#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Hey, this is Redmit coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kale Tony.

Speaker 8 Get up for Tony Expand.

Speaker 11 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 15 And now, about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, that is indeed the Kill Tony band: Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande.

Speaker 15 That is the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 22 John Dees on the keys, and that is D-Madness on the bass guitar.

Speaker 23 Stupid straws.

Speaker 25 How we feeling tonight, everybody happy to be here.

Speaker 14 I am wearing sunglasses for the first time in the show's history, for I am coming off fresh from WrestleMania last night.

Speaker 32 We did a roast of WrestleMania which lasted until the wee hours of the night and then hung out with Triple H and fucking a bunch of people that you guys could never fathom the type of life that I live.

Speaker 36 Long story short.

Speaker 37 And so that's sunglasses night.

Speaker 38 It's sunglasses night for this guy too.

Speaker 27 Look at this dirt ball right here.

Speaker 40 He's got a grill. Absolutely.

Speaker 41 That's unbelievable, sir.

Speaker 42 How fucking cool are you?

Speaker 43 I love it.

Speaker 44 I need someone to take my trash out on Wednesdays.

Speaker 47 Are you free on Wednesday?

Speaker 48 All right.

Speaker 16 Anyway, fuck yeah.

Speaker 49 Before we get tonight's show started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 52 I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone. Lowe's knows Sundays are for football.
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Speaker 20 Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh?

Speaker 20 Every single week, I have two of the most entertaining people in the world on this show.

Speaker 31 This week is no different.

Speaker 66 We have the return of one of our favorite guests of the year and a first-time guest who I can say with no hesitation is my favorite person on all of social media.

Speaker 31 Nobody makes me laugh like this man.

Speaker 74 One of the greatest entertainers in the world, one of the most fascinating creatures on planet Earth, one of the greatest athletes of all time.

Speaker 63 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guests, Antonio Brown and Tommy Pope.

Speaker 80 Fuck yes.

Speaker 80 Antonio motherfucking Brown, baby.

Speaker 14 Let's go.

Speaker 81 Tommy Pope.

Speaker 82 Tommy Pope

Speaker 19 is on one of the funniest shows on planet Earth.

Speaker 45 One of the two funniest shows.

Speaker 21 It's Kill Tony and Tires.

Speaker 83 He is on Tires season two.

Speaker 14 Debuting June 5th.

Speaker 85 One of my favorite comedians.

Speaker 86 He does the look-a-dish on YouTube.

Speaker 73 And Stuff Island is his podcast.

Speaker 87 Thanks for having me, Anthony.

Speaker 35 Good to be here, Thomas.

Speaker 89 And this is indeed one of the most fascinating entertainers in the world, Antonio Brown.

Speaker 90 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 15 Antonio Brown.

Speaker 33 His first time on the show at AB84, but I'm sure anybody that watches this show is already following your crazy ass.

Speaker 47 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 76 He posts about Jimmy Kimmel being gay, and it is my favorite shit on planet Earth.

Speaker 67 He will find some gay shit, and he will post it, and he'll say, this is what Jimmy Kimmel does for breakfast, or fucking all of it.

Speaker 86 You name it. And I get it, and I send it to Joe.

Speaker 32 I send it to Shane.

Speaker 3 And fucking, you are what we share.

Speaker 89 People might wonder, hey, what do some of the funniest people in the world text about?

Speaker 69 We send Antonio Brown's tweets to each other.

Speaker 25 And Kanye.

Speaker 99 Kanye's got some good ones too.

Speaker 17 You got some stiff competition out there.

Speaker 69 One of the greatest geniuses of all, rap geniuses of all time, is also a wild boy on social media.

Speaker 103 Antonio Brown

Speaker 23 is

Speaker 74 stayanchored.com, some CBD stuff.

Speaker 2 That's you.

Speaker 104 The weed.

Speaker 42 That's right. You got weed.

Speaker 105 Okay, yeah, it's THC.

Speaker 106 And

Speaker 107 Crash...

Speaker 5 What is it? Crash Pot buckets

Speaker 67 crashoutbuckets.com for those of you in the market for a helmet

Speaker 111 he is selling them that you're being that cool you can wear a Vietnam helmet but nobody brings it up dude He walked into the green room everyone's like yo you look great dude

Speaker 113 Sick as hell, bro.

Speaker 39 I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure Antonio's got the market cornered for people that are looking for some hard ass helmets

Speaker 28 And I'll tell you, our fan base needs fucking helmets.

Speaker 76 So you just hit the lottery.

Speaker 43 CrashOutBuckets.com for your Antonio Brown helmet.

Speaker 93 And

Speaker 5 yeah, it's going down, everybody.

Speaker 21 Antonio's first time on the show.

Speaker 31 Over 200 people signed up to be on this Mamma Jama.

Speaker 37 They're crammed in a bar right next door.

Speaker 33 If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 83 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

Speaker 23 And then I interview them, and we all find out more about them live in the flesh.

Speaker 35 Don't touch the bucket. Pull a name out.

Speaker 119 Fucking weirdo.

Speaker 36 Gave him a real chance to do something cool, and he takes it.

Speaker 120 Like it's Paul Bear holding an urn for the undertaker.

Speaker 65 Oh, the Bookert!

Speaker 43 Fucking weirdo.

Speaker 121 Fucking blew it.

Speaker 122 The first name has has been picked by what appears to be one of Donald Trump's nephews.

Speaker 83 And so the show shall begin.

Speaker 118 While we go wrangle your first bucket pull of the night, I have a golden ticket winner ready to go for your first 60-second uninterrupted set of the night.

Speaker 28 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

Speaker 24 This is the long-awaited return of one of the great golden ticket winners.

Speaker 21 This is Todd Royce, everybody.

Speaker 124 Here we fucking go.

Speaker 112 What is up, Austin?

Speaker 125 I don't know.

Speaker 126 I have a weird relationship with my mom. Does anybody else have a weird relationship with my mom?

Speaker 126 My mom never understood boundaries when it came to me. Like, she never understood that there were things I don't want to hear my mom say.

Speaker 126 Like, I remember one time she came home and she said, hey, Todd, I got a joke. I go, what's that? And she goes, why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

Speaker 101 I said, why?

Speaker 126 And she said, because at 69, she gets a little fog in her throat.

Speaker 126 I was like, mom, that's disgusting. Also, I think it should be frog.
She goes, What do you mean, frog?

Speaker 54 I go, At 69, she gets a little frog in her throat.

Speaker 126 It's a frog like Kermit. She goes, No, no, it's fog, like cum.
And I was like, Mom,

Speaker 126 so now I'm a 16-year-old virgin arguing about the sexual habits of two Muppets with my mom.

Speaker 126 It's probably why I'm still in therapy. It's probably also why I get an erection every time the Muppets come on,

Speaker 126 or I talk to my mom.

Speaker 126 That's a joke. I'm kidding.
I've never gotten hard watching the Muppets grow up.

Speaker 7 Thank you guys.

Speaker 8 All right, Todd Royce.

Speaker 14 There you go. 60 seconds set.

Speaker 10 That's how it's done. He's done it again.

Speaker 89 How long ago did we meet you, Todd?

Speaker 117 When did you get your golden ticket?

Speaker 126 2019.

Speaker 74 2019. Wow.

Speaker 130 Six years ago.

Speaker 126 It's a long time.

Speaker 39 One full pandemic.

Speaker 69 Absolutely.

Speaker 54 That I survived.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 96 Shockingly incredible.

Speaker 76 And that is only because of CrashOutBuckets.com.

Speaker 23 That's true.

Speaker 5 That's true.

Speaker 30 You wore a helmet throughout the entire thing.

Speaker 131 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 132 Todd, remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 126 I've been doing stand-up for seven years.

Speaker 39 How old are you?

Speaker 126 I am 46 years old.

Speaker 27 46? Wow.

Speaker 69 You don't look a day over 450 pounds.

Speaker 15 Look at you.

Speaker 126 People do say I look young for my age, but that's just because I'm a health nut.

Speaker 23 You're a health nut? Yeah.

Speaker 33 What kind of nut is that exactly?

Speaker 126 It's one definitely wrapped in chocolate.

Speaker 90 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 135 For sure.

Speaker 33 And what have you been up to, Todd?

Speaker 44 Tell us, it's been a while since you've been on the show.

Speaker 126 I live in Las Vegas. I just started a show in Las Vegas and downtown.

Speaker 39 In Las Vegas.

Speaker 67 Do you live in Las Vegas because you are the sphere?

Speaker 80 That's right.

Speaker 126 The dead is inside me right now.

Speaker 126 Because the Grateful Dead, they're doing a show out at the sphere. Never mind.
You got it. Okay.

Speaker 47 You're doing good, Todd. You're doing good.

Speaker 137 Where exactly do you get a shirt that size?

Speaker 34 Where do you have to go?

Speaker 46 Is that a custom job?

Speaker 47 What exactly?

Speaker 139 What the fuck?

Speaker 110 A Mexican roofing company.

Speaker 55 So they lay the tarp down when they do roots.

Speaker 140 Roofs.

Speaker 7 No, this was just a tarp in the backyard.

Speaker 126 We just had it

Speaker 126 and so put it on.

Speaker 83 No, but seriously, where do you get carpet?

Speaker 126 I go to a place called DXL,

Speaker 126 which, by the way, if you don't know, a lot of people think it's the LuxXL, XL, wherever it's destination extra large. If this is your destination, you fucked up in life.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 46 No doubt about it.

Speaker 47 It is incredible.

Speaker 46 We have one of the greatest football players of all time here.

Speaker 144 Did you ever play football, Todd?

Speaker 46 You don't have to touch the guests.

Speaker 84 All right, I'll stop.

Speaker 74 Did you ever play football, Todd?

Speaker 89 You're a big boy.

Speaker 143 You seem like you would have been a good center, offensive lineman.

Speaker 87 I thought about it, but then there's a lot of running in football.

Speaker 126 And I'm not much of a runner, believe it or not. And no, I never really did football.
I did wrestling, but that was

Speaker 126 never played football.

Speaker 126 If you want to take me under your wing, and maybe I could start another career.

Speaker 143 Maybe he could take you under his wing and you could take him under your breasts and thighs.

Speaker 138 Because you are a monster, Todd.

Speaker 75 How much exactly do you weigh?

Speaker 126 Right now, you want to know how much I weigh?

Speaker 39 Oh, I want to know.

Speaker 39 Do you guys want to know how much I weigh?

Speaker 151 Let's get the scale ready here.

Speaker 10 There's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 85 Absolute eye candy.

Speaker 19 So much candy that Todd wants to eat her.

Speaker 90 I love it. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 73 Todd would eat everything except for her pussy.

Speaker 143 What do you think you weigh, Todd?

Speaker 126 Last time I checked, I was two, no, four.

Speaker 156 I'm going to need AB's helmet.

Speaker 110 This thing's going to shatter.

Speaker 114 Glad this is going everywhere.

Speaker 158 I was only 412 pounds.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 151 You guys want to take a guess?

Speaker 126 D-Madness.

Speaker 45 Tommy, would you like to take a guess at how much you think Todd weighs Scottish blueberry.

Speaker 160 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 87 I'm going to go.

Speaker 113 It's first of all, it's nice to meet you.

Speaker 158 Yeah, I'm sorry. No, no, absolutely.

Speaker 8 I'm sorry for what's about to happen.

Speaker 126 I thought I heard that you just died, but that was, I guess, someone else.

Speaker 35 It was a different Pope.

Speaker 5 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 11 This is Tommy Pope.

Speaker 86 Are you fucking done?

Speaker 109 You're thinking I'm not sure.

Speaker 5 I just went up 50 pounds.

Speaker 112 I just went up 50 pounds for that fucking ass.

Speaker 162 I just said, it's good to meet you.

Speaker 113 I'm going to make this easy.

Speaker 32 You're right.

Speaker 114 I'm sorry. Yeah.

Speaker 109 No, you're right.

Speaker 54 412.

Speaker 141 You're going with his guess.

Speaker 163 So the last time he weighed in, it was 412.

Speaker 151 Tommy's going with 412. Let's get a guess.

Speaker 27 Did he say that?

Speaker 109 Yeah. He said 412? Yeah.

Speaker 160 I swear to God, I did not hear that.

Speaker 47 Well, that's just unbelievable.

Speaker 48 It was right there.

Speaker 151 There's a lot of amplification in the room.

Speaker 155 There's literally.

Speaker 126 It's even hard to see, but I guess sometimes I'm hard to hear.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 16 There you go.

Speaker 73 Tommy. All right.

Speaker 31 All right. Let's check in with the great Antonio Brown.

Speaker 72 He was 412 last time he weighed himself.

Speaker 143 What do you think he's weighing in at today?

Speaker 126 Do you want the full turnaround? Black dudes usually like me from behind.

Speaker 30 He said that you might like his fat white ass, Antonio.

Speaker 28 What's the number? What do you think?

Speaker 164 That's a whole lot of chicken.

Speaker 164 Oh, the chest muscles work.

Speaker 164 I'll say 450.

Speaker 23 450.

Speaker 31 I like that guess.

Speaker 63 I actually like Antonio's guess.

Speaker 27 I was going to go around there.

Speaker 21 I'm going to go 435.

Speaker 64 Red Band, you are the senior obese correspondent.

Speaker 76 I'm gonna go with 420.

Speaker 73 420,

Speaker 14 coming fresh off of 420.

Speaker 6 I don't think I'm that high.

Speaker 83 Okay, well, we're gonna see.

Speaker 143 You don't know what we see when we look at you.

Speaker 39 It is incredible.

Speaker 126 I'm also wearing heavy shoes.

Speaker 76 That's all that

Speaker 76 is all part of the guess here.

Speaker 66 That is

Speaker 157 wearing heavy years, too, dude.

Speaker 28 And now, ladies and gentlemen, stepping on the scale, this is Todd Royce.

Speaker 166 Tommy Pope, give me a reading over there.

Speaker 92 We should all be wearing protective goggles.

Speaker 78 Oh, 412!

Speaker 111 412, exactly.

Speaker 111 That is correct. Give me a book.
Give me a book.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 85 That is a much better direct.

Speaker 126 That's a much better reaction than my doctor usually has.

Speaker 7 Your doctor.

Speaker 157 Your doctor needs to be fired.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 88 Yeah, your doctor's fucked up, dude.

Speaker 56 He's fleecing you. What's up? Todd.

Speaker 19 Anything else crazy we should know about before letting you go?

Speaker 126 I am trying to get my Instagram followers up to over 500,000.

Speaker 106 Uh-huh.

Speaker 93 You need more grams?

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 126 I'm at 9,000 right now, so it's going to be hard.

Speaker 16 But

Speaker 126 if you guys could help me out, that would be awesome. I also got shows coming up in San Antonio.

Speaker 27 Are you going to say your Instagram handle?

Speaker 158 Yeah, it's sure.

Speaker 93 That would be a brilliant idea.

Speaker 126 You think anyone's watching the show? It's uh I'm kidding

Speaker 126 Don't ever insult the show that's

Speaker 126 crazy Todd Royce, that's T-O-Double D Royce XXL Wow, there you go.

Speaker 8 There it is. Motherfucker.

Speaker 151 Little something from your pal Red Band over there.

Speaker 17 There he goes.

Speaker 19 He's got the show started with a bang and a boom.

Speaker 14 And a one and a two. There goes Todd Royce.

Speaker 153 And to the bucket we go.

Speaker 163 You guys excited to be here?

Speaker 85 This is the fun part of the show.

Speaker 16 This is the nitty-gritty.

Speaker 59 This is where we meet people all together. Perhaps we've seen them before.
Maybe they're worse than they were before.

Speaker 63 Maybe they're better than they were before.

Speaker 59 Maybe it's their first time ever on the show.

Speaker 19 Maybe it's their first time doing comedy. Either way, I try my best to find out as much about them that's interesting as I possibly can.

Speaker 59 Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. His name is Tyler Wayne, everybody.

Speaker 124 Here we go.

Speaker 59 Tyler Wayne.

Speaker 59 Hello, everyone.

Speaker 168 I hope you guys had a good 420.

Speaker 168 Or Easter if you're gay.

Speaker 168 I hate when people say that we doesn't have any medical benefits. We can save your life.

Speaker 69 I was a piss test away from working at Walmart, you guys.

Speaker 168 Oh, man. It is good to be here.
I'm having a weird day, though. I'm having one of those days where your ex calls you from the psych ward.

Speaker 168 anyone else date the homeless

Speaker 43 it's fun

Speaker 168 it has benefits like you know you get to fuck at the park

Speaker 169 you just have to sleep there too that sucks

Speaker 168 that sucks but we wound up breaking up because I got a place you know and I brought her indoors and she kept doing homeless shit inside and

Speaker 168 It's like, you can't be doing this, you know, we got to be better people.

Speaker 43 Get that piss jug out of here.

Speaker 170 Thank you.

Speaker 82 Tyler Wayne.

Speaker 21 You think homeless people piss in jugs?

Speaker 26 Yeah, when you're sleeping in the car.

Speaker 144 Okay, that's a more specific type of homeless.

Speaker 76 A homeless, carful

Speaker 68 person in a piss jug.

Speaker 75 Normally they just piss outside.

Speaker 135 Yeah, I had respect for...

Speaker 43 the other homeless around me.

Speaker 3 I was like, I don't want to brag, you know, and showing you.

Speaker 91 If there's any homeless people listening, they will be proud to know that you think they piss in jugs.

Speaker 73 Okay, Tyler, how long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 132 Six years.

Speaker 73 Six years? Where at?

Speaker 168 I started in Iowa.

Speaker 172 Okay.

Speaker 58 Is that where you were born and raised?

Speaker 43 I was born in Louisiana, but I was raised in Iowa, yeah.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 3 What do you do for work?

Speaker 173 I'm a cook at Creek in the Cave.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 73 Cook at Creek in the Cave.

Speaker 5 What was that?

Speaker 144 Was that you, Tommy?

Speaker 27 Yeah, I'm sorry. What was that?

Speaker 156 I just put on his jewelry, dude.

Speaker 54 I'm fucking feeling it.

Speaker 69 Oh, shit.

Speaker 94 Oh, shit. I just noticed.

Speaker 6 I'm not saying about your set right now, man.

Speaker 6 You doing real good out there.

Speaker 121 Keep it going.

Speaker 82 Hell yeah.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. That's my real last name, by the way.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Isn't that cool?

Speaker 170 Really?

Speaker 151 Yeah. Your real last name is Papa?

Speaker 167 Yeah. And you go by Pope?

Speaker 160 Oh, yeah, I had to change it.

Speaker 91 You could be Tommy Papa?

Speaker 110 Isn't that cool? Why'd you change it? Oh, there's another one.

Speaker 27 Oh, there is Tom Papa.

Speaker 155 Yeah, he is.

Speaker 174 Oh, that's interesting.

Speaker 151 And he bakes bread and is a

Speaker 167 very, very liberal guy.

Speaker 54 You know what I'm gonna do?

Speaker 160 Yeah, I'm gonna get on show with him, show up in his fucking Vietnam helmet

Speaker 113 with this on, and I'll say, fight me to the fucking death.

Speaker 160 For the rights of the name.

Speaker 69 Crashoutbuckets.com.

Speaker 27 The exclusive place to get a helmet like that.

Speaker 123 Look how cool this looks, dude.

Speaker 160 Imagine

Speaker 78 we're having fun.

Speaker 84 So, Tyler, you are a cook at the creek and the cave.

Speaker 45 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 5 I like to go skateboarding. I picked that up.

Speaker 117 You have a skateboard.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 169 Okay. You picked that up recently?

Speaker 168 Yeah, about a year ago.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 144 How the hell did you just hand me a little skateboard?

Speaker 43 That's a Kill Tony skateboard.

Speaker 95 Oh, my God.

Speaker 105 Where did you get this from?

Speaker 46 Wow, fucking.

Speaker 123 Heath Cordes's

Speaker 9 skateboard.

Speaker 40 He wrote in on it.

Speaker 5 I love it. That's incredible.

Speaker 35 Okay, Tyler, you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 170 Yeah.

Speaker 149 Okay. Is she really homeless?

Speaker 172 No.

Speaker 104 Well, when I was dating that girl, we were both homeless.

Speaker 43 Yeah, we were.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 142 So you really were in a double homeless relationship?

Speaker 175 Yeah.

Speaker 168 I like roommates, you know.

Speaker 171 I didn't want to

Speaker 5 be alone with them.

Speaker 46 What are some highlights of a double homeless relationship?

Speaker 168 Well, one time I was taking a dump and she was telling me about how she worked for the government.

Speaker 5 Hold on, where were you taking a dump at exactly?

Speaker 169 This is when we were inside.

Speaker 83 Inside of a house?

Speaker 70 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 104 It's the good old days.

Speaker 87 I don't mean to brag.

Speaker 113 I was shitting indoors.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Really incredible.

Speaker 89 So the door is open?

Speaker 101 Is this a studio apartment, I'm guessing?

Speaker 70 Yeah, it was a studio.

Speaker 40 The door was closed.

Speaker 43 She opened it to tell me that I didn't have to work anymore because she worked for the government.

Speaker 171 Wow. she was lying.
I still had to go to the bottom.

Speaker 18 She was just lying to you.

Speaker 88 What did she say that she got hired for the government to do?

Speaker 70 Spy work.

Speaker 37 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 169 Oh, totally.

Speaker 83 That's a real thing.

Speaker 150 Anytime your homeless girlfriend tells you she just got hired by the government to become a spy,

Speaker 162 you know for the ultimate kickflip, dude.

Speaker 177 It's a skateboard joke.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 33 So what did you say while taking a shit and she tells you she got hired by the government?

Speaker 168 Well, it was my first time watching someone have a psychological break right in front of me.

Speaker 166 So I didn't, I just kind of agreed and was hoping she didn't have a knife.

Speaker 38 How did this relationship end?

Speaker 73 Take us through the breakup there.

Speaker 168 Do you want me to drop you off at your dad's house or the shelter?

Speaker 151 No, seriously, come on.

Speaker 169 No, I'm serious.

Speaker 11 No, but seriously, like, how does it start to end?

Speaker 143 Like, what are some highlights of the end?

Speaker 150 Not the last words.

Speaker 39 Sorry.

Speaker 22 I'm like, how did it end?

Speaker 103 He's like, I said goodbye.

Speaker 39 Well,

Speaker 42 she was unhealthy mentally.

Speaker 43 And I started to realize that after about a month and a half.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but I mean,

Speaker 76 you were still fucking her, correct?

Speaker 170 Well, she gave great head, dude.

Speaker 170 Ah. What about that vagina, though?

Speaker 51 It gripped like no other, man.

Speaker 5 It what?

Speaker 178 It gripped like no other.

Speaker 154 It gripped like no other.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 28 So you're saying that homeless vagina is better than a vagina that has a home?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 120 Oh, okay.

Speaker 43 But that one gripped like no other.

Speaker 40 That one was good.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 91 So some highlights of the end of that relationship.

Speaker 168 She told me that she cheated on me when we were living in the car with a guy who had a house.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 31 Oh, see, that's why I do the interview portion of the show.

Speaker 120 We never would have found that out.

Speaker 174 That has to be the worst.

Speaker 93 Most people never even fathom anything like that.

Speaker 38 Most people in a relationship are like, man, I hope my significant other doesn't cheat on me.

Speaker 179 But did not have a home at all.

Speaker 58 And for her to tell you that she cheated on you with a person that sleeps in a bed.

Speaker 180 Yeah.

Speaker 41 I mean.

Speaker 43 And I remember the night, too, because I had parked under the bridge on 6th Street and I was waiting for her all night.

Speaker 149 Jesus.

Speaker 27 Pissed.

Speaker 152 Wow.

Speaker 106 Sorry. Oh,

Speaker 177 this is incredible.

Speaker 94 No, this is great.

Speaker 47 This is amazing.

Speaker 39 It got better, dude. Like, I'm fine now.

Speaker 109 Are you fine?

Speaker 162 Fucking reading his diary right now.

Speaker 113 This is insane.

Speaker 132 Antonio Brown is smoking some amazing, to help him cope with your life,

Speaker 120 Tyler Wayne, just so that he can even listen to you.

Speaker 75 He is smoking some of the stay anchored.com marijuana, in which he is either the, I believe, the owner of the company or an official sponsored

Speaker 173 person.

Speaker 143 Is this helping you deal with his life?

Speaker 164 Yeah, he said he had me going when he said a homeless design of vagino.

Speaker 108 Man, this is the best.

Speaker 136 The charmer, this man.

Speaker 162 He just locked eyes in a home with a vagina, vagina.

Speaker 182 And I was like, yes.

Speaker 87 Fucking yes.

Speaker 110 Whatever you said, A.B., I'm fucking in.

Speaker 183 Antonio,

Speaker 67 I pretty much imagine that you can have sex with anything in the world that you would ever want.

Speaker 41 I mean, one of the greatest football players of all time.

Speaker 25 You're covered in absolute bling-bling, as I used to say when I was a little bit younger and so what is the uh what is like the lowest you've ever gone can I ask you that with a winner with a piece of pussy now I'm not expecting pure homelessness I know for sure you never parked your car waiting for the girl to come home to the car I know you've never hit the low lows of Tyler Wayne however I'm wondering is there a maybe a time in your life in which you were just like you know what I just want to bust a nut right now and I want a human to help me with it.

Speaker 58 What's the lowest you've ever gone?

Speaker 186 Slightly above jerking off, but

Speaker 5 below your normal quality.

Speaker 41 What's the lowest you've ever gone, Antonio?

Speaker 147 Others go low, I go high.

Speaker 138 Perfect answer.

Speaker 34 That's a great way to avoid any lawsuits or anything like that.

Speaker 86 That's exactly what a Democratic candidate for president would have said.

Speaker 173 Perfect.

Speaker 73 Should I give him this fucking thing?

Speaker 38 I mean, I've never seen this before.

Speaker 101 Where did this come from?

Speaker 62 Oh, this is one of your finger thing.

Speaker 43 I'm not going to give away this fucking thing.

Speaker 27 No, I can't give away.

Speaker 23 This is like Colt's livelihood.

Speaker 86 Colt literally does the fucking skateboard with his finger shit.

Speaker 25 I'm not going to take your one kill.

Speaker 69 Do you have another one?

Speaker 38 You have another Kill Tony skateboard?

Speaker 67 Guess what, my friend?

Speaker 14 You are the first ever recipient of a Kill Tony skateboard. Tyler Wayne, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 121 Great new pillow. Yeah.

Speaker 108 Fucking right.

Speaker 42 There he goes, Tyler Wayne.

Speaker 179 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 188 He's still up here.

Speaker 22 He's looking for a place to sleep on this stage.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 151 Amazing.

Speaker 154 A cook at the creek in the cave.

Speaker 181 Anything can happen here.

Speaker 153 There's the lovely Heidi.

Speaker 14 The boys are drinking tonight.

Speaker 183 Antonio Brown with white Russians.

Speaker 189 Is that what that is? Hell yeah.

Speaker 188 What are you drinking, Tommy?

Speaker 147 It's just whiskey.

Speaker 115 Just whiskey straight up on the rocks.

Speaker 5 We're having a whiskey.

Speaker 5 I'm having a jungle fever.

Speaker 30 You having jungle fever.

Speaker 93 Black man with a white Russian.

Speaker 29 I get it.

Speaker 83 That makes perfect sense.

Speaker 190 What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate? One who comes when you call? One who doesn't forget to lock the doors? Maybe one who doesn't steal your milk.

Speaker 190 Just a little bit at a time hoping that you won't notice at apartments.com they understand that when it comes to roommates a pet can be your best bet they're easygoing they eat what you serve them and they never clog the toilet and that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet and with instant alerts you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Speaker 190 Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

Speaker 190 When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

Speaker 190 So, if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place. Thanks, apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 191 Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other. When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

Speaker 191 When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Speaker 79 Oh, come on.

Speaker 191 They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip. Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.
Whatever.

Speaker 191 You were made to outdo your holidays. We were made to help organize the competition.
Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 85 Your next bucketful goes by the name of Dylan Jarbo, everybody.

Speaker 124 Dylan Jarbo, we're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 192 I just found out high blood sugar.

Speaker 192 Doctor asked me what I've been eating. I said a lot of blood, a lot of sugar.

Speaker 192 You know I was in high school. I thought it'd be really sweet to go to prom with my grandma, but it wasn't.

Speaker 192 She went home with somebody else.

Speaker 192 I think water bottles are getting too big. It's like you go to the gym, you see see a girl, she just has like a scuba tank with a straw in it.

Speaker 192 You got a climate to drink out of it?

Speaker 192 I like to do this thing. I'll go to the gym with like a gallon jug and I just fill it full of white cloths.

Speaker 192 So all the ladies are like, wow, good for him.

Speaker 114 I'm like, you want to see how much I can pinch press?

Speaker 26 Do you take fish oils?

Speaker 121 Can I have a cigarette?

Speaker 192 I did a dry January this year. 31 days, no crying.

Speaker 192 Thank you so much.

Speaker 94 Dylan Jarbo, getting laughs throughout the set.

Speaker 58 Welcome back, Dylan.

Speaker 44 You've been on this show before.

Speaker 42 Yes, sir.

Speaker 119 Good to be back here.

Speaker 31 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 37 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 192 I just hit nine years.

Speaker 78 Wow, nine years.

Speaker 3 Incredible.

Speaker 93 Where have you been doing it for nine years?

Speaker 192 I did five years in Jacksonville and I moved out here four years ago.

Speaker 83 You moved out here four years ago.

Speaker 61 Okay, what do you do for work?

Speaker 192 I have an IT job, work from home.

Speaker 171 Okay, you work from home.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 57 Boring.

Speaker 191 Yeah.

Speaker 58 How many hours a day do you work from home?

Speaker 192 Technically, eight, but really like two.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 32 And how do you,

Speaker 73 how do you,

Speaker 101 what do you, I mean, there must be a lot of spare time, so what the hell are you doing with your life other than

Speaker 171 comedy?

Speaker 94 During work or other than comedy?

Speaker 122 In life, overall.

Speaker 143 The other 22 fucking hours of the day.

Speaker 192 I foster dogs.

Speaker 146 Wow.

Speaker 15 Take care of animals. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 192 I just put them in an apartment until someone finds one, and then...

Speaker 46 Oh, you have an apartment.

Speaker 166 What a huge upgrade from the other people that have been on this show so far.

Speaker 144 The homeless? Yeah.

Speaker 133 Yeah.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 130 And you live by yourself?

Speaker 171 I do, yeah.

Speaker 42 And how are you able to afford that?

Speaker 58 Just with your IT job?

Speaker 192 Just with my IT job. It gets by enough.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 25 And how many dogs do you foster?

Speaker 135 Have you fostered?

Speaker 170 One.

Speaker 5 Oh, wow.

Speaker 151 What an amazing

Speaker 97 dog.

Speaker 5 It's just singular.

Speaker 73 Yeah. Did you eat it?

Speaker 108 No.

Speaker 39 Did not eat it.

Speaker 192 No, it was a puppy, so it was like Black Friday. It was gone in seconds.

Speaker 23 So you got a dog?

Speaker 192 Yeah, I adopted. I helped with a dog.
Oh.

Speaker 104 And then

Speaker 192 it was gone.

Speaker 139 I didn't see anymore. You gave it away.

Speaker 192 You kind of have to. Yeah, I wasn't going to keep it.

Speaker 149 how long did you have it for

Speaker 192 a day

Speaker 83 wow and out of all the things that you could have answered about your entire life i specifically made a point to say the other 22 hours of the day what do you do with your life it's i fostered a dog it was actually a dog one day it was one day one puppy one day one day one dog one little do i guess everybody here is a fucking dog foster

Speaker 26 you could be

Speaker 43 wow anything else about your entire life dylan jarbo i mean anything at all.

Speaker 145 Do you have you ever seen the show before, Dylan?

Speaker 92 I know you've been on it, but have you ever watched it?

Speaker 192 No, I love Big Basketball Guy, I'm Undefeated and Horse. That's another one.

Speaker 15 Really? I like to walk.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 195 Wow.

Speaker 69 Are you undefeated?

Speaker 99 I'm 2-0.

Speaker 150 Wow. This is incredible.

Speaker 29 He played one day, ever. He had a dog for a day.

Speaker 120 And he played horse one time.

Speaker 108 It was twice.

Speaker 192 Two games, two and a half. Wow.

Speaker 120 This is a shocking interview.

Speaker 111 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 174 Dylan,

Speaker 76 so

Speaker 76 what scares you?

Speaker 170 Oh.

Speaker 65 Dogs.

Speaker 79 Oh.

Speaker 98 Hell.

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 155 Wasps.

Speaker 5 Wasps?

Speaker 192 I can't deal with the wasps.

Speaker 101 How often do you see wasps?

Speaker 192 Oh, at least once a week.

Speaker 192 There's just one wasp floating around my apartment.

Speaker 160 Like a white Anglo-Saxon person.

Speaker 57 Yeah, he's pissed at me.

Speaker 192 I fucked around this wasp. He's around.

Speaker 91 Have you ever been stung by a wasp?

Speaker 23 No, thank God.

Speaker 94 Why are you so afraid of them?

Speaker 74 Why are you so traumatized by a thing that's never even affected you?

Speaker 192 I just could see my future, and I don't want that.

Speaker 23 It's going to hurt.

Speaker 5 These people that work from home are losing their goddamn minds.

Speaker 28 I don't know if anybody else can

Speaker 134 What?

Speaker 38 You seem like you would have a weird porn fetish. Like, what is your porn category when you search it?

Speaker 169 That's a good question.

Speaker 149 You are on IT.

Speaker 11 There's a lot of spare time on that computer.

Speaker 25 You definitely don't have a girlfriend with that school shooter face.

Speaker 131 I mean, you look like you have dirty thoughts.

Speaker 30 I agree with Red Band.

Speaker 91 You have a fetish-like mind. Tell the truth.

Speaker 143 Spill the beans.

Speaker 29 What are you into with porn?

Speaker 123 a lot of solo stuff wow that makes sense you live a very lonely life um

Speaker 42 it's relatable to you and your life

Speaker 89 being solo so often oh yes i could see why you would be into solo stuff what do you like to watch them do solo talk

Speaker 192 masturbate

Speaker 8 What penetration?

Speaker 7 Is it the wasp thing? You don't like it?

Speaker 192 No, there's no wasps in it.

Speaker 119 I I mean, it's strictly

Speaker 192 maybe a dildo for getting crazy.

Speaker 82 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 94 Wow. So, you guys were on the opposite.

Speaker 192 I'm pretty vanilla on the orange.

Speaker 39 Oh, you're pretty vanilla.

Speaker 108 All right, dude.

Speaker 120 You are a fucking, you are the root.

Speaker 18 You are vanilla extract, my friend.

Speaker 77 I mean, I have been trying for the last five fucking minutes to get anything out of you whatsoever.

Speaker 83 We got one day you fostered a dog and you literally shot a basketball for what comes out to about 12 minutes.

Speaker 7 He's blinked twice.

Speaker 110 I feel like he fostered the dog, and the dog was like, Mom, can you come pick me up, dude?

Speaker 157 This dude's out of his fucking mind.

Speaker 136 You think you might girls finger themselves all day long?

Speaker 5 I'm fucking hungry.

Speaker 32 Look me.

Speaker 158 I got a shit,

Speaker 178 said the dog.

Speaker 148 You don't have a wild side at all.

Speaker 151 There's nothing like something.

Speaker 99 Like every once in a while, you do something.

Speaker 196 He's staring at me, dude.

Speaker 97 I'm looking at Tony.

Speaker 6 He's talking.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I know. I'm looking at him.

Speaker 197 Oh, control your fucking eyeballs.

Speaker 158 This is insane.

Speaker 39 Give me your helmet, dude.

Speaker 5 This boy is insane.

Speaker 155 I'd rather be homeless.

Speaker 69 I'm sorry, Tony.

Speaker 5 No, you're good.

Speaker 46 What kind of car do you drive?

Speaker 119 Ford Focus.

Speaker 8 Jesus. Checks out.

Speaker 5 Fucking Christ, man.

Speaker 91 You might be one of the scariest people we've ever seen.

Speaker 162 Don't look at him in the eyes, Tone.

Speaker 197 Don't look him in the eyes.

Speaker 138 What color is the Ford Focus? Is it white?

Speaker 192 It's black.

Speaker 82 Whoa,

Speaker 82 look at that.

Speaker 31 What an amazing twist.

Speaker 169 I can't believe that. That's like shocking to me.

Speaker 76 Speaking of black focus, Antonio Brown.

Speaker 143 Have you ever seen anybody quite this boring before? Is this like, this is like, you're used to this?

Speaker 185 Like, this would be like the guy that irons the jerseys and hangs them up for you guys or something like that, right?

Speaker 45 Everybody's like kind of special needs.

Speaker 91 Everyone in the team's nice to them, right?

Speaker 41 Something like that.

Speaker 43 Who does this remind you of?

Speaker 148 Have you ever been around a specimen this fucking.

Speaker 164 yeah he's like the ball boy like

Speaker 39 the ball man

Speaker 152 well

Speaker 48 Dylan

Speaker 132 next time you come on

Speaker 39 you know think about what

Speaker 71 the podcast part of the show.

Speaker 48 You know what I mean?

Speaker 169 The millions of people watching and listening.

Speaker 5 Think about that part.

Speaker 169 I got you. The 60 seconds you have a pretty good grasp on.

Speaker 69 You already have a little joke book?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 95 You have a big one?

Speaker 74 Yeah, like four years ago.

Speaker 47 You know what? I'm going to give you a little one.

Speaker 174 That's good. Just based on.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 141 That's what happens when you sit at home all day watching people fucking

Speaker 74 finger themselves.

Speaker 3 Absolutely incredible, Dylan.

Speaker 71 Get some fresh air, pal.

Speaker 46 Go to a park or something.

Speaker 105 Get your joke book.

Speaker 27 Get your joke book.

Speaker 30 This guy has no idea how to be in society.

Speaker 10 Dylan Charbo.

Speaker 19 This guy has no idea.

Speaker 15 He can't catch a a book.

Speaker 5 It went over his shoulder.

Speaker 83 He just stood there while it just floated by him.

Speaker 35 Oh, Heidi brings life back to the show.

Speaker 5 Like one of those resuscitator things that you have to zap.

Speaker 65 Clear.

Speaker 198 Clear.

Speaker 11 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull.

Speaker 29 We know him. Funny man.

Speaker 62 This is the long-awaited return of Ike Rafferty, everybody.

Speaker 34 Ike Rafferty.

Speaker 7 Tyler Perry

Speaker 194 just got the rights to remake Schindler's list.

Speaker 136 Yeah, the original was in black and white. This one's just going to be in black.

Speaker 136 They're going to go with the tagline, you thought Ashy Elbows was bad.

Speaker 136 And instead of one movie, it's a whole Medea franchise:

Speaker 58 Diary of a Mad Black Nazi, The Mammy in the Striped Moo Moo,

Speaker 136 Medea's Big Fat Holocaust,

Speaker 170 sorry, heller

Speaker 170 cost.

Speaker 136 I know you ain't putting me in the back of this train car.

Speaker 16 Hell yeah. Ike Rafferty.

Speaker 153 An unbelievable premise.

Speaker 62 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 31 If that movie came out, I would love to see it.

Speaker 97 Unbelievable glasses.

Speaker 181 Thank you, Ike. You know what?

Speaker 74 I think you're the best performer of the night so far.

Speaker 48 Flattery will get you everywhere.

Speaker 37 Flattering and fattering.

Speaker 5 I called into that one.

Speaker 145 Amazing. Is that really true?

Speaker 144 Tyler Perry didn't get Schindler's list.

Speaker 94 It's a great presentation.

Speaker 51 It was right after the show. No.

Speaker 40 No, it's not. Okay, there you go.

Speaker 194 I'm sorry.

Speaker 23 I deceived you.

Speaker 175 Okay. I love apologies on the show.

Speaker 138 It's always good.

Speaker 21 Ike, how's comedy been treating you?

Speaker 54 It's been good.

Speaker 156 I moved out of my car.

Speaker 94 Wow. This is an extra homeless episode of Kill Tony tonight.

Speaker 80 No, I moved out of my car.

Speaker 121 Right.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 117 How long were you in your car for?

Speaker 194 It was about a year, Tony.

Speaker 45 What kind of car was it?

Speaker 194 A Chevy Spark, Tony.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 200 A Chevy Spark.

Speaker 150 The cars and the living situations of tonight's bucket pulls.

Speaker 73 Antonio Brown literally has more value on any finger or wrist than every bucket pull combined.

Speaker 5 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 32 Yes. That's something.

Speaker 114 Yes.

Speaker 38 Amazing.

Speaker 33 So now what is your living situation, I?

Speaker 194 I'm living in a full-blown house with my wife.

Speaker 39 Let's go. Thank you.

Speaker 33 You had a wife and a Chevy Spark?

Speaker 199 I did, yeah.

Speaker 194 She wasn't living here at the time. I moved here before her, and then she came afterwards.

Speaker 27 That's great.

Speaker 171 Wow. Congratulations.

Speaker 189 What does she do for a living?

Speaker 194 She works in HR.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 24 How do you make your money?

Speaker 120 I work at Red Bands Comedy Club.

Speaker 10 Whoa, Red Bands Comedy Club.

Speaker 199 I have a server at the Sunset Strip.

Speaker 46 How many people work for you that sleep in their cars, Red Band?

Speaker 43 One less now.

Speaker 168 Yeah, one less.

Speaker 195 Wow.

Speaker 73 And

Speaker 181 take us through your writing process of that Tyler Perry Schindler's List joke.

Speaker 69 Did you think about perhaps adding in the fact that they put 8 million chickens in the ovens?

Speaker 83 I would.

Speaker 194 I think that number is debatable, Tony.

Speaker 123 I would.

Speaker 169 It would be the best part of the joke.

Speaker 86 If Michael didn't do that stupid drum hit thing afterwards, it would have eventually gained momentum in the room.

Speaker 33 I know these things.

Speaker 151 I study everything.

Speaker 144 Ike, you kind of look like you're losing your mind.

Speaker 74 Before you had facial hair, a little bit of color to you.

Speaker 184 Is living under a roof affecting you in a negative way, perhaps?

Speaker 99 You don't quite have the spark that you used to have.

Speaker 194 I'm getting considerably less sun these days. Inside a lot.
Not seeing the daylight. This is the most I've been outside of my house.

Speaker 5 This is pretty exciting.

Speaker 54 Still no daylight, though. Wow.

Speaker 91 What's something crazy we should know about you, Ike, that you've never told us before?

Speaker 78 Oh, wow.

Speaker 31 Does anybody tell the Bucket Pulls what the show is before they come out here?

Speaker 48 I mean, this is absolutely incredible. This is call her daddy, right?

Speaker 172 Okay.

Speaker 186 Okey-doky.

Speaker 69 So, how about that answer to the question from a minute ago?

Speaker 192 I was hit a lot as a child.

Speaker 39 Not enough.

Speaker 3 Is that true?

Speaker 194 I feel like I'm looking at my stepdad again.

Speaker 162 You make me miss New York, dude.

Speaker 160 Because you look like a pizza maker.

Speaker 125 You know what I mean?

Speaker 160 You look like the guy at like 2.30 in the morning when you're blacked out with your friends.

Speaker 6 And you go, what do you want, pal, huh?

Speaker 197 What do you want?

Speaker 7 Pepperoni?

Speaker 87 How many?

Speaker 32 How many? Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Speaker 161 How many?

Speaker 160 That's you.

Speaker 113 There's flour dusted all over your fucking fat man jeans.

Speaker 113 You're wearing white shoes because you want to protect the black ones.

Speaker 113 It's a racial thing.

Speaker 7 I support you.

Speaker 160 I wish you the best with you and your wife.

Speaker 180 Papa, thank you.

Speaker 80 You're welcome.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 199 This was very cathartic.

Speaker 67 You are an interesting psychological case.

Speaker 74 It does seem like things have slowed up a bit with you.

Speaker 93 Kind of just like in your life.

Speaker 84 Are you like tired today?

Speaker 39 No.

Speaker 74 Are you on medicine perhaps?

Speaker 136 No, I'm unmedicated.

Speaker 23 I've actually been going through Adderall withdrawals, so that might be.

Speaker 170 Oh, wow.

Speaker 27 So who would have guessed?

Speaker 38 The thing that gives gives you energy and pep, you were on before.

Speaker 179 Yes. And now you're not.

Speaker 152 Wow.

Speaker 189 It almost seems like that's the exact answer that I was looking for this entire time.

Speaker 73 Holy shit.

Speaker 5 That's incredible.

Speaker 181 I had no idea you were on Adderall.

Speaker 24 Normally fat people aren't on Adderall.

Speaker 96 It's the whole thing.

Speaker 75 So when did you stop taking Adderall?

Speaker 194 Back in December. There was a shortage.

Speaker 125 Uh-huh.

Speaker 29 And so you went cold turkey.

Speaker 74 Cold turkey. And you also went.
went. Cold ham.

Speaker 138 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 73 Is it really true

Speaker 48 that you're

Speaker 91 true that you were beaten as a kid?

Speaker 172 I was, yes. Wow.

Speaker 4 That is so interesting to me.

Speaker 68 Are you still in communication with your parents at all?

Speaker 46 With the beaters?

Speaker 43 Not with the beater, no.

Speaker 23 Okay. No.

Speaker 44 But you think it affected you, perhaps, in life in some way?

Speaker 23 Probably psychologically.

Speaker 100 Okay, this is perfect because we have a very special guest here tonight at the Comedy Mothership and here

Speaker 89 to give a little psychoanalysis.

Speaker 58 I was hoping I was going to get an opportunity to use him tonight.

Speaker 38 Ladies and gentlemen, joining us just for a quick pop-in, make some noise for one of the most brilliant minds in the world.

Speaker 17 This is the one and only Jordan Peterson, everybody.

Speaker 121 Wow.

Speaker 14 Live in the flesh.

Speaker 15 One of the great, brilliant, beautiful minds, the great and powerful Jordan Peterson.

Speaker 145 Jordan,

Speaker 74 sweet little Ike, sweet little Ike is going through Adderall withdrawals.

Speaker 139 He was...

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 72 You have?

Speaker 105 Interesting.

Speaker 70 We have...

Speaker 89 Can you help this guy?

Speaker 144 Can you tell him something or ask him some questions?

Speaker 145 Or what would you do to make him feel better through this process?

Speaker 130 What would you ask him or say or do or some advice for him or something?

Speaker 128 Oh, I'd get him off the stage and away from you mean bastards right away.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 17 He signed up for it, Jordan.

Speaker 80 He signed up for it.

Speaker 203 I've been watching all of you, eh?

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 128 And

Speaker 128 he's saner than any of you folk.

Speaker 6 And he's a lot saner than most of you.

Speaker 121 So

Speaker 160 just a casual observation.

Speaker 5 I'm happy to be here.

Speaker 83 With that said, you are a genius.

Speaker 91 Do you have any advice for someone that is going through Adderall withdrawals or something like that?

Speaker 203 There's almost nothing that 40 ounces awry won't fix.

Speaker 90 That's beautiful.

Speaker 131 I love that.

Speaker 18 I didn't realize you were Italian, Jordan Peterson.

Speaker 100 That is the answer to

Speaker 5 a lot of questions.

Speaker 27 Yeah, well,

Speaker 147 what's Homer Simpson say? Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 48 I never would have guessed that Jordan Peterson would be quoting Homer Simpson

Speaker 85 up here. Only in the Kiltoni universe do you see something like that.

Speaker 113 Look at me sandwiching between these two dudes.

Speaker 111 It's fucking nuts.

Speaker 88 It's Neapolitan.

Speaker 22 That's what's going on here.

Speaker 5 Neapolitan.

Speaker 161 We're going to work out. Look at me now.

Speaker 83 We got chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla.

Speaker 43 Who doesn't love a little?

Speaker 203 We clearly share a fashion sense.

Speaker 18 Antonio Brown iced out.

Speaker 164 Chocolate swirl.

Speaker 200 He talks like he tweets.

Speaker 17 I'm so like starstruck.

Speaker 100 It's...

Speaker 48 Unbelievable.

Speaker 5 I fucking love it.

Speaker 128 I'd also congratulate our comedian here for his bravery

Speaker 147 or his masochism.

Speaker 80 I'm not sure which.

Speaker 203 Might be a fetish, but it might be humor.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 105 It is risky business.

Speaker 93 It is Russian roulette here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 58 You never know what kind of mood we're all in.

Speaker 181 The panel, the set, and then the interview.

Speaker 58 You know, it's always a different episode.

Speaker 25 It's always a different vibe.

Speaker 91 I mean, who would have guessed that we'd have Antonio Brown and Jordan Peterson on any of the same show ever in the history of all of entertainment?

Speaker 83 This is two absolute opposite sides of the spectrum.

Speaker 155 I'm happy to be hosting here.

Speaker 3 Jordan Peterson is the founder of the Peterson Academy. So for anybody out there, just know that you can go to PetersonAcademy.com and it recently went from $5.99 a year to $3.99 a year.

Speaker 200 This is true, Jordan?

Speaker 204 Yeah, well...

Speaker 128 You all could be a lot better than you are.

Speaker 113 So that's a cheap way to start and effective too.

Speaker 25 I want that on a t-shirt.

Speaker 120 Peterson Academy, you all can be a lot better than you are.

Speaker 36 Let's make some merch.

Speaker 18 Get it at PetersonAcademy.com.

Speaker 10 $599.

Speaker 91 Now it's $3.99 a year.

Speaker 131 Make your life better. Be a better human.

Speaker 17 Make some noise for the great and powerful Jordan Peterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 196 Good to see you all.

Speaker 188 Ike, you already have a big joke book? I do.

Speaker 153 Ike Rafferty, everybody.

Speaker 10 We're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 205 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 187 I lit the fuse, and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 78 He's going the distance.

Speaker 206 He was the highest-paid TV star of all time. When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 55 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 207 Now, Charlie's sober.

Speaker 205 He's gonna tell you the truth.

Speaker 187 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 191 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 187 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 78 Somebody call action.

Speaker 207 AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 191 Hello, Nigel here.

Speaker 53 As an owl, I love to be awake all night, but allergy sufferers like you probably don't feel the same. So take Zyzole at night to relieve allergies while you sleep.

Speaker 53 Then wake up fully refreshed for a more productive day. Zizole works fast and offers 24-hour continuous relief from sneezing, runny nose, itchy watery eyes, and itchy nose and throat.

Speaker 53 So you can enjoy doing the things you love all day long. Be wise all.
Take Zyzole at night. Users directed starts working in 45 minutes.

Speaker 14 It's time for another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 19 Your next comedian won his gold.

Speaker 18 He is the newest golden ticket winner in the history of the show.

Speaker 103 This is only his third ever appearance.

Speaker 30 I love this fucking guy.

Speaker 181 I'm so excited to see another minute from the one and only, the brand newest golden ticket winner.

Speaker 21 This is Kansei Yasuda.

Speaker 204 Hi guys.

Speaker 204 I don't like when people in North America say,

Speaker 81 hey yo, respect,

Speaker 204 instead of saying bye,

Speaker 204 because in Japan we take respect to a whole nother level.

Speaker 204 Like for example, I'm 28 years old. Make some noise if you're younger than than 28 years old.

Speaker 204 Nice.

Speaker 204 So you guys mean nothing to me.

Speaker 204 In Japan, we ask ages all the time because we have to decide what kind of relationship we're going to have going forward.

Speaker 204 Like, are you going to be my daddy or are you gonna be my bitch?

Speaker 82 That's why,

Speaker 204 that's why, you know, because in North America, it's not good to ask ages. So, that's why I have no choice but guess people's ages by how they look,

Speaker 204 and that's why I respect so many white people

Speaker 204 because you guys, you guys age like a banana in hot summer.

Speaker 204 Thank you very much.

Speaker 80 Thank you Kanse

Speaker 169 with a brand new minute 30 seconds.

Speaker 34 Welcome back Kansei.

Speaker 204 Thank you very much Donnie.

Speaker 89 I love your style an unbelievably soft crisp delivery.

Speaker 40 Yes.

Speaker 96 One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show.

Speaker 89 You and Hans Kim, the Asian staples of the show, I don't know what it is with Asian people.

Speaker 139 They are the best people to interview in the history of the show.

Speaker 179 Why do you think that is?

Speaker 54 Because

Speaker 78 I am a

Speaker 78 good

Speaker 204 person

Speaker 204 to

Speaker 204 have a conversation with

Speaker 78 because

Speaker 208 I am

Speaker 204 I have a good parent

Speaker 209 and

Speaker 204 Zen

Speaker 9 absolutely that makes perfect sense

Speaker 149 Kansei Yasuda so you live in Toronto, Canada, correct?

Speaker 139 Yes.

Speaker 58 And you mostly hang out at a ramen place where your girlfriend works.

Speaker 4 Is that correct?

Speaker 37 Every day.

Speaker 91 Every day he sits at the ramen place and you eat ramen.

Speaker 94 That is correct.

Speaker 58 And you hang out with your girlfriend, who's a waitress there.

Speaker 70 Yes.

Speaker 171 You don't work at the ramen place, but you are probably a very popular patron there.

Speaker 137 Yes, every day.

Speaker 189 Did we shout out the ramen place, the name of it last time you were on?

Speaker 204 Oh, no, not yet, not yet.

Speaker 167 And do you think it'll help business there?

Speaker 169 Yes. Do you want to help business there?

Speaker 91 Yes.

Speaker 58 What's the name of the ramen place in Toronto, Canada?

Speaker 32 Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 5 Wow, okay.

Speaker 136 Do it again.

Speaker 186 Since you pointed so aggressively at the camera, can we do a thing where you zoom in real hard or something like that?

Speaker 95 Can we do a thing?

Speaker 8 Do it again. I didn't know where the camera was, dude.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I didn't know you were there.

Speaker 67 It's a fucking ninja.

Speaker 142 He knows where everything in the room is right now.

Speaker 162 Focus, dude.

Speaker 113 Raised your focus, these chaps. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Eyes on everybody.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 22 When he's not on stage, he wears a helmet from CrashOutBuckets.com.

Speaker 151 Okay, let's do it one more time.

Speaker 74 The Ramen Place and our great, great camera woman slash extremely amazing producer, Christy, is going to do some kind of special zoom-in, hopefully, on this.

Speaker 58 So I ask you again, what is the name of the ramen place?

Speaker 6 Dude, it's a hit.

Speaker 123 I hope we can do some...

Speaker 2 I hope we do some cool trickery there and make that part extra special.

Speaker 122 Tondo Ramen, has it been in business a while?

Speaker 204 10 years. Wow.
It just hit the 10-year anniversary, I think.

Speaker 135 How do you spell it?

Speaker 81 T-O-N-D-O-N.

Speaker 188 Yep, that's what I would have guessed.

Speaker 11 Red Band's the only person in the world that would have a problem finding that.

Speaker 69 I actually

Speaker 78 go up to the number one.

Speaker 184 Is it called Ryuku Shinmin Tondo Ramen?

Speaker 159 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 39 Oh,

Speaker 151 yes, that would be a whole different place.

Speaker 85 Why don't I ask you again and you do the point thing and you say the actual name?

Speaker 110 It's called Jojo's Cheesesteaks and Ramen.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 113 You'll find it. This is somewhere.

Speaker 93 So what is the name of this ramen place in Toronto, Canada?

Speaker 39 Ryuku Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 48 Wait, wait, wait. We still have the wrong place, we think.

Speaker 86 Because this one that we found that's popular on Yelp is called Ryuku Shinmin Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 73 Ryuku Shinmin?

Speaker 11 What's the address there? Give me the address.

Speaker 77 Is it on College Street?

Speaker 26 Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 85 So, again, you have no idea the ramen place that you sit at every single fucking day.

Speaker 39 Your girlfriend better be hot as fuck.

Speaker 158 She better be so hot.

Speaker 151 Yeah, she better be so hot that you have to let it sit and blow on it for 10 minutes

Speaker 22 before you can eat it.

Speaker 114 A pizza hot tanto.

Speaker 5 Again, again,

Speaker 32 so stressful.

Speaker 178 So stressful.

Speaker 157 She's going to break out with her and this place is going to explode.

Speaker 37 Okay, let's try it again.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 39 Again, it's Ryuku Shinmin Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 82 Are you ready?

Speaker 151 Can I ask you, my good friend, Hanse Yasuda, what is the name of this ramen place in Toronto?

Speaker 170 Ryukyu Shinmin Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 80 Wow, absolutely incredible.

Speaker 14 And now, let's read some fucking Yelp reviews. This is one of my favorite things to do.
It's a new segment on the show.

Speaker 17 We go straight to the one stars and we start there.

Speaker 103 You can learn a lot about a restaurant by going directly to the one star reviews.

Speaker 32 Please, Tony.

Speaker 23 And here.

Speaker 78 Please.

Speaker 69 Please.

Speaker 19 No, this place is going to be packed.

Speaker 165 We've done this before. There was a guy in San Diego.

Speaker 66 What was it? Like a...

Speaker 66 It was a

Speaker 26 hookah. A

Speaker 32 hookah and restaurant.

Speaker 25 And literally the guy's like, Tony, you changed our fucking lives.

Speaker 93 They're literally making like a million dollars a month.

Speaker 120 There's a pizza place now with a Kill Tony pizza in New York or something like that.

Speaker 73 Well, that's a whole different fucking thing that has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

Speaker 34 No, it's a human.

Speaker 46 Okay.

Speaker 26 All right, here we go.

Speaker 110 Dude, if you did a Portnoy review for only Asian restaurants, that would be so fucking funny.

Speaker 100 Oh, it's amazing.

Speaker 200 It's only Asian.

Speaker 86 Oh, well, we do them all.

Speaker 23 We do them all. We're equal opportunity here.

Speaker 120 A lot of.

Speaker 162 I thought that was going to be fucking interesting.

Speaker 122 Now, your girlfriend...

Speaker 110 She's still Japanese.

Speaker 197 You understand?

Speaker 147 Alright, sorry, Tom. Okay.

Speaker 17 Now, your girlfriend works as a waitress.

Speaker 46 She does the whole place.

Speaker 11 There's a patio there, too, right?

Speaker 58 This patio there, too. And she's a waitress of the whole place.

Speaker 37 Yes. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 96 Your first one-star review of Ryuku Shinmin.

Speaker 108 Tondo Rama.

Speaker 23 Tondo in the past.

Speaker 2 This is from Mitchell L.

Speaker 96 This has 221 likes, 133 stars.

Speaker 142 It's a one-star review from over four years ago.

Speaker 93 You're not going to be able to read it from there.

Speaker 36 Not with those eyes, Kanse.

Speaker 86 And here we go.

Speaker 132 Tondo in the past has been all right, but quality of service

Speaker 66 with patio dining has severely deteriorated during COVID.

Speaker 73 Well, that was during COVID. You know what?

Speaker 135 We'll skip that one. Thank you.

Speaker 138 One-star review over six years ago from Bradley J.

Speaker 74 This is the second time we've been here, and the food is pretty good.

Speaker 171 The show you is delicious, but the dot dot dot late night service isn't the greatest.

Speaker 73 And there was a karaoke party?

Speaker 135 Three question marks?

Speaker 37 On a Friday night two question marks?

Speaker 200 In the back three question marks?

Speaker 39 It was like an awful, awful private concert that literally no one wanted.

Speaker 101 I hope they had a real great birthday, but the volume could have been turned down by about 100%.

Speaker 165 No one needs to hear a grown man singing Fergie.

Speaker 27 That's literally the whole review.

Speaker 200 Do they sometimes do karaoke in the back?

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 204 I enjoy it.

Speaker 110 Karaoke at a Japanese restaurant is just fucking dessert, dude.

Speaker 160 Until the end every night. All right.

Speaker 42 They do love karaoke.

Speaker 89 Do you do karaoke sometimes?

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 75 What is your go-to karaoke song?

Speaker 204 It's in Japanese.

Speaker 33 Okay, can you give it do us do a little a cappella?

Speaker 106 A cappella.

Speaker 93 Here, give them the right lighting, Kino.

Speaker 177 This is Kansei Yasuda.

Speaker 204 Natsu no ovari

Speaker 204 Natsuno

Speaker 208 ni wa tada nata

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 11 Gerald W. left a review.

Speaker 15 He's considered an elite Yelp reviewer.

Speaker 28 He has a special red banner next to his name.

Speaker 154 I went to Little Italy for a street festival I walked by this Tondo Ramen place They were selling yako soba on the yaki soba on the street for ten dollars I ordered one but was surprised that the box they put it in was not filled to the top

Speaker 137 the portion was so small

Speaker 150 The taste was pretty decent, but it was not worth it.

Speaker 27 Also, I thought that the cook has to wear a hair net or hat while cooking.

Speaker 3 This one wasn't.

Speaker 135 Probably won't come back.

Speaker 144 Okay, go back to the fucking thing.

Speaker 207 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 138 Some more one-star reviews. I'm going to find us a good one here.

Speaker 104 Pipes up.

Speaker 28 Mila N says, came here on a Saturday night with my friend.

Speaker 93 There was a line outside, outside, but when we entered the restaurant, we got seated right away in the corner.

Speaker 25 I guess the line was for takeout.

Speaker 46 We waited about 10 minutes to be served water.

Speaker 71 And before our order was taken, we had ordered five pieces of gyoza and two regular-sized ramen bowls.

Speaker 3 Our gyoza took about 10 to 15 minutes, and it was good.

Speaker 108 But wish it was more crispier.

Speaker 31 We waited another 30 minutes, wondering why it was taking so long.

Speaker 46 I had even noticed all the tables around us, even the people who got seated after us, got both of their bowls of ramen before us.

Speaker 68 My friend then asked the server if our ramen was on its way.

Speaker 76 It turns out they forgot to put it in.

Speaker 96 Shortly after, our two bowls came.

Speaker 24 The ramen was good.

Speaker 2 Not too salty.

Speaker 39 But the wait isn't worth it.

Speaker 91 Go somewhere else unless you want to wait an hour for a bowl of ramen.

Speaker 32 It's worth it.

Speaker 48 Does that happen a lot there?

Speaker 204 I believe not.

Speaker 37 I don't know. It's...

Speaker 204 Maybe sometimes, sometimes.

Speaker 91 Your girlfriend, she's Asian as well, correct?

Speaker 25 Yes. What kind of Asian is she?

Speaker 204 Half Filipino, half Japanese.

Speaker 30 Uh-huh. And what kind of Asian are you?

Speaker 204 Half Korean, half Japanese.

Speaker 78 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 58 When you guys disagree about something, what is it usually about? What do you and your girlfriend chemistry-wise?

Speaker 204 Disagree?

Speaker 138 Is it what?

Speaker 204 One second. Disagree.

Speaker 5 Disagree. Disagree.

Speaker 204 Disagree.

Speaker 54 She works at the

Speaker 204 because she's Filipino, so she works a lot.

Speaker 204 So she works all day in Toronto

Speaker 204 in Tondo Ramen. And then I'm like, I have no job.
So

Speaker 8 I have to wait for her.

Speaker 5 So that's that's hard for me.

Speaker 173 Wow.

Speaker 25 How did it feel that hug from Tommy just then?

Speaker 78 Warm.

Speaker 67 Kansei Yasuda.

Speaker 71 Should we read one more one-star review?

Speaker 26 One more five, sally?

Speaker 163 After coming back from Las Vegas, Lena D,

Speaker 149 only three years ago, after coming back from Las Vegas, I was really craving for ramen.

Speaker 75 I stumbled upon this place

Speaker 91 and found there was a vegan ramen for $23.

Speaker 75 I was stoked when I seen this on their menu, and it must be good.

Speaker 68 It was the most expensive ramen bowl on the menu.

Speaker 3 Is this true?

Speaker 58 The vegetarian one is the most expensive?

Speaker 104 I never...

Speaker 204 eat vegetarian ramen, but maybe no, I don't think so.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 51 Very good.

Speaker 151 My expectations were really high.

Speaker 91 I also ordered the curry chicken cat soup for my friend to cure her hangover that day.

Speaker 171 Wow, these people are real pieces of shit.

Speaker 69 The food arrived in time, and I hurried to open it to eat.

Speaker 103 I was surprised by the size of the ramen bowl.

Speaker 144 This seems to be a common thread.

Speaker 69 It was all capital letters, tiny.

Speaker 103 So I thought the tiny bowl was stuffed with ramen and toppings.

Speaker 74 Wrong!

Speaker 100 Exclamation point, all capital letters.

Speaker 174 The toppings were separated from the ramen with a top lid to separate the ramen noodles from the ingredients.

Speaker 108 There were instructions to heat up the soup, then pour into the noodles and loosen the noodles up since they were stuck together.

Speaker 99 There was a very small portion of noodles, which made me question if this was even going to get me full for the day.

Speaker 46 Wow, this piece of shit thought they were going to get one meal for the day.

Speaker 5 This is incredible.

Speaker 83 These one-star reviews are the greatest advertisements for restaurants ever.

Speaker 107 No.

Speaker 26 People are like, I was hungover and I just needed one meal to get me through the entire fucking day and one star this place.

Speaker 32 Anyway.

Speaker 69 There were barely any toppings either.

Speaker 123 There was more soup than noodles.

Speaker 34 Yeah, well, that would fucking make sense.

Speaker 5 That would be crazy if the noodles were above the broth.

Speaker 40 It's certainly not worth $23.

Speaker 66 It was more like a snack.

Speaker 38 On top of that, my friend's curry chicken katsu was raw.

Speaker 74 Yes, the chicken was raw.

Speaker 73 My dog can't even eat this.

Speaker 91 I am shocked that the kitchen even allowed this kind of quality to be delivered.

Speaker 41 I was still hungry after my tiny bowl of $23 ramen and my hungover friend had to recook her chicken.

Speaker 21 This is probably the worst ordering experience I've ever had.

Speaker 25 Fortunately, we got a full refund for our entire order.

Speaker 36 Why, they should reprice their menu or change the portion size to justify selling ramen at $23.

Speaker 43 I'm never eating there again, period.

Speaker 204 It's a lie.

Speaker 56 That's a...

Speaker 4 That's a lie.

Speaker 204 It's a different ramen company attacking Rikutono ramen.

Speaker 72 Redband's showing me a picture. He's saying it's...

Speaker 186 I would complain about that.

Speaker 23 It's not raw.

Speaker 27 That's just a little pink.

Speaker 185 Our senior health correspondent, Brian Redband, says that it's not raw.

Speaker 45 Let's go to our senior chicken correspondent, Antonio Brown.

Speaker 5 Let's see.

Speaker 163 You are the chicken specialist of the show.

Speaker 96 Would you eat this, Antonio?

Speaker 63 I mean, look at that middle there.

Speaker 48 What do you think?

Speaker 54 That's a little pink, right?

Speaker 1 Man, I fuck that.

Speaker 87 I dip all my dick in that.

Speaker 196 Balls and everything.

Speaker 162 I just fuck that chick.

Speaker 54 Chick comes to me, a little pink, I fuck it.

Speaker 20 You understand?

Speaker 5 Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Speaker 184 The verdict is in.

Speaker 103 Antonio Brown would fuck it.

Speaker 88 Kansei Yasuda.

Speaker 28 And without a doubt, let us mention that there are,

Speaker 2 it sits at a 4.1.

Speaker 11 It is a very highly reviewed restaurant.

Speaker 14 Check out Ryukyu Shinmintondo Ramen on College Street in Toronto.

Speaker 101 If you live in Toronto, you will be supporting Kancei Yasuda.

Speaker 118 The only

Speaker 47 Asian, Canadian, Japanese, Korean combination.

Speaker 34 It's a combination. Dish.

Speaker 13 Dish.

Speaker 34 A24 combination.

Speaker 46 I love the kansei yasuda.

Speaker 28 There he goes. Kansei Yasudo, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 29 We're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 20 You guys having a good time?

Speaker 85 Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, for your next comedian.

Speaker 93 Goes by the name

Speaker 22 of Busco Jones, everyone.

Speaker 188 Make some noise for Busco Jones.

Speaker 138 One more time for Busco Jones.

Speaker 147 So they say if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life.

Speaker 210 So I smoke weed every single day.

Speaker 210 Right, thank you. A couple claps.

Speaker 147 But hey, I do wish I would have been a cokehead, to be quite honest. At least for a little bit.

Speaker 147 Because I would have got what like social media calls into higher value rooms with higher value people, like for better networking skills, would have done great for me.

Speaker 147 They say you can't make a hoe a housewife.

Speaker 147 Right, which may be true. Real fucking easy to make one a co-parent, I'll tell you that much.

Speaker 159 Right now.

Speaker 147 And if you're an A-B, a single parent, you know?

Speaker 147 I'm not saying the mother of my first child's a hoe.

Speaker 147 I'm just saying that she was pregnant the first night we got together.

Speaker 147 And we were both in our 20s, so we were both hoes.

Speaker 210 I've been Busco Jones. Thanks for your time.

Speaker 76 Busco.

Speaker 188 You go by Busco or Busco?

Speaker 94 Busco. Busco.

Speaker 169 Okay, Buscoat.

Speaker 41 So the girl that you had sex with was pregnant already?

Speaker 5 No, no, it's mine.

Speaker 43 It's mine.

Speaker 147 It was, but the timing, it was like the first or second week of us

Speaker 104 hooking up.

Speaker 58 So it was very fast.

Speaker 147 Yeah, we got in there and got hooked up pretty quick.

Speaker 91 Were you coming inside of her?

Speaker 147 I mean, that's how that tends to to work, yes, sir.

Speaker 91 Well, you mean, like, were you finishing your entire load inside of her and then she got pregnant immediately?

Speaker 147 I got chappelled. You know what I mean? When they whisper in your ear, and I was young and dumb.

Speaker 213 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 147 She said, she said, told me where to come. She said, come inside me.

Speaker 78 And I just, well, that happened. Okay.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 189 All right. Why is that called being Chappelled?

Speaker 170 He had a bit about it.

Speaker 27 All right. Tell me where to come.
Give us a little home.

Speaker 130 Your answers come with a homework assignment.

Speaker 105 Yes.

Speaker 32 Sorry about that. Sorry about that.

Speaker 174 it's okay you somehow you're already the best interview of the night

Speaker 135 so boost go let's talk about it how long you been on stand-up uh roughly about 10 years now 10 fucking years where at exactly uh mainly dallas dallas okay what do you do for a living oh wow there's white trash here

Speaker 149 east texas i'm a real estate broker real estate broker really my god i mean everybody here tonight every bucket pool has fucking pizza chef energies.

Speaker 43 Meanwhile, here you are.

Speaker 32 I moonlight at a pizza shop, actually.

Speaker 104 You what?

Speaker 147 I moonlight at a pizza shop every small as well.

Speaker 179 What do you mean you moonlight at a pizza?

Speaker 31 Explain exactly what that means.

Speaker 147 Basically, there's a small place in East Dallas that I used to work at when my daughter was born. And it's a small place.
They need help sometimes, so I'll go in and manage for them.

Speaker 58 You manage at a pizza place.

Speaker 189 What's the name of the pizza place?

Speaker 196 Scalini's.

Speaker 151 Scalini's Pizza.

Speaker 117 Can you spell it for us?

Speaker 117 Nice and slow.

Speaker 23 You're shocked at the tech genius red bands typing.

Speaker 32 S-C-A-L-I.

Speaker 3 S-C-A-L-I.

Speaker 147 N-I-S.

Speaker 133 N-I-S.

Speaker 147 You're going to have to go to Google or Yelp.

Speaker 56 Yeah, it's on Yelp.

Speaker 175 Dallas.

Speaker 3 Scalini's.

Speaker 41 S-C-A-L-I-N.

Speaker 137 Okay, we got it.

Speaker 67 And this is located on

Speaker 104 Abrams Road.

Speaker 137 Abrams Road. Okay, we got it.

Speaker 142 And you only work at nighttime?

Speaker 147 Yes, and sometimes a Monday morning shift.

Speaker 58 Okay, what do you do on the Monday morning shift?

Speaker 39 I take care of the whole fucking front of house.

Speaker 23 Do everything. Everything.

Speaker 150 This is one-star reviews of Scalini's in the palace.

Speaker 58 Four months ago, you were working there four months ago, right?

Speaker 130 Absolutely. That's an easy question.

Speaker 91 I've been going to Scalini's since the 90s.

Speaker 93 Tonight, I was verbally insulted by the female that handed me my to-go order when I called to complain that my order was wrong.

Speaker 45 Do you know the female that maybe has an attitude there?

Speaker 211 Yeah, I know that one.

Speaker 108 I remember that night.

Speaker 167 And you've seen her like yell at people before?

Speaker 147 Oh, she's no longer with us, but yeah, she's.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 136 And she came in a wig.

Speaker 39 She was.

Speaker 147 Yeah, she's no longer there, but yeah.

Speaker 39 I know.

Speaker 69 Okay, so she got fired?

Speaker 147 I don't know if she fired. Some people like fire quit there.

Speaker 5 It's a weird, it's a small place.

Speaker 154 Here's one from Shannon one year ago.

Speaker 61 The pizza was just okay, but more importantly, the female was extremely rude.

Speaker 68 I fell victim to a scam online to a website identified as Scalini's, and the manager continued to press me about the payment while I showed her the withdrawal from my bank account.

Speaker 41 Thank goodness for online banking, it says, and stated that I was confused regarding payment.

Speaker 75 That was until a bar patron eating her pizza overheard the conversation and helped by interceding in the conversation thanks to her.

Speaker 144 It's not the first time, but

Speaker 23 okay, yep, that's a lot of typing.

Speaker 41 Let's get to the final line.

Speaker 135 Will not return.

Speaker 64 And I will spread the news due to the condescending attitudes there.

Speaker 172 That's plural.

Speaker 147 You know, I mean, it's a...

Speaker 144 Do you ever talk directly to the customers?

Speaker 211 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 47 Do you think you have a little bit of an attitude sometimes?

Speaker 147 I'm pretty good, actually.

Speaker 147 I'm pretty decent.

Speaker 147 I have a few on there, but nothing.

Speaker 38 The female, was her name RJ?

Speaker 147 That's RJ's me, actually.

Speaker 108 Perfect.

Speaker 183 Well, I got one for you Leslie L one year ago rude asshole manager RJ

Speaker 27 That is the first line of this one-star review.

Speaker 179 Let me read it again

Speaker 38 rude asshole manager RJ to this 30-year customer told me I abused a fellow child customer

Speaker 150 Fellow child customer would mean that this is a child leaving a one-star review.

Speaker 130 That's crazy.

Speaker 122 Do you already know what happened here?

Speaker 147 I know exactly that idea.

Speaker 26 Well, let's just wait.

Speaker 63 I'm going to read the review and then we're going to get your response to this.

Speaker 103 Let me read that second line again.

Speaker 71 Told me I abused a fellow child customer.

Speaker 132 I did no such thing and know her name and age and she and her parents and I all bonded.

Speaker 21 He said servers didn't feel comfortable serving me a third glass of wine.

Speaker 38 I was so confused since I was not drunk or obnoxious.

Speaker 71 When I went to the the counter to ask him about it, my server said there was no problem whatsoever, but he accused me of abusing a customer.

Speaker 76 I was floored. I had no idea what he was talking about.

Speaker 46 The tiny kid and her parents and I bonded.

Speaker 202 When I questioned RJ, you're RJ,

Speaker 179 when I questioned RJ because I didn't understand, he picked up the phone and called the cops or pretended to.

Speaker 99 I was so pissed that I told him to stick my leftovers up his fat ass.

Speaker 91 I did absolutely nothing wrong, but he treated me like shit.

Speaker 25 I'm furious because I was treated unfairly.

Speaker 150 RJ is an ass.

Speaker 45 So, break it down for us.

Speaker 83 Tell us what happened here, RJ.

Speaker 147 Okay, so number one, it's a very small restaurant, about 20 tables. It was a Friday night.
Right in the front row, you got two six tops, two six tops, but there are four tops and a two top.

Speaker 147 So sometimes it's a small family and like a single lady. Lady was sitting there.
This is like a rich East Dallas neighborhood, professional drunks. So like people are sauced 24/7.

Speaker 147 So, sometimes you know, sometimes you don't. She was two glasses in deep.

Speaker 147 My server came over, who was basically a teenager, a little bit 18, and she's like, I don't feel comfortable, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 97 I need to go cut her off.

Speaker 147 I went to cut her off. And at the end of the day, she was meowing with the kids.

Speaker 32 She was noticing that.

Speaker 147 She was meowing at the children.

Speaker 7 Like a cat? Like a cat.

Speaker 8 What's wrong with that?

Speaker 39 Okay, Red Ben.

Speaker 25 No, keep going. Stick with it.

Speaker 100 Stay in the pocket here.

Speaker 147 Notice in the use of the word bonded twice.

Speaker 147 She was a very creepy old lady. She was creeping out the four top.
She was almost, she was definitely hammered.

Speaker 147 And I asked her to leave multiple times after explaining things before I picked up the phone and acted like I was going to call the cops.

Speaker 75 You did a pretend phone call to the police.

Speaker 35 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 49 And what do you say on these pretend phone calls?

Speaker 102 Can you, can we, can we get it?

Speaker 147 It was a white woman. Like as soon as I did it, she basically just flee.

Speaker 104 Like she's right.

Speaker 147 she knew she was drunk.

Speaker 211 She knew

Speaker 147 she wasn't sober.

Speaker 58 Antonio, what do you think about this situation?

Speaker 78 This is hilarious.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 119 This is absolutely hilarious.

Speaker 39 I agree.

Speaker 111 Completely.

Speaker 74 So let me ask you this.

Speaker 178 Busco?

Speaker 96 Why do you go by RJ and your secret pizza job and Busco in comedy?

Speaker 147 So Busco is not my real name. RJ is my name.
I'm actually named Richard.

Speaker 5 I've gone by RJ all my life.

Speaker 147 Busco, I started for comedy just because I'm in real estate. So when people googled my name, they wouldn't find dick jokes and memes.
And I would have a chance to get their business.

Speaker 28 Do you think a lot of successful real estate agents moonlight at pizza joints?

Speaker 147 Well, I'm not your average successful real estate agent at the end of the day.

Speaker 147 And right now, a lot of real estate agents ain't doing shit, number one.

Speaker 70 But

Speaker 211 no, not at all.

Speaker 147 Honestly, I took the job with half of the fantasy that they'll sell the place to me because it needs to be sold.

Speaker 136 Bro, you got a uni brown mayo on your shirt.

Speaker 48 Do you have mayonnaise on your shirt?

Speaker 7 You're trying to

Speaker 157 shout out your real estate cool.

Speaker 210 Oh, I'm not, yeah, we're good. We'll be all right.

Speaker 147 I'm a discount realtor.

Speaker 210 I charge 1%, so I don't have to put on a suit and act like I care.

Speaker 103 Busco, tell us more about your real life.

Speaker 11 Give us a fun fact about you before I get you out of here that we will find unbelievably interesting.

Speaker 147 The nickname comes from a guy who died from being struck by lightning.

Speaker 76 See, Busco

Speaker 91 is someone that you knew.

Speaker 147 No, he, yes, he named me Busco when we were in eighth grade.

Speaker 152 Okay.

Speaker 167 And he got killed by the lightning.

Speaker 69 Yes. When did that happen?

Speaker 5 I was in ninth grade, so not too long.

Speaker 47 So he named you Busco?

Speaker 47 And then a year later, he got struck by lightning and was killed.

Speaker 114 Yes, sir.

Speaker 73 Wouldn't that be

Speaker 143 bad to go by the name that the guy is struck by lightning?

Speaker 147 Nah,

Speaker 147 it's all in good fun now. We're 20 years on.

Speaker 24 It's all in good fun.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 147 It's more of an homage to him giving me the name as a nickname. Like the last name, Jones, was his last name.
So Busco Jones.

Speaker 78 Oh, boy.

Speaker 81 Busco.

Speaker 39 There he is.

Speaker 5 Busco.

Speaker 37 Okay, Busco.

Speaker 47 Here's a little joke book. Congratulations.

Speaker 135 Whoa.

Speaker 4 This is a...

Speaker 111 Not a lot of...

Speaker 3 It's a very interesting episode.

Speaker 4 Not a lot of book catches here tonight.

Speaker 140 Okay.

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Speaker 29 Next bucket pull goes by the name One Word Name.

Speaker 64 It is

Speaker 132 just one word.

Speaker 83 Make some noise.

Speaker 93 Ladies and gentlemen, for your next comedian, he goes by the well, here he comes, everybody.

Speaker 93 His name is Will, everyone.

Speaker 30 His name is Will.

Speaker 51 What's up, guys?

Speaker 57 So there's this video I know a lot of people have seen. It's of this primitive African tribe trying Phantom for the first time.
And it's like, it's crazy.

Speaker 57 Like they're trying to like open the bottle with their teeth. You know, eventually they cut it open with a machete.
They drink the soda and it like completely changes their life.

Speaker 57 Their eyes just light up. You know, like they just completely change people from before they drink the soda and after.
Like they give some to their elders like, oh, please try this soda.

Speaker 57 This is amazing. You know, and I'm just like thinking to myself while I'm watching this video, like, this is incredible.

Speaker 57 I just, I hope they don't let them try the grape flavor because that's that's going to turn that village upside down. Yes, we no longer heard the goat animal.

Speaker 140 We grow a yellow five crop now.

Speaker 54 Yes, we worship the god of high fructose corn syrup.

Speaker 57 That shit is good, my nigga.

Speaker 32 It's like, whoa, wait a second.

Speaker 57 Where'd you guys hear that word from?

Speaker 57 Is that a side effect of the soda?

Speaker 82 All right, appreciate it, guys. All right.

Speaker 142 Will, one word name.

Speaker 15 How long have you been doing stand-up, Will?

Speaker 57 Two months.

Speaker 168 Very good.

Speaker 179 Two months.

Speaker 43 That's a great answer.

Speaker 88 A lot of the people that did just as good as you have been doing it 10 years or more here tonight.

Speaker 142 So we're happy to hear that you've only been doing it two months.

Speaker 23 Where are you from?

Speaker 57 From here.

Speaker 35 From Austin. From Austin.
Born and raised.

Speaker 49 Yes.

Speaker 167 Absolutely. How old are you?

Speaker 170 34.

Speaker 41 34.

Speaker 75 What made you want to start stand-up comedy two months ago?

Speaker 57 I hang out with a lot of comedians, so it was just kind of a smooth transition for me to just kind of like go.

Speaker 75 How did you end up hanging out with so many comedians?

Speaker 172 Drug dealer?

Speaker 78 Oh,

Speaker 54 I retired.

Speaker 176 Never

Speaker 57 touched the scene.

Speaker 155 Anyway, well, how did you end up hanging out with so many comedians?

Speaker 39 Drug dealer?

Speaker 57 No, I think just hanging out in Austin a lot. I mean, I've met a lot of guys from this scene for sure.
You know, I don't like to name drop. I know you don't like that type of shit.

Speaker 54 but yeah, I know quite a few people.

Speaker 57 Okay. So, you know,

Speaker 57 it was cool for me to do it. And it was easy.
I've been writing for a long time. So getting on stage was just something I kind of wanted to try next.

Speaker 33 Okay, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 57 I work kind of like a stagehand job at the Moody Center, just like putting together like concerts and stuff like that, lighting, audio, video.

Speaker 57 It's pretty cool. Get to meet a lot of people and stuff like that.

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 35 I just made eye contact with Antonio Brown, and I can't not laugh.

Speaker 23 I just noticed

Speaker 26 I just realized. I thought it was a...
Yeah,

Speaker 57 under the Civil War helmet, I did not know those AB.

Speaker 151 How dare you? That is not a Civil War helmet.

Speaker 18 That is a crash out bucket.

Speaker 78 I'm smack right now. Maybe.

Speaker 136 He's an anxiety release.

Speaker 78 I'm hammered.

Speaker 22 It is true. A little fun fact is I have seen only in the past.

Speaker 122 I don't know what he's been doing all day.

Speaker 91 I know he flew in today today for this.

Speaker 185 I have literally seen him drink about 12 white Russians since he arrived an hour ago.

Speaker 105 This is

Speaker 26 gearing up.

Speaker 120 Incredible.

Speaker 39 Eaton joints and Eaton Bailey.

Speaker 167 Yeah, absolutely. We like it.

Speaker 23 You're going to need that helmet later.

Speaker 5 Kill Tony. Hell yeah.

Speaker 23 We're living the dream, buddy.

Speaker 32 We are living the dream.

Speaker 106 Will,

Speaker 99 what are you into?

Speaker 202 What are some hobbies of yours?

Speaker 57 I'm pretty tall, so basketball.

Speaker 176 I know, I look like a... Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 57 NBA 2K creative player right here, obviously.

Speaker 57 That was fun for a while, but now, like, two months in, I'm trying to, like, do comedy, so that's obviously what I do most of nowadays.

Speaker 189 But you play basketball in real life?

Speaker 176 Real life, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 57 Yeah. In college, I played for a little bit.

Speaker 11 Okay, where'd you go to college?

Speaker 57 I got, like, a half-ride scholarship in California, so I was half-ride, yeah. No, they didn't believe in me for a full-ride scholarship, so they're like,

Speaker 57 We'll pay halfway, and if you do all right, then uh, we'll see how it goes, you know. So they get they took a gamble on me, okay, it was fun.

Speaker 104 You have a girlfriend, Will?

Speaker 70 I don't, I don't, no.

Speaker 69 When's the last time you had a girlfriend?

Speaker 171 It's been a while, it's been a while.

Speaker 70 Um,

Speaker 82 yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go.

Speaker 189 Why, why do you, why, what, what's up with that?

Speaker 107 Um

Speaker 54 Looking for love in all the wrong places cuz you got no bitches

Speaker 189 Antonio is asking you do you have no bitches?

Speaker 32 I need the

Speaker 57 I need the Pearl Harbor helmet and then I think I'll probably land something

Speaker 26 on real quick.

Speaker 20 I my protection.

Speaker 110 What do you mean you prank? Take your break.

Speaker 169 What was that, Antonio?

Speaker 164 I believe in God, not in Trojans.

Speaker 17 That is yet another t-shirt.

Speaker 49 We are just merch makers here today.

Speaker 131 Get your I believe in God, not in Trojans.

Speaker 29 Go to his Twitter at AB84 and the links will lead you there.

Speaker 31 He is an absolute merch machine, a branding genius.

Speaker 24 I believe in God, not Trojans.

Speaker 122 Antonio, I really don't know.

Speaker 183 I'm genuinely curious.

Speaker 201 Do you have kids?

Speaker 55 I do.

Speaker 172 Okay.

Speaker 41 Dare I ask how many you have?

Speaker 164 Seven kids.

Speaker 165 Seven kids. Okay.

Speaker 115 How many baby mamas?

Speaker 57 Football team starting.

Speaker 108 Will shut the fuck up.

Speaker 45 Mamas babies.

Speaker 78 Four.

Speaker 3 Four different mamas babies.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 61 That's perfect.

Speaker 74 That's actually

Speaker 164 throw that P, hell Mary wide open.

Speaker 75 An X route, Y Corduroy Panther, 26 Blitz, Krieg on three on three.

Speaker 93 Blue with the Ag!

Speaker 90 Yeah. Blue with the Agg!

Speaker 86 Flag on the play.

Speaker 37 Cream pieing.

Speaker 29 Be a 15-yard penalty.

Speaker 40 I love it. Will,

Speaker 100 so when's the last time you had sex with a woman?

Speaker 17 Maybe even maybe even just a half ride.

Speaker 120 Didn't have to be a full ride. Maybe just a half ride.

Speaker 57 Last time I got a full ride was definitely before I started doing comedy. Once I started hopping in two months, so probably like two months.
I'll say like two months for sure. Okay.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 37 Okay. And how did that go for you?

Speaker 57 I think I got a touchdown for sure.

Speaker 97 I think I got

Speaker 39 Okay, do a lot of girls

Speaker 39 push

Speaker 69 Do a lot of girls flirt with you

Speaker 39 Okay

Speaker 167 We got it we got it Tommy.

Speaker 186 You don't

Speaker 7 you don't have to explain

Speaker 136 I would say

Speaker 57 Yeah, then I start start talking and then it fucking ruins it. Yeah.
You know?

Speaker 185 You get nervous around girls.

Speaker 57 Not too much, to be honest. Not too much.
It's just I end up saying some crazy shit.

Speaker 104 And then it's like...

Speaker 46 I would think that you would do really well with women since you look like all the members of the Black Eyed Peas combined.

Speaker 123 But then here it is.

Speaker 41 It turns out he opens his mouth and gets you in trouble.

Speaker 104 Well, Will.

Speaker 44 Any other fun facts about you that we should know about before letting letting you go?

Speaker 15 I have to go with them.

Speaker 132 Did you hear that fucking noise?

Speaker 39 Look at me think.

Speaker 32 Oh, skinny black.

Speaker 136 That ain't getting up from a recliner.

Speaker 103 Fun facts about me, Batman.

Speaker 32 Where do I begin? For your half-ride will be your last ride.

Speaker 57 That's fair.

Speaker 57 I'm going to have to go with my granddad just died. He was like 93, and he had like a 40-year-old girlfriend when he died.
So R.I.P. grandpa.

Speaker 119 Hell yeah. How did he die?

Speaker 57 He just got old age.

Speaker 57 It was about that time.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 57 He was killing it, though.

Speaker 8 He was killing it.

Speaker 69 You ever think about banging his ex-girlfriend?

Speaker 95 You ever think about throwing on a crash-out bucket helmet and just fucking yeah, so you know,

Speaker 57 I need, I didn't, you know, honestly, it's like, hey, look, from a football helmet to a fucking Civil War reenactment helmet, my guy is still, hey, the CTA, you know, you still hold it down, my guy.

Speaker 66 CTESPN.

Speaker 175 Shout out the will.

Speaker 35 That's right. Shout out the Will.

Speaker 11 Here you go.

Speaker 68 A lot of people haven't been catching these joke books tonight.

Speaker 89 I expect you, for many reasons, to be able to catch this.

Speaker 66 Are you ready?

Speaker 61 It was a short throw.

Speaker 16 We got it.

Speaker 10 There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 82 Will, everybody.

Speaker 15 There goes Will.

Speaker 42 Let's do one more bucket pull before we get to him, and then we'll keep it going.

Speaker 115 Ladies and gentlemen, another bucket pull, Nate.

Speaker 11 That's literally just did nothing there.

Speaker 78 That was nothing.

Speaker 30 She lifted it up and sat it back down.

Speaker 120 It's incredible.

Speaker 23 Yep, we love her.

Speaker 176 We love Heidi.

Speaker 32 America loves Heidi. Everyone loves Heidi.

Speaker 14 Make some noise for your next bucket full.

Speaker 26 It is Nate Lorette, everyone.

Speaker 93 Nate Lorette.

Speaker 78 Hey.

Speaker 127 I'm from Oklahoma, which is just here, but worse.

Speaker 127 Not good.

Speaker 127 Very religious state. But somehow we also legalized weed a few years back.

Speaker 127 Only state that I've ever seen a dispensary advertised with Bible verses.

Speaker 127 I remember there was this one ad on the radio. I'll recreate it for you guys.
It started out.

Speaker 208 It was like, Aha,

Speaker 104 Lord,

Speaker 127 you are the most high.

Speaker 39 Amen.

Speaker 127 If I won't get one free at Jebedai's burning bush all week long, can't spell salvation without sativa.

Speaker 113 Spelling joke.

Speaker 127 Sometimes when I say that I'm from Oklahoma, I'll get these people making really racist jokes towards Native Americans at me.

Speaker 136 They're like, oh, Oklahoma, what you learn in high school? Bird talls, gambling,

Speaker 32 hardy are

Speaker 82 boom, all the way to the limits.

Speaker 35 Nate Laurette with his kill Tony debut.

Speaker 119 Welcome, Nate.

Speaker 35 Wow, big bird call audience we got here tonight.

Speaker 43 Hi, Nate. How old are you?

Speaker 109 25.

Speaker 43 25.

Speaker 132 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 213 Two coming up on three years?

Speaker 135 Three years.

Speaker 122 All of it in Oklahoma, or do you live here now?

Speaker 127 Oh, I've been here for like a year, and then I started in Wisconsin. I've never done stand-up in Oklahoma.

Speaker 189 You went to college in Wisconsin?

Speaker 127 No, I went to college in Kansas.

Speaker 174 Okay.

Speaker 41 Started in Oklahoma, went to college in Kansas.

Speaker 74 What took you to Wisconsin?

Speaker 127 It was like my first job out of college.

Speaker 26 I did

Speaker 127 medical, software, bullshit.

Speaker 102 Okay. What do you do now?

Speaker 127 I do DoorDash on a bike.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 82 Mama, we made it.

Speaker 136 Yeah. Dreams, don't let your dreams be dreams.

Speaker 142 Hell yeah. What kind of money are you making weekly on DoorDash?

Speaker 127 Yeah, you know, like a hundred bucks.

Speaker 127 Sometimes, like 400, and then

Speaker 127 I'll just get really high and be like,

Speaker 127 nah, I'm going to give myself a day off.

Speaker 109 That makes sense.

Speaker 105 I earned it.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 102 I hate it when I order food and it turns out that it's on a bicycle.

Speaker 117 You see that little bicycle icon

Speaker 131 pull up and you realize that you hit the unlucky lottery, that your food is going to be cold.

Speaker 127 People spilled so many coffees. Yeah.

Speaker 127 Yeah. Don't ever order coffee from a bike guy.

Speaker 99 Well, we don't get to choose.

Speaker 8 I really wish you have no idea.

Speaker 126 Double the tip, it's not like, oh, this guy's got a Corvette.

Speaker 127 Like, he's going to get there really fast. No?

Speaker 78 No. Okay.

Speaker 75 We wish that there was a part of the app where you could shut off the possibility of bicycles.

Speaker 5 Do you ever order DoorDash?

Speaker 109 No.

Speaker 109 What a horrible.

Speaker 109 No.

Speaker 127 It's, I don't, I honestly, every day that I get an order, I'm like another sucker every minute.

Speaker 158 It's a, what a horrible business thing.

Speaker 127 I want to pay 40 bucks for medium fry and sprite at McDonald's.

Speaker 146 Wow.

Speaker 122 Okay, what are you going to do for work now?

Speaker 127 Motorcycle. Yes.
Bike. DoorDash.

Speaker 25 I love it. What do you do for fun?

Speaker 118 You're a 25-year-old.

Speaker 67 You're young and sprite.

Speaker 46 We've had a lot of beat-up older people on this show today.

Speaker 93 We had Busco on,

Speaker 151 who's a 1% real estate agent that moonlights on a pizza joint.

Speaker 42 You seem like you have all your life ahead of you, like a young Eminem type of character here.

Speaker 30 You seem like you're young and sprite, like you have a lot on your mind, fully operational.

Speaker 86 You're not at or all like some other bucket pulls tonight.

Speaker 39 You're fully operational.

Speaker 182 Nah.

Speaker 109 Stone cold, sober.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 127 Except for all the weed I just did.

Speaker 108 Whoa, you Oklahoma rebel.

Speaker 1 All right. Anchor, my friend.

Speaker 165 I wish we could just have Antonio Brown.

Speaker 95 Like perhaps like every episode, just like in your own like section up there, just smoking blunts, drinking white Russians, and jumping in anytime you want.

Speaker 46 Just know you're always welcome here, Antonio Brown.

Speaker 153 This guy's unbelievable.

Speaker 84 That's so good.

Speaker 63 They say never meet your heroes from Twitter.

Speaker 18 But Antonio Brown is the absolute fucking man.

Speaker 67 So

Speaker 46 tell us more about you.

Speaker 77 You're 25.

Speaker 37 Tell us about what's going on in the life of a 25-year-old.

Speaker 127 This one time I refereed a midget wrestling match.

Speaker 127 That was pretty cool.

Speaker 131 How do you get a gig like that?

Speaker 127 It was just like on the website, like tickets, $10,

Speaker 127 $200.

Speaker 127 You get to be in there with them.

Speaker 18 Oh my God.

Speaker 89 And you took two weeks of DoorDash pay, and you're like, I'm fucking in.

Speaker 127 Two weeks is pretty generous.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 127 It was an investment.

Speaker 127 I financed it.

Speaker 198 Klarna.

Speaker 111 Shout out.

Speaker 16 Great reference.

Speaker 22 I believe that is the first Klarna reference in the history of Kill Tony.

Speaker 64 Amazing.

Speaker 96 I fucking get it. Making payments.
Are you still making payments on your midget wrestling referee?

Speaker 127 Nah, all paid up on that one.

Speaker 127 I financed the bike, though, actually.

Speaker 127 Like, I did do that one.

Speaker 127 And

Speaker 127 I got that paid off, like, last month.

Speaker 5 Fuck yeah, Nate.

Speaker 188 The people are loving this.

Speaker 166 People are loving.

Speaker 11 The unbelievable payment process of Nate Laurette.

Speaker 24 Tell us one more fun fact about you.

Speaker 46 Anything else crazy? What are your parents like? You seem like

Speaker 171 a something.

Speaker 127 It's a good way of putting it.

Speaker 146 My mom,

Speaker 127 she's a speech therapist.

Speaker 127 And all I've ever gotten out of that was that she told me when I was young, she thought that I might be autistic.

Speaker 127 And so I'm wondering, like, oh, if she didn't do that, would I just be like non-verbal?

Speaker 127 This is an autistic thing to say.

Speaker 125 Uh-huh.

Speaker 109 You haven't looked at us in the eyes at all.

Speaker 32 I'm bad at it. She's looking at the camera the whole time.

Speaker 127 I'm trying.

Speaker 7 Well, that's where the more people.

Speaker 160 Give me a restaurant to fucking prove it. Yeah.

Speaker 184 Can you say Tondo Ramen to that camera?

Speaker 88 What's crazy is he had no idea that Ken Say Yasuda.

Speaker 143 He was not in the room.

Speaker 29 He has no idea that he pointed at that camera every time.

Speaker 132 Yet, meanwhile, I don't think you can say Tondo Ramen without pointing exactly at a camera.

Speaker 91 We're figuring something out here today.

Speaker 72 This is incredible.

Speaker 99 Nate, what's your big goal here?

Speaker 44 You're a couple months in,

Speaker 29 or I mean, you're three years into comedy.

Speaker 118 You've been here for a year.

Speaker 202 You're DoorDashing.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 133 What's a goal of it?

Speaker 171 I'm making it happen.

Speaker 46 What's a goal of yours?

Speaker 209 I don't know. I mean

Speaker 127 just kind of have it in fun for now. Perfect.

Speaker 199 If I like didn't have to do DoorDash on a bike, that'd be sick.

Speaker 127 So like once we can make like 20 more bucks a month, I think I'm there.

Speaker 39 Okey-doky.

Speaker 41 These goals brought to you by marijuana, everybody.

Speaker 21 Well, congratulations,

Speaker 118 Nate. You're getting a big big joke book.

Speaker 76 Man!

Speaker 125 Let's go!

Speaker 153 There he goes, Nate Lorette, everybody.

Speaker 14 There goes Nate, everyone.

Speaker 11 There he goes. Go ahead, Nate.
There he goes.

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Speaker 212 Yo, this is important, man.

Speaker 212 My favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called Pacebreakers. The ones with all the pockets.
I just got back from vacation and I left them in my hotel room.

Speaker 212 And dude, I need to replace these shorts. I wear them like three times a week.
Could you send me the link to where you got them? Oh, also, my birthday is coming up soon.

Speaker 108 So, anyways, thanks, bro.

Speaker 217 Talk soon. Looking for your newest go-to's Lululemon.
What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays? Every Tuesday, head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 37 Your next comedian is, without a doubt, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 88 He is here.

Speaker 22 He is live in the flesh.

Speaker 88 This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

Speaker 88 Yo, yo, happy Easter!

Speaker 159 I love how religious Americans are.

Speaker 78 On God.

Speaker 213 Estonia is one of the most atheist countries in the world.

Speaker 208 You ask an Estonian, do you believe in a higher power?

Speaker 159 We're like, I don't even believe in myself.

Speaker 213 Dude, you tell us there's an afterlife?

Speaker 146 We're like, fuck, there's more.

Speaker 136 Can I just fucking die?

Speaker 213 I went on a date with like a religious girl here.

Speaker 204 She's Catholic.

Speaker 104 And then after the date, we go to her place and she's like, don't worry, we can still do anal.

Speaker 211 I love how religious chicks treat their asshole like an offshore account in the Bahamas.

Speaker 196 It's outside the jurisdiction.

Speaker 136 I love how she thinks she's gonna get to the pearly gates.

Speaker 213 God is gonna be like, What the fuck?

Speaker 158 And she's like, ah, you never said.

Speaker 147 And God's going to be like, ah,

Speaker 211 get in here, you little slut.

Speaker 121 Thank you, guys. Boom.

Speaker 120 Another minute 30, brand new for Ari Mativ.

Speaker 18 We've missed you, Ari.

Speaker 63 You were in Estonia for a while.

Speaker 172 Now you're...

Speaker 32 I'm going to see my kingdom.

Speaker 178 That is right.

Speaker 89 You are the king of Estonia.

Speaker 22 A fun fact.

Speaker 132 Kill Tony, I believe, touched number one in America for a quick bit.

Speaker 28 We had a, on Netflix, we had a

Speaker 21 very, very interesting

Speaker 83 time of our release.

Speaker 61 It came amongst the third most watched episode of Raw, WWE Raw of the Year as they led up to WrestleMania.

Speaker 37 There was a new

Speaker 71 season of Black Mirror, a new season of Love on the Spectrum.

Speaker 188 It was a very amazing week to come out.

Speaker 61 We touched one for a second we were number one in Canada for a couple few days and we were number one of all places in Estonia I think we're still number one in Estonia

Speaker 15 it is unbelievable you are

Speaker 196 Tony you come to Estonia you can do a fucking 160 seater yeah it really

Speaker 178 you can sell out

Speaker 151 it really seems like it what is the population of Estonia ballpark?

Speaker 213 It's like 1.4 million, but let's be honest, you know.

Speaker 56 There's a lot of filth out there, you know.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 213 It's like 60,000 actual online people.

Speaker 32 I mean, there's a lot of people in America, too, but I mean.

Speaker 61 How many of the people in Estonia look or act at all like Antonio Brown here?

Speaker 213 Dude, I'd love to see you walk around with that helmet in Estonia.

Speaker 196 They're like, who the fuck is attacking us now?

Speaker 110 Jesus Christ, these guys are explosive.

Speaker 6 We had a women in.

Speaker 46 Redband has literally taken the time to look up the black population of Estonia.

Speaker 73 And Google's first sentence is, the black population in Estonia is small,

Speaker 38 comprising a fraction of the total population.

Speaker 27 According to a 2011 census, 414 people or 0.0315%

Speaker 65 had at least, hold on, had

Speaker 23 at least one parent that is African, which means that's even your mixed kids and everything.

Speaker 48 414.

Speaker 213 and I want to clarify that was in 2011

Speaker 196 Right we got him out

Speaker 39 Black dick happy birthday Hitler

Speaker 8 What do you

Speaker 201 What do you think about this place Antonio Brown The country of Estonia.

Speaker 41 What do you think about them only having 414?

Speaker 96 That includes mixed people.

Speaker 144 Does this sound like a fun place for you to visit?

Speaker 75 Are you interested at all in visiting Estonia?

Speaker 164 Yeah, I want to check it out.

Speaker 208 You're going to fuck every woman there.

Speaker 39 Fuck!

Speaker 164 We want to fuck!

Speaker 154 I think he can single-handedly change the percentage of African Americans, of African Estonians.

Speaker 213 Antonio, you're drinking white Russians?

Speaker 164 Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 213 You ever have a white Russian with titty milk?

Speaker 164 Titty milk, yeah.

Speaker 164 You know when a baby's born, you know, they put them on the titties.

Speaker 32 You know that cord can come out too.

Speaker 164 Malnutrition.

Speaker 83 There's a lot to digest there.

Speaker 33 You said titty milk.

Speaker 151 He said when the babies are born, that's what they drink.

Speaker 117 Like perhaps that's a fun fact that we've never heard of before.

Speaker 156 I to the titties.

Speaker 99 Have you had a white Russian with titty milk?

Speaker 95 Ari Maddie?

Speaker 211 Yes.

Speaker 131 Really?

Speaker 151 Tell us about this.

Speaker 213 I was partying on a boat with Russians, and then they wanted, we were making white Russians. We only had the liquor, ran out of the milk and then one of the bitches were lactating

Speaker 56 fresh

Speaker 213 how was it was it good I gotta say titty milk is fucking delicious dude

Speaker 183 have you ever drank titty milk before Antonio

Speaker 5 it's called colasco

Speaker 151 Now that what's crazy is I was making fun of you before for not for for stating something that was obvious and now look at you now you're like the doctor of titty milk

Speaker 201 You are like I'm a solve solving it all

Speaker 32 Well well well, it's another episode of Antonio Brown sipping titty milk

Speaker 43 The master of titty milk Antonio Brown

Speaker 108 I love it

Speaker 184 Have you ever thought about having a white Russian with chocolate milk having a black Russian?

Speaker 164 Black.

Speaker 164 I've never seen a black Russian.

Speaker 151 No, no one has and no one.

Speaker 159 Not a black Estonian either.

Speaker 115 Ari Matty, you are the fucking man.

Speaker 22 We love you.

Speaker 14 A real life rock star live in the flesh.

Speaker 153 The man, the myth, the legend, Ari Matty, everybody.

Speaker 151 And we move on to our next and second to last bucket make some noise for mike love

Speaker 129 mike love everyone

Speaker 87 well uh you know some people are addicted to porn um yeah it's true i'm addicted to tender you know it's like i always swipe right for everybody because it's a numbers game kind of like russian roulette well If they're Russian, I swipe left because I don't fuck white bitches.

Speaker 87 But now, seriously, though, like, I have bad luck dating. Don't know why.
so like when every time I'm on tender I send the same message right like hey My name is Mike Love.

Speaker 213 I like long walks on the beach.

Speaker 87 I like to go dancing ultimately. I'm looking for someone to kick it with.
I thought it was a good message. One girl responded, you're an asshole.
You're not funny.

Speaker 216 I'm like, what did I say?

Speaker 87 Then I found out she was in a wheelchair.

Speaker 159 That's from that back.

Speaker 146 Long walks.

Speaker 87 Dancing.

Speaker 87 Someone I could kick it with.

Speaker 87 Yeah, good thing I didn't tell her I was was into stand-up.

Speaker 182 You know?

Speaker 87 But no, seriously, I recently just seen that she was like dating somebody. And the funny thing is, right, he's beating on her.

Speaker 87 But she's rolling with the punches.

Speaker 178 All right, y'all. Thank you.

Speaker 82 Yeah, Michael Love.

Speaker 83 So how'd that go?

Speaker 184 Was that real?

Speaker 69 Any of that real?

Speaker 110 I'm really addicted to Tinder, man.

Speaker 58 Yeah, but not a chick in a wheelchair.

Speaker 87 I did date a blind girl once.

Speaker 27 Ooh, tell us more about that.

Speaker 87 She had four kids.

Speaker 136 She couldn't tell who the dad was.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 87 That was kind of funny.

Speaker 54 That should be...

Speaker 21 Do you talk about that in your stand-up? Every once in a while.

Speaker 32 Every once in a while, especially the kids.

Speaker 87 They're bad as shit. Her youngest son, right? He always just like knocks shit over, breaks shit, and then like run away.

Speaker 8 And he's like, don't say shit.

Speaker 39 You know what I mean? He's like, what was that?

Speaker 87 I actually stole her TV.

Speaker 158 But she wasn't watching it. She wasn't even watching it.

Speaker 108 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 108 I don't She knows you watch it.

Speaker 6 This is why we don't trust them, dude.

Speaker 5 Yeah, man.

Speaker 172 Wow.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 89 What made you steal her TV?

Speaker 87 No, see, what happened was, right?

Speaker 54 Mine.

Speaker 81 Now, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 39 What happened was what happened was,

Speaker 7 I didn't really steal it, right?

Speaker 87 Because like, see, I got a new TV, right?

Speaker 87 Then I took her TV and put it in the box and then returned it.

Speaker 56 And yeah, I'm a piece of shit.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 89 So you ordered the same TV that she had.

Speaker 87 She's nice. I'm like, you know, she ain't watching it.
And then I got mine, but mine was broken.

Speaker 6 And I'm like, all right, let me take hers and then return the broken one.

Speaker 110 It was, it made sense to me in the moment.

Speaker 218 But now I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 38 Mike, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 87 Since the pandemic, it's about going on five years.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 61 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 87 Only fans. No, seriously.

Speaker 87 I have a content creation company called 143 Media, and I am also a consultant for AT ⁇ T.

Speaker 31 See you're a consultant for AT ⁇ T.

Speaker 172 Yeah.

Speaker 108 That was a long way to get there.

Speaker 56 I was just trying to plug my shit. We don't know about yet.

Speaker 159 Just AT ⁇ T.

Speaker 32 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 21 this content creation, what exactly are you doing?

Speaker 87 All right, so I meet up with small businesses and I find like other comedians or people that have high viewers and I match them together, kind of like, you know, like hinge for like businesses and social media content creators, and like make sure they get paid, and then they help them get more apply to Mike.

Speaker 170 Where are you from?

Speaker 87 I am from Rochester, New York, but I'm currently living in San Antonio.

Speaker 28 You live in San Antonio, San Antonio right now.

Speaker 87 Yeah, just what made you move to San Antonio? Oh, man, just comedy. I wanted to be close to here, but I'm also a military veteran, and there's a lot of bases in San Antonio.
Oh, nice.

Speaker 87 So it just kind of made sense.

Speaker 132 Okay, what did you do in the military?

Speaker 87 Oh, man, I was in the Air Force, and yeah, I was only there a few months, so something like it.

Speaker 39 hell yeah what did you do in the Air Force just identify aircrafts you flew aircraft no identified identified identified identified like oh

Speaker 39 that's plane yeah absolutely

Speaker 90 I see him

Speaker 108 yeah

Speaker 87 identified if it was friend or foe, worked with Bradley miss or worked with Bradley tanks, used stinger missiles to knock down foes and shit like that, But I never really did it.

Speaker 57 Only in a simulator.

Speaker 56 How many people you kill? I don't want to talk about that.

Speaker 69 Antonio Brown with a great

Speaker 81 prison.

Speaker 54 Before or after.

Speaker 30 How many people have you killed, Mike Love?

Speaker 87 I can't talk about that, man, because after the military, I went to prisons.

Speaker 56 So.

Speaker 104 Oh, no. Oh,

Speaker 109 all right.

Speaker 8 Stereotypes.

Speaker 6 The black guy went to jail.

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 83 Yeah, let's talk about that.

Speaker 30 What did you go to jail for?

Speaker 87 I can't talk about that because a lot of my employers don't know.

Speaker 182 But

Speaker 39 fraud. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 8 What the hell?

Speaker 100 No, the guy that stole the blind lady's television?

Speaker 182 Yeah.

Speaker 213 Get him a crash-out bucket.

Speaker 182 Yeah, man.

Speaker 64 A lot of you can't tell, but D-Madness has been muttering angry things back here ever since he found out that this guy stole a blind woman's television.

Speaker 108 Oh, shit!

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 39 That's funny.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 86 He's fucking pissed.

Speaker 100 He just took his earpiece out.

Speaker 154 He's never even done that before.

Speaker 66 So he's basically senseless right now.

Speaker 32 It's not like he's going to see me later on and do something about it.

Speaker 186 Whoa. D, what do you think?

Speaker 122 What do you want to?

Speaker 186 What do you want to do?

Speaker 54 I'm only 5'3 and I'm white.

Speaker 23 D,

Speaker 33 what do you think about this piece of shit stealing blind women's televisions?

Speaker 179 D-Madness.

Speaker 133 Well, I have a brand new cane.

Speaker 147 I hope I don't have to use it later.

Speaker 26 It's like blindfolded pinata.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 5 Deep.

Speaker 39 He's surgical with that shit.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 86 Deep madness would fuck you up, Mike Love.

Speaker 32 I don't know why, but I believe him.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 87 Nah, I got nothing but love for the disabled community or handy capable.

Speaker 82 Wow. But you don't.

Speaker 114 You stole her television.

Speaker 6 Nah,

Speaker 157 I was doing her a favor.

Speaker 39 She wasn't watching it.

Speaker 46 He he is digging himself a deeper hole yeah

Speaker 87 all right mike love what's a redeeming quality about you that'll make everyone redeeming quality about me i am an active father three kids wow um they love me sometimes

Speaker 18 uh what else what else what else uh i actually work for a charity what charity that's called the parker project okay this sounds like a made-up scam no no no

Speaker 7 you know what i'm not even going to talk about that one to be like no don't say that we're not associated with you.

Speaker 143 Okay, what is the, what is it, what is this, the Parker Project?

Speaker 87 Parker Project actually helps the families with kids with cancer,

Speaker 87 helps raise money for taking care of the household things.

Speaker 151 This does not sound real.

Speaker 114 It's legit.

Speaker 156 It's legit.

Speaker 56 It's legit. It's legit.

Speaker 71 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 43 Mike Love, everybody.

Speaker 120 He's going to strike.

Speaker 58 Congratulations, Mike Love.

Speaker 166 You will forever be remembered as the guy that stole a blind woman's television.

Speaker 46 From charities, also. Yeah, fake charity.

Speaker 28 We're gonna look up Parker Project and read its one-star reviews here in a second.

Speaker 22 All right, we realize that we have not had a female comedian pulled out of the bucket all night tonight, so I pulled until I found one.

Speaker 181 This looks like a very fun name.

Speaker 25 Make some noise for Andre from Russia, everybody.

Speaker 22 Andre from Russia.

Speaker 120 Oh, Okey Doki.

Speaker 131 Looks like I fucked up.

Speaker 14 It's okay.

Speaker 10 I guess it's Andre,

Speaker 188 spelled with a Y.

Speaker 48 One more time.

Speaker 84 Andre, perhaps, from Russia?

Speaker 218 Okay.

Speaker 219 I'm not gay.

Speaker 219 But I do yoga sometimes.

Speaker 219 Because back home in Russia, you need to explain these kind of hobbies. It's a very homophobic place, you know.

Speaker 219 You wash your hands twice a day, gay.

Speaker 219 You cut your hair twice a year, gay.

Speaker 219 You went to Thailand and rented Lady Boy for two weeks?

Speaker 7 Well, package was cheaper, okay?

Speaker 219 And cheaper than a real woman, too.

Speaker 219 Congratulations, guys.

Speaker 146 America is great again.

Speaker 39 You feel it?

Speaker 111 Yeah,

Speaker 111 yeah?

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 219 No genders, no immigrants, no abortions.

Speaker 219 Feels like Mother Russia.

Speaker 87 I think you guys can change the name from USA to USSA.

Speaker 194 That's it for me. Thank you.

Speaker 111 Wow.

Speaker 80 Andre from Russia. Yep.

Speaker 62 You're really from Russia, huh?

Speaker 154 Yes.

Speaker 118 How long have you lived in America?

Speaker 219 Six weeks now.

Speaker 76 Okay, so

Speaker 131 how old are you?

Speaker 219 33 this summer.

Speaker 65 33.

Speaker 43 Okay, very good.

Speaker 93 And so you live in Russia full time.

Speaker 27 You're just visiting for a while?

Speaker 219 Yeah, I'm visiting. I actually live in Asia for the last eight years.

Speaker 93 Where in Asia?

Speaker 219 First when I left, I lived in China, then Indonesia, and last couple years it's all over the place. Thailand, Malaysia.

Speaker 35 Thailand, yeah, I could tell when you said all over the place that it's Thailand. No doubt about it.
You're having a good time over there.

Speaker 140 Yep.

Speaker 153 Yep.

Speaker 36 Because from behind, it's all the same.

Speaker 109 You don't see?

Speaker 31 Speaking of white Russians, let's check in with

Speaker 85 14 deep here, Antonio Brown.

Speaker 200 Have you ever been to Russia, Antonio?

Speaker 164 I've never been to Russia.

Speaker 89 There is nothing you can say that isn't hilarious.

Speaker 136 You're in Russia right now, dude.

Speaker 39 You're fucking gone, boy.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 164 Right to the movie, Teres.

Speaker 99 That's exactly what I was going to say.

Speaker 109 Someone take me home?

Speaker 103 What do you do for work?

Speaker 219 I do a bit of crypto and a bit of affiliate marketing.

Speaker 5 Okay, crypto and apilia margada.

Speaker 123 Of course.

Speaker 68 What's the second part?

Speaker 219 Affiliate marketing. It's like you sell links, whatever, and get commissions.

Speaker 138 Another scam artist.

Speaker 105 This is great.

Speaker 40 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 110 People and scam artists.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 219 We get well with black people, so.

Speaker 100 You do?

Speaker 3 Is that true?

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Have you seen someone where you're from that looks like Antonio Brown?

Speaker 219 Yeah, we have a whole university with a program and...

Speaker 219 But they're not African American. They're...

Speaker 69 Like African-African.

Speaker 185 Wait, hold on a second.

Speaker 97 Hold on.

Speaker 89 What do you mean there's a whole university?

Speaker 189 What exactly are they teaching these people?

Speaker 39 He got a program.

Speaker 104 He called it a program.

Speaker 114 That's insane.

Speaker 140 You called it a program.

Speaker 161 It's 2025.

Speaker 7 You're in America. You can't be calling it programs.

Speaker 114 I'm learning, okay?

Speaker 44 Okay, so what goes on at this program?

Speaker 219 So the university has the highest amount of black people there, and it's called Russian University of International Friendship.

Speaker 20 Of international friendship?

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 111 Wow.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 21 And where is this?

Speaker 72 Is that in Moscow?

Speaker 219 Yeah, that's in Moscow. Of course.

Speaker 219 They wouldn't survive anywhere else.

Speaker 100 Right.

Speaker 150 That is just, he's just being honest there.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Just being honest.

Speaker 75 Have you ever been to this university or driven by it or seen it?

Speaker 143 Do you know anything about it?

Speaker 179 Do people go around there?

Speaker 189 What's it like?

Speaker 114 It's...

Speaker 72 Just tell the truth.

Speaker 219 Okay, it's a lot of not stylish black people.

Speaker 100 It's...

Speaker 122 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 122 What do you mean by not stylish black people?

Speaker 219 Okay, for me as Russian, there are black people on television, they're stylish.

Speaker 219 And there are black people people from university they're not

Speaker 80 yeah

Speaker 45 when you say they're not you mean they're just wearing like normal clothes like flannels no no chains no chains

Speaker 23 this motherfucker you gonna take that

Speaker 161 Are you gonna take that, AP?

Speaker 183 That is one of very Russian

Speaker 165 Russian popular rappers.

Speaker 132 His name is No Chains.

Speaker 219 I meant golden chains, guys. I didn't even think about any other.

Speaker 121 No!

Speaker 90 Hey, no!

Speaker 153 No one else was thinking about that either, by the way.

Speaker 29 You just had your own little break there.

Speaker 17 I would not even think about slavery.

Speaker 164 Sorry?

Speaker 196 I need a crash-out bucket.

Speaker 88 He does need a crash-out bucket.

Speaker 17 But for now, you're gonna settle for a big joke, but congratulations.

Speaker 14 There he goes. We're moving along.

Speaker 16 Thank you, guys. Flying through it.

Speaker 153 There you go.

Speaker 14 Andre from Russia.

Speaker 85 I found what has to be our real first female comedian of the night and your final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 10 Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for anime.

Speaker 93 Anime.

Speaker 120 What's up, y'all?

Speaker 220 My name's Anna, and I live in a van.

Speaker 220 Some people ask me what van life is like, and I just tell them it's a lot to unpack.

Speaker 220 Some people are mad at me for living in a van and I'm like that's crazy because I'm a nomad. I'm no mad at you for living in a house.

Speaker 220 And some people think I'm a hippie because I live in a van and I'm kind of a hippie because I don't shave my armpits.

Speaker 220 I was free bleeding at a Planet Fitness this week and I use essential oils for everything from insect repellent to chlamydia.

Speaker 220 But I'm a bad hippie. I'm not really a hippie because I drive a diesel.
I love a good steak and I have my license to carry.

Speaker 220 But I only got it to prove to the cops in my hometown that I wasn't mentally ill.

Speaker 125 Pew pew.

Speaker 220 Got him.

Speaker 220 But dating's hard on the road because every time I invite a guy over, it feels like an abduction.

Speaker 220 And I'm not really into kidnap roleplay.

Speaker 220 And that's all I got for you guys.

Speaker 17 That's exactly 60 seconds from anime.

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 132 How long have you been doing stand-up anime?

Speaker 189 About six years.

Speaker 105 Six years? Where at exactly?

Speaker 220 All over the country.

Speaker 181 Well, you do live in a van. That makes sense.

Speaker 220 I'm a nationally touring comedian.

Speaker 108 Of course.

Speaker 175 I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Speaker 25 How do you make money?

Speaker 3 What exactly do you do to make money?

Speaker 220 I'm an artist, so I sell art and candles. And I've done a lot of different things on the road for money.

Speaker 5 Like what?

Speaker 89 What is something you've done for money on the road?

Speaker 105 This is a very

Speaker 18 compelling part of this show.

Speaker 220 I know I sometimes present as a truck stop hooker, but I'm not one of those.

Speaker 220 I work for a contracted app. It's like called Winolo.
So I've cleaned hotels. I've,

Speaker 39 yeah.

Speaker 39 What do you mean, the hotels?

Speaker 47 What is that?

Speaker 35 We don't know what that is.

Speaker 220 It's an app where you can pick up work wherever you are. And it's like,

Speaker 170 yeah, it's like. In call, out call.

Speaker 220 Yeah, warehouse jobs.

Speaker 22 Oh, so it's like just road jobs, nothing steady.

Speaker 18 No, nothing. Nothing actually processing.

Speaker 220 No, I just hustle. I just hustle.
You hustle.

Speaker 49 Okay, what's your least favorite job you've ever done off of that app?

Speaker 220 The hotel cleaning one. The Extended Stay Americas, cleaning those.
They're rough.

Speaker 23 Oh, yeah, they are rough. Yeah, they're rough.

Speaker 177 That is not a job for white people.

Speaker 86 We are not built for that.

Speaker 11 Anybody groaning, you clearly haven't stayed at an extended stay America.

Speaker 83 It's a special, special type of place.

Speaker 220 Sometimes they let you stay there if you work there, and I'm like, I'm all set.

Speaker 35 I'll stay in the van.

Speaker 23 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 32 It is crazy.

Speaker 3 There's been a couple times where, yeah, you're out there on the road and there's not much else doing the small clubs on the suburbs.

Speaker 100 Anna, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened?

Speaker 24 Living in a van.

Speaker 86 Give us a real gritty

Speaker 90 antonya.

Speaker 141 The craziest? Yeah.

Speaker 220 I've never gotten a knock on my van before, but

Speaker 220 I got a knock on my van in a Walmart parking lot after I masturbated in the parking lot.

Speaker 220 And I was like,

Speaker 220 it was like 2 p.m. too.
It was like, I wasn't even parking overnight or anything. And the Walmart parking lot security was like, you've been here for too long.

Speaker 220 And I was like, what do you mean I've been here for too long? I've been here for 20 minutes because that's how long the porno I watched was.

Speaker 18 You were watching a porno in the van?

Speaker 220 If you park close enough to Walmart, you get get the Wi-Fi.

Speaker 5 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 108 Hold on.

Speaker 98 Hold on.

Speaker 156 Wow.

Speaker 160 You jerked off for 20 minutes?

Speaker 108 Yes.

Speaker 113 Yeah. That is.
That's the craziest part of everything you said.

Speaker 197 Yeah. Beating off for 20 minutes is ridiculous.

Speaker 109 Was that? You scroll the thumbnails.

Speaker 113 30 seconds.

Speaker 100 30 seconds? In and out.

Speaker 220 It had been a while, so I wanted to take my time.

Speaker 87 Candles.

Speaker 220 Not in the van. There's propane in there, and so you can't have candles.

Speaker 107 There's propane leaking?

Speaker 156 You just all high as shit, diddling for 20 minutes.

Speaker 220 Wasn't the only thing that was leaking?

Speaker 32 20 minutes in a parking lot?

Speaker 7 The one the security came up, dude.

Speaker 113 You know, you're fucking nuts, right?

Speaker 186 So, yeah.

Speaker 158 Yes.

Speaker 113 Not because of all the other shit.

Speaker 197 Jerking off for 20 minutes is fucking nuts.

Speaker 87 I'm sorry. Happy birthday.

Speaker 19 What kind of porn were you watching in the Walmart parking lot?

Speaker 90 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 106 It's okay.

Speaker 126 It doesn't matter. I don't remember.

Speaker 115 What kind of porn do you like to watch?

Speaker 78 Well,

Speaker 91 does it look at does every thumbnail look like Antonio Brown?

Speaker 220 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 173 It doesn't matter. Okay.

Speaker 23 I don't wanna...

Speaker 12 I don't.

Speaker 173 You are.

Speaker 62 I don't wanna pressure you.

Speaker 46 I don't wanna pressure you because Lord knows you are looking for a lawsuit.

Speaker 106 So, uh

Speaker 93 anime

Speaker 68 anything else interesting about your life before I let you go?

Speaker 5 Um,

Speaker 220 well, I was just gonna say that I was upset that the parking lot security knocked on my van window.

Speaker 220 And um, so I went into the I went into the Walmart because he was like, You didn't even go shopping, and I was like, I'm gonna go shopping right now.

Speaker 220 And I walked in there and I bought water and cigarettes because that's what you buy after you come. And I took it a step further because I was real pissed.

Speaker 220 I was like, I was honoring my fucking divine feminine energy and shit. And I got harassed by this parking lot security.
And I went to customer service.

Speaker 220 And I was like, Your parking lot security is harassing paying customers.

Speaker 220 And then I was like, I'm never going to come here again.

Speaker 92 Boom. There you go.

Speaker 163 Anime, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 33 I'm going to toss it to you.

Speaker 100 Nice.

Speaker 120 I went a little short there as to avoid hitting her with a joke book for those of you keeping track of my avoiding a lawsuit with Anna Mae.

Speaker 11 Who literally came here to sue somebody.

Speaker 25 Sometimes people sign up just to try to sue you.

Speaker 103 Okey-dokey.

Speaker 103 Alright.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 155 One more time for Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 119 Isn't she lovely?

Speaker 14 We've come to the part of the show. This is it.

Speaker 181 The grand finale.

Speaker 10 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man with the record for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, all-time everything.

Speaker 14 He is a Kiltoni Hall of Famer, originally from Memphis, Tennessee. Now he is the ambassador to Austin, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Pope of Piracy,

Speaker 14 the King of Conundrums, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 112 Carmelo Anthony has had quite the month of April. I mean, first he's inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, and then he travels to a high school track meet and kills someone.

Speaker 112 He claims self-defense, which would be the first time Carmelo Anthony attempted defense.

Speaker 112 Everybody gives Santa all the props, but what about the Easter bunny? He has to hop, hop, hop his ass to every Christian household in America.

Speaker 112 Santa's fat ass rides in a chariot eating cookies and drinking milk.

Speaker 112 Meanwhile, the bunny is a one-man band, and all we leave them is nothing but, oh, and by the way, Jesus died and rose from the dead, so have some respect.

Speaker 112 The Pope died yesterday, and it's kind of weird because he died the day after J.D.

Speaker 199 Vance came to see him.

Speaker 112 I mean, it would make a lot more sense if it had been Hillary Clinton, but who had been the last person to see him alive, but J.D.

Speaker 193 Vance?

Speaker 112 And by the way, I heard after he died, they scheduled a meeting of the Cardinals, and I had no idea the Pope had played professional baseball.

Speaker 112 Okay, this my time tony wow

Speaker 27 my god you would think that the man that has done it the most would come in and just cruise by leaning on his laurels but not at all boom boom

Speaker 111 tonight tony i'm at fucking 94 miles on the row machine already this month tony wow 90 400 miles it's january tony wow i'm going across the atlantic this year.

Speaker 170 Wow.

Speaker 136 You will row 500 miles and you will row 500 more to be the man that rows 500 miles and rows down at your door.

Speaker 116 Okay.

Speaker 69 That was incredible. Very topical.

Speaker 99 Carmelo Anthony, the Pope, Easter.

Speaker 69 You covered it all.

Speaker 39 I mean, you are.

Speaker 170 You're covering it, dude.

Speaker 3 You are dialed in.

Speaker 151 Let me ask you something, William.

Speaker 75 You are one of the most interesting creatures not only in the history of the show, but I think in this modern era of comedy.

Speaker 3 And you are always so entertaining to watch interact with guests.

Speaker 175 And my friend, we have a very special treat.

Speaker 74 This is Antonio Brown.

Speaker 56 Oh, Antonio Brown.

Speaker 129 It's so nice to see.

Speaker 218 What are you smoking there?

Speaker 129 Is that a blunt?

Speaker 164 That's the anchor cannabis.

Speaker 103 Yep. Stay anchored.com.

Speaker 129 Can I hit your blunt with you, Antonio?

Speaker 164 Hit the za.

Speaker 112 And also, Antonio, Tony might remember this.

Speaker 216 Red Band might remember this, but it's so weird.

Speaker 129 White Russians were actually my favorite drink. I'm almost at four years sober here very soon.
But Antonio, maybe tonight, would you give me a little sip of your drink? Yeah, taste it.

Speaker 16 Don't, William, don't.

Speaker 16 William, don't.

Speaker 90 Don't.

Speaker 193 Antonio, you failed the test, man.

Speaker 193 It's been almost four years, man.

Speaker 108 He's sober. He can't do it.

Speaker 5 He can't do it.

Speaker 111 Holy shit, man.

Speaker 193 You were going to let me drink your white Russian, which I appreciate.

Speaker 112 But yeah, it'd be a nightmare, Antonio.

Speaker 199 It's been almost four years, man.

Speaker 129 I was about to kill myself.

Speaker 86 He was.

Speaker 103 William can't have a drink.

Speaker 188 William can't have a drink without the shit.

Speaker 122 Are you getting that? Is someone...

Speaker 85 Please tell me you're getting that Antonio Brown laugh?

Speaker 76 You have it?

Speaker 186 You'll get it?

Speaker 32 Well, get it.

Speaker 186 You mean you will get it?

Speaker 115 Williams up, you motherfucker. Get it.

Speaker 164 Antonio, give me one. Wow, the fucking test.

Speaker 164 You got it?

Speaker 46 Do that one more time.

Speaker 5 Do that little laugh for us.

Speaker 56 Did you get it?

Speaker 76 Let's try it.

Speaker 39 Hit it.

Speaker 170 Oh, well.

Speaker 164 Antonio White, Russia.

Speaker 78 Antonio White.

Speaker 106 Facts.

Speaker 83 Do you have any questions for one of the greatest wide receivers, football players of all time, William?

Speaker 22 William is a sports fanatic and the legend of the show.

Speaker 218 How old were you when you figured out you could catch a football real good?

Speaker 169 That's a great question.

Speaker 103 That is a great...

Speaker 216 because it could be hard to catch footballs.

Speaker 129 I remember my hands were so small growing up, I couldn't catch the fucking football. When my dad would throw it to me, my hand had really small hands, Antonio.

Speaker 90 Yeah,

Speaker 28 he has famously tiny hands.

Speaker 129 Yeah, I have these tiny little hands.

Speaker 5 I don't even like showing them to people.

Speaker 108 There we go.

Speaker 86 We got it.

Speaker 132 Antonio, did you always play football when you were in high school and grade school and everything, right?

Speaker 164 I always played football.

Speaker 164 Football, you know, football.

Speaker 78 Ball, football, ball, football.

Speaker 89 Where do you think you get your hilarious sense of humor from?

Speaker 78 Ball, football, you ball, football.

Speaker 120 That is the correct answer.

Speaker 123 That is straight CTE.

Speaker 103 A fun fact is that a lot of the best comedians of all time, Roseanne Barr, Sam Kennison, Richard Pryor, all had extreme brain trauma.

Speaker 35 A little fun fact.

Speaker 72 This is an actual fact.

Speaker 3 Roseanne wasn't hilarious until she got hit by a car.

Speaker 189 Same with Sam Kennison.

Speaker 3 I do believe he was hit by a car or something crazy like that.

Speaker 149 You're in good company, Antonio.

Speaker 185 There are no coincidences here.

Speaker 76 I used to do pro wrestling.

Speaker 30 We would jump off of trampolines and literally land on my fucking head all the time.

Speaker 174 I'm, you know, a perfect example.

Speaker 93 Red Band never hit his head on anything, that's why you could tell.

Speaker 23 I always open the freezer right in my face sometimes.

Speaker 129 And Antonio, people, not a lot of people know this, but Red Band's mom and I, who's kind of elderly now, we have sex with each other.

Speaker 82 What do you think about that?

Speaker 199 Antonio, he's got like this old-ass mom, and we fuck each other whenever I'm in Ohio.

Speaker 88 Hey, what is that?

Speaker 168 I got you a present.

Speaker 154 Oh, Red Band got you a present.

Speaker 5 What is that? Really?

Speaker 66 What is that?

Speaker 93 Open it up, William.

Speaker 112 Snuffleuphagus?

Speaker 216 I'm going through this weird snuffleuphagus phase right now, Tony, and this is perfect. Red Band, thank you.

Speaker 60 That's adorable.

Speaker 114 Welcome.

Speaker 129 I regret telling Antonio about your mom and I. Seriously, I really do.
You had to gave me a present tonight.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 108 That is

Speaker 104 adorable.

Speaker 38 Snuffleuppagus from Sesame Street.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 164 Take your mom, pussy.

Speaker 129 Antonio, would you ever be willing to travel with me up to Ohio to have sex with Red Band's mom?

Speaker 152 Seriously.

Speaker 15 That would be great.

Speaker 199 Like, maybe that's when I start drinking again.

Speaker 129 We can maybe do a sex tape or something with this mom.

Speaker 182 Would you be open, maybe?

Speaker 143 That sounds like a yes to me.

Speaker 164 I'll pass on that pussy.

Speaker 83 Normally he catches, but tonight he passes.

Speaker 115 William, what else?

Speaker 216 Oh,

Speaker 199 you don't want to know, Tony.

Speaker 169 Oh, boy, that's a first.

Speaker 202 I've never gotten that response.

Speaker 170 Do you remember the

Speaker 218 little toy?

Speaker 129 They have little pieces Legos. Yes.

Speaker 107 Well,

Speaker 129 I have been looking on eBay and I've been finding all of my classic Lego sets that I've had and I've spent over the past, I think, month, all this rowing. I've the endorphins are flowing.

Speaker 129 I've spent over $15,000, Tony, on old Lego sets. They're all unopened.

Speaker 137 What are you going to do with them?

Speaker 129 I kind of regret bringing it up, Tony. I don't really.

Speaker 5 No, I like this.

Speaker 131 I like it. I like it.

Speaker 189 $15,000 in unopened Lego sets.

Speaker 33 sets. Are you going to play with them?

Speaker 218 Yeah, I think we're going to open them up.

Speaker 218 Antonio, this is what happens, man.

Speaker 129 I come up here and I just start bombing, and it's just like turns into this nightmare. Like, it was fun at the beginning, and now it's like I'm bombing up here right now.

Speaker 129 And I've snuffle upigas under my arm. I feel like I'm looking like an idiot in front of your ass.

Speaker 199 You're saying you don't want to fucking fuck Red Band's mom with me.

Speaker 136 I can't believe you wouldn't be willing.

Speaker 39 I'm not going to let you for any of this, dude.

Speaker 39 You are so sad.

Speaker 6 You can tell him anything, dude.

Speaker 39 He's wearing a military helmet.

Speaker 114 He's at 17 joints.

Speaker 6 Let it out.

Speaker 140 Let him know what you feel, dude.

Speaker 196 No shot. He's remembering where he was.

Speaker 129 Antonio, I love you, man.

Speaker 164 I love you, bro. I'm so sick.

Speaker 147 Give me a hug, bro.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Antonio Brown and the big red machine

Speaker 14 that is together they are the big brown machine make some noise for the great William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 14 and make some fucking noise for the great Antonio Brown at AB84

Speaker 14 crashoutbuckets.com

Speaker 84 over it over its party that's That's is that your

Speaker 101 what is that Antonio?

Speaker 3 What's the over its party?

Speaker 5 What did I write?

Speaker 103 Oh, Over It on Spotify.

Speaker 83 That's what I scribbled here.

Speaker 45 Over It is on Spotify.

Speaker 43 Antonio has a song.

Speaker 181 And go listen to it.

Speaker 189 It's on Spotify now.

Speaker 93 It's called Over It.

Speaker 100 I didn't even know you did music, but I bet it's the shit.

Speaker 56 Kill Tony.

Speaker 38 You're damn right, baby.

Speaker 62 We're doing it.

Speaker 184 Living the dream.

Speaker 188 Please follow him on Twitter, but I'm sure you already are at AB84.

Speaker 11 I swear to God, it's the funniest shit.

Speaker 143 He calls everybody gay, and it is hilarious.

Speaker 32 Cracker Awards.

Speaker 155 The Cracker Awards.

Speaker 122 We are hoping to one day win the Cracker Award for live podcast of the year.

Speaker 115 There's really no other competition.

Speaker 100 So we're hoping we'll get it this year at the awards.

Speaker 21 We're literally fingers crossed.

Speaker 109 How about one more time for the great Tommy Pope, everybody?

Speaker 48 Tommy to that.

Speaker 97 Tires season two.

Speaker 14 June 5th. Look at Dish on YouTube and stuff island available everywhere where podcasts are available.

Speaker 23 Thank you to Talkspace, Shopify, Via, and Built.

Speaker 100 This was their episode.

Speaker 163 PetersonAcademy.com.

Speaker 17 One more time for the great Jordan Peterson, everybody.

Speaker 14 The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in.

Speaker 94 It is awesome.

Speaker 14 The drawing from Chris Rogers tonight is me.

Speaker 101 Wow, that's a good one. Me.

Speaker 15 Look at my eyes and that.

Speaker 10 I'd be wearing sunglasses and that, too.

Speaker 69 Can we draw some sunglasses on those eyes?

Speaker 175 God, that actually...

Speaker 88 Check out the sunsetstripatx.com.

Speaker 34 I love you guys.

Speaker 10 We love you guys so much.

Speaker 14 God bless America.

Speaker 153 We did it again.

Speaker 14 We'll see you next week.

Speaker 153 We love you. Good night.

Speaker 214 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 214 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 215 When you need a break, skip the scrolling. Visit myprize.us.
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#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE

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Transcript

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