#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Two huge announcements.
Next week's episode will exclusively be on Netflix on April 7th.

Kill Tony can only be found for the first time ever on Netflix. So go to your Netflix app, set the reminder, set it in your calendars, tell everyone you know.

Another huge announcement right now, Madison Square Garden, we are coming back to beautiful New York City August 16th. This is your chance to get tickets for the show.
It sells sells out.

It sold out twice last year. And we are starting with August 16th.
Tickets go on sale with a special artist pre-sale this Wednesday, April 2nd at 10 a.m. using the promo code KILL2025.

And then tickets will be on sale for everybody this Friday, April 4th. But I highly recommend you use the artist pre-sale.

That's when it sold out last year using the promo code KILL2025 at ticketmaster.com. Very few tickets left for Nashville this Friday, and we're going to be there Saturday too.
I think that's sold out.

And London, England, June 7th. These are the episodes of Kill Tony in which you have a chance of getting tickets.

So go to ticketmaster.com, use the passcode KILL2025 for Madison Square Garden tickets. We'll see you in Nashville.
We'll see you in London. Tickets for those available at tonyhenchcliffe.com.

We'll see see you soon.

Hey, this is Raymond coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Edge Clay

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Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what?

As always, two of the best guests humanly possible. I mean, an absolute legend.
One of them is a front runner for Guest of the Year 2025.

The other is a guy who we have worked with for 18 years and is a comedy store legend ladies and gentlemen if you love this show you're gonna love tonight's guests make some fucking noise for Sam Talent and Ian Edwards everybody

oh my god

Sam Talent

Ian Edwards live in the flesh

two of the best

We are gonna have some fun here tonight. Sam Talent, an absolute fucking freak machine.
His book, Running the Light, is available everywhere right now. No doubt about it.

Every single place that books are sold. Sam has a great book.
I'm telling you, you podcast fans, you listen to a lot of podcasts. You listen to a lot of things.
Read a fucking book.

Read Running the Light by Sam Talent. It's an easy read.
It's a lot of fun. It's every comedian that you know is people.
It's a book. It's a book.
It's a book. it's a book

and he's got a book no you read it you turn the pages and it stays the same and you read it man it's $18

$18 available everywhere books are sold here's what Shane Gillis had to say you'd never expect this abomination of a man to write such beautiful prose

But Sam Talon has done it. Wow, what a book.

So if glowing praise like that doesn't sell this thing, please random house reissued it it's available at where all books are sold March 25th and thank you to Kill Tony for being so nice to me thank you make some noise for Ian Edwards ladies and gentlemen here one of the greats

comedy so I should have wrote something before I came here

has not written a book but he does have a new special on YouTube follow him on Instagram is YouTube and Instagram is the scene it's Ian Edwards Comic.

You guys have both been on the show multiple times. I'm proud to announce that it is a record.
309 human beings signed up. Yeah.

All you got to do, kids, make your own show. Do it every single Monday for 12 years.
Make a big Netflix announcement and you two will be bigger than ever.

309 humans, just absolute crackheads, hoping to get on stage.

Some real talented comedians from all around the world mixed in here, no doubt, but the odds of of us pulling one of them are so low absolutely so low most likely just a homeless crazy person we all know it but we love it that's what the show is absolutely anything can happen they get a minute uninterrupted and then i conduct an absolutely insane improvised interview you know their time is up when you hear that cat

60 seconds is up they get a little more time or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear which rudely interrupts them and then the interview begins the whole thing is chaos and fun, hopefully.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

While they go wrangle that comedian from next door, we're gonna start with a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. One of the jewiest little sweet boys to ever win a golden ticket.

Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted by Jack Shaw.

Hey guys,

I'm very happy I just got an acting manager. I've always wanted to be an actor and I don't love the types of auditions that they're sending me out for.

The first audition I ever got was for a college student who gets the shit kicked out of him.

And I don't know if you know how acting works, but a casting director saw my face and said, this kid is perfect to have the shit kicked out of him.

And then my favorite audition I got was for Creepy 80s Porn Projectionist,

which I fucking nailed.

And then most recently, I went out for dumb guy number two, who is sensitive to sound and cannot make eye contact.

So I think my type is fucking autistic. And

turns out I did well because I got a callback for that role, and it was down to me and a guy named Trevor who was like severely autistic. And

somehow, I got the part, guys. So

thank you guys so much. There you go.
A minute from Jack Shaw. Let's jump right into it, Jack.
You were able to get an acting manager? Yeah. Wow, how were you able to do that?

Through my comedy manager. And what's your comedy manager's name? Matt Sidikian.
Siddiqian. That's Matt Sian.
I got a nice Iranian. That's not a real name.

Siddiqian? Yeah. Is that Armenian? I think he's Iranian.
Uh-oh.

I'm guessing that's a problem for you.

Is he Jewish? Yeah. No.
Really? You have a non-Jewish, someone like you as a non-Jewish.

And how about your acting manager? Is that Jewish? Yes. Okay, there you go.
Right on schedule. Got to control the game somehow.

Interesting. You look like an anti-Semitic puppet, dude.

What's going on in your pocket? What's in there, man? I'm playing with my penis, dude.

All right. I got to be comfortable somehow, Sam.

Game respects game. Yeah.

Playing with your little dreidel down there. Absolutely adorable.
If you spin it, I'll come. Okay, all right.

So, you're really an actor, Jack? I didn't know this about you. Yeah, I've always wanted to, I've always wanted to act.
I've always wanted to act. Have you ever done it before? Yeah, dude.

What have you done? That commercial I was talking about, it was a spectrum commercial.

You're on it.

That is amazing.

Absolutely incredible. And what'd you do on the commercial?

I had a lot.

Jesus fucking Christ you people.

You invited me here. I know, I know, I know.
You asked me to come on the show. I know.
So you can go.

I know. We do that sometimes.
We invite you people on trains and such, you might know.

We take a free ride, dude. I know.
So what did you do on the commercial?

I said, is that a metaphor? That's it. That's it.
The body soul.

We should have said, we're on the spectrum.

Okay, all right. Shouldn't have said that.
Maybe not. All right.
Well, I did that joke about 30 seconds ago. Yeah, well.
They loved it. You were right there.
Yep.

You got to get your hand off your little fucking hidden cock.

How about how about other acting things? What else have you done, acting-wise, Jack? I did a, I was on a I played a lawyer, of course, on a Hulu. I did a Hulu show.

That's coming out. That's pretty cool, I guess.
What do you do in that? What's your big scene in that?

I say,

well, I'm defending an orphan.

Guess what?

That orphan's going to jail. Oh, we lost the face.

Totally blew it for that orphan.

Wow. In a dream world, what kind of acting gig would you like to have? Oh, I really want to be in Star Wars.
Really? What kind of character do you think you could play in Star Wars?

I would like to be some sort of a Jewish Jedi. Wow.
That's redundant, man.

Wow. You'll get killed faster than the black guy.

I'm an ally, dude.

There's no allies in space. All right.

A Jewish

Jedi.

I can't really picture you doing that. Yoda.

This is not the price you're looking for.

Two for one you will sell me this at.

20% discount.

We'll be taking all of this land.

Mr. Vader, it appears as if you're having trouble breathing.
Would you like some of my allergy medicine?

Oh, the Death Star is so hot.

Wow.

Star Wars with you.

Juju Binks over here.

Or Char Char Banks also works.

You mean Star Wars or Space Balls 3?

So Jack, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here yeah man I uh I uh

oh I prepared a speech was that list of people to kill yeah

the hostages in Palestine must be released immediately

the fuck do you have written down there

It's been long enough. What type of people holds on the hostages for this door?

I didn't do it

it wasn't me who occupied it okay all right all right all right the show has begun Jack thank you so much it has started with the stylings of Jack Shaw ladies and gentlemen and now we move on to the bucket funny material funny material Star Wars we're talking Star Wars

Wow ladies and gentlemen

nothing better to just scrub the memory of Jack Shaw out of of your mind than the lovely Heidi, everybody. Just the opposite of Jack Shaw.
A strong, Germanic woman.

All right. Well, this name sounds like it could be one of Jack's agents or managers.
Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of JJ Lieberman, everybody. JJ Lieberman.

Here we go.

Hey, hey.

I saw someone so good looking, it made me resent my parents. You'll get that if you're ugly.
You see someone hot and then you think about your parents. You're like, you idiots had to fuck each other.

They made a lateral move and I'm like, well, here I am. I'm the one who has to suffer.
I got my father's big nose. I got my father's big nose.
And I got my mother's fat upper pussy area.

I hide the foopa well, lady, so.

I do a lot of gay shit, and I don't mean gay like when a man says he doesn't eat meat. That's gay as fuck.

I mean I suck dick.

And I just want to clear it up. I don't want you thinking I'm a vegan.

And it throws people off when I say that because I've got this energy of a high school football coach with multiple DUIs.

And people are like, you're into guys? Oh my God, I machine gun through Twink Asshole.

No twinks in here.

But I do it all. I'm not gay.
Like, I hook up with dudes. I hook up with chicks.
I've hooked up with a trans person, which makes the most sense if you're going to do dudes and chicks.

Why choose between steak and lobster when you're getting surf and turf at the same price?

All right, JJ Lieberman. A lot of information in a little nerve minute.
Absolutely incredible.

Welcome, JJ. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah, first time.
Absolutely. How old are you? I'm 44.
How long have you been doing stand-up? This is going to be my 13th year. 13th year.

Where you been doing it at the for the first 10 Toronto and then I moved to New York for a couple years during COVID and then I just moved here. You originally from Toronto? Yeah originally Canadian.

So you're Canadian? Yeah. Canadian Jew.
Canadian and gay, the three strikes. Wow.
Absolutely

right.

Gayish, gayish.

Canadian Jew moved to America right when healthcare got free. That is crazy.
That's against your own grain there.

Okay, so let's talk about. What's your last name? Lieberman.

The first guy looked way more Lieberman than you.

It is amazing. You came out talking about how Jewy you look, and we just had fucking the Jewish prince up here.

I look like the meme, if I like.

Oh, my God, you do. Oh, God.

You said I didn't. That's the most self-depredating, racist thing I've ever seen in my life.
That is incredible that you really do.

Look at Leela. They're so excited.
I love that. I like you, JJ.
I like that. The fact that you would lean into something that racist on yourself is incredible.

Well, I like beards, but dude, if I got the beard, it's over. Over.
People go, it's him.

Absolutely.

So does the JJ stand for Juju?

Yes. It is incredible.

What do you do? How do you make money?

Kind of this.

Kind of this. Yeah.
Kind of what else. So like for the first, like I was literally going day to day in New York.
I would bark for shows. I would hand out flyers for 10 bucks an hour for comedy clubs.

And I was like, just getting by. And then

about a few months ago, a couple videos went viral. And then I'm like.
Selling sex machines on my Instagram. So wait.
You're that guy. I'm that guy.
I'm the fire.

Hold on. Hold on.

You're so horny online. Yeah, you're so horny offline.
Come on.

What the hell is going on? Find this video.

How the fuck do you know about this? He makes these hilarious videos where he has like a fucking ditch sucking machine and then he'll be in like TSA shit. Hold on,

slow it down. Everybody knows that.
Pump the brakes. Pump the brakes.
A ditch shoving machine? Oh, I like sucking machine. It's a shucking.
That's a whole different fetish.

I like to call. He loves to come.

I love to come.

It's a meat milker. No.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Your meat's getting milked. It's amazing.
It's amazing. I won't even plug the company, but it honestly, it's a thousand-dollar version of the flashlight.
First time I used it, it drained me dry.

Dude, I brought it through TSA, and the chick it was like a black chick. She goes, oh, hell no, what this?

Okay. I was like,

she says it.

She literally goes, oh, hell no. I said, it's a meat milker.
Yeah, you say it's for getting my dick filled. I'm in my dick race.

She said, put it away.

Of course she did. Her brain worked.
That was that.

Is that the one? No, that was in Driverless. How do we find this fucking, why don't you have it pinned? What's that?

Why don't you have the hit video that made you famous pinned at the top of your instagram well because i i there's it's not it wasn't that one it was there's another one where the original one i was at the gym and i saw some chicks box sweaty

so i was like so i'm like walking down the street and i literally go i'm not a pervert but

And that went mega viral. People are like, you are a fucking pervert.
I'm like, I'm not. She had a wet box and I saw her.

You're not even into that. No.

I like pussy. Oh, you do?

Oh yeah. I'm so confused.
He's fucking a vacuum. Yeah, I think.
Yeah,

yeah, what the fuck? Like, oh, oh, if I'm gonna. Yeah, right.
I'm not a celebrity on this show.

This is

crazy. You like what you like.
Red Band, you'd love his stuff.

He can't find it. I know.
You need to have that shit pinned, man.

It was after

sometime in December. But I post every day.

I'm ill. Yeah.
Now we could tell. I'm ill.
We could tell. They didn't like the gay shit at first.

They don't like it ever here.

At first, it always hurts a little bit, and then you get used to it. Well,

this little piglet was laughing when

I said I was into everything. Sir, someone's going to kill you if you keep calling Texans in the front row piglets.
Matthew ain't killing nobody. Look at him.

Look at him. Spent just enough time in Canada

to forget that guns exist, huh?

Incredible. That little guy couldn't hurt anybody.

I love it. JJ, what do you do for fun when you're not making content or doing stand-up? I know what he does.
Oh, wow. Okay.

Sam?

To be honest with you, it goes really deep. Like, I have a huge...

Enough about your asshole already. What What else?

I don't get fucked. I'm a man.
But.

Okay. What else other than stand up and content? So this is the woman thing.
Like, I love, I have a huge lactation fetish.

Really? Is this true? Swear to God, man. You're into women lactating? Fuck yeah.
But you also, so you, you, I'm so confused. You're gay.
No.

Didn't you say that you're gay? I've done gay shit.

We're so confused. Red Band, confirm that you're gay.
You said that you're gay. I mean, I mean, if you

shave your beard, I mean, we'll figure it out. JJ, suck me in a fucking creep and answer the questions.
God, these gays are so fucking horny. They will literally stop down in the middle of a show.

Like, are you trying to fuck right now?

Jesus, JJ. It's very simple.
What do you do for fun other than content or comedy? I do. I do have...
I like poker. I played poker during.
You don't even know her.

I played in the main, the World Series of poker main event.

Really? Yeah, during COVID, so we were locked down in Canada and I had nothing to do.

So basically I studied poker, poker every day, and I like would run it through like the AI simulation, the Sims, and I started making money playing cards. And I love playing poker.

And I moved to Vegas for a few months before New York kind of opened up. And I was playing poker every day in the casinos making money played in the main event let's go back to lactating tits

so when did you figure out that you're into this how does this happen I'm guessing very early

I bet it was so early you have no memory of it

but you do have memories of it

We should work together

Do the face.

Yeah. Have you ever been with with a woman while she's lactating? Yeah, so when I started really fucking chicks

in 2009 and I started with titty fucking, I love.

I love. So you were fucking almost entirely just dudes until 2009? Destroying them.
Yeah. Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

He said that with such conviction. I could smell.
I could smell shit in the air.

Absolutely incredible.

For what it's worth, I thought you were giving me an alley oop. Uh-huh.
Okay.

It's just fun watching the gay Sebastian Manescalo.

And they say, never meet your heroes.

So how do you go from strictly dudes straight to fucking a pair of tits? Man,

because that's just as straight as it gets.

Honestly, I kind of think like when you put two tits together and oil them up, it looks like a hot Brazilian dude's ass.

Wow. okay you again i was just reminded you're gay as

uh nobody pictures that when they're tits that's incredibly gay that is so gay to be with a woman just to be like all right uh how do i make a dude's ass out of this uh

what parts do i have to smush together

hey can you make uh your armpit make a fart noise and then i'll fuck it because that's kind of like a dude's ass a little bit uh

you really gaming the system

no i honestly, now I prefer chicks. Oh, there goes D Madness.
He's plugged in, by the way. There you go.
We got it. We got it.
We got you, D.

D-Madness

always has to pee when someone gets a little too gay on this show.

There he goes. Go on, D.
Fucking go pee, you weirdo.

Homophobic musical genius, ladies and gentlemen. But yeah, I do prefer women.
Okay.

You ever get gay-bashed in Canada? Canadians seem like such nice people. No, never.
Nothing ever happened, right? No. Nothing at all.
They accept everybody up there. Yeah.
Did you ever get Jew bashed?

No.

Never. Even your time here in America.
Not at all.

Like online in the videos, people go, like, you're a diabolical Jew, and I'm like, oh.

Yeah.

I get that.

I can see it.

I can see it. Do you ever take the milk lactations and try to sell it as milk on the milk market? I'm trying to buy it, dude.
Wow. Hear that, ladies?

What would you do if I told you that we have an unlimited amount of breast milk in the back

and that,

like, how much of it do you think you could drink in one

sitting? So, like, I've actually had people offer me bottles, but I honestly only want to drink from the tap, so.

You're a connoisseur. Yes, sir.
Yes.

You do sell headshots, though, still, right? Headshots.

What you told me the other night? Dick pics. You sell dick pics.

I told you in confidentiality, dude.

What the fuck is going on, man?

Where did you meet this guy the other night? At Sunset. You did a spot at Sunset the other day.
And you guys caught up a little bit, huh? Yeah. Wow.

You have the best of both worlds here because he's a dude that has has milky tits So this is your one-stop shop right here. He can also book you for comedy.

I would love to have you on the secret show.

Oh my god.

Oh my god. What a twist

What a twist

This is like kill Tony directed by M. Night Shyamalan red band in the end is the gay one

Unbelievable Absolutely incredible.

JJ, I like your style. Where can people find your content and whatnot? JJ Lieberman Live on Instagram.
And that's basically. I love that.
You've been doing it 13 years. You deserve it.

Thanks for signing up. Fun interview, fun times.
Way to get it. JJ Lieberman has arrived to the Kill Tony universe.
All right, y'all.

Gather around because Monet Exchange from Sibling Rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini.

Now, listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, U.S.
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Monet exchanged in the library, uploading a picture of my music theory homework, like Gemini, please help Adiva out, or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying in the practice room for three hours.

This would have been life-changing. Now, back to the goods.
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Rules and restrictions may apply. We know this young man.

He's lived in Austin for a while. Make some noise for a new minute from Philip Garcia, everybody.
Here comes Philip Garcia.

Thank y'all.

I've been crushing up Plan B and putting it in my girlfriend's eggs every morning.

Yeah, she's Latina, so it's a must. She's Catholic, so I have to sneak it in somehow.
Yeah. If you really want to think about it, it's like an abortion inside of an abortion, which is even crazier.

Yeah, thank you.

Also, it's like a $72 egg at this point. You know what I'm saying?

We're in love, though. We're shitting with the door open, which is great.

Yeah, it's good. That's a good place to be.

The other day, she got really scared, though. I think she paid attention for the first time.
She walked by and she went, oh, when guys shit, their dick and balls go inside the toilet bowl with it.

And I was like, yeah, that's crazy. You put your mouth on that thing.

She was like, it's in the water and everything. And I was like, sadly, we don't have that problem.
Thank you for pointing that out, though.

All right, guys. Thank you so much.
I'm Philip Garcia. Thank you.

Philip Garcia.

I am a little confused. Why would she say that the dick and balls go in the water?

If I was blessed enough, they would probably get

ever had that. Ian, I think you can explain the punchline.

Well, Tony, when you sit down on the toilet.

Well, I understand the concept, but I don't understand why she would think that.

I also don't understand why you think you're fertile. Yeah.

You're wasting plan B, bro.

Fair enough. You're right.

Why would it... Why would it...
It doesn't matter.

How's life going, Philip? Let's talk about it. What's going on with you? It's going really well, actually.
We work at Sunset Strip Liberty Club. Yep, work over.

Employee of Red Band. Look at this.
They all slowly

get shaped more and more like you the longer they work there.

Are you sending him dick pics, too? No, no, no.

What's been going on, Philip? You've been on the show multiple times. Yeah, it's good to be back.
Since then, I've started like not to plug my own ship, but here I go.

I've been doing the Man on the Street interviews on 6th Street. So I've been capturing that madness.
And then recently I had some really big success with a clip that blew up.

It had over like 100 million views. Wow.
What was the clip of? Buffet girl. Maybe y'all know.

See, good. Thank God the world's a good place that y'all don't know.
Viral clip. Is this another dick sucking machine? Yeah.

Now she is. She's an OnlyFans girl.
So that's, yeah. I'm basically just out there creating porn stars out of thin air on 6th Street, giving them a spotlight.
What are you doing, molesting young women?

No, not there yet. Maybe in a couple years when it's more successful, I guess, then I can go down that terrible road, right? You rascal.
No, I would never do that. That's a joke.

Can we scratch that?

How long have you been with your Latina girlfriend, Philip? We're going on three years now.

Okay. Trace, what does she do for work?

Eld musician. She's a musician? Yeah, she's a musician.
What type of music does she play? She does like kind of like Austin rock, you you know, that southern whatever it is that's called.

She's a singer? Yes, she is. You go see her often.
You support her? Yeah, yeah. Check her out.
She's Ali XX. You said she's Latina.
Does she sing Latina?

No, but right now

she has to work on an undercover project where she can't have her identity tied to it because of her label. So she has to wear like a, she's going to wear like a Mexican luchador mask.
Wow.

So she doesn't sing Latina. Does she sing in Spanish? No, no, not at all.
She speaks Spanish. She's completely wasting it, I think.
Yeah. She'll figure it out.
I believe in her.

Either that or I'll have to close the door when I poop from here.

The plan B thing is that because you're coming inside of her, Philip, are you

don't do that? No. But you're so afraid of me.
I'm washing my sheets like three times a day, basically. You think you can get pregnant from coming on sheets? Hopefully not.

Is it so that.

Is it so that her man on the side doesn't get her pregnant?

Yeah, she's got a man on the street. She's surely got another guy, too.

I mean, I guess that's good insurance. That saves me on the paternity test, then, I guess, right?

When I say something that makes sense, it is not fucking funny at all.

Philip, what else is going on?

Not much. I'm in golf and a shit done, way too much.

Handicaps is the exact same. This is a really boring golf conversation.

Got in a real bad car accident, got an OWI. Here you go.
Got an OWI on a road game.

What happened there?

I was actually with a couple of door guys from the mothership

the day before this place opened.

And

one of them wanted Taco Bell so bad he rushed our leaving from the bar. I bet I can guess who it was.
Oh, yeah.

You can take a look at him. There's some fat guys.
Yeah.

This motherfucker, the red and blue lights came on on the way, like when we were getting pulled over, and he goes, so I guess this means we're not getting Taco Bell then, huh?

Damn. And you were crying.

Just the biggest guy in Wisconsin jail, too, because they all have like fetal alcohol syndrome or whatever up there. That's where you were?

Yeah, I was like in cowboy boots and a denim jacket and they were calling me cowboy.

You gotta be fucking wasted to get a DUI in Wisconsin. No, that's the crazy.

Your first DUI in Wisconsin is on the state.

It's not a criminal charge. It's a civil charge because they want you to drink that fucking much.

I got really, really lucky. I got a DUI in a state, one of two states where you can kind of walk away with it with a decent attorney.
That's a feather in your cap. Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, Philip. Well, thanks for coming by.
Thanks for having me. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.
I'd love to do it. I'll see you there.
You already have one of these, right?

There he goes. Okay.

Ah.

All right. We're going to keep it moving.
D-Madness is back, everybody. Wow.

Only guy that leaves eight minutes into the show.

Really get a lot of bang from my buck with D-Madness here.

Literally has been gone for half the show for those of you keeping track. All it takes is one homophobic opener.
Can we get D-Madness's bass guitar on him?

Alright.

How about a hand for the amazing squad we have here? Some of the best producers,

security people,

camera people.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Annie Teischer, everybody. Annie Teischer.

I'm not sure about having kids. My best friend just had a baby, a little girl, and she told me she feels like her reason to live is to be a mom.

But if your reason to live is to be a mom,

And your daughter's reason to live is to be a mom,

and her daughter's reason to live is to be a mom.

That's called a pyramid scheme.

And I'm not picking up on any drumbeat out there to make any more of me.

I can't come close to doing my own taxes. TurboTax asks me the same questions every year, and I still have to call my dad.
Like, hey, dad, do I pay railroad union dues?

No, no? Okay.

Am I American Samoan?

Hello?

Annie Tysher. Am I saying that right? Tysher.
Okay, welcome. Grab that microphone.
We're going to talk to you for a second here, Annie. Welcome, welcome.
How long you been doing stand-up?

About six weeks. Wow, six weeks.

What made you want to start six weeks ago?

You know, I've always wanted to do it, and I, you know, I already live here, and it's a great place to see if maybe

I can handle it. Well, here you are.
You're in the eye of the storm right now, Annie. Can I say something complimentary? Sure.
Your second joke is way ahead of the curve for six weeks.

The American Samoan thing, that's a great joke. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.

I think if you took a breath right now,

exhaled, you did great.

Be here now with us. Thank you.

So, Annie, here we are.

All right.

Okay.

That was weird, guys. I know.

I was nice to a woman and they liked it. That's crazy.

So, here we go. You said you already lived in Austin.
What do you do in Austin? I'm a golf professional. A law professional.
Golf. Golf professional? Holy shit.

You've been playing your whole life, I take it. Since high school.
Right. Yeah.
And so that's what you do for a living? Yes. At a particular club or something? I'm at Spanish Oaks out in B Cave.

That's amazing. That's a great place.
That's exciting. How long have you been doing that?

I've been a golf pro for about 10 years. Wow.

Incredible.

It's at BK?

B Cave. Oh.
It's a suburb. I thought it was Burger King.

I don't golf.

I was like, maybe I'll play golf if it's a fucking Burger King course.

Red Band, did you have similar thoughts? Yes.

Absolutely.

I love it. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you being a golf pro out there with all the boys on a golf course? People are drinking, they're smoking, they're having a good old time.

What have you seen? Well, when it's a private membership, people know that they're going to see you again. So behavior is kind of,

I've worked at public courses, and when people know they're not going to see you again, things look a little different.

But.

Has anyone ever put you in a golf bag and wheeled you around?

Yes. Yeah, you're a little thing.
Yeah, that's fun. See? Very fun.
We need to know about these hijinks.

Annie, what's the craziest thing you've seen out on a golf course? Yes, yes. Have you ever taken a bath in a ball washer? All right.

I'm just checking with Annie on this one. Annie, what's the craziest thing you've ever seen on a golf course?

Seen,

I, well, personally, I've seen this very up close. I teach, you know, I teach five-year-olds.
I get, I get hit in the face a lot.

Okay.

So that, like, that's, I mean, that's very, that's very much up close. I'm seeing it.
You mean hit like by their hands? The club. The club.
The club.

I thought it was by their dads when they're like, his stroke is still bad.

What are we fucking paying for?

Kevin fixed his handicap. I'm going to give you one, toots.

Toots. That's what I assume.
I don't know. I don't golf.

I love it. Annie, when you're not working, what else are you into? What have you been doing your whole life? What am I doing my whole life? For fun.
For fun.

Well, I try to avoid golf being my answer, but it is up there.

Golf.

It's not like when you want to get wild, not daytime. Let's say the sun went down.
The sun's down. Tony, she's so white.
I don't know.

She came out looking white. Then she said, I teach golf.

What's the wildest thing you ever done playing golf? Golf. Yeah.

If you guys wondered what it was like at the presidential inauguration, every woman was exactly like this. This is what they look like.

This is the new administration of the government.

Every Trump, every person. She even answers the questions like she's in fear for her life.

Just regular questions.

No, I don't have anything to hide. What do I do when I want to have a woman? If you want to get wild,

like the sun's down, golf things are no longer an option.

When you crack that bottle of Merlot and go nuts.

Yeah. Is that what you do? Do you ever do that? Something like that?

I go out sometimes. What do you?

Oh, my goodness. Here we go.
We're getting closer, ladies and gentlemen. We're getting closer.
When you go out, what exactly do you do sometimes?

Well, I'm from Indiana, so I will, if I can, I'll play cornhole. Oh, my goodness.
It's getting whiter somehow, ladies and gentlemen.

It's getting getting whiter. Don't ask JJ Lieberman to play.

It's so white that it's getting translucent in here. You can almost see entirely through it.
Any of you ever crushed up a Tynanol and not take it?

I didn't mean to keep doubling down on the white. You're doing good.
You're doing perfect. Just answer the questions honestly.
It's not up to you.

Let me ask you this, though, because I'm excited about this one. Here we go.
Why don't you tell me the blackest thing about you?

Oh yes.

I am the best host in all of comedy.

The crown weighs heavy sometimes, but god damn it, I crack my neck and I go out and I start another day.

Tony, that's a great question, but the answer is going to be so white. Well, I mean, Tan.

No, no, no, no. No, I have a good one.
Oh, my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, she has has a good one. Can I get a spotlight?

Here we are, live in Austin, Texas, with the whitest white woman we've ever met. And this is the blackest thing about her.

I shop at Ross.

I don't know why I have tape on me.

I just grabbed something to make myself comfortable because that is somehow the most racist thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It is incredible.

The black guy is the only person not smiling right now.

Absolutely incredible.

Let me ask you this. Do you actually purchase the things or do you walk out without paying for them?

You know, I look for the sensor. Wow.
Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.

She does it like a white woman. I do.

No,

I wanted to keep going down that track.

I purchase it. Okay.

The fact that you said purchase instead of buy is incredible.

This is amazing.

This literally I mean it is

she doesn't even buy shit on sale because it feels like a steal

she's like what's the original price on this

and I'd like to write a check

and yes I do have two forms of identification

and yes I would like to donate an extra two dollars to the charity that

do you guys validate

you know what I won't even need a bag I don't want to waste the plastic Thank you.

Absolutely incredible. I have another question.

While we're having so much fun, I'm just curious. What do you think, Annie?

Annie, what do you think the most Latino thing about you is?

You can't say those earrings.

And you can't say that you shop at Ross. Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, one more spotlight. This is the most Latino thing about Annie Tyscher.

I draw my eyebrows on.

More tape. Two tape.
Two tape Annie. Two tape Tysha.

We are here live with two tape Tysha. I thought the tape color corresponded to the question.
It's just a

that is a very Latino thing. Our entire Latino wing of the show is in approval of it.
They all know the ladies, they shave their eyebrows and then they draw them on in the Latino culture.

That's a thing. We don't know why.
Do any of you guys know why? Have you ever asked one of your 14 sisters, Michael?

Why do they do that? I mean, they have hair, they have natural hair, they could you normally they're very good at landscaping. You would think that they would trim around it.

You don't have an answer. Nobody knows.
It's absolutely incredible. Is there a Latino woman out there that has an answer, perhaps?

No one knows. It's one of the great mysteries of the world.
Truly, nobody knows. I'd be interested to know if we ever find out.
If anybody wants to send me a handwritten letter, I'd love to know.

Do you have like any eyebrows? Or were they frozen off? Yes, also.

Okay. There you go.

This is absolutely incredible.

Amazing, Annie. Such a fun interview.
And for six weeks in, very, very, very promising. Distinct punchlines.

Thank you.

Congratulations, Annie. You're leaving here with a big joke book.
Six weeks into the game. There you go.
Absolutely. She walks over and grabs it like the whitest person ever.

Oh, I'd rather not catch it, Tony. I'm.

or

I'd like to have the book handed to me in the most professional way.

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know if you guys have any fucking Japanese power behind you, the band tonight.

Last week,

we were graced with the presence of a brand new golden ticket winner that I mean, I don't want to fucking show all my cards too fast, but I really think this, his first time cashing in on the golden ticket, his second appearance ever on this show.

I really think that this guy might be a force of nature. I'd like to introduce you to the comedy stylings of the newest golden ticket winner.
This is a new minute from Kansai Yasuda.

Thank you.

Thank you guys.

I just went back to Japan to see my family. And on a Japanese airport, I saw a huge sign that says

do not export wagyu beef semen

without permission.

And immediately I was like, damn,

I wish my semen is important enough to get permitted, you know.

Like I wish everybody desired my semen, you know.

Like

I wish I wish someone sucked me off

and

keep my semen

inside their mouth

and try to cross a border

and get shot at

and die.

and and this person's whole family is devastated

just because of my salmon

thank you very much

kansai iasuda welcome sir hi tony kansai welcome welcome last week we learned about you that you uh are uh japanese yes you live in canada yes and you almost entirely with all of your spare time, eat ramen and have sex with your girlfriend.

Yes.

Just wanted to catch up the room with what we learned just last week. There's no way you were all here, so I wanted you to know.
Well, I think I know some other stuff he might do. Yeah.
Yeah.

Be an extra on Boy Meets World.

Boy Meets a Robo.

Thank you.

Say, hey, Corey, you need to be cool.

Hey, Corey, you need to be cool. Wow.
Wow. Wow.
Incredible.

Absolutely amazing. Kansai Yasuda has returned.

So Kansai, how's this last week been for you? Last week been amazing.

I did.

Volkon. Oh, Vorkon.
Vorkun.

Uh-huh.

That is.

secret show. Ooh, secret editor show.
Red pan, yeah.

Secret.

I feel like somehow you're doing a racist impression.

That's what I love about him.

A little bit, little bit. It's like Bruce Lee's son is doing comedy.

Bruce Lee tart.

You sound cool as fuck though. Yeah, definitely.
You look cool too. Thank you.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kansai.

What does kansai mean in Japanese?

Sick tree.

A sick tree? Sick tree. Like an unhealthy tree? Oh, like a sick, like a Sam, like a

big fat tree.

Wow.

No, like a, no, but like a strong, like you. Okay.
Nice recovery. Yeah.

That's okay. The Godzillas have been mean to your people, so

let me apologize on behalf of my people.

Gomen Nasai.

Sorry.

Eo.

Kansai Yasuda.

Have you talked to your girlfriend who you left up in Toronto, who you're deeply in love with since winning the golden ticket and caught her up about this amazing week that you've had in Austin, Texas?

I haven't. I talked to

but I

she was like busy working in a ramen shop. She was begy.
Yeah, so I talked to my parents. Uh-huh.
What did your parents say? My dad was

happy but a little bit sad. Uh-huh.

Yeah, why do you think he was sad? Because we made a promise to each other that if I don't do...

that you have to get a real college degree and a job. Yes.
Yes.

If you don't do that, you have to do Sappoku, right? Yeah, yeah.

Dishonorable. That is as Japanese as it gets.
So you told your dad that basically you made it, that you got recognized on the biggest show in all of comedy. Yeah.
And he was sad about it.

Because we made a promise that I was going to take over his nail salon. Oh.

Wow.

Wow. Even more Japanese than any of us could have expected.

Your dad owns a body waxing salon?

Nail salon.

Nail salon? Oh, I thought you said nair salon. Yeah.

Nail salon. That makes a lot more sense.
Yes. Thank you.

And the nail salon that's in Japan? Yeah, it's in Tokyo, Japan. Shinagawa.
Is it very profitable? Did you just you just gave it a shout out? Yeah, that's it. Say it again.
What is it? Shinagawa.

If you want your narrower done properly, go to Shaliragala, Tokyo,

Prefecture.

Yeah.

Your dad's shop is going to be packed tomorrow, and he's going to be like, Khansayam, I am so proud of you.

So many Nero.

What What made your dad open a nail salon? My dad,

he liked nail.

So he's a pervert?

Like a fetish. He is Japanese.

What does your mom do for a living, Kansai? My mom.

Construction business?

Yeah, like she helps my dad.

But now she

quit cuz she didn't like it

And then now she works at the supermarket

What does she do at the supermarket? She uh yeah, what's she do man?

She paint mirror

She she controls the vegetable. Oh

Wow

When you say she controls the vegetable,

I don't know how Japanese supermarkets work.

Can you explain to us what you mean by control the vegetable? A single vegetable she's in control of? Does she use her hands? Yeah, like multiple vegetables. Oh, multiple vegetables.

Yeah, and with the hand, and then

and she, I think, just like

move it around

and just and then put into the right spot right

right

that's controlling vegetables yeah

that's textbook vegetable control yeah

this girlfriend of yours that works at the ramen shop I can't remember if I asked you she's Asian as well yes she's half Filipino half Japanese half Filipino half Japanese does she do anything odd or

you know, anything that stands out to you in which you're like, ah, that's Filipino. That's not Japanese.

Is there something that Filipinos do that Japanese people don't do that you kind of notice and you're like, oh,

it's a long way to set that up, but it was worth it, bro.

She

doesn't let me eat her pussy. Oh Oh

my

goodness. This is unbelievable.
Well, it must be hard to see it because it's all blurred out.

That's Japanese, Sam.

I should have asked which half.

She controls her vegetables.

Tony, if I may follow your line of inquest from earlier, would you mind mind telling us what you think the blackest thing about you is? Absolutely. Great question.

And here we go with a single spotlight. I would like to present to you, this

is, with 10 seconds to think about it, the blackest thing about Kansai Yasuda.

My eyeball.

The color of the eyeball is black.

Okay, not. Let's turn the lights back on.
Hold on, Kansai. Okay, one more time.

It doesn't have to be like a physical thing on your body.

Nobody was expecting you to go, I'm a huge kaka.

I mean,

like, like with things that you do, or things that you like, or hobbies that you have, or things that you say, or things that you do, or something that you've done, we're asking you about your...

About your

hobbies, anything that you, something you do, behaviors throughout the day,

what is the blackest thing about you? And this is the answer from Kansai. Yes,

I sag my pants.

You do sag your pants. It's another physical thing about you.
We were going more for like a behavior or an action of some kind.

Like, what's the most jabber walkie thing about you?

There it is. The most jabber walky thing about Kan Sai is.
What's Jabba walk?

Come on, man. Let's say I don't play that game with me.

What are you doing?

Cheba.

He thinks it's a new slur he's never heard.

You haven't been here that much. Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it. So, Kansai, have you asked your girlfriend why she won't let you eat her pussy?

She says she's...

Like, she doesn't want me to watch it. She doesn't want you to watch it? Yeah.
To watch it? Like, look at it or watch it? To look at at it. Why would she not want you to look at it?

You felt it before. Do you think there's a reason why? Is it perhaps, you know, a little bit, is there a little bit of ramen hanging out of the bowl? Do you know what I mean? Is there a little.

Is it a little?

That's possible.

Oh. So there's a little something there, huh?

It felt really good.

I bet it does feel really good. It feels good.

And you want to eat it, don't you?

Yeah. You really do, don't you?

I can't wait anymore. I know.

I know.

You must be starving, Kansai.

But remember, if you really like it, it's not impolite to slurp. Exactly.

It's probably hard to eat it with chopsticks.

Absolutely incredible.

Kansai Yasuda. I could talk to you absolutely forever.
You are one of the easily the most amazing interviews in the history of the show with only two under your belt.

Incredible. Thank you very much.
That is the second ever appearance by Kansai Yasuda.

And back to the bucket we go. How about one more time Good Milad for Kansai Yasuda?

all right back to the bucket there's the lovely Heidi everyone there she is

all right make some noise for your next bucket pull everybody he goes by the name of Jimmy Moynihan everyone Jimmy Moynihan

Thanks everybody you guys seem very nice which is good I've I've been depressed lately.

But I have a therapist now, which is good, because I can't talk to my friends about depression. I can't.
They're not helpful. The other day I was talking to my buddy.
I'm like, I don't know, man.

I think if it wasn't for my parents, I'd probably kill myself.

And he was like, eh, I think your parents would understand.

I mean, they love you, but ultimately, they want what's best for their son.

I had that one married friend who has like a family, so he thinks his problems are worse than everyone else's. You know, we were out late, and he says, I have to go home.
I've been up since 8 a.m.

I'm like, I had to wake up at 7 a.m. And he goes, Yeah, but you don't have a wife and three kids at home.
I'm like, oh, yeah, no, you're right.

Every morning when I wake up tired and depressed, I think to myself, well, at least I'm alone.

Oh man, I had that nightmare again where I had a loving family.

Hey, thank you very much. Okay.
Jimmy Moynihan.

Jimmy, have you been on this show before? I've never been on. Welcome, welcome.
How long have you been doing stand-up? So I've been doing stand-up six and a half years. Okay, six and a half years.

Where at? So

I started in upstate New York in Binghamton, and then I moved to Orlando

and I did it in Orlando for about four years. What did you do after Willy Wonka gave you the chocolate factory?

when did you change your name from Charlie to Jimmy Moynihan exactly

it was fucking weird that your grandparents all slept in that bed

we were very close

I love it Jimmy so six and a half years where was it at again your stand-up so Binghamton New York and then I moved to Orlando Florida did it for four years there what made you move to Orlando for comedy so I moved to Orlando for rehab.

For rehab? Oh, yeah, great. I knew it.
I knew it.

Hell yeah. That's where you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

I went to rehab and then I ended up staying.

So what'd you go to rehab for?

I was... Pain pills? It was like everything.
It was a lot as I was addicted as

well. So, yeah, I got clean and then

my parents lived in Florida, so I stayed with my parents for a little bit three and a half years and then

moved to over how were you in Binghamton New York if your parents were in Florida right so um

he was fucked up on Zans man. He has no idea they turned they turned 65 and then they moved to Florida because that's the law that makes sense got it.

Okay, so when did you know you hit bottom and had to go to rehab? What was the low point in which you're like Jesus

Christ? Okay. Right.

Securitize deep as Shemi.

So

this seems bad, but looking back on it, it's not. So

I would go on a Grinder.

That's enough for me. Yep.
All right.

Because gay,

and I would look for guys that had Coke. When I say you hit bottom, I wasn't talking about the

sexual position.

You were on Grindr just to look for guys with Coke? Yeah.

You weren't gay at all? Maybe a a little bit. Oh, okay.
He's kind of gay. So you're gay.
All right, good. But

so

one time this guy came over, and I couldn't, I would never get hard, but he would just suck my soft dick. Right.

That doesn't make you gay, trust me. Not at all, right? Yeah.

If you don't get hard, that's how you know you're straight. Exactly.
That's what I told myself. Completely.

Yeah.

So yeah, we would do, we did Coke. We became pretty good friends.

But I told my I'd be friends with that guy too if he sucked my soft cock all the time

Why why hang out with somebody that's gonna just want to yap your ear off

when you could sit there on your phone get some work done while just fucking enjoying a soft cock blowjob

There's nothing like it. Yeah, that's the life in Orlando Florida the sun's shining you're just getting your fucking dick sucked barely able to enjoy it yeah

in my parents' house, too. Wow on copious amounts of drugs.
This isn't going on anything. No, no, that's just for here.
Nobody ever hears that. This is a live show, and then it disappears.

We got to get you a different wig next time.

I know, I need a haircut.

It's called depression. You guys like it? Okay.
All right. Let's keep talking about the.

How do you...

Is there a section on Grinder where the dude says, I like Coke or I got Coke? Like, how do you... I think it's implied on Grindr.

I just roll the dice, basically.

Uh-huh. And then

they don't have Coke. So

where were we going here?

You knew you hit bottom when you were getting your dick sucked. It was soft.
You're doing Coke with a guy off Grinder. You became best friends.
Yeah, I guess that's not rock bottom.

I got my dick sucked and free Coke. It's not a terrible rock bottom.

But it was at that point in which you're like, I think I need to go to to rehab. I need to go to rehab.
Right. And you have any relapses since then? Yeah, I relapsed two weeks ago.
Oh, my goodness.

Here in Austin, Texas? Right here in Austin. On dick or cocaine.

On cocaine. Right.
So, how did that happen?

How exactly do you relapse? So

my girlfriend broke up with me. Awesome.
Shut up.

Sorry.

And I was already in a bad place, like mentally, and then I was dog sitting.

Scoopy-doo. So I, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn it! Red Band! I'm getting it from all of you. Oh my god, he does look like that.
That's incredible. These scoopy snacks you were taking?

Red Ban getting involved. Eat two, Red Band.

Is that your mystery machine double parked outside?

Fuck.

Maybe I could have got hard if it weren't for those meddling kids.

So your girlfriend broke up with you. She broke up with me.
I was.

Velma?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I was dog sitting at this guy's house. I was staying there for the week.
I get there.

There's a bunch of, there's like 65 Adderall.

um and then there's mushrooms underneath his bed and then there's a bunch of weed and i just i she broke up in me and then i just went i just went to town and yeah i haven't told him yet oh my goodness really no i didn't tell him uh

so did you

let's start with the addero what'd you do there so i crushed uh adderall up and then i snorted

and then i took two so that way i have the slow release

hell. Jesus Christ.
So let me ask you this, because you seem like an energetic guy without Adderall. I know.
It's a nightmare when I'm. So what did you do after taking all this Adderall?

Okay.

I really,

this is a comedy show, and this is going to be... Nope, it's not.
It's not a comedy show. You say the truth, and then we will make it funny, Jimmy.
Go ahead.

Just say the truth. Okay, so I took six grams of mushrooms.

Fuck.

Fuck.

This is... You take the Adderall, you snort the Adderall, you take two Adderall, and then you add six grams of mushrooms.
And then they ate six grams of mushrooms. All at like the same time.

At the same time, right after the breakup. Key.
So like. Doki.
Yeah. So he's.
And here we go. Because

I kind of...

Your bone structure, your eyes, your smile, I gotta tell you, I see a little me in you. The fact that

you both on Grinder,

I see,

I can see a correlation. And I don't ever do uppers of any kind ever.
Ever.

I

tried it once as a kid.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Maybe you can get him hard. Yeah, I bet I can.

I bet I can.

If he's anything like me, he's into people that look like him.

All right.

So let's talk about it. Yeah.

Adderall, up your nose, in your mouth, and

six

grams of mushrooms. Yeah, yeah, and they're in capsules.

Right.

So, take us through it. Okay.

So,

I take the mushrooms. Okay.
Oh, I forgot. Okay, so I left this part out.
Next to the bag of Adderall in the dresser, there's a gun.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, we're partying now, baby. Let's fucking go.

What an episode so far. Let's talk about it.
Keep going, Jimmy. The floor is yours.

Alright.

So

I've had suicidal ideations before. Uh-huh.

And so it's always been a gun. When I think about it, it's always been a gun.
Sure.

So

I.

This is crazy that I'm talking about. You don't need to set it up, Jimmy.
Just go right into it.

Okay, so I'm kind of like, I'm fucked up, and I keep circling the dresser with the gun in it, like a dog that's like waiting to be fed. Yeah, and

a starving dog, just like literally, like thinking to itself, this guy's taking medicine, he's doing it,

he's been eating things the whole time. I'm hungry.
It's my impression of the dog

while he's on mushrooms. Okay, so I'm circling, and

I'm crying. I'm like sobbing.
Right. And have the mushrooms kicked in yet? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
This was like about an hour and a half like into

circling it.

And then I had texted my buddy Joe that I was like feeling like shit earlier sure

so eventually I I pick up the gun

and I take it out of the thing

and then I put it to my head oh my god

and

I held it there for like probably 10 15 minutes just wow sobbing yeah just sobbing

and then my buddy Joe called me

and like this is a gun I picked it up and I said hey man

you were talking to the gun what's going on yeah I was talking to Joe so I had a gun in one hand and my phone in the other wow and I was sobbing on the phone with him he's like dude where are you tell me where you are and I'm like I'm not telling you where I am and then I told him I had a gun in my head and then he's like you have to tell me where you are I'm like I'm not gonna do that

And then

he

said something that I forgot what he said, but it made me laugh. And I started laughing really hard.
And then I put the gun down and I went outside. You look so concerned.
I went outside.

Calm down. He's alive.

Hey!

No spoilers, Jimmy. So sad.
What the hell? Keep going, Jimmy. Keep going with the story, Jimmy.
Don't get sidetracked, Jimmy.

So, um, I uh

keep going, Jimmy. Stick with me, Jimmy.

I go outside, still crying. The gun is on the dresser outside.

I call my buddy Justin, and I do the same shit. I just don't tell him where I am.

Eventually, he's like, I'm going to have to call the police, and they'll track your call. You can tell me where the fuck you are.
So I did, and he came over, and I cried, and he hugged me, and

chucked each other off.

Again, don't try to make it funny, Jimmy. Keep going with the story, Jimmy.
So basically,

he took me to his house, and his wife, his girlfriend, made me chicken noodle soup and I cried more and then

two days later I got I went to an AA meeting and did you ever feed the dog?

I did not. Oh my gosh.
This fucking guy's gonna come home. His dog's dead.
His drugs are all gone.

Jimmy!

Hey, I didn't put my gun over here.

Yeah. Never hire a dog sit off-grinder off-grinder ever again.

Jimmy, you're a funny guy. We could go on and on.
This interview's gone a long time. Jimmy Moynihan has made his Kill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen.

It's that easy.

All right. Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.
He's been on this show multiple times before. It's been a while.
Make some noise for Mike Eaton, everybody. It's a new minute from Mike Eaton.

Where in the world is he?

He's in the inside somewhere we've been told. Where is Mike Eaton? Is he coming? Is that him? He's a big boy.
Here he comes all the way from the back.

Here comes Mike Eaton, everybody, representing the inside, even though he is a comedian.

So this is interesting.

You guys having a good time tonight?

April 7th.

Netflix premiere of Kill Tony. Make sure to mark it in your phones or whatever.
Myrians, one more time for Mike Eaton, everybody. Mike Eaton.
Hello!

My favorite human trafficker,

favorite, is probably Harriet Tubman.

Right?

I mean, everyone else did it for money. She did it for the love of the game.

She's just like moving, people. That's a bad bitch.

She ran the Underground Railroad for 12 years, and I used to ask people if they knew how many people she saved. And I had to stop because a guy in Kansas said too many.

Fuck.

A girl in San Francisco raised her hand to answer and she had armpit hair so I was like, gross, put it down, you know.

And then she said 120,000. I was like, you might be worse than the racist guy, you know, because you're retarded.

The actual answer is 70,

which is good, just feels a bit low.

Man, I thought she was a hero.

It's not a railroad, that's a bus stop.

Most of you are still convinced that is the bitch from the bus. It's a different one.

That's it out of me. Mike Eaton.

Welcome back, Mike. Hello.
It's been a while. Hello, hello.
Yeah, it has. Very funny man.
Congratulations.

Man, I was just like sitting in the crowd watching, and last night Jimmy and I roast battled, and I was very mean to him, and then I heard this terrible story.

I was like, oh no, I was so mean to the sweet boy. Well, he didn't do it.
He's a pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, Mike, let's talk about it. What have you been up to since the last time you were on this show? Oh, man.
So, you changed my life the last time I was on the show. Okay, how did I do that?

I came on and I talked about ice cream

and my sleep.

Yeah, on par. And then the ice cream place gave me an ice cream sponsorship.
You have an ice cream sponsorship?

Wow.

That's what you needed, buddy.

That's like giving that last guy a bloated gun.

But you did also save me last time we talked about I have sleep apnea and I don't have health insurance. Right.
And then one of your fans sent me a CPAP machine. Oh my God.

Now what goes better with an ice ice cream sponsorship than a CPAP machine? Isn't that insane? Yeah. Incredible.
Yeah, so. So do you put the ice cream down the CPAP machine?

It's the only way he'll use it.

JJ kept trying to fuck it. I don't know.

Is the ice cream machine,

or is the ice cream sponsorship giving you money or just ice cream? Just ice cream.

How much ice cream are you going through now? It's been quite a bit, yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's been a couple years worth of ice cream. Wow.
What ice cream place is this? They're called Besseme. Besseme.
Yeah. Ooh la la.

I know.

They found out about it, and then they made a flavor and named it after me. Oh, my God.
What do they call it? Red Face Fuck.

I'm kidding. I've known Mike forever.
He's very funny.

What is it? It's Mike Eaton ice cream? Well, eaten good. Wow.
and it's spelled like your last name with an O. Yeah.
Okay.

What have you been doing for fun? What else, Mike? Tell us something crazy about your life. So recently I've been taking street Ozimpic.

Whoa.

Street Ozimpic. Yeah, so I don't have health insurance.
And so I'm like, I can't go get Ozimpic. And I wanted to keep eating ice cream.

Also, I was going to die from fat.

And the guy that I buy my cocaine from

was like, dude, I can get you Ozimpic from the dark web. Uh-huh.
I was like, do it. Yeah.
So I got a vial of it.

And then, yeah, because it comes like a little glass jar. Okay.
And then I bought the needles from Amazon, which feels dangerous that you could do that. Oh, God.
Yeah. Stay delivery needles.

And then I had like an Indian guy on YouTube explain how to use them. Uh-huh.

So for like eight weeks, I've just been stabbing myself in the fat. It doesn't appear to be working at all.

So I know I look like shit still, but I'm down 50 pounds, right? You are? Yeah. Are you still eating the ice cream? Not very often.

Right. I don't have any hunger anymore.
I'm in like a post-food world.

You're not overeating. You're overeating.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
That's why he's the front runner for guests of the year 2025, ladies and gentlemen. It is incredible.
I got a fun story about Mike here. Let's do it.

Fucking Mike a couple days ago gets in my DMs because I'm also on weight loss medication and I was talking on my podcast about how my burps are terrible like you get fucking terrible sulfurous burps you know fuck very disgusting it's bad well it's either that or morbid obesity you know so

so he this fucking jerk off hits me up and he's like oh man my fucking girlfriend was sucking my dick the other day and she said my load tasted like what was it quote toxic sludge oh god

yeah if you thought the burps were bad imagine the goo

oh god that is

unbelievable she's not my girlfriend don't say that online she'll hear this you got some rando eating your goo yeah yeah poor lady in a parking lot she uh she did throw up it was pretty upsetting she threw up

but also pretty funny

How soon after taking the loader and was it like immediate the throw-up?

We were in a parking lot.

Wow.

And so she did that.

You're in the driver's seat of a car? Yeah, and she just leaned over. And then I, you know, she burp-burp.
And then

you gave her the clown horn treatment? Oh.

What kind of car is it? Paint the picture. Toyota Corolla.
Oh, fucking disgusting. Oh, God.
Disgusting.

Jesus Christ. The story gets grosser and grosser.
What year? What year? Mike always told me

that's Mike. Oh, okay.
Yeah, not bad. Not bad.
uh so she does that and then i assume she was gonna swallow like she's like a champion or whatever and then she goes

and then oh out the passenger side just and i started laughing pretty hard oh god yeah now has she sucked your dick pre-streeto zempic is this the is no right this was a first date not a first

You know, dates, party lots, getting your dick sucked. Bought her some P.
Terry. No, you're getting your red or you're going to explode.
Yeah, it's the problem.

No, it just is the first time she'd suck my dick.

Wow.

How did you convince her to suck your dick?

She loves ice cream.

I just asked.

Did you have stage dick? Like, was it all sweaty and gross? No, it was, it was like too many.

Stage dick, red band. That's a thing for you.
Is that a couple nights? No, no, I had showered previous.

I knew it was coming.

So I was like, yo, you prepared. Okay.
Yeah. Okay.
I know that all that what what I said was gross, but I'm pretty hygienic, you know? Yeah. Shower and stuff.

But so you really think that perhaps because this was her first time doing that, so she had no, there was no...

She couldn't have known that it was going to be that bad. But I also, like, I didn't know.
My load hadn't been in anyone's. You hadn't tasted it yet.
Yeah.

Have you, have you perhaps taken a little

since the Street Ozempic? No, I, well. You know what we're going to do? We're going to have you blow a load into a shot glass, and we're going to have,

let me see here. Let's have the angry girl with east side bangs do it

Jesus. Oh, yeah, nothing has made her smile today.
It is absolutely incredible. I can make you throw up

All right, we gotta keep it moving along Mike you already have a big joke book here, right? I do Mike Eaton ladies and gentlemen has done it again Some fun interviews today

It's that time that we get around to one of the legends of the show, ladies and gentlemen. This regular is one of the greatest regulars of all time.

One of the youngest comedians to ever be a regular on this show, and every week writes and performs a brand new minute. This is the anomaly, the one and only Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Street Ozimbig is just heroin. I want you to know that.
That's all that is.

This is

happy happy St. Patrick's Day, white people.
Hell yeah. Yeah.

I fucking hate this holiday, nigga. It's terrible.
It's the gayest holiday ever.

It's an excuse white people to get drunk and then try to touch you. That's all it is.
Oh,

you don't have on green, I see.

I'm going to punch the fuck out you tell him back the fuck up nigga.

I hated it so and it's I get the

mascot is gay. The mascot is gay.
Yeah.

Leprechaun's a gay, man.

Leprechaun was the first gay nigga ever. That's what that is.
If you fighting behind this rainbow, I got some gold for you. That's gay.

It's going to be a midget with his dick out when you get back there.

With no gold, he's just going to piss on you. That's all that's going to happen.
It's a good old-fashioned golden shower, brother.

Even like how you spell leprechaun is gay.

For real. Watch it.
I'm going to spell it. Watch it.
L.

GBTQ. That's gay, nigga.
Gay as hell.

Y'all thought I was going to spell leprechaun. Huh? Fuck, nigga.
This is crazy. That's it.
That's the time. The St.
Patty's Day special from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Glad to get out of that one, dog. That was...

Fuck yeah. Hell yeah, man.
I'm happy. Cam Patterson has done it again.
Hell yeah. How's life going, my friend? That's good.
I just bought

really good toilet paper the other day. Ooh, nice.

And and i'm excited about it how do you know it was good toilet paper with that sherman with the bear

oh

hell yeah oh you got the bear on it now we doing it we got mama we made it we doing it you got the toilet paper with the bear on it what were you using before shit that good old-fashioned see we always get airbnbs on the road and i just steal me and all my homie would just steal the toilet paper from the airbnbs Wow.

That's what we was doing. But now I got that Sherman, dog.
Wow. I think it's Sherman.
What it's called? How you call it? Not Sherman. Sherman? Sharman.
I like Sherman better. That's a better name.

You know what? You can call it whatever you want. Old-fashioned Sherman.
Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah.
I like it. Huh? Sherman, I cannot spell that no.

Hell, fuck, no. Hell, dog.
Are you a big fan of Nat Sharman? Who that is? Okay.

I forgot you're a young phenomen.

Who is that Sherman? You know, I wish I was confident enough to tell you, but

a famous black guy. Oh, hell yeah.
That's what's up.

Let's go to our senior black guy correspondent, Ian Edwards. Do you know who Nat Sherman is? Nat Sherman? I think he just made that shit up.

Can't be a real person. Nat Sherman? Yeah.
Well, history is written by the Victors, you know?

Sherman Helms?

Oh, I know. It's written by the Victors.
Yes, no, I know. Nat Sherman, I believe, was a revolutionary figure for black rights during the

Nat Sherman is the cigarette. It's a famous fancy cigarette.
We have a Nat Turner. Yeah, yeah, there we go.
I know that person. But he never stole toilet paper.
It's not stealing, it's borrowing.

It's borrowing. It's kaborrowing.

It's Sherman.

Yeah, don't change.

Even though you're buying Sherman now, still steal toilet paper. Oh, yeah, for sure.
Do you take other things from the Airbnbs?

No.

Only toilet paper. How about hotels? Do you do any weird things in hotels?

Towels be took, nigga. You take towels? Yeah, what? Yeah.
I take them and I wash them extra hard when I get home. Right.
But I take towels for sure. I take towels.
What else?

Never mind, nothing else. No, it's good.

I don't take nothing else for real. Really? Just told me, come on homeboy, my dog, Jar, he's gonna roll with me.
He take everything. Uh-huh.
He take a lot of shit, but mainly toilet paper at first.

I'm like, that's a good idea.

But now I got Sherman. Right.
I'm excited. I'm excited, man.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

I wiped with it for the first time today, dog. How did it make you feel? Super clean.
Wow. Super clean.
I was like, this is great.

You know what I'm saying?

The one ply make your asshole bleed. You feel what I'm saying? Yep.
But that's Sherman.

Uh-uh. That sweet little teddy bear is back there.
Come on, man. Have you tried like dude wipes or a bidet or anything like that? I tried dude wipes.
I don't like his wet. I don't like that.

Black people think that bidets are gay. The bidets are gay, yes.
Yeah. Well, now I'm thinking about it.
Wiping my ass with a toilet paper with a bear on it is kind kind of gay. Yeah.

Having a bear near your ass is

gay. Mm-hmm.
Yep. Hopefully you don't have any honey in there.

I got honey at my house.

Not in your ass though. No, not in my ass.
No, no, no, no, no. At my house, though, I drink a lot of tea.

Nah. I drink a lot of tea.
I do.

I like tea. Tea is good for you.
When did you start drinking tea? When I got money. This is all new stuff.

I love these interviews with Cam because you get to see what success is like in real time with cam i got tea now you got tea drink tea yeah i'm rich

rich drink tea man hell yeah that's right good for you's drinking tea cam's drinking tea

hey give me a tea over here i'm doing okay

that's hard absolutely what kind of tea do you drink shit all type of tea really i like earl tea i like that one i like the uh the cha tea i like cha tea.

I like some tea I got to just call energizing. That's good.
It got caffeine in it. Okay.
Hell yeah. I love tea, bro.
Tea is good for you. Okay.

Absolutely. Tea pain.

That worked. They didn't get that, but I got it.
Okay. I got it.
This tea pain. This ain't like the wrap-up, crockers.
Y'all get it. I'll figure it out.

Tea grizzly. Tea grizzly.
Hell yeah. Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, fam. Hell yeah.
No, tea goes hard, fam. Tea is great.
Tea is great, yo. Tea is phenomenal, dog.
I like tea. You fuck with coffee? No, not really.

Me neither. Yeah, me either.

Yeah.

Coffee making shit. Yeah.

Yeah, but now you got all that charming. Maybe you should drink some coffee.

See, we be figuring shit out on here, man. This shit dope.
Next level shit. Next level shit.
Cam, unbelievable, as always. The man, the myth, the legend.

Automatic Cam Patterson every week making it look easy.

Special St. Patty's Day set today.
That was fun.

From one cam to another, back to the bucket we go. But back-to-back cams, spelled with K's.
Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Cam G. Cam G.

Here he is.

Man, that's cool. Two cams in a row.
I'm like the opposite, though.

Tall white and not as good as comedy.

No, it is an honor to be on the stage though. It is.
Kiltoni has done a lot to progress the art of comedy. In fact, Kiltoni is so progressive that as a straight white male, I am a diversity hire.

If the Aryan race was Hitler's dream, this shit is his worst fucking nightmare.

Be very disappointed. Somewhere in Argentina, he's rolling in his grave.

But

no, unlike most felt, or if I do become a failed artist,

I won't blame it on the Jews.

I will blame it on whoever is controlling the hot singles in my area that keep promising me the world and breaking my heart.

All right, I'm done. Bye.

Okay, Cam G,

here we go. So how long you been doing stand-up, Cam? Nine months.
Nine months. Where at? Where have these nine months taken? All Fort Worth, Texas.
Okay.

And what made you drive down to Austin today?

Actually, it was my birthday weekend.

Okay. What did you do to celebrate your birthday? We just came down, did some bar hopping, exploring the city, and then

tried comedy.

So you've been here all weekend? Yeah, yeah, I got air me for like the whole weekend. Okay.
Was there toilet paper in the Airbnb?

There was, yeah. Okay.
I bring wipes with me, though, everywhere I go. Wow.

That's white shit. Yeah.

But he also has to clean up after all his murders. He doesn't want to get caught.

Yeah.

You do have a vibe to you. What do you do for a living, Cam? I'm a bartender.
Okay. In Fort Worth? In Fort Worth, yes.
All right. What kind of bar is it? What's the theme of the bar? Oh, man.

I was a bartender at a comedy club.

You were a bartender at a comedy club? What happened? They saw your act? Yeah.

Are you no longer a bartender at a comedy club? No, like two weeks ago I quit. You quit? Yes.
So how are you going to survive? How much money did you save up? Oh, I have, I'm all right.

Yeah, I'm asking you exactly how much money you've saved up. Now I'm a disabled veteran and I'm in school, so.
You're really a veteran? Yeah, right.

You know what?

He was giving me strong sniper vibes.

Yeah.

It's quite the opposite. I just worked on computers.
You do look like the guy that hit Trump in the ear from...

If you're CMG, how bad were Cam A through F?

Not easy. You did a fine job.
You look cool.

What branch of the military were you? I was in the Navy. Okay, and what exactly did you do on the computers? I was a fire controlman.
What exactly did they do? No one here's in the Navy.

Stick with me here. What exactly does that mean? Fire control menu.
No, fire control men, so it's like radars and also like the giant big gun on the ship.

That was like my gun. Oh,

so did you shoot it sometimes? Yeah, like I'm the one that shoots it. Wow.
Yeah.

Incredible.

Sonar, so good.

Cam.

Come on. Gee.

So what do you do for fun, Cam? You seem like you're into some weird shit. Let's talk about it.
Spill the beans right here.

I just

drink. Nope.
Nope, that's not what I'm talking about. No.
Are you saying like,

oh, some like really weird shit that I like to do? Pee up. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

How did you know? It's asking a lot of me right now, man. So what is it?

I can't think of something like crazy. I like to bowl, but like.
Hey,

okay.

Now we're kind of talking. Okay, cool.

What's your average?

I keep like a 190. 190? Yeah.
Oh, is that good? I don't know.

I'm not a bowler because it's 2025. But.

You got cargo pants? That's

worrisome. Cool.

What's your love life like, Cam G? Is it mostly binoculars through windows?

No, I got a girlfriend. Wow,

what is your girlfriend? Does she know?

What does she do for a living? She's also a bartender, yeah. Okay, and she's still working, obviously.
Where'd you guys meet? At work? She still has a job, yeah. Same place? No, not the same place.

Okay. No, it's a different bar.
Where'd you meet her there? Yeah, her place, yeah. She was bartending.

You were having drinks. And then what happened? That first time that you guys hung out, exactly, how does that go down? Were you like, hey, I want to go to

want to go to my play? I want to go to my parents' place?

How old are you? 28. 28.
Okay, so that first hangout with your new girlfriend,

how did that go down? It was really good. She's cool.
I like her. Yeah, but like, what was the line that you said to her? Oh, I mean, like, I had just been going to the bar, so I just...

You just kept going? like it was just like casual like little here and there's and then eventually I was like, all right, I need to say something. So how long have you been with her? If she's single.

I think we're like on like

four months now. Four months.
So if you're if you're if you're watching out there and you're having girl trouble, all you have to do is haunt a woman's place of work. Yeah.

Yeah. That's you just go there, you stare at her.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yep.

Let her know that you're on

that she's on your radar. Yeah.
I know where you are most of the time.

You leave here late, don't you?

I've got a big gun. Don't make me use it.

Okay, Cam G.

What scares you? What are you afraid of in this world? Don't say black people, motherfucker.

Deaths? I don't know.

Jeez, Cam, you're a real serious dying amount of anything. Real tough interview.

Cam, you ever fired that gun on that ship? What's up? You ever fired the gun on that ship? Did you ever shoot anybody with the fucking big gun on your face? Anybody? Like, it was just practice. Okay.

I never actually killed people. Were you good at hitting the targets? Yeah.
What's the craziest thing about your life? Perhaps it's your parents, the way you were raised.

Perhaps something happened to you. Perhaps you accomplished something.
You won an award or you saved someone's life or you almost died, or something like that.

Absolutely anything interesting because you look like you'd be interesting, but my God, you're not.

Look, I'm so nervous right now.

It's okay, that's part of it.

Everyone else was nervous too. We had an innocent, the most innocent Aryan white woman you've ever seen in your life.

And I gave her basically five seconds to come up with the blackest thing about her, and she fucking nailed it. So being nervous has nothing to do with it.
Yeah, you're right.

That's the show that you signed up for you don't just get to suck and say oh i'm nervous you pretty much you tell the truth and then you're up here with four very funny people in red band yeah and

red band

okay

you got your whole life to reference here perhaps Your parents did something, or in school something happened, or once in the military something happened to you, or something. Fucking anything.

my mom's bipolar well all of our moms are bipolar

come on women are there's gotta be something yeah she's a woman isn't she

you know what I'm saying brother you fucking know you dirty dog

came look like he got secrets yeah exactly I know that there's some fucking good interviews behind you but you're a little bit shy right now perhaps you're on the run that's why you have your hat so low

Uh, shit, man.

My ex-girlfriend is my ex-boyfriend now.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow, where the fuck did that come from?

You gotta lead with that, fam.

The interview was almost over. What the fuck were you holding that back for?

My ex-boyfriend, my ex-girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you? We're talking to you here, begging you to say something.

And you have this bowling, huh?

My mom is bipolar, you son of a bitch. Yeah.

Your ex-girlfriend is now your ex-boyfriend. She became a boy.
She became a man. Yes.

How long ago were you dating her? God, I really hope she doesn't watch this fucking show.

If I'm guessing based on the demographics of that subculture, I'm guessing they don't watch the show.

No.

Yeah.

I was saying that meant. What did you ask me? I'm sorry.

How long did you date her for?

For like a year. Did you see any manly characteristics in her during that year?

It came out of left field. Like, it surprised the shit out of me.
It came out of left field. Yeah.
Left field. What?

There was nothing. There was no...

She never tried to wear a strap on or anything like that.

No.

No, she wasn't anything weird.

So all the times you stalked her at the bar,

you never saw nothing like this.

Nothing manly at all. She never tried to pick up the tab or

open the door for you

or

support you in any way, no matter what kind of day you were having.

Did she know how to tell a story that was funny? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard.
It's just

not shit up here. Cam G, here you go.
There's a little joke book. There he goes.
Cam G, everybody.

And it goes on and on.

We're having fun here tonight. Oh, look at these two people are about to make out while going in and out of the bathrooms.
Hello.

Okay, this looks like a fun name. Looks like a new name.

Here we are, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for On Car Sing.

On Car Sing. Here he is.

I'm single. I'm trying to date.
And all of my friends and family, they're in relationships and they're always trying to give me advice, you know? They're like, be safe out there, man.

SCDs are on the rise. Be safe.
Oh, my God. It's so scary.
It's like, yeah, SCDs are scary. But you know what's scarier than SCDs dating today as a man?

Is how expensive dating actually is, dude.

I went on a date with a woman a couple of weeks ago, and honestly, I much rather would have caught crabs from her in the bedroom than have to pay for crabs at the dinner table.

All of my friends are like, oh my god, HIV is so scary. HIV, you know what's scarier than HIV?

MKT market price. We don't even know

how much this shit costs.

I didn't know there's a market for it. I'm on Robin Hood trying to short the stock.
I'm doing

everything

but i uh i did bring that girl home afterwards and uh she was just a little heavy set she's a little big she was fat and uh

we get back to my place we're making out she takes my pants off and she sees my uncut gem and uh

she goes ill you have extra skin

And I was like, you have extra skin, you big bitch. What the hell? Von Kar Singh has reached his maximum time limit.

Indeed. Hello, welcome to the show.
Look who was laughing at him. Oh,

well, well, well, we finally found her fucking weak.

I'm Henry for you, sir. Well done.
Hello, Sam. Hey, how are you? Pretty good.
I'm upset that the bear went off at the punch, but it's okay. Now, what was the punchline?

You calling her a big fat bitch or something? She had a big vagina. Yeah, yeah.
She had a meaty vagina. Yeah, I was pretty fat.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was very meaty and like empty. Was that it?

Was that what you say? Yeah, so she says, I have extra skin because I'm uncut.

So you have extra skin, you bitch. Yeah, that was it.
Okay.

Ankar Singh. So what ethnicity are you exactly? A temple of doom?

I'm Punjabi. We're like Northern Indian.
Okay. Yeah.
Sikhs.

Yes, Sikhs. The warriors.

I guess. Protected the Hindus from the Muslim menace.
Thank you. You recognize us.
That's what every cab driver won't shut up about. So yeah.

I've heard this story a bunch, man. Yeah.
Yes. Yeah.

Wow.

On car sing, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two years in Houston. Two years in Houston.

Unbelievable. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer.
What kind of engineer are you? Aeronautics. Okay.
What exactly do you do for aeronautics? I can't really talk about it. Ooh.

Does that mean you're going to fly a plane into a tower?

Absolutely. Little bit.
A little bit. You guys are brave.
You're the bravest ones.

On car.

You've been doing it two years, all of it in Houston. Is that where you're born and raised? Yeah.
You're born and raised in Houston.

Your father work in oil?

No, he worked at a gas station. Okay, that's close.
That's fucking close. That counts.
That is unbelievably close. How about your mom? What does she do? She doesn't really work.
She's retired.

Traditional home. Yes.
Very.

And

what do you like to do for fun on car? Typical Indian stuff? I guess I just spend my evenings doing stand-up. That's really it.
And then working throughout the day.

Yeah, and then you're getting all those dust-ups with Aladdin's monkey.

I've noticed that Indian men tend to only date Indian women. Is that true in your case? Not me, no.
I'll date anything but.

Wow, anything but. Yeah.
Absolutely unbelievable. Have you been with a black woman? I've slept with one, yes.
You've slept with one? There was a lot of oil in my bed the morning after.

Wow. Incredible.
That's not bad. It's true.

Oh, my racist point jokes.

What kind of, I mean, how do you know it was, how do you know it was her and not you?

Because I don't really secrete that much.

Secrete might have been the most racist word you could have used.

Secrete is insane, bro. Yeah.

You should have kept that part a secret.

Wow.

Absolutely unbelievable. Where did you meet this girl, this black one-night stand? Doing comedy.
Oh, okay. She's a comedian as well.
No, she wasn't, she was in the audience.

Wow, and she thought you were so funny. I guess so, yeah.
And you invited her back to your place. We did.
And is that your only time that you've been with a black woman? Yes, that was the only time.

Okay, so tell us more about it. What did you notice being with a black woman that's different than being with a white woman? Uh, they talk a lot.

Well, you shouldn't have taken her to a movie.

What was she talking about? Sorry, Ian. Just like

I don't know, a bunch of like stuff about black history, and I didn't really pay attention to much of it.

Yeah, you didn't want to hear. You're just trying to fuck.
Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Okay.
And then she showed up the next week at the same spot, and I kind of just pretended like she didn't exist. Wow.
And yeah, I never talked to her since. Wow.
You came out here so likable.

Wow.

The market price joke was great. That was a great joke.
Yeah, thank you. Yeah.

Did you use a condom with her? Yes. How long do you think you lasted during that sexual experience?

Like 12 or 13 minutes. That's a really exact number.
I like that. Very honest.
Very honest. If you could teach some of these other people how to answer questions during an interview,

that would be amazing. That is a very honest answer.
Almost like you had your own timer going or something like that.

Like a bomb, like a bomb of some kind.

On car.

What does on-car mean in your language? It's the first word in our book. It means like oneness with God and like the interrelatedness of everything.
And I think my mom kind of fucked up with that.

Yeah. Yeah.
I have it in my car.

That's on star. Ah.
Yeah, that's a different thing.

This is on car.

I was trying to set up the Nat Sherman thing that way, too, but

no one spiked the volleyball.

I thought maybe there was an actual Nat Sherman that the cigarette was named after. Who knows?

They are menthol. On car,

what are some lifelong goals that you have that you want to accomplish before you die?

I don't know. Be good at comedy, make people laugh.
Other than that,

buy a car for my mom. Oh.
For your mom? Yeah. Wow.
What kind of

car?

She has an Acura TSX. And what do you want to get her? I don't know, like a mom car.

Wow. Like a Lexus or something or SUV.
My dreams are very achievable. I keep them low.

Mom, it's me on car. I got you a mom car.
Yeah.

Allah, alla, Akbar.

Absolutely incredible.

Wow.

Well, on car.

Welcome to the show. I like your style.
Congratulations. Here's a big joke buck there.
You work on car.

On car. It's been doing it two years.

This is a very, very lucky bucket pulled for me because this is one of my favorite,

one of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world. In an absolute coincidence, this has been happening lately.

A lot of the good, rock, solid comedians here at the mothership have been signing up for the show. People that we all know and stuff like that.

Because with the show's popularity growing, this is a place to fucking get seen and

sell tickets. This guy has been opening up for me on the road lately.
An absolute fun hang. We work together throughout the week here at the mothership.

One of the first people to move here from LA, one of my favorite humans in the world. So this is a brand new minute from Asan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen.

Man, it is a scary time to fly.

You know how I know it's bad? I'm also nervous at the airport.

I am on your side.

The energy to me on an airplane has shifted dramatically in the last two months. Because when I used to walk on a plane, people looked at me like, like, what's he up to?

What's he planning? But now, when I walk on a plane, people look at me like, well, if this thing goes down and we need someone to take over, he might have the right training.

It's a scary time to fly. A military helicopter crashed into a passenger plane.
When that happened, I was like, oh, things are different.

Because when I was younger, when the American government wanted to ram an aircraft into something, they outsourced it. it.

The jobs are coming back, baby. They're coming back.

Ahsan, Ahmad.

I love it.

Ahsan, you did it again. All the jokes that I would make about you, I made it the last guy, unfortunately.

Temple of Doom, Alla Akbar. Ladies and gentlemen, a second Muslim has hit the show.
Yeah, it is.

It is. Nine minutes later, at some point, at some point, the whole stage is going to completely collapse.
And we'll never forget it.

Were you angry when On Car came on right before you? I was like, oh, hopefully I wasn't making any airport jokes.

He was Punjabi. Yes, he was a dirty Indian.
Oh.

What is the difference between you and him?

He is a Indian Hindu. I am a Bangladeshi Muslim.
He's the Hindu.

Explain the difference to the mass of white people while you guys are done having your side conversation there.

Explain the difference to everybody. No, he is Sikh, because you're right.
It's just different religions.

All right. Still trying to.
All right.

Let's go for a fourth time here. What's the difference between the two of you? Explain it to the people that are just American that don't give a fuck about the real difference but are curious to know.

It's all just like different cultural differences within like different tribes in the whole area. Like what? What's a big difference?

So, you know, we're Muslim, it's Ramadan, we're fasting and they don't do any of that. Aha.

And what do they do? It almost seems like a dig.

I actually don't really know that much. It almost seems like a dig.
Like you're saying they don't have any discipline or anything like that. Like I've noticed this with Jewish people.

Like they'll be like, well, our people fucking...

Those Jews are... No, no, no, no, no.

Are you doing that right now? Are you kind of hating on the other type of Indians?

no I'm not actually right you wouldn't want to hate against them because you're Muslim and Muslims don't hate anything

so it's eating when the sun's up

Assan

what else buddy what else is going on in this wacky world of yours

so I went to Tulsa and They had this, I went to this museum and they had an exhibit on the KKK.

And the KKK, their guidebook in 1915 was called The Kloron.

Whoa. Yeah, so I bought one.

And it came a couple days ago, so I started reading it. It's very like

kind of like Dungeons and Dragons-y.

You know, like everyone has like their own, like, oh, I'm the exalted Cyclops, I'm the Grand Dragon, and they have their own sort of rules and stuff. So it's interesting.

I'm thinking of doing an audiobook. Yeah.

Because one does not exist of it. That sounds like fun.

That is incredible. What are your...
I've met your parents before when we were on the road doing San Jose. Yes.

They're nice people.

Explain to these people what your parents are like.

Well, my parents are the most adorable people. My dad's like 4'11.
My mom's 5'1. Yeah.

Not to be confused with 7-11 or 9-11, which they're also completely responsive. 4-11 is a whole different thing.
These people love the 11s.

Yeah. Because they look look like World Trade Centers.
All right.

Yeah, but my dad is an aerospace engineer at NASA and my mom's a dentist. Your dad's an aerosmith? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Walk this way, talk this way.

Jamie's got a gun.

All right.

Little Aerosmith references. I love it, Ahsan.
You are so much fun.

I always love seeing you, man. Thank you.
Appreciate that. I love seeing you too, Sam.
There you go.

You currently have one of...

I never do this to a comedian, and you might not want to. I'm kind of putting you on this spot, but you currently have one of my favorite jokes.

Would you mind sharing it with these with these beautiful people out here? It might not work because I'm putting you on this spot, but it might destroy. I don't know.

All right. Do you guys want to see my impression of an Indian pussy?

God damn it, it worked. Who would have guessed?

That is yet another appearance by the great Asan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. Ahsan, where can they find you? You have the podcast with Derek Poston.

I have a podcast with Derek Poston called The Solid Show. Check it it out.
It's a lot of fun. And your Instagram is Asanjay Ahmad.
That is E-H-S-A-N-A-H-M-E-D.

M-A-D. M-A-D.
That's how good of friends we are. Make some noise one more time for Asan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

This has been a, this is what I would consider a perfect episode. Some compelling interviews, a couple light bombings,

some returns of some people throughout the show, some great new faces. Let's get one last bucket pull up here and then put a ribbon on this thing.

Make some noise for what has to be the Kill Tony debut, or else I would recognize the one-word name of Nino. Everybody, we're gonna meet Nino together here.
60 seconds, then an interview from Nino.

Uh-oh, the Tesla bots, AI, the future is here.

Where are my Latinos at?

Yastubo, Secavo.

No more el trabajo

jose did you get the job no they give it to the robots he's cheaper bike says hate it when they don't work dude i could just picture tesla bots selling fruit on the side of the highway like three four five try it very good very sweet

there's not gonna be homeless people no more just homeless robots All the obsolete ones. Please, sir, help my wife.
She needs a new lithium battery.

Think of the children. It's like, all right, dude, here's 10 bucks.
I'm a good person.

Cholos are going to send the robots on missions. Just like, a fool, send the robot to go pick up the sack, dog.

The cops won't check them.

All right, that's my time. Thank you.
You know, Nino, this has been a hell of an episode, I got to tell you. And I have never done this before in this show's illustrious history.

There are some people that have won what's known as the golden ticket, where you can come back anytime you want.

There's some people in the history of the show that were immediately made regulars, which means you have to write and perform a new minute every single week.

Nino, you are the first person to ever be deported immediately.

Shit.

We are shipping you to wherever the fuck, whatever language you just spoken came from. You do not get to pass go.
You do not collect $200.

We, I don't know if you know this, I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America.

Oh, and my connections are so rock solid that there's literally agents waiting for you immediately. These guys are nodding their heads because they know Yoni's giving a thumbs up right now.

It is absolutely incredible. You just lost American citizenship live on the show.
It is amazing. Let's talk about you, Nino.
How long have you been been doing stand-up?

About three years. Three years.
Where at exactly? All here in Austin. In Austin.
Wow. That is amazing to me.

What do you do for work? I deliver groceries for a living. I'm an essential worker.

Okay, sure.

All right. What do you do for fun?

Let's see, you know, hang out with the boys.

What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? You guys want to hear the craziest thing? Yeah.

I set a homeless man on fire once. Okay.
Wow. I'm going to put this little joke book down and follow up with some questions.

What do you mean you set a homeless person on fire once?

You might actually get deported. We are fulfilling the prophecy, ladies and gentlemen.
I was kidding, and now it's becoming true. All right, so I'm from the hood, from Santa Ana, California.

And Mexicans in the hood, they love 4th of July. We love it more than rednecks.

So my neighborhood was known for going crazy on 4th of July. So a lot of friends came over from high school and all that stuff.
It's about one or two o'clock in the morning.

We still have some fireworks. So I had the bright idea like, hey guys, let's go to the main boulevard and throw fireworks at cars and mess with people.

So on the way to the main street,

how old are you during this? I was probably like 15, 16 in high school. Thank God that makes sense.
Okay.

So there was this liquor store notorious for like homeless people hanging out. It was called Natty's Liquor.

So I don't know if you guys know what a piccolo peat is. So I had had some Piccolo Pete's in my pocket.
I had the bright idea to light it, and I was going to throw it at the bump to scare him.

But my throw was so good, it landed on top of him. And this guy was blacked out, plastered, and he just, the piccolo peat just went off, and he just engulfed in flames.

So then, hold out. So we rush over there.
Wait, wait, wait. It gets better.

Whoa. Hold on, hold on.

So we rush over there to put it out. He's all fucked up.
He doesn't know what's going on. He's like, uh,

whatever. So then we continue our little adventure on the boulevard.
We get hit up by some gangsters. We're throwing fireworks at them or whatever.
They have a paintball gun.

My homie, Alan, is like, hey, I'm going to go get my paintball gun. Follow me back to my house.
So we start walking back and I see the liquor store. I see a trail of smoke.

And I go, no way, that can't be the bum. Like, we literally put him out.
Dude, we run towards the liquor store. The guy's on fire again.

So we're like, fuck. So this time we try to get water, we throw water on him, put it out, and we saved him.
And I didn't go to jail. He didn't die.
So yeah.

Wow. I'm a good citizen, guy.
Don't hear me. Don't depart me.

That's not even the darkest story after that fucking Jimmy guy on mushrooms.

Well.

Nino, sign up again.

Do a better minute next time, alright? You got three years under your belt. For the love of God, dude.
speak english

there he goes niner ladies and gentlemen and with that means that there's only one thing that could end an episode like this

william is taking this episode off

yeah

i know

i know He's he needs uh

He needs some time off to prepare for the big upcoming show. But you know, we have a freak of nature here who almost never asks for a week off.

This guy has the work ethic of a true American, even though he technically is not yet one. But soon, he will be.

I guarantee it. We're gonna trade Nino's citizenship in.

Make him a Mexican again and this guy will take his place as an American. I present to you the phenom, the undeniable, the one and the only.
This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati.

Hello.

Hello.

Uh,

so I was trying to get some

pussy.

I went to a bar, didn't have the balls to do nothing.

I don't know how some guys do that. They just go to a bar and start just fucking.

It's a numbers game, you know, those guys.

I've never walked up to a girl at a bar. I always feel fucking creepy.

Isn't it creepy?

I feel creepy because

we both know

what I want.

Like every time I talk to girls at bars, I feel like America when you guys talk to the Saudis.

Like we both know.

I want to drill the shit out of you.

But we need to be diplomatic.

Thank you so much. So much fun.
Perfect.

He's done it again.

Hello.

All right.

I love your book. Oh, my God.
That's how we met, by the way, with the book. Running the Light by the great Sam Town using two L's in the middle, available everywhere.
Forward by Doug Stanhope.

No doubt about it. That's right.
Ari, I'm so happy for your success, ma'am. I'm so happy for you bringing me over to this universe.
Look at us now. Look at us now.
Sam brought you over? Yeah.

Tell me more about that. So, how we actually met this, I wanted to read.
I'm actually, I know I don't look like it, but I actually read.

You look like you read. Yeah.
You're European. I don't have glasses, though.

Well played. Yes.

I'm not a a fucking nerd.

Yeah, I read a book. No.

I read a book like this. Fuck you.
Yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Sometimes I change the cover of a book, you know.

Like I put Dostoevsky or something, but inside it's like

it's like the story of Bruce Lee or some shit, you know.

And I tried to, yeah, I wanted to get that book when it came out because I was like, oh my god, comedy, I I love it. And then there was no Amazon, I couldn't fucking get it.

And I wrote to you on an off chance that the world-famous Sam Talent will respond. And I wrote to you, like, maybe I can get a, I don't, I was just honest.

I was like, I'm in Estonia, don't worry about it.

You know, we don't have Amazon. And then you just send me a free book.
And then a couple of months later, Sam is like, hey, I'm coming to Estonia. So I set him up for a few gigs.
We had a great time.

Went to a party. I DJed only for you and for you.

Wow. I told Sam, like, the after party is going to be awesome.
It was me and him staring at each other.

Literally.

You played insane Eastern European tech, though. And you kept going, like, I got to go.
And I was like, and the security guy locked the door.

You ain't going to go.

Where do you go, Cotton Acho?

Yeah, we've been been friends ever since, man. And now you're over here and you're making hay as the sun shines upon you.
Wearing green. Yeah, by accident.
Totally.

I don't care about the Patrick. I don't care.

You had. It's crazy.
The whole six street is full of bitches with the Patrick.

Are you telling me you had no idea that it was St. Patrick's Day? You wore that.

They're gone.

There's no fucking way you ran. I swear to God, you wore that.
I swear to God. You don't believe I'm going to talk about St.
Patrick by accident. It's not even a logo on that shirt.
Yeah.

Green t-shirt. Yeah.
It's like the most St. Patrick's Day shirt I wear any day of the year.

I would literally be like, what is it? St. Patrick's Day in Estonia?

For Halloween, I wanted to be Kermit the Frog, so I just got the t-shirt that stood in our face. Oh, my.

It looks like they issued it to you at Ellis Island. Like, hey, welcome to America.
We wear this on this date. And you were like, oh, crazy man, or however.
You know?

Like, oh, oh dude that's crazy I do not like a Patrick

I don't even know what it's about what's it what's it about well I'm not wearing green because I'm a masochist

I didn't get it

I like to be pinched oh

I still think read a book

like mine running the light available March 25th

no it's fucked up man when I emailed you and asked you for a copy of the book.

To be fair, you did live in America, though.

Still a little bit easier, and I'm a better DJ also.

I have no doubt, Ian. Yeah.
You should have seen it, man. It was fucked in there.

How did it end up just being the two of you? Like, that's how I like to party.

I did. I did on one, yeah.
I do. It was more intimate.
I know Americans love when it's like, oh, just fucking.

Every time they go to a bar here, everyone's fucking up. You end your shit, dude.

It was me and you. Lovely.
One bartender, one comedian, one DJ. What a party.
Yeah.

Wow.

Sometimes when I talk, I just pause the music, we talked, and then I continue.

Whenever I did a cool dance move, you would just restart the track. Yeah.
Yeah.

It was magic, man. Yeah.

Because you go out here, music is... Am I older? Music is is too loud, you know? Everywhere I go, music is too fucking loud.
Can't talk.

I agree. I don't like a loud bar.
Yeah.

Hey, Vancouver, Washington. I'll be there more shortly.

Come on.

Well, Ari, anything else crazy we should know about before I let you go?

Well, I don't know. I've been, you know, traveling.
Oh, okay, okay. I have.
Okay. I have something stupid that happened.

I went to a hotel, okay, St. Petersburg, Florida.
See, I never knew,

I've never been to Florida. I mean, we went with you to Orlando, but it was, you know, it was what I expected.
Very.

So I expected all of Florida to be like, have you been to St. Petersburg? Of course.
So beautiful.

Nothing like the original, dude. No, no.

The original is a dump, dude.

And by accident, there was some fucking fest. Every time I go to a fucking place, there's a festival and there's no fucking rooms for the hotel.
So I got a hotel. I thought it was a deal.

I go to the hotel and I find out it's like a gay

hotel.

Oh, what's the name of this hotel?

Yeah, what's the parking like?

I walk in.

I couldn't immediately tell that it's gay but they were very happy to have me you know I'm saying

oh I bet like I'm yeah I've never had

such excitement when I walk into a hotel you know they were ready to check me in you know I'm saying

and I don't know like I didn't even know like that fucking I'm sure Estonia has a fucking gay hotel somewhere but it's like underground with a secret fucking

it's not on booking.com you know

It's one scared guy and a DJ being like, who will suck who?

Dude, when I checked in, yeah, I was crazy. They asked me, like, what kind of room you want, and I started planning.
I was like, fuck, I gotta stay here all night. So I took like third floor.

I was like, give me the back corner.

My theory was like, if I'm in the back, far away from the elevator, when the suck and fuck starts happening, you know?

When they start to fuck room to room, you know.

It's like Benny Hill. Yeah, yeah, I'm 369.
You gotta fuck 300

Maybe they're all fucked out by the time they get to me, you know

367. Yeah

And then there were two more rooms to the corner 369 and then I realized holy shit gay guys they'll never quit before they hit

369

Dude, I stayed out all night in Florida. I even went to the hotel late because I was like hoping they'll fucking fall asleep.
Yeah, gay guys don't stay up late.

Yeah, dude, I went there at 3 a.m. Prime City, dude.

Because I saw them printing one key card. Like they give me one key card, but I saw them printing seven, you know what I'm saying?

They were up to some. And then,

dude, gay shit was everywhere. So I go to my room.
There's like a picture of four chicken and I'm like, oh my god, look at this chicken. But then I realized, no, it's cock, you know?

oh my god three different types of lotion three different lotion aloe vera some natural shit and some shit from China that didn't come off you know

this is incredible no everything gay gay gay guys on the walls in the shower they're like did you get the soap like a picture I took pictures. I'll show you later.

I have the evidence. Wow.

This is absolutely incredible. Lava Lamp.

Well, that's gay as hell. I know.
It's just a big lava lamp. Even the damn lamp be gay?

Damn. Yeah.

I brought up an animal. The bed was gay.
What? The bed was gay. The bed, yeah.
I mean, I was scared.

Everything was sticky as shit. Salty, too.
What was gay about the bed?

It was like a

real queen.

It was a hard bed. Oh.
Yeah, I think. Well, you know, guys,

our knees can take a pounding, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We don't need to be soft, you know? Yep.
But I do have to say.

What?

I do have to say,

at some point I did go down to the bar where all the gay guys were hanging out. I gotta say, most wonderful time of my life.
Hell yeah. Gay guys know how to fucking party, dude.
Yep.

Because usually you go to bars, you're scared. You're gonna get your ass peat or something.
Dude, all I got was showered with compliments. Just the fucking

free drinks, a smooch. Things were wonderful.
Hell yeah. I love a smooch.

Ari, you are a fucking sensation. Thank you so much.
I love you. Everybody loves you.

And we did it again, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Shopify, Blue Chew, Nick, via Open Bone, and Tacovas.
We are going to London, England at the O2 Arena.

There's still some, actually quite a bit of tickets left for night one of Nashville. I don't think people understand that

Nashville, we added a show. There's a whole arena for sale.

Yeah, so you can go see us in an arena in Nashville, Tennessee.

And

another huge announcement coming. Probably will be out by the time you hear this.

You know, maybe we're going back to New York, maybe to a specific venue at some point. The drawing from Ryan J.

Ebelt is in, and it is absolutely incredible of Sam Talent with Ian Edwards on like a on like being beamed up. Sam Talent's an alien.

Yeah. Running the light is available in bookstores everywhere.
How about one more time for Sam Talent? Thank you.

Ian Edwards. Hey, real quick.
Australia, the UK. I'm coming down there.
UK, Australia. Come to the shows.
That's right. Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen.

Check out Ian Edwards' comic on YouTube and Instagram. I'm on tour.
I'm going to be at the Honda Center in

Anaheim.

The Maverick Center in Salt Lake City. I'm doing stand-up comedy in a couple arenas, ladies and gentlemen, which is absolutely insane for me.
I'm going to try to do really, really good.

So if you live near there, go to that.

And

some other venues everywhere. Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun Arena.

And some other places. TonyHenchcliffe.com for tickets.

Let's check in with the great artist Chris Rogers, local artist. And it's Ari Maddie as a leprechaun, a guy who literally hates St.
Patrick's Day.

Being represented, that's priceless. That's going to be for sale after the show.
Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the sunsetstripatx.com.
Love you guys.

April 7th, we make our debut on Netflix, ladies and gentlemen. Make sure you watch it.
Tell your grandparents to watch it. Your parents, your cousins, your children.

When you go to your buddy's house, put it on their Netflix. Watch it.
Sir, sit the fuck down, you creepozoid. Jesus fucking Christ.

Watch it everywhere, and then watch it again. Just leave it on in the background sometimes.
Put it on and then put it on again. That all counts.

And that's it. We love you guys so much.
Thank you. God bless America.
And God bless planet Earth. You know what I mean?

I love you guys. Good night, everybody.
Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.com for tickets.

All right, y'all, gather around because Monet Exchange from Sibling Rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini.

Now, listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children, so I'm telling you. U.S.
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