#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 4 Hey, this is Red Night coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 8 Get Raton!

Speaker 10 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 10 Brian Red Bennett's here, ladies and gentlemen. That's the best damn band in the land.

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Speaker 14 This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world.

Speaker 15 You have made it.

Speaker 17 How about one more time for Matt Muelling here on the electric guitar?

Speaker 10 John D's on the keys behind me. This is D-Madness live in the flesh.
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Speaker 31 You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Speaker 24 Well, then here we go.

Speaker 39 Two of my favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 41 One is, of course, a legendary regular on this show.

Speaker 42 The other is truly one of the greatest guests in this show's history.

Speaker 18 He is an absolute superstar.

Speaker 41 Make some noise for both of them, everyone.

Speaker 46 It is Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson, everybody.

Speaker 48 Oh, yeah, a whole episode.

Speaker 10 The very funny

Speaker 10 Tyler Fisher, the great Cam Patterson.

Speaker 49 We're back, baby.

Speaker 8 They are on tour, TylerFisher.com, CamPatterson.com.

Speaker 17 They've got websites.

Speaker 25 They're on the road doing gigs, selling out everywhere they go.

Speaker 51 Hi, Cam.

Speaker 52 Well, so I got a website now, nigga.

Speaker 53 You got a website.

Speaker 11 I love it.

Speaker 39 And it is.

Speaker 17 It's campatterson.com.

Speaker 40 You were able to secure it.

Speaker 26 Hell yeah.

Speaker 56 You went your first couple years with no website.

Speaker 52 Well, they tried to charge me for it.

Speaker 57 They tried to charge me $2,000 for it. And we called them to a nice little dark room and we got the website out of them.
So it's good.

Speaker 17 Every room is a dark room when you and your people are in.

Speaker 58 Tyler Fisher.

Speaker 48 You know exactly what it means.

Speaker 26 This guy doing the Deion Sanders podcast in his spare time.

Speaker 45 I never get an invite for that.

Speaker 21 Tyler Fisher, what the hell's up, my man?

Speaker 60 I'm sorry. I thought it's going to be rough.
I just landed. I took a Delta flight here, and I'm still just getting reacquainted.

Speaker 41 You're upside down.

Speaker 60 Yeah, it's all upside down now.

Speaker 25 We're going to have some fun tonight. 279 human beings signed up for this opportunity.

Speaker 63 Their names are in this fucking bucket.

Speaker 29 Anything can happen.

Speaker 25 You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 51 That's their 60 seconds and they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 28 I let this public defender in the front row pick the first name tonight.

Speaker 65 We're going to go wrangle that person.

Speaker 17 And well, they...

Speaker 56 get brought over from the bar across the street where we store all these comedians that are hoping and waiting that a human with a headset will walk over and say their name and whatever a signed fucking number however they do this thing we have one of the greatest comedians that we've ever known

Speaker 71 that is part of the show I don't know if he's

Speaker 34 I guess he's a golden ticket winner I don't really know.

Speaker 25 He's just like one of those outlier legends.

Speaker 28 Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Cam's uncle.

Speaker 72 America's favorite uncle.

Speaker 17 This is the one and and only here to get it started with a brand new minute.

Speaker 44 This is David Jolly.

Speaker 74 Ba-ba-ba-ba.

Speaker 75 How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico?

Speaker 75 Hell yeah, y'all down with the president?

Speaker 75 Hell yeah. Trump, the realest nigga to ever do it.
On the last day of his presidency, last time, he freed Kodak, Black, and Lil Wayne.

Speaker 75 Then he sent the ghouls into the Capitol building.

Speaker 75 They were hanging on chandeliers, ripping shit off the wall. I was like, damn, I'm glad these ain't black people.

Speaker 75 My credit score went up 12 points that day.

Speaker 75 Only thing I ain't like about what Trump was the president, I kept on getting these letters in the mail for like free trips on Carnival Cruise Line, all you can eat chicken and shit.

Speaker 75 I was like, you ain't gonna get me like that, 45.

Speaker 75 I seen roots. This is how we got over here the first time.

Speaker 77 I know what was going to happen.

Speaker 75 I was going to pull up to that carnival cruise line. It was going to be me and 45 Dominicans from San Antonio.

Speaker 75 You know, they love a goddamn deal.

Speaker 75 It was going to be a long-bearded white man named Boss.

Speaker 80 He was going to be like, all right, guys, everybody, pick up the chicy, have a seat.

Speaker 4 We're going back to Wakanda.

Speaker 82 All right, thank you. Y'all been a whole bunch of fun, man.

Speaker 24 Tay to Jolly. Hell yeah.
And like that, it has

Speaker 24 begun.

Speaker 10 I understood about 12 words.

Speaker 84 It seemed funny.

Speaker 14 It was funny.

Speaker 52 Nobody fucking knows.

Speaker 75 I usually have a translator with me.

Speaker 78 That bitch took the night off. You know what I mean?

Speaker 75 That dirty bitch.

Speaker 5 Slinging bitch.

Speaker 75 That dirty, stinking whore. Stanking bitch.
We call them stinking scalawag dirty foot bitches.

Speaker 85 Dirty foot bitches. Yeah.

Speaker 86 We all know those types.

Speaker 75 Yeah, yeah, like white women from Kentucky. You know what I mean? Same shit.
But they got dirty feet. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 57 They do.

Speaker 75 Their feet always dirty. They say it in the Bible.

Speaker 36 You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 They do.

Speaker 88 You're not wrong. You ain't know that?

Speaker 89 You didn't read that part?

Speaker 90 What part of the Bible is that exactly?

Speaker 52 Cleated, footy-ish, white woman-ish.

Speaker 60 You ain't hear that verse?

Speaker 72 We're reading different Bibles.

Speaker 53 It's called the E-Bible Bonics.

Speaker 82 You read the Bible?

Speaker 36 Oh, you don't read the Bible. You're a liberal.
My bad.

Speaker 93 Who me? What?

Speaker 8 Ain't you a liberal?

Speaker 94 I don't know what none of that shit means.

Speaker 76 I just like to say it. Do you know what a liberal means?

Speaker 8 No, not at all.

Speaker 74 Not at all.

Speaker 14 I like like to say it. I shouldn't go around calling people.

Speaker 75 Oh, that's it. That's that's how I call the person a gay man.

Speaker 60 It looks like I stormed the capital in a Tesla.

Speaker 96 What are you talking about, man?

Speaker 63 Yeah. Oh, I love it.
We love the blacks.

Speaker 75 We love the blacks so much.

Speaker 78 I love Donald Trump.

Speaker 75 See, they all understand Donald Trump was down with the Negroes in the 80s. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 53 Real shit.

Speaker 77 They don't know that.

Speaker 75 See, everybody wants to throw Donald Trump underneath the bus.

Speaker 98 Donald Trump smoked weed out of blunts.

Speaker 75 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 75 You know what I mean? He's been down with the Negroes. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 8 What the fuck going on, bro?

Speaker 25 Tell us what's been going on in your life.

Speaker 77 Shit, man.

Speaker 75 I've been on the road like the last three months with Cam. I have my thing going.
I be with you. Killers are killed, Tony.
We just out here grinding, baby, you know?

Speaker 25 Yeah, but what else? I mean, that's it.

Speaker 75 Shit, I've been fucking these hoes.

Speaker 72 Okay, let's talk about it.

Speaker 54 I the fuck don't

Speaker 21 sip of my delicious chocolate milk.

Speaker 75 I keep like $40 for a bitch, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 75 It ain't really tricking, it's just that's like light bill money or something.

Speaker 36 You know, I fuck old bitches.

Speaker 75 Old bitches will let your chatty ass up for $40. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 90 You still pay them.

Speaker 75 Well, I mean, it's not paying, it's just like, here you go.

Speaker 75 It's not paying. It's like, it's like a donation.

Speaker 75 It's not required. It's like saying, thank you for being a wonderful woman.

Speaker 2 It's like a tip. Like a tip, like a gratuity.

Speaker 2 It's a gratuity.

Speaker 39 I think gratuity is the woman's name that you fucked in the first place.

Speaker 63 Gratuity Jenkins, head register, in-and-out burger.

Speaker 77 Okay. That bitch with theater, though.

Speaker 60 I believe that. So, you and an old person, you can neither understand what the hell you're saying.

Speaker 36 Oh, yeah, I speak old people.

Speaker 39 Yeah. What do you mean when you say that?

Speaker 36 Old people?

Speaker 75 I understand what they'd be saying because my grandmom was old. I used to have to watch her when I was like 11.

Speaker 36 So

Speaker 75 I paid close attention to what she was saying. And it's a different dialect.

Speaker 40 Like, can you give an example of

Speaker 102 like an old person?

Speaker 41 Yeah, but like you and your grandma like what would your grandma say?

Speaker 60 Do you want me to play as grandma?

Speaker 49 Yeah, let's

Speaker 49 go.

Speaker 101 This is very exciting.

Speaker 21 I thought Cam was going to suggest that

Speaker 12 so I can't get in trouble.

Speaker 77 Hey man, I didn't mean that by it.

Speaker 14 My bad.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry.

Speaker 14 What that even means? I thought we were friends.

Speaker 75 I thought you from New York.

Speaker 76 All New York is liberals, right?

Speaker 82 Well, I got kicked out. That's why I'm here.

Speaker 74 Oh, you're right. You're right.

Speaker 6 What the fuck is a liberal?

Speaker 102 I'm not calling you a homosexual.

Speaker 91 I'm just saying.

Speaker 89 You call me

Speaker 104 there. I'm through it.

Speaker 4 Whoa, what are we talking about? What's going on?

Speaker 14 Who's sucking dick?

Speaker 89 Even with me, sucking dick.

Speaker 14 What's going on?

Speaker 77 Hey, no sucking dick up here, man.

Speaker 5 Yeah, man.

Speaker 63 Come on, man.

Speaker 60 Trump should make an executive order that we could say the N-word once a month.

Speaker 6 At least once a month.

Speaker 14 Once a month, right?

Speaker 49 Get whatever you want.

Speaker 6 Once a month.

Speaker 5 No. It's a free budget.

Speaker 75 But you got to say it with joy, though. It's got to be a job.

Speaker 88 Yeah, you got to say it nicely.

Speaker 8 Well, no, no, no, wait a minute.

Speaker 4 We can't.

Speaker 88 No, no, we fucking.

Speaker 106 Are you going to give the president Donald Trump permission right now to do it?

Speaker 75 $500. If I got $500, you fucking dollars, nigga.

Speaker 8 You say $500?

Speaker 36 You can kick me in the dick for $500.

Speaker 76 I want half a million, nigga, and you can do whatever you want.

Speaker 4 Not me.

Speaker 27 This is Tyler Perry's Kill Tony.

Speaker 70 Welcome to the show.

Speaker 45 For those of you just joining us, we are live on DET right now.

Speaker 64 This is absolutely good.

Speaker 60 We got a couple Negronis here.

Speaker 8 What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 108 Hey,

Speaker 75 that's a beer. That's an Italian beer.
And not only that.

Speaker 4 That's a beer.

Speaker 88 That's close.

Speaker 109 I thought that was a pastry.

Speaker 75 No, no, it's an Italian beer.

Speaker 91 And the groni is an Italian beer.

Speaker 94 I thought it was like some bread.

Speaker 110 That's not bread.

Speaker 89 Some bread. It's bread, right?

Speaker 111 Negroni? No,

Speaker 36 that's a...

Speaker 14 A pipponi. A cannoli.

Speaker 78 A cannoli.

Speaker 53 Cannoli, everybody.

Speaker 112 Let's look up more Italian words and ask the black people what they think they are.

Speaker 77 Hey, mama to me.

Speaker 98 What is a rigatone?

Speaker 78 Oh, that's a funny thing.

Speaker 75 No, that's a pasta. That's a pasta.

Speaker 113 Very good.

Speaker 114 Okay, this is a lot of fun.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah. All right.

Speaker 8 Welcome to this.

Speaker 14 You know what time it is?

Speaker 75 I used to fuck an Italian bitch. Tight shit.

Speaker 97 Move.

Speaker 63 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 77 Okay. She used to make them shits.

Speaker 57 That's how I know what it is. We here for the bullshit.

Speaker 2 She got a big tip.

Speaker 100 Yeah, she did.

Speaker 8 Big old tip.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 25 Does anyone want to guess what

Speaker 34 prego means?

Speaker 36 A pregnant bitch.

Speaker 55 That's. No.

Speaker 75 prego means like traditional, like mama me.

Speaker 4 Like, like, it's

Speaker 14 it mean like happy times.

Speaker 85 It means happy.

Speaker 53 It means like happy.

Speaker 110 Like the sauce?

Speaker 89 The sauce.

Speaker 75 Yeah, I know it's the sauce, but it means like happy times.

Speaker 14 Like, mama me.

Speaker 111 Like, family.

Speaker 93 It's family.

Speaker 45 All of your answers are incorrect.

Speaker 115 It actually means welcome.

Speaker 6 That's what I'm saying. Like, mama me.

Speaker 80 You know what I was saying?

Speaker 6 Mama Mia.

Speaker 11 That's what they say.

Speaker 75 Mama Mia.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 116 Ain't Mario Italian, nigga?

Speaker 75 Yeah, yeah. Him and Luigi.

Speaker 60 Wasn't I supposed to say the N-word is Trump?

Speaker 6 No, no, no, no, Tyler.

Speaker 6 You got $500.

Speaker 110 You got $500,000?

Speaker 75 Shit, you can say whatever you want. You can kick me in the ass, too.
I swear you can.

Speaker 36 For $500.

Speaker 57 Whoa, man, we got to do better than this, man.

Speaker 14 Nigga, I need them $500.

Speaker 60 All right, I got tens, and I got...

Speaker 75 All right, no, no, you can't say the fucking N-word.

Speaker 12 Got some pept-doe business.

Speaker 19 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 117 One shade darker to purple, and they would chug that right now.

Speaker 63 It's a little too pink.

Speaker 53 Look at this bubblegum.

Speaker 54 Bubblegum, look at that shit.

Speaker 14 Bubblegum in a blender.

Speaker 12 This is some black shit.

Speaker 53 I got, look at this, my wallet. I got

Speaker 4 a loose shirt.

Speaker 106 A magnum condom for some reason, just in case you need a quick disguise.

Speaker 78 You must be making water balloons.

Speaker 8 All right.

Speaker 11 Back to Italian black translation game.

Speaker 104 What do you think a Carbonara is?

Speaker 57 Ooh, I know what that is.

Speaker 121 Oh, that's a dish.

Speaker 36 Nope.

Speaker 78 Wait, hold on. Wait a second here.

Speaker 102 Cam was on to something.

Speaker 52 Yeah, nigga, it's a dish, and you put like, you got like little bacon bits in it.

Speaker 14 Oh, my God, that is incredible.

Speaker 79 Cam Patterson. Type shit.

Speaker 11 Type shit.

Speaker 88 Y'all fucked this.

Speaker 94 They think I'm going to do that, huh? Fuck all y'all pussy ass.

Speaker 53 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 60 It's actually pancetta.

Speaker 78 It's not bacon. I hate that.

Speaker 79 Whoa, get the fuckers of pancetta.

Speaker 8 You have to be a liberal.

Speaker 106 Especially not.

Speaker 54 bacon

Speaker 27 panchetta what the fuck is that that's a it's a fancier fattier part i i don't i i could be wrong

Speaker 62 it's very bacon ass

Speaker 82 better bacon it's bacon it's better bacon

Speaker 16 sure is bacon bits you said bacon bits like the trademark brand shaker dry i will close

Speaker 53 he's putting

Speaker 64 it's very controversial on this stage right now matt muelling is yelling about panchetta right now we finally woke him up we figured out what his passions are types of bacon.

Speaker 42 I would have guessed Red Band would be our senior bacon correspondent.

Speaker 11 It's actually old bologna in the hood.

Speaker 14 What? Old Panchetta.

Speaker 57 I don't know what you're talking about right now, Red Band.

Speaker 75 No, Panchetta, like sweet.

Speaker 79 It's kind of sweet a little bit.

Speaker 104 There you go.

Speaker 28 Final Italian word, black translation.

Speaker 123 What, gentlemen?

Speaker 66 What is a spfigatel?

Speaker 77 Oh, that's a fucking moron.

Speaker 124 That's a mooly fucker.

Speaker 14 That's a fucking

Speaker 5 brony.

Speaker 75 God, hey, you fucking moly fucker.

Speaker 64 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 That's not.

Speaker 22 You can't just hit buttons if you don't know if they're right or not.

Speaker 14 What?

Speaker 4 It's an asshole, right?

Speaker 5 Say it again, say it again.

Speaker 71 A sh fig at hell.

Speaker 52 Oh, yeah, that make that motherfucker.

Speaker 6 That's a dickhead.

Speaker 11 Like a dickhead.

Speaker 125 It's a flaky Italian pastry.

Speaker 84 Ah, fuck.

Speaker 18 David, you're a legend.

Speaker 41 Way to get it started tonight.

Speaker 10 So much fun. And like that, it has begun.

Speaker 24 And now,

Speaker 10 you might not know, but it's time for the fucking bucket where absolutely anything can happen.

Speaker 16 We're gonna meet a real human being all uh oh

Speaker 95 there she is the iconic heidi ladies and gentlemen whoa what do you got there it's uh coconut water i brought from home wow absolutely incredible what do you got tequila i love it

Speaker 18 brought to you by peptobismal this is killtony your first bucket poll of the night getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Remy Sweiss, everyone.

Speaker 65 Remy Sweiss.

Speaker 127 Someone told me I look like a retired skinhead.

Speaker 98 That's why I tell women I'm a veterinarian.

Speaker 127 South Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama take more Viagra than any other states in the Union. Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia love their dick pills.
Hey, they did say the South will rise again.

Speaker 127 If at first you don't secede,

Speaker 127 you can dust it off and try again.

Speaker 127 No, even though I look like a racist white guy, I'm not a racist white guy. I'm a racist Arabic guy.

Speaker 127 Big difference.

Speaker 127 I don't know if y'all been watching the news, but it's my turn to be racist. Look at me, look at me.
I'm the N-word now.

Speaker 18 I tell these guys before the show, always I tell the guests the same thing.

Speaker 107 Whatever you do, don't be funny during someone else's minute.

Speaker 18 Or else the people at home are going to think that this comedian's doing good.

Speaker 17 And fucking Tyler Fisher just can't help himself.

Speaker 79 Diarrhea.

Speaker 19 He has to bust out the Pepto and fucking.

Speaker 21 Okay, Remy, you're a psycho.

Speaker 12 Welcome to the show.

Speaker 11 Thanks for having me back.

Speaker 105 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 78 You've been on before?

Speaker 127 Yeah, last year. Appreciate you having me.
Yep.

Speaker 14 Okay. All right, geez.
That's right.

Speaker 54 What are you on?

Speaker 121 Adderall or something?

Speaker 16 No, not yet. Cam, what do you think about this?

Speaker 110 Who the fuck thought you was white, man?

Speaker 5 He looks like a flaky pastry, a little Italian.

Speaker 110 Yeah, the flaky Italian nigga, nigga.

Speaker 130 Okay, so what are you, Remy?

Speaker 49 I'm

Speaker 127 Middle Eastern by descent. Both my folks are from Jordan, but I was born and raised in Oklahoma City.

Speaker 55 Okay.

Speaker 47 We got it.

Speaker 92 Okay.

Speaker 30 Are they still there, your parents?

Speaker 131 Yeah, they are.

Speaker 39 Okay, what do they do in the Middle East?

Speaker 78 Oh, no, in Oklahoma.

Speaker 14 Oh.

Speaker 21 What made your Middle Eastern parents pick Oklahoma?

Speaker 127 There wasn't anybody to tell them what to do in Oklahoma.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 127 Are you familiar with large family politics?

Speaker 61 No.

Speaker 14 Oh, all right.

Speaker 127 I thought you were Italian.

Speaker 69 Well, no big deal, but.

Speaker 34 What do you mean?

Speaker 127 Well, everybody loves to tell people what to do in a large family, right? And there wasn't any family in Oklahoma, so they'd start their their own thing out there.

Speaker 127 It's pretty cool. They used to sling rugs and tapestries out of the back of their trucks.

Speaker 64 No.

Speaker 85 It's cool.

Speaker 127 So they moved to Chicago when they came to America, and then they would drive to LA and back to Route 66.

Speaker 25 Why would they drive when they could have just taken one of the carpets?

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 83 They've got this all backwards.

Speaker 105 Your people are known for this.

Speaker 83 Awesome.

Speaker 108 That was good stuff.

Speaker 127 Yeah, no, they stopped in Oklahoma City, and it was a pretty cool place, and there was an Orthodox community there, and very welcoming.

Speaker 45 Enough. Remy.

Speaker 65 How old are you?

Speaker 127 I'm 44 years old.

Speaker 12 34. How long are you?

Speaker 14 44. 44.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 84 That's a big difference. 44.

Speaker 25 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 127 Hardcore for about three years.

Speaker 130 When you say hardcore, what exactly do you mean?

Speaker 50 You got a taste of the hardcore comedy that you've been doing?

Speaker 127 No, the first time I got on stage to do Open Mic was 2006.

Speaker 87 Oh,

Speaker 50 okay, Red Man, relax.

Speaker 118 Jesus.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 72 No idea why that sound effect should be there, but Oh, because it's hardcore.

Speaker 133 Red band.

Speaker 41 So good.

Speaker 14 So good. Okay.
So you were doing it hardcore.

Speaker 54 Yeah, yes.

Speaker 38 And then what happened?

Speaker 127 No, I messed around for a long time because, you know, life happens and I can't just do open mics growing up.

Speaker 39 Why couldn't you do open mics?

Speaker 127 Mostly I was committed to a relationship

Speaker 127 or a job, but about three years ago, I was able to fully immerse myself and start hitting it and getting to it.

Speaker 65 All right, there's a lot going on here, I guess.

Speaker 121 Okay,

Speaker 134 so

Speaker 130 what was the job that you were doing in which you couldn't do comedy as well?

Speaker 127 I helped run the family business.

Speaker 66 What was the family business?

Speaker 127 We have a pita bakery and we had gyro shops in the mall growing up, so I grew up in a shopping mall in the 80s and 90s.

Speaker 56 PETA, gyros, and carpets.

Speaker 26 Okay, we are.

Speaker 8 That's up. Yeah, we are

Speaker 69 very close to a terrorist attack, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 130 So what do you do now?

Speaker 25 How do you make money now that you get to do comedy so hardcore?

Speaker 127 I Uber. This is a great town to Uber in.

Speaker 17 Oh, there it is.

Speaker 125 That is the trifecta, everybody.

Speaker 127 You know how much time you have to spend grinding these open mics and starting shows and producing little.

Speaker 2 Who are you yelling at?

Speaker 14 Laughing at my Uber job?

Speaker 84 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 54 Oh, my God.

Speaker 80 Why I got to sit next to the psychopaths.

Speaker 60 I got a little knife here for just in case.

Speaker 61 Oh, that's crazy.

Speaker 78 Yeah, what the fuck?

Speaker 12 That's a crazy thing to have.

Speaker 41 If I thought Peptobismo was weird, he's like, oh, I got a knife.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 78 It's very small.

Speaker 91 It's dangerous.

Speaker 78 They got a sword. That knife is adorable.

Speaker 14 You get attacked all the time outside.

Speaker 39 It really is one of the cutest knives I've ever seen.

Speaker 21 What do you do?

Speaker 14 Butter your fucking biscuits with that thing?

Speaker 8 Open up butters?

Speaker 112 Oh my god.

Speaker 54 What is that?

Speaker 12 Kill somebody.

Speaker 2 Is it for grapes?

Speaker 54 Whoa, look out.

Speaker 82 For grapes. Yeah, I cut my grapes in the

Speaker 39 one need their garlic sliced thin?

Speaker 120 Okay. So, Remy, tell us about your life.

Speaker 25 Like, what's been going on? You single?

Speaker 127 Yeah, yeah. Actually,

Speaker 127 trying to start a family. If anybody's unvaccinated out there and they want to start having kids, holler.
I am.

Speaker 11 Remy is that your pitch for the ladies

Speaker 127 yeah when you're 44 you ain't got time to mess around so you're like looking for a woman yeah yeah I got my aunt showing me girls from the old country too

Speaker 127 yeah man this one girl she's a real jihadi okay there you go you have a little joke book from last time

Speaker 112 the small one yes that is correct

Speaker 18 That would be the one that you should have.

Speaker 49 Here, I'll cut it in half.

Speaker 14 What?

Speaker 47 You don't think I...

Speaker 22 All right, there he goes.

Speaker 41 Remy Sweiss, everybody.

Speaker 136 On to the next one.

Speaker 10 This bucket pull is from the inside.

Speaker 100 What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate?

Speaker 100 One who comes when you call, one who doesn't forget to lock the doors, maybe one who doesn't steal your milk, just a little bit at a time, hoping that you won't notice.

Speaker 100 At apartments.com, they understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet. They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

Speaker 100 And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet. And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

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Speaker 100 Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

Speaker 100 When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

Speaker 100 So if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place. Thanks, apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 137 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 118 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 35 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 137 Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket.

Speaker 138 Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

Speaker 137 If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option. Hives during my next spa day?

Speaker 139 Not if I can help it. Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 18 It could be one of you.

Speaker 17 Oh, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 44 Make some noise for Joshua Yellis.

Speaker 72 Joshua Yellis.

Speaker 43 Is that Joshua back there crossing over?

Speaker 19 Joshua, is that you? Back there.

Speaker 140 He's coming from the back.

Speaker 14 Oh, coming from the back.

Speaker 18 That's just a man urinating right there.

Speaker 107 Come on, Joshua.

Speaker 63 Now's your time.

Speaker 18 Now, normally people from the inside tend to not do good.

Speaker 113 It tends to be a lot of people that I've always wanted to try this and I wanted to see how it would go.

Speaker 126 I thought it would go better than that.

Speaker 53 But it could also be,

Speaker 44 you know, the next great talent. So make some noise one more time for Joshua Yellis.

Speaker 127 Oh, Jesus Christ. All right.

Speaker 127 Women argue like terrorists. They fight like terrorists.
I'll give you an example. Every guy in this room knows what I'm talking about.

Speaker 127 You'll say something to your woman.

Speaker 127 You'll say something to your woman that means nothing to you. And she'll take it as a personal fucking attack against everything she believes in.
You'll be sitting on the couch next to her that night.

Speaker 127 And you ask her, you can see that she's pissed. You'll say, Honey, what's wrong?

Speaker 141 She'll say,

Speaker 127 nothing, it's fine. You know she's fucking mad.
An hour goes by.

Speaker 127 She's not ready yet. She's still putting the dynamite in the vest.
She's not ready to blow up the fucking square yet. She's waiting until later in the night, right? You wait an hour.
You say, honey,

Speaker 127 what's wrong?

Speaker 127 It's fine.

Speaker 127 She's still getting her pilot's license, fellas. She doesn't have her box cutter yet.

Speaker 127 She's not ready to hit the towers. As soon as your eyes are closing to go to sleep, she says.

Speaker 17 okay, okay, I'm gonna stop you Joshua

Speaker 14 Holy shit

Speaker 102 Yeah, that is such a Specific story to you and your life.

Speaker 90 Yeah, you're like trying to make it relatable to everybody Everybody's like what the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 31 I'm trying you know you ever have your girls out there getting pilots lessons and you're like what is up with that

Speaker 53 9-11 was funnier than that.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 124 God damn dude.

Speaker 4 Wild Joshua.

Speaker 17 Wild. Let's talk about it.

Speaker 25 You ever do stand-up before?

Speaker 127 Never, dude. It's my first time on stand-up.

Speaker 121 The microphone.

Speaker 25 Everyone was trying to tell you.

Speaker 93 I had to stop people from trying to fix your set for you.

Speaker 14 Because we had already tried.

Speaker 15 Yeah. Talking down here, right?

Speaker 93 So that's not really how it works.

Speaker 14 It's like this. Yeah.

Speaker 127 There you go, dude. First time.

Speaker 120 Fix up the sound. First time.

Speaker 113 Can't hear you. Maybe that's a problem.

Speaker 108 No, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 127 that could easily be the problem. Shout out to Alexandria.
I love you. We're getting married in May.

Speaker 8 Love you so much.

Speaker 113 You haven't even married your wife yet?

Speaker 12 This is crazy.

Speaker 127 She's already my wife to me.

Speaker 91 Is she with you tonight?

Speaker 141 She is not. Okay.
No.

Speaker 127 Hopefully, she'll be watching this.

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 50 I get married tomorrow.

Speaker 79 No way, dude.

Speaker 141 Nice, dude.

Speaker 12 Yeah, you might want to knock it out.

Speaker 2 Get a pre-nub.

Speaker 82 When does this come up?

Speaker 39 So, Joshua, what do you do for work?

Speaker 142 What exactly do you fix with a wrench?

Speaker 127 I'm a truck driver, my man.

Speaker 141 Perfect. Yeah.

Speaker 17 How do you like driving trucks?

Speaker 127 I fucking love it, dude. I love it.
I'm keeping America alive. Me and all the truck drivers out there.
Fuck yeah, man.

Speaker 92 Absolutely.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 59 A very important job.

Speaker 92 God damn right.

Speaker 21 Tell us what it's like out there on the road.

Speaker 59 Tell us some tricks.

Speaker 17 What do you urinate into?

Speaker 127 How do you Gatorade bottles mostly? You know, sometimes a shitty bathroom with a hooker, you know?

Speaker 15 Right.

Speaker 39 Tell us a wild story from you being out there on the road.

Speaker 127 Honestly, man, I don't have a lot of crazy stories. I'm listening to Kill Tony, listening to podcasts, a lot of comedy.
I don't know. Not a lot of crazy stories.

Speaker 10 Give us an interesting...

Speaker 127 No lot, lizards. I'm not over the road, dude.

Speaker 56 Okay, give us an interesting fun fact about your life before we get you out of here and back to obscurity for absolute ever.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 41 What do you deliver?

Speaker 60 It looks like you you deliver a frisbees or something.

Speaker 100 What do you deliver to that?

Speaker 115 What is your load?

Speaker 34 What's your load?

Speaker 76 How do we get gay so fast?

Speaker 110 How we get gay so fucking fast, man.

Speaker 127 I work for a crane company, so mostly counterweights for crane, not that interesting. Sorry, guys.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 51 So, Joshua, most interesting fun fact about your life.

Speaker 69 You have an entire life to reference here.

Speaker 56 Before I let you go, this is your final question. What about your life?

Speaker 127 Anything? I found the most amazing woman in the entire world.

Speaker 72 Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 40 Oh, fuck you. Get out.

Speaker 10 No joke, but go.

Speaker 92 Get out.

Speaker 47 Banished.

Speaker 14 Banished from thy kingdom.

Speaker 144 Oh, I'll tell you the most interesting thing that I've ever seen or had happen to me in my life is I met the most amazing fucking kill yourself.

Speaker 76 I hope that bitch cheat on you, nigga.

Speaker 18 Imagine if everybody did that, just signed up for the show and was like, I love my wife.

Speaker 18 I just came here to say that I listened to this show and I love my wife.

Speaker 14 What the fuck, man.

Speaker 70 Oh, man.

Speaker 19 All right, your next bucket full.

Speaker 18 Hopefully they want to do something in comedy one day.

Speaker 132 Make some noise for Billy Sherman, everybody.

Speaker 42 Here we go.

Speaker 126 Billy Sherman.

Speaker 134 What's up, everybody?

Speaker 78 Yeah, so I'm Puerto Rican,

Speaker 134 Portuguese, Native American, Middle Eastern, Italian,

Speaker 134 and Jewish.

Speaker 134 And if I was a woman, I would look exactly the same.

Speaker 134 I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage.

Speaker 134 Yeah, it's tough. It's tough being Puerto Rican and Jewish.
Puerto Ricans are known for two things. They know how to dance and stab people.

Speaker 134 So please laugh at these jokes.

Speaker 134 I was driving down the street the other day, and I saw a sign that said, drive like your kids live here.

Speaker 134 So I drove away.

Speaker 134 Actually, I don't remember what I was doing because I was wasted.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 134 My mom told me that if my son pees on me, it means that he loves me. So I figured I'd show my dad some love.

Speaker 134 And now I can't go back to the cemetery.

Speaker 37 Billy Sherman. Okay.

Speaker 129 How long have you been on stand-up, Billy?

Speaker 134 About 10 plus years.

Speaker 14 Okay, where at?

Speaker 78 I started in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 33 Do you still live there?

Speaker 134 No, I live here in Austin now.

Speaker 121 How long ago did you move here?

Speaker 134 I just moved here in September of last year.

Speaker 122 Okay, congratulations.

Speaker 29 You a fighter?

Speaker 130 Jiu-Jitsu?

Speaker 134 What is it? Yeah, I just do jiu-jitsu.

Speaker 41 You've been doing it for a long time.

Speaker 34 Three years.

Speaker 120 How did your ear get so fucked up?

Speaker 134 I did. I just...

Speaker 30 That bitch is terrifying. Wow.

Speaker 134 It's a vagina on the side of my head. I just.

Speaker 134 I really love the sport, man, and I just, I love rubbing up against on people, you know?

Speaker 81 Tight.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 53 There's the clit.

Speaker 49 I'm trying to figure that out

Speaker 14 there it is

Speaker 82 you should teach a class on

Speaker 61 Daniel

Speaker 134 Billy what do you do for work I'm a property manager work for Jews what kind of what what exactly is your like day-to-day work like I just try to make sure no one gets evicted and what do you mean you're trying to make sure no one gets evicted I don't know I just like I just deal with a lot of folks that live in apartment complexes and then there's people that are always doing drugs and I have to be like you can't do that here man.

Speaker 15 I can't.

Speaker 51 What kind of drugs are they doing?

Speaker 134 Mostly meth. Yeah.
A lot of math.

Speaker 71 Wow. A lot of math.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 38 What kind of car do you have, Billy?

Speaker 69 You are built very strangely.

Speaker 97 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 134 I'm in my third trimester.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 134 It's a, I drive a car that looks like me. It's a 1999 Toyota Yaris.

Speaker 43 Yeah, that's kind of what I pictured.

Speaker 112 It looks just like me.

Speaker 11 Blue?

Speaker 134 That's a little gray.

Speaker 60 Are the side mirrors all mangled?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 64 Pull the flap up.

Speaker 86 Billy, you ever win in jiu-jitsu?

Speaker 134 I've got maybe about 15 gold medals.

Speaker 14 Oh, wow.

Speaker 83 Holy shit.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 134 Masters Division, though, I'm 32, so I don't know. I'm an old guy.

Speaker 53 You're in the old guy still.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 117 What's your love life like?

Speaker 134 Right now, nothing. Not really happening.

Speaker 54 Right. But,

Speaker 134 yeah, I just got that.

Speaker 134 A lot of black chicks. I like black women.

Speaker 50 You like black women?

Speaker 8 I like black women.

Speaker 54 I like them brown, but Asian black.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 11 What actually?

Speaker 8 How do you get it?

Speaker 134 Well, I'm Puerto Rican, so, you know, I got some melanin.

Speaker 122 You know what I mean? You got some what?

Speaker 134 I got some of that melanin. I got some melanin.

Speaker 8 I said watermelon in.

Speaker 14 Looks like it.

Speaker 83 What is it that you prefer about black women over other women?

Speaker 11 What do you think it is?

Speaker 134 Black women are natural-born lovers, very loyal, and they cook really fucking good, and I like to eat, so that's important to me.

Speaker 82 Yeah, all those bacon bits.

Speaker 83 Billy, what else?

Speaker 21 Do you have any hobbies or anything?

Speaker 134 Besides stand-up comedy and jiu-jitsu,

Speaker 134 I do some Adderall occasionally.

Speaker 134 I like to get kind of tore up sometimes.

Speaker 39 What What do you mean by tore up?

Speaker 134 I just wear this shirt. This is actually my favorite shirt.
I like to wear this.

Speaker 134 Yeah, this is my favorite shirt. I like to just do a lot of Adderall and just get blazed up and just have a good time on the street.

Speaker 17 Smoke pot?

Speaker 53 No, I wouldn't do that. Blazed up.

Speaker 88 You know, like, I just drink a lot.

Speaker 54 What is going on?

Speaker 17 I lost you here just a minute ago.

Speaker 54 Something's going on.

Speaker 134 I drink a lot and I do Adderall.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 134 Do Adderall. So how did that? How did that

Speaker 116 have blazed up?

Speaker 54 You smoke Adderall? all?

Speaker 134 No, I never snorted. I thought about doing it.

Speaker 14 I've never done it yet.

Speaker 52 It's time for a new shirt.

Speaker 116 Did you think about that? Yeah.

Speaker 128 I gotta lose some weight first, man.

Speaker 131 Then I can keep it.

Speaker 14 Yeah, Billy, it's a very tiny shirt.

Speaker 79 I don't think I would fit in it.

Speaker 134 It's struggling.

Speaker 14 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 111 You want to trade?

Speaker 134 I wouldn't, Mike.

Speaker 103 Yeah, shit.

Speaker 140 Well, I wonder if I could fit in. Damn.

Speaker 36 I think you could.

Speaker 88 I think you should love.

Speaker 78 Yeah, you can do it.

Speaker 24 Yeah, you can do it.

Speaker 10 Why not? Let's do it.

Speaker 10 Let him take some Pepto-Bismol.

Speaker 50 Fill it right. Oh, wow.

Speaker 43 He actually did do a shot of Pepto-Bismol there.

Speaker 18 Oh, this is incredible.

Speaker 10 Look at all the layers on this Christmas ornament that we call Tyler Fisher.

Speaker 39 The human Christmas ornament.

Speaker 18 And then we have what appears to be

Speaker 65 this guy is literally.

Speaker 117 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 18 Welcome to the all-new Broadway musical.

Speaker 41 It's meatball and pasta.

Speaker 76 Oh, this is going to be hilarious.

Speaker 25 This is the moment of truth right here.

Speaker 72 It turns out the shirt is huge on Tyler, by the way. A lot of space.

Speaker 58 Wow, actually.

Speaker 14 Whoa.

Speaker 24 Incredible.

Speaker 10 It looks good.

Speaker 43 That looks better than your original shirt.

Speaker 53 Way better.

Speaker 145 Thank you. 40 bucks, bud.

Speaker 12 Very good. Thank you, Red Band.

Speaker 45 How do you feel right now, Billy?

Speaker 14 It almost fits better.

Speaker 134 I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. This is the best.

Speaker 88 He looks like a real illegal now.

Speaker 14 Cheating in, what the fuck, man?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Finish the wall. He could be the wall, Franklin.

Speaker 58 You can be the wall.

Speaker 17 All those ethnicities just turned into Mexican real quick.

Speaker 14 Bad as fuck, no.

Speaker 134 I got to get back to my construction job, Icy.

Speaker 25 That is incredible.

Speaker 84 It It took like 10 years off of you, too.

Speaker 11 You look like a little kid with face.

Speaker 54 I've only 10 pounds, though.

Speaker 127 I don't got the gut.

Speaker 39 You weren't tricking anybody in this show.

Speaker 130 Billy, what do you like to eat?

Speaker 120 How does someone get so

Speaker 134 round?

Speaker 134 I really like brisket.

Speaker 14 Yep.

Speaker 82 Yeah, I really like...

Speaker 134 I like meat.

Speaker 88 Wait a minute, Paul's. Yeah.

Speaker 54 Not that kind, not that kind.

Speaker 76 I love meat.

Speaker 82 I like meat.

Speaker 134 I am a lot of burger and pizzas and sushi and shit, you know.

Speaker 59 Wow, Red Band is hard as a rock right now.

Speaker 26 This is just everything he loves.

Speaker 17 Okay, Billy, congratulations.

Speaker 143 Fun times.

Speaker 17 Here's a big joke book. There you go.

Speaker 55 Thank you.

Speaker 10 He really wanted to catch it. And he did.

Speaker 10 He focused there.

Speaker 146 And he caught the joke book.

Speaker 82 Wow. That's my favorite, Dutch.

Speaker 14 That's my favorite shirt.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Tyler's got a new favorite shirt.

Speaker 60 Does it smell?

Speaker 147 There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Speaker 147 Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Speaker 147 Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Speaker 147 Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

Speaker 147 There's only one DC.

Speaker 147 Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Speaker 139 For those who want more out of Every Moment this summer, Mazda has more 2025 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus awards than any other brand as of May 2025. What more could you ask for?

Speaker 139 Discover how Mazda has more to move you today. Visit iihs.org to learn more.

Speaker 18 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 132 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for you'd me Sharma.

Speaker 40 Udme Sharma.

Speaker 65 Looks like a...

Speaker 48 Yeah, all right.

Speaker 62 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 109 How we doing tonight, folks? We good?

Speaker 91 See, I was drunk in Vegas one time.

Speaker 109 And what I didn't know about Vegas is that you can't hail a cab anywhere on the strip. It has to be like a hotel or one of these designated locations.
I didn't know that.

Speaker 109 So I'm trying to hail a cab, and I'm thinking they're not stopping because they're like, oh, we don't want this drunk idiot in our car.

Speaker 109 But finally, I was able to kind of hail one, and for whatever reason, my drunken mind was like, hey, go speak Spanish to this guy, because it'll be more amicable and giving you a ride.

Speaker 100 So I got to his car and I was like, Senor, Jotel Luxor y Casido, por favor.

Speaker 109 And without missing a beat, he's like, Rapido, Cabron.

Speaker 109 I got in the car, we looked at each other and realized we're both Indian.

Speaker 109 Yeah, he's like, where do we go from here? And I was like, Luxor.

Speaker 109 Luxor still.

Speaker 15 Borfavor.

Speaker 23 Boar favor.

Speaker 109 I'm trying to enjoy the little things in life. Like little titties.

Speaker 109 Man, I wish I had little titties.

Speaker 109 You ever go to give a woman a hug and you and her both realize at the same time you have a bigger sis than her?

Speaker 109 Embarrassing for everybody. Thank you.

Speaker 8 You me Sharma.

Speaker 10 Yes, sir. First time on the show, correct? Yes, sir.
Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 91 How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years.

Speaker 123 Do you always dress like an Indian magician?

Speaker 78 I don't know. Do you always look like a gay one?

Speaker 9 Whoa!

Speaker 14 Oh, my God, he got me gay.

Speaker 149 Sanja say gay.

Speaker 50 Unbelievable.

Speaker 102 What do you do for work, you'd meet Sharma?

Speaker 109 Take a guess.

Speaker 120 Why don't you just answer the fucking question?

Speaker 117 Fair enough, fair enough.

Speaker 109 It's tech. I do tech.

Speaker 4 Oh, who could have got?

Speaker 12 Absolutely. Cam Patterson.

Speaker 80 I thought he sold jewelry. That's what I thought.

Speaker 55 That was my guess.

Speaker 91 I thought he sold earrings and shit.

Speaker 81 Huh?

Speaker 76 Look at his fucking earrings, dickhead.

Speaker 78 Look at his earrings.

Speaker 140 He does have. Look at it, folks.

Speaker 36 Rio Cubic Zarconium.

Speaker 60 You should pierce that guy's vagina with your earring, dude.

Speaker 90 So you and me, let's talk about it.

Speaker 109 37.

Speaker 66 37.

Speaker 91 And you've been working tech pretty much your whole life?

Speaker 109 About six, seven years.

Speaker 123 Okay. What exactly do you do in tech?

Speaker 109 So So I tech support for the most part.

Speaker 73 Like, there's people.

Speaker 36 Do you work from home?

Speaker 109 I do, yeah.

Speaker 17 And so phone calls just come to like a second phone that you have and you help people?

Speaker 109 Usually Zoom calls, but you know.

Speaker 34 So you...

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 109 It's first, I have a couple clients who they need older clients. They need some stuff done.
And I'm like, yeah, I got it.

Speaker 51 Do you Indian it up when you answer those calls?

Speaker 109 I try not to.

Speaker 111 I am your tourist people.

Speaker 63 Or whatever. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 109 I've never heard the Indian accent before. Can you guys believe it?

Speaker 14 This might be.

Speaker 14 You know, this call may be recorded.

Speaker 91 Somehow, still gay.

Speaker 14 It may be.

Speaker 12 It may be recorded for you.

Speaker 45 I'll drop it down to octave so that you can stop thinking about my dick and asshole for a second.

Speaker 24 You

Speaker 62 want Donny.

Speaker 60 Really don't make fun of Donnie like you.

Speaker 8 Do not call me gay.

Speaker 88 But it's not nice. No.

Speaker 8 Very bad.

Speaker 88 No. Very bad.
That's my exit. That's it.
So I like it.

Speaker 114 You'd me, what's your love life like?

Speaker 109 I'm dating somebody.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 82 You're dating someone?

Speaker 41 You did get Indian there for a second.

Speaker 112 Did you hear that?

Speaker 63 Dating someone.

Speaker 132 D-Madness heard the word gay five times in two minutes, so he has to take a break.

Speaker 19 He's famously homophobic.

Speaker 28 He goes back there and hits a punching bag when gay gets mentioned on this show.

Speaker 41 So, Yudmi, what does your girl do for a living?

Speaker 6 Tinker girls.

Speaker 104 She works in tact too.

Speaker 91 She works at hospital works hospital

Speaker 14 and nurse

Speaker 8 local hospital.

Speaker 118 What does she do at the hospital?

Speaker 14 Nurse. She's a nurse.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 16 Did she ever bring any of her like drama home?

Speaker 51 You know what I mean? Like, oh, today there was a guy who lost his arm or whatever.

Speaker 34 Sure, every now and again.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 142 Does anyone, any one of those stories stand out to you?

Speaker 109 Not really, no.

Speaker 152 Do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

Speaker 130 Do you have anything that you do?

Speaker 152 Are Indians known for something?

Speaker 74 They do with that curry hamlet, nigga.

Speaker 10 That's what I was going to say.

Speaker 109 I got a couple moves, Tony. I don't want to show any of those to you, though.

Speaker 64 Are you gay? Unbelievable, Indian.

Speaker 50 No. Unbelievable.

Speaker 109 I said, I don't want to show any of you.

Speaker 17 Right, because that would be gay.

Speaker 109 That would be gay.

Speaker 90 Can you describe them with words what your go-to is in the bedroom?

Speaker 152 She's Indian as well.

Speaker 34 No.

Speaker 36 Latina.

Speaker 4 Whoa.

Speaker 109 Mostly in the Latinas.

Speaker 36 Look at you.

Speaker 109 It's not super serious. So, ladies, I'll be outside.
Okay.

Speaker 55 Wow.

Speaker 21 I love what the confidence that you have

Speaker 17 for a guy shaped like Indian Santa Claus.

Speaker 30 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 82 I wonder if I could fit in his shirt.

Speaker 73 There's some room. Get in here.

Speaker 79 Just keep trading shirts on me.

Speaker 41 Just keep trading it.

Speaker 10 Do you think you could fit in this shirt?

Speaker 55 I cannot.

Speaker 10 Come on, let's do it. Trade shirts with Tyler.

Speaker 151 I am not taking my shirt off.

Speaker 17 Come on.

Speaker 37 Come on.

Speaker 47 You and me, play the room.

Speaker 24 No,

Speaker 55 all of you,

Speaker 101 fuck every single one of you.

Speaker 47 You'd me, come on, look at him.

Speaker 149 Have some fun. He wants to play with you.

Speaker 47 Yeah, I don't think.

Speaker 23 Oh, and have this live forever on the internet. Fuck all of you.

Speaker 144 You'd be like.

Speaker 144 Oh,

Speaker 79 oh, come on.

Speaker 23 How about a best jacket switch?

Speaker 82 I'm calling tech support.

Speaker 8 We need a new fucking comedian.

Speaker 79 We need a new comedian.

Speaker 102 This podcast may be recorded for.

Speaker 82 These jokes may be recorded.

Speaker 17 Yudme, tell us more about your life. What else are you into?

Speaker 129 What's fun about Yudme?

Speaker 11 You have any? Yudy.

Speaker 109 Nope, okay. No, no worries.
It's a...

Speaker 109 Mostly just, I'm just doing comedy for the most part.

Speaker 28 That's an H, not an M, huh?

Speaker 109 Yes, sir.

Speaker 151 UD.

Speaker 68 UD.

Speaker 34 Okay. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 109 Just doing comedy for the most part. I'm here in Austin.
I'm an LA comic here for the week and

Speaker 109 did a couple shows and now I'm here.

Speaker 16 How long have you been doing stand-up in LA?

Speaker 109 Two and a half years.

Speaker 27 So the whole time in LA.

Speaker 105 Are you from L.A.?

Speaker 68 I am.

Speaker 109 Born and raised? Born in India? Grew up in LA.

Speaker 44 How old were you when you moved to LA?

Speaker 105 Nine years old.

Speaker 42 Nine years old. What part of L.A.

Speaker 35 do you live in exactly? West LA.

Speaker 59 West LA.

Speaker 36 By the beach?

Speaker 109 By the airport. Culver City.

Speaker 93 Culver City.

Speaker 34 They know all about it.

Speaker 144 What do you love about Culver City?

Speaker 109 It's a location. It's pretty close to

Speaker 148 anything about LA change in the past 10 years.

Speaker 140 There were a couple of fires. I don't know if you guys heard about those.

Speaker 13 Those were

Speaker 17 not exactly what I'm talking about, unless you're talking about the police cars being on fire.

Speaker 25 Anything else that you've noticed about the culture?

Speaker 109 A lot of shit's changed by L.A.

Speaker 65 Like what?

Speaker 109 Well, I guess it got worse for a while. After COVID, it got worse, and then it kind of come back up now, I think.

Speaker 109 Crimes and shit like that, you know.

Speaker 82 You sure you're not in the valley? It looks like you directed fat porn.

Speaker 63 Oh, well, listen, ladies.

Speaker 90 Ladies, it's back to the ladies again.

Speaker 54 You were a horned motherfucker, hundred dollars.

Speaker 4 Ah, well.

Speaker 12 He really is. There's a lot of energy there.

Speaker 144 Where'd you meet this Latina that you found?

Speaker 38 Hinge.

Speaker 138 Okay. Do you go a lot on the dating sites?

Speaker 36 I try to.

Speaker 34 I don't know.

Speaker 15 Go on a lot of dates.

Speaker 66 What's your go-to moot? Where do you like to take a girl on a date?

Speaker 140 Manhattan Beach.

Speaker 109 Oh. I got a place in Manhattan Beach, go there first date, and then do what you got to do.

Speaker 130 It's your place?

Speaker 82 No, no.

Speaker 109 Like a nice restaurant there.

Speaker 66 Okay, what kind of food is it exactly?

Speaker 109 Bosta, you know, Italian place.

Speaker 34 Carbonar?

Speaker 92 Sure.

Speaker 17 Tai shit. A little swigatel.

Speaker 16 Hell sure.

Speaker 46 You know what that is?

Speaker 109 A little faggotine for Tony?

Speaker 21 Oh, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 92 Got me again.

Speaker 136 Got me.

Speaker 106 Everyone remember when he was scared to take his shirt off because it was going to exist on the internet forever?

Speaker 23 Fucking ever.

Speaker 109 And then I'd be known as the guy, the Indian Bird Kreischer, fucking forever. Yeah, no thanks.

Speaker 88 No. Dirt Kreischer.

Speaker 12 Dirt Kreischer.

Speaker 25 There's a little joke book, my friend.

Speaker 21 Congratulations.

Speaker 10 There goes Budhi Sharma.

Speaker 10 Let's fucking let's juice up the room a little bit.

Speaker 107 You know, it's been kind of fucking...

Speaker 143 We've been missing some energy in here.

Speaker 19 I think it's time that we bring in one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 45 And an absolute anomaly. One of the

Speaker 25 one of the one of just the fucking best.

Speaker 19 On stage, offstage, cool as fuck, absolutely hilarious.

Speaker 18 Very soon, hopefully, he, like us, will be an American citizen.

Speaker 10 But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 24 This is Ari Mati.

Speaker 24 What's up?

Speaker 24 Shut up, bitch.

Speaker 138 It's my time.

Speaker 105 So I've been trying trying to

Speaker 153 assimilate

Speaker 109 fit in

Speaker 98 to the American culture.

Speaker 153 I've been trying to listen to some of your music.

Speaker 98 Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift.

Speaker 4 What a pile of shit, huh?

Speaker 98 How is she famous?

Speaker 98 How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai?

Speaker 98 Who the fuck goes to these concerts?

Speaker 91 Jesus Christ, ISIS, pull your shit together.

Speaker 118 Bomb the concert.

Speaker 131 How many letters do I have to write?

Speaker 89 You hate...

Speaker 76 Isis hates women and gay people, dude.

Speaker 78 At a Taylor Swift concert?

Speaker 5 The homo per square meter.

Speaker 5 Dude, you blow up a Taylor Swift concert next day.

Speaker 4 Perfect society.

Speaker 5 It's like children's music, no?

Speaker 6 I have a teacher.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 5 If you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift and I fuck you,

Speaker 98 I should go to prison.

Speaker 97 Because I'm clearly banging.

Speaker 98 I'm mentally challenged.

Speaker 52 Retarded ass bitch.

Speaker 5 No wonder she's dating a football player, you know?

Speaker 111 Only a man with CT, fucking.

Speaker 97 Those two retards at home.

Speaker 91 Thank you so much. That's my time.

Speaker 47 You're all great.

Speaker 37 There

Speaker 10 it is

Speaker 10 again.

Speaker 24 The one

Speaker 18 and the only.

Speaker 10 You too, white.

Speaker 65 Ari Matty.

Speaker 78 We love it.

Speaker 88 Hey, are you?

Speaker 25 There is no question.

Speaker 17 Everyone agrees with everything you just said.

Speaker 5 But really, who are like...

Speaker 61 They're sick in the head.

Speaker 84 There's people that are truly...

Speaker 76 They have obsessed.

Speaker 153 Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine.

Speaker 34 Yep.

Speaker 88 And she ain't got no ass.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 11 No ass.

Speaker 5 I don't get that either. No ass at all.

Speaker 74 No ass. No ass, no titty.

Speaker 98 No ass, no diddy.

Speaker 51 Has there ever been a female star that big, like a musician that big, that doesn't have an ass?

Speaker 98 See, exactly. When I was young, it was Britney Spears.

Speaker 11 British Pierce?

Speaker 74 Madonna's got ass.

Speaker 4 You don't have no ass.

Speaker 8 Lizzo, Lizzo, hey, look, I can hold you, bro.

Speaker 4 Madonna don't have no ass.

Speaker 63 Oh, right band.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 83 Black band.

Speaker 14 Here you are.

Speaker 14 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 116 I'd rather do Adele.

Speaker 36 Adele?

Speaker 14 Adele. Yeah.

Speaker 116 You fucking with Lizzo?

Speaker 5 I'd rather do Lizzo or Taylor.

Speaker 110 Shit out of Lizzo now.

Speaker 74 I was looking forward to her find a hole.

Speaker 76 She got skinny a little bit.

Speaker 53 She's still big, but that's like

Speaker 154 she got got a little better. Like, listen.

Speaker 54 You think she's skinny?

Speaker 110 She was fat before.

Speaker 119 She is morbidly obese.

Speaker 8 She look better now.

Speaker 154 Look out, Lizzo, right now.

Speaker 53 She's not as fat as she was.

Speaker 87 Listen. Show us a current picture of Lizzo.

Speaker 116 Back then, I will fucking not tell nobody, and now I will fucking tell somebody.

Speaker 40 Lizzo.

Speaker 41 Talking about Lizzo, Red Band.

Speaker 72 He's trying to think of something mediocre to say, so he doesn't even...

Speaker 55 Know what we're talking about.

Speaker 60 They would have to slingshot you into her pussy.

Speaker 52 I'm cool with that.

Speaker 54 I'm cool with that.

Speaker 136 We're going together. We'll go together.

Speaker 121 We'll go together.

Speaker 5 She looks better now. Hunch three could fuck Lizzo.

Speaker 82 Yeah, we can make it happen, baby.

Speaker 116 We all get on his shoulders.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 60 That shirt's looking pretty good, are you?

Speaker 24 Is that?

Speaker 80 What's that? He's been stealing shirts all night, dude.

Speaker 23 Shirts off? Is that the word what?

Speaker 88 No, he's been taking off.

Speaker 53 She's wearing some methadic shirts.

Speaker 85 She's still fat as fuck.

Speaker 89 But you see that shit, though?

Speaker 52 And with a vagina ear.

Speaker 78 You wouldn't even believe it.

Speaker 110 She can get fucked, though.

Speaker 88 I fucked the shit out of Lizzo right now.

Speaker 88 Okay, y'all not whipping me.

Speaker 99 It looks like if someone dipped Red Band in milk chocolate, dude.

Speaker 12 It's no crazy.

Speaker 17 Yeah, you're just thinking about how big she was before.

Speaker 76 Well, yeah, she got a little better.

Speaker 11 Here she is right here, everybody.

Speaker 9 Lizzo.

Speaker 15 Here she is.

Speaker 37 What happened to you?

Speaker 88 First thing you say is, Cam, fuck you.

Speaker 79 I ain't say shit.

Speaker 19 Taylor's got no ass.

Speaker 45 Lizzo has no eyes.

Speaker 112 The world is crazy.

Speaker 14 Lizzo.

Speaker 26 Yeah, she's huge.

Speaker 21 Ari Maddie, what else is going on?

Speaker 153 We went to, we're doing some of those killers of Kill Tony's, you know.

Speaker 98 Oh, I hung out with Cam's family.

Speaker 104 Dude, he's got a crazy, this is a crazy family, huh?

Speaker 76 His dad is so funny.

Speaker 98 I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work, huh?

Speaker 5 Dude, at one point we did the show.

Speaker 5 We did the show.

Speaker 98 We go to the green room and Cam just wants a second after he said, he just wants a second to sit down before he goes out for the meet and greet.

Speaker 98 And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door, and goes, Cam, I got to talk to you.

Speaker 128 Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting.

Speaker 78 Get on out there and make us some money.

Speaker 8 What the fuck are you welcome for, Red Man?

Speaker 21 It is.

Speaker 106 true.

Speaker 120 It is your traditional, I guess it is indeed part of the culture, much like having a big entourage, having a dad.

Speaker 152 If you're a black dad, one thing that I've learned, and maybe this isn't everybody, but just my own personal studies,

Speaker 15 is that if the black dad is present in the black young achieving artist's life,

Speaker 15 or

Speaker 93 athlete's life. And yes, it is a big F.

Speaker 107 Thanks for adding that in.

Speaker 14 That is Fox News contributor Tyler fisher

Speaker 66 but if they are in the young artist or athlete successful life they do tend to be the one that takes the check that kind of like and deposits it and does everything i i asked him that they he came uh

Speaker 20 Michael, what were you saying, Michael?

Speaker 74 He came to the show last week with a whole Gucci outfit on

Speaker 110 this money from and he looked me in my face and said my investment paid off

Speaker 8 Black Rock.

Speaker 14 That's true.

Speaker 153 That's the way you can that's the way when you're a black guy you can get your dad to stick around.

Speaker 78 You got to become a global superstar.

Speaker 14 He'll be around.

Speaker 62 Oh, they'll show up

Speaker 28 so funny they will show up i've had a couple black men pop into my life claiming to be my long-lost father

Speaker 14 okay red man jesus

Speaker 12 christ the wheel three times in a row red man crazy it's crazy that shirt is so red it is a red shirt i found it at a secondhand store in schnechter daddy Schnechtedaddy I went to yeah upstate New York didn't know New York is that big

Speaker 12 You know, I was, dude.

Speaker 147 Dude, I was so excited to go to New York.

Speaker 153 In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know, just...

Speaker 153 And then we land in Schnecktedaddy and Binghamton, dude.

Speaker 91 I kept walking around Schnecktedaddy, asking for people which way is Statue of Liberty.

Speaker 53 Schnecked Daddy.

Speaker 91 Fuck, this country's big.

Speaker 116 What where the fuck is Schneckstaddi at?

Speaker 89 You haven't beat the chicken schnitzel?

Speaker 82 Schenectady.

Speaker 11 Schnecked. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 153 Schneck the daddy.

Speaker 41 Schneck the daddy.

Speaker 8 Is that in your place?

Speaker 45 It's not exactly pronounced schneck to daddy.

Speaker 18 But I like the way Ari says it, so we're going to stick with it.

Speaker 84 But yeah, it's upstate New York, not far from the Canadian border, probably, right?

Speaker 11 Probably an hour. No idea.
I turned on Google.

Speaker 12 Are those proud Canadians over there?

Speaker 14 Is that the pop that I'm hearing?

Speaker 26 Nope. Perfect.

Speaker 50 All right, God.

Speaker 154 Is that my Rochester?

Speaker 65 Whoa, there they are.

Speaker 18 We found them.

Speaker 58 There's the upstate New York people that hate Rochester.

Speaker 89 Fuck Rochester, nigga.

Speaker 40 Oh, my God. The place is chaos.

Speaker 12 I stand on that, too.

Speaker 42 Upstate New York, a highly debated topic.

Speaker 40 Is it worse than hell?

Speaker 135 Ah, a lot of people.

Speaker 14 He was bleak.

Speaker 153 Like I asked a barista there, like a lady, I was like, so what do you?

Speaker 153 Because I was trying to figure out what the fuck, what is it?

Speaker 91 And I was like, so, like, what do you do here?

Speaker 83 She goes, Well, I'm the quarterback for the Buffalo Bills.

Speaker 122 In the offseason, I make coffee.

Speaker 69 Actually, the quarterback for the Bills is cool.

Speaker 56 Josh Allen.

Speaker 83 Not actually, yay, everybody.

Speaker 39 I know who Josh Allen is, and I didn't know what the bean was.

Speaker 84 Flag on the play.

Speaker 12 Lying by the homosexual.

Speaker 16 15-yard penalty.

Speaker 56 They're down.

Speaker 17 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 14 Red Dan.

Speaker 65 A lot of Red Bull for you today, huh?

Speaker 49 Jesus fucking.

Speaker 65 It's like fucking Beethoven on a soundboard over here.

Speaker 113 It's like, I don't think you need both hands, Red Ban.

Speaker 150 Anything else crazy, Ari, before we get back to this bucket?

Speaker 153 No, just been enjoying life. The fans are so good.

Speaker 42 You are

Speaker 69 always rock solid with your minutes.

Speaker 93 Absolutely incredible. You've done it again.

Speaker 98 Thank you so much. All right, now

Speaker 10 back to the bucket.

Speaker 45 We go, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Craig Baxter, everybody.

Speaker 18 Craig Baxter. Here we go.

Speaker 72 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 146 Let's go.

Speaker 88 Do I just go?

Speaker 128 I don't have to.

Speaker 131 You guys, how you doing? You guys, everybody from Austin? We got foreigners here? What do we got?

Speaker 131 Guy in the plane doesn't even follow comedy. He's like, this is the place to be.
Then I get here. The odds are like 8 million to one to be on here.

Speaker 131 I'm from a small town, man. I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show.

Speaker 131 They don't even fit. They're like falling out of the front doors over there.

Speaker 131 What do we got here tonight? We got how many single people we got?

Speaker 131 We got a couple. How many married people?

Speaker 131 All right, one group has hope.

Speaker 102 That's cool.

Speaker 131 You guys, you ever

Speaker 131 see underwear in your trash skip work and file for divorce?

Speaker 131 My family left it down by the road. The neighbors are walking their dog, calling 911

Speaker 131 about the bodies buried next door. You know,

Speaker 131 they're posting pics on Facebook like hashtag graves next door

Speaker 131 hashtag milk carton kids mystery solved hashtag time to move

Speaker 43 I'm gonna cut you off there Craig before the bear steps in step on that red X over there get way over there where the where you should be

Speaker 21 Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show Craig.

Speaker 40 How are you?

Speaker 131 Great. How you doing?

Speaker 54 Great.

Speaker 119 It was an okay performance. Good news.

Speaker 17 I have 438 questions to ask you right now.

Speaker 131 All right, what do you got?

Speaker 17 You are an incredible specimen.

Speaker 90 Let's start there.

Speaker 131 51.

Speaker 65 51.

Speaker 129 How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 131 About since 2013, 10 years.

Speaker 36 Okay,

Speaker 36 where have you been doing this?

Speaker 148 Under like corporate parties or something like that?

Speaker 102 Is it some kind of, where are you doing it at?

Speaker 131 Yeah, well, Erie PA. There's not much.
Erie Paul.

Speaker 41 Eri PA, I know it very well.

Speaker 25 Not far from where I was raised in Youngstown, Ohio.

Speaker 129 Yes, you know of Youngstown.

Speaker 68 About, what, What is that, about an hour away?

Speaker 15 Yeah, yeah. Yep.

Speaker 33 Okay, what do you do for work in Erie PA?

Speaker 131 Quality control, food industry.

Speaker 73 Wow, what exactly are you checking?

Speaker 131 I'm checking grape juice. I'm checking.
I used to work with salt, all kinds of stuff.

Speaker 25 Oh, I don't know if you know this, but Cam is also a grape juice quality control.

Speaker 25 Look at that good.

Speaker 154 I'm too drunk to respond to that right now.

Speaker 82 It's on it.

Speaker 88 How you feel about that? You like black people?

Speaker 131 Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 11 Hell yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 112 Why not?

Speaker 89 I like this guy a lot.

Speaker 2 What's the difference? He's killed a couple, it looks like.

Speaker 60 He looks like the accountant for a serial killer.

Speaker 12 It really is.

Speaker 8 Does it pay?

Speaker 63 You have a real look to you.

Speaker 65 Craig, I gotta know.

Speaker 105 I mean, there is no question. You live alone?

Speaker 112 yeah yeah

Speaker 112 yeah

Speaker 17 there is no question I've asked almost everyone probably about I would have to guess 70 to 80 percent of all the bucket pools I've asked if they have any hobbies now I'm I'm gonna get there but I'm not asking yet let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a hobby but you have hobbies you are the kind of guy that has a fucking room dedicated to something the walls are covered in it they're in collectible film there's There's something going on here.

Speaker 130 Might be trains, might be cards.

Speaker 18 Thank you, Red Band.

Speaker 65 Thank you for adding so deeply to this.

Speaker 45 Thank you even more.

Speaker 39 But there is no question in my mind that you are a man of many hobbies.

Speaker 26 What are those hobbies?

Speaker 131 Hobby? Cycling, cross-country skiing, triathlons?

Speaker 40 A super athlete.

Speaker 65 I wouldn't have guessed that, actually.

Speaker 20 Are you the guy that was choking out the meatball jiu-jitsu guy earlier?

Speaker 64 No. All right.

Speaker 29 Wow.

Speaker 106 So you're in good shape, huh?

Speaker 131 Well, yeah, I'm getting old, but yeah.

Speaker 15 Right.

Speaker 17 Well, some people are asking to take it off.

Speaker 40 This is a very wild show.

Speaker 47 Wow.

Speaker 10 How many of you guys think Craig and Tyler should trade shirts, huh?

Speaker 10 Let's do it.

Speaker 60 You want to try this one up?

Speaker 11 Yeah, let's do a little switcheroo.

Speaker 10 Tyler is tossing me the knife.

Speaker 18 This is absolutely incredible what's happening here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 This shirt is going... What's going to be funny is when Craig goes back across the street to the bar and runs into fucking Remy Sweiss and is like, hey,

Speaker 14 where the hell did you get?

Speaker 149 That's my favorite shirt.

Speaker 49 Wow.

Speaker 10 Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on.

Speaker 10 Honey, I shrunk my panel guest.

Speaker 14 This is incredible.

Speaker 50 Absolutely adorable, Tyler Fisher.

Speaker 63 Oh

Speaker 112 my goodness. Wow.

Speaker 102 This is a full switch of room.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 54 Yeah, yeah, turn around.

Speaker 84 This is incredible.

Speaker 17 Welcome to Bill and Ted's not so excellent adventure.

Speaker 78 Looks like Josh Potter.

Speaker 105 I don't even know which one's which now.

Speaker 21 This is incredible at this point.

Speaker 86 Somehow, somehow Craig Baxter looks young.

Speaker 21 Craig's like that hot chick in a rom-com. Takes the glasses off, turns into a stud.

Speaker 30 I'm like, what do you collect trains?

Speaker 18 He's like, I'm a triathloid.

Speaker 12 This is incredible, Craig.

Speaker 41 You need to get the fucking LASIC, bro.

Speaker 19 All right, band, everyone, settle down.

Speaker 28 Let's check in with Tyler Fisher here.

Speaker 82 I can't see shit, dude. How do you kill those people?

Speaker 82 How do you fucking kill those people, man?

Speaker 60 No wonder he's got to stay in shape. He's got a fucking

Speaker 114 Do you feel different in those glasses?

Speaker 18 Yeah, dude. I feel like I want to fuck a kid.

Speaker 104 Like I want to fuck myself.

Speaker 6 I can't even figure it out.

Speaker 114 It is incredible. There's no doubt about it.

Speaker 112 This does look like.

Speaker 79 Right?

Speaker 41 If you didn't have facial hair, I would call the police on this duo right now, Tyler.

Speaker 136 We can catch pedophiles. I'll be the kid.

Speaker 50 Got him, get him, come on, get him.

Speaker 2 I can't see him.

Speaker 82 I can't see him.

Speaker 6 I can't fuck him if I can't see him.

Speaker 28 The kid from behind, the pedophile from the front, it is unbelievable.

Speaker 102 Wow. It just looks like pedophile Halloween costume.

Speaker 60 It's just in the bag.

Speaker 2 You go, oh, shit.

Speaker 105 Tyler, come back over here. Keep the glasses.

Speaker 84 I want to talk to Craig without his glasses.

Speaker 65 Craig, are you aware that you literally look 30 years younger without the glasses on?

Speaker 39 You look like a human, like a good, decent human being.

Speaker 131 You know, you'll probably enjoy this.

Speaker 131 The eye doctor, he said, I went in for LASIK. He said, I can't even fix this.

Speaker 131 He wasn't even, he said, I've been doing this 30 years. Nothing I can do.

Speaker 14 Now, what does it look like?

Speaker 13 What's the difference between glasses and oh shit?

Speaker 11 Oh, shit.

Speaker 46 Scam Patterson has arrived, everybody.

Speaker 65 Hey, copy.

Speaker 83 Hey, give me that routing number, girl.

Speaker 116 I'll do your taxes for you. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 5 They said that shit look real good, nigga.

Speaker 14 It's whoopee right there.

Speaker 2 His highlighted.

Speaker 88 What did he say?

Speaker 110 Well, they're outside and really fucked up, nigga.

Speaker 128 This is terrible.

Speaker 120 I could tell your eyes are bad, Craig, by the way that you buttoned your shirt.

Speaker 112 You came in with your shirt tucked in now you have the eighth button up on the fourth button down this is incredible I would lose the glasses you look fucking hot man is that what I look like

Speaker 76 no we're my single people come on people

Speaker 82 he also looks like Macaulay Culcan on meth this is weird man

Speaker 66 It is so let's talk about it.

Speaker 29 How bad is your vision? Can you drive without glasses?

Speaker 14 Can you?

Speaker 131 Into stuff, yeah.

Speaker 107 So it's really bad, huh?

Speaker 86 How many fingers am I holding up?

Speaker 17 How many fingers am I holding up?

Speaker 131 I think four, but that's just because I know you have a whole hand.

Speaker 21 I mean, okay, let's try it again.

Speaker 41 How about now?

Speaker 131 I'm going

Speaker 127 two to four.

Speaker 41 That's a good guess. It is a very good guess.

Speaker 78 Oh my God, what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 14 Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Speaker 6 This is crazy.

Speaker 6 Holy shit.

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 86 You are fucking halfway to D-Madness land, dude.

Speaker 113 That is unbelievable. You could be a Delta pilot.

Speaker 5 It could. I could.

Speaker 60 Yeah, I'm still fucking banned from that airline, so.

Speaker 84 So, Craig, what is exactly going on with your love life?

Speaker 66 I gotta know.

Speaker 67 Like, you just haven't...

Speaker 130 What are you into?

Speaker 144 Big booty Latinas?

Speaker 131 Yeah, that's a good choice, actually.

Speaker 131 Maybe I should have gone to Miami. I thought Austin was the place, but, you know.

Speaker 80 I love this guy, man.

Speaker 14 I know.

Speaker 122 He is fantastic.

Speaker 132 Are you on, like, the dating apps or something?

Speaker 131 No, but that's one of my jokes. I was going to do it, but I ran out of time.

Speaker 86 Go right ahead.

Speaker 131 Hey, you guys.

Speaker 10 You don't need to ask them if they're on the dating apps.

Speaker 131 Just do the joke.

Speaker 131 Well, that's the story of the video.

Speaker 21 Okay, well, you can do it without.

Speaker 131 you guys on eHarmony, match.com, or Tinder?

Speaker 13 I'm not a stalker.

Speaker 131 One in four people has a profile, none of them here. That's plausible.

Speaker 131 You know what I like about the dating ads? I like when women are honest, you know, when they're like, if you're married with kids and here to cheat, keep in mind I'm a leper.

Speaker 131 That's a chick I want to hang out with. She's spunky, you know?

Speaker 89 You should word spunky, nigga.

Speaker 116 It's 2025.

Speaker 110 You just said spunky, nigga.

Speaker 21 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 152 Wait, was that your impression of a black guy?

Speaker 131 That's that's my about to get an ass kicked as a white guy.

Speaker 146 We love it. We love it.
We love it.

Speaker 31 So, Craig, like, tell me, your last, like, date, what was that?

Speaker 40 Let's just go with the last one.

Speaker 26 Like, where was that?

Speaker 17 How does that go down?

Speaker 142 Where do you find this person?

Speaker 150 Turn your hat backwards so we could all see your face.

Speaker 85 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 26 Guys, hot.

Speaker 131 Be honest, it was like hike, you know, that didn't really go anywhere.

Speaker 120 Did she make it back from the hiking trip?

Speaker 131 I heard on Facebook she did.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 120 So your last one was a hike.

Speaker 45 Nothing happened there.

Speaker 17 How about the last time you got some action?

Speaker 28 Where do you find this innocent victim?

Speaker 131 In Erie. Have you seen the people in Erie? Man,

Speaker 131 we've got like depression, snow, and diabetes.

Speaker 14 Okay, but let's get back to that question.

Speaker 122 The last time you got laid,

Speaker 100 when was that?

Speaker 86 Well, before my eyes went bad.

Speaker 131 I had contacts for a couple years. That was good.

Speaker 29 Let's go back to the question.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 44 Let's try it again here.

Speaker 3 Last time you had intercourse with a living woman.

Speaker 131 Living woman.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 131 And what about that?

Speaker 26 When was that?

Speaker 8 Ballpark.

Speaker 50 Year, ten years?

Speaker 131 About three years. Okay.

Speaker 17 And so was that your girlfriend at the time or something like that?

Speaker 131 Yeah, well, friend from the sports.

Speaker 131 All right. Good looking triathlete girl.
Yeah.

Speaker 29 Good looking triathlete girl.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 130 do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom?

Speaker 26 Do you have any tricks to please the ladies?

Speaker 93 Like Like the calculator or something like that.

Speaker 86 Boobs.

Speaker 8 Okay, I'm bothering him.

Speaker 144 He does look like he would touch a boob and say boobs.

Speaker 58 Boobs.

Speaker 91 Well, because you can't see him.

Speaker 82 Boobs.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah, those are my boobs, Craig.

Speaker 131 It's all about the tongue.

Speaker 72 Okay, the tongue guy.

Speaker 85 Craig,

Speaker 44 flipped a coin and answered correctly.

Speaker 12 You are correct.

Speaker 130 What is your trick with the tongue? What do you do?

Speaker 131 It's all about rhythm.

Speaker 122 It's all about back.

Speaker 115 And let's see.

Speaker 21 Do you have any rhythm?

Speaker 4 Oh, my. Well,

Speaker 133 I wasn't actually expecting that.

Speaker 112 When I said, let's see, I was going to ask.

Speaker 112 I was going to go, let's see, and you were going to start eating air pussy over there.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 60 You might be eating ear pussy when that guy takes his shirt back.

Speaker 88 They set you up right now.

Speaker 60 Take the glasses off and go to town on that guy's fucking ear.

Speaker 18 He's going to let you go up on him.

Speaker 69 Because he has a pussy for an ear. He has cauliflower ear.

Speaker 122 It's a whole thing.

Speaker 124 Okay.

Speaker 17 Man, Craig, you are such an interesting guy.

Speaker 27 I feel like I could talk to you forever.

Speaker 42 Fun times up here.

Speaker 18 You still live in Erie?

Speaker 43 Yes.

Speaker 25 And what made you come to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 131 Kill Tony.

Speaker 129 But I mean, you just came and you signed up.

Speaker 25 This is your first time signing up.

Speaker 131 Yeah, I was just going to do a bunch of comedy stuff, get out of the snow.

Speaker 66 Perfect. And it worked out for you.

Speaker 29 Here's a big joke book, Craig, just because

Speaker 10 I love your interview.

Speaker 37 And he caught the book.

Speaker 10 Absolutely incredible. Wait, let's hold on.

Speaker 129 Take out the glasses, and I'm going to throw you one of these little joke books, and I want to see if you can catch it.

Speaker 132 I'm not going to hit you in the face. I'm going to leave it short just so you know.

Speaker 10 I just want to see if you could do it.

Speaker 24 Ready? Yeah.

Speaker 24 Whoa!

Speaker 10 Absolutely incredible. Here, throw that back.
You don't get to keep that one. You got a big one.

Speaker 133 I'll take that. The budget is.

Speaker 5 We'll keep the shirt, but I'll take the hat.

Speaker 60 Here's 10 bucks.

Speaker 73 Go buy a new shirt.

Speaker 41 I'll see you in the video. You have a new shirt.

Speaker 22 All is even.

Speaker 44 You got a new joke book.

Speaker 41 And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 Craig back. Take it easy.

Speaker 10 He had a fun time. No one needs to get murdered because he had a good time.

Speaker 69 We're all safe here tonight.

Speaker 18 Oh, you know he's having that time of his life.

Speaker 126 There's going to be a grave rob tonight.

Speaker 65 Just a mutilated corpse of a woman being ravaged while his bare ass bounces up and down with never-ending triathlete cardio.

Speaker 72 Just fucking a corpse all night long.

Speaker 18 That is a guy that never goes out of breath.

Speaker 21 And he can see police coming from six miles away.

Speaker 22 Alright, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Gowana.

Speaker 50 Gowana, everybody.

Speaker 24 Giwana, perhaps.

Speaker 53 Gaiwana?

Speaker 11 Giwana?

Speaker 112 It is inside?

Speaker 19 It doesn't say inside.

Speaker 22 Is this Gwana?

Speaker 54 Keep coming, Guana.

Speaker 22 Well, you saw how it went earlier with an inside bucket pull.

Speaker 41 I've tried to warn you.

Speaker 44 We will see how how it goes again.

Speaker 43 Usually, a fan that has seen the show and doesn't answer questions directly.

Speaker 29 Very exciting stuff, but anything could happen.

Speaker 17 This could be a prodigy, everybody.

Speaker 93 It could truly be the next regular or golden ticket winner.

Speaker 11 This is Guana.

Speaker 156 So, I recently found out that steroids make me manic.

Speaker 155 Have you ever woke up like

Speaker 155 in this corner standing at five foot eleven

Speaker 155 equipped with retard strength?

Speaker 97 It's drawing

Speaker 156 because I have

Speaker 155 I accidentally cut my finger off in the procession.

Speaker 13 dollars.

Speaker 15 It's okay, I can go.

Speaker 15 I'm from the Northwest area.

Speaker 155 Wednesday.

Speaker 111 Pinky out.

Speaker 40 I hate this show.

Speaker 10 I hate it. We've been doing it too long.

Speaker 18 I think we beat the game.

Speaker 146 I think it's over, everybody.

Speaker 14 It's just

Speaker 72 wild what's happening.

Speaker 116 Why you pop that ass this way?

Speaker 154 You got no ass at all, man.

Speaker 148 What is going on?

Speaker 76 That shit terrible, dog.

Speaker 40 Taylor's shifty over here.

Speaker 8 Hold up, guys.

Speaker 156 I just want to say, I believe that.

Speaker 64 Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 125 Relax, relax, hold on. You have to.

Speaker 116 You scale this young white lady.

Speaker 111 It takes time.

Speaker 111 Hold on. It takes time.

Speaker 40 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 17 Don't cup the mic like that and just talk whenever you want.

Speaker 113 Okay, Tyler Fisher.

Speaker 60 I gotta say something. Tonight, this might be the only shirt that actually fits me.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 24 Guana, am I saying that correctly?

Speaker 156 Yeah, it's the feminine version of batshit.

Speaker 111 Guana.

Speaker 52 Oh, that bitch crazy.

Speaker 116 This bitch is insane, person.

Speaker 14 She is something else.

Speaker 13 Guana, is that always how long have you gone by Guana?

Speaker 155 For quite a while now.

Speaker 156 Okay. So, So

Speaker 59 how many times have you been to prison?

Speaker 156 Well, I was once on accident.

Speaker 156 I was 17. I was in West Virginia.
And

Speaker 156 the people I was with was a little crazy. So the jail was burnt down.

Speaker 156 And they took us to prison. And I was too afraid to call my dad.
So I stayed there for like three fucking weeks.

Speaker 130 What were the people that you were staying with doing?

Speaker 16 Cam?

Speaker 80 I think she escaped. I think she escaped.

Speaker 156 i i don't think she posted be free i think this is an insane person it's a mental patient and we need to help her right now why did they send you to prison at 17 i i literally would not call my dad right right right right right but what was the offense that sent you what did you do what did the cops say that you did they said the dog hit from marijuana on my car

Speaker 156 uh-huh but they couldn't find it What was it in there?

Speaker 36 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 4 Where was it?

Speaker 104 Dude, okay, so like are you still?

Speaker 42 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 107 See, that's, we're not doing that.

Speaker 89 Are you still working

Speaker 14 on Taco Bell?

Speaker 121 Okay, okay, I will let you go.

Speaker 53 Kohan.

Speaker 156 And I took the tray and it, like, fit under my passenger seat of my car so perfect, like under the tracks that if you fell under it, it just felt like the bottom of your car. Life heck.
Wow.

Speaker 156 And that, yeah, they didn't find it.

Speaker 42 I feel people going to Taco Bell all around the country right now just so that they could hide their marijuana in an open cardboard box so that anybody can smell it, but you cannot for the life of you find it.

Speaker 124 Facts.

Speaker 156 Facts indeed. It's not the box is like the tray that you get when you go eat inside.
Got you.

Speaker 45 How about the second time you went to prison?

Speaker 11 Nope. There was no second time?

Speaker 14 No. That was it.

Speaker 15 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 14 I thought you said... I thought I was...

Speaker 156 No, well, I've definitely been to jail.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 136 How about that?

Speaker 25 That's a great point.

Speaker 107 I am saying prison

Speaker 17 like a savage over here.

Speaker 143 I just assume you're at a full-time prison, but what have you been to jail for?

Speaker 67 Let's name some more fun offenses here.

Speaker 156 They're not fun, though.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 6 It's serious shit.

Speaker 124 Okay.

Speaker 28 Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson.

Speaker 6 For sure. Okay,

Speaker 132 what were the offenses that sent you to jail?

Speaker 156 Yeah, get rid of them. Well, I fucking tried to kill myself.

Speaker 54 Okay, they put you to jail.

Speaker 24 Hold on, okay.

Speaker 18 Okay, everyone relax.

Speaker 79 I told you this bitch escape.

Speaker 8 It's wild.

Speaker 25 Three sound effects at once.

Speaker 60 Why did you crash that plane in Toronto?

Speaker 64 Well,

Speaker 50 hold on. Okay.

Speaker 17 When did you try to kill yourself?

Speaker 6 Let's say, like, uh,

Speaker 156 in 2021.

Speaker 66 Okay, that's very recent.

Speaker 61 What happened?

Speaker 156 Um, so, long story short, I was like on a bunch of meds from the doctor trying to get my mental health right.

Speaker 156 And my friend at the time, my best friend, since like my whole entire life, she was trying to do the same thing,

Speaker 156 but she took her life.

Speaker 14 Gone. Your friend killed herself.

Speaker 11 Yeah, right.

Speaker 103 Gone.

Speaker 156 And we were like trying really hard to get her meds right. No matter what we did, it didn't work.
And she's gone. And like, and I couldn't handle it, and I wasn't handling myself well.

Speaker 156 And I tried to do the same thing out of like not thinking correctly.

Speaker 111 And got it.

Speaker 17 How did you try to do it? How did you try to kill yourself?

Speaker 156 So I took like 45 Xanax bars.

Speaker 156 No lie.

Speaker 82 Two less than tonight.

Speaker 156 And I like uh...

Speaker 60 I can overdose on this. I'm so small.

Speaker 119 What do you do for work now, Guana?

Speaker 156 So I'm an artist. Okay, like a really awesome artist.
I love art.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 156 Tattoo artist. I do art.

Speaker 37 And uh...

Speaker 156 Okay. I door dash.

Speaker 10 Okay. You do what?

Speaker 156 Door dash.

Speaker 99 You do DoorDash.

Speaker 52 She don't got no pinky, but she a tattoo artist.

Speaker 30 People, well, you're probably right-handed, right?

Speaker 13 Oh, shit. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 156 Look how big my hands are, first of all.

Speaker 13 Hey.

Speaker 63 Whoa.

Speaker 156 How about working man hands? I can do a lot of shit with these girls.

Speaker 49 What's up?

Speaker 28 You also have working man's face, Gwana.

Speaker 99 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 86 Okay, we're having fun here.

Speaker 82 You could actually afford to lose half a finger.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Gwana, let's go through the pinky slicing moment here.

Speaker 53 How did that happen?

Speaker 156 So I was using a chainsaw attachment on an edge grinder, carving out a giant like tree stump that I got off this guy's property that he had out in the trash. And I took it to my house.

Speaker 156 It was like 8 million thousand pounds. And this guy was like, here.

Speaker 156 And I use a chainsaw and I cut it up in pieces. And then I was like carving it out, making cool art.

Speaker 156 And I had glasses and everything, and it just hit a knot in the wood and slipped back and took it off.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 62 That was a long way to get there um

Speaker 29 kwana let's talk about it what else do you do with your life when you're not doing art or everything

Speaker 156 let's just rattle some things up i like to sing i play guitar i do all right sing what do you like to sing

Speaker 156 yeah i do everything and i did learn how to replay the guitar without my finger you did yeah your finger's still longer than mine and i got the full thing that is incredible

Speaker 17 would you guys like to switch pinkies for the rest of the night

Speaker 41 I would kill for a pinky that big.

Speaker 60 You should finger that guy's ear with that fucking pinky.

Speaker 156 Cauliflower ear is just hot.

Speaker 14 Well, tight as fuck.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 10 You actually...

Speaker 11 Wow, that's incredible.

Speaker 156 Knowledge is power.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 78 Wait, no, okay, you were on the inside tonight.

Speaker 120 You've been to the show tonight.

Speaker 44 How did you end up here?

Speaker 156 I waited outside since like 3 p.m. Yeah, for standby tickets and I went and signed up and I did all the things and I met all the people and I had a great, amazing, amazing time.
Fun.

Speaker 41 Well, I'm glad that you had fun, Guana.

Speaker 135 How exciting.

Speaker 10 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 45 All right, we're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 115 There's a wild bunch, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 50 There used to be.

Speaker 18 How about another hand for the lovely Heidi?

Speaker 41 Am I right, everyone?

Speaker 24 My goodness.

Speaker 41 Saging the room after Guana was up here.

Speaker 18 Reactivating our

Speaker 21 All right, your next bucket bull goes.

Speaker 117 We still having fun out there?

Speaker 10 Make some noise for Chris Berlin, everybody.

Speaker 65 Chris Berlin.

Speaker 46 Here we go.

Speaker 151 You know who doesn't like sexism?

Speaker 102 Fat, ugly chicks.

Speaker 151 I watched this lady come out of a plant store carrying a giant bush.

Speaker 151 I said, I see you.

Speaker 151 She said, it's for my living room.

Speaker 151 I said, so is mine, queen.

Speaker 151 My pronouns are G F Y and U S A.

Speaker 102 Thank you, that's my time.

Speaker 84 Okay, Chris Perlin.

Speaker 115 That was funny.

Speaker 120 How you doing, Chris? Chris, stop fucking shaking Cam's hand.

Speaker 24 Cam, relax.

Speaker 59 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 84 What is this?

Speaker 120 The handshake show?

Speaker 54 What the hell's going on over here?

Speaker 114 Chris, stand right there.

Speaker 14 Hello, how are you?

Speaker 25 I'm well, thank you. How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 151 On and off since 2005.

Speaker 68 Okay, why off sometimes?

Speaker 151 I play music as well.

Speaker 130 What do you do musically?

Speaker 151 I play drums.

Speaker 26 You play drums.

Speaker 72 Let's just wait a second here. Hold on, everybody.

Speaker 24 Hold on.

Speaker 30 Hold your horses.

Speaker 151 Tony, listen. So it's interesting.
From COVID, I got COVID shots and it did something to my shoulders. I've lost all momentum in my arms.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 151 COVID vaccines.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 34 Really?

Speaker 60 Yes. And he's got no fingers.

Speaker 50 Okay. Everybody.
No, hold on.

Speaker 34 Yep.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 12 So are you being serious?

Speaker 151 I am. I'm dead serious.

Speaker 120 Did they shoot it in both shoulders?

Speaker 151 They did.

Speaker 144 Really? What made you get a second one?

Speaker 133 Well, no, no, no.

Speaker 151 And listen, so, so

Speaker 133 when I went for the vaccine.

Speaker 113 Are you fucking with me?

Speaker 20 Is this like an MSNBC prank show where it's like

Speaker 102 trick a patriot? No, listen.

Speaker 151 listen when I went to get the covet shot they also gave me some flu shot they said we're gonna split it up into two vaccines put one in each arm and I was like that sounds smart

Speaker 151 it was not and probably like 18 days later I lost all momentum like

Speaker 151 it debilitated me.

Speaker 151 I was a big surfer. I mean, just it changed my life.

Speaker 151 Wow. It changed my life.

Speaker 142 So you can't play the drums anymore?

Speaker 68 No. Wow.

Speaker 40 That is so sad.

Speaker 25 There's a little Mexican music.

Speaker 92 Just uh...

Speaker 82 Alright.

Speaker 17 So did you notice any other side effects, Chris?

Speaker 68 Other than losing use of your shoulders probably?

Speaker 56 No.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 127 Where do you live?

Speaker 11 Talk right into the tip of that microphone.

Speaker 151 I live in Austin now.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 56 When did you move here?

Speaker 151 I moved here in July.

Speaker 39 And where were you before this?

Speaker 73 San Francisco.

Speaker 66 San Francisco, I was gonna guess that.

Speaker 17 I should have just fucking done it.

Speaker 40 What do you do for work?

Speaker 151 I'm a creative director.

Speaker 17 Creative directress. What are you creatively directing?

Speaker 151 I creatively direct a podcast and I work for a gaming company.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 66 What do you do for the gaming company?

Speaker 151 I do live comms. So everything that comes out of the gaming company, I'm

Speaker 73 the mouthpiece.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 51 The mouthpiece. What is that?

Speaker 26 What exactly do you mean by that?

Speaker 151 Well, I put on a show every day. We put out

Speaker 151 I put out a daily show.

Speaker 96 You play games?

Speaker 151 No, I report the news.

Speaker 122 What kind of news?

Speaker 34 It's crypto news. Crypto news.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 61 How's that going for you?

Speaker 28 You making money in crypto?

Speaker 151 Dude, dude, crypto's...

Speaker 151 The best advice if you are a crypto trader is remove the firearms from your house.

Speaker 133 I'm telling you, like, crypto, like, dude,

Speaker 151 they took my phone away, and in the last five minutes, it's gone down another 20%.

Speaker 127 Like I'm it's it's it's no bueno.

Speaker 130 It seems like a very shaky industry, right?

Speaker 151 Dude, I believe in it.

Speaker 12 I believe in it. Why?

Speaker 18 Explain to us all why you believe in it. We very rarely talk about crypto.

Speaker 151 Okay, and just super quick, so Solana, to me, Solana's amazing and it's built for dApps.

Speaker 142 Is this your little sister, Cam?

Speaker 17 Who's Solana exactly?

Speaker 82 We love Solana.

Speaker 142 That's one of the destiny's children.

Speaker 79 So, Tony,

Speaker 151 the easiest way that I can explain it is

Speaker 151 think of Wells Fargo as a bank. That's a centralized application.

Speaker 151 If you want to send, let's say, money to Mexico, you have to go through a bank. You've got to do all of that.

Speaker 16 Do my cleaning, lady.

Speaker 65 I get my cleaning.

Speaker 151 Like whatever it is, right?

Speaker 151 When you're dealing with crypto, it's person to person. There's no central organization.

Speaker 14 well that seems trustworthy how could that ever go wrong

Speaker 60 are you doing pump and dumps is that what you're doing like all that bullshit no no what do you do

Speaker 151 you just hope to get lucky you just trust another human no we're building an ecosystem okay forget it

Speaker 86 chris what do you do for fun

Speaker 151 uh i'm a I was a musician for my entire life. I'm a surfer, an artist, I paint, I do all.

Speaker 120 Your arms, for a guy with shoulder injuries, you're moving around like a fucking yeah like one of those inflatables that he used car lot

Speaker 53 you're like i lost use of my shoulders years ago i can't play the drums i can't surf i can't do anything tony i wish i could tell you more you gotta meet with rfk jr i don't think you're vaccine injury i think you're just retarded you know i know i hate to say it i really hate to say it

Speaker 95 He has retarded AIDS. I really hate to say that.

Speaker 95 Sorry, Cheryl.

Speaker 114 RFK, how do you feel about this?

Speaker 13 This This is exactly what you've been talking about.

Speaker 67 You and everyone else with common sense. It's about the vaccines.

Speaker 8 I'm not anti-vaxxer.

Speaker 95 I'm anti-retardation.

Speaker 39 What do you think he should do?

Speaker 17 Would you have any exercises?

Speaker 82 I would do a couple shots of Peptobezball.

Speaker 82 And stop being such a pussy. Yeah.

Speaker 152 Chris, have you tried playing the drum since this injury?

Speaker 68 No, I haven't.

Speaker 144 It kind of seems like you can.

Speaker 10 Do you guys believe in miracles, everybody?

Speaker 10 Here's a drum solo from Chris

Speaker 112 Beskin.

Speaker 41 Oh, okay. Michael has a great idea.

Speaker 18 Very rarely do I take my band seriously at all, but I heard Michael's idea, and it sounds fantastic.

Speaker 117 Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the Black Blind drum off, everybody.

Speaker 17 This young man, Chris Beskin, is going to do a drum solo, and then D-Madness Blind is going to do a drum solo.

Speaker 10 Ladies and gentlemen, going first, this is Chris Beskin.

Speaker 25 If he wins this competition, he

Speaker 63 will

Speaker 12 have to lose his eyesight.

Speaker 8 Oh, fuck! Oh, by the way.

Speaker 19 He just fell over.

Speaker 17 Fun fact, that was not D Madness that fell over.

Speaker 120 That was the guy with bad shoulders.

Speaker 113 And here is a drum solo from Chris Beskin.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 20 It's okay.

Speaker 70 All right. Okay.

Speaker 40 It's okay. There he goes.

Speaker 10 Chris Beskin. Everybody wants to see the blind guy do it.
Get up, Chris. Yeah.

Speaker 19 Get up.

Speaker 17 Get up, Chris.

Speaker 43 Watch your head on the microphone there, Chris.

Speaker 17 Here he goes.

Speaker 18 You've never seen anything quite like it, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 17 This is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drums.

Speaker 114 Welcome to my little freak show that I call Kill Tony, everyone.

Speaker 17 D-Madden is getting into position.

Speaker 19 Somehow, nailing the landing better than Chris Beskin.

Speaker 12 He is in his seat.

Speaker 132 And ladies and gentlemen, this

Speaker 21 is the one and only is making some adjustments here.

Speaker 113 This is indeed D-Madness everyone.

Speaker 113 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 113 wow.

Speaker 10 Express VPN Zipper Cruder and Prize Picks proudly presents another episode of Kill Tony. That is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.
Undisputed, undefeated.

Speaker 10 the grand champion of kill tony

Speaker 65 the mac daddy of them all laughing his ass off he fucking loves it

Speaker 88 bitch ass having no shoulder having ass bitch

Speaker 10 just talking shit the whole way to his seat show bitch ass shoulders

Speaker 31 Chris, I'm sorry.

Speaker 113 Are you hurt over there?

Speaker 83 You look, oh my god.

Speaker 74 Now people are, the fucking internet's gonna be like, god damn it, Tony fucking, Tony and his ego made that innocent guy play drums, and now he's a victim.

Speaker 87 Tony hurt that guy while he was living his dreams. Are you okay, Chris?

Speaker 106 We're good, right?

Speaker 151 We're good, we're good.

Speaker 123 Okay, I'll give you an aspirin after this.

Speaker 145 Got some good advil cooking up in the front here.

Speaker 120 Um, so, uh, Chris, tell us something else crazy about your life.

Speaker 51 You seem like an interesting guy, you seem smart and cool.

Speaker 115 I loved the set,

Speaker 151 I really did. I appreciate it.
Um,

Speaker 151 you know what?

Speaker 151 Life Life is crazy.

Speaker 151 I mean, this is in all earnestness. Life is crazy, and

Speaker 151 there's ups and there's downs. And it's important.
It's important

Speaker 151 to

Speaker 151 keep going.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 151 if you're chasing your dreams,

Speaker 151 Remember that you're a disappointment to somebody.

Speaker 53 I love that.

Speaker 10 Chris, Chris, here's a big joke book. Thanks for coming on the show.
Great stuff. Great spirit.
Great energy.

Speaker 10 You're good. You're good.

Speaker 21 You're good.

Speaker 16 There goes Chris Beskin, everyone.

Speaker 40 Adorable.

Speaker 46 Another perfect example of

Speaker 14 big pharmas.

Speaker 65 Anyway,

Speaker 17 let's just keep it moving along here.

Speaker 53 This is a one-word name.

Speaker 18 Those are usually very fun.

Speaker 17 Let's see what happens.

Speaker 18 Make some noise for Longoria, everyone.

Speaker 126 Longoria.

Speaker 96 So I was looking for parking just earlier before the show, and I stopped at the red light down on Trinity. And I looked to my left, and there were two gay guys kissing.

Speaker 96 And I thought to myself, good for them.

Speaker 33 Good for them.

Speaker 96 I keep driving, right?

Speaker 96 I come to another red light out here. And again, I look to my left, and two lesbians kissing.
And I think to myself, nice.

Speaker 26 Very nice.

Speaker 96 The light turns green, and I keep driving. And I come to another red light.

Speaker 64 And

Speaker 96 I really wish I was making this up because right there, a good friend of mine, another comic by the name of of Joe Filey pulls up right up next to me on a Harley

Speaker 96 and you know it's a cool bike but my guy is riding bitch holding on to another guy's waist

Speaker 76 and before I could even think I was already hold on tight you wouldn't want to fall you fucking

Speaker 65 Longoria okay

Speaker 85 fun

Speaker 50 Good.

Speaker 25 How long you been on stand-up?

Speaker 96 Exactly a year.

Speaker 66 Exactly a year.

Speaker 28 Give or take Exactly a year.

Speaker 65 You're a funny guy.

Speaker 36 32.

Speaker 38 32. What do you do for work?

Speaker 96 I work with dogs. I'm a dog groomer.

Speaker 123 You're a dog groomer.

Speaker 148 You have any tricks to getting dogs to calm down or to stop barking or anything?

Speaker 96 That's actually my specialty.

Speaker 69 Yeah, you're like the

Speaker 59 little dog terrorist or something.

Speaker 14 Calm down.

Speaker 14 Poodle.

Speaker 96 I do call the maskhole a lot and bitch.

Speaker 51 How do you, what is your secret to calming dogs down?

Speaker 96 Well, I have a mobile salon, so that helps a lot.

Speaker 26 Like from dumb and dumber?

Speaker 96 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 96 Not as cool, though. And I just, I take my time.
Uh-huh. And

Speaker 96 sometimes I don't really get anything done, and I have to come back to them maybe like in a couple weeks or so.

Speaker 36 And, well, I mean, these are very...

Speaker 96 like very aggressive dogs that i work with like today i had two dogs and i almost died like 50 times

Speaker 17 they were like two kind of dogs were they?

Speaker 96 They were Pyrenees.

Speaker 13 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 28 Matt Muelling, dog aficionado.

Speaker 83 Matt Muelling is cracking up over there.

Speaker 120 He reads, it's a small breed.

Speaker 23 Matt says it's a very small breed.

Speaker 21 Is this true?

Speaker 78 Wait, I'm really high, so I might be thinking of the wrong breed. No,

Speaker 113 you're right.

Speaker 23 Matt's wrong. This dog is fucking huge.

Speaker 62 Yeah, they're like 200 people. You pictured a new peeking.

Speaker 129 Pekinese is the tiny dog, yes.

Speaker 65 I got that.

Speaker 129 Mr. Me, Mr.
Not Know Anything, Mr.

Speaker 14 Bean.

Speaker 26 I knew it was Pekinese.

Speaker 122 I had a Pekinese once.

Speaker 34 Yeah, back in the day.

Speaker 20 So these dogs were huge. What were they trying to do to you?

Speaker 130 Did they think you were one of them?

Speaker 96 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 60 That's what I do.

Speaker 96 I kind of like integrate into the.

Speaker 119 You smoke a lot of pot?

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 90 After work.

Speaker 52 Look at his fucking shirt, man.

Speaker 54 It's wild. It's fat as glass.

Speaker 52 Yeah, it's a donkey with gold teeth.

Speaker 148 You 100% Mexican?

Speaker 96 I'm half Mexican and half Arab.

Speaker 34 Right. Boom.

Speaker 36 What's the Arab half?

Speaker 96 Egyptian.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 51 And your mom is the Mexican? Dad's the Egyptian?

Speaker 96 My mom's the Egyptian. My dad's Mexican.

Speaker 34 Where do they meet?

Speaker 36 How many kids do they have?

Speaker 96 Just me and my sister.

Speaker 101 Odd mission. Are they still together?

Speaker 136 Yeah.

Speaker 96 They love each other. Some fucking how.
I mean, they're still together.

Speaker 114 Did they ever tell you how they

Speaker 23 ever tell you how they met?

Speaker 65 How that came to be?

Speaker 145 Not really.

Speaker 61 Mexican and an Egyptian.

Speaker 122 So interesting.

Speaker 49 What did your dad do for work?

Speaker 96 He's a farmer. Wait.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Yep, he's the Mexican.

Speaker 45 That would be the farmer.

Speaker 25 How about your mom? Does she have a job?

Speaker 91 She used to be a teacher.

Speaker 96 She does taxes and stuff like that.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 67 That's Egyptian.

Speaker 66 That's an Egyptian thing.

Speaker 51 Okay, what do you do for fun when you're not taking care of the dogs and everything?

Speaker 96 Well, I mean, I have four dogs of my own.

Speaker 96 So, I don't know, I just hang out with them and then I try to do comedy as much as I can.

Speaker 100 And that's about it.

Speaker 122 I don't really play many games.

Speaker 66 What are the dogs' names?

Speaker 114 What are the four dogs' names? My dogs.

Speaker 96 Yeah. It's Bolt, Gideon, Sadie, and Kolachi.

Speaker 130 Kalachi? Yeah, Kolachi.

Speaker 17 What do you think a Kolachi is, Cam?

Speaker 154 Oh, I know what that is. That's a

Speaker 134 pastry, ain't them.

Speaker 17 That is a pastry, yes.

Speaker 79 I'm getting caught in my pastry.

Speaker 114 I rattle off a lot of pastries.

Speaker 80 I'll be around the world now, so I be seeing shit now, but I know what a kalachi is, nigga.

Speaker 84 How do you spell it?

Speaker 70 Fuck you.

Speaker 154 Hell dog.

Speaker 104 C you

Speaker 55 wrong.

Speaker 4 Oh, C-A, nigga, C-A.

Speaker 8 K.

Speaker 47 Fuck.

Speaker 78 You have a girlfriend, Longoria?

Speaker 36 No.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 25 You go out on dates ever?

Speaker 66 Sometimes.

Speaker 150 You get girls back to your place?

Speaker 34 Are they overwhelmed?

Speaker 114 No, I have to. Awesome dogs.
Fuck that.

Speaker 69 Right.

Speaker 41 Your place is you and the dogs. Yeah, it has to be their place.

Speaker 82 And it's a van.

Speaker 74 No.

Speaker 92 I forgot about that.

Speaker 96 It's a very nice apartment with a yard.

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 15 All Alright.

Speaker 65 No girls allowed, though.

Speaker 14 No girls allowed. No.

Speaker 121 Right.

Speaker 34 It's like, it's a club. Okay.

Speaker 124 It's a boy club.

Speaker 115 What are the breeds of the dogs that you have?

Speaker 96 It's two terriers and then two shepherds. Nicks.
Okay. Like a husky, one's more of a husky and one's more of a German shepherd, and then a border terrier and like a west terrier.

Speaker 56 Okay, so it's like you, half terrorist.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 150 What's a fun fact about you or your life that would surprise us?

Speaker 34 I grew up playing hockey.

Speaker 121 Really?

Speaker 4 I'm a Mexican hockey player. Yeah.

Speaker 96 Goalie.

Speaker 14 Really? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 140 There's no walls.

Speaker 109 Open ice.

Speaker 55 I am the wall.

Speaker 54 Normally your people avoid ice at all costs.

Speaker 47 Nice. All right.

Speaker 47 Nice.

Speaker 25 Well, Goria, fun times.

Speaker 105 I liked your jokes, man.

Speaker 13 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 145 We have one, dude.

Speaker 13 You do? You've been on before?

Speaker 15 Fuck yeah, I was on.

Speaker 11 You just weren't wearing the hat last year.

Speaker 96 Yeah, no hat.

Speaker 68 No hat.

Speaker 66 What's under there? I'm curious to know.

Speaker 34 Fucked up early.

Speaker 145 My hat.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 17 There it is.

Speaker 44 Longoria, thank you so much.

Speaker 132 There he goes again, Longorio.

Speaker 146 He's already got a big joke book.

Speaker 45 All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we should put a ribbon on it.

Speaker 18 We've had a fun episode.

Speaker 132 We've had a blast.

Speaker 18 There's only one way to end an episode like this, if you ask me,

Speaker 18 and it is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show, an icon, a man who God Himself says has a greater healing touch than him.

Speaker 18 A man who is known for not only discovering America, but figuring out that the earth is round and that all right, it is the Memphis Strangler,

Speaker 10 the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

Speaker 73 A white woman is suing a fertility clinic because she gave birth to a black baby. And weirdly enough, the exact opposite thing happened to my mother.
When she saw me come out, she said, oh, hell no!

Speaker 73 North Korea has outlawed eating hot dogs. Apparently real dogs were getting their feelings hurt.

Speaker 73 California Congressman Eric Swalwell, the guy who was fucking a Chinese spy, said Trump is responsible for the recent plane crashes. No, Eric, that would be Hillary Clinton.

Speaker 73 Hooters is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. They're trying to decide whether to file a chapter 7, a chapter 11, or a chapter 36 double D.

Speaker 73 Okay, that's my time.

Speaker 10 Ladies and gentlemen, take note.

Speaker 51 One of the best sets of the night came from the man who's done it more than anybody else hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times.

Speaker 73 Thank you so much, Tony. I'm feeling stronger than ever on the fucking row machine.
I'm now up to 91 miles since February 3rd.

Speaker 121 I will say that. I am not stopping that.

Speaker 106 You seem very present.

Speaker 66 There's a little bit of snap in your step today.

Speaker 56 You seem rested.

Speaker 73 Yeah, I'm feeling really good. And I swore I would not even bring this up.
But last time I was talking, I was having the issues with not being able to do.

Speaker 73 And now recently, I've been drinking on prune juice, which is like a miracle drink. I've been drinking big cups of it.

Speaker 73 And oh my god, my stomach's hurting right now, Tony, from how much I have to shed.

Speaker 25 Wow, we have some Pepto-Bismol if you'd like some.

Speaker 130 Where do you get this prune juice from?

Speaker 13 At Randall's. Okay, that's a very specific answer.

Speaker 73 It's not in the freezer section, not in the fridge section, just by the other juices. Right.

Speaker 66 And is it from concentrate or pure prune juice?

Speaker 73 I think pure prune juice. I think,

Speaker 73 I can't think of the brand.

Speaker 38 It doesn't really matter.

Speaker 51 How does it make you feel when you're on the toilet and the prune juice has shown mercy on you?

Speaker 73 Well, two days ago, Tony, I swear to God, with the, and I think I've said this all before at one point, but the, how how it was jettisoning out of my asshole It was making the loudest like it sounded like a jet noise Tony and I'm holding on to the toilet can you do it impressionable

Speaker 73 Wow yeah something like that

Speaker 73 Very and I'm thinking hold on I've been drinking a bunch of water does I thought water comes out from your from your what bladder I'm thinking, how's all this liquid in my colon or my butt area?

Speaker 73 So that part I didn't understand because when you you drink water isn't that in your it's like your front part right

Speaker 14 well

Speaker 73 is it so if you drink a bunch of water and you pee because it's coming it's in your front part but isn't the colon or whatever in your back part kind of so do you think the food goes in into the back and the liquid goes to the front you think that's what i was thinking about that's what i think my conclusion was coming to is it not two different places well the prune juice is a liquid right yep and then you have your uh club soda that you love so much to drink There's a lot of that, and then there's the water that you drink when you're working out, right?

Speaker 56 Yes, now that you're rowing.

Speaker 33 Yep, so there's a lot of liquid.

Speaker 73 So it would make sense that it was okay.

Speaker 14 It actually goes in your blood.

Speaker 56 The liquid goes in your blood, and then it gets

Speaker 34 redistributed.

Speaker 115 Yeah, it goes in and then it goes to your blood.

Speaker 67 Water goes to your blood, and then it gets redistributed by the water has a weird flow.

Speaker 12 I looked this up recently.

Speaker 72 It's creepy when you figure out.

Speaker 14 Yeah,

Speaker 14 look it up.

Speaker 19 Oh, Red Band has to.

Speaker 40 Dude.ca.

Speaker 43 All right, very good. Yes.

Speaker 29 Cracking himself up.

Speaker 73 Red Ban, have you been doing better? I can't tell if you look okay or not.

Speaker 73 Because now when I was doing real bad, I was wanting to make fun of you because I was not feeling good about myself, but now I feel so much better. Now I'm worried about it.
Are you doing okay?

Speaker 121 Okay.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 53 All right, I'm back, everybody.

Speaker 54 About 90% of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 14 It's kind of a

Speaker 122 tough question to ask fucking Google.

Speaker 68 See that Delta plane that crashed?

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 60 Because the day we saw each other at the airport was the day I got banned for life from Delta, and then now they're crashing all the time.

Speaker 45 How do you explain that, Tyler?

Speaker 69 Just a little update.

Speaker 57 I'm a pilot now, if y'all didn't know that.

Speaker 70 William, what do you think?

Speaker 122 If you ate ice, where do you think ice would go?

Speaker 109 Oh, my gosh, that's a really good question, right?

Speaker 73 I've never even thought about that. If I ate ice,

Speaker 73 good question. I got to think about it.
I don't really know.

Speaker 73 God, and Tony, you would have been so proud of Cam and Casey and I. We were in our first Hollywood movie.

Speaker 73 Tony, you would have been very proud of us.

Speaker 4 Yeah, tell us more about that, William.

Speaker 73 it was fun it was not a lot of pressure it was a pleasure to be with cam and casey not a lot of lines so the pressure wasn't on so we'll see i got fucking up a lot

Speaker 2 yeah but you did good though you did good we had three lines it took four days

Speaker 89 Because reading is hard.

Speaker 154 I don't know if y'all know that or not.

Speaker 113 What are they?

Speaker 60 Can you just recite them?

Speaker 73 I don't know if they can we do that with them or something we not know it was kind of crazy I was a little pissed that literally we were supposed to be there for seven hours. It was four fucking days.

Speaker 73 Cam was not saying this shit correctly.

Speaker 52 It was a word that just kept fucking me up.

Speaker 49 Y'all,

Speaker 14 carpal tunnel.

Speaker 74 Yeah, carpal tunnel, a hard word.

Speaker 73 Cam couldn't say carpal tunnel.

Speaker 116 I couldn't say carpal tunnel for fuck, man.

Speaker 40 It's two words.

Speaker 4 Carpal tunnel is two words.

Speaker 36 It has a front and a half.

Speaker 52 I thought it was together.

Speaker 14 Two words? Yeah.

Speaker 53 Oh, I'm a dumbass. I cool.

Speaker 54 Good to know.

Speaker 12 Yes, I thank you, John.

Speaker 52 Whoever said spell it, I kill your grandma, nigga, I swear to God.

Speaker 78 Spell grandma.

Speaker 8 I can spell grandma.

Speaker 88 This is fun. G-A-R-A-M.

Speaker 8 Oh, G-A-R-A-D-M-A.

Speaker 58 Yep, grandma.

Speaker 86 No. That's my grandma.

Speaker 55 Grandma. Grandma.

Speaker 110 Graham crackers.

Speaker 116 I might have been drinking a little bit.

Speaker 74 Fuck y'all, man. Life is good.

Speaker 82 Your grandma has carpal tunnel.

Speaker 52 I like to spell carpal tunnel.

Speaker 104 You don't believe me?

Speaker 132 Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 Wait, it's two words, right?

Speaker 82 All the cash on the table.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 114 But we'll ignore the space.

Speaker 25 We'll just know.

Speaker 66 Are you matching it?

Speaker 41 Oh, he's out cashing me.

Speaker 18 Oh, he definitely knows.

Speaker 54 He's out cashing me.

Speaker 129 Oh, John's in on this somehow.

Speaker 73 Cam has $35

Speaker 11 bills.

Speaker 6 Why do you have so many $5

Speaker 14 bills?

Speaker 73 I was like, holy shit, what does he have $3,300 bills?

Speaker 82 You going to a fat strip club or something?

Speaker 74 Yes.

Speaker 52 All right, listen, I got it. Carpool tunnel.
Wait, so it's two words, right?

Speaker 52 First one, carpool.

Speaker 12 Now, I know that's the thing that you drive in when you have more than one person in the car with you.

Speaker 14 I go to the carpool tunnel.

Speaker 82 I got it. Hold on, here you go.

Speaker 88 C-A-R.

Speaker 141 Carpool.

Speaker 8 Paul.

Speaker 70 P?

Speaker 126 Yep.

Speaker 154 H?

Speaker 135 No.

Speaker 8 It's over.

Speaker 121 Bluger move?

Speaker 65 It's over.

Speaker 14 There's so carful.

Speaker 62 Let me do it.

Speaker 88 I got it. Hold on.

Speaker 62 Give me a second. I got it.
I got it. Here it goes.

Speaker 88 C-A-R C-A-R-P-A-L.

Speaker 4 That's carpal fuck, nigga. Yeah, that's one word.
Here it go.

Speaker 52 Tunnel. Yeah.

Speaker 52 Tunnel is easy.

Speaker 5 Here it goes.

Speaker 14 Sure. T-U-N-N.

Speaker 88 Fuck you, bitch.

Speaker 2 E-L.

Speaker 10 Is that it?

Speaker 108 Carpole.

Speaker 12 Are you done guessing?

Speaker 14 I got the rest of it. Here it go.

Speaker 110 F-U-C-K-N

Speaker 52 I-G-G-A.

Speaker 110 Carpet tunnel. Fuck.

Speaker 99 I love a good old black spelling, but I don't know what it is.

Speaker 26 I just love it.

Speaker 17 It goes down easier than prune juice on a Monday evening.

Speaker 152 William, anything else going on crazy you want to let us know about?

Speaker 38 You're wrapping the fucking the burn orange today?

Speaker 73 Just, yeah, I'm starting to write.

Speaker 73 They had, it came out with the boxcar children. It was a bunch of books.
I'm starting to write my first book, and it's loosely based off the boxcar children, Tony.

Speaker 73 That's what I've been spending a lot of my time doing. It's kind of like a children's book.
I feel like I could maybe sell a lot more if it's for kids. So we'll see how it goes.

Speaker 73 I'm really looking forward to that.

Speaker 29 How are your parents?

Speaker 73 Well, I just got a message from my mother that my dad's taking her to the emergency room right now. It's for the diverticulitis.
I pray to God.

Speaker 69 Oof.

Speaker 73 Yeah, literally 10 minutes ago, got the text message and my mom saying she loves all of us.

Speaker 73 And I'm just trying to think, bitch, I'm about to go on fucking stage at least wait till after I get off to tell me you're dying no but I think she's okay yeah I hope so I hope we love Francis we love Larry it's harder to look up where water goes when it enters the body than you would think

Speaker 14 it's kind of rough

Speaker 38 but yeah goes in your blood crazy right and then gets back out again goes in through a thing through your like your intestines and then into your blood and then back out again what sweat cove for

Speaker 67 that's a that's that too yeah it's all there's osmosis, there's a lot that goes into it.

Speaker 76 Osmosis Jones, man.

Speaker 19 A lot of people don't know this, but I am

Speaker 25 a lot of people don't know this, but I am smarter than a Canadian doctor.

Speaker 129 So it's a thing that's going on in the world.

Speaker 17 A lot of people are asking, are you smarter than a Canadian doctor?

Speaker 68 And I am.

Speaker 7 What the fuck? Tony A. Never gonna stop being smarter than a Canadian doctor.

Speaker 92 There goes William Montgomery.

Speaker 10 Express BBS Zipper Griter Fries Fix. TylerFisher.com.
CamPatterson.com. William Montgomery is on tour.
Cam's on tour.

Speaker 50 Tyler is on a national tour.

Speaker 129 One more time for Tyler Fisher, everybody.

Speaker 10 Cam Patterson, everyone. The living legend is here.
The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 41 Ebalt is in.

Speaker 10 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight.

Speaker 90 Oh, it's Cam Patterson. Look at that.
That looks just like him.

Speaker 10 That's what Cam looks like and the king of $5 bills Abe Lincoln would be proud if he could see his face on all those bills

Speaker 52 he would be like that's why I freed him happy black history month nigga

Speaker 151 whatever he just said for sure how about one more time for the best stamp band in the land red band check out sunset stripatx.com secret show every Thursday high ceilings big laughs they've got it all over there and

Speaker 50 We love you.

Speaker 53 We are

Speaker 21 doing fun things.

Speaker 53 I'm all over the road.

Speaker 19 Kiltoni.

Speaker 19 Everything. It's all happening, people.

Speaker 84 We'll see you soon.

Speaker 53 Love you. Good night.

Speaker 157 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 158 For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

Speaker 158 That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

Speaker 73 We may need to change that jingle. Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 159 Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights

Speaker 159 and likes complicated recipes.

Speaker 159 But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia. She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.
Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 159 You were made to take the easy route. We were made to easily package your trip.
Expedia, made to travel. Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Speaker 138 At Azure Standard, we believe healthy food shouldn't be complicated.

Speaker 138 That's why we've spent 30 years delivering clean organic groceries and earth-friendly products to families who care about what goes on their plates and into their lives.

Speaker 138 From pantry staples to wellness essentials and garden-ready seeds, everything we offer is rooted in real nutrition, transparency, and trust. Join a community that believes in better naturally.

Speaker 138 Visit Azure Standard.com today and discover a simpler, healthier way to shop for the things that matter most.

#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER

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Transcript

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