#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 2 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 2 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 2 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 5 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony Hitchcliffe.

Speaker 6 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 6 All right.

Speaker 9 And how about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, huh?

Speaker 10 Come on,

Speaker 12 Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Chorizo, Charlupa, Huevos Rancheros.

Speaker 14 We got the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar tonight.

Speaker 16 Lacking vitamin D.

Speaker 17 Speaking of D, on the bass guitar, that is indeed D madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 Oh my goodness, what a show we have lined up for you guys on this beautiful Monday evening.

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Speaker 18 Here we go.

Speaker 38 You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Speaker 9 This is Kill Tony brought to you by Express VPN, ZipRecruiter, Prize Picks, and Tocovas.

Speaker 39 Every single week, I book two of the best guests humanly possible.

Speaker 46 What I love about this show tonight is that this is a booking of two of my favorite guests of the year, two of my favorite guests, people that came through on the clutch for me when the entire world was against me immediately after a specific event event at Madison Square Garden that I did last year.

Speaker 38 I don't bring it up very often, but I'm bringing it up now because a lot of people canceled that night.

Speaker 48 A lot of people wanted to stay away.

Speaker 54 And these two comedy fucking warriors are like, let's go.

Speaker 55 Throw me in. I'm down for you.
Even when it's dark, I'm down to play with Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 57 And they are back here with huge projects selling out around the country.

Speaker 16 Two of my favorite comedians in the world.

Speaker 60 Two of the best guests in Kill Tony history, including the first regular ever on this show.

Speaker 26 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for James McCann and Kim Congdon.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 58 Kim, have a seat there.

Speaker 66 James, come over here. Stay right here, James.

Speaker 66 Come over here.

Speaker 26 There they are.

Speaker 11 Two of the best.

Speaker 34 James McCann is back.

Speaker 17 Many people saying a front runner for guest of the year 2025.

Speaker 6 Yeah, there's a lot of fellow autistic men out there looking after their own.

Speaker 67 Very proud.

Speaker 4 It's great to be back.

Speaker 68 They love James McCann.

Speaker 69 He's doing his first ever American tour.

Speaker 6 That's right, Tony.

Speaker 9 Get tickets.

Speaker 6 Why are we doing Georgia? We're doing other places too.

Speaker 16 11 dates. Is one of the best comedians around here at the mothership and all around the world, part of the Shane Gillis Philly somehow mafia, even though you're from Australia.

Speaker 69 He found you.

Speaker 45 He takes you around doing arenas all around the world.

Speaker 6 Yes, he was so good to me at first. I thought at some point he's going to try and fuck me.

Speaker 74 And he never did.

Speaker 6 That's true. He never did.
He hasn't. He's a good, he's actually a good man.

Speaker 42 That's how I always felt about Rogan.

Speaker 76 I'm still waiting for it at some point.

Speaker 18 I've always been waiting.

Speaker 77 I'm like, one day, there's got to be a reason here.

Speaker 14 I mean, I know I'm good.

Speaker 48 I know he sees me work hard, but at any point, he's just going to grab me by my waist and do whatever he wants with me.

Speaker 70 And it never happened.

Speaker 25 They're like, it can't be blowjobs

Speaker 81 you son of

Speaker 84 no

Speaker 83 no

Speaker 57 I did not invite you here to make jokes like that Kim

Speaker 30 hello

Speaker 40 Kim Congdon the first ever regular in kill Tony history writing and performing a new minute every week 12 fucking years ago back when barely anyone was watching and now you're a legend doing Brea and Oxnard May 14th, May 15th, KimCongdon.com, the Kim Congdon takeover.

Speaker 57 So you guys know all about the show.

Speaker 55 You guys are veterans of the game. Over 200 human, innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket tonight.
I'm going to let this fucking little

Speaker 90 red band fucking stunt man pull the first name.

Speaker 19 This little fat boy.

Speaker 91 Hell yeah

Speaker 45 And like that it has begun while they go wrangle that comedian, when I pull their name, they get 60 seconds.

Speaker 16 You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 90 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear,

Speaker 90 which interrupts them.

Speaker 13 And then I conduct an interview and then we all talk to them together. The whole thing's improvised.

Speaker 92 Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 94 Great!

Speaker 9 Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted minute tonight is one of our favorite old-time, good old fucking golden ticket winners.

Speaker 45 This guy, a legend, used to be a fucking fraudster on the streets and now Regularly doing spots with me on the road with the killers of kill Tony with his own things with Cam Patterson always working It is America's favorite uncle make some noise.

Speaker 58 This is a new minute from David Jolly everybody. Here we go

Speaker 99 Hell yeah, it's been 21 months since I had a drink. That's pretty fucking cool, right?

Speaker 84 Hell yeah, hell yeah.

Speaker 99 I had to do it cold turkey because I tried to do it like with the AA meetings at first. But every time I went to an AA meeting, I needed a fucking drink.

Speaker 99 Them people lies be miserable as hell, you know what I mean? Like, goddamn, do it already, bitch.

Speaker 99 Nobody gonna miss your ass.

Speaker 99 It got to the point where I started going to the meetings and I just spiked the coffee.

Speaker 100 You know what I mean?

Speaker 98 Get you back to your regular self, you know?

Speaker 99 Then it got so bad, I started coming to the meetings drunk as hell, you know.

Speaker 99 I started coming to the meetings drunk, and they'll kick me out of the meetings. And I'm like, fuck, you can't kick me out of this AA meeting, man.

Speaker 103 I'm crying, it's a fucking cry for help right now, you know?

Speaker 99 You can't kick me out of this AA meeting. This isn't an AA meeting, it's a PTA meeting.

Speaker 99 All right, that ain't go as good as I thought it was gonna go.

Speaker 98 Hey, all right, that's my time.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 84 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 15 One of my favorite lines in all of comedy.

Speaker 73 That didn't go as well as I thought it was going to go.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 23 To be real, you know?

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. I love it.

Speaker 40 David, that was a new minute.

Speaker 47 This is true, honey.

Speaker 50 You've been sober for 21 months.

Speaker 99 Yeah, well, it's like July 12th or something. I just had to figure a number out, and I can't count that well sometimes under pressure.
So it's like 21, 22, some shit like that.

Speaker 32 It was Juneteenth.

Speaker 100 It's been a.

Speaker 99 No, I was drunk as fuck on Juneteenth.

Speaker 107 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 16 What is a big day of celebration for you?

Speaker 108 When do you tend to be happy?

Speaker 99 You know, I mean, every day I wake up and be happy, man, because I'm alive, man.

Speaker 100 You know, like, I got a good fucking life.

Speaker 99 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 56 Yeah, you do.

Speaker 84 You feel me? Like,

Speaker 84 I'm doing real well.

Speaker 16 You used to be a real troublemaker.

Speaker 41 Does that side of you ever creep up?

Speaker 96 Do you ever like get the urge to write a fake check or anything like that?

Speaker 109 Well, no.

Speaker 99 See,

Speaker 99 what I do now is

Speaker 97 a lot of people don't know about this, but

Speaker 99 sometimes at night, me and Joe Rogan go dress up like Batman and beat the shit out of homeless people.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 107 Joe's out of the way.

Speaker 81 We just

Speaker 111 robbing, but it's spelt R-O-B-I-N apostrophe.

Speaker 98 Yeah, you know, you know how to spell it, motherfucker.

Speaker 98 That's it. That's fucking it.

Speaker 29 Hell yeah.

Speaker 112 You're the riddler with a hard R.

Speaker 28 With a hard R.

Speaker 98 It's got to be a hard R, you know?

Speaker 99 It ain't right without a hard R.

Speaker 100 Absolutely.

Speaker 99 Just like a hard dick.

Speaker 98 Ain't that right, Tony?

Speaker 8 Whoa.

Speaker 94 I love both.

Speaker 68 We love both.

Speaker 16 What else is going on, David Jolly?

Speaker 99 Shit, man. I was in Portland this weekend.

Speaker 19 That was pretty fucking cool.

Speaker 4 Portland?

Speaker 32 Portland. Portland.

Speaker 4 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 99 Y'all understand what I'm saying?

Speaker 80 That's a grocery store in this neighborhood.

Speaker 4 Yeah, no, man.

Speaker 99 Portland, Oregon. That place is pretty cool, you know.

Speaker 97 What's cool about it?

Speaker 100 Shit, I was smoking weed, walking down the road, and shit.

Speaker 99 Just the police walked by. They didn't even bother me.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 81 Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in Portland.

Speaker 99 No, they seen Cam first. That's who shows you it was.

Speaker 107 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 99 I was number two, but it was cool. I seen a crackhead smoking like a crack pipe right in front of the courthouse.

Speaker 4 It was crazy.

Speaker 98 Because, you know, everything legal out there.

Speaker 116 Was it a mirror?

Speaker 71 Was there a mirror in front of you?

Speaker 99 Hey, fuck you, Tony.

Speaker 117 Fuck you, motherfucker.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 32 I love you, man.

Speaker 23 I know.

Speaker 6 I went to Portland once, and it was the gayest homeless people I'd ever seen.

Speaker 11 I don't want to.

Speaker 99 It wasn't a whole lot of homeless people, though. It wasn't that many where I was at.
Like, right there by the club.

Speaker 118 Fenton might have.

Speaker 51 Cleared that nouns or something.

Speaker 11 Yeah, Portland's an absolute crazy fucking place.

Speaker 95 It's terrible.

Speaker 99 Yeah, it wasn't that bad where I was at. I ain't really do no research.
You know, I ain't really like drive around looking for crackerheads and that, you know. know.

Speaker 105 Fun fact about Portland, my agent told me this.

Speaker 50 It's a fun fact. He thought that I would find it interesting last week.

Speaker 4 He told me that there's a theater there that

Speaker 108 books comedians that makes still, to this day, mandatory that you're vaccinated for COVID if you want to get into this theater.

Speaker 48 So you could sit around a bunch of people that get sick five times a year.

Speaker 121 Yeah,

Speaker 122 but at least you...

Speaker 49 feel like you did something.

Speaker 67 I did that.

Speaker 6 The other thing, they have like, what are they, the sign language lady?

Speaker 81 Uh-huh.

Speaker 6 And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady doing my set. And halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people.

Speaker 54 It's very liberal there.

Speaker 25 It's very liberal. I feel like the police in Portland lock their doors when they see black people.

Speaker 99 Hey, the show, she was there on Saturday. As soon as I got on the stage, I was like, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga.

Speaker 98 She was just doing, she was doing all kinds of shit with her hands.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 81 She just stopped at a point.

Speaker 25 She was calling the police and sign language.

Speaker 128 Basically, basically that was going on.

Speaker 129 Gang signs.

Speaker 51 Incredible.

Speaker 14 All right, David. Well, way to get the show started.

Speaker 130 You did it.

Speaker 26 There's a few 50 seconds from David Jolly.

Speaker 9 And it has begun.

Speaker 131 Here we go.

Speaker 9 All right, let me just say

Speaker 16 we don't need to shake everybody's hand as we go off.

Speaker 96 This is good that you did it with David.

Speaker 6 You know, David, but it was an opportunity to do a cool black handshake together.

Speaker 9 Let's see it. Now I want to see it.

Speaker 111 Let's do it.

Speaker 51 Wow. Oh, shit.

Speaker 28 Wow.

Speaker 4 All right, David. There you go.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 68 There you go. There he goes, everybody.

Speaker 96 David Chault.

Speaker 4 Alright.

Speaker 84 Oh, my God.

Speaker 9 You know what that sound means. The lovely Heidi has arrived.

Speaker 106 Wow.

Speaker 105 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 4 Old car horn indeed.

Speaker 68 All right, your first bucket pull, people. This is where it goes down.

Speaker 124 This is where stars are born and idiots are found.

Speaker 96 Anything can happen.

Speaker 9 This is Kill Tony.

Speaker 76 Your first bucket bull of the night is Joseph Paul Alampi, everybody.

Speaker 118 Joseph Paul Alampe.

Speaker 61 Here we go.

Speaker 132 I would exterminate those bugs like I was in the party in the 1940s for room and board, of course.

Speaker 81 That's a callback. Okay.

Speaker 132 Let's give it a round of applause for Mary. Everybody, Mary, Mary!

Speaker 132 Mary, Mary, Mary!

Speaker 132 Oh, hi there.

Speaker 134 Oh my god,

Speaker 132 this is a different sort of ship.

Speaker 134 Holy fuck, this guy.

Speaker 132 I'm Mary.

Speaker 132 Sometimes the aliens talk to me in my sleep or when I'm

Speaker 134 awake, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 132 And I'm all out of fucking tinfoil.

Speaker 132 Wait, go back on the X. Where's the X? I don't know.
Is the X in my head? Did I take any X?

Speaker 132 Stop taking X because I think it's like in the psychic sphere or something.

Speaker 132 My grandson, my grandson was also electrocuted. I was electrocuted.
I'll break the fifth wall.

Speaker 134 I love you, Tony.

Speaker 65 Wow, shockingly, unbelievably, incredibly, unbelievably, shockingly bad.

Speaker 82 I mean, just wow, nothing.

Speaker 71 Kim Congdon.

Speaker 25 Dude, when he came out, I swear to God, I thought it was Roseanne, and she finally got dementia.

Speaker 25 He looks like the dude from that movie, Split.

Speaker 135 It's Adam Gay.

Speaker 15 Okay, Red Band, maybe put that fucking mic down permanently.

Speaker 10 Lock it up.

Speaker 64 Lock it up.

Speaker 67 Okay.

Speaker 6 You know, and Back to the Future, where Michael J. Fox plays to his parents' generation?

Speaker 6 Your kids are going to love that.

Speaker 89 You're not ready for it yet.

Speaker 6 But that's 20 years' time.

Speaker 81 I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend.

Speaker 19 I am so intrigued by how bad that was, Joseph, Paula, Lampy.

Speaker 56 How long have you...

Speaker 136 Over here, Joseph.

Speaker 117 Look right at me.

Speaker 16 How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 26 About a year. Two years.
About a year.

Speaker 136 Did you prepare anything? It seemed like that was very improvised.

Speaker 86 What do you have written down on your hand

Speaker 138 I love talking to you now, this like real guy that's like, fuck, I fucked up. Some dude in a wig that just like fucking bombed, man.

Speaker 75 I love it.

Speaker 125 It must be crazy to bomb in a mumu.

Speaker 4 I'm a cuckoo in a moo-boo.

Speaker 57 Okay, so you still definitely had nothing prepared.

Speaker 41 I do.

Speaker 16 Like, I feel like if I put that dress and a wig on any other dude in this room, they'd be like so much funnier than you, right?

Speaker 140 That's all right.

Speaker 6 Did you? They didn't, Tony.

Speaker 6 You know, it's like abstract art.

Speaker 111 A four-year-old could do that, but they didn't.

Speaker 6 He's out here taking chances.

Speaker 76 That is true. That's a

Speaker 6 very, it was not a good one.

Speaker 17 Very, but very positive, very positive analysis of what just happened here.

Speaker 25 Yeah, but this is like one of those chances where you fuck a hooker with no condom and get a disease, you know?

Speaker 101 Okay, all right.

Speaker 42 So let's just, Joseph, stick with me over here.

Speaker 19 Over here, Joseph.

Speaker 122 You ready?

Speaker 41 So you've been doing it a year.

Speaker 139 Give me a joke that you prepared for tonight.

Speaker 69 Like something that you would do.

Speaker 16 Like where you're like, all I have to do is say this, like this, and this will work.

Speaker 20 What was something that you had in your head, on your hand, written, anything?

Speaker 103 What do you got there?

Speaker 56 Because you didn't do any of that on your hand, did you?

Speaker 139 Oh, my God, you have so much shit.

Speaker 47 You have writing all over your hand, and you did nothing.

Speaker 127 You said, wow, look, there's a band. Can I read one?

Speaker 56 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 132 Let Joseph fucking say, what do you think the best joke well i just have stories or whatever like cat piss girl what does that mean so cat piss girl i didn't have sex i still haven't sex right now i haven't sex so i didn't have sex for like two years uh-huh and i moved to tampa uh-huh and so i was a you know i was talking to this girl outside for like like a half hour and i believe she was intoxicated

Speaker 121 joseph yeah keep going okay sorry

Speaker 69 you're so desperate for a laugh that like somebody sneezing in the crowd throws you off.

Speaker 102 Like, oh, is that a laugh?

Speaker 144 You're like pausing for shit.

Speaker 136 There's nothing happening here.

Speaker 112 You have to hit something for it to be funny.

Speaker 99 So we went up to her room to fuck.

Speaker 30 Uh-huh.

Speaker 132 She starts blowing me. Uh-huh.
Except the smell of ammonia

Speaker 132 made my dick go soft. Uh-huh.
And that was it.

Speaker 145 That's this cap. That is your child.

Speaker 7 Jeff Pilesh.

Speaker 69 That's your fucking one year in the game.

Speaker 86 That's your number one go-to.

Speaker 112 No real fucking.

Speaker 26 Wow, it fucking hard.

Speaker 23 Joseph Paul.

Speaker 30 Oh my God.

Speaker 91 How old are you?

Speaker 47 50.

Speaker 136 What?

Speaker 136 Is that not a wig?

Speaker 51 I thought that was a wig you're wearing.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 It's Gary Busen.

Speaker 54 Oh, my God.

Speaker 19 Wow, for all of you seven-year-olds listening,

Speaker 25 he looks like Bruce Willis now.

Speaker 106 Wow.

Speaker 112 You're not really 50. You're not really 50, are you?

Speaker 4 I'm sorry. Are you really 50?

Speaker 26 Yeah, 50.

Speaker 132 Drink lots of water. Listen to your grandmother.
Eat your vegetables.

Speaker 71 You've got huge, full lips.

Speaker 132 That's another one. Yeah, I was made fun of for having huge lips as a kid.

Speaker 130 Okay, what's that joke?

Speaker 118 You heard it. You said...

Speaker 5 Nice. Is that it?

Speaker 62 You just have setups for your jokes.

Speaker 79 Do you know that?

Speaker 24 You haven't finished.

Speaker 132 They used to call me Blowjob Boy.

Speaker 107 Okay.

Speaker 136 So whoever called you Blowjob Boy should be the one signing up for the show.

Speaker 59 You see that?

Speaker 56 Because they're kind of funny.

Speaker 22 You're just repeating something that somebody called you once.

Speaker 47 Okay, what do you do for work, 50-year-old?

Speaker 14 I got laid off.

Speaker 108 Okay, what did you used to do?

Speaker 132 I was a security guard. I was a personal trainer, a Tai Chi instructor.
I think Redband would benefit from me if you wanted to know.

Speaker 101 How?

Speaker 88 Personal trainer?

Speaker 4 Is that what you're implying?

Speaker 23 No, Mulu.

Speaker 132 I would love to train Red Band. It'll help him out.

Speaker 146 Okay. Whatever.

Speaker 93 Jesus, Joseph.

Speaker 141 Oh, God.

Speaker 18 Do you have any crazy life streams?

Speaker 81 I was electrocuted.

Speaker 47 Uh-huh. I believe that.

Speaker 4 I definitely believe that.

Speaker 83 There you go.

Speaker 117 All right.

Speaker 4 He's RoboCop.

Speaker 80 He does look like PowerPoint.

Speaker 62 Can we get a couple more references

Speaker 77 from the 80s, please, Red Band?

Speaker 105 Can we get perhaps another Gary Busey or Robocop reference? What do you got?

Speaker 4 There you go. All right.

Speaker 141 There it is.

Speaker 117 There we go.

Speaker 76 It's got a lot of energy tonight.

Speaker 68 Is there any redeeming quality about you whatsoever?

Speaker 69 You did nothing funny. I like that it's kind of character-y, but you did fucking nothing.

Speaker 41 You got electrocuted once, and people made fun of you.

Speaker 88 What else?

Speaker 132 Well, you don't want to hear how I got electrocuted?

Speaker 57 If it's interesting, my guess is it was a fucking accident.

Speaker 132 So I used to play outside of a deli and they didn't ground the ice box, the ice machine.

Speaker 133 So I put my hand on the

Speaker 133 one pole and the other pole and

Speaker 51 that's it.

Speaker 132 And then I did it again.

Speaker 148 That's the story of you getting electrocuted.

Speaker 33 This is the hardest.

Speaker 149 Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 33 Fucking fuck me.

Speaker 74 No, it's a fuck my ass, Tony.

Speaker 20 No, no, no, no, no. Stick with me.

Speaker 99 Fuck me in the ass.

Speaker 73 Stick with me, Joseph. That's better.

Speaker 4 That's better.

Speaker 6 That's a character.

Speaker 132 What about your big fucking blowjob lips? Did they ever make fun of your big blowjob lips?

Speaker 4 You have beautiful emerald eyes.

Speaker 150 That's the...

Speaker 108 See, you said it there at the end.

Speaker 95 I have beautiful lips.

Speaker 98 No, I said emerald eyes.

Speaker 108 I was going to do it as Mary, but you know.

Speaker 4 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 113 Joseph Paul Alampi.

Speaker 71 There's something in there, man.

Speaker 142 I see it, right?

Speaker 48 You can kind of see it.

Speaker 30 When he gets mad, you can kind of see it.

Speaker 6 There might be a comedian inside of you.

Speaker 90 Read another joke off your fucking hand.

Speaker 4 Well, I went to an awful.

Speaker 41 You've been doing this a year.

Speaker 47 Hurry the fuck up.

Speaker 6 Also, I keep getting angry at Tiny. That was great.

Speaker 132 If a tree falls in the woods, uh-huh, doesn't make a sound if nobody's there. If I say the N-word

Speaker 145 in the woods,

Speaker 132 do ninjas start to fall out of the sky? Because, you know, whatever the fuck I was.

Speaker 64 Nothing makes any sense with you.

Speaker 61 I gotta get you out of here, Joseph.

Speaker 15 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 75 you know what I don't think you get a little joke buck

Speaker 11 Joseph Paula Lampy maybe next time sign up again Joseph James seriously do not fucking fist bump everybody that comes out here it's so annoying stop

Speaker 30 it's fucking retarded what are you making friends are you networking here tonight it's a lonely city it's it's not

Speaker 61 Another three-word name coming at you.

Speaker 45 Ladies and gentlemen, another bucket pull.

Speaker 61 Clearly, fucking anything can happen

Speaker 60 clearly this show is not produced at all

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Speaker 48 Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Speaker 151 Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

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Speaker 151 There's only one DC.

Speaker 151 Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Speaker 45 Make some noise for Isaac Kane Brown.

Speaker 28 Isaac Kane Brown.

Speaker 145 I've been dating a girl recently with a pretty big red flag.

Speaker 145 I think it's Chinese or something. I'm not too sure.

Speaker 145 I've been thinking I should be in the UFC.

Speaker 145 The way I've been fighting these gay thoughts,

Speaker 145 I think it's going to come down to a decision.

Speaker 145 I think the black guy's going to win. I don't know.

Speaker 145 Have you guys ever noticed that veterans and trans people are a lot alike?

Speaker 145 Like, you don't have to ask them, they'll tell you about it.

Speaker 145 They have a hard time finding employment,

Speaker 145 and sometimes they kill themselves.

Speaker 145 Which is honestly just a burden off our shoulders.

Speaker 9 Wow, Isaac Kane Brown

Speaker 9 Completely saging the room of Joseph Paul Alampi.

Speaker 16 Two comedians, six names in total.

Speaker 39 Isaac Kane Brown, totally different guy.

Speaker 53 No wigs, no dresses.

Speaker 73 Jokes.

Speaker 50 It's incredible what jokes do on this show. Yes, sir.

Speaker 16 How long have you been doing stand-up, Isaac Kane Brown?

Speaker 145 A little over two years.

Speaker 88 Two years. Where at?

Speaker 145 Started in Illinois, Peoria.

Speaker 61 Okay, a lot of greats from Peoria.

Speaker 50 Richard Pryor, Sam Kennison.

Speaker 145 Yes, sir.

Speaker 137 And Isaac Kane Brown.

Speaker 108 What do you do for work?

Speaker 145 I sell Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

Speaker 9 James McCann has entered the chat.

Speaker 17 That's some kind of like what?

Speaker 105 Anybody?

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's a training card guy. I'm from Japan, but do you have to be in that store?

Speaker 145 No, I just, I kind of like buy them and then sell them on eBay.

Speaker 130 You're a shock.

Speaker 91 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 145 I overcharge the shit out of them.

Speaker 117 It works out great.

Speaker 73 Wow. There's a demand for that for Japanese playing cards.

Speaker 100 Yeah, kind of.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 137 All right. What do you do for fun?

Speaker 145 Honestly, I get really high and then walk through the park and get scared. That's kind of.

Speaker 145 That's good.

Speaker 146 At least you're walking and being real.

Speaker 48 That makes sense.

Speaker 149 Yeah, it makes sense. It's scary.
There's a lot of people.

Speaker 11 It is scary.

Speaker 145 what scares you just the just the idea of being seen and oh no just like basic human interaction terrifies this shit out of me do people say hi to you when you're at the park yeah i just walk fast

Speaker 4 hell yeah

Speaker 73 how old are you i'm 28 28 absolutely selling japanese cards doing comedy and being scared in the park i love it What's your love life like?

Speaker 119 Are you really dating a girl that has red flags?

Speaker 145 I am. I have recently started dating a girl that's been fun.
She's very sweet.

Speaker 16 How long have you been in this relationship?

Speaker 31 Four months.

Speaker 16 Four months. What does she do?

Speaker 145 She's a dog groomer.

Speaker 146 A dog groomer?

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 155 Wow.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 145 The eye contact's freaking me the fuck out.

Speaker 30 I can't.

Speaker 105 Ah, shit.

Speaker 30 He's acknowledging my eyes tonight.

Speaker 112 My emerald eyes, as Joseph Paul Alampe called them.

Speaker 4 Whatever the fuck that means.

Speaker 112 They're so blue.

Speaker 70 They are so blue.

Speaker 4 They are blue.

Speaker 144 Shockingly, strikingly blue.

Speaker 80 Dude, he is shaking like he just shot a buck.

Speaker 64 You think my eyes are scary now?

Speaker 16 Wait till you see me walking in the park at this point.

Speaker 110 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 106 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 61 I'm going to find out what park you go to.

Speaker 75 No. And I'm just going to walk around waiting for you.

Speaker 145 Oh, I hate every second of this.

Speaker 156 Oh, this show's so crazy.

Speaker 4 What a fucking difference one bucket pool makes for the next, huh?

Speaker 92 This guy's just being honest up there saying he's scared.

Speaker 145 I don't know what to do with my hands, dude.

Speaker 14 Nobody really does.

Speaker 81 If you figure it out, you let me know.

Speaker 54 It is an interesting thing.

Speaker 6 You can grab the stand, you can put them behind your back.

Speaker 103 That's good.

Speaker 114 Yeah, put them behind your back.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's powerful.

Speaker 29 Yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 4 All right, cool.

Speaker 111 No one's rocking that one. I've been thinking about doing that.

Speaker 83 Wait, what?

Speaker 6 I've been thinking about doing all my jugs like this. Hey, everybody, I'm from Australia.

Speaker 51 Oh, teacup over there.

Speaker 108 That would be crazy.

Speaker 4 This one, if you're a gay or a woman, that's an option.

Speaker 115 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 145 I'm neither of those, but yeah, keep going. All right.

Speaker 51 You could also hold the microphone.

Speaker 3 Oh, the two hands?

Speaker 19 Yeah, that's take it out with the microphone.

Speaker 17 We know Red Band.

Speaker 45 We know that they can hold the microphone, Red Band.

Speaker 146 I love it.

Speaker 70 So, Isaac Kane Brown, let me ask you, there's got to be something.

Speaker 40 When you go to the park, you just walk with your shoes on and just fucking, you just, like, stay on, like, a path?

Speaker 47 Do you cut through? Do you go on grass?

Speaker 4 You take a horse sometimes?

Speaker 121 You have a little horse, a little miniature pony?

Speaker 145 I try to start on the trail, but then people keep walking by and I'm like, ah, fuck, they're looking at me. So I just, I walk straight through the middle of the park as fast as I can to my Uber.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 137 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 141 That is amazing.

Speaker 17 I mean, how about at nighttime?

Speaker 142 What do you do for fun at nighttime?

Speaker 37 Eat go-gurt.

Speaker 145 Honestly, I just try not to masturbate.

Speaker 51 I love masturbating.

Speaker 28 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 111 I want to give that one a fizz bump.

Speaker 23 I want to celebrate that.

Speaker 83 I want to.

Speaker 105 You love it.

Speaker 6 Oh, boy. If you get out there on the the road as a stand-up comedian alone in those hotels, good luck, friend.

Speaker 73 What do you like to masturbate to, Isaac Kane Brown?

Speaker 119 You're the kind of guy that looks like you like jerking off to like memories.

Speaker 145 I really just like the videos where the women are giving like words of encouragement.

Speaker 8 Stop!

Speaker 6 Stop! He's gonna come!

Speaker 117 Wow, there's a lot of white people here.

Speaker 145 Is there one black guy here?

Speaker 19 Yeah, I can't.

Speaker 50 Of course there's a black guy.

Speaker 93 Look, there's one right there.

Speaker 145 Oh, do you guys like count them?

Speaker 83 Because they're in the dark.

Speaker 83 Oh, oh.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Oh, wow. They're so close.

Speaker 72 Yes.

Speaker 90 So, what kind of words of encouragement do these ladies say

Speaker 90 that you're into? Like, what's one that you've heard?

Speaker 54 I've never even seen this before.

Speaker 108 I get

Speaker 153 good boy.

Speaker 108 That's pretty.

Speaker 145 Wow. Yeah, you know.

Speaker 117 I don't like this anymore.

Speaker 6 Wow. That is hard because

Speaker 111 they're telling you you're a good boy, but you're doing a pretty dark and shameful thing.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 112 And then you feel really good, and then you feel really bad.

Speaker 81 You're trapped.

Speaker 51 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 153 It's very Catholic, yeah.

Speaker 75 James McCann, our senior Catholic chorus.

Speaker 77 Man, he's speaking my language.

Speaker 6 I understand.

Speaker 41 Well, Isaac Kane Brown, good news for you.

Speaker 17 We're going to send you upstairs to go get seen by the talent booker of the comedy mothership at Amigot right now.

Speaker 9 And you get a big joke, Buck.

Speaker 15 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 108 That has to be your worst nightmare.

Speaker 6 I'd love to have you on the Secret Show too, Thursday.

Speaker 15 And you get to do the Secret Show on Thursday.

Speaker 61 Yeah, you go that way.

Speaker 63 What other way would there be?

Speaker 105 It's like this way?

Speaker 105 This way towards where i came from

Speaker 41 all right so there you go that's the two extremes of what can happen here on killtony it's basically the show's over we just have to kill time for another hour and a half but between those two guys that's what the show is some of it's fucking absolute hot diggity dog shit and we talk to those people and some of them are just naturally funny We'll see what happens next.

Speaker 96 Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chad O, everybody.

Speaker 54 Chado.

Speaker 157 Thanks, guys. I really needed that.

Speaker 157 It's been a rough week. My son, he came out to me as trans this week.

Speaker 157 He said, Dad, I think I'd be happy if I was a woman. I said, Son, I've never met a happy woman.

Speaker 157 I almost recently died, also the last couple weeks.

Speaker 157 I woke up in the hospital. My wife was next to me crying.
I thought, well, this is the woman who's been there for me. I finally got somebody, you know, I can be there for and trust.

Speaker 157 And she's like, Chad, please don't die. I can't get Hulu on the TV.

Speaker 157 Yeah,

Speaker 157 I have these, we have a lot of animals, but I have this one little girl dog who keeps on getting out of the fence every time I put her in the backyard.

Speaker 157 And every time she does, she gets fucking pregnant.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 157 So I've been putting a little plan B in her dog food.

Speaker 157 I used to wake up and step in dog shit and be like really mad. Now I wake up in the middle of the night and step in something.
I'm like, God, I hope that's dog shit.

Speaker 157 That's a public passenger joke.

Speaker 105 Chado. Thank you.

Speaker 161 There you go.

Speaker 15 Welcome, Chado.

Speaker 64 You've been on this show before.

Speaker 162 Yeah, it's been a while, but yeah.

Speaker 157 I feel like there's a huge improvement since the last time you were on the show am i correct you feel that yeah yeah huge have you been working hard oh yeah you know at least five nights a week you know yeah five nights a week and when's the last time you were on the show uh was september 11th uh 23.

Speaker 73 wow that's if i remember you were so bad it's one of the worst things that ever happened on september 11th

Speaker 93 this is proof I remember.

Speaker 22 I remember looking at your face and body and being like, this guy's bad.

Speaker 73 So it's just, it just goes to show, who knows, a few years from now, Joseph Paula Lampy could come back up here and crush.

Speaker 86 And I'll be like, didn't you once suck up here?

Speaker 28 Wow.

Speaker 157 I appreciate you saying I crushed. That's cool, man.
Thank you.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 51 All right.

Speaker 122 Shadow, how old are you?

Speaker 157 I'll be 44 this year.

Speaker 48 And how long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 157 Three years now.

Speaker 4 Right. And what do you do for work?

Speaker 157 I own a cannabis college.

Speaker 22 A cannabis college. Yeah.

Speaker 16 Explain to us what that is.

Speaker 157 I teach people how to work in the cannabis industry, Like, you know, good butt tenders, which they should know to recommend for certain elements, et cetera.

Speaker 53 You look like you would be good at that job.

Speaker 29 Thank you. Thank you.
Professor.

Speaker 162 Professor of Cannabis College.

Speaker 103 I'm a professor.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 45 I bet that kills at the cannabis college.

Speaker 95 It does.

Speaker 51 All the students, crazy.

Speaker 6 And some higher education.

Speaker 74 Am I right, everybody? Come on now.

Speaker 26 Come on, everybody.

Speaker 29 Come on, now, everybody.

Speaker 144 I love it.

Speaker 119 How do you start a cannabis college?

Speaker 159 Can anybody do that?

Speaker 157 Yeah, there's no record.

Speaker 14 A website,

Speaker 157 just a lot of marketing. Yeah.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 54 A good, clear website.

Speaker 44 An easy to spell, easy to know website.

Speaker 53 Nothing like the way to get tickets for James McCann's USA tour, in which you would have to go to JDF McCann with two N's.com.

Speaker 73 That's his website that he was in.

Speaker 91 They're welcome.

Speaker 39 M-C-C-A-N-N.

Speaker 163 But it's JDF, not James McCann, not James McCann Comedy J D F so you could just guess a 10,000 times.

Speaker 6 Once again, that's JDF McCann, M-double C-A-N-N.com, and then you have to click a couple things to get to the tickets.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 145 But once you get there, it's great.

Speaker 84 Yes.

Speaker 56 Chado, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 157 I just published a novel, a little psychological thriller.

Speaker 122 Okay, what's it about?

Speaker 157 It's about a female serial killer. She's got OCD, but she gets her relief through her victims, you know.

Speaker 119 Okay, so how does it end?

Speaker 157 She walks away.

Speaker 108 She just walks away.

Speaker 110 That's the...

Speaker 6 The happy ending to your novel is that the serial killer finds inner peace and doesn't have to kill her.

Speaker 157 It's told from her point of view, so you see her whole life go through it, and you kind of want her to walk away from this point.

Speaker 81 Yeah, because she's killing innocent people.

Speaker 30 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11 Is she killing innocent people or is there a specific type that she's killing?

Speaker 157 Who doesn't deserve to fucking die at this point, right?

Speaker 104 Well, all right.

Speaker 32 I absolutely agree.

Speaker 25 He looks a lot like my dad. I really just have to say that.

Speaker 4 Really?

Speaker 125 Fucking weird, yeah.

Speaker 157 I've been told I have dad dick. Yeah.

Speaker 4 No, that's not.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 25 That's not what I was saying.

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 105 Look at this. This facial

Speaker 39 facially looks like your dad.

Speaker 25 Yeah, kind of. You also look like adult rock, but

Speaker 4 adult rock as in the wrestler?

Speaker 25 His kid rock if he ate.

Speaker 66 Oh,

Speaker 106 yeah.

Speaker 25 Thank you.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 80 But he does look like my dad. It's weird.

Speaker 39 Do you play music or anything?

Speaker 29 No, I like that like this.

Speaker 108 You just look like that.

Speaker 22 You've just always looked like that.

Speaker 43 And you can't play a single goddamn instrument.

Speaker 157 I was prophesied that I was going to be a musician growing up in church, you know, churches. So I tried every fucking thing.
I am not musically talented at all.

Speaker 157 God was wrong on that one.

Speaker 133 Okay.

Speaker 11 And you have a girlfriend, Chad?

Speaker 157 I've been married 25 years.

Speaker 30 You're married 25 years.

Speaker 66 What does she do for a living?

Speaker 164 Now

Speaker 157 she takes calls for UPS.

Speaker 66 U-Haul.

Speaker 4 U-Haul, sorry. Okay.

Speaker 51 Same thing.

Speaker 39 How do you keep things interesting in the bedroom?

Speaker 73 25 years.

Speaker 50 How often are you guys having sex?

Speaker 47 Once a month, once a week, once a month?

Speaker 127 A couple times a week still?

Speaker 122 Okay.

Speaker 73 How does that go?

Speaker 69 Is it normally at night, in the morning?

Speaker 100 Usually the morning. I'm kind of worn out at night.

Speaker 157 I'm usually doing mics and shit. She's, you know.

Speaker 122 I get it. She's asleep.

Speaker 54 So what's your move?

Speaker 157 you just when she's asleep you i close the door and lock it and

Speaker 157 that's it she can't get out

Speaker 19 rape ladies and gentlemen we just had a rape confession here because you got you got kids who are gonna be

Speaker 157 but they're adult kids but they still live at home so it's kind of how adult are they uh in their 20s yeah how and how many still live at home well my daughter just moved in with her grandma but uh my son still lives in in his room how old's your son he's uh 23.

Speaker 136 what's he doing with his life Fucking nothing.

Speaker 23 What do you mean, fucking nothing?

Speaker 80 You should fuck your wife louder.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 94 That's what it takes.

Speaker 61 Instead of locking the door, you should leave it open.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 75 That should get him.

Speaker 93 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 122 That should get him out of there.

Speaker 57 I agree.

Speaker 115 Either that or he's going to come and start jerking off right inside the room, watching mom and dad go at it.

Speaker 152 He's got pretty good bits.

Speaker 146 Let me use that.

Speaker 69 He sounds like a real do-nothing. Does he have a job?

Speaker 157 He got recently fired from pinballs.

Speaker 13 How did he get fired from pinballs?

Speaker 54 What do you have to do?

Speaker 157 He was going to the bathroom too much.

Speaker 157 He was hiding out in the bathroom.

Speaker 146 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 16 Okay, so what's he going to do now?

Speaker 25 In his defense, he has to jerk off every time he hears a click.

Speaker 157 I've been taking him to a lot of interviews. He's kind of visually impaired, so I have to drive him around.

Speaker 146 Visually impaired. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 119 What's wrong with his eyesight?

Speaker 157 He's got a few things. He's got the shaky eye thing, and he's got the degenerative thing where he can't...
It's losing his eyesight.

Speaker 100 But he draws really good comics right now.

Speaker 119 Have you thought about teaching him how to play bass guitar?

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 162 Yeah, but my talent has passed on.

Speaker 89 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 56 And the daughter lives with your grandma now?

Speaker 157 Yeah, she couldn't put up with our shit because we were too strict. So she moved in with grandma.

Speaker 50 So she's living with grandma.

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 101 Getting banged out by black dudes at grandma's house.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Is that pretty much what's going on, you think?

Speaker 157 No, she had a bad relationship here, and that's why she moved there, get away from that shit.

Speaker 76 Where does grandma live?

Speaker 157 Grandma lives in Oklahoma.

Speaker 73 Wow, so she's kind of out there in the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 89 Yeah, yeah. She's, yeah.

Speaker 4 And grandma. Grandma's worse than Oklahoma.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 I need to look after my daughter.

Speaker 6 I'm going to send her to the 10 pregnancy capital of the world.

Speaker 7 I actually love Oklahoma.

Speaker 103 That's where we're from.

Speaker 157 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 128 Tulsa, man.

Speaker 157 Oklahoma City is where I grew up.

Speaker 4 Also,

Speaker 6 I'm done with, that's all I know now about Oklahoma.

Speaker 4 Tulsa, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 157 That's a place called Tulsa in Oklahoma.

Speaker 4 When you don't know, you don't have to.

Speaker 30 All right, Trunt.

Speaker 128 Are you Indian?

Speaker 146 No.

Speaker 146 Just the hair.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 You don't have to, like, if you don't know.

Speaker 14 Yes, I know.

Speaker 116 Yeah, you don't have to just make noise.

Speaker 39 I mean, Red Band gets away with it every week, but you don't have to just, if you don't, if you don't have like a thing, you don't have to do anything.

Speaker 148 Last time you were on, you got a little joke book?

Speaker 108 I did. Well, guess what, Chad?

Speaker 91 Yeah,

Speaker 9 This time, you're leaving with a big joke.

Speaker 26 Thank you, guys. Yeah.

Speaker 90 There he goes, Chado, everyone.

Speaker 28 We're having fun.

Speaker 84 Look at this.

Speaker 83 Episode.

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Speaker 13 We're moving on. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Zach Hollis, everyone.

Speaker 58 Okay, there's Heidi again.

Speaker 12 There's Heidi.

Speaker 3 And here comes Zach Hollis, everyone.

Speaker 135 The other day, my smartwatch notified me that I was having a fantastic workout.

Speaker 135 I was taking a shit.

Speaker 135 I don't think I could ever have a normal job because every time I tighten that tie, my dick gets hard.

Speaker 135 I'm getting into BDSM lately, or at least that's what my girl tells the cops.

Speaker 135 Sometimes I fantasize about orgies, so they don't let me near schools anymore.

Speaker 135 I think I'm pretty good at flirting, but it's hard to tell between all their muffled screams, you know?

Speaker 135 I don't like to waste leftovers, so I always eat the fetus afterwards.

Speaker 135 Why do people fantasize about having a zombie apocalypse? You could eat people right now. Like, you don't have to wait, man.

Speaker 130 All right, I think that's probably about my time.

Speaker 75 Just a bunch of creepy bullshit.

Speaker 110 I know, I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 It's really...

Speaker 68 Frightening Kim Congdon.

Speaker 125 I've never seen a comedian do nun liners.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 108 It is almost impressive.

Speaker 56 A lot of good topics, a lot of good premises, and just a fun show.

Speaker 135 You know, it's a short amount of time, so I was really trying to squeeze what I could in there.

Speaker 29 Yeah, you did.

Speaker 166 Yeah, it's not much.

Speaker 135 I'll give it.

Speaker 141 It is the same amount of time that everybody's always gotten on this show.

Speaker 64 Okay, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 4 About two years now.

Speaker 91 Where at?

Speaker 135 All around town, Roscoe's, Kickbud.

Speaker 154 So Austin is the answer.

Speaker 108 What do you do for work?

Speaker 135 Right now I'm a karaoke DJ on the weekends.

Speaker 47 Ooh, a karaoke DJ.

Speaker 71 Tell us about that.

Speaker 77 What is that like?

Speaker 103 Oh, it's awful, man.

Speaker 135 They're always trying to skip the line, bullshit around.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Do they offer you money?

Speaker 47 Do you every week?

Speaker 135 Yeah, they try to bribe their way on stage. Like the worst excuse I've had was I'm dying of cancer.

Speaker 88 Wow.

Speaker 121 Did you let them cut the line?

Speaker 87 No, of course.

Speaker 73 Do you remember what song they wanted to do?

Speaker 103 No, it was a while ago. Okay.

Speaker 101 Well,

Speaker 19 very incredible stuff.

Speaker 46 Karaoke DJ.

Speaker 105 Nothing else about it?

Speaker 135 I mean, I'm doing DoorDash on the weekends, or I'm doing DoorDash in between doing DJ stuff.

Speaker 137 When you say you're doing DoorDash, does that mean you're ordering it clearly?

Speaker 112 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 135 I mean, as much as I can, you know, I'm...

Speaker 96 What do you like to eat?

Speaker 93 You are shaped a specific way.

Speaker 135 I mean, I love a good burger, you know?

Speaker 80 It's always nice.

Speaker 25 You are shaped like a bee.

Speaker 89 Yeah.

Speaker 135 They used to call me a bear in college because I'm so damn hairy.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 135 Not in a good gay way, just

Speaker 51 insulting.

Speaker 6 I was going to say, I don't think that's what that means.

Speaker 85 What do you do for fun, Zach?

Speaker 135 For fun? I'm big into video games. Yeah, I'm addicted to them.
I love it.

Speaker 108 Yeah? What video games?

Speaker 135 I'm playing a new one, Claire Obscure, that came out this week.

Speaker 141 It's amazing. What's that like?

Speaker 52 What do you do on that game?

Speaker 135 It's an RPG.

Speaker 166 It's turn-based.

Speaker 135 Big budget story. It's really nice.
I like it a lot.

Speaker 139 So interesting.

Speaker 17 What's your love life like?

Speaker 135 My love life, me and my girl bought a house about four months ago.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 141 Nice.

Speaker 135 Headed towards marriage eventually.

Speaker 4 We'll see.

Speaker 21 I love it. How can you afford a house?

Speaker 135 Who the hell knows? I worked hard before that, but now I'm trying to get into comedy.

Speaker 119 So, you know. What did you do before that?

Speaker 135 I used to repair restaurants.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 23 Yeah. Worked with power tools.
All right.

Speaker 16 Nice. And you saved money doing that?

Speaker 101 Yeah, a good bit, yeah.

Speaker 17 And now you have a house.

Speaker 119 Yeah. One bedroom, two bedroom?

Speaker 133 It's a three-bedroom?

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 102 Three-bedroom.

Speaker 146 Wow, incredible.

Speaker 119 Absolutely amazing. What are you doing with all those bedrooms?

Speaker 139 Shh.

Speaker 135 I mean, got my computer in one, got the dogs in the other, and then we stay in the last one, you know?

Speaker 54 Computer in one, dogs in the other.

Speaker 76 How many dogs do you have?

Speaker 130 We have two, yeah.

Speaker 149 Okay. All right.

Speaker 159 And what do they do in that room?

Speaker 135 Mostly shit on the floor. Yeah.

Speaker 89 Wow.

Speaker 42 Okay. A bunch of disgusting fucks today so far.

Speaker 51 Pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 4 This is incredible.

Speaker 87 Just people,

Speaker 18 fucking girls whose places smell like cat piss.

Speaker 4 There's guys with floors filled with shit.

Speaker 125 Yo, he's not walking them.

Speaker 91 No, I mean, that's fair.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 146 My goodness.

Speaker 85 So, Zach, what's your house payment like?

Speaker 70 Oh, it's pretty bad.

Speaker 51 It's like 2,000 before bills and everything on top of that.

Speaker 23 2,000 before bills.

Speaker 159 How much money do you have?

Speaker 135 Not enough. I'll tell you that much.
It's getting scary. Quick.

Speaker 95 Give us a ballpark.

Speaker 126 Maybe like $10K in the bank.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 20 $10K in the bank.

Speaker 50 We're going at $2K a month.

Speaker 86 How much money is the wife making?

Speaker 135 Honestly, I'm not sure. I've never asked her that direct question.
She's definitely the breadwinner right now.

Speaker 105 Well, you look like the bread eater.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I am.

Speaker 121 My goodness. And what does she do again?

Speaker 1 She works for a nursing certification board, so she certifies nurses.

Speaker 92 That's like a real job.

Speaker 30 Yeah, apparently.

Speaker 73 And she's fully supportive of you chasing your dreams.

Speaker 133 She loves it.

Speaker 108 Yeah, she's super excited for it.

Speaker 50 Does she come to your shows sometimes?

Speaker 135 When working afford, obviously our schedules don't really align.

Speaker 86 And how long have you been with her?

Speaker 135 Like three, four years now. Okay.

Speaker 54 How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Speaker 135 They're probably not, honestly.

Speaker 14 How often are you guys having sex?

Speaker 135 I don't know. Maybe like three times a week, maybe?

Speaker 23 Three times a week.

Speaker 102 That's pretty good for a guy built like you.

Speaker 148 What does she do that turns you on?

Speaker 41 You end this something?

Speaker 135 She likes to insult me a lot and beat me down.

Speaker 161 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 75 Looks like I could fuck you very easily.

Speaker 28 All right.

Speaker 28 Well.

Speaker 141 What is it? Zach Hollis. Yeah.

Speaker 50 Congratulations, buddy.

Speaker 73 There's a little joke book.

Speaker 15 Next time I would say take your time and fucking pick your...

Speaker 139 Pick your favorite jokes and commit to them.

Speaker 66 Instead of rushing through it, there goes Zach Hollis, everybody.

Speaker 154 Starting a little fire during the show here.

Speaker 66 It's like

Speaker 20 a little tiny fire.

Speaker 137 Little tiny fire on Kiltoni.

Speaker 61 All right, let's get another bucket pull up here.

Speaker 16 This looks like an interesting name.

Speaker 72 You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 90 Let's meet another one.

Speaker 9 This one goes by the name of Tommy Tickles, everybody.

Speaker 66 Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 79 Hey, we know Tommy.

Speaker 9 It's the return of Tommy Tickles, everybody.

Speaker 123 They say that opposites attract.

Speaker 123 If opposites really did attract, then my wife really

Speaker 123 wouldn't have a penis.

Speaker 123 I'm always broke, looking for new ways to make money. Last week I took an ad out in the back of a men's magazine offering $50 blowjobs.

Speaker 123 Now I just got to get my wife on board.

Speaker 19 I've written several books,

Speaker 123 nine different ways to skin a cat.

Speaker 123 You gotta skin it if you're gonna eat it.

Speaker 123 I've been married 13 years.

Speaker 123 And the next book I wrote, I dedicated to my wife,

Speaker 123 101 Ways to Kill Your Wife.

Speaker 123 That book was quickly followed by a sequel, 101 Things to Do in Prison.

Speaker 15 Okay, Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 21 Look at you. You're back.

Speaker 20 I remember you.

Speaker 123 Yes, sir. I came back

Speaker 123 here right at Christmas time.

Speaker 47 I remember you.

Speaker 61 How could I forget you?

Speaker 49 You're like a little fucking, you're like a mouse.

Speaker 26 Well,

Speaker 4 you're a dormer. You're a farmer, rancher.
Yeah, you're a farmer and a rancher. And where is that again?

Speaker 123 Other side of Fredericksburg, about two and a half hours away.

Speaker 149 Okay, you have your own little property out there.

Speaker 123 That's right.

Speaker 95 Hell yeah. Look at him.

Speaker 123 Such a if anybody needs to bury your body, my Instagram account is TommyTickles2025.

Speaker 92 Okay, Tommy Tickles2025.

Speaker 73 This guy's trying to make money disposing of bodies live here on Kiltoni.

Speaker 123 I'm trying to start a pet cemetery.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 71 Wow, everybody tonight is frightening out of the bucket.

Speaker 42 I don't know if anybody's keeping track of that.

Speaker 13 I'm pretty sure that everyone pulled out of the bucket tonight has made a joke about eating either humans or an animal.

Speaker 51 Dude, take that notice.

Speaker 14 I'll just sit on the end again.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's scary.

Speaker 147 It's okay.

Speaker 16 Tommy will just bury you on his property for $50.

Speaker 96 That's all.

Speaker 18 What is there to be scared of?

Speaker 123 If you have a pet, that you need to bury a pet?

Speaker 25 I'm less scared of the murder and more scared of the tickles, to be honest.

Speaker 4 Tommy tickles.

Speaker 123 If your pet's not dead yet, I'll knock 50 bucks off off if you let me kill it.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 75 Oh, my God. Tommy, you're a wild boy.

Speaker 109 Tommy Tickles, how old are you?

Speaker 123 I'm 50. 50 years old.
50.

Speaker 78 Take note that Tommy is the same age as the first comedian.

Speaker 123 You never stop dreaming.

Speaker 56 Oh, and you.

Speaker 141 Red Band's also 50.

Speaker 49 Tommy Tickles, absolutely incredible.

Speaker 6 I'm looking better.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 137 you're looking good, Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 51 You're in good shape.

Speaker 123 Last time you let me roast you.

Speaker 70 I did?

Speaker 123 You ready?

Speaker 95 Okay, yes. Go ahead, Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 19 I'm ready for more, Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 123 Rancher.com recently listed.

Speaker 77 Hold on, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 141 What is that?

Speaker 123 You're about to find it.

Speaker 19 Oh, okay, go ahead, Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 123 Rancher.com just listed, ranked its top comedians of all time.

Speaker 123 Ron White was... ranked at number 14.

Speaker 123 Joe Rogan came in at number 89.

Speaker 123 Tony Hinchcliffe comes in his pants every time he sees Ron White and Joe Rogan.

Speaker 90 That's a very good one, Tommy Turkeles.

Speaker 15 That's very good.

Speaker 9 That's every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Speaker 154 I come in my pants when I see two of my good friends, Ron White and Joe Rogan.

Speaker 75 Give me another one, Tommy.

Speaker 16 Roast me, buddy.

Speaker 123 You're Snow White's eighth dwarf.

Speaker 69 Okay, I'm 5'9, but all right, Tommy.

Speaker 13 I guess I'm a fucking dwarf, even though I'm taller than you, you old f ⁇ .

Speaker 77 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 73 Piece of shit.

Speaker 123 You're a very good-looking guy.

Speaker 123 Some might say you're easy on the eyes. Yeah, emerald.

Speaker 65 Because there's no eyes in the word.

Speaker 123 Because there's no eyes in the word.

Speaker 91 Okay, very good.

Speaker 95 That's two f ⁇ ks.

Speaker 41 We literally, by the way, it's funny, we have a new job we had to make today.

Speaker 32 We have two people now.

Speaker 61 A fun fact about the backbone behind the scenes of Kill Tony.

Speaker 50 We don't really reveal stuff often, but

Speaker 39 we had to hire two people to keep track of every time we say the word f ⁇ on the show.

Speaker 69 Because if we accidentally miss it and it goes on YouTube, it gets completely demonetized, therefore wasting an unbelievable amount of money.

Speaker 112 Who are these f ⁇ s working at YouTube?

Speaker 112 That's right.

Speaker 15 It turns out it's a computer now.

Speaker 72 They have a computer, and it takes us two humans to compete with their computer because somehow they will find a

Speaker 68 in an episode there's nothing you could do to hide

Speaker 123 all right you also have a very nasal voice like uh when you get stuck in traffic they call it nasal congestion okay there you go tommy i swear to god you make fun of me one more time i'm gonna fuck the shit out of you okay

Speaker 139 here we go tommy you live out in the country what's it what's some crazy shit that goes on out there?

Speaker 142 Like, you ever have someone, like, fucking run out of fuel and come up and, like, or anything, like, knock on your door?

Speaker 141 You have guns?

Speaker 101 Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah.

Speaker 22 I love country people.

Speaker 54 I love it.

Speaker 52 How many guns do you have, Tommy?

Speaker 123 I don't count.

Speaker 123 A lot of them are inherited, you know, like passed down.

Speaker 146 Uh-huh.

Speaker 123 So we just have, you know, guns for just doing what guns are supposed to be used for, you know.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 54 What do you use the guns for?

Speaker 123 If you need your pet killed, you go to Tommy Tickles 2020.

Speaker 7 Are you out there killing pets?

Speaker 22 When's the last time you killed a pet?

Speaker 123 No, I don't kill pets.

Speaker 105 Do you have any pets?

Speaker 22 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got what kind of pets do you have?

Speaker 123 I've got a boxer dog, a great white pyrenees.

Speaker 123 We've got llamas.

Speaker 118 Three black guys.

Speaker 24 What do you do with the llamas?

Speaker 4 What do they do?

Speaker 123 They protect sheep and goats from coyotes.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 47 So if a coyote comes, a llama, what does the llama do?

Speaker 123 They'll chase them off like a...

Speaker 22 They chase off...

Speaker 73 Coyotes are scared of llamas.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 147 Can't a coyote kind of fuck up a llama?

Speaker 23 No?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I guess so if they...

Speaker 123 If they ganged up on them, he could. But normally, the best thing about a llama is the scent that they put off.

Speaker 123 So it kind of smells like a horse or a mule, mule and the coyotes don't like that either so just having them around uh protects the babies from even other critters like uh raccoons and fox wow i could just

Speaker 88 talk about this we just had a baby baby llama wow it's incredible tell us more what it's like out there on the ranch of tommy tickles what else could what else could one expect if you ran

Speaker 4 if we were

Speaker 41 If we drove up on your property, what would be some things that we saw or would recognize out there?

Speaker 123 It looks like a a circus. There's just a mass of chickens, and

Speaker 123 we bottle baby a lot of animals that come in from other ranches. And

Speaker 123 if they have a problem, they can bring it to us. And, you know, we've got a few tricks to where we can keep the babies alive.

Speaker 4 And so

Speaker 123 right now my wife's bottle baby bottle feeding 19 different

Speaker 123 little baby goats and sheep.

Speaker 41 19 baby goats and sheep?

Speaker 119 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 123 It's a full chickens.

Speaker 51 Bottles.

Speaker 117 Lots of bottles.

Speaker 139 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 123 And now they think that they are your best friend. And they kind of think that they're human.
And my wife is about the same way. She treats them way better than she treats me.

Speaker 87 She's fucking them.

Speaker 120 Look at the smile on your face.

Speaker 123 Always comes up.

Speaker 77 It's incredible.

Speaker 16 All these other people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight up here trying to keep it together.

Speaker 73 They seem so stressed out.

Speaker 50 And then Tommy Tickles drives out from the countryside, having the time of his life, happy to be here.

Speaker 9 You got like an old-timey pickup truck, don't you?

Speaker 91 I know.

Speaker 64 All right, well, what is it? Chevy

Speaker 123 Silverado, 2,500.

Speaker 66 Oh, wow.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 108 So, yeah, because you use it for shit.

Speaker 158 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 107 Negative.

Speaker 40 Putting haystacks in it and whatnot.

Speaker 123 Hay and

Speaker 123 heavy equipment.

Speaker 38 I know a lot about ranching.

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 55 Sometimes you got to throw a haystack in the old pickup truck, you know?

Speaker 80 Red Rand knows a lot about blue cheese and...

Speaker 121 That's true.

Speaker 22 That's a salad dressing joke.

Speaker 141 Ranch and blue cheese.

Speaker 65 You shouldn't really record all this stuff that's going on in your ranch, though. Like, that's so popular on TikTok and YouTube.

Speaker 42 Have you ever thought about it?

Speaker 123 I do my stand-ups hit in front of my little

Speaker 4 animals.

Speaker 91 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 123 Absolutely. No, I'm.

Speaker 123 Hold on.

Speaker 6 You're doing stand-up to the guts?

Speaker 87 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 97 No shit.

Speaker 6 You're doing kid-friendly stand-up on the table.

Speaker 123 My goat ate my homework, really. It ate half my notes one day.

Speaker 116 Really good jokes.

Speaker 73 What's that goat's name?

Speaker 123 Clown face.

Speaker 4 Clown face.

Speaker 75 Oh, my God. This guy's adorable.

Speaker 97 I would watch your reality show.

Speaker 73 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 123 No, it's a circus. It's worth watching if I ever get around to it.
Sure.

Speaker 89 Wow.

Speaker 139 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 139 What were you about to say just then?

Speaker 123 You and Red Ben remind me of IHOP signature dish.

Speaker 108 Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 9 You know what? Here I am being nice. I'm being a nice guy, saying I'm more interested in your life.
I'd watch a reality show.

Speaker 22 And then here you are insulting me.

Speaker 123 I have watched your roasts on YouTube. Uh-huh.
And there's nothing that I could say that

Speaker 123 would come close to how good you do your roast, but you're also kind of evil so

Speaker 41 i don't really feel bad about this reputation of mine that people think i help more people than any i treat these bucket pools like you treat farm animals i give them all a chance sometimes i

Speaker 42 psychologically bottle feed them

Speaker 40 Tommy, I've been asking people this question.

Speaker 13 How long have you been with your wife?

Speaker 123 13 years.

Speaker 54 How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Speaker 123 Oh, she keeps things exciting.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 24 Give us a little bit of that.

Speaker 13 What do you mean by that exactly?

Speaker 123 Sometimes I don't know if she's going to cut me or fuck me.

Speaker 25 I think she's the girl from his novel.

Speaker 123 She's exciting.

Speaker 16 So can you give us an example of a time in which you didn't know whether you were going to get cut or fucked?

Speaker 73 Like, what do you mean by that exactly?

Speaker 144 She storms in or something or what happens exactly?

Speaker 123 She said something one day and we were sitting in the truck and I said, oh, you want to drive? And I threw the keys in her direction and it accidentally hit her.

Speaker 123 And she got out of the truck and she started running away and I was like, oh shit, I better catch her. So I was going to catch her, but she kept on running further and further away.

Speaker 123 And it's real soft dirt out there or whatever. So I had to tackle her.

Speaker 123 She keyed my truck.

Speaker 46 And then it was all, it was better after that, you know.

Speaker 25 Not the domestic abuse at the tickle farm.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 45 I thought it was going to end in you guys fucking.

Speaker 22 I didn't realize it was going to be a...

Speaker 108 Yeah, then things got exciting.

Speaker 42 You guys had makeup sex right after that?

Speaker 123 Very passionate, this woman.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 73 Was it in the truck or did you guys

Speaker 4 back when you got back home?

Speaker 123 At the circus, yeah, right, absolutely.

Speaker 76 Wow, hell yeah.

Speaker 42 Well, Tommy Tickles, the last time you were on, did you get a big joke book?

Speaker 123 Yes, I did. Would you sign it?

Speaker 39 Okay, yeah, I'll sign it.

Speaker 16 I'll sign it.

Speaker 13 Okay, yeah, I'll sign it.

Speaker 60 If you want me to do it now, yeah.

Speaker 108 Adorable.

Speaker 90 There you go, Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 61 That's for you, buddy.

Speaker 64 Congratulations.

Speaker 58 There you go.

Speaker 9 Tommy Tickles, everybody.

Speaker 15 I bet he's an interesting, uh

Speaker 15 interesting follow.

Speaker 16 I want to see what's going on on that fucking ranch. I want to see with my own eyes.

Speaker 169 Honey punches the votes la forma perfecto depezado de la conto familia. Cono ju las crucientes and elberada los niños de es encanta.
Ademas delicos trosos de granola neses y fruta.

Speaker 169 'Cause que todos vana disbrutal. Honey punchos devotes para todos.
Today alban para sabermás.

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Speaker 131 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 64 Okay, we're gonna break things up here for a second as I introduce one of the newest golden ticket winners on this show.

Speaker 60 I'm getting this guy on back-to-back weeks because he has to go back to Toronto and be a

Speaker 45 very Asian man in Toronto soon, and he's gonna be there for months.

Speaker 60 So here he is before he leaves Austin, Texas, with a brand new minute.

Speaker 65 This is Kansai Yasuda.

Speaker 146 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 172 Hi guys.

Speaker 103 I used to date with this girl, beautiful girl,

Speaker 66 and

Speaker 172 after we did it for one month, she dumped me

Speaker 173 and I was devastated.

Speaker 172 I was sad because she didn't tell me a reason why.

Speaker 172 So I went up to Facebook and see what was going on in her life.

Speaker 173 Turns out she used to date with this huge

Speaker 172 black masculine man.

Speaker 172 And after dumping me, she's back with this huge, same black masculine man again.

Speaker 172 And do you guys eat sushi?

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 172 Do you guys know there's the reason why there's a little ginger right next to sushi?

Speaker 172 Yeah, it's a palate cleanser.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 172 So this bitch used me for poly cleanser

Speaker 172 because she didn't want to eat big black tuna

Speaker 131 twice in a low.

Speaker 91 You know, she

Speaker 172 has to eat pickle ginger peanut in between.

Speaker 91 Thank you.

Speaker 159 Kansai

Speaker 51 Suda.

Speaker 117 Hello. Hi.
Wow.

Speaker 95 Hi, Tony.

Speaker 141 Hello, Kansai. Hello.

Speaker 53 One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show.

Speaker 50 You're so stoic.

Speaker 49 You're so Asian.

Speaker 149 Thank you.

Speaker 95 You're welcome.

Speaker 54 You've been in Austin for a couple weeks now. How's it been going for you?

Speaker 172 It's amazing. I got, I'm living with a black roommate right now.

Speaker 13 You're living with a black roommate?

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 49 Okay, what is that like for you?

Speaker 25 Well, he's wearing his clothes.

Speaker 80 You look like George Talkies.

Speaker 101 What?

Speaker 54 George Talkies.

Speaker 50 George Talkies.

Speaker 47 What do you think that means, Kansai?

Speaker 140 George Talkies?

Speaker 159 If you get it right, I'll give you a million dollars.

Speaker 50 George talkies.

Speaker 56 Kim, you idiot, I just offered him a million dollars.

Speaker 122 Silly bitch.

Speaker 112 Just out here like explaining with many words.

Speaker 135 Blackman?

Speaker 122 That is correct. Black man.

Speaker 4 Breckman.

Speaker 90 There you go. You just want a million dollars.

Speaker 122 Yes.

Speaker 14 Okay. So what's it like having a black roommate?

Speaker 172 It's very new culture to me.

Speaker 51 Yeah, explain exactly what you mean.

Speaker 73 What is different about the black culture than what you're used to in both Canada and Japan?

Speaker 133 It's a

Speaker 6 he every day he chases

Speaker 172 he wants to chase holes.

Speaker 76 That's what

Speaker 56 chases what?

Speaker 1 Chases chase holes.

Speaker 103 That's that's

Speaker 51 holes, hoes, hoes, hoes,

Speaker 1 Chases hoe every day and

Speaker 172 I'm

Speaker 172 I'm like tired because you're tired because he's bringing them home and they're making noise making so much noise

Speaker 16 and you can't you can't sleep at night.

Speaker 119 There's so much noise.

Speaker 66 I go out

Speaker 172 I just go outside and then go to library or like, you know, just go to coffee shop and then

Speaker 49 write

Speaker 146 right, right?

Speaker 6 See, a Japanese man knows he doesn't have to chase the hoes, you know. You stand next to them on public transport and you grab.

Speaker 82 That's the

Speaker 6 you, I know it's a beautiful part of your culture.

Speaker 71 Yeah, big fan.

Speaker 95 Yeah, we tap that ass in a

Speaker 23 train.

Speaker 57 So you had a black roommate, but now you're about to head back to Canada this week.

Speaker 54 Am I correct?

Speaker 173 Yes.

Speaker 73 So what is he going to do now that his roommate is leaving?

Speaker 8 Well,

Speaker 172 he's going to

Speaker 173 chase some holes again.

Speaker 146 Right.

Speaker 86 Yeah, but how's he going to...

Speaker 44 Aren't you helping pay rent?

Speaker 172 Oh, no, no, he's just letting me stay. So

Speaker 4 really?

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 85 This is Trump's America, everybody, to where young black men can support having an immigrant on their couch.

Speaker 17 Who would have thought the economy would be so good, so fast?

Speaker 114 Me.

Speaker 105 I did. I thought that's a go.

Speaker 26 All right.

Speaker 48 Kansai Yasuda, give us something else.

Speaker 85 What have you been doing for fun here in Austin?

Speaker 108 We know that you're working hard.

Speaker 41 We know that you do a lot of spots.

Speaker 159 You're a draw.

Speaker 50 People are booking you on their shows, especially since you have this new Kiltoni fame, the bump.

Speaker 155 The bump, the bump,

Speaker 173 Hans Kim, yes, took me to his tour.

Speaker 23 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 89 wow, look at that!

Speaker 23 Yeah, uh-huh.

Speaker 172 We went to I went to his house,

Speaker 101 yeah,

Speaker 172 and two fat cat

Speaker 173 he had

Speaker 91 what two fat cat two fat cats, yeah, uh-huh, One's really gay.

Speaker 51 Very good. Okay.

Speaker 66 And then.

Speaker 23 Uh-huh.

Speaker 139 So what did you guys do with the two-fat cat?

Speaker 17 Just tried to not eat them the entire time?

Speaker 173 It was difficult.

Speaker 173 But yeah, that was yeah, two fat cat.

Speaker 103 And then

Speaker 172 we pray Mario Brothers.

Speaker 107 Ah, God, that is so Asian.

Speaker 122 just two asian guys playing mari playing a nintendo

Speaker 107 oh you like a nintendo too yeah i like a nintendo

Speaker 32 oh there's a fatakata

Speaker 128 fatakata and nintendo who you gonna be i'll be a luigi

Speaker 128 i'm going to be the princess

Speaker 128 Oh, I'm gonna switch.

Speaker 107 I'm gonna be a toad store.

Speaker 83 All right.

Speaker 86 What character are you on Mario at?

Speaker 32 waruigi waruigi oh very good

Speaker 159 waluigi

Speaker 146 well why do you go with waluigi well it's

Speaker 91 yeah it

Speaker 164 waruigi looks like

Speaker 75 what we looks like tony a little bit oh you are you making fun of me everyone's taking shots

Speaker 14 All I do is help everybody and everybody comes up.

Speaker 79 This lady's shooting imaginary guns at me.

Speaker 5 This lady in the the front row is like,

Speaker 100 What the fuck is going on here?

Speaker 89 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Speaker 89 fireballs!

Speaker 117 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 45 Oh, now you want to cheer.

Speaker 101 All right.

Speaker 77 Kansai Yasuda, we're going to miss you so much.

Speaker 48 Have you guys seen Kansai around town?

Speaker 6 I've never seen you before. I think you're great.

Speaker 51 He really is.

Speaker 25 I've seen a few of them.

Speaker 72 Are you excited to go back home to Toronto and sit around and eat ramen every day?

Speaker 172 I want to eat ramen every day here.

Speaker 85 You eat ramen every day here too?

Speaker 172 I eat ramen, the Korean ramen.

Speaker 3 The Korean ramen.

Speaker 172 Yeah, I cook it with my black friend.

Speaker 51 Whoa.

Speaker 139 What's in the ramen?

Speaker 164 Sausage.

Speaker 107 sausage? Sausage.

Speaker 4 Sausage?

Speaker 67 Wow, I lived 40 fucking years.

Speaker 71 I never heard it called that.

Speaker 168 Sausage. Sausage.

Speaker 89 God damn.

Speaker 168 That is fucking sausage.

Speaker 102 Sausage.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 73 Sausage.

Speaker 164 Sausage. Sausage.

Speaker 77 Try it like this. Try it like this.

Speaker 14 Go.

Speaker 164 Sausage. I eat sausage.

Speaker 173 I love sausage.

Speaker 172 I love ramen. Sig.

Speaker 164 Sausage. Try sig.
I love sage.

Speaker 22 Just say sig.

Speaker 164 Sig. Sig.
Sig.

Speaker 66 No, no.

Speaker 119 No, you don't have to make it Italian. You don't have to make it Italian.

Speaker 18 Just because I extra Asian everything with you doesn't mean you need to Italian it with me.

Speaker 119 So try this. Just watch me.
Watch me go sig.

Speaker 4 Sig. Now go

Speaker 108 now go sausage.

Speaker 164 Sausage.

Speaker 116 Nah, you're still a little sage.

Speaker 16 You're trying to make it an A.

Speaker 41 Let's stick with an I here, even though it is an A and a U, but it sounds like an I.

Speaker 164 Sausage.

Speaker 14 No, no, not sausage.

Speaker 18 Sausage. Let's try it one more time.

Speaker 119 Watch me, watch me.

Speaker 57 Sig, sig, sausage.

Speaker 29 Sausage.

Speaker 4 Do it.

Speaker 6 Do it. It's a noise in the end.

Speaker 164 Sausage.

Speaker 24 No, it just

Speaker 152 craps.

Speaker 18 It's so Asian.

Speaker 82 Sausage.

Speaker 4 You can't make it.

Speaker 80 My eyes are getting smaller.

Speaker 132 So Sia.

Speaker 22 It's hot. Okay, let's try it in a full sentence.

Speaker 163 Waluigi ate lots of sausage.

Speaker 164 Waluigi ate a lot of sausage.

Speaker 9 God damn it, Kansai Yasuda.

Speaker 9 We love you, Kansai. You're killing it.
Enjoy Canada. We'll see you soon.
Thank you. One of the top Young Rising stars on the show.

Speaker 111 That is indeed Kansai Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 123 All right, we're gonna keep what?

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's great.

Speaker 107 Right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we love him.

Speaker 45 We love Kansai Yasuda.

Speaker 61 All right, your next bucket pull.

Speaker 41 This looks like a new name.

Speaker 60 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

Speaker 124 Going to Alex Tartun. Alex Tartun.

Speaker 152 So I'm not transgender

Speaker 152 right now.

Speaker 152 But I am thinking about it. So I might be a trans later.

Speaker 152 I'm actually kind of odd.

Speaker 152 I'm odd like an eight ball.

Speaker 152 I'm even, black.

Speaker 152 I'm even black.

Speaker 152 I got this odd problem I'm trying to figure out.

Speaker 152 So there's three planes that depart from a Boston airport within a 20-minute window and collide with a building each.

Speaker 152 Now if X represents the plane that hit the Pentagon,

Speaker 152 I'm trying to solve for why the government won't show me the footage.

Speaker 152 20 years still figuring it out, you know?

Speaker 152 Thank you.

Speaker 152 Thank you very much.

Speaker 95 58 seconds from Alex Tartun.

Speaker 124 Am I saying that correctly? Tartun?

Speaker 152 Tarshun.

Speaker 156 Tarshun.

Speaker 4 Okay, what ethnicity are you exactly?

Speaker 152 I'm African and Italian. Wow.
A lot of Sicilian in there, too.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 40 African and Italian.

Speaker 6 That's the accent the last guy was doing.

Speaker 106 That's great.

Speaker 159 What do you mean?

Speaker 7 Sausage.

Speaker 168 Sausage.

Speaker 81 Sausage.

Speaker 164 Sausage.

Speaker 48 Alex, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 152 About 11 years.

Speaker 146 Wow.

Speaker 4 11 years.

Speaker 56 Where at?

Speaker 152 Mostly New York. Okay.
A little bit of Portland. Didn't Didn't work out well.

Speaker 149 Right.

Speaker 121 Okay. How did you end up in New York?

Speaker 152 Is that where you're from? Oh, yeah, I'm from Westchester.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 120 All right. And you live here now?

Speaker 47 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 70 Yep.

Speaker 13 What made you move here?

Speaker 127 This, baby.

Speaker 4 Okay, baby.

Speaker 93 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 48 Those eyes, dude.

Speaker 16 It's just the old emerald eyes of Tony Hinchcliffe. That's my new nickname.

Speaker 141 Emerald Eyes.

Speaker 47 Okay, look at you.

Speaker 4 I mean, holy shit.

Speaker 146 You look like you would be the first pick in the garbage man draft.

Speaker 93 It is just incredible what's happening here.

Speaker 152 Well, you know what? I've been trying to sign up for a while, and I keep trying different things. Like, I actually just gave up on socks completely.

Speaker 30 Hold on a second.

Speaker 16 I'm going to need a second here, everybody.

Speaker 57 You're saying that you've been signing up for the show for a while, and you haven't been getting pulled randomly out of the bucket.

Speaker 57 And you think that doing different things, for example, not wearing socks, would help make you lucky enough to get pulled out of the the bucket.

Speaker 152 Well,

Speaker 152 I kept wearing like pants

Speaker 152 and like clothes and stuff, and I was like, you know what? It's not working.

Speaker 6 You can't argue with results. This man is here.

Speaker 26 The system works.

Speaker 22 There's going to be fucking 65 people that stop wearing socks next week because of this fucking moment right here.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 16 What are some other things that you did to help your life?

Speaker 78 How many weeks have you signed up?

Speaker 52 This is a question that I always wanted to ask people more. I should do

Speaker 152 it's been about like 20 months.

Speaker 78 20 months in a row.

Speaker 47 Yeah. And every Monday you sign up and you don't get pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 78 And then this is the first week that you go, what do I

Speaker 154 do? Pretty sweet to get out of there.

Speaker 50 I'm going to stop wearing socks and look at you now.

Speaker 88 Wow.

Speaker 41 Do you always wear the

Speaker 53 do rag on your head?

Speaker 152 Yeah, usually I like to wear a hat for like that big like I'm black reveal.

Speaker 149 You know?

Speaker 25 We can see your hair

Speaker 22 it is incredible because you don't really seem black or Italian I guess when blacks and Italians made it just comes out Persian prince or something like that

Speaker 25 his smoke detector just goes off whenever he makes spaghetti

Speaker 152 I'm actually second generation inbred

Speaker 16 Explain to us exactly what you mean.

Speaker 152 Alright, so I don't know if you can see it from here, but I got this mini pinky.

Speaker 91 Oh yes, we can

Speaker 30 warn people before that happens.

Speaker 96 D-Madness saw that little pinky.

Speaker 116 That is unbelievable.

Speaker 81 That is the most random thing to say.

Speaker 61 He's like, well, I don't know if you could see it from there, but I have a very tiny pinky.

Speaker 14 It's like a blatant thing.

Speaker 16 Anybody from any distance can notice that you have a shockingly small pinky.

Speaker 150 That is amazing.

Speaker 41 I love the presentation of your small pinky, and you're saying that this is because family members above you, your ancestors were fucking one another.

Speaker 152 Yeah, so like my dad's parents were related, but like not my parents.

Speaker 7 Is that the black or the Italian side?

Speaker 152 No, on the black side.

Speaker 102 What? Pinky, sorry.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 152 Well, technically, most Sicilians are kind of, you know, because it's an island. You know, so it's a lot of, you know.

Speaker 152 My only problem is the pinky.

Speaker 50 Trust me, it's just the pinky.

Speaker 70 Very suspicious.

Speaker 75 I don't think anyone's believing that.

Speaker 18 Now that you say it, no one's believing it.

Speaker 73 So, are there you have brothers and sisters?

Speaker 153 Four.

Speaker 152 Three brothers, one sister.

Speaker 128 I think I got eight dogs, too.

Speaker 136 Do they have some things wrong with them?

Speaker 152 My younger brother's on steroids.

Speaker 11 That's not, that's not, that's not that.

Speaker 80 He's trying to grow his pinky.

Speaker 41 Do they have anything wrong with them?

Speaker 129 Just one's on steroids?

Speaker 136 What is he doing? Why is he on steroids?

Speaker 152 Well, he's got like body dysmorphia.

Speaker 152 And he thinks that's going to win

Speaker 152 his girlfriend back or something.

Speaker 66 Ooh.

Speaker 146 Wow, that is a ruthless thing to say on this show.

Speaker 45 Do you and your brother not get along?

Speaker 153 No, we're good friends.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 10 Hell yeah.

Speaker 6 You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like?

Speaker 152 You know.

Speaker 152 I got my best friends, Adam J and then Andrew Garino. Just want to shout them them out.

Speaker 108 Love those guys. Don't do that.

Speaker 153 Sorry.

Speaker 75 Don't do that. We're going to bleep those out.

Speaker 152 I promised them.

Speaker 47 Because we bleep f ⁇ s on this show now.

Speaker 11 What are we at?

Speaker 9 Seven?

Speaker 56 Nine if we count your little buddies.

Speaker 83 All right.

Speaker 122 Alex Tashoon.

Speaker 128 I got eight dogs, too.

Speaker 39 You have eight dogs?

Speaker 56 Yep.

Speaker 136 What?

Speaker 136 What?

Speaker 47 You live here? Yeah.

Speaker 79 By yourself? Yeah.

Speaker 39 And you have eight dogs.

Speaker 14 Are they all outside?

Speaker 152 No, they're indoors.

Speaker 108 You have eight indoor dogs.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 80 If you want to get rid of any of them, I know a farmer.

Speaker 106 Oh, well. Okay.

Speaker 10 All right. That is true.

Speaker 88 Tommy Tickles, you just inherited eight new dogs.

Speaker 39 Why do you have eight dogs?

Speaker 22 Explain to us how this happens.

Speaker 152 So the crazy thing is, I just left my two dogs alone for a while.

Speaker 152 And then they just like... I thought my little dog was just getting fat.

Speaker 13 Do the new dogs, do they all have tiny pinkies?

Speaker 152 No, they're great, though. They're cool.

Speaker 51 They're really sweet.

Speaker 121 So you left your two dogs alone, unneutored, unspayed.

Speaker 154 They fucked.

Speaker 16 Did some of the puppies die?

Speaker 7 No, I got all of them, all six.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 86 So now, how long ago did that happen?

Speaker 152 About almost seven weeks.

Speaker 69 Seven weeks.

Speaker 16 So you have seven-week-old puppies?

Speaker 77 Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Speaker 24 Are you trying, you're just keeping them?

Speaker 160 You're going to keep them.

Speaker 152 So I have to get like emotional service, like it's like a doctor's note for eight dogs because you can't have more than like, you can't have more than like five dogs in Austin

Speaker 112 go ahead James McCain what you're gonna try and take eight emotional support dogs on a jet what are you talking about have you seen this guy's pinky he needs it

Speaker 6 he's got a nibble down the rest of the fingers with wild dogs

Speaker 152 you need you need the government to approve having more than five dogs yeah or you need to have Trump's gonna ship these things to El Salvador that's what's going on

Speaker 138 this is a new era we're living in buddy no breaking the rules with this new federal government.

Speaker 72 What kind of dogs are they?

Speaker 152 It's mostly Pitple.

Speaker 25 All right. That's the black side.

Speaker 130 That is.

Speaker 25 I know what he's doing with these eight dogs, okay?

Speaker 73 So you're teaching them how to fight?

Speaker 152 Well, one of them bit the other one's tail today. So apparently something called littermate syndrome, where they're just automatically going to start fighting.

Speaker 152 Because you're not normally like, normally people don't keep their dogs together like that.

Speaker 159 You don't even need to train them.

Speaker 86 Look at that.

Speaker 6 You start filming it for TikTok.

Speaker 132 You make the ultimate fight of it for dogs.

Speaker 6 You see which one's got some fight in it. That's the one you keep.
You send the rest to the farm.

Speaker 11 Are you got really?

Speaker 6 Are you proud of the one that bit the other one? Is that your favorite one now?

Speaker 152 My favorite one's Porky.

Speaker 23 Okay. Why is

Speaker 16 Porky your favorite?

Speaker 152 Porky was the

Speaker 153 only brown one. Everyone else is black.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 130 Some weird racism.

Speaker 14 I guess you can get away with it.

Speaker 15 50% of the time.

Speaker 152 Yeah,

Speaker 152 the hard part about my blackness is like nobody believes me.

Speaker 47 Right.

Speaker 42 I agree.

Speaker 12 I could see why.

Speaker 139 It makes sense. What do you do for work?

Speaker 152 I do Jets pizza delivery on South Lamar.

Speaker 75 Wow, you were expecting the crowd to go wild.

Speaker 79 Red Band, you've tried this pizza?

Speaker 152 Our senior pizza, my favorite pizza.

Speaker 84 Really? Yeah, it's really good.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 105 You got to get the crust with all this shit on.

Speaker 152 We're giving away free pizzas.

Speaker 48 How are you doing that? Explain to us what.

Speaker 152 I talked to my boss. He said if I got on, we'd give away free pizzas.

Speaker 150 Okay.

Speaker 150 What's the...

Speaker 163 Normally when someone comes up with a promotion plan like that, they would say where or when the free pizzas would happen.

Speaker 25 If you don't wear socks.

Speaker 152 Just show up to South Lamar Jets Peach and ask for a big win.

Speaker 152 Is that you? That's my boss, Mr. Wynn.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 112 Now, what do you think this guy's going to do when he gets absolutely overwhelmed with people saying hey, I'm here from the Kill Tony guy?

Speaker 41 He said that I'd get a free pizza.

Speaker 24 What do you think is going to happen?

Speaker 153 I'm just hoping for a big big delivery.

Speaker 152 A lot of tips.

Speaker 117 Hell yeah.

Speaker 69 By tip, you mean to your finger?

Speaker 108 Well, um

Speaker 152 Well, personally

Speaker 7 I'm going off the rails. I'm losing it.

Speaker 24 You're doing just fine.

Speaker 136 You're doing great.

Speaker 111 On paper, you are the best interviewee ever.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you're doing great.

Speaker 111 You're a black Italian cripple with too many dogs.

Speaker 24 It's true.

Speaker 150 I take the stats here.

Speaker 14 I got it written down here.

Speaker 124 Tarshoon, I spelled it.

Speaker 22 I misspelled it, how it's pronounced.

Speaker 24 11 years, African Italian, New York, Westchester, Little Pinky.

Speaker 162 Productive process.

Speaker 74 I mean, you're chicken, a lot of boxes.

Speaker 39 Eight dogs.

Speaker 139 So here's a big question for you.

Speaker 50 All right. I specialize in different cultures and stereotypes.

Speaker 49 That's my bread and butter.

Speaker 4 And now, I happen to know for a fact, a half black, half Italian is someone that loves women.

Speaker 153 Yeah. Right? You do.

Speaker 152 It's a problem.

Speaker 141 It's a problem.

Speaker 122 Let's talk about that problem.

Speaker 70 Go ahead.

Speaker 22 Tell us why it's a problem, how it's a problem, some things that have come up in your life.

Speaker 161 You have eight dogs that you're living with, and you want pussy all the time.

Speaker 19 Yep, yep, absolutely.

Speaker 13 So tell us, tell the people what it's like.

Speaker 152 So basically, I've come to a conclusion that basically women, they all say they're different, but they all sound the same. So that's why I've only been going after deaf women.

Speaker 152 You know what I mean?

Speaker 19 I love you.

Speaker 76 I love you.

Speaker 42 That is some real, that's some black belt Jedi level shit.

Speaker 17 So explain to us where you're finding these deaf women at.

Speaker 152 So basically, I was at like Rock Bottom one day,

Speaker 152 which is not far from right now. Wait,

Speaker 51 okay.

Speaker 95 I thought you were talking about the bar or a restaurant for a second.

Speaker 126 So I was like,

Speaker 71 before we move on, why were you at Rock Bottom?

Speaker 152 So I had a, I fell on my knee on the sidewalk and it got infected and the infection went to my face.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 121 Was a staph infection?

Speaker 152 It was like, I don't know. It was like, I was on antibiotics.
I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like, it was actually pretty bad.

Speaker 104 Sickle cell. Okay.

Speaker 122 How did it, how did it get to your,

Speaker 21 what did it do to your face?

Speaker 152 It started like getting all red and puffy.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 152 And how long did you, was was it after the fall on the knee in which the fall on the knee like i i didn't know because it was such a big collision it got like cellulose or cellulitis or something like that like a deep infection uh-huh so how many days after the fall on the knee did your face start getting puffy about a week okay so you were at rock bottom they gave you antibiotics right yeah i just had my car got stolen because i live in portland Oh, Portland.

Speaker 72 That's come up a few times tonight.

Speaker 152 And I was limping to go get some free food from the pantry. Uh-uh.
And all of a sudden, there's this beautiful woman and she's holding... This is a true story.

Speaker 152 She's holding like a pile of money in her hands and she just goes

Speaker 78 This is the greatest show ever invented there's nothing like this fucking show just to let you know every other show in the fucking world the people are vetted

Speaker 67 Like the podcast host knows who they're talking to that day.

Speaker 24 Every other fucking, not to mention television show, everything we were raised on, they know what questions they're going to ask.

Speaker 22 The other person knows what the fucking answer is.

Speaker 18 They try to make it look natural.

Speaker 50 This show is so different.

Speaker 8 What the fuck?

Speaker 102 What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 48 Deaf woman with a pile of cash and she sent it.

Speaker 168 That sounded accurate.

Speaker 73 That sounded like a deaf woman.

Speaker 136 So

Speaker 136 you're next to her and what do you say to that?

Speaker 152 I said, well, a couple things. I was like, you kind of caught me at a bad time.

Speaker 152 You told her that? Yeah, it's not a great time for me.

Speaker 91 Like,

Speaker 152 you know, but

Speaker 152 I said, one day I'm going to be on TV. When you see me on TV, you give me a call.

Speaker 153 And she said, okay, bye.

Speaker 161 See you on TV.

Speaker 69 You gave her your number? Nope.

Speaker 139 Well, how would she give you a call?

Speaker 152 Well, I was hoping she'd see me on TV.

Speaker 25 He's gonna get famous and death jammer in the ass

Speaker 152 Well, I figured I figured like while like while I'm getting through my like phase of having no money and eight dogs like like I'd get like to the point where I could finally like have a relationship.

Speaker 56 You know what I mean?

Speaker 152 Now's not a good time for me.

Speaker 6 You know what I'm saying? So you got a knee injury that infects the face and you go home to your house with no money and eight dogs and you go

Speaker 4 one day love. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 112 This is.

Speaker 152 You don't find a lot of women like that.

Speaker 136 No,

Speaker 136 you don't ever.

Speaker 56 No one ever has.

Speaker 19 No one has ever seen a deaf woman with a pile of cash going asking to give it out.

Speaker 6 Did you make this sound like a three-year-old grown-up and tells a story? You know, and

Speaker 6 kids are like, and then there was an apple and the apple talked to me and then I fell on my knee and the knee hurt my face and there was a woman and she couldn't hear and she gave me money.

Speaker 7 But I walked away. I went home.

Speaker 100 I had eight dogs at that house.

Speaker 109 I love you.

Speaker 26 You're the best quality person I've ever met.

Speaker 152 Hey, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 21 Thank you.

Speaker 19 Especially great person for the blood that runs through your veins.

Speaker 22 I mean, Italians are real pieces of shit.

Speaker 38 You know what I mean?

Speaker 118 Okay, all right.

Speaker 9 Guess that was too much.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 91 God. I thought you were talking about being inbred.

Speaker 158 I didn't even know you were talking about anything.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Thank you, Redman, for all the help that you provide over here.

Speaker 16 16 minutes into this interview, I still feel like I haven't gotten enough.

Speaker 152 Well, it's nice meeting y'all.

Speaker 23 Oh, you're so sweet.

Speaker 88 This fucking guy.

Speaker 137 You're unbelievable.

Speaker 25 He's gotta go. He has eight dogs.

Speaker 53 So where this deaf woman changed your life to the point to where you are now into deaf women, but you didn't do anything with her.

Speaker 152 No,

Speaker 152 basically, like, and I thought for myself, like, same day, I was like, well, like, because she was like offering me money. I was like, this is pretty sweet.

Speaker 152 And then, like, later on, I'm walking to the grocery store, like, and I sit down and like some other woman, like, offers me money.

Speaker 152 And I was like, well, it wasn't the same because she thought I was homeless. And I was like, all right.
So, like, it's not just that she was offering me money. You know? Did you take the money?

Speaker 152 No, no. And also, she was black, too.
So I wasn't really feeling it.

Speaker 4 You're not into black women?

Speaker 19 No, not really.

Speaker 161 Not really.

Speaker 4 Have you been with the black woman?

Speaker 152 Yeah, one time.

Speaker 48 What did you not, what was it that stood out to you?

Speaker 152 She had a really nice afro. I thought she was pretty, but she also had like some kind of like, like, I ended up like kind of getting sick afterwards.

Speaker 22 Like, she was. Tell us about that.

Speaker 96 What kind of of sick did you get from the black woman?

Speaker 16 You might be the greatest interview in the history of the show.

Speaker 136 So honest.

Speaker 126 You're getting on a clinic.

Speaker 152 It was basically like a couple hours into this, and like my air mattress was already mostly deflated.

Speaker 152 And she just starts coughing. And I'm like, you alright? She's like, no, I'm kind of getting over something.
And I'm like, ah, geez, I'm kind kind of getting over something.

Speaker 152 And then all of a sudden, like, I was just sick for like another week. I was like, it sucks.

Speaker 84 So that was, that was it.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 152 And then there was, there was, there was one, there was one, there was one.

Speaker 152 Everyone has one giant fat black lady off Craigslist, but that doesn't count.

Speaker 81 Wait, she was off Craigslist?

Speaker 126 No, maybe that doesn't.

Speaker 127 No, it doesn't really count.

Speaker 4 Where did you meet her at?

Speaker 152 Well, I met her at my

Speaker 126 house.

Speaker 152 You gotta understand, it was Albany. It was Albany.
I didn't have a chance.

Speaker 91 Oh, okay. Hold on.
I asked.

Speaker 91 Oh, God.

Speaker 112 I asked if, you see,

Speaker 108 I asked if you found her on Craigslist, and you said no.

Speaker 114 Right?

Speaker 152 Well, yeah, but I found her at Craigslist, but then I met her at her house.

Speaker 4 Right, got it.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 159 Didn't find her.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 112 so you did find her on craigslist and then your first time meeting her physically was at her house yeah

Speaker 104 okay

Speaker 28 wow

Speaker 152 and then you got sick yeah and that kind of turned you off from black women yeah i didn't think i got sick even though we uh we also did it in the shower it didn't help at all You did it in the shower.

Speaker 41 What made you guys do it in the shower?

Speaker 121 You both had voluptuous hair.

Speaker 148 You said that she had an afro.

Speaker 119 You have what appears to be a

Speaker 152 start in in the shower. We moved over to the air mattress.
And

Speaker 152 to be perfectly honest, you

Speaker 76 there he goes. He's loaded up, and here it comes.

Speaker 38 To be perfectly honest.

Speaker 152 Well,

Speaker 152 it was

Speaker 152 I mean, I don't know if I can make this any worse.

Speaker 75 You're doing just fine, buddy.

Speaker 152 We kind of filmed it.

Speaker 76 Hold on.

Speaker 73 You just met her.

Speaker 46 It started in the shower.

Speaker 4 You're both getting over something.

Speaker 136 What made you guys film it?

Speaker 30 Whose idea was that?

Speaker 152 I was living in Albany. It was over the summer, so nobody was there.

Speaker 91 Upstate New York.

Speaker 152 Yeah, I knew I was going to need something for later.

Speaker 18 You know what I mean?

Speaker 73 So you asked her permission to film?

Speaker 161 Yes.

Speaker 4 Wait a second.

Speaker 61 There's a little pause.

Speaker 62 A little big smile there.

Speaker 152 Absolutely.

Speaker 4 So this was at her house, so you couldn't. No, no, it's at my house.

Speaker 152 We went back to my house.

Speaker 121 You met her at her house, then you took her back to your house?

Speaker 88 Why?

Speaker 152 Well, I mean, I just, that's kind of where I just, that's just kind of where I live.

Speaker 4 But you were at her house.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 22 You had sex at her house. Nope.

Speaker 46 No. You just met her at her house.

Speaker 69 Did you immediately take her in your car to your house?

Speaker 107 I never met her. You guys hung out?

Speaker 75 Oh, you didn't have a car.

Speaker 22 How did you guys get from her house to your house?

Speaker 4 I just walked right home. You walked.
How far of a walk was that?

Speaker 152 Like three quarters of a mile, something like that.

Speaker 118 Wow, so not far. Yeah, not far.

Speaker 159 Two blocks, something like that.

Speaker 149 You know, not bad.

Speaker 154 No, there's a big difference between two blocks and three quarters of a mile.

Speaker 56 Okay, this has gone way too far.

Speaker 4 I've been informed by Redband that it's gone 21 minutes this interview.

Speaker 4 And I don't remember anything about the minute at all, but I'll tell you, you are an unbelievable fucking interview.

Speaker 14 You sign up.

Speaker 45 Next time, I don't want you to ever wear fucking socks again.

Speaker 42 You hear me?

Speaker 61 I'm gonna try to get you out of this bucket again. There he goes.

Speaker 3 Alex Tarshun.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 68 Good lord.

Speaker 61 There's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 60 She'll knock your socks off.

Speaker 61 All right.

Speaker 3 It's a tough, tough follow.

Speaker 15 Tough to follow Alex Tarshun.

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Speaker 64 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full goes by the name of Cameron Frisk.

Speaker 108 Cameron Frisk gets a minute.

Speaker 97 My buddy's dad just died in a motorcycle accident, and then he got super religious after it happened. And he's like, Cameron, I accept Jesus as my one true father.

Speaker 97 Like nice, now you got two dads that don't talk to you, jackass.

Speaker 6 He's like, you want to come to church?

Speaker 97 I was like, I'd rather ride on the back of your dad's motorcycle when he crashed. I'm not going to lie to you.

Speaker 97 Everybody tells me my mustache makes me look racist.

Speaker 14 I was like, wait till you hear my mouth.

Speaker 97 You're going to love it.

Speaker 97 Now, a little bit about me.

Speaker 97 I do. I hate reverse cowgirl.
Unpopular opinion. I do.
I hate reverse cowgirl. That's just because I love fucking straight cowboys.
Where are my fellas at?

Speaker 105 Horns up, boys.

Speaker 97 Listen, I came here to suck dick and tell jokes, and I'm all out of jokes, fellas.

Speaker 98 I didn't get these tonsils removed for nothing.

Speaker 97 Let's get this golden ticket over with.

Speaker 91 All right, all right.

Speaker 90 Don't count your fucking chickens over there, Cameron.

Speaker 76 Welcome. How are you?

Speaker 72 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 97 Second time. I was on like a month ago.

Speaker 118 Okay. Well, welcome back.

Speaker 124 How has life changed since the first time you were on?

Speaker 97 People have have been coming to my work now and coming and being like hey i saw you on killtone what's your work again i work at prana the smoothie coffee shop kyle owns yeah we love we love prana it's a great great place east side 7th street yeah everybody in my hometown hit me up which was pretty cool what's your hometown ohi California yep the energy vortex yes the energy vortex absolutely it's all coming back to me now Prana has a lot of uh like it's a it's a famous place for like hot chicks to go to yes very famous hot chicks chicks.

Speaker 97 Yes. I don't know if they're famous, but tons of hot chicks there, for sure.

Speaker 17 The place is famous for having hot chicks, not famous hot chicks.

Speaker 97 What he said, yes. Yeah, okay.
Smoke shows, all of them.

Speaker 142 All right. What do you do for fun, Cameron?

Speaker 97 I've been traveling. Like, I went to Africa last year.
That was the craziest thing I've probably done in a while.

Speaker 47 What made you go to Africa?

Speaker 97 I'd never been out of the country other than like Canada for one hour. And me and my girlfriend were like, I was like, I want to go to New York.

Speaker 97 And she's she's like how about Africa and I was like perfect that's did you keep an eye on her the whole time she was there I it's very suspicious she was kind of a hot commodity there I did talk to like one of the chiefs there and I was like get a little get a load of this thing right here I was like I'll trade her four goats

Speaker 29 and he like laughed he's like ha ha ha three and I was like

Speaker 102 it's not bad three goats is a lot Okay, I think you're trying to, it's hard to follow the interviewing style of Alex Tarsh.

Speaker 136 Yeah, of course. He's the man.

Speaker 16 You know Alex?

Speaker 97 Yeah, he has a crippling gambler in an addiction, and I hang out with him.

Speaker 4 Get Alex back up here.

Speaker 15 Get Alex back up here.

Speaker 11 He's such a...

Speaker 18 This is what we're going to do.

Speaker 45 We're going to trade out your boring white guy interview. Hell yeah.

Speaker 121 Is Alex still here?

Speaker 86 Can we obtain him? Let's get him.

Speaker 6 Has Alex become a known commodity at the area where everyone's hanging out, waiting to get on the show?

Speaker 97 He's an earful to talk to. He's the man.

Speaker 56 Where the f- Alex, get out here.

Speaker 64 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return.

Speaker 11 The long-awaited return.

Speaker 24 Does anybody work here?

Speaker 124 Get Alex Tarshun for me.

Speaker 42 Fuck is going on

Speaker 16 What could he possibly be doing?

Speaker 25 Well, he is half black, so he's gonna be late

Speaker 16 So yes, he's in the back, but no, he's not here

Speaker 16 Tell us, how do you know about his gambling addiction?

Speaker 3 Please relax

Speaker 97 We were just hanging out and talking and he was like frantically pacing looking at his phone it was on like five percent and he was just tweaking he's like I don't know.

Speaker 97 I think my phone's going to die. Should I pull out? I might lose $100.
And I was like, you just have my charger thing because I kind of wanted to see the gambling continue.

Speaker 108 Did he win?

Speaker 97 I don't think so. No.

Speaker 14 Wow. I didn't see him finish.

Speaker 97 It was like it was basketball. Huh.

Speaker 130 Very interesting.

Speaker 70 Guy with eight dogs.

Speaker 89 Lips by himself.

Speaker 159 He has a crippling gambling addiction.

Speaker 81 Who would have thought?

Speaker 25 I like that at the end of it, he was like, you could have my socks.

Speaker 4 It's all I have left.

Speaker 21 What else about Alex?

Speaker 121 Tell us more about Alex Tarshoon.

Speaker 112 I'm just going to interview people.

Speaker 97 Did I tell you guys about his cartoon he made?

Speaker 102 Oh,

Speaker 4 my.

Speaker 91 Oh, he did not. God.

Speaker 99 Maybe the most racist piece of animation I've ever seen.

Speaker 99 It's crazy, honestly.

Speaker 76 Keep going.

Speaker 97 I don't know what it's called, but it's pretty much Ed Ed and Eddie with a lot more N-words in it.

Speaker 97 It's fantastic, but it's hard to watch.

Speaker 11 I love it.

Speaker 77 Wow. And this is like a comic book?

Speaker 97 No, it's like full-on. Like, he drew out the cartoon, like not by hand, but digitally, and then made it into a thing.
Took him months.

Speaker 24 It's like an actual cartoon.

Speaker 117 It's a real-ass cartoon.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 89 And

Speaker 139 he showed it to you on his phone?

Speaker 97 I think he just told me to look it up, and I just went in that little rabbit hole. And yeah, it was very interesting, that's for sure.

Speaker 52 Do you remember the plot line or anything like that?

Speaker 99 It was pretty much, I swear to God, it's just pure racism, most of it.

Speaker 97 Like, that was pretty much the plot line was Ed Ed and Eddie, but they're black.

Speaker 125 Okay. It's called N-N-N-Eddie.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Well, somebody, for the love of God, get me Alex Tarshu.

Speaker 22 I need Alex Tarshu, Nasa.

Speaker 45 In fact, never let him leave again.

Speaker 18 Let's just keep him. Let's keep him.

Speaker 41 Let's do what he does with his eight dogs.

Speaker 76 Keep him chained up right on the back post here.

Speaker 117 I was going to say, he can't be far.

Speaker 146 No. He can't be far.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 64 Cameron, what's the most interesting thing about your life before we get out of here?

Speaker 97 At the moment,

Speaker 97 I might have a child in Denver, Colorado.

Speaker 29 What makes you say that?

Speaker 97 Well, when I was like 14, some girl had sex with me on a boat, and then she- How old are you now?

Speaker 81 I'm 27.

Speaker 159 Okay.

Speaker 23 So go ahead.

Speaker 97 And then

Speaker 97 she got pregnant, but she had a boyfriend at the time. Never said anything to me and moved to Denver, Colorado.

Speaker 97 And then I would stalk her Instagram and like keep updates on the photo of the kid to hopefully it started looking like her husband and not me. That's what I was rooting for.

Speaker 146 And it's a girl?

Speaker 97 It's a girl, yeah. Uh-huh.

Speaker 139 And so as the girl's grown up, what is she?

Speaker 73 Does she have a mustache?

Speaker 97 She looks like the cutest little Civil War baby you've ever seen. No, I don't know.
I honestly, she deleted her Instagram and I've lost all contact at this point.

Speaker 50 Wow.

Speaker 50 What a sad end to a stalker's story.

Speaker 1 She didn't delete it. She blocked you, by the way.

Speaker 97 Maybe. I don't know.

Speaker 101 All right.

Speaker 22 Cameron, what's your living situation?

Speaker 103 I live in an apartment.

Speaker 97 It's not a bad one bedroom, big, I got a fireplace now, which I didn't have in California.

Speaker 119 You could afford that just from working at Prana.

Speaker 97 Barely, yeah.

Speaker 139 Amazing.

Speaker 103 Yeah. Well, rent's a lot cheaper here.

Speaker 97 It's like $2,000, and you don't have to live in a garage like you do in California, which sucks.

Speaker 81 That is cool.

Speaker 3 So I have a fireplace now.

Speaker 101 Okay.

Speaker 118 There you go, Cameron. Moving up.

Speaker 64 What size joke book did you get last time here?

Speaker 14 I got a little one.

Speaker 113 Okay.

Speaker 149 That sounds about right.

Speaker 14 Ah, damn it.

Speaker 69 Let's give you a medium one.

Speaker 22 Slow but steady improvement.

Speaker 161 Appreciate it.

Speaker 15 Cameron Frisk, everybody.

Speaker 9 There he goes.

Speaker 15 Let's get through another bucket pull here.

Speaker 61 Ladies and gentlemen, it goes by the name of alex o'brien everybody here comes alex o'brien

Speaker 43 alex o'brien

Speaker 134 y'all are beautiful first class high dollar i'm gonna be like nick cage i'm gonna be gone in 60 seconds y'all ma'am do you know what your problem is not shit nothing you're doing great you're killing the game i appreciate you being out here so i have two things for you uh bank robbers and playing hinders my grandma used to say playing hinders oh we playing hinders y'all playing hinders Which meant inappropriately touching something as a kid from another person.

Speaker 134 Now, we didn't play hinders, but we did play doctor a little bit. We got played doctor a little bit.

Speaker 132 We'd be like, oh, is your elbow hurt?

Speaker 133 Let me get some aloe.

Speaker 134 Rub that on there real quick.

Speaker 134 Your low back hurt. Get some aloe.
I'm the doctor. Rub that on.
Make you feel good. Make me think about hinders.
As I'm an adult, I think hinders might have been fucking butts tough.

Speaker 134 And I think my grandma might have been into that a little bit. She'd be asking us to play hinders.
I tell you that, to tell you this, the bank robber situation.

Speaker 134 Bank robber situation is, some of y'all men know about this: it's when you're tucked in your waistband, your opportunity is looking straight up at you. It's

Speaker 134 goddamn robbing a bank, just put the fucking money in the bag. Oh my god, it's a dangerous thing to have.
So, you're playing Hinders, you're putting the money in the bag, it's a great thing.

Speaker 134 What do you got for me, Tony?

Speaker 134 Okay,

Speaker 22 Jesus Christ Almighty, Kim Congdon.

Speaker 25 This guy is talented as fuck. I'm going to say it right now.

Speaker 80 He made 60 seconds feel like an hour.

Speaker 66 That was beautiful.

Speaker 48 That's all you can ask.

Speaker 71 Have you ever done stand-up before?

Speaker 134 Only fucking five times.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 139 And how many times have you signed up for this show?

Speaker 134 This is my ninth.

Speaker 124 Ninth time signing up and your first time on, correct?

Speaker 1 That's accurate.

Speaker 106 God.

Speaker 53 What do you do for work?

Speaker 134 Well, I'm a substitute teacher

Speaker 134 and a comedian.

Speaker 171 No, you're not.

Speaker 134 Thank you. Thank you so much.

Speaker 81 I was waiting for that.

Speaker 81 Got me dialed in.

Speaker 99 Substitute teacher.

Speaker 91 How old are you?

Speaker 134 38.

Speaker 73 Okay. What made you start stand-up now at 38 years old?

Speaker 134 So I got super good at Coke over COVID, like really good. I wasn't teaching.
And I was like, yo, man, this stuff is, you know, keeping me occupied and in my house. And so

Speaker 134 I had to reset my life. And when I did that, I said to myself, Jesus, maybe I should just move the fuck out of Seattle where it rains too much and pretend like I'm funny on stage.
So far, no good.

Speaker 23 You're the worst.

Speaker 64 You're the worst.

Speaker 141 You're adorable, but you're the worst.

Speaker 69 Where are you originally from? Florida?

Speaker 134 Seattle, Washington.

Speaker 51 Oh, that makes sense.

Speaker 11 That makes perfect sense.

Speaker 134 Fucking sad, seasonal affective disorder.

Speaker 38 Come out here.

Speaker 134 I'm feeling a little bit better, but

Speaker 158 I'm not so much right now.

Speaker 134 No Cerebob.

Speaker 73 Two and a half years.

Speaker 63 Two and a half years sober.

Speaker 134 Yeah, I was like borderline schizo. I was really good

Speaker 134 It kind of stuck with you Some people do enough to where they just kind of stay Maybe that was just the natural effect and it was just enhancing a little bit right, okay.

Speaker 95 Have you ever met Alex Tarshoon before?

Speaker 6 I heard good things.

Speaker 46 What have you heard?

Speaker 134 My name repeated over and over again and me going I'm on you and backstage and then the person in front of me. That's as much as I've heard.

Speaker 4 Okay, right.

Speaker 54 What's the most interesting thing about your entire life?

Speaker 61 Nobody has any idea what you talked about for your minute, by the way.

Speaker 121 Just a bunch of gibberish.

Speaker 4 Absolutely. Fucking gibberish.

Speaker 134 All right, noted. I appreciate that feedback.

Speaker 134 I did a background dance.

Speaker 134 I was a background dancer for Run DMC one time at a PE conference. I killed it.

Speaker 25 All right. You have one of the most hatable faces I've ever seen.

Speaker 109 Let's go.

Speaker 133 I gotta say

Speaker 25 the moments when you're yourself and you're an actual douchebag and you like when you did that thing before you did the bit, there's like little glimpses of maybe you could do something there, but you have to go with that douchebag face.

Speaker 25 You can't hide it. Like, we're looking at it.

Speaker 69 Present. Do you ever use it to your advantage?

Speaker 134 You know, I used to. I was super good at it.
Like, you know, not a good person for a while.

Speaker 141 For Christ's sake, cocaine.

Speaker 134 But no, not anymore.

Speaker 41 So,

Speaker 119 how would you use it to your advantage?

Speaker 134 How would I use it to my advantage?

Speaker 1 I would be like, yo, what's up, girl? What's popping?

Speaker 134 Brand new whip just hopped in.

Speaker 81 And then she'd be like, oh, that's not.

Speaker 112 Are you a heterosexual?

Speaker 51 Fuck.

Speaker 65 Fuck. There's only one thing to do right now.

Speaker 22 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, Alex Tarshun, everybody.

Speaker 115 Thank you so much.

Speaker 9 Yeah, the crowd goes wild.

Speaker 9 We're upgrading our Alexes.

Speaker 61 Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 124 Alex Tarshun.

Speaker 43 The world wants more of you.

Speaker 150 Since you were gone, since you've been gone,

Speaker 86 we learned that you have a crippling gambling addiction.

Speaker 126 Oh, yeah, who told you that?

Speaker 138 Even Matt Muelling just gave a good, oh, fuck.

Speaker 136 It's like, you are a geyser, my friend.

Speaker 139 You are just a flowing vat of natural material.

Speaker 88 Yeah, we heard about it.

Speaker 67 We heard about it from

Speaker 71 Cameron Frisk.

Speaker 30 Do you know Cameron? Yeah, he did.

Speaker 38 Yeah, you know Cameron.

Speaker 162 So tell us about this gambling problem.

Speaker 152 Well, basically, I figured out right now, it's all about the arbitraging.

Speaker 42 It's all about the what?

Speaker 152 So you just bet both sides, you automatically win like a dollar or two, and you just keep rolling it over.

Speaker 6 But you're meant to do that with millions of dollars on either side, and you...

Speaker 152 We're snowballing. We're snowballing.

Speaker 82 Sorry.

Speaker 78 I don't know what to fucking do with this guy.

Speaker 21 It's the greatest interview of all time.

Speaker 152 You want to hear a quick story about how I saved someone's life?

Speaker 68 Yes.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 152 So me and my first pit bull are walking down by the river.

Speaker 152 And I'm looking for my cell phone because I lost it. And it's nighttime.

Speaker 152 And I want to ask someone if I can call my phone and their phone, but they don't want to do that because it's nighttime and stuff. So

Speaker 152 I see this one guy and I want to ask him, but I don't. And then I'm walking by the river and I see this body floating floating in the river.

Speaker 152 And I was like, oh my gosh. I run back to the guy.
I'm like, hey, we got to call the ambulance and stuff.

Speaker 91 And he's like, all right.

Speaker 152 He doesn't believe me necessarily. So we go back to the river.
No one's there, but they float under the pier. So I'm like, it's like February and it's like really cold.

Speaker 152 And I'm like, she'd probably freeze her in there.

Speaker 152 So I did was I took off all my clothes and I just started going into the river.

Speaker 152 And it was the Hudson River. So I was kind of like, I've never been in here.
I don't know how deep it is.

Speaker 117 But

Speaker 13 like,

Speaker 152 so I just thought I get in there and she must have been like at least 250 but like in the water I could still move her and like I'm getting her up on like the rocks and stuff the guys help me get her up and stuff we get my dog on top to try and warm her up and then

Speaker 152 like the thing is though is like when the fire department came and all the ambush and stuff like I was so proud to tell him like who I was and stuff but the the the person who helped me like he's like my name is Vivian and I'm like whoa like cuz like the only thing I wanted was like for like a hot chick to see this and I'm like bro you a hot chick though and he was like yeah like I'm a transgender And he's like, Yeah, I came to the river to kill myself too.

Speaker 152 But like, this is my, it's a wonderful life moment, so I'm not gonna do it. And I'm like, that's pretty sweet.

Speaker 152 That's pretty sweet.

Speaker 152 Thank you, Doug.

Speaker 124 Let's talk about this cartoon you made.

Speaker 110 Oh, they told you!

Speaker 152 All right, so it's basically the black version of Ed Ed and Eddie.

Speaker 54 Keep going.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 126 So,

Speaker 152 basically, it's called Nig, Nigga, Nigga.

Speaker 61 Keep going.

Speaker 126 All right.

Speaker 152 So it

Speaker 152 the episode four is my favorite because

Speaker 152 it has like a Buzz Lightyear. Like, remember, like when Buzz Lightyear was Mrs.
Nesbitt?

Speaker 83 Sure.

Speaker 152 Everyone forgets about that, but I have this whole bit about like how like Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends and he's like just missing an arm and he's like wearing like a girl hat and an apron and then like all the characters like we gotta like get out of here before Buzz infects us with his gay.

Speaker 152 Before we know it, we'll all have our arms out of our socket wearing a lady hat and you see like Mr. Potato Head like missing an arm.

Speaker 127 You're like, hey boys, I've always been Mrs. Potato Head.

Speaker 93 Where can people find these cartoons up? Plug it.

Speaker 152 So you got to go to, you got to go to,

Speaker 152 what the hell is my name?

Speaker 124 Alex Tarshu?

Speaker 152 Yeah, but right now it's Pure Bread Retard on YouTube.

Speaker 66 That's your name? Yeah.

Speaker 105 Purebread.

Speaker 76 Purebread Retard. All one word?

Speaker 124 Are there any underscores or anything?

Speaker 152 Bread like the food.

Speaker 51 Oh.

Speaker 43 Bread like the food.

Speaker 138 Pure Bread Retard.

Speaker 41 What made you go with Bread Like the Food on that one?

Speaker 65 Was Pure Bread Retard regular taken?

Speaker 152 Well, I used to be in Bread Retard.

Speaker 152 and then that got me in a lot of trouble like on Instagram and stuff that's the part that you think got you in trouble not the retard part

Speaker 25 I'm pure the guy with the pinky stole that handle

Speaker 152 you know for a long time I would google like like why do I have a mini pinky but I didn't know how to spell pinky

Speaker 152 Like I think I used to like do like P-I-N-K like Y or something like that or I E or I don't remember but like I can't really spell that well you spelled it wrong.

Speaker 152 I couldn't spell pinky for a long time.

Speaker 150 You're a bad speller? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 87 How bad do you think you are?

Speaker 152 Pretty bad? I'm more of a math guy.

Speaker 20 More of a math guy.

Speaker 161 Okay.

Speaker 47 Are you good at math?

Speaker 11 Yeah, I do. Okay.

Speaker 4 Wow, we found that.

Speaker 152 Yeah, I did that one.

Speaker 24 That's me. We found the cartoon.

Speaker 121 This is incredible.

Speaker 7 I saw that.

Speaker 124 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 124 A tarshoon cartoon.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 39 It really is.

Speaker 51 It is.

Speaker 144 For those of you wondering what the spelling of this cartoon is, it is

Speaker 47 N-I-G comma N-I-G-G

Speaker 56 N,

Speaker 47 N, I, G, G, A.

Speaker 10 Thank you.

Speaker 144 I don't know if I'm allowed to spell that word.

Speaker 82 We'll see.

Speaker 104 We'll see.

Speaker 124 But it is a real cartoon.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 139 I definitely can't say it, but I think I'm allowed to spell it.

Speaker 92 Thank you.

Speaker 78 Wow. How many of these have you made?

Speaker 152 I got four right now working on part five.

Speaker 161 Hell yeah.

Speaker 83 Incredible.

Speaker 39 Even your, like, even the like 20th most interesting things about you are so interesting.

Speaker 6 Hey, you want to see the feast day resistance?

Speaker 47 The what?

Speaker 152 You want to see the best part? Yeah. Hey, look at my shoe.
Look at my shoe.

Speaker 73 Ready? What?

Speaker 121 What? Is your shoe broken?

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 72 What size shoe do you wear?

Speaker 19 10.

Speaker 29 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 91 All right. All right.

Speaker 41 My shoes would be a little too big on you.

Speaker 137 I was going to give you my shoes.

Speaker 25 Someone's got a size 10 in here. Come on.

Speaker 15 Who's got a good size 10?

Speaker 16 Anybody?

Speaker 25 Someone give these men your shoes.

Speaker 80 Look.

Speaker 14 Hold on. There's a guy in a Hawaiian shirt standing up.

Speaker 16 There he goes. I think he's...
Oh, he's leaving, everybody. He's leaving.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 15 You got a size 10?

Speaker 42 No, 12's not gonna work.

Speaker 61 No, he's gonna get an infection in his face.

Speaker 15 We got a pair of tens?

Speaker 30 Yes!

Speaker 100 Throw him up here.

Speaker 66 Throw him up here.

Speaker 58 Ew, wait, those look terrible.

Speaker 15 No, pass them back. Pass him back.

Speaker 9 He's better off. He's better off without.

Speaker 16 I'll tell you what.

Speaker 63 Here's what I'm gonna do.

Speaker 69 I'm going to give you an automatic minute next week,

Speaker 39 and I'm going to present a new pair of size 10 shoes to you.

Speaker 137 Yeah.

Speaker 11 A brand new pair.

Speaker 9 And we're going to go through another interview. This one lasted 10 minutes.
You add that to the 21 before. That's 31 minutes.

Speaker 13 Technically, I do believe with the two combined, you do hold the record for the most interviewed person in the history of the show

Speaker 9 in a single night.

Speaker 9 I already gave you a big joke book.

Speaker 13 There you go, Alex Tarshoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 We're gonna keep it moving along.

Speaker 63 We realize that we haven't had a female comedian here tonight, so we're gonna get one up.

Speaker 62 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Lisa Jane Spencer.

Speaker 58 Make some noise for Lisa Jane Spencer.

Speaker 177 Hello. I know I sound retarded, but I'm just Australian.

Speaker 177 Yeah, so I'm just wondering, are we still pretending, white people, are we still pretending that we don't say the N-word?

Speaker 145 Like when they're not around, obviously.

Speaker 177 I remember learning about it.

Speaker 177 I was young, my brother was young, and my brother got back from a friend's house and

Speaker 177 he was talking about this cereal that he had.

Speaker 177 You guys call it Coco Krispies, we call it Coco Pops, but see,

Speaker 177 he called it

Speaker 177 N

Speaker 175 pops.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 177 So my mum banned that.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 177 But yeah, we just learn to hide it, right?

Speaker 25 You just learn to hide it.

Speaker 177 And my favorite is just doing it

Speaker 177 in the car, you know, listening to Kanye. That's my favorite.

Speaker 80 I'm talking about eating Nutella.

Speaker 130 Keep going, finish it.

Speaker 177 I'm talking about eating Nutella.

Speaker 161 Oh, that's it?

Speaker 91 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 83 All right.

Speaker 90 Lisa Jane Spencer, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 48 Welcome to the show, Lisa. We're going going to go to our senior Australian correspondent, James McCann.

Speaker 6 Lisa, you've dishonored our country.

Speaker 6 These people already think we're extremely racist because of our racism.

Speaker 24 I was just talking about Nutella, though.

Speaker 175 I was just talking about.

Speaker 4 Can you tell me what it meant?

Speaker 80 Okay, well, I was alluding to that.

Speaker 177 Yeah, the N-word, but actually,

Speaker 177 but actually, I was talking about Nutella.

Speaker 6 You said the N-word that you weren't meant to say was Nutella.

Speaker 177 Yeah, Nutella.

Speaker 18 You guys, the two two Australians are creating some kind of feedback here, it seems.

Speaker 106 And I had.

Speaker 25 I did have an ending of it, but I didn't.

Speaker 14 Yeah, you had an ending to the joke?

Speaker 162 I did have an ending.

Speaker 41 Okay, what was the ending to the joke that I asked you to do?

Speaker 175 And you just said, I was going to say

Speaker 133 three times here.

Speaker 177 I was going to say,

Speaker 175 relax.

Speaker 177 I'm just Australian.

Speaker 130 We just call each other.

Speaker 76 Okay, red ban.

Speaker 117 Red band.

Speaker 119 Okay, you're just Australian what?

Speaker 177 We just call each other cs.

Speaker 95 That's right.

Speaker 54 Very good. We do.

Speaker 75 We're going to have to bleep that one.

Speaker 90 What? That's another bleep.

Speaker 16 Even when an Australian says that, it counts.

Speaker 160 Even though you guys can.

Speaker 71 You can probably say poofta, though.

Speaker 6 Yep.

Speaker 6 Poofta's our f ⁇ .

Speaker 6 I don't think YouTube knows about poofta yet.

Speaker 90 YouTube's robots don't know about poofta.

Speaker 72 What does that mean exactly?

Speaker 111 Sort of a light in the loafers type individual.

Speaker 24 It means gay.

Speaker 109 You're gay.

Speaker 146 Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 81 Where are you from in Australia?

Speaker 97 Melbourne.

Speaker 4 Terrible city. I know.

Speaker 76 Oh, I love Melbourne.

Speaker 20 You love Melbourne?

Speaker 45 I love Melbourne.

Speaker 48 My favourite city in Australia.

Speaker 177 It is nice. There's like nice parts of it, like the peninsula, Dandenong Ranges.

Speaker 175 Uh-huh.

Speaker 6 No, I had an engagement breakdown in Melbourne. It's a shit city, and I can't say enough bad things about it.
They monopolise our football.

Speaker 111 They stole our Grand Prix.

Speaker 67 They talk down on the people of Adelaide.

Speaker 81 Shame on Melbourne.

Speaker 32 Wow.

Speaker 28 Damn it.

Speaker 125 But there's not a lot of Nutellas.

Speaker 6 There's actually, Kim,

Speaker 6 after the South Sudanese War, there was a huge influx of Nutellas into Melbourne.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 6 they have changed the game in Australian football. Every team has a great big seven-foot Nutella now out there.

Speaker 4 Yeah. How long have you been in America?

Speaker 80 Literally like four days.

Speaker 7 Four days? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 What's the weirdest thing about America so far?

Speaker 177 The weirdest thing? Yeah. Okay, well, last night, I was standing next to a truck that was like double the size, and that was like a normal car.

Speaker 175 Yeah.

Speaker 6 No, I don't know why they made trucks so big here. They just made them big enough to kill children without knowing about it.

Speaker 6 They want them big enough to kill a basketball playing Nutella.

Speaker 81 Do you know what I'm saying about these trucks?

Speaker 6 It's too much. I apologize.

Speaker 24 Have you ever seen a half-Italian, half-Nutella before?

Speaker 9 Let me show you one.

Speaker 124 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshun, everybody.

Speaker 14 I don't know which one's more creeped out by the other right now.

Speaker 96 Having quite the standoff.

Speaker 175 she looks scared to death by the way I don't know what's happening it's okay this guy is one of the most interesting people in the history of the show

Speaker 42 you only have to be scared of 40% of them

Speaker 78 have you ever seen anything like that on the streets of Melbourne

Speaker 45 no she looks genuinely frightened I don't know if the cameras are picking it up

Speaker 1 Alex have you ever hung out with an Australian person before?

Speaker 152 No, not yet.

Speaker 76 Wow, look at this. Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 69 If you were going to take her on a date, where would you take Lisa Jane Spencer?

Speaker 152 You ever been to the Jets?

Speaker 14 It's a pizza place on Lamar.

Speaker 169 I do like pizza.

Speaker 150 You like pizza? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 30 Oh, you're in for a treat.

Speaker 131 Man, we've got a very unlove on the spectrum happening right here on Kill Pun.

Speaker 91 That's true, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 69 Do you like dogs?

Speaker 163 What? Do you like dogs?

Speaker 177 Dogs. I love dogs.

Speaker 41 What kind of do you like.

Speaker 6 How many dogs do you love?

Speaker 130 What would be a reasonable number of dogs for a man to have?

Speaker 102 Just one. One.

Speaker 29 Oh, we got.

Speaker 91 No.

Speaker 91 I I don't have a dog.

Speaker 177 I used to have a dog, but it died.

Speaker 6 This man's got eight dogs.

Speaker 65 I just want to let you know. He's got eight dogs.

Speaker 25 Are you into anything weird sexually? Like two in the pink, half in the stink?

Speaker 82 This is very rude.

Speaker 6 He has a funny hand.

Speaker 6 He has a funny hand.

Speaker 148 He's got a weird pinky.

Speaker 108 She is scared to death, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 79 Again, when she faces you guys, she starts to smile and everything.

Speaker 18 But when she looks directly at him, there's a specific, like, ghostly look that comes over her face of concern.

Speaker 130 It's true.

Speaker 65 I wish we had like a reverse camera.

Speaker 16 I guess we can't really do it.

Speaker 6 Lisa, I want you to know this is just what America's like. It's like this every single day, forever.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 102 I know.

Speaker 177 I was at that show last night.

Speaker 162 I've forgotten.

Speaker 122 Alex, let me ask you a question.

Speaker 139 After you took her to Jet's Pizza, then what would you do with her?

Speaker 152 I'll probably bring her to my van.

Speaker 80 Australians love vans.

Speaker 177 I don't, no, I don't date van people.

Speaker 121 So he doesn't, here's the twist, is that that's just a great answer.

Speaker 150 Every question I ask him is brilliantly answered. He doesn't live in his van.

Speaker 78 He has his own place.

Speaker 51 Eight dogs and an air mattress.

Speaker 4 Look how proud he is.

Speaker 43 He loves his life.

Speaker 25 He's about to get pussy, dude.

Speaker 24 He's so cool, I'm buying him a new pair of shoes.

Speaker 71 I've never even done that before.

Speaker 139 12 years we've been doing this show.

Speaker 40 I'm buying him fucking new kicks.

Speaker 23 Oh, yeah, hey, I'll buy you shoes.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 117 Alex.

Speaker 51 Look at this.

Speaker 6 What are you going to do? Skin the dogs?

Speaker 4 You've got not a wedding.

Speaker 161 Look at this.

Speaker 148 You've heard of love at first sight. This is fear at first sight.

Speaker 86 A sweet little Australian who did N-word jokes, now looking at a half-pinkied, inbred Nutella.

Speaker 102 okay uh

Speaker 9 Lisa just because I'm in a good mood I'm gonna give you a big joke book you don't really deserve it for any reason but I'm just Alex Tarshoon has made brought me so much joy here tonight that you're leaving with a big joke book how about one more time for Lisa Jane Spencer And how about one more time for the final time, Alex Tarshoon, everybody.

Speaker 9 Guy's been signing up for fucking

Speaker 28 ever.

Speaker 26 Over a year.

Speaker 26 Wow.

Speaker 58 Wow. The crowd is on their feet.

Speaker 66 People on the balcony are standing up.

Speaker 65 This is chaos.

Speaker 58 Alright, we'll see you next week, Alex.

Speaker 63 There's only one way to end an episode like this.

Speaker 47 And you damn well know that it has to be the ringer of all ringers, the Memphis Strangler.

Speaker 9 It is

Speaker 9 the vanilla gorilla.

Speaker 9 The one and the only, the big red machine, the hall of famer.

Speaker 111 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 6 And by the way, if you love Edinetti, you're going to love Alex's very racist cartoon. I've actually been a backer.
I've given him a lot of money.

Speaker 4 It's a wonderful cartoon.

Speaker 6 Well, it happened. Virginia Giffrey got suicided this past week in Australia after having been hit by a school bus going 80 miles an hour a couple weeks before.

Speaker 6 In the immortal words of Hillary Clinton, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Speaker 6 So the Philadelphia Eagles drafted a guy named Jihad Campbell. My math may be off, but wasn't he born after 9-11? And they named him Jihad Campbell.

Speaker 6 He's an explosive linebacker, really willing to sacrifice his body.

Speaker 6 Heel fast. I mean, he's fast.

Speaker 6 In college, I heard he banged 99 virgins. And if you think the New York Giants can tower over him, he will fly right into them two at a time.

Speaker 81 If he launches into two people hard enough, a third might fall down.

Speaker 6 And folks will claim it was a controlled demolition.

Speaker 6 Also, there's a rumor Massad knew about Jihad Campbell, but failed to warn the Patriots.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 6 I ain't taking no shit.

Speaker 6 That's my impression of a constipated man.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 11 Damn.

Speaker 65 We know who the interview of the night was, but my God, let there be no question.

Speaker 14 the set of the night goes to the man who's done it to more than anybody hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times and meanwhile here he comes swinging his sledgehammer of destruction yet again and you did it with a do-rag on and for the record this thing smells like shit tony

Speaker 6 No, I'm kidding. Alex is so funny, but I swear I was smelling his ass and I was like, oh my god, is he gonna let me wear this? And then he put it on me and I'm like, dude, this smells like shit.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 6 It smells like eight fucking dogs living at the apartment with you.

Speaker 19 Eight dogs and a lot of pizza.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 43 My goodness, but totally worth it.

Speaker 22 The hardest I've laughed all night was on your entrance.

Speaker 16 Your material followed the entire way through.

Speaker 22 An entire 60 seconds of laughter.

Speaker 108 Well, it's all gas, no brakes.

Speaker 141 The big red machine has arrived.

Speaker 6 It's so nice to be here.

Speaker 6 it's all the rowing i've been doing tony i'm at 200 000 meters already in this month okay tony

Speaker 6 i'm up to over 500 000 meters since january wow so i am going and then i almost broke my big toe i think a couple days ago i was moving some piece of equipment and it fucking fell right on my big toe oh my goodness it hurts so bad let me just warn you you might have a face infection in no time

Speaker 6 yeah I hope not he also had a staph infection did he have a staph infection

Speaker 6 somebody else

Speaker 55 it's a basically cellulitis is kind of an extension of that I think a lot of you know that I'm a Canadian doctor so

Speaker 4 you know we're all

Speaker 103 gonna put him down

Speaker 86 we're not going down that path again

Speaker 44 Okay, so William, you look fantastic.

Speaker 113 You're absolutely glowing, I could say so.

Speaker 86 Have you been on tour?

Speaker 6 I have. I was in Virginia Beach, Virginia, this past weekend.
It was a wonderful time.

Speaker 6 I ended up eating a whole bunch of seafood.

Speaker 6 And Tony, I'm serious. I don't think I'm ever really going to stop eating the seafood.
I love some seafood. I was eating some of the fried shrimp.

Speaker 70 Ooh.

Speaker 7 What other?

Speaker 4 What are some other kind of seafood?

Speaker 6 I was eating fucking fried flounder.

Speaker 70 Ooh.

Speaker 6 I was eating fried grouper.

Speaker 56 Oh, Oh my God.

Speaker 3 I was eating fried redfish.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 3 And hush puppies, which is also like a fried breading bread.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 6 But yeah, it was really good. And I walked on Virginia Beach and had a really good time.
And it honestly, I felt like I was in Mogadishu or something. It seemed kind of crazy.

Speaker 6 I'm looking out at the ocean as there's just big fucking ships cruising around everywhere and just the people on the beach.

Speaker 32 It's like, where am

Speaker 6 but I loved it in Virginia Beach everybody that came to see me was great what what what about mogadeshu it's just i swear i just had like this like this feeling of where what fucking country am i in it just looks like crazy looking out

Speaker 154 oh there's there's james mccann your fellow uh your fellow uh i know it is so nice to see fellow ginger friend

Speaker 97 You look so cool with the durag.

Speaker 6 Thank you so much, man. I think you could get away with it because I feel like I can get away with it right now.
So I think you could get away with it.

Speaker 6 I'm afraid that there's stuff in it, like a flea or something.

Speaker 6 James, let's switch hats. I think you could.

Speaker 67 No, I don't think there's anything.

Speaker 6 Let's switch hats.

Speaker 8 Oh,

Speaker 83 the crowd wants it, James.

Speaker 83 Wow.

Speaker 94 Oh, my God.

Speaker 91 That's crazy.

Speaker 91 Oh, oh, my God.

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 61 James McCann.

Speaker 41 I think his pinky's getting shorter in real time.

Speaker 24 Somehow you look totally different than everybody.

Speaker 6 Shut your bitch ass.

Speaker 26 Anyway, excuse me.

Speaker 84 He's a whole new man.

Speaker 24 This is the new James McCann.

Speaker 6 Oh, now's the time to say it, but I'm too afraid.

Speaker 91 Hey.

Speaker 91 I was a camera.

Speaker 4 My ninja.

Speaker 22 Nutella.

Speaker 6 I'll regret that for the rest of my life.

Speaker 67 Damn.

Speaker 117 No, I won't do it anymore.

Speaker 6 I think that was a pretty bad mistake, James.

Speaker 83 We're going to swipe.

Speaker 28 We got to swipe.

Speaker 23 The Durang is too powerful.

Speaker 109 Give me my hat back.

Speaker 96 James McCann is on a USA tour.

Speaker 9 Get tickets at JDFMCC.com.

Speaker 11 William lights out.

Speaker 9 Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour.

Speaker 94 Kim Congnon's on tour.

Speaker 128 Kim Congnon.com with a C O N G D O N.

Speaker 14 She's a Brea, May 14th.

Speaker 119 Oxnard, May 15th.

Speaker 18 James McCann is everywhere.

Speaker 73 It is a true American tour.

Speaker 69 Again, JDF McCann with 2Ns.com.

Speaker 6 She has three ends now. Shit.

Speaker 11 Feel free to bleep that.

Speaker 6 Maybe it's one of the parts of the show that just stays in the room.

Speaker 124 Express VPN, ZipRecruiter, Prize Picks and Tocovas.

Speaker 18 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 60 E-Belt is in.

Speaker 133 It is incredible.

Speaker 100 How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land?

Speaker 117 Red band.

Speaker 62 Check out the sunsetstripatx.com love you guys no doubt about it here we go london england madison square garden everything's right around the corner a lot of other fun stuff another more huge announcements and everything non-stop with this goddamn show somehow it just continues on and on we go

Speaker 9 live audience thank you we love you thank you good night everybody james mcann kim condon

Speaker 178 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 178 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to Sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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