#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 6 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates Detroit Atlantic City Niagara Falls Mount Pleasant Michigan West Valley City aka Salt Lake City Utah Reno Nevada Anaheim California and Las Vegas Nevada tickets for sale now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show especially me all tickets are at tonyhinchcliffe.com right now

Speaker 12 That's where we are.

Speaker 14 Hey, this is Redman coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 13 Get a foot, Tony.

Speaker 16 That's great!

Speaker 17 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 17 Brian Redman. Hey, everybody.

Speaker 18 The best damn band in the land, everybody.

Speaker 22 Raú Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 25 The

Speaker 28 mutilating Matt Muelling on the electric guitar

Speaker 32 John Dees on the keys and that is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar ladies and gentlemen wow

Speaker 28 the energy in here feels great before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible

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Speaker 44 Yo, this is important, man.

Speaker 44 My favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're pacebreakers, the ones with all the pockets.

Speaker 44 Well, I just got back from vacation, and I think I left them in my hotel room. And dude, I need to replace these shorts.
I wear them like every day with that Lulu hoodie you got me.

Speaker 44 Could you send me the link to where you got them? Thanks, bro. Talk soon.

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Speaker 47 Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Speaker 50 This is Kill Tony brought to you by Nick Tack.

Speaker 31 nicotine pouches and zip recruiter every single week I have one or two or three of the best possible guests I look at it like a chemistry set I know all these people I know who goes well together and how to mix it tonight's two guest panel is one of the greatest comedians of all time and also a guy who's returning back into the comedy business after a very long hiatus so what a perfect panel ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the greats.

Speaker 59 Make some fucking noise for Jim Norton and Tony Caruso.

Speaker 64 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 65 Jim Norton.

Speaker 63 Tony Caruso.

Speaker 63 First time on Kill Cody.

Speaker 63 Wow.

Speaker 24 Welcome.

Speaker 66 Jim Norton is back, the only comedian to be on both Madison Square Garden episodes.

Speaker 69 Absolutely crushing.

Speaker 5 One of our favorite guests of all time.

Speaker 70 Thank you.

Speaker 71 He's been on the show in LA, multiple times in Austin, in Las Vegas.

Speaker 55 Jim Norton, one of the best comedians in the world.

Speaker 72 Jim Norton Can't Save You is available everywhere.

Speaker 11 It's a brand new show.

Speaker 59 And joining the panel for the very first

Speaker 76 time ever in the show's entire history

Speaker 33 Tony Caruso ladies and gentlemen now

Speaker 77 Tony

Speaker 18 Wow, they really love you.

Speaker 22 I don't know how it's I don't know what that was.

Speaker 78 I don't know what that was.

Speaker 2 I never shot a gun in my life.

Speaker 28 It seems like

Speaker 80 on a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun.

Speaker 82 You have a giant

Speaker 55 a giant approval from the audience, and many of them don't know anything about you.

Speaker 27 You are making a return into stand-up comedy.

Speaker 86 You took a 20-year hiatus when your wife passed away.

Speaker 80 A 20-year hiatus. My wife died RIP.
I found out through text. She had cancer or HPV or some shit.
Whatever.

Speaker 50 The bitch is dead.

Speaker 80 So I'm trying to get my life back on track. Good to see you, Red Man.
What do you brush your teeth with nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here, but

Speaker 80 But no, I'm a big fan of the show and you know Keltoni is a show to launch careers They launched a lot of people is Hans Kim, you know, who by the way is who's about to star in the all-Asian reboot of the sand lot Hans Kim is.

Speaker 80 He's going to play Squints. He's going to be called

Speaker 80 the Sand Rot, if you're an Asian guy.

Speaker 20 All right, I'm warming up here.

Speaker 80 Tony, if you're here, who's haunting the abandoned carnival down the street, huh?

Speaker 64 I'm warming up here. We're having a good time.

Speaker 80 But I'm a big fan of Kill Tony.

Speaker 50 I've been watching the show on YouTube.

Speaker 80 I've been watching you on Facebook. I got Twitter.
I got X.

Speaker 80 I got something.

Speaker 64 I got something on my cock right now.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 88 Hit me, hit me. Hit me one more time.

Speaker 80 It was too hard.

Speaker 56 I got a pacemaker.

Speaker 90 I forgot what it was was called, but he is.

Speaker 59 He's been making his return into standing.

Speaker 46 Trying to get back into it.

Speaker 79 Trying to get back on the wagon.

Speaker 51 He's been opening up for the great Hall of Fame Kill Tony member, Adam Ray, all over the road.

Speaker 50 Doing some shows for him.

Speaker 69 So you can get tickets to see Tony Caruso at adamraycomedy.com.

Speaker 95 It is incredible.

Speaker 33 You've been doing some work with Dr.

Speaker 96 Phil, I hear.

Speaker 97 You're friends with Dr. Phil.

Speaker 5 Friends with DP, yeah.

Speaker 28 Yeah, TP.

Speaker 80 Friends with DP. Yeah, we call him DP.
But, you know, DP has got several meanings. So double pen A, double penetration.

Speaker 46 I'm just warming up here. I'm just warming up.

Speaker 62 Just warming up.

Speaker 80 But Tony, it's good to see you.

Speaker 98 You look good. Thank you so much.

Speaker 80 You look like a vampire that only bites people with AIDS.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 88 Come on, hit me, boy.

Speaker 64 A little late. A little late.

Speaker 96 I invite you to the show, and this is how you treat me.

Speaker 78 I'll just try to warm up.

Speaker 46 Okay, you're on the show, right?

Speaker 78 You're big.

Speaker 80 Look at that fat fuck.

Speaker 99 Okay, well, I mean, she's.

Speaker 80 I watch your show. I watch your show.

Speaker 46 I love your show.

Speaker 28 I love it. Big fan.
Okay, all right.

Speaker 55 Good lord almighty.

Speaker 28 So Tony.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay.

Speaker 48 So, Tony, you know how this show works.

Speaker 31 Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to be here.

Speaker 100 I pull their name out of the bucket.

Speaker 48 They get 60 seconds.

Speaker 31 You know, their time is up, and you have the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 72 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear.

Speaker 31 Which interrupts them, and then I ask them a bunch of questions.

Speaker 62 We find out more about them, and

Speaker 10 everything is improvised.

Speaker 102 Anything can happen.

Speaker 47 Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Speaker 91 Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian performing tonight while we go wrangle your first bucket pool is a guy who's been on the show only one other time in Las Vegas, Nevada at Skank Fest.

Speaker 31 He was my favorite comedian on the episode. And I told him that when he arrives to Austin, Texas for his first time, that he gets an automatic spot on this show.

Speaker 10 This is that show.

Speaker 59 This is that moment.

Speaker 46 ladies and gentlemen your first comedian 60 seconds uninterrupted for the second time ever appearance of Peter Angelo everybody here we go it's Peter Angelo

Speaker 107 what's going on guys what's going on

Speaker 107 who here likes rough sex

Speaker 107 who here likes rough sex with men

Speaker 107 just me all right cool

Speaker 107 Yeah, I fuck a lot of dudes. It's weird.

Speaker 108 I get it.

Speaker 99 I look like this, but like I do.

Speaker 107 I enjoy rough sex, but the problem is I date guys who are like way smaller than me. And people think I date, I do that to throw them around like it's cirque d'Sole.

Speaker 107 That's not the case. I want them to be the dominant one.
Let them be in charge. But like for rough sex to be hot, there's got to be that element of danger.
I don't feel like I'm in danger.

Speaker 107 The average weight of the guys I sleep with is 150 pounds. I weigh 320.
They can't even get their hands around my neck. For me to feel like they were in charge, I had to give them a weapon.

Speaker 107 And I'm not sucking dick at gunpoint.

Speaker 107 Again.

Speaker 107 It's a great family reunion.

Speaker 107 You think the natural solution is I'd be the dominant one. You know, I'd be in charge.

Speaker 111 But like, I'm afraid I'm so much bigger, I'm going to kill them.

Speaker 107 And now I'm like gay Lenny from of Mice and Men.

Speaker 107 Like, I didn't mean to kill the Twink Boy, George.

Speaker 112 I just wanted to pet his butt.

Speaker 17 Thanks, guys. I'm Peter Angelo.

Speaker 49 Peter Angelo.

Speaker 17 second ever time on the show.

Speaker 18 Famously the

Speaker 72 least gay looking gay man ever in the show's history.

Speaker 33 Jim, you ever see anything like this before?

Speaker 90 I have.

Speaker 108 I've seen you before. Yeah, and I enjoy you very much.

Speaker 27 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 108 But you do seem more like a top.

Speaker 73 I'm not saying that.

Speaker 108 I'm not disappointed. I'm just saying you seem like a top.

Speaker 107 Yeah, everyone seems to be disappointed by it. I don't get it.

Speaker 28 That's fine.

Speaker 107 All right.

Speaker 107 Yeah, but like I was for a long time, and then, you know, I got bored.

Speaker 90 I was like, all right, let them do the work.

Speaker 108 But that material is like, like, people are going to think you're gay.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 108 It has been a drawback.

Speaker 107 Like, not many ladies coming around now, no.

Speaker 80 When you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on?

Speaker 50 Like, is it gay?

Speaker 80 You go, all right, like, I like butt stuff.

Speaker 109 Yeah, you got to rip them off. Yeah, rip them right off.

Speaker 107 Pants off, sleeves off, gone.

Speaker 4 All right, that's all I got.

Speaker 17 Absolutely.

Speaker 60 Peter, remind us all, where do you live again?

Speaker 107 I live in New York City right now.

Speaker 113 How long have you lived in New York?

Speaker 107 About three years.

Speaker 31 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 107 I was a truck driver. Now it's comedy.
Yeah, I was a, thank you, lady.

Speaker 108 But now I teach people to throw axes.

Speaker 15 Oh, wow.

Speaker 115 I'm an axe.

Speaker 116 Straight jobs.

Speaker 68 Even your jobs are straight.

Speaker 3 I drive trucks and I teach people to throw axes and I take dicks in my butt.

Speaker 26 Like, it doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 28 That's a great impression of a woman.

Speaker 118 It's incredible.

Speaker 108 It is incredible. He throws the axes at vaginas.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 119 Not another one.

Speaker 28 God damn it. Get away from me.
Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 32 Larry the cable gay.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Yep.

Speaker 21 Get him done.

Speaker 91 Have you always been gay? How old were you when you knew you were gay?

Speaker 107 I was a teenager, I would say. Teenager, and just.

Speaker 76 Was there a moment? Is there something that happens? Are you like, look at your pornomag and you're like, me, just like Dick, or something like that

Speaker 107 I think so honestly you know the internet was coming around I just started typing in gay and just wanted to check it out yeah I was like maybe this is for me what was the first thing you saw that you were like oh I how do I get to do that you know it's a butthole yeah so

Speaker 124 he saw and he wanted to do that yeah

Speaker 107 a feminine man and I was like all right yes that and then just moved on from there.

Speaker 80 How do you, how do you, and then how do you, well, you go to your parents and you go, hey, how do I get to more buttholes in my life?

Speaker 125 When did you?

Speaker 107 My dad was like, become a trucker, truck stops.

Speaker 56 There you go.

Speaker 67 When did your parents find out you were gay?

Speaker 29 How did they know? When do you think they caught on?

Speaker 107 I'm not sure because I would say not till I told them they weren't positive. My brother knew right away because he kept taking my computer before I could erase the search history.

Speaker 46 Oh, shit.

Speaker 80 Your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick before my account got hacked.

Speaker 46 What the fuck is that black guy fucking that other black guy for?

Speaker 29 And your brother let you know that he knows.

Speaker 95 he had yeah he didn't did he keep it a secret yeah he did he didn't he didn't care at all he didn't bother

Speaker 108 I like how vague you were with your searches too like just gay

Speaker 80 there's a cock I'll look at it I don't care we'll figure it out yeah it was yeah what should we have just started I don't know

Speaker 108 do you remember the first time you blew a guy yeah

Speaker 108 where was it yeah tell us about it

Speaker 70 paint the picture for us

Speaker 15 stone cold like

Speaker 107 what a way to kick off the show

Speaker 107 I was at my house. I invited someone over.
I thought he was, I had an inkling he was also gay.

Speaker 46 And I was

Speaker 46 the

Speaker 28 fucking airplane.

Speaker 50 I don't know anyone who doesn't look like me.

Speaker 28 Right.

Speaker 107 Most people I think are gay.

Speaker 21 He's over at your house.

Speaker 25 Hoping.

Speaker 107 It was like, oh, do you want to watch porn?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Put on porn.

Speaker 107 And then, yeah, you're saying what?

Speaker 108 Like a bunch of guys haven't watched porn with their friends and just tried to touch it once. Like,

Speaker 50 no, no, it's just a gay guy thing.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 64 That is what the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 88 Yeah, you don't.

Speaker 88 Fuck that.

Speaker 64 I am not a gay guy.

Speaker 19 I won't even look at a cock.

Speaker 50 It's all good.

Speaker 81 Hey, hey, agree to disagree.

Speaker 94 Agree to disagree.

Speaker 107 And then just like, oh, what is it?

Speaker 108 Did you make a serious move on him, or did you try joking your way into it?

Speaker 3 Joking. I think it was.

Speaker 83 Yeah, that's hard, huh?

Speaker 112 No,

Speaker 112 it was like, you know, hands are hand.

Speaker 107 How you can't tell a duncane a guy's hand and a girl's hand? Like that kind of thing.

Speaker 109 You You held his hand?

Speaker 50 No, stroking his cock.

Speaker 3 That's less gay than holding his hand.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 112 I'm not that gay.

Speaker 126 That's fag shit.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 80 Both of those are t-shirts. I'm not that gay.
That's fag shit.

Speaker 122 A great t-shirt.

Speaker 80 Now, when you touched it, was it, are you still friends with the guy who you jerked? Is he gay too now?

Speaker 28 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 46 That's kind of sweet. Yeah.

Speaker 107 Yeah, we're still friends.

Speaker 90 We reminisce about it.

Speaker 56 Do you really?

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Once in a while.

Speaker 28 We are still friends. It's fine.
Yeah, it's great.

Speaker 26 What's he do for work?

Speaker 50 It's a good question.

Speaker 131 Coding.

Speaker 107 Coding? Yeah, like data shows.

Speaker 56 Coding you with his comp?

Speaker 87 That was funny.

Speaker 59 How's New York City treating you?

Speaker 26 Where did you live before?

Speaker 109 Vegas? No, Connecticut.

Speaker 58 Oh, Connecticut. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 102 And you're in the middle of New York City now?

Speaker 12 What's that like for you?

Speaker 30 What do you do there to have fun?

Speaker 107 A lot of metal concerts, go to raids sometimes. I'm training to be a pro wrestler.

Speaker 28 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Thought confession for you.

Speaker 91 Stone Cold Steve Aidese over here.

Speaker 78 What's your wrestling?

Speaker 134 Hasn't kicked in yet.

Speaker 67 What's your wrestling

Speaker 15 character, yeah?

Speaker 90 It's a Big Doom.

Speaker 53 Wow.

Speaker 109 Yeah. The cock.

Speaker 107 Yeah, and I'm a gay trucker who hates straight people.

Speaker 84 Okay, so it's pretty.

Speaker 28 Pretty much is me.

Speaker 80 Do we get to find out what you're transporting?

Speaker 122 You said you drive trucks, right?

Speaker 80 So what are you taking across state like, what are you taking from like what if you drove a truck are we talking about my character what i actually did as a trucker can i finish my sentence for a second

Speaker 80 are you so what for are you you're a real truck driver i was yeah so you were yeah so what were you driving in the truck if you were taking a truck from like austin to dallas what would be in the truck uh steel pipe yeah

Speaker 87 wow

Speaker 80 was that the name of the guy you were sucking up

Speaker 108 i'm warming up i'm warming up did you mean to haul that or did you say put some pipe in the rear and they went okay and then

Speaker 114 yeah that's better they knew i could handle it yeah you can take a big load.

Speaker 26 Peter, what's something that we would be surprised to know about you?

Speaker 113 There's the fart noise for the episode.

Speaker 138 Out early tonight.

Speaker 29 Seven minutes in.

Speaker 62 Red ban is red banning.

Speaker 48 Before we let you go, something that would surprise us about you.

Speaker 107 I recently just did comedy in China.

Speaker 62 Okay. We're talking about the female wrestler.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 28 Found the most manly woman you could. Have you ever been with a woman?

Speaker 84 Long time ago.

Speaker 12 And tell us about that. What was it like?

Speaker 12 What happens when a gay guy touches a vagina?

Speaker 107 I mean, if you're a bitch, you're like, eh, but I'm like, eh, whatever, let's try it.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 107 But yeah, I met this like punk rock couple as a bisexual guy.

Speaker 99 This is great.

Speaker 107 Is my dad here? No, all right.

Speaker 140 No.

Speaker 46 He was. He was.

Speaker 56 He left.

Speaker 28 Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 3 Like, I had no goddamn idea.

Speaker 28 Jesus Christ, Peter.

Speaker 98 And your brother kept it secret from me?

Speaker 135 Fuck.

Speaker 50 No, he's on Grinder, too.

Speaker 94 He doesn't want to bump into him anymore.

Speaker 107 I met a guy at this party. He was by.
He invited me to

Speaker 107 hook up with him and his girl. So, you know, they started blowing me.
I tried fucking her a little bit. And then he fucked her, and I just fucked him while he fucked her.

Speaker 134 When you say...

Speaker 64 I'm going to need you to write that down.

Speaker 80 I'm sorry, but I was here, then I was here, and then somebody was inside somebody.

Speaker 4 What are you doing in the circle? What the fuck was

Speaker 107 so when you say you tried to her i mean there it is right it's warm it's wet it's a hole explain like what happens and you're just like for me i was just i was like all right i that's enough all right i want i was like all right this i'm i want to i want to him that's why i showed up right you know so right did it feel good though did it turn you on or were you like there's no in here right yeah that's the part i don't get yeah that's exactly right i don't get it because if it's warm and it's moist and it works, and there's like you could the dude's still there, right?

Speaker 4 So it's kind of like I was just wanted to fuck the other person.

Speaker 107 I just wanted to give that's what I was there for, and I decided. I was like, hey, this is fine.

Speaker 107 I'm going onto the asshole now.

Speaker 108 So the guy in the middle, you're fucking him while he fucks his wife. Yeah.
Was he just fucking going, Thank you, you're welcome.

Speaker 46 You're welcome.

Speaker 90 Yeah, it was the weirdest seesaw ever.

Speaker 50 What's his name, Lucky Devil?

Speaker 18 Taketh and giveth.

Speaker 118 Well,

Speaker 86 Peter, you got tonight's episode started with a bang.

Speaker 95 Congratulations. Thank you.

Speaker 21 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 49 Are you in town Thursday?

Speaker 103 Yeah, I'm here all month.

Speaker 17 There you go. You're doing the secret show.

Speaker 129 Oh, awesome, bro.

Speaker 49 Thank you guys so much. Have a great night.
Enjoy the rest of the day. Peter Angelo, his second time ever on this show.

Speaker 17 He was pulled out of the bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Speaker 104 And now, our first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 17 Wow, you know what that sound means.

Speaker 143 Heidi is here, everyone. The lovely Heidi.
Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 47 There she is.

Speaker 34 One more time for Heidi, everyone.

Speaker 143 To the bucket we go.

Speaker 138 Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen.

Speaker 22 We're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 144 This is where we've met all of our regulars all of our golden ticket winners ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night quinn pastura ladies and gentlemen quinn pastura

Speaker 146 that's way too tall for me

Speaker 146 i know what a lot of you guys were thinking you know you heard a val at the end of my name you're like he's italian and you're right unfortunately

Speaker 146 But I know a lot of people know stereotypes about Italians.

Speaker 146 Something like that.

Speaker 146 They always do something like that. And I was talking to a fellow the other day, and he started doing Italian stereotypes.
He started telling me, I was like, oh, what else do you know about Italians?

Speaker 146 Teach me about Italians, you wise man. He goes, well, you know, the first thing I know about Italians is they get really upset about things.

Speaker 27 And I started yelling at him.

Speaker 98 I got fucking pissed. I was like, hey, dude, you can't, we don't get upset about things.

Speaker 28 We get very passionate about things, okay?

Speaker 98 So cool your jets, dude.

Speaker 27 What else do you know about Italians? What the fuck else do you know about Italians?

Speaker 146 And he goes, oh, the other thing I know about Italians is that they're all really good cooks. And I felt like a jackass for inviting this guy to my dinner party.
I swear to God.

Speaker 146 I was cooking for a racist. This is terrible.

Speaker 27 And this is the real kicker.

Speaker 146 He had to bend over about a foot because I'm only five foot six. And he goes, the other thing I know about you little Italian bastards is you're all criminals.

Speaker 146 And I swear to God, I would have cooked this guy's ass if I wasn't a felon.

Speaker 118 Okay, Quinn Pasteura, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 130 He's Italian.

Speaker 55 He's Italian.

Speaker 102 Hi, quinn how are you i'm doing excellent how old are you 26 26 where are you from kentucky okay and are you visiting here you still live in kentucky i live here okay been here for six months how long have you lived six months and what do you do for work i work at a bar over on east sixth okay what do you do at the bar i am a lowly doorman a doorman check ids okay very interesting uh

Speaker 60 and how long have you been doing stand-up about a year and a half a year and a half And you've lived here for six months.

Speaker 54 Yes. You think that's your best minute that you just did?

Speaker 4 I thought so.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 148 Well,

Speaker 108 it's hard.

Speaker 108 Honestly, the business is overrun with Kentucky Italians.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 132 So I'm Italian. I know for a fact Tony Caruso is Italian.

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 10 To Tony. This is an episode of Kill Tonies.

Speaker 106 I found it all

Speaker 147 kind kind of a, let's just say that if it was an Italian dish, it would be a marinara with no garlic, no onion, no seasoning.

Speaker 10 Really just.

Speaker 101 Mashed tomatoes, if you will.

Speaker 146 I mean, I'm German too, so that kind of fits. I guess my German side was coming out.

Speaker 83 Okay, all right.

Speaker 80 Yeah, I would have rather watched a set from Chef Boyard.

Speaker 120 This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Speaker 50 Who was that guy, by the way?

Speaker 80 You know that guy who screamed out doing your shit?

Speaker 78 He was like, oh, yeah, yeah. Who was that guy?

Speaker 122 I couldn't even hear.

Speaker 146 Was there a real Italian in here somewhere?

Speaker 60 There was somebody that immediately heckled you.

Speaker 51 There was a man in the audience that recognized.

Speaker 108 It is hard to believe.

Speaker 115 We always have to be the sound of the audience.

Speaker 130 That's our problem.

Speaker 126 So it was a little slow, I think. A little slow.

Speaker 108 You were a little tentative.

Speaker 108 Next time you might want to come out just a little bit more, get to a punchline a little fast. That's all.

Speaker 147 It's a little quicker if you can.

Speaker 108 You meandered just a bit, but I understand you were getting to it.

Speaker 12 Let's figure out more about you, Quinn.

Speaker 132 Stuff you could talk about, because you're just talking about the most broad of all broad things, which is being Italian, which is hard for even an Italian to talk about.

Speaker 36 Because it's broad, right? It's old. Yeah, we cook.

Speaker 146 Yeah,

Speaker 36 there's some crime, right?

Speaker 121 Try not to get too niche.

Speaker 146 I've been doing Slaughterhouse Five Jokes for the last week, but those haven't been hitting.

Speaker 86 What's that mean? What does that mean?

Speaker 146 It's a book that most of us read in junior of high school, but

Speaker 146 that's why I kind of had to stop doing it because a lot of people, I figured out, didn't do it. I didn't do it either.
I just read it last week.

Speaker 80 What's the plot of the slaughterhouse?

Speaker 146 So it's a crazy. I was a joker.

Speaker 15 I was a joker.

Speaker 89 So Quinn, tell us something about your real life.

Speaker 70 Like, what are you into?

Speaker 51 What are some hobbies, some passions of yours?

Speaker 146 I mean,

Speaker 146 just like every other nerd, I like history. I'm very big into it.

Speaker 146 I was one of the first guys at my university to major in cannabis history. Surprise, surprise, he's a pothead.
It's pretty sick.

Speaker 146 I did my whole research project on the Emerald triangle and like the boom and bus cycle in it i got to do some really cool interviews and explore up there and then there's some like wacko taco bullshit that i think you guys know about like the carthaginians and stuff the what the carthaginians oh this is like a deep dive we had to do a deep dive you guys want to hear some shit no we're all right but um yeah we did

Speaker 80 but uh you smoke weed yep yeah how much uh how much weed do you smoke a day like and what do you do do you work while you're high or uh usually not yeah it's just kind of a a nighttime thing or what?

Speaker 98 Yeah, typically.

Speaker 80 Have you had a really bad trip on pot? Like, any fun stories there?

Speaker 146 There's one show around here. It's called.

Speaker 146 Can I tag another show? Am I allowed to do that?

Speaker 28 Well, I don't know. Come on.

Speaker 56 Say something funny before you start promoting things.

Speaker 117 I get two fucking crazy shout outs to all my projects.

Speaker 27 No, I was just saying I got too high there all the time because you make it too high.

Speaker 146 And every time I do it, just like, now I'm like, should I move to Austin? Am I freaking out? That's my favorite thing about pot.

Speaker 121 I could smoke smoke it.

Speaker 146 You know, I used to smoke it all the time. I could tell myself, I'm not an addict.
I was an addict. It was unfortunate.

Speaker 108 Talk to me about the Carthaginians. I want to know what the Carthaginians are and if we have disagreeable theories on them.

Speaker 3 Okay, so...

Speaker 108 I think they were all fat homosexual truckers.

Speaker 21 That actually, no, that.

Speaker 27 That checks out. They did travel the world.
They did do trade.

Speaker 4 They came to North America. I think so.

Speaker 47 What's the trashiest thing you ever saw in all your years in Kentucky?

Speaker 146 The trashiest thing I've ever seen in all my years.

Speaker 35 You were in Kentucky.

Speaker 31 You know what it is.

Speaker 153 Yeah.

Speaker 151 What was it?

Speaker 28 Anything?

Speaker 108 Yes.

Speaker 4 I don't know. There's a lot.

Speaker 146 I live next to a Greyhound station, so there's like a constant amount of cars going on and out of there.

Speaker 146 That was pretty tough. I saw my dad's car go in there once.

Speaker 48 You saw your dad's cargo in where?

Speaker 146 The Greyhound station.

Speaker 90 Uh-huh. Are there buses or dogs?

Speaker 134 Well, there was...

Speaker 118 A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head.

Speaker 34 This interview is so rough.

Speaker 82 This guy just fucking...

Speaker 71 This is rough, Quinn.

Speaker 95 Did someone in Kentucky tell you that you're funny and that you should move to Austin?

Speaker 55 I said the scariest part.

Speaker 74 Oh, God.

Speaker 149 What's the answer? Yes.

Speaker 101 I don't think so. No one did.

Speaker 114 This was your own idea.

Speaker 46 Oh, no.

Speaker 146 People did tell me I was funny, but again, it's Kentucky, and so we don't have good education there.

Speaker 10 Right.

Speaker 45 Right.

Speaker 78 Do you recognize that song?

Speaker 20 I do.

Speaker 129 Yes.

Speaker 93 Your parents white trash?

Speaker 146 They Kentucky trash no they're pretty cool yeah what do they do for work uh my dad he it does accounting for a pressure washing firm so that actually is pretty trap yeah yeah pretty tragic pressure washing he's got his hands full of water and then my mom oh god she does it for a waste management company yeah so that's pressure washing and waste management

Speaker 146 Wow. This was a waste.

Speaker 33 And then you are a door guy on 6th Street.

Speaker 146 I am.

Speaker 122 Did you enjoy going there, though?

Speaker 146 You were there like two weeks ago.

Speaker 28 Oh, you had a stalker, Tony.

Speaker 80 You got a stalker.

Speaker 143 Where was I? Here we go.

Speaker 17 This is what people do when their interviews suck.

Speaker 106 You walked by me. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 134 I wasn't there. I wasn't.

Speaker 3 I don't. I have no.

Speaker 79 Well, what?

Speaker 109 I don't know.

Speaker 146 Maybe you remembered spots that you go. I don't.

Speaker 116 Did you? Maybe I do. I don't know.
What's the name of the place?

Speaker 60 I wasn't at the Liberty.

Speaker 51 You're saying I walked by the Liberty?

Speaker 4 No, no.

Speaker 28 I was doing...

Speaker 80 sound and uh doing a show over at narbar but uh this is like a weird crazy misconnection yeah you were walking by the liberty i was jerking off onto a chip like the craziest tradition when people really really bomb as hard as they can they go i saw you once on the sidewalk you remember

Speaker 46 no

Speaker 73 no

Speaker 146 how would that how would that stand out did somebody tell you i was inside of the bar that you work at yeah um it was you and ari they said they literally like named you they're like hey they were here last night ari shafir yeah there's there's a zero zero percent chance that that happened the liberty okay

Speaker 27 we got it in I mean I didn't see you I was just old so I you're just trying to start a little conversation here.

Speaker 78 Yeah, yeah, and we also landed on the valve nothing else is working

Speaker 22 Unbelievable one of the dumbest things someone can do is just reference you remember

Speaker 27 you weren't even there.

Speaker 130 I know what kind of bar is the liberty It's like a little die bar.

Speaker 114 Oh, okay. Yeah, it's pretty sick.
All right.

Speaker 98 Yeah, it's a good time. What's okay?

Speaker 80 I ask one question before you leave what's the uh what's like the the biggest thing in Kentucky? You go to Koducky. Tony goes back to Katuke.

Speaker 114 There's nothing.

Speaker 75 There's nothing there.

Speaker 146 And I have to go across the river to Cincinnati for there to be something, and there's hardly anything there.

Speaker 114 There you go. Here's a little joke book.
You're going to catch it?

Speaker 17 Quinn pasteura for the love of God.

Speaker 24 What?

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Speaker 35 Ladies and gentlemen, this is very, very exciting.

Speaker 138 I pulled the name out of the bucket of a young man who works here all the time.

Speaker 47 This is very special.

Speaker 7 I have no idea if he's even ever signed up before.

Speaker 29 This is truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 91 I think maybe he's been on this show in LA.

Speaker 124 It's been a long time.

Speaker 7 Either way, you slice it.

Speaker 29 Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known: this is a new minute from Asan Ahmad, everybody.

Speaker 160 Make some noise for Assan, everybody.

Speaker 161 So, Israel and Palestine

Speaker 161 just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them.

Speaker 161 The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which take the context of everything that happened outside of it away, that does sound like a great day with the boys.

Speaker 162 You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in the cave, just Abdul, get the paragliders.

Speaker 19 Holy shit, Abdul, it's working.

Speaker 16 It's working.

Speaker 161 Just two flags on your paraglider, one Palestinian, the other says Saturdays are for the boys.

Speaker 163 You know, just fucking

Speaker 162 committing a terrorist attack to a rave to techno.

Speaker 164 Just dig it, dig it, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad.

Speaker 161 That was Sandstorm by Darude, in case you missed it.

Speaker 164 I don't know if you guys.

Speaker 46 I've been a son of Mod.

Speaker 129 Asana Mod.

Speaker 165 Oh

Speaker 34 my God.

Speaker 45 Wow.

Speaker 29 Coming up here, cleaning up after a fucking bore of Kentucky.

Speaker 46 Holy shit.

Speaker 162 You know what's funny?

Speaker 161 He was talking about the Liberty, and I was like, Tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shafir the night of the picture.

Speaker 28 Wait.

Speaker 151 No, it wasn't.

Speaker 18 No, it wasn't. You're being funny.

Speaker 17 That was not it.

Speaker 21 That was one of them.

Speaker 154 That was the white horse.

Speaker 50 No, the picture was that white horse.

Speaker 154 No, Liberty's West.

Speaker 46 We went east.

Speaker 13 Okay, okay. I thought I thought.

Speaker 30 Liberty's East.

Speaker 20 Oh, okay. Maybe we...

Speaker 24 We were on a bar crawl.

Speaker 17 That's what Ari wanted to do.

Speaker 85 Which fucking one was the Liberty?

Speaker 120 I have no idea, but I know that's one of the.

Speaker 46 Let's get the Liberty real quick.

Speaker 34 There's no way.

Speaker 84 Isn't the Liberty fucking West?

Speaker 99 It's East.

Speaker 79 I was there?

Speaker 87 Fuck.

Speaker 160 The poor guy. I'm like, fuck you.

Speaker 22 You're not funny. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 21 Oh, it's definitely just blatantly east.

Speaker 21 Same street, but that way.

Speaker 154 It is literally just five minutes just due east on 6th Street.

Speaker 129 Same side of the road.

Speaker 56 My location is still there.

Speaker 134 I'm still at the Liberty.

Speaker 50 There's a blue dot.

Speaker 96 Holy shit, the poor guy.

Speaker 19 The poor guy.

Speaker 32 Well, now he's going to be a hero.

Speaker 46 Quinn, I can just hear the internet.

Speaker 98 Quinn, your comedy sucked, but dude, you got Tony good.

Speaker 98 You're geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony Adgecliffe.

Speaker 52 Ari Shafir absolutely insisted that to celebrate his

Speaker 96 special release on Netflix, he wanted to go east and do a shot and a drink at every single.

Speaker 10 Did I talk about this last week?

Speaker 28 Yes, we literally talked about it. Yeah,

Speaker 144 and fucking, God,

Speaker 151 that was one of those nights.

Speaker 149 Yes.

Speaker 100 Asan, you were along with us and we had a blast.

Speaker 46 Yeah, he was right. Yeah, he was right.

Speaker 34 It ended up working out.

Speaker 108 You're so funny, man. That fucking making that stuff funny,

Speaker 108 that is fucking great. Really? It's so odd.
I love the angle you took. To hear a Jews say that in the U.S.

Speaker 16 Community.

Speaker 80 Hamazil Tub is going to be my new catchphrase.

Speaker 78 We go Habsies on it, but that's great.

Speaker 50 You're pretty good. You can have it.
It's yours.

Speaker 115 You're a letter.

Speaker 46 You guys heard it.

Speaker 81 It was really funny.

Speaker 80 You're very sharp. You're very quick.
I like the pace. Yeah, it's great.

Speaker 61 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 31 Assan, always killing it.

Speaker 57 Always

Speaker 59 part of the actual scene here.

Speaker 147 I mean, the equivalent to like a high-level comedy store

Speaker 147 paid regular. You are the equivalent to here.

Speaker 100 One of the first people from LA to move here with your homie and podcast co-host, Derek Poston, who we all love.

Speaker 34 You've actually been the one-man panel on an episode in 2022.

Speaker 161 I've been on the panel three times, but I had this Israel-Palestine joke, and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it.

Speaker 46 I'll sign up for Kill Tony and see what happens.

Speaker 31 I love it when my buddies sign up for the show and are lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 62 Happened with Matt Edgar a few weeks ago, and now you.

Speaker 60 What else is going on in life, Hassan?

Speaker 138 What have you been learning?

Speaker 60 You're kind of like, how long you been doing this?

Speaker 81 Ooh, 12 years.

Speaker 36 12 years, and that's at a comedy store level.

Speaker 132 You are a former comedy store door guy.

Speaker 161 I watched, I watched this. I watched it.
I started working when this show was was in the belly room.

Speaker 58 Yep.

Speaker 161 The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing. So I was like, when I get up here, just start the joke.
You only have a minute.

Speaker 161 Why waste the time?

Speaker 36 Exactly.

Speaker 58 You are absolutely correct.

Speaker 80 How does your hair go like that?

Speaker 19 Come on, we're all thinking it.

Speaker 106 Well, you're funny. You're funny.

Speaker 28 You're funny. But like, what the

Speaker 140 middle day is.

Speaker 161 The grace of Allah.

Speaker 29 You got a little fucking Gaza strip right down the middle there.

Speaker 51 That shit is unbelievable.

Speaker 7 Reminds me of the Bar of the Liberty.

Speaker 53 I love it.

Speaker 31 San, what else is going on?

Speaker 97 Tell us something else crazy about your life before we get you out of here.

Speaker 162 I... Huh.

Speaker 55 I mean, I've taken you to your homeland, San Jose,

Speaker 129 right?

Speaker 46 Well, yeah, yeah, not his homeland.

Speaker 161 Sant Jose.

Speaker 35 Hey, I like that.

Speaker 55 And I've met your adorable parents, your tiny, tiny, absolutely adorable little, super tiny Indian parents.

Speaker 74 I mean, they are just the cutest things you've ever seen.

Speaker 161 I do have the most adorable parents.

Speaker 36 They really are.

Speaker 109 You're like a giant compared to them.

Speaker 161 Yeah, I am 5'6, and I'm 6 inches taller than both of them.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 161 I'm the tall guy in my family.

Speaker 108 It's great. They bring you home free chocolate after work every day.

Speaker 31 They are very, very short, yet somehow they are both 7-11 and 9-11.

Speaker 69 Is incredible.

Speaker 143 For those of you that don't know, Ahsan is the new head of the FBI.

Speaker 17 I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to that.

Speaker 161 Watch out, Mexicans. I'm coming.

Speaker 127 That's right.

Speaker 28 That's right.

Speaker 29 It's going to sneak right up on you, people.

Speaker 59 He's brown, too.

Speaker 13 What can Brown do for you?

Speaker 76 Okay, Hassan, so much fun.

Speaker 72 Great stuff, as always.

Speaker 46 I'll fucking see you tomorrow.

Speaker 105 We'll do it again.

Speaker 17 We do stand-up together all the time. One of the best, uh,

Speaker 23 one of the best comedians around.

Speaker 77 Killing it, growing, thriving.

Speaker 143 Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake Kennedy.

Speaker 33 Time for Jake Kennedy.

Speaker 17 Make some noise for Jake, everybody.

Speaker 152 I come from your typical normal-sized family, you know?

Speaker 152 My sister's six-foot, my mom's six-foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me.

Speaker 152 Really stunning my growth growing up.

Speaker 152 Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special. I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp.
Said, mom, I already get bullied.

Speaker 152 You know? So, nevertheless, I went and it's exactly what you guys are thinking. They gather all the little people from all the little villages.
They put them in a ring, and we fight to the death.

Speaker 81 You know, it's a cruel world.

Speaker 152 My girlfriend just dumped me.

Speaker 152 I was talking to a buddy about it and just telling him how, you know, I was coming in between her career goals, you know, and he just looked at me and said, dude, that bitch works at Applebee's.

Speaker 115 Nevertheless, don't call her a bitch.

Speaker 131 She doesn't like that.

Speaker 149 That's my time.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 64 Hell yeah.

Speaker 17 Jake Kennedy, welcome to the show.

Speaker 51 This is your first time on, right?

Speaker 109 Yes, sir.

Speaker 53 Okay, welcome.

Speaker 108 I just, I'm, your son was just out here.

Speaker 3 You were really.

Speaker 27 You are adorable.

Speaker 26 I can't tell whether you're a little person or a huge midget.

Speaker 10 What is the actual deal?

Speaker 152 I know you like to guess.

Speaker 109 What do you think I have?

Speaker 139 Ah, fucking

Speaker 117 that sucksism.

Speaker 3 Downstream.

Speaker 117 What is it?

Speaker 81 I have dwarfism or herpes.

Speaker 152 You can have both. Who you've been talking to?

Speaker 152 No, I have a disease called spondylowepimetaphysial dysplasia.

Speaker 57 Oh my god, tell us what that is exactly.

Speaker 152 In a bunch of words, it's like I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth.

Speaker 3 Whoa.

Speaker 134 So I actually...

Speaker 64 What the fuck, Red Man? What the fuck?

Speaker 80 Literally the worst sound effect you could have played right there.

Speaker 141 It's party time.

Speaker 99 Spiked bones.

Speaker 81 That is a great band name.

Speaker 74 All right, all right.

Speaker 108 Is that really what you have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if you're like a really short mailman that your father hates.

Speaker 98 I don't ask questions.

Speaker 78 How tall are you?

Speaker 2 Like five?

Speaker 150 Five two.

Speaker 109 Five two.

Speaker 4 Wow, five, two.

Speaker 135 What do you dupeity do for a living?

Speaker 124 We've had a guy that loves hanging out in chocolate factories.

Speaker 67 Peter Angelo was on earlier.

Speaker 89 That's an asshole joke, by the way, because he's a fat gay guy.

Speaker 74 All right, back to you.

Speaker 80 You're dressed like a baby swim coach.

Speaker 129 Yeah,

Speaker 56 It is adorable.

Speaker 21 That's a tough cake to get, so that's not an insult.

Speaker 28 Like a $50.

Speaker 158 Very tiny soprano.

Speaker 22 Tiny soprano.

Speaker 68 Forever 21 inches.

Speaker 50 I love this getup.

Speaker 95 You're absolutely a cutie pie.

Speaker 21 This is how people dress teddy bears and shit.

Speaker 108 Up to your chest, king.

Speaker 152 This is the most compliments I've ever gotten, so I want to thank you guys.

Speaker 80 You're taking it and strike. That's a compliment.
Now,

Speaker 80 what do you, so what did you, what are you asking the question?

Speaker 52 I asked the question.

Speaker 4 This fucking guy.

Speaker 47 Ever since you started working with that Dr.

Speaker 50 Phil character, you have this new hostie thing that you tried.

Speaker 78 So, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you?

Speaker 141 We're watching you think about the question.

Speaker 78 All right, all right, I'll pick him up.

Speaker 80 No,

Speaker 80 oh,

Speaker 103 oh,

Speaker 49 he's got spiked bones.

Speaker 63 Be careful.

Speaker 18 Wait a second. Oh, my God.

Speaker 18 Oh, my God.

Speaker 142 I bet you he's heavy.

Speaker 17 I can tell by the look.

Speaker 142 I can tell by the look on Tony Caruso's face.

Speaker 52 This motherfucker's heavier than he thought he'd be.

Speaker 142 That's a fucking dead weight.

Speaker 80 I think I got spike bones.

Speaker 98 Fuck.

Speaker 98 I fucked that up.

Speaker 21 Edit it out, Yoni.

Speaker 117 Two Tonys and a Spike Boney.

Speaker 75 This is a party in here tonight.

Speaker 48 Jake Kennedy, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 152 This is my first time ever, Tony.

Speaker 120 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 49 That's a good first time.

Speaker 103 The goat of the first time.

Speaker 106 How old are you?

Speaker 36 25.

Speaker 86 25 years old.

Speaker 56 Absolutely adorable.

Speaker 138 25 years old.

Speaker 91 I guess the math works.

Speaker 51 He has the body of a 12-year-old and the face of a 40-year-old.

Speaker 154 This is incredible.

Speaker 144 You just got to do the math, divide it by two, figure it out.

Speaker 83 What do you do for work, Jake Kennedy?

Speaker 152 I'm a violinist.

Speaker 29 You're a professional violinist?

Speaker 28 Do you know what? No fucking ways.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 121 No.

Speaker 82 No, he can't reach the notes up there.

Speaker 22 That left hand. He needs a tiny little cello.

Speaker 13 What's the tiniest?

Speaker 51 Even a harmonica is a two-handed adventure for you.

Speaker 12 I cannot picture you.

Speaker 102 You professionally play the violin for a living.

Speaker 26 Where can people see you?

Speaker 28 I work on a pirate ship.

Speaker 19 Hold on.

Speaker 46 Holy. Hold on.
Hold on.

Speaker 137 Hold on.

Speaker 75 I was going to say that.

Speaker 28 You do it. You do it.

Speaker 64 We'll be right back.

Speaker 80 I mean, you're like the movie Jack.

Speaker 80 You ever seen the movie Jack?

Speaker 94 All right. Yeah, this out, Yoni.

Speaker 10 Okay, so when did you start playing the violin?

Speaker 152 When I was 10.

Speaker 150 Wow. And look at you now.

Speaker 51 You make a good living doing that?

Speaker 152 I can sustain myself, kind of. Yeah.
You know.

Speaker 168 Where's this?

Speaker 168 How far is your violin from here right now?

Speaker 152 It's at my house in I'm on East 10th.

Speaker 3 Oh, well, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 64 Keep it in, Yoni.

Speaker 135 Keep it in.

Speaker 137 How far away?

Speaker 89 How many minutes away is it?

Speaker 15 Like 10.

Speaker 152 I have an electric bike, so like 10 minutes.

Speaker 144 Can you hop on your electric bike, go grab your violin, and then we'll close out the episode with a little song

Speaker 49 from Jake Kennedy?

Speaker 49 Is that okay?

Speaker 142 Here, take this on your way. There you go.

Speaker 49 Don't let it crush you.

Speaker 24 Jake Kennedy.

Speaker 18 Hey, you know what?

Speaker 17 You know what? It's only fitting.

Speaker 104 Jesus Christ, Tony, sit the fuck down.

Speaker 138 It's only fitting you get a little joke book, too.

Speaker 49 Jake Kennedy has arrived.

Speaker 18 He will be back in a little bit.

Speaker 169 A very little tiny bit.

Speaker 5 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 25 Jake Kennedy.

Speaker 167 Wow.

Speaker 31 How adorable is Jake Kennedy? I cannot wait to to see him play a tiny little violin later.

Speaker 85 What was this going to be?

Speaker 72 That's like a thing.

Speaker 10 He probably plays the world's smallest violin.

Speaker 73 That's like a figure of speech. We're going to do it tonight.

Speaker 47 He's going to take his little tiny electric scooter.

Speaker 52 And everyone in the city is going to be like, look at that happy little guy.

Speaker 132 What's he so happy about?

Speaker 110 He's out there like a little rubber ducky.

Speaker 102 And he's going to be smiling ear to ear.

Speaker 144 Hopefully he makes it back okay all in one piece.

Speaker 70 He's out there riding around on these streets with spiked bones.

Speaker 95 Taking a chance. He's just out there like a little fucking absolutely adorable thing.

Speaker 80 For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

Speaker 80 That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

Speaker 146 We may need to change that jingle.

Speaker 152 Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 8 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 170 I lit the fuse, and and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 167 He's going the distance.

Speaker 38 He was the highest-paid TV star of all time. When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 8 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show. Now, Charlie's sober.
He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 170 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 8 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 170 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 37 Somebody call action.

Speaker 8 Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 72 All right, let's get back to this bucket and then we'll get a regular up here.

Speaker 48 Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it.

Speaker 138 We're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 59 60 seconds uninterrupted for Frank DeMint.

Speaker 160 Frank DeMint.

Speaker 18 Look at fun bucket pulls tonight.

Speaker 163 Hi, y'all. My name's Frank DeMint.

Speaker 163 I realize I sound like the love child of Barbara Waters and Mike Tyson.

Speaker 163 Something between the bishop on Princess Pride and Barry Cryptia Big Bang Theory.

Speaker 78 And maybe a little bit of Elma Fudd.

Speaker 163 Where's that rascally rabbit?

Speaker 163 My mother, she didn't help me out much. She named my brother Nick.
I can pronounce Nick. She names me Frank.
But it could have been worse.

Speaker 163 It could have been Francis or Francisco, or worse of all, Roy.

Speaker 163 How about if my last name had been O'Wally, Roy O'Wally and his brother Corey?

Speaker 4 What a disaster that would have been.

Speaker 163 Who is the asshole that put the ass in Lisp?

Speaker 163 I think it was Shakespeare, that slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, motherfucker.

Speaker 163 And who's the asshole over at Appa that came up with Siri, huh?

Speaker 163 Bad some pot-haired computer geek thinking of a guy like me saying, Siri, where is Riley White, the real white?

Speaker 28 Siri, where was your brother's womba room and rotisserie?

Speaker 163 Siri, where is Sally C. Shell? She's Jack, motherfucker, motherfucker.

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna cut you off before that bear interrupts you. Frank DeMint has arrived in the Keltoni universe.

Speaker 56 Oh my god, where do I even begin?

Speaker 141 That is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 72 You keep the last comedian in that little pocket on the front of your shirt there.

Speaker 143 As our comedy duo.

Speaker 95 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 61 Frank, I have about two million questions for you right now.

Speaker 61 Let's just get it going.

Speaker 12 First, I want to check and see Jim Norton.

Speaker 53 What do you think?

Speaker 108 I have loved you ever since you threw Mama from the train.

Speaker 4 That's a reference.

Speaker 111 The bitch deserved it.

Speaker 80 Yeah, speaking of mama, you look like the mom from the Goonies. Yeah.

Speaker 80 That's a compliment. That's a great part.

Speaker 93 You look like such a character.

Speaker 62 You're built for comedy.

Speaker 173 How long you been doing it?

Speaker 163 Going on six years.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 46 Where at?

Speaker 83 Where exactly?

Speaker 73 What fucking news?

Speaker 99 Columbus, Ohio.

Speaker 89 Columbus, Ohio.

Speaker 80 Did you ever walk by a bar and see Tony Inchcliffe?

Speaker 56 Very good.

Speaker 116 So, Columbus, Ohio, you still live there?

Speaker 163 I actually live in Kingston, Ohio.

Speaker 99 Oh. Okay.

Speaker 163 Which is about an hour south of Columbus.

Speaker 166 Kingston? Yeah.

Speaker 163 Neil Chillicarthy. I know you're from Youngstown.

Speaker 105 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 114 Oh, gee, I love your delivery system.

Speaker 10 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 30 You're such a likable guy.

Speaker 19 How do you make a living?

Speaker 111 I'm retired currently.

Speaker 56 What are you retired?

Speaker 163 I practiced medicine for 27 years.

Speaker 19 You were a doctor?

Speaker 137 Yes, I was.

Speaker 17 Can you fucking imagine? Wait, can you fucking imagine?

Speaker 16 Wait, are you going to put the major or mug anybody take it?

Speaker 80 Who's coming in and telling you you got to wait?

Speaker 28 to pay for it.

Speaker 50 All right, here's the shade.

Speaker 22 I just got.

Speaker 50 My whole system just got overloaded. I'm so glad you're here, right?

Speaker 98 I love you, Tony.

Speaker 15 Here we go.

Speaker 87 All right, hold on.

Speaker 80 We're the patients.

Speaker 80 You got to tell us that we both got age, okay?

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 80 Red man, hit me with some hospital music.

Speaker 154 There's no real hospital music.

Speaker 81 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 34 All right, very good. Thank you.

Speaker 144 Okay, hello, doctor. Yes,

Speaker 7 we've been waiting for your arrival.

Speaker 46 It's been a long wait, by the way.

Speaker 28 Me and my husband. I know it.
It sucks.

Speaker 35 Oh, God.

Speaker 67 Geez, this is not good.

Speaker 19 This is not good.

Speaker 105 Okay.

Speaker 2 You're a doctor?

Speaker 98 Are you the only doctor? I'm it.

Speaker 88 Yeah, you're fucked.

Speaker 46 Oh, my God. What do we have?

Speaker 28 You have age, motherfucker.

Speaker 165 Oh,

Speaker 34 my God.

Speaker 56 This is will we-willy willey bad news.

Speaker 167 Oh

Speaker 74 my.

Speaker 50 Can you say that to all folks for me?

Speaker 53 All folks for you.

Speaker 94 What?

Speaker 81 Never mind. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 73 Looking to his reference.

Speaker 116 So Frank, you were like a general doctor?

Speaker 83 Yeah, family.

Speaker 73 So you were Dr.

Speaker 60 Frank DeMint.

Speaker 118 That's good.

Speaker 86 Holy shit, that is incredible. Did you always have your hair like that and facial hair?

Speaker 109 Is this more of a retired look?

Speaker 73 Yeah. Were you ever married?

Speaker 111 Do you ever have kids? Married twice.

Speaker 47 Married twice.

Speaker 57 Okay.

Speaker 101 No kids.

Speaker 100 No kids.

Speaker 116 Why do you think that is?

Speaker 91 How do you think you ended up being so lucky to not have kids?

Speaker 73 I don't know. Hopefully I'm infertile.

Speaker 46 That's the hope.

Speaker 86 A guy like you, I would totally have expected you to spread your sheed.

Speaker 28 Spread my seed.

Speaker 32 I love how you roll with everything.

Speaker 100 You have a great sense of humor.

Speaker 26 So six years you've been doing it based out of Columbus, Ohio.

Speaker 31 So you've been doing the funny bone.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 100 Right. And other places.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 86 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 12 What does a retired doctor do for fun?

Speaker 163 Actually, just the comedy is mostly. Let me ask you this.

Speaker 116 You had two wives.

Speaker 132 How did the first one end?

Speaker 60 You cheat on her?

Speaker 53 No.

Speaker 135 Okay, what happened?

Speaker 163 Well, it was one of those things. She was a high school dropout, and I was a college dropout.

Speaker 163 And I grew and she didn't.

Speaker 108 How are you a doctor and a college dropout?

Speaker 28 Well, at the time, I'm not.

Speaker 163 You went at the time. Then I went to college.

Speaker 163 I went to the army and then I went to college.

Speaker 26 What the fuck did you do in the army?

Speaker 4 I was a medical lab tech.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 163 They asked me to go into linguistics, but I said, well, I'm not fucking this language up bad enough.

Speaker 88 You name it a fucking

Speaker 19 other one?

Speaker 48 Always kind of had a speech impediment.

Speaker 46 All my life.

Speaker 84 Where do you think that comes from? How does that happen?

Speaker 175 You were a former doctor. Where do you think?

Speaker 114 How does that even happen?

Speaker 163 I have no idea. I don't know of any trauma, but I understand my father sounded like this, but he grew out of it and I didn't.

Speaker 136 Wow.

Speaker 134 His father hit him.

Speaker 108 And your dad didn't want to do that to you.

Speaker 114 How old are you, Frank?

Speaker 106 66.

Speaker 17 Wow, what a terrible age for a guy with your speech impediment.

Speaker 21 Literally the worst year.

Speaker 15 600 and 66 and

Speaker 104 in six days days I turned seven to seven.

Speaker 94 Jesus Christ Almighty, that thing is aggressive.

Speaker 80 Just lie about your age next time.

Speaker 28 You're 42.

Speaker 106 You're way over 50.

Speaker 80 What is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or like they ask you a question, do you ever get in your head? You go, fuck, I don't want to say that.

Speaker 80 You seem like a pretty confident, fearless guy, which I think.

Speaker 163 Yeah, well, there's sort of three words that people don't understand.

Speaker 111 Full, willed, and whale.

Speaker 22 I have no idea what's going on right now.

Speaker 80 I think you just put a curse on me.

Speaker 19 What the fuck did you just say?

Speaker 50 You say whale, forward, and wet?

Speaker 79 Whale. Whale.

Speaker 163 And the problem is, I like my steak medium whale.

Speaker 46 Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 80 You know, if I were the waiter, I think you would say,

Speaker 80 I heard you say you like your steak medium whale.

Speaker 163 Yeah, that's what they usually say.

Speaker 98 You want that whale done?

Speaker 163 I said, no, I don't want shoe leather. I want it wet in the middle, but that didn't help much either, did it?

Speaker 76 Do you have like a long tongue or something like that? I'm trying to figure this out.

Speaker 163 I don't know, I started eating pushy at the age of 13, though.

Speaker 118 Oh, hell yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 163 And I think my tongue became a little muscle-bound.

Speaker 144 Okay, and did people tell you you were good at it?

Speaker 106 Did the lady, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 46 Okay,

Speaker 108 you can lick it, just don't say it.

Speaker 165 Wow,

Speaker 46 wow, great.

Speaker 80 I'm taking that catchphrase.

Speaker 72 Incredible. So the second marriage, how did that end?

Speaker 50 I cheated on her.

Speaker 28 Oh

Speaker 118 my God.

Speaker 50 Can you look at those women's faces?

Speaker 52 Just like, how the fuck is that possible?

Speaker 80 Wait, please tell me you set her down and you go, so look, you're about to experience a little bit of trauma.

Speaker 80 I've been eating another pussy.

Speaker 99 The goal is always guinea.

Speaker 108 I've been fucking my sweetster.

Speaker 80 Do you have like extra teeth or like is it like what's what's the is it's the tongue thing

Speaker 78 your dad grew out of it.

Speaker 80 How did he grow out of it?

Speaker 163 Most people grow out at this.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 61 So do you think a lot of your patients back in the day

Speaker 76 always got a second opinion?

Speaker 106 Like

Speaker 105 it seems very risky putting their lives in your hands.

Speaker 121 You just being like, your blood was all just not good.

Speaker 121 I think we're not going to start to eat, but

Speaker 62 I mean, it's like incredible.

Speaker 91 It's amazing the life that you had.

Speaker 26 So you saved enough money from being a doctor for how long were you a doctor?

Speaker 173 27 years.

Speaker 28 27

Speaker 80 years. Thank you for your service.

Speaker 17 And you saved enough money to be able to just live your dreams and do whatever you want in comedy, basically.

Speaker 111 More or less.

Speaker 166 You own a house?

Speaker 132 Yes. And you have a car?

Speaker 147 Yes. What kind of car do you have?

Speaker 84 I have a Hyundai Ionyx yeah I'm a cheap bastard okay all right what's the nicest thing you've ever bought for yourself since you I had a Mercedes once oh what ended up happening with that

Speaker 53 I

Speaker 173 I had some economical situations and I had to sell it right and would that be the divorce and I'm glad

Speaker 163 I'm glad I mean it was a pain in the butt it was always expensive to do upkeep on it yes

Speaker 86 yes parts on Mercedes are expensive

Speaker 108 Did you get killed in the divorce? Did you get killed in the divorces

Speaker 136 financially?

Speaker 4 Well, the first one.

Speaker 163 The second one, I have a pre-nup.

Speaker 65 Nothing better.

Speaker 28 Yeah, yeah, you learn, man.

Speaker 118 You learn.

Speaker 100 That pre-nup is critical.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 80 You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I'm serious.

Speaker 80 I would love if you would step in. I don't know what you charge, what your rates are.

Speaker 81 Is it a co-pay, but can I just text you?

Speaker 53 There's a lot of things of like,

Speaker 80 is this bad? Like, there'll be a spot on my cuck, and I'll be like, hey, is this

Speaker 29 anytime?

Speaker 51 You know what I think we should do?

Speaker 60 I think you guys should go behind that curtain.

Speaker 47 I think you should check your process.

Speaker 149 Right now.

Speaker 154 How does that sound, Tony?

Speaker 17 Look at that finger. Do that again.
Look at that.

Speaker 106 All right. Well, I don't know.

Speaker 17 Yeah, get back there.

Speaker 29 And then,

Speaker 144 Tony, if you want to stick your face out of the curtain while he does it, you can feel free to do do that.

Speaker 106 Tony, oh,

Speaker 59 they might be making love by this point.

Speaker 11 I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 72 This may have been a crazy idea.

Speaker 56 Oh, there it is.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 80 Here we go.

Speaker 7 Tony says, whenever you're ready, let's see.

Speaker 52 I think we're probably...

Speaker 46 Oh, okay.

Speaker 118 Okay, come back out, Frank.

Speaker 99 Okay.

Speaker 52 He's so adorable.

Speaker 50 He almost stayed back there.

Speaker 80 I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger on my butt.

Speaker 80 I wish I was joking. I thought that was a bit, but he actually put a finger in between my legs.
Nobody could see him, yet he's still committed to the bit. Give it up for this guy.
That was...

Speaker 64 Wow.

Speaker 49 I'm going to need a new pair of pants and a new doctor.

Speaker 166 Frank, you are a fucking little angel.

Speaker 26 Welcome to the Kiltony universe. You are absolutely going to be loved by the people.

Speaker 72 When you came out, I thought this guy looks silly as hell.

Speaker 142 We're going gonna have a lot of fun talking to him but the comedy is probably not gonna be there and boy you absolutely crushed the room I loved it you are as funny as you look you are as funny as you sound I love how you make fun of yourself and laugh at the jokes welcome welcome come back sign up again

Speaker 17 All different shapes and sizes of people here.

Speaker 142 Absolutely anything can happen.

Speaker 143 We pull names out of a bucket and that is where we find all of our regulars out here changing lives, giving people an opportunity.

Speaker 144 Like your next comedian, who is one of the top regulars in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute.

Speaker 104 This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

Speaker 155 That's the only guy on earth that sounds worse than me.

Speaker 155 That nigga talked it terrible. That was horrible, dog.
And

Speaker 155 I just said talked it. So that's how I feel about it.

Speaker 155 I got a new girlfriend now. It's the dumbest shit I ever did in my life.
Don't woo for that.

Speaker 98 Pretty stupid.

Speaker 155 My girlfriend, she pretty. That's a problem.
I hate that. I only dated ugly girls by design before.

Speaker 155 Because I like ugly women. Because you can mold an ugly bitch.

Speaker 155 So if you want them to be, where they gonna leave you?

Speaker 68 Where you gonna go, doo-doo? you stuck with me forever

Speaker 119 we locked it for life you ugly whore i love you though you feel me cuz a bad bitch she know her worth the ugly bitch not gonna go nowhere i had an ugly bitch one time i miss her so much and we had

Speaker 119 i miss her a lot dog i remember we was all eating food my homeboy and shit with all their girlfriends and shit like that and they had me a little real dude

Speaker 155 But the best thing about it is all my homeboy's girlfriends got their food

Speaker 119 before we did, right?

Speaker 159 And they started eating.

Speaker 119 But my ugly bitch ain't eat.

Speaker 155 She waited till I got my food and then my homeboy was like nigga she well trained

Speaker 155 and i was like yeah and then i found out the boyfriend used to beat her

Speaker 98 thank that man that's her

Speaker 155 that's a good guy i appreciate him for that now listen some of y'all didn't clap or laugh at that you look very sad about that man understand something

Speaker 155 I'm not saying I would have hit her, but I'm thankful that somebody did, right?

Speaker 28 And

Speaker 28 that's my time.

Speaker 21 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 18 Bing, bang, boom.

Speaker 21 Cam Patterson.

Speaker 149 Another new minute and a half.

Speaker 105 Oh, shit. Okay, hell yeah.

Speaker 36 I love it. The full fucking thing.

Speaker 31 You've done it again.

Speaker 36 Not easy to do a new minute every single week.

Speaker 155 This shit tough.

Speaker 36 It really is.

Speaker 98 Shit tough still.

Speaker 33 I hear all the time about,

Speaker 146 you know,

Speaker 36 we're doing stand-up all the other nights of the week, and you hear like, oh, that was just a da-da-da-da.

Speaker 133 Cam had a great set. Cam was here.
Cam was there. Ari's here.

Speaker 36 Ari's there. Everybody's working hard.

Speaker 95 Always writing. It's incredible what we're doing here.

Speaker 133 And to see you do it, it's insane.

Speaker 28 Hell yeah. Yeah,

Speaker 23 hell yeah.

Speaker 18 How's things been going?

Speaker 155 It's been good, man. I've been pretty cool, man.
Shit, been dope. I just did Deion Sanders show on Tubi.
My dad really excited about that. Hell yeah.

Speaker 88 Hell yeah. Primetime?

Speaker 98 Yeah, hell yeah. How was he? It was dope.

Speaker 155 He was cool as shit, man.

Speaker 133 Deion Sanders was the man.

Speaker 155 He's a good dude, man. That's a funny show.

Speaker 126 Is it stand-up or?

Speaker 119 Nah, it's like a talk show.

Speaker 155 It was cool if I ended up being on real TV and shit. They had gave me like makeup.
That felt gay.

Speaker 78 I ain't like that at all.

Speaker 46 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 120 Not gay. Nothing.

Speaker 14 I mean, look, look.

Speaker 135 I'm cool with the gays.

Speaker 46 Look at the

Speaker 46 music.

Speaker 81 Wearing makeup is just

Speaker 81 fine.

Speaker 28 Nah.

Speaker 155 Nah, makeup pretty gay, man.

Speaker 28 Makeup work on you?

Speaker 14 What the fuck that mean, right, man?

Speaker 70 Yeah, what exactly...

Speaker 14 What the fuck does that mean at all, man?

Speaker 91 What exactly did they do?

Speaker 28 Huh?

Speaker 84 What exactly did they do? What kind of makeup do they have?

Speaker 155 They had regular.

Speaker 155 A lady came in and did shit to my face.

Speaker 10 What was it? What color was the shit?

Speaker 14 I don't know. I didn't ask no questions.

Speaker 89 I was you didn't look.

Speaker 124 You didn't, you weren't.

Speaker 78 I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know.
You lost your eyes?

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 80 She probably put powder on you because you look like you were baptized in Hennessy. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 80 You got to just dab it up and clean you up a little bit.

Speaker 99 You're an attractive guy.

Speaker 88 What the fuck that even me, man?

Speaker 32 This is what he looked like before the makeup.

Speaker 28 Is he going to a funeral? Where are you going?

Speaker 14 Who died, man?

Speaker 155 who the fuck is dressed in d madness man

Speaker 113 i love it you got on a uh you got on a turtle suit you know that he's got a bolo on tonight it's fun it's fun seeing what d madness wears it's fun getting to tell d madness what he's wearing tonight

Speaker 96 it's the only person you get to break the news to

Speaker 155 you won't believe this shit nigga you

Speaker 155 You dressed for Prince's funeral, nigga.

Speaker 98 This shit is crazy.

Speaker 71 A style king.

Speaker 58 We bust his balls a lot, but meanwhile, he is weakly the best-dressed band member on the show.

Speaker 18 You would think they're all blind.

Speaker 135 But no.

Speaker 47 They just don't fucking...

Speaker 100 Michael Gonzalez has been wearing a fucking upside-down nacho bowl for the last year.

Speaker 6 No one's talking about it.

Speaker 97 The old family tortilla over there, the fucking guy. Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 55 So, Cam, you hung out with Deion Sanders.

Speaker 11 So you're going to be at some like Colorado game somewhere.

Speaker 119 I went to one a couple months ago.

Speaker 155 Mm-hmm. Yeah, when I was playing this shit, that shit was dope.

Speaker 132 Yeah, I would have noticed you, but everybody on the sideline looks exactly like you.

Speaker 78 But I had a Colorado shirt on, and everybody thought I was a recruit.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 151 And I would lying my ass all too.

Speaker 4 I'm going. Hell yeah.

Speaker 136 I'm going.

Speaker 155 Who knows? I might come for sure. Hell yeah.

Speaker 155 Oh, lying like shit.

Speaker 80 Yeah, I don't want this to sound racist.

Speaker 81 Okay, wait a minute.

Speaker 98 That's a terrible start. I know.

Speaker 158 That's one of the worst starts in America.

Speaker 80 Well aware of that. But

Speaker 80 is there like a Deion Sanders is known for being a flashy, flare-filled guy, right? So is there like a cool, like, did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off?

Speaker 80 Do you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 10 That's a good question.

Speaker 60 Was this handshake complex?

Speaker 155 Now we both from Florida, so we got the same shit. We both from Florida, so it's a lot of, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 84 Can you show us, can you air show us what a handshake would Deion Shaw?

Speaker 28 Can you do it?

Speaker 46 Dude, isn't it?

Speaker 134 That fucking guy can't do it.

Speaker 143 A white guy in sunglasses.

Speaker 28 Why do you have some ass on right now?

Speaker 19 He could do it.

Speaker 68 Fuck wrong with you, nigga.

Speaker 108 And you're looking at your wife like, you better not have to.

Speaker 128 Oh, no, look, look.

Speaker 96 Go to the Puerto Rican with the gold grill over here.

Speaker 18 Here he is.

Speaker 71 Oh, oh, oh, that's it?

Speaker 14 It was simple.

Speaker 75 Oh, come on.

Speaker 28 It's real simple.

Speaker 69 Tony Caruso has a better handshake than that.

Speaker 80 I can show you a blacker handshake than that.

Speaker 22 Yeah, let's go.

Speaker 67 Come on, Tony.

Speaker 64 Ladies and gentlemen. Follow my lead.

Speaker 64 Wait, no, play some cool rap music for me.

Speaker 20 Come on.

Speaker 138 Give him a good, yeah.

Speaker 80 So let's say I walk into like a black nightclub, right? Which I love, by the way.

Speaker 98 I love.

Speaker 144 Because you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind.

Speaker 119 What are you doing?

Speaker 80 I'm usually looking for some big fat black pussy, Tony, but

Speaker 80 which is my website, big fat black pussy backslash Tony Caruso.

Speaker 2 So let's say I walk into the club and I go, Cam, good to see you.

Speaker 15 Yo.

Speaker 95 Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 98 Whoa.

Speaker 77 Oh, up top, down low, and the reverse.

Speaker 59 fist bump fist bump crisscross double piece work in the rib section.

Speaker 32 Oh, and then in

Speaker 98 oh, yeah, there it is

Speaker 143 Hell yeah

Speaker 127 Wow

Speaker 45 Wow

Speaker 128 Absolutely

Speaker 64 and then I call him the n-word

Speaker 80 But I can do that in the car on the way home

Speaker 143 Cam Patterson, we absolutely love you Congratulations on being you.

Speaker 18 One of the top rising stars of the industry, the great Cam Patterson.

Speaker 22 Makes a noise for his dad.

Speaker 69 Kenny Patterson's in the house somewhere tonight.

Speaker 18 We love Kenny Patterson.

Speaker 59 We love Kenny.

Speaker 29 Sometimes I sound like Trump.

Speaker 77 We love his dad.

Speaker 81 Raised one of the good ones.

Speaker 42 I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone. Lowe's knows Sundays hit different when you earn them.

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Speaker 22 All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ryan Jack, everybody.

Speaker 25 Make some noise for Ryan Jack.

Speaker 22 We're gonna meet them all together.

Speaker 18 This is that episode of Hill Tony.

Speaker 171 Hey, you guys,

Speaker 171 I'm in therapy.

Speaker 171 I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know? Like, my therapist told me that I have a hard time telling people no.

Speaker 171 And then he pulled his pants back up.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 171 That was a tough realization. That was a hard dick to swallow for sure, you know?

Speaker 171 I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know. Like lately, I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube.

Speaker 171 I can't get enough of these videos. I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos, though, is because they're all titled like porn.

Speaker 171 Like every cop video on YouTube I click on is titled like 20-year-old college girl gets what she deserves.

Speaker 171 Karen gets physical and learns her lesson you know

Speaker 171 man packs heat and shorts all the classics you know

Speaker 171 and just like porn the more that I watch these videos the more I start to develop an unrealistic standard for police officers you know

Speaker 171 like one time I got arrested and the cop pinned me down to the ground and I was like I can't get hard I'm sorry I can't

Speaker 171 He tried tasing me, choking me.

Speaker 21 There you go. Great set.

Speaker 24 Ryan Jack, the bucket is powerful tonight.

Speaker 34 An incredible, incredible.

Speaker 36 Another bucket pull. Jim Norton, thoughts.

Speaker 108 Very funny, and every punchline was hidden. I didn't see any of them coming.
It was really, really good, man.

Speaker 108 None of them were predictable. Really good writing.
Very funny.

Speaker 94 Appreciate it. Thank you.

Speaker 23 Thank you very much. Yeah.

Speaker 17 Ryan Jack.

Speaker 113 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 171 About four years. Four years.

Speaker 147 And you really are in therapy?

Speaker 58 I am.

Speaker 73 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 100 What types of things, what types of trauma have you had in your life that you talk to your therapist about?

Speaker 171 Just mostly daddy issues, shit like that.

Speaker 171 My dad calling me retarded and shit all the time. But you know what?

Speaker 75 What are you gonna do? That's it.

Speaker 84 That's how you end up being funny.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 80 Are you Theo Vaughn's kid?

Speaker 21 I think so.

Speaker 80 Was your principal also a raccoon?

Speaker 124 Ryan, where are you from?

Speaker 171 I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah.

Speaker 33 Salt Lake City, Utah.

Speaker 62 Absolutely. You come from a Mormon family?

Speaker 171 No, no, actually. Both of my parents were raised Mormon, but I'm not.
They kept us in Utah for some reason. I don't know why.

Speaker 62 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 126 Four years? Four years.

Speaker 83 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 171 I work at the Dead Rabbit down the straight of the street.

Speaker 99 Oh, that's one of the best bars and restaurants in the city.

Speaker 84 Yes, that is a place that I have been to, unlike the Liberty.

Speaker 80 Too soon.

Speaker 32 An incredible fucking place.

Speaker 29 Absolutely mind-blowing food and drinks.

Speaker 119 It's an award-winning bar.

Speaker 100 The only other location is in New York City.

Speaker 97 Won all the awards, the second ever location, just a block away here on 6th Street west of here.

Speaker 108 Can I ask why your parents didn't raise you Mormon?

Speaker 108 Are you supposed to?

Speaker 171 I don't know. I think they just wanted to drink alcoholic shit.
I don't know. I don't know what their deal was.

Speaker 171 Fucking.

Speaker 133 Did they drink a lot?

Speaker 171 Yeah, a decent amount. Not too much.
I mean, my dad binges every now and then.

Speaker 168 Other than calling you retarded, did he beat you up a little bit?

Speaker 171 Yeah, almost.

Speaker 171 I think my mom stopped, and my mom was like the saving grace and all of that.

Speaker 109 So this trauma, I mean, like, I'm pretty sure everybody here.

Speaker 171 I mean, you're the one that brought up the trauma. I mean,

Speaker 171 pretty the one that was like really drilling on the trauma.

Speaker 73 It was mostly a happy childhood, but it seems like, you know, this therapist is

Speaker 36 pretty easy work cut out for him.

Speaker 171 Yeah, yeah, he collects his check and goes.

Speaker 126 It's pretty easy.

Speaker 147 Is this a weekly thing?

Speaker 171 Yeah, I try to keep it like once every couple of weeks, but

Speaker 171 yeah, because I'm running out of things to talk about. It's kind of annoying at this point.
Yeah. I'm talking about my dad.
That makes sense.

Speaker 10 What else have you talked with your therapist about?

Speaker 171 Oh, shit. Just

Speaker 171 been

Speaker 171 addiction and shit like that.

Speaker 21 Okay, let's talk about that.

Speaker 46 Let's talk about that.

Speaker 25 What have you been addicted to?

Speaker 50 What are you addicted to?

Speaker 108 Eating pennies and putting your finger in the socket.

Speaker 28 Yeah, no,

Speaker 158 pretty much.

Speaker 51 What have you done?

Speaker 171 I've been addicted to a gas station kratom.

Speaker 4 Have you heard of that?

Speaker 15 Oh shit.

Speaker 137 Yeah.

Speaker 171 You guys finally someone respects me.

Speaker 56 I have some friends that are addicted to that. They don't know they're addicted to that.

Speaker 151 But

Speaker 97 there's a couple people that

Speaker 100 basically everyone that tries kratom kind of gets a kind of gets a they really like it.

Speaker 80 Let's put it that way.

Speaker 82 I'm not sure if we have any sponsors right now that are Kratom. So

Speaker 21 what is it?

Speaker 81 What is it? What is that?

Speaker 118 It is an herb.

Speaker 3 It's a natural herb, much like cocaine and

Speaker 166 heroin.

Speaker 60 Yeah, they sell this at gas stations and it's considered non-addictive.

Speaker 91 And what I've noticed is that people that have been addicted to things, that are trying to not be addicted to things, try this and they get addicted to this.

Speaker 28 But they say that they're not addicted to it, but they do a little bit more every single week.

Speaker 80 Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now.

Speaker 81 That was a great voice.

Speaker 28 Yeah,

Speaker 28 yeah.

Speaker 105 If you like it,

Speaker 118 get it from our people, whoever they may be.

Speaker 130 Did you ever try it?

Speaker 131 Next to sentence all of this.

Speaker 150 Yeah,

Speaker 62 I don't do anything. I'm a very, very simple man.

Speaker 60 I know.

Speaker 153 I don't do it.

Speaker 53 I don't go to the liberty. Yeah.

Speaker 51 So you got addicted to Gas Station Kratom.

Speaker 133 How wild did things get?

Speaker 132 What was your lowest point on gas station kratom?

Speaker 47 Did you ever suck a fucking cock for it?

Speaker 45 No, I did.

Speaker 20 Oh, wow. Redband.

Speaker 28 Buried fast.

Speaker 4 Redband.

Speaker 75 No, I suck a cock for free.

Speaker 171 That's really, I just,

Speaker 171 I'm also bisexual.

Speaker 75 Oh, so that's sort of just a.

Speaker 105 And then buy your own kratom.

Speaker 28 I'm sorry. Yeah.

Speaker 75 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 171 No, I mostly just spend in all my money on that. You know, that's really it.

Speaker 108 Did your dad not like that you were bisexual? Like, he called you retarded, but was that really the problem?

Speaker 171 He ignores it. I think he doesn't really want to.
Yeah.

Speaker 171 I think my dad had my brother.

Speaker 171 Has ignored it. Or just my dad hinted at me being straight, and then my brother was like, oh, Ryan's bisexual.
And I was like, all right, that's cool. That's fine.
Just don't.

Speaker 10 Your brother outies you.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 28 How did you,

Speaker 84 and that's how your dad found out?

Speaker 58 Yep.

Speaker 165 Yeah.

Speaker 150 So he's more men and you're more men.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 51 How did you first know that you were bisexual?

Speaker 31 And is it like 50-50?

Speaker 10 How does that work?

Speaker 83 60-40 women, man?

Speaker 171 I say it's like 50-50. I don't know.
I just always like playing with the boys on the school grounds when I was a kid.

Speaker 46 Well,

Speaker 143 way to save that there at the end.

Speaker 5 The end with the when I was a kid.

Speaker 149 When I was a child.

Speaker 27 Not now.

Speaker 119 We almost found out what your real therapy sessions were about.

Speaker 94 All good.

Speaker 26 So what type of fiddling would you do with your classmates back in the day?

Speaker 171 I mean, mostly, I mean, it wasn't until I was, I didn't

Speaker 171 fondle with anyone back then. But, I mean, like, in high school, I'd hook up with friends and stuff.

Speaker 72 D-Madness just let out a homophobic.

Speaker 46 All my friends watched the show.

Speaker 171 I'm sharing way too much right now, but it's fine.

Speaker 22 Sometimes I forget D-Madness is homophobic, but he cannot hide it.

Speaker 81 You just heard him going this.

Speaker 80 Yeah, he literally sounded like a blind queeve.

Speaker 80 Great band name. They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday.

Speaker 80 Now, you have great delivery. You came out.
You have a cool look, right? I think there's a comedy checklist for me. It's cool look, easy delivery, and confidence.
And you have all three.

Speaker 80 Four years, do you feel like you're going to stand the test of time or is this like a hobby for you?

Speaker 171 I'm going to try my best to make this work full-time. You know, just keep doing my thing.

Speaker 23 You should. Stick with it.
Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 108 I love it. You talk about being bi on stage.

Speaker 171 Yeah, I do. I do have some dits about that.
Okay.

Speaker 53 Good. Yeah.
There you go.

Speaker 135 Everyone's got to know.

Speaker 22 Sounds like you're dead, but what's the longest set you've ever done, Ryan?

Speaker 171 10 minutes.

Speaker 50 I'd love to have you do a short set on the secret show.

Speaker 18 You did it.

Speaker 49 Here's the big joke, Buck.

Speaker 103 Here it is.

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 58 Yep.

Speaker 26 Okay, great. You guys are in for a special treat.

Speaker 33 One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 106 One of the funniest young ladies working today from Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 32 She is here.

Speaker 22 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Fiona Cauley, everybody.

Speaker 17 You know her. You love her.
Nashville's finest.

Speaker 19 Many time performer on the show.

Speaker 18 Golden ticket winner.

Speaker 17 This is a brand new minute from make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody.

Speaker 178 So, uh, something

Speaker 178 I have noticed since being in a chair,

Speaker 178 I don't think that women see me as like a threat

Speaker 178 like uh to their romantic relationships,

Speaker 178 which I find

Speaker 178 fucking ridiculous

Speaker 178 because

Speaker 178 I am

Speaker 178 perfect height

Speaker 178 to suck your dude's dick.

Speaker 178 That's not a joke, that's a threat.

Speaker 178 I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't suck dick.

Speaker 178 Not during allergy season.

Speaker 178 That's just dangerous.

Speaker 178 Talk about head cold.

Speaker 143 Fiona Cauley, everybody, with a brand new

Speaker 25 minute.

Speaker 150 Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Where do we even begin with you? Welcome back.

Speaker 132 Always wonderful.

Speaker 36 There's a lot that happened there.

Speaker 93 Have you sucked dicks while sitting in the chair before?

Speaker 133 Is that a thing that you do?

Speaker 58 You have a boyfriend?

Speaker 75 I always see him.

Speaker 178 Yeah, I gotta be charged forward and back.

Speaker 30 That is correct.

Speaker 102 And how long have you been with your boyfriend again?

Speaker 178 A year and a half.

Speaker 7 A year and a half. So you guys have been through a lot together, huh?

Speaker 53 How's it all going?

Speaker 153 Good?

Speaker 178 He's actually not my boyfriend anymore.

Speaker 58 Oh.

Speaker 178 My fiancé.

Speaker 129 Whoa,

Speaker 17 look at that.

Speaker 165 Wow.

Speaker 16 Oh

Speaker 16 my

Speaker 24 goodness.

Speaker 71 Wow.

Speaker 93 Incredible.

Speaker 91 So until really, really soon do you part.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 100 Fiona gets it.

Speaker 75 True comedian.

Speaker 22 Okay, she's not laughing as hard as I was hoping she would be.

Speaker 46 Keep it in, Yodi.

Speaker 178 No, it's just nice. He doesn't have to worry about like a runaway bride.

Speaker 21 That's true.

Speaker 15 Or a pre-nup.

Speaker 28 Or a prenup.

Speaker 178 Ah, good point. There you go, Red.

Speaker 48 No one knows how to stop the momentum faster than old Red Band here.

Speaker 82 A prenup?

Speaker 74 Anybody?

Speaker 169 Anyway.

Speaker 48 So, what's going on?

Speaker 84 Are your parents excited?

Speaker 96 Is your dad gonna roll you down the aisle?

Speaker 80 Isolate that audio.

Speaker 64 I want that for my new email alert.

Speaker 64 Oh my god.

Speaker 80 Oh my fucking God.

Speaker 2 That was my favorite moment of the whole fucking show.

Speaker 113 There are so many.

Speaker 29 The wedding, I mean, I can't even imagine.

Speaker 17 We're going to tie a bunch of like cans and stuff to the back of your chair, just married on the back.

Speaker 46 Just clank your ass.

Speaker 178 That will happen.

Speaker 178 Yeah.

Speaker 65 That'll be good.

Speaker 153 Absolute fucking lootly.

Speaker 53 Very happy for you.

Speaker 178 Anyone can do it, you know?

Speaker 153 You're going to fucking throw that bouquet behind you.

Speaker 3 Really, really shallow throw.

Speaker 178 Everyone will be crisscross applesauce.

Speaker 64 Right behind you.

Speaker 31 Right behind you.

Speaker 91 Applesauce, or as you call it, three meals a day.

Speaker 64 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 143 She can eat normal meals, people.

Speaker 17 We're kidding.

Speaker 149 We laugh a lot.

Speaker 50 She's a golden ticket winner, damn it.

Speaker 128 We're all taking it.

Speaker 28 I love it. We're going to honeymoon.

Speaker 108 Where are you going to honeymoon?

Speaker 178 A cabo.

Speaker 130 Whoa.

Speaker 118 Wow.

Speaker 10 What are you most excited about about this wedding?

Speaker 100 When is it?

Speaker 178 In October.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 109 It's going to be in Nashville.

Speaker 53 All right. Beautiful.

Speaker 58 So it's in October.

Speaker 153 What are you excited about?

Speaker 153 What's the

Speaker 178 tax break?

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 80 Who's going to marry you? You got a pastor, a friend, or a.

Speaker 178 My stepdad. There we go.

Speaker 157 Perfect.

Speaker 53 Yeah. Perfect.

Speaker 80 Is he ordained?

Speaker 53 Huh?

Speaker 73 Great question.

Speaker 21 Is he ordained?

Speaker 80 Is he ordained? Is he legal to do it?

Speaker 137 Okay.

Speaker 149 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 121 Did you,

Speaker 133 how did he propose to you?

Speaker 178 It was good.

Speaker 149 Yeah, let's hear about it.

Speaker 91 I bet you're real easy to surprise.

Speaker 154 Just gets down behind you.

Speaker 15 He's like, babe, spin around.

Speaker 106 You're not going to fucking believe this shit.

Speaker 17 There he is.

Speaker 17 There he is. It's incredible.
The same guy from the pre-nut momentum stop earlier is the same.

Speaker 80 Welcome to the show, Red Band.

Speaker 71 He has arrived.

Speaker 80 Been sitting on that queue all night.

Speaker 84 So let's hear. How did he propose to you?

Speaker 178 First, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called Bad Idea.

Speaker 130 Oh,

Speaker 127 Mr.

Speaker 135 Rector.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 178 Yeah, he got my ass, dude.

Speaker 178 It was terrible.

Speaker 178 Yeah.

Speaker 178 So then I got a text from the booker at Zane's, and she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me. I had to come right away.
And comedy is fucking weird. So I was like, maybe that's real.

Speaker 178 So we left the restaurant. We're both real nervous in the car.
I thought for like the same reason.

Speaker 178 no

Speaker 178 and we got there and I'm fucking all the way up zooming around the corner

Speaker 178 and then I see the Zanius photographer and I was like what the fuck and there's always a photographer they're always there ready to ruin a great surprise

Speaker 12 always

Speaker 178 and then Matt goes come back here for a sec and I looked up at the marquee and it said, will you marry me?

Speaker 99 Oh

Speaker 21 my

Speaker 87 God.

Speaker 165 Wow.

Speaker 80 Now, did you say, did you, that's so sweet. Did you immediately say yes or did you go?

Speaker 81 Let me think about it.

Speaker 80 No, that's a really beautiful story. Sorry, I had to do that.

Speaker 80 Wait, so, and that was how long ago again? A year ago?

Speaker 178 The proposal? Yeah. That was a week ago.

Speaker 23 That's beautiful.

Speaker 33 A week ago, she's still on the same chair charge that she was on the.

Speaker 169 Hasn't even had to plug in yet.

Speaker 80 Can you play PlayStation on that too?

Speaker 178 There's a fucking USB right here.

Speaker 13 Is it really cool?

Speaker 178 Yeah, I can hear Debay miles.

Speaker 130 That's incredible, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 108 You steer the Titan sub with that.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 108 The thing that died, they all died on it.

Speaker 19 Oh, yes.

Speaker 178 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 31 You're doing great, Fiona. What do you like to do for fun when you come to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 178 I always go to Terry Black's.

Speaker 21 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 169 You have good taste.

Speaker 178 Yeah, that place fucks. It's so good.

Speaker 53 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 36 It really does.

Speaker 84 What's your favorite thing to get when you're there?

Speaker 178 You're going to hate me.

Speaker 178 Oh, boy. The mac and cheese.

Speaker 104 You go to Terry Black's for the mac and cheese?

Speaker 113 Oh, look at all the fat asses going crazy for this.

Speaker 62 Just a bunch of people on their last breaths.

Speaker 178 No, mac and cheese is good, but the mac and cheese, are you fucking getting?

Speaker 33 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 84 Fiona, we're trying to take care of you here.

Speaker 47 I'm gonna have you talk to a doctor.

Speaker 62 His name is Frank DeMint.

Speaker 178 I want you to make him say free drinks of text.

Speaker 79 Fiona, we'll call we a woo wee will we partners?

Speaker 105 This mac and cheese is not a good idea if you want to change it.

Speaker 22 Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 113 Everybody loves you so goddamn much.

Speaker 17 You're such a part of the family. Congratulations on the October wedding.
Make some noise for Fiona Collie, everybody.

Speaker 56 All right, Red Band.

Speaker 46 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 32 How about a hand for the lovely Heidi as well?

Speaker 17 Oh shit, Fiona just ran into Deep Madness.

Speaker 143 We're having a real battle of the Titans over here.

Speaker 72 Nobody knows what the fuck's going on.

Speaker 98 Deep Madness is like, who put a fucking motorcycle on my foot?

Speaker 172 Oh my God. Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.
When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter junk.

Speaker 172 When Mike started started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Speaker 167 Oh, come on.

Speaker 172 They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip. Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.
Whatever.

Speaker 172 You were made to outdo your holidays. We were made to help organize the competition.
Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 8 Hello, Nigel here.

Speaker 43 As an owl, I love to be awake all night, but allergy sufferers like you probably don't feel the same. So take Xyzole at night to relieve allergies while you sleep.

Speaker 43 Then wake up fully refreshed for a more productive day. Zizole works fast and offers 24-hour continuous relief from sneezing, runny nose, itchy watery eyes, and itchy nose and throat.

Speaker 42 So you can enjoy doing the things you love all day long.

Speaker 41 Be wise all.

Speaker 80 Take Zyzole at night.

Speaker 43 Use this directed starts working in 45 minutes.

Speaker 144 We having fucking fun tonight, huh?

Speaker 143 I don't know how we do it every week.

Speaker 132 It's been a great night for the bucket.

Speaker 17 Big spoons for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 143 Anything can happen.

Speaker 156 This is Jack McWilliams.

Speaker 77 Jack McWilliams.

Speaker 90 I hooked up with a girl the other day,

Speaker 131 and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop.

Speaker 58 And I was like, of course.

Speaker 131 I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not going to pressure you.
Did you say a safe phrase?

Speaker 131 Don't you mean a safe word?

Speaker 131 She said, no, no, no, no. A safe word isn't specific enough.
I could yell at any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop.

Speaker 131 I was like, totally. I'm on the same page.
It just feels more complicated that way.

Speaker 131 Like, I'm not trying to hack your email here. Is there going to be numbers, symbols, and upper and lowercase letter involved?

Speaker 88 I just.

Speaker 131 What if we made it a random word that you'd never yell at in the heat of the moment, like Gandhi?

Speaker 131 You're not yelling out Gandhi in the heat of the moment. And even if you do, I feel like I could tell if it's a bad Gandhi or like a give me more kind of Gandhi, you know what I mean?

Speaker 28 It's on the tone.

Speaker 131 No, she said her safe phrase is: hey,

Speaker 131 stop doing that.

Speaker 160 Jack Mick Williams, I've never heard Matt Muelling laugh so hard in my entire life.

Speaker 46 He absolutely loved that punchline.

Speaker 114 Incredible.

Speaker 124 Jack, welcome to the show.

Speaker 133 That is amazing that you had a set all about

Speaker 86 a safe word or safe phrase because you are one of the rapiest looking guys

Speaker 60 without a doubt that's ever been on this show.

Speaker 10 Every rapist ever looks up to you.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 151 That is what they look like.

Speaker 72 You look like that.

Speaker 131 And I look down on all the non-rapists.

Speaker 48 How long you been doing stand-up, Jack?

Speaker 81 Eight years. Eight years.
Where at?

Speaker 109 Chicago.

Speaker 30 The whole time in Chicago?

Speaker 131 Thanks. Two years in Bloomington, Indiana, where I went to college, and then in Chicago, yeah.

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 108 I told you, you're a big man. 6'5 ⁇ .

Speaker 90 Wow.

Speaker 108 Did everyone think that you look kind of crazy? Because you look like everyone that's ever accidentally smothered a hooker.

Speaker 108 Like you didn't mean to do it. You apologized after, but it just happened.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 131 I'm very apologetic afterwards, and it's hard to know my own strength and size.

Speaker 90 But we're figuring out that.

Speaker 4 Look at holding that mic.

Speaker 108 What a fucking giant meat hook you.

Speaker 108 It's like me with a dog dick in my hand. Yeah.

Speaker 102 Jack, I love it. What do you do for a living?

Speaker 131 I'm a caddy.

Speaker 118 A real golf caddy?

Speaker 114 Wow.

Speaker 4 How long have you been with that for?

Speaker 131 Four seasons.

Speaker 25 Okay. Chicago.

Speaker 131 It's a seasonal job. I found one here in Austin, though, that's a little sporadic.

Speaker 28 You live here now?

Speaker 131 So I'm a long distance with a girl in Austin. I've been living with her since November.

Speaker 131 We've been dating over a year.

Speaker 131 I'm at Spanish Oaks Golf Club.

Speaker 36 Yeah, very, very nice golf.

Speaker 81 Shut up.

Speaker 131 Shut up.

Speaker 114 No doubt about it.

Speaker 131 They'll be super pumped to hear about the rape.

Speaker 53 It's going to be good.

Speaker 69 Seems good.

Speaker 113 He's doing good, Spanish Oaks.

Speaker 70 Keep him close.

Speaker 129 This is where spars come from.

Speaker 131 I love the way my meat hooks grab their driver.

Speaker 32 What does the girlfriend do for a living?

Speaker 131 She works at HEB.

Speaker 55 Oh, wow.

Speaker 113 Everyone's favorite.

Speaker 69 No doubt about it.

Speaker 22 Instant crowd pop always for HEB.

Speaker 60 What does she do there?

Speaker 131 She is in the beauty section, though. In a month, she's starting management training.

Speaker 114 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 12 Everything you guys touch turns to gold over there.

Speaker 100 And how did you end up meeting this girl? Long-distance relationship.

Speaker 33 Chicago, she

Speaker 131 visited Chicago and came to a comedy show where I was

Speaker 126 the headliner, essentially the last comedian.

Speaker 5 and then what happens she comes up to you and goes

Speaker 131 I have a bit where I take a girl to the airport after three dates you know super not rapey thing to do

Speaker 131 just being a gentleman

Speaker 131 she clapped for me in the audience and then I kind of did a quick interaction and

Speaker 136 tied her up yeah

Speaker 131 pretty much right after the show and then what you guys went on a date and

Speaker 131 she was flying back the next day when she said she was

Speaker 131 lives in Austin, I was like, well, I've been meaning to visit there for this show.

Speaker 55 Did you guys hang out that night or anything?

Speaker 175 Yeah, for a few hours.

Speaker 51 What did you do? You go over to the Bean?

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Happens to be a landmark that I know a lot about.

Speaker 131 I always ask for consent before I go to the Bean.

Speaker 4 Sure.

Speaker 33 100%.

Speaker 21 Nobody believes you.

Speaker 108 What did she like about you?

Speaker 108 What did she like?

Speaker 146 What does she say that she likes?

Speaker 105 What does she have an ignorant chemistry?

Speaker 131 She says it's very kind.

Speaker 98 God damn it.

Speaker 46 What did she say, Jim?

Speaker 108 I just knew it would bomb, and I said it. No, nobody heard it.

Speaker 108 No, no, no one knows who he is. I said she has an Edmund Kemper finish.

Speaker 142 I know that reference.

Speaker 22 That's great.

Speaker 27 Damn it.

Speaker 91 He's saying you look like a big, rapy serial killer.

Speaker 108 I say it with love. I like Tebby's mother's family.

Speaker 146 I really appreciate it.

Speaker 134 Yeah, he's great.

Speaker 80 Wait, how do you keep... I've done long distance 14 times.

Speaker 80 You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting, right? You can cheat or you can do phone sex. Yep, the big two.
Say it again? The big two.

Speaker 2 The big two.

Speaker 80 How do you keep it fresh? How do you keep connected?

Speaker 131 She would visit like every six weeks during caddy season, and then now I've been here for a few months.

Speaker 25 Are you a good caddy?

Speaker 131 Back-to-back caddy of the year at my club in Chicago.

Speaker 124 How did you get so good at it?

Speaker 131 Well, my coworkers are either alcoholics or children, so it's not the highest bar.

Speaker 108 That's also who your victims are.

Speaker 17 Got it.

Speaker 23 Standing ovation from Antonio Caruso.

Speaker 33 Jack, before I let you go, what would we be surprised to know about you?

Speaker 131 Other than I have not sexually assaulted anybody.

Speaker 80 Yeah, say it in order to the cameras for your work.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 131 Let's see.

Speaker 95 Anything wild?

Speaker 58 Any fun hobbies or anything?

Speaker 131 I got a DUI for smoking pot when I I was 19.

Speaker 109 Whoa, Bloomington, Indiana?

Speaker 131 Wisconsin.

Speaker 146 I was taking a road trip.

Speaker 53 Oh, boy.

Speaker 157 Yikes.

Speaker 110 My goodness.

Speaker 132 How'd you get caught?

Speaker 175 You admitted it?

Speaker 131 We had just hot boxed the car with two joints.

Speaker 131 So he pulled us over and was like, I'm pulling you over for a traffic violation. We said, what's the traffic violation? And he just said, how much marijuana's in the car?

Speaker 131 We were 19. We didn't really.

Speaker 135 We know our rights.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 25 That makes sense. We kind of.

Speaker 80 You want to be my doctor? I fucking like you a lot.

Speaker 4 You're very funny. I do.

Speaker 131 You're kind.

Speaker 94 Hey, I don't know.

Speaker 131 I went from being just a rapist to your doctor, so that's a pretty good idea.

Speaker 21 That's it.

Speaker 130 Not the first one.

Speaker 17 Yeah, you should have seen the other rapey doctor that was here earlier, Red Band.

Speaker 148 You know, I'd love for you to headline the secret show Thursday.

Speaker 134 Holy.

Speaker 21 I get that.

Speaker 49 and a big junk buck.

Speaker 160 You did it.

Speaker 18 There he goes, Jack McWilliams, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 81 No, the bucket pulls on the show out of control right now.

Speaker 28 Let's get one more up here.

Speaker 55 Let's see if we could go for it tonight.

Speaker 55 Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull

Speaker 46 of the night,

Speaker 168 ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dagon Asfaha.

Speaker 154 Dagon Asfaha.

Speaker 149 So

Speaker 176 I live in a gentrified white neighborhood.

Speaker 176 So there's a lot of pressure on me to be the friendly local black guy.

Speaker 176 And it's tough, you know,

Speaker 101 it's hard.

Speaker 176 It's It's hard being a real nigga when you live on Avocado Street.

Speaker 176 It's hard because people don't understand race, you know? Like one time I was at a comedy show and I was watching a black comedian perform.

Speaker 176 He was saying the N-word a lot, and this white woman next to me turned to me and she was like,

Speaker 53 Am I allowed

Speaker 53 to laugh?

Speaker 176 I was like, Absolutely not.

Speaker 176 As a matter of fact, every time you hear the N-word, hold your breath.

Speaker 146 All right, that's my time.

Speaker 103 Dagon Aspaha.

Speaker 174 Am I saying that right?

Speaker 9 Dagon

Speaker 80 Dejan.

Speaker 73 Dejin. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 105 Dejin, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 62 Another amazing set.

Speaker 132 Congratulations to you.

Speaker 100 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 83 Three years. Three years.
Where at?

Speaker 176 I started in LA and then I moved back to Seattle like a year ago.

Speaker 147 What made you move to Seattle from LA?

Speaker 176 There was no reason to be there in LA. Right.

Speaker 108 Do you keep in touch with Captain Phillips? Phillips?

Speaker 50 I already knew that shit was coming. You might as well play the Lion King music now.

Speaker 29 Well, you know what?

Speaker 17 Let me just...

Speaker 117 What does Dejin mean?

Speaker 105 Is that a...

Speaker 46 Dejin?

Speaker 17 Oh, we got you. We got you there.
You didn't see that one coming.

Speaker 160 I knew.

Speaker 18 We got you there.

Speaker 103 We got you. You took the bait.

Speaker 80 Oh, that's tonight's fruit by the foot cue of the night.

Speaker 106 What do you do for work, Dajin?

Speaker 176 I'm about to work as a tutor. I'm about to work with kids, but I was just working security right now.

Speaker 138 Okay.

Speaker 147 What are you going to be tutoring them in?

Speaker 114 You really are in a gentrified neighborhood.

Speaker 96 I would have taken you for the tutor type.

Speaker 176 That was like at an elementary school.

Speaker 28 Oh, wow.

Speaker 176 I did that too when I was in L.A. for a bit.

Speaker 58 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 60 Tutoring kids. Is it fun working with kids?

Speaker 109 Um, kids like me, generally.

Speaker 100 You might be the only bucket pool tonight that's allowed near kids.

Speaker 57 That's some retired doctors, some

Speaker 86 scary, scary individuals up here. Yeah.

Speaker 114 I love it. What's your love life like?

Speaker 135 Oh, um,

Speaker 176 I'll be dating casually.

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 53 You know what I'm saying? What are you into? What type of woman are you?

Speaker 83 What type of big booty bitch are you?

Speaker 134 What was that noise?

Speaker 174 That was the noise of a pig.

Speaker 105 That was Red Band.

Speaker 36 Red Ban thinks that big booty bitches implies that

Speaker 97 they are heavy eaters.

Speaker 176 Man, that's crazy you said.

Speaker 105 I do like a fat ass.

Speaker 141 I don't know how I guessed.

Speaker 15 I just

Speaker 60 really just had just a hunch of some kind.

Speaker 2 How fat?

Speaker 80 Can you do like a thing with your hands? Like how big?

Speaker 176 I mean if she I like grabbing it. You know I like is she on top?

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 80 What the fuck did you just do? What was that? What was that? Yeah. Are you painting her back with crazy?

Speaker 79 If she on top, I'm doing this.

Speaker 105 Right.

Speaker 80 I don't know what that is either. Yeah.

Speaker 84 Well, maybe you don't know Tony Caruso. No,

Speaker 80 I'm a stand-up against the wall guy always.

Speaker 80 No sitting down.

Speaker 28 Once I sit down, I'm going to bed.

Speaker 80 No doggy style. My knees can't handle it.
I'm up against the wall, the closet of the fridge.

Speaker 119 Good night, good night.

Speaker 96 You know when you do doggy style, you're not supposed to be on all fours.

Speaker 79 You know that, right?

Speaker 78 All right, Tony Robbins.

Speaker 80 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 80 Can I just fucking have a conversation with Saquon Barkley or whoever the fuck this guy is?

Speaker 21 Now,

Speaker 80 you said you were security for me.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 80 You said you were security for who?

Speaker 78 Padera?

Speaker 46 No, nigga.

Speaker 128 Who?

Speaker 80 Who are you security for? You said security.

Speaker 176 I have done security work for just like office buildings around type shit.

Speaker 28 Great.

Speaker 80 So any office building that needs somebody to watch it.

Speaker 176 Yeah, I used to do that just because it was like cushy and I could like write jokes during the daytime type shit. Yep.

Speaker 176 But I had the other security job I had, they were trying to make me do like actual security. And I was like, fuck no, nigga.

Speaker 176 Yeah, they would be like, confront that crackhead now.

Speaker 28 I'd be like, what?

Speaker 75 They'd be like, you're good. You don't have a gun, but it's okay.

Speaker 27 like yeah because it was unarmed security i was like nigga that's a paradox right exactly

Speaker 157 skateboarders and shit damn right yeah

Speaker 80 that's the name of my next uh special n-word that's a paradox

Speaker 15 can't say it all right hell yeah

Speaker 176 hell yeah uh what do you what else do you do for fun dayjohn I mean, it's hard to have hobbies because I'm constantly doing this shit. Yep.

Speaker 176 But honestly, casually dating, I was dating a lot when I got back to Seattle.

Speaker 98 What do you like to do?

Speaker 51 What's your move?

Speaker 51 Give us some tricks.

Speaker 132 Give us some dating with Dejan tricks.

Speaker 26 What are some, what do you like to say, girl?

Speaker 109 How do you close?

Speaker 21 Wait, what is it?

Speaker 176 Dejen. Dejen.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 92 All right, Dejin.

Speaker 7 Yeah. I'm going to take the A out of this and just go with the E.

Speaker 53 Dejan. Dejan.

Speaker 128 Yeah, Dejin.

Speaker 176 Dejan. You made my name black?

Speaker 50 Dejan.

Speaker 46 Well, I mean, that's.

Speaker 17 Let the record show. This is not an easy job.
Most television show hosts have a pre-interview.

Speaker 174 They fucking, they meet the person before his name is spelled D-A-E, which is Day.

Speaker 113 And then it's G-E-N.

Speaker 176 I know it's spelled confusing. Yeah, you have a point.
I don't mind when people mispronounce it.

Speaker 80 Can you imagine being on a date with this guy? And she's like, so it's so nice to meet you, Desjohn. And he's like, uh-huh.

Speaker 25 Hey.

Speaker 46 Bitch, you be bragging on my name.

Speaker 176 Hey, you know what's crazy? Somebody mispronounced my name while I was hitting it, too.

Speaker 176 She said it just the way you said it, nigga.

Speaker 15 Yeah, what did she call Beetlejuice?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 50 She was like, ooh, Deja.

Speaker 46 And I was like, uh-huh.

Speaker 143 You were like,

Speaker 106 it's Dejan.

Speaker 137 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 103 It's dwejin, bitch.

Speaker 21 It's dejin.

Speaker 14 Spell it. D-E-J-U-A.

Speaker 64 Oh, yeah. Get off my.

Speaker 31 I'm sorry to blacken up your name.

Speaker 55 I'm sorry.

Speaker 35 So DeJohn Quay, tell us.

Speaker 25 I knew it.

Speaker 74 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 70 What are some dating tricks of yours before I get you out of here?

Speaker 176 You got to schedule, if you talking to her, you got to schedule the date, ASAP, like within the first five messages type shit.

Speaker 97 Yep.

Speaker 176 And then you meet her in person.

Speaker 176 And then, by the way, I'm not no like nigga that'd be getting pussy all the time but that's what you have to say I get it but you gotta schedule the day ASAP do some simple shit just talk to her get drinks type shit you don't gotta take her to an aquarium

Speaker 34 you're goddamn right

Speaker 17 you're goddamn right

Speaker 46 you don't gotta

Speaker 176 hell yeah and introduce the idea of sex asap that's what i

Speaker 176 absolutely my early 20s i i fucked that up i never like Yeah, you would go to the aquarium.

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 31 Aquarium is your brother's name, right?

Speaker 9 You are fantastic.

Speaker 142 What's the longest say you've ever done, Dejin?

Speaker 176 20.

Speaker 50 20 minutes.

Speaker 50 Secret show.

Speaker 49 Book it. Lock it.
Big joke book.

Speaker 103 Unbelievable performance.

Speaker 49 Dejin

Speaker 49 Aspaha has arrived.

Speaker 18 What an unbelievable bucket, night of bucket pulls we've had.

Speaker 19 And before we put a ribbon on this thing,

Speaker 76 I think it's time we bring to the stage someone to give us a little violin performance, everybody.

Speaker 49 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jake Kennedy, everyone.

Speaker 17 I think it's Jake Kennedy, right?

Speaker 143 Where the fuck is he?

Speaker 145 Oh my god.

Speaker 160 How adorable is this?

Speaker 160 Oh

Speaker 124 my god, the world's smallest violin, literally.

Speaker 144 Give me some right lighting for this situation.

Speaker 72 This is an all-time Kill Tony first.

Speaker 95 We've never, out of all the musical excitement that we've ever had, we've never had a violinist.

Speaker 86 I'm very excited about this.

Speaker 60 Play something that's not copyrighted music, please.

Speaker 60 YouTube has an unbelievable computer system stronger than ever to be able to copyright strike us.

Speaker 3 Even me saying the word copyright strike might be a copyright strike.

Speaker 60 They are so strict nowadays.

Speaker 133 Ladies and gentlemen, this, a first in the Kill Tony universe, the first violin performance from one of the most absolutely adorable little fucking oompa loombas we've ever seen in our entire lives.

Speaker 25 Here, with his tiny little finger.

Speaker 80 Hold the mic next to him.

Speaker 72 Tony, we got it. We got it.
Relax.

Speaker 9 Tony, sit the fuck down. Don't ask any questions.

Speaker 104 Relax.

Speaker 19 You put the cool running on.

Speaker 22 Yes, there you go.

Speaker 25 Okay, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 46 Ladies and gentlemen, as we all settle in and relax for this performance,

Speaker 46 this

Speaker 128 is

Speaker 114 oh, there's a lot going on.

Speaker 32 They'll figure it out.

Speaker 7 They'll figure it out.

Speaker 47 They're professionals, Jake.

Speaker 10 Just play.

Speaker 60 Jake is used to playing with a bunch of little mice.

Speaker 51 He normally plays in a band of mice.

Speaker 51 Meese, they're called, when there's a group of tiny little mees.

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen, this with the tiniest fingers we've ever seen is

Speaker 149 Jack Kennedy.

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show.

Speaker 18 They are on their feet here in the live music capital of the world.

Speaker 49 Tony Garuso is going to throw his jacket out there.

Speaker 49 he's got a big joke book he's got a little joke book he's got the musical performance of a lifetime one more time for Jake Kennedy ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 72 Jake you know what I want you to join the band one of these nights coming up talk to John Dees you're gonna be a band member

Speaker 17 Not full-time, but he's gonna make a couple appearances. We'll see what happens.
You'll see him over there with the horn players or something.

Speaker 138 Luckily, we can fit him anywhere on the stage.

Speaker 19 You would think we've run out of room.

Speaker 143 He's literally the only musician that we can add.

Speaker 78 Add, add, jeep, sound, sound, check, check, check.

Speaker 84 Check, check, check, check, check.

Speaker 94 Fucking something. Check that.

Speaker 100 It's Kino, everybody.

Speaker 59 The great famous Keno.

Speaker 78 Tony, that was.

Speaker 99 Who said earlier during sound check that he'll never make another mistake again?

Speaker 80 That was the best make-a-wish musical performance I've ever seen.

Speaker 174 You know, there was a band that played during the sinking of the Titanic.

Speaker 138 Not a lot of people know this, but Jake played the violin during when that little sub went down to go play.

Speaker 52 And yeah, he was playing though.

Speaker 118 He can fit in there.

Speaker 105 He can fit in crazy places.

Speaker 46 So he was in a little submarine playing.

Speaker 144 And when the thing exploded, he fucking the violin had he's he's light enough, he's buoyant enough, he fucking shot right up to the surface.

Speaker 99 It's absolutely that's actual sound of him coming back up to the surface.

Speaker 22 Look, this guy's had a few weeks off.

Speaker 69 There's only one way to end a fucking episode like this.

Speaker 142 It's been way too long. You guys know what's about to happen

Speaker 142 as I bring to the stage the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever, with the most interviews ever.

Speaker 63 This is the long-awaited return, the longest we've ever gone without seeing him. This is the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine.

Speaker 24 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 158 When Trump's people took over, they discovered Biden had budgeted $50 million for condoms in Gaza. I'd heard they do a lot of tunneling over there, but damn!

Speaker 158 They just found vomit in Denmark that is 66 million years old. Red Band, you never told me you did stand up for cavemen.

Speaker 158 Because when somebody does so bad as stand up, the people in the audience vomit. That's what I was going for.
So I've got a rebranding opportunity.

Speaker 158 Instead of Goldman Sachs, Goldman Sachs, it's not about your asset size, it's your circumcise.

Speaker 158 A woman recently went blind when she accidentally put nail glue in her eyes instead of eye drops.

Speaker 68 I'm not a doctor, but here's some advice. Don't do that again, you stupid bitch.

Speaker 158 Okay, that's my time, Tony.

Speaker 17 Exactly.

Speaker 18 59.99

Speaker 18 seconds.

Speaker 150 Almost like a man with the all-time record, the man who's done it more than anybody else. William, we have missed you.

Speaker 53 Welcome back.

Speaker 28 I know.

Speaker 158 Thank you so much. It really is so nice to be back.
This is kind of a, honestly, this is a very cautionary tale. I was playing too much Call of Duty, and it made me depressed, Tony.

Speaker 158 So I stopped playing it, I think, three weeks ago. Now I'm back working out and reading books, trying to get out of my funk that I have in my brain.

Speaker 158 Because seriously, if you're out there grinding for these camouflages on your weapons,

Speaker 158 it turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare. So if you're one of these people doing this, stop immediately, start working out, start reading books, do something different for your brain.

Speaker 158 Because it really, Tony, turned very dark for me.

Speaker 28 It is true.

Speaker 57 It is true.

Speaker 133 You had a video game addiction.

Speaker 147 The closest you would get to doing anything else would be to look out of your blinds and

Speaker 100 complain about whatever your neighbors in the parking lot were doing.

Speaker 32 It became

Speaker 55 a cautionary tale.

Speaker 153 You went down a rabbit hole.

Speaker 158 Well, I'm reading next to my window, so I'm still able to look out. And Tony, somebody recently

Speaker 158 moved into one of the apartments, and they weren't supposed to. This is now the second time I've caught a homeless person moving into the apartments next to me.
So I've still got my eyes out on there.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 60 Look at that. Something's never changed.

Speaker 158 I know. I have to have a purpose.

Speaker 108 How do you break a Call of Duty addiction? How do you break it? Just start shooting real people.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 10 How did you wean yourself off of it?

Speaker 147 You were in very deep.

Speaker 158 Yeah, I I really don't was feeling horrible in my brain.

Speaker 158 I was so horribly down, and I would like to think I'm going to blame it on the Call of Duty, and things are better now that I'm not playing the Call of Duty, but seriously, it was, it was, I was playing, I don't know, 15 hours a day.

Speaker 158 It's a real thing.

Speaker 56 I don't allow myself to have a legit video game system.

Speaker 158 Yeah, don't ever do it because it's so fun.

Speaker 106 I know.

Speaker 86 It's really fun, but it's very, very easy to just sit there and live a life of fantasy.

Speaker 114 Yes.

Speaker 132 And there's perhaps a lot of people out there listening right now, I'd imagine, that look up to you.

Speaker 153 And,

Speaker 101 you know, which is absolutely insane to me.

Speaker 158 Well, there was one sweet guy on an Instagram post I did. He's like, oh, my gosh, I was going through bad times.
Your comedies really helped me. I was going to kill myself or something.

Speaker 158 And then some piece of shit said, well, you should have killed yourself, then dumbass, because I don't know.

Speaker 78 Well, in my defense, I was drunk when i wrote that so i thought

Speaker 80 i didn't think you were gonna read it so tomato tomato but you know if you by the way seeing a guy play call of duty with a sesame street live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing imagine being a post-base driver dropping off soup to you and you walk out being like i just lost six more of my friends and he's like all right man you look like a guy going to noun to look for ladyboys but you know here's the truth

Speaker 50 Well, I got this at Disney World.

Speaker 158 And

Speaker 158 Tony, I went to Disney World at the beginning of the year.

Speaker 158 Nobody ever go to Disney World or Universal Studios Studios in January because everybody was sick and I ended up with the flu for two weeks, Tony.

Speaker 158 I got 104 fever one of the nights, and I was almost getting in the ice bath in my bathtub, almost getting my girlfriend to put rubbing alcohol on my body. I didn't know what to do.

Speaker 153 Wow.

Speaker 147 What ended up solving your problem?

Speaker 158 It just went down the next day, so I didn't have to go to the doctor.

Speaker 80 What's your favorite ride at the D-World?

Speaker 158 It's a small world.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 158 I love that one. It's real nice.
Just all the cultures coming together. It's chill.

Speaker 156 I love that.

Speaker 60 What are your big plans for 2025?

Speaker 133 This is our, I believe, first time seeing you this year.

Speaker 36 Is that correct?

Speaker 55 Yeah, it's been

Speaker 134 a year off.

Speaker 81 We miss you, William.

Speaker 80 You're a staple of the comedy world, and you're one of the finest guys on planet Earth.

Speaker 17 I mean, you just took 20 years off.

Speaker 84 What the fuck do you know?

Speaker 119 I've got you, too.

Speaker 80 I don't know. This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that

Speaker 80 you're needed. You're needed

Speaker 2 fuck you, Tony.

Speaker 46 Yeah,

Speaker 84 you're talking to a fellow Kill Tony Hall of Famer or something.

Speaker 80 Well, I feel like he brings a lot to not only the show, but to the world.

Speaker 1 So that's what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 91 I could not absolutely agree more.

Speaker 96 William, you are a ridiculous superstar.

Speaker 35 You are our Conor McGregor, our Hulk Hogan.

Speaker 17 You are the man. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only William Montgomery.

Speaker 17 Is that Violinis still back there?

Speaker 93 Is he still back there?

Speaker 60 Does he have his little fucking tiny instrument?

Speaker 36 Does he?

Speaker 36 Is he

Speaker 60 violinist?

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 84 He left. Oh, that's a shame.

Speaker 52 Well, then our normal band will play us out.

Speaker 48 Tess was tonight's episode, everybody.

Speaker 63 Make some noise for Jim Norton.

Speaker 22 Jim Norton can't save you.

Speaker 17 Available everywhere. It's a new, unbelievably awesome fucking show.

Speaker 35 Tony Caruso is on tour with Adam Ray, believe it or not. Incredible.

Speaker 142 Adam has such an open mind, one of the great creative forces of the world.

Speaker 144 He has Dr.

Speaker 33 Phil on tour.

Speaker 138 He has his own stand-up tour.

Speaker 143 He kills it everywhere he fucking goes.

Speaker 47 Everything he touches turns to gold.

Speaker 77 Dr. Phil with Dr.

Speaker 124 Phil on Netflix.

Speaker 143 A lot of other unbelievable things happening.

Speaker 32 So for you to get to work with Adam Ray is incredible.

Speaker 22 How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Tony Caruso?

Speaker 49 How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton?

Speaker 17 The charling from Ryan Shaebel is in.

Speaker 22 It's incredible.

Speaker 156 Let's see what Chris Rogers did tonight.

Speaker 151 Oh, it's me.

Speaker 35 Ooh la la. Look at that.

Speaker 138 A dehydrated me

Speaker 66 filled with testosterone and a lack of water.

Speaker 143 This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter and Nicked Nicotine Pouches.

Speaker 35 That's NYKD.

Speaker 35 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody?

Speaker 35 I'm on tour by the time this episode comes out tickets will be on sale I'm doing the Honda Center in Anaheim California a very big arena I'm doing stand-up there who knows maybe some friends from LA will be able to make a little drive pop in who knows I don't know we'll see you talk to your buddy Adam for me put in a good word

Speaker 138 It's gonna be fucking amazing.

Speaker 143 I'm also doing the Maverick Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a bunch of other great places.

Speaker 5 Detroit, some casinos, big fancy joints.

Speaker 33 All of it's at TonyHinchcliffe.com or Ticketmaster.

Speaker 174 There's still, I think, a couple tickets available for the Kill Tonies in Nashville at the Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th.

Speaker 29 And a lot of other fun stuff, Red Band.

Speaker 148 You know, William has a podcast called the William Montgomery Show with our friend Casey Rocket. Check it out, guys.
Yes.

Speaker 144 Yes. Support everyone in the Kill Tony family.

Speaker 143 We love you. We love you guys.

Speaker 138 You guys are the heart and soul of it all. Good night.
Thank you.

Speaker 143 We love you. Goodbye, everybody.

Speaker 158 This guy's allegedly comedy game. Took 20 years off of stand-up, but he's back in the game now.

Speaker 44 20 years since I've been on stage, but it's time to get back to it.

Speaker 146 I'm going to go give it a shot, Charlie and Material. There we go.

Speaker 42 Make some noise for Tony Caruso.

Speaker 42 Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony!

Speaker 37 Turns it back on the saddle, as they say, and

Speaker 40 see if that old horse still

Speaker 137 comes, right?

Speaker 37 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 37 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 179 Ready to buy a car, a home, or just want to take control of your money? Your FICO score matters, and 90% of top lenders use it to make decisions.

Speaker 80 Check your FICO score for free today without hurting your credit score.

Speaker 179 Visit myfICO.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app today. My FICO gives you the score lenders use most, plus credit reports and real-time alerts to help keep you on top of your credit.

Speaker 179 Visit myfico.com/slash free and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO

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Transcript

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