#706 - 2025 NYE

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Oh shit.

Oh

my.

Oh my god.

Fucking hefty clean, baby.

Night.

Yeah, it's crazy, my brother.

I hate you, nigga.

She must have made it.

What the fuck she does?

Is that fucking Tony Hawk?

I'm feeling true Nickets!

Drew Nickets!

What the fuck, Drew Nickett?

Oh my god!

Would you like to be on the secret show this thing?

Alright, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Let's go, Tony.

She doesn't eat pussy.

She all hell gnaws on him.

Earthquakes on his feet.

I'm killing.

Oh, my God.

Fuck you, Tony.

The roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history.

Holy shit, ever.

Autism runs in my family.

It's sprinting in your family.

Oh my god, let's see that.

I used to get high with the Night Stalker.

This is Joe Biden.

The real president of the United States is here.

Who do you shit, my pants?

It holds a YouTube record for retention rate, 2.5 billion minutes watch.

You Americans are really quite deranged.

We are.

Is it possible to eat it with our butt?

We fucking did it.

There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago?

Yeah.

What the fuck is going on?

Deep Madness is live?

I mean, wow, you look stunning tonight, William.

Come on, can I coconut pie?

Please welcome to the stage, comedian, roaster, and host of the Kill Tony podcast, Tony Hinchcliffe.

I don't know if you guys know this, but there's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now.

I think it's called Puerto Rico.

Who is that, Jackwatch?

Who is that guy?

Actually, I think that's Tony Hinchcliffe, which is super disappointing.

A so-called comedian made a number of racist comments.

Tony Hinchcliffe.

Tony Hinchcliffe.

Tony Hinchcliffe, go for yourself.

I apologize to absolutely nobody.

Trump movies and it is Tony Falls.

Hey, look at because of that.

World War III does take place.

The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.

How do you feel like my garbage truck.

You won't hear from the vice president tonight.

Donald Trump has won the presidency.

Among the key factors in his win, support from Latino voters.

He expanded his support among Latino voters.

55% of Latino men backed Trump nationwide.

He's back.

Hey, this is Randy coming to you live from the HEP Center in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh?

Brilliant Ray Band, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, everybody?

The best damn band in the land.

Jamming it extra hard, extra long arena style for you.

How we fucking feeling tonight, huh?

Make some noise for him.

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Velgrande, chicken and chilada.

That's big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Joining us tonight, truly one of the biggest stars in all of music.

I think he's going to be recognized as one of the truly the biggest stars in the world.

That's Marcus King.

He joins us every New Year's here in Austin.

We got the rest of the usual band, the great and powerful Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Indeed, the leader of it all, John Dee's on the keys.

And no doubt about it.

Let them hear you.

It's D Madness on the bass guitar.

Oh

my

God.

Unbelievably exciting stuff in store tonight.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

You know what's great about this show is sometimes it's the fucking biggest fucking comedians in the world.

Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that.

Last night we had both of the guests of the year,

the newest one, Harlan Williams, last year's winner, Adam Ray.

Part of the problem with this show is we make these guys so goddamn famous that everybody has gigs on New Year's Eve nowadays.

and

a lot of people are sick right now I don't know what kind of lab leaks they're planning for this inauguration

but

the best part of this show is that I believe that we truly have a reputation for putting people on panel that are the future before they even get as big as they're going to get they are here always and then you watch them become superstars internationally and everywhere, streaming and this and that.

And this is the type of booking that I chose for tonight.

I said, let's fucking go renegade style.

Our last show of the year in Austin, Texas, I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year.

So, I'd like you to get as loud as you can for tonight's guests, two of the funniest comedians in the world.

First, I'm going to bring up who I truly think is the rookie guest of the year.

He made his first appearance this year, makes some noise for him.

Austin Resident, you know him from the Shane Gillis crew.

This is James McCann, everybody.

Hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, on panel, on New Year's Eve, in a fucking arena.

Once a little Australian swordsmith now living his dreams.

Fuck yeah, welcome James.

I'm gonna jump right into it.

Yes!

Thank you for having me.

And your other guest tonight, he was with us at Madison Square Garden.

Truly a brother who I have fucking,

you know, just done everything with over the past 18 years.

I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel, one of the funniest humans in the world.

Let's see how loud this place can get for the great great Joe DeRosa, everybody.

Hell yes.

We are having fun

here tonight.

A veteran of the show, multiple-time guest, very funny man.

Him and I make fun of each other a lot.

We go back and forth.

Two of my favorite drinking buddies.

We do.

And I want to thank you for letting everybody know we were your absolute last choice.

Yes, uh,

Shane is sick.

Uh,

um, RFK Jr.

even has COVID.

You can't make it up.

The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Jr., somehow has COVID.

My favorite part was hearing the 10 people that cared when you were like, Sometimes they're not famous.

They were like,

Yeah, I guess.

What the fuck?

Look,

we're gonna have a hilarious episode.

I have so many surprises wired in.

You guys are doing the funny.

Who needs fame when you got funny?

Look, I'm thrilled.

I don't know if you know this.

I don't know if you...

I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness.

This is true.

But I wanted to say this.

This is exactly my one-year anniversary of being in America.

I flew like 30 hours last year

I sat backstage Danny Brown was asleep.

I don't know what was going on there.

This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the kill Tony people up here and out there who have made it happen.

This is the most beautiful thing

Two of the funny things.

And it's true.

James McCann was one of the only comedians to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally when

Johnny Knoxville and Donnell Rawlings ran for the Hills and said they can't do it.

No, they're great.

You can't blame them.

Those guys expect to make more movies in the future.

Nobody knew which direction the election was going at that time.

I don't blame them.

I would have canceled on them too.

Can I tell the quick story?

Yeah.

We were hanging out at the mothership and we were drinking right after the Trump thing happened.

Yeah, a couple days after.

Yeah, and we're sitting next to each other and we're just, it's quiet in the bar and I go, Tony, are you good?

Are you handling all this okay right now?

The backlash, whatever.

And he goes, yeah, dude, I'm good.

And I go, seriously, buddy, we're friends.

Are you good?

And he goes, yeah, I'm good, dude.

And I go, you don't have to be tough with me right now.

We're friends.

Are you good?

And he goes, what are you fucking gay?

He wouldn't stop these fucking New Yorkers over here.

Are you sure you're okay?

The news says you're not okay.

MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now.

I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm fine.

But we're having fun tonight.

Truly, two of my favorite humans.

We're going to have a blast.

I promise you.

I'm going to pre-pool a name.

You guys know how this show works.

Yeah, the bucket is what makes it.

We could find the next star here.

Anything can happen.

You know how it works.

Comedians get 60 seconds.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Or else

they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

It's the Undertaker

Austin's own the Undertaker, Mark Halloway,

The Six Feet Under podcast, which I've done.

Make some goddamn noise for the great, the powerful.

What a surreal moment this is.

You comedians better stick to your fucking time tonight.

I'm warning you right now.

I'm fucking itching to take somebody's head off.

I love it.

I haven't seen you since WrestleMania.

You're the fucking man.

This is a child of dream.

For those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows, The the Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the bucket of destiny for as long as we can remember.

So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size, real, actual Undertaker here.

I don't know if I'm going to fit on the bucket.

But stick me in it, motherfuck it.

I don't know.

Hey, before, I just want to say this.

Austin is already the music capital of the world, the food capital of the world, and you, my friend, are making it the comedy central of the world.

Tony Hinchmith,

don't sell that man short right there.

Thank you so much.

It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight.

Super surreal fucking moment.

I think for everybody I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face when he came out.

There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s.

I love it.

We shock the world with this one.

60 seconds, right?

That's all they get?

That's all they get.

Or else I'm pretty sure you throw them back to where they came from.

I'm right here.

We love it.

Make some noise for the fucking Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen.

Keeping everybody in line tonight.

You can't make this shit up.

God damn it.

Look how cool this is.

You got a nerd boner, don't you?

I'm telling you.

I have to host a show while living my own make-a-wish.

This is incredible.

God.

Damn, what a cool show this is.

Who came up with this idea?

We're going to have some goddamn fun tonight.

Let's get it started while they wrangle that first bucket pull.

I figure we'll get it started with a bang.

I'm just going to say it.

I always give this guy a huge intro.

I always say one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

I'm going to say it right here, right now, for the first time.

This is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show.

This is a brand new minute.

Getting us started tonight with a fucking bang.

Make some noise for Martin Phillips

yes

here he is live in the flesh with an uninterrupted 60 seconds it's Martin Phillips everybody

I heard there was a kid rock sex tape so I was interested.

I was gonna look it up, but after I wrote the first for a kid, I was like, I'm out.

No, I'm not, this is a trap

set up.

Anyway, all right.

Some guys say they have gaydar, and it's like, yeah, I have boners too, you know?

We're all aware that my voice is similar to RFK Jr.'s.

But now that he's going to be head of the health department, we're all going to start sounding like this.

So welcome to hell.

That was the...

Martin Phillips with exactly one minute.

Oh, yeah, man.

Like a fucking surgeon, as always.

Joe DeRosta.

I was hoping he'd go over because I wanted to see The Undertaker slam him and watch his body straighten out.

I am terrified of that.

Also, I like with a wrestling theme, you've dressed as The Rock from that 90s photo show.

Yeah, dude.

It is incredible.

That turtleneck goes great with your turtle legs.

Turtle body.

Hell yeah.

Is there a medallion on that necklace?

There might be something in the back.

It's behind you.

You're rocking it behind you?

I bought this

today

because I heard with the turtle that you need a chain.

So this is $3

from Walmart

in the girls section.

Oh fuck, yes.

Yeah, I just went with it.

That is some rock star shit.

You were already at Walmart because you're the greeter there, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, good benefits.

Good benefits.

I love it.

Martin, how's life been going?

How are holidays and whatnot?

It was good.

Good news.

I hooked up with.

What are you gonna do right there?

Right there.

It's already trying to mock me.

I hooked up with a Puerto Rican woman.

So

I'm doing my best to repair the relationship between the show and that kids.

That's right.

I think you may have accidentally kicked a power cord when you were on your way out.

Their power's out today.

Yeah.

Puerto Rico.

But yeah,

I'm willing to have sex with that

woman for the good of the show.

I love it.

Was it a Puerto Rican woman or was it a

dumpster that you fucked?

Oh, oh, it was a woman.

Did you notice?

You did very good in the next West Side story.

I think.

Did you notice anything different about a Puerto Rican woman than you know, say, another?

IG?

Good question, right?

All right, right, Ben.

Very good.

I'm sure there's a sound effect you could have hit instead of.

Come on, I'll have.

Did you guys fuck to shake that dump dump?

Was there

shake, shake, shake.

Shake, shake, shake.

Okay.

Was there music playing?

No.

Was it at your place, her place?

Uh-oh,

I was crashing at a friend's house, so I did the courteous thing and went to her place.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

And this was on her bed, in her bedroom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was it your first time hanging out with her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.

How long did you guys hang out before getting wet and wild?

Saw her at the show.

And we hung out after.

That's right.

Absolutely.

Does she have a few drinks in her?

Who was walking the straightest by the end of this?

Nobody, nobody drove.

Nobody drove.

Absolutely.

Okay.

I love it, Martin.

What else is going on?

Anything else crazy?

That was the craziest lately.

I love it.

It was pretty cool.

I love it.

So there's actually good news, bad news to it.

So

bad news because

I take an anti-house depression for anxiety.

You know, with the, you know, it's hard to

be hard, you know, you know?

Oh, shit.

But then,

here's the good news.

When I was able to do it, and guess what?

Too big.

Whoa, really?

Oh, my God.

This guy went from soft to too big.

What can I do?

I love that you're saying the antidepressant was the hardest part about you two fucking.

She's lying.

She was in Puerto Rican then.

Okay.

Okay, again, red band.

Stick with the buttons over there.

Jesus Christ.

Red Band's comparing every Puerto Rican woman to the hookers that he's been with.

How much did she charge you before she left?

I love it.

Well, Martin, you absolutely crushed.

Way to get it started right from the top.

Absolutely 100%

great sets.

The guy bats a thousand.

He's basically the fucking Bill Goldberg of the show.

He plays like a champion.

He might not walk like one, but he plays like one.

Oh, I know what that sound is.

That's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

The real fucking deal.

Oh

my god.

I see the Latino guy in the white hoodie crying another tear like he did when The Undertaker came out.

Amazing.

Unbelievable.

And how about a hand for the great Valerie Vaughan, everybody?

She joins us at all the arenas.

Two legends.

Okay, this looks like a very fun name to begin the bucket pull portion of the show.

Again, we don't know these people.

Anything can happen.

Obviously, you guys know how this works.

Could be a crazy person.

I will say that in these arenas, there's a crazy ratio of people that absolutely eat shit on stage in an arena.

It happens a lot.

A lot of people sign up randomly.

They've only done it a few times, but who knows?

Tonight might be the night that that trend changes and we find stars.

You guys ready?

Your first comedian, your first bucket full of the night goes by the name of What the Hector?

What the Hector?

What up?

I freaking love wrestling so much.

How about you guys?

I love wrestling so much.

My parents thought I was going to be gay growing up.

Posters of naked dudes all over my freaking raw, you know, freaking

Undertaker, Stone Cold, all teabagging me above my bag.

Like, when are you going to get a poster of a woman, son?

So I got a poster of that one wrestler.

Y'all remember China?

Hell yeah.

You like that shit, dad?

I guess it'll do, son.

You got to support your artist, guys.

Not very many people know China did porno.

She had the most muscular fleshlight on the market.

Get your penis and a choke coat.

Extra large clitoris.

You got to freaking finger wrestle her to turn her on and shirt.

Sometimes she don't want to turn on.

My favorite, though, was wrestling on the trampoline with my little brother.

And my favorite was the Undertaker because I'm dead inside, too.

Choke slapping my little brother and I would do the tombstone.

Y'all remember the tombstone?

It's pretty much a tombstone of 69 standing up.

But we're on the trampoline.

I'm all hell yeah, wrestling's badass.

Dad comes out.

I was like, what the hell's going on?

Finish him.

The neighbors are watching.

Thank y'all.

Oh, boy, that was close.

Is that what you were going to talk about?

Yeah, I was.

That was going to be your set no matter what happened tonight?

No matter what.

And then he came out.

I was like, holy shit,

that's pretty fucking crazy.

Should I run the bell like two seconds and have him come out again?

No.

Yeah, if you kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it.

Yeah.

You were close to your wildest dreams coming true there.

What the heck, I saw him backstage.

He's tall as hell.

I didn't know he was that big, man.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, those guys are big.

And you're Mexican.

Welcome to reality.

And I'm wearing boots.

I had a little extra, like two, three inches extra on me, you know?

Oh, you are wearing.

Look at those little tiny boots.

Those fucking size cuatros.

I'd like to commend you because a lot of comics stray from current events.

But you did the very relevant China material this evening.

China.

Yeah, Red Band.

You got Red Band over here mumbling in my left ear.

She has really big labias.

China had really big labias.

Did you know that?

China had big labias.

I'm like, Red Band, we are doing a show in an arena.

You're talking about the woman's pussy who we mentioned for a second.

Tell the unprofessional shit I have to to deal with.

Hector, how long you been doing stand-up?

About nine, ten years ago now.

Wow, nine or ten years.

Where at?

Mostly in Phoenix.

I'm from right here.

I'm from West Texas though.

Pecos, Texas.

Yeah.

Wow, big pop for Pecos.

Okay, what's Pecos like?

Describe it to us.

We just had a big train wreck last week.

I don't know if y'all saw the Union Pacific hit a big old truck and like all the train derailed.

Wow, like stranger things.

I sit next to a train wreck every week on this show.

What do you do for work?

I help my dad out doing a tire repair and tow truck.

Okay, you are indeed Mexican.

Yeah,

that confirms

rubbers.

Hell yeah.

What's the craziest thing you've ever seen out there repairing cars on the side of the road in Pecos?

Recently just happened, man.

I live in my RV and I moved it back to Pecos where I work with my dad.

I parked it in the back of the shop working from home, you know, and fucking uh

no!

What do you mean?

James McCann with his iconic no.

We don't know what you mean.

I left it unlocked, man, because I had some cats in there watching out from case rats get in there.

Wait, stop, slow down.

James McCann is correct, first of all.

I stole two cats, all right?

Okay, wait.

This is getting way out of control.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

This is the most Latino shit I've ever heard in my life.

You stole cats to watch for rats

in the RV because I'm not there a lot, you know?

And you pulled your RV to the house that you live in?

No, I park it at the shop that I work at.

Uh-huh.

So I'm working from home, you know, just get up out of it.

You're homing from work.

Change tires.

Yeah.

So you...

I didn't get to tell you.

So we came home and I was going to check on them before we left.

And I found a bald-headed white lady in there all drugged out, naked.

She had tore up the whole place and drawn all over the walls.

I was like, what the the hell's going on here?

I don't want to call cops because we're late to a show, and but I had to, man.

I had to do it.

It looked weird.

I'm lucky that one of my friends was with me.

She's a girl because it would have looked weird that you know, just some weird random girls, she wouldn't talk or nothing.

I don't trying to find her if you know, if you're out there listening.

Wow, look at the world we're living in.

Mexicans calling the police on white women.

This is

Biden's America.

2025.

No, 2025 is going to be different, buddy.

You got 20 more days exactly before

your entire shop is in

Pecos, Mexico.

No, I'm kidding.

Is your dad a legal citizen?

Yeah, he's legal.

Is he really?

He's really.

He did all the paperwork.

Yeah.

What does the paperwork look like?

No, he talks really good English, too.

He's one of those code talks.

He could change his voice like to to a white guy.

You could change it to a Mexican dude.

Okay.

I haven't heard his black voice, though.

I'm pretty sure he has one.

Wow.

Can you do a black voice?

I can't.

I could try.

Yeah, try.

I like it when people can't and then they try.

No Tomba.

What the fuck?

Wow.

I just found out there's no black people in Pecos, Texas, everyone.

That's your black impression?

Know what I'm talking about?

Hey, I'm a black guy.

It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy.

I'm a black man.

I am.

I do believe.

What do you do for fun, Hector?

For fun.

Let's see.

I smoke a lot of reefer.

Where are y'all at?

And then forget everything else I was going to do, right?

What's your love life like?

You out there burning rubber?

Yeah, burning rubber.

because of the tires.

Yep.

How hard is it to convince a woman to come back to the rat-infested RV?

Yeah.

It's pretty, pretty hard, man.

That's why I was mad.

She was in there.

I was like, what?

You're getting pussy in here, and I ain't get it, because it smelled like pussy.

I was like, you're in here.

Either she was getting ran through or she was running a brothel out of my place.

I was like, who's getting more pussy in here than I am?

What the fuck?

Wait, you're saying that your RV smelled like bad pussy?

When she was in there, that crazy bald-headed white bitch from Stranger Things, the train crashed, and all of a sudden she appeared.

11.

This is.

You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things was in the.

It's a bald white bitch.

I was like, damn, shave your head.

What's wrong with you?

This is also the second time he's referenced a thing on Stranger Things that I don't think happened on Stranger Things.

He's like, remember the train crashing on Stranger Things?

No.

One of them shows.

You remember when you choke out a child in an IV like on Stranger Things?

No, I'm sure you didn't do that.

You seem like a nice guy.

Are you a nice guy, Hector?

You ever been in trouble with the law?

Yeah, you know, for weed, Texas being illegal and all, you get in trouble for weed a lot.

Yeah.

All right.

Ringford.

Oh, they're booing the laws of their state.

Well, Hector, congratulations.

Have you ever signed up for the show before?

My first time was at Skank Fest very recently.

I got on there over there.

First bucket pull there, too.

Oh, you were on there?

Okay.

Well, congratulations.

It was good to see you.

What size joke book did you get there?

They ran out of joke books, so I was like, man, did I do good or bad?

I didn't even know and shit.

Well, you know what, buddy?

I'm going to give you a medium-sized one here tonight.

Oh, you didn't catch it.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

There he goes.

What the Hector, everybody.

Thank you.

I don't know if you guys notice this, but the Mexicans get special music from the Mexican portion of the band when they get played off.

A little fun fact, if you haven't noticed.

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We're going to get another special treat up here.

This is

a young lady who you've seen before on this show.

She works at the comedy Mothership.

She's been out on the road with me and a bunch of the great comedians, truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world.

We were all drinking a couple weeks ago, and it just came up that her family was coming into town tonight.

Her parents are here, and I love this young lady.

I truly think she is one of the future top best comedians in the world.

Let's see what she does tonight.

This is a brand new minute from Liz Splat, everyone.

Liz

Splat.

We love Liz.

Make some noise for Liz, everybody.

Guys,

this year makes 10 years that I've been a cancer survivor.

I had cancer when I was 19, which is tough because you're too young to really understand what's going on, and then you're too old to meet John Cena.

You know, because at 19, you're like, make a wish.

More like, make me squirt, John.

What the fuck?

Hey, John, my pussy's bald, too.

You know.

John Cena and squirting.

John Cena and squirting.

Thank you.

It's tricky to make a cancer joke, you know?

Cancer is a really tricky topic.

One time, this comic told me that it's important to talk about the tricky topics.

He said that he learned that because he used to talk a lot about how he used to fuck a lot of prostitutes.

And I was like, I don't know if we're talking about the same thing.

But once I thought about it, it made sense because probably the only thing more traumatic than childhood cancer is being a prostitute a comedian can afford.

Am I right?

All right, thank you.

Thank you guys so much.

Tony Dreams.

Splat,

everybody.

Tony.

How's it going, Liz?

How fun?

How's it going?

It's going.

I mean, how's it going?

It's going.

Dreams are coming true right now.

What the fuck?

It's amazing.

Baby's first arena.

It is indeed baby's first arena.

Hi.

Hi, Joe.

How are you?

Hi, James.

How are you, man?

Congrats on beating cancer.

Thank you so much, Joe.

You've clearly beaten it because usually people with cancer are thin.

Yeah.

She beat the shit out of it.

Defeated it.

Yeah, I basically ate that cancer up.

Let me put it like that.

Put it in a bowl, put some whipped cream on that cancer, got right into it.

That's what I did.

Hell yeah.

What kind of cancer was it?

I had Hodgkin's lymphoma.

It's a blood cancer.

You know what I'm saying?

A party time.

I love it.

Yeah.

How long did it take you to beat it?

I was going through chemo for like six months.

Where are my chemo kids at?

Okay.

They're all dead, right?

They're all dead.

Okay.

I see one solitary wave.

From a lacking.

Okay, great.

Another big girl.

That's awesome.

I love to see it.

Hell yeah.

It's great.

Must have been tick cancer.

And it's good to see you've graduated to Haagen-Doss dash lymphoma from

hodgkins to hagenas joe you son of a bitch i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm nervous i'm sorry you son of a bitch you trying to fuck

i can tell dude guys that love trans women always want to fuck me

it's crazy joe

Get those little plaid pants over here.

What the fuck?

Pull a dick out of those pants and you got a deal.

Joe, if you you saw my clit, you wouldn't question it.

Okay,

China.

Is that true?

You have a China-like clit.

A China-like clit?

What does that mean?

Is it big?

Is that what you're implying?

I think my clit,

yeah, yeah, it's probably like you know, half a thumb.

Oh, fuck yeah.

All right, yeah.

What?

That's basically.

Sorry, I put my heart on my sleeve out here for you people.

That's basically half a little dick, so I'm half interested now.

Because I'm good.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Who would have seen that coming?

Half.

Yeah.

Coming on your face.

Am I right?

Liz, what else is going on?

What family members made it out?

You're from Texas, born and raised, Dallas, bread.

Bam, bam, bam, 214 to like that, bitch.

And when I say bread, I mean B-R-E-A-D.

What's up?

Yeah, my mom and my dad are here.

Yo, mama, yo, papa, where you at?

I can't, I can't bring my dad up here.

He keeps saying he's gonna say racist stuff about Puerto Ricans.

Is that your mom on the Jumbotron, that lady with her hands up?

Oh, yeah, it's my mom.

Aw, oh, wow, she just gave the screen cancer.

That's incredible.

It runs in the family, but clearly you don't.

Yeah, not a lot of it runs it.

Damn.

Got it.

I was going to do it, then you did it.

Gotcha.

You're on the big stage.

Big stage now, Tony.

You did it.

Well, Liz, congratulations.

That was an amazing performance.

You fucking did it.

You're living your dreams in your hometown.

Dream come true.

Austin.

I'm going to do mushrooms.

Hell yeah.

That's a move.

Back to the bucket.

We go.

We're going to keep it moving along.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Jackson bar.

Bucket pull number two.

Jackson bar.

Here's Jackson Barr.

Oh shit, this is going to be awesome no matter what.

Make some noise for Jackson Barr, everybody.

How you doing, Tony?

Happy New Year, KT Nation.

I feel sorry for anybody that's not in this arena tonight.

Kill Tony been on what 12 12 years 700 episodes you guys have been through more comedians than cocaine antidepressants and Viagra

I'm a little freaked out I'm gonna be 49 49 years old in a couple of months but let me tell you I've learned a few things number one ramen noodles everybody knows ramen noodles they taste better when you eat them because you want to

right

Number two, you see two people kissing in public with wedding rings, they're married to other people.

and number three

if it feels like more than three fingers you need a different psychiatrist

you can count on these are words that may save your life one of these days

thank you

holy shit Jackson barr I loved it from the second I saw you I am so used to our bucket pools wearing juvenile t-shirts this guy came up dressed to the fucking whatever's that is.

I knew we had the Undertaker.

I didn't realize we booked Paul Bearer as well.

James McCann.

Brother, what's it like owning the Dallas Cowboys?

Because that must be...

Well,

this would have been the 1990s Dallas Cowboy owner, and it was really good back then.

Yeah.

It's only been 30 years.

He's got a head in the oven now.

You look terrific.

It was either Dallas Cowboys over or you know a good place to buy a secondhand car.

I feel like I've seen you in Waco Waco on the community television.

That's it.

The billion-dollar question: what do you do for work, Jackson?

Pretty much whatever pays.

I mean, I've been an entrepreneur for 30 years with startups, you know, and

in politics for a while.

You're successful, huh?

My kids are grown and out of college and out of the house.

Look at you just on a big, naughty fucking comedy show out here talking shit.

I'm trying to figure out what I am going to be since I am about to be 49.

Joe DeRosa.

49, you're doing something really wrong.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, this guy's giving a stab at comedy at 63.

This is insane.

Red Band is older than Jackson, by the way.

Sweet Red Band here at 50 years old.

You can't make it up.

It's a hard 49, Tony.

Listen, I married my high school sweetheart.

We were together 24 years.

She passed away five years ago.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

How did she pass away?

Brain tumor.

Oh, my.

god.

Yeah, right.

Good God.

The point is.

We're all very sorry that happened.

The point is,

you know, after that happened, I may or may not have lost my shit for a couple of years.

Yeah.

So it's a hard 40, 48.

Okay.

And you were an entrepreneur?

I was.

Yeah.

You don't have any, because this is...

Tony's doing well.

This is sold out.

You could shark tank right now, right?

You got a business idea.

Yeah, do you have any business ideas?

Let's play a little game of shark tank for the first time in a long time.

This is a very special segment that we are going to do,

ladies and gentlemen, with Jackson Bard.

This is the first ever episode of Shark Tank.

That's the Shark Tank theme song.

Jesus, so basic.

Uh-oh.

Okay, here he is.

Pitch us an idea, Jackson Barr.

All right.

Let's see.

Oh, I know.

A dating app for rich people, you know, because since I've been out in the dating world, right?

Yeah.

I found out you actually don't even need a profile anymore.

You might as well just put your credit card number and your pen and your social security so it just saves time.

Hell yeah.

They go straight to the money and then you don't have to worry about it, right?

I bet you have a cock like Martin Phillips.

That's my guess.

I bet it's mostly soft and then when it gets hard, it's too big to fuck.

Too big.

Yeah.

Too big to fail.

Absolutely.

You said you were in politics for a while.

What were some of your platforms?

Well, I started off at local office and then I went to state office here in the great state of Texas.

Yeah.

What city?

So I started out outside of Fort Hood, Texas, known as the Great Place.

Corio County, Gatesville, Texas.

It's eight square miles out in the middle of nowhere.

There's not a Starbucks for 30 miles around us.

Sounds beautiful.

Sound became the Republican president of all the chairmen in the state, represented Senate District 24.

And now, since I'm starting the second half of my life, I'm running from office.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

So have you been on, you said that you want to make a dating app.

Have you been on a lot of dates since your wife passed away?

You know what?

I went on a couple have you have you kissed a girl since your wife passed away

yeah i mean it's been oh okay well you blew that one

you were close there

yeah

you up right now your wife is laug looking up from hell laughing at you

it's not true she's in him

since uh

since you like shark tank i got a math question for you if jack is single for about a year and then gets engaged to a 30-year-old while he's a millionaire and that goes on about two and a half years and then we break up how much money does Jack have left over

all of the money

actually I was gonna hit you up for some gas money so I can get home tonight you're talking to the wrong panelist you silly goose

Jackson you seem like you've got it together you seem like a grown man tell us something weird about you what are you what type of child porn are you into exactly

did you kill John Benet Ramsey

oh

what what no exactly but if you were into something a little wild what would it be like when you're with uh when you're with a hooker yeah

well you know it's hard to find the right rubber tubing and lime and shovel at two in the morning and all that kind of good stuff I mean you know that's always fine You always got to learn for yourself.

Aspirin will not bring back a dead hooker.

You really don't want to run for office again.

You're finished with local politics.

Yeah.

You got a final nail and a hammer.

There is work to be done in politics in the state of Texas.

Hey, baby, I figured it out.

I'm working behind the scenes.

If you can help pass a law so you're allowed to carry more than two beers away from a bar,

that's fucking insane.

This isn't Hawaii.

We ain't got to worry about that.

This is Texas.

We give you two jugs of beer and say, come back and get get the other four.

I like your style.

I like your style, Jackson.

I do.

It's weird, but

I like having different, I always say different shapes and sizes and types of people.

I'm sure there are about 250 more hectors that signed up tonight.

And I was lucky enough to magically pull out a fucking 70-year-old white guy that swears he's 49.

I think it's fun to have different types up here.

I mean, look at this fucking guy.

It's wild.

I think you're actually rich because only a rich man would give this lease of a shit about his appearance.

Yeah.

No, you are.

You have super rich guy vibes.

Jackson, how much exactly are you worth?

Was.

I'm not kidding.

After a failed...

How much did you give away in the divorce?

Just tell us that.

Divorce, just, you know, burned through, I don't know, 1.5, which is not huge.

1.5.

Yeah.

That's a lot.

Four years, so.

That's more than Hector and his father will make their entire lifetime.

That's a huge amount.

Well, Jackson, thank you very much.

Fun times.

Congratulations.

You as well are leaving here with a cool little medium joke.

Oh, my goodness.

We're 0 for 2 on the catches tonight.

Jackson, thank you so much.

There goes Jackson Barr.

Oh, la la.

You know, Jackson's from Texas.

He's from the middle of nowhere.

Which brings us to our next special treat.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, when we found him, was just working the oil fields of Texas.

He's all personality, very controversial figure in the history of the show.

People either love him or they just straight up dislike him.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Uncle Laser.

Listen here.

Had a woman from Tallahassee, Florida slide into my DMs.

Said, hey, shut the fuck up.

Said,

got a plane ticket with your name on it you come down to tallowse florida blow my back out and rearrange my guts

i said

happy to easter to you too how you doing today he has risen you know right she said but before i can get you that plane ticket i'm gonna see a picture of that hog

fun fact

i ain't got no hog

I got what they call field mouse dick.

You ever been hit by a sewing machine needle?

You know?

Look, here's the thing about sending wiener pics.

Don't do it, okay?

All right?

Listen, look, I love my wiener.

I put it everywhere.

Hot tub jets, electrical sockets, okay?

I once took a shop vac and sucked all the foreskin off of it, you know.

I haven't been to a water park since.

She said, look,

I ain't going to be able to get you that plane ticket no more.

I get you a Greyhound bus ticket.

And I said, Listen here, bitch.

My mama raised me on that Reba McIntyre, and I might have been born just a plain white trash.

But fancy was my motherfucking name.

I ain't getting on no goddamn Greyhound bus.

You hear me, bitch?

So a couple days later, we worked something out where if my mom would drop me off, her mom would bring me back, you know

Uncle Laser, everybody.

Uncle, uncle, uncle.

Look at you.

Howdy.

How's it going?

What is that animal around your neck?

Oh, this?

Yeah, yeah.

This here is Steven.

He was a euthanized husky.

He was my neighbor's dog.

Are you fucking serious?

Yeah, he was just going to throw the motherfucker out.

I said, hold on now, old son.

We're resourceful people, you know.

And so I like, you know, did all this.

And I went to his front door and tried to give it to him as a gift.

And he answered the door and he goes,

Why'd you unbury my dog?

I was like, so you're telling me you don't want it?

I'm mine now, motherfucker.

How about that?

I can't believe I fell right into one

trap.

You did step right into it.

That's the second husky we've had on stage.

Liz Splatt was here earlier.

oh shit how's your new year's Tony we're having fun what are you conducting the fucking interview no I just was simply asking a question I love that you said you wouldn't get on a greyhound bus I've been on the greyhound bus in this country it's just 57 years I've

I sat next to I was on a greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh.

This is a fun wrestling story.

I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit.

Wait, what is the truth?

He knew a secret about Chris Benoit.

Yeah, let's hear it.

He was a good man.

And the whole time I was like, okay, Okey Doki then.

Yeah, he only killed his family to send them to God.

Oh, my God.

All right.

And he said, you can't judge a man for that.

And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon.

He got away.

How's your New Year's going, Laser?

How's your holidays?

What does a guy like you do exactly other than crystal meth?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

The spirit of the wolf.

Nah, dude, I got a New Year's resolution.

Is it to give Rod White his voice back?

That there's my daddy, but he's a Democrat, so he ain't my daddy.

But,

dude, I got to stop coming inside of strangers.

Tell us more about that.

I was hoping fucking Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview.

I gotta stop coming, strangers, because look, dude, I'm like the Tyreek Hill of the Austin comedy scene.

I can't pull out of a fucking driveway.

You know what I'm saying?

And I'm not even scared of the Me Too movement.

I'm scared of like, I got a kid in fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana, or some shit all across this goddamn country that's like, when you child support, I don't want to be a part of that.

Have you gotten anyone pregnant?

Are there any nephew lasers out there?

All we can do is pray.

Wow.

Amazing, Uncle.

So what do you got planned for 2025?

You've been touring a lot.

You've been working really hard.

Trying, yeah.

Just like, look,

say something, Tesla, you're like, on some real shit, okay?

Three years ago to this date, Tony and Scliff invited me to Tony Inscliffe and Friends.

It's been that long.

It's been that long.

Jesus.

All right.

You invited me to the New Year's Eve party at Vulcan with your people, right?

And I was dog shit then.

I'm probably still dog shit now.

But I mean, back then, I was even worse, okay?

Oh, yeah.

And, but you gave me a shot, all right?

It's a testament to you.

And my mama was in the crowd tonight and I was thinking about quitting my job.

And

up until that point in my life, that was the best set I ever had.

All right.

And took a chance, but like, yo,

look, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but I'm going to be honest with you.

Thank you for everything.

Yes.

Look, look.

Yes.

Joe Rogan might have built the comedy club in Austin, but Tony Hinchcliffe created a fucking culture.

You hear me?

Thank you.

I couldn't have said it better myself

until later tonight in the mirror, like I do every night.

I look directly at myself and I say, Tony, you built the fucking culture.

No, I'm kidding.

I was going to say, I'm pretty sure you'll corner me later at a party and tell me that for 15 minutes.

Do you know what I've done, Joe?

I love you, Uncle Laser.

Congratulations, you did it.

We're going to keep flying through it.

There he goes.

Uncle Laser, which brings us to bucket pull number three.

I feel like this is a new name, but we may have seen it before.

Oh my god, how about these lovely ladies in this sausage fest that we've had?

We've had nothing but dudes and a chick with a clit the size of half a thumb.

Thank God for Heidi and Valerie.

For those of you out there that are into beautiful women.

All right.

Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Joe Barnholt, everyone.

Bucket pool number three is Joe Barnholt.

One more time for Joe.

My name's Joe because I was named after the crab shack that I was conceived in.

So.

You guys, I'm single, so I've been going on a bunch of dates.

It's not really helping my love life, but I do have an outstanding balance on my credit card.

Yeah, it's hard to stand out in the dating world when you look like the vanilla flavor of white men.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad flavor.

It's just not anybody's first choice.

I don't even have any tattoos or anything, or as I call them, sprinkles.

You guys, I'm so white I get 2% milk at the store because whole milk's too spicy.

I feel like there's a lot of weirdos weirdos in the dating world.

I went on a date with this one girl.

She told me she had two half-brothers, which is just a really strange way of saying you have a brother.

For everyone that's slow at fractions, I'm going to give you a second to catch up there.

It's like, what?

Did you cut him in half or something?

Like when I say I have two half women in my freezer, that makes sense.

Oh,

bunch of weirdos out there, you guys.

Thank you.

My name's Joe Barnholt.

All right, Joe Barnholt.

Let's talk about it.

How long you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing it about a year.

One, one.

I've been playing music for about 16.

Wow.

What kind of music do you play?

Full band hip-hop.

You're in a hip-hop band?

Have you been on this show before?

I was about a month ago.

And I found out you were in a hip-hop band?

I did.

I do musical comedy, and I tried to sing a song about fucking Santa and forgot the lyrics.

Okay.

Do you have anything that you would do tonight

if you were a 16-year musician?

Yeah, I can play guitar and rap for you guys if you want.

You need a guitar to do it?

I mean, it helps.

Okay, do we have that extra guitar somewhere?

D-Madness, you see a guitar anywhere back there?

Marcus just lifted.

Oh, we got it.

Okay, we're going to give this guy a shot.

Oh, yeah.

Gives us a chance to look at the lovely Heidi one more time.

My goodness.

A modern day Vanna White, if you will.

A Marilyn Monroe-esque thing, just handing a chord to an absolute jerk off.

Joe Barnholt.

Look at this guy.

Looks like Joe DeRosa ultralight.

But what?

God damn it, I didn't hear it.

All right.

Hopefully, your music is funnier than your comedy.

Here he goes.

Away we go, hope this flow sail through life on a safe little boat.

But it sees it's time for me to abandon ship or abandon hope like woe.

So merrily we rode, life's but a dream, we woke.

We try to flee, but roll these circles round the globe.

It's up, down, side to side.

Never stray from that path.

I charted round around this wild ride.

Always end up where I started.

Laugh after, laugh at the car track.

Life's a bitch, then you die.

Maybe that bitch

You suck, dude.

Fair.

Love it.

You suck.

We're going to get you out of here.

They don't know what they're talking about.

Don't believe these haters.

That's the fresh new sound that's going to be coming out the radio.

That's right.

Yeah, we've never heard.

I disagree with James.

No means no.

No, I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars.

Yeah.

It's been 15 quiet years without that.

You got the courage to bring it back.

You getting booed here?

That's like Dylan going electric.

I'll take it.

It was pretty good.

It was fine.

Hey, thanks.

I'll take it.

I thought, I thought, if I may, I thought your comedy was funny.

Oh, thank you.

And I thought it deserved more, and I felt like you weren't getting as much because you were the first comic that wasn't like, I shoved my needle dick in her smelly cut.

And they were just a little caught off guard that he was doing like you know you should think about you should wear a dog next time wear you wear wear a dog

like a put a dog's body on your shoulders

I'm trying to explain it red band informed me in the middle of your set that it's a famous Jim Gaffigan joke that whole milk is spicy ever seen Jim Gaffigan before I heard that joke all right okay

google it I will I will how dare Jim Gaffigan have stolen your joke?

What size joke book did you get last time you were on?

I got a big joke book.

You did?

Well, you should use it.

Joe Barnholtz, everybody.

There he goes.

We're going to keep it moving fast tonight.

We're going to get through it.

He's already been on.

But in this moment, we shall get yet another legendary golden ticket winner on the show.

You know him.

You love him.

He got picked up from this show to be on America's Got Talent, which is how backwards the industry is that they are now finding people for AGT, for Netflix, for everything here on the show that you guys watch every Monday.

We find the people.

This is the return of Aaron Beloyle, everybody.

Oh, hell yeah.

Smart started his entrance early.

Gives me enough time to fucking kill some time

while he sets up.

Bluetooth, blue suit,

Aaron, Belial, everybody.

Make some fucking noise for him.

Come on.

It's not too late to have the first female president.

We could have the best one.

Trump could transition.

Now I can grab my very own pussy.

Quite frankly, I have the best pussy.

My pussy is very tight and beautiful.

Everyone who sees it says it's the best they have ever seen.

My pussy is so much better than Caitlyn Jenner, who got a liberal pussy from the radical left.

She got her pussy from a fake doctor.

I got mine from an American doctor.

A lot of people go to Mexico to get their pussy.

Not me.

Mine was made right here in America.

America has the best pussies.

Everyone knows it.

A Haitian man wanted to eat my cat the other day, but I said, no, this pussy is only for real Americans, legal Americans.

They're eating the pussy, and it's our pussy.

We cannot allow these people who are walking over the borders in the ocean continue to eat our beautiful American pussies.

My pussy is so American it bleeds red, white, and blue.

Usually, I would need to edit clips together for a joke like that, but that was all from a single interview.

Fuck yes, I love it.

The evolution of Aaron Belial

doing some fucking next level shit over there using other voices making your own clips make writing the bits in other people's voices.

That makes fucking sense.

that's cool as hell awesome how's it going aaron you dress the part and everything

you look like a politician even your arms as crooked as a politician right now

you're better dressed than the literal politician that was up here yeah it's true

tony has been spending too much time with trump didn't know that shooting carrot juice into your cock would make your skin that color

shoot carrot juice into my cock Take a day off, buddy.

Your head looks like a horse saddle with teeth.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you, Aaron.

You fucking son of a bitch.

You know, you can go out and get some sun sometime, Aaron.

You can wobble your ass out to a golf course sometime and maybe drive the cart or something.

Maybe you can caddy.

Maybe I could use you as a fucking holster.

I can't really do the thing.

I know.

I know.

You remember that.

Fuck you.

You son of an Australian bitch.

Say it again.

You son of an Australian bitch.

I've been nothing but good to you.

Let me tell you, you've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your body.

Aaron Belial.

That's true.

Look at this guy.

Unbelievable what's happening here.

God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful.

He'd be too funny.

Say it again.

Say it again.

I love you too.

I love you.

Wow, you're switching voices a lot over there.

Do you have a black voice on there?

I would personally like the Japanese voice, if that's possible.

Oh, he's got one.

He's very excited.

This motherfucker's got body language and all capital letters.

When he's got something, he fucking says...

Shingle, I got something.

Oh, I got that shit.

Watch that.

He's fucking look at him typing.

Look how fast that thumb flies when you ask for a racist Asian accent.

Joe DeRosa.

I'm not this fast with a fucking fancy.

Okay,

Jesus, Aaron.

My god, you're crazy.

But what are you, Alec Baldwin with that trigger?

I'm talking now.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my.

I'm talking now.

Okay, all right.

Well,

okay, there you go.

Stop trying to make me say the N-word.

I am not like you.

No, I don't say that.

Thank you, Aaron.

That's gonna be a fucking, that's gonna be a new conspiracy theory.

Just because you're bent like that doesn't mean you have to be retarded.

I'm not like you.

I don't say the n-word.

Shut the fuck up.

You've never heard me say the n-word.

You've heard me say every other racial slur that there is.

But you've never heard me say the word.

Will you keep that fucking thing up?

What are you, crazy?

No, I'm not.

I can't do it now.

It's fucked up.

It would have been fucked up.

It would have been more racist than me saying the n-word.

He was reaching.

What?

I saw the button you were going to push accidentally.

Do you want to push it?

No.

No.

When you see my hand go this way, that means you turn your fucking volume up.

It wasn't on purpose.

They've got all the animals on the iPad, and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button.

I wasn't the chimp button.

And then he stopped, because he's not a racist.

I'm a chicken.

Okay, Aaron, what the fuck were you going to say three minutes ago?

It is no longer relevant then.

Okay, perfect.

Everything good?

Is this your first New Year's in Austin?

I can't remember.

Is this your first time in America on a New Year's Eve?

What do you guys normally do in Canada for New Year's Eve?

Fucking make.

You don't have a Canadian accent.

I didn't know you were from Canada.

Last year in New Year's I got jumped in Austin on 6th Street.

I don't know if it's the way I dress or the way I walk, but homeless people keep targeting me.

Yesterday on 6th Street, a guy sitting on a pizza box yells at me, hey you look like you need to be fucked in the ass.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

That was me.

At a glance, what looking at me makes you think.

whoa you stopped yourself from talking there at a glance.

What looking at me makes you think I need to be fucked in the ass.

I don't think that's gonna help my scoliosis.

No,

homeless people probably target you because they think you're a fucking zombie walking towards them in the dark, just fucking.

Yeah,

I would target you too.

Whoa, Jesus.

I only backed up because I thought it might be contagious.

Aaron Belisle.

He's pointing at me.

That's racist.

Okay.

He's been out of Canada a while, but not long enough to accuse people of being racist and using slurs that they don't use.

It's such a liberal thing.

What else is going on, Aaron?

Let me type it out first, and then I will tell you.

I was telling a joke

Oh, Anthony, that is just wrong.

Anthony, the director, found a girl with a bunch of Botox and did a reaction shot there.

That is wrong.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

Is that the homeless person on the pizza box, Aaron?

Look at that fucking...

Oh, my God.

Halloween on New Year's Eve.

Absolutely incredible.

It's a hybrid.

I love Orange.

She came into my meet and greet line demanding a picture because she paid for me.

Kept grabbing at me too.

So I acted retarded again, and I bit her.

Hell yeah.

You can.

Good luck getting that nose fixed.

I bite with the strength of 47 chromosomes.

You're on fire, Aaron.

You did it again.

What else?

Anything else?

You fucking crushed, you did it.

Great interview.

Just a few more words from me.

Joe, you should love me.

I can transition at any time with my thumb.

Oh,

okay.

For those of you that don't know, Joe got his dick sucked by a tranny two skank fests ago.

If you're wondering why everybody keeps saying that Joe walks tranny.

Sorry for being a champion of progress.

I'm changing the world one blowjob at a time.

I can turn into an Australian lady and you can jack me off.

Wow.

Don't you do that that to our sweet Australian women?

You keep our voices out of your phone.

Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country?

Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country?

And you try and bring us down?

That is true.

Didgery, don't do that to him.

I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.

I'll take it.

Well, Aaron, you were great.

You did it again.

I love you.

We love you.

The people love you.

Aaron Belial

wobbling his way to the mountaintop every step of the way.

And indeed, this is bucket pull number four.

We're about to go back-to-back bucket pulls.

Your first one here, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Vic Shivdasani.

Vic Shivdasani is the fourth bucket pool.

You guys having fun out there?

Make some fucking noise.

Oh, shit.

This is a fucking wild episode.

Make some noise for Vic Shivdasani.

So I just got to make a stipulation real quick.

I do sit down, not stand up.

It's a little bit different.

My name is Vikash Shavdasani, but I go by Vic,

so you're welcome.

And I know what you're all thinking seeing me up here, but I'm not really disabled.

I'm just really lazy.

Or at least that's what I tell people.

See, people always feel the need to come up to me and be like, hey, man, what happened?

Why in a wheelchair?

My favorite, like the old Indian people, who are like, so,

what is wrong with you?

I'm like, man, what the hell is wrong with you?

Got no manners.

Geez, nothing's wrong with me.

I just got tired.

I wanted to sit down.

I had a lazy idea to add wheels.

Now I can remote chair everywhere.

It's fucking genius.

One time, this dude came out to me.

He was like, hey, man, what's your handicap?

I was like, what?

I don't know.

I don't play golf.

But seriously, though, I used to walk and now I've been in a wheelchair for about 18 years.

When I was 22 years old, after a night of partying, I fell off of a third floor apartment balcony after a night of after it left me paralyzed from the waist down.

We're gonna save you from the Undertaker coming out of here.

Stop.

We're not gonna.

That would be just so depressing if the Undertaker threw you in the middle of the fucking arena right now.

This is crazy.

The balls on these handicapped people that keep running the time.

For the the record, the punchline there was oops.

Okay.

You didn't like that.

Okay.

Vic.

Vic Dasani.

Shiv Dasani.

Shiv Dasani.

Shiv like you're stabbing somebody in jail.

We got it.

Does it upset you that the most prominent place you'll ever see your name is a water bottle?

Okay.

I thought that hit harder.

He also thought that the floor would hit harder from the third story.

So your third story apartment, what happened exactly?

So

we had a night of party, we went out to the club, we came back, and

how long ago was this?

How old were you?

18 years, I was 22 years old at the time.

22 years old.

Man, that is just a ripe time to drink too much.

How much do you think you had to drink that night?

12 drinks,

probably.

There you go.

Okay, so you're back at an after-party third floor apartment, and what happens?

We took cabs to and from the club.

We were responsible drunk Did you also drive the cab?

No, no.

No.

Your father drove the cab.

My uncle, but there you go.

Okay, so you took cabs.

I can't imagine how that applies to the story, but now you're back at the apartment.

We got back to the apartment.

One cab was missing.

I went to the balcony to call my cousin, who was in the missing cab.

He's like, we're right around the corner.

I lean over the balcony to see if I can see any headlights coming.

I lost my balance.

Last thing I remember was losing my balance.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Pretty much.

Unbelievable comedic timing by Redband on the shot-shot-shots.

Again, that's about 40 seconds after he said 12 drinks.

But great.

We're getting to the climax of the story.

Hey, keep going.

Maybe you'll fall off a fucking third-story balcony.

He'll have free fall and ready to go in a minute and a half.

It's fine.

So

you're leaning over the balcony at the most unbelievable time for a very loud noise.

Go ahead, Vic.

I lost my balance and

the next, I mean, the last, the next thing I remember was waking on the ground.

I don't remember falling or anything.

Wow.

Incredible.

And what did they tell you when you awakened?

No one actually saw me.

My friends with the missing cab came literally right after I fell.

All I had was a bloody nose.

Nobody knew what was going on.

I was coming to, and then I thought I was like, I think I fell off the balcony.

It was kind of awful.

So hold on a second.

This is unbelievable.

This is incredible.

I love how silent this arena can get.

You're welcome.

The story in which I feel like everybody's thinking, like, oh, fuck, that could have been me when I was 22.

It certainly could have been us.

It's as quiet as an actual H-E-B in here right now.

So nobody noticed that you had fallen off.

You kind of woke up and came to, you have a bloody nose.

Could you feel your legs or anything?

I couldn't get up.

I couldn't move.

And that's when I was just like, hell, something happened.

I mean, how did they find you?

I landed on the only four-foot patch of grass right next to a curb and six inches from a sprinkler.

Wow, if you would have landed on the sprinkler, you would have been the best smelling Indian man that any of us

Wouldn't that have been something just

You're one sprinkler away from a superhero origin story

Were you say it was your uncle you were waiting for your uncle to turn up who was who was late?

My cousins.

How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen?

Immediately.

All right, honestly

Wow.

And how old are you now?

I'm 40.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I am actually

you make street food

with your hands.

You make sure your hands get into everything and they touch your feet and shit sometimes.

That's what you people do.

Every single one of you.

Except for the cool Vivek guy.

He seems clean and nice.

Okay, all right.

Okay.

Again, that has nothing to do with anything.

I actually am a, I help people heal from emotions.

I'm a, I'm an emotional healing coach, I guess.

I actually wrote a book.

You wrote a book?

I wrote a book.

It's called Rolling With It, Lessons Learned While Sitting Down.

No shit.

What's your love life like?

Can your dick get hard?

It's what everybody wants to know.

It's true.

It's true.

I got to use blue pills every so often, but it works.

But yeah.

Wow, that's a miracle.

That's great.

One miracle, yeah.

That's great.

Hard as I rock.

You are Indian?

I am Indian.

Are your parents like strict Indians or whatever?

They wanted you to be an engineer?

Accountant.

Oh, an accountant.

Well, they can count on you never walking again.

Do you get to see them a lot?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Do you have anything fun that you do in your wheelchair?

You play like wheelchair basketball?

I play wheelchair basketball.

I play for the Austin Wreckers.

Whoa, look at that.

That's incredible.

I love it.

Wrecker is a weird name for a basketball team in wheelchairs because that's how a lot of them get in the wheelchair.

Very true.

Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled?

That's great.

Do some feel like more proud to be there?

That's a very interesting question.

It is.

It's like women with big natural tits running into a woman with big fake tits.

Absolutely, absolutely.

I think the people who have been paralyzed more recently hate the people that have

just think this is life, you know?

You're looking down on them?

You could say that.

It's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of

disability, but that's...

But wait,

the newer crippled people look down on the

younger crippled people because the people who are born cripple like that's just been their life.

So they're like this is it and

but you're like you don't even fucking know how good it is to walk.

Right.

You don't.

That's what I'm trying to say.

I get you.

It's crazy.

It's like trans women versus cis women.

That makes sense.

I get it now.

Yes.

Wow.

Damn, that's in I would have thought it would be the other way.

I would have thought that the people born without the ability to walk would be like, you know, fuck you, at least you had a chance or whatever.

I wouldn't have fallen off a balcony or whatever.

I can't even see over the fucking bar to get 12 drinks in the first place.

Like, I think they would have a lot of built-up inner anger.

Do you have a girlfriend or a wife?

No, I don't.

Okay, you go dating a lot?

Here and there, I get lucky sometimes.

Okay.

Yeah, you seem like a good-looking, likable.

There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening.

Are you from Austin?

I'm from South Texas, but I moved during the summer.

Okay.

Have you kissed a girl in Austin since living here?

I have not.

Whoa.

Uh-oh.

Well, my dear friend, Vic V-I-K, it just so turns out that we have the best fan base here in the world.

Is there a beautiful Austin woman out there that's willing to come up here and give Vic a big kiss?

Anyone?

Is there a woman?

there's a bunch of dudes raising their fucking hands for some reason is that one right there with the glasses

yeah yeah you with the glasses is that you oh shit look at this one look at that Vic you're about to get your first Austin kiss this looks like a real Austin woman misplaced tattoos keep coming keep walking lady

I cannot believe this is happening right now it's happening Vic You're about to get your first Austin kiss from what appears to be Uncle Lazer's aunt.

This is incredible.

She has

a bunch of tattoos.

This is a real Austin girl, Vic.

Let's go.

She might.

You play for the Wreckers.

She looks like she plays for the home wreckers.

This is very exciting.

Oh, shit.

Here she is.

Oh, my God.

You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Here we go.

Whoa, we got a camera angle on that.

Oh shit.

Oh

shit.

This is New Year's Eve at the HEB Center.

Oh my god.

Oh shit.

Hell yeah.

That's fucking fun.

Here you go.

Here's a big joke book, you crazy slut.

Fuck yeah.

Absolutely.

Damn, Vic

happy news to me

Now Vic it's New Year's Eve have you fingered a girl in Austin yet

she comes back up

I'm being told, I'm being told from the great director

that we might have a slow-motion replay of that kiss.

Wow.

Look at the tongue action happening here.

He could take away your legs, but he could not take that mouth away.

Dear God.

That is an aggressive.

You guys are both nasty fucks.

You guys are fucking tonight for sure.

That kiss was messier than your fall off of the balcony

Except

Except your whole family is actually gonna notice that right when it happens

They're not gonna leave you you might end up waking up next to a sprinkler again Vic

You're gonna have a hell of a night ahead of you.

They might have to rename this place the HEEB Center after what all right There's a big joke book.

First guy to catch it tonight.

How about that?

Can you say one more thing?

Absolutely.

Finally, someone with a disability on this show that can fucking enunciate.

Wow, just insulting some of the greats.

Okay, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belial are about to officially jump you when you get off stage.

They have the ability to take put a...

They're about to put a fucking stick in your spokes of your wheels.

Bucket pool number five.

It is that time, ladies and gentlemen.

Straight to another bucket pull.

Make some noise for her.

It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brittany Ogata.

Brittany Ogata.

Here we go.

Brittany Ogata.

One more time for Brittany, everybody.

I don't know what was going on out here, but I don't know how the fuck I'm going to follow that shit.

So the other day I went through my 18 year old cell phone.

I know non-progressive mom.

And I went through and I found a chat that he was using where he was sexually chatting with some AI robot named Cindy.

And I'm over here thinking, most parents would be gross the fuck out by now, but I'm over here like, yes.

He's finally sexually talking to something.

I need to get the shit dick out of my house already

But the joke was on me because I quickly realized that the AI chat robot that he was speaking to was from a group chat that was called Boys Who Secretly Want to Fuck Their Moms.

Boy, I was quick to the store to buy four fucking locks for my bedroom door that night.

Just the other day, I went to go pick him up from school, high school, and I'm sitting in the car and he comes out and he's got like one glove, just one glove on his hand.

You know, one of the gloves with the tips cut off like how they wear wear, like, sticky bandits and home alone.

And anyway, I look at him.

I'm like, what the fuck is this homo doing?

And he gets in my car and I'm like, what the fuck are you wearing?

All right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to save you again.

There's some saving people tonight.

There it is.

Oh, boy.

You came out guns ablazing with an excuse.

Don't know how I'm going to follow that.

And I knew right then and there that you were going to fucking suck.

It's okay, though.

You had some laughters.

Yeah, it's okay.

That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say and look like.

I had some laughters.

Okay, let's talk about it.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Brittany?

This is my first time.

What made you want to sign up tonight?

Okay.

Got him back on your side.

Joe DeRosa comes running back because he thinks you're trans.

What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your first time doing stand-up comedy?

Honestly, it's my husband's birthday.

He's out there.

He's been watching Kill Tony.

Are you booing husband's birthday?

It's because we're not on stage right now, that's all.

Whoa.

Straight up attacking the comedian section.

The comedian's attacking me.

Sorry.

My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.

I said tips cut off.

I know it was tips, but I was like,

that was fun.

It was going to be a good joke.

Can I ask what that was?

Why did he have a glove with the tips?

He was wearing a glove, and this is a true story.

People are begging for the Undertaker to come out and beat the shit out of a woman.

This is absolutely incredible.

He does.

This is incredible.

I've never seen anything.

I did not think this is how this show would go.

Okay.

How long have you been with your husband?

I've been with him for 10 years, but I've been watching you guys forever, so.

Again, the comedians are booing.

Are you guys booing this because you think I'm going to bring up the husband?

Why are you booing her husband?

I'm confused.

What were you doing to the comedians during the show?

I wasn't even sitting over there.

I had my own ticket.

Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband?

I can send the Undertaker.

I'm not bringing up the Undertaker.

It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up in Bahamas.

People really want to see it, though.

This is incredible.

Okay, I'm going to save you.

I'm going to save everybody right now.

Is there any hilarious thing about you?

There you go.

That's her time.

This is a very, very, very...

Good on you.

This is the smallest joke book I could find.

There she goes.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, watch how fast the energy in the room changes as I bring up a comedian.

who was not here last night and hasn't been around very much lately because he has been booked doing sold-out shows all around the world.

A man of true mystery, an anomaly, if you will, in the history of Kiltoni, is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

A freak, a man talked about.

Some people say that this is God's favorite comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Casey Rocket.

And yet I find,

yet I find, there's no one left a cool

God, senior year is going to be nuts.

We're going to run this school, man.

Marble, marble,

Hair.

The ritual is almost complete, Tony.

But one of us has to die for the other to truly be free.

Alexander wept, for there were no more rifts left to conquer.

It's funny you bring that up, because

seven years ago tonight, my teacher, Miss Garlic, Carly Garlic,

she...

heir to the garlic fortune.

She

old garlic money.

You guys would have loved her.

But

she pulled me aside and she said, titty boy LaCroix.

And

I said, speaking?

And

she said five words that changed my life.

She said, what do you want to be when you grow up?

And I

told her the truth, Austin.

I said, I want to relapse.

And

she was startled.

I think she was startled because a relapse is predicated upon upon an initial addiction, but she's a sheep.

She doesn't get me like you guys do.

But

so seven years ago, I would have been 12.

I'm 19 now.

And I've never looked better.

Maybe he's born with it.

Maybe it's from huffing ether.

But

science isn't there yet to tell.

But

it's funny to do drugs when you're 12 because two years before that you were 10.

So

so you're a little kid.

You're like a little kid.

Like, I can remember doing Air Duster with my friends.

And we're 12 years old.

I can remember doing Duster.

And my buddy would be like, what's the biggest dog you've ever seen?

And I'd be like, my neighbor's dog's fucking massive.

But you shouldn't do Duster.

I've lost a lot of good friends like that.

Chris Benoit, Aaron Carter.

Chris Benoit couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Especially around the holidays.

But

Chris Benoit murdered his family, allegedly.

I think Rey Mysterio did it, but

thank you, Casey Rocket, class of 2013.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is how it's done.

Thank you.

What a return.

I mean, I don't think I've ever said this before on this show, but Casey, I have missed you.

I missed you.

You are such a distinct type of rock star, built for arenas at the ripe age of 19 years old.

19.

That's news to us.

I've never looked better.

It's true.

Did you get a septum piercing?

You say something.

Funny you bring that up, James.

I did.

Wow.

Did it hurt?

Yeah.

Where'd you get it done at?

Tuti's.

Wow.

Where's Tuti's at?

Right next to Mr.

Tyler's.

Okay.

Let's talk about Carly Garlic.

Heir to the garlic fortune.

That name.

What's in a name, really?

But

Miss Garlic was one of the formidable adversaries and my benefactor.

She put me through med school, and

I wouldn't be anywhere without Miss Garlic.

It's Carly garlic to you.

It's Miss Garlic to me.

Wow.

Which seems backwards.

That is amazing.

I had no idea you went to medical school.

What did you study at medical school?

Pre-med.

Okay.

I love it.

I love it.

Yeah, just trying to figure it all out.

Yeah.

Phishing attacks, cybersecurity.

Homeland.

You alright, Red Band?

Red Band's been really sick.

Casey, you are such a star with such an unbelievable brand and your own style.

How's it been going out on the road?

It's been really good.

Oh, you're putting your hair back.

We've never seen this before.

That's a new thing.

It's been the best summer of my life.

Yeah, I went to.

Can you turn to the sides that everybody can see?

Wow, look at that.

Oh my god, titty boy LaCroix.

Thanks.

And these old rags?

Yeah, it's been the best summer ever.

I went to 40 cities.

I just got finished, so I'm going to 30 more next year.

It's been really fun.

Thank you for coming to see me.

So cool.

Thank you.

A true comedian.

A true comedian.

Spreads his wings all over.

How do you travel?

What type of vehicle do you have?

I've always wondered that.

You seem like such a mysterious man.

I've always pictured you perhaps horse and carriage or something.

Yeah, Nasferatu style.

God.

Listen to that Nasferatu pop.

One of the biggest pops in Shobiz history.

Tony's about to barf.

I've been so sick.

I did an almost double spit take there.

I swallowed half.

Yeah, horse and buggy.

My mom's a horse trainer.

Shout out to Jenny Rocket.

She's a horse trainer.

She's watching from home right now.

So cool.

That's nice.

Thanks.

Yeah, horse and buggy, little car, big car.

I'm looking at the way that Joe DeRosa is looking at you, and I noticed that it changed when you put your hair back in a ponytail.

I did notice that out of all the almost trans women tonight, I am most attracted to Casey Rocket.

It is incredible.

Truly,

out of the performers and

the woman that came up to kiss the Indian in the wheelchair, somehow Casey Rocket is indeed the most beautiful woman that's been on the stage tonight.

Very.

Oh,

is that Jenny Rocket I'm here?

I want to say a very sincere thing to Casey.

I mean this, dude.

Like, like, you know, when you're in the business, whatever, you see some of the younger guys coming up, and sometimes you see a dude that makes you go, fuck, man, this guy, I got to work harder.

You're one of those fucking guys to me, man.

I'm serious.

Thank you, Joe.

You really are.

I'm serious.

I've started to see.

Thank you.

I've seen a couple people on

social media.

I've been sent some clips of some people.

I don't know their names.

I wouldn't throw anybody under a bus, but I will say that I'm starting to see some up-and-coming comics try to rip that style a bit.

A lot of roaming around, a lot of not looking at people.

I'm starting to see murmurs of it.

The comedy store trip.

How Monica sales have gone through the roof.

It's terrible.

Yeah, riffing is not a victimless crime.

It's not.

I wouldn't advise it.

It's tough.

I don't want to.

We can talk about it later.

But of course.

We'll circle back to it.

Of course.

But that's really flattering.

I'm just a comic, just a guy from his car living the American dream and happy to be here.

Thank you.

We love you, Casey Rocket.

Another unbelievable performance.

Truly,

truly, you have watched this star be born and risen and rises again.

This is the resurrection.

of titty boy LaCroix Casey Rocket.

And that brings us, indeed, to bucket pool number six who knows this next person could be the next KC rocket make some noise for him it's Tim Hill everyone Tim Hill straight out of the bucket

anything can happen there's Tim Hill

Austin Texas is everybody doing good on New Year's

Good, good.

So I just want to say every woman in the world, every woman reaches an orgasm differently.

Fellas, listen.

Every woman comes differently.

Every woman takes a little something different to reach a climax.

I was dating a lady one time who could only come while she was on top.

My last girlfriend could only come when she was getting fucked from behind.

The lady I'm with right now can only come if she's getting fucked by a black guy and I'm tied up.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

But tomorrow I'm going to be a couple years sober, actually.

And

don't woo.

I have a minute.

But I was in Narcotics Anonymous for a long time, and there was this lady, she was in my group, she was in Narcotics Anonymous.

She was there for weed.

And, yo, I respect everybody, but like, fuck that lady.

You know what?

It's like, hey, yo, we do heroin and benzos in here, sweetheart.

All right?

Get a story or get out, okay?

We're good.

There you go.

Tim Hill, you've been on this show before.

I remember you.

Years ago, yeah.

Welcome, welcome, welcome back.

Was it, were you still on narcotics the last time you were on this show?

No, but the last time I hung out with you, I was.

When did we hang out?

Skank Fest South,

I was toast.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

That's a terrible festival for a recovering narcotics addict to

choose to go to.

I was fucked up.

I was on drugs.

Okay.

Well, I'm proud of you for the journey.

Thank you, man.

I appreciate it.

Unless you want to hang out later.

Yeah, look at that.

Joe DeRosa found the second most beautiful woman on this stage tonight.

I was going to say, I like how Casey was dressed like Lane Stanley and you look like Courtney Love.

It is amazing.

Yeah.

It's a fucking guy who wants to do Coke with me later.

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay.

What's up?

We're getting quiet.

What do you do for work?

I take care of dogs.

I'm like a trainer and stuff like that.

I go around.

I walk dogs.

I work at a place for like a daycare, but I I do a lot of stuff with them hold on but you've got a UPS shirt on this this is are you stealing valor from the UPS yeah yeah

you get to skip the lines and things like that free packages delivered to my house this is my girlfriend shirt

so you really do have a girlfriend yeah how long have you been with her very brief since I got to Texas like right away in March like eight or nine months okay what does she do now she works for a gun company she counts like gun parts

Yeah,

she makes she's fucking putting Glocks together bringing them home.

Yeah, I find parts all over my house.

It's like John Wicks living in my home.

Yeah, almost forgot we were in Texas and then I heard a pop for gun parts

of a gun can't have a whole gun without the parts

I just love them when the parts come together.

This is a hot crowd tonight.

This is a true Texas crowd cheering for gun parts.

People crying.

I saw tears out there during that national anthem.

I saw tears for the Undertaker.

This is a real Texas crowd.

And you did a joke about your girlfriend having sex with black guys while you watched.

But I'm just noticing this in America.

In every hotel room, there is a cuck chair looking at the bed.

So is that more common?

There's always a chair.

So someone gets right at the bed.

Is that a very common...

No, that's Tim Hill's special seat, they'll tell you.

That's mine.

Yeah.

They don't do that in Australia.

They don't have a chair in the bedroom just in case you're.

It doesn't always point directly at the bed.

It's a chair where you're supposed to, like, I don't know, take your shoes off.

Watch your wife get fucked by another man.

It's truly the land of milk and honey America.

We have a chair in the hotel room.

How fucking bad is shit in Australia?

I'm the king of the castle.

I'm on a chair.

What's an Australian thing that's in a bedroom that's not in an American bedroom?

A real man.

Thank you, that's great.

I appreciate that.

People that don't talk like idiots.

Why would you say that?

I knew it would come to this.

We have perfectly good bedrooms.

We talk in a normal way.

No, you don't.

Listen to yourself.

Yeah, it's fair.

Sound like like I'm warm.

Here's why it's hard.

I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia.

And as I was in line,

I heard a woman talking.

And I thought, fuck, she's retarded.

And then I realized it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me.

I also love that the Australian pronunciation of retarded is equal to the Boston pronunciation of retarded.

Retarded.

You got to pay the respect to where it came from, you know?

Tim, what's the craziest thing we'd be surprised to know about you that since the last time you've been on this show a couple years ago?

Let's talk to Ladies Dick.

Whoa.

You guys got

up.

Let's sit down and have a conversation, my friend.

Welcome to another episode of Wo DeRosa.

Let's talk about it.

Take us through the evening.

Nice and slow.

Don't just go straight to like the, so she's coming down the back of my throat.

Like, where did you see her?

Where did you meet her?

What take it nice and easy?

It's a pretty simple story.

You go on a website called List Crawler.

Wait, what the fuck is that?

I sucked a prostitute's dick.

Oh my god.

There was a condom on it, which made me feel more like a whore

than I did in the first place.

You basically sucked a dildo.

Yeah,

that's like making a sandwich for the guy at Subway.

No, that...

It sounds like that, but no.

When the interest is to see a lady with giant tits and a cock,

the $75 is worth it.

You paid $75 to suck a lady's dick with a condom on it?

Yeah.

It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like.

right?

Like, conservative has changed its meaning pretty drastically over the last two years.

Look, so let me speak for that.

It's like a right-wing podcast, they're all sucking whore dick.

Let me let me let me speak for everybody when I say everyone in America deserves to suck a lady's dick.

We just don't want our kids to have to hear about it in school.

The second they graduate high school, it's fucking condoms ready.

I'll clear it up.

It was a three-way dick suck with a woman who I was with.

Dig up!

Wait, say that again?

I used to have sex on the internet, you know?

What do you mean, sex on the internet?

I'm going to get there.

I had sex on chatterbait, if you're familiar.

Ooh, standing ovation from Redban, our senior disgusting correspondent.

And

we wanted to switch it up.

So we got tits and a dick at the same time.

Not a common order on the internet.

Hold on.

So this is with your girlfriend?

Yeah.

So you and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here.

Correct.

Let's go.

That's the start and stop of the story.

We find one on the internet.

Oh.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned heterosexual love.

Well, because here's a problem.

Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation?

By the way, I just want to take a moment.

About 20 seconds ago, there was a guy on the final thing when I said, so you and your girl had a girl with a dick come over and some guy over there goes, gay.

Like it's like where have you been the last seven minutes, sir?

You just wake up?

Is that Vic landing from the third floor again?

It's like,

yay!

What's a sprinkler doing next to me?

But this ends with a sprinkler in your face as well.

It sure does, yeah.

Okay.

You know, because my girlfriend and I, we were on Chatterbait a lot, and we had regular people who liked the things that we did, and they wanted a little switch-up.

Right.

And hey, it's a switch-up that I didn't fucking hate.

Right.

Okay, so the woman comes over.

You throw a con, do you you guys just get right to it?

Is there any small talk?

There's drug use.

Okay, what kind of drugs?

Coke is what I was on.

Okay.

And the hooker, the trans hooker, did Coke as well?

The hookers won't do your drugs.

I don't know if you boys have ever tried, but the hookers are playing it safe nowadays.

Right.

And they won't do drugs.

All I wanted for two years was to do Coke in a room with a hooker.

And

they would hang out with me.

It's not a hard thing to achieve.

Dude, it's harder than you'd fucking think, apparently.

It's not.

all right show me around then

this is incredible this is the world that people who hated the beatles were afraid of

they knew it started with a man with long hair and it ended here

attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the internet you're like 80 pounds and a dick in your mouth away from being me okay

That's true.

There was a fork in the road and we went down.

I went with the sandwich.

You went with the penis.

There was a fork in your mouth.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

You're a wheelchair away from being Lieutenant Dan.

Okay, so the hooker comes over.

You and your girlfriend do drugs.

The hooker refuses your drugs, starts slowly putting on a condom.

No, they hang out.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, she gets it.

I get sucked, you know, a little bit by both of them.

And then we do what the people on the internet are asking for,

which is.

So you went live on the internet sucking addiction.

Yes.

Wow.

Any regrets the next morning?

No.

I love that.

No, just an unlocked thing that I know I like now that I can't.

A lot of guys are sobering up out there, realizing that this guy's out there sucking cops and that they don't like that.

How much money did you make, though?

A good amount.

More than the $75, you fucking homophobes.

So you pull the profit off that.

Yeah, 100%.

Easy peasy.

Hotel room, Coke, and hooker free.

Wow.

At what point do you and your girlfriend stream the AIDS test?

That's Patreon.

That's next week.

Is the clip findable somewhere?

Is it on?

Oh, okay.

Red Band was trying.

I wanted to help.

Can you go backwards on Chatterbait, Red Band?

You know.

You already have a chokebook?

No.

Here you go.

There goes

damn.

Well, no, that's another person's job.

There goes Tim Hill, everybody.

Oh, boy.

This place is about to go crazy again.

Uh-oh.

Another person who wasn't here last night who just got into town today is yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Akil Tony Hall of

Famer.

A guy absolutely, I believe, second place for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, a roast god.

This

is

the one and only David Lucas.

Yeah,

thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Y'all ever notice that snatching a black girl's wig off

is equivalent to taking the mask off of the criminal on Scooby-Doo?

It's like, I knew it was you.

She's like, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you, kids.

I don't know what it is about snatching a black girl's wig off, but that shit changed her DNA.

You know what I'm saying?

Because when you snatch the wig off the eyebrows come with it

my relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch wig off

I snatched her wig off and I call the cops on that hoe

I'm like hey it's a hood nigga in my bathroom

somebody uncle just went in my closet

But I think if you're in a relationship and you've been with a girl at least three months, you should have at least seen her natural face.

Because the first time you see your girl without makeup, it's like, damn, baby, I didn't know you had six months to live.

What the fuck?

If I knew that shit was terminal, I would have never cheated on your ass.

All right, that's my time.

Fuck yes.

The return

of the legend.

Yeah.

David Lucas.

Tony,

uh-oh.

You look like a gay nigga nigga going through a divorce.

Yes.

That motherfucker got his sleeves rolled up like he about to split everything in half,

including the dildo.

This is your half.

What's up, Tony?

I know you're going to look.

Well, we know you're not splitting anything in half.

We know what you split in half.

Oh, you son of a

God.

Your hat is as backwards as your diet.

Why you so red, nigga?

You got to stop letting your man abuse you.

You up here looking like a ripe tomato, bitch.

Yo, ass.

I'm going to throw it at the next bucket pool that don't do good.

I can't believe you know what a tomato is.

That's a vegetable.

With nutrients in it, but you know what a cucumber is

you fucking gay motherfucker.

That nigga Tony know what a sandwich pickle is.

Look at it.

He want one right now.

And that nigga smoking that cigarette thinking about a dick.

God damn it.

You are on fire already.

Look at you.

You look like

somebody's fucking teddy bear ate everything.

I just be missing Tony so much.

God damn, what's up, Tony?

Joe DeRosa.

Yeah.

That nigga looked like the kid off of the Wild Thornberries.

Yep.

What was that kid's name on the Wild Thornberry?

David.

It's nice to finally be in a room big enough that you can fit into.

Joe, if you would have been riding in the front seat of JFK's car, he wouldn't be dead.

You big head bitch.

Water balloon head ass nigga.

Get the fuck out of here.

Look at that nigga head out here looking like Jimmy Neutron.

Bitch, get your.

It's true.

It's true.

That motherfucker look like an educated llama.

Get your dumbass.

Look at that nigga head.

I like that you're keeping the chocolate Twizzlers inside your hat now.

Joe DeRosa look like he got a football helmet on, boy, such.

Big head ass.

If you had button nigga, it'd be a first-degree homicide charge.

Big head bitch.

God damn it.

Now you got to take an aspirin with a bow and arrow.

David Lucas.

Tony, how many boyfriends you got now?

Oh, my God.

You stop it.

Especially after that Trump shit, nigga.

I know you got some motherfucking exotic niggas now, boy.

Hell yeah.

Tony out here with all type of Puerto Rican niggas at his house.

Before I was a blatant Republican, the only elephant that supported me was you.

Don't laugh at that shit, man.

Fuck this, nigga.

Oh, yeah.

Got him.

Tony, I don't even know why you're a Republican because you can't get abortions no more.

What?

You can't get no more abortions, nigga.

You're the one that looks like you're pregnant with triplets.

I might be.

That is incredible.

Every time I'm nut in a bitch, I get pregnant.

Have you not tried Ozempic?

Are you allergic to it or something?

What's going on?

You haven't tried it?

You know there's an easy way around this now.

Tony, you out here taking zestosterone, bitch.

Your buddy looking...

What a gay ass nigga.

Dave's like, I've been eating the Ozempic.

It's not working.

Joe DeRosa, we're going to put your head on some Ozempic, bitch.

Your head needs to go on a slip-ass diet, bitch.

Look at James, he's fat.

No, I'm sitting this out.

I was very happy to sit this one out.

That motherfucker James looked like William Montgomery waking up from a 20-year karma.

You shut your mouth.

You shut your bitch mouth, David Lucas.

David Lucas looked like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls.

I'm not taking this from you.

Oh, shit.

You woke the Australian roast beast.

I want to wake that nigga up, boy.

It looked like somebody put your ass in the dryer, bitch.

That motherfucker said, I got to be the kill Tony in 30 minutes.

Let me go in the dryer.

Well, if people would stop canceling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare.

I call it.

You bitch.

You dumb bitch.

You're so nice backstage.

What is this weird persona?

Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8,000 people?

Your mama raised you better than that.

Yeah.

A kangaroo raised you, you Australian bitch.

Did you drive a Subaru here, you fucking lesbian?

Get your ass out of here, James McCann.

You look like a disheveled lesbian.

Get your motherfucking...

Oh, yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed.

You don't have any problems going on in the body.

People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much, David.

If David lived in a glass house, he wouldn't be able to lean against any of the walls.

Y'all ganging up on me now?

I'm kind of like niggas gang up on Tony.

You stop!

Yeah, it's funny.

Motherfucker.

Joe DeRosa, go ahead.

What's your head got to say?

I like to see you put on a baseball cap, nigga.

Your head is on the last notch.

Show the notch to the people.

It's on the last fucking notch.

Can we zoom in on that notch?

But Joe DeRosa, you look like one of them rattlesnake preachers.

You know what I'm saying?

When rattlesnakes bite you, then you pray it off.

All right, that wasn't that good.

Yeah, don't try to get Shawty.

Joe

look like someone who has given richard nixon advice

look at him

you do look at him jay can't just make me laugh i don't know i watched a watergate documentary you're in it a lot

you look like somebody bleached david lucas you fat i'll accept it he's not that fat that's like my yes he is he's fat oh in my country if i was his eyes i'd be happy In my country, I'm very, very fat.

For real?

Australia.

In America, I'm doing okay.

In America, you're healthy, nigga.

That's a I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart.

That is a good time.

I've seen you there.

We've been out there together.

I don't shop at Walmart, nigga.

What the fuck is you talking about?

Joe DeRosa looks like he can only drive convertibles with that head, nigga.

Or a fucking car with a swimroof.

You just see his head poking out the top.

If you see Joe DeRosa's head shadowed, that means we got 30 more days.

This is incredible.

Crown DeRosa Day.

David Lucas is only here because when he heard HEB Center, he thought he was going to the best grocery store ever.

H-E-B is

a good grocery store.

It's fantastic.

Yeah, it's a good grocery store.

That's where you can catch him on mobility scooters.

I actually do groceries delivered to my house.

Really?

Really?

You don't move around much?

That's a surprise.

If you get a headache, you're going to be in the hospital for three days.

No, I had this man picked as a whole foods man because he's eating the whole foods up in that store.

That's all I have.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I'm going to take a kangaroo to beat your ass.

This is incredible.

You really get groceries delivered?

Yeah.

Are they done drive-by style?

What do you order, Tony?

Fucking.

You know me.

Sausage right up my ass.

Organic.

As long as it's organic.

Hell yeah.

No condom.

So, David, how's life been going?

You've been on the road, you've been traveling around.

Yes, sir.

Got a lot of tour days for 2025.

Me and you got some exciting stuff coming up.

Yep.

so you will be seeing a lot of stuff from me and Tony in 2025.

I can't wait for the world to see that.

Yep,

yeah, just touring, doing shows.

Thank you for everybody who has supported.

We love you, David.

You're a fucking monster, an absolute beast.

Thank you, man.

I appreciate it.

Make some fucking noise for the great and powerful David Lucas.

You might as well

My man one more time for David everybody again

Hall of Famer legend and speaking of legends Let's just go back to back chaos before we get back to this bucket you guys want back to back chaos

I Present to you here to grace us with his presence.

It's unbelievable just like the undertaker being here.

This is so surreal for a fucking young punk like myself that fucking started when I was younger thinking who knows where this can go here to do an appearance on this show ladies and gentlemen the first comedian to ever sell out an arena one of the greatest of all time I present to you this is indeed the return of Andrew Dice Clay

You know what, Tony?

You know what?

I should have, I mean,

number one, let's hear for Tony Henchcliffe.

He's unreal.

But, you know, and I know it's New Year's Eve.

I mean, I saw the Undertaker.

I fucked them.

But the thing is this, Tony,

I am a little upset.

I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because

you know when you carry something, you know, Joe, when something's bothering you?

And I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my chest, it's really going to bother me, and I won't be able to do anything for you, because

I'm getting ready for the show, right?

And I tell her all the time, because I follow a list.

I put things like fingerless gloves I stole from Dick's Sporting Goods.

Check.

And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the list, but she makes a noise.

And I come over and I tell her, as nice as you, shut up.

I go back to the list,

shoes by Ferre Regamo.

She makes another noise

it gets a little more severe i'm telling you the truth you know i feel like an asshole but i come over and i go you know shut the up

i mean you understand if somebody said that to you you would understand it right

she makes another noise

and i'm just gonna out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside and I've been sitting backstage for a while.

And

I come over to her and

with one hand

I'm just I can't lie I just can't do it and

and with one hand I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall this piece of shit

and I bash her on the fucking ground And now she's in fucking pieces.

You know, I got Alexa during the pandemical.

And everything was beautiful back then.

I don't know, I'd come out of the room in the morning, I'd go, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio.

Come fly with me.

Let's fly.

Let's fly away.

Thank you.

Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Alexa, what's the weather like outside?

Oh, it's sunny with a few clouds in the sky.

And about eight months ago, it starts, right?

I come out, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio.

She starts playing some fucking rock and roll.

She ate,

Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes.

Nothing.

Tell him in the shower.

20 minutes later, and she starts beep beep beep beep hoping I slip and break my fucking hip

what

why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys

I know that would have never been a problem Anthony play Frank Sinatra radio come fly with me let's fly let's fly away Anthony set the coffee timer for five minutes Dice you only gotta tell me one fucking time

I'm not fucking Alexa me and you were the same.

Go take your fucking shower and if you want to know the weather look out the fucking window.

And here we are fucking New Year's Eve.

This is the night.

Let me tell you, this is one load at a time, fellas.

Everybody gets to shoot their moose juice.

all over you tonight.

That's what it's all about.

And tonight, it's not just about a quick bang.

It's about being a fucking mechanic.

Walk around the bed, pal.

Take a good look at her and what she's wearing.

Be a mechanic.

Move the tongue to the side.

Nice, beefy clam chops between her legs.

You get on missionary.

Why?

Why would you get on missionary?

Just to break a sweat.

Loosen the back muscles, the back of your legs, get on your toes, dig in a little.

Now, when you break a sweat, you grab her by her ankle, pull it to the edge of the bed, catty corner.

It's the best fucking workout in the world.

You're doing the screwdriver, you're working your shoulders, your tries, your bi's.

It's incredible.

Now you're going to do your fucking squats.

Hold on to that fucking ankle.

But on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink lip lagoon.

On the sixth time down, my friend, you missed the pink lip lagoon, and your tongue goes in a whole other area.

And when your tongue goes in her

asshole,

by the way, the asshole they used to hide from us with extra long pussy hairs.

And today they take it to the salon, they get it bleached out, buffed out, put a little studded fucking earring in there.

So when your tongue goes in there, what does the chick do?

They all look to the left.

They're all like,

did he do what I think he just did?

And then the show begins.

As putty, ass, putty.

Tit, tit, tit, ankle, putty, putty, putty, ass,

ass.

Like you're honking a horn.

As,

as.

Then you pick up the tempo.

As, putty, ass, putty, ass, putty.

Tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit,

putty

and I learned all of that

from all of my mom's best fucking friends

and that's where you are on New Year's Eve

I just

I just came out

And I heard when you yelled that out.

I heard it.

But I don't know if these people would know the mother goose stuff.

So

you know

I'm not I'm not gonna stand up here unless I really hear that you fucking know this

Little Miss Moffat sat on a tuffet

eating her curds and whey.

Long came a spidey, sat down beside.

He said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?

Oh!

Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down with 250.

Oh!

Little boy blue, he needed the money.

Iggage.

Hickory dickory dock, this chick was sucking my cock.

The clock struck two, I dropped my goo, I dumped a bitch on the next block.

Oh!

Oh, mother hubby went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone.

She bent over,

Rover took over.

Oh, she got a bone of her own.

You've been a great crowd.

God bless.

Happy fucking New Year's.

I love you, Austin.

Thank you, Tony.

I love you.

Good night.

Andrew

Dice

Clay, ladies and gentlemen.

You are in it.

The vortex of fucking chaos that is Kill Tony in its hometown in an arena.

You guys having fucking fun tonight or what?

We're going back to the bucket.

Somebody has to follow the first comedian that ever did an arena straight out of a bucket.

Could be you.

One minute uninterrupted to the seventh bucket pull of the night that goes by the name of Cameron Altman, everybody.

Cameron Altman.

Make some noise for Cameron, everybody.

What's up, Austin?

So, denying the Holocaust is like denying OJ did the crime.

It's kind of like denying Sleepy Joe's a pedo.

So, the left says Hitler's coming to power this year.

Hitler?

Ugh, if that's the case, I may need to borrow somebody's attic.

I don't feel like writing a diary, so all it's really gonna say is we didn't learn shit from our history.

Give them a circus, and none shall revolt.

Welcome to the circus, folks.

I guess so.

Anyways,

sorry.

So,

eat the rich, everybody's saying.

I'd go down on a lonely old widow for a chance at owning a house in this economy.

Okay, I'm going to save you immediately.

Cameron, Cameron Altman, welcome, welcome.

How are you?

Doing well, Tony.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

A couple months now.

Okay, all of it here in Austin?

No, in Denver, actually.

Okay, well, welcome from Denver.

Is that where you're originally from?

No, I'm originally from Oklahoma.

For those of you listening,

there is nothing this guy can do more to be hated by this audience.

I'm trying my best.

No, Oklahoma sucks.

It's a bunch of pedophiles.

You're doing a good job.

Keep trying.

Take a step.

Literally.

Cameron, take a step forward.

Look out at those people and tell them why Oklahoma sucks.

Oklahoma sucks because there's a bunch of meth addicts that touch children.

Okay.

Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma?

They hate Oklahoma.

Do they like touching children?

No.

What did Ghost say?

Okay, Red Band.

Thank you.

It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay.

People do say that.

That's fair.

It is, especially when you don't have material and your eyes are closer than Clinton and Epstein.

Look at those fucking things.

Your eyes are almost touching.

Traumatic brain gingeria, too.

My brother threw a rock at my head.

Oh my god.

All right, the crowd isn't.

I want to say now.

Cameron, here's a little joke book.

I'm going to save you.

You don't need to.

Oh, Jesus, to just hit him between the eyes.

It's impossible to hit him between the eyes.

So keep going.

Do we have a replay of him?

I'm not afraid of anything anymore.

All right.

All right.

I'm calling for a slow-mo replay of that book hitting him.

I'm wondering how long it'll take.

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Where is it at here?

Here it's going to come.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Give it to me one more time, Anthony.

It's just too good.

Oh, look at this.

We happen to have the production team from the UFC here, so I can literally...

Oh, yeah, right.

Oh my god.

Wow, that is incredible.

I mean,

his fingers weren't even close.

The throat is incredibly accurate, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, and look at the reaction time.

That is a true traumatic brain injury.

He blinks seconds after it hits him.

Oh, and he tried to catch the rebound.

Not even close.

Wow, ladies and gentlemen, we might be the first arena show ever to watch the cause of a suicide happen in real time.

He's going to be back.

He's going to make it.

This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him and he was like, fuck you, I'm going to take over.

That guy's going to get some jokes and he's going to be back.

He could end up being the best comedian of all time.

Suck up his booze.

I don't care.

I'm strong.

Boo away, fat man from Oklahoma.

I can't believe I missed that whole thing.

I was peeing and I just heard a wave of booze.

I couldn't explain to you what happened if I tried.

It's a haunted house.

That was nuts.

I'm going to change the tone of this room yet again, everybody.

Don't worry, you booing

people.

This is a very emotional audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a freak of nature that makes writing and performing a new minute look like a casual fucking putting butter on your toast in the morning.

I present to you one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know him.

This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everyone.

You can get louder than that.

Can y'all tell I ran out of material yet?

Nigga, I ain't got shit to say.

I say this.

I just learned how to do that backstage, and I thought that was going to be pretty fucking funny if I could have pulled it off.

But it would have been cool to do that in like 19, like 32.

You take over a whole fucking town, nigga.

Like, this nigga's a witch and a nigga.

What's

the fuck going on here, man?

I tell you this.

I

fuck Barack Obama, nigga.

Not for the reasons you think, brother.

That nigga was too happy.

No, I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, even the president of the United States.

And I was like, what is that?

And then she said he made the rules for the country.

And Cam, you could even be the first black president of the United States.

And then when I was in third grade in 2008, Barack Obama became the first black president.

And that fucked nigga took my dreams from me.

And I sold crap the next day all right that's it I'm done

I love that what the fuck I think that's a great fucking joke that's one of my favorite jokes that's that's a great joke all right whatever you say brother I'll bet that bitch stressing like a motherfucker Tony

I ain't have shit I'm like this water thing on the only thing I have right now I swear to God you're getting in your own head that's what happens you have it almost worked Were you using a netcom?

What happened there?

It was a magnet.

It was supposed to to be magic, nigga.

I was doing magic.

Cam, I'm just curious.

Huh?

What was supposed to happen with the upside-down cup?

It was supposed to stay like that.

And then what?

And then that was it.

Oh, okay.

Well.

I did that same thing in Boston, and they loved it, but they dumb.

So it's...

You did what?

The water trick?

Oh, they fucking lost their minds in Boston.

You don't like that?

No, what?

The water trick?

Yeah.

I love the water trick.

You love the water trick.

It's pretty.

I just learned that shit in Boston.

It was dope.

I've never seen a black person in Boston.

Like, here you go, black man.

We're gonna teach you some tricks.

It's a water cup.

We have a replay of it.

Let's see the replay of your what you consider your lowest moment in comedy history.

Very proud, right there.

Oh,

with a look of absolute shock.

The sheer surprise that it didn't work.

Wow.

I was so confident in it.

I can't believe it.

Not gonna hold you.

Listen, real shit, it was easy.

I was gonna do that.

I was gonna come in and just start jerking for like two minutes, nigga.

That was it.

That's all I had.

I can't wait for the next bucket pull to get electrocuted because your horseshit magic trick didn't work.

I'm telling you, the Obama joke is good.

Man, that shit is terrible, nigga.

Why?

It just not good.

It don't got no beats to it.

It's not good.

It's not good as it.

We'll figure it out.

Fuck it.

Decide.

I think it was good.

It was all good.

It's good.

Trust me.

It's good.

It's good.

The people love you.

I hate it.

Cam's getting in his head.

This is what happens when you fucking make it and you're selling out shows and it's continuous and you have to write a new minute every week.

I mean, again, that is a job that none of your favorite comedians, none of them, none of them that you think in the world that are the best, none of them want to put out a new minute every single week on the fucking internet.

None of them.

Trust me, I promise.

Ask them when you see them.

Ask them why they don't do it.

Just for free, just for you.

Hey, why don't you put out a minute for me every week?

I've stand-up.

They won't.

They don't.

Because it's scary as fuck.

It's frightening.

And you can't do it.

They can't come up with one minute.

So imagine having to do it every week.

Anyway, there he is.

As you can tell by how hard he's sweating, it's not an easy job.

And plus you have typical making it black eye problems.

Your entourage gets bigger every week.

It's a real thing.

Your hair keeps getting bigger and your sweatpants keep getting tighter.

No, my sweatpants have been the same side the whole time.

Sweatpants ain't changed.

I know, I'm just trying to have fun.

You do have the biggest entourage of anyone I've met in comedy.

It's like four people.

No,

I was at a gig at the mothership a couple of weeks ago and you had 57 people backstage.

Yeah.

You had enough fried chicken to feed a whole neighborhood.

That was for the whole club.

I bought a ticket for the whole club.

Yeah.

Everybody's ticket.

Yeah, but who ate it?

I ate it.

I was there.

I was the only white guy in the green room hanging out and eating the fried chicken.

I had a great time.

I'm surprised you were eating the fried chicken, James.

Wow.

No, it's true.

You have entourage problems.

That's a normal thing.

How many of you think?

What's too many?

Well, it starts with four.

You always come in with four, and then each one of them invites one, and each one of those people invites two.

It's a thing.

You people don't know about this.

We're going to let you know.

See, this is what happened.

That's what's cool about a show like this.

You end up watching white artists and black artists have conversations about the culture.

That's why I only roll with my day one N-words.

Yeah.

You guys?

Yeah.

It's true.

James is part of Shane's crew.

Shane's crew never adds people or takes them away.

They stay strong.

I was a weird addition because I just showed up at his house.

I like the Obama thing.

No, we love the Obama thing.

We're going to still be the first black president who doesn't really disappoint black people.

That's going to happen.

I'm going to disappoint him.

But Obama also is only half black.

So you have a shot at being the first full black president.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, that works.

Yeah.

And when you and the cabinet accomplish, as you call it, your four friends, the cabinet's getting bigger all the time yeah that's your entourage right when you're the president yep yeah type shit yep i'm a genius yep which is good it's true

cam what else is going on same shit running around doing shows shit like that okay hell yeah everything's good everything great all right when i met my dad my dad was happier to meet cam patterson than anyone i've ever met And he ran up and gave you a hug, and you were so nice to my daddy.

You're cool people, man.

And then my dad was like, all right, that's done.

Where's Heidi?

I want to meet Heidi as quickly as possible.

Anything else, Cam?

Everybody loves you.

I don't know what's going on tonight.

I'm good.

I'm happy.

Cam, the only way to get this back is to find a better piece of paper and make that magic trick work properly.

The people demand to see good magic.

Cam, will you do it again with the beer?

You can do it this time, Cam.

I believe in you.

And you know what?

Not only are we going to do that, can you bring the horse girl up here?

We have a young lady named Sarah Sloane, who I made a promise to many months ago on the show.

She can do the greatest horse impression you've ever heard.

I didn't know when I was going to use her or how I was going to use her tonight, but I've decided she's going to make her famous horse noise right now while Cam does the magic trick with a brand new fresh bottle of water

and what appears to be, yeah, some cardboard.

We need to get you a paper bone.

Come over here.

Okay, yep, you're good.

Cam, that's going to fail again.

Can we use this?

Wait, what is that?

Just normal.

Are those my papers?

That's your papers.

I just grabbed that from...

Yeah, I'm sorry.

What is that?

No, what do you need?

Cardboard?

What is that?

I've never even seen this trick trick before.

Cam, you need to believe in yourself.

That's the secret.

All right.

There's no way this is going to work.

Make the horse noise.

And ladies and gentlemen, you're witnessing it.

This is...

The absolute stupidest comedy show of all time.

Make the horse noise one more time.

Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes.

Let's do a replay of the water with one more horse noise.

The horse noise, how about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody?

One more replay.

Watch the monitors while you do it, Sarah.

Do a horse noise with the when it drops.

Here we go.

And

so dumb.

Unbelievable.

How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody?

All of a sudden, we're doing 90s Conan.

This is great.

Oh my god, I can't believe we're gonna win an Emmy for this episode, by the way.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Oh shit.

She's mopping.

Can you believe this?

All right.

Back to the bucket we go.

You guys want another bucket, pull?

All right.

Ooh, this is a very fun name.

Make some noise for Daisy Hart, everybody.

Daisy Hart is next.

Could be the first person to win a golden ticket in an arena.

Could be the first regular maiden arena.

Here she is.

Anyway, Daisy Hart.

What the fuck is up, Texas?

Happy New Year's.

Woo!

Guys, I'm Daisy Hart.

I've been hearing everyone's been calling me Daisy Heartless lately.

I'm like, ah,

I'm sorry, boys.

You gotta be at least this tall to ride the ride.

Fuck you guys.

Y'all, I'm from a sundown town.

If y'all don't know what a sundown town is, they have a sign that says if you're brown, turn around.

I thought that meant if you're brown, turn around,

you know.

Hey, whatever, guys.

Fuck y'all.

Y'all could be jealous.

I am new to comedy, though.

I hear you gotta eat a lot of dicks to be good at comedy.

So,

y'all can start calling me little kamikaze.

It's hard to be this bad

Daisy

They're yelling so much welcome Daisy how long you been doing stand-up?

Uh, it's been almost nine months nine months all of you here in Austin.

Yeah, my first time was with you so on killtony?

Yeah, okay, how's it been going?

It's been going good.

How did it feel tonight?

I mean, I was a little scared of this crowd.

H-E-B is always heavy on the booing.

I think they were scared of you as well.

I mean, they should be.

I got a pretty big package, you know.

What do you mean?

You know,

I carry a big dick on me usually.

What do you mean?

I mean, it's this big.

This is big enough to put a lot of the guys in town to shame.

So it's all good.

Okay.

Daisy, I'm going to give you this little joke book.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I at least did it.

All right.

There she goes, Daisy Hart, everybody.

This is a real show, people.

There goes Daisy Hart.

She's gonna go vote for Kamala one more time.

I'm gonna save us all again.

I can't help myself tonight.

It's just highs and lows, baby.

Highs and lows.

I'm gonna bring up an ice-cold evil legend.

A guy that I've been watching close shows forever.

Whether it be the main room of the comedy store or the back of the mothership, I'm sitting back there.

Every set is different.

I present to you the return of of your favorite comedians.

Favorite comedian.

This is Brian Holtzman.

You guys better get louder than that for the legend Brian Holtzman.

I just cut Daisy down.

She was trying to hang herself backstage.

Somebody go check on that bitch.

Ain't it great when women try to do men shit?

Fuck raising a family, you know, being a member of the community.

Stay in your lane, bitch.

Learn how to cook.

I'm not too happy with the panel.

Trump is going to get this Australian.

He's the first fucking immigrant that's going to get the fuck out of the country.

Oh, did I hurt some of your feelings?

Fuck Bob Dylan.

Playing all that silly love songs.

I was in a toxic relationship.

How long?

18 months?

Why did it take you so long to figure out you were in a toxic relationship?

Was it when he had his hands wrapped around your fucking throat?

Guys know how to get rid of guys quick.

We know when guys are dangerous.

We get away from them real quick.

What's wrong with you bitches?

You can't sense danger.

What was it when he pushed you out of that slow-moving fucking car near the lake?

When he spilt his beer in your face in front of your parents?

Kill yourself!

Kill yourself!

Happy New Year!

It's a brand new year!

Tell all your friends, tell all your people people you know,

stop with the feelings.

We don't give a fuck about your feelings.

I hope everybody got what they wanted for Christmas.

And Kwanzaa.

And Hanukkah.

And ISIS.

You want to decorate the tree or cut somebody's fucking head off?

Yeah, some are laughing, some can't, because you're fucked.

I didn't do it too well.

I got those gift cards again.

Give me the fucking cash.

Give me the cash.

What happens if I want to buy a cock ring?

Am I going to find out a target?

Give me that fucking cash

Here's a gift card.

Why don't you just shit in my hand

Shit in my hand

Give me the cash what happens if I want to buy a fucking asshole extender, you know

Could you see me at Target trying to get an asshole expander

Well, it looks like a reversed egg beater and it has keys on it and you crank it, and it makes your asshole larger.

Do you have it?

Oh, who's not laughing at that, stupid ass?

I got New Year's resolutions, too.

I'm not lifting up the fucking toilet seat with my piss.

I got a prostate problem.

I'm not going up and down with the fucking toilet seat.

Bitch, turn around and see where that seat is.

And if there's piss on it,

be a girl and wipe the fucking urine off.

If I hear you need to lift a seat once more, I'm going to rip the fucking seats out of the whole house.

I told my mother, I'm taking the fucking toilet seats out of the house.

It's going to be like the Philippines.

No toilet seats.

My New Year's resolution.

I'm not putting my shopping cart away.

Fuck you.

You should be happy I'm shopping at this fucking store.

So all you people care about is putting shopping carts away.

Fuck yourself.

I'll put it away.

I put it right in the intersection of the parking lot

and wait for the woman to just drive up and say, and sit there.

They want to send women to the moon.

What are they going to do?

Get up there and complain?

It's too cold.

It's too hot.

Where are they going to find women to go to the moon?

They're all busy playing fucking soccer.

It's a brand new year.

It's a brand new start, a clean slate.

Just be happy and not

have any feelings.

We don't give a fuck about your feelings

Feelings go up and down feelings you know feelings are like a fart

Once you fart you don't miss that fart

Well, maybe I didn't explain that quite right

I'm not used to playing a whole fucking town

But it's a new it's a brand new year.

It's it's I'm I'm optimistic about it

I'm very optimistic about it.

I'm even more optimistic about remembering what I was gonna say up here

Hey, shut your motherfucking mouth

Throw him out throw that motherfucker down

Kill Tony, kill him, kill him.

You probably voted for that fucking Harris bitch.

I hope Trump, Trump, Trump, when he gets in office, he's going to kill everybody in the country.

You know, what was his name?

Gravedigger?

What was how dare you?

The big guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I fucked him.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Brian Holtzman, everybody.

A legendary set.

Make some noise for him, everybody.

The great, the powerful Brian Holtzman is back.

Let's go back-to-back chaos.

You guys like back-to-back chaos?

Let's do it.

I present to you another

one of the greatest regulars in this show's history.

A man who needs no introduction at all, but I'm giving it to him anyway in the way of saying that this man will indeed be a citizen of the United States

of America,

this

is the Estonian assassin.

Hey, hey

Bam

Check this shit out, huh?

You like this?

I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks.

Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full?

But he sees Hitler walking, he's like, ah!

I've always been flexible.

And when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get

is, can you?

suck your own dick

now we've all tried

Every guy here even before you could read you are like

infinite energy

a self-sustaining unit

And I gotta tell you I'm pretty close I can

I can like tongue the tip like

I can like clean myself off, you know?

Get some of that cheese.

Oh yeah, I've tasted my own calm, fuck you, it's delicious.

I love when women are like, cum is disgusting.

You bitches do know that what you have down there ain't no creme brulee either.

At least my shit has protein and the future

come is disgusting is a pretty pretentious thing to say when I have a mouthful of piss huh

I was telling my friend John that I'm pretty close And my friend John literally looks me in the eyes and he goes, Ari,

that's because you're doing it wrong.

The way you're supposed to do it is you go on your back and you throw your legs over your head

and now you let gravity

like a fucking oil rig

and I was like John I'm not gonna do that

Because what if my fucking roommate walks in

at least with this when he walks in I get to be like lol tried it you know

but if you walk in and I'm full Richard Simmons

getting physics involved

that's at least a conversation

thank you very much thank you

very fun set very relatable we've all absolutely been there.

We've all tried many different ways to suck our own dicks.

A little fun fact, you know, this show's gone a long time.

I don't really ever go backwards.

I'm not one to reminisce, but Red Man did remind me of the time in which he insisted that he could suck his own dick.

Yeah, I did.

And he said,

Yeah, we did it on the show.

I couldn't believe it, ladies and gentlemen.

How close were you?

Well, a fun fact is he took your second approach.

He took the on-the-shoulders, fuck yourself.

I did it actually on stage.

His hips.

That was before I ate like pumpkins and stuff like that.

That's what I was wondering.

I used to be able to touch the tip of it.

He wasn't even close, by the way.

It was like 17 inches away.

I used to be able to do it, but it was just like, oh, yeah.

You think you could do it right now?

How many of you think Red Pitch should try it right now?

How many of you say?

This is the biggest moment.

This has been the biggest year of his life.

Two minutes in Madison Square Garden the LA Forum the YouTube theater resorts oh shit

the undeniable

co-creator of the Joe Rogan experience

I will show you how much fatter I am the co-host of Kiltoni is about to go to the middle of the stage and second zone death

Oh, Anthony, get all the cameras ready for this shit.

Oh

god.

Again, we're gonna need a yardstick to measure.

He's cracking his back.

He's doing some stretches that he's never done before.

There is dust coming out of his loins right now.

The man is made of.

Oh my god.

Wait, you gotta do better than that, Rippin.

It wasn't even kind of.

This is a new.

You're literally just laying on your back.

That's all you're doing.

He's got the comedian's cheering for him

Suck your own fucking cock

Come on stop being a f ⁇ ing suck your cock

What happened?

Whippies

That was unbelievable That's frankly the best that could have gone for all of us, I think.

Also, by the way, Brian's ass cracked a lot cleaner than I expected.

He wipes.

He once.

He's good at that.

He smells better than you would think, and his ass is cleaner than you would think.

Ari, how's it going?

Good.

I got this fucking t-shirt.

Check this out.

Boom, security unit.

Uh-oh.

I stole it from Walmart.

What are you going to do?

Shoot me.

See this shit?

What is that?

I mean, yeah, and the security, and the thing went off.

Beep, beep, beep.

The security guy just looked at me like,

wow.

What a pleasure to be white in this country, huh?

That is amazing.

That's a chip clip.

Was that the only thing you stole?

Yeah.

I mean, it was actually, I was buying a PlayStation controller, and it was way overpriced than in the website, and I make my own little math, you know?

Hell yeah.

If you fuck me on the price, I'll get it back.

Absolutely.

I have my own little Robin Hood in my head.

Absolutely.

Little Estonian Robin Hood.

Does Estonia have like,

I don't know, fucking like legendary stuff that they've made?

What do you mean?

Is there like a Disney of Estonia?

Is there like a green?

No.

I mean, we haven't had a lot of time.

We were born in 1991.

Give us some time, Tony.

I'm working on it, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

I mean, it's 34 years at this point.

You could have come up with something.

What have you done?

I don't have to do shit.

I'm from the United States.

You've got a cool flag?

Oh.

Only the comedians, yeah.

Yeah, the comedians are getting wild.

They're starting to realize.

Okay.

Here we go.

Okay.

Actually, maybe we are one of the more conservative podcasts.

Guys, you're the biggest country in the world.

You don't have to pick on Estonia.

You could pick on a big, cool country.

How many people?

Fuck Australia.

We're a real country.

If there was another big, cool country aside from us, we'd fucking pick on it.

Yeah.

What's happening with those drones over New Jersey?

Fucking China getting up in your face?

You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey.

Real Americans would have shot them down, but you're just taking it like a cock.

What are you doing in New Jersey, America?

They were smart to pick New Jersey.

That's a great point.

If that was Texas, we never would have heard that fucking news so far.

Got him.

That would have been the first drone.

All right, Ari.

You did it again.

Thank you so much, Tony.

Thank you, Brian.

Let's go.

We're doing the damn thing.

Thank you, Tony family.

Bye.

This show's running fucking long.

So, I mean, I don't know, back-to-back-to-back chaos.

There's only one thing we can really do at this point.

Because, believe it or not, that's as fucking powerful as a comedy show gets.

Three and a half hours of insanity.

And now you've earned the final level.

I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances.

The Hall of Famer Famer with the most interviews.

Whatever you do, you do not want to leave.

There's fun stuff happening as I present to you

the Round Rock Robin,

the HEB

Wasp.

This is the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine.

Lights out

William

Montgomery.

My new year's resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters.

Oh, hell no.

That's my impression of what the United Healthcare vice president said when they told him he was being promoted to CEO.

We don't give a fuck about that healthcare bullshit.

Country singer Brad Paisley's wife had a damaged vocal cord that prevented her from speaking for two years.

And I'm just trying to figure out how lucky is that fucking guy?

Y'all know that bitch be talking.

I feel like I've tried every drug and then someone brings up poppers the other day and I forgot about that one.

Hey, Red Band, what are those like again?

It's like a gay drug.

I'm insinuating Red Band is gay.

Okay, let's keep her moving.

You look pretty gay on the fucking ground just a minute ago.

Holy shit,

you're way more flexible than I thought you would be.

I just realized the animated cartoon Scooby-Doo, Where Are You, has a laugh track?

Apparently, Scooby-Doo was drawn in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, that's my time, Townet.

I couldn't have said it better myself

The red goat

the ginger

giant William Montgomery

It's almost new year

We are living the fucking American dream out here, William and I think I would like to know I did come here with four guns in my fucking trunk tonight I'm staying at the La Quinta Inn right down the street if anybody wants to come James is coming okay

you always go all out for all these big shows you were dressed up real nice last night there was an unbelievable outfit tonight an unbelievable outfit is that the new year's baby This I am the New Year's baby, Tony.

I am actually going to, last night I was talking about, look at all these people that don't like the New Year's baby.

It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here?

It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here for some of these fucking people?

Tony, last night you were an Asian woman in a kimono.

And a hat, as we see up there.

You look beautiful looking at yourself right now.

For Kawanda.

My sash was falling.

But yeah, Tony, it is so nice to be here.

Looking forward to 2025.

It's on this year.

What are you looking forward to in 2025?

Well, Tony, I'm actually quitting comedy.

I'm kind of sick of it now, and I'm going to start working on a train, a locomotive.

I'm literally put in the paperwork a couple of days ago, Tony.

Why?

What?

Yeah, I'm going to work at a locomotive.

I don't know.

A lot of people don't know this kind of behind-the-scenes stuff.

Red Band has been really mean to me recently.

I'm gonna work on a fucking train, dude.

I'm done with this.

That means you're gonna quit stand-up comedy.

Wait, Tony, I was just kidding.

I never

going

to stop.

You know what I want to do?

I want you to stay up here.

I want to bring up all the regulars and all the golden ticket winners, if I can, that were on earlier.

And I want to bring up one more person.

One of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin, one of the big reasons why I moved to Austin is because I already had friends here.

Ron White, Joe Rogan, had recently moved here, and one of my longest friends, long-term friends that I've had in Austin, huge comedy fan, and one of the best musicians in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring up Austin's own Gary Clark Jr.

And let's get out of here with a a fucking rock song.

Let's all sing it together.

We're still an hour 15 away from midnight, so I figure we'll do a fucking rock and roll song with the man himself,

guest of Kill Tony,

the man.

Make some fucking noise for Martin Phillips, Liz Splatt, Uncle Lazer, Aaron Belial, Casey Rocket, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Brian

Drew Nickens is here, Valerie Vaughn, Andrew Dice Clay,

Sarah Sloan Heidi is here.

What a fucking crew

Austin makes some fucking noise.

Here come all flat top, he calm.

Grooving up slowly, he got Jude.

You have all he wants.

Holy roller, he got head

down

to

his knee.

Got to be a joker,

just do what it pleases, yeah.

He wear no shoes shine.

Bottle cracker, he says.

Morning, morning, and on

yesterday,

he got to be alone.

Cause he looked like me.

Could come to yesterday.

right now

over me

to worry about the one God

Come together

right

now

Over me

Last time, last time last time

Come together

right now

Make some fucking noise with a great parable on this floor.

Get a fight, man.

Shingle you, everybody.

Appreciate it, buddy, homie.

And in normal tradition, as we go on, we're gonna show you the next arena that we're going to go for sale.

Here, roll that video, Anthony.

We love you.

Thank you.

Love you.

And tonight, April 5th, the largest arena in Kiltoni history will be

Nashville, Tennessee, baby.

We'll see you guys there.

Gary Clinton Jr.

Joe DeRosa,

James McKinnon, William Montgomery,

the joints from Ryan J.

Evo and Chris Rogers are in.

Let's see them.

Did you guys have fun tonight?

One more time for Gary Clark Jr.

John Deans, market stake.

Unbelievable drawings from Chris Rogers and Ryan J.

E.

Both.

The next show said Nashville goes on sale January 3rd, I think, at 9 a.m.

Nashville Austin time.

You guys gonna fucking party tonight?

Welcome to Austin, Texas.

The greatest city in the world in the greatest country on planet Earth.

USA.

USA.

Yogi Christie, Notorious Productions, Anthony Bryan, TJ, fucking everybody, Austin, Texas.

We love you guys so much.

Thank you.

God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America.

We love you guys.

Thank you.

Good night.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

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