#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the HEB Center

Speaker 6 here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H.
Cliff.

Speaker 6 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 6 What the fuck is up? HEB Center.

Speaker 6 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 7 Make some notes for the great Brian Red Band, everybody.

Speaker 9 What a fucking Monday night delight this is.

Speaker 12 What's up, everyone?

Speaker 13 Welcome.

Speaker 10 How about a hand for the best damn band in the land?

Speaker 16 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande.

Speaker 19 The great Michael Gonzalez, aka Big Mike

Speaker 21 on the drums.

Speaker 22 Joining us tonight, the great and powerful Marcus King on guitar.

Speaker 25 Unbelievable.

Speaker 10 Matt Muelling also on the electric.

Speaker 22 John Dees on the keys.

Speaker 27 And that is indeed...

Speaker 28 the one and only D-Madness on the bass guitar, everyone.

Speaker 15 Holy moly.

Speaker 31 How exciting is this?

Speaker 28 How many of you traveled to be here in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 11 You know, everybody says it.

Speaker 32 Everybody says it, but I really mean it.

Speaker 33 We have the best damn fans in the world, true fans of real comedy.

Speaker 22 The backbone of free speech here in the greatest country on planet Earth.

Speaker 10 Isn't it amazing that we could get together to hear some filthy fucking chaos on a Monday night?

Speaker 35 Sold out arena.

Speaker 35 Second annual sold-out arena the night before New Year's Eve.

Speaker 37 I'm fucking pumped.

Speaker 22 You guys know how it works.

Speaker 35 Before we get it started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 10 Tonight's episode is brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. We love them, our longest standing sponsors here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 51 They're somewhere in one of the suites.

Speaker 52 Shout out to Jonathan and all of our great friends over there.

Speaker 22 And they are having a special deal at the Yellow Rose tonight.

Speaker 35 If you show them your tickets up from tonight, no cover charge at the Yellow Rose.

Speaker 55 How cool is that?

Speaker 49 So laughter, fat tits in your face, you get it all.

Speaker 57 What's better than that?

Speaker 35 I get that every time I sit next to Redband.

Speaker 49 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what, huh?

Speaker 10 Well, tonight we have three guests, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 29 I'm going to bring them out one by one. Does that sound like fun or what?

Speaker 49 Your first guest has this year taken the show over by goddamn storm, instantly becoming one of our favorite guests in the entire show's history.

Speaker 35 Make some goddamn noise.

Speaker 21 You know him from a lot of your favorite movies, his podcast, and the unbelievable appearances on Kiltoni.

Speaker 14 Make some noise for the great Harlan Williams.

Speaker 14 Oh

Speaker 14 my God.

Speaker 14 An instant legend of the show.

Speaker 14 There he is. You want to say something?

Speaker 63 Go ahead, say something.

Speaker 64 Tony, thanks for having me here. And I just want to say I have seven brothers and sisters.
My brother Chris, who I hate, he's here tonight in the top. He told me he was suicidal.
Jump, you prick.

Speaker 64 Have fun tonight and Wang Chung tonight.

Speaker 10 Let's go.

Speaker 66 Harlan Williams.

Speaker 32 Your second guest

Speaker 67 is

Speaker 66 not only a Hall of Famer on this show.

Speaker 68 Not only,

Speaker 70 I mean, he's just taken over the entire industry this year of comedy, but he is still, as of this day, the current reigning President of the United States of America.

Speaker 73 This is Joe Biden.

Speaker 73 Wow.

Speaker 73 Oh my goodness. Whoa.

Speaker 73 Wobbly legs Biden.

Speaker 73 Unbelievable.

Speaker 73 Joe Biden is here.

Speaker 73 Oh.

Speaker 73 Whoa.

Speaker 75 Those knees are holding strong.

Speaker 51 Someone's been chilling on beaches.

Speaker 34 I'm on NAD, CBD, and HPV.

Speaker 32 Joe Biden has arrived.

Speaker 77 Good to see you, America. I got a catheter in my cock, Tony.
Make this quick.

Speaker 77 Good to see you, Carlos.

Speaker 19 One more guest.

Speaker 78 Austin legend.

Speaker 80 A man who I can't even believe was able to fit it in his schedule.

Speaker 9 Probably one of the busiest human beings on planet Earth.

Speaker 79 One of our favorite comedians.

Speaker 69 The legend who got this whole Austin, Texas shit started.

Speaker 83 It is Joe Rogan.

Speaker 83 Oh, yes.

Speaker 83 This

Speaker 83 is

Speaker 83 Kill Tony.

Speaker 10 The shit is about to go down.

Speaker 58 Three legends of the panel of this show.

Speaker 9 We're all here Doesn't it much better than this on a fucking Monday night

Speaker 85 We have a bucket filled with hundreds of names the comedians are all around us somewhere I don't know if there's a section.

Speaker 55 There they are back there.

Speaker 9 I'm gonna to pre-pull a name.

Speaker 21 You guys know how this works.

Speaker 17 If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 17 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 50 And I think we have a West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 20 There he is.

Speaker 10 It's Trew Nickens tonight, everybody.

Speaker 49 That's the real Drew Nickens.

Speaker 29 How about a hand for Trew everyone?

Speaker 9 And while we wrangle that first comedian, we will get it started with a brand new minute.

Speaker 51 I think we should get it started with a bang, huh?

Speaker 19 What do you guys think?

Speaker 89 Some people think you should make a show like this where it builds the whole time and gets bigger and bigger.

Speaker 82 I like the

Speaker 66 I'll ask again, should we start it with some fucked up crazy shit?

Speaker 9 Well, then I'm gonna bring up one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show here with a brand new minute truly one of the top rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 66 This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson

Speaker 2 Well, I gotta follow the Star Spangle battle, nigga.

Speaker 92 This crazy

Speaker 93 Now, you know, I went back home for Christmas.

Speaker 92 It was great.

Speaker 34 My favorite thing about Christmas, I got a little money now, so I like to go give homeless people food and shit, but I like to play games with them.

Speaker 94 So I went and got a hundred pieces of chicken wings, and I went to a park with a bunch of homeless people, and I gave all the chicken wings to one homeless nigga.

Speaker 76 And I called it Cam's Hunger Games.

Speaker 41 May the odds be in your favor, nigga.

Speaker 14 My favorite thing was I realized that me and my family, we can't play charades we don't play it right it's not a good game for my family because charades you can't really talk you gotta just act shit out and my uncle got a card and this is all he did i swear to god he just went

Speaker 94 and then my auntie went 2004 what the that mean i have no idea my grandma just said cocaine and then nobody got it right and i picked the card up And the card said penthouse.

Speaker 94 And I said, how did that even make sense to be a penthouse?

Speaker 92 And my uncle uncle went, you don't get it?

Speaker 34 We got cocaine, strippers, and you upstairs.

Speaker 5 That's my time. I'll do that.

Speaker 18 Patterson. What's up?

Speaker 97 I said, what am I doing?

Speaker 92 I'm good. This shit is crazy.

Speaker 33 It is.

Speaker 35 The arena thing is becoming casual.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 100 How do you feel? I feel great.

Speaker 2 I got slides on right now, nigga.

Speaker 92 Life is good.

Speaker 93 Like, pretty great, man.

Speaker 31 You do have slides on.

Speaker 20 Every time.

Speaker 92 Nigga, we did Madison Square Garden, but this shit pretty cool, though.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 26 It is.

Speaker 28 It's basically the HEB garden.

Speaker 26 There is his feet.

Speaker 102 Tight shit.

Speaker 87 Covered in socks, thank God.

Speaker 35 You can almost tell by the shape of the socks that there's some weird shit going on with those feet.

Speaker 94 I was finna get a pedicure, but my toes need armor.

Speaker 5 I realized that.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Your toes need what? Armor.

Speaker 44 Armor? Yeah.

Speaker 44 Spell that word. Fuck you.

Speaker 28 Harlan, what do you think about the young buck?

Speaker 64 I was going to ask, bro, that whole run you did about the chicken in the park.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Is there any chicken left? Because daddy's starving.

Speaker 98 Okay.

Speaker 94 Yeah, I was just saying the weirdest shit, man.

Speaker 77 Yeah, coming from a guy who's dressed like he works at a strip club in a video game.

Speaker 93 Do you sell cocaine, Joe Biden?

Speaker 2 Why you dress like that, nigga?

Speaker 77 Because I got this on T-Moo.

Speaker 77 Spell it.

Speaker 93 I can spell that. I can spell that real easy.

Speaker 105 T-E-M-U.

Speaker 56 Very good. Yeah, nigga.

Speaker 2 I spell fucking phenomenally.

Speaker 35 Joe Biden got his outfit off

Speaker 35 T-Mu.

Speaker 29 He also got his vice president off TMU as well.

Speaker 43 Wait a minute, this is Biden?

Speaker 64 I thought this was Arnold Palmer for Christ's sake.

Speaker 44 In your terms? Talk about the T?

Speaker 65 Huh? The T?

Speaker 44 The who? The T.

Speaker 77 What's the full sentence?

Speaker 30 It's a T.

Speaker 29 Oh, the T and lemonade.

Speaker 87 It's a T and lemonade posture.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Arnold Palmer was also a human being.

Speaker 108 He went just tea, nigga?

Speaker 35 He was a golfer who liked lemonade mixed with iced tea.

Speaker 57 Iced tea and lemonade.

Speaker 49 It's like uh...

Speaker 5 Not the wrapper, the beverage.

Speaker 109 Lemonade, it's like a lemon-flavored Kool-Aid, if you will.

Speaker 59 And iced tea is a drink, not just a wrapper.

Speaker 2 I know what iced tea is, nigga. Okay.

Speaker 29 Sometimes I translate things for you.

Speaker 57 you.

Speaker 14 Would you call me the N-word on my birthday next year?

Speaker 94 You're not gonna be here next year, nigga.

Speaker 14 That's your opinion.

Speaker 97 That's, you know what?

Speaker 77 You know what? No, that was hilarious.

Speaker 5 You won yourself a fruit by the foot.

Speaker 111 Tight shit.

Speaker 29 I love it. Cam, what else is going on?

Speaker 78 Shit, nothing really.

Speaker 94 I did a show this weekend. My cousin brought her boyfriend and she 22 and he 36.

Speaker 77 So we were trying to figure that out.

Speaker 94 I thought about killing him, but he was scary.

Speaker 77 So we couldn't do that.

Speaker 96 Yeah. That wasn't a good option.

Speaker 58 Have you met him already?

Speaker 2 I just met him. Yeah, I met him this weekend.

Speaker 24 What was that like?

Speaker 94 It was strange.

Speaker 2 He threatened to kill her brother, which is my other cousin.

Speaker 14 And I didn't know how to talk to that.

Speaker 5 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 44 So...

Speaker 14 That's going on right now.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 12 There's a lot going on.

Speaker 23 I don't know what...

Speaker 2 I can't even make that funny.

Speaker 94 That's just life, nigga.

Speaker 49 What's that in your hand?

Speaker 94 He gave me a fruit by the foot.

Speaker 94 The old president, nigga, he gave me a fruit by the foot.

Speaker 77 Yeah, when you leave the Oval Office, they give you a bunch of snacks.

Speaker 44 That's a retirement home, nigga. Huh? Nothing?

Speaker 77 They told me, they said, give a fruit by the foot to your favorite new black guy.

Speaker 77 You got it, baby.

Speaker 77 Buy you some shoes for your birthday.

Speaker 64 I won't eat that, man. Ron Jeremy does the quality control on those.

Speaker 34 Who is that?

Speaker 64 He makes iced tea.

Speaker 49 Kat Patterson, you have gotten the show officially started with the new minute.

Speaker 82 And now we roll to the bucket, the backbone of the show, where we've met every comedian who's ever been on.

Speaker 66 And it all starts with the luck of a draw.

Speaker 69 These arena pools have notoriously always been rough.

Speaker 66 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 80 When I hear the pop of the crowd, I know it's got to be the one and only Heidi.

Speaker 66 There she is, live in the flesh.

Speaker 70 It is indeed bucket pool number one, and it goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Bill Rhodes, everyone.

Speaker 66 Bill Rhodes is first here on Kill Tony, live from the HEB Center.

Speaker 116 What's up, guys?

Speaker 117 Did you guys know that in Texas alone we have 8,161 indoor shooting ranges?

Speaker 118 That's a lot. Woo!

Speaker 119 They're easy to find.

Speaker 55 All you have to do is Google public schools.

Speaker 121 I don't condone public school shootings.

Speaker 89 I was a teacher for 11 years.

Speaker 18 Thank you.

Speaker 119 Out of 11 years, nine years my students voted me favorite teacher. Two years, my peers nominated me to be the teacher of the school year for the entire district.

Speaker 119 After talking to my peers and my students, the local police department started referring to me as a person of interest.

Speaker 119 I'm not a teacher anymore.

Speaker 119 Because some bitch named Amy and Human Resources didn't think my comedy was as funny as everybody else.

Speaker 124 Fuck Amy and Human Resources.

Speaker 119 I know when you look at me, you're like, this guy definitely voted for Trump.

Speaker 119 After January 6th, I couldn't vote for Trump that's a joke if you're a federal

Speaker 124 law enforcement I was teaching kids if you're local law enforcement I was nowhere near those kids guys thank you

Speaker 70 Bill Rhodes welcome Bill how are you you just confessed to a lot of half crimes there yes sir

Speaker 28 So what did you do?

Speaker 36 Anything?

Speaker 117 Actually, I got fired for my set on Kill Tony a year ago.

Speaker 41 You got what?

Speaker 125 I got fired from teaching over being on Kill Tony a year ago.

Speaker 59 So you did a set on Kill Tony?

Speaker 52 Yes, sir.

Speaker 28 The people saw it, reported you to the school?

Speaker 124 Yeah, Amy and Human Resources saw it.

Speaker 128 You're the Pflugerville guy, right?

Speaker 56 Huddo.

Speaker 127 I was that huddle guy.

Speaker 51 So what exactly did you say that got you in trouble?

Speaker 52 Did they see your nipple piercings through your shirt?

Speaker 124 They're not nipple piercings. I'm fat.

Speaker 117 These are terminals for my pacemaker.

Speaker 81 This guy's full of jokes.

Speaker 70 What exactly did they fire you for?

Speaker 119 When I was on before, I compared, I worked in the prison system, so I compared working with inmates to working with students.

Speaker 5 So base guy said the only way to get fired from either job is to fight one or fuck one.

Speaker 34 Here

Speaker 5 you get a fruit by the foot for that joke.

Speaker 107 Sweet.

Speaker 60 Whoa.

Speaker 77 That's fucking nice.

Speaker 130 Unbelievable.

Speaker 95 Looks like you've had a few football fields worth of fruit.

Speaker 124 It's funny.

Speaker 117 Some of my old football players are actually out here somewhere tonight.

Speaker 10 When you say old football players, what exactly do you mean?

Speaker 117 I was a coach, my son, and some of his...

Speaker 78 Were you really a coach?

Speaker 57 Or is this like the...

Speaker 28 Are you just saying you're a coach?

Speaker 70 Like the...

Speaker 88 Wow, yeah, Tim Waltz.

Speaker 35 I forgot his name, and I love that I already forgot that guy's name.

Speaker 26 Tim Waltz said that he was a football coach.

Speaker 29 Turns out he wasn't.

Speaker 123 Dude, no, I was legit.

Speaker 64 Can I see your titty flashers again?

Speaker 64 Dude, it looks like you had your stomach stapled and they missed.

Speaker 59 What exactly made you want to get your nipples pierced?

Speaker 119 Midlife crisis, I don't know.

Speaker 51 How long have you had those through your nips?

Speaker 23 About maybe a year.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 77 Who made you do it?

Speaker 86 Was it when you got fired from being a teacher because of being on Kiltoni? Yeah.

Speaker 117 Really? Well, no, actually, I got it done during the school year, my last year of teaching.

Speaker 14 What do your kids think about them?

Speaker 117 My daughter was with me when I got them done.

Speaker 77 That's fucking weird.

Speaker 13 You should go to jail.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 135 How old's your daughter?

Speaker 123 She's 16.

Speaker 117 I took her to get her nose pierced, and she was like, I bet you won't get your nipples pierced.

Speaker 118 Wow.

Speaker 136 What a white trash off you and your daughter were having there.

Speaker 51 What's your daughter's only fans?

Speaker 55 Red Ban.

Speaker 44 Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Speaker 23 Come on, Red Band.

Speaker 106 You can't ask

Speaker 22 what is your daughter's only fans.

Speaker 77 Send me the link.

Speaker 137 Call me in two years.

Speaker 129 Okay.

Speaker 5 There you go. Give me my fruit by the foot back.

Speaker 15 No, you can keep it.

Speaker 49 So what are you doing for work nowadays, Bill Rhodes?

Speaker 64 I think it's obvious he's a Greek sponge fisherman.

Speaker 117 Yeah, that and I do comedy now.

Speaker 27 Full time?

Speaker 106 Yes, sir.

Speaker 22 And where do you get paid to do comedy?

Speaker 95 I've been Fort Lauderdale, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Oklahoma, Little Rock, Arkansas.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 30 I love it.

Speaker 103 I love it.

Speaker 22 And

Speaker 35 what else has been going on?

Speaker 70 How do you fill the daytime that you used to spend in schools?

Speaker 22 Are you still on that same sleep schedule now that you're no longer a teacher and a full-time comedian?

Speaker 123 I get up early.

Speaker 117 I fish in my spare time when I have time. My wife works from home, so I get to spend time with her too now, more time with her.

Speaker 136 How long have you been with your wife?

Speaker 124 We're coming up on five years.

Speaker 33 Five years.

Speaker 64 How long haven't you been with your wife?

Speaker 124 39.

Speaker 64 That's right. You're right.

Speaker 23 That's correct.

Speaker 51 So when you came home with nipple piercings, was your wife excited about it?

Speaker 95 Yeah, she's into it.

Speaker 109 Did she suck on them?

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 77 Let's cut to a clip.

Speaker 60 We don't have it.

Speaker 95 Are you on My OnlyFans?

Speaker 77 What'd you fucking say to me?

Speaker 77 I like your mojo. You're a good American.

Speaker 106 Working hard.

Speaker 121 Appreciate you.

Speaker 77 What do you love about comedy?

Speaker 121 Say that again?

Speaker 5 What do you love about comedy?

Speaker 123 I get to sit up here and just talk shit and have fun, enjoy making people laugh.

Speaker 35 Well, how does it feel being in an arena?

Speaker 111 This is great.

Speaker 124 Like, I graduated high school, like, three miles away from here at Leander High School, so it's cool just being in my hometown.

Speaker 139 Look at that.

Speaker 35 I thought he was going to say he graduated high school three months ago.

Speaker 138 It would have all made sense.

Speaker 64 Dude, would you do us all a favor? Like, I feel really selfish, but would you mind turning around? and showing the crowd the muffin top on the back of your head.

Speaker 33 Let's see it.

Speaker 15 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 131 You should get that pierced.

Speaker 64 You should get that buttered.

Speaker 64 And then pierced. And then let Joe Biden sniff it.

Speaker 135 That is quite the flap.

Speaker 58 Have you ever tried to stick anything fun back there?

Speaker 124 I used to hold a pencil back there sometimes when I was a teacher.

Speaker 77 Let's cut to a clip.

Speaker 12 Seems like it would work.

Speaker 35 I want to see if we could fit a medium joke book in there.

Speaker 127 Can you see if...

Speaker 32 Can you put it in there and

Speaker 133 there he goes? Bill Rhodes, the first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 10 And like that, it has begun.

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Speaker 32 We're going to go back to the bucket in just a second.

Speaker 5 But before we do,

Speaker 109 we have the return of an old

Speaker 32 character on this show.

Speaker 28 Someone that we haven't seen in a very, very long time.

Speaker 21 Because this young buck, who's gonna do a new minute, put his golden ticket on the line a year ago versus Hans Kim and lost in a best out of three super tournament minute-by-minute competition.

Speaker 36 This is the long-awaited return of former golden ticket holder Rick Diaz.

Speaker 6 Alright,

Speaker 143 I went to a nightclub and the waitress told me, be careful, because people have been getting drugged.

Speaker 13 And I was like, oh no.

Speaker 143 Then I went to the toilet, and at the urinal next to me, there was a guy peeing, and he was staring right at my dick.

Speaker 143 And I noticed because I was staring right into his eyes.

Speaker 143 We don't talk much in my family, we don't talk much, we don't even have a group chat. I tried to set up the group chat, but everyone in my family was like,

Speaker 143 There's already a group.

Speaker 143 I dated a girl for a while and one day she gave me a 20 by 20 Rubik's cube. 20 by 20 and she told me, if you manage to solve this,

Speaker 131 I will suck your dick.

Speaker 145 It took me all night

Speaker 145 to unglue and reglue.

Speaker 143 Thank you very much.

Speaker 131 Rick Diaz.

Speaker 95 It's been a long time, Rick.

Speaker 117 Has been a long time. It's been a long time, sir.

Speaker 146 Welcome, welcome, welcome. You look

Speaker 57 exactly the same, just as thin and malleable as ever.

Speaker 70 I am a beautiful, breakable piece of human flesh.

Speaker 143 I am very brittle.

Speaker 123 Absolutely.

Speaker 64 I don't know what it is with your physique, but I want to make love to you in a corn maze.

Speaker 143 This can be arranged

Speaker 23 I was fucking around guy

Speaker 143 I was not

Speaker 64 okay what time and what field

Speaker 143 I will find it we'll find it I'll send you a John Deere letter oh please sir do so

Speaker 12 I love it.

Speaker 22 So Rick, what's been going on?

Speaker 24 Anything crazy?

Speaker 143 A few things have been going on. I went shooting guns for the first time.

Speaker 34 How far back did you blast?

Speaker 41 First shot, bam!

Speaker 143 Dislocated my shoulder.

Speaker 143 They made me fill out a mental health questionnaire.

Speaker 143 And according to American gun laws, I'm stable.

Speaker 64 So was the guy before you stit.

Speaker 4 That's mean.

Speaker 143 I thought Canadians were nice.

Speaker 146 Wrong.

Speaker 114 President Biden, what do you think about America's current gun laws?

Speaker 77 Hey, well, you know, everybody's got

Speaker 77 your body, your choice, right?

Speaker 77 I mean, clearly, look at you. You look like fucking Gumby.

Speaker 14 What's your diet like?

Speaker 77 What'd you have for breakfast this morning? What'd you have for dinner two years ago?

Speaker 145 Nothing.

Speaker 77 What does your cum look like?

Speaker 143 Transparent.

Speaker 77 No further questions, Tony.

Speaker 145 I love it. Well,

Speaker 35 what else? Anything else, Rick?

Speaker 57 I have some news.

Speaker 145 Okay.

Speaker 143 Yeah, thanks to you and Redben and Harland.

Speaker 143 I can now work in the United States.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 134 Look at that.

Speaker 143 Yeah, it's all thanks to you. I tried to reach out.
I was, you know, doing all my paperwork and all the application and I wanted to message you to update you on how I was doing before I got my papers

Speaker 143 and then I see you at the Trump rally and I'm like

Speaker 97 oh no

Speaker 143 I'm getting deported

Speaker 143 before I got ported

Speaker 56 yeah

Speaker 143 but the thing is to come to the country, you have to go through immigration lawyers.

Speaker 143 And the first law firm I got in touch with refused to work with me because they said that Tony Hinchcliffe is a racist

Speaker 143 and they wrote a little letter do you want me to read it

Speaker 95 no we're okay all right is it a it's a good letter is it a good letter yeah okay sure read the letter all right

Speaker 29 it's definitely nothing i've never heard before

Speaker 26 How long is this letter?

Speaker 12 I got it.

Speaker 126 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 143 It's got to be short enough.

Speaker 143 My staff recognized that your primary purpose for coming to America is to work with Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 143 Sorry, Red Band.

Speaker 143 Apparently co-creating the biggest podcast in the world was not recognized by these people.

Speaker 145 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Tony Hinchcliffe, a comedian whose work has a strong connection to racist material.

Speaker 143 Tony's not racist.

Speaker 143 He's about as racist as he's gay.

Speaker 32 It's actually true.

Speaker 68 I see Met from far away.

Speaker 35 Then you get to know me.

Speaker 134 Yeah. And I'm not at all.

Speaker 101 Quite the opposite.

Speaker 44 Exactly.

Speaker 143 I actually asked Chad GPT,

Speaker 143 is Tony Hinchcliffe racist? And Chad GPT said, there's no sufficient evidence to support the claim that Tony Hinchcliffe is racist.

Speaker 143 And Chad GPT said, there's no sufficient evidence to support the claim that Brian Redband is a comedian.

Speaker 118 Oh

Speaker 89 my god.

Speaker 110 Look at that.

Speaker 150 Oh, N-ward, N-ward, N-ward, N-ward.

Speaker 145 I owed you one.

Speaker 64 This guy's gotten cocky since he's legal, huh?

Speaker 77 Yeah, you watch it. I got two more weeks in office.
I could get you deported, motherfucker.

Speaker 143 You just closed the government, so...

Speaker 143 Huh? That's three hours ago news. Sorry.

Speaker 143 You don't know what you're doing, so.

Speaker 70 Is that the end of the letter?

Speaker 34 No, you want more?

Speaker 56 Is there more?

Speaker 34 A little more.

Speaker 24 Is it worth it?

Speaker 68 It's pretty worth it.

Speaker 128 Okay.

Speaker 22 rick diaz finishing the letter any second now yeah

Speaker 143 as an employer i do not want my staff to have an ongoing relationship with his staff

Speaker 143 well which is crazy obviously they had no idea that heidi was working on the show

Speaker 143 because we all want an ongoing relationship

Speaker 145 yeah

Speaker 136 And Heidi is now getting a restraining order from him.

Speaker 20 Yeah. is that it Rick

Speaker 20 I have two more okay let's go Jesus Christ I know I know

Speaker 143 I wish you the best in your work and aspirations

Speaker 143 in the American market the market that is most befitting for your art

Speaker 143 I guess the most befitting American market for my art is a motherfucking arena

Speaker 60 Yeah,

Speaker 55 screw that law firm.

Speaker 12 Exactly.

Speaker 5 You almost had a bunch of stupid liberal lawyers.

Speaker 143 Yeah, then I found lawyers that wanted money.

Speaker 56 Well, Rick, you did it.

Speaker 28 You made your return.

Speaker 147 Congratulations.

Speaker 64 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 151 I appreciate you.

Speaker 84 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 77 Great job.

Speaker 56 Wonderful.

Speaker 66 Great job.

Speaker 44 All right.

Speaker 29 Your next bucket pull.

Speaker 10 Bucket pull number two goes by the name.

Speaker 71 Oh, there's the great Valerie Vaughan, Heidi with some drinks.

Speaker 66 You gotta love it.

Speaker 80 These ladies have been with us through many arenas now.

Speaker 66 How about another hand for Heidi and Valerie, huh?

Speaker 32 All right, your next bucket pulls 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Thomas E.

Speaker 84 Miller.

Speaker 91 Thomas E.

Speaker 66 Miller, everybody.

Speaker 63 And here

Speaker 115 we go.

Speaker 21 One more time for Thomas Miller.

Speaker 153 Hey, Austin.

Speaker 153 I work in a massive warehouse and my job is as a problem solver. And what I basically do is I'm the high priest of the internet's most fucked up things.

Speaker 153 Basically, I come into work one day and I see this thing just staring at me through what I can only describe as an abyss of desire.

Speaker 154 I

Speaker 153 pick this thing up to try to figure out what the fuck it is, and I kid you not, it's 65 pounds of just pure straight silicone sin.

Speaker 122 I uh

Speaker 155 hold on a second, Thomas.

Speaker 35 Guys, I forgot to say this earlier. Save your booze until the end of the set.

Speaker 29 Keep going, Thomas.

Speaker 153 It's also not Thomas, it's Jacob.

Speaker 57 Talk right into the talk right into the

Speaker 128 Mike.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 122 You got his name right now. So

Speaker 153 there's this giant.

Speaker 77 That was a very Thomas Thomas thing to do right there.

Speaker 128 Apparently.

Speaker 125 So you.

Speaker 64 Go ahead, David.

Speaker 153 Damn. Okay.
Okay. Digging myself a hole.

Speaker 43 So the warehouse I work at, there was this.

Speaker 43 Fuck.

Speaker 153 So.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 15 I'll cancel it there.

Speaker 153 See if I can save myself in an interview.

Speaker 64 Come on, Thomas, the train. Keep going.

Speaker 124 Keep going.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 156 Okay.

Speaker 63 So,

Speaker 63 I.

Speaker 54 So, you're Jacob Acklund?

Speaker 20 Yes. Is that correct?

Speaker 146 Yeah, I was thrown off. I was like, Thomas.

Speaker 29 I was like, yeah, we pulled two names.

Speaker 153 Okay.

Speaker 38 And I guess we sent you out in the wrong order.

Speaker 34 So.

Speaker 34 Are you okay?

Speaker 44 Man.

Speaker 157 You look like you're freaking out.

Speaker 146 Just, yeah, a little bit.

Speaker 157 Have you ever done meth?

Speaker 153 You know, maybe after tonight.

Speaker 158 Maybe after tonight. You should try it out.

Speaker 146 Yeah, yeah. I mean, it can only go.

Speaker 153 I don't think it can get worse than this.

Speaker 64 You need some confidence.

Speaker 157 You need something to give you unreasonable confidence.

Speaker 153 I should have done a couple lines.

Speaker 57 I think methods, man.

Speaker 153 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Let's try it once.

Speaker 59 So, Jacob, let's talk about it.

Speaker 38 How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 153 You can probably guess this is my first time.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 70 What did you try to talk about tonight?

Speaker 103 What was the goal?

Speaker 15 The goal...

Speaker 49 Right into the tip of the microphone.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 153 So the goal was basically to talk about this sex story that I saw at work and it was basically 65 pounds of just

Speaker 65 what?

Speaker 153 Just just straight female bits. Basically high high thigh to low torso.

Speaker 41 Women.

Speaker 157 65 pounds.

Speaker 159 Yeah, I wouldn't big.

Speaker 5 What the fuck is it made out of?

Speaker 146 It's just straight silicone.

Speaker 153 I don't know what they put in there to make it so heavy, but it is just straight silicone.

Speaker 153 I work at Amazon, and I had to weigh that shit out.

Speaker 34 Not anymore.

Speaker 112 Yep, yep.

Speaker 153 Got to have to find a new job.

Speaker 157 It's 65 pounds?

Speaker 153 Yeah, or 65 pounds. I had to weigh it out because

Speaker 153 like problem solver basically I just have to make sure if something's at the wrong warehouse to send it to the right warehouse.

Speaker 157 You got to go to the correct rubber pussy warehouse?

Speaker 153 Yeah, apparently, we only carry flashlights about this big, and we have to send it to the one next door that carries flashlights this big.

Speaker 153 So, you know, but the joke that I was getting at was basically: you try to take that through TSA, they'll stop you for having way too much liquid.

Speaker 153 Then you'll be sitting in the security line trying to scrape out the acid.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 20 What the fuck?

Speaker 153 Not it. Chicken.

Speaker 15 Try Matt.

Speaker 106 Try it.

Speaker 14 You sound like me on a cup of melatonin.

Speaker 60 Yep, yep.

Speaker 70 Jacob, what do you do exactly for a living?

Speaker 153 I do work at Amazon. I'm just a warehouse associate.

Speaker 107 Not anymore.

Speaker 153 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 54 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 43 I worked a lot before, or when I had a job, I smoke.

Speaker 127 Jesus

Speaker 127 fucking Christ.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 114 What made you want to start stand-up comedy tonight in an arena not having a joke, a story, any hobbies, or anything about you in the world?

Speaker 114 What made you choose, like, I'm going to go up there and I'm going to not show them?

Speaker 153 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Why did you like come up with this idea of like maybe if I go up there and do everything backwards, this will be great for everybody?

Speaker 64 Dude, dude, he doesn't need it. He's got personality.

Speaker 44 Oh.

Speaker 153 Yeah. Well, I mean, it was my first Kill Tony show.
I kind of was riding a minute or I thought I was but

Speaker 58 There he goes everybody Jacob Acklin you can't make it up.

Speaker 10 I implore you not to sign up for this show as a spur-of-the-moment idea last second at a fucking arena

Speaker 136 Just don't start on an arena

Speaker 127 Please

Speaker 88 Good God.

Speaker 5 That's the American dream right there

Speaker 102 They're playing funeral music.

Speaker 22 You gotta love Nacho's Belgrande, the Mexican arm of the Kill Tony band.

Speaker 35 We keep them all on a separate border over there.

Speaker 18 Uh-oh.

Speaker 60 Whoa.

Speaker 47 Mr. President.

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Speaker 161 Visit our new Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullenjewelry.com. Your ring, your way.

Speaker 13 Okay, well, we have a professional comedian who won this spot on a normal Monday taping at the mothership of Kiltony.

Speaker 35 He did so good that I said I want his first time in an arena to be tonight, the 30th of December, 2024.

Speaker 35 This is one of the top future comedians, a buzzworthy door guy at the mothership.

Speaker 33 This is a brand new minute and the second ever appearance by Law Coger, everyone.

Speaker 67 This is Law.

Speaker 63 A whole different

Speaker 61 vibe than

Speaker 61 Jacob.

Speaker 162 So I'm glad.

Speaker 149 I'm glad schools are banning racist books.

Speaker 90 Because my white middle school teacher would read the N-word out loud

Speaker 148 from a book he wrote.

Speaker 162 The adventures of Huckle nigga nigga nigga.

Speaker 163 Yeah, my favorite type of women are the ones with with a lot of tattoos

Speaker 151 because I also

Speaker 163 have been molested.

Speaker 163 Yeah, but I still believe in God.

Speaker 163 Like one time I was about to fail a test,

Speaker 163 so I prayed to God.

Speaker 64 Not even 30 seconds later,

Speaker 19 9-11.

Speaker 88 Thank you, God.

Speaker 57 Law Coger, you did it.

Speaker 32 Those are jokes.

Speaker 38 Total opposite from Jacob Ackland, who is just on the stage.

Speaker 162 Yeah, what happened with that guy?

Speaker 154 You were what?

Speaker 41 I said, what happened with him?

Speaker 157 It's not what happened. It's what's going to happen.

Speaker 64 don't kill yourself bro by the way he had a tattoo of you getting molested yeah

Speaker 77 let's cut to a clip

Speaker 64 let's cut to a priest

Speaker 64 actually it was a woman what it was a it was a young lady you were molested by a young lady it's called making out dude

Speaker 162 Greatest day of my life.

Speaker 64 Was she older or younger than you?

Speaker 34 She was older than me.

Speaker 164 How much older?

Speaker 149 Like a senior? It was like, she was probably like eight years older than me.

Speaker 122 I was like 11.

Speaker 64 Oh, so she was a teenager?

Speaker 70 Wait, she was what?

Speaker 23 Whoa, dude.

Speaker 84 You were molested by an underage girl.

Speaker 163 I was an underage boy.

Speaker 84 An underage boy?

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 64 So she was trans?

Speaker 127 Who the hell is he talking about? I was a little kid. Can we bring the light? She was a teen.

Speaker 64 I understood him better.

Speaker 35 Lah.

Speaker 35 So she was eight years older than you.

Speaker 12 Is that what you said?

Speaker 162 Yeah, so she was like, Yeah, she was like 18, 19.

Speaker 35 What exactly did she do to you?

Speaker 162 Oh, she the greatest head.

Speaker 100 Wow, and you were 11.

Speaker 149 Yeah, I was a little, you know, like when you were growing up, you were in the hood and shit.

Speaker 29 I know all about it.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 128 Yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 9 I remember getting my dick sucked by 18-year-olds when I was 11.

Speaker 77 Let's cut to a clip.

Speaker 162 I can airdrop it to you.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 35 Law, what's your love life like nowadays?

Speaker 57 It's pretty trash.

Speaker 162 I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 149 Yeah, I think I have autism.

Speaker 24 What does that mean?

Speaker 149 You know, just socially awkward.

Speaker 123 Everybody got autism?

Speaker 11 Yep.

Speaker 157 Thank you, Dr. Fauci.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 35 Have you always felt this way?

Speaker 162 No. I mean,

Speaker 71 I got an uncle who's like very, very autistic.

Speaker 149 And we act just alike.

Speaker 64 How much older was he than you?

Speaker 35 Oh, that guy's like.

Speaker 149 That guy's like 70 years old.

Speaker 106 Okay.

Speaker 23 So it could still happen.

Speaker 162 Keep it in the family.

Speaker 64 No, thanks.

Speaker 99 I'm busy.

Speaker 32 La, you've been killing it on this show.

Speaker 43 so fun how's uh everything else going in life how were your holidays uh it was they were terrible actually tell us about it yeah i don't i don't do shit i just read books

Speaker 148 i just read books i cry

Speaker 23 whoa whoa

Speaker 77 what do you cry about Forrest Gump, the ending?

Speaker 128 Nah, Huckleberry Finn, the ending.

Speaker 162 Nah, I just be chilling. Like, I don't really be doing, like, nothing crazy.

Speaker 64 What was the last book you read?

Speaker 126 Yo.

Speaker 128 Alright.

Speaker 64 It was called Yo?

Speaker 43 That'd be a great book.

Speaker 23 You wrote it, The Halt?

Speaker 128 I've been reading.

Speaker 162 My last book was a romance novel.

Speaker 125 Really? What's that guy?

Speaker 162 I wrote a romance novel.

Speaker 64 You read a romance model called Yo?

Speaker 123 No,

Speaker 123 it wasn't called Yo.

Speaker 162 I've been trying to get my banter up.

Speaker 64 Well, you might want to start with words with more than two letters.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 64 So. So what was Yo about? What was the book about? What was the romance novel book about?

Speaker 149 It was about like, you know, like you just meeting somebody, like, it was a woman who met a guy at like this coffee shop, some, you know, high school love affair.

Speaker 125 50 Shades of Gray?

Speaker 44 Pretty close. Pretty close.

Speaker 162 And

Speaker 149 yeah, they just ended up just fucking.

Speaker 106 Wow.

Speaker 56 How romantic.

Speaker 157 What a book.

Speaker 162 Sounds like the dream.

Speaker 77 You sure it wasn't the Bernstein Bears?

Speaker 4 Stanley. It's a great book.
Burnstein Bears.

Speaker 20 Was it black people?

Speaker 128 No.

Speaker 149 It was pretty disappointing, actually.

Speaker 35 It was a book about white people fucking.

Speaker 122 Yes.

Speaker 12 And you're just sitting there reading it.

Speaker 149 I was just sitting there reading it.

Speaker 162 I picture them to be black.

Speaker 15 Right.

Speaker 95 Me too. Yeah.

Speaker 35 That's what Disney does with all the movies nowadays.

Speaker 136 Exactly.

Speaker 103 White characters.

Speaker 106 Alright, well.

Speaker 130 Well, Law, how did it feel?

Speaker 139 Your first time in an arena?

Speaker 15 It felt great.

Speaker 121 You know, it was cool.

Speaker 35 You did it, Law.

Speaker 102 You handled it well.

Speaker 142 Law Coger, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 122 Appreciate you, bro.

Speaker 126 Appreciate you guys.

Speaker 71 And it keeps moving along.

Speaker 52 Ooh, this looks like a fun new name.

Speaker 63 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Deepak Sahota.

Speaker 83 Deepak

Speaker 103 Sahota.

Speaker 67 Bucketful number three is Deepak

Speaker 66 Sahota.

Speaker 66 Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Deepak, everyone.

Speaker 156 So the government has been real hush-hush about the drones.

Speaker 146 Is it aliens,

Speaker 156 China,

Speaker 156 or is Biden looking for his son?

Speaker 156 He just got parting

Speaker 156 and already gone.

Speaker 44 We all know that animals are evolving.

Speaker 158 Coyotes have learned how to drive

Speaker 156 and started a lucrative human trafficking business.

Speaker 156 As you grow older, it gets difficult to find your inner child,

Speaker 156 especially if you had an abortion.

Speaker 87 Alright, I'm gonna cut you off right there, Deepak.

Speaker 26 You know, it's crazy.

Speaker 35 I meet so many Kill Tony fans everywhere.

Speaker 51 I meet so many people that say they're going to the show.

Speaker 32 I meet people that say they're signing up for the show.

Speaker 31 I never meet anybody as crazy as you and Jacob that have been pulled two out of the three bucket pools rambling conspiracy theorists.

Speaker 35 How are you, Deepak?

Speaker 109 Have you ever done comedy before?

Speaker 156 This is my first comedy appearance.

Speaker 26 We're not surprised. These people.

Speaker 64 Yeah, but what you don't realize is he's been in movies. Do you recognize him?

Speaker 12 He was E.T.

Speaker 84 No.

Speaker 64 He was the yellow villain in Sin City.

Speaker 98 Remember that? Ah,

Speaker 50 he was. That's a great call.

Speaker 156 Hey, better than I get Gobby a lot.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 128 You get who a lot?

Speaker 64 Dobby.

Speaker 56 Gobby?

Speaker 122 Who the hell's Gobby?

Speaker 106 It's Harry Potter.

Speaker 29 Dobby from Harry Potter.

Speaker 106 I don't watch girl movies.

Speaker 44 Gollum.

Speaker 127 Schmeagel.

Speaker 32 All of these things are acceptable answers.

Speaker 77 Hey,

Speaker 77 can I address the whole drone thing?

Speaker 106 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 77 First of all, I enjoyed your slam poetry.

Speaker 77 That was funny. The abortion thing was funny.
Your body, your choice. But look, the drones, it's just me having a little bit of fun before I leave office.

Speaker 34 Who cares if they fly a little low?

Speaker 95 They sniff your head, they finger your butt.

Speaker 34 Come on.

Speaker 77 It's a free country.

Speaker 146 Are you afraid of drones?

Speaker 76 You're afraid of robots?

Speaker 77 What's your favorite color?

Speaker 35 You don't need to answer any of the president's questions.

Speaker 75 Let me ask you this question.

Speaker 44 Clear the fifth.

Speaker 10 Oh, okay, thank you.

Speaker 21 Deepak, I have a question for you.

Speaker 33 You kind of have like crazy eyes.

Speaker 30 They're going back and forth left to right.

Speaker 35 I don't know if we have a shot at you.

Speaker 156 I'm happy

Speaker 88 okay.

Speaker 28 Why don't we show the people?

Speaker 49 Why don't you look out at that camera?

Speaker 109 You see that big red dot out there?

Speaker 22 Not at the humans, Deepak.

Speaker 100 Look at the camera. Nope.
Down,

Speaker 18 middle,

Speaker 133 up.

Speaker 103 No. Depop.

Speaker 111 Look at me.

Speaker 122 Depop.

Speaker 72 Red lights.

Speaker 155 Straight at the camera. See that?

Speaker 88 No. Look straight out, Deepak.

Speaker 100 No, not.

Speaker 118 Oh my god. Look at the screen.

Speaker 58 This guy's completely fucking insane.

Speaker 43 Right there.

Speaker 54 Stare at it.

Speaker 95 No, No, keep looking at it, Deepak.

Speaker 106 Look at the red light. Right there.

Speaker 35 Lift your head up straight, Deepak.

Speaker 29 It's kind of tilted. There you go.

Speaker 16 You guys getting that?

Speaker 54 That wobbly eye shit that I'm seeing there?

Speaker 64 It's like he's constantly looking at a mosquito. Yeah.

Speaker 15 Biden just

Speaker 106 big whiff.

Speaker 146 I'm terrified.

Speaker 49 First of all, let's go to our senior medical correspondent, Joe Rogan.

Speaker 26 What do you think that is?

Speaker 151 if I was a referee I'd stop the fight

Speaker 151 like son

Speaker 92 you can fight another day and it is all over

Speaker 156 so uh I can elaborate if you like yes let's hear about this so I was born with a medical condition called nystagnus It is the involuntary movement of the eye. So they do shake.

Speaker 156 As a result of that, I have low vision. I am legally blind.

Speaker 35 Do you know how to play the bass guitar?

Speaker 127 People are fucking booing that you're legally blind.

Speaker 151 You guys are so vicious.

Speaker 98 Fuck your vision.

Speaker 122 Damn, if Helen Keller walked out here, they'd stone her to death.

Speaker 21 This is an anti-blind pro-autism audience we have here.

Speaker 74 Who fucking loves autism?

Speaker 74 on the spectrum

Speaker 156 are you on any medication say that once again are you on any medication no there is no medication you should get on some

Speaker 156 dr. Rogan any recommendations edibles

Speaker 157 as strong as you can tolerate Let's find out what's really going on behind those eyes.

Speaker 35 Deepak, what do you do for work?

Speaker 156 Currently, I am an educator.

Speaker 58 What kind of educator are you?

Speaker 110 Reading and writing.

Speaker 64 You know what you'd be great at, though?

Speaker 64 A referee at a tennis match.

Speaker 88 That's true. Well, like ping-pong.

Speaker 64 Because those fucking eyes just keep going back and forth. You'd be the best in the game.

Speaker 64 And I want to be with you in an earthquake. You would be very calming.
You'd be the only guy in the room with your eyes not moving around.

Speaker 64 If he ever gets Parkinson's, no one will ever know.

Speaker 156 Unknown.

Speaker 157 Does the eyeball thing become a problem when you date?

Speaker 156 No,

Speaker 156 when I'm looking at you, nothing's shaking. You're seeing shaking.
I'm seeing something stable.

Speaker 156 However, my vision is 20 over 150.

Speaker 64 So I do got to get closer to see everything

Speaker 107 more clearly.

Speaker 100 Is Harlan moving right now?

Speaker 156 He looks like he's pleasuring himself.

Speaker 133 Whoa.

Speaker 64 You ever been in a corn maze?

Speaker 157 What I meant by, is it a problem dating? Like, how do other people feel about it? They're like, do they have a problem getting close to you?

Speaker 156 Yeah. They're like that once more.

Speaker 157 Do other people

Speaker 157 have a problem getting close to you with your fucking crazy eyes?

Speaker 34 Yes, it is.

Speaker 156 I'm told it's very intimidating when I do make eye contact with people.

Speaker 157 I don't think intimidating is the right word.

Speaker 158 Like...

Speaker 29 My eyes do the same thing every time Heidi comes out.

Speaker 156 They were doing the same thing backstage when I was waiting.

Speaker 77 What's the closest amount of eye contact you've had in the last 48 hours?

Speaker 77 Hit me with some slow, sweet music, Richard.

Speaker 34 Get up there, baby.

Speaker 35 Oh, here we go. President Joe Biden.

Speaker 125 We've seen this before, folks.

Speaker 156 We're going to do a steering contest.

Speaker 66 Yeah, motherfucker.

Speaker 64 Let's do it.

Speaker 77 You guys get to vote. The winner of this steering contest gets a fruit by the foot.

Speaker 77 Uh-oh.

Speaker 21 Here we are, the second time.

Speaker 101 Biden versus Devik.

Speaker 156 What are the drones?

Speaker 77 There were no drones.

Speaker 56 It was Snookie's Uber Eats Order.

Speaker 156 It was your son, wasn't it?

Speaker 68 Where are you from?

Speaker 107 Austin.

Speaker 77 What's your favorite movie? Matrix. What's your favorite food?

Speaker 64 Pizza.

Speaker 77 What's the last time you said your own name during sex?

Speaker 156 Last night.

Speaker 156 Wow.

Speaker 156 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 21 I gotta tell you, this is one of my favorite book tosses in the history of the show that's about to happen right now.

Speaker 10 Very rarely do I get to warn people how exciting this is about to be.

Speaker 64 Oh, no, you can't give him a book. The fucking guy can't read.

Speaker 156 I'm visually impaired, not illiterate.

Speaker 64 How many optometrists have you caused to commit suicide?

Speaker 23 Be honest.

Speaker 156 I plead the fifth.

Speaker 64 All right, well, I plead the sixth. Fuck you.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 52 So the great people over at Prize Picks, we have found out have set the over-under.

Speaker 5 The odds of him catching this are

Speaker 147 plus 3,500.

Speaker 23 Throw it that way.

Speaker 69 I am an unbelievably accurate, a famously accurate joke book thrower.

Speaker 57 And now I will hit the chest of Deepak.

Speaker 27 Stay right there. You ready?

Speaker 122 Come on, Deepak.

Speaker 15 Here we go.

Speaker 6 Whoa!

Speaker 110 Oh, yeah. Here he goes.

Speaker 122 Legally blind, my ass.

Speaker 118 Wow.

Speaker 7 You want to see legally blind? I'll show you legally blind.

Speaker 123 Watch this.

Speaker 150 That's legally blind right there.

Speaker 122 No fucking chance.

Speaker 111 Right off D-Madness's elbow.

Speaker 72 There he goes, Deepak

Speaker 106 Sahoda.

Speaker 44 Later, Deepak.

Speaker 10 Legally blind.

Speaker 16 That That was fun.

Speaker 10 We have a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 27 And this is a very, very special golden ticket winner.

Speaker 66 You know this young lady very well, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Speaker 27 First time in an arena from Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 7 This is Fiona Cauley, everybody.

Speaker 35 Make some noise for Fiona, everyone.

Speaker 7 Baby girls, first arena

Speaker 64 is that really cool to give someone a standing over.

Speaker 90 Marlon, you gotta wait.

Speaker 55 This is the part.

Speaker 54 One more time, everybody, for Fiona Colley, everyone.

Speaker 98 So,

Speaker 165 people

Speaker 165 they are very curious about my dating life

Speaker 165 because I think it's hard

Speaker 165 for them to imagine that someone

Speaker 165 would be willing to take all this on.

Speaker 6 But

Speaker 165 I'll uh let y'all know

Speaker 165 men fucking love women that

Speaker 165 can't run away.

Speaker 165 Y'all know what I'm talking about

Speaker 165 rape

Speaker 165 Um,

Speaker 165 I just want to thank Tony for letting me be here. It's really surreal.

Speaker 118 Um,

Speaker 165 like, if a sixteen-year-old me

Speaker 165 could see me now,

Speaker 165 she'd be like, Fiona,

Speaker 165 why the fuck are we in a wheelchair?

Speaker 11 Fiona Cauley.

Speaker 50 Her condition continues to progress, just like her comedy.

Speaker 35 Both are accelerating at a great rate.

Speaker 136 How is your thing going?

Speaker 23 You look great and a great performer.

Speaker 87 I've got one more time for Fiona.

Speaker 64 I was going to say the same thing. She looks great, especially wearing Joe Biden's lingerie.

Speaker 44 You're welcome.

Speaker 165 Figured you wouldn't miss it.

Speaker 97 Great job.

Speaker 77 It's nice to see somebody else moving slow.

Speaker 77 You crushed it. Very funny.
Thank you.

Speaker 112 A lot of spunk.

Speaker 64 Why don't you go over and sniffer?

Speaker 84 Double dare me.

Speaker 127 A triple dog dare you.

Speaker 118 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 64 Get over there, Biden. You know you want to do it.

Speaker 122 Wow. Get over there and sniffer good.

Speaker 123 Someone's good.

Speaker 127 Sniffer, Biden.

Speaker 15 Get over there.

Speaker 118 Look at this mean green machine.

Speaker 103 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 136 Unbelievable.

Speaker 64 Sniff them back, sniff them back.

Speaker 5 Oh, someone's getting a fruit by the pointless.

Speaker 76 No, I ran out of fruit by the foot.

Speaker 77 Harlan, you got a pack of ultra-ribbed condoms.

Speaker 106 Wow.

Speaker 64 I love ribs.

Speaker 107 You got any barbecue sauce?

Speaker 98 It's so, so, so stupid.

Speaker 33 Ultra ribbed, I want barbecue sauce, I love ribs.

Speaker 154 What the fuck?

Speaker 107 That's me.

Speaker 41 Stupid.

Speaker 51 So Fiona, how's everything going? How was your travel here?

Speaker 165 It was better. I got a new wheelchair again.

Speaker 103 Hell yeah.

Speaker 155 You got new wheels.

Speaker 51 What's the difference between that chair and the old chair?

Speaker 35 You got a cup holder there?

Speaker 165 I put a cup holder on all of them.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 87 Someone's got a drinking problem.

Speaker 165 Drinking and driving problem.

Speaker 106 Watch out for for the reservoir.

Speaker 14 This is the first time I've used a condom in 50 years.

Speaker 90 Joe Biden.

Speaker 77 You should cut a hole in it like your wife did.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 64 Circumcise that microphone.

Speaker 93 Hey, look, hey, America, I finally got a knife from Joe Rogan.

Speaker 77 Put that on your bingo cart and fuck it.

Speaker 44 Thanks, Joe.

Speaker 136 Unbelievable.

Speaker 77 True story, by the way.

Speaker 14 Jill did cut a hold of the condom.

Speaker 52 Fully lubricated microphone.

Speaker 64 You might want to insert it first.

Speaker 133 Don't tell me how to live my life.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God.

Speaker 77 Where's that blind kid?

Speaker 76 I can throw it to him.

Speaker 145 They'll think it's a hot air balloon.

Speaker 77 You're so funny.

Speaker 114 What is the update on this new wheelchair?

Speaker 35 What's your max speed on that thing?

Speaker 165 It's actually slower, but it is American-made,

Speaker 165 so.

Speaker 11 Hell yeah.

Speaker 165 They'll fix it, so this one can be fixed.

Speaker 154 Yeah.

Speaker 56 I love it.

Speaker 15 I can't, but the, yep.

Speaker 29 It's a shame it's slower.

Speaker 35 If it was faster than your old one, I'd say you could stage dive here tonight, but there's a bit of a barrier there between you and the audio.

Speaker 165 I'll do my best.

Speaker 26 No, no, it's okay.

Speaker 103 I know how that'll go.

Speaker 106 That'll be a that'll be a sad fall right off the front.

Speaker 51 Have you ever sat on the joystick of that wheelchair?

Speaker 12 Oh, red band.

Speaker 5 Why do you do this, Red Band?

Speaker 6 Come on, Brian.

Speaker 155 Stick to the...

Speaker 88 I took the blow to that one.

Speaker 97 Hurling through it.

Speaker 55 Thank you.

Speaker 86 Thank you so much. Nope.

Speaker 135 Don't, nope, don't. No, that's okay.

Speaker 137 Just put it down.

Speaker 135 Nope, don't.

Speaker 23 Put it the fuck down.

Speaker 123 Put it. Nope, don't do that.

Speaker 29 There you go. Great stuff.
Physical comedy during a podcast.

Speaker 35 That's a disgusting question, by the way. Have you ever sat on the joystick of your wheelchair?

Speaker 102 Okay.

Speaker 64 That's why they call it a joystick.

Speaker 106 That's true.

Speaker 131 That is true.

Speaker 22 Anything else crazy going on, Fiona?

Speaker 165 Oh man, I just recovered from a concussion.

Speaker 131 Whoa, how is that even possible?

Speaker 28 It seems like out of all the people that will not get a concussion, it should be you. Someone stable in a chair that probably gets laid down softly into a bed at night.

Speaker 64 What happened? I think it all comes back to the joystick.

Speaker 165 Too much joy in that stick, yeah.

Speaker 44 Yeah. What happened?

Speaker 6 I

Speaker 165 was in a handicap stall wearing these shoes and I fucking fell and smashed my head on the grab bar.

Speaker 165 The thing that's supposed to fucking protect me.

Speaker 165 Betrayal, betrayal is what happened, yeah.

Speaker 35 What did it feel like, the concussion?

Speaker 165 What did it feel like?

Speaker 38 Yeah, if you could describe it to him.

Speaker 77 It was the worst job interview I've ever been to.

Speaker 165 It felt like my dad. I'm just kidding.
No, no.

Speaker 44 I'm fine.

Speaker 165 No one hit me.

Speaker 150 Sorry.

Speaker 44 I'm lying right now.

Speaker 35 Fiona, you're absolutely crushing it.

Speaker 29 Tomorrow night, we announce where the next arena stop for Kill Tony will be historically on night two.

Speaker 35 We always announce it.

Speaker 28 And tomorrow night on New Year's Eve, we will announce where the next huge arena show is.

Speaker 35 And I'd like to be the first to tell you that it is going to be the highest attendance in the history of Kiltony and that you will be on that show.

Speaker 7 You will catch her there.

Speaker 140 You'll find out where tomorrow night.

Speaker 7 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time as loud as you can for Fiona College.

Speaker 76 Great job, Fiona.

Speaker 64 Great job. Wow.

Speaker 77 They're coming.

Speaker 168 Grab the mic.

Speaker 115 Oh, Red Band.

Speaker 103 Come on, Red Band.

Speaker 66 Red Band, you don't have to make that noise.

Speaker 66 Back to the bucket we go, everybody.

Speaker 7 We're gonna meet this person all together.

Speaker 16 Even though the name kind of looks familiar, let's see what happens here.

Speaker 131 60 seconds going to Truly Joy.

Speaker 66 Truly Joy, everyone. Here we go.
The comedy stylings of Truly Joy.

Speaker 167 What's up, Austin? How you guys feeling tonight?

Speaker 167 So I just moved to Austin a couple months ago and I've already seen a bunch of fights. And the other night, I saw the most confusing one yet.

Speaker 160 It was two non-binary people fighting each other.

Speaker 167 I turned to the guy next to me and I'm like, who's winning?

Speaker 167 And he's like, they are.

Speaker 126 And I'm like, who?

Speaker 73 And he goes, they.

Speaker 167 And I'm like,

Speaker 84 okay.

Speaker 167 How the fuck am I supposed to know which one he's talking about?

Speaker 106 Well,

Speaker 167 I guess all that matters is

Speaker 167 they won.

Speaker 38 All right, there it is. Chuli Joy.

Speaker 116 Chuli,

Speaker 109 you've been on this show before, right?

Speaker 167 Yeah, this Yankfest episode. Sorry.

Speaker 22 Okay, yeah, good to see you again.

Speaker 136 I remember that head anywhere.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 155 Wide.

Speaker 111 Pretty big.

Speaker 29 Yep, that is your identity.

Speaker 44 Is it?

Speaker 154 Yep.

Speaker 55 All right.

Speaker 77 You look like Macy Gray and Lenny Kravitz fucked and had a baby.

Speaker 84 I'd agree with that. I'd agree with that.
That's a compliment.

Speaker 34 No, I would say so.

Speaker 77 Two of my favorite Spotify listens.

Speaker 70 What ethnicity are you with an amazing head of hair like that?

Speaker 84 I'm Cuban and Puerto Rican.

Speaker 56 Whoa.

Speaker 155 Oh my goodness. Some of you.

Speaker 126 What is the second one?

Speaker 23 Cuban and what? Puerto Rican.

Speaker 56 Oh, wow.

Speaker 95 What a mix, right?

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 29 I mean, time to take out the trash.

Speaker 6 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 7 Damn, that's a singer.

Speaker 35 You can get the time to take out the trash merchandise on your way out, everybody.

Speaker 129 It's brand new.

Speaker 102 Catchphrase.

Speaker 87 It's time to take out the trash.

Speaker 114 So how did you feel when...

Speaker 38 Because that was after Skank Fest,

Speaker 22 I was in the news for calling half of your blood vines

Speaker 147 original island garbage because there's a garbage problem and a garbage patch.

Speaker 90 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 167 So it was pretty weird because I was so excited to finally get on Kill Tony, you know? And like you say that and like

Speaker 126 my whole Puerto Rican side are like, we are not trash.

Speaker 47 We are not trash.

Speaker 167 And I was like, oh, this is not going to end well for me.

Speaker 44 Like that's how I family.

Speaker 126 That's how I felt at the time, too.

Speaker 76 Well, we're in the same boat.

Speaker 77 It got so bad, Tony called me.

Speaker 44 Here we were driving the boat. What?

Speaker 77 What was that?

Speaker 77 Well, you fucked it up.

Speaker 145 Go ahead.

Speaker 35 Did you try to explain to your Puerto Rican family that I wasn't calling the people garbage?

Speaker 86 Did you try to explain the jokes?

Speaker 34 Yeah, I told them that you were a cool guy.

Speaker 167 You know, and it was like, jokes are jokes.

Speaker 167 And I also said that I was on the show before you said that.

Speaker 44 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 35 Look at you now. What do you think they're going to say about this?

Speaker 167 They're going to think it's fucking awesome.

Speaker 146 Right.

Speaker 68 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 167 They're back on the Kill Tony team.

Speaker 29 You're damn right

Speaker 103 everybody is

Speaker 167 what do you do for work chuli well you know i have a house in florida but like i'm in between jobs i just moved to austin so like i need a job yeah yeah so i'm looking what are your skills what what do you bring to the table i would say sales what else

Speaker 167 Public speaking, you know, just like being in front of people.

Speaker 146 I don't know.

Speaker 34 What have you seen

Speaker 12 before?

Speaker 70 What would you be good at selling?

Speaker 167 I was selling clothes. worked at different stores.

Speaker 29 Like vintage stores?

Speaker 47 Yeah, different things.

Speaker 50 Is that where you got the elbowless jacket?

Speaker 156 No, actually.

Speaker 167 Actually, no, my buddy gave this to me, but like everything else.

Speaker 34 What's on the back, though?

Speaker 64 It looks like it's a gang jacket. What's your gang?

Speaker 159 Rose?

Speaker 76 Rose Ave.

Speaker 159 Rose Ave Dog Town.

Speaker 146 So like a flower gang.

Speaker 68 A flopper gang?

Speaker 146 Flower.

Speaker 167 Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 64 Wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley and get pollinated.

Speaker 169 I would take you down, dude.

Speaker 77 I wouldn't want to meet you buck naked in a garden. You wouldn't?

Speaker 14 No, I changed my mind.

Speaker 5 I would. All right.

Speaker 148 Psychic opposite day.

Speaker 33 Julie, what else?

Speaker 35 Tell us something crazy about your life that we didn't learn last time you were on.

Speaker 64 How about he went through puberty when he was 12 on his head?

Speaker 167 I was in the first government-funded PSA for marijuana.

Speaker 91 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 130 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 29 I I would have guessed that.

Speaker 24 What did you think?

Speaker 44 I know.

Speaker 167 It was like,

Speaker 167 it was like drive high, get a DUI.

Speaker 167 And I was like in front of

Speaker 167 a grill pressing the button, but there was no tank. So it was like grilling high is now legal.

Speaker 106 But getting.

Speaker 34 All right, truly.

Speaker 84 All right.

Speaker 54 Did you get a little joke book last night?

Speaker 167 I didn't get any joke books. You didn't?

Speaker 12 Guess what?

Speaker 29 You're getting a little one here today.

Speaker 12 There he goes.

Speaker 131 Truly, Joy, everybody.

Speaker 154 Thanks, guys.

Speaker 131 This guy,

Speaker 50 high as shit.

Speaker 35 Some people.

Speaker 77 He's like Mexican Matthew McConaughey.

Speaker 77 Too soon?

Speaker 66 Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian looks high, but he's not. This is a legend of the show.
Kill Tony, Hall of Famer.

Speaker 91 This.

Speaker 66 If you know the words, sing along.

Speaker 87 This is Hans Kemp.

Speaker 133 A brand new minute.

Speaker 16 This is Hans Kim.

Speaker 35 This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kemp.

Speaker 6 Hey,

Speaker 18 what's up?

Speaker 13 It's good to be here.

Speaker 144 It's a great time right now to be a comedian at the Comedy Mothership.

Speaker 144 We all got jobs in the new administration.

Speaker 144 I'm in charge of agriculture.

Speaker 144 Fiona Collie is in charge of immigration. She's a new border collie.

Speaker 144 Tony Hinchcliffe recently got in trouble for calling Puerto Rico an island of garbage, which is a compliment. He's from Ohio, which is landlocked garbage.

Speaker 144 I'm glad Trump is in office office again. I can't believe the Democrats shut down the whole country for a disease that only kills old people.

Speaker 44 What are we going to ban next? Stairs?

Speaker 145 I'm glad COVID happened.

Speaker 144 It got rid of a horrible group of comedy audiences.

Speaker 144 I can't wait for a pandemic that targets bachelorette parties

Speaker 97 and Dominicans.

Speaker 144 That's my time. Thank you so much.

Speaker 34 Boom.

Speaker 34 Hans Kim,

Speaker 29 one of the legends of the show, has returned.

Speaker 41 How did that feel, Hans? It felt great.

Speaker 144 After the first joke, it felt amazing.

Speaker 144 But yeah, the second and third were great.

Speaker 20 Yes, there you go.

Speaker 28 Play-by-play analysis of your performance.

Speaker 83 Fun.

Speaker 144 I had a lot of fun.

Speaker 22 You're lucky that people from Ohio all speak English and have a good sense of humor.

Speaker 5 Yeah, unlike those Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 31 Whoa, nobody said that.

Speaker 87 Jesus Christ, Hans, you're going to get me in trouble over here.

Speaker 22 So how's life been going? What's going on?

Speaker 144 It's been great. I have just been, you know, as you said when I saw you on Friday, I've just been staying at my house, farting on my girlfriend for a couple months.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 144 I recently went hunting.

Speaker 144 I was in a blind next to a feeder, so not really the kind of hunting that Joe does.

Speaker 122 But yeah, I actually killed a whole deer, and it was kind of small.

Speaker 95 It was a small deer, which is even harder to hit, so I think that's pretty good.

Speaker 28 You killed a baby deer.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Oh my god, Hans, that is not cool.

Speaker 35 Did anyone tell you how old they thought the deer was?

Speaker 27 Did they analyze the size of it?

Speaker 160 No, we just were shooting out there.

Speaker 84 I missed two, I hit one.

Speaker 64 Dude, how bad of a driver do you have to be to drive through a zoo?

Speaker 64 Do you notice he's always smiling no matter what?

Speaker 142 You've got a permanent, like, happy grin.

Speaker 64 Like, have you ever really hit like a kid in a wheelchair and you're just like...

Speaker 144 Yeah, I only have two expressions. Eyebrows up, eyebrows down.

Speaker 64 He has two too. Pants up, pants down.

Speaker 77 Hunch, you look like the accountant for the squid games.

Speaker 77 That's a compliment.

Speaker 144 Thank you, man.

Speaker 144 I'm pretty good at math.

Speaker 77 Hope I can count on your vote in 2095.

Speaker 136 That is true.

Speaker 35 A lot of pandemic themed jokes, they are trying to say that there's a new pandemic happening right now.

Speaker 52 England said to stay at home.

Speaker 138 Bird flu, they're calling it.

Speaker 22 I believe this one comes from...

Speaker 95 There it is. My god, this is patient zero right here.

Speaker 84 Just starting.

Speaker 144 Is that the

Speaker 144 bird that flew into the jet engine?

Speaker 12 No, I'm just sorry.

Speaker 106 How dare you?

Speaker 70 So Hans, how does it make you feel?

Speaker 144 I'm sorry. I don't know.
There's a billion of us. We're just out here coughing on each other.

Speaker 144 We're a peachy dish for a new pandemic.

Speaker 144 Sorry about that, but we did give you gunpowder. So

Speaker 129 That is true.

Speaker 29 What else is going on, Hans?

Speaker 52 Anything else crazy?

Speaker 144 I recently went to Cancun with my girlfriend. We stayed in a resort.

Speaker 144 It's beautiful. It's like a whole nother country down there.

Speaker 51 Was it one of the cheaper resorts in Cancun?

Speaker 144 No, it was quite expensive. I told her I got the cheapest room, and then I got her the most expensive room.

Speaker 70 It was $7,000.

Speaker 97 But

Speaker 144 I shouldn't say that.

Speaker 64 I shouldn't say that in front of a sold-out arena.

Speaker 144 I also have started playing Carcassonne as a board game. Oh, okay.
Carcasson, yeah. And, you know, I recently was in Nashville.

Speaker 144 I, you know, enjoy

Speaker 144 having sex with my girlfriend.

Speaker 147 Okay, wow. Hans just short-circuited there.

Speaker 44 Whoa, whoa, let me...

Speaker 77 Well, one of my favorite things to do is hotel sex.

Speaker 77 What's your favorite position when you're in Cabo with your girl, with your with that guy?

Speaker 14 What'd you do?

Speaker 77 You spent $12,000. What'd you guys do? What'd you and that guy do?

Speaker 144 We did a lot of missionary.

Speaker 77 It's cut to a clip.

Speaker 77 We don't have it. What else did you do?

Speaker 144 We did sideways sex on our sides.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 144 She likes to make it casual.

Speaker 49 She faces the other way.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 71 So it's just super lazy doggy style.

Speaker 144 It's like a dog that fell over.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 31 It's like the deer, the baby deer that you shot.

Speaker 70 How old was this deer?

Speaker 35 I know that you went with somebody that probably has some hunting experience and they were like, oh, fuck, this isn't right.

Speaker 12 I want to know exactly how terrible of a deed you did.

Speaker 144 It was a female baby.

Speaker 144 It was about that tall. It was like a cat.

Speaker 30 I felt like I killed a cat.

Speaker 58 Well, then it couldn't have been that tall if you felt like it was a cat.

Speaker 37 A main coon.

Speaker 144 But no, yeah, I killed it.

Speaker 71 I did a little neck shot right through the neck.

Speaker 70 Oh, absolutely terrible.

Speaker 29 Hans, you should never go hunting again.

Speaker 64 You're going to get a taxidermy and put it in the living room or something, guy?

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 37 It'll just fit in a

Speaker 144 huh it'll it'll fit in a corner doesn't take up too much space a little hump

Speaker 35 your house i'm gonna check in with our senior hunting correspondent joe rogan here

Speaker 97 i want to call a game warden right now i don't know what the fuck you did but this is america

Speaker 157 we don't eat dogs and you can't shoot babies

Speaker 12 piece of shit Jesus Christ.

Speaker 95 That is correct.

Speaker 87 Well, Hans,

Speaker 32 you did it again.

Speaker 82 Another great minute, and you, as always made us feel super awkward and weird during your interview part, but it's always full of insane information.

Speaker 89 Out there shooting baby deers, having sideways sex.

Speaker 66 Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 63 Tony, Tony.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Can I ask you a big favor?

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Stop the music, guys.

Speaker 15 Hold on.

Speaker 61 Hold on. Hold the music here.

Speaker 23 It's a new year, right? Uh-huh.

Speaker 64 I think I want to send the message we go into the new year helping people.

Speaker 64 This may be unprecedented, but for 30 seconds, could you bring back out the guy with the kooky eyes?

Speaker 23 I want to help him.

Speaker 64 I want to cure him.

Speaker 10 Do we have the guy with the kooky eyes anywhere?

Speaker 148 The guy with the kooky, wiggly eyes.

Speaker 152 There he is. Deep pop.

Speaker 64 Can we bring him back up?

Speaker 25 Here he is.

Speaker 64 Bring him back out. Just give me 30 seconds.
I got a cure for this guy. Bring him out on stage.
I want to go into the new year helping, solving this guy's.

Speaker 35 I have a feeling someone's about to get an ultra-ripped condom rubbed into his eyes, everybody.

Speaker 23 I want to help this kid.

Speaker 50 Here he is. Wow, look at that.

Speaker 80 Backstage cameras, the great Notorious Productions.

Speaker 66 How about a hand for the whole crew here working tonight?

Speaker 63 Bring him out.

Speaker 66 The great Anthony Giordano in the truck directing it.

Speaker 136 We've never had backstage cameras before.

Speaker 66 This is actually exciting for me.

Speaker 113 What was his name again?

Speaker 61 His name is Deepak

Speaker 66 Sahota. Alright, Deepak.
Here he comes. Here he comes.

Speaker 61 Here he is. Here's Deepak.

Speaker 66 Come on over, Deepak, all the way across here.

Speaker 64 Come on out here, Deepak. I want to cure you, dude.

Speaker 136 Harlan Williams has an idea on how to cure Deepak.

Speaker 64 Zoom in again on those eyes. Zoom in again on his eyes.

Speaker 29 See if we can get a zoom on these crazy eyes.

Speaker 16 There they are.

Speaker 138 Can we get a little bit tighter on those

Speaker 24 crazy eyes?

Speaker 159 A little tighter.

Speaker 103 Oh my god.

Speaker 64 Now let me ask you, buddy, do you want me to cure you?

Speaker 29 Keep looking at the camera, Deepak.

Speaker 64 I'm over here.

Speaker 44 Just say yes.

Speaker 64 Just say yes. It's fucking show business.

Speaker 107 Say yes.

Speaker 64 Do you believe in me? Do you trust that I can heal you, Deepak?

Speaker 156 Give me the cure.

Speaker 158 Okay.

Speaker 44 All right.

Speaker 22 Harland is looking at him directly in the eyes.

Speaker 18 Oh my God.

Speaker 91 Wow.

Speaker 113 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 15 he is scared.

Speaker 79 Oh my God.

Speaker 79 Deepak.

Speaker 150 Those actually work?

Speaker 44 That is...

Speaker 63 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 78 Let's zoom in on Deepak again.

Speaker 54 Deepak, look out there at the people.

Speaker 17 Let's get that close, Cam.

Speaker 54 Step up to the microphone, Deepak.

Speaker 53 Step up to the microphone.

Speaker 87 How do you feel right now, Deepak?

Speaker 43 You look like a whole new man.

Speaker 68 You're welcome.

Speaker 156 You feel like a visionary.

Speaker 87 I'm telling you right now, if we could just brown up the skin around those straight eyes a little bit, You would be unstoppable.

Speaker 18 You actually look better with those glasses on.

Speaker 52 I never before have we ever seen in the history keep looking out there.

Speaker 88 Keep looking straight out there.

Speaker 23 You're never gonna make it into Sin City 2 now, unfortunately.

Speaker 35 Never before in the history have we ever seen anyone put on comedic glasses and become a good-looking man.

Speaker 77 These are great glasses to challenge somebody to a staring contest in.

Speaker 156 I beat you at that for the record.

Speaker 56 Whoa.

Speaker 64 Deep back, just for old time's sake, put your finger on the glasses like that. Hold them steady.

Speaker 64 Yeah, hold them. Now shake your head.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 126 Just for old time's sake.

Speaker 71 There he goes.

Speaker 27 Harlan Williams has the touch of a god as he has cured deep hacks.

Speaker 156 Do I get to keep the glasses?

Speaker 64 Those are for you. You are healed, my man.

Speaker 133 Welcome to 2025.

Speaker 64 2025.

Speaker 64 healing is alive in 2025

Speaker 66 deepak has been cured of his old shaky eyes and now we roll on to the fifth bucket pull of the night make some noise for andrew champion everybody here's andrew champion

Speaker 66 bucket pull number five

Speaker 66 One more time for Andrew, everybody.

Speaker 73 What the fuck is up us Austin?

Speaker 120 My friend has an Indian Siri.

Speaker 168 It's kind of sketch. I was taking him home one time, and he's like, I got you on the address.

Speaker 168 And it was like,

Speaker 96 I was like, bro, I'm not listening to that. It's going to take me to an ATM machine and tell me to dump all the Bitcoin I have.

Speaker 96 And he was like, hey man, stop hating on my Siri.

Speaker 137 That's my guy. That's my guy.
Stop hating on him.

Speaker 170 And I was like, dude, I'm not trying to get kidnapped at Microsoft headquarters.

Speaker 34 It's not happening.

Speaker 137 Put your ATM card in the machine and dump all of your bank account into the saving account.

Speaker 76 Redeem the credit card, please.

Speaker 137 And he was just like, man, stop hating on my guy. Stop hating on my guy.

Speaker 137 I was like, dude, I'm not hating on your guy.

Speaker 12 Stop calling him your guy. Because

Speaker 137 he wasn't saying he was his guy.

Speaker 170 Replace your guy with some word that I can't say.

Speaker 117 Thank you. That was my time.

Speaker 86 Okay, a bunch of Indian stereotypes

Speaker 109 used in the form of a Siri to deliver the jokes.

Speaker 35 Andrew Champion, look out there straight at that red light out there, and let's just take note that he has the exact same eyes as the glasses that Harlan just put on the last guy.

Speaker 66 Unbelievably just creepy normal eyes.

Speaker 18 There they are.

Speaker 122 Bring Deepak back out.

Speaker 164 Bring Deepak back out.

Speaker 61 I think that is.

Speaker 24 I think Deepak just put on a backwards black hat and did a new minute.

Speaker 22 Making fun of his own family.

Speaker 50 So Andrew, how are you?

Speaker 35 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 170 This is my second time.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 130 What made you start stand-up?

Speaker 78 When was your first time?

Speaker 170 At the Secret Group in Houston.

Speaker 57 Okay.

Speaker 102 How long ago was that?

Speaker 169 About a month and a half ago.

Speaker 38 And here you are in Arena for your second time, which is crazy.

Speaker 29 We've had almost all first times, second times tonight out of the bucket. What made you want to sign up for an arena for your second time ever on stage?

Speaker 170 This was my Christmas gift, so I was like, you know, might as well sign up.

Speaker 154 There you go.

Speaker 49 Who got you this gift for Christmas?

Speaker 14 My mom.

Speaker 57 Wow. Is your mom here?

Speaker 78 She is.

Speaker 58 Did she write a minute?

Speaker 170 She did not, but she has plenty of stories that embarrass me in front of all these people.

Speaker 130 Wow.

Speaker 29 Well, your face is doing that for you.

Speaker 29 What do you do for work, Andrew?

Speaker 168 I work at the Houston Improv.

Speaker 130 Okay. You're a door guy there? Yes, sir.

Speaker 35 Okay. What do you love about Houston?

Speaker 170 Pretty much nothing. I'm trying to move.

Speaker 122 You're trying to move here?

Speaker 137 It could be on the list, but it's kind of set up for Colorado Springs right now.

Speaker 95 What makes you want to move to Colorado Springs?

Speaker 168 I have a lot of good friends there, and I'm trying to get out of the house on my own.

Speaker 29 What do you and your friends do when you guys hang out?

Speaker 5 Smoke?

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Indoors, obviously.

Speaker 168 In a car.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 35 President Joe Biden.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I like your bling. Thank you, man.

Speaker 77 You buy that yourself or was it given it to you by a prostitute?

Speaker 168 A down payment.

Speaker 5 Dr. Pepper?

Speaker 76 What'd you say?

Speaker 168 A down payment.

Speaker 77 A down payment. How much did it cost you?

Speaker 3 It was a Christmas gift.

Speaker 35 Who was it a gift from?

Speaker 168 My parents, yeah.

Speaker 29 Wow, your parents gave you that thick necklace.

Speaker 70 That's true Houston shit right there.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 87 Sipping on faux faux.

Speaker 64 What about the bracelet? What's the story on the bracelet, my guy?

Speaker 146 Hey, move forward a bit.

Speaker 64 You're kind of hiding behind everyone. I can't see.
There you are. Tell us about the bracelet, my guy.

Speaker 168 One of them's a shark tracker, and then the other one I a shark tracker?

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 64 You know, we're like 3,000 miles from the nearest ocean, right, buddy?

Speaker 77 You're afraid of sharks?

Speaker 168 Not really.

Speaker 64 Why do you have a fucking shark tracker?

Speaker 77 Yeah. Good question, Arlen.

Speaker 168 And then the the other bracelet's from an ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 23 So it's what?

Speaker 168 It's from an ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 22 And you still wear this bracelet from your ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 31 I do.

Speaker 77 What fucking bitch gave you a shark tracker bracelet?

Speaker 158 That one was from my mom, but

Speaker 22 how long ago did you and this ex-girlfriend break up?

Speaker 13 Um,

Speaker 168 officially like three months ago.

Speaker 154 Okay.

Speaker 64 Did she ever give you any hammerhead?

Speaker 119 Occasionally, you know.

Speaker 78 When I asked.

Speaker 130 If you could say anything to her right now, look at that red light down there and say something to this girl that broke your heart three months ago.

Speaker 64 And wiggle your eyes back and forth like you're in an earthquake.

Speaker 68 And put your hand on your head like you're a shark.

Speaker 68 I love you still, Michaela.

Speaker 57 What the fuck?

Speaker 23 We actually have a, hold on, we have her on on the why don't you look at the red light

Speaker 35 That is incredible absolute spitting images of one another here put put a condom on your microphone

Speaker 87 You do a no don't yeah, definitely don't do that.

Speaker 147 Just put that in your pocket.

Speaker 54 Put it in your pocket Look back at that camera again.

Speaker 22 Can we zoom in one more time and can we just take note

Speaker 20 that this is what

Speaker 10 a parentless Shane Gillis would have looked like?

Speaker 35 Let's just take note that if he had no mother and father that loved him, this is what Shane would have ended up looking like.

Speaker 23 He should be attacked by a shark, that fucking guy.

Speaker 18 Look at him.

Speaker 68 It's Payne Gillis.

Speaker 95 What's the weirdest drug you've ever done?

Speaker 71 You have very low levels of vitamin D.

Speaker 168 I haven't adventured out from weed.

Speaker 70 Do you hate vegetables?

Speaker 168 No, I actually love vegetables.

Speaker 34 You do? Yeah.

Speaker 102 Well, Fiona Collie's backstage, so.

Speaker 83 Oh,

Speaker 83 yeah.

Speaker 87 Come on, we're having.

Speaker 122 I'm not going to standing for you.

Speaker 136 Oh, yeah, that's the kind of jokes we like.

Speaker 106 Just absolutely wrong.

Speaker 35 So is Fiona right now.

Speaker 87 She's running away.

Speaker 85 Fun stuff.

Speaker 52 Andrew, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 85 Congratulations.

Speaker 16 No glasses necessary.

Speaker 35 Sleeping with Deepak eyes.

Speaker 35 Woo!

Speaker 53 Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 68 I like that guy.

Speaker 10 Hold the music.

Speaker 51 We have come to a very special part of the show.

Speaker 70 Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has progressed and we've hit so many milestones, we have been able to hit levels that I never thought before we could ever hit.

Speaker 130 And we have the respect of so many people that I've looked up to for so long.

Speaker 38 And it is incredible and surreal to bring up this next special treat and very special comedian.

Speaker 35 He's been one of my favorites since as far back as I can remember, and I can guarantee you he's one of everybody's favorites.

Speaker 49 The fact that he's here to grace us with his presence truly boggles my mind.

Speaker 22 Ladies and gentlemen, dropping in on this show,

Speaker 28 I present to you one of the greatest of all time and the first comedian ever in history to sell out an arena.

Speaker 88 This is Andrew Dice Clay

Speaker 7 live and in the flesh, baby.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 83 my God.

Speaker 110 Test.

Speaker 73 You know, I'll tell you the truth.

Speaker 73 I didn't even know I was going to make it here tonight, Tony.

Speaker 10 You know what I mean, Joey?

Speaker 151 Mr. President.

Speaker 73 You got to understand, half these planes don't even take off anymore.

Speaker 73 And I wanted to be here. so I'm walking around the airport

Speaker 73 and I see this

Speaker 44 spirit air

Speaker 73 some guy there

Speaker 76 with a

Speaker 93 with a pit doodle

Speaker 73 trying to fucking check in

Speaker 73 And I just cut him off and I say to the lady, I go, look, I got to get on this airline. I see you're going to Austin.
How much for first class? She's going, $35.

Speaker 73 I go, $35? Here's $100. Keep the fucking change.

Speaker 73 And she goes, but the bags, the bags are going to be $750 a piece.

Speaker 73 Yeah, okay, good for me, right?

Speaker 73 So now I get on the plane. It's not even like a real first class.
It's like folding chairs.

Speaker 73 And there is no, there's no,

Speaker 73 it's first class and last class.

Speaker 73 Like standing room, like a fucking train.

Speaker 73 And in the first class, there's no movies, there's no entertainment of any kind. I'm thinking, this is going to be a long fucking flight.

Speaker 105 Till

Speaker 73 about 45 minutes into the flight is when the MMA fights start in the aisles.

Speaker 73 Where some Karen says something to some guy and then her husband and everybody starts swinging it out There's fucking blood splattering and Just when you think it's all calming down, some guy in last class goes,

Speaker 73 I just want to kill everybody,

Speaker 73 and he starts trying to open the fucking emergency door. And I got to tell you, in my whole years of flying, I never saw a pilot come running through the aisle.
swinging like an animal.

Speaker 73 It was like watching Joe Pesci and fucking Goodfellas where he'd go, you motherfucker, I'm gonna fucking end you

Speaker 73 I'm telling you I I

Speaker 73 I just can't take the fucking holidays you know

Speaker 73 two weeks I'm in New York my chick is from here actually

Speaker 106 and

Speaker 73 and about two weeks into December you know she's like she loves Christmas but she's looking like under the tree she's going

Speaker 73 did you forget

Speaker 73 to put something there?

Speaker 73 And I'm going, did you forget to blow me?

Speaker 73 I mean, depending on how good you fucking blow me, I'll go into the 23-degree fucking weather, but it might be J.C. Penny.

Speaker 73 It might be Macy's Nordstrom, or if it's that fucking good, Sachs fucking Fifth Avenue.

Speaker 12 How does that sound?

Speaker 73 and then

Speaker 73 and then everywhere you go every party it's a fucking turkey

Speaker 73 starting with Thanksgiving right another fucking do you know nobody likes turkey

Speaker 73 when you go to somebody's house during the year

Speaker 73 And you come with a nice bottle of wine, you look at the guy and go, what are we having?

Speaker 12 Steak, chops?

Speaker 73 The guy goes, turkey.

Speaker 73 I go, give me the fucking wine back.

Speaker 73 Yeah, honey, put your coat on, walk out the door. Go ahead.
Walk out the door. We're not friends with them no more.

Speaker 73 And then what I love about all of you, when I see you at parties, when you're eating the stuffing, you're all just terrible fucking actors.

Speaker 44 Because you're all like, oh my God.

Speaker 73 This stuffing is beyond belief.

Speaker 105 And you're all saying that

Speaker 73 because we all know

Speaker 73 that the stuffing for hours on end has been baked in the

Speaker 73 turkey.

Speaker 73 And you can't believe there's no turkey fucking asshole taste.

Speaker 73 There's no asshole smell on the stuffing.

Speaker 73 And then my girl comes over to me.

Speaker 44 She goes, babe,

Speaker 73 what part of the turkey do you want me to save for you

Speaker 73 do you want the wing or the breast or the or the thigh I go you know what

Speaker 73 let me have the clit

Speaker 73 I already ate out of its asshole

Speaker 73 let me have the fucking clit

Speaker 73 Look out other nice couples in the front.

Speaker 73 What's your name, honey?

Speaker 5 Any idea?

Speaker 73 Remind me to pinch your tits after the show.

Speaker 77 I like you.

Speaker 73 The red fucking dress with those big fucking pig tits.

Speaker 77 I love that shit.

Speaker 73 Big fucking pig tits and a fat ass.

Speaker 169 What's better than that, right, my friend?

Speaker 73 What'd you meet? Like on a site? That's the thing today. We meet on the site.
Swipe to the left if you just think she's a big, fat, ugly cow.

Speaker 73 Or swipe to the right if you could see coming all over her

Speaker 73 see years ago see a lot of people don't realize I'm a romantic

Speaker 73 okay

Speaker 73 35 years ago you'd meet a girl at a club

Speaker 73 at a bar Take her for dinner, you let her think you're fucking listening to her.

Speaker 73 Oh, really, that's what you want to be, yeah, Gofio.

Speaker 73 And then you don't even realize, all of a sudden, her pants are on the floor near your bed with her bra and her tongue.

Speaker 73 You're in 69 position with her on top and you're working over her fucking sour grapefruit between her legs as you're staring into the eye.

Speaker 132 of her asshole

Speaker 73 and i'm thinking

Speaker 63 i don't even know her favorite color

Speaker 118 all right you've been a great crowd god bless have a great new year tonight thank you

Speaker 133 thank you

Speaker 44 come on people the legend the undisputed king andrew dykes clay

Speaker 65 Holy shit

Speaker 22 Wow, coming off an amazing weekend at the mothership.

Speaker 35 It's amazing he's stuck around for us.

Speaker 27 How about one more time?

Speaker 11 He can still hear you, the legend Andrew Dice

Speaker 30 play.

Speaker 56 And this is indeed bucket pool number six, right?

Speaker 97 Yep, that's what we got.

Speaker 53 You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 53 It never would have been imagined in this world that you could one day be on a comedy show and be pulled out of a bucket in an arena having to follow Andrew Dice Clay.

Speaker 66 But this next lucky human has the job to do. 60 seconds going to your next bucket pool.

Speaker 63 Luke, stam.

Speaker 79 Luke, stam, everybody.

Speaker 66 Here he comes.

Speaker 91 One more time for Luke, everybody.

Speaker 169 I'm tired of pretending that I have to care about homeless people.

Speaker 108 Because I fucking hate homeless people.

Speaker 108 They always come up to you asking you for something they don't need, like a dollar.

Speaker 44 It's like, bitch, you don't even have legs.

Speaker 93 What are you going to go spend it on?

Speaker 108 You know, they never come up to you asking you for something they do need, like a piggyback ride.

Speaker 108 To the nearest bridge.

Speaker 76 That way you can toss them off into into the river.

Speaker 108 That's a win-win because if they die they get to move into the house of God

Speaker 108 and If they live they've been stinking up the corner for a week anyway.

Speaker 169 They can start fresh and clean 20 miles the fuck away from me

Speaker 108 Now I understand there's a lot of veterans that are homeless and I want to have a soft spot for them But it's hard for me too because we taught them how to make money It's like as soon as they became homeless, they forgot how to point a gun in someone's face.

Speaker 73 Why are you asking me for a dollar? Come and take it, bitch.

Speaker 122 I fucking love it.

Speaker 99 A real bucket pull.

Speaker 140 A half a standing ovation in a goddamn arena for Luke Stam.

Speaker 72 And it is becoming a full standing ovation.

Speaker 95 What an unbelievably surreal situation.

Speaker 50 Five bucket pulls before you.

Speaker 95 Barely anybody move the crowd at all.

Speaker 78 Andrew Dice Clay comes up, crushes, and you have no problem following it.

Speaker 95 A true professional and an unbelievable performance that you will undoubtedly remember for the rest of your life.

Speaker 103 And you're going to remember you did it all with that.

Speaker 22 Stupid fucking mustache on your face.

Speaker 148 I almost trimmed it today, too.

Speaker 59 Welcome back to the show Luke. You've been on once or twice?

Speaker 148 This is my third time.

Speaker 102 Yep, third time for Luke Stam.

Speaker 52 You live here in Austin.

Speaker 86 Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 169 About four and a half years, something like that. And how?

Speaker 157 Yeah, Joe? I was going to say that homeless veteran jet.

Speaker 92 That's a solid joke, dude.

Speaker 5 Oh, very, very fun.

Speaker 20 Yeah, it's great.

Speaker 78 Especially your passion.

Speaker 22 You held on to the mic stand.

Speaker 109 You stayed right in the pocket.

Speaker 28 You knew what you were saying.

Speaker 35 You looked at the audience the whole time.

Speaker 29 You see these people that uh have been doing it that's from his reference of tripping from 45 seconds ago for those of you wondering how far red band is behind on the soundboard right now

Speaker 53 and you delivered it passionately you believed in what you were saying you thought it was funny to you and you that's because i hate homeless people you don't have to pretend you also played on

Speaker 44 disgusting it is true it is true and i was one for a while so it's fine yeah you still are wearing the same clothes you were then.

Speaker 114 Let's go with the President of the United States for.

Speaker 77 First of all, I've never seen someone so angry about giving out a piggyback.

Speaker 77 But second of all, what was your favorite thing about being homeless?

Speaker 148 No cares in the world, I guess.

Speaker 43 Get to...

Speaker 111 I was hammered the entire time.

Speaker 126 I don't remember.

Speaker 77 What was your favorite food when you were homeless?

Speaker 169 My favorite food when I was

Speaker 64 your mother's.

Speaker 20 Wow, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 33 That's what you get, Joe Biden, for asking such questions.

Speaker 15 That is the correct answer.

Speaker 122 Wait, wait, wait, wait, that won't be coming.

Speaker 77 You mean my mother's dead?

Speaker 77 You betcha, you fucking pervert.

Speaker 70 You do look like you ate wells for a homeless guy.

Speaker 91 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 64 He looks like he ate some homeless guys.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 54 You won't give a piggy back, but you do have a piggy friend.

Speaker 117 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 58 You just jump in whenever you want there.

Speaker 22 Very good.

Speaker 57 We know you're not homeless anymore.

Speaker 49 I'm going to do the joke that you stepped on.

Speaker 28 You won't give a piggy back, but you do have a piggy front.

Speaker 26 Still worth it.

Speaker 38 Really would have been better if you wouldn't have answered questions from a few seconds before.

Speaker 70 And here we go.

Speaker 57 How long have you been on the homeless?

Speaker 169 I moved here in April, at the end of April.

Speaker 18 How do you make money now? That is.

Speaker 64 Oh, I do valet.

Speaker 35 We've talked about that. Yep, that's right.

Speaker 77 At Baskin-Robbins?

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 34 All right. So you have a home now.

Speaker 64 Describe your home. I mean, you were homeless.
Do you have a condo? Do you have a house? What do you got?

Speaker 169 I live in an apartment with two other people.

Speaker 33 Do you have a bedroom?

Speaker 169 Yeah, I got my own bedroom, own bed. I live with a married couple now, so I get like all the perks of sex.

Speaker 43 No, no, I get to hear all of it, but what sort of noises are fresh meal every night?

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Dude, that mustache, I gotta ask you, the way it's twirled up on each side, just so I know, is there a woman somewhere tied to a railway track right now?

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Every hour I'm on stage, one less woman an hour is getting.

Speaker 64 It's fucking hard to hear about the homeless and the guy who fucking owns Monopoly.

Speaker 54 Let me, let's go back for a second to this living situation.

Speaker 114 So you said that you hear them fucking and stuff and having a bunch of fun from the other side of the wall?

Speaker 126 Yeah, it's the only way I can fall asleep peacefully.

Speaker 35 Amazing.

Speaker 131 So you've gotten used to it.

Speaker 164 Yeah.

Speaker 60 Right.

Speaker 35 Does hearing people have fun on the other side of a wall make you a Mexican?

Speaker 97 I hope not.

Speaker 28 I was finally able to get one out.

Speaker 70 You gave me some space to get a full one out there.

Speaker 154 It was perfect.

Speaker 68 You're You're welcome.

Speaker 129 Thank you, Luke, for permission.

Speaker 77 You have the energy of somebody that feels like they're going to shoot up a Buka de Pepo.

Speaker 148 Buka de Pepo?

Speaker 34 You got it.

Speaker 113 You messed it.

Speaker 54 Luke, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 148 I just...

Speaker 169 Do stand-up.

Speaker 22 When you're not doing stand-up, for example, we found out tonight Hans Kim shoots baby deers.

Speaker 148 Oh, he shoots baby deer.

Speaker 169 Well, what would I do for fun if I had the time to? Yeah.

Speaker 169 I like killing animals.

Speaker 97 Okay.

Speaker 61 He did not say the word hunting, folks.

Speaker 103 It's a very big red flag.

Speaker 169 You don't have to hunt down a frog to stomp on it.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 28 Is that what you do? Have you done that?

Speaker 34 That's a great job.

Speaker 108 I'm just trying to think of what I would do for fun.

Speaker 64 You ever punched the shit out of a puppy?

Speaker 148 I've struck a few dogs in my day.

Speaker 64 You've shocked a few dogs.

Speaker 146 No, struck them.

Speaker 142 You shuck corn.

Speaker 126 You don't shuck dogs, dude.

Speaker 12 Wow, the crowd is booing.

Speaker 34 What made them turn on me?

Speaker 16 They are turning on you.

Speaker 101 It's like punch it.

Speaker 28 You didn't exactly answer the have you punched a puppy question correctly?

Speaker 148 No, I have not punched a puppy.

Speaker 169 Wait till their skulls get as thick as Joe's, and then you can really give it to them.

Speaker 24 What does that mean?

Speaker 18 I don't know.

Speaker 77 Wow. We should get this guy a shark tracker bracelet.

Speaker 44 Come on.

Speaker 35 This is an amazing show where you could watch somebody make it and then slowly fall off the mountain right in front of your eyes over seven minutes.

Speaker 127 Oops.

Speaker 64 You know you're going to be homeless in a week, right?

Speaker 106 Can't wait.

Speaker 64 At least there'll be lots of strays you can beat the shit out of.

Speaker 131 That's how you get good at it.

Speaker 64 What'd you say about his mother again?

Speaker 148 I forget. Something about her twat.

Speaker 148 That's the one I used.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 35 You got a big joke book last time you were on?

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 90 Here's a big H-E-B joke book for you, Luke Stam.

Speaker 49 I'm gonna try to remember the first four minutes of this whole interaction.

Speaker 100 Luke Stam.

Speaker 25 Everybody, there he goes.

Speaker 35 The set of the night, as far as bucket pulls go.

Speaker 33 And let's do another

Speaker 86 regular, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 103 you guys are about to go crazy ladies and gentlemen i present to you one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show a man who is destined without a doubt to eventually get his american citizenship

Speaker 72 this is the brand new minute from one of my funniest friends in the fucking world

Speaker 111 the real deal the estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty.

Speaker 111 Okay.

Speaker 111 Okay.

Speaker 158 Which one of you bitches do I gotta marry to get this fucking passport, huh?

Speaker 158 Can be a guy too. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 158 I don't care about the gender. I care about the documents.

Speaker 158 I'll easily suck pick for freedom, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 158 And I'm listening I'm like a professional immigrant. I know everything about visas.

Speaker 158 I watch 90 Day Fiancé

Speaker 158 like it's game tape, dude.

Speaker 158 The key that I've learned, the key

Speaker 158 is pregnancy.

Speaker 47 That's why Texas is perfect.

Speaker 93 No abortion sounds like a guarantee.

Speaker 44 Who's trapping who, bitch?

Speaker 158 But to be fair,

Speaker 158 knowing my luck, it would be very me that I do get someone pregnant here, but then it turns out she's also an illegal immigrant.

Speaker 158 Now we give birth to a Mexican Estonian.

Speaker 77 The most useless passport in the world.

Speaker 34 Thank you very much.

Speaker 107 Hey, hey.

Speaker 25 The one, the only, the great, the powerful, the established Estonian assassin,

Speaker 35 Ari Matty, wearing a very fancy Estonian fila full jogging suit this evening.

Speaker 64 Yeah, it looks like you just came from a badminton tournament.

Speaker 65 What the hell's going on?

Speaker 158 Badminton? Yeah.

Speaker 146 It doesn't matter. You make iced tea.

Speaker 44 I love a badminton.

Speaker 139 I don't know.

Speaker 35 What are some big Estonian sports?

Speaker 136 They don't have badminton there?

Speaker 41 No, we have like, oh, this.

Speaker 158 Oh my God. One time I said on this podcast that we don't have any athletes and all the Estonians lost their mind.
We have a female

Speaker 146 disc golf.

Speaker 106 Whoa.

Speaker 97 Oh, what a sport.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 57 This is a big disc golf crowd.

Speaker 158 What a stupid sport.

Speaker 155 Have you ever played it?

Speaker 158 Yeah, I tried it.

Speaker 34 Wow.

Speaker 158 What an experience.

Speaker 70 You did it with like the heavy disc and everything and people that knew what they were doing?

Speaker 105 Yeah, it's boring.

Speaker 13 I think it's cool.

Speaker 158 Walk around in nature like an asshole with my little discus.

Speaker 35 Even Red Band just said he thinks it's a cool sport.

Speaker 4 Of course, Red Band loves that sport.

Speaker 110 Ball in the wrist.

Speaker 44 It's like golf, but...

Speaker 44 With a free feet.

Speaker 10 He plays biscuit golf.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 111 He throws biscuits into his mouth and he celebrates after with a biscuit.

Speaker 44 So stupid.

Speaker 12 What do you love?

Speaker 28 What do you do for fun here in America?

Speaker 34 I don't really ever ask you that.

Speaker 158 I got my first BB gun.

Speaker 112 Oh, shit.

Speaker 158 You can just get them at the store.

Speaker 146 It's crazy, huh?

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 158 Just 30 bucks.

Speaker 34 Kill a squirrel.

Speaker 55 You're killing it.

Speaker 112 Did you say a BB gun?

Speaker 148 Sorry, what? Did you say a BB gun?

Speaker 64 BB gun.

Speaker 125 He calls that a stutter gun.

Speaker 77 Yeah, I thought you said a

Speaker 97 pee be gun.

Speaker 77 Where are you from?

Speaker 20 Great question, Joe Biden.

Speaker 111 He's from Estonia.

Speaker 158 Hey, Joe Biden, can you take a moment from pardoning rapists and give me this fucking passport?

Speaker 77 What do you think, America?

Speaker 77 Should I pardon the Estonian assassin?

Speaker 77 Are you from the USS Hard R?

Speaker 77 I'll give you a pardon.

Speaker 68 Hit me up on Venmo.

Speaker 150 She.

Speaker 77 How you doing, Joe Rogan?

Speaker 114 This is the closest you two have come to doing a podcast together.

Speaker 122 I offered.

Speaker 77 I was on Facebook.

Speaker 114 This is a great moment.

Speaker 97 President Joe Biden, why did you not do Joe Rogan's podcast?

Speaker 85 I I was asleep.

Speaker 68 You're going to call me when I'm awake from 3 to 3.15.

Speaker 106 Come on.

Speaker 158 Look it up, Jamie.

Speaker 49 Oh, you know some of the terminology.

Speaker 53 You have you listened to or watched an episode?

Speaker 106 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 97 Yeah?

Speaker 106 Which one?

Speaker 76 There's a part about Bigfoot.

Speaker 97 Come on.

Speaker 35 I think you just say things that your advisors tell you and you remember key words.

Speaker 65 Huh?

Speaker 28 Ari, what do you think about there being a new president right around the corner?

Speaker 52 How do you think this looks for your president?

Speaker 158 Well, I'm nervous about his immigration policies.

Speaker 146 So I don't know how this will be.

Speaker 158 The inauguration is on my birthday, though, so very exciting day for all of us, huh?

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Absolutely.

Speaker 158 I do love that Tony keeps saying we got you and that the visa things are fine. I haven't got an email tony it's okay march 15 is coming up that's when my work visa expires you're gonna be just fine

Speaker 158 uh anything else sorry maddie what else is going on you're back well okay okay i'll okay okay i'll tell you so i was having a great day you know scrolling on instagram you know i was

Speaker 158 following some titties you know

Speaker 158 yeah titties yes michael gets it, one straight guy.

Speaker 158 A lot of you guys don't like titties?

Speaker 65 And I follow a lot of, you know, bitches with titties.

Speaker 44 So I follow this one girl. I've been following her for a few years, apparently, you know.

Speaker 158 And she comes up on my feed.

Speaker 148 She's a cutie batootie.

Speaker 158 And I do the usual thing. I'm not a pervert, so I don't message them.
I do the usual thing. You scroll, like a few pictures, you know.

Speaker 158 Not all the sexy ones, maybe a few ones with the dog to let him know I like you as a person, you know.

Speaker 30 You like their photos.

Speaker 124 Yeah, you scroll back a little, and because I'm verified, it comes up like,

Speaker 158 you know.

Speaker 77 So then she ruins my day. This is what she writes to me.

Speaker 158 She goes, wait, I'll find it.

Speaker 35 Oh, is this gonna be like Rick Diaz's?

Speaker 127 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 77 She writes me a DM.

Speaker 156 She goes, fuck you, you asshole, you weirdo.

Speaker 158 You're only liking my pictures since I developed anorexia again

Speaker 158 so I wrote back when does it kick in

Speaker 158 don't step into the snake pit if you don't want to get bit bitch

Speaker 158 no no no no this is what she writes before she reported me she goes you

Speaker 158 she goes you ruined my day, you piece of shit.

Speaker 158 So I wrote back, no I didn't. Dinner is still ahead, XO, XO.

Speaker 66 Fucking. Oh my god.

Speaker 93 Fucking rude bitch. I was trying to be nice.

Speaker 158 I didn't know you have fucking anorexia. Fuck you.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 88 That is anger in the air tonight.

Speaker 154 It's weird. Yeah.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 158 It ruined my day. I'm not a pervert, you know, I'm a nice guy.
I just like your pictures. Also, yeah, you post big titties.

Speaker 36 Of course, I'm gonna follow. Fuck.

Speaker 77 It's a great t-shirt.

Speaker 22 It's incredible.

Speaker 131 I have a feeling her day gets ruined pretty easily.

Speaker 34 Yeah, probably, right?

Speaker 116 Moody bitch.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Amazing.

Speaker 148 Did you say she had big titties?

Speaker 34 Big, big, big, big titties.

Speaker 64 But she's anorexic.

Speaker 100 I know, right? That's what I'm...

Speaker 105 I didn't even notice.

Speaker 124 What's her Instagram?

Speaker 106 Let's look at it.

Speaker 12 Oh, Red Band's interested.

Speaker 122 Red Ban.

Speaker 139 I don't know. Anyway, no, definitely don't do that.

Speaker 87 Definitely don't do that.

Speaker 28 Well, Ari, you did it again.

Speaker 41 Thank you.

Speaker 127 Killing it in a fila suit.

Speaker 35 The Estonian dream.

Speaker 100 Thank you.

Speaker 25 Ari Maddie.

Speaker 122 Here we go.

Speaker 70 Bucket pull number seven, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Carly Rose.

Speaker 12 Carly Rose is next.

Speaker 91 God damn.

Speaker 103 How about another hand for Heidi, huh?

Speaker 16 Here she is, Carly Rose, everybody.

Speaker 166 I always hear people talk about being the personality hire at their job, but I'm disabled, so I do not work. But I was the personality hire at my children's hospital.

Speaker 166 And that's a lot to ask of a dying 13-year-old. Morale is super low, and my jokes just don't kill like cancer on the sixth floor.

Speaker 166 But honestly, being disabled is not that bad. I come with like built-in party tricks.
I have two different options for body shots.

Speaker 166 And I also don't need any alcohol to black out.

Speaker 166 I'm really easy to date rape. You just have to make me stand still for five minutes and I will hit the fucking floor.

Speaker 56 Okay,

Speaker 145 Carly Rose.

Speaker 154 There you go.

Speaker 14 Now I know why those other guys were angry.

Speaker 109 Carly, you performed like someone that would have purple dyed hair.

Speaker 51 So let's just get into it.

Speaker 86 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 166 Not very long.

Speaker 22 Okay, you want to be more specific?

Speaker 166 Well, I've been working around comedy for about three years. I worked at a venue out in Satellite Beach, Florida.
Okay. It's a record store.

Speaker 166 And then I started comedy photography, and then I got into doing stand-up.

Speaker 70 There we're almost getting to the answer now.

Speaker 137 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 114 How many times have you done stand-up? Any of those things?

Speaker 166 I've done like a handful of times, like four times.

Speaker 109 Okay, what made you sign up tonight?

Speaker 166 Just wanted to give it a shot.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 54 All right.

Speaker 35 Let's check in with the President of the United States, Joe.

Speaker 34 Hey, hey, hey, she's a.

Speaker 68 She's a real American.

Speaker 77 Give her a chance. Give her a chance to answer.

Speaker 166 Yeah, thank you for my disability. I love my $900 a month.

Speaker 77 I didn't know we said that.

Speaker 77 What's with the second belly button?

Speaker 50 That was my next question.

Speaker 166 Yeah, it's from a feeding tube.

Speaker 127 The feeding tube? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 35 Why did you have a feeding tube?

Speaker 57 Are you the anorexic that's in R.E.

Speaker 66 Maddie's DMs?

Speaker 166 Nope. My stomach's paralyzed, so I don't digest properly or absorb nutrients properly, so I'm just perma skinny.

Speaker 44 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 20 Skinning.

Speaker 106 Weirder and weirder.

Speaker 90 Oh, let's check back in with Joe Biden.

Speaker 77 Well, we're trying to lower the prices of feeding tubes, so give me some time.

Speaker 135 Let's check in with Joe Rogan here.

Speaker 90 Joe, what do you think?

Speaker 117 I was going to say, Red Bad, a boy can dream.

Speaker 12 That's it.

Speaker 10 Imagine you two just hanging out at night, you sucking on her feeding tube when she's asleep, just straight to the mouth.

Speaker 127 She's slurping it down.

Speaker 106 It's like a never-ending milkshake.

Speaker 50 Baby Redbin drinking out of his baba.

Speaker 133 Oh.

Speaker 86 You have an iron deficiency.

Speaker 95 It's the most disgusting thing I've ever pictured.

Speaker 155 Yes, boo indeed, big sir.

Speaker 28 I love it. So what do you do with life now with purple hair like that?

Speaker 166 I bake a lot and I sing.

Speaker 12 What do you sing?

Speaker 50 Karaoke.

Speaker 49 What do you sing at karaoke?

Speaker 166 I like Crazy by Narls Barkley.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 20 Nah, screw it.

Speaker 88 Anything else?

Speaker 50 Any redeeming qualities that might make this crowd.

Speaker 17 I don't know.

Speaker 18 You guys think we should hear us sing? Yeah. Come on.

Speaker 77 All right. Very cool, Joe.

Speaker 166 Can I just start whenever?

Speaker 136 Well, you're going to hear the band. they're gonna play and you know the kind of the song.

Speaker 63 Kind of, yeah.

Speaker 35 Do you know how it goes?

Speaker 20 I'll start, Joe.

Speaker 166 Yeah, I just feel like I'm gonna pass.

Speaker 44 I remember when. I remember when.

Speaker 63 I remember, I remember when I lost my mind.

Speaker 67 There you go.

Speaker 67 There was something so pleasant about that place.

Speaker 63 Even your emotions had an echo in so much face.

Speaker 67 When you're out there without care, yeah, I was out of touch.

Speaker 67 But it wasn't because I didn't know enough.

Speaker 63 I just knew too much.

Speaker 63 Cause I make me crazy.

Speaker 63 Cause I make me crazy.

Speaker 63 Cause I make me crazy.

Speaker 63 Possibly.

Speaker 10 There you go, you did something tonight.

Speaker 15 Look at that. Would you like to go to the secret show tonight?

Speaker 63 And Flugermo?

Speaker 103 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 100 Let me suck on that.

Speaker 77 What's your favorite food to eat out of the feeding tube?

Speaker 166 I used to get in trouble for eating jolly ranchers because when you drain it, it looks like blood.

Speaker 59 Oh my god, you used to put jolly ranchers directly into your feeding tube?

Speaker 166 No, but I did do a shot once directly through my feeding tube because why would you you want to taste it?

Speaker 134 Whoa.

Speaker 15 Joy reached her some vodka and soaked it.

Speaker 166 Yeah, just like white gummy bear shot.

Speaker 154 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I'd imagine her doctor being, what the fuck am I fixing you for?

Speaker 166 Well, that's what they said when I took the tube out myself.

Speaker 159 Why is your hole infected again?

Speaker 6 Shocks.

Speaker 157 Thinking about all the years he spent in medical school, fucking carefully stitching her together.

Speaker 95 He walks into the medical room.

Speaker 35 She's just smoking a cigarette through her fucking stomach.

Speaker 78 Hey, Doc, did my test results come in?

Speaker 151 Just inhaling through the stomach,

Speaker 95 exhaling through the mouth.

Speaker 22 Jesus Christ Almighty.

Speaker 64 You ever fart backwards and suck a full hot dog wiener inside?

Speaker 166 I can't say I have. I can't say I have.

Speaker 56 You will. You will.

Speaker 166 One day.

Speaker 20 Has that ever been done before?

Speaker 114 Did you ever get sexual with it in any way?

Speaker 70 Did a guy ever shoot his load in your tube or anything?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 166 No. But I did get my uterus removed, and that has been very fun sexually, because there's just no worries.

Speaker 135 Wait, why did you get your...

Speaker 87 Wait, there's some barren women clapping in the audience.

Speaker 28 What made you get your uterus removed?

Speaker 166 Um, all of my illnesses are genetic, and I just felt like it was a responsible decision to not pass this shit on.

Speaker 88 Wow, that's incredible.

Speaker 61 Amazing.

Speaker 28 You hear that, Latinos? You can do that.

Speaker 159 Yeah.

Speaker 128 If you put your mind to it, you don't have to procreate.

Speaker 95 The Latinos are actually nodding and agreeing as I see you out there.

Speaker 55 You're like, hey, not a bad idea, dude.

Speaker 77 Tony, what did I say about doing the accent?

Speaker 68 It's hilarious.

Speaker 95 So how long ago did you get the uterus removed?

Speaker 118 How How long ago?

Speaker 88 Yeah, ballpark.

Speaker 166 It was actually last year, Friday the 13th in October.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 18 Amazing.

Speaker 70 Jason Voorhees would be very proud.

Speaker 154 Thank you.

Speaker 22 So how exactly did sex change after getting your uterus taken out?

Speaker 166 I used to have a lot of pain with sex, so there's none of that. And I knew I wanted to move to Texas and obviously the whole abortion thing here.

Speaker 166 So it's really nice to not have to worry about that ever. You can't get me pregnant.
It's great. You just not.

Speaker 35 don't have to worry about having to get an abortion.

Speaker 129 That is correct.

Speaker 129 That is true.

Speaker 29 There's a lot of horny men cheering for this right now. You can really tell who jerked off today and who didn't.

Speaker 166 Sorry to disappoint. I have a boyfriend.
There's already someone loading shit in there.

Speaker 68 Wow.

Speaker 29 What does your boyfriend do for a living?

Speaker 166 He's a comic.

Speaker 64 He's a shop vac.

Speaker 170 He's the guy with the mustache.

Speaker 114 He makes his money being a full-time comedian?

Speaker 166 He works at a dispensary as well.

Speaker 68 Right, there it is.

Speaker 64 Aren't you a dispensary in a way?

Speaker 106 Yes.

Speaker 66 No, I'm like a bank.

Speaker 64 You ever squeeze out chocolate chips?

Speaker 166 I'm more like a bank than a dispensary because

Speaker 4 you make deposits.

Speaker 53 Gotcha.

Speaker 134 All right. Well.

Speaker 22 Very fun, Carly.

Speaker 90 You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 71 fun interview you saved it with all

Speaker 122 crazy life experience stay safe in those streets

Speaker 69 I feel like I know too much

Speaker 63 I feel like I don't know enough

Speaker 16 we have a I've been informed by somebody's advisors that we have a special treat.

Speaker 32 I don't know if you remember this President Joe Biden, but somebody just put in my ear that some of your advisors said that you prepared a little something for tonight.

Speaker 2 You guys,

Speaker 77 I'm going to be done being president in about two weeks and I am looking to pick up a new hobby and I thought I could do a minute here on Kill Tony tonight.

Speaker 77 You guys might have to do a minute and stand up.

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing.

Speaker 50 The President of the United States of America.

Speaker 16 We've seen this before.

Speaker 101 Always great sets

Speaker 16 from this guy.

Speaker 83 One more time for Joe Biden.

Speaker 91 Hey, America, how we doing?

Speaker 77 One more time for Joe Rogan, Tony Inchcliffe, and Harlan Williams, everybody.

Speaker 68 Come on.

Speaker 110 Come on, keep it going over here.

Speaker 77 We got a kid over here.

Speaker 34 David Lucas.

Speaker 77 Give it up for the star of sex and the obesity.

Speaker 68 I love that guy.

Speaker 77 David's the only guy with a harder time with stairs than me.

Speaker 34 We'll keep it in.

Speaker 77 People say I don't take the border problem seriously. I say, why do you think I moved David to Texas? You want to get in this country? You got to go through his fat ass.
Come on.

Speaker 76 Keep it going for Hans Kim, everybody.

Speaker 148 Come on, he's still here.

Speaker 92 Keep it going for Hans Kim.

Speaker 77 Hans is autistic, or as I call it, he's hochimintly retarded.

Speaker 34 What else we got?

Speaker 2 Ari Maddie,

Speaker 14 didn't I, what are you doing here? Didn't I trade you to get Brittany Griner back?

Speaker 34 Happy holidays.

Speaker 14 Arlie, you look Ari, you look like you have a 401 KKK

Speaker 77 Ari, you look like he watches Disney movies just to see the parents die.

Speaker 14 Roofy Hauser MD.

Speaker 77 All right, what else we got? Red Band's here. Red Band looks so sad.

Speaker 77 It's just because he saw the list of foods that RFK is going to ban.

Speaker 77 Like bagels and fruit.

Speaker 76 Red Band looks like even his knees have double chins.

Speaker 14 I love you, Red Band.

Speaker 77 Congrats on the engagement.

Speaker 77 What else we got? Hans Kim

Speaker 77 buys his clothes on Amazon.

Speaker 77 Tony looks like Marty McFly got on the DeLorean and said it to gay guy.

Speaker 77 That's all to me. I'm just President Joe Biden.
I got two weeks left.

Speaker 66 Maybe I'll get set up comedy going.

Speaker 66 I'm going to go take a pee.

Speaker 63 I got to take a pee.

Speaker 83 I gotta go to the bathroom.

Speaker 118 We'll see you guys. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Speaker 16 He's gotta go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to Joe Rogan.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, I was on the Joe Rogan experience.

Speaker 140 He was on, this is Kiltoni, but yeah, you were with Joe.

Speaker 70 He's going pee.

Speaker 66 Look at that walk away.

Speaker 103 Is that not iconic or what?

Speaker 44 There he goes.

Speaker 19 He's just in character every step of the way.

Speaker 126 With that walk. Holy crap.

Speaker 122 He's doing it.

Speaker 52 Oh, he doesn't know he's on the backstage camera.

Speaker 87 That's Adam Ray, everybody.

Speaker 55 Look at that.

Speaker 127 There he is.

Speaker 90 There's Joe Biden.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 116 He snapped right out of the character.

Speaker 50 Okay, while we're waiting for the president, Joe Biden, to finish urinating,

Speaker 31 we will roll something.

Speaker 49 We have something very special for one of the members of this panel here. It's been a special secret that we've kept a surprise.

Speaker 130 Why don't we roll that video if it's ready?

Speaker 144 Let's see what we got here.

Speaker 34 Wow, what a treat.

Speaker 56 Holy crap.

Speaker 34 Look at this.

Speaker 64 Sachi couldn't decide if you want to be a Smurf or Barney for fuck's sake.

Speaker 64 No, Harlan, you can't do that, buddy.

Speaker 64 No, Harlan! No!

Speaker 111 I present to you the great and powerful Harlan Williams.

Speaker 118 Oh, shit!

Speaker 7 Harlan Williams, first time on this show. We wanted him for 10 and a half years.

Speaker 25 We got him.

Speaker 118 Harlan Williams.

Speaker 133 Harlan Williams.

Speaker 118 Harlan Williams.

Speaker 98 Harlan Williams.

Speaker 64 He's the only comedian on the stage with a degree from DeVry and coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, pie, coconut pie.

Speaker 122 Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

Speaker 122 Did me an interjector just real quick.

Speaker 64 Have you ever eaten a baby?

Speaker 151 Hang on. Sorry.

Speaker 64 Fucking Lyme disease.

Speaker 126 Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away would like to write a check to help this young fellow out his way.

Speaker 57 He's writing out an actual check.

Speaker 114 Can you describe exactly what it says there on that check?

Speaker 148 $300,000 with no name or nothing else.

Speaker 41 See, I'm actually a member of a dolphin bank with no numbers, no nothing else.

Speaker 23 Let me read it to you.

Speaker 64 You fucked it up real bad, my guy.

Speaker 43 I need my fucking guy.

Speaker 133 How about all the fucking five guys right fucking there?

Speaker 133 Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

Speaker 78 Harley Williams, you look like Tyler Perry presents Back to the Future.

Speaker 64 Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet.

Speaker 133 How about that?

Speaker 64 This is the only guy I know. Everyone else in the country has Lyme disease.
This says he's got key lime pie disease.

Speaker 122 Yo, this motherfucker cooking.

Speaker 44 Fuck this old bitch.

Speaker 118 You're my bitch tonight.

Speaker 6 How about that?

Speaker 118 That's right. Surprise, surprise.
The 2024

Speaker 133 guest of the year is Harlan Williams, everybody.

Speaker 15 Congratulations.

Speaker 7 Of course, here to present you with the award. Last year's guest of the year.

Speaker 7 Adam Ray slash Dr. Phil slash Joe Biden slash Elaine slash Jeremy.

Speaker 7 Make some fucking noise for the 2024

Speaker 25 of the year

Speaker 140 much

Speaker 10 much deserved Harlan motherfucking Williams speech speech

Speaker 98 speech

Speaker 64 Therapy therapy therapy

Speaker 64 I'm very emotional right now. I

Speaker 64 How could I know this was gonna happen?

Speaker 64 Holy smokes, this was unexpected.

Speaker 64 I really

Speaker 64 didn't even have any idea that this was gonna

Speaker 64 happen.

Speaker 64 And to be named comedy sex machine

Speaker 64 is unbelievable. I really had no idea this was gonna happen.

Speaker 64 But honestly, I'm very grateful.

Speaker 148 You know, I just just threw them on the ground.

Speaker 64 I don't care. Hang on, I got to snort some

Speaker 64 I just snort some

Speaker 145 color, whatever they are.

Speaker 108 I'd like to thank a few people if that's cool.

Speaker 64 I'd really like, sir, if you could sit down in the middle of a fucking speech.

Speaker 64 I hate when my dad comes to these things.

Speaker 64 I'd like to thank Donnie's face braces. As you know, my sister's eyes were this far apart for about four years and Donnie got the braces on her eyes and her faces are back together.

Speaker 64 I want to thank crab legs or us. My sister has demented legs and walks like a crab, so I want to thank her.

Speaker 64 And I want to thank one of my earliest comedy influences. I didn't know what comedy was until I was a little boy and I was watching Sesame Street like we all did.

Speaker 64 And there's someone I want to thank on Sesame Street, the count.

Speaker 64 Who knew that even numbers could be so hilarious?

Speaker 145 One,

Speaker 134 ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Speaker 142 Two.

Speaker 6 Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Speaker 122 Three.

Speaker 156 Don't spoil it.

Speaker 43 Fuck you.

Speaker 56 Four.

Speaker 134 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Speaker 64 Folks, I want to thank Tony.

Speaker 142 He's doing a great thing, bringing comedy to a whole new level. Unbelievable.

Speaker 64 It's really unbelievable.

Speaker 64 Sort of starting a whole new revolution in comedy. Joe Rogan, who kicked it off with his wonderful podcast and everything he's contributed.
Joe, you're amazing, Tony.

Speaker 64 And folks, my joy in life is to bring laughter to you guys. So the only thing I'd ask in return, go to my podcast, The Harland Highway.
Everyone watching, subscribe.

Speaker 64 Take five seconds, subscribe, and let me bring the laughter to you.

Speaker 64 Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Joe.
Thank you, Joe Biden, if you know who you are. And

Speaker 64 I love you guys, and I'm going to promise this year to keep fixing more freaky, fucked up eyes.

Speaker 43 Thank you.

Speaker 44 Unbelievable, Harlan motherfucking Williams.

Speaker 155 Amazing.

Speaker 12 Just a little fun fact for those of you.

Speaker 10 There's no way that he knew he was going to be guest of the year.

Speaker 49 The funny part of that is that he's been sitting on and has had trophies shoved in his pants all night, literally not knowing that he was going to win anything.

Speaker 12 The crazier thing is the eyes.

Speaker 64 Yeah, well, I brought the eyes. If I had to read a speech, I was going to say, let me put my glasses on.

Speaker 64 And I realized that guy with the shaky rattlesnake eyes was a godsend, and I had to give it over to him.

Speaker 18 So

Speaker 64 that's called comedy karma right there. Thank you, Lord.

Speaker 92 Tell him about Dimitri.

Speaker 122 Dimitri.

Speaker 64 Okay, so when Joe had me on his podcast, which, by the way, give a hand to Joe and his fucking podcast.

Speaker 6 Yeah, man.

Speaker 64 This guy.

Speaker 15 The

Speaker 118 whole world.

Speaker 64 So when Joe had me on his podcast, I went in at the beginning. I had another thing in my pants.

Speaker 126 I had a big long, like two-foot-long rubber snake.

Speaker 64 And when I sat down with Joe at the beginning, I told him I had a tapeworm.

Speaker 64 And at the end of the show, it was sitting in my pants for three hours.

Speaker 122 I pulled it out at the very end.

Speaker 64 And my proudest moment is Joe left it on his table. We did it about five months ago, right, Joe?

Speaker 64 He left my little tapeworm named Dimitri on his table. And about two months ago, he did an interview with the most powerful man in the world, Donald Trump, the future president of the United States.

Speaker 64 And I told Joe I was so happy because sitting between Donald Trump and Joe Rogan was Dimitri, my tapeworm.

Speaker 113 So thank you, Joe.

Speaker 63 I love you, buddy.

Speaker 64 Thank you, everybody.

Speaker 55 Harlan Williams.

Speaker 72 Tony, thank you, Red Band.

Speaker 140 Joe Rogan, President Joe Biden.

Speaker 103 Indeed, check out the Harlan Highway.

Speaker 102 Harland is hilarious all the time.

Speaker 22 Much deserved 2024 guests of the year.

Speaker 12 We've done a lot tonight. We've seen feeding tubes.

Speaker 32 We've seen it all.

Speaker 31 People with wobbly eyes.

Speaker 57 Guest of the Year, the return of Rick Diaz, Law Coger, Fiona Colley, Hans Kim, Andrew Dice, motherfucking Clay.

Speaker 78 And I can think there's only one way to end an episode like this.

Speaker 103 Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time for the all-time record holder in appearances.

Speaker 66 The record holder in interviews, overall minutes on the show.

Speaker 66 The first ever living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame and the reigning and defending most powerful regular in the history of the show.

Speaker 72 Some people call him the HEB Produce Manager,

Speaker 71 the Crown Prince of Cedar Park,

Speaker 118 the Aardvark of Austin,

Speaker 91 the pervert of Portland,

Speaker 66 the disclaimer of Des Moines, the Memphis Strangler,

Speaker 69 the Alaskan

Speaker 113 The Zipper Cruiter Zebra

Speaker 67 This is the big red machine

Speaker 6 William Montgomery

Speaker 120 Happy Kwanzaa son.

Speaker 64 Oh my gosh, Texas, it is so wonderful to be here tonight.

Speaker 120 I'm actually wearing this outfit as a sign of respect for the ancient Chinese tradition of Kwanzaa. And I would like, in accordance with the scriptures, to read some fortune cookies.

Speaker 73 If that's okay with you, motherfuckers, today

Speaker 120 Spirit Airlines is going to start a frequent fighter discount where you earn a free trip after only four fights.

Speaker 120 Okay, I've got 20 in here, so let me

Speaker 159 Jimmy Carter will die on March 12, 2025.

Speaker 93 Okay, I guess I'm fucked that one up.

Speaker 106 Okay, let's...

Speaker 73 I'm celebrating Quasa tonight.

Speaker 133 Y'all haven't.

Speaker 34 Oh, this is a long one.

Speaker 84 Okay, let me.

Speaker 120 The way you talk about the hot Latinas in the movie and Canto will turn on your therapist so much she'll ask to lie on the couch next to you.

Speaker 44 Okay, let's keep moving.

Speaker 120 God, my hands are so sweaty right now. I'm sorry.

Speaker 120 In the year 2025, Elizo will surpass a thousand pounds.

Speaker 120 Okay, got y'all back with that fat bitch!

Speaker 120 You know her ass hate celebrating Quadza this year!

Speaker 120 As a part of Make-A-Wish, your son will wish he could perform the upside-down Spider-Man kiss, but sadly, Toby Maguire says no.

Speaker 88 Okay, last one.

Speaker 62 Let's keep her moving.

Speaker 120 The waiter has a gun, and you must tackle them now.

Speaker 73 Now do it!

Speaker 98 Tackle the Dinner!

Speaker 98 Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 98 I done it!

Speaker 10 I love the energy tonight.

Speaker 127 Yeah!

Speaker 22 William Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 21 The streak continues.

Speaker 100 William.

Speaker 73 I'm making Joe sneeze over it here.

Speaker 92 Didn't he make me sneeze?

Speaker 77 That's the new COVID. We got to plan for it.

Speaker 70 Joe is allergic to overly processed fortune cookies flying through the air, obviously.

Speaker 35 We're finding this out tonight. What made you go with this Asian theme tonight, William?

Speaker 120 I started working out again, Tony. I am feeling so good.
I'm going to enter the American Ninja Warrior, Tony. Seriously, I've been playing way too much Call of Duty.
I'm off of Call of Duty.

Speaker 120 I worked out for the first time earlier today, Tony.

Speaker 93 I'm going to win American Ninja Warrior.

Speaker 83 Wow.

Speaker 83 Can you imagine?

Speaker 35 Can you imagine if the legend of Kill Tony won't be...

Speaker 105 If I don't win American Ninja Warrior in 2025, heads will roll.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 35 You better hope throwing isn't one of the competitions.

Speaker 34 Because they're going to fucking rip it on. Okay.

Speaker 44 You can feel.

Speaker 33 I think you just killed somebody with a fortune, cookie.

Speaker 49 This is amazing.

Speaker 35 So what type of workout did you do today?

Speaker 120 I was doing kettlebells. I was just walking in lines with the kettlebells.

Speaker 159 It was real hard.

Speaker 120 It was 35-pound kettlebells.

Speaker 106 Is that what you're doing with kettlebells?

Speaker 44 Look at ya.

Speaker 58 You did one 35-pound kettlebell in your hands and you walked around with it?

Speaker 120 And I was walking around with it, yeah, because I was thinking aren't the guys in prison real big because they're just in the yard moving the weights around

Speaker 103 well

Speaker 35 now's a good time for us to check in with our senior fitness correspondent Joe Rogan

Speaker 120 it's a good start it's what it's a good start it is a good start thank you I know I gotta start somewhere feel slowly I know, I gotta do slowly but surely, but I didn't do that with the Call of Duty.

Speaker 120 I'm sorry, I'm just trying to have fun. And I see all these people leaving.
It's like a fucking nightmare.

Speaker 44 I had a real fucking

Speaker 73 hell of a time back in Memphis.

Speaker 122 I fucking get back to Memphis. My dad's cat got killed.

Speaker 73 Literally, I get back to Memphis, and my father follows the car holding a bucket. And I go greet my father, and there is a dead cat in the bucket.

Speaker 77 Let's cut to a clip.

Speaker 12 It is weird.

Speaker 21 There is a thing where people sometimes scatter out on you at the last second, thinking that it's...

Speaker 120 Bullshit, Tony. I'm just trying to have fucking fun tonight, dude.

Speaker 127 Yeah, that's what it's all about.

Speaker 7 I'm feeling better than I've ever felt.

Speaker 20 It's true.

Speaker 77 You look great.

Speaker 14 William, you look great.

Speaker 77 Your body's in great shape. You're almost ready to look like you're going to model regular clothes for Bass Pro Shop.

Speaker 77 That's a compliment.

Speaker 154 Take it off, you see.

Speaker 29 People are yelling, take it off out there, William.

Speaker 51 I even want to show off this new body.

Speaker 106 You've worked out.

Speaker 151 I don't think y'all want to see my thing right now.

Speaker 91 Yeah, we do.

Speaker 106 Sounds like they want to see it to me.

Speaker 151 I'm serious. It'd be a disaster.

Speaker 120 Everybody would laugh, so I can't do that.

Speaker 130 I mean, there was a woman up here earlier with a feeding tube hanging out of her stomach, so I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 130 Well,

Speaker 52 the people have spoken, William.

Speaker 151 You want to see?

Speaker 103 Uh-oh.

Speaker 10 It appears as though we're going to get it.

Speaker 115 Wow.

Speaker 35 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 49 He's going to do some Ninja Warrior.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 114 what is he doing?

Speaker 106 Whoa.

Speaker 61 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 101 This is Ninja Warrior.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 122 Wow, jelly roll.

Speaker 64 That is a jelly roll.

Speaker 91 Wow.

Speaker 122 Two jelly rolls in a row.

Speaker 62 I learned that shit literally earlier today.

Speaker 120 I learned that in a day.

Speaker 136 That's amazing.

Speaker 64 Can you do a blueberry blint?

Speaker 22 You put the salt.

Speaker 168 Oh, I thought it was a face.

Speaker 22 You put the salt in somersault, William.

Speaker 28 So is that what you think?

Speaker 12 Is that the step one to winning Ninja Warrior?

Speaker 35 Some sideways somersaults? That's what Hans Kim does after he comes.

Speaker 120 I know his mom was commenting about it last night. His mom and I were watching him last night.

Speaker 52 You were talking with Hans's mother?

Speaker 120 Yeah, we were in the room with Hans.

Speaker 31 Really?

Speaker 120 He saw one of those massager things, and he was putting it on his fucking dick. And Hans's mom and I were watching his ass.

Speaker 5 Let's cut to a clue.

Speaker 34 I'm kidding.

Speaker 84 That one I thought we had.

Speaker 88 Wait, what?

Speaker 157 This is the weirdest fucking night.

Speaker 127 It is such a.

Speaker 31 This is what we love, the chaos of Kiltoni.

Speaker 35 It's like one second you're watching comedy gold, the next there's a lady bombing with a feeding tube.

Speaker 135 Some guy with wobbly eyes.

Speaker 31 Anything can happen.

Speaker 120 Yeah, what was going on with that guy's eyes? I wasn't hearing the volume, but I was seeing that guy's eyes.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 29 They were going back and forth.

Speaker 14 William, you look like you play pickleball with actual pickles.

Speaker 73 Just on the big island!

Speaker 5 You got it. What?

Speaker 111 That's where I would play.

Speaker 120 I'd play on the big island. I thought that was going to get a laugh, but I was mistaken.
So, oh, I'm having a real bad Kwanza today, people. Give me a fucking break.

Speaker 131 Seriously.

Speaker 35 So you came out dressed like an Asian with an Asian hat, an Asian kimono, Asian pants, but I noticed you didn't do an Asian voice at all.

Speaker 120 Oh, Tony, me so sorry.

Speaker 120 Tony, me so horny.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 120 Wait, that wasn't really a good one.

Speaker 44 Can you do it?

Speaker 23 Miso horny.

Speaker 18 Wait.

Speaker 97 Can you do an Asian voice?

Speaker 76 Tony, me so horny.

Speaker 44 So sorry.

Speaker 71 Little Jamaican there.

Speaker 151 Sunday he's going to run for president.

Speaker 55 This stuff's going to surface.

Speaker 62 He could win.

Speaker 168 William, what else before we see it tomorrow night?

Speaker 52 Anything else?

Speaker 120 Just probably going to start playing a little Call of Duty when I get back. We are fucking double XP weekend, Tony.
I got to chill.

Speaker 44 I got to fucking chill.

Speaker 73 I'm getting so close with my.

Speaker 120 I can't remember the camos I'm working on right now. I'm zombies, but.

Speaker 56 Opal, okay.

Speaker 29 William, tomorrow's New Year's Eve.

Speaker 147 I'm sure we're going go hard tomorrow.

Speaker 28 Big, big night.

Speaker 35 You always go big for those big shows.

Speaker 120 Tony, I think you know we ain't have a yellow job going on on the land.

Speaker 120 Let's go.

Speaker 72 Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, everybody.

Speaker 69 This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose.

Speaker 71 Free entry at the Yellow Rose with a ticket stub tonight.

Speaker 80 Make some noise.

Speaker 66 I can't believe we were able to lucky enough to have him stop by the great Joe Rogan everybody come on

Speaker 35 one more time for 2023 guest of the year believe it or not that's Adam Ray behind Joe Biden's

Speaker 49 beautiful beautiful face and hair the legend the newest guest of the year 2024 Harlan Williams

Speaker 72 The Harlan Highway.

Speaker 71 Check out everything Adam Ray

Speaker 7 Let's check out the art from the artist Chris Rogers drew tonight and Ryan J.

Speaker 66 Ebelt are both here We're gonna check out their live art that they did. Ooh Chris Rogers

Speaker 66 and Ryan J. Ebelt.

Speaker 103 Hell yeah.

Speaker 79 Amazing.

Speaker 103 Booyah.

Speaker 91 Chaos, I love it.

Speaker 66 Ryan J with the guests. Beautiful.
Stunning.

Speaker 7 Make some noise for yourselves.

Speaker 9 How many of you are coming back tomorrow night?

Speaker 66 Well, we will see you then. It's going to be a wild one.
Congratulations to you guys.

Speaker 115 You also have an episode that dropped on YouTube while we were all here hanging out.

Speaker 66 So go enjoy that if you want. And you'll get three episodes in 48 hours.
We love you.

Speaker 69 God bless this audience.

Speaker 150 Love you guys.

Speaker 91 And God bless the United States of America. Joe Rojoy, Adam Ray, Harlan Williams, we love you.

Speaker 72 See you tomorrow. Thank you.

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