#707 - JAMES MCCANN

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Hey, this is Redmit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony.

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You guys ready to start tonight's show?

All right.

Sometimes there's three, sometimes there's two.

A night like this, it's a one-guest show.

And the reason why is because this guy is truly one of the frontrunners already for 2025 guest of the year he is one of the funniest human beings on planet earth his brand new debut one hour special is out right now it's called hey america and you can find it on matt and shane's secret podcast youtube ladies and gentlemen make some noise for one of the funniest human beings in the world james mccann everyone

here he is

James.

Right here.

James McCann, everybody.

Fresh up of being the guest in an arena on New Year's Eve here at the HEB Center.

Are we going to address that during the commercial break?

That was the most insane and rowdy back and forward.

Why would we address that?

Because it was during a commercial break, James.

You could have said anything just now, and it would have been better than coming.

It's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because that was a full

weird situation in the commercial break.

It's a sold-out show every week, but yes, that's a good lesson.

Found out you loved antiquing.

Wow, that's true.

You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all going to want to talk about it?

We all love antiquing.

When you're a millionaire, you're going to be into antiquing too, James.

It's fun to buy old baller ass shit in the middle of Texas.

Let me tell you.

You wouldn't know yet.

Tiny

gay rumors floating around was quick to Kaibosh.

His love of antiques.

I'm out.

I'm out.

It's no longer a rumor.

I'm out.

He would be such a good antiques roadshow host as well.

It's worth nothing.

Get him out.

Antique roadshow with Tony's.

Antique Roadshow.

That's it.

He owns like eight thrones.

All right, James.

It's three.

It's three thrones.

Hey, America, out now on YouTube.

Yeah.

Comedy special.

Yeah.

So that he can buy a fucking throne.

You futon in a coffee table having son of a bitch.

I think I watch

TV on a fucking MacBook.

We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted.

It's a good

policy.

James is one of the greatest guests in the show's history.

He is present.

He is fucking hilarious.

And

he knows how it works.

200 people, literally, 200 exactly people signed up for tonight's bucket.

There are 200 motherfucking pieces of paper in here.

I'm going to let the shocked Asian girl in the front row pick first.

That one right there.

And I take the piece of paper, I pass it along, and they go and wrangle the person.

Red Band smells the paper because he loves Asian women so much.

He really does.

He already has one, but just like typical stuff, he's hungry for more Asians 20, 30 minutes later.

That's what it's like.

And so, while they wrangle that comedian, just to let you know, they get 60 seconds.

You know, the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up.

Then else they bring out the angry bust Ollie Woodbear.

And then that interrupts them.

I interview them and we talk to them about their life.

What could possibly happen to them?

We are here with one of the greatest guests in the show's history, the great and powerful James McCann, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight.

Can you feel it, ladies and gentlemen?

Good news.

Star power tonight.

Good news is we have a star of the show to start tonight's show and show you motherfuckers how it's done.

Truly, undeniably, a lot of people say, including myself, that this is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show.

An almost 100%, 1000% kill ratio.

Here to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

What's going on?

I have

big hands.

People say there are piano hands, but I don't know how to play the piano, but

my

hand jobs are ridiculous.

I only play it for a day, you know.

You should see the double crescendo, you know.

Okay.

I had a card

and at the card store it was in the sympathy section right next to that.

Well it said

sympathy dash Jewish.

I was like, oh, that's me.

So that in a special way, you can tell your friends, I'm sorry, you're Jewish.

It's a lot, you know?

So

I grew up with cats and I...

I like that cats use the litter box.

It's cool.

It's like, hey, not only do you have to clean up my shit, but you got to find it first.

So go to the castle.

Exactly one minute, like the pro that he is.

This is Martin Phillips.

How's it going, Martin?

It's good.

Fuck you.

It's good.

You did it again.

Thanks.

Do you have cats?

No, I do not have stray cats hang out on my patio,

but I do not own them.

They hang out there.

Why do you think the stray cats like your patio so?

I don't know.

In order that they can't take it out there, I bought them a bed.

So now they got the cool.

They got a hookup.

I'm the I'm the plug for the cat.

I leave out water and I leave out dirty to get out of talking to them.

But that's not them hanging out there.

You're luring these cats.

I know.

Oh, dude.

It's actually

they hang out there.

They never I never see them.

They run away.

It's like I actually own a cat in a way.

You got a special cage for them just in case they want to relax.

Yeah, you put a bed out there.

What else have you done?

You put a little fucking, you put a little can of tuna out there?

No,

I don't want them to come dependent on me, so I just think water.

You know, cats eat people after they die.

You think that they see you walking in and sense a meal coming soon?

They gotta find a way in the fucking apartment.

So

good luck, Mr.

Cat,

getting inside.

Now, your opening joke was about your strength.

Is that correct?

The strength of your hand?

It's how big my hand is.

Oh.

What do you think?

I can grip.

Well, the crazy thing is, is that

in the green room of the mothership for the past couple weeks, we don't know exactly how it got there, but there is a brand new grip strength.

You would think it was Joe, but no, I was there when Joe saw it.

He's like, What the fuck is that?

Oh, shit.

And then, yeah, he did play with it like it was his own toy.

He was very excited, as excited as anyone to ever.

He's like, Yes!

To see a grip strength tester machine.

And

I don't know.

What do you think?

Should we give it a little test?

See what kind of fucking shit.

You can't.

You can't handle this hard.

This hard.

It's going to break the shit.

I love it.

Retard strength on display.

Here, with cerebral palsy, ladies and gentlemen, using his good hands.

This is for science.

Oh, he's squeezing it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that looks...

What does it say?

57.

Whoa, that's actually a lock.

Is it?

Okay.

No, it's not.

I knew the other one, and I did.

Yeah, try the other one.

Give me another drum roll.

Big mic on the drums.

Whoa, whoa.

Here we go.

Let's find out what happens here.

It still says 57.

Oh, crazy.

Oh, no, I don't know.

Here, hit the start button.

Okay, this is retard string.

Hit the start.

Hit the start, but what are you doing?

Calculus over there?

Hit the start button.

These fucking guy's using it like it's a goddamn calculator.

Okay, we can start over.

Okay.

It's like a Jewish guy on tax day over here.

What do we got?

I don't think I...

I don't know what I...

This fucking guy.

Unbelievable.

Okay, wait, I think I got it.

I swear to God.

I swear to God.

Alright, here we go.

It's going, it's going, it's going, and it's going.

Okay.

What do we got, Martin?

You only have to squeeze it once.

It's 50 plus.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Grip strength.

James, you're going to show us what you got over here?

Okay, but what I'm going to say will sound very racist, but it's not.

That was nothing.

That was 96.

The important thing.

No, I saw this.

I saw this.

No, no.

It's

I read this on Twitter.

This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it.

That apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength, and black guys, on average, have very low grip strength.

I read this, and apparently, one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes, it's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose.

But every black guy in the room,

I'm telling you, every black guy in the green room is crushing this.

That's not true at all.

What do you mean you're black, Martin?

I'm just saying, I have to sell their grip to a black person.

And you both do crip walks sometimes.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what is this?

The halftime show?

Look at this fucking guy.

This is crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool, okay.

Martin, how is life been going for you?

What else is going on?

It's going, I've been traveling around a lot and doing shows and whatnot, and

pretty busy.

Always

going somewhere.

Yep.

As you can tell by the sound of his voice, he's also now in charge of the health of the United States of America.

It's working out.

Yeah.

Guys who sound like this are doing well.

That's true.

That is true.

That is the voice of a winner.

Martin, you got tonight's show started.

You are a fucking legend.

Everybody loves you.

He's absolutely killing it.

The one and only Martin Phillips.

And now it begins.

To the bucket we go.

We're going to meet someone all together at once.

And that's the show.

You know, we find we found Martin out of the bucket.

We found William out of the bucket.

Oh my goodness.

It's a lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Unbelievable.

Such beauty that James just missed his mouth with his beer.

That had nothing to do with Heidi.

Yes, it did.

You just poured a beer on your own chest, you champazoid.

Shut up, it didn't happen.

What a pervert you are.

My God.

I treat all women with dignity and respect.

Let's move on, please.

Jesus Christ Almighty, what's name?

With

your

spilling beer because his grip is so weak.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night.

A brand new minute.

We're going to meet them all together.

Make some noise for Kojak Kareems, everybody.

Kojak

Kareems.

Here comes Kojak.

Yeah, go birds.

We got him, baby.

We got him with the tush push.

It's my favorite move.

What's up?

Hey, what's good?

I'm black and I'm gay.

I know what you're thinking, man.

Pick a struggle already, bro.

Black or gay?

Come on, you're hogging up all the oppression for everybody.

But imagine being me, right?

Half the country's racist, half the country's homophobic.

And here I am, right in the middle, taking it from both sides.

And I'm taking it good, too.

I'm like the gezer strip.

My asshole is being bombarded so much, you think it was a hospital.

And all because I like Yemen.

Yemen, Yemen,

Yemen, hey.

You think that was controversial?

My Haitian friend is calling for an all-out geese fire.

Geese fire.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

That's my time.

Wow, Kojak, Kareems, everyone.

Welcome.

Black, gay, and bad at comedy I have down here.

It's incredible.

You got everything against you.

Kojak, you were very excited to promote the birds, the Philadelphia Eagles.

Are you from Philadelphia?

Go Birds.

That's right.

Go Birds, Philly.

Go get we hear you.

Are you from Philadelphia?

I am.

Wow.

So you have a lot in common with

the Celtics.

I thought that was.

Steelers Nation, baby.

There are no gay people in Pittsburgh.

Or black people, actually.

Come to think of it.

It's not a big.

But that was big for you, the Super Bowl?

Oh, yeah.

Great.

Okay.

All right.

Finally, do the questions.

All right, there you go.

Yeah.

So, what's it like being from Philly and

basically being Meek Mill without the rap skills?

It just means you're black and gay again.

I'm just reminding everybody that you're black and gay.

You brought it up.

Here we go.

Do you get any good antiquing lately?

No, I might fly back to Philly for the parade, though.

You're going to go back for the parade.

Yeah, maybe post up in the Target.

Do you go?

I'd imagine you fly around.

Oh, you go ahead.

Go ahead.

Must have something up your sleeve.

One big punchline coming up.

What is it?

Go ahead.

Do you fly a lot to different parades?

See, it's fun when the comedy stuff.

Anyway, what do you do for work, Kojak?

I'm a waiter.

Oh, yeah.

Where are you waiting at?

A fancy steakhouse here in the city.

Okay, very good.

Absolutely.

How long have you been doing that?

Three years.

Okay.

Must be a big steak.

Tomahawk.

What do you mean?

She's been cooking that steak up for three years.

Must be huge.

What it wasn't worse than geese fire?

It wasn't worse than geese fire.

You are correct.

You are correct.

Kojak, you live here in Austin?

I do.

Right.

And what else are you into, Kojak?

What do you do for fun?

I play Street Fighter VI with my boyfriend all day.

Okay.

Street Fighter.

You have a boyfriend.

Damn right.

Three years.

You know what's interesting?

He's Puerto Rican.

We have a lot of gay guys that get pulled out of this bucket, but very rarely do we have gay guys that are in a relationship.

Most of you guys just stay single and butt-fuck everything that moves.

It's so interesting.

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

Five years.

Five years.

What do you think the secret is to your wild success of having a long-term gay relationship?

We play video games together.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, you guys put the gay in games.

Wow.

So you guys just play video games and fuck.

That's right.

Sounds awesome, actually.

Yeah, it's amazing.

It's amazing.

Red Band is figuring out his new lifestyle.

Get a discount at the steak place also.

I mean, this is the life.

Come check me out.

I'll take care of you.

Hell yeah.

He just, he exclusively eats.

At the restaurant.

At the restaurant.

Come to the restaurant.

I'll take care of you.

Okay.

All right, James.

It's business and and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things.

Goodness me.

You suck one dick on accident and they call you gay.

Tell me about it.

You did seem over-eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work.

Well, it is exciting.

Like I said, there's never a gay relationship.

Lesbians manage to do it every single time.

Exactly, man.

Lesbians are straight into a relationship.

Gay guys, very, very rarely.

Where would you meet them at?

Back home in in Philly.

We're both from Philly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But where in Philly?

Like, what were you guys doing?

Let's see here.

Off a website or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instagram.

You saw me on Instagram and hit me up.

Okay.

And then what happened?

You're like, hey, come to my place.

I said, hey, come on over.

I paid $50 to Uberham.

Wow, you remember that.

You remember that part.

Yeah, I only had $100 to my name.

Wow.

You're willing to spend half of your total

net worth in order to have your

ass filled with a dick.

Correct.

That is just unbelievable.

I got to tell you, as much as we joke about me being gay, I simply cannot relate to that type of mentality.

Half of your entire money.

Just to fucking, it seems painful.

Get the Hallmark channel on the phone because I think that is a love story that they're ready to

immortalize.

Incredible.

Half of your money.

How did he get home?

I spent the other half to get him home.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Five years we've been together.

That's love, baby.

Oh, my God.

That's love.

That's real love.

Okay.

Okay.

And he doesn't drive.

I drive him to work back and forth every day.

Oh, so you're the bottom.

He's younger.

He's Puerto Rican.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Just you made the joke.

He takes out the trash every night.

I bet he does.

Every night.

So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of.

I'm just, if you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you.

What is your ethnicity, Kojak Kareems?

Ancestry says that I am 70% black and 30% Scottish.

Whoa.

Wow.

Look at that.

Those are the numbers.

What do you think?

Our senior Scottish correspondent, James McCann, is here.

No, it's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly.

It just seems like a weird combination to happen through the generation.

Am I wrong?

No.

50-50, you'd go, I understand that.

75-25, even then, it kind of checks out.

70-30 is you got to have, it's got to happen like four times in different ways, back and forward, black and Scottish.

He's mostly black.

He's like Travis Scottish.

All right, well,

Kojak, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

Let's see here.

I got kicked out of Bible college.

Why?

How does that happen every week?

No, I can guess.

I'm guessing.

Yeah, no, we know why you got kicked out of Bible college.

So, how exactly did they catch you?

You drag your teeth?

All right.

There's red band, everybody.

All right, all right, all right.

How did they catch you?

I was the only black kid in all of a nine.

Guilty.

Yeah, yeah.

Unbelievable.

Get him out of here.

There he goes, everybody.

Kojak Karins, everyone.

Yeah, here you go, buddy.

Let's see if you catch like a...

There it is.

He's a black guy.

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All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Jenna Sparrow, everybody, or Jenna Sparrow, perhaps.

Here's Jenna, everyone.

Thanks so much for Jenna, everybody.

Hi, everyone.

Did everyone watch the Super Bowl?

Yeah?

It's like the Christmas of sports, right?

I think it is.

Actually, we don't celebrate football at my house.

Here's a joke that I wrote about my experience dating an NFL player.

How can you tell the difference in between a girl that just fucks an NFL player versus a girl that actually dates an NFL player?

It's where her bruises are located.

Like fun places or like, yeah,

that's how you know he loves you, right?

Every time I hear a guy say that dating is hard, I'm like, trust me, it could be harder.

Try wearing a turtleneck in July.

That's very very difficult.

Okay.

No, I have this thing about me: like, if I love you, I'll put up with anything.

It's called a Nicole Brown Simpson attachment style.

Attachment style.

That's the clinical term, I think.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

Jenna

Sparrow.

Hi, Jenna.

Tony.

How's it going?

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

I'm fantastic.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Hi.

Welcome, welcome, James.

You do an art podcast.

Yeah, I do.

I do an art podcast.

An art history comedy podcast, yeah, called The Bad Art Show.

Yeah.

How do you know that, James?

She said she would have me on, and then she never got in contact ever again.

Whoa!

I'm working on it.

Oh, my goodness.

You're excited to do this.

I think I have interesting things to say about the post-war period.

Yeah, tell us.

What's interesting?

Tell us.

Western civilization falls apart.

Yeah.

Man's inhumanity to man.

No?

Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that.

No, you know what I'm talking about?

You go to a museum, you go to the art museum, and like you walk in and it's all great.

It's all like Greek stuff.

Wow.

Medieval paintings of little naked children.

That's really good.

And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing.

I think we know exactly what topic we're going to cover with you.

Yeah, you like like anything post-war?

I've got a whole plan.

I hate it.

I'm saying it's bad.

No, we're going to have you on to talk about how much.

I cannot wait to listen to this podcast.

I'm going to get one of the deepest sleeps that I've had in such a long time.

I'm so excited to hear you guys talk about art on walls.

Derp!

Did you know that the bean was built in Chicago in 1974?

Derpity Derp.

All right.

If that art is a couch, though, Tony, we'll talk about it.

Yes.

Nothing better than listening to people talk about art

it's a comedy oh okay well it's a shame your set wasn't

if it's as funny as your 60 seconds oh boy rem sleep is amongst us jenna how long you've been doing stand-up uh almost four years almost four years where at la i started in la okay Okay, what do you do for a living?

Art podcast.

Art comedy podcast.

Wow.

That's what I do.

You make a living doing that?

I make decent money doing it.

Yeah.

Wow.

God, that is amazing.

Anybody can do anything nowadays.

It is absolutely incredible.

I love it.

What do you do for fun, Jenna?

Well, I'm sober now, so

not that much.

What did you do?

I come here and put myself in front of you for fun.

What did you do

to where you needed to get sobriety?

How did you know that you had hit bottom?

Ooh, slow burn.

I think being an alcoholic at 15 was probably the first sign.

Holy shit.

How long?

What made you start at 15?

I'm from Florida.

Maybe I should have done that material.

You guys would have connected more with it.

Do you remember what your first drink was?

Ooh.

Mine was a Lynchburg lemonade made by Jack Daniels.

It was pre-bottled alcohol.

And my older brothers let me have one when we were frisbee golfing in Columbus, Ohio.

I think think I was 13 or 14, maybe 12.

And yeah, I liked the way that it made me feel.

Yeah.

We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink.

It was great.

It was a vodka cruiser.

Do you have those here?

No, what is that?

It's like vodka and pink lemonade.

It's a very girly drink.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

Girly drinks are how the party starts.

Red Band, what was yours?

A bowl of mashed potatoes?

Old Milwaukee.

Old Milwaukee.

Wow.

In chili.

Oh, my God.

I think I was vodka with like orange juice chaser, I think, was what it was.

Breakfast to champions.

We'll done on sobriety.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

I would never do it.

Yeah.

But I think it's good.

Yeah.

You know.

How about towards the end?

Do you get into anything crazy?

Do you do drugs or anything?

Oh, yeah.

Well, again, I'm from Florida.

So there's a lot of cocaine in Florida.

Lots of it.

I got a couple of DUIs over the years.

There was some stuff that was not ideal.

He loves it.

D-Madness loves a good DUI.

They pull him over every time he tries to drive.

100%,

you're swerving all over.

Do you have any old photos that you're trying to get taken down from the internet or anything like that?

No, I scrubbed it.

I scrubbed it.

What?

Brian.

Brian, why are you asking that question?

Disgusting.

He was just a bad person.

Jenna, tell us more about your life.

What else would we find interesting about you?

Well, you hate art, so I'm not sure you're going to find anything about that interesting.

Well, okay.

What else other than the art podcast?

What do I do other than the art podcast?

I work out a lot.

I like pit bulls.

I'm an adult person.

Yeah.

What do you like about pit bulls?

They're like a, you know, I like pit bulls because they're like, I like men, just like a violent liability.

Yeah, does that

make sense?

I like a dog that's like dangerous, it's great.

Yeah, well, you picked the right one, James McMahon.

What is the overlap in the fine art world between

that and I think of that as a golden retriever provision?

I think of pit bulls as more of like Cadillacs bouncing up and down.

Yeah,

no, is that not right?

Yeah, sure, but they're a good dog, you know?

No.

No, I think they kill children every year.

Are they legal in Australia?

No, they killed so many children.

I think they're big parts of the world.

You can't get that dog.

But you like that it's dangerous.

You have a weird sex thing for the dog.

No, no, I have a girl.

I have a girl dog, to be clear.

I have a girl dog.

You can meet her.

She's very nice.

It's a pit bull.

Yeah.

Okay.

And can it be around other dogs?

Not really.

No.

Right.

Yeah.

Great.

What a great animal to have.

Something you can take outside and scare everybody to death with.

I do have a cat, and it's very good with the cat, so there's that.

Has your cat been crawling up on Martin Phillips' porch at all?

Do we know about this?

Do you have a tracker on it?

Your cat might be sleeping at a tremendously weak gripped man's porch.

Anyway.

Yeah,

I don't know.

I love it.

Well, Jenna, congratulations.

You made your Kill Tony debut.

I'm going to throw you a little joke book.

Oh,

it was so close.

I don't know where it went.

So close, right in the middle.

I think you were aiming for my tits.

I mean,

I mean, it's a small target, but yes.

There she goes.

Jenna Sparrow, everybody.

Making her Kill Tony debut.

Alright, back to the bucket we go.

You guys having fun out there?

Anything can happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Poe.

Mike Poe.

Here he is, is, Mike Poe, everybody.

Make some noise for Mike, everyone.

So in addition to struggling to be a stand-up comic, I'm also a Hack Party DJ.

But that's a lot easier than doing this because being a DJ, all I'm really concerned about is touching buttons and looking concerned, holding my ear and pointing

somebody.

in the audience you would hope were connecting with you.

That's a lot more difficult to do as a stand-up comic, obviously.

So in addition to being a DJ, I also volunteer for the unsheltered.

And that's where I get most of the funny stories that I talk about, like the guy who stole my entire bag from me, who I had to track down on the street, and explained to me that, unfortunately,

he's on drugs, but Jesus loves him.

But 90% of him is on drugs, and only 10% of him is

actually taken care of of by Jesus.

I really, really thought that I was going to come out here and have a little bit better of a story to tell you about these guys.

Sorry.

I apologize for that.

I

really should have been on point here.

Okay.

Wow.

Holy shit.

Oh my God.

You made Jenna Sparrow look like a fucking Richard Pryor up here.

Good Lord Almighty.

Just talked about nothing, but you looked hip.

You're like an old guy that seems hip.

Thanks, man.

No comedy.

You're basically Mark Maron.

It's incredible.

And

you just kind of dress like you're younger.

You look kind of cool.

And then the words coming out of your mouth are just boring and nothing and complainy.

And I do this, I do this for a hobby.

But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set?

Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive.

I wish, wish brother okay i didn't do anything impressive there was something that happened hey you look after the unhoused which is not a word i would usually use but wait what are you talking about he said he looked after the unhoused uh-huh what do you mean by that he means bums he means street bums where i come from i volunteered to to help the unsheltered where do you come from little rock arkansas little rock arkansas okay and you still live there

Absolutely.

Well, I'm working on moving here part-time.

Why do you want to move here?

Because I'd like to be better at this.

Okay.

We don't know if we can help you.

It's a tough situation.

Not everyone has the open.

We lock the gate sometimes here.

For sure.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

I've done a couple dozen open mics in the past couple of years, and I did a couple dozen about a decade ago.

Wow.

You look like you'd be funny.

You have the glasses.

You have a red beard.

You're like James McCant.

See what I did there?

That was all right.

James McCant.

I believe in you, but step off the look.

Step off the look.

Don't you bite my style, friend?

How old are you?

52.

52.

Wow.

52.

You are a great 52.

Thanks, man.

No, it's not.

I thought you were a great 40.

You're not a great 52.

You're being tricked by a jacket right now, James.

The jacket is throwing you off.

I do love the jacket.

Mike, what do you do for a living?

I'm a DJ, for real.

A real DJ in Little Rock?

An event DJ.

An event DJ in Little Rock.

And you do that for a living?

Yeah, for 14 years now, nothing but.

Wow.

And MC, I think, sponsors more than tell jokes.

I'm just like a host.

Okay.

What types of things are you hosting exactly?

Lots of festivals.

Like in Arkansas, we have like a cornbread festival or you have like a beer.

Can you give us an example of how you would host a cornbread festival?

Like some things that you said.

Look out there and pretend like you're hosting the cornbread festival.

Go right ahead.

Okay.

Hey, everybody.

Y'all, welcome to the 14th annual Cornbread Festival.

I'd like to thank everybody for coming out here tonight.

So there's a lot of people in the crowd I can tell are super excited about cornbread and I'm one of them because I absolutely adore cornbread.

Whether it's with beans or if it's with peas or if it's just by itself, I absolutely adore cornbread.

I do not like corn, however.

I'm not fond of corn whatsoever.

But bread.

Bread's where you got me.

So cornbread is absolutely one of the most phenomenal things that you could be be eating with your mouth right now.

I think we found your calling, Mike.

You are built for cornbread festivals.

Thanks.

They didn't give me the gig this year, though.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

First time in 35 years, somebody didn't honor their confirmation.

You stick with it.

You keep working on that event, hosting, and DJing.

And I believe that one day soon, you could be at a,

you know, second-tier basketball game shooting at a

t-shirt from a cannon.

I believe in you.

Thanks, man.

I would love that.

Not for the comedy, but for the announcements at events.

You smooth?

You could host FM Breakfast Radio.

You did do that?

I did that, yeah.

I'm trying to be uplifting here.

You gotta help me out.

You are, absolutely, dude.

Nothing bothers me more than old people trying to be hip.

You're 52.

What else, like, are you into?

Are you

a vinyl record player, right?

Of course?

Yeah, I've been playing records since 1989.

Yep, exactly.

What else is hip about you?

You have like a fucking unicycle or something like that?

What's your weird form of transportation?

I can tell you have one, like an electric scooter or something?

So I have a news van that I'm selling when I get home because I need to pay for my police van to get repaired.

Pedophile.

Pedophile.

I'm trading a van for a van because I'm another van.

They're catching onto my van.

I figure if I get a police van, no one will know.

wow that is master lever level pedophilia holy shit you called it right I did have a weird vehicle yeah are you in love right now do you have a you in a

relationship or anything no sir you've been single for a while yeah nine years you ever been married no have you what's the longest relationship you've ever been in four years Four years?

Longest ever.

52.

Why do you think that is?

Man, just a lot of curveballs in life.

It happens.

What kind of curveballs?

Can you explain some of the curveballs that you've had in your life?

All right.

Just curious.

You're in the...

I'm a federal witness.

Okay.

What does that mean?

Yeah.

Are you on witness protection?

I'm not protected.

Okay.

At all.

Why are you on protection?

I'm not in hiding either.

I wouldn't tell you my name.

Okay, that's all good.

Can you just tell us the ballpark of what you're a federal witness about?

This seems like a very compelling part of this interview.

And I appreciate your open honesty.

Sure.

People are

listening.

I'm a survivor or a

federal witness to homicide.

My adult adopted autistic brother was murdered a decade ago.

Adult Autistic.

Adult adopted.

Like we adopted him as an adult because he didn't have a family.

Adopted.

And he was on the street.

Adult Autistic.

And he was on the street.

He would he would love this.

He would absolutely love this.

He would love it.

Most of our fan base is adopted

autistic people.

Adopted it.

Wow.

How old was he when you guys adopted him?

So

he was probably

30 years old or so.

30 years old.

And your parents were like, come on in.

Yep.

Well,

my mom and my sisters, yeah, you called them his mom.

his sister.

Where did they find this guy at?

Uh he worked with me at the bar I managed, and uh one night he didn't show up and I found out he was in jail and I bailed him out and found him a place to live and got him on discipline.

What was it in jail for at the time?

Uh he in in Arkansas we don't have any renters' rights.

He was evicted and he he didn't check his mail so he got arrested for being evicted.

Right.

Like forcibly removed.

So then he got murdered?

Yeah, he was murdered in 2014, December 7th, 2014 okay tell us about that what happened there

there was a

the only suspect we'll say is a crack pusher

and this suspect's name is Andre Demetrius Smalley Jr.

you didn't have to you didn't have to say that part

you didn't have to call them out by name what's happening right in these shows you can't buy me

but this killer yeah in my opinion,

he was pushing crack on him at gunpoint, and

he wouldn't stop.

He wouldn't leave him alone, and he just kept breaking in the door, stealing his phone and his keys and extorting us until he finally got a warrant.

He got arrested, and then he bailed out and murdered him, so there would be no case.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

And did he not get in trouble for that?

Well...

Not for a while, but then I became a federal witness after he shot two more people because they wouldn't go to court.

So I called every agency possible and I landed on the ATF and this lady said if I signed an affidavit and I promised to go to court that because I was involved in a previous crime of his in a federal court

I can get some justice by compelling the judge to hear my story about this person before he sentences him.

This is a great anecdote, but you might be on the wrong podcast.

I mean there are

quite a lot of true crime podcasts out there where this would be A plus level.

Oh, this content.

Perfect.

I love it on this podcast.

I don't know how you get a laugh out of the crack pusher who I was just really hoping that the minute that I did before this was better.

It wasn't.

No,

this is amazing.

I had no idea I was getting cold.

The minute

it's okay.

That's what happens.

But this is how it happens.

This is part of the magic of the show is the interview sometimes is better than the minute.

If it was just about people's minutes, then I wouldn't even do this part of the show.

This is the fun part is watching people go through the quick dilemma: Am I going to answer this?

How far am I going to go?

For a second, you're a federal witness.

We don't know anything.

The next, you're going Andre Demetrius Johnson III, located at 452 fucking Jenkins Street.

He really exploded there.

Here he is, and here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

The guy that

this is the man that murdered his brother, everybody.

This is Demetrius Andres

Gallagher III, everybody,

aka D-Madness.

He's out on bail.

There you go.

So this guy's in prison now for life?

No, we just got him nine years for that.

So he was just recently released, and I went to San Francisco, and then I came here.

Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

You're telling, when did he get out of prison?

Last month.

No, December 21st.

Okay.

And this guy knows for a fact that you're the one that put him in prison, right?

Oh, yeah.

He was in shackles with his wrists and ankles screaming my name as the bailiffs pulled him out of the courtroom.

Oh, wow.

My God.

And he just got out in December.

Yeah, absolutely.

Do you know where he is?

Do you know where he resides?

He lived in Little Rock before, right?

His parole probation officer called me and said, I can't really have that information, but I kind of know a little bit.

You might have a little bit of an idea.

And is it around where you kind of live?

I mean,

it's probably better for me to not look for him too much.

Well, I'm not saying you should look for him.

I'm wondering if he's looking for you, yes.

I mean, if I'm being real honest, I think the guy's probably been in prison for nine years.

He's a six-time felon.

He's going to create chaos wherever he goes.

I don't think he's looking for me.

specifically like the streets looking for me.

This is very optimistic.

But you see that I'm not in my city right as well like i don't want to run into him at a kroger or at a stoplight or uh you know uh the n a meeting or where you know wherever you know you go to n a meetings no i was just making some shit up but okay but uh i don't want to run into him anywhere right honestly right you know like that's that's not somebody i want to see so i just decided to move

You decided to move from Little Rock.

Yeah.

Right.

And.

Okay.

Wow.

It's all so interesting.

But you just called him out on a podcast that is aired out everywhere.

You sure did.

I called him out in court, too.

Yeah.

There you go.

Well, we've got to get him on the show for a right of reply.

And here he is.

Mike, here's a little joke, bud.

Just don't tell my mom.

Okay.

She might find out.

It's all good.

You're good.

This is a very popular show.

Do you know this is a very popular show?

There's no way he's watching.

Well, but he might get told.

He might get told.

love that.

You would love that.

Absolutely.

Well, we all have to make our decisions and stand by them.

We do.

And it was a pleasure having met you.

Thanks, man.

There he goes.

Mike Poe, everybody.

On to the next one.

There goes Mike.

It's unbelievable the people's stories that we get out of this show, out of this bucket.

There he goes, everybody.

There he goes.

Anything can happen.

That guy could be right in the alleyway right now.

I mean, geez, Louise.

Mike Poe just got shot, everybody.

He's dead now.

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner on the show.

She's only been on it a couple times here with the brand new minute.

Make some noise for Aya, everybody.

Aya is is here.

My mom's Muslim, but she likes, she still likes to have a good time with me.

So sometimes we'll go out for mock tails and she'll always order for us.

She'll be like, hey, waiter,

two virgin mojitos, please.

And I always have to secretly find him and be like, hey, dude,

leave the cum in my drink.

Please.

Please.

And she hates that.

She thinks I'm a slut.

She thinks I'm a slut because

I don't carry pepper spray.

She thinks I'm making it too easy or something.

But I have a cousin.

She's intersex.

She was born with a penis inside her vagina.

Now that's a fucking slut.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Aya has done it again.

One of the funniest jokes of the night so far.

Making fun of your own dear sister.

No, cousin.

Oh, cousin.

Yeah, but she is like a sister to me, you're right.

There you go.

Or a brother, depending on.

Yeah,

she can do it all.

Yeah.

So that really happened?

Oh, no, I made that up.

Perfect.

Great premise.

I love it.

Yeah, but my cousin, she told me she was born with her vagina, like, locked.

Ah.

So.

Wow.

Are there any safe crackers out there?

So they had to like cut it open and stuff.

Yeah.

And there was a whole vaginal hole on the other end.

Yes.

It was just kind of sealed off.

Yeah, it was sealed like yogurt or something.

That's got to be a.

That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

It is nice.

You're trying to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you.

Yeah, it is nice.

Let your husband open it up for you.

Hell yeah.

It's cute.

Romantic.

Absolutely.

Get the party started.

It was so funny.

I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought about.

Oh, yeah, that's me.

That's actually pretty sad.

That's scary.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Yep.

Yep.

There wasn't a vagina locked up there, and it was a human being.

Yeah, imagine they put him in there.

They put him in her.

No, I'm sorry.

but yeah good to see you yeah absolutely Aya naturally funny ridiculously likable how's life going Aya tell us about it it's good I just had a birthday party this past weekend

it was so lit um

my my mom I was like making pizzas for my family and my mom made okra pizza it was so cute Okra pizza yeah like it wasn't even on the menu yeah um but she just made okra and she was like I want it on my pizza put it on my pizza pizza.

And I put it on her pizza and it was good.

Wow, that is just an absolute Muslim party, if I've ever heard it before.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Okra pizza.

And then how else do how else do you celebrate a birthday?

You got you, Muslims, do you have like instead of candles, do you have like little world trade centers you put on the cake and you light on fire or something like that?

Yeah, no, that's for my second birthday.

Hell yeah.

I'm older now.

I'm not, I'm not even, I don't even think I'm supposed to celebrate birthdays.

My parents are bad.

Like,

they're sneaky.

They let me do a lot of things.

They be like that.

They be like that.

They're cool.

They're chill.

They're not.

They're not at all.

Very, very strict, tough, demanding.

Not like that.

They're just like, they're just foreign.

That's it.

Like,

I don't know.

Like, they just text me spam messages.

It's like, it's, I don't know.

Like, my mom texts me prayers all the time, like, I'm God.

Like,

I don't know what to say to this.

Yeah.

But

it's, I love them, and they love me a lot.

Are they very religious?

Yeah, but they're, but I think it's good for them.

What do you mean by that exactly?

It's like, um,

it's, it gives them peace of mind.

Yeah.

And that's.

Everyone wants that.

And it stops them from doing terrorist attacks or something.

They don't have that urge, surprise.

No.

No, no, no.

I have

like my bloodline.

Yes.

Our blood is really nice and sweet.

Okay.

Other people

come from different bloodlines.

Like who?

We can name a race that comes from a different bloodline.

Okay.

No, no, it's not even a race.

Right.

I think it's just.

They have filthy blood and you have the pure blood of the.

No, I just have sweet blood.

Sweet blood?

Sweet blood.

Like mosquitoes like it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Red Band, you're a vampire.

What do you think about all this?

No, she's saying she has a good family.

Like,

no, she likes to get choked and stuff.

Oh, there you go.

There's some of that.

Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them.

Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?

Um

no, no, no.

I come from like regular people.

Like I'm not like royal or anything.

Are you Persian?

No, no, I'm Moroccan.

I'm African.

Oh.

Well, that's filthy, evil blood.

No, it's not.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just having fun.

I can tell by people's eyes their bloodline.

Like,

like, Tony, you have very blue eyes.

and that's like, that's not royal, that's like peasant.

Yeah, that's peasant eyes, yeah.

And, um,

but I have black eyes, so I don't know, they're kind of

scary.

This is like word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once.

That's

really, what's in my blood?

I don't know, I don't know, I'd have to check it, but look at James's eyes.

Tell him what James's eyes are like regular.

Like, you're just like one of the people.

So, wait, I'm just a fucking peasant over here?

No, just your bloodline, your eyes.

This doesn't make any sense.

This is why nobody likes Muslim people.

That is not true.

Like,

I don't know.

Wait, does Donald Trump like Muslim people?

Of course he does.

Okay.

No, because

Muslim people like Donald Trump.

Yeah.

Because he's like the first president who doesn't have like a dog in the White House.

Yeah.

Muslims don't like dogs in the house.

That's true.

He doesn't play games like that.

Yeah, angels are back in the White House.

That's right.

What do you mean?

What do you mean by angels?

So like if you're like Muslims believe if you have a dog in the house, then the angels get scared and leave.

Wow.

That is unbelievable.

I just learned so much about...

That's crazy.

What a fake religion.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say, angels hate you?

They're just cares.

Catholics would never do that.

We've done other stuff, but we would never make that.

We would never make that particular mistake.

I'm sorry.

We need to go back and take over the Holy Land again.

so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets.

No, we want them on the streets.

They're good on the streets.

Yeah, that's where we want them.

Street dogs.

Street dogs, yeah, like the street hot dogs, but they're alive and they're walking.

Yep.

And not for sale.

That makes sense.

All right, Aya.

An unbelievable new minute.

We fucking loved it.

One of the young rising legends of the show.

And now back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, because because your next bucket pull goes by the name of Gary Gia, everyone.

Or Gary Gia, perhaps.

It's Gary, everyone.

Just found out I've fucking peasantized.

Yeah, so I just moved here from Alaska.

Yeah, what the fuck is right, dude?

I never understood why people would have sex with animals.

And then I moved 99 miles away from the closest hinge profile.

Can't be checking out this salmon, like, oh.

So you're a Pisces, huh?

Wait, you got how many kids?

You got some

kind of smell like my ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, but I love my ex.

I love my ex because we had chemistry, you know, we knew what we liked.

We loved rough sex.

So I agreed when we're in the bedroom that our safe word is the N-word.

No, because I won't even say that shit behind closed doors, man.

You know, like, fucking anything goes, baby.

You know, like, that's a terrible word.

I obviously shouldn't even joke about it.

Every time she said it, I just slapped her again.

Just,

you know, I'm about to be 40, which is cool.

This old lady, she's told me she that I had a very nice skin complexion.

And I was like, you want to know my secret?

Omega threesomes.

Wow.

Holy shit.

We have some real fucking

unbelievable bucket pulls here tonight.

Gary.

How's it going, Gary?

Dude, if I had a tail, it would be wagging.

I am so happy to be here.

You're happy still after that performance?

Oh, god damn it.

Yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up for, Gary?

Well, funny you should ask, Tony.

I started maybe about like seven or eight years ago, and then I bombed really bad.

So I took a break.

So I've been doing it for about two years altogether.

You did it seven or eight years ago and how long did you do it before that big bombing uh about a year about

a year and then you bombed so hard that you took a few years off what happened during that bombing how bad could it have been compared to what the fuck we just saw god damn it that your tail would be wagging about

um no i uh i mean

Like I really picked up some steam.

I was doing very good in stand-up comedy.

And then I was just like at a fucking huge show with a bunch of fucking old people and now i was talking about having sex with like kids and stuff which is still not funny

no it is

it can be it can be funny it can be funny but it wasn't done that well right it's okay gary are you gay no i get that a lot no

yeah yeah fucking a yeah dude like seriously i started working this job and uh yesterday i came in with a girl and like my co-workers were like oh my god i think i thought he was

Yeah, yeah, I can see that.

Fucking no, no, I'm hella straight.

God, am I this fucking gay?

It's the

mandate.

Stay on my side.

I'm straight.

You can like me.

No, D decided long ago.

I saw D.

Yeah, you're not looking at anything right now.

It's okay.

Making fun of a blind man.

Yeah, good God.

Yeah, Gary.

Relax, Gary.

D-Mandis is pissed right now.

He is homophobic as hell.

So, Gary, let's talk about it.

What do you do for a living?

I am a restaurateur, so I work at restaurants, but I do like high-end shit.

I'm not like some fucking selling mozzarella sticks and chicken wings and shit, you know?

Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?

Whoa, whoa, why'd you look over here when you said that shit?

I'm trying to trigger the

all right, Gary.

so you're a restaurateur.

So do you own a restaurant?

No, no, I am a server at a restaurant off of South First called Nomade, which does like Yucatecan-style food.

It is quite fantastic.

Like the video game?

Sorry?

No, what do you say?

Pick them?

So like the Yucatecan Peninsula by like Guatemala, people all my size.

But it's like, yeah, it's a different style of Mexican food.

Okay.

What do you do for fun, Gary?

I'm into like backpacking nature and shit like that.

I like to play high-stakes poker on like LSD, on like very small amounts of fucking hallucinogens, and then play very high-stakes poker.

Did you lose?

Nope.

You're good at it?

Yeah, dude.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I played the World Series of poker on like four hits of acid.

And how did that go for you?

Not good.

Okay, but when you have done good, what's the best you've ever done at poker?

Yeah, so the most i won in like one hand was thirty two thousand dollars what's the most you've lost in one hand sixteen thousand dollars almost about half of that right overall in your texas hold'em or poker playing life how far up or down do you think you are i'm definitely over a hundred k up up yeah absolutely that includes the buy-ins for these tournaments and everything yeah no you sure or are you just tripping on lsd and you think you're doing good no i this is the highest i've ever been but i'm sober but yes, like you can like track your stats online.

You could look my name up online and I have like results like about like a year ago, two years ago, I took first place out of 643 people and I won $30,

no, $28,000.

All right, Gary.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Do you still live in Alaska?

No, I moved here about three months ago.

What made you want to move here?

Pretty much like stand-up this show.

You know what I mean?

Like this is a fucking mecca of comedy.

This is great.

Well, we're fucking up big time.

We are fucking up.

This is not going how I fucking did on my vision board.

This is not great.

Wow.

You know, I thought it was great.

Oh, my God.

Can we spice this up?

Can we spice this up?

My vision board said it's gotta go better.

Jesus Christ, Gary,

you make me look like fucking

someone tough.

somebody real tough and manly

yeah you make me you make me look like Freddie Mercury all right

uh okay Gary tell us something interesting about your life you have your entire life to reference here something that's happened to you something that maybe uh formed or you know like uh tell us how you ended up the way you are yes well I was born this way but I have so many fucking stories right i got stories out the fucking ass like i've seen you bet you have stories up your ass too okay why don't you tell one, Gary, instead of telling us that you have stories?

That's like you telling us that you have jokes.

No jokes, no jokes, all stories.

We know.

So, yeah, let's see.

I saw an alien one time.

All right.

All right.

Right.

We're going to keep it.

So, do you want to hear it or no?

No?

Okay.

How fast can you tell it?

I can tell it.

So I was about 14 years old.

Okay.

I was about 14 years old, and it was about two in the morning, and I was just laying down watching TV.

And all of a sudden, I was paralyzed.

I saw this.

All right, that's it.

There you go.

Gary Gia, everybody.

Gary Gia.

We gotta keep it moving.

Some of these people have fucking nothing to them whatsoever.

You gotta love it.

Gary, sign up again.

Best of luck next time.

Jesus Christ.

An alien story.

Why don't you tell us about a dream you once had?

Boy, you never know what you're gonna get down here.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Matt Revis.

Matt Revis.

Hey, my name's Matt.

You guys ever met a Mexican-Jewish person before?

Yeah, I got a cousin, dude.

He's Mexican and Jewish.

His name's Kiki.

Spell Kike for some people.

I don't know why.

I love Keeks, man.

He's so Mexican.

He works for instruction, but so Jewish, he only accepts payment, like bonds and shit.

He's a genius, man.

He's an entrepreneur.

He did all this while managing a coffee shop called He Bruce.

Bro, he's so Mexican and Jewish, dude.

He built tunnels for both sides.

Imagine a narco with a gold gun and some pigtails.

Jesus Christ.

I love Keeks, man.

Keeks is dope.

Keeks is chill as fuck.

You know, we're older now.

You know, he's an idiot.

I tried to ask him about his whole take on the Israel thing.

You know what he said?

He's like, oh, yo, Israel, y'all in the back right now.

He's going to make a tortillas.

Yeah, man.

You know, man, I'm a simple man, you know.

I'm going to end it there.

I'm done.

Matt Reebus talking about his Mexican Jewish

was a cousin or a friend?

Would you say?

Just a cousin.

Cousin.

Is it real?

Nah, man, just a bit.

Right.

How long have you been on stand-up?

About three years.

Three years.

Where are you from?

Here from Austin.

Born and raised?

Yes, sir.

Wow.

What do you do for a living?

I work at a smoke shop.

Okay.

Yeah, here in town right down the street.

Okay.

How long have you been doing that for?

Actually, I'm about to start tomorrow, man.

You haven't even started yet.

Absolutely incredible.

Did they know that you're going to start working there?

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I talked to them today, smoked a blunt with them.

They're like, you're hired.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, really?

It's like, that's it?

Amazing.

When's the last time you had a job before tomorrow?

Like a.

Like a week, man.

I got fired on my day off like two weeks ago.

You got fired on your day off a couple weeks ago.

What was that job?

I was a servant at this waffle shop.

Okay.

It's not Waffle House, guys.

Right.

No, the Waffle House, you'd be the fucking CEO.

It was just a random Austin waffle shop yeah i don't want to shout them out right you know it's just it's a spot uh it's like a ran by a bunch of mormons they're cool people they're great people fired me though okay what did they say they fired you for uh i didn't show up for work one day okay and then that'll do it you know how it is you know how it is no no i do know how

fired on your

no i've never

i've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time i was at subway i was at McDonald's, I was at some ones you don't have over here.

Like what?

Billy Baxter's Cafe.

It was run by Chinese people and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe.

And there were just like six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me.

They owned it.

They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy who can't be charismatic enough.

Were they?

Who's laughing now, Billy Baxter's Cafe?

No, they went out of business.

And that was in Australia?

Sweet Adelaide, Australia.

I think, I believe in, I think you're a charismatic man, and I think you can do better than a smoke shop.

I think you'll go further than that.

Thank you, man.

I appreciate that.

Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing.

I don't like them.

They're a little unsettling.

They're fucking in vans all over the street, peddling marijuana to young people.

Have you said, I thought it was illegal in Texas, and they're standing on the street trying to get people high.

That's a pusher.

Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother.

I like the set.

I appreciate you, man.

You're welcome.

You were the first actor in a long time that I wasn't worried was going to die soon or was currently tripping.

That was me last time I was up here.

Are you done?

I'll take over.

So you've done it before?

What did we have you do last time you're on the show?

I was actually tripping, man.

I was literally tripping.

Oh, you crazy player.

I know, man.

Hey, you right, you right.

You alright.

Do you have a...

Do you have a girlfriend or anything?

I did.

What happened?

I'm not talented enough.

In the bedroom?

How'd you know?

Come on, now.

Takes one to know one.

No, I'm terrible.

Right there.

I fucking get it, bro.

bro this guy gets it he gets it

was it the billy baxters in arena fair no it closed down it was in adelaide arcade why have they still got one there well you look we happen to read a yelp review from billy baxter's cafe

The food is consistently good.

The breakfasts are terrific, but oh my goodness, the coffee is bad.

Jesus.

Two stars.

It's weak, gray, soapy, and unpalatable.

A double shot results in brown coffee, but bitter to the point of being undrinkable.

Does the machine need a good clean out?

Does the staff need lessons in temperature control?

A weird, chubby, red-headed man in a beard greeted us, which is strange because it seemed to be owned by Asian women who angrily stared at him from the front windows.

Two stars.

After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it.

You stitched me up.

You have to admire how long it takes Red Band to type words properly.

I said, Billy Baxter Cafe Yelp.

I look over.

He goes, there is nothing.

And I look and he typed in Billy Bass.

Literally just B-A-S-S.

So we had a whole thing here.

It's really tough.

And then he spelled Baxter O-R at the end.

There's a lot that goes on.

It is a thankless job hosting this constantly sinking ship.

Oh, it's having great fun.

I know.

The band plays while the ship sinks.

It's the Titanic.

All right, you fucking nerd.

What are you?

You're Mexican, right?

Yeah, yeah.

100%?

I'm 95.

I'm a little Asian.

Okay.

Little Japanese.

Little Japanese.

Look at that.

Barely.

Barely.

You see the eyes.

So you love all kinds of rice.

Is that correct?

Dude, now.

Yeah.

Okay.

What are your parents like?

Like, they're both Mexican like me.

It's just like one dad.

What does your dad do for works?

He works for the city, actually.

What does he do for the city?

He's like an HR representative for the APD and stuff like that.

Oh, wow.

That's incredible.

How about your mom?

What is she?

She works for the state.

Wow, look at your governmented-up family.

I know.

I know.

It's crazy.

Right?

Doing this.

What else do you do for fun, Matt?

Smoke weed.

That seems like a thing.

How old are you?

24.

24?

That makes sense.

About to turn 25 in a few months.

Yep, that's how age works.

I know.

You'll never believe what happens after that.

Another birthday about a year later.

Fuck.

Yep, just a few months.

All right.

Well, nothing else crazy about you, Matt.

I'm getting a feeling that I'm close to finding something out, but I'm not asking.

You ever been arrested?

Me?

No, I haven't.

Me?

You don't get that very often here.

Wait, who?

Me?

Suspicious answer.

Yeah, you're the one being interviewed.

No, no, I would never get arrested.

Why would Matt get arrested?

What?

No, I would never get arrested.

Did you talk about yourself in the third person?

I did.

I did.

That might have been what was missing.

Do you often talk about yourself in the third person?

When I feel uncomfortable, yes.

When he feels uncomfortable.

All right, Matt, there's nothing else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here?

Nothing much, man.

I'm just doing comedy, trying to stick with it, working.

You're not working.

Tomorrow.

Start tomorrow.

Starting tomorrow at a smoke shop.

Yes.

Which is literally fucking nothing.

No, there's some weed and stuff.

It's a nice part.

It's a classy establishment.

It's on Fifth Street, classy, you know.

There are no classy smoke shops.

It's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated and she's going to fall down.

Or it's a woman that looks like James.

That's true.

You go to the east side, these chicks get hairy.

It's what marijuana can do to you.

I want you to turn your life around.

Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down I can't imagine look at me what do you like to do after you get super duper high what are some things that you do big munchie guy big munchies love eating munchies make stupid ass sandwiches like what what's a stupid sandwich I made a

like I like to get spam you know cut some spam up put a sliver a craft single on there

toast some bread wheat bread preferably better for the digestive system you know

not really but go ahead literally not and then I put I like to put some honey mustard, maybe some Dijon mustard on there, you know, maybe a little mayo, just a little.

You said that was a crazy sandwich.

That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described.

Well, we don't eat that on a regular basis here.

You know, Australia.

Where are you from?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I don't know.

A spam sandwich is a delicacy in Australia.

All right, Matt.

Here's a little joke book.

Not a lot of catches tonight.

He did it.

Hi.

Hi and bye.

Matt Reeves.

Alright, it's an interesting.

I've given out no big joke books tonight.

A fun fact.

Zero big joke books.

Only the golden ticket winners have pulled their weight tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull.

It's Shiva Ari.

Shiva Ari.

Howdy.

Little bit about myself.

Watch a lot of porn.

You guys watch porn?

Yes.

Good, good, good.

I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos.

Yeah.

But I'm reading the comments.

That's kind of where I'm at.

You know what?

The one thing I do like about porn, the one thing I do like about porn, nobody, and I mean, nobody is ever like, The book is better.

I do like that about porn.

Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine, right?

Like, that's.

I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, we're not

sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things, right?

Like, if you want to describe millennials, we're kind of like the generation of eating ass

and peanut allergies.

That's

us.

What you got to hope?

Hopefully, those two rows don't cross, right?

it's like tony having to go to the hospital because red band ate a peanut butter sandwich you know

all right i'm gonna stop you right there shiva

shiva welcome uh you've been on this show before uh yeah twice twice okay yes sir absolutely welcome that was something um how long have you been on stand-up uh 10 years coming up right now god almighty this is a wild night tonight yeah uh what do you do for work that pretty much this man yeah you make a living doing this it's not a living but uh how do you survive i'm alive how do you survive

how do you pay your rent how do you get food what is rent

okay yeah so tell us about that i don't really pay rent uh how do you not pay rent Parent house, girlfriends.

You stay at the parents' house still?

No, no, no, no.

I'm here now.

Yeah, I live here.

You are here now.

Yes, sir.

You are here.

Like at the mothership, yes, sir.

How do you not pay rent while being here?

Fuck, you got me.

I do pay rent now.

Okay.

But that just happened like two months.

I just moved here like two months ago.

So, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

So how much are you generating from your stand-up comedy?

How much money do you make in a ballpark a week?

I mean,

probably like five, $600 a month.

How do you do that?

Oh, wait, did you say a month?

Yeah.

Okay.

So hold on.

How much rent are you paying a month for the last two months?

800 a month.

I don't know if anybody's ahead of me on that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, you're nailing it.

Right.

So how do you make money to pay your rent?

I've done enough shows.

I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money.

How much exactly did you save?

How much turning into a financial project?

Holy fuck.

How much did you save exactly?

People are going to find this unbelievably fascinating.

There's a lot of people out there wondering, hey, should I start?

How much should I save?

I live at my parents' house.

What should I do?

Well, I definitely advise not to do stand-up comedy.

Yeah.

Well, I bet you would want nobody else to start stand-up comedy.

Yes.

I bet that would help your market share.

Then I got to pay rent.

Yeah.

Okay.

How much did you save?

Like $2,000.

$2,000.

$2,000.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Yes.

D-Madness cracking up.

D-Madness literally verbally laughing out loud.

The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand-up comedy.

Yes.

100%.

You stated the very obvious there.

How much, how much, wait, no, I'm curious.

How much money do you make doing stand-up comedy, Tony?

Okay.

All right.

Is it $3,000 a month?

Okay.

No?

Okay.

What do you mean?

Yes.

It's only $3,000 a month?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

How much is your rent?

Okay.

Yes, it's...

Somehow it's...

All right.

I don't have rent anymore, Shiva.

I don't have.

Oh, I forgot.

Yeah, you own.

I understand that.

Okay.

But

I do have payments that I have to make.

D-Madness is literally losing his mind.

So.

Actually, you've lost a lot of weight.

Shiva, over here.

Sorry, sorry, sir.

Stick with me.

Sorry.

So,

how do you survive?

Tell the truth.

No, that's honestly it.

What do you eat?

I mooch.

What did you eat today?

I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes, actually.

I just drove from Dallas.

I was doing a show there.

Drove here.

All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes.

Yeah.

That's it.

Are you sure?

I woke up at like 3 p.m.

Why did you wake up at 3?

Because I'm a comic.

That's not, but what do you mean?

Because what did you do last night?

I did a show.

Okay.

I did it.

All right.

Yes.

But then what would happen to where you wouldn't wake up until 3 p.m.

after the show would be the question.

Yes, sir.

Before I asked you what you did last night,

you said you woke up at 3 p.m.

I said, why did you wake up at 3 p.m.?

So what happened last night?

Other than your stand-up set, unless you listened to it afterwards.

This feels like the end of Legally Blonde.

I don't know what happened in Legally Blonde.

I'm sure that's a mailing for something.

Okay, I don't know.

Yes, I'm trying to do an interview.

I'm not good at this.

I'm not doing it.

Where were you last night?

At 2 a.m.

I was at the Capitol, dude.

I fucking...

Yeah, no.

I just drove here.

I got super drunk last night after the show.

Shiva Ari, ladies and gentlemen.

Shiva Ari.

We are in a dry spell right now.

We might have to go fucking turbo mode here.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next minute tonight, remind you, I have the thickest stack of big joke books I think I've had in the mothership era.

Not a single one has been given out.

And I have one little joke book left.

This is unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen.

Which is crazy because last week it was all

Except for the first one all unbelievable four secret show editions last week an all-star lineup the momentum runneth drieth.

Let's see if it starts here with the stylings of Anthony Ruan everybody Anthony Ruan.

Let's see what happens here.

Here's Anthony everyone

I started dating this new girl.

I'll be honest with everyone here.

I really like her.

She's just into things that I I have no experience in, like role play.

She keeps trying to get me to wear these magnums.

I'm a terrible communicator.

I don't know how to let her know.

Like, that's not how that works.

No matter how dark this face paint is.

Chill out.

You guys are going to feel much better when I tell you I ran that joke by that black gentleman right there.

He told me he hated it.

so

i uh it's much better than my last relationship my last girlfriend she broke up with me after we found out the apartment was haunted i'll admit it's scary stuff getting in a huge argument when you know you're too afraid to go sleep on the couch

one time we're in the middle of this big fight i was like you know what the lights started to flicker i was like you're right

That's it.

All right.

Anthony Ruan.

Have you been been on this show before?

I have not.

Okay.

Well, welcome, welcome.

Thank you.

How long have you been on stand-up?

I've been doing stand-up for a year and a half.

Okay, where at?

Phoenix, Arizona.

And that's where you still live?

No, I moved to Austin three weeks ago.

Okay.

And how is that working out for you?

How's Austin treating you?

Not as good as I thought it would be.

Tell us why.

Lots of mics, but no state show time.

I was doing like, I would do, like, shows in Arizona, so I'm just trying to get back in.

Right.

Here you are.

Here I am.

You're on a show right now.

Thank you, guys.

There you go.

Absolutely.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a cake decorator.

Okay.

There you go.

Absolutely.

That's amazing.

How long have you been decorating cakes for?

For about a year and a half, about as long as I've been doing stand-up.

Amazing.

And you decided to both start stand-up comedy and decorating cakes at the same time.

What were you doing before that?

I was driving semi-trucks.

James.

Sorry, how do you go from...

You seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis instead.

I'm going into cake decoration.

I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about at the show.

Yes.

Much better than that.

What cakes do you like to decorate?

Wedding cakes?

Kids' birthday cakes?

Do you do it at HEB or a fancy place?

I'm fascinated tell us all about the cake decorating I am so interested it's a Walmart

you gotta start sandwich

Wow how did how does this start how does one even get into cake decorating it's the highest what's one of the highest paid positions at Walmart so you went to a Walmart you're like what kind of jobs are available you looked at the pay and you're like I'll just take on cake decorating it's exactly that wow incredible.

Were you driving trucks for Walmart before that?

No, I was driving for a beer company.

Okay, what made you want to stop driving and start cake decorating?

A DUI.

Ah, yes, that'll do it.

Many of your favorite cake decorators were once

truck drivers.

Wow.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Where were you when you got the DUI?

Were you getting high on your own supply out of the back of the truck?

No, I was driving home from a new faces comedy show at 10 p.m.

Prov

and I got pulled over while I was eating McDonald's.

Is that a crime?

If that's a crime, I'm in big shit.

If that's a crime, then Red Band's Jack the Ripper.

I got pulled over when I saw the lights, I panicked, and I dropped the McDonald's all over myself.

Oh yeah.

And then my thought process was like, if the cop sees this McDonald's all over me and my car, he's gonna like assume I'm drunk.

And you were a little drunk, right?

Yeah,

I hid the McDonald's in my pockets.

Oh,

I love this.

Now we're fucking talking.

Finally, a moment of an interview where somebody admits fucking something.

Yeah.

Other than them being a federal witness against Demetrius Demetrius Andre Jenkins III.

Not this guy.

Uh-uh.

Not you.

Not you.

So you're shoving like what?

What are we talking about?

Fries, burgers?

Are there sauces in your pockets?

Like, what do you remember?

McDoubles.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

So

this is while you're pulling over or as he's approaching.

No, I had them all in the pockets by the time I was pulled over.

He didn't find them until he searched me.

Oh,

my god.

Oh

my God.

Wow.

This is incredible.

So

you're driving.

You're eating McDonald's.

You got McDoubles.

No fries.

You went straight McDonald's.

Oh yeah, if you use the app, you get a free.

I did not know this.

Red Band.

Red Band actually created the app.

A lot of people know that.

Okay.

So

you see the lights.

You're eating McDoubles straight up.

Did you get to eat some of the McDouble at least?

Yeah, I was like halfway through that first one.

Right.

And then you took the second one out of the bag in its wrapper and put it in your pocket?

I kind of had them like all laid out.

How many McDoubles did you get?

When you say all.

I had three McDoubles.

That is six hamburgers in between three sets of buns, ladies and gentlemen.

That is true.

That is a mick that's a mixpel

I want you to answer this question truthfully.

Are you the hamburgler?

Honestly, that guy's legit as fuck.

So I would take

the hamburger.

True gangster.

So you take a burger.

No, you take two and a half burgers and you shove them in your pockets.

And then the cop comes up and what's the first moment in which you realize that you might get in trouble?

Does he say that he smells alcohol today?

He was like, you've been drinking?

And you're like, no.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

But what had you drank that night?

Let's go through it here.

Lots of tequila shots.

Oh, yeah.

I was celebrating a good set

at the Tempe Improv.

I do it.

In Tempe.

Tempe.

You were loving it.

Right.

Tempe uses unmarked cars, correct?

Was it an unmarked police car?

No, it was marked.

Okay.

It was Chandler Police Department.

yeah

did you have to go to Maricopa County Court

no I went to Chandler courts they gave me like mandatory minimums like two days in jail house arrest did they make double your fine

all right

it was it was a pretty big what did he say when he was feeling when he's patting you down and he goes there's a little

something here you was it like is there anything Do you have anything in your pockets that could hurt me or give me heart disease?

Yeah.

It won't pick or poke you, but it'll give you cholesterol.

There you go.

Yep.

Yeah.

His exact words when he pulled them out is he had them in his hands and he said,

Why are there burgers in your pockets?

People ask Red Band that every day.

And then, what what did you say?

I said exact words.

I said, I don't know, take me to jail.

Brilliant.

At least you knew, because I was going to say, you must have skipped the tests and everything after that, right?

You admitted to being drunk?

Yeah.

Right.

There was no hiding it.

That makes sense.

Wow.

So from a high to a low, did you have to spend the night there?

No, actually, they put me in the cell.

They closed the door and then they opened it and they let me go.

And I i was actually like less than a mile away from my house when i got out of uh

when i got out of the the the police department i could see my apartment complex amazing perfect do you talk about this on stage by the way that's way better than anything you said on your minute

yeah i do i have i have a bit that's pretty much like just exactly what i said right now it usually works yeah no that makes sense uh

wow so what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you as a cake decorator Weirdest cake you ever made?

Uh there's not like really weird cakes.

I've had like people say they don't like them.

Ah.

What did they not like?

Your decoration part or the flavor?

Honestly, I think they like it until they see me

and then they like notice that I'm the one that made the cake.

Has there ever been a time where you felt like

You know someone was gonna rob you at the cake store and you started shoving cake in your pockets

Have you ever gone back to that have you ever put more food in your pockets before or since then?

No, that was the first and only were you stoned were you high?

Would you smoke some weed that night?

No, I was just that was my honest just a night in Tempe a wild night in Tempe a hot night lots of tequila and you're shoving burgers in your I can't imagine being that kind of drunk To where I'd be like fuck I gotta get rid of these fucking burgers.

If he sees these burgers, burgers, he's gonna know I'm drunk.

Like, I would eat the burger, and I would, like, try to fucking get a pickle.

Yeah, put some, like, pickles on my neck.

Yeah.

Smell alcohol.

Exactly.

Yeah, I'd rub the burger.

I'd put it everywhere but my pockets.

That's like the exact opposite of what I thought.

Yeah.

Did it feel good?

Yeah.

Would you ever do it again for leisure?

Yes, in a heartbeat.

In a heartbeat, I would.

I've often thought about putting a McGriddle down the front of the trouser.

Yeah.

If it was two hours later, it would be a different story.

Oh, yeah.

Foiled by time.

Yeah.

You couldn't have hot cakes in the pants.

I couldn't.

Anthony, congratulations.

You got pulled out of the bucket here.

You could put that in your pocket.

That's a little joke book.

The last remaining little

joke book.

I'm going to have to start giving out cigarette butts.

Smoked cigarettes if this trend of bad of okay bucket pools Continues this sounds like a name that I would make up ladies and gentlemen because I think it's one of the funniest last names in all of comedy But it appears as if though this is this guy's real name makes some noise for David Jenkins everybody.

I do believe I use that word all the time David Jenkins

Hi everybody

So, I was grocery shopping the other day, and my unemployed friend wanted to come along, as they do.

And he just is one of those political types that can't stop talking about how bad Trump is.

But I let him go on, tell the whole spiel.

And his big thing was he was against borders.

He said, borders don't work, borders don't work.

I was like, all right, you do you.

But we get...

to the checkout line and on that little conveyor belt he puts that little divider So I'm just a little confused.

Do borders work or do borders not work?

It really didn't look good because I was buying for taco night.

Do you think an autistic girl has ever paid for fake tits to avoid eye contact?

That's my time.

Thank you.

Okay, David Jenkins, welcome to the show.

This is your first time here, Chris.

It is.

Welcome, welcome.

That was okay.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've done it like five times.

Five times.

You live here in Austin?

I do.

Born and raised?

No.

Where are you from?

Tampa.

Okay, what made you want to move here?

I've got a long history here related with my girlfriend.

She lived here for several years up until 2020.

And I visited in March of 2020, right when the lockdowns happened, and then in June, and then I had a one-way ticket for the first time here, and we drove back together to Tampa, where she came back with me.

Okay.

And then we moved out here.

You guys are still together?

Yep.

Amazing.

What does she do?

She does DoorDash.

What do you do?

Accounting.

Wow.

You're a real accountant?

I am.

And that's my real last name.

Jenkins is your real last name.

I know.

I thought about making a fake Jenkins name because I know you love to use it.

I love it.

I think Jenkins is the funniest last name.

Perfect.

Absolutely incredible.

Well, that's your real name.

So you come from a long line of Jenkins.

I'm actually the third.

You are David Jenkins the third.

What does David Jenkins Sr.

do?

He's dead.

How about your dad?

He's retired now, but he did, he was a mechanic for airplanes.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, so you've done it five times.

You're an accountant.

What made you want to start stand-up?

I just love it.

I've been listening to it for so long.

Like, I remember in fifth grade, I don't remember which album it was for Brian Regan, but just listening to that again and again and cracking up every time, putting it on the radio for my dad.

And

I've just been obsessed with it ever since.

He's the man.

He makes everybody do a shot before they go on stage, before his shows.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Little fun fact.

He seems like he'd be, like, clean and sober, but he knows how to fucking dirty hard.

I know he looks like Santa now.

I didn't know that.

All right.

Tell us the most interesting thing about your entire life, David, before I get you out of here because we're going to fly through some.

I've got the same tooth knocked out three times.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

So they keep putting, when you say you got it knocked out, is it people knocking it out?

One time.

But not on purpose.

It was never on purpose.

You were just horseplaying around?

Yeah, the first time I was running up a wet slide, fell, hit it, boom.

Boom.

Second time, I hit a kid on the forehead while playing basketball.

And the third time I got hit in in the face with the baseball.

So two out of three times sports.

Kind of surprising.

Wow.

James, what do you think about this?

I love that you've had the confidence to wear a beanie that makes your head look like the tip of a penis.

Absolutely.

I think that's good.

Right there.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

What made you pick flesh-colored?

It's my girlfriend had it, and I didn't want to buy a new one, and it's really warm.

I mean, it's cold out tonight.

Okay.

Yeah.

And you've coupled that with the I Have Grandchildren sweater?

Yeah, you can't scare me.

I have grandchildren.

Where do you get something like that?

A lot of hip, a lot of hip dudes on tonight's show.

Where do you get a shirt like that?

I thrifted it on Depop.

I don't know if you've heard of that.

It's like an online thrift.

Oh, I know all about it.

I go all the way to Round Top just to antique sometimes.

I don't believe in Depop.

I think that's the weak way to do it.

I go to the big, weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff.

That's what I do.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I know all about it, and they're extra angry for me.

When I walk in there, I go, you're all lucky to even be here.

Get out of my bin.

Nope.

I thought the joke at the end was good.

Thank you.

I just wanted to be supportive.

And it was.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No, I...

I got more laughs than I thought it would, to be honest.

It got more laughs than I thought it would, too.

It's because the audience has only heard comedy uh for a total of two minutes tonight it was aya and martin phillips uh here's a little joke book there you go i've been given more little joke books by the way I've been handed little joke books.

The great bones I is somewhere skinning a cow right now live for us to be able to have more little joke books.

I have decided to pre-pull names, ladies and gentlemen.

We are going into turbo bucket pull mode.

When you hear those noises,

that means that since there have been no big joke books given out tonight, that I will be pulling and we will be watching people do minute sets until somebody truly kills Tony tonight.

This is the ninth bucket pull of the night.

It could end right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Wes Bullens, everybody.

Wes Bullens.

Am I the only one that always gets jump-scared by Valentine's Day?

It's the same day every year, guys.

It's a day to just be sad as fuck, you know?

Think about all the past trauma from your last relationships.

Valentine's Day is like my day of Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Because every relationship I've been in has just been completely over-exaggerated, if not just made up.

Joking around, guys.

I'm not Elon Musk for just having some laughs having some drinks at least I see you guys drinking here I

actually went sober that was my new year's resolution to go sober which it's a good thing right yeah it's a good thing no no that shit sucks it's just you and everything you hate about yourself trapped together all weekend long

You start looking forward to Monday?

It's rough, man.

I challenge you guys, go to a dive bar sober

and actually see what it's like.

It's traumatizing.

It's like Valentine's Day and the Holocaust every single weekend.

Thanks, guys.

It's my time.

And you know what that sound means.

Little joke book for Wes.

No interview.

He's gone.

Wes Bullens.

We are in turbo mode.

When you hear that slot arpeggio.

Arpeggio?

Arpeggio?

Arpeggio?

That sweet slot chime.

We're going until someone kills.

Who's with me?

Your next bucket pool.

Ladies and gentlemen, one minute for Matthew Jordan.

Thank you, Joe.

And welcome, welcome.

So I've been going to the gym lately.

Dropped 40 pounds already.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Got addicted to Zumba all the time.

Going in there, first time ever in there, they looked at me like this gringo is going to be out after three songs.

But I'm there.

I just want a to taste.

Just want a little bit of taste of that.

You just can't stop with that.

So

going to buy the third song, I feel like I'm having a heart attack.

I don't know if I'm having a heart attack or no.

I'm going into Zuma, going, going, going.

But then the fourth song, wait to the fourth song, because if you do make it past the third song, the fourth song, you just start feeling the music.

The music starts going through.

You don't even know what you're doing anymore.

You're moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

You're clapping.

You're in a rush to get to the front of the stage.

You want your spot.

Because once you get to that spot, you're up there and you're dancing.

Next thing you know, you get a target on your back.

That's Betty back there.

She's coming up.

She wants that spot.

No shit.

I was here an hour early putting my water bottle down in that spot right there.

It's mine.

Who knows about all that?

You fight for your spot in Zoom, but I'm telling you one thing.

Holy fucking shit.

There's a little joke book.

Thanks so much, Sir Matthew Jordan, ladies and gentlemen, on your 10th bucket pull of the night.

This is unbelievable.

We are quickly approaching approaching the record, which I do believe is 16.

The 16th bucket pull that night of Bunback, because I remember, because I'm a big fan of this show, was Aaron Belial, who would go on to win a golden ticket.

He would go on to America's Got Talent, and he's a ticket-selling star today, so anything can happen.

This is bucket pull number 11.

In a, we have one little joke book left again.

Make some noise for Ian Sharp.

Number 11, everybody, Ian Sharp.

Hey, thank you guys.

So the other day, I was walking around town, and believe it or not, I saw a real-life Nazi just standing there, broad daylight, full uniform, table full of propaganda.

So I knew what I had to do.

I said, not in my town.

So I walked right up to that Nazi, punched her right in the face.

Beat the shit out of her.

Don't worry.

I wasn't in any danger.

She was way smaller than me

Like suspiciously small, you know, she was about five six years old, but listen

If you're old enough to wear that uniform in public, you know the infamous Nazi uniform with the green skirt and the beret and the sash covered in war medals

If you're old enough to wear that, you're old enough to get punched in the face by a grown man

and get all of your cookies stolen

all right now listen folks

i'm no hero all right

all right we'll call it you guys are insane you've forgotten what

okay

we're going through a turbo round no interview ladies and gentlemen before i just pulled another one so before he comes up

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to bring someone up who specializes in following people bombing.

I've waited, I didn't want to have to wake him up, I didn't want to have to bring him out of his fucking cage.

But, ladies and gentlemen, here he is while we wrangle a bucket pull because it's up to a bucket pull to get us out of this mess.

We will go all night, we will do all 200.

This

is

Drew Nickens.

My dad is my best friend,

Even though he talks shit about me on Reddit.

And he's a kooky guy.

I was scrolling through Facebook.

I got a group recommend that says sexy superheroes.

And my dad was a member.

So I checked on it just to see what type of did he freak off shit he's into.

That's when I realized my dad is a Batman cosplayer.

Imagine this.

He is a 6'6 ⁇ , 450-pound black man in a Batman costume in a wheelchair that he calls the Batmobile because he can't walk.

He goes,

I'm Batman.

I love solving crime unless there's stairs.

Like, why can't you be trans, dad?

It was awkward.

I walked into my parents' house, a.k.a.

the Batcave.

That's when I realized my parents were creating content.

My dad, full

cool costume, batarang hanging out.

My mom, hunched over in a pleather costume.

It smelled like a Harby's roast beef sandwich in that bitch.

They had the meats.

But I'm not going to kingshame.

So you can find me in that group at the Retarded Robin.

Thank y'all so much.

All right.

Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen.

We're flying through it tonight, Drew.

There he goes.

Drew Nickens, everybody.

We are still in turbo mode.

I don't know if you guys hear those sweet slot chimes.

You guys hear that?

Come on, let's get some energy out for this room.

No, no.

No, no, no.

We don't want fake energy.

All right.

We need to bring that energy back down, everybody.

We want you to be a true

judgmental crowd.

We know what the fuck is going on here.

Stay judgmental.

Make these.

Someone's gotta fucking earn it.

Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented episode, this is indeed your 12th bucket pull of the night.

Make some noise for a minute from Matt Rivera.

Matt Rivera.

Hey everybody, my name is Matt.

I've always struggled with my masculinity.

I think it's because I like bubble baths.

Which is really confusing because now ice baths are cool.

It's like, what, are you getting a tub of ice?

You're manly and you're stoic, but you had some soap and you're a pussy.

I don't know how to treat people, man.

I saw this homeless guy the other day, and he asked me for money.

I opened my wallet, I only had $2,

so I told him no.

Then the next day, I came back, and he was dead.

And when something like that happens, it really like fucks with you, but it teaches you to appreciate things in life.

Like, I am so grateful I didn't give that guy any money

Because he's fucking dead now, and it's a tale as old as time.

You know what they say?

A bird in a hand beats two in a dead homeless guy

in a bush.

I've been getting a little freakier in the bedroom.

Recently, I had sex in the Amazon position.

Yeah, it's pretty hot.

It's when I'm on top and she's at her phone looking at throw pillows.

All right, thank thank you guys.

All right, Matt Rivera.

The biggest laugh you got there, you shook your head like that.

You go,

why'd you do that?

I don't know.

I was just, yeah.

Were you surprised?

I'm surprised that I'm here right now.

What the fuck is a lightning round, dude?

Well, you know how you were at that bar across the street and all those people came over here.

They got, you saw people leave with a person with a headset.

I did see all that.

I guess it's not going great.

It's not going great.

And it's still not going great.

It is still, as you hear that sweet, sweet sound, it's still not going great.

I have no more little joke books to give out, but I will give you a bottle.

This is a bottle of souvenir comedy mothership water.

Now, it might not seem like much.

Now I'm going to wait on the cigarette buds.

This doesn't look like the kind of guy we want to give our DNA to.

Now this might seem like nothing, but this is actually a $13

bottle of water.

Have you ever had a $13 bottle of 20.600 milliliters before?

No, no, it's impossible to have that small of an amount of water worth $13.

Only here, a true souvenir, courtesy of the comedy mothership.

A $13 bottle of water.

Right when you think Joe Rogan can't get any richer.

Leave it to a $13 bottle of water, ladies and gentlemen.

There's also, it's reusable.

John Dees has reminded me, as I'm sure the Carrie would, who

runs the joint, it is reusable.

That is one of the things that they tell me when I make fun of them for having this bottle of water.

They go, it's reusable.

I go, who the fuck is going to fill up?

Who's drinking this rusty second sloppy...

All right,

excellent water.

Yes, it is delicious.

High-quality water.

It is unbelievable.

Do you drink water sometimes?

I try to, yeah.

There you go.

There he goes, everybody.

Matt Ribera.

We are on number 13.

It seems like it will never end, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Sean Stewart.

Number 13.

Howdy, y'all.

Howdy.

It's crazy.

Inbreeding used to be cool, right?

You had to be rich and famous to fuck your cousin.

A king and a queen, the powerful, fucked their cousins.

Now they fuck kids on an island.

Right?

I'm kind of sad I wasn't invited to that island, though.

Not as an adult, but as a kid.

I wanted a Nickelodeon show.

I think it could have been better than Drake and Josh.

Right?

Huh?

Everybody got real mad when they found out Stephen Hawking went to the island?

I I don't know why.

I don't think his dick worked.

If I was a kid on that island that had got him on my weekly schedule, I'd be kind of pumped.

Right?

You know he gave some bomb ass head.

Right?

It was like, harder.

Deeper.

Daddy.

A show would have been great.

Sean Stewart, everybody.

You hear that sound?

We're in a turbo round, Sean.

So put the mic back in the mic stand.

You don't have to do an interview.

You get to go right back to bed where you came from back in your sweatpants.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been on this show multiple times.

I do believe he's the door guy here.

This could be the answer we've been looking for in bucket pull number 14.

It would be crazy if this guy doesn't do good.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Adam Lucky.

Joe Tony, how the fuck we doing, everybody?

We in it.

I'm going to do a fucking catchphrase right now.

I'm going to go AO.

You guys give me a Shabango.

AO!

Fuck yeah.

So the other day I was beating my daughter.

Aunt Jenga.

am I right guys no that's a joke she beat me so I punched that bitch in the fucking face ayo

fuck yeah anyway I don't be fucking that bitch by the way

I may look like a pedophile but I'm not one which is tough because I do I do have resting I'd be fucking my daughter face which is not easy

Which I don't like because I got to walk around with that daughter and it's tough because she's not even that hot so it's like damn

not only do I look like a pedophile I look like a pedophile who can't even pull

like uh oh

god damn she may be five years old but she's a four at best am I right

oh my god I went to the kill Tony show and a guy made a pedophile joke fuck yeah suck it fuck it boys hell yeah

Now you did good.

You did good.

And normally that would be good enough for a big joke book.

Thanks, Tony.

You,

but I realize that I kind of, it's kind of defeating the purpose having someone that already has a big joke book up.

Because we are, without a doubt, inside of the Turbo Round.

It's all good, bro.

Anything crazy happened since the last time you were on the show?

Stayed off cocaine.

Well, congratulations.

Normally a lot of people that open up with give me a shebang and I'll give an AO are still on cocaine.

Ironically enough.

But on the Kratom.

oh you're on kratom no i'm trying to yes i am on katom yeah

yeah this is what every addict does now i don't know if you guys have any of these kratom buttons

yeah yeah so you started with just a little bit right well the kratom yeah no i went in full on hard really yeah because i used to be a painkiller addict so i went in deep okay and so now you're deeper right the addiction only grows a little bit more of a what do you how do you do it a scoop no i'm uh they have these press pills now which is basically just like gas station Vicodin.

So it's badass.

They're really cheap, and they make fucking Hey Arnold really funny.

So I highly suggest.

And how many does it say to take on the instructions?

It says two a day, and I'm down to 30 a day.

You're down?

No, seriously.

No, not really.

No, I'm four a day.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to quit, go cold turkey, so I'm just going to sweat in my room for four days.

Have you thought about quitting before this?

Have you tried at all to quit?

Yeah, pretty much.

But tomorrow's like the day I'm actually going to really try hard, but we'll see.

No promises.

Sorry, mom.

I don't give a fuck.

It's not going to work.

No, it probably won't work.

I know.

There's no way you're quitting Kratom tomorrow.

I mean, I'll do my best.

You can just feel it in the air.

Thank you.

You've tried to quit before.

How long have you been on this Kratom addiction?

I mean, overall, probably like six years.

I was expecting that to be Heidi and and it was James

I didn't know the show was gonna go for nine hours I know I know it's a crazy one

hey James all right here we go there he goes thank you

Adam lucky ladies and gentlemen is multiple appearances on this show we're going until we give away a big joke book a true fucking bucket pool here we go it could be right now there's the lovely Heidi total opposite from James McCann

Make some noise for

this is indeed our 15th bucket pull of the night.

We are one away from the record.

Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody.

Luke Nukem.

Y'all, I think it's safe to say

life is like toilet paper.

We all go through it.

Some more than others.

They say they don't.

They got to be full of shit.

I wouldn't shake their hand.

That's what I'm saying.

That's

a

hot take.

I think cheating is bad.

I think it's worse women do it.

A woman will cheat.

Not even come.

It's fuck.

Like guys, guys are so gross.

Like they'll be like, oh, just a fucking pussy.

Like yeah, let's do it.

Oh, you know what that means.

Do you want a cigarette butt?

Do you want one of Red Band's cigarette butts?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Bam.

All right, there he goes.

Luke Nukem, everybody.

We're in the turbo round, Luke.

I don't know if you hear that noise.

Keep the volume up.

Jesus Christ.

A woman will cheat and not even come was like a beautiful poem or something, you know?

Hold on, let me make sure I have this correct.

9, 10, 11, 12, 13,

9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

This is it, ladies and gentlemen.

This will tie the record for all-time.

Are you guys excited to be here at a record-setting episode?

How long has it been?

12 and a half?

Sorry, June 2013.

What is that?

12 years?

I don't know.

We've been doing this show a long time.

This will be...

This will tie the all-time amount of bucket pulls.

This should be your final bucket pull of the night.

Make some noise for Bruce Dutor, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm in it for Bruce.

Yeah, that's right.

Soak it in, ladies.

This is what Jeff Bezos would look like without any money.

This is the improvement.

I've lost 60 pounds, but I didn't get the results I wanted.

I ended up with loose skin.

I wanted a tight-toned stomach.

I ended up with a belly that looks like a used grocery bag.

Yeah, you know, if my body was an amusement park, it would be six red flags.

Shit, you know?

And everything's going crazy now.

Everybody's like, oh, the fuck Trump's in office.

But, you know, I'm looking forward to it because, quite frankly, I like Hispanic women.

With all this talk of deportation, there's got to be somebody cute out there that wants a green card, you know.

He just renamed the Gulf of

Mexico to the Gulf of America.

I can't wait to see what he does next.

There's a body of water that borders the west coast of this great country.

We're going to call it the Great American Ocean.

What are you going to call the one on the other side?

The Other American Ocean.

That's what we'll call it.

It's a tough predicament.

It is a tough predicament.

Bucket pull number 16 coming out with that head.

I mean, you are so funny looking.

It's almost not fair, the amount of laughter that you get looking the way that you do.

You are a funny-looking guy, and you're aware of it.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh.

Take it away.

I love it.

I love it.

So you're a real guy, huh, Bruce?

Some of my exes would disagree, but fuck those bitches.

I love it.

My goodness, and I see the extra skin.

It's there on your neck.

It's there, too.

What's the most you ever weighed?

About 250.

About 250.

How'd you lose the weight?

What is your secret?

I just diet and exercise.

Okay.

Anything you enjoy in life, stop doing it.

Yeah.

What do you do for a living?

I used to be an automotive and now I'm just pursuing comedy and mooching off my trust fund.

Okay.

How much do you have in the trust fund?

How much do you have saved up in your trust fund?

I basically live on about $2,500 a month.

Okay.

Is that what all they give you?

Is that what you're allotted?

Pretty much, yeah.

Okay, so your trust fund, you get like a monthly thing.

They didn't want to give it to you all at once.

Yeah, I get like a monthly stipend and then what little bit I make off of uh comedy and so forth.

A little bit of acting here and there.

And the trust fund was from your parents?

Yeah, pretty much.

Okay, and

your father passed away?

No, he's still around.

It'll be way better when he goes.

Okay, that makes sense.

I love you, Dad.

I know you're not watching, but I love you.

Please stick around.

That makes sense.

Tell us more about your life, Bruce.

You seem like a guy that's been divorced a lot.

Oh,

I'll tell you the closest I've ever been to marriage was I was going to ask a girl, I said, I need to ask you a question.

She said, dear God, please don't ask me to marry you.

That wasn't the question.

The question was, Have you been cheating on me?

And she did say yes.

Why do you think she was cheating on you?

Because she was a fucking piece of shit.

She introduced me to the guy, too.

She's like, You got to come meet this guy.

He looks exactly like you.

Did he look exactly like you?

He was a little taller, but apparently he wasn't as good as in bed because she called me later to complain that he couldn't make her come.

And you could make her come.

Apparently, not good enough.

I don't know.

It's such an interesting predicament.

What are your secrets to

making a woman come?

Teach me, Bruce.

Just work the tongue just desperately until they either tell you to stop or are such a good enough actress you believe they're not faking.

Okay.

Ah, shit.

I think we should just give up.

You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time?

All right.

this is indeed a record this is officially a record-setting episode bruce dotore goes on to the next one you know what we're gonna do while we go wrangle that person i'm gonna bring to the stage just to show you that it is possible to kill i'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show who would normally close the show just to show you that comedy can be done ladies and gentlemen one of the greatest regulars ever here with a brand new minute this young man,

I promise you, will one day be a citizen of the United States of America.

One of the shining stars of the Kill Tony universe.

This is the Estonian assassin,

Ari Mati.

I took the bus last week

and I sit in the back of the bus and I think I'm alone on the bus

until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there

and he has the

down

syndrome

and not say nothing bad about him

he just got it

And he notices me too.

And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first

is a pussy.

And you know me, dog.

If you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck you back.

So I stare this motherfucker down

and we keep going

I missed my stop

now who's retarded huh

and it was one of those buses you know where the middle part has this slinky accordion

so every time the bus would turn

me and my guy would lose each other

And then every time it's straightened out,

there he is.

The only moment he broke eye contact was because in one of the bus stops from the middle door, a lady

enters the bus.

And she has, I don't even know how to say this, but she's got

They were so big that the tits were on the bus.

She almost missed it.

You know what I'm saying?

And me and my guy, we like both at the same time,

we like both look at the tits.

And brother, when we looked back at each other,

the connection

we had

That's how perverted men are

It's in our DNA

Because I got a high school diploma and he thinks mirrors are another room

But at that point we were both like

So ladies get those milkers out and bring this country together.

Thank you so much.

Proof.

Proof that it's possible.

Thank you.

Three minutes of brand new material

after doing tens and tens of minutes before on the show's history.

Take note.

16 bucket pools we've been through.

Nobody had one minute, like any minute of your three minutes.

And you've done this.

I mean, people like me, I have an advantage.

Well, yeah, no, I know that.

I'm just saying, this is a wild episode.

Have you been keeping track?

I'm sure you've been back there waiting for us.

I was listening, but I had to go.

I had to walk.

Yeah.

Dude, I was starting to bomb.

Yeah.

You know, when you listen to comedy, you're like, what?

This is...

Stand up, people.

Yeah.

What are we doing?

Exactly.

I was starting to think it was me.

I thought I was bringing that.

No, James.

Dude!

Ari,

why don't you put the mic in the mic stand?

Why don't you sit in next to James and join us?

Let's get through the rest of it together.

Let's just see what happens here.

You want a drink?

What do you want to drink, Ari?

Order a drink.

We might be here a while.

What do you want to drink, Ari?

What do you want to drink?

Uh, whiskey and soda water.

Can I get the whiskey and soda water?

We're having fun here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially a record.

Your 17th bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Zach Myers, everybody.

What's up?

Uh, so recently I've been banging this cancer bitch.

Yep.

But she's not one of those leukemia hoes.

She was just born in July.

Yep.

The issue with her, though, is she does have cancer, and I'm just not into that.

How much can you expect me to care when I can't get to second base?

Because she's already at stage four.

They cut cut her tits off too quick.

Thank you.

And a lot of my buddies will be like, well, why are you even into her, bro?

And I tell them, you know, it's simple.

As an Arabic, I find it sexy how easily she got in the terminal.

That means your minute is up.

The cat is gone and the slot chime is in because we are in turbo mode.

There was one point in the middle of your set where you said thank you.

Did you remember that?

Yes, sir.

They were laughing because of the way that Ari Maddie was laughing

at the overall thing.

There was a part where James laughed because you did a cancer, the

what do they call that?

After this show, I'm going to have to just stare into a flower for half an hour.

There's good news.

There's good news.

The show is never going to end.

Give it up for Zach Myers as it continues.

He looks like a vampire, huh?

We are in deep, ladies and gentlemen.

There goes Zach Myers back to...

He's going to live a thousand years.

Back to the movie Twilight He Goes.

Did we get that...

Has that bucket pull come back yet?

You need another name?

Oh, boy.

Red Band wants to get out of here so badly.

The noises that he's making.

Thank God he's not in control of the show.

Am I right?

Yay!

just hand it off there's there you go

we're having fun here let's kill some time hold on a second here hold on a second all right maddie have you been on the road lately what have you been doing yeah i went to denver like this weekend oh yeah comedy works downtown wonderful literally i say the best built comedy club in the world

Did you feel that way?

Yeah, it was crazy hot, the crowd.

You get a bit too confident up there, maybe, you know, after some shows.

It is ridiculous.

I didn't like the Denver airport, though.

You know, an airport where you take a flight and then you got to take a train?

Bro, we flew 1,800 miles.

Can we fly two more?

Take me there!

No, baby.

Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train.

Pittsburgh Airport.

I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport.

Bang!

I'm on a train.

I love it.

I love it.

Wow.

We're going to find a superstar here tonight.

Can you feel it?

I can feel the energy.

Hey, don't you guys think James looks like a cute dog with glasses?

He does have that guy.

You have that dog?

You do.

Yeah, you do.

It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me.

I appreciate it.

Which one of us is going going to get a green card first, huh?

Fight!

People are leaving, huh?

Because they think the show's over or something.

Someone should make an announcement there at the bar that the show is continuing until somebody does good.

Here, I'll give you two, because let's face it,

we're probably going to go through.

And

if the first one does better before the second one, then we'll put the second one up next week or something.

We're going to stay here all fucking night

for those of you getting thirsty out there let me remind you that this is a reusable bottle of water it is $13 shocking shocking but it's reusable so you know something to keep in mind plus it has a mothership logo on it I mean look at that who what's not to love about a hook hey lady you want to do the secret show Thursday wow a woman from the audience You do?

Did you sign up?

Do you do comedy?

Oh, it's a shame.

I'll bet you're funnier than everybody without being prepared.

Do you think you have a minute?

Do you think you have...

Who here has a minute, huh?

Do you think you have 20 seconds?

Should we get somebody who looks funny?

Did you sign up, sir?

You did?

What's your name?

All right, ladies and gentlemen, make so noise for Brandon Ferris.

We are doing this tonight.

Let's go, Brian Gone.

This guy literally just said, I can do it.

Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen?

We will be here all night until somebody who hasn't been on this show before does good.

This is the Kill Tony debut of Brandon Ferris.

I've been told I have resting Republican face.

I look like I buy my daughter black baby dolls because

February and black issue month.

So good.

So good.

Get out of here.

Get out of here, Brandon.

Put the mic back in the mic.

Okay, Brandon.

You said it's not.

Put the mic back where you found it.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Get out of here.

Now get back to your fucking seat.

He lost confidence in four seconds.

Jesus fucking Christ.

This is unbelievable.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool.

I do believe this is fucking number 20 or something.

I don't know what's going on here.

Make some noise.

Oh, we know this guy.

There's okay, ladies and gentlemen.

Dubs general, ladies and gentlemen.

Bucket full number 20, dubs general.

I can already tell you.

We have another one coming.

So, boy, people.

I'm new to dating.

Are y'all still afraid of AIDS out here?

I've been fucking these ratchet bitches lately and I was in

with her and I was getting it in.

I was trying to get in.

I was

fuck y'all, that's how I fuck.

And she said,

I kept fucking.

I didn't give a shit.

I kept fucking.

I'm not finna do this with y'all.

Thank y'all very much.

Y'all have yourself great.

There he goes, Dubs General, ladies and gentlemen.

You can go, dubs.

We're in turbo round right now.

We are flying through it.

Go ahead.

What the fuck, what's that?

Are you guys having fun still, huh?

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've lost count.

I literally have to count the days.

We are in it.

Make some noise for Eric Bell, everybody.

This could be the one.

Eric Bell.

So my oldest daughter just turned 13 recently and into a little bitch.

Guys, is it still illegal in the state to attempt to sell your child to a wealthy old childless couple?

Even if they're white?

What?

She gets a new and better life.

I get a new Corvette 3 LT.

I told that one online.

I didn't go viral.

I did get a haha like, however, a friend request and a comment asking, where can we see more of your material?

From Texas Child Protective Services.

Ladies, I'm dating.

I get it.

All right, I've been collecting that spread feedback from you, ladies, for a long time now.

I get it.

It's not the face is closing ass with you.

But you have to be so goddamn mean about it.

A woman told this to me recently.

This wasn't a date.

This was over the phone, me trying to live free out in the wild.

She said, eric your looks are not that special

another minute from eric bell

now let me just say something here call me hard let me say something it's crazy because just a week ago and you can go back you can go back one episode right now those of you watching on youtube you could go back one episode jim norton and tony caruso right here just a week ago and i

only one of the bucket pools got a little jokebook literally eight out of nine or whatever it was or nine out of ten or seven out of eight got big joke books and still as it continues there's still not one there goes Eric Bell thank you Eric we're in turbo round right now

I'm gonna count it just for our own sake I'm counting it counting it somebody say something while I count talk about something the goodwill has left my body someone needs to be great

Come on!

I peed up my football.

But if you want good comedy, James McCann, new special, out now.

Hey, America.

That is true.

Hey America.

Go to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on YouTube.

By the way, this episode is brought to you by Baya and Blue Chew.

And this is literally your 20th bucket pull of the night.

This has to get us out of here.

Do you feel it?

This could be the one.

But stay strong.

Be real.

This is a minute from Aaron Spaller, everybody.

Aaron Spaller, number 20.

Have y'all seen these Honda Civics driving around?

They got that big-ass spoiler.

Really loud exhaust on it and all these stickers.

And it's this shitty little car.

It's trying so hard to be a race car,

but it just can't do anything that a race car can do.

Shit's really annoying, right?

Yeah, it's the same way I feel about trans women, too.

I feel like I just walked into a fucking fire right now.

Breathe.

Alright.

Something I've learned living in this city.

I'm gonna cut you off right there.

Aaron Spoller.

There he goes, Aaron.

You seem like you'd be a very fun interview, but I gotta keep it moving.

I don't know if you hear the slot chimes, but we're in turbo mode.

Red man has low blood sugar right now.

He wants to go home.

This is bucket pole number 21.

It's a female comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ashley Palmer, everybody.

I'm a doctor.

In Canada, which means the government pays me to stick my finger at people's butts.

Yeah.

Gotta wear a glove, though.

Yeah.

Morphine is addictive.

Western Medicine tried to solve this with heroin.

Oops.

It was sold over the counter to treat coughs in children.

It worked.

You know?

It also helped kids learn how to write

a lowercase N.

N is for nap time.

N is for Nancy didn't wake up from nap time.

But don't worry.

Morphine's been replaced.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry.

Heroin's been replaced by its non-addictive cousin, fentanyl.

Modern medicine.

We just keep getting better.

I'm sorry, how old are you?

I'm 30.

Even if a guy fucks you, he should still be on a list, You know what I'm saying?

That is true.

My man looking for loopholes.

It is incredible.

This is what free health care gets you, ladies and gentlemen.

Imagine walking in, and this is your doctor.

Are you like a general health doctor?

Well, yeah, I work.

I'm a general practitioner.

I work up north, so I do like clinic, emergency room, and in the hospital in a rural place.

Is that weird to be a white doctor in Canada?

I hear it's mostly Chinese.

There's a lot of white South African doctors.

Interesting.

Yeah,

they're really good.

Why do you think the South Africans are so good at being doctors?

It's their training programs.

Yeah, they're just intense.

Yeah.

The colleges in South Africa?

Yeah, I think it's kind of like a trial-by-fire type of thing, so they're just good at handling situations.

I can't believe you've killed another one.

You're shameful.

You would do what that teacher told you to do.

Yeah.

Yep.

What was your schooling like?

Super Canadian?

Yeah.

Now, a lot of people don't know this, but I study the Canadian healthcare system because they brag about how good it is.

And I like to do my own research just to make sure that I live in the greatest country on planet Earth.

And I do.

I don't know if you guys know this, but Canada...

does suicides now for anybody that wants one.

Am I correct?

No.

Okay, correct me where I'm wrong.

It's like, it's called MAID, which is medical assistance in dying, and no one's ever approached me about it, but it's like

you just said, at an emergency, like urgent care thing, so they would go to a hospital or a normal actual professional, actual real money-making full-time doctor.

I work in a clinic, too.

Yeah, no, I know.

They wouldn't go to like a free clinic for that.

They would just be like, hey, everything's free everywhere.

Like what you're saying at clinic, that's just like the minor league hospital, right?

No.

Yeah, it is.

What's the difference between a clinic and and a hospital?

I work in a hospital also.

What do you do at the hospital?

Inpatient care.

Is that the people that would kill themselves?

Sometimes, yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, because it's like for

terminal illnesses that cause like a lot of suffering.

I know 21 people who want to get that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've talked to multiple Canadian doctors and civilians that live in Canada, and they have all known someone or know people or have assigned it.

You haven't?

No, I know people who have, but I've just never had a patient approach

to make this clear so that everybody understands in Canada it's not you're sick with something and dying from something that would make you kill yourself like here in America you have to be dying in order to have other people help you kill yourself in Canada you just have to be sad correct Oh no, but that's something they've talked about, which would be really fucked up if it's like that became a thing and then like you don't accept like psychedelic medicines, which are really really like you know you know what i mean like it sounds like you're in denial that your health care system in canada is so wild that sad people just get to kill themselves and then they schedule them to kill themselves where's the air horn when you need it yeah i i don't know if that's like in practice yet but that's a dark dystopian potential

hold on i believe it is hold on you say that it's a dark dystopian potential and that it's not in use can you describe what made is then oh but it's just not for sad people.

It's like for suffering, but for, or for like physical pain.

Do you think you have to have physical pain to do it there?

I think so.

You're wrong.

Okay.

That's possible.

You could just be sad.

Oh.

I know more about your system than you because I have a bit about it that I'm purposefully not doing because I don't want to leak it here because I want to do it on a thing one day.

Yeah.

But I would go into it and it works.

Okay.

Yeah.

But the point is, is the premise is what's most important.

Here's what's crazy is not only this is going to be interesting for you

Not only do Canadians do this over 2,000 actually over between 1,500 and 2,000 people did it in 2024 and again This is no physical ailment.

This is just being sad

I wish I was in Canada right now.

I know that's

that was the joke that I implied 28 seconds ago Now,

perfect timing, by the way, to do that then.

But But they schedule you.

So literally, it's not like you go into the hospital and you're like, I want to kill myself.

And they're like, come on, we'll do it.

They schedule you for a later date.

They have to process stuff and do things.

So they're literally like, okay, come back on this date and we will help you kill yourself.

And people have to wait.

And that's Canadian.

Or you go to their home.

Really?

Yeah, that's it.

The service with a smile up there in Canada.

They do it.

They go to their home.

Home visitors.

But what's the weapon?

It's an injectable drug.

Yeah.

And you've never done it, though.

No.

You know, in Finland, they have the highest rates of suicides in the world.

And also last year, the happiest country in the world.

Suicide works.

No doubt about it.

All right, we're gonna keep it moving.

There goes Ashley Palmer, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Ashley.

Welcome to America.

We're gonna keep it moving here.

This is fucking pool.

I don't know, again, I think it's 21, maybe.

Owen Galiban, everybody.

Owen Galiban.

Hey, everybody.

Because I think registered sex offenders are like really dumb.

Yeah, I'm never gonna register.

That's my little secret, you guys.

For real, though, I don't know how we landed on the term registered sex offenders.

Feels a little soft for what they actually are.

Could have easily went with convicted sex offenders, but we went with registered for some reason.

Why are we making it sound like they're sex offenders that did all the proper paperwork?

Like, you register to vote, you register a weapon, you register your car.

I don't think a cop's ever walked up on a sexual assault, like license and registration.

He's like, oh shit, that actually checks out.

My bad.

Didn't realize you had all your ducks in a row.

All right.

Thanks.

I like that one.

You like that one?

That was a good one.

Really?

Yeah,

there was like clever stuff.

I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Yes.

Really?

Am I losing my fucking mind right now?

He's fine.

Reggie's third sex.

All right, we're gonna keep it moving.

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

We're in turbo round.

I don't believe you.

I think Red Band's just trying to go home.

Make some noise for Nate Mueller, everybody.

Nate Mueller.

Joe Rogan's Comedy Club.

Oh my God.

What a seed.

That's it.

The episode's over, ladies and gentlemen.

We're done.

We did it.

Brought to you by Baya and Blue Chew.

James McCann's new special.

We believe.

Bonnie, we don't give up with a going guitar.

We keep going until greatness is achieved.

I'm sorry, Richmond.

We never got

All right.

Alright, everything stop, man.

Stop.

Okay, let's ignore the Joe Rogan's Club.

You do.

Start from the top.

Let's go.

Skip the Joe Rogan's Club.

Do your material.

Go.

Unfortunately, that was my material.

He's built a beautiful scene down here, so I moved.

Okay, there he goes, everybody.

There he goes.

That's okay.

All right.

Nate Mueller, everybody.

There he goes.

You're in a special turbo round, Nate.

Nope.

No bombing.

I've never seen it.

It was too late.

Look like this.

This is a...

All that I had written on this when I came up here was Martin Phillips and Ari Maddie.

We're a part of history now.

This isn't a normal Kill Tiny episode.

This is a historically bad Kill Tiny episode.

And from the corpse a flower must grow.

You know what's going to be great next week?

It's going to be all bucket kills.

They're killing.

Do you have an appointment to go to?

no he has nothing in the world no i just have to he has to do he has to do vr in like a few days or something for a little bit he has absolutely less than nothing to do there's no one i know that has less to do than actually red man

he's very excited to drink and complain about his night tonight that's all he has to do right it's my fault guys i'm sorry no it's not your fault

the next great comedian in america is behind that curtain well not yet they're not there There might be six or seven people behind that curtain.

There might be a hundred and fifty-four more people behind that curtain.

But I believe the greatness is gonna walk out of here tonight.

Is there anybody else inside that signed up?

What are they pointing at?

You did?

You did?

What's your name?

Jeff Scott?

Wow, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeff Scott.

This could be the one, everybody.

Do you believe in miracles?

All right.

I was watching a documentary before the show, but it got a little depressing, so I had to turn it off.

But it turns out dolphins will have sex with just about anything.

Like, they're extremely horny creatures.

And it kind of bummed me out, dude.

I just thought what me and Flipper had was special, you know?

I have herpes now, bastard.

I really am trying to improve myself right now, though.

I uh quit playing video games, no more smoking weed, or you know,

no more drinking.

I started going to church, and that means no more masturbating, you know, especially no more jerking off.

In fact, if I'm gonna have sex from now on, I only want it to be the Lord's way.

I just wish the priests would, you know, take it easy on me, dude.

I haven't felt a fart since Easter.

That's all I got.

Okay, go back to your seat, John.

We are in turbo.

It's crazy for the girlfriend, huh?

Dude,

I saw you have a panic attack there.

I'd like to give a special shout out to a special guest that's here tonight who told me 18 years ago when I said that I wanted to start stand-up, that I'm going to go to a local open mic in Burbank and start and he told me start at the comedy store he's visiting tonight first time I've seen him in Austin first time I've seen him in years how to hand for Jeff LaBeouf up there visiting everybody

old friend you're not gonna see him don't turn around it's dark up there it's a VIP balcony you peasants don't get to lay your eyes on him All right, back to the bucket we go.

Make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody.

Marvin Izzy.

Yam.

We here.

I smoke weed.

That's something me and my father used to do.

Smoke weed and laugh.

Smoke weed and laugh.

But we can't do it no more because his lungs can't take it like he used to.

Because he's dead, right?

Smoke so much, he's ashes now.

Don't feel bad, though.

I got a quarter pound of him in my living room.

My little sister hit me up.

Was like, I want some of his ashes so I could put in a locket.

I was like, I'll sell you an A for 60.

I want me and my wife to have a kid so I can know what the race of my baby is going to turn out to be.

I'll say race because I'm Puerto Rican and my wife is Honduran.

So if you use your mixed race calculator, Puerto Rico plus Honduras equals Mexican.

Cuban, if you carry the one,

y'all think I'm joking.

That mixed race calculator for real.

Like, if you get a Chinese person and a Jamaican, you get a Filipino.

You get an African and a Venezuelan, you get a Haitian.

If you get a Colombian and a Cuban, that's just a very serious cokehead in front of you.

Just letting you know that shit right now.

Yeah!

Yippee!

What was it?

Marvin Izzy.

Yes, sir.

Is it Honduran or Honduran?

Potato, potato.

Okay.

We're in a turbo round right now, Marvin.

We're going to keep it moving.

There you go.

Yum!

He's got a catchphrase, everybody.

It is yum.

A little fun fact.

Jeff Scott was pulled out of the bucket just now.

So Destiny is right on cue.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have...

Are you guys still alive?

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Caesar Leone, everybody.

Caesar Caesar Leone.

This is we are in.

Oh my God.

All right.

Caesar Leone.

Alrighty.

Good evening, Austin.

Where are all my Latinos at?

Ah, see,

you guys see how easy it was to round us all up?

Right?

We can't help but express pride.

And I feel like in this day and age, we kind of need to take lessons from Italians of the past century, you know?

Kind of go incognito until white people forget about us.

Eventually, they'll accept us.

Because if you think about it, an old school Italian is basically just a wet back with a towel.

No?

Alrighty then, moving forward.

But seriously, now that Trump is in office and these ICE raids have started all over the country, we kind of need to be a little bit more vigilant as Latinos, you know?

Whenever we go, scout out the area, be aware, learn to read the room, not just just clean it.

Alright, but alrighty then.

Caesar Leone, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Caesar Leone.

There he goes.

We're in a turbo round.

No interview for you, Caesar.

This is fucking crazy.

This is an absolute mathematical fucking anomaly.

We don't go through this many bad bucket pools in a month.

Not to mention an episode.

This is absolutely crazy.

Ari, what's the report coming in?

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Is there perhaps a band member that has a minute?

Any of the horn players got anything?

You got something?

No, these fucking guys.

Deep Madness is wasted right now.

There's no way.

Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Back to the bucket.

This is the show you wanted to go to.

Trust me.

I wanted to be done an hour ago.

Make some noise for Matt Puchits...

Puchitsty.

Matt Pucitski.

My wife does these charcoal face scrubs.

Ladies, you've probably heard of them.

Apparently they work wonders because she does them every night.

I'll just be chilling, watching Netflix before bed.

She's walking around full black face, not batting an eye.

I'm like, Whoa, babe, I'm trying to watch Django Unchained right now.

You're totally ruining the vibe.

All right, cool, guys.

There's a family of immigrants behind that curtain.

If you don't laugh, I'm gonna have to tickle them very hard to get sound bites.

All right, the worst is when she does these charcoal face scrubs.

Matt, we're just going to keep it moving.

We're in a turbo round.

We need it, Killer.

It's a special part of a special show.

Thank you.

And you,

there we go.

We're going to keep it flying along.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull.

We are almost double the record.

This is Mario Zapata, everybody.

Mario Zapata.

Here we go.

I don't know if you guys can tell, but I used to be Hispanic.

Yeah.

My full name is Mario Alejandro Zapata Diaz.

Yeah.

You know who gives me the most shit about being pale?

Is other Hispanic people.

It was like, why are you so pale?

And I'm like, well, my family flew here.

HBO is remaking Harry Potter.

Fans are concerned because they want to cast a black actor as Snape.

Because in the book, it says ask a ban, not axe a ban.

I think that the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are, you know?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mario, look at this.

You see this shit right here?

Oh my gosh.

Do you believe in miracles?

Look at the energy on this fucking guy.

Holy shit.

A standing ovation.

For what some people would call on a scale from one to ten, about a 7.2.

But here, god damn it, we needed it.

You'll never understand what happened before you on a night like this.

Mario?

I'm just happy to be here, guys.

But yeah!

We needed a hero, and you are it.

How old are you, Mario?

I am about to be 45.

45.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

11 years.

What do you do for work?

I edit porn.

Really?

Yes.

He's even got the best interview of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

He's taking the ball and running with it.

Best set.

Best interview.

Thank you.

What type of porn do you edit?

Giants is porn.

Oh, yeah.

Wait,

what is that?

It's where you're a very small person.

You're looking up at a woman.

Yes.

Yeah.

Imagine Godzilla, but it's a hot chick.

Wow.

How do you get into porn editing?

You have to be unemployable.

Once you fucked everything up, porn opens you with open legs.

Wow, absolutely.

That was a bit.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll answer the question.

It's okay.

I'm nervous.

Sorry.

Yeah, we might not give you the big joke, but guys.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding, Mario.

What else?

What else is crazy about your life that we should know about before I let you go?

I got kicked out of the military for international drug smuggling.

Wow.

What types of drugs did you smuggle?

Ecstasy.

From where?

From where?

Well, I didn't smuggle them, but like I paid for them to be smuggled.

Okay.

And I sold some of them.

Yeah, yeah.

Anticlimactic.

Sorry.

Amazing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have kids?

They take forever to die.

No, no kids.

No kids.

I'm too selfish for kids.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so where do you shoot your load when you pull out?

Anywhere.

Anywhere.

I'm just happy to be shooting loads.

All right.

Okay.

Here you go, buddy.

Congratulations.

You got us out of here.

Thank you so much.

We're done.

Mario Zabata ended it.

Kind of just okay, but good enough.

Another drawing from Ryan G.

Belt is in.

How about a hand for James McCann?

Did the band leave?

This is incredible.

James McCann.

Guys, play some fucking music.

What the hell's going on?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Check out his new special, Hey America.

It's on YouTube at Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

James, tell him.

Thank you for having me.

I can't believe it's over.

We did it.

What a beautiful country.

What a beautiful show.

Alright, Maddie, thank you for joining us on the back end.

Thanks so much!

The drawing from Ryan Shaking Belt is in at James McCann and it's lovely.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight.

Whoa, Heidi with a gun.

Look out.

More detail than ever got to be put into that one.

Thank you to Faya.

Thank you to Blue Chew, Redband.

Check out the movie Dos Boot.

Okay,

and

yeah, I got a lot of tickets up for sale.

I'm on tour.

Going to Anaheim and Salt Lake City and Detroit.

And a bunch of other crazy places coming up.

Doing stand-up, bringing my friends with me.

We're going to have a lot of fun out there.

And thank you to this audience audience who is legendary.

You guys were at the most bucket pulls ever in an episode, I do believe.

Pretty positive of that.

And congratulations to us all.

I love you.

God bless America.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

Today on Hay Culligan, sustainability and better water.

Here, Sam.

Hey, Culligan, I'm really into sustainability.

My clothes, my utensils, my food.

But how do I get more sustainability from my water?

Super question, Sam, and the answer is an always-on drinking water system from Culligan, which helps eliminate the equivalent of 15 billion single-use plastic bottles a year.

Whoa, that's a ton of sustainability.

416,000 tons, Sam, and we're already on the way.

Let us help you out with a free in-home water test with the local Culligan water expert at Culligan.com.

The clock is ticking to get the most of your summer behind the wheel of the upscale all-electric Jeep Wagoneer S and innovative Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid.

And right now, get 0% financing for 72 months on the 2025 Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid.

And the 2025 Jeep Wagoneer S, plus you may qualify for up to a 7,500 federal tax credit.

See your California Jeep brand dealer and California Chrysler dealer today.

Finance offer not compatible with any other offer.

0% APR financing for 72 months equals $13.89 per month per 1,000 financed for well-qualified buyers through Stellantis Financial, regardless of down payment.

Not all customers will qualify.

Contact dealer for details.

The federal tax credit is offered by a third party and is subject to change without notice.

Please confirm this information to ensure its accuracy and availability.

Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.

Income and other restrictions may apply.

Purchases are not eligible if the customer exceeds adjusted gross income limitations: $300,000 for married filing jointly taxpayers, $225,000 for head of household filers, and $150,000 for single filers.

Offers end September 30th.

Chrysler and Jeep are registered trademarks.