#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 5 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony huge announcement I am doing stand-up comedy in Madison Square Garden Friday August 15th this is a stand-up comedy show featuring me and the killers of Kill Tony all your favorite regulars and stand-up comedians from the show doing guest spots on it.

Speaker 5 The artist presale is this Wednesday at 10 a.m and it goes till Friday, May 2nd. The special password is Tony25.
That's Tony25, all one word. Local pre-sale starts Thursday, May 1st at 10 a.m.

Speaker 5 Also, the ticket drop for the Kill Tony tapings at the mothership is this Tuesday, April 29th at noon.

Speaker 8 This is your warning.

Speaker 5 Those tickets are available at comedymothership.com. The tickets for the killers of Kill Tony plus Tony Henchcliff at Madison Square Garden on Friday, August 15th are available at tonyhenchcliffe.com.

Speaker 5 And there's still a few tickets available for the huge stand-up comedy show at Resorts World Saturday, May 10th at 8 p.m. Those tickets are available at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 5 So Vegas, New York City, and Austin, Texas, the chambers are loaded and ready to be shot off. Go to the respective websites and buy tickets and see.

Speaker 5 stand-up comedy and the new tapings of Kill Tony upcoming for the months of May, June, and July at comedymothership.com, the stand-up shows at TonyHinchclip.com.

Speaker 5 Now, a brand new episode of the number one live comedy podcast in the world.

Speaker 12 This is Kill Tony.

Speaker 14 Hey, this is Red Back coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hitchcliffe!

Speaker 15 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

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Speaker 8 Matt Muelling representing the whites on the band with a black wife, little black kids, and seven cats.

Speaker 21 John Dee's on the keys, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 30 And this beautiful little camper right here on the base is D-Madness live in the flesh.

Speaker 18 This is indeed Kill Tony brought to you this week by Blue Chew and Nicked Nicotine Pouches.

Speaker 21 What an amazing episode we have.

Speaker 35 There's chaos in the room. A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head.

Speaker 38 He's so excited.

Speaker 40 Before we get started, here's a little bit more of the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 41 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 42 I lit the fuse, and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

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Speaker 41 He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show. Now, Charlie's sober.
He's gonna tell you the truth.

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Speaker 44 I think we're past that, Charlie.

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Speaker 50 Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights

Speaker 50 and likes complicated recipes.

Speaker 50 But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia. She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.
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Expedia, made to travel. Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Speaker 11 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 18 Very, very excited about this one, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 54 Sometimes we have repeat gas, sometimes we have noob gas, sometimes we have big famous celebrities, sometimes we have funny motherfuckers.

Speaker 56 This is one of the latter episode.

Speaker 58 This is the debut.

Speaker 57 of both of these guests on panel.

Speaker 60 Two of the funniest humans in the world.

Speaker 15 Two guys that I've wanted to get on forever.

Speaker 61 And it just so happens they're on together here tonight.

Speaker 20 Make some fucking noise for Chris O'Connor and Tim Butterly.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 43 Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 43 Tim Butterly.

Speaker 43 Oh my God.

Speaker 43 Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 35 Tired Season two coming out June 4th. His podcast, Stuff Island.

Speaker 65 Welcome to the show, Chris.

Speaker 28 It's good to be here. Thanks for having me.

Speaker 56 Absolutely.

Speaker 66 And Tim Butterly, welcome.

Speaker 13 That was a very polite response from your audience after all that buildup.

Speaker 26 Hey guys, I'm Tim. Nice to meet you.

Speaker 63 Tim Butterly's show, Dad Meet.

Speaker 68 He's on tour, TimButterly.com.

Speaker 28 It is your guys' first time on the show, which is absolutely crazy.

Speaker 69 I know.

Speaker 70 It's pretty exciting.

Speaker 13 I had planned to get a good night's sleep last night, you know, have a quiet Sunday, and instead I got incredibly drunk at the Masters. Yep.

Speaker 13 I was at the Masters while Rory was making history. I was laying in the grass farting

Speaker 13 300 yards away from whatever he was doing.

Speaker 13 My farts got a big roar from the crowds.

Speaker 73 Hell yeah.

Speaker 74 Well, you look great.

Speaker 28 You don't look hungover or inflamed whatsoever.

Speaker 3 So this is going to be awesome. We're happy to have you.

Speaker 28 Since it's your first time, I should tell you, 275 people signed up for the chance to get on this show tonight. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 21 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 28 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 68 This guy has a tattoo of a spider behind his ear, so I'm going to let him pick the first one right off the top.

Speaker 78 Look at that.

Speaker 79 Yeah, looks good to me.

Speaker 28 And the show shall begin.

Speaker 28 To start tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner making his third ever appearance on the show.

Speaker 25 Can't think of a worse time for that to happen, Dees.

Speaker 83 Really wasted that one tonight.

Speaker 59 Leaning on your keyboard, just high and falling asleep as usual.

Speaker 27 It's

Speaker 59 kind of crazy at this point.

Speaker 21 You would think you'd be able to survive five minutes into the episode without doing something absolutely stupid, but there you are.

Speaker 23 There you are, high and tired.

Speaker 7 John Dees, his debut album, High and Tired, coming out soon.

Speaker 86 Or you can see it live on the show every Monday as he falls asleep leaning against sound effects on his keyboard.

Speaker 32 He wears sunglasses because he literally falls asleep during the show.

Speaker 31 Going up first tonight, the third ever appearance of a golden ticket winner that we like around here.

Speaker 25 Let's see how the third minute goes.

Speaker 31 The comedy styling is one minute uninterrupted going to Colin Sledge, everybody.

Speaker 15 Here we go.

Speaker 87 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 87 So when I was in middle school, my Texas history teacher, Mr.

Speaker 87 Gomez, used to tell us all the time, you don't know how good you have it in America, because back home in Mexico, my family has to jack off horses for money.

Speaker 87 And I was confused. I was like, where are the horses even getting the money?

Speaker 56 so

Speaker 87 my parents want grandkids, right? And I don't really want to give them grandkids, so I thought I'd give them the next best thing:

Speaker 87 a homemade cream pie video.

Speaker 87 You know, my parents hate to see me coming.

Speaker 87 Okay, so I'm in therapy now, right?

Speaker 87 And

Speaker 87 my therapist asked me recently if I ever had any homicidal thoughts.

Speaker 23 I was like, I ain't gay.

Speaker 87 You ever say that shit again, I'll fucking kill you.

Speaker 70 Oh, yeah, thanks, y'all.

Speaker 24 Boom. Colin Sledge.

Speaker 18 Smart, funny.

Speaker 28 Such a serious man, Colin.

Speaker 90 You're having fun.

Speaker 91 You smiled there.

Speaker 40 I smiled this time.

Speaker 92 You did smile a little bit.

Speaker 88 Look at you.

Speaker 87 Adam Ray said, I'm pretty when I smile.

Speaker 56 Adam Ray said that?

Speaker 40 Yeah, the last time he said that.

Speaker 79 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 93 How's life going for you, Colin?

Speaker 36 It's been okay.

Speaker 66 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Should I answer more?

Speaker 87 Should I tell more of what I've been up to, or do you want to ask something?

Speaker 13 Why did your therapist ask you if you're having homicidal thoughts?

Speaker 87 Oh, that was made up.

Speaker 43 That was a lie.

Speaker 36 It's pretty believable.

Speaker 9 Pretty fucking believable.

Speaker 57 Do you see a therapist?

Speaker 87 Well, my copay went from 50 to 90, so I haven't seen her in the new year.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 87 I emailed her my Kill Tony appearance, though.

Speaker 40 You did? Yeah, she says it was funny.

Speaker 73 Okay.

Speaker 79 All right.

Speaker 97 I'm going to go back soon, probably.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 92 It went from 15 to 90.

Speaker 87 50 to 90.

Speaker 66 50 to 90.

Speaker 88 I don't know if you know this, my dear friend Colin Sledge, but the amazing people over at talkspace um

Speaker 21 you can talk to a licensed provider typically within 48 hours just by going to talkspace.com slash tony and enter the promo code space80 to get 80 off your first month i love talk space yeah thanks red band

Speaker 91 Thank you. Absolutely.

Speaker 69 Thank you for setting us up for that.

Speaker 88 That's good.

Speaker 51 That's good.

Speaker 28 I could afford an extra 1,000 of your therapy sessions because of what I just said.

Speaker 101 Thank you.

Speaker 28 Colin, what goes on in your life?

Speaker 25 Tell us,

Speaker 34 you seem like you're built for comedy.

Speaker 103 You seem like, you know, this is your thing, but I can't picture you doing anything else.

Speaker 76 Do you do anything else?

Speaker 97 Well, I still teach piano.

Speaker 92 You do? Yeah.

Speaker 40 You teach piano. Yeah.

Speaker 88 Aww.

Speaker 13 That's a murderer's job for sure.

Speaker 104 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 73 I got

Speaker 87 one of my piano families found out about this.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 87 The dad, who had never said anything other than like, hello and goodbye, was like, golden ticket?

Speaker 75 Wow, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 87 Yeah, and then his wife wanted me to demonstrate that I knew how to play piano.

Speaker 106 Oh, boy.

Speaker 107 That's tricky for you.

Speaker 30 We've done that once before.

Speaker 10 Turns out you get a little nervous.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 97 I did okay there, though.

Speaker 13 Was it the husband or wife that was going to bet for you that you could be around the kids and it's okay?

Speaker 40 It was, it was, the wife hired me. Yeah.

Speaker 101 What was the interview?

Speaker 36 What was the interview like?

Speaker 109 Well, they just got on referral.

Speaker 87 They're like, hey, you're you teach piano to this other kid and she's good, so you can teach our kids. That was it.
Yeah, it's pretty.

Speaker 13 So nothing in person?

Speaker 47 No, it was, I mean, I don't remember.

Speaker 110 You don't remember?

Speaker 66 Yeah, it was a while ago.

Speaker 107 I mean, all piano teachers are probably like that, right?

Speaker 74 Wouldn't you think so?

Speaker 36 Yeah, that's serial killer tree.

Speaker 111 Yeah,

Speaker 87 I do get a pass for for being a little eccentric.

Speaker 112 That's how I refer to it.

Speaker 40 That makes sense.

Speaker 66 Eccentric? Yeah.

Speaker 28 That makes sense.

Speaker 90 I guess you could come across. That's eccentric.

Speaker 40 Yeah, piano tuners are the real serial killers.

Speaker 39 Ah, very interesting.

Speaker 69 I did not know that.

Speaker 13 That's some inside piano stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 87 Because they're like piano people, but they can't even deal with other people. They just need to be alone for like

Speaker 87 the entire time.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 28 Absolutely incredible. I'm sure the piano people listening to the show are cracking up right now.

Speaker 81 Colin, we love you.

Speaker 21 Great set. There you go.

Speaker 11 You got it started. The show has begun.

Speaker 15 And now to the bread and butter of the show.

Speaker 61 The beautiful, beautiful bucket.

Speaker 7 Oh my God.

Speaker 15 I mean, unbelievable.

Speaker 58 What a sight for tired, weary eyes.

Speaker 15 It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 All right, back to the bucket, or to the bucket for the first time. We're going to meet this person all together and find out all about their life.
Let's meet him.

Speaker 15 He goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted going to Josh Gideon Josh Gideon

Speaker 82 Have y'all ever broke y'all straw while trying to open it

Speaker 105 and it ruins your drinking experience

Speaker 105 Do you think babies feel the same way when sipping on pierced nipples? Is that the

Speaker 105 Because they got to take the piercing out, right?

Speaker 86 And when they do, you think it comes out in three like a Bellagio fountain?

Speaker 113 Is that the logistics?

Speaker 110 I don't know. A little bit by myself, I am half Haitian.

Speaker 86 And y'all heard what Trump said, how we eat pets.

Speaker 105 I'm also half Korean.

Speaker 105 So I guess you could say I really got that dog in me.

Speaker 105 Who knew a Haitian dad and a Korean mom would make a beige Hawaiian punch guy?

Speaker 109 I'm over here looking like crouching tiger hidden nigga

Speaker 47 Fuck it

Speaker 10 Josh Gideon.

Speaker 89 Welcome welcome.

Speaker 12 Hi Josh

Speaker 21 For a second there, I didn't think you could say the n-word, but I guess the half-it Haitian allows it, huh?

Speaker 7 I'd like to see you get away with that if you were just Korean. I would have loved it.
I would have loved it.

Speaker 3 It was clean.

Speaker 54 John Dee's our senior N-word official

Speaker 77 on the scene.

Speaker 10 Absolutely incredible. Very Korean to be dropping a word like that, but here you are.

Speaker 31 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 105 It was probably three years in May.

Speaker 112 Where at?

Speaker 105 I started out in Newport News, Virginia, and just moved out to San Antonio in October.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 103 You were in the middle of Virginia.

Speaker 79 What do you do for work?

Speaker 43 I work at Foot Locker now.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 36 Perfect.

Speaker 36 Absolutely. Does he look like a Foot Locker guy?

Speaker 19 Doesn't it?

Speaker 13 You walk into Foot Locker, you'd be like, this guy knows what the fuck he's talking about.

Speaker 89 Yeah.

Speaker 13 They cut your hair like that when you join the army.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 54 They pick it out when you get hired at Footlocker.

Speaker 43 Right, that's what I do.

Speaker 28 Wow. So you wear the referee shirt and everything.

Speaker 36 That makes sense.

Speaker 55 Half Haitian, half Korean, split black and white, right down the middle, wearing a referee shirt.

Speaker 77 That makes sense.

Speaker 88 Wow.

Speaker 100 So you help people find shoes at a foot locker?

Speaker 56 That's all I do.

Speaker 88 Are you good at it?

Speaker 45 I'm all right.

Speaker 113 I could find shoes in a couple seconds, I guess.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Is that what you're asking?

Speaker 61 Yeah, what would you recommend for a guy like Redband if he walked in there, if he's like, hey, everybody says I'm fat and ugly, and

Speaker 7 I need new shoes, what would you say to him?

Speaker 38 I'd recommend some sandals, I guess.

Speaker 69 I don't know.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 56 Even why you guys have sandals there.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 6 What do you do for fun, Josh?

Speaker 112 Play basketball.

Speaker 94 Really?

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 105 Basketball and my lift weights started just now, recently.

Speaker 28 Just started lifting weights. Just now.
And you play basketball.

Speaker 91 Have you played basketball your whole life?

Speaker 79 Yeah, basically.

Speaker 34 Okay, so you play basketball, you say the N-word.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 37 How about the Korean side of you?

Speaker 117 Still the N-word.

Speaker 86 That's right.

Speaker 115 What do you do that's Korean?

Speaker 28 Any Korean activities?

Speaker 105 I take off my shoes when I enter my crib.

Speaker 69 Oh.

Speaker 52 Very good.

Speaker 63 I'm guessing your dad is the Haitian and your mom is the Korean, just getting absolutely fucking pounded and filled with just a huge Haitian cop.

Speaker 62 Do you think about that a lot?

Speaker 63 Do you think about how your mom is absolutely decimated, your innocent little Korean mother, just a sweet little lady, just absolutely getting

Speaker 11 ravaged by your father's Haitian?

Speaker 13 It's got to be every slow day at Foot Locker.

Speaker 13 Just a mind prison.

Speaker 63 Do you ever just see, are you ever at Foot Locker and you see a pair of extra long black socks hanging from the shelf and you're like, God, what my dad has done to my mother's pussy is terrible.

Speaker 105 Never.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 39 My goodness, Josh.

Speaker 28 So you live in San Antonio? What made you go from Virginia to San Antonio?

Speaker 86 So I got out the military.

Speaker 105 I did four years in the Air Force.

Speaker 69 Oh, wow.

Speaker 78 What did you do?

Speaker 71 Wow.

Speaker 6 Amazing.

Speaker 55 You went from the Air Force to Air Force Ones.

Speaker 25 This is absolutely amazing.

Speaker 68 That's right.

Speaker 36 Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize

Speaker 13 crashing the planes.

Speaker 4 The Korean side. That's right.

Speaker 123 I keep forgetting he's Korean.

Speaker 28 Okay, so what did you do exactly in the Air Force?

Speaker 105 I painted airplanes.

Speaker 51 Wow. Painted airplanes.

Speaker 76 I worked on the F-22s.

Speaker 124 It's painted gray.

Speaker 16 Amazing.

Speaker 79 Amazing. That fucking rules.
That's like cool paint, isn't it?

Speaker 68 I mean, isn't it like special paint?

Speaker 105 I mean, there's metals in there, I guess.

Speaker 113 Fuck you.

Speaker 113 All right. That's top secret paint, I think.

Speaker 125 That's a cool fucking job.

Speaker 78 What's your love life like, Josh?

Speaker 79 You seem like a good-looking guy.

Speaker 34 Are you Haitian with the ladies, or are you more Korean?

Speaker 28 You little shy guy?

Speaker 36 Yeah, I'm very shy.

Speaker 113 I'm very Korean, I guess you could say.

Speaker 40 Ah, very shy.

Speaker 99 That's where the Korean side comes out.

Speaker 79 All right.

Speaker 45 But yeah, I'm single, but I'm not really putting myself out there for real.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 103 Well, like with the last date that you went on, like, what was that like?

Speaker 90 Where how'd you find that person?

Speaker 112 How'd that go?

Speaker 105 I haven't really gone on a date like that for real. I haven't even gotten a date since high school.

Speaker 51 Really?

Speaker 34 When's the last time you kissed a girl?

Speaker 51 I mean, I fucked.

Speaker 36 Oh, wow. Okay.

Speaker 7 Well, there you go.

Speaker 43 There you go. Well,

Speaker 115 you blew that one, buddy.

Speaker 18 You had a Could have had a fun time coming your way, but you want to brag about going straight to fucking?

Speaker 21 I don't date.

Speaker 7 I just insert my dick right into a woman when I meet her.

Speaker 37 Absolutely incredible, Josh.

Speaker 85 I think that's called rape.

Speaker 127 That's consent.

Speaker 91 Wow, you really are Haitian after all.

Speaker 66 Incredible.

Speaker 73 Is that a Haitian thing?

Speaker 18 No, don't do that.

Speaker 7 No, no, I don't want that.

Speaker 54 This isn't a fucking one-man show.

Speaker 28 Anything else crazy we should know about you?

Speaker 105 No, just shit land there.

Speaker 88 Doing comedy.

Speaker 28 What do your parents think about you doing this?

Speaker 113 They're actually high-key supportive.

Speaker 47 You know, what?

Speaker 105 They're high-key supportive.

Speaker 108 They're supportive. High-key?

Speaker 123 High-key.

Speaker 117 High key.

Speaker 13 It's the ancient Korean art of supporting your son.

Speaker 125 Start reading a fucking book sometime, Tony.

Speaker 36 We are literally high key of you.

Speaker 126 Selling Nike, we are hikey.

Speaker 64 There you go, buddy.

Speaker 11 Congratulations. Welcome to Kiltony.

Speaker 15 That is your first bucketful of the night, Josh Gideon.

Speaker 15 And the show shall continue.

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Speaker 130 If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Speaker 130 Made for your chicken favorites at Participating McDonald's for limited time with your second bucket pull.

Speaker 43 And here we go.

Speaker 15 She goes by the name of Audrey Scott, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted.
Going to Audrey Scott.

Speaker 131 I'm very good at Spanish.

Speaker 88 Hola.

Speaker 62 But I can't roll my R's.

Speaker 131 Unless I'm saying the N-word.

Speaker 36 And everyone's like, oh my god, she can roll her R's.

Speaker 131 It's a distraction.

Speaker 131 I'm going to be honest with y'all. I don't like child porn.

Speaker 131 So funny about that, you freak.

Speaker 131 Right, because every time I watch it, right?

Speaker 131 Every time I shove that flash drive right into my fucking PC to watch my CP,

Speaker 132 acting's too immature.

Speaker 131 Kids are always like, oh, where am I?

Speaker 51 I'm hungry, grow up.

Speaker 131 It's show business, baby.

Speaker 131 How the fuck did you think Bieber made it? He got ushered into the diddying.

Speaker 131 Baby, baby, baby oil.

Speaker 131 Diddy did it? Hot take.

Speaker 131 The brand of the baby oil was Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson. And

Speaker 131 that's it.

Speaker 131 Thank you.

Speaker 35 Okay, Audrey Scott.

Speaker 29 Welcome, Audrey.

Speaker 47 Hi.

Speaker 115 You look like a half-Korean that was in the Air Force.

Speaker 109 But surprisingly, I'm guessing you're not the half-Korean.

Speaker 131 Because I'm from Virginia, my dad was Air Force, and that guy just stole my whole thing.

Speaker 78 Yeah, your whole story.

Speaker 77 Yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 131 Sucks. Should have kamikazed, you know.

Speaker 79 Yeah, well, there you go.

Speaker 51 Hi, Audrey. Hello.

Speaker 109 Do you need a backup identity?

Speaker 13 maybe go for journalist covering a race war?

Speaker 131 It's my side job. Top 10 side hustles of 2020.

Speaker 78 Audrey, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 131 Five and a half years.

Speaker 74 Five and a half years.

Speaker 92 Wow. What do you do for work?

Speaker 131 I bartend at Roscoe's Comedy Club, and I produce, I host mics there, and I produce some shows. And then I also make sandwiches during the day, and I do voice acting as well.

Speaker 65 Oh, so you make sandwiches during the day?

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 54 Correct answer.

Speaker 83 Just had to do a little digging there, get around all the bullshit

Speaker 61 that you definitely don't make money doing.

Speaker 57 And then there we found it right at the end.

Speaker 36 12-hour shifts of sandwich making.

Speaker 64 I love it.

Speaker 26 It's less than that.

Speaker 69 I love it.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 25 Five and a half years, all of it here in Austin.

Speaker 131 No, I started in Virginia. I started in the mountains.
You really?

Speaker 28 It's another Virginia to Texas transfer.

Speaker 59 That really is incredible that that happened back to back like that.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 92 Okay.

Speaker 28 What's your favorite sandwich to make?

Speaker 131 It's called a wreck. It's a Pot Belly signature sandwich.
You get a portion of salami. Yeah.
Shout out to Potbelly, man.

Speaker 121 I host a show with him every week.

Speaker 71 It's the best open mic in Austin.

Speaker 131 Free sandwich on the way. Yeah, it's roast beef, salami.
turkey, ham, and then Swiss cheese on top. It goes pretty hard.

Speaker 56 Actually, that's amazing. Amazing.

Speaker 16 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 78 Adrian?

Speaker 91 Sauces on that too?

Speaker 131 I've been hula hooping recently. I got a hula hoop at Walmart while I was buying roach poison for roaches in my house because

Speaker 131 I have roaches in my house. They're really bad.
But the hula hoop's been like really helping out.

Speaker 116 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 126 Have you learned any queer tricks yet?

Speaker 131 Nah, not like the EDM, like slutty level yet, where I'm like, you know, we're just wearing sequins and shit, but I'm getting like an hourglass figure from it. I just go like this in my backyard.

Speaker 28 What kind of tricks should she know?

Speaker 131 You can like throw it and catch it.

Speaker 121 Yeah, dude, there's a whole fucking show you can do with that. Yeah, you can hoop it everywhere.

Speaker 83 I can do that.

Speaker 47 You're still just working on the hips, though, it turns out.

Speaker 131 I can do the neck and the arm, but now I'm mastering the hips.

Speaker 86 So it's a new challenge.

Speaker 51 Get rid of that thing.

Speaker 4 Get rid of that thing.

Speaker 13 It's the worst person at every festival.

Speaker 137 Hula hoop lady.

Speaker 36 Why?

Speaker 119 It's the fucking hula hoop.

Speaker 131 Dude, it's not, it's a really good exercise.

Speaker 131 I don't want to go to the fucking gym and get filmed by an influencer. Like, I have a sweaty fat person on infusion.

Speaker 123 This is correct here.

Speaker 83 The hula hooper is

Speaker 113 one level away from the person with like the ball on the rope.

Speaker 131 It's just like a side thing. I don't identify as a hula hooper.
That would be weird. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 13 You got to get rid of it now.

Speaker 136 Yeah.

Speaker 131 Maybe. I'll do pogo stick or unicycle or something.

Speaker 13 Pogo stick actually pretty cool.

Speaker 121 They scare me, man.

Speaker 126 Pogo stick.

Speaker 20 I've never been mad at someone on a pogo stick.

Speaker 73 I'm not really?

Speaker 131 Have you ever seen someone on a pogo stick?

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 13 But I was happy. Maybe it was just good or something.

Speaker 68 Let's talk about the cockroaches, Audrey.

Speaker 83 You know, you let them.

Speaker 131 I didn't cause them, man. There was this bitch named Suzanne who lived in my house before me.
And she left like a whole fridge of organic food in the house and just left it. And then that's the thing.

Speaker 28 Did you make sandwiches out of it?

Speaker 131 No.

Speaker 131 you think I make sandwiches after getting off work making sandwiches that would be psychotic that would just be I don't hate myself that much

Speaker 131 that much all right I have a line I hula hoop but I don't make sandwiches for myself after I make sandwiches but it's just we left all this fucking product of like cabbage and like organic steak and now there were roaches in the fridge let's in the fridge in the fridge they were in the fridge how do they get in the fridge they i don't i don't know i don't i don't know what's going on and i spray them all the the time and I live with like a hippie who doesn't want to like kill everything and I want to bomb the whole house and he won't let me.

Speaker 131 He won't let me.

Speaker 27 Yeah, it's bad.

Speaker 131 It's so bad. And you know, if a cockroach goes in your ear, it can't go backwards.
So it just goes into your fucking head.

Speaker 62 Have you had a cockroach?

Speaker 131 You know, I don't know, but it's scary to think about.

Speaker 13 Heidi, bring out the scope.

Speaker 126 We're having the first ever ever kill Tony ear roach off.

Speaker 27 Let's go.

Speaker 75 Let's go.

Speaker 56 This is incredible.

Speaker 3 It's bad.

Speaker 131 It's really bad.

Speaker 28 If you had to guess how many roaches you see on an average day or night.

Speaker 131 Oh, my God. It's so bad.
I can't go in my kitchen because my room is clean. Because believe it or not, like my room is actually not a bad place to be in.
The kitchen's hell, but...

Speaker 51 Doubtful. Yeah.

Speaker 131 I know. That's why I said, believe it or not.

Speaker 135 That's why I

Speaker 25 asked or gotten an exterminator.

Speaker 131 I've been begging for one. I've been begging for an exterminator.

Speaker 131 Yeah, but

Speaker 131 the main roommate, like, he's the one who gatekeeps, you know, the information to the landlord.

Speaker 131 I can't just directly talk to Dana for some reason.

Speaker 56 Is that the landlord's name?

Speaker 131 That's Dana. Dana's my landlord.

Speaker 112 Yeah. Wow.
Dana,

Speaker 36 if you're watching.

Speaker 36 Was it an apartment?

Speaker 131 I'm just standing outside my kitchen and laying my hoop hard enough to leave.

Speaker 111 They're doing bug behavior to get his attention.

Speaker 14 They're taking over.

Speaker 131 Yeah, I even tried, like, I bought these Amazon. Like, they were like, oh, we use like certain sound frequencies to get rid of them.
They just started dancing to the rhythm. I swear to God.

Speaker 131 Yeah, they just liked it.

Speaker 53 They just had a senior cockroach correspondent, Brian Redband, says that does not work.

Speaker 84 He would know.

Speaker 31 There's anybody that has food scattered around his kitchen.

Speaker 131 But I would say on average, I see fucking 12 a day.

Speaker 117 Oh, wow.

Speaker 131 And they're big and small. They're the big ones and like the tiny ones.

Speaker 43 I'm going crazy.

Speaker 131 My God. I'm going insane.

Speaker 13 You you should see how many live ones you can fit into a sealed envelope and give that to the landlord yes

Speaker 131 that's a great idea i don't want to touch like i love every other bug i'm a huge bug fan but they really

Speaker 131 i sprayed one 20 times it took me 20 times to spray one with poison for it to die

Speaker 123 okay

Speaker 117 well

Speaker 10 audrey Absolutely incredible. Thanks.

Speaker 27 Here's a

Speaker 91 here's a little joke book.

Speaker 51 You don't want that.

Speaker 36 Here you go. No.

Speaker 11 There she goes, Audrey, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 30 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 36 On to the next one.

Speaker 31 This looks like an interesting name.

Speaker 30 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 143 There she is.

Speaker 15 The one and the only Heidi.

Speaker 7 Look, just making this stage nice, fixing the logo halfway.

Speaker 7 Halfway fix of the logo.

Speaker 12 Just

Speaker 115 a few degrees away from a perfect turn of the logo.

Speaker 75 But she tried, you know what I mean?

Speaker 32 Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name.

Speaker 64 Make some noise for Neil Rubinstein, everybody.

Speaker 12 Neil Rubinstein.

Speaker 12 Ooh.

Speaker 36 Everyone's good? We're good. All right.

Speaker 144 Yeah. Nuz, yeah, no, I get it.

Speaker 144 Because you guys saw me, you're like, this guy ain't afraid of nothing, you know?

Speaker 40 And then you heard me.

Speaker 4 And you're like, oh, he's afraid of the dark.

Speaker 73 That's what that is.

Speaker 144 I was told, I sound like the person I look like I kidnapped.

Speaker 135 I'm doing all right, okay.

Speaker 144 I don't mind being a big guy, you know, usually pretty safe, right?

Speaker 144 Like, I remember one time I was walking in Brooklyn, and this is before Brooklyn was a yoga studio, you know, so

Speaker 144 streets are so riddled with crime and gluten.

Speaker 144 And this dude popped out to mug me, and I was like, nah, man, get the next guy. And he was like, okay, thank you.

Speaker 101 I just scared him up.

Speaker 144 I was like, this is mint. Everyone should give this a shot.

Speaker 66 Oh, all right, cool.

Speaker 8 You are adorable, Neil Rubenstein.

Speaker 80 Is it Rubenstein or Rubenstein?

Speaker 146 Whatever's comfortable. Okay.

Speaker 17 I love it. it.

Speaker 27 That's a good answer.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 36 Good answer. Just spell it right, you know?

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 123 Incredible.

Speaker 36 So you're Jewish?

Speaker 144 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 37 And you're also a deli.

Speaker 65 That's incredible that you could be both.

Speaker 68 You're a Jewish deli all under a one-stop shop.

Speaker 140 I don't get that, but

Speaker 82 it is because you're filled with food.

Speaker 36 Oh, yes.

Speaker 4 Oh, a very good.

Speaker 8 You truly are a Rubenstein.

Speaker 40 Yeah, great.

Speaker 53 You are filled with Rubens, as in the sandwich that the cockroach girl makes during the day.

Speaker 140 Yes. That was a callback.

Speaker 36 Yes, indeed. Thank you.

Speaker 83 Look at you.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 146 He's killing it.

Speaker 69 I love it.

Speaker 54 Neil, you're very funny.

Speaker 76 How long have you been doing stand-up? 10 years.

Speaker 22 I love it.

Speaker 59 I could tell. We're at.

Speaker 52 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 144 I started in New York and I live here now. Well, I'm staying here now.
I don't know if I live here, but we'll see.

Speaker 83 Okay. How long have you been here?

Speaker 144 Since January.

Speaker 4 Okay. Do you like it?

Speaker 144 I like the city very much.

Speaker 144 I liked it as like when I would visit the scene, I liked the scene. But now that I'm like, because when you're like visiting, they're like, oh, come do my show, come do my show.

Speaker 144 And now that I'm here, they're like, well, fuck you, dude.

Speaker 144 But it's all right. I like it.

Speaker 66 We like you. Thanks.

Speaker 114 We like you. Cool, man.

Speaker 97 Other people,

Speaker 44 anyone who does that's just afraid that you're going to be funnier than them or something like that.

Speaker 144 Well, yeah, I like to think that, but who knows, you know?

Speaker 78 You're adorable.

Speaker 4 You're so likable and hard to do.

Speaker 71 All right, no, it's good.

Speaker 89 No, it's good.

Speaker 134 All right, cool, cool, cool.

Speaker 28 I don't know what to do here.

Speaker 37 I don't know whether to roast you or snuggle with you, Neil.

Speaker 73 Look, cutie pie. Snuggle.
Snuggle.

Speaker 13 Do you have any dark secrets?

Speaker 36 I have so many dark secrets.

Speaker 62 Yeah, let's find out about them.

Speaker 13 Darkest thing about you.

Speaker 144 I don't know, man. There's so much I try to leave that behind, you know?

Speaker 144 Just trying to fix the things I broke, you know?

Speaker 110 Like the floor. Furniture.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 144 Mostly patio furniture. Yeah.

Speaker 144 that's my dating profile. It says, I'll break your lawn furniture.

Speaker 56 Amazing.

Speaker 39 And is that Tinder or grinder?

Speaker 140 Both.

Speaker 92 I love it. What do you do for work, Neil?

Speaker 144 I had been a full-time comedian. Uh-huh.

Speaker 144 But

Speaker 144 sort of still doing that. But I, you know, you got to side hustles now because everybody.

Speaker 149 What are some of your side hustles?

Speaker 144 I just PA, like, not PA, like personal assistant stuff. I used to tour manage bands, so I have have like that skill set.

Speaker 144 So I help out a bigger comic on like some of their scheduling and itineraries and stuff.

Speaker 66 Very cool. Yeah.

Speaker 79 We like that. Yeah.

Speaker 51 That's cool, Neil.

Speaker 47 Keep it around, you know.

Speaker 54 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 149 You got hobbies?

Speaker 150 Yeah, like

Speaker 150 baseball.

Speaker 100 What do you like about baseball?

Speaker 144 I just, I think it's a wonderful sport. I think it involves athleticism and

Speaker 126 strategy.

Speaker 145 Nachos and helmets.

Speaker 54 and peanuts and cracker jacks,

Speaker 59 baby back ribs.

Speaker 151 Yeah,

Speaker 144 I like going to baseball games because I can have someone rub sunblock on me.

Speaker 126 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 36 You a Yankees?

Speaker 27 Yankees or Mets?

Speaker 23 Mets. Okay, look at that.

Speaker 75 You have a Mets tattoo.

Speaker 153 Yes, sir.

Speaker 91 Absolutely Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 10 I don't think I've met a bigger Mets fan.

Speaker 144 Bigger in size or in.

Speaker 153 That's all I know. I'm not that big.

Speaker 23 I'm actually wearing Mr.

Speaker 154 Mets' head under this shirt right now.

Speaker 63 You said you're not that big?

Speaker 35 What are you trying to say?

Speaker 144 No, I'm saying, like, there's...

Speaker 36 I mean, I'm tall.

Speaker 36 Yeah, yeah, that's what we're talking about.

Speaker 135 I'm not like using a rascal fat.

Speaker 150 I still fit in the booth at Applebee's.

Speaker 36 Like, I just, I'm just a.

Speaker 104 That's a great

Speaker 80 measurement system.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 144 Like, yeah, airplane bathrooms are difficult, but fucking who

Speaker 66 absolutely.

Speaker 47 Yeah. You have trouble?

Speaker 123 No, he does not.

Speaker 16 I'm dare like.

Speaker 25 You are three Carlos Sosas worth of human.

Speaker 21 Don't look at my band.

Speaker 142 That's the cut. I'm just saying, like,

Speaker 54 don't compare yourself to my band.

Speaker 4 Don't you dare. Over here, Neil.

Speaker 16 Over here, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 156 I like them so much, though.

Speaker 66 They're great.

Speaker 57 They really are.

Speaker 140 I kind of look like

Speaker 144 I'm Red Man back from the future to tell him to

Speaker 134 do it. There's still time.

Speaker 126 Don't do it. Don't do it.

Speaker 18 Oh, you know how to tickle my heart, Neil Rubenstein.

Speaker 13 Red Man, that's your looper.

Speaker 83 You have to kill him.

Speaker 36 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 117 It is your destiny.

Speaker 102 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 82 Neil is a baseball hat away from being the new co-host of Kill Tony.

Speaker 143 This is incredible.

Speaker 144 I couldn't fill those shoes.

Speaker 36 I'm sorry.

Speaker 83 Well,

Speaker 115 we know a guy that works at Foot Locker. We'll find out about that.

Speaker 25 Neil, tell us more about your life.

Speaker 145 Oh, man. I don't know.

Speaker 144 I don't know where to start.

Speaker 103 You've been married?

Speaker 4 Yeah, married, no kids, raised by wolves.

Speaker 36 What do you mean, raised by wolves?

Speaker 144 Ah, my parents, you know, everyone's got a thing.

Speaker 144 I played with played and toured with some rock bands, and then when you say you played with some rock bands, what do you mean?

Speaker 29 What did you do?

Speaker 144 I was just in a hardcore band a long time ago.

Speaker 40 What did you do? Sang?

Speaker 114 Playing?

Speaker 114 You sang?

Speaker 53 Let's play some hardcore music.

Speaker 115 How many of you want to hear Neil sing a little bit?

Speaker 18 Oh, no, you have to.

Speaker 89 A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

Speaker 52 Come on, Neil.

Speaker 43 Look that way. Come on.
I have a tiny voice.

Speaker 11 Hold on. All right.
Stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 144 I have a tiny little voice now.

Speaker 53 What are you talking about?

Speaker 115 Don't pull a fucking Val Kilmer on us right now, motherfucker.

Speaker 14 I destroyed my voice.

Speaker 13 Did you not always sound like this?

Speaker 144 No, no. I destroyed my voice.

Speaker 3 He damaged his vocal cords. Tony,

Speaker 13 he's technically disabled.

Speaker 47 Finally!

Speaker 4 Can I get one of those little placards for my car?

Speaker 36 What, what?

Speaker 126 What?

Speaker 39 The guy is just saying, sing.

Speaker 36 Sing!

Speaker 135 Did you miss the whole thing?

Speaker 144 We just did a thing about not doing that.

Speaker 110 My

Speaker 155 goodness. So what happened to your voice exactly?

Speaker 144 Just screaming a lot, you know, growing up.

Speaker 146 So you can't sing anything anymore?

Speaker 144 I can't really get louder. Like,

Speaker 144 I can do a little bit of projecting, but I can't sound cool.

Speaker 28 You used to sound cool?

Speaker 73 Maybe? It depends.

Speaker 144 Were you screaming kind of like screaming and shouty? A lot of shouty.

Speaker 13 Did you sound like this when you had to quit the band?

Speaker 146 No, no.

Speaker 73 Hey, guys, I don't know if I can sing my fucking shit up anymore.

Speaker 16 It's been real, guys.

Speaker 138 Peace out, everybody. I gotta hit the bricks.

Speaker 13 Did the

Speaker 13 tattoos come before or after you lost your voice?

Speaker 140 After.

Speaker 119 that makes sense i think like i started them

Speaker 88 and then

Speaker 144 yeah i started late though i didn't start getting tattooed till like early 20s right you gotta look scary what was the name of the big big band you were in i wasn't in a big i am on a taking back sunday record to taking back sunday record

Speaker 78 but just like background screaming not like i'm not a member but i have a platinum record which is nice okay what's that a platinum record yeah no back in the day platinum But what is the name of the record?

Speaker 4 Back before.

Speaker 144 Where you want to be and tell all your friends.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 18 And that's under your name, Neil Rubenstein.

Speaker 145 I'm on, I mean, I'm not a member of the band, but I'm on the record.

Speaker 144 And like, yeah, I mean, if you Google me, yeah, they're up there.

Speaker 13 A lot of us know Taking Back Sunday. Could you even just maybe give us like a hum of the part that you were on? Yeah.

Speaker 144 It's the brand new lyrics.

Speaker 36 Oh, no.

Speaker 144 I did that.

Speaker 103 What do you mean?

Speaker 144 They were like,

Speaker 144 this song is about just the fuck is that?

Speaker 62 Somebody shut that fucking lady up back there?

Speaker 39 Jesus.

Speaker 4 How do I have to say that?

Speaker 28 How many times would she have to just be annoying before somebody sends somebody the fuck back there?

Speaker 39 Jesus fucking Christ, people.

Speaker 36 That's 17 staff members just fucking watching.

Speaker 158 Okay. Would someone please mosh that lady right now?

Speaker 15 Literally begging for it.

Speaker 117 Spin kick that broad.

Speaker 36 So annoying.

Speaker 155 So, what were the lyrics?

Speaker 2 What is the lyrics? It's

Speaker 144 have another drink and drive yourself home. I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt. And again, when your head goes through the windshield.

Speaker 16 Let's go. Hell yeah.

Speaker 69 Wow.

Speaker 117 A fucking classic.

Speaker 69 Wow.

Speaker 140 I was a bad guy.

Speaker 59 What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Speaker 117 Go back to sleep.

Speaker 89 Red band.

Speaker 107 You know, I don't have a secret show this week because of Moontower, but if you're in town next Thursday, I would love to have you on the secret show.

Speaker 101 There you go.

Speaker 138 And you know what else?

Speaker 144 I am flying to Milwaukee for shows.

Speaker 7 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 107 Wow, ever since Minecraft, you have this big ego.

Speaker 120 There you go.

Speaker 10 I'll tell you what, Neil, I'm going to send you upstairs to the little boy, and you're going to perform in front of the booker of this club, Adam Egot, with 10 years of experience.

Speaker 18 We'll see if you can buckle down and give him a good set. You could be a regular old comedian here if you do good.
There goes Neil Rubenstein, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 89 All right.

Speaker 12 Let's get another bucket pull up here, shall we?

Speaker 58 All right, we know this young buck.

Speaker 37 He He does work here.

Speaker 21 Make some noise.

Speaker 61 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Riley Gilmore, everyone.

Speaker 15 Riley Gilmore.

Speaker 159 The other day I got a sad ending massage.

Speaker 159 They jizzed on me, so it was

Speaker 47 fuck the fuck, dude.

Speaker 88 Fucking Groupon.

Speaker 109 Mom, can you pick me up?

Speaker 38 Not going back there, but that place sucks.

Speaker 159 I was thinking about that phrase, thoughts and prayers. It's like people said after a tragedy, they're like, I send you my thoughts and my prayers.

Speaker 132 I get sending your prayers, that makes sense.

Speaker 159 But it's like, you want to send your thoughts?

Speaker 72 So, yeah, I'm praying for your family

Speaker 33 tits.

Speaker 160 Thinking Thinking about getting a bike, what else?

Speaker 38 Fucking might have lasagna later, but

Speaker 33 lasagna titties, that'd be cool. But

Speaker 36 all right, that's it for me, guys. Thank you very much.

Speaker 18 Wow, an unbelievable minute from Riley Gilmore.

Speaker 49 Incredible.

Speaker 80 You've been on this show a few times, right?

Speaker 160 Yeah, back in the 80s.

Speaker 122 Hell yeah, it's been a long time. It has been.

Speaker 36 That was back in the Vulcan days, right? Yeah.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 65 How's it been going?

Speaker 47 Dude, chill, bro.

Speaker 36 I love it. I don't know.

Speaker 25 I love it. Fantastic.

Speaker 30 What else, Riley?

Speaker 87 Tell us something interesting about you or your life that we would find.

Speaker 112 I've been gardening.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 4 You guys fuck with that.

Speaker 22 I don't know.

Speaker 121 What are you growing over there?

Speaker 78 Squash.

Speaker 69 Whoa.

Speaker 108 Berries, blackberries.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 123 Absolutely.

Speaker 38 Yeah, so that's pretty much it.

Speaker 126 Have you been eating your...

Speaker 105 Almost. They're almost ready.

Speaker 68 How big is the squash right now?

Speaker 69 A hot.

Speaker 56 That's hot. Yeah.

Speaker 23 Remind you of anything.

Speaker 66 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 13 This is a great look for chasing children out of your berry farm.

Speaker 127 I'm trying to keep those kids away.

Speaker 109 They keep fucking.

Speaker 35 Oh, man. Mr.

Speaker 25 Gilmore's looking through the window. Let's get out of here.

Speaker 73 Whoa, whoa, Ron, it's old man Gilmore.

Speaker 3 Yeah. But great set, man.

Speaker 47 Thanks.

Speaker 38 Get you guys up too.

Speaker 115 That's one of the all-time great moments in this show's history.

Speaker 39 That is the first

Speaker 25 12 years, hundreds and hundreds of episodes, thousands of different guests and bucket pulls.

Speaker 11 It is the first time anyone over there has asked us what we're up to.

Speaker 53 It's a first time for everything, it turns out.

Speaker 77 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 36 Go with it, man.

Speaker 39 We're podcasting. We're podcasting, dude.

Speaker 36 Just chilling. Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 69 I love it.

Speaker 30 Tell us about being a comedian in Austin.

Speaker 72 Wow, it's a crazy life, you know.

Speaker 33 Lots of pussy,

Speaker 4 no, uh,

Speaker 159 basically, I just have to take out the trash after you guys leave.

Speaker 36 I don't know,

Speaker 34 I do see you doing that a lot.

Speaker 151 Yeah, I love it.

Speaker 25 You are like the trash guy. Do you ask for that?

Speaker 36 Do you ask for that?

Speaker 160 Yeah, no, they promoted me.

Speaker 38 I used to work recycling, but

Speaker 38 no, I just love it.

Speaker 160 You know, I love cleaning.

Speaker 105 And so

Speaker 83 I'll get you later, bro.

Speaker 89 I got you. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 I used to be a trash guy. I love being the trash guy.

Speaker 110 Fuck you. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 13 I would sneak beers out when I was taking the trash out, and I would just drink.

Speaker 147 Oh, yeah, dude, by the trash.

Speaker 38 Fucking, you got to squirt it at the end.

Speaker 7 Smoke a cigarette by the trash.

Speaker 28 I've never been a trash guy, but I was known as the garbage guy a couple months ago

Speaker 53 in the news. Nice.

Speaker 54 Riley, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life.

Speaker 33 I can do a good lion impression.

Speaker 37 Oh, this is very exciting.

Speaker 63 Let's get the lighting right.

Speaker 28 Kino, hit us with that single spot.

Speaker 123 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever time in the show's history where we've had an impression of a lion.

Speaker 26 Riley is very excited. He has a lion's mane filled with

Speaker 25 carrot tops pubic hair

Speaker 26 lining his chin.

Speaker 65 There's nobody better to do a lion impression than him and this is that moment Riley Gilmore does his lion

Speaker 75 and this is what it sounds like

Speaker 139 okay I guess it's a all right

Speaker 37 thank you thank you very much it's more of a more of a snake perhaps dark fader getting hit in the nuts

Speaker 160 I need to drink more water yeah

Speaker 23 it's a very parched lion.

Speaker 132 Let me, can I try it again?

Speaker 26 Yeah, you want some, you want some.

Speaker 62 This guy's offering some water?

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 121 Yeah,

Speaker 28 no, the stranger in the front row.

Speaker 2 Thanks, bro.

Speaker 160 There it is. Some fucking $15 water right here.

Speaker 63 Should be very good.

Speaker 23 You're not lying.

Speaker 36 All right, here we go.

Speaker 134 Oh,

Speaker 134 God.

Speaker 134 This is...

Speaker 4 This sounds like fucking Neil Rubenstein adjusting his sleep apnea mask in the middle of the night.

Speaker 101 I'm not even that big.

Speaker 36 I mean, I'm not even that big.

Speaker 23 Here he is doing the lion one more time.

Speaker 148 Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen.

Speaker 25 This is Kill Tony, and this is Riley Gilmore's lion.

Speaker 101 I can't do it. I can't do it.

Speaker 126 I can't do it. It was so good in the lobby.

Speaker 76 All right, that's it.

Speaker 142 This is it. Man, he had it right up until the lion impression.

Speaker 127 God damn it.

Speaker 16 Fuck.

Speaker 13 I think we got to sanitize that microphone.

Speaker 25 This guy lost his lion voice.

Speaker 37 What lyrics did you write for Taking Back Sunday?

Speaker 132 All right, let me try to save it.

Speaker 148 I'll do an owl.

Speaker 23 Okay, all right.

Speaker 122 Well, you know what happens here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 83 If your lion ain't working, go with the owl.

Speaker 25 We've never had this before.

Speaker 32 Hundreds of episodes.

Speaker 25 Tens of thousands of hours.

Speaker 36 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever owl impression in Kiltoni history.

Speaker 119 Brace yourselves for the owl of Riley Gilmore.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 139 We're getting word.

Speaker 20 We are up for the first ever podcast, Sammy.

Speaker 139 Unbelievable.

Speaker 107 Riley, I would love to have you on the secret show next week.

Speaker 76 week. Thanks, Brad.

Speaker 139 You have one of these?

Speaker 163 You already got one?

Speaker 18 Yeah. There you go, Riley Gilmore.

Speaker 8 Wow, how much fun are we having tonight, huh?

Speaker 32 This is a fun episode.

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Speaker 65 And we have pure momentum.

Speaker 28 So why don't we do something fun and special.

Speaker 63 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you right now one of the greatest regulars in the show's history.

Speaker 28 Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time since he's been on the show.

Speaker 25 Here to grace us with a new minute, Kill Tony legend, Kill Tony Legendary Regular.

Speaker 15 Make some goddamn noise, sing it if you know the words.

Speaker 43 This is Hans Kim.

Speaker 89 What's up?

Speaker 109 It's good to be here.

Speaker 76 Thank you, sir.

Speaker 154 I am Hans Kim.

Speaker 154 And I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas. I'm Chinese.

Speaker 154 So there will be a 145% tariff added to your bill tonight.

Speaker 109 Take a good look at this shirt.

Speaker 154 You're going to have to make it soon.

Speaker 154 Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason.

Speaker 154 It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail.

Speaker 154 It's trying to get a mineral deal out of Ukraine. What is this guy, Cam Patterson?

Speaker 3 I'm not retarded, but I want your ox.

Speaker 109 I blame the Democrats.

Speaker 154 Why would you send a woman out against Trump? This guy grabs women by the pussy.

Speaker 154 He's got a finishing move.

Speaker 154 He's 2-0 against women right now.

Speaker 154 He's the best transgender athlete we have.

Speaker 109 All right, that's my time. Thank you very much.

Speaker 18 That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim.

Speaker 28 That was Hans Kim.

Speaker 62 Hell yeah, Hans. Welcome back.

Speaker 21 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 139 A fantastic set.

Speaker 3 It's good to be back.

Speaker 117 Everybody loved it.

Speaker 91 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 103 One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Look at the way that you look at me.

Speaker 39 Look how just perfect you are.

Speaker 68 You're focused. You're ready for anything.

Speaker 91 Let's check in with the panel here. Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 76 What do you think about this?

Speaker 40 I was just going to say, it's hard to see.

Speaker 13 It's hard to see the way he looks at you.

Speaker 63 It is incredible.

Speaker 26 He looks like he's in round 15 of one of those old boxing matches.

Speaker 11 His eyes are swollen shut.

Speaker 37 It is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 13 It looks like he's wearing like racist disguise glasses.

Speaker 75 Hans, catch us up.

Speaker 54 How's life been going for you?

Speaker 109 It's been going pretty good. Yeah.
Yeah, good to be back, you fuckers.

Speaker 84 Whoa, geez, got a little attitude to him.

Speaker 69 Don't know if I like that.

Speaker 154 No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 139 We know.

Speaker 70 Tell us about your life, Hans.

Speaker 28 It's been a while since you've been on.

Speaker 101 It's been great. It's domestic material.

Speaker 154 Been domesticated. Yes.
I have a cat stroller now.

Speaker 83 You have a what?

Speaker 154 I have a stroller for my two cats.

Speaker 49 Oh my god, that is incredible.

Speaker 13 Raising them like veal.

Speaker 4 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 123 How long?

Speaker 31 I didn't even know you had cats.

Speaker 154 Yeah, my girlfriend, she has a couple friends that can't take care of the cats, so they gave them to her.

Speaker 92 So you have just formerly owned cats.

Speaker 23 Yeah, used cats.

Speaker 77 Used cats.

Speaker 32 Just

Speaker 35 sloppy seconds.

Speaker 7 Just beat up pussy.

Speaker 37 Are they nice? Are they nice cats?

Speaker 154 They're very nice. They're great cats.
One's fat and old. It's like a dog.

Speaker 49 It's kind of dumb.

Speaker 73 Huh.

Speaker 151 Yeah.

Speaker 100 I can see. It's like us.
It's like us, Redman.

Speaker 28 One's fat and old.

Speaker 73 The other one gay as fuck.

Speaker 101 Red Band, you got me.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 43 Boom.

Speaker 40 I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one.

Speaker 40 Ouch.

Speaker 25 Ouch.

Speaker 25 Red Band giving thumbs up to the photographer.

Speaker 95 It's an incredible moment.

Speaker 18 Troy Conrad, world famous comedy photographer, right there in the moment.

Speaker 83 Red Band's magic moment.

Speaker 75 All right, Hans, catch us up with what else has been going on.

Speaker 21 You have a cat stroller.

Speaker 25 See, you walk your cats.

Speaker 108 Yeah, they hate it.

Speaker 83 Why do you do that?

Speaker 100 It seems like they wouldn't like that.

Speaker 39 They're house cats, right?

Speaker 109 Yeah, but it's like every creature dreams of freedom, you know.

Speaker 83 And it's like you're taking them out in a rolling prison, though.

Speaker 89 They can't get out.

Speaker 56 Yeah, there.

Speaker 25 So, Connor, what do you think about this?

Speaker 159 It's fucking psychotic.

Speaker 119 Walking cats in a cage?

Speaker 13 Also, what if someone sees you?

Speaker 126 It's the gayest shit in the world.

Speaker 121 Are you at all worried about your reputation?

Speaker 118 The paparazzi saying, we got Hans TMZ.

Speaker 26 We got Hans Kim walking two cats

Speaker 22 down 6th Street.

Speaker 154 I feel like that's content, you know? It's like, you know,

Speaker 13 breaking news. She's up there with the hula hoop.

Speaker 91 It is incredible.

Speaker 68 Perhaps you can let the Hulu hoop girl borrow your cats and they can chase down the hundreds of cockroaches that she has.

Speaker 28 Hans, anything else we should know about you before moving on?

Speaker 154 I hung out with Heath yesterday. We got drunk, Heath Cordez.

Speaker 21 We love Heath Cordes around here.

Speaker 115 Fresh off of playing Elon Musk's son on the Netflix Kill Tony.

Speaker 154 Yeah,

Speaker 154 he drinks a lot of alcohol.

Speaker 36 He does.

Speaker 37 This is not a joke.

Speaker 4 That little shit

Speaker 26 fucking pounds him down.

Speaker 154 It was jello shots last night, which is weird, doing jello shots with someone that looks like a child.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 104 It is.

Speaker 37 It is crazy.

Speaker 123 Heath's a fun guy to drink with, though, and he does.

Speaker 34 He fucking throws him back.

Speaker 28 It doesn't make much sense.

Speaker 78 But the boy can drink.

Speaker 40 He's a good guy. He's a good guy.

Speaker 154 Yeah, I put him in a Waymo, which is cool.

Speaker 8 No driver?

Speaker 13 Also, not a good look.

Speaker 68 So he got trashed, and you just put him in the back of a driverless car?

Speaker 28 Did you select the destination of that car?

Speaker 109 Yeah, I controlled it the whole time.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 49 That is frightening.

Speaker 121 And there wasn't enough room in the cat stroller?

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 89 Tim Butterley.

Speaker 59 I love it.

Speaker 115 Hans, you did it again.

Speaker 118 Fantastic fucking set.

Speaker 18 Fantastic goddamn interview.

Speaker 18 One of the legends of the Kiltoni universe.

Speaker 84 Hans Kim.

Speaker 28 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 15 You know, Hans was found out of the bucket.

Speaker 11 All of our regulars were ones discovered out of the bucket.

Speaker 15 And your next comedian could be the next big discovery anything can happen back to the bucket we go it's a one-word name makes some noise for poncho everybody I do believe it's the kill tony debut of poncho

Speaker 13 you know what's the worst time to be a f

Speaker 13 when you're hiding it from your wife and kids

Speaker 132 That's all you get for free. Thank you.

Speaker 21 Poncho, you have 34 seconds left.

Speaker 75 You're killing.

Speaker 13 If you're going to cheat on me, cheat on me with a lesbian.

Speaker 13 You know why?

Speaker 13 That way I know you really never got penetrated by a big, veiny, real dick.

Speaker 13 Y'all were just playing with dildos and licking each other.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I should have ended early.

Speaker 26 No, no, no, you still have 10 seconds.

Speaker 21 Poncho, do another joke, Poncho.

Speaker 53 What's going on?

Speaker 121 Do you know what show you're at?

Speaker 11 Jesus, Poncho.

Speaker 39 What kind of Mexican named Poncho tries to do one-third of the necessary work and then leave?

Speaker 89 What the fuck is going on here, Poncho?

Speaker 73 I'm doing this for free.

Speaker 14 This is free! This is what you get for free!

Speaker 23 Yeah,

Speaker 63 even if I was paying people that get pulled out of the bucket, I wouldn't give you anything right now.

Speaker 3 True.

Speaker 54 Okay, Poncho, let's talk about it.

Speaker 28 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 13 Three and a half years.

Speaker 37 Three and a half years, and you literally have 20 hot seconds of material.

Speaker 37 Where were these three and a half years at?

Speaker 13 LA, and

Speaker 13 I actually performed part of my minute in front of you you when you were in Ontario.

Speaker 13 You brought me up. I was one of the people on the stage, and you're like, I can't believe you thought this was going to work.
And then everyone laughed.

Speaker 36 And then, God, I don't remember this.

Speaker 119 Yeah, I'll show him.

Speaker 142 Because

Speaker 13 you asked me, like, hey, what do you do for work? And I'm like, I do comedy. And you just laughed at me.

Speaker 36 I do remember this.

Speaker 69 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 138 And you gave me a minute

Speaker 115 at the end of the show. I gave you a minute.
Thank you.

Speaker 11 Yeah,

Speaker 11 that was bad then.

Speaker 115 I remember now, Poncho.

Speaker 21 Poncho. This was many years ago, right?

Speaker 13 Like two years ago.

Speaker 123 It couldn't have been two years ago.

Speaker 36 I remember

Speaker 91 Rio Improv?

Speaker 13 Ontario or the other one?

Speaker 13 Brea or Brea.

Speaker 128 My bad.

Speaker 49 Okay, it doesn't really matter.

Speaker 69 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 11 Let's talk about it, Poncho.

Speaker 85 What do you do for work?

Speaker 13 Valet.

Speaker 57 You're a real valet guy.

Speaker 31 In Long Beach.

Speaker 13 Long Beach. I'm from L.A.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 36 So.

Speaker 39 What's your favorite car to valet?

Speaker 13 Driving the cars rough.

Speaker 108 I love to do that.

Speaker 13 Yeah, don't valet your cars because you get a Mexican like me to do it. I don't care about my job.

Speaker 36 Poncho.

Speaker 69 Oh, that's it.

Speaker 28 Poncho, poncho.

Speaker 13 What's the nicest car you've ever taken a joyride in? That's a good question. Lamborghini Urus.

Speaker 68 Oh my god, you drove somebody's fucking Lamborghini?

Speaker 13 Yeah, and then I figured out it was just an Audi. It just feels like an Audi.
So I would prefer an Audi R8, you know, like an RS? Wow.

Speaker 3 Yeah, over.

Speaker 13 And what do you drive in real life?

Speaker 31 A Toyota Solara.

Speaker 4 2005!

Speaker 13 Shit's clean. Cling title.

Speaker 30 It's just like an Audi.

Speaker 112 No, no, no, don't compare it.

Speaker 6 If it was up to Trump, you'd be Audi de Country.

Speaker 143 So stupid.

Speaker 29 I just came from Mexico.

Speaker 13 I actually visited Mexico.

Speaker 13 The Mexicans that are going to get deported, they're going to be all right, bro. Mexico's awesome.

Speaker 74 Okay.

Speaker 39 Would you stay at a resort somewhere?

Speaker 36 No.

Speaker 36 What did you win?

Speaker 83 An all-inclusive vacation?

Speaker 25 You're like, this isn't bad at all.

Speaker 13 I went to the rancho. I went to the rancho to go visit my family.
My mom's from Tepit Nayari.

Speaker 152 And she's nobody. Tepit Nayari.

Speaker 13 I hate when they switch like that.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 152 Doing that fucking avatar talk.

Speaker 121 Hey, Hiko, shut up.

Speaker 76 My mother's from.

Speaker 26 Where's your mother from?

Speaker 23 Tepeat Nayari.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 127 It's close to

Speaker 124 Puerto Vallarta.

Speaker 100 What do you think is the most Mexican thing about you?

Speaker 13 That's a good question. I think it's I'm lazy.

Speaker 21 Not his work ethic, says Michael Gonzalez.

Speaker 138 I'm really lazy.

Speaker 81 Michael throwing his own people under

Speaker 1 La Autoboos.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 21 What else, Poncho?

Speaker 28 Why do you go by the name Poncho?

Speaker 13 Because so people won't confuse me by confuse me with Arabians or like any other brown.

Speaker 119 You think people would think you're Arabian?

Speaker 13 They do think I'm Arabian. They think I'm hairy or something.
It's probably the laziness.

Speaker 13 So I say poncho so people be like, oh, no.

Speaker 76 The only time people would think you're Arabian is if they see you joyriding around in a Lamborghini.

Speaker 22 Poncho, here you go, buddy.

Speaker 36 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 115 Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 36 Oh, and he gives the crowd the finger.

Speaker 8 Poncho.

Speaker 162 Poncho with a complete heel turn.

Speaker 133 Oh

Speaker 148 my god.

Speaker 20 Poncho turning on the crowd.

Speaker 18 Heidi is here to fix it.

Speaker 8 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 26 And then a hero comes along.

Speaker 63 Poncho leaving with double birds.

Speaker 60 Double Mexican birds. For free.

Speaker 123 Absolutely.

Speaker 37 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 165 Yo, this is important, man. Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're pacebreakers, the ones with all the pockets.

Speaker 165 Well, I just got back from vacation, and I think I left them in my hotel room. And, dude, I need to replace these shorts.
I wear them like every day with that Lulu hoodie you got me.

Speaker 165 Could you send me the link to where you got them? Thanks, bro. Talk soon.

Speaker 131 Looking for your newest go-to's? Shop Lululemon's bestsellers now at lululemon.com.

Speaker 166 Chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more, can make me feel like a spectator in my own life.

Speaker 157 Botox, onobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those with 14 or fewer headache days a month.

Speaker 157 It's the number one prescribed branded chronic migraine preventive treatment.

Speaker 161 Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Speaker 161 Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Speaker 161 Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck, and injection, side pain, fatigue, and headache.

Speaker 161 Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Speaker 161 Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lugarik's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious serious side effects.

Speaker 166 Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit BotoxchronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-Botox to learn more.

Speaker 59 Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jordan Pablo, everyone.

Speaker 15 Jordan Pablo, we're having fun here today from poncho to Pablo.

Speaker 167 Hello, guys. I couldn't tell my ex-girlfriend what I was into in the bedroom, because then none of her friends would wear open-toed shoes around me.

Speaker 167 I've been in the closet for a long time about my foot fetish because I was smelling all the shoes.

Speaker 167 Yeah, I don't know what you guys are trying to do when you meet the right lady. I'm just trying to get off on the right foot.

Speaker 167 I don't know. Even when I get with a girl, I don't even know what to fucking do.
I was with this girl the other day.

Speaker 150 She's like, choke me, choke me.

Speaker 167 I'm like, is it that bad?

Speaker 167 She's like, no, I've been bad.

Speaker 24 I was like, no, you were great.

Speaker 66 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 152 Okay.

Speaker 139 48 seconds of Jordan Pablo.

Speaker 30 Jordan, welcome to the show. Is this your first time here?

Speaker 65 Yes, sir. How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 97 Five-ish years. Five-five-ish years.

Speaker 112 Where at?

Speaker 161 Colorado.

Speaker 85 What do you do for work?

Speaker 167 Waiter back there. Now I have no job.

Speaker 97 DoorDash.

Speaker 79 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 6 You're a waiter back there now you have no job DoorDash so you live here now

Speaker 87 trying to put this together in order that's a weird answer yes sir yes sir okay you live here yeah I just moved here how long have you lived here a week okay a week all right what have you seen

Speaker 74 about the city what do you know what have you seen

Speaker 29 I don't know if you're interested in a valet job

Speaker 167 I don't know I did acid uh Wednesday and I went to the the little room over there and I was talking just like you. I had no idea what I was fucking doing.

Speaker 71 Wow.

Speaker 26 Wow. Well, that's the end of your career.

Speaker 84 No, no, no. All right.

Speaker 85 Jordan, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 167 I like to go see concerts, comedy shows, LSD.

Speaker 167 Sometimes I try to talk to you.

Speaker 66 Fucker. Fuck.

Speaker 28 Are you really into feet as much as you've implied?

Speaker 76 No, I that's crazy. You noticed that.

Speaker 146 Like, I only like

Speaker 167 no, I like, I like, I just want to give my girlfriend a massage after a long day. Uh, my algorithm shows me a lot of them, uh, but other than that, I'm kind of, I don't know, I don't like this.

Speaker 13 I just like that they're not into feet, but your algorithm's showing you a lot of feet.

Speaker 55 Because you're staring at the pictures of feet

Speaker 13 and liking them and messaging the girls.

Speaker 24 yeah I don't know I like them but

Speaker 167 like it's hard to admit that to any girls so I ease my way into it

Speaker 167 I tiptoe into it

Speaker 53 all right what else about you Jordan any hobbies or anything interesting

Speaker 167 my my parents own cattle and the ranch in Mexico

Speaker 167 are you Mexican I'm Mexican yeah okay

Speaker 37 Okay. What'd you think of the last guy?

Speaker 167 Yeah, that's my cousin, yeah.

Speaker 10 Okay, Jordan.

Speaker 53 So you're door dashing.

Speaker 6 How's door dashing going in Austin?

Speaker 92 Horrible.

Speaker 167 Like, the pin, like, is, like, just, like, way off. I fucking never know which apartment number to go to.
The building numbers are just all...

Speaker 51 Blah compared to Colorado.

Speaker 36 Really?

Speaker 40 Yeah, I think, I don't know. They're not in like order here.

Speaker 167 A weird order. I don't know that I don't understand.

Speaker 51 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 28 That's interesting.

Speaker 21 You find this to be a thing?

Speaker 107 Are you doing it downtown? Is that you're DoorDashing downtown?

Speaker 167 No, freaking Northside. A lot of stuff.

Speaker 73 Flougerville?

Speaker 24 Yeah, Flugerville.

Speaker 69 Whoa.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 81 It's Red Band that you've been delivering.

Speaker 121 The Duke of Doordash.

Speaker 160 I love it.

Speaker 49 Jordan, what's your love life like

Speaker 36 in real life?

Speaker 56 Oh, it's kind of bad.

Speaker 167 I just like, I cling to girls. I like, I find a girl and she likes me.
I pretend I love her and then I just

Speaker 106 wow.

Speaker 167 Yeah, it's kind of, I'm a coward.

Speaker 167 I don't know how to admit what I actually like. I don't know how to like, I'm afraid of conflict.
It's a dumb thing.

Speaker 13 What's the furthest you've gone out of your comfort zone for these women?

Speaker 28 Good question.

Speaker 167 I don't know. When I was 14 in Mexico, like,

Speaker 110 were you like

Speaker 167 it was a quiz on yet? And, like,

Speaker 167 my cousins were like egging me on. They're like, you got to make the band dedicate a song to her.
And I was like, can you do that? And I just met this girl, and they're like, he loves you very much.

Speaker 167 And then they played like a really dirty, like, sex song. It was super weird.
Yeah, that's the best I've done.

Speaker 51 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 79 Absolutely incredible, Jordan.

Speaker 28 What's the last thing you do before you go to bed at night?

Speaker 167 Smoke weed.

Speaker 84 Really?

Speaker 167 That's the last thing? Smoke weed and talk to you.

Speaker 36 Or no, watch.

Speaker 53 Smoke weed and talk to me?

Speaker 39 Is that what you just said?

Speaker 26 Am I hearing this right?

Speaker 35 Am I fucking tripping?

Speaker 13 I'm starting to think this feet thing is really just cock.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 37 He loves cock.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Tell these girls about your foot thing?

Speaker 119 No.

Speaker 24 No. I just, I watch you.

Speaker 167 I'm a huge fan. I watch TikTok.
That's my last thing I do. Yeah.

Speaker 44 So you fall asleep watching this show.

Speaker 51 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 66 Adorable.

Speaker 13 Adorable.

Speaker 13 You should have lied about that.

Speaker 126 That's what you should have lied about.

Speaker 167 Makes my dick hard, man.

Speaker 37 Incredible.

Speaker 53 Do your parents support you doing comedy?

Speaker 127 They do.

Speaker 167 They haven't heard a lot of my jokes, though.

Speaker 40 How old are you?

Speaker 167 25.

Speaker 66 25.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 92 Well, there you go.

Speaker 28 You're right on pace, Jordan.

Speaker 91 Here's a little joke book for you.

Speaker 100 There you go.

Speaker 28 Congratulations.

Speaker 7 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 12 Ooh, it's some Mexican music.

Speaker 18 They like Jordan. That means the band likes Jordan Pablo.

Speaker 26 Notice Poncho did not get that kind of treatment.

Speaker 59 All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Dixon, everyone.

Speaker 81 Gordon Dixon.

Speaker 158 Make some fucking noise, Austin.

Speaker 36 Let's go.

Speaker 128 Florida is in the bill. I just moved here from Florida.

Speaker 116 Anybody from Florida in here?

Speaker 110 There's three people in here that can't read. That's what we...

Speaker 128 I took a girl on a date yesterday.

Speaker 128 She got a t-bone steak i ordered a fillette mcniggan that's how i knew

Speaker 49 she's oh you're from florida i said bitch you racist anyways

Speaker 128 austin's weird i've been here a year now uh i just found out that my roommates were swingers that's awkward

Speaker 128 yeah i found out the hard way i woke up to them having sex on top of me that's not

Speaker 110 whole room spent like booty hole on corn chips i knew

Speaker 128 but i'm single so of course i you know what i mean i

Speaker 23 Raw, too. I didn't give a fuck.

Speaker 109 That is what you do when you have old people with dementia.

Speaker 110 That's what you do.

Speaker 36 You fuck old people.

Speaker 128 And after I came to my senses, I was like, listen, mom and dad, y'all got to get out of here.

Speaker 23 All right. That is.

Speaker 104 I don't think I could get better than that.

Speaker 158 That's my time. I'm Gordon Dixon, yo.

Speaker 89 Wow.

Speaker 108 Gordon Dixon.

Speaker 81 Fucking his own mother and father.

Speaker 49 Win in Florida. Win in Florida.

Speaker 10 That is wild.

Speaker 54 Florida man fucks parents.

Speaker 53 Gordon, welcome to the show.

Speaker 84 How long have you been doing comedy?

Speaker 128 Almost six years now, July.

Speaker 3 Six years.

Speaker 78 Where at?

Speaker 88 Florida.

Speaker 26 Boy, that's a state.

Speaker 49 Tampa. I started in Tampa.
Tampa.

Speaker 24 Side splitters.

Speaker 128 Try out the side splitter.

Speaker 115 You still live there?

Speaker 128 No, no, I live here now.

Speaker 116 I live here.

Speaker 54 Okay, how long have you lived here?

Speaker 128 About a year now.

Speaker 59 What do you love about Austin, Tux?

Speaker 128 Everything. It's fucking crazy out here.

Speaker 4 I love it.

Speaker 128 Everyone's on some shit, so I'm on shit too now.

Speaker 116 I do edibles now. It's a good time.

Speaker 49 Okay, everyone's on some

Speaker 65 everyone's is on something okay what do you do for work i work at shakespeare's the bar over next door i'm a door guy bartender yeah amazing hell yeah hell yeah come see me okay what do you do for fun gordon other than edibles other than oh fuck i like karaoke i'm a karaoke guy terrible at singing but i like karaoke okay what's your go-to song oh fuck my go-to song is get low by uh flowrider and t-pain

Speaker 33 because it's nothing better than a girl with apple bottom jeans with a booty.

Speaker 24 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 128 It's a lot of dudes in the front, but there's some girls in the ass here. I know it.

Speaker 69 I know it.

Speaker 116 There's at least three, the ones from Florida. I know they got ass.

Speaker 65 Can you do a line from this song for us?

Speaker 31 Yeah, I can't.

Speaker 102 I can't.

Speaker 33 Shorty had them apple bottom GG's boots with the fur.

Speaker 151 The whole club will look at her.

Speaker 164 She hit the floor.

Speaker 164 Let's hang it up.

Speaker 101 Shorty got low, low, low. Ow.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Perfect.

Speaker 63 Just out of tune enough for us to not set off the algorithm on YouTube that will dock the entire payment of the episode and give it to

Speaker 69 T-Pain.

Speaker 128 Gotta love T-Pain.

Speaker 109 Florida Payne, baby.

Speaker 110 Florida Payne. Tyler Haskell.

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 63 What do you miss most about Florida?

Speaker 128 The beaches. I miss the beaches.
Y'all got nothing out here.

Speaker 49 This shit is terrible out here for water.

Speaker 103 What did you like to do at the beaches?

Speaker 128 I like to just be on the beach. I'm 40, so I like to watch people.

Speaker 7 I'm a creepy old 40-year-old. I'll just be...

Speaker 33 Yeah, girl.

Speaker 101 Especially when, and they got a thong in the ass, I'll be like, yeah, girl.

Speaker 33 20 years ago, oh, fuck you.

Speaker 101 Now I just beat off to the memory. I'll be like, yeah, bitch.
This is wow.

Speaker 96 Absolutely wild. I love it.

Speaker 67 Incredible.

Speaker 17 Tim.

Speaker 13 I'm not a watch guy. Is that a very nice watch he's wearing?

Speaker 63 That is a watch off of Amazon that looks like a very nice watch.

Speaker 36 Am I right?

Speaker 113 Yeah, it's a fake shop.

Speaker 128 It's a fake shop. It's F-shop.

Speaker 66 That's what they call it. Yeah, it cost me $10.

Speaker 110 Fuck all y'all. This shit look good.

Speaker 101 He thought it was real.

Speaker 36 I just want white people to think I have some real shit.

Speaker 110 That's all I want.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 63 No, I knew the second you came out here was the first thing I noticed.

Speaker 21 I'm like, look at that fake ass watch, probably from Florida.

Speaker 25 And there he goes.

Speaker 76 I'm from Florida.

Speaker 133 What's up?

Speaker 89 It is.

Speaker 110 Straight up.

Speaker 128 Cam sold me it when I met him in Orlando.

Speaker 110 Cam was like, I gotta watch for you.

Speaker 101 You wanna watch? I was like, I'll take it.

Speaker 26 He didn't sell it.

Speaker 53 Gordon, what's the craziest thing you've seen over at Shakespeare's right next door here?

Speaker 74 Sixth Street is crazy.

Speaker 37 This is is famously.

Speaker 26 36.

Speaker 37 This is insanity all the time.

Speaker 128 I think a black blind guy is the craziest thing I saw.

Speaker 128 No, I saw a homeless dude jerk off for 30 minutes outside.

Speaker 158 30 minutes. Outside of mothership, by the way.
And I had to, yeah, jerked off.

Speaker 128 I was looking at him because I didn't know what the fuck he was doing. And he was jerking off and looking at me.
And we made eye contact and came together.

Speaker 36 That's how I knew this is Austin.

Speaker 13 Lying to the people seeing you look at him.

Speaker 23 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 111 Why are you looking over there?

Speaker 13 I just can't tell what he's doing.

Speaker 30 It's crazy that a guy is horny enough to jerk off on 6th Street, yet not horny enough to come in under 30 minutes.

Speaker 95 I know.

Speaker 110 And I was watching him, too.

Speaker 128 I feel like my eyes are good enough for you to come whenever I watch you.

Speaker 79 That's crazy.

Speaker 92 Well, I mean...

Speaker 46 What was the last five minutes of that like?

Speaker 110 It was ecstasy.

Speaker 16 Were you hopeful?

Speaker 13 Were you kind of like rooting for him to not finish?

Speaker 128 I was hard as shit, so we were having fun together.

Speaker 59 No, but seriously, did he come?

Speaker 65 Did you see him?

Speaker 164 I don't know.

Speaker 128 I called the cops right off. I was like, nuts, that's crazy.
It's funny Mitzies, man.

Speaker 33 You disrespect your Mitzi like that.

Speaker 36 That's crazy, bro.

Speaker 13 30 minutes into it, you're...

Speaker 36 I should probably call it cash, man.

Speaker 164 It wasn't 30 minutes.

Speaker 128 It was like 25.

Speaker 164 But after that, it was like...

Speaker 36 That's a no.

Speaker 88 That's enough, bro.

Speaker 117 Wow. You got this big, bro.

Speaker 33 I was like, you call that a dick?

Speaker 127 I was like, let me show you a real dick.

Speaker 110 Come on, I'm black when there were current counts.

Speaker 13 Checked in at the 10-minute mark.

Speaker 125 He's like, come on, dude, finish.

Speaker 58 And he was still going.

Speaker 29 The cops came before he did.

Speaker 128 He stopped for the cops come. He saw the cops come.
He was like, oh, let me put it away.

Speaker 110 I was like, oh, I'm miserable now.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 92 I miss him. He was a good guy.
Incredible.

Speaker 37 And if you had to describe this guy, what exactly did he look like?

Speaker 83 The guy missed him.

Speaker 128 He didn't have that hat on, but I'm sure he had that tattoo right there.

Speaker 33 He definitely had that tattoo.

Speaker 27 That's him.

Speaker 101 all right you want to do the secret show i'm like yeah keep going red man

Speaker 36 i'll do it then

Speaker 108 love you red man i've been in your green room don't kick me out the next time you see me no we like you gordon thank you you're a good guy uh what ethnicity are you

Speaker 128 uh i'm i'm my dad is african and german and my mother is cape verdean which is an african and portuguese mix so i'm white and white, black and white.

Speaker 85 Man, white and white, black and white.

Speaker 92 Black and white.

Speaker 36 I'm a white.

Speaker 23 I'm half of you and half of him.

Speaker 101 Where it is, if you two fuck, I'll come out.

Speaker 56 That's what happens.

Speaker 64 What do you think is the whitest thing about you?

Speaker 128 My name, Gordon.

Speaker 110 That is the whitest thing about me.

Speaker 21 What do you think is the blackest thing about you?

Speaker 128 Definitely my credit score. It is 69.

Speaker 128 Wow.

Speaker 128 I will fuck my credit score.

Speaker 18 Here you go, Gordon.

Speaker 30 Thanks for swinging by.

Speaker 7 There you go. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 106 That's the whitest thing about you.

Speaker 15 That's the whitest part about you.

Speaker 15 The catching ability of Gordon Dixon.

Speaker 15 We're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 143 We are blasting through this episode.

Speaker 115 Everything is running very smoothly.

Speaker 149 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 15 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Patrick Christopher, everyone. Here we go.

Speaker 43 We still having fun out there?

Speaker 137 Austin, what is up?

Speaker 101 How you doing?

Speaker 137 Hell yeah, man. So I've been married for 12 years.

Speaker 137 So I'm ready to start dating it again.

Speaker 137 I want to know what love is, you know.

Speaker 137 No, my wife's my best friend. There's nothing sad about that.

Speaker 137 But she makes jokes too. She has jokes of her own, too.
You know, like anytime she's feeling her age, feeling old, she's like, oh, just trade me in already.

Speaker 137 You know, just trade me in for a newer model.

Speaker 2 Like, she's a car, right?

Speaker 137 And I love my wife. I would never trade her in.

Speaker 137 I do want to get a rental, though.

Speaker 137 You know, something fun,

Speaker 137 something new to me.

Speaker 137 Maybe something yellow.

Speaker 137 A lot of people don't get that joke, man.

Speaker 137 I had one lady yell out, what about a blue one?

Speaker 137 I was like, how do you know I like choking bitches?

Speaker 89 Fuck yes.

Speaker 67 Patrick Christopher.

Speaker 18 Hell yeah. Thumbs up to the band.

Speaker 168 Patrick.

Speaker 75 Welcome, Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 28 What do you think about this guy?

Speaker 13 Patrick Christopher, I did not expect you to walk out.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 137 Yeah, dude. I get a lot of gigs that way.

Speaker 137 Sometimes I think they're getting a black guy.

Speaker 101 I was like, well, I say it.

Speaker 88 All right.

Speaker 66 I love it.

Speaker 10 You're funny.

Speaker 122 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 137 Seven years.

Speaker 101 Seven years. Where are you at?

Speaker 137 San Antonio.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 137 Yeah. Actually,

Speaker 137 do y'all remember? I did Kill Tony like seven years ago.

Speaker 69 No, I don't remember.

Speaker 137 Red Band knows. We had a moment.

Speaker 28 You guys remember each other?

Speaker 93 Would you guys eat food together?

Speaker 83 Eat food together?

Speaker 22 Roast God, Tony.

Speaker 121 And wouldn't you guys eat?

Speaker 36 Writer of 13 Comedy Central Rose.

Speaker 127 What did you eat?

Speaker 89 All right.

Speaker 152 Patrick, what do you do for work?

Speaker 70 I work for a medical clinic.

Speaker 137 I do insurance.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 23 That's a lie.

Speaker 23 No, no, no.

Speaker 137 That's very true. It's very sad.

Speaker 137 Because I was doing comedy full-time and then I had to get a real job.

Speaker 36 That's okay.

Speaker 40 That makes sense.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 90 That makes sense.

Speaker 37 Your wife is also Latino?

Speaker 115 Yes.

Speaker 137 Latino, yes.

Speaker 100 What does she do?

Speaker 137 She's a server.

Speaker 93 Okay. Yep.
She's a Latina.

Speaker 25 All right. And you have kids?

Speaker 145 No kids. No kids.

Speaker 68 Let me ask you something because this is a fucking anomaly.

Speaker 35 How do two

Speaker 68 married for 12 years Latinos not have kids?

Speaker 137 I got her fixed after we got married.

Speaker 36 Oh, okay.

Speaker 59 You got her fixed or you got fixed?

Speaker 110 No, I got her fixed.

Speaker 76 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 106 Look at that.

Speaker 137 She had cancer. We had to deal with it.

Speaker 137 Really? Don't fucking back up now, bitch.

Speaker 67 No.

Speaker 137 12 years in remission.

Speaker 137 Hell yeah.

Speaker 137 Zero kids.

Speaker 26 Zero kids.

Speaker 30 So she had, what, ovarian cancer?

Speaker 76 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 25 Was that tough to go through?

Speaker 65 How long were you not allowed to fuck her for?

Speaker 137 It's been 12 years.

Speaker 49 You're a funny guy, Patrick.

Speaker 23 Thank you, man.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 28 My goodness gracious.

Speaker 90 What do you like to do for fun?

Speaker 137 When I'm not doing comedy, I play drums.

Speaker 18 No fucking way.

Speaker 8 No way.

Speaker 18 A Mexican that plays drums and is funny,

Speaker 47 this

Speaker 16 is a Mexican drama.

Speaker 18 You guys know how this works.

Speaker 21 Patrick does about a 20 to 30 or so second or so solo.

Speaker 21 If the audience decides that his solo is better than Michael Gonzalez's solo, then my friends, Patrick Christopher will have to move from San Antonio to Austin to be the full-time drummer of Kiltony.

Speaker 115 If Michael Gonzalez loses, he will have to move to San Antonio and fuck the barren vagina of Patrick Christopher's wife.

Speaker 36 Anything can happen.

Speaker 21 This is Kiltony, and this is a Mexican drum op.

Speaker 18 And this is Patrick Christopher.

Speaker 18 Wow,

Speaker 18 wow,

Speaker 9 the crowd goes wild.

Speaker 89 Oh

Speaker 8 my god.

Speaker 12 Oh my God, Chris, what do you think?

Speaker 13 All that not fucking really paid off.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 18 That guy's got absolute...

Speaker 13 Heavy on the drums head.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 30 A lot of pent-up fucking energy and testosterone.

Speaker 11 Patrick, get back out here.

Speaker 31 John D said, come out here and watch this ass woman.

Speaker 18 The band all fucking backs each other up.

Speaker 21 We get to hear a lot of fun stuff that you guys don't always get to hear.

Speaker 11 They defend each other.

Speaker 59 Patrick, that was a fantastic drum solo.

Speaker 43 But now the all-time, undefeated, all-time Mexican drum off reigning defending champion of Kiltoni, this is Michael Gonzalez.

Speaker 43 Wow,

Speaker 43 wow,

Speaker 43 wow.

Speaker 80 We'll be wet back after these messages.

Speaker 85 All right.

Speaker 12 Come on.

Speaker 20 All right. How many of you have Patrick Christopher winning this Mexican drama?

Speaker 31 How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

Speaker 18 No doubt about it.

Speaker 59 No doubt about it.

Speaker 53 Patrick, get back up there.

Speaker 90 How do you feel right now, Patrick?

Speaker 137 Out of bread, dude. I'm fucking out of shape, man.

Speaker 101 I said I play drums. I don't play drums currently.
It's fucking...

Speaker 11 You're a funny guy, Patrick.

Speaker 18 You know, I've never done this.

Speaker 21 I've never done this twice in one night, but I'm seven years of comedy. Everything you've done has been funny.

Speaker 7 I'm going to send you up to have Adamie get look at you as well.

Speaker 18 So you're going straight up to do a spot in front of the booker of the mothership right now.

Speaker 89 Right on? Right now.

Speaker 18 And I would love to have you on the secret show next week.

Speaker 18 And here's the big joke, Bug.

Speaker 18 Patrick Christopher, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 89 Oh my god,

Speaker 32 what a fucking episode this is.

Speaker 125 Also, can you put in a good word with Adam for me when you get up there?

Speaker 83 Even Tim hasn't gotten to perform in front of the booker of the mothership.

Speaker 21 All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ray Cheney, everybody.

Speaker 15 Ray Cheneby.

Speaker 33 Hello.

Speaker 108 I had sex with my first goth girl recently. That was pretty cool.

Speaker 108 I could tell she was goth because when she took a shit on my chest, the shit had a piercing.

Speaker 108 She told me she didn't think cum was good for your skin. Can you believe that?

Speaker 108 I told her, no, I know that cum is good for your skin.

Speaker 108 Because Because my belly button is glowing.

Speaker 136 Look at this shit, bitch.

Speaker 29 Take a look, fucking idiot.

Speaker 108 I do mass shootings.

Speaker 108 But it's with a t-shirt gun. I'm the mascot for Texas State.

Speaker 108 But when you open the t-shirt, it says, don't come to school tomorrow.

Speaker 23 All right.

Speaker 108 I like how Michael Jackson said, it didn't matter if you're black or white, and then decided.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 134 Ray

Speaker 89 Cheney.

Speaker 8 My God.

Speaker 64 Unbelievable.

Speaker 69 Fantastic.

Speaker 28 You've been on this show before, right, Ray?

Speaker 108 Yeah, it's been a couple years.

Speaker 7 Yeah, you're much better now.

Speaker 23 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 4 You've been working hard.

Speaker 31 Yeah, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 108 Almost four years now.

Speaker 37 Four years. All of it here in Texas.

Speaker 108 All of it in Texas, yeah.

Speaker 65 Yeah, is this where you're born and raised?

Speaker 108 I was actually born in New York. Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 29 Wow, says an absolutely retarded woman in the middle of the crowd.

Speaker 30 Her mind is completely blown at the fact that you could be from one of the most populous places in the United States of America.

Speaker 13 He doesn't even look that gay.

Speaker 26 You do have some wacky eyes, do you, Ray?

Speaker 21 I'm guessing upstate New York?

Speaker 108 An hour north, yes.

Speaker 22 Yes, you have dark, frightening eyes, Ray.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 81 A beautiful belly button, but frightening eyes.

Speaker 23 What do you do for work, Ray?

Speaker 36 I'm sorry? What do you do for work?

Speaker 108 I work at the Sunset Strip.

Speaker 36 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 148 Oh, look at this.

Speaker 36 Look at the CEO over here, the boss man.

Speaker 39 The proud boss, Brian Redpant.

Speaker 108 do a I do AV there and then I'm also an AV contractor like I do contract work I work in hotels and stuff it's gonna be hard to do AV in a place with unbelievably high ceilings you fill the fill the room with

Speaker 39 I work very hard yes it takes a lot of work

Speaker 84 okay

Speaker 37 what's it like working for Brian Redband a lot of people say he's one of the nicest bosses that he brings his extra donuts and stuff.

Speaker 23 He's great, yeah.

Speaker 108 My main positive feeling is that after Secret Show, I get to steal goodies and weed drinks. So that's...

Speaker 59 There you go. I don't think he, by the looks of his face, he didn't know that you were doing that.

Speaker 7 Looks as though.

Speaker 121 Give him four weeks off.

Speaker 22 All right. I'm fucked.
Holy shit.

Speaker 7 Even though I lose my job, though.

Speaker 54 Ray, what do you like to do for fun looking absolutely frightening?

Speaker 108 Let's see.

Speaker 108 Right now, I'm trying to learn Spanish really hard. Is that lame?

Speaker 21 No, no, it's good. What do you know so far?

Speaker 108 Just the basics. I can't really even communicate.

Speaker 147 It's taking a lot.

Speaker 33 We just thought it would be really hard.

Speaker 13 It's like letting people shit on your chest.

Speaker 108 Yeah, I only know those words.

Speaker 28 What do you know how to say?

Speaker 108 I could say, like,

Speaker 43 ah, fuck.

Speaker 108 I was trying to like talk to people in the

Speaker 108 fucking lair over there about just like

Speaker 34 Shakespeare's.

Speaker 38 Shakespeare's. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Doesn't know English that well.

Speaker 108 I was just trying to talk to them about like

Speaker 108 that. I went to, I was in Cuba for a couple of weeks a long time ago, and that's like the one phrase that I know how to talk about is like, oh, I was in Cuba a long time ago.

Speaker 108 And then they're like, yeah, really? And then they start speaking to me in Spanish.

Speaker 148 And then I'm like, all I do is like, I just.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 36 oh

Speaker 147 I do the Chinese eyes or whatever

Speaker 36 all right so absolutely nothing you know how to say nothing in Spanish no that's the answer to the question from two and a half minutes ago you know what's fun you know what's funny I

Speaker 121 never met a Duolingo dropout before

Speaker 108 I do Duolingo obsessively, but also I'm pretty good at listening to it because

Speaker 108 I listen to Tom Tom Cigar and Espanol over and over again the same episodes just to like learn and that's mainly what I do so I can't really speak but I can like understand when they're talking shit about me in a line of

Speaker 38 food truck you know

Speaker 117 right yeah right

Speaker 74 anyways how to how do you say uh how do you say the guy with creepy eyes ordered multiple tacos nothing um

Speaker 63 what's your love life like ray what do you stare at uh

Speaker 108 nothing right now uh

Speaker 108 working on finding someone to stare at uh

Speaker 122 it's been a couple months yeah yeah with like a date like what's the last date you went on like how does that go down are you on the apps I am on the apps I'm gonna hinge I'm a big hit on that

Speaker 108 what is your bio like damaged message does your bio say that you work at Sunset Strip no I try and I try and pretend I'm not a comedian because I'm I mostly hook up with liberal chicks that think I

Speaker 108 they think I'm a a white supremacist if I'm even a mile within if I'm even remotely close to this place.

Speaker 11 So I lie the whole time.

Speaker 86 I talk about Palestine and art.

Speaker 108 I know how to I really know how to con them into fucking me and then I go back to I lie about shit.

Speaker 101 He's using fluffy cheat codes.

Speaker 108 I talk about communism.

Speaker 86 I talk about the Berlin Wall.

Speaker 108 I do all that shit.

Speaker 13 Just every picture on Hinge Prime profile is eyes closed.

Speaker 147 Yeah, for a long time, my profile was really scary.

Speaker 108 I didn't adjust it the correct way. I had weird.

Speaker 108 I didn't smile in any of my photos, and then I showed my friend it, and they were like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Speaker 117 It's so frightening in this photo.

Speaker 122 What did that look like?

Speaker 28 What is you not smiling look like?

Speaker 91 Show us the.

Speaker 83 That is scary as hell.

Speaker 148 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Have any of the liberal girls that you've hung out with found out that you have common sense?

Speaker 83 Have you ever been like caught?

Speaker 108 Well, it's like I'll always go into dates and I'll go into it and really

Speaker 45 try and talk about how I like speaking my mind,

Speaker 108 use certain language like that, and then I test the waters and sometimes they'll be like,

Speaker 108 oh no, that's not okay.

Speaker 36 Please fuck me, please, fuck me.

Speaker 143 I'm going to shoot up a school if you don't fuck me, right?

Speaker 147 Please help me.

Speaker 108 I have to like, I give in eventually.

Speaker 49 I'm just like,

Speaker 121 Wow. Do this for the people of Insert High School.

Speaker 121 Wow.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 85 Compelling.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Can't imagine how terrified I'd be on a first date if someone was like, I really like to speak my mind.

Speaker 111 thinking they're being clever.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 28 Ray, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

Speaker 97 Shit.

Speaker 108 I guess

Speaker 108 I'm trying to become a citizen of Slovakia right now.

Speaker 7 Wait.

Speaker 70 Oh, shit.

Speaker 59 This is some fucking crazy.

Speaker 125 Heidi, grab the map.

Speaker 111 There's a beautiful castle I want to be in a vampire.

Speaker 115 What is going on in Slovakia to where you are trying to become a citizen?

Speaker 63 Guarantee you haven't learned a fucking word of their language yet.

Speaker 80 0% chance of that.

Speaker 108 It's really a bad language. It's a terrible...
But, oh, God, if they're listening, I love it.

Speaker 156 Let me in, please.

Speaker 63 What is it about Slovakia that you want to?

Speaker 108 So

Speaker 108 my ancestors are from there and I want to be able to get citizenship there so I can like own property and then also be able to like work there so as like a comedian it's like just a good idea I think if I want to

Speaker 108 owning but not not just in Slovakia it would be anywhere in the EU you get full citizenship so god I'm not gonna get in now because of this you want to own property I'm not gonna get in Slovakia you could own it anywhere in the EU if you do that so where would you buy property I don't know you could like Spain or somewhere that's is that what you would do

Speaker 69 this doesn't make any sense I'm just trying to figure it out so you live in America you're an American citizen I would I would keep the it's dual citizenship sure I got that but instead of buying property in the greatest country in the world you would buy property in I don't know anywhere in Europe you like don't even have an exact spread my wings you know maybe just keep the options open it keep it takes like two years to get citizenship it takes many many years for you to learn Spanish

Speaker 114 god I'm fucked I have no chance.

Speaker 13 When you start getting booked in Slovakia, could you put in a good word for me, please?

Speaker 111 I would love to have you on the secret show next week.

Speaker 159 Thank you so much.

Speaker 18 Here you go, Ray. Here's the big joke, Buck.
All right, one last bucket pull.

Speaker 36 One last

Speaker 22 bucket pull.

Speaker 15 Make some noise. For Mike Ayo Babebe.

Speaker 15 Mike Ayobebe.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah, here he is.

Speaker 43 Mike, I yo, babe.

Speaker 43 Woo!

Speaker 169 That's the black dance right there, the Dougie. You don't matter, don't matter what beat is going on, man.

Speaker 145 The nigga going Dougie.

Speaker 144 Man,

Speaker 169 this is a nice crowd. This is not an open mic, for sure.

Speaker 169 A little bit about myself. Ayo, baby, that's a crazy non-American last name right there.
Born and raised in Nigeria. Don't get scared.

Speaker 169 When I tell people that they want to put their phones away, man, think I'm going to send them an email.

Speaker 169 Let's chill. It's not coming.

Speaker 169 Nah, being born and raised in Nigeria, man, make you appreciate things that y'all in America take for granted.

Speaker 23 You know, clean air, clean water.

Speaker 169 Y'all got nice water here, man. The water in Nigeria, you can see germs and demons in that thing break dancing.

Speaker 127 You could see Chris Brown in your cup.

Speaker 169 I'm trying to tell you, man.

Speaker 169 You take a sip, you don't know what you're going to catch. You might catch a demon or disease.

Speaker 169 You might need a doctor or priest, you know, to relieve you of your pain. That's what you might.

Speaker 145 Okay, that's my time.

Speaker 36 Mike,

Speaker 13 are your baby?

Speaker 77 How do you say that?

Speaker 164 Are your baby?

Speaker 127 Are your baby?

Speaker 13 That's a crazy last name for a black guy because it's also the perfect thing to scream at your dad as he's leaving you.

Speaker 142 Nope, I got a father.

Speaker 52 Have a good night.

Speaker 138 Hey, I yo, baby.

Speaker 36 You got a father? Don't leave me.

Speaker 36 Both of them. Dad and mom.

Speaker 100 They both stay together.

Speaker 36 It's the African thing, man.

Speaker 4 Really?

Speaker 135 Yeah, man.

Speaker 127 When you porn, you stay together.

Speaker 47 You don't.

Speaker 65 Okay, and they're in Nigeria right now?

Speaker 169 No, no, they're in Minnesota, freezing their ass off.

Speaker 23 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 135 That's where I landed first in Minnesota.

Speaker 28 My goodness. What made you guys go to Minnesota first?

Speaker 68 You saw the George.

Speaker 135 You've been to Nigeria?

Speaker 145 What? Have you been to Nigeria?

Speaker 39 If I've been to Minnesota,

Speaker 76 I'd rather go to Nigeria to be honest with you.

Speaker 127 You go to Nigeria, you're going to want to leave and go anywhere but Nigeria.

Speaker 90 Yes, I think I would fit in just fine there.

Speaker 169 Oh, Tony, they're going to smell you right from the plane, man. What does that mean? We can't smell to you.
What does that mean?

Speaker 6 How old were you when you moved from Nigeria to the United States?

Speaker 127 I was about 13 years old.

Speaker 28 Okay, and what was the biggest difference that you noticed other than white people?

Speaker 117 Food.

Speaker 55 Okay, let's talk about Nigerian food for a second.

Speaker 103 Tell us about the cuisine of Nigeria. Go ahead, Tom.

Speaker 169 Man, we got the primary one is fufu.

Speaker 36 Foofu, yeah.

Speaker 114 Fufu sounds good.

Speaker 36 What's fufu?

Speaker 76 So fufu is like, it's like a doughy substance.

Speaker 169 It's made out of yams. You know, you put yams and then you put water.

Speaker 76 You pound it up and then it's turned it turns. It's like a gangster-ass mashed potato.

Speaker 73 Hell yeah. Oh, red band.

Speaker 27 That's the sound effect of the flies.

Speaker 4 Foofu is all around the foofu.

Speaker 23 Oh, no.

Speaker 151 Get out of here.

Speaker 151 Get out of here. Oh,

Speaker 16 man.

Speaker 142 You know, it be like that, man. You know, when it's hot, the flies.

Speaker 3 Come around.

Speaker 49 Absolutely.

Speaker 36 Absolutely. But yeah, foofu.

Speaker 150 We got that.

Speaker 169 Again, it's a doughy substance and then the different kinds of soups that you get with it.

Speaker 10 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 36 What do, uh,

Speaker 91 how did your parents get American citizenship?

Speaker 37 Are they part of a special program or something?

Speaker 4 Yeah, lottery visa.

Speaker 36 Lottery visa. Yeah.
Lottery visa.

Speaker 37 Yep. That must be.

Speaker 127 George Bush.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 127 Got me here. Republican, baby.

Speaker 152 George W.

Speaker 65 Bush, a Republican.

Speaker 76 Yeah, he signed that thing.

Speaker 59 No doubt about it.

Speaker 4 We know him very well.

Speaker 63 So, you went from the Bush because of a Bush.

Speaker 63 I was waiting on that. Ah, Zwenya.

Speaker 89 I love it.

Speaker 132 He took me, Judge Bush took me out the bush.

Speaker 35 Have you ever seen a lion?

Speaker 169 Oh, man, we ate them all in Nigeria, man. They ran out.

Speaker 47 They bounced.

Speaker 169 Really? They went to freaking Botswana and then, where the white people live.

Speaker 76 They're nice over there.

Speaker 151 A lot of whites.

Speaker 145 He was grilling them.

Speaker 59 A lot of whites in Botswana.

Speaker 47 That's right.

Speaker 23 Hell Hell yeah.

Speaker 59 What did your dad do for work in Nigeria?

Speaker 145 Oh, my God.

Speaker 61 Crazy. Did he work at a foot locker?

Speaker 164 I'd imagine there's a lot of them out there.

Speaker 135 No, I ain't no foot locker in Nigeria. Hell no.

Speaker 4 We'll eat that, too.

Speaker 145 He was a

Speaker 169 photographer in Nigeria, which didn't get him a lot of money.

Speaker 145 That's why we left.

Speaker 25 Like of animals and stuff?

Speaker 36 Of hungry people.

Speaker 169 You know, the kids with the fat bellies and the goddamn flies in their eyes.

Speaker 28 What does he do for work in Minnesota?

Speaker 47 Oh, man.

Speaker 169 Nursing home. That's what Africans come here to do.

Speaker 113 They get right into nursing home.

Speaker 55 They're like nurses.

Speaker 169 Well, nursing home, so nursing assistants.

Speaker 51 Right. Okay.

Speaker 78 Okay. That makes sense.

Speaker 13 Racking up easy W's on the patients. I don't know if you guys have seen the videos.

Speaker 59 Yeah, no doubt about it.

Speaker 145 We're the ones looking after the white grandparents. That's what they're doing.

Speaker 36 Slapping them around.

Speaker 101 Yep, that's right. Sign your pill with this contract yep patting the rap shut up and take your pill mr jefferson shut up your mouth

Speaker 168 take your pill

Speaker 43 bastards

Speaker 140 bring somebody next one

Speaker 13 you're just serving foofu all day

Speaker 21 oh man what is this that my grandma's eating why is there flies all over it she uses

Speaker 145 using our hands too that's a that's one thing you got to do with foo you got to use your hands to eat it.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 78 What do you do for work here in America?

Speaker 47 Oh, man.

Speaker 169 I did a lot of things.

Speaker 76 I used to sell cars.

Speaker 107 I used to work at a factory.

Speaker 169 Now, in Austin,

Speaker 148 I drive for Amazon.

Speaker 105 I do Amazon.

Speaker 79 And then I do Uber on the side.

Speaker 90 Again, you went from the Amazon to

Speaker 36 the Amazon.

Speaker 36 Absolutely.

Speaker 135 Man, it's just something about that bush and Amazon.

Speaker 21 Bush to bush, Amazon to Amazon.

Speaker 26 This is the American dream.

Speaker 121 What was that? It was a little jungle bird.

Speaker 31 That's actually the name of that sound effect.

Speaker 27 It means jungle bird.

Speaker 156 Man, yeah, yes, sir.

Speaker 66 I love it.

Speaker 34 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 72 Man.

Speaker 36 I bless the rains.

Speaker 18 Oh, my goodness gracious. He's doing it.

Speaker 89 Alive.

Speaker 18 We're getting word it just started raining outside.

Speaker 8 It is a downpour here in Austin.

Speaker 36 It's raining right now. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 111 Hopefully you all got your goddamn umbrellas.

Speaker 145 I just summoned them motherfuckers.

Speaker 36 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 151 Man, I don't know.

Speaker 156 I try to stay away from the police.

Speaker 101 That's what I do for fun, you know?

Speaker 31 Yep, that must that's a full-time job.

Speaker 169 Man, you know, so

Speaker 138 regular things.

Speaker 28 What are our thoughts about fat-bootied white bitches?

Speaker 72 Man,

Speaker 150 very good.

Speaker 100 I like, I like it. I like you like it.

Speaker 145 I saw a lot of big booty black women in Nigeria, you know.

Speaker 15 What do you prefer, black or white?

Speaker 169 Man, I don't, man, my dick don't discriminate, man.

Speaker 101 I accept

Speaker 169 accept any pussy I get right now, you know

Speaker 28 Amazing.

Speaker 11 When's the last time you got pussy?

Speaker 135 You seem like I got something coming this weekend.

Speaker 18 You got something coming?

Speaker 135 Yeah, I got some

Speaker 127 drill coming this weekend.

Speaker 47 God damn it.

Speaker 36 Some orders through Amazon.

Speaker 23 Some coochie on the way.

Speaker 28 You got a coming prime? Huh? Where's it coming from?

Speaker 4 Where's it coming from? Yeah.

Speaker 121 I'll bet you know,

Speaker 121 she's Spanish.

Speaker 142 She's Spanish. You know what I mean? I try to try something new.

Speaker 72 Try a little Mexico.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 83 i've tried black i was in minnesota i tried white a lot out there you know yeah what do you notice the difference between the white vagina and the black vagina

Speaker 23 man

Speaker 145 this one's on you it's man yo white vagina like it a little rougher they like Like it a little rougher, man. I don't know.

Speaker 91 When you say they like it a little rough, what exactly do you mean?

Speaker 169 You could smack a white bitch in the ass and she'd be cool with it.

Speaker 169 Black women, they try to take in the missions, man.

Speaker 135 Oh, nigga, that's too hard.

Speaker 88 That's too hard. Ah.

Speaker 135 That's too hard, bro.

Speaker 28 You would think based on history, it would be the other way around.

Speaker 150 Hey, yo, hey, hey, hey, man, how many Panthers died for this curtain to look fly right here, man?

Speaker 101 It's a lot of.

Speaker 89 Anyway, yeah.

Speaker 65 Well, Mike, before I let you go, one more crazy thing about your life that makes you different.

Speaker 91 What's something that you're into or that we would be surprised to know about you?

Speaker 107 I got a college degree.

Speaker 145 No way.

Speaker 147 S way.

Speaker 36 Fucking finished, man.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 169 Ain't using it, though. Ain't using it, though.

Speaker 127 Relax, baby.

Speaker 145 Social science, I'm working at Amazon.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 135 Shit didn't help my black ass.

Speaker 13 My goodness. Where did you go to school?

Speaker 169 I went to Winona State University.

Speaker 76 Well, I went to Juko first. I went to junior college first, Rochester, Minnesota, Rochester.

Speaker 169 Technical College, and then went to Winona State.

Speaker 16 What the hell is that?

Speaker 13 Did you say what your major was?

Speaker 164 Social, actually social work.

Speaker 76 Social work.

Speaker 76 Major, yeah.

Speaker 79 Social work.

Speaker 156 Helping people.

Speaker 13 Very noble.

Speaker 3 You are awesome.

Speaker 155 I like your style.

Speaker 63 The minute was a little rough.

Speaker 121 You're a little rusty.

Speaker 155 But you are so charismatic.

Speaker 57 The interview, absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 76 Appreciate you. I think

Speaker 18 you keep doing spots, keep getting out, keep working it out, and you're going to be just fine.

Speaker 107 Mike.

Speaker 18 aio baby you can't even make it up aio baby

Speaker 89 well

Speaker 30 there's only one way to end a show like this william montgomery is sick and ari maddie is in estonia so i present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen here with yet another new minute the guy who misses less than anybody he's always here never fucking says, hey, can I take a week off?

Speaker 65 Hey, I don't know.

Speaker 30 His work ethic is unbelievable.

Speaker 64 He is the undeniable, the one and only.

Speaker 32 This is Cam Patterson.

Speaker 101 Without Slavery, I could have been that nigga.

Speaker 151 Yikes.

Speaker 163 I be going to clubs and shit. I go to clubs a lot.
And I went to a club recently back home in Florida. And one of the bouncers had one of the wand things.
And he wandered the bottom of my feet.

Speaker 163 And I left that line immediately, dog.

Speaker 163 Because I don't want to go nowhere. They getting foot pistols here.
That's crazy. That's psychopathic.
And I also have a theory about bouncers.

Speaker 163 Not the bouncers here because they are regular people, but I think like

Speaker 163 bouncers anywhere else are all gay. That's what I think.

Speaker 163 I think they big gay niggas. That's what I think.

Speaker 163 Big undercover gay niggas because every time I go to a club they pat me down they always touch my dick my dick get touched every single time and they if the club is full they probably touch 200 dicks

Speaker 163 it's a lot of dicks to touch is a straight man gay ass nigga that's crazy it's gay

Speaker 163 and if i was a bouncer and i'm not because i'm not gay but if i was

Speaker 163 If I was a bouncer and I patted you down, you had a bigger dick than me, I would not let you in the club.

Speaker 163 No, my girlfriend's in there no

Speaker 163 no bucko it's gonna be a bunch of little dick niggas doing little dick dads and shit like that

Speaker 132 I'm big cam appreciate y'all

Speaker 89 that is how it's done yet another

Speaker 8 new

Speaker 32 minute and some change for Cam motherfucking Patterson

Speaker 110 absolute anomaly how are you Cam I'm good man how you feeling great yeah this is such a fucking fun action That's what we're going to watch tonight, right?

Speaker 164 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 163 That shit's been cool to see, though. That one Mexican nigga that came out and said, f it immediately was crazy.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 23 That was a psychopathic show.

Speaker 147 That was crazy as shit.

Speaker 3 And then it all went downhill from there.

Speaker 164 He tried to get out 23 seconds into his set.

Speaker 36 He's like, I appreciate that.

Speaker 83 Thank you. Good night.

Speaker 115 That was incredible.

Speaker 163 That nigga retarded, man. It's all good.

Speaker 121 It may have been one of the wildest.

Speaker 121 He started with pure heat and then he left with a barrage of booze and double birds.

Speaker 127 He met that shit, too.

Speaker 40 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 36 Oh, man.

Speaker 84 He turned on this crowd.

Speaker 10 Cam, my God, you have been a relentless regular on this show.

Speaker 28 Appreciate it.

Speaker 3 And yet you did it again.

Speaker 65 What's going on in your life?

Speaker 83 Nah, I got a new car.

Speaker 26 I got two new cars.

Speaker 123 Oh, you have two cars.

Speaker 36 Okay. Well, that's not the way it

Speaker 43 you were hoping you would see.

Speaker 163 You don't know where they are, though. You don't know where they are.

Speaker 115 Oh, well, I'm sure when I find out what they are.

Speaker 163 Yeah, you'll be more excited.

Speaker 56 One is a Chevy Impala.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 76 I know that.

Speaker 147 Yeah, I bought that.

Speaker 123 20-inch rims.

Speaker 163 No, no.

Speaker 33 94.

Speaker 36 24. 20-foot.

Speaker 147 Yeah, yeah, go.

Speaker 151 20 foe.

Speaker 33 Yeah, 24.

Speaker 164 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 101 Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 163 Wait, yeah, 96, fault, nigga.

Speaker 88 That's right.

Speaker 26 It is an unbelievable car.

Speaker 81 He insisted that I go to the parking lot and check it out when he got it.

Speaker 7 And I got to tell you, I was really proud of you.

Speaker 69 It was incredible.

Speaker 31 The wings are shiny.

Speaker 37 The inside is classy as hell. A lot of space.

Speaker 21 Hell yeah.

Speaker 163 Yeah. For fucking.
Yep. I'm going to fucking that car.
Yep. I'm going to fucking that car for sure.

Speaker 16 Yep.

Speaker 168 That's the fucking car.

Speaker 23 Have you done it yet?

Speaker 163 No, but I'm going to. I'm telling you, I'm going to fucking that car.

Speaker 168 All right.

Speaker 163 And I got salsa in me, too, so the seats rattle so her pussy get wet. Cause like a vibrator.

Speaker 121 All right.

Speaker 23 Yeah, nigga.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 168 I'm going to fucking that car.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 4 And you have a new car. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 163 Yep.

Speaker 26 What is this one?

Speaker 163 I'm on Facebook Marketplace too much. There's a problem.

Speaker 163 It's a 2014 Infinity.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 109 What made you get an Infinity? I don't know.

Speaker 126 Genetics.

Speaker 147 What did he say? What do you say?

Speaker 163 My daddy had an infinity. My granddaddy had an infinity.
Everybody had infinities, man.

Speaker 53 Your sister, Infinity, also had an infinity.

Speaker 76 To the stage, Infinity.

Speaker 89 Oh, my God.

Speaker 35 Cam, why would you get a second car?

Speaker 163 I don't know.

Speaker 92 Have you thought about buying property?

Speaker 79 Yes.

Speaker 163 I thought about it.

Speaker 163 That's all I did. I thought about it.

Speaker 127 I'm getting out. We're doing shit.

Speaker 13 Okay. How do you feel about Slovakia?

Speaker 163 What What is it?

Speaker 18 I don't fucking know.

Speaker 9 What is that?

Speaker 26 What color is this Infinity?

Speaker 56 It's like a, it's like a, it's like.

Speaker 163 I don't even know how to explain. It's like, it's got a wrap on it.
It's like, it's like purple. Yes.

Speaker 54 I fucking knew it.

Speaker 15 I fucking knew it.

Speaker 164 From the second you said infinity, I'm like, I shouldn't ask him the color.

Speaker 115 It's kind of a boring question in front of millions of viewers.

Speaker 25 But I'll bet it's purple. I want to ask.

Speaker 56 I bet it's fucking

Speaker 85 purple-ish.

Speaker 101 Fuck you, Tony.

Speaker 148 i know i can see the color it's like purple it's like almost black but it's got like a purple tint

Speaker 21 pink plum john d's our senior black correspondent is saying plum

Speaker 121 and we know that it's plum i can literally i know you well enough to know the look on your face

Speaker 36 what do you

Speaker 63 could show you on a fucking i will have breadband bring up the fucking color thing and i will show you the color and you're gonna drop the mic because i'm gonna fucking nail it but how do you think it's plum why do you think it's plum what why do you you think it's plum?

Speaker 9 What make you think it's plum?

Speaker 127 What makes you believe it's a plum color?

Speaker 85 I don't understand.

Speaker 69 Oh,

Speaker 88 okay.

Speaker 31 Well, that's kind of just like normal.

Speaker 74 Okay, here, maybe this one, this chart right here.

Speaker 9 You brought up a rainbow. That's gay.

Speaker 8 Well,

Speaker 36 dude, with a purple car.

Speaker 101 Fucking rainbow is cute.

Speaker 163 Stupid gay, super gay. Purple is cool.
It's not purple, though. It's not purple.

Speaker 101 But if it was purple, it'd be fucking cool.

Speaker 163 It's not plum, you fucking.

Speaker 168 I mean, I do.

Speaker 31 I'm gonna pick this square right here. How close am I to correct?

Speaker 36 That's the fucking color, dude.

Speaker 168 Go up a little bit.

Speaker 84 It's plum, dude. Pink?

Speaker 163 No, not pink.

Speaker 28 It's a little, it's a little darker than that, but it's got that that

Speaker 47 You're wrong

Speaker 37 If you had to say the color of the car, how would you describe it?

Speaker 36 Purplish.

Speaker 36 God.

Speaker 68 So much fun.

Speaker 115 What else, Cam?

Speaker 28 Anything else we should know about?

Speaker 23 Ah, that's it, really.

Speaker 88 Oh!

Speaker 95 Oh, no.

Speaker 51 Uh-oh.

Speaker 163 Oh, no, there is. No, no.
So I was going to Canada.

Speaker 47 We went to Canada this weekend.

Speaker 163 It was in Toronto. And my dad had been to Canada a couple of times, like a lot with me.

Speaker 110 Oh, Kenny Patterson.

Speaker 123 Like a lot.

Speaker 59 Legend of Kenny Patterson.

Speaker 163 It gets stronger today.

Speaker 168 So he goes to Canada a lot.

Speaker 163 And then we went through the, what is it, the immigration or whatever the fuck with them niggas is?

Speaker 9 Yep.

Speaker 168 Customs. Yep.
Customs. Went through customs.

Speaker 163 And the dude was like, y'all got to go inside for a second. And so we're going, it's me, my dad, and my sister.
And we're going inside.

Speaker 163 We drove over from Buffalo. And we went inside.
And he just, the lady just called my dad over. And then she was like, yeah, you got like a domestic abuse charge

Speaker 163 from 99.

Speaker 163 oh my god and i was born in 99 so oh

Speaker 101 my god

Speaker 163 he just went well see y'all in buffalo nigga i don't know

Speaker 13 he made his wife purple

Speaker 163 oh and then they made him walk back to uh to america

Speaker 107 really yeah you can't go to canada if you have any kind of charge like that he got in three times and he told a lady that he was like i I got in three times.

Speaker 163 She was like, we didn't see the first couple times. He was like, you're a dumb bitch.
And I was like, wait a minute.

Speaker 168 Don't do it again. Not here.

Speaker 142 This ain't the place to do it.

Speaker 115 Cam, you are the man.

Speaker 18 Thank you so much. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 89 Wow.

Speaker 18 Killing it, Cam Patterson. How about one more time for tonight's guests? Tim Butterly is on tour.

Speaker 30 TimButterly.com.

Speaker 18 Tim Butterly show check out Dad Me one more time for Chris O'Connor everybody

Speaker 20 tires season two June 4th

Speaker 11 Stuff Island is this podcast thank you to Blue Chew and Nicked Nicotine Pouches These guys are on tour check them out atchriso Connor.com and Tim Butterly.com the drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 13 Belt is in thank you very much for having me Tony this is a fucking pleasure dude Tim Butterly dream come true Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 11 Fun times, gentlemen.

Speaker 20 How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land?

Speaker 15 Red band.

Speaker 13 Check out the sunsetstripatx.com.

Speaker 107 Love you guys.

Speaker 30 Go re-watch the Netflix special.

Speaker 143 Shout out to

Speaker 15 our good friend Shane Gillis for holding it down as the great Donald Trump.

Speaker 30 Kyle Dungan and Adam Ray and everybody, Rogan, Segura, all the special treats.

Speaker 32 Jeff Ross, everyone.

Speaker 11 live audience. Thank you so much.

Speaker 15 We love you.

Speaker 18 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 170 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 170 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.