#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 4 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Speaker 7 And that is D-Madness wearing his finest pajamas this evening. It is incredible.
He rolled right out of bed.

Speaker 12 Right out of bed to be here tonight.

Speaker 27 We are going to have so much goddamn fun.

Speaker 20 I can feel it in the air.

Speaker 29 Do you guys feel it?

Speaker 7 It feels like a hot crowd. I see a lot of goddamn Latinos out here hiding from ISIS right now.

Speaker 13 You cannot get deported at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club.

Speaker 31 It's impossible.

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Speaker 33 In fact, we're all going to give you, all we're going to give all the Latinos in the room a little hand stamp.

Speaker 21 To protect you since we're all part of the current administration of the United States of America now you will be protected as long as the hand stamp doesn't wash off.

Speaker 40 So you can't do any hard work for

Speaker 41 all right.

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Speaker 37 You guys ready to start tonight's show, huh?

Speaker 12 Wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 31 You guys are here for another legendary episode of the show.

Speaker 44 This is an incredible, incredible booking.

Speaker 60 My mind is blown at the fun that is about to happen.

Speaker 21 One of the guests is one of the most legendary guests in the history of the show, one of the most utilized guests and who I consider to be a king of New York City visiting.

Speaker 63 The other guest is one of the most legendary comedians of all time who's never been on the show before.

Speaker 62 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guests.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 66 Holy shit.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Bill Maher and Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 12 Bill Maher!

Speaker 12 Bill Maher!

Speaker 12 Big Jay Hokerson!

Speaker 12 Oh

Speaker 12 my gosh!

Speaker 12 How exciting is this?

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 69 Calm down.

Speaker 68 Calm down, people.

Speaker 69 I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little circus here.

Speaker 55 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 69 I'm a big fan of this show.

Speaker 34 You've never been on before, Bill.

Speaker 14 I've always wanted to book you.

Speaker 33 You're one of the few big comedians that I've never been able to have on.

Speaker 69 I love this show, though.

Speaker 3 What was your name again, Simon?

Speaker 31 I'm Tony.

Speaker 52 Why is the band so close to me?

Speaker 69 Tony, you know, I have a little rule to not have my back to black people.

Speaker 66 Oh, well, I'm kidding.

Speaker 27 You're all right.

Speaker 65 The one we're directly behind you is blind, so he doesn't know exactly where you are.

Speaker 22 I love my Sharia more, by the way.

Speaker 69 Great song.

Speaker 62 That's a Stevie Wonder. That's D-Madness.

Speaker 42 Those are two different blind black men.

Speaker 18 Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 22 I don't know all my blind people.

Speaker 75 I guess I'm a big asshole.

Speaker 30 Welcome, Bill. And Big J Okerson is back.

Speaker 20 Well, Bill Maher insists on promoting Kyle Dunnegan.com, who Kyle famously played RFK Jr.

Speaker 36 and is one of the great comedians in the world.

Speaker 69 He's my favorite.

Speaker 22 I love him.

Speaker 80 How did you and Kyle Dunnegan become so?

Speaker 69 I just am a huge fan of his comedy. You can go online and if you Google Kyle Dunnegan Pill Maher, you'll see what a huge fan I am.
I love it.

Speaker 81 And Kyle Dunagan is on tour right now, so make sure you get tickets at Kyle Dunagan.com.

Speaker 82 Big J has a brand new special out.

Speaker 76 Them, they is out now.

Speaker 76 Them is out now.

Speaker 59 They comes out in April, and that is on YouTube.

Speaker 2 YouTube.

Speaker 84 Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 71 Truly

Speaker 14 two of the best comedians working today.

Speaker 21 Big Jay, you've been on numerous times.

Speaker 80 We're so happy to have you back.

Speaker 86 I'm happy to be back, man.

Speaker 51 Austin, Texas, a bunch of fucking weirdos across the street at a bar, right?

Speaker 87 Yep.

Speaker 62 They are waiting.

Speaker 65 Over 200 lonely souls waiting, hoping, praying for the opportunity.

Speaker 21 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 36 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 61 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

Speaker 88 which interrupts their set.

Speaker 59 And then I conduct an interview.

Speaker 44 We all fucking try to help them out, find out more about them, find out what's interesting about their lives.

Speaker 91 The whole thing is improvised.

Speaker 93 Have you ever seen this show before, Bill?

Speaker 69 You know, I haven't, but I'm a huge fan of the.

Speaker 69 I see the clips, you know.

Speaker 75 I have a black hooker here who's a huge fan.

Speaker 69 She's waiting in the green room, so I have to make this kind of quick. She charges about a Bitcoin an hour, so I want to hurry it up.

Speaker 69 Well, plus, I'm actually a little

Speaker 55 high right now.

Speaker 69 A little, who am I kidding? I'm higher than a Sherpa pussy.

Speaker 52 You don't know Sherpas?

Speaker 52 They're in a high altitude.

Speaker 69 They bring fat people's stuff up Mount Everest.

Speaker 58 Wow, this is exactly how I've always expected Bill Maher to be.

Speaker 34 This is incredible.

Speaker 28 I can't believe Bill Maher is here.

Speaker 84 While we go wrangle that comedian, the first bucket pull from across the street, we have someone special here to start tonight's show.

Speaker 36 It has been a long time since we've seen this young man, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 64 A Kill Tony Hall of Famer,

Speaker 64 former

Speaker 35 regular.

Speaker 38 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words.

Speaker 12 This is Hans Kim.

Speaker 98 Hey, what's up, guys?

Speaker 99 Good to be here.

Speaker 98 I'm glad the election is over.

Speaker 72 That shit was horrible.

Speaker 98 Now the only campaign I have to worry about is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me.

Speaker 98 I, uh, you know, I can't wait for the grocery store prices to go down as soon as we're done kicking out all the people that grow our groceries for us.

Speaker 98 Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight.

Speaker 98 I don't get why Trump blames immigrants so much. How are they to blame? They just got here.

Speaker 98 They had no time to fuck anything up.

Speaker 101 These people who have been here a while, maybe they're the problem, huh?

Speaker 98 These fucking Native Americans.

Speaker 22 They had their turn.

Speaker 98 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 7 Exactly one minute. Oh, my God.

Speaker 78 Hans Kim.

Speaker 103 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 104 Back in front of everybody here.

Speaker 69 By the way, you didn't do the land acknowledgement. Don't you, TikTokers, like to do a land acknowledgement before the show?

Speaker 71 Wait, what does that mean?

Speaker 68 Well, he brought up the Indian people.

Speaker 69 You don't know about land acknowledgements?

Speaker 85 No.

Speaker 94 Come on.

Speaker 51 Yeah, you do. Every time you do a show, you're supposed to thank Indians for letting us do a show.

Speaker 52 You say this club was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapaca people or whatever.

Speaker 66 And then,

Speaker 69 you know,

Speaker 69 you go, you know, this is their land that we stole, and they are never

Speaker 69 getting it back.

Speaker 95 That's what you do. That's what TikTokers do.

Speaker 20 All right, band, relax.

Speaker 99 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 69 I found that offensive.

Speaker 55 The drums was a little much.

Speaker 62 It's wild.

Speaker 58 You got this place.

Speaker 69 I made a point, and then they made it offensive.

Speaker 65 Hans Kim.

Speaker 106 It has been a while.

Speaker 47 You're back.

Speaker 57 It was a solid minute.

Speaker 107 Big Jay, what do you think about this sweet boy?

Speaker 51 I haven't seen Hans in a while, and I will say

Speaker 51 he's getting too handsome for comedy.

Speaker 3 Whoa.

Speaker 105 Thank you.

Speaker 51 Yeah, success is looking good on him. He's fashionably mismatched.

Speaker 71 What?

Speaker 94 I mean, it's all autumn colors, but it's all of the autumn colors.

Speaker 51 Your hair is coming in nice. You look fantastic.

Speaker 109 Thank you, Big Jay.

Speaker 51 This is a compliment underneath all of it.

Speaker 17 I promise.

Speaker 68 You would make a beautiful woman.

Speaker 95 Have you said that before to him?

Speaker 23 Now he does.

Speaker 69 You want to go trance. Yeah.
That's what the kids are doing, you know.

Speaker 69 They just play go fish with their genitalia now.

Speaker 75 That's the big thing.

Speaker 55 They're going to go.

Speaker 51 Asian is the best starting point for a good trans move, though.

Speaker 41 Absolutely.

Speaker 3 Absolutely.

Speaker 51 I mean, thousands of dollars of electrolysis you don't have to spend.

Speaker 69 They're beautiful, man.

Speaker 85 You are very hairless, Hans.

Speaker 42 Is this true?

Speaker 98 Yes.

Speaker 101 I'm sleek.

Speaker 110 Yes.

Speaker 51 Aerodynamic like a dolphin, I'm guessing.

Speaker 14 Yeah, no doubt about it.

Speaker 104 What are your pubes like, Hans?

Speaker 98 Oh, they're a mess right now.

Speaker 111 Oh, I bet.

Speaker 112 They look like a pile of pad tie down there.

Speaker 98 They're Japanese porn level right now. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 It looks like you're.

Speaker 51 But they're pinned straight, right?

Speaker 98 Yeah, it's straight hair. It's amazing.

Speaker 23 Your Asian pubes are totally straight? Yeah. Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 63 That's incredible.

Speaker 68 Gets in the way.

Speaker 98 It overtakes my dick in like five months.

Speaker 67 Oh,

Speaker 63 that's because it's a keratin.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 62 And having the dick of a five-month-old.

Speaker 28 Do you ever decorate it since you can do things with your pubes?

Speaker 21 Do you ever do like haircuts or perhaps like a Big J Mohawk type of look or spiky?

Speaker 33 Ever put gel in it?

Speaker 98 I usually just go clean-shaven. I did the Hitler once as a joke.

Speaker 98 She was not on board. She's Jewish.

Speaker 75 Ah,

Speaker 71 indeed.

Speaker 98 It's like a Holocaust down there.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 51 If I was Asian, I would put a dragon condom on my wiener.

Speaker 51 When you unfroze, it's like one of those dragon costumes that 18 people get in.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, for the new year.

Speaker 28 Yeah. Have you ever done anything like that, Hans?

Speaker 102 Yeah, of course. Oh, of course.

Speaker 51 Maybe some lanterns. I'm just thinking out loud.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 106 Yeah, incredible.

Speaker 29 You ever do like the chopsticks thing down there or anything?

Speaker 44 Like a ponytail type thing?

Speaker 75 Why balls?

Speaker 100 I don't know.

Speaker 4 What else is going on in life, Hans?

Speaker 98 I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana, doing the little

Speaker 98 big Summit City Comedy Club.

Speaker 112 There was a guy there in a full Confederate flag track suit.

Speaker 22 Holy shit. That's custom.

Speaker 111 Yeah, where do you get that?

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 98 I thought it was a new Kanye merch.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 114 Either way you slice it, one of your people made it.

Speaker 78 Either they made it or they dry cleaned it, one or the other.

Speaker 115 We'll figure it out.

Speaker 51 A Confederate tracksuit sounds like something Kid Rock gives you if you get wet at his house.

Speaker 18 He's like, oh, dude, my clothes are soaking wet. He goes, that's cool.

Speaker 22 Go grab a Confederate tracksuit

Speaker 51 out of the guest closet.

Speaker 106 No doubt about it.

Speaker 34 You ever meet Kid Rock?

Speaker 3 Never. Talk Kid Walk.

Speaker 21 Well, Hans, anything else we should know about about before letting you go?

Speaker 98 I was on Dr. Phil Live, amazing show.
It was at Salt Lake City. Yeah.

Speaker 17 Talked about soaking a lot.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 28 What about soaking?

Speaker 98 Apparently you lay on the bed and then someone jumps up like a Tempur-Peda commercial.

Speaker 12 Shake the bed.

Speaker 98 Yeah, you can't move.

Speaker 98 Moving is fornication. It's against God, so you have to just put it in there.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Yeah. And then a third person jumps on the bed?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 94 I didn't know that part.

Speaker 28 Yeah, I've never heard of the jumping on the bed part either.

Speaker 98 That might have been a

Speaker 3 they sit there and shake the bed really hard to try to get you to fuck.

Speaker 51 Yeah, it doesn't necessarily matter what they're doing in the bed. It was the fact that there was other people in there facilitating the motions.

Speaker 49 That's wild.

Speaker 42 All right. You guys just talked about it.

Speaker 21 You didn't do it?

Speaker 98 No, we didn't have sex on stage.

Speaker 65 All right, Hans.

Speaker 22 Well, you got spoiler alert.

Speaker 23 I was going to watch.

Speaker 36 Hans, you got tonight's show started.

Speaker 21 It has begun. All thanks to you, the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 7 And now it has begun. And we go to the bucket, which has a mind of its own, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 108 Uh-oh,

Speaker 7 there she is, live in the flesh.

Speaker 21 The one and only Heidi.

Speaker 77 No, that's not the DEI I was hoping for.

Speaker 75 I might get him a little darker.

Speaker 15 All right.

Speaker 58 Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Gabriel Kerr, everyone.

Speaker 38 Here we go.

Speaker 20 Gabriel Kerr.

Speaker 103 I saw an ad on a porn site recently, and there's just a guy standing there by himself, completely naked, right?

Speaker 103 And he's got his dick in one hand.

Speaker 103 and a Pringles party stack can in the other.

Speaker 103 And they're the same size.

Speaker 103 So now I'm not watching porn, obviously. I'm googling how big that fucking Pringles can is.

Speaker 103 Save you guys the trouble.

Speaker 93 16 inches.

Speaker 116 It's a lot of fucking Pringles.

Speaker 17 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Do the math on that.

Speaker 103 That's two 8-inch dicks.

Speaker 47 That's two good dicks.

Speaker 103 I feel like you guys need a visual.

Speaker 103 I could stand here tonight with that Pringles can and fuck it.

Speaker 103 And then another guy with the same size dick as me

Speaker 103 could fuck the other side.

Speaker 103 And there'd still be a stack of Pringles in the center.

Speaker 103 And it'd be safe to eat.

Speaker 7 Gabriel Kerr.

Speaker 78 With a minute and some change.

Speaker 7 Welcome.

Speaker 21 It's been a long time.

Speaker 37 You've been on the show numerous times before.

Speaker 62 Welcome back, Gabriel.

Speaker 18 Thank you.

Speaker 92 It's been a long time.

Speaker 73 It's been like three years.

Speaker 117 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 57 That was a good set.

Speaker 103 Thank you.

Speaker 42 You've been working hard on your stand-up comedy?

Speaker 73 Yes.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 42 You still live here in Austin? I do.

Speaker 72 What do you do for work?

Speaker 49 Just this.

Speaker 103 You just do stand-up? Yeah, I had a rental property, but it's no longer a good business.

Speaker 114 It's no longer in business?

Speaker 49 A good business. Okay.
What happened to the business?

Speaker 114 Why is it no longer a good business?

Speaker 103 Because the fucking rates are through the goddamn roof.

Speaker 57 Interest rates? Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 106 So it's not profitable for you. Do you still have it?

Speaker 104 What are you doing with it?

Speaker 103 Breaking even.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 120 Hell yeah.

Speaker 78 This is like Mad Money with Jim Kramer, except

Speaker 62 very unprofitable version of the show.

Speaker 85 Incredible.

Speaker 2 So, Gabriel, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 49 Five years. Five years.
How old are you?

Speaker 94 41.

Speaker 113 And how do you make money doing this?

Speaker 103 I produce a couple shows in town. Okay.

Speaker 98 And they do good. They're weekly shows?

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 57 Guys, have you ever seen anything quite as adorable as Gabriel Kerr?

Speaker 51 Yeah, me.

Speaker 51 I want to hire this guy to go to malls with me and try on clothes so I don't have to be embarrassed first.

Speaker 51 Do I look good in this?

Speaker 51 Your set was very funny, but mostly I was thinking like, I guess I could pull off a white track suit.

Speaker 51 It's fun to find out. We look great, dude.

Speaker 119 Fuck the haters. We look great.

Speaker 110 Look at this.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 51 Over my hoodie.

Speaker 36 I know two guys that are going to fuck a Pringles can tonight together.

Speaker 122 Hey, man.

Speaker 51 I'll be honest with you. I could be another friend.

Speaker 51 And honestly, if my dick hits the Pringles, I'll eat the first few.

Speaker 51 Whatever comes out of my pre-jiz, I'll eat.

Speaker 20 Hell yeah.

Speaker 123 It says plain, but they taste like French onion.

Speaker 22 This is sour cream and bleach.

Speaker 1 Gabriel, what else is going on in your world, huh?

Speaker 27 What else is going on in life?

Speaker 103 I found out four months ago that I'm Jewish.

Speaker 51 Whoa, four months ago.

Speaker 92 Wow, how did you find this out four months ago?

Speaker 103 That's how good Jews are hiding there was

Speaker 103 there's one in here for 40 years but how did you find out uh my grandfather died and my grandmother told my dad that she's jewish and had been like hiding it from him her whole life

Speaker 72 wow yeah i kind of see it

Speaker 69 yeah there it is no doubt about it And you got the yarmulke on your head right now, too.

Speaker 69 You had to push it down a little.

Speaker 122 Are you happy about the news?

Speaker 51 I feel like you said it like you just got terrible news.

Speaker 103 Yeah, because I'm not. We're not making any money on my investment properties.

Speaker 87 What the fuck?

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Clearly, I'm not a good Jew.

Speaker 51 So like 23 of me called and they wouldn't give you the results. They were like, no, you got to come in.

Speaker 72 What?

Speaker 17 I just want to know, am I Irish or what?

Speaker 51 He goes, we just need you to come to the office, please.

Speaker 51 We've got terrible news for you.

Speaker 51 Put your house in order. You're Jewish.

Speaker 18 My goodness.

Speaker 57 This is incredible so you found out four months ago did your grandpa leave you money

Speaker 119 no

Speaker 119 I thought he was Jewish yeah he took it with him

Speaker 22 to the grave

Speaker 96 wow

Speaker 77 absolutely incredible uh you still have you still like have like this crazy love life I kind of remember right like threesomes or cockery or something right

Speaker 89 remind us what was it again my wife and I fuck other women your wife and you fuck other women are you guys still doing that yeah and that's working Yeah.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 103 Works great for me.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 126 And when's the last time you did that?

Speaker 103 Six months ago.

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 39 Is it Reddit that you find these people?

Speaker 44 No, there's

Speaker 103 apps just for that.

Speaker 51 Really? They are called.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Redman wants to know so that he can nuclear catfish a couple.

Speaker 20 I'll just be in the kitchen.

Speaker 38 You guys do your thing.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 51 What he's trying to say politely, Tony, is these girls are fat.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Is it true, the bigger girls?

Speaker 69 No. Do you ever do the pegging thing? Have you ever tried that?

Speaker 3 No, I have a dick.

Speaker 72 Well, you have what?

Speaker 103 I have a dick.

Speaker 94 You can still get pegged.

Speaker 68 I have a butt plug in right now in about a half hour. No, it's, oh, oh, like, Bill Maher is the only one keeping the butt plug industry alive.
A lot of people do it.

Speaker 51 There's a plaque prostitute in the green room controlling it from her phone right now.

Speaker 68 Oh, God, you'll get right.

Speaker 69 I'm going to have a prostate orgasm in a few minutes.

Speaker 69 And I am a squirter.

Speaker 115 I love it.

Speaker 38 Gabriel, you already have a big joke book, right?

Speaker 58 There he goes.

Speaker 7 Gabriel Kerr, ladies and gentlemen, on to the next one. we go.

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Speaker 86 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 128 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 96 He's going the distance.

Speaker 129 He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 50 When it started to change, it was quick. He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.
Now, Charlie's sober. He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 128 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 50 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 128 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 129 Somebody call action.

Speaker 130 Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 7 We're in for a treat.

Speaker 21 This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest door guys here at the mothership and one of the funniest of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 30 This is a good, fun

Speaker 14 chance for the world to get to see.

Speaker 38 And I don't know what kind of minute he's going to do, but this is one of our favorite up-and-coming young comedians.

Speaker 9 Make some noise for the great and powerful Miles Johnson, everybody.

Speaker 9 Hello.

Speaker 131 This is an impression of a guy who's trying to be threatening, but he forgot his gun.

Speaker 131 Are we gonna have a fucking problem here, pal?

Speaker 52 You wanna to take it here, dip shit?

Speaker 11 Shit like that.

Speaker 131 I've been jerking my dick crazy.

Speaker 131 I've been watching these J-O-I videos. Have you guys seen these?

Speaker 66 J-O-I? Yeah?

Speaker 131 Alright, a lot of guys playing Ray Charles right now. That's all right.

Speaker 17 That's all good.

Speaker 131 It's cool. It's always white ladies, though.
I noticed. It's always white ladies in the J-O-I videos.

Speaker 131 Short for jerk-off instruction, by the way.

Speaker 131 For cowards and women, it's short for jerk-off instruction.

Speaker 132 Can I finish it?

Speaker 118 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 131 I think it's always white ladies in the J-O-I videos. I think it'd be cool if it was an old black lady.

Speaker 131 Go ahead and beat your dick off now, baby. Come on, now.

Speaker 3 Mm-hmm, come on, baby.

Speaker 116 You're doing all this J-O-I.

Speaker 20 you need to get a J-O-B. That's what you need to get.

Speaker 20 You nasty ass little freaky dicky ass mother.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 79 Miles motherfucking Johnson, everybody.

Speaker 131 Thank you.

Speaker 77 Yeah, absolutely incredible.

Speaker 62 What you see is what you get.

Speaker 90 Miles is hilarious and a very, very nice boy.

Speaker 72 Thanks.

Speaker 106 Yeah, he's a nice guy.

Speaker 131 Yeah, I'm kind of,

Speaker 131 yeah, I'm kind of like that.

Speaker 66 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 27 as much as I like you, Miles.

Speaker 117 I know almost nothing about you.

Speaker 106 You've worked here for a couple years and we've all been doing comedy together.

Speaker 114 You're very, very funny.

Speaker 123 And so tell us, what's up? What do you do when you're not doing stand-up and or working here?

Speaker 131 Usually I'm hanging with my bitch.

Speaker 58 I wish I could do impressions of a black guy like you do.

Speaker 45 What do you mean? What do you mean?

Speaker 76 I mean,

Speaker 20 I do it.

Speaker 3 Everybody's like, whoa.

Speaker 47 I think it's cool. Go for it.

Speaker 47 Oh, I'm so black.

Speaker 134 What is that?

Speaker 135 Is that you?

Speaker 79 What's going on back there?

Speaker 79 Oh, I'm so black.

Speaker 102 John.

Speaker 21 John, you having your own sound effects is becoming an immediate...

Speaker 108 What do you mean it is?

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 17 Oh, I'm so black.

Speaker 20 That is me.

Speaker 18 That is me.

Speaker 7 That's from

Speaker 12 the British black rapper.

Speaker 19 Turned out he was like a famous rapper, by the way.

Speaker 119 Guy in the front row.

Speaker 30 Oh, I'm so black.

Speaker 94 It's time for some rap music.

Speaker 62 And that beat dropped and it's like a historical moment in the history of this show.

Speaker 51 White guys were dancing.

Speaker 111 Whoa.

Speaker 114 Miles, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

Speaker 22 Other than your face and hair.

Speaker 131 Probably my skin and then...

Speaker 51 He's throwing you the lob to say dick.

Speaker 97 Oh, God.

Speaker 31 Let's just take the body out of it.

Speaker 32 Let's just take the skin and body out of it.

Speaker 121 What are you?

Speaker 44 Are you like a point guard or something like that?

Speaker 131 Yeah, I can play the one and the five

Speaker 131 basketball joke.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Miles has to, you got to give context to your things before you say them. They didn't get that basketball reference.
When you said J-O-I,

Speaker 51 I knew what you meant, but I'm a piece of shit.

Speaker 51 And a lot of the crowd didn't, but it is a weird way when you give, it's too common for you. That's more the thing you worry about when you say things like that.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Like I was giving a girl a, you know, a French toaster the other day, and just moving on from it without explaining that.

Speaker 44 You're like, you guys never heard of that before?

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Jerk off instruction. Is that your jam?

Speaker 131 Well, I've been, I mean, I've been watching them. I never learned how.

Speaker 3 I didn't have a

Speaker 3 fucking dad.

Speaker 38 It's funny that you think that's what dads do.

Speaker 51 Yeah, is that what I was going to say? Is that what black people think dads do?

Speaker 136 I didn't have a fucking dad.

Speaker 45 I never thought I got learned how to jerk off.

Speaker 122 So your mom had to be your mom and your dad.

Speaker 131 It's tough, dude. I was trying that shit.

Speaker 71 Hell yeah.

Speaker 38 Rubbing the old clit.

Speaker 75 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Rub it till it feels good.

Speaker 131 Mom, this shit doesn't fucking work, mom.

Speaker 131 I'm being so nasty right now.

Speaker 62 Just rubbing the old Cryptorus.

Speaker 33 Miles, what else?

Speaker 123 Any other hobbies or fun things that you're into?

Speaker 39 You seem like the kind of guy that,

Speaker 117 you know,

Speaker 80 chess club or something like that.

Speaker 72 Chess club, bro. The fuck?

Speaker 131 That looks swole as fuck.

Speaker 131 No, I mean, I mean, I like, I meditate and shit.

Speaker 132 It's not funny.

Speaker 131 It's badass. I like meditate and meditate.

Speaker 77 Did you get into that in prison or something something like that?

Speaker 12 Normally.

Speaker 131 Yeah. I used to be a black disciple and then.

Speaker 137 I don't know. I tried to riff.

Speaker 72 I don't know how to do it.

Speaker 85 You're good. You're not.

Speaker 75 I like this guy.

Speaker 69 You do? Do you have a younger sister or niece

Speaker 22 asking for a friend?

Speaker 131 I do, but why? Do you want to.

Speaker 69 Nothing, never mind.

Speaker 66 You want to tell her a little bit.

Speaker 69 I'm my black hooker to hear anyway.

Speaker 3 Let's move on.

Speaker 3 Bill Maher.

Speaker 123 Bill Maher likes black women.

Speaker 22 Yeah, you can Google it.

Speaker 69 Yeah. It's well known.

Speaker 93 It is.

Speaker 69 Everyone, you know, likes their thing.

Speaker 131 Would you fuck Wendy Williams?

Speaker 119 Absolutely.

Speaker 131 That's badass.

Speaker 69 I would fuck Cantana Brown Jackson. Okay.

Speaker 52 This audience doesn't know who that is.

Speaker 69 That's why you didn't laugh.

Speaker 36 Miles, Miles, Miles.

Speaker 44 You are incredible. You are fantastic.

Speaker 28 You've done it again.

Speaker 138 Miles, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 71 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 You already have one of these?

Speaker 31 You don't? There it is. Boom.

Speaker 27 Big joke book for Miles Johnson.

Speaker 7 And the show continues.

Speaker 38 And your next bucket pull goes by the name of Eve Ellenbogan. Eve Ellenbogen.

Speaker 38 Make some noise for Eve, everybody.

Speaker 139 Hi.

Speaker 139 I'm Eve. I moved here to Austin like a year ago from New York, which makes me better than everybody.
And I don't really blend in very well in Austin.

Speaker 139 People tell me that, that I have like a real New York vibe, which I think is them being like, you're such a fucking Jew. You're such a dirty little Jew.
And I'm like, I know, spit on me. Make me come.

Speaker 139 Any other Jews allowed in here?

Speaker 71 Yeah,

Speaker 44 in the back.

Speaker 139 I'm not

Speaker 139 a religious Jew. I'm just a New York Jew, which is like Jewish, but just for business purposes only.

Speaker 139 So I don't follow the Jew rules. I eat bacon.

Speaker 87 I love, love foreskin.

Speaker 141 Just,

Speaker 139 you know, together is the best way on a bagel.

Speaker 139 It's like a sandwich, you know, it's like a BFT, right? Like bacon, foreskin, tears.

Speaker 139 Living in Austin has changed me a little bit.

Speaker 139 I never used to say retarded, but now I say retarded.

Speaker 139 In New York, we don't say that. We're better.
But then I moved to Texas, and almost everyone is retarded.

Speaker 22 Boom, there you go.

Speaker 27 Everyone is retarded.

Speaker 67 Eve Ellen Bogan, Bill Marr.

Speaker 102 Well,

Speaker 69 you're, now that you're in Texas, you seem to be a bit of a floozy.

Speaker 119 Nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 69 But I have a bit of advice for you. Yeah.

Speaker 69 Do you know what a Mexican abortion is?

Speaker 97 No.

Speaker 44 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 69 Well, you're inevitably going to get pregnant, okay? And

Speaker 69 when you get knocked up by a child,

Speaker 73 to get a Mexican abortion, you get knocked up by

Speaker 73 a Mexican, and then ICE will get rid of the baby for you.

Speaker 69 It just makes the whole process easier.

Speaker 97 Cool, that's a good tip.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 22 I try to help.

Speaker 139 And I guess it's like free, which is like a Jew thing.

Speaker 110 Exactly. Yeah, so that's good.

Speaker 139 You guys don't like the Jew jokes.

Speaker 87 I don't think we like Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 51 It's the vibe I got when you said I'm Jewish, and one guy wooed, and then someone shut him down.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 105 He was like, woo, and somebody went,

Speaker 34 Welcome, Eve.

Speaker 89 This is your first time on the show. Yeah.

Speaker 81 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 139 12 years.

Speaker 49 12

Speaker 22 years.

Speaker 10 Almost all of that in New York?

Speaker 139 No.

Speaker 139 I started when I lived in Korea. I lived in South Korea.

Speaker 134 You lived in South Korea.

Speaker 37 I can kind of see that with the haircut.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 121 Very South Korean haircut.

Speaker 32 Hans Kim was up here with the exact same hairstyle just minutes ago.

Speaker 139 The first time I met Hans, I spoke to him in Korean and he got hard.

Speaker 110 It was like,

Speaker 139 I think it was like because it reminded him of his mom. you know, so it was like.

Speaker 14 Did you see his dick come out of his pubes?

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 47 it's hard.

Speaker 139 You really got to spread them.

Speaker 113 Why were you in Korea?

Speaker 139 I spent my 20s teaching English in Korea. I'm 40 now.
What made you want to do that? I just didn't want to have like a normal, I just didn't want to be in the U.S.

Speaker 72 So I

Speaker 3 was going on, yeah.

Speaker 139 Well, I guess I grew up and I knew that I would leave.

Speaker 139 My mom died when I was a kid and I was like, I got to to get out of here.

Speaker 24 How old were you when your mom died?

Speaker 139 Stop trying to fuck me, Jay.

Speaker 139 I was seven when she died.

Speaker 3 How did she die?

Speaker 139 She died from a brain tumor.

Speaker 99 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 22 Wow.

Speaker 51 Shut up, brain tubers.

Speaker 139 Does that like make me like, does that make me kind of like retard it? Like,

Speaker 23 seven is such

Speaker 58 a wild age to have that happen.

Speaker 29 Wait, did she like explain to you what was happening?

Speaker 139 She, no, she was very sick from when I was like five. You guys want to hear this, right? Yeah.
When I was like five, she's stopping him. She was like a lawyer.
She's very smart. All this stuff.

Speaker 139 Fuck you, Red Band.

Speaker 3 And then she.

Speaker 22 Bill Barr's jerking off.

Speaker 105 It's the butt bug.

Speaker 16 And then

Speaker 14 she was very sick from when you were five.

Speaker 139 Yeah, so I can't tell you with this music. You can't.

Speaker 56 It's so cute.

Speaker 20 Trust me, the music makes it.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 139 So then she couldn't speak anymore. She was like, and she wasn't really kind of there anymore.
And so she didn't tell. I knew from other people, but you don't really get it.

Speaker 124 So there was a period of time when you're in kindergarten, learning words and colors and everything.

Speaker 139 I was like learning how to spell my name.

Speaker 28 And meanwhile, your mom was...

Speaker 21 unlearning how to misspell her name at the same time.

Speaker 59 So you got to pass up your mom in real time.

Speaker 139 You know what? I never thought.

Speaker 110 Speaking of real time, Bill Maher is here here

Speaker 7 every Tuesday.

Speaker 139 I never thought of it, but you're right. She was very smart, and for a period of time, I was smarter.

Speaker 22 That's thank you, Tony.

Speaker 22 You moved to Korea because you wore the triadal.

Speaker 122 That's

Speaker 51 low-risk anal.

Speaker 87 Low-main anal.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 71 Hello.

Speaker 135 Hello, hello.

Speaker 105 Hello, hello.

Speaker 135 Low-banal?

Speaker 33 Mom says goodbye, and you say hello.

Speaker 42 Mom says goodbye and I say hello.

Speaker 71 Hello, hello.

Speaker 38 Your mom is looking up at us right now, laughing.

Speaker 115 I'm kidding.

Speaker 5 She's looking up. I'm kidding.

Speaker 99 She's not in hell. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Speaker 98 She's in heaven.

Speaker 19 Was she Jewish, too? She's Jewish.

Speaker 21 She's looking up at us right now.

Speaker 62 I love it. What's dad like?

Speaker 139 My dad is turning 90 next month.

Speaker 34 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 20 Look at this guy putting your mom to shame in years it's incredible

Speaker 51 what a dream that guy 40 years of being single without having to go through divorce or nothing dude incredible

Speaker 139 uh he's he's um he's very funny that's like where it's you know our whole family kind of gets from my dad he always james um mckann was is like we love a friend of mine and he loves a joke that my dad told him yeah which i hate let's hear it it was just a quick thing and i was like um

Speaker 139 you know his voice was going and he goes sorry, I'm a little horse. I'm a pony.
And that's the one.

Speaker 62 Wow, that is a wacky joke.

Speaker 139 James will say it.

Speaker 3 He'll be like, I'm a little horse.

Speaker 110 I'm a pony.

Speaker 139 Because my dad has a fun, Jewy way of saying it.

Speaker 51 I wish he was going to say an Edward joke or something.

Speaker 97 No, no, no.

Speaker 139 No, he doesn't have any race jokes, but there's so many sex jokes. And I have to.
be like, stop.

Speaker 139 You're 90. I don't want to know you this way.
I love it.

Speaker 22 That's what I tell him.

Speaker 112 He's retired, obviously.

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 22 What did he do for work?

Speaker 139 He did a bunch of things, like first in math stuff, then he owned a little publishing company, then he went to art dealing and then controlling the media.

Speaker 75 Absolutely.

Speaker 51 He just did the tour of Jewish work.

Speaker 22 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 97 Now he's just running the banks.

Speaker 78 And to think, Gabriel found out he was Jewish only four months ago.

Speaker 30 He only had a dad like yours.

Speaker 2 I love it, Eve.

Speaker 78 So that's fun.

Speaker 42 So now you live in Austin for the last year.

Speaker 139 Yeah, I live in Austin.

Speaker 123 East Austin?

Speaker 3 No, I live. Why?

Speaker 139 Because my hair?

Speaker 31 Yeah. Is that why?

Speaker 139 So my hair, my bangs are not usually this severe. I did like a taping the other day.

Speaker 58 What happened? Did you? D-madness.

Speaker 12 Have you been giving free bang cuts lately?

Speaker 51 That definitely feels like a boyfriend cheated.

Speaker 18 She did it herself on a few years.

Speaker 5 I did my treatment.

Speaker 51 Is this your Trump's in office? No, I don't want to fuck guys or you're not.

Speaker 144 Spirit. No.

Speaker 139 No, it's like, it's the end of the world. I'm so horny all the time.
But no,

Speaker 139 I did a little taping thing on Friday

Speaker 139 and I panicked because I get anxious. And so I was like on the phone just cutting my bangs.
And then I went, I think I did okay. And then it

Speaker 139 doesn't look that great. But it'll grow in.
That's what you learn when you have bangs.

Speaker 51 It's crazy to do alone yourself and super crazy to do while on the phone.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 139 You have like one-handed.

Speaker 139 It was, yeah, it was crazy. Like I was, I was like, I'm in a moment.
You know, when you're in a moment and you're like, this is, it's this or cut myself. And I did the bangs.

Speaker 139 Did you think about putting it on speakerphone and setting the phone down I was I know I was like in a moment it was like I have to do this right now she's trying to live on the edge it's the one step between this and suicide you don't have

Speaker 139 it is you don't have anxiety like I don't really get crazy anxiety but when I get it it's like a full like I'm not here right now

Speaker 17 Are you on medicine for that? No. Okay.

Speaker 59 How do you handle it?

Speaker 139 What do you, what are your, I cut my bangs.

Speaker 93 That's one way to do it.

Speaker 44 You're a cutter.

Speaker 58 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 139 I just, I mean, I journal.

Speaker 139 I do a little yoga. No, I don't know.
I just fucking panic.

Speaker 51 Yell at me ears a lot. You should be better.

Speaker 137 You busy.

Speaker 139 No, if I talk to the mirror, listen, I'm like a real basic bitch in some ways. If I talk to the mirror, I'm like, you're doing great.
Like, that's what I take to the mirror.

Speaker 139 And then I'm like, you just cut those bangs. And then I have to deal with you being like, what's going on?

Speaker 79 Well, everybody's thinking it. I know.

Speaker 20 You just happened to sign up for my shit.

Speaker 139 I know. It was.

Speaker 20 If you were on politically incorrect, Bill Maher would literally be asking you about those bangs.

Speaker 139 So, listen, it's fair. It's fair.
There's a picture of me as a kid where I did the exact same thing, but that was because my mother was dead.

Speaker 44 And oh,

Speaker 30 you feel so bad.

Speaker 58 You're so sad about it.

Speaker 22 I love your bangs.

Speaker 97 It's very three stoogies.

Speaker 146 Thanks for my bags.

Speaker 138 Oh, it's like you're looking over a fence upside down at me.

Speaker 139 It has to do with how I feel in the moment. Sometimes my bangs look great.
Right now, you know, I'm getting it together.

Speaker 22 That's how I feel.

Speaker 51 I'll tell you what, the answer to the question, why are your bangs like that,

Speaker 51 it just brings up more questions. So it's like, hey, why are your bangs like that?

Speaker 119 You go, I was on the phone.

Speaker 51 And you just keep moving on.

Speaker 22 They're going to be like, that's.

Speaker 139 Well, I was coping, is what I'm trying to say. I was coping with my hair.
That's like, that's better than a lot of things. I don't really drink, right?

Speaker 33 I'm better than all of you.

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 56 There you go.

Speaker 17 You don't drink, but

Speaker 22 you end up with a drunken haircut.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 18 I'd say knock a few back and go hit a salon, you know?

Speaker 31 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 139 It'll, it'll grow in. I got them cut like a month ago, and then they grow in faster than the rest of the hair.

Speaker 112 So I love it.

Speaker 65 Yeah. I love it.

Speaker 92 It's awesome.

Speaker 76 Eve Ellen Bogan.

Speaker 21 Welcome to the Kiltoni universe.

Speaker 7 There's a big joke book. Eve, I'd love to have you on the secret show.

Speaker 67 Oh, look at that.

Speaker 7 And here you go. You just saw somebody get booked for a real show.

Speaker 148 Packages by Expedia.

Speaker 148 You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 148 We were made to easily bundle your trip. Expedia.
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Speaker 48 Good night, itchy eyes. Good night, sudden sneeze.
Good night to your symptoms of allergies. Xyzol is the allergy medicine you take before bed.
It provides powerful relief while you rest your head.

Speaker 48 Not just all night, but all the next day. Xyzole keeps working, keeping allergies at bay.

Speaker 48 And without those annoying symptoms disturbing your rest, you can wake up the next morning feeling your absolute best. Remember, be wise all.
Take Zyzole at night.

Speaker 20 Anything could happen here. Your next comedian.

Speaker 41 Ooh la la.

Speaker 20 Your next comedian goes by the name of Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody.

Speaker 38 Or Sharon Ruth Hensley, everyone.

Speaker 20 Make some noise for Sharon, everybody.

Speaker 141 Good evening, Kill Tony people.

Speaker 141 I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I am deeply disappointed that I have aged out of being a sugar baby.

Speaker 141 Had I known all the ways life was not going to work out for me, I'd have been cool with being kept.

Speaker 141 Now, all the men who can afford me want teenagers,

Speaker 141 which is super stupid. I passed the peri part of menopause a while ago.
You're not going to knock me up. I can't sue you for child support.

Speaker 141 I will understand your 80s references because I was alive then.

Speaker 141 But that's okay. Keep playing in the kiddie pool.

Speaker 141 Did y'all know? There's a bunch of dudes out there paying big bucks for sweaty socks. I wear nine and a half and have hyperhidrosis.
Someone should have told me sooner.

Speaker 141 I'm going to be able to keep myself. Thank you.

Speaker 34 Okay. Sharon Ruth Hensley.

Speaker 20 I don't think I've ever been softer in my life.

Speaker 95 This is incredible.

Speaker 20 Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 51 I thought at any given moment she was going to tear her clothes off and have Furry's murder written on her body or something.

Speaker 41 Furry's murder.

Speaker 137 I'm using your platform.

Speaker 141 I'm from Texas, so I'm a carnivore.

Speaker 15 Wow, you're from Texas. Yeah.

Speaker 57 My goodness, what part?

Speaker 141 I refer to it as the cesspool. Y'all know it is San Antonio.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 140 Incredible. You have real, like, liberal, hippie vibes.

Speaker 132 Nope, sorry.

Speaker 15 I know, don't apologize to me.

Speaker 33 I fucking hate those people.

Speaker 19 It's incredible that you

Speaker 141 can kill my own deer and hang it up and gut it and skin it and cook all the good parts.

Speaker 7 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 141 My uncle was a career Marine Scout sniper and he trained me on a ranch in Fredericksburg.

Speaker 69 I'm starting to chub up.

Speaker 17 This is getting better.

Speaker 52 Okay, what else?

Speaker 141 I'm probably one of the few people that you know that has shot somebody.

Speaker 62 Oh, tell us about that.

Speaker 63 This is incredible.

Speaker 125 Little Dick Cheney situation here.

Speaker 141 No, um Bear County jail let a prisoner out on work release and didn't bother to check to see if he had a job So he took a VA bus to my house and cut my phone and electricity and got himself shot So a guy cut your phone and electricity he specifically told me it was so I couldn't call for help

Speaker 59 Well, how okay, let's just take it one step at a time You kind of went Tarantino style there.

Speaker 38 You went the beginning and the end.

Speaker 115 Now we need to figure out that whole fucking middle part where you find out that your phone and your electricity is cut.

Speaker 22 I murdered a felon. I'll see you guys later.

Speaker 69 Were you going to cut your hair and call? Or were you just going to...

Speaker 141 No, I'm old, so it was before I had a cell phone.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 134 So, okay, so take us through it.

Speaker 27 You notice your electricity's out, right?

Speaker 133 Is that the case?

Speaker 141 Well, no, he was outside trying to get in.

Speaker 22 Okay, knocking.

Speaker 28 Was he knocking on your door?

Speaker 141 Banging on the door. The front doorknob had been broken off.

Speaker 28 And he still couldn't get in?

Speaker 141 Um, at first, yeah.

Speaker 134 So, why would he go and then cut your electricity and your phone?

Speaker 141 Um, I guess so the cops didn't get there before he could get in.

Speaker 119 Did he do that before breaking through your door?

Speaker 141 I'm not sure what the time frame on which particular criminal activity is.

Speaker 18 We're jumping around here.

Speaker 88 So, you're you standing there with the gun in your hand?

Speaker 28 You're by yourself on the other side of the door waiting for it to open so that you can shoot us.

Speaker 141 Trained, one, be prepared. Two, if you have the gun out, you have to use it.

Speaker 149 Three, if you use it, you empty it.

Speaker 32 Let's go back to the question that I specifically asked.

Speaker 57 It's a pretty simple question.

Speaker 78 Pretend like you don't know the story, like

Speaker 38 the people here and the people watching at home.

Speaker 37 So the person's trying to kick down your door.

Speaker 28 You're on the other side of the door.

Speaker 133 Yes. With a gun.

Speaker 62 Yes.

Speaker 78 Are you standing there?

Speaker 104 Yes. With it pointed at the door.

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 23 Are you saying anything back to him while there's a hole hole in the door, Big Jay?

Speaker 51 I feel like she's going to be practicing lines. She's going to say, You just fucked with the wrong bull.

Speaker 22 No.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 137 No, I mean, you better go checkmate, motherfucker.

Speaker 100 No.

Speaker 141 Just because of.

Speaker 18 Oh, your lights are going out.

Speaker 4 We found it. That's why we do these sessions.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 10 You're about to make a long-distance call to heaven.

Speaker 84 My uncle was a sniper

Speaker 17 we doing twin desert eagles under the fucking things what'd you pull this guy

Speaker 144 357 with hollow points wow oh my god take it easy cunt eastwood all right this is incredible

Speaker 38 oh my god i thought you i thought your pussy was dirty and hairy but i didn't realize you're dirty hairy

Speaker 22 see the reference there folks that's a

Speaker 36 good yoni's not even smiling All right.

Speaker 126 Incredible, a 357 Magnum

Speaker 64 with hollow points.

Speaker 141 Well, the sad thing is...

Speaker 51 He was white.

Speaker 141 No!

Speaker 5 The dude, the dude was a marathon runner.

Speaker 141 Dude was a what? He was a marathon runner, so he was really muscular, but he was really thin. So the bullets just went straight in and out.
They didn't have a time to expand.

Speaker 64 Hilarious.

Speaker 100 Oh, my God.

Speaker 20 This is some real Texas shit.

Speaker 100 Wow.

Speaker 34 Well, the funny thing is

Speaker 32 people in California and New York are like, what?

Speaker 47 The bullets didn't have time to expand?

Speaker 22 Wow. So a marathon runner.

Speaker 49 And by that, we have figured out the race of the man.

Speaker 79 Am I correct?

Speaker 141 No, he's very Mexican.

Speaker 17 Oh, Mexican. Wow.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 72 So you had to aim low.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Incredible.

Speaker 51 My face is up here, Juan.

Speaker 141 It was Miguel, but yes.

Speaker 63 Ah.

Speaker 84 Did you kill him?

Speaker 141 I tried.

Speaker 12 Aw.

Speaker 17 What happened?

Speaker 51 Hey, as long as you did your best, kiddo,

Speaker 70 we're still going to go to Pizza Hut.

Speaker 74 We'll still go to Pizza Hut.

Speaker 67 I am hungry.

Speaker 32 The fact that he's Mexican does does make the catchphrases that she could have said to him a lot better.

Speaker 124 Did somebody order the Migas tacos?

Speaker 18 Live, boss.

Speaker 119 Hey, Pedro, the wall's that way.

Speaker 51 Damn. It does make it better.

Speaker 125 For whom does the taco bell toll?

Speaker 141 I like that one.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 77 Incredible. So you didn't kill him?

Speaker 37 No. How many times was he shot?

Speaker 73 Three.

Speaker 23 Three times, and he survived.

Speaker 76 God damn.

Speaker 21 This must be one of Big Mike's relatives.

Speaker 56 Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Speaker 51 En Español?

Speaker 44 What? Shoulder-o?

Speaker 141 Neck, chest, and shoulder. The shoulder was my offshot.

Speaker 29 Did any of these ricochet off of his saxophone?

Speaker 30 How Mexican was this guy exactly?

Speaker 141 They went into the floor and the wall behind them.

Speaker 51 Did your bullet hit the string of bullets that he had crossing over his

Speaker 51 And then the one that was smoking from the hole in his 10-gallon hat.

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 12 My goodness.

Speaker 141 He was in the hospital for a month because when I hit the shoulder, that's actually what almost killed him.

Speaker 3 I hit an artery.

Speaker 132 Nice.

Speaker 141 And

Speaker 141 he had to have

Speaker 141 several surgeries, and he still doesn't have full use of his arm, which he blames on me. So he's been looking to kill me since then.

Speaker 22 Oh, wow.

Speaker 3 Bueno.

Speaker 59 No bueno at all.

Speaker 30 Do you know what he does for work?

Speaker 20 Is he the old?

Speaker 3 He's disabled.

Speaker 44 Uh-huh.

Speaker 102 Right.

Speaker 20 Is he a citizen? Is he a legal citizen?

Speaker 141 I enabled him to collect a check from the government for the rest of his life.

Speaker 33 Really?

Speaker 42 Isn't that interesting?

Speaker 113 If an illegal immigrant committing an illegal crime gets shot by a legal American, they automatically get money forever.

Speaker 141 No, he actually is from here.

Speaker 87 Oh, wow, in that case, huh?

Speaker 144 God damn it.

Speaker 99 We'll see about that.

Speaker 21 I'm going to talk to my friends in the administration.

Speaker 141 I would appreciate that.

Speaker 18 Absolutely.

Speaker 23 Was it his right arm?

Speaker 104 His favorite hand.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 51 So you live life constantly looking over your shoulder.

Speaker 73 That's chill. Pretty much.

Speaker 141 Yeah. The first time I did a show, they wanted to promote it, and I was so used to being in hiding.
Like, I talked to my therapist, and I was like, what do you think I should do?

Speaker 141 Like, if I'm going to be in this and take it seriously, I'm going to have have to promote. What do I do? And she goes, I don't think you're ever gonna feel safe anywhere.

Speaker 141 So I told the promoter, I was like, Go ahead.

Speaker 141 And then I told them, I was like, Well, you know what? If he's gonna kill me, he's gonna have to make a big show of it. You know, like, I'm real good at seeing if somebody's tailing me or anything.

Speaker 51 So I've never wished more that I had a laser pointer to just quietly.

Speaker 105 Dude, dude, dude.

Speaker 74 Revenge is a bitch.

Speaker 8 The good news is...

Speaker 5 You should have killed me, bitch.

Speaker 5 I still got one good arm, you fucking whore.

Speaker 122 They went right through my skinny body.

Speaker 138 Have you thought about having a stage name or not wearing your glasses or something like that?

Speaker 22 Yeah, that'll really throw him off, Red Bay.

Speaker 72 Which?

Speaker 74 Hey, I would kill you, but I don't think it's the right beach, dude.

Speaker 141 We talked about it like the first time I signed up for an open mic, I put TBD, like to be determined, and I was like, say Tabiti, like it's foreign.

Speaker 141 And people thought I was really cute. They wanted me to keep it, but then I was like, I'm also a writer, and I've already been published under Sharon Ruth Hensley.

Speaker 141 And everybody was like, just for professional purposes, you just need to streamline it and have both.

Speaker 51 Do you think maybe you should get a dog instead of all those cats?

Speaker 141 I travel too much.

Speaker 33 You don't have cats, right?

Speaker 42 No. But it's amazing because you seem like you do.

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 13 But instead, you fucking keep it in the city.

Speaker 141 My last dog was a Rottweiler German Shepherd mix.

Speaker 44 Oh,

Speaker 44 hey, Jews.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 51 That tracks.

Speaker 133 Incredible.

Speaker 94 Boy, you cannot judge a book by its cover here in Texas because you seem like you would just be one of the worst people.

Speaker 134 It's incredible. Wait, let's see.

Speaker 81 Red Band has a good point.

Speaker 28 We want to see, you seem like you could be one of those secret hot chicks.

Speaker 115 Look out there, and would you mind taking off your glasses and kind of like frilling your hair like that real quick just out of our own curiosity can you look that way

Speaker 67 whoa

Speaker 67 whoa

Speaker 64 i think i have a 357 in my pants now we've come full circle here are you circumcised what jesus i'm kidding lady

Speaker 141 I prefer uncircumcised because they're really good at doing my favoritest thing ever. Like an excellent...
My favorite what? My favoritest thing ever.

Speaker 141 an excellent impersonation of those tubes filled with water and glitter and stuff you know like now you see it now you don't now you see it

Speaker 74 now you don't

Speaker 141 yeah i got it now finish the next i love an uncircumcised penis you have the thickest white accent i've ever heard it's literally i can't understand you i know like my whole life people are always like where are you from they always think i'm from up north yeah it seems like you do you seem like a wacky canadian i don't know what happened she doesn't do a lot of talking she lets the get home yeah

Speaker 111 all right well

Speaker 141 Sharon Ruth Hensley any relation to Hunter Hearst no oh I know but I do love wrestling absolutely the interview while absolutely incredible

Speaker 62 you know the set was that set you are leaving here don't kill me with a little joke book

Speaker 83 Is that a gasp from you guys you want me to give her a big joke book?

Speaker 17 All right.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 7 Jesus, I've never heard the whole audience go, aww, at once like that.

Speaker 14 This is a true democracy here in America. There's a big joke book for you.

Speaker 9 You catch like a cat, lady.

Speaker 132 I never said I was sporty.

Speaker 38 You're killing it, lady. You're killing it.

Speaker 20 I'm sure some open micer is going to bang the hell out of you tonight.

Speaker 38 Someone's blowing the dust off of that librarian pussy tonight, I can tell.

Speaker 141 Find me on Facebook.

Speaker 24 All right, Sharon, relax.

Speaker 115 There you go. All right.

Speaker 23 Facebook. Facebook.

Speaker 51 That Mexican should have thrown her a book.

Speaker 22 You would have had the higher ground.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 138 You know she has a secret only fans.

Speaker 87 Yeah,

Speaker 115 that is a wild lady.

Speaker 38 You can tell she has like a sex swing at her place.

Speaker 115 That's like a kinky, kinky old lady.

Speaker 25 You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 7 We just met a cat lady that's secretly a killer.

Speaker 32 Anything can happen here.

Speaker 38 Mixed most moves for your next comedian, Benny Boy, everybody. Benny Boy, that's a new name here.

Speaker 12 Here we go.

Speaker 7 Oh, we know Benny Boy. All right.

Speaker 38 Here he is.

Speaker 140 Hello, how you doing?

Speaker 116 All right. I'm back.
I'm not Nick. I'm back.

Speaker 116 Anyway,

Speaker 116 I smoked a lot of putt in the 80s and 70s.

Speaker 116 Maybe 80s and 90s.

Speaker 116 Now I don't care what the fucking temperature is.

Speaker 116 I'd get so high it would take me an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Speaker 116 I did some Coke. I watched it in seven minutes flat.
What the fuck, motherfucker. That amyl nitrate?

Speaker 116 I thought it was anal nitrate.

Speaker 116 I've been putting that shit up my ass.

Speaker 116 No wonder I didn't get high.

Speaker 116 Yeah, shit.

Speaker 116 Being on Kiltoni, I got some work. I went to Tijuana.

Speaker 116 I was big down there.

Speaker 116 They said, Benjamin Grelly, Pendeo Grande.

Speaker 116 It means big funny man in Spanish, they told me. Pendeo grande, Benjamin Grelly.

Speaker 116 It was me.

Speaker 111 All right, Benny Boy.

Speaker 52 I think I just decided to stop smoking pots.

Speaker 51 This guy shot a Mexican.

Speaker 7 Yeah, no doubt about it.

Speaker 33 This is Bill Maher, Benny Boy.

Speaker 124 You ever met Bill Maher before?

Speaker 72 Bill Maher? Yeah.

Speaker 119 No.

Speaker 69 Real time.

Speaker 22 Bill Maher.

Speaker 73 Club random.

Speaker 66 No.

Speaker 3 Likes black hookers.

Speaker 116 Never heard of you.

Speaker 71 Never heard of you.

Speaker 55 Okay. Are you wearing your own merch?

Speaker 116 Bill Maher. Actually, like a left-wing.

Speaker 72 Huh?

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 69 Okay, Scram.

Speaker 33 This is wild that we've had two bucket pulls in a row that we're both part of the Manson family.

Speaker 84 This is absolutely

Speaker 51 plays guitar to a corpse.

Speaker 51 Just changes her clothes every day.

Speaker 29 uh benny is that is that always been what you've gone by on this show why does benny boy feel like a new name to me

Speaker 116 um because it's the first time i use it i usually use my regular name why are you going by a new name

Speaker 72 seems a little bit late for a correct

Speaker 116 voice benny's point just to mix it up okay yeah just mixing and i thought you might see my name and go oh not that fucking guy again and you i just pull names out of the bucket you're gonna do that shit

Speaker 28 yeah the only way to mess it up is by having it be ineligible,

Speaker 118 which means I can't read it.

Speaker 28 Which most likely means they're mentally ill.

Speaker 52 Bill Maher.

Speaker 69 You're like a magician.

Speaker 69 You make terrible comedians disappear.

Speaker 49 They're fortune cookies. Yeah.

Speaker 142 Confucius.

Speaker 28 Benny, tell us, what have we not talked about?

Speaker 57 You've been on the show before just to catch Bill Maher and Big Jay Okerson up.

Speaker 123 And you famously, at one point in your life, were friends with Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker.

Speaker 66 You call him Richie.

Speaker 22 Yeah, well,

Speaker 116 that was his name.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 116 Hence, the Richie.

Speaker 65 That's true, by the way.

Speaker 62 That's real.

Speaker 94 He used to kick it with Richie Richie.

Speaker 116 Well, I wasn't friends with him. We just had the same heroin dealer.

Speaker 100 No.

Speaker 116 It's not like I hung around with him and ate cereal with him.

Speaker 116 Right. But that would be weird eating cereal with a cereal killer.

Speaker 87 That's what buddies do.

Speaker 3 Buddies eat cereal kids.

Speaker 51 Pass the fruit loops, Richie.

Speaker 51 If you had cereal money and milk money, you were getting heroin.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 62 You guys were heroin buddies.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 62 You didn't do anything gay like eat cereal together.

Speaker 116 Oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 116 You got to be gay to do that.

Speaker 71 Did you ever share a needle?

Speaker 63 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 106 Exactly.

Speaker 134 So,

Speaker 47 did you ever share a needle with him?

Speaker 116 Oh, no, no. This was the 80s.
You didn't share needles with anybody.

Speaker 95 That's the gayest.

Speaker 116 AIDS was rampant.

Speaker 51 Did you ever

Speaker 116 used to be a felony?

Speaker 66 Did you ever murder people with him?

Speaker 116 Did I what?

Speaker 51 Did you ever go and look at attack people and murder with him?

Speaker 22 No.

Speaker 116 Never saw him actually out of that room, my dope dealer's room. He lived across the hall.

Speaker 116 Had a pentagram on his floor.

Speaker 69 Usually a heroin screws with your brain, but you got away scot-free.

Speaker 116 Oh, yeah, I did.

Speaker 3 You said there was a pentagram on the floor, too.

Speaker 51 Like, it was like, yeah, that was kind of weird, I guess.

Speaker 30 There was a bloodletting, but Benny boy, tell us something about your life that you've never told us before.

Speaker 107 You have always been a great interviewee.

Speaker 116 Well, I got another story for you.

Speaker 94 There you go.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 116 You want to hear about the time I stole a guy's TV

Speaker 116 while he got up to make a sandwich during a commercial.

Speaker 30 You stole his TV when he...

Speaker 38 Yes, can we get proper lighting for this keynote?

Speaker 84 He's a great swimmer.

Speaker 116 It was a long time ago.

Speaker 116 I don't do that shit anymore.

Speaker 116 Unless I need a TV, that is.

Speaker 116 Yeah, it was in San Luis Obispo. I better not say the name.
The guy might still be alive, and who knows?

Speaker 28 He ain't coming for his TV.

Speaker 116 That's right, yeah.

Speaker 38 There's a lady that's gonna be murdered by a Mexican with one arm before this guy comes for his TV.

Speaker 86 Just go ahead, tell the story, Benny.

Speaker 116 Okay, so I just moved into this guest house behind my art teacher's house.

Speaker 116 This is back in the 70s. And I moved in.
I had all my furniture in there, sat down on my sofa, and I realized, shit.

Speaker 116 Johnny Carson's gonna be on tonight in about a half hour. And Richard Pryor was on that night.
I remember distinctly.

Speaker 116 Who happened to be one of my favorite comedians. And I said, I don't have a fucking TV.

Speaker 116 It's 11 o'clock. The news is on.
30 minutes. Carson's on.
I don't want to miss the monologue.

Speaker 116 I'm going, where the fuck am I going to get a TV at 11 o'clock at night?

Speaker 116 I said, I better get in my pickup truck and go peruse the neighborhood.

Speaker 116 So I did.

Speaker 116 Driving down the street, not too far from my house, and I see a big picture window. And in the picture window is this beautiful color TV.

Speaker 116 Back then, they weren't all color.

Speaker 116 This one was. So I kind of said, oh shit, there's a TV right there.
So I pulled my truck down a few houses down a ways

Speaker 116 because I assumed I'm going to be running out of this house with a TV.

Speaker 116 And I didn't want them to get my license plate.

Speaker 116 I didn't have time to steal a car.

Speaker 116 Plus, I hadn't done that in a few years.

Speaker 116 And I was a little rusty.

Speaker 116 So I packed my truck and I did my best

Speaker 116 cat burglar routine,

Speaker 116 crawled up to this guy's picture window, looked inside, and there's this dude sitting on the couch watching the news.

Speaker 116 I'm like, ah, shit,

Speaker 116 someone's home.

Speaker 116 I wasn't used to going in houses when someone was home.

Speaker 116 I usually waited till they left.

Speaker 116 But right next to the TV was a screen door. It was summertime, so so the door was open, but the screen was closed.
And I'm saying to myself, the TV is right there, right next to the door.

Speaker 116 If I go around the back, I could just grab that TV and leave. But the fucking guy's there.

Speaker 116 Next thing I know, the guy gets up.

Speaker 116 He goes up these stairs and he's in this little, in his kitchen. He opens a refrigerator and he starts pulling out mustard and ham and

Speaker 116 cheese.

Speaker 97 I'm like, this fucking guy's making a sandwich.

Speaker 116 It's going to take him a few minutes to make that sandwich.

Speaker 116 Right?

Speaker 116 You can't make

Speaker 116 only take me a few minutes to get that TV.

Speaker 116 So he's making his sandwich, his back was to me, I could see him up there, the TV's there, the door's there,

Speaker 116 then he goes in the back somewhere, I assume to the bathroom or something, which is even better. It's like, oh man, I got to do this.
So I run around the back of the house.

Speaker 116 I open the screen door very gingerly like, and I push that little thing, you know, to keep the pump the door from shutting there.

Speaker 116 What do you call that?

Speaker 122 Bill, would you have to do it?

Speaker 18 Door stop. Who said that?

Speaker 116 What? That's a genius.

Speaker 116 Door stop.

Speaker 71 I don't cheese it.

Speaker 18 It's a story.

Speaker 116 I kept the door open.

Speaker 59 Keep going, Benny.

Speaker 64 Keep going.

Speaker 12 You have pure momentum.

Speaker 116 And

Speaker 116 the TV was right there.

Speaker 3 I opened the door.

Speaker 116 The TV, I just had to take like literally one step.

Speaker 116 This wasn't a flat screen TV. These were heavy fucking TVs.

Speaker 116 This thing was way heavier than I expected.

Speaker 116 And as you can see, I'm a skinny runt.

Speaker 116 My rap name is Skinny Bastard.

Speaker 116 Anyway, I grabbed the TV and immediately I went, oh, this thing's too fucking heavy. I'm not going to be able to make it back to my truck.
And the guy's still not there, so I'm outside now, his door.

Speaker 116 And I look in the back, and there's a cinder block wall, and there's a shed up against the wall, and there's a ladder right there, up against the shed.

Speaker 116 And I figured, okay, it's easier for me to get to that wall than it is to get to my truck.

Speaker 116 So I brought the TV back to the shed, climbed the ladder, I put the TV on the roof of the shed, which was right up against the cinder block wall, and there's an alley that goes behind this.

Speaker 116 All the houses where the garbage trucks go.

Speaker 68 I have a black hooker waiting.

Speaker 69 Let's

Speaker 68 go.

Speaker 116 So I put the TV up there.

Speaker 51 Singer, yo, sing.

Speaker 116 Put the TV up there.

Speaker 116 As I'm walking back, I look in there, the guy's back to making the sandwich.

Speaker 116 I see his elbows and stuff. I'm going, okay, he's cool.
So I go back to my truck, get in my truck, and I come all the way around.

Speaker 75 Join me to black hookers.

Speaker 116 Go down the alley,

Speaker 116 stop my truck.

Speaker 116 I climb in the back of the bed bed of the truck so I could reach the TV from the roof of the shed, got the TV, put it in the bed of the truck, I put a little tarp over it, just in case I got stopped, which I didn't.

Speaker 116 I drive around the alley, I go around the corner, now I'm going up the street where the guy lives.

Speaker 116 To my amazement, there's already a cop car there.

Speaker 116 Police car was there already. So there's two cops and the guy on the front lawn and all three of them scratching their heads.

Speaker 116 And I can only assume they're going, so what the fuck happened?

Speaker 116 I got up to make a sandwich,

Speaker 116 come back, and my fucking TV's gone.

Speaker 116 Wow.

Speaker 116 That was it.

Speaker 7 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 6 Did you make it back in time to plug in the TV and catch the episode of Johnny Carson?

Speaker 116 Perfect timing.

Speaker 72 Fucking great. Incredible.

Speaker 116 I couldn't have planned it better.

Speaker 22 Incredible.

Speaker 52 Okay, that's our show.

Speaker 69 Coming next week with my guests are Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hotua girl.

Speaker 95 That was a long story.

Speaker 69 That was a very long story, you gotta be honest.

Speaker 108 God damn it.

Speaker 51 He's got a lot of family that's still worried about him a lot.

Speaker 47 Benny Boy, it boggles my mind your ability to tell stories in the interview portion of this show.

Speaker 116 Yeah, well, I'm old.

Speaker 72 I got a lot of shit.

Speaker 143 Yeah, well,

Speaker 21 you just got to keep signing up and do it again.

Speaker 116 I sign up every fucking week.

Speaker 8 All right, yeah, this is it.

Speaker 17 This is your odds.

Speaker 12 Everything makes sense.

Speaker 15 You get pulled

Speaker 97 once every few shows.

Speaker 116 It's nothing personal.

Speaker 44 What are you crazy?

Speaker 34 It's a bucket full of names.

Speaker 95 You just said, what are you crazy?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 116 I thought you might see my name and go, oh, that's fucking Guinea again and throw it away.

Speaker 23 The fucking what again?

Speaker 22 What are you thinking about you?

Speaker 122 Giddy.

Speaker 84 Did you call yourself a Guinea?

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 39 You should do a podcast, by the way, with all these stories and shit. Like, of all the people that should have a podcast.
You should do that.

Speaker 84 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 116 I would love to do a podcast, but I'm not as smart as I look.

Speaker 38 It's perfect. Benny, we love you.

Speaker 6 You already have a big joke book, right?

Speaker 12 Oh, yeah, yeah, they do.

Speaker 59 Yeah, you got one.

Speaker 32 Don't try to steal one from me here.

Speaker 79 I'm not making a fucking sandwich.

Speaker 116 I saw.

Speaker 85 What?

Speaker 116 I saw you at the secret show, and I said, I need another big book. Mine was full.
And you said to Yoni, get him another book.

Speaker 33 Did we get you another book?

Speaker 116 No, that was.

Speaker 26 Jesus Christ, you're a real con artist.

Speaker 14 Do you know that?

Speaker 7 There he goes, Benny Boy, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go.
We're flying through him tonight. Benny, what?

Speaker 6 You just told a 15-minute long fucking story.

Speaker 58 What else could you possibly want?

Speaker 116 Last time I was here.

Speaker 13 I have a lady that I'm going to have shoot you in a second, right behind the curtain.

Speaker 116 Hey, no, remember, I'm non-violent.

Speaker 66 What?

Speaker 116 I'm non-violent.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 97 The last time I was here.

Speaker 33 Okay, Benny, I love you.

Speaker 19 You gotta go. Benny boy, ladies.

Speaker 20 I'm gonna have security choke you the fuck out. Get out of here.

Speaker 116 I gotta say.

Speaker 136 Go!

Speaker 3 Get out!

Speaker 116 It wasn't the first time I've been thrown up. Benny.

Speaker 89 Shut the fuck up. Get out of here.

Speaker 7 Unbelievable.

Speaker 7 A throwback to a different time.

Speaker 51 That was bat shit.

Speaker 111 I love it.

Speaker 105 Oh, it was great.

Speaker 69 A totally different show happened for 20 minutes.

Speaker 66 I can't believe.

Speaker 33 I can't believe you have Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hawk Tua girls.

Speaker 69 Next week after that, I have Prime Minister Trudeau and Megan the Stallion.

Speaker 95 So it's a whole month of great shows that we have.

Speaker 34 Do you book it yourself?

Speaker 69 I always book it myself.

Speaker 31 You always book somebody

Speaker 6 very important and like, you know, and then someone that's just like a street rat.

Speaker 27 We have Kim Jong-un

Speaker 69 and the Cash Me Outside Girl in April, if you want to tune into that.

Speaker 70 Who else does it have? Bill Martin.

Speaker 55 King Charles and the Burger King mascots.

Speaker 69 We got a lot of great people coming up. Real time with Bill Maher.

Speaker 115 Kyle Dunagan.com is what Bill Maher is promoting tonight.

Speaker 71 No idea.

Speaker 105 Oh, man.

Speaker 22 That is hilarious.

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Speaker 24 All right, your next comedian.

Speaker 25 We still having fun out there?

Speaker 20 Not everybody's just old people with crazy stories out of this bucket tonight.

Speaker 78 There's no way.

Speaker 32 Make some noise for your next comedian.

Speaker 38 It's Marvin Izzy, everybody.

Speaker 20 Marvin Izzy.

Speaker 120 This is dope, yo. I'm having a good time, yo.
Happy to be here, man.

Speaker 120 I'm really happy to be here, yo, because tonight's normally the night with me and my wife, we do this thing called Netflix and chill. Y'all heard of that?

Speaker 120 Where she watches Netflix and I have to go chill somewhere else.

Speaker 120 Kidding, man, I love my wife, yo. I have to.
She makes makes more money than me.

Speaker 120 I realize I'm the housewife. I noticed this the other night when I was dying in her work clothes, which is messed up because she worked from home.

Speaker 120 I need a new weed dealer, man.

Speaker 120 Last time I hit my weed dealer up was voice text. I say, yo, you want deck? And I sent it.
I ain't know my phone heard. Yo, you want dick?

Speaker 120 So he still serves me weed now. He just don't give me eye contact no more, man.

Speaker 120 And I need weed for like, you know, tolerate work, man. Like, I can't stand jobs, yo.
Like, I don't participate in work functions like Secret Santa's.

Speaker 120 Because I always end up drawing the coworker I don't like, which is all of them.

Speaker 120 One time I drew the manager. I ain't know what to get him for Secret Santa, so I got him the best gift I thought I could give him.
My two weeks' notice.

Speaker 120 I'm Marvin Izzy.

Speaker 78 Okay. All right, Marvin Izzy.

Speaker 38 Marvin, welcome.

Speaker 114 What do you do for work?

Speaker 120 I'm going to be an operations clerk starting this Monday.

Speaker 40 Operations clerk?

Speaker 83 Starting this Monday.

Speaker 82 What have you been doing up until this point?

Speaker 81 And this is this Monday, by the way.

Speaker 31 You were supposed to start today.

Speaker 71 It's

Speaker 135 Monday night now.

Speaker 83 I think you missed your shift.

Speaker 120 All right, so I'm unemployed.

Speaker 120 Now I meant to say I started next Monday. Okay.

Speaker 87 Yeah. And

Speaker 57 where are you an operations clerk at?

Speaker 36 That is a professional title, but you didn't tell us where you were.

Speaker 120 It's a manufacturing company that made me sign an NDA, so I can't say where they're at.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Sorry, that's what I'm limited at, and I just need to start this job.

Speaker 18 Absolutely.

Speaker 69 Never get shot in the shoulder.

Speaker 25 Your right arm is hanging low.

Speaker 31 It does look limp.

Speaker 69 Something's goofy over there. there

Speaker 51 but okay you do have the energy with the audience of like uh look I'm just trying to get my life together my wife had a kid while I was in prison

Speaker 51 yeah you're right trying to do the right thing in life and if you don't laugh I'm gonna go back to murdering whites

Speaker 12 not just whites nice like

Speaker 47 nice That ponytail is so tight back.

Speaker 31 It is incredible.

Speaker 19 You're Puerto Rican? Yes, sir.

Speaker 23 Absolutely.

Speaker 79 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 38 There is a certain amount of absolute pain that they put themselves through before you leave the house.

Speaker 120 Stretch out the forehead, you know? Yep.

Speaker 22 Absolutely.

Speaker 112 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 36 What do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you?

Speaker 62 Like in your daily routines and whatnot?

Speaker 120 Shit, believe it or not, I'm watered down, bro. I'm not as Puerto Rican as Puerto Ricans should be.

Speaker 42 When you say watered down, does that mean what?

Speaker 120 I don't eat rice and beans. I don't fucking...

Speaker 51 I don't eat it. How many kids do you have?

Speaker 94 One. Okay.

Speaker 22 Wow.

Speaker 67 Incredible.

Speaker 120 But I did have her when I was 18. So I still got to, you know,

Speaker 18 I got to meet the standards in some way.

Speaker 72 And do you live with her?

Speaker 116 Well, no, she's in college now.

Speaker 9 There it is.

Speaker 38 Very Puerto Rican.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 78 Absolutely. Who has the tighter ponytail?

Speaker 59 You or her?

Speaker 97 Me.

Speaker 121 There you go. Nice.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 43 You're saying that hers is loose?

Speaker 120 I hope that's the only thing.

Speaker 63 That's right.

Speaker 119 Doge needs to get in control of your

Speaker 69 gel budget. I've had too much of this.

Speaker 95 It's okay.

Speaker 20 You better get it together, Bill Maher, because next week on your show, you have Vladimir Putin and Benny Boy.

Speaker 66 I'm getting worse, man.

Speaker 102 That's right. Please turn it.

Speaker 75 Thanks for plugging that, by the way.

Speaker 75 I was hoping.

Speaker 22 I'm having too much fun.

Speaker 40 This is too much fun.

Speaker 78 Marvin Izzy, what's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you?

Speaker 120 I suffered a heart attack a year ago.

Speaker 44 Oh my God. How did that happen?

Speaker 120 I was on a red band diet.

Speaker 135 Look at red band.

Speaker 120 I was trying to get on the Big J diet, but I just, you know.

Speaker 62 So what were you really doing?

Speaker 29 Tell us about it.

Speaker 28 What is it?

Speaker 120 No, I mean, it was just unhealthy eating.

Speaker 71 Like, what?

Speaker 12 What, what, what?

Speaker 120 Fast foods, just fucking Popeyes, McDonald's, Burger Kings, fucking... See the thumbs up? The Red Band diet.

Speaker 18 You see what I mean?

Speaker 34 You ever do any cardio?

Speaker 120 That's genetic. Nah, no, I ain't really do no, I really ain't take care of myself.

Speaker 22 How old are you?

Speaker 120 I'm 39.

Speaker 146 Jesus, you had a heart attack at 38?

Speaker 47 Yes, sir.

Speaker 134 And where did this happen?

Speaker 146 How did this happen? Take us through the steps.

Speaker 28 You're right.

Speaker 97 You're right.

Speaker 23 So we're starting.

Speaker 81 Your right arm goes a little numb.

Speaker 120 Nah, real shit. Now you fucking with me.
I did. I do.
My shoulder does hurt, but I didn't know it was like slouching and shit. Like, damn, you got me on that.

Speaker 36 You ever spent any time in San Antonio?

Speaker 120 No, never been there.

Speaker 52 Never been there.

Speaker 52 I don't know.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 70 Nah, so

Speaker 120 I came to visit, you know, was

Speaker 98 where?

Speaker 120 I came to visit Austin for my first time, like a year ago. It was crashing with David Jolly, and then I came back home.

Speaker 49 Like, yeah, of course.

Speaker 120 And then, like, two weeks later, I had the heart attack um and then as soon as I got discharged from the hospital like the heart attack happened in my house so like

Speaker 120 I felt weird in the chest and then it was just like this this don't feel right and I went to go get some fresh air and then everything started spinning on me immediately I was like all right we're going to the hospital by the time I tried to get a sweater because hospitals are cold

Speaker 120 Wow so I tried to get a sweater immediately there was a complete detachment from my brain and my body that I was just like, no, call 911.

Speaker 120 And they came and picked me up, but they didn't believe that I was having a heart attack. They just thought I was ODing on cocaine.
Right.

Speaker 109 Were you?

Speaker 120 No, again,

Speaker 120 no.

Speaker 35 Hang on. No.

Speaker 51 As a fact, are you blaming the wrong thing here?

Speaker 122 Is this a little...

Speaker 120 No, real shit. I never did cocaine in my life.

Speaker 73 I'm a major pothead, but I never did Coke.

Speaker 58 But

Speaker 78 I would have assumed you were ODing on cocaine as well, but ODing on cocaine and a heart attack are almost essentially kind of the same thing, right?

Speaker 120 Yeah, pretty much. But the thing that concerned them was I wasn't like hypertension or anything.
Like, I'm having this heart attack, but I had low blood pressure.

Speaker 120 So they wasn't taking my heart attack serious at all.

Speaker 28 So how long until they took you to the hospital?

Speaker 57 Were they?

Speaker 120 Well, it was pretty fast, right? They got me there within like 15 minutes, you know?

Speaker 42 And the doctor's like, it's a heart attack.

Speaker 120 No, they was observing and try to rule out everything first.

Speaker 51 I like the energy of it was like, this guy thinks he's having a heart attack.

Speaker 18 I guess.

Speaker 146 Yeah, they take it seriously at some point.

Speaker 120 You know, they was just looking like, how much cocaine have you done? And I'm like, you know, my name's not Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 56 That's fine.

Speaker 56 Oh, here we go. Uh-oh,

Speaker 22 you got me.

Speaker 41 Anyway,

Speaker 63 I've never tried it before, but I guess that's a thing.

Speaker 24 I'm a gay Cokehead.

Speaker 120 Nah, but after some point, they had to just rule it in and was like, yeah, you're having a heart attack.

Speaker 120 So they admitted me and they ran a procedure where they placed a stent in my artery because it was the LAD artery, which is known as the widowmaker. So I'm not supposed to be standing here.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 120 They ran it through my wrist, which I'm happy because they said if they can't run it through your wrist, they run it through your nuts.

Speaker 120 And I was like, well, I have two wrists and two balls. Let's just try each wrist first.

Speaker 120 Okay. Yeah, and I'm here to tell y'all about that.

Speaker 44 So Big ups.

Speaker 94 Congratulations.

Speaker 60 That is a fun fact.

Speaker 38 That is the laugh of Fiona Cauley

Speaker 79 that John Dees has saved on his keyboard.

Speaker 60 John Dees has some of his own son.

Speaker 21 Hit it again, John.

Speaker 79 That is the great Fiona Cauley,

Speaker 78 golden ticket winner out of Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 94 Okay, Marvin,

Speaker 57 you've been on the show before, right?

Speaker 120 Last week in that turbo round.

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 94 That shit.

Speaker 22 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 42 Well, congratulations. You got your interview in.

Speaker 121 You got pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 38 There he goes.

Speaker 79 You got a little joke book?

Speaker 120 I ain't get nothing.

Speaker 24 Here you go, my friend.

Speaker 120 Hey, why not?

Speaker 135 Marvin Izzy. All right.

Speaker 7 We're flying through it.

Speaker 20 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris

Speaker 35 Cabral, everybody.

Speaker 22 Chris Cabral.

Speaker 51 Or Chris Cabral, perhaps.

Speaker 109 Oh.

Speaker 152 All right. Do y'all know I've

Speaker 152 in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Speaker 127 Do y'all know this?

Speaker 152 Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 140 World's longest infant penis. Thank you.

Speaker 152 Thank you. I'm very proud of that.
Very proud of that. In fact, the doctors wrote, they hand wrote in my medical records, it says, wow,

Speaker 152 we thought it was a baby anaconda. Yeah,

Speaker 152 I... I'm very proud of my records.

Speaker 152 In fact, I had my record for about one day.

Speaker 152 Only one day. Yeah, as it turns out, they measured the umbilical cord instead of my penis.
So, yeah, it was kind of embarrassing there.

Speaker 152 But yeah, so

Speaker 152 that's my one minute.

Speaker 140 Thank you.

Speaker 71 All right.

Speaker 88 Wow, 42 seconds from Chris Cabrall talking about his tiny penis.

Speaker 152 Yes, tiny, tiny.

Speaker 89 Hello, Chris.

Speaker 106 Welcome.

Speaker 134 How long have you been trying stand-up comedy out?

Speaker 140 Three years.

Speaker 35 Three years.

Speaker 44 Where at?

Speaker 94 Where?

Speaker 152 Charlottesville, Virginia.

Speaker 44 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 65 That is one of the saddest things that's ever happened in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Speaker 57 A true tragedy.

Speaker 94 Man, that's brutal. That's real.

Speaker 22 Oh, you got me.

Speaker 36 Chris, how long have you been a retired police officer for?

Speaker 140 I have been a police officer. I have been.

Speaker 22 Way back in the day.

Speaker 72 What?

Speaker 57 You just stepped on a joke and what?

Speaker 85 I'm sorry.

Speaker 94 Nope. Nope.
Just go ahead.

Speaker 72 Answer.

Speaker 152 No, yeah, I was a... I'm a park ranger in my civilian life.

Speaker 146 But what did you say originally?

Speaker 152 I used to do law enforcement in the park ranger world.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Big J, what did you say?

Speaker 119 I forget.

Speaker 42 Chris Cabrill just out here swinging that baby penis around.

Speaker 84 So what does that mean, law enforcement enforcement as a park ranger what were you doing exactly resting squirrels yeah yeah that little spit out the nut

Speaker 22 give me that fucking acorn yeah

Speaker 152 typical law enforcement stuff uh but mainly people vandalizing things and kind of doing all that type of stuff but now I do education for the parks yeah Speaking of squirrels, next week on Bill Maher's show, he has President Zelensky and one of the squirrels that he arrested.

Speaker 105 One One of the squirrels, yes. All right.

Speaker 18 It's a packed show.

Speaker 135 I can't get enough of these Bill Maher bookings.

Speaker 36 Chris, there has been something that's been happening tonight.

Speaker 106 I'm going to catch you up because the bucket pulls are brought over here and kind of get to hear what's happening right before they come up.

Speaker 94 There's been a theme tonight with Eve Ellen.

Speaker 28 Nope.

Speaker 94 Sharon Ruth Hensley, older lady, kind of had a rough set.

Speaker 104 And then an unbelievable interview.

Speaker 133 Benny Boy,

Speaker 57 mediocre set.

Speaker 21 Game-changing interview.

Speaker 40 A story that would win a fucking Oscar if podcasts had awards.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 104 Now, what I want you to do here

Speaker 3 is I want you to think in your head of something of your entire life.

Speaker 134 How old are you?

Speaker 72 How old do you think I am?

Speaker 24 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 13 Don't ask faggy questions like that.

Speaker 23 Stick with me here. Just look at me.

Speaker 72 55.

Speaker 72 5'5.

Speaker 109 Okay, 5'5. Very good.

Speaker 134 Stick with me here.

Speaker 114 I want you to focus, because this could be golden.

Speaker 126 We could go three for three with unfunny old sets, having unbelievable interviews.

Speaker 117 If this goes how I think it can go, you're gonna come out of here feeling good.

Speaker 106 If it continues to go how you've been letting it go, you're gonna go, what the fuck was that?

Speaker 96 This is your moment.

Speaker 42 This is your moment.

Speaker 107 You have 55 years to reflect on a story or a moment or something interesting about you that is going to change this fucking vibe, this moment that we're in right now.

Speaker 117 It's all come to this.

Speaker 22 It's your life.

Speaker 28 I need you to reflect in your head.

Speaker 124 Let me give you an example.

Speaker 47 Sharon Ruth Hensley,

Speaker 47 a woman who appeared to own all of the cats, turns out is a gun-toting hillbilly.

Speaker 89 A Texan through and through, even though she looked like she voted for Kamala eight times in eight different states.

Speaker 112 Turns out she shoots people that try to invade her house with a 357 Magnum.

Speaker 78 Hollow point bullets that blast through marathon runners who are currently tracking her down right now.

Speaker 17 Sweet little Benny boy comes up with some old-timey jokes, fucking, it takes me seven hours to watch 60 minutes.

Speaker 123 Next thing you know, him and the band fucking jamming up here talking about a guy making a little mustard sandwich stealing his TV.

Speaker 8 A heavy TV so heavy that he ended up taking up on a ladder on a shed, driving his car around fucking crazy.

Speaker 18 That was definitely the scenic route to his truck.

Speaker 8 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 3 It's fucking wild.

Speaker 17 It's unclimbable.

Speaker 143 Unbelievable.

Speaker 6 It wouldn't even make sense in any other universe other than Kill Tony.

Speaker 12 So now, Chris Cabral.

Speaker 3 Cabral.

Speaker 93 Chris Cabral. Yeah.

Speaker 18 Now is that moment.

Speaker 80 John, if you can give me a little something. Lighting, if you give me a little something, this is your moment, Chris.

Speaker 29 Tell us.

Speaker 43 55 years to reflect on.

Speaker 28 Tell us something that would boggle our fucking minds that you've seen or been part of in your life.

Speaker 57 Now, this is Chris Cabral.

Speaker 51 We vamped for so long to give you time to think.

Speaker 24 And now

Speaker 84 is that moment. Starting now.

Speaker 57 This is Chris Cabral.

Speaker 140 All right. I like the music there.

Speaker 22 Don't acknowledge anything just.

Speaker 152 I was mugged by a two-year-old.

Speaker 121 Okay.

Speaker 152 Yeah, and that is true.

Speaker 127 That's a true story.

Speaker 49 Okay, now tell us the story, Chris.

Speaker 152 I was

Speaker 152 on the U.S.

Speaker 152 national luge team. Y'all know luge?

Speaker 28 Stop asking the audience for their approval. I can't believe three years and you've learned nothing about the art form, Chris.

Speaker 37 Just focus in on the story.

Speaker 28 Don't acknowledge the odds. Pretend like you're just crushing.

Speaker 146 Stare straight out there.

Speaker 75 All right.

Speaker 152 I was in Moscow, Russia, and a

Speaker 152 little kid latched onto my leg.

Speaker 152 And this turned out to be a big,

Speaker 152 it was a big deal. I'm trying to get the kid off.
I had a teammate with me. He would not leave.
This is like zero degrees in Russia. I'm grabbing his head, trying to pull it back.

Speaker 140 He's going,

Speaker 152 he just kept on. He wouldn't let go.
The kid wouldn't let go. I was with a buddy of mine, a teammate.
The mom came out, grabbed my teammate.

Speaker 152 And I'm still struggling with the kid. He wouldn't let go.
And his little snot was run down. It was crazy.

Speaker 152 and I remember I was pulling his head back and he's going no no and I finally shoved the little baby on the ground I may have kicked him a little bit too shoved him and my friend threw the mom into a snowbank because it was the middle of winter it's a winter sport and we ran we ran from the baby and we ran down the street in Moscow and we pounded on the bus to get in turn around and we get in the bus and the baby was chasing us.

Speaker 152 We didn't know this. He stopped and he was stopped crying and then he latched onto another leg.
So that was my getting mugged by a baby.

Speaker 44 Well, two for three tonight

Speaker 12 isn't that bad.

Speaker 18 Good story.

Speaker 51 That was 76% lie.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 78 It's pretty wild.

Speaker 37 The good news, Ronald Reagan and the baby from that story are on Bill Maher next month.

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 71 All right.

Speaker 18 Not bad.

Speaker 95 I love the plugs.

Speaker 69 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 77 An unbelievably bad story, Chris.

Speaker 23 You basically basically assaulted a two-year-old and threw a Russian woman into a snowbank.

Speaker 152 Yes, that is true.

Speaker 72 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 37 Chris, what are we missing about you?

Speaker 81 Anything else before I let you go?

Speaker 152 I'm here in Texas. I'm a reservist in the Air Force, and I'm retiring, which is cool.

Speaker 71 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 77 What have you done in the Air Force?

Speaker 41 You ever serve overseas or anything?

Speaker 34 Other than beating up children?

Speaker 51 One person in the universe was excited to meet somebody on the luge team.

Speaker 51 And instead of embracing that moment of like, well, this is beautiful, he shoved the kid down and they, for no reason at all, brought the mother to watch and then threw her, if I'm understanding correctly.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 22 And then threw her into the snow.

Speaker 51 He's like, fuck you, you dumb bitch.

Speaker 122 That's what you get for.

Speaker 51 We're USA Luge. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Like, fuck you.

Speaker 51 Fuck you, you stupid baby.

Speaker 3 USA A-luge.

Speaker 14 It is incredible.

Speaker 58 Your perspective is amazing, Big J.

Speaker 6 You've seen what I was, I completely missed this.

Speaker 58 The kid was looking up to you.

Speaker 64 He's like, oh, my God.

Speaker 137 He's like, get the fuck this kid off me.

Speaker 109 Oh, my God.

Speaker 51 If I had a dime for every goddamn kid who wants to be my child because I'm just like a luge guy coming through town, man, okay?

Speaker 51 Like anybody else.

Speaker 88 You snooze you luge.

Speaker 33 Chris Cabral, here's a little joke, but we're gonna keep it moving along.

Speaker 34 You gonna catch this?

Speaker 12 Sure. There you go.

Speaker 15 Chris Cabral, everybody. Thank you.

Speaker 38 All right, your final bucket pull of the night, everybody.

Speaker 38 It's been a hell of a show.

Speaker 32 Make some noise for

Speaker 51 Jalet Zeller.

Speaker 38 Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Jarrett Zeller.
Here we go.

Speaker 111 Uh-oh, oh, look out.

Speaker 115 Here he is.

Speaker 51 Make some noise for Jarrett Zeller, everybody.

Speaker 102 Wait a second.

Speaker 102 No.

Speaker 21 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 30 No, well, and you play that when he's up here.

Speaker 82 No, no, that's not how it works. That's intro.

Speaker 58 Outro is when they're leaving.

Speaker 40 Intro is when the next person comes up.

Speaker 32 We're going to give this guy a fresh start, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Jared Zeller.

Speaker 88 One more time for Jared Zeller, everybody.

Speaker 88 Thank you.

Speaker 86 So I've been thinking a lot about

Speaker 86 what Kamala Harris would sound like if she was a guy.

Speaker 86 So I have an impression of Kamala Harris if she was a guy.

Speaker 39 Please be a good crowd. Please be a good crowd.

Speaker 86 Hey, shit, man. Hey, man.
You know me, man.

Speaker 144 Hey, man.

Speaker 86 Hey, man. So, you know, I was walking to the store, man.
Just give me some Valentine's Day gifts from my boo thing, Dougie Doug, man. You know, Doug, man.
You know, my boo, man. And shit, man.

Speaker 86 No, but fuck, man. Shit.

Speaker 15 No, but like,

Speaker 86 I'm looking for some flowers and shit, man. Some chocolate.
And then I'll pull up to the dude, right, with my chocolates and my flowers and shit, man. You know, smelling all good and shit, man.

Speaker 86 And I'll pull up to the dude, right? And the dude, he was like,

Speaker 86 all right, bet, that'll be $50.

Speaker 116 I was like, $50.

Speaker 147 Hey yo, what the fuck?

Speaker 86 Here's an impression

Speaker 86 of

Speaker 86 the voice in my head when my jokes don't land the way I want them to.

Speaker 41 Now,

Speaker 136 now,

Speaker 136 I am funny!

Speaker 64 Thank you!

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 13 It was bad and awesome at the same time.

Speaker 12 There's something.

Speaker 99 It was bad, but there's something weirdly hilarious about you.

Speaker 34 I love that you blame them.

Speaker 100 You're a great guy.

Speaker 51 That was like a fever drive.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 38 This is what Benny Boy was like when he was younger or something.

Speaker 69 Your act is like women over 30. Not for me.

Speaker 69 Look, you got talent. You do have talent.
I think you should keep going.

Speaker 51 He's also dressed very sharp, but at the same time, looks like a figment of an imagination. Yeah.
Like someone's imaginary friend.

Speaker 104 Yeah, it is incredible.

Speaker 91 You have a very odd charisma to you, Jarrett Zeller.

Speaker 86 Oh, thanks, Tony.

Speaker 18 You're welcome.

Speaker 10 You're welcome.

Speaker 84 You seem a little twitchy, a little high energy. Are you on like Adderall or something?

Speaker 86 No, just vibes. Like this.

Speaker 111 Just vibes. Just vibes.

Speaker 41 All right.

Speaker 43 How long have you been visiting from California?

Speaker 86 Damn, bro. I'm like actually a Texan shit.
That's crazy.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 86 Yeah, but my mom wants to associate herself with being from California, even though she's not.

Speaker 120 So like, I, yeah, I get that, I guess.

Speaker 62 All right, that was a little.

Speaker 123 Does your mom live in California?

Speaker 86 No, she just likes to visit a lot.

Speaker 21 And you visited there a lot.

Speaker 2 She took me along, yeah.

Speaker 41 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 109 There it is.

Speaker 140 And you thought it was Darly?

Speaker 144 Yeah, I did. Yeah.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 34 Jared, how old are you?

Speaker 86 I'm 27.

Speaker 28 How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 65 Two years.

Speaker 88 Two years. Where have you been doing that at?

Speaker 86 DFW area and College Station Bryan.

Speaker 57 Dallas, Fort Worth, and College Station.

Speaker 114 We know it very well.

Speaker 42 And how often do you make it down to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 86 This is my second time in Austin at all.

Speaker 41 Right.

Speaker 114 What was the other time?

Speaker 86 With my mom. She took me.

Speaker 84 Face the crowd.

Speaker 26 You're slowly turning around completely.

Speaker 32 You just made direct eye contact with the drummer there.

Speaker 24 I'm gonna help you out.

Speaker 18 When you get nervous, you spin around in 180 degrees.

Speaker 37 Your mom took you to Austin once.

Speaker 86 What did you do? I came to the domain. We stayed by the domain.

Speaker 83 Wow, you came to the Austin to go to the worst place in the city.

Speaker 36 That is incredible.

Speaker 138 Does your mom do real estate or something like that?

Speaker 94 What does she do? Yeah, she does.

Speaker 111 Red band. Red band.

Speaker 18 That was fantastic.

Speaker 12 Red band.

Speaker 86 That's pretty good.

Speaker 78 Red band on fire right now.

Speaker 44 He is on fire.

Speaker 134 Okay, Jarrett. So

Speaker 65 this is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 36 27.

Speaker 43 You've been doing it for two years.

Speaker 81 Is that your best minute or is that your newest minute?

Speaker 86 Man,

Speaker 86 I feel like I know where this is going to go, man.

Speaker 90 Where do you think this is going to go?

Speaker 109 Face the crowd, Jarrett.

Speaker 18 You're spinning around again.

Speaker 68 Listen, Tony.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 21 I've never seen anything like it before.

Speaker 38 You're like some type of

Speaker 121 one of those.

Speaker 126 What's the thing that's in the the middle of like a dinner table what's that called lance at nancy susan

Speaker 12 lazy susan jared zeller has the stage presence of a lazy susan

Speaker 20 is your mother's name susan by a chance uh no but man it's fucking close so it is that's yeah chloe no stacy yeah stay with stay with the s stay with the s yeah but i'm not gonna you know that's okay you don't need to throw your mom under the bus.

Speaker 86 Thank God. Sure.

Speaker 90 You're very close with your mother, aren't you?

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 78 You still live with her?

Speaker 86 No, I just recently moved out.

Speaker 21 This is your first time living on your own?

Speaker 86 Second time.

Speaker 42 What happened the first time?

Speaker 86 The first time I had to move back in with my parents because I hit an 18-wheeler on a motorcycle with no helmets.

Speaker 59 You were in the motorcycle?

Speaker 86 I was on it, yeah.

Speaker 104 And you had no helmet on.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 18 This is all starting to make sense.

Speaker 28 Were you twitchy and kind of jittery before that?

Speaker 86 Dude, actually, I mean, yeah.

Speaker 102 Okay.

Speaker 86 But maybe it's more now?

Speaker 3 Yeah. It is.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 112 It has to be.

Speaker 84 It has to be.

Speaker 4 I was like coming out of a stupor when you said that.

Speaker 51 I was hit by an AT wheel on a motorcycle.

Speaker 22 Oh, all right.

Speaker 3 You're doing great then.

Speaker 9 Were you going down the freeway at some point and perhaps got a little nervous and turned around and started going the other way, head on to traffic?

Speaker 86 I don't know, dude. It was honestly, I don't remember.
So, like, yeah, that's nice.

Speaker 80 Extreme head trauma. Yeah.

Speaker 40 So, okay, so Jarrett,

Speaker 114 you hit an 18-wheeler, so you had to go backlip with your parents.

Speaker 86 Right, yeah, because I had the neck brace and the crutches, like, I had to learn how to walk again, so they had to, like, you know, help me at the shower chair, but you know, all that stuff. Damn.

Speaker 109 All right. Sid, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 94 You're good looking, though.

Speaker 73 What good feels bad for you?

Speaker 68 Man, I know.

Speaker 98 I'm feeling it, man.

Speaker 15 You dress well.

Speaker 81 You have good stuff going on.

Speaker 33 What's your you have a good love life?

Speaker 2 That's a no. Yeah, definitely not.

Speaker 86 No, yeah.

Speaker 69 You dress well, but you're one unbutton from douchebag.

Speaker 73 But you look good.

Speaker 51 You also have a Norman Bates relationship with your mother. I worry that you can't.

Speaker 17 Mother, is this one good?

Speaker 22 No, mother. I like this one.

Speaker 10 What was the mom's name in that?

Speaker 92 What was that?

Speaker 72 Shit, I don't remember the mother.

Speaker 121 Oh, yeah, I forget it.

Speaker 41 Yeah, all right.

Speaker 86 Yeah, I'm close to my mom, dude.

Speaker 109 Fuck, I'm, yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude.

Speaker 82 Okay, all right.

Speaker 38 Jesus, we get it.

Speaker 135 We know.

Speaker 38 We know.

Speaker 14 She let you wear her pants to the show tonight.

Speaker 97 Jared, what do you do for work?

Speaker 86 I deliver blood from a blood bank to hospitals.

Speaker 125 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 45 Is that it?

Speaker 68 I feel like they...

Speaker 58 I don't see what the problem is. I don't...

Speaker 98 Oh, I see, because I hit a...

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 22 Ha ha ha ha. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 68 All right. I'll get.
All right.

Speaker 69 You might have saved that Mexican from earlier.

Speaker 71 He needed blood.

Speaker 42 This is so interesting, Jarrett. I find you to be an interesting, interesting person.

Speaker 28 I can tell that you're funny.

Speaker 72 Oh, thank God.

Speaker 58 I mean, you weren't, you weren't funny, but I can tell that in there is a funny guy.

Speaker 62 I can tell you have like funny motions and your timing and movement of funny is good.

Speaker 28 There's something in there.

Speaker 86 Well, thank you, Tony.

Speaker 34 Let me ask you again:

Speaker 28 if you were to do your funniest joke that you've written in the

Speaker 125 two

Speaker 125 years that you've been doing it,

Speaker 77 what do you think your go-to would be?

Speaker 62 It couldn't possibly be that crazy Kamala Harris impression.

Speaker 144 No, no.

Speaker 110 No. That was insane.

Speaker 88 Yes. That was just a racist impression of a black guy done by an extremely white guy.

Speaker 3 Really? Nothing Kamala Harris related at all.

Speaker 83 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 41 It was her lines in that case.

Speaker 36 Yeah, I was waiting for something about a candidacy or politics or something.

Speaker 41 And it went too long.

Speaker 22 If he was just like, hey, man, what did it look like?

Speaker 18 And that was the old impression. Oh, that's funny.

Speaker 51 But it was like, there's going to be something.

Speaker 18 Just notes.

Speaker 86 Noting all of this.

Speaker 133 In two years, I got to know, what would your,

Speaker 81 if, if, you know, Johnny Carson was here and he's like, I might want to have you on my show after Richard Pryor on a stolen television tonight.

Speaker 81 All I want to see is one joke, and I'll give you a spot.

Speaker 28 What would the joke be?

Speaker 80 Look out at the crowd. You're turning around again.

Speaker 86 I guess, Johnny, it'd be a clean joke.

Speaker 63 It doesn't have to be clean, but go ahead.

Speaker 42 Just pretend like you're on Kill Tony, the modern-day Johnny Carson, and do it to the intro.

Speaker 86 So, I don't know why people keep coming up to me and asking, like,

Speaker 86 they keep telling me, like, hey, I would never listen to a woman be president.

Speaker 86 And I'm like, dude,

Speaker 86 you listened to a groundhog tell you that there's six more weeks of winter.

Speaker 20 See how he danced with the music?

Speaker 15 There's a funny guy in there. There's a funny guy in there.

Speaker 76 Do you have funny friends?

Speaker 64 Do you hang out with funny people?

Speaker 68 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 86 Yeah, man.

Speaker 140 Three of them signed up tonight.

Speaker 86 We're all from fucking College Station. They're probably, you know, I feel bad that I'm not representing them accurately.

Speaker 119 But, like, yeah, they're all, you know, funny.

Speaker 51 I think you also made it weird when you said he wouldn't listen to a woman be president.

Speaker 119 The sentence was wrong.

Speaker 86 I don't know, man. I'm just thinking, like, if I'm dressed like I clearly listen to my mom a lot, like, and that's true.
So it was like, okay, then the irony, I don't know.

Speaker 121 Like, I clearly look like I have a terrible black voice.

Speaker 138 and then it's like kamala i thought had a pretty odd black i don't know both of those jokes were about a woman and then you're so you got this weird relationship with your mom like it's kind of fucking weird yeah this is yeah when's the last time you were in a relationship

Speaker 94 it's been

Speaker 38 Before we let you go, what's the craziest thing we should know about you, Jared?

Speaker 94 Your entire life.

Speaker 63 What's something wild?

Speaker 104 You've seen this show before.

Speaker 38 You know how the interview part of this show works.

Speaker 78 You're in it right now.

Speaker 104 What do you think would be something you would bring up?

Speaker 86 Well, I mean, that motorcycle accident was pretty fucking crazy.

Speaker 86 I would say what's crazier is the pity.

Speaker 86 I thought I was going to get pity fucked after.

Speaker 86 And she just laid a missionary, and I was in no position to like roll her over.

Speaker 3 This is your mom.

Speaker 7 Fiona.

Speaker 133 Oh, Fiona.

Speaker 125 Who was this girl?

Speaker 86 It was a girl that probably Freud would say reminded me of my mom, but I wouldn't. No,

Speaker 86 I wouldn't make that argument, no.

Speaker 83 But she was nice.

Speaker 29 And then what was crazier?

Speaker 31 So I made a joke.

Speaker 19 I made a joke. You go ahead.

Speaker 86 Yeah, well, so, yeah, I was in a neck brace. The doctor said the neck brace stays on during sex.
Well, I mean, he said it just doesn't come off. And I was like,

Speaker 86 well, I really want to take it off because I was like, you know, and so she,

Speaker 86 I thought, like, I was just going to lay there. And she instead laid there.

Speaker 23 And so I had to like.

Speaker 51 Who told you you have the gift of Gab?

Speaker 71 This is

Speaker 51 ridiculous storytelling.

Speaker 4 I have no idea what's happening.

Speaker 84 It's mom.

Speaker 22 I.

Speaker 41 It's not mom.

Speaker 22 I know that.

Speaker 28 Every time you talk, I have so many more questions.

Speaker 122 Dude, listen.

Speaker 28 Hold on a second. No, you listen.

Speaker 79 You listen to me.

Speaker 31 You listen to me.

Speaker 57 So you're hooking up with this chick.

Speaker 28 You have a neck brace on. Did you not think to go, hey, do you mind if fucking you get on top?

Speaker 86 Yeah, I just felt like I couldn't ask any. I felt like I was in no position to like demand or ask anything.
I don't know.

Speaker 81 Were you wearing those pants at the time?

Speaker 86 It was awkward, man. Yeah, it sucked.

Speaker 1 So what happened?

Speaker 62 You were on top and you were there with the neck brace, like fucking her.

Speaker 62 And you like can't look at her because your neck's like that.

Speaker 86 Yeah, so I'm like staring at the wall and shit.

Speaker 86 Well, I'm just like wearing this prison. And so

Speaker 86 it was a lot of work. And I couldn't feel anything in this leg.

Speaker 86 And it wasn't like I could go to my physical therapist and be like, hey.

Speaker 51 This was worse than being hit by a truck on a motorcycle.

Speaker 45 Well, dude, yeah,

Speaker 51 you know what's worse than that? And they just said like a weird almost fucked situation.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 95 The show almost over.

Speaker 69 My butt plug just fell out.

Speaker 22 I don't want to lose my weight.

Speaker 20 No, you're right, Bill. We're going to keep it moving.
Here's a little joke book for you.

Speaker 22 Jarrett Zeller,

Speaker 79 everybody. Jarrett Zeller.

Speaker 101 All right. I also want to plug my show.

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Speaker 38 Okay, we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, and you are in for a very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 38 Here to close tonight's show.

Speaker 20 I present to you,

Speaker 76 ladies and gentlemen, the one and only.

Speaker 88 This is Cam Patterson, everybody.

Speaker 88 Yeah,

Speaker 72 yeah.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah.

Speaker 136 He just did a fucked up impression of me. That pissed me the fuck off.

Speaker 136 How you gonna beat me before I go up, you dirty bitch? That made me angry as shit. And come on and say, what the fuck? I'm doing it right now, if you can tell.
That's my voice, bitch.

Speaker 136 It's good, though.

Speaker 72 You know what's funny?

Speaker 136 I feel good doing comedy, dog. I feel like I'm inspiring young black men to do better in life, dog.
That's not funny, bitch.

Speaker 136 That's good. I am.
Like, I was walking down down the street that day, a dude came up to me, said, But you understand, you gotta understand something, bro.

Speaker 136 Like, seeing your ass do stand up and shit, like, cutting out the trenches, black, that means want to change my life, like, real shit, dog. Like, yesterday was my last day ever selling throat.

Speaker 136 And I was like, that's beautiful, dog. Hell yeah.

Speaker 136 What do you do now?

Speaker 136 And he was like, I just do security and logistics.

Speaker 136 And I was like, what the fuck does that mean? And he said, nigga, I'm a pimp. I sell pussy.

Speaker 136 Which is insane.

Speaker 136 Because, like, I don't even, I don't think I helped him at all, dog.

Speaker 136 He went from drug trafficking to sex trafficking, nigga, that's crazy. That's worse, actually.

Speaker 136 I like telling that joke because half of y'all laugh because that's funny. And the rest of y'all was like, how the fuck this nigga know the word logistics?

Speaker 51 And

Speaker 147 I'm done.

Speaker 3 Cam Patterson

Speaker 107 has

Speaker 7 done it again.

Speaker 22 Bill Maher.

Speaker 69 Cam, were you named after those things that follow you around every store you're in?

Speaker 136 Who the fuck is Bill Maher, nigga?

Speaker 119 It's an old N-word.

Speaker 69 I don't want to say it again. I just scream it in my pillow at night.
I don't want to say it on live TV again.

Speaker 69 I got in trouble.

Speaker 51 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 43 Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 73 Oh, Cam, always hilarious.

Speaker 94 but thank you.

Speaker 51 I gotta ask you where you're from because I don't know where you're from, but wherever it is, your voice is from there.

Speaker 119 I'm from Orlando. Orlando.

Speaker 136 Yeah.

Speaker 136 The west side.

Speaker 51 Hell yeah.

Speaker 136 Hell yeah.

Speaker 77 What's the difference between the west side and the rest of Orlando?

Speaker 147 Can you?

Speaker 136 Well, it's the west side and it's the east side and a lot of Puerto Ricans and shit over there. And then

Speaker 136 the west side is black.

Speaker 51 Perfect. Where's Disney?

Speaker 136 See, this.

Speaker 136 Thank you for asking. But Disney not in fucking Orlando, dog.
Disney is 30 minutes away in Kissimmee.

Speaker 44 Wow. Bullshit.

Speaker 22 Yeah, it's fucked up.

Speaker 136 Everybody go, Orlando is Disney. No, the fuck, we not.

Speaker 67 Wow.

Speaker 136 Fucking, fuck, fuck Disney World, nigga.

Speaker 136 I hate Disney World.

Speaker 51 Orlando, it ain't Disney out here. Yeah.

Speaker 38 What's on the south side of Orlando?

Speaker 58 I don't know what that's.

Speaker 136 I don't know where that's at.

Speaker 15 You never drove through there down there.

Speaker 3 No one knows where that is.

Speaker 27 How about the north side?

Speaker 94 Neither. Wow.

Speaker 136 One way south, one way north. Who knows?

Speaker 19 You just pointed right and left.

Speaker 87 So I'm getting the feeling that you're not exactly sure

Speaker 19 what north and south mean.

Speaker 3 Correct.

Speaker 31 One way is north, the other way is south.

Speaker 121 Incredible.

Speaker 3 Incredible.

Speaker 34 That's blowing my mind.

Speaker 138 Why does everyone think it's Orlando?

Speaker 147 What's crazy?

Speaker 136 It was 30 minutes away, so it's easy to be like, oh, it's Orlando.

Speaker 97 And then it's at Kissimmee.

Speaker 22 That's the airport because that's the airport you're flying.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 136 So everybody will say, yeah, yeah, it's an Orlando, but it's not. They keep Disney away from niggas like me, man.

Speaker 51 Yeah. Far away from niggas like me.

Speaker 72 Okay. What? For real, though.
No, yeah, no. I know.

Speaker 63 The last thing.

Speaker 81 The last thing.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 136 I'm a good guy, nah.

Speaker 136 I do comedy.

Speaker 114 Absolutely.

Speaker 136 Type shit. That's my uncle.

Speaker 20 Absolutely.

Speaker 114 But you would go to Disney World a lot, right?

Speaker 140 Fuck no, fuck Disney World. Why?

Speaker 136 It's pussy. It's for kids, man.

Speaker 136 And any grown adult that likes disney past the age of four is fucking gay

Speaker 79 it's an arguable wow it's a lot of gay five and six year olds out there

Speaker 136 it's not wrong i hate that what i want to ask about the new disney stuff what is

Speaker 17 there's a lot of there's a lot of uh

Speaker 3 there's a lot of tron

Speaker 136 right okay there you go about tron

Speaker 110 that's a way to all right You gotta get that Tron thing in there.

Speaker 8 Do you own stock in Tron or something?

Speaker 81 Just say Tron.

Speaker 51 Brian, we gotta work on your black people's small thing.

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 84 What about Tron?

Speaker 121 Sounds like one of your people.

Speaker 17 Tron.

Speaker 136 I know it's Tron. My cousin ain't Natron.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 122 Natron? Yeah, real shit.

Speaker 97 That's hilarious. That's real shit.

Speaker 136 Really? His name is Natron, yeah.

Speaker 21 Like in your phone, it says Natron?

Speaker 136 Yeah, I think I've

Speaker 28 wow. Oh, my goodness.
You're getting your.

Speaker 97 I saw you on Instagram.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 72 Natron.

Speaker 63 That sounds about right.

Speaker 21 Natron Jenkins wide receiver, University of Alabama.

Speaker 136 What that shit right there? Look.

Speaker 22 Oh, my God.

Speaker 109 Natron, yeah.

Speaker 22 Wow. Yeah, my cousin.

Speaker 97 His real name, nigga.

Speaker 44 Spelled how you think.

Speaker 51 Three apostrophes, like Flavor Flave, David.

Speaker 30 So parentheses in there for some reason.

Speaker 22 Only at the end, though.

Speaker 93 What does an Atron do for a living?

Speaker 147 He do a lot of shit.

Speaker 136 Well, I got to stop talking about him on this show because last time he got fired.

Speaker 136 But

Speaker 136 he do a bouncy house shit, shit like that. A what? Like about he got a bouncy house business.

Speaker 84 A bouncy house business?

Speaker 56 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 119 Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 22 Holy shit. Hell yeah.

Speaker 38 What Benny Boy would have done for a bouncy house while trying to steal a television.

Speaker 65 Can you imagine?

Speaker 136 That was hilarious, dog. That's crazy.
That old nigga crazy.

Speaker 38 No one loves a good stealing someone's TV story as much as...

Speaker 122 I was just like, whoa, this is genius.

Speaker 54 Wait till they eat the sandwich.

Speaker 17 I never thought about that, man.

Speaker 29 You're like, this guy's a logistics genius.

Speaker 38 Unbelievable.

Speaker 32 Cam, you're a superstar.

Speaker 7 Another rock solid minute. You've done it again.

Speaker 7 We love you. He's on tour.
He's fucking killing it all around the world, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 34 E-Belt is in Bill Maher, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 7 Am I right? Tune in.

Speaker 7 He is repping Kyle Dunagan.

Speaker 144 Kyle Dunne.

Speaker 69 Tune into my show. Next week, we have Oprah Winfrey and the Storage Wars cast.

Speaker 69 So check out my real-time show.

Speaker 20 Bill Maher, you are the man.

Speaker 38 Kyle Dunne is on tour. Kyle Dunagan famously did an RFK Jr.

Speaker 57 impression on this show, which was absolutely incredible.

Speaker 34 We love Kyle Dunnegan.

Speaker 38 It's amazing that we have that in common, that we love Kyle Dunnegan.

Speaker 95 That's fantastic.

Speaker 28 Kyle Dunnegan.com.

Speaker 22 How about a big hand to the great Big J Okerson, everybody?

Speaker 7 Them, they.

Speaker 7 Them is out now on YouTube at Big J Okerson. They comes out in April.

Speaker 37 Big J, our big brother from another mother in New York.

Speaker 83 We've always said that.

Speaker 51 I love you, my man. Thank you so much for having me on.
Short notice, too. I appreciate it.
Thank you.

Speaker 36 Absolutely.

Speaker 21 Truly one of the greats.

Speaker 7 Big J Okerson, Bill Maher slash Kyle Dunne.

Speaker 23 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew while we were goofing around. Ooh, Ari Maddie.

Speaker 71 Look at that. Wow.

Speaker 7 Who couldn't make it?

Speaker 76 Violently ill in the final minutes before the show.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 27 He's doing the Lord's work touring the country out there.

Speaker 89 All these guys are working so hard.

Speaker 38 We have a massive announcement that is happening

Speaker 135 right now.

Speaker 21 I can't even say it right now, but when this episode is out, check out the Kill Tony Show Instagram and our own Instagrams, and you're going to see what we're announcing.

Speaker 97 If not right now, then tomorrow.

Speaker 27 So it's a huge announcement.

Speaker 63 No.

Speaker 10 No, I can't announce it now.

Speaker 38 You're gonna find out with everybody else.

Speaker 63 This lady's seriously mad.

Speaker 30 Why the fuck would you fucking do that to us?

Speaker 74 I can't even get that.

Speaker 35 God, I can't imagine being your boyfriend.

Speaker 38 Look at this poor guy.

Speaker 88 God, what do you go through, sir?

Speaker 35 Is it really worth it?

Speaker 67 My god, that's sad.

Speaker 15 Express VPN, ZipRecruiter, and prize picks.

Speaker 38 We thank you, unbelievable sponsors that keep the whole thing running.

Speaker 20 Shout out to Bones Eye, working overtime, kicking out these joke books available at killmerch.com.

Speaker 7 A ton of new unbelievable merch.

Speaker 19 The new dark Kill Tony hat, which I love,

Speaker 38 is now for sale. There's a new fucking Kill Tony thermoses.

Speaker 60 There's a whole bunch of fun shit out there.

Speaker 33 Killmerch.com.

Speaker 17 And the tour dates are,

Speaker 37 yeah, you're going to find out. There you go.

Speaker 41 Big

Speaker 7 global announcement coming tomorrow or tonight if you're a comedy fan you have to check out skank fest this year it's in new orleans you gotta go go to skank fest get your tickets fucking amazing sells out immediately so make sure you uh get it while you can and check out everything kyle dunagan follow him on instagram and all social media same with big j check out their specials see them on tour audience we love you thank you for coming to austin texas god bless you and God bless the United States of America.

Speaker 7 Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 153 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 153 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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