#706 - 2025 NYE

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 2 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 2 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 2 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Oh shit.

Speaker 7 Oh

Speaker 7 my.

Speaker 7 Oh my god. Fucking hefty clean, baby.
Night.

Speaker 8 Yeah, it's crazy, my brother. I hate you, nigga.

Speaker 10 She must have made it.

Speaker 10 What the fuck she does?

Speaker 11 Is that fucking Tony Hawk?

Speaker 12 I'm feeling true Nickets!

Speaker 14 Drew Nickets! What the fuck, Drew Nickett?

Speaker 15 Oh my god!

Speaker 16 Would you like to be on the secret show this thing?

Speaker 15 Alright, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 18 Let's go, Tony.

Speaker 19 She doesn't eat pussy.

Speaker 21 She all hell gnaws on him.

Speaker 22 Earthquakes on his feet. I'm killing.

Speaker 15 Oh, my God.

Speaker 24 Fuck you, Tony.

Speaker 15 The roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history. Holy shit, ever.

Speaker 14 Autism runs in my family.

Speaker 20 It's sprinting in your family.

Speaker 28 Oh my god, let's see that.

Speaker 30 I used to get high with the Night Stalker.

Speaker 15 This is Joe Biden.

Speaker 31 The real president of the United States is here.

Speaker 6 Who do you shit, my pants?

Speaker 25 It holds a YouTube record for retention rate, 2.5 billion minutes watch.

Speaker 34 You Americans are really quite deranged.

Speaker 35 We are.

Speaker 28 Is it possible to eat it with our butt?

Speaker 28 We fucking did it.

Speaker 15 There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago? Yeah. What the fuck is going on? Deep Madness is live?

Speaker 15 I mean, wow, you look stunning tonight, William. Come on, can I coconut pie?

Speaker 15 Please welcome to the stage, comedian, roaster, and host of the Kill Tony podcast, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 40 I don't know if you guys know this, but there's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now.

Speaker 15 I think it's called Puerto Rico.

Speaker 33 Who is that, Jackwatch?

Speaker 42 Who is that guy?

Speaker 43 Actually, I think that's Tony Hinchcliffe, which is super disappointing.

Speaker 27 A so-called comedian made a number of racist comments.

Speaker 9 Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 45 Tony Hinchcliffe, go for yourself.

Speaker 46 I apologize to absolutely nobody.

Speaker 15 Trump movies and it is Tony Falls. Hey, look at because of that.
World War III does take place.

Speaker 49 The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.

Speaker 15 How do you feel like my garbage truck. You won't hear from the vice president tonight.

Speaker 38 Donald Trump has won the presidency.

Speaker 2 Among the key factors in his win, support from Latino voters.

Speaker 51 He expanded his support among Latino voters.

Speaker 52 55% of Latino men backed Trump nationwide.

Speaker 52 He's back.

Speaker 53 Hey, this is Randy coming to you live from the HEP Center in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 55 Get up for Tony!

Speaker 15 Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh?

Speaker 29 Brilliant Ray Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everybody? The best damn band in the land.

Speaker 57 Jamming it extra hard, extra long arena style for you.

Speaker 59 How we fucking feeling tonight, huh?

Speaker 61 Make some noise for him.

Speaker 64 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Velgrande, chicken and chilada.

Speaker 64 That's big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 66 Joining us tonight, truly one of the biggest stars in all of music.

Speaker 69 I think he's going to be recognized as one of the truly the biggest stars in the world.

Speaker 59 That's Marcus King.

Speaker 57 He joins us every New Year's here in Austin.

Speaker 72 We got the rest of the usual band, the great and powerful Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 76 Indeed, the leader of it all, John Dee's on the keys.

Speaker 75 And no doubt about it.

Speaker 48 Let them hear you.

Speaker 28 It's D Madness on the bass guitar.

Speaker 28 Oh

Speaker 28 my

Speaker 5 God.

Speaker 77 Unbelievably exciting stuff in store tonight.

Speaker 82 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 74 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 88 You know what's great about this show is sometimes it's the fucking biggest fucking comedians in the world.

Speaker 82 Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that.

Speaker 37 Last night we had both of the guests of the year,

Speaker 82 the newest one, Harlan Williams, last year's winner, Adam Ray.

Speaker 93 Part of the problem with this show is we make these guys so goddamn famous that everybody has gigs on New Year's Eve nowadays.

Speaker 81 and

Speaker 82 a lot of people are sick right now I don't know what kind of lab leaks they're planning for this inauguration

Speaker 98 but

Speaker 79 the best part of this show is that I believe that we truly have a reputation for putting people on panel that are the future before they even get as big as they're going to get they are here always and then you watch them become superstars internationally and everywhere, streaming and this and that.

Speaker 105 And this is the type of booking that I chose for tonight.

Speaker 80 I said, let's fucking go renegade style.

Speaker 100 Our last show of the year in Austin, Texas, I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year.

Speaker 107 So, I'd like you to get as loud as you can for tonight's guests, two of the funniest comedians in the world.

Speaker 113 First, I'm going to bring up who I truly think is the rookie guest of the year.

Speaker 82 He made his first appearance this year, makes some noise for him.

Speaker 68 Austin Resident, you know him from the Shane Gillis crew.

Speaker 67 This is James McCann, everybody.

Speaker 67 Hell yeah.

Speaker 67 Oh, yeah, on panel, on New Year's Eve, in a fucking arena.

Speaker 67 Once a little Australian swordsmith now living his dreams.

Speaker 57 Fuck yeah, welcome James.

Speaker 16 I'm gonna jump right into it.

Speaker 36 Yes!

Speaker 114 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 16 And your other guest tonight, he was with us at Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 36 Truly a brother who I have fucking,

Speaker 15 you know, just done everything with over the past 18 years. I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel, one of the funniest humans in the world.

Speaker 15 Let's see how loud this place can get for the great great Joe DeRosa, everybody.

Speaker 15 Hell yes.

Speaker 15 We are having fun

Speaker 15 here tonight.

Speaker 15 A veteran of the show, multiple-time guest, very funny man.

Speaker 82 Him and I make fun of each other a lot. We go back and forth.

Speaker 115 Two of my favorite drinking buddies.

Speaker 116 We do. And I want to thank you for letting everybody know we were your absolute last choice.

Speaker 12 Yes, uh,

Speaker 67 Shane is sick.

Speaker 12 Uh,

Speaker 80 um, RFK Jr.

Speaker 83 even has COVID.

Speaker 37 You can't make it up.

Speaker 90 The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Jr., somehow has COVID.

Speaker 3 My favorite part was hearing the 10 people that cared when you were like, Sometimes they're not famous.

Speaker 12 They were like,

Speaker 119 Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 114 What the fuck?

Speaker 120 Look,

Speaker 58 we're gonna have a hilarious episode.

Speaker 73 I have so many surprises wired in.

Speaker 69 You guys are doing the funny.

Speaker 122 Who needs fame when you got funny?

Speaker 123 Look, I'm thrilled.

Speaker 123 I don't know if you know this.

Speaker 34 I don't know if you...

Speaker 125 I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness.

Speaker 6 This is true.

Speaker 34 But I wanted to say this. This is exactly my one-year anniversary of being in America.

Speaker 125 I flew like 30 hours last year

Speaker 34 I sat backstage Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there.

Speaker 3 This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the kill Tony people up here and out there who have made it happen.

Speaker 34 This is the most beautiful thing

Speaker 29 Two of the funny things.

Speaker 71 And it's true.

Speaker 108 James McCann was one of the only comedians to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally when

Speaker 82 Johnny Knoxville and Donnell Rawlings ran for the Hills and said they can't do it.

Speaker 5 No, they're great.

Speaker 77 You can't blame them.

Speaker 113 Those guys expect to make more movies in the future.

Speaker 77 Nobody knew which direction the election was going at that time.

Speaker 81 I don't blame them.

Speaker 80 I would have canceled on them too.

Speaker 116 Can I tell the quick story? Yeah.

Speaker 116 We were hanging out at the mothership and we were drinking right after the Trump thing happened.

Speaker 77 Yeah, a couple days after.

Speaker 116 Yeah, and we're sitting next to each other and we're just, it's quiet in the bar and I go, Tony, are you good? Are you handling all this okay right now? The backlash, whatever.

Speaker 116 And he goes, yeah, dude, I'm good. And I go, seriously, buddy, we're friends.

Speaker 136 Are you good?

Speaker 137 And he goes, yeah, I'm good, dude.

Speaker 3 And I go, you don't have to be tough with me right now.

Speaker 116 We're friends. Are you good? And he goes, what are you fucking gay?

Speaker 138 He wouldn't stop these fucking New Yorkers over here.

Speaker 134 Are you sure you're okay?

Speaker 68 The news says you're not okay.

Speaker 140 MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now.

Speaker 82 I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette.

Speaker 142 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 120 I'm fine.

Speaker 82 But we're having fun tonight. Truly, two of my favorite humans.

Speaker 80 We're going to have a blast.

Speaker 82 I promise you. I'm going to pre-pool a name.

Speaker 99 You guys know how this show works.

Speaker 56 Yeah, the bucket is what makes it.

Speaker 71 We could find the next star here.

Speaker 78 Anything can happen.

Speaker 108 You know how it works.

Speaker 77 Comedians get 60 seconds.

Speaker 71 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 102 Or else

Speaker 83 they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry.

Speaker 6 Wait a second.

Speaker 83 Wait a second.

Speaker 83 It's the Undertaker

Speaker 145 Austin's own the Undertaker, Mark Halloway,

Speaker 57 The Six Feet Under podcast, which I've done.

Speaker 37 Make some goddamn noise for the great, the powerful.

Speaker 57 What a surreal moment this is.

Speaker 71 You comedians better stick to your fucking time tonight.

Speaker 148 I'm warning you right now.

Speaker 128 I'm fucking itching to take somebody's head off.

Speaker 15 I love it.

Speaker 141 I haven't seen you since WrestleMania.

Speaker 69 You're the fucking man.

Speaker 73 This is a child of dream.

Speaker 150 For those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows, The the Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the bucket of destiny for as long as we can remember.

Speaker 37 So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size, real, actual Undertaker here.

Speaker 128 I don't know if I'm going to fit on the bucket.

Speaker 128 But stick me in it, motherfuck it.

Speaker 32 I don't know.

Speaker 128 Hey, before, I just want to say this.

Speaker 128 Austin is already the music capital of the world, the food capital of the world, and you, my friend, are making it the comedy central of the world.

Speaker 54 Tony Hinchmith,

Speaker 153 don't sell that man short right there.

Speaker 16 Thank you so much.

Speaker 69 It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight.

Speaker 60 Super surreal fucking moment.

Speaker 90 I think for everybody I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face when he came out.

Speaker 69 There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s.

Speaker 100 I love it.

Speaker 103 We shock the world with this one.

Speaker 128 60 seconds, right? That's all they get?

Speaker 48 That's all they get.

Speaker 81 Or else I'm pretty sure you throw them back to where they came from.

Speaker 120 I'm right here. We love it.

Speaker 92 Make some noise for the fucking Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 128 Keeping everybody in line tonight.

Speaker 57 You can't make this shit up.

Speaker 128 God damn it.

Speaker 145 Look how cool this is.

Speaker 15 You got a nerd boner, don't you? I'm telling you.

Speaker 57 I have to host a show while living my own make-a-wish.

Speaker 15 This is incredible.

Speaker 96 God. Damn, what a cool show this is.

Speaker 144 Who came up with this idea?

Speaker 108 We're going to have some goddamn fun tonight.

Speaker 83 Let's get it started while they wrangle that first bucket pull.

Speaker 99 I figure we'll get it started with a bang.

Speaker 144 I'm just going to say it.

Speaker 141 I always give this guy a huge intro.

Speaker 130 I always say one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Speaker 117 I'm going to say it right here, right now, for the first time.

Speaker 108 This is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show.

Speaker 122 This is a brand new minute.

Speaker 114 Getting us started tonight with a fucking bang.

Speaker 15 Make some noise for Martin Phillips

Speaker 15 yes

Speaker 15 here he is live in the flesh with an uninterrupted 60 seconds it's Martin Phillips everybody

Speaker 120 I heard there was a kid rock sex tape so I was interested.

Speaker 161 I was gonna look it up, but after I wrote the first for a kid, I was like, I'm out.

Speaker 120 No, I'm not, this is a trap

Speaker 24 set up.

Speaker 86 Anyway, all right.

Speaker 160 Some guys say they have gaydar, and it's like, yeah, I have boners too, you know?

Speaker 160 We're all aware that my voice is similar to RFK Jr.'s.

Speaker 160 But now that he's going to be head of the health department, we're all going to start sounding like this.

Speaker 24 So welcome to hell.

Speaker 162 That was the...

Speaker 54 Martin Phillips with exactly one minute. Oh, yeah, man.

Speaker 92 Like a fucking surgeon, as always.

Speaker 99 Joe DeRosta.

Speaker 116 I was hoping he'd go over because I wanted to see The Undertaker slam him and watch his body straighten out.

Speaker 15 I am terrified of that.

Speaker 124 Also, I like with a wrestling theme, you've dressed as The Rock from that 90s photo show.

Speaker 103 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 99 It is incredible. That turtleneck goes great with your turtle legs.

Speaker 118 Turtle body.

Speaker 162 Hell yeah.

Speaker 76 Is there a medallion on that necklace?

Speaker 160 There might be something in the back.

Speaker 105 It's behind you. You're rocking it behind you?

Speaker 160 I bought this

Speaker 86 today

Speaker 160 because I heard with the turtle that you need a chain. So this is $3

Speaker 11 from Walmart

Speaker 103 in the girls section.

Speaker 29 Oh fuck, yes.

Speaker 157 Yeah, I just went with it.

Speaker 138 That is some rock star shit.

Speaker 82 You were already at Walmart because you're the greeter there, right?

Speaker 81 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 118 Hey, good benefits. Good benefits.

Speaker 162 I love it.

Speaker 81 Martin, how's life been going?

Speaker 103 How are holidays and whatnot?

Speaker 125 It was good.

Speaker 157 Good news.

Speaker 160 I hooked up with.

Speaker 160 What are you gonna do right there?

Speaker 120 Right there.

Speaker 160 It's already trying to mock me.

Speaker 9 I hooked up with a Puerto Rican woman.

Speaker 103 So

Speaker 160 I'm doing my best to repair the relationship between the show and that kids.

Speaker 152 That's right.

Speaker 71 I think you may have accidentally kicked a power cord when you were on your way out.

Speaker 103 Their power's out today.

Speaker 86 Yeah. Puerto Rico.

Speaker 86 But yeah,

Speaker 160 I'm willing to have sex with that

Speaker 47 woman for the good of the show.

Speaker 100 I love it.

Speaker 94 Was it a Puerto Rican woman or was it a

Speaker 167 dumpster that you fucked?

Speaker 120 Oh, oh, it was a woman.

Speaker 34 Did you notice? You did very good in the next West Side story.

Speaker 120 I think.

Speaker 116 Did you notice anything different about a Puerto Rican woman than you know, say, another?

Speaker 152 IG?

Speaker 120 Good question, right?

Speaker 6 All right, right, Ben.

Speaker 81 Very good.

Speaker 107 I'm sure there's a sound effect you could have hit instead of.

Speaker 152 Come on, I'll have.

Speaker 116 Did you guys fuck to shake that dump dump?

Speaker 62 Was there

Speaker 91 shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake.

Speaker 120 Okay.

Speaker 85 Was there music playing?

Speaker 157 No.

Speaker 90 Was it at your place, her place?

Speaker 160 Uh-oh,

Speaker 157 I was crashing at a friend's house, so I did the courteous thing and went to her place.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 170 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 171 And this was on her bed, in her bedroom?

Speaker 103 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 95 Was it your first time hanging out with her?

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.

Speaker 117 How long did you guys hang out before getting wet and wild?

Speaker 111 Saw her at the show.

Speaker 120 And we hung out after.

Speaker 6 That's right.

Speaker 152 Absolutely.

Speaker 92 Does she have a few drinks in her?

Speaker 112 Who was walking the straightest by the end of this?

Speaker 6 Nobody, nobody drove.

Speaker 103 Nobody drove.

Speaker 9 Absolutely.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 38 I love it, Martin.

Speaker 82 What else is going on?

Speaker 157 Anything else crazy?

Speaker 157 That was the craziest lately.

Speaker 118 I love it.

Speaker 137 It was pretty cool.

Speaker 55 I love it.

Speaker 160 So there's actually good news, bad news to it.

Speaker 157 So

Speaker 118 bad news because

Speaker 160 I take an anti-house depression for anxiety.

Speaker 86 You know, with the, you know, it's hard to

Speaker 86 be hard, you know, you know?

Speaker 162 Oh, shit.

Speaker 160 But then,

Speaker 120 here's the good news.

Speaker 160 When I was able to do it, and guess what?

Speaker 47 Too big.

Speaker 98 Whoa, really?

Speaker 152 Oh, my God.

Speaker 82 This guy went from soft to too big.

Speaker 120 What can I do?

Speaker 116 I love that you're saying the antidepressant was the hardest part about you two fucking.

Speaker 168 She's lying. She was in Puerto Rican then.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 173 Okay, again, red band.

Speaker 109 Stick with the buttons over there.

Speaker 111 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 156 Red Band's comparing every Puerto Rican woman to the hookers that he's been with.

Speaker 107 How much did she charge you before she left?

Speaker 174 I love it.

Speaker 78 Well, Martin, you absolutely crushed.

Speaker 75 Way to get it started right from the top.

Speaker 15 Absolutely 100%

Speaker 28 great sets.

Speaker 15 The guy bats a thousand. He's basically the fucking Bill Goldberg of the show.

Speaker 15 He plays like a champion. He might not walk like one, but he plays like one.

Speaker 22 Oh, I know what that sound is.

Speaker 15 That's the lovely Heidi, everybody. The real fucking deal.

Speaker 15 Oh

Speaker 15 my god.

Speaker 15 I see the Latino guy in the white hoodie crying another tear like he did when The Undertaker came out.

Speaker 15 Amazing. Unbelievable.
And how about a hand for the great Valerie Vaughan, everybody? She joins us at all the arenas.

Speaker 15 Two legends.

Speaker 15 Okay, this looks like a very fun name to begin the bucket pull portion of the show. Again, we don't know these people.
Anything can happen. Obviously, you guys know how this works.

Speaker 15 Could be a crazy person. I will say that in these arenas, there's a crazy ratio of people that absolutely eat shit on stage in an arena.
It happens a lot. A lot of people sign up randomly.

Speaker 15 They've only done it a few times, but who knows? Tonight might be the night that that trend changes and we find stars. You guys ready?

Speaker 15 Your first comedian, your first bucket full of the night goes by the name of What the Hector?

Speaker 15 What the Hector?

Speaker 32 What up?

Speaker 175 I freaking love wrestling so much. How about you guys?

Speaker 175 I love wrestling so much. My parents thought I was going to be gay growing up.

Speaker 175 Posters of naked dudes all over my freaking raw, you know, freaking

Speaker 175 Undertaker, Stone Cold, all teabagging me above my bag.

Speaker 175 Like, when are you going to get a poster of a woman, son? So I got a poster of that one wrestler. Y'all remember China?

Speaker 120 Hell yeah.

Speaker 175 You like that shit, dad?

Speaker 175 I guess it'll do, son.

Speaker 175 You got to support your artist, guys. Not very many people know China did porno.
She had the most muscular fleshlight on the market. Get your penis and a choke coat.

Speaker 175 Extra large clitoris. You got to freaking finger wrestle her to turn her on and shirt.

Speaker 175 Sometimes she don't want to turn on.

Speaker 175 My favorite, though, was wrestling on the trampoline with my little brother. And my favorite was the Undertaker because I'm dead inside, too.

Speaker 175 Choke slapping my little brother and I would do the tombstone. Y'all remember the tombstone? It's pretty much a tombstone of 69 standing up.
But we're on the trampoline.

Speaker 178 I'm all hell yeah, wrestling's badass.

Speaker 179 Dad comes out.

Speaker 58 I was like, what the hell's going on?

Speaker 175 Finish him.

Speaker 180 The neighbors are watching.

Speaker 175 Thank y'all.

Speaker 110 Oh, boy, that was close.

Speaker 57 Is that what you were going to talk about?

Speaker 137 Yeah, I was.

Speaker 149 That was going to be your set no matter what happened tonight?

Speaker 175 No matter what. And then he came out.
I was like, holy shit,

Speaker 59 that's pretty fucking crazy.

Speaker 175 Should I run the bell like two seconds and have him come out again? No.

Speaker 123 Yeah, if you kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 133 You were close to your wildest dreams coming true there.

Speaker 178 What the heck, I saw him backstage. He's tall as hell.

Speaker 175 I didn't know he was that big, man.

Speaker 6 Hell yeah.

Speaker 99 Yeah, those guys are big.

Speaker 117 And you're Mexican.

Speaker 15 Welcome to reality.

Speaker 175 And I'm wearing boots. I had a little extra, like two, three inches extra on me, you know?

Speaker 176 Oh, you are wearing.

Speaker 80 Look at those little tiny boots.

Speaker 141 Those fucking size cuatros.

Speaker 116 I'd like to commend you because a lot of comics stray from current events. But you did the very relevant China material this evening.

Speaker 72 China.

Speaker 80 Yeah, Red Band. You got Red Band over here mumbling in my left ear.

Speaker 90 She has really big labias.

Speaker 134 China had really big labias.

Speaker 95 Did you know that?

Speaker 144 China had big labias.

Speaker 96 I'm like, Red Band, we are doing a show in an arena.

Speaker 117 You're talking about the woman's pussy who we mentioned for a second.

Speaker 82 Tell the unprofessional shit I have to to deal with.

Speaker 117 Hector, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 175 About nine, ten years ago now.

Speaker 112 Wow, nine or ten years.

Speaker 81 Where at?

Speaker 175 Mostly in Phoenix. I'm from right here.

Speaker 175 I'm from West Texas though. Pecos, Texas.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Wow, big pop for Pecos.

Speaker 167 Okay, what's Pecos like?

Speaker 141 Describe it to us.

Speaker 175 We just had a big train wreck last week. I don't know if y'all saw the Union Pacific hit a big old truck and like all the train derailed.

Speaker 103 Wow, like stranger things.

Speaker 143 I sit next to a train wreck every week on this show.

Speaker 90 What do you do for work?

Speaker 175 I help my dad out doing a tire repair and tow truck.

Speaker 81 Okay, you are indeed Mexican.

Speaker 86 Yeah,

Speaker 120 that confirms

Speaker 183 rubbers.

Speaker 118 Hell yeah.

Speaker 117 What's the craziest thing you've ever seen out there repairing cars on the side of the road in Pecos?

Speaker 175 Recently just happened, man. I live in my RV and I moved it back to Pecos where I work with my dad.
I parked it in the back of the shop working from home, you know, and fucking uh

Speaker 98 no!

Speaker 140 What do you mean?

Speaker 117 James McCann with his iconic no.

Speaker 122 We don't know what you mean.

Speaker 175 I left it unlocked, man, because I had some cats in there watching out from case rats get in there.

Speaker 144 Wait, stop, slow down.

Speaker 71 James McCann is correct, first of all.

Speaker 175 I stole two cats, all right?

Speaker 120 Okay, wait.

Speaker 158 This is getting way out of control.

Speaker 11 Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 132 This is the most Latino shit I've ever heard in my life.

Speaker 87 You stole cats to watch for rats

Speaker 175 in the RV because I'm not there a lot, you know?

Speaker 78 And you pulled your RV to the house that you live in?

Speaker 175 No, I park it at the shop that I work at.

Speaker 120 Uh-huh.

Speaker 175 So I'm working from home, you know, just get up out of it.

Speaker 120 You're homing from work.

Speaker 111 Change tires.

Speaker 166 Yeah.

Speaker 163 So you...

Speaker 175 I didn't get to tell you. So we came home and I was going to check on them before we left.
And I found a bald-headed white lady in there all drugged out, naked.

Speaker 175 She had tore up the whole place and drawn all over the walls.

Speaker 163 I was like, what the the hell's going on here?

Speaker 175 I don't want to call cops because we're late to a show, and but I had to, man. I had to do it.
It looked weird. I'm lucky that one of my friends was with me.

Speaker 175 She's a girl because it would have looked weird that you know, just some weird random girls, she wouldn't talk or nothing. I don't trying to find her if you know, if you're out there listening.

Speaker 78 Wow, look at the world we're living in.

Speaker 82 Mexicans calling the police on white women.

Speaker 98 This is

Speaker 89 Biden's America.

Speaker 175 2025.

Speaker 77 No, 2025 is going to be different, buddy.

Speaker 109 You got 20 more days exactly before

Speaker 92 your entire shop is in

Speaker 93 Pecos, Mexico.

Speaker 162 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 185 Is your dad a legal citizen?

Speaker 175 Yeah, he's legal.

Speaker 29 Is he really?

Speaker 166 He's really.

Speaker 175 He did all the paperwork.

Speaker 162 Yeah.

Speaker 41 What does the paperwork look like?

Speaker 175 No, he talks really good English, too. He's one of those code talks.
He could change his voice like to to a white guy. You could change it to a Mexican dude.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 175 I haven't heard his black voice, though. I'm pretty sure he has one.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 85 Can you do a black voice?

Speaker 175 I can't.

Speaker 63 I could try. Yeah, try.

Speaker 80 I like it when people can't and then they try.

Speaker 176 No Tomba.

Speaker 11 What the fuck? Wow.

Speaker 139 I just found out there's no black people in Pecos, Texas, everyone.

Speaker 70 That's your black impression?

Speaker 98 Know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 98 Hey, I'm a black guy.

Speaker 186 It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy.

Speaker 24 I'm a black man.

Speaker 120 I am.

Speaker 123 I do believe.

Speaker 113 What do you do for fun, Hector?

Speaker 175 For fun. Let's see.

Speaker 120 I smoke a lot of reefer.

Speaker 160 Where are y'all at?

Speaker 175 And then forget everything else I was going to do, right?

Speaker 90 What's your love life like?

Speaker 80 You out there burning rubber?

Speaker 120 Yeah, burning rubber.

Speaker 99 because of the tires.

Speaker 6 Yep.

Speaker 116 How hard is it to convince a woman to come back to the rat-infested RV?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 175 It's pretty, pretty hard, man. That's why I was mad.
She was in there. I was like, what? You're getting pussy in here, and I ain't get it, because it smelled like pussy.
I was like, you're in here.

Speaker 175 Either she was getting ran through or she was running a brothel out of my place.

Speaker 161 I was like, who's getting more pussy in here than I am?

Speaker 175 What the fuck?

Speaker 37 Wait, you're saying that your RV smelled like bad pussy?

Speaker 175 When she was in there, that crazy bald-headed white bitch from Stranger Things, the train crashed, and all of a sudden she appeared. 11.

Speaker 26 This is.

Speaker 91 You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things was in the.

Speaker 175 It's a bald white bitch. I was like, damn, shave your head.
What's wrong with you?

Speaker 116 This is also the second time he's referenced a thing on Stranger Things that I don't think happened on Stranger Things.

Speaker 137 He's like, remember the train crashing on Stranger Things? No.

Speaker 35 One of them shows.

Speaker 187 You remember when you choke out a child in an IV like on Stranger Things?

Speaker 34 No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy.

Speaker 80 Are you a nice guy, Hector?

Speaker 91 You ever been in trouble with the law?

Speaker 175 Yeah, you know, for weed, Texas being illegal and all, you get in trouble for weed a lot.

Speaker 172 Yeah.

Speaker 9 All right. Ringford.

Speaker 42 Oh, they're booing the laws of their state.

Speaker 105 Well, Hector, congratulations.

Speaker 92 Have you ever signed up for the show before?

Speaker 175 My first time was at Skank Fest very recently. I got on there over there.
First bucket pull there, too.

Speaker 120 Oh, you were on there?

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 188 Well, congratulations. It was good to see you.

Speaker 149 What size joke book did you get there?

Speaker 175 They ran out of joke books, so I was like, man, did I do good or bad? I didn't even know and shit.

Speaker 143 Well, you know what, buddy?

Speaker 72 I'm going to give you a medium-sized one here tonight.

Speaker 148 Oh, you didn't catch it.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 78 Unbelievable.

Speaker 15 There he goes.

Speaker 189 What the Hector, everybody.

Speaker 15 Thank you.

Speaker 77 I don't know if you guys notice this, but the Mexicans get special music from the Mexican portion of the band when they get played off.

Speaker 80 A little fun fact, if you haven't noticed.

Speaker 17 What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate?

Speaker 17 One who comes when you call, one who doesn't forget to lock the doors, maybe one who doesn't steal your milk, just a little bit at a time, hoping that you won't notice.

Speaker 17 At apartments.com, they understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet. They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

Speaker 17 And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet. And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

Speaker 17 Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Speaker 17 Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

Speaker 17 When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

Speaker 17 So if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place. Thanks, apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 149 We're going to get another special treat up here.

Speaker 69 This is

Speaker 15 a young lady who you've seen before on this show. She works at the comedy Mothership.

Speaker 108 She's been out on the road with me and a bunch of the great comedians, truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 108 We were all drinking a couple weeks ago, and it just came up that her family was coming into town tonight.

Speaker 139 Her parents are here, and I love this young lady.

Speaker 15 I truly think she is one of the future top best comedians in the world.

Speaker 92 Let's see what she does tonight.

Speaker 139 This is a brand new minute from Liz Splat, everyone.

Speaker 29 Liz

Speaker 29 Splat.

Speaker 15 We love Liz.

Speaker 74 Make some noise for Liz, everybody.

Speaker 74 Guys,

Speaker 51 this year makes 10 years that I've been a cancer survivor.

Speaker 51 I had cancer when I was 19, which is tough because you're too young to really understand what's going on, and then you're too old to meet John Cena.

Speaker 51 You know, because at 19, you're like, make a wish. More like, make me squirt, John.

Speaker 159 What the fuck?

Speaker 51 Hey, John, my pussy's bald, too.

Speaker 51 You know.

Speaker 51 John Cena and squirting. John Cena and squirting.

Speaker 51 Thank you. It's tricky to make a cancer joke, you know? Cancer is a really tricky topic.
One time, this comic told me that it's important to talk about the tricky topics.

Speaker 51 He said that he learned that because he used to talk a lot about how he used to fuck a lot of prostitutes. And I was like, I don't know if we're talking about the same thing.

Speaker 51 But once I thought about it, it made sense because probably the only thing more traumatic than childhood cancer is being a prostitute a comedian can afford.

Speaker 15 Am I right?

Speaker 9 All right, thank you.

Speaker 51 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 6 Tony Dreams.

Speaker 7 Splat,

Speaker 145 everybody.

Speaker 145 Tony.

Speaker 15 How's it going, Liz? How fun?

Speaker 144 How's it going? It's going.

Speaker 51 I mean, how's it going? It's going. Dreams are coming true right now.
What the fuck?

Speaker 190 It's amazing.

Speaker 51 Baby's first arena.

Speaker 77 It is indeed baby's first arena.

Speaker 51 Hi.

Speaker 125 Hi, Joe.

Speaker 51 How are you? Hi, James. How are you, man?

Speaker 116 Congrats on beating cancer.

Speaker 51 Thank you so much, Joe.

Speaker 116 You've clearly beaten it because usually people with cancer are thin.

Speaker 36 Yeah. She beat the shit out of it.

Speaker 15 Defeated it.

Speaker 51 Yeah, I basically ate that cancer up. Let me put it like that.

Speaker 51 Put it in a bowl, put some whipped cream on that cancer, got right into it. That's what I did.

Speaker 148 Hell yeah.

Speaker 191 What kind of cancer was it?

Speaker 51 I had Hodgkin's lymphoma. It's a blood cancer.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 184 A party time.

Speaker 120 I love it. Yeah.

Speaker 75 How long did it take you to beat it?

Speaker 51 I was going through chemo for like six months. Where are my chemo kids at?

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 154 They're all dead, right?

Speaker 63 They're all dead.

Speaker 193 Okay.

Speaker 51 I see one solitary wave.

Speaker 53 From a lacking.

Speaker 51 Okay, great. Another big girl.
That's awesome. I love to see it.
Hell yeah. It's great.
Must have been tick cancer.

Speaker 116 And it's good to see you've graduated to Haagen-Doss dash lymphoma from

Speaker 24 hodgkins to hagenas joe you son of a bitch i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm nervous i'm sorry you son of a bitch you trying to fuck

Speaker 24 i can tell dude guys that love trans women always want to fuck me

Speaker 51 it's crazy joe

Speaker 187 Get those little plaid pants over here.

Speaker 154 What the fuck?

Speaker 135 Pull a dick out of those pants and you got a deal.

Speaker 51 Joe, if you you saw my clit, you wouldn't question it.

Speaker 9 Okay,

Speaker 194 China.

Speaker 107 Is that true? You have a China-like clit.

Speaker 51 A China-like clit?

Speaker 159 What does that mean?

Speaker 94 Is it big? Is that what you're implying?

Speaker 125 I think my clit,

Speaker 51 yeah, yeah, it's probably like you know, half a thumb.

Speaker 6 Oh, fuck yeah. All right, yeah.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 63 That's basically.

Speaker 51 Sorry, I put my heart on my sleeve out here for you people.

Speaker 108 That's basically half a little dick, so I'm half interested now.

Speaker 15 Because I'm good.

Speaker 15 Whoa.

Speaker 31 Whoa.

Speaker 125 Who would have seen that coming?

Speaker 120 Half.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Coming on your face.

Speaker 81 Am I right?

Speaker 56 Liz, what else is going on?

Speaker 80 What family members made it out?

Speaker 181 You're from Texas, born and raised, Dallas, bread.

Speaker 138 Bam, bam, bam, 214 to like that, bitch.

Speaker 76 And when I say bread, I mean B-R-E-A-D.

Speaker 9 What's up?

Speaker 51 Yeah, my mom and my dad are here. Yo, mama, yo, papa, where you at?

Speaker 51 I can't, I can't bring my dad up here. He keeps saying he's gonna say racist stuff about Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 117 Is that your mom on the Jumbotron, that lady with her hands up?

Speaker 53 Oh, yeah, it's my mom.

Speaker 143 Aw, oh, wow, she just gave the screen cancer.

Speaker 158 That's incredible.

Speaker 143 It runs in the family, but clearly you don't.

Speaker 51 Yeah, not a lot of it runs it.

Speaker 120 Damn.

Speaker 15 Got it.

Speaker 159 I was going to do it, then you did it.

Speaker 107 Gotcha.

Speaker 113 You're on the big stage.

Speaker 51 Big stage now, Tony.

Speaker 89 You did it.

Speaker 83 Well, Liz, congratulations.

Speaker 79 That was an amazing performance.

Speaker 111 You fucking did it.

Speaker 112 You're living your dreams in your hometown.

Speaker 26 Dream come true.

Speaker 172 Austin.

Speaker 138 I'm going to do mushrooms.

Speaker 93 Hell yeah.

Speaker 28 That's a move.

Speaker 15 Back to the bucket. We go.
We're going to keep it moving along.

Speaker 16 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 15 Jackson bar. Bucket pull number two.

Speaker 15 Jackson bar.

Speaker 138 Here's Jackson Barr.

Speaker 15 Oh shit, this is going to be awesome no matter what.

Speaker 59 Make some noise for Jackson Barr, everybody.

Speaker 3 How you doing, Tony?

Speaker 176 Happy New Year, KT Nation.

Speaker 176 I feel sorry for anybody that's not in this arena tonight.

Speaker 3 Kill Tony been on what 12 12 years 700 episodes you guys have been through more comedians than cocaine antidepressants and Viagra

Speaker 176 I'm a little freaked out I'm gonna be 49 49 years old in a couple of months but let me tell you I've learned a few things number one ramen noodles everybody knows ramen noodles they taste better when you eat them because you want to

Speaker 120 right

Speaker 3 Number two, you see two people kissing in public with wedding rings, they're married to other people.

Speaker 196 and number three

Speaker 151 if it feels like more than three fingers you need a different psychiatrist

Speaker 3 you can count on these are words that may save your life one of these days

Speaker 9 thank you

Speaker 56 holy shit Jackson barr I loved it from the second I saw you I am so used to our bucket pools wearing juvenile t-shirts this guy came up dressed to the fucking whatever's that is.

Speaker 133 I knew we had the Undertaker.

Speaker 92 I didn't realize we booked Paul Bearer as well.

Speaker 69 James McCann.

Speaker 34 Brother, what's it like owning the Dallas Cowboys?

Speaker 165 Because that must be...

Speaker 55 Well,

Speaker 151 this would have been the 1990s Dallas Cowboy owner, and it was really good back then.

Speaker 9 Yeah. It's only been 30 years.

Speaker 186 He's got a head in the oven now.

Speaker 63 You look terrific.

Speaker 34 It was either Dallas Cowboys over or you know a good place to buy a secondhand car. I feel like I've seen you in Waco Waco on the community television.

Speaker 120 That's it.

Speaker 41 The billion-dollar question: what do you do for work, Jackson?

Speaker 196 Pretty much whatever pays.

Speaker 151 I mean, I've been an entrepreneur for 30 years with startups, you know, and

Speaker 120 in politics for a while.

Speaker 181 You're successful, huh?

Speaker 151 My kids are grown and out of college and out of the house.

Speaker 96 Look at you just on a big, naughty fucking comedy show out here talking shit.

Speaker 176 I'm trying to figure out what I am going to be since I am about to be 49.

Speaker 136 Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 116 49, you're doing something really wrong.

Speaker 120 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 135 I was like, this guy's giving a stab at comedy at 63.

Speaker 6 This is insane.

Speaker 21 Red Band is older than Jackson, by the way.

Speaker 83 Sweet Red Band here at 50 years old.

Speaker 76 You can't make it up.

Speaker 3 It's a hard 49, Tony.

Speaker 151 Listen, I married my high school sweetheart. We were together 24 years.

Speaker 3 She passed away five years ago.

Speaker 59 Oh, my God. What happened?

Speaker 188 How did she pass away?

Speaker 158 Brain tumor.

Speaker 120 Oh, my. god.

Speaker 7 Yeah, right.

Speaker 7 Good God.

Speaker 160 The point is.

Speaker 35 We're all very sorry that happened.

Speaker 3 The point is,

Speaker 151 you know, after that happened, I may or may not have lost my shit for a couple of years. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So it's a hard 40, 48.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 120 And you were an entrepreneur?

Speaker 47 I was.

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 35 You don't have any, because this is...

Speaker 123 Tony's doing well. This is sold out.

Speaker 165 You could shark tank right now, right?

Speaker 187 You got a business idea.

Speaker 62 Yeah, do you have any business ideas?

Speaker 95 Let's play a little game of shark tank for the first time in a long time.

Speaker 121 This is a very special segment that we are going to do,

Speaker 108 ladies and gentlemen, with Jackson Bard.

Speaker 95 This is the first ever episode of Shark Tank.

Speaker 68 That's the Shark Tank theme song.

Speaker 109 Jesus, so basic.

Speaker 81 Uh-oh. Okay, here he is.

Speaker 171 Pitch us an idea, Jackson Barr.

Speaker 24 All right.

Speaker 199 Let's see.

Speaker 176 Oh, I know.

Speaker 151 A dating app for rich people, you know, because since I've been out in the dating world, right?

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 176 I found out you actually don't even need a profile anymore.

Speaker 151 You might as well just put your credit card number and your pen and your social security so it just saves time. Hell yeah.

Speaker 151 They go straight to the money and then you don't have to worry about it, right?

Speaker 173 I bet you have a cock like Martin Phillips.

Speaker 93 That's my guess.

Speaker 77 I bet it's mostly soft and then when it gets hard, it's too big to fuck.

Speaker 200 Too big.

Speaker 176 Yeah. Too big to fail.

Speaker 77 Absolutely.

Speaker 141 You said you were in politics for a while.

Speaker 95 What were some of your platforms?

Speaker 151 Well, I started off at local office and then I went to state office here in the great state of Texas.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 141 What city?

Speaker 3 So I started out outside of Fort Hood, Texas, known as the Great Place.

Speaker 176 Corio County, Gatesville, Texas.

Speaker 151 It's eight square miles out in the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 176 There's not a Starbucks for 30 miles around us.

Speaker 96 Sounds beautiful.

Speaker 151 Sound became the Republican president of all the chairmen in the state, represented Senate District 24. And now, since I'm starting the second half of my life, I'm running from office.

Speaker 20 Uh-huh.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 117 So have you been on, you said that you want to make a dating app.

Speaker 133 Have you been on a lot of dates since your wife passed away?

Speaker 169 You know what?

Speaker 46 I went on a couple have you have you kissed a girl since your wife passed away

Speaker 170 yeah i mean it's been oh okay well you blew that one

Speaker 133 you were close there

Speaker 27 yeah

Speaker 100 you up right now your wife is laug looking up from hell laughing at you

Speaker 34 it's not true she's in him

Speaker 35 since uh

Speaker 151 since you like shark tank i got a math question for you if jack is single for about a year and then gets engaged to a 30-year-old while he's a millionaire and that goes on about two and a half years and then we break up how much money does Jack have left over

Speaker 120 all of the money

Speaker 151 actually I was gonna hit you up for some gas money so I can get home tonight you're talking to the wrong panelist you silly goose

Speaker 80 Jackson you seem like you've got it together you seem like a grown man tell us something weird about you what are you what type of child porn are you into exactly

Speaker 82 did you kill John Benet Ramsey

Speaker 194 oh

Speaker 132 what what no exactly but if you were into something a little wild what would it be like when you're with uh when you're with a hooker yeah

Speaker 151 well you know it's hard to find the right rubber tubing and lime and shovel at two in the morning and all that kind of good stuff I mean you know that's always fine You always got to learn for yourself.

Speaker 176 Aspirin will not bring back a dead hooker.

Speaker 127 You really don't want to run for office again.

Speaker 55 You're finished with local politics.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 176 You got a final nail and a hammer.

Speaker 34 There is work to be done in politics in the state of Texas.

Speaker 24 Hey, baby, I figured it out.

Speaker 151 I'm working behind the scenes.

Speaker 34 If you can help pass a law so you're allowed to carry more than two beers away from a bar,

Speaker 34 that's fucking insane.

Speaker 6 This isn't Hawaii.

Speaker 176 We ain't got to worry about that.

Speaker 3 This is Texas.

Speaker 151 We give you two jugs of beer and say, come back and get get the other four.

Speaker 77 I like your style.

Speaker 120 I like your style, Jackson.

Speaker 80 I do.

Speaker 90 It's weird, but

Speaker 90 I like having different, I always say different shapes and sizes and types of people.

Speaker 117 I'm sure there are about 250 more hectors that signed up tonight.

Speaker 80 And I was lucky enough to magically pull out a fucking 70-year-old white guy that swears he's 49.

Speaker 138 I think it's fun to have different types up here.

Speaker 134 I mean, look at this fucking guy. It's wild.

Speaker 116 I think you're actually rich because only a rich man would give this lease of a shit about his appearance.

Speaker 15 Yeah. No, you are.

Speaker 92 You have super rich guy vibes.

Speaker 138 Jackson, how much exactly are you worth?

Speaker 120 Was. I'm not kidding.

Speaker 9 After a failed...

Speaker 90 How much did you give away in the divorce?

Speaker 77 Just tell us that.

Speaker 137 Divorce, just, you know, burned through, I don't know, 1.5, which is not huge.

Speaker 173 1.5. Yeah.

Speaker 103 That's a lot.

Speaker 198 Four years, so.

Speaker 77 That's more than Hector and his father will make their entire lifetime.

Speaker 117 That's a huge amount.

Speaker 37 Well, Jackson, thank you very much.

Speaker 107 Fun times. Congratulations.

Speaker 139 You as well are leaving here with a cool little medium joke.

Speaker 144 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 107 We're 0 for 2 on the catches tonight.

Speaker 71 Jackson, thank you so much.

Speaker 92 There goes Jackson Barr.

Speaker 15 Oh, la la.

Speaker 15 You know, Jackson's from Texas. He's from the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 68 Which brings us to our next special treat.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, when we found him, was just working the oil fields of Texas. He's all personality, very controversial figure in the history of the show.

Speaker 15 People either love him or they just straight up dislike him.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Uncle Laser.

Speaker 172 Listen here.

Speaker 202 Had a woman from Tallahassee, Florida slide into my DMs. Said, hey, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 202 Said,

Speaker 202 got a plane ticket with your name on it you come down to tallowse florida blow my back out and rearrange my guts

Speaker 202 i said

Speaker 202 happy to easter to you too how you doing today he has risen you know right she said but before i can get you that plane ticket i'm gonna see a picture of that hog

Speaker 203 fun fact

Speaker 13 i ain't got no hog

Speaker 202 I got what they call field mouse dick. You ever been hit by a sewing machine needle? You know?

Speaker 159 Look, here's the thing about sending wiener pics.

Speaker 24 Don't do it, okay?

Speaker 13 All right? Listen, look, I love my wiener.

Speaker 2 I put it everywhere.

Speaker 190 Hot tub jets, electrical sockets, okay?

Speaker 180 I once took a shop vac and sucked all the foreskin off of it, you know.

Speaker 13 I haven't been to a water park since.

Speaker 13 She said, look,

Speaker 202 I ain't going to be able to get you that plane ticket no more. I get you a Greyhound bus ticket.
And I said, Listen here, bitch.

Speaker 202 My mama raised me on that Reba McIntyre, and I might have been born just a plain white trash.

Speaker 180 But fancy was my motherfucking name.

Speaker 159 I ain't getting on no goddamn Greyhound bus. You hear me, bitch?

Speaker 72 So a couple days later, we worked something out where if my mom would drop me off, her mom would bring me back, you know

Speaker 156 Uncle Laser, everybody.

Speaker 152 Uncle, uncle, uncle.

Speaker 6 Look at you.

Speaker 157 Howdy.

Speaker 103 How's it going?

Speaker 96 What is that animal around your neck?

Speaker 72 Oh, this?

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 120 This here is Steven.

Speaker 202 He was a euthanized husky. He was my neighbor's dog.

Speaker 142 Are you fucking serious?

Speaker 180 Yeah, he was just going to throw the motherfucker out.

Speaker 72 I said, hold on now, old son. We're resourceful people, you know.

Speaker 202 And so I like, you know, did all this. And I went to his front door and tried to give it to him as a gift.
And he answered the door and he goes,

Speaker 202 Why'd you unbury my dog?

Speaker 202 I was like, so you're telling me you don't want it?

Speaker 163 I'm mine now, motherfucker. How about that?

Speaker 78 I can't believe I fell right into one

Speaker 111 trap.

Speaker 202 You did step right into it.

Speaker 22 That's the second husky we've had on stage.

Speaker 6 Liz Splatt was here earlier.

Speaker 193 oh shit how's your new year's Tony we're having fun what are you conducting the fucking interview no I just was simply asking a question I love that you said you wouldn't get on a greyhound bus I've been on the greyhound bus in this country it's just 57 years I've

Speaker 35 I sat next to I was on a greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh.

Speaker 124 This is a fun wrestling story.

Speaker 35 I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit.

Speaker 165 Wait, what is the truth?

Speaker 14 He knew a secret about Chris Benoit.

Speaker 136 Yeah, let's hear it.

Speaker 165 He was a good man.

Speaker 125 And the whole time I was like, okay, Okey Doki then.

Speaker 34 Yeah, he only killed his family to send them to God.

Speaker 81 Oh, my God. All right.

Speaker 34 And he said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon.

Speaker 120 He got away.

Speaker 82 How's your New Year's going, Laser?

Speaker 74 How's your holidays?

Speaker 90 What does a guy like you do exactly other than crystal meth?

Speaker 104 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 50 The spirit of the wolf.

Speaker 202 Nah, dude, I got a New Year's resolution.

Speaker 116 Is it to give Rod White his voice back?

Speaker 202 That there's my daddy, but he's a Democrat, so he ain't my daddy. But,

Speaker 202 dude, I got to stop coming inside of strangers.

Speaker 140 Tell us more about that.

Speaker 150 I was hoping fucking Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview.

Speaker 202 I gotta stop coming, strangers, because look, dude, I'm like the Tyreek Hill of the Austin comedy scene. I can't pull out of a fucking driveway.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 8 And I'm not even scared of the Me Too movement.

Speaker 202 I'm scared of like, I got a kid in fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana, or some shit all across this goddamn country that's like, when you child support, I don't want to be a part of that.

Speaker 117 Have you gotten anyone pregnant?

Speaker 93 Are there any nephew lasers out there?

Speaker 202 All we can do is pray.

Speaker 155 Wow.

Speaker 92 Amazing, Uncle.

Speaker 82 So what do you got planned for 2025?

Speaker 120 You've been touring a lot.

Speaker 78 You've been working really hard.

Speaker 13 Trying, yeah. Just like, look,

Speaker 13 say something, Tesla, you're like, on some real shit, okay?

Speaker 202 Three years ago to this date, Tony and Scliff invited me to Tony Inscliffe and Friends. It's been that long.
It's been that long. Jesus.
All right.

Speaker 202 You invited me to the New Year's Eve party at Vulcan with your people, right? And I was dog shit then. I'm probably still dog shit now.
But I mean, back then, I was even worse, okay? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 202 And, but you gave me a shot, all right? It's a testament to you. And my mama was in the crowd tonight and I was thinking about quitting my job.

Speaker 159 And

Speaker 202 up until that point in my life, that was the best set I ever had. All right.

Speaker 202 And took a chance, but like, yo,

Speaker 202 look, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but I'm going to be honest with you. Thank you for everything.
Yes. Look, look.

Speaker 163 Yes.

Speaker 199 Joe Rogan might have built the comedy club in Austin, but Tony Hinchcliffe created a fucking culture.

Speaker 55 You hear me?

Speaker 61 Thank you.

Speaker 16 I couldn't have said it better myself

Speaker 185 until later tonight in the mirror, like I do every night.

Speaker 77 I look directly at myself and I say, Tony, you built the fucking culture.

Speaker 105 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 164 I was going to say, I'm pretty sure you'll corner me later at a party and tell me that for 15 minutes.

Speaker 116 Do you know what I've done, Joe?

Speaker 185 I love you, Uncle Laser.

Speaker 76 Congratulations, you did it. We're going to keep flying through it.

Speaker 75 There he goes.

Speaker 92 Uncle Laser, which brings us to bucket pull number three.

Speaker 15 I feel like this is a new name, but we may have seen it before. Oh my god, how about these lovely ladies in this sausage fest that we've had?

Speaker 15 We've had nothing but dudes and a chick with a clit the size of half a thumb.

Speaker 15 Thank God for Heidi and Valerie.

Speaker 15 For those of you out there that are into beautiful women.

Speaker 9 All right.

Speaker 15 Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Joe Barnholt, everyone. Bucket pool number three is Joe Barnholt.

Speaker 15 One more time for Joe.

Speaker 23 My name's Joe because I was named after the crab shack that I was conceived in.

Speaker 6 So.

Speaker 23 You guys, I'm single, so I've been going on a bunch of dates. It's not really helping my love life, but I do have an outstanding balance on my credit card.

Speaker 23 Yeah, it's hard to stand out in the dating world when you look like the vanilla flavor of white men.

Speaker 23 Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad flavor. It's just not anybody's first choice.

Speaker 23 I don't even have any tattoos or anything, or as I call them, sprinkles.

Speaker 23 You guys, I'm so white I get 2% milk at the store because whole milk's too spicy.

Speaker 23 I feel like there's a lot of weirdos weirdos in the dating world. I went on a date with this one girl.

Speaker 23 She told me she had two half-brothers, which is just a really strange way of saying you have a brother.

Speaker 23 For everyone that's slow at fractions, I'm going to give you a second to catch up there.

Speaker 23 It's like, what? Did you cut him in half or something?

Speaker 23 Like when I say I have two half women in my freezer, that makes sense.

Speaker 32 Oh,

Speaker 23 bunch of weirdos out there, you guys.

Speaker 30 Thank you.

Speaker 103 My name's Joe Barnholt.

Speaker 61 All right, Joe Barnholt. Let's talk about it.

Speaker 143 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 23 I've been doing it about a year.

Speaker 55 One, one.

Speaker 23 I've been playing music for about 16.

Speaker 77 Wow.

Speaker 195 What kind of music do you play?

Speaker 3 Full band hip-hop.

Speaker 120 You're in a hip-hop band?

Speaker 191 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 23 I was about a month ago.

Speaker 60 And I found out you were in a hip-hop band?

Speaker 187 I did.

Speaker 23 I do musical comedy, and I tried to sing a song about fucking Santa and forgot the lyrics.

Speaker 152 Okay.

Speaker 56 Do you have anything that you would do tonight

Speaker 140 if you were a 16-year musician?

Speaker 23 Yeah, I can play guitar and rap for you guys if you want.

Speaker 77 You need a guitar to do it?

Speaker 157 I mean, it helps.

Speaker 93 Okay, do we have that extra guitar somewhere?

Speaker 68 D-Madness, you see a guitar anywhere back there?

Speaker 35 Marcus just lifted.

Speaker 81 Oh, we got it.

Speaker 71 Okay, we're going to give this guy a shot. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 173 Gives us a chance to look at the lovely Heidi one more time.

Speaker 29 My goodness.

Speaker 80 A modern day Vanna White, if you will.

Speaker 97 A Marilyn Monroe-esque thing, just handing a chord to an absolute jerk off.

Speaker 81 Joe Barnholt. Look at this guy.

Speaker 101 Looks like Joe DeRosa ultralight.

Speaker 7 But what?

Speaker 6 God damn it, I didn't hear it.

Speaker 86 All right.

Speaker 77 Hopefully, your music is funnier than your comedy.

Speaker 50 Here he goes.

Speaker 159 Away we go, hope this flow sail through life on a safe little boat.

Speaker 15 But it sees it's time for me to abandon ship or abandon hope like woe. So merrily we rode, life's but a dream, we woke.

Speaker 23 We try to flee, but roll these circles round the globe.

Speaker 29 It's up, down, side to side.

Speaker 206 Never stray from that path.

Speaker 15 I charted round around this wild ride. Always end up where I started.

Speaker 206 Laugh after, laugh at the car track. Life's a bitch, then you die.

Speaker 15 Maybe that bitch

Speaker 36 You suck, dude.

Speaker 114 Fair. Love it.

Speaker 56 You suck.

Speaker 152 We're going to get you out of here.

Speaker 58 They don't know what they're talking about.

Speaker 35 Don't believe these haters.

Speaker 34 That's the fresh new sound that's going to be coming out the radio.

Speaker 120 That's right.

Speaker 152 Yeah, we've never heard.

Speaker 116 I disagree with James. No means no.

Speaker 14 No, I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars.

Speaker 190 Yeah.

Speaker 125 It's been 15 quiet years without that.

Speaker 190 You got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here? That's like Dylan going electric.

Speaker 23 I'll take it.

Speaker 124 It was pretty good.

Speaker 165 It was fine.

Speaker 9 Hey, thanks. I'll take it.

Speaker 30 I thought, I thought, if I may, I thought your comedy was funny.

Speaker 50 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 116 And I thought it deserved more, and I felt like you weren't getting as much because you were the first comic that wasn't like, I shoved my needle dick in her smelly cut.

Speaker 8 And they were just a little caught off guard that he was doing like you know you should think about you should wear a dog next time wear you wear wear a dog

Speaker 45 like a put a dog's body on your shoulders

Speaker 107 I'm trying to explain it red band informed me in the middle of your set that it's a famous Jim Gaffigan joke that whole milk is spicy ever seen Jim Gaffigan before I heard that joke all right okay

Speaker 154 google it I will I will how dare Jim Gaffigan have stolen your joke?

Speaker 92 What size joke book did you get last time you were on?

Speaker 137 I got a big joke book.

Speaker 78 You did?

Speaker 109 Well, you should use it.

Speaker 103 Joe Barnholtz, everybody.

Speaker 6 There he goes. We're going to keep it moving fast tonight.

Speaker 170 We're going to get through it.

Speaker 96 He's already been on.

Speaker 36 But in this moment, we shall get yet another legendary golden ticket winner on the show.

Speaker 147 You know him. You love him.

Speaker 15 He got picked up from this show to be on America's Got Talent, which is how backwards the industry is that they are now finding people for AGT, for Netflix, for everything here on the show that you guys watch every Monday.

Speaker 15 We find the people.

Speaker 15 This is the return of Aaron Beloyle, everybody.

Speaker 15 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 15 Smart started his entrance early.

Speaker 15 Gives me enough time to fucking kill some time

Speaker 15 while he sets up. Bluetooth, blue suit,

Speaker 174 Aaron, Belial, everybody.

Speaker 70 Make some fucking noise for him.

Speaker 171 Come on.

Speaker 207 It's not too late to have the first female president. We could have the best one.
Trump could transition.

Speaker 208 Now I can grab my very own pussy.

Speaker 208 Quite frankly, I have the best pussy. My pussy is very tight and beautiful.
Everyone who sees it says it's the best they have ever seen.

Speaker 208 My pussy is so much better than Caitlyn Jenner, who got a liberal pussy from the radical left. She got her pussy from a fake doctor.
I got mine from an American doctor.

Speaker 208 A lot of people go to Mexico to get their pussy. Not me.
Mine was made right here in America. America has the best pussies.
Everyone knows it.

Speaker 208 A Haitian man wanted to eat my cat the other day, but I said, no, this pussy is only for real Americans, legal Americans. They're eating the pussy, and it's our pussy.

Speaker 208 We cannot allow these people who are walking over the borders in the ocean continue to eat our beautiful American pussies.

Speaker 208 My pussy is so American it bleeds red, white, and blue.

Speaker 207 Usually, I would need to edit clips together for a joke like that, but that was all from a single interview.

Speaker 110 Fuck yes, I love it.

Speaker 152 The evolution of Aaron Belial

Speaker 144 doing some fucking next level shit over there using other voices making your own clips make writing the bits in other people's voices.

Speaker 142 That makes fucking sense.

Speaker 144 that's cool as hell awesome how's it going aaron you dress the part and everything

Speaker 101 you look like a politician even your arms as crooked as a politician right now

Speaker 156 you're better dressed than the literal politician that was up here yeah it's true

Speaker 207 tony has been spending too much time with trump didn't know that shooting carrot juice into your cock would make your skin that color

Speaker 107 shoot carrot juice into my cock Take a day off, buddy.

Speaker 207 Your head looks like a horse saddle with teeth.

Speaker 89 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 167 Thank you, Aaron.

Speaker 171 You fucking son of a bitch.

Speaker 89 You know, you can go out and get some sun sometime, Aaron.

Speaker 101 You can wobble your ass out to a golf course sometime and maybe drive the cart or something.

Speaker 132 Maybe you can caddy.

Speaker 77 Maybe I could use you as a fucking holster.

Speaker 207 I can't really do the thing.

Speaker 157 I know.

Speaker 157 I know.

Speaker 148 You remember that.

Speaker 172 Fuck you.

Speaker 209 You son of an Australian bitch.

Speaker 154 Say it again.

Speaker 209 You son of an Australian bitch.

Speaker 14 I've been nothing but good to you.

Speaker 34 Let me tell you, you've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your body.

Speaker 6 Aaron Belial.

Speaker 103 That's true.

Speaker 111 Look at this guy.

Speaker 41 Unbelievable what's happening here.

Speaker 124 God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful.

Speaker 127 He'd be too funny.

Speaker 126 Say it again.

Speaker 6 Say it again. I love you too.

Speaker 63 I love you.

Speaker 99 Wow, you're switching voices a lot over there.

Speaker 96 Do you have a black voice on there?

Speaker 34 I would personally like the Japanese voice, if that's possible.

Speaker 171 Oh, he's got one.

Speaker 83 He's very excited.

Speaker 78 This motherfucker's got body language and all capital letters.

Speaker 8 When he's got something, he fucking says...

Speaker 156 Shingle, I got something.

Speaker 35 Oh, I got that shit. Watch that.

Speaker 77 He's fucking look at him typing.

Speaker 109 Look how fast that thumb flies when you ask for a racist Asian accent.

Speaker 169 Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 91 I'm not this fast with a fucking fancy.

Speaker 102 Okay,

Speaker 98 Jesus, Aaron.

Speaker 99 My god, you're crazy.

Speaker 78 But what are you, Alec Baldwin with that trigger?

Speaker 111 I'm talking now.

Speaker 98 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 103 Oh, my. I'm talking now.

Speaker 182 Okay, all right.

Speaker 5 Well,

Speaker 121 okay, there you go.

Speaker 207 Stop trying to make me say the N-word. I am not like you.

Speaker 109 No, I don't say that.

Speaker 102 Thank you, Aaron.

Speaker 77 That's gonna be a fucking, that's gonna be a new conspiracy theory.

Speaker 77 Just because you're bent like that doesn't mean you have to be retarded.

Speaker 77 I'm not like you.

Speaker 144 I don't say the n-word.

Speaker 167 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 171 You've never heard me say the n-word.

Speaker 89 You've heard me say every other racial slur that there is.

Speaker 141 But you've never heard me say the word.

Speaker 117 Will you keep that fucking thing up?

Speaker 137 What are you, crazy?

Speaker 50 No, I'm not. I can't do it now.

Speaker 105 It's fucked up.

Speaker 134 It would have been fucked up.

Speaker 171 It would have been more racist than me saying the n-word.

Speaker 6 He was reaching.

Speaker 103 What?

Speaker 125 I saw the button you were going to push accidentally.

Speaker 163 Do you want to push it?

Speaker 162 No. No.

Speaker 71 When you see my hand go this way, that means you turn your fucking volume up.

Speaker 34 It wasn't on purpose. They've got all the animals on the iPad, and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button.

Speaker 77 I wasn't the chimp button.

Speaker 34 And then he stopped, because he's not a racist.

Speaker 148 I'm a chicken.

Speaker 150 Okay, Aaron, what the fuck were you going to say three minutes ago?

Speaker 112 It is no longer relevant then.

Speaker 42 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 188 Everything good?

Speaker 65 Is this your first New Year's in Austin?

Speaker 68 I can't remember. Is this your first time in America on a New Year's Eve?

Speaker 117 What do you guys normally do in Canada for New Year's Eve?

Speaker 81 Fucking make.

Speaker 127 You don't have a Canadian accent.

Speaker 137 I didn't know you were from Canada.

Speaker 207 Last year in New Year's I got jumped in Austin on 6th Street.

Speaker 207 I don't know if it's the way I dress or the way I walk, but homeless people keep targeting me.

Speaker 207 Yesterday on 6th Street, a guy sitting on a pizza box yells at me, hey you look like you need to be fucked in the ass.

Speaker 105 What the fuck?

Speaker 77 Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That was me.

Speaker 207 At a glance, what looking at me makes you think.

Speaker 169 whoa you stopped yourself from talking there at a glance.

Speaker 207 What looking at me makes you think I need to be fucked in the ass.

Speaker 207 I don't think that's gonna help my scoliosis.

Speaker 12 No,

Speaker 171 homeless people probably target you because they think you're a fucking zombie walking towards them in the dark, just fucking.

Speaker 162 Yeah,

Speaker 15 I would target you too.

Speaker 103 Whoa, Jesus.

Speaker 116 I only backed up because I thought it might be contagious.

Speaker 6 Aaron Belisle.

Speaker 96 He's pointing at me. That's racist.

Speaker 170 Okay.

Speaker 90 He's been out of Canada a while, but not long enough to accuse people of being racist and using slurs that they don't use.

Speaker 81 It's such a liberal thing.

Speaker 82 What else is going on, Aaron?

Speaker 107 Let me type it out first, and then I will tell you.

Speaker 207 I was telling a joke

Speaker 92 Oh, Anthony, that is just wrong.

Speaker 82 Anthony, the director, found a girl with a bunch of Botox and did a reaction shot there.

Speaker 171 That is wrong.

Speaker 140 Oh, my God.

Speaker 146 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 71 Is that the homeless person on the pizza box, Aaron?

Speaker 140 Look at that fucking...

Speaker 50 Oh, my God.

Speaker 80 Halloween on New Year's Eve.

Speaker 167 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 120 It's a hybrid.

Speaker 207 I love Orange. She came into my meet and greet line demanding a picture because she paid for me.
Kept grabbing at me too. So I acted retarded again, and I bit her.

Speaker 6 Hell yeah. You can.

Speaker 207 Good luck getting that nose fixed. I bite with the strength of 47 chromosomes.

Speaker 148 You're on fire, Aaron. You did it again.

Speaker 89 What else? Anything else?

Speaker 105 You fucking crushed, you did it.

Speaker 16 Great interview.

Speaker 41 Just a few more words from me.

Speaker 207 Joe, you should love me. I can transition at any time with my thumb.

Speaker 32 Oh,

Speaker 158 okay.

Speaker 141 For those of you that don't know, Joe got his dick sucked by a tranny two skank fests ago.

Speaker 69 If you're wondering why everybody keeps saying that Joe walks tranny.

Speaker 116 Sorry for being a champion of progress.

Speaker 176 I'm changing the world one blowjob at a time.

Speaker 209 I can turn into an Australian lady and you can jack me off.

Speaker 120 Wow.

Speaker 34 Don't you do that that to our sweet Australian women?

Speaker 125 You keep our voices out of your phone.

Speaker 103 Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country?

Speaker 34 Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? And you try and bring us down?

Speaker 65 That is true.

Speaker 100 Didgery, don't do that to him.

Speaker 209 I'm sorry.

Speaker 120 Oh, okay. I'll take it.

Speaker 103 Well, Aaron, you were great.

Speaker 76 You did it again.

Speaker 174 I love you. We love you.
The people love you.

Speaker 54 Aaron Belial

Speaker 92 wobbling his way to the mountaintop every step of the way.

Speaker 56 And indeed, this is bucket pull number four.

Speaker 7 We're about to go back-to-back bucket pulls.

Speaker 80 Your first one here, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Vic Shivdasani.

Speaker 15 Vic Shivdasani is the fourth bucket pool.

Speaker 66 You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 37 Make some fucking noise.

Speaker 20 Oh, shit.

Speaker 15 This is a fucking wild episode. Make some noise for Vic Shivdasani.

Speaker 39 So I just got to make a stipulation real quick.

Speaker 200 I do sit down, not stand up.

Speaker 198 It's a little bit different.

Speaker 39 My name is Vikash Shavdasani, but I go by Vic,

Speaker 200 so you're welcome.

Speaker 39 And I know what you're all thinking seeing me up here, but I'm not really disabled.

Speaker 137 I'm just really lazy.

Speaker 137 Or at least that's what I tell people.

Speaker 137 See, people always feel the need to come up to me and be like, hey, man, what happened? Why in a wheelchair?

Speaker 20 My favorite, like the old Indian people, who are like, so,

Speaker 137 what is wrong with you?

Speaker 183 I'm like, man, what the hell is wrong with you?

Speaker 176 Got no manners.

Speaker 200 Geez, nothing's wrong with me. I just got tired.
I wanted to sit down.

Speaker 200 I had a lazy idea to add wheels.

Speaker 39 Now I can remote chair everywhere. It's fucking genius.

Speaker 39 One time, this dude came out to me.

Speaker 176 He was like, hey, man, what's your handicap?

Speaker 120 I was like, what? I don't know.

Speaker 45 I don't play golf.

Speaker 200 But seriously, though, I used to walk and now I've been in a wheelchair for about 18 years.

Speaker 200 When I was 22 years old, after a night of partying, I fell off of a third floor apartment balcony after a night of after it left me paralyzed from the waist down.

Speaker 156 We're gonna save you from the Undertaker coming out of here.

Speaker 121 Stop.

Speaker 29 We're not gonna.

Speaker 156 That would be just so depressing if the Undertaker threw you in the middle of the fucking arena right now.

Speaker 94 This is crazy.

Speaker 46 The balls on these handicapped people that keep running the time.

Speaker 39 For the the record, the punchline there was oops.

Speaker 120 Okay.

Speaker 137 You didn't like that. Okay.
Vic.

Speaker 116 Vic Dasani.

Speaker 39 Shiv Dasani. Shiv Dasani.

Speaker 35 Shiv like you're stabbing somebody in jail.

Speaker 120 We got it.

Speaker 116 Does it upset you that the most prominent place you'll ever see your name is a water bottle?

Speaker 120 Okay.

Speaker 120 I thought that hit harder.

Speaker 81 He also thought that the floor would hit harder from the third story.

Speaker 87 So your third story apartment, what happened exactly?

Speaker 120 So

Speaker 200 we had a night of party, we went out to the club, we came back, and

Speaker 167 how long ago was this? How old were you?

Speaker 128 18 years, I was 22 years old at the time.

Speaker 41 22 years old.

Speaker 107 Man, that is just a ripe time to drink too much.

Speaker 117 How much do you think you had to drink that night?

Speaker 24 12 drinks,

Speaker 24 probably.

Speaker 112 There you go.

Speaker 101 Okay, so you're back at an after-party third floor apartment, and what happens?

Speaker 39 We took cabs to and from the club.

Speaker 169 We were responsible drunk Did you also drive the cab?

Speaker 120 No, no.

Speaker 15 No.

Speaker 170 Your father drove the cab.

Speaker 152 My uncle, but there you go.

Speaker 71 Okay, so you took cabs.

Speaker 108 I can't imagine how that applies to the story, but now you're back at the apartment.

Speaker 39 We got back to the apartment. One cab was missing.
I went to the balcony to call my cousin, who was in the missing cab.

Speaker 194 He's like, we're right around the corner.

Speaker 39 I lean over the balcony to see if I can see any headlights coming. I lost my balance.
Last thing I remember was losing my balance.

Speaker 15 Oh my god.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 39 Pretty much.

Speaker 148 Unbelievable comedic timing by Redband on the shot-shot-shots.

Speaker 141 Again, that's about 40 seconds after he said 12 drinks.

Speaker 182 But great.

Speaker 78 We're getting to the climax of the story.

Speaker 144 Hey, keep going.

Speaker 205 Maybe you'll fall off a fucking third-story balcony.

Speaker 127 He'll have free fall and ready to go in a minute and a half.

Speaker 186 It's fine.

Speaker 75 So

Speaker 90 you're leaning over the balcony at the most unbelievable time for a very loud noise.

Speaker 120 Go ahead, Vic.

Speaker 114 I lost my balance and

Speaker 39 the next, I mean, the last, the next thing I remember was waking on the ground.

Speaker 200 I don't remember falling or anything.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 107 Incredible.

Speaker 90 And what did they tell you when you awakened?

Speaker 39 No one actually saw me.

Speaker 39 My friends with the missing cab came literally right after I fell. All I had was a bloody nose.
Nobody knew what was going on.

Speaker 20 I was coming to, and then I thought I was like, I think I fell off the balcony. It was kind of awful.

Speaker 72 So hold on a second.

Speaker 78 This is unbelievable. This is incredible.

Speaker 107 I love how silent this arena can get.

Speaker 138 You're welcome.

Speaker 88 The story in which I feel like everybody's thinking, like, oh, fuck, that could have been me when I was 22.

Speaker 59 It certainly could have been us.

Speaker 47 It's as quiet as an actual H-E-B in here right now.

Speaker 90 So nobody noticed that you had fallen off.

Speaker 80 You kind of woke up and came to, you have a bloody nose.

Speaker 90 Could you feel your legs or anything?

Speaker 159 I couldn't get up.

Speaker 200 I couldn't move. And that's when I was just like, hell, something happened.

Speaker 78 I mean, how did they find you?

Speaker 39 I landed on the only four-foot patch of grass right next to a curb and six inches from a sprinkler.

Speaker 107 Wow, if you would have landed on the sprinkler, you would have been the best smelling Indian man that any of us

Speaker 97 Wouldn't that have been something just

Speaker 116 You're one sprinkler away from a superhero origin story

Speaker 186 Were you say it was your uncle you were waiting for your uncle to turn up who was who was late?

Speaker 137 My cousins.

Speaker 34 How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen?

Speaker 198 Immediately.

Speaker 6 All right, honestly

Speaker 172 Wow.

Speaker 6 And how old are you now?

Speaker 81 I'm 40.

Speaker 90 Okay, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 137 I am actually

Speaker 112 you make street food

Speaker 107 with your hands.

Speaker 80 You make sure your hands get into everything and they touch your feet and shit sometimes. That's what you people do.

Speaker 82 Every single one of you.

Speaker 134 Except for the cool Vivek guy.

Speaker 195 He seems clean and nice.

Speaker 120 Okay, all right.

Speaker 195 Okay. Again, that has nothing to do with anything.

Speaker 198 I actually am a, I help people heal from emotions.

Speaker 137 I'm a, I'm an emotional healing coach, I guess.

Speaker 6 I actually wrote a book. You wrote a book? I wrote a book.

Speaker 120 It's called Rolling With It, Lessons Learned While Sitting Down.

Speaker 54 No shit.

Speaker 134 What's your love life like?

Speaker 107 Can your dick get hard?

Speaker 80 It's what everybody wants to know.

Speaker 171 It's true.

Speaker 200 It's true. I got to use blue pills every so often, but it works.

Speaker 194 But yeah.

Speaker 81 Wow, that's a miracle.

Speaker 176 That's great.

Speaker 54 One miracle, yeah.

Speaker 6 That's great.

Speaker 65 Hard as I rock.

Speaker 89 You are Indian?

Speaker 101 I am Indian.

Speaker 77 Are your parents like strict Indians or whatever?

Speaker 80 They wanted you to be an engineer?

Speaker 198 Accountant.

Speaker 97 Oh, an accountant.

Speaker 78 Well, they can count on you never walking again.

Speaker 117 Do you get to see them a lot?

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 173 That's cool.

Speaker 113 Do you have anything fun that you do in your wheelchair?

Speaker 82 You play like wheelchair basketball?

Speaker 6 I play wheelchair basketball.

Speaker 200 I play for the Austin Wreckers.

Speaker 15 Whoa, look at that.

Speaker 114 That's incredible.

Speaker 54 I love it.

Speaker 77 Wrecker is a weird name for a basketball team in wheelchairs because that's how a lot of them get in the wheelchair.

Speaker 20 Very true.

Speaker 34 Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled?

Speaker 111 That's great.

Speaker 125 Do some feel like more proud to be there?

Speaker 200 That's a very interesting question.

Speaker 103 It is.

Speaker 80 It's like women with big natural tits running into a woman with big fake tits.

Speaker 198 Absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 200 I think the people who have been paralyzed more recently hate the people that have

Speaker 20 just think this is life, you know?

Speaker 125 You're looking down on them?

Speaker 47 You could say that.

Speaker 34 It's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of

Speaker 63 disability, but that's...

Speaker 159 But wait,

Speaker 137 the newer crippled people look down on the

Speaker 194 younger crippled people because the people who are born cripple like that's just been their life. So they're like this is it and

Speaker 91 but you're like you don't even fucking know how good it is to walk.

Speaker 120 Right. You don't.
That's what I'm trying to say. I get you.

Speaker 35 It's crazy.

Speaker 116 It's like trans women versus cis women.

Speaker 93 That makes sense. I get it now.

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 94 Damn, that's in I would have thought it would be the other way.

Speaker 94 I would have thought that the people born without the ability to walk would be like, you know, fuck you, at least you had a chance or whatever.

Speaker 144 I wouldn't have fallen off a balcony or whatever.

Speaker 94 I can't even see over the fucking bar to get 12 drinks in the first place.

Speaker 167 Like, I think they would have a lot of built-up inner anger.

Speaker 90 Do you have a girlfriend or a wife?

Speaker 157 No, I don't.

Speaker 122 Okay, you go dating a lot?

Speaker 137 Here and there, I get lucky sometimes.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 47 Yeah, you seem like a good-looking, likable.

Speaker 125 There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening.

Speaker 117 Are you from Austin?

Speaker 200 I'm from South Texas, but I moved during the summer.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 108 Have you kissed a girl in Austin since living here?

Speaker 120 I have not.

Speaker 10 Whoa.

Speaker 10 Uh-oh.

Speaker 46 Well, my dear friend, Vic V-I-K, it just so turns out that we have the best fan base here in the world.

Speaker 66 Is there a beautiful Austin woman out there that's willing to come up here and give Vic a big kiss?

Speaker 15 Anyone? Is there a woman?

Speaker 15 there's a bunch of dudes raising their fucking hands for some reason is that one right there with the glasses

Speaker 15 yeah yeah you with the glasses is that you oh shit look at this one look at that Vic you're about to get your first Austin kiss this looks like a real Austin woman misplaced tattoos keep coming keep walking lady

Speaker 15 I cannot believe this is happening right now it's happening Vic You're about to get your first Austin kiss from what appears to be Uncle Lazer's aunt.

Speaker 15 This is incredible. She has

Speaker 15 a bunch of tattoos. This is a real Austin girl, Vic.
Let's go. She might.

Speaker 15 You play for the Wreckers. She looks like she plays for the home wreckers.

Speaker 15 This is very exciting. Oh, shit.
Here she is.

Speaker 15 Oh, my God. You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Speaker 15 Here we go.

Speaker 57 Whoa, we got a camera angle on that.

Speaker 42 Oh shit. Oh

Speaker 31 shit.

Speaker 159 This is New Year's Eve at the HEB Center.

Speaker 7 Oh my god.

Speaker 145 Oh shit.

Speaker 15 Hell yeah.

Speaker 15 That's fucking fun.

Speaker 15 Here you go.

Speaker 15 Here's a big joke book, you crazy slut.

Speaker 15 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 15 Absolutely.

Speaker 15 Damn, Vic

Speaker 15 happy news to me

Speaker 124 Now Vic it's New Year's Eve have you fingered a girl in Austin yet

Speaker 15 she comes back up

Speaker 63 I'm being told, I'm being told from the great director

Speaker 98 that we might have a slow-motion replay of that kiss.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 181 Look at the tongue action happening here.

Speaker 71 He could take away your legs, but he could not take that mouth away.

Speaker 134 Dear God.

Speaker 70 That is an aggressive.

Speaker 121 You guys are both nasty fucks.

Speaker 150 You guys are fucking tonight for sure.

Speaker 3 That kiss was messier than your fall off of the balcony

Speaker 94 Except

Speaker 69 Except your whole family is actually gonna notice that right when it happens

Speaker 69 They're not gonna leave you you might end up waking up next to a sprinkler again Vic

Speaker 66 You're gonna have a hell of a night ahead of you.

Speaker 167 They might have to rename this place the HEEB Center after what all right There's a big joke book.

Speaker 107 First guy to catch it tonight. How about that?

Speaker 6 Can you say one more thing?

Speaker 57 Absolutely.

Speaker 3 Finally, someone with a disability on this show that can fucking enunciate.

Speaker 15 Wow, just insulting some of the greats.

Speaker 59 Okay, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belial are about to officially jump you when you get off stage.

Speaker 15 They have the ability to take put a...

Speaker 15 They're about to put a fucking stick in your spokes of your wheels.

Speaker 15 Bucket pool number five. It is that time, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 Straight to another bucket pull.

Speaker 15 Make some noise for her. It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brittany Ogata.

Speaker 15 Brittany Ogata.

Speaker 15 Here we go.

Speaker 15 Brittany Ogata.

Speaker 15 One more time for Brittany, everybody.

Speaker 210 I don't know what was going on out here, but I don't know how the fuck I'm going to follow that shit.

Speaker 210 So the other day I went through my 18 year old cell phone.

Speaker 211 I know non-progressive mom.

Speaker 210 And I went through and I found a chat that he was using where he was sexually chatting with some AI robot named Cindy.

Speaker 210 And I'm over here thinking, most parents would be gross the fuck out by now, but I'm over here like, yes.

Speaker 210 He's finally sexually talking to something. I need to get the shit dick out of my house already

Speaker 210 But the joke was on me because I quickly realized that the AI chat robot that he was speaking to was from a group chat that was called Boys Who Secretly Want to Fuck Their Moms.

Speaker 210 Boy, I was quick to the store to buy four fucking locks for my bedroom door that night.

Speaker 210 Just the other day, I went to go pick him up from school, high school, and I'm sitting in the car and he comes out and he's got like one glove, just one glove on his hand.

Speaker 210 You know, one of the gloves with the tips cut off like how they wear wear, like, sticky bandits and home alone.

Speaker 210 And anyway, I look at him. I'm like, what the fuck is this homo doing?

Speaker 210 And he gets in my car and I'm like, what the fuck are you wearing?

Speaker 148 All right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 80 I'm going to save you again.

Speaker 156 There's some saving people tonight.

Speaker 77 There it is.

Speaker 162 Oh, boy.

Speaker 46 You came out guns ablazing with an excuse.

Speaker 100 Don't know how I'm going to follow that.

Speaker 60 And I knew right then and there that you were going to fucking suck.

Speaker 93 It's okay, though.

Speaker 211 You had some laughters.

Speaker 47 Yeah, it's okay.

Speaker 90 That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say and look like.

Speaker 167 I had some laughters.

Speaker 16 Okay, let's talk about it.

Speaker 117 How long have you been doing stand-up, Brittany?

Speaker 210 This is my first time.

Speaker 141 What made you want to sign up tonight?

Speaker 152 Okay.

Speaker 92 Got him back on your side.

Speaker 77 Joe DeRosa comes running back because he thinks you're trans.

Speaker 108 What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your first time doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 210 Honestly, it's my husband's birthday. He's out there.

Speaker 14 He's been watching Kill Tony.

Speaker 120 Are you booing husband's birthday?

Speaker 210 It's because we're not on stage right now, that's all.

Speaker 162 Whoa.

Speaker 77 Straight up attacking the comedian section.

Speaker 14 The comedian's attacking me.

Speaker 158 Sorry.

Speaker 35 My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.

Speaker 210 I said tips cut off.

Speaker 165 I know it was tips, but I was like,

Speaker 120 that was fun.

Speaker 210 It was going to be a good joke.

Speaker 91 Can I ask what that was?

Speaker 124 Why did he have a glove with the tips?

Speaker 210 He was wearing a glove, and this is a true story.

Speaker 107 People are begging for the Undertaker to come out and beat the shit out of a woman.

Speaker 29 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 120 He does.

Speaker 147 This is incredible.

Speaker 117 I've never seen anything.

Speaker 99 I did not think this is how this show would go.

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 142 How long have you been with your husband?

Speaker 210 I've been with him for 10 years, but I've been watching you guys forever, so.

Speaker 93 Again, the comedians are booing.

Speaker 66 Are you guys booing this because you think I'm going to bring up the husband?

Speaker 141 Why are you booing her husband?

Speaker 76 I'm confused.

Speaker 34 What were you doing to the comedians during the show?

Speaker 210 I wasn't even sitting over there. I had my own ticket.

Speaker 78 Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband?

Speaker 29 I can send the Undertaker. I'm not bringing up the Undertaker.

Speaker 78 It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up in Bahamas.

Speaker 130 People really want to see it, though.

Speaker 109 This is incredible.

Speaker 122 Okay, I'm going to save you.

Speaker 69 I'm going to save everybody right now. Is there any hilarious thing about you?

Speaker 144 There you go.

Speaker 77 That's her time.

Speaker 46 This is a very, very, very...

Speaker 212 Good on you.

Speaker 108 This is the smallest joke book I could find.

Speaker 77 There she goes.

Speaker 130 And now, ladies and gentlemen, watch how fast the energy in the room changes as I bring up a comedian.

Speaker 15 who was not here last night and hasn't been around very much lately because he has been booked doing sold-out shows all around the world.

Speaker 15 A man of true mystery, an anomaly, if you will, in the history of Kiltoni, is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 15 A freak, a man talked about. Some people say that this is God's favorite comedian.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Casey Rocket.

Speaker 98 And yet I find,

Speaker 120 yet I find, there's no one left a cool

Speaker 197 God, senior year is going to be nuts.

Speaker 197 We're going to run this school, man.

Speaker 72 Marble, marble,

Speaker 72 Hair.

Speaker 197 The ritual is almost complete, Tony.

Speaker 8 But one of us has to die for the other to truly be free.

Speaker 197 Alexander wept, for there were no more rifts left to conquer. It's funny you bring that up, because

Speaker 197 seven years ago tonight, my teacher, Miss Garlic, Carly Garlic,

Speaker 11 she...

Speaker 197 heir to the garlic fortune. She

Speaker 197 old garlic money.

Speaker 125 You guys would have loved her.

Speaker 47 But

Speaker 129 she pulled me aside and she said, titty boy LaCroix.

Speaker 72 And

Speaker 72 I said, speaking? And

Speaker 197 she said five words that changed my life. She said, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Speaker 164 And I

Speaker 197 told her the truth, Austin. I said, I want to relapse.
And

Speaker 129 she was startled.

Speaker 197 I think she was startled because a relapse is predicated upon upon an initial addiction, but she's a sheep.

Speaker 185 She doesn't get me like you guys do.

Speaker 185 But

Speaker 129 so seven years ago, I would have been 12.

Speaker 197 I'm 19 now.

Speaker 197 And I've never looked better. Maybe he's born with it.
Maybe it's from huffing ether.

Speaker 76 But

Speaker 72 science isn't there yet to tell. But

Speaker 129 it's funny to do drugs when you're 12 because two years before that you were 10.

Speaker 197 So

Speaker 9 so you're a little kid.

Speaker 3 You're like a little kid.

Speaker 197 Like, I can remember doing Air Duster with my friends.

Speaker 129 And we're 12 years old. I can remember doing Duster.

Speaker 179 And my buddy would be like, what's the biggest dog you've ever seen?

Speaker 13 And I'd be like, my neighbor's dog's fucking massive.

Speaker 129 But you shouldn't do Duster. I've lost a lot of good friends like that.

Speaker 197 Chris Benoit, Aaron Carter.

Speaker 124 Chris Benoit couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Speaker 129 Especially around the holidays. But

Speaker 197 Chris Benoit murdered his family, allegedly. I think Rey Mysterio did it, but

Speaker 129 thank you, Casey Rocket, class of 2013.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 145 Ladies and gentlemen, that is how it's done.

Speaker 147 Thank you. What a return.

Speaker 139 I mean, I don't think I've ever said this before on this show, but Casey, I have missed you.

Speaker 197 I missed you.

Speaker 61 You are such a distinct type of rock star, built for arenas at the ripe age of 19 years old.

Speaker 72 19.

Speaker 168 That's news to us.

Speaker 197 I've never looked better.

Speaker 104 It's true.

Speaker 91 Did you get a septum piercing?

Speaker 9 You say something.

Speaker 197 Funny you bring that up, James.

Speaker 154 I did.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 120 Did it hurt? Yeah.

Speaker 24 Where'd you get it done at?

Speaker 4 Tuti's.

Speaker 109 Wow. Where's Tuti's at?

Speaker 197 Right next to Mr.

Speaker 91 Tyler's.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 111 Let's talk about Carly Garlic.

Speaker 99 Heir to the garlic fortune.

Speaker 197 That name.

Speaker 197 What's in a name, really? But

Speaker 197 Miss Garlic was one of the formidable adversaries and my benefactor. She put me through med school, and

Speaker 197 I wouldn't be anywhere without Miss Garlic. It's Carly garlic to you.

Speaker 168 It's Miss Garlic to me.

Speaker 47 Wow. Which seems backwards.

Speaker 24 That is amazing.

Speaker 88 I had no idea you went to medical school.

Speaker 96 What did you study at medical school?

Speaker 168 Pre-med.

Speaker 158 Okay.

Speaker 9 I love it.

Speaker 9 I love it.

Speaker 197 Yeah, just trying to figure it all out.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 168 Phishing attacks, cybersecurity.

Speaker 72 Homeland. You alright, Red Band?

Speaker 168 Red Band's been really sick.

Speaker 92 Casey, you are such a star with such an unbelievable brand and your own style.

Speaker 144 How's it been going out on the road?

Speaker 159 It's been really good.

Speaker 152 Oh, you're putting your hair back.

Speaker 41 We've never seen this before.

Speaker 77 That's a new thing.

Speaker 197 It's been the best summer of my life. Yeah, I went to.

Speaker 68 Can you turn to the sides that everybody can see?

Speaker 90 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 15 Oh my god, titty boy LaCroix.

Speaker 20 Thanks.

Speaker 129 And these old rags?

Speaker 197 Yeah, it's been the best summer ever.

Speaker 129 I went to 40 cities.

Speaker 197 I just got finished, so I'm going to 30 more next year. It's been really fun.
Thank you for coming to see me.

Speaker 200 So cool.

Speaker 200 Thank you.

Speaker 137 A true comedian.

Speaker 195 A true comedian.

Speaker 41 Spreads his wings all over.

Speaker 81 How do you travel?

Speaker 105 What type of vehicle do you have?

Speaker 96 I've always wondered that.

Speaker 92 You seem like such a mysterious man. I've always pictured you perhaps horse and carriage or something.

Speaker 168 Yeah, Nasferatu style.

Speaker 151 God.

Speaker 168 Listen to that Nasferatu pop.

Speaker 211 One of the biggest pops in Shobiz history.

Speaker 154 Tony's about to barf.

Speaker 24 I've been so sick.

Speaker 48 I did an almost double spit take there.

Speaker 89 I swallowed half.

Speaker 197 Yeah, horse and buggy. My mom's a horse trainer.
Shout out to Jenny Rocket. She's a horse trainer.
She's watching from home right now.

Speaker 168 So cool.

Speaker 11 That's nice.

Speaker 197 Thanks.

Speaker 3 Yeah, horse and buggy, little car, big car.

Speaker 143 I'm looking at the way that Joe DeRosa is looking at you, and I noticed that it changed when you put your hair back in a ponytail.

Speaker 116 I did notice that out of all the almost trans women tonight, I am most attracted to Casey Rocket.

Speaker 167 It is incredible.

Speaker 59 Truly,

Speaker 187 out of the performers and

Speaker 93 the woman that came up to kiss the Indian in the wheelchair, somehow Casey Rocket is indeed the most beautiful woman that's been on the stage tonight.

Speaker 120 Very.

Speaker 7 Oh,

Speaker 20 is that Jenny Rocket I'm here?

Speaker 116 I want to say a very sincere thing to Casey.

Speaker 116 I mean this, dude.

Speaker 116 Like, like, you know, when you're in the business, whatever, you see some of the younger guys coming up, and sometimes you see a dude that makes you go, fuck, man, this guy, I got to work harder.

Speaker 116 You're one of those fucking guys to me, man.

Speaker 47 I'm serious. Thank you, Joe.

Speaker 75 You really are.

Speaker 6 I'm serious.

Speaker 64 I've started to see.

Speaker 42 Thank you.

Speaker 139 I've seen a couple people on

Speaker 167 social media.

Speaker 81 I've been sent some clips of some people. I don't know their names.

Speaker 144 I wouldn't throw anybody under a bus, but I will say that I'm starting to see some up-and-coming comics try to rip that style a bit.

Speaker 15 A lot of roaming around, a lot of not looking at people.

Speaker 77 I'm starting to see murmurs of it.

Speaker 167 The comedy store trip.

Speaker 35 How Monica sales have gone through the roof.

Speaker 120 It's terrible.

Speaker 197 Yeah, riffing is not a victimless crime.

Speaker 97 It's not.

Speaker 129 I wouldn't advise it.

Speaker 193 It's tough.

Speaker 168 I don't want to. We can talk about it later.

Speaker 112 But of course.

Speaker 120 We'll circle back to it. Of course.
But that's really flattering.

Speaker 197 I'm just a comic, just a guy from his car living the American dream and happy to be here.

Speaker 159 Thank you.

Speaker 100 We love you, Casey Rocket.

Speaker 57 Another unbelievable performance.

Speaker 51 Truly,

Speaker 110 truly, you have watched this star be born and risen and rises again.

Speaker 62 This is the resurrection.

Speaker 15 of titty boy LaCroix Casey Rocket.

Speaker 15 And that brings us, indeed, to bucket pool number six who knows this next person could be the next KC rocket make some noise for him it's Tim Hill everyone Tim Hill straight out of the bucket

Speaker 15 anything can happen there's Tim Hill

Speaker 111 Austin Texas is everybody doing good on New Year's

Speaker 184 Good, good. So I just want to say every woman in the world, every woman reaches an orgasm differently.
Fellas, listen. Every woman comes differently.

Speaker 184 Every woman takes a little something different to reach a climax. I was dating a lady one time who could only come while she was on top.

Speaker 184 My last girlfriend could only come when she was getting fucked from behind. The lady I'm with right now can only come if she's getting fucked by a black guy and I'm tied up.
It's crazy.

Speaker 178 It's crazy.

Speaker 184 But tomorrow I'm going to be a couple years sober, actually.

Speaker 184 And

Speaker 184 don't woo. I have a minute.

Speaker 184 But I was in Narcotics Anonymous for a long time, and there was this lady, she was in my group, she was in Narcotics Anonymous. She was there for weed.

Speaker 184 And, yo, I respect everybody, but like, fuck that lady. You know what? It's like, hey, yo, we do heroin and benzos in here, sweetheart.

Speaker 6 All right?

Speaker 118 Get a story or get out, okay?

Speaker 184 We're good.

Speaker 75 There you go.

Speaker 57 Tim Hill, you've been on this show before.

Speaker 36 I remember you.

Speaker 61 Years ago, yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome back.

Speaker 191 Was it, were you still on narcotics the last time you were on this show?

Speaker 184 No, but the last time I hung out with you, I was.

Speaker 80 When did we hang out?

Speaker 184 Skank Fest South,

Speaker 2 I was toast.

Speaker 88 That makes sense.

Speaker 91 That makes sense.

Speaker 34 That's a terrible festival for a recovering narcotics addict to

Speaker 184 choose to go to. I was fucked up.

Speaker 184 I was on drugs.

Speaker 97 Okay.

Speaker 125 Well, I'm proud of you for the journey.

Speaker 184 Thank you, man. I appreciate it.

Speaker 184 Unless you want to hang out later.

Speaker 89 Yeah, look at that.

Speaker 80 Joe DeRosa found the second most beautiful woman on this stage tonight.

Speaker 116 I was going to say, I like how Casey was dressed like Lane Stanley and you look like Courtney Love.

Speaker 92 It is amazing.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 184 It's a fucking guy who wants to do Coke with me later. That's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 76 What's up? We're getting quiet.

Speaker 90 What do you do for work?

Speaker 184 I take care of dogs. I'm like a trainer and stuff like that.
I go around. I walk dogs.

Speaker 184 I work at a place for like a daycare, but I I do a lot of stuff with them hold on but you've got a UPS shirt on this this is are you stealing valor from the UPS yeah yeah

Speaker 184 you get to skip the lines and things like that free packages delivered to my house this is my girlfriend shirt

Speaker 184 so you really do have a girlfriend yeah how long have you been with her very brief since I got to Texas like right away in March like eight or nine months okay what does she do now she works for a gun company she counts like gun parts

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 184 she makes she's fucking putting Glocks together bringing them home. Yeah, I find parts all over my house.
It's like John Wicks living in my home.

Speaker 71 Yeah, almost forgot we were in Texas and then I heard a pop for gun parts

Speaker 139 of a gun can't have a whole gun without the parts

Speaker 187 I just love them when the parts come together.

Speaker 5 This is a hot crowd tonight.

Speaker 61 This is a true Texas crowd cheering for gun parts.

Speaker 152 People crying.

Speaker 16 I saw tears out there during that national anthem.

Speaker 141 I saw tears for the Undertaker.

Speaker 140 This is a real Texas crowd.

Speaker 125 And you did a joke about your girlfriend having sex with black guys while you watched.

Speaker 34 But I'm just noticing this in America.

Speaker 178 In every hotel room, there is a cuck chair looking at the bed.

Speaker 186 So is that more common?

Speaker 34 There's always a chair.

Speaker 165 So someone gets right at the bed.

Speaker 34 Is that a very common...

Speaker 108 No, that's Tim Hill's special seat, they'll tell you.

Speaker 184 That's mine.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 150 They don't do that in Australia.

Speaker 191 They don't have a chair in the bedroom just in case you're.

Speaker 91 It doesn't always point directly at the bed.

Speaker 99 It's a chair where you're supposed to, like, I don't know, take your shoes off.

Speaker 187 Watch your wife get fucked by another man.

Speaker 116 It's truly the land of milk and honey America.

Speaker 112 We have a chair in the hotel room.

Speaker 118 How fucking bad is shit in Australia?

Speaker 120 I'm the king of the castle.

Speaker 13 I'm on a chair.

Speaker 107 What's an Australian thing that's in a bedroom that's not in an American bedroom?

Speaker 163 A real man.

Speaker 34 Thank you, that's great.

Speaker 35 I appreciate that.

Speaker 116 People that don't talk like idiots.

Speaker 103 Why would you say that?

Speaker 187 I knew it would come to this.

Speaker 137 We have perfectly good bedrooms.

Speaker 137 We talk in a normal way.

Speaker 35 No, you don't. Listen to yourself.

Speaker 187 Yeah, it's fair. Sound like like I'm warm.

Speaker 124 Here's why it's hard.

Speaker 35 I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia. And as I was in line,

Speaker 137 I heard a woman talking.

Speaker 165 And I thought, fuck, she's retarded.

Speaker 34 And then I realized it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me.

Speaker 116 I also love that the Australian pronunciation of retarded is equal to the Boston pronunciation of retarded.

Speaker 112 Retarded.

Speaker 34 You got to pay the respect to where it came from, you know?

Speaker 75 Tim, what's the craziest thing we'd be surprised to know about you that since the last time you've been on this show a couple years ago?

Speaker 184 Let's talk to Ladies Dick.

Speaker 32 Whoa.

Speaker 120 You guys got

Speaker 72 up.

Speaker 116 Let's sit down and have a conversation, my friend.

Speaker 56 Welcome to another episode of Wo DeRosa.

Speaker 75 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 89 Take us through the evening.

Speaker 143 Nice and slow.

Speaker 117 Don't just go straight to like the, so she's coming down the back of my throat.

Speaker 99 Like, where did you see her? Where did you meet her?

Speaker 107 What take it nice and easy?

Speaker 190 It's a pretty simple story.

Speaker 184 You go on a website called List Crawler.

Speaker 90 Wait, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 184 I sucked a prostitute's dick.

Speaker 6 Oh my god.

Speaker 184 There was a condom on it, which made me feel more like a whore

Speaker 195 than I did in the first place.

Speaker 156 You basically sucked a dildo.

Speaker 163 Yeah,

Speaker 116 that's like making a sandwich for the guy at Subway.

Speaker 182 No, that...

Speaker 175 It sounds like that, but no.

Speaker 184 When the interest is to see a lady with giant tits and a cock,

Speaker 184 the $75 is worth it.

Speaker 94 You paid $75 to suck a lady's dick with a condom on it?

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 34 It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like.

Speaker 152 right?

Speaker 34 Like, conservative has changed its meaning pretty drastically over the last two years.

Speaker 6 Look, so let me speak for that.

Speaker 165 It's like a right-wing podcast, they're all sucking whore dick.

Speaker 139 Let me let me let me speak for everybody when I say everyone in America deserves to suck a lady's dick.

Speaker 64 We just don't want our kids to have to hear about it in school.

Speaker 82 The second they graduate high school, it's fucking condoms ready.

Speaker 103 I'll clear it up.

Speaker 184 It was a three-way dick suck with a woman who I was with.

Speaker 182 Dig up!

Speaker 139 Wait, say that again?

Speaker 184 I used to have sex on the internet, you know?

Speaker 122 What do you mean, sex on the internet?

Speaker 184 I'm going to get there. I had sex on chatterbait, if you're familiar.

Speaker 77 Ooh, standing ovation from Redban, our senior disgusting correspondent.

Speaker 183 And

Speaker 184 we wanted to switch it up.

Speaker 184 So we got tits and a dick at the same time.

Speaker 184 Not a common order on the internet.

Speaker 144 Hold on.

Speaker 78 So this is with your girlfriend?

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 78 So you and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here.

Speaker 5 Correct. Let's go.

Speaker 184 That's the start and stop of the story. We find one on the internet.

Speaker 111 Oh.

Speaker 63 Whatever happened to good old-fashioned heterosexual love.

Speaker 184 Well, because here's a problem.

Speaker 213 Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation?

Speaker 117 By the way, I just want to take a moment.

Speaker 143 About 20 seconds ago, there was a guy on the final thing when I said, so you and your girl had a girl with a dick come over and some guy over there goes, gay.

Speaker 108 Like it's like where have you been the last seven minutes, sir?

Speaker 70 You just wake up?

Speaker 152 Is that Vic landing from the third floor again?

Speaker 58 It's like,

Speaker 72 yay!

Speaker 117 What's a sprinkler doing next to me?

Speaker 68 But this ends with a sprinkler in your face as well.

Speaker 6 It sure does, yeah.

Speaker 184 Okay. You know, because my girlfriend and I, we were on Chatterbait a lot, and we had regular people who liked the things that we did, and they wanted a little switch-up.
Right.

Speaker 184 And hey, it's a switch-up that I didn't fucking hate.

Speaker 117 Right.

Speaker 117 Okay, so the woman comes over.

Speaker 107 You throw a con, do you you guys just get right to it?

Speaker 56 Is there any small talk?

Speaker 47 There's drug use.

Speaker 96 Okay, what kind of drugs?

Speaker 184 Coke is what I was on. Okay.

Speaker 97 And the hooker, the trans hooker, did Coke as well?

Speaker 161 The hookers won't do your drugs.

Speaker 184 I don't know if you boys have ever tried, but the hookers are playing it safe nowadays. Right.

Speaker 120 And they won't do drugs.

Speaker 184 All I wanted for two years was to do Coke in a room with a hooker.

Speaker 50 And

Speaker 50 they would hang out with me.

Speaker 136 It's not a hard thing to achieve.

Speaker 184 Dude, it's harder than you'd fucking think, apparently.

Speaker 120 It's not.

Speaker 175 all right show me around then

Speaker 89 this is incredible this is the world that people who hated the beatles were afraid of

Speaker 34 they knew it started with a man with long hair and it ended here

Speaker 34 attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the internet you're like 80 pounds and a dick in your mouth away from being me okay

Speaker 34 That's true. There was a fork in the road and we went down.

Speaker 6 I went with the sandwich.

Speaker 186 You went with the penis.

Speaker 124 There was a fork in your mouth.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 61 That's incredible.

Speaker 90 You're a wheelchair away from being Lieutenant Dan.

Speaker 181 Okay, so the hooker comes over.

Speaker 78 You and your girlfriend do drugs.

Speaker 138 The hooker refuses your drugs, starts slowly putting on a condom.

Speaker 50 No, they hang out.

Speaker 184 Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, she gets it.
I get sucked, you know, a little bit by both of them. And then we do what the people on the internet are asking for,

Speaker 120 which is.

Speaker 122 So you went live on the internet sucking addiction.

Speaker 167 Yes.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 68 Any regrets the next morning?

Speaker 199 No.

Speaker 89 I love that.

Speaker 184 No, just an unlocked thing that I know I like now that I can't.

Speaker 156 A lot of guys are sobering up out there, realizing that this guy's out there sucking cops and that they don't like that.

Speaker 8 How much money did you make, though?

Speaker 184 A good amount. More than the $75, you fucking homophobes.

Speaker 6 So you pull the profit off that.

Speaker 103 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 178 Easy peasy.

Speaker 120 Hotel room, Coke, and hooker free.

Speaker 116 Wow. At what point do you and your girlfriend stream the AIDS test?

Speaker 184 That's Patreon. That's next week.

Speaker 80 Is the clip findable somewhere? Is it on?

Speaker 5 Oh, okay.

Speaker 170 Red Band was trying. I wanted to help.

Speaker 184 Can you go backwards on Chatterbait, Red Band? You know.

Speaker 94 You already have a chokebook?

Speaker 170 No. Here you go.

Speaker 154 There goes

Speaker 155 damn.

Speaker 133 Well, no, that's another person's job.

Speaker 74 There goes Tim Hill, everybody.

Speaker 15 Oh, boy. This place is about to go crazy again.

Speaker 15 Uh-oh.

Speaker 15 Another person who wasn't here last night who just got into town today is yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Akil Tony Hall of

Speaker 15 Famer.

Speaker 15 A guy absolutely, I believe, second place for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, a roast god.

Speaker 9 This

Speaker 15 is

Speaker 15 the one and only David Lucas.

Speaker 15 Yeah,

Speaker 15 thank you, thank you.

Speaker 15 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 214 Y'all ever notice that snatching a black girl's wig off

Speaker 214 is equivalent to taking the mask off of the criminal on Scooby-Doo?

Speaker 177 It's like, I knew it was you.

Speaker 216 She's like, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you, kids.

Speaker 214 I don't know what it is about snatching a black girl's wig off, but that shit changed her DNA. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 214 Because when you snatch the wig off the eyebrows come with it

Speaker 214 my relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch wig off

Speaker 177 I snatched her wig off and I call the cops on that hoe

Speaker 214 I'm like hey it's a hood nigga in my bathroom

Speaker 111 somebody uncle just went in my closet

Speaker 214 But I think if you're in a relationship and you've been with a girl at least three months, you should have at least seen her natural face.

Speaker 214 Because the first time you see your girl without makeup, it's like, damn, baby, I didn't know you had six months to live.

Speaker 24 What the fuck?

Speaker 214 If I knew that shit was terminal, I would have never cheated on your ass.

Speaker 214 All right, that's my time.

Speaker 152 Fuck yes.

Speaker 65 The return

Speaker 61 of the legend. Yeah.

Speaker 29 David Lucas.

Speaker 26 Tony,

Speaker 120 uh-oh.

Speaker 214 You look like a gay nigga nigga going through a divorce.

Speaker 111 Yes.

Speaker 103 That motherfucker got his sleeves rolled up like he about to split everything in half,

Speaker 177 including the dildo.

Speaker 30 This is your half.

Speaker 111 What's up, Tony? I know you're going to look.

Speaker 143 Well, we know you're not splitting anything in half.

Speaker 163 We know what you split in half.

Speaker 41 Oh, you son of a

Speaker 48 God.

Speaker 138 Your hat is as backwards as your diet.

Speaker 214 Why you so red, nigga? You got to stop letting your man abuse you.

Speaker 218 You up here looking like a ripe tomato, bitch.

Speaker 177 Yo, ass.

Speaker 214 I'm going to throw it at the next bucket pool that don't do good.

Speaker 69 I can't believe you know what a tomato is.

Speaker 169 That's a vegetable.

Speaker 144 With nutrients in it, but you know what a cucumber is

Speaker 214 you fucking gay motherfucker.

Speaker 214 That nigga Tony know what a sandwich pickle is.

Speaker 177 Look at it. He want one right now.

Speaker 214 And that nigga smoking that cigarette thinking about a dick.

Speaker 182 God damn it. You are on fire already.

Speaker 120 Look at you.

Speaker 97 You look like

Speaker 167 somebody's fucking teddy bear ate everything.

Speaker 177 I just be missing Tony so much.

Speaker 214 God damn, what's up, Tony? Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 158 Yeah.

Speaker 214 That nigga looked like the kid off of the Wild Thornberries.

Speaker 217 Yep. What was that kid's name on the Wild Thornberry?

Speaker 203 David.

Speaker 116 It's nice to finally be in a room big enough that you can fit into.

Speaker 216 Joe, if you would have been riding in the front seat of JFK's car, he wouldn't be dead.

Speaker 111 You big head bitch.

Speaker 111 Water balloon head ass nigga.

Speaker 15 Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 120 Look at that nigga head out here looking like Jimmy Neutron.

Speaker 178 Bitch, get your.

Speaker 42 It's true. It's true.

Speaker 177 That motherfucker look like an educated llama. Get your dumbass.

Speaker 215 Look at that nigga head.

Speaker 116 I like that you're keeping the chocolate Twizzlers inside your hat now.

Speaker 215 Joe DeRosa look like he got a football helmet on, boy, such.

Speaker 214 Big head ass. If you had button nigga, it'd be a first-degree homicide charge.

Speaker 177 Big head bitch.

Speaker 214 God damn it. Now you got to take an aspirin with a bow and arrow.

Speaker 112 David Lucas.

Speaker 214 Tony, how many boyfriends you got now?

Speaker 173 Oh, my God.

Speaker 138 You stop it.

Speaker 214 Especially after that Trump shit, nigga. I know you got some motherfucking exotic niggas now, boy.

Speaker 89 Hell yeah.

Speaker 177 Tony out here with all type of Puerto Rican niggas at his house.

Speaker 139 Before I was a blatant Republican, the only elephant that supported me was you.

Speaker 177 Don't laugh at that shit, man. Fuck this, nigga.

Speaker 162 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 63 Got him.

Speaker 214 Tony, I don't even know why you're a Republican because you can't get abortions no more.

Speaker 55 What?

Speaker 177 You can't get no more abortions, nigga.

Speaker 80 You're the one that looks like you're pregnant with triplets.

Speaker 45 I might be.

Speaker 167 That is incredible.

Speaker 214 Every time I'm nut in a bitch, I get pregnant.

Speaker 68 Have you not tried Ozempic?

Speaker 65 Are you allergic to it or something? What's going on?

Speaker 94 You haven't tried it? You know there's an easy way around this now.

Speaker 214 Tony, you out here taking zestosterone, bitch.

Speaker 215 Your buddy looking...

Speaker 214 What a gay ass nigga.

Speaker 8 Dave's like, I've been eating the Ozempic.

Speaker 98 It's not working.

Speaker 201 Joe DeRosa, we're going to put your head on some Ozempic, bitch.

Speaker 111 Your head needs to go on a slip-ass diet, bitch.

Speaker 159 Look at James, he's fat.

Speaker 165 No, I'm sitting this out.

Speaker 125 I was very happy to sit this one out.

Speaker 216 That motherfucker James looked like William Montgomery waking up from a 20-year karma.

Speaker 10 You shut your mouth.

Speaker 201 You shut your bitch mouth, David Lucas.

Speaker 213 David Lucas looked like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls.

Speaker 12 I'm not taking this from you.

Speaker 185 Oh, shit.

Speaker 56 You woke the Australian roast beast.

Speaker 201 I want to wake that nigga up, boy.

Speaker 218 It looked like somebody put your ass in the dryer, bitch.

Speaker 177 That motherfucker said, I got to be the kill Tony in 30 minutes. Let me go in the dryer.

Speaker 34 Well, if people would stop canceling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare.

Speaker 120 I call it. You bitch.

Speaker 148 You dumb bitch.

Speaker 165 You're so nice backstage.

Speaker 91 What is this weird persona?

Speaker 121 Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8,000 people?

Speaker 219 Your mama raised you better than that.

Speaker 164 Yeah.

Speaker 178 A kangaroo raised you, you Australian bitch.

Speaker 45 Did you drive a Subaru here, you fucking lesbian?

Speaker 178 Get your ass out of here, James McCann.

Speaker 214 You look like a disheveled lesbian. Get your motherfucking...

Speaker 125 Oh, yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed.

Speaker 126 You don't have any problems going on in the body.

Speaker 35 People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much, David.

Speaker 130 If David lived in a glass house, he wouldn't be able to lean against any of the walls.

Speaker 206 Y'all ganging up on me now?

Speaker 214 I'm kind of like niggas gang up on Tony.

Speaker 24 You stop!

Speaker 127 Yeah, it's funny.

Speaker 214 Motherfucker.

Speaker 178 Joe DeRosa, go ahead.

Speaker 177 What's your head got to say?

Speaker 45 I like to see you put on a baseball cap, nigga.

Speaker 112 Your head is on the last notch.

Speaker 8 Show the notch to the people.

Speaker 148 It's on the last fucking notch.

Speaker 66 Can we zoom in on that notch?

Speaker 177 But Joe DeRosa, you look like one of them rattlesnake preachers.

Speaker 45 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 214 When rattlesnakes bite you, then you pray it off.

Speaker 45 All right, that wasn't that good.

Speaker 164 Yeah, don't try to get Shawty. Joe

Speaker 34 look like someone who has given richard nixon advice

Speaker 10 look at him

Speaker 63 you do look at him jay can't just make me laugh i don't know i watched a watergate documentary you're in it a lot

Speaker 163 you look like somebody bleached david lucas you fat i'll accept it he's not that fat that's like my yes he is he's fat oh in my country if i was his eyes i'd be happy In my country, I'm very, very fat.

Speaker 164 For real? Australia.

Speaker 124 In America, I'm doing okay.

Speaker 215 In America, you're healthy, nigga.

Speaker 127 That's a I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart.

Speaker 126 That is a good time.

Speaker 127 I've seen you there. We've been out there together.

Speaker 120 I don't shop at Walmart, nigga.

Speaker 15 What the fuck is you talking about?

Speaker 177 Joe DeRosa looks like he can only drive convertibles with that head, nigga.

Speaker 206 Or a fucking car with a swimroof.

Speaker 217 You just see his head poking out the top.

Speaker 214 If you see Joe DeRosa's head shadowed, that means we got 30 more days.

Speaker 9 This is incredible.

Speaker 215 Crown DeRosa Day.

Speaker 80 David Lucas is only here because when he heard HEB Center, he thought he was going to the best grocery store ever.

Speaker 164 H-E-B is

Speaker 111 a good grocery store. It's fantastic.

Speaker 177 Yeah, it's a good grocery store.

Speaker 107 That's where you can catch him on mobility scooters.

Speaker 214 I actually do groceries delivered to my house.

Speaker 76 Really? Really?

Speaker 164 You don't move around much?

Speaker 196 That's a surprise.

Speaker 214 If you get a headache, you're going to be in the hospital for three days.

Speaker 161 No, I had this man picked as a whole foods man because he's eating the whole foods up in that store.

Speaker 91 That's all I have. I'm sorry.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 I'm going to take a kangaroo to beat your ass.

Speaker 76 This is incredible.

Speaker 188 You really get groceries delivered? Yeah.

Speaker 181 Are they done drive-by style?

Speaker 214 What do you order, Tony?

Speaker 177 Fucking.

Speaker 77 You know me.

Speaker 70 Sausage right up my ass.

Speaker 183 Organic.

Speaker 148 As long as it's organic.

Speaker 9 Hell yeah.

Speaker 38 No condom.

Speaker 82 So, David, how's life been going?

Speaker 117 You've been on the road, you've been traveling around.

Speaker 112 Yes, sir.

Speaker 214 Got a lot of tour days for 2025. Me and you got some exciting stuff coming up.
Yep. so you will be seeing a lot of stuff from me and Tony in 2025.
I can't wait for the world to see that.

Speaker 215 Yep,

Speaker 214 yeah, just touring, doing shows.

Speaker 177 Thank you for everybody who has supported.

Speaker 156 We love you, David.

Speaker 103 You're a fucking monster, an absolute beast.

Speaker 177 Thank you, man. I appreciate it.

Speaker 57 Make some fucking noise for the great and powerful David Lucas.

Speaker 15 You might as well

Speaker 15 My man one more time for David everybody again

Speaker 15 Hall of Famer legend and speaking of legends Let's just go back to back chaos before we get back to this bucket you guys want back to back chaos

Speaker 71 I Present to you here to grace us with his presence.

Speaker 15 It's unbelievable just like the undertaker being here.

Speaker 15 This is so surreal for a fucking young punk like myself that fucking started when I was younger thinking who knows where this can go here to do an appearance on this show ladies and gentlemen the first comedian to ever sell out an arena one of the greatest of all time I present to you this is indeed the return of Andrew Dice Clay

Speaker 159 You know what, Tony?

Speaker 159 You know what? I should have, I mean,

Speaker 159 number one, let's hear for Tony Henchcliffe. He's unreal.

Speaker 159 But, you know, and I know it's New Year's Eve.

Speaker 159 I mean, I saw the Undertaker.

Speaker 120 I fucked them.

Speaker 159 But the thing is this, Tony,

Speaker 159 I am a little upset.

Speaker 159 I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because

Speaker 159 you know when you carry something, you know, Joe, when something's bothering you?

Speaker 159 And I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my chest, it's really going to bother me, and I won't be able to do anything for you, because

Speaker 159 I'm getting ready for the show, right?

Speaker 159 And I tell her all the time, because I follow a list.

Speaker 159 I put things like fingerless gloves I stole from Dick's Sporting Goods.

Speaker 13 Check.

Speaker 159 And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the list, but she makes a noise. And I come over and I tell her, as nice as you, shut up.

Speaker 159 I go back to the list,

Speaker 159 shoes by Ferre Regamo.

Speaker 159 She makes another noise

Speaker 159 it gets a little more severe i'm telling you the truth you know i feel like an asshole but i come over and i go you know shut the up

Speaker 159 i mean you understand if somebody said that to you you would understand it right

Speaker 159 she makes another noise

Speaker 159 and i'm just gonna out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside and I've been sitting backstage for a while.

Speaker 151 And

Speaker 159 I come over to her and

Speaker 159 with one hand

Speaker 159 I'm just I can't lie I just can't do it and

Speaker 159 and with one hand I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall this piece of shit

Speaker 159 and I bash her on the fucking ground And now she's in fucking pieces.

Speaker 159 You know, I got Alexa during the pandemical.

Speaker 159 And everything was beautiful back then. I don't know, I'd come out of the room in the morning, I'd go, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio.
Come fly with me. Let's fly.

Speaker 219 Let's fly away.

Speaker 53 Thank you.

Speaker 159 Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes.

Speaker 53 Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Speaker 159 Alexa, what's the weather like outside? Oh, it's sunny with a few clouds in the sky.

Speaker 159 And about eight months ago, it starts, right? I come out, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. She starts playing some fucking rock and roll.
She ate,

Speaker 159 Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes.

Speaker 217 Nothing.

Speaker 159 Tell him in the shower. 20 minutes later, and she starts beep beep beep beep hoping I slip and break my fucking hip

Speaker 31 what

Speaker 159 why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys

Speaker 159 I know that would have never been a problem Anthony play Frank Sinatra radio come fly with me let's fly let's fly away Anthony set the coffee timer for five minutes Dice you only gotta tell me one fucking time

Speaker 159 I'm not fucking Alexa me and you were the same. Go take your fucking shower and if you want to know the weather look out the fucking window.

Speaker 159 And here we are fucking New Year's Eve. This is the night.
Let me tell you, this is one load at a time, fellas.

Speaker 159 Everybody gets to shoot their moose juice. all over you tonight.

Speaker 159 That's what it's all about. And tonight, it's not just about a quick bang.
It's about being a fucking mechanic.

Speaker 3 Walk around the bed, pal.

Speaker 159 Take a good look at her and what she's wearing. Be a mechanic.
Move the tongue to the side. Nice, beefy clam chops between her legs.

Speaker 159 You get on missionary.

Speaker 120 Why?

Speaker 159 Why would you get on missionary? Just to break a sweat.

Speaker 159 Loosen the back muscles, the back of your legs, get on your toes, dig in a little.

Speaker 159 Now, when you break a sweat, you grab her by her ankle, pull it to the edge of the bed, catty corner. It's the best fucking workout in the world.

Speaker 159 You're doing the screwdriver, you're working your shoulders, your tries, your bi's. It's incredible.
Now you're going to do your fucking squats. Hold on to that fucking ankle.

Speaker 159 But on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink lip lagoon.

Speaker 159 On the sixth time down, my friend, you missed the pink lip lagoon, and your tongue goes in a whole other area.

Speaker 159 And when your tongue goes in her

Speaker 9 asshole,

Speaker 159 by the way, the asshole they used to hide from us with extra long pussy hairs. And today they take it to the salon, they get it bleached out, buffed out, put a little studded fucking earring in there.

Speaker 159 So when your tongue goes in there, what does the chick do?

Speaker 161 They all look to the left.

Speaker 3 They're all like,

Speaker 159 did he do what I think he just did?

Speaker 159 And then the show begins. As putty, ass, putty.

Speaker 120 Tit, tit, tit, ankle, putty, putty, putty, ass,

Speaker 10 ass.

Speaker 159 Like you're honking a horn.

Speaker 198 As,

Speaker 112 as.

Speaker 159 Then you pick up the tempo. As, putty, ass, putty, ass, putty.

Speaker 53 Tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit,

Speaker 159 putty

Speaker 45 and I learned all of that

Speaker 159 from all of my mom's best fucking friends

Speaker 159 and that's where you are on New Year's Eve

Speaker 159 I just

Speaker 159 I just came out

Speaker 159 And I heard when you yelled that out. I heard it.
But I don't know if these people would know the mother goose stuff. So

Speaker 159 you know

Speaker 159 I'm not I'm not gonna stand up here unless I really hear that you fucking know this

Speaker 159 Little Miss Moffat sat on a tuffet

Speaker 120 eating her curds and whey.

Speaker 159 Long came a spidey, sat down beside. He said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?

Speaker 32 Oh!

Speaker 159 Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with 250.

Speaker 32 Oh!

Speaker 53 Little boy blue, he needed the money. Iggage.

Speaker 159 Hickory dickory dock, this chick was sucking my cock. The clock struck two, I dropped my goo, I dumped a bitch on the next block.

Speaker 10 Oh!

Speaker 159 Oh, mother hubby went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone. She bent over,

Speaker 159 Rover took over.

Speaker 159 Oh, she got a bone of her own.

Speaker 53 You've been a great crowd.

Speaker 154 God bless.

Speaker 159 Happy fucking New Year's. I love you, Austin.
Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 15 I love you. Good night.

Speaker 15 Andrew

Speaker 15 Dice

Speaker 15 Clay, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 You are in it. The vortex of fucking chaos that is Kill Tony in its hometown in an arena.

Speaker 15 You guys having fucking fun tonight or what?

Speaker 15 We're going back to the bucket. Somebody has to follow the first comedian that ever did an arena straight out of a bucket.
Could be you.

Speaker 15 One minute uninterrupted to the seventh bucket pull of the night that goes by the name of Cameron Altman, everybody. Cameron Altman.

Speaker 15 Make some noise for Cameron, everybody.

Speaker 178 What's up, Austin?

Speaker 44 So, denying the Holocaust is like denying OJ did the crime. It's kind of like denying Sleepy Joe's a pedo.

Speaker 44 So, the left says Hitler's coming to power this year.

Speaker 120 Hitler?

Speaker 44 Ugh, if that's the case, I may need to borrow somebody's attic.

Speaker 44 I don't feel like writing a diary, so all it's really gonna say is we didn't learn shit from our history. Give them a circus, and none shall revolt.

Speaker 206 Welcome to the circus, folks.

Speaker 19 I guess so.

Speaker 44 Anyways,

Speaker 24 sorry.

Speaker 158 So,

Speaker 135 eat the rich, everybody's saying.

Speaker 44 I'd go down on a lonely old widow for a chance at owning a house in this economy.

Speaker 89 Okay, I'm going to save you immediately.

Speaker 36 Cameron, Cameron Altman, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 170 How are you?

Speaker 14 Doing well, Tony.

Speaker 117 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 168 A couple months now.

Speaker 144 Okay, all of it here in Austin?

Speaker 137 No, in Denver, actually.

Speaker 78 Okay, well, welcome from Denver.

Speaker 76 Is that where you're originally from?

Speaker 44 No, I'm originally from Oklahoma.

Speaker 141 For those of you listening,

Speaker 69 there is nothing this guy can do more to be hated by this audience.

Speaker 89 I'm trying my best.

Speaker 14 No, Oklahoma sucks.

Speaker 44 It's a bunch of pedophiles.

Speaker 156 You're doing a good job.

Speaker 59 Keep trying.

Speaker 29 Take a step.

Speaker 36 Literally.

Speaker 87 Cameron, take a step forward.

Speaker 56 Look out at those people and tell them why Oklahoma sucks.

Speaker 44 Oklahoma sucks because there's a bunch of meth addicts that touch children.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 6 Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma?

Speaker 63 They hate Oklahoma.

Speaker 14 Do they like touching children?

Speaker 48 No.

Speaker 219 What did Ghost say?

Speaker 97 Okay, Red Band. Thank you.

Speaker 124 It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay.

Speaker 125 People do say that.

Speaker 35 That's fair.

Speaker 144 It is, especially when you don't have material and your eyes are closer than Clinton and Epstein.

Speaker 20 Look at those fucking things.

Speaker 63 Your eyes are almost touching.

Speaker 44 Traumatic brain gingeria, too.

Speaker 20 My brother threw a rock at my head.

Speaker 60 Oh my god.

Speaker 205 All right, the crowd isn't.

Speaker 89 I want to say now.

Speaker 149 Cameron, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 71 I'm going to save you. You don't need to.
Oh, Jesus, to just hit him between the eyes.

Speaker 29 It's impossible to hit him between the eyes.

Speaker 103 So keep going.

Speaker 120 Do we have a replay of him?

Speaker 186 I'm not afraid of anything anymore. All right.

Speaker 6 All right.

Speaker 75 I'm calling for a slow-mo replay of that book hitting him.

Speaker 90 I'm wondering how long it'll take.

Speaker 71 Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 22 Where is it at here?

Speaker 71 Here it's going to come.

Speaker 11 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 57 Give it to me one more time, Anthony. It's just too good.

Speaker 121 Oh, look at this.

Speaker 71 We happen to have the production team from the UFC here, so I can literally...

Speaker 152 Oh, yeah, right.

Speaker 147 Oh my god.

Speaker 121 Wow, that is incredible.

Speaker 11 I mean,

Speaker 99 his fingers weren't even close.

Speaker 73 The throat is incredibly accurate, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 181 Oh, and look at the reaction time.

Speaker 76 That is a true traumatic brain injury.

Speaker 73 He blinks seconds after it hits him.

Speaker 90 Oh, and he tried to catch the rebound.

Speaker 142 Not even close.

Speaker 117 Wow, ladies and gentlemen, we might be the first arena show ever to watch the cause of a suicide happen in real time.

Speaker 161 He's going to be back.

Speaker 34 He's going to make it. This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him and he was like, fuck you, I'm going to take over.

Speaker 34 That guy's going to get some jokes and he's going to be back.

Speaker 69 He could end up being the best comedian of all time.

Speaker 120 Suck up his booze.

Speaker 35 I don't care.

Speaker 154 I'm strong.

Speaker 127 Boo away, fat man from Oklahoma.

Speaker 116 I can't believe I missed that whole thing.

Speaker 135 I was peeing and I just heard a wave of booze.

Speaker 125 I couldn't explain to you what happened if I tried.

Speaker 6 It's a haunted house.

Speaker 116 That was nuts.

Speaker 108 I'm going to change the tone of this room yet again, everybody.

Speaker 162 Don't worry, you booing

Speaker 72 people.

Speaker 82 This is a very emotional audience.

Speaker 187 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a freak of nature that makes writing and performing a new minute look like a casual fucking putting butter on your toast in the morning.

Speaker 15 I present to you one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him.
This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everyone.

Speaker 15 You can get louder than that.

Speaker 19 Can y'all tell I ran out of material yet?

Speaker 165 Nigga, I ain't got shit to say.

Speaker 213 I say this.

Speaker 179 I just learned how to do that backstage, and I thought that was going to be pretty fucking funny if I could have pulled it off. But it would have been cool to do that in like 19, like 32.

Speaker 163 You take over a whole fucking town, nigga.

Speaker 35 Like, this nigga's a witch and a nigga.

Speaker 201 What's

Speaker 55 the fuck going on here, man?

Speaker 179 I tell you this. I

Speaker 120 fuck Barack Obama, nigga.

Speaker 163 Not for the reasons you think, brother.

Speaker 179 That nigga was too happy. No, I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, even the president of the United States.

Speaker 179 And I was like, what is that?

Speaker 179 And then she said he made the rules for the country. And Cam, you could even be the first black president of the United States.

Speaker 179 And then when I was in third grade in 2008, Barack Obama became the first black president. And that fucked nigga took my dreams from me.

Speaker 179 And I sold crap the next day all right that's it I'm done

Speaker 103 I love that what the fuck I think that's a great fucking joke that's one of my favorite jokes that's that's a great joke all right whatever you say brother I'll bet that bitch stressing like a motherfucker Tony

Speaker 171 I ain't have shit I'm like this water thing on the only thing I have right now I swear to God you're getting in your own head that's what happens you have it almost worked Were you using a netcom?

Speaker 24 What happened there?

Speaker 179 It was a magnet. It was supposed to to be magic, nigga.
I was doing magic.

Speaker 138 Cam, I'm just curious. Huh?

Speaker 3 What was supposed to happen with the upside-down cup?

Speaker 163 It was supposed to stay like that.

Speaker 135 And then what? And then that was it.

Speaker 120 Oh, okay. Well.

Speaker 179 I did that same thing in Boston, and they loved it, but they dumb. So it's...

Speaker 20 You did what?

Speaker 6 The water trick?

Speaker 120 Oh, they fucking lost their minds in Boston.

Speaker 133 You don't like that?

Speaker 163 No, what?

Speaker 163 The water trick? Yeah. I love the water trick.

Speaker 63 You love the water trick. It's pretty.

Speaker 129 I just learned that shit in Boston.

Speaker 179 It was dope.

Speaker 116 I've never seen a black person in Boston.

Speaker 76 Like, here you go, black man.

Speaker 65 We're gonna teach you some tricks.

Speaker 155 It's a water cup.

Speaker 90 We have a replay of it.

Speaker 134 Let's see the replay of your what you consider your lowest moment in comedy history.

Speaker 205 Very proud, right there.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 83 with a look of absolute shock.

Speaker 116 The sheer surprise that it didn't work.

Speaker 172 Wow.

Speaker 10 I was so confident in it.

Speaker 145 I can't believe it.

Speaker 179 Not gonna hold you. Listen, real shit, it was easy.
I was gonna do that. I was gonna come in and just start jerking for like two minutes, nigga.
That was it.

Speaker 6 That's all I had.

Speaker 116 I can't wait for the next bucket pull to get electrocuted because your horseshit magic trick didn't work.

Speaker 141 I'm telling you, the Obama joke is good.

Speaker 179 Man, that shit is terrible, nigga.

Speaker 163 Why?

Speaker 179 It just not good. It don't got no beats to it.
It's not good. It's not good as it.
We'll figure it out. Fuck it.

Speaker 102 Decide.

Speaker 136 I think it was good.

Speaker 28 It was all good. It's good.
Trust me. It's good.

Speaker 28 It's good.

Speaker 48 The people love you.

Speaker 102 I hate it.

Speaker 71 Cam's getting in his head.

Speaker 77 This is what happens when you fucking make it and you're selling out shows and it's continuous and you have to write a new minute every week.

Speaker 122 I mean, again, that is a job that none of your favorite comedians, none of them, none of them that you think in the world that are the best, none of them want to put out a new minute every single week on the fucking internet.

Speaker 61 None of them. Trust me, I promise.

Speaker 57 Ask them when you see them.

Speaker 143 Ask them why they don't do it. Just for free, just for you.

Speaker 6 Hey, why don't you put out a minute for me every week?

Speaker 89 I've stand-up.

Speaker 97 They won't. They don't.

Speaker 109 Because it's scary as fuck.

Speaker 81 It's frightening.

Speaker 143 And you can't do it.

Speaker 97 They can't come up with one minute.

Speaker 79 So imagine having to do it every week.

Speaker 74 Anyway, there he is. As you can tell by how hard he's sweating, it's not an easy job.

Speaker 78 And plus you have typical making it black eye problems.

Speaker 101 Your entourage gets bigger every week.

Speaker 29 It's a real thing.

Speaker 116 Your hair keeps getting bigger and your sweatpants keep getting tighter.

Speaker 63 No, my sweatpants have been the same side the whole time.

Speaker 163 Sweatpants ain't changed.

Speaker 116 I know, I'm just trying to have fun.

Speaker 34 You do have the biggest entourage of anyone I've met in comedy.

Speaker 63 It's like four people.

Speaker 136 No,

Speaker 34 I was at a gig at the mothership a couple of weeks ago and you had 57 people backstage. Yeah.
You had enough fried chicken to feed a whole neighborhood.

Speaker 10 That was for the whole club.

Speaker 26 I bought a ticket for the whole club. Yeah.

Speaker 120 Everybody's ticket.

Speaker 75 Yeah, but who ate it?

Speaker 120 I ate it. I was there.

Speaker 186 I was the only white guy in the green room hanging out and eating the fried chicken.

Speaker 89 I had a great time.

Speaker 116 I'm surprised you were eating the fried chicken, James.

Speaker 122 Wow. No, it's true.

Speaker 95 You have entourage problems.

Speaker 96 That's a normal thing.

Speaker 161 How many of you think? What's too many?

Speaker 133 Well, it starts with four.

Speaker 80 You always come in with four, and then each one of them invites one, and each one of those people invites two.

Speaker 143 It's a thing. You people don't know about this.
We're going to let you know. See, this is what happened.

Speaker 92 That's what's cool about a show like this.

Speaker 142 You end up watching white artists and black artists have conversations about the culture.

Speaker 127 That's why I only roll with my day one N-words.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 13 You guys?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 73 It's true.

Speaker 87 James is part of Shane's crew.

Speaker 117 Shane's crew never adds people or takes them away.

Speaker 101 They stay strong.

Speaker 34 I was a weird addition because I just showed up at his house.

Speaker 154 I like the Obama thing.

Speaker 72 No, we love the Obama thing.

Speaker 125 We're going to still be the first black president who doesn't really disappoint black people.

Speaker 179 That's going to happen.

Speaker 3 I'm going to disappoint him.

Speaker 161 But Obama also is only half black.

Speaker 116 So you have a shot at being the first full black president.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Oh, that works. Yeah.

Speaker 201 And when you and the cabinet accomplish, as you call it, your four friends, the cabinet's getting bigger all the time yeah that's your entourage right when you're the president yep yeah type shit yep i'm a genius yep which is good it's true

Speaker 34 cam what else is going on same shit running around doing shows shit like that okay hell yeah everything's good everything great all right when i met my dad my dad was happier to meet cam patterson than anyone i've ever met And he ran up and gave you a hug, and you were so nice to my daddy.

Speaker 137 You're cool people, man.

Speaker 35 And then my dad was like, all right, that's done. Where's Heidi?

Speaker 126 I want to meet Heidi as quickly as possible.

Speaker 143 Anything else, Cam?

Speaker 139 Everybody loves you.

Speaker 221 I don't know what's going on tonight.

Speaker 121 I'm good.

Speaker 187 I'm happy.

Speaker 125 Cam, the only way to get this back is to find a better piece of paper and make that magic trick work properly.

Speaker 35 The people demand to see good magic.

Speaker 125 Cam, will you do it again with the beer?

Speaker 34 You can do it this time, Cam.

Speaker 128 I believe in you.

Speaker 57 And you know what? Not only are we going to do that, can you bring the horse girl up here?

Speaker 59 We have a young lady named Sarah Sloane, who I made a promise to many months ago on the show.

Speaker 71 She can do the greatest horse impression you've ever heard.

Speaker 57 I didn't know when I was going to use her or how I was going to use her tonight, but I've decided she's going to make her famous horse noise right now while Cam does the magic trick with a brand new fresh bottle of water

Speaker 69 and what appears to be, yeah, some cardboard.

Speaker 29 We need to get you a paper bone. Come over here.

Speaker 152 Okay, yep, you're good.

Speaker 16 Cam, that's going to fail again.

Speaker 35 Can we use this?

Speaker 58 Wait, what is that? Just normal.

Speaker 120 Are those my papers?

Speaker 63 That's your papers.

Speaker 125 I just grabbed that from...

Speaker 103 Yeah, I'm sorry. What is that?

Speaker 163 No, what do you need? Cardboard?

Speaker 21 What is that?

Speaker 41 I've never even seen this trick trick before.

Speaker 34 Cam, you need to believe in yourself.

Speaker 187 That's the secret.

Speaker 112 All right.

Speaker 29 There's no way this is going to work.

Speaker 138 Make the horse noise.

Speaker 57 And ladies and gentlemen, you're witnessing it.

Speaker 146 This is...

Speaker 56 The absolute stupidest comedy show of all time.

Speaker 138 Make the horse noise one more time.

Speaker 15 Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

Speaker 139 Let's do a replay of the water with one more horse noise.

Speaker 138 The horse noise, how about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody?

Speaker 152 One more replay.

Speaker 57 Watch the monitors while you do it, Sarah.

Speaker 71 Do a horse noise with the when it drops.

Speaker 100 Here we go.

Speaker 97 And

Speaker 37 so dumb.

Speaker 78 Unbelievable.

Speaker 156 How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody?

Speaker 34 All of a sudden, we're doing 90s Conan.

Speaker 63 This is great.

Speaker 15 Oh my god, I can't believe we're gonna win an Emmy for this episode, by the way.

Speaker 15 How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Speaker 29 Oh shit.

Speaker 15 She's mopping. Can you believe this?

Speaker 15 All right.

Speaker 15 Back to the bucket we go. You guys want another bucket, pull?

Speaker 15 All right.

Speaker 15 Ooh, this is a very fun name. Make some noise for Daisy Hart, everybody.
Daisy Hart is next.

Speaker 15 Could be the first person to win a golden ticket in an arena. Could be the first regular maiden arena.
Here she is. Anyway, Daisy Hart.

Speaker 222 What the fuck is up, Texas?

Speaker 53 Happy New Year's.

Speaker 53 Woo!

Speaker 14 Guys, I'm Daisy Hart.

Speaker 222 I've been hearing everyone's been calling me Daisy Heartless lately.

Speaker 183 I'm like, ah,

Speaker 222 I'm sorry, boys.

Speaker 222 You gotta be at least this tall to ride the ride.

Speaker 192 Fuck you guys.

Speaker 89 Y'all, I'm from a sundown town.

Speaker 222 If y'all don't know what a sundown town is, they have a sign that says if you're brown, turn around.

Speaker 44 I thought that meant if you're brown, turn around,

Speaker 8 you know.

Speaker 222 Hey, whatever, guys. Fuck y'all.
Y'all could be jealous. I am new to comedy, though.

Speaker 192 I hear you gotta eat a lot of dicks to be good at comedy.

Speaker 98 So,

Speaker 98 y'all can start calling me little kamikaze.

Speaker 222 It's hard to be this bad

Speaker 29 Daisy

Speaker 102 They're yelling so much welcome Daisy how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 222 Uh, it's been almost nine months nine months all of you here in Austin. Yeah, my first time was with you so on killtony?

Speaker 47 Yeah, okay, how's it been going?

Speaker 222 It's been going good.

Speaker 103 How did it feel tonight?

Speaker 222 I mean, I was a little scared of this crowd. H-E-B is always heavy on the booing.

Speaker 92 I think they were scared of you as well.

Speaker 29 I mean, they should be.

Speaker 192 I got a pretty big package, you know.

Speaker 90 What do you mean?

Speaker 8 You know,

Speaker 52 I carry a big dick on me usually.

Speaker 127 What do you mean?

Speaker 222 I mean, it's this big. This is big enough to put a lot of the guys in town to shame.
So it's all good.

Speaker 120 Okay.

Speaker 71 Daisy, I'm going to give you this little joke book.

Speaker 104 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 119 I at least did it.

Speaker 20 All right.

Speaker 70 There she goes, Daisy Hart, everybody.

Speaker 120 This is a real show, people.

Speaker 15 There goes Daisy Hart. She's gonna go vote for Kamala one more time.

Speaker 36 I'm gonna save us all again.

Speaker 15 I can't help myself tonight. It's just highs and lows, baby.
Highs and lows. I'm gonna bring up an ice-cold evil legend.

Speaker 37 A guy that I've been watching close shows forever.

Speaker 15 Whether it be the main room of the comedy store or the back of the mothership, I'm sitting back there. Every set is different.

Speaker 67 I present to you the return of of your favorite comedians.

Speaker 204 Favorite comedian.

Speaker 15 This is Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 15 You guys better get louder than that for the legend Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 159 I just cut Daisy down. She was trying to hang herself backstage.

Speaker 159 Somebody go check on that bitch.

Speaker 159 Ain't it great when women try to do men shit?

Speaker 159 Fuck raising a family, you know, being a member of the community.

Speaker 159 Stay in your lane, bitch. Learn how to cook.

Speaker 159 I'm not too happy with the panel. Trump is going to get this Australian.
He's the first fucking immigrant that's going to get the fuck out of the country.

Speaker 159 Oh, did I hurt some of your feelings?

Speaker 159 Fuck Bob Dylan.

Speaker 159 Playing all that silly love songs.

Speaker 159 I was in a toxic relationship.

Speaker 24 How long?

Speaker 159 18 months? Why did it take you so long to figure out you were in a toxic relationship?

Speaker 159 Was it when he had his hands wrapped around your fucking throat?

Speaker 159 Guys know how to get rid of guys quick. We know when guys are dangerous.

Speaker 9 We get away from them real quick.

Speaker 159 What's wrong with you bitches?

Speaker 159 You can't sense danger.

Speaker 159 What was it when he pushed you out of that slow-moving fucking car near the lake?

Speaker 159 When he spilt his beer in your face in front of your parents?

Speaker 159 Kill yourself!

Speaker 54 Kill yourself!

Speaker 53 Happy New Year!

Speaker 53 It's a brand new year!

Speaker 159 Tell all your friends, tell all your people people you know,

Speaker 159 stop with the feelings. We don't give a fuck about your feelings.

Speaker 159 I hope everybody got what they wanted for Christmas.

Speaker 213 And Kwanzaa.

Speaker 159 And Hanukkah.

Speaker 159 And ISIS.

Speaker 159 You want to decorate the tree or cut somebody's fucking head off?

Speaker 159 Yeah, some are laughing, some can't, because you're fucked.

Speaker 159 I didn't do it too well. I got those gift cards again.

Speaker 159 Give me the fucking cash. Give me the cash.

Speaker 10 What happens if I want to buy a cock ring?

Speaker 220 Am I going to find out a target?

Speaker 220 Give me that fucking cash

Speaker 159 Here's a gift card. Why don't you just shit in my hand

Speaker 53 Shit in my hand

Speaker 190 Give me the cash what happens if I want to buy a fucking asshole extender, you know

Speaker 159 Could you see me at Target trying to get an asshole expander

Speaker 159 Well, it looks like a reversed egg beater and it has keys on it and you crank it, and it makes your asshole larger.

Speaker 120 Do you have it?

Speaker 53 Oh, who's not laughing at that, stupid ass?

Speaker 159 I got New Year's resolutions, too. I'm not lifting up the fucking toilet seat with my piss.

Speaker 159 I got a prostate problem. I'm not going up and down with the fucking toilet seat.

Speaker 159 Bitch, turn around and see where that seat is.

Speaker 53 And if there's piss on it,

Speaker 50 be a girl and wipe the fucking urine off.

Speaker 159 If I hear you need to lift a seat once more, I'm going to rip the fucking seats out of the whole house.

Speaker 159 I told my mother, I'm taking the fucking toilet seats out of the house.

Speaker 159 It's going to be like the Philippines. No toilet seats.

Speaker 159 My New Year's resolution. I'm not putting my shopping cart away.

Speaker 159 Fuck you.

Speaker 159 You should be happy I'm shopping at this fucking store.

Speaker 159 So all you people care about is putting shopping carts away. Fuck yourself.

Speaker 190 I'll put it away.

Speaker 159 I put it right in the intersection of the parking lot

Speaker 159 and wait for the woman to just drive up and say, and sit there.

Speaker 159 They want to send women to the moon.

Speaker 159 What are they going to do? Get up there and complain?

Speaker 159 It's too cold. It's too hot.

Speaker 159 Where are they going to find women to go to the moon? They're all busy playing fucking soccer.

Speaker 159 It's a brand new year.

Speaker 159 It's a brand new start, a clean slate. Just be happy and not

Speaker 180 have any feelings.

Speaker 159 We don't give a fuck about your feelings

Speaker 159 Feelings go up and down feelings you know feelings are like a fart

Speaker 159 Once you fart you don't miss that fart

Speaker 159 Well, maybe I didn't explain that quite right

Speaker 159 I'm not used to playing a whole fucking town

Speaker 159 But it's a new it's a brand new year. It's it's I'm I'm optimistic about it

Speaker 159 I'm very optimistic about it. I'm even more optimistic about remembering what I was gonna say up here

Speaker 159 Hey, shut your motherfucking mouth

Speaker 159 Throw him out throw that motherfucker down

Speaker 159 Kill Tony, kill him, kill him.

Speaker 159 You probably voted for that fucking Harris bitch.

Speaker 159 I hope Trump, Trump, Trump, when he gets in office, he's going to kill everybody in the country.

Speaker 159 You know, what was his name? Gravedigger?

Speaker 136 What was how dare you?

Speaker 159 The big guy.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 159 Yeah, I fucked him.

Speaker 190 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 156 Brian Holtzman, everybody.

Speaker 15 A legendary set.

Speaker 15 Make some noise for him, everybody.

Speaker 110 The great, the powerful Brian Holtzman is back.

Speaker 212 Let's go back-to-back chaos. You guys like back-to-back chaos?

Speaker 59 Let's do it.

Speaker 165 I present to you another

Speaker 22 one of the greatest regulars in this show's history.

Speaker 15 A man who needs no introduction at all, but I'm giving it to him anyway in the way of saying that this man will indeed be a citizen of the United States

Speaker 15 of America,

Speaker 15 this

Speaker 15 is the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 15 Hey, hey

Speaker 15 Bam

Speaker 203 Check this shit out, huh? You like this?

Speaker 203 I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks.

Speaker 203 Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full?

Speaker 137 But he sees Hitler walking, he's like, ah!

Speaker 161 I've always been flexible.

Speaker 178 And when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get

Speaker 203 is, can you?

Speaker 30 suck your own dick

Speaker 97 now we've all tried

Speaker 30 Every guy here even before you could read you are like

Speaker 183 infinite energy

Speaker 111 a self-sustaining unit

Speaker 176 And I gotta tell you I'm pretty close I can

Speaker 120 I can like tongue the tip like

Speaker 112 I can like clean myself off, you know?

Speaker 175 Get some of that cheese.

Speaker 161 Oh yeah, I've tasted my own calm, fuck you, it's delicious.

Speaker 178 I love when women are like, cum is disgusting.

Speaker 221 You bitches do know that what you have down there ain't no creme brulee either.

Speaker 203 At least my shit has protein and the future

Speaker 178 come is disgusting is a pretty pretentious thing to say when I have a mouthful of piss huh

Speaker 72 I was telling my friend John that I'm pretty close And my friend John literally looks me in the eyes and he goes, Ari,

Speaker 203 that's because you're doing it wrong.

Speaker 178 The way you're supposed to do it is you go on your back and you throw your legs over your head

Speaker 203 and now you let gravity

Speaker 98 like a fucking oil rig

Speaker 221 and I was like John I'm not gonna do that

Speaker 120 Because what if my fucking roommate walks in

Speaker 161 at least with this when he walks in I get to be like lol tried it you know

Speaker 203 but if you walk in and I'm full Richard Simmons

Speaker 154 getting physics involved

Speaker 178 that's at least a conversation

Speaker 161 thank you very much thank you

Speaker 174 very fun set very relatable we've all absolutely been there.

Speaker 81 We've all tried many different ways to suck our own dicks.

Speaker 117 A little fun fact, you know, this show's gone a long time.

Speaker 58 I don't really ever go backwards.

Speaker 78 I'm not one to reminisce, but Red Man did remind me of the time in which he insisted that he could suck his own dick.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 103 And he said,

Speaker 80 Yeah, we did it on the show.

Speaker 90 I couldn't believe it, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 120 How close were you?

Speaker 92 Well, a fun fact is he took your second approach.

Speaker 99 He took the on-the-shoulders, fuck yourself.

Speaker 168 I did it actually on stage.

Speaker 120 His hips.

Speaker 175 That was before I ate like pumpkins and stuff like that.

Speaker 161 That's what I was wondering.

Speaker 116 I used to be able to touch the tip of it.

Speaker 59 He wasn't even close, by the way.

Speaker 140 It was like 17 inches away.

Speaker 185 I used to be able to do it, but it was just like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 76 You think you could do it right now?

Speaker 6 How many of you think Red Pitch should try it right now?

Speaker 26 How many of you say?

Speaker 145 This is the biggest moment.

Speaker 63 This has been the biggest year of his life.

Speaker 6 Two minutes in Madison Square Garden the LA Forum the YouTube theater resorts oh shit

Speaker 15 the undeniable

Speaker 19 co-creator of the Joe Rogan experience

Speaker 12 I will show you how much fatter I am the co-host of Kiltoni is about to go to the middle of the stage and second zone death

Speaker 36 Oh, Anthony, get all the cameras ready for this shit.

Speaker 147 Oh

Speaker 147 god.

Speaker 57 Again, we're gonna need a yardstick to measure. He's cracking his back.
He's doing some stretches that he's never done before.

Speaker 66 There is dust coming out of his loins right now.

Speaker 140 The man is made of.

Speaker 54 Oh my god.

Speaker 145 Wait, you gotta do better than that, Rippin.

Speaker 72 It wasn't even kind of.

Speaker 72 This is a new.

Speaker 178 You're literally just laying on your back. That's all you're doing.

Speaker 12 He's got the comedian's cheering for him

Speaker 6 Suck your own fucking cock

Speaker 64 Come on stop being a f ⁇ ing suck your cock

Speaker 6 What happened?

Speaker 6 Whippies

Speaker 124 That was unbelievable That's frankly the best that could have gone for all of us, I think.

Speaker 178 Also, by the way, Brian's ass cracked a lot cleaner than I expected.

Speaker 120 He wipes. He once.

Speaker 90 He's good at that.

Speaker 143 He smells better than you would think, and his ass is cleaner than you would think.

Speaker 83 Ari, how's it going?

Speaker 203 Good. I got this fucking t-shirt.

Speaker 35 Check this out.

Speaker 203 Boom, security unit.

Speaker 91 Uh-oh. I stole it from Walmart.

Speaker 111 What are you going to do?

Speaker 203 Shoot me.

Speaker 35 See this shit?

Speaker 170 What is that?

Speaker 203 I mean, yeah, and the security, and the thing went off. Beep, beep, beep.
The security guy just looked at me like,

Speaker 120 wow.

Speaker 203 What a pleasure to be white in this country, huh?

Speaker 29 That is amazing.

Speaker 63 That's a chip clip.

Speaker 139 Was that the only thing you stole?

Speaker 164 Yeah.

Speaker 203 I mean, it was actually, I was buying a PlayStation controller, and it was way overpriced than in the website, and I make my own little math, you know? Hell yeah.

Speaker 203 If you fuck me on the price, I'll get it back.

Speaker 81 Absolutely.

Speaker 98 I have my own little Robin Hood in my head.

Speaker 41 Absolutely. Little Estonian Robin Hood.

Speaker 37 Does Estonia have like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, fucking like legendary stuff that they've made?

Speaker 167 What do you mean?

Speaker 92 Is there like a Disney of Estonia?

Speaker 68 Is there like a green?

Speaker 112 No. I mean, we haven't had a lot of time.

Speaker 112 We were born in 1991.

Speaker 112 Give us some time, Tony.

Speaker 3 I'm working on it, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 203 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 116 I mean, it's 34 years at this point. You could have come up with something.

Speaker 120 What have you done?

Speaker 164 I don't have to do shit.

Speaker 116 I'm from the United States.

Speaker 124 You've got a cool flag?

Speaker 24 Oh.

Speaker 203 Only the comedians, yeah.

Speaker 89 Yeah, the comedians are getting wild. They're starting to realize.

Speaker 97 Okay.

Speaker 111 Here we go.

Speaker 205 Okay.

Speaker 185 Actually, maybe we are one of the more conservative podcasts.

Speaker 34 Guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia.

Speaker 161 You could pick on a big, cool country.

Speaker 120 How many people?

Speaker 120 Fuck Australia. We're a real country.

Speaker 116 If there was another big, cool country aside from us, we'd fucking pick on it.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 165 What's happening with those drones over New Jersey?

Speaker 34 Fucking China getting up in your face?

Speaker 34 You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down, but you're just taking it like a cock.

Speaker 36 What are you doing in New Jersey, America?

Speaker 92 They were smart to pick New Jersey.

Speaker 77 That's a great point. If that was Texas, we never would have heard that fucking news so far.

Speaker 98 Got him.

Speaker 77 That would have been the first drone.

Speaker 102 All right, Ari.

Speaker 163 You did it again.

Speaker 203 Thank you so much, Tony. Thank you, Brian.

Speaker 57 Let's go.

Speaker 58 We're doing the damn thing.

Speaker 203 Thank you, Tony family. Bye.

Speaker 57 This show's running fucking long.

Speaker 15 So, I mean, I don't know, back-to-back-to-back chaos.

Speaker 15 There's only one thing we can really do at this point. Because, believe it or not, that's as fucking powerful as a comedy show gets.

Speaker 71 Three and a half hours of insanity.

Speaker 15 And now you've earned the final level. I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances.
The Hall of Famer Famer with the most interviews. Whatever you do, you do not want to leave.

Speaker 15 There's fun stuff happening as I present to you

Speaker 15 the Round Rock Robin,

Speaker 15 the HEB

Speaker 15 Wasp.

Speaker 15 This is the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine. Lights out

Speaker 15 William

Speaker 15 Montgomery.

Speaker 9 My new year's resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters.

Speaker 53 Oh, hell no.

Speaker 190 That's my impression of what the United Healthcare vice president said when they told him he was being promoted to CEO.

Speaker 190 We don't give a fuck about that healthcare bullshit.

Speaker 199 Country singer Brad Paisley's wife had a damaged vocal cord that prevented her from speaking for two years.

Speaker 159 And I'm just trying to figure out how lucky is that fucking guy?

Speaker 54 Y'all know that bitch be talking.

Speaker 213 I feel like I've tried every drug and then someone brings up poppers the other day and I forgot about that one.

Speaker 125 Hey, Red Band, what are those like again?

Speaker 199 It's like a gay drug. I'm insinuating Red Band is gay.

Speaker 159 Okay, let's keep her moving. You look pretty gay on the fucking ground just a minute ago.

Speaker 190 Holy shit,

Speaker 213 you're way more flexible than I thought you would be.

Speaker 190 I just realized the animated cartoon Scooby-Doo, Where Are You, has a laugh track?

Speaker 199 Apparently, Scooby-Doo was drawn in front of a live studio audience.

Speaker 159 Okay, that's my time, Townet.

Speaker 59 I couldn't have said it better myself

Speaker 147 The red goat

Speaker 36 the ginger

Speaker 173 giant William Montgomery

Speaker 153 It's almost new year

Speaker 199 We are living the fucking American dream out here, William and I think I would like to know I did come here with four guns in my fucking trunk tonight I'm staying at the La Quinta Inn right down the street if anybody wants to come James is coming okay

Speaker 90 you always go all out for all these big shows you were dressed up real nice last night there was an unbelievable outfit tonight an unbelievable outfit is that the new year's baby This I am the New Year's baby, Tony.

Speaker 199 I am actually going to, last night I was talking about, look at all these people that don't like the New Year's baby.

Speaker 190 It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here?

Speaker 190 It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here for some of these fucking people?

Speaker 108 Tony, last night you were an Asian woman in a kimono.

Speaker 141 And a hat, as we see up there.

Speaker 100 You look beautiful looking at yourself right now.

Speaker 11 For Kawanda.

Speaker 199 My sash was falling. But yeah, Tony, it is so nice to be here.

Speaker 189 Looking forward to 2025.

Speaker 189 It's on this year.

Speaker 82 What are you looking forward to in 2025?

Speaker 199 Well, Tony, I'm actually quitting comedy. I'm kind of sick of it now, and I'm going to start working on a train, a locomotive.

Speaker 30 I'm literally put in the paperwork a couple of days ago, Tony.

Speaker 182 Why? What?

Speaker 8 Yeah, I'm going to work at a locomotive.

Speaker 127 I don't know.

Speaker 199 A lot of people don't know this kind of behind-the-scenes stuff. Red Band has been really mean to me recently.

Speaker 189 I'm gonna work on a fucking train, dude. I'm done with this.

Speaker 108 That means you're gonna quit stand-up comedy.

Speaker 199 Wait, Tony, I was just kidding. I never

Speaker 172 going

Speaker 172 to stop.

Speaker 59 You know what I want to do?

Speaker 150 I want you to stay up here.

Speaker 59 I want to bring up all the regulars and all the golden ticket winners, if I can, that were on earlier.

Speaker 76 And I want to bring up one more person.

Speaker 63 One of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin, one of the big reasons why I moved to Austin is because I already had friends here.

Speaker 108 Ron White, Joe Rogan, had recently moved here, and one of my longest friends, long-term friends that I've had in Austin, huge comedy fan, and one of the best musicians in the world.

Speaker 108 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring up Austin's own Gary Clark Jr.

Speaker 15 And let's get out of here with a a fucking rock song. Let's all sing it together.
We're still an hour 15 away from midnight, so I figure we'll do a fucking rock and roll song with the man himself,

Speaker 15 guest of Kill Tony,

Speaker 15 the man.

Speaker 15 Make some fucking noise for Martin Phillips, Liz Splatt, Uncle Lazer, Aaron Belial, Casey Rocket, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Brian

Speaker 15 Drew Nickens is here, Valerie Vaughn, Andrew Dice Clay,

Speaker 7 Sarah Sloan Heidi is here.

Speaker 15 What a fucking crew

Speaker 15 Austin makes some fucking noise.

Speaker 15 Here come all flat top, he calm. Grooving up slowly, he got Jude.
You have all he wants. Holy roller, he got head

Speaker 15 down

Speaker 15 to

Speaker 15 his knee.

Speaker 15 Got to be a joker,

Speaker 15 just do what it pleases, yeah.

Speaker 15 He wear no shoes shine.

Speaker 15 Bottle cracker, he says. Morning, morning, and on

Speaker 15 yesterday,

Speaker 15 he got to be alone.

Speaker 15 Cause he looked like me.

Speaker 15 Could come to yesterday.

Speaker 15 right now

Speaker 15 over me

Speaker 15 to worry about the one God

Speaker 15 Come together

Speaker 15 right

Speaker 15 now

Speaker 15 Over me

Speaker 15 Last time, last time last time

Speaker 15 Come together

Speaker 15 right now

Speaker 15 Make some fucking noise with a great parable on this floor. Get a fight, man.

Speaker 15 Shingle you, everybody.

Speaker 15 Appreciate it, buddy, homie.

Speaker 15 And in normal tradition, as we go on, we're gonna show you the next arena that we're going to go for sale.

Speaker 15 Here, roll that video, Anthony. We love you.

Speaker 15 Thank you.

Speaker 15 Love you.

Speaker 15 And tonight, April 5th, the largest arena in Kiltoni history will be

Speaker 15 Nashville, Tennessee, baby.

Speaker 15 We'll see you guys there.

Speaker 15 Gary Clinton Jr.

Speaker 15 Joe DeRosa,

Speaker 15 James McKinnon, William Montgomery,

Speaker 15 the joints from Ryan J. Evo and Chris Rogers are in.
Let's see them.

Speaker 15 Did you guys have fun tonight?

Speaker 15 One more time for Gary Clark Jr. John Deans, market stake.

Speaker 15 Unbelievable drawings from Chris Rogers and Ryan J. E.
Both. The next show said Nashville goes on sale January 3rd, I think, at 9 a.m.
Nashville Austin time.

Speaker 15 You guys gonna fucking party tonight?

Speaker 15 Welcome to Austin, Texas.

Speaker 15 The greatest city in the world in the greatest country on planet Earth.

Speaker 15 USA.

Speaker 15 USA.

Speaker 15 Yogi Christie, Notorious Productions, Anthony Bryan, TJ, fucking everybody, Austin, Texas. We love you guys so much.

Speaker 15 Thank you.

Speaker 15 God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys.
Thank you. Good night.

Speaker 33 Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other. When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

Speaker 33 When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping. Oh, come on.
They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Speaker 33 Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool. Whatever.

Speaker 33 You were made to outdo your holidays. We were made to help organize the competition.
Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 223 The Mercedes-Benz dream days are back with offers on vehicles like the 2025 E-Class, C-L-E Coupe, C-Class, and EQE sedan. Hurry in now through July 31st.

Speaker 47 Visit your local authorized dealer or learn more at mbusa.com/slash dream.