#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony Edgeland!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Wow,

how exciting you are here at Kill Tony, everybody.

Make some noise for Brian Redband.

There he is.

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That is Big Mike live in the flesh.

That is the real Big Mike.

I know what you're thinking.

He doesn't look that big.

Well, the podcast adds two feet.

This is the sweet, sweet Matt Muelling behind us, dressed like a bum next to a barrel fire.

This is the great John Dees.

The hair is connected to the hat.

Fun fact.

And that is D-Madness wearing his finest pajamas this evening.

It is incredible.

He rolled right out of bed.

Right out of bed to be here tonight.

We are going to have so much goddamn fun.

I can feel it in the air.

Do you guys feel it?

It feels like a hot crowd.

I see a lot of goddamn Latinos out here hiding from ISIS right now.

You cannot get deported at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club.

It's impossible.

You're protected.

In fact, we're all going to give you, all we're going to give all the Latinos in the room a little hand stamp.

To protect you since we're all part of the current administration of the United States of America now you will be protected as long as the hand stamp doesn't wash off.

So you can't do any hard work for

all right.

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You guys ready to start tonight's show, huh?

Wow, wow, wow.

You guys are here for another legendary episode of the show.

This is an incredible, incredible booking.

My mind is blown at the fun that is about to happen.

One of the guests is one of the most legendary guests in the history of the show, one of the most utilized guests and who I consider to be a king of New York City visiting.

The other guest is one of the most legendary comedians of all time who's never been on the show before.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guests.

Wow.

Holy shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Bill Maher and Big Jay Ogerson.

Bill Maher!

Bill Maher!

Big Jay Hokerson!

Oh

my gosh!

How exciting is this?

Okay.

Calm down.

Calm down, people.

I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little circus here.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm a big fan of this show.

You've never been on before, Bill.

I've always wanted to book you.

You're one of the few big comedians that I've never been able to have on.

I love this show, though.

What was your name again, Simon?

I'm Tony.

Why is the band so close to me?

Tony, you know, I have a little rule to not have my back to black people.

Oh, well, I'm kidding.

You're all right.

The one we're directly behind you is blind, so he doesn't know exactly where you are.

I love my Sharia more, by the way.

Great song.

That's a Stevie Wonder.

That's D-Madness.

Those are two different blind black men.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know all my blind people.

I guess I'm a big asshole.

Welcome, Bill.

And Big J Okerson is back.

Well, Bill Maher insists on promoting Kyle Dunnegan.com, who Kyle famously played RFK Jr.

and is one of the great comedians in the world.

He's my favorite.

I love him.

How did you and Kyle Dunnegan become so?

I just am a huge fan of his comedy.

You can go online and if you Google Kyle Dunnegan Pill Maher, you'll see what a huge fan I am.

I love it.

And Kyle Dunagan is on tour right now, so make sure you get tickets at Kyle Dunagan.com.

Big J has a brand new special out.

Them, they is out now.

Them is out now.

They comes out in April, and that is on YouTube.

YouTube.

Big Jay Okerson.

Truly

two of the best comedians working today.

Big Jay, you've been on numerous times.

We're so happy to have you back.

I'm happy to be back, man.

Austin, Texas, a bunch of fucking weirdos across the street at a bar, right?

Yep.

They are waiting.

Over 200 lonely souls waiting, hoping, praying for the opportunity.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

which interrupts their set.

And then I conduct an interview.

We all fucking try to help them out, find out more about them, find out what's interesting about their lives.

The whole thing is improvised.

Have you ever seen this show before, Bill?

You know, I haven't, but I'm a huge fan of the.

I see the clips, you know.

I have a black hooker here who's a huge fan.

She's waiting in the green room, so I have to make this kind of quick.

She charges about a Bitcoin an hour, so I want to hurry it up.

Well, plus, I'm actually a little

high right now.

A little, who am I kidding?

I'm higher than a Sherpa pussy.

You don't know Sherpas?

They're in a high altitude.

They bring fat people's stuff up Mount Everest.

Wow, this is exactly how I've always expected Bill Maher to be.

This is incredible.

I can't believe Bill Maher is here.

While we go wrangle that comedian, the first bucket pull from across the street, we have someone special here to start tonight's show.

It has been a long time since we've seen this young man, ladies and gentlemen.

A Kill Tony Hall of Famer,

former

regular.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute.

Sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Good to be here.

I'm glad the election is over.

That shit was horrible.

Now the only campaign I have to worry about is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me.

I, uh, you know, I can't wait for the grocery store prices to go down as soon as we're done kicking out all the people that grow our groceries for us.

Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight.

I don't get why Trump blames immigrants so much.

How are they to blame?

They just got here.

They had no time to fuck anything up.

These people who have been here a while, maybe they're the problem, huh?

These fucking Native Americans.

They had their turn.

Thank you guys so much.

Wow.

Exactly one minute.

Oh, my God.

Hans Kim.

Thank you, Tony.

Back in front of everybody here.

By the way, you didn't do the land acknowledgement.

Don't you, TikTokers, like to do a land acknowledgement before the show?

Wait, what does that mean?

Well, he brought up the Indian people.

You don't know about land acknowledgements?

No.

Come on.

Yeah, you do.

Every time you do a show, you're supposed to thank Indians for letting us do a show.

You say this club was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapaca people or whatever.

And then,

you know,

you go, you know, this is their land that we stole, and they are never

getting it back.

That's what you do.

That's what TikTokers do.

All right, band, relax.

Jesus Christ.

I found that offensive.

The drums was a little much.

It's wild.

You got this place.

I made a point, and then they made it offensive.

Hans Kim.

It has been a while.

You're back.

It was a solid minute.

Big Jay, what do you think about this sweet boy?

I haven't seen Hans in a while, and I will say

he's getting too handsome for comedy.

Whoa.

Thank you.

Yeah, success is looking good on him.

He's fashionably mismatched.

What?

I mean, it's all autumn colors, but it's all of the autumn colors.

Your hair is coming in nice.

You look fantastic.

Thank you, Big Jay.

This is a compliment underneath all of it.

I promise.

You would make a beautiful woman.

Have you said that before to him?

Now he does.

You want to go trance.

Yeah.

That's what the kids are doing, you know.

They just play go fish with their genitalia now.

That's the big thing.

They're going to go.

Asian is the best starting point for a good trans move, though.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I mean, thousands of dollars of electrolysis you don't have to spend.

They're beautiful, man.

You are very hairless, Hans.

Is this true?

Yes.

I'm sleek.

Yes.

Aerodynamic like a dolphin, I'm guessing.

Yeah, no doubt about it.

What are your pubes like, Hans?

Oh, they're a mess right now.

Oh, I bet.

They look like a pile of pad tie down there.

They're Japanese porn level right now.

Oh, yeah.

It looks like you're.

But they're pinned straight, right?

Yeah, it's straight hair.

It's amazing.

Your Asian pubes are totally straight?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's incredible.

Gets in the way.

It overtakes my dick in like five months.

Oh,

that's because it's a keratin.

Yeah.

And having the dick of a five-month-old.

Do you ever decorate it since you can do things with your pubes?

Do you ever do like haircuts or perhaps like a Big J Mohawk type of look or spiky?

Ever put gel in it?

I usually just go clean-shaven.

I did the Hitler once as a joke.

She was not on board.

She's Jewish.

Ah,

indeed.

It's like a Holocaust down there.

Wow.

If I was Asian, I would put a dragon condom on my wiener.

When you unfroze, it's like one of those dragon costumes that 18 people get in.

Yeah.

Yeah, for the new year.

Yeah.

Have you ever done anything like that, Hans?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, of course.

Maybe some lanterns.

I'm just thinking out loud.

Yeah.

Yeah, incredible.

You ever do like the chopsticks thing down there or anything?

Like a ponytail type thing?

Why balls?

I don't know.

What else is going on in life, Hans?

I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana, doing the little

big Summit City Comedy Club.

There was a guy there in a full Confederate flag track suit.

Holy shit.

That's custom.

Yeah, where do you get that?

Yeah.

I thought it was a new Kanye merch.

Yeah.

Either way you slice it, one of your people made it.

Either they made it or they dry cleaned it, one or the other.

We'll figure it out.

A Confederate tracksuit sounds like something Kid Rock gives you if you get wet at his house.

He's like, oh, dude, my clothes are soaking wet.

He goes, that's cool.

Go grab a Confederate tracksuit

out of the guest closet.

No doubt about it.

You ever meet Kid Rock?

Never.

Talk Kid Walk.

Well, Hans, anything else we should know about about before letting you go?

I was on Dr.

Phil Live, amazing show.

It was at Salt Lake City.

Yeah.

Talked about soaking a lot.

Okay.

What about soaking?

Apparently you lay on the bed and then someone jumps up like a Tempur-Peda commercial.

Shake the bed.

Yeah, you can't move.

Moving is fornication.

It's against God, so you have to just put it in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then a third person jumps on the bed?

Yeah.

I didn't know that part.

Yeah, I've never heard of the jumping on the bed part either.

That might have been a

they sit there and shake the bed really hard to try to get you to fuck.

Yeah, it doesn't necessarily matter what they're doing in the bed.

It was the fact that there was other people in there facilitating the motions.

That's wild.

All right.

You guys just talked about it.

You didn't do it?

No, we didn't have sex on stage.

All right, Hans.

Well, you got spoiler alert.

I was going to watch.

Hans, you got tonight's show started.

It has begun.

All thanks to you, the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

And now it has begun.

And we go to the bucket, which has a mind of its own, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh-oh,

there she is, live in the flesh.

The one and only Heidi.

No, that's not the DEI I was hoping for.

I might get him a little darker.

All right.

Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Gabriel Kerr, everyone.

Here we go.

Gabriel Kerr.

I saw an ad on a porn site recently, and there's just a guy standing there by himself, completely naked, right?

And he's got his dick in one hand.

and a Pringles party stack can in the other.

And they're the same size.

So now I'm not watching porn, obviously.

I'm googling how big that fucking Pringles can is.

Save you guys the trouble.

16 inches.

It's a lot of fucking Pringles.

You know what I'm saying?

Do the math on that.

That's two 8-inch dicks.

That's two good dicks.

I feel like you guys need a visual.

I could stand here tonight with that Pringles can and fuck it.

And then another guy with the same size dick as me

could fuck the other side.

And there'd still be a stack of Pringles in the center.

And it'd be safe to eat.

Gabriel Kerr.

With a minute and some change.

Welcome.

It's been a long time.

You've been on the show numerous times before.

Welcome back, Gabriel.

Thank you.

It's been a long time.

It's been like three years.

Welcome, welcome.

That was a good set.

Thank you.

You've been working hard on your stand-up comedy?

Yes.

Okay.

You still live here in Austin?

I do.

What do you do for work?

Just this.

You just do stand-up?

Yeah, I had a rental property, but it's no longer a good business.

It's no longer in business?

A good business.

Okay.

What happened to the business?

Why is it no longer a good business?

Because the fucking rates are through the goddamn roof.

Interest rates?

Yeah.

Yep.

So it's not profitable for you.

Do you still have it?

What are you doing with it?

Breaking even.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

This is like Mad Money with Jim Kramer, except

very unprofitable version of the show.

Incredible.

So, Gabriel, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Five years.

Five years.

How old are you?

41.

And how do you make money doing this?

I produce a couple shows in town.

Okay.

And they do good.

They're weekly shows?

Okay.

Guys, have you ever seen anything quite as adorable as Gabriel Kerr?

Yeah, me.

I want to hire this guy to go to malls with me and try on clothes so I don't have to be embarrassed first.

Do I look good in this?

Your set was very funny, but mostly I was thinking like, I guess I could pull off a white track suit.

It's fun to find out.

We look great, dude.

Fuck the haters.

We look great.

Look at this.

Wow.

Over my hoodie.

I know two guys that are going to fuck a Pringles can tonight together.

Hey, man.

I'll be honest with you.

I could be another friend.

And honestly, if my dick hits the Pringles, I'll eat the first few.

Whatever comes out of my pre-jiz, I'll eat.

Hell yeah.

It says plain, but they taste like French onion.

This is sour cream and bleach.

Gabriel, what else is going on in your world, huh?

What else is going on in life?

I found out four months ago that I'm Jewish.

Whoa, four months ago.

Wow, how did you find this out four months ago?

That's how good Jews are hiding there was

there's one in here for 40 years but how did you find out uh my grandfather died and my grandmother told my dad that she's jewish and had been like hiding it from him her whole life

wow yeah i kind of see it

yeah there it is no doubt about it And you got the yarmulke on your head right now, too.

You had to push it down a little.

Are you happy about the news?

I feel like you said it like you just got terrible news.

Yeah, because I'm not.

We're not making any money on my investment properties.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

Clearly, I'm not a good Jew.

So like 23 of me called and they wouldn't give you the results.

They were like, no, you got to come in.

What?

I just want to know, am I Irish or what?

He goes, we just need you to come to the office, please.

We've got terrible news for you.

Put your house in order.

You're Jewish.

My goodness.

This is incredible so you found out four months ago did your grandpa leave you money

no

I thought he was Jewish yeah he took it with him

to the grave

wow

absolutely incredible uh you still have you still like have like this crazy love life I kind of remember right like threesomes or cockery or something right

remind us what was it again my wife and I fuck other women your wife and you fuck other women are you guys still doing that yeah and that's working Yeah.

Okay.

Works great for me.

Yeah.

Okay.

And when's the last time you did that?

Six months ago.

All right.

Is it Reddit that you find these people?

No, there's

apps just for that.

Really?

They are called.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Redman wants to know so that he can nuclear catfish a couple.

I'll just be in the kitchen.

You guys do your thing.

Wow.

What he's trying to say politely, Tony, is these girls are fat.

Yeah.

Is it true, the bigger girls?

No.

Do you ever do the pegging thing?

Have you ever tried that?

No, I have a dick.

Well, you have what?

I have a dick.

You can still get pegged.

I have a butt plug in right now in about a half hour.

No, it's, oh, oh, like, Bill Maher is the only one keeping the butt plug industry alive.

A lot of people do it.

There's a plaque prostitute in the green room controlling it from her phone right now.

Oh, God, you'll get right.

I'm going to have a prostate orgasm in a few minutes.

And I am a squirter.

I love it.

Gabriel, you already have a big joke book, right?

There he goes.

Gabriel Kerr, ladies and gentlemen, on to the next one.

we go.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

We're in for a treat.

This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest door guys here at the mothership and one of the funniest of the top young rising comedians in the world.

This is a good, fun

chance for the world to get to see.

And I don't know what kind of minute he's going to do, but this is one of our favorite up-and-coming young comedians.

Make some noise for the great and powerful Miles Johnson, everybody.

Hello.

This is an impression of a guy who's trying to be threatening, but he forgot his gun.

Are we gonna have a fucking problem here, pal?

You wanna to take it here, dip shit?

Shit like that.

I've been jerking my dick crazy.

I've been watching these J-O-I videos.

Have you guys seen these?

J-O-I?

Yeah?

Alright, a lot of guys playing Ray Charles right now.

That's all right.

That's all good.

It's cool.

It's always white ladies, though.

I noticed.

It's always white ladies in the J-O-I videos.

Short for jerk-off instruction, by the way.

For cowards and women, it's short for jerk-off instruction.

Can I finish it?

Yeah.

Okay.

I think it's always white ladies in the J-O-I videos.

I think it'd be cool if it was an old black lady.

Go ahead and beat your dick off now, baby.

Come on, now.

Mm-hmm, come on, baby.

You're doing all this J-O-I.

you need to get a J-O-B.

That's what you need to get.

You nasty ass little freaky dicky ass mother.

Wow.

Miles motherfucking Johnson, everybody.

Thank you.

Yeah, absolutely incredible.

What you see is what you get.

Miles is hilarious and a very, very nice boy.

Thanks.

Yeah, he's a nice guy.

Yeah, I'm kind of,

yeah, I'm kind of like that.

Yeah, yeah,

as much as I like you, Miles.

I know almost nothing about you.

You've worked here for a couple years and we've all been doing comedy together.

You're very, very funny.

And so tell us, what's up?

What do you do when you're not doing stand-up and or working here?

Usually I'm hanging with my bitch.

I wish I could do impressions of a black guy like you do.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

I mean,

I do it.

Everybody's like, whoa.

I think it's cool.

Go for it.

Oh, I'm so black.

What is that?

Is that you?

What's going on back there?

Oh, I'm so black.

John.

John, you having your own sound effects is becoming an immediate...

What do you mean it is?

Okay.

Oh, I'm so black.

That is me.

That is me.

That's from

the British black rapper.

Turned out he was like a famous rapper, by the way.

Guy in the front row.

Oh, I'm so black.

It's time for some rap music.

And that beat dropped and it's like a historical moment in the history of this show.

White guys were dancing.

Whoa.

Miles, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

Other than your face and hair.

Probably my skin and then...

He's throwing you the lob to say dick.

Oh, God.

Let's just take the body out of it.

Let's just take the skin and body out of it.

What are you?

Are you like a point guard or something like that?

Yeah, I can play the one and the five

basketball joke.

Yeah.

Miles has to, you got to give context to your things before you say them.

They didn't get that basketball reference.

When you said J-O-I,

I knew what you meant, but I'm a piece of shit.

And a lot of the crowd didn't, but it is a weird way when you give, it's too common for you.

That's more the thing you worry about when you say things like that.

Yeah.

Like I was giving a girl a, you know, a French toaster the other day, and just moving on from it without explaining that.

You're like, you guys never heard of that before?

Yeah.

Jerk off instruction.

Is that your jam?

Well, I've been, I mean, I've been watching them.

I never learned how.

I didn't have a

fucking dad.

It's funny that you think that's what dads do.

Yeah, is that what I was going to say?

Is that what black people think dads do?

I didn't have a fucking dad.

I never thought I got learned how to jerk off.

So your mom had to be your mom and your dad.

It's tough, dude.

I was trying that shit.

Hell yeah.

Rubbing the old clit.

I don't know.

Rub it till it feels good.

Mom, this shit doesn't fucking work, mom.

I'm being so nasty right now.

Just rubbing the old Cryptorus.

Miles, what else?

Any other hobbies or fun things that you're into?

You seem like the kind of guy that,

you know,

chess club or something like that.

Chess club, bro.

The fuck?

That looks swole as fuck.

No, I mean, I mean, I like, I meditate and shit.

It's not funny.

It's badass.

I like meditate and meditate.

Did you get into that in prison or something something like that?

Normally.

Yeah.

I used to be a black disciple and then.

I don't know.

I tried to riff.

I don't know how to do it.

You're good.

You're not.

I like this guy.

You do?

Do you have a younger sister or niece

asking for a friend?

I do, but why?

Do you want to.

Nothing, never mind.

You want to tell her a little bit.

I'm my black hooker to hear anyway.

Let's move on.

Bill Maher.

Bill Maher likes black women.

Yeah, you can Google it.

Yeah.

It's well known.

It is.

Everyone, you know, likes their thing.

Would you fuck Wendy Williams?

Absolutely.

That's badass.

I would fuck Cantana Brown Jackson.

Okay.

This audience doesn't know who that is.

That's why you didn't laugh.

Miles, Miles, Miles.

You are incredible.

You are fantastic.

You've done it again.

Miles, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You already have one of these?

You don't?

There it is.

Boom.

Big joke book for Miles Johnson.

And the show continues.

And your next bucket pull goes by the name of Eve Ellenbogan.

Eve Ellenbogen.

Make some noise for Eve, everybody.

Hi.

I'm Eve.

I moved here to Austin like a year ago from New York, which makes me better than everybody.

And I don't really blend in very well in Austin.

People tell me that, that I have like a real New York vibe, which I think is them being like, you're such a fucking Jew.

You're such a dirty little Jew.

And I'm like, I know, spit on me.

Make me come.

Any other Jews allowed in here?

Yeah,

in the back.

I'm not

a religious Jew.

I'm just a New York Jew, which is like Jewish, but just for business purposes only.

So I don't follow the Jew rules.

I eat bacon.

I love, love foreskin.

Just,

you know, together is the best way on a bagel.

It's like a sandwich, you know, it's like a BFT, right?

Like bacon, foreskin, tears.

Living in Austin has changed me a little bit.

I never used to say retarded, but now I say retarded.

In New York, we don't say that.

We're better.

But then I moved to Texas, and almost everyone is retarded.

Boom, there you go.

Everyone is retarded.

Eve Ellen Bogan, Bill Marr.

Well,

you're, now that you're in Texas, you seem to be a bit of a floozy.

Nothing wrong with that.

But I have a bit of advice for you.

Yeah.

Do you know what a Mexican abortion is?

No.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, you're inevitably going to get pregnant, okay?

And

when you get knocked up by a child,

to get a Mexican abortion, you get knocked up by

a Mexican, and then ICE will get rid of the baby for you.

It just makes the whole process easier.

Cool, that's a good tip.

Thank you.

I try to help.

And I guess it's like free, which is like a Jew thing.

Exactly.

Yeah, so that's good.

You guys don't like the Jew jokes.

I don't think we like Jews.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the vibe I got when you said I'm Jewish, and one guy wooed, and then someone shut him down.

Yeah.

He was like, woo, and somebody went,

Welcome, Eve.

This is your first time on the show.

Yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

12 years.

12

years.

Almost all of that in New York?

No.

I started when I lived in Korea.

I lived in South Korea.

You lived in South Korea.

I can kind of see that with the haircut.

Yeah.

Very South Korean haircut.

Hans Kim was up here with the exact same hairstyle just minutes ago.

The first time I met Hans, I spoke to him in Korean and he got hard.

It was like,

I think it was like because it reminded him of his mom.

you know, so it was like.

Did you see his dick come out of his pubes?

No,

it's hard.

You really got to spread them.

Why were you in Korea?

I spent my 20s teaching English in Korea.

I'm 40 now.

What made you want to do that?

I just didn't want to have like a normal, I just didn't want to be in the U.S.

So I

was going on, yeah.

Well, I guess I grew up and I knew that I would leave.

My mom died when I was a kid and I was like, I got to to get out of here.

How old were you when your mom died?

Stop trying to fuck me, Jay.

I was seven when she died.

How did she die?

She died from a brain tumor.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

Shut up, brain tubers.

Does that like make me like, does that make me kind of like retard it?

Like,

seven is such

a wild age to have that happen.

Wait, did she like explain to you what was happening?

She, no, she was very sick from when I was like five.

You guys want to hear this, right?

Yeah.

When I was like five, she's stopping him.

She was like a lawyer.

She's very smart.

All this stuff.

Fuck you, Red Band.

And then she.

Bill Barr's jerking off.

It's the butt bug.

And then

she was very sick from when you were five.

Yeah, so I can't tell you with this music.

You can't.

It's so cute.

Trust me, the music makes it.

All right.

So then she couldn't speak anymore.

She was like, and she wasn't really kind of there anymore.

And so she didn't tell.

I knew from other people, but you don't really get it.

So there was a period of time when you're in kindergarten, learning words and colors and everything.

I was like learning how to spell my name.

And meanwhile, your mom was...

unlearning how to misspell her name at the same time.

So you got to pass up your mom in real time.

You know what?

I never thought.

Speaking of real time, Bill Maher is here here

every Tuesday.

I never thought of it, but you're right.

She was very smart, and for a period of time, I was smarter.

That's thank you, Tony.

You moved to Korea because you wore the triadal.

That's

low-risk anal.

Low-main anal.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello.

Low-banal?

Mom says goodbye, and you say hello.

Mom says goodbye and I say hello.

Hello, hello.

Your mom is looking up at us right now, laughing.

I'm kidding.

She's looking up.

I'm kidding.

She's not in hell.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

She's in heaven.

Was she Jewish, too?

She's Jewish.

She's looking up at us right now.

I love it.

What's dad like?

My dad is turning 90 next month.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at this guy putting your mom to shame in years it's incredible

what a dream that guy 40 years of being single without having to go through divorce or nothing dude incredible

uh he's he's um he's very funny that's like where it's you know our whole family kind of gets from my dad he always james um mckann was is like we love a friend of mine and he loves a joke that my dad told him yeah which i hate let's hear it it was just a quick thing and i was like um

you know his voice was going and he goes sorry, I'm a little horse.

I'm a pony.

And that's the one.

Wow, that is a wacky joke.

James will say it.

He'll be like, I'm a little horse.

I'm a pony.

Because my dad has a fun, Jewy way of saying it.

I wish he was going to say an Edward joke or something.

No, no, no.

No, he doesn't have any race jokes, but there's so many sex jokes.

And I have to.

be like, stop.

You're 90.

I don't want to know you this way.

I love it.

That's what I tell him.

He's retired, obviously.

Yes.

What did he do for work?

He did a bunch of things, like first in math stuff, then he owned a little publishing company, then he went to art dealing and then controlling the media.

Absolutely.

He just did the tour of Jewish work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now he's just running the banks.

And to think, Gabriel found out he was Jewish only four months ago.

He only had a dad like yours.

I love it, Eve.

So that's fun.

So now you live in Austin for the last year.

Yeah, I live in Austin.

East Austin?

No, I live.

Why?

Because my hair?

Yeah.

Is that why?

So my hair, my bangs are not usually this severe.

I did like a taping the other day.

What happened?

Did you?

D-madness.

Have you been giving free bang cuts lately?

That definitely feels like a boyfriend cheated.

She did it herself on a few years.

I did my treatment.

Is this your Trump's in office?

No, I don't want to fuck guys or you're not.

Spirit.

No.

No, it's like, it's the end of the world.

I'm so horny all the time.

But no,

I did a little taping thing on Friday

and I panicked because I get anxious.

And so I was like on the phone just cutting my bangs.

And then I went, I think I did okay.

And then it

doesn't look that great.

But it'll grow in.

That's what you learn when you have bangs.

It's crazy to do alone yourself and super crazy to do while on the phone.

Yeah.

You have like one-handed.

It was, yeah, it was crazy.

Like I was, I was like, I'm in a moment.

You know, when you're in a moment and you're like, this is, it's this or cut myself.

And I did the bangs.

Did you think about putting it on speakerphone and setting the phone down I was I know I was like in a moment it was like I have to do this right now she's trying to live on the edge it's the one step between this and suicide you don't have

it is you don't have anxiety like I don't really get crazy anxiety but when I get it it's like a full like I'm not here right now

Are you on medicine for that?

No.

Okay.

How do you handle it?

What do you, what are your, I cut my bangs.

That's one way to do it.

You're a cutter.

Yeah, exactly.

I just, I mean, I journal.

I do a little yoga.

No, I don't know.

I just fucking panic.

Yell at me ears a lot.

You should be better.

You busy.

No, if I talk to the mirror, listen, I'm like a real basic bitch in some ways.

If I talk to the mirror, I'm like, you're doing great.

Like, that's what I take to the mirror.

And then I'm like, you just cut those bangs.

And then I have to deal with you being like, what's going on?

Well, everybody's thinking it.

I know.

You just happened to sign up for my shit.

I know.

It was.

If you were on politically incorrect, Bill Maher would literally be asking you about those bangs.

So, listen, it's fair.

It's fair.

There's a picture of me as a kid where I did the exact same thing, but that was because my mother was dead.

And oh,

you feel so bad.

You're so sad about it.

I love your bangs.

It's very three stoogies.

Thanks for my bags.

Oh, it's like you're looking over a fence upside down at me.

It has to do with how I feel in the moment.

Sometimes my bangs look great.

Right now, you know, I'm getting it together.

That's how I feel.

I'll tell you what, the answer to the question, why are your bangs like that,

it just brings up more questions.

So it's like, hey, why are your bangs like that?

You go, I was on the phone.

And you just keep moving on.

They're going to be like, that's.

Well, I was coping, is what I'm trying to say.

I was coping with my hair.

That's like, that's better than a lot of things.

I don't really drink, right?

I'm better than all of you.

All right.

There you go.

You don't drink, but

you end up with a drunken haircut.

Yeah.

I'd say knock a few back and go hit a salon, you know?

Yeah, that's true.

It'll, it'll grow in.

I got them cut like a month ago, and then they grow in faster than the rest of the hair.

So I love it.

Yeah.

I love it.

It's awesome.

Eve Ellen Bogan.

Welcome to the Kiltoni universe.

There's a big joke book.

Eve, I'd love to have you on the secret show.

Oh, look at that.

And here you go.

You just saw somebody get booked for a real show.

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Anything could happen here.

Your next comedian.

Ooh la la.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody.

Or Sharon Ruth Hensley, everyone.

Make some noise for Sharon, everybody.

Good evening, Kill Tony people.

I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I am deeply disappointed that I have aged out of being a sugar baby.

Had I known all the ways life was not going to work out for me, I'd have been cool with being kept.

Now, all the men who can afford me want teenagers,

which is super stupid.

I passed the peri part of menopause a while ago.

You're not going to knock me up.

I can't sue you for child support.

I will understand your 80s references because I was alive then.

But that's okay.

Keep playing in the kiddie pool.

Did y'all know?

There's a bunch of dudes out there paying big bucks for sweaty socks.

I wear nine and a half and have hyperhidrosis.

Someone should have told me sooner.

I'm going to be able to keep myself.

Thank you.

Okay.

Sharon Ruth Hensley.

I don't think I've ever been softer in my life.

This is incredible.

Big Jay Okerson.

I thought at any given moment she was going to tear her clothes off and have Furry's murder written on her body or something.

Furry's murder.

I'm using your platform.

I'm from Texas, so I'm a carnivore.

Wow, you're from Texas.

Yeah.

My goodness, what part?

I refer to it as the cesspool.

Y'all know it is San Antonio.

Okay.

Incredible.

You have real, like, liberal, hippie vibes.

Nope, sorry.

I know, don't apologize to me.

I fucking hate those people.

It's incredible that you

can kill my own deer and hang it up and gut it and skin it and cook all the good parts.

Absolutely amazing.

My uncle was a career Marine Scout sniper and he trained me on a ranch in Fredericksburg.

I'm starting to chub up.

This is getting better.

Okay, what else?

I'm probably one of the few people that you know that has shot somebody.

Oh, tell us about that.

This is incredible.

Little Dick Cheney situation here.

No, um Bear County jail let a prisoner out on work release and didn't bother to check to see if he had a job So he took a VA bus to my house and cut my phone and electricity and got himself shot So a guy cut your phone and electricity he specifically told me it was so I couldn't call for help

Well, how okay, let's just take it one step at a time You kind of went Tarantino style there.

You went the beginning and the end.

Now we need to figure out that whole fucking middle part where you find out that your phone and your electricity is cut.

I murdered a felon.

I'll see you guys later.

Were you going to cut your hair and call?

Or were you just going to...

No, I'm old, so it was before I had a cell phone.

Okay.

So, okay, so take us through it.

You notice your electricity's out, right?

Is that the case?

Well, no, he was outside trying to get in.

Okay, knocking.

Was he knocking on your door?

Banging on the door.

The front doorknob had been broken off.

And he still couldn't get in?

Um, at first, yeah.

So, why would he go and then cut your electricity and your phone?

Um, I guess so the cops didn't get there before he could get in.

Did he do that before breaking through your door?

I'm not sure what the time frame on which particular criminal activity is.

We're jumping around here.

So, you're you standing there with the gun in your hand?

You're by yourself on the other side of the door waiting for it to open so that you can shoot us.

Trained, one, be prepared.

Two, if you have the gun out, you have to use it.

Three, if you use it, you empty it.

Let's go back to the question that I specifically asked.

It's a pretty simple question.

Pretend like you don't know the story, like

the people here and the people watching at home.

So the person's trying to kick down your door.

You're on the other side of the door.

Yes.

With a gun.

Yes.

Are you standing there?

Yes.

With it pointed at the door.

Yes.

Are you saying anything back to him while there's a hole hole in the door, Big Jay?

I feel like she's going to be practicing lines.

She's going to say, You just fucked with the wrong bull.

No.

Yeah.

No, I mean, you better go checkmate, motherfucker.

No.

Just because of.

Oh, your lights are going out.

We found it.

That's why we do these sessions.

Yeah.

You're about to make a long-distance call to heaven.

My uncle was a sniper

we doing twin desert eagles under the fucking things what'd you pull this guy

357 with hollow points wow oh my god take it easy cunt eastwood all right this is incredible

oh my god i thought you i thought your pussy was dirty and hairy but i didn't realize you're dirty hairy

see the reference there folks that's a

good yoni's not even smiling All right.

Incredible, a 357 Magnum

with hollow points.

Well, the sad thing is...

He was white.

No!

The dude, the dude was a marathon runner.

Dude was a what?

He was a marathon runner, so he was really muscular, but he was really thin.

So the bullets just went straight in and out.

They didn't have a time to expand.

Hilarious.

Oh, my God.

This is some real Texas shit.

Wow.

Well, the funny thing is

people in California and New York are like, what?

The bullets didn't have time to expand?

Wow.

So a marathon runner.

And by that, we have figured out the race of the man.

Am I correct?

No, he's very Mexican.

Oh, Mexican.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

So you had to aim low.

Yeah.

Incredible.

My face is up here, Juan.

It was Miguel, but yes.

Ah.

Did you kill him?

I tried.

Aw.

What happened?

Hey, as long as you did your best, kiddo,

we're still going to go to Pizza Hut.

We'll still go to Pizza Hut.

I am hungry.

The fact that he's Mexican does does make the catchphrases that she could have said to him a lot better.

Did somebody order the Migas tacos?

Live, boss.

Hey, Pedro, the wall's that way.

Damn.

It does make it better.

For whom does the taco bell toll?

I like that one.

Yeah.

Incredible.

So you didn't kill him?

No.

How many times was he shot?

Three.

Three times, and he survived.

God damn.

This must be one of Big Mike's relatives.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

En Español?

What?

Shoulder-o?

Neck, chest, and shoulder.

The shoulder was my offshot.

Did any of these ricochet off of his saxophone?

How Mexican was this guy exactly?

They went into the floor and the wall behind them.

Did your bullet hit the string of bullets that he had crossing over his

And then the one that was smoking from the hole in his 10-gallon hat.

Wow.

My goodness.

He was in the hospital for a month because when I hit the shoulder, that's actually what almost killed him.

I hit an artery.

Nice.

And

he had to have

several surgeries, and he still doesn't have full use of his arm, which he blames on me.

So he's been looking to kill me since then.

Oh, wow.

Bueno.

No bueno at all.

Do you know what he does for work?

Is he the old?

He's disabled.

Uh-huh.

Right.

Is he a citizen?

Is he a legal citizen?

I enabled him to collect a check from the government for the rest of his life.

Really?

Isn't that interesting?

If an illegal immigrant committing an illegal crime gets shot by a legal American, they automatically get money forever.

No, he actually is from here.

Oh, wow, in that case, huh?

God damn it.

We'll see about that.

I'm going to talk to my friends in the administration.

I would appreciate that.

Absolutely.

Was it his right arm?

His favorite hand.

Wow.

So you live life constantly looking over your shoulder.

That's chill.

Pretty much.

Yeah.

The first time I did a show, they wanted to promote it, and I was so used to being in hiding.

Like, I talked to my therapist, and I was like, what do you think I should do?

Like, if I'm going to be in this and take it seriously, I'm going to have have to promote.

What do I do?

And she goes, I don't think you're ever gonna feel safe anywhere.

So I told the promoter, I was like, Go ahead.

And then I told them, I was like, Well, you know what?

If he's gonna kill me, he's gonna have to make a big show of it.

You know, like, I'm real good at seeing if somebody's tailing me or anything.

So I've never wished more that I had a laser pointer to just quietly.

Dude, dude, dude.

Revenge is a bitch.

The good news is...

You should have killed me, bitch.

I still got one good arm, you fucking whore.

They went right through my skinny body.

Have you thought about having a stage name or not wearing your glasses or something like that?

Yeah, that'll really throw him off, Red Bay.

Which?

Hey, I would kill you, but I don't think it's the right beach, dude.

We talked about it like the first time I signed up for an open mic, I put TBD, like to be determined, and I was like, say Tabiti, like it's foreign.

And people thought I was really cute.

They wanted me to keep it, but then I was like, I'm also a writer, and I've already been published under Sharon Ruth Hensley.

And everybody was like, just for professional purposes, you just need to streamline it and have both.

Do you think maybe you should get a dog instead of all those cats?

I travel too much.

You don't have cats, right?

No.

But it's amazing because you seem like you do.

No.

But instead, you fucking keep it in the city.

My last dog was a Rottweiler German Shepherd mix.

Oh,

hey, Jews.

Yeah.

That tracks.

Incredible.

Boy, you cannot judge a book by its cover here in Texas because you seem like you would just be one of the worst people.

It's incredible.

Wait, let's see.

Red Band has a good point.

We want to see, you seem like you could be one of those secret hot chicks.

Look out there, and would you mind taking off your glasses and kind of like frilling your hair like that real quick just out of our own curiosity can you look that way

whoa

whoa

i think i have a 357 in my pants now we've come full circle here are you circumcised what jesus i'm kidding lady

I prefer uncircumcised because they're really good at doing my favoritest thing ever.

Like an excellent...

My favorite what?

My favoritest thing ever.

an excellent impersonation of those tubes filled with water and glitter and stuff you know like now you see it now you don't now you see it

now you don't

yeah i got it now finish the next i love an uncircumcised penis you have the thickest white accent i've ever heard it's literally i can't understand you i know like my whole life people are always like where are you from they always think i'm from up north yeah it seems like you do you seem like a wacky canadian i don't know what happened she doesn't do a lot of talking she lets the get home yeah

all right well

Sharon Ruth Hensley any relation to Hunter Hearst no oh I know but I do love wrestling absolutely the interview while absolutely incredible

you know the set was that set you are leaving here don't kill me with a little joke book

Is that a gasp from you guys you want me to give her a big joke book?

All right.

Okay.

Jesus, I've never heard the whole audience go, aww, at once like that.

This is a true democracy here in America.

There's a big joke book for you.

You catch like a cat, lady.

I never said I was sporty.

You're killing it, lady.

You're killing it.

I'm sure some open micer is going to bang the hell out of you tonight.

Someone's blowing the dust off of that librarian pussy tonight, I can tell.

Find me on Facebook.

All right, Sharon, relax.

There you go.

All right.

Facebook.

Facebook.

That Mexican should have thrown her a book.

You would have had the higher ground.

Yeah.

You know she has a secret only fans.

Yeah,

that is a wild lady.

You can tell she has like a sex swing at her place.

That's like a kinky, kinky old lady.

You guys having fun out there?

We just met a cat lady that's secretly a killer.

Anything can happen here.

Mixed most moves for your next comedian, Benny Boy, everybody.

Benny Boy, that's a new name here.

Here we go.

Oh, we know Benny Boy.

All right.

Here he is.

Hello, how you doing?

All right.

I'm back.

I'm not Nick.

I'm back.

Anyway,

I smoked a lot of putt in the 80s and 70s.

Maybe 80s and 90s.

Now I don't care what the fucking temperature is.

I'd get so high it would take me an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

I did some Coke.

I watched it in seven minutes flat.

What the fuck, motherfucker.

That amyl nitrate?

I thought it was anal nitrate.

I've been putting that shit up my ass.

No wonder I didn't get high.

Yeah, shit.

Being on Kiltoni, I got some work.

I went to Tijuana.

I was big down there.

They said, Benjamin Grelly, Pendeo Grande.

It means big funny man in Spanish, they told me.

Pendeo grande, Benjamin Grelly.

It was me.

All right, Benny Boy.

I think I just decided to stop smoking pots.

This guy shot a Mexican.

Yeah, no doubt about it.

This is Bill Maher, Benny Boy.

You ever met Bill Maher before?

Bill Maher?

Yeah.

No.

Real time.

Bill Maher.

Club random.

No.

Likes black hookers.

Never heard of you.

Never heard of you.

Okay.

Are you wearing your own merch?

Bill Maher.

Actually, like a left-wing.

Huh?

Okay.

Okay, Scram.

This is wild that we've had two bucket pulls in a row that we're both part of the Manson family.

This is absolutely

plays guitar to a corpse.

Just changes her clothes every day.

uh benny is that is that always been what you've gone by on this show why does benny boy feel like a new name to me

um because it's the first time i use it i usually use my regular name why are you going by a new name

seems a little bit late for a correct

voice benny's point just to mix it up okay yeah just mixing and i thought you might see my name and go oh not that fucking guy again and you i just pull names out of the bucket you're gonna do that shit

yeah the only way to mess it up is by having it be ineligible,

which means I can't read it.

Which most likely means they're mentally ill.

Bill Maher.

You're like a magician.

You make terrible comedians disappear.

They're fortune cookies.

Yeah.

Confucius.

Benny, tell us, what have we not talked about?

You've been on the show before just to catch Bill Maher and Big Jay Okerson up.

And you famously, at one point in your life, were friends with Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker.

You call him Richie.

Yeah, well,

that was his name.

Yeah.

Hence, the Richie.

That's true, by the way.

That's real.

He used to kick it with Richie Richie.

Well, I wasn't friends with him.

We just had the same heroin dealer.

No.

It's not like I hung around with him and ate cereal with him.

Right.

But that would be weird eating cereal with a cereal killer.

That's what buddies do.

Buddies eat cereal kids.

Pass the fruit loops, Richie.

If you had cereal money and milk money, you were getting heroin.

Yeah.

You guys were heroin buddies.

Yeah.

You didn't do anything gay like eat cereal together.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You got to be gay to do that.

Did you ever share a needle?

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

So,

did you ever share a needle with him?

Oh, no, no.

This was the 80s.

You didn't share needles with anybody.

That's the gayest.

AIDS was rampant.

Did you ever

used to be a felony?

Did you ever murder people with him?

Did I what?

Did you ever go and look at attack people and murder with him?

No.

Never saw him actually out of that room, my dope dealer's room.

He lived across the hall.

Had a pentagram on his floor.

Usually a heroin screws with your brain, but you got away scot-free.

Oh, yeah, I did.

You said there was a pentagram on the floor, too.

Like, it was like, yeah, that was kind of weird, I guess.

There was a bloodletting, but Benny boy, tell us something about your life that you've never told us before.

You have always been a great interviewee.

Well, I got another story for you.

There you go.

Okay.

You want to hear about the time I stole a guy's TV

while he got up to make a sandwich during a commercial.

You stole his TV when he...

Yes, can we get proper lighting for this keynote?

He's a great swimmer.

It was a long time ago.

I don't do that shit anymore.

Unless I need a TV, that is.

Yeah, it was in San Luis Obispo.

I better not say the name.

The guy might still be alive, and who knows?

He ain't coming for his TV.

That's right, yeah.

There's a lady that's gonna be murdered by a Mexican with one arm before this guy comes for his TV.

Just go ahead, tell the story, Benny.

Okay, so I just moved into this guest house behind my art teacher's house.

This is back in the 70s.

And I moved in.

I had all my furniture in there, sat down on my sofa, and I realized, shit.

Johnny Carson's gonna be on tonight in about a half hour.

And Richard Pryor was on that night.

I remember distinctly.

Who happened to be one of my favorite comedians.

And I said, I don't have a fucking TV.

It's 11 o'clock.

The news is on.

30 minutes.

Carson's on.

I don't want to miss the monologue.

I'm going, where the fuck am I going to get a TV at 11 o'clock at night?

I said, I better get in my pickup truck and go peruse the neighborhood.

So I did.

Driving down the street, not too far from my house, and I see a big picture window.

And in the picture window is this beautiful color TV.

Back then, they weren't all color.

This one was.

So I kind of said, oh shit, there's a TV right there.

So I pulled my truck down a few houses down a ways

because I assumed I'm going to be running out of this house with a TV.

And I didn't want them to get my license plate.

I didn't have time to steal a car.

Plus, I hadn't done that in a few years.

And I was a little rusty.

So I packed my truck and I did my best

cat burglar routine,

crawled up to this guy's picture window, looked inside, and there's this dude sitting on the couch watching the news.

I'm like, ah, shit,

someone's home.

I wasn't used to going in houses when someone was home.

I usually waited till they left.

But right next to the TV was a screen door.

It was summertime, so so the door was open, but the screen was closed.

And I'm saying to myself, the TV is right there, right next to the door.

If I go around the back, I could just grab that TV and leave.

But the fucking guy's there.

Next thing I know, the guy gets up.

He goes up these stairs and he's in this little, in his kitchen.

He opens a refrigerator and he starts pulling out mustard and ham and

cheese.

I'm like, this fucking guy's making a sandwich.

It's going to take him a few minutes to make that sandwich.

Right?

You can't make

only take me a few minutes to get that TV.

So he's making his sandwich, his back was to me, I could see him up there, the TV's there, the door's there,

then he goes in the back somewhere, I assume to the bathroom or something, which is even better.

It's like, oh man, I got to do this.

So I run around the back of the house.

I open the screen door very gingerly like, and I push that little thing, you know, to keep the pump the door from shutting there.

What do you call that?

Bill, would you have to do it?

Door stop.

Who said that?

What?

That's a genius.

Door stop.

I don't cheese it.

It's a story.

I kept the door open.

Keep going, Benny.

Keep going.

You have pure momentum.

And

the TV was right there.

I opened the door.

The TV, I just had to take like literally one step.

This wasn't a flat screen TV.

These were heavy fucking TVs.

This thing was way heavier than I expected.

And as you can see, I'm a skinny runt.

My rap name is Skinny Bastard.

Anyway, I grabbed the TV and immediately I went, oh, this thing's too fucking heavy.

I'm not going to be able to make it back to my truck.

And the guy's still not there, so I'm outside now, his door.

And I look in the back, and there's a cinder block wall, and there's a shed up against the wall, and there's a ladder right there, up against the shed.

And I figured, okay, it's easier for me to get to that wall than it is to get to my truck.

So I brought the TV back to the shed, climbed the ladder, I put the TV on the roof of the shed, which was right up against the cinder block wall, and there's an alley that goes behind this.

All the houses where the garbage trucks go.

I have a black hooker waiting.

Let's

go.

So I put the TV up there.

Singer, yo, sing.

Put the TV up there.

As I'm walking back, I look in there, the guy's back to making the sandwich.

I see his elbows and stuff.

I'm going, okay, he's cool.

So I go back to my truck, get in my truck, and I come all the way around.

Join me to black hookers.

Go down the alley,

stop my truck.

I climb in the back of the bed bed of the truck so I could reach the TV from the roof of the shed, got the TV, put it in the bed of the truck, I put a little tarp over it, just in case I got stopped, which I didn't.

I drive around the alley, I go around the corner, now I'm going up the street where the guy lives.

To my amazement, there's already a cop car there.

Police car was there already.

So there's two cops and the guy on the front lawn and all three of them scratching their heads.

And I can only assume they're going, so what the fuck happened?

I got up to make a sandwich,

come back, and my fucking TV's gone.

Wow.

That was it.

Absolutely incredible.

Did you make it back in time to plug in the TV and catch the episode of Johnny Carson?

Perfect timing.

Fucking great.

Incredible.

I couldn't have planned it better.

Incredible.

Okay, that's our show.

Coming next week with my guests are Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hotua girl.

That was a long story.

That was a very long story, you gotta be honest.

God damn it.

He's got a lot of family that's still worried about him a lot.

Benny Boy, it boggles my mind your ability to tell stories in the interview portion of this show.

Yeah, well, I'm old.

I got a lot of shit.

Yeah, well,

you just got to keep signing up and do it again.

I sign up every fucking week.

All right, yeah, this is it.

This is your odds.

Everything makes sense.

You get pulled

once every few shows.

It's nothing personal.

What are you crazy?

It's a bucket full of names.

You just said, what are you crazy?

Yeah.

I thought you might see my name and go, oh, that's fucking Guinea again and throw it away.

The fucking what again?

What are you thinking about you?

Giddy.

Did you call yourself a Guinea?

Yeah.

You should do a podcast, by the way, with all these stories and shit.

Like, of all the people that should have a podcast.

You should do that.

Yeah, yeah.

I would love to do a podcast, but I'm not as smart as I look.

It's perfect.

Benny, we love you.

You already have a big joke book, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, they do.

Yeah, you got one.

Don't try to steal one from me here.

I'm not making a fucking sandwich.

I saw.

What?

I saw you at the secret show, and I said, I need another big book.

Mine was full.

And you said to Yoni, get him another book.

Did we get you another book?

No, that was.

Jesus Christ, you're a real con artist.

Do you know that?

There he goes, Benny Boy, ladies and gentlemen.

On to the next one we go.

We're flying through him tonight.

Benny, what?

You just told a 15-minute long fucking story.

What else could you possibly want?

Last time I was here.

I have a lady that I'm going to have shoot you in a second, right behind the curtain.

Hey, no, remember, I'm non-violent.

What?

I'm non-violent.

Okay.

The last time I was here.

Okay, Benny, I love you.

You gotta go.

Benny boy, ladies.

I'm gonna have security choke you the fuck out.

Get out of here.

I gotta say.

Go!

Get out!

It wasn't the first time I've been thrown up.

Benny.

Shut the fuck up.

Get out of here.

Unbelievable.

A throwback to a different time.

That was bat shit.

I love it.

Oh, it was great.

A totally different show happened for 20 minutes.

I can't believe.

I can't believe you have Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hawk Tua girls.

Next week after that, I have Prime Minister Trudeau and Megan the Stallion.

So it's a whole month of great shows that we have.

Do you book it yourself?

I always book it myself.

You always book somebody

very important and like, you know, and then someone that's just like a street rat.

We have Kim Jong-un

and the Cash Me Outside Girl in April, if you want to tune into that.

Who else does it have?

Bill Martin.

King Charles and the Burger King mascots.

We got a lot of great people coming up.

Real time with Bill Maher.

Kyle Dunagan.com is what Bill Maher is promoting tonight.

No idea.

Oh, man.

That is hilarious.

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All right, your next comedian.

We still having fun out there?

Not everybody's just old people with crazy stories out of this bucket tonight.

There's no way.

Make some noise for your next comedian.

It's Marvin Izzy, everybody.

Marvin Izzy.

This is dope, yo.

I'm having a good time, yo.

Happy to be here, man.

I'm really happy to be here, yo, because tonight's normally the night with me and my wife, we do this thing called Netflix and chill.

Y'all heard of that?

Where she watches Netflix and I have to go chill somewhere else.

Kidding, man, I love my wife, yo.

I have to.

She makes makes more money than me.

I realize I'm the housewife.

I noticed this the other night when I was dying in her work clothes, which is messed up because she worked from home.

I need a new weed dealer, man.

Last time I hit my weed dealer up was voice text.

I say, yo, you want deck?

And I sent it.

I ain't know my phone heard.

Yo, you want dick?

So he still serves me weed now.

He just don't give me eye contact no more, man.

And I need weed for like, you know, tolerate work, man.

Like, I can't stand jobs, yo.

Like, I don't participate in work functions like Secret Santa's.

Because I always end up drawing the coworker I don't like, which is all of them.

One time I drew the manager.

I ain't know what to get him for Secret Santa, so I got him the best gift I thought I could give him.

My two weeks' notice.

I'm Marvin Izzy.

Okay.

All right, Marvin Izzy.

Marvin, welcome.

What do you do for work?

I'm going to be an operations clerk starting this Monday.

Operations clerk?

Starting this Monday.

What have you been doing up until this point?

And this is this Monday, by the way.

You were supposed to start today.

It's

Monday night now.

I think you missed your shift.

All right, so I'm unemployed.

Now I meant to say I started next Monday.

Okay.

Yeah.

And

where are you an operations clerk at?

That is a professional title, but you didn't tell us where you were.

It's a manufacturing company that made me sign an NDA, so I can't say where they're at.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry, that's what I'm limited at, and I just need to start this job.

Absolutely.

Never get shot in the shoulder.

Your right arm is hanging low.

It does look limp.

Something's goofy over there.

there

but okay you do have the energy with the audience of like uh look I'm just trying to get my life together my wife had a kid while I was in prison

yeah you're right trying to do the right thing in life and if you don't laugh I'm gonna go back to murdering whites

not just whites nice like

nice That ponytail is so tight back.

It is incredible.

You're Puerto Rican?

Yes, sir.

Absolutely.

Absolutely incredible.

There is a certain amount of absolute pain that they put themselves through before you leave the house.

Stretch out the forehead, you know?

Yep.

Absolutely.

Absolutely incredible.

What do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you?

Like in your daily routines and whatnot?

Shit, believe it or not, I'm watered down, bro.

I'm not as Puerto Rican as Puerto Ricans should be.

When you say watered down, does that mean what?

I don't eat rice and beans.

I don't fucking...

I don't eat it.

How many kids do you have?

One.

Okay.

Wow.

Incredible.

But I did have her when I was 18.

So I still got to, you know,

I got to meet the standards in some way.

And do you live with her?

Well, no, she's in college now.

There it is.

Very Puerto Rican.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Who has the tighter ponytail?

You or her?

Me.

There you go.

Nice.

Yeah.

You're saying that hers is loose?

I hope that's the only thing.

That's right.

Doge needs to get in control of your

gel budget.

I've had too much of this.

It's okay.

You better get it together, Bill Maher, because next week on your show, you have Vladimir Putin and Benny Boy.

I'm getting worse, man.

That's right.

Please turn it.

Thanks for plugging that, by the way.

I was hoping.

I'm having too much fun.

This is too much fun.

Marvin Izzy, what's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you?

I suffered a heart attack a year ago.

Oh my God.

How did that happen?

I was on a red band diet.

Look at red band.

I was trying to get on the Big J diet, but I just, you know.

So what were you really doing?

Tell us about it.

What is it?

No, I mean, it was just unhealthy eating.

Like, what?

What, what, what?

Fast foods, just fucking Popeyes, McDonald's, Burger Kings, fucking...

See the thumbs up?

The Red Band diet.

You see what I mean?

You ever do any cardio?

That's genetic.

Nah, no, I ain't really do no, I really ain't take care of myself.

How old are you?

I'm 39.

Jesus, you had a heart attack at 38?

Yes, sir.

And where did this happen?

How did this happen?

Take us through the steps.

You're right.

You're right.

So we're starting.

Your right arm goes a little numb.

Nah, real shit.

Now you fucking with me.

I did.

I do.

My shoulder does hurt, but I didn't know it was like slouching and shit.

Like, damn, you got me on that.

You ever spent any time in San Antonio?

No, never been there.

Never been there.

I don't know.

Okay.

Nah, so

I came to visit, you know, was

where?

I came to visit Austin for my first time, like a year ago.

It was crashing with David Jolly, and then I came back home.

Like, yeah, of course.

And then, like, two weeks later, I had the heart attack um and then as soon as I got discharged from the hospital like the heart attack happened in my house so like

I felt weird in the chest and then it was just like this this don't feel right and I went to go get some fresh air and then everything started spinning on me immediately I was like all right we're going to the hospital by the time I tried to get a sweater because hospitals are cold

Wow so I tried to get a sweater immediately there was a complete detachment from my brain and my body that I was just like, no, call 911.

And they came and picked me up, but they didn't believe that I was having a heart attack.

They just thought I was ODing on cocaine.

Right.

Were you?

No, again,

no.

Hang on.

No.

As a fact, are you blaming the wrong thing here?

Is this a little...

No, real shit.

I never did cocaine in my life.

I'm a major pothead, but I never did Coke.

But

I would have assumed you were ODing on cocaine as well, but ODing on cocaine and a heart attack are almost essentially kind of the same thing, right?

Yeah, pretty much.

But the thing that concerned them was I wasn't like hypertension or anything.

Like, I'm having this heart attack, but I had low blood pressure.

So they wasn't taking my heart attack serious at all.

So how long until they took you to the hospital?

Were they?

Well, it was pretty fast, right?

They got me there within like 15 minutes, you know?

And the doctor's like, it's a heart attack.

No, they was observing and try to rule out everything first.

I like the energy of it was like, this guy thinks he's having a heart attack.

I guess.

Yeah, they take it seriously at some point.

You know, they was just looking like, how much cocaine have you done?

And I'm like, you know, my name's not Tony Hinchcliffe.

That's fine.

Oh, here we go.

Uh-oh,

you got me.

Anyway,

I've never tried it before, but I guess that's a thing.

I'm a gay Cokehead.

Nah, but after some point, they had to just rule it in and was like, yeah, you're having a heart attack.

So they admitted me and they ran a procedure where they placed a stent in my artery because it was the LAD artery, which is known as the widowmaker.

So I'm not supposed to be standing here.

Wow.

Yeah.

They ran it through my wrist, which I'm happy because they said if they can't run it through your wrist, they run it through your nuts.

And I was like, well, I have two wrists and two balls.

Let's just try each wrist first.

Okay.

Yeah, and I'm here to tell y'all about that.

So Big ups.

Congratulations.

That is a fun fact.

That is the laugh of Fiona Cauley

that John Dees has saved on his keyboard.

John Dees has some of his own son.

Hit it again, John.

That is the great Fiona Cauley,

golden ticket winner out of Nashville, Tennessee.

Okay, Marvin,

you've been on the show before, right?

Last week in that turbo round.

Okay.

That shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, congratulations.

You got your interview in.

You got pulled out of the bucket.

There he goes.

You got a little joke book?

I ain't get nothing.

Here you go, my friend.

Hey, why not?

Marvin Izzy.

All right.

We're flying through it.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris

Cabral, everybody.

Chris Cabral.

Or Chris Cabral, perhaps.

Oh.

All right.

Do y'all know I've

in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Do y'all know this?

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

World's longest infant penis.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm very proud of that.

Very proud of that.

In fact, the doctors wrote, they hand wrote in my medical records, it says, wow,

we thought it was a baby anaconda.

Yeah,

I...

I'm very proud of my records.

In fact, I had my record for about one day.

Only one day.

Yeah, as it turns out, they measured the umbilical cord instead of my penis.

So, yeah, it was kind of embarrassing there.

But yeah, so

that's my one minute.

Thank you.

All right.

Wow, 42 seconds from Chris Cabrall talking about his tiny penis.

Yes, tiny, tiny.

Hello, Chris.

Welcome.

How long have you been trying stand-up comedy out?

Three years.

Three years.

Where at?

Where?

Charlottesville, Virginia.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

That is one of the saddest things that's ever happened in Charlottesville, Virginia.

A true tragedy.

Man, that's brutal.

That's real.

Oh, you got me.

Chris, how long have you been a retired police officer for?

I have been a police officer.

I have been.

Way back in the day.

What?

You just stepped on a joke and what?

I'm sorry.

Nope.

Nope.

Just go ahead.

Answer.

No, yeah, I was a...

I'm a park ranger in my civilian life.

But what did you say originally?

I used to do law enforcement in the park ranger world.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Big J, what did you say?

I forget.

Chris Cabrill just out here swinging that baby penis around.

So what does that mean, law enforcement enforcement as a park ranger what were you doing exactly resting squirrels yeah yeah that little spit out the nut

give me that fucking acorn yeah

typical law enforcement stuff uh but mainly people vandalizing things and kind of doing all that type of stuff but now I do education for the parks yeah Speaking of squirrels, next week on Bill Maher's show, he has President Zelensky and one of the squirrels that he arrested.

One One of the squirrels, yes.

All right.

It's a packed show.

I can't get enough of these Bill Maher bookings.

Chris, there has been something that's been happening tonight.

I'm going to catch you up because the bucket pulls are brought over here and kind of get to hear what's happening right before they come up.

There's been a theme tonight with Eve Ellen.

Nope.

Sharon Ruth Hensley, older lady, kind of had a rough set.

And then an unbelievable interview.

Benny Boy,

mediocre set.

Game-changing interview.

A story that would win a fucking Oscar if podcasts had awards.

Okay.

Now, what I want you to do here

is I want you to think in your head of something of your entire life.

How old are you?

How old do you think I am?

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't ask faggy questions like that.

Stick with me here.

Just look at me.

55.

5'5.

Okay, 5'5.

Very good.

Stick with me here.

I want you to focus, because this could be golden.

We could go three for three with unfunny old sets, having unbelievable interviews.

If this goes how I think it can go, you're gonna come out of here feeling good.

If it continues to go how you've been letting it go, you're gonna go, what the fuck was that?

This is your moment.

This is your moment.

You have 55 years to reflect on a story or a moment or something interesting about you that is going to change this fucking vibe, this moment that we're in right now.

It's all come to this.

It's your life.

I need you to reflect in your head.

Let me give you an example.

Sharon Ruth Hensley,

a woman who appeared to own all of the cats, turns out is a gun-toting hillbilly.

A Texan through and through, even though she looked like she voted for Kamala eight times in eight different states.

Turns out she shoots people that try to invade her house with a 357 Magnum.

Hollow point bullets that blast through marathon runners who are currently tracking her down right now.

Sweet little Benny boy comes up with some old-timey jokes, fucking, it takes me seven hours to watch 60 minutes.

Next thing you know, him and the band fucking jamming up here talking about a guy making a little mustard sandwich stealing his TV.

A heavy TV so heavy that he ended up taking up on a ladder on a shed, driving his car around fucking crazy.

That was definitely the scenic route to his truck.

It's unbelievable.

It's fucking wild.

It's unclimbable.

Unbelievable.

It wouldn't even make sense in any other universe other than Kill Tony.

So now, Chris Cabral.

Cabral.

Chris Cabral.

Yeah.

Now is that moment.

John, if you can give me a little something.

Lighting, if you give me a little something, this is your moment, Chris.

Tell us.

55 years to reflect on.

Tell us something that would boggle our fucking minds that you've seen or been part of in your life.

Now, this is Chris Cabral.

We vamped for so long to give you time to think.

And now

is that moment.

Starting now.

This is Chris Cabral.

All right.

I like the music there.

Don't acknowledge anything just.

I was mugged by a two-year-old.

Okay.

Yeah, and that is true.

That's a true story.

Okay, now tell us the story, Chris.

I was

on the U.S.

national luge team.

Y'all know luge?

Stop asking the audience for their approval.

I can't believe three years and you've learned nothing about the art form, Chris.

Just focus in on the story.

Don't acknowledge the odds.

Pretend like you're just crushing.

Stare straight out there.

All right.

I was in Moscow, Russia, and a

little kid latched onto my leg.

And this turned out to be a big,

it was a big deal.

I'm trying to get the kid off.

I had a teammate with me.

He would not leave.

This is like zero degrees in Russia.

I'm grabbing his head, trying to pull it back.

He's going,

he just kept on.

He wouldn't let go.

The kid wouldn't let go.

I was with a buddy of mine, a teammate.

The mom came out, grabbed my teammate.

And I'm still struggling with the kid.

He wouldn't let go.

And his little snot was run down.

It was crazy.

and I remember I was pulling his head back and he's going no no and I finally shoved the little baby on the ground I may have kicked him a little bit too shoved him and my friend threw the mom into a snowbank because it was the middle of winter it's a winter sport and we ran we ran from the baby and we ran down the street in Moscow and we pounded on the bus to get in turn around and we get in the bus and the baby was chasing us.

We didn't know this.

He stopped and he was stopped crying and then he latched onto another leg.

So that was my getting mugged by a baby.

Well, two for three tonight

isn't that bad.

Good story.

That was 76% lie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's pretty wild.

The good news, Ronald Reagan and the baby from that story are on Bill Maher next month.

Okay.

All right.

Not bad.

I love the plugs.

Thank you, Tony.

An unbelievably bad story, Chris.

You basically basically assaulted a two-year-old and threw a Russian woman into a snowbank.

Yes, that is true.

I love it.

I love it.

Chris, what are we missing about you?

Anything else before I let you go?

I'm here in Texas.

I'm a reservist in the Air Force, and I'm retiring, which is cool.

Yeah, okay.

What have you done in the Air Force?

You ever serve overseas or anything?

Other than beating up children?

One person in the universe was excited to meet somebody on the luge team.

And instead of embracing that moment of like, well, this is beautiful, he shoved the kid down and they, for no reason at all, brought the mother to watch and then threw her, if I'm understanding correctly.

Yeah.

And then threw her into the snow.

He's like, fuck you, you dumb bitch.

That's what you get for.

We're USA Luge.

Yeah.

Like, fuck you.

Fuck you, you stupid baby.

USA A-luge.

It is incredible.

Your perspective is amazing, Big J.

You've seen what I was, I completely missed this.

The kid was looking up to you.

He's like, oh, my God.

He's like, get the fuck this kid off me.

Oh, my God.

If I had a dime for every goddamn kid who wants to be my child because I'm just like a luge guy coming through town, man, okay?

Like anybody else.

You snooze you luge.

Chris Cabral, here's a little joke, but we're gonna keep it moving along.

You gonna catch this?

Sure.

There you go.

Chris Cabral, everybody.

Thank you.

All right, your final bucket pull of the night, everybody.

It's been a hell of a show.

Make some noise for

Jalet Zeller.

Jarrett Zeller, everybody.

Jarrett Zeller.

Here we go.

Uh-oh, oh, look out.

Here he is.

Make some noise for Jarrett Zeller, everybody.

Wait a second.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, well, and you play that when he's up here.

No, no, that's not how it works.

That's intro.

Outro is when they're leaving.

Intro is when the next person comes up.

We're going to give this guy a fresh start, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Jared Zeller.

One more time for Jared Zeller, everybody.

Thank you.

So I've been thinking a lot about

what Kamala Harris would sound like if she was a guy.

So I have an impression of Kamala Harris if she was a guy.

Please be a good crowd.

Please be a good crowd.

Hey, shit, man.

Hey, man.

You know me, man.

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

So, you know, I was walking to the store, man.

Just give me some Valentine's Day gifts from my boo thing, Dougie Doug, man.

You know, Doug, man.

You know, my boo, man.

And shit, man.

No, but fuck, man.

Shit.

No, but like,

I'm looking for some flowers and shit, man.

Some chocolate.

And then I'll pull up to the dude, right, with my chocolates and my flowers and shit, man.

You know, smelling all good and shit, man.

And I'll pull up to the dude, right?

And the dude, he was like,

all right, bet, that'll be $50.

I was like, $50.

Hey yo, what the fuck?

Here's an impression

of

the voice in my head when my jokes don't land the way I want them to.

Now,

now,

I am funny!

Thank you!

All right.

It was bad and awesome at the same time.

There's something.

It was bad, but there's something weirdly hilarious about you.

I love that you blame them.

You're a great guy.

That was like a fever drive.

Yeah.

This is what Benny Boy was like when he was younger or something.

Your act is like women over 30.

Not for me.

Look, you got talent.

You do have talent.

I think you should keep going.

He's also dressed very sharp, but at the same time, looks like a figment of an imagination.

Yeah.

Like someone's imaginary friend.

Yeah, it is incredible.

You have a very odd charisma to you, Jarrett Zeller.

Oh, thanks, Tony.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

You seem a little twitchy, a little high energy.

Are you on like Adderall or something?

No, just vibes.

Like this.

Just vibes.

Just vibes.

All right.

How long have you been visiting from California?

Damn, bro.

I'm like actually a Texan shit.

That's crazy.

Okay.

Yeah, but my mom wants to associate herself with being from California, even though she's not.

So like, I, yeah, I get that, I guess.

All right, that was a little.

Does your mom live in California?

No, she just likes to visit a lot.

And you visited there a lot.

She took me along, yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

There it is.

And you thought it was Darly?

Yeah, I did.

Yeah.

All right.

Jared, how old are you?

I'm 27.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Two years.

Two years.

Where have you been doing that at?

DFW area and College Station Bryan.

Dallas, Fort Worth, and College Station.

We know it very well.

And how often do you make it down to Austin, Texas?

This is my second time in Austin at all.

Right.

What was the other time?

With my mom.

She took me.

Face the crowd.

You're slowly turning around completely.

You just made direct eye contact with the drummer there.

I'm gonna help you out.

When you get nervous, you spin around in 180 degrees.

Your mom took you to Austin once.

What did you do?

I came to the domain.

We stayed by the domain.

Wow, you came to the Austin to go to the worst place in the city.

That is incredible.

Does your mom do real estate or something like that?

What does she do?

Yeah, she does.

Red band.

Red band.

That was fantastic.

Red band.

That's pretty good.

Red band on fire right now.

He is on fire.

Okay, Jarrett.

So

this is absolutely incredible.

27.

You've been doing it for two years.

Is that your best minute or is that your newest minute?

Man,

I feel like I know where this is going to go, man.

Where do you think this is going to go?

Face the crowd, Jarrett.

You're spinning around again.

Listen, Tony.

All right.

I've never seen anything like it before.

You're like some type of

one of those.

What's the thing that's in the the middle of like a dinner table what's that called lance at nancy susan

lazy susan jared zeller has the stage presence of a lazy susan

is your mother's name susan by a chance uh no but man it's fucking close so it is that's yeah chloe no stacy yeah stay with stay with the s stay with the s yeah but i'm not gonna you know that's okay you don't need to throw your mom under the bus.

Thank God.

Sure.

You're very close with your mother, aren't you?

Yeah.

You still live with her?

No, I just recently moved out.

This is your first time living on your own?

Second time.

What happened the first time?

The first time I had to move back in with my parents because I hit an 18-wheeler on a motorcycle with no helmets.

You were in the motorcycle?

I was on it, yeah.

And you had no helmet on.

Yeah.

This is all starting to make sense.

Were you twitchy and kind of jittery before that?

Dude, actually, I mean, yeah.

Okay.

But maybe it's more now?

Yeah.

It is.

Yeah.

It has to be.

It has to be.

I was like coming out of a stupor when you said that.

I was hit by an AT wheel on a motorcycle.

Oh, all right.

You're doing great then.

Were you going down the freeway at some point and perhaps got a little nervous and turned around and started going the other way, head on to traffic?

I don't know, dude.

It was honestly, I don't remember.

So, like, yeah, that's nice.

Extreme head trauma.

Yeah.

So, okay, so Jarrett,

you hit an 18-wheeler, so you had to go backlip with your parents.

Right, yeah, because I had the neck brace and the crutches, like, I had to learn how to walk again, so they had to, like, you know, help me at the shower chair, but you know, all that stuff.

Damn.

All right.

Sid, yeah.

Okay.

You're good looking, though.

What good feels bad for you?

Man, I know.

I'm feeling it, man.

You dress well.

You have good stuff going on.

What's your you have a good love life?

That's a no.

Yeah, definitely not.

No, yeah.

You dress well, but you're one unbutton from douchebag.

But you look good.

You also have a Norman Bates relationship with your mother.

I worry that you can't.

Mother, is this one good?

No, mother.

I like this one.

What was the mom's name in that?

What was that?

Shit, I don't remember the mother.

Oh, yeah, I forget it.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, I'm close to my mom, dude.

Fuck, I'm, yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude.

Okay, all right.

Jesus, we get it.

We know.

We know.

She let you wear her pants to the show tonight.

Jared, what do you do for work?

I deliver blood from a blood bank to hospitals.

Jesus Christ.

Is that it?

I feel like they...

I don't see what the problem is.

I don't...

Oh, I see, because I hit a...

Okay.

Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

I'll get.

All right.

You might have saved that Mexican from earlier.

He needed blood.

This is so interesting, Jarrett.

I find you to be an interesting, interesting person.

I can tell that you're funny.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, you weren't, you weren't funny, but I can tell that in there is a funny guy.

I can tell you have like funny motions and your timing and movement of funny is good.

There's something in there.

Well, thank you, Tony.

Let me ask you again:

if you were to do your funniest joke that you've written in the

two

years that you've been doing it,

what do you think your go-to would be?

It couldn't possibly be that crazy Kamala Harris impression.

No, no.

No.

That was insane.

Yes.

That was just a racist impression of a black guy done by an extremely white guy.

Really?

Nothing Kamala Harris related at all.

Yeah, exactly.

It was her lines in that case.

Yeah, I was waiting for something about a candidacy or politics or something.

And it went too long.

If he was just like, hey, man, what did it look like?

And that was the old impression.

Oh, that's funny.

But it was like, there's going to be something.

Just notes.

Noting all of this.

In two years, I got to know, what would your,

if, if, you know, Johnny Carson was here and he's like, I might want to have you on my show after Richard Pryor on a stolen television tonight.

All I want to see is one joke, and I'll give you a spot.

What would the joke be?

Look out at the crowd.

You're turning around again.

I guess, Johnny, it'd be a clean joke.

It doesn't have to be clean, but go ahead.

Just pretend like you're on Kill Tony, the modern-day Johnny Carson, and do it to the intro.

So, I don't know why people keep coming up to me and asking, like,

they keep telling me, like, hey, I would never listen to a woman be president.

And I'm like, dude,

you listened to a groundhog tell you that there's six more weeks of winter.

See how he danced with the music?

There's a funny guy in there.

There's a funny guy in there.

Do you have funny friends?

Do you hang out with funny people?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, man.

Three of them signed up tonight.

We're all from fucking College Station.

They're probably, you know, I feel bad that I'm not representing them accurately.

But, like, yeah, they're all, you know, funny.

I think you also made it weird when you said he wouldn't listen to a woman be president.

The sentence was wrong.

I don't know, man.

I'm just thinking, like, if I'm dressed like I clearly listen to my mom a lot, like, and that's true.

So it was like, okay, then the irony, I don't know.

Like, I clearly look like I have a terrible black voice.

and then it's like kamala i thought had a pretty odd black i don't know both of those jokes were about a woman and then you're so you got this weird relationship with your mom like it's kind of fucking weird yeah this is yeah when's the last time you were in a relationship

it's been

Before we let you go, what's the craziest thing we should know about you, Jared?

Your entire life.

What's something wild?

You've seen this show before.

You know how the interview part of this show works.

You're in it right now.

What do you think would be something you would bring up?

Well, I mean, that motorcycle accident was pretty fucking crazy.

I would say what's crazier is the pity.

I thought I was going to get pity fucked after.

And she just laid a missionary, and I was in no position to like roll her over.

This is your mom.

Fiona.

Oh, Fiona.

Who was this girl?

It was a girl that probably Freud would say reminded me of my mom, but I wouldn't.

No,

I wouldn't make that argument, no.

But she was nice.

And then what was crazier?

So I made a joke.

I made a joke.

You go ahead.

Yeah, well, so, yeah, I was in a neck brace.

The doctor said the neck brace stays on during sex.

Well, I mean, he said it just doesn't come off.

And I was like,

well, I really want to take it off because I was like, you know, and so she,

I thought, like, I was just going to lay there.

And she instead laid there.

And so I had to like.

Who told you you have the gift of Gab?

This is

ridiculous storytelling.

I have no idea what's happening.

It's mom.

I.

It's not mom.

I know that.

Every time you talk, I have so many more questions.

Dude, listen.

Hold on a second.

No, you listen.

You listen to me.

You listen to me.

So you're hooking up with this chick.

You have a neck brace on.

Did you not think to go, hey, do you mind if fucking you get on top?

Yeah, I just felt like I couldn't ask any.

I felt like I was in no position to like demand or ask anything.

I don't know.

Were you wearing those pants at the time?

It was awkward, man.

Yeah, it sucked.

So what happened?

You were on top and you were there with the neck brace, like fucking her.

And you like can't look at her because your neck's like that.

Yeah, so I'm like staring at the wall and shit.

Well, I'm just like wearing this prison.

And so

it was a lot of work.

And I couldn't feel anything in this leg.

And it wasn't like I could go to my physical therapist and be like, hey.

This was worse than being hit by a truck on a motorcycle.

Well, dude, yeah,

you know what's worse than that?

And they just said like a weird almost fucked situation.

Yeah.

The show almost over.

My butt plug just fell out.

I don't want to lose my weight.

No, you're right, Bill.

We're going to keep it moving.

Here's a little joke book for you.

Jarrett Zeller,

everybody.

Jarrett Zeller.

All right.

I also want to plug my show.

All right.

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Okay, we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, and you are in for a very special treat.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Here to close tonight's show.

I present to you,

ladies and gentlemen, the one and only.

This is Cam Patterson, everybody.

Yeah,

yeah.

Hell yeah.

He just did a fucked up impression of me.

That pissed me the fuck off.

How you gonna beat me before I go up, you dirty bitch?

That made me angry as shit.

And come on and say, what the fuck?

I'm doing it right now, if you can tell.

That's my voice, bitch.

It's good, though.

You know what's funny?

I feel good doing comedy, dog.

I feel like I'm inspiring young black men to do better in life, dog.

That's not funny, bitch.

That's good.

I am.

Like, I was walking down down the street that day, a dude came up to me, said, But you understand, you gotta understand something, bro.

Like, seeing your ass do stand up and shit, like, cutting out the trenches, black, that means want to change my life, like, real shit, dog.

Like, yesterday was my last day ever selling throat.

And I was like, that's beautiful, dog.

Hell yeah.

What do you do now?

And he was like, I just do security and logistics.

And I was like, what the fuck does that mean?

And he said, nigga, I'm a pimp.

I sell pussy.

Which is insane.

Because, like, I don't even, I don't think I helped him at all, dog.

He went from drug trafficking to sex trafficking, nigga, that's crazy.

That's worse, actually.

I like telling that joke because half of y'all laugh because that's funny.

And the rest of y'all was like, how the fuck this nigga know the word logistics?

And

I'm done.

Cam Patterson

has

done it again.

Bill Maher.

Cam, were you named after those things that follow you around every store you're in?

Who the fuck is Bill Maher, nigga?

It's an old N-word.

I don't want to say it again.

I just scream it in my pillow at night.

I don't want to say it on live TV again.

I got in trouble.

Oh, my goodness.

Big Jay Okerson.

Oh, Cam, always hilarious.

but thank you.

I gotta ask you where you're from because I don't know where you're from, but wherever it is, your voice is from there.

I'm from Orlando.

Orlando.

Yeah.

The west side.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

What's the difference between the west side and the rest of Orlando?

Can you?

Well, it's the west side and it's the east side and a lot of Puerto Ricans and shit over there.

And then

the west side is black.

Perfect.

Where's Disney?

See, this.

Thank you for asking.

But Disney not in fucking Orlando, dog.

Disney is 30 minutes away in Kissimmee.

Wow.

Bullshit.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

Everybody go, Orlando is Disney.

No, the fuck, we not.

Wow.

Fucking, fuck, fuck Disney World, nigga.

I hate Disney World.

Orlando, it ain't Disney out here.

Yeah.

What's on the south side of Orlando?

I don't know what that's.

I don't know where that's at.

You never drove through there down there.

No one knows where that is.

How about the north side?

Neither.

Wow.

One way south, one way north.

Who knows?

You just pointed right and left.

So I'm getting the feeling that you're not exactly sure

what north and south mean.

Correct.

One way is north, the other way is south.

Incredible.

Incredible.

That's blowing my mind.

Why does everyone think it's Orlando?

What's crazy?

It was 30 minutes away, so it's easy to be like, oh, it's Orlando.

And then it's at Kissimmee.

That's the airport because that's the airport you're flying.

Yeah.

So everybody will say, yeah, yeah, it's an Orlando, but it's not.

They keep Disney away from niggas like me, man.

Yeah.

Far away from niggas like me.

Okay.

What?

For real, though.

No, yeah, no.

I know.

The last thing.

The last thing.

Yeah.

I'm a good guy, nah.

I do comedy.

Absolutely.

Type shit.

That's my uncle.

Absolutely.

But you would go to Disney World a lot, right?

Fuck no, fuck Disney World.

Why?

It's pussy.

It's for kids, man.

And any grown adult that likes disney past the age of four is fucking gay

it's an arguable wow it's a lot of gay five and six year olds out there

it's not wrong i hate that what i want to ask about the new disney stuff what is

there's a lot of there's a lot of uh

there's a lot of tron

right okay there you go about tron

that's a way to all right You gotta get that Tron thing in there.

Do you own stock in Tron or something?

Just say Tron.

Brian, we gotta work on your black people's small thing.

Yeah.

What about Tron?

Sounds like one of your people.

Tron.

I know it's Tron.

My cousin ain't Natron.

Yeah.

Natron?

Yeah, real shit.

That's hilarious.

That's real shit.

Really?

His name is Natron, yeah.

Like in your phone, it says Natron?

Yeah, I think I've

wow.

Oh, my goodness.

You're getting your.

I saw you on Instagram.

Wow.

Natron.

That sounds about right.

Natron Jenkins wide receiver, University of Alabama.

What that shit right there?

Look.

Oh, my God.

Natron, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, my cousin.

His real name, nigga.

Spelled how you think.

Three apostrophes, like Flavor Flave, David.

So parentheses in there for some reason.

Only at the end, though.

What does an Atron do for a living?

He do a lot of shit.

Well, I got to stop talking about him on this show because last time he got fired.

But

he do a bouncy house shit, shit like that.

A what?

Like about he got a bouncy house business.

A bouncy house business?

Yeah, yeah.

Get the fuck out of here.

Holy shit.

Hell yeah.

What Benny Boy would have done for a bouncy house while trying to steal a television.

Can you imagine?

That was hilarious, dog.

That's crazy.

That old nigga crazy.

No one loves a good stealing someone's TV story as much as...

I was just like, whoa, this is genius.

Wait till they eat the sandwich.

I never thought about that, man.

You're like, this guy's a logistics genius.

Unbelievable.

Cam, you're a superstar.

Another rock solid minute.

You've done it again.

We love you.

He's on tour.

He's fucking killing it all around the world, ladies and gentlemen.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-Belt is in Bill Maher, ladies and gentlemen.

Am I right?

Tune in.

He is repping Kyle Dunagan.

Kyle Dunne.

Tune into my show.

Next week, we have Oprah Winfrey and the Storage Wars cast.

So check out my real-time show.

Bill Maher, you are the man.

Kyle Dunne is on tour.

Kyle Dunagan famously did an RFK Jr.

impression on this show, which was absolutely incredible.

We love Kyle Dunnegan.

It's amazing that we have that in common, that we love Kyle Dunnegan.

That's fantastic.

Kyle Dunnegan.com.

How about a big hand to the great Big J Okerson, everybody?

Them, they.

Them is out now on YouTube at Big J Okerson.

They comes out in April.

Big J, our big brother from another mother in New York.

We've always said that.

I love you, my man.

Thank you so much for having me on.

Short notice, too.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Absolutely.

Truly one of the greats.

Big J Okerson, Bill Maher slash Kyle Dunne.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew while we were goofing around.

Ooh, Ari Maddie.

Look at that.

Wow.

Who couldn't make it?

Violently ill in the final minutes before the show.

Yeah.

He's doing the Lord's work touring the country out there.

All these guys are working so hard.

We have a massive announcement that is happening

right now.

I can't even say it right now, but when this episode is out, check out the Kill Tony Show Instagram and our own Instagrams, and you're going to see what we're announcing.

If not right now, then tomorrow.

So it's a huge announcement.

No.

No, I can't announce it now.

You're gonna find out with everybody else.

This lady's seriously mad.

Why the fuck would you fucking do that to us?

I can't even get that.

God, I can't imagine being your boyfriend.

Look at this poor guy.

God, what do you go through, sir?

Is it really worth it?

My god, that's sad.

Express VPN, ZipRecruiter, and prize picks.

We thank you, unbelievable sponsors that keep the whole thing running.

Shout out to Bones Eye, working overtime, kicking out these joke books available at killmerch.com.

A ton of new unbelievable merch.

The new dark Kill Tony hat, which I love,

is now for sale.

There's a new fucking Kill Tony thermoses.

There's a whole bunch of fun shit out there.

Killmerch.com.

And the tour dates are,

yeah, you're going to find out.

There you go.

Big

global announcement coming tomorrow or tonight if you're a comedy fan you have to check out skank fest this year it's in new orleans you gotta go go to skank fest get your tickets fucking amazing sells out immediately so make sure you uh get it while you can and check out everything kyle dunagan follow him on instagram and all social media same with big j check out their specials see them on tour audience we love you thank you for coming to austin texas god bless you and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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