#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Well, then here we go.

Two of my favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen.

One is, of course, a legendary regular on this show.

The other is truly one of the greatest guests in this show's history.

He is an absolute superstar.

Make some noise for both of them, everyone.

It is Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson, everybody.

Oh, yeah, a whole episode.

The very funny

Tyler Fisher, the great Cam Patterson.

We're back, baby.

They are on tour, TylerFisher.com, CamPatterson.com.

They've got websites.

They're on the road doing gigs, selling out everywhere they go.

Hi, Cam.

Well, so I got a website now, nigga.

You got a website.

I love it.

And it is.

It's campatterson.com.

You were able to secure it.

Hell yeah.

You went your first couple years with no website.

Well, they tried to charge me for it.

They tried to charge me $2,000 for it.

And we called them to a nice little dark room and we got the website out of them.

So it's good.

Every room is a dark room when you and your people are in.

Tyler Fisher.

You know exactly what it means.

This guy doing the Deion Sanders podcast in his spare time.

I never get an invite for that.

Tyler Fisher, what the hell's up, my man?

I'm sorry.

I thought it's going to be rough.

I just landed.

I took a Delta flight here, and I'm still just getting reacquainted.

You're upside down.

Yeah, it's all upside down now.

We're going to have some fun tonight.

279 human beings signed up for this opportunity.

Their names are in this fucking bucket.

Anything can happen.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That's their 60 seconds and they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I let this public defender in the front row pick the first name tonight.

We're going to go wrangle that person.

And well, they...

get brought over from the bar across the street where we store all these comedians that are hoping and waiting that a human with a headset will walk over and say their name and whatever a signed fucking number however they do this thing we have one of the greatest comedians that we've ever known

that is part of the show I don't know if he's

I guess he's a golden ticket winner I don't really know.

He's just like one of those outlier legends.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Cam's uncle.

America's favorite uncle.

This is the one and and only here to get it started with a brand new minute.

This is David Jolly.

Ba-ba-ba-ba.

How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico?

Hell yeah, y'all down with the president?

Hell yeah.

Trump, the realest nigga to ever do it.

On the last day of his presidency, last time, he freed Kodak, Black, and Lil Wayne.

Then he sent the ghouls into the Capitol building.

They were hanging on chandeliers, ripping shit off the wall.

I was like, damn, I'm glad these ain't black people.

My credit score went up 12 points that day.

Only thing I ain't like about what Trump was the president, I kept on getting these letters in the mail for like free trips on Carnival Cruise Line, all you can eat chicken and shit.

I was like, you ain't gonna get me like that, 45.

I seen roots.

This is how we got over here the first time.

I know what was going to happen.

I was going to pull up to that carnival cruise line.

It was going to be me and 45 Dominicans from San Antonio.

You know, they love a goddamn deal.

It was going to be a long-bearded white man named Boss.

He was going to be like, all right, guys, everybody, pick up the chicy, have a seat.

We're going back to Wakanda.

All right, thank you.

Y'all been a whole bunch of fun, man.

Tay to Jolly.

Hell yeah.

And like that, it has

begun.

Hell yeah.

I understood about 12 words.

It seemed funny.

Hell yeah.

It was funny.

Nobody fucking knows.

I usually have a translator with me.

That bitch took the night off.

You know what I mean?

That dirty bitch.

Slinging bitch.

That dirty, stinking whore.

Stanking bitch.

We call them stinking scalawag dirty foot bitches.

Dirty foot bitches.

Yeah.

We all know those types.

Yeah, yeah, like white women from Kentucky.

You know what I mean?

Same shit.

But they got dirty feet.

You know what I'm saying?

They do.

Their feet always dirty.

They say it in the Bible.

You know what I mean?

They do.

You're not wrong.

You ain't know that?

You didn't read that part?

What part of the Bible is that exactly?

Cleated, footy-ish, white woman-ish.

You ain't hear that verse?

We're reading different Bibles.

It's called the E-Bible Bonics.

Hell yeah.

You read the Bible?

Oh, you don't read the Bible.

You're a liberal.

My bad.

Who me?

What?

Ain't you a liberal?

I don't know what none of that shit means.

I just like to say it.

Do you know what a liberal means?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

I like like to say it.

I shouldn't go around calling people.

Oh, that's it.

That's that's how I call the person a gay man.

It looks like I stormed the capital in a Tesla.

What are you talking about, man?

Yeah.

Oh, I love it.

We love the blacks.

We love the blacks so much.

I love Donald Trump.

See, they all understand Donald Trump was down with the Negroes in the 80s.

You know what I'm saying?

Real shit.

They don't know that.

See, everybody wants to throw Donald Trump underneath the bus.

Donald Trump smoked weed out of blunts.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I mean?

He's been down with the Negroes.

You know what I'm saying?

Hell yeah.

What the fuck going on, bro?

Tell us what's been going on in your life.

Shit, man.

I've been on the road like the last three months with Cam.

I have my thing going.

I be with you.

Killers are killed, Tony.

We just out here grinding, baby, you know?

Yeah, but what else?

I mean, that's it.

Shit, I've been fucking these hoes.

Okay, let's talk about it.

I the fuck don't

sip of my delicious chocolate milk.

I keep like $40 for a bitch, you know what I'm saying?

It ain't really tricking, it's just that's like light bill money or something.

You know, I fuck old bitches.

Old bitches will let your chatty ass up for $40.

You know what I'm saying?

You still pay them.

Well, I mean, it's not paying, it's just like, here you go.

It's not paying.

It's like, it's like a donation.

It's not required.

It's like saying, thank you for being a wonderful woman.

It's like a tip.

Like a tip, like a gratuity.

It's a gratuity.

I think gratuity is the woman's name that you fucked in the first place.

Gratuity Jenkins, head register, in-and-out burger.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

That bitch with theater, though.

I believe that.

So, you and an old person, you can neither understand what the hell you're saying.

Oh, yeah, I speak old people.

Yeah.

What do you mean when you say that?

Old people?

I understand what they'd be saying because my grandmom was old.

I used to have to watch her when I was like 11.

So

I paid close attention to what she was saying.

And it's a different dialect.

Like, can you give an example of

like an old person?

Yeah, but like you and your grandma like what would your grandma say?

Do you want me to play as grandma?

Yeah, let's

go.

This is very exciting.

I thought Cam was going to suggest that

so I can't get in trouble.

Hey man, I didn't mean that by it.

My bad.

I'm sorry.

What that even means?

I thought we were friends.

I thought you from New York.

All New York is liberals, right?

Well, I got kicked out.

That's why I'm here.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

What the fuck is a liberal?

I'm not calling you a homosexual.

I'm just saying.

You call me

there.

I'm through it.

Whoa, what are we talking about?

What's going on?

Who's sucking dick?

Even with me, sucking dick.

What's going on?

Hey, no sucking dick up here, man.

Yeah, man.

Come on, man.

Trump should make an executive order that we could say the N-word once a month.

At least once a month.

Once a month, right?

Get whatever you want.

Once a month.

No.

It's a free budget.

But you got to say it with joy, though.

It's got to be a job.

Yeah, you got to say it nicely.

Well, no, no, no, wait a minute.

We can't.

No, no, we fucking.

Are you going to give the president Donald Trump permission right now to do it?

$500.

If I got $500, you fucking dollars, nigga.

You say $500?

You can kick me in the dick for $500.

I want half a million, nigga, and you can do whatever you want.

Not me.

This is Tyler Perry's Kill Tony.

Welcome to the show.

For those of you just joining us, we are live on DET right now.

This is absolutely good.

We got a couple Negronis here.

What the fuck are you doing?

Hey,

that's a beer.

That's an Italian beer.

And not only that.

That's a beer.

That's close.

I thought that was a pastry.

No, no, it's an Italian beer.

And the groni is an Italian beer.

I thought it was like some bread.

That's not bread.

Some bread.

It's bread, right?

Negroni?

No,

that's a...

A pipponi.

A cannoli.

A cannoli.

Cannoli, everybody.

Let's look up more Italian words and ask the black people what they think they are.

Hey, mama to me.

What is a rigatone?

Oh, that's a funny thing.

No, that's a pasta.

That's a pasta.

Very good.

Okay, this is a lot of fun.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Welcome to this.

You know what time it is?

I used to fuck an Italian bitch.

Tight shit.

Move.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

She used to make them shits.

That's how I know what it is.

We here for the bullshit.

Hell yeah.

She got a big tip.

Yeah, she did.

Big old tip.

Okay.

Does anyone want to guess what

prego means?

A pregnant bitch.

That's.

No.

prego means like traditional, like mama me.

Like, like, it's

it mean like happy times.

It means happy.

It means like happy.

Like the sauce?

The sauce.

Yeah, I know it's the sauce, but it means like happy times.

Like, mama me.

Like, family.

It's family.

All of your answers are incorrect.

It actually means welcome.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, mama me.

You know what I was saying?

Mama Mia.

That's what they say.

Mama Mia.

Okay.

Ain't Mario Italian, nigga?

Yeah, yeah.

Him and Luigi.

Wasn't I supposed to say the N-word is Trump?

No, no, no, no, Tyler.

You got $500.

You got $500,000?

Shit, you can say whatever you want.

You can kick me in the ass, too.

I swear you can.

For $500.

Whoa, man, we got to do better than this, man.

Nigga, I need them $500.

All right, I got tens, and I got...

All right, no, no, you can't say the fucking N-word.

Got some pept-doe business.

Oh, my goodness.

One shade darker to purple, and they would chug that right now.

It's a little too pink.

Look at this bubblegum.

Bubblegum, look at that shit.

Bubblegum in a blender.

This is some black shit.

I got, look at this, my wallet.

I got

a loose shirt.

A magnum condom for some reason, just in case you need a quick disguise.

You must be making water balloons.

All right.

Back to Italian black translation game.

What do you think a Carbonara is?

Ooh, I know what that is.

Oh, that's a dish.

Nope.

Wait, hold on.

Wait a second here.

Cam was on to something.

Yeah, nigga, it's a dish, and you put like, you got like little bacon bits in it.

Oh, my God, that is incredible.

Cam Patterson.

Type shit.

Type shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Y'all fucked this.

They think I'm going to do that, huh?

Fuck all y'all pussy ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's actually pancetta.

It's not bacon.

I hate that.

Whoa, get the fuckers of pancetta.

You have to be a liberal.

Especially not.

bacon

panchetta what the fuck is that that's a it's a fancier fattier part i i don't i i could be wrong

it's very bacon ass

better bacon it's bacon it's better bacon

sure is bacon bits you said bacon bits like the trademark brand shaker dry i will close

he's putting

it's very controversial on this stage right now matt muelling is yelling about panchetta right now we finally woke him up we figured out what his passions are types of bacon.

I would have guessed Red Band would be our senior bacon correspondent.

It's actually old bologna in the hood.

What?

Old Panchetta.

I don't know what you're talking about right now, Red Band.

No, Panchetta, like sweet.

It's kind of sweet a little bit.

There you go.

Final Italian word, black translation.

What, gentlemen?

What is a spfigatel?

Oh, that's a fucking moron.

That's a mooly fucker.

That's a fucking

brony.

God, hey, you fucking moly fucker.

Oh, yeah.

That's not.

You can't just hit buttons if you don't know if they're right or not.

What?

It's an asshole, right?

Say it again, say it again.

A sh fig at hell.

Oh, yeah, that make that motherfucker.

That's a dickhead.

Like a dickhead.

It's a flaky Italian pastry.

Ah, fuck.

David, you're a legend.

Way to get it started tonight.

So much fun.

And like that, it has begun.

And now,

you might not know, but it's time for the fucking bucket where absolutely anything can happen.

We're gonna meet a real human being all uh oh

there she is the iconic heidi ladies and gentlemen whoa what do you got there it's uh coconut water i brought from home wow absolutely incredible what do you got tequila i love it

brought to you by peptobismal this is killtony your first bucket poll of the night getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Remy Sweiss, everyone.

Remy Sweiss.

Someone told me I look like a retired skinhead.

That's why I tell women I'm a veterinarian.

South Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama take more Viagra than any other states in the Union.

Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia love their dick pills.

Hey, they did say the South will rise again.

If at first you don't secede,

you can dust it off and try again.

No, even though I look like a racist white guy, I'm not a racist white guy.

I'm a racist Arabic guy.

Big difference.

I don't know if y'all been watching the news, but it's my turn to be racist.

Look at me, look at me.

I'm the N-word now.

I tell these guys before the show, always I tell the guests the same thing.

Whatever you do, don't be funny during someone else's minute.

Or else the people at home are going to think that this comedian's doing good.

And fucking Tyler Fisher just can't help himself.

Diarrhea.

He has to bust out the Pepto and fucking.

Okay, Remy, you're a psycho.

Welcome to the show.

Thanks for having me back.

Thanks for having me.

You've been on before?

Yeah, last year.

Appreciate you having me.

Yep.

Okay.

All right, geez.

That's right.

What are you on?

Adderall or something?

No, not yet.

Cam, what do you think about this?

Who the fuck thought you was white, man?

He looks like a flaky pastry, a little Italian.

Yeah, the flaky Italian nigga, nigga.

Okay, so what are you, Remy?

I'm

Middle Eastern by descent.

Both my folks are from Jordan, but I was born and raised in Oklahoma City.

Okay.

We got it.

Okay.

Are they still there, your parents?

Yeah, they are.

Okay, what do they do in the Middle East?

Oh, no, in Oklahoma.

Oh.

What made your Middle Eastern parents pick Oklahoma?

There wasn't anybody to tell them what to do in Oklahoma.

Okay.

Are you familiar with large family politics?

No.

Oh, all right.

I thought you were Italian.

Well, no big deal, but.

What do you mean?

Well, everybody loves to tell people what to do in a large family, right?

And there wasn't any family in Oklahoma, so they'd start their their own thing out there.

It's pretty cool.

They used to sling rugs and tapestries out of the back of their trucks.

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's cool.

So they moved to Chicago when they came to America, and then they would drive to LA and back to Route 66.

Why would they drive when they could have just taken one of the carpets?

Yeah.

They've got this all backwards.

Your people are known for this.

Awesome.

That was good stuff.

Yeah, no, they stopped in Oklahoma City, and it was a pretty cool place, and there was an Orthodox community there, and very welcoming.

Enough.

Remy.

How old are you?

I'm 44 years old.

34.

How long are you?

44.

44.

Jesus Christ.

That's a big difference.

44.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Hardcore for about three years.

When you say hardcore, what exactly do you mean?

You got a taste of the hardcore comedy that you've been doing?

No, the first time I got on stage to do Open Mic was 2006.

Oh,

okay, Red Man, relax.

Jesus.

Okay.

No idea why that sound effect should be there, but Oh, because it's hardcore.

Red band.

So good.

So good.

Okay.

So you were doing it hardcore.

Yeah, yes.

And then what happened?

No, I messed around for a long time because, you know, life happens and I can't just do open mics growing up.

Why couldn't you do open mics?

Mostly I was committed to a relationship

or a job, but about three years ago, I was able to fully immerse myself and start hitting it and getting to it.

All right, there's a lot going on here, I guess.

Okay,

so

what was the job that you were doing in which you couldn't do comedy as well?

I helped run the family business.

What was the family business?

We have a pita bakery and we had gyro shops in the mall growing up, so I grew up in a shopping mall in the 80s and 90s.

PETA, gyros, and carpets.

Okay, we are.

That's up.

Yeah, we are

very close to a terrorist attack, ladies and gentlemen.

So what do you do now?

How do you make money now that you get to do comedy so hardcore?

I Uber.

This is a great town to Uber in.

Oh, there it is.

That is the trifecta, everybody.

You know how much time you have to spend grinding these open mics and starting shows and producing little.

Who are you yelling at?

Laughing at my Uber job?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Why I got to sit next to the psychopaths.

I got a little knife here for just in case.

Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah, what the fuck?

That's a crazy thing to have.

If I thought Peptobismo was weird, he's like, oh, I got a knife.

Okay.

It's very small.

It's dangerous.

They got a sword.

That knife is adorable.

You get attacked all the time outside.

It really is one of the cutest knives I've ever seen.

What do you do?

Butter your fucking biscuits with that thing?

Open up butters?

Oh my god.

What is that?

Kill somebody.

Is it for grapes?

Whoa, look out.

For grapes.

Yeah, I cut my grapes in the

one need their garlic sliced thin?

Okay.

So, Remy, tell us about your life.

Like, what's been going on?

You single?

Yeah, yeah.

Actually,

trying to start a family.

If anybody's unvaccinated out there and they want to start having kids, holler.

I am.

Hell yeah.

Remy is that your pitch for the ladies

yeah when you're 44 you ain't got time to mess around so you're like looking for a woman yeah yeah I got my aunt showing me girls from the old country too

yeah man this one girl she's a real jihadi okay there you go you have a little joke book from last time

the small one yes that is correct

That would be the one that you should have.

Here, I'll cut it in half.

What?

You don't think I...

All right, there he goes.

Remy Sweiss, everybody.

On to the next one.

This bucket pull is from the inside.

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I am so excited for this spa day.

Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

And then my chronic hives come back.

Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket.

Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

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It could be one of you.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Joshua Yellis.

Joshua Yellis.

Is that Joshua back there crossing over?

Joshua, is that you?

Back there.

He's coming from the back.

Oh, coming from the back.

That's just a man urinating right there.

Come on, Joshua.

Now's your time.

Now, normally people from the inside tend to not do good.

It tends to be a lot of people that I've always wanted to try this and I wanted to see how it would go.

I thought it would go better than that.

But it could also be,

you know, the next great talent.

So make some noise one more time for Joshua Yellis.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

All right.

Women argue like terrorists.

They fight like terrorists.

I'll give you an example.

Every guy in this room knows what I'm talking about.

You'll say something to your woman.

You'll say something to your woman that means nothing to you.

And she'll take it as a personal fucking attack against everything she believes in.

You'll be sitting on the couch next to her that night.

And you ask her, you can see that she's pissed.

You'll say, Honey, what's wrong?

She'll say,

nothing, it's fine.

You know she's fucking mad.

An hour goes by.

She's not ready yet.

She's still putting the dynamite in the vest.

She's not ready to blow up the fucking square yet.

She's waiting until later in the night, right?

You wait an hour.

You say, honey,

what's wrong?

It's fine.

She's still getting her pilot's license, fellas.

She doesn't have her box cutter yet.

She's not ready to hit the towers.

As soon as your eyes are closing to go to sleep, she says.

okay, okay, I'm gonna stop you Joshua

Holy shit

Yeah, that is such a Specific story to you and your life.

Yeah, you're like trying to make it relatable to everybody Everybody's like what the fuck are you talking about?

I'm trying you know you ever have your girls out there getting pilots lessons and you're like what is up with that

9-11 was funnier than that.

Yeah.

God damn dude.

Wild Joshua.

Wild.

Let's talk about it.

You ever do stand-up before?

Never, dude.

It's my first time on stand-up.

The microphone.

Everyone was trying to tell you.

I had to stop people from trying to fix your set for you.

Because we had already tried.

Yeah.

Talking down here, right?

So that's not really how it works.

It's like this.

Yeah.

There you go, dude.

First time.

Fix up the sound.

First time.

Can't hear you.

Maybe that's a problem.

No, dude.

Yeah.

that could easily be the problem.

Shout out to Alexandria.

I love you.

We're getting married in May.

Love you so much.

You haven't even married your wife yet?

This is crazy.

She's already my wife to me.

Is she with you tonight?

She is not.

Okay.

No.

Hopefully, she'll be watching this.

Yes.

I get married tomorrow.

No way, dude.

Nice, dude.

Yeah, you might want to knock it out.

Get a pre-nub.

When does this come up?

So, Joshua, what do you do for work?

What exactly do you fix with a wrench?

I'm a truck driver, my man.

Perfect.

Yeah.

How do you like driving trucks?

I fucking love it, dude.

I love it.

I'm keeping America alive.

Me and all the truck drivers out there.

Fuck yeah, man.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

A very important job.

God damn right.

Tell us what it's like out there on the road.

Tell us some tricks.

What do you urinate into?

How do you Gatorade bottles mostly?

You know, sometimes a shitty bathroom with a hooker, you know?

Right.

Tell us a wild story from you being out there on the road.

Honestly, man, I don't have a lot of crazy stories.

I'm listening to Kill Tony, listening to podcasts, a lot of comedy.

I don't know.

Not a lot of crazy stories.

Give us an interesting...

No lot, lizards.

I'm not over the road, dude.

Okay, give us an interesting fun fact about your life before we get you out of here and back to obscurity for absolute ever.

Yeah.

What do you deliver?

It looks like you you deliver a frisbees or something.

What do you deliver to that?

What is your load?

What's your load?

How do we get gay so fast?

How we get gay so fucking fast, man.

I work for a crane company, so mostly counterweights for crane, not that interesting.

Sorry, guys.

Okay.

So, Joshua, most interesting fun fact about your life.

You have an entire life to reference here.

Before I let you go, this is your final question.

What about your life?

Anything?

I found the most amazing woman in the entire world.

Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, fuck you.

Get out.

No joke, but go.

Get out.

Banished.

Banished from thy kingdom.

Oh, I'll tell you the most interesting thing that I've ever seen or had happen to me in my life is I met the most amazing fucking kill yourself.

I hope that bitch cheat on you, nigga.

All right.

Imagine if everybody did that, just signed up for the show and was like, I love my wife.

I just came here to say that I listened to this show and I love my wife.

What the fuck, man.

Oh, man.

All right, your next bucket full.

Hopefully they want to do something in comedy one day.

Make some noise for Billy Sherman, everybody.

Here we go.

Billy Sherman.

What's up, everybody?

Yeah, so I'm Puerto Rican,

Portuguese, Native American, Middle Eastern, Italian,

and Jewish.

And if I was a woman, I would look exactly the same.

I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage.

Yeah, it's tough.

It's tough being Puerto Rican and Jewish.

Puerto Ricans are known for two things.

They know how to dance and stab people.

So please laugh at these jokes.

I was driving down the street the other day, and I saw a sign that said, drive like your kids live here.

So I drove away.

Actually, I don't remember what I was doing because I was wasted.

Yeah.

My mom told me that if my son pees on me, it means that he loves me.

So I figured I'd show my dad some love.

And now I can't go back to the cemetery.

Billy Sherman.

Okay.

How long have you been on stand-up, Billy?

About 10 plus years.

Okay, where at?

I started in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Okay.

Do you still live there?

No, I live here in Austin now.

How long ago did you move here?

I just moved here in September of last year.

Okay, congratulations.

You a fighter?

Jiu-Jitsu?

What is it?

Yeah, I just do jiu-jitsu.

You've been doing it for a long time.

Three years.

How did your ear get so fucked up?

I did.

I just...

That bitch is terrifying.

Wow.

It's a vagina on the side of my head.

I just.

I really love the sport, man, and I just, I love rubbing up against on people, you know?

Tight.

Wow.

There's the clit.

I'm trying to figure that out

there it is

you should teach a class on

Daniel

Billy what do you do for work I'm a property manager work for Jews what kind of what what exactly is your like day-to-day work like I just try to make sure no one gets evicted and what do you mean you're trying to make sure no one gets evicted I don't know I just like I just deal with a lot of folks that live in apartment complexes and then there's people that are always doing drugs and I have to be like you can't do that here man.

I can't.

What kind of drugs are they doing?

Mostly meth.

Yeah.

A lot of math.

Wow.

A lot of math.

Okay.

What kind of car do you have, Billy?

You are built very strangely.

Right?

Yeah.

I'm in my third trimester.

Yeah.

It's a, I drive a car that looks like me.

It's a 1999 Toyota Yaris.

Yeah, that's kind of what I pictured.

It looks just like me.

Blue?

That's a little gray.

Are the side mirrors all mangled?

Yes.

Pull the flap up.

Billy, you ever win in jiu-jitsu?

I've got maybe about 15 gold medals.

Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Masters Division, though, I'm 32, so I don't know.

I'm an old guy.

You're in the old guy still.

Okay.

All right.

What's your love life like?

Right now, nothing.

Not really happening.

Right.

But,

yeah, I just got that.

A lot of black chicks.

I like black women.

You like black women?

I like black women.

I like them brown, but Asian black.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

What actually?

How do you get it?

Well, I'm Puerto Rican, so, you know, I got some melanin.

You know what I mean?

You got some what?

I got some of that melanin.

I got some melanin.

I said watermelon in.

Looks like it.

What is it that you prefer about black women over other women?

What do you think it is?

Black women are natural-born lovers, very loyal, and they cook really fucking good, and I like to eat, so that's important to me.

Yeah, all those bacon bits.

Billy, what else?

Do you have any hobbies or anything?

Besides stand-up comedy and jiu-jitsu,

I do some Adderall occasionally.

I like to get kind of tore up sometimes.

What What do you mean by tore up?

I just wear this shirt.

This is actually my favorite shirt.

I like to wear this.

Yeah, this is my favorite shirt.

I like to just do a lot of Adderall and just get blazed up and just have a good time on the street.

Smoke pot?

No, I wouldn't do that.

Blazed up.

You know, like, I just drink a lot.

What is going on?

I lost you here just a minute ago.

Something's going on.

I drink a lot and I do Adderall.

Okay.

Do Adderall.

So how did that?

How did that

have blazed up?

You smoke Adderall?

all?

No, I never snorted.

I thought about doing it.

I've never done it yet.

It's time for a new shirt.

Did you think about that?

Yeah.

I gotta lose some weight first, man.

Then I can keep it.

Yeah, Billy, it's a very tiny shirt.

I don't think I would fit in it.

It's struggling.

It's unbelievable.

You want to trade?

I wouldn't, Mike.

Yeah, shit.

Well, I wonder if I could fit in.

Damn.

I think you could.

I think you should love.

Yeah, you can do it.

Yeah, you can do it.

Why not?

Let's do it.

Let him take some Pepto-Bismol.

Fill it right.

Oh, wow.

He actually did do a shot of Pepto-Bismol there.

Oh, this is incredible.

Look at all the layers on this Christmas ornament that we call Tyler Fisher.

The human Christmas ornament.

And then we have what appears to be

this guy is literally.

Oh my goodness.

Welcome to the all-new Broadway musical.

It's meatball and pasta.

Oh, this is going to be hilarious.

This is the moment of truth right here.

It turns out the shirt is huge on Tyler, by the way.

A lot of space.

Wow, actually.

Whoa.

Incredible.

It looks good.

That looks better than your original shirt.

Way better.

Thank you.

40 bucks, bud.

Very good.

Thank you, Red Band.

How do you feel right now, Billy?

It almost fits better.

I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

This is the best.

He looks like a real illegal now.

Cheating in, what the fuck, man?

Yeah.

Finish the wall.

He could be the wall, Franklin.

You can be the wall.

All those ethnicities just turned into Mexican real quick.

Bad as fuck, no.

I got to get back to my construction job, Icy.

That is incredible.

It It took like 10 years off of you, too.

You look like a little kid with face.

I've only 10 pounds, though.

I don't got the gut.

You weren't tricking anybody in this show.

Billy, what do you like to eat?

How does someone get so

round?

I really like brisket.

Yep.

Yeah, I really like...

I like meat.

Wait a minute, Paul's.

Yeah.

Not that kind, not that kind.

I love meat.

I like meat.

I am a lot of burger and pizzas and sushi and shit, you know.

Wow, Red Band is hard as a rock right now.

This is just everything he loves.

Okay, Billy, congratulations.

Fun times.

Here's a big joke book.

There you go.

Thank you.

He really wanted to catch it.

And he did.

He focused there.

And he caught the joke book.

Wow.

That's my favorite, Dutch.

That's my favorite shirt.

Yeah.

Tyler's got a new favorite shirt.

Does it smell?

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Back to the bucket we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for you'd me Sharma.

Udme Sharma.

Looks like a...

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, all right.

Thank you, thank you.

How we doing tonight, folks?

We good?

All right.

See, I was drunk in Vegas one time.

And what I didn't know about Vegas is that you can't hail a cab anywhere on the strip.

It has to be like a hotel or one of these designated locations.

I didn't know that.

So I'm trying to hail a cab, and I'm thinking they're not stopping because they're like, oh, we don't want this drunk idiot in our car.

But finally, I was able to kind of hail one, and for whatever reason, my drunken mind was like, hey, go speak Spanish to this guy, because it'll be more amicable and giving you a ride.

So I got to his car and I was like, Senor, Jotel Luxor y Casido, por favor.

And without missing a beat, he's like, Rapido, Cabron.

I got in the car, we looked at each other and realized we're both Indian.

Yeah, he's like, where do we go from here?

And I was like, Luxor.

Luxor still.

Borfavor.

Boar favor.

I'm trying to enjoy the little things in life.

Like little titties.

Man, I wish I had little titties.

You ever go to give a woman a hug and you and her both realize at the same time you have a bigger sis than her?

Embarrassing for everybody.

Thank you.

You me Sharma.

Yes, sir.

First time on the show, correct?

Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two and a half years.

Two and a half years.

Do you always dress like an Indian magician?

I don't know.

Do you always look like a gay one?

Whoa!

Oh, my God, he got me gay.

Sanja say gay.

I love it.

Unbelievable.

What do you do for work, you'd meet Sharma?

Take a guess.

Why don't you just answer the fucking question?

Fair enough, fair enough.

It's tech.

I do tech.

There you go.

Oh, who could have got?

Absolutely.

Cam Patterson.

I thought he sold jewelry.

That's what I thought.

That was my guess.

I thought he sold earrings and shit.

Huh?

Look at his fucking earrings, dickhead.

Look at his earrings.

He does have.

Look at it, folks.

Rio Cubic Zarconium.

You should pierce that guy's vagina with your earring, dude.

So you and me, let's talk about it.

How old are you?

37.

37.

And you've been working tech pretty much your whole life?

About six, seven years.

Okay.

What exactly do you do in tech?

So So I tech support for the most part.

Like, there's people.

Do you work from home?

I do, yeah.

And so phone calls just come to like a second phone that you have and you help people?

Usually Zoom calls, but you know.

So you...

Okay.

It's first, I have a couple clients who they need older clients.

They need some stuff done.

And I'm like, yeah, I got it.

Do you Indian it up when you answer those calls?

I try not to.

I am your tourist people.

Or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

I've never heard the Indian accent before.

Can you guys believe it?

This might be.

You know, this call may be recorded.

Somehow, still gay.

It may be.

It may be recorded for you.

I'll drop it down to octave so that you can stop thinking about my dick and asshole for a second.

You

want Donny.

Really don't make fun of Donnie like you.

Do not call me gay.

But it's not nice.

No.

Very bad.

No.

Very bad.

That's my exit.

That's it.

So I like it.

You'd me, what's your love life like?

I'm dating somebody.

Yeah.

You're dating someone?

You did get Indian there for a second.

Did you hear that?

Dating someone.

D-Madness heard the word gay five times in two minutes, so he has to take a break.

He's famously homophobic.

He goes back there and hits a punching bag when gay gets mentioned on this show.

So, Yudmi, what does your girl do for a living?

Tinker girls.

She works in tact too.

She works at hospital works hospital

and nurse

local hospital.

What does she do at the hospital?

Nurse.

She's a nurse.

Okay.

Did she ever bring any of her like drama home?

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, today there was a guy who lost his arm or whatever.

Sure, every now and again.

Okay.

Does anyone, any one of those stories stand out to you?

Not really, no.

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

Do you have anything that you do?

Are Indians known for something?

They do with that curry hamlet, nigga.

That's what I was going to say.

I got a couple moves, Tony.

I don't want to show any of those to you, though.

Are you gay?

Unbelievable, Indian.

No.

Unbelievable.

I said, I don't want to show any of you.

Right, because that would be gay.

That would be gay.

Can you describe them with words what your go-to is in the bedroom?

She's Indian as well.

No.

Latina.

Whoa.

Mostly in the Latinas.

Look at you.

It's not super serious.

So, ladies, I'll be outside.

Okay.

Wow.

I love what the confidence that you have

for a guy shaped like Indian Santa Claus.

It is unbelievable.

I wonder if I could fit in his shirt.

There's some room.

Get in here.

Just keep trading shirts on me.

Just keep trading it.

Do you think you could fit in this shirt?

I cannot.

Come on, let's do it.

Trade shirts with Tyler.

I am not taking my shirt off.

Come on.

Come on.

You and me, play the room.

No,

all of you,

fuck every single one of you.

You'd me, come on, look at him.

Have some fun.

He wants to play with you.

Yeah, I don't think.

Oh, and have this live forever on the internet.

Fuck all of you.

You'd be like.

Oh,

oh, come on.

How about a best jacket switch?

I'm calling tech support.

We need a new fucking comedian.

We need a new comedian.

This podcast may be recorded for.

These jokes may be recorded.

Yudme, tell us more about your life.

What else are you into?

What's fun about Yudme?

You have any?

Yudy.

Nope, okay.

No, no worries.

It's a...

Mostly just, I'm just doing comedy for the most part.

That's an H, not an M, huh?

Yes, sir.

UD.

UD.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Just doing comedy for the most part.

I'm here in Austin.

I'm an LA comic here for the week and

did a couple shows and now I'm here.

How long have you been doing stand-up in LA?

Two and a half years.

So the whole time in LA.

Yes, sir.

Are you from L.A.?

I am.

Born and raised?

Born in India?

Grew up in LA.

How old were you when you moved to LA?

Nine years old.

Nine years old.

What part of L.A.

do you live in exactly?

West LA.

West LA.

By the beach?

By the airport.

Culver City.

Culver City.

They know all about it.

What do you love about Culver City?

It's a location.

It's pretty close to

anything about LA change in the past 10 years.

There were a couple of fires.

I don't know if you guys heard about those.

Those were

not exactly what I'm talking about, unless you're talking about the police cars being on fire.

Anything else that you've noticed about the culture?

A lot of shit's changed by L.A.

Like what?

Well, I guess it got worse for a while.

After COVID, it got worse, and then it kind of come back up now, I think.

Okay.

Yeah.

Crimes and shit like that, you know.

You sure you're not in the valley?

It looks like you directed fat porn.

Oh, well, listen, ladies.

Ladies, it's back to the ladies again.

You were a horned motherfucker, hundred dollars.

Ah, well.

He really is.

There's a lot of energy there.

Where'd you meet this Latina that you found?

Hinge.

Okay.

Do you go a lot on the dating sites?

I try to.

I don't know.

Go on a lot of dates.

What's your go-to moot?

Where do you like to take a girl on a date?

Manhattan Beach.

Oh.

I got a place in Manhattan Beach, go there first date, and then do what you got to do.

It's your place?

No, no.

Like a nice restaurant there.

Okay, what kind of food is it exactly?

Bosta, you know, Italian place.

Okay.

Yeah.

Carbonar?

Sure.

Tai shit.

A little swigatel.

Hell sure.

You know what that is?

A little faggotine for Tony?

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Got me again.

Got me.

Everyone remember when he was scared to take his shirt off because it was going to exist on the internet forever?

Fucking ever.

And then I'd be known as the guy, the Indian Bird Kreischer, fucking forever.

Yeah, no thanks.

No.

Dirt Kreischer.

Dirt Kreischer.

There's a little joke book, my friend.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

There goes Budhi Sharma.

Thank you.

Let's fucking let's juice up the room a little bit.

You know, it's been kind of fucking...

We've been missing some energy in here.

I think it's time that we bring in one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, ladies and gentlemen.

And an absolute anomaly.

One of the

one of the one of just the fucking best.

On stage, offstage, cool as fuck, absolutely hilarious.

Very soon, hopefully, he, like us, will be an American citizen.

But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin.

This is Ari Mati.

What's up?

Shut up, bitch.

It's my time.

So I've been trying trying to

assimilate

fit in

to the American culture.

I've been trying to listen to some of your music.

Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift.

What a pile of shit, huh?

How is she famous?

How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai?

Who the fuck goes to these concerts?

Jesus Christ, ISIS, pull your shit together.

Bomb the concert.

How many letters do I have to write?

You hate...

Isis hates women and gay people, dude.

At a Taylor Swift concert?

The homo per square meter.

Dude, you blow up a Taylor Swift concert next day.

Perfect society.

It's like children's music, no?

I have a teacher.

What?

If you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift and I fuck you,

I should go to prison.

Because I'm clearly banging.

I'm mentally challenged.

Retarded ass bitch.

No wonder she's dating a football player, you know?

Only a man with CT, fucking.

Those two retards at home.

Thank you so much.

That's my time.

You're all great.

There

it is

again.

The one

and the only.

You too, white.

Ari Matty.

We love it.

Hey, are you?

There is no question.

Everyone agrees with everything you just said.

But really, who are like...

They're sick in the head.

There's people that are truly...

They have obsessed.

Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine.

Yep.

And she ain't got no ass.

Yes.

No ass.

I don't get that either.

No ass at all.

No ass.

No ass, no titty.

No ass, no diddy.

Has there ever been a female star that big, like a musician that big, that doesn't have an ass?

See, exactly.

When I was young, it was Britney Spears.

British Pierce?

Madonna's got ass.

You don't have no ass.

Lizzo, Lizzo, hey, look, I can hold you, bro.

Madonna don't have no ass.

Oh, right band.

Wow.

Black band.

Here you are.

Okay, thank you.

I'd rather do Adele.

Adele?

Adele.

Yeah.

You fucking with Lizzo?

Hell yeah.

I'd rather do Lizzo or Taylor.

Shit out of Lizzo now.

Hell yeah.

I was looking forward to her find a hole.

She got skinny a little bit.

She's still big, but that's like

she got got a little better.

Like, listen.

You think she's skinny?

She was fat before.

She is morbidly obese.

She look better now.

Look out, Lizzo, right now.

She's not as fat as she was.

Listen.

Show us a current picture of Lizzo.

Back then, I will fucking not tell nobody, and now I will fucking tell somebody.

You know what I'm saying?

Lizzo.

Talking about Lizzo, Red Band.

He's trying to think of something mediocre to say, so he doesn't even...

Know what we're talking about.

They would have to slingshot you into her pussy.

I'm cool with that.

I'm cool with that.

We're going together.

We'll go together.

We'll go together.

She looks better now.

Hunch three could fuck Lizzo.

Yeah, we can make it happen, baby.

We all get on his shoulders.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah.

That shirt's looking pretty good, are you?

Is that?

What's that?

He's been stealing shirts all night, dude.

Shirts off?

Is that the word what?

No, he's been taking off.

She's wearing some methadic shirts.

She's still fat as fuck.

But you see that shit, though?

And with a vagina ear.

You wouldn't even believe it.

She can get fucked, though.

I fucked the shit out of Lizzo right now.

Okay, y'all not whipping me.

It looks like if someone dipped Red Band in milk chocolate, dude.

It's no crazy.

Yeah, you're just thinking about how big she was before.

Well, yeah, she got a little better.

Here she is right here, everybody.

Lizzo.

Here she is.

What happened to you?

First thing you say is, Cam, fuck you.

I ain't say shit.

Taylor's got no ass.

Lizzo has no eyes.

The world is crazy.

Lizzo.

Yeah, she's huge.

Ari Maddie, what else is going on?

We went to, we're doing some of those killers of Kill Tony's, you know.

Oh, I hung out with Cam's family.

Dude, he's got a crazy, this is a crazy family, huh?

Oh, yeah.

His dad is so funny.

I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work, huh?

Dude, at one point we did the show.

We did the show.

We go to the green room and Cam just wants a second after he said, he just wants a second to sit down before he goes out for the meet and greet.

And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door, and goes, Cam, I got to talk to you.

Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting.

Get on out there and make us some money.

What the fuck are you welcome for, Red Man?

It is.

I love it.

true.

It is your traditional, I guess it is indeed part of the culture, much like having a big entourage, having a dad.

If you're a black dad, one thing that I've learned, and maybe this isn't everybody, but just my own personal studies,

is that if the black dad is present in the black young achieving artist's life,

or

athlete's life.

And yes, it is a big F.

Thanks for adding that in.

That is Fox News contributor Tyler fisher

but if they are in the young artist or athlete successful life they do tend to be the one that takes the check that kind of like and deposits it and does everything i i asked him that they he came uh

Michael, what were you saying, Michael?

He came to the show last week with a whole Gucci outfit on

this money from and he looked me in my face and said my investment paid off

Black Rock.

That's true.

That's the way you can that's the way when you're a black guy you can get your dad to stick around.

You got to become a global superstar.

He'll be around.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, they'll show up

so funny they will show up i've had a couple black men pop into my life claiming to be my long-lost father

okay red man jesus

christ the wheel three times in a row red man crazy it's crazy that shirt is so red it is a red shirt i found it at a secondhand store in schnechter daddy Schnechtedaddy I went to yeah upstate New York didn't know New York is that big

You know, I was, dude.

Dude, I was so excited to go to New York.

In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know, just...

And then we land in Schnecktedaddy and Binghamton, dude.

I kept walking around Schnecktedaddy, asking for people which way is Statue of Liberty.

Schnecked Daddy.

Fuck, this country's big.

What where the fuck is Schneckstaddi at?

You haven't beat the chicken schnitzel?

Schenectady.

Schnecked.

Oh, yeah.

Schneck the daddy.

Schneck the daddy.

Is that in your place?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not exactly pronounced schneck to daddy.

But I like the way Ari says it, so we're going to stick with it.

But yeah, it's upstate New York, not far from the Canadian border, probably, right?

Probably an hour.

No idea.

I turned on Google.

Are those proud Canadians over there?

Is that the pop that I'm hearing?

Nope.

Perfect.

All right, God.

Is that my Rochester?

Whoa, there they are.

We found them.

There's the upstate New York people that hate Rochester.

Fuck Rochester, nigga.

Oh, my God.

The place is chaos.

I stand on that, too.

Upstate New York, a highly debated topic.

Is it worse than hell?

Ah, a lot of people.

He was bleak.

Like I asked a barista there, like a lady, I was like, so what do you?

Because I was trying to figure out what the fuck, what is it?

And I was like, so, like, what do you do here?

She goes, Well, I'm the quarterback for the Buffalo Bills.

In the offseason, I make coffee.

Actually, the quarterback for the Bills is cool.

Josh Allen.

There you go.

Not actually, yay, everybody.

I know who Josh Allen is, and I didn't know what the bean was.

All right.

Flag on the play.

Lying by the homosexual.

15-yard penalty.

They're down.

Yes.

Okay.

Red Dan.

A lot of Red Bull for you today, huh?

Jesus fucking.

It's like fucking Beethoven on a soundboard over here.

It's like, I don't think you need both hands, Red Ban.

Anything else crazy, Ari, before we get back to this bucket?

No, just been enjoying life.

The fans are so good.

You are

always rock solid with your minutes.

Absolutely incredible.

You've done it again.

Thank you so much.

All right, now

back to the bucket.

We go, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Craig Baxter, everybody.

Craig Baxter.

Here we go.

Oh, hell yeah.

Let's go.

All right.

Do I just go?

I don't have to.

You guys, how you doing?

You guys, everybody from Austin?

We got foreigners here?

What do we got?

Guy in the plane doesn't even follow comedy.

He's like, this is the place to be.

Then I get here.

The odds are like 8 million to one to be on here.

I'm from a small town, man.

I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show.

They don't even fit.

They're like falling out of the front doors over there.

What do we got here tonight?

We got how many single people we got?

We got a couple.

How many married people?

All right, one group has hope.

That's cool.

You guys, you ever

see underwear in your trash skip work and file for divorce?

My family left it down by the road.

The neighbors are walking their dog, calling 911

about the bodies buried next door.

You know,

they're posting pics on Facebook like hashtag graves next door

hashtag milk carton kids mystery solved hashtag time to move

I'm gonna cut you off there Craig before the bear steps in step on that red X over there get way over there where the where you should be

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show Craig.

How are you?

Great.

How you doing?

Great.

It was an okay performance.

Good news.

I have 438 questions to ask you right now.

All right, what do you got?

I love it.

You are an incredible specimen.

How old are you?

Let's start there.

51.

51.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

About since 2013, 10 years.

Okay,

where have you been doing this?

Under like corporate parties or something like that?

Is it some kind of, where are you doing it at?

Yeah, well, Erie PA.

There's not much.

Erie Paul.

Eri PA, I know it very well.

Not far from where I was raised in Youngstown, Ohio.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, you know of Youngstown.

Absolutely.

About, what, What is that, about an hour away?

Yeah, yeah.

Yep.

Okay, what do you do for work in Erie PA?

Quality control, food industry.

Wow, what exactly are you checking?

I'm checking grape juice.

I'm checking.

I used to work with salt, all kinds of stuff.

Oh, I don't know if you know this, but Cam is also a grape juice quality control.

Look at that good.

I'm too drunk to respond to that right now.

It's on it.

How you feel about that?

You like black people?

Oh, absolutely.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Why not?

I like this guy a lot.

What's the difference?

He's killed a couple, it looks like.

He looks like the accountant for a serial killer.

It really is.

Does it pay?

I love it.

You have a real look to you.

Craig, I gotta know.

I mean, there is no question.

You live alone?

yeah yeah

yeah

there is no question I've asked almost everyone probably about I would have to guess 70 to 80 percent of all the bucket pools I've asked if they have any hobbies now I'm I'm gonna get there but I'm not asking yet let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a hobby but you have hobbies you are the kind of guy that has a fucking room dedicated to something the walls are covered in it they're in collectible film there's There's something going on here.

Might be trains, might be cards.

Thank you, Red Band.

Thank you for adding so deeply to this.

Thank you.

Thank you even more.

But there is no question in my mind that you are a man of many hobbies.

What are those hobbies?

Hobby?

Cycling, cross-country skiing, triathlons?

A super athlete.

I wouldn't have guessed that, actually.

Are you the guy that was choking out the meatball jiu-jitsu guy earlier?

No.

All right.

Wow.

So you're in good shape, huh?

Well, yeah, I'm getting old, but yeah.

Right.

Absolutely.

Well, some people are asking to take it off.

This is a very wild show.

Wow.

How many of you guys think Craig and Tyler should trade shirts, huh?

Let's do it.

You want to try this one up?

Yeah, let's do a little switcheroo.

Tyler is tossing me the knife.

This is absolutely incredible what's happening here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

This shirt is going...

What's going to be funny is when Craig goes back across the street to the bar and runs into fucking Remy Sweiss and is like, hey,

where the hell did you get?

That's my favorite shirt.

Wow.

Incredible.

Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on.

Honey, I shrunk my panel guest.

This is incredible.

Absolutely adorable, Tyler Fisher.

Oh

my goodness.

Wow.

This is a full switch of room.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, turn around.

This is incredible.

Welcome to Bill and Ted's not so excellent adventure.

Looks like Josh Potter.

I don't even know which one's which now.

This is incredible at this point.

Somehow, somehow Craig Baxter looks young.

Craig's like that hot chick in a rom-com.

Takes the glasses off, turns into a stud.

I'm like, what do you collect trains?

He's like, I'm a triathloid.

This is incredible, Craig.

You need to get the fucking LASIC, bro.

All right, band, everyone, settle down.

Let's check in with Tyler Fisher here.

I can't see shit, dude.

How do you kill those people?

How do you fucking kill those people, man?

No wonder he's got to stay in shape.

He's got a fucking

Do you feel different in those glasses?

Yeah, dude.

I feel like I want to fuck a kid.

Like I want to fuck myself.

I can't even figure it out.

It is incredible.

There's no doubt about it.

This does look like.

Right?

If you didn't have facial hair, I would call the police on this duo right now, Tyler.

We can catch pedophiles.

I'll be the kid.

Got him, get him, come on, get him.

I can't see him.

I can't see him.

I can't fuck him if I can't see him.

The kid from behind, the pedophile from the front, it is unbelievable.

Wow.

It just looks like pedophile Halloween costume.

It's just in the bag.

You go, oh, shit.

Tyler, come back over here.

Keep the glasses.

I want to talk to Craig without his glasses.

Craig, are you aware that you literally look 30 years younger without the glasses on?

You look like a human, like a good, decent human being.

You know, you'll probably enjoy this.

The eye doctor, he said, I went in for LASIK.

He said, I can't even fix this.

He wasn't even, he said, I've been doing this 30 years.

Nothing I can do.

Now, what does it look like?

What's the difference between glasses and oh shit?

Oh, shit.

Scam Patterson has arrived, everybody.

Hey, copy.

Hey, give me that routing number, girl.

I'll do your taxes for you.

Don't worry about it.

They said that shit look real good, nigga.

It's whoopee right there.

His highlighted.

What did he say?

Well, they're outside and really fucked up, nigga.

This is terrible.

I could tell your eyes are bad, Craig, by the way that you buttoned your shirt.

You came in with your shirt tucked in now you have the eighth button up on the fourth button down this is incredible I would lose the glasses you look fucking hot man is that what I look like

no we're my single people come on people

he also looks like Macaulay Culcan on meth this is weird man

It is so let's talk about it.

How bad is your vision?

Can you drive without glasses?

Can you?

Into stuff, yeah.

So it's really bad, huh?

How many fingers am I holding up?

How many fingers am I holding up?

I think four, but that's just because I know you have a whole hand.

I mean, okay, let's try it again.

How about now?

I'm going

two to four.

That's a good guess.

It is a very good guess.

Oh my God, what the fuck is going on?

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

This is crazy.

Holy shit.

Wow.

You are fucking halfway to D-Madness land, dude.

That is unbelievable.

You could be a Delta pilot.

It could.

I could.

Yeah, I'm still fucking banned from that airline, so.

So, Craig, what is exactly going on with your love life?

I gotta know.

Like, you just haven't...

What are you into?

Big booty Latinas?

Yeah, that's a good choice, actually.

Maybe I should have gone to Miami.

I thought Austin was the place, but, you know.

I love this guy, man.

I know.

He is fantastic.

Are you on, like, the dating apps or something?

No, but that's one of my jokes.

I was going to do it, but I ran out of time.

Go right ahead.

Hey, you guys.

You don't need to ask them if they're on the dating apps.

Just do the joke.

Well, that's the story of the video.

Okay, well, you can do it without.

you guys on eHarmony, match.com, or Tinder?

I'm not a stalker.

One in four people has a profile, none of them here.

That's plausible.

You know what I like about the dating ads?

I like when women are honest, you know, when they're like, if you're married with kids and here to cheat, keep in mind I'm a leper.

That's a chick I want to hang out with.

She's spunky, you know?

You should word spunky, nigga.

It's 2025.

You just said spunky, nigga.

Oh, my goodness.

Wait, was that your impression of a black guy?

That's that's my about to get an ass kicked as a white guy.

We love it.

We love it.

We love it.

So, Craig, like, tell me, your last, like, date, what was that?

Let's just go with the last one.

Like, where was that?

How does that go down?

Where do you find this person?

Turn your hat backwards so we could all see your face.

Fuck yeah.

Guys, hot.

Be honest, it was like hike, you know, that didn't really go anywhere.

Did she make it back from the hiking trip?

I heard on Facebook she did.

Okay.

So your last one was a hike.

Nothing happened there.

How about the last time you got some action?

Where do you find this innocent victim?

In Erie.

Have you seen the people in Erie?

Man,

we've got like depression, snow, and diabetes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, but let's get back to that question.

Okay.

Yeah.

The last time you got laid,

when was that?

Well, before my eyes went bad.

I had contacts for a couple years.

That was good.

Let's go back to the question.

Okay.

Let's try it again here.

Last time you had intercourse with a living woman.

Living woman.

Okay.

Yeah.

And what about that?

When was that?

Ballpark.

Year, ten years?

About three years.

Okay.

And so was that your girlfriend at the time or something like that?

Yeah, well, friend from the sports.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Good looking triathlete girl.

Yeah.

Good looking triathlete girl.

And

do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom?

Do you have any tricks to please the ladies?

Like Like the calculator or something like that.

Boobs.

Okay, I'm bothering him.

He does look like he would touch a boob and say boobs.

Boobs.

Well, because you can't see him.

Boobs.

Yeah.

Yeah, those are my boobs, Craig.

It's all about the tongue.

Okay, the tongue guy.

Craig,

flipped a coin and answered correctly.

You are correct.

What is your trick with the tongue?

What do you do?

It's all about rhythm.

It's all about back.

And let's see.

Do you have any rhythm?

Oh, my.

Well,

I wasn't actually expecting that.

When I said, let's see, I was going to ask.

I was going to go, let's see, and you were going to start eating air pussy over there.

Well,

You might be eating ear pussy when that guy takes his shirt back.

They set you up right now.

Take the glasses off and go to town on that guy's fucking ear.

He's going to let you go up on him.

Because he has a pussy for an ear.

He has cauliflower ear.

It's a whole thing.

Okay.

Man, Craig, you are such an interesting guy.

I feel like I could talk to you forever.

Fun times up here.

You still live in Erie?

Yes.

And what made you come to Austin, Texas?

Kill Tony.

But I mean, you just came and you signed up.

This is your first time signing up.

Yeah, I was just going to do a bunch of comedy stuff, get out of the snow.

I love it.

Perfect.

And it worked out for you.

Here's a big joke book, Craig, just because

I love your interview.

And he caught the book.

Absolutely incredible.

Wait, let's hold on.

Take out the glasses, and I'm going to throw you one of these little joke books, and I want to see if you can catch it.

I'm not going to hit you in the face.

I'm going to leave it short just so you know.

I just want to see if you could do it.

Ready?

Yeah.

Whoa!

Absolutely incredible.

Here, throw that back.

You don't get to keep that one.

You got a big one.

I'll take that.

The budget is.

We'll keep the shirt, but I'll take the hat.

Here's 10 bucks.

Go buy a new shirt.

I'll see you in the video.

You have a new shirt.

All is even.

You got a new joke book.

And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Craig back.

Take it easy.

He had a fun time.

No one needs to get murdered because he had a good time.

We're all safe here tonight.

Oh, you know he's having that time of his life.

There's going to be a grave rob tonight.

Just a mutilated corpse of a woman being ravaged while his bare ass bounces up and down with never-ending triathlete cardio.

Just fucking a corpse all night long.

That is a guy that never goes out of breath.

And he can see police coming from six miles away.

Alright, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Gowana.

Gowana, everybody.

Giwana, perhaps.

Gaiwana?

Giwana?

It is inside?

It doesn't say inside.

Is this Gwana?

Keep coming, Guana.

Well, you saw how it went earlier with an inside bucket pull.

I've tried to warn you.

We will see how how it goes again.

Usually, a fan that has seen the show and doesn't answer questions directly.

Very exciting stuff, but anything could happen.

This could be a prodigy, everybody.

It could truly be the next regular or golden ticket winner.

This is Guana.

So, I recently found out that steroids make me manic.

Have you ever woke up like

in this corner standing at five foot eleven

equipped with retard strength?

It's drawing

because I have

I accidentally cut my finger off in the procession.

dollars.

It's okay, I can go.

I'm from the Northwest area.

Wednesday.

Pinky out.

I hate this show.

I hate it.

We've been doing it too long.

I think we beat the game.

I think it's over, everybody.

It's just

wild what's happening.

Why you pop that ass this way?

You got no ass at all, man.

What is going on?

That shit terrible, dog.

Taylor's shifty over here.

Hold up, guys.

I just want to say, I believe that.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Relax, relax, hold on.

You have to.

You scale this young white lady.

It takes time.

Hold on.

It takes time.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Don't cup the mic like that and just talk whenever you want.

Okay, Tyler Fisher.

I gotta say something.

Tonight, this might be the only shirt that actually fits me.

Okay.

Guana, am I saying that correctly?

Yeah, it's the feminine version of batshit.

Guana.

Oh, that bitch crazy.

This bitch is insane, person.

She is something else.

Guana, is that always how long have you gone by Guana?

For quite a while now.

Okay.

So, So

how many times have you been to prison?

Well, I was once on accident.

I was 17.

I was in West Virginia.

And

the people I was with was a little crazy.

So the jail was burnt down.

And they took us to prison.

And I was too afraid to call my dad.

So I stayed there for like three fucking weeks.

What were the people that you were staying with doing?

Cam?

I think she escaped.

I think she escaped.

i i don't think she posted be free i think this is an insane person it's a mental patient and we need to help her right now why did they send you to prison at 17 i i literally would not call my dad right right right right right but what was the offense that sent you what did you do what did the cops say that you did they said the dog hit from marijuana on my car

uh-huh but they couldn't find it What was it in there?

Fuck yeah.

Okay.

Where was it?

Dude, okay, so like are you still?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

See, that's, we're not doing that.

Are you still working

on Taco Bell?

Okay, okay, I will let you go.

Kohan.

And I took the tray and it, like, fit under my passenger seat of my car so perfect, like under the tracks that if you fell under it, it just felt like the bottom of your car.

Life heck.

Wow.

And that, yeah, they didn't find it.

I feel people going to Taco Bell all around the country right now just so that they could hide their marijuana in an open cardboard box so that anybody can smell it, but you cannot for the life of you find it.

Facts.

Facts indeed.

It's not the box is like the tray that you get when you go eat inside.

Got you.

How about the second time you went to prison?

Nope.

There was no second time?

No.

That was it.

Yeah.

Okay.

I thought you said...

I thought I was...

No, well, I've definitely been to jail.

Okay.

How about that?

That's a great point.

I am saying prison

like a savage over here.

I just assume you're at a full-time prison, but what have you been to jail for?

Let's name some more fun offenses here.

They're not fun, though.

Okay.

It's serious shit.

Okay.

Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson.

For sure.

Okay,

what were the offenses that sent you to jail?

Yeah, get rid of them.

Well, I fucking tried to kill myself.

Okay, they put you to jail.

Hold on, okay.

All right.

Okay, everyone relax.

I told you this bitch escape.

It's wild.

Three sound effects at once.

Why did you crash that plane in Toronto?

Well,

hold on.

Okay.

When did you try to kill yourself?

Let's say, like, uh,

in 2021.

Okay, that's very recent.

What happened?

Um, so, long story short, I was like on a bunch of meds from the doctor trying to get my mental health right.

And my friend at the time, my best friend, since like my whole entire life, she was trying to do the same thing,

but she took her life.

Gone.

Your friend killed herself.

Yeah, right.

Gone.

And we were like trying really hard to get her meds right.

No matter what we did, it didn't work.

And she's gone.

And like, and I couldn't handle it, and I wasn't handling myself well.

And I tried to do the same thing out of like not thinking correctly.

And got it.

How did you try to do it?

How did you try to kill yourself?

So I took like 45 Xanax bars.

No lie.

Two less than tonight.

And I like uh...

I can overdose on this.

I'm so small.

What do you do for work now, Guana?

So I'm an artist.

Okay, like a really awesome artist.

I love art.

Yeah.

Tattoo artist.

I do art.

And uh...

Okay.

I door dash.

Okay.

You do what?

Door dash.

You do DoorDash.

She don't got no pinky, but she a tattoo artist.

People, well, you're probably right-handed, right?

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Okay.

Look how big my hands are, first of all.

Hey.

Whoa.

How about working man hands?

I can do a lot of shit with these girls.

What's up?

You also have working man's face, Gwana.

Let's talk about it.

Okay, we're having fun here.

You could actually afford to lose half a finger.

Yeah.

Gwana, let's go through the pinky slicing moment here.

How did that happen?

So I was using a chainsaw attachment on an edge grinder, carving out a giant like tree stump that I got off this guy's property that he had out in the trash.

And I took it to my house.

It was like 8 million thousand pounds.

And this guy was like, here.

And I use a chainsaw and I cut it up in pieces.

And then I was like carving it out, making cool art.

And I had glasses and everything, and it just hit a knot in the wood and slipped back and took it off.

Okay.

That was a long way to get there um

kwana let's talk about it what else do you do with your life when you're not doing art or everything

let's just rattle some things up i like to sing i play guitar i do all right sing what do you like to sing

yeah i do everything and i did learn how to replay the guitar without my finger you did yeah your finger's still longer than mine and i got the full thing that is incredible

would you guys like to switch pinkies for the rest of the night

I would kill for a pinky that big.

You should finger that guy's ear with that fucking pinky.

Cauliflower ear is just hot.

Well, tight as fuck.

Yeah.

You actually...

Wow, that's incredible.

Knowledge is power.

Okay.

Wait, no, okay, you were on the inside tonight.

You've been to the show tonight.

How did you end up here?

I waited outside since like 3 p.m.

Yeah, for standby tickets and I went and signed up and I did all the things and I met all the people and I had a great, amazing, amazing time.

Fun.

Well, I'm glad that you had fun, Guana.

How exciting.

Here's a little joke book.

Yeah.

All right, we're having fun here tonight.

There's a wild bunch, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know.

There used to be.

How about another hand for the lovely Heidi?

Am I right, everyone?

My goodness.

Saging the room after Guana was up here.

Reactivating our

All right, your next bucket bull goes.

We still having fun out there?

Make some noise for Chris Berlin, everybody.

Chris Berlin.

Here we go.

You know who doesn't like sexism?

Fat, ugly chicks.

I watched this lady come out of a plant store carrying a giant bush.

I said, I see you.

She said, it's for my living room.

I said, so is mine, queen.

My pronouns are G F Y and U S A.

Thank you, that's my time.

Okay, Chris Perlin.

That was funny.

How you doing, Chris?

Chris, stop fucking shaking Cam's hand.

Cam, relax.

Jesus Christ.

What is this?

The handshake show?

What the hell's going on over here?

Chris, stand right there.

Hello, how are you?

I'm well, thank you.

How long you been doing stand-up?

On and off since 2005.

Okay, why off sometimes?

I play music as well.

What do you do musically?

I play drums.

You play drums.

Oh, my God.

Let's just wait a second here.

Hold on, everybody.

Hold on.

Hold your horses.

Tony, listen.

So it's interesting.

From COVID, I got COVID shots and it did something to my shoulders.

I've lost all momentum in my arms.

Okay.

COVID vaccines.

Okay.

Really?

Yes.

And he's got no fingers.

Okay.

Everybody.

No, hold on.

Yep.

Okay.

Okay.

So are you being serious?

I am.

I'm dead serious.

Did they shoot it in both shoulders?

They did.

Really?

What made you get a second one?

Well, no, no, no.

And listen, so, so

when I went for the vaccine.

Are you fucking with me?

Is this like an MSNBC prank show where it's like

trick a patriot?

No, listen.

listen when I went to get the covet shot they also gave me some flu shot they said we're gonna split it up into two vaccines put one in each arm and I was like that sounds smart

it was not and probably like 18 days later I lost all momentum like

it debilitated me.

I was a big surfer.

I mean, just it changed my life.

Wow.

It changed my life.

So you can't play the drums anymore?

No.

Wow.

That is so sad.

There you go.

There's a little Mexican music.

Just uh...

Alright.

So did you notice any other side effects, Chris?

Other than losing use of your shoulders probably?

No.

Okay.

Where do you live?

Talk right into the tip of that microphone.

I live in Austin now.

Okay.

When did you move here?

I moved here in July.

And where were you before this?

San Francisco.

San Francisco, I was gonna guess that.

I should have just fucking done it.

What do you do for work?

I'm a creative director.

Creative directress.

What are you creatively directing?

I creatively direct a podcast and I work for a gaming company.

Okay.

What do you do for the gaming company?

I do live comms.

So everything that comes out of the gaming company, I'm

the mouthpiece.

Okay.

All right.

The mouthpiece.

What is that?

What exactly do you mean by that?

Well, I put on a show every day.

We put out

I put out a daily show.

You play games?

No, I report the news.

What kind of news?

It's crypto news.

Crypto news.

Okay.

How's that going for you?

You making money in crypto?

Dude, dude, crypto's...

The best advice if you are a crypto trader is remove the firearms from your house.

I'm telling you, like, crypto, like, dude,

they took my phone away, and in the last five minutes, it's gone down another 20%.

Like I'm it's it's it's no bueno.

It seems like a very shaky industry, right?

Dude, I believe in it.

I believe in it.

Why?

Explain to us all why you believe in it.

We very rarely talk about crypto.

Okay, and just super quick, so Solana, to me, Solana's amazing and it's built for dApps.

Is this your little sister, Cam?

Who's Solana exactly?

We love Solana.

That's one of the destiny's children.

So, Tony,

the easiest way that I can explain it is

think of Wells Fargo as a bank.

That's a centralized application.

If you want to send, let's say, money to Mexico, you have to go through a bank.

You've got to do all of that.

Do my cleaning, lady.

I get my cleaning.

Like whatever it is, right?

When you're dealing with crypto, it's person to person.

There's no central organization.

well that seems trustworthy how could that ever go wrong

are you doing pump and dumps is that what you're doing like all that bullshit no no what do you do

you just hope to get lucky you just trust another human no we're building an ecosystem okay forget it

chris what do you do for fun

uh i'm a I was a musician for my entire life.

I'm a surfer, an artist, I paint, I do all.

Your arms, for a guy with shoulder injuries, you're moving around like a fucking yeah like one of those inflatables that he used car lot

you're like i lost use of my shoulders years ago i can't play the drums i can't surf i can't do anything tony i wish i could tell you more you gotta meet with rfk jr i don't think you're vaccine injury i think you're just retarded you know i know i hate to say it i really hate to say it

He has retarded AIDS.

I really hate to say that.

Sorry, Cheryl.

RFK, how do you feel about this?

This This is exactly what you've been talking about.

You and everyone else with common sense.

It's about the vaccines.

I'm not anti-vaxxer.

I'm anti-retardation.

What do you think he should do?

Would you have any exercises?

I would do a couple shots of Peptobezball.

And stop being such a pussy.

Yeah.

Chris, have you tried playing the drum since this injury?

No, I haven't.

It kind of seems like you can.

Do you guys believe in miracles, everybody?

Here's a drum solo from Chris

Beskin.

Oh, okay.

Michael has a great idea.

Very rarely do I take my band seriously at all, but I heard Michael's idea, and it sounds fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the Black Blind drum off, everybody.

This young man, Chris Beskin, is going to do a drum solo, and then D-Madness Blind is going to do a drum solo.

Ladies and gentlemen, going first, this is Chris Beskin.

If he wins this competition, he

will

have to lose his eyesight.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, by the way.

He just fell over.

Fun fact, that was not D Madness that fell over.

That was the guy with bad shoulders.

And here is a drum solo from Chris Beskin.

Okay.

It's okay.

All right.

Okay.

It's okay.

There he goes.

Chris Beskin.

Everybody wants to see the blind guy do it.

Get up, Chris.

Yeah.

Get up.

Get up, Chris.

Watch your head on the microphone there, Chris.

Here he goes.

You've never seen anything quite like it, ladies and gentlemen.

This is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drums.

Welcome to my little freak show that I call Kill Tony, everyone.

D-Madden is getting into position.

Somehow, nailing the landing better than Chris Beskin.

He is in his seat.

And ladies and gentlemen, this

is the one and only is making some adjustments here.

This is indeed D-Madness everyone.

Ladies and gentlemen,

wow.

Express VPN Zipper Cruder and Prize Picks proudly presents another episode of Kill Tony.

That is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Undisputed, undefeated.

the grand champion of kill tony

the mac daddy of them all laughing his ass off he fucking loves it

bitch ass having no shoulder having ass bitch

just talking shit the whole way to his seat show bitch ass shoulders

Chris, I'm sorry.

Are you hurt over there?

You look, oh my god.

Now people are, the fucking internet's gonna be like, god damn it, Tony fucking, Tony and his ego made that innocent guy play drums, and now he's a victim.

Tony hurt that guy while he was living his dreams.

Are you okay, Chris?

We're good, right?

We're good, we're good.

Okay, I'll give you an aspirin after this.

Got some good advil cooking up in the front here.

Um, so, uh, Chris, tell us something else crazy about your life.

You seem like an interesting guy, you seem smart and cool.

I loved the set,

I really did.

I appreciate it.

Um,

you know what?

Life Life is crazy.

I mean, this is in all earnestness.

Life is crazy, and

there's ups and there's downs.

And it's important.

It's important

to

keep going.

And

if you're chasing your dreams,

Remember that you're a disappointment to somebody.

I love that.

Chris, Chris, here's a big joke book.

Thanks for coming on the show.

Great stuff.

Great spirit.

Great energy.

You're good.

You're good.

You're good.

There goes Chris Beskin, everyone.

Adorable.

Another perfect example of

big pharmas.

Anyway,

let's just keep it moving along here.

This is a one-word name.

Those are usually very fun.

Let's see what happens.

Make some noise for Longoria, everyone.

Longoria.

So I was looking for parking just earlier before the show, and I stopped at the red light down on Trinity.

And I looked to my left, and there were two gay guys kissing.

And I thought to myself, good for them.

Good for them.

I keep driving, right?

I come to another red light out here.

And again, I look to my left, and two lesbians kissing.

And I think to myself, nice.

Very nice.

The light turns green, and I keep driving.

And I come to another red light.

And

I really wish I was making this up because right there, a good friend of mine, another comic by the name of of Joe Filey pulls up right up next to me on a Harley

and you know it's a cool bike but my guy is riding bitch holding on to another guy's waist

and before I could even think I was already hold on tight you wouldn't want to fall you fucking

Longoria okay

fun

Good.

How long you been on stand-up?

Exactly a year.

Exactly a year.

Give or take Exactly a year.

You're a funny guy.

How old are you?

32.

32.

What do you do for work?

I work with dogs.

I'm a dog groomer.

You're a dog groomer.

Yes, sir.

You have any tricks to getting dogs to calm down or to stop barking or anything?

That's actually my specialty.

Yeah, you're like the

little dog terrorist or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Calm down.

Poodle.

I do call the maskhole a lot and bitch.

How do you, what is your secret to calming dogs down?

Well, I have a mobile salon, so that helps a lot.

Like from dumb and dumber?

Yeah, pretty much.

Not as cool, though.

And I just, I take my time.

Uh-huh.

And

sometimes I don't really get anything done, and I have to come back to them maybe like in a couple weeks or so.

And, well, I mean, these are very...

like very aggressive dogs that i work with like today i had two dogs and i almost died like 50 times

they were like two kind of dogs were they?

They were Pyrenees.

Oh, I don't know.

Matt Muelling, dog aficionado.

Matt Muelling is cracking up over there.

He reads, it's a small breed.

Matt says it's a very small breed.

Is this true?

Wait, I'm really high, so I might be thinking of the wrong breed.

No,

you're right.

Matt's wrong.

This dog is fucking huge.

Yeah, they're like 200 people.

You pictured a new peeking.

Pekinese is the tiny dog, yes.

I got that.

Mr.

Me, Mr.

Not Know Anything, Mr.

Bean.

I knew it was Pekinese.

I had a Pekinese once.

Yeah, back in the day.

So these dogs were huge.

What were they trying to do to you?

Did they think you were one of them?

Yeah, pretty much.

That's what I do.

I kind of like integrate into the.

You smoke a lot of pot?

Yeah.

After work.

Look at his fucking shirt, man.

It's wild.

It's fat as glass.

Yeah, it's a donkey with gold teeth.

You 100% Mexican?

I'm half Mexican and half Arab.

Right.

Boom.

What's the Arab half?

Egyptian.

Okay.

And your mom is the Mexican?

Dad's the Egyptian?

My mom's the Egyptian.

My dad's Mexican.

Where do they meet?

How many kids do they have?

Just me and my sister.

Odd mission.

Are they still together?

Yeah.

They love each other.

Some fucking how.

I mean, they're still together.

Did they ever tell you how they

ever tell you how they met?

How that came to be?

Not really.

Mexican and an Egyptian.

So interesting.

What did your dad do for work?

He's a farmer.

Wait.

Yeah.

Yep, he's the Mexican.

That would be the farmer.

How about your mom?

Does she have a job?

She used to be a teacher.

She does taxes and stuff like that.

Yeah.

That's Egyptian.

That's an Egyptian thing.

Okay, what do you do for fun when you're not taking care of the dogs and everything?

Well, I mean, I have four dogs of my own.

So, I don't know, I just hang out with them and then I try to do comedy as much as I can.

And that's about it.

I don't really play many games.

What are the dogs' names?

What are the four dogs' names?

My dogs.

Yeah.

It's Bolt, Gideon, Sadie, and Kolachi.

Kalachi?

Yeah, Kolachi.

What do you think a Kolachi is, Cam?

Oh, I know what that is.

That's a

pastry, ain't them.

That is a pastry, yes.

I'm getting caught in my pastry.

I rattle off a lot of pastries.

I'll be around the world now, so I be seeing shit now, but I know what a kalachi is, nigga.

How do you spell it?

Fuck you.

Hell dog.

C you

wrong.

Oh, C-A, nigga, C-A.

K.

Fuck.

You have a girlfriend, Longoria?

No.

Okay.

You go out on dates ever?

Sometimes.

You get girls back to your place?

Are they overwhelmed?

No, I have to.

Awesome dogs.

Fuck that.

Right.

Your place is you and the dogs.

Yeah, it has to be their place.

And it's a van.

No.

I forgot about that.

It's a very nice apartment with a yard.

Okay.

All Alright.

No girls allowed, though.

No girls allowed.

No.

Right.

It's like, it's a club.

Okay.

It's a boy club.

What are the breeds of the dogs that you have?

It's two terriers and then two shepherds.

Nicks.

Okay.

Like a husky, one's more of a husky and one's more of a German shepherd, and then a border terrier and like a west terrier.

Okay, so it's like you, half terrorist.

Yeah.

All right.

What's a fun fact about you or your life that would surprise us?

I grew up playing hockey.

Really?

I'm a Mexican hockey player.

Yeah.

Goalie.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

There's no walls.

Open ice.

I am the wall.

Normally your people avoid ice at all costs.

Nice.

All right.

Nice.

Well, Goria, fun times.

I liked your jokes, man.

I don't know what's going on.

We have one, dude.

You do?

You've been on before?

Fuck yeah, I was on.

You just weren't wearing the hat last year.

Yeah, no hat.

No hat.

What's under there?

I'm curious to know.

Fucked up early.

My hat.

Wow.

There it is.

Incredible.

All right.

Longoria, thank you so much.

There he goes again, Longorio.

He's already got a big joke book.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we should put a ribbon on it.

We've had a fun episode.

We've had a blast.

There's only one way to end an episode like this, if you ask me,

and it is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show, an icon, a man who God Himself says has a greater healing touch than him.

A man who is known for not only discovering America, but figuring out that the earth is round and that all right, it is the Memphis Strangler,

the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine.

This is William Montgomery, everybody.

A white woman is suing a fertility clinic because she gave birth to a black baby.

And weirdly enough, the exact opposite thing happened to my mother.

When she saw me come out, she said, oh, hell no!

North Korea has outlawed eating hot dogs.

Apparently real dogs were getting their feelings hurt.

California Congressman Eric Swalwell, the guy who was fucking a Chinese spy, said Trump is responsible for the recent plane crashes.

No, Eric, that would be Hillary Clinton.

Hooters is thinking about filing for bankruptcy.

They're trying to decide whether to file a chapter 7, a chapter 11, or a chapter 36 double D.

Okay, that's my time.

Ladies and gentlemen, take note.

One of the best sets of the night came from the man who's done it more than anybody else hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times.

Thank you so much, Tony.

I'm feeling stronger than ever on the fucking row machine.

I'm now up to 91 miles since February 3rd.

I will say that.

I am not stopping that.

You seem very present.

There's a little bit of snap in your step today.

You seem rested.

Yeah, I'm feeling really good.

And I swore I would not even bring this up.

But last time I was talking, I was having the issues with not being able to do.

And now recently, I've been drinking on prune juice, which is like a miracle drink.

I've been drinking big cups of it.

And oh my god, my stomach's hurting right now, Tony, from how much I have to shed.

Wow, we have some Pepto-Bismol if you'd like some.

Where do you get this prune juice from?

At Randall's.

Okay, that's a very specific answer.

It's not in the freezer section, not in the fridge section, just by the other juices.

Right.

And is it from concentrate or pure prune juice?

I think pure prune juice.

I think,

I can't think of the brand.

It doesn't really matter.

How does it make you feel when you're on the toilet and the prune juice has shown mercy on you?

Well, two days ago, Tony, I swear to God, with the, and I think I've said this all before at one point, but the, how how it was jettisoning out of my asshole It was making the loudest like it sounded like a jet noise Tony and I'm holding on to the toilet can you do it impressionable

Wow yeah something like that

Very and I'm thinking hold on I've been drinking a bunch of water does I thought water comes out from your from your what bladder I'm thinking, how's all this liquid in my colon or my butt area?

So that part I didn't understand because when you you drink water isn't that in your it's like your front part right

well

is it so if you drink a bunch of water and you pee because it's coming it's in your front part but isn't the colon or whatever in your back part kind of so do you think the food goes in into the back and the liquid goes to the front you think that's what i was thinking about that's what i think my conclusion was coming to is it not two different places well the prune juice is a liquid right yep and then you have your uh club soda that you love so much to drink There's a lot of that, and then there's the water that you drink when you're working out, right?

Yes, now that you're rowing.

Yep, so there's a lot of liquid.

So it would make sense that it was okay.

It actually goes in your blood.

The liquid goes in your blood, and then it gets

redistributed.

Yeah, it goes in and then it goes to your blood.

Water goes to your blood, and then it gets redistributed by the water has a weird flow.

I looked this up recently.

It's creepy when you figure out.

Yeah,

look it up.

Oh, Red Band has to.

Dude.ca.

All right, very good.

Yes.

Cracking himself up.

Red Ban, have you been doing better?

I can't tell if you look okay or not.

Because now when I was doing real bad, I was wanting to make fun of you because I was not feeling good about myself, but now I feel so much better.

Now I'm worried about it.

Are you doing okay?

Okay.

Yes.

All right, I'm back, everybody.

About 90% of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's kind of a

tough question to ask fucking Google.

See that Delta plane that crashed?

Yeah.

Because the day we saw each other at the airport was the day I got banned for life from Delta, and then now they're crashing all the time.

How do you explain that, Tyler?

Just a little update.

I'm a pilot now, if y'all didn't know that.

William, what do you think?

If you ate ice, where do you think ice would go?

Oh, my gosh, that's a really good question, right?

I've never even thought about that.

If I ate ice,

good question.

I got to think about it.

I don't really know.

God, and Tony, you would have been so proud of Cam and Casey and I.

We were in our first Hollywood movie.

Tony, you would have been very proud of us.

Yeah, tell us more about that, William.

it was fun it was not a lot of pressure it was a pleasure to be with cam and casey not a lot of lines so the pressure wasn't on so we'll see i got fucking up a lot

yeah but you did good though you did good we had three lines it took four days

Because reading is hard.

I don't know if y'all know that or not.

What are they?

Can you just recite them?

I don't know.

I don't know if they can we do that with them or something we not know it was kind of crazy I was a little pissed that literally we were supposed to be there for seven hours.

It was four fucking days.

Cam was not saying this shit correctly.

It was a word that just kept fucking me up.

Y'all,

carpal tunnel.

Yeah, carpal tunnel, a hard word.

Cam couldn't say carpal tunnel.

I couldn't say carpal tunnel for fuck, man.

It's two words.

Carpal tunnel is two words.

It has a front and a half.

I thought it was together.

Two words?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm a dumbass.

I cool.

Good to know.

Yes, I thank you, John.

Whoever said spell it, I kill your grandma, nigga, I swear to God.

Spell grandma.

I can spell grandma.

This is fun.

G-A-R-A-M.

Oh, my God.

Oh, G-A-R-A-D-M-A.

Yep, grandma.

No.

That's my grandma.

Grandma.

Grandma.

Graham crackers.

I might have been drinking a little bit.

Fuck y'all, man.

Life is good.

Your grandma has carpal tunnel.

I like to spell carpal tunnel.

You don't believe me?

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Wait, it's two words, right?

All the cash on the table.

Yeah.

But we'll ignore the space.

We'll just know.

Are you matching it?

Oh, he's out cashing me.

Oh, he definitely knows.

He's out cashing me.

Oh, John's in on this somehow.

Cam has $35

bills.

Why do you have so many $5

bills?

I was like, holy shit, what does he have $3,300 bills?

You going to a fat strip club or something?

Yes.

All right, listen, I got it.

Carpool tunnel.

Wait, so it's two words, right?

All right.

First one, carpool.

Now, I know that's the thing that you drive in when you have more than one person in the car with you.

I go to the carpool tunnel.

I got it.

Hold on, here you go.

C-A-R.

Carpool.

Paul.

P?

Yep.

H?

No.

It's over.

Bluger move?

It's over.

There's so carful.

Let me do it.

I got it.

Hold on.

Give me a second.

I got it.

I got it.

Here it goes.

C-A-R C-A-R-P-A-L.

That's carpal fuck, nigga.

Yeah, that's one word.

Here it go.

Tunnel.

Yeah.

Tunnel is easy.

Here it goes.

Sure.

T-U-N-N.

Fuck you, bitch.

E-L.

Is that it?

Carpole.

Are you done guessing?

I got the rest of it.

Here it go.

F-U-C-K-N

I-G-G-A.

Carpet tunnel.

Fuck.

Hell yeah.

I love a good old black spelling, but I don't know what it is.

I just love it.

It goes down easier than prune juice on a Monday evening.

William, anything else going on crazy you want to let us know about?

You're wrapping the fucking the burn orange today?

Just, yeah, I'm starting to write.

They had, it came out with the boxcar children.

It was a bunch of books.

I'm starting to write my first book, and it's loosely based off the boxcar children, Tony.

That's what I've been spending a lot of my time doing.

It's kind of like a children's book.

I feel like I could maybe sell a lot more if it's for kids.

So we'll see how it goes.

I'm really looking forward to that.

How are your parents?

Well, I just got a message from my mother that my dad's taking her to the emergency room right now.

It's for the diverticulitis.

I pray to God.

Oof.

Yeah, literally 10 minutes ago, got the text message and my mom saying she loves all of us.

And I'm just trying to think, bitch, I'm about to go on fucking stage at least wait till after I get off to tell me you're dying no but I think she's okay yeah I hope so I hope we love Francis we love Larry it's harder to look up where water goes when it enters the body than you would think

it's kind of rough

but yeah goes in your blood crazy right and then gets back out again goes in through a thing through your like your intestines and then into your blood and then back out again what sweat cove for

that's a that's that too yeah it's all there's osmosis, there's a lot that goes into it.

Osmosis Jones, man.

A lot of people don't know this, but I am

a lot of people don't know this, but I am smarter than a Canadian doctor.

So it's a thing that's going on in the world.

A lot of people are asking, are you smarter than a Canadian doctor?

And I am.

What the fuck?

Tony A.

Never gonna stop being smarter than a Canadian doctor.

There goes William Montgomery.

Express BBS Zipper Griter Fries Fix.

TylerFisher.com.

CamPatterson.com.

William Montgomery is on tour.

Cam's on tour.

Tyler is on a national tour.

One more time for Tyler Fisher, everybody.

Cam Patterson, everyone.

The living legend is here.

The drawing from Ryan J.

Ebalt is in.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight.

Oh, it's Cam Patterson.

Look at that.

That looks just like him.

That's what Cam looks like and the king of $5 bills Abe Lincoln would be proud if he could see his face on all those bills

he would be like that's why I freed him happy black history month nigga

whatever he just said for sure how about one more time for the best stamp band in the land red band check out sunset stripatx.com secret show every Thursday high ceilings big laughs they've got it all over there and

We love you.

We are

doing fun things.

I'm all over the road.

Kiltoni.

Everything.

It's all happening, people.

We'll see you soon.

Love you.

Good night.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

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