#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get over Tony Hitchcliffe.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

All right.

And how about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, huh?

Come on,

Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Chorizo, Charlupa, Huevos Rancheros.

We got the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar tonight.

Lacking vitamin D.

Speaking of D, on the bass guitar, that is indeed D madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my goodness, what a show we have lined up for you guys on this beautiful Monday evening.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

What makes a great pair of glasses?

At Warby Parker, it's all the invisible extras without the extra cost.

Their designer quality frames start at $95, including prescription lenses, plus scratch-resistant, smudge-resistant, and anti-reflective coatings, and UV protection, and free adjustments for life.

To find your next pair of glasses, sunglasses, or contact lenses, or to find the Warby Parker store nearest you, head over to warbyparker.com.

That's warbyparker.com.

This This is Marshawn Lynch.

But on prize picks, being right can get you paid.

So I'm here to make sure you don't miss any of the action this football season.

With prize picks, it's good to be right.

With millions of members and billions of dollars awarded and winnings, Prize Picks is the best place to put your takes to the test.

The app is really simple to use and available in 40 plus states, including California, Texas, and Georgia.

Just pick two or more players across any sport, pick more or less on their projections, and if you're right, you can cash in.

With simple stats and fan-friendly policies, PrizePicks is the best place to make your picks.

Most importantly, they don't play about your paper.

All transactions on the apps are fast, safe, and secure.

Download the PrizePicks app today and use code Spotify to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

That's code Spotify to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

PrizePicks, it's good to be right.

Must be present in certain states.

Visit PrizePicks.com for restrictions and details.

I get so many headaches every month.

It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

Botox, autobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine.

It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month.

Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor.

Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk.

Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck, and injection, site pain, fatigue, and headache.

Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness.

Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Why wait?

Ask your doctor.

Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more.

more.

Here we go.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

This is Kill Tony brought to you by Express VPN, ZipRecruiter, Prize Picks, and Tocovas.

Every single week, I book two of the best guests humanly possible.

What I love about this show tonight is that this is a booking of two of my favorite guests of the year, two of my favorite guests, people that came through on the clutch for me when the entire world was against me immediately after a specific event event at Madison Square Garden that I did last year.

I don't bring it up very often, but I'm bringing it up now because a lot of people canceled that night.

A lot of people wanted to stay away.

And these two comedy fucking warriors are like, let's go.

Throw me in.

I'm down for you.

Even when it's dark, I'm down to play with Tony Hinchcliffe.

And they are back here with huge projects selling out around the country.

Two of my favorite comedians in the world.

Two of the best guests in Kill Tony history, including the first regular ever on this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for James McCann and Kim Congdon.

Yes.

Yes.

Kim, have a seat there.

James, come over here.

Stay right here, James.

Come over here.

There they are.

Two of the best.

James McCann is back.

Many people saying a front runner for guest of the year 2025.

Yeah, there's a lot of fellow autistic men out there looking after their own.

Very proud.

It's great to be back.

They love James McCann.

He's doing his first ever American tour.

That's right, Tony.

Get tickets.

Why are we doing Georgia?

We're doing other places too.

11 dates.

Is one of the best comedians around here at the mothership and all around the world, part of the Shane Gillis Philly somehow mafia, even though you're from Australia.

He found you.

He takes you around doing arenas all around the world.

Yes, he was so good to me at first.

I thought at some point he's going to try and fuck me.

And he never did.

That's true.

He never did.

He hasn't.

He's a good, he's actually a good man.

That's how I always felt about Rogan.

I'm still waiting for it at some point.

I've always been waiting.

I'm like, one day, there's got to be a reason here.

I mean, I know I'm good.

I know he sees me work hard, but at any point, he's just going to grab me by my waist and do whatever he wants with me.

And it never happened.

They're like, it can't be blowjobs

you son of

no

no

I did not invite you here to make jokes like that Kim

hello

Kim Congdon the first ever regular in kill Tony history writing and performing a new minute every week 12 fucking years ago back when barely anyone was watching and now you're a legend doing Brea and Oxnard May 14th, May 15th, KimCongdon.com, the Kim Congdon takeover.

So you guys know all about the show.

You guys are veterans of the game.

Over 200 human, innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket tonight.

I'm going to let this fucking little

red band fucking stunt man pull the first name.

This little fat boy.

Hell yeah

And like that it has begun while they go wrangle that comedian, when I pull their name, they get 60 seconds.

You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear,

which interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview and then we all talk to them together.

The whole thing's improvised.

Anything can happen.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Great!

Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted minute tonight is one of our favorite old-time, good old fucking golden ticket winners.

This guy, a legend, used to be a fucking fraudster on the streets and now Regularly doing spots with me on the road with the killers of kill Tony with his own things with Cam Patterson always working It is America's favorite uncle make some noise.

This is a new minute from David Jolly everybody.

Here we go

Hell yeah, it's been 21 months since I had a drink.

That's pretty fucking cool, right?

Hell yeah, hell yeah.

I had to do it cold turkey because I tried to do it like with the AA meetings at first.

But every time I went to an AA meeting, I needed a fucking drink.

Them people lies be miserable as hell, you know what I mean?

Like, goddamn, do it already, bitch.

Nobody gonna miss your ass.

It got to the point where I started going to the meetings and I just spiked the coffee.

You know what I mean?

Get you back to your regular self, you know?

Then it got so bad, I started coming to the meetings drunk as hell, you know.

I started coming to the meetings drunk, and they'll kick me out of the meetings.

And I'm like, fuck, you can't kick me out of this AA meeting, man.

I'm crying, it's a fucking cry for help right now, you know?

You can't kick me out of this AA meeting.

This isn't an AA meeting, it's a PTA meeting.

All right, that ain't go as good as I thought it was gonna go.

Hey, all right, that's my time.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

One of my favorite lines in all of comedy.

That didn't go as well as I thought it was going to go.

Yeah.

To be real, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

I love it.

David, that was a new minute.

This is true, honey.

You've been sober for 21 months.

Yeah, well, it's like July 12th or something.

I just had to figure a number out, and I can't count that well sometimes under pressure.

So it's like 21, 22, some shit like that.

It was Juneteenth.

It's been a.

No, I was drunk as fuck on Juneteenth.

Yeah, yeah.

What is a big day of celebration for you?

When do you tend to be happy?

You know, I mean, every day I wake up and be happy, man, because I'm alive, man.

You know, like, I got a good fucking life.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you do.

You feel me?

Like,

I'm doing real well.

You used to be a real troublemaker.

Does that side of you ever creep up?

Do you ever like get the urge to write a fake check or anything like that?

Well, no.

See,

what I do now is

a lot of people don't know about this, but

sometimes at night, me and Joe Rogan go dress up like Batman and beat the shit out of homeless people.

Wow.

Joe's out of the way.

We just

robbing, but it's spelt R-O-B-I-N apostrophe.

Yeah, you know, you know how to spell it, motherfucker.

That's it.

That's fucking it.

Hell yeah.

You're the riddler with a hard R.

With a hard R.

It's got to be a hard R, you know?

It ain't right without a hard R.

Absolutely.

Just like a hard dick.

Ain't that right, Tony?

Whoa.

I love both.

We love both.

What else is going on, David Jolly?

Shit, man.

I was in Portland this weekend.

That was pretty fucking cool.

Portland?

Portland.

Portland.

Oh, there you go.

Y'all understand what I'm saying?

That's a grocery store in this neighborhood.

Yeah, no, man.

Portland, Oregon.

That place is pretty cool, you know.

What's cool about it?

Shit, I was smoking weed, walking down the road, and shit.

Just the police walked by.

They didn't even bother me.

Wow.

Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in Portland.

No, they seen Cam first.

That's who shows you it was.

You know what I'm saying?

I was number two, but it was cool.

I seen a crackhead smoking like a crack pipe right in front of the courthouse.

It was crazy.

Because, you know, everything legal out there.

Was it a mirror?

Was there a mirror in front of you?

Hey, fuck you, Tony.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love you, man.

I know.

I went to Portland once, and it was the gayest homeless people I'd ever seen.

I don't want to.

It wasn't a whole lot of homeless people, though.

It wasn't that many where I was at.

Like, right there by the club.

Fenton might have.

Cleared that nouns or something.

Yeah, Portland's an absolute crazy fucking place.

It's terrible.

Yeah, it wasn't that bad where I was at.

I ain't really do no research.

You know, I ain't really like drive around looking for crackerheads and that, you know.

know.

Fun fact about Portland, my agent told me this.

It's a fun fact.

He thought that I would find it interesting last week.

He told me that there's a theater there that

books comedians that makes still, to this day, mandatory that you're vaccinated for COVID if you want to get into this theater.

So you could sit around a bunch of people that get sick five times a year.

Yeah,

but at least you...

feel like you did something.

I did that.

The other thing, they have like, what are they, the sign language lady?

Uh-huh.

And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady doing my set.

And halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people.

It's very liberal there.

It's very liberal.

I feel like the police in Portland lock their doors when they see black people.

Hey, the show, she was there on Saturday.

As soon as I got on the stage, I was like, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga.

She was just doing, she was doing all kinds of shit with her hands.

Wow.

She just stopped at a point.

She was calling the police and sign language.

Basically, basically that was going on.

Gang signs.

Incredible.

All right, David.

Well, way to get the show started.

You did it.

There's a few 50 seconds from David Jolly.

And it has begun.

Here we go.

All right, let me just say

we don't need to shake everybody's hand as we go off.

This is good that you did it with David.

You know, David, but it was an opportunity to do a cool black handshake together.

Let's see it.

Now I want to see it.

Let's do it.

Wow.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

All right, David.

There you go.

Appreciate it.

There you go.

There he goes, everybody.

David Chault.

Alright.

Oh, my God.

You know what that sound means.

The lovely Heidi has arrived.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

Old car horn indeed.

All right, your first bucket pull, people.

This is where it goes down.

This is where stars are born and idiots are found.

Anything can happen.

This is Kill Tony.

Your first bucket bull of the night is Joseph Paul Alampi, everybody.

Joseph Paul Alampe.

Here we go.

I would exterminate those bugs like I was in the party in the 1940s for room and board, of course.

That's a callback.

Okay.

Let's give it a round of applause for Mary.

Everybody, Mary, Mary!

Mary, Mary, Mary!

Oh, hi there.

Oh my god,

this is a different sort of ship.

Holy fuck, this guy.

I'm Mary.

Sometimes the aliens talk to me in my sleep or when I'm

awake, et cetera, et cetera.

And I'm all out of fucking tinfoil.

Wait, go back on the X.

Where's the X?

I don't know.

Is the X in my head?

Did I take any X?

Stop taking X because I think it's like in the psychic sphere or something.

My grandson, my grandson was also electrocuted.

I was electrocuted.

I'll break the fifth wall.

I love you, Tony.

Wow, shockingly, unbelievably, incredibly, unbelievably, shockingly bad.

I mean, just wow, nothing.

Kim Congdon.

Dude, when he came out, I swear to God, I thought it was Roseanne, and she finally got dementia.

He looks like the dude from that movie, Split.

It's Adam Gay.

Okay, Red Band, maybe put that fucking mic down permanently.

Lock it up.

Lock it up.

Okay.

You know, and Back to the Future, where Michael J.

Fox plays to his parents' generation?

Your kids are going to love that.

You're not ready for it yet.

But that's 20 years' time.

I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend.

I am so intrigued by how bad that was, Joseph, Paula, Lampy.

How long have you...

Over here, Joseph.

Look right at me.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

About a year.

Two years.

About a year.

Did you prepare anything?

It seemed like that was very improvised.

What do you have written down on your hand

I love talking to you now, this like real guy that's like, fuck, I fucked up.

Some dude in a wig that just like fucking bombed, man.

I love it.

It must be crazy to bomb in a mumu.

I'm a cuckoo in a moo-boo.

Okay, so you still definitely had nothing prepared.

I do.

Like, I feel like if I put that dress and a wig on any other dude in this room, they'd be like so much funnier than you, right?

That's all right.

Did you?

They didn't, Tony.

You know, it's like abstract art.

A four-year-old could do that, but they didn't.

He's out here taking chances.

That is true.

That's a

very, it was not a good one.

Very, but very positive, very positive analysis of what just happened here.

Yeah, but this is like one of those chances where you fuck a hooker with no condom and get a disease, you know?

Okay, all right.

So let's just, Joseph, stick with me over here.

Over here, Joseph.

You ready?

So you've been doing it a year.

Give me a joke that you prepared for tonight.

Like something that you would do.

Like where you're like, all I have to do is say this, like this, and this will work.

What was something that you had in your head, on your hand, written, anything?

What do you got there?

Because you didn't do any of that on your hand, did you?

Oh, my God, you have so much shit.

You have writing all over your hand, and you did nothing.

You said, wow, look, there's a band.

Can I read one?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let Joseph fucking say, what do you think the best joke well i just have stories or whatever like cat piss girl what does that mean so cat piss girl i didn't have sex i still haven't sex right now i haven't sex so i didn't have sex for like two years uh-huh and i moved to tampa uh-huh and so i was a you know i was talking to this girl outside for like like a half hour and i believe she was intoxicated

joseph yeah keep going okay sorry

you're so desperate for a laugh that like somebody sneezing in the crowd throws you off.

Like, oh, is that a laugh?

You're like pausing for shit.

There's nothing happening here.

You have to hit something for it to be funny.

So we went up to her room to fuck.

Uh-huh.

She starts blowing me.

Uh-huh.

Except the smell of ammonia

made my dick go soft.

Uh-huh.

And that was it.

That's this cap.

That is your child.

Jeff Pilesh.

That's your fucking one year in the game.

That's your number one go-to.

No real fucking.

Wow, it fucking hard.

Joseph Paul.

Oh my God.

How old are you?

50.

What?

Is that not a wig?

I thought that was a wig you're wearing.

Oh, my God.

It's Gary Busen.

Oh, my God.

Wow, for all of you seven-year-olds listening,

he looks like Bruce Willis now.

Wow.

You're not really 50.

You're not really 50, are you?

I'm sorry.

Are you really 50?

Yeah, 50.

Drink lots of water.

Listen to your grandmother.

Eat your vegetables.

You've got huge, full lips.

That's another one.

Yeah, I was made fun of for having huge lips as a kid.

Okay, what's that joke?

You heard it.

You said...

Nice.

Is that it?

You just have setups for your jokes.

Do you know that?

You haven't finished.

They used to call me Blowjob Boy.

Okay.

So whoever called you Blowjob Boy should be the one signing up for the show.

You see that?

Because they're kind of funny.

You're just repeating something that somebody called you once.

Okay, what do you do for work, 50-year-old?

I got laid off.

Okay, what did you used to do?

I was a security guard.

I was a personal trainer, a Tai Chi instructor.

I think Redband would benefit from me if you wanted to know.

How?

Personal trainer?

Is that what you're implying?

No, Mulu.

I would love to train Red Band.

It'll help him out.

Okay.

Whatever.

Jesus, Joseph.

Oh, God.

Do you have any crazy life streams?

I was electrocuted.

Uh-huh.

I believe that.

I definitely believe that.

There you go.

All right.

He's RoboCop.

He does look like PowerPoint.

Can we get a couple more references

from the 80s, please, Red Band?

Can we get perhaps another Gary Busey or Robocop reference?

What do you got?

There you go.

All right.

There it is.

There we go.

It's got a lot of energy tonight.

Is there any redeeming quality about you whatsoever?

You did nothing funny.

I like that it's kind of character-y, but you did fucking nothing.

You got electrocuted once, and people made fun of you.

What else?

Well, you don't want to hear how I got electrocuted?

If it's interesting, my guess is it was a fucking accident.

So I used to play outside of a deli and they didn't ground the ice box, the ice machine.

So I put my hand on the

one pole and the other pole and

that's it.

And then I did it again.

That's the story of you getting electrocuted.

This is the hardest.

Yeah, go ahead.

Fucking fuck me.

No, it's a fuck my ass, Tony.

No, no, no, no, no.

Stick with me.

Fuck me in the ass.

Stick with me, Joseph.

That's better.

That's better.

That's a character.

What about your big fucking blowjob lips?

Did they ever make fun of your big blowjob lips?

You have beautiful emerald eyes.

That's the...

See, you said it there at the end.

I have beautiful lips.

No, I said emerald eyes.

I was going to do it as Mary, but you know.

Shut the fuck up.

Joseph Paul Alampi.

There's something in there, man.

I see it, right?

You can kind of see it.

When he gets mad, you can kind of see it.

There might be a comedian inside of you.

Read another joke off your fucking hand.

Well, I went to an awful.

You've been doing this a year.

Hurry the fuck up.

Also, I keep getting angry at Tiny.

That was great.

If a tree falls in the woods, uh-huh, doesn't make a sound if nobody's there.

If I say the N-word

in the woods,

do ninjas start to fall out of the sky?

Because, you know, whatever the fuck I was.

Nothing makes any sense with you.

I gotta get you out of here, Joseph.

Jesus Christ.

you know what I don't think you get a little joke buck

Joseph Paula Lampy maybe next time sign up again Joseph James seriously do not fucking fist bump everybody that comes out here it's so annoying stop

it's fucking retarded what are you making friends are you networking here tonight it's a lonely city it's it's not

Another three-word name coming at you.

Ladies and gentlemen, another bucket pull.

Clearly, fucking anything can happen

clearly this show is not produced at all

what comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate one who comes when you call one who doesn't forget to lock the doors maybe one who doesn't steal your milk just a little bit at a time hoping that you won't notice at apartments.com they understand that when it comes to roommates a pet can be your best bet They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet.

And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

So, if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place.

Thanks apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Make some noise for Isaac Kane Brown.

Isaac Kane Brown.

I've been dating a girl recently with a pretty big red flag.

I think it's Chinese or something.

I'm not too sure.

I've been thinking I should be in the UFC.

The way I've been fighting these gay thoughts,

I think it's going to come down to a decision.

I think the black guy's going to win.

I don't know.

Have you guys ever noticed that veterans and trans people are a lot alike?

Like, you don't have to ask them, they'll tell you about it.

They have a hard time finding employment,

and sometimes they kill themselves.

Which is honestly just a burden off our shoulders.

Wow, Isaac Kane Brown

Completely saging the room of Joseph Paul Alampi.

Two comedians, six names in total.

Isaac Kane Brown, totally different guy.

No wigs, no dresses.

Jokes.

It's incredible what jokes do on this show.

Yes, sir.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Isaac Kane Brown?

A little over two years.

Two years.

Where at?

Started in Illinois, Peoria.

Okay, a lot of greats from Peoria.

Richard Pryor, Sam Kennison.

Yes, sir.

And Isaac Kane Brown.

What do you do for work?

I sell Yu-Gi-Oh!

cards.

James McCann has entered the chat.

That's some kind of like what?

Anybody?

Yeah, it's a training card guy.

I'm from Japan, but do you have to be in that store?

No, I just, I kind of like buy them and then sell them on eBay.

You're a shock.

Yeah, yeah.

I overcharge the shit out of them.

It works out great.

Wow.

There's a demand for that for Japanese playing cards.

Yeah, kind of.

Okay.

All right.

What do you do for fun?

Honestly, I get really high and then walk through the park and get scared.

That's kind of.

That's good.

At least you're walking and being real.

That makes sense.

Yeah, it makes sense.

It's scary.

There's a lot of people.

It is scary.

what scares you just the just the idea of being seen and oh no just like basic human interaction terrifies this shit out of me do people say hi to you when you're at the park yeah i just walk fast

hell yeah

how old are you i'm 28 28 absolutely selling japanese cards doing comedy and being scared in the park i love it What's your love life like?

Are you really dating a girl that has red flags?

I am.

I have recently started dating a girl that's been fun.

She's very sweet.

How long have you been in this relationship?

Four months.

Four months.

What does she do?

She's a dog groomer.

A dog groomer?

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

The eye contact's freaking me the fuck out.

I can't.

Ah, shit.

He's acknowledging my eyes tonight.

My emerald eyes, as Joseph Paul Alampe called them.

Whatever the fuck that means.

They're so blue.

They are so blue.

They are blue.

Shockingly, strikingly blue.

Dude, he is shaking like he just shot a buck.

You think my eyes are scary now?

Wait till you see me walking in the park at this point.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to find out what park you go to.

No.

And I'm just going to walk around waiting for you.

Oh, I hate every second of this.

Oh, this show's so crazy.

What a fucking difference one bucket pool makes for the next, huh?

This guy's just being honest up there saying he's scared.

I don't know what to do with my hands, dude.

Nobody really does.

If you figure it out, you let me know.

It is an interesting thing.

You can grab the stand, you can put them behind your back.

That's good.

Yeah, put them behind your back.

Oh, that's powerful.

Yeah, yeah, right.

All right, cool.

No one's rocking that one.

I've been thinking about doing that.

Wait, what?

I've been thinking about doing all my jugs like this.

Hey, everybody, I'm from Australia.

Oh, teacup over there.

That would be crazy.

This one, if you're a gay or a woman, that's an option.

Okay, yeah.

I'm neither of those, but yeah, keep going.

All right.

You could also hold the microphone.

Oh, the two hands?

Yeah, that's take it out with the microphone.

We know Red Band.

We know that they can hold the microphone, Red Band.

I love it.

So, Isaac Kane Brown, let me ask you, there's got to be something.

When you go to the park, you just walk with your shoes on and just fucking, you just, like, stay on, like, a path?

Do you cut through?

Do you go on grass?

You take a horse sometimes?

You have a little horse, a little miniature pony?

I try to start on the trail, but then people keep walking by and I'm like, ah, fuck, they're looking at me.

So I just, I walk straight through the middle of the park as fast as I can to my Uber.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

That is amazing.

I mean, how about at nighttime?

What do you do for fun at nighttime?

Eat go-gurt.

Honestly, I just try not to masturbate.

I love masturbating.

Absolutely incredible.

I want to give that one a fizz bump.

I want to celebrate that.

I want to.

You love it.

Oh, boy.

If you get out there on the the road as a stand-up comedian alone in those hotels, good luck, friend.

What do you like to masturbate to, Isaac Kane Brown?

You're the kind of guy that looks like you like jerking off to like memories.

I really just like the videos where the women are giving like words of encouragement.

Stop!

Stop!

He's gonna come!

Wow, there's a lot of white people here.

Is there one black guy here?

Yeah, I can't.

Of course there's a black guy.

Look, there's one right there.

Oh, do you guys like count them?

Because they're in the dark.

Oh, oh.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

They're so close.

Yes.

So, what kind of words of encouragement do these ladies say

that you're into?

Like, what's one that you've heard?

I've never even seen this before.

I get

good boy.

That's pretty.

Wow.

Yeah, you know.

I don't like this anymore.

Wow.

That is hard because

they're telling you you're a good boy, but you're doing a pretty dark and shameful thing.

Yeah.

And then you feel really good, and then you feel really bad.

You're trapped.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's very Catholic, yeah.

James McCann, our senior Catholic chorus.

Man, he's speaking my language.

I understand.

Well, Isaac Kane Brown, good news for you.

We're going to send you upstairs to go get seen by the talent booker of the comedy mothership at Amigot right now.

And you get a big joke, Buck.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

That has to be your worst nightmare.

I'd love to have you on the Secret Show too, Thursday.

And you get to do the Secret Show on Thursday.

Yeah, you go that way.

What other way would there be?

It's like this way?

This way towards where i came from

all right so there you go that's the two extremes of what can happen here on killtony it's basically the show's over we just have to kill time for another hour and a half but between those two guys that's what the show is some of it's fucking absolute hot diggity dog shit and we talk to those people and some of them are just naturally funny We'll see what happens next.

Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chad O, everybody.

Chado.

Thanks, guys.

I really needed that.

It's been a rough week.

My son, he came out to me as trans this week.

He said, Dad, I think I'd be happy if I was a woman.

I said, Son, I've never met a happy woman.

I almost recently died, also the last couple weeks.

I woke up in the hospital.

My wife was next to me crying.

I thought, well, this is the woman who's been there for me.

I finally got somebody, you know, I can be there for and trust.

And she's like, Chad, please don't die.

I can't get Hulu on the TV.

Yeah,

I have these, we have a lot of animals, but I have this one little girl dog who keeps on getting out of the fence every time I put her in the backyard.

And every time she does, she gets fucking pregnant.

Yeah.

So I've been putting a little plan B in her dog food.

I used to wake up and step in dog shit and be like really mad.

Now I wake up in the middle of the night and step in something.

I'm like, God, I hope that's dog shit.

That's a public passenger joke.

Chado.

Thank you.

There you go.

Welcome, Chado.

You've been on this show before.

Yeah, it's been a while, but yeah.

I feel like there's a huge improvement since the last time you were on the show am i correct you feel that yeah yeah huge have you been working hard oh yeah you know at least five nights a week you know yeah five nights a week and when's the last time you were on the show uh was september 11th uh 23.

wow that's if i remember you were so bad it's one of the worst things that ever happened on september 11th

this is proof I remember.

I remember looking at your face and body and being like, this guy's bad.

So it's just, it just goes to show, who knows, a few years from now, Joseph Paula Lampy could come back up here and crush.

And I'll be like, didn't you once suck up here?

Wow.

I appreciate you saying I crushed.

That's cool, man.

Thank you.

Okay.

All right.

Shadow, how old are you?

I'll be 44 this year.

And how long have you been on stand-up?

Three years now.

Right.

And what do you do for work?

I own a cannabis college.

A cannabis college.

Yeah.

Explain to us what that is.

I teach people how to work in the cannabis industry, Like, you know, good butt tenders, which they should know to recommend for certain elements, et cetera.

You look like you would be good at that job.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Professor.

Professor of Cannabis College.

I'm a professor.

Okay.

I bet that kills at the cannabis college.

It does.

All the students, crazy.

And some higher education.

Am I right, everybody?

Come on now.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, now, everybody.

I love it.

How do you start a cannabis college?

Can anybody do that?

Yeah, there's no record.

A website,

just a lot of marketing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A good, clear website.

An easy to spell, easy to know website.

Nothing like the way to get tickets for James McCann's USA tour, in which you would have to go to JDF McCann with two N's.com.

That's his website that he was in.

They're welcome.

M-C-C-A-N-N.

But it's JDF, not James McCann, not James McCann Comedy J D F so you could just guess a 10,000 times.

Once again, that's JDF McCann, M-double C-A-N-N.com, and then you have to click a couple things to get to the tickets.

Yeah.

But once you get there, it's great.

Yes.

Chado, what do you do for fun?

I just published a novel, a little psychological thriller.

Okay, what's it about?

It's about a female serial killer.

She's got OCD, but she gets her relief through her victims, you know.

Okay, so how does it end?

She walks away.

She just walks away.

That's the...

The happy ending to your novel is that the serial killer finds inner peace and doesn't have to kill her.

It's told from her point of view, so you see her whole life go through it, and you kind of want her to walk away from this point.

Yeah, because she's killing innocent people.

Yeah, yeah.

Is she killing innocent people or is there a specific type that she's killing?

Who doesn't deserve to fucking die at this point, right?

Well, all right.

I absolutely agree.

He looks a lot like my dad.

I really just have to say that.

Really?

Fucking weird, yeah.

I've been told I have dad dick.

Yeah.

No, that's not.

Wow.

That's not what I was saying.

Wow.

Look at this.

This facial

facially looks like your dad.

Yeah, kind of.

You also look like adult rock, but

adult rock as in the wrestler?

His kid rock if he ate.

Oh,

yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

But he does look like my dad.

It's weird.

Do you play music or anything?

No, I like that like this.

You just look like that.

You've just always looked like that.

And you can't play a single goddamn instrument.

I was prophesied that I was going to be a musician growing up in church, you know, churches.

So I tried every fucking thing.

I am not musically talented at all.

God was wrong on that one.

Okay.

And you have a girlfriend, Chad?

I've been married 25 years.

You're married 25 years.

What does she do for a living?

Now

she takes calls for UPS.

U-Haul.

U-Haul, sorry.

Okay.

Same thing.

How do you keep things interesting in the bedroom?

25 years.

How often are you guys having sex?

Once a month, once a week, once a month?

A couple times a week still?

Okay.

How does that go?

Is it normally at night, in the morning?

Usually the morning.

I'm kind of worn out at night.

I'm usually doing mics and shit.

She's, you know.

I get it.

She's asleep.

So what's your move?

you just when she's asleep you i close the door and lock it and

that's it she can't get out

rape ladies and gentlemen we just had a rape confession here because you got you got kids who are gonna be

but they're adult kids but they still live at home so it's kind of how adult are they uh in their 20s yeah how and how many still live at home well my daughter just moved in with her grandma but uh my son still lives in in his room how old's your son he's uh 23.

what's he doing with his life Fucking nothing.

What do you mean, fucking nothing?

You should fuck your wife louder.

Yeah.

That's what it takes.

Instead of locking the door, you should leave it open.

Yeah.

That should get him.

Jesus Christ.

That should get him out of there.

I agree.

Either that or he's going to come and start jerking off right inside the room, watching mom and dad go at it.

He's got pretty good bits.

Let me use that.

He sounds like a real do-nothing.

Does he have a job?

He got recently fired from pinballs.

How did he get fired from pinballs?

What do you have to do?

He was going to the bathroom too much.

He was hiding out in the bathroom.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay, so what's he going to do now?

In his defense, he has to jerk off every time he hears a click.

I've been taking him to a lot of interviews.

He's kind of visually impaired, so I have to drive him around.

Visually impaired.

Yeah, yeah.

What's wrong with his eyesight?

He's got a few things.

He's got the shaky eye thing, and he's got the degenerative thing where he can't...

It's losing his eyesight.

But he draws really good comics right now.

Have you thought about teaching him how to play bass guitar?

Yeah.

Yeah, but my talent has passed on.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

And the daughter lives with your grandma now?

Yeah, she couldn't put up with our shit because we were too strict.

So she moved in with grandma.

So she's living with grandma.

Yeah.

Getting banged out by black dudes at grandma's house.

Yeah.

Is that pretty much what's going on, you think?

No, she had a bad relationship here, and that's why she moved there, get away from that shit.

Where does grandma live?

Grandma lives in Oklahoma.

Wow, so she's kind of out there in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah, yeah.

She's, yeah.

And grandma.

Grandma's worse than Oklahoma.

Yeah, yeah.

I need to look after my daughter.

I'm going to send her to the 10 pregnancy capital of the world.

I actually love Oklahoma.

That's where we're from.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tulsa, man.

Oklahoma City is where I grew up.

Also,

I'm done with, that's all I know now about Oklahoma.

Tulsa, yeah, yeah.

That's a place called Tulsa in Oklahoma.

When you don't know, you don't have to.

All right, Trunt.

Are you Indian?

No.

Just the hair.

Okay.

You don't have to, like, if you don't know.

Yes, I know.

Yeah, you don't have to just make noise.

I mean, Red Band gets away with it every week, but you don't have to just, if you don't, if you don't have like a thing, you don't have to do anything.

Last time you were on, you got a little joke book?

I did.

Well, guess what, Chad?

Yeah,

This time, you're leaving with a big joke.

Thank you, guys.

Yeah.

There he goes, Chado, everyone.

We're having fun.

Look at this.

Episode.

Say hello to the next generation of Zendesk AI agents.

Built to deliver resolutions for everyone.

Zendesk AI agents easily deploy in minutes, not months, to resolve 30% of customer and employee interactions on day one, quickly turning monotonous tasks into autonomous solutions.

Loved by over 10,000 companies, Zendesk AI makes service teams more efficient, businesses run better, and your customers happier.

That's the Zendesk AI Effect.

Find out more at Zendesk.com.

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV Insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, pet injuries, and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.

We're moving on.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Zach Hollis, everyone.

Okay, there's Heidi again.

There's Heidi.

And here comes Zach Hollis, everyone.

The other day, my smartwatch notified me that I was having a fantastic workout.

I was taking a shit.

I don't think I could ever have a normal job because every time I tighten that tie, my dick gets hard.

I'm getting into BDSM lately, or at least that's what my girl tells the cops.

Sometimes I fantasize about orgies, so they don't let me near schools anymore.

I think I'm pretty good at flirting, but it's hard to tell between all their muffled screams, you know?

I don't like to waste leftovers, so I always eat the fetus afterwards.

Why do people fantasize about having a zombie apocalypse?

You could eat people right now.

Like, you don't have to wait, man.

All right, I think that's probably about my time.

Just a bunch of creepy bullshit.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's really...

Frightening Kim Congdon.

I've never seen a comedian do nun liners.

Yeah.

It is almost impressive.

A lot of good topics, a lot of good premises, and just a fun show.

You know, it's a short amount of time, so I was really trying to squeeze what I could in there.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, it's not much.

I'll give it.

It is the same amount of time that everybody's always gotten on this show.

Okay, how long you been doing stand-up?

About two years now.

Where at?

All around town, Roscoe's, Kickbud.

So Austin is the answer.

What do you do for work?

Right now I'm a karaoke DJ on the weekends.

Ooh, a karaoke DJ.

Tell us about that.

What is that like?

Oh, it's awful, man.

They're always trying to skip the line, bullshit around.

Yeah.

Do they offer you money?

Do you every week?

Yeah, they try to bribe their way on stage.

Like the worst excuse I've had was I'm dying of cancer.

Wow.

Did you let them cut the line?

No, of course.

Do you remember what song they wanted to do?

No, it was a while ago.

Okay.

Well,

very incredible stuff.

Karaoke DJ.

Nothing else about it?

I mean, I'm doing DoorDash on the weekends, or I'm doing DoorDash in between doing DJ stuff.

When you say you're doing DoorDash, does that mean you're ordering it clearly?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, as much as I can, you know, I'm...

What do you like to eat?

You are shaped a specific way.

I mean, I love a good burger, you know?

It's always nice.

You are shaped like a bee.

Yeah.

They used to call me a bear in college because I'm so damn hairy.

Okay.

All right.

Not in a good gay way, just

insulting.

I was going to say, I don't think that's what that means.

What do you do for fun, Zach?

For fun?

I'm big into video games.

Yeah, I'm addicted to them.

I love it.

Yeah?

What video games?

I'm playing a new one, Claire Obscure, that came out this week.

It's amazing.

What's that like?

What do you do on that game?

It's an RPG.

It's turn-based.

Big budget story.

It's really nice.

I like it a lot.

So interesting.

What's your love life like?

My love life, me and my girl bought a house about four months ago.

Okay.

Nice.

Headed towards marriage eventually.

We'll see.

I love it.

How can you afford a house?

Who the hell knows?

I worked hard before that, but now I'm trying to get into comedy.

So, you know.

What did you do before that?

I used to repair restaurants.

Okay.

Yeah.

Worked with power tools.

All right.

Nice.

And you saved money doing that?

Yeah, a good bit, yeah.

And now you have a house.

Yeah.

One bedroom, two bedroom?

It's a three-bedroom?

Yeah.

Three-bedroom.

Wow, incredible.

Absolutely amazing.

What are you doing with all those bedrooms?

Shh.

I mean, got my computer in one, got the dogs in the other, and then we stay in the last one, you know?

Computer in one, dogs in the other.

How many dogs do you have?

We have two, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

And what do they do in that room?

Mostly shit on the floor.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

A bunch of disgusting fucks today so far.

Pulled out of the bucket.

This is incredible.

Just people,

fucking girls whose places smell like cat piss.

There's guys with floors filled with shit.

Yo, he's not walking them.

No, I mean, that's fair.

Yeah.

My goodness.

So, Zach, what's your house payment like?

Oh, it's pretty bad.

It's like 2,000 before bills and everything on top of that.

2,000 before bills.

How much money do you have?

Not enough.

I'll tell you that much.

It's getting scary.

Quick.

Give us a ballpark.

Maybe like $10K in the bank.

I don't know.

$10K in the bank.

We're going at $2K a month.

How much money is the wife making?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

I've never asked her that direct question.

She's definitely the breadwinner right now.

Well, you look like the bread eater.

Yeah, I am.

My goodness.

And what does she do again?

She works for a nursing certification board, so she certifies nurses.

That's like a real job.

Yeah, apparently.

And she's fully supportive of you chasing your dreams.

She loves it.

Yeah, she's super excited for it.

Does she come to your shows sometimes?

When working afford, obviously our schedules don't really align.

And how long have you been with her?

Like three, four years now.

Okay.

How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

They're probably not, honestly.

How often are you guys having sex?

I don't know.

Maybe like three times a week, maybe?

Three times a week.

That's pretty good for a guy built like you.

What does she do that turns you on?

You end this something?

She likes to insult me a lot and beat me down.

Oh, hell yeah.

Looks like I could fuck you very easily.

All right.

Well.

What is it?

Zach Hollis.

Yeah.

Congratulations, buddy.

There's a little joke book.

Next time I would say take your time and fucking pick your...

Pick your favorite jokes and commit to them.

Instead of rushing through it, there goes Zach Hollis, everybody.

Starting a little fire during the show here.

It's like

a little tiny fire.

Little tiny fire on Kiltoni.

All right, let's get another bucket pull up here.

This looks like an interesting name.

You guys having fun out there?

Let's meet another one.

This one goes by the name of Tommy Tickles, everybody.

Tommy Tickles.

Hey, we know Tommy.

It's the return of Tommy Tickles, everybody.

They say that opposites attract.

If opposites really did attract, then my wife really

wouldn't have a penis.

I'm always broke, looking for new ways to make money.

Last week I took an ad out in the back of a men's magazine offering $50 blowjobs.

Now I just got to get my wife on board.

I've written several books,

nine different ways to skin a cat.

You gotta skin it if you're gonna eat it.

I've been married 13 years.

And the next book I wrote, I dedicated to my wife,

101 Ways to Kill Your Wife.

That book was quickly followed by a sequel, 101 Things to Do in Prison.

Okay, Tommy Tickles.

Look at you.

You're back.

I remember you.

Yes, sir.

I came back

here right at Christmas time.

I remember you.

How could I forget you?

You're like a little fucking, you're like a mouse.

Well,

you're a dormer.

You're a farmer, rancher.

Yeah, you're a farmer and a rancher.

And where is that again?

Other side of Fredericksburg, about two and a half hours away.

Okay, you have your own little property out there.

That's right.

Hell yeah.

Look at him.

Such a if anybody needs to bury your body, my Instagram account is TommyTickles2025.

Okay, Tommy Tickles2025.

This guy's trying to make money disposing of bodies live here on Kiltoni.

I'm trying to start a pet cemetery.

Okay.

Wow, everybody tonight is frightening out of the bucket.

I don't know if anybody's keeping track of that.

I'm pretty sure that everyone pulled out of the bucket tonight has made a joke about eating either humans or an animal.

Dude, take that notice.

I'll just sit on the end again.

Yeah, it's scary.

It's okay.

Tommy will just bury you on his property for $50.

That's all.

What is there to be scared of?

If you have a pet, that you need to bury a pet?

I'm less scared of the murder and more scared of the tickles, to be honest.

Tommy tickles.

If your pet's not dead yet, I'll knock 50 bucks off off if you let me kill it.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Tommy, you're a wild boy.

Tommy Tickles, how old are you?

I'm 50.

50 years old.

50.

Take note that Tommy is the same age as the first comedian.

You never stop dreaming.

Oh, and you.

Red Band's also 50.

Tommy Tickles, absolutely incredible.

I'm looking better.

Yeah,

you're looking good, Tommy Tickles.

You're in good shape.

Last time you let me roast you.

I did?

You ready?

Okay, yes.

Go ahead, Tommy Tickles.

I'm ready for more, Tommy Tickles.

Rancher.com recently listed.

Hold on, wait, wait, wait.

What is that?

You're about to find it.

Oh, okay, go ahead, Tommy Tickles.

Rancher.com just listed, ranked its top comedians of all time.

Ron White was...

ranked at number 14.

Joe Rogan came in at number 89.

Tony Hinchcliffe comes in his pants every time he sees Ron White and Joe Rogan.

That's a very good one, Tommy Turkeles.

That's very good.

That's every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

I come in my pants when I see two of my good friends, Ron White and Joe Rogan.

Give me another one, Tommy.

Roast me, buddy.

You're Snow White's eighth dwarf.

Okay, I'm 5'9, but all right, Tommy.

I guess I'm a fucking dwarf, even though I'm taller than you, you old f ⁇ .

Jesus Christ.

Piece of shit.

You're a very good-looking guy.

Some might say you're easy on the eyes.

Yeah, emerald.

Because there's no eyes in the word.

Because there's no eyes in the word.

Okay, very good.

That's two f ⁇ ks.

We literally, by the way, it's funny, we have a new job we had to make today.

We have two people now.

A fun fact about the backbone behind the scenes of Kill Tony.

We don't really reveal stuff often, but

we had to hire two people to keep track of every time we say the word f ⁇ on the show.

Because if we accidentally miss it and it goes on YouTube, it gets completely demonetized, therefore wasting an unbelievable amount of money.

Who are these f ⁇ s working at YouTube?

That's right.

It turns out it's a computer now.

They have a computer, and it takes us two humans to compete with their computer because somehow they will find a

in an episode there's nothing you could do to hide

all right you also have a very nasal voice like uh when you get stuck in traffic they call it nasal congestion okay there you go tommy i swear to god you make fun of me one more time i'm gonna fuck the shit out of you okay

here we go tommy you live out in the country what's it what's some crazy shit that goes on out there?

Like, you ever have someone, like, fucking run out of fuel and come up and, like, or anything, like, knock on your door?

You have guns?

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I love country people.

I love it.

How many guns do you have, Tommy?

I don't count.

A lot of them are inherited, you know, like passed down.

Uh-huh.

So we just have, you know, guns for just doing what guns are supposed to be used for, you know.

Yeah.

What do you use the guns for?

If you need your pet killed, you go to Tommy Tickles 2020.

Are you out there killing pets?

When's the last time you killed a pet?

No, I don't kill pets.

Do you have any pets?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got what kind of pets do you have?

I've got a boxer dog, a great white pyrenees.

We've got llamas.

Three black guys.

What do you do with the llamas?

What do they do?

They protect sheep and goats from coyotes.

Wow.

So if a coyote comes, a llama, what does the llama do?

They'll chase them off like a...

They chase off...

Coyotes are scared of llamas.

Yeah.

Can't a coyote kind of fuck up a llama?

No?

Yeah, I guess so if they...

If they ganged up on them, he could.

But normally, the best thing about a llama is the scent that they put off.

So it kind of smells like a horse or a mule, mule and the coyotes don't like that either so just having them around uh protects the babies from even other critters like uh raccoons and fox wow i could just

talk about this we just had a baby baby llama wow it's incredible tell us more what it's like out there on the ranch of tommy tickles what else could what else could one expect if you ran

if we were

If we drove up on your property, what would be some things that we saw or would recognize out there?

It looks like a a circus.

There's just a mass of chickens, and

we bottle baby a lot of animals that come in from other ranches.

And

if they have a problem, they can bring it to us.

And, you know, we've got a few tricks to where we can keep the babies alive.

And so

right now my wife's bottle baby bottle feeding 19 different

little baby goats and sheep.

19 baby goats and sheep?

Oh my gosh.

It's a full chickens.

Bottles.

Lots of bottles.

This is absolutely incredible.

And now they think that they are your best friend.

And they kind of think that they're human.

And my wife is about the same way.

She treats them way better than she treats me.

She's fucking them.

Look at the smile on your face.

Always comes up.

It's incredible.

All these other people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight up here trying to keep it together.

They seem so stressed out.

And then Tommy Tickles drives out from the countryside, having the time of his life, happy to be here.

You got like an old-timey pickup truck, don't you?

I know.

All right, well, what is it?

Chevy

Silverado, 2,500.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

So, yeah, because you use it for shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Negative.

Putting haystacks in it and whatnot.

Hay and

heavy equipment.

I know a lot about ranching.

Yeah.

Sometimes you got to throw a haystack in the old pickup truck, you know?

Red Rand knows a lot about blue cheese and...

That's true.

That's a salad dressing joke.

Ranch and blue cheese.

You shouldn't really record all this stuff that's going on in your ranch, though.

Like, that's so popular on TikTok and YouTube.

Have you ever thought about it?

I do my stand-ups hit in front of my little

animals.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

No, I'm.

Hold on.

You're doing stand-up to the guts?

Yeah, yeah.

No shit.

You're doing kid-friendly stand-up on the table.

My goat ate my homework, really.

It ate half my notes one day.

Really good jokes.

What's that goat's name?

Clown face.

Clown face.

Oh, my God.

This guy's adorable.

I would watch your reality show.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's a circus.

It's worth watching if I ever get around to it.

Sure.

Wow.

This is absolutely incredible.

What were you about to say just then?

You and Red Ben remind me of IHOP signature dish.

Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity.

Okay.

You know what?

Here I am being nice.

I'm being a nice guy, saying I'm more interested in your life.

I'd watch a reality show.

And then here you are insulting me.

I have watched your roasts on YouTube.

Uh-huh.

And there's nothing that I could say that

would come close to how good you do your roast, but you're also kind of evil so

i don't really feel bad about this reputation of mine that people think i help more people than any i treat these bucket pools like you treat farm animals i give them all a chance sometimes i

psychologically bottle feed them

Tommy, I've been asking people this question.

How long have you been with your wife?

13 years.

How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Oh, she keeps things exciting.

Okay.

Give us a little bit of that.

What do you mean by that exactly?

Sometimes I don't know if she's going to cut me or fuck me.

I think she's the girl from his novel.

She's exciting.

So can you give us an example of a time in which you didn't know whether you were going to get cut or fucked?

Like, what do you mean by that exactly?

She storms in or something or what happens exactly?

She said something one day and we were sitting in the truck and I said, oh, you want to drive?

And I threw the keys in her direction and it accidentally hit her.

And she got out of the truck and she started running away and I was like, oh shit, I better catch her.

So I was going to catch her, but she kept on running further and further away.

And it's real soft dirt out there or whatever.

So I had to tackle her.

She keyed my truck.

And then it was all, it was better after that, you know.

Not the domestic abuse at the tickle farm.

Yeah.

I thought it was going to end in you guys fucking.

I didn't realize it was going to be a...

Yeah, then things got exciting.

You guys had makeup sex right after that?

Very passionate, this woman.

Wow.

Was it in the truck or did you guys

back when you got back home?

At the circus, yeah, right, absolutely.

Wow, hell yeah.

Well, Tommy Tickles, the last time you were on, did you get a big joke book?

Yes, I did.

Would you sign it?

Okay, yeah, I'll sign it.

I'll sign it.

Okay, yeah, I'll sign it.

If you want me to do it now, yeah.

Adorable.

There you go, Tommy Tickles.

That's for you, buddy.

Congratulations.

There you go.

Tommy Tickles, everybody.

I bet he's an interesting, uh

interesting follow.

I want to see what's going on on that fucking ranch.

I want to see with my own eyes.

Honey punches the votes la forma perfecto depezado de la conto familia.

Cono ju las crucientes and elberada los niños de es encanta.

Ademas delicos trosos de granola neses y fruta.

'Cause que todos vana disbrutal.

Honey punchos devotes para todos.

Today alban para sabermás.

At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments, it's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Visit blinds.com now for up to 45% off with minimum purchase, plus a professional measure at no cost.

Rules and restrictions apply.

Okay, we're gonna break things up here for a second as I introduce one of the newest golden ticket winners on this show.

I'm getting this guy on back-to-back weeks because he has to go back to Toronto and be a

very Asian man in Toronto soon, and he's gonna be there for months.

So here he is before he leaves Austin, Texas, with a brand new minute.

This is Kansai Yasuda.

Thank you, thank you.

Hi guys.

I used to date with this girl, beautiful girl,

and

after we did it for one month, she dumped me

and I was devastated.

I was sad because she didn't tell me a reason why.

So I went up to Facebook and see what was going on in her life.

Turns out she used to date with this huge

black masculine man.

And after dumping me, she's back with this huge, same black masculine man again.

And do you guys eat sushi?

Yeah.

Do you guys know there's the reason why there's a little ginger right next to sushi?

Yeah, it's a palate cleanser.

Yeah.

So this bitch used me for poly cleanser

because she didn't want to eat big black tuna

twice in a low.

You know, she

has to eat pickle ginger peanut in between.

Thank you.

Kansai

Suda.

Hello.

Hi.

Wow.

Hi, Tony.

Hello, Kansai.

Hello.

One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show.

You're so stoic.

You're so Asian.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You've been in Austin for a couple weeks now.

How's it been going for you?

It's amazing.

I got, I'm living with a black roommate right now.

You're living with a black roommate?

Yeah.

Okay, what is that like for you?

Well, he's wearing his clothes.

You look like George Talkies.

What?

George Talkies.

George Talkies.

What do you think that means, Kansai?

George Talkies?

If you get it right, I'll give you a million dollars.

George talkies.

Kim, you idiot, I just offered him a million dollars.

Silly bitch.

Just out here like explaining with many words.

Blackman?

That is correct.

Black man.

Breckman.

There you go.

You just want a million dollars.

Yes.

Okay.

So what's it like having a black roommate?

It's very new culture to me.

Yeah, explain exactly what you mean.

What is different about the black culture than what you're used to in both Canada and Japan?

It's a

he every day he chases

he wants to chase holes.

That's what

chases what?

Chases chase holes.

That's that's

holes, hoes, hoes, hoes,

Chases hoe every day and

I'm

I'm like tired because you're tired because he's bringing them home and they're making noise making so much noise

and you can't you can't sleep at night.

There's so much noise.

I go out

I just go outside and then go to library or like, you know, just go to coffee shop and then

write

right, right?

See, a Japanese man knows he doesn't have to chase the hoes, you know.

You stand next to them on public transport and you grab.

That's the

you, I know it's a beautiful part of your culture.

Yeah, big fan.

Yeah, we tap that ass in a

train.

So you had a black roommate, but now you're about to head back to Canada this week.

Am I correct?

Yes.

So what is he going to do now that his roommate is leaving?

Well,

he's going to

chase some holes again.

Right.

Yeah, but how's he going to...

Aren't you helping pay rent?

Oh, no, no, he's just letting me stay.

So

really?

Yeah.

All right.

Wow.

This is Trump's America, everybody, to where young black men can support having an immigrant on their couch.

Who would have thought the economy would be so good, so fast?

Me.

I did.

I thought that's a go.

All right.

Kansai Yasuda, give us something else.

What have you been doing for fun here in Austin?

We know that you're working hard.

We know that you do a lot of spots.

You're a draw.

People are booking you on their shows, especially since you have this new Kiltoni fame, the bump.

The bump, the bump,

Hans Kim, yes, took me to his tour.

Oh, yeah,

wow, look at that!

Yeah, uh-huh.

We went to I went to his house,

yeah,

and two fat cat

he had

what two fat cat two fat cats, yeah, uh-huh, One's really gay.

Very good.

Okay.

And then.

Uh-huh.

So what did you guys do with the two-fat cat?

Just tried to not eat them the entire time?

It was difficult.

But yeah, that was yeah, two fat cat.

And then

we pray Mario Brothers.

Ah, God, that is so Asian.

just two asian guys playing mari playing a nintendo

oh you like a nintendo too yeah i like a nintendo

oh there's a fatakata

fatakata and nintendo who you gonna be i'll be a luigi

i'm going to be the princess

Oh, I'm gonna switch.

I'm gonna be a toad store.

All right.

What character are you on Mario at?

waruigi waruigi oh very good

waluigi

well why do you go with waluigi well it's

yeah it

waruigi looks like

what we looks like tony a little bit oh you are you making fun of me everyone's taking shots

All I do is help everybody and everybody comes up.

This lady's shooting imaginary guns at me.

This lady in the the front row is like,

What the fuck is going on here?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

fireballs!

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, now you want to cheer.

All right.

Kansai Yasuda, we're going to miss you so much.

Have you guys seen Kansai around town?

I've never seen you before.

I think you're great.

He really is.

I've seen a few of them.

Are you excited to go back home to Toronto and sit around and eat ramen every day?

I want to eat ramen every day here.

You eat ramen every day here too?

I eat ramen, the Korean ramen.

The Korean ramen.

Yeah, I cook it with my black friend.

Whoa.

What's in the ramen?

Sausage.

sausage?

Sausage.

Sausage?

Wow, I lived 40 fucking years.

I never heard it called that.

Sausage.

Sausage.

God damn.

That is fucking sausage.

Sausage.

Wow.

Sausage.

Sausage.

Sausage.

Try it like this.

Try it like this.

Go.

Sausage.

I eat sausage.

I love sausage.

I love ramen.

Sig.

Sausage.

Try sig.

I love sage.

Just say sig.

Sig.

Sig.

Sig.

No, no.

No, you don't have to make it Italian.

You don't have to make it Italian.

Just because I extra Asian everything with you doesn't mean you need to Italian it with me.

So try this.

Just watch me.

Watch me go sig.

Sig.

Now go

now go sausage.

Sausage.

Nah, you're still a little sage.

You're trying to make it an A.

Let's stick with an I here, even though it is an A and a U, but it sounds like an I.

Sausage.

No, no, not sausage.

Sausage.

Let's try it one more time.

Watch me, watch me.

Sig, sig, sausage.

Sausage.

Do it.

Do it.

It's a noise in the end.

Sausage.

No, it just

craps.

It's so Asian.

Sausage.

You can't make it.

My eyes are getting smaller.

So Sia.

It's hot.

Okay, let's try it in a full sentence.

Waluigi ate lots of sausage.

Waluigi ate a lot of sausage.

God damn it, Kansai Yasuda.

We love you, Kansai.

You're killing it.

Enjoy Canada.

We'll see you soon.

Thank you.

One of the top Young Rising stars on the show.

That is indeed Kansai Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, we're gonna keep what?

Yeah, he's great.

Right.

Yeah, we love him.

We love Kansai Yasuda.

All right, your next bucket pull.

This looks like a new name.

60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

Going to Alex Tartun.

Alex Tartun.

So I'm not transgender

right now.

But I am thinking about it.

So I might be a trans later.

I'm actually kind of odd.

I'm odd like an eight ball.

I'm even, black.

I'm even black.

I got this odd problem I'm trying to figure out.

So there's three planes that depart from a Boston airport within a 20-minute window and collide with a building each.

Now if X represents the plane that hit the Pentagon,

I'm trying to solve for why the government won't show me the footage.

20 years still figuring it out, you know?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

58 seconds from Alex Tartun.

Am I saying that correctly?

Tartun?

Tarshun.

Tarshun.

Okay, what ethnicity are you exactly?

I'm African and Italian.

Wow.

A lot of Sicilian in there, too.

Okay.

All right.

African and Italian.

That's the accent the last guy was doing.

That's great.

What do you mean?

Sausage.

Sausage.

Sausage.

Sausage.

Alex, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

About 11 years.

Wow.

11 years.

Where at?

Mostly New York.

Okay.

A little bit of Portland.

Didn't Didn't work out well.

Right.

Okay.

How did you end up in New York?

Is that where you're from?

Oh, yeah, I'm from Westchester.

Okay.

All right.

And you live here now?

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

What made you move here?

This, baby.

Okay, baby.

Jesus Christ.

Those eyes, dude.

It's just the old emerald eyes of Tony Hinchcliffe.

That's my new nickname.

Emerald Eyes.

Okay, look at you.

I mean, holy shit.

You look like you would be the first pick in the garbage man draft.

It is just incredible what's happening here.

Well, you know what?

I've been trying to sign up for a while, and I keep trying different things.

Like, I actually just gave up on socks completely.

Hold on a second.

I'm going to need a second here, everybody.

You're saying that you've been signing up for the show for a while, and you haven't been getting pulled randomly out of the bucket.

And you think that doing different things, for example, not wearing socks, would help make you lucky enough to get pulled out of the the bucket.

Well,

I kept wearing like pants

and like clothes and stuff, and I was like, you know what?

It's not working.

You can't argue with results.

This man is here.

The system works.

There's going to be fucking 65 people that stop wearing socks next week because of this fucking moment right here.

Wow.

What are some other things that you did to help your life?

How many weeks have you signed up?

This is a question that I always wanted to ask people more.

I should do

it's been about like 20 months.

20 months in a row.

Yeah.

And every Monday you sign up and you don't get pulled out of the bucket.

And then this is the first week that you go, what do I

do?

Pretty sweet to get out of there.

I'm going to stop wearing socks and look at you now.

Wow.

Do you always wear the

do rag on your head?

Yeah, usually I like to wear a hat for like that big like I'm black reveal.

You know?

We can see your hair

it is incredible because you don't really seem black or Italian I guess when blacks and Italians made it just comes out Persian prince or something like that

his smoke detector just goes off whenever he makes spaghetti

I'm actually second generation inbred

Explain to us exactly what you mean.

Alright, so I don't know if you can see it from here, but I got this mini pinky.

Oh yes, we can

warn people before that happens.

D-Madness saw that little pinky.

That is unbelievable.

That is the most random thing to say.

He's like, well, I don't know if you could see it from there, but I have a very tiny pinky.

It's like a blatant thing.

Anybody from any distance can notice that you have a shockingly small pinky.

That is amazing.

I love the presentation of your small pinky, and you're saying that this is because family members above you, your ancestors were fucking one another.

Yeah, so like my dad's parents were related, but like not my parents.

Is that the black or the Italian side?

No, on the black side.

What?

Pinky, sorry.

What?

Well, technically, most Sicilians are kind of, you know, because it's an island.

You know, so it's a lot of, you know.

My only problem is the pinky.

Trust me, it's just the pinky.

Very suspicious.

I don't think anyone's believing that.

Now that you say it, no one's believing it.

So, are there you have brothers and sisters?

Four.

Three brothers, one sister.

I think I got eight dogs, too.

Do they have some things wrong with them?

My younger brother's on steroids.

That's not, that's not, that's not that.

He's trying to grow his pinky.

Do they have anything wrong with them?

Just one's on steroids?

What is he doing?

Why is he on steroids?

Well, he's got like body dysmorphia.

And he thinks that's going to win

his girlfriend back or something.

Ooh.

Wow, that is a ruthless thing to say on this show.

Do you and your brother not get along?

No, we're good friends.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like?

You know.

I got my best friends, Adam J and then Andrew Garino.

Just want to shout them them out.

Love those guys.

Don't do that.

Sorry.

Don't do that.

We're going to bleep those out.

I promised them.

Because we bleep f ⁇ s on this show now.

What are we at?

Seven?

Nine if we count your little buddies.

All right.

Alex Tashoon.

I got eight dogs, too.

You have eight dogs?

Yep.

What?

What?

You live here?

Yeah.

By yourself?

Yeah.

And you have eight dogs.

Are they all outside?

No, they're indoors.

You have eight indoor dogs.

Okay.

If you want to get rid of any of them, I know a farmer.

Oh, well.

Okay.

All right.

That is true.

Tommy Tickles, you just inherited eight new dogs.

Why do you have eight dogs?

Explain to us how this happens.

So the crazy thing is, I just left my two dogs alone for a while.

And then they just like...

I thought my little dog was just getting fat.

Do the new dogs, do they all have tiny pinkies?

No, they're great, though.

They're cool.

They're really sweet.

So you left your two dogs alone, unneutored, unspayed.

They fucked.

Did some of the puppies die?

No, I got all of them, all six.

Wow.

So now, how long ago did that happen?

About almost seven weeks.

Seven weeks.

So you have seven-week-old puppies?

Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Are you trying, you're just keeping them?

You're going to keep them.

So I have to get like emotional service, like it's like a doctor's note for eight dogs because you can't have more than like, you can't have more than like five dogs in Austin

go ahead James McCain what you're gonna try and take eight emotional support dogs on a jet what are you talking about have you seen this guy's pinky he needs it

he's got a nibble down the rest of the fingers with wild dogs

you need you need the government to approve having more than five dogs yeah or you need to have Trump's gonna ship these things to El Salvador that's what's going on

this is a new era we're living in buddy no breaking the rules with this new federal government.

What kind of dogs are they?

It's mostly Pitple.

All right.

That's the black side.

That is.

I know what he's doing with these eight dogs, okay?

So you're teaching them how to fight?

Well, one of them bit the other one's tail today.

So apparently something called littermate syndrome, where they're just automatically going to start fighting.

Because you're not normally like, normally people don't keep their dogs together like that.

You don't even need to train them.

Look at that.

You start filming it for TikTok.

You make the ultimate fight of it for dogs.

You see which one's got some fight in it.

That's the one you keep.

You send the rest to the farm.

Are you got really?

Are you proud of the one that bit the other one?

Is that your favorite one now?

My favorite one's Porky.

Okay.

Why is

Porky your favorite?

Porky was the

only brown one.

Everyone else is black.

Okay.

Some weird racism.

I guess you can get away with it.

50% of the time.

Yeah,

the hard part about my blackness is like nobody believes me.

Right.

I agree.

I could see why.

It makes sense.

What do you do for work?

I do Jets pizza delivery on South Lamar.

Wow, you were expecting the crowd to go wild.

Red Band, you've tried this pizza?

Our senior pizza, my favorite pizza.

Really?

Yeah, it's really good.

Wow.

You got to get the crust with all this shit on.

We're giving away free pizzas.

How are you doing that?

Explain to us what.

I talked to my boss.

He said if I got on, we'd give away free pizzas.

Okay.

What's the...

Normally when someone comes up with a promotion plan like that, they would say where or when the free pizzas would happen.

If you don't wear socks.

Just show up to South Lamar Jets Peach and ask for a big win.

Is that you?

That's my boss, Mr.

Wynn.

Wow.

Now, what do you think this guy's going to do when he gets absolutely overwhelmed with people saying hey, I'm here from the Kill Tony guy?

He said that I'd get a free pizza.

What do you think is going to happen?

I'm just hoping for a big big delivery.

A lot of tips.

Hell yeah.

By tip, you mean to your finger?

Well, um

Well, personally

I'm going off the rails.

I'm losing it.

You're doing just fine.

You're doing great.

On paper, you are the best interviewee ever.

Yeah, you're doing great.

You're a black Italian cripple with too many dogs.

It's true.

I take the stats here.

I got it written down here.

Tarshoon, I spelled it.

I misspelled it, how it's pronounced.

11 years, African Italian, New York, Westchester, Little Pinky.

Productive process.

I mean, you're chicken, a lot of boxes.

Eight dogs.

So here's a big question for you.

All right.

I specialize in different cultures and stereotypes.

That's my bread and butter.

And now, I happen to know for a fact, a half black, half Italian is someone that loves women.

Yeah.

Right?

You do.

It's a problem.

It's a problem.

Let's talk about that problem.

Go ahead.

Tell us why it's a problem, how it's a problem, some things that have come up in your life.

You have eight dogs that you're living with, and you want pussy all the time.

Yep, yep, absolutely.

So tell us, tell the people what it's like.

So basically, I've come to a conclusion that basically women, they all say they're different, but they all sound the same.

So that's why I've only been going after deaf women.

You know what I mean?

I love you.

I love you.

That is some real, that's some black belt Jedi level shit.

So explain to us where you're finding these deaf women at.

So basically, I was at like Rock Bottom one day,

which is not far from right now.

Wait,

okay.

I thought you were talking about the bar or a restaurant for a second.

So I was like,

before we move on, why were you at Rock Bottom?

So I had a, I fell on my knee on the sidewalk and it got infected and the infection went to my face.

Okay.

Was a staph infection?

It was like, I don't know.

It was like, I was on antibiotics.

I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like, it was actually pretty bad.

Sickle cell.

Okay.

How did it, how did it get to your,

what did it do to your face?

It started like getting all red and puffy.

Okay.

And how long did you, was was it after the fall on the knee in which the fall on the knee like i i didn't know because it was such a big collision it got like cellulose or cellulitis or something like that like a deep infection uh-huh so how many days after the fall on the knee did your face start getting puffy about a week okay so you were at rock bottom they gave you antibiotics right yeah i just had my car got stolen because i live in portland Oh, Portland.

That's come up a few times tonight.

And I was limping to go get some free food from the pantry.

Uh-uh.

And all of a sudden, there's this beautiful woman and she's holding...

This is a true story.

She's holding like a pile of money in her hands and she just goes

This is the greatest show ever invented there's nothing like this fucking show just to let you know every other show in the fucking world the people are vetted

Like the podcast host knows who they're talking to that day.

Every other fucking, not to mention television show, everything we were raised on, they know what questions they're going to ask.

The other person knows what the fucking answer is.

They try to make it look natural.

This show is so different.

What the fuck?

What the fuck is going on?

Deaf woman with a pile of cash and she sent it.

That sounded accurate.

That sounded like a deaf woman.

So

you're next to her and what do you say to that?

I said, well, a couple things.

I was like, you kind of caught me at a bad time.

You told her that?

Yeah, it's not a great time for me.

Like,

you know, but

I said, one day I'm going to be on TV.

When you see me on TV, you give me a call.

And she said, okay, bye.

See you on TV.

You gave her your number?

Nope.

Well, how would she give you a call?

Well, I was hoping she'd see me on TV.

He's gonna get famous and death jammer in the ass

Well, I figured I figured like while like while I'm getting through my like phase of having no money and eight dogs like like I'd get like to the point where I could finally like have a relationship.

You know what I mean?

Now's not a good time for me.

You know what I'm saying?

So you got a knee injury that infects the face and you go home to your house with no money and eight dogs and you go

one day love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is.

You don't find a lot of women like that.

No,

you don't ever.

No one ever has.

No one has ever seen a deaf woman with a pile of cash going asking to give it out.

Did you make this sound like a three-year-old grown-up and tells a story?

You know, and

kids are like, and then there was an apple and the apple talked to me and then I fell on my knee and the knee hurt my face and there was a woman and she couldn't hear and she gave me money.

But I walked away.

I went home.

I had eight dogs at that house.

I love you.

You're the best quality person I've ever met.

Hey, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Especially great person for the blood that runs through your veins.

I mean, Italians are real pieces of shit.

You know what I mean?

Okay, all right.

Guess that was too much.

All right.

God.

I thought you were talking about being inbred.

I didn't even know you were talking about anything.

Okay.

Thank you, Redman, for all the help that you provide over here.

16 minutes into this interview, I still feel like I haven't gotten enough.

Well, it's nice meeting y'all.

Oh, you're so sweet.

This fucking guy.

You're unbelievable.

He's gotta go.

He has eight dogs.

So where this deaf woman changed your life to the point to where you are now into deaf women, but you didn't do anything with her.

No,

basically, like, and I thought for myself, like, same day, I was like, well, like, because she was like offering me money.

I was like, this is pretty sweet.

And then, like, later on, I'm walking to the grocery store, like, and I sit down and like some other woman, like, offers me money.

And I was like, well, it wasn't the same because she thought I was homeless.

And I was like, all right.

So, like, it's not just that she was offering me money.

You know?

Did you take the money?

No, no.

And also, she was black, too.

So I wasn't really feeling it.

You're not into black women?

No, not really.

Not really.

Have you been with the black woman?

Yeah, one time.

What did you not, what was it that stood out to you?

She had a really nice afro.

I thought she was pretty, but she also had like some kind of like, like, I ended up like kind of getting sick afterwards.

Like, she was.

Tell us about that.

What kind of of sick did you get from the black woman?

You might be the greatest interview in the history of the show.

So honest.

You're getting on a clinic.

It was basically like a couple hours into this, and like my air mattress was already mostly deflated.

And she just starts coughing.

And I'm like, you alright?

She's like, no, I'm kind of getting over something.

And I'm like, ah, geez, I'm kind kind of getting over something.

And then all of a sudden, like, I was just sick for like another week.

I was like, it sucks.

So that was, that was it.

Wow.

And then there was, there was, there was one, there was one, there was one.

Everyone has one giant fat black lady off Craigslist, but that doesn't count.

Wait, she was off Craigslist?

No, maybe that doesn't.

No, it doesn't really count.

Where did you meet her at?

Well, I met her at my

house.

You gotta understand, it was Albany.

It was Albany.

I didn't have a chance.

Oh, okay.

Hold on.

I asked.

Oh, God.

I asked if, you see,

I asked if you found her on Craigslist, and you said no.

Right?

Well, yeah, but I found her at Craigslist, but then I met her at her house.

Right, got it.

Okay.

Didn't find her.

Okay.

so you did find her on craigslist and then your first time meeting her physically was at her house yeah

okay

wow

and then you got sick yeah and that kind of turned you off from black women yeah i didn't think i got sick even though we uh we also did it in the shower it didn't help at all You did it in the shower.

What made you guys do it in the shower?

You both had voluptuous hair.

You said that she had an afro.

You have what appears to be a

start in in the shower.

We moved over to the air mattress.

And

to be perfectly honest, you

there he goes.

He's loaded up, and here it comes.

To be perfectly honest.

Well,

it was

I mean, I don't know if I can make this any worse.

You're doing just fine, buddy.

We kind of filmed it.

Hold on.

You just met her.

It started in the shower.

You're both getting over something.

What made you guys film it?

Whose idea was that?

I was living in Albany.

It was over the summer, so nobody was there.

Upstate New York.

Yeah, I knew I was going to need something for later.

You know what I mean?

So you asked her permission to film?

Yes.

Wait a second.

There's a little pause.

A little big smile there.

Absolutely.

So this was at her house, so you couldn't.

No, no, it's at my house.

We went back to my house.

You met her at her house, then you took her back to your house?

Why?

Well, I mean, I just, that's kind of where I just, that's just kind of where I live.

But you were at her house.

Yeah.

You had sex at her house.

Nope.

No.

You just met her at her house.

Did you immediately take her in your car to your house?

I never met her.

You guys hung out?

Oh, you didn't have a car.

How did you guys get from her house to your house?

I just walked right home.

You walked.

How far of a walk was that?

Like three quarters of a mile, something like that.

Wow, so not far.

Yeah, not far.

Two blocks, something like that.

You know, not bad.

No, there's a big difference between two blocks and three quarters of a mile.

Okay, this has gone way too far.

I've been informed by Redband that it's gone 21 minutes this interview.

And I don't remember anything about the minute at all, but I'll tell you, you are an unbelievable fucking interview.

You sign up.

Next time, I don't want you to ever wear fucking socks again.

You hear me?

I'm gonna try to get you out of this bucket again.

There he goes.

Alex Tarshun.

Wow.

Good lord.

There's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

She'll knock your socks off.

All right.

It's a tough, tough follow.

Tough to follow Alex Tarshun.

Attention, all small biz owners.

At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.

With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it.

Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.

Visit the ups store.com/slash guarantee for full details.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

Dreaming of buying your first car or a new home?

Knowing your FICO score is the first step in making it real.

With MyFICO, you can check your score for free and it won't hurt your credit.

You'll get your FICO score, full credit reports, and real-time alerts all in one simple app.

Your credit score is more than just numbers, it's the key to building the future you've been working toward.

Visit myfico.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full goes by the name of Cameron Frisk.

Cameron Frisk gets a minute.

My buddy's dad just died in a motorcycle accident, and then he got super religious after it happened.

And he's like, Cameron, I accept Jesus as my one true father.

Like nice, now you got two dads that don't talk to you, jackass.

He's like, you want to come to church?

I was like, I'd rather ride on the back of your dad's motorcycle when he crashed.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Everybody tells me my mustache makes me look racist.

I was like, wait till you hear my mouth.

You're going to love it.

Now, a little bit about me.

I do.

I hate reverse cowgirl.

Unpopular opinion.

I do.

I hate reverse cowgirl.

That's just because I love fucking straight cowboys.

Where are my fellas at?

Horns up, boys.

Listen, I came here to suck dick and tell jokes, and I'm all out of jokes, fellas.

I didn't get these tonsils removed for nothing.

Let's get this golden ticket over with.

All right, all right.

Don't count your fucking chickens over there, Cameron.

Welcome.

How are you?

Is this your first time on the show?

Second time.

I was on like a month ago.

Okay.

Well, welcome back.

How has life changed since the first time you were on?

People have have been coming to my work now and coming and being like hey i saw you on killtone what's your work again i work at prana the smoothie coffee shop kyle owns yeah we love we love prana it's a great great place east side 7th street yeah everybody in my hometown hit me up which was pretty cool what's your hometown ohi California yep the energy vortex yes the energy vortex absolutely it's all coming back to me now Prana has a lot of uh like it's a it's a famous place for like hot chicks to go to yes very famous hot chicks chicks.

Yes.

I don't know if they're famous, but tons of hot chicks there, for sure.

The place is famous for having hot chicks, not famous hot chicks.

What he said, yes.

Yeah, okay.

Smoke shows, all of them.

All right.

What do you do for fun, Cameron?

I've been traveling.

Like, I went to Africa last year.

That was the craziest thing I've probably done in a while.

What made you go to Africa?

I'd never been out of the country other than like Canada for one hour.

And me and my girlfriend were like, I was like, I want to go to New York.

And she's she's like how about Africa and I was like perfect that's did you keep an eye on her the whole time she was there I it's very suspicious she was kind of a hot commodity there I did talk to like one of the chiefs there and I was like get a little get a load of this thing right here I was like I'll trade her four goats

and he like laughed he's like ha ha ha three and I was like

it's not bad three goats is a lot Okay, I think you're trying to, it's hard to follow the interviewing style of Alex Tarsh.

Yeah, of course.

He's the man.

You know Alex?

Yeah, he has a crippling gambler in an addiction, and I hang out with him.

Get Alex back up here.

Get Alex back up here.

He's such a...

This is what we're going to do.

We're going to trade out your boring white guy interview.

Hell yeah.

Is Alex still here?

Can we obtain him?

Let's get him.

Has Alex become a known commodity at the area where everyone's hanging out, waiting to get on the show?

He's an earful to talk to.

He's the man.

Where the f- Alex, get out here.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return.

The long-awaited return.

Does anybody work here?

Get Alex Tarshun for me.

Fuck is going on

What could he possibly be doing?

Well, he is half black, so he's gonna be late

So yes, he's in the back, but no, he's not here

Tell us, how do you know about his gambling addiction?

Please relax

We were just hanging out and talking and he was like frantically pacing looking at his phone it was on like five percent and he was just tweaking he's like I don't know.

I think my phone's going to die.

Should I pull out?

I might lose $100.

And I was like, you just have my charger thing because I kind of wanted to see the gambling continue.

Did he win?

I don't think so.

No.

Wow.

I didn't see him finish.

It was like it was basketball.

Huh.

Very interesting.

Guy with eight dogs.

Lips by himself.

He has a crippling gambling addiction.

Who would have thought?

I like that at the end of it, he was like, you could have my socks.

It's all I have left.

What else about Alex?

Tell us more about Alex Tarshoon.

I'm just going to interview people.

Did I tell you guys about his cartoon he made?

Oh,

my.

Oh, he did not.

God.

Maybe the most racist piece of animation I've ever seen.

It's crazy, honestly.

Keep going.

I don't know what it's called, but it's pretty much Ed Ed and Eddie with a lot more N-words in it.

It's fantastic, but it's hard to watch.

I love it.

Wow.

And this is like a comic book?

No, it's like full-on.

Like, he drew out the cartoon, like not by hand, but digitally, and then made it into a thing.

Took him months.

It's like an actual cartoon.

It's a real-ass cartoon.

Wow.

And

he showed it to you on his phone?

I think he just told me to look it up, and I just went in that little rabbit hole.

And yeah, it was very interesting, that's for sure.

Do you remember the plot line or anything like that?

It was pretty much, I swear to God, it's just pure racism, most of it.

Like, that was pretty much the plot line was Ed Ed and Eddie, but they're black.

Okay.

It's called N-N-N-Eddie.

Yeah.

Well, somebody, for the love of God, get me Alex Tarshu.

I need Alex Tarshu, Nasa.

In fact, never let him leave again.

Let's just keep him.

Let's keep him.

Let's do what he does with his eight dogs.

Keep him chained up right on the back post here.

I was going to say, he can't be far.

No.

He can't be far.

Okay.

Cameron, what's the most interesting thing about your life before we get out of here?

At the moment,

I might have a child in Denver, Colorado.

What makes you say that?

Well, when I was like 14, some girl had sex with me on a boat, and then she- How old are you now?

I'm 27.

Okay.

So go ahead.

And then

she got pregnant, but she had a boyfriend at the time.

Never said anything to me and moved to Denver, Colorado.

And then I would stalk her Instagram and like keep updates on the photo of the kid to hopefully it started looking like her husband and not me.

That's what I was rooting for.

And it's a girl?

It's a girl, yeah.

Uh-huh.

And so as the girl's grown up, what is she?

Does she have a mustache?

She looks like the cutest little Civil War baby you've ever seen.

No, I don't know.

I honestly, she deleted her Instagram and I've lost all contact at this point.

Wow.

What a sad end to a stalker's story.

She didn't delete it.

She blocked you, by the way.

Maybe.

I don't know.

All right.

Cameron, what's your living situation?

I live in an apartment.

It's not a bad one bedroom, big, I got a fireplace now, which I didn't have in California.

You could afford that just from working at Prana.

Barely, yeah.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Well, rent's a lot cheaper here.

It's like $2,000, and you don't have to live in a garage like you do in California, which sucks.

That is cool.

So I have a fireplace now.

Okay.

There you go, Cameron.

Moving up.

What size joke book did you get last time here?

I got a little one.

Okay.

That sounds about right.

Ah, damn it.

Let's give you a medium one.

Slow but steady improvement.

Appreciate it.

Cameron Frisk, everybody.

There he goes.

Let's get through another bucket pull here.

Ladies and gentlemen, it goes by the name of alex o'brien everybody here comes alex o'brien

alex o'brien

y'all are beautiful first class high dollar i'm gonna be like nick cage i'm gonna be gone in 60 seconds y'all ma'am do you know what your problem is not shit nothing you're doing great you're killing the game i appreciate you being out here so i have two things for you uh bank robbers and playing hinders my grandma used to say playing hinders oh we playing hinders y'all playing hinders Which meant inappropriately touching something as a kid from another person.

Now, we didn't play hinders, but we did play doctor a little bit.

We got played doctor a little bit.

We'd be like, oh, is your elbow hurt?

Let me get some aloe.

Rub that on there real quick.

Your low back hurt.

Get some aloe.

I'm the doctor.

Rub that on.

Make you feel good.

Make me think about hinders.

As I'm an adult, I think hinders might have been fucking butts tough.

And I think my grandma might have been into that a little bit.

She'd be asking us to play hinders.

I tell you that, to tell you this, the bank robber situation.

Bank robber situation is, some of y'all men know about this: it's when you're tucked in your waistband, your opportunity is looking straight up at you.

It's

goddamn robbing a bank, just put the fucking money in the bag.

Oh my god, it's a dangerous thing to have.

So, you're playing Hinders, you're putting the money in the bag, it's a great thing.

What do you got for me, Tony?

Okay,

Jesus Christ Almighty, Kim Congdon.

This guy is talented as fuck.

I'm going to say it right now.

He made 60 seconds feel like an hour.

That was beautiful.

That's all you can ask.

Have you ever done stand-up before?

Only fucking five times.

Okay.

And how many times have you signed up for this show?

This is my ninth.

Ninth time signing up and your first time on, correct?

That's accurate.

God.

What do you do for work?

Well, I'm a substitute teacher

and a comedian.

No, you're not.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I was waiting for that.

Got me dialed in.

Substitute teacher.

How old are you?

38.

Okay.

What made you start stand-up now at 38 years old?

So I got super good at Coke over COVID, like really good.

I wasn't teaching.

And I was like, yo, man, this stuff is, you know, keeping me occupied and in my house.

And so

I had to reset my life.

And when I did that, I said to myself, Jesus, maybe I should just move the fuck out of Seattle where it rains too much and pretend like I'm funny on stage.

So far, no good.

You're the worst.

You're the worst.

You're adorable, but you're the worst.

Where are you originally from?

Florida?

Seattle, Washington.

Oh, that makes sense.

That makes perfect sense.

Fucking sad, seasonal affective disorder.

Come out here.

I'm feeling a little bit better, but

I'm not so much right now.

No Cerebob.

Two and a half years.

Two and a half years sober.

Yeah, I was like borderline schizo.

I was really good

It kind of stuck with you Some people do enough to where they just kind of stay Maybe that was just the natural effect and it was just enhancing a little bit right, okay.

Have you ever met Alex Tarshoon before?

I heard good things.

What have you heard?

My name repeated over and over again and me going I'm on you and backstage and then the person in front of me.

That's as much as I've heard.

Okay, right.

What's the most interesting thing about your entire life?

Nobody has any idea what you talked about for your minute, by the way.

Just a bunch of gibberish.

Absolutely.

Fucking gibberish.

All right, noted.

I appreciate that feedback.

I did a background dance.

I was a background dancer for Run DMC one time at a PE conference.

I killed it.

All right.

You have one of the most hatable faces I've ever seen.

Let's go.

I gotta say

the moments when you're yourself and you're an actual douchebag and you like when you did that thing before you did the bit, there's like little glimpses of maybe you could do something there, but you have to go with that douchebag face.

You can't hide it.

Like, we're looking at it.

Present.

Do you ever use it to your advantage?

You know, I used to.

I was super good at it.

Like, you know, not a good person for a while.

For Christ's sake, cocaine.

But no, not anymore.

So,

how would you use it to your advantage?

How would I use it to my advantage?

I would be like, yo, what's up, girl?

What's popping?

Brand new whip just hopped in.

And then she'd be like, oh, that's not.

Are you a heterosexual?

Fuck.

Fuck.

There's only one thing to do right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, Alex Tarshun, everybody.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, the crowd goes wild.

We're upgrading our Alexes.

Get the fuck out of here.

Alex Tarshun.

The world wants more of you.

Since you were gone, since you've been gone,

we learned that you have a crippling gambling addiction.

Oh, yeah, who told you that?

Even Matt Muelling just gave a good, oh, fuck.

It's like, you are a geyser, my friend.

You are just a flowing vat of natural material.

Yeah, we heard about it.

We heard about it from

Cameron Frisk.

Do you know Cameron?

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, you know Cameron.

So tell us about this gambling problem.

Well, basically, I figured out right now, it's all about the arbitraging.

It's all about the what?

So you just bet both sides, you automatically win like a dollar or two, and you just keep rolling it over.

But you're meant to do that with millions of dollars on either side, and you...

We're snowballing.

We're snowballing.

Sorry.

I don't know what to fucking do with this guy.

It's the greatest interview of all time.

You want to hear a quick story about how I saved someone's life?

Yes.

Yes.

So me and my first pit bull are walking down by the river.

And I'm looking for my cell phone because I lost it.

And it's nighttime.

And I want to ask someone if I can call my phone and their phone, but they don't want to do that because it's nighttime and stuff.

So

I see this one guy and I want to ask him, but I don't.

And then I'm walking by the river and I see this body floating floating in the river.

And I was like, oh my gosh.

I run back to the guy.

I'm like, hey, we got to call the ambulance and stuff.

And he's like, all right.

He doesn't believe me necessarily.

So we go back to the river.

No one's there, but they float under the pier.

So I'm like, it's like February and it's like really cold.

And I'm like, she'd probably freeze her in there.

So I did was I took off all my clothes and I just started going into the river.

And it was the Hudson River.

So I was kind of like, I've never been in here.

I don't know how deep it is.

But

like,

so I just thought I get in there and she must have been like at least 250 but like in the water I could still move her and like I'm getting her up on like the rocks and stuff the guys help me get her up and stuff we get my dog on top to try and warm her up and then

like the thing is though is like when the fire department came and all the ambush and stuff like I was so proud to tell him like who I was and stuff but the the the person who helped me like he's like my name is Vivian and I'm like whoa like cuz like the only thing I wanted was like for like a hot chick to see this and I'm like bro you a hot chick though and he was like yeah like I'm a transgender And he's like, Yeah, I came to the river to kill myself too.

But like, this is my, it's a wonderful life moment, so I'm not gonna do it.

And I'm like, that's pretty sweet.

That's pretty sweet.

Thank you, Doug.

Let's talk about this cartoon you made.

Oh, they told you!

All right, so it's basically the black version of Ed Ed and Eddie.

Keep going.

Okay.

So,

basically, it's called Nig, Nigga, Nigga.

Keep going.

All right.

So it

the episode four is my favorite because

it has like a Buzz Lightyear.

Like, remember, like when Buzz Lightyear was Mrs.

Nesbitt?

Sure.

Everyone forgets about that, but I have this whole bit about like how like Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends and he's like just missing an arm and he's like wearing like a girl hat and an apron and then like all the characters like we gotta like get out of here before Buzz infects us with his gay.

Before we know it, we'll all have our arms out of our socket wearing a lady hat and you see like Mr.

Potato Head like missing an arm.

You're like, hey boys, I've always been Mrs.

Potato Head.

Where can people find these cartoons up?

Plug it.

So you got to go to, you got to go to,

what the hell is my name?

Alex Tarshu?

Yeah, but right now it's Pure Bread Retard on YouTube.

That's your name?

Yeah.

Purebread.

Purebread Retard.

All one word?

Are there any underscores or anything?

Bread like the food.

Oh.

Bread like the food.

Pure Bread Retard.

What made you go with Bread Like the Food on that one?

Was Pure Bread Retard regular taken?

Well, I used to be in Bread Retard.

and then that got me in a lot of trouble like on Instagram and stuff that's the part that you think got you in trouble not the retard part

I'm pure the guy with the pinky stole that handle

you know for a long time I would google like like why do I have a mini pinky but I didn't know how to spell pinky

Like I think I used to like do like P-I-N-K like Y or something like that or I E or I don't remember but like I can't really spell that well you spelled it wrong.

I couldn't spell pinky for a long time.

You're a bad speller?

Yeah, yeah.

How bad do you think you are?

Pretty bad?

I'm more of a math guy.

More of a math guy.

Okay.

Are you good at math?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

Wow, we found that.

Yeah, I did that one.

That's me.

We found the cartoon.

This is incredible.

I saw that.

Yeah, I did.

A tarshoon cartoon.

Yeah, that's good.

It really is.

It is.

For those of you wondering what the spelling of this cartoon is, it is

N-I-G comma N-I-G-G

N,

N, I, G, G, A.

Thank you.

I don't know if I'm allowed to spell that word.

We'll see.

We'll see.

But it is a real cartoon.

Wow.

I definitely can't say it, but I think I'm allowed to spell it.

Thank you.

Wow.

How many of these have you made?

I got four right now working on part five.

Hell yeah.

Incredible.

Even your, like, even the like 20th most interesting things about you are so interesting.

Hey, you want to see the feast day resistance?

The what?

You want to see the best part?

Yeah.

Hey, look at my shoe.

Look at my shoe.

Ready?

What?

What?

Is your shoe broken?

Yeah.

What size shoe do you wear?

10.

Really?

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

My shoes would be a little too big on you.

I was going to give you my shoes.

Someone's got a size 10 in here.

Come on.

Who's got a good size 10?

Anybody?

Someone give these men your shoes.

Look.

Hold on.

There's a guy in a Hawaiian shirt standing up.

There he goes.

I think he's...

Oh, he's leaving, everybody.

He's leaving.

Okay.

You got a size 10?

No, 12's not gonna work.

No, he's gonna get an infection in his face.

We got a pair of tens?

Yes!

Throw him up here.

Throw him up here.

Ew, wait, those look terrible.

No, pass them back.

Pass him back.

He's better off.

He's better off without.

I'll tell you what.

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to give you an automatic minute next week,

and I'm going to present a new pair of size 10 shoes to you.

Yeah.

A brand new pair.

And we're going to go through another interview.

This one lasted 10 minutes.

You add that to the 21 before.

That's 31 minutes.

Technically, I do believe with the two combined, you do hold the record for the most interviewed person in the history of the show

in a single night.

I already gave you a big joke book.

There you go, Alex Tarshoon, ladies and gentlemen.

We're gonna keep it moving along.

We realize that we haven't had a female comedian here tonight, so we're gonna get one up.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Lisa Jane Spencer.

Make some noise for Lisa Jane Spencer.

Hello.

I know I sound retarded, but I'm just Australian.

Yeah, so I'm just wondering, are we still pretending, white people, are we still pretending that we don't say the N-word?

Like when they're not around, obviously.

I remember learning about it.

I was young, my brother was young, and my brother got back from a friend's house and

he was talking about this cereal that he had.

You guys call it Coco Krispies, we call it Coco Pops, but see,

he called it

N

pops.

Yeah.

So my mum banned that.

Yeah.

But yeah, we just learn to hide it, right?

You just learn to hide it.

And my favorite is just doing it

in the car, you know, listening to Kanye.

That's my favorite.

I'm talking about eating Nutella.

Keep going, finish it.

I'm talking about eating Nutella.

Oh, that's it?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Lisa Jane Spencer, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the show, Lisa.

We're going going to go to our senior Australian correspondent, James McCann.

Lisa, you've dishonored our country.

These people already think we're extremely racist because of our racism.

I was just talking about Nutella, though.

I was just talking about.

Can you tell me what it meant?

Okay, well, I was alluding to that.

Yeah, the N-word, but actually,

but actually, I was talking about Nutella.

You said the N-word that you weren't meant to say was Nutella.

Yeah, Nutella.

You guys, the two two Australians are creating some kind of feedback here, it seems.

And I had.

I did have an ending of it, but I didn't.

Yeah, you had an ending to the joke?

I did have an ending.

Okay, what was the ending to the joke that I asked you to do?

And you just said, I was going to say

three times here.

I was going to say,

relax.

I'm just Australian.

We just call each other.

Okay, red ban.

Red band.

Okay, you're just Australian what?

We just call each other cs.

That's right.

Very good.

We do.

We're going to have to bleep that one.

What?

That's another bleep.

Even when an Australian says that, it counts.

Even though you guys can.

You can probably say poofta, though.

Yep.

Poofta's our f ⁇ .

I don't think YouTube knows about poofta yet.

YouTube's robots don't know about poofta.

What does that mean exactly?

Sort of a light in the loafers type individual.

It means gay.

You're gay.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Where are you from in Australia?

Melbourne.

Terrible city.

I know.

Oh, I love Melbourne.

You love Melbourne?

I love Melbourne.

My favourite city in Australia.

It is nice.

There's like nice parts of it, like the peninsula, Dandenong Ranges.

Uh-huh.

No, I had an engagement breakdown in Melbourne.

It's a shit city, and I can't say enough bad things about it.

They monopolise our football.

They stole our Grand Prix.

They talk down on the people of Adelaide.

Shame on Melbourne.

Wow.

Damn it.

But there's not a lot of Nutellas.

There's actually, Kim,

after the South Sudanese War, there was a huge influx of Nutellas into Melbourne.

And

they have changed the game in Australian football.

Every team has a great big seven-foot Nutella now out there.

Yeah.

How long have you been in America?

Literally like four days.

Four days?

Yeah, yeah.

What's the weirdest thing about America so far?

The weirdest thing?

Yeah.

Okay, well, last night, I was standing next to a truck that was like double the size, and that was like a normal car.

Yeah.

No, I don't know why they made trucks so big here.

They just made them big enough to kill children without knowing about it.

They want them big enough to kill a basketball playing Nutella.

Do you know what I'm saying about these trucks?

It's too much.

I apologize.

Have you ever seen a half-Italian, half-Nutella before?

Let me show you one.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshun, everybody.

I don't know which one's more creeped out by the other right now.

Having quite the standoff.

she looks scared to death by the way I don't know what's happening it's okay this guy is one of the most interesting people in the history of the show

you only have to be scared of 40% of them

have you ever seen anything like that on the streets of Melbourne

no she looks genuinely frightened I don't know if the cameras are picking it up

Alex have you ever hung out with an Australian person before?

No, not yet.

Wow, look at this.

Absolutely incredible.

If you were going to take her on a date, where would you take Lisa Jane Spencer?

You ever been to the Jets?

It's a pizza place on Lamar.

I do like pizza.

You like pizza?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you're in for a treat.

Man, we've got a very unlove on the spectrum happening right here on Kill Pun.

That's true, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you like dogs?

What?

Do you like dogs?

Dogs.

I love dogs.

What kind of do you like.

How many dogs do you love?

What would be a reasonable number of dogs for a man to have?

Just one.

One.

Oh, we got.

No.

I I don't have a dog.

I used to have a dog, but it died.

This man's got eight dogs.

I just want to let you know.

He's got eight dogs.

Are you into anything weird sexually?

Like two in the pink, half in the stink?

This is very rude.

He has a funny hand.

He has a funny hand.

He's got a weird pinky.

She is scared to death, ladies and gentlemen.

Again, when she faces you guys, she starts to smile and everything.

But when she looks directly at him, there's a specific, like, ghostly look that comes over her face of concern.

It's true.

I wish we had like a reverse camera.

I guess we can't really do it.

Lisa, I want you to know this is just what America's like.

It's like this every single day, forever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know.

I was at that show last night.

I've forgotten.

Alex, let me ask you a question.

After you took her to Jet's Pizza, then what would you do with her?

I'll probably bring her to my van.

Australians love vans.

I don't, no, I don't date van people.

So he doesn't, here's the twist, is that that's just a great answer.

Every question I ask him is brilliantly answered.

He doesn't live in his van.

He has his own place.

Eight dogs and an air mattress.

Look how proud he is.

He loves his life.

He's about to get pussy, dude.

He's so cool, I'm buying him a new pair of shoes.

I've never even done that before.

12 years we've been doing this show.

I'm buying him fucking new kicks.

Oh, yeah, hey, I'll buy you shoes.

Wow.

Alex.

Look at this.

What are you going to do?

Skin the dogs?

You've got not a wedding.

Look at this.

You've heard of love at first sight.

This is fear at first sight.

A sweet little Australian who did N-word jokes, now looking at a half-pinkied, inbred Nutella.

okay uh

Lisa just because I'm in a good mood I'm gonna give you a big joke book you don't really deserve it for any reason but I'm just Alex Tarshoon has made brought me so much joy here tonight that you're leaving with a big joke book how about one more time for Lisa Jane Spencer And how about one more time for the final time, Alex Tarshoon, everybody.

Guy's been signing up for fucking

ever.

Over a year.

Wow.

Wow.

The crowd is on their feet.

People on the balcony are standing up.

This is chaos.

Alright, we'll see you next week, Alex.

There's only one way to end an episode like this.

And you damn well know that it has to be the ringer of all ringers, the Memphis Strangler.

It is

the vanilla gorilla.

The one and the only, the big red machine, the hall of famer.

This is William Montgomery.

And by the way, if you love Edinetti, you're going to love Alex's very racist cartoon.

I've actually been a backer.

I've given him a lot of money.

It's a wonderful cartoon.

Well, it happened.

Virginia Giffrey got suicided this past week in Australia after having been hit by a school bus going 80 miles an hour a couple weeks before.

In the immortal words of Hillary Clinton, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

So the Philadelphia Eagles drafted a guy named Jihad Campbell.

My math may be off, but wasn't he born after 9-11?

And they named him Jihad Campbell.

He's an explosive linebacker, really willing to sacrifice his body.

Heel fast.

I mean, he's fast.

In college, I heard he banged 99 virgins.

And if you think the New York Giants can tower over him, he will fly right into them two at a time.

If he launches into two people hard enough, a third might fall down.

And folks will claim it was a controlled demolition.

Also, there's a rumor Massad knew about Jihad Campbell, but failed to warn the Patriots.

Okay.

I ain't taking no shit.

That's my impression of a constipated man.

Okay.

Wow.

Wow.

Damn.

We know who the interview of the night was, but my God, let there be no question.

the set of the night goes to the man who's done it to more than anybody hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times and meanwhile here he comes swinging his sledgehammer of destruction yet again and you did it with a do-rag on and for the record this thing smells like shit tony

No, I'm kidding.

Alex is so funny, but I swear I was smelling his ass and I was like, oh my god, is he gonna let me wear this?

And then he put it on me and I'm like, dude, this smells like shit.

Yeah.

It smells like eight fucking dogs living at the apartment with you.

Eight dogs and a lot of pizza.

Yeah.

My goodness, but totally worth it.

The hardest I've laughed all night was on your entrance.

Your material followed the entire way through.

An entire 60 seconds of laughter.

Well, it's all gas, no brakes.

The big red machine has arrived.

It's so nice to be here.

it's all the rowing i've been doing tony i'm at 200 000 meters already in this month okay tony

i'm up to over 500 000 meters since january wow so i am going and then i almost broke my big toe i think a couple days ago i was moving some piece of equipment and it fucking fell right on my big toe oh my goodness it hurts so bad let me just warn you you might have a face infection in no time

yeah I hope not he also had a staph infection did he have a staph infection

somebody else

it's a basically cellulitis is kind of an extension of that I think a lot of you know that I'm a Canadian doctor so

you know we're all

gonna put him down

we're not going down that path again

Okay, so William, you look fantastic.

You're absolutely glowing, I could say so.

Have you been on tour?

I have.

I was in Virginia Beach, Virginia, this past weekend.

It was a wonderful time.

I ended up eating a whole bunch of seafood.

And Tony, I'm serious.

I don't think I'm ever really going to stop eating the seafood.

I love some seafood.

I was eating some of the fried shrimp.

Ooh.

What other?

What are some other kind of seafood?

I was eating fucking fried flounder.

Ooh.

I was eating fried grouper.

Oh, Oh my God.

I was eating fried redfish.

Wow.

And hush puppies, which is also like a fried breading bread.

Wow.

But yeah, it was really good.

And I walked on Virginia Beach and had a really good time.

And it honestly, I felt like I was in Mogadishu or something.

It seemed kind of crazy.

I'm looking out at the ocean as there's just big fucking ships cruising around everywhere and just the people on the beach.

It's like, where am

but I loved it in Virginia Beach everybody that came to see me was great what what what about mogadeshu it's just i swear i just had like this like this feeling of where what fucking country am i in it just looks like crazy looking out

oh there's there's james mccann your fellow uh your fellow uh i know it is so nice to see fellow ginger friend

You look so cool with the durag.

Thank you so much, man.

I think you could get away with it because I feel like I can get away with it right now.

So I think you could get away with it.

I'm afraid that there's stuff in it, like a flea or something.

James, let's switch hats.

I think you could.

No, I don't think there's anything.

Let's switch hats.

Oh,

the crowd wants it, James.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

That's crazy.

Oh, oh, my God.

Wow.

James McCann.

I think his pinky's getting shorter in real time.

Somehow you look totally different than everybody.

Shut your bitch ass.

Anyway, excuse me.

He's a whole new man.

This is the new James McCann.

Oh, now's the time to say it, but I'm too afraid.

Hey.

I was a camera.

My ninja.

Nutella.

I'll regret that for the rest of my life.

Damn.

No, I won't do it anymore.

I think that was a pretty bad mistake, James.

We're going to swipe.

We got to swipe.

The Durang is too powerful.

Give me my hat back.

James McCann is on a USA tour.

Get tickets at JDFMCC.com.

William lights out.

Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

He's on tour.

Kim Congnon's on tour.

Kim Congnon.com with a C O N G D O N.

She's a Brea, May 14th.

Oxnard, May 15th.

James McCann is everywhere.

It is a true American tour.

Again, JDF McCann with 2Ns.com.

She has three ends now.

Shit.

Feel free to bleep that.

Maybe it's one of the parts of the show that just stays in the room.

Express VPN, ZipRecruiter, Prize Picks and Tocovas.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-Belt is in.

It is incredible.

How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land?

Red band.

Check out the sunsetstripatx.com love you guys no doubt about it here we go london england madison square garden everything's right around the corner a lot of other fun stuff another more huge announcements and everything non-stop with this goddamn show somehow it just continues on and on we go

live audience thank you we love you thank you good night everybody james mcann kim condon

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to Sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Your Your sausage mcmuffin with egg didn't change.

Your receipt did.

The sausage mcmuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5.

Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Prices and participation may vary.

Your night in just got legendary.

Legends.com is the only free-to-play social casino and sports book where you can spin the reels, drop parlays, chase the spread, and hit up live blackjack without leaving your couch.

Slots, sports, original games.

Legends has it all.

Win real prizes and redeem instantly straight to your bank.

Legends is a free-to-play social because you know Void Prohibited must be 18 plus pay responses.

Visit Legends.com for full details.

Get in the game now and score a 50% bonus on your first purchase only at legendswithaz.com.

The Mercedes-Benz Dream Days are back with offers on vehicles like the 2025 E-Class, CLE Coupe, C-Class, and EQE sedan.

Hurry in now through July 31st.

Visit your local authorized dealer or learn more at mbusa.com dream.