ladies out there.

But anyway, so I hit about 6'5, 200 pounds.

I was 12 years old.

And, you know, no one really tells you, like, that's, you deal with a lot of stuff.

Like, I was, like, my nickname's like saggy because I have saggy nipples, you know, like.

Okay, you can laugh.

It's fine.

Anything like that.

Also, it's like they call me Shrek, my football team, you know.

and uh like no one tells you like as soon as you as soon as i hit 12 years old you know no one wanted to molest me anymore man it was over you know god all right this is a comic oh god but oh man

you know but

i'm from texas get up for texas everybody yeah yeah

all right let's chill out okay um yeah like Growing up in Texas, high school is a lot different out here.

Like, we bring anything but a car to school day, so they're showing up in horses and

And, you know, in career days, they're showing up in white hoods and crosses.

You know, it's pretty crazy.

I love it, man.

Oh, I mean, no, I.

Oh, shoot.

Okay.

I think that's it.

Do you want to finish?

Was there something big that you're getting to there?

I mean,

Arlen's saying no.

No, go ahead.

Finish it.

Oh, I was to say, like, you know, when I was 15, we had like gun safety classes because they wanted to get to those school shooters early, you know?

But they wish they had gotten me, though.

I mean.

Wow.

All right, Zeth Burton.

Let's talk it out here for a second.

You know what I find amazing?

I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Lazer's last story.

Yeah.

Strangely enough, we have heard of two 12.

100% of the comedians tonight have talked about their sex life at the age of 12.

Yeah.

And in particular, getting molested.

Yeah.

Where did the molestation happen, my guy?

I mean, you know, like dogs and stuff, you you know.

A dog molested you.

Yeah, man.

I stole a shoe from a dog.

It mounted me, man.

And it just, like, just totally kept it tight, so it penetrated me, man.

Well, it's

right, man.

You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes.

Hey, like, I saw, like, there was another girl who she was like, I was going to save her shoe, you know?

Like, we were 12 years old.

I was like, oh, this is it.

And she, I could, you know, there's no riz to get, like, if she watches me.

Jesus, Seth.

Shut the fuck up.

Holy shit.

All right, let's talk about it.

Put the crutch down for a second.

Oh, my.

Yeah, this is got a whole fucking wheelchair.

Forget about the crutch.

Oh, Lord.

Man.

Okay, so, Zeth,

how long have you been doing stand-up?

Let's see, close to two years now.

Two years.

Where at?

Mostly now in Los Angeles, but I started here in Dallas.

You started here in Dallas, and now you live in Los Angeles.

Yeah.

What brought you here?

Well, it's my mom's birthday this week, so I came for that, and I was like, you know what, what, let's drive three hours to, you know, let's do this.

Right.

Right.

Okay.

Yeah.

Is this your first time signing up for the show?

It is.

Or it's not.

It's my third time.

Okay.

This is your first time on the show.

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you any relation to Jack Nicholson?

Oh, I wish, yeah.

You have a crazy fucking face.

Yeah, there it is.

Wow, there it is.

Look at that.

Wow.

I nailed it.

It's assumed to my face.

Man.

Someone said I look like Quentin Tarantino, but.

No.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Now.

I'm going to kill myself.

So, Zeth, how old are you?

I'm 25.

25.

And what do you do for work?

I work at give tours at a movie studio.

Okay.

Yeah.

And how long have you been doing that for?

About two years.

I got the job immediately as I moved out there.

Okay.

Can you imagine this guy being your tour guide at the end?

You better give me a fucking tip.

Or I'm going to follow you fucking home, Wendy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, work and no play makes Jack a dull dull boy.

Okay, don't make me fall in love with you guy.

Can you do me a favor and lick the air for a second?

I can.

There we go.

Yeah.

He's definitely part of Laser Story.

This is it.

We found Uncle's Nephew.

Yeah.

So, Zeth, you're out there, you're giving tours, you're in LA, and you came here to celebrate your mom's birthday.

Did it already happen?

It did already happen, yeah.

What did you guys do to celebrate mom's birthday?

She bought me some boots, and uh

and she also took me to a rangers game yeah uh-huh and then uh

yeah yeah they suck um uh-huh but uh i also uh i mean i paid 200 bucks to get over here so that's kind of like the the big gift for her because 200 bucks so you got your round trip flight for 200 bucks yeah where did you book who do what airline is this american american oh yeah 200 round trip from l A to Austin

incredible.

Look at that.

Oh, yeah.

It's probably the worst flight I have ever experienced.

Why?

Oh, no.

Well, you see, whenever there's turbulence, sometimes people don't really understand what that means.

What does it mean to you, Zach?

Well, because whenever I'm on a flight, I'm just picturing, I'm going to die when I'm on the flight.

Just in my head, I kind of like view like the, if the plane's going to crash, I don't know it's going to crash, so I just assume that it's going to happen.

Right.

So anything that happens, I'm just ready, I'm ready to die.

Like, you know, I don't, like, I don't have.

Keep going, yeah.

I have.

I have a lot of regrets, but I mean, when you die, you die.

You don't really, no one's going to tell you when it's going to happen, so it's going to happen what it happens so have you ever died

there was one time I thought I was gonna die but you haven't died no I haven't died not yet shut the fuck up all right yeah

exactly all these fears for absolutely nothing like tell us something you know about guy yeah have you really come close to dying at any point turbulence has zero a zero negative effects on a flight it's a natural thing and doesn't it doesn't mean fucking anything it doesn't know your risk of dying is the exact same as when the flight is completely smooth I know this because as some of you know I am a professional pilot Yeah, I'm also a Canadian doctor very good perfect timing on that it's actually a good thing right like when you when you feel the plane go up like that that means that you've got lift or thrust under the wings that's the first law of aerodynamics dairy queen liquor yeah

it is true it is absolutely true what are you into you can't possibly want to be a tour guide for your entire life So,

what are your main goals here?

Well, my main goal is to be a comedian, believe it or not.

But, you know,

I used to be really fat, like I said, so I also want to own my own gym someday.

Do that.

And outside of that,

I ain't got no ambitions.

You have a chance

at owning your own gym someday.

I would pull all efforts into that.

How fat were you, my guy?

Like, how fat?

300 pounds.

300?

Yeah.

300.

Wow.

What was the fattest part?

The arse, the legs, the chest.

Did you have a gut?

Like, talk to me.

Describe it.

Not for me.

For that guy there.

Yeah.

Probably like the whole belt right here.

Like you have those stretch marks over my stomach.

Like I still got

like the stretchy skin right here.

I got my whole arms or all the shit.

Can we see it?

I love stretchy skin.

Yeah, let's see that fucking.

Oh shit.

I do see.

Oh,

oh my god.

Fucking absolutely.

Can we see the belly meat?

I love the stretchy belly meat.

It's not as stretchy, man.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh,

that's

not, yeah.

That's why I show my arms.

That wasn't bad at all.

No.

That was probably what you felt on the airplane, your own stomach slapping you in the face.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was blurbulence.

That's what you.

Did you just come up with an invent a new word?

Yeah.

Blurbulence.

Blurbulence.

Did you use it in a sentence?

The fat man on my plane was affected by massive amounts of blurbulence.

That is correct.

That is correct.

So Zeth,

have you ever met anybody else named Zeth with a Z?

You have?

Yeah, my high school,

I went to high school with somebody named Zeth, yes.

And his brother's names were Zach and Zane.

My brother's names are Zach and Zane.

Yeah.

Wow.

A bunch of children of the corn over here, Harley.

Very scary.

Children of the popcorn, apparently.

Yeah.

How scared are you on a scale of one to ten?

Were you scared of that turbulence on the plane?

Be honest.

Don't be afraid to to look like a you know, a scaredy guy, like on a scale of one to ten.

Don't be afraid to look like a big, tall pussy.

Yeah,

I mean,

every time I fly, just about uh

felt like I was gonna shit my pants on that plane.

So, a tan?

Yeah, I'd probably say a ten.

Yeah, can I do something for you?

What's that?

Does that turn you on?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm bricked up right now, man.

Wow.

What are you into, Zeth?

Do you have a girlfriend?

You're 6'5, according to you?

I don't.

Hey, according to my doctors, too, okay?

Really?

Yoni?

Let's get a tape measure out here.

I'm seeing 6'4 all day.

Is anybody else thinking 6'4?

This sounds like a 6'4 guy that's trying to add another inch.

Well, I'm 6'0.

This guy's saying 6'3 and a half right here.

I'm hearing it.

Do we have anybody?

How many?

Make some noise if you think he's 6'5

Literally, nobody.

Zeth, pop off one of your shoes.

Pop off one of my shoes.

Yeah, we're doing it shoeless, buddy.

Stand on that left foot.

There you go.

Here we go.

Uh-oh.

Face the audience.

Yep.

I love how Yoni always makes him turn around.

That way.

All right.

You're bending it a little bit, Yoni, just to let you know.

Okay, that's perfect.

Right there.

Yep.

Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well.

6-4!

Take it from me.

I'm 5'10.

Dude, you really know your guys.

That's right.

That's right.

No doubt about it.

I know my guys.

That's why I know you're 6'2.

Zeth, tell us the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here.

Well, recently I was in Burbank, and you know how that intense...

It's pretty intense over there, I guess, but

not really, but it's pretty what over there?

Intense.

In what way?

You live in a tent?

Yeah, I do, actually.

In what way is it intense?

Well, generally it's not, but like I went over there once, I was over there at like 11 p.m at night and uh oh oh yeah

you sure it wasn't 10 30

hey i mean i got sir if you could sit the fuck down oh that's a waitress go ahead

and this guy go ahead night stalker finish

i mean

this guy pulled up in his car and he asked me to come over to it like he said hey come over to my car so i you know i came over to his car and he he showed me this like this

he showed me on his phone.

This, like, he said, my girlfriend's been kidnapped, and he's scrolling through, like, the sex crafting website she was on, and then he showed me like a pit bull in his passenger seat.

He's telling me, like, his family's been, like, replaced with clones, and that his landlord's replaced.

He said the Armenian and Russian mafia are after him.

His hand was bleeding.

I was just, and the whole time, I'm just trying not to

laugh because I feel like if I did, he was going to kill me.

But it was probably like the...

Because he was, what, seven foot three?

Yeah, he was.

they're seven foot four actually, but yeah you know he's one of Uncle Laser's writers, right?

Like this is just a continuation of the last story.

What the fuck is Uncle Laser's dude?

Seth, I'm gonna tell you what.

I was gonna give you a medium-sized jokebook, but since you lied about your height by an inch, we're gonna go one inch smaller, and I'm gonna give you a little joke book.

Thank you.

Your first bucket pull of the night is Zeth Burton, everybody.

Thank you, guys.

Fun stuff, Seth.

There he goes.

Sign up again some other time.

Maybe, perhaps your mother's next birthday.

You can come back and sign up.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

All right, we're gonna meet another one all together, ladies and gentlemen.

Could be the next superstar of the show.

Who knows?

Make some noise for Ian Simon.

Here we go.

How you guys doing?

Everybody good?

Fantastic.

Fantastic.

Oh, this is fucking amazing.

I got to take a piss so bad.

I just forgot to share it with you guys.

Didn't have time.

So I was thinking,

do you think Muslims ever say Allah is the bomb?

I was just thinking about random shit all the damn time.

I was thinking like the best place to pick up women is probably planned parenthood.

Because you know they you know they there's a good chance they put out and you know if things don't go well

Just a suggestion.

Let's see.

You know what fucking sucks?

I've been wearing hats my whole life, okay?

Because I didn't want this cul-de-sac fucking thing.

I don't mind it going bald, but why isn't it just all bald, okay?

Why the fuck is it just doesn't make any sense.

You get the cul-de-sac, and then what is this?

Anybody else bald out there?

Don't lie to me.

There's lights.

I can see you.

It gleams.

Anyway, this thing, this fucking island.

Why is there a fucking island?

Oh.

Wow.

I'm going to stop you right there, Ian.

Holy shit.

My God.

Hi, Ian.

How are you?

Tony.

Hello.

Fuck, this is crazy.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

The band.

Okay.

Hi, Ian.

Over here, buddy.

Over here, Ian.

I had a pair of those.

Oh, boy, Ian.

Hi, pal.

How are you, buddy?

I'm fucking amazing.

Welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Ian?

In total, probably two years, a year and a half, two years.

Okay, where at?

Here, here.

I moved here,

let's see, about four or five years ago to do fucking comedy.

And the first time I did it was out here.

When you moved here four or five years ago to start doing it, what took you two or three years to start?

So I did it right away when I came out.

And I did it and kept doing it.

And then things in life happened.

What in life happened?

My dad fucking died.

Okay.

How did he die?

Diseases.

How many?

Yeah, how many diseases?

Several.

Oh, they were, so they were the ones that the

dad made it sound like a fun pack, by the way.

Oh, no, it fucking sucks, dude.

I love my dad.

We're really close.

He had a great sense of humor.

He did.

Yeah, he did.

I don't know.

This is bullshit.

But like, you know, growing up, Abbott and Costello and

that type of stuff.

Yeah.

Okay.

And what do you fucking laughing at?

What do you do for work, Ian, Simon what's that sir Jesus Christ you know what I thought of when I first looked at him I you know if I gotta be don't take this the wrong way guy but when you first walked out I thought I've always wondered what it looked like if Shrek was peeled

fucking wow yeah

and that's a compliment guy thank you

onions and onions have layers and odors have layers.

That's right, my guy.

Ian Simon, what do you do for work?

That's a good fucking question, Tony.

So

I've been on, I was on disability for 20 years.

What was the disability?

Well, I've had okay, we'll get personal here.

Fuck it.

I've had surgery on both feet, three knee surgeries, twice on the left rotator.

What happened?

Up to 13 fucking hernias, dude.

What happened to your feet and knees?

Adrenaline.

What happened?

Adrenaline junkie just through the the years of...

So what were you doing?

Oh, shit.

Ian.

I like to go fast.

I was a passenger in a lot of them.

Mine were mainly with inanimate objects.

About 13, don't count anything under 50 miles an hour.

It's quite impressive.

I'm retarded.

Is that a jewel underneath your eye?

Is that a piercing of some kind?

There's a piece of jewelry there.

It's a dermal.

It's a what?

A dermal.

What does that mean?

It means that they go into your face with a little screwdriver that's got a round razor on it.

Okay, let me ask you this, Ian Simon.

I'm gonna ask you another question so you talking doesn't have to happen.

I noticed during your set, there was a part because I pay a little bit of attention.

I noticed a part where you were performing and you kind of went like that a little bit, right?

Yeah, maybe.

Were you pushing one of your teeth into your gum line?

At least 16.

What that's a different answer to a different number.

Do you even know what I just asked you?

Yeah, something about teeth.

Yeah.

So 16 what?

That was just a random number.

Okie-dokie, Ian Simon, everybody.

There he goes.

You shouldn't be out in public anymore, Ian.

I think we got a winner here.

You win the silver crutch, my guy.

Take that home.

You won the silver crutch.

Absolutely.

You just handed a person a weapon on this stage, Harlan.

There he goes.

And this is the guy with all the feet surgery.

There he goes.

Ian Simon, everybody.

There he goes.

There you go, buddy.

There he goes.

There you go.

Bye-bye, Ian.

There you go, buddy.

You're gonna need it for those feet and legs.

Okay.

That was perfect.

It was a perfect time.

There he goes, Ian Simon, everybody.

It's an Austin police officer I just saw when the curtain opened.

Pretty sure he's just gonna get arrested now, everybody.

This is a real life show.

Anything can happen.

I feel sorry for that crutch, I gotta tell you.

Well.

Anything can happen here believe it or not that guy's been doing it for two years

Okay, make some noise for your next comedian

Lucas

Lucas Hinderleiter Lucas Hinderlighter This is kill time.

Oh Wow, thank you guys My name's Lucas.

I just moved to Austin recently.

I've been dating a little bit since I got out here.

Most recently, I was in a relationship with a non-binary person.

Yeah, someone who identifies as they, them.

And it was cool.

You know, we had a good relationship.

I will say the hardest part about dating a they, them is we would get into arguments, and I didn't know if I could hit them.

You know?

Yeah, like, tell me which one you are.

Are you a boy or a girl?

You know?

Can I hit you?

Or can we have a beer and watch the football game?

What are we?

What are we doing?

Thank you guys.

A little bit about my name's Lucas Hinderleiter.

People often, when they hear my name, they'll say things like, oh, Hinderleiter, that's a pretty German name.

That sounds like a Nazis name.

Yeah, and that's when I tell them it was actually

my grandpa.

All right.

I'm going to stop.

There's the bear.

There you go.

You got it.

Welcome to the show, Lucas Hinderleiter.

I'm happy to say you are the fourth comedian that went on stage today and the first one to do a joke.

Congratulations.

It's a shocking episode.

If there was a reverse silver crutch to give out, he would get it right now.

Well, I love that they didn't react to the molestation joke, but they really warmed up to the domestic violence.

Yeah.

This is a crowd that likes to see someone get what they deserve.

By the way, were you shrimping earlier today?

What's going on here?

You do have a look.

You have a look like you were on a boat with a purpose.

Were you on a boat today no this is how you dress normally for land no

no this hat's new i put this hat on today i thought this is a good look where'd you get the hat from uh gas station yep i had a feeling yeah it's got gas station energy yeah i thought it was black turns out it's green okay yeah it looks green how about the shirt what are you wearing what are you what who are you wearing uh this is george from walmart wow incredible more like bi curious george from walmart Yeah, take a sip for that victorious joke.

Guest of the year.

Okay, Lucas Hinderleiter.

So welcome.

Is your grandpa really a Nazi?

No, he fought in Vietnam.

Oh, okay, perfect.

For the Americans.

Yeah, made all the Jews he killed really confusing.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I mean, Vietnamese, Jews, both good at hiding, both good at math.

They have a lot in common.

Okie dokie.

Lucas, how long you been doing stand-up?

About nine years.

Nine years.

Where at?

Nine.

There you go.

Red band.

Red band.

Where's your sound effect, Red Band?

You did it, buddy.

That's a big one for you.

That's a big one for my little boy, isn't it?

Where's it at?

Where's it at, buddy?

You know where your sound effects are.

Repam

with a 999.

German reference.

Yeah, I started in St.

Louis.

St.

Louis.

How long have you been in Austin?

Like a year.

Okay.

What do you love about Austin, Texas?

I don't really, man.

I don't really like this one.

Wow, you miss St.

Louis?

Well, I lived in New York before I moved.

New York City.

Yeah.

And you prefer New York City?

I like it.

What do you like about it?

I like the energy, man.

I don't know.

I like, you know, you wake up, there's people walking around, makes you want to get out of bed.

You live out in the country here or something?

You don't see people walking around?

No, I live pretty north, though.

It's not.

You ever thought about moving downtown where people are walking around with energy?

No.

Well, you should, because we got that too.

Okay.

You don't have to step over migrants to do it.

I like that part.

Yeah, that's like you like the migrants.

That's my favorite part.

You would.

You're a hinder-lighter.

Yeah.

You believe in superiority.

Yeah.

I step on them.

Wow.

How do you say it with like a German accent in your last name?

I don't know, dude.

I don't fucking...

I'm not German.

Red Band's German.

He's Hinder Lighter.

He's Hinder heavier.

You got you.

Where's mine at?

Like you can't you don't say around that like your grandparents don't say dases sin duleitza like something like that

does that sound familiar guy?

Dases Schinduleita.

No, my grandmother was British.

Okay, so that's funny.

She said things.

Yeah, she said things funny.

Yeah.

Dude, do you know what you are?

At this point, you're like fucking International House of Pancakes.

Like, where?

What are you?

British, German.

You're red-headed, too.

It's interesting.

You look Irish.

You're wearing green.

You got red hair.

You're like a little Christmas guy.

You're like the world's biggest elf.

I get Irish a lot, yeah.

I also get people telling me I'm not redheaded.

People tell me I'm blonde.

I don't know.

Wow.

You know your hat's black, right?

What do you do for work, hinderlighter?

I sell motorcycles.

I'm a motorcycle salesman.

I sold your producer a motorcycle.

Really?

Yoni?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I sold him his motorcycle.

He did.

He got a secret motorcycle without telling me.

I don't like my people close to me on motorcycles.

It's very unsafe.

I don't trust the other drivers.

So I found out that he got a secret motorcycle one day.

That's one of the two things.

He lives a secret double life when I'm not around.

One thing he does is he has a motorcycle.

The other thing is he has wacky Martin Scorsese glasses that he wears.

Big producer glasses that he only wears when he thinks that he's not going to run into me that night.

Yeah, isn't that funny?

And every once in a while, I'll give him a rare night off and we'll just randomly run into each other and there he is with these big fucking Robert De Niro in his fucking prime glasses.

These obnoxious, magnified, just big square.

Uh, and I'm positive.

He goes from bar to bar going, well, I'm the executive producer of Kill Tony.

Oh, you can tell by my fucking blocked up glasses.

I should get on my motorcycle now.

I purchased from Hinderleiter.

Yeah, that's what I want to see.

I want to be walking down the sidewalk and see Elton John burning ants.

When I sold him that bike, he told me not to tell you.

He told me not to bring it up.

He was very like...

Really?

Yeah, he was...

Because I told him I was a comic and I sign up and he was like, if you get on, don't bring this up.

What kind of bike did you sell him?

A Harley?

A BMW.

He's fancy.

He's fucking...

He went big.

I care about the people close to me.

And while Yoni is a very qualified motorcycle rider, driver,

I don't like him being out there.

I don't like Jews on BMWs.

And I don't like Jews on motorcycles.

Say Boston drivers, man.

What about a Jew on an Indian?

Well, you know what I call that.

What?

Dinner?

Yeah.

That's called the old two-for-one.

Okay.

Free red chicken.

Put the fucking mic down.

Lucas Hinderleiter, what do you do for fun?

What are some hobbies of yours?

You must have some interest.

Some collections or something?

No, I...

Speak vikly, Levinderleiter.

I mostly just ride motorcycles.

You ever hit an animal like you're riding?

Yeah.

What did you hit?

I hit a deer like two years ago.

You hit a deer on a motorcycle?

Yeah.

What happened, guy?

There's the sound of the deer for the yeah, I was going like 45.

I broke all my ribs on this side.

Wow.

I don't care about you.

What did you do to the deer?

Yeah.

Dude, I split that motherfucker in half.

And so

my dad had a couple drinks.

He rode up next to me.

He said, I can't stop.

I'm going to get a DUI.

And he kept riding.

Right.

So now I'm laying next to this.

I'm laying next to the deer.

We're both dying.

What?

And we're just watching each other take our last breath.

Damn.

Welcome to another episode of White Trash Bambi.

This is incredible.

Dude, was it at night?

Yeah.

You dummy.

You would have been able to have seen the deer and he would have been able to see you if you were just holding up Zavindelite.

I hope I get hit by a moose tonight after that joke.

So let me ask you something, Lucas.

Are you good at what you do?

You good at selling motorcycles?

You know what we're gonna do here?

We're gonna have you sell me a motorcycle.

Me, a guy who thinks that they are generally unsafe.

Meanwhile, I'll fly an airplane with double engine failure because I don't have to worry about other people getting in my fucking way.

So now, you sell me a motorcycle.

Lighting and action.

How are you doing today, sir?

I'm good.

I really don't want to be here.

I'm just killing time while my boyfriend buys a motorcycle.

So your boyfriend rides?

He rides, all right.

More of a nighttime rider after a couple drinks, and then he lays by his deer.

That's me.

I'm the gay deer.

Okay.

So are you looking you're looking to ride with him?

Well, you know, we were thinking about getting me a little sidecart, but

I kind of think I want to ride solo a little bit, go out on some joyrides at night, separate from the pack, from the

pack of men.

So you're looking to cruise.

You're not looking to go fast?

Yeah, I'm a cruiser.

Cruiser?

Okay.

All right.

What should I get?

Harley, for sure.

Yeah, that's what all the gay guys get.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, for sure.

A little sportster?

Yeah.

A little sportster.

A little sportster.

What kind should I get, you think?

Tony, for you, realistically,

I'm talking real, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Yeah.

I think you need...

265.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

You need a Rebel 500.

That's what you need.

Look it up.

Okay.

Why?

Okay.

It's a clamping number.

Right, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

All right.

Why a rebel 500?

I don't know, it's kind of a just a bland normal like nothing special about it bike

What the it's like, you know, it's every girl starter bike

You know what

I'll take two

One for me and one for the guest of the year, Harlan Williams

Well, if it's a girls bike, just give me a Rebel Wilson 500.

How about that?

There you go.

Lucas Hinderlighter.

Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go?

Switch back to normal lights.

The motorcycle parts over, I think.

No, happy to be here.

You did good.

You did damn good, Lucas.

Sign up again.

Here's the big joke book.

We'd love to have you.

Very funny interview.

Funny stuff.

Lucas Hinderlighter has arrived to the Kiltoni universe.

Not bad.

Are you really going to get a bike, bro?

No?

I used to ride a Honda Shadow around.

Really?

Yeah.

What's that like?

Oh, it's like a chopper bike.

Oh, the shadow.

Road around Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Huh.

There's shadows everywhere.

Wow.

I had a shadow once, and then I...

I hired him as the bass player in the band.

Steve Magnez.

He goes great with Russell Brand, by the way, I gotta tell you.

Yeehoo!

Good night, itchy eyes.

Good night, sudden sneeze.

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It provides powerful relief while you rest your head.

Not just all night, but all the next day.

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All right, we're flying through the bucket tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Phil Smith.

Let's go.

Let's see.

We have jokes back to back here.

Phil Smith.

You guys having fun at Kill Tony so far?

Let him hear it.

All right, so my girlfriend's dad's dead.

Fine, don't clap.

No, he died like before I met her, and recently she told me, I think my father sent you to me.

And I said, babe.

I had no idea you were schizophrenic.

Which, I'll admit, isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend, but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is?

Yeah, he did.

I was wondering what that energy was.

It was your dead father sending me to you.

I am your gift.

And then just like proceed to use that in our relationship.

Like, hang on, he's coming through.

He's saying, I'm right and you're wrong?

Oh, you'd think your dad would have your back.

Hold on, he's coming through again.

I'm getting something.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, I don't know why your dad's saying this.

He's saying we should invite another woman into the bedroom?

Thank you, guys.

I've been Phil Smith.

Okay, Phil Smith.

All right, Phil, welcome.

Keep it.

Where are you from, Phil?

Rochester, New York.

Oh, God.

Jesus Christ.

Upstate New York, the absolute worst.

How long have you been out of there?

Since December.

Congratulations.

It's your first time being outside of Rochester?

First time living outside of Rochester.

Wow.

Incredible.

Congratulations.

How old are you?

I'm 28.

And what did you put your finger up there for for a second?

You had like a hold on a second finger that you put up that I was completely ignored because I'm the host.

Go ahead.

Hold it right there.

Yeah, I got something for you.

Whenever you're ready, just do whatever you are.

I just didn't know if you knew this.

A certain one of your producers is also from Rochester.

I absolutely do.

I do know that.

And I just found out he's out there buying motorcycles, the fucking guy.

Secret motorcycles with special big glasses on

oh you you like him all right the rochester connection me and yoni i know absolutely you've talked with yoni about this before never talked to him in my life but you just know he's from rochester um we know we know

we know we know we know yeah there's like it's a smaller city and they're like If you tell someone you're from Rochester, they're like, you know who else is?

Three other people.

Yeah, and Yoni's one of those people.

Wow.

Just think after the inevitable motorcycle accident, he'll no longer be on that list.

Thin in the pack.

Absolutely.

What do you do for work?

Right now it's weird.

I came here with like five grand.

Are you a wizard?

What do you mean it's weird?

I came here from Hogwarts and came here with five grand and smoked it, went blew through it immediately.

Yeah.

My plan was to do like Instacart.

A car car broke down very shortly after wow and i got hired at the vulcan former venue of killtony

and um

don't get scheduled there too much right so i did the natural thing anybody would do i just started playing poker full-time oh wow

and uh i was able to pay my rent up until now just playing poker Where do you play online or

real life?

Well, one of the reasons I was excited to move here is because I've always played poker, and Austin, Texas also happens to have the best card room in the country it is true in fact yes without a doubt and the best heads-up uh poker player in the world doug poke doug poke you know this guy i met him here well i didn't know him at all and then one night after the taping of this show um

uh

People kept coming up to me going, do you know who the fuck's here?

Doug Polk's here.

Doug Polk is here.

And I'm like, who the fuck is a Doug Polk?

What's a Doug Polk?

But all fucking night, I swear to God, god 15 20 people i'm like jesus christ so by the time like one 130 comes around finally here's this guy doug poke i'm doug poke bye bye nice to meet you

i'm the best heads-up poker player in the world that's what everybody kept saying and i was already drunk at that point and i go i'm good at poker i'll fucking play you heads up

and he goes and we go okay so we bet um the bet was if he wins because he wanted to do a minute on this show if he wins he gets to do a minute on this show if i win he gives me twenty $20,000.

So there we are at Mitzi's after an episode, and we play heads-up poker, me and the best in the world.

20 minutes later, guess who won $20,000 fucking dollars?

Me.

Thank you.

Come on.

For real?

And at that point, since it had only been 20 minutes, but I was kind of warmed up, I go, I'll tell you what, even though I won, let's go double or nothing.

Let's go $40,000

versus

a minute of stand-up comedy.

And so I won $20,000.

We doubled the bet to $40,000.

Whoa, dude.

And he's going to be any day now, he's going to be popping in on the show.

So,

yeah,

he won.

He won that second game.

So be on the lookout for the best heads up.

It was so much fun.

No, it's not stupid.

Well, silly.

Yeah, silly's fun.

Was he hot at least?

Oh, red man.

God, you need to really give up on the carbs or drinking or something.

He has a bet right now.

He has a bet right now for like a quarter million dollars that he has to get down to like 2% body fat.

I don't know anything about that, but I'll tell you this: we had a hell of a good old time playing poker, and I can't believe that you're able to make a living doing it.

Well, I was.

I've paid my rent up until now, and in the past few weeks had like a $4,000 downswing.

So

all in all, in Austin, I am currently up $1,200.

How are you going to pay rent at the end of this month?

I mean, I got to hope I can make this $1,200 work.

How much is rent?

$1,000.

Okay.

But I'm going to have to play more poker.

I mean, I can't just.

Right.

I can't just pay the $1,000, have $200.

I have to buy in for $1,200, turn it into like $3,600, and then I go, oh, I'm chilling.

And then maybe lose that in between.

Right.

It's a whole thing.

So when you're playing poker, you're really, your heart's beating out of your chest because it's life or death.

I purposely talk about the fact, like, I need this.

And then people are like, then he's not bluffing.

Right.

Like, he, he, he,

it's rent money.

Do you know how do you have a backup skill?

Like, do you know how to do anything else?

Like, yeah.

Like, do you know how to bag fucking groceries?

Yeah.

I'm a

I've got out a drive-through window.

I mean, you got anything else, my guy?

I delivered pizzas for 10 years.

I'm pretty good at that.

What do I do?

Okay.

That was

I'll give you $2,000 if you kill a guy holding a single silver crutch outside in Austin, Texas.

Done.

Should be easy to spot.

It should be.

He's not using it.

He's just holding it.

He's carrying it around, and he's probably being followed by police officers down the street, so it should be easy to find.

I hope I get to him before they do.

That's right.

Need that two grand.

Phil, anything else crazy we should know about you?

Do you really have a girlfriend?

Your opening joke was about your girlfriend's dead dad or something?

Yeah, I do.

Do you really have a girl?

I really have a girl.

What's going on with her, Brosephiosh?

Yeah.

I can get into this.

Dish the dirt.

Yeah, let's do it.

She's a new girlfriend.

I met her at Creek in the Cave.

We were there for a Banana Phone.

Creek in the Cave.

I do want to let you guys know there's a free show every Sunday called Banana Phone.

If you're in town for Killing.

Let's not go.

Let's go.

Come on.

I was there for that, and I met her, and I thought she was really hot.

She is really hot.

She's way out of my league.

And

we just started small talking.

It was going great.

I bought her a drink, and it got to the point where we sat, watched the show.

I walked her to her car, and she goes, just so you know, I'm married.

Okay, and then what?

And then I was like, all right, well,

I'm totally mature enough to be in a platonic relationship with a woman who's married.

You're in a platonic relationship?

No, no, no, that's what I thought at the time.

Platonic.

Yeah.

That's the right word?

No, that's when an earthquake happens.

What's

the word for

platonic?

Platonic.

Yeah, so like, I thought we could catch an earthquake together or something.

Yeah.

Platonic.

All right,

I'll speed it up a little bit.

No, you're doing good.

She's going.

She was going to like mics by herself and stuff.

Her husband didn't support her doing comedy.

Wasn't a fan of you either.

He didn't let her watch Kill Tony.

He didn't let her watch Kill Tony?

That's just what I heard.

I don't need to give this guy more of a reason to murder me.

So we're not going to talk too much about him.

No, keep going.

This is great.

So I'm going to Mike's with her as a friend, as a platonic friend.

And I'm really like in my head, like, damn, I've matured so much.

She's so hot, and I can just be her friend.

And

we're going to all the mics, we're going to all the mics, and

eventually she just ghosts me.

And I'm like, oh, did I weird her out or something?

And so I texted her, didn't get a text back, and then a few days goes by, and I'm like, I'll send her one more.

And she says, I was like, hey, did you like quit comedy or something?

And she says,

no, I'm going through some personal stuff.

Turns out the personal stuff was she told her husband that she has feelings for me and then they started started the divorce process.

Wow.

Incredible.

There he is.

There he is right there.

I have a few more questions now that we got a good

real story out of you.

Yeah.

One is,

when did you start hooking up with her?

Was it before she started having feelings for you and this whole thing?

Again, real mature of me.

I waited because we're in Texas, so you really can't find me.

Well, mature of you.

Was there a chance, you think, for you to make a real move there?

Did she?

Not really so like everybody's like telling me the same thing like well if she left her husband to be with what do you think she's gonna do but as soon as she realized she had feelings for me she stopped talking to me worked it out with him and then filed for divorce and then we didn't hook up until it was finalized wow You didn't hook up till it was finalized?

Like the paperwork?

Till it was if you in Texas, if I was to, like, she could go to jail.

Really?

Before it's final.

Yeah.

It's adultery, even if you have filed for divorce.

I'm not getting married.

You don't have to worry about that, Redman.

So,

like a walking soap opera guy.

Yeah.

It's incredible.

Gambling, wild women in the parking lot.

What else is going on there, Relish Master?

You play poker, you play tonic.

This is incredible.

It's a wild wild story.

Everything else is pretty chill, honestly.

I mean, I think I told you the bulk of my stress and craziness.

So this guy didn't let her watch Kill Tony.

Do you know why he didn't let her watch Kill Tony?

That's such a random, fucking weird thing.

Again, he's going to see this, and he's probably going to hunt me down and kill me, but I do know

it was like around one of your first cancellations.

This is secondhand information, so I'm sure if you're watching this, hearsay.

But

he was like, after Tony said that Asian stuff, you're going to still watch that show?

Oh, yeah.

He's a f ⁇ ing.

Incredible.

I actually think he's really cool.

Phil Smith, a great performance, a great interview.

Here's the big joke book, my friend.

Congratulations.

Phil Smith, everybody.

Wow.

How fun, huh?

And what's great is that's his last performance ever.

Yeah.

It's gonna be Kill Phil.

Yeah.

Does that hurt your feelings that someone like wouldn't watch you because of you?

If those are the people that aren't watching because of some because the news told them that I'm a racist, those Those are the people I don't want watching.

Yeah.

So it works out perfectly.

I ended up with the exact fan base that I wanted to.

People

that

focus on what's in front of them, not what they're being told by others.

Or else I'd be a Nazi.

That's what they called me.

They said I performed at a Nazi rally.

And then I'm against Latinos, even though these are the four most expensive fucking dates you can imagine.

Every goddamn Monday.

Had a Zoom call with Carlos Sosa today.

He's telling me how much he was getting paid on the Kelly Clarkson show.

This fucking guy.

Look at him.

Yeah, Kelly fucking Clarkson.

Goddamn ABC network I'm competing against.

Like, well, Kelly Clarkson was giving me.

No, I'm kidding.

Look at him.

Look at him over there.

Look at him.

He's about to play the flute.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for one of our absolutely great esteemed regulars.

I present to you a young man who is absolutely living everyone's dreams.

You name it.

New Netflix deal.

New this, new that.

We'll probably find find out all about it real soon.

This is a brand new minute from one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

This is Cam Patterson.

Hell, what's up, man?

I'm proud of myself, dog.

I got a girlfriend now who've been for eight months.

And for the first time, two days ago, I made that bitch come.

I'm proud of myself.

Yeah.

Yeah, nigga.

Yeah, eight months, no comes, nigga, nothing.

We were fucking.

I go, baby, did you come?

And she would go, no.

And I would go, damn, good night every time.

Two bad bitch.

Good night every single time.

But this night was different.

It was different.

Well, kind of the same.

We took mushrooms.

I fucked her.

She didn't come.

I said, did you come?

She wouldn't know.

I said, damn, went to sleep, right?

Only thing that was different was earlier that day, my girlfriend has a roommate.

And her roommate brought this dude over, like a lame-ass white dude.

He was a real porn dexter.

He was a bitch, like a real fuck nigga.

You understand?

And I met him him and he was like, how you doing good to me?

So what's up, pussy, right?

He was a bitch.

So you talked to bitches.

What's up, pussy?

How you doing, brother?

And I went back in the room, right?

And then the night came.

And when I was trying to go to sleep off the mushrooms, that the fucking mileted, peacefully, I just heard from the other room this lame ass nigga fucking the shit out of her roommate.

It was just like, wah, wah!

The whole, ah, wah!

He's in there hurting her.

Oh my God, what's going on?

And then, right, when I started to think about it, the mushrooms kicked in.

And my brain just went, you gonna let that white boy out fuck you, nigga?

And I felt my ancestors grab my back.

It was Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and Third Girl Marshall.

And I put my shoes off of trash and I made that bitch come, nigga.

I'll make campout that guy.

Fuck you.

Can I ask you a question right out of the gate?

Those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time?

God.

Yeah, they weren't fucking there playing women's tennis.

Cam Patterson has

done it again.

It was her first come.

First come.

First come.

Wow.

What did you have to do to do that?

What did you do differently?

Do with the mushrooms.

Yeah, but like, do you remember?

Like, was there some type of thrusting motion?

They said it.

It was the mushroom.

No, no, no, nigga, wait a minute.

I had to put shoes on for traction.

You put shoes on.

Yeah, nigga,

butt-ass naked, foam posits on, nigga.

So you were wearing exclusively only shoes.

Only shoes.

Socks and shoes, but only shoes.

Wow.

Butt-ass naked, only shoes on.

And I was going as hard as I could.

I want to figure it out.

Fuck.

And he was going hard over there.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was going crazy over there.

You can make it go even further if you wear golf shoes, buddy.

Okay.

Yeah, you can.

That's going to do it.

They got the spikes in them, my guy.

Yeah, you can really get in.

I never knew this.

This is good to know.

White people's shit.

Hell yeah.

Gulf shoes.

Just make sure it's not a water bed you're on.

Okay.

Or else we know you can't swim.

Because that would be a mess.

That is quite the mess.

So she told you that she had never come before.

I always ask her.

She always says no.

You always ask.

I always ask.

Did you come?

And she'd be like, no, I'd be like, damn, too bad, bitch.

I don't really care, but I would like to know.

You feel what I'm saying?

Don't bother me.

I already won.

I'm happy.

I'm having a good time.

Give a fuck about what she got going on over there.

You're right.

You were ready to go to sleep.

Night, night time, brother.

You feel what I'm saying?

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

There it goes.

Hell yeah.

I don't want to be too nosy, but have you ever come?

Mosh.

Every time.

100.

I got to ask what's that sound like.

It's a lot of that.

Yeah.

It's just a lot of cross-eyed energies.

Oh, there's a little noise there.

Yeah, yeah.

My head down.

It's a lot of that.

somebody called the police.

They heard that.

Someone called the police.

Someone called the police.

Hey, who are these niggas, man?

I go for two weeks.

Who are these lame ass niggas?

Who are these?

Fuck going on.

They're not lame.

They're cool.

I mean, that guy's cool.

That guy lame as fuck, man.

What are you talking about?

This guy cool as shit.

That guy's lame as hell, man.

Hey, cool, but who the fuck is that guy, man?

Hey, you be nice to Russell Brown.

Relax.

Who the fuck is that, man?

What does he sound like when he comes?

He probably sounds like a smooth jazz player.

He probably sounds cool as shit.

Oh, the piano player?

Yeah.

No doubt about it.

Yeah.

It's like, yeah.

There you go, baby.

Hell yeah.

You came, I came.

Good night.

We all came.

He probably say nigga when he comes too.

Yeah.

He cool enough, though.

I came, nigga.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

Do you come fast, like normally?

Like how long do you come?

Wait a minute, Red Man.

What the fuck we got going on, man?

So stupid.

Every once in a while, he takes the word co-host to heart and tries to ask his own question.

People come faster.

Who said that?

Who told you that?

Nobody.

Nobody.

He just says stuff randomly.

What the fuck was that, Red Man?

We was all having to do this.

He was like, do you come quick, nigga?

How fast do you come, Cam?

I got questions about this shit.

Yep.

It is an interesting question, my band.

Very interesting.

So, Cam, what else is going on in life?

Shit, I like, man.

I've been running around doing shit.

I'm acting now.

I'll be acting and shit, man.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

You're going to act.

I think I can tell him what the big one is.

Okay, we're not going to tell him about the big one yet.

But yeah, I'm in some shit.

It's weird.

It's weird being like around real actors because I don't act.

I'm me.

You feel me?

When I went to my audition, I remember it was a nigga in there, and I asked him, I said, hey, man,

how you got started acting?

He was like, you know, I was in the Lion King when I was eight.

i was simple i was like damn at school he was like nah broadway i was like i shouldn't be here

i shouldn't be in this room at all dog this is diabolical but you know it's cool though i with it for example yeah can i ask you don't have to tell me what is but is it dramatic acting or comedy acting oh no i'm playing a retard but

well you don't really have to act to do that

Wait a minute, what the fuck you just said?

If you weren't a retard, you would have got it quicker.

No, I had to think about it, but fuck you, are you?

Think about that next time you come.

I pray to God I don't.

I'll be there to hold you, son.

I love it.

I'm just acting.

I'm just acting.

Dude, congratulations.

You like acting?

It's cool.

I fuck with it.

Hell yeah.

Did you think you would, you know, when you started your journey, you'd go into acting, or is that something that came way out of nowhere for you?

Came out of left field, but I fuck with it, though.

I think it's good.

It's cool.

I'm going to give you some advice because, like you said, you didn't see it coming.

Just jump in and take it, man.

Don't be afraid.

Just go for it.

Just like you do out here.

Just go for it, man.

You're going to be good.

Absolutely.

I'm good to love you.

Thank you for you.

And if you ever need to be inspired by another great actor, just think about the acting of your girlfriend when she told you that you made her come that one time.

No, she did.

I believe her.

I believe her that time.

I got her that time.

There's not a pair of Jordans in the world that are going to get you there, buddy.

Cam Patterson has done it again, everyone.

That is

yet another new minute from Cam Patterson.

And back to the bucket we go.

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Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool.

We're going to meet her all together.

It is Liv Taylor.

Liv Taylor.

What's up, Austin?

I am Liv.

I did just move to Austin.

On the contrary, I do not have two sisters named Laugh and Love.

Okay, that was stupid.

Sorry.

Yeah, I did just move to Austin.

My husband died last year, which is, you know, pretty unfortunate.

But men don't like to be told that women are better drivers.

So

as a woman, I've just proved my point.

Okay.

I did always tell him I was a better driver.

Unfortunately, it took for him to just take me a little too seriously.

I've pretty much lost everything that's in my head right now because there's a giant light shining in my face.

Anyways, I also have anxiety, so anytime that I masturbate, I immediately think of my dead mom.

Like, I know I'm shaming God, but like, grandma,

sorry.

My husband, though, he was a freak.

I like to say that he's now watching from his favorite point of view, which is from my asshole.

Great.

Love that.

Okay.

Liv Taylor.

I'm excited about this interview.

The set was fucking, you know what it was.

Yeah, I know.

You don't have to say that.

But this interview, I'm real excited about because I love when people die near people that are on on the show.

It gives us something to talk about.

We've done a lot of that tonight.

Like about five of our actors when somebody died

of us odds of us dying have gone up by the people that we pulled out of the bucket tonight.

Seems like they have a lot of death around them.

D-Madness is trying to leave right now

and which is very telling because they have a sixth sense, those people.

Wow.

And by those people, I mean the blacks, not blind people.

There he goes.

Did you notice when she said, I'm sorry, you said you, and by the way, I'm so sorry, but you said your grandmother died or your father?

Oh, my grandmother, everybody's dying.

Mom, everybody's dying.

Husband, grandma,

some guy in the back, when you said they died, some guy in the back just went, whoa, like he cheered.

He cheered for the husband dying.

Let's not, yeah.

Fuck that guy.

It doesn't really matter, Harlan.

He was trying to be funny, but he didn't have the courage to sign up for the show because he doesn't have a full minute.

Wow.

He thought that he had a moment there.

That's good.

He's a stupid pussy.

Okay, I was looking for an answer.

I got one.

So, Liv, amazing that your name is Liv, even though everyone around you dies.

Let's talk about it.

How did your husband die?

He flipped a struck.

He what?

He flipped his truck.

He flipped his truck.

Wow.

It's amazing the difference between flipping a house and flipping a truck, right?

One makes you money, the other ends your life.

So he flipped.

He didn't hit a deer, did he?

No, just his head real hard.

How did he flip his truck?

What happened there?

He was just trying to go off a ramp and was dumb.

Didn't do it right.

Going off a ramp.

Yeah, just like an exit.

Oh,

okay.

An exit.

It was like two in the morning, you know, all factors combined.

Was he drunk?

A little bit.

Okay, a little bit.

Yeah.

By a little bit over the legal limit?

Probably.

Probably.

You never asked.

I mean,

we parted ways that same night, so I would say.

You broke up with him that night?

No, he literally parted ways uh

whoa

we were sorry we were together that night literally went apart and then he what were you guys doing together that night we were at a strip club okay so you and him were at a strip club you and your husband yes did he lead first or did he left no we left together you left together he was parked one way i was parked the other we were driving separate cars driving separate cars were you behind him no you were in front of him no You guys went to

an argument that night.

Oh,

wow.

This is

very saucy very interesting amazing for a guy that's been pounding on the sound effect board all night we got nothing for flipping trucks and death

sometimes he gets a little daydreamy when we need him the most

uh

so

you guys are arguing what was the argument about at the strip club was he like looking at a girl too much i didn't want to spend the money at the strip club but i'm a good wife and so you were trying to save money yeah okay in this economy Yeah.

Okay.

So let's just stick with the questions here, Liv.

So you're trying to save money.

You guys get into an argument because he wants to stay at the strip club.

He wanted to go and I didn't want to go and I was like, fuck it, let's just go.

How did you not want to leave the strip club, but also not want to spend money?

Okay, when we were down, we were downtown.

I'm from Georgia.

We were downtown and he wanted to go to the strip club.

I didn't want to go.

We were moseying around until I just finally gave in.

I was like, fine, let's fucking go.

It's not even a strip strip club, it's a titty bar.

It's a sad excuse.

That part doesn't matter to the story.

So, when you guys, but then when you guys, when you get to the titty bar, all of a sudden you kind of want to stay there.

Yeah.

And he wanted to leave.

Yeah.

Interesting.

So, what was the last thing that you guys said to one another before he went and died?

Uh,

I'm gonna go to my truck, and I said, I'm gonna go party with these friends you just made.

You

went to go party with his friends.

I thought he was gonna follow with, but you know, I was wrong.

It's cool.

Wow.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Do you live with a bit of guilt from that, you think?

No, I did.

You did?

Yeah.

But you're over it now.

How long ago did this happen?

It'll be a year on the second of the year.

Wow.

You got over it real quick.

Okay.

Very cool.

I like it.

Do you have a boyfriend now?

Nope.

You're completely single?

I'm just trying to do comedy.

I moved out here just for this.

You moved here from Georgia just for this.

How long ago did you move here?

I just moved two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago.

Awesome.

Yeah.

There you go.

I think you're missing the biggest question.

Go right ahead.

I love it.

If you don't mind, no, I want to hear it.

It happens.

I think everyone's wondering.

Let's do it.

Why did you leave your hat in Cam's bedroom?

It's covered.

It looks like it's covered in cum.

100%.

I like to have fun, you know, whatever.

You like to have fun?

Okay.

I was just asking.

Back to you, guy.

Thank you.

What do you do for work, Liv?

I'm a vet tech.

You're a vet tech.

I'm a technical vet tech.

Okay.

And are you doing that here in Austin?

I have not found a job, but I will have to eventually.

So, yeah, I'll probably end up doing that.

How much money did you save?

Well, my money is dead mom money.

So

dead mom money, 22,000.

Not even close.

My mom did not expect to die.

Probably like just under 10 grand.

Oh, okay.

So you have a little time.

How much is your rent?

A good bit.

A ballpark.

It's like $1,800.

$1,800.

Do you live by yourself?

I do.

Okay.

So you have about six or seven months to get a job.

Stretch.

I'm frugal.

I know a gambler she'd do real well with.

Yeah.

What do you do for fun, Liv?

What are some hobbies?

I have dogs at home.

I have two beagles, so I hang out with them.

I'm really very homebody.

Since I moved out here, I've just really been trying to explore and be by the pool and chill and relax and just try to honestly find a new life.

Right.

And you're having fun doing stand-up comedy at night?

You enjoy it.

The only reason I do it is because my mom died.

When did your mom die exactly?

So funny story.

Oh, finally.

Oh, you'll love this.

My mom died the day after I saw your stand-up and met you with my husband on August 26th of last year.

It's all coming back to you.

2023.

I'm not even joking.

Like, I got a phone call the next morning that my mom died.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you saw me in that big theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

The Cobb Energy Center.

And yes, the Cobb Energy Center.

It is all coming back to me now.

And

how did your mom die?

She flipped her truck.

She got hit by a car.

Really?

What?

Wow.

I mean, I always wanted a Jeep, and that just ruined it.

So was she walking or in a car?

No, she was a pedestrian.

She was a pedestrian.

It wasn't a hit and run, was it?

No,

the guy stopped.

He did it the right way, but you know.

He what?

He did it the right way.

I mean, he did it the right way.

All the way through.

I mean,

he didn't have to suffer.

And you were very close with your mom.

Yeah, close-ish.

My mom was kind of crazy.

Well, until she got hit.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd say.

Okay.

And have you always been a natural neon pink?

I was just wondering if you're not.

I'd like to say natural red.

Diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival.

Just like

nine kids start chewing your hair.

It's pretty tasty.

It actually smells really good.

It does.

What's it smell like?

Hydropearl oil.

Can I smell it?

Sure, if you'd like to.

I'd love to have a smell.

Wow.

It's chloroform.

Oh, wow.

Smells like Cam's bedroom.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah, it does.

All right, Liv.

Well, congratulations.

Now you know what it feels like at least.

There are extremely bright lights, and everything out there is dark, and now you know for next time.

So sign up again again and write it right a write an actual minute remember it oh good catch i threw that one a little high and hard and she got it

all right tough stuff there i like it i like you like the death stuff i like a good heavy interview that's what this show's all about sometimes it's hee hee ha ha sometimes it's boo boo baba yeah that's what i always say

all right today this is a special moment right now last week we pulled out of the bucket a man who signed up for, I think, every Monday for over a year,

and he had a good minute, but his interview skills were unbelievable.

I swear to God, I think I'm bringing up for the second time ever who might be one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

I'm excited to see his second ever minute on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the short-awaited return of Alex Tarshoon, everybody.

Here we go.

Thank you, thank you.

I've been going to the gym a lot lately.

I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life.

So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough.

I didn't always used to be this big.

I used to be really small.

That was when my dad was getting the best of me.

He said these beatings were preparing me for life.

You know, for all the other 40-year-olds who are going to hit me with a belt and a shoe.

You know, the thing is, though, he actually didn't own a belt.

So we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there.

You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill.

thank you wow wow the return of Alex Tarshun

unbelievable I've been looking forward to this for a whole week thank you me too these people have no fucking idea the relationship that we built last week

Full disclosure, I'm black.

He's black.

Just in case he says,

in case he says the n-word at some point, he's black.

Full disclosure, I'm also black.

So

look out.

Here we go.

Full disclosure, I'm white.

So, Alex, I love this suit.

Last week, your clothing was extremely questionable.

This week, you come in guns ablaze.

And you just get this?

Yeah, Amazon came through.

Wow.

Wow.

Amazon Prime?

Yeah.

Wow.

Look at that.

How much was that?

$75 for the suit.

Yeah.

You know?

It's a new death in an elevator line.

What does that mean?

It's a Prince joke.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Speaking of.

Oh, damn.

How are you, buddy?

I'd love to throw a hamburger patty on your glasses.

Alex Tarshun.

Thank God he walked out that horrible Prince joke idea.

Yeah, that was crazy.

That was

a 39-year-old reference, I do believe.

But it was good.

It was good.

It was good.

Death by an elevator.

I learned something new every time I have Harlan on the show.

Oh, Prince died in an elevator, right?

Uh-uh.

He had an elevator in his mansion.

They found him dead in his elevator.

Really?

Yeah.

No, that was Whitney Houston, dude.

He's thinking of the guy till he's in the middle of the

elevator.

Just ask him.

He knows.

It's okay.

Right, you know.

I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.

Yeah.

Where did you learn that at?

I was just scrolling on Instagram.

It just popped up.

Yep.

That's where you get all the great history teachings.

There's no doubt about it.

Not many people know that at all.

In fact, nobody knows that because it definitely did not happen.

But Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.

This is history with Alex Tarshun.

I'm very excited.

So you got a brand new $75 suit off of Amazon and you're still rocking the do-rag.

That's always going to be part of you, isn't it?

Yeah, one do-rag, no socks.

That's the game.

Do-rag, don't socks.

That's what they say.

And Alex, you work at a pizza place.

Yeah, I do delivery driving.

And I also,

because I actually played a trumpet while I drive because you only need one hand for it.

You play a trumpet while you drive?

Yeah, I played a trumpet while I drive and I use a little flap, like the sun visor to put like the music on it so I can like kind of read it.

You have a trumpet.

Do you have a trumpet with you?

Of course.

With you right now?

Yeah, I brought it.

You brought it?

Yeah.

Get this fucking trumpet.

Here we go.

You gotta be kidding me.

This guy, by the way, set a record last week for the longest interview ever in the history of the show, because we found him so goddamn interesting.

at no point during the 24 minute long interview did he even mention playing the trumpet that's how fucking interesting this guy is trumpet from a garbage bag does it

I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player well I guarantee you he's gonna win he's a professional

but let's sure let's do it let's have a the first ever

Mexican

Mexican trumpet off

Trumpet.

And here we go, your first ever trumpeter on this show's history.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshun.

Perfect.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

All right, now the professional trumpet player is going to play some.

Oh, shit.

Oh, he got that one note that you missed.

Oh, shit.

There you go.

Redband's jumping in with his trumpet sound effect.

This is just a free-for-all at this point.

Harlan's about to play a second crutch.

Wow, look at that.

Harlan coming through

with a victory.

Somebody just handed me that trumpet.

I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to.

And he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy.

So I was like, all right, that trumpet's actually really expensive, too.

How do you know that?

Well, I looked it up.

Like, I eventually looked it up, and it's like, he said he was like giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand, which we know what that means.

It means that he's about to go.

Yeah, yeah.

Do what?

Well,

there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes.

Wait, wait, wait.

Go ahead.

It's okay.

Don't let anybody here throw you off with their scoffs and questions.

What do we all do sometimes, Alex?

Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost just if you want to travel around the world and have your dreams come true.

What kind of dreams would you like to come true?

What do you want to do in Thailand, Alex?

How about we start with some speech therapy classes?

Oh, I think we know what that means, right?

Uh-uh-uh.

Yeah, when it comes to Thailand,

you know what's over there.

No.

You don't, you have no idea what they do in Thailand?

No.

Lady buh-buh-buh.

Oh, ladyboys?

Yeah.

You want to be with a lady boy?

You want to get that ladyboy gold.

Whoa, dude.

What's lady boy gold?

It's just below platinum.

Wow.

An interview genius.

Eventually, this show might just end up being Alex Tarshoon being out here for an hour and a half every week.

You guys will see when you did it.

Yeah.

So, Alex, very interesting stuff.

What else is going on in life?

Well,

I

kind of texted my ex-girlfriend.

I was like, I got in Keltoni's.

I thought it would be kind of weird if she just saw me randomly.

You texted your ex-girlfriend?

Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess is like an emergency or something.

Uh-huh.

And remind everybody why that's a big deal, your ex-girlfriend.

Oh,

well,

you know,

I used to have a heart.

You know,

I used to be in love.

And then what happened?

And then, um, and then I got fired from my job.

And then what happened?

Oh, and then, uh, and then it was just a series of just

like

since since the last time I saw her, I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions.

I went to jail a couple times, just for a weekend.

Just for a weekend.

You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail?

I got a gun pulled on me in Portland.

And then immediately the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me.

And I was like, all right, well, this is what I'm doing.

He was pointing a gun at you?

Do the joke that you did while a guy was pointing a gun at you.

Okay, well, what I said was...

First of all, did you say like, hey, don't shoot me.

Let me do a joke?

Pretty much.

What did you say exactly?

Well, what I said was,

hey, you want to hear a joke?

He pulled a gun on you, and that's the first thing that you said?

Yep.

Wow.

And then what did he say?

He said, all right.

And he's holding it like this or sideways.

He was sitting in the car, so he was just pointing up at me.

Wow.

Okay.

So you say, want to hear a joke?

He said yes, and then you go.

I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw the Prophet Muhammad.

It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though.

By the way, he's fraternal.

He's fraternal.

You know?

I would have shot him immediately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did the guy laugh?

Yeah.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

My God.

And then what happened?

Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around and I was like, you never believe this.

Just had a gun pulled on me.

She's like, what did you do?

I said, I told him a joke.

A Prophet Muhammad joke.

And she goes, why?

I'm like, that's comedy, right?

And then she was like, no, it's not.

And I was like, oh, and she's like, I'm actually in the circuit.

Like, I know what comedy is.

And I was like, all right.

Oh, yeah.

Someone in, yeah a lady in Portland yeah has it all figured out that sounds about right yeah I know Portland well enough to know that those are the types of people that think they have it all figured out I'm in the circuit

perfect I finally got closure though

because I told her I got and killed Tony and she was like good for you but you know he's a he's a bad man right yeah and I was like oof yeah those Portland people yeah I was like he's stupid I'm the bad man meanwhile she lives in a neighborhood where people in cars are rolling up, pulling guns on innocent people.

But I'm the bad guy.

Yeah.

Because I said

something.

Some words.

I said words.

So Alex Tarshun, what else is going on in life?

Well, Monday was good for me, last Monday.

Tuesday was kind of rough.

Tell us what happened on Tuesday.

I got a phone call from my apartment, and they were just like, so we heard you had eight dogs.

We just wanted to know when you're leaving.

And I I was like, all right, well, you know, you know, so it's been a long week.

I got a couple of new apartments lined up.

We're, you know, new strategy for a new apartment.

Just going to lie.

Right.

Tell them I have two dogs.

And you're going to sneak in eight dogs.

Yeah.

A fun fact about Alex is he has eight pit bulls.

How did they find out?

What are the odds that the apartment building found out the night or the next day after you talked about it in front of the world?

Well, it's because I got home so late that it was just like screeches and squeals squeals for like a couple hours, you know, like

they heard the eight pit bulls playing around fighting.

No, his

room's next to Cam's.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

So what are you realistically going to do for an apartment, Alex Tarsh Jr.

out there delivering pizzas for a living?

Well, first off, my...

My chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting.

Why?

It can't plummet if you are never even up, all right?

I was working on my teaching certificate, like thinking, like, I'm going to get summer off to hang out with my dogs.

And then I was just like,

there's something about saying nigga on stage.

It's just not going to, it's not going to work for me, you know?

I think you can say it.

I should.

You should.

You should be able to say it.

Are both your parents black?

Because you're sort of like a little fair-skinned.

No,

I'm like black and like Moulin Yon.

All right, then you can't say it.

Well, those are both, those both mean black.

Yeah, John, uh, John Keys gave him permission, so that's cool.

Oh, yeah,

okay, go ahead.

How do you know you're not going to be able to get your teacher's certificate?

Well, I think, uh, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that like I pranked phone calls the suicide hotline by accident.

Really?

Yeah, like, if you Google me already, like, there's like it's already like it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.

Wow.

How do you prank the suicide hotline?

Yeah, what exactly?

Don't jump.

Don't jump.

Well, like, basically, like,

I had like shoulder surgery, making excuses for myself.

I was kind of on pills and stuff.

Like, I had like a big old slinky and everything.

And I was just like, thought it'd be funny.

Like, I was watching crank yankers.

And I was like, oh, crank yankers.

I should make prank phone calls.

That'd be funny.

That'd be good content.

Yeah.

And what I did was I just called up the suicide hotline and just was just like, you know, I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it.

And then I put like the two house phones together to make that like robot squeal.

And then like my brother came in.

he's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing?

You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened?

And he goes to the phone.

He's like, why did you do this to Peter?

And then

like an hour later, I'm like making eggs.

Like, wow, that was pretty funny.

Dude, I'm about to kill myself right now.

Let's move this along.

Yeah, it doesn't really pop up.

How do you spell your last name again?

It's T.

Uh-huh.

A-R-U-H.

C-H-O-U-N.

C-H-O-U-N.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's sort of French, dude.

Is there some French in Tunisia?

Yeah, it used to be a French colony.

You used to to be my dad's country yeah what was your dad's country again uh Tunisia oh wow

Tunisia

you know what Tunisia

oh wow holy shit damn oh shit yeah that's definitely you

that is incredible how do we find it is it a video no it's uh i had to delete the audio too but uh the uh it's like a they wouldn't take down the uh article because the company went out of business so it's just kind of stuck there Alex Tarshun,

ChatGPT says, Alex Tarshun was involved in an incident where he made a prank call to a suicide prevention hotline, which led to his arrest and charges of second-degree false incident report and disorderly conduct.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah.

This fucking guy's incredible.

Thank you.

This is the only show where people get an applause break for being arrested for pranking a suicide hotline.

Bravo!

True art.

had a i had an arrest one time or i had a 60-year charge that was uh like a class x felony in the illinois wow what did you do there so basically my friend was like i'm gonna go mule my friend was like i'm gonna go mule like a bunch of weed across the country and i was like i like i'm not doing anything like i'll go hang out like i'll go for the i'll go for the ride i just wanted to go along for the ride yeah yeah wow okay yeah and then uh like the thing is like we had a driver who was you know like kind of on the spectrum a little bit like not in a bad way but like for this it was terrible because like i was in the front seat just like taking a nap and uh like the cop was knocking on my window i'm like how does how does the cop waken me up like you know what i mean like that's you know but um like right before bed like i was like braiding my hair like right before i went to sleep

in the car yeah i was braiding my hair just thinking like well if i get arrested like i want to have a good mug shot

And then like I actually did wake up to a cop on the window and I was like, oh shit.

And was your hair completely braided at that point?

Wow.

Did you get the magical mug shot that you had hoped for?

I really did.

I really did.

Let's go back to Alex.

If you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.

It is?

Yeah, episode two through four.

You have a cartoon, too.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, he has a wildly successful cartoon.

Tell Harlan the name of your cartoon.

What is it?

So basically, it's the black version of Ed Ed and Eddie.

And what's it called?

What is it?

It's called Nig, Nigga nigga.

There you go.

There you go.

Just in case you were wondering.

Self-described half black, half

moulign.

That's right.

Absolutely incredible.

This guy, a friend of yours?

You can ask him anything, and you get an unbelievable answer.

Every goddamn time.

All the stuff that we found out this interview, we didn't talk about about last week.

It's been 17 minutes he's been up here.

Time flies with Alex Tarshun.

So, this cartoon, is it for kids?

Not really.

Who's it for?

It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff, not too sensitive and shit, you know.

You know, if you say Beetlejuice three times, it disappears.

So, what was the name of your show?

Everybody at the same time.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's just nicknigger nigga.

What was it?

Nick nigga nigga.

A lot of bleeps this episode coming in.

Does anything happen if you say that three times?

You know what?

Like,

nah.

There you go.

Yeah, Red Band keeps trying to Google your cartoon.

Delete my search history.

Yeah.

He He typed in the name of your cartoon and Bel Bib de Beau popped up for some reason.

So,

Alex, last week, at the last second of many of many minutes of interview, we found out that your shoes were falling apart.

Show the audience.

Good peek at this.

We got the old alligator.

Lift it up.

Lift it up and pull it down so that people can see.

You see that?

And this guy's out there delivering pizzas, hustling, getting kicked out of his apartment, taking care of eight dogs.

So we have a gift for you.

The lovely Heidi's bringing it out.

Let's go.

It is

your size.

It's a brand new pair of

Nikes.

Bust those things out and pop them on there, Alex.

Just

pull them out.

What happens if he says it three times?

There you go, Alex.

A pair of my favorite shoes.

Yeah, put them on.

Put them on, Alex.

Put them on, you son of a bitch.

Take off those dirty fucking shoes.

You should start wearing socks, Alex.

I asked ChatGPT if I should wear socks and it said yes.

Yes.

Yeah, you could ask fucking anybody.

They would have told you yes.

You didn't have to go to ChatGPT.

You didn't have to use that kind of technology.

Red Band's really ramping up to say something here, everybody.

Why do you wear that hat every week?

Yeah, William Montgomery wore it last week, and he said his whole head smelled like pizza for the rest of the night.

There you go.

Was it worth it?

We already talked about the thing.

It's good.

How do the shoes feel?

They feel great.

It feels a good color.

They really match your do-rag, bro.

That's like a good look.

My hair gets really frizzy because like the hot heat around here.

Yeah.

So I try to keep the

kind of moisture in.

But how do you feel about the way it matches?

You must feel like a million bucks right now.

I feel like a Hot Wheels car.

Feel like a Hot Wheels car.

You have the vibe of a Hot Wheels car.

It's very, very death in an elevator, if you will.

No.

That joke doesn't work.

I already tried it.

So we're going to throw those old shoes out.

Can we throw them over to the telephone line?

Yeah, if you want to, yeah.

Yeah,

you could do that if you want, Alex.

Congratulations.

You have new shoes.

Another set and interview down the hatch.

Thank you, Alex.

Tarshan.

There he goes, everybody.

There he goes.

He bought a new suit just for this.

$75 on Amazon Prime.

You bought him those shoes, Tony?

Yeah.

That was really nice of you, man.

Yeah.

Those are nice shoes.

Hey, would it be inappropriate?

Because I'm just...

How much they cost?

Can I ask?

Or is that inappropriate?

How much does a rack of them cost?

Yeah, I think they were, I think they were like $120.

Nice guy.

They're my favorite shoes, so I got him a pair of my own favorite shoes.

Give Tony a hand.

That's nice right there, there.

I bought him once

in New York City from the Nike store.

That's nice.

And I was surprised at how great they are.

They're my favorite shoes.

All right.

Make some noise for your next bucket full.

It's Nicholas Hartley, everybody.

Here we go.

Hey

My grandpa is not a big sports fan.

In fact, I think his favorite sport is family feud.

Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family.

And my grandpa, diehard whites fan.

I'll tell you that.

He fucking loves those guys.

I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over.

Because he's just sitting there like the ref is on their team.

It isn't fucking fair, you know?

know?

Like he thinks Steve is rigging the game.

He's so delusional, you know?

Like I'm watching a nice family-friendly show, and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say.

You hear the black family go, good answer, good answer.

I never want to excuse my grandpa.

for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s.

If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved.

Thank you,

absolutely, Nicholas Hartley.

Some family feud material.

We love the feud around here, yes, sir.

Yeah,

I okay, you don't like the family feud?

I hate that thing.

Why?

Because of him.

No, I don't.

I'm ambivalent.

I love that.

That's a big word, guy.

I know.

Relax.

That's not a guy.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, it.

Nicholas, is this your first time on the show?

Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

How old are you?

I'm 26.

26.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two and a half years.

Two and a half.

What do you do for work?

I work at a Mexican restaurant.

Wow.

What do you do at a Mexican restaurant?

The bartender?

A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like, English?

And they're like, no, that's a lot of it.

But most of it's just me serving and you know getting food back and forth trying not to get fired wow a white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant it is going up there like can I get you some chili killies would that be all right and they go no okay how long have you been serving at this Mexican restaurant four months four months what were you doing before that before that I was playing professional rugby rugby professionally yeah you were getting paid to play rugby 19 bucks an hour

19 bucks an hour how many hours a week would you do that Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice, but then we were really doing like 10-hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other shit.

Wow.

That's a brutal game.

What's your worst injury, my guy?

I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game, and I was walking off field, and another fella came around the weak side and popped it back in.

And I couldn't move my arm for like a week.

It was pretty sick.

Made jerking off really hard.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I still did it.

You're left-handed?

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible.

Great story, and then he wrecks it at the end.

Yeah.

Tough business.

Yes, sir.

Rugby is a tough business.

You've seen a little, like, no offense, but you don't have the biggest build I've ever seen for a rugby player.

Yeah, I'm fast.

I'm really fast.

And that's a good idea.

Are you a cheerleader by any chance?

Yeah.

I did in high school.

That was kind of neat.

You were a cheerleader in high school.

It's amazing because I picked up on those energies as well.

I could feel male cheerleader energies.

Did you give us one of your best cheers?

Yeah.

I mean, I was a bass.

I didn't really do any of that.

I was just like that.

And then I just...

Can you give us one of your most perverted looks?

I can do a toe touch.

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first toe touch of the evening.

Wow.

David Lee Roth in the house, huh, guy?

Yes, sir.

Go ahead and jump, huh, player?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow, dude.

Yeah, absolutely.

Very impressive.

Can you do that again, bro, in slow motion?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My dad's going to hate everything about what just happened.

I'll tell you that.

Your dad doesn't like the fact that you were a male cheerleader.

He doesn't like gays.

I'll say that.

Well, he probably wasn't going to like the show anyway because I am the host.

So

let's talk about it.

about it.

This is all very interesting.

Was the stuff with your grandpa real?

Yeah, so he watches Family Feud all the time.

I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said, but he definitely says things he should not.

I'll say that.

And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.

Really?

Yes.

He thinks that the host is cheating.

Yeah, because the black family actually wins a lot, and

that blows his mind every time.

Like, he'll sit there and

he'll be like, that's on the board.

on earth.

That's bullshit.

That's bullshit and a half and then he'll be like the black person will answer like a why would anybody think that and then it's ding he goes this is bullshit.

He gets

I love it.

Oh, yeah, it is incredible.

Do you ever video record him watching it?

Not at all.

You should I would love to do that.

Yeah, that would that's a great idea.

Turn this bit into a fucking reality show.

People would love to watch a racist old guy fucking watch the feud.

I mean, I always say that like kind of watching watching it, if I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, you know, but I love my grandpa.

So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting, you know?

I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but god damn, does it hit the spot every single time?

Every time.

Does he ever watch basketball and yell the same shit at the white people?

Yeah, no, he refuses to watch basketball.

He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe.

Wow.

And his son plays Australian rugby?

Yeah.

I don't know about that one.

He wasn't happy, you know.

He wants me to be an engineer, but that's.

I got a little sad.

Oh, no.

You're doing just fine.

Thank you, Tony.

What's the most racist thing you've ever heard your grandpa say?

I actually have an answer.

The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the n-word.

I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there, and I thought, my grandpa's not racist.

He just doesn't like people who are, you know, who don't like the things he likes.

If he found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex-veteran, they'd get along.

And this guy was all of that.

And I got in the car with him.

I was like, what do you think of that guy, grandpa?

Do you like that guy?

Because they were having fun.

And he goes, that guy?

He's fine around those good white folks, but when you put him around his own kind, the jungle just comes out in him.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

Yes, sir.

Go ahead and join us.

Just that one.

Panampam.

All right, all right.

Yep.

Wow.

That is.

I'll pull my hamstring on that one.

That one works.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely perfect.

What did you say, D Madness?

And I'm glad he did.

Oh, shit.

No, you can't be mad at him.

He's not racist, D.

He's talking about his grandpa, D.

You just like the fact that he would hurt himself because he has a racist grandpa?

Not really.

Okay, perfect.

Well, we didn't really get much of anywhere with that talk.

Nicholas Hartley, what do you do for fun?

What are some hobbies of yours now that you're out of the rugby game and you're working at a Mexican restaurant when you're not doing stand-up?

What else do you like to do?

I mean, I play a lot of Suducos.

I play chess.

And

I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf.

I golf a lot.

Okay.

Yeah.

Very interesting.

Do you have a love life?

Is there a particular lover out there?

I do.

I have a lady.

She's a gal, and I like that.

Yeah.

Big fan of her being a gal.

Yep.

Yeah, she's a good lady.

She's Catholic, and that causes some friction between us.

Why would it cause friction?

Well, I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that.

Wow, look at that.

Whites fighting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dee Madness is happy right now.

Yeah, he's smiling ear to ear over here.

For sure.

What's your girlfriend do, Brosefioz?

Well, she's getting her master's in college right now.

And

Prosefiov.

What is she getting her master's in?

She wants to be a dietitian.

Ooh, is she a bigger girl?

No, but she does do CrossFit.

And

she's probably stronger than me right now, and that makes me upset.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Why, have you ever asked her why she wants to be a dietitian?

Why she wants to work with

yeah,

she says she wants to help people and

like there's so many other ways you could do that, you know?

But she just likes food and she likes to help people.

She might be fat, I don't know, fuck.

But no, she's a nice lady, and I care.

How long have you been with her?

Year.

Okay.

All right.

Trying to figure this out, Nicholas Hartley.

I find, I feel like I'm a question away from figuring out something.

What scares you?

Oh, shoot.

Black people.

It's unbelievable.

We do all that work.

Man, what scares me?

Shit.

I, you know, I really don't like crowded spaces.

I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places.

You know, that's just a real fear.

But I am also

afraid of like heights, too.

I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.

You're afraid of heights?

Yeah, I'm afraid of heights.

When's the last time you were somewhere high?

We went to Colorado one time.

And you were scared the whole time.

Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge and you're leaning down, you feel like you're going to fall.

I don't like that at all.

All right, Nicholas.

Not the best answer, I know.

Have you ever been arrested?

Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.

What do you think you should have been arrested for?

Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window.

And sometimes we put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that.

Wow.

Set them out like fishing lures, you know.

Damn, interesting.

I think I know about a guy on an exit ramp that saw one of those and

tried to stop real quick.

For sure.

Flipped his truck.

All right.

Anything else crazy we should know about you, Nicholas?

Any other fun facts about your life?

Grandpa was racist.

What about grandma?

Did you ever hang out with grandma?

So here's the thing with grandma.

Okay.

Grandma pretends to not be racist.

Oh, let's go.

So

let's fucking go.

We'll be watching Family Feud and Grandpa's going off and she's like, now Dale.

Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know?

And then she'll lean over to me because I'm one of her older grandchildren and go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know.

Oh, wow.

My God.

And I'm like, grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know?

Yeah.

She puts on a front like she's not racist, but then she whispers to her little favorites.

Yeah.

And that's the crazy thing is, too, I think they think I'm racist, too, because I'm not going to tell an 80-year-old man, you're wrong for that, you know?

Right.

So I just go, yeah.

Actually, that's true

because I went, I was hanging around with my grandpa's friends one time, and he just coyly said, he's like, this is my grandson, Nick.

He's like us, you know.

And I was like, I like bluegrass.

I do like bluegrass, grandpa.

Wow.

Big fan of bluegrass.

He's, dude, my dad's going to be so pissed about this.

My dad is going to be so pissed.

It's perfect.

That means you're doing something right.

Thank you.

You ever sit around with the family and watch Wheel of Fortune with the hoods on?

Yeah, no, we never.

We never done it with the hoods on.

You will.

You will.

Yes, sir.

Well, Nicholas, congratulations.

You got on the show.

You did it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Caught a little low toss there.

Let's have some more fun.

Your next bucket pull is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen.

So it's probably going to take her a while to get up here.

Make some noise.

It is one of you representing this audience.

Make some noise for Cassandra Hartford, everybody.

Cassandra Hartford.

There she is, right in the middle.

Normally,

a fun fact, the audience sign-ups normally don't do as well as the comedians.

That's why a lot of people are leaving right now.

These people have to go open up their food truck.

They have a food truck that they run together.

By the way, shout out to RB's Steakhouse making cheese steaks for us tonight.

Here is Cassandra Hartford.

Everybody, make some noise for Cassandra.

My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took an ancestry.com test, and we are 12% of the same DNA.

Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard.

Gosh.

Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse.

None of them have ever seen a ballot box.

Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas?

They do.

Yeah.

If you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced.

I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related.

Just one big old family of thumbs.

Did you guys hear about the

big bankruptcy?

You know, they employ all of the retards in America.

What was that, a Hooters?

What are we going to do with all those girls?

That's my time.

Thank you.

Cassandra Hartford actually doing pretty good for an audience, bucket pool.

Incredible.

You said retard 11 times during your set, but you know what they say.

If you are one, you're allowed to say the word.

So congratulations.

Welcome, welcome.

This is the first time we've had our own Hawk Tua girl on the show.

This is very exciting.

Hawk Thria over here, we'll call you.

Like a new model of Hawk Tua.

What brings you to Austin, Texas?

Do you live here?

I do not live here.

I live in Florida.

What part of Florida?

Melbourne, just outside of Orlando.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

And you're just visiting Austin?

Just visiting Austin.

I came in for a concert.

What concert?

Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.

Wow.

Yeah.

Never heard of them.

What kind of music is that?

A little folky, little blues.

Okay.

Yeah.

You know about them?

You know about nothing musically.

How do you know about them?

I can't remember, actually, but no, they're great.

They're good.

Is it girls?

Nope, two dudes, Andy and Kyle.

Wow, you're looking at dudes playing music.

What's going on over here?

Look at my little cultured co-host over here.

I never knew you had it in you.

They're chill.

They're like really cool.

I recommend it.

Penny and Sparrow.

Is it like country music?

Not country.

Considered folk.

Whoa.

Their biggest song is called Slaves.

There's kind of a theme tonight.

I don't know if anybody's catching on to it.

Trying to get away from the racism thing in my reputation right now.

And episodes like this don't help at all.

I'm here for a concert.

Penny and Sparrow.

You might know them from their hit slaves.

Couple white guys singing about slaves.

All right.

And what's your story?

You're married.

You You have a big, big diamond on that finger.

Whoa.

How long have you been married for?

I'm engaged.

I've been engaged for about three years.

Let me just tell you.

Let me just tell you.

There's a theme tonight.

I don't know if you've been watching this show.

But

you better get married because he could die at any point.

Why do you think you've been engaged for three years and he hasn't pulled the trigger yet?

He already pulled the trigger.

I haven't planned the wedding.

It's up to you now.

Why are you hesitating on planning a wedding?

I just, I don't have the intrinsic desire to pick the fucking flowers and like that whole like dress thing.

Like, I can't be bothered.

It's like, it's me.

It's not him.

It's me.

I'm the problem.

He's in for a ride.

Yeah.

Jeez, Louise.

Isn't it every girl's dream to do this?

And you're like, you just sound like you don't seem enthused.

I don't like being judged by Evil Knievel, first of all.

Whoa, look at that.

Don't take that.

Damn.

Don't take that.

I love evil kinival.

Oh, my God.

Just call me Eve.

Summer's Eve.

Am I right?

Loose your mouth.

I love it.

So what do you do for work, Cassandra Hartford?

Yeah, it's Hartford.

Ferd.

Uh-huh.

Ford.

I own a...

El Correcto over.

The Ferd just gives that 12% retard.

Ferd, you know,

leaning out of that.

There's 18.

There it is.

Your special trick.

Yeah.

I own a commercial real estate brokerage.

Wow.

Look at that.

And what does your

husband to be do?

Manages money.

He manages money.

Is he good at it?

I think he's pretty good.

You have a nice home as a commercial real estate brokerage.

Yeah, we're good.

Yeah.

I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up.

I'm so sorry.

Hell yeah.

I just get like a regular life.

You don't have eight pit bulls?

What kind of a car do you have?

A fucking Tesla.

A Tesla.

You don't like your Tesla?

I just look like I drive a Tesla.

So it's, you know, it's the

Teslas are great.

I fucking love Teslas, but everybody that has a Tesla loves it.

Yeah.

Why you feel like you're afraid to talk about it or something?

Yeah.

Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right?

Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasing.

No, I just look like I look like what I am.

I know, I'm aware.

So funny, Tesla was always a liberal car.

It used to be.

It used to be the funniest thing that saved the planet.

Yeah, everything against oil and gas.

Same with all the people that they

all the good people get considered MAGA now.

Isn't that interesting?

On Amazon for $15, they have these things where you could take off the Tesla logos and put a Honda Prius on it, and people think it's a Honda Prius.

Cool.

Thanks.

So if you want a Honda Prius.

Or even in your case, you can put retard on it.

Yeah.

Yep.

And then everyone will know it's you.

It's the retard girl.

Cassandra Hartford.

What do you do for fun, Cassandra?

This.

You do stand-up.

How long have you been on stand-up for?

Like five hours.

Like in total, you know, like stage time.

Right.

So did you perform five hours ago?

No, no, no, no, no, like collectively, five hours so you wrote that you wrote your six retard jokes and

decided to do this today no so

on stage on and off yeah he

gets it he's just trying to get me to say a year and a half yeah red band understood

what i said he understood no he doesn't fucking know i want to hear it from you not from fucking red band on and off for about a year total time on stage five hours

so you've been you first went on stage about a year and a half ago.

Correct.

Okay.

Why would you say five hours then?

It's just confusing to me when people like eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking time on stage?

Because that your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.

Okay.

Uh-uh, we don't say dumber, we say,

yeah.

This is

a fucking

bleep fest is what's happening right now.

People hate the bleep.

It's an eight-minute show today.

Yeah.

So in a year and a half, you think you've been on stage five hours is what you're saying.

I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you have fun when you perform stand-up comedy?

Yeah.

Do you make friends that are comedians?

I try to.

Do you have more friends in the real estate business or the comedy business?

Real estate.

It's just because you're working with them all day.

Yeah.

Are you good at selling commercial commercial real estate?

Yeah.

You are?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So good I opened a company and I started doing it.

You have your own company.

Right.

So good at it that you started your own company.

It's like a it

fucking does.

It literally does.

Okay.

We're down to seven.

Where did you meet your husband to be at?

We met at a comedy show.

At a comedy show.

Were you performing?

I was not.

I hadn't no interest.

What was the comedy show?

Just a mic in Melbourne, Florida.

You guys were just at a random open mic together.

Yeah.

And you guys were sat next to each other?

In the same room, and he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, and a unicorn.

Did he?

He doesn't do stand-up, though.

He does not, no.

Okay.

No, no, no.

You're the funny one in this relationship.

Yeah.

What are you doing, Red Bam?

Red Bam.

You're doing physical.

You guys didn't even realize the whole time she's had her hand in her front pocket playing with her kids.

Why the fuck is she going to be like that?

She's been playing with her kid the whole time she's going like that.

You got Colt and Christie over here.

Very excited about the front pocket acknowledgement on a podcast.

Cassandra, most interesting thing about your life before I let you go.

Oh, God.

I was a teen mom.

You were?

Twice.

Wow.

So how old are your kids now?

17 and a half and 16 and a half.

17 and what?

So they're almost 18, almost 17.

So they're almost adults.

Wow.

Yeah.

My goodness.

Yeah.

And who was that guy?

You still talk to him?

When I have to.

Right.

Is he a good guy?

Does he have a steady job?

I hope so.

You don't know?

I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know.

Yeah,

we were teenagers.

So, you know, what's your name?

Can you let him nut inside of you all all the time?

Did you not know how the birds and the bees worked?

I guess not.

You didn't?

No, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions.

But he was finishing inside of you.

I'm aware.

You didn't notice that?

There's this weird thing that, like, some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finish.

Ah,

the old Florida fuck tuery.

Yeah.

That's what happens.

Yo, minute meatloaf.

That's right.

The old pepperoni pit set, the old double stuffed crust,

the old elephantier.

Can I ask, this is kind of an intimate question.

Do you mind if Big Daddy digs a little deep?

Absolutely.

You were getting deep.

Daddy wants to get deep.

Dig, Daddy, dig.

So

you're doing the teenager thing, and sometimes when you're a teen,

you don't have a place you can do the deed.

So not to get too, but did you do it in a car or something?

Like did you have fun in a car?

Good question.

I respect that question.

No, it was always at his parents' house.

Like in the basement or something?

Just in a bedroom.

In like a race car bed?

Yeah.

Was it a spirit?

Were there posters on the wall?

Do you remember if there were posters on the wall?

It was dark.

It was always dark.

It was dark.

Okay,

were the parents in the house when you were doing it?

Probably.

Probably in the garage ripping cigarettes.

That's why he did it so fast.

The parents were there.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got it when the parents are there.

Did you ever do it at your house, or was it always at his house?

Always his.

Why not your house?

It was rough.

Tell us more.

Yeah, it's a rough house.

My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point.

Wow.

Yeah.

I didn't realize that the character Jenny from Torrest Gump was based on you.

That really is a rough upbringing.

Being raised in a carport.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

We never got to have sex at her place.

Cassandra lived in a carpool.

So I had to nut inside of her in my race car bed.

I kind of sound like Joe White.

I'm not it inside of her, Tony.

Where's Joe White at?

Get him up here.

Where's he at?

Some of you might not know, but we have a house photographer that's 175 years old, and he has one of the funniest voices you've ever heard.

We couldn't.

I have to.

Where is he?

He's coming up the stairs.

Oh, this is going to take forever.

Wow.

My goodness.

And how about this new man?

Wait, where is he?

Where's this supposed hot fiancé of yours?

Where's he at?

Glasses.

Which guy?

Oh, look at that guy.

Wow.

Look at fucking Clark Kent over here.

Holy shit.

And how about him?

Do you let him finish inside of you like

you did the old boy back in the day?

Does this guy do the old fucking dump and pump?

Does this guy come and keep going at the same time?

Does this guy do the old fucking...

It's called the manatee meatloaf.

I already told you.

Yeah.

The old

creme de la creme.

The old frosted flake.

the old

All right, where the fuck's Joe White?

Okay, Joe White.

Here's Joe White, everybody

Here he is ladies and gentlemen.

There he is

our photographer since wait, don't take her mic Joe Joe Joe to give her her mic back.

We got a special mic for you you crazy old batty bastard

Let's do a version of the forest gump music, but not exactly so that it sets off the YouTube sensors.

And then, Joe, I want you to say, I want you to say,

I want you to say

we couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport.

Ready?

One, two, one, two, three, four.

We couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport.

Perfect.

Perfect.

If the podcast gave out Emmy Awards, I swear to God we would win one.

I swear to God.

Perfect.

Alright, Cassandra.

Perfect.

How about a hand for Joe Whiteley?

We love you, Joe.

Biggest pimp in the world, guys.

Not a lot of people know this, but he's the one that took the picture at the last supper.

He's a photographer for Paul Revere back in the day.

So many great things.

That was him.

Here is a big joke book, Cassandra.

We're going to give it to you, even though your set was just okay.

I like your energy and your attitude.

Cassandra Hartford.

Oh, that's what happens when you keep your hand in your pocket.

They're not ready.

Cassandra Hartford.

All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here.

We're in overtime now.

Make some noise for Jovan Afzali.

Or Johan, perhaps.

Or or Jovan

All right, uh let me know if this makes you laugh.

Okay, so I um

Okay, so I went to get a physical the other day, right?

And I get to the doctors and I show them my insurance card and they're like, oh, with your insurance, we can only check your sight and your weight.

So they took me in the back and they made me look in a mirror and just guess how fat I was.

I'm like, oh, oh, I'm not that fat.

Okay, and they're like, you're definitely going to need glasses.

Okay.

So so there was a lot of hot girls at the library today, but I didn't talk to any of them because it's hard to be charming when you have to whisper So instead I just sat down next to one and I read eating pussy for dummies and vigorously highlighted

I swear to God man if if one more person says I look exactly like George Floyd I'm gonna lose my shit

You know me,

I'm just a classic incel.

One time I had sex with a blow-up doll on an air mattress.

I've never been more out of breath.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Joe Bon Abzali, ladies and gentlemen.

Incredible set.

Wow.

Perhaps more jokes than we've heard from every bucket pull all night tonight, all in one 60-second set.

Harlan Williams.

Every joke, yeah.

Yeah.

Like every single joke, you got a big laugh.

So way to go, bud.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Incredible.

And you've been on this show before, right?

Yeah.

But it did not go that well last time, right?

No, I think.

You're showing growth.

It happens.

It's a natural thing.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm four years, yeah.

Four years.

All of it here in Austin?

No,

two years in Austin, two years in Albany.

That's where I'm from, New York.

Another upstate New York.

Absolutely incredible.

Wow.

Congratulations on getting out of there.

What do you do for work?

I'm a cook at a sushi restaurant nearby.

Oh, hell yeah.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

Yeah.

You cook sushi, dude.

Yeah.

I see your point.

I see your point.

I think he's fucking lying is what he's doing.

Hell yeah.

Well, it wasn't my first choice, yeah.

Like, um, I wanted to be a hibachi cook because, like, it's the only job where you get to throw shrimp into black guys' mouths and nobody bats an eye.

uh,

wow.

But they wouldn't hire me.

Here we go.

So I went sushi.

We almost had a big, good ending, but we got to chop down another minute now.

Incredible.

So, what are you cooking?

You're basically deep-frying wontons at a mame?

No, I'm a prep cook.

And the sauce guy just got fired today, so I got moved off to sauces.

Wow.

Wow.

Yes.

Sauce guy.

Do you know why the sauce guy got fired?

It's a big mystery, but I can only guess, you know.

Yeah.

Probably putting.

What would you guess?

Probably putting bad stuff in the sauce.

There you go.

No doubt about it.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Have you ever seen a sauce squash?

That's fucking corny.

That's fucking corny.

What the fuck?

Hey, I'm evil Knievel.

I do what I want.

I said, have you ever seen a sauce squash?

What's the best sauce that you're looking forward to making?

Oh, there's this really good one.

It's like an edamame with jalapenos in it.

It's like, we call it EDJ, and it's like, I don't know, it's delicious.

Why do you call it EDJ?

Edamame jalapeno.

Dip shit.

Well,

I see

you would say that, which is cool and all.

Dip shit.

But that would make it EJ.

Or else you would just do the first two letters of both fucking words.

Yeah.

E-D-J-A sauce.

Okay, yeah.

I see your point.

Yeah,

I see your point.

I'm sorry for overreacting.

Yeah, you're goddamn fucking right you are.

Little fucking f little bulldyke bitch.

Don't worry about it, DS.

Give these people a fucking shot.

They want to get a goddamn fucking attitude.

Getting a fucking little joke book now.

Oh, come on.

You got a big one.

You had a little one last time you were on, right?

Young man doing my best.

Give me a big one.

How old are you?

23.

All right.

Yeah, come on.

23.

How long?

What's the longest set you've ever done?

I did 20 minutes on my local funny bone once upon a time.

Yeah.

Wow, 20 minutes.

And he kind of looks like a bitch.

Red Band, what are you going to say?

I'd love to have you do a little set at the secret show.

Really?

Oh, thank you.

That'd be okay.

There you go.

That'd be lovely.

Lovely.

Is it Jovon?

Am I saying that right?

Jovan?

Jovan.

Yeah, Jovan.

Jovan, congratulations.

Indeed, you are getting a big joke book.

Congratulations.

There he goes.

Jovan Afzali.

Very good said, Jovan.

Sign up again.

Jovan Afzali.

Alright, that was fun.

There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the record holding Hall of Famer.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Diablo a la Dairy queen.

This is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Wow.

My favorite Kentucky Derby horse this year was Flying Mohawk.

I love that name.

And I think my least favorite name at the Derby this year was John Benet Ramsey's Killer.

I asked Red Band if he had a horse, what would he name it?

And he said, there goes the neighborhood.

That's pathetic, Red Band, you fucking idiot.

A morbidly obese murderer on death row is arguing that his obesity will cause him to suffer when he's executed, and that's bad because

Rosie O'Donnell says she has a crush on Lyle Menendez, who along with his brother has been in prison for the last 35 years for killing his parents.

I know this goes without saying, but Lyle, stay away from that crazy bitch.

She'll ruin your reputation, Lyle.

Okay, Tony, that's my time, Dave.

Very good.

57 seconds from the master.

So I was three seconds off, Tony.

Really?

It was close.

God.

57 seconds off.

Fuck.

How does that make you feel?

No.

It sucks, man.

I was thinking that was for sure a minute.

I was picturing more laughter for some of the jokes, but I was thinking it was going to be right at a minute, but I was three seconds short.

You did really good.

Speaking of short.

What are these camo shorts you're rocking tonight, William?

We've never seen that.

Tony, I was on Facebook.

I scrolled through.

I had to follow these different Facebook pages, and I was scrolling through it, and I saw these shorts, and I'm like, I got to get these shorts.

And I got the shorts.

I got to,

I'm doing the shorts.

I'm still doing the row machine.

I'm at 50,000 meters this month.

Tony, I'm at 750,000 meters since January 1st.

Whoa.

I'm planning on hitting a million in June.

Oh.

I'm sponsoring, Tony, you're going to be proud of me.

I'm sponsoring St.

Jude's Children's Research Hospital.

Whoa.

For what?

Each dollar I raise, I have all these different donors, and each meter I go, they're giving me a dollar.

You have different donors?

I have a couple different donors who are willing to do this.

Big people who are down with helping children, sick kids.

Why are you laughing at that, you fucking weirdo?

You're about to be hooked up onto the same machines, dumbass, when you're dying in the fucking hospital.

And I wish I was wrong.

I'm trying to get you on the fucking Row Machine, dude.

Here's Schwartz look like they were in Cam Patterson's bedroom.

Whoa, Red Band recycling jokes from 45 minutes ago, nailing it.

How do you do that?

How do you remember that?

Carlin says them to somebody else, and then he does them.

It's incredible.

He's like, he's got a master of the craft.

It was really funny when the girl was talking about all the death in her life with the car crashes.

He was doing good at that.

Red Band, you were pretty funny at that.

Yes, he was doing good.

Thank you, William.

I love that there's leaves all over your shorts there.

If you ever need to wipe your ass, you can just sit down.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

What made you fall in love with those camo shorts?

Are you hunting on your knees?

Oh, no.

I'm just, I don't know, Tony.

Balder Boy season.

Let's go.

It's Capit Lucas merch.

You doing a little, doing a little duck hunt?

No, I went duck hunting once, Tony.

It was the saddest thing.

Tell us about it.

We need to know.

Oh, my God.

I was with my buddy Ben Jordan, and I remember we were hitting whippets on the way to his property in Tennessee, and Jordan was hitting him while we were driving, which was scary.

And then we ended up shooting shotguns, shooting skeet, and I think that's why I have tinnitus right now because we didn't have earplugs or anything.

We ended up, he shot a couple of ducks, and I just remember thinking it'd be like two buddies up there flying, and then one of them just disappears.

So, I can't, I'm never gonna participate again.

I'll eat them, but I don't want to participate.

How often do you eat duck?

Oh my gosh, Tony, probably once a week.

If fucking

what are some of your favorite duck dishes?

Meking, mekong duck,

Peking duck.

Okay.

Peking duck.

Sounds like you're going off on a little thing here.

Ho Chi Minh Duck.

Ooh,

Ho Chi Minh Duck.

Yeah.

Keep going.

Vietnamese duck.

Ooh.

Donald.

Quack.

Donald.

Quack.

Okay.

You ever have Korea City duck?

Wait, Korea City's not a place.

And that was sad.

I'm sorry.

i love the lighting guy tried to jump in on that one yeah trying to help me thank you dumbass you kind of made it worse you kind of made it worse

wow how about goose have you ever eaten goose we talked to i ate every goose no but seriously no i don't like goose you don't like goose have you tried it um yes what kind of goose did you have oh my gosh it was a yellow goose oh yeah yeah it was chocolate oh chocolate goose chocolate yellow goose You ever have blue heron?

Blue heron?

Yes, I love it.

Wow, yeah.

What about flamingo?

Flamingo, never, no, is it a restaurant?

The other gay meat.

The other.

I mean, come on, flamingos.

They're pink.

What do they even sound like?

Quack, quack.

Wow, Red Band's been waiting a long time for a gay flamingo.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

Weirdly enough, that's what his mom was doing.

Oh, my dick last night.

Oh, seriously.

Baking that blanket.

Oh, shit.

Oh.

He has like a gagging kind of that weird bird kind of shit.

It was so weird.

Yes.

Oh.

She did do that, didn't she?

I'm sorry, Red Band.

I've been trying to be nicer, but when you kind of went after the sick kids, I was kind of fucked up.

Seriously.

You're very excited about this partnership with St.

Jude.

What are some of the ailments that these kids have?

Yeah, we're talking lymphoma.

We are talking brain cancers.

We're talking bone cancers.

We're talking

different kinds of blood cancer.

What's the real popular blood cancer?

Lymphoma.

No, but there's another one.

Oh.

What else is it?

Leukemia.

Leukemia.

Yeah.

A lot of leukemia.

How about, are there any more cancers that you could rattle off?

Shit, maybe a little skin cancer.

No, I have skin cancer right now, so I shouldn't say that.

What kind of skin cancer do you have?

Fuck, oh, my left arm skin cancer.

We're trying to get the party started here.

We're trying to get a little momentum.

I know.

You messed up with the duck thing?

I was trying to think of different Asian cities, Tony, but I didn't work.

What do you got?

Like melanoma on your arm, my guy?

Well, I don't know yet.

It's just an itchy pimple, and that's how the other one started.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you get a biopsied?

Not yet.

I'm scheduled to go in June.

Really?

Can I come?

If you want, I'd love to see you.

You'd be nice to me in there.

I need some support in there.

I get scared of it.

I'd love to go with you to your biopsy, my guy.

Okay.

Oh, what a treat.

Well, thank you.

Seriously, thank you.

You're very welcome because I'm not going to be there.

there.

Red Band laughed pretty hard at that.

I don't know if you caught that.

I thought I heard him.

I thought I heard him.

Yeah.

No, I'll be there, guy.

I'll be there.

Okay, thank you.

I'll go with you, my guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, incredible.

We'll do whatever we have to do.

If that itchy pimple turns out to be skin cancer,

I'll buy you a new pair of shoes.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

My favorite pair of Nikes well thank you absolutely now let me ask you this

let's say you do end up getting diagnosed with skin cancer and they say look we could treat you but the only place we could treat you is St.

Jude's Children's Hospital and unfortunately all the beds are filled right now and it turns out that your plan of rowing for the children backfired because you raised so much money for the kids rowing that there's no longer a bed available for you.

What would you say to the kids out there that have cancer at St.

Jude's?

I have made you motherfuckers $3 million since January.

I get it.

You have leukemia or something, but you're going to have to get out of the fucking bed.

My uncle lives in Memphis.

I have a dear uncle who lives in Memphis.

You can live in his pool house.

Live in the pool house because I get this bed.

I'm going to be the first adult ever to be

receiving the services at St.

Jude's Children's Research Hospital.

I will be the first adult.

So you have to leave little man and go to my fucking uncle's pool house.

And what if he says, please, sir, please, please stop saying that I really need this bed.

Keep him down.

What if he says, please stop?

I'm going to fucking get my knife out of my pocket and run it along his foot and say, I don't think you want this thing in your fucking foot, dude.

Get out of your bed, get into the wheelchair, get into my aunt's car, and go to my uncle's pool house because that's where you're gonna die, dumbass.

Absolutely perfect way to end tonight's episode.

This has been, believe it or not, the number one live comedy show in the world, Kill Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the silver goat, Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen?

Check out, of course, you probably already are, but make sure you check out the Harlan Highway, the funniest podcast out there, without a doubt.

Guest of the year, Harlan Williams, Reigning Defending.

Shout out to Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg for joining the band tonight.

One more time for D-Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Malayo, Carlos Sosa.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-Belt is in, it is, of Harlan Williams, and it is incredible.

Check that out.

That artist.

Looks a lot like Evil Knievel to me.

That is.

That's Evil Knievel.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight.

Ooh, a little Casey Rocket.

It's been a while since we've seen the sweet crap man.

Casey Rocket out there touring all around the world.

Business is booming.

Red Bam.

Check out the SunsetStripATX.com every Thursday Secret Show.

Love you guys.

Absolutely.

We will see you guys soon.

Madison Square Garden is still a few tickets remaining, and I'm doing stand-up the night before.

Me and some of your favorite characters on the show doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden.

I don't know if you guys know this, but last time I was there, I got into a little bit of trub trubs.

So it'll be fun to be back at my favorite arena in the world, the most famous arena in the world.

Tickets are on sale now, tonyhinchcliffe.com.

And yeah, that's about it.

Live audience.

Thank you guys.

We love you.

We'll see you guys soon.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.