#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony huge announcement I am doing stand-up comedy in Madison Square Garden Friday August 15th this is a stand-up comedy show featuring me and the killers of Kill Tony all your favorite regulars and stand-up comedians from the show doing guest spots on it.

The artist presale is this Wednesday at 10 a.m and it goes till Friday, May 2nd.

The special password is Tony25.

That's Tony25, all one word.

Local pre-sale starts Thursday, May 1st at 10 a.m.

Also, the ticket drop for the Kill Tony tapings at the mothership is this Tuesday, April 29th at noon.

This is your warning.

Those tickets are available at comedymothership.com.

The tickets for the killers of Kill Tony plus Tony Henchcliff at Madison Square Garden on Friday, August 15th are available at tonyhenchcliffe.com.

And there's still a few tickets available for the huge stand-up comedy show at Resorts World Saturday, May 10th at 8 p.m.

Those tickets are available at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

So Vegas, New York City, and Austin, Texas, the chambers are loaded and ready to be shot off.

Go to the respective websites and buy tickets and see.

stand-up comedy and the new tapings of Kill Tony upcoming for the months of May, June, and July at comedymothership.com, the stand-up shows at TonyHinchclip.com.

Now, a brand new episode of the number one live comedy podcast in the world.

This is Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Back coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get it for Tony Hitchcliffe!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

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And indeed, it is the best damn band in the land right there.

You saw it live in the flesh.

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John Dee's on the keys, ladies and gentlemen.

And this beautiful little camper right here on the base is D-Madness live in the flesh.

This is indeed Kill Tony brought to you this week by Blue Chew and Nicked Nicotine Pouches.

What an amazing episode we have.

There's chaos in the room.

A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head.

He's so excited.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Very, very excited about this one, ladies and gentlemen.

Sometimes we have repeat gas, sometimes we have noob gas, sometimes we have big famous celebrities, sometimes we have funny motherfuckers.

This is one of the latter episode.

This is the debut.

of both of these guests on panel.

Two of the funniest humans in the world.

Two guys that I've wanted to get on forever.

And it just so happens they're on together here tonight.

Make some fucking noise for Chris O'Connor and Tim Butterly.

Oh, yeah.

Chris O'Connor.

Tim Butterly.

Oh my God.

Chris O'Connor.

Tired Season two coming out June 4th.

His podcast, Stuff Island.

Welcome to the show, Chris.

It's good to be here.

Thanks for having me.

Absolutely.

And Tim Butterly, welcome.

That was a very polite response from your audience after all that buildup.

Hey guys, I'm Tim.

Nice to meet you.

Tim Butterly's show, Dad Meet.

He's on tour, TimButterly.com.

It is your guys' first time on the show, which is absolutely crazy.

I know.

It's pretty exciting.

I had planned to get a good night's sleep last night, you know, have a quiet Sunday, and instead I got incredibly drunk at the Masters.

Yep.

I was at the Masters while Rory was making history.

I was laying in the grass farting

300 yards away from whatever he was doing.

My farts got a big roar from the crowds.

Hell yeah.

Well, you look great.

You don't look hungover or inflamed whatsoever.

So this is going to be awesome.

We're happy to have you.

Since it's your first time, I should tell you, 275 people signed up for the chance to get on this show tonight.

If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear.

This guy has a tattoo of a spider behind his ear, so I'm going to let him pick the first one right off the top.

Look at that.

Yeah, looks good to me.

And the show shall begin.

To start tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner making his third ever appearance on the show.

Can't think of a worse time for that to happen, Dees.

Really wasted that one tonight.

Leaning on your keyboard, just high and falling asleep as usual.

It's

kind of crazy at this point.

You would think you'd be able to survive five minutes into the episode without doing something absolutely stupid, but there you are.

There you are, high and tired.

John Dees, his debut album, High and Tired, coming out soon.

Or you can see it live on the show every Monday as he falls asleep leaning against sound effects on his keyboard.

He wears sunglasses because he literally falls asleep during the show.

Going up first tonight, the third ever appearance of a golden ticket winner that we like around here.

Let's see how the third minute goes.

The comedy styling is one minute uninterrupted going to Colin Sledge, everybody.

Here we go.

Okay, thank you.

So when I was in middle school, my Texas history teacher, Mr.

Gomez, used to tell us all the time, you don't know how good you have it in America, because back home in Mexico, my family has to jack off horses for money.

And I was confused.

I was like, where are the horses even getting the money?

so

my parents want grandkids, right?

And I don't really want to give them grandkids, so I thought I'd give them the next best thing:

a homemade cream pie video.

You know, my parents hate to see me coming.

Okay, so I'm in therapy now, right?

And

my therapist asked me recently if I ever had any homicidal thoughts.

I was like, I ain't gay.

You ever say that shit again, I'll fucking kill you.

Oh, yeah, thanks, y'all.

Boom.

Colin Sledge.

Smart, funny.

Such a serious man, Colin.

You're having fun.

You smiled there.

I smiled this time.

You did smile a little bit.

Look at you.

Adam Ray said, I'm pretty when I smile.

Adam Ray said that?

Yeah, the last time he said that.

Absolutely incredible.

How's life going for you, Colin?

It's been okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Should I answer more?

Should I tell more of what I've been up to, or do you want to ask something?

Why did your therapist ask you if you're having homicidal thoughts?

Oh, that was made up.

That was a lie.

It's pretty believable.

Pretty fucking believable.

Do you see a therapist?

Well, my copay went from 50 to 90, so I haven't seen her in the new year.

Wow.

I emailed her my Kill Tony appearance, though.

You did?

Yeah, she says it was funny.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to go back soon, probably.

Okay.

It went from 15 to 90.

50 to 90.

50 to 90.

I don't know if you know this, my dear friend Colin Sledge, but the amazing people over at talkspace um

you can talk to a licensed provider typically within 48 hours just by going to talkspace.com slash tony and enter the promo code space80 to get 80 off your first month i love talk space yeah thanks red band

Thank you.

Absolutely.

Thank you for setting us up for that.

That's good.

That's good.

I could afford an extra 1,000 of your therapy sessions because of what I just said.

Thank you.

Colin, what goes on in your life?

Tell us,

you seem like you're built for comedy.

You seem like, you know, this is your thing, but I can't picture you doing anything else.

Do you do anything else?

Well, I still teach piano.

You do?

Yeah.

You teach piano.

Yeah.

Aww.

That's a murderer's job for sure.

Yeah, it is.

I got

one of my piano families found out about this.

Yeah.

The dad, who had never said anything other than like, hello and goodbye, was like, golden ticket?

Wow, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, and then his wife wanted me to demonstrate that I knew how to play piano.

Oh, boy.

That's tricky for you.

We've done that once before.

Turns out you get a little nervous.

Yes.

I did okay there, though.

Was it the husband or wife that was going to bet for you that you could be around the kids and it's okay?

It was, it was, the wife hired me.

Yeah.

What was the interview?

What was the interview like?

Well, they just got on referral.

They're like, hey, you're you teach piano to this other kid and she's good, so you can teach our kids.

That was it.

Yeah, it's pretty.

So nothing in person?

No, it was, I mean, I don't remember.

You don't remember?

Yeah, it was a while ago.

I mean, all piano teachers are probably like that, right?

Wouldn't you think so?

Yeah, that's serial killer tree.

Yeah,

I do get a pass for for being a little eccentric.

That's how I refer to it.

That makes sense.

Eccentric?

Yeah.

That makes sense.

I guess you could come across.

That's eccentric.

Yeah, piano tuners are the real serial killers.

Ah, very interesting.

I did not know that.

That's some inside piano stuff.

Yeah.

Because they're like piano people, but they can't even deal with other people.

They just need to be alone for like

the entire time.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

I'm sure the piano people listening to the show are cracking up right now.

Colin, we love you.

Great set.

There you go.

You got it started.

The show has begun.

And now to the bread and butter of the show.

The beautiful, beautiful bucket.

Oh my God.

I mean, unbelievable.

What a sight for tired, weary eyes.

It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, back to the bucket, or to the bucket for the first time.

We're going to meet this person all together and find out all about their life.

Let's meet him.

He goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted going to Josh Gideon Josh Gideon

Have y'all ever broke y'all straw while trying to open it

and it ruins your drinking experience

Do you think babies feel the same way when sipping on pierced nipples?

Is that the

Because they got to take the piercing out, right?

And when they do, you think it comes out in three like a Bellagio fountain?

Is that the logistics?

I don't know.

A little bit by myself, I am half Haitian.

And y'all heard what Trump said, how we eat pets.

I'm also half Korean.

So I guess you could say I really got that dog in me.

Who knew a Haitian dad and a Korean mom would make a beige Hawaiian punch guy?

I'm over here looking like crouching tiger hidden nigga

Fuck it

Josh Gideon.

Welcome welcome.

Hi Josh

For a second there, I didn't think you could say the n-word, but I guess the half-it Haitian allows it, huh?

I'd like to see you get away with that if you were just Korean.

I would have loved it.

I would have loved it.

It was clean.

John Dee's our senior N-word official

on the scene.

Absolutely incredible.

Very Korean to be dropping a word like that, but here you are.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

It was probably three years in May.

Where at?

I started out in Newport News, Virginia, and just moved out to San Antonio in October.

Okay.

You were in the middle of Virginia.

What do you do for work?

I work at Foot Locker now.

Wow.

Perfect.

Absolutely.

Does he look like a Foot Locker guy?

Doesn't it?

You walk into Foot Locker, you'd be like, this guy knows what the fuck he's talking about.

Yeah.

They cut your hair like that when you join the army.

Yeah.

They pick it out when you get hired at Footlocker.

Right, that's what I do.

Wow.

So you wear the referee shirt and everything.

That makes sense.

Half Haitian, half Korean, split black and white, right down the middle, wearing a referee shirt.

That makes sense.

Wow.

So you help people find shoes at a foot locker?

That's all I do.

Are you good at it?

I'm all right.

I could find shoes in a couple seconds, I guess.

Yeah.

Is that what you're asking?

Yeah, what would you recommend for a guy like Redband if he walked in there, if he's like, hey, everybody says I'm fat and ugly, and

I need new shoes, what would you say to him?

I'd recommend some sandals, I guess.

I don't know.

Wow.

Even why you guys have sandals there.

Okay.

What do you do for fun, Josh?

Play basketball.

Really?

Wow.

Okay.

Basketball and my lift weights started just now, recently.

Just started lifting weights.

Just now.

And you play basketball.

Have you played basketball your whole life?

Yeah, basically.

Okay, so you play basketball, you say the N-word.

Yeah.

How about the Korean side of you?

Still the N-word.

That's right.

What do you do that's Korean?

Any Korean activities?

I take off my shoes when I enter my crib.

Oh.

Very good.

I'm guessing your dad is the Haitian and your mom is the Korean, just getting absolutely fucking pounded and filled with just a huge Haitian cop.

Do you think about that a lot?

Do you think about how your mom is absolutely decimated, your innocent little Korean mother, just a sweet little lady, just absolutely getting

ravaged by your father's Haitian?

It's got to be every slow day at Foot Locker.

Just a mind prison.

Do you ever just see, are you ever at Foot Locker and you see a pair of extra long black socks hanging from the shelf and you're like, God, what my dad has done to my mother's pussy is terrible.

Never.

Wow.

My goodness, Josh.

So you live in San Antonio?

What made you go from Virginia to San Antonio?

So I got out the military.

I did four years in the Air Force.

Oh, wow.

What did you do?

Wow.

Amazing.

You went from the Air Force to Air Force Ones.

This is absolutely amazing.

That's right.

Absolutely incredible.

I didn't realize

crashing the planes.

The Korean side.

That's right.

I keep forgetting he's Korean.

Okay, so what did you do exactly in the Air Force?

I painted airplanes.

Wow.

Painted airplanes.

I worked on the F-22s.

It's painted gray.

Amazing.

Amazing.

That fucking rules.

That's like cool paint, isn't it?

I mean, isn't it like special paint?

I mean, there's metals in there, I guess.

Fuck you.

All right.

That's top secret paint, I think.

That's a cool fucking job.

What's your love life like, Josh?

You seem like a good-looking guy.

Are you Haitian with the ladies, or are you more Korean?

You little shy guy?

Yeah, I'm very shy.

I'm very Korean, I guess you could say.

Ah, very shy.

That's where the Korean side comes out.

All right.

But yeah, I'm single, but I'm not really putting myself out there for real.

Okay.

Well, like with the last date that you went on, like, what was that like?

Where how'd you find that person?

How'd that go?

I haven't really gone on a date like that for real.

I haven't even gotten a date since high school.

Really?

When's the last time you kissed a girl?

I mean, I fucked.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

There you go.

Well,

you blew that one, buddy.

You had a Could have had a fun time coming your way, but you want to brag about going straight to fucking?

I don't date.

I just insert my dick right into a woman when I meet her.

Absolutely incredible, Josh.

I think that's called rape.

That's consent.

Wow, you really are Haitian after all.

Incredible.

Is that a Haitian thing?

No, don't do that.

No, no, I don't want that.

This isn't a fucking one-man show.

Anything else crazy we should know about you?

No, just shit land there.

Doing comedy.

What do your parents think about you doing this?

They're actually high-key supportive.

You know, what?

They're high-key supportive.

They're supportive.

High-key?

High-key.

High key.

It's the ancient Korean art of supporting your son.

Start reading a fucking book sometime, Tony.

We are literally high key of you.

Selling Nike, we are hikey.

There you go, buddy.

Congratulations.

Welcome to Kiltony.

That is your first bucketful of the night, Josh Gideon.

And the show shall continue.

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And here we go.

She goes by the name of Audrey Scott, everyone.

60 seconds uninterrupted.

Going to Audrey Scott.

I'm very good at Spanish.

Hola.

But I can't roll my R's.

Unless I'm saying the N-word.

And everyone's like, oh my god, she can roll her R's.

It's a distraction.

I'm going to be honest with y'all.

I don't like child porn.

So funny about that, you freak.

Right, because every time I watch it, right?

Every time I shove that flash drive right into my fucking PC to watch my CP,

acting's too immature.

Kids are always like, oh, where am I?

I'm hungry, grow up.

It's show business, baby.

How the fuck did you think Bieber made it?

He got ushered into the diddying.

Baby, baby, baby oil.

Diddy did it?

Hot take.

The brand of the baby oil was Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson.

And

that's it.

Thank you.

Okay, Audrey Scott.

Welcome, Audrey.

Hi.

You look like a half-Korean that was in the Air Force.

But surprisingly, I'm guessing you're not the half-Korean.

Because I'm from Virginia, my dad was Air Force, and that guy just stole my whole thing.

Yeah, your whole story.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Sucks.

Should have kamikazed, you know.

Yeah, well, there you go.

Hi, Audrey.

Hello.

Do you need a backup identity?

maybe go for journalist covering a race war?

It's my side job.

Top 10 side hustles of 2020.

Audrey, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Five and a half years.

Five and a half years.

Wow.

What do you do for work?

I bartend at Roscoe's Comedy Club, and I produce, I host mics there, and I produce some shows.

And then I also make sandwiches during the day, and I do voice acting as well.

Oh, so you make sandwiches during the day?

Okay.

Correct answer.

Just had to do a little digging there, get around all the bullshit

that you definitely don't make money doing.

And then there we found it right at the end.

12-hour shifts of sandwich making.

I love it.

It's less than that.

I love it.

Okay.

Five and a half years, all of it here in Austin.

No, I started in Virginia.

I started in the mountains.

You really?

It's another Virginia to Texas transfer.

That really is incredible that that happened back to back like that.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's your favorite sandwich to make?

It's called a wreck.

It's a Pot Belly signature sandwich.

You get a portion of salami.

Yeah.

Shout out to Potbelly, man.

I host a show with him every week.

It's the best open mic in Austin.

Free sandwich on the way.

Yeah, it's roast beef, salami.

turkey, ham, and then Swiss cheese on top.

It goes pretty hard.

Actually, that's amazing.

Amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

Adrian?

Sauces on that too?

I've been hula hooping recently.

I got a hula hoop at Walmart while I was buying roach poison for roaches in my house because

I have roaches in my house.

They're really bad.

But the hula hoop's been like really helping out.

Okay.

Yeah.

Have you learned any queer tricks yet?

Nah, not like the EDM, like slutty level yet, where I'm like, you know, we're just wearing sequins and shit, but I'm getting like an hourglass figure from it.

I just go like this in my backyard.

What kind of tricks should she know?

You can like throw it and catch it.

Yeah, dude, there's a whole fucking show you can do with that.

Yeah, you can hoop it everywhere.

I can do that.

You're still just working on the hips, though, it turns out.

I can do the neck and the arm, but now I'm mastering the hips.

So it's a new challenge.

Get rid of that thing.

Get rid of that thing.

It's the worst person at every festival.

Hula hoop lady.

Why?

It's the fucking hula hoop.

Dude, it's not, it's a really good exercise.

I don't want to go to the fucking gym and get filmed by an influencer.

Like, I have a sweaty fat person on infusion.

This is correct here.

The hula hooper is

one level away from the person with like the ball on the rope.

It's just like a side thing.

I don't identify as a hula hooper.

That would be weird.

That's what I'm saying.

You got to get rid of it now.

Yeah.

Maybe.

I'll do pogo stick or unicycle or something.

Pogo stick actually pretty cool.

They scare me, man.

Pogo stick.

I've never been mad at someone on a pogo stick.

I'm not really?

Have you ever seen someone on a pogo stick?

Yeah.

But I was happy.

Maybe it was just good or something.

Let's talk about the cockroaches, Audrey.

You know, you let them.

I didn't cause them, man.

There was this bitch named Suzanne who lived in my house before me.

And she left like a whole fridge of organic food in the house and just left it.

And then that's the thing.

Did you make sandwiches out of it?

No.

you think I make sandwiches after getting off work making sandwiches that would be psychotic that would just be I don't hate myself that much

that much all right I have a line I hula hoop but I don't make sandwiches for myself after I make sandwiches but it's just we left all this fucking product of like cabbage and like organic steak and now there were roaches in the fridge let's in the fridge in the fridge they were in the fridge how do they get in the fridge they i don't i don't know i don't i don't know what's going on and i spray them all the the time and I live with like a hippie who doesn't want to like kill everything and I want to bomb the whole house and he won't let me.

He won't let me.

Yeah, it's bad.

It's so bad.

And you know, if a cockroach goes in your ear, it can't go backwards.

So it just goes into your fucking head.

Have you had a cockroach?

You know, I don't know, but it's scary to think about.

Heidi, bring out the scope.

We're having the first ever ever kill Tony ear roach off.

Let's go.

Let's go.

This is incredible.

It's bad.

It's really bad.

If you had to guess how many roaches you see on an average day or night.

Oh, my God.

It's so bad.

I can't go in my kitchen because my room is clean.

Because believe it or not, like my room is actually not a bad place to be in.

The kitchen's hell, but...

Doubtful.

Yeah.

I know.

That's why I said, believe it or not.

That's why I

asked or gotten an exterminator.

I've been begging for one.

I've been begging for an exterminator.

Yeah, but

the main roommate, like, he's the one who gatekeeps, you know, the information to the landlord.

I can't just directly talk to Dana for some reason.

Is that the landlord's name?

That's Dana.

Dana's my landlord.

Yeah.

Wow.

Dana,

if you're watching.

Was it an apartment?

I'm just standing outside my kitchen and laying my hoop hard enough to leave.

They're doing bug behavior to get his attention.

They're taking over.

Yeah, I even tried, like, I bought these Amazon.

Like, they were like, oh, we use like certain sound frequencies to get rid of them.

They just started dancing to the rhythm.

I swear to God.

Yeah, they just liked it.

They just had a senior cockroach correspondent, Brian Redband, says that does not work.

He would know.

There's anybody that has food scattered around his kitchen.

But I would say on average, I see fucking 12 a day.

Oh, wow.

And they're big and small.

They're the big ones and like the tiny ones.

I'm going crazy.

My God.

I'm going insane.

You you should see how many live ones you can fit into a sealed envelope and give that to the landlord yes

that's a great idea i don't want to touch like i love every other bug i'm a huge bug fan but they really

i sprayed one 20 times it took me 20 times to spray one with poison for it to die

okay

well

audrey Absolutely incredible.

Thanks.

Here's a

here's a little joke book.

You don't want that.

Here you go.

No.

There she goes, Audrey, ladies and gentlemen.

On to the next one we go.

On to the next one.

This looks like an interesting name.

Oh my goodness.

There she is.

The one and the only Heidi.

Look, just making this stage nice, fixing the logo halfway.

Halfway fix of the logo.

Just

a few degrees away from a perfect turn of the logo.

But she tried, you know what I mean?

Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name.

Make some noise for Neil Rubinstein, everybody.

Neil Rubinstein.

Ooh.

Everyone's good?

We're good.

All right.

Yeah.

Nuz, yeah, no, I get it.

Because you guys saw me, you're like, this guy ain't afraid of nothing, you know?

And then you heard me.

And you're like, oh, he's afraid of the dark.

That's what that is.

I was told, I sound like the person I look like I kidnapped.

I'm doing all right, okay.

I don't mind being a big guy, you know, usually pretty safe, right?

Like, I remember one time I was walking in Brooklyn, and this is before Brooklyn was a yoga studio, you know, so

streets are so riddled with crime and gluten.

And this dude popped out to mug me, and I was like, nah, man, get the next guy.

And he was like, okay, thank you.

I just scared him up.

I was like, this is mint.

Everyone should give this a shot.

Oh, all right, cool.

You are adorable, Neil Rubenstein.

Is it Rubenstein or Rubenstein?

Whatever's comfortable.

Okay.

I love it.

it.

That's a good answer.

All right.

Good answer.

Just spell it right, you know?

Yeah.

Incredible.

So you're Jewish?

Yeah, yeah.

And you're also a deli.

That's incredible that you could be both.

You're a Jewish deli all under a one-stop shop.

I don't get that, but

it is because you're filled with food.

Oh, yes.

Oh, a very good.

You truly are a Rubenstein.

Yeah, great.

You are filled with Rubens, as in the sandwich that the cockroach girl makes during the day.

Yes.

That was a callback.

Yes, indeed.

Thank you.

Look at you.

Yeah.

He's killing it.

I love it.

Neil, you're very funny.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

10 years.

I love it.

I could tell.

We're at.

What the fuck was that?

I started in New York and I live here now.

Well, I'm staying here now.

I don't know if I live here, but we'll see.

Okay.

How long have you been here?

Since January.

Okay.

Do you like it?

I like the city very much.

I liked it as like when I would visit the scene, I liked the scene.

But now that I'm like, because when you're like visiting, they're like, oh, come do my show, come do my show.

And now that I'm here, they're like, well, fuck you, dude.

But it's all right.

I like it.

We like you.

Thanks.

We like you.

Cool, man.

Other people,

anyone who does that's just afraid that you're going to be funnier than them or something like that.

Well, yeah, I like to think that, but who knows, you know?

You're adorable.

You're so likable and hard to do.

All right, no, it's good.

No, it's good.

All right, cool, cool, cool.

I don't know what to do here.

I don't know whether to roast you or snuggle with you, Neil.

Look, cutie pie.

Snuggle.

Snuggle.

Do you have any dark secrets?

I have so many dark secrets.

Yeah, let's find out about them.

Darkest thing about you.

I don't know, man.

There's so much I try to leave that behind, you know?

Just trying to fix the things I broke, you know?

Like the floor.

Furniture.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mostly patio furniture.

Yeah.

that's my dating profile.

It says, I'll break your lawn furniture.

Amazing.

And is that Tinder or grinder?

Both.

I love it.

What do you do for work, Neil?

I had been a full-time comedian.

Uh-huh.

But

sort of still doing that.

But I, you know, you got to side hustles now because everybody.

What are some of your side hustles?

I just PA, like, not PA, like personal assistant stuff.

I used to tour manage bands, so I have have like that skill set.

So I help out a bigger comic on like some of their scheduling and itineraries and stuff.

Very cool.

Yeah.

We like that.

Yeah.

That's cool, Neil.

Keep it around, you know.

What do you do for fun?

You got hobbies?

Yeah, like

baseball.

What do you like about baseball?

I just, I think it's a wonderful sport.

I think it involves athleticism and

strategy.

Nachos and helmets.

and peanuts and cracker jacks,

baby back ribs.

Yeah,

I like going to baseball games because I can have someone rub sunblock on me.

Yeah, absolutely.

You a Yankees?

Yankees or Mets?

Mets.

Okay, look at that.

You have a Mets tattoo.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely Absolutely incredible.

I don't think I've met a bigger Mets fan.

Bigger in size or in.

That's all I know.

I'm not that big.

I'm actually wearing Mr.

Mets' head under this shirt right now.

You said you're not that big?

What are you trying to say?

No, I'm saying, like, there's...

I mean, I'm tall.

Yeah, yeah, that's what we're talking about.

I'm not like using a rascal fat.

I still fit in the booth at Applebee's.

Like, I just, I'm just a.

That's a great

measurement system.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, airplane bathrooms are difficult, but fucking who

absolutely.

Yeah.

You have trouble?

No, he does not.

I'm dare like.

You are three Carlos Sosas worth of human.

Don't look at my band.

That's the cut.

I'm just saying, like,

don't compare yourself to my band.

Don't you dare.

Over here, Neil.

Over here, you son of a bitch.

I like them so much, though.

They're great.

They really are.

I kind of look like

I'm Red Man back from the future to tell him to

do it.

There's still time.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Oh, you know how to tickle my heart, Neil Rubenstein.

Red Man, that's your looper.

You have to kill him.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It is your destiny.

Absolutely incredible.

Neil is a baseball hat away from being the new co-host of Kill Tony.

This is incredible.

I couldn't fill those shoes.

I'm sorry.

Well,

we know a guy that works at Foot Locker.

We'll find out about that.

Neil, tell us more about your life.

Oh, man.

I don't know.

I don't know where to start.

You've been married?

Yeah, married, no kids, raised by wolves.

What do you mean, raised by wolves?

Ah, my parents, you know, everyone's got a thing.

I played with played and toured with some rock bands, and then when you say you played with some rock bands, what do you mean?

What did you do?

I was just in a hardcore band a long time ago.

What did you do?

Sang?

Playing?

You sang?

Let's play some hardcore music.

How many of you want to hear Neil sing a little bit?

Oh, no, you have to.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

Come on, Neil.

Look that way.

Come on.

I have a tiny voice.

Hold on.

All right.

Stop, stop, stop.

I have a tiny little voice now.

What are you talking about?

Don't pull a fucking Val Kilmer on us right now, motherfucker.

I destroyed my voice.

Did you not always sound like this?

No, no.

I destroyed my voice.

He damaged his vocal cords.

Tony,

he's technically disabled.

Finally!

Can I get one of those little placards for my car?

What, what?

What?

The guy is just saying, sing.

Sing!

Did you miss the whole thing?

We just did a thing about not doing that.

My

goodness.

So what happened to your voice exactly?

Just screaming a lot, you know, growing up.

So you can't sing anything anymore?

I can't really get louder.

Like,

I can do a little bit of projecting, but I can't sound cool.

You used to sound cool?

Maybe?

It depends.

Were you screaming kind of like screaming and shouty?

A lot of shouty.

Did you sound like this when you had to quit the band?

No, no.

Hey, guys, I don't know if I can sing my fucking shit up anymore.

It's been real, guys.

Peace out, everybody.

I gotta hit the bricks.

Did the

tattoos come before or after you lost your voice?

After.

that makes sense i think like i started them

and then

yeah i started late though i didn't start getting tattooed till like early 20s right you gotta look scary what was the name of the big big band you were in i wasn't in a big i am on a taking back sunday record to taking back sunday record

but just like background screaming not like i'm not a member but i have a platinum record which is nice okay what's that a platinum record yeah no back in the day platinum But what is the name of the record?

Back before.

Where you want to be and tell all your friends.

Wow.

And that's under your name, Neil Rubenstein.

I'm on, I mean, I'm not a member of the band, but I'm on the record.

And like, yeah, I mean, if you Google me, yeah, they're up there.

A lot of us know Taking Back Sunday.

Could you even just maybe give us like a hum of the part that you were on?

Yeah.

It's the brand new lyrics.

Oh, no.

I did that.

What do you mean?

They were like,

this song is about just the fuck is that?

Somebody shut that fucking lady up back there?

Jesus.

How do I have to say that?

How many times would she have to just be annoying before somebody sends somebody the fuck back there?

Jesus fucking Christ, people.

That's 17 staff members just fucking watching.

Okay.

Would someone please mosh that lady right now?

Literally begging for it.

Spin kick that broad.

So annoying.

So, what were the lyrics?

What is the lyrics?

It's

have another drink and drive yourself home.

I hope there's ice on all the roads.

And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt.

And again, when your head goes through the windshield.

Let's go.

Hell yeah.

Wow.

A fucking classic.

Wow.

I was a bad guy.

What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Go back to sleep.

Red band.

You know, I don't have a secret show this week because of Moontower, but if you're in town next Thursday, I would love to have you on the secret show.

There you go.

And you know what else?

I am flying to Milwaukee for shows.

Wow, look at that.

Wow, ever since Minecraft, you have this big ego.

There you go.

I'll tell you what, Neil, I'm going to send you upstairs to the little boy, and you're going to perform in front of the booker of this club, Adam Egot, with 10 years of experience.

We'll see if you can buckle down and give him a good set.

You could be a regular old comedian here if you do good.

There goes Neil Rubenstein, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

Let's get another bucket pull up here, shall we?

All right, we know this young buck.

He He does work here.

Make some noise.

60 seconds uninterrupted going to Riley Gilmore, everyone.

Riley Gilmore.

The other day I got a sad ending massage.

They jizzed on me, so it was

fuck the fuck, dude.

Fucking Groupon.

Mom, can you pick me up?

Not going back there, but that place sucks.

I was thinking about that phrase, thoughts and prayers.

It's like people said after a tragedy, they're like, I send you my thoughts and my prayers.

I get sending your prayers, that makes sense.

But it's like, you want to send your thoughts?

So, yeah, I'm praying for your family

tits.

Thinking Thinking about getting a bike, what else?

Fucking might have lasagna later, but

lasagna titties, that'd be cool.

But

all right, that's it for me, guys.

Thank you very much.

Wow, an unbelievable minute from Riley Gilmore.

Incredible.

You've been on this show a few times, right?

Yeah, back in the 80s.

Hell yeah, it's been a long time.

It has been.

That was back in the Vulcan days, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How's it been going?

Dude, chill, bro.

I love it.

I don't know.

I love it.

Fantastic.

What else, Riley?

Tell us something interesting about you or your life that we would find.

I've been gardening.

Okay.

You guys fuck with that.

I don't know.

What are you growing over there?

Squash.

Whoa.

Berries, blackberries.

Wow.

Absolutely.

Yeah, so that's pretty much it.

Have you been eating your...

Almost.

They're almost ready.

How big is the squash right now?

A hot.

That's hot.

Yeah.

Remind you of anything.

Okay.

Yeah.

This is a great look for chasing children out of your berry farm.

I'm trying to keep those kids away.

They keep fucking.

Oh, man.

Mr.

Gilmore's looking through the window.

Let's get out of here.

Whoa, whoa, Ron, it's old man Gilmore.

Yeah.

But great set, man.

Thanks.

Get you guys up too.

That's one of the all-time great moments in this show's history.

That is the first

12 years, hundreds and hundreds of episodes, thousands of different guests and bucket pulls.

It is the first time anyone over there has asked us what we're up to.

It's a first time for everything, it turns out.

Yeah, okay.

Go with it, man.

We're podcasting.

We're podcasting, dude.

Just chilling.

Oh, hell yeah.

I love it.

Tell us about being a comedian in Austin.

Wow, it's a crazy life, you know.

Lots of pussy,

no, uh,

basically, I just have to take out the trash after you guys leave.

I don't know,

I do see you doing that a lot.

Yeah, I love it.

You are like the trash guy.

Do you ask for that?

Do you ask for that?

Yeah, no, they promoted me.

I used to work recycling, but

no, I just love it.

You know, I love cleaning.

And so

I'll get you later, bro.

I got you.

Oh, yeah.

I used to be a trash guy.

I love being the trash guy.

Fuck you.

Yeah, dude.

I would sneak beers out when I was taking the trash out, and I would just drink.

Oh, yeah, dude, by the trash.

Fucking, you got to squirt it at the end.

Smoke a cigarette by the trash.

I've never been a trash guy, but I was known as the garbage guy a couple months ago

in the news.

Nice.

Riley, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life.

I can do a good lion impression.

Oh, this is very exciting.

Let's get the lighting right.

Kino, hit us with that single spot.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever time in the show's history where we've had an impression of a lion.

Riley is very excited.

He has a lion's mane filled with

carrot tops pubic hair

lining his chin.

There's nobody better to do a lion impression than him and this is that moment Riley Gilmore does his lion

and this is what it sounds like

okay I guess it's a all right

thank you thank you very much it's more of a more of a snake perhaps dark fader getting hit in the nuts

I need to drink more water yeah

it's a very parched lion.

Let me, can I try it again?

Yeah, you want some, you want some.

This guy's offering some water?

Yeah.

Yeah,

no, the stranger in the front row.

Thanks, bro.

There it is.

Some fucking $15 water right here.

Should be very good.

You're not lying.

All right, here we go.

Oh,

God.

This is...

This sounds like fucking Neil Rubenstein adjusting his sleep apnea mask in the middle of the night.

I'm not even that big.

I mean, I'm not even that big.

Here he is doing the lion one more time.

Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen.

This is Kill Tony, and this is Riley Gilmore's lion.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

It was so good in the lobby.

All right, that's it.

This is it.

Man, he had it right up until the lion impression.

God damn it.

Fuck.

I think we got to sanitize that microphone.

This guy lost his lion voice.

What lyrics did you write for Taking Back Sunday?

All right, let me try to save it.

I'll do an owl.

Okay, all right.

Well, you know what happens here, ladies and gentlemen.

If your lion ain't working, go with the owl.

We've never had this before.

Hundreds of episodes.

Tens of thousands of hours.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever owl impression in Kiltoni history.

Brace yourselves for the owl of Riley Gilmore.

Wow.

We're getting word.

We are up for the first ever podcast, Sammy.

Unbelievable.

Riley, I would love to have you on the secret show next week.

week.

Thanks, Brad.

You have one of these?

You already got one?

Yeah.

There you go, Riley Gilmore.

Wow, how much fun are we having tonight, huh?

This is a fun episode.

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And we have pure momentum.

So why don't we do something fun and special.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you right now one of the greatest regulars in the show's history.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time since he's been on the show.

Here to grace us with a new minute, Kill Tony legend, Kill Tony Legendary Regular.

Make some goddamn noise, sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim.

What's up?

It's good to be here.

Thank you, sir.

I am Hans Kim.

And I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas.

I'm Chinese.

So there will be a 145% tariff added to your bill tonight.

Take a good look at this shirt.

You're going to have to make it soon.

Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason.

It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail.

It's trying to get a mineral deal out of Ukraine.

What is this guy, Cam Patterson?

I'm not retarded, but I want your ox.

I blame the Democrats.

Why would you send a woman out against Trump?

This guy grabs women by the pussy.

He's got a finishing move.

He's 2-0 against women right now.

He's the best transgender athlete we have.

All right, that's my time.

Thank you very much.

That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim.

Hell yeah, Hans.

Welcome back.

Thank you, Tony.

A fantastic set.

It's good to be back.

Everybody loved it.

Absolutely amazing.

One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

Look at the way that you look at me.

Look how just perfect you are.

You're focused.

You're ready for anything.

Let's check in with the panel here.

Chris O'Connor.

What do you think about this?

I was just going to say, it's hard to see.

It's hard to see the way he looks at you.

It is incredible.

He looks like he's in round 15 of one of those old boxing matches.

His eyes are swollen shut.

It is absolutely incredible.

It looks like he's wearing like racist disguise glasses.

Hans, catch us up.

How's life been going for you?

It's been going pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, good to be back, you fuckers.

Whoa, geez, got a little attitude to him.

Don't know if I like that.

No, I'm just kidding.

We know.

Tell us about your life, Hans.

It's been a while since you've been on.

It's been great.

It's domestic material.

Been domesticated.

Yes.

I have a cat stroller now.

You have a what?

I have a stroller for my two cats.

Oh my god, that is incredible.

Raising them like veal.

Yeah, exactly.

How long?

I didn't even know you had cats.

Yeah, my girlfriend, she has a couple friends that can't take care of the cats, so they gave them to her.

So you have just formerly owned cats.

Yeah, used cats.

Used cats.

Just

sloppy seconds.

Just beat up pussy.

Are they nice?

Are they nice cats?

They're very nice.

They're great cats.

One's fat and old.

It's like a dog.

It's kind of dumb.

Huh.

Yeah.

I can see.

It's like us.

It's like us, Redman.

One's fat and old.

The other one gay as fuck.

Red Band, you got me.

Wow.

Boom.

I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Red Band giving thumbs up to the photographer.

It's an incredible moment.

Troy Conrad, world famous comedy photographer, right there in the moment.

Red Band's magic moment.

All right, Hans, catch us up with what else has been going on.

You have a cat stroller.

See, you walk your cats.

Yeah, they hate it.

Why do you do that?

It seems like they wouldn't like that.

They're house cats, right?

Yeah, but it's like every creature dreams of freedom, you know.

And it's like you're taking them out in a rolling prison, though.

They can't get out.

Yeah, there.

So, Connor, what do you think about this?

It's fucking psychotic.

Walking cats in a cage?

Also, what if someone sees you?

It's the gayest shit in the world.

Are you at all worried about your reputation?

The paparazzi saying, we got Hans TMZ.

We got Hans Kim walking two cats

down 6th Street.

I feel like that's content, you know?

It's like, you know,

breaking news.

She's up there with the hula hoop.

It is incredible.

Perhaps you can let the Hulu hoop girl borrow your cats and they can chase down the hundreds of cockroaches that she has.

Hans, anything else we should know about you before moving on?

I hung out with Heath yesterday.

We got drunk, Heath Cordez.

We love Heath Cordes around here.

Fresh off of playing Elon Musk's son on the Netflix Kill Tony.

Yeah,

he drinks a lot of alcohol.

He does.

This is not a joke.

That little shit

fucking pounds him down.

It was jello shots last night, which is weird, doing jello shots with someone that looks like a child.

Yeah.

It is.

It is crazy.

Heath's a fun guy to drink with, though, and he does.

He fucking throws him back.

It doesn't make much sense.

But the boy can drink.

He's a good guy.

He's a good guy.

Yeah, I put him in a Waymo, which is cool.

No driver?

Also, not a good look.

So he got trashed, and you just put him in the back of a driverless car?

Did you select the destination of that car?

Yeah, I controlled it the whole time.

Wow.

That is frightening.

And there wasn't enough room in the cat stroller?

Wow.

Tim Butterley.

I love it.

Hans, you did it again.

Fantastic fucking set.

Fantastic goddamn interview.

One of the legends of the Kiltoni universe.

Hans Kim.

Back to the bucket we go.

You know, Hans was found out of the bucket.

All of our regulars were ones discovered out of the bucket.

And your next comedian could be the next big discovery anything can happen back to the bucket we go it's a one-word name makes some noise for poncho everybody I do believe it's the kill tony debut of poncho

you know what's the worst time to be a f

when you're hiding it from your wife and kids

That's all you get for free.

Thank you.

Poncho, you have 34 seconds left.

You're killing.

If you're going to cheat on me, cheat on me with a lesbian.

You know why?

That way I know you really never got penetrated by a big, veiny, real dick.

Y'all were just playing with dildos and licking each other.

Yeah, I should have ended early.

No, no, no, you still have 10 seconds.

Poncho, do another joke, Poncho.

What's going on?

Do you know what show you're at?

Jesus, Poncho.

What kind of Mexican named Poncho tries to do one-third of the necessary work and then leave?

What the fuck is going on here, Poncho?

I'm doing this for free.

This is free!

This is what you get for free!

Yeah,

even if I was paying people that get pulled out of the bucket, I wouldn't give you anything right now.

True.

Okay, Poncho, let's talk about it.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Three and a half years.

Three and a half years, and you literally have 20 hot seconds of material.

Where were these three and a half years at?

LA, and

I actually performed part of my minute in front of you you when you were in Ontario.

You brought me up.

I was one of the people on the stage, and you're like, I can't believe you thought this was going to work.

And then everyone laughed.

And then, God, I don't remember this.

Yeah, I'll show him.

Because

you asked me, like, hey, what do you do for work?

And I'm like, I do comedy.

And you just laughed at me.

I do remember this.

Yeah, yeah.

And you gave me a minute

at the end of the show.

I gave you a minute.

Thank you.

Yeah,

that was bad then.

I remember now, Poncho.

Poncho.

This was many years ago, right?

Like two years ago.

It couldn't have been two years ago.

I remember

Rio Improv?

Ontario or the other one?

Brea or Brea.

My bad.

Okay, it doesn't really matter.

It doesn't matter.

Let's talk about it, Poncho.

What do you do for work?

Valet.

You're a real valet guy.

In Long Beach.

Long Beach.

I'm from L.A.

Okay.

So.

What's your favorite car to valet?

Driving the cars rough.

I love to do that.

Yeah, don't valet your cars because you get a Mexican like me to do it.

I don't care about my job.

Poncho.

Oh, that's it.

Poncho, poncho.

What's the nicest car you've ever taken a joyride in?

That's a good question.

Lamborghini Urus.

Oh my god, you drove somebody's fucking Lamborghini?

Yeah, and then I figured out it was just an Audi.

It just feels like an Audi.

So I would prefer an Audi R8, you know, like an RS?

Wow.

Yeah, over.

And what do you drive in real life?

A Toyota Solara.

2005!

Shit's clean.

Cling title.

It's just like an Audi.

No, no, no, don't compare it.

If it was up to Trump, you'd be Audi de Country.

So stupid.

I just came from Mexico.

I actually visited Mexico.

The Mexicans that are going to get deported, they're going to be all right, bro.

Mexico's awesome.

Okay.

Would you stay at a resort somewhere?

No.

What did you win?

An all-inclusive vacation?

You're like, this isn't bad at all.

I went to the rancho.

I went to the rancho to go visit my family.

My mom's from Tepit Nayari.

And she's nobody.

Tepit Nayari.

I hate when they switch like that.

Yeah.

Doing that fucking avatar talk.

Hey, Hiko, shut up.

My mother's from.

Where's your mother from?

Tepeat Nayari.

Wow.

It's close to

Puerto Vallarta.

What do you think is the most Mexican thing about you?

That's a good question.

I think it's I'm lazy.

Not his work ethic, says Michael Gonzalez.

I'm really lazy.

Michael throwing his own people under

La Autoboos.

Okay.

What else, Poncho?

Why do you go by the name Poncho?

Because so people won't confuse me by confuse me with Arabians or like any other brown.

You think people would think you're Arabian?

They do think I'm Arabian.

They think I'm hairy or something.

It's probably the laziness.

So I say poncho so people be like, oh, no.

The only time people would think you're Arabian is if they see you joyriding around in a Lamborghini.

Poncho, here you go, buddy.

Here's a little joke book.

Oh my goodness gracious.

Oh, and he gives the crowd the finger.

Poncho.

Poncho with a complete heel turn.

Oh

my god.

Poncho turning on the crowd.

Heidi is here to fix it.

Oh my goodness.

And then a hero comes along.

Poncho leaving with double birds.

Double Mexican birds.

For free.

Absolutely.

Absolutely incredible.

All right.

Yo, this is important, man.

Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're pacebreakers, the ones with all the pockets.

Well, I just got back from vacation, and I think I left them in my hotel room.

And, dude, I need to replace these shorts.

I wear them like every day with that Lulu hoodie you got me.

Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

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Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jordan Pablo, everyone.

Jordan Pablo, we're having fun here today from poncho to Pablo.

Hello, guys.

I couldn't tell my ex-girlfriend what I was into in the bedroom, because then none of her friends would wear open-toed shoes around me.

I've been in the closet for a long time about my foot fetish because I was smelling all the shoes.

Yeah, I don't know what you guys are trying to do when you meet the right lady.

I'm just trying to get off on the right foot.

I don't know.

Even when I get with a girl, I don't even know what to fucking do.

I was with this girl the other day.

She's like, choke me, choke me.

I'm like, is it that bad?

She's like, no, I've been bad.

I was like, no, you were great.

Thank you, guys.

Okay.

48 seconds of Jordan Pablo.

Jordan, welcome to the show.

Is this your first time here?

Yes, sir.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Five-ish years.

Five-five-ish years.

Where at?

Colorado.

What do you do for work?

Waiter back there.

Now I have no job.

DoorDash.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're a waiter back there now you have no job DoorDash so you live here now

trying to put this together in order that's a weird answer yes sir yes sir okay you live here yeah I just moved here how long have you lived here a week okay a week all right what have you seen

about the city what do you know what have you seen

I don't know if you're interested in a valet job

I don't know I did acid uh Wednesday and I went to the the little room over there and I was talking just like you.

I had no idea what I was fucking doing.

Wow.

Wow.

Well, that's the end of your career.

No, no, no.

All right.

Jordan, what do you do for fun?

I like to go see concerts, comedy shows, LSD.

Sometimes I try to talk to you.

Fucker.

Fuck.

Are you really into feet as much as you've implied?

No, I that's crazy.

You noticed that.

Like, I only like

no, I like, I like, I just want to give my girlfriend a massage after a long day.

Uh, my algorithm shows me a lot of them, uh, but other than that, I'm kind of, I don't know, I don't like this.

I just like that they're not into feet, but your algorithm's showing you a lot of feet.

Because you're staring at the pictures of feet

and liking them and messaging the girls.

yeah I don't know I like them but

like it's hard to admit that to any girls so I ease my way into it

I tiptoe into it

all right what else about you Jordan any hobbies or anything interesting

my my parents own cattle and the ranch in Mexico

are you Mexican I'm Mexican yeah okay

Okay.

What'd you think of the last guy?

Yeah, that's my cousin, yeah.

Okay, Jordan.

So you're door dashing.

How's door dashing going in Austin?

Horrible.

Like, the pin, like, is, like, just, like, way off.

I fucking never know which apartment number to go to.

The building numbers are just all...

Blah compared to Colorado.

Really?

Yeah, I think, I don't know.

They're not in like order here.

A weird order.

I don't know that I don't understand.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's interesting.

You find this to be a thing?

Are you doing it downtown?

Is that you're DoorDashing downtown?

No, freaking Northside.

A lot of stuff.

Flougerville?

Yeah, Flugerville.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

It's Red Band that you've been delivering.

The Duke of Doordash.

I love it.

Jordan, what's your love life like

in real life?

Oh, it's kind of bad.

I just like, I cling to girls.

I like, I find a girl and she likes me.

I pretend I love her and then I just

wow.

Yeah, it's kind of, I'm a coward.

I don't know how to admit what I actually like.

I don't know how to like, I'm afraid of conflict.

It's a dumb thing.

What's the furthest you've gone out of your comfort zone for these women?

Good question.

I don't know.

When I was 14 in Mexico, like,

were you like

it was a quiz on yet?

And, like,

my cousins were like egging me on.

They're like, you got to make the band dedicate a song to her.

And I was like, can you do that?

And I just met this girl, and they're like, he loves you very much.

And then they played like a really dirty, like, sex song.

It was super weird.

Yeah, that's the best I've done.

Wow.

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible, Jordan.

What's the last thing you do before you go to bed at night?

Smoke weed.

Really?

That's the last thing?

Smoke weed and talk to you.

Or no, watch.

Smoke weed and talk to me?

Is that what you just said?

Am I hearing this right?

Am I fucking tripping?

I'm starting to think this feet thing is really just cock.

Yeah.

He loves cock.

Yeah.

Tell these girls about your foot thing?

No.

No.

I just, I watch you.

I'm a huge fan.

I watch TikTok.

That's my last thing I do.

Yeah.

So you fall asleep watching this show.

Yeah, yeah.

Adorable.

Adorable.

You should have lied about that.

That's what you should have lied about.

Makes my dick hard, man.

Incredible.

Do your parents support you doing comedy?

They do.

They haven't heard a lot of my jokes, though.

How old are you?

25.

25.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

You're right on pace, Jordan.

Here's a little joke book for you.

There you go.

Congratulations.

On to the next one we go.

Ooh, it's some Mexican music.

They like Jordan.

That means the band likes Jordan Pablo.

Notice Poncho did not get that kind of treatment.

All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Dixon, everyone.

Gordon Dixon.

Make some fucking noise, Austin.

Let's go.

Florida is in the bill.

I just moved here from Florida.

Anybody from Florida in here?

There's three people in here that can't read.

That's what we...

I took a girl on a date yesterday.

She got a t-bone steak i ordered a fillette mcniggan that's how i knew

she's oh you're from florida i said bitch you racist anyways

austin's weird i've been here a year now uh i just found out that my roommates were swingers that's awkward

yeah i found out the hard way i woke up to them having sex on top of me that's not

whole room spent like booty hole on corn chips i knew

but i'm single so of course i you know what i mean i

Raw, too.

I didn't give a fuck.

That is what you do when you have old people with dementia.

That's what you do.

You fuck old people.

And after I came to my senses, I was like, listen, mom and dad, y'all got to get out of here.

All right.

That is.

I don't think I could get better than that.

That's my time.

I'm Gordon Dixon, yo.

Wow.

Gordon Dixon.

Fucking his own mother and father.

Win in Florida.

Win in Florida.

That is wild.

Florida man fucks parents.

Gordon, welcome to the show.

How long have you been doing comedy?

Almost six years now, July.

Six years.

Where at?

Florida.

Boy, that's a state.

Tampa.

I started in Tampa.

Tampa.

Side splitters.

Try out the side splitter.

You still live there?

No, no, I live here now.

I live here.

Okay, how long have you lived here?

About a year now.

What do you love about Austin, Tux?

Everything.

It's fucking crazy out here.

I love it.

Everyone's on some shit, so I'm on shit too now.

I do edibles now.

It's a good time.

Okay, everyone's on some

everyone's is on something okay what do you do for work i work at shakespeare's the bar over next door i'm a door guy bartender yeah amazing hell yeah hell yeah come see me okay what do you do for fun gordon other than edibles other than oh fuck i like karaoke i'm a karaoke guy terrible at singing but i like karaoke okay what's your go-to song oh fuck my go-to song is get low by uh flowrider and t-pain

because it's nothing better than a girl with apple bottom jeans with a booty.

That's what I'm saying.

It's a lot of dudes in the front, but there's some girls in the ass here.

I know it.

I know it.

There's at least three, the ones from Florida.

I know they got ass.

Can you do a line from this song for us?

Yeah, I can't.

I can't.

Shorty had them apple bottom GG's boots with the fur.

The whole club will look at her.

She hit the floor.

Let's hang it up.

Shorty got low, low, low.

Ow.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Just out of tune enough for us to not set off the algorithm on YouTube that will dock the entire payment of the episode and give it to

T-Pain.

Gotta love T-Pain.

Florida Payne, baby.

Florida Payne.

Tyler Haskell.

Okay.

What do you miss most about Florida?

The beaches.

I miss the beaches.

Y'all got nothing out here.

This shit is terrible out here for water.

What did you like to do at the beaches?

I like to just be on the beach.

I'm 40, so I like to watch people.

I'm a creepy old 40-year-old.

I'll just be...

Yeah, girl.

Especially when, and they got a thong in the ass, I'll be like, yeah, girl.

20 years ago, oh, fuck you.

Now I just beat off to the memory.

I'll be like, yeah, bitch.

This is wow.

Absolutely wild.

I love it.

Incredible.

Tim.

I'm not a watch guy.

Is that a very nice watch he's wearing?

That is a watch off of Amazon that looks like a very nice watch.

Am I right?

Yeah, it's a fake shop.

It's a fake shop.

It's F-shop.

That's what they call it.

Yeah, it cost me $10.

Fuck all y'all.

This shit look good.

He thought it was real.

I just want white people to think I have some real shit.

That's all I want.

Yeah.

No, I knew the second you came out here was the first thing I noticed.

I'm like, look at that fake ass watch, probably from Florida.

And there he goes.

I'm from Florida.

What's up?

It is.

Straight up.

Cam sold me it when I met him in Orlando.

Cam was like, I gotta watch for you.

You wanna watch?

I was like, I'll take it.

He didn't sell it.

Gordon, what's the craziest thing you've seen over at Shakespeare's right next door here?

Sixth Street is crazy.

This is is famously.

36.

This is insanity all the time.

I think a black blind guy is the craziest thing I saw.

No, I saw a homeless dude jerk off for 30 minutes outside.

30 minutes.

Outside of mothership, by the way.

And I had to, yeah, jerked off.

I was looking at him because I didn't know what the fuck he was doing.

And he was jerking off and looking at me.

And we made eye contact and came together.

That's how I knew this is Austin.

Lying to the people seeing you look at him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are you looking over there?

I just can't tell what he's doing.

It's crazy that a guy is horny enough to jerk off on 6th Street, yet not horny enough to come in under 30 minutes.

I know.

And I was watching him, too.

I feel like my eyes are good enough for you to come whenever I watch you.

That's crazy.

Well, I mean...

What was the last five minutes of that like?

It was ecstasy.

Were you hopeful?

Were you kind of like rooting for him to not finish?

I was hard as shit, so we were having fun together.

No, but seriously, did he come?

Did you see him?

I don't know.

I called the cops right off.

I was like, nuts, that's crazy.

It's funny Mitzies, man.

You disrespect your Mitzi like that.

That's crazy, bro.

30 minutes into it, you're...

I should probably call it cash, man.

It wasn't 30 minutes.

It was like 25.

But after that, it was like...

That's a no.

That's enough, bro.

Wow.

You got this big, bro.

I was like, you call that a dick?

I was like, let me show you a real dick.

Come on, I'm black when there were current counts.

Checked in at the 10-minute mark.

He's like, come on, dude, finish.

And he was still going.

The cops came before he did.

He stopped for the cops come.

He saw the cops come.

He was like, oh, let me put it away.

I was like, oh, I'm miserable now.

Wow.

I miss him.

He was a good guy.

Incredible.

And if you had to describe this guy, what exactly did he look like?

The guy missed him.

He didn't have that hat on, but I'm sure he had that tattoo right there.

He definitely had that tattoo.

That's him.

all right you want to do the secret show i'm like yeah keep going red man

i'll do it then

love you red man i've been in your green room don't kick me out the next time you see me no we like you gordon thank you you're a good guy uh what ethnicity are you

uh i'm i'm my dad is african and german and my mother is cape verdean which is an african and portuguese mix so i'm white and white, black and white.

Man, white and white, black and white.

Black and white.

I'm a white.

I'm half of you and half of him.

Where it is, if you two fuck, I'll come out.

That's what happens.

What do you think is the whitest thing about you?

My name, Gordon.

That is the whitest thing about me.

What do you think is the blackest thing about you?

Definitely my credit score.

It is 69.

Wow.

I will fuck my credit score.

Here you go, Gordon.

Thanks for swinging by.

There you go.

Oh, Jesus.

That's the whitest thing about you.

That's the whitest part about you.

The catching ability of Gordon Dixon.

We're having fun here tonight.

We are blasting through this episode.

Everything is running very smoothly.

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Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Patrick Christopher, everyone.

Here we go.

We still having fun out there?

Austin, what is up?

How you doing?

Hell yeah, man.

So I've been married for 12 years.

So I'm ready to start dating it again.

I want to know what love is, you know.

No, my wife's my best friend.

There's nothing sad about that.

But she makes jokes too.

She has jokes of her own, too.

You know, like anytime she's feeling her age, feeling old, she's like, oh, just trade me in already.

You know, just trade me in for a newer model.

Like, she's a car, right?

And I love my wife.

I would never trade her in.

I do want to get a rental, though.

You know, something fun,

something new to me.

Maybe something yellow.

A lot of people don't get that joke, man.

I had one lady yell out, what about a blue one?

I was like, how do you know I like choking bitches?

Fuck yes.

Patrick Christopher.

Hell yeah.

Thumbs up to the band.

Patrick.

Welcome, Chris O'Connor.

What do you think about this guy?

Patrick Christopher, I did not expect you to walk out.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

I get a lot of gigs that way.

Sometimes I think they're getting a black guy.

I was like, well, I say it.

All right.

I love it.

You're funny.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Seven years.

Seven years.

Where are you at?

San Antonio.

Okay.

Yeah.

Actually,

do y'all remember?

I did Kill Tony like seven years ago.

No, I don't remember.

Red Band knows.

We had a moment.

You guys remember each other?

Would you guys eat food together?

Eat food together?

Roast God, Tony.

And wouldn't you guys eat?

Writer of 13 Comedy Central Rose.

What did you eat?

All right.

Patrick, what do you do for work?

I work for a medical clinic.

I do insurance.

Yeah.

That's a lie.

No, no, no.

That's very true.

It's very sad.

Because I was doing comedy full-time and then I had to get a real job.

That's okay.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Your wife is also Latino?

Yes.

Latino, yes.

What does she do?

She's a server.

Okay.

Yep.

She's a Latina.

All right.

And you have kids?

No kids.

No kids.

Let me ask you something because this is a fucking anomaly.

How do two

married for 12 years Latinos not have kids?

I got her fixed after we got married.

Oh, okay.

You got her fixed or you got fixed?

No, I got her fixed.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Look at that.

She had cancer.

We had to deal with it.

Really?

Don't fucking back up now, bitch.

No.

12 years in remission.

Hell yeah.

Zero kids.

Zero kids.

So she had, what, ovarian cancer?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Was that tough to go through?

How long were you not allowed to fuck her for?

It's been 12 years.

You're a funny guy, Patrick.

Thank you, man.

Yeah.

My goodness gracious.

What do you like to do for fun?

When I'm not doing comedy, I play drums.

No fucking way.

No way.

A Mexican that plays drums and is funny,

this

is a Mexican drama.

You guys know how this works.

Patrick does about a 20 to 30 or so second or so solo.

If the audience decides that his solo is better than Michael Gonzalez's solo, then my friends, Patrick Christopher will have to move from San Antonio to Austin to be the full-time drummer of Kiltony.

If Michael Gonzalez loses, he will have to move to San Antonio and fuck the barren vagina of Patrick Christopher's wife.

Anything can happen.

This is Kiltony, and this is a Mexican drum op.

And this is Patrick Christopher.

Wow,

wow,

the crowd goes wild.

Oh

my god.

Oh my God, Chris, what do you think?

All that not fucking really paid off.

Yeah.

That guy's got absolute...

Heavy on the drums head.

Yeah.

A lot of pent-up fucking energy and testosterone.

Patrick, get back out here.

John D said, come out here and watch this ass woman.

The band all fucking backs each other up.

We get to hear a lot of fun stuff that you guys don't always get to hear.

They defend each other.

Patrick, that was a fantastic drum solo.

But now the all-time, undefeated, all-time Mexican drum off reigning defending champion of Kiltoni, this is Michael Gonzalez.

Wow,

wow,

wow.

We'll be wet back after these messages.

All right.

Come on.

All right.

How many of you have Patrick Christopher winning this Mexican drama?

How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

Patrick, get back up there.

How do you feel right now, Patrick?

Out of bread, dude.

I'm fucking out of shape, man.

I said I play drums.

I don't play drums currently.

It's fucking...

You're a funny guy, Patrick.

You know, I've never done this.

I've never done this twice in one night, but I'm seven years of comedy.

Everything you've done has been funny.

I'm going to send you up to have Adamie get look at you as well.

So you're going straight up to do a spot in front of the booker of the mothership right now.

Right on?

Right now.

And I would love to have you on the secret show next week.

And here's the big joke, Bug.

Patrick Christopher, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my god,

what a fucking episode this is.

Also, can you put in a good word with Adam for me when you get up there?

Even Tim hasn't gotten to perform in front of the booker of the mothership.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ray Cheney, everybody.

Ray Cheneby.

Hello.

I had sex with my first goth girl recently.

That was pretty cool.

I could tell she was goth because when she took a shit on my chest, the shit had a piercing.

She told me she didn't think cum was good for your skin.

Can you believe that?

I told her, no, I know that cum is good for your skin.

Because Because my belly button is glowing.

Look at this shit, bitch.

Take a look, fucking idiot.

I do mass shootings.

But it's with a t-shirt gun.

I'm the mascot for Texas State.

But when you open the t-shirt, it says, don't come to school tomorrow.

All right.

I like how Michael Jackson said, it didn't matter if you're black or white, and then decided.

Wow.

Ray

Cheney.

My God.

Unbelievable.

Fantastic.

You've been on this show before, right, Ray?

Yeah, it's been a couple years.

Yeah, you're much better now.

Yeah, thank you.

You've been working hard.

Yeah, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Almost four years now.

Four years.

All of it here in Texas.

All of it in Texas, yeah.

Yeah, is this where you're born and raised?

I was actually born in New York.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Wow, says an absolutely retarded woman in the middle of the crowd.

Her mind is completely blown at the fact that you could be from one of the most populous places in the United States of America.

He doesn't even look that gay.

You do have some wacky eyes, do you, Ray?

I'm guessing upstate New York?

An hour north, yes.

Yes, you have dark, frightening eyes, Ray.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A beautiful belly button, but frightening eyes.

What do you do for work, Ray?

I'm sorry?

What do you do for work?

I work at the Sunset Strip.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh, look at this.

Look at the CEO over here, the boss man.

The proud boss, Brian Redpant.

do a I do AV there and then I'm also an AV contractor like I do contract work I work in hotels and stuff it's gonna be hard to do AV in a place with unbelievably high ceilings you fill the fill the room with

I work very hard yes it takes a lot of work

okay

what's it like working for Brian Redband a lot of people say he's one of the nicest bosses that he brings his extra donuts and stuff.

He's great, yeah.

My main positive feeling is that after Secret Show, I get to steal goodies and weed drinks.

So that's...

There you go.

I don't think he, by the looks of his face, he didn't know that you were doing that.

Looks as though.

Give him four weeks off.

All right.

I'm fucked.

Holy shit.

Even though I lose my job, though.

Ray, what do you like to do for fun looking absolutely frightening?

Let's see.

Right now, I'm trying to learn Spanish really hard.

Is that lame?

No, no, it's good.

What do you know so far?

Just the basics.

I can't really even communicate.

It's taking a lot.

We just thought it would be really hard.

It's like letting people shit on your chest.

Yeah, I only know those words.

What do you know how to say?

I could say, like,

ah, fuck.

I was trying to like talk to people in the

fucking lair over there about just like

Shakespeare's.

Shakespeare's.

Yeah.

Doesn't know English that well.

I was just trying to talk to them about like

that.

I went to, I was in Cuba for a couple of weeks a long time ago, and that's like the one phrase that I know how to talk about is like, oh, I was in Cuba a long time ago.

And then they're like, yeah, really?

And then they start speaking to me in Spanish.

And then I'm like, all I do is like, I just.

Yeah.

oh

I do the Chinese eyes or whatever

all right so absolutely nothing you know how to say nothing in Spanish no that's the answer to the question from two and a half minutes ago you know what's fun you know what's funny I

never met a Duolingo dropout before

I do Duolingo obsessively, but also I'm pretty good at listening to it because

I listen to Tom Tom Cigar and Espanol over and over again the same episodes just to like learn and that's mainly what I do so I can't really speak but I can like understand when they're talking shit about me in a line of

food truck you know

right yeah right

anyways how to how do you say uh how do you say the guy with creepy eyes ordered multiple tacos nothing um

what's your love life like ray what do you stare at uh

nothing right now uh

working on finding someone to stare at uh

it's been a couple months yeah yeah with like a date like what's the last date you went on like how does that go down are you on the apps I am on the apps I'm gonna hinge I'm a big hit on that

what is your bio like damaged message does your bio say that you work at Sunset Strip no I try and I try and pretend I'm not a comedian because I'm I mostly hook up with liberal chicks that think I

they think I'm a a white supremacist if I'm even a mile within if I'm even remotely close to this place.

So I lie the whole time.

I talk about Palestine and art.

I know how to I really know how to con them into fucking me and then I go back to I lie about shit.

He's using fluffy cheat codes.

I talk about communism.

I talk about the Berlin Wall.

I do all that shit.

Just every picture on Hinge Prime profile is eyes closed.

Yeah, for a long time, my profile was really scary.

I didn't adjust it the correct way.

I had weird.

I didn't smile in any of my photos, and then I showed my friend it, and they were like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

It's so frightening in this photo.

What did that look like?

What is you not smiling look like?

Show us the.

That is scary as hell.

Yeah.

Have any of the liberal girls that you've hung out with found out that you have common sense?

Have you ever been like caught?

Well, it's like I'll always go into dates and I'll go into it and really

try and talk about how I like speaking my mind,

use certain language like that, and then I test the waters and sometimes they'll be like,

oh no, that's not okay.

Please fuck me, please, fuck me.

I'm going to shoot up a school if you don't fuck me, right?

Please help me.

I have to like, I give in eventually.

I'm just like,

Wow.

Do this for the people of Insert High School.

Wow.

Wow.

Compelling.

Yeah.

Can't imagine how terrified I'd be on a first date if someone was like, I really like to speak my mind.

thinking they're being clever.

Wow.

Ray, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

Shit.

I guess

I'm trying to become a citizen of Slovakia right now.

Wait.

Oh, shit.

This is some fucking crazy.

Heidi, grab the map.

There's a beautiful castle I want to be in a vampire.

What is going on in Slovakia to where you are trying to become a citizen?

Guarantee you haven't learned a fucking word of their language yet.

0% chance of that.

It's really a bad language.

It's a terrible...

But, oh, God, if they're listening, I love it.

Let me in, please.

What is it about Slovakia that you want to?

So

my ancestors are from there and I want to be able to get citizenship there so I can like own property and then also be able to like work there so as like a comedian it's like just a good idea I think if I want to

owning but not not just in Slovakia it would be anywhere in the EU you get full citizenship so god I'm not gonna get in now because of this you want to own property I'm not gonna get in Slovakia you could own it anywhere in the EU if you do that so where would you buy property I don't know you could like Spain or somewhere that's is that what you would do

this doesn't make any sense I'm just trying to figure it out so you live in America you're an American citizen I would I would keep the it's dual citizenship sure I got that but instead of buying property in the greatest country in the world you would buy property in I don't know anywhere in Europe you like don't even have an exact spread my wings you know maybe just keep the options open it keep it takes like two years to get citizenship it takes many many years for you to learn Spanish

god I'm fucked I have no chance.

When you start getting booked in Slovakia, could you put in a good word for me, please?

I would love to have you on the secret show next week.

Thank you so much.

Here you go, Ray.

Here's the big joke, Buck.

All right, one last bucket pull.

One last

bucket pull.

Make some noise.

For Mike Ayo Babebe.

Mike Ayobebe.

Oh, yeah, here he is.

Mike, I yo, babe.

Woo!

That's the black dance right there, the Dougie.

You don't matter, don't matter what beat is going on, man.

The nigga going Dougie.

Man,

this is a nice crowd.

This is not an open mic, for sure.

A little bit about myself.

Ayo, baby, that's a crazy non-American last name right there.

Born and raised in Nigeria.

Don't get scared.

When I tell people that they want to put their phones away, man, think I'm going to send them an email.

Let's chill.

It's not coming.

Nah, being born and raised in Nigeria, man, make you appreciate things that y'all in America take for granted.

You know, clean air, clean water.

Y'all got nice water here, man.

The water in Nigeria, you can see germs and demons in that thing break dancing.

You could see Chris Brown in your cup.

I'm trying to tell you, man.

You take a sip, you don't know what you're going to catch.

You might catch a demon or disease.

You might need a doctor or priest, you know, to relieve you of your pain.

That's what you might.

Okay, that's my time.

Mike,

are your baby?

How do you say that?

Are your baby?

Are your baby?

That's a crazy last name for a black guy because it's also the perfect thing to scream at your dad as he's leaving you.

Nope, I got a father.

Have a good night.

Hey, I yo, baby.

You got a father?

Don't leave me.

Both of them.

Dad and mom.

They both stay together.

It's the African thing, man.

Really?

Yeah, man.

When you porn, you stay together.

You don't.

Okay, and they're in Nigeria right now?

No, no, they're in Minnesota, freezing their ass off.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's where I landed first in Minnesota.

My goodness.

What made you guys go to Minnesota first?

You saw the George.

You've been to Nigeria?

What?

Have you been to Nigeria?

If I've been to Minnesota,

I'd rather go to Nigeria to be honest with you.

You go to Nigeria, you're going to want to leave and go anywhere but Nigeria.

Yes, I think I would fit in just fine there.

Oh, Tony, they're going to smell you right from the plane, man.

What does that mean?

We can't smell to you.

What does that mean?

How old were you when you moved from Nigeria to the United States?

I was about 13 years old.

Okay, and what was the biggest difference that you noticed other than white people?

Food.

Okay, let's talk about Nigerian food for a second.

Tell us about the cuisine of Nigeria.

Go ahead, Tom.

Man, we got the primary one is fufu.

Foofu, yeah.

Fufu sounds good.

What's fufu?

So fufu is like, it's like a doughy substance.

It's made out of yams.

You know, you put yams and then you put water.

You pound it up and then it's turned it turns.

It's like a gangster-ass mashed potato.

Hell yeah.

Oh, red band.

That's the sound effect of the flies.

Foofu is all around the foofu.

Oh, no.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Oh,

man.

You know, it be like that, man.

You know, when it's hot, the flies.

Come around.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

But yeah, foofu.

We got that.

Again, it's a doughy substance and then the different kinds of soups that you get with it.

I love it.

I love it.

What do, uh,

how did your parents get American citizenship?

Are they part of a special program or something?

Yeah, lottery visa.

Lottery visa.

Yeah.

Lottery visa.

Yep.

That must be.

George Bush.

Okay.

Got me here.

Republican, baby.

George W.

Bush, a Republican.

Yeah, he signed that thing.

No doubt about it.

We know him very well.

So, you went from the Bush because of a Bush.

I was waiting on that.

Ah, Zwenya.

I love it.

He took me, Judge Bush took me out the bush.

Have you ever seen a lion?

Oh, man, we ate them all in Nigeria, man.

They ran out.

They bounced.

Really?

They went to freaking Botswana and then, where the white people live.

They're nice over there.

A lot of whites.

He was grilling them.

A lot of whites in Botswana.

That's right.

Hell Hell yeah.

What did your dad do for work in Nigeria?

Oh, my God.

Crazy.

Did he work at a foot locker?

I'd imagine there's a lot of them out there.

No, I ain't no foot locker in Nigeria.

Hell no.

We'll eat that, too.

He was a

photographer in Nigeria, which didn't get him a lot of money.

That's why we left.

Like of animals and stuff?

Of hungry people.

You know, the kids with the fat bellies and the goddamn flies in their eyes.

What does he do for work in Minnesota?

Oh, man.

Nursing home.

That's what Africans come here to do.

They get right into nursing home.

They're like nurses.

Well, nursing home, so nursing assistants.

Right.

Okay.

Okay.

That makes sense.

Racking up easy W's on the patients.

I don't know if you guys have seen the videos.

Yeah, no doubt about it.

We're the ones looking after the white grandparents.

That's what they're doing.

Slapping them around.

Yep, that's right.

Sign your pill with this contract yep patting the rap shut up and take your pill mr jefferson shut up your mouth

take your pill

bastards

bring somebody next one

you're just serving foofu all day

oh man what is this that my grandma's eating why is there flies all over it she uses

using our hands too that's a that's one thing you got to do with foo you got to use your hands to eat it.

Okay.

What do you do for work here in America?

Oh, man.

I did a lot of things.

I used to sell cars.

I used to work at a factory.

Now, in Austin,

I drive for Amazon.

I do Amazon.

And then I do Uber on the side.

Again, you went from the Amazon to

the Amazon.

Absolutely.

Man, it's just something about that bush and Amazon.

Bush to bush, Amazon to Amazon.

This is the American dream.

What was that?

It was a little jungle bird.

That's actually the name of that sound effect.

It means jungle bird.

Man, yeah, yes, sir.

I love it.

What do you do for fun?

Man.

I bless the rains.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

He's doing it.

Alive.

We're getting word it just started raining outside.

It is a downpour here in Austin.

It's raining right now.

Yeah, yeah.

Hopefully you all got your goddamn umbrellas.

I just summoned them motherfuckers.

Absolutely incredible.

Man, I don't know.

I try to stay away from the police.

That's what I do for fun, you know?

Yep, that must that's a full-time job.

Man, you know, so

regular things.

What are our thoughts about fat-bootied white bitches?

Man,

very good.

I like, I like it.

I like you like it.

I saw a lot of big booty black women in Nigeria, you know.

What do you prefer, black or white?

Man, I don't, man, my dick don't discriminate, man.

I accept

accept any pussy I get right now, you know

Amazing.

When's the last time you got pussy?

You seem like I got something coming this weekend.

You got something coming?

Yeah, I got some

drill coming this weekend.

God damn it.

Some orders through Amazon.

Some coochie on the way.

You got a coming prime?

Huh?

Where's it coming from?

Where's it coming from?

Yeah.

I'll bet you know,

she's Spanish.

She's Spanish.

You know what I mean?

I try to try something new.

Try a little Mexico.

Wow.

i've tried black i was in minnesota i tried white a lot out there you know yeah what do you notice the difference between the white vagina and the black vagina

man

this one's on you it's man yo white vagina like it a little rougher they like Like it a little rougher, man.

I don't know.

When you say they like it a little rough, what exactly do you mean?

You could smack a white bitch in the ass and she'd be cool with it.

Black women, they try to take in the missions, man.

Oh, nigga, that's too hard.

That's too hard.

Ah.

That's too hard, bro.

You would think based on history, it would be the other way around.

Hey, yo, hey, hey, hey, man, how many Panthers died for this curtain to look fly right here, man?

It's a lot of.

Anyway, yeah.

Well, Mike, before I let you go, one more crazy thing about your life that makes you different.

What's something that you're into or that we would be surprised to know about you?

I got a college degree.

No way.

S way.

Fucking finished, man.

Wow.

Ain't using it, though.

Ain't using it, though.

Relax, baby.

Social science, I'm working at Amazon.

Wow.

Shit didn't help my black ass.

My goodness.

Where did you go to school?

I went to Winona State University.

Well, I went to Juko first.

I went to junior college first, Rochester, Minnesota, Rochester.

Technical College, and then went to Winona State.

What the hell is that?

Did you say what your major was?

Social, actually social work.

Social work.

Major, yeah.

Social work.

Helping people.

Very noble.

You are awesome.

I like your style.

The minute was a little rough.

You're a little rusty.

But you are so charismatic.

The interview, absolutely unbelievable.

Appreciate you.

I think

you keep doing spots, keep getting out, keep working it out, and you're going to be just fine.

Mike.

aio baby you can't even make it up aio baby

well

there's only one way to end a show like this william montgomery is sick and ari maddie is in estonia so i present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen here with yet another new minute the guy who misses less than anybody he's always here never fucking says, hey, can I take a week off?

Hey, I don't know.

His work ethic is unbelievable.

He is the undeniable, the one and only.

This is Cam Patterson.

Without Slavery, I could have been that nigga.

Yikes.

I be going to clubs and shit.

I go to clubs a lot.

And I went to a club recently back home in Florida.

And one of the bouncers had one of the wand things.

And he wandered the bottom of my feet.

And I left that line immediately, dog.

Because I don't want to go nowhere.

They getting foot pistols here.

That's crazy.

That's psychopathic.

And I also have a theory about bouncers.

Not the bouncers here because they are regular people, but I think like

bouncers anywhere else are all gay.

That's what I think.

I think they big gay niggas.

That's what I think.

Big undercover gay niggas because every time I go to a club they pat me down they always touch my dick my dick get touched every single time and they if the club is full they probably touch 200 dicks

it's a lot of dicks to touch is a straight man gay ass nigga that's crazy it's gay

and if i was a bouncer and i'm not because i'm not gay but if i was

If I was a bouncer and I patted you down, you had a bigger dick than me, I would not let you in the club.

No, my girlfriend's in there no

no bucko it's gonna be a bunch of little dick niggas doing little dick dads and shit like that

I'm big cam appreciate y'all

that is how it's done yet another

new

minute and some change for Cam motherfucking Patterson

absolute anomaly how are you Cam I'm good man how you feeling great yeah this is such a fucking fun action That's what we're going to watch tonight, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That shit's been cool to see, though.

That one Mexican nigga that came out and said, f it immediately was crazy.

Yeah.

That was a psychopathic show.

That was crazy as shit.

And then it all went downhill from there.

He tried to get out 23 seconds into his set.

He's like, I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Good night.

That was incredible.

That nigga retarded, man.

It's all good.

It may have been one of the wildest.

He started with pure heat and then he left with a barrage of booze and double birds.

He met that shit, too.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

He turned on this crowd.

Cam, my God, you have been a relentless regular on this show.

Appreciate it.

And yet you did it again.

What's going on in your life?

Nah, I got a new car.

I got two new cars.

Oh, you have two cars.

Okay.

Well, that's not the way it

you were hoping you would see.

You don't know where they are, though.

You don't know where they are.

Oh, well, I'm sure when I find out what they are.

Yeah, you'll be more excited.

One is a Chevy Impala.

Yeah.

I know that.

Yeah, I bought that.

20-inch rims.

No, no.

94.

24.

20-foot.

Yeah, yeah, go.

20 foe.

Yeah, 24.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, yeah, 96, fault, nigga.

That's right.

It is an unbelievable car.

He insisted that I go to the parking lot and check it out when he got it.

And I got to tell you, I was really proud of you.

It was incredible.

The wings are shiny.

The inside is classy as hell.

A lot of space.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

For fucking.

Yep.

I'm going to fucking that car.

Yep.

I'm going to fucking that car for sure.

Yep.

That's the fucking car.

Have you done it yet?

No, but I'm going to.

I'm telling you, I'm going to fucking that car.

All right.

And I got salsa in me, too, so the seats rattle so her pussy get wet.

Cause like a vibrator.

All right.

Yeah, nigga.

Okay.

I'm going to fucking that car.

Okay.

And you have a new car.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yep.

What is this one?

I'm on Facebook Marketplace too much.

There's a problem.

It's a 2014 Infinity.

Okay.

What made you get an Infinity?

I don't know.

Genetics.

What did he say?

What do you say?

My daddy had an infinity.

My granddaddy had an infinity.

Everybody had infinities, man.

Your sister, Infinity, also had an infinity.

To the stage, Infinity.

Oh, my God.

Cam, why would you get a second car?

I don't know.

Have you thought about buying property?

Yes.

I thought about it.

That's all I did.

I thought about it.

I'm getting out.

We're doing shit.

Okay.

How do you feel about Slovakia?

What What is it?

I don't fucking know.

What is that?

What color is this Infinity?

It's like a, it's like a, it's like.

I don't even know how to explain.

It's like, it's got a wrap on it.

It's like, it's like purple.

Yes.

I fucking knew it.

I fucking knew it.

From the second you said infinity, I'm like, I shouldn't ask him the color.

It's kind of a boring question in front of millions of viewers.

But I'll bet it's purple.

I want to ask.

I bet it's fucking

purple-ish.

Fuck you, Tony.

i know i can see the color it's like purple it's like almost black but it's got like a purple tint

pink plum john d's our senior black correspondent is saying plum

and we know that it's plum i can literally i know you well enough to know the look on your face

what do you

could show you on a fucking i will have breadband bring up the fucking color thing and i will show you the color and you're gonna drop the mic because i'm gonna fucking nail it but how do you think it's plum why do you think it's plum what why do you you think it's plum?

What make you think it's plum?

What makes you believe it's a plum color?

I don't understand.

Oh,

okay.

Well, that's kind of just like normal.

Okay, here, maybe this one, this chart right here.

You brought up a rainbow.

That's gay.

Well,

dude, with a purple car.

Fucking rainbow is cute.

Stupid gay, super gay.

Purple is cool.

It's not purple, though.

It's not purple.

But if it was purple, it'd be fucking cool.

It's not plum, you fucking.

I mean, I do.

I'm gonna pick this square right here.

How close am I to correct?

That's the fucking color, dude.

Go up a little bit.

It's plum, dude.

Pink?

No, not pink.

It's a little, it's a little darker than that, but it's got that that

You're wrong

If you had to say the color of the car, how would you describe it?

Purplish.

God.

So much fun.

What else, Cam?

Anything else we should know about?

Ah, that's it, really.

Oh!

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no, there is.

No, no.

So I was going to Canada.

We went to Canada this weekend.

It was in Toronto.

And my dad had been to Canada a couple of times, like a lot with me.

Oh, Kenny Patterson.

Like a lot.

Legend of Kenny Patterson.

It gets stronger today.

So he goes to Canada a lot.

And then we went through the, what is it, the immigration or whatever the fuck with them niggas is?

Yep.

Customs.

Yep.

Customs.

Went through customs.

And the dude was like, y'all got to go inside for a second.

And so we're going, it's me, my dad, and my sister.

And we're going inside.

We drove over from Buffalo.

And we went inside.

And he just, the lady just called my dad over.

And then she was like, yeah, you got like a domestic abuse charge

from 99.

oh my god and i was born in 99 so oh

my god

he just went well see y'all in buffalo nigga i don't know

he made his wife purple

oh and then they made him walk back to uh to america

really yeah you can't go to canada if you have any kind of charge like that he got in three times and he told a lady that he was like i I got in three times.

She was like, we didn't see the first couple times.

He was like, you're a dumb bitch.

And I was like, wait a minute.

Don't do it again.

Not here.

This ain't the place to do it.

Cam, you are the man.

Thank you so much.

Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

Killing it, Cam Patterson.

How about one more time for tonight's guests?

Tim Butterly is on tour.

TimButterly.com.

Tim Butterly show check out Dad Me one more time for Chris O'Connor everybody

tires season two June 4th

Stuff Island is this podcast thank you to Blue Chew and Nicked Nicotine Pouches These guys are on tour check them out atchriso Connor.com and Tim Butterly.com the drawing from Ryan J.

Belt is in thank you very much for having me Tony this is a fucking pleasure dude Tim Butterly dream come true Chris O'Connor.

Fun times, gentlemen.

How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land?

Red band.

Check out the sunsetstripatx.com.

Love you guys.

Go re-watch the Netflix special.

Shout out to

our good friend Shane Gillis for holding it down as the great Donald Trump.

Kyle Dungan and Adam Ray and everybody, Rogan, Segura, all the special treats.

Jeff Ross, everyone.

live audience.

Thank you so much.

We love you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.