#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN

Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Grandman coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of the episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony Etzburg.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Evie!

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Welcome everyone!

And that's the best damn band in all of the land, proving it yet again.

Make some noise for them, everybody.

Fernando Castillo, Rahu Vallejo, Carlos Osa, Nachos Belgrande.

That is Big Mike, believe it or not.

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Isn't he adorable, ladies and gentlemen?

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How about a hand for the great Matt Muelling, everybody?

Fresh off of an audition to be one of the new home alone villains, clearly.

The great John Dees is here, everyone.

And absolutely adorable, dressed like a skeleton tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed D-madness on the base.

Oh my goodness.

Everything is in its place.

The crew is golden tonight.

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Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite comedians, two of the best guests in the history of the show.

If you guys know and love comedy podcasting, then you know these motherfuckers.

Absolutely amazing.

Literally, the best.

Two of the best guests possible.

Make some goddamn noise for the RU garbage guys.

Kevin Ryan and H.

Foley.

You sit there.

Oh yeah, no, you sit here.

Yeah.

There he is.

There they are Kevin Ryan H Foley on a beautiful beautiful Monday evening welcome gentlemen.

Let's fucking go mothership.

God damn for you guys that don't know they are the hosts of literally what I consider one of the only listenable comedy podcasts in the world.

I don't really listen or watch anybody's podcasts including all my best friends

But these two

run a show, Are You Garbage?

And you find out what's kind of trashy about the guests and there's a lot there's a lot yeah it turns out for sure i'm garbage

you were not classy that's definitely yeah nope born poor sure had to survive had to make some things happen many a trips to subway load up the sub five dollars back in the dizzle grew up on black olives that's right maraschino cherries show up in my dna to this day i got a blood test two percent maraschino What's been going on, boys?

Everything good?

Route 66, the new special,

are you garbage special on are you garbage on YouTube?

So youtube.com/slash are you garbage.

What do you guys do there?

We did Route 66 tour Chicago to LA on a bus.

Did nine cities, nine shows in like 10 days, and we filmed the whole thing.

A lot of behind the scenes,

a lot of the live show.

It's a good fucking time.

It's a great time.

This is nice.

This is new, isn't it?

You don't know what you used to normally do.

This a little panel when when you come out.

Well, I mean, you know, I like you guys.

This is fucking real.

This is me.

I feel like I'm on Graham Norton.

I love that.

Yeah, Graham Norton.

Wow, you really made it.

You made it.

Graham Norton.

What a reference.

You know that show no one watches?

That's what it feels like I'm on right now.

What are you talking about?

Fucking good show.

It's British trash.

Yeah.

But you guys have been on this show numerous times,

much like Graham Norton's favorite guests.

I've i've had you on multiple times

you guys know how it works if you get pulled out of this bucket you get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means you have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry west hollywood bear

i'm gonna let one of these lovely lesbians in the front row pick out her name to start the show that'll be first and while Our sweet, sweet crew goes and wrangles the comedian from across the street, we're going to get it started with one of our favorite golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

An absolute

sweet, sweet, sweet little fucking enchilada that we found many years ago in Houston, Texas.

A long-tenured golden ticket winner here with the new minute.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the adorable and powerful.

This is Enrique Chacone, everyone.

That was hello and illegal.

How the the fuck we feeling all stead.

Yeah, man, I heard that ICE is detaining Latinos that look illegal, man.

That's why I tell everybody that I'm a trans, you know.

Not the kind that chops your dick off, the kind that's really good at Rubik's Cuban.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I'm a trans Asian, man.

I think I'll be the most annoying person to deport on a flight.

Like, oh man, I know I don't have any rights, but can I at least get the window seat and an extra foil blanket?

I want to go back into my my country looking like an illegal Pop-Tart, you know?

My dad, he was a veteran in El Salvador.

He hated communism.

I hated communism.

And fuck communism.

I can't even share an appetizer.

He used to tell me how he would torture communists, right?

Apparently, he used to tie them up naked, throw cold water at them, and slap their feet afterwards so they can get pneumonia and die.

And I'm like, damn, dad, that's kind of game.

If you do that shit to me, I'm going to come.

Thank you.

That's been my time.

Fuck yeah.

There he is.

Ooh, takes the glasses off after this set.

What a little rock star we got.

Holy shit.

I love it, Enrique.

Rock solid.

One of my favorite minutes of yours.

Thank you, man.

Talking about topical stuff.

Relatable as fuck, bro.

I'm actually at risk of deportation.

I bet you could slip right out of their grasp.

Look at how sweaty you are, Enrique.

It is literally, we keep a thermometer here at all times.

People think it's a joke.

It's real.

67.3 degrees Fahrenheit.

Hey, 67 degrees.

And look at that forehead right now.

Can you control that?

Can you turn it down?

The kid's right.

I didn't take my jacket off my stinks.

I thought it was having a goddamn jacket.

We got a couple of big guys here.

Is that what you ask the doctor after he takes your blood pressure?

Hey, can you turn that down, dude?

I don't even know, man.

I'm just having fun, dude.

I don't even share appetizers, dude.

My cholesterol is loud as shit.

That's why I'm wearing these tight-ass jeans.

They help with the blood pressure.

Those are ridiculous.

Those are vinyl jeans.

Yeah,

those are compression jeans.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Unbelievable.

My man.

I'm lying.

These are actually airbrushed on me.

You know what I mean?

You are true.

I'm a kanky motherfucker.

Build like an ice cream cone.

Very tiny ankles.

Getting bigger as it goes up.

Sugar cone.

And a lot of sugar cone.

That's what I'm looking for.

Our senior ice cream cone correspondent, Brian Redband, correcting me, it is a sugar cone, not a baby cone.

We all know the differences in the cones.

Has anyone ever called you a sugar cone before?

I don't know, but hey, at at least people would pay $5.75 to lick me.

You know what I mean?

Whoa,

there's some people vomiting in the crowd right now.

Absolutely incredible.

You have a wristband that looks extremely tight.

Seems like your hand is going to be deported before the rest of you.

What is that wristband?

And

how are you ever going to get it?

Eyes gave it to me.

They're like, okay, well, you're cool right now, but we're watching you.

And they gave me this.

I'm actively swelling up right now.

I'm just, you know, turning puffy like a nipple here, dude.

Oh, man.

I

love it.

It is.

He's wiping the sweat out of his eyes.

You would think he's in round 10 of a boxing match right now if he's just joining us.

Jake Paul, where are you at?

His hair is sweating.

I've never seen sweating.

His hair is coming from the top of his head.

He's literally, I made a lot of ice cream cone references while he melts up here tonight.

Hey, he's got a winter coat on.

Leave the kid alone.

Exactly.

Look, this is all just a big global warming advertisement, all right?

It's hot up here.

It's not.

We have the facts.

Enrique, a great set.

Are some of your family members illegal?

Let's talk about that.

Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't.

Fucking right, yeah.

They're out there somewhere in Texas.

And yeah, man, actually, but actually my status, I have something called the the DACA status, which if you're a Republican, you probably don't fucking give a fuck.

It was given to me in 2008 by Barack Obama, so technically he's my daddy, you know.

But yeah, I have a driver's license and a social.

I can't vote, but I can like your page on Facebook.

That's something that I found out I can't do.

They don't let you vote?

The Democrats that let you here don't want you to vote?

I've never heard of such a thing.

They don't, but they still want me to donate $5 to the blue shit or whatever.

Yeah, I bet.

Yeah.

I bet.

By blue shit, do you mean your left hand that is slowly turning up?

That ring's tight as shit, dude, anyway.

Yeah.

I need a jaws of life to get off.

Yeah, that thing's never coming off.

What kind of ring is that?

What do you got there?

It's a ring that my girlfriend gave me, bro.

We're damn near engaged, dude.

Wow.

Did you get her a ring as well?

Yeah, I did get her ring.

And an onion ring?

No way, Tony.

I don't be sharing those, dude.

Those are for me, dude.

Advertisers.

I brought one home for her, but that shit didn't make it to her fingers.

Oh, you're still invited to the wedding, Tony.

Fuck.

I bet I am.

Yeah.

I bet.

What else is going on?

Things are good with the girl?

Things are good with my girl, man.

Well, you know, I recently opened up an Airbnb, so that's badass, right?

And you know what?

I never heard that sentence ever.

Yeah, what do you mean by that exactly?

So I have a seven-acre property with my girl, right?

So we opened up an Airbnb in the cabin, you know, like in the middle of our property.

And, you know, I thought I was going to be an entrepreneur and everything right after I did that.

But now I'm just a fucking housekeeper, a maid, and a handyman.

So I just kind of regressed.

Wow.

Are there people staying at your Airbnb?

Yeah, I have 4.89 stars right now on there.

Oh.

you know, I've been cleaning them bed sheets, bro.

I'm the one that's cleaning that.

Wow.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

Look at you.

What was the negative part to make it not a five-star, though?

Yeah.

What do you think drags?

Sweaty sheets.

They can probably hear me snoring, dude, you know?

How far is this property from where you sleep?

Oh,

it's like maybe like 30 steps away.

30 steps away?

It's connected.

You guys share a wall?

No, we don't share a wall or anything.

It's divided by like a fence, you know.

That's the only wall I can't go across and back from.

Yes, that is true.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at the sweat pouring.

It's crazy.

Nobody got an extra time over here, dude.

Enrique, remind us all how old you are.

I am 28 years young right now.

28.

28.

And by the amount of sweat, he just on the the Kill Tony death poll just passed up Brian Redban on the mountaintop.

Absolutely incredible.

Brian is 50 and gray, and you just passed him up at 28 years old.

You are the most likely to die next.

How does that make you feel, Enrique?

You know, make the funeral special, please.

There he goes.

Enrique Chacone, everybody, getting the show started.

I love you guys.

All right.

It is time to go to the bucket.

The famous part of the show where we meet people, find people.

Could be the next great talent.

Could be somebody that thought they were going to do great.

Could be somebody's first time.

Could be a 20-year better.

And here.

to try to make it for the first time ever in their lives.

Anything can happen.

Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night.

It is Brooke riddell everyone brooke riddell here on killtony brought to you by talk space and shopify

uh i love to eavesdrop i was listening to this black couple talk about their friend janae whoo crazy bitch okay so she has this on again off again relationship with her boyfriend right She leaves him.

She starts performing naked, heavily using drugs, and then finds out she has AIDS.

So she goes back to her boyfriend, right, and is like, you know what?

I still love you, Forrest.

They were talking about the plot of Forrest Gump.

And my racist ass thought Jennae was just this interesting black woman with a past.

So I don't eavesdrop anymore.

I've been thinking about the Holocaust a lot lately.

Specifically, because I just got a dog, and my landlord doesn't know.

So he'll start barking, right?

And I'm like, shut up.

The Gestapo's coming.

You got to keep it quiet.

What would Anne do?

She'd write it down.

Famously, she'd write it down.

Thanks, guys.

I've been Brooke.

Brooke Riddell.

Hello, Brooke.

This is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Stand-up for two years.

Where at?

At L.A.

Okay.

Yeah.

Why do you laugh when you say LA?

Because I know.

Because we know.

We know how you feel about L.A.

Wait,

what does that mean?

I lived in L.A.

for almost two decades.

How do I feel about LA?

Well, when I signed up, they were like, I'm sorry, when they said how long and where.

Who said that?

One of the production assistants?

Yeah, sorry.

We all love L.A.

here.

We love it.

Are you from LA?

I'm from Solvang, California.

Yeah.

Whoa, applause break from Redband.

That must mean there's a Friendly's burger joint there or something.

I don't know.

What's Solvent?

Solving is the Danish capital of America, and it's actually where I think Karen's from, who's been on your show a few times.

Karen?

Yeah.

Yeah, Karen Jones.

Oh, okay.

That's a wild name to drop.

All right.

Well, I'm just named to the town.

Okay.

All right.

We don't claim her anymore.

Are you Danish?

I'm not.

No, I'm actually Finnish, but hey, tomatoes, tomatoes.

Hell yeah.

Well, I was wondering when you were going to finish when you were performing.

Seemed like it was never going to end.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm not kidding, but I am kidding.

Brooke, amazing.

So two years, you're in L.A.

now.

You live there.

How's that going for you?

Tell us your thoughts on

Los Angeles.

Well, it sucks because the fires, but hey, we like it.

So.

Hey, maybe what started the fires, by the way.

Yeah, that's true.

A lot of dried

hay.

Yeah, and I've been doing groundlings and performing clubs around LA, and so it's an honor to be here on this stage and perform for you guys.

So, absolutely.

What do you do for a living, Brooke?

How do you make money?

I do creative advertising.

Okay.

Yeah.

What does that mean exactly?

What do you do?

I do it for Disney movies.

Wow.

So, like, what are some ideas that you come up with?

Are you the one that's like, make it a black person?

It's time for

It's time for more black people.

This movie wasn't good enough when it was white.

We need more black people, am I right?

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black.

All right.

So what do you do at Disney?

What are some things that you do?

Creative advertising, so like the billboards and the movie posters and trailers and stuff like that.

All right, very good.

What do you think about the direction of Disney right now?

What would be a note that you would have to the head of Disney if he was here right now?

Yes.

By the way, Red Band thinks it's Mickey Mouse.

He thinks that

the CEO of Disney is the actual Mickey Mouse.

A note would probably be less notes because I feel like everyone has their hands in the pie and that's what makes things not organic.

That's an unbelievably great answer.

Yeah, Mickey does not like that at all.

Ha ha, you're fired.

I love it.

Can all fat guys do that?

This is incredible.

This is amazing.

I didn't know.

Let me try.

Ha, you're fired.

No.

Hey, I'm Mickey Mouse.

Yeah, I guess.

I haven't stopped thinking about friendlies in five minutes.

Who don't like a fribble?

I love it.

So, Brooke, you're down in the big city now.

You're originally from like the middle of nowhere, California.

And so what do you do for fun when you're in LA trying to have some fun?

Well, I love doing this.

I also love to like paint and I'm very creative.

I do calligraphy.

So and my husband's also comic who's across the street.

So we're both doing this together.

You can't believe I got pulled first.

So wow.

Amazing.

How long has he been doing stand-up?

Two years as well.

Wow.

You guys started at the same time.

Well, I've been doing improv and like sketch comedy longer, but then once he started to do it, I thought I should try to.

Right.

Is he funnier than than you uh no that is that is a good answer I like that nice

good all right Mickey

I love it what's something we'd be shocked to know about you interesting fun fact about your life

Well, I thought solving was pretty interesting because no one knows what the hell that is and it's a Danish capital, but my family actually owns the Danish bakery there that does all of the gingerbread houses for like the celebrities of the world.

So gingerbread.

Oh my goodness.

Look how excited H.

Foley is right now.

He cannot hide his giddiness.

He's slipping out of his seat right now.

He's wondering if you could have perhaps a gingerbread mansion for sale.

Is there perhaps a neighborhood for sale of gingerbread houses?

Come drop bushes.

I'm in love.

He wants to Airbnb some of these gingerbread houses.

This fat guy is eating the sidewalk.

That's not even gingerbread.

Solving's the town is called, it's called Solving.

Solving.

It's Solving the Murder.

It's from California and it's the Danish capital.

So a lot of Danish people live there.

Yeah.

And a lot of gingerbread houses.

Yeah.

It does look like a gingerbread house town.

It's a bunch of wineries.

It's an awesome place to take.

Like a girlfriend.

Red Band.

That's how we end up in some witch's pot or some shit like that.

Right this way, boys.

Red man.

They get together.

I hear there's a whole town made of gingerbread.

They meet up at their meetings and fucking share stories.

It's like Midnight Cowboy.

We're on a bus.

My nose is bleeding.

Don't worry, fully.

I'm going to get you there.

Nobody saw Midnight Cowboy.

Okay.

Deep cut.

If you watch Graham Norton, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh my God.

What does your husband do for work?

He works for goop.

What does that mean?

Oh shit.

What is that?

When is Paltrow?

Well, he works in the supply chain, but he was.

Okay.

He was.

Wow, there's some real supply sluts in the audience tonight.

Jesus Christ.

Get back on the line.

Get back on the line, bitches.

They make vagina candles.

Ah,

Polly's second favorite thing.

Yeah.

Gingerbread houses and vagina candles.

That's a Disney movie.

Let's go.

I love it.

Well, Brooke, congratulations.

You got pulled first.

You got it started.

Here's a little joke book.

Go show it to your husband.

And it goes on and on.

One more time for Brooke, everybody.

There she goes.

The show has begun.

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Your next comedian, I do believe, has been on before.

Make some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, everybody.

Phoenix Provocateur.

Here we go.

So, one of the best parts about my life right now is that my boyfriend goes to work all day and then he wants to come home and suck my dick.

So, sometimes going around straight people feels like going cow tipping.

Are they awake?

Are they not?

We'll get there.

So over the holidays,

my great grandma told me that

the best nigga to be, or the worst nigga to be, my bad, the worst nigga to be

is a white nigga.

Now this is a 90-year-old woman.

She tells me shit like that all the time.

She told me when she was little that she used to terrorize white kids by saying, God loves us more because

he took the time to color us in

i think it makes sense i think it makes sense and then they had me and i think she questioned everything after that but it's okay it's all right

um

so

all right that's it for phoenix i'll stop there boom

This is your second time on this show.

Yes.

How could I forget a Phoenix provocateur?

Never.

One of the rare

whatever the fuck you are.

I don't even know exactly how to label you.

Some type of African dragon or something like that.

I'm not exactly sure.

You can call me whatever you want as long as you pay me eventually.

Well,

looks like I'll stick with Phoenix Provocateur then.

There we go.

That's what I thought.

I'm not in the business of paying these bucket pools.

Just curious how much, just for my personal information.

This is a what if.

Just give me your wallet.

and we'll make it work.

Oh, shit.

Hurry up again.

Almost hard right now.

Yeah.

Time to slowly take things out of your wallet and then hand it to it.

Right.

Her.

Her?

Her.

I got about seven layers on, so we'll make it through the whole wallet.

Okay.

I think he's more interested in the bottom layer.

Yeah.

Phoenix, welcome back.

Do you live here in Austin?

I do.

Okay.

What do you do for work again?

I don't.

You don't work.

Wow.

Oh, my my goodness.

You really are a woman.

Yeah.

The supply ladies are pissed.

It's like, well, Sonny,

we work so hard.

I've been with an oil field man for a couple years.

An oil field man.

Yeah, I cook, clean, smoke dick, and suck weed.

Okay.

We'll put it together.

Yeah.

All right.

That's amazing.

And you guys live together full-time?

Yes.

It's been about five years.

And how much time does he spend on the oil field?

Now he works in a crane here, but before it was like four years before we moved out here.

Okay.

Is the crane that he works on in your pants?

No.

Is the oil field that he works with your ass?

I have so many questions.

No.

That's cool.

That's fun.

What do you guys do for fun?

What's a date night for people like y'all?

Is he like uh excited like he's white oh wow yeah okay

is he taller than you no there's not a lot of people that are taller than

Matt Muelling has a great question he's putting it together white guy works in oil fields is it uncle laser the world wants to know if your five-year relationship is uncle laser he fucking wishes i bet

I bet.

Wait, why does he wish he's Uncle Laser?

Or Uncle Laser wishes.

Uncle Laser wishes.

Yes, guaranteed Uncle Laser.

Where was I?

I asked a couple of years.

What was the last job you had?

The last job I had.

I was delivering for Amazon.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

So there's that.

Yep, you still have a package.

And I broke my...

Talk about the back door.

Yeah.

Kevin's been waiting for that package for four and a half minutes.

And it is prime.

And it looks like it came from the Amazon.

All right.

Hey, what?

No.

No, it came from El Paso.

Oh, that's right.

El Paso.

My goodness.

So, how old were you when you moved to Austin?

It was like a year ago.

Okay.

So 27.

Is there anything you miss about El Paso?

No.

El Paso.

Family.

There's family out there.

Okay.

That's it.

Did they miss you?

For sure.

Yeah,

they love you.

I'm the most colorful person in the family.

of course they miss me absolutely and you're probably what the most flamboyant right eccentric you would say for now well what do you think's happening you got a little nephew acting a fool

A bunch of them.

A lot of them want to be entertainers, so they're going to be colorful one way or another.

What's happening with these kids?

Nothing but fucking their iPhones, iPads all the time.

They're fucking vaccinated.

These kids are coming out gay as fuck.

There's a whole new purple wave coming.

That part.

I just saw a TikTok the other day of this kid or there was this guy standing in the mirror somewhere like taking his shirt off like oh yeah I'm at the gym or whatever and this kid walks in and uh he goes oh this is a this is the boys bathroom and the kid goes Yeah, I know.

I'm a boy.

I just wore girls' clothes and then slammed the stall door behind them.

Like, shut the fuck up.

Like, mind your own business, you loser.

I thought it was the cuntiest thing I've ever fucking saw because that was me as a kid.

I'm not weird.

You're weird.

Mind your own fucking business.

Fuck yeah.

Okay, stop that.

All right, perfect.

So, uh, Phoenix, how's comedy been going?

What have you been doing?

What are some good gigs you've done lately?

What are you looking forward to?

Well, I just did Nashville again, probably a couple weeks ago.

And honestly, I don't know.

I'm just looking to try to like break the glass ceiling a little bit.

I've been on stages for like 14 years.

so right at this point if i'm not getting paid i don't really move off of my couch because i got dick and weed and champagne at home so that's incredible such a you know what you like

you know these people that like stayed the same gender their whole lives they fucking they make things too complicated it seems

for sure for sure colors and knowing where your asshole's at is a lot of fun

that's what i always said

This grandma of yours, are you still close with your grandma?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All my family.

We're all a little senile, but yeah, we're all still around.

Senile?

Crazy.

Just crazy.

Great.

We're all crazy.

What does grandma think about?

Did she know that you were going to end?

When do you think everyone...

You're really tiptoeing around this.

I've never seen Tony blush.

That's crazy.

Being on my tiptoes is the only way to hang out with Phoenix.

She is a big lady.

I'm not that big.

Damn.

You are a power forward.

What are you talking about?

You are getting rebounds above everybody on this fucking...

She got high heels on.

If I did a jump split, all of the lights on 6th Street would go out.

And that's just because of my dick.

I bet it would.

I bet it would.

I love it.

So all your time on stage, you said 14 years you've been on stages.

What were you doing again the rest of the time?

I became a national champion as a dancer and then I became an infamous drag queen here in the state of Texas where I just bring fear amongst everybody.

They hate to see this ponytail.

Oh, I don't have a ponytail right now.

Normally I do.

But they hate to see this fucking hair coming because I'm one of the highest paid girls on any fucking show I'm on.

And that's with tips.

Crowd applause, whatever.

Yes.

So I come here to say, I don't come here to ask if I'm entertaining.

That's already been proven, verified, and decorated.

I come here to get another ring, if that makes sense.

Right?

Absolutely.

Sharpen another knife.

Absolutely.

Incredible.

Guys, what do you think about Phoenix Provocator?

It's like

oddly turned on and also very, very scared.

Yep.

Yep.

Goes deep.

You're captivating.

Yeah.

That's the brand.

It's working.

I am confused.

I'll give you that.

You guys are from New York.

I bet you didn't think that we had these in Texas.

Avatars?

Well,

I'll take that.

I'll take that.

A lot of people don't know that Texas is known for its trannies and its drag queens.

We're everywhere here.

It's just not

something the media wants you to know.

We're fucking here.

The fake news is not reporting that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love it.

H.

Foley, what do you think?

You're being awfully quiet over there.

I know.

This is right in Foley's wheelhouse, by the way.

Yeah.

He loves sweets.

I don't know if Adam's apple is

on that list of his favorite sweets.

There are surgeries for that.

I'm a Tober Lone Man.

Don't worry.

You're what?

Is it on that again?

European candy.

It's long.

Tootsie roll.

Oh.

Is this another Midnight Cowboy reference coming here?

Some deep cuts coming for me.

I love it.

Do you have you ever played sports a bunch of sports yeah i did track cos

cos

i literally almost said cock country

cross country yeah cross country basketball and then uh dance was my main thing right so did i make you dance last time you were here you didn't they were playing uh

Dude looks like a lady the last time I was here.

Sorry about that.

I don't want to voice it to that.

This band can really they play that all the time for everybody.

I don't know why.

With that, I want to say y'all are lucky I put my fucking microphone down because I would have lit y'all asses up.

Oh shit, she would have licked y'all asses up.

Did you hear that?

Can you believe that?

All right.

Can we get like just a few seconds of a dance move or something like that on this thing?

Sure.

One, two, one.

All right.

Hey.

This party is wild.

Wow, that is incredible.

That is so ladylike.

That is so so ladylike.

That is incredible.

Like, that's the part where it's like, oh, it's a fucking lady.

I told you I would have been a DCC if I didn't have a nine-inch dick.

What's a DCC?

A Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

Oh, okay.

But I also found out they only get paid $500, and I can make that in brunch, so fuck that.

Wow.

Look at that.

Absolutely incredible.

The guy in the front row is very excited.

I do believe.

Oh, yeah.

I do believe your dick slapped him in the forehead during one of those dance moves.

That is incredible.

It's still taped between my shoulder blades.

You are fine.

Phoenix, you got a big joke book last time you were here?

No, I got a little one.

Well, guess what, my friend?

There you go.

There's.

Were you going to catch it with your ass?

That's incredible.

Phoenix Provocateur, everybody.

There she goes.

We'll wait a second.

No way.

Wow.

I have been informed that the first girl's boyfriend has randomly been pulled out of the bucket

by our production team.

Oh shit.

The lovely Heidi is here, everybody.

So here he is.

This is Brooke Riddell's husband, who she said she's funnier than.

This is a minute uninterrupted from Adam Mitchell, everybody.

Here we go.

so I want to tell you about the time Mormons came to my door to spread the word of Jesus Christ for the first time I was a 13 year old kid they knock on the door I open it hello sir can we please talk to you about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

really get the fuck out of here they're like no we have to plus he's watching Like, all right.

Here's my mom.

You know, they always ask for the parent.

My mom's like the most Jewish lady ever.

She comes to the door.

Hello, boys.

How can I help you?

They're like, hello, miss.

Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Follow me.

I do have a pile of leaves, two rakes, and a trash can.

If you please clean the leaves, I'd love to listen to you talk about Jesus.

And they did.

And they mowed the lawn, and they cleaned out the garage.

And they came back.

I think my mom was the only person in our little town abusing, I mean, listening to these kids.

It was great.

They were doing the Lord's work and my work.

I didn't have to do chores for months.

All right.

Thanks, guys.

All right.

Adam Mitchell.

Okay.

Hi, Adam.

Hey, Tony.

How's it going?

Good.

How are you?

Good.

This is a magical night for you.

This is a dream come true.

Your wife was pulled out of the bucket two bucket pulls ago.

That's right.

In between you guys was a massive black tranny.

The only thing separating you guys was a Phoenix provocator.

Seven foot six inch in the air.

Bohemoth of a lovely lady.

She can dance.

She's multi-talented.

She left here with a big joke book.

Did you see her?

Yeah, beautiful.

Oh, look at this guy trying to make it in the show biz.

This guy wants to be in one of his ladies' Disney commercials.

Absolutely beautiful, Tony.

No, I'm kidding.

All right.

Adam, welcome, welcome.

How's it going?

So how do you feel about all this?

How do you think that minute went for you?

I think it went pretty well.

Pretty well.

All right.

Okay.

Some of those people.

Some people.

That's about the amount of people that voted for Kamala Harris in the last election.

Small percentage.

I love it.

Adam, tell us something that we don't already know about.

What do you do for work again?

Jesus Christ.

How could you forget?

Oh, my God.

You've been doing stand-up for two years.

You started because your girl was kind of doing improv and sketch, right?

Yeah, so she started about two years ago.

I started about a year ago.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

And what's the highlight of your comedy career so far?

What's the most fun you've ever had doing this?

I got to do the ice house a few weeks ago.

In Pasadena.

That's right.

That was a lot of fun.

And how long did you do on that set?

I think I did six or seven minutes.

All right.

And you kept their attention.

You kept it going?

Yeah.

What other types of things did you talk about?

You obviously did that Mormon story because if you're willing to do it in in front of millions of viewers, then that's part of it.

What else did you talk about?

I talk about Mexicans and

my big juicy ass.

What do you say?

So hold on a second here.

We're going to get to that.

We're going to get to that juicy ass.

What do you say about Mexicans on stage?

I have to know what the most white human being I've ever seen in my life, a guy who lives in a Danish, super white community, now L.A., but okay, what is it?

I mean, it is in Southern California, so I got a ton of Mexican friends and people I admire and that they're just super prideful people Yeah, you sound like me after the Trump rally.

This is great.

I have a lot of Latino friends.

My band's Latino

Everyone's Latino.

That's the white as shit.

Yeah,

I have tons of friends.

They're great admirable people.

No one says that.

I love taco salad.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

So what do you say about the Mexicans on stage?

So Mexico only has one gas station, Pemex, and Mexicans love to put Pemex stickers on their car.

And

like, you never see anybody with like an Arco sticker.

But you'll see, you know, Americans with NASA stickers.

It's a cool government agency.

They went to the moon, allegedly.

So

what Mexicans, I guess, are thinking is, you know, Pemex may not get us to Mars, but it will get us across the border.

You say I'm doing deep cuts?

Yeah.

You never had a Tobre Lone before?

You fucking animals?

This guy's talking about Mexican Wawas.

The fuck?

Get Phoenix back out here, goddammit.

Some eye candy.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, so, Adam, let's talk about your actual life some more.

Your childhood normal?

You do anything weird?

What's going on with you?

Raised by my single mom, was one of the only Jews in our little town.

You know, regular kids would ask me if Jews celebrated Thanksgiving every November.

You know, just normal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not from the town where your wife is, right?

Yeah, we're from the same town.

We're high school sweethearts.

Man, wow.

Wow.

One of the only Jewish families in the Danish and Finnish area?

Yeah.

Was that rough for you?

Was there a lot of anti-Semitism, as you guys call it?

I mean, I got called.

I don't know what.

Was there?

I mean, you get called Jew here and there, but I do it right back, you know.

Yeah, that would qualify.

Yeah.

How did did they say what was the meanest anybody?

Do an impression of the guy that was the meanest.

Okay, so I think people expected me, since I was Jewish, to be smart in class, so they'd copy my work and just get it all wrong.

So one day the kid behind me would like sneak over after he failed the test because I also failed it and just go, Jew!

Wow.

He wasn't wrong.

Yeah.

Yeah, he got that right.

Yeah.

Wow.

All right.

How's your single mom doing?

Oh, she's great.

She just retired.

She paints murals at the school she retired from.

Oh.

Yeah, she's an artist.

Okay, very nice.

And what exactly are you doing on this supply chain?

I just make sure

everything gets made and gets to the warehouse before it's supposed to launch.

That's what I would say if you asked me what supply chain management is.

Yeah.

Yeah, that seems like the most basic answer humanly possible.

Yeah.

Wow.

My goodness.

Adam, one last question.

What scares you?

What are you scared of?

What am I scared of?

Well, I'm a bit, I love cars, so I think dying in a car accident because I drive a lot.

I love cars, so probably dying in a car accident, driving too fast and being too reckless.

Do you drive fast?

What kind of car do you have?

I have an E90 320, the BMW 328.

It's nothing crazy, but.

Whoa.

It's 14 years old.

Yeah, it's sick.

You are Jewish, yeah.

Wow.

And you're inside of a 14 years.

It has a gas leak.

It has a gas leak?

Oh, okay.

That's an attempt at a Jew joke, I see.

Wow.

All right, well.

You and your girl can take your two tiny joke books and make a big one out of it if you try hard enough.

There he goes.

Adam Mitchell.

We're having fun here.

Everything's right on schedule.

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it's an exciting time make some noise for your next bucket pull his name is javier ramirez everyone javier

ramirez

hello everybody hello world good to be here

Okay, let's talk about it.

Contrary to popular belief, I have not yet yet gone through puberty.

I am puberty.

That is my favorite way to say I say, go inside of teenagers.

Who's with me?

No?

Oh, no.

But yeah, I just moved back to America.

Very happy about that.

It's cool to see slimy people sell everything, even kids.

So I wonder what a commercial with that.

Yeah.

Come on down.

We're running a sale on new children with features such as feistiness and easy disposability.

Ooh.

Call now or visit our website, theclintonfoundation.org.

Do you guys like impressions?

All right, here's one.

I have a pussy, I promise.

That's Michelle Obama.

Usually I'm not good at those, but that one is spot on.

All right.

Thank you.

Hell yeah.

Javier Ramirez.

Closing with his best joke.

Always a smart move.

Erases the memory of all the creepy shit you talked about before.

Yeah.

I do love kids.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, no.

I want to.

Sorry.

Go ahead.

No, sure.

If

you're going to be creepy, go right ahead.

It gives us something to work with.

How you doing, huh?

How are you?

How are you?

You've been on this show before.

Yes, once, and I was on with Matt Reif, yeah.

Okay.

Absolutely.

Good to see you guys, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, buddy, how are you?

Good doing good.

Yeah, no nervous at all.

All right.

What's going on?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

All right, Hawker.

All right.

So,

what do you do for work?

So I work in tech, but I'm really trying to.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Keep going.

And you're really hoping to what?

Just do more voiceover stuff, more comedy.

I've been doing a lot of comedy, and I love it.

My God, am I enamored with it?

Yeah, I just moved back to America, so I'm very happy to like bomb.

You know, just being here is the dream.

Yeah, it seems seems like you'd be very good at voiceover.

It seems like you would be good at that.

Have you done anything?

What have you done?

Yeah, I have friends that work over at Disney if you need some.

I love the Jews.

Okay.

Getting word you were just hired by Disney.

Congratulations.

There you go.

It's all happy.

Come at us trans.

I'll do it.

Yeah, just like regular commercials and like IVRs and like dumb stuff.

It's just like, it's a weird industry now, you know?

So comedy is really where it's at.

You know, I feel like, I don't know.

Can you say,

hold on a second.

Hold on.

Can you say

this is a brand new episode of Kill Tony live from the Comedy Mothership, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Henchcliffe?

This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

Do you know how to press random buttons

at inopportune times?

This is incredible.

Yeah.

This is incredible.

Holy shit.

This is amazing.

Oh, here we go.

I'm coming for you.

Heart noise.

All right.

All right.

That's what he does.

He's the best in the business, but I'm coming for you, Fatty.

Whoa.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh,

oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

Great.

Oh, uh-oh, look out.

Roasted.

All right.

Javier, what do you do for fun?

Well, really, I do a lot of hang out at comedy clubs.

I come see shows, go swimming, harass people.

I don't know.

Where do you go swimming at?

What kind of swimming is this?

Are you the guy drowning gay guys in the river?

Yeah.

Come on over here.

Let's go for a swim, my little friend.

London.

No one's going to hear you scream.

I muffled them, baby, you know.

But yeah, just mostly a lot of comedy.

I'm always at a creek and yeah, hanging out, you know.

Okay,

when did your voice start to sound?

How old were you when your voice started sounding?

It was about 15.

It was very confusing.

Did not really know.

How long have you been a ghost?

Get out.

There you go.

You know, I was definitely creepy from before that.

So, you know.

What was creepy before that?

Everything about it.

You look like if AI made a pedophile.

Oh, thank you.

I earned this mustache.

I'll tell you that right now.

He's only got four fingers.

Shit.

It's a deep cut.

Wait, what, really?

Why?

That's from the Graham Norton show, right?

Graham Norton.

Trying to expand to European markets here.

I love it.

Javier, do you have a girlfriend?

A boyfriend?

I'm fucking.

What are you fucking exactly, Javier?

No, I'm actually.

I haven't kissed anybody here.

Yeah, very funny.

All right.

No, I'm not.

It's hard to date here in Austin.

There's a bunch of whores around, you know.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

That would mean that it's easy to date.

Well, yeah, you know, it's been fun, but, you know, I really want to, you know, a traditional, you know, I just moved back from Costa Rica, so it's like I wanted one that I could talk to, you know what I mean?

What?

What do you, what do you mean?

I don't know what you mean.

I don't know.

It's, it's just that

these white.

Go ahead.

Let it out.

No, no, I love, I love the whites.

I love all of them.

You know, it's just fun.

It's just like, it's a dating city, you know.

So it's not really.

I'm trying to.

What?

You're this part you're you've had answers for everything up until this part right here.

Yes, what's a date with you like?

What is what what what's going on here?

I bomb a lot

No, it's fun.

I like to you know have fun with him and then

He sounds like he's never talked to a girl before.

Yeah, this is freaking me out.

I talk to him and we go swimming.

Yeah, I think we should make this guy sweat.

Let's do a little segment on a date with Heidi, everybody.

Heidi, we've done this before.

There's nothing like watching a nervous man who's not good at dating look Heidi directly in the eyes.

Heidi, grab that microphone right there.

Let go of her hand, you freak.

Very high.

All right, let's get the lighting right for this, guys.

This is a little date session.

There you guys are.

Good to see you.

You look fantastic, Heidi.

How are you doing?

Oh,

yeah.

So, what do you like to do usually when you're not with Tony?

I like to dream about being with Tony.

Oh, yeah.

Do you like to read books?

Do you listen to books?

I do.

I do both, actually.

I listen and I read books.

I would love to read to you, baby.

Let me tell you.

With that voice, you can tell me literally anything.

Yeah.

Do you like smut?

I know that science.

I don't like smut.

Well, do you?

I don't know.

What is smut?

Well, I've come to to realize, you guys,

what you're reading is horrible, terrible things.

I don't know.

What do you like to read, Heidi?

I like to read.

You really are bad at this, Javier.

This is absolutely incredible.

A lot of two questions at a time.

Do you read books?

Do you listen to books?

Yeah, just one thing at a time, please.

Yes.

A lot of Dostoevsky philosophical books.

All right, Heidi, we get it.

You're smart, too.

Don't show off.

Heidi is smart.

Make it about Javier, Heidi.

Make it about Javier.

Javier, we're going to give you another another shot

let's pretend like you're deeper into the date right you guys have already eaten the waiter just asked if you guys want dessert she wanted cheesecake he walks away now you're planning your next move javier what do you say to heidi look her directly in the eyes do not break eye contact with heidi

heidi you do not have to touch him during this season

Really got into it there.

The waiter walks away and action.

So,

do you you like a dark spirit?

Jesus Christ.

Can you think of anything creepier to say?

Jesus fucking Christ, Javier.

Do you like it when ghosts crawl out from under your bed?

Are you into worms by any chance?

Please don't take me to Lady Berg late.

Oh, no, baby.

You're going straight in a barrel.

All right.

All right.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry.

All right.

I'm trying so hard, Javier.

I'm trying to get you to close strong.

Let's try it again.

Dessert order taken.

Waiter walks away.

And action.

Do you like

Latin men?

Latin men, have you ever been with Latin men?

Ah, see.

Very passionate lovers.

You do know that, yes.

Hey, shut up, my bean.

All right.

Keep it on the fucking date.

Keep it on the fucking day.

What is it about a Latin man that you find attractive?

I like the passion.

Yes.

Yes.

I like the language.

I love the language.

I love the voices.

Oh, yeah.

You know, we all sound like this, yes.

Hopefully.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know,

I have a studio if you want to go check it out.

You know, we can record or do stuff.

What sort of studio are we talking here?

I do audio stuff.

Do you like books?

All right.

Heidi, get out of here.

He's short-circuiting.

All he can talk about is books.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

A lot of people don't know this.

Heidi speaks like 11 languages.

She's like the fucking

Hans Londa of this show.

I've spoken with Heidi.

She's very smart.

I don't like to say that.

Wait, what did you say to that?

Well, yeah.

Well, I spoke to Heidi before, like when I did the show, I spoke to Heidi more.

You spoke to Heidi?

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

Did you say you worked with Heidi?

No, no, no.

After the Kill Tony from last time,

just spoke.

Oh, how are you guys on doing, huh?

I'm sorry, guys.

You should be, you could be just a lot more relaxed.

It's unbelievable what women do to you.

What happened to you?

Did someone, did someone bully?

Were you bullied by a woman or something?

You're my set.

Come on now.

No,

I love women.

I'm trying to do it.

He's like a robot.

This is me in the mirror before going to work.

I love women.

You're a man and you love women.

Yes.

You're a real man and you love women.

You're a good comedian and a good friend.

Jesus, dude.

Who knew the movie phone guy was such a creep?

Coming this summer, me.

All right.

Why don't you just tell me how you want me to rotate you?

Javier.

Did you get a little jokebook left?

I got a little one left.

There you go, and that remains the same.

Doing it.

Javier.

Gotta

remire,

everybody.

What the fuck was that?

Put that in the mic stand, Javier.

Jesus Christ.

My bad on that.

What kind of Ramirez doesn't finish the job?

Put the mic where you found it.

Put it on the X, you crazy bastard.

This fucking diva over here, you can't close with a woman or a set

Javier Ramirez attention all small biz owners at the UPS store you can count on us to handle your packages with care with our certified packing experts your packages are properly packed and protected

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Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have another,

not even a regular, not a golden ticket winner.

He's always been a special utensil, a very polarizing figure.

You know,

word is, is that the people on the internet don't like him.

People in live crowds love him, it seems.

We can't really...

He's one of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show.

Here, within New Minute, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Uncle Lazer.

All right, bitch, relax.

You're who I'm talking about.

Listen, Kanye West said,

You fucking a fat bitch, means you a broke bitch, okay?

Y'all might as well call me Section 8 Housing, all right?

Cause I love a thick bitch.

Where my thick bitch is at?

I can hear your mouth breathing.

Calm down.

I can hear your mouth breathing.

All right.

I like a bitch built like a nose tackle, like a worn sap.

They said, where y'all meet?

I said, in the fucking A-gap, of course.

That's where we met, right?

Once, I met a thick Mexican bitch at a Kinseyetta the other day.

It's a Mexican birthday party, okay?

She was sitting there looking like nacho libre.

I said,

hello, how you doing, darling?

She was breastfeeding a seven-year-old.

Which I thought that was a little old in age to be doing all that, but La Familia, you know, whatever.

But she had that second titty out just blowing around in the breeze.

I said, now who's that for?

I went in there and got me a little suckle.

That shit tasted like horchata.

I love her very much.

My name's Uncle Laser.

Y'all been great.

Wow, uncle laser

showing growth showing improvements a grower

a grower a grower he just keeps growing while still being five feet one inch okay dude

grew up by a power plant i'm built like a clydesdale

something like that Something like that.

I loved it, man.

Pure momentum through the whole set.

Where are my thick ladies at a lot of them in the back.

There was a lot of them back there.

A lot of noise in the darkness.

A lot of ladies like, please, not near the front, not near the front.

You could tell the back went wild for the thick ladies.

How's it going, Uncle Lazer?

Going good.

She brought Phoenix up here and said that I had sex with her.

Yeah, I was fucking.

She claims to be with an oil man.

I was in the back going, no, bitch, no.

You know, not in front of them.

Yep.

But listen, you get them bottom and bottom

bottomless mimosas at the bottomless mimosas at the fucking drag brunch, and you get them boys dressed up like girls up there dancing lady gagos.

I was born this way, and I'm like, were you really?

You know, and I'm just like, what's happening?

Laser.

Oh, my goodness.

Pure momentum right now.

This could be his greatest performance yet, everybody.

I could tell.

I've seen him i've seen him have moments like this before this is we are going to relapse tonight laser 101 i've seen it before all it takes is a few minutes on this show for him to lose control of his entire life

I am not kidding, by the way.

It's funny because it's true, and he knows it.

This is one of those moments where right now he's just thinking about pure cocaine.

With that being said, if anybody's got a grandma, so you have to show in the bathroom.

Wow, look at that.

Have you guys seen laser before?

I haven't.

This guy's fun.

I mean, I've seen your eclipse and stuff.

You're fucking awesome, dude.

True doesn't like him.

That's crazy.

I mean, a fucking powerhouse.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I'm just, I'm actually gay.

Amazing.

Amazing.

I did, I just want to say one thing.

Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Oh.

No, duh-uh.

Fuck you.

Uh-uh.

Went down there for a ski trip, had $1,500 worth of Uncle Laser merch, and them fucking homeless fucking tore the camper off the back of my trucks to hold my goddamn merch.

Wait, wait, there's a bunch of homeless people wearing Uncle Laser merch right now.

Can we get some fucking fans in Santa Fe, New Mexico to go around to the alleyways and take some pictures for us, please?

I need this so badly.

Please tag

Uncle Laser and Kill Tony show and Red Band.

Please.

It's a serious matter.

Can we please get it returned?

Red Band is already looking at the satellite cameras in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

We're trying to zoom in.

We could not be more excited.

I don't know if these homeless people know that they can afford Uncle Laser merch.

It's very available.

The prices are ridiculously low.

I woke up the next morning.

I'm like, I'm finding this shit because they stole my snowboarding gear and shit, too.

I went down there to an encampment, and Polly Scho was down there teaching them magic tricks.

I'm sure he, I'm pretty sure he's building a fucking army.

We need to watch out for him, you know.

But

hey, it's fucking, I hate them fucking homeless.

I wish we could hunt them like deer.

I mean, it's a tag system, it's ethical.

You get two homeless and one bicyclist each year.

I mean, I don't even run red lights.

I just throw fucking batteries at them.

I fucking hate them.

I love it.

What kind of batteries?

Triple-A?

D-batteries.

Thank you.

Wow.

Wow.

The heavy batteries.

Actually, nine volts.

Fuck them.

We'll hit them.

Heavy duty.

Yeah.

Heavy duty.

I love it, laser.

And

what's your love life like right now?

What's going on?

I got a woman down from Buffalo.

We just got one of those stripper dogs.

Is it a buffalo?

Is that what you said?

You're a little French bulldog.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, the woman I'm dating?

Yeah, she's a doctor.

She's a doctor.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

What a dumbass.

Because I'm not a doctor, you know.

Wow.

I'm just guessing she's a proctologist.

What's that?

Specializes in assholes.

She's got a lot of work on her hands.

Yeah, no, we're hanging out.

I thought I had cancer the other day.

Colon cancer.

It runs in my family, but

my shits kept coming out like crooked, right?

And they have like a little groove in them.

And I was like, like

when you go to McDonald's, you get like the McFlurry and they they do the, like, and it makes that little spin motion.

They're coming out like that.

And I was like, it turned.

I'm finally, I've been doing the coffee etimas.

Okay.

And one of them coffee beans got lodged in that motherfucker.

It wouldn't break loose.

Wow.

Absolutely.

That's how I'm dating a doctor.

That's why.

So, you know.

Incredible.

Incredible.

And she's a doctor.

She lives here now?

She's a physical orthopedic.

She's got a medical degree.

I don't quite know what she does.

I love it.

Seems like you're a very good listener back at home.

All right, Laser.

I mean, unbelievable set.

You have this,

you've taken this pro wrestling energy, throwback, and you've only been doing it how long?

January was three years full-time.

Three-year veteran of the game.

Uncle Laser.

Thank you, guys.

Learn to love love it.

He is coming to your town.

People of New Mexico, go to Santa Fe, take pictures.

Anyone who gets me pictures of homeless people wearing Uncle Laser merch gets a, I don't know what, something.

Something.

We'll figure it out.

He's fantastic.

Just know you'll bring me great joy.

Okay.

We having fun out there, huh?

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

It is Colin Sledge.

Colin Sledge, everyone.

Here we go.

Thank you.

So I used to work at the mall at Express.

One time,

these two ladies went in the same fitting room.

And when that happens, apparently you're supposed to say, I'm sorry, they only allow one person at a time in the fitting rooms.

But what I said was, oh yeah.

In my head, it was really quiet, you know, but they said I shouted it.

I always say the wrong thing, you know.

Like, I was hooking up with this girl, and she was like, you know, talk 30 to me.

And I was like,

what do you want me to say?

I'll just say whatever you want.

I'm just telling me what to say.

And she was like, just make me feel like a slut.

I was like, you're such a slut, you're having sex with me.

And at the end,

she was like, did you even come?

I was like, fisted you?

No, so why are you talking shit?

Fuck yeah.

Colin Sledge.

I love it.

You're your own thing.

You got your own voice.

You're own in who you are.

Fucking amazing.

How long you been doing stand-up?

We'll call it three years.

Amazing.

Where at?

Houston, always Houston.

Okay, you still live in Houston?

Yeah, I live in Houston.

Amazing.

Is that where you were born and raised?

Yes, born and raised.

I love it.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a piano teacher.

Amazing.

I love it.

It makes perfect fucking sense.

You have your own rhythm.

You do look like you play the organ at a haunted house.

This all makes perfect sense.

I love it.

Guys, Colin, Sludge, can you believe what you're seeing?

Fucking killed.

That That was fantastic, man.

Congratulations.

Killed it.

Thank you.

He is a creepy motherfucker, but he's funny.

Fucking killed me.

I feel like birds go quiet when you walk into the park.

I mean, man.

My friends say I have a resting serial killer face.

Yes.

They're imaginary.

Okay.

My friends in my head say.

Wow, Colin, you are your own thing.

Dude, the way he looks at you like a bird, it's crazy.

His head turns fully around.

Where's the camera?

Where's my camera at?

Straight out there.

There's one over there.

What the fuck?

They're everywhere.

It's wild that there's not a red light on that one in the back.

Is there one back there?

What do you cover up the red light?

That's weird.

Okay.

All right.

So, Colin, what does a guy like you, scary as fuck?

What does a guy like you do for fun when you want to let loose a little bit?

What part of the woman's body do you like to eat first?

Strike me as a shoulder blade man.

Which question should I answer?

Stick with mine.

Stick with mine.

Okay.

What cemetery do you live in?

What do you like to do for fun?

What would surprise us about you?

What would surprise you about me?

I quit comedy for eight years and I just sort of got back six months ago.

Unbelievable.

What made you quit eight years ago?

I just wanted to do something with my life.

What did you end up doing with your life?

Not very much.

That's why I came back.

Wow.

Look at you.

Unbelievable.

So what else?

Tell me more about you.

When you want to let your hair down and not be so creepy,

what do you do for fun?

I hang out after open nights.

That's a lot.

You hang out with other comedians.

Yeah.

I love it.

And other than that, like other than...

So when they diagnosed me with autism.

God, there it is.

There it is.

You had to get a diagnosis for that?

Yes.

They could have done that over the phone.

He was still in the car.

He pulled in.

They're like, you got it.

You got it.

Keep going.

Yeah.

He pulled in in reverse.

Buddy, we're not even going to charge you to copay.

You got enough fucking problems.

Yeah, they could tell in high school with just the other kids, but I had to pay a lot of money and I didn't get diagnosed until I was like 27 or something.

Wow.

But yeah, they had me go to like an autistic support group, but I was

a bunch of guys staring at the wall.

I was too high-functioning for that.

Okay.

Well, you were?

I was the most charismatic guy there.

Jesus.

Must have been a real who's who.

Yeah.

And

so

I had to find, like, I was too high-functioning for the autistic people and not high-functioning enough for the normal people.

So I started doing open mics.

And those are sort of.

That's perfect yeah bridges the gap

you know amazing thank you amazing Colin good dresser trump trump kid I worked at the mall you did

wow what did you do at the mall I yelled at ladies going and changing rooms oh that's right that's right that was part of my set yeah yeah I remember now I remember now for some reason I pictured you like in the middle like uh with like sunglasses he's got real kiosk vibes yeah

not main store yeah I wasn't much for the customer service aspect.

You don't say.

I like people.

Cleaning.

Cleaning, right?

Yeah, folding shapes.

Ah, yeah.

Folding is good for you.

I don't even think he worked.

He just went to Express and they let him fold the clothes.

Does this fucking guy work here?

I'm busy.

Yeah.

Wow.

How else do you flex your autism?

The piano stuff.

You know, and we've we've never, I don't think we've ever done this before in the history of the show.

But, John, I mean, this is a one in a billion snag right here.

I don't know how fucking

blatantly, he can get out.

He'll get out just fine.

He'll climb somewhere.

Matt will let him out.

Deez,

I mean, John Deez, is it okay if we let this fucking virtuoso step in for a second?

I think he's asleep right now, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, put that mic in the mic stand there, colin and uh myself yes and uh yeah okay wow these is furious this fucking poor sportsmanship over here my god shut the fuck up come on

all right

yeah make sure it's the piano

last thing we need is him fucking freaking out and screaming because it comes out like a violin or something

there he goes Colin looking very uncomfortable as a blind man walks by

okay yeah he's blind Yeah.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we never, ever, ever let anyone touch our amazing band leader, John Dees'

piano.

But I have to know what's going on with the stylings.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the musical debut.

And just let him play.

Let's not back him up.

Let's just let's just feel the flow of the stylings of Colin Sludge, everyone.

Here we go.

Okay, this is the only thing I've memorized.

I mean, you can play anything you want.

This is the only thing I've chucked.

What is this?

Charlie Brown shake.

Can I have a piano?

Yeah, Dees has set John Dees has set you up for failure.

He wants to be the only good piano player.

He's literally one of the most profitable musicians in Austin, but he hasn't.

but

memorized.

Everybody's having a good time.

All right, that's enough, Colin.

You play like one of your students.

I literally play piano better than you.

No, Michael, no.

I need to sustain, okay?

You need to sustain.

There is a pedal down there.

There is?

Yeah, there's multiple pedal.

Well, I'm not doing that again.

You're so funny.

I feel like the interviews with you could go on forever and ever.

Do you feel at home here?

Weirdly, yeah, actually.

Weirdly, yeah.

How much material do you think you have if you had to do a rock-solid great set?

Well, I kept writing for the eight years, so I don't.

You have a lot of material.

I have a lot of material.

Okay.

We're gonna do three things here first of all red band

He lives in Houston.

That is correct.

That's a two and a half hour drive right if you want to do the secret show Thursday there you go

Thank you

very good

And

I want the talent booker here at the comedy mothership to see you.

And the open mic here starts in about 15 20 minutes so if you stick around you're going to get to showcase for the talent booker the very famous adam egot booker of here former booker of the comedy store in los angeles former co-host of the norm mcdonald show

and

i

want you to do a guest spot on my show here at the comedy mothership

Wednesday at 7 it's a sold-out show it's gonna be a lot of fun is that okay do you have enough uh is it driving to I'll make it work you're gonna make it work I think you will that makes sense

but your interviews are so good I think you should really come back here more.

So you know what?

I'm going to give you a golden ticket as well.

There is just

a level of autism.

There's a level of autism missing from this show since Hans Kim is always busy on the road nowadays.

And we need someone like you.

You're going to fit in just fine.

Congratulations.

Here's the big joke book.

Colin Sledge, ladies and gentlemen, has made his Kill Tony debut here.

Colin Sledge.

He's even got a good name.

Dude, look at that.

Look at you.

It's amazing.

Amazing.

That's it.

That guy was fucking great, dude.

This lady's going to suck his cock right now.

Just when you think he's got everything going for him.

Ooh, this guy's got a good name, too.

Anything can happen here.

Make some noise for your next comedian.

It's Gus Horn, everyone.

Gus Horn.

Here we go.

Oh, all right.

hey

good to be here my name is gus horn i'm 32 years old i live in atlanta georgia these days i don't know if you can't tell from my accent but i am fat

i've been trying to work and i've been going to the gym i got a trainer at the gym got so happy losing weight you know the trainer's like gus what are your goals at the gym do you want to bulk or do you want to cut i was like dude Just want to see my dick again, man.

That's...

Without a mirror.

I started losing weight recently, and people ask us.

I want to ask you how much weight do you want to lose?

What's your goal weight?

And I never knew how to answer that because I haven't been small since I was small, so I don't know.

But recently, I figured out my goal weight is: I want to lose enough weight so that I can go skydiving.

I don't know if you guys know there's a weight limit for skydiving, and I am too fat for gravity, apparently.

So

that's my goal.

I want to go skydiving twice.

Actually, anybody can go once.

There's no

requirement if it's a one-time one-time thing, you know.

Thank you.

Gus Horn.

Wow.

Welcome, welcome, Gus.

Thank you.

31?

32.

32.

Yikes.

You look great, buddy.

What have you been doing this whole life that makes you look like a 60-year-old Bosnian

war veteran?

I studied a lot, so that maybe was...

That's not it.

What did you study?

Cookbooks?

That too, yeah.

I was a nuclear engineer.

I used to be.

Wow.

Holy shit.

A little too much time down at the reactor, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this is incredible.

Where were you a nuclear engineer at?

Oh, man, I worked in New Jersey for a while and also in Austria, in Vienna, Austria.

Wow.

Is that where that accent comes from?

No, I'm Brazilian.

Brazilian?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, you look a Brazilian years older than you are.

So stupid.

That was a home run, dude.

That's so stupid.

That was the best joke I've ever done.

That was stupid.

Oh, we got D-Madness back.

There he is.

There he is.

Okay.

So a nuclear engineering, you don't do that anymore, huh?

My last job was about a year and a half ago, and I've been trying to do comedy full-time since then, but I'm running out of money.

Okay.

we'll see.

Wow.

So what do you think's going to happen?

What's happening, Gus?

Tell us about it.

You left a major, serious, safe, secure engineering job in order to chase your dreams of being a stand-up comedian.

Tell us about the process of that.

Well, I started comedy when I was about to finish my master's about eight years ago.

And then I figured if I had spent all that money and time studying, I would do that for a little while while I did comedy.

And then the last job I had, I was able to save a little bit of money.

So I been trying to do it full-time the last year and a half.

And where do you do it at?

How often do you get to perform?

Mostly in Atlanta, pretty much every day.

But I've traveled all over.

I've done it over 20 countries.

You've done stand-up in 20 countries?

You speak different languages?

Portuguese and English, yeah.

But mostly.

Can you do a joke in Portuguese for us?

How long of a joke?

Just 20 seconds.

You can really say anything.

We don't know what it is.

I just want to know what it's like.

Fuck yeah.

He's good.

Little Portuguese from a little pork and cheese.

That's what I call that right there.

My man.

Absolutely adorable.

You guys could be a fucking act together.

A groundbreaking new comedy act.

Stage breaking too.

That's right.

Absolutely.

So Gus Horn.

Unbelievable.

You were born in Brazil?

I was born in Washington, D.C., but my parents moved back when I was a baby, and I lived there until I was 16.

Okay.

Horn, not a Brazilian name, right?

It's one of my last names.

It's like from the German side, but my last name is Pereira.

Okay.

Okay.

Is in Alex Pereira.

Yeah.

Wow.

And is he part of your family?

Unfortunately, no.

It's the most common.

It's one of the most common last names in Brazil.

Yeah, no, I know.

And then there's the horns.

You're a little bit German?

Yeah, I think it's from the German before like the, before what you're thinking of, yeah.

Wait, what did the Germans do?

What did you guys do?

There is a little horn.

There's a horn.

There it is.

Okay, anything ever go wrong when you were nuclear engineering?

You ever have a little fucking little,

what is that,

Chernobyl situation?

I worked in decommissioned power plants, so they were shut off already.

But when I was doing an internship, there was a guy who got caught growing weed inside the power plant.

Whoa.

Oh,

dude.

Oh, fucking, this weed is

the bomb, dude.

This shit is fucking nuclear, dude.

I can't even imagine.

Did you get to try some of this weed?

I didn't know him.

It was just like a rumor in the office, but yeah.

Wow.

I mean, that batch had to be crazy.

That is amazing.

Nobody tried it.

Just a rumor?

Yeah.

You got to love a rumor like that.

I mean,

we love rumors.

So, Gus, what's your love life like?

Oh, man, I became single about 10 days before Valentine's Day of last year.

Aw, okay.

Well, how did that happen?

How did you become single?

We got a puppy together, and then we broke up two weeks later.

Oh my God.

Amazing.

Who brought the puppy home?

Was it your idea?

We got it delivered.

What?

Uber Eat.

Yeah.

You got a puppy delivered?

How did this happen?

I was living in Austria and there was a breeder in Hungary and so they brought it over.

Wow.

And then, yeah, she kept the dog.

What kind of dog?

An Australian shepherd.

Okay.

He's cute.

Yeah, he's nice.

What was his name?

Charlie.

Oh, poor Charlie.

He has an Instagram.

He does.

Do you look at the Instagram?

From time to time.

There's only one picture, I think.

Oh, okay.

And

it's sad for you to see Charlie, isn't it?

I saw him a couple months ago.

I went back to where I used to live, and we met up for a couple of times.

So I saw the dog, yeah.

Oh, nice.

Did you bang her?

That was my next question.

Did you bang her?

Not the dog.

No, no.

Not poor innocent Charlie, but your ex.

no?

No.

Was the puppy kind of like a way to try to save the relationship, you think?

We had a lot of issues before, for sure.

Yes, it was a bad decision, but it seemed good at the time.

Okay.

Have you been with a woman since that woman?

Not seriously, but I mean

one us, yeah.

Okay.

Physically, you have.

Yes, yes.

How about, oh, there's Charlie.

Charlie's...

Charlie's calling into the show right now.

Charlie, we're here with your former owner, Gus Horn.

Charlie,

do you miss Gus at all?

Whoa, Jesus Christ.

Jesus, Charlie, you're out of control.

This fucking dog is wild.

Oh my God.

All right.

All right.

That's enough.

Hang up on Charlie.

Okay.

When you said one-offs, you meant one-night stands, right?

That's what you meant?

Yeah.

Okay.

I've never heard it put like that before.

This is my foreigner.

Where do you find these girls?

Foga de Chow?

Cuss is all you can eat, baby.

He's been sitting on that since the word Brazilian came up, everybody.

You know, red band.

That is

what he thinks Brazil is.

Where do I find them

on dating apps?

You're right.

I know.

Just picturing meat being cut off in front of you.

As a Brazilian, when you were done with the relationship, did you just flip your coin over to let her know that you weren't down for anything?

I put it on RAD.

Yeah.

Yeah, there you go.

All right, back to green, actually.

So these girls, where do you, did I ask you where you find them at, where you meet them at?

What's your name?

Mostly Hinge.

Right.

Okay, so it's apps.

So like the most recent date that you went on, this was in Atlanta?

No, this is in Austria when I was visiting there.

In Austria.

So like, what do you do with a woman in Austria?

What does a guy like Gus Horn do with a woman on a date from a dating app?

Do you just have her come straight to your place?

No, I took him to see my show and then a comedy show.

Yeah.

Smart.

Yeah.

And then what happened?

Then we got drinks and then we went back to the place.

That's right.

You get him laughing.

Yeah.

Get a couple drinks.

What do you like to hear?

And then I apologize.

What was that?

Is that you?

You have Fiona's laugh saved on a keyboard?

Oh my god, that's amazing.

Hold on.

Wait till it gets quiet.

I want to hear it one more time.

Right now,

just hit the button.

That is incredible.

This is amazing.

I've been trying to get Red Band to add new sound effects for 13 years.

Deez is back there just with his own secret collection.

What else do you have back there?

Anything else?

You just saved Fiona's laugh.

I love that.

Hit it.

Hit it one more time.

It's amazing.

Oh, you guys got to do like a remix with that.

You got to put that into a song.

That belongs somewhere.

Could play it at her funeral.

Oh, come on.

Shut up.

Shut up.

She's inevitably going to die.

There you go.

See, she thinks it's funny.

Assholes.

She has an incurable disease.

What?

Am I not supposed to joke about it?

All right.

Gus, you are a very, very funny man.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

How long have you been in Austin, Texas for?

Supposed to leave tomorrow, but I don't have a job so I can change things.

Where are you going to go?

Atlanta?

Yeah.

And what's your setup in Atlanta?

You have an apartment, a house?

Staying with my parents for a little while.

Ooh, staying with the parents.

Oh, damn.

There's a fucking gold-digging bitch.

It's furious in the back.

Here's a big joke book, Gus.

Congratulations.

Very funny.

Very funny.

Gus horn, ladies and gentlemen.

Sign up again sometime, Gus.

I got to tell you, this is an interesting name.

Some more beers.

Oh, it's going down over here.

All right.

This is an interesting name.

Definitely a first-time bucket pull.

Let's see what happens here.

This is the Kill Tony debut, no doubt, of Jasper the Disappointing Mime.

Jasper the Disappointing Mime.

Here he is, everybody.

Hello, I'm sorry.

Were you guys expecting a bonjour?

Well, first of all, that's racist of you.

Just because I'm a mime doesn't mean I'm French, okay?

Don't be a mimophobe.

Wow, the name holds true.

Jasper, the disappointing mime.

At least I don't lie to you guys, alright?

Fuck.

Alright, hold on.

You guys want to see something funny?

Really funny?

I mean, alright, hold on.

I'm not trusted with anything.

Oh.

Okay, let's just do the show how we normally do it.

Sorry.

Your time to do something funny was then.

That was it.

Okay.

Jasper, first of all, let me remind you that white mimes use more white face paint than you've used tonight.

You are blatantly.

This is one of the best ways to not get deported I've ever seen.

It's by being a mime, white face.

Day 58, no one has noticed a thing, honestly.

Okay.

How long have you been doing comedy, Jasper?

Not that long, actually.

That's okay.

A few years, a few years.

A few years.

How long have you been doing the disappointing mime act?

Like, six months.

Six months.

What made you want to switch from being you to a disappointing mime?

I was already disappointing, so I just decided to add something to it.

How'd that get sadder than what just happened?

Who told you you were disappointing before?

My family.

Wow, this is absolutely incredible.

Did they see you perform?

Never, not once.

Okay.

So

what did you do that made them so disappointed in you?

Well my dad's disappointed that I didn't finish mine college and my mom's sad that I didn't follow her

her profession but I don't have a strip of body so I can't do that so.

Hit it.

I got one laugh.

That's good enough for me, guys.

That's it.

Fiona gets the credit for that.

Okay.

Jasper, what do you do for work in real life?

Bartender, because, well, I need a drink otherwise.

You know, being up here, just sad.

This is the happy me, alright?

The other me is sadder.

Is that true?

Are you trying to be funny?

No, that's true, man.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was like 22.

And the only reason that happened is because I got robbed.

Wait, what?

That's a whole nother story.

You don't have time for it.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

We're going to keep it moving along here.

Thank you.

Appreciate that.

There you go.

There you go.

Oh, we don't.

Let's get one more up here.

Why not?

Absolutely.

I like them.

Now that belongs on the Graham Norton show.

You know, sometimes it's like, sometimes you have to ask yourself.

Oh, they're miming.

They're miming music.

Wow.

They're jamming so hard.

D's doing it too.

D gets it.

Somehow D knows what they're doing.

The absolute fucking synergy of this band is incredible to where the blind guy is like.

I do believe that is, as far as I can remember, the first mime that we've ever had on this show.

And definitely the first disappointing mime.

You got to like that he owns it.

I was going to ask him to lose the character and do stand-up as himself.

But it just...

There's just something.

There's a line you walk on this show.

You know, there's a reason why other podcasts don't just pull names out of a bucket.

There really is.

There's a real fucking reason why that no one, no matter how funny or whatever they may be, has the courage to be like, you know what, I'm gonna do

I'm gonna let anyone sign up.

And a big part of the reason why is because every once in a while you get a Jasper the disappointing mind.

Someone in which you're like, wow, is this one day going to be used as evidence in a federal court?

We've only had one bucket pull ever end up being a murder.

And, you know, it's true.

It's true.

There's date lines and everything about it.

Gareth Purse House.

Gareth Pursehouse.

And

yeah.

He made a movie about it.

Yeah, there's a lot going on.

They've only just begun uncovering the great mystery of Gareth Pearshouse, who murdered Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend while...

Yeah, he got pulled out of the bucket while Drew Carey, in an unbelievable turn of coincidences, was performing upstairs at the comedy store that night.

Gareth Pershouse got pulled out of the bucket in the main room.

And then only, I think, a few weeks or a couple months later, after a terrible performance on the show,

murdered his ex-girlfriend, who was also Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend.

God damn.

Yeah, Boo is right.

Murders are bad, lady.

There's a lot of...

Oh, yes, Boo the murderer.

brilliant stuff happening here i love the heckling from the crowd during a mimes performance by the way i gotta give you guys some guy who's ready to kill himself yeah

yeah

yeah if anybody sees a little french beret with uh brains next to it on the sidewalk later we're gonna know what happened

we are waiting for your final bucket pull of the night

any second now

young colt will be walking through that door.

What's the point of having headsets for the producers if he still has to run across the street?

I mean, you could just text somebody, right?

Yeah, isn't there a better system for this?

Is there anything?

They're just smiling at us.

Yeah, that's great.

I love it.

It just keeps.

We've had a way better week than last week.

It is unbelievable.

We are indeed coming off of the episode in which

we all lost count.

There was an absolute record-setting amount of bucket pulls.

We got rid of every little joke book and uh

I mean like it would be faster if I got up and walked over and got the person and walked them back.

Like there's headsets, there's walkie-talkies, it's like a high-level show.

We got a fancy table now and somehow it takes seven minutes for a

yeah,

here we go.

Here it comes any fucking second now.

There he is.

We need a better system for this.

You guys ready for your final bucket pull of the night?

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, here it is.

Make some noise for Seth Tilly.

Seth Tilly.

Good morning.

I tried to get a job at Goodwill.

They turned me down.

I couldn't pass the background check.

So now I work for the airlines.

All kinds of shit goes on there.

I walked into the back room.

I have a bad filter on my mouth.

I walked into the back room and it smells like pot and pussy in the back room.

It was 10 bags that needed to be, you know, just rerouted to Atlanta, Georgia, whatever.

And

smelled like pot pussy.

And I want to be a respectful man.

I went for another P-word.

I said, I walk in.

I said, it smells like pot and piss.

Well, my supervisor looks at me, female.

She looks at me and says,

It's your upper lip.

I look back at her.

I told her, it's your lower cunt.

Who remembers the movie Deliverance?

They're making a sequel.

It's called Deliverance.

Okay.

All right.

I can't believe we waited for that.

That was a long wait for.

Hi, Seth.

Welcome.

How are you?

Step up to that mic.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

April 1st, make a year.

April 1st will make a year.

Okay.

Speaks in those southern riddles.

Yeah.

Where are you from?

Lake Charles, Louisiana.

Lake Charles, Louisiana.

Absolutely.

You like crawfish?

Oh, I ate the motherfuckers up, man.

You're goddamn right.

Hell yeah, you do.

Tis the season.

Tis the season around here.

It's crawfish season.

You sucking heads.

I don't suck the heads.

It's too metallic.

Too much what?

Too metallic.

It has a metallic taste.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

God damn, I didn't realize Lake Charles was the fucking pussy farm over there.

Hey, but I'm open to a pussy contest in Lake Charles.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

You have some real swagger to you.

What do you do for it?

Looks like he just came out of a coma.

Yeah.

He does.

He has the swagger of a snowman that just turned into a real human.

What do you do for work?

I literally work for the airlines or for for the United Airlines.

Really do?

Yes, sir.

Holy shit.

That's why they're dropping out of the eye.

Are you a pilot?

Oh, no.

They're not that dumb.

What do you do for the airlines?

Baggage.

Baggage, yes.

Yep.

Absolutely.

Working on the old supply line.

I love it.

Absolutely.

And what do you do for fun?

You seem like a guy that has a lot of pastimes, a lot of hobbies.

So I had an old Xanax addiction.

Okay.

How does that start?

How does a Xanax addiction start?

Well, I can tell you how it stops at the airport.

How does it stop?

You can't trust a pill

that you take

and you can spell it backwards and it still spells the same name.

I saw once.

I was on two milligrams and Tony.

And

I don't know how much that is.

That's a Xanax bore

and you could break them into four quarters.

I call that user-friendly.

Okay, I'm sure there's some people half asleep cracking up out there on Xanax.

People waiting.

Like,

I've been waiting for a Xanax comedian.

So how does it start?

My question, my much more interesting question was, how does someone start?

I'm always so intrigued intrigued to know how these things happen.

I steer clear of all drugs except for alcohol, marijuana, and mushrooms a few times a year

in order to

not get addicted to anything.

So how does a Xanax addiction start?

I've never even, I took melatonin.

Like I like, I've done that like once.

And it was, it's crazy.

I sweat, I have crazy dreams.

I sleep, slept, walked.

I took a half of one the next time.

Same exact shit.

I can't do anything.

Tell me how a Xanax addiction starts.

So you take the pill.

You get some fucking water.

I think he might.

You put it in your mouth.

Tony, what are you getting?

Yeah.

Let's get some Xani bars and figure this out.

Y'all want to know?

So you take it, and

a lot of people it knocks out.

Right.

Not me.

It just puts my ass into a

almost sexual feeling

wait you know you know when you used to relieve

that like that life of did you say a homosexual feeling he said almost sexual almost sexual almost sexual I was gonna say let's get some zanny bars yeah

but what made you take that was there was there a lady that's like you should try one of these something like that that first pill where do you get it how do you find it how do you know you even like it how do you want it i caught it uh i actually the first caught it

you caught it like it's a fish no more like a catcher's mitt

how long have you been off xana

three hours yeah year and a half year and a half y'all yeah yeah like like it's a fight it's a bad fight y'all the alcohol and xanax a beer with it it's like oh it's like uh there's a tingling the feelings i'm not like i'm being like real like yeah no i get it again that's why i don't try these things because I'm afraid I'll like them.

Seems enjoyable.

Yeah, you're a smart man.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

Okay.

So, what else, Seth?

What else have you been doing your whole life?

How old are you?

I am 38.

Jesus Christ, what is going on tonight?

There are a lot of extremely.

I'm 17, Tony.

Like, what is going on in here?

Crawl dads and Xannies.

It's unbelievable when Red Band looks looks younger than all the bucket bulls.

Hey, what would you do for a Xanax, boy?

Okay, this guy loves Xanax.

I love it.

Fighting it, don't I?

Right, you're fighting it right now?

Nope.

Okay.

Yeah.

It is incredible.

Hey, that's what she said, bro.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, with the rest of your life, Seth, what else have you done?

You've lived a full life other than Xanax.

What have you done?

Yeah, I have a master's degree in criminal justice

yep okay yep I have a hands-on experience not from the good side

I so uh I do computer uh

do computer work and uh

actually uh gave Ramban uh

Ray-Ban oops

oops right I uh

gave him a firmware update earlier, but he's gonna deny it.

But uh, to his phone.

Yeah.

Wow.

This is absolutely incredible what's happening here.

It was on Wi-Fi for

he wasn't on 2.6.

He knows what I'm talking about.

I feel like I'm on Xanax.

What the fuck is he talking about?

Ram Bam.

Do you know what he's talking about?

Do you know what he's saying?

Shit, I don't know what he's talking about.

Shit.

You gave me a firmware update, and I'm on.

Yeah, look at it.

It's not going to show you.

It's not going to tell you that I gave you that update.

Come on now.

what does that mean can you explain to uh us normal people what a firmware update from you would

yes he would he was not on 802.11.ax

and uh he knows exactly what i'm talking about oh yeah

look i'm denying it oh yeah look at he's checking it

i'm on a vp I'm just a computer nerd.

I'll fuck with you, Red Bear.

I'll fuck with you, man.

Here's a little joke book, my friend.

You're going to.

There you go.

Caught that.

Two disappointing mimes in a row, everybody.

Alright, now, you know, this episode had a lot of momentum early on, and slowly, right towards the end, got very sad.

And I think there's only one way to end an episode like this.

Jolt us alive one last time

with the stylings of the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever on the show.

The most interviews.

He's back.

And he's redder than ever.

This is the Memphis Strangler.

The Sioux Falls Folly.

The Zanak Zanzibar himself.

The Knickerbocker of New York.

The Big Red Machine.

This is William Montgomery.

I feel like we should ramp up President's Day just a notch.

Like we should all be forced to kneel on rugs that face the Washington Monument and pray to the gods that we elected.

So the buzz in Hollywood is they're making a prequel to Cliffhanger and Astarza volcano

because volcanoes make mountains at Cliff.

Okay, let's keep moving.

Fuck

Elon Musk says that millions of people receiving Social Security payments are between 150 and 200 years old, with one person being 360 years old.

Red Band, I knew your mom was old as shit, but damn!

Fuck!

Germany is cracking down on hate speech.

Seems a little ironic.

Okay, this is my time, Tony.

Very cool.

59.99 seconds.

Like the man who's done it more.

Fuck!

I was so close

to a minute ever.

You nailed it, my friend.

I was so close to a minute, Tony.

You are the absolute best, William.

One of the most loved human beings in all of the art form.

An international superstar, unlike anything we've ever seen or fathomed before.

Tony, I felt so bad for the mime guy.

He seemed genuinely not to

talk about other stuff, but that seems sad.

Tell me about it.

That seems sad about it.

Tell me about it.

I don't know.

It just seemed like he was really feeling bad.

It seemed like he was really depressed.

And I want to say, thank God I'm still back off of the Call of Duty camo grind.

And Tony, I've literally, I've been doing the row machine.

Guess how many miles?

They do row machines in meters, but guess how many miles I've done since the beginning of February on the row machine?

How many?

61.

Whoa.

I am doing a shit ton.

It's wonderful.

I'm listening to Blues Traveler exclusively.

It's been a very therapeutic thing for me, Tony.

Have you thought about, because we have a very, very beautiful, very famous river here.

Have you thought about rowing in real life?

I don't know.

Well, I've looked up clubs.

They have clubs here in town.

So maybe one of them.

You don't even need a club.

You could just have your thing.

You could just have your thing and go out there.

Your canoe.

I need to figure it out.

I need to figure out the logistics.

You could have your own kayak.

You could have a kayak.

Yeah.

And row.

Maybe I'll start doing that.

We'll see.

I don't know, Tony.

I'm figuring it out.

Is there something about where is the rower in your house exactly?

What part of the

it's not in my house.

It's at a gym.

It's at a gym.

It's not at my house.

Maybe if I can get out of the one-bedroom apartment, I'll maybe at some point, it's a dream to get a rowing machine.

I get in my car today, Tony, and the fucking volume doesn't work.

I'm trying to listen to some blues traveler.

I was going to listen to Hook on the way over here, and the fucking volume's busted on the fucking Volvo.

Why?

How could that possibly be?

How could the volume be busted?

I don't know.

I was trying.

Wow.

Now, when you say the volume's busted, does that mean you can hear it a little bit?

No, not at all.

It wasn't even working at all.

Wow.

My goodness.

So,

but when you get to the gym, you put in headphones?

Correct.

Yeah.

I got the kind that you just put inside of your

ear.

Ear.

Yeah, that would be...

That would be...

Headphones.

It's a good kind of do.

It's a good kind to do.

Tony, I swear I don't think I've eaten enough food.

I've been burning all these calories.

I feel insane.

I feel crazy, kind of.

I had a cliff bar on the way over here, but I don't think I've eaten enough.

It's not good right now.

I feel like I'm sweating.

I feel...

You do oh, you are.

There is a little bit of perspiration happening.

There's a lot of food up in the green room.

You didn't want to partake in any of that?

No, not ever since it got me sick.

I cannot believe y'all still have that fucking food up there.

What do you mean it got you?

I cannot believe y'all still have him make bringing the fucking food up there.

What do you mean it got you sick?

Like a year ago got me sick as shit.

I ate one of the fucking cheese breaks.

Don't you kind of always get sick from things?

I just hate seven tacos up there.

Yeah.

No, I'm kidding.

It's pretty good food.

It's good.

I don't know.

I just didn't eat it.

Didn't want any of it today.

Didn't want any of it.

You'd rather be hungry.

Yeah.

I'd rather be starving.

What kind of car do you drive, William?

Volvo.

Okay.

That's it.

I was just curious.

Safe cars.

It's a safe kind of car.

Is it newer or an older model?

Maybe 2012.

Okay.

Volume don't work?

Volume does not work.

Today's the first day that happened.

How far is the gym.

I feel like now he suspects Foley broke the knob on the volume.

How far is your gym?

How long is your drive in your car?

10 minutes.

Do you drive over the river to go row in a gym?

No.

You don't?

No.

Your gym's on that side of the river?

It's over by Inotech.

I watched

fucking

the office space last night.

Yeah, it's right by Inotech.

It's very close to Innotech.

I took a picture outside of the building today.

I did put the timer on my phone, but I'm standing standing right before the entrance of Innotech.

It looks almost the same, too, right?

I know.

It's so exciting.

Have you ever thought about perhaps inviting Redband with you?

You guys could row together.

Can you swim?

Yeah.

Yeah, William, a fun fact, he's a superior athlete, a former cycling champion.

Motherfucking state champion of Tennessee.

I will be honest, there weren't a lot of people in the race, but

the state champion of Tennessee.

He's very close with Austin's own Lance Armstrong.

Yeah, it was wonderful.

My mother and I, I don't think I've said this on here, but my mom and I met him when my mom was helping my brother move to town.

And we meet Lance Armstrong up there.

And my mom's talking to him.

She's like, yeah, William's dad rides a lot.

Not as good as you, obviously.

And he looks at her and he's like, yeah, no shit.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

It was kind of insane.

I love the guy.

I still love the guy, but it was insane.

Nobody was insinuating my sweet father was fucking faster than Lance Armstrong.

It was insane.

I don't normally talk about my personal life on the show very much, but

I golf with Lance Armstrong.

That's one of my golf buddies.

And he is ridiculously competitive.

Even though he's great at everything, he's still very competitive.

So to hear that, to hear that your mom...

The sweet southern little tiny sweet lady, so sweet she's been on this show.

One of the great guests are the Montgomerys.

The only duo of parents to ever sit on the panel of the show.

To hear that she said, Well, not as good as you, obviously, is just, I can't even imagine what he must have thought.

Just what a

stupid piece of shit she is.

In that moment, in that moment, even though I don't think that, I know that he thought that.

There's no doubt about it.

For sure.

Just what a dumb piece of white trash this lady.

Stupid woman.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Crazy.

Crazy thing.

She's real racist, too.

was saying, yeah.

Stupid white woman.

He was calling her that.

Yeah.

That's fun.

William, what else is going on before we get out of here?

Well, I'm getting, nobody wants to hear this, but I'm getting back on the Albrium buds because, Tony, I've been drinking protein shakes after I work out, and I've been going two and three days without shitting.

So I've got to get back.

But it's so weird, Tony.

Everybody, again, be careful.

This is really a warning.

I used to love the Albrian buds.

I was eating them every day for probably a year, and then I had to stop.

I overdid it.

So now I'm looking at it every single morning and I can't bring myself to open up the box.

But I'm going to have to because I'm now at day two of not shitting.

And I ate a bunch of food last night.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

This is

very, very,

very in-depth.

Inner beauty.

We should have done her laugh.

That was so funny, the laugh you have.

Yeah, we could do it right now.

Hit it.

You haven't shit in like two days.

A one, two, three, four

that is an amazing sound effect brought to you by talk space and shopify

william you are the absolute best you are a legend

we love you we did it again

these are the are you garbage boys

Thank you, guys.

Root66 out now on their YouTube.

Go to YouTube, type in RU Garbage.

Truly one of the funniest podcasts.

Two of the funniest human beings.

Are you garbage?

Are you

R-O-U-T-E66?

There it is.

Turn that shit up.

Thank you so much, everybody.

Red Band, you want to say anything?

Check out the secret show at theSunsetStripATX.com.

Love you guys.

Big,

big announcement coming.

Stay tuned for those of you that live around the world.

Chris Rogers, what do you got tonight?

What do we got over there?

Oh,

Matt Muelling.

Look at that.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Incredible.

All right.

Audience, we love you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you so much.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for

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