#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Red Cody Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Thanks for those with the best damn fan in the fucking land right there.

Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo on the horns.

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Hopefully he gets shot in the head by the end of the episode.

How about a hand from Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums?

Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

John B's on the keys, and this is indeed the one and only live in the flesh, the great and powerful D-Madness on the bass guitar.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what?

All right.

Every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world.

This week, no different.

Ladies and gentlemen, two returning guests, two of my favorites.

This is a mixture of chemistry of two

hilarious comedians that are willing to truly be themselves on this show.

They're not nervous.

They're fun.

We're going to have a blast.

I present to you one of the the record holders for all time appearances as a guest on this show and one of my favorite guests who debuted this year in 2025.

Make some noise for Louis J.

Gomez and LaMer Lee.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Lewis.

Jay Gomez, the creator of Skank Best, the Legion of Skanks, and Story Wars.

Skank hands are in the air.

The great and powerful LeMer Lee, ladies and gentlemen, huge pro wrestling fan not getting the size of pop that he was expecting here

powerful lemer one of my favorite goofy debut guests of 2025 makes himself right at home very silly i'm i'm hanging out one of the most likable characters humanly imaginable brought us to the

what these guys look mad No, they're happy.

They're happy, Le Maire.

All right.

Don't make me give you the fist.

Whoa.

Yeah, they're actually a racist.

It's like a Puerto Rican and a black guy.

We didn't pay for this shit.

Yeah, exactly.

This is Texas.

Where's the white people?

That's right.

In the audience.

Luis J.

Gomez is here.

Truly, I do believe he may have the record now, for sure, I think.

I think so.

It's 20-some-odd appearances.

This is where brothers from back in the day.

I was doing the show when it was in the comedy store belly room.

20, 30 people in the crowd.

Look at this shit.

You guys are going to Netflix.

Holy shit.

not only does he have the record for all-time appearances on the show.

He also has the record for the least watched episodes ever.

I actually glanced through for the first time in forever.

I glanced through our video library today, and it's amazing how few some of these episodes were watched.

And I noticed a direct correlation between you and us only getting like a couple hundred thousand views.

I'm like, wait, how's a 4,200,000?

Yeah, well, I'm shadow banned from most platforms, Tony.

Well, that's your fault for booking me.

You're an idiot.

That's it.

And you know what?

I have no regrets because contrary to popular belief, I clearly love Puerto Rican garbage.

Here it is.

Luis Jay Gomez.

Proof,

by the way.

Proof.

They could have looked that up.

Any of the fucking media outlets could have been like, wait, he seems to really love this guy and Kim Congdon.

Truly, like, I mean, Joe.

Two of the most garbage Puerto Ricans on the planet.

And meanwhile, they called me racist.

And here I am propping you up while you cost me millions of views every time I have you on an episode.

You guys know how it works, clearly, all time appearances, but I'm going to remind everybody here anyway, about 300 human beings, innocent souls, people that could, anyway, I mean anything can fucking happen here.

And they signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I'm going to have this.

I'm going to have this gas station attendant fucking pull the first one

You don't have to say it out loud, sir, but Jesus Now we go wrangle that person from next door and while we do that while we get our first bucket pull of the night Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage one of the finest characters in the history of the show to get us started tonight This is America's favorite uncle.

This is a guy out on the killers of killtony tour absolutely crushing it an old soul

but a young spirit ladies and gentlemen this

is a brand new minute from david charlie

how y'all doing tonight white people in puerto rico

hell yeah i ain't a political person but i don't like the way they treating women in the uh in the media you know like saying women can't be the president and shit i was raised by a strong black woman i believe women could could do anything a man could do, you know.

Clap, bitches.

I'm talking about y'all.

Have a little fucking

faith in yourself.

We let you bitches read and write, you know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

The sad part about it is, I don't think we ever gonna see a female president unless that bitch is trans.

Them good old boys ain't letting no fully loaded bitch in office.

They got to have a dog in the fight.

Like, hey, you a woman, but bitch, don't forget where you come from.

That's how they did us with Obama.

I get it.

They had to have a dog in the fight, you know what I mean?

We wanted Jesse Jackson.

They was like, be fucking for real.

You better get this orange nigga and get the fuck out of here before we change our mind.

But if you think about it, this is a lot of strong trans women, you know?

You got Caitlin Jenner.

Wendy Williams.

You know that bitch got a dick.

And I know that bitch dick bigger than mine, you know what I mean?

You be fucking that bitch around the the back of shit, slapping your kneecap like, God damn.

Throw it over your shoulder, you big donkey dick bitch.

Hell yeah, that's my time.

Thank y'all.

You big donkey dick bitch.

Put it on a t-shirt.

David Jolly has arrived.

David, welcome back to the show.

Hey, thank you, Tony.

It's always great to be here, man.

Absolutely.

You know, some good jokes there.

I have some beef with your setups.

You said that the media said that a woman can't be president.

But the media is the the only thing that says that a woman can be president.

Hey, I was,

I usually, well, you know, shit, I fucked up, you know what I mean?

She went out of me, you know what I'm saying?

La Maire.

The media, the people.

I'd vote for a woman.

Yeah, no shit.

You're a liberal pussy, LeMaire.

We've had this talk before.

We've gotten into awkward talks in the green room.

I told you to stop before Rogan can walk back in.

It was good.

I want you to work in this city, LeMaire.

Try to save you.

She was a cop, dude.

All right, never mind.

Yeah, she was a cop that locked up people that look like you, Le Maire, for having less than a gram of wheat.

She would lock up Lewis right now for spilling a martini if she was.

I was just so upset that he said he'd vote for a woman, Tony.

Incredible.

Ridiculous.

And look, I like women.

We just got to wait for the right one.

And I like your premise.

I like the whole fucking Caitlin thing, everything that you got going there.

Yeah, I appreciate it, man.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm just speaking fags, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

You're speaking fags.

Whoa.

All right.

Lewis likes any opportunity to say the word fag, and he found one there.

There's going to be a lot more windows that open up before the end of the night.

David, you know, I never really get to ask you about your personal life.

I wonder,

what's your living situation like?

Do you live by yourself?

Yeah, I stay by myself.

You stay by yourself?

It's a one-bedroom?

It's a two-bedroom.

Two-bedroom.

Who lives in the other bedroom?

Nobody, just me.

You got the whole place?

Yeah, yeah, I walk around that bit butt-ass naked.

You run around naked?

Let them nuts hang out.

You hear me?

And you have a couch and a TV and a...

Yeah, I live pretty good right now.

You know, I'm making a little couple dollars, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

My life is actually pretty fucking amazing.

You know what I'm saying?

You have a sound system?

Oh, you mine.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

I swear that bitch immune to black people.

I ain't hear that bitch out.

You didn't hear it at all.

I still don't hear it.

I go home and be like, what the fuck is Red Bear talking about?

I don't hear shit in here.

Goddamn bird bird losing.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Oh, man.

What do you think if you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why exactly I'm noticing John D's?

John, this was hitting close to home with John Dee's.

I've never really seen him laugh this hard at something.

I swear, no.

If you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why it is that the smoke detector beep goes unnoticed with you people and you people only, and when I say you people, I fucking mean you people

let there be no confusion here yeah yeah why

why do you think it is that black people don't notice that they need to change the batteries in the smoke detector alarm this is a this is a hope there's

you know that dog whistle that that we can't hear but dogs can hear uh-huh it's like that with smoke of that okay black people don't hear i never heard it i still don't hear it's a pitch

talking about when trump gives gives a speech?

Is that a dog whistle?

Hey, man, stop talking about Trump, man.

You know what I'm saying?

We live in Texas, buddy.

Relax.

You know what I mean?

LaMer being

oddly political.

Don't say anything bad.

That bitch like that dog whistle.

You know what I'm saying?

Black people can't hear it.

Okay.

I ain't hear it at first until I listened hard enough and I was like, oh shit, that's a smoke.

Smoke seven.

David, what do you think is the blackest thing about you other than your skin, your speech, and your overall demeanor?

The black is probably my dick.

That bitch pretty black now.

That bitch, sometimes I got to put lotion on that motherfucker.

That bitch like a gray color some days, you feel me?

Absolutely.

It get great now.

Now, I'm also curious to know what do you think is the whitest thing about you, David Jolly?

Oh, that's a touch.

Oh, this is more like an orange.

Oh, the inside of your hand.

Not physically, but like with your behaviors.

I believe that Sublime is the greatest band of all time.

Hey, I'm ready to die on that mountain.

You know what I'm saying?

You feel me, white man?

Hell yeah.

He likes Sublime.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Sublime was a good time, man.

That surprises me.

Not the one with Rome.

That's bullshit.

You know what I'm saying?

Not the new Sublime.

Yeah, fuck that bullshit.

I mean, Rome can sing, but he wasn't on heroin at the same time.

So it ain't the same effect.

It's got to have the heroin.

Yeah, I like my rock and roll stars to do drugs, you know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh.

Like the hard drugs, the real ones, you know?

Yeah, no doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

David, you got it started here tonight.

Is there anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go since the last time we saw you?

Shit, I just, you know,

you know.

Oh, I got a video to hit a million views.

That fucking fucking mechanic video.

That bitch is going pretty good.

I got a lot of dumbass videos I've been making.

I got one coming out this Wednesday, every Wednesday, man.

Every Wednesday.

How do people see those?

Oh, oh, I can say that.

Oh, Mr.

D.

Jolly, bitch, on Instagram.

M-R-D-Jolly on Instagram.

Same thing on TikTok and everything else.

Even Black People Meet.

You know what I'm saying?

Hell yeah.

All right.

Appreciate that, Tony.

I don't know what just happened there, but yeah.

There he is.

Yeah.

World star.

There he goes.

David Jolly.

All right.

On to the bucket we go, ladies.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my.

You know what?

I think I might need to lotion up my penis.

Heidi's here, here, everybody.

I need to borrow some of David Jolly's cocoa butter

and think about a dude while I do it.

All right.

Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Trish Smart, everyone.

Sounds like a familiar name.

I think we might have seen her before.

Here she is.

Make some noise, people, for Trish Smart.

What's up?

Somebody outside tried to make fun of me.

They were like, is that a black belt and dick sucking

about my necklace?

I was like, what do you think happens at Claire's?

Like, you can't buy this $8.99 three-pack.

You got to go to the back and prove it.

I don't know.

I started arguing back with him too.

I was like, I'd only suck a dick to refuse a UTI.

He didn't get it either.

I am dating again, though.

I don't get dating.

Like, I don't know how many times it takes for you to tell somebody to stop sticking a finger in your asshole till they stop doing it.

But it's not for.

Every time I get slapped in the face during sex, I think the exact same thing.

I'm like,

that was unexpected.

I don't know why you thought that that was okay.

Good, okay.

Okay.

I heard them out.

You closed your set, huh?

With just a hard head nod.

Trish Smart.

Welcome to the bottom.

You back full on eye contact.

I didn't know what else to do.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Trish Smart.

You could have been like, that's it.

That's it.

That's it, guys.

All right.

There she is, Trish Smart.

How long you've been doing stand-up, Trish?

It'll be eight years now.

Eight years.

Okay.

And you've been on the show once before?

I have.

What did we find out?

What was the highlight of your interview last time you were on?

The highlight of my interview was that I was making paintings of myself acrylic on the toilet to sell at comedy shows.

Okay.

Yeah.

And how much would one of those go for?

Uh-oh, someone's about to vote for Trish Smart for president, everybody.

It's not as bad as you think, especially the Black Friday sale that you had one time.

I had a black Barber.

Okay, Red Band.

Let's get back to the soundboard.

He's a red man, everybody.

All right, Trish.

Red Ban looks like he has a black barber.

Okay, all right.

Thank you.

Look what happens when you talk.

No, that's a compliment.

Okay,

all right.

I'm sure the internet's dying right now.

The black barber.

Why would a, why, wait, why, let's find out after all.

Why does it look like he has a black barber?

Because he has like a fresh shave.

Like a, you like.

he looks fucking disgusting.

What are you talking about, Trish?

I've never seen red band look worse than right now.

It is unbelievable.

He looks like he crawled out of the fucking sewer today.

What are you talking about?

He's gray, has no voice.

You're disgusted.

Stop trying to talk.

You're not in shape for podcasting tonight.

Literally, there's all these buttons.

Here, hit one.

Turn up your fucking volume and hit a fucking button.

There you go.

Hit anything.

Try it.

Hey, all right.

There you go.

Okay, stick to that.

Put the mic down.

Trish,

tell us what's been going on with your life since the last time we saw you.

Well, it's been a year now.

Adam Ray bought me that week of hotels.

That's how we get started.

It was free, and then I accidentally invited a homeless musician.

I adopted him, and he destroyed the hotel room.

And I had to call Adam Ray and be like, listen, this guy brought a dog.

Like, all this stuff happened.

And he thought it was very funny.

So that's how that ended.

He didn't.

Let me just update you.

Please.

There's no way.

And I haven't talked with Adam about this.

He was being a nice guy, guy, giving you a hotel room.

Yeah.

There's no way he thought it was funny.

Well, I hate.

There's a 0% chance.

I'm sure he laughed at you because he's like being nice, but like...

No, I paid for it.

Well, I bet you fucking did.

I mean, that would be crazy.

What made you invite a homeless man with a dog into the hotel room that Adam Ray was nice enough to pay for?

Well, he was living across the street.

And then I was like, all right, you can take a shower.

And then I was like, all right, you can do laundry.

And then one day he like tried to have sex with me.

And as a joke, I was like, what's your STD status?

And he said it would be an honor to die with you.

Wow.

And then I was like, you have to leave.

Like, you have to go, right?

And then.

This guy was actually funnier than you.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

I'd love to hear his version of the story where he's like, hey, this homeless chick let me stay in her hotel room.

I'm afraid to say it, but your mustache kind of looks like my panty liner.

Okay, Trish.

My mustache is covered in shit right now, just so you know.

I'll paint it later and then sell it.

Okay, this is getting weird.

Trish, please stop trying to

thaw the panel tonight.

It's not, your roasting skills are

very, very, very, very, they're like complimentary.

Would you like me to compliment you?

Okay, yes, I'm gay.

Good one, Trish.

Let's just move forward.

I was going to say, Trish, how does it feel to be the reference photo for John Waters Plastic Surgeon?

Oh, God.

Jesus fucking Christ, Trish.

Nobody?

All right.

Yes, literally fucking nobody.

In a room of 300 fucking people.

Nobody.

Eight years of experience.

I tell you to stop roasting the panel.

You're like, how about one more?

How about this reference from 1960 something?

You fucking

good goots, Trish.

God, this bucket.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

I can already tell how fucking tonight's going to go.

So, Trish, anything else about your life that we should know about?

I don't know if I should say this, but I had a friend pass away a couple days ago.

I think I'm feeling pretty strange about it today.

Okay, how did they pass away?

Are you guys familiar with the term Ketflix and chill?

Nope.

It's where you do ketamine and I'm pretty sure you Ket Flicks and killed.

And I don't know if I should be saying that, but I feel like when something is like so fresh that you're just like, I want to talk about it and I don't know how.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I agree with you.

I got a dead girlfriend, and I.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You do?

Yeah.

I went and I did a show that night, so I understand totally what you're talking about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did a show last night.

I talked to...

Hold on, stop.

Trish, shut the fuck up.

LeMaire, when did you have a dead girlfriend?

When I was first starting comedy, back in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 717 until I died.

Okay, so you were in PA and you had a girlfriend, and then how did she die?

She had pancreatitis, a very avoidable disease.

Unless you're a black lady.

And then what happened?

So she just kind of got sick that day.

She got sick and after two weeks, she passed away.

She laid around with pancreatitis for two weeks or did she go to the hospital?

She went to the hospital and they kept sending her back.

They were like, that's not what you got.

Oh my God.

Sorry, dude.

It's okay.

Really unfortunate.

I didn't mean to take the moment away from you.

I love how we just didn't give a shit about our friend at all.

Like, yeah, fuck that guy.

Mine wasn't going very well, so it's fine.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

To be fair, I also would have killed myself with drugs if I had to hang out with you.

Yeah.

It is true.

Okay.

I don't understand how the Netflix

has anything to do with your friend overdosing on ketamine.

Ketflix is like a popular term where you do ketamine and just watch TV.

It basically means like you do it by yourself.

Have you ever heard of spun fun, Tony?

Uh-uh.

That's when you do meth and you fuck.

Wow.

Have you ever done that?

I haven't done it.

Yeah, that seems like two ways to

doing meth and fucking or two ways to burn calories, which seems like one of your least favorite things to do.

Anyway.

Trish,

sorry about your friend.

It seems to be weighing heavy on you with your terrible roast jokes.

I'm sure your friend is looking up at you right now while burning in hell.

And roasting in hell.

And yeah, and roasting better than you.

Thank you.

So there she goes.

Trish Smart.

She's got a good sense of humor.

Relax, people.

She's been doing it eight years.

She's smiling.

Oh, Tony, so mean to the girl whose friend died.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

She said I looked like a John Waters thing or something.

Jesus Christ.

How about one more roast joke?

You look like John Waters

something.

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Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull.

As you see, anything can happen.

This person could, this person's mother could have died today.

Her body could still be warm.

Okay, make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody.

Man, I can't stand managers, yo.

I can't stand managers.

You ever see a job interviews?

They always ask you stupid shit.

Like, where do you see yourself in five years?

I'll be looking at them like probably in front of another motherfucker asking me, where do I see myself in five years, man?

I can't stand managers, yo, when they come into the office, 8 a.m., ready to go, energized, hopped up on cocaine and coffee.

I don't do that shit, man.

Don't come into the office 8 a.m., hopped up on cocaine and coffee, and I'm 15 minutes late.

High on weed, bitch.

Like, we just not on the same wavelengths.

Now, I can't stand it, man.

As soon as I come into the office, first thing I hear, hey, Marvin, I need you to do me a favor.

I need you to put in this order, print up, scandal, facts, and email it to me.

Communicate to Phyllis the location of the Packers.

Redo the recognition, correlate the Tyson turn.

Somebody's a flannel again.

I'm going to be late to Friday's meeting video today is Tuesday.

I need you to organize the filing capital alphabet, but it can chronologically and then do inventory.

Then I need you to stay overtime while I lead area and probably overtime to my family typing this over yours because we're going to go to the movies.

If you need anything, just send me an email at CC John, okay?

And I'm high on weed light.

All right,

let me get a pen real quick.

Hold on.

All right, that's me.

All right, Marvin Izzy.

You were on very recently.

Am I correct, Marvin?

Yeah, man.

This was my redemption, man.

Like, the first one was the night of the crazy turbo mode bucket pools and stuff, you know?

And then I got called the very next week, you know?

But I was really awkward that day.

I was, like, in my shell acting just not myself, man.

And here you are now.

Taking corny shots at you and Red Band.

So my bad on that for y'all, you know?

Wow.

And I do want to answer one question.

We just got to see what the last girl's going to say next time she's on.

Isn't that exciting?

This is incredible.

But I did want to answer one question for you because you did ask me what was one of the most Puerto Rican things about me.

And I said I was watered down.

By that, I meant like I don't eat rice and beans, I don't, you know, listen to reggaetong or anything like that, but I am proud when I say I'm Taino.

You know, this is Puerto Rican natives.

What does that mean exactly?

It means that my people were also here before everyone else and got raped as well.

And this is why light skins come out.

Wait, hold on a second.

I always find it so interesting when a culture tries to make themselves a victim.

No, we're the ones of the indigenous.

I want to know more about exactly what you mean.

No, we're the indigenous.

Hold on, let me check in with Louis Jacobi.

Yes, sir.

My senior Puerto Rican correspondent.

When the rapists become the rapists.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Is that the original shankers where the

stop fucking raping me, dude?

I'll rape you, Holmes.

Hey, dude, I think we're just fucking now, bro.

Dude, you rape me, I rape you.

We're fucking, bro.

Dude, Taino.

I'm gonna get that shit fucking that dude on my fucking unathletic arm, dude.

he's just trying to get us deported bro you see this

no okay

let me see that tattoo again so taino that that means like original puerto ricans yeah sol taino

first of all let's talk about the health of your arm

exactly what the fuck do you do play video games like what what is it what do you not do i i don't want to bring it up because i said it last time man but it's just i'm still in recovery because i had a heart attack a year ago you know oh so i'm right yes right

you're unbelievably unhealthy have you ever thought about like lifting something well i'm gonna get into that now because i'm under the weight that i wanted to be like i wanted to stay at 165 and i'm 156 completely the you know dyslexic so typical

typical so puerto rican to try to get in the welter weight division

hey i have to make weight before i can start lifting dudes so that i can fucking rape some dudes dude.

Le Maire.

I bet he has abs.

Let's see.

I bet you have.

Compared to you, he has abs, Le Mer.

All right, here we go.

Oh, fucking disgusting, ladies and gentlemen.

Absolutely.

His stomach looks like your face.

Oh, my God.

So, Marvin, how long you been doing stand-up?

14 years, man.

14 fucking years?

Yeah, that's why I thought I was real mad at myself last time.

I dropped the ball.

I'm like, I ain't doing it tonight.

No, hell no.

I mean, you barely held on to the ball tonight.

Yeah.

You drop it, but you know.

I meant during the interview because

last time I was weird as shit.

So I want to be at least, you know, positive weird today.

Okay.

All right.

Well, you're still in it right now, so be careful because there's nothing weirder you can do than talk about how weird it could be right now in the interview.

Whoa, there it is.

Fucking dirt Kreiser.

All right.

Marvin.

Tell me something crazy about your your life that I didn't find out last time we were on.

You've had some time to think about it.

Yeah, man.

It's funny you keep saying I'm out of shape for shit.

I used to actually wrestle.

Like backyard wrestle and shit.

What was your?

Were you like a luchador or something?

Did you wear a mask?

No, I was a hardy.

You know what I mean?

I tried to be like a hardy boy and shit.

But

I was doing some.

La Maire.

What do you think about this?

Did you jump off a roof?

Yeah, if there was one.

It was like, since I was in the Bronx doing this shit, so we were doing it in like playgrounds.

So I kind of jumped off

that little hut house shit that got like slides and stuff.

I know.

Jump through Swanton bombs off of that shit.

You know what I mean?

Onto the concrete.

Rubber mats, you know, the ones that be burning in 90 degrees.

You gotta throw water on that bitch before you lose hairs on your arm and shit.

Okay, all right.

The people are relating down there.

Yeah, they call.

You were more of a hardy essay.

All right.

All right.

LeMaire will now swallow the incredible Hulk glove in one swallow like it's a pill.

There you go.

Shove it in that LeMaire.

All right, Marvin, you got little joke books, right?

Last time, yeah.

That's right.

And then there you go.

It remains the same.

Yeah.

Oh, I got you.

It was good.

It was good.

You did the trick where you talk really, really, really, really, really, really fast.

And then the fucking crowd went wild.

But the tricks, you know, it's a trick.

You know that.

You've been doing it 14 years.

Yeah.

You know that that gets an applause break based on principle, not exactly because it's hilarious.

Anybody could memorize that and ramble it off.

There you go.

Yeah.

There it is.

There he goes.

Marvin Izzy.

Hey, look at the silent crowd.

Like, wait, we got tricked.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, you did.

That's an old trick.

Can I just say, though, what?

My next one, I will be invited to the sequence show.

Okay.

All right, may I make a suggestion?

Grow a fat pair of tits.

All right.

red band books his show in a very specific way

good areolus lemaire all right

this looks like a new name thank god let's meet them all together make some noise for rj mckeegan everybody rj mckeegan

here he is

so i signed up from bumble about a month ago and i met this chick on there and she was a big Texas Longhorn fan.

So we went to the basketball game together and she kept yelling, hook them horns, hook them horns.

So at the end of the night, I fucked her in the butt and I fished hooked her and I was like, hook them horns, hook them horns.

But I like hot chicks, but you know,

I like hot chicks, but I have a gay twin brother and his name is Tommy.

And when I go to bars and I meet a hot chick, I say, oh, hey, queen.

Hey, queen.

Oh, I love your hair!

Your tits feel so good!

And we become best friends.

And at the end of the night, I tell them, I lost my keys, I don't have anywhere to stay, and they let me come back with them because I'm gay and I won't try anything.

Then we get back to their house, we take a bunch of shots, and then RJ comes out of me, and I fuck the living shit out of them.

Wow.

First, let's check in with Louis J.

J.

Gomez.

I can't even look at you right now.

Lewis.

I'm Irish.

I'm Irish, Tony.

Can I offer you some ketamine?

Okay, Le Maire?

I'm speechless.

Thank you.

They forgot about my joke.

RJ, you are incredibly unfunny.

Let's talk about it.

Okay.

That's what this show's all about.

All different shapes, sizes.

I pull a new name out for the first time tonight, and you come out just guns ablaze and absolutely.

Hey, Tony, I'm only gay on Monday, okay?

So.

What?

Also, you guys have the same fucking voice.

Yeah, well,

he's actually shaped like a man, so it's more embarrassing for him.

RJ, were you raised by women?

Why do you sound like that?

I'm from Seattle.

Okay, what else?

Let me ask you this.

Do you see your gay brother when you look in the mirror?

It's my alter ego to pick up women, Tony.

Okay.

RJ, oh my God.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

I'm new.

So how long have you been doing it, you fucking retard?

So, so I had a, I just got divorced.

My ex-wife was a redhead.

And

RJ how long have you been on stand-up comedy one month one month one month how often have you done it you do it once a week twice I've done it like I've uh three weeks I've been here I've done it 10 times so okay and you thought you were ready for this

I think I am okay

wow okay

how old are you RJ I'm 39.

39.

What do you do for work?

I own a semi-trailer rental company in Omaha, Nebraska.

Okay.

Omaha rules.

Yeah.

All right.

I used to own a big trucking company, but I worked 70 hours a week and it was too much for me.

So I quit that.

I met some rich motherfuckers in Nebraska and they started a semi-trailer rental company with me.

Why'd you put the black sent on motherfuckers?

You didn't have it.

Is it because I related to you?

I don't know.

Exactly.

Yeah, we're all related.

Blacks and Irish are like the same, you know, same race, you know?

No.

Why, how?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

If you're going going to say that, you have to follow it up with a fucking thing.

Okay, so I was watching this

World War II documentary the other week, and I got so happy we all know about the blacks versus the Irish.

I got so happy.

I couldn't believe.

Hitler was going to put the Nazis or the Irish in the master race.

And I was like, what the fuck?

No one's ever believed in the Irish before.

And the British, they've treated us like shit for thousands of years.

So when the Nazis were fighting the British, I was rooting for the fucking Nazis.

I was like, Elon, Elon.

Boo Nazis, but up the road.

Has somebody told you that you're funny ever or anything like that?

What exactly?

This is like Red Band trying to get in the NBA right now.

Like this is, what, what are you doing in this industry?

Okay, well, I got a lot of pain from my ex-wife divorcing me, so I moved here.

Okay, let's stop right there.

Okay.

Your ex-wife may have been onto something here.

Yeah.

Okay, well, she was a redheaded.

And you know what a red-headed wife gets you when you're a successful businessman?

Lots of anal sex.

And for the first year of her marriage, we had anal sex.

RJ, take this fucking little joke book.

Get the fuck out of here.

RJ McKeegan.

And here we go.

Tony, this is the.

No, RJ.

No handshakes.

Go, go.

Get the touch people.

There's a fucking consolation prize.

Luis J.

Gomez.

This rules.

Yeah.

I love when they're bad.

It's so fun.

Yeah, it is.

It's part of the show.

We love it.

We fucking love it.

Look at that.

Look at this retard trying to go in between tables to get back to his seat.

That's not really the path to take.

Hell yeah.

I love it.

No, you're good.

I love it.

Everyone's retarded tonight.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

He goes by the name of Matt Sargent, everybody.

Matt Sarge.

Are we having fun tonight, huh?

Oh, holy fuck.

What's up,

bitches?

I'm talking to all the 14 women here in this fucking sausage fest.

This is cool.

Everybody here from Austin?

Three of the most boring fucking people you've ever met in in your goddamn life.

This city makes me want to kill myself.

I would have already drowned myself in Lady Bird Lake if it weren't for the fact that anybody that finds my dead body is just going to assume that it's a gay one.

Hey, it's like it's one of them floating queers.

He's floating face down.

Look at him.

Oh, thank God.

This is going to be better than I thought it would.

Hell yeah.

This place is fucking bright.

Jesus.

So many ugly people.

This is a very Austin crowd.

You know what I mean?

It's a very diverse crowd.

Never seen so many different kinds of white people in my life.

All right.

Well, I guess that's all my time.

My name's Matt Sargent.

All right, Matt Sargent.

You have some

extra stuff that doesn't even make sense.

You have good jokes.

I don't know why you're acknowledging how white the room you're literally.

This is a black, a Puerto Rican, black, Mexican, three Mexicans, black, super white.

Why do you keep saying gray?

There's a gray guy.

There's a fucking illegal immigrant right in front of you.

Well done.

But he's with his dad, so it's okay.

He's Mexican, Mexican.

Is his dad legal?

Don't make jokes.

There's Mexicans everywhere.

There's women everywhere.

There's so many women in the crowd.

You said there's

14 women here.

They're the hottest ladies in Austin.

In between your jokes you make stuff up and then talk about the lighting i'm nervous i don't know i yeah uh

you don't have to be look at your hair god i wish you told me that 50 how could you be nervous with fucking hair like that that's absolutely incredible uh good hair on top of my head and then i got a lot on my ass so i think that's uh

okay

prove it uh

absolutely not uh oh this is a nice belt buckle i'm not unbuttoning this for nobody except uh Mr.

Tony Hinchcliffe here.

All right.

Matt, what are you into exactly?

I got real incel vibes when you came out and called it a sausage fest with an average amount of women in the audience.

No, I just thought it was a kind of an easy jazz.

I see a lot of glasses in here connected to a lot of weird-looking dudes' faces.

You see, now you're calling out glasses because you see, what, one, two, three guys with glasses?

How many do you see?

What's with you in numbers?

It's actually a less.

I would say that the amount of glasses that I'm seeing right now is less than the average amount of glasses on humans in a normal setting.

You keep doing this thing where it's like, God, is everyone wearing a plain white t-shirt tonight?

I mean, that's so crazy.

Whoa, I didn't realize I was at the beard factory.

Everybody's got a beard.

Whoa, what is this?

A redhead convention?

Wacky!

Nothing that you're saying in between your jokes is even true.

Probably not, but I was going to say that you freak me out because you talk like Bradley Cooper Cooper in

the movie where he takes that drug.

What's it called?

You should know your references before you fucking try them in front of millions of people.

It's not in Pancy's Limitless.

I was going to say.

Let's check in with LeMaire.

Shut the fuck up.

Doesn't it look like he sings mariachi at Whataburger?

A joke!

A pure, clean joke.

I almost forgot what it's like when those happen here.

You do look like you sing.

Do you know how to sing?

No.

Do you know how to do something other than stand-up comedy?

You a talented guy?

I can jerk off on cocaine very well.

You do a lot of cocaine?

Not a lot.

Almost every other time it ends up like gooning.

It ends up what?

You know what that is.

There's no way you know.

Every other time it ends up what?

It ends up in gooning.

Gooning?

Gooning.

You know what?

I've never heard of it.

I don't know what it means, so why don't you explain it?

I'm sorry.

Okay.

How many times are you going to...

You know what it means?

god why is is everybody terrible tonight are you gonna let me explain gooning uh it's jerking off on uh math or coaching attitude on this guy are you gonna let me explain it now that i said you know what it is five times

what a wretched fucking bucket we've had tonight so far it's still just me being nervous i don't know when to talk oh i'm nervous

Maybe I'm nervous too, huh?

You ever think that maybe the pressure of doing over 700 fucking episodes that everybody watches and having to up-it everything?

Maybe I'm fucking nervous.

Can I use that excuse, you fucking pussy?

But your microphone's just gold, you know what I mean?

Oh, how is he gonna keep it original?

How?

How?

With 700 episodes, let's say it's a fucking bucket of people.

What's he gonna do to keep it fucking original?

Look, there's people leaving

as we speak.

There's people walking out.

This isn't what I paid for.

What do you think about it?

You ever hear me acknowledging the pressure on me?

No.

No, you're you're goddamn right.

You ever hear me going, God, the lights are so bright tonight?

Ugh, why is the place filled with blacks?

All right.

Matt, take a breath.

Tell us about your life.

What makes you different?

What's happened to you?

That's such a loaded question.

By easy fucking setup, you are correct.

Yeah, I appreciate the layup.

Extreme question for anybody else.

I don't know.

Like, I dropped out of college, and then I went to tech school, and then now I'm here.

You know what I mean?

How do you make money?

How do you make money?

I sell boots.

Where?

I don't think I should say where I sell boots at.

You sell boots?

They're on South Congress.

It's a bar.

It's not a bar.

It's a bootstore.

It's like a high-end.

You sell boots.

Boots.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I got kind of lingo.

I thought he said booths.

Yep.

Booze.

Yeah, I had boots.

Boots.

It was the third pick.

I am with Lewis on this.

I had booths and booze ahead of it.

I took a chance, went with booths.

Turns out it was boots.

Have you ever thought about learning how to pronounce what you sell?

Boots.

Very good.

All right.

Are you good at it?

They haven't fired me yet, and it's been, you know, eight months.

You ever get nervous when you're selling boots?

Absolutely.

Sometimes it's famous people.

Can you sell Tony a pair of boots right now?

Yeah, that's a great, great, great point, LeMaire.

All right.

I like boots.

Sell me some boots.

Here I come.

I'm riding up.

Oh, howdy.

Whoa, down, settle down, boy.

Settle down, you get down.

Slap that ass.

Get over here.

You fucking crazy horse.

Howdy, buddy.

Hey, you happen to know where I can find some boots around here?

Well, you rode this horse into this boot store.

I figured you knew when you came in.

A lot of fucking attitude from you.

Jesus Christ.

It seems like you do nothing but complain and find the negative things in everything.

What size shoe are you, Tom?

14.

There's no goddamn way you're a size 14, Tony.

My friend.

There's no way.

I've seen people the size of Shaquille Adeal a size 12 double E.

There's no way you're a 14.

Well, well, well, let's just say me and my horse have something in common.

Relax, Buster.

Anyway, since you want to argue about the size, can you sell me something?

What do you, what do you say?

Are they more expensive the bigger bigger they are the big uh no it's it's all uh availability of like rare leathers you know

you're actually worse at selling boots than you are at comedy that's crazy

so do you have any boots available uh

of course i do and uh luis jay gomez is a hater and that's why he smokes uh what cigar is that oh my god, what are you doing, bro?

Focus.

Sell me fucking boots, you fucking idiot.

I'm sorry.

Tony, I wish this guy was boot scooting boogie off the stage.

I think you're right.

And you know what?

I decided I don't need boots.

I'm gonna wear high heels for the rest of my life.

There you go.

There he goes.

And he drops the book, ladies and gentlemen.

You can't blame him.

The lights are bright.

He's nervous.

Let the mic stand over there.

Heidi, can you grab this mic stand and put it in the right place for us?

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Imagine that.

All right, let's do this.

Let's change the tone in this room a little bit.

Let's get a veteran of the game up here, an absolute superstar.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the one and the only great and powerful.

This is Cam Patterson.

Yeah,

yeah.

I learned something about myself recently.

I shouldn't be allowed to go to weddings.

That's not a good thing for me.

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend and I cussed out the maid of honor.

She was a bitch.

She deserved it though.

Cause listen, understand something.

My cousin's wedding, all the groomsmen were my cousins and my friends.

I knew my whole life, right?

And I didn't get to hang out with them the whole time.

I wasn't really in the wedding.

So when we started eating and stuff like that, I finished eating early.

I want to go talk to my cousins who were sitting at the groomsman and the bridesmaid's table, right?

And the maid of honor called me over and she was like, hey, can you come here real quick?

We're all over here eating and you kind of bothering us.

So can you come back later?

And then I was very confused.

So I said, respectfully, get the fuck out of my face, right?

And then a fat bitch came out.

It's always a fat bitch around somewhere.

She came out and she was like, hey, who the fuck even is he?

And I went, bitch, Google me, right?

The coolest shit I've ever said in my life, dog.

And then I walked outside.

I was like, hell yeah, but I had to make sure I was Googleable first, right?

So then

I Googled myself and it came up, Cam Patterson.

I was cool, but I scrolled a little bit.

And then it said, Cam Patterson, the worst comedian of all time.

I said, wait a minute, bitch, don't Google me, hoe.

Don't do that at all.

And then later that night, I found out that it was kind of mad at me because I may have, may or may not have said, I'll slap the fuck out you, bitch.

And listen, hear me out.

Understand something.

I never said nothing like that.

But if I did, I fucking meant it.

Oh.

I've been camp out.

Thank y'all so much.

Hell yeah.

Boom.

Cam Patterson.

You went to a wedding, huh?

Yeah, yeah, it was cool.

I hate weddings.

It was pretty stupid.

I really cussed that bitch out, too.

Yeah.

Fuck that whole dumbass bitch.

It pissed me the fuck off, dog.

It really made me angry, man.

Yeah.

It was uncalled for, stupid fucking whore.

People get out of line at weddings.

She was was chipping bro like i don't even know who that bitch was right dumbass fat girls at weddings if fat girls at weddings it's like it's like uh i don't even know what it's it's like i wouldn't eat real bad goofy ass i should have slapped that i don't hit women but if i was a bitch i would have beat her i'd have beat the fuck out of that hole i'll tell you that much that makes sense yeah yeah if i was a bitch i'd beat her ass

fat girls at weddings they get angry because they're never really gonna you know that's like nobody wants that big ass bitch yeah

they're just always gonna be washed nobody want that fat ass goofy ass bitch i hope you looking at this too bitch you dirty ass fat ass fucking bitch

i'm starting to think that cam beat the shit out of this girl

he said it way too many times

no

didn't do it i wanted to i didn't do it though i didn't do it i don't hate women also on the having sex with fat ladies thing let's not speak for everybody no I'll fuck a fat bitch who's talking about this before.

I'll fuck a fat bitch.

Oh, yeah, Cam will definitely fuck a fat bitch.

I would have fucked that fat bitch.

She was nicer.

I would have fucked her.

Hell yeah.

I mean, La Mary.

You know, shooting, got some dick.

LaMerry, you are one beard shave away from Cam you, Perkin.

Wait a minute.

Not far off.

Not gonna hold you, y'all.

Not far off.

Hit it from behind, grab that little ponytail of his.

Oh, no.

Oh, I know.

I do look like an auntie without a beard.

What

you have a beard.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, Cam, what else happened?

Whose wedding was this?

One of your cousins.

Yes, I was the next guest.

Yeah, my cousin Natron was there.

That was cool.

So, this was a black wedding.

Yeah, black and hair.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

I've never been to a black wedding.

That's wild.

Black as she.

What are black weddings like?

Have you ever been to a white wedding?

I've never been to that.

That was my first wedding ever.

It's like a public park?

What?

Well.

where's your sound effect?

Give me your

Give me your sound effect.

Where's it at?

You know where it is.

There it is.

Turn it up.

Red man

with barely a voice tonight.

The allergies are affecting him.

Does that stop him?

Does he complain about the bright lights?

Does he acknowledge the people in the room?

No.

He plants his feet and he says the racist joke.

It was at a party.

Let's talk about it.

Have you noticed the smoke detector going off in your apartment?

What?

Do you hear that?

You don't hear anything, do you?

Do you hear anything?

That was a piano.

That was a piano right there.

No, it wasn't.

Do you hear anything?

Damn, no, you gotta hear it.

Do it again, do it again.

No, LeMaire trying to defend his entire race right now.

No, don't look at his finger.

Look out straight and see if you hear anything.

Did you hear something?

What do you think that is?

A cricket.

He thinks there's a cricket outside.

Say shit.

No, don't you, that wouldn't be.

All right.

What is that other noise?

Is that you?

Okay, guys.

Bam.

So hold on.

Why do you think it is that black men don't notice smoke detector alarms when they need to be replaced?

This is a mission that I'm trying to find out on this episode.

We're trying to solve the world's problems.

Why do you think you heard a cricket and everyone else hears a smoke detector alarm going off.

I don't know, man.

You don't really need them at your house for real.

Okay, can you repeat that?

Can you repeat that one more time?

You don't really need a smoke detector for real.

You don't need one.

If you smoke inside, it's kind of gonna fuck up the house.

You know what I'm saying?

It's gonna do its job too good.

You know what I'm saying?

So you never replace it.

It's genius.

Is this true, LaMaire?

Is this the reason?

I agree, Tony.

I recently had to take down three of my own fire alarms.

And there you have it.

Kill Tony solving the world's issues.

Absolutely incredible.

So your cousin got married.

Now, normally at weddings, people get a little horny.

They get a little worked up.

They get some drinks in them.

Right.

Open bar.

Was there an open bar?

Hell yeah.

And so what ended up happening?

Did you notice people sneaking away?

Yeah, my auntie tried to fuck my homeboy.

That was weird.

Okay.

Yeah, my tea.

My auntie older.

She older.

Your auntie is older.

Like ballpark, give us an age.

Yeah, like 49.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Only in the black community do you have to clarify that your aunt is older than you.

Yeah.

That is a great point.

You guys too, dude.

That's true.

Puerto Ricans, it's fine.

I have an aunt who's one year younger than me.

It's also that way with Italian white trash.

I can confirm my mom and my oldest sister were pregnant at the same time.

I am an uncle to a niece that I'm two months older than

this is reality.

Not old but she older.

You know what I'm saying?

And she got straight a lot and my homeboy Omar, he a bigger dude.

He look like he should be in the NFL and shit.

And I'm 25, he's 26.

And the whole time she was like, you're going to have to come Uncle Omar soon.

And that was making me angry because he wasn't moving.

He was just standing there like letting her feel him and shit.

And I couldn't beat him up.

He was too big.

I'm about to be.

So you had to punch that white fat chick in the face again.

Oh, it was a black fat chick.

It was a black fat chick.

Never mind.

Well, that's why you're not going to hit her.

Before she lost weight, that's who she was.

Black fat ladies are undefeatable.

What?

They got good armor on them.

They've been pitting on their whole life, nigga.

You understand?

They whole life.

Strong bitch, though.

Strong bitch.

Fat ass fucking bitch.

And

dirty, sloppy, fat bitch.

Yeah.

And they're loud.

Loud, too.

Am I right?

Wait up, Tony.

Okey-dokey.

The crowd didn't laugh or groan.

They kind of just agreed.

Yeah, they are loud.

Like, okay, it's a comedy show, please.

Just turn into a rally for half a second.

Cam, I love you.

You are the man.

You went to a wedding, and here you are talking about it.

We're following his life in real time, the places he goes, the things he does.

You're watching a comedian's process here.

Every week he fucking does it.

it.

Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

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And tonight we are going to meet Matt Revis.

Make some notes for Matt Revis, everyone.

Yo, what's up?

My name's Matt, guys.

Yeah, I know you guys are looking at me right now.

You guys are like, what is he?

Yeah, my buddy said I look like orange chicken.

Yeah, because I look a little Asian, but I was definitely made by a couple Mexicans.

It's true.

I got like 30 of my cousins in the back of Panda Express right now.

Yeah, I'm a Mexican, man.

I used to be a simple man, though, growing up.

I used to be a big butterface guy.

Y'all remember those butterfaces?

Yeah, everything's nice about her, butterface.

Not many of them out here in Austin, dude.

All I see out here nowadays is these damn butter apples.

Y'all heard about them?

Everything's nice about her, but her Adam's apple.

Yeah, I saw one the other day.

I was like, what the fuck is this, dude?

I thought God was testing me.

I was like, is this an Old Testament scripture?

Am I supposed to kill it right now?

I didn't know what to do, man.

Yeah, I was kind of turned on.

I'm not going to lie, dude.

This bitch was six foot.

Looked like Kim Kardashian, but her Adam's apple was the size of my kneecap.

I was like, damn, girl, you got three ACLs.

Could at least get one of Derrick Rose, man.

I appreciate it.

I'm done.

Matt Rivas doing jokes.

I like it.

Orange chicken.

Good one.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

Sideways five from LeMaire to get things started.

Hi, La Maire.

You want to say something?

We're kind of bros.

Oh, you know each other.

Yeah.

We're kind of bros.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, how do you guys know each other?

Because he loves orange chicken.

I see him in the drive-thru a lot.

He gets that shit right.

It is wild how Asian you look.

You have absolutely Asian eyes and no Asian in you whatsoever.

No, I mean, I got a little Japanese in me.

Okay.

Barely.

Yeah, that's the eyes.

It's the eyes, yeah.

Yeah.

The 22%

is your eyes.

Yeah.

And the hat.

John Dees points out.

That is how Japanese people wear hats.

Normally when rolling dice in the squatting position.

Yes, exactly.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

What do you do for work, Matt?

I work at a smoke shop here in town.

Okay, what do you just...

Yeah, it's a smoke shop, so pot and stuff like that.

I get some wraps and stuff.

Okay.

It's a cool spot.

What kind of raps do you prefer?

Do you smoke blunts?

Growing up, man, I used to be a big Swisher guy.

Uh-huh.

Near night.

Now that you've grown up, how do you smoke?

Papers, man.

Rolling, regular white rolling papers?

Regular old white rolling papers.

Oh, there's a fan of regular joints there.

Okay.

I like this guy he's got a swag to him like i think the other comics bummed the audience out so much that he didn't do as well as he would have done so i blame the other comedians for you know

there's a lot of bucket pulls that were struggling tonight it is a real thing there was a guy that said that uh hook'em horns gay brother he was terrible

remember that

You guys remember what we've been through?

Guy that said there's 14 women in here.

Like you could count really fast and see in the dark somehow he knew what everybody looked like and the glasses they were wearing, but also it's overwhelmingly bright

I Can't see but I know what's going on out there

and Then there's you you've been doing jokes.

How long you been doing stand-up Three years three years you go hard though, right?

You do this a lot at nighttime.

Yeah, a lot Do you do that orange chicken joke differently sometimes?

Do you try a different delivery system?

Yeah, sometimes but it I've tried it multiple times.

It's like the best.

I mean kind of the best way I've figured out the way it works, but I try every now and then different.

It's a really, really good joke.

I just don't, I'm not positive that I think there's.

I would, yeah.

Yeah, you know what you're doing.

Appreciate it.

I've got to figure it out.

Yeah, exactly.

What else have you been talking about on stage lately?

What are some like premises and stuff?

Man,

the trans women are crazy, man.

Have you really run into one?

Have you?

Oh, I haven't.

It's just interesting.

It just everybody loves talking about trans women.

It is very, very compelling subject nature.

It's because it's like your best friend could be a trans dude is ASAP.

Like you could be a home.

You're the homie, right?

You're the homie, and next you know, you're a chick.

You got tits.

Holy fuck.

Okay, LeMaire.

Doesn't Matt look like DEI short round

from Indiana Jones?

Yeah.

All right.

There you go.

There you go.

Matt, what do you do for fun?

What are some hobbies of yours or whatever?

I like to, yeah, hobbies, dude.

fuck up

play baseball shit like to play catch you play baseball I did growing up you're an adult I know

fuck you playing baseball for that's what I'm saying ask about hobbies I do I just do when's the last time you played a game of baseball

bro like eight years ago

like do you ever go out do you go out in the city do you do anything I go to bars man I get I just hang out talk to chicks at the bars you know how do you talk to chicks what's your opening line you gotta I just tell them I wrote for Dave Dave Chappelle, and they're like, oh, yeah, cool, fuck, yeah.

Is that true?

No, I'm just kidding.

Right, yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

No, that's horrible.

But seriously, like, when you're at a bar talking to chicks, like, what would you say?

Would you be like, hello?

Yeah, I'd be like, hello, depends on where we're at.

All right, hold on.

Pretend Tony's a girl you're hitting on at a bar.

Yeah, I'm going to come up on my.

Fuck.

Hold on.

I'm coming up to the bar.

Here I come.

Hold on a second.

Here I come.

Here I come.

Here I come.

Hold on.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, Lord.

These size 14s are hurting today.

Can't wait to get myself a nice sarsparilla and fucking chill out.

Oh, howdy, boy.

How you doing there, partner?

Good, good.

You mind,

a guy like me just wanted to know what your sign was?

Oh,

I'm a...

You come off mine as a Scorpio.

You seem a little spicy.

You know what?

I am.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know how you guessed that.

Oh,

wow.

Who would have thought?

Hi, what do you say we jump back on my horse?

You like it back there?

You want to ride in the front, Matt?

Matt, come on.

Let's switch positions.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Oh, let's go, Matt.

Yeah.

All right.

Matt, what's the gayest thing you've ever done?

I think it was that interaction.

I'm not going to lie, that was the gayest shit I ever done.

Come on.

Come on.

What's the gayest shit you've ever done?

Dude, that was beautiful.

I think we had like a real connection there.

Oh, okay.

It was pretty romantic, Tony.

I was surprised I had it in me.

You're kind of a star.

What's your biggest regret in life, Matt?

You have a regret?

You ever wish you did somebody?

That interaction right there okay please let the interview happen here we go but jesus christ there's a part sometimes where the guests realize that they can answer the question and get a very light laugh

all right biggest regret in your life matt reason honestly i wish i i wish i graduated college man okay why do you wish i've never heard that one before it's on me i'm a proud college dropout i love the fact that i got the fuck out of that

Yeah.

It's because my mom, man, my mom, she just wanted me to graduate.

That was the one thing she asked.

Right.

And I fucked up.

Okay.

How far into college did you get?

I was like three years, three years in.

Oh, wow.

That's pretty fucking deep.

Yeah, I was deep.

Like a lot, money deep.

And how much do you owe still?

Fuck, bro.

Like, probably like 50K?

$50,000.

$50,000.

And imagine.

There's some victims in here.

Working at a smoke shop.

Some victims.

Like, I've been there.

Working at a smoke shop, that's going to take a long time.

Absolutely.

You didn't take care, take advantage of that Biden shit, like where they just threw it all away.

Yeah, Biden totally did that.

My fiancé just got it $40,000.

I always hear those stories from white people.

That's crazy.

I'm just kidding.

She's Asian.

She's fucked.

Yeah, maybe if you just show them your eyes.

Matt, you've been on this show before.

What kind of joke book did you get then?

I got a small one.

You know what, Matt?

Just because of fucking a good interview and orange chicken, you're the first big joke book of the night, buddy.

Congratulations.

Appreciate y'all, man.

Orange chicken.

Matt Rivas, ladies and gentlemen.

And onward we go.

You guys having a good time out there?

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Well, then you must be having a good old time.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Tim Stifler, everybody.

Tim Stifler.

Here comes Tim, everyone.

Make some noise for Tim, everybody.

Just before I hop into my minute, I got to do a quick ad read.

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No me ghost dami trabajo.

No me ghost dami self.

Oh, Deos Mio es.

Better help.

Para pente cinco discuenta usar code.

Really depressed.

Just going to get the other one out of the way, and I'm going to hop into my minute.

Do you guys like pets?

Come to pedophiles.

Okay, I'm going to hop into my minute.

There you go.

Tim Stifler.

There you go.

All right.

Hi, Tim.

Well, you're clapping for yourself.

I like it.

I've literally never seen that before.

That's incredible.

700 plus episodes.

Oh my gosh.

And little did I know that it was even possible.

I thought I've seen it all.

And then I turn around and there you are clapping.

You're having a good old time.

Tim, welcome to the show.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Just a little over two years.

A little over two years.

Where at?

I started in San Diego for nine months and then I

here for the rest.

How long have you lived here?

A little over a year.

Okay.

Perfect.

What do you do for work

uh so i was in advertising and then i quit that and now i mean i'm starting a comedy club so i just you're opening your own comedy club yeah congratulations yeah thanks for that that's smart thanks that's that's a great way to do it yeah it's called the sunset strip two oh brilliant brilliant marketing brilliant marketing i was gonna say it's a bad idea don't do it yeah it's got the highest ceilings even higher than you are you are you really starting your own comedy yeah yeah yeah okay

how what what what where are you at in the process?

So it took us six months to find the place.

Finally found the place.

We're in the negotiations back and forth for the actual contract, the leasing contract.

Did you inherit a bunch of money?

How do you plan on buying a comedy?

I owned an ad agency and then I got bought out because I found stand-up and just got too obsessed with that.

Speaking of ads, you were talking about being depressed and you mentioned

another company, but I want to remind everyone that

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Tony, I love TalkSpace.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

It's important to remember that TalkSpace is the place to go.

No other company.

My bet.

There's a club across the street from the sunset.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

There's another club being built across from your club.

That's opening up.

Wow, this is so.

Are you serious?

This is amazing.

Yeah, I'm telling you, it's a bad idea, dude.

No, yeah.

There's like a hundred comedy clubs here.

Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're the live comedy capital.

I am so nervous.

I didn't not know I would be this nervous.

Let me tell you something.

Let me just cut you off.

Relax for a second.

Let me talk.

Just let me talk.

Yep.

A lot of people have been nervous tonight.

No one has handled it better than you.

Everyone's nervous.

How could you not be nervous?

I would be nervous for this show, and it's my show.

If I got pulled out of the bucket, I go, oh, fuck.

I thought it was going to be fine.

But yeah, no, thank you.

Thank you for saying that.

What's up, guys?

What is going on over there?

Everybody's freaking out tonight.

He just started handling it well in front of our very eyes.

Yeah.

This is a small stage.

I didn't realize it was going to be.

It's always, everything is smaller.

Everything is smaller than you think.

The fucking.

Whoa, Jesus Christ.

All right.

There's literally an audience member that's like, I can do it.

I can do this.

The bucket pulls have been so rough.

There's people trying to be funny from the crowd.

Okay.

He's got a funny face, that guy.

Okay.

Stick with me over here.

Jesus fucking Christ.

This is crazy.

What's going on in here tonight?

How tall are you?

Because you are adorable.

Oh, thanks, man.

You too.

5'10, probably.

You're not 5'10.

Yeah, you're right.

I think with these fucking combat boots, I'm like 5'11, probably.

Oh, for real.

It's time for the tape measure.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is an absolute 0% chance that he's 5'11.

There is no way that he's 5'10 without the boots on.

You're about to catch a man in a lie, everybody.

Yoni has the tape measure.

What do you think it is, Joe?

This is one of those moments that you'll never forget for the rest of your life.

Yoni, make sure that it's nice and level there at the bottom.

5'9.

5'9.

5'9 in the boots.

We're gonna call it 5'7 without the boots.

And now back to the point that you are adorable.

Little squeaky devil you.

5'10, 5'11 in the combat boots.

Holy shit, dude.

What do you think?

This is your dating profile?

You think you can just catfish the world with humans looking directly at you?

I just sighed.

I'm fucking 6'6.

What do you expect, Tony?

Life ain't easy looking down upon everyone all the time.

Have you always thought you were 5'11 by the time?

No.

No, no, 5'10, but I was like, these, you know, have some girth, so I thought maybe like 5'1 ⁇ , I don't know.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Holy shit.

What's your love life like?

Nothing really going on right now.

That's because you're a liar.

You're a catfisher.

Yeah, that's my yeah.

You're a fisherman.

Yeah, no.

So when's the last time you were in a relationship?

I had a really quick, crazy thing like a month ago.

Yeah, wouldn't you say a quick, crazy thing?

Let's take a breath and tell me what you mean by that.

She's probably going to watch this.

And

that's fine.

That's wasted breath and time right there.

Let's talk about what happened.

So I...

This girl, this has never happened to me.

This girl slid into my DMs.

Like, literally never happened.

And I was like, what the fuck?

And then I looked at her i was like oh she's pretty hot and ex-model i was like what the and then i met up with her and she was cool and like we vibed

probably

the most passionate crazy week and then really irresponsibly we're just like yeah let's get in a relationship and then immediately after that

She just like was nuts like she just okay.

Here we go.

So let's take it one beat at a time here passionate week, meaning like she comes over to your place.

We hang out every night.

Every night you are having all-out unprotected sex.

Am I correct?

Yeah, yeah.

That's right.

Very good.

The cat fisherman caught a dolphin.

And there you are.

Passionate, unprotected sex.

You're betting.

Eye contact.

Who doesn't love that?

One of them.

Look at the ladies getting wet in their panties at that part.

Who needs sex when you have straight eye contact?

Unbelievable.

Are you sure it wasn't a dude?

You homo?

No, I'm kidding.

Eye contact's gay.

That's gay, dude.

And I would know.

Yeah.

All right.

So, when you say after a week, first of all, let's talk about how you introduced relationship into this.

Were you like, man, I fucking love you.

Yeah.

It was funny.

I didn't say love, but I did say, yeah, we should do a relationship.

And I'm 35.

I'm older.

So she was like 26, and that was super irresponsible.

Yeah, Lewis loves bad decisions.

He gets an applause break for bad decisions.

It's not a bad decision.

It's a young, hot babe.

What?

It's a young hot babe.

What is he supposed to do?

Yeah, what could go wrong?

Pancreatitis.

Okay, Red Pan.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

All right.

So, when you say things start to get a little crazy, what do you mean?

You're allowed to talk about it.

It's your life, this show.

Everyone does a minute, and then it's a fucking interview.

You're being interviewed on a podcast.

No one knows what questions they're going to get.

You're not under any crazy circumstance.

I'm saying this for her when she's watching.

This is all you just have to be honest at this point.

No, honestly, fuck her.

She's like...

Oh, okay.

Well, you didn't have to say that.

That's crazy to say.

You may have been the crazy one, and now I'm on her side.

Okay.

When she started getting a little crazy or things got a little crazy, what do you mean?

Give us the first thing that happened.

Not the most extreme thing.

We'll get there.

The first where you notice, like, ah, shit.

Like, was there something you didn't like about her?

Like, she has like a weird like butthole or something no

no she had a normal butt hole um

just you almost you almost stopped a butt there and i was gonna repeat that yeah yeah yeah very specific sometimes it's uh sometimes there's things yeah there was a hole for sure uh yeah yes that's what you need just needs to be a hole for sure 100 that wasn't weird um

i think the the weirdest

the beginning of weird

the beginning of weird was she like I'll cook for you and then she like burnt the pancakes it wasn't it wasn't like that exciting it was actually kind of sad like she she that night she like had a panic attack and she's you know like all of a sudden it was it was like gone girl like she was perfect and then oh yeah and then once it like happened it was like she didn't take her meds to your place did she no probably not right and I don't judge that that's totally cool totally cool and if you ever run out remember talk space

And if that doesn't work, try some voodoo ranger.

And if you lose your job, go to ZipRecruiter.

Okay.

Let's go back to the fun here.

Okay.

This guy has a panic attack.

Did you guys smoke weed?

Is there something that onset the panic attack?

No, she was like, she was like,

I told you this was going to happen.

And I was like, no, you did.

Will you talk about it?

Oh my God.

I genuinely almost spit coffee all over the front.

You can thank me later, you two.

It was so close.

The I told you this was gonna happen is nuts.

What day was it when she said, hey, just to let you know, there might be a part where I fucking go fucking crazy?

That, by the way, that would have been the moment.

That would have been the answer to the actual question.

The answer to the actual question was at some point a couple days in, maybe even the first night, when do you think she told you this?

I don't think she did at all.

Oh, you just weren't listening.

You were fucking, you were busy with that eye contact.

Just fucking.

Oh, oh, fuck out, dude.

My name's Tim Stiffler, dude.

Look, I'm out of the advertising agency.

I'm getting in the comedy club game.

Once these negotiations...

More eye contact.

All right.

So she warned you.

She says that she warned you.

LeMaire, what do you think about that?

I was just going to say, eye contact sex kind of rules.

LeMaire.

Fucking rules.

LeMaire.

You're a psycho.

Le Maire is losing.

Le Maire is using this appearance on this show to try to get a woman to fall in love with him.

Look, I just believe in a woman president and eye contact during sex.

It rules.

Look, we all love eye contact during sex, but yeah, the way you can't say eye contact during sex.

It just happens.

You can't be like, oh, my favorite part of the sex was the eye contact.

No, it's the wet pussy with a dick moving back and forth.

God damn it, I'm sick of all this bullshit.

And by wet pussy, I mean wet butthole.

And he looks back at you and you say, sir, I love you.

What is this show become?

All right, so she so it's a panic attack.

What type of panic attack is this?

Is this she's sweating?

She's laying down.

She's wet.

She was wet for a while.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

We were in the shower, and then...

Well,

I mean, she should be wet in the shower.

Okay.

You know, that was...

Yeah, you were in the shower and what happened?

And then she,

yeah, just was like, I'm freaking out.

Oh, shit.

How long did that last?

And you tried taking care of her because you're like, we're in a relationship.

What's going on?

And then she...

You're still trying to fuck.

You're like, well, we're just cool, man.

Don't worry.

Hey, babe.

No, it's all good.

Hold on, let's use some of these tears as lubricants.

Fuck at it.

I'm fucking Tim Stiffler.

That's your actual name.

It was Stieffler, but...

Oh, it's Stieffler.

It's all good.

Oh, boy.

Stieffler, you barely knew her.

Literally.

You barely knew her.

All right.

So she says she's freaking out.

And then what happens?

I mean, we got through it.

And then there were,

you know, then it was like every day and she was just like, yeah, this is how periods work.

But then the period like never ended kind of.

Right.

Yes.

It was like, it was, you know.

It was more like an exclamation point.

Yeah, it was for sure.

Right.

And you were like, I'll fix her.

Like this hot model.

The only reason she's with me, there has to be a reason why she's single.

Yeah.

And how long did that last?

The period?

Sure.

What you what?

Like the relationship?

Yeah.

It was like

maybe two more weeks, a week and a half after that.

So how did you let her know that you were no longer interested?

Was it ever the same after that panic attack?

No, it just kept getting worse.

Right.

Yeah, she definitely lied about breaking into my apartment while I was gone.

Oh, within a three-week span, she broke into your apartment.

Yeah, then she started dating other comics after we broke into her.

Oh,

after.

Well, yeah, that makes sense.

But breaking.

Explain to us how she broke into your apartment.

She, okay, okay, so

I left for a trip.

She was the only one that had, you know, access to the apartment.

And then she said that she went in there and there was like a water burger bag and like all this shit.

And there was nobody else besides her that could have been in there.

Like there's just nobody.

Wait a minute, you gave her access to your apartment?

Yeah, but she's not breaking in, you fucking idiot.

You gave her the keys to your apartment.

Stranger, you led into your apartment who had pan attacks in the shower.

That is completely on you.

Well, she said somebody else broke into the apartment and then left all this stuff and made a mess.

And then,

okay, this is going to make me sound like such a fucking psycho.

I love this.

I never lock my apartment.

Yes.

I never do it.

I just am a very trusting boy.

And

wow.

By the way, that's San Diego, everybody.

San Diego.

I never lock it.

Never lock my apartment.

What's your address exactly?

What size television screen do you have?

And then,

yes, I don't know.

I never lock it.

And then somebody...

Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

I never lock it.

Nobody's ever broken in.

I've been there for the entire time that I've been here.

And then when I'm gone, and she's the only one that has access all of a sudden, for okay, yeah, that's fair.

That's fair.

What were you gonna say?

No, I mean, it's it's not that interesting.

No, go ahead, finish it.

Yeah, I mean, she's the only

person that could have actually got in was her.

That's right, yeah.

Sorry, I'm a bad storyteller.

No, you were a great storyteller.

Your interview lasted 17 and a half minutes, it was fantastic.

Clap for yourself,

Tim, congratulations.

There's a big joke book.

What's the name of the comedy club gonna be, Tim?

It's gonna be good.

It's gonna be called Dumb Comedy Club.

Dumb.

Dumb Comedy Club, everybody.

You can't even make it up.

It's actually a pretty cool name.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Sarah Sloan.

Sarah Sloan.

So my mom is super Hispanic and I'm talking like very Hispanic.

This is how she wakes me up in the morning.

Her accent is so thick, she has trouble pronouncing my name.

So she has to call me Sara.

She has to call me Sarita.

I have some bad news next.

My dad is white.

Boo, ew, eh.

So he likes to call me stupid.

He likes to call me ugly.

Yeah, no, it's fun.

Oh, man.

So before I moved out here to Austin, my parents were talking to me.

And they were like, Sarah, never in our lives would we have imagined that our 22-year-old daughter would still be living at home with us, leeching off of us.

And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm going to stop you right there.

I'm 27, okay?

My parents have always been extremely pro-life until they had me.

Now, my mother is for afterbirth abortions.

And I asked her up to what age and she was like

whatever age you are

Guys, thank you so much

Sarah Sloan welcome back to the show you've been on before

you famously have the legendary horse noise Would you like to do it for the audience?

I'd love to.

Yes, it's what I do.

This is her bread and butter ladies and gentlemen.

We had her do it in arenas and this is the greatest horse noise you've ever heard.

Here I am riding.

Hold on, let's just play along here.

Here I'm just me coming into work on my horse and

it's unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

That's right.

People are in awe looking at each other like, did you hear that right now?

It boggles people's minds.

But that's basically the only thing that you're good at.

We've tried to figure this out.

We've heard a couple minutes.

So Sarah, how's life been going?

It's been amazing,

especially ever since, yeah, being on here.

Like, you change lives.

That's what I do.

Absolutely.

You wouldn't think so by the attitude of some of these fucking bucket pools earlier, I gotta tell you.

These people.

Well, if you'd let me tell the story, Tony.

A lot of that, a lot of attitude tonight, but you seem to get it, Sarah.

You're a good person.

Have you ever had a panic attack in the shower?

Only when I look in the mirror.

Well, I know she can't make eye contact, so.

Why?

Because she's autistic.

She's autistic.

Yeah.

With a horse noise like that, you'd be surprised.

We'd be surprised if you're not autistic.

LeMer is deeply in love right now.

No.

I was judging your roast battle as Sarah was on it, and I learned she's a racist.

Ooh, it turns out I'm in love right now.

Hello, Sarah Sloan.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Thank you, LeMaire.

I've always kind of wanted to fuck Garth from Wayne's World.

This is very exciting.

Party on.

I love it.

What kind of guys are you into, Sarah Sloane?

There was this YouTuber that he does microphone interviews, very nerdy, and just think like a male version of me.

And I was really into him.

Did you hit him up?

I put in the comments, I was like, hey, you said you were single in your podcast.

That's crazy.

I've had a baby crush on you for a while.

Baby Crush.

Baby Crush.

Who is the you Asmund Gold?

Like, who is the YouTuber?

He's a he listens to microphone reviews.

Yeah, same.

His name is Bandrew, and he has the channel Podcastage.

Bandrew?

Podcastage?

Yeah, it's a pretty big.

Yeah.

Nothing was ever going to happen between.

Look at me.

It was never going to happen anymore.

Sarah, you're adorable.

And you're so likable.

And do the horse noise one more time.

It's unbelievable.

I wish I could do that.

I'm almost there, right?

With a little practice, do it it one more time.

Again.

Well, Mary, you're doing one now.

It's fun.

Try it.

I think you gotta stand up.

She gets low.

It's like from her balls.

you try it red band you try it

hold on Louis Jay Gomez give it a little shot here really try

all your horses have such deep voices

La Mer Lee ladies and gentlemen here it is

oh he almost almost died

whoa

oh my god little black beauty over here

holy shit it's incredible Le Mer

absolutely unbelievable fucking look at this I love Mr.

Ed Tony

oh my god sea biscuits

When he sees biscuits, he eats biscuits.

Lemaire always has peanut butter on him gums.

He's a big fan of the Kentucky Slurpee.

He also has to replace his shoes every week.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Absolutely incredible.

So, Sarah, when's the last time you were on a date with somebody?

I've never been on a date with anybody ever.

Really?

Really?

Never.

Never.

I don't get it.

You see me.

Wow, look at me.

Why do you keep saying that?

You're adorable.

Look at my mic.

Big Mike over here.

Is there something you want to say it into the microphone, Mike?

Then kiss me.

Mike, why do I.

I was kidding.

I was kidding.

I was kidding.

Have you kissed?

I was kidding.

I was kidding.

I was kidding.

Let's go, big Mike.

Is shaking off the hat.

Let's fucking go.

Let's fucking go.

Oh, yeah.

Look at the color coming to her face right now.

Whoa.

Whoa.

This is a new girl.

She's squirting.

This is a whole new person, Red Band.

It's a whole new person.

Look at you.

You've changed.

You just ruined my life.

My parents are going to kill me.

Your parents are going to kill you for kissing a boy, Sarah?

My mother!

You need to pull a fucking.

If your parents are gonna kill you because you got kissed by a fucking boy.

She hated the last time I was on the show.

Okay, let me tell you something.

Have you ever seen the Menendez Brothers documentary?

It might be time for you to fucking ex nay on the parents' nay.

You know what I mean?

I've got to have LeMaire kiss her next then.

Le Maire,

look at LeMaire pretending like you didn't hear that idea.

Just like, oh, just sitting along, just having fun.

What do you, what's your mom's problem with you on the show and your appearances?

It was, okay, so it was.

It was like a raunchy show?

A little, you know, a little.

God.

Well, they were like, let's get lunch together, my parents.

And so then I sit down and we order this really good food.

And then they were just like, we're really, we're disappointed in you.

And

I'm being dead serious.

And they were just like, you know,

you laughed at what

just for those of you listening to the show if you're wondering if we're laughing there's a guy that sounds like he's dying of laughter in the audience right now These are the fans of this show have an unbelievable sense of humor where someone someone

Softly admitting that their parents are disappointed in them literally there's a guy in the back of the room just like

Unbelievable, sir.

You are pure evil

so they said you're they're disappointed in you but why did they give any specifics

yeah you know i thought you know you hated my my minute but like my last minute i thought was better than this one and they said they said like they didn't say anything acknowledging that it was good all they did was just talk about how i shouldn't have been laughing at the jokes you were making about me and they said so you shouldn't have gone along with the jokes on a comedy show they wanted you to stand there like a fucking stiff you're funny i can't help but laugh well you're goddamn right

They're the ones in the wrong.

They probably had a lot of bad things about me to say about me at the end of October, early November.

And look at us now.

Look at us now.

Your parents don't have shit coming out on you.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

How about that?

How about that, Mr.

and Mrs.

Sloan?

Ha ha,

Sarah, what exactly do you do?

What are you good at?

Now that I know your parents are disappointed in you for coming on this show, I want to make your life even better.

So tell me, what do you do?

How can I help you?

I wish I had

a soundboard or else I would have you here full-time making horse noises.

I would love to.

It's not in the budget for sure.

And we have a budget, but I cannot have humans waiting around.

No, yeah, I like, I really do like doing impressions.

What exactly do you do for work?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm a front-dex girl.

So I just very administrative.

Hello, all the, yeah, very basic work.

Because

I wanted to do an easy job so I could focus on this on the after hours.

Right.

So

it's like in an office?

Yeah, yeah, it's at a school.

It's at a school.

How much do they pay you?

Tell me the truth.

$53,000 a year.

I'm fine with it.

I know it's nothing, but I'm fine with it.

I got to be honest, Tony, that's a lot of money to me.

Okay.

It is a lot of money, Dio.

Oh, yeah, supposedly to keep my job.

I am speaking as a private citizen

on behalf of myself.

Forgot about that.

That's right, sir.

Tony,

it's

$1,000 per week.

Yeah, $1,019.23 per week.

Wow, I never broke it down.

Yeah, your life's not.

Tony, you compared me to the horse girl.

Come on, dude.

Let her quit that job.

Have her be the horse girl on the show.

It's a drop in the bucket, Tony.

You know what, Sarah?

God damn it, Michael.

We.

All those horse impressions have my throat fucked up.

Do you drive?

You have a car?

You can, like, do things.

You can show up places and do them properly?

Is there anything fucking nuts about you that we don't know?

I'm really actually, I'm very competent.

I really am.

I know I don't look it, but I promise.

Yeah.

I'm about to piss off your parents so bad.

Sarah.

I don't know exactly how or what, but we are going to match your salary and have you work for us from now on.

Sarah Sloan works over

me now.

Be proud of your daughter next time,

you idiots.

That's for you, Mr.

and Mrs.

Sloane.

Now she's mine.

And you know what?

I'm going to give you $100 more than your annual salary.

You have to go through a two-week trial and pass it.

I have to make sure you're like not completely nuts.

But

I need people to do things.

I need like groceries and stuff.

Can you paint?

Yoni and Christy will train you.

They're very, very good, cool people, and it'll be good.

Oh, my gosh.

It'll alleviate some of their pressures since they're big fancy television producers now.

Did your parents ever offer you a full-time job like that?

Never have.

That's right.

Well, you know what?

I'm disappointed in them.

You see that, Mr.

and Mrs.

Sloan?

Congratulations.

Here's a big joke book, too.

Welcome to the team.

Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen.

How fun.

It's easy.

Easy fun.

We're having fun now.

People just figured out the loophole

They figured out a loophole come on the show tell me that your parents were disappointed in you laughing along at my jokes

Two week trial this guy.

It's the same guy just keeps pissing over and over again

Bend down.

There's a fucking camera you idiot

Sarah Sloan kick this guy out of here

Get to work, bitch.

Alright, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Colton Jones, everybody.

Colton Jones.

Hey, did anyone get the number on that sexy blonde I just passed in the hallway?

Thank you.

Yeah, my dad is a conspiracy theorist.

He's also morbidly obese.

That's a rough one, you know?

How do you tell a guy, dude, tap water is not the thing that you are getting too much of?

I think it might be the Mountain Dew out of the NASCAR cup, you fucking

retard.

You know, I come from a redneck family.

I think the only reason we even adopt dogs is so we can shoot something seven years later.

Now, rednecks shoot our dogs.

We talk about that as a society.

We also shoot our cats, and you guys don't know that, but that is funny to watch.

Obviously, when you old yellow a cat, you have to use a gun that has a laser sight on it.

Wow, ladies and gentlemen,

what a turn the bucket has taken as we come around the final bend.

Colton Jones.

With the set of the night here on Kiltoni.

Absolutely incredible, Colton.

Very funny man.

Very likable.

Very jolly.

Strong delivery.

Great, unbelievable writing.

Perfect, perfect, perfect all the way around.

Welcome back.

You've been on this show once before?

Once before.

And this is your return.

It's been a while, a year or two, right?

It's been a while.

That's right.

That's right.

How long has it...

Last time I was on, Theo Vaughn was the only guest.

And you kind of said a few times that I look like a serial killer, but Theo, you know, Theo kind of stuck up for me is what I was.

When was that?

How long has it been?

It's been.

It's all good.

We just want to.

Yeah, it has been like a year and some change, I think.

Thank you.

Remind us, what do you do for work?

I work at Sunset Strip.

Oh,

looks like we're all fucking employing great people here.

Favorite people that works at the Sunset Strip.

Oh, that's so nice.

You guys should be so nice.

It's kind of crazy, huh?

Hell yeah.

I wonder why I called you a serial killer.

That's not creepy at all.

It's just a shock is all.

No, yeah, it's great.

And

I produce a kind of a night show here in Austin called The Absolute Show.

I'm one of the

head writers on that, starring Lucas LeBrary and Liz Splat.

I love it.

Very funny people.

LeMer.

Colton's one of the funniest people in the city, dude.

Yeah.

I think we can all tell.

It's absolutely incredible, Colton.

Amazing.

Yes.

Getting the crowd to make even more noise.

God, this is great.

Yes, it is.

It is.

It is fun.

I absolutely love it.

What should we talk about?

What should I ask you?

Well, I just got back from New Orleans today.

I drove in yesterday.

I killed a lot of hand grenades.

I saw a bunch of homeless people be really good at the trombone.

New Orleans is a crazy fucking city.

It is diabolical.

I was there for the Super Bowl.

I did a show the night before the Super Bowl.

It was crazy.

I've been there before.

Every time I've been there, it's crazy.

There is a vibe in this city, and I will say that for the first time ever coming up, let it be known that our friend here, Louis J.

Gomez, puts on literally the best comedy festival of the year, and it is happening this year in New Orleans, Louisiana for the first time.

For the very first time.

Let me ask you a question.

Colton, would you like to go back to New Orleans this November 14th?

I would fucking love that.

Wow.

I would fucking love that.

And now.

We would have loved to have you at Skank Fest this year, brother.

He's doing Skank Fest.

We would love to have you.

You were a fucking killer.

Not only did you do the best head of the night, but it was dark, genuinely funny fucking comedy.

My type of shit.

I really did your shit, dude.

That's fucking good.

Thank you, man.

Very confident.

You're going to have a blast there.

For a man that is so grotesque, you have so much confidence.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, could you say it again?

I'm having a stroke right now.

It's great.

It's great.

Lewis,

could you have the whole absolute show at Skank Fest?

Because it's a really great show.

LeMayer, that's crazy.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Let's talk about it.

I'd love to hear about it.

You're just fucking great, though, dude.

You got a great energy.

I appreciate it.

If you're friends with fucking Redben, you're friends with LeMayer.

I know you're a fucking A-class dude, so I'll see you in New Orleans at Skank Fest.

I'll fucking be there.

How about it?

Let it be known.

You're witnessing history.

Colton Jones booked on Skank Fest, the most fun and the biggest comedy festival annually now.

I I used to always say that it was the best, and now it literally is the best.

There is no more JFL.

Netflix is a joke only happens every other year.

And so, the best annual festival in all of comedy.

It's also better than Netflix is a joke, Tony.

I know you have a Netflix item, but let's get real.

I mean, we do.

Yeah, we...

It's not.

Yes,

it's a superior festival.

But as far as annual festivals, Lewis, you are truly just, I mean, it's unbelievable.

When I think about the amount of money money that I get paid for Skank Fest compared to the amount of money that I get from, um,

let's just say,

let's just say all I have to do is 9,000 more Skank Fests.

Actually, probably, mathematically, more.

Way more.

Yeah, way more.

I'll still do it, just to be clear.

I'll still go.

You got it.

Secret show.

Secret show.

I'll be there.

And you know what else?

I have a sold-out show here on Wednesday at 7 p.m.

Why don't you open up that show, too?

That sounds great.

In the Fat Man of the Mothership, 7 p.m.

Boo.

You got it all, kid.

Sunset Mothership.

Has Adam seen you before?

Have you ever seen by the talent coordinator?

I don't really want to get into this too much, but I did.

I did bomb on the mic earlier, actually.

You did today?

I went up and, you know,

didn't go it didn't go as well as this.

Well there you go.

But that, hey, if you're listening at home kids,

that's how life goes sometimes and you just you drink too well gins and you pick yourself back up.

Boom.

Colton Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

Absolutely, Colton.

There he goes.

And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen.

And it might not be the way you think.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a young man who, as I text with my fellow administration members of the United States of America lately, I implore them, on a daily basis, make this man an American citizen.

You'd be surprised how hard the process is as I laugh with my friends.

You know, by friends I mean the head of the FBI, the head of the CIA, the vice president, the president,

the head of national intelligence,

the head of health.

There's a bunch more that I'm missing right now.

Elon Musk.

There's a lot of people that I text throughout the week.

You'd be surprised.

And I tell them all, we need to make this man a citizen.

And they play hard to get.

They play hard to get.

But god damn it, I know it's gonna happen.

One day, he will be known as the American assassin, but for now, he's simply known as the Estonian assassin.

This

is

Ari Matty!

What's up?

Fuck Southwest Airlines.

Give me a fucking seat.

Did I know it's legal to sell 360 tickets and then just let us baboons figure it out.

Where am I sitting?

You know you get like an aisle seat

and then another guy's got the window.

And you try at all costs

to keep that middle seat fucking open.

You watch this group F motherfuckers

You know when you're covering the aisle and you try to look as insane as possible

Stay the fuck away from my middle seat.

That's why now I carry a Quran.

I put that shit down.

And hey, parents,

leave your shitty fucking baby at home.

What the fuck's he got going on in Phoenix?

Let me tell you, if you approach my middle seat with a fucking baby,

I'm going to be weird to that baby.

How old is it?

Single digit.

The most delicious.

I'll fuck your baby for some legroom.

Thank you so much.

I mean, what the fuck?

in real time you're watching

a fucking absolute monster grow.

This is crazy

Dude before

if you if there's a person in the fucking world that doesn't find that funny that means they've never flown southwest.

Yeah

Yeah, we as comedians dude.

It's a battle out there dude.

It is and and the by the way and the stewardess you slow-bo shit fat fuck

Some of the most rudest fucking what is it, waitress?

What is it, stewardess?

Yeah, stewardess.

I took a hundred milligrams before I came out here.

I'm fucked up, dude.

Remember last time you were fucked up when I was on this show, dude?

I am toasted, right?

Thank God this is not on Netflix.

I might say the n-word, you know what I'm saying?

I'm fucking lucid, dude.

Dude, when you told me I'm going to be on today, I already took the edible.

You know when the edible is in your stomach like this?

You poor bastard.

All right, that bit was so fucking funny.

I didn't have an ending, though.

I was like trying to.

No, no, it was fucking it was literally perfect.

I leaned to Tony.

I was like, he just fucking wrote that.

That's crazy.

It's so good.

You're so talented.

Every time I see you on this show, I'm blown the fuck away.

Genuinely, I think, one of the best comics working today.

Genuinely, I really mean that.

There's no question about it.

It's okay.

And it's...

This is the work.

Yeah.

That's real.

You can do that.

People will not sit next to you on Southwest if you just fucking

keep that fucking flailed right towards that middle seat.

Let them know.

Wow.

I mean, it is wild.

Not only are you, like Lewis just said, one of the best comics working today, but it's just amazing to me that, you know, we've just never had,

you know, I mean, it's you and Cam

clearly

showing the process, showing that, you know, every week, I mean, people must be waiting.

And if they're not, then they don't know how hard stand-up comedy is or how it's also so much fucking fun, dude.

Oh, exactly.

To have that panic attack.

Like, literally, I took the walk slow because I have three things in my head that are literally just thoughts.

Yeah.

You know, and you just have this fucking

just the energy, dude.

Yeah.

The fact that you live for that pressure shows what kind of beast you are.

And that's what, you know, some it's a story of the night, right?

It's like, oh, the lights.

Oh, I'm nervous.

Oh, I'm nervous.

Transferring that energy into fucking being present and

delivering your bits being able to take nervous energy and you should be more nervous than anybody because you have high expectations to follow these people absolutely expect you to be great and meanwhile week after week while competing with yourself you seem to absolutely be crushing yourself and it's incredible it's amazing and i am so fucking honored to have you be part part of this show.

You're a perfect show.

It's crazy.

Like,

you know, I'm such a big fan of comedy.

I read every fucking book about the comedy store tonight show, Esther.

I'm such a big fan of comedy.

And I remember when I was reading all these books, so you watch a documentary about the gold rush of the 70s, everybody moving to LA, you guys with Rogan coming up at the comedy store.

You know, and you read that, you're always like, fuck, I wish I was in that time.

And little do I know, I'm in the new motherfucking cold.

No doubt about it.

No No doubt about it.

You gotta learn to love it, baby.

This forms the era.

And that is the Estonian assassin, Ari Maddie.

How much fucking fun did we have tonight, huh?

The driver Brian J.

E-Belt is in, and it's a glorious one.

That is LeMarin Louis J.

Gomez.

Look at that.

That's incredible.

How about one more time for the great Louis J.

Gomez?

Legion of Skank Story Wars.

Guys, check out out Story Wars sometimes.

This is, I truly believe, one of the other great shows.

I mean, I've always talked with you about,

you know, doing a live show in front of a live audience that has like a format and a built-in fucking thing because people like that.

Legion of Skanks is one of the best podcasts with fucking dudes talking shit just loosely.

And Story Wars is without a doubt.

I mean, I told you I've only done it once.

I'm doing another one this week.

But the first time I did it, I told you that's a hit.

You have a hit on your hands.

Congratulations.

One more time for Luis J.

Gomez.

Check out Story Wars with a Z.

Skank Fest, I believe, has already sold out.

No, the general sale for Skank Fest is May 2nd.

Pre-sale VIP tickets are already gone, but May 2nd, they're going to sell out very quick.

May 2nd.

May 2nd for the Normies.

This is your last chance.

Get your Skank Fest tickets.

How about one more time for the great powerful LeMer Lee, everybody?

Panties in the mouth pod.

That is the name of his pod.

He's got a backpack that he's holding up like a championship belt.

Panties in the mouth pod.

Thank you to Blue Nile, Talkspace, Voodoo Ranger, and ZipRecruiter.

Let's see what Chris Rogers

R did tonight.

Oh, that's me.

Look at that.

That's me.

Hell yeah.

Look at that fucking hairline.

Better than ever.

How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, huh?

Hey, thanks for your support at the Sunset Strip every Thursday secret show.

SunsetstripATX.com.

Love you guys.

No doubt about it.

Why don't you go re-watch

Kill Tony on Netflix?

Tell your friends to watch it.

Go watch it again.

Just put it on.

Just put it on and leave it on.

And then put it on again.

And then watch it again.

Alright.

God bless this audience.

We went through the whole fucking range together.

The rough bucket starts.

The regulars absolutely crushed.

David Jolly, Cam Patterson, and Ari Maddie.

And then from the bucket, we went from fucking.

What an adventure.

We love you guys.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

We may need to change that jingle.

Prices and participation may vary.