#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony hey y'all the number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again our first time since madison square garden of last year truly traveling as you probably know night two of nashville sold out but you can still get tickets for night one april fourth there is also the london oh two arena massive massive arena it's our only show in europe that is june 7th i'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas like the maverick center just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, April 18th.

Reno, Nevada, the Grand Theater.

The Honda Center in Anaheim, California.

I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do stand-up in a legendary arena like that in Anaheim, May 9th.

Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th.

Announcing this week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun.

I'm doing stand-up on July 11th.

Edmonton, Canada.

July 18th.

Vancouver, September 14th.

And if you're a wrestling fan, I will be hosting the Roast of WrestleMania Sunday night, 4:20, after night two of WrestleMania, right there in Vegas.

Huge guests, huge surprises.

Make sure you check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club on 6th Street, and of course, the Comedy Mothership shows will be going on sale soon for another big Monday release.

We love you.

God bless America.

Enjoy the show.

Hey, this is Redmit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get over Tony.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Fuck yes.

Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

And how loud can this place get for the best damn band in all the fucking land?

Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and big mic Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

A legend of the show joining us on trumpet.

The Jet Ski Jesse Johnson.

The great Matt Muelling is on the electric guitar.

John D's on the keys.

And that is indeed live in the flesh, the one and only D-Madness on the bass guitar.

Oh my

gosh.

We are going to have so much fun tonight.

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You guys ready to start start tonight's show?

Well, you're in for a treat.

Luckily, I book this show, and every single week I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on.

This week is an extra special one because we don't always get to see our dear, dear brothers from the other places, New York, Los Angeles, as much as we'd like, especially the few that we really love from New York and Los Angeles.

Ladies and gentlemen, two of my dear brothers, two of the most successful comedians out there.

One has the newest special on Netflix.

It's called Life.

Your guests tonight are Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston.

Oh

my god.

Yes.

Live in the flesh.

Make some fucking noise for Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston.

Here in Austin, Texas.

Schultze with the newest special on Netflix.

It's called Life.

Derek has a new special on Don't Tell Comedy coming April 16th.

This is very, very exciting to have you guys.

You've been on this show before.

Derek's my fucking homie from the green room here in the mothership taking over Austin, Texas.

One of the funniest people in the world.

Say hi, Derek.

That applause was for me, I'm sure.

I'm sure all of that was for your boy.

You know what I mean?

You fucking white niggas.

Let's party.

And the great and powerful Andrew Schultz.

Hello, everybody.

Back on this show.

First time back since Madison Square Garden.

That's right.

That's what type of party we're having here.

And life is good.

You guys have been on this show before.

You know what's going on.

Over 270 souls signed up for the opportunity to get picked out of this bucket.

I'm going to have this guy with pubes for a beard.

Wow, right off the fucking top.

What a simple man you are.

Just the first thing.

Ooh, that's a weird-looking name.

This will be fun.

While we go wrangle that person, and you guys know how it works, they get 60 seconds.

You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means I have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry best Hollywood bear.

While they go wrangle that person from across the street, we are going to start the show with one of our greatest regulars in the history of Kill Tony.

Is that okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, you know, now that I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America, a lot has changed.

And one of the things is, is we are scurrying around to get this man his American citizenship.

Tonight's show will begin with the stylings of the one and only Estonian assassin.

This

is Ari Matty.

Sorry, I'm a little on edge.

There's no porn in Texas.

Give me back my porn.

I'm a little on edge.

Don't look at me weird when I'm in the bush waiting now.

I gotta get my release.

I love how some of my friends are like, yeah, you can watch porn in Texas.

All you gotta do is get a VPN.

Yeah,

I'm just trying to beat my dick.

I'm not Edward Snowden.

I'm trying to get my belly button full of come.

I'm not trying to rig an election.

Dude, the first time you go to watch Pornhub in Texas and you see that fucking message come up,

It's fucking weird.

You got your lotion ready, dick card.

All of a sudden you're like elected officials

legislation

and I've read the whole message

if you scroll to the bottom of that message you actually find out that you can watch Pornhub in Texas all you gotta do is get age verification

and that means you got to send a picture to Pornhub

of your face holding your ID.

Yeah,

I'm not going to do that.

It's not like the porn I watch is illegal.

But

I definitely need to explain it.

Thank you so much.

Here it is.

Ari

Matty has done it again.

We did it.

Indeed, porn is strangely illegal here.

There's a lot of sites that work, but the big main ones don't.

And

it is very odd.

I love that.

It's a bummer, yeah.

It is.

The premise is unbelievable.

Just to let you know,

it's not exactly Edward Snowden that you have to be.

All you have to do is sign up at expressvpn.com

slash killtony, and you can get an extra four months free.

And you just have to click one button.

You just fire up the app.

And it works on all devices, phones, laptops, tablets, and more.

But yeah, I get it.

It is weird.

And you have to go to some janky porn sites.

I've been to some janky, janky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, I'm like 15 again.

I jack off the gifs on Twitter now.

Dude, all I need is three pictures.

I'm good.

Fucking

fucking dark out here.

It is.

In the dark web.

It is.

Oh, D-Madness.

Dark web.

Agreeing that all the webs are dark to D-Madness.

What do you use?

A laptop, an iPad, your phone?

What are you on now?

I'm a laptop guy, you know.

Clicking away.

Yeah, but I mean, the phone is there too, you know.

Yeah.

You do both?

You ever do both laptop and phone have a little threesome?

Holy shit, no,

but I do remember when I was younger, I would watch like UFC and porn just back to back.

I gotta tell you, it really fucked my brain up

because now I can't come without Joe Rogan yelling.

And it is all over.

Oh my god, he's hurt!

What he needs to do here is flip his leg to the other side.

You're wonderful.

You're beautiful.

You're amazing.

We got Joe on the line live.

Good friend here in Austin, Texas.

Yeah, I used to watch porn and UFC at the same time, but I just watched.

This is the point.

You need to get into guys on top of each other because I would just watch the UFC and ejaculate.

I wouldn't need the porn on at all.

Yeah.

Okay, didn't get the laugh that I thought it would.

Seemed more like a confession than a joke.

And let's just keep rolling with the show.

All right.

I guess I'm a gay f ⁇ .

Okay.

Nobody laughed.

They're just like, okay, yeah.

What's next?

Tony, are you going to ask Ari a question or something?

Like, we know.

We know, Tony.

Dude, the amount of times I get the question, are you really gay from dudes on these killers of Killtone?

It's the number one question.

Yeah.

Nobody gives a fuck about my visa everybody cares about

and by the way if you ask me whoever is gay i'm gonna say he's gay just so you know yeah it's true

i love it um so ari how has the road been what else is going on in your world i was in philadelphia this weekend you know

eagles

They are a loud people.

They are aggressive.

I was in Atlantic City, an hour away from Philly, and they're doing the fucking...

They're spelling out Eagles better than their own mayor does right there.

They did that too, just grown men.

Yep, no job, no nothing.

Yep.

I tried.

Oh, I tried to.

Um, when I went to Philadelphia, you know, I'm a big sauna guy.

There's no saunas in Austin.

I'm a big sauna guy,

and I was trying to find these Russian saunas.

Uh,

you know, in America, all the saunas, like, the number one struggle is if I can tell if it's a gay sauna, because the the gay people like own saunas here huh

yeah I do

so then I just had to go to like I found like a sauna place near the hotel but I was fucking lurking outside just to see like who walks out you know meanwhile there's some guy down the block watching you lurking at the place like oh that's definitely a gay sauna look at that dude out there fucking just waiting for dick

that is funny just a lot of guys with newspapers around the fuck it's like that it's like the meme with the guy peeking from behind the tree.

But I didn't go in.

I was scared.

Because I saw two guys come out.

At the same time?

Yeah, and they were like, like, I'm happy after Asona, but they were

just a bit too loose.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

What's the porn like in Estonia?

We have some, we have like a couple of porn movies that are pretty dark.

Like what?

What's what's what's dark in most porn comes from Ukraine.

You know, Ukraine is like number one, number one, baby.

Porn, porn, porn.

All the webcam girls, they're all Ukrainian and shit.

I didn't know that.

Romanian, too, but why do you think that is?

Why do you think Ukraine is the porn place?

It is, but why?

I'm not disagreeing with you at all.

It is, I agree.

I don't know.

I think just the chicks are hot, they're clever, you know.

Uh-huh.

Is that why?

Because they're clever, yeah, they're clever,

maybe poor, Yeah.

There's that too.

Yeah.

I want to know.

I want to look into their eyes for too long.

You know what I'm saying?

What are you into?

Because you said it needs to be explained, and I haven't stopped thinking about that.

You know, like if you would see the porn, like...

Yeah, I know.

Like, you know, when you watch porn with your girl, you're not going to put on the porn.

You actually.

Yeah.

You know.

Right.

Of course.

Right.

Yeah,

that's hilarious.

Like, she sees the first few letters, and it's just T-R-A, and you're like...

Because I've done that.

I've like...

Traveling, beautiful woman.

Now, what are you watching alone?

Alone?

Yeah.

It's nothing like...

Nah, tell us the real shit.

I need to know the real shit already.

Give us a little tip.

Depends on like what's what's do you watch any of our stuff?

Are you into the exotic?

What do you mean like black women?

Black women?

No

All black women are from America to Ari

I'm pretty

Is that the Williams sisters?

No, what about what about I'm pretty progressive like I watch like I can imagine a black guy like if I can watch black kids Wow,

I do you you're white you're right you're white I am white

watch a black guy just destroying a white girl and imagine you're the guy.

I can.

Oh, you can do that.

You can see yourself as him.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

We love big dicks.

That is.

Yeah.

So you use your imagination, because there's no black guys in Ukraine, is what you're saying.

No, but okay.

We've been sending giant missiles to Ukraine for a couple of years, maybe

war jokes.

Do you know

but like

son of a bitch?

But the classic thing is that like it gets the

the more you're scrolling the harsher it gets like the more tabs

you know

You know when the tabs there are no letters anymore just these fucking

And you're just looking for the one dude.

Then it gets pretty dark.

What is just give us one thing before we get you out of here?

What do you mean?

One crazy thing.

What do you know?

All the chicks are crying.

Perfect.

Perfect.

That's what we needed.

You know, all the chicks are like, help, help, help.

The doors are locked.

It's dark.

It's a fucking storage unit with a couch.

Dudes have sneakers on.

You know how it is.

Ari's been jerking off to the view.

You know how it

The party has begun.

Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen.

And it has begun.

This is Kill Tony live from Austin, Texas.

Brought to you by Nicked.

Nicked, N-Y-K-D.

The amazing...

Nicotine pouch.

The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, has joined the fray.

And now it begins.

Our first bucket pull of the night.

Simple.

They do a minute.

We interview them.

We don't know them.

Anything can happen.

Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night.

Jovan

Afzali.

I wanted to say Jovan,

but this guy knows.

Jovan Afzali.

Yeah, so I've noticed there's a lot of gold diggers in this city, right?

You have to be careful.

I overheard these two girls.

One of them said she would fuck any guy with a job and a boat.

So I snuck up behind her.

I was like, hey, what could I get with a canoe and an internship?

Anything?

Okay.

No, it's tough to find true love.

It is, because it's not all based off looks.

Love is blind.

You know what?

It's not nose blind.

My girlfriend smells like shit.

I put my thumb in her belly button and her butthole.

I pulled it out.

It smelled exactly the same.

What's going on?

Okay, no.

I don't actually have a girlfriend.

Sometimes I like to make up imaginary girlfriends.

Right now, I'm dating this black girl.

Her name's Double Entendra.

She's a...

She's really kind, but she makes me do weird things in the bedroom.

Like,

she'll make me do blackface and she'll do white face.

So then we're 69 and it looks like yin yang.

It's kind of like

it's kind of weird.

And she's always telling me, she's like, Joven, bring food in the bedroom, but I'm out of whipped cream.

So I'm like, okay, I have

caramelized onions and Swiss cheese.

So I'll spit on her.

I'm like, who's my little patty melt?

Four?

Okay.

All right, thanks.

Thank you.

All right.

Jovan.

Jovan.

Afzali.

What is that?

What's your ethnicity?

Afghanistan.

Yeah.

You're Afghani?

Yeah, my dad's from there.

Okay.

And your mom's white?

Yeah, she's white.

And it's Jovan.

Jovan, yeah.

Jovan.

Yeah.

Okay.

Jovan.

Okay, so the girlfriend isn't real.

Not real, one bit.

I'm guessing you don't have a canoe and an internship.

Nope, nope.

All right.

What do you do for work?

I'm a line cook.

Yep, you're wearing the pants.

That makes sense.

Yep.

I was wondering if those are legit chef's pants.

They are.

Yep, I had work.

Yep.

Okay.

And how long have you done that for?

About...

Five years in total, I think.

Okay, how long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

Four years.

Four years.

Wow, we're at?

Let's see.

Two years where back in like Albany is where I'm from, and then like, yeah, two and a half years here, I think.

Okay.

You must love it

compared to Albany, New York.

Yeah, it's quite lovely here, but the summers get to me.

I get stupid and hot.

So hot and bothered or whatever you call it.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're hot.

Yeah.

But yeah, it's a nice place.

Yeah, summers are hot.

Tony, you'd think he'd have better lines being a line cook.

He's been cooking up.

Jet ski.

Jet ski.

Okay.

Who's on your shirt?

That's Derek's mother.

Canelope Poston.

We all know her.

We love her.

It's Nina Simone.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

But when I wear it, it kind of looks like Aunt Jemima.

Wow.

All right.

Somehow, that's the most racist part of the show so far.

Very interesting.

What do you specialize in cooking?

Well, right now I just started at this Asian place, but usually I do like Italian food, yeah.

Okay, I like to mix it up.

New restaurants, new flavors.

Yeah, you never know.

All right.

What have you learned working at the Asian restaurant?

Do you have a mean Asian boss?

Well, I literally just started, like, I stagged yesterday, and I got the job, so I'll start this week.

Yeah, you're already wearing the pants.

Well, I had another interview because I need a second job.

So, yeah.

You had an interview today.

Do you show up with the pants today?

This guy's dedicated, dude.

It's just what I would love.

Imagine showing up.

And the shoe.

You got the Crocs on, don't you?

Yeah.

Oh, this guy's good.

Just in case they're like ready to throw you in there right now.

Dress for the job you want, am I right?

Absolutely.

100%.

100%.

Jovan, tell us more about you.

What do you do for fun?

I love playing chess lately, and I like to go dancing, so those kind of fill my time.

You're a dancer?

No, I'm not a dancer.

I like to to go dancing, though.

What type of dancing?

I'll just kind of wiggle.

Can we give him a little something?

Yeah, can we get a little, uh, like, what type of music do you dance to?

Country, salsa?

Don't brag about dancing and not bust the move in front of us, please.

Shake that ass, dog.

Come on.

Give him something, folks.

What kind of dancing?

Like, like...

Indian trap music's pretty cool.

Okay.

Do we have any Indian trap music?

Oh, Michael's got it.

He's been waiting for.

He's been waiting years for somebody to say Indian trap music.

Oh, they'll be like, okay.

Oh, shit.

Hey!

I'll do that for like 45 minutes and then I'll leave it.

Wow.

Nope, I like that.

Thanks.

I like that.

Joven's got it.

Hell yeah.

The Afghani assassin.

All right.

With the Indian trap music.

He's wild.

Your father, it seems like he'd be furious to see you do that.

Oh, he's 90% sure I'm gay, but what are you gonna know?

Yeah,

yeah, welcome to my world

What does he think about you doing stand-up your Afghani father?

He seems to like it.

Yeah, yeah, he's not like

Thank God, but

yeah, he's more like thank Allah

And they're up in Albany still?

Yeah, that's where they live.

They have caves there.

Yeah.

That was wrong.

That was wrong.

That was bad.

I apologize.

What type of girls are you into?

Do you find yourself being more into pumping?

I like the grumpy Asian girls would be ideal.

Grumpy Asian girls?

Grumpy girls.

This is Red Band's specialty.

Yes.

So puffy faces, like Chinese girls.

I don't know.

The face doesn't even matter to Jovin.

He doesn't care.

It's mostly about the attitude.

How do they, yeah, how do they act when they're grumpy?

What are they

just kind of not smiling a lot?

Can you do an impression of a grumpy Asian woman that you would pee into?

Just go for it.

I mean, I'm not going to stretch my eyes out, but you don't have to do that.

It's more about the voice than the attitude.

Why are you talking to me?

Go like that.

Or, um,

when it, why do you have boobs?

I don't know.

Um,

Kick me, please.

All right, this got weird.

Yeah, I don't know.

Okay.

But it was a good set.

You are the first bucket pull of the night.

Congratulations.

Here's a big joke, Bub.

And it has begun.

There goes Jovan Abzali.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

All right.

Your next bucket full, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Sammy Blumenthal.

Sammy Blumenthal.

Here she is.

Hey guys.

Hey.

This year I became a mom.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you so much.

I've been trying to breastfeed, and he's having a really hard time latching.

I just wish someone told me that would happen before I got the dog.

I have a German shepherd, which is really empowering as a Jewish woman.

I named him after my late great grandfather, 017694.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love my dog.

He just is really particular, like, especially when we go outside.

He takes so long.

I'm like,

come on, is this your spot?

Is this your spot?

Poop for me.

Is this your spot?

Is this your spot?

Now I know how my ex felt every time he tried to make me calm, you know?

Might take a long time.

But now I get it, though.

I get it.

I understand his perspective.

So now when I try to get him to go quicker, I just go, shh, take your toy.

Close your eyes.

And pretend I'm literally anyone else.

And he poops

immediately.

There it is, Sammy Blumenthal.

Welcome, welcome.

Sammy, is this your first time on the show?

My second time.

Nice.

Yeah.

Welcome back.

How long have you been on stand-up?

A little over a year now.

A little over a year.

When was the last time you were on?

Last December, and then it aired.

It was like six weeks, and then it aired in January.

Six weeks?

Yeah, five or something.

There was like two recordings on a Monday and two recordings on a Tuesday, so it just took a while for it to come out.

Yeah, that has nothing to do with the question that I'm going to do.

I'm sorry.

So December was when you were on the show.

Yep, there we go.

December.

Took a long time for it to come out.

Takes a long time, you know what I mean?

Are Jewish.

That confirms it right there.

I did the show, but then it took like four weeks.

You must have taken your first vacation in absolute years or something.

Wow.

Thank you, Sammy, for pointing that out for no reason.

Took fucking two weeks in a row off.

I got this Jew calling me out on it.

Jesus fucking Christ.

All right.

So, Sammy, that was fun.

You've been doing stand-up for a year.

What do you do for a living?

I am a dietitian, but I took a year off.

I was teaching preschool for a year, and I just had my last day on Friday.

What made you do that?

Being a dietician got hard when Ozempic came out?

Exactly.

Really?

Yeah, no, it is hard because I definitely focus on, rather than weight loss, which is like a common thing that people ask me about, I focus on our relationship with food and like building and healing our relationship with food and body.

So like...

Let me introduce you to my friend Red Band here.

There we go.

Let's talk about it, Brian.

Why don't I take a picture of this thing?

Let's talk about your relationship with food.

Yeah.

Okay.

How would you do this?

Let's say this guy comes in looking gray slash green.

50.

Right?

What would you say to him?

Yeah, so we did do this last time.

Oh, we did?

Wow.

All right.

Sorry.

I'm a simple man.

Okay.

Have you ever saved somebody's life?

Like, what's your greatest accomplishment from that job?

Oh my god, from

how much weight.

Yeah, how much weight does someone lose?

So that's the thing.

I don't focus on weight.

That's what I'm trying to say.

That seems like you don't do your job.

Okay.

That's why I took a year off.

I couldn't help people lose weight.

I don't know.

But my greatest accomplishment, I think, is like my favorite thing is like when a woman goes to the store and feels confident just like picking out a size.

And it's not that like, it's like clothes, our body is not meant to fit clothes.

Like, our clothes are meant to fit our body,

Derek.

Derek, now is time for you to speak up.

I'm still stuck, like, yo, you let your dog suck your nipples, bro.

Nasty, dude.

I haven't moved from that.

You nasty.

That's nasty.

She's trying to make all the white women thin.

Attack her immediately.

We're finding out what kind of porn Ari's actually into.

I have a lot of explaining to do a German Shepherd on Jew girl Titsa.

Oh,

I like that joke about the number.

Thank you.

That was really good.

That was really good.

That was a good one.

Thank you.

His name is Topher.

This is him.

I got a tattoo of him.

Oh, wow.

I wanted to get it before he died so I could show him.

You know, like, I just felt like it would be sad to get it afterwards.

Like, he sees it all the time.

I don't think he knows what he's looking at, but but okay.

All right, let's talk about your relationship with your dog.

Yes, please.

I love my dogs.

I love him.

People think that I love him too much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder why.

Why do they think that?

Like, is there anything?

Um, you know, I take him everywhere.

He comes with me everywhere.

That makes sense.

Redpan on fire today.

Does he ever get Does he ever get a little red rocket?

Oh my god.

No.

No.

It's not little.

It is the biggest stick I've ever seen.

Hit it again.

Jeez.

It is so big.

Oh, my God.

Does it look like that mic?

No.

If this mic was purple.

Oh, it's dark.

You got a black dog?

That's incredible.

You're having some real rough sex.

Woof.

Yeah.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah.

So what happens when the dog gets hard?

So So the dog has balls still?

No, that I'm so confused.

He gets hard without testicles.

Yes.

Around you?

Sorry.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

James.

But he does.

He continues to get hard without balls.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Is there something that happens?

Is there something that you do?

Is it when you're cooking?

Is it when you work?

I mean, he loves when I use a shower in the oven.

You know what I mean?

Okay, let's stick with the real.

When does he get hard?

We want to know when the dog gets hard.

We are genuinely concerned.

It It just, it happens when I come home.

He gets like really excited when I come home.

Do you spit on it?

That was Redban.

All lawsuits go to Barion Redban for that one.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

So gross.

Do you spit on it?

All right.

So, Sammy, what's your love life actually like?

You seem like a likable, pretty girl, but

you seem like a cat lady that has a dog.

Really?

I'm like severely allergic to cats.

No, but that's not what he was saying.

Yeah, exactly.

The observation he made was poignant.

It was

meaning you have this like really intense attachment to an animal, but it might be difficult for you to have that attachment to human beings.

Exactly.

Yeah.

How did you know?

Well, you were talking to us for about seven minutes.

Yeah.

You told us the exact color of your dog's cock.

So

we're like, there might be an issue here.

So

Tony's pretty good at this.

He can get to the bottom of things.

Yeah.

The question, what's my relation?

What are my relationships?

Yeah.

I think you have trouble.

That's just being evil.

When was the last boyfriend?

Well, here's the thing.

I think.

We don't need to do it.

That's fine.

It seems long.

No, it's not long.

I'll summarize it.

I think I'm a little gayer than I realize.

Oh.

She does.

Support.

Wow, that was very loud.

Red Band's very excited about this.

Thought twist, you do like cats.

Let's go.

Tell us more about this might be gayer than you thought thing.

How does this happen?

I like this.

Yeah, so I remember being in like fifth grade, and I was looking at the clock in whatever class I was in, and I just asked myself, like, do I like girls?

I don't know.

It was just like the first thought in my head.

What made you the clock?

What is the clock after?

I don't know.

That's just what I remember.

I was looking at when I was, like, asking myself that.

I feel really vulnerable, and my body feels uncomfortable right now as I'm talking about this, but that's okay.

But then, every relationship I've been with and been in with a man, in the back of my head, it's like,

I don't know what a relationship with a woman is like.

I do not know.

Have you ever gone on a date with a girl?

I have.

Have you ever hooked up with a girl?

um i have do you have video of it red band red band you are misbehaving tonight you're out of control this is a professional show almost there red band this is a professional almost there

she was gonna tell us all about it we respect women and we don't do that okay take us do you have video of it um all right i'm kidding so no so the first time i

went down on a lady i oh you looked at you you've you've had intercourse with a woman.

What does that look like, though?

I still don't know what that looks like.

You'll have to

like, what does it look like when you go down on the girl?

I threw up, so I don't know.

No, no, you didn't.

You're making a joke.

I swear to God.

You went down on a girl and you threw up?

Yes.

Oh, this is epic.

Yes.

So this is unbelievable.

Yeah.

I'm one of the greatest interviewers in podcast history.

How did we get here?

Yes.

Did we get here?

Yeah,

I did do that.

What made you throw up?

How old was it?

What was the stop?

So the reason.

Take us step by step throughout the night.

Did you go to a movie?

Did you have dinner?

What happened here?

We were just hanging out at her apartment.

Okay.

And the

friend?

Yeah, I knew her since I was 12 years old.

Perfect.

Yeah.

And you're hanging out at the apartment.

What are you guys doing?

What are you doing?

How old was she when you were 12?

Also 12.

Okay, good.

Like we were both 12.

Just making sure.

But this didn't happen when we were 12.

Of course.

That would be gross.

Right.

No, but you guys are grown up.

You're hanging out.

It's just the two of you.

You're in her place doing girly things.

What are you guys doing?

Like the dishes?

Terrible.

Oh, my God.

Terrible.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

You don't have to apologize.

It's okay.

No, we were just like hanging out and talking.

And it was like, oh, this feels like, this feels safe.

Like, feeling safe during sex is an important thing.

So if you learned anything here today, make sure you feel safe

during sex.

And then, keep going.

And then, yeah.

So

we were kissing and it felt nice.

And then I was like, oh, can I go down on you?

And then...

You went straight to that?

Did you really feel in her boobs and stuff?

I was touching her.

You got to feel

straight from the floor you go.

Like, yeah, kissing like this.

Can I go down on you?

Okay.

Hold on.

Yeah, no, I.

Yeah, you have to go around the bases.

You can't cut from first to third across the pitcher's mound.

Retard little leaf.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Okay, okay.

So you go, you ask her, you ask her, you go, can I go down on you?

And she goes, yes, please.

These are jokes.

These are jokes.

We're not going to talk about her disabled friend like that.

You've known him since she's 12.

Yes, tell us the real.

So this is real, like, this is really what happened.

Tell us what's real.

We love it.

So at the time, at the time, this is...

Okay, so

I was in a relationship with a guy during the time and we said, no, stop.

And he said,

we decided to be like in an open relationship, okay?

And so I felt uncomfortable doing it because I didn't tell him where I'd be before.

But I was on the show last time and I told you a story that I got home and I saw videos of my ex

while wearing my clothes.

That's right.

I was trying to out gay him?

I was just trying to out gay him.

But that's like context to the story that like.

Hold on, that's the craziest revenge I've ever heard of in my entire life.

This is true.

You're gay.

I'll show you fucking gay.

Yeah.

I now remember your appearance on this show.

Yes, yes.

You had a boyfriend that you found.

Remind us, it was a video?

Multiple.

Right.

Yeah.

you're getting a guitar change yeah yeah d madness has to go famous homophobe de madness he gets too gay

de madness takes a break we found out what porn he's into

so you found out your boyfriend's gay even though you're in an open relationship you say no way and then you're hanging out with your girlfriend well

my friend He's a girl.

Right.

And girl things.

And then, no, but I think I threw up because I felt...

felt like

slow it down.

Before the vomit.

Before the vomit, because we want to paint a picture here a little bit.

Are you on a couch, a bed?

Bed.

And you guys are both naked or she just took her pants off?

What's going on?

We are both naked.

But naked.

And she hasn't done anything to you.

No.

And you go between her legs.

How long do you think you're there about?

How long do you lie?

I'd say like three minutes and then I vomited.

Oh my goodness.

And you're like, you go straight, so three minutes of just straight licking, kind of?

No.

Talking, checking in.

Oh,

that's such lesbian bullshit.

You get all the way down there, and you're like, tell me again about your day.

Looking from fucking above her belly button.

Hold on.

So you checked in.

What is that like?

How does this feel?

Ooh, wow.

How's it going?

All the shit the ladies love.

Yeah, so you wanted the feedback, you wanted to know you were doing a good job.

I need feedback.

If you're if you are silent while we were being while we are being intimate, like I can't, like, I will leave.

Like, I need to know what is going on.

I need communication.

What about sounds, though?

Like,

you know, positive sounds.

Like, you don't have to talk.

Red Man's only heard people have sex before.

Well, like, the reason we...

We actually do have

a sound of Red Band having sex.

I'm just kidding.

That's after Tom Segura broke his arm.

He made this.

So play it one more time.

It's not sex.

Tom Segura broke his arm playing basketball.

Okay, back to it.

So you're down there, you're talking, you're asking questions while swiping your tongue randomly and then checking back in again.

She's not making any sounds at all.

I don't.

I just, yes, we're talking.

Like we're having a conversation.

Is she making like sounds of pleasure?

Like,

yeah.

Is that a sound of pleasure to you?

Yeah.

Sometimes, but then I need you to elaborate.

What?

I need you to elaborate.

Like, if, because the thing is, is when I've been in like a sexual experience and I'm making sounds, sometimes it's like performative.

You know what I mean?

It's like, and I'm also a woman and I've been, I mean, yeah, I've been, yes, I'm a woman.

So you got in your head.

You got in your head a little bit.

Yes, because I know what it's like to be a woman.

And when a man's down there, it's just like, mm-mm, and like, I'm hating it, and I'm not, like, speaking up for myself.

You know what I mean?

Clap for that.

No, no, no, no.

Don't do the, don't do that.

Hold on.

Okay, so let's keep going.

Let's keep going.

You can't tell them to do something.

So sorry.

They're going to turn on you.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

So let's get to the vomit part.

What happens?

Okay, so I'm down there and I think I just started thinking about my situation, my like relationship situation and like how uncomfortable that I was in that situation and how I feel uncomfortable in this situation so what ended up happening is that I just threw up did you throw up in between her legs no I did get up and go to the bathroom

did you check in with her on how she felt after that

because that must have destroyed her

You went down on her for three minutes and then you projectile vomited into a bathroom.

Do you think she could hear you vomiting?

Oh, she knew.

She was asking, like, she was checking in on how I was feeling.

Oh, my God.

But I did feel bad because that was her first experience.

And, like, I don't

know.

And her last.

And her last.

Yeah.

Time to go back to school, I guess.

Redband, you are really.

That makes no sense.

No wonder you fuck dogs now.

You traumatized, bro.

Traumatized.

Yeah,

that's a tough one to rebound from for her, not for you, for her.

Yeah.

Like, imagine what she's going through the next guy or girl that she hooks up with.

Yeah, it's like very rarely is there a case of bulimia after that kind of eating out.

Yeah.

What's her Instagram?

Not doing that.

You have an eating out disorder.

That's funny.

Could you put it into my phone so I just see what the Instagram is?

I just need to see what this girl looks like.

Yeah.

Oh, I like this.

Can you put it into Derek's phone, actually?

I have a wife and kid, man.

You can't be looking at these garbage pussy bitches.

Like, this is grace.

This is insanity.

Yeah.

Red Band already follows her.

How exciting.

She's beautiful.

Like, she's lovely.

Just hold her profile picture.

Hold on.

All right.

No, stop it.

Oh, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Yes, she's gorgeous.

She's stunning.

What does she do?

She works in sales.

Okay.

All right.

Well, Sammy, what size joke book did you get last?

I did get a big one.

There you go.

Yeah, thank you so much.

There she goes.

Sammy Blumenthal.

How fun.

Long interview.

Very fun.

Oh, no.

All right.

Let's keep it moving along.

We're having fun here.

There goes Sammy Blumenthal.

And on to the next one we go.

Will Hunsinger.

Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody.

Come on, guys.

Make some noise for Will.

Happy, happy Black History Month, everybody.

We made it through it.

It got me thinking about all the different color barriers that have been crossed, Jackie Robinson, all these great people.

I was thinking, I wish there were more black serial killers.

I think it would be kind of fun, you know?

Because to be honest with you right now, how fun would Science of the Lambs have been if that guy was like, put the cocoa butter in the basket?

That would have been pretty good.

The cops are trying to figure it out.

Like, there's a bunch of thick white women going missing.

I wonder who it could be.

All right, I see scared white faces in here.

I don't like that at all.

You guys all looked at the band to see if you could laugh.

I don't like that.

All right.

I'll give you this olive branch at least.

You know, if he was eating those girls, at least they'd be properly seasoned.

That's fair.

So, listen to me.

Jeffrey Dahlmer, that dude was from Wisconsin.

That food was bland as fuck, okay?

But Jayvon Dahmer,

invite me to the cookout.

All right, I'll eat a white bitch's foot if you put it with cornbread.

That's soul food, you guys.

That's soul food.

All right, that's my time.

Will Hun Singer.

Everybody, welcome, Will.

This is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah, yeah, welcome, welcome.

How long have you been with stand-up?

Five years.

Five years?

Yes, sir.

Love it.

Where at?

I just moved here from Las Vegas.

Las Vegas?

That's where you're originally from?

I grew up in Ohio, actually.

What part of Ohio?

Menor, by Cleveland.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

D-Madness is back, everybody.

Oh, there we go.

Okay.

And what do you do for work, Will?

I work for the guy.

I'm an aerospace engineer.

Wow.

Don't move for that shit.

Don't do that.

What exactly do you do as an aerospace engineer?

Well, I work for the guy.

Can I not talk about that particularly?

Because I just work for the guy.

You don't have to say who you work for.

You're the one that chose to say that.

Now we want to know what the fuck you're up to.

No, but it's just like, I don't want to lose my shit.

No, no, no, no, no.

You decided to come on the show.

Nothing.

I used to work for a company that made jet engines.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I was an operations manager, and then I worked for a company that made titanium for jet engines.

And then we did engine overhaul and a bunch of shit like that.

And then you stopped doing that and sued Blake Lively.

Stupid.

You fucking idiot.

Will Hun Singer.

He's innocent, Bob.

That motherfucker's handsome.

He didn't do it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

He didn't do it.

That's not a roast.

It's a comrade.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, you're a good listener.

Thank you, man.

Appreciate it.

You too.

Will, let me just cut to the chase here.

We just had a girl on here who went down on a girl once and vomited.

Do you have anything in your life that interesting that's ever happened?

Anything like that?

I haven't fucked any animals at all.

No, nobody said that.

Nothing that bad.

No.

Nobody said that.

We all danced around it for a while.

There was a lot of dog fucking, a lot of vomiting.

No, I don't think I've had anybody.

I've had a woman bite my penis, and

that was tough.

That was tough.

She was an older lady.

How old?

Like 44, I think.

Wow.

How old were you at the time?

24.

Wow.

Yeah.

It was tough because she scraped it and then it made it hard to stay hard, you know.

And then you put the condom on, and that stings, and then you put it in.

And then it's like,

it's hard to stay hard when your dick's scraped.

You know what I mean?

And then a 44-year-old woman, if your dick goes soft, she just calls you a f.

So like, yeah, that's kind of what you're stuck with.

They get insulted.

They don't be like, hey, you've hurt me.

And they're like, I don't give a shit.

You're gay.

Like, that's...

Yeah, so, yeah, that was a tough one.

But yeah, nothing that awful.

I haven't had to throw up before.

I mean, that sounds terrifying.

But

have you thrown up on a woman before?

No, no, no.

So what do you do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies or anything like that?

I train jiu-jitsu.

I do that.

I play a little guitar here and there.

Nothing too crazy.

You play guitar?

Not as well as some of the people who have been on here.

Do not do that.

Of course, they're professional musicians.

How often do you play guitar?

Oh, just a few times a week here and there.

How many years have you played guitar for?

Oh, like two or three.

Nothing crazy.

Yeah, just

for fun.

Just doing that.

But jiu-jitsu, I've been doing that for like five, six years.

I trained a lot in Vegas.

I got to train with a lot of professional MMA guys and stuff.

It was pretty cool.

Got to train like a UFCPI and all that.

So that was kind of tight.

But you don't fight?

No, no, I'll get brain damage.

I don't want that.

I'm good.

I got the engineering gig.

I don't get it.

I'm not sure I'm an engineer.

Yeah, yeah.

But no, yeah, just training that.

And then, like, I trained with like Sean Strickland.

That was pretty cool.

Craziest thing you saw while living in Las Vegas all those years.

Fucking shit, man.

Man, I've seen people get hit by cars, seen people lose their entire livelihoods.

I don't know.

Vegas was a weird town.

It was a weird place to live.

It was a shell shock going from Ohio because it's just everything everywhere all the time.

Just people losing their goddamn minds every day.

You're not supposed to live there.

That's not a place you're supposed to live.

That city's full of pieces of shit.

It is.

It's just full of scum.

All the scum of the country just washes in there you were there you were part of it yeah yeah

yeah i got shit yeah living with it it was it was fucking wild dude you just you see everybody getting over divorces together and it's sad it's fucking rough it's just dudes on trt and omnia just fucking just trying to get 20 year old pussy and it's it's a fucking war zone but yeah i don't know i i yeah i i craziest fun fact about your whole life will maybe it's about your family maybe it's something that's happened to you anything i had a bad mushroom trip that was pretty scary i uh i lost my mind and thought my friends were trying to kill me and i punched my best friend in the face whoa yeah that was bad

yeah i was in uh sedona arizona and i was supposed to be like the spirit guide for my buddies you were supposed to be the spirit guide yes wait what who the made you the spirit guy i did a lot of drugs in college and we got drug tested all the way through for engineering so i could never smoke weed or anything so i just did acid all the time it was the first time i ever got high so that was cool like i got like i did acid a fuckload and then I was like, cool, we're all going to do mushrooms out in Sedona.

That'll be a fun time.

And then my buddy sold me this, like, they're called albino penis envy.

They're like the strongest mushrooms known to man.

And then I lost my fucking mind.

And then

I was just in there and I thought all my friends were trying to kill me.

So I got all defensive.

And then I squared up and just rocked my buddy.

And then three people tackled me.

And then they

got away from them.

I ran.

They tore my shirt off me.

This is like two o'clock in the afternoon.

And then

just in a suburban neighborhood, ran down the street, running for my life, fell into a cactus, bleeding everywhere.

And then I was on that level of high where you think like the whole thing's a video game and you have to get out and you have to go to another fucking level.

So then I went to a house and I went to open a stranger's house.

Oh, God.

And I was probably like as close as you are to me to the doorway.

And then my friends were like, yo.

And I turned around, like, we got to go home.

And I was like, oh, shit.

And then they corralled me back home and I lost my mind for 12 more hours on the couch.

12 hours?

Yes.

It was bad.

I dissociated for probably like three months after that.

And the buddy that you punched, he was on mushrooms too, right?

Yes.

He, from his perspective, I walked downstairs like the Terminator and then just squared up and fucking rocked him.

Imagine that.

Imagine you see your spirit guide coming down the stairs.

You're tripping your balls off and you're like, oh, oh, he's back.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Yeah, we rocked him pretty good.

The training's been paying off.

It worked good.

But yeah, and then yeah, I watched that.

You guys seen like Everywhere, Everything, All Once Whatever, that movie that shit like helped me get out of the loop that I was in because I'd have those moments where I was just like none of this is real It's all a projection and then I'm having it right now.

It's weird, but uh it was

Yeah, and that movie like checked me back out of it and that was good I've been chill since but I've not touched any psychedelics since that shit for safety purposes but

Perfect

Perfect

Well, Will, thanks for signing up.

Fun times.

On to the next one we go.

Here's a little joke book to.

Oh my goodness.

Wow.

This guy's a

jujitsu.

He catches like a jiu-jitsu guy.

Good night, itchy eyes.

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What's going on over there?

Michael, what's happening?

What is going on together, dude?

What's happening?

Let me just tell you, Michael, you have no idea how replaceable you are.

Wait a second.

Oh my god.

A legend of the game.

Who would have guessed?

Joel Bird Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen, the original Kill Tony drummer is visiting.

Switch it up.

There they go.

From one, this is it.

Mexicans taking Mexicans' jobs.

Make some noise for Joel Berg Joel Jimenez, everybody.

A lot of you probably are newer fans.

Bandwagon fans.

Joel has traveled the world as a kill Tony drummer.

Somebody call ice on this motherfucker.

When Joel Berg says a funny, everybody chants Joel Berg.

You guys get it?

Go Joel Berg.

You'll get it.

He's very funny.

How about one more time for Joel Berg Joel Jimenez?

With Jetsky Jesse Johnson.

It's all J's.

That's six J's.

Jetsky Jesse Johnson and Joelberg Joel Jimenez.

That's crazy.

I've never noticed that before.

What?

I don't know what you're saying.

Oh my god.

Sometimes I wish we had another camera and mic so that you guys could see the retarded show that I deal with listening to Red Band say things next to me.

Look at those jugs.

What's wrong with you?

This guy's out of control tonight.

Why would you say that?

All right.

Indeed.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Brian Smith, everybody.

Make some noise for Brian Smith.

Keep it going for the best band in the entire fucking world, guys.

Oh, man.

So I don't do a lot of race jokes,

but when I do, I want to make sure a certain percentage of the audience laughs.

I call it the three-fifths compromise.

A lot of people read history here.

So, I

like, I still like Michael Jackson's music.

I try to separate the monster from the artist.

Had a little fun thought experiment the other day.

What if the only part of Michael Jackson's body he didn't bleach was his asshole?

Do you think that's how he got the kids in the van?

It's like, oh, I got a little Hershey's kiss back here.

Come on.

Could you imagine being seven years old?

You're at Neverland Ranch, meeting your hero.

You've been playing Gallagher all day.

And then Michael Jackson's like, come on back.

I want to show you something.

He bends over at the waist and spreads his ass cheeks.

And it's like, white guy, white guy, white guy, Luther Van Dross.

White guy, white guy, white guy.

My name is Brian Smith.

Thank you so much.

Oh my god.

Holy shit.

Thank you.

What the fuck?

That was crazy, dude.

That was

fucking absolutely nuts.

Thank you, I think.

Oh, God.

Brian.

In my defense, I'm real out of shape and had to run across the street, which is the most running I've ever done.

You had to run?

Yeah.

I don't think you had to run.

I don't think

they make it so that you have to sprint?

Right.

Right.

No, definitely not.

I had to lightly jog.

But who told you that?

Dusty.

Somebody told you to lightly jog?

Yeah, he was just moving very quickly, and I had to do that to keep up.

He was walking.

Yeah.

It took a while to get there, but we found out he walked here, ladies and gentlemen.

Just making sure we would never make somebody lightly jog, especially somebody that already looks like they've been boiled today.

Yeah.

Fucking guy.

I've never met a rotisserie human before.

This is absolutely unbelievable.

I mean, what is that?

What's up with you?

Probably high blood pressure and a lot of drinking, Tony.

Okay.

Thank you.

That's a special kind of pink.

Yeah.

Some people refer to me as red sometimes, but that is that's a special color.

I'm never that color.

Yeah, it turns out it gets worse the older you get.

How old are you?

38.

The youngest person on the stage, everybody,

is the guy that looks like our grandmother.

Holy shit.

This is fucking wild.

38 years old.

38.

What the fuck have you been?

What happened to you?

39.

Joel, you're 39?

30.

Look at that.

Joel looks 20 years younger than me.

I wasn't blessed enough to be born with melanin, so I'm just hideously drunk all the time.

Okay.

So, hold on.

What do you...

Fuck.

Okay.

Joel, you look like you've been hanging upside down for three days.

I don't think there's any blood in the rest of his body.

It is true.

Probably isn't, honestly.

This is incredible.

Thank you.

Do you ever exercise?

No.

That's why you thought.

That's not entirely true.

That's why you thought walking fast was jogging?

Yeah.

Right.

What kind of exercise have you?

Every now and again I get really, really baked and do yard karate.

You look baked.

Bryant Smith.

Thank you.

Can we see some of your yard karate?

I'm obsessed with this idea.

Put the mic in the mic, Stan.

I know you've got a lot of exercise in already today.

I did.

And here it is.

Give me some karate music.

It's fucking anything.

Yep, there you go.

That's really?

That's your...

That's your...

Yeah.

One of the horn players kinds of gets it.

Okay.

All right.

That's enough.

And the slow romantic fucking music, guys.

Can I get some karate?

Anyone got a fucking, like,

What's the thing you take if you have an inhaler?

Very good.

Thank you.

brian stick with me here what do you

what do you do for work i got fired on wednesday

okay you do look like you've been on a on fire right okay what did you get fired from uh i got fired from t-mobile

What did you do to get fired from T-Mobile exactly?

So one of my coworkers and I had this game we like to play called Get AIDS.

And so we would take a post-it note that said get AIDS on it and hide it around our store and our boss found it and I got blamed.

Why did you get blamed?

Because I told my boss to get AIDS like earlier that week.

What do you mean you told your boss to get AIDS?

I disagreed with the decision she made and I told her to get AIDS.

What was the decision that she made exactly?

I want to know the behind the scenes where I believe it or not, I'm a T-Mobile guy.

I like T-Mobile.

I stand by T-Mobile.

They use everybody's satellites.

You get free Wi-Fi on flights.

Believe it or not.

Yeah.

T-Mobile.

I am loyal to the soil.

No, I love the company, but no, she was trying to get us to do like a stupid report at the end of every day, and it was stupid and for no reason.

So I told her to get AIDS.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you think you got a little hot-headed?

Just keep three

tonight.

So,

what are you going to do?

Do you have money saved up?

Yeah, I've got a little nest egg.

My rent's paid up through April.

And

how much is in the nest egg?

I'm always...

After drinking at poor choices tonight, a lot less, but

it's like $1,400.

$1,400 in the nest egg.

Yeah.

It's funny you have a nest egg because you have fucking chicken skin, dude.

God damn.

Yeah, who laid that egg?

A red robin?

Oh my

God.

We are back.

Joel Berg and Jetsky passing the ball back and forth.

Shades of 2016, 17, 18, 19.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Oh, thank you, Brian.

You're welcome.

Tell us something crazy about your life.

You are an odd bird indeed.

True.

I can't imagine.

So I went through a breakup last month that was pretty bad.

Oh, I bet you.

You did.

Let's talk about that.

And believe it or not, I did the breaking up.

I think you mean breaking out.

Okay.

God damn.

You do have a little bit of, what would we call that?

What do we call that?

Adult acne?

Adult acne, yeah.

Okay, so you've always had it.

I can't afford a fucking doctor.

Right.

No, I've had it for, it's been like 10 years.

It's been bad.

Okay.

Is there something that you do?

Do you dip your face in a deep fryer or something?

We're trying to, there's got to be some type of habit that happens.

Scared of soap?

We all drink quite a bit.

We all have fun.

I'm pretty sure mine is, I used to work like outdoors and I thought sunscreen was gay.

Right.

Right.

And that'll do it every time white people.

So again.

Okay.

All right.

So let's go back to this break.

All right.

Yeah.

So how long were you with this girl for?

We were together about nine, ten months.

Okay.

Pretty long relationship.

Did she look like you?

I feel like she looked like you.

Kind of, yeah, actually.

Glasses a little bit.

Glasses a little bit big.

Oh, yeah.

Yep, perfect.

Yeah.

Bigger than me.

Okay, there you go.

I like him large.

Okay.

But yeah,

we

got in a huge fight.

Hold on, Andrew.

Yeah, once I know what's on Andrew's list.

What do you mean you like him large?

I like him.

Fucking 5'62.50.

Let's go.

Okay, I got it, got it, got it, got it.

5'6, 250.

Red Band has entered the chat.

This is incredible.

Yo necessito una torta.

Wow, okay.

I love the confidence.

I love how you think it's like your decision.

Yeah.

You think this is all by your design.

A great man once said, you eat what you could hunt.

And I need him to be slow.

You saw me run over here earlier.

Okay, so let's talk about the breakup.

Yeah,

where does it happen at?

Are you at a restaurant?

It was via text.

Oh,

T-Mobile.

Yeah.

Okay.

Putting my service to the most test.

Did you leave her on red?

Unbelievable.

Put those jet skis in the air, ladies and gentlemen.

She is on fire.

Oh

my God.

Holy shit.

Jet ski

Johnson on tour.

Jesus Christ.

JetskyJohnson.com.

Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle.

Okay.

Back to the breakup.

Back to the breakup.

Okay.

So yeah, we got in a huge fight.

What was the fight about?

Let me guess.

You told her to get AIDS.

Yeah.

No, what was the fight about uh the fight was about we uh had like had a disagreement about some money and then she expected me to read her mind and then started acting like a teenager so i was like no i'm cutting it loose like she started like being like vague booking about it and shit and i was like now we're done okay how much money were you guys arguing over like 40 bucks

10 months of your life yeah a woman that really liked you and you're willing to burn it all down to the ground.

I could do better.

All right.

I love that you think that.

I know.

Okay.

But

she also, like, during that time, she was bipolar and went off her meds at the same time.

Said the most heinous thing I've ever had anyone tell me to.

I've been trying to sign up for the show a lot, been here twice.

She said, You're not funny enough to make it, but you are ugly enough to make it on Kill Tony, so good luck.

Oh, an honest woman.

Yeah.

You're right.

I should call her.

I should call her.

Okay.

All right.

Well, was that it?

Just the breakup?

Yeah, the breakup, the losing my job, the very heavy bender I've been on since Wednesday.

When you say heavy bender, before I let you go, when you say heavy bender,

paint the picture for us.

What's a heavy bender to you?

A A 30.

I start drinking at like 11 in the morning.

Oh my God, what do you start with?

Miller Light usually or Lone Star.

Okay.

How many of those do you go through?

Do you switch to liquor at some point?

Yeah, around 1

p.m.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

And you were drinking while working at T-Mobile, obviously?

No, I don't drink at work.

Oh, wow.

Except for this job.

Except for doing comedy.

But no, I don't drink at work.

But yeah, I would get off of work at like three, four in the afternoon, come home,

and a little shot.

A little shot.

So how many drinks total?

Let's say on an off day, like you are now, you're saying that you're on a bender.

So how many drinks per day do you think we're going through now?

I think I've had 15 today so far.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

This is incredible.

We are.

We are witnessing a slow suicide.

This is amazing.

Are you happy right now?

Do you feel is this the most exciting thing that's happened to you?

Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it.

Thank you guys so much.

Yes, you should have heard them before you came out.

They were quiet all night, just absolutely silent.

No, very fun.

I'll tell you what, Brian.

Normally, a guy like you would leave here with a little joke book.

But you know what I'm going to do?

Not only am I going to give you a big joke book, because if you're going to write a suicide note, you got to do it right.

But I'm also going to give you a delicious can of Nicked Spearmint nicotine pouches.

It could help you get off the bender that you're on, perhaps.

Nicotine has a lot of amazing qualities.

There he goes, Brian.

Thank you so much.

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All right, let's have some fun.

We're going to reset the room, ladies and gentlemen, with one of the best regulars in the show's history.

A goddamn anomaly makes some fucking noise for one of your favorite comedians.

This is Cam Patterson.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I think we as a people should research cucks.

We need to look into them a little more.

That's weird to me.

I think about it a lot.

I have a theory on why people do cuck shit.

I have an idea in my mind.

I think it start like real young, like somebody like seven years old.

It's like a thunderstorm outside.

And you don't sleep at your mom's room no more but you scared you scared so you gotta go in your mom's room because it's thunderstorm outside you take your little teddy bear and your little blanket and you walk into your mom room and she end up just getting donkey

like i mean just head on foot just she getting just just demolished in your face at your seven seven she's getting fucked like hard like hard as man and you go look who is this man Why is she doing this?

And why is my dick hard?

And

that's how it gets started, right?

And I really think it's usually just white people.

That's y'all shit, really.

You clapping.

You scared me for that.

That's terrifying.

Like, yeah, yeah, I like shit like that, nigga.

Hell yeah.

The scariest part about the cuck shit to me as a black man is like, I'm your, I'm who y'all looking for, which is scary.

Really?

Like, I do shows all the time, man.

People always come up to me, like, hey, hey.

She look she look good to you?

You want to fuck her?

And I go, not for free.

And

I'm going to tell you something, man.

I told y'all this on the show before.

My dick, not huge, right?

So I will feel weird going somewhere to fuck somebody's wife, and I pull my dick out, and he goes, nigga, I could have did this.

That would be kind of

something.

Damn.

That was great.

You get that a lot on the show?

A lot.

Wow.

Yeah, a lot.

And you've never done it.

No, uh-uh.

My dad wants me to a lot, real bad.

Does he get a cut of it?

He wants me to.

He wants me.

No, he just wants me to like, come on, you don't want to do that shit.

Y'all be like, nigga, you weak.

You weak as hell.

If I was 24 your age, I would have fucked the shit out that bitch.

Let that nigga watch.

My dad, a weird nigga, man.

He's a strange guy.

Yeah.

Very strange guy.

He scares me.

I like how you translate it for yourself.

We love your dad.

I love him too, but he's crazy, dog.

You're a real fucking psychopath, man.

What do you think would happen if a couple offered him that opportunity?

You think he would do it?

He going missing for a couple hours.

Somebody getting fucked.

Some poor white lady getting fucked, dog.

Wow.

I told you that story we was in Utah, he had his porn star, OnlyFans lady, and she was like, she was in the green room just showing her pussy.

And my dad was like, this is the best day ever.

I'm so excited for this.

It was crazy.

Andrew makes a great point.

He turned to me.

He said it.

Yeah.

It is a white thing, huh?

Yeah.

100%.

There's not a black couple in the world that would invite red band to.

No, but that situation does happen a lot to comedians, like these chuckle fuckers with their

slutty wives and stuff.

It's happened to you?

Oh, many times, many times.

It's disturbing because the girl's not ever hot enough.

Lie detective.

Dude, we're just such big fans.

I really want you to fuck my horse.

Cam, what else is going on?

Man, the other day,

I went to Canada.

Canada was cool.

Okay.

Hell yeah, I seen a red dot Indian nigga for the first time.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, never seen one before.

You were pointing pointing your Glock at him.

Tony?

That was good.

That was good as hell.

Yes.

You were at a convenience store, and you go, give me everything in the room.

Hold up.

The red dot.

Wait, hold on.

Yeah.

The red dot Indians you have seen before.

No, I haven't.

You've never seen an Indian from India?

No, I've never seen one with the red dot.

No.

No, Cam is is Cam.

The other ones are the ones that we kind of got out of here.

I've seen the ones, the regular niggas.

I've seen them niggas.

We got a sign.

I've seen niggas before.

But I've never seen the goddamn with the actual red dot.

I've never seen a dude.

Cam was raised on the streets of Orlando, Florida.

Never seen a dude.

He never went anywhere.

On these interviews during this show, we've seen him see snow for the first time.

Wow.

I was frolicking and shit, nigga.

I doubt.

Yeah, frolicking.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

It's good.

Snow is nice.

They like snow.

You got to get gloves for that shit because it's cold.

Okay.

Real, real shit.

You know that.

Was it a man or a woman that had the red dot?

You see this one, nigga?

Don't look at your shit.

I look at my head shit.

You know it'd be cold, nigga.

Oh, my God.

So was it a man or a woman with the red dot?

It was a dude, it was a dude.

It was a dude with the red.

Hell yeah.

Okay, because usually it's a woman that has it, and it signifies that she's married.

So you met a gay Indian.

Yeah.

Say you swore to God, dog.

I don't think his family would be cool with that.

Where'd you meet?

Where'd you meet?

Something tells me they wouldn't be cool with that shit at all, dog.

Where'd you meet this guy?

I was in Canada, nigga.

I know, but where in Canada?

I know.

Oh, it's a big country.

Not to me, nigga.

I've only been to two places, Vancouver and Edmonton.

That's all it is to me right now.

I was in Vancouver, though.

Right, but were you at a store?

Were you bowling?

Oh, you know where I was.

A-bar.

You know who I was, man.

What?

At a store.

You were at a convenience.

Yeah, well, they spawned at and shit like that.

Right.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You know what I'm saying?

And you saw the red dot.

What did you say anything to him?

No, I was just like, this is crazy.

I heard about him.

What did he say to you?

What was he like?

Stop looting.

Please, this is my livelihood.

Nah, he did.

You know what I'm saying?

$17.62.

That's what he said.

He said $17.

That was the price of the price of what I was.

Did you swipe it over his dots?

I should have did that, dog.

That would have been a hate crime, dude.

Yep.

Probably.

That's crazy.

We just saw a guy with a lot of red dots.

Tight shit.

It's true.

It is true.

We went from fucking chicken pox to chicken rocks over this.

All right, Cam, you're a superstar.

You've done it again.

Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Not easy to write a new minute every single week at all.

And he does it.

Yep.

All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Matt Gonzalez.

Everybody, here's Matt Gonzalez.

Okay.

What old boy people?

how y'all doing?

Yeah, y'all having fun?

Have your fun now while there's still no black pickleball players.

Because, I mean, I've saw Jackie Robinson.

I saw Tiger Woods.

You guys are going to be pissed when you see a black guy.

Dunk a pickleball.

And while we're on the topic of dunking, the WNBA.

All those girls are, they can cross me over.

That doesn't mean I want to watch them make a layup.

I just think they'd have a lot more viewers if they started playing shirts versus skins.

Like one rule: Britney Griner's always going to be on shirts.

Tell that kid to put his titties away.

I was thinking about this the other day.

All right, we're in there.

Go ahead.

We want to hear it.

Matt Gonzalez, what were you thinking about the other day?

All right, I was thinking about, don't ask me why I was thinking about this.

I might ask you why.

You're in the interview part now.

You're in the interview part now.

I mean, why are all dildos circumcised?

Why were you thinking about that?

I just finished jacking off

and I was looking at it.

I was like, man, why is it circumcised?

I was like, who

owns Big Dildo?

Like,

is it the Jews?

What is the dill dough?

Okay, Matt, welcome.

Have you been on this show before?

You look familiar.

Yeah, I've been on before.

Okay.

Well, remind us all.

What do you do for work?

I'm a mechanical designer.

I make desks and shit.

Okay.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Probably about like a year and a half.

Year and a half.

Good premise with the black pickleball players.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry, Matt.

You're good, man.

I apologize.

I had to use the bathroom.

You just went to the kids.

I heard Do killed.

That's what the guys back there said.

So I apologize.

Appreciate it.

He did good.

He talked about there's no black pickleball players and enjoy it now, white people, because when they start, just like with all other sports, they're going to take over.

That is like the cucking of sports, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're going to get in there.

Yep.

Yeah, white people just keep making new sports until black people get good at it.

That's right.

That's true.

You should

add that to the thing.

Yeah.

That's the new best part of the whole joke.

Yeah.

It's called the X Games.

Now we do have to keep doing that.

That's really interesting.

And when you're white and you get older, those sports are really appealing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just started doing like fucking four square with a net and shit and like spike ball.

You guys like spike ball.

Yeah.

You're Mexican, my bad.

Spick ball.

Yes, it's Joel Jolberg.

He can say that.

Because he's Latino, ladies and gentlemen.

So, Matt Gonzalez, what have you been doing for fun?

What does a guy like you do for fun?

Man, I've been going to baseball games.

This dude recognized me from the show at the baseball game.

Wow.

He's just like, I'm getting a beer and he's like, yo, Hammock.

I'm like, what the fuck?

That's what you talked about.

That was one of your jokes.

No, it's, all right.

Why would he call you hammock?

Uh, we found out in the interview that I sleep in a hammock.

That's right.

Do you still sleep on a hammock?

Yeah.

Wow.

You love it.

Yeah.

You love it.

Yeah, I love it.

I can't sleep any other way.

I'm just like a I need to know who makes those screws

You it's it's by choice though sleeping in the hammock just

at this point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like it's been like

too long how long how long has it been it's been like two years i think it's been

it's been like two years still in there two years in a hammock you have you have a sore back

uh yeah actually uh believe it or not i go to the gym um

And when I go to the gym, I lay down and like stretch my back.

And every single time I just lay flat.

And I'm like, wow, this feels good.

If you had a bed, what's your living situation?

This is crazy.

Nothing changed.

I still live.

We don't remember.

We do this every week.

Yeah, I still live with my grandpa.

You live with your grandpa?

Yeah.

He lives here.

Does he sleep in a...

He sleeps in a normal bed.

Okay.

It's Willy Wonka's style.

They sleep in the same hammock.

Sometimes I get cold, we cuddle.

Okay.

But he sleeps in a normal bed.

Yeah.

And where is your hammock located?

In a totally different room.

Right.

It's inside.

Yeah, it's inside.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Is it in its own bedroom?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got my own.

It's a hammock room, not a bedroom.

You're a funny guy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You are delivery.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

You have a real natural knack at being funny.

Thank you.

Do you do a lot of spots?

You working hard?

Yeah, I'm trying to go to spots every chance I get around town.

All right, can I ask you a question?

Okay.

And this might have been covered in the past episode, so forgive me.

I've now missed both.

When you bring a girl back to the hammock, hammock,

what is the immediate reaction from them?

What was that?

Fire tonight.

John Dees, what was that?

Oh, what is that, John?

There you go.

He's taking credit.

Okay, yeah.

What is the reaction to that?

Usually the reaction is like, all right, I can make this work.

Wow.

Wow, I thought it'd be a net loss.

Oh

my God.

She is in full jet ski form tonight.

We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen.

The engines are fully operational on this jet ski.

Holy shit.

Wow.

So you're with women that are so unbelievably easy

that they see a hammock and they're like, let's fucking go, Big Daddy.

Do you try to go back to their place, though?

Like like the whole time you're trying to sew, like, let's go back to your place.

Well, yeah, of course.

I don't

want them to see it.

Like, what's your type, swingers?

This is unbelievable.

Let's switch spots.

Let's switch spots.

I'll play the fucking trumpet.

She's on fire, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my god.

Jetsky, Jesse, Johnson,

Rochester, Nashville.

I should have given you all my dates.

Check them out.

No, but seriously, what is the reaction?

Yeah, no, my type is low-hanging fruit, though.

Boom.

Unbelievable.

The hammock jokes are going

ballistic here on Keltoni.

Full swing.

Incredible.

From post to post, the hammock jokes are

elevated.

Incredible.

You can only do so many positions on that, right?

There is no doggy style.

That's out unless you just have her bent over the actual hammock, but you can't be on the hammock yourself.

That would be an absolute disaster, a ticking time bomb.

She does it sideways, if I remember, right?

Yes, yes, that's correct, Red Band.

You remember.

Yeah.

Remember.

Anywhere the word ham is, Red Band's watching through a window.

Yeah.

Okay.

A hammock, a bacon itch, a cake itch.

Oh my goodness.

She likes black comics.

What?

Red band.

Stick with the soundboard.

All right.

Matt Gonzalez,

is there anything else crazy?

Any other updates we should know about your life since the last time you were on?

Where can people see you?

Do you do stand-up here?

Yeah, I do stand-up at

small bars around town between trees all over the country

you might recognize them from between two ferns with uh

hell yeah

hell yeah yeah no really just hanging out yeah absolutely

absolutely catch them floating around all around town so what's the longest set you've ever done

Probably like 10 minutes, yeah.

Love to have you do a short set at the Secret Show.

Wow.

Look at that.

And you already have a big joke book, right?

You got a small one last time?

Yeah, you took it away.

Why did I take away your small joke book?

I already had one.

You took it away.

A small joke book?

Yeah.

And so you've been on twice before.

Both times, you've been given a small joke book.

Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

That's where all the hard work gets you.

Matt Gonzalez.

Now, I'm gonna tell you when I pulled this out I noticed its special quality right away Because take note the drummer's name is Michael Gonzalez we sent him off to enjoy the show from the upper balconies for the first time ever and since then I've pulled a Brian Smith a Cam Patterson obviously was said to go up and a Matt Gonzalez and now Ladies and gentlemen, in an unbelievable turn of events, your next comedian goes by the name of Peter Gonzalez, everybody.

This is your third Gonzalez on stage tonight.

This is an anomaly.

Make some noise one more time for Peter Gonzalez.

What's up?

How's everybody doing?

That's good, bro.

I'm from San Antonio.

Yeah, I recently left San Antonio.

And people always ask me why I left San Antonio.

And the answer is, I just got tired of remembering the Alamo.

That's like San Antonio's motto, you know?

Everywhere you go, people are like, hey, do you remember what happened?

I'm like, no, I don't.

And it's not because I'm an asshole or anything.

I'm just tired of white people giving me tests.

You know, like, I was at the Alamo Starbucks,

and

the waitress, she tells me, hey, can I get a name for your order?

And

can you also tell me who won the Battle of the Alamo?

And I was like, nah, bro.

Next question.

Yeah, I've been in Austin for a couple months now.

Yeah, Yeah, bro, yeah.

Been here for a couple months and I like it, man.

It's really different, you know?

Like,

they got a lot of like white homeless people here.

Yeah, bro.

Like, like, white homeless people are way different than regular homeless people.

You know, like, like, this guy paid my college tuition off and shit.

Yeah, bro.

It was like meeting Santa Claus on heroin.

Okay, Peter gets,

everybody.

Let's just get right into it.

Peter, yeah, Andrew, go ahead, get us.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two years.

You're going to be good.

Oh, I appreciate it.

No, no, I'm not being facetious.

I genuinely believe you're going to be good.

You're figuring things out right now, but you got.

I know it sounds crazy.

It looks like I'm being sarcastic, but you're going to be fucking good.

I appreciate it, man.

I love your shit, bro.

Keep at it.

Keep at it.

But I genuinely believe if you keep at it, you're going to be good.

Thank you.

You have interesting energy.

There's like a cool gravity.

Obviously, the jokes are going to get there, whatever, but they.

yeah

it's two years in none of us were fucking good two years in the point is i you have something i kind of just wanted you to keep talking appreciate it bro thank you remember like when you when that joke didn't go over and you're like anyway so yeah move to and then

they started laughing because there's something about you so keep at it i genuinely believe it's gonna take a while as it does for all of us

but i i'm i'm excited for you man thank you andrew appreciate it bro yeah never do that alamo joke again though

never never.

If it doesn't hit here, it's never going to hit anyone.

What the fuck, Alamo is.

No one.

Okay, gotcha, gotcha.

So we don't

have to be like some local humor type stuff.

No, you don't want to do that.

People want to know about you, not your fucking outlook on some old historical fucking site.

We don't want to know Peter.

Yeah.

You also said white people are different than regular homeless people, though.

Well, I meant like there's more white homeless here.

Like, it's just a lot more than San Antonio.

There's a bunch of Mexicans in San Antonio.

right here.

It's like,

you know, it means some.

Okay, let's talk about it, Peter.

What do you do for work?

Right now, I work at an office depot.

Okay, what do you do at an office depot?

Do you stand outside looking for secretary work?

Nah, bro.

That deserved a bigger laugh for sure.

Because Mexicans are usually at Home Depot.

All right.

Right, right, right.

That's how you know they're coming up in the world, bro.

They knew about the office depot.

Standing outside of an office depot.

Taxes,

accounting,

who got some W-2s, hoes?

I'll take your fucking W-2 right now.

W-Do's.

Fucking write that shit off.

Write off everything, fool.

Okay.

Sorry, I'm fucking nervous, so I'd love to be laughing right now.

I'm just nervous as hell.

You're okay.

You're doing great, buddy.

It's compelling.

It's great.

Appreciate it.

Appreciate it.

You're doing just fine.

You're the third funniest Gonzalez that's been on the stage tonight.

God damn it.

You're doing great.

No, you're doing fine.

I'm just.

Office Depot.

What do you do at Office Depot?

Yeah.

I'm mainly like a salesman.

I like sell paper to white people.

Sell me some paper right now.

Give them this single spotlight.

I want you to sell me some paper.

Well, I'm about to get fired because I make such little sales.

No, you're doing great.

They love you.

But

yeah, I'm a pretty shitty salesman, honestly.

I just throw out.

Okay, let's go full lights back up.

We gave it a shot.

So let's say me and Tony walk in and we're just like, listen, man, we ran out of paper, bro.

We need some paper.

Bang.

Yeah, sir.

Can I help you you to

see how I'm shitty, bro?

Bro, we need paper, bro.

We need some paper.

We have nothing for our printer.

What do we do?

What kind of paper would you like?

Like, what are you looking for?

Like, are you looking for like a well,

I want some nice stationery, actually.

I like fancy paper with like borders or something like that.

Can you tell me what?

I don't say borders or papers to a Mexican guy, dude.

I'm waiting for it.

Joe Burke.

Burke.

Joe Burke.

All right.

Okay.

So, so you sell papers to Mexicans.

I sell green cards, green card paper to Mexicans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but there are a lot of Mexicans that come in and need help like getting their green card.

That's basically what I'm for.

You know, they walk in and I translate.

I'm like, Nisita, you the

green card.

They're like, yeah.

And I take them to the printer and help them out.

And you're like, they're fucking here.

Get them.

Exactly.

Get them.

Get them.

We got another one.

Peter, what do you like to do?

How old are you?

I'm 31.

31.

What do you do for fun?

You go to San Antonio and hang out with them and cha-chas?

Pretty much.

Like,

go see family in San Antonio.

Yeah, but what do you do for fun?

How does a guy like you let loose?

I don't know, bro.

I'm pretty boring.

I just, like, smoke weed, sit at home, and

write jokes, perform a couple of times a week.

But come on, there must be something.

You must have a hobby, something you like to do.

I play soccer, like

Sunday amateur soccer league.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah, play with like 30 illegal Mexicans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They've all been deported since, so it's just me now.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Yep.

No doubt about it.

Goals.

That is good strategy though.

Like if you're playing like the really good team in the league and you know a couple of the guys shouldn't be here.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You make a phone call.

Right, right.

Right, Right, right, right, right.

Okay.

Peter.

Are you in a relationship right now?

No, I haven't been

in a relationship in a couple months, honestly.

No.

What happened a couple months ago?

What happened to that girl?

I don't know.

It was.

Did you guys argue over 40 bucks or something?

No, no.

Shit, it's been a minute, honestly.

Yeah, yeah, it was like this white girl I was with, but it wasn't really like.

Where'd you meet the white girl at?

At my job.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's the only way I get laid.

I just meet girls at my job.

I don't really.

Tony, you can't spell deport without depot.

I just that is true.

That is true.

So she came in office depot.

What was she looking for this one?

No, this was when I worked at Target.

Like, she was

a co-worker.

Yeah, she was a co-worker.

Wow, okay.

She was a co-worker at Target.

Yeah.

And then how did it go down?

You guys were in the breakup?

We just smoked weed together.

In your car?

Yeah, yeah.

And eventually we just.

What kind of car is it?

What kind of Honda Civic is it?

Toyota Camry.

Toyota Camry.

I don't have a car anymore.

Absolutely.

Twin sister of the Honda Civic for those of you.

Yeah.

Is it white?

What?

Is it white?

No, it's blue.

What happened to your car?

Huh?

What happened to your car?

I don't know.

The engine just blew up one day, like a couple months ago.

It just exploded.

You don't know how to fix it?

No, I'm bad as a car.

I'm horrible.

I'm the worst Mexican.

I would have asked you.

No, no, I'm the worst Mexican ever, bro.

Can't speak Spanish, can't fucking fix cars, can't clean shit.

I'm bad.

I'm very bad.

I'm a disappointment.

You make up for it by playing soccer every Sunday.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, Peter.

What scares you?

Are you afraid of anything?

This shit, yeah, that's stage fright.

Stage fright, other than that, what else?

Come on, there must be something.

Like, what scares me?

You have a nightmare or something like that?

Something Nightmares.

Nah.

I love Mexican.

I really don't know what that is.

Nightmares.

Nah, I don't know.

I don't really have any.

What happened when you found out your name was called?

What?

Like, what happened when you found out your name was called?

You were going to go on tonight?

What was that feeling like?

I was excited, bro.

Like, I low-key knew it was going to happen.

I don't know why.

Today I was ready.

I was just like.

I don't know why.

Yeah, I just knew it.

I was just ready.

I was just smiling, just ready.

I got four choices, just kind of motivated.

you could feel it when you went there today yeah yeah i don't know i just felt it i was just feeling good today you have powerful instincts has that ever happened before where you like you thought something was gonna happen and then it happened uh nah no usually

no no i try to be

you are funny i love this kid shuls was right about you there's something in there keep fucking doing it keep working hard don't ever do the but make me a promise you'll never do the fucking alamo joke again, okay?

All right, never again, bro.

You're a ginger ass joke, but all right.

I think he has some great advice, which is just like kind of talk about yourself, man.

Yeah, talk about what you're going through, and yeah, we're interested in it, clearly.

Appreciate it.

You're crazy likable, bro.

Yeah, thank you.

You look like a fucking Pixar character, nigga.

You're using that.

It was a Ninto.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I appreciate it.

There he goes.

Peter Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen.

There goes Peter Donzales.

I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone.

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We may need to change that jingle.

Prices and participation may vary.

All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Tyler Langloy.

Tyler Langloy.

Here we go.

Make some noise one more time, everybody.

These people wait all day for this.

Tyler Langloyd.

Hey, everybody, how's it going?

You guys all seem very cool.

You seem very nice.

I was not cool growing up.

And actually, in elementary school and middle school, my classmates used to make fun of me and say that I gave off serial killer vibes.

But now that I've watched every serial killer documentary on Netflix, I realize that those were compliments.

Yeah, most of those guys are pretty damn charming.

It's like, oh, you think I look like the kind of guy who can trick a woman into getting in my car?

Thank you.

I don't know why so many girls like serial killers.

Like, I feel like I know so many girls who are obsessed with serial killers.

Like, Ted Bundy murdered women and then had sex with their bodies.

And they saw his picture in the newspaper and they were like, I can fix him.

There he is.

Tyler Langloyd.

Hi, Tyler.

Hello.

This is your first time on the show, correct?

Yeah.

Welcome, welcome.

How long you been doing stand-up?

I think like eight years.

Eight years?

Where at?

Jersey.

All of it in Jersey?

Yeah, Jersey, Philly.

You still live in Jersey?

Yeah, I flew in this afternoon.

Amazing.

Just for this?

I'm hanging out for a week.

Sweet.

Awesome.

Look at you.

Lucky guy.

Eight years from Jersey.

What do you do for work in Jersey?

I work at a pizzeria.

A pizzeria?

That is so jersey.

It's as jersey as it gets.

It's like the last guy playing soccer on Sundays.

How long have you been working at a pizzeria?

Too long.

Yeah.

How long is that?

Right now, like...

For this time, three years, but then there's been some other stretches.

Are we doing a thin crust, deep dish?

What are we doing?

We're doing thin crust.

We're doing regular.

We actually had Dave Portnoy at our pizzeria last week.

Wow.

What was the rating?

7.4.

That's really good.

That's pretty solid.

That's a solid rating.

That is really good.

Did you happen to make that pizza that day?

No, I took the phone call.

Wow.

And it said Dave's going to be coming in around 3 or something like that?

Well, I found out that I guess New Jersey has like a pizzeria spy network anytime he's in town.

So we got a phone call at like 11 a.m.

It's like Dave's in town.

Wow.

And then we were just prepared all day.

That's my question.

If you know he's coming, is it a different pizza than you're normally serving?

It was.

We were like, if someone orders just a plain pie,

let the guys know because we're making it special.

Yeah.

Wow.

So that 7.4 is not fucking legit.

I don't want to fuck shit on that.

But I bet every place is like that, right?

Exactly.

Yes.

They're in on it.

What's the name of the pizza place?

Romeo's Italian American.

Romeo's Italian American.

Romeo's.

My boss is going to be so happy about this.

Good.

That was a really funny joke, by the way.

Thank you.

Yeah, that was a really good joke.

I thought that was funny.

You guys can't see this, but your lack of ass is insane.

Let's see it.

Turn around for us.

Let's see that.

Oh, my God.

It's incredible.

It is incredible.

It is thin crust.

He's got that

New York-style style ass.

Whoa, he looks like a dog standing up, bro.

That's crazy.

Oh, my God.

I'm working on it.

I used to be like 400 pounds.

So you lost.

You lost weight.

Bravo.

Bravo.

Wow.

How do you lose weight all out of your ass?

I didn't.

I never had one.

It was worse before.

That is incredible.

I had negative ass before.

That is incredible.

400 pounds, how did you lose the weight?

Tell Red Band how you lost it.

Honestly, I started just going on walks and smoking a lot of weed.

He's got the weed part down.

Yeah, but the walk thing.

I mean, like, how far of a walk do you do?

Like, five miles.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, like three times a week, five miles.

Then I go to the gym.

Oh, what do you do at the gym?

Just lift some weights.

Usually get high for that too.

Yeah.

No problem.

I got to trick myself.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Incredible.

What else about you?

What else about you, Tyler?

Tell us more about your life.

Your parents live in Jersey, your whole family's there.

Yeah, I live with my whole family.

You live with your whole family.

How big is the family?

I got two brothers, a sister.

And then also my one brother's and my sister's significant other live with us too.

They all live in the same house.

How many bedrooms is this house?

Three upstairs and two in the basement.

Are you in the basement?

Of course.

Of course.

Basement energies, if I've ever seen them before, it is absolutely incredible.

The home of the flat ass people.

They all go to the basement.

So we are we do a special thing here.

You got a 7.4 from Dave Portnoy, but here on Kill Tony, we do a special thing.

We go on Yelp and we go to the lowest reviews possible.

I'm going to read a one-star review from Romeo's Italian Kitchen.

Ordered an Italian hot dog.

You make Italian hot dogs?

I don't make anything.

But your place makes Italian hot dogs.

Yeah.

Right.

What exactly is an Italian hot dog?

I am Italian American.

If anyone should know what an Italian hot dog is, it should be me.

Explain to me what that is.

Is it just a hot dog with marinara sauce and cheese on it?

It's like more of a sausage than a hot dog.

Okay.

It's got some, you know, onions, peppers.

I love mustard on it.

Okay, let's go back to this.

I ordered an Italian hot dog.

I had to recook the hot dog in my air fryer.

The smallest amount of potatoes I ever had.

They come with a side of potatoes?

Oh, there's potatoes on it.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Mozzarella sticks also not cooked well.

They are so chewy.

Unpleasant to eat.

Will not go back there.

From Nancy

11 months ago, you worked there 11 months ago, didn't you?

I did.

We got new mozzarella sticks since then, though.

Oh, okay.

Perfect.

Bruce, one year ago, says, I ordered two salads for delivery.

When they arrived, they were crammed in a bag that was so small they were spilling out.

The delivery guy tosses the salads and they shockingly don't get caught and spill all over the ground.

He tells my girlfriend it's her fault.

She should be more careful and leaves.

Why wasn't my order replaced at no charge?

Why is your delivery guy a psycho who blames others when his only job is handing off food without dropping it all over the ground and then leaving her to clean it up?

Why do you use bags so inappropriate for these items?

I'm sure others have called you out on it.

You disgust me and open my eyes to the joys of DoorDash.

Take care.

There's a lot of questions.

Would you like to answer any of them?

Okay.

Over two years ago, my wife and I found it interesting that the counter guy, the one that thinks he's really cool, was wearing sweatpants with the word yikes

boldly displayed on the front of his crotch.

The front?

What the fuck?

This is crazy.

Nice attire for a family establishment.

We ate our bland pizza and left, vowing to never return.

Vowing.

Who says vowing on a one star?

I mean, you must know you worked there every day.

You must know the guy that wore the sweatpants with yikes across the front.

Was it you?

It was not me.

It wasn't you.

But we caught you on the camera.

Tony!

Cooking pizzas on the sofa.

All right.

I know the guy who thinks he's very cool, but I've not seen the yikes pants.

Okay, here we go.

Maybe he's retired them.

Boss G with 11 likes, updated over three years ago, says, greasy shit, you can tell it's

greasy shit.

You can tell it's literal sweaty pizza and is so terrible.

I had a terrible experience with the survive took way too long.

Are we.

There's a couple Romeos.

Is this the right Romeos?

Oh, wow, wow.

What's the address?

It is the one on

Elton, Adelphia.

Fuck.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, I like your style, Tyler.

You're leaving here with a big joke book.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

And I can't wait to check out your pizza soon.

Oh, it's going to be great.

Thanks.

You're awesome.

Even stepping up our game.

I love it.

No, and by the way, those were just the one-star reviews.

Overall, it sits at a...

Four and a half stars, 49 reviews.

Yeah.

99 reviews, 4.3 stars.

Bravo.

Yeah.

Red Band doesn't know how to read, everybody.

That's why it's Red Band, not Reed Band, everyone.

All right, there he goes.

Great stuff.

Tyler Langloy, everybody.

All right, let's get one last bucket full out there.

Is that cool?

You guys have a little energy?

Your final bucket full of the night has the kind of name where he's probably eaten at a Romeo's pizzeria before.

Make some noise for Vinny Rauchi, everybody.

Vinny Rauchy.

Oh, hell yeah.

This guy must be the owner.

All right, one more time for Vinny Rauchi, everyone.

Can you guys imagine if races were contagious?

You know, like the common cold, and you get it for five to ten days.

You wake up one morning with a mild case of Mexican.

You're like, fuck, but the next day you got all your landscaping done yourself.

But all the drinks you have between those five to ten days are warm because you're afraid of ice.

something to think about or you wake up with a case of Caucasian and your credit report is up 123 points

or you got a call into work you're like boss I'm not gonna make it in today

I'm feeling really

that's on you

That's on you.

I didn't say anything.

Hey, you guys hear about that new Mexican.

Keep going, keep going.

But that new Mexican weight loss immigration pill.

Not only are you going to be

losing weight and an Olympian at running, jumping, and swimming, but you're also

damn it.

All right.

All right.

Oh, it's going to be called O them Spic.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Check, check, check.

Here

Yes.

Okay.

All right, Finny.

What's up?

Hi, buddy.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

You remind me of something.

I don't know what it is.

It's not human.

It's not human.

It's not human.

It's wonderful.

It's like something.

It's like a maybe it's like a pawn.

A wee moet.

A wee moet.

It is wild.

The lion sleeps tonight.

Absolutely.

Okay.

You look like a fish that owns a pawn shop.

a fish that owns a pawn shop kind of yeah interesting

it was uh something to think about

yeah that's your catchphrase that's your catchphrase just say something to think about something

what do you think happened there at the end that joke that you forgot um i knew i was coming up to a minute and I was contemplating not doing it, but then I felt there was a little bit of time and I tried going too quick.

How long have you you've been doing stand-up, Benny?

Uh,

about three years doing it, giving it my 100%.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I am a maintenance tech for the apartment complex that I live at.

Okay, where do you live?

Uh, it's about 15 minutes north of here.

Okay, perfect.

Far West Hills.

Okay, perfect.

And you do maintenance.

Well, you ever get a crazy maintenance call?

What's the worst thing you ever had to do?

You ever have to

plunge a toilet or something?

I mean, just the way some people live is just, it's ridiculous.

Right.

It's just ridiculous.

You're Italian, right?

I'm Italian.

So you're a very clean guy.

I'm a neat freak.

You have like black leather furniture I'm picturing, right?

I do have a black leather couch.

Oh, my God.

Now that's Italian.

Yes, sir.

How many thrones?

How many thrones do you have?

Very good, Red Band.

There you go.

So, Vinny Rauchi, you have a girl?

I do not.

No, you're single.

I am single.

How long have you been single for?

Shit, I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time, bro.

Last time I was on here, we talked about I was a virgin until I was 28 years old.

You've been on the show before?

I have.

Wow.

Yeah.

You'd think I would remember a fucking

Jeffrey Ross.

You'd think I'd remember a neck like that.

What is that?

I don't have a neck.

What do you mean?

I've been told I don't have a neck.

No, you don't.

Yeah.

It's incredible.

You never could have played football because the helmet would have scraped up against your shoulder pads.

It's unbelievable, Vinny.

So, uh...

Wow.

28, you lost your virginity.

How did that happen?

How's that happening?

Hooker in Amsterdam.

Okay, yeah, but how did you not have sex before that?

Did something happen to you when you were a kid, Vinny?

No, no.

I was always the good guy.

I never, you know what?

I was afraid of rejection.

That's what it was, so I stayed the fuck away.

That's right.

That's right.

And how about lately?

When's the last time you you had sex with a hooker at 28?

How old are you now, Benny?

I am 56.

I just turned 56.

56.

So what's your body count since the hooker?

Since the hooker?

Yeah.

Shit, that was 96.

I would say 10.

Right.

10 or 12?

Okay.

I mean,

I feel like you know exactly.

I don't feel like you lose count after 10.

Well,

I mean,

10 or 12.

No chance that it's 11.

Yeah, who are those two?

Well, I mean, I lost it to a hooker.

Yeah.

And then I was there for a week, so I went back probably four times.

But same hooker or different hooker?

No, different.

Okay, so now you're at five.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you had sex with five girls in 96.

Yep.

And then over the next 30 years, you had sex with five more?

Six or seven.

Honestly, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Five or seven more.

You don't know.

Oh.

That's what I'm talking about.

Four arms.

Forearm.

Yeah.

No,

I would say 15 at the most.

Wow.

Well, I mean, you made a good point.

You were bringing it to light.

Who lies in 30 years?

Who lies?

Be honest.

It's five, right?

It's five, right?

It was seven.

Okay, okay.

There we go.

There we go.

Benny, when's the last time?

So I moved here in 2000.

I moved here in 2021.

So

September of 2021?

2021.

Yep, because I was only here for a week and I was like, holy shit, I just got laid.

What happened?

How did you get laid that fast?

I just picked her up in a bar.

She was having problems with her cat.

What kind of problems is she having with her cat?

She was sad because her cat, she had to put it on medication and she went to the bar and drank a bottle of wine.

And I happened to be there to

take advantage.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

True thurts.

True thurts.

Wow.

And then you get her back to your place.

I went back to her place.

Okay.

Yep.

And what was that?

Like, did you see the cat?

I did.

Did it look sick?

No.

It looked fine.

No, it didn't.

It looked fine to you.

Yeah, but it was on meds, so maybe the meds were working.

I don't know.

It was fun.

It was a great time.

I like that.

Yeah.

Did you pet the cat?

Did you talk to the cat at all?

I pet both of them.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Yep.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely.

Do you go down on her frenzia box?

Wow.

Red ban.

Getting verbal.

Red verbal red ban, everybody.

Okay.

Vinny Rauchi taking a girl to the black couchy.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Bro, your arms look long as fuck, dude.

My arms?

Oh, that is a thing.

That is one of the things.

Training arms with a monkey.

Bro, your arms are crazy.

I do have long arms.

My dress shirts, they never fucking fit.

Never.

It's the arms and the neck.

I really appreciate you guys building my fucking self-esteem here.

I already told you I don't.

What are we going to do?

Affect your pussy game?

Help a brother out.

Stop being a girl.

If you want compliments, go to Amsterdam and pay for them.

50 gilders.

Vinny, thank you so much for coming back.

Did you get a little joke book last time?

I got a little one last time.

Okay, well, then there you go.

You already got one.

Thank you, guys.

Vinny Rauchi, everybody.

How fun.

Alright, this is it.

You know what time it is, everybody.

There's only one way to end an episode like this with the icon.

Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him God's gift to the universe.

God Himself said that.

Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis strangler.

This

is the big red machine, the one and only William Montgomery.

Kamala Harris just signed with a major talent agency, and in all honesty, I didn't realize blowing people to further your career was considered a talent.

Harriet the spy died.

Was she in too deep?

I heard she was asking too many questions.

Michelle Trachtenberg is dead.

Remember that show on VH1 called Behind the Music and how in every episode the band was hotter than ever, but offstage things were falling apart?

Have y'all seen a behind the music lately?

Yeah, who got the last laugh, VH1?

Fuck you, VH1!

Fuck you!

Did y'all know Osama bin Laden made a skate video?

Yeah, I listened to the audiobook.

It's pretty decent.

Okay, Tony, that's my top

lights out.

See, how did people the Harriet the Spy joke?

That's a wonderful joke.

And nobody's laughing.

I'm telling everybody backstage, nobody's laughing backstage.

We literally think is this a horrible idea?

I've never in my life seen Red Band look up a joke in real time on his phone.

He's like, what the fuck, Harriet, the spy?

But that's the girl that died this week.

Yeah, I think she had a bad alcohol problem and had to get her liver fucking replaced.

We had a 38-year-old up here earlier.

If he's still alive, she's, well, no, she's dead.

So, William, very fun.

What was that last thing that you trickled out there on at the end?

What was that about?

Just Osama bin Laden, the idea.

He literally had a skate video.

People don't realize that.

Skate?

Yeah, skate like roller uh like rollerblading like rollerblading rollerblading video okay yeah like now that i know that

stuff

he had a video of him rollerblading yeah no he's a really big rollerblader a lot of people don't know that about osama bin laden they all think about 9-11 all this bullshit but he was actually a really good rollerblader there were actually some skateboard videos people loved him skateboarding it's really cool seriously wow

and i literally they made it into an audiobook and I literally was listening to the audiobook on the way to Cleveland so what is that what does that sound like the audiobook of him rollerblading some middle eastern sounding guy just kind of

yeah

just this middle eastern guy describing Osama what I was listening to is skateboarding it was a lot of skateboarding just the different tricks are like okay he's going up into the pool he just dropped in he did a 360 on the way down just a lot of stuff like that wow and I know a decent amount about

rollerblading skateboarding, what have you.

So I was able to really

start getting into it recently, Tony.

You have rollerblades?

Huh?

Yeah, I have rollerblades.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Are you and I going to go to the Barton Street Mall or Barton Creek Mall and go rollerblading in there?

I think so.

They let people on Wednesday mornings.

I think we have a new fucking arena entrance for you.

Oh my gosh, hold on.

What's Red Band doing?

I'll go with you guys if you don't mind.

You know how to rollerblade?

I love rollerblading.

Are you serious?

Yeah, i do you have rollerblades yeah tony i feel like we would go and then we'd be like hold on where's red band and we look behind us and you're dying on the ground having a heart attack i don't know if he

i think i think he has rollerblading and donut eating confused um

yeah red band

you went rollerblading uh it actually has been a while like i i used to use it as an exercise like going really fast up hills and then going down and trying not to die because there's no brakes how many years ago was that uh i would say five five years ago you were rollerblading up a hill i had all the protection knees hands belly everything belly yeah

okay that's unbelievable i picture red man going up a hill on rollerblades and just going backwards there's no way zero percent there's no way you would know how to fucking rollerblade up a hill Seriously, there's no way.

There's no way.

No way.

No way.

Don't take a ton of strength.

How do you even angle angle your feet on that when red man?

You wouldn't even know how to do that.

His knees would yeah, they'd buckle like a fucking house.

You have great knees?

No, weak knees.

I have very weak knees.

Wow.

How do you know this?

Because

my knees pop out of place all the time, and the top bony and the bottom

goes together.

It happened at Skank Fest number one.

Remember something

jumped on my knees?

I do remember that.

That's why he's not allowed to exercise.

That's why he has to stay on the couch all day because his knees click in and out.

Yeah.

Kill bad knees over here.

Okay.

William, what's been going on this week?

Well, I left Tony.

I had a really good time last Monday just hanging out in Mitzies and I get back out to my car and my car's gone.

And I think, uh-oh.

And then I come back here and one of the nice police officers talks to me and tells me that they took my license plate as well.

So I'm thinking this is some weird conspiracy.

Somebody's getting my ass.

And I I make it to the tow truck place at like 2 a.m.

and my license plate is off the car.

I have to spend $300 on that.

I just spend $500 on the actual ticket.

It was this nightmarish $800.

I'm fucking $800 in the hole right now.

I literally did buy a couple skateboards recently.

Seriously.

So this isn't good.

But yeah, and then I finally have Texas plates now, though.

I had my Tennessee plates on.

So they ran the plate.

I didn't realize I had a newer Tennessee license plate and I didn't realize the numbers and letters were different on it, Tony.

So they ended up running the plate.

So it said it wasn't for my car.

So they took the license plate, and then I'm at the fucking tow truck place, just sleepy and feeling really grouchy, and there's no place to fucking sit.

But yeah, that happened last Monday.

And then I went to

Cleveland on Friday and Saturday, and it was a lot of fun.

Cleveland was fun.

The lovely Hilarities.

It was a bunch of fun.

No, it was not at hilarities.

Oh, where were you?

It was an improv.

Now it's a funny bone.

It was the what?

Funnybone.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

All right.

It's the funny bone.

I mean, it was,

let's just say something else, Tony.

Yeah.

No, it was really nice.

I had a very nice time.

Okay.

I love it.

And the shows went good.

Everything's smooth.

Yeah, shows were good.

They were good.

What else is going on?

Anything else crazy in the world?

Still just rowing.

I'm 19,000 meters since yesterday.

Wow.

Fucking three hours of sleep.

Go fucking row 10,000 fucking meters.

Listen to a bunch of Beck, his old school back.

I'm back in my days of partying in fucking L.A., doing my blow.

Wow.

So it was exciting.

And then I went back today.

I'm addicted to it now.

I get real addicted to stuff.

So when it was cocaine and alcohol, it was a real nightmare.

But now I'm just addicted to the rowing.

So that's luckily, I think, a lot more healthy.

Yeah, you're addicted to rowing.

You have been addicted to many things.

Would you like to list off some of the things that you've been addicted to to this audience?

Fuck, I mean, obviously, puzzles went through a giant puzzles phase.

And I actually bought a puzzle table.

I fucking bought myself a puzzle table for Christmas, and I haven't used it.

It's sitting behind one of the doors.

It's this wonderful puzzle table.

Have you done puzzles on a normal table since then?

I was doing it on a little card table.

No, I haven't done any puzzles.

I just stopped and I have probably eight unopened puzzles at my place right now.

Wow.

What made you stop?

It just got so hard looking for the little pieces.

Looking for that little piece.

Like you've got to look for the border at the beginning.

Like that starts turning into a nightmare.

It's like, okay, I'm looking for another border piece.

Then you look for the specific colors and then it just starts becoming such a drag.

And it's so nice Joel and Jesse are here tonight.

It's so nice.

It's like we're back at the comedy store.

It's a family reunion here.

A lot of fun energies here.

Would you like to list off some more things that you were addicted to before we let you out of here?

Prune juice.

I'm currently addicted to prune juice.

Tony, I had some squirts earlier.

I fucking get back from Cleveland last night and I'm farting so bad.

I had to sleep out on the couch.

It was bad.

I'm farting all the time if I don't drink my prune juice.

Wow.

All bream buds.

That's another kind of doo-doo-related thing.

Super addicted to those things.

Used to love whippets.

Still love whippets.

You went through a whippet phase?

Oh, yeah.

First time I ever heard fish, the band Fish.

I was doing Whippets in my buddy's Volvo in high school, and then they came a bit.

Is that what it takes to make Fish sound good?

Yes, yes.

Fuck.

Board games.

I was really.

What was the hardest one to break?

What was the artist's addiction to break?

Yeah, I mean, raisin bread.

That was a big one.

I don't know.

It was

yeah, thank you for whoever said that.

That was a huge one.

But actually, I was watching a video on YouTube about Dollywood, and they have this wonderful fucking raisin bread, and it was making me think last night I need to go to the store and buy some raisin bread.

But I didn't.

I held strong.

But it was the best-looking raisin bread at Dollywood.

It almost broke my sobriety on that.

Yeah, I have to stop doing this.

Seriously.

Wow.

But right now, rowing's the thing.

Rowing's the thing.

With no end in sight.

No end in sight.

Now I want to get across the Atlantic.

Really?

That's my goal.

Oh, we would love that.

Oh, we would love that.

We would sponsor that here at Kill Tony.

We would.

Well, if we actually did it, there'd have to be boats around me, but we could maybe do that.

How cool would that be?

Well, you know,

I think the real way to do it is with no boats around you.

I think the real way to do it.

Do you think we go out there into the Atlantic?

Fearless, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

What did you say?

Oh.

Okay.

Well, let's think about it.

But the rowing, it's every day and there's no end in sight, huh?

No, I pretty much think I ain't ever gonna stop rowing.

William Montgomery has done it again.

Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

For the love of God,

you have no excuse.

You absolutely must.

Every single goddamn one of you this is an order you go to Netflix and watch life right now and you enjoy the fuck out of it Andrew Schultz the great and powerful how loud can this place get for Andrew Schultz

another homework assignment April 16th you go to YouTube don't tell comedy and you fucking

Support the great Derek Post and everybody

Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

How about one more time?

Vroom Vroom Jetsky Johnson.

She's on tour.

Jetsky Johnson.com.

Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle.

All these amazing places and much, much more.

No doubt about it.

How about one more time for the great return of Joel Berg Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen?

Lesser known characters and dogs of Brown Town are two of his podcasts.

He has a huge show.

Him and Jetsky have a huge show at the comedy store March 19th

called Off Beat.

And they play music and they fucking are hilarious, obviously.

Thank you to Nick and YKD.

Those are nicotine pouches.

The drawing from Ryan J.E.

Belt is in.

It is absolutely incredible.

Actually, check this out.

This is a view, guys.

Ryan draws while he's in Los Angeles.

Let's check in with the drawing from the great Chris Rogers.

What has he got?

Ari Maddie.

Ari Maddie on

overdosing on testosterone.

Absolutely incredible.

It's the incredible Ari.

It's Ari Leno, everybody.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Groove line horns.

How about one more time?

Michael Gonzalez watching from somewhere.

Oh, there he is.

He's gonna play us out.

Thank you, everybody.

God bless Kiltoni Red Band.

Check out SunsetStripATX.com.

Love you guys.

London is been announced.

The O2 Arena.

Whatever you do, I can't.

Maybe there won't even, there shouldn't even be tickets available.

I can't believe.

And by the way, we're going nowhere else.

People have been asking, are you going to Ireland?

Are you going to Germany when you're in Europe?

Fuck no.

One night, the O2 Arena.

If you live in Europe, you go to the fucking O2 Arena and see us.

We're not coming to Germany.

We're not going to Paris.

You fly to London.

This is your chance.

All right.

Everybody have a good time tonight?

Schultze, anything else?

This is amazing.

We love you so much.

We love you.

God bless America.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you so much.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.