#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 5 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony hey y'all the number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again our first time since madison square garden of last year truly traveling as you probably know night two of nashville sold out but you can still get tickets for night one april fourth there is also the london oh two arena massive massive arena it's our only show in europe that is june 7th i'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas like the maverick center just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, April 18th.

Speaker 5 Reno, Nevada, the Grand Theater. The Honda Center in Anaheim, California.

Speaker 5 I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do stand-up in a legendary arena like that in Anaheim, May 9th. Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th.

Speaker 5 Announcing this week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun. I'm doing stand-up on July 11th.
Edmonton, Canada. July 18th.
Vancouver, September 14th.

Speaker 5 And if you're a wrestling fan, I will be hosting the Roast of WrestleMania Sunday night, 4:20, after night two of WrestleMania, right there in Vegas. Huge guests, huge surprises.

Speaker 5 Make sure you check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club on 6th Street, and of course, the Comedy Mothership shows will be going on sale soon for another big Monday release. We love you.

Speaker 5 God bless America. Enjoy the show.

Speaker 10 Hey, this is Redmit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 11 Get over Tony.

Speaker 14 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 14 Fuck yes.

Speaker 16 Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 17 And how loud can this place get for the best damn band in all the fucking land?

Speaker 21 Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and big mic Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 26 A legend of the show joining us on trumpet.

Speaker 28 The Jet Ski Jesse Johnson.

Speaker 30 The great Matt Muelling is on the electric guitar.

Speaker 21 John D's on the keys.

Speaker 35 And that is indeed live in the flesh, the one and only D-Madness on the bass guitar.

Speaker 23 Oh my

Speaker 38 gosh.

Speaker 27 We are going to have so much fun tonight.

Speaker 42 Before Before I get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 27 You guys ready to start start tonight's show?

Speaker 49 Well, you're in for a treat.

Speaker 52 Luckily, I book this show, and every single week I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on.

Speaker 59 This week is an extra special one because we don't always get to see our dear, dear brothers from the other places, New York, Los Angeles, as much as we'd like, especially the few that we really love from New York and Los Angeles.

Speaker 6 Ladies and gentlemen, two of my dear brothers, two of the most successful comedians out there.

Speaker 30 One has the newest special on Netflix.

Speaker 63 It's called Life.

Speaker 64 Your guests tonight are Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston.

Speaker 64 Oh

Speaker 64 my god.

Speaker 64 Yes.

Speaker 64 Live in the flesh.

Speaker 15 Make some fucking noise for Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston.

Speaker 66 Here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 49 Schultze with the newest special on Netflix.

Speaker 35 It's called Life.

Speaker 10 Derek has a new special on Don't Tell Comedy coming April 16th.

Speaker 70 This is very, very exciting to have you guys.

Speaker 71 You've been on this show before.

Speaker 72 Derek's my fucking homie from the green room here in the mothership taking over Austin, Texas.

Speaker 42 One of the funniest people in the world.

Speaker 46 Say hi, Derek.

Speaker 73 That applause was for me, I'm sure.

Speaker 75 I'm sure all of that was for your boy. You know what I mean?

Speaker 76 You fucking white niggas.

Speaker 77 Let's party.

Speaker 19 And the great and powerful Andrew Schultz.

Speaker 80 Hello, everybody.

Speaker 81 Back on this show. First time back since Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 82 That's right.

Speaker 71 That's what type of party we're having here.

Speaker 75 And life is good.

Speaker 27 You guys have been on this show before.

Speaker 41 You know what's going on.

Speaker 70 Over 270 souls signed up for the opportunity to get picked out of this bucket.

Speaker 71 I'm going to have this guy with pubes for a beard.

Speaker 2 Wow, right off the fucking top.

Speaker 41 What a simple man you are.

Speaker 84 Just the first thing.

Speaker 85 Ooh, that's a weird-looking name.

Speaker 86 This will be fun.

Speaker 67 While we go wrangle that person, and you guys know how it works, they get 60 seconds.

Speaker 50 You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means I have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry best Hollywood bear.

Speaker 6 While they go wrangle that person from across the street, we are going to start the show with one of our greatest regulars in the history of Kill Tony.

Speaker 85 Is that okay?

Speaker 52 Ladies and gentlemen, you know, now that I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America, a lot has changed.

Speaker 30 And one of the things is, is we are scurrying around to get this man his American citizenship.

Speaker 33 Tonight's show will begin with the stylings of the one and only Estonian assassin.

Speaker 92 This

Speaker 23 is Ari Matty.

Speaker 10 Sorry, I'm a little on edge.

Speaker 93 There's no porn in Texas.

Speaker 11 Give me back my porn.

Speaker 9 I'm a little on edge.

Speaker 96 Don't look at me weird when I'm in the bush waiting now.

Speaker 94 I gotta get my release.

Speaker 93 I love how some of my friends are like, yeah, you can watch porn in Texas.

Speaker 98 All you gotta do is get a VPN.

Speaker 71 Yeah,

Speaker 98 I'm just trying to beat my dick.

Speaker 93 I'm not Edward Snowden.

Speaker 90 I'm trying to get my belly button full of come.

Speaker 93 I'm not trying to rig an election.

Speaker 93 Dude, the first time you go to watch Pornhub in Texas and you see that fucking message come up,

Speaker 93 It's fucking weird.

Speaker 99 You got your lotion ready, dick card.

Speaker 101 All of a sudden you're like elected officials

Speaker 71 legislation

Speaker 83 and I've read the whole message

Speaker 93 if you scroll to the bottom of that message you actually find out that you can watch Pornhub in Texas all you gotta do is get age verification

Speaker 11 and that means you got to send a picture to Pornhub

Speaker 100 of your face holding your ID.

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 11 I'm not going to do that.

Speaker 93 It's not like the porn I watch is illegal.

Speaker 95 But

Speaker 93 I definitely need to explain it.

Speaker 96 Thank you so much.

Speaker 22 Here it is.

Speaker 24 Ari

Speaker 25 Matty has done it again.

Speaker 102 We did it.

Speaker 103 Indeed, porn is strangely illegal here.

Speaker 105 There's a lot of sites that work, but the big main ones don't.

Speaker 72 And

Speaker 106 it is very odd.

Speaker 88 I love that. It's a bummer, yeah.

Speaker 86 It is. The premise is unbelievable.

Speaker 75 Just to let you know,

Speaker 105 it's not exactly Edward Snowden that you have to be.

Speaker 56 All you have to do is sign up at expressvpn.com

Speaker 109 slash killtony, and you can get an extra four months free.

Speaker 83 And you just have to click one button.

Speaker 63 You just fire up the app.

Speaker 67 And it works on all devices, phones, laptops, tablets, and more.

Speaker 104 But yeah, I get it. It is weird.

Speaker 52 And you have to go to some janky porn sites.

Speaker 98 I've been to some janky, janky.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 111 Yeah. Dude, I'm like 15 again.

Speaker 93 I jack off the gifs on Twitter now.

Speaker 94 Dude, all I need is three pictures.

Speaker 90 I'm good. Fucking

Speaker 93 fucking dark out here.

Speaker 115 It is. In the dark web.

Speaker 88 It is.

Speaker 117 Oh, D-Madness.

Speaker 118 Dark web.

Speaker 91 Agreeing that all the webs are dark to D-Madness.

Speaker 19 What do you use?

Speaker 89 A laptop, an iPad, your phone? What are you on now?

Speaker 83 I'm a laptop guy, you know. Clicking away.

Speaker 93 Yeah, but I mean, the phone is there too, you know.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 62 You do both?

Speaker 122 You ever do both laptop and phone have a little threesome?

Speaker 91 Holy shit, no,

Speaker 93 but I do remember when I was younger, I would watch like UFC and porn just back to back.

Speaker 93 I gotta tell you, it really fucked my brain up

Speaker 90 because now I can't come without Joe Rogan yelling.

Speaker 10 And it is all over.

Speaker 16 Oh my god, he's hurt!

Speaker 34 What he needs to do here is flip his leg to the other side.

Speaker 35 You're wonderful.

Speaker 123 You're beautiful.

Speaker 124 You're amazing.

Speaker 32 We got Joe on the line live.

Speaker 50 Good friend here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 68 Yeah, I used to watch porn and UFC at the same time, but I just watched.

Speaker 60 This is the point.

Speaker 6 You need to get into guys on top of each other because I would just watch the UFC and ejaculate.

Speaker 55 I wouldn't need the porn on at all.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 83 Okay, didn't get the laugh that I thought it would.

Speaker 53 Seemed more like a confession than a joke.

Speaker 64 And let's just keep rolling with the show.

Speaker 125 All right.

Speaker 90 I guess I'm a gay f ⁇ .

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 75 Nobody laughed.

Speaker 118 They're just like, okay, yeah. What's next?

Speaker 20 Tony, are you going to ask Ari a question or something?

Speaker 90 Like, we know.

Speaker 20 We know, Tony.

Speaker 93 Dude, the amount of times I get the question, are you really gay from dudes on these killers of Killtone? It's the number one question. Yeah.
Nobody gives a fuck about my visa everybody cares about

Speaker 93 and by the way if you ask me whoever is gay i'm gonna say he's gay just so you know yeah it's true

Speaker 55 i love it um so ari how has the road been what else is going on in your world i was in philadelphia this weekend you know

Speaker 3 eagles

Speaker 91 They are a loud people.

Speaker 127 They are aggressive.

Speaker 72 I was in Atlantic City, an hour away from Philly, and they're doing the fucking...

Speaker 83 They're spelling out Eagles better than their own mayor does right there.

Speaker 93 They did that too, just grown men. Yep, no job, no nothing.

Speaker 114 Yep.

Speaker 90 I tried.

Speaker 93 Oh, I tried to. Um, when I went to Philadelphia, you know, I'm a big sauna guy.
There's no saunas in Austin. I'm a big sauna guy,

Speaker 93 and I was trying to find these Russian saunas.

Speaker 125 Uh,

Speaker 93 you know, in America, all the saunas, like, the number one struggle is if I can tell if it's a gay sauna, because the the gay people like own saunas here huh

Speaker 57 yeah I do

Speaker 93 so then I just had to go to like I found like a sauna place near the hotel but I was fucking lurking outside just to see like who walks out you know meanwhile there's some guy down the block watching you lurking at the place like oh that's definitely a gay sauna look at that dude out there fucking just waiting for dick

Speaker 9 that is funny just a lot of guys with newspapers around the fuck it's like that it's like the meme with the guy peeking from behind the tree.

Speaker 90 But I didn't go in.

Speaker 131 I was scared.

Speaker 93 Because I saw two guys come out.

Speaker 11 At the same time?

Speaker 93 Yeah, and they were like, like, I'm happy after Asona, but they were

Speaker 94 just a bit too loose.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 7 That makes sense.

Speaker 70 What's the porn like in Estonia?

Speaker 93 We have some, we have like a couple of porn movies that are pretty dark.

Speaker 6 Like what? What's what's what's dark in most porn comes from Ukraine.

Speaker 93 You know, Ukraine is like number one, number one, baby.

Speaker 75 Porn, porn, porn.

Speaker 93 All the webcam girls, they're all Ukrainian and shit.

Speaker 88 I didn't know that.

Speaker 93 Romanian, too, but why do you think that is?

Speaker 60 Why do you think Ukraine is the porn place?

Speaker 88 It is, but why?

Speaker 32 I'm not disagreeing with you at all.

Speaker 37 It is, I agree.

Speaker 93 I don't know. I think just the chicks are hot, they're clever, you know.

Speaker 108 Uh-huh.

Speaker 108 Is that why?

Speaker 83 Because they're clever, yeah, they're clever,

Speaker 115 maybe poor, Yeah.

Speaker 11 There's that too. Yeah.
I want to know.

Speaker 93 I want to look into their eyes for too long.

Speaker 71 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 80 What are you into? Because you said it needs to be explained, and I haven't stopped thinking about that.

Speaker 93 You know, like if you would see the porn, like...

Speaker 75 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 93 Like, you know, when you watch porn with your girl, you're not going to put on the porn. You actually.

Speaker 75 Yeah. You know.

Speaker 71 Right.

Speaker 104 Of course.

Speaker 10 Right. Yeah,

Speaker 80 that's hilarious. Like, she sees the first few letters, and it's just T-R-A, and you're like...

Speaker 93 Because I've done that. I've like...

Speaker 101 Traveling, beautiful woman.

Speaker 95 Now, what are you watching alone?

Speaker 71 Alone? Yeah.

Speaker 11 It's nothing like...

Speaker 80 Nah, tell us the real shit.

Speaker 115 I need to know the real shit already.

Speaker 83 Give us a little tip.

Speaker 93 Depends on like what's what's do you watch any of our stuff?

Speaker 80 Are you into the exotic?

Speaker 75 What do you mean like black women?

Speaker 83 Black women? No

Speaker 116 All black women are from America to Ari

Speaker 101 I'm pretty

Speaker 134 Is that the Williams sisters?

Speaker 93 No, what about what about I'm pretty progressive like I watch like I can imagine a black guy like if I can watch black kids Wow,

Speaker 83 I do you you're white you're right you're white I am white

Speaker 93 watch a black guy just destroying a white girl and imagine you're the guy.

Speaker 139 I can.

Speaker 95 Oh, you can do that.

Speaker 80 You can see yourself as him.

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 11 We love big dicks. That is.

Speaker 137 Yeah.

Speaker 27 So you use your imagination, because there's no black guys in Ukraine, is what you're saying.

Speaker 141 No, but okay.

Speaker 2 We've been sending giant missiles to Ukraine for a couple of years, maybe

Speaker 39 war jokes.

Speaker 90 Do you know

Speaker 136 but like

Speaker 138 son of a bitch?

Speaker 93 But the classic thing is that like it gets the

Speaker 93 the more you're scrolling the harsher it gets like the more tabs

Speaker 93 you know

Speaker 93 You know when the tabs there are no letters anymore just these fucking

Speaker 93 And you're just looking for the one dude. Then it gets pretty dark.

Speaker 86 What is just give us one thing before we get you out of here?

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 11 One crazy thing. What do you know?

Speaker 93 All the chicks are crying.

Speaker 16 Perfect.

Speaker 16 Perfect.

Speaker 136 That's what we needed.

Speaker 101 You know, all the chicks are like, help, help, help.

Speaker 90 The doors are locked. It's dark.

Speaker 93 It's a fucking storage unit with a couch. Dudes have sneakers on.
You know how it is.

Speaker 50 Ari's been jerking off to the view.

Speaker 100 You know how it

Speaker 89 The party has begun.

Speaker 21 Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 23 And it has begun.

Speaker 17 This is Kill Tony live from Austin, Texas.

Speaker 83 Brought to you by Nicked.

Speaker 83 Nicked, N-Y-K-D.

Speaker 108 The amazing...

Speaker 64 Nicotine pouch.

Speaker 34 The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, has joined the fray.

Speaker 34 And now it begins.

Speaker 130 Our first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 69 Simple.

Speaker 131 They do a minute.

Speaker 130 We interview them.

Speaker 69 We don't know them. Anything can happen.

Speaker 142 Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 31 Jovan

Speaker 78 Afzali.

Speaker 70 I wanted to say Jovan,

Speaker 31 but this guy knows. Jovan Afzali.

Speaker 124 Yeah, so I've noticed there's a lot of gold diggers in this city, right? You have to be careful. I overheard these two girls.
One of them said she would fuck any guy with a job and a boat.

Speaker 124 So I snuck up behind her. I was like, hey, what could I get with a canoe and an internship? Anything?

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 124 No, it's tough to find true love. It is, because it's not all based off looks.
Love is blind. You know what? It's not nose blind.
My girlfriend smells like shit.

Speaker 124 I put my thumb in her belly button and her butthole. I pulled it out.
It smelled exactly the same. What's going on?

Speaker 75 Okay, no.

Speaker 124 I don't actually have a girlfriend.

Speaker 124 Sometimes I like to make up imaginary girlfriends. Right now, I'm dating this black girl.
Her name's Double Entendra. She's a...

Speaker 124 She's really kind, but she makes me do weird things in the bedroom. Like,

Speaker 124 she'll make me do blackface and she'll do white face. So then we're 69 and it looks like yin yang.
It's kind of like

Speaker 124 it's kind of weird. And she's always telling me, she's like, Joven, bring food in the bedroom, but I'm out of whipped cream.
So I'm like, okay, I have

Speaker 124 caramelized onions and Swiss cheese. So I'll spit on her.
I'm like, who's my little patty melt?

Speaker 127 Four? Okay.

Speaker 138 All right, thanks. Thank you.

Speaker 28 All right.

Speaker 28 Jovan.

Speaker 103 Jovan.

Speaker 10 Afzali.

Speaker 39 What is that? What's your ethnicity?

Speaker 124 Afghanistan. Yeah.

Speaker 75 You're Afghani?

Speaker 124 Yeah, my dad's from there.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 140 And your mom's white?

Speaker 39 Yeah, she's white.

Speaker 68 And it's Jovan.

Speaker 44 Jovan, yeah.

Speaker 71 Jovan. Yeah.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 75 Jovan.

Speaker 103 Okay, so the girlfriend isn't real.

Speaker 124 Not real, one bit.

Speaker 78 I'm guessing you don't have a canoe and an internship.

Speaker 124 Nope, nope.

Speaker 75 All right.

Speaker 64 What do you do for work?

Speaker 124 I'm a line cook.

Speaker 86 Yep, you're wearing the pants.

Speaker 85 That makes sense.

Speaker 50 Yep.

Speaker 31 I was wondering if those are legit chef's pants.

Speaker 128 They are.

Speaker 143 Yep, I had work.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 55 And how long have you done that for?

Speaker 116 About...

Speaker 88 Five years in total, I think.

Speaker 128 Okay, how long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 86 Four years.

Speaker 46 Four years. Wow, we're at?

Speaker 86 Let's see.

Speaker 124 Two years where back in like Albany is where I'm from, and then like, yeah, two and a half years here, I think.

Speaker 86 Okay. You must love it

Speaker 144 compared to Albany, New York.

Speaker 124 Yeah, it's quite lovely here, but the summers get to me. I get stupid and hot.
So hot and bothered or whatever you call it. Yeah.

Speaker 44 Yeah, they're hot. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But yeah, it's a nice place.

Speaker 42 Yeah, summers are hot.

Speaker 145 Tony, you'd think he'd have better lines being a line cook.

Speaker 65 He's been cooking up.

Speaker 109 Jet ski.

Speaker 101 Jet ski.

Speaker 114 Okay.

Speaker 146 Who's on your shirt?

Speaker 147 That's Derek's mother.

Speaker 14 Canelope Poston.

Speaker 130 We all know her. We love her.

Speaker 124 It's Nina Simone.

Speaker 44 Yeah. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 124 But when I wear it, it kind of looks like Aunt Jemima.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 72 All right.

Speaker 39 Somehow, that's the most racist part of the show so far.

Speaker 148 Very interesting.

Speaker 141 What do you specialize in cooking?

Speaker 124 Well, right now I just started at this Asian place, but usually I do like Italian food, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, I like to mix it up.

Speaker 124 New restaurants, new flavors. Yeah, you never know.

Speaker 69 All right.

Speaker 67 What have you learned working at the Asian restaurant? Do you have a mean Asian boss?

Speaker 124 Well, I literally just started, like, I stagged yesterday, and I got the job, so I'll start this week.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're already wearing the pants.

Speaker 124 Well, I had another interview because I need a second job. So, yeah.

Speaker 75 You had an interview today.

Speaker 9 Do you show up with the pants today?

Speaker 90 This guy's dedicated, dude.

Speaker 82 It's just what I would love.

Speaker 101 Imagine showing up.

Speaker 80 And the shoe. You got the Crocs on, don't you? Yeah.
Oh, this guy's good.

Speaker 130 Just in case they're like ready to throw you in there right now.

Speaker 124 Dress for the job you want, am I right?

Speaker 24 Absolutely.

Speaker 149 100%.

Speaker 40 100%.

Speaker 39 Jovan, tell us more about you.

Speaker 86 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 124 I love playing chess lately, and I like to go dancing, so those kind of fill my time. You're a dancer?

Speaker 2 No, I'm not a dancer.

Speaker 124 I like to to go dancing, though.

Speaker 143 What type of dancing?

Speaker 124 I'll just kind of wiggle.

Speaker 80 Can we give him a little something?

Speaker 151 Yeah, can we get a little, uh, like, what type of music do you dance to?

Speaker 16 Country, salsa?

Speaker 80 Don't brag about dancing and not bust the move in front of us, please.

Speaker 95 Shake that ass, dog.

Speaker 10 Come on.

Speaker 80 Give him something, folks.

Speaker 110 What kind of dancing?

Speaker 124 Like, like...

Speaker 2 Indian trap music's pretty cool.

Speaker 119 Okay.

Speaker 52 Do we have any Indian trap music?

Speaker 74 Oh, Michael's got it.

Speaker 116 He's been waiting for.

Speaker 75 He's been waiting years for somebody to say Indian trap music.

Speaker 16 Oh, they'll be like, okay.

Speaker 62 Oh, shit. Hey!

Speaker 124 I'll do that for like 45 minutes and then I'll leave it.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 80 Nope, I like that.

Speaker 2 Thanks.

Speaker 98 I like that. Joven's got it.

Speaker 118 Hell yeah.

Speaker 99 The Afghani assassin.

Speaker 85 All right.

Speaker 98 With the Indian trap music.

Speaker 78 He's wild.

Speaker 53 Your father, it seems like he'd be furious to see you do that.

Speaker 124 Oh, he's 90% sure I'm gay, but what are you gonna know?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 55 yeah, welcome to my world

Speaker 52 What does he think about you doing stand-up your Afghani father?

Speaker 71 He seems to like it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, he's not like

Speaker 2 Thank God, but

Speaker 145 yeah, he's more like thank Allah

Speaker 52 And they're up in Albany still?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's where they live.

Speaker 80 They have caves there.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 80 That was wrong. That was wrong.

Speaker 1 That was bad. I apologize.

Speaker 20 What type of girls are you into?

Speaker 142 Do you find yourself being more into pumping?

Speaker 124 I like the grumpy Asian girls would be ideal.

Speaker 83 Grumpy Asian girls?

Speaker 112 Grumpy girls.

Speaker 27 This is Red Band's specialty.

Speaker 16 Yes.

Speaker 152 So puffy faces, like Chinese girls.

Speaker 83 I don't know.

Speaker 142 The face doesn't even matter to Jovin.

Speaker 133 He doesn't care.

Speaker 67 It's mostly about the attitude.

Speaker 80 How do they, yeah, how do they act when they're grumpy? What are they

Speaker 124 just kind of not smiling a lot?

Speaker 31 Can you do an impression of a grumpy Asian woman that you would pee into?

Speaker 26 Just go for it.

Speaker 124 I mean, I'm not going to stretch my eyes out, but you don't have to do that.

Speaker 140 It's more about the voice than the attitude.

Speaker 155 Why are you talking to me?

Speaker 22 Go like that.

Speaker 143 Or, um,

Speaker 124 when it, why do you have boobs?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 Kick me, please.

Speaker 58 All right, this got weird.

Speaker 114 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 35 But it was a good set.

Speaker 110 You are the first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 27 Congratulations.

Speaker 17 Here's a big joke, Bub.

Speaker 33 And it has begun.

Speaker 17 There goes Jovan Abzali.

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Speaker 124 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 157 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 117 He's going the distance.

Speaker 131 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 48 When it started to change, it was quick. He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 158 Now, Charlie's sober.

Speaker 48 He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 157 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 48 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 157 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 131 Somebody call action.

Speaker 43 AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 17 Your next bucket full, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Sammy Blumenthal.

Speaker 34 Sammy Blumenthal.

Speaker 16 Here she is.

Speaker 145 Hey guys.

Speaker 82 Hey.

Speaker 145 This year I became a mom.

Speaker 145 Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much.
I've been trying to breastfeed, and he's having a really hard time latching.

Speaker 145 I just wish someone told me that would happen before I got the dog.

Speaker 145 I have a German shepherd, which is really empowering as a Jewish woman.

Speaker 145 I named him after my late great grandfather, 017694.

Speaker 145 Thank you. Thank you.
I love my dog. He just is really particular, like, especially when we go outside.
He takes so long. I'm like,

Speaker 145 come on, is this your spot? Is this your spot? Poop for me.

Speaker 145 Is this your spot? Is this your spot? Now I know how my ex felt every time he tried to make me calm, you know?

Speaker 143 Might take a long time.

Speaker 145 But now I get it, though. I get it.
I understand his perspective. So now when I try to get him to go quicker, I just go, shh, take your toy.

Speaker 101 Close your eyes.

Speaker 145 And pretend I'm literally anyone else. And he poops

Speaker 96 immediately.

Speaker 83 There it is, Sammy Blumenthal.

Speaker 24 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 81 Sammy, is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 145 My second time.

Speaker 83 Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Welcome back.

Speaker 128 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 113 A little over a year now.

Speaker 44 A little over a year.

Speaker 58 When was the last time you were on?

Speaker 145 Last December, and then it aired. It was like six weeks, and then it aired in January.
Six weeks? Yeah, five or something.

Speaker 145 There was like two recordings on a Monday and two recordings on a Tuesday, so it just took a while for it to come out.

Speaker 86 Yeah, that has nothing to do with the question that I'm going to do.

Speaker 145 I'm sorry.

Speaker 103 So December was when you were on the show.

Speaker 10 Yep, there we go.

Speaker 75 December.

Speaker 103 Took a long time for it to come out.

Speaker 153 Takes a long time, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Are Jewish.

Speaker 85 That confirms it right there.

Speaker 130 I did the show, but then it took like four weeks.

Speaker 10 You must have taken your first vacation in absolute years or something.

Speaker 41 Wow.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Sammy, for pointing that out for no reason.

Speaker 40 Took fucking two weeks in a row off.

Speaker 103 I got this Jew calling me out on it.

Speaker 62 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 40 All right.

Speaker 30 So, Sammy, that was fun.

Speaker 30 You've been doing stand-up for a year.

Speaker 2 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 145 I am a dietitian, but I took a year off. I was teaching preschool for a year, and I just had my last day on Friday.

Speaker 159 What made you do that?

Speaker 52 Being a dietician got hard when Ozempic came out?

Speaker 86 Exactly.

Speaker 75 Really?

Speaker 145 Yeah, no, it is hard because I definitely focus on, rather than weight loss, which is like a common thing that people ask me about, I focus on our relationship with food and like building and healing our relationship with food and body.

Speaker 145 So like...

Speaker 103 Let me introduce you to my friend Red Band here.

Speaker 112 There we go. Let's talk about it, Brian.

Speaker 75 Why don't I take a picture of this thing?

Speaker 6 Let's talk about your relationship with food.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 56 How would you do this?

Speaker 31 Let's say this guy comes in looking gray slash green.

Speaker 36 50.

Speaker 133 Right?

Speaker 133 What would you say to him?

Speaker 145 Yeah, so we did do this last time.

Speaker 160 Oh, we did?

Speaker 37 Wow.

Speaker 10 All right. Sorry.

Speaker 40 I'm a simple man.

Speaker 110 Okay. Have you ever saved somebody's life?

Speaker 41 Like, what's your greatest accomplishment from that job?

Speaker 145 Oh my god, from

Speaker 80 how much weight. Yeah, how much weight does someone lose?

Speaker 145 So that's the thing. I don't focus on weight.
That's what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 80 That seems like you don't do your job.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 145 That's why I took a year off. I couldn't help people lose weight.
I don't know.

Speaker 145 But my greatest accomplishment, I think, is like my favorite thing is like when a woman goes to the store and feels confident just like picking out a size.

Speaker 145 And it's not that like, it's like clothes, our body is not meant to fit clothes.

Speaker 101 Like, our clothes are meant to fit our body,

Speaker 80 Derek.

Speaker 80 Derek, now is time for you to speak up.

Speaker 136 I'm still stuck, like, yo, you let your dog suck your nipples, bro.

Speaker 16 Nasty, dude.

Speaker 44 I haven't moved from that.

Speaker 75 You nasty.

Speaker 160 That's nasty.

Speaker 80 She's trying to make all the white women thin.

Speaker 136 Attack her immediately.

Speaker 30 We're finding out what kind of porn Ari's actually into.

Speaker 31 I have a lot of explaining to do a German Shepherd on Jew girl Titsa.

Speaker 80 Oh,

Speaker 80 I like that joke about the number.

Speaker 150 Thank you.

Speaker 128 That was really good.

Speaker 75 That was really good.

Speaker 153 That was a good one.

Speaker 145 Thank you.

Speaker 145 His name is Topher.

Speaker 145 This is him. I got a tattoo of him.

Speaker 45 Oh, wow.

Speaker 145 I wanted to get it before he died so I could show him. You know, like, I just felt like it would be sad to get it afterwards.
Like, he sees it all the time.

Speaker 145 I don't think he knows what he's looking at, but but okay.

Speaker 6 All right, let's talk about your relationship with your dog.

Speaker 10 Yes, please.

Speaker 79 I love my dogs.

Speaker 145 I love him. People think that I love him too much.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 62 I wonder why.

Speaker 80 Why do they think that? Like, is there anything?

Speaker 145 Um, you know, I take him everywhere. He comes with me everywhere.

Speaker 145 That makes sense.

Speaker 111 Redpan on fire today.

Speaker 59 Does he ever get Does he ever get a little red rocket?

Speaker 145 Oh my god. No.

Speaker 88 No. It's not little.

Speaker 145 It is the biggest stick I've ever seen.

Speaker 112 Hit it again.

Speaker 12 Jeez.

Speaker 75 It is so big.

Speaker 80 Oh, my God. Does it look like that mic?

Speaker 79 No.

Speaker 145 If this mic was purple.

Speaker 79 Oh, it's dark.

Speaker 79 You got a black dog?

Speaker 118 That's incredible.

Speaker 104 You're having some real rough sex.

Speaker 75 Woof. Yeah.
There you go.

Speaker 127 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 80 So what happens when the dog gets hard? So So the dog has balls still?

Speaker 73 No, that I'm so confused.

Speaker 80 He gets hard without testicles. Yes.

Speaker 2 Around you?

Speaker 66 Sorry.

Speaker 127 Okay. I'm sorry.

Speaker 67 James. But he does.
He continues to get hard without balls.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Absolutely.

Speaker 141 Is there something that happens?

Speaker 6 Is there something that you do?

Speaker 161 Is it when you're cooking?

Speaker 7 Is it when you work?

Speaker 145 I mean, he loves when I use a shower in the oven. You know what I mean?

Speaker 85 Okay, let's stick with the real.

Speaker 35 When does he get hard?

Speaker 2 We want to know when the dog gets hard.

Speaker 27 We are genuinely concerned.

Speaker 145 It It just, it happens when I come home. He gets like really excited when I come home.

Speaker 82 Do you spit on it?

Speaker 62 That was Redban.

Speaker 118 All lawsuits go to Barion Redban for that one.

Speaker 51 Disgusting.

Speaker 40 Disgusting. So gross.
Do you spit on it?

Speaker 64 All right.

Speaker 151 So, Sammy, what's your love life actually like?

Speaker 161 You seem like a likable, pretty girl, but

Speaker 161 you seem like a cat lady that has a dog.

Speaker 145 Really? I'm like severely allergic to cats.

Speaker 108 No, but that's not what he was saying.

Speaker 62 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 80 The observation he made was poignant. It was

Speaker 80 meaning you have this like really intense attachment to an animal, but it might be difficult for you to have that attachment to human beings.

Speaker 39 Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 145 How did you know?

Speaker 80 Well, you were talking to us for about seven minutes. Yeah.

Speaker 80 You told us the exact color of your dog's cock. So

Speaker 80 we're like, there might be an issue here. So

Speaker 80 Tony's pretty good at this. He can get to the bottom of things.
Yeah.

Speaker 145 The question, what's my relation? What are my relationships?

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 82 I think you have trouble.

Speaker 62 That's just being evil.

Speaker 80 When was the last boyfriend?

Speaker 145 Well, here's the thing. I think.

Speaker 71 We don't need to do it.

Speaker 117 That's fine.

Speaker 145 It seems long. No, it's not long.
I'll summarize it.

Speaker 145 I think I'm a little gayer than I realize.

Speaker 29 Oh.

Speaker 39 She does.

Speaker 112 Support.

Speaker 75 Wow, that was very loud.

Speaker 91 Red Band's very excited about this.

Speaker 80 Thought twist, you do like cats.

Speaker 117 Let's go.

Speaker 75 Tell us more about this might be gayer than you thought thing. How does this happen?

Speaker 145 I like this. Yeah, so I remember being in like fifth grade, and I was looking at the clock in whatever class I was in, and I just asked myself, like, do I like girls? I don't know.

Speaker 145 It was just like the first thought in my head. What made you the clock?

Speaker 10 What is the clock after? I don't know.

Speaker 145 That's just what I remember. I was looking at when I was, like, asking myself that.
I feel really vulnerable, and my body feels uncomfortable right now as I'm talking about this, but that's okay.

Speaker 145 But then, every relationship I've been with and been in with a man, in the back of my head, it's like,

Speaker 145 I don't know what a relationship with a woman is like. I do not know.

Speaker 107 Have you ever gone on a date with a girl?

Speaker 75 I have. Have you ever hooked up with a girl?

Speaker 19 um i have do you have video of it red band red band you are misbehaving tonight you're out of control this is a professional show almost there red band this is a professional almost there

Speaker 83 she was gonna tell us all about it we respect women and we don't do that okay take us do you have video of it um all right i'm kidding so no so the first time i

Speaker 145 went down on a lady i oh you looked at you you've you've had intercourse with a woman. What does that look like, though? I still don't know what that looks like.

Speaker 12 You'll have to

Speaker 80 like, what does it look like when you go down on the girl?

Speaker 145 I threw up, so I don't know.

Speaker 16 No, no, you didn't.

Speaker 103 You're making a joke.

Speaker 90 I swear to God. You went down on a girl and you threw up?

Speaker 10 Yes. Oh, this is epic.

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 118 So this is unbelievable. Yeah.

Speaker 107 I'm one of the greatest interviewers in podcast history.

Speaker 56 How did we get here?

Speaker 62 Yes.

Speaker 83 Did we get here?

Speaker 145 Yeah,

Speaker 145 I did do that.

Speaker 90 What made you throw up?

Speaker 24 How old was it?

Speaker 166 What was the stop?

Speaker 145 So the reason.

Speaker 167 Take us step by step throughout the night.

Speaker 90 Did you go to a movie?

Speaker 167 Did you have dinner? What happened here?

Speaker 145 We were just hanging out at her apartment.

Speaker 127 Okay.

Speaker 145 And the

Speaker 90 friend?

Speaker 145 Yeah, I knew her since I was 12 years old.

Speaker 2 Perfect.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 50 And you're hanging out at the apartment. What are you guys doing?

Speaker 103 What are you doing?

Speaker 80 How old was she when you were 12?

Speaker 75 Also 12. Okay, good.

Speaker 110 Like we were both 12.

Speaker 79 Just making sure.

Speaker 145 But this didn't happen when we were 12.

Speaker 90 Of course.

Speaker 80 That would be gross. Right.

Speaker 69 No, but you guys are grown up. You're hanging out.

Speaker 109 It's just the two of you.

Speaker 52 You're in her place doing girly things. What are you guys doing?

Speaker 6 Like the dishes?

Speaker 162 Terrible. Oh, my God.
Terrible.

Speaker 162 I'm sorry.

Speaker 101 No, it's okay.

Speaker 145 You don't have to apologize.

Speaker 101 It's okay.

Speaker 145 No, we were just like hanging out and talking. And it was like, oh, this feels like, this feels safe.
Like, feeling safe during sex is an important thing.

Speaker 145 So if you learned anything here today, make sure you feel safe

Speaker 112 during sex.

Speaker 109 And then, keep going.

Speaker 79 And then, yeah.

Speaker 145 So

Speaker 145 we were kissing and it felt nice.

Speaker 145 And then I was like, oh, can I go down on you? And then...

Speaker 67 You went straight to that?

Speaker 110 Did you really feel in her boobs and stuff?

Speaker 83 I was touching her.

Speaker 75 You got to feel

Speaker 75 straight from the floor you go.

Speaker 112 Like, yeah, kissing like this.

Speaker 32 Can I go down on you?

Speaker 77 Okay. Hold on.

Speaker 101 Yeah, no, I.

Speaker 87 Yeah, you have to go around the bases.

Speaker 18 You can't cut from first to third across the pitcher's mound.

Speaker 9 Retard little leaf.

Speaker 137 Let's go.

Speaker 97 Let's go.

Speaker 28 Let's go. Let's go.

Speaker 80 Okay, okay. So you go, you ask her, you ask her, you go, can I go down on you?

Speaker 96 And she goes, yes, please.

Speaker 80 These are jokes. These are jokes.

Speaker 65 We're not going to talk about her disabled friend like that.

Speaker 80 You've known him since she's 12.

Speaker 10 Yes, tell us the real.

Speaker 145 So this is real, like, this is really what happened.

Speaker 109 Tell us what's real.

Speaker 145 We love it. So at the time, at the time, this is...

Speaker 145 Okay, so

Speaker 145 I was in a relationship with a guy during the time and we said, no, stop. And he said,

Speaker 145 we decided to be like in an open relationship, okay?

Speaker 145 And so I felt uncomfortable doing it because I didn't tell him where I'd be before. But I was on the show last time and I told you a story that I got home and I saw videos of my ex

Speaker 145 while wearing my clothes.

Speaker 58 That's right.

Speaker 136 I was trying to out gay him?

Speaker 145 I was just trying to out gay him. But that's like context to the story that like.

Speaker 80 Hold on, that's the craziest revenge I've ever heard of in my entire life.

Speaker 2 This is true.

Speaker 80 You're gay. I'll show you fucking gay.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 19 I now remember your appearance on this show.

Speaker 107 Yes, yes.

Speaker 53 You had a boyfriend that you found.

Speaker 142 Remind us, it was a video?

Speaker 163 Multiple.

Speaker 62 Right.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 142 you're getting a guitar change yeah yeah d madness has to go famous homophobe de madness he gets too gay

Speaker 115 de madness takes a break we found out what porn he's into

Speaker 6 so you found out your boyfriend's gay even though you're in an open relationship you say no way and then you're hanging out with your girlfriend well

Speaker 168 my friend He's a girl.

Speaker 79 Right.

Speaker 145 And girl things. And then, no, but I think I threw up because I felt...
felt like

Speaker 103 slow it down.

Speaker 78 Before the vomit. Before the vomit, because we want to paint a picture here a little bit.

Speaker 10 Are you on a couch, a bed?

Speaker 2 Bed.

Speaker 103 And you guys are both naked or she just took her pants off?

Speaker 128 What's going on?

Speaker 145 We are both naked.

Speaker 83 But naked.

Speaker 53 And she hasn't done anything to you.

Speaker 145 No.

Speaker 130 And you go between her legs.

Speaker 127 How long do you think you're there about?

Speaker 64 How long do you lie?

Speaker 145 I'd say like three minutes and then I vomited.

Speaker 30 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 27 And you're like, you go straight, so three minutes of just straight licking, kind of?

Speaker 11 No.

Speaker 145 Talking, checking in.

Speaker 127 Oh,

Speaker 2 that's such lesbian bullshit.

Speaker 2 You get all the way down there, and you're like, tell me again about your day.

Speaker 65 Looking from fucking above her belly button.

Speaker 80 Hold on.

Speaker 80 So you checked in.

Speaker 90 What is that like?

Speaker 145 How does this feel?

Speaker 75 Ooh, wow.

Speaker 10 How's it going?

Speaker 19 All the shit the ladies love.

Speaker 80 Yeah, so you wanted the feedback, you wanted to know you were doing a good job.

Speaker 145 I need feedback. If you're if you are silent while we were being while we are being intimate, like I can't, like, I will leave.
Like, I need to know what is going on. I need communication.

Speaker 169 What about sounds, though?

Speaker 124 Like,

Speaker 169 you know, positive sounds.

Speaker 66 Like, you don't have to talk.

Speaker 101 Red Man's only heard people have sex before.

Speaker 56 Well, like, the reason we...

Speaker 87 We actually do have

Speaker 118 a sound of Red Band having sex.

Speaker 50 I'm just kidding. That's after Tom Segura broke his arm.

Speaker 26 He made this.

Speaker 19 So play it one more time.

Speaker 85 It's not sex.

Speaker 81 Tom Segura broke his arm playing basketball.

Speaker 39 Okay, back to it.

Speaker 103 So you're down there, you're talking, you're asking questions while swiping your tongue randomly and then checking back in again.

Speaker 80 She's not making any sounds at all.

Speaker 145 I don't. I just, yes, we're talking.
Like we're having a conversation.

Speaker 80 Is she making like sounds of pleasure? Like,

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 80 Is that a sound of pleasure to you?

Speaker 145 Yeah. Sometimes, but then I need you to elaborate.

Speaker 74 What?

Speaker 145 I need you to elaborate. Like, if, because the thing is, is when I've been in like a sexual experience and I'm making sounds, sometimes it's like performative.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 145 It's like, and I'm also a woman and I've been, I mean, yeah, I've been, yes, I'm a woman.

Speaker 83 So you got in your head.

Speaker 90 You got in your head a little bit.

Speaker 145 Yes, because I know what it's like to be a woman. And when a man's down there, it's just like, mm-mm, and like, I'm hating it, and I'm not, like, speaking up for myself.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 83 Clap for that.

Speaker 13 No, no, no, no. Don't do the, don't do that.

Speaker 32 Hold on.

Speaker 53 Okay, so let's keep going.

Speaker 17 Let's keep going. You can't tell them to do something.

Speaker 40 So sorry. They're going to turn on you.

Speaker 145 I'm sorry.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 86 So let's get to the vomit part.

Speaker 118 What happens?

Speaker 145 Okay, so I'm down there and I think I just started thinking about my situation, my like relationship situation and like how uncomfortable that I was in that situation and how I feel uncomfortable in this situation so what ended up happening is that I just threw up did you throw up in between her legs no I did get up and go to the bathroom

Speaker 80 did you check in with her on how she felt after that

Speaker 80 because that must have destroyed her

Speaker 80 You went down on her for three minutes and then you projectile vomited into a bathroom.

Speaker 130 Do you think she could hear you vomiting?

Speaker 11 Oh, she knew.

Speaker 145 She was asking, like, she was checking in on how I was feeling.

Speaker 16 Oh, my God.

Speaker 145 But I did feel bad because that was her first experience. And, like, I don't

Speaker 79 know. And her last.

Speaker 145 And her last. Yeah.

Speaker 103 Time to go back to school, I guess.

Speaker 130 Redband, you are really.

Speaker 30 That makes no sense.

Speaker 9 No wonder you fuck dogs now.

Speaker 75 You traumatized, bro.

Speaker 137 Traumatized.

Speaker 80 Yeah,

Speaker 80 that's a tough one to rebound from for her, not for you, for her.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 80 Like, imagine what she's going through the next guy or girl that she hooks up with.

Speaker 67 Yeah, it's like very rarely is there a case of bulimia after that kind of eating out.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 80 What's her Instagram?

Speaker 124 Not doing that.

Speaker 104 You have an eating out disorder.

Speaker 145 That's funny.

Speaker 80 Could you put it into my phone so I just see what the Instagram is? I just need to see what this girl looks like. Yeah.

Speaker 88 Oh, I like this.

Speaker 80 Can you put it into Derek's phone, actually?

Speaker 94 I have a wife and kid, man.

Speaker 136 You can't be looking at these garbage pussy bitches.

Speaker 80 Like, this is grace.

Speaker 94 This is insanity.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 119 Red Band already follows her.

Speaker 20 How exciting.

Speaker 145 She's beautiful. Like, she's lovely.

Speaker 101 Just hold her profile picture. Hold on.

Speaker 11 All right. No, stop it.

Speaker 101 Oh, wow.

Speaker 71 Wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 145 Yes, she's gorgeous.

Speaker 2 She's stunning.

Speaker 160 What does she do?

Speaker 145 She works in sales.

Speaker 29 Okay.

Speaker 143 All right.

Speaker 128 Well, Sammy, what size joke book did you get last?

Speaker 145 I did get a big one. There you go.
Yeah, thank you so much.

Speaker 162 There she goes.

Speaker 19 Sammy Blumenthal. How fun.

Speaker 24 Long interview.

Speaker 17 Very fun.

Speaker 114 Oh, no.

Speaker 87 All right.

Speaker 130 Let's keep it moving along. We're having fun here.

Speaker 69 There goes Sammy Blumenthal.

Speaker 52 And on to the next one we go.

Speaker 19 Will Hunsinger.

Speaker 147 Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody.

Speaker 50 Come on, guys.

Speaker 108 Make some noise for Will.

Speaker 115 Happy, happy Black History Month, everybody. We made it through it.

Speaker 115 It got me thinking about all the different color barriers that have been crossed, Jackie Robinson, all these great people. I was thinking, I wish there were more black serial killers.

Speaker 115 I think it would be kind of fun, you know? Because to be honest with you right now, how fun would Science of the Lambs have been if that guy was like, put the cocoa butter in the basket?

Speaker 87 That would have been pretty good.

Speaker 115 The cops are trying to figure it out.

Speaker 98 Like, there's a bunch of thick white women going missing.

Speaker 83 I wonder who it could be.

Speaker 115 All right, I see scared white faces in here. I don't like that at all.
You guys all looked at the band to see if you could laugh. I don't like that.
All right.

Speaker 115 I'll give you this olive branch at least. You know, if he was eating those girls, at least they'd be properly seasoned.

Speaker 90 That's fair.

Speaker 115 So, listen to me. Jeffrey Dahlmer, that dude was from Wisconsin.
That food was bland as fuck, okay?

Speaker 115 But Jayvon Dahmer,

Speaker 99 invite me to the cookout.

Speaker 115 All right, I'll eat a white bitch's foot if you put it with cornbread. That's soul food, you guys.

Speaker 2 That's soul food.

Speaker 120 All right, that's my time.

Speaker 89 Will Hun Singer.

Speaker 160 Everybody, welcome, Will.

Speaker 81 This is your first time on the show, right?

Speaker 24 Yeah, yeah, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 128 How long have you been with stand-up?

Speaker 115 Five years. Five years?

Speaker 129 Yes, sir.

Speaker 75 Love it. Where at?

Speaker 115 I just moved here from Las Vegas.

Speaker 58 Las Vegas?

Speaker 86 That's where you're originally from?

Speaker 153 I grew up in Ohio, actually.

Speaker 115 What part of Ohio?

Speaker 3 Menor, by Cleveland.

Speaker 82 Okay. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 58 D-Madness is back, everybody.

Speaker 153 Oh, there we go.

Speaker 55 Okay.

Speaker 55 And what do you do for work, Will?

Speaker 172 I work for the guy.

Speaker 115 I'm an aerospace engineer.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 115 Don't move for that shit. Don't do that.

Speaker 27 What exactly do you do as an aerospace engineer?

Speaker 115 Well, I work for the guy. Can I not talk about that particularly?

Speaker 2 Because I just work for the guy.

Speaker 85 You don't have to say who you work for.

Speaker 105 You're the one that chose to say that.

Speaker 80 Now we want to know what the fuck you're up to.

Speaker 136 No, but it's just like, I don't want to lose my shit.

Speaker 9 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 80 You decided to come on the show.

Speaker 115 Nothing.

Speaker 115 I used to work for a company that made jet engines.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 115 So I was an operations manager, and then I worked for a company that made titanium for jet engines. And then we did engine overhaul and a bunch of shit like that.

Speaker 80 And then you stopped doing that and sued Blake Lively.

Speaker 80 Stupid. You fucking idiot.

Speaker 109 Will Hun Singer.

Speaker 10 He's innocent, Bob.

Speaker 136 That motherfucker's handsome.

Speaker 96 He didn't do it. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 10 He didn't do it.

Speaker 101 That's not a roast.

Speaker 115 It's a comrade. I appreciate it.
Yeah, you're a good listener.

Speaker 3 Thank you, man.

Speaker 24 Appreciate it. You too.

Speaker 6 Will, let me just cut to the chase here.

Speaker 103 We just had a girl on here who went down on a girl once and vomited.

Speaker 128 Do you have anything in your life that interesting that's ever happened?

Speaker 101 Anything like that?

Speaker 115 I haven't fucked any animals at all.

Speaker 69 No, nobody said that.

Speaker 87 Nothing that bad. No.
Nobody said that.

Speaker 115 We all danced around it for a while. There was a lot of dog fucking, a lot of vomiting.
No, I don't think I've had anybody. I've had a woman bite my penis, and

Speaker 115 that was tough. That was tough.
She was an older lady.

Speaker 104 How old?

Speaker 146 Like 44, I think.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 32 How old were you at the time?

Speaker 78 24. Wow.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 115 It was tough because she scraped it and then it made it hard to stay hard, you know. And then you put the condom on, and that stings, and then you put it in.
And then it's like,

Speaker 166 it's hard to stay hard when your dick's scraped.

Speaker 115 You know what I mean?

Speaker 115 And then a 44-year-old woman, if your dick goes soft, she just calls you a f.

Speaker 115 So like, yeah, that's kind of what you're stuck with. They get insulted.
They don't be like, hey, you've hurt me. And they're like, I don't give a shit.
You're gay. Like, that's...

Speaker 115 Yeah, so, yeah, that was a tough one. But yeah, nothing that awful.
I haven't had to throw up before. I mean, that sounds terrifying.

Speaker 124 But

Speaker 115 have you thrown up on a woman before?

Speaker 75 No, no, no.

Speaker 10 So what do you do for fun?

Speaker 103 Do you have any hobbies or anything like that?

Speaker 115 I train jiu-jitsu. I do that.
I play a little guitar here and there. Nothing too crazy.

Speaker 108 You play guitar?

Speaker 2 Not as well as some of the people who have been on here.

Speaker 153 Do not do that.

Speaker 67 Of course, they're professional musicians.

Speaker 50 How often do you play guitar?

Speaker 115 Oh, just a few times a week here and there.

Speaker 142 How many years have you played guitar for?

Speaker 174 Oh, like two or three.

Speaker 153 Nothing crazy. Yeah, just

Speaker 115 for fun. Just doing that.
But jiu-jitsu, I've been doing that for like five, six years. I trained a lot in Vegas.
I got to train with a lot of professional MMA guys and stuff. It was pretty cool.

Speaker 115 Got to train like a UFCPI and all that. So that was kind of tight.

Speaker 75 But you don't fight?

Speaker 115 No, no, I'll get brain damage. I don't want that.

Speaker 153 I'm good. I got the engineering gig.
I don't get it.

Speaker 61 I'm not sure I'm an engineer.

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah. But no, yeah, just training that.
And then, like, I trained with like Sean Strickland. That was pretty cool.

Speaker 52 Craziest thing you saw while living in Las Vegas all those years.

Speaker 115 Fucking shit, man. Man, I've seen people get hit by cars, seen people lose their entire livelihoods.
I don't know. Vegas was a weird town.
It was a weird place to live.

Speaker 115 It was a shell shock going from Ohio because it's just everything everywhere all the time. Just people losing their goddamn minds every day.
You're not supposed to live there.

Speaker 115 That's not a place you're supposed to live. That city's full of pieces of shit.
It is. It's just full of scum.

Speaker 115 All the scum of the country just washes in there you were there you were part of it yeah yeah

Speaker 115 yeah i got shit yeah living with it it was it was fucking wild dude you just you see everybody getting over divorces together and it's sad it's fucking rough it's just dudes on trt and omnia just fucking just trying to get 20 year old pussy and it's it's a fucking war zone but yeah i don't know i i yeah i i craziest fun fact about your whole life will maybe it's about your family maybe it's something that's happened to you anything i had a bad mushroom trip that was pretty scary i uh i lost my mind and thought my friends were trying to kill me and i punched my best friend in the face whoa yeah that was bad

Speaker 115 yeah i was in uh sedona arizona and i was supposed to be like the spirit guide for my buddies you were supposed to be the spirit guide yes wait what who the made you the spirit guy i did a lot of drugs in college and we got drug tested all the way through for engineering so i could never smoke weed or anything so i just did acid all the time it was the first time i ever got high so that was cool like i got like i did acid a fuckload and then I was like, cool, we're all going to do mushrooms out in Sedona.

Speaker 115 That'll be a fun time. And then my buddy sold me this, like, they're called albino penis envy.
They're like the strongest mushrooms known to man. And then I lost my fucking mind.
And then

Speaker 115 I was just in there and I thought all my friends were trying to kill me. So I got all defensive.
And then I squared up and just rocked my buddy. And then three people tackled me.
And then they

Speaker 115 got away from them. I ran.
They tore my shirt off me. This is like two o'clock in the afternoon.

Speaker 75 And then

Speaker 115 just in a suburban neighborhood, ran down the street, running for my life, fell into a cactus, bleeding everywhere.

Speaker 115 And then I was on that level of high where you think like the whole thing's a video game and you have to get out and you have to go to another fucking level.

Speaker 115 So then I went to a house and I went to open a stranger's house.

Speaker 153 Oh, God.

Speaker 115 And I was probably like as close as you are to me to the doorway. And then my friends were like, yo.
And I turned around, like, we got to go home. And I was like, oh, shit.

Speaker 115 And then they corralled me back home and I lost my mind for 12 more hours on the couch.

Speaker 88 12 hours? Yes.

Speaker 115 It was bad. I dissociated for probably like three months after that.

Speaker 6 And the buddy that you punched, he was on mushrooms too, right?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 115 He, from his perspective, I walked downstairs like the Terminator and then just squared up and fucking rocked him.

Speaker 27 Imagine that.

Speaker 103 Imagine you see your spirit guide coming down the stairs.

Speaker 63 You're tripping your balls off and you're like, oh, oh, he's back.

Speaker 118 Oh, great. Yeah.
What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we rocked him pretty good.

Speaker 115 The training's been paying off. It worked good.
But yeah, and then yeah, I watched that.

Speaker 115 You guys seen like Everywhere, Everything, All Once Whatever, that movie that shit like helped me get out of the loop that I was in because I'd have those moments where I was just like none of this is real It's all a projection and then I'm having it right now.

Speaker 153 It's weird, but uh it was

Speaker 115 Yeah, and that movie like checked me back out of it and that was good I've been chill since but I've not touched any psychedelics since that shit for safety purposes but

Speaker 75 Perfect

Speaker 129 Perfect

Speaker 142 Well, Will, thanks for signing up.

Speaker 30 Fun times.

Speaker 142 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 112 Here's a little joke book to.

Speaker 10 Oh my goodness. Wow.

Speaker 129 This guy's a

Speaker 81 jujitsu.

Speaker 149 He catches like a jiu-jitsu guy.

Speaker 175 Good night, itchy eyes. Good night, sudden sneeze.
Good night to your symptoms of allergies. Xyzole is the allergy medicine you take before bed.
It provides powerful relief while you rest your head.

Speaker 175 Not just all night, but all the next day. Xyzole keeps working, keeping allergies at bay.

Speaker 175 And without those annoying symptoms symptoms disturbing your rest, you can wake up the next morning feeling your absolute best.

Speaker 58 Remember, be wise all takes Zyzole at night.

Speaker 176 New Icy Hot.

Speaker 177 Nighttime Recovery relieves pain at nighttime while your body recovers.

Speaker 178 Icy Hot, you're so back.

Speaker 41 What's going on over there?

Speaker 101 Michael, what's happening?

Speaker 112 What is going on together, dude?

Speaker 151 What's happening?

Speaker 59 Let me just tell you, Michael, you have no idea how replaceable you are.

Speaker 87 Wait a second.

Speaker 135 Oh my god.

Speaker 17 A legend of the game.

Speaker 102 Who would have guessed?

Speaker 32 Joel Bird Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen, the original Kill Tony drummer is visiting.

Speaker 50 Switch it up.

Speaker 87 There they go.

Speaker 32 From one, this is it.

Speaker 31 Mexicans taking Mexicans' jobs.

Speaker 26 Make some noise for Joel Berg Joel Jimenez, everybody.

Speaker 22 A lot of you probably are newer fans.

Speaker 32 Bandwagon fans.

Speaker 24 Joel has traveled the world as a kill Tony drummer.

Speaker 19 Somebody call ice on this motherfucker.

Speaker 50 When Joel Berg says a funny, everybody chants Joel Berg. You guys get it?

Speaker 58 Go Joel Berg.

Speaker 2 You'll get it.

Speaker 52 He's very funny.

Speaker 50 How about one more time for Joel Berg Joel Jimenez?

Speaker 21 With Jetsky Jesse Johnson.

Speaker 149 It's all J's.

Speaker 39 That's six J's.

Speaker 27 Jetsky Jesse Johnson and Joelberg Joel Jimenez.

Speaker 50 That's crazy. I've never noticed that before.

Speaker 62 What?

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're saying.

Speaker 91 Oh my god.

Speaker 130 Sometimes I wish we had another camera and mic so that you guys could see the retarded show that I deal with listening to Red Band say things next to me.

Speaker 12 Look at those jugs.

Speaker 62 What's wrong with you?

Speaker 74 This guy's out of control tonight.

Speaker 64 Why would you say that?

Speaker 114 All right.

Speaker 75 Indeed.

Speaker 83 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Brian Smith, everybody.

Speaker 15 Make some noise for Brian Smith.

Speaker 99 Keep it going for the best band in the entire fucking world, guys.

Speaker 99 Oh, man. So I don't do a lot of race jokes,

Speaker 99 but when I do, I want to make sure a certain percentage of the audience laughs. I call it the three-fifths compromise.

Speaker 100 A lot of people read history here.

Speaker 99 So, I

Speaker 99 like, I still like Michael Jackson's music. I try to separate the monster from the artist.
Had a little fun thought experiment the other day.

Speaker 99 What if the only part of Michael Jackson's body he didn't bleach was his asshole?

Speaker 99 Do you think that's how he got the kids in the van?

Speaker 99 It's like, oh, I got a little Hershey's kiss back here. Come on.

Speaker 98 Could you imagine being seven years old?

Speaker 99 You're at Neverland Ranch, meeting your hero. You've been playing Gallagher all day.

Speaker 99 And then Michael Jackson's like, come on back. I want to show you something.
He bends over at the waist and spreads his ass cheeks. And it's like, white guy, white guy, white guy, Luther Van Dross.

Speaker 94 White guy, white guy, white guy.

Speaker 99 My name is Brian Smith. Thank you so much.

Speaker 123 Oh my god.

Speaker 75 Holy shit.

Speaker 11 Thank you. What the fuck?

Speaker 80 That was crazy, dude.

Speaker 37 That was

Speaker 167 fucking absolutely nuts.

Speaker 71 Thank you, I think.

Speaker 82 Oh, God.

Speaker 99 Brian. In my defense, I'm real out of shape and had to run across the street, which is the most running I've ever done.

Speaker 104 You had to run?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't think you had to run.

Speaker 71 I don't think

Speaker 53 they make it so that you have to sprint?

Speaker 2 Right. Right.
No, definitely not.

Speaker 98 I had to lightly jog.

Speaker 10 But who told you that?

Speaker 152 Dusty.

Speaker 50 Somebody told you to lightly jog?

Speaker 99 Yeah, he was just moving very quickly, and I had to do that to keep up.

Speaker 2 He was walking.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 34 It took a while to get there, but we found out he walked here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 144 Just making sure we would never make somebody lightly jog, especially somebody that already looks like they've been boiled today.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 101 Fucking guy.

Speaker 20 I've never met a rotisserie human before.

Speaker 101 This is absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 35 I mean, what is that?

Speaker 85 What's up with you?

Speaker 99 Probably high blood pressure and a lot of drinking, Tony.

Speaker 9 Okay. Thank you.

Speaker 50 That's a special kind of pink.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 128 Some people refer to me as red sometimes, but that is that's a special color.

Speaker 10 I'm never that color.

Speaker 110 Yeah, it turns out it gets worse the older you get.

Speaker 3 How old are you?

Speaker 88 38.

Speaker 26 The youngest person on the stage, everybody,

Speaker 83 is the guy that looks like our grandmother.

Speaker 109 Holy shit.

Speaker 83 This is fucking wild.

Speaker 9 38 years old.

Speaker 70 38. What the fuck have you been?

Speaker 83 What happened to you?

Speaker 112 39.

Speaker 110 Joel, you're 39?

Speaker 10 30.

Speaker 76 Look at that.

Speaker 112 Joel looks 20 years younger than me.

Speaker 99 I wasn't blessed enough to be born with melanin, so I'm just hideously drunk all the time.

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 114 So, hold on.

Speaker 160 What do you...

Speaker 16 Fuck.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 80 Joel, you look like you've been hanging upside down for three days.

Speaker 80 I don't think there's any blood in the rest of his body.

Speaker 148 It is true.

Speaker 75 Probably isn't, honestly.

Speaker 42 This is incredible.

Speaker 133 Thank you.

Speaker 81 Do you ever exercise? No.

Speaker 167 That's why you thought.

Speaker 99 That's not entirely true.

Speaker 50 That's why you thought walking fast was jogging?

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 138 Right.

Speaker 151 What kind of exercise have you?

Speaker 99 Every now and again I get really, really baked and do yard karate. You look baked.

Speaker 76 Bryant Smith.

Speaker 101 Thank you.

Speaker 110 Can we see some of your yard karate?

Speaker 81 I'm obsessed with this idea. Put the mic in the mic, Stan.

Speaker 14 I know you've got a lot of exercise in already today.

Speaker 118 I did. And here it is.

Speaker 20 Give me some karate music.

Speaker 55 It's fucking anything. Yep, there you go.

Speaker 109 That's really?

Speaker 52 That's your...

Speaker 119 That's your...

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 19 One of the horn players kinds of gets it.

Speaker 48 Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. That's enough.
And the slow romantic fucking music, guys.

Speaker 10 Can I get some karate?

Speaker 99 Anyone got a fucking, like,

Speaker 99 What's the thing you take if you have an inhaler?

Speaker 83 Very good.

Speaker 71 Thank you.

Speaker 91 brian stick with me here what do you

Speaker 99 what do you do for work i got fired on wednesday

Speaker 75 okay you do look like you've been on a on fire right okay what did you get fired from uh i got fired from t-mobile

Speaker 57 What did you do to get fired from T-Mobile exactly?

Speaker 99 So one of my coworkers and I had this game we like to play called Get AIDS.

Speaker 99 And so we would take a post-it note that said get AIDS on it and hide it around our store and our boss found it and I got blamed.

Speaker 171 Why did you get blamed?

Speaker 99 Because I told my boss to get AIDS like earlier that week.

Speaker 50 What do you mean you told your boss to get AIDS?

Speaker 99 I disagreed with the decision she made and I told her to get AIDS.

Speaker 56 What was the decision that she made exactly?

Speaker 133 I want to know the behind the scenes where I believe it or not, I'm a T-Mobile guy. I like T-Mobile.

Speaker 2 I stand by T-Mobile.

Speaker 14 They use everybody's satellites.

Speaker 167 You get free Wi-Fi on flights.

Speaker 9 Believe it or not.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 9 T-Mobile. I am loyal to the soil.

Speaker 99 No, I love the company, but no, she was trying to get us to do like a stupid report at the end of every day, and it was stupid and for no reason. So I told her to get AIDS.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 145 Okay. Do you think you got a little hot-headed?

Speaker 136 Just keep three

Speaker 136 tonight.

Speaker 68 So,

Speaker 2 what are you going to do?

Speaker 133 Do you have money saved up?

Speaker 99 Yeah, I've got a little nest egg. My rent's paid up through April.
And

Speaker 133 how much is in the nest egg? I'm always...

Speaker 99 After drinking at poor choices tonight, a lot less, but

Speaker 90 it's like $1,400.

Speaker 18 $1,400 in the nest egg.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 139 It's funny you have a nest egg because you have fucking chicken skin, dude.

Speaker 98 God damn.

Speaker 145 Yeah, who laid that egg? A red robin?

Speaker 101 Oh my

Speaker 83 God.

Speaker 40 We are back.

Speaker 25 Joel Berg and Jetsky passing the ball back and forth.

Speaker 49 Shades of 2016, 17, 18, 19.

Speaker 8 Unbelievable.

Speaker 4 Unbelievable.

Speaker 3 Oh, thank you, Brian. You're welcome.

Speaker 133 Tell us something crazy about your life.

Speaker 44 You are an odd bird indeed.

Speaker 12 True.

Speaker 103 I can't imagine.

Speaker 99 So I went through a breakup last month that was pretty bad.

Speaker 10 Oh, I bet you.

Speaker 19 You did.

Speaker 50 Let's talk about that.

Speaker 99 And believe it or not, I did the breaking up.

Speaker 145 I think you mean breaking out.

Speaker 120 Okay.

Speaker 99 God damn.

Speaker 167 You do have a little bit of, what would we call that?

Speaker 9 What do we call that?

Speaker 10 Adult acne?

Speaker 90 Adult acne, yeah.

Speaker 10 Okay, so you've always had it.

Speaker 99 I can't afford a fucking doctor.

Speaker 44 Right.

Speaker 99 No, I've had it for, it's been like 10 years. It's been bad.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Is there something that you do?

Speaker 2 Do you dip your face in a deep fryer or something?

Speaker 27 We're trying to, there's got to be some type of habit that happens.

Speaker 19 Scared of soap?

Speaker 26 We all drink quite a bit.

Speaker 71 We all have fun.

Speaker 99 I'm pretty sure mine is, I used to work like outdoors and I thought sunscreen was gay.

Speaker 114 Right.

Speaker 114 Right.

Speaker 99 And that'll do it every time white people.

Speaker 75 So again.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 28 All right. So let's go back to this break.

Speaker 10 All right.

Speaker 68 Yeah. So how long were you with this girl for?

Speaker 99 We were together about nine, ten months. Okay.

Speaker 99 Pretty long relationship.

Speaker 70 Did she look like you?

Speaker 78 I feel like she looked like you.

Speaker 150 Kind of, yeah, actually.

Speaker 20 Glasses a little bit.

Speaker 140 Glasses a little bit big.

Speaker 83 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 29 Yep, perfect. Yeah.

Speaker 111 Bigger than me.

Speaker 75 Okay, there you go.

Speaker 131 I like him large.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 51 But yeah,

Speaker 51 we

Speaker 94 got in a huge fight.

Speaker 75 Hold on, Andrew.

Speaker 65 Yeah, once I know what's on Andrew's list.

Speaker 96 What do you mean you like him large?

Speaker 99 I like him. Fucking 5'62.50.

Speaker 74 Let's go.

Speaker 77 Okay, I got it, got it, got it, got it.

Speaker 63 5'6, 250.

Speaker 128 Red Band has entered the chat.

Speaker 37 This is incredible.

Speaker 87 Yo necessito una torta.

Speaker 91 Wow, okay.

Speaker 80 I love the confidence.

Speaker 80 I love how you think it's like your decision.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 80 You think this is all by your design. A great man once said, you eat what you could hunt.

Speaker 82 And I need him to be slow.

Speaker 113 You saw me run over here earlier.

Speaker 68 Okay, so let's talk about the breakup. Yeah,

Speaker 67 where does it happen at?

Speaker 9 Are you at a restaurant?

Speaker 99 It was via text.

Speaker 88 Oh,

Speaker 88 T-Mobile.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 154 Okay.

Speaker 99 Putting my service to the most test.

Speaker 145 Did you leave her on red?

Speaker 24 Unbelievable.

Speaker 25 Put those jet skis in the air, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 138 She is on fire.

Speaker 101 Oh

Speaker 91 my God.

Speaker 101 Holy shit.

Speaker 112 Jet ski

Speaker 82 Johnson on tour.

Speaker 75 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 82 JetskyJohnson.com.

Speaker 84 Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle.

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 107 Back to the breakup.

Speaker 75 Back to the breakup.

Speaker 104 Okay.

Speaker 99 So yeah, we got in a huge fight.

Speaker 3 What was the fight about?

Speaker 10 Let me guess.

Speaker 39 You told her to get AIDS. Yeah.

Speaker 99 No, what was the fight about uh the fight was about we uh had like had a disagreement about some money and then she expected me to read her mind and then started acting like a teenager so i was like no i'm cutting it loose like she started like being like vague booking about it and shit and i was like now we're done okay how much money were you guys arguing over like 40 bucks

Speaker 130 10 months of your life yeah a woman that really liked you and you're willing to burn it all down to the ground.

Speaker 99 I could do better.

Speaker 118 All right.

Speaker 35 I love that you think that.

Speaker 83 I know.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 51 But

Speaker 99 she also, like, during that time, she was bipolar and went off her meds at the same time. Said the most heinous thing I've ever had anyone tell me to.

Speaker 99 I've been trying to sign up for the show a lot, been here twice. She said, You're not funny enough to make it, but you are ugly enough to make it on Kill Tony, so good luck.

Speaker 169 Oh, an honest woman.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 94 You're right. I should call her.

Speaker 99 I should call her.

Speaker 160 Okay.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 118 Well, was that it?

Speaker 60 Just the breakup?

Speaker 99 Yeah, the breakup, the losing my job, the very heavy bender I've been on since Wednesday.

Speaker 56 When you say heavy bender, before I let you go, when you say heavy bender,

Speaker 42 paint the picture for us.

Speaker 71 What's a heavy bender to you?

Speaker 10 A A 30.

Speaker 99 I start drinking at like 11 in the morning.

Speaker 75 Oh my God, what do you start with?

Speaker 99 Miller Light usually or Lone Star.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 133 How many of those do you go through?

Speaker 6 Do you switch to liquor at some point?

Speaker 99 Yeah, around 1

Speaker 75 p.m.

Speaker 12 Oh shit.

Speaker 26 Oh shit.

Speaker 110 And you were drinking while working at T-Mobile, obviously?

Speaker 71 No, I don't drink at work.

Speaker 44 Oh, wow.

Speaker 104 Except for this job.

Speaker 99 Except for doing comedy.

Speaker 99 But no, I don't drink at work. But yeah, I would get off of work at like three, four in the afternoon, come home,

Speaker 90 and a little shot.

Speaker 68 A little shot. So how many drinks total?

Speaker 69 Let's say on an off day, like you are now, you're saying that you're on a bender.

Speaker 171 So how many drinks per day do you think we're going through now?

Speaker 99 I think I've had 15 today so far.

Speaker 160 Wow.

Speaker 37 Oh, my God.

Speaker 50 This is incredible.

Speaker 138 We are.

Speaker 6 We are witnessing a slow suicide.

Speaker 39 This is amazing.

Speaker 83 Are you happy right now?

Speaker 35 Do you feel is this the most exciting thing that's happened to you?

Speaker 99 Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it.

Speaker 51 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 70 Yes, you should have heard them before you came out.

Speaker 63 They were quiet all night, just absolutely silent.

Speaker 5 No, very fun.

Speaker 55 I'll tell you what, Brian.

Speaker 59 Normally, a guy like you would leave here with a little joke book.

Speaker 41 But you know what I'm going to do?

Speaker 39 Not only am I going to give you a big joke book, because if you're going to write a suicide note, you got to do it right.

Speaker 103 But I'm also going to give you a delicious can of Nicked Spearmint nicotine pouches.

Speaker 32 It could help you get off the bender that you're on, perhaps.

Speaker 50 Nicotine has a lot of amazing qualities.

Speaker 2 There he goes, Brian.

Speaker 83 Thank you so much.

Speaker 162 Everybody.

Speaker 80 Holy shit.

Speaker 51 What up, y'all?

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Speaker 30 All right, let's have some fun.

Speaker 17 We're going to reset the room, ladies and gentlemen, with one of the best regulars in the show's history.

Speaker 31 A goddamn anomaly makes some fucking noise for one of your favorite comedians.

Speaker 19 This is Cam Patterson.

Speaker 19 Hell yeah.

Speaker 19 Hell yeah.

Speaker 95 I think we as a people should research cucks. We need to look into them a little more.

Speaker 95 That's weird to me. I think about it a lot.
I have a theory on why people do cuck shit. I have an idea in my mind.
I think it start like real young, like somebody like seven years old.

Speaker 95 It's like a thunderstorm outside.

Speaker 95 And you don't sleep at your mom's room no more but you scared you scared so you gotta go in your mom's room because it's thunderstorm outside you take your little teddy bear and your little blanket and you walk into your mom room and she end up just getting donkey

Speaker 95 like i mean just head on foot just she getting just just demolished in your face at your seven seven she's getting fucked like hard like hard as man and you go look who is this man Why is she doing this?

Speaker 10 And why is my dick hard?

Speaker 90 And

Speaker 95 that's how it gets started, right? And I really think it's usually just white people. That's y'all shit, really.

Speaker 95 You clapping. You scared me for that.

Speaker 10 That's terrifying.

Speaker 9 Like, yeah, yeah, I like shit like that, nigga. Hell yeah.

Speaker 95 The scariest part about the cuck shit to me as a black man is like, I'm your, I'm who y'all looking for, which is scary.

Speaker 95 Really? Like, I do shows all the time, man. People always come up to me, like, hey, hey.

Speaker 95 She look she look good to you?

Speaker 45 You want to fuck her?

Speaker 95 And I go, not for free.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 95 I'm going to tell you something, man.

Speaker 95 I told y'all this on the show before.

Speaker 116 My dick, not huge, right?

Speaker 95 So I will feel weird going somewhere to fuck somebody's wife, and I pull my dick out, and he goes, nigga, I could have did this.

Speaker 24 That would be kind of

Speaker 24 something.

Speaker 77 Damn.

Speaker 62 That was great.

Speaker 117 You get that a lot on the show?

Speaker 12 A lot.

Speaker 90 Wow. Yeah, a lot.

Speaker 75 And you've never done it.

Speaker 99 No, uh-uh.

Speaker 45 My dad wants me to a lot, real bad.

Speaker 56 Does he get a cut of it?

Speaker 94 He wants me to. He wants me.

Speaker 45 No, he just wants me to like, come on, you don't want to do that shit.

Speaker 95 Y'all be like, nigga, you weak.

Speaker 45 You weak as hell.

Speaker 45 If I was 24 your age, I would have fucked the shit out that bitch.

Speaker 96 Let that nigga watch.

Speaker 95 My dad, a weird nigga, man. He's a strange guy.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Very strange guy.

Speaker 76 He scares me.

Speaker 80 I like how you translate it for yourself.

Speaker 130 We love your dad.

Speaker 95 I love him too, but he's crazy, dog. You're a real fucking psychopath, man.

Speaker 52 What do you think would happen if a couple offered him that opportunity?

Speaker 10 You think he would do it?

Speaker 120 He going missing for a couple hours.

Speaker 45 Somebody getting fucked. Some poor white lady getting fucked, dog.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 95 I told you that story we was in Utah, he had his porn star, OnlyFans lady, and she was like, she was in the green room just showing her pussy. And my dad was like, this is the best day ever.

Speaker 10 I'm so excited for this.

Speaker 95 It was crazy.

Speaker 31 Andrew makes a great point.

Speaker 84 He turned to me. He said it.
Yeah.

Speaker 80 It is a white thing, huh?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 45 100%.

Speaker 160 There's not a black couple in the world that would invite red band to.

Speaker 152 No, but that situation does happen a lot to comedians, like these chuckle fuckers with their

Speaker 152 slutty wives and stuff.

Speaker 85 It's happened to you?

Speaker 16 Oh, many times, many times.

Speaker 118 It's disturbing because the girl's not ever hot enough.

Speaker 119 Lie detective.

Speaker 110 Dude, we're just such big fans.

Speaker 75 I really want you to fuck my horse.

Speaker 40 Cam, what else is going on?

Speaker 95 Man, the other day,

Speaker 95 I went to Canada.

Speaker 45 Canada was cool.

Speaker 95 Okay. Hell yeah, I seen a red dot Indian nigga for the first time.

Speaker 160 Oh, wow.

Speaker 95 Yeah, never seen one before.

Speaker 83 You were pointing pointing your Glock at him.

Speaker 95 Tony? That was good. That was good as hell.

Speaker 97 Yes.

Speaker 83 You were at a convenience store, and you go, give me everything in the room.

Speaker 90 Hold up.

Speaker 83 The red dot.

Speaker 116 Wait, hold on. Yeah.

Speaker 80 The red dot Indians you have seen before.

Speaker 44 No, I haven't.

Speaker 80 You've never seen an Indian from India?

Speaker 95 No, I've never seen one with the red dot.

Speaker 45 No.

Speaker 64 No, Cam is is Cam.

Speaker 80 The other ones are the ones that we kind of got out of here.

Speaker 95 I've seen the ones, the regular niggas. I've seen them niggas.
We got a sign. I've seen niggas before.

Speaker 9 But I've never seen the goddamn with the actual red dot.

Speaker 95 I've never seen a dude.

Speaker 6 Cam was raised on the streets of Orlando, Florida.

Speaker 10 Never seen a dude.

Speaker 83 He never went anywhere.

Speaker 72 On these interviews during this show, we've seen him see snow for the first time.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 95 I was frolicking and shit, nigga.

Speaker 76 I doubt.

Speaker 108 Yeah, frolicking.

Speaker 10 Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 95 It's good. Snow is nice.
They like snow. You got to get gloves for that shit because it's cold.

Speaker 165 Okay.

Speaker 95 Real, real shit. You know that.

Speaker 100 Was it a man or a woman that had the red dot?

Speaker 79 You see this one, nigga?

Speaker 16 Don't look at your shit.

Speaker 16 I look at my head shit.

Speaker 101 You know it'd be cold, nigga.

Speaker 16 Oh, my God.

Speaker 80 So was it a man or a woman with the red dot?

Speaker 3 It was a dude, it was a dude.

Speaker 95 It was a dude with the red.

Speaker 10 Hell yeah.

Speaker 80 Okay, because usually it's a woman that has it, and it signifies that she's married. So you met a gay Indian.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 95 Say you swore to God, dog.

Speaker 95 I don't think his family would be cool with that.

Speaker 10 Where'd you meet?

Speaker 76 Where'd you meet?

Speaker 82 Something tells me they wouldn't be cool with that shit at all, dog.

Speaker 112 Where'd you meet this guy?

Speaker 95 I was in Canada, nigga.

Speaker 2 I know, but where in Canada?

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 31 Oh, it's a big country.

Speaker 10 Not to me, nigga.

Speaker 95 I've only been to two places, Vancouver and Edmonton.

Speaker 95 That's all it is to me right now.

Speaker 2 I was in Vancouver, though.

Speaker 74 Right, but were you at a store?

Speaker 88 Were you bowling?

Speaker 9 Oh, you know where I was.

Speaker 143 A-bar.

Speaker 10 You know who I was, man.

Speaker 75 What? At a store.

Speaker 116 You were at a convenience.

Speaker 95 Yeah, well, they spawned at and shit like that.

Speaker 143 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 14 Exactly.

Speaker 96 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 And you saw the red dot.

Speaker 133 What did you say anything to him?

Speaker 95 No, I was just like, this is crazy.

Speaker 45 I heard about him.

Speaker 133 What did he say to you?

Speaker 144 What was he like?

Speaker 141 Stop looting.

Speaker 11 Please, this is my livelihood.

Speaker 95 Nah, he did.

Speaker 80 You know what I'm saying? $17.62.

Speaker 10 That's what he said.

Speaker 80 He said $17. That was the price of the price of what I was.
Did you swipe it over his dots?

Speaker 108 I should have did that, dog.

Speaker 90 That would have been a hate crime, dude.

Speaker 46 Yep.

Speaker 9 Probably.

Speaker 145 That's crazy. We just saw a guy with a lot of red dots.

Speaker 109 Tight shit.

Speaker 10 It's true.

Speaker 71 It is true.

Speaker 42 We went from fucking chicken pox to chicken rocks over this.

Speaker 34 All right, Cam, you're a superstar.

Speaker 70 You've done it again.

Speaker 21 Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 25 Not easy to write a new minute every single week at all.

Speaker 144 And he does it.

Speaker 22 Yep.

Speaker 55 All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Matt Gonzalez.

Speaker 85 Everybody, here's Matt Gonzalez.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 83 What old boy people? how y'all doing?

Speaker 146 Yeah, y'all having fun?

Speaker 146 Have your fun now while there's still no black pickleball players.

Speaker 146 Because, I mean, I've saw Jackie Robinson. I saw Tiger Woods.

Speaker 146 You guys are going to be pissed when you see a black guy.

Speaker 116 Dunk a pickleball.

Speaker 100 And while we're on the topic of dunking, the WNBA.

Speaker 146 All those girls are, they can cross me over. That doesn't mean I want to watch them make a layup.
I just think they'd have a lot more viewers if they started playing shirts versus skins.

Speaker 146 Like one rule: Britney Griner's always going to be on shirts.

Speaker 80 Tell that kid to put his titties away.

Speaker 146 I was thinking about this the other day.

Speaker 9 All right, we're in there.

Speaker 55 Go ahead. We want to hear it.

Speaker 144 Matt Gonzalez, what were you thinking about the other day?

Speaker 146 All right, I was thinking about, don't ask me why I was thinking about this.

Speaker 130 I might ask you why. You're in the interview part now.

Speaker 2 You're in the interview part now.

Speaker 146 I mean, why are all dildos circumcised?

Speaker 13 Why were you thinking about that?

Speaker 146 I just finished jacking off

Speaker 146 and I was looking at it. I was like, man, why is it circumcised? I was like, who

Speaker 83 owns Big Dildo?

Speaker 99 Like,

Speaker 108 is it the Jews?

Speaker 133 What is the dill dough?

Speaker 75 Okay, Matt, welcome.

Speaker 151 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 119 You look familiar.

Speaker 44 Yeah, I've been on before. Okay.

Speaker 128 Well, remind us all.

Speaker 78 What do you do for work?

Speaker 146 I'm a mechanical designer. I make desks and shit.

Speaker 146 Okay.

Speaker 103 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 146 Probably about like a year and a half.

Speaker 74 Year and a half.

Speaker 52 Good premise with the black pickleball players.

Speaker 159 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 143 Sorry, Matt.

Speaker 115 You're good, man. I apologize.

Speaker 80 I had to use the bathroom. You just went to the kids.

Speaker 80 I heard Do killed. That's what the guys back there said.

Speaker 131 So I apologize.

Speaker 44 Appreciate it. He did good.

Speaker 182 He talked about there's no black pickleball players and enjoy it now, white people, because when they start, just like with all other sports, they're going to take over.

Speaker 108 That is like the cucking of sports, huh?

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 118 They're going to get in there.

Speaker 114 Yep.

Speaker 146 Yeah, white people just keep making new sports until black people get good at it.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 16 That's true.

Speaker 33 You should

Speaker 33 add that to the thing.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 65 That's the new best part of the whole joke.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 80 It's called the X Games.

Speaker 80 Now we do have to keep doing that. That's really interesting.
And when you're white and you get older, those sports are really appealing.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 146 Yeah. You just started doing like fucking four square with a net and shit and like spike ball.
You guys like spike ball. Yeah.

Speaker 103 You're Mexican, my bad.

Speaker 139 Spick ball.

Speaker 154 Yes, it's Joel Jolberg.

Speaker 20 He can say that.

Speaker 10 Because he's Latino, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 171 So, Matt Gonzalez, what have you been doing for fun?

Speaker 161 What does a guy like you do for fun?

Speaker 146 Man, I've been going to baseball games. This dude recognized me from the show at the baseball game.

Speaker 46 Wow.

Speaker 146 He's just like, I'm getting a beer and he's like, yo, Hammock.

Speaker 170 I'm like, what the fuck?

Speaker 72 That's what you talked about. That was one of your jokes.

Speaker 170 No, it's, all right.

Speaker 50 Why would he call you hammock?

Speaker 146 Uh, we found out in the interview that I sleep in a hammock.

Speaker 10 That's right.

Speaker 52 Do you still sleep on a hammock?

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 83 Wow. You love it.
Yeah.

Speaker 32 You love it.

Speaker 146 Yeah, I love it. I can't sleep any other way.

Speaker 139 I'm just like a I need to know who makes those screws

Speaker 80 You it's it's by choice though sleeping in the hammock just

Speaker 146 at this point. Yeah.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 146 It's like it's been like

Speaker 75 too long how long how long has it been it's been like two years i think it's been

Speaker 60 it's been like two years still in there two years in a hammock you have you have a sore back

Speaker 146 uh yeah actually uh believe it or not i go to the gym um

Speaker 146 And when I go to the gym, I lay down and like stretch my back. And every single time I just lay flat.
And I'm like, wow, this feels good.

Speaker 87 If you had a bed, what's your living situation?

Speaker 118 This is crazy.

Speaker 146 Nothing changed. I still live.

Speaker 32 We don't remember.

Speaker 34 We do this every week.

Speaker 146 Yeah, I still live with my grandpa.

Speaker 83 You live with your grandpa?

Speaker 56 Yeah. He lives here.

Speaker 80 Does he sleep in a...

Speaker 146 He sleeps in a normal bed.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 31 It's Willy Wonka's style.

Speaker 20 They sleep in the same hammock.

Speaker 101 Sometimes I get cold, we cuddle.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 105 But he sleeps in a normal bed.

Speaker 71 Yeah. And where is your hammock located?

Speaker 146 In a totally different room.

Speaker 116 Right.

Speaker 100 It's inside.

Speaker 128 Yeah, it's inside.

Speaker 88 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

Speaker 128 Is it in its own bedroom?

Speaker 88 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 146 I got my own. It's a hammock room, not a bedroom.

Speaker 130 You're a funny guy.

Speaker 25 Thank you.

Speaker 138 Thank you.

Speaker 75 You are delivery.

Speaker 83 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 133 It is.

Speaker 111 You have a real natural knack at being funny.

Speaker 44 Thank you.

Speaker 6 Do you do a lot of spots?

Speaker 39 You working hard?

Speaker 146 Yeah, I'm trying to go to spots every chance I get around town.

Speaker 80 All right, can I ask you a question?

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 80 And this might have been covered in the past episode, so forgive me.

Speaker 73 I've now missed both.

Speaker 80 When you bring a girl back to the hammock, hammock,

Speaker 80 what is the immediate reaction from them?

Speaker 108 What was that? Fire tonight.

Speaker 10 John Dees, what was that?

Speaker 32 Oh, what is that, John? There you go.

Speaker 2 He's taking credit.

Speaker 80 Okay, yeah. What is the reaction to that?

Speaker 146 Usually the reaction is like, all right, I can make this work.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 145 Wow, I thought it'd be a net loss.

Speaker 23 Oh

Speaker 13 my God.

Speaker 87 She is in full jet ski form tonight.

Speaker 67 We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 The engines are fully operational on this jet ski.

Speaker 75 Holy shit.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 103 So you're with women that are so unbelievably easy

Speaker 41 that they see a hammock and they're like, let's fucking go, Big Daddy.

Speaker 152 Do you try to go back to their place, though? Like like the whole time you're trying to sew, like, let's go back to your place.

Speaker 170 Well, yeah, of course.

Speaker 108 I don't

Speaker 108 want them to see it.

Speaker 145 Like, what's your type, swingers?

Speaker 144 This is unbelievable.

Speaker 102 Let's switch spots.

Speaker 17 Let's switch spots. I'll play the fucking trumpet.

Speaker 28 She's on fire, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 76 Oh my god.

Speaker 24 Jetsky, Jesse, Johnson,

Speaker 24 Rochester, Nashville.

Speaker 95 I should have given you all my dates.

Speaker 12 Check them out.

Speaker 80 No, but seriously, what is the reaction?

Speaker 100 Yeah, no, my type is low-hanging fruit, though.

Speaker 119 Boom.

Speaker 144 Unbelievable.

Speaker 83 The hammock jokes are going

Speaker 83 ballistic here on Keltoni.

Speaker 75 Full swing.

Speaker 160 Incredible.

Speaker 40 From post to post, the hammock jokes are

Speaker 71 elevated.

Speaker 71 Incredible.

Speaker 27 You can only do so many positions on that, right?

Speaker 39 There is no doggy style.

Speaker 55 That's out unless you just have her bent over the actual hammock, but you can't be on the hammock yourself.

Speaker 42 That would be an absolute disaster, a ticking time bomb.

Speaker 129 She does it sideways, if I remember, right?

Speaker 146 Yes, yes, that's correct, Red Band.

Speaker 12 You remember.

Speaker 82 Yeah. Remember.

Speaker 102 Anywhere the word ham is, Red Band's watching through a window.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 101 Okay.

Speaker 145 A hammock, a bacon itch, a cake itch.

Speaker 28 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 108 She likes black comics.

Speaker 10 What? Red band.

Speaker 40 Stick with the soundboard.

Speaker 82 All right.

Speaker 2 Matt Gonzalez,

Speaker 167 is there anything else crazy?

Speaker 69 Any other updates we should know about your life since the last time you were on?

Speaker 80 Where can people see you? Do you do stand-up here?

Speaker 146 Yeah, I do stand-up at

Speaker 139 small bars around town between trees all over the country

Speaker 110 you might recognize them from between two ferns with uh

Speaker 118 hell yeah

Speaker 69 hell yeah yeah no really just hanging out yeah absolutely

Speaker 114 absolutely catch them floating around all around town so what's the longest set you've ever done

Speaker 146 Probably like 10 minutes, yeah.

Speaker 152 Love to have you do a short set at the Secret Show.

Speaker 24 Wow. Look at that.

Speaker 33 And you already have a big joke book, right?

Speaker 102 You got a small one last time?

Speaker 160 Yeah, you took it away.

Speaker 26 Why did I take away your small joke book?

Speaker 146 I already had one. You took it away.

Speaker 26 A small joke book?

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 30 And so you've been on twice before.

Speaker 31 Both times, you've been given a small joke book.

Speaker 86 Yes, sir.

Speaker 128 Ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

Speaker 149 That's where all the hard work gets you.

Speaker 17 Matt Gonzalez.

Speaker 122 Now, I'm gonna tell you when I pulled this out I noticed its special quality right away Because take note the drummer's name is Michael Gonzalez we sent him off to enjoy the show from the upper balconies for the first time ever and since then I've pulled a Brian Smith a Cam Patterson obviously was said to go up and a Matt Gonzalez and now Ladies and gentlemen, in an unbelievable turn of events, your next comedian goes by the name of Peter Gonzalez, everybody.

Speaker 17 This is your third Gonzalez on stage tonight.

Speaker 69 This is an anomaly.

Speaker 28 Make some noise one more time for Peter Gonzalez.

Speaker 153 What's up? How's everybody doing?

Speaker 61 That's good, bro.

Speaker 121 I'm from San Antonio.

Speaker 121 Yeah, I recently left San Antonio.

Speaker 126 And people always ask me why I left San Antonio.

Speaker 121 And the answer is, I just got tired of remembering the Alamo.

Speaker 121 That's like San Antonio's motto, you know?

Speaker 163 Everywhere you go, people are like, hey, do you remember what happened?

Speaker 163 I'm like, no, I don't.

Speaker 121 And it's not because I'm an asshole or anything.

Speaker 168 I'm just tired of white people giving me tests.

Speaker 163 You know, like, I was at the Alamo Starbucks,

Speaker 61 and

Speaker 182 the waitress, she tells me, hey, can I get a name for your order?

Speaker 168 And

Speaker 163 can you also tell me who won the Battle of the Alamo?

Speaker 121 And I was like, nah, bro. Next question.

Speaker 126 Yeah, I've been in Austin for a couple months now.

Speaker 114 Yeah, Yeah, bro, yeah.

Speaker 121 Been here for a couple months and I like it, man.

Speaker 126 It's really different, you know?

Speaker 75 Like,

Speaker 183 they got a lot of like white homeless people here.

Speaker 75 Yeah, bro.

Speaker 163 Like, like, white homeless people are way different than regular homeless people.

Speaker 121 You know, like, like, this guy paid my college tuition off and shit.

Speaker 182 Yeah, bro.

Speaker 121 It was like meeting Santa Claus on heroin.

Speaker 10 Okay, Peter gets,

Speaker 19 everybody.

Speaker 103 Let's just get right into it.

Speaker 153 Peter, yeah, Andrew, go ahead, get us.

Speaker 80 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 126 Two years.

Speaker 80 You're going to be good.

Speaker 136 Oh, I appreciate it.

Speaker 80 No, no, I'm not being facetious. I genuinely believe you're going to be good.
You're figuring things out right now, but you got. I know it sounds crazy.

Speaker 80 It looks like I'm being sarcastic, but you're going to be fucking good.

Speaker 126 I appreciate it, man. I love your shit, bro.

Speaker 80 Keep at it. Keep at it.
But I genuinely believe if you keep at it, you're going to be good.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 80 You have interesting energy. There's like a cool gravity.
Obviously, the jokes are going to get there, whatever, but they.

Speaker 82 yeah

Speaker 80 it's two years in none of us were fucking good two years in the point is i you have something i kind of just wanted you to keep talking appreciate it bro thank you remember like when you when that joke didn't go over and you're like anyway so yeah move to and then

Speaker 80 they started laughing because there's something about you so keep at it i genuinely believe it's gonna take a while as it does for all of us

Speaker 13 but i i'm i'm excited for you man thank you andrew appreciate it bro yeah never do that alamo joke again though

Speaker 23 never never.

Speaker 13 If it doesn't hit here, it's never going to hit anyone.

Speaker 10 What the fuck, Alamo is.

Speaker 153 No one. Okay, gotcha, gotcha.

Speaker 101 So we don't

Speaker 4 have to be like some local humor type stuff.

Speaker 103 No, you don't want to do that.

Speaker 39 People want to know about you, not your fucking outlook on some old historical fucking site.

Speaker 16 We don't want to know Peter.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 124 You also said white people are different than regular homeless people, though.

Speaker 82 Well, I meant like there's more white homeless here.

Speaker 183 Like, it's just a lot more than San Antonio.

Speaker 184 There's a bunch of Mexicans in San Antonio.

Speaker 123 right here. It's like,

Speaker 184 you know, it means some.

Speaker 25 Okay, let's talk about it, Peter.

Speaker 165 What do you do for work?

Speaker 185 Right now, I work at an office depot.

Speaker 56 Okay, what do you do at an office depot?

Speaker 26 Do you stand outside looking for secretary work?

Speaker 183 Nah, bro.

Speaker 39 That deserved a bigger laugh for sure.

Speaker 50 Because Mexicans are usually at Home Depot.

Speaker 160 All right.

Speaker 80 Right, right, right.

Speaker 101 That's how you know they're coming up in the world, bro.

Speaker 75 They knew about the office depot.

Speaker 14 Standing outside of an office depot.

Speaker 16 Taxes,

Speaker 16 accounting,

Speaker 136 who got some W-2s, hoes?

Speaker 80 I'll take your fucking W-2 right now.

Speaker 101 W-Do's.

Speaker 80 Fucking write that shit off.

Speaker 76 Write off everything, fool.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 184 Sorry, I'm fucking nervous, so I'd love to be laughing right now.

Speaker 163 I'm just nervous as hell.

Speaker 10 You're okay.

Speaker 25 You're doing great, buddy.

Speaker 80 It's compelling. It's great.

Speaker 88 Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

Speaker 27 You're doing just fine.

Speaker 30 You're the third funniest Gonzalez that's been on the stage tonight.

Speaker 32 God damn it. You're doing great.

Speaker 122 No, you're doing fine. I'm just.

Speaker 96 Office Depot.

Speaker 80 What do you do at Office Depot? Yeah.

Speaker 183 I'm mainly like a salesman.

Speaker 82 I like sell paper to white people.

Speaker 140 Sell me some paper right now. Give them this single spotlight.

Speaker 52 I want you to sell me some paper.

Speaker 121 Well, I'm about to get fired because I make such little sales.

Speaker 82 No, you're doing great. They love you.

Speaker 155 But

Speaker 121 yeah, I'm a pretty shitty salesman, honestly.

Speaker 184 I just throw out.

Speaker 144 Okay, let's go full lights back up.

Speaker 101 We gave it a shot.

Speaker 80 So let's say me and Tony walk in and we're just like, listen, man, we ran out of paper, bro. We need some paper.
Bang.

Speaker 126 Yeah, sir. Can I help you you to

Speaker 183 see how I'm shitty, bro?

Speaker 94 Bro, we need paper, bro. We need some paper.

Speaker 80 We have nothing for our printer.

Speaker 36 What do we do?

Speaker 183 What kind of paper would you like?

Speaker 155 Like, what are you looking for?

Speaker 2 Like, are you looking for like a well,

Speaker 31 I want some nice stationery, actually.

Speaker 105 I like fancy paper with like borders or something like that.

Speaker 75 Can you tell me what?

Speaker 139 I don't say borders or papers to a Mexican guy, dude.

Speaker 66 I'm waiting for it.

Speaker 24 Joe Burke. Burke.

Speaker 37 Joe Burke.

Speaker 37 All right.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 80 So, so you sell papers to Mexicans.

Speaker 123 I sell green cards, green card paper to Mexicans. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 121 No, but there are a lot of Mexicans that come in and need help like getting their green card. That's basically what I'm for.

Speaker 183 You know, they walk in and I translate. I'm like, Nisita, you the

Speaker 121 green card.

Speaker 182 They're like, yeah.

Speaker 163 And I take them to the printer and help them out.

Speaker 80 And you're like, they're fucking here.

Speaker 112 Get them.

Speaker 76 Exactly. Get them.

Speaker 164 Get them.

Speaker 99 We got another one.

Speaker 160 Peter, what do you like to do? How old are you?

Speaker 36 I'm 31. 31.

Speaker 107 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 69 You go to San Antonio and hang out with them and cha-chas?

Speaker 183 Pretty much. Like,

Speaker 183 go see family in San Antonio.

Speaker 161 Yeah, but what do you do for fun?

Speaker 106 How does a guy like you let loose?

Speaker 61 I don't know, bro. I'm pretty boring.

Speaker 121 I just, like, smoke weed, sit at home, and

Speaker 121 write jokes, perform a couple of times a week.

Speaker 54 But come on, there must be something.

Speaker 42 You must have a hobby, something you like to do.

Speaker 74 I play soccer, like

Speaker 121 Sunday amateur soccer league.

Speaker 88 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 121 Yeah, play with like 30 illegal Mexicans.

Speaker 36 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 121 They've all been deported since, so it's just me now.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 101 That's funny.

Speaker 13 Yep.

Speaker 27 No doubt about it.

Speaker 88 Goals.

Speaker 80 That is good strategy though. Like if you're playing like the really good team in the league and you know a couple of the guys shouldn't be here.
Right.

Speaker 118 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 80 You make a phone call.

Speaker 36 Right, right.

Speaker 36 Right, Right, right, right, right.

Speaker 164 Okay.

Speaker 2 Peter.

Speaker 72 Are you in a relationship right now?

Speaker 163 No, I haven't been

Speaker 121 in a relationship in a couple months, honestly. No.

Speaker 159 What happened a couple months ago?

Speaker 44 What happened to that girl?

Speaker 4 I don't know. It was.

Speaker 72 Did you guys argue over 40 bucks or something?

Speaker 183 No, no.

Speaker 121 Shit, it's been a minute, honestly.

Speaker 126 Yeah, yeah, it was like this white girl I was with, but it wasn't really like.

Speaker 2 Where'd you meet the white girl at?

Speaker 153 At my job.

Speaker 118 Oh, shit.

Speaker 10 Yeah, that's the only way I get laid.

Speaker 121 I just meet girls at my job.

Speaker 163 I don't really.

Speaker 139 Tony, you can't spell deport without depot.

Speaker 40 I just that is true.

Speaker 128 That is true.

Speaker 60 So she came in office depot.

Speaker 72 What was she looking for this one?

Speaker 184 No, this was when I worked at Target.

Speaker 74 Like, she was

Speaker 123 a co-worker.

Speaker 155 Yeah, she was a co-worker.

Speaker 44 Wow, okay.

Speaker 61 She was a co-worker at Target.

Speaker 41 Yeah. And then how did it go down?

Speaker 177 You guys were in the breakup?

Speaker 121 We just smoked weed together.

Speaker 72 In your car?

Speaker 153 Yeah, yeah. And eventually we just.

Speaker 85 What kind of car is it?

Speaker 42 What kind of Honda Civic is it?

Speaker 155 Toyota Camry.

Speaker 185 Toyota Camry. I don't have a car anymore.

Speaker 183 Absolutely.

Speaker 50 Twin sister of the Honda Civic for those of you.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 139 Is it white?

Speaker 88 What?

Speaker 139 Is it white?

Speaker 1 No, it's blue.

Speaker 80 What happened to your car?

Speaker 108 Huh? What happened to your car? I don't know.

Speaker 10 The engine just blew up one day, like a couple months ago.

Speaker 108 It just exploded.

Speaker 183 You don't know how to fix it? No, I'm bad as a car. I'm horrible.

Speaker 185 I'm the worst Mexican.

Speaker 83 I would have asked you.

Speaker 184 No, no, I'm the worst Mexican ever, bro.

Speaker 121 Can't speak Spanish, can't fucking fix cars, can't clean shit. I'm bad.
I'm very bad.

Speaker 185 I'm a disappointment.

Speaker 105 You make up for it by playing soccer every Sunday.

Speaker 118 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 39 All right, Peter. What scares you?

Speaker 69 Are you afraid of anything?

Speaker 129 This shit, yeah, that's stage fright.

Speaker 86 Stage fright, other than that, what else?

Speaker 141 Come on, there must be something.

Speaker 42 Like, what scares me?

Speaker 61 You have a nightmare or something like that?

Speaker 121 Something Nightmares.

Speaker 153 Nah. I love Mexican.
I really don't know what that is.

Speaker 46 Nightmares.

Speaker 4 Nah, I don't know. I don't really have any.

Speaker 80 What happened when you found out your name was called?

Speaker 80 What? Like, what happened when you found out your name was called? You were going to go on tonight? What was that feeling like?

Speaker 115 I was excited, bro.

Speaker 182 Like, I low-key knew it was going to happen.

Speaker 163 I don't know why.

Speaker 155 Today I was ready. I was just like.

Speaker 108 I don't know why. Yeah, I just knew it.

Speaker 183 I was just ready.

Speaker 184 I was just smiling, just ready.

Speaker 123 I got four choices, just kind of motivated.

Speaker 128 you could feel it when you went there today yeah yeah i don't know i just felt it i was just feeling good today you have powerful instincts has that ever happened before where you like you thought something was gonna happen and then it happened uh nah no usually

Speaker 183 no no i try to be

Speaker 110 you are funny i love this kid shuls was right about you there's something in there keep fucking doing it keep working hard don't ever do the but make me a promise you'll never do the fucking alamo joke again, okay?

Speaker 183 All right, never again, bro.

Speaker 155 You're a ginger ass joke, but all right.

Speaker 80 I think he has some great advice, which is just like kind of talk about yourself, man. Yeah, talk about what you're going through, and yeah, we're interested in it, clearly.

Speaker 71 Appreciate it. You're crazy likable, bro.

Speaker 62 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 75 You look like a fucking Pixar character, nigga.

Speaker 92 You're using that.

Speaker 138 It was a Ninto.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, I appreciate it.

Speaker 9 There he goes.

Speaker 17 Peter Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 75 There goes Peter Donzales.

Speaker 166 I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone. Lowe's knows Sundays hit different when you earn them.

Speaker 166 We've got you covered with outdoor power equipment from Cobalt and everything you need to weatherproof your deck with Trex decking.

Speaker 166 Plus, with lawn care from Scotts, and of course, pit boss grills and accessories, you can get a home field advantage all season long. So get to Lowe's, get it done, and earn your Sunday.

Speaker 108 Lowe's, official partner of the NFL.

Speaker 181 For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

Speaker 181 That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

Speaker 73 We may need to change that jingle.

Speaker 15 Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 14 All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Tyler Langloy.

Speaker 107 Tyler Langloy.

Speaker 104 Here we go.

Speaker 17 Make some noise one more time, everybody.

Speaker 14 These people wait all day for this.

Speaker 21 Tyler Langloyd.

Speaker 153 Hey, everybody, how's it going?

Speaker 131 You guys all seem very cool.

Speaker 46 You seem very nice. I was not cool growing up.

Speaker 131 And actually, in elementary school and middle school, my classmates used to make fun of me and say that I gave off serial killer vibes.

Speaker 126 But now that I've watched every serial killer documentary on Netflix, I realize that those were compliments.

Speaker 2 Yeah, most of those guys are pretty damn charming.

Speaker 126 It's like, oh, you think I look like the kind of guy who can trick a woman into getting in my car?

Speaker 75 Thank you.

Speaker 155 I don't know why so many girls like serial killers.

Speaker 131 Like, I feel like I know so many girls who are obsessed with serial killers.

Speaker 163 Like, Ted Bundy murdered women and then had sex with their bodies.

Speaker 46 And they saw his picture in the newspaper and they were like, I can fix him.

Speaker 2 There he is. Tyler Langloyd.

Speaker 24 Hi, Tyler. Hello.

Speaker 81 This is your first time on the show, correct?

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 128 Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 2 I think like eight years.

Speaker 56 Eight years? Where at?

Speaker 131 Jersey.

Speaker 27 All of it in Jersey?

Speaker 126 Yeah, Jersey, Philly.

Speaker 27 You still live in Jersey?

Speaker 46 Yeah, I flew in this afternoon. Amazing.

Speaker 81 Just for this?

Speaker 2 I'm hanging out for a week. Sweet.

Speaker 85 Awesome. Look at you.

Speaker 44 Lucky guy.

Speaker 42 Eight years from Jersey.

Speaker 46 What do you do for work in Jersey?

Speaker 131 I work at a pizzeria.

Speaker 2 A pizzeria? That is so jersey.

Speaker 6 It's as jersey as it gets.

Speaker 2 It's like the last guy playing soccer on Sundays.

Speaker 69 How long have you been working at a pizzeria?

Speaker 46 Too long.

Speaker 88 Yeah. How long is that?

Speaker 163 Right now, like...

Speaker 131 For this time, three years, but then there's been some other stretches.

Speaker 69 Are we doing a thin crust, deep dish?

Speaker 88 What are we doing?

Speaker 126 We're doing thin crust.

Speaker 170 We're doing regular.

Speaker 108 We actually had Dave Portnoy at our pizzeria last week.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 80 What was the rating?

Speaker 131 7.4.

Speaker 101 That's really good.

Speaker 160 That's pretty solid.

Speaker 102 That's a solid rating.

Speaker 160 That is really good.

Speaker 128 Did you happen to make that pizza that day?

Speaker 126 No, I took the phone call.

Speaker 138 Wow.

Speaker 100 And it said Dave's going to be coming in around 3 or something like that?

Speaker 126 Well, I found out that I guess New Jersey has like a pizzeria spy network anytime he's in town. So we got a phone call at like 11 a.m.

Speaker 131 It's like Dave's in town.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 126 And then we were just prepared all day.

Speaker 80 That's my question. If you know he's coming, is it a different pizza than you're normally serving?

Speaker 126 It was. We were like, if someone orders just a plain pie,

Speaker 131 let the guys know because we're making it special. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 80 So that 7.4 is not fucking legit.

Speaker 80 I don't want to fuck shit on that.

Speaker 91 But I bet every place is like that, right?

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 103 Yes. They're in on it.

Speaker 128 What's the name of the pizza place?

Speaker 126 Romeo's Italian American.

Speaker 58 Romeo's Italian American.

Speaker 171 Romeo's.

Speaker 2 My boss is going to be so happy about this.

Speaker 143 Good.

Speaker 80 That was a really funny joke, by the way. Thank you.
Yeah, that was a really good joke. I thought that was funny.

Speaker 139 You guys can't see this, but your lack of ass is insane.

Speaker 85 Let's see it. Turn around for us.

Speaker 35 Let's see that. Oh, my God.

Speaker 101 It's incredible.

Speaker 65 It is incredible.

Speaker 74 It is thin crust.

Speaker 138 He's got that

Speaker 160 New York-style style ass.

Speaker 136 Whoa, he looks like a dog standing up, bro.

Speaker 16 That's crazy.

Speaker 32 Oh, my God.

Speaker 83 I'm working on it.

Speaker 108 I used to be like 400 pounds.

Speaker 90 So you lost.

Speaker 108 You lost weight.

Speaker 162 Bravo.

Speaker 160 Bravo.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 101 How do you lose weight all out of your ass?

Speaker 97 I didn't.

Speaker 126 I never had one. It was worse before.

Speaker 58 That is incredible.

Speaker 160 I had negative ass before.

Speaker 64 That is incredible.

Speaker 141 400 pounds, how did you lose the weight?

Speaker 44 Tell Red Band how you lost it.

Speaker 126 Honestly, I started just going on walks and smoking a lot of weed.

Speaker 103 He's got the weed part down.

Speaker 114 Yeah, but the walk thing.

Speaker 127 I mean, like, how far of a walk do you do?

Speaker 126 Like, five miles.

Speaker 44 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 126 Yeah, like three times a week, five miles.

Speaker 131 Then I go to the gym.

Speaker 161 Oh, what do you do at the gym?

Speaker 131 Just lift some weights.

Speaker 126 Usually get high for that too.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 138 No problem.

Speaker 126 I got to trick myself.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Absolutely.

Speaker 103 Incredible.

Speaker 75 What else about you?

Speaker 84 What else about you, Tyler?

Speaker 42 Tell us more about your life.

Speaker 60 Your parents live in Jersey, your whole family's there.

Speaker 126 Yeah, I live with my whole family.

Speaker 55 You live with your whole family. How big is the family?

Speaker 131 I got two brothers, a sister. And then also my one brother's and my sister's significant other live with us too.

Speaker 159 They all live in the same house.

Speaker 141 How many bedrooms is this house?

Speaker 131 Three upstairs and two in the basement.

Speaker 59 Are you in the basement? Of course.

Speaker 50 Of course.

Speaker 31 Basement energies, if I've ever seen them before, it is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 82 The home of the flat ass people.

Speaker 85 They all go to the basement.

Speaker 132 So we are we do a special thing here.

Speaker 107 You got a 7.4 from Dave Portnoy, but here on Kill Tony, we do a special thing.

Speaker 105 We go on Yelp and we go to the lowest reviews possible.

Speaker 18 I'm going to read a one-star review from Romeo's Italian Kitchen.

Speaker 67 Ordered an Italian hot dog.

Speaker 141 You make Italian hot dogs?

Speaker 121 I don't make anything.

Speaker 34 But your place makes Italian hot dogs.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 114 Right.

Speaker 55 What exactly is an Italian hot dog?

Speaker 105 I am Italian American.

Speaker 31 If anyone should know what an Italian hot dog is, it should be me.

Speaker 6 Explain to me what that is.

Speaker 128 Is it just a hot dog with marinara sauce and cheese on it?

Speaker 183 It's like more of a sausage than a hot dog.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 131 It's got some, you know, onions, peppers.

Speaker 88 I love mustard on it.

Speaker 81 Okay, let's go back to this.

Speaker 67 I ordered an Italian hot dog.

Speaker 114 I had to recook the hot dog in my air fryer.

Speaker 27 The smallest amount of potatoes I ever had.

Speaker 128 They come with a side of potatoes?

Speaker 138 Oh, there's potatoes on it.

Speaker 126 Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Speaker 128 Mozzarella sticks also not cooked well.

Speaker 142 They are so chewy.

Speaker 56 Unpleasant to eat.

Speaker 74 Will not go back there.

Speaker 128 From Nancy

Speaker 52 11 months ago, you worked there 11 months ago, didn't you?

Speaker 153 I did. We got new mozzarella sticks since then, though.

Speaker 160 Oh, okay.

Speaker 77 Perfect.

Speaker 64 Bruce, one year ago, says, I ordered two salads for delivery.

Speaker 27 When they arrived, they were crammed in a bag that was so small they were spilling out.

Speaker 31 The delivery guy tosses the salads and they shockingly don't get caught and spill all over the ground.

Speaker 112 He tells my girlfriend it's her fault.

Speaker 70 She should be more careful and leaves.

Speaker 147 Why wasn't my order replaced at no charge?

Speaker 173 Why is your delivery guy a psycho who blames others when his only job is handing off food without dropping it all over the ground and then leaving her to clean it up?

Speaker 167 Why do you use bags so inappropriate for these items?

Speaker 140 I'm sure others have called you out on it.

Speaker 35 You disgust me and open my eyes to the joys of DoorDash.

Speaker 172 Take care.

Speaker 50 There's a lot of questions.

Speaker 148 Would you like to answer any of them?

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 133 Over two years ago, my wife and I found it interesting that the counter guy, the one that thinks he's really cool, was wearing sweatpants with the word yikes

Speaker 151 boldly displayed on the front of his crotch.

Speaker 10 The front? What the fuck?

Speaker 63 This is crazy.

Speaker 35 Nice attire for a family establishment.

Speaker 34 We ate our bland pizza and left, vowing to never return.

Speaker 165 Vowing.

Speaker 112 Who says vowing on a one star?

Speaker 90 I mean, you must know you worked there every day.

Speaker 167 You must know the guy that wore the sweatpants with yikes across the front.

Speaker 56 Was it you?

Speaker 133 It was not me. It wasn't you.

Speaker 151 But we caught you on the camera.

Speaker 128 Tony! Cooking pizzas on the sofa.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 126 I know the guy who thinks he's very cool, but I've not seen the yikes pants.

Speaker 44 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 2 Maybe he's retired them.

Speaker 3 Boss G with 11 likes, updated over three years ago, says, greasy shit, you can tell it's

Speaker 87 greasy shit.

Speaker 53 You can tell it's literal sweaty pizza and is so terrible.

Speaker 167 I had a terrible experience with the survive took way too long.

Speaker 97 Are we.

Speaker 10 There's a couple Romeos.

Speaker 11 Is this the right Romeos?

Speaker 118 Oh, wow, wow.

Speaker 160 What's the address?

Speaker 7 It is the one on

Speaker 70 Elton, Adelphia.

Speaker 83 Fuck.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 14 Ladies and gentlemen, I like your style, Tyler.

Speaker 25 You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 102 And I can't wait to check out your pizza soon.

Speaker 24 Oh, it's going to be great. Thanks.

Speaker 2 You're awesome.

Speaker 82 Even stepping up our game.

Speaker 83 I love it.

Speaker 173 No, and by the way, those were just the one-star reviews.

Speaker 85 Overall, it sits at a...

Speaker 100 Four and a half stars, 49 reviews.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 110 99 reviews, 4.3 stars.

Speaker 2 Bravo. Yeah.

Speaker 20 Red Band doesn't know how to read, everybody.

Speaker 55 That's why it's Red Band, not Reed Band, everyone.

Speaker 34 All right, there he goes.

Speaker 17 Great stuff.

Speaker 14 Tyler Langloy, everybody.

Speaker 49 All right, let's get one last bucket full out there. Is that cool?

Speaker 16 You guys have a little energy?

Speaker 34 Your final bucket full of the night has the kind of name where he's probably eaten at a Romeo's pizzeria before.

Speaker 119 Make some noise for Vinny Rauchi, everybody.

Speaker 14 Vinny Rauchy.

Speaker 12 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 49 This guy must be the owner.

Speaker 119 All right, one more time for Vinny Rauchi, everyone.

Speaker 170 Can you guys imagine if races were contagious? You know, like the common cold, and you get it for five to ten days. You wake up one morning with a mild case of Mexican.

Speaker 170 You're like, fuck, but the next day you got all your landscaping done yourself.

Speaker 170 But all the drinks you have between those five to ten days are warm because you're afraid of ice.

Speaker 170 something to think about or you wake up with a case of Caucasian and your credit report is up 123 points

Speaker 170 or you got a call into work you're like boss I'm not gonna make it in today

Speaker 170 I'm feeling really

Speaker 94 that's on you

Speaker 170 That's on you.

Speaker 170 I didn't say anything.

Speaker 73 Hey, you guys hear about that new Mexican.

Speaker 89 Keep going, keep going.

Speaker 170 But that new Mexican weight loss immigration pill.

Speaker 170 Not only are you going to be

Speaker 170 losing weight and an Olympian at running, jumping, and swimming, but you're also

Speaker 170 damn it.

Speaker 170 All right.

Speaker 100 All right. Oh, it's going to be called O them Spic.

Speaker 94 Sorry. Thank you.

Speaker 10 Check, check, check.

Speaker 16 Here

Speaker 92 Yes.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 44 All right, Finny. What's up? Hi, buddy.

Speaker 3 How are you?

Speaker 75 I'm good. How are you?

Speaker 86 You remind me of something. I don't know what it is.

Speaker 108 It's not human.

Speaker 76 It's not human.

Speaker 112 It's not human.

Speaker 10 It's wonderful.

Speaker 11 It's like something.

Speaker 101 It's like a maybe it's like a pawn.

Speaker 9 A wee moet.

Speaker 16 A wee moet.

Speaker 170 It is wild. The lion sleeps tonight.

Speaker 88 Absolutely.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 139 You look like a fish that owns a pawn shop.

Speaker 170 a fish that owns a pawn shop kind of yeah interesting

Speaker 72 it was uh something to think about

Speaker 80 yeah that's your catchphrase that's your catchphrase just say something to think about something

Speaker 170 what do you think happened there at the end that joke that you forgot um i knew i was coming up to a minute and I was contemplating not doing it, but then I felt there was a little bit of time and I tried going too quick.

Speaker 128 How long have you you've been doing stand-up, Benny?

Speaker 117 Uh,

Speaker 170 about three years doing it, giving it my 100%.

Speaker 161 Okay, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 170 I am a maintenance tech for the apartment complex that I live at.

Speaker 44 Okay, where do you live?

Speaker 170 Uh, it's about 15 minutes north of here. Okay, perfect.
Far West Hills.

Speaker 75 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 161 And you do maintenance.

Speaker 72 Well, you ever get a crazy maintenance call? What's the worst thing you ever had to do?

Speaker 61 You ever have to

Speaker 159 plunge a toilet or something?

Speaker 170 I mean, just the way some people live is just, it's ridiculous. Right.
It's just ridiculous.

Speaker 75 You're Italian, right?

Speaker 170 I'm Italian.

Speaker 100 So you're a very clean guy.

Speaker 152 I'm a neat freak.

Speaker 42 You have like black leather furniture I'm picturing, right?

Speaker 98 I do have a black leather couch.

Speaker 12 Oh, my God.

Speaker 144 Now that's Italian.

Speaker 28 Yes, sir.

Speaker 162 How many thrones?

Speaker 124 How many thrones do you have?

Speaker 16 Very good, Red Band.

Speaker 138 There you go.

Speaker 132 So, Vinny Rauchi, you have a girl?

Speaker 98 I do not.

Speaker 170 No, you're single. I am single.

Speaker 55 How long have you been single for?

Speaker 170 Shit, I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time, bro.

Speaker 170 Last time I was on here, we talked about I was a virgin until I was 28 years old.

Speaker 151 You've been on the show before?

Speaker 62 I have. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 86 You'd think I would remember a fucking

Speaker 170 Jeffrey Ross.

Speaker 75 You'd think I'd remember a neck like that.

Speaker 10 What is that?

Speaker 75 I don't have a neck.

Speaker 90 What do you mean?

Speaker 170 I've been told I don't have a neck.

Speaker 171 No, you don't.

Speaker 88 Yeah. It's incredible.

Speaker 72 You never could have played football because the helmet would have scraped up against your shoulder pads.

Speaker 114 It's unbelievable, Vinny.

Speaker 127 So, uh...

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 156 28, you lost your virginity.

Speaker 117 How did that happen?

Speaker 71 How's that happening?

Speaker 75 Hooker in Amsterdam.

Speaker 141 Okay, yeah, but how did you not have sex before that?

Speaker 128 Did something happen to you when you were a kid, Vinny?

Speaker 111 No, no.

Speaker 170 I was always the good guy. I never, you know what? I was afraid of rejection.
That's what it was, so I stayed the fuck away.

Speaker 172 That's right.

Speaker 174 That's right.

Speaker 140 And how about lately? When's the last time you you had sex with a hooker at 28?

Speaker 122 How old are you now, Benny?

Speaker 170 I am 56. I just turned 56.

Speaker 6 56.

Speaker 84 So what's your body count since the hooker?

Speaker 170 Since the hooker? Yeah.

Speaker 170 Shit, that was 96. I would say 10.

Speaker 44 Right.

Speaker 46 10 or 12?

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 36 I mean,

Speaker 80 I feel like you know exactly.

Speaker 80 I don't feel like you lose count after 10.

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 16 I mean,

Speaker 31 10 or 12. No chance that it's 11.

Speaker 80 Yeah, who are those two?

Speaker 170 Well, I mean, I lost it to a hooker. Yeah.
And then I was there for a week, so I went back probably four times.

Speaker 80 But same hooker or different hooker?

Speaker 164 No, different.

Speaker 80 Okay, so now you're at five. Yeah.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 80 So you had sex with five girls in 96.

Speaker 154 Yep.

Speaker 80 And then over the next 30 years, you had sex with five more?

Speaker 94 Six or seven.

Speaker 138 Honestly, yeah.

Speaker 88 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 80 Five or seven more. You don't know.

Speaker 164 Oh.

Speaker 164 That's what I'm talking about. Four arms.
Forearm. Yeah.

Speaker 170 No,

Speaker 170 I would say 15 at the most.

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 77 Well, I mean, you made a good point.

Speaker 9 You were bringing it to light.

Speaker 12 Who lies in 30 years?

Speaker 162 Who lies?

Speaker 80 Be honest. It's five, right? It's five, right?

Speaker 58 It was seven.

Speaker 129 Okay, okay.

Speaker 174 There we go.

Speaker 139 There we go.

Speaker 35 Benny, when's the last time?

Speaker 170 So I moved here in 2000.

Speaker 170 I moved here in 2021. So

Speaker 170 September of 2021? 2021. Yep, because I was only here for a week and I was like, holy shit, I just got laid.
What happened?

Speaker 75 How did you get laid that fast?

Speaker 9 I just picked her up in a bar.

Speaker 94 She was having problems with her cat.

Speaker 151 What kind of problems is she having with her cat?

Speaker 170 She was sad because her cat, she had to put it on medication and she went to the bar and drank a bottle of wine. And I happened to be there to

Speaker 94 take advantage.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 137 Wow.

Speaker 9 True thurts. True thurts.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 174 And then you get her back to your place.

Speaker 75 I went back to her place.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yep.

Speaker 6 And what was that? Like, did you see the cat?

Speaker 51 I did.

Speaker 17 Did it look sick?

Speaker 2 No. It looked fine.

Speaker 90 No, it didn't.

Speaker 2 It looked fine to you.

Speaker 170 Yeah, but it was on meds, so maybe the meds were working. I don't know.

Speaker 98 It was fun. It was a great time.

Speaker 109 I like that. Yeah.

Speaker 50 Did you pet the cat? Did you talk to the cat at all?

Speaker 36 I pet both of them.

Speaker 82 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 101 All right. Yep.

Speaker 28 Yes, sir.

Speaker 180 Absolutely.

Speaker 169 Do you go down on her frenzia box?

Speaker 88 Wow.

Speaker 74 Red ban.

Speaker 104 Getting verbal.

Speaker 83 Red verbal red ban, everybody.

Speaker 137 Okay.

Speaker 50 Vinny Rauchi taking a girl to the black couchy.

Speaker 170 Yes, sir.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 9 Bro, your arms look long as fuck, dude.

Speaker 35 My arms? Oh, that is a thing.

Speaker 133 That is one of the things.

Speaker 12 Training arms with a monkey.

Speaker 11 Bro, your arms are crazy. I do have long arms.

Speaker 170 My dress shirts, they never fucking fit.

Speaker 75 Never.

Speaker 95 It's the arms and the neck.

Speaker 94 I really appreciate you guys building my fucking self-esteem here.

Speaker 95 I already told you I don't.

Speaker 87 What are we going to do? Affect your pussy game?

Speaker 96 Help a brother out.

Speaker 78 Stop being a girl.

Speaker 31 If you want compliments, go to Amsterdam and pay for them.

Speaker 11 50 gilders.

Speaker 31 Vinny, thank you so much for coming back.

Speaker 167 Did you get a little joke book last time?

Speaker 10 I got a little one last time.

Speaker 69 Okay, well, then there you go.

Speaker 107 You already got one.

Speaker 77 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 13 Vinny Rauchi, everybody.

Speaker 24 How fun.

Speaker 108 Alright, this is it.

Speaker 17 You know what time it is, everybody.

Speaker 25 There's only one way to end an episode like this with the icon.

Speaker 67 Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him God's gift to the universe.

Speaker 50 God Himself said that.

Speaker 83 Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis strangler.

Speaker 119 This

Speaker 22 is the big red machine, the one and only William Montgomery.

Speaker 73 Kamala Harris just signed with a major talent agency, and in all honesty, I didn't realize blowing people to further your career was considered a talent.

Speaker 73 Harriet the spy died.

Speaker 73 Was she in too deep? I heard she was asking too many questions.

Speaker 94 Michelle Trachtenberg is dead.

Speaker 73 Remember that show on VH1 called Behind the Music and how in every episode the band was hotter than ever, but offstage things were falling apart? Have y'all seen a behind the music lately?

Speaker 73 Yeah, who got the last laugh, VH1?

Speaker 186 Fuck you, VH1!

Speaker 186 Fuck you!

Speaker 73 Did y'all know Osama bin Laden made a skate video?

Speaker 73 Yeah, I listened to the audiobook.

Speaker 56 It's pretty decent.

Speaker 179 Okay, Tony, that's my top

Speaker 160 lights out.

Speaker 179 See, how did people the Harriet the Spy joke?

Speaker 111 That's a wonderful joke.

Speaker 73 And nobody's laughing. I'm telling everybody backstage, nobody's laughing backstage.

Speaker 119 We literally think is this a horrible idea?

Speaker 70 I've never in my life seen Red Band look up a joke in real time on his phone.

Speaker 130 He's like, what the fuck, Harriet, the spy?

Speaker 35 But that's the girl that died this week.

Speaker 73 Yeah, I think she had a bad alcohol problem and had to get her liver fucking replaced.

Speaker 91 We had a 38-year-old up here earlier.

Speaker 41 If he's still alive, she's, well, no, she's dead.

Speaker 68 So, William, very fun.

Speaker 128 What was that last thing that you trickled out there on at the end?

Speaker 60 What was that about?

Speaker 73 Just Osama bin Laden, the idea. He literally had a skate video.
People don't realize that. Skate?

Speaker 73 Yeah, skate like roller uh like rollerblading like rollerblading rollerblading video okay yeah like now that i know that

Speaker 73 stuff

Speaker 73 he had a video of him rollerblading yeah no he's a really big rollerblader a lot of people don't know that about osama bin laden they all think about 9-11 all this bullshit but he was actually a really good rollerblader there were actually some skateboard videos people loved him skateboarding it's really cool seriously wow

Speaker 73 and i literally they made it into an audiobook and I literally was listening to the audiobook on the way to Cleveland so what is that what does that sound like the audiobook of him rollerblading some middle eastern sounding guy just kind of

Speaker 154 yeah

Speaker 73 just this middle eastern guy describing Osama what I was listening to is skateboarding it was a lot of skateboarding just the different tricks are like okay he's going up into the pool he just dropped in he did a 360 on the way down just a lot of stuff like that wow and I know a decent amount about

Speaker 73 rollerblading skateboarding, what have you. So I was able to really

Speaker 73 start getting into it recently, Tony.

Speaker 10 You have rollerblades?

Speaker 111 Huh?

Speaker 108 Yeah, I have rollerblades. Are you serious?

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Are you and I going to go to the Barton Street Mall or Barton Creek Mall and go rollerblading in there?

Speaker 2 I think so.

Speaker 73 They let people on Wednesday mornings.

Speaker 55 I think we have a new fucking arena entrance for you.

Speaker 100 Oh my gosh, hold on. What's Red Band doing?

Speaker 169 I'll go with you guys if you don't mind.

Speaker 20 You know how to rollerblade?

Speaker 82 I love rollerblading.

Speaker 108 Are you serious?

Speaker 73 Yeah, i do you have rollerblades yeah tony i feel like we would go and then we'd be like hold on where's red band and we look behind us and you're dying on the ground having a heart attack i don't know if he

Speaker 83 i think i think he has rollerblading and donut eating confused um

Speaker 73 yeah red band

Speaker 133 you went rollerblading uh it actually has been a while like i i used to use it as an exercise like going really fast up hills and then going down and trying not to die because there's no brakes how many years ago was that uh i would say five five years ago you were rollerblading up a hill i had all the protection knees hands belly everything belly yeah

Speaker 162 okay that's unbelievable i picture red man going up a hill on rollerblades and just going backwards there's no way zero percent there's no way you would know how to fucking rollerblade up a hill Seriously, there's no way.

Speaker 73 There's no way. No way.
No way. Don't take a ton of strength.
How do you even angle angle your feet on that when red man? You wouldn't even know how to do that.

Speaker 73 His knees would yeah, they'd buckle like a fucking house.

Speaker 63 You have great knees?

Speaker 74 No, weak knees. I have very weak knees.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 86 How do you know this?

Speaker 124 Because

Speaker 152 my knees pop out of place all the time, and the top bony and the bottom

Speaker 82 goes together.

Speaker 169 It happened at Skank Fest number one.

Speaker 75 Remember something

Speaker 91 jumped on my knees?

Speaker 83 I do remember that.

Speaker 73 That's why he's not allowed to exercise. That's why he has to stay on the couch all day because his knees click in and out.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Kill bad knees over here.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 69 William, what's been going on this week?

Speaker 73 Well, I left Tony. I had a really good time last Monday just hanging out in Mitzies and I get back out to my car and my car's gone.

Speaker 73 And I think, uh-oh. And then I come back here and one of the nice police officers talks to me and tells me that they took my license plate as well.
So I'm thinking this is some weird conspiracy.

Speaker 73 Somebody's getting my ass. And I I make it to the tow truck place at like 2 a.m.
and my license plate is off the car. I have to spend $300 on that.
I just spend $500 on the actual ticket.

Speaker 73 It was this nightmarish $800. I'm fucking $800 in the hole right now.
I literally did buy a couple skateboards recently.

Speaker 2 Seriously.

Speaker 73 So this isn't good. But yeah, and then I finally have Texas plates now, though.
I had my Tennessee plates on. So they ran the plate.

Speaker 73 I didn't realize I had a newer Tennessee license plate and I didn't realize the numbers and letters were different on it, Tony. So they ended up running the plate.
So it said it wasn't for my car.

Speaker 73 So they took the license plate, and then I'm at the fucking tow truck place, just sleepy and feeling really grouchy, and there's no place to fucking sit.

Speaker 73 But yeah, that happened last Monday. And then I went to

Speaker 73 Cleveland on Friday and Saturday, and it was a lot of fun.

Speaker 52 Cleveland was fun.

Speaker 59 The lovely Hilarities.

Speaker 73 It was a bunch of fun. No, it was not at hilarities.

Speaker 107 Oh, where were you?

Speaker 73 It was an improv. Now it's a funny bone.

Speaker 88 It was the what?

Speaker 73 Funnybone.

Speaker 44 Oh, boy. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 73 It's the funny bone. I mean, it was,

Speaker 73 let's just say something else, Tony.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 111 No, it was really nice.

Speaker 171 I had a very nice time.

Speaker 86 Okay. I love it.
And the shows went good.

Speaker 103 Everything's smooth.

Speaker 164 Yeah, shows were good.

Speaker 83 They were good.

Speaker 171 What else is going on?

Speaker 72 Anything else crazy in the world?

Speaker 73 Still just rowing. I'm 19,000 meters since yesterday.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 73 Fucking three hours of sleep. Go fucking row 10,000 fucking meters.
Listen to a bunch of Beck, his old school back. I'm back in my days of partying in fucking L.A., doing my blow.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 73 So it was exciting. And then I went back today.
I'm addicted to it now. I get real addicted to stuff.
So when it was cocaine and alcohol, it was a real nightmare.

Speaker 73 But now I'm just addicted to the rowing. So that's luckily, I think, a lot more healthy.

Speaker 58 Yeah, you're addicted to rowing.

Speaker 161 You have been addicted to many things.

Speaker 59 Would you like to list off some of the things that you've been addicted to to this audience?

Speaker 73 Fuck, I mean, obviously, puzzles went through a giant puzzles phase.

Speaker 83 And I actually bought a puzzle table.

Speaker 73 I fucking bought myself a puzzle table for Christmas, and I haven't used it. It's sitting behind one of the doors.
It's this wonderful puzzle table.

Speaker 128 Have you done puzzles on a normal table since then?

Speaker 73 I was doing it on a little card table. No, I haven't done any puzzles.
I just stopped and I have probably eight unopened puzzles at my place right now.

Speaker 44 Wow.

Speaker 159 What made you stop?

Speaker 73 It just got so hard looking for the little pieces.

Speaker 2 Looking for that little piece.

Speaker 108 Like you've got to look for the border at the beginning.

Speaker 73 Like that starts turning into a nightmare. It's like, okay, I'm looking for another border piece.
Then you look for the specific colors and then it just starts becoming such a drag.

Speaker 73 And it's so nice Joel and Jesse are here tonight. It's so nice.
It's like we're back at the comedy store.

Speaker 55 It's a family reunion here.

Speaker 72 A lot of fun energies here.

Speaker 174 Would you like to list off some more things that you were addicted to before we let you out of here?

Speaker 73 Prune juice. I'm currently addicted to prune juice.

Speaker 172 Tony, I had some squirts earlier.

Speaker 73 I fucking get back from Cleveland last night and I'm farting so bad. I had to sleep out on the couch.
It was bad. I'm farting all the time if I don't drink my prune juice.

Speaker 172 Wow.

Speaker 73 All bream buds. That's another kind of doo-doo-related thing.
Super addicted to those things. Used to love whippets.

Speaker 73 Still love whippets.

Speaker 2 You went through a whippet phase?

Speaker 73 Oh, yeah. First time I ever heard fish, the band Fish.

Speaker 73 I was doing Whippets in my buddy's Volvo in high school, and then they came a bit.

Speaker 128 Is that what it takes to make Fish sound good?

Speaker 84 Yes, yes.

Speaker 73 Fuck. Board games.
I was really.

Speaker 80 What was the hardest one to break? What was the artist's addiction to break?

Speaker 73 Yeah, I mean, raisin bread. That was a big one.
I don't know. It was

Speaker 73 yeah, thank you for whoever said that.

Speaker 73 That was a huge one.

Speaker 73 But actually, I was watching a video on YouTube about Dollywood, and they have this wonderful fucking raisin bread, and it was making me think last night I need to go to the store and buy some raisin bread.

Speaker 73 But I didn't. I held strong.
But it was the best-looking raisin bread at Dollywood.

Speaker 73 It almost broke my sobriety on that. Yeah, I have to stop doing this.

Speaker 2 Seriously.

Speaker 89 Wow. But right now, rowing's the thing.

Speaker 73 Rowing's the thing.

Speaker 133 With no end in sight.

Speaker 73 No end in sight. Now I want to get across the Atlantic.

Speaker 179 Really? That's my goal.

Speaker 75 Oh, we would love that.

Speaker 91 Oh, we would love that.

Speaker 50 We would sponsor that here at Kill Tony.

Speaker 12 We would.

Speaker 73 Well, if we actually did it, there'd have to be boats around me, but we could maybe do that.

Speaker 74 How cool would that be?

Speaker 69 Well, you know,

Speaker 133 I think the real way to do it is with no boats around you.

Speaker 2 I think the real way to do it.

Speaker 115 Do you think we go out there into the Atlantic?

Speaker 63 Fearless, yeah.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 128 What did you say? Oh.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 73 Well, let's think about it.

Speaker 105 But the rowing, it's every day and there's no end in sight, huh?

Speaker 73 No, I pretty much think I ain't ever gonna stop rowing.

Speaker 33 William Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 33 Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Speaker 25 For the love of God,

Speaker 167 you have no excuse. You absolutely must.

Speaker 34 Every single goddamn one of you this is an order you go to Netflix and watch life right now and you enjoy the fuck out of it Andrew Schultz the great and powerful how loud can this place get for Andrew Schultz

Speaker 49 another homework assignment April 16th you go to YouTube don't tell comedy and you fucking

Speaker 9 Support the great Derek Post and everybody

Speaker 49 Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 25 How about one more time?

Speaker 28 Vroom Vroom Jetsky Johnson.

Speaker 49 She's on tour. Jetsky Johnson.com.
Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle.

Speaker 140 All these amazing places and much, much more.

Speaker 109 No doubt about it.

Speaker 28 How about one more time for the great return of Joel Berg Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 81 Lesser known characters and dogs of Brown Town are two of his podcasts.

Speaker 34 He has a huge show.

Speaker 26 Him and Jetsky have a huge show at the comedy store March 19th

Speaker 118 called Off Beat.

Speaker 53 And they play music and they fucking are hilarious, obviously.

Speaker 34 Thank you to Nick and YKD.

Speaker 67 Those are nicotine pouches.

Speaker 64 The drawing from Ryan J.E.

Speaker 85 Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 6 Actually, check this out.

Speaker 85 This is a view, guys.

Speaker 2 Ryan draws while he's in Los Angeles.

Speaker 26 Let's check in with the drawing from the great Chris Rogers.

Speaker 14 What has he got?

Speaker 35 Ari Maddie. Ari Maddie on

Speaker 81 overdosing on testosterone.

Speaker 101 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 109 It's the incredible Ari.

Speaker 13 It's Ari Leno, everybody.

Speaker 140 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Speaker 22 Groove line horns.

Speaker 25 How about one more time?

Speaker 64 Michael Gonzalez watching from somewhere.

Speaker 24 Oh, there he is.

Speaker 35 He's gonna play us out.

Speaker 34 Thank you, everybody.

Speaker 87 God bless Kiltoni Red Band.

Speaker 99 Check out SunsetStripATX.com.

Speaker 100 Love you guys.

Speaker 138 London is been announced.

Speaker 90 The O2 Arena.

Speaker 53 Whatever you do, I can't.

Speaker 151 Maybe there won't even, there shouldn't even be tickets available.

Speaker 83 I can't believe. And by the way, we're going nowhere else.

Speaker 173 People have been asking, are you going to Ireland?

Speaker 69 Are you going to Germany when you're in Europe?

Speaker 122 Fuck no.

Speaker 83 One night, the O2 Arena.

Speaker 110 If you live in Europe, you go to the fucking O2 Arena and see us.

Speaker 17 We're not coming to Germany.

Speaker 10 We're not going to Paris.

Speaker 63 You fly to London.

Speaker 39 This is your chance.

Speaker 10 All right.

Speaker 101 Everybody have a good time tonight?

Speaker 149 Schultze, anything else?

Speaker 25 This is amazing.

Speaker 144 We love you so much.

Speaker 25 We love you.

Speaker 14 God bless America. Good night, everybody.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 176 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 176 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.