#707 - JAMES MCCANN

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Speaker 12 Hey, this is Redmit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 14 Give it up for Tony.

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Speaker 16 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

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Speaker 29 That is indeed Grooveline Horns, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa

Speaker 35 Nachos Belgrande that is big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums

Speaker 42 they came here all the way from the Gulf of America to be here that fucking side of the stage how exciting officially changed on Google just an hour ago everyone I'm here to proudly announce that that bay is now the Gulf of America.

Speaker 17 That's Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and D Madness on the bass guitar.

Speaker 49 How about one more time for the real Marcus King that was just up here, huh? One of the best musicians in the world here in the live music capital of the world, the live comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 51 And we will be right back.

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Speaker 61 Chronic spontaneous urticaria or chronic hives with no known cause.

Speaker 60 It's so unpredictable.

Speaker 63 It's like playing pinball.

Speaker 61 Itchy red bumps start on my arm, then my back,

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Speaker 5 You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Speaker 50 All right.

Speaker 31 Sometimes there's three, sometimes there's two.

Speaker 57 A night like this, it's a one-guest show.

Speaker 10 And the reason why is because this guy is truly one of the frontrunners already for 2025 guest of the year he is one of the funniest human beings on planet earth his brand new debut one hour special is out right now it's called hey america and you can find it on matt and shane's secret podcast youtube ladies and gentlemen make some noise for one of the funniest human beings in the world james mccann everyone

Speaker 17 here he is

Speaker 15 James.

Speaker 15 Right here.

Speaker 48 James McCann, everybody.

Speaker 48 Fresh up of being the guest in an arena on New Year's Eve here at the HEB Center.

Speaker 76 Are we going to address that during the commercial break? That was the most insane and rowdy back and forward.

Speaker 28 Why would we address that?

Speaker 77 Because it was during a commercial break, James.

Speaker 25 You could have said anything just now, and it would have been better than coming.

Speaker 82 It's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because that was a full

Speaker 76 weird situation in the commercial break.

Speaker 25 It's a sold-out show every week, but yes, that's a good lesson.

Speaker 87 Found out you loved antiquing.

Speaker 32 Wow, that's true.

Speaker 88 You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all going to want to talk about it?

Speaker 36 We all love antiquing.

Speaker 35 When you're a millionaire, you're going to be into antiquing too, James.

Speaker 22 It's fun to buy old baller ass shit in the middle of Texas.

Speaker 93 Let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet.

Speaker 26 Tiny

Speaker 95 gay rumors floating around was quick to Kaibosh.

Speaker 96 His love of antiques.

Speaker 81 I'm out.

Speaker 30 I'm out. It's no longer a rumor.
I'm out.

Speaker 76 He would be such a good antiques roadshow host as well.

Speaker 99 It's worth nothing.

Speaker 100 Get him out.

Speaker 12 Antique roadshow with Tony's.

Speaker 32 Antique Roadshow.

Speaker 101 That's it.

Speaker 95 He owns like eight thrones.

Speaker 102 All right, James.

Speaker 42 It's three.

Speaker 103 It's three thrones.

Speaker 96 Hey, America, out now on YouTube.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Comedy special. Yeah.

Speaker 17 So that he can buy a fucking throne.

Speaker 22 You futon in a coffee table having son of a bitch.

Speaker 42 I think I watch

Speaker 22 TV on a fucking MacBook.

Speaker 96 We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted.

Speaker 94 It's a good

Speaker 64 policy.

Speaker 11 James is one of the greatest guests in the show's history.

Speaker 107 He is present. He is fucking hilarious.

Speaker 20 And

Speaker 70 he knows how it works.

Speaker 112 200 people, literally, 200 exactly people signed up for tonight's bucket.

Speaker 53 There are 200 motherfucking pieces of paper in here.

Speaker 45 I'm going to let the shocked Asian girl in the front row pick first.

Speaker 114 That one right there.

Speaker 70 And I take the piece of paper, I pass it along, and they go and wrangle the person.

Speaker 47 Red Band smells the paper because he loves Asian women so much.

Speaker 17 He really does.

Speaker 120 He already has one, but just like typical stuff, he's hungry for more Asians 20, 30 minutes later.

Speaker 3 That's what it's like.

Speaker 122 And so, while they wrangle that comedian, just to let you know, they get 60 seconds.

Speaker 33 You know, the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 123 That means they have to wrap it up. Then else they bring out the angry bust Ollie Woodbear.

Speaker 3 And then that interrupts them.

Speaker 41 I interview them and we talk to them about their life.

Speaker 71 What could possibly happen to them?

Speaker 7 We are here with one of the greatest guests in the show's history, the great and powerful James McCann, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 13 Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight.

Speaker 99 Can you feel it, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 81 Good news.

Speaker 126 Star power tonight.

Speaker 36 Good news is we have a star of the show to start tonight's show and show you motherfuckers how it's done.

Speaker 91 Truly, undeniably, a lot of people say, including myself, that this is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show.

Speaker 3 An almost 100%, 1000% kill ratio.

Speaker 35 Here to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

Speaker 131 What's going on?

Speaker 132 I have

Speaker 132 big hands.

Speaker 132 People say there are piano hands, but I don't know how to play the piano, but

Speaker 133 my

Speaker 132 hand jobs are ridiculous.

Speaker 132 I only play it for a day, you know.

Speaker 132 You should see the double crescendo, you know.

Speaker 124 Okay.

Speaker 132 I had a card

Speaker 132 and at the card store it was in the sympathy section right next to that. Well it said

Speaker 132 sympathy dash Jewish.

Speaker 132 I was like, oh, that's me. So that in a special way, you can tell your friends, I'm sorry, you're Jewish.

Speaker 132 It's a lot, you know?

Speaker 67 So

Speaker 132 I grew up with cats and I... I like that cats use the litter box.

Speaker 111 It's cool.

Speaker 132 It's like, hey, not only do you have to clean up my shit, but you got to find it first.

Speaker 141 So go to the castle.

Speaker 39 Exactly one minute, like the pro that he is.

Speaker 41 This is Martin Phillips.

Speaker 2 How's it going, Martin? It's good.

Speaker 111 Fuck you.

Speaker 55 It's good.

Speaker 143 You did it again.

Speaker 133 Thanks.

Speaker 101 Do you have cats?

Speaker 132 No, I do not have stray cats hang out on my patio,

Speaker 132 but I do not own them.

Speaker 55 They hang out there.

Speaker 143 Why do you think the stray cats like your patio so?

Speaker 97 I don't know.

Speaker 132 In order that they can't take it out there, I bought them a bed. So now they got the cool.
They got a hookup.

Speaker 140 I'm the I'm the plug for the cat.

Speaker 132 I leave out water and I leave out dirty to get out of talking to them.

Speaker 145 But that's not them hanging out there.

Speaker 106 You're luring these cats.

Speaker 125 I know.

Speaker 132 Oh, dude. It's actually

Speaker 132 they hang out there. They never I never see them.
They run away. It's like I actually own a cat in a way.

Speaker 81 You got a special cage for them just in case they want to relax.

Speaker 125 Yeah, you put a bed out there.

Speaker 146 What else have you done?

Speaker 111 You put a little fucking, you put a little can of tuna out there?

Speaker 42 No,

Speaker 132 I don't want them to come dependent on me, so I just think water.

Speaker 101 You know, cats eat people after they die.

Speaker 115 You think that they see you walking in and sense a meal coming soon?

Speaker 132 They gotta find a way in the fucking apartment. So

Speaker 132 good luck, Mr.

Speaker 140 Cat,

Speaker 132 getting inside.

Speaker 149 Now, your opening joke was about your strength.

Speaker 42 Is that correct?

Speaker 2 The strength of your hand?

Speaker 132 It's how big my hand is.

Speaker 124 Oh.

Speaker 150 What do you think?

Speaker 132 I can grip.

Speaker 47 Well, the crazy thing is, is that

Speaker 154 in the green room of the mothership for the past couple weeks, we don't know exactly how it got there, but there is a brand new grip strength.

Speaker 24 You would think it was Joe, but no, I was there when Joe saw it.

Speaker 42 He's like, What the fuck is that?

Speaker 149 Oh, shit.

Speaker 25 And then, yeah, he did play with it like it was his own toy.

Speaker 36 He was very excited, as excited as anyone to ever.

Speaker 111 He's like, Yes!

Speaker 5 To see a grip strength tester machine.

Speaker 155 And

Speaker 113 I don't know.

Speaker 75 What do you think? Should we give it a little test?

Speaker 156 See what kind of fucking shit.

Speaker 38 You can't.

Speaker 157 You can't handle this hard. This hard.

Speaker 132 It's going to break the shit. I love it.

Speaker 129 Retard strength on display.

Speaker 19 Here, with cerebral palsy, ladies and gentlemen, using his good hands.

Speaker 158 This is for science.

Speaker 17 Oh, he's squeezing it.

Speaker 39 Oh, my God. Oh, that looks...

Speaker 101 What does it say?

Speaker 132 57.

Speaker 42 Whoa, that's actually a lock.

Speaker 132 Is it?

Speaker 138 Okay. No, it's not.

Speaker 132 I knew the other one, and I did.

Speaker 28 Yeah, try the other one.

Speaker 47 Give me another drum roll. Big mic on the drums.

Speaker 50 Whoa, whoa.

Speaker 42 Here we go.

Speaker 28 Let's find out what happens here.

Speaker 140 It still says 57.

Speaker 42 Oh, crazy.

Speaker 141 Oh, no, I don't know.

Speaker 38 Here, hit the start button.

Speaker 134 Okay, this is retard string.

Speaker 42 Hit the start.

Speaker 41 Hit the start, but what are you doing? Calculus over there?

Speaker 42 Hit the start button.

Speaker 36 These fucking guy's using it like it's a goddamn calculator.

Speaker 158 Okay, we can start over.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 162 It's like a Jewish guy on tax day over here.

Speaker 103 What do we got?

Speaker 139 I don't think I...

Speaker 138 I don't know what I...

Speaker 163 This fucking guy.

Speaker 69 Unbelievable.

Speaker 132 Okay, wait, I think I got it.

Speaker 138 I swear to God.

Speaker 164 I swear to God.

Speaker 42 Alright, here we go.

Speaker 158 It's going, it's going, it's going, and it's going.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 50 What do we got, Martin?

Speaker 166 You only have to squeeze it once.

Speaker 167 It's 50 plus.

Speaker 131 Wow.

Speaker 34 Unbelievable.

Speaker 33 Grip strength.

Speaker 32 James, you're going to show us what you got over here?

Speaker 76 Okay, but what I'm going to say will sound very racist, but it's not.

Speaker 87 That was nothing. That was 96.
The important thing.

Speaker 150 No, I saw this.

Speaker 90 I saw this.

Speaker 157 No, no.

Speaker 90 It's

Speaker 150 I read this on Twitter.

Speaker 30 This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it.

Speaker 77 That apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength, and black guys, on average, have very low grip strength.

Speaker 78 I read this, and apparently, one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes, it's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose.

Speaker 159 But every black guy in the room,

Speaker 95 I'm telling you, every black guy in the green room is crushing this.

Speaker 98 That's not true at all.

Speaker 27 What do you mean you're black, Martin?

Speaker 132 I'm just saying, I have to sell their grip to a black person.

Speaker 71 And you both do crip walks sometimes.

Speaker 166 Hey, hey, hey, hey, what is this?

Speaker 156 The halftime show?

Speaker 172 Look at this fucking guy.

Speaker 173 This is crazy.

Speaker 132 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 111 Cool, okay.

Speaker 62 Martin, how is life been going for you?

Speaker 7 What else is going on?

Speaker 132 It's going, I've been traveling around a lot and doing shows and whatnot, and

Speaker 132 pretty busy. Always

Speaker 137 going somewhere.

Speaker 9 Yep.

Speaker 33 As you can tell by the sound of his voice, he's also now in charge of the health of the United States of America.

Speaker 132 It's working out.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 132 Guys who sound like this are doing well.

Speaker 174 That's true.

Speaker 47 That is true. That is the voice of a winner.

Speaker 120 Martin, you got tonight's show started.

Speaker 154 You are a fucking legend.

Speaker 68 Everybody loves you.

Speaker 39 He's absolutely killing it.

Speaker 17 The one and only Martin Phillips. And now it begins.

Speaker 16 To the bucket we go.

Speaker 50 We're going to meet someone all together at once.

Speaker 36 And that's the show.

Speaker 19 You know, we find we found Martin out of the bucket.

Speaker 17 We found William out of the bucket.

Speaker 89 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 44 It's a lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 159 Unbelievable.

Speaker 119 Such beauty that James just missed his mouth with his beer.

Speaker 13 That had nothing to do with Heidi.

Speaker 18 Yes, it did.

Speaker 42 You just poured a beer on your own chest, you champazoid.

Speaker 164 Shut up, it didn't happen.

Speaker 29 What a pervert you are.

Speaker 95 My God. I treat all women with dignity and respect.

Speaker 125 Let's move on, please.

Speaker 14 Jesus Christ Almighty, what's name?

Speaker 42 With

Speaker 42 your

Speaker 42 spilling beer because his grip is so weak.

Speaker 166 Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 35 A brand new minute. We're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 13 Make some noise for Kojak Kareems, everybody.

Speaker 158 Kojak

Speaker 42 Kareems.

Speaker 16 Here comes Kojak.

Speaker 16 Yeah, go birds. We got him, baby.

Speaker 162 We got him with the tush push.

Speaker 134 It's my favorite move.

Speaker 42 What's up? Hey, what's good?

Speaker 175 I'm black and I'm gay. I know what you're thinking, man.

Speaker 176 Pick a struggle already, bro.

Speaker 110 Black or gay?

Speaker 177 Come on, you're hogging up all the oppression for everybody.

Speaker 178 But imagine being me, right?

Speaker 175 Half the country's racist, half the country's homophobic.

Speaker 97 And here I am, right in the middle, taking it from both sides.

Speaker 180 And I'm taking it good, too.

Speaker 175 I'm like the gezer strip.

Speaker 175 My asshole is being bombarded so much, you think it was a hospital.

Speaker 132 And all because I like Yemen.

Speaker 136 Yemen, Yemen,

Speaker 134 Yemen, hey.

Speaker 175 You think that was controversial?

Speaker 97 My Haitian friend is calling for an all-out geese fire.

Speaker 52 Geese fire. Okay.

Speaker 175 All right. Thank you.

Speaker 136 That's my time.

Speaker 81 Wow, Kojak, Kareems, everyone.

Speaker 50 Welcome.

Speaker 127 Black, gay, and bad at comedy I have down here.

Speaker 14 It's incredible.

Speaker 7 You got everything against you.

Speaker 23 Kojak, you were very excited to promote the birds, the Philadelphia Eagles.

Speaker 101 Are you from Philadelphia?

Speaker 182 Go Birds. That's right.

Speaker 168 Go Birds, Philly.

Speaker 39 Go get we hear you.

Speaker 156 Are you from Philadelphia?

Speaker 80 I am. Wow.

Speaker 69 So you have a lot in common with

Speaker 168 the Celtics. I thought that was.

Speaker 87 Steelers Nation, baby.

Speaker 139 There are no gay people in Pittsburgh.

Speaker 81 Or black people, actually.

Speaker 105 Come to think of it. It's not a big.

Speaker 78 But that was big for you, the Super Bowl?

Speaker 55 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 139 Great.

Speaker 181 Okay.

Speaker 181 All right.

Speaker 76 Finally, do the questions.

Speaker 90 All right, there you go.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 149 So, what's it like being from Philly and

Speaker 115 basically being Meek Mill without the rap skills?

Speaker 33 It just means you're black and gay again.

Speaker 74 I'm just reminding everybody that you're black and gay.

Speaker 43 You brought it up.

Speaker 110 Here we go.

Speaker 151 Do you get any good antiquing lately?

Speaker 183 No, I might fly back to Philly for the parade, though.

Speaker 184 You're going to go back for the parade.

Speaker 177 Yeah, maybe post up in the Target.

Speaker 144 Do you go? I'd imagine you fly around.

Speaker 29 Oh, you go ahead.

Speaker 157 Go ahead.

Speaker 3 Must have something up your sleeve.

Speaker 53 One big punchline coming up. What is it?

Speaker 151 Go ahead.

Speaker 146 Do you fly a lot to different parades?

Speaker 185 See, it's fun when the comedy stuff.

Speaker 104 Anyway, what do you do for work, Kojak?

Speaker 177 I'm a waiter.

Speaker 69 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 155 Where are you waiting at?

Speaker 175 A fancy steakhouse here in the city.

Speaker 139 Okay, very good.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 46 How long have you been doing that?

Speaker 128 Three years.

Speaker 145 Okay. Must be a big steak.

Speaker 138 Tomahawk.

Speaker 132 What do you mean?

Speaker 76 She's been cooking that steak up for three years. Must be huge.

Speaker 76 What it wasn't worse than geese fire?

Speaker 42 It wasn't worse than geese fire.

Speaker 164 You are correct.

Speaker 173 You are correct.

Speaker 72 Kojak, you live here in Austin?

Speaker 42 I do.

Speaker 43 Right.

Speaker 3 And what else are you into, Kojak?

Speaker 70 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 175 I play Street Fighter VI with my boyfriend all day.

Speaker 177 Okay.

Speaker 186 Street Fighter.

Speaker 51 You have a boyfriend.

Speaker 42 Damn right. Three years.
You know what's interesting?

Speaker 81 He's Puerto Rican.

Speaker 32 We have a lot of gay guys that get pulled out of this bucket, but very rarely do we have gay guys that are in a relationship.

Speaker 71 Most of you guys just stay single and butt-fuck everything that moves.

Speaker 66 It's so interesting.

Speaker 151 How long have you been with your boyfriend?

Speaker 51 Five years.

Speaker 115 Five years.

Speaker 146 What do you think the secret is to your wild success of having a long-term gay relationship?

Speaker 183 We play video games together.

Speaker 124 Oh, wow.

Speaker 113 Yeah, you guys put the gay in games.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 74 So you guys just play video games and fuck.

Speaker 42 That's right.

Speaker 101 Sounds awesome, actually.

Speaker 47 Yeah, it's amazing.

Speaker 20 It's amazing.

Speaker 66 Red Band is figuring out his new lifestyle.

Speaker 168 Get a discount at the steak place also.

Speaker 178 I mean, this is the life.

Speaker 87 Come check me out. I'll take care of you.

Speaker 38 Hell yeah.

Speaker 166 He just, he exclusively eats.

Speaker 190 At the restaurant. At the restaurant.

Speaker 175 Come to the restaurant. I'll take care of you.

Speaker 110 Okay.

Speaker 42 All right, James.

Speaker 98 It's business and and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things.

Speaker 79 Goodness me.

Speaker 175 You suck one dick on accident and they call you gay.

Speaker 7 Tell me about it.

Speaker 191 You did seem over-eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work.

Speaker 173 Well, it is exciting.

Speaker 138 Like I said, there's never a gay relationship.

Speaker 99 Lesbians manage to do it every single time.

Speaker 69 Exactly, man.

Speaker 74 Lesbians are straight into a relationship.

Speaker 53 Gay guys, very, very rarely.

Speaker 130 Where would you meet them at?

Speaker 177 Back home in in Philly.

Speaker 80 We're both from Philly.

Speaker 124 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 193 But where in Philly?

Speaker 24 Like, what were you guys doing?

Speaker 175 Let's see here.

Speaker 30 Off a website or something?

Speaker 160 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 175 Instagram. You saw me on Instagram and hit me up.

Speaker 124 Okay.

Speaker 188 And then what happened?

Speaker 53 You're like, hey, come to my place.

Speaker 177 I said, hey, come on over.

Speaker 183 I paid $50 to Uberham.

Speaker 139 Wow, you remember that.

Speaker 131 You remember that part.

Speaker 175 Yeah, I only had $100 to my name.

Speaker 170 Wow.

Speaker 55 You're willing to spend half of your total

Speaker 195 net worth in order to have your

Speaker 42 ass filled with a dick. Correct.

Speaker 161 That is just unbelievable.

Speaker 69 I got to tell you, as much as we joke about me being gay, I simply cannot relate to that type of mentality.

Speaker 57 Half of your entire money. Just to fucking, it seems painful.

Speaker 82 Get the Hallmark channel on the phone because I think that is a love story that they're ready to

Speaker 79 immortalize.

Speaker 121 Incredible.

Speaker 151 Half of your money.

Speaker 7 How did he get home?

Speaker 177 I spent the other half to get him home.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 196 Oh, my God.

Speaker 158 Five years we've been together. That's love, baby.

Speaker 49 Oh, my God.

Speaker 168 That's love. That's real love.

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 168 And he doesn't drive.

Speaker 176 I drive him to work back and forth every day.

Speaker 47 Oh, so you're the bottom.

Speaker 183 He's younger.

Speaker 139 He's Puerto Rican.

Speaker 42 Okay, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 175 Just you made the joke. He takes out the trash every night.

Speaker 103 I bet he does.

Speaker 147 Every night.

Speaker 87 So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of.

Speaker 77 I'm just, if you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you.

Speaker 53 What is your ethnicity, Kojak Kareems?

Speaker 175 Ancestry says that I am 70% black and 30% Scottish.

Speaker 124 Whoa.

Speaker 110 Wow. Look at that.

Speaker 158 Those are the numbers.

Speaker 41 What do you think?

Speaker 10 Our senior Scottish correspondent, James McCann, is here.

Speaker 145 No, it's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly.

Speaker 87 It just seems like a weird combination to happen through the generation.

Speaker 98 Am I wrong?

Speaker 38 No.

Speaker 95 50-50, you'd go, I understand that.

Speaker 77 75-25, even then, it kind of checks out.

Speaker 82 70-30 is you got to have, it's got to happen like four times in different ways, back and forward, black and Scottish.

Speaker 57 He's mostly black.

Speaker 173 He's like Travis Scottish.

Speaker 42 All right, well,

Speaker 153 Kojak, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

Speaker 183 Let's see here.

Speaker 168 I got kicked out of Bible college.

Speaker 111 Why?

Speaker 138 How does that happen every week?

Speaker 95 No, I can guess. I'm guessing.

Speaker 34 Yeah, no, we know why you got kicked out of Bible college.

Speaker 74 So, how exactly did they catch you?

Speaker 197 You drag your teeth?

Speaker 169 All right.

Speaker 44 There's red band, everybody.

Speaker 138 All right, all right, all right.

Speaker 74 How did they catch you?

Speaker 175 I was the only black kid in all of a nine.

Speaker 140 Guilty. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 118 Unbelievable. Get him out of here.

Speaker 17 There he goes, everybody.

Speaker 50 Kojak Karins, everyone.

Speaker 34 Yeah, here you go, buddy.

Speaker 19 Let's see if you catch like a...

Speaker 50 There it is. He's a black guy.

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Speaker 46 All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Jenna Sparrow, everybody, or Jenna Sparrow, perhaps.

Speaker 89 Here's Jenna, everyone.

Speaker 138 Thanks so much for Jenna, everybody.

Speaker 124 Hi, everyone.

Speaker 65 Did everyone watch the Super Bowl?

Speaker 124 Yeah?

Speaker 65 It's like the Christmas of sports, right?

Speaker 65 I think it is.

Speaker 65 Actually, we don't celebrate football at my house.

Speaker 65 Here's a joke that I wrote about my experience dating an NFL player.

Speaker 65 How can you tell the difference in between a girl that just fucks an NFL player versus a girl that actually dates an NFL player?

Speaker 65 It's where her bruises are located.

Speaker 42 Like fun places or like, yeah,

Speaker 65 that's how you know he loves you, right?

Speaker 65 Every time I hear a guy say that dating is hard, I'm like, trust me, it could be harder. Try wearing a turtleneck in July.

Speaker 65 That's very very difficult.

Speaker 159 Okay.

Speaker 65 No, I have this thing about me: like, if I love you, I'll put up with anything. It's called a Nicole Brown Simpson attachment style.

Speaker 42 Attachment style. That's the clinical term, I think.

Speaker 65 Thank you. Thank you, guys.
Jenna

Speaker 201 Sparrow. Hi, Jenna.

Speaker 157 Tony.

Speaker 48 How's it going?

Speaker 42 How are you?

Speaker 65 Good. How are you?

Speaker 67 I'm fantastic. Hi, guys.

Speaker 124 Hello. Hi.

Speaker 122 Welcome, welcome, James.

Speaker 106 You do an art podcast.

Speaker 65 Yeah, I do. I do an art podcast.
An art history comedy podcast, yeah, called The Bad Art Show.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 142 How do you know that, James?

Speaker 87 She said she would have me on, and then she never got in contact ever again.

Speaker 148 Whoa!

Speaker 141 I'm working on it.

Speaker 52 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 84 You're excited to do this.

Speaker 27 I think I have interesting things to say about the post-war period.

Speaker 47 Yeah, tell us. What's interesting?

Speaker 161 Tell us.

Speaker 81 Western civilization falls apart.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Man's inhumanity to man.

Speaker 124 No?

Speaker 82 Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that.

Speaker 30 No, you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 95 You go to a museum, you go to the art museum, and like you walk in and it's all great.

Speaker 88 It's all like Greek stuff.

Speaker 30 Wow.

Speaker 99 Medieval paintings of little naked children.

Speaker 98 That's really good. And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing.

Speaker 65 I think we know exactly what topic we're going to cover with you.

Speaker 65 Yeah, you like like anything post-war? I've got a whole plan.

Speaker 96 I hate it. I'm saying it's bad.

Speaker 65 No, we're going to have you on to talk about how much.

Speaker 23 I cannot wait to listen to this podcast.

Speaker 84 I'm going to get one of the deepest sleeps that I've had in such a long time.

Speaker 169 I'm so excited to hear you guys talk about art on walls.

Speaker 14 Derp!

Speaker 30 Did you know that the bean was built in Chicago in 1974?

Speaker 138 Derpity Derp.

Speaker 76 All right. If that art is a couch, though, Tony, we'll talk about it.

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 73 Nothing better than listening to people talk about art

Speaker 75 it's a comedy oh okay well it's a shame your set wasn't

Speaker 120 if it's as funny as your 60 seconds oh boy rem sleep is amongst us jenna how long you've been doing stand-up uh almost four years almost four years where at la i started in la okay Okay, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 200 Art podcast. Art comedy podcast.
Wow.

Speaker 143 That's what I do. You make a living doing that?

Speaker 65 I make decent money doing it. Yeah.

Speaker 52 Wow. God, that is amazing.

Speaker 139 Anybody can do anything nowadays.

Speaker 90 It is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 80 I love it.

Speaker 54 What do you do for fun, Jenna?

Speaker 65 Well, I'm sober now, so

Speaker 65 not that much.

Speaker 65 What did you do? I come here and put myself in front of you for fun.

Speaker 143 What did you do

Speaker 33 to where you needed to get sobriety?

Speaker 53 How did you know that you had hit bottom?

Speaker 101 Ooh, slow burn.

Speaker 65 I think being an alcoholic at 15 was probably the first sign.

Speaker 148 Holy shit.

Speaker 42 How long?

Speaker 5 What made you start at 15?

Speaker 200 I'm from Florida.

Speaker 65 Maybe I should have done that material.

Speaker 42 You guys would have connected more with it.

Speaker 70 Do you remember what your first drink was?

Speaker 124 Ooh.

Speaker 53 Mine was a Lynchburg lemonade made by Jack Daniels.

Speaker 184 It was pre-bottled alcohol.

Speaker 53 And my older brothers let me have one when we were frisbee golfing in Columbus, Ohio. I think think I was 13 or 14, maybe 12.

Speaker 184 And yeah, I liked the way that it made me feel.

Speaker 159 Yeah.

Speaker 95 We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink.

Speaker 42 It was great.

Speaker 95 It was a vodka cruiser.

Speaker 96 Do you have those here?

Speaker 170 No, what is that?

Speaker 78 It's like vodka and pink lemonade.

Speaker 27 It's a very girly drink.

Speaker 148 Ooh. Yeah.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 81 Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 146 Girly drinks are how the party starts.

Speaker 206 Red Band, what was yours?

Speaker 90 A bowl of mashed potatoes?

Speaker 47 Old Milwaukee.

Speaker 138 Old Milwaukee.

Speaker 131 Wow.

Speaker 164 In chili.

Speaker 64 Oh, my God.

Speaker 65 I think I was vodka with like orange juice chaser, I think, was what it was.

Speaker 42 Breakfast to champions.

Speaker 94 We'll done on sobriety.

Speaker 139 Thanks. You're welcome.

Speaker 183 I would never do it.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 95 But I think it's good.

Speaker 55 Yeah. You know.

Speaker 54 How about towards the end?

Speaker 53 Do you get into anything crazy? Do you do drugs or anything?

Speaker 200 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 65 Well, again, I'm from Florida. So there's a lot of cocaine in Florida.

Speaker 65 Lots of it.

Speaker 65 I got a couple of DUIs over the years.

Speaker 65 There was some stuff that was not ideal. He loves it.

Speaker 34 D-Madness loves a good DUI.

Speaker 44 They pull him over every time he tries to drive.

Speaker 10 100%,

Speaker 187 you're swerving all over.

Speaker 189 Do you have any old photos that you're trying to get taken down from the internet or anything like that?

Speaker 65 No, I scrubbed it.

Speaker 29 I scrubbed it.

Speaker 111 What? Brian.

Speaker 65 Brian, why are you asking that question?

Speaker 187 Disgusting. He was just a bad person.

Speaker 3 Jenna, tell us more about your life.

Speaker 53 What else would we find interesting about you?

Speaker 65 Well, you hate art, so I'm not sure you're going to find anything about that interesting.

Speaker 55 Well, okay.

Speaker 108 What else other than the art podcast?

Speaker 65 What do I do other than the art podcast? I work out a lot.

Speaker 65 I like pit bulls.

Speaker 139 I'm an adult person.

Speaker 176 Yeah.

Speaker 203 What do you like about pit bulls?

Speaker 65 They're like a, you know, I like pit bulls because they're like, I like men, just like a violent liability.

Speaker 111 Yeah, does that

Speaker 65 make sense? I like a dog that's like dangerous, it's great.

Speaker 53 Yeah, well, you picked the right one, James McMahon.

Speaker 27 What is the overlap in the fine art world between

Speaker 168 that and I think of that as a golden retriever provision?

Speaker 95 I think of pit bulls as more of like Cadillacs bouncing up and down.

Speaker 131 Yeah,

Speaker 79 no, is that not right?

Speaker 65 Yeah, sure, but they're a good dog, you know?

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 125 No, I think they kill children every year.

Speaker 65 Are they legal in Australia?

Speaker 42 No, they killed so many children.

Speaker 95 I think they're big parts of the world.

Speaker 105 You can't get that dog.

Speaker 78 But you like that it's dangerous.

Speaker 145 You have a weird sex thing for the dog.

Speaker 207 No, no, I have a girl.

Speaker 42 I have a girl dog, to be clear.

Speaker 73 I have a girl dog.

Speaker 65 You can meet her. She's very nice.

Speaker 207 It's a pit bull. Yeah.

Speaker 116 Okay.

Speaker 75 And can it be around other dogs?

Speaker 200 Not really. No.
Right.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Great.

Speaker 23 What a great animal to have.

Speaker 84 Something you can take outside and scare everybody to death with.

Speaker 65 I do have a cat, and it's very good with the cat, so there's that.

Speaker 41 Has your cat been crawling up on Martin Phillips' porch at all?

Speaker 84 Do we know about this?

Speaker 45 Do you have a tracker on it?

Speaker 151 Your cat might be sleeping at a tremendously weak gripped man's porch.

Speaker 45 Anyway.

Speaker 200 Yeah,

Speaker 124 I don't know. I love it.

Speaker 33 Well, Jenna, congratulations. You made your Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 33 I'm going to throw you a little joke book.

Speaker 50 Oh,

Speaker 122 it was so close.

Speaker 135 I don't know where it went. So close, right in the middle.

Speaker 65 I think you were aiming for my tits.

Speaker 45 I mean,

Speaker 115 I mean, it's a small target, but yes.

Speaker 33 There she goes.

Speaker 40 Jenna Sparrow, everybody.

Speaker 47 Making her Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 209 Alright, back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 156 You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 39 Anything can happen.

Speaker 25 Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Poe.

Speaker 69 Mike Poe.

Speaker 48 Here he is, is, Mike Poe, everybody.

Speaker 140 Make some noise for Mike, everyone.

Speaker 133 So in addition to struggling to be a stand-up comic, I'm also a Hack Party DJ.

Speaker 133 But that's a lot easier than doing this because being a DJ, all I'm really concerned about is touching buttons and looking concerned, holding my ear and pointing

Speaker 42 somebody.

Speaker 133 in the audience you would hope were connecting with you.

Speaker 133 That's a lot more difficult to do as a stand-up comic, obviously.

Speaker 133 So in addition to being a DJ, I also volunteer for the unsheltered.

Speaker 133 And that's where I get most of the funny stories that I talk about, like the guy who stole my entire bag from me, who I had to track down on the street, and explained to me that, unfortunately,

Speaker 133 he's on drugs, but Jesus loves him. But 90% of him is on drugs, and only 10% of him is

Speaker 133 actually taken care of of by Jesus.

Speaker 133 I really, really thought that I was going to come out here and have a little bit better of a story to tell you about these guys.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 176 I apologize for that.

Speaker 179 I

Speaker 133 really should have been on point here.

Speaker 29 Okay.

Speaker 29 Wow.

Speaker 163 Holy shit.

Speaker 37 Oh my God.

Speaker 7 You made Jenna Sparrow look like a fucking Richard Pryor up here.

Speaker 69 Good Lord Almighty.

Speaker 36 Just talked about nothing, but you looked hip.

Speaker 210 You're like an old guy that seems hip.

Speaker 42 Thanks, man. No comedy.

Speaker 86 You're basically Mark Maron.

Speaker 69 It's incredible.

Speaker 69 And

Speaker 173 you just kind of dress like you're younger.

Speaker 103 You look kind of cool.

Speaker 45 And then the words coming out of your mouth are just boring and nothing and complainy.

Speaker 211 And I do this, I do this for a hobby.

Speaker 87 But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set?

Speaker 95 Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive.

Speaker 38 I wish, wish brother okay i didn't do anything impressive there was something that happened hey you look after the unhoused which is not a word i would usually use but wait what are you talking about he said he looked after the unhoused uh-huh what do you mean by that he means bums he means street bums where i come from i volunteered to to help the unsheltered where do you come from little rock arkansas little rock arkansas okay and you still live there

Speaker 212 Absolutely.

Speaker 133 Well, I'm working on moving here part-time.

Speaker 42 Why do you want to move here?

Speaker 133 Because I'd like to be better at this.

Speaker 124 Okay.

Speaker 53 We don't know if we can help you.

Speaker 32 It's a tough situation.

Speaker 84 Not everyone has the open.

Speaker 41 We lock the gate sometimes here.

Speaker 112 For sure.

Speaker 41 How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 133 I've done a couple dozen open mics in the past couple of years, and I did a couple dozen about a decade ago.

Speaker 53 Wow. You look like you'd be funny.
You have the glasses.

Speaker 7 You have a red beard.

Speaker 155 You're like James McCant.

Speaker 34 See what I did there?

Speaker 105 That was all right.

Speaker 138 James McCant.

Speaker 145 I believe in you, but step off the look.

Speaker 88 Step off the look. Don't you bite my style, friend?

Speaker 42 How old are you?

Speaker 43 52. 52.
Wow.

Speaker 207 52.

Speaker 99 You are a great 52.

Speaker 170 Thanks, man.

Speaker 67 No, it's not.

Speaker 88 I thought you were a great 40.

Speaker 42 You're not a great 52.

Speaker 42 You're being tricked by a jacket right now, James.

Speaker 187 The jacket is throwing you off.

Speaker 213 I do love the jacket.

Speaker 6 Mike, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 133 I'm a DJ, for real.

Speaker 6 A real DJ in Little Rock?

Speaker 179 An event DJ.

Speaker 53 An event DJ in Little Rock.

Speaker 184 And you do that for a living?

Speaker 133 Yeah, for 14 years now, nothing but.

Speaker 148 Wow.

Speaker 133 And MC, I think, sponsors more than tell jokes. I'm just like a host.

Speaker 60 Okay.

Speaker 53 What types of things are you hosting exactly?

Speaker 133 Lots of festivals. Like in Arkansas, we have like a cornbread festival or you have like a beer.

Speaker 119 Can you give us an example of how you would host a cornbread festival?

Speaker 101 Like some things that you said.

Speaker 74 Look out there and pretend like you're hosting the cornbread festival.

Speaker 42 Go right ahead. Okay.

Speaker 213 Hey, everybody.

Speaker 133 Y'all, welcome to the 14th annual Cornbread Festival. I'd like to thank everybody for coming out here tonight.

Speaker 133 So there's a lot of people in the crowd I can tell are super excited about cornbread and I'm one of them because I absolutely adore cornbread.

Speaker 133 Whether it's with beans or if it's with peas or if it's just by itself, I absolutely adore cornbread. I do not like corn, however.
I'm not fond of corn whatsoever.

Speaker 42 But bread.

Speaker 133 Bread's where you got me. So cornbread is absolutely one of the most phenomenal things that you could be be eating with your mouth right now.

Speaker 35 I think we found your calling, Mike.

Speaker 41 You are built for cornbread festivals.

Speaker 133 Thanks. They didn't give me the gig this year, though.

Speaker 103 Really?

Speaker 42 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 133 First time in 35 years, somebody didn't honor their confirmation.

Speaker 145 You stick with it. You keep working on that event, hosting, and DJing.

Speaker 88 And I believe that one day soon, you could be at a,

Speaker 78 you know, second-tier basketball game shooting at a

Speaker 13 t-shirt from a cannon.

Speaker 42 I believe in you.

Speaker 133 Thanks, man. I would love that.

Speaker 88 Not for the comedy, but for the announcements at events.

Speaker 160 You smooth?

Speaker 88 You could host FM Breakfast Radio.

Speaker 125 You did do that?

Speaker 80 I did that, yeah.

Speaker 13 I'm trying to be uplifting here.

Speaker 138 You gotta help me out.

Speaker 81 You are, absolutely, dude.

Speaker 55 Nothing bothers me more than old people trying to be hip.

Speaker 62 You're 52.

Speaker 93 What else, like, are you into?

Speaker 6 Are you

Speaker 151 a vinyl record player, right?

Speaker 2 Of course?

Speaker 133 Yeah, I've been playing records since 1989.

Speaker 111 Yep, exactly.

Speaker 43 What else is hip about you?

Speaker 54 You have like a fucking unicycle or something like that?

Speaker 192 What's your weird form of transportation?

Speaker 22 I can tell you have one, like an electric scooter or something?

Speaker 133 So I have a news van that I'm selling when I get home because I need to pay for my police van to get repaired.

Speaker 122 Pedophile.

Speaker 199 Pedophile.

Speaker 25 I'm trading a van for a van because I'm another van.

Speaker 46 They're catching onto my van.

Speaker 22 I figure if I get a police van, no one will know.

Speaker 133 wow that is master lever level pedophilia holy shit you called it right I did have a weird vehicle yeah are you in love right now do you have a you in a

Speaker 53 relationship or anything no sir you've been single for a while yeah nine years you ever been married no have you what's the longest relationship you've ever been in four years Four years?

Speaker 53 Longest ever.

Speaker 143 52. Why do you think that is?

Speaker 133 Man, just a lot of curveballs in life.

Speaker 52 It happens.

Speaker 53 What kind of curveballs?

Speaker 71 Can you explain some of the curveballs that you've had in your life?

Speaker 124 All right.

Speaker 134 Just curious.

Speaker 97 You're in the...

Speaker 111 I'm a federal witness.

Speaker 148 Okay.

Speaker 96 What does that mean?

Speaker 174 Yeah.

Speaker 96 Are you on witness protection?

Speaker 133 I'm not protected.

Speaker 30 Okay. At all.
Why are you on protection?

Speaker 38 I'm not in hiding either.

Speaker 133 I wouldn't tell you my name.

Speaker 125 Okay, that's all good.

Speaker 163 Can you just tell us the ballpark of what you're a federal witness about?

Speaker 7 This seems like a very compelling part of this interview.

Speaker 215 And I appreciate your open honesty.

Speaker 133 Sure.

Speaker 133 People are

Speaker 133 listening.

Speaker 113 I'm a survivor or a

Speaker 133 federal witness to homicide. My adult adopted autistic brother was murdered a decade ago.

Speaker 81 Adult Autistic.

Speaker 133 Adult adopted. Like we adopted him as an adult because he didn't have a family.
Adopted. And he was on the street.

Speaker 211 Adult Autistic.

Speaker 113 And he was on the street.

Speaker 216 He would he would love this.

Speaker 23 He would absolutely love this.

Speaker 24 He would love it.

Speaker 101 Most of our fan base is adopted

Speaker 37 autistic people.

Speaker 50 Adopted it.

Speaker 30 Wow.

Speaker 57 How old was he when you guys adopted him?

Speaker 133 So

Speaker 79 he was probably

Speaker 204 30 years old or so.

Speaker 53 30 years old.

Speaker 67 And your parents were like, come on in.

Speaker 133 Yep. Well,

Speaker 133 my mom and my sisters, yeah, you called them his mom. his sister.

Speaker 187 Where did they find this guy at?

Speaker 133 Uh he worked with me at the bar I managed, and uh one night he didn't show up and I found out he was in jail and I bailed him out and found him a place to live and got him on discipline.

Speaker 122 What was it in jail for at the time?

Speaker 133 Uh he in in Arkansas we don't have any renters' rights. He was evicted and he he didn't check his mail so he got arrested for being evicted.

Speaker 217 Right.

Speaker 133 Like forcibly removed.

Speaker 2 So then he got murdered?

Speaker 133 Yeah, he was murdered in 2014, December 7th, 2014 okay tell us about that what happened there

Speaker 115 there was a

Speaker 133 the only suspect we'll say is a crack pusher

Speaker 133 and this suspect's name is Andre Demetrius Smalley Jr.

Speaker 17 you didn't have to you didn't have to say that part

Speaker 156 you didn't have to call them out by name what's happening right in these shows you can't buy me

Speaker 133 but this killer yeah in my opinion,

Speaker 133 he was pushing crack on him at gunpoint, and

Speaker 96 he wouldn't stop.

Speaker 133 He wouldn't leave him alone, and he just kept breaking in the door, stealing his phone and his keys and extorting us until he finally got a warrant.

Speaker 133 He got arrested, and then he bailed out and murdered him, so there would be no case.

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 53 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 129 And did he not get in trouble for that?

Speaker 55 Well...

Speaker 133 Not for a while, but then I became a federal witness after he shot two more people because they wouldn't go to court.

Speaker 133 So I called every agency possible and I landed on the ATF and this lady said if I signed an affidavit and I promised to go to court that because I was involved in a previous crime of his in a federal court

Speaker 133 I can get some justice by compelling the judge to hear my story about this person before he sentences him.

Speaker 145 This is a great anecdote, but you might be on the wrong podcast.

Speaker 89 I mean there are

Speaker 88 quite a lot of true crime podcasts out there where this would be A plus level.

Speaker 125 Oh, this content. Perfect.

Speaker 109 I love it on this podcast.

Speaker 133 I don't know how you get a laugh out of the crack pusher who I was just really hoping that the minute that I did before this was better.

Speaker 198 It wasn't.

Speaker 38 No,

Speaker 47 this is amazing.

Speaker 133 I had no idea I was getting cold.

Speaker 174 The minute

Speaker 174 it's okay.

Speaker 139 That's what happens.

Speaker 5 But this is how it happens. This is part of the magic of the show is the interview sometimes is better than the minute.

Speaker 33 If it was just about people's minutes, then I wouldn't even do this part of the show.

Speaker 143 This is the fun part is watching people go through the quick dilemma: Am I going to answer this?

Speaker 41 How far am I going to go?

Speaker 121 For a second, you're a federal witness.

Speaker 7 We don't know anything.

Speaker 37 The next, you're going Andre Demetrius Johnson III, located at 452 fucking Jenkins Street.

Speaker 161 He really exploded there.

Speaker 72 Here he is, and here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 118 The guy that

Speaker 48 this is the man that murdered his brother, everybody.

Speaker 209 This is Demetrius Andres

Speaker 117 Gallagher III, everybody,

Speaker 84 aka D-Madness.

Speaker 23 He's out on bail.

Speaker 131 There you go.

Speaker 36 So this guy's in prison now for life?

Speaker 133 No, we just got him nine years for that. So he was just recently released, and I went to San Francisco, and then I came here.

Speaker 139 Okay, hold on.

Speaker 131 Hold on.

Speaker 74 You're telling, when did he get out of prison?

Speaker 133 Last month. No, December 21st.

Speaker 29 Okay.

Speaker 68 And this guy knows for a fact that you're the one that put him in prison, right?

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 133 He was in shackles with his wrists and ankles screaming my name as the bailiffs pulled him out of the courtroom.

Speaker 50 Oh, wow.

Speaker 37 My God.

Speaker 32 And he just got out in December.

Speaker 160 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 68 Do you know where he is? Do you know where he resides?

Speaker 139 He lived in Little Rock before, right?

Speaker 133 His parole probation officer called me and said, I can't really have that information, but I kind of know a little bit.

Speaker 205 You might have a little bit of an idea.

Speaker 155 And is it around where you kind of live?

Speaker 133 I mean,

Speaker 133 it's probably better for me to not look for him too much.

Speaker 41 Well, I'm not saying you should look for him.

Speaker 80 I'm wondering if he's looking for you, yes.

Speaker 133 I mean, if I'm being real honest, I think the guy's probably been in prison for nine years. He's a six-time felon.

Speaker 133 He's going to create chaos wherever he goes. I don't think he's looking for me.

Speaker 133 specifically like the streets looking for me.

Speaker 206 This is very optimistic.

Speaker 133 But you see that I'm not in my city right as well like i don't want to run into him at a kroger or at a stoplight or uh you know uh the n a meeting or where you know wherever you know you go to n a meetings no i was just making some shit up but okay but uh i don't want to run into him anywhere right honestly right you know like that's that's not somebody i want to see so i just decided to move

Speaker 23 You decided to move from Little Rock.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 212 Right.

Speaker 133 And.

Speaker 128 Okay.

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 3 It's all so interesting.

Speaker 109 But you just called him out on a podcast that is aired out everywhere.

Speaker 42 You sure did.

Speaker 38 I called him out in court, too.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 126 There you go. Well, we've got to get him on the show for a right of reply.

Speaker 174 And here he is.

Speaker 17 Mike, here's a little joke, bud.

Speaker 133 Just don't tell my mom.

Speaker 46 Okay. She might find out.

Speaker 53 It's all good.

Speaker 82 You're good.

Speaker 77 This is a very popular show. Do you know this is a very popular show?

Speaker 133 There's no way he's watching.

Speaker 115 Well, but he might get told.

Speaker 103 He might get told. love that.

Speaker 116 You would love that.

Speaker 124 Absolutely.

Speaker 76 Well, we all have to make our decisions and stand by them. We do.

Speaker 81 And it was a pleasure having met you.

Speaker 158 Thanks, man.

Speaker 34 There he goes. Mike Poe, everybody.
On to the next one.

Speaker 47 There goes Mike.

Speaker 40 It's unbelievable the people's stories that we get out of this show, out of this bucket.

Speaker 40 There he goes, everybody.

Speaker 40 There he goes.

Speaker 35 Anything can happen.

Speaker 17 That guy could be right in the alleyway right now.

Speaker 47 I mean, geez, Louise.

Speaker 84 Mike Poe just got shot, everybody.

Speaker 85 He's dead now.

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Speaker 25 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner on the show.

Speaker 6 She's only been on it a couple times here with the brand new minute.

Speaker 57 Make some noise for Aya, everybody.

Speaker 17 Aya is is here.

Speaker 65 My mom's Muslim, but she likes, she still likes to have a good time with me. So sometimes we'll go out for mock tails and she'll always order for us.
She'll be like, hey, waiter,

Speaker 65 two virgin mojitos, please.

Speaker 65 And I always have to secretly find him and be like, hey, dude,

Speaker 65 leave the cum in my drink.

Speaker 65 Please.

Speaker 219 Please.

Speaker 65 And she hates that.

Speaker 65 She thinks I'm a slut. She thinks I'm a slut because

Speaker 65 I don't carry pepper spray.

Speaker 65 She thinks I'm making it too easy or something.

Speaker 65 But I have a cousin. She's intersex.

Speaker 65 She was born with a penis inside her vagina.

Speaker 65 Now that's a fucking slut.

Speaker 33 Absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 45 Aya has done it again.

Speaker 33 One of the funniest jokes of the night so far.

Speaker 187 Making fun of your own dear sister.

Speaker 65 No, cousin.

Speaker 42 Oh, cousin.

Speaker 65 Yeah, but she is like a sister to me, you're right.

Speaker 212 There you go.

Speaker 122 Or a brother, depending on.

Speaker 33 Yeah,

Speaker 65 she can do it all.

Speaker 181 Yeah.

Speaker 85 So that really happened?

Speaker 93 Oh, no, I made that up.

Speaker 80 Perfect. Great premise.

Speaker 23 I love it.

Speaker 65 Yeah, but my cousin, she told me she was born with her vagina, like, locked.

Speaker 124 Ah.

Speaker 65 So.

Speaker 131 Wow.

Speaker 37 Are there any safe crackers out there?

Speaker 65 So they had to like cut it open and stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 70 And there was a whole vaginal hole on the other end.

Speaker 65 Yes.

Speaker 181 It was just kind of sealed off.

Speaker 65 Yeah, it was sealed like yogurt or something.

Speaker 79 That's got to be a.

Speaker 95 That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though.

Speaker 42 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 13 It is. It is nice.

Speaker 87 You're trying to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you.

Speaker 65 Yeah, it is nice. Let your husband open it up for you.

Speaker 128 Hell yeah.

Speaker 134 It's cute.

Speaker 65 Romantic.

Speaker 40 Absolutely. Get the party started.

Speaker 105 It was so funny.

Speaker 221 I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought about.

Speaker 17 Oh, yeah, that's me.

Speaker 65 That's actually pretty sad. That's scary.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Speaker 50 Yep.

Speaker 222 Yep.

Speaker 4 There wasn't a vagina locked up there, and it was a human being.

Speaker 65 Yeah, imagine they put him in there.

Speaker 65 They put him in her. No, I'm sorry.

Speaker 65 but yeah good to see you yeah absolutely Aya naturally funny ridiculously likable how's life going Aya tell us about it it's good I just had a birthday party this past weekend

Speaker 65 it was so lit um

Speaker 65 my my mom I was like making pizzas for my family and my mom made okra pizza it was so cute Okra pizza yeah like it wasn't even on the menu yeah um but she just made okra and she was like I want it on my pizza put it on my pizza pizza.

Speaker 65 And I put it on her pizza and it was good.

Speaker 37 Wow, that is just an absolute Muslim party, if I've ever heard it before.

Speaker 122 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Okra pizza. And then how else do how else do you celebrate a birthday?

Speaker 53 You got you, Muslims, do you have like instead of candles, do you have like little world trade centers you put on the cake and you light on fire or something like that?

Speaker 65 Yeah, no, that's for my second birthday. Hell yeah.

Speaker 65 I'm older now.

Speaker 65 I'm not, I'm not even, I don't even think I'm supposed to celebrate birthdays. My parents are bad.
Like,

Speaker 65 they're sneaky. They let me do a lot of things.

Speaker 116 They be like that.

Speaker 65 They be like that. They're cool.
They're chill.

Speaker 65 They're not.

Speaker 93 They're not at all.

Speaker 10 Very, very strict, tough, demanding.

Speaker 65 Not like that. They're just like, they're just foreign.
That's it. Like,

Speaker 65 I don't know. Like, they just text me spam messages.
It's like, it's, I don't know. Like, my mom texts me prayers all the time, like, I'm God.

Speaker 128 Like,

Speaker 65 I don't know what to say to this.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 164 But

Speaker 65 it's, I love them, and they love me a lot.

Speaker 75 Are they very religious?

Speaker 65 Yeah, but they're, but I think it's good for them.

Speaker 74 What do you mean by that exactly?

Speaker 65 It's like, um,

Speaker 65 it's, it gives them peace of mind.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 65 And that's. Everyone wants that.

Speaker 9 And it stops them from doing terrorist attacks or something.

Speaker 65 They don't have that urge, surprise. No.
No, no, no.

Speaker 65 I have

Speaker 65 like my bloodline.

Speaker 131 Yes.

Speaker 65 Our blood is really nice and sweet. Okay.
Other people

Speaker 65 come from different bloodlines.

Speaker 155 Like who?

Speaker 195 We can name a race that comes from a different bloodline.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 65 No, no, it's not even a race.

Speaker 65 Right.

Speaker 65 I think it's just.

Speaker 145 They have filthy blood and you have the pure blood of the.

Speaker 65 No, I just have sweet blood.

Speaker 30 Sweet blood?

Speaker 24 Sweet blood.

Speaker 74 Like mosquitoes like it.

Speaker 111 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 65 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 155 Red Band, you're a vampire.

Speaker 86 What do you think about all this?

Speaker 189 No, she's saying she has a good family.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 145 no, she likes to get choked and stuff.

Speaker 55 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 90 There's some of that.

Speaker 65 Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them.

Speaker 77 Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?

Speaker 124 Um

Speaker 65 no, no, no. I come from like regular people.

Speaker 65 Like I'm not like royal or anything.

Speaker 139 Are you Persian?

Speaker 62 No, no, I'm Moroccan.

Speaker 139 I'm African.

Speaker 124 Oh.

Speaker 139 Well, that's filthy, evil blood.

Speaker 13 No, it's not.

Speaker 164 I don't know.

Speaker 83 I don't know.

Speaker 83 I'm just kidding. I'm just having fun.

Speaker 65 I can tell by people's eyes their bloodline. Like,

Speaker 65 like, Tony, you have very blue eyes.

Speaker 65 and that's like, that's not royal, that's like peasant. Yeah, that's peasant eyes, yeah.

Speaker 65 And, um,

Speaker 65 but I have black eyes, so I don't know, they're kind of

Speaker 79 scary.

Speaker 76 This is like word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once.

Speaker 122 That's

Speaker 95 really, what's in my blood?

Speaker 65 I don't know, I don't know, I'd have to check it, but look at James's eyes. Tell him what James's eyes are like regular.
Like, you're just like one of the people.

Speaker 156 So, wait, I'm just a fucking peasant over here?

Speaker 65 No, just your bloodline, your eyes.

Speaker 84 This doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 20 This is why nobody likes Muslim people.

Speaker 65 That is not true.

Speaker 65 Like,

Speaker 223 I don't know.

Speaker 65 Wait, does Donald Trump like Muslim people?

Speaker 88 Of course he does.

Speaker 169 Okay.

Speaker 65 No, because

Speaker 65 Muslim people like Donald Trump. Yeah.

Speaker 65 Because he's like the first president who doesn't have like a dog in the White House. Yeah.

Speaker 65 Muslims don't like dogs in the house.

Speaker 157 That's true.

Speaker 70 He doesn't play games like that.

Speaker 65 Yeah, angels are back in the White House.

Speaker 38 That's right.

Speaker 3 What do you mean?

Speaker 33 What do you mean by angels?

Speaker 65 So like if you're like Muslims believe if you have a dog in the house, then the angels get scared and leave.

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 55 That is unbelievable.

Speaker 193 I just learned so much about...

Speaker 53 That's crazy.

Speaker 145 What a fake religion.

Speaker 42 I'm sorry.

Speaker 98 I'm sorry.

Speaker 95 Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say, angels hate you?

Speaker 65 They're just cares.

Speaker 145 Catholics would never do that.

Speaker 95 We've done other stuff, but we would never make that.

Speaker 87 We would never make that particular mistake.

Speaker 83 I'm sorry.

Speaker 13 We need to go back and take over the Holy Land again.

Speaker 94 so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets.

Speaker 65 No, we want them on the streets.

Speaker 10 They're good on the streets.

Speaker 65 Yeah, that's where we want them.

Speaker 69 Street dogs.

Speaker 65 Street dogs, yeah, like the street hot dogs, but they're alive and they're walking.

Speaker 131 Yep.

Speaker 65 And not for sale.

Speaker 67 That makes sense.

Speaker 116 All right, Aya.

Speaker 129 An unbelievable new minute.

Speaker 34 We fucking loved it.

Speaker 17 One of the young rising legends of the show.

Speaker 17 And now back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, because because your next bucket pull goes by the name of Gary Gia, everyone.

Speaker 44 Or Gary Gia, perhaps.

Speaker 118 It's Gary, everyone.

Speaker 221 Just found out I've fucking peasantized.

Speaker 221 Yeah, so I just moved here from Alaska.

Speaker 91 Yeah, what the fuck is right, dude?

Speaker 221 I never understood why people would have sex with animals.

Speaker 221 And then I moved 99 miles away from the closest hinge profile.

Speaker 221 Can't be checking out this salmon, like, oh.

Speaker 221 So you're a Pisces, huh?

Speaker 42 Wait, you got how many kids?

Speaker 111 You got some

Speaker 221 kind of smell like my ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 91 Yeah, but I love my ex.

Speaker 221 I love my ex because we had chemistry, you know, we knew what we liked. We loved rough sex.
So I agreed when we're in the bedroom that our safe word is the N-word.

Speaker 221 No, because I won't even say that shit behind closed doors, man.

Speaker 224 You know, like, fucking anything goes, baby.

Speaker 221 You know, like, that's a terrible word. I obviously shouldn't even joke about it.
Every time she said it, I just slapped her again.

Speaker 225 Just,

Speaker 91 you know, I'm about to be 40, which is cool.

Speaker 221 This old lady, she's told me she that I had a very nice skin complexion. And I was like, you want to know my secret?

Speaker 221 Omega threesomes.

Speaker 74 Wow. Holy shit.
We have some real fucking

Speaker 33 unbelievable bucket pulls here tonight.

Speaker 44 Gary.

Speaker 38 How's it going, Gary?

Speaker 221 Dude, if I had a tail, it would be wagging.

Speaker 213 I am so happy to be here.

Speaker 146 You're happy still after that performance?

Speaker 134 Oh, god damn it.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 69 How long have you been doing stand-up for, Gary?

Speaker 91 Well, funny you should ask, Tony.

Speaker 221 I started maybe about like seven or eight years ago, and then I bombed really bad. So I took a break.
So I've been doing it for about two years altogether.

Speaker 195 You did it seven or eight years ago and how long did you do it before that big bombing uh about a year about

Speaker 144 a year and then you bombed so hard that you took a few years off what happened during that bombing how bad could it have been compared to what the fuck we just saw god damn it that your tail would be wagging about

Speaker 221 um no i uh i mean

Speaker 221 Like I really picked up some steam. I was doing very good in stand-up comedy.

Speaker 221 And then I was just like at a fucking huge show with a bunch of fucking old people and now i was talking about having sex with like kids and stuff which is still not funny

Speaker 90 no it is

Speaker 124 it can be it can be funny it can be funny but it wasn't done that well right it's okay gary are you gay no i get that a lot no

Speaker 221 yeah yeah fucking a yeah dude like seriously i started working this job and uh yesterday i came in with a girl and like my co-workers were like oh my god i think i thought he was

Speaker 113 Yeah, yeah, I can see that.

Speaker 42 Fucking no, no, I'm hella straight.

Speaker 146 God, am I this fucking gay?

Speaker 149 It's the

Speaker 159 mandate.

Speaker 83 Stay on my side. I'm straight.

Speaker 42 You can like me.

Speaker 25 No, D decided long ago.

Speaker 25 I saw D.

Speaker 89 Yeah, you're not looking at anything right now. It's okay.

Speaker 42 Making fun of a blind man.

Speaker 94 Yeah, good God.

Speaker 109 Yeah, Gary.

Speaker 131 Relax, Gary.

Speaker 187 D-Mandis is pissed right now.

Speaker 7 He is homophobic as hell.

Speaker 74 So, Gary, let's talk about it.

Speaker 184 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 221 I am a restaurateur, so I work at restaurants, but I do like high-end shit. I'm not like some fucking selling mozzarella sticks and chicken wings and shit, you know?

Speaker 42 Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?

Speaker 79 Whoa, whoa, why'd you look over here when you said that shit?

Speaker 85 I'm trying to trigger the

Speaker 112 all right, Gary.

Speaker 70 so you're a restaurateur.

Speaker 10 So do you own a restaurant?

Speaker 221 No, no, I am a server at a restaurant off of South First called Nomade, which does like Yucatecan-style food.

Speaker 224 It is quite fantastic.

Speaker 30 Like the video game? Sorry?

Speaker 83 No, what do you say? Pick them?

Speaker 221 So like the Yucatecan Peninsula by like Guatemala, people all my size.

Speaker 221 But it's like, yeah, it's a different style of Mexican food.

Speaker 121 Okay.

Speaker 70 What do you do for fun, Gary?

Speaker 221 I'm into like backpacking nature and shit like that. I like to play high-stakes poker on like LSD, on like very small amounts of fucking hallucinogens, and then play very high-stakes poker.

Speaker 221 Did you lose?

Speaker 221 Nope.

Speaker 80 You're good at it?

Speaker 221 Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude.
I played the World Series of poker on like four hits of acid.

Speaker 156 And how did that go for you?

Speaker 128 Not good.

Speaker 6 Okay, but when you have done good, what's the best you've ever done at poker?

Speaker 221 Yeah, so the most i won in like one hand was thirty two thousand dollars what's the most you've lost in one hand sixteen thousand dollars almost about half of that right overall in your texas hold'em or poker playing life how far up or down do you think you are i'm definitely over a hundred k up up yeah absolutely that includes the buy-ins for these tournaments and everything yeah no you sure or are you just tripping on lsd and you think you're doing good no i this is the highest i've ever been but i'm sober but yes, like you can like track your stats online.

Speaker 221 You could look my name up online and I have like results like about like a year ago, two years ago, I took first place out of 643 people and I won $30,

Speaker 221 no, $28,000.

Speaker 139 All right, Gary.

Speaker 91 Oh, fuck, dude.

Speaker 197 Do you still live in Alaska?

Speaker 221 No, I moved here about three months ago.

Speaker 70 What made you want to move here?

Speaker 221 Pretty much like stand-up this show. You know what I mean? Like this is a fucking mecca of comedy.

Speaker 79 This is great.

Speaker 11 Well, we're fucking up big time.

Speaker 221 We are fucking up. This is not going how I fucking did on my vision board.
This is not great.

Speaker 122 Wow.

Speaker 89 You know, I thought it was great.

Speaker 69 Oh, my God.

Speaker 91 Can we spice this up?

Speaker 43 Can we spice this up?

Speaker 37 My vision board said it's gotta go better.

Speaker 74 Jesus Christ, Gary,

Speaker 6 you make me look like fucking

Speaker 90 someone tough.

Speaker 29 somebody real tough and manly

Speaker 73 yeah you make me you make me look like Freddie Mercury all right

Speaker 52 uh okay Gary tell us something interesting about your life you have your entire life to reference here something that's happened to you something that maybe uh formed or you know like uh tell us how you ended up the way you are yes well I was born this way but I have so many fucking stories right i got stories out the fucking ass like i've seen you bet you have stories up your ass too okay why don't you tell one, Gary, instead of telling us that you have stories?

Speaker 74 That's like you telling us that you have jokes.

Speaker 21 No jokes, no jokes, all stories.

Speaker 221 We know.

Speaker 221 So, yeah, let's see.

Speaker 221 I saw an alien one time.

Speaker 103 All right.

Speaker 131 All right. Right.

Speaker 89 We're going to keep it.

Speaker 80 So, do you want to hear it or no?

Speaker 28 No? Okay. How fast can you tell it?

Speaker 83 I can tell it.

Speaker 91 So I was about 14 years old.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 221 I was about 14 years old, and it was about two in the morning, and I was just laying down watching TV. And all of a sudden, I was paralyzed.
I saw this.

Speaker 103 All right, that's it.

Speaker 92 There you go.

Speaker 39 Gary Gia, everybody.

Speaker 21 Gary Gia.

Speaker 17 We gotta keep it moving.

Speaker 35 Some of these people have fucking nothing to them whatsoever.

Speaker 34 You gotta love it.

Speaker 118 Gary, sign up again.

Speaker 89 Best of luck next time.

Speaker 81 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 20 An alien story.

Speaker 25 Why don't you tell us about a dream you once had?

Speaker 13 Boy, you never know what you're gonna get down here.

Speaker 35 Make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 29 It's Matt Revis. Matt Revis.

Speaker 134 Hey, my name's Matt.

Speaker 161 You guys ever met a Mexican-Jewish person before?

Speaker 180 Yeah, I got a cousin, dude. He's Mexican and Jewish.
His name's Kiki.

Speaker 180 Spell Kike for some people.

Speaker 82 I don't know why.

Speaker 180 I love Keeks, man. He's so Mexican.
He works for instruction, but so Jewish, he only accepts payment, like bonds and shit.

Speaker 133 He's a genius, man.

Speaker 180 He's an entrepreneur. He did all this while managing a coffee shop called He Bruce.

Speaker 180 Bro, he's so Mexican and Jewish, dude.

Speaker 228 He built tunnels for both sides.

Speaker 180 Imagine a narco with a gold gun and some pigtails.

Speaker 202 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 160 I love Keeks, man.

Speaker 80 Keeks is dope.

Speaker 228 Keeks is chill as fuck.

Speaker 226 You know, we're older now.

Speaker 160 You know, he's an idiot.

Speaker 180 I tried to ask him about his whole take on the Israel thing.

Speaker 83 You know what he said?

Speaker 180 He's like, oh, yo, Israel, y'all in the back right now.

Speaker 207 He's going to make a tortillas.

Speaker 222 Yeah, man.

Speaker 228 You know, man, I'm a simple man, you know.

Speaker 160 I'm going to end it there. I'm done.

Speaker 32 Matt Reebus talking about his Mexican Jewish

Speaker 38 was a cousin or a friend?

Speaker 53 Would you say?

Speaker 229 Just a cousin.

Speaker 123 Cousin. Is it real?

Speaker 228 Nah, man, just a bit. Right.

Speaker 120 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 184 About three years. Three years.
Where are you from?

Speaker 230 Here from Austin.

Speaker 45 Born and raised? Yes, sir.

Speaker 47 Wow.

Speaker 122 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 168 I work at a smoke shop.

Speaker 228 Okay. Yeah, here in town right down the street.

Speaker 163 Okay.

Speaker 163 How long have you been doing that for?

Speaker 168 Actually, I'm about to start tomorrow, man.

Speaker 156 You haven't even started yet.

Speaker 35 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 75 Did they know that you're going to start working there?

Speaker 80 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 228 Actually, I talked to them today, smoked a blunt with them.

Speaker 42 They're like, you're hired.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 42 I was like, oh, really?

Speaker 7 It's like, that's it? Amazing.

Speaker 192 When's the last time you had a job before tomorrow?

Speaker 131 Like a.

Speaker 180 Like a week, man. I got fired on my day off like two weeks ago.

Speaker 215 You got fired on your day off a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 53 What was that job?

Speaker 186 I was a servant at this waffle shop.

Speaker 124 Okay. It's not Waffle House, guys.
Right.

Speaker 7 No, the Waffle House, you'd be the fucking CEO.

Speaker 144 It was just a random Austin waffle shop yeah i don't want to shout them out right you know it's just it's a spot uh it's like a ran by a bunch of mormons they're cool people they're great people fired me though okay what did they say they fired you for uh i didn't show up for work one day okay and then that'll do it you know how it is you know how it is no no i do know how

Speaker 13 fired on your

Speaker 42 no i've never

Speaker 76 i've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time i was at subway i was at McDonald's, I was at some ones you don't have over here.

Speaker 39 Like what?

Speaker 145 Billy Baxter's Cafe.

Speaker 82 It was run by Chinese people and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe.

Speaker 76 And there were just like six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me.

Speaker 170 They owned it.

Speaker 95 They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy who can't be charismatic enough.

Speaker 13 Were they? Who's laughing now, Billy Baxter's Cafe?

Speaker 89 No, they went out of business.

Speaker 5 And that was in Australia?

Speaker 105 Sweet Adelaide, Australia.

Speaker 87 I think, I believe in, I think you're a charismatic man, and I think you can do better than a smoke shop.

Speaker 145 I think you'll go further than that.

Speaker 228 Thank you, man. I appreciate that.

Speaker 105 Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing.

Speaker 95 I don't like them.

Speaker 128 They're a little unsettling.

Speaker 88 They're fucking in vans all over the street, peddling marijuana to young people.

Speaker 99 Have you said, I thought it was illegal in Texas, and they're standing on the street trying to get people high.

Speaker 77 That's a pusher.

Speaker 64 Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother.

Speaker 99 I like the set.

Speaker 111 I appreciate you, man.

Speaker 145 You're welcome.

Speaker 96 You were the first actor in a long time that I wasn't worried was going to die soon or was currently tripping.

Speaker 228 That was me last time I was up here.

Speaker 95 Are you done?

Speaker 95 I'll take over.

Speaker 13 So you've done it before?

Speaker 79 What did we have you do last time you're on the show?

Speaker 180 I was actually tripping, man.

Speaker 182 I was literally tripping.

Speaker 96 Oh, you crazy player.

Speaker 134 I know, man.

Speaker 132 Hey, you right, you right.

Speaker 81 You alright.

Speaker 95 Do you have a...

Speaker 77 Do you have a girlfriend or anything?

Speaker 202 I did.

Speaker 13 What happened?

Speaker 125 I'm not talented enough.

Speaker 145 In the bedroom?

Speaker 80 How'd you know?

Speaker 96 Come on, now. Takes one to know one.
No, I'm terrible.

Speaker 38 Right there.

Speaker 158 I fucking get it, bro.

Speaker 132 bro this guy gets it he gets it

Speaker 30 was it the billy baxters in arena fair no it closed down it was in adelaide arcade why have they still got one there well you look we happen to read a yelp review from billy baxter's cafe

Speaker 68 The food is consistently good.

Speaker 118 The breakfasts are terrific, but oh my goodness, the coffee is bad.

Speaker 228 Jesus.

Speaker 10 Two stars.

Speaker 184 It's weak, gray, soapy, and unpalatable.

Speaker 103 A double shot results in brown coffee, but bitter to the point of being undrinkable.

Speaker 41 Does the machine need a good clean out?

Speaker 149 Does the staff need lessons in temperature control?

Speaker 32 A weird, chubby, red-headed man in a beard greeted us, which is strange because it seemed to be owned by Asian women who angrily stared at him from the front windows.

Speaker 125 Two stars.

Speaker 95 After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it.

Speaker 96 You stitched me up.

Speaker 119 You have to admire how long it takes Red Band to type words properly.

Speaker 210 I said, Billy Baxter Cafe Yelp.

Speaker 74 I look over. He goes, there is nothing.

Speaker 6 And I look and he typed in Billy Bass.

Speaker 72 Literally just B-A-S-S.

Speaker 155 So we had a whole thing here.

Speaker 215 It's really tough. And then he spelled Baxter O-R at the end.

Speaker 146 There's a lot that goes on.

Speaker 24 It is a thankless job hosting this constantly sinking ship.

Speaker 81 Oh, it's having great fun.

Speaker 34 I know.

Speaker 32 The band plays while the ship sinks.

Speaker 37 It's the Titanic.

Speaker 127 All right, you fucking nerd. What are you?

Speaker 166 You're Mexican, right?

Speaker 90 Yeah, yeah. 100%?

Speaker 134 I'm 95.

Speaker 231 I'm a little Asian.

Speaker 42 Okay. Little Japanese.

Speaker 146 Little Japanese.

Speaker 109 Look at that.

Speaker 159 Barely.

Speaker 21 Barely. You see the eyes.

Speaker 185 So you love all kinds of rice.

Speaker 109 Is that correct?

Speaker 160 Dude, now.

Speaker 160 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Okay. What are your parents like?

Speaker 228 Like, they're both Mexican like me. It's just like one dad.

Speaker 186 What does your dad do for works?

Speaker 228 He works for the city, actually.

Speaker 23 What does he do for the city?

Speaker 228 He's like an HR representative for the APD and stuff like that.

Speaker 124 Oh, wow. That's incredible.

Speaker 67 How about your mom?

Speaker 228 What is she? She works for the state.

Speaker 55 Wow, look at your governmented-up family.

Speaker 228 I know. I know.
It's crazy.

Speaker 2 Right? Doing this.

Speaker 192 What else do you do for fun, Matt?

Speaker 160 Smoke weed.

Speaker 170 That seems like a thing. How old are you?

Speaker 80 24.

Speaker 121 24? That makes sense.

Speaker 228 About to turn 25 in a few months.

Speaker 163 Yep, that's how age works.

Speaker 80 I know.

Speaker 47 You'll never believe what happens after that.

Speaker 47 Another birthday about a year later. Fuck.

Speaker 54 Yep, just a few months.

Speaker 128 All right.

Speaker 53 Well, nothing else crazy about you, Matt. I'm getting a feeling that I'm close to finding something out, but I'm not asking.

Speaker 149 You ever been arrested?

Speaker 228 Me? No, I haven't.

Speaker 166 Me?

Speaker 118 You don't get that very often here.

Speaker 170 Wait, who? Me?

Speaker 37 Suspicious answer.

Speaker 101 Yeah, you're the one being interviewed.

Speaker 202 No, no, I would never get arrested.

Speaker 55 Why would Matt get arrested?

Speaker 29 What?

Speaker 69 No, I would never get arrested.

Speaker 105 Did you talk about yourself in the third person?

Speaker 42 I did. I did.

Speaker 95 That might have been what was missing.

Speaker 88 Do you often talk about yourself in the third person?

Speaker 202 When I feel uncomfortable, yes.

Speaker 202 When he feels uncomfortable.

Speaker 36 All right, Matt, there's nothing else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here?

Speaker 228 Nothing much, man. I'm just doing comedy, trying to stick with it, working.

Speaker 124 You're not working.

Speaker 42 Tomorrow. Start tomorrow.

Speaker 125 Starting tomorrow at a smoke shop.

Speaker 184 Yes. Which is literally fucking nothing.

Speaker 202 No, there's some weed and stuff. It's a nice part.

Speaker 202 It's a classy establishment.

Speaker 125 It's on Fifth Street, classy, you know.

Speaker 76 There are no classy smoke shops.

Speaker 87 It's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated and she's going to fall down.

Speaker 33 Or it's a woman that looks like James.

Speaker 145 That's true.

Speaker 24 You go to the east side, these chicks get hairy.

Speaker 78 It's what marijuana can do to you.

Speaker 168 I want you to turn your life around.

Speaker 7 Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down I can't imagine look at me what do you like to do after you get super duper high what are some things that you do big munchie guy big munchies love eating munchies make stupid ass sandwiches like what what's a stupid sandwich I made a

Speaker 228 like I like to get spam you know cut some spam up put a sliver a craft single on there

Speaker 228 toast some bread wheat bread preferably better for the digestive system you know

Speaker 202 not really but go ahead literally not and then I put I like to put some honey mustard, maybe some Dijon mustard on there, you know, maybe a little mayo, just a little.

Speaker 76 You said that was a crazy sandwich.

Speaker 87 That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described.

Speaker 228 Well, we don't eat that on a regular basis here. You know, Australia.

Speaker 139 Where are you from?

Speaker 131 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 128 I don't know.

Speaker 33 A spam sandwich is a delicacy in Australia.

Speaker 109 All right, Matt.

Speaker 112 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 67 Not a lot of catches tonight. He did it.

Speaker 42 Hi.

Speaker 50 Hi and bye. Matt Reeves.

Speaker 83 Alright, it's an interesting.

Speaker 118 I've given out no big joke books tonight.

Speaker 156 A fun fact.

Speaker 209 Zero big joke books.

Speaker 20 Only the golden ticket winners have pulled their weight tonight.

Speaker 32 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 35 It's Shiva Ari.

Speaker 122 Shiva Ari.

Speaker 110 Howdy.

Speaker 168 Little bit about myself.

Speaker 140 Watch a lot of porn.

Speaker 168 You guys watch porn?

Speaker 136 Yes.

Speaker 214 Good, good, good.

Speaker 176 I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos.

Speaker 232 Yeah.

Speaker 232 But I'm reading the comments.

Speaker 21 That's kind of where I'm at.

Speaker 232 You know what? The one thing I do like about porn, the one thing I do like about porn, nobody, and I mean, nobody is ever like, The book is better.

Speaker 110 I do like that about porn.

Speaker 232 Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine, right?

Speaker 214 Like, that's.

Speaker 232 I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial.

Speaker 212 You know what I'm saying? Like, we're not

Speaker 232 sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things, right?

Speaker 232 Like, if you want to describe millennials, we're kind of like the generation of eating ass

Speaker 229 and peanut allergies. That's

Speaker 47 us.

Speaker 232 What you got to hope? Hopefully, those two rows don't cross, right?

Speaker 232 it's like tony having to go to the hospital because red band ate a peanut butter sandwich you know

Speaker 34 all right i'm gonna stop you right there shiva

Speaker 2 shiva welcome uh you've been on this show before uh yeah twice twice okay yes sir absolutely welcome that was something um how long have you been on stand-up uh 10 years coming up right now god almighty this is a wild night tonight yeah uh what do you do for work that pretty much this man yeah you make a living doing this it's not a living but uh how do you survive i'm alive how do you survive

Speaker 38 how do you pay your rent how do you get food what is rent

Speaker 232 okay yeah so tell us about that i don't really pay rent uh how do you not pay rent Parent house, girlfriends.

Speaker 3 You stay at the parents' house still?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. I'm here now.

Speaker 160 Yeah, I live here.

Speaker 42 You are here now.

Speaker 52 Yes, sir. You are here.

Speaker 80 Like at the mothership, yes, sir.

Speaker 195 How do you not pay rent while being here?

Speaker 232 Fuck, you got me.

Speaker 232 I do pay rent now. Okay.
But that just happened like two months. I just moved here like two months ago.

Speaker 214 So, yeah.

Speaker 55 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 53 So how much are you generating from your stand-up comedy?

Speaker 195 How much money do you make in a ballpark a week?

Speaker 214 I mean,

Speaker 229 probably like five, $600 a month.

Speaker 139 How do you do that?

Speaker 42 Oh, wait, did you say a month?

Speaker 111 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 138 So hold on.

Speaker 70 How much rent are you paying a month for the last two months?

Speaker 2 800 a month.

Speaker 70 I don't know if anybody's ahead of me on that.

Speaker 42 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 134 No, you're nailing it.

Speaker 57 Right.

Speaker 155 So how do you make money to pay your rent?

Speaker 214 I've done enough shows.

Speaker 232 I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money.

Speaker 10 How much exactly did you save?

Speaker 95 How much turning into a financial project?

Speaker 174 Holy fuck.

Speaker 23 How much did you save exactly? People are going to find this unbelievably fascinating. There's a lot of people out there wondering, hey, should I start?

Speaker 146 How much should I save?

Speaker 67 I live at my parents' house. What should I do?

Speaker 232 Well, I definitely advise not to do stand-up comedy.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Well, I bet you would want nobody else to start stand-up comedy.

Speaker 109 Yes.

Speaker 166 I bet that would help your market share.

Speaker 232 Then I got to pay rent.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Okay.
How much did you save?

Speaker 232 Like $2,000.

Speaker 42 $2,000.

Speaker 131 $2,000.

Speaker 131 Absolutely.

Speaker 38 Yes. Yes.
D-Madness cracking up.

Speaker 173 D-Madness literally verbally laughing out loud.

Speaker 175 The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand-up comedy.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 40 100%.

Speaker 108 You stated the very obvious there.

Speaker 229 How much, how much, wait, no, I'm curious. How much money do you make doing stand-up comedy, Tony?

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 103 All right.

Speaker 42 Is it $3,000 a month?

Speaker 128 Okay. No?

Speaker 29 Okay.

Speaker 101 What do you mean? Yes.

Speaker 232 It's only $3,000 a month?

Speaker 42 Yes.

Speaker 14 Oh, my God.

Speaker 122 How much is your rent?

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 101 Yes, it's...

Speaker 90 Somehow it's...

Speaker 12 All right.

Speaker 45 I don't have rent anymore, Shiva.

Speaker 97 I don't have. Oh, I forgot.

Speaker 80 Yeah, you own. I understand that.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 40 But

Speaker 41 I do have payments that I have to make. D-Madness is literally losing his mind.

Speaker 103 So.

Speaker 168 Actually, you've lost a lot of weight.

Speaker 134 Shiva, over here.

Speaker 234 Sorry, sorry, sir.

Speaker 80 Stick with me.

Speaker 148 Sorry.

Speaker 67 So,

Speaker 41 how do you survive?

Speaker 9 Tell the truth.

Speaker 168 No, that's honestly it.

Speaker 80 What do you eat? I mooch.

Speaker 24 What did you eat today?

Speaker 232 I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes, actually.

Speaker 232 I just drove from Dallas. I was doing a show there.

Speaker 183 Drove here.

Speaker 53 All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 42 That's it.

Speaker 80 Are you sure?

Speaker 232 I woke up at like 3 p.m.

Speaker 161 Why did you wake up at 3?

Speaker 214 Because I'm a comic.

Speaker 115 That's not, but what do you mean?

Speaker 41 Because what did you do last night?

Speaker 168 I did a show.

Speaker 42 Okay. I did it.

Speaker 151 All right. Yes.

Speaker 144 But then what would happen to where you wouldn't wake up until 3 p.m.

Speaker 192 after the show would be the question.

Speaker 2 Yes, sir.

Speaker 71 Before I asked you what you did last night,

Speaker 17 you said you woke up at 3 p.m.

Speaker 74 I said, why did you wake up at 3 p.m.?

Speaker 120 So what happened last night?

Speaker 10 Other than your stand-up set, unless you listened to it afterwards.

Speaker 95 This feels like the end of Legally Blonde.

Speaker 22 I don't know what happened in Legally Blonde.

Speaker 83 I'm sure that's a mailing for something.

Speaker 109 Okay, I don't know.

Speaker 23 Yes, I'm trying to do an interview.

Speaker 168 I'm not good at this.

Speaker 138 I'm not doing it.

Speaker 99 Where were you last night? At 2 a.m.

Speaker 94 I was at the Capitol, dude.

Speaker 140 I fucking...

Speaker 139 Yeah, no.

Speaker 183 I just drove here. I got super drunk last night after the show.

Speaker 73 Shiva Ari, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 84 Shiva Ari.

Speaker 166 We are in a dry spell right now.

Speaker 44 We might have to go fucking turbo mode here.

Speaker 73 Ladies and gentlemen, your next minute tonight, remind you, I have the thickest stack of big joke books I think I've had in the mothership era.

Speaker 69 Not a single one has been given out.

Speaker 42 And I have one little joke book left.

Speaker 101 This is unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 75 Which is crazy because last week it was all

Speaker 166 Except for the first one all unbelievable four secret show editions last week an all-star lineup the momentum runneth drieth.

Speaker 42 Let's see if it starts here with the stylings of Anthony Ruan everybody Anthony Ruan.

Speaker 31 Let's see what happens here.

Speaker 17 Here's Anthony everyone

Speaker 227 I started dating this new girl.

Speaker 213 I'll be honest with everyone here.

Speaker 110 I really like her.

Speaker 234 She's just into things that I I have no experience in, like role play.

Speaker 234 She keeps trying to get me to wear these magnums.

Speaker 234 I'm a terrible communicator. I don't know how to let her know.
Like, that's not how that works.

Speaker 234 No matter how dark this face paint is.

Speaker 234 Chill out. You guys are going to feel much better when I tell you I ran that joke by that black gentleman right there.

Speaker 2 He told me he hated it.

Speaker 158 so

Speaker 234 i uh it's much better than my last relationship my last girlfriend she broke up with me after we found out the apartment was haunted i'll admit it's scary stuff getting in a huge argument when you know you're too afraid to go sleep on the couch

Speaker 234 one time we're in the middle of this big fight i was like you know what the lights started to flicker i was like you're right

Speaker 138 That's it.

Speaker 131 All right.

Speaker 120 Anthony Ruan.

Speaker 185 Have you been been on this show before?

Speaker 50 I have not.

Speaker 193 Okay. Well, welcome, welcome.
Thank you.

Speaker 67 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 234 I've been doing stand-up for a year and a half.

Speaker 128 Okay, where at?

Speaker 234 Phoenix, Arizona.

Speaker 5 And that's where you still live?

Speaker 234 No, I moved to Austin three weeks ago.

Speaker 184 Okay.

Speaker 154 And how is that working out for you?

Speaker 53 How's Austin treating you?

Speaker 234 Not as good as I thought it would be.

Speaker 55 Tell us why.

Speaker 234 Lots of mics, but no state show time.

Speaker 234 I was doing like, I would do, like, shows in Arizona, so I'm just trying to get back in.

Speaker 124 Right.

Speaker 124 Here you are.

Speaker 212 Here I am. You're on a show right now.

Speaker 110 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 69 There you go.

Speaker 80 Absolutely.

Speaker 184 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 80 I'm a cake decorator. Okay.

Speaker 235 There you go.

Speaker 103 Absolutely.

Speaker 101 That's amazing.

Speaker 115 How long have you been decorating cakes for?

Speaker 234 For about a year and a half, about as long as I've been doing stand-up.

Speaker 184 Amazing.

Speaker 115 And you decided to both start stand-up comedy and decorating cakes at the same time.

Speaker 130 What were you doing before that?

Speaker 234 I was driving semi-trucks.

Speaker 30 James.

Speaker 30 Sorry, how do you go from...

Speaker 95 You seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis instead.

Speaker 82 I'm going into cake decoration.

Speaker 76 I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about at the show.

Speaker 94 Yes.

Speaker 90 Much better than that.

Speaker 13 What cakes do you like to decorate? Wedding cakes?

Speaker 99 Kids' birthday cakes? Do you do it at HEB or a fancy place?

Speaker 123 I'm fascinated tell us all about the cake decorating I am so interested it's a Walmart

Speaker 13 you gotta start sandwich

Speaker 2 Wow how did how does this start how does one even get into cake decorating it's the highest what's one of the highest paid positions at Walmart so you went to a Walmart you're like what kind of jobs are available you looked at the pay and you're like I'll just take on cake decorating it's exactly that wow incredible.

Speaker 124 Were you driving trucks for Walmart before that?

Speaker 234 No, I was driving for a beer company.

Speaker 53 Okay, what made you want to stop driving and start cake decorating?

Speaker 39 A DUI.

Speaker 109 Ah, yes, that'll do it.

Speaker 197 Many of your favorite cake decorators were once

Speaker 199 truck drivers.

Speaker 148 Wow.

Speaker 67 Amazing.

Speaker 74 Amazing. Where were you when you got the DUI?

Speaker 41 Were you getting high on your own supply out of the back of the truck?

Speaker 234 No, I was driving home from a new faces comedy show at 10 p.m.

Speaker 38 Prov

Speaker 234 and I got pulled over while I was eating McDonald's.

Speaker 42 Is that a crime?

Speaker 95 If that's a crime, I'm in big shit.

Speaker 33 If that's a crime, then Red Band's Jack the Ripper.

Speaker 234 I got pulled over when I saw the lights, I panicked, and I dropped the McDonald's all over myself.

Speaker 110 Oh yeah.

Speaker 234 And then my thought process was like, if the cop sees this McDonald's all over me and my car, he's gonna like assume I'm drunk.

Speaker 155 And you were a little drunk, right?

Speaker 132 Yeah,

Speaker 234 I hid the McDonald's in my pockets.

Speaker 122 Oh,

Speaker 109 I love this.

Speaker 37 Now we're fucking talking.

Speaker 33 Finally, a moment of an interview where somebody admits fucking something.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Other than them being a federal witness against Demetrius Demetrius Andre Jenkins III.

Speaker 47 Not this guy.

Speaker 131 Uh-uh.

Speaker 42 Not you.

Speaker 146 Not you. So you're shoving like what?

Speaker 57 What are we talking about?

Speaker 163 Fries, burgers?

Speaker 187 Are there sauces in your pockets?

Speaker 41 Like, what do you remember?

Speaker 70 McDoubles.

Speaker 134 Whoa.

Speaker 138 Oh, my God.

Speaker 36 So

Speaker 36 this is while you're pulling over or as he's approaching.

Speaker 234 No, I had them all in the pockets by the time I was pulled over. He didn't find them until he searched me.

Speaker 196 Oh,

Speaker 44 my god.

Speaker 138 Oh

Speaker 131 my God.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 109 This is incredible.

Speaker 57 So

Speaker 192 you're driving.

Speaker 74 You're eating McDonald's. You got McDoubles.
No fries.

Speaker 23 You went straight McDonald's.

Speaker 234 Oh yeah, if you use the app, you get a free.

Speaker 70 I did not know this.

Speaker 39 Red Band.

Speaker 46 Red Band actually created the app.

Speaker 33 A lot of people know that.

Speaker 101 Okay.

Speaker 57 So

Speaker 53 you see the lights.

Speaker 109 You're eating McDoubles straight up.

Speaker 23 Did you get to eat some of the McDouble at least?

Speaker 110 Yeah, I was like halfway through that first one.

Speaker 234 Right.

Speaker 33 And then you took the second one out of the bag in its wrapper and put it in your pocket?

Speaker 179 I kind of had them like all laid out.

Speaker 142 How many McDoubles did you get?

Speaker 42 When you say all.

Speaker 179 I had three McDoubles.

Speaker 119 That is six hamburgers in between three sets of buns, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 41 That is true.

Speaker 42 That is a mick that's a mixpel

Speaker 87 I want you to answer this question truthfully.

Speaker 30 Are you the hamburgler?

Speaker 234 Honestly, that guy's legit as fuck. So I would take

Speaker 234 the hamburger.

Speaker 108 True gangster.

Speaker 115 So you take a burger.

Speaker 71 No, you take two and a half burgers and you shove them in your pockets.

Speaker 153 And then the cop comes up and what's the first moment in which you realize that you might get in trouble?

Speaker 3 Does he say that he smells alcohol today?

Speaker 179 He was like, you've been drinking?

Speaker 69 And you're like, no.

Speaker 110 Yeah. Right?

Speaker 70 Yeah. But what had you drank that night?

Speaker 67 Let's go through it here.

Speaker 234 Lots of tequila shots. Oh, yeah.
I was celebrating a good set

Speaker 234 at the Tempe Improv.

Speaker 234 I do it.

Speaker 67 In Tempe.

Speaker 139 Tempe. You were loving it.

Speaker 74 Right.

Speaker 163 Tempe uses unmarked cars, correct?

Speaker 5 Was it an unmarked police car?

Speaker 234 No, it was marked.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 214 It was Chandler Police Department.

Speaker 124 yeah

Speaker 41 did you have to go to Maricopa County Court

Speaker 234 no I went to Chandler courts they gave me like mandatory minimums like two days in jail house arrest did they make double your fine

Speaker 109 all right

Speaker 113 it was it was a pretty big what did he say when he was feeling when he's patting you down and he goes there's a little

Speaker 41 something here you was it like is there anything Do you have anything in your pockets that could hurt me or give me heart disease?

Speaker 139 Yeah.

Speaker 234 It won't pick or poke you, but it'll give you cholesterol.

Speaker 42 There you go. Yep.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 234 His exact words when he pulled them out is he had them in his hands and he said,

Speaker 179 Why are there burgers in your pockets?

Speaker 120 People ask Red Band that every day.

Speaker 23 And then, what what did you say?

Speaker 234 I said exact words. I said, I don't know, take me to jail.

Speaker 138 Brilliant.

Speaker 33 At least you knew, because I was going to say, you must have skipped the tests and everything after that, right?

Speaker 42 You admitted to being drunk? Yeah.

Speaker 114 Right.

Speaker 184 There was no hiding it.

Speaker 53 That makes sense.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 23 So from a high to a low, did you have to spend the night there?

Speaker 213 No, actually, they put me in the cell.

Speaker 234 They closed the door and then they opened it and they let me go. And I i was actually like less than a mile away from my house when i got out of uh

Speaker 53 when i got out of the the the police department i could see my apartment complex amazing perfect do you talk about this on stage by the way that's way better than anything you said on your minute

Speaker 234 yeah i do i have i have a bit that's pretty much like just exactly what i said right now it usually works yeah no that makes sense uh

Speaker 119 wow so what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you as a cake decorator Weirdest cake you ever made?

Speaker 179 Uh there's not like really weird cakes.

Speaker 234 I've had like people say they don't like them.

Speaker 164 Ah.

Speaker 153 What did they not like?

Speaker 27 Your decoration part or the flavor?

Speaker 234 Honestly, I think they like it until they see me

Speaker 234 and then they like notice that I'm the one that made the cake.

Speaker 67 Has there ever been a time where you felt like

Speaker 7 You know someone was gonna rob you at the cake store and you started shoving cake in your pockets

Speaker 67 Have you ever gone back to that have you ever put more food in your pockets before or since then?

Speaker 234 No, that was the first and only were you stoned were you high?

Speaker 211 Would you smoke some weed that night?

Speaker 53 No, I was just that was my honest just a night in Tempe a wild night in Tempe a hot night lots of tequila and you're shoving burgers in your I can't imagine being that kind of drunk To where I'd be like fuck I gotta get rid of these fucking burgers.

Speaker 142 If he sees these burgers, burgers, he's gonna know I'm drunk.

Speaker 31 Like, I would eat the burger, and I would, like, try to fucking get a pickle.

Speaker 189 Yeah, put some, like, pickles on my neck. Yeah.

Speaker 29 Smell alcohol. Exactly.

Speaker 197 Yeah, I'd rub the burger.

Speaker 28 I'd put it everywhere but my pockets.

Speaker 234 That's like the exact opposite of what I thought.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Did it feel good?

Speaker 159 Yeah.

Speaker 95 Would you ever do it again for leisure?

Speaker 109 Yes, in a heartbeat.

Speaker 2 In a heartbeat, I would.

Speaker 126 I've often thought about putting a McGriddle down the front of the trouser.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 213 If it was two hours later, it would be a different story.

Speaker 124 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 126 Foiled by time.

Speaker 139 Yeah.

Speaker 95 You couldn't have hot cakes in the pants.

Speaker 121 I couldn't.

Speaker 42 Anthony, congratulations.

Speaker 35 You got pulled out of the bucket here.

Speaker 34 You could put that in your pocket.

Speaker 40 That's a little joke book.

Speaker 89 The last remaining little

Speaker 50 joke book.

Speaker 35 I'm going to have to start giving out cigarette butts.

Speaker 34 Smoked cigarettes if this trend of bad of okay bucket pools Continues this sounds like a name that I would make up ladies and gentlemen because I think it's one of the funniest last names in all of comedy But it appears as if though this is this guy's real name makes some noise for David Jenkins everybody.

Speaker 34 I do believe I use that word all the time David Jenkins

Speaker 236 Hi everybody

Speaker 233 So, I was grocery shopping the other day, and my unemployed friend wanted to come along, as they do.

Speaker 233 And he just is one of those political types that can't stop talking about how bad Trump is. But I let him go on, tell the whole spiel.

Speaker 204 And his big thing was he was against borders.

Speaker 233 He said, borders don't work, borders don't work.

Speaker 176 I was like, all right, you do you.

Speaker 55 But we get...

Speaker 233 to the checkout line and on that little conveyor belt he puts that little divider So I'm just a little confused.

Speaker 124 Do borders work or do borders not work?

Speaker 233 It really didn't look good because I was buying for taco night.

Speaker 233 Do you think an autistic girl has ever paid for fake tits to avoid eye contact?

Speaker 233 That's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 9 Okay, David Jenkins, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, Chris.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 124 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 109 That was okay.

Speaker 45 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 233 I've done it like five times.

Speaker 41 Five times. You live here in Austin?

Speaker 52 I do.

Speaker 121 Born and raised?

Speaker 139 No. Where are you from? Tampa.

Speaker 205 Okay, what made you want to move here?

Speaker 233 I've got a long history here related with my girlfriend.

Speaker 233 She lived here for several years up until 2020.

Speaker 233 And I visited in March of 2020, right when the lockdowns happened, and then in June, and then I had a one-way ticket for the first time here, and we drove back together to Tampa, where she came back with me.

Speaker 233 Okay. And then we moved out here.

Speaker 111 You guys are still together?

Speaker 114 Yep.

Speaker 67 Amazing. What does she do?

Speaker 42 She does DoorDash.

Speaker 52 What do you do?

Speaker 233 Accounting.

Speaker 2 Wow. You're a real accountant? I am.

Speaker 233 And that's my real last name.

Speaker 101 Jenkins is your real last name.

Speaker 42 I know.

Speaker 233 I thought about making a fake Jenkins name because I know you love to use it.

Speaker 14 I love it.

Speaker 146 I think Jenkins is the funniest last name.

Speaker 159 Perfect.

Speaker 2 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 120 Well, that's your real name.

Speaker 205 So you come from a long line of Jenkins.

Speaker 204 I'm actually the third.

Speaker 34 You are David Jenkins the third.

Speaker 146 What does David Jenkins Sr.

Speaker 41 do?

Speaker 124 He's dead.

Speaker 188 How about your dad?

Speaker 233 He's retired now, but he did, he was a mechanic for airplanes.

Speaker 148 Okay.

Speaker 124 All right.

Speaker 41 Okay, so you've done it five times.

Speaker 33 You're an accountant. What made you want to start stand-up?

Speaker 233 I just love it. I've been listening to it for so long.

Speaker 233 Like, I remember in fifth grade, I don't remember which album it was for Brian Regan, but just listening to that again and again and cracking up every time, putting it on the radio for my dad.

Speaker 93 And

Speaker 233 I've just been obsessed with it ever since.

Speaker 53 He's the man. He makes everybody do a shot before they go on stage, before his shows.

Speaker 229 Oh, I didn't know that.

Speaker 121 Little fun fact.

Speaker 53 He seems like he'd be, like, clean and sober, but he knows how to fucking dirty hard.

Speaker 233 I know he looks like Santa now.

Speaker 163 I didn't know that. All right.

Speaker 22 Tell us the most interesting thing about your entire life, David, before I get you out of here because we're going to fly through some.

Speaker 233 I've got the same tooth knocked out three times.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 7 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 54 So they keep putting, when you say you got it knocked out, is it people knocking it out?

Speaker 139 One time. But not on purpose.

Speaker 128 It was never on purpose.

Speaker 204 You were just horseplaying around?

Speaker 233 Yeah, the first time I was running up a wet slide, fell, hit it, boom. Boom.
Second time, I hit a kid on the forehead while playing basketball.

Speaker 233 And the third time I got hit in in the face with the baseball. So two out of three times sports.

Speaker 2 Kind of surprising. Wow.

Speaker 67 James, what do you think about this?

Speaker 105 I love that you've had the confidence to wear a beanie that makes your head look like the tip of a penis.

Speaker 138 Absolutely.

Speaker 81 I think that's good.

Speaker 220 Right there.

Speaker 42 Thank you. You're welcome.

Speaker 115 What made you pick flesh-colored?

Speaker 204 It's my girlfriend had it, and I didn't want to buy a new one, and it's really warm.

Speaker 80 I mean, it's cold out tonight.

Speaker 148 Okay.

Speaker 145 Yeah. And you've coupled that with the I Have Grandchildren sweater?

Speaker 142 Yeah, you can't scare me.

Speaker 5 I have grandchildren.

Speaker 67 Where do you get something like that?

Speaker 187 A lot of hip, a lot of hip dudes on tonight's show.

Speaker 81 Where do you get a shirt like that?

Speaker 233 I thrifted it on Depop. I don't know if you've heard of that.
It's like an online thrift.

Speaker 120 Oh, I know all about it.

Speaker 7 I go all the way to Round Top just to antique sometimes.

Speaker 95 I don't believe in Depop. I think that's the weak way to do it.

Speaker 145 I go to the big, weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff.

Speaker 150 That's what I do. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 45 Yeah, I know all about it, and they're extra angry for me.

Speaker 17 When I walk in there, I go, you're all lucky to even be here.

Speaker 80 Get out of my bin.

Speaker 177 Nope.

Speaker 96 I thought the joke at the end was good.

Speaker 52 Thank you.

Speaker 79 I just wanted to be supportive. And it was.
Thank you.

Speaker 42 Thank you. No, I...

Speaker 111 I got more laughs than I thought it would, to be honest.

Speaker 120 It got more laughs than I thought it would, too.

Speaker 84 It's because the audience has only heard comedy uh for a total of two minutes tonight it was aya and martin phillips uh here's a little joke book there you go i've been given more little joke books by the way I've been handed little joke books.

Speaker 23 The great bones I is somewhere skinning a cow right now live for us to be able to have more little joke books.

Speaker 68 I have decided to pre-pull names, ladies and gentlemen. We are going into turbo bucket pull mode.

Speaker 166 When you hear those noises,

Speaker 23 that means that since there have been no big joke books given out tonight, that I will be pulling and we will be watching people do minute sets until somebody truly kills Tony tonight.

Speaker 48 This is the ninth bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 92 It could end right now.

Speaker 182 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Wes Bullens, everybody.

Speaker 17 Wes Bullens.

Speaker 236 Am I the only one that always gets jump-scared by Valentine's Day?

Speaker 236 It's the same day every year, guys. It's a day to just be sad as fuck, you know? Think about all the past trauma from your last relationships.

Speaker 236 Valentine's Day is like my day of Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Speaker 236 Because every relationship I've been in has just been completely over-exaggerated, if not just made up.

Speaker 236 Joking around, guys. I'm not Elon Musk for just having some laughs having some drinks at least I see you guys drinking here I

Speaker 158 actually went sober that was my new year's resolution to go sober which it's a good thing right yeah it's a good thing no no that shit sucks it's just you and everything you hate about yourself trapped together all weekend long

Speaker 42 You start looking forward to Monday?

Speaker 38 It's rough, man.

Speaker 162 I challenge you guys, go to a dive bar sober

Speaker 236 and actually see what it's like.

Speaker 37 It's traumatizing.

Speaker 160 It's like Valentine's Day and the Holocaust every single weekend.

Speaker 236 Thanks, guys. It's my time.

Speaker 185 And you know what that sound means.

Speaker 38 Little joke book for Wes.

Speaker 118 No interview.

Speaker 166 He's gone.

Speaker 50 Wes Bullens. We are in turbo mode.

Speaker 62 When you hear that slot arpeggio.

Speaker 51 Arpeggio?

Speaker 81 Arpeggio?

Speaker 81 Arpeggio?

Speaker 113 That sweet slot chime.

Speaker 29 We're going until someone kills.

Speaker 69 Who's with me?

Speaker 49 Your next bucket pool.

Speaker 35 Ladies and gentlemen, one minute for Matthew Jordan.

Speaker 35 Thank you, Joe.

Speaker 157 And welcome, welcome.

Speaker 240 So I've been going to the gym lately. Dropped 40 pounds already.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Got addicted to Zumba all the time.

Speaker 240 Going in there, first time ever in there, they looked at me like this gringo is going to be out after three songs.

Speaker 212 But I'm there. I just want a to taste.
Just want a little bit of taste of that.

Speaker 240 You just can't stop with that.

Speaker 132 So

Speaker 240 going to buy the third song, I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I don't know if I'm having a heart attack or no.
I'm going into Zuma, going, going, going.

Speaker 240 But then the fourth song, wait to the fourth song, because if you do make it past the third song, the fourth song, you just start feeling the music. The music starts going through.

Speaker 240 You don't even know what you're doing anymore.

Speaker 52 You're moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Speaker 240 You're clapping.

Speaker 240 You're in a rush to get to the front of the stage. You want your spot.
Because once you get to that spot, you're up there and you're dancing. Next thing you know, you get a target on your back.

Speaker 240 That's Betty back there. She's coming up.

Speaker 231 She wants that spot.

Speaker 162 No shit.

Speaker 134 I was here an hour early putting my water bottle down in that spot right there.

Speaker 240 It's mine.

Speaker 162 Who knows about all that?

Speaker 240 You fight for your spot in Zoom, but I'm telling you one thing.

Speaker 166 Holy fucking shit.

Speaker 89 There's a little joke book.

Speaker 134 Thanks so much, Sir Matthew Jordan, ladies and gentlemen, on your 10th bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 17 This is unbelievable.

Speaker 241 We are quickly approaching approaching the record, which I do believe is 16.

Speaker 166 The 16th bucket pull that night of Bunback, because I remember, because I'm a big fan of this show, was Aaron Belial, who would go on to win a golden ticket.

Speaker 26 He would go on to America's Got Talent, and he's a ticket-selling star today, so anything can happen.

Speaker 42 This is bucket pull number 11.

Speaker 69 In a, we have one little joke book left again.

Speaker 73 Make some noise for Ian Sharp.

Speaker 17 Number 11, everybody, Ian Sharp.

Speaker 132 Hey, thank you guys.

Speaker 2 So the other day, I was walking around town, and believe it or not, I saw a real-life Nazi just standing there, broad daylight, full uniform, table full of propaganda.

Speaker 218 So I knew what I had to do. I said, not in my town.
So I walked right up to that Nazi, punched her right in the face.

Speaker 218 Beat the shit out of her.

Speaker 218 Don't worry. I wasn't in any danger.
She was way smaller than me

Speaker 218 Like suspiciously small, you know, she was about five six years old, but listen

Speaker 218 If you're old enough to wear that uniform in public, you know the infamous Nazi uniform with the green skirt and the beret and the sash covered in war medals

Speaker 218 If you're old enough to wear that, you're old enough to get punched in the face by a grown man

Speaker 218 and get all of your cookies stolen

Speaker 177 all right now listen folks

Speaker 134 i'm no hero all right

Speaker 206 all right we'll call it you guys are insane you've forgotten what

Speaker 42 okay

Speaker 73 we're going through a turbo round no interview ladies and gentlemen before i just pulled another one so before he comes up

Speaker 188 Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to bring someone up who specializes in following people bombing.

Speaker 42 I've waited, I didn't want to have to wake him up, I didn't want to have to bring him out of his fucking cage.

Speaker 17 But, ladies and gentlemen, here he is while we wrangle a bucket pull because it's up to a bucket pull to get us out of this mess.

Speaker 138 We will go all night, we will do all 200.

Speaker 201 This

Speaker 138 is

Speaker 181 Drew Nickens.

Speaker 167 My dad is my best friend,

Speaker 190 Even though he talks shit about me on Reddit.

Speaker 220 And he's a kooky guy.

Speaker 167 I was scrolling through Facebook.

Speaker 190 I got a group recommend that says sexy superheroes.

Speaker 167 And my dad was a member. So I checked on it just to see what type of did he freak off shit he's into.

Speaker 138 That's when I realized my dad is a Batman cosplayer.

Speaker 242 Imagine this.

Speaker 47 He is a 6'6 ⁇ , 450-pound black man in a Batman costume in a wheelchair that he calls the Batmobile because he can't walk.

Speaker 183 He goes,

Speaker 55 I'm Batman.

Speaker 167 I love solving crime unless there's stairs.

Speaker 167 Like, why can't you be trans, dad?

Speaker 167 It was awkward. I walked into my parents' house, a.k.a.
the Batcave.

Speaker 190 That's when I realized my parents were creating content.

Speaker 95 My dad, full

Speaker 190 cool costume, batarang hanging out. My mom, hunched over in a pleather costume.

Speaker 167 It smelled like a Harby's roast beef sandwich in that bitch.

Speaker 14 They had the meats.

Speaker 190 But I'm not going to kingshame.

Speaker 167 So you can find me in that group at the Retarded Robin.

Speaker 42 Thank y'all so much.

Speaker 90 All right.

Speaker 47 Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 48 We're flying through it tonight, Drew.

Speaker 33 There he goes.

Speaker 34 Drew Nickens, everybody.

Speaker 173 We are still in turbo mode.

Speaker 209 I don't know if you guys hear those sweet slot chimes.

Speaker 24 You guys hear that?

Speaker 138 Come on, let's get some energy out for this room.

Speaker 15 No, no.

Speaker 15 No, no, no.

Speaker 48 We don't want fake energy.

Speaker 42 All right.

Speaker 13 We need to bring that energy back down, everybody.

Speaker 181 We want you to be a true

Speaker 215 judgmental crowd.

Speaker 118 We know what the fuck is going on here.

Speaker 66 Stay judgmental.

Speaker 166 Make these. Someone's gotta fucking earn it.

Speaker 206 Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented episode, this is indeed your 12th bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 26 Make some noise for a minute from Matt Rivera.

Speaker 124 Matt Rivera.

Speaker 226 Hey everybody, my name is Matt.

Speaker 243 I've always struggled with my masculinity.

Speaker 226 I think it's because I like bubble baths.

Speaker 79 Which is really confusing because now ice baths are cool.

Speaker 243 It's like, what, are you getting a tub of ice? You're manly and you're stoic, but you had some soap and you're a pussy.

Speaker 243 I don't know how to treat people, man.

Speaker 243 I saw this homeless guy the other day, and he asked me for money.

Speaker 226 I opened my wallet, I only had $2,

Speaker 224 so I told him no.

Speaker 224 Then the next day, I came back, and he was dead.

Speaker 168 And when something like that happens, it really like fucks with you, but it teaches you to appreciate things in life.

Speaker 226 Like, I am so grateful I didn't give that guy any money

Speaker 243 Because he's fucking dead now, and it's a tale as old as time. You know what they say? A bird in a hand beats two in a dead homeless guy

Speaker 237 in a bush.

Speaker 175 I've been getting a little freakier in the bedroom.

Speaker 243 Recently, I had sex in the Amazon position.

Speaker 243 Yeah, it's pretty hot.

Speaker 237 It's when I'm on top and she's at her phone looking at throw pillows.

Speaker 243 All right, thank thank you guys.

Speaker 117 All right, Matt Rivera.

Speaker 7 The biggest laugh you got there, you shook your head like that. You go,

Speaker 229 why'd you do that?

Speaker 237 I don't know. I was just, yeah.

Speaker 9 Were you surprised?

Speaker 224 I'm surprised that I'm here right now.

Speaker 226 What the fuck is a lightning round, dude?

Speaker 53 Well, you know how you were at that bar across the street and all those people came over here. They got, you saw people leave with a person with a headset.

Speaker 243 I did see all that. I guess it's not going great.

Speaker 112 It's not going great.

Speaker 71 And it's still not going great.

Speaker 173 It is still, as you hear that sweet, sweet sound, it's still not going great.

Speaker 34 I have no more little joke books to give out, but I will give you a bottle.

Speaker 22 This is a bottle of souvenir comedy mothership water.

Speaker 118 Now, it might not seem like much.

Speaker 22 Now I'm going to wait on the cigarette buds.

Speaker 17 This doesn't look like the kind of guy we want to give our DNA to.

Speaker 118 Now this might seem like nothing, but this is actually a $13

Speaker 181 bottle of water.

Speaker 138 Have you ever had a $13 bottle of 20.600 milliliters before?

Speaker 3 No, no, it's impossible to have that small of an amount of water worth $13.

Speaker 22 Only here, a true souvenir, courtesy of the comedy mothership.

Speaker 181 A $13 bottle of water.

Speaker 171 Right when you think Joe Rogan can't get any richer.

Speaker 73 Leave it to a $13 bottle of water, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 24 There's also, it's reusable.

Speaker 148 John Dees has reminded me, as I'm sure the Carrie would, who

Speaker 24 runs the joint, it is reusable.

Speaker 22 That is one of the things that they tell me when I make fun of them for having this bottle of water.

Speaker 24 They go, it's reusable.

Speaker 51 I go, who the fuck is going to fill up?

Speaker 24 Who's drinking this rusty second sloppy...

Speaker 139 All right,

Speaker 79 excellent water.

Speaker 166 Yes, it is delicious.

Speaker 93 High-quality water.

Speaker 73 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 185 Do you drink water sometimes?

Speaker 168 I try to, yeah. There you go.

Speaker 34 There he goes, everybody.

Speaker 69 Matt Ribera.

Speaker 48 We are on number 13.

Speaker 35 It seems like it will never end, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 31 Make some noise for Sean Stewart.

Speaker 73 Number 13.

Speaker 124 Howdy, y'all.

Speaker 103 Howdy. It's crazy.

Speaker 29 Inbreeding used to be cool, right?

Speaker 8 You had to be rich and famous to fuck your cousin.

Speaker 30 A king and a queen, the powerful, fucked their cousins.

Speaker 8 Now they fuck kids on an island.

Speaker 124 Right?

Speaker 8 I'm kind of sad I wasn't invited to that island, though.

Speaker 8 Not as an adult, but as a kid.

Speaker 47 I wanted a Nickelodeon show.

Speaker 8 I think it could have been better than Drake and Josh.

Speaker 124 Right?

Speaker 148 Huh?

Speaker 8 Everybody got real mad when they found out Stephen Hawking went to the island?

Speaker 226 I I don't know why.

Speaker 8 I don't think his dick worked.

Speaker 8 If I was a kid on that island that had got him on my weekly schedule, I'd be kind of pumped.

Speaker 8 Right? You know he gave some bomb ass head.

Speaker 139 Right?

Speaker 124 It was like, harder.

Speaker 124 Deeper.

Speaker 85 Daddy.

Speaker 8 A show would have been great.

Speaker 30 Sean Stewart, everybody.

Speaker 118 You hear that sound?

Speaker 46 We're in a turbo round, Sean.

Speaker 66 So put the mic back in the mic stand.

Speaker 35 You don't have to do an interview.

Speaker 5 You get to go right back to bed where you came from back in your sweatpants.

Speaker 185 Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been on this show multiple times.

Speaker 17 I do believe he's the door guy here.

Speaker 73 This could be the answer we've been looking for in bucket pull number 14.

Speaker 17 It would be crazy if this guy doesn't do good.

Speaker 118 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Adam Lucky.

Speaker 162 Joe Tony, how the fuck we doing, everybody?

Speaker 150 We in it.

Speaker 162 I'm going to do a fucking catchphrase right now. I'm going to go AO.
You guys give me a Shabango. AO!

Speaker 238 Fuck yeah. So the other day I was beating my daughter.

Speaker 52 Aunt Jenga.

Speaker 238 am I right guys no that's a joke she beat me so I punched that bitch in the fucking face ayo

Speaker 238 fuck yeah anyway I don't be fucking that bitch by the way

Speaker 213 I may look like a pedophile but I'm not one which is tough because I do I do have resting I'd be fucking my daughter face which is not easy

Speaker 87 Which I don't like because I got to walk around with that daughter and it's tough because she's not even that hot so it's like damn

Speaker 238 not only do I look like a pedophile I look like a pedophile who can't even pull

Speaker 42 like uh oh

Speaker 168 god damn she may be five years old but she's a four at best am I right

Speaker 168 oh my god I went to the kill Tony show and a guy made a pedophile joke fuck yeah suck it fuck it boys hell yeah

Speaker 118 Now you did good.

Speaker 33 You did good.

Speaker 17 And normally that would be good enough for a big joke book.

Speaker 145 Thanks, Tony. You,

Speaker 53 but I realize that I kind of, it's kind of defeating the purpose having someone that already has a big joke book up.

Speaker 187 Because we are, without a doubt, inside of the Turbo Round.

Speaker 45 It's all good, bro.

Speaker 54 Anything crazy happened since the last time you were on the show?

Speaker 87 Stayed off cocaine.

Speaker 40 Well, congratulations.

Speaker 118 Normally a lot of people that open up with give me a shebang and I'll give an AO are still on cocaine.

Speaker 42 Ironically enough.

Speaker 213 But on the Kratom.

Speaker 79 oh you're on kratom no i'm trying to yes i am on katom yeah

Speaker 84 yeah this is what every addict does now i don't know if you guys have any of these kratom buttons

Speaker 194 yeah yeah so you started with just a little bit right well the kratom yeah no i went in full on hard really yeah because i used to be a painkiller addict so i went in deep okay and so now you're deeper right the addiction only grows a little bit more of a what do you how do you do it a scoop no i'm uh they have these press pills now which is basically just like gas station Vicodin.

Speaker 108 So it's badass.

Speaker 227 They're really cheap, and they make fucking Hey Arnold really funny.

Speaker 138 So I highly suggest.

Speaker 119 And how many does it say to take on the instructions?

Speaker 213 It says two a day, and I'm down to 30 a day.

Speaker 141 You're down?

Speaker 161 No, seriously.

Speaker 213 No, not really.

Speaker 147 No, I'm four a day.

Speaker 194 Tomorrow I'm supposed to quit, go cold turkey, so I'm just going to sweat in my room for four days.

Speaker 215 Have you thought about quitting before this?

Speaker 144 Have you tried at all to quit?

Speaker 147 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 194 But tomorrow's like the day I'm actually going to really try hard, but we'll see.

Speaker 224 No promises.

Speaker 231 Sorry, mom.

Speaker 128 I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 57 It's not going to work.

Speaker 226 No, it probably won't work. I know.

Speaker 206 There's no way you're quitting Kratom tomorrow.

Speaker 208 I mean, I'll do my best.

Speaker 6 You can just feel it in the air.

Speaker 103 Thank you.

Speaker 116 You've tried to quit before.

Speaker 53 How long have you been on this Kratom addiction?

Speaker 134 I mean, overall, probably like six years.

Speaker 33 I was expecting that to be Heidi and and it was James

Speaker 134 I didn't know the show was gonna go for nine hours I know I know it's a crazy one

Speaker 52 hey James all right here we go there he goes thank you

Speaker 156 Adam lucky ladies and gentlemen is multiple appearances on this show we're going until we give away a big joke book a true fucking bucket pool here we go it could be right now there's the lovely Heidi total opposite from James McCann

Speaker 42 Make some noise for

Speaker 156 this is indeed our 15th bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 69 We are one away from the record.

Speaker 42 Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody.

Speaker 165 Luke Nukem.

Speaker 227 Y'all, I think it's safe to say

Speaker 224 life is like toilet paper.

Speaker 128 We all go through it.

Speaker 92 Some more than others.

Speaker 54 They say they don't.

Speaker 2 They got to be full of shit.

Speaker 227 I wouldn't shake their hand.

Speaker 70 That's what I'm saying. That's

Speaker 8 a

Speaker 227 hot take.

Speaker 224 I think cheating is bad.

Speaker 133 I think it's worse women do it.

Speaker 150 A woman will cheat.

Speaker 43 Not even come.

Speaker 157 It's fuck.

Speaker 227 Like guys, guys are so gross.

Speaker 244 Like they'll be like, oh, just a fucking pussy. Like yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 48 Oh, you know what that means. Do you want a cigarette butt?

Speaker 36 Do you want one of Red Band's cigarette butts?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Here you go.

Speaker 138 Bam.

Speaker 17 All right, there he goes. Luke Nukem, everybody.

Speaker 241 We're in the turbo round, Luke.

Speaker 48 I don't know if you hear that noise.

Speaker 41 Keep the volume up.

Speaker 10 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 76 A woman will cheat and not even come was like a beautiful poem or something, you know?

Speaker 46 Hold on, let me make sure I have this correct.

Speaker 188 9, 10, 11, 12, 13,

Speaker 187 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

Speaker 66 This is it, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 This will tie the record for all-time.

Speaker 209 Are you guys excited to be here at a record-setting episode?

Speaker 159 How long has it been? 12 and a half?

Speaker 156 Sorry, June 2013.

Speaker 26 What is that?

Speaker 166 12 years?

Speaker 70 I don't know.

Speaker 118 We've been doing this show a long time.

Speaker 42 This will be...

Speaker 22 This will tie the all-time amount of bucket pulls.

Speaker 156 This should be your final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 125 Make some noise for Bruce Dutor, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 128 I'm in it for Bruce.

Speaker 196 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 245 Soak it in, ladies.

Speaker 245 This is what Jeff Bezos would look like without any money.

Speaker 242 This is the improvement. I've lost 60 pounds, but I didn't get the results I wanted.

Speaker 227 I ended up with loose skin.

Speaker 242 I wanted a tight-toned stomach. I ended up with a belly that looks like a used grocery bag.

Speaker 245 Yeah, you know, if my body was an amusement park, it would be six red flags.

Speaker 245 Shit, you know?

Speaker 236 And everything's going crazy now.

Speaker 245 Everybody's like, oh, the fuck Trump's in office.

Speaker 87 But, you know, I'm looking forward to it because, quite frankly, I like Hispanic women.

Speaker 245 With all this talk of deportation, there's got to be somebody cute out there that wants a green card, you know.

Speaker 202 He just renamed the Gulf of

Speaker 191 Mexico to the Gulf of America.

Speaker 239 I can't wait to see what he does next.

Speaker 96 There's a body of water that borders the west coast of this great country.

Speaker 203 We're going to call it the Great American Ocean.

Speaker 203 What are you going to call the one on the other side?

Speaker 96 The Other American Ocean.

Speaker 93 That's what we'll call it.

Speaker 33 It's a tough predicament. It is a tough predicament.
Bucket pull number 16 coming out with that head.

Speaker 41 I mean, you are so funny looking.

Speaker 22 It's almost not fair, the amount of laughter that you get looking the way that you do.

Speaker 116 You are a funny-looking guy, and you're aware of it.

Speaker 245 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh.

Speaker 157 Take it away.

Speaker 103 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 30 So you're a real guy, huh, Bruce?

Speaker 245 Some of my exes would disagree, but fuck those bitches.

Speaker 29 I love it.

Speaker 23 My goodness, and I see the extra skin.

Speaker 206 It's there on your neck.

Speaker 42 It's there, too.

Speaker 149 What's the most you ever weighed?

Speaker 245 About 250.

Speaker 213 About 250. How'd you lose the weight?

Speaker 53 What is your secret?

Speaker 245 I just diet and exercise. Okay.
Anything you enjoy in life, stop doing it.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 75 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 245 I used to be an automotive and now I'm just pursuing comedy and mooching off my trust fund.

Speaker 143 Okay.

Speaker 33 How much do you have in the trust fund?

Speaker 53 How much do you have saved up in your trust fund?

Speaker 245 I basically live on about $2,500 a month.

Speaker 74 Okay. Is that what all they give you? Is that what you're allotted?

Speaker 245 Pretty much, yeah.

Speaker 53 Okay, so your trust fund, you get like a monthly thing. They didn't want to give it to you all at once.

Speaker 245 Yeah, I get like a monthly stipend and then what little bit I make off of uh comedy and so forth.

Speaker 53 A little bit of acting here and there. And the trust fund was from your parents?

Speaker 203 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 184 Okay, and

Speaker 53 your father passed away?

Speaker 54 No, he's still around.

Speaker 139 It'll be way better when he goes.

Speaker 67 Okay, that makes sense.

Speaker 92 I love you, Dad.

Speaker 245 I know you're not watching, but I love you.

Speaker 83 Please stick around.

Speaker 50 That makes sense.

Speaker 215 Tell us more about your life, Bruce.

Speaker 53 You seem like a guy that's been divorced a lot. Oh,

Speaker 245 I'll tell you the closest I've ever been to marriage was I was going to ask a girl, I said, I need to ask you a question. She said, dear God, please don't ask me to marry you.

Speaker 245 That wasn't the question. The question was, Have you been cheating on me? And she did say yes.

Speaker 53 Why do you think she was cheating on you?

Speaker 245 Because she was a fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 245 She introduced me to the guy, too. She's like, You got to come meet this guy.
He looks exactly like you.

Speaker 23 Did he look exactly like you?

Speaker 245 He was a little taller, but apparently he wasn't as good as in bed because she called me later to complain that he couldn't make her come.

Speaker 215 And you could make her come.

Speaker 245 Apparently, not good enough.

Speaker 239 I don't know.

Speaker 5 It's such an interesting predicament.

Speaker 75 What are your secrets to

Speaker 70 making a woman come?

Speaker 245 Teach me, Bruce.

Speaker 245 Just work the tongue just desperately until they either tell you to stop or are such a good enough actress you believe they're not faking.

Speaker 245 Okay.

Speaker 245 Ah, shit.

Speaker 80 I think we should just give up.

Speaker 188 You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time?

Speaker 50 All right.

Speaker 113 this is indeed a record this is officially a record-setting episode bruce dotore goes on to the next one you know what we're gonna do while we go wrangle that person i'm gonna bring to the stage just to show you that it is possible to kill i'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show who would normally close the show just to show you that comedy can be done ladies and gentlemen one of the greatest regulars ever here with a brand new minute this young man,

Speaker 17 I promise you, will one day be a citizen of the United States of America. One of the shining stars of the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 16 This is the Estonian assassin,

Speaker 159 Ari Mati.

Speaker 168 I took the bus last week

Speaker 162 and I sit in the back of the bus and I think I'm alone on the bus

Speaker 42 until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there

Speaker 243 and he has the

Speaker 239 down

Speaker 79 syndrome

Speaker 162 and not say nothing bad about him

Speaker 229 he just got it

Speaker 182 And he notices me too.

Speaker 178 And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first

Speaker 168 is a pussy.

Speaker 182 And you know me, dog.

Speaker 169 If you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck you back.

Speaker 95 So I stare this motherfucker down

Speaker 183 and we keep going

Speaker 47 I missed my stop

Speaker 138 now who's retarded huh

Speaker 182 and it was one of those buses you know where the middle part has this slinky accordion

Speaker 162 so every time the bus would turn

Speaker 162 me and my guy would lose each other

Speaker 147 And then every time it's straightened out,

Speaker 136 there he is.

Speaker 162 The only moment he broke eye contact was because in one of the bus stops from the middle door, a lady

Speaker 95 enters the bus.

Speaker 178 And she has, I don't even know how to say this, but she's got

Speaker 182 They were so big that the tits were on the bus.

Speaker 223 She almost missed it.

Speaker 42 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 106 And me and my guy, we like both at the same time,

Speaker 182 we like both look at the tits.

Speaker 191 And brother, when we looked back at each other,

Speaker 164 the connection

Speaker 90 we had

Speaker 81 That's how perverted men are

Speaker 202 It's in our DNA

Speaker 81 Because I got a high school diploma and he thinks mirrors are another room

Speaker 168 But at that point we were both like

Speaker 90 So ladies get those milkers out and bring this country together.

Speaker 162 Thank you so much.

Speaker 50 Proof.

Speaker 49 Proof that it's possible.

Speaker 157 Thank you.

Speaker 48 Three minutes of brand new material

Speaker 206 after doing tens and tens of minutes before on the show's history.

Speaker 26 Take note.

Speaker 171 16 bucket pools we've been through.

Speaker 170 Nobody had one minute, like any minute of your three minutes.

Speaker 53 And you've done this.

Speaker 80 I mean, people like me, I have an advantage.

Speaker 118 Well, yeah, no, I know that.

Speaker 47 I'm just saying, this is a wild episode.

Speaker 149 Have you been keeping track?

Speaker 161 I'm sure you've been back there waiting for us.

Speaker 223 I was listening, but I had to go.

Speaker 95 I had to walk.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 169 Dude, I was starting to bomb.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 191 You know, when you listen to comedy, you're like, what? This is...

Speaker 42 Stand up, people.

Speaker 30 Yeah. What are we doing? Exactly.

Speaker 76 I was starting to think it was me.

Speaker 83 I thought I was bringing that.

Speaker 13 No, James.

Speaker 240 Dude!

Speaker 142 Ari,

Speaker 146 why don't you put the mic in the mic stand?

Speaker 48 Why don't you sit in next to James and join us? Let's get through the rest of it together.

Speaker 16 Let's just see what happens here.

Speaker 209 You want a drink?

Speaker 48 What do you want to drink, Ari?

Speaker 89 Order a drink.

Speaker 39 We might be here a while.

Speaker 21 What do you want to drink, Ari?

Speaker 89 What do you want to drink?

Speaker 96 Uh, whiskey and soda water.

Speaker 166 Can I get the whiskey and soda water?

Speaker 34 We're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 119 Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially a record.

Speaker 17 Your 17th bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Zach Myers, everybody.

Speaker 227 What's up?

Speaker 216 Uh, so recently I've been banging this cancer bitch.

Speaker 39 Yep.

Speaker 216 But she's not one of those leukemia hoes. She was just born in July.

Speaker 158 Yep.

Speaker 216 The issue with her, though, is she does have cancer, and I'm just not into that.

Speaker 216 How much can you expect me to care when I can't get to second base? Because she's already at stage four.

Speaker 216 They cut cut her tits off too quick.

Speaker 245 Thank you.

Speaker 216 And a lot of my buddies will be like, well, why are you even into her, bro? And I tell them, you know, it's simple.

Speaker 216 As an Arabic, I find it sexy how easily she got in the terminal.

Speaker 37 That means your minute is up.

Speaker 42 The cat is gone and the slot chime is in because we are in turbo mode.

Speaker 53 There was one point in the middle of your set where you said thank you.

Speaker 229 Did you remember that? Yes, sir.

Speaker 144 They were laughing because of the way that Ari Maddie was laughing

Speaker 71 at the overall thing.

Speaker 154 There was a part where James laughed because you did a cancer, the

Speaker 133 what do they call that?

Speaker 82 After this show, I'm going to have to just stare into a flower for half an hour.

Speaker 128 There's good news.

Speaker 149 There's good news.

Speaker 53 The show is never going to end.

Speaker 25 Give it up for Zach Myers as it continues.

Speaker 158 He looks like a vampire, huh?

Speaker 33 We are in deep, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 37 There goes Zach Myers back to...

Speaker 161 He's going to live a thousand years.

Speaker 43 Back to the movie Twilight He Goes.

Speaker 226 Did we get that...

Speaker 156 Has that bucket pull come back yet?

Speaker 73 You need another name?

Speaker 122 Oh, boy.

Speaker 34 Red Band wants to get out of here so badly.

Speaker 17 The noises that he's making. Thank God he's not in control of the show.

Speaker 28 Am I right? Yay!

Speaker 73 just hand it off there's there you go

Speaker 70 we're having fun here let's kill some time hold on a second here hold on a second all right maddie have you been on the road lately what have you been doing yeah i went to denver like this weekend oh yeah comedy works downtown wonderful literally i say the best built comedy club in the world

Speaker 116 Did you feel that way?

Speaker 222 Yeah, it was crazy hot, the crowd.

Speaker 233 You get a bit too confident up there, maybe, you know, after some shows.

Speaker 7 It is ridiculous.

Speaker 106 I didn't like the Denver airport, though.

Speaker 191 You know, an airport where you take a flight and then you got to take a train?

Speaker 191 Bro, we flew 1,800 miles.

Speaker 125 Can we fly two more?

Speaker 125 Take me there!

Speaker 95 No, baby. Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train.

Speaker 88 Pittsburgh Airport. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport.
Bang!

Speaker 94 I'm on a train. I love it.

Speaker 79 I love it.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 87 We're going to find a superstar here tonight.

Speaker 118 Can you feel it?

Speaker 13 I can feel the energy.

Speaker 223 Hey, don't you guys think James looks like a cute dog with glasses?

Speaker 149 He does have that guy.

Speaker 30 You have that dog?

Speaker 181 You do. Yeah, you do.

Speaker 76 It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me.

Speaker 79 I appreciate it.

Speaker 177 Which one of us is going going to get a green card first, huh?

Speaker 29 Fight!

Speaker 17 People are leaving, huh?

Speaker 31 Because they think the show's over or something.

Speaker 34 Someone should make an announcement there at the bar that the show is continuing until somebody does good.

Speaker 24 Here, I'll give you two, because let's face it,

Speaker 30 we're probably going to go through.

Speaker 25 And

Speaker 118 if the first one does better before the second one, then we'll put the second one up next week or something.

Speaker 166 We're going to stay here all fucking night

Speaker 120 for those of you getting thirsty out there let me remind you that this is a reusable bottle of water it is $13 shocking shocking but it's reusable so you know something to keep in mind plus it has a mothership logo on it I mean look at that who what's not to love about a hook hey lady you want to do the secret show Thursday wow a woman from the audience You do?

Speaker 118 Did you sign up?

Speaker 161 Do you do comedy?

Speaker 3 Oh, it's a shame.

Speaker 35 I'll bet you're funnier than everybody without being prepared.

Speaker 17 Do you think you have a minute?

Speaker 79 Do you think you have... Who here has a minute, huh?

Speaker 120 Do you think you have 20 seconds?

Speaker 69 Should we get somebody who looks funny?

Speaker 118 Did you sign up, sir?

Speaker 17 You did?

Speaker 5 What's your name?

Speaker 31 All right, ladies and gentlemen, make so noise for Brandon Ferris.

Speaker 48 We are doing this tonight.

Speaker 49 Let's go, Brian Gone.

Speaker 42 This guy literally just said, I can do it.

Speaker 81 Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 119 We will be here all night until somebody who hasn't been on this show before does good.

Speaker 17 This is the Kill Tony debut of Brandon Ferris.

Speaker 229 I've been told I have resting Republican face.

Speaker 132 I look like I buy my daughter black baby dolls because

Speaker 245 February and black issue month.

Speaker 124 So good.

Speaker 157 So good.

Speaker 29 Get out of here.

Speaker 172 Get out of here, Brandon.

Speaker 48 Put the mic back in the mic.

Speaker 138 Okay, Brandon.

Speaker 172 You said it's not.

Speaker 173 Put the mic back where you found it.

Speaker 47 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 73 Get out of here.

Speaker 172 Now get back to your fucking seat.

Speaker 161 He lost confidence in four seconds.

Speaker 42 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 161 This is unbelievable.

Speaker 156 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool.

Speaker 206 I do believe this is fucking number 20 or something.

Speaker 36 I don't know what's going on here.

Speaker 182 Make some noise.

Speaker 25 Oh, we know this guy.

Speaker 41 There's okay, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Dubs general, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 34 Bucket full number 20, dubs general. I can already tell you.

Speaker 188 We have another one coming.

Speaker 93 So, boy, people.

Speaker 182 I'm new to dating.

Speaker 132 Are y'all still afraid of AIDS out here?

Speaker 137 I've been fucking these ratchet bitches lately and I was in

Speaker 191 with her and I was getting it in.

Speaker 79 I was trying to get in.

Speaker 42 I was

Speaker 128 fuck y'all, that's how I fuck.

Speaker 238 And she said,

Speaker 80 I kept fucking. I didn't give a shit.
I kept fucking.

Speaker 80 I'm not finna do this with y'all.

Speaker 228 Thank y'all very much.

Speaker 138 Y'all have yourself great.

Speaker 49 There he goes, Dubs General, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 48 You can go, dubs. We're in turbo round right now.

Speaker 166 We are flying through it.

Speaker 42 Go ahead. What the fuck, what's that?

Speaker 34 Are you guys having fun still, huh?

Speaker 15 Yeah!

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 73 I've lost count.

Speaker 188 I literally have to count the days.

Speaker 163 We are in it.

Speaker 26 Make some noise for Eric Bell, everybody.

Speaker 17 This could be the one.

Speaker 18 Eric Bell.

Speaker 231 So my oldest daughter just turned 13 recently and into a little bitch.

Speaker 231 Guys, is it still illegal in the state to attempt to sell your child to a wealthy old childless couple? Even if they're white?

Speaker 216 What? She gets a new and better life.

Speaker 140 I get a new Corvette 3 LT.

Speaker 134 I told that one online. I didn't go viral.

Speaker 137 I did get a haha like, however, a friend request and a comment asking, where can we see more of your material?

Speaker 229 From Texas Child Protective Services.

Speaker 233 Ladies, I'm dating.

Speaker 162 I get it.

Speaker 178 All right, I've been collecting that spread feedback from you, ladies, for a long time now.

Speaker 52 I get it.

Speaker 232 It's not the face is closing ass with you. But you have to be so goddamn mean about it.

Speaker 231 A woman told this to me recently. This wasn't a date.

Speaker 232 This was over the phone, me trying to live free out in the wild.

Speaker 231 She said, eric your looks are not that special

Speaker 15 another minute from eric bell

Speaker 42 now let me just say something here call me hard let me say something it's crazy because just a week ago and you can go back you can go back one episode right now those of you watching on youtube you could go back one episode jim norton and tony caruso right here just a week ago and i

Speaker 73 only one of the bucket pools got a little jokebook literally eight out of nine or whatever it was or nine out of ten or seven out of eight got big joke books and still as it continues there's still not one there goes Eric Bell thank you Eric we're in turbo round right now

Speaker 39 I'm gonna count it just for our own sake I'm counting it counting it somebody say something while I count talk about something the goodwill has left my body someone needs to be great

Speaker 39 Come on!

Speaker 102 I peed up my football.

Speaker 162 But if you want good comedy, James McCann, new special, out now.

Speaker 15 Hey, America.

Speaker 159 That is true.

Speaker 46 Hey America.

Speaker 156 Go to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on YouTube.

Speaker 173 By the way, this episode is brought to you by Baya and Blue Chew.

Speaker 35 And this is literally your 20th bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 119 This has to get us out of here.

Speaker 17 Do you feel it? This could be the one.

Speaker 10 But stay strong.

Speaker 50 Be real.

Speaker 16 This is a minute from Aaron Spaller, everybody.

Speaker 50 Aaron Spaller, number 20.

Speaker 229 Have y'all seen these Honda Civics driving around?

Speaker 231 They got that big-ass spoiler.

Speaker 177 Really loud exhaust on it and all these stickers.

Speaker 137 And it's this shitty little car.

Speaker 178 It's trying so hard to be a race car,

Speaker 178 but it just can't do anything that a race car can do.

Speaker 177 Shit's really annoying, right?

Speaker 177 Yeah, it's the same way I feel about trans women, too.

Speaker 42 I feel like I just walked into a fucking fire right now.

Speaker 102 Breathe.

Speaker 102 Alright.

Speaker 177 Something I've learned living in this city.

Speaker 44 I'm gonna cut you off right there.

Speaker 34 Aaron Spoller.

Speaker 21 There he goes, Aaron.

Speaker 17 You seem like you'd be a very fun interview, but I gotta keep it moving.

Speaker 73 I don't know if you hear the slot chimes, but we're in turbo mode.

Speaker 35 Red man has low blood sugar right now.

Speaker 20 He wants to go home.

Speaker 166 This is bucket pole number 21.

Speaker 17 It's a female comedian.

Speaker 19 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ashley Palmer, everybody.

Speaker 73 I'm a doctor.

Speaker 65 In Canada, which means the government pays me to stick my finger at people's butts.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 130 Gotta wear a glove, though.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Morphine is addictive. Western Medicine tried to solve this with heroin.

Speaker 124 Oops.

Speaker 65 It was sold over the counter to treat coughs in children.

Speaker 65 It worked. You know? It also helped kids learn how to write

Speaker 65 a lowercase N.

Speaker 65 N is for nap time.

Speaker 65 N is for Nancy didn't wake up from nap time.

Speaker 65 But don't worry.

Speaker 65 Morphine's been replaced. I'm sorry.

Speaker 176 Don't worry.

Speaker 65 Heroin's been replaced by its non-addictive cousin, fentanyl.

Speaker 65 Modern medicine. We just keep getting better.

Speaker 106 I'm sorry, how old are you?

Speaker 65 I'm 30.

Speaker 223 Even if a guy fucks you, he should still be on a list, You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 40 That is true.

Speaker 29 My man looking for loopholes.

Speaker 23 It is incredible.

Speaker 33 This is what free health care gets you, ladies and gentlemen. Imagine walking in, and this is your doctor.

Speaker 2 Are you like a general health doctor?

Speaker 65 Well, yeah, I work.

Speaker 65 I'm a general practitioner. I work up north, so I do like clinic, emergency room, and in the hospital in a rural place.

Speaker 27 Is that weird to be a white doctor in Canada?

Speaker 87 I hear it's mostly Chinese.

Speaker 65 There's a lot of white South African doctors.

Speaker 98 Interesting.

Speaker 65 Yeah,

Speaker 65 they're really good.

Speaker 71 Why do you think the South Africans are so good at being doctors?

Speaker 65 It's their training programs. Yeah, they're just intense.

Speaker 139 Yeah.

Speaker 53 The colleges in South Africa?

Speaker 65 Yeah, I think it's kind of like a trial-by-fire type of thing, so they're just good at handling situations.

Speaker 30 I can't believe you've killed another one.

Speaker 42 You're shameful.

Speaker 95 You would do what that teacher told you to do.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 95 Yep. What was your schooling like?

Speaker 33 Super Canadian?

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 146 Now, a lot of people don't know this, but I study the Canadian healthcare system because they brag about how good it is.

Speaker 41 And I like to do my own research just to make sure that I live in the greatest country on planet Earth. And I do.

Speaker 23 I don't know if you guys know this, but Canada...

Speaker 57 does suicides now for anybody that wants one.

Speaker 120 Am I correct?

Speaker 133 No.

Speaker 27 Okay, correct me where I'm wrong.

Speaker 65 It's like, it's called MAID, which is medical assistance in dying, and no one's ever approached me about it, but it's like

Speaker 53 you just said, at an emergency, like urgent care thing, so they would go to a hospital or a normal actual professional, actual real money-making full-time doctor.

Speaker 65 I work in a clinic, too.

Speaker 170 Yeah, no, I know.

Speaker 41 They wouldn't go to like a free clinic for that.

Speaker 7 They would just be like, hey, everything's free everywhere.

Speaker 41 Like what you're saying at clinic, that's just like the minor league hospital, right?

Speaker 111 No.

Speaker 111 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 54 What's the difference between a clinic and and a hospital?

Speaker 65 I work in a hospital also.

Speaker 138 What do you do at the hospital?

Speaker 65 Inpatient care.

Speaker 116 Is that the people that would kill themselves?

Speaker 65 Sometimes, yeah, I guess so. Yeah, because it's like for

Speaker 65 terminal illnesses that cause like a lot of suffering.

Speaker 233 I know 21 people who want to get that.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Yeah, I've talked to multiple Canadian doctors and civilians that live in Canada, and they have all known someone or know people or have assigned it.

Speaker 65 You haven't? No, I know people who have, but I've just never had a patient approach

Speaker 65 to make this clear so that everybody understands in Canada it's not you're sick with something and dying from something that would make you kill yourself like here in America you have to be dying in order to have other people help you kill yourself in Canada you just have to be sad correct Oh no, but that's something they've talked about, which would be really fucked up if it's like that became a thing and then like you don't accept like psychedelic medicines, which are really really like you know you know what i mean like it sounds like you're in denial that your health care system in canada is so wild that sad people just get to kill themselves and then they schedule them to kill themselves where's the air horn when you need it yeah i i don't know if that's like in practice yet but that's a dark dystopian potential

Speaker 23 hold on i believe it is hold on you say that it's a dark dystopian potential and that it's not in use can you describe what made is then oh but it's just not for sad people.

Speaker 65 It's like for suffering, but for, or for like physical pain.

Speaker 74 Do you think you have to have physical pain to do it there?

Speaker 65 I think so.

Speaker 139 You're wrong.

Speaker 55 Okay.

Speaker 65 That's possible.

Speaker 10 You could just be sad.

Speaker 163 Oh.

Speaker 53 I know more about your system than you because I have a bit about it that I'm purposefully not doing because I don't want to leak it here because I want to do it on a thing one day.

Speaker 144 Yeah.

Speaker 184 But I would go into it and it works.

Speaker 70 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 53 But the point is, is the premise is what's most important. Here's what's crazy is not only this is going to be interesting for you

Speaker 193 Not only do Canadians do this over 2,000 actually over between 1,500 and 2,000 people did it in 2024 and again This is no physical ailment.

Speaker 213 This is just being sad

Speaker 189 I wish I was in Canada right now.

Speaker 90 I know that's

Speaker 84 that was the joke that I implied 28 seconds ago Now,

Speaker 22 perfect timing, by the way, to do that then.

Speaker 154 But But they schedule you.

Speaker 23 So literally, it's not like you go into the hospital and you're like, I want to kill myself.

Speaker 53 And they're like, come on, we'll do it.

Speaker 184 They schedule you for a later date.

Speaker 5 They have to process stuff and do things.

Speaker 53 So they're literally like, okay, come back on this date and we will help you kill yourself. And people have to wait.
And that's Canadian.

Speaker 65 Or you go to their home.

Speaker 139 Really? Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 95 The service with a smile up there in Canada.

Speaker 17 They do it.

Speaker 128 They go to their home.

Speaker 42 Home visitors.

Speaker 78 But what's the weapon?

Speaker 65 It's an injectable drug.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 44 And you've never done it, though.

Speaker 138 No.

Speaker 191 You know, in Finland, they have the highest rates of suicides in the world.

Speaker 178 And also last year, the happiest country in the world. Suicide works.

Speaker 34 No doubt about it.

Speaker 68 All right, we're gonna keep it moving.

Speaker 21 There goes Ashley Palmer, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 17 Thank you, Ashley.

Speaker 44 Welcome to America.

Speaker 89 We're gonna keep it moving here.

Speaker 34 This is fucking pool.

Speaker 35 I don't know, again, I think it's 21, maybe. Owen Galiban, everybody.

Speaker 17 Owen Galiban.

Speaker 128 Hey, everybody.

Speaker 47 Because I think registered sex offenders are like really dumb.

Speaker 224 Yeah, I'm never gonna register.

Speaker 227 That's my little secret, you guys.

Speaker 227 For real, though, I don't know how we landed on the term registered sex offenders.

Speaker 224 Feels a little soft for what they actually are.

Speaker 89 Could have easily went with convicted sex offenders, but we went with registered for some reason.

Speaker 227 Why are we making it sound like they're sex offenders that did all the proper paperwork?

Speaker 224 Like, you register to vote, you register a weapon, you register your car.

Speaker 47 I don't think a cop's ever walked up on a sexual assault, like license and registration.

Speaker 162 He's like, oh shit, that actually checks out.

Speaker 38 My bad.

Speaker 227 Didn't realize you had all your ducks in a row.

Speaker 148 All right. Thanks.

Speaker 47 I like that one.

Speaker 159 You like that one?

Speaker 50 That was a good one. Really?

Speaker 160 Yeah,

Speaker 162 there was like clever stuff.

Speaker 105 I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Speaker 138 Yes. Really?

Speaker 24 Am I losing my fucking mind right now?

Speaker 138 He's fine.

Speaker 76 Reggie's third sex.

Speaker 73 All right, we're gonna keep it moving.

Speaker 17 There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 44 We're in turbo round.

Speaker 17 I don't believe you.

Speaker 44 I think Red Band's just trying to go home.

Speaker 35 Make some noise for Nate Mueller, everybody.

Speaker 17 Nate Mueller.

Speaker 42 Joe Rogan's Comedy Club.

Speaker 242 Oh my God.

Speaker 158 What a seed.

Speaker 17 That's it.

Speaker 73 The episode's over, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 We're done.

Speaker 159 We did it.

Speaker 165 Brought to you by Baya and Blue Chew.

Speaker 165 James McCann's new special.

Speaker 13 We believe.

Speaker 220 Bonnie, we don't give up with a going guitar.

Speaker 220 We keep going until greatness is achieved.

Speaker 220 I'm sorry, Richmond. We never got

Speaker 220 All right.

Speaker 50 Alright, everything stop, man. Stop.

Speaker 36 Okay, let's ignore the Joe Rogan's Club.

Speaker 86 You do.

Speaker 37 Start from the top. Let's go.
Skip the Joe Rogan's Club. Do your material.

Speaker 70 Go.

Speaker 245 Unfortunately, that was my material.

Speaker 216 He's built a beautiful scene down here, so I moved.

Speaker 85 Okay, there he goes, everybody.

Speaker 199 There he goes. That's okay.

Speaker 34 All right. Nate Mueller, everybody.

Speaker 241 There he goes.

Speaker 118 You're in a special turbo round, Nate. Nope.

Speaker 138 No bombing. I've never seen it.
It was too late.

Speaker 158 Look like this.

Speaker 50 This is a...

Speaker 17 All that I had written on this when I came up here was Martin Phillips and Ari Maddie.

Speaker 220 We're a part of history now.

Speaker 90 This isn't a normal Kill Tiny episode.

Speaker 220 This is a historically bad Kill Tiny episode.

Speaker 138 And from the corpse a flower must grow.

Speaker 91 You know what's going to be great next week?

Speaker 168 It's going to be all bucket kills.

Speaker 92 They're killing.

Speaker 220 Do you have an appointment to go to?

Speaker 161 no he has nothing in the world no i just have to he has to do he has to do vr in like a few days or something for a little bit he has absolutely less than nothing to do there's no one i know that has less to do than actually red man

Speaker 37 he's very excited to drink and complain about his night tonight that's all he has to do right it's my fault guys i'm sorry no it's not your fault

Speaker 88 the next great comedian in america is behind that curtain well not yet they're not there There might be six or seven people behind that curtain.

Speaker 13 There might be a hundred and fifty-four more people behind that curtain.

Speaker 99 But I believe the greatness is gonna walk out of here tonight.

Speaker 118 Is there anybody else inside that signed up?

Speaker 41 What are they pointing at?

Speaker 46 You did?

Speaker 109 You did?

Speaker 146 What's your name?

Speaker 22 Jeff Scott?

Speaker 66 Wow, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeff Scott.

Speaker 17 This could be the one, everybody. Do you believe in miracles?

Speaker 245 All right.

Speaker 225 I was watching a documentary before the show, but it got a little depressing, so I had to turn it off. But it turns out dolphins will have sex with just about anything.

Speaker 225 Like, they're extremely horny creatures.

Speaker 225 And it kind of bummed me out, dude. I just thought what me and Flipper had was special, you know? I have herpes now, bastard.

Speaker 225 I really am trying to improve myself right now, though. I uh quit playing video games, no more smoking weed, or you know,

Speaker 225 no more drinking. I started going to church, and that means no more masturbating, you know, especially no more jerking off.

Speaker 225 In fact, if I'm gonna have sex from now on, I only want it to be the Lord's way.

Speaker 222 I just wish the priests would, you know, take it easy on me, dude.

Speaker 225 I haven't felt a fart since Easter.

Speaker 42 That's all I got.

Speaker 9 Okay, go back to your seat, John.

Speaker 17 We are in turbo.

Speaker 42 It's crazy for the girlfriend, huh?

Speaker 42 Dude,

Speaker 223 I saw you have a panic attack there.

Speaker 20 I'd like to give a special shout out to a special guest that's here tonight who told me 18 years ago when I said that I wanted to start stand-up, that I'm going to go to a local open mic in Burbank and start and he told me start at the comedy store he's visiting tonight first time I've seen him in Austin first time I've seen him in years how to hand for Jeff LaBeouf up there visiting everybody

Speaker 17 old friend you're not gonna see him don't turn around it's dark up there it's a VIP balcony you peasants don't get to lay your eyes on him All right, back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 20 Make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody.

Speaker 29 Marvin Izzy.

Speaker 29 Yam.

Speaker 110 We here.

Speaker 231 I smoke weed.

Speaker 222 That's something me and my father used to do. Smoke weed and laugh.

Speaker 235 Smoke weed and laugh.

Speaker 230 But we can't do it no more because his lungs can't take it like he used to.

Speaker 162 Because he's dead, right?

Speaker 222 Smoke so much, he's ashes now.

Speaker 42 Don't feel bad, though.

Speaker 235 I got a quarter pound of him in my living room.

Speaker 230 My little sister hit me up.

Speaker 222 Was like, I want some of his ashes so I could put in a locket.

Speaker 230 I was like, I'll sell you an A for 60.

Speaker 222 I want me and my wife to have a kid so I can know what the race of my baby is going to turn out to be.

Speaker 222 I'll say race because I'm Puerto Rican and my wife is Honduran. So if you use your mixed race calculator, Puerto Rico plus Honduras equals Mexican.

Speaker 88 Cuban, if you carry the one,

Speaker 222 y'all think I'm joking. That mixed race calculator for real.
Like, if you get a Chinese person and a Jamaican, you get a Filipino.

Speaker 222 You get an African and a Venezuelan, you get a Haitian.

Speaker 222 If you get a Colombian and a Cuban, that's just a very serious cokehead in front of you.

Speaker 222 Just letting you know that shit right now.

Speaker 148 Yeah!

Speaker 81 Yippee!

Speaker 49 What was it?

Speaker 67 Marvin Izzy.

Speaker 40 Yes, sir.

Speaker 156 Is it Honduran or Honduran?

Speaker 222 Potato, potato.

Speaker 134 Okay.

Speaker 29 We're in a turbo round right now, Marvin.

Speaker 153 We're going to keep it moving.

Speaker 66 There you go. Yum!

Speaker 40 He's got a catchphrase, everybody.

Speaker 89 It is yum.

Speaker 48 A little fun fact.

Speaker 28 Jeff Scott was pulled out of the bucket just now.

Speaker 103 So Destiny is right on cue.

Speaker 5 Ladies and gentlemen, we have...

Speaker 142 Are you guys still alive?

Speaker 43 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Caesar Leone, everybody. Caesar Caesar Leone.

Speaker 21 This is we are in.

Speaker 47 Oh my God.

Speaker 69 All right.

Speaker 24 Caesar Leone.

Speaker 233 Alrighty.

Speaker 239 Good evening, Austin.

Speaker 178 Where are all my Latinos at?

Speaker 203 Ah, see,

Speaker 216 you guys see how easy it was to round us all up?

Speaker 203 Right?

Speaker 178 We can't help but express pride.

Speaker 239 And I feel like in this day and age, we kind of need to take lessons from Italians of the past century, you know?

Speaker 203 Kind of go incognito until white people forget about us.

Speaker 239 Eventually, they'll accept us.

Speaker 203 Because if you think about it, an old school Italian is basically just a wet back with a towel.

Speaker 93 No?

Speaker 191 Alrighty then, moving forward.

Speaker 239 But seriously, now that Trump is in office and these ICE raids have started all over the country, we kind of need to be a little bit more vigilant as Latinos, you know?

Speaker 183 Whenever we go, scout out the area, be aware, learn to read the room, not just just clean it.

Speaker 97 Alright, but alrighty then.

Speaker 33 Caesar Leone, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Caesar Leone.

Speaker 34 There he goes.

Speaker 70 We're in a turbo round. No interview for you, Caesar.

Speaker 37 This is fucking crazy.

Speaker 205 This is an absolute mathematical fucking anomaly.

Speaker 24 We don't go through this many bad bucket pools in a month.

Speaker 33 Not to mention an episode.

Speaker 75 This is absolutely crazy.

Speaker 33 Ari, what's the report coming in?

Speaker 36 Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 48 Is there perhaps a band member that has a minute?

Speaker 185 Any of the horn players got anything?

Speaker 36 You got something?

Speaker 3 No, these fucking guys.

Speaker 69 Deep Madness is wasted right now.

Speaker 11 There's no way.

Speaker 20 Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Speaker 73 Back to the bucket.

Speaker 153 This is the show you wanted to go to.

Speaker 156 Trust me.

Speaker 42 I wanted to be done an hour ago.

Speaker 26 Make some noise for Matt Puchits...

Speaker 49 Puchitsty.

Speaker 138 Matt Pucitski.

Speaker 246 My wife does these charcoal face scrubs. Ladies, you've probably heard of them.
Apparently they work wonders because she does them every night. I'll just be chilling, watching Netflix before bed.

Speaker 246 She's walking around full black face, not batting an eye.

Speaker 246 I'm like, Whoa, babe, I'm trying to watch Django Unchained right now.

Speaker 132 You're totally ruining the vibe.

Speaker 42 All right, cool, guys.

Speaker 246 There's a family of immigrants behind that curtain.

Speaker 118 If you don't laugh, I'm gonna have to tickle them very hard to get sound bites.

Speaker 246 All right, the worst is when she does these charcoal face scrubs.

Speaker 72 Matt, we're just going to keep it moving.

Speaker 173 We're in a turbo round.

Speaker 10 We need it, Killer.

Speaker 31 It's a special part of a special show.

Speaker 166 Thank you.

Speaker 89 And you,

Speaker 34 there we go.

Speaker 89 We're going to keep it flying along.

Speaker 185 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 42 We are almost double the record.

Speaker 166 This is Mario Zapata, everybody.

Speaker 34 Mario Zapata.

Speaker 34 Here we go.

Speaker 247 I don't know if you guys can tell, but I used to be Hispanic.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 247 My full name is Mario Alejandro Zapata Diaz.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 247 You know who gives me the most shit about being pale? Is other Hispanic people.

Speaker 162 It was like, why are you so pale?

Speaker 235 And I'm like, well, my family flew here.

Speaker 247 HBO is remaking Harry Potter. Fans are concerned because they want to cast a black actor as Snape.
Because in the book, it says ask a ban, not axe a ban.

Speaker 247 I think that the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are, you know?

Speaker 247 Thank you.

Speaker 17 Thank you. Mario, look at this.

Speaker 50 You see this shit right here?

Speaker 159 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 15 Do you believe in miracles?

Speaker 48 Look at the energy on this fucking guy.

Speaker 165 Holy shit.

Speaker 17 A standing ovation.

Speaker 48 For what some people would call on a scale from one to ten, about a 7.2.

Speaker 92 But here, god damn it, we needed it.

Speaker 57 You'll never understand what happened before you on a night like this.

Speaker 13 Mario? I'm just happy to be here, guys.

Speaker 90 But yeah!

Speaker 159 We needed a hero, and you are it.

Speaker 166 How old are you, Mario?

Speaker 247 I am about to be 45.

Speaker 171 45. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 147 11 years.

Speaker 42 What do you do for work?

Speaker 29 I edit porn.

Speaker 134 Really?

Speaker 134 Yes.

Speaker 138 He's even got the best interview of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 50 He's taking the ball and running with it.

Speaker 125 Best set.

Speaker 27 Best interview. Thank you.

Speaker 127 What type of porn do you edit?

Speaker 235 Giants is porn.

Speaker 42 Oh, yeah. Wait,

Speaker 188 what is that?

Speaker 189 It's where you're a very small person. You're looking up at a woman.

Speaker 81 Yes.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 247 Imagine Godzilla, but it's a hot chick.

Speaker 139 Wow.

Speaker 68 How do you get into porn editing?

Speaker 235 You have to be unemployable.

Speaker 247 Once you fucked everything up, porn opens you with open legs.

Speaker 2 Wow, absolutely.

Speaker 97 That was a bit.

Speaker 79 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 235 I'll answer the question.

Speaker 147 It's okay.

Speaker 80 I'm nervous. Sorry.

Speaker 90 Yeah, we might not give you the big joke, but guys.

Speaker 173 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 24 I'm kidding, Mario.

Speaker 75 What else? What else is crazy about your life that we should know about before I let you go?

Speaker 235 I got kicked out of the military for international drug smuggling.

Speaker 29 Wow.

Speaker 209 What types of drugs did you smuggle?

Speaker 42 Ecstasy.

Speaker 91 From where? From where?

Speaker 235 Well, I didn't smuggle them, but like I paid for them to be smuggled.

Speaker 128 Okay.

Speaker 235 And I sold some of them.

Speaker 110 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 235 Anticlimactic. Sorry.

Speaker 80 Amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 30 Do you have kids?

Speaker 221 They take forever to die.

Speaker 247 No, no kids. No kids.
I'm too selfish for kids.

Speaker 122 I'm sorry.

Speaker 144 Okay, so where do you shoot your load when you pull out?

Speaker 132 Anywhere.

Speaker 230 Anywhere. I'm just happy to be shooting loads.

Speaker 139 All right.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 40 Here you go, buddy.

Speaker 16 Congratulations.

Speaker 40 You got us out of here.

Speaker 158 Thank you so much.

Speaker 39 We're done.

Speaker 16 Mario Zabata ended it.

Speaker 209 Kind of just okay, but good enough.

Speaker 35 Another drawing from Ryan G.

Speaker 20 Belt is in.

Speaker 215 How about a hand for James McCann?

Speaker 80 Did the band leave?

Speaker 23 This is incredible.

Speaker 92 James McCann.

Speaker 16 Guys, play some fucking music.

Speaker 48 What the hell's going on?

Speaker 47 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 16 Check out his new special, Hey America.

Speaker 241 It's on YouTube at Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

Speaker 16 James, tell him.

Speaker 130 Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over.

Speaker 17 We did it.

Speaker 130 What a beautiful country.

Speaker 139 What a beautiful show.

Speaker 17 Alright, Maddie, thank you for joining us on the back end.

Speaker 124 Thanks so much!

Speaker 17 The drawing from Ryan Shaking Belt is in at James McCann and it's lovely.

Speaker 130 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight.

Speaker 17 Whoa, Heidi with a gun.

Speaker 140 Look out.

Speaker 76 More detail than ever got to be put into that one.

Speaker 17 Thank you to Faya.

Speaker 73 Thank you to Blue Chew, Redband.

Speaker 130 Check out the movie Dos Boot.

Speaker 128 Okay,

Speaker 195 and

Speaker 16 yeah, I got a lot of tickets up for sale.

Speaker 103 I'm on tour.

Speaker 17 Going to Anaheim and Salt Lake City and Detroit.

Speaker 66 And a bunch of other crazy places coming up.

Speaker 195 Doing stand-up, bringing my friends with me. We're going to have a lot of fun out there.

Speaker 17 And thank you to this audience audience who is legendary.

Speaker 17 You guys were at the most bucket pulls ever in an episode, I do believe.

Speaker 130 Pretty positive of that.

Speaker 17 And congratulations to us all. I love you.
God bless America. Good night, everybody.
Thank you.

Speaker 219 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 219 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 213 Today on Hay Culligan, sustainability and better water.

Speaker 10 Here, Sam.

Speaker 248 Hey, Culligan, I'm really into sustainability. My clothes, my utensils, my food.
But how do I get more sustainability from my water?

Speaker 152 Super question, Sam, and the answer is an always-on drinking water system from Culligan, which helps eliminate the equivalent of 15 billion single-use plastic bottles a year.

Speaker 248 Whoa, that's a ton of sustainability.

Speaker 152 416,000 tons, Sam, and we're already on the way.

Speaker 186 Let us help you out with a free in-home water test with the local Culligan water expert at Culligan.com.

Speaker 217 The clock is ticking to get the most of your summer behind the wheel of the upscale all-electric Jeep Wagoneer S and innovative Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid.

Speaker 217 And right now, get 0% financing for 72 months on the 2025 Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid. And the 2025 Jeep Wagoneer S, plus you may qualify for up to a 7,500 federal tax credit.

Speaker 217 See your California Jeep brand dealer and California Chrysler dealer today. Finance offer not compatible with any other offer.

Speaker 217 0% APR financing for 72 months equals $13.89 per month per 1,000 financed for well-qualified buyers through Stellantis Financial, regardless of down payment. Not all customers will qualify.

Speaker 217 Contact dealer for details. The federal tax credit is offered by a third party and is subject to change without notice.
Please confirm this information to ensure its accuracy and availability.

Speaker 217 Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements. Income and other restrictions may apply.

Speaker 217 Purchases are not eligible if the customer exceeds adjusted gross income limitations: $300,000 for married filing jointly taxpayers, $225,000 for head of household filers, and $150,000 for single filers.

Speaker 217 Offers end September 30th. Chrysler and Jeep are registered trademarks.