#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO

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Hey, this is Redman coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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This is Kill Tony brought to you by Nick Tack.

nicotine pouches and zip recruiter every single week I have one or two or three of the best possible guests I look at it like a chemistry set I know all these people I know who goes well together and how to mix it tonight's two guest panel is one of the greatest comedians of all time and also a guy who's returning back into the comedy business after a very long hiatus so what a perfect panel ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the greats.

Make some fucking noise for Jim Norton and Tony Caruso.

Oh, yeah.

Jim Norton.

Tony Caruso.

First time on Kill Cody.

Wow.

Tony Caruso.

Jim Norton.

Welcome.

Jim Norton is back, the only comedian to be on both Madison Square Garden episodes.

Absolutely crushing.

One of our favorite guests of all time.

Thank you.

He's been on the show in LA, multiple times in Austin, in Las Vegas.

Jim Norton, one of the best comedians in the world.

Jim Norton Can't Save You is available everywhere.

It's a brand new show.

And joining the panel for the very first

time ever in the show's entire history

Tony Caruso ladies and gentlemen now

Tony

Wow, they really love you.

I don't know how it's I don't know what that was.

I don't know what that was.

I never shot a gun in my life.

It seems like

on a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun.

You have a giant

a giant approval from the audience, and many of them don't know anything about you.

You are making a return into stand-up comedy.

You took a 20-year hiatus when your wife passed away.

A 20-year hiatus.

My wife died RIP.

I found out through text.

She had cancer or HPV or some shit.

Whatever.

The bitch is dead.

So I'm trying to get my life back on track.

Good to see you, Red Man.

What do you brush your teeth with nacho cheese?

All right, I'm just warming up here, but

But no, I'm a big fan of the show and you know Keltoni is a show to launch careers They launched a lot of people is Hans Kim, you know, who by the way is who's about to star in the all-Asian reboot of the sand lot Hans Kim is.

He's going to play Squints.

He's going to be called

the Sand Rot, if you're an Asian guy.

All right, I'm warming up here.

Tony, if you're here, who's haunting the abandoned carnival down the street, huh?

I'm warming up here.

We're having a good time.

But I'm a big fan of Kill Tony.

I've been watching the show on YouTube.

I've been watching you on Facebook.

I got Twitter.

I got X.

I got something.

I got something on my cock right now.

Wow.

Hit me, hit me.

Hit me one more time.

It was too hard.

I got a pacemaker.

Tony Caruso.

I forgot what it was was called, but he is.

He's been making his return into standing.

Trying to get back into it.

Trying to get back on the wagon.

He's been opening up for the great Hall of Fame Kill Tony member, Adam Ray, all over the road.

Doing some shows for him.

So you can get tickets to see Tony Caruso at adamraycomedy.com.

It is incredible.

You've been doing some work with Dr.

Phil, I hear.

You're friends with Dr.

Phil.

Friends with DP, yeah.

Yeah, TP.

Friends with DP.

Yeah, we call him DP.

But, you know, DP has got several meanings.

So double pen A, double penetration.

I'm just warming up here.

I'm just warming up.

Just warming up.

But Tony, it's good to see you.

You look good.

Thank you so much.

You look like a vampire that only bites people with AIDS.

Okay.

Okay.

Come on, hit me, boy.

A little late.

A little late.

I invite you to the show, and this is how you treat me.

I'll just try to warm up.

Okay, you're on the show, right?

You're big.

Look at that fat fuck.

Okay, well, I mean, she's.

I watch your show.

I watch your show.

I love your show.

I love it.

Big fan.

Okay, all right.

Good lord almighty.

So Tony.

Oh, okay.

So, Tony, you know how this show works.

Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to be here.

I pull their name out of the bucket.

They get 60 seconds.

You know, their time is up, and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear.

Which interrupts them, and then I ask them a bunch of questions.

We find out more about them, and

everything is improvised.

Anything can happen.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian performing tonight while we go wrangle your first bucket pool is a guy who's been on the show only one other time in Las Vegas, Nevada at Skank Fest.

He was my favorite comedian on the episode.

And I told him that when he arrives to Austin, Texas for his first time, that he gets an automatic spot on this show.

This is that show.

This is that moment.

ladies and gentlemen your first comedian 60 seconds uninterrupted for the second time ever appearance of Peter Angelo everybody here we go it's Peter Angelo

what's going on guys what's going on

who here likes rough sex

who here likes rough sex with men

just me all right cool

Yeah, I fuck a lot of dudes.

It's weird.

I get it.

I look like this, but like I do.

I enjoy rough sex, but the problem is I date guys who are like way smaller than me.

And people think I date, I do that to throw them around like it's cirque d'Sole.

That's not the case.

I want them to be the dominant one.

Let them be in charge.

But like for rough sex to be hot, there's got to be that element of danger.

I don't feel like I'm in danger.

The average weight of the guys I sleep with is 150 pounds.

I weigh 320.

They can't even get their hands around my neck.

For me to feel like they were in charge, I had to give them a weapon.

And I'm not sucking dick at gunpoint.

Again.

It's a great family reunion.

You think the natural solution is I'd be the dominant one.

You know, I'd be in charge.

But like, I'm afraid I'm so much bigger, I'm going to kill them.

And now I'm like gay Lenny from of Mice and Men.

Like, I didn't mean to kill the Twink Boy, George.

I just wanted to pet his butt.

Thanks, guys.

I'm Peter Angelo.

Peter Angelo.

second ever time on the show.

Famously the

least gay looking gay man ever in the show's history.

Jim, you ever see anything like this before?

I have.

I've seen you before.

Yeah, and I enjoy you very much.

Oh, thank you.

But you do seem more like a top.

I'm not saying that.

I'm not disappointed.

I'm just saying you seem like a top.

Yeah, everyone seems to be disappointed by it.

I don't get it.

That's fine.

All right.

Yeah, but like I was for a long time, and then, you know, I got bored.

I was like, all right, let them do the work.

But that material is like, like, people are going to think you're gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It has been a drawback.

Like, not many ladies coming around now, no.

When you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on?

Like, is it gay?

You go, all right, like, I like butt stuff.

Yeah, you got to rip them off.

Yeah, rip them right off.

Pants off, sleeves off, gone.

All right, that's all I got.

Absolutely.

Peter, remind us all, where do you live again?

I live in New York City right now.

How long have you lived in New York?

About three years.

And what do you do for work?

I was a truck driver.

Now it's comedy.

Yeah, I was a, thank you, lady.

But now I teach people to throw axes.

Oh, wow.

I'm an axe.

Straight jobs.

Even your jobs are straight.

I drive trucks and I teach people to throw axes and I take dicks in my butt.

Like, it doesn't make any sense.

That's a great impression of a woman.

It's incredible.

It is incredible.

He throws the axes at vaginas.

Yeah.

Not another one.

God damn it.

Get away from me.

Absolutely incredible.

Larry the cable gay.

Yeah.

Yep.

Get him done.

Have you always been gay?

How old were you when you knew you were gay?

I was a teenager, I would say.

Teenager, and just.

Was there a moment?

Is there something that happens?

Are you like, look at your pornomag and you're like, me, just like Dick, or something like that

I think so honestly you know the internet was coming around I just started typing in gay and just wanted to check it out yeah I was like maybe this is for me what was the first thing you saw that you were like oh I how do I get to do that you know it's a butthole yeah so

he saw and he wanted to do that yeah

a feminine man and I was like all right yes that and then just moved on from there.

How do you, how do you, and then how do you, well, you go to your parents and you go, hey, how do I get to more buttholes in my life?

When did you?

My dad was like, become a trucker, truck stops.

There you go.

When did your parents find out you were gay?

How did they know?

When do you think they caught on?

I'm not sure because I would say not till I told them they weren't positive.

My brother knew right away because he kept taking my computer before I could erase the search history.

Oh, shit.

Your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick before my account got hacked.

What the fuck is that black guy fucking that other black guy for?

And your brother let you know that he knows.

he had yeah he didn't did he keep it a secret yeah he did he didn't he didn't care at all he didn't bother

I like how vague you were with your searches too like just gay

there's a cock I'll look at it I don't care we'll figure it out yeah it was yeah what should we have just started I don't know

do you remember the first time you blew a guy yeah

where was it yeah tell us about it

paint the picture for us

stone cold like

what a way to kick off the show

I was at my house.

I invited someone over.

I thought he was, I had an inkling he was also gay.

And I was

the

fucking airplane.

I don't know anyone who doesn't look like me.

Right.

Most people I think are gay.

He's over at your house.

Hoping.

It was like, oh, do you want to watch porn?

Yeah.

Put on porn.

And then, yeah, you're saying what?

Like a bunch of guys haven't watched porn with their friends and just tried to touch it once.

Like,

no, no, it's just a gay guy thing.

Yeah.

That is what the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, you don't.

Fuck that.

I am not a gay guy.

I won't even look at a cock.

It's all good.

Hey, hey, agree to disagree.

Agree to disagree.

And then just like, oh, what is it?

Did you make a serious move on him, or did you try joking your way into it?

Joking.

I think it was.

Yeah, that's hard, huh?

No,

it was like, you know, hands are hand.

How you can't tell a duncane a guy's hand and a girl's hand?

Like that kind of thing.

You You held his hand?

No, stroking his cock.

That's less gay than holding his hand.

Yeah.

I'm not that gay.

That's fag shit.

Yeah.

Both of those are t-shirts.

I'm not that gay.

That's fag shit.

A great t-shirt.

Now, when you touched it, was it, are you still friends with the guy who you jerked?

Is he gay too now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's kind of sweet.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're still friends.

We reminisce about it.

Do you really?

Yeah.

Once in a while.

We are still friends.

It's fine.

Yeah, it's great.

What's he do for work?

It's a good question.

Coding.

Coding?

Yeah, like data shows.

Coding you with his comp?

That was funny.

How's New York City treating you?

Where did you live before?

Vegas?

No, Connecticut.

Oh, Connecticut.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you're in the middle of New York City now?

What's that like for you?

What do you do there to have fun?

A lot of metal concerts, go to raids sometimes.

I'm training to be a pro wrestler.

Really?

Yeah.

Thought confession for you.

Stone Cold Steve Aidese over here.

What's your wrestling?

Hasn't kicked in yet.

What's your wrestling

character, yeah?

It's a Big Doom.

Wow.

Yeah.

The cock.

Yeah, and I'm a gay trucker who hates straight people.

Okay, so it's pretty.

Pretty much is me.

Do we get to find out what you're transporting?

You said you drive trucks, right?

So what are you taking across state like, what are you taking from like what if you drove a truck are we talking about my character what i actually did as a trucker can i finish my sentence for a second

are you so what for are you you're a real truck driver i was yeah so you were yeah so what were you driving in the truck if you were taking a truck from like austin to dallas what would be in the truck uh steel pipe yeah

wow

was that the name of the guy you were sucking up

i'm warming up i'm warming up did you mean to haul that or did you say put some pipe in the rear and they went okay and then

yeah that's better they knew i could handle it yeah you can take a big load.

Peter, what's something that we would be surprised to know about you?

There's the fart noise for the episode.

Out early tonight.

Seven minutes in.

There you go.

Red ban is red banning.

Before we let you go, something that would surprise us about you.

I recently just did comedy in China.

Okay.

We're talking about the female wrestler.

Okay.

Found the most manly woman you could.

Have you ever been with a woman?

Long time ago.

And tell us about that.

What was it like?

What happens when a gay guy touches a vagina?

I mean, if you're a bitch, you're like, eh, but I'm like, eh, whatever, let's try it.

Okay.

But yeah, I met this like punk rock couple as a bisexual guy.

This is great.

Is my dad here?

No, all right.

No.

He was.

He was.

He left.

Yeah, it's fine.

Like, I had no goddamn idea.

Jesus Christ, Peter.

And your brother kept it secret from me?

Fuck.

No, he's on Grinder, too.

He doesn't want to bump into him anymore.

I met a guy at this party.

He was by.

He invited me to

hook up with him and his girl.

So, you know, they started blowing me.

I tried fucking her a little bit.

And then he fucked her, and I just fucked him while he fucked her.

When you say...

I'm going to need you to write that down.

I'm sorry, but I was here, then I was here, and then somebody was inside somebody.

What are you doing in the circle?

What the fuck was

so when you say you tried to her i mean there it is right it's warm it's wet it's a hole explain like what happens and you're just like for me i was just i was like all right i that's enough all right i want i was like all right this i'm i want to i want to him that's why i showed up right you know so right did it feel good though did it turn you on or were you like there's no in here right yeah that's the part i don't get yeah that's exactly right i don't get it because if it's warm and it's moist and it works, and there's like you could the dude's still there, right?

So it's kind of like I was just wanted to fuck the other person.

I just wanted to give that's what I was there for, and I decided.

I was like, hey, this is fine.

I'm going onto the asshole now.

So the guy in the middle, you're fucking him while he fucks his wife.

Yeah.

Was he just fucking going, Thank you, you're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Yeah, it was the weirdest seesaw ever.

What's his name, Lucky Devil?

Taketh and giveth.

Well,

Peter, you got tonight's episode started with a bang.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Are you in town Thursday?

Yeah, I'm here all month.

There you go.

You're doing the secret show.

Oh, awesome, bro.

Thank you guys so much.

Have a great night.

Enjoy the rest of the day.

Peter Angelo, his second time ever on this show.

He was pulled out of the bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada.

And now, our first bucket pull of the night.

Wow, you know what that sound means.

Heidi is here, everyone.

The lovely Heidi.

Absolutely incredible.

There she is.

One more time for Heidi, everyone.

All right.

To the bucket we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen.

We're going to meet them all together.

This is where we've met all of our regulars all of our golden ticket winners ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night quinn pastura ladies and gentlemen quinn pastura

that's way too tall for me

i know what a lot of you guys were thinking you know you heard a val at the end of my name you're like he's italian and you're right unfortunately

But I know a lot of people know stereotypes about Italians.

Something like that.

They always do something like that.

And I was talking to a fellow the other day, and he started doing Italian stereotypes.

He started telling me, I was like, oh, what else do you know about Italians?

Teach me about Italians, you wise man.

He goes, well, you know, the first thing I know about Italians is they get really upset about things.

And I started yelling at him.

I got fucking pissed.

I was like, hey, dude, you can't, we don't get upset about things.

We get very passionate about things, okay?

So cool your jets, dude.

What else do you know about Italians?

What the fuck else do you know about Italians?

And he goes, oh, the other thing I know about Italians is that they're all really good cooks.

And I felt like a jackass for inviting this guy to my dinner party.

I swear to God.

I was cooking for a racist.

This is terrible.

And this is the real kicker.

He had to bend over about a foot because I'm only five foot six.

And he goes, the other thing I know about you little Italian bastards is you're all criminals.

And I swear to God, I would have cooked this guy's ass if I wasn't a felon.

Okay, Quinn Pasteura, ladies and gentlemen.

He's Italian.

He's Italian.

Hi, quinn how are you i'm doing excellent how old are you 26 26 where are you from kentucky okay and are you visiting here you still live in kentucky i live here okay been here for six months how long have you lived six months and what do you do for work i work at a bar over on east sixth okay what do you do at the bar i am a lowly doorman a doorman check ids okay very interesting uh

and how long have you been doing stand-up about a year and a half a year and a half And you've lived here for six months.

Yes.

You think that's your best minute that you just did?

I thought so.

Okay.

Well,

it's hard.

Honestly, the business is overrun with Kentucky Italians.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm Italian.

I know for a fact Tony Caruso is Italian.

Yeah.

To Tony.

This is an episode of Kill Tonies.

I found it all

kind kind of a, let's just say that if it was an Italian dish, it would be a marinara with no garlic, no onion, no seasoning.

Really just.

Mashed tomatoes, if you will.

I mean, I'm German too, so that kind of fits.

I guess my German side was coming out.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, I would have rather watched a set from Chef Boyard.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Who was that guy, by the way?

You know that guy who screamed out doing your shit?

He was like, oh, yeah, yeah.

Who was that guy?

I couldn't even hear.

Was there a real Italian in here somewhere?

There was somebody that immediately heckled you.

There was a man in the audience that recognized.

It is hard to believe.

We always have to be the sound of the audience.

That's our problem.

So it was a little slow, I think.

A little slow.

You were a little tentative.

Next time you might want to come out just a little bit more, get to a punchline a little fast.

That's all.

It's a little quicker if you can.

You meandered just a bit, but I understand you were getting to it.

Let's figure out more about you, Quinn.

Stuff you could talk about, because you're just talking about the most broad of all broad things, which is being Italian, which is hard for even an Italian to talk about.

Because it's broad, right?

It's old.

Yeah, we cook.

Yeah,

there's some crime, right?

Try not to get too niche.

I've been doing Slaughterhouse Five Jokes for the last week, but those haven't been hitting.

What's that mean?

What does that mean?

It's a book that most of us read in junior of high school, but

that's why I kind of had to stop doing it because a lot of people, I figured out, didn't do it.

I didn't do it either.

I just read it last week.

What's the plot of the slaughterhouse?

So it's a crazy.

I was a joker.

I was a joker.

So Quinn, tell us something about your real life.

Like, what are you into?

What are some hobbies, some passions of yours?

I mean,

just like every other nerd, I like history.

I'm very big into it.

I was one of the first guys at my university to major in cannabis history.

Surprise, surprise, he's a pothead.

It's pretty sick.

I did my whole research project on the Emerald triangle and like the boom and bus cycle in it i got to do some really cool interviews and explore up there and then there's some like wacko taco bullshit that i think you guys know about like the carthaginians and stuff the what the carthaginians oh this is like a deep dive we had to do a deep dive you guys want to hear some shit no we're all right but um yeah we did

but uh you smoke weed yep yeah how much uh how much weed do you smoke a day like and what do you do do you work while you're high or uh usually not yeah it's just kind of a a nighttime thing or what?

Yeah, typically.

Have you had a really bad trip on pot?

Like, any fun stories there?

Oh, yeah.

There's one show around here.

It's called.

Can I tag another show?

Am I allowed to do that?

Well, I don't know.

Come on.

Say something funny before you start promoting things.

I get two fucking crazy shout outs to all my projects.

No, I was just saying I got too high there all the time because you make it too high.

And every time I do it, just like, now I'm like, should I move to Austin?

Am I freaking out?

That's my favorite thing about pot.

I could smoke smoke it.

You know, I used to smoke it all the time.

I could tell myself, I'm not an addict.

I was an addict.

It was unfortunate.

Talk to me about the Carthaginians.

I want to know what the Carthaginians are and if we have disagreeable theories on them.

Okay, so...

I think they were all fat homosexual truckers.

That actually, no, that.

That checks out.

They did travel the world.

They did do trade.

They came to North America.

I think so.

What's the trashiest thing you ever saw in all your years in Kentucky?

The trashiest thing I've ever seen in all my years.

You were in Kentucky.

You know what it is.

Yeah.

What was it?

Anything?

Yes.

I don't know.

There's a lot.

I live next to a Greyhound station, so there's like a constant amount of cars going on and out of there.

That was pretty tough.

I saw my dad's car go in there once.

You saw your dad's cargo in where?

The Greyhound station.

Uh-huh.

Are there buses or dogs?

Well, there was...

A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head.

This interview is so rough.

This guy just fucking...

This is rough, Quinn.

Did someone in Kentucky tell you that you're funny and that you should move to Austin?

I said the scariest part.

Oh, God.

What's the answer?

Yes.

I don't think so.

No one did.

This was your own idea.

Oh, no.

People did tell me I was funny, but again, it's Kentucky, and so we don't have good education there.

Right.

Right.

Do you recognize that song?

I do.

Yes.

Your parents white trash?

They Kentucky trash no they're pretty cool yeah what do they do for work uh my dad he it does accounting for a pressure washing firm so that actually is pretty trap yeah yeah pretty tragic pressure washing he's got his hands full of water and then my mom oh god she does it for a waste management company yeah so that's pressure washing and waste management

Wow.

This was a waste.

And then you are a door guy on 6th Street.

I am.

Did you enjoy going there, though?

You were there like two weeks ago.

Oh, you had a stalker, Tony.

You got a stalker.

Where was I?

Here we go.

This is what people do when their interviews suck.

You walked by me.

No, no, no, no.

I wasn't there.

I wasn't.

I don't.

I have no.

Well, what?

I don't know.

Maybe you remembered spots that you go.

I don't.

Did you?

Maybe I do.

I don't know.

What's the name of the place?

I wasn't at the Liberty.

You're saying I walked by the Liberty?

No, no.

I was doing...

sound and uh doing a show over at narbar but uh this is like a weird crazy misconnection yeah you were walking by the liberty i was jerking off onto a chip like the craziest tradition when people really really bomb as hard as they can they go i saw you once on the sidewalk you remember

no

no

how would that how would that stand out did somebody tell you i was inside of the bar that you work at yeah um it was you and ari they said they literally like named you they're like hey they were here last night ari shafir yeah there's there's a zero zero percent chance that that happened the liberty okay

we got it in I mean I didn't see you I was just old so I you're just trying to start a little conversation here.

Yeah, yeah, and we also landed on the valve nothing else is working

Unbelievable one of the dumbest things someone can do is just reference you remember

you weren't even there.

I know what kind of bar is the liberty It's like a little die bar.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's pretty sick.

All right.

Yeah, it's a good time.

What's okay?

I ask one question before you leave what's the uh what's like the the biggest thing in Kentucky?

You go to Koducky.

Tony goes back to Katuke.

There's nothing.

There's nothing there.

And I have to go across the river to Cincinnati for there to be something, and there's hardly anything there.

There you go.

Here's a little joke book.

You're going to catch it?

There you go.

Quinn pasteura for the love of God.

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Ladies and gentlemen, this is very, very exciting.

I pulled the name out of the bucket of a young man who works here all the time.

This is very special.

I have no idea if he's even ever signed up before.

This is truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

I think maybe he's been on this show in LA.

It's been a long time.

Either way, you slice it.

Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known: this is a new minute from Asan Ahmad, everybody.

Make some noise for Assan, everybody.

So, Israel and Palestine

just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them.

The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which take the context of everything that happened outside of it away, that does sound like a great day with the boys.

You know what I mean?

Just smoking weed in the cave, just Abdul, get the paragliders.

Holy shit, Abdul, it's working.

It's working.

Just two flags on your paraglider, one Palestinian, the other says Saturdays are for the boys.

You know, just fucking

committing a terrorist attack to a rave to techno.

Just dig it, dig it, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad, digging, digging, digging, dad.

That was Sandstorm by Darude, in case you missed it.

I don't know if you guys.

I've been a son of Mod.

Asana Mod.

Oh

my God.

Wow.

Coming up here, cleaning up after a fucking bore of Kentucky.

Holy shit.

You know what's funny?

He was talking about the Liberty, and I was like, Tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shafir the night of the picture.

Wait.

No, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't.

You're being funny.

That was not it.

That was one of them.

That was the white horse.

No, the picture was that white horse.

No, Liberty's West.

We went east.

Okay, okay.

I thought I thought.

Liberty's East.

Oh, okay.

Maybe we...

We were on a bar crawl.

That's what Ari wanted to do.

Which fucking one was the Liberty?

I have no idea, but I know that's one of the.

Let's get the Liberty real quick.

There's no way.

Isn't the Liberty fucking West?

It's East.

I was there?

Fuck.

The poor guy.

I'm like, fuck you.

You're not funny.

Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, it's definitely just blatantly east.

Same street, but that way.

It is literally just five minutes just due east on 6th Street.

Same side of the road.

My location is still there.

I'm still at the Liberty.

There's a blue dot.

Holy shit, the poor guy.

The poor guy.

Well, now he's going to be a hero.

Quinn, I can just hear the internet.

Quinn, your comedy sucked, but dude, you got Tony good.

You're geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony Adgecliffe.

Ari Shafir absolutely insisted that to celebrate his

special release on Netflix, he wanted to go east and do a shot and a drink at every single.

Did I talk about this last week?

Yes, we literally talked about it.

Yeah,

and fucking, God,

that was one of those nights.

Yes.

Asan, you were along with us and we had a blast.

Yeah, he was right.

Yeah, he was right.

It ended up working out.

You're so funny, man.

That fucking making that stuff funny,

that is fucking great.

Really?

It's so odd.

I love the angle you took.

To hear a Jews say that in the U.S.

Community.

Hamazil Tub is going to be my new catchphrase.

We go Habsies on it, but that's great.

You're pretty good.

You can have it.

It's yours.

You're a letter.

You guys heard it.

It was really funny.

You're very sharp.

You're very quick.

I like the pace.

Yeah, it's great.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Assan, always killing it.

Always

part of the actual scene here.

I mean, the equivalent to like a high-level comedy store

paid regular.

You are the equivalent to here.

One of the first people from LA to move here with your homie and podcast co-host, Derek Poston, who we all love.

You've actually been the one-man panel on an episode in 2022.

I've been on the panel three times, but I had this Israel-Palestine joke, and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it.

I'll sign up for Kill Tony and see what happens.

I love it when my buddies sign up for the show and are lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket.

Happened with Matt Edgar a few weeks ago, and now you.

What else is going on in life, Hassan?

What have you been learning?

You're kind of like, how long you been doing this?

Ooh, 12 years.

12 years, and that's at a comedy store level.

You are a former comedy store door guy.

Oh, yeah.

I watched, I watched this.

I watched it.

I started working when this show was was in the belly room.

Yep.

The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing.

So I was like, when I get up here, just start the joke.

You only have a minute.

Why waste the time?

Exactly.

You are absolutely correct.

How does your hair go like that?

Come on, we're all thinking it.

Well, you're funny.

You're funny.

You're funny.

But like, what the

middle day is.

The grace of Allah.

You got a little fucking Gaza strip right down the middle there.

That shit is unbelievable.

Holy shit.

Reminds me of the Bar of the Liberty.

I love it.

San, what else is going on?

Tell us something else crazy about your life before we get you out of here.

I...

Huh.

I mean, I've taken you to your homeland, San Jose,

right?

Well, yeah, yeah, not his homeland.

Sant Jose.

Hey, I like that.

And I've met your adorable parents, your tiny, tiny, absolutely adorable little, super tiny Indian parents.

I mean, they are just the cutest things you've ever seen.

I do have the most adorable parents.

They really are.

You're like a giant compared to them.

Yeah, I am 5'6, and I'm 6 inches taller than both of them.

Yeah.

I'm the tall guy in my family.

It's great.

They bring you home free chocolate after work every day.

They are very, very short, yet somehow they are both 7-11 and 9-11.

It is incredible.

Is incredible.

For those of you that don't know, Ahsan is the new head of the FBI.

I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to that.

Watch out, Mexicans.

I'm coming.

That's right.

That's right.

It's going to sneak right up on you, people.

He's brown, too.

What can Brown do for you?

Okay, Hassan, so much fun.

Great stuff, as always.

I'll fucking see you tomorrow.

We'll do it again.

We do stand-up together all the time.

One of the best, uh,

one of the best comedians around.

Killing it, growing, thriving.

Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

And your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake Kennedy.

Time for Jake Kennedy.

Make some noise for Jake, everybody.

I come from your typical normal-sized family, you know?

My sister's six-foot, my mom's six-foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me.

Really stunning my growth growing up.

Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special.

I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp.

Said, mom, I already get bullied.

You know?

So, nevertheless, I went and it's exactly what you guys are thinking.

They gather all the little people from all the little villages.

They put them in a ring, and we fight to the death.

You know, it's a cruel world.

My girlfriend just dumped me.

I was talking to a buddy about it and just telling him how, you know, I was coming in between her career goals, you know, and he just looked at me and said, dude, that bitch works at Applebee's.

Nevertheless, don't call her a bitch.

She doesn't like that.

That's my time.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

Jake Kennedy, welcome to the show.

This is your first time on, right?

Yes, sir.

Okay, welcome.

Jim Norton.

I just, I'm, your son was just out here.

You were really.

You are adorable.

I can't tell whether you're a little person or a huge midget.

What is the actual deal?

I know you like to guess.

What do you think I have?

Ah, fucking

that sucksism.

Downstream.

What is it?

I have dwarfism or herpes.

You can have both.

Who you've been talking to?

No, I have a disease called spondylowepimetaphysial dysplasia.

Oh my god, tell us what that is exactly.

In a bunch of words, it's like I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth.

Whoa.

So I actually...

What the fuck, Red Man?

What the fuck?

Literally the worst sound effect you could have played right there.

It's party time.

Spiked bones.

That is a great band name.

All right, all right.

Is that really what you have?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or if you're like a really short mailman that your father hates.

I don't ask questions.

How tall are you?

Like five?

Five two.

Five two.

Wow, five, two.

What do you dupeity do for a living?

We've had a guy that loves hanging out in chocolate factories.

Peter Angelo was on earlier.

That's an asshole joke, by the way, because he's a fat gay guy.

All right, back to you.

You're dressed like a baby swim coach.

Yeah,

It is adorable.

That's a tough cake to get, so that's not an insult.

Like a $50.

Very tiny soprano.

Tiny soprano.

Forever 21 inches.

I love this getup.

You're absolutely a cutie pie.

This is how people dress teddy bears and shit.

Up to your chest, king.

This is the most compliments I've ever gotten, so I want to thank you guys.

You're taking it and strike.

That's a compliment.

Now,

what do you, so what did you, what are you asking the question?

I asked the question.

This fucking guy.

Ever since you started working with that Dr.

Phil character, you have this new hostie thing that you tried.

So, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you?

We're watching you think about the question.

All right, all right, I'll pick him up.

No,

oh,

oh,

he's got spiked bones.

Be careful.

Wait a second.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I bet you he's heavy.

I can tell by the look.

I can tell by the look on Tony Caruso's face.

This motherfucker's heavier than he thought he'd be.

That's a fucking dead weight.

I think I got spike bones.

Fuck.

I fucked that up.

Edit it out, Yoni.

Two Tonys and a Spike Boney.

This is a party in here tonight.

Jake Kennedy, how long you been doing stand-up?

This is my first time ever, Tony.

Wow, look at that.

That's a good first time.

The goat of the first time.

How old are you?

25.

25 years old.

Absolutely adorable.

25 years old.

I guess the math works.

He has the body of a 12-year-old and the face of a 40-year-old.

This is incredible.

You just got to do the math, divide it by two, figure it out.

What do you do for work, Jake Kennedy?

I'm a violinist.

You're a professional violinist?

Do you know what?

No fucking ways.

Yeah.

No.

No, he can't reach the notes up there.

That left hand.

He needs a tiny little cello.

What's the tiniest?

Even a harmonica is a two-handed adventure for you.

I cannot picture you.

You professionally play the violin for a living.

Where can people see you?

I work on a pirate ship.

Hold on.

Holy.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I was going to say that.

You do it.

You do it.

We'll be right back.

I mean, you're like the movie Jack.

You ever seen the movie Jack?

All right.

Yeah, this out, Yoni.

Okay, so when did you start playing the violin?

When I was 10.

Wow.

And look at you now.

You make a good living doing that?

I can sustain myself, kind of.

Yeah.

You know.

Where's this?

How far is your violin from here right now?

It's at my house in I'm on East 10th.

Oh, shit.

Oh, well, Jesus Christ.

Keep it in, Yoni.

Keep it in.

How far away?

How many minutes away is it?

Like 10.

I have an electric bike, so like 10 minutes.

Can you hop on your electric bike, go grab your violin, and then we'll close out the episode with a little song

from Jake Kennedy?

Is that okay?

Here, take this on your way.

There you go.

Don't let it crush you.

Jake Kennedy.

Hey, you know what?

You know what?

It's only fitting.

Jesus Christ, Tony, sit the fuck down.

It's only fitting you get a little joke book, too.

Jake Kennedy has arrived.

He will be back in a little bit.

A very little tiny bit.

Oh, my goodness.

Jake Kennedy.

Wow.

How adorable is Jake Kennedy?

I cannot wait to to see him play a tiny little violin later.

What was this going to be?

That's like a thing.

He probably plays the world's smallest violin.

That's like a figure of speech.

We're going to do it tonight.

He's going to take his little tiny electric scooter.

And everyone in the city is going to be like, look at that happy little guy.

What's he so happy about?

He's out there like a little rubber ducky.

And he's going to be smiling ear to ear.

Hopefully he makes it back okay all in one piece.

He's out there riding around on these streets with spiked bones.

Taking a chance.

He's just out there like a little fucking absolutely adorable thing.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse, and and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

All right, let's get back to this bucket and then we'll get a regular up here.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it.

We're going to meet them all together.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Frank DeMint.

Frank DeMint.

Look at fun bucket pulls tonight.

Hi, y'all.

My name's Frank DeMint.

I realize I sound like the love child of Barbara Waters and Mike Tyson.

Something between the bishop on Princess Pride and Barry Cryptia Big Bang Theory.

And maybe a little bit of Elma Fudd.

Where's that rascally rabbit?

My mother, she didn't help me out much.

She named my brother Nick.

I can pronounce Nick.

She names me Frank.

But it could have been worse.

It could have been Francis or Francisco, or worse of all, Roy.

How about if my last name had been O'Wally, Roy O'Wally and his brother Corey?

What a disaster that would have been.

Who is the asshole that put the ass in Lisp?

I think it was Shakespeare, that slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, motherfucker.

And who's the asshole over at Appa that came up with Siri, huh?

Bad some pot-haired computer geek thinking of a guy like me saying, Siri, where is Riley White, the real white?

Siri, where was your brother's womba room and rotisserie?

Siri, where is Sally C.

Shell?

She's Jack, motherfucker, motherfucker.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna cut you off before that bear interrupts you.

Frank DeMint has arrived in the Keltoni universe.

Holy shit.

Oh my god, where do I even begin?

That is absolutely incredible.

You keep the last comedian in that little pocket on the front of your shirt there.

As our comedy duo.

Absolutely incredible.

Frank, I have about two million questions for you right now.

Let's just get it going.

First, I want to check and see Jim Norton.

What do you think?

I have loved you ever since you threw Mama from the train.

Thank you.

That's a reference.

The bitch deserved it.

This is incredible.

Yeah, speaking of mama, you look like the mom from the Goonies.

Yeah.

That's a compliment.

That's a great part.

This is incredible.

You look like such a character.

You're built for comedy.

How long you been doing it?

Going on six years.

Okay.

Where at?

Where exactly?

What fucking news?

Columbus, Ohio.

Columbus, Ohio.

Holy shit.

Did you ever walk by a bar and see Tony Inchcliffe?

Very good.

So, Columbus, Ohio, you still live there?

I actually live in Kingston, Ohio.

Oh.

Okay.

Which is about an hour south of Columbus.

Kingston?

Yeah.

Neil Chillicarthy.

I know you're from Youngstown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, gee, I love your delivery system.

This is absolutely incredible.

You're such a likable guy.

How do you make a living?

I'm retired currently.

What are you retired?

I practiced medicine for 27 years.

You were a doctor?

Yes, I was.

Oh, my God.

Can you fucking imagine?

Wait, can you fucking imagine?

Wait, are you going to put the major or mug anybody take it?

Who's coming in and telling you you got to wait?

to pay for it.

All right, here's the shade.

All right.

I just got.

My whole system just got overloaded.

I'm so glad you're here, right?

I love you, Tony.

Here we go.

All right, hold on.

We're the patients.

You got to tell us that we both got age, okay?

Yeah.

Red man, hit me with some hospital music.

There's no real hospital music.

Okay, here we go.

All right, very good.

Thank you.

Okay, hello, doctor.

Yes,

we've been waiting for your arrival.

It's been a long wait, by the way.

Me and my husband.

I know it.

It sucks.

Oh, God.

Geez, this is not good.

This is not good.

Okay.

You're a doctor?

Are you the only doctor?

I'm it.

Yeah, you're fucked.

Oh, my God.

What do we have?

You have age, motherfucker.

Oh, shit.

Oh,

my God.

This is will we-willy willey bad news.

Oh

my.

Can you say that to all folks for me?

All folks for you.

What?

Never mind.

Yeah.

Okay.

Looking to his reference.

So Frank, you were like a general doctor?

Yeah, family.

So you were Dr.

Frank DeMint.

That's good.

Holy shit, that is incredible.

Did you always have your hair like that and facial hair?

Is this more of a retired look?

Yeah.

Were you ever married?

Do you ever have kids?

Married twice.

Married twice.

Okay.

No kids.

No kids.

Why do you think that is?

How do you think you ended up being so lucky to not have kids?

I don't know.

Hopefully I'm infertile.

That's the hope.

A guy like you, I would totally have expected you to spread your sheed.

Spread my seed.

I love how you roll with everything.

You have a great sense of humor.

So six years you've been doing it based out of Columbus, Ohio.

So you've been doing the funny bone.

Yeah.

Right.

And other places.

Yeah.

What do you do for fun?

What does a retired doctor do for fun?

Actually, just the comedy is mostly.

Let me ask you this.

You had two wives.

How did the first one end?

You cheat on her?

No.

Okay, what happened?

Well, it was one of those things.

She was a high school dropout, and I was a college dropout.

And I grew and she didn't.

How are you a doctor and a college dropout?

Well, at the time, I'm not.

You went at the time.

Then I went to college.

I went to the army and then I went to college.

What the fuck did you do in the army?

I was a medical lab tech.

Wow.

Absolutely.

They asked me to go into linguistics, but I said, well, I'm not fucking this language up bad enough.

You name it a fucking

other one?

Always kind of had a speech impediment.

All my life.

Where do you think that comes from?

How does that happen?

You were a former doctor.

Where do you think?

How does that even happen?

I have no idea.

I don't know of any trauma, but I understand my father sounded like this, but he grew out of it and I didn't.

Wow.

His father hit him.

And your dad didn't want to do that to you.

How old are you, Frank?

66.

Wow, what a terrible age for a guy with your speech impediment.

Literally the worst year.

600 and 66 and

in six days days I turned seven to seven.

Jesus Christ Almighty, that thing is aggressive.

Just lie about your age next time.

You're 42.

You're way over 50.

What is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or like they ask you a question, do you ever get in your head?

You go, fuck, I don't want to say that.

You seem like a pretty confident, fearless guy, which I think.

Yeah, well, there's sort of three words that people don't understand.

Full, willed, and whale.

I have no idea what's going on right now.

I think you just put a curse on me.

What the fuck did you just say?

You say whale, forward, and wet?

Whale.

Whale.

And the problem is, I like my steak medium whale.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You know, if I were the waiter, I think you would say,

I heard you say you like your steak medium whale.

Yeah, that's what they usually say.

You want that whale done?

I said, no, I don't want shoe leather.

I want it wet in the middle, but that didn't help much either, did it?

Do you have like a long tongue or something like that?

I'm trying to figure this out.

I don't know, I started eating pushy at the age of 13, though.

Oh, hell yeah, absolutely.

And I think my tongue became a little muscle-bound.

Okay, and did people tell you you were good at it?

Did the lady, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay,

you can lick it, just don't say it.

Wow,

wow, great.

I'm taking that catchphrase.

Incredible.

So the second marriage, how did that end?

I cheated on her.

Oh

my God.

Can you look at those women's faces?

Just like, how the fuck is that possible?

Wait, please tell me you set her down and you go, so look, you're about to experience a little bit of trauma.

I've been eating another pussy.

The goal is always guinea.

I've been fucking my sweetster.

Do you have like extra teeth or like is it like what's what's the is it's the tongue thing

your dad grew out of it.

How did he grow out of it?

I don't know.

Most people grow out at this.

Yeah.

So do you think a lot of your patients back in the day

always got a second opinion?

Like

it seems very risky putting their lives in your hands.

You just being like, your blood was all just not good.

I think we're not going to start to eat, but

I mean, it's like incredible.

It's amazing the life that you had.

So you saved enough money from being a doctor for how long were you a doctor?

27 years.

27

years.

Thank you for your service.

And you saved enough money to be able to just live your dreams and do whatever you want in comedy, basically.

More or less.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You own a house?

Yes.

And you have a car?

Yes.

What kind of car do you have?

I have a Hyundai Ionyx yeah I'm a cheap bastard okay all right what's the nicest thing you've ever bought for yourself since you I had a Mercedes once oh what ended up happening with that

I

I had some economical situations and I had to sell it right and would that be the divorce and I'm glad

I'm glad I mean it was a pain in the butt it was always expensive to do upkeep on it yes

yes parts on Mercedes are expensive

Did you get killed in the divorce?

Did you get killed in the divorces

financially?

Well, the first one.

The second one, I have a pre-nup.

Nothing better.

Yeah, yeah, you learn, man.

You learn.

That pre-nup is critical.

Yeah.

You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I'm serious.

I would love if you would step in.

I don't know what you charge, what your rates are.

Is it a co-pay, but can I just text you?

There's a lot of things of like,

is this bad?

Like, there'll be a spot on my cuck, and I'll be like, hey, is this

anytime?

You know what I think we should do?

I think you guys should go behind that curtain.

I think you should check your process.

Right now.

How does that sound, Tony?

Look at that finger.

Do that again.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, get back there.

And then,

Tony, if you want to stick your face out of the curtain while he does it, you can feel free to do do that.

Tony, oh,

they might be making love by this point.

I don't know what's happening.

This may have been a crazy idea.

Oh, there it is.

Okay.

Here we go.

Tony says, whenever you're ready, let's see.

I think we're probably...

Oh, okay.

Okay, come back out, Frank.

Okay.

He's so adorable.

He almost stayed back there.

I'm not even joking.

He put a little bit of his finger on my butt.

I wish I was joking.

I thought that was a bit, but he actually put a finger in between my legs.

Nobody could see him, yet he's still committed to the bit.

Give it up for this guy.

That was...

Wow.

Absolutely.

I'm going to need a new pair of pants and a new doctor.

Frank, you are a fucking little angel.

Welcome to the Kiltony universe.

You are absolutely going to be loved by the people.

When you came out, I thought this guy looks silly as hell.

We're going gonna have a lot of fun talking to him but the comedy is probably not gonna be there and boy you absolutely crushed the room I loved it you are as funny as you look you are as funny as you sound I love how you make fun of yourself and laugh at the jokes welcome welcome come back sign up again

All different shapes and sizes of people here.

Absolutely anything can happen.

We pull names out of a bucket and that is where we find all of our regulars out here changing lives, giving people an opportunity.

Like your next comedian, who is one of the top regulars in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute.

This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

That's the only guy on earth that sounds worse than me.

That nigga talked it terrible.

That was horrible, dog.

And

I just said talked it.

So that's how I feel about it.

I got a new girlfriend now.

It's the dumbest shit I ever did in my life.

Don't woo for that.

Pretty stupid.

My girlfriend, she pretty.

That's a problem.

I hate that.

I only dated ugly girls by design before.

Because I like ugly women.

Because you can mold an ugly bitch.

So if you want them to be, where they gonna leave you?

Where you gonna go, doo-doo?

you stuck with me forever

we locked it for life you ugly whore i love you though you feel me cuz a bad bitch she know her worth the ugly bitch not gonna go nowhere i had an ugly bitch one time i miss her so much and we had

i miss her a lot dog i remember we was all eating food my homeboy and shit with all their girlfriends and shit like that and they had me a little real dude

But the best thing about it is all my homeboy's girlfriends got their food

before we did, right?

And they started eating.

But my ugly bitch ain't eat.

She waited till I got my food and then my homeboy was like nigga she well trained

and i was like yeah and then i found out the boyfriend used to beat her

thank that man that's her

that's a good guy i appreciate him for that now listen some of y'all didn't clap or laugh at that you look very sad about that man understand something

I'm not saying I would have hit her, but I'm thankful that somebody did, right?

And

that's my time.

Fuck yeah.

Bing, bang, boom.

Cam Patterson.

Another new minute and a half.

Oh, shit.

Okay, hell yeah.

I love it.

The full fucking thing.

You've done it again.

Not easy to do a new minute every single week.

This shit tough.

It really is.

Shit tough still.

I hear all the time about,

you know,

we're doing stand-up all the other nights of the week, and you hear like, oh, that was just a da-da-da-da.

Cam had a great set.

Cam was here.

Cam was there.

Ari's here.

Ari's there.

Everybody's working hard.

Hell yeah.

Always writing.

It's incredible what we're doing here.

And to see you do it, it's insane.

Hell yeah.

Yeah,

hell yeah.

How's things been going?

It's been good, man.

I've been pretty cool, man.

Shit, been dope.

I just did Deion Sanders show on Tubi.

My dad really excited about that.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Primetime?

Yeah, hell yeah.

How was he?

It was dope.

He was cool as shit, man.

Deion Sanders was the man.

He's a good dude, man.

That's a funny show.

Is it stand-up or?

Nah, it's like a talk show.

It was cool if I ended up being on real TV and shit.

They had gave me like makeup.

That felt gay.

I ain't like that at all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not gay.

Nothing.

I mean, look, look.

I'm cool with the gays.

Look at the

music.

Wearing makeup is just

fine.

Nah.

Nah, makeup pretty gay, man.

Makeup work on you?

What the fuck that mean, right, man?

Yeah, what exactly...

What the fuck does that mean at all, man?

What exactly did they do?

Huh?

What exactly did they do?

What kind of makeup do they have?

They had regular.

A lady came in and did shit to my face.

What was it?

What color was the shit?

I don't know.

I didn't ask no questions.

I was you didn't look.

You didn't, you weren't.

I didn't want to know.

I didn't want to know.

You lost your eyes?

Yeah.

She probably put powder on you because you look like you were baptized in Hennessy.

You know what I'm saying?

You got to just dab it up and clean you up a little bit.

You're an attractive guy.

What the fuck that even me, man?

I don't know.

This is what he looked like before the makeup.

Is he going to a funeral?

Where are you going?

Who died, man?

who the fuck is dressed in d madness man

i love it you got on a uh you got on a turtle suit you know that he's got a bolo on tonight it's fun it's fun seeing what d madness wears it's fun getting to tell d madness what he's wearing tonight

it's the only person you get to break the news to

you won't believe this shit nigga you

You dressed for Prince's funeral, nigga.

This shit is crazy.

A style king.

We bust his balls a lot, but meanwhile, he is weakly the best-dressed band member on the show.

You would think they're all blind.

But no.

They just don't fucking...

Michael Gonzalez has been wearing a fucking upside-down nacho bowl for the last year.

No one's talking about it.

The old family tortilla over there, the fucking guy.

Absolutely incredible.

So, Cam, you hung out with Deion Sanders.

So you're going to be at some like Colorado game somewhere.

I went to one a couple months ago.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, when I was playing this shit, that shit was dope.

Yeah, I would have noticed you, but everybody on the sideline looks exactly like you.

But I had a Colorado shirt on, and everybody thought I was a recruit.

Yeah.

And I would lying my ass all too.

I'm going.

Hell yeah.

I'm going.

Who knows?

I might come for sure.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Oh, lying like shit.

Yeah, I don't want this to sound racist.

Okay, wait a minute.

That's a terrible start.

I know.

That's one of the worst starts in America.

Well aware of that.

But

is there like a Deion Sanders is known for being a flashy, flare-filled guy, right?

So is there like a cool, like, did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off?

Do you know what I'm saying?

That's a good question.

Was this handshake complex?

Now we both from Florida, so we got the same shit.

We both from Florida, so it's a lot of, you know what I'm saying?

Can you show us, can you air show us what a handshake would Deion Shaw?

Can you do it?

Dude, isn't it?

That fucking guy can't do it.

A white guy in sunglasses.

Why do you have some ass on right now?

He could do it.

Fuck wrong with you, nigga.

And you're looking at your wife like, you better not have to.

Oh, no, look, look.

Go to the Puerto Rican with the gold grill over here.

Here he is.

Oh, oh, oh, that's it?

It was simple.

Oh, come on.

It's real simple.

Tony Caruso has a better handshake than that.

I can show you a blacker handshake than that.

Yeah, let's go.

Come on, Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Follow my lead.

Wait, no, play some cool rap music for me.

Come on.

Give him a good, yeah.

So let's say I walk into like a black nightclub, right?

Which I love, by the way.

I love.

Because you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind.

What are you doing?

I'm usually looking for some big fat black pussy, Tony, but

which is my website, big fat black pussy backslash Tony Caruso.

So let's say I walk into the club and I go, Cam, good to see you.

Yo.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Whoa.

Oh, up top, down low, and the reverse.

fist bump fist bump crisscross double piece work in the rib section.

Oh, and then in

oh, yeah, there it is

Hell yeah

Wow

Wow

Absolutely

and then I call him the n-word

But I can do that in the car on the way home

Cam Patterson, we absolutely love you Congratulations on being you.

One of the top rising stars of the industry, the great Cam Patterson.

Makes a noise for his dad.

Kenny Patterson's in the house somewhere tonight.

We love Kenny Patterson.

We love Kenny.

Sometimes I sound like Trump.

We love his dad.

Raised one of the good ones.

I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone.

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All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ryan Jack, everybody.

Make some noise for Ryan Jack.

We're gonna meet them all together.

This is that episode of Hill Tony.

Hey, you guys,

I'm in therapy.

I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know?

Like, my therapist told me that I have a hard time telling people no.

And then he pulled his pants back up.

Yeah.

That was a tough realization.

That was a hard dick to swallow for sure, you know?

I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know.

Like lately, I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube.

I can't get enough of these videos.

I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos, though, is because they're all titled like porn.

Like every cop video on YouTube I click on is titled like 20-year-old college girl gets what she deserves.

Karen gets physical and learns her lesson you know

man packs heat and shorts all the classics you know

and just like porn the more that I watch these videos the more I start to develop an unrealistic standard for police officers you know

like one time I got arrested and the cop pinned me down to the ground and I was like I can't get hard I'm sorry I can't

He tried tasing me, choking me.

There you go.

Great set.

Ryan Jack, the bucket is powerful tonight.

An incredible, incredible.

Another bucket pull.

Jim Norton, thoughts.

Very funny, and every punchline was hidden.

I didn't see any of them coming.

It was really, really good, man.

None of them were predictable.

Really good writing.

Very funny.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Ryan Jack.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About four years.

Four years.

And you really are in therapy?

I am.

Yeah, yeah.

What types of things, what types of trauma have you had in your life that you talk to your therapist about?

Just mostly daddy issues, shit like that.

My dad calling me retarded and shit all the time.

But you know what?

What are you gonna do?

That's it.

That's how you end up being funny.

Yeah.

Are you Theo Vaughn's kid?

I think so.

Was your principal also a raccoon?

Ryan, where are you from?

I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah.

Salt Lake City, Utah.

Absolutely.

You come from a Mormon family?

No, no, actually.

Both of my parents were raised Mormon, but I'm not.

They kept us in Utah for some reason.

I don't know why.

Absolutely.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Four years?

Four years.

And what do you do for work?

I work at the Dead Rabbit down the straight of the street.

Oh, that's one of the best bars and restaurants in the city.

Yes, that is a place that I have been to, unlike the Liberty.

Too soon.

An incredible fucking place.

Absolutely mind-blowing food and drinks.

It's an award-winning bar.

The only other location is in New York City.

Won all the awards, the second ever location, just a block away here on 6th Street west of here.

Can I ask why your parents didn't raise you Mormon?

Are you supposed to?

I don't know.

I think they just wanted to drink alcoholic shit.

I don't know.

I don't know what their deal was.

Fucking.

Did they drink a lot?

Yeah, a decent amount.

Not too much.

I mean, my dad binges every now and then.

Other than calling you retarded, did he beat you up a little bit?

Yeah, almost.

I think my mom stopped, and my mom was like the saving grace and all of that.

So this trauma, I mean, like, I'm pretty sure everybody here.

I mean, you're the one that brought up the trauma.

I mean,

pretty the one that was like really drilling on the trauma.

I don't know.

It was mostly a happy childhood, but it seems like, you know, this therapist is

pretty easy work cut out for him.

Yeah, yeah, he collects his check and goes.

It's pretty easy.

Is this a weekly thing?

Yeah, I try to keep it like once every couple of weeks, but

yeah, because I'm running out of things to talk about.

It's kind of annoying at this point.

Yeah.

I'm talking about my dad.

That makes sense.

What else have you talked with your therapist about?

Oh, shit.

Just

been

addiction and shit like that.

Okay, let's talk about that.

Let's talk about that.

What have you been addicted to?

What are you addicted to?

Eating pennies and putting your finger in the socket.

Yeah, no,

pretty much.

What have you done?

I've been addicted to a gas station kratom.

Have you heard of that?

Oh shit.

Yeah.

You guys finally someone respects me.

I have some friends that are addicted to that.

They don't know they're addicted to that.

But

there's a couple people that

basically everyone that tries kratom kind of gets a kind of gets a they really like it.

Let's put it that way.

I'm not sure if we have any sponsors right now that are Kratom.

So

what is it?

What is it?

What is that?

It is an herb.

It's a natural herb, much like cocaine and

heroin.

Yeah, they sell this at gas stations and it's considered non-addictive.

And what I've noticed is that people that have been addicted to things, that are trying to not be addicted to things, try this and they get addicted to this.

But they say that they're not addicted to it, but they do a little bit more every single week.

Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now.

That was a great voice.

Yeah,

yeah.

If you like it,

get it from our people, whoever they may be.

Did you ever try it?

Next to sentence all of this.

Yeah,

I don't do anything.

I'm a very, very simple man.

I know.

I don't do it.

I don't go to the liberty.

Yeah.

Ryan Jack.

So you got addicted to Gas Station Kratom.

How wild did things get?

What was your lowest point on gas station kratom?

Did you ever suck a fucking cock for it?

No, I did.

Oh, wow.

Redband.

Buried fast.

Redband.

No, I suck a cock for free.

That's really, I just,

I'm also bisexual.

Oh, so that's sort of just a.

And then buy your own kratom.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

No, I mostly just spend in all my money on that.

You know, that's really it.

Did your dad not like that you were bisexual?

Like, he called you retarded, but was that really the problem?

He ignores it.

I think he doesn't really want to.

Yeah.

I think my dad had my brother.

Has ignored it.

Or just my dad hinted at me being straight, and then my brother was like, oh, Ryan's bisexual.

And I was like, all right, that's cool.

That's fine.

Just don't.

Your brother outies you.

Yeah.

How did you,

and that's how your dad found out?

Yep.

Yeah.

So he's more men and you're more men.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

How did you first know that you were bisexual?

And is it like 50-50?

How does that work?

60-40 women, man?

I say it's like 50-50.

I don't know.

I just always like playing with the boys on the school grounds when I was a kid.

Well,

way to save that there at the end.

The end with the when I was a kid.

When I was a child.

Not now.

We almost found out what your real therapy sessions were about.

All good.

Hell yeah.

So what type of fiddling would you do with your classmates back in the day?

I mean, mostly, I mean, it wasn't until I was, I didn't

fondle with anyone back then.

But, I mean, like, in high school, I'd hook up with friends and stuff.

D-Madness just let out a homophobic.

All my friends watched the show.

I'm sharing way too much right now, but it's fine.

Sometimes I forget D-Madness is homophobic, but he cannot hide it.

You just heard him going this.

Yeah, he literally sounded like a blind queeve.

Great band name.

They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday.

Now, you have great delivery.

You came out.

You have a cool look, right?

I think there's a comedy checklist for me.

It's cool look, easy delivery, and confidence.

And you have all three.

Four years, do you feel like you're going to stand the test of time or is this like a hobby for you?

I'm going to try my best to make this work full-time.

You know, just keep doing my thing.

You should.

Stick with it.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

I love it.

You talk about being bi on stage.

Yeah, I do.

I do have some dits about that.

Okay.

Good.

Yeah.

There you go.

Everyone's got to know.

Sounds like you're dead, but what's the longest set you've ever done, Ryan?

10 minutes.

I'd love to have you do a short set on the secret show.

There you go.

You did it.

Here's the big joke, Buck.

Here it is.

Ryan Jack.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Yep.

Okay, great.

You guys are in for a special treat.

One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show is here, ladies and gentlemen.

One of the funniest young ladies working today from Nashville, Tennessee.

She is here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Fiona Cauley, everybody.

You know her.

You love her.

Nashville's finest.

Many time performer on the show.

Golden ticket winner.

This is a brand new minute from make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody.

So, uh, something

I have noticed since being in a chair,

I don't think that women see me as like a threat

like uh to their romantic relationships,

which I find

fucking ridiculous

because

I am

perfect height

to suck your dude's dick.

That's not a joke, that's a threat.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I don't suck dick.

Not during allergy season.

That's just dangerous.

Talk about head cold.

Thank you.

Fiona Cauley, everybody, with a brand new

minute.

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.

Where do we even begin with you?

Welcome back.

Thank you.

Absolutely.

Always wonderful.

There's a lot that happened there.

Have you sucked dicks while sitting in the chair before?

Is that a thing that you do?

You have a boyfriend?

I always see him.

Yeah, I gotta be charged forward and back.

That is correct.

I love it.

And how long have you been with your boyfriend again?

A year and a half.

A year and a half.

So you guys have been through a lot together, huh?

How's it all going?

Good?

He's actually not my boyfriend anymore.

Oh.

My fiancé.

Whoa,

look at that.

Wow.

Oh

my

goodness.

Wow.

Incredible.

So until really, really soon do you part.

Yeah.

Fiona gets it.

True comedian.

Okay, she's not laughing as hard as I was hoping she would be.

Keep it in, Yodi.

No, it's just nice.

He doesn't have to worry about like a runaway bride.

That's true.

Or a pre-nup.

That's true.

Or a prenup.

Ah, good point.

There you go, Red.

No one knows how to stop the momentum faster than old Red Band here.

A prenup?

Anybody?

Anyway.

So, what's going on?

Are your parents excited?

Is your dad gonna roll you down the aisle?

Isolate that audio.

I want that for my new email alert.

Oh my god.

Oh my fucking God.

That was my favorite moment of the whole fucking show.

There are so many.

The wedding, I mean, I can't even imagine.

We're going to tie a bunch of like cans and stuff to the back of your chair, just married on the back.

Just clank your ass.

That will happen.

Yeah.

That'll be good.

Absolute fucking lootly.

Very happy for you.

Thank you.

Anyone can do it, you know?

That's true.

That's true.

You're going to fucking throw that bouquet behind you.

Really, really shallow throw.

Everyone will be crisscross applesauce.

Right behind you.

Right behind you.

Applesauce, or as you call it, three meals a day.

No, I'm kidding.

She can eat normal meals, people.

We're kidding.

We laugh a lot.

She's a golden ticket winner, damn it.

We're all taking it.

I love it.

We're going to honeymoon.

Where are you going to honeymoon?

A cabo.

Whoa.

Wow.

What are you most excited about about this wedding?

When is it?

In October.

Okay.

It's going to be in Nashville.

All right.

Beautiful.

So it's in October.

What are you excited about?

What's the

tax break?

Okay.

All right.

Who's going to marry you?

You got a pastor, a friend, or a.

My stepdad.

There we go.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Is he ordained?

Huh?

I don't know.

Great question.

Is he ordained?

Is he ordained?

Is he legal to do it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let me ask you this.

Did you,

how did he propose to you?

It was good.

Yeah, let's hear about it.

I bet you're real easy to surprise.

Just gets down behind you.

He's like, babe, spin around.

You're not going to fucking believe this shit.

There he is.

There he is.

It's incredible.

The same guy from the pre-nut momentum stop earlier is the same.

Welcome to the show, Red Band.

He has arrived.

Been sitting on that queue all night.

So let's hear.

How did he propose to you?

First, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called Bad Idea.

Oh,

Mr.

Rector.

Yeah.

Yeah, he got my ass, dude.

It was terrible.

Yeah.

So then I got a text from the booker at Zane's, and she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me.

I had to come right away.

And comedy is fucking weird.

So I was like, maybe that's real.

I don't know.

So we left the restaurant.

We're both real nervous in the car.

I thought for like the same reason.

no

and we got there and I'm fucking all the way up zooming around the corner

and then I see the Zanius photographer and I was like what the fuck and there's always a photographer they're always there ready to ruin a great surprise

always

and then Matt goes come back here for a sec and I looked up at the marquee and it said, will you marry me?

Oh

my

God.

Wow.

Now, did you say, did you, that's so sweet.

Did you immediately say yes or did you go?

Let me think about it.

No, that's a really beautiful story.

Sorry, I had to do that.

Wait, so, and that was how long ago again?

A year ago?

The proposal?

Yeah.

That was a week ago.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's beautiful.

A week ago, she's still on the same chair charge that she was on the.

Hasn't even had to plug in yet.

Can you play PlayStation on that too?

There's a fucking USB right here.

Is it really cool?

Yeah, I can hear Debay miles.

That's incredible, yeah.

Yeah.

You steer the Titan sub with that.

Yeah.

The thing that died, they all died on it.

Oh, yes.

I'm so sorry.

You're doing great, Fiona.

What do you like to do for fun when you come to Austin, Texas?

I always go to Terry Black's.

Okay, yeah.

You have good taste.

Yeah, that place fucks.

It's so good.

Yes.

Yeah.

It really does.

What's your favorite thing to get when you're there?

You're going to hate me.

Oh, boy.

The mac and cheese.

You go to Terry Black's for the mac and cheese?

Oh, look at all the fat asses going crazy for this.

Just a bunch of people on their last breaths.

No, mac and cheese is good, but the mac and cheese, are you fucking getting?

Let me tell you something.

Fiona, we're trying to take care of you here.

I'm gonna have you talk to a doctor.

His name is Frank DeMint.

I want you to make him say free drinks of text.

Fiona, we'll call we a woo wee will we partners?

This mac and cheese is not a good idea if you want to change it.

Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable.

Everybody loves you so goddamn much.

You're such a part of the family.

Congratulations on the October wedding.

Make some noise for Fiona Collie, everybody.

All right, Red Band.

Jesus Christ.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi as well?

Oh shit, Fiona just ran into Deep Madness.

We're having a real battle of the Titans over here.

Nobody knows what the fuck's going on.

Deep Madness is like, who put a fucking motorcycle on my foot?

Oh my God.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter junk.

When Mike started started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

Hello, Nigel here.

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We having fucking fun tonight, huh?

I don't know how we do it every week.

It's been a great night for the bucket.

Big spoons for your next bucket pull.

Anything can happen.

This is Jack McWilliams.

Jack McWilliams.

I hooked up with a girl the other day,

and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop.

And I was like, of course.

I'm not that kind of guy.

I'm not going to pressure you.

Did you say a safe phrase?

Don't you mean a safe word?

She said, no, no, no, no.

A safe word isn't specific enough.

I could yell at any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop.

I was like, totally.

I'm on the same page.

It just feels more complicated that way.

Like, I'm not trying to hack your email here.

Is there going to be numbers, symbols, and upper and lowercase letter involved?

I just.

What if we made it a random word that you'd never yell at in the heat of the moment, like Gandhi?

You're not yelling out Gandhi in the heat of the moment.

And even if you do, I feel like I could tell if it's a bad Gandhi or like a give me more kind of Gandhi, you know what I mean?

It's on the tone.

No, she said her safe phrase is: hey,

stop doing that.

Thank you.

Jack Mick Williams, I've never heard Matt Muelling laugh so hard in my entire life.

He absolutely loved that punchline.

Incredible.

Jack, welcome to the show.

That is amazing that you had a set all about

a safe word or safe phrase because you are one of the rapiest looking guys

without a doubt that's ever been on this show.

Every rapist ever looks up to you.

Yeah.

That is what they look like.

You look like that.

And I look down on all the non-rapists.

There you go.

Absolutely.

How long you been doing stand-up, Jack?

Eight years.

Eight years.

Where at?

Chicago.

The whole time in Chicago?

Thanks.

Two years in Bloomington, Indiana, where I went to college, and then in Chicago, yeah.

Okay.

I told you, you're a big man.

6'5 ⁇ .

Wow.

Did everyone think that you look kind of crazy?

Because you look like everyone that's ever accidentally smothered a hooker.

Like you didn't mean to do it.

You apologized after, but it just happened.

Yeah.

I'm very apologetic afterwards, and it's hard to know my own strength and size.

But we're figuring out that.

Look at holding that mic.

What a fucking giant meat hook you.

It's like me with a dog dick in my hand.

Yeah.

Jack, I love it.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a caddy.

A real golf caddy?

Wow.

How long have you been with that for?

Four seasons.

Okay.

Chicago.

It's a seasonal job.

I found one here in Austin, though, that's a little sporadic.

You live here now?

So I'm a long distance with a girl in Austin.

I've been living with her since November.

We've been dating over a year.

I'm at Spanish Oaks Golf Club.

Yeah, very, very nice golf.

Shut up.

Shut up.

No doubt about it.

They'll be super pumped to hear about the rape.

It's going to be good.

Absolutely.

Seems good.

He's doing good, Spanish Oaks.

Keep him close.

This is where spars come from.

I love the way my meat hooks grab their driver.

What does the girlfriend do for a living?

She works at HEB.

Oh, wow.

Everyone's favorite.

No doubt about it.

Instant crowd pop always for HEB.

What does she do there?

She is in the beauty section, though.

In a month, she's starting management training.

Wow, look at that.

Everything you guys touch turns to gold over there.

And how did you end up meeting this girl?

Long-distance relationship.

Chicago, she

visited Chicago and came to a comedy show where I was

the headliner, essentially the last comedian.

and then what happens she comes up to you and goes

I have a bit where I take a girl to the airport after three dates you know super not rapey thing to do

just being a gentleman

she clapped for me in the audience and then I kind of did a quick interaction and

tied her up yeah

pretty much right after the show and then what you guys went on a date and

she was flying back the next day when she said she was

lives in Austin, I was like, well, I've been meaning to visit there for this show.

Did you guys hang out that night or anything?

Yeah, for a few hours.

What did you do?

You go over to the Bean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Happens to be a landmark that I know a lot about.

I always ask for consent before I go to the Bean.

Sure.

100%.

Nobody believes you.

What did she like about you?

What did she like?

What does she say that she likes?

What does she have an ignorant chemistry?

She says it's very kind.

God damn it.

What did she say, Jim?

I just knew it would bomb, and I said it.

No, nobody heard it.

No, no, no one knows who he is.

I said she has an Edmund Kemper finish.

I know that reference.

That's great.

Damn it.

He's saying you look like a big, rapy serial killer.

I say it with love.

I like Tebby's mother's family.

I really appreciate it.

Yeah, he's great.

Wait, how do you keep...

I've done long distance 14 times.

You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting, right?

You can cheat or you can do phone sex.

Yep, the big two.

Say it again?

The big two.

The big two.

How do you keep it fresh?

How do you keep connected?

She would visit like every six weeks during caddy season, and then now I've been here for a few months.

Are you a good caddy?

Back-to-back caddy of the year at my club in Chicago.

Absolutely incredible.

How did you get so good at it?

Well, my coworkers are either alcoholics or children, so it's not the highest bar.

That's also who your victims are.

Got it.

Standing ovation from Antonio Caruso.

I love it.

Jack, before I let you go, what would we be surprised to know about you?

Other than I have not sexually assaulted anybody.

Yeah, say it in order to the cameras for your work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Anything wild?

Any fun hobbies or anything?

I got a DUI for smoking pot when I I was 19.

Whoa, Bloomington, Indiana?

Wisconsin.

I was taking a road trip.

Oh, boy.

Yikes.

My goodness.

How'd you get caught?

You admitted it?

We had just hot boxed the car with two joints.

So he pulled us over and was like, I'm pulling you over for a traffic violation.

We said, what's the traffic violation?

And he just said, how much marijuana's in the car?

We were 19.

We didn't really.

We know our rights.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

We kind of.

You want to be my doctor?

I fucking like you a lot.

You're very funny.

I do.

You're kind.

Thank you.

Hey, I don't know.

I went from being just a rapist to your doctor, so that's a pretty good idea.

That's it.

Not the first one.

Yeah, you should have seen the other rapey doctor that was here earlier, Red Band.

You know, I'd love for you to headline the secret show Thursday.

Holy.

I get that.

and a big junk buck.

You did it.

There he goes, Jack McWilliams, ladies and gentlemen.

No, the bucket pulls on the show out of control right now.

Let's get one more up here.

Let's see if we could go for it tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull

of the night,

ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dagon Asfaha.

Dagon Asfaha.

So

I live in a gentrified white neighborhood.

So there's a lot of pressure on me to be the friendly local black guy.

And it's tough, you know,

it's hard.

It's It's hard being a real nigga when you live on Avocado Street.

It's hard because people don't understand race, you know?

Like one time I was at a comedy show and I was watching a black comedian perform.

He was saying the N-word a lot, and this white woman next to me turned to me and she was like,

Am I allowed

to laugh?

I was like, Absolutely not.

As a matter of fact, every time you hear the N-word, hold your breath.

All right, that's my time.

Dagon Aspaha.

Am I saying that right?

Dagon

Dejan.

Dejin.

Yeah, yeah.

Dejin, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Another amazing set.

Congratulations to you.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Three years.

Three years.

Where at?

I started in LA and then I moved back to Seattle like a year ago.

What made you move to Seattle from LA?

There was no reason to be there in LA.

Right.

I love it.

Do you keep in touch with Captain Phillips?

Phillips?

I already knew that shit was coming.

You might as well play the Lion King music now.

Well, you know what?

Let me just...

All right.

What does Dejin mean?

Is that a...

Dejin?

Oh, we got you.

We got you there.

You didn't see that one coming.

I knew.

We got you there.

We got you.

You took the bait.

Oh, that's tonight's fruit by the foot cue of the night.

What do you do for work, Dajin?

I'm about to work as a tutor.

I'm about to work with kids, but I was just working security right now.

Okay.

What are you going to be tutoring them in?

You really are in a gentrified neighborhood.

I would have taken you for the tutor type.

That was like at an elementary school.

Oh, wow.

I did that too when I was in L.A.

for a bit.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Tutoring kids.

Is it fun working with kids?

Um, kids like me, generally.

You might be the only bucket pool tonight that's allowed near kids.

That's some retired doctors, some

scary, scary individuals up here.

Yeah.

I love it.

What's your love life like?

Oh, um,

I'll be dating casually.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

What are you into?

What type of woman are you?

What type of big booty bitch are you?

What was that noise?

That was the noise of a pig.

That was Red Band.

Red Ban thinks that big booty bitches implies that

they are heavy eaters.

Man, that's crazy you said.

I do like a fat ass.

I don't know how I guessed.

I just

really just had just a hunch of some kind.

I don't know.

How fat?

Can you do like a thing with your hands?

Like how big?

I mean if she I like grabbing it.

You know I like is she on top?

Yeah.

What the fuck did you just do?

What was that?

What was that?

Yeah.

Are you painting her back with crazy?

If she on top, I'm doing this.

Right.

I don't know what that is either.

Yeah.

Well, maybe you don't know Tony Caruso.

No,

I'm a stand-up against the wall guy always.

No sitting down.

Once I sit down, I'm going to bed.

No doggy style.

My knees can't handle it.

I'm up against the wall, the closet of the fridge.

Good night, good night.

You know when you do doggy style, you're not supposed to be on all fours.

You know that, right?

All right, Tony Robbins.

Jesus Christ.

Can I just fucking have a conversation with Saquon Barkley or whoever the fuck this guy is?

Now,

you said you were security for me.

Yeah.

You said you were security for who?

Padera?

No, nigga.

Who?

Who are you security for?

You said security.

I have done security work for just like office buildings around type shit.

Great.

So any office building that needs somebody to watch it.

Yeah, I used to do that just because it was like cushy and I could like write jokes during the daytime type shit.

Yep.

But I had the other security job I had, they were trying to make me do like actual security.

And I was like, fuck no, nigga.

Yeah, they would be like, confront that crackhead now.

I'd be like, what?

They'd be like, you're good.

You don't have a gun, but it's okay.

like yeah because it was unarmed security i was like nigga that's a paradox right exactly

skateboarders and shit damn right yeah

that's the name of my next uh special n-word that's a paradox

can't say it all right hell yeah

hell yeah uh what do you what else do you do for fun dayjohn I mean, it's hard to have hobbies because I'm constantly doing this shit.

Yep.

But honestly, casually dating, I was dating a lot when I got back to Seattle.

What do you like to do?

What's your move?

Give us some tricks.

Give us some dating with Dejan tricks.

What are some, what do you like to say, girl?

How do you close?

Wait, what is it?

Dejen.

Dejen.

Yeah.

All right, Dejin.

Yeah.

I'm going to take the A out of this and just go with the E.

Dejan.

Dejan.

Yeah, Dejin.

Dejan.

You made my name black?

Dejan.

Well, I mean, that's.

Let the record show.

This is not an easy job.

Most television show hosts have a pre-interview.

They fucking, they meet the person before his name is spelled D-A-E, which is Day.

And then it's G-E-N.

I know it's spelled confusing.

Yeah, you have a point.

I don't mind when people mispronounce it.

Can you imagine being on a date with this guy?

And she's like, so it's so nice to meet you, Desjohn.

And he's like, uh-huh.

Hey.

Bitch, you be bragging on my name.

Hey, you know what's crazy?

Somebody mispronounced my name while I was hitting it, too.

Oh, yeah.

She said it just the way you said it, nigga.

Yeah, what did she call Beetlejuice?

Yeah.

She was like, ooh, Deja.

And I was like, uh-huh.

You were like,

it's Dejan.

Yeah, yeah.

It's dwejin, bitch.

It's dejin.

Spell it.

D-E-J-U-A.

Oh, yeah.

Get off my.

I'm sorry to blacken up your name.

I'm sorry.

So DeJohn Quay, tell us.

I knew it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are some dating tricks of yours before I get you out of here?

You got to schedule, if you talking to her, you got to schedule the date, ASAP, like within the first five messages type shit.

Yep.

And then you meet her in person.

And then, by the way, I'm not no like nigga that'd be getting pussy all the time but that's what you have to say I get it but you gotta schedule the day ASAP do some simple shit just talk to her get drinks type shit you don't gotta take her to an aquarium

you're goddamn right

you're goddamn right

you don't gotta

hell yeah and introduce the idea of sex asap that's what i

absolutely my early 20s i i fucked that up i never like Yeah, you would go to the aquarium.

Yes.

Aquarium is your brother's name, right?

Oh, my God.

You are fantastic.

What's the longest say you've ever done, Dejin?

20.

20 minutes.

Secret show.

Book it.

Lock it.

Big joke book.

Unbelievable performance.

Dejin

Aspaha has arrived.

What an unbelievable bucket, night of bucket pulls we've had.

And before we put a ribbon on this thing,

I think it's time we bring to the stage someone to give us a little violin performance, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jake Kennedy, everyone.

I think it's Jake Kennedy, right?

Where the fuck is he?

Oh my god.

How adorable is this?

Oh

my god, the world's smallest violin, literally.

Give me some right lighting for this situation.

This is an all-time Kill Tony first.

We've never, out of all the musical excitement that we've ever had, we've never had a violinist.

I'm very excited about this.

Play something that's not copyrighted music, please.

YouTube has an unbelievable computer system stronger than ever to be able to copyright strike us.

Even me saying the word copyright strike might be a copyright strike.

They are so strict nowadays.

Ladies and gentlemen, this, a first in the Kill Tony universe, the first violin performance from one of the most absolutely adorable little fucking oompa loombas we've ever seen in our entire lives.

Here, with his tiny little finger.

Hold the mic next to him.

Tony, we got it.

We got it.

Relax.

Tony, sit the fuck down.

Don't ask any questions.

Relax.

You put the cool running on.

There you go.

Yes, there you go.

Okay, shut the fuck up.

Ladies and gentlemen, as we all settle in and relax for this performance,

this

is

oh, there's a lot going on.

They'll figure it out.

They'll figure it out.

They're professionals, Jake.

Just play.

Jake is used to playing with a bunch of little mice.

He normally plays in a band of mice.

Meese, they're called, when there's a group of tiny little mees.

Ladies and gentlemen, this with the tiniest fingers we've ever seen is

Jack Kennedy.

Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show.

They are on their feet here in the live music capital of the world.

Tony Garuso is going to throw his jacket out there.

he's got a big joke book he's got a little joke book he's got the musical performance of a lifetime one more time for Jake Kennedy ladies and gentlemen

Jake you know what I want you to join the band one of these nights coming up talk to John Dees you're gonna be a band member

Not full-time, but he's gonna make a couple appearances.

We'll see what happens.

You'll see him over there with the horn players or something.

Luckily, we can fit him anywhere on the stage.

You would think we've run out of room.

He's literally the only musician that we can add.

Add, add, jeep, sound, sound, check, check, check.

Check, check, check, check, check.

Fucking something.

Check that.

There you go.

It's Kino, everybody.

The great famous Keno.

Tony, that was.

Who said earlier during sound check that he'll never make another mistake again?

That was the best make-a-wish musical performance I've ever seen.

It is incredible.

You know, there was a band that played during the sinking of the Titanic.

Not a lot of people know this, but Jake played the violin during when that little sub went down to go play.

And yeah, he was playing though.

He can fit in there.

He can fit in crazy places.

So he was in a little submarine playing.

And when the thing exploded, he fucking the violin had he's he's light enough, he's buoyant enough, he fucking shot right up to the surface.

It's absolutely that's actual sound of him coming back up to the surface.

Look, this guy's had a few weeks off.

There's only one way to end a fucking episode like this.

It's been way too long.

You guys know what's about to happen

as I bring to the stage the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever, with the most interviews ever.

This is the long-awaited return, the longest we've ever gone without seeing him.

This is the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine.

This is William Montgomery.

When Trump's people took over, they discovered Biden had budgeted $50 million for condoms in Gaza.

I'd heard they do a lot of tunneling over there, but damn!

They just found vomit in Denmark that is 66 million years old.

Red Band, you never told me you did stand up for cavemen.

Because when somebody does so bad as stand up, the people in the audience vomit.

That's what I was going for.

So I've got a rebranding opportunity.

Instead of Goldman Sachs, Goldman Sachs, it's not about your asset size, it's your circumcise.

A woman recently went blind when she accidentally put nail glue in her eyes instead of eye drops.

I'm not a doctor, but here's some advice.

Don't do that again, you stupid bitch.

Okay, that's my time, Tony.

Exactly.

59.99

seconds.

Almost like a man with the all-time record, the man who's done it more than anybody else.

William, we have missed you.

Welcome back.

I know.

Thank you so much.

It really is so nice to be back.

This is kind of a, honestly, this is a very cautionary tale.

I was playing too much Call of Duty, and it made me depressed, Tony.

So I stopped playing it, I think, three weeks ago.

Now I'm back working out and reading books, trying to get out of my funk that I have in my brain.

Because seriously, if you're out there grinding for these camouflages on your weapons,

it turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare.

So if you're one of these people doing this, stop immediately, start working out, start reading books, do something different for your brain.

Because it really, Tony, turned very dark for me.

It is true.

It is true.

You had a video game addiction.

The closest you would get to doing anything else would be to look out of your blinds and

complain about whatever your neighbors in the parking lot were doing.

It became

a cautionary tale.

You went down a rabbit hole.

Well, I'm reading next to my window, so I'm still able to look out.

And Tony, somebody recently

moved into one of the apartments, and they weren't supposed to.

This is now the second time I've caught a homeless person moving into the apartments next to me.

So I've still got my eyes out on there.

Wow.

Look at that.

Something's never changed.

I know.

I have to have a purpose.

How do you break a Call of Duty addiction?

How do you break it?

Just start shooting real people.

Yeah.

How did you wean yourself off of it?

You were in very deep.

Yeah, I I really don't was feeling horrible in my brain.

I was so horribly down, and I would like to think I'm going to blame it on the Call of Duty, and things are better now that I'm not playing the Call of Duty, but seriously, it was, it was, I was playing, I don't know, 15 hours a day.

It's a real thing.

I don't allow myself to have a legit video game system.

Yeah, don't ever do it because it's so fun.

I know.

It's really fun, but it's very, very easy to just sit there and live a life of fantasy.

Yes.

And there's perhaps a lot of people out there listening right now, I'd imagine, that look up to you.

And,

you know, which is absolutely insane to me.

Well, there was one sweet guy on an Instagram post I did.

He's like, oh, my gosh, I was going through bad times.

Your comedies really helped me.

I was going to kill myself or something.

And then some piece of shit said, well, you should have killed yourself, then dumbass, because I don't know.

Well, in my defense, I was drunk when i wrote that so i thought

i didn't think you were gonna read it so tomato tomato but you know if you by the way seeing a guy play call of duty with a sesame street live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing imagine being a post-base driver dropping off soup to you and you walk out being like i just lost six more of my friends and he's like all right man you look like a guy going to noun to look for ladyboys but you know here's the truth

Well, I got this at Disney World.

And

Tony, I went to Disney World at the beginning of the year.

Nobody ever go to Disney World or Universal Studios Studios in January because everybody was sick and I ended up with the flu for two weeks, Tony.

I got 104 fever one of the nights, and I was almost getting in the ice bath in my bathtub, almost getting my girlfriend to put rubbing alcohol on my body.

I didn't know what to do.

Wow.

What ended up solving your problem?

It just went down the next day, so I didn't have to go to the doctor.

What's your favorite ride at the D-World?

It's a small world.

Yeah.

I love that one.

It's real nice.

Just all the cultures coming together.

It's chill.

I love that.

I love it.

Absolutely.

Absolutely incredible.

What are your big plans for 2025?

This is our, I believe, first time seeing you this year.

Is that correct?

Yeah, it's been

a year off.

We miss you, William.

You're a staple of the comedy world, and you're one of the finest guys on planet Earth.

I mean, you just took 20 years off.

What the fuck do you know?

I've got you, too.

I don't know.

This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that

you're needed.

You're needed

fuck you, Tony.

Yeah,

you're talking to a fellow Kill Tony Hall of Famer or something.

Well, I feel like he brings a lot to not only the show, but to the world.

So that's what I'm trying to say.

I could not absolutely agree more.

William, you are a ridiculous superstar.

You are our Conor McGregor, our Hulk Hogan.

You are the man.

Make some goddamn noise for the one and only William Montgomery.

Is that Violinis still back there?

Is he still back there?

Does he have his little fucking tiny instrument?

Does he?

Is he

violinist?

Yes.

He left.

Oh, that's a shame.

Well, then our normal band will play us out.

Tess was tonight's episode, everybody.

Make some noise for Jim Norton.

Jim Norton can't save you.

Available everywhere.

It's a new, unbelievably awesome fucking show.

Tony Caruso is on tour with Adam Ray, believe it or not.

Incredible.

Adam has such an open mind, one of the great creative forces of the world.

He has Dr.

Phil on tour.

He has his own stand-up tour.

He kills it everywhere he fucking goes.

Everything he touches turns to gold.

Dr.

Phil with Dr.

Phil on Netflix.

A lot of other unbelievable things happening.

So for you to get to work with Adam Ray is incredible.

How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Tony Caruso?

How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton?

The charling from Ryan Shaebel is in.

It's incredible.

Let's see what Chris Rogers did tonight.

Oh, it's me.

Ooh la la.

Look at that.

A dehydrated me

filled with testosterone and a lack of water.

This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter and Nicked Nicotine Pouches.

That's NYKD.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody?

I'm on tour by the time this episode comes out tickets will be on sale I'm doing the Honda Center in Anaheim California a very big arena I'm doing stand-up there who knows maybe some friends from LA will be able to make a little drive pop in who knows I don't know we'll see you talk to your buddy Adam for me put in a good word

It's gonna be fucking amazing.

I'm also doing the Maverick Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a bunch of other great places.

Detroit, some casinos, big fancy joints.

All of it's at TonyHinchcliffe.com or Ticketmaster.

There's still, I think, a couple tickets available for the Kill Tonies in Nashville at the Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th.

And a lot of other fun stuff, Red Band.

You know, William has a podcast called the William Montgomery Show with our friend Casey Rocket.

Check it out, guys.

Yes.

Yes.

Support everyone in the Kill Tony family.

We love you.

We love you guys.

You guys are the heart and soul of it all.

Good night.

Thank you.

We love you.

Goodbye, everybody.

This guy's allegedly comedy game.

Took 20 years off of stand-up, but he's back in the game now.

20 years since I've been on stage, but it's time to get back to it.

I'm going to go give it a shot, Charlie and Material.

There we go.

Make some noise for Tony Caruso.

Tony Caruso.

Tony Caruso, everybody.

Tony!

Turns it back on the saddle, as they say, and

see if that old horse still

comes, right?

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

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