#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the HEB Center

here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony H.

Cliff.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

What the fuck is up?

HEB Center.

Welcome, welcome.

Make some notes for the great Brian Red Band, everybody.

What a fucking Monday night delight this is.

What's up, everyone?

Welcome.

How about a hand for the best damn band in the land?

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande.

The great Michael Gonzalez, aka Big Mike

on the drums.

Joining us tonight, the great and powerful Marcus King on guitar.

Unbelievable.

Matt Muelling also on the electric.

John Dees on the keys.

And that is indeed...

the one and only D-Madness on the bass guitar, everyone.

Holy moly.

How exciting is this?

How many of you traveled to be here in Austin, Texas?

You know, everybody says it.

Everybody says it, but I really mean it.

We have the best damn fans in the world, true fans of real comedy.

The backbone of free speech here in the greatest country on planet Earth.

Isn't it amazing that we could get together to hear some filthy fucking chaos on a Monday night?

Sold out arena.

Second annual sold-out arena the night before New Year's Eve.

I'm fucking pumped.

You guys know how it works.

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Tonight's episode is brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose.

We love them, our longest standing sponsors here in Austin, Texas.

They're somewhere in one of the suites.

Shout out to Jonathan and all of our great friends over there.

And they are having a special deal at the Yellow Rose tonight.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what, huh?

Well, tonight we have three guests, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm going to bring them out one by one.

Does that sound like fun or what?

Your first guest has this year taken the show over by goddamn storm, instantly becoming one of our favorite guests in the entire show's history.

Make some goddamn noise.

You know him from a lot of your favorite movies, his podcast, and the unbelievable appearances on Kiltoni.

Make some noise for the great Harlan Williams.

Oh

my God.

An instant legend of the show.

There he is.

You want to say something?

Go ahead, say something.

Tony, thanks for having me here.

And I just want to say I have seven brothers and sisters.

My brother Chris, who I hate, he's here tonight in the top.

He told me he was suicidal.

Jump, you prick.

Have fun tonight and Wang Chung tonight.

Let's go.

Harlan Williams.

Your second guest

is

not only a Hall of Famer on this show.

Not only,

I mean, he's just taken over the entire industry this year of comedy, but he is still, as of this day, the current reigning President of the United States of America.

This is Joe Biden.

Wow.

Oh my goodness.

Whoa.

Wobbly legs Biden.

Unbelievable.

Joe Biden is here.

Oh.

Whoa.

Those knees are holding strong.

Someone's been chilling on beaches.

I'm on NAD, CBD, and HPV.

Joe Biden has arrived.

Good to see you, America.

I got a catheter in my cock, Tony.

Make this quick.

Good to see you, Carlos.

One more guest.

Austin legend.

A man who I can't even believe was able to fit it in his schedule.

Probably one of the busiest human beings on planet Earth.

One of our favorite comedians.

The legend who got this whole Austin, Texas shit started.

It is Joe Rogan.

Oh, yes.

This

is

Kill Tony.

The shit is about to go down.

Three legends of the panel of this show.

We're all here Doesn't it much better than this on a fucking Monday night

We have a bucket filled with hundreds of names the comedians are all around us somewhere I don't know if there's a section.

There they are back there.

I'm gonna to pre-pull a name.

You guys know how this works.

If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And I think we have a West Hollywood bear.

There he is.

It's Trew Nickens tonight, everybody.

That's the real Drew Nickens.

How about a hand for Trew everyone?

And while we wrangle that first comedian, we will get it started with a brand new minute.

I think we should get it started with a bang, huh?

What do you guys think?

Some people think you should make a show like this where it builds the whole time and gets bigger and bigger.

I like the

I'll ask again, should we start it with some fucked up crazy shit?

Well, then I'm gonna bring up one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show here with a brand new minute truly one of the top rising comedians in the world.

This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson

Well, I gotta follow the Star Spangle battle, nigga.

This crazy

Now, you know, I went back home for Christmas.

It was great.

My favorite thing about Christmas, I got a little money now, so I like to go give homeless people food and shit, but I like to play games with them.

So I went and got a hundred pieces of chicken wings, and I went to a park with a bunch of homeless people, and I gave all the chicken wings to one homeless nigga.

And I called it Cam's Hunger Games.

May the odds be in your favor, nigga.

My favorite thing was I realized that me and my family, we can't play charades we don't play it right it's not a good game for my family because charades you can't really talk you gotta just act shit out and my uncle got a card and this is all he did i swear to god he just went

and then my auntie went 2004 what the that mean i have no idea my grandma just said cocaine and then nobody got it right and i picked the card up And the card said penthouse.

And I said, how did that even make sense to be a penthouse?

And my uncle uncle went, you don't get it?

We got cocaine, strippers, and you upstairs.

That's my time.

I'll do that.

Patterson.

What's up?

I said, what am I doing?

I'm good.

This shit is crazy.

It is.

The arena thing is becoming casual.

Yeah.

How do you feel?

I feel great.

I got slides on right now, nigga.

Life is good.

Like, pretty great, man.

You do have slides on.

Every time.

Nigga, we did Madison Square Garden, but this shit pretty cool, though.

Yeah.

It is.

It's basically the HEB garden.

There is his feet.

Tight shit.

Covered in socks, thank God.

You can almost tell by the shape of the socks that there's some weird shit going on with those feet.

I was finna get a pedicure, but my toes need armor.

I realized that.

Yeah.

Your toes need what?

Armor.

Armor?

Yeah.

Spell that word.

Fuck you.

Harlan, what do you think about the young buck?

I was going to ask, bro, that whole run you did about the chicken in the park.

Yeah.

Is there any chicken left?

Because daddy's starving.

Okay.

Yeah, I was just saying the weirdest shit, man.

Yeah, coming from a guy who's dressed like he works at a strip club in a video game.

Do you sell cocaine, Joe Biden?

Why you dress like that, nigga?

Because I got this on T-Moo.

Spell it.

I can spell that.

I can spell that real easy.

T-E-M-U.

Very good.

Yeah, nigga.

I spell fucking phenomenally.

Joe Biden got his outfit off

T-Mu.

He also got his vice president off TMU as well.

Wait a minute, this is Biden?

I thought this was Arnold Palmer for Christ's sake.

In your terms?

Talk about the T?

Huh?

The T?

The who?

The T.

What's the full sentence?

It's a T.

Oh, the T and lemonade.

It's a T and lemonade posture.

Yeah.

Arnold Palmer was also a human being.

He went just tea, nigga?

He was a golfer who liked lemonade mixed with iced tea.

Iced tea and lemonade.

It's like uh...

Not the wrapper, the beverage.

Lemonade, it's like a lemon-flavored Kool-Aid, if you will.

And iced tea is a drink, not just a wrapper.

I know what iced tea is, nigga.

Okay.

Sometimes I translate things for you.

you.

Would you call me the N-word on my birthday next year?

You're not gonna be here next year, nigga.

That's your opinion.

That's, you know what?

You know what?

No, that was hilarious.

You won yourself a fruit by the foot.

Tight shit.

I love it.

Cam, what else is going on?

Shit, nothing really.

I did a show this weekend.

My cousin brought her boyfriend and she 22 and he 36.

So we were trying to figure that out.

I thought about killing him, but he was scary.

So we couldn't do that.

Yeah.

That wasn't a good option.

Have you met him already?

I just met him.

Yeah, I met him this weekend.

What was that like?

It was strange.

He threatened to kill her brother, which is my other cousin.

And I didn't know how to talk to that.

You know what I'm saying?

So...

That's going on right now.

Wow.

There's a lot going on.

I don't know what...

I can't even make that funny.

That's just life, nigga.

What's that in your hand?

He gave me a fruit by the foot.

The old president, nigga, he gave me a fruit by the foot.

Yeah, when you leave the Oval Office, they give you a bunch of snacks.

That's a retirement home, nigga.

Huh?

Nothing?

They told me, they said, give a fruit by the foot to your favorite new black guy.

You got it, baby.

Buy you some shoes for your birthday.

I won't eat that, man.

Ron Jeremy does the quality control on those.

Who is that?

He makes iced tea.

Kat Patterson, you have gotten the show officially started with the new minute.

And now we roll to the bucket, the backbone of the show, where we've met every comedian who's ever been on.

And it all starts with the luck of a draw.

These arena pools have notoriously always been rough.

Oh my goodness.

When I hear the pop of the crowd, I know it's got to be the one and only Heidi.

There she is, live in the flesh.

It is indeed bucket pool number one, and it goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Bill Rhodes, everyone.

Bill Rhodes is first here on Kill Tony, live from the HEB Center.

What's up, guys?

Did you guys know that in Texas alone we have 8,161 indoor shooting ranges?

That's a lot.

Woo!

They're easy to find.

All you have to do is Google public schools.

I don't condone public school shootings.

I was a teacher for 11 years.

Thank you.

Out of 11 years, nine years my students voted me favorite teacher.

Two years, my peers nominated me to be the teacher of the school year for the entire district.

After talking to my peers and my students, the local police department started referring to me as a person of interest.

I'm not a teacher anymore.

Because some bitch named Amy and Human Resources didn't think my comedy was as funny as everybody else.

Fuck Amy and Human Resources.

I know when you look at me, you're like, this guy definitely voted for Trump.

After January 6th, I couldn't vote for Trump that's a joke if you're a federal

law enforcement I was teaching kids if you're local law enforcement I was nowhere near those kids guys thank you

Bill Rhodes welcome Bill how are you you just confessed to a lot of half crimes there yes sir

So what did you do?

Anything?

Actually, I got fired for my set on Kill Tony a year ago.

You got what?

I got fired from teaching over being on Kill Tony a year ago.

So you did a set on Kill Tony?

Yes, sir.

The people saw it, reported you to the school?

Yeah, Amy and Human Resources saw it.

You're the Pflugerville guy, right?

Huddo.

I was that huddle guy.

So what exactly did you say that got you in trouble?

Did they see your nipple piercings through your shirt?

They're not nipple piercings.

I'm fat.

These are terminals for my pacemaker.

This guy's full of jokes.

What exactly did they fire you for?

When I was on before, I compared, I worked in the prison system, so I compared working with inmates to working with students.

So base guy said the only way to get fired from either job is to fight one or fuck one.

Here

you get a fruit by the foot for that joke.

Sweet.

Whoa.

That's fucking nice.

Unbelievable.

Looks like you've had a few football fields worth of fruit.

It's funny.

Some of my old football players are actually out here somewhere tonight.

When you say old football players, what exactly do you mean?

I was a coach, my son, and some of his...

Were you really a coach?

Or is this like the...

Are you just saying you're a coach?

Like the...

Wow, yeah, Tim Waltz.

I forgot his name, and I love that I already forgot that guy's name.

Tim Waltz said that he was a football coach.

Turns out he wasn't.

Dude, no, I was legit.

Can I see your titty flashers again?

Dude, it looks like you had your stomach stapled and they missed.

What exactly made you want to get your nipples pierced?

Midlife crisis, I don't know.

How long have you had those through your nips?

About maybe a year.

Wow.

Who made you do it?

Was it when you got fired from being a teacher because of being on Kiltoni?

Yeah.

Really?

Well, no, actually, I got it done during the school year, my last year of teaching.

What do your kids think about them?

My daughter was with me when I got them done.

That's fucking weird.

You should go to jail.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How old's your daughter?

She's 16.

I took her to get her nose pierced, and she was like, I bet you won't get your nipples pierced.

Wow.

What a white trash off you and your daughter were having there.

What's your daughter's only fans?

Red Ban.

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Come on, Red Band.

You can't ask

what is your daughter's only fans.

Send me the link.

Call me in two years.

Okay.

There you go.

Give me my fruit by the foot back.

No, you can keep it.

So what are you doing for work nowadays, Bill Rhodes?

I think it's obvious he's a Greek sponge fisherman.

Yeah, that and I do comedy now.

Full time?

Yes, sir.

And where do you get paid to do comedy?

I've been Fort Lauderdale, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Oklahoma, Little Rock, Arkansas.

Okay.

I love it.

I love it.

And

what else has been going on?

How do you fill the daytime that you used to spend in schools?

Are you still on that same sleep schedule now that you're no longer a teacher and a full-time comedian?

I get up early.

I fish in my spare time when I have time.

My wife works from home, so I get to spend time with her too now, more time with her.

How long have you been with your wife?

We're coming up on five years.

Five years.

How long haven't you been with your wife?

39.

That's right.

You're right.

That's correct.

So when you came home with nipple piercings, was your wife excited about it?

Yeah, she's into it.

Did she suck on them?

Yeah.

Let's cut to a clip.

We don't have it.

Are you on My OnlyFans?

What'd you fucking say to me?

I like your mojo.

You're a good American.

Working hard.

Appreciate you.

What do you love about comedy?

Say that again?

What do you love about comedy?

I get to sit up here and just talk shit and have fun, enjoy making people laugh.

Well, how does it feel being in an arena?

This is great.

Like, I graduated high school, like, three miles away from here at Leander High School, so it's cool just being in my hometown.

Look at that.

I thought he was going to say he graduated high school three months ago.

It would have all made sense.

Dude, would you do us all a favor?

Like, I feel really selfish, but would you mind turning around?

and showing the crowd the muffin top on the back of your head.

Let's see it.

Wow, look at that.

You should get that pierced.

You should get that buttered.

And then pierced.

And then let Joe Biden sniff it.

That is quite the flap.

Have you ever tried to stick anything fun back there?

I used to hold a pencil back there sometimes when I was a teacher.

Let's cut to a clip.

Seems like it would work.

I want to see if we could fit a medium joke book in there.

Can you see if...

Can you put it in there and

there he goes?

Bill Rhodes, the first bucket pull of the night.

And like that, it has begun.

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We're going to go back to the bucket in just a second.

But before we do,

we have the return of an old

character on this show.

Someone that we haven't seen in a very, very long time.

Because this young buck, who's gonna do a new minute, put his golden ticket on the line a year ago versus Hans Kim and lost in a best out of three super tournament minute-by-minute competition.

This is the long-awaited return of former golden ticket holder Rick Diaz.

Alright,

I went to a nightclub and the waitress told me, be careful, because people have been getting drugged.

And I was like, oh no.

Then I went to the toilet, and at the urinal next to me, there was a guy peeing, and he was staring right at my dick.

And I noticed because I was staring right into his eyes.

We don't talk much in my family, we don't talk much, we don't even have a group chat.

I tried to set up the group chat, but everyone in my family was like,

There's already a group.

I dated a girl for a while and one day she gave me a 20 by 20 Rubik's cube.

20 by 20 and she told me, if you manage to solve this,

I will suck your dick.

It took me all night

to unglue and reglue.

Thank you very much.

Rick Diaz.

It's been a long time, Rick.

Has been a long time.

It's been a long time, sir.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

You look

exactly the same, just as thin and malleable as ever.

I am a beautiful, breakable piece of human flesh.

I am very brittle.

Absolutely.

I don't know what it is with your physique, but I want to make love to you in a corn maze.

This can be arranged

I was fucking around guy

I was not

okay what time and what field

I will find it we'll find it I'll send you a John Deere letter oh please sir do so

I love it.

So Rick, what's been going on?

Anything crazy?

A few things have been going on.

I went shooting guns for the first time.

How far back did you blast?

First shot, bam!

Dislocated my shoulder.

They made me fill out a mental health questionnaire.

And according to American gun laws, I'm stable.

So was the guy before you stit.

That's mean.

I thought Canadians were nice.

Wrong.

President Biden, what do you think about America's current gun laws?

Hey, well, you know, everybody's got

your body, your choice, right?

I mean, clearly, look at you.

You look like fucking Gumby.

What's your diet like?

What'd you have for breakfast this morning?

What'd you have for dinner two years ago?

Nothing.

What does your cum look like?

Transparent.

No further questions, Tony.

I love it.

Well,

what else?

Anything else, Rick?

I have some news.

Okay.

Yeah, thanks to you and Redben and Harland.

I can now work in the United States.

Wow.

Look at that.

Yeah, it's all thanks to you.

I tried to reach out.

I was, you know, doing all my paperwork and all the application and I wanted to message you to update you on how I was doing before I got my papers

and then I see you at the Trump rally and I'm like

oh no

I'm getting deported

before I got ported

yeah

but the thing is to come to the country, you have to go through immigration lawyers.

And the first law firm I got in touch with refused to work with me because they said that Tony Hinchcliffe is a racist

and they wrote a little letter do you want me to read it

no we're okay all right is it a it's a good letter is it a good letter yeah okay sure read the letter all right

it's definitely nothing i've never heard before

How long is this letter?

I got it.

Don't worry about it.

It's got to be short enough.

My staff recognized that your primary purpose for coming to America is to work with Tony Hinchcliffe.

Sorry, Red Band.

Apparently co-creating the biggest podcast in the world was not recognized by these people.

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe, a comedian whose work has a strong connection to racist material.

Tony's not racist.

He's about as racist as he's gay.

It's actually true.

I see Met from far away.

Then you get to know me.

Yeah.

And I'm not at all.

Quite the opposite.

Exactly.

I actually asked Chad GPT,

is Tony Hinchcliffe racist?

And Chad GPT said, there's no sufficient evidence to support the claim that Tony Hinchcliffe is racist.

And Chad GPT said, there's no sufficient evidence to support the claim that Brian Redband is a comedian.

Oh

my god.

Look at that.

Oh, N-ward, N-ward, N-ward, N-ward.

I owed you one.

This guy's gotten cocky since he's legal, huh?

Yeah, you watch it.

I got two more weeks in office.

I could get you deported, motherfucker.

You just closed the government, so...

Huh?

That's three hours ago news.

Sorry.

You don't know what you're doing, so.

Is that the end of the letter?

No, you want more?

Is there more?

A little more.

Is it worth it?

It's pretty worth it.

Okay.

rick diaz finishing the letter any second now yeah

as an employer i do not want my staff to have an ongoing relationship with his staff

well which is crazy obviously they had no idea that heidi was working on the show

because we all want an ongoing relationship

yeah

And Heidi is now getting a restraining order from him.

Yeah.

is that it Rick

I have two more okay let's go Jesus Christ I know I know

I wish you the best in your work and aspirations

in the American market the market that is most befitting for your art

I guess the most befitting American market for my art is a motherfucking arena

Yeah,

screw that law firm.

Exactly.

You almost had a bunch of stupid liberal lawyers.

Yeah, then I found lawyers that wanted money.

Well, Rick, you did it.

You made your return.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

I appreciate you.

Back to the bucket we go.

Great job.

Wonderful.

Great job.

All right.

Your next bucket pull.

Bucket pull number two goes by the name.

Oh, there's the great Valerie Vaughan, Heidi with some drinks.

You gotta love it.

These ladies have been with us through many arenas now.

How about another hand for Heidi and Valerie, huh?

All right, your next bucket pulls 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Thomas E.

Miller.

Thomas E.

Miller, everybody.

And here

we go.

One more time for Thomas Miller.

Hey, Austin.

I work in a massive warehouse and my job is as a problem solver.

And what I basically do is I'm the high priest of the internet's most fucked up things.

Basically, I come into work one day and I see this thing just staring at me through what I can only describe as an abyss of desire.

I

pick this thing up to try to figure out what the fuck it is, and I kid you not, it's 65 pounds of just pure straight silicone sin.

I uh

hold on a second, Thomas.

Guys, I forgot to say this earlier.

Save your booze until the end of the set.

Keep going, Thomas.

It's also not Thomas, it's Jacob.

Talk right into the talk right into the

Mike.

Okay.

You got his name right now.

So

there's this giant.

That was a very Thomas Thomas thing to do right there.

Apparently.

So you.

Go ahead, David.

Damn.

Okay.

Okay.

Digging myself a hole.

So the warehouse I work at, there was this.

Fuck.

So.

Yeah.

I'll cancel it there.

See if I can save myself in an interview.

Come on, Thomas, the train.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Okay.

Okay.

So,

I.

So, you're Jacob Acklund?

Yes.

Is that correct?

Yeah, I was thrown off.

I was like, Thomas.

I was like, yeah, we pulled two names.

Okay.

And I guess we sent you out in the wrong order.

So.

Are you okay?

Man.

You look like you're freaking out.

Just, yeah, a little bit.

Have you ever done meth?

You know, maybe after tonight.

Maybe after tonight.

You should try it out.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it can only go.

I don't think it can get worse than this.

You need some confidence.

You need something to give you unreasonable confidence.

I should have done a couple lines.

I think methods, man.

Yeah.

Let's try it once.

So, Jacob, let's talk about it.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

You can probably guess this is my first time.

Okay.

What did you try to talk about tonight?

What was the goal?

The goal...

Right into the tip of the microphone.

Okay.

So the goal was basically to talk about this sex story that I saw at work and it was basically 65 pounds of just

what?

Just just straight female bits.

Basically high high thigh to low torso.

Women.

65 pounds.

Yeah, I wouldn't big.

What the fuck is it made out of?

It's just straight silicone.

I don't know what they put in there to make it so heavy, but it is just straight silicone.

I work at Amazon, and I had to weigh that shit out.

Not anymore.

Yep, yep.

Got to have to find a new job.

It's 65 pounds?

Yeah, or 65 pounds.

I had to weigh it out because

like problem solver basically I just have to make sure if something's at the wrong warehouse to send it to the right warehouse.

You got to go to the correct rubber pussy warehouse?

Yeah, apparently, we only carry flashlights about this big, and we have to send it to the one next door that carries flashlights this big.

So, you know, but the joke that I was getting at was basically: you try to take that through TSA, they'll stop you for having way too much liquid.

Then you'll be sitting in the security line trying to scrape out the acid.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Not it.

Chicken.

Try Matt.

Try it.

You sound like me on a cup of melatonin.

Yep, yep.

Jacob, what do you do exactly for a living?

I do work at Amazon.

I'm just a warehouse associate.

Not anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you do for fun?

I worked a lot before, or when I had a job, I smoke.

Jesus

fucking Christ.

Yeah.

What made you want to start stand-up comedy tonight in an arena not having a joke, a story, any hobbies, or anything about you in the world?

What made you choose, like, I'm going to go up there and I'm going to not show them?

Yeah.

Why did you like come up with this idea of like maybe if I go up there and do everything backwards, this will be great for everybody?

Dude, dude, he doesn't need it.

He's got personality.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it was my first Kill Tony show.

I kind of was riding a minute or I thought I was but

There he goes everybody Jacob Acklin you can't make it up.

I implore you not to sign up for this show as a spur-of-the-moment idea last second at a fucking arena

Just don't start on an arena

Please

Good God.

That's the American dream right there

They're playing funeral music.

You gotta love Nacho's Belgrande, the Mexican arm of the Kill Tony band.

We keep them all on a separate border over there.

Uh-oh.

Whoa.

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Okay, well, we have a professional comedian who won this spot on a normal Monday taping at the mothership of Kiltony.

He did so good that I said I want his first time in an arena to be tonight, the 30th of December, 2024.

This is one of the top future comedians, a buzzworthy door guy at the mothership.

This is a brand new minute and the second ever appearance by Law Coger, everyone.

This is Law.

A whole different

vibe than

Jacob.

So I'm glad.

I'm glad schools are banning racist books.

Because my white middle school teacher would read the N-word out loud

from a book he wrote.

The adventures of Huckle nigga nigga nigga.

Yeah, my favorite type of women are the ones with with a lot of tattoos

because I also

have been molested.

Yeah, but I still believe in God.

Like one time I was about to fail a test,

so I prayed to God.

Not even 30 seconds later,

9-11.

Thank you, God.

Law Coger, you did it.

Those are jokes.

Total opposite from Jacob Ackland, who is just on the stage.

Yeah, what happened with that guy?

You were what?

I said, what happened with him?

It's not what happened.

It's what's going to happen.

don't kill yourself bro by the way he had a tattoo of you getting molested yeah

let's cut to a clip

let's cut to a priest

actually it was a woman what it was a it was a young lady you were molested by a young lady it's called making out dude

Greatest day of my life.

Was she older or younger than you?

She was older than me.

How much older?

Like a senior?

It was like, she was probably like eight years older than me.

I was like 11.

Oh, so she was a teenager?

Wait, she was what?

Whoa, dude.

You were molested by an underage girl.

I was an underage boy.

An underage boy?

Yeah.

So she was trans?

Who the hell is he talking about?

I was a little kid.

Can we bring the light?

She was a teen.

I understood him better.

Lah.

So she was eight years older than you.

Is that what you said?

Yeah, so she was like, Yeah, she was like 18, 19.

What exactly did she do to you?

Oh, she the greatest head.

Wow, and you were 11.

Yeah, I was a little, you know, like when you were growing up, you were in the hood and shit.

I know all about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

I remember getting my dick sucked by 18-year-olds when I was 11.

Let's cut to a clip.

I can airdrop it to you.

Okay.

Law, what's your love life like nowadays?

It's pretty trash.

I'm not going to lie.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I have autism.

What does that mean?

You know, just socially awkward.

Everybody got autism?

Yep.

Thank you, Dr.

Fauci.

Okay.

Have you always felt this way?

No.

I mean,

I got an uncle who's like very, very autistic.

And we act just alike.

How much older was he than you?

Oh, that guy's like.

That guy's like 70 years old.

Okay.

So it could still happen.

Keep it in the family.

No, thanks.

I'm busy.

La, you've been killing it on this show.

so fun how's uh everything else going in life how were your holidays uh it was they were terrible actually tell us about it yeah i don't i don't do shit i just read books

i just read books i cry

whoa whoa

what do you cry about Forrest Gump, the ending?

Nah, Huckleberry Finn, the ending.

Nah, I just be chilling.

Like, I don't really be doing, like, nothing crazy.

What was the last book you read?

Yo.

Alright.

It was called Yo?

That'd be a great book.

You wrote it, The Halt?

I've been reading.

My last book was a romance novel.

Really?

What's that guy?

I wrote a romance novel.

You read a romance model called Yo?

No,

it wasn't called Yo.

I've been trying to get my banter up.

Well, you might want to start with words with more than two letters.

Yeah.

So.

So what was Yo about?

What was the book about?

What was the romance novel book about?

It was about like, you know, like you just meeting somebody, like, it was a woman who met a guy at like this coffee shop, some, you know, high school love affair.

50 Shades of Gray?

Pretty close.

Pretty close.

And

yeah, they just ended up just fucking.

Wow.

How romantic.

What a book.

Sounds like the dream.

You sure it wasn't the Bernstein Bears?

Stanley.

It's a great book.

Burnstein Bears.

Was it black people?

No.

It was pretty disappointing, actually.

It was a book about white people fucking.

Yes.

And you're just sitting there reading it.

I was just sitting there reading it.

I picture them to be black.

Right.

Me too.

Yeah.

That's what Disney does with all the movies nowadays.

Exactly.

White characters.

Alright, well.

Well, Law, how did it feel?

Your first time in an arena?

It felt great.

You know, it was cool.

You did it, Law.

You handled it well.

Law Coger, ladies and gentlemen.

Appreciate you, bro.

Appreciate you guys.

And it keeps moving along.

Ooh, this looks like a fun new name.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Deepak Sahota.

Deepak

Sahota.

Bucketful number three is Deepak

Sahota.

Here he is, everybody.

Make some noise for Deepak, everyone.

So the government has been real hush-hush about the drones.

Is it aliens,

China,

or is Biden looking for his son?

He just got parting

and already gone.

We all know that animals are evolving.

Coyotes have learned how to drive

and started a lucrative human trafficking business.

As you grow older, it gets difficult to find your inner child,

especially if you had an abortion.

Alright, I'm gonna cut you off right there, Deepak.

You know, it's crazy.

I meet so many Kill Tony fans everywhere.

I meet so many people that say they're going to the show.

I meet people that say they're signing up for the show.

I never meet anybody as crazy as you and Jacob that have been pulled two out of the three bucket pools rambling conspiracy theorists.

How are you, Deepak?

Have you ever done comedy before?

This is my first comedy appearance.

We're not surprised.

These people.

Yeah, but what you don't realize is he's been in movies.

Do you recognize him?

He was E.T.

No.

He was the yellow villain in Sin City.

Remember that?

Ah,

he was.

That's a great call.

Hey, better than I get Gobby a lot.

Yeah.

You get who a lot?

Dobby.

Gobby?

Who the hell's Gobby?

It's Harry Potter.

Dobby from Harry Potter.

I don't watch girl movies.

Gollum.

Schmeagel.

All of these things are acceptable answers.

Hey,

can I address the whole drone thing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

First of all, I enjoyed your slam poetry.

That was funny.

The abortion thing was funny.

Your body, your choice.

But look, the drones, it's just me having a little bit of fun before I leave office.

Who cares if they fly a little low?

They sniff your head, they finger your butt.

Come on.

It's a free country.

Are you afraid of drones?

You're afraid of robots?

What's your favorite color?

You don't need to answer any of the president's questions.

Let me ask you this question.

Clear the fifth.

Oh, okay, thank you.

Deepak, I have a question for you.

You kind of have like crazy eyes.

They're going back and forth left to right.

I don't know if we have a shot at you.

I'm happy

okay.

Why don't we show the people?

Why don't you look out at that camera?

You see that big red dot out there?

Not at the humans, Deepak.

Look at the camera.

Nope.

Down,

middle,

up.

No.

Depop.

Look at me.

Depop.

Red lights.

Straight at the camera.

See that?

No.

Look straight out, Deepak.

No, not.

Oh my god.

Look at the screen.

This guy's completely fucking insane.

Right there.

Stare at it.

No, No, keep looking at it, Deepak.

Look at the red light.

Right there.

Lift your head up straight, Deepak.

It's kind of tilted.

There you go.

You guys getting that?

That wobbly eye shit that I'm seeing there?

It's like he's constantly looking at a mosquito.

Yeah.

Biden just

big whiff.

I'm terrified.

First of all, let's go to our senior medical correspondent, Joe Rogan.

What do you think that is?

if I was a referee I'd stop the fight

like son

you can fight another day and it is all over

so uh I can elaborate if you like yes let's hear about this so I was born with a medical condition called nystagnus It is the involuntary movement of the eye.

So they do shake.

As a result of that, I have low vision.

I am legally blind.

Do you know how to play the bass guitar?

People are fucking booing that you're legally blind.

You guys are so vicious.

Fuck your vision.

Damn, if Helen Keller walked out here, they'd stone her to death.

This is an anti-blind pro-autism audience we have here.

Who fucking loves autism?

on the spectrum

are you on any medication say that once again are you on any medication no there is no medication you should get on some

dr.

Rogan any recommendations edibles

as strong as you can tolerate Let's find out what's really going on behind those eyes.

Deepak, what do you do for work?

Currently, I am an educator.

What kind of educator are you?

Reading and writing.

You know what you'd be great at, though?

A referee at a tennis match.

That's true.

Well, like ping-pong.

Because those fucking eyes just keep going back and forth.

You'd be the best in the game.

And I want to be with you in an earthquake.

You would be very calming.

You'd be the only guy in the room with your eyes not moving around.

If he ever gets Parkinson's, no one will ever know.

Unknown.

Does the eyeball thing become a problem when you date?

No,

when I'm looking at you, nothing's shaking.

You're seeing shaking.

I'm seeing something stable.

However, my vision is 20 over 150.

So I do got to get closer to see everything

more clearly.

Is Harlan moving right now?

He looks like he's pleasuring himself.

Whoa.

You ever been in a corn maze?

What I meant by, is it a problem dating?

Like, how do other people feel about it?

They're like, do they have a problem getting close to you?

Yeah.

They're like that once more.

Do other people

have a problem getting close to you with your fucking crazy eyes?

Yes, it is.

I'm told it's very intimidating when I do make eye contact with people.

I don't think intimidating is the right word.

Like...

My eyes do the same thing every time Heidi comes out.

They were doing the same thing backstage when I was waiting.

What's the closest amount of eye contact you've had in the last 48 hours?

Hit me with some slow, sweet music, Richard.

Get up there, baby.

Oh, here we go.

President Joe Biden.

We've seen this before, folks.

We're going to do a steering contest.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Let's do it.

You guys get to vote.

The winner of this steering contest gets a fruit by the foot.

Uh-oh.

Here we are, the second time.

Biden versus Devik.

What are the drones?

There were no drones.

It was Snookie's Uber Eats Order.

It was your son, wasn't it?

Where are you from?

Austin.

What's your favorite movie?

Matrix.

What's your favorite food?

Pizza.

What's the last time you said your own name during sex?

Last night.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I gotta tell you, this is one of my favorite book tosses in the history of the show that's about to happen right now.

Very rarely do I get to warn people how exciting this is about to be.

Oh, no, you can't give him a book.

The fucking guy can't read.

I'm visually impaired, not illiterate.

How many optometrists have you caused to commit suicide?

Be honest.

I plead the fifth.

All right, well, I plead the sixth.

Fuck you.

Okay.

So the great people over at Prize Picks, we have found out have set the over-under.

The odds of him catching this are

plus 3,500.

Throw it that way.

I am an unbelievably accurate, a famously accurate joke book thrower.

And now I will hit the chest of Deepak.

Stay right there.

You ready?

Come on, Deepak.

Here we go.

Whoa!

Oh, yeah.

Here he goes.

Legally blind, my ass.

Wow.

You want to see legally blind?

I'll show you legally blind.

Watch this.

That's legally blind right there.

No fucking chance.

Right off D-Madness's elbow.

There he goes, Deepak

Sahoda.

Later, Deepak.

Legally blind.

That That was fun.

We have a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen.

And this is a very, very special golden ticket winner.

You know this young lady very well, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

First time in an arena from Nashville, Tennessee.

This is Fiona Cauley, everybody.

Make some noise for Fiona, everyone.

Baby girls, first arena

is that really cool to give someone a standing over.

Marlon, you gotta wait.

This is the part.

One more time, everybody, for Fiona Colley, everyone.

So,

people

they are very curious about my dating life

because I think it's hard

for them to imagine that someone

would be willing to take all this on.

But

I'll uh let y'all know

men fucking love women that

can't run away.

Y'all know what I'm talking about

rape

Um,

I just want to thank Tony for letting me be here.

It's really surreal.

Um,

like, if a sixteen-year-old me

could see me now,

she'd be like, Fiona,

why the fuck are we in a wheelchair?

Fiona Cauley.

Her condition continues to progress, just like her comedy.

Both are accelerating at a great rate.

How is your thing going?

You look great and a great performer.

I've got one more time for Fiona.

I was going to say the same thing.

She looks great, especially wearing Joe Biden's lingerie.

You're welcome.

Figured you wouldn't miss it.

Great job.

It's nice to see somebody else moving slow.

You crushed it.

Very funny.

Thank you.

A lot of spunk.

Why don't you go over and sniffer?

Double dare me.

A triple dog dare you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Get over there, Biden.

You know you want to do it.

Wow.

Get over there and sniffer good.

Someone's good.

Sniffer, Biden.

Get over there.

Look at this mean green machine.

Oh, yeah.

Unbelievable.

Sniff them back, sniff them back.

Oh, someone's getting a fruit by the pointless.

No, I ran out of fruit by the foot.

Harlan, you got a pack of ultra-ribbed condoms.

Wow.

I love ribs.

You got any barbecue sauce?

It's so, so, so stupid.

Ultra ribbed, I want barbecue sauce, I love ribs.

What the fuck?

That's me.

Stupid.

So Fiona, how's everything going?

How was your travel here?

It was better.

I got a new wheelchair again.

Hell yeah.

You got new wheels.

What's the difference between that chair and the old chair?

You got a cup holder there?

I put a cup holder on all of them.

Okay.

Someone's got a drinking problem.

Drinking and driving problem.

Watch out for for the reservoir.

This is the first time I've used a condom in 50 years.

Joe Biden.

You should cut a hole in it like your wife did.

Oh, yeah.

Circumcise that microphone.

Hey, look, hey, America, I finally got a knife from Joe Rogan.

Put that on your bingo cart and fuck it.

Thanks, Joe.

Unbelievable.

True story, by the way.

Jill did cut a hold of the condom.

Fully lubricated microphone.

You might want to insert it first.

Don't tell me how to live my life.

Oh, my God.

Where's that blind kid?

I can throw it to him.

They'll think it's a hot air balloon.

You're so funny.

What is the update on this new wheelchair?

What's your max speed on that thing?

It's actually slower, but it is American-made,

so.

Hell yeah.

They'll fix it, so this one can be fixed.

Yeah.

I love it.

I can't, but the, yep.

It's a shame it's slower.

If it was faster than your old one, I'd say you could stage dive here tonight, but there's a bit of a barrier there between you and the audio.

I'll do my best.

No, no, it's okay.

I know how that'll go.

That'll be a that'll be a sad fall right off the front.

Have you ever sat on the joystick of that wheelchair?

Oh, red band.

Why do you do this, Red Band?

Come on, Brian.

Stick to the...

I took the blow to that one.

Hurling through it.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Nope.

Don't, nope, don't.

No, that's okay.

Just put it down.

Nope, don't.

Put it the fuck down.

Put it.

Nope, don't do that.

There you go.

Great stuff.

Physical comedy during a podcast.

That's a disgusting question, by the way.

Have you ever sat on the joystick of your wheelchair?

Okay.

That's why they call it a joystick.

That's true.

That is true.

Anything else crazy going on, Fiona?

Oh man, I just recovered from a concussion.

Whoa, how is that even possible?

It seems like out of all the people that will not get a concussion, it should be you.

Someone stable in a chair that probably gets laid down softly into a bed at night.

What happened?

I think it all comes back to the joystick.

Too much joy in that stick, yeah.

Yeah.

What happened?

I

was in a handicap stall wearing these shoes and I fucking fell and smashed my head on the grab bar.

The thing that's supposed to fucking protect me.

Betrayal, betrayal is what happened, yeah.

What did it feel like, the concussion?

What did it feel like?

Yeah, if you could describe it to him.

It was the worst job interview I've ever been to.

It felt like my dad.

I'm just kidding.

No, no.

I'm fine.

No one hit me.

Sorry.

I'm lying right now.

Fiona, you're absolutely crushing it.

Tomorrow night, we announce where the next arena stop for Kill Tony will be historically on night two.

We always announce it.

And tomorrow night on New Year's Eve, we will announce where the next huge arena show is.

And I'd like to be the first to tell you that it is going to be the highest attendance in the history of Kiltony and that you will be on that show.

You will catch her there.

You'll find out where tomorrow night.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time as loud as you can for Fiona College.

Great job, Fiona.

Great job.

Wow.

They're coming.

Grab the mic.

Oh, Red Band.

Come on, Red Band.

Red Band, you don't have to make that noise.

Back to the bucket we go, everybody.

We're gonna meet this person all together.

Even though the name kind of looks familiar, let's see what happens here.

60 seconds going to Truly Joy.

Truly Joy, everyone.

Here we go.

The comedy stylings of Truly Joy.

What's up, Austin?

How you guys feeling tonight?

So I just moved to Austin a couple months ago and I've already seen a bunch of fights.

And the other night, I saw the most confusing one yet.

It was two non-binary people fighting each other.

I turned to the guy next to me and I'm like, who's winning?

And he's like, they are.

And I'm like, who?

And he goes, they.

And I'm like,

okay.

How the fuck am I supposed to know which one he's talking about?

Well,

I guess all that matters is

they won.

All right, there it is.

Chuli Joy.

Chuli,

you've been on this show before, right?

Yeah, this Yankfest episode.

Sorry.

Okay, yeah, good to see you again.

I remember that head anywhere.

Yeah.

Wide.

Pretty big.

Yep, that is your identity.

Is it?

Yep.

All right.

You look like Macy Gray and Lenny Kravitz fucked and had a baby.

I'd agree with that.

I'd agree with that.

That's a compliment.

No, I would say so.

Two of my favorite Spotify listens.

What ethnicity are you with an amazing head of hair like that?

I'm Cuban and Puerto Rican.

Whoa.

Oh my goodness.

Some of you.

What is the second one?

Cuban and what?

Puerto Rican.

Oh, wow.

What a mix, right?

Yeah.

I mean, time to take out the trash.

You know what I'm saying?

Damn, that's a singer.

You can get the time to take out the trash merchandise on your way out, everybody.

It's brand new.

Catchphrase.

It's time to take out the trash.

So how did you feel when...

Because that was after Skank Fest,

I was in the news for calling half of your blood vines

original island garbage because there's a garbage problem and a garbage patch.

Yeah, yeah.

So it was pretty weird because I was so excited to finally get on Kill Tony, you know?

And like you say that and like

my whole Puerto Rican side are like, we are not trash.

We are not trash.

And I was like, oh, this is not going to end well for me.

Like that's how I family.

That's how I felt at the time, too.

Well, we're in the same boat.

It got so bad, Tony called me.

Here we were driving the boat.

What?

What was that?

Well, you fucked it up.

Go ahead.

Did you try to explain to your Puerto Rican family that I wasn't calling the people garbage?

Did you try to explain the jokes?

Yeah, I told them that you were a cool guy.

You know, and it was like, jokes are jokes.

And I also said that I was on the show before you said that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look at you now.

What do you think they're going to say about this?

They're going to think it's fucking awesome.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

They're back on the Kill Tony team.

You're damn right

everybody is

what do you do for work chuli well you know i have a house in florida but like i'm in between jobs i just moved to austin so like i need a job yeah yeah so i'm looking what are your skills what what do you bring to the table i would say sales what else

Public speaking, you know, just like being in front of people.

I don't know.

What have you seen

before?

What would you be good at selling?

I was selling clothes.

worked at different stores.

Like vintage stores?

Yeah, different things.

Is that where you got the elbowless jacket?

No, actually.

Actually, no, my buddy gave this to me, but like everything else.

What's on the back, though?

It looks like it's a gang jacket.

What's your gang?

Rose?

Rose Ave.

Rose Ave Dog Town.

So like a flower gang.

A flopper gang?

Flower.

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley and get pollinated.

I would take you down, dude.

I wouldn't want to meet you buck naked in a garden.

You wouldn't?

No, I changed my mind.

I would.

All right.

Psychic opposite day.

Julie, what else?

Tell us something crazy about your life that we didn't learn last time you were on.

How about he went through puberty when he was 12 on his head?

I was in the first government-funded PSA for marijuana.

Wow.

Yeah.

Thank you, guys.

I I would have guessed that.

What did you think?

I know.

It was like,

it was like drive high, get a DUI.

And I was like in front of

a grill pressing the button, but there was no tank.

So it was like grilling high is now legal.

But getting.

All right, truly.

All right.

Did you get a little joke book last night?

I didn't get any joke books.

You didn't?

Guess what?

You're getting a little one here today.

There he goes.

Truly, Joy, everybody.

Thanks, guys.

This guy,

high as shit.

Some people.

He's like Mexican Matthew McConaughey.

Too soon?

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian looks high, but he's not.

This is a legend of the show.

Kill Tony, Hall of Famer.

This.

If you know the words, sing along.

This is Hans Kemp.

A brand new minute.

This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kemp.

Hey,

what's up?

It's good to be here.

It's a great time right now to be a comedian at the Comedy Mothership.

We all got jobs in the new administration.

I'm in charge of agriculture.

Fiona Collie is in charge of immigration.

She's a new border collie.

Tony Hinchcliffe recently got in trouble for calling Puerto Rico an island of garbage, which is a compliment.

He's from Ohio, which is landlocked garbage.

I'm glad Trump is in office office again.

I can't believe the Democrats shut down the whole country for a disease that only kills old people.

What are we going to ban next?

Stairs?

I'm glad COVID happened.

It got rid of a horrible group of comedy audiences.

I can't wait for a pandemic that targets bachelorette parties

and Dominicans.

That's my time.

Thank you so much.

Boom.

Hans Kim,

one of the legends of the show, has returned.

How did that feel, Hans?

It felt great.

After the first joke, it felt amazing.

But yeah, the second and third were great.

Yes, there you go.

Play-by-play analysis of your performance.

Fun.

I had a lot of fun.

You're lucky that people from Ohio all speak English and have a good sense of humor.

Yeah, unlike those Puerto Ricans.

Whoa, nobody said that.

Jesus Christ, Hans, you're going to get me in trouble over here.

So how's life been going?

What's going on?

It's been great.

I have just been, you know, as you said when I saw you on Friday, I've just been staying at my house, farting on my girlfriend for a couple months.

Yeah.

I recently went hunting.

I was in a blind next to a feeder, so not really the kind of hunting that Joe does.

But yeah, I actually killed a whole deer, and it was kind of small.

It was a small deer, which is even harder to hit, so I think that's pretty good.

You killed a baby deer.

Yeah.

Oh my god, Hans, that is not cool.

Did anyone tell you how old they thought the deer was?

Did they analyze the size of it?

No, we just were shooting out there.

I missed two, I hit one.

Dude, how bad of a driver do you have to be to drive through a zoo?

Do you notice he's always smiling no matter what?

You've got a permanent, like, happy grin.

Like, have you ever really hit like a kid in a wheelchair and you're just like...

Yeah, I only have two expressions.

Eyebrows up, eyebrows down.

He has two too.

Pants up, pants down.

Hunch, you look like the accountant for the squid games.

That's a compliment.

Thank you, man.

I'm pretty good at math.

Hope I can count on your vote in 2095.

That is true.

A lot of pandemic themed jokes, they are trying to say that there's a new pandemic happening right now.

England said to stay at home.

Bird flu, they're calling it.

I believe this one comes from...

There it is.

My god, this is patient zero right here.

Just starting.

Is that the

bird that flew into the jet engine?

No, I'm just sorry.

How dare you?

So Hans, how does it make you feel?

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

There's a billion of us.

We're just out here coughing on each other.

We're a peachy dish for a new pandemic.

Sorry about that, but we did give you gunpowder.

So

That is true.

What else is going on, Hans?

Anything else crazy?

I recently went to Cancun with my girlfriend.

We stayed in a resort.

It's beautiful.

It's like a whole nother country down there.

Was it one of the cheaper resorts in Cancun?

No, it was quite expensive.

I told her I got the cheapest room, and then I got her the most expensive room.

It was $7,000.

But

I shouldn't say that.

I shouldn't say that in front of a sold-out arena.

I also have started playing Carcassonne as a board game.

Oh, okay.

Carcasson, yeah.

And, you know, I recently was in Nashville.

I, you know, enjoy

having sex with my girlfriend.

Okay, wow.

Hans just short-circuited there.

Whoa, whoa, let me...

Well, one of my favorite things to do is hotel sex.

What's your favorite position when you're in Cabo with your girl, with your with that guy?

What'd you do?

You spent $12,000.

What'd you guys do?

What'd you and that guy do?

We did a lot of missionary.

It's cut to a clip.

We don't have it.

What else did you do?

We did sideways sex on our sides.

Wow.

She likes to make it casual.

She faces the other way.

Yeah.

So it's just super lazy doggy style.

It's like a dog that fell over.

Yeah.

It's like the deer, the baby deer that you shot.

How old was this deer?

I know that you went with somebody that probably has some hunting experience and they were like, oh, fuck, this isn't right.

I want to know exactly how terrible of a deed you did.

It was a female baby.

It was about that tall.

It was like a cat.

I felt like I killed a cat.

Well, then it couldn't have been that tall if you felt like it was a cat.

A main coon.

But no, yeah, I killed it.

I did a little neck shot right through the neck.

Oh, absolutely terrible.

Hans, you should never go hunting again.

You're going to get a taxidermy and put it in the living room or something, guy?

Yeah.

It'll just fit in a

huh it'll it'll fit in a corner doesn't take up too much space a little hump

your house i'm gonna check in with our senior hunting correspondent joe rogan here

i want to call a game warden right now i don't know what the fuck you did but this is america

we don't eat dogs and you can't shoot babies

piece of shit Jesus Christ.

That is correct.

Well, Hans,

you did it again.

Another great minute, and you, as always made us feel super awkward and weird during your interview part, but it's always full of insane information.

Out there shooting baby deers, having sideways sex.

Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

Tony, Tony.

Yeah.

Can I ask you a big favor?

Yeah.

Stop the music, guys.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold the music here.

It's a new year, right?

Uh-huh.

I think I want to send the message we go into the new year helping people.

This may be unprecedented, but for 30 seconds, could you bring back out the guy with the kooky eyes?

I want to help him.

I want to cure him.

Do we have the guy with the kooky eyes anywhere?

The guy with the kooky, wiggly eyes.

There he is.

Deep pop.

Can we bring him back up?

Here he is.

Bring him back out.

Just give me 30 seconds.

I got a cure for this guy.

Bring him out on stage.

I want to go into the new year helping, solving this guy's.

I have a feeling someone's about to get an ultra-ripped condom rubbed into his eyes, everybody.

I want to help this kid.

Here he is.

Wow, look at that.

Backstage cameras, the great Notorious Productions.

How about a hand for the whole crew here working tonight?

Bring him out.

The great Anthony Giordano in the truck directing it.

We've never had backstage cameras before.

This is actually exciting for me.

What was his name again?

His name is Deepak

Sahota.

Alright, Deepak.

Here he comes.

Here he comes.

Here he is.

Here's Deepak.

Come on over, Deepak, all the way across here.

Come on out here, Deepak.

I want to cure you, dude.

Harlan Williams has an idea on how to cure Deepak.

Zoom in again on those eyes.

Zoom in again on his eyes.

See if we can get a zoom on these crazy eyes.

There they are.

Can we get a little bit tighter on those

crazy eyes?

A little tighter.

Oh my god.

Now let me ask you, buddy, do you want me to cure you?

Keep looking at the camera, Deepak.

I'm over here.

Just say yes.

Just say yes.

It's fucking show business.

Say yes.

Do you believe in me?

Do you trust that I can heal you, Deepak?

Give me the cure.

Okay.

All right.

Harland is looking at him directly in the eyes.

Oh my God.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen,

he is scared.

Oh my God.

Deepak.

Those actually work?

That is...

Absolutely incredible.

Let's zoom in on Deepak again.

Deepak, look out there at the people.

Let's get that close, Cam.

Step up to the microphone, Deepak.

Step up to the microphone.

How do you feel right now, Deepak?

You look like a whole new man.

You're welcome.

You feel like a visionary.

I'm telling you right now, if we could just brown up the skin around those straight eyes a little bit, You would be unstoppable.

You actually look better with those glasses on.

I never before have we ever seen in the history keep looking out there.

Keep looking straight out there.

You're never gonna make it into Sin City 2 now, unfortunately.

Never before in the history have we ever seen anyone put on comedic glasses and become a good-looking man.

These are great glasses to challenge somebody to a staring contest in.

I beat you at that for the record.

Whoa.

Deep back, just for old time's sake, put your finger on the glasses like that.

Hold them steady.

Yeah, hold them.

Now shake your head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just for old time's sake.

There he goes.

Harlan Williams has the touch of a god as he has cured deep hacks.

Do I get to keep the glasses?

Those are for you.

You are healed, my man.

Welcome to 2025.

2025.

healing is alive in 2025

deepak has been cured of his old shaky eyes and now we roll on to the fifth bucket pull of the night make some noise for andrew champion everybody here's andrew champion

bucket pull number five

One more time for Andrew, everybody.

What the fuck is up us Austin?

My friend has an Indian Siri.

It's kind of sketch.

I was taking him home one time, and he's like, I got you on the address.

And it was like,

I was like, bro, I'm not listening to that.

It's going to take me to an ATM machine and tell me to dump all the Bitcoin I have.

And he was like, hey man, stop hating on my Siri.

That's my guy.

That's my guy.

Stop hating on him.

And I was like, dude, I'm not trying to get kidnapped at Microsoft headquarters.

It's not happening.

Put your ATM card in the machine and dump all of your bank account into the saving account.

Redeem the credit card, please.

And he was just like, man, stop hating on my guy.

Stop hating on my guy.

I was like, dude, I'm not hating on your guy.

Stop calling him your guy.

Because

he wasn't saying he was his guy.

Replace your guy with some word that I can't say.

Thank you.

That was my time.

Okay, a bunch of Indian stereotypes

used in the form of a Siri to deliver the jokes.

Andrew Champion, look out there straight at that red light out there, and let's just take note that he has the exact same eyes as the glasses that Harlan just put on the last guy.

Unbelievably just creepy normal eyes.

There they are.

Bring Deepak back out.

Bring Deepak back out.

I think that is.

I think Deepak just put on a backwards black hat and did a new minute.

Making fun of his own family.

So Andrew, how are you?

How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my second time.

Okay.

What made you start stand-up?

When was your first time?

At the Secret Group in Houston.

Okay.

How long ago was that?

About a month and a half ago.

And here you are in Arena for your second time, which is crazy.

We've had almost all first times, second times tonight out of the bucket.

What made you want to sign up for an arena for your second time ever on stage?

This was my Christmas gift, so I was like, you know, might as well sign up.

There you go.

Who got you this gift for Christmas?

My mom.

Wow.

Is your mom here?

She is.

Did she write a minute?

She did not, but she has plenty of stories that embarrass me in front of all these people.

Wow.

Well, your face is doing that for you.

What do you do for work, Andrew?

I work at the Houston Improv.

Okay.

You're a door guy there?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

What do you love about Houston?

Pretty much nothing.

I'm trying to move.

You're trying to move here?

It could be on the list, but it's kind of set up for Colorado Springs right now.

What makes you want to move to Colorado Springs?

I have a lot of good friends there, and I'm trying to get out of the house on my own.

What do you and your friends do when you guys hang out?

Smoke?

Yeah.

Indoors, obviously.

In a car.

Okay.

President Joe Biden.

Yeah, I like your bling.

Thank you, man.

You buy that yourself or was it given it to you by a prostitute?

A down payment.

Dr.

Pepper?

What'd you say?

A down payment.

A down payment.

How much did it cost you?

It was a Christmas gift.

Who was it a gift from?

My parents, yeah.

Wow, your parents gave you that thick necklace.

That's true Houston shit right there.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Sipping on faux faux.

What about the bracelet?

What's the story on the bracelet, my guy?

Hey, move forward a bit.

You're kind of hiding behind everyone.

I can't see.

There you are.

Tell us about the bracelet, my guy.

One of them's a shark tracker, and then the other one I a shark tracker?

Yeah.

You know, we're like 3,000 miles from the nearest ocean, right, buddy?

You're afraid of sharks?

Not really.

Why do you have a fucking shark tracker?

Yeah.

Good question, Arlen.

And then the the other bracelet's from an ex-girlfriend.

So it's what?

It's from an ex-girlfriend.

And you still wear this bracelet from your ex-girlfriend.

I do.

What fucking bitch gave you a shark tracker bracelet?

That one was from my mom, but

how long ago did you and this ex-girlfriend break up?

Um,

officially like three months ago.

Okay.

Did she ever give you any hammerhead?

Occasionally, you know.

When I asked.

If you could say anything to her right now, look at that red light down there and say something to this girl that broke your heart three months ago.

And wiggle your eyes back and forth like you're in an earthquake.

And put your hand on your head like you're a shark.

I love you still, Michaela.

What the fuck?

We actually have a, hold on, we have her on on the why don't you look at the red light

That is incredible absolute spitting images of one another here put put a condom on your microphone

You do a no don't yeah, definitely don't do that.

Just put that in your pocket.

Put it in your pocket Look back at that camera again.

Can we zoom in one more time and can we just take note

that this is what

a parentless Shane Gillis would have looked like?

Let's just take note that if he had no mother and father that loved him, this is what Shane would have ended up looking like.

He should be attacked by a shark, that fucking guy.

Look at him.

It's Payne Gillis.

What's the weirdest drug you've ever done?

You have very low levels of vitamin D.

I haven't adventured out from weed.

Do you hate vegetables?

No, I actually love vegetables.

You do?

Yeah.

Well, Fiona Collie's backstage, so.

Oh,

yeah.

Come on, we're having.

I'm not going to standing for you.

Oh, yeah, that's the kind of jokes we like.

Just absolutely wrong.

So is Fiona right now.

She's running away.

Fun stuff.

Andrew, here's a little joke book.

Congratulations.

No glasses necessary.

Sleeping with Deepak eyes.

Woo!

Ladies and gentlemen.

I like that guy.

Hold the music.

We have come to a very special part of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has progressed and we've hit so many milestones, we have been able to hit levels that I never thought before we could ever hit.

And we have the respect of so many people that I've looked up to for so long.

And it is incredible and surreal to bring up this next special treat and very special comedian.

He's been one of my favorites since as far back as I can remember, and I can guarantee you he's one of everybody's favorites.

The fact that he's here to grace us with his presence truly boggles my mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, dropping in on this show,

I present to you one of the greatest of all time and the first comedian ever in history to sell out an arena.

This is Andrew Dice Clay

live and in the flesh, baby.

Oh,

my God.

Test.

You know, I'll tell you the truth.

I didn't even know I was going to make it here tonight, Tony.

You know what I mean, Joey?

Mr.

President.

You got to understand, half these planes don't even take off anymore.

And I wanted to be here.

so I'm walking around the airport

and I see this

spirit air

some guy there

with a

with a pit doodle

trying to fucking check in

And I just cut him off and I say to the lady, I go, look, I got to get on this airline.

I see you're going to Austin.

How much for first class?

She's going, $35.

I go, $35?

Here's $100.

Keep the fucking change.

And she goes, but the bags, the bags are going to be $750 a piece.

Yeah, okay, good for me, right?

So now I get on the plane.

It's not even like a real first class.

It's like folding chairs.

And there is no, there's no,

it's first class and last class.

Like standing room, like a fucking train.

And in the first class, there's no movies, there's no entertainment of any kind.

I'm thinking, this is going to be a long fucking flight.

Till

about 45 minutes into the flight is when the MMA fights start in the aisles.

Where some Karen says something to some guy and then her husband and everybody starts swinging it out There's fucking blood splattering and Just when you think it's all calming down, some guy in last class goes,

I just want to kill everybody,

and he starts trying to open the fucking emergency door.

And I got to tell you, in my whole years of flying, I never saw a pilot come running through the aisle.

swinging like an animal.

It was like watching Joe Pesci and fucking Goodfellas where he'd go, you motherfucker, I'm gonna fucking end you

I'm telling you I I

I just can't take the fucking holidays you know

two weeks I'm in New York my chick is from here actually

and

and about two weeks into December you know she's like she loves Christmas but she's looking like under the tree she's going

did you forget

to put something there?

And I'm going, did you forget to blow me?

I mean, depending on how good you fucking blow me, I'll go into the 23-degree fucking weather, but it might be J.C.

Penny.

It might be Macy's Nordstrom, or if it's that fucking good, Sachs fucking Fifth Avenue.

How does that sound?

and then

and then everywhere you go every party it's a fucking turkey

starting with Thanksgiving right another fucking do you know nobody likes turkey

when you go to somebody's house during the year

And you come with a nice bottle of wine, you look at the guy and go, what are we having?

Steak, chops?

The guy goes, turkey.

I go, give me the fucking wine back.

Yeah, honey, put your coat on, walk out the door.

Go ahead.

Walk out the door.

We're not friends with them no more.

And then what I love about all of you, when I see you at parties, when you're eating the stuffing, you're all just terrible fucking actors.

Because you're all like, oh my God.

This stuffing is beyond belief.

And you're all saying that

because we all know

that the stuffing for hours on end has been baked in the

turkey.

And you can't believe there's no turkey fucking asshole taste.

There's no asshole smell on the stuffing.

And then my girl comes over to me.

She goes, babe,

what part of the turkey do you want me to save for you

do you want the wing or the breast or the or the thigh I go you know what

let me have the clit

I already ate out of its asshole

let me have the fucking clit

Look out other nice couples in the front.

What's your name, honey?

Any idea?

Remind me to pinch your tits after the show.

I like you.

The red fucking dress with those big fucking pig tits.

I love that shit.

Big fucking pig tits and a fat ass.

What's better than that, right, my friend?

What'd you meet?

Like on a site?

That's the thing today.

We meet on the site.

Swipe to the left if you just think she's a big, fat, ugly cow.

Or swipe to the right if you could see coming all over her

see years ago see a lot of people don't realize I'm a romantic

okay

35 years ago you'd meet a girl at a club

at a bar Take her for dinner, you let her think you're fucking listening to her.

Oh, really, that's what you want to be, yeah, Gofio.

And then you don't even realize, all of a sudden, her pants are on the floor near your bed with her bra and her tongue.

You're in 69 position with her on top and you're working over her fucking sour grapefruit between her legs as you're staring into the eye.

of her asshole

and i'm thinking

i don't even know her favorite color

all right you've been a great crowd god bless have a great new year tonight thank you

thank you

come on people the legend the undisputed king andrew dykes clay

Holy shit

Wow, coming off an amazing weekend at the mothership.

It's amazing he's stuck around for us.

How about one more time?

He can still hear you, the legend Andrew Dice

play.

And this is indeed bucket pool number six, right?

Yep, that's what we got.

You guys having fun out there?

It never would have been imagined in this world that you could one day be on a comedy show and be pulled out of a bucket in an arena having to follow Andrew Dice Clay.

But this next lucky human has the job to do.

60 seconds going to your next bucket pool.

Luke, stam.

Luke, stam, everybody.

Here he comes.

One more time for Luke, everybody.

I'm tired of pretending that I have to care about homeless people.

Because I fucking hate homeless people.

They always come up to you asking you for something they don't need, like a dollar.

It's like, bitch, you don't even have legs.

What are you going to go spend it on?

You know, they never come up to you asking you for something they do need, like a piggyback ride.

To the nearest bridge.

That way you can toss them off into into the river.

That's a win-win because if they die they get to move into the house of God

and If they live they've been stinking up the corner for a week anyway.

They can start fresh and clean 20 miles the fuck away from me

Now I understand there's a lot of veterans that are homeless and I want to have a soft spot for them But it's hard for me too because we taught them how to make money It's like as soon as they became homeless, they forgot how to point a gun in someone's face.

Why are you asking me for a dollar?

Come and take it, bitch.

I fucking love it.

A real bucket pull.

A half a standing ovation in a goddamn arena for Luke Stam.

And it is becoming a full standing ovation.

What an unbelievably surreal situation.

Five bucket pulls before you.

Barely anybody move the crowd at all.

Andrew Dice Clay comes up, crushes, and you have no problem following it.

A true professional and an unbelievable performance that you will undoubtedly remember for the rest of your life.

And you're going to remember you did it all with that.

Stupid fucking mustache on your face.

I almost trimmed it today, too.

Welcome back to the show Luke.

You've been on once or twice?

This is my third time.

Yep, third time for Luke Stam.

You live here in Austin.

Yeah.

How long you been doing stand-up?

About four and a half years, something like that.

And how?

Yeah, Joe?

I was going to say that homeless veteran jet.

That's a solid joke, dude.

Oh, very, very fun.

Yeah, it's great.

Especially your passion.

You held on to the mic stand.

You stayed right in the pocket.

You knew what you were saying.

You looked at the audience the whole time.

You see these people that uh have been doing it that's from his reference of tripping from 45 seconds ago for those of you wondering how far red band is behind on the soundboard right now

and you delivered it passionately you believed in what you were saying you thought it was funny to you and you that's because i hate homeless people you don't have to pretend you also played on

disgusting it is true it is true and i was one for a while so it's fine yeah you still are wearing the same clothes you were then.

Let's go with the President of the United States for.

First of all, I've never seen someone so angry about giving out a piggyback.

But second of all, what was your favorite thing about being homeless?

No cares in the world, I guess.

Get to...

I was hammered the entire time.

I don't remember.

What was your favorite food when you were homeless?

My favorite food when I was

your mother's.

Wow, Jesus Christ.

That's what you get, Joe Biden, for asking such questions.

That is the correct answer.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, that won't be coming.

You mean my mother's dead?

You betcha, you fucking pervert.

You do look like you ate wells for a homeless guy.

Oh, yeah.

He looks like he ate some homeless guys.

Yeah.

You won't give a piggy back, but you do have a piggy friend.

Oh, there you go.

You just jump in whenever you want there.

Very good.

We know you're not homeless anymore.

I'm going to do the joke that you stepped on.

You won't give a piggy back, but you do have a piggy front.

Still worth it.

Really would have been better if you wouldn't have answered questions from a few seconds before.

And here we go.

How long have you been on the homeless?

I moved here in April, at the end of April.

How do you make money now?

That is.

Oh, I do valet.

We've talked about that.

Yep, that's right.

At Baskin-Robbins?

Yeah.

All right.

So you have a home now.

Describe your home.

I mean, you were homeless.

Do you have a condo?

Do you have a house?

What do you got?

I live in an apartment with two other people.

Do you have a bedroom?

Yeah, I got my own bedroom, own bed.

I live with a married couple now, so I get like all the perks of sex.

No, no, I get to hear all of it, but what sort of noises are fresh meal every night?

Yeah.

Dude, that mustache, I gotta ask you, the way it's twirled up on each side, just so I know, is there a woman somewhere tied to a railway track right now?

Yeah.

Every hour I'm on stage, one less woman an hour is getting.

It's fucking hard to hear about the homeless and the guy who fucking owns Monopoly.

Let me, let's go back for a second to this living situation.

So you said that you hear them fucking and stuff and having a bunch of fun from the other side of the wall?

Yeah, it's the only way I can fall asleep peacefully.

Amazing.

So you've gotten used to it.

Yeah.

Right.

Does hearing people have fun on the other side of a wall make you a Mexican?

I hope not.

I was finally able to get one out.

You gave me some space to get a full one out there.

It was perfect.

You're You're welcome.

Thank you, Luke, for permission.

You have the energy of somebody that feels like they're going to shoot up a Buka de Pepo.

Buka de Pepo?

You got it.

You messed it.

Luke, what do you do for fun?

I just...

Do stand-up.

When you're not doing stand-up, for example, we found out tonight Hans Kim shoots baby deers.

Oh, he shoots baby deer.

Well, what would I do for fun if I had the time to?

Yeah.

I like killing animals.

Okay.

He did not say the word hunting, folks.

It's a very big red flag.

You don't have to hunt down a frog to stomp on it.

Wow.

Is that what you do?

Have you done that?

That's a great job.

I'm just trying to think of what I would do for fun.

You ever punched the shit out of a puppy?

I've struck a few dogs in my day.

You've shocked a few dogs.

No, struck them.

You shuck corn.

You don't shuck dogs, dude.

Wow, the crowd is booing.

What made them turn on me?

They are turning on you.

It's like punch it.

You didn't exactly answer the have you punched a puppy question correctly?

No, I have not punched a puppy.

Wait till their skulls get as thick as Joe's, and then you can really give it to them.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Wow.

We should get this guy a shark tracker bracelet.

Come on.

This is an amazing show where you could watch somebody make it and then slowly fall off the mountain right in front of your eyes over seven minutes.

Oops.

You know you're going to be homeless in a week, right?

Can't wait.

At least there'll be lots of strays you can beat the shit out of.

That's how you get good at it.

What'd you say about his mother again?

I forget.

Something about her twat.

That's the one I used.

Okay.

You got a big joke book last time you were on?

Yeah.

Here's a big H-E-B joke book for you, Luke Stam.

I'm gonna try to remember the first four minutes of this whole interaction.

Luke Stam.

Everybody, there he goes.

The set of the night, as far as bucket pulls go.

And let's do another

regular, ladies and gentlemen.

you guys are about to go crazy ladies and gentlemen i present to you one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show a man who is destined without a doubt to eventually get his american citizenship

this is the brand new minute from one of my funniest friends in the fucking world

the real deal the estonian assassin.

This is Ari Matty.

Okay.

Okay.

Which one of you bitches do I gotta marry to get this fucking passport, huh?

Can be a guy too.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't care about the gender.

I care about the documents.

I'll easily suck pick for freedom, you know what I'm saying?

And I'm listening I'm like a professional immigrant.

I know everything about visas.

I watch 90 Day Fiancé

like it's game tape, dude.

The key that I've learned, the key

is pregnancy.

That's why Texas is perfect.

No abortion sounds like a guarantee.

Who's trapping who, bitch?

But to be fair,

knowing my luck, it would be very me that I do get someone pregnant here, but then it turns out she's also an illegal immigrant.

Now we give birth to a Mexican Estonian.

The most useless passport in the world.

Thank you very much.

Hey, hey.

The one, the only, the great, the powerful, the established Estonian assassin,

Ari Matty, wearing a very fancy Estonian fila full jogging suit this evening.

Yeah, it looks like you just came from a badminton tournament.

What the hell's going on?

Badminton?

Yeah.

It doesn't matter.

You make iced tea.

I love a badminton.

I don't know.

What are some big Estonian sports?

They don't have badminton there?

No, we have like, oh, this.

Oh my God.

One time I said on this podcast that we don't have any athletes and all the Estonians lost their mind.

We have a female

disc golf.

Whoa.

Oh, what a sport.

Yeah.

This is a big disc golf crowd.

What a stupid sport.

Have you ever played it?

Yeah, I tried it.

Wow.

What an experience.

You did it with like the heavy disc and everything and people that knew what they were doing?

Yeah, it's boring.

I think it's cool.

Walk around in nature like an asshole with my little discus.

Even Red Band just said he thinks it's a cool sport.

Of course, Red Band loves that sport.

Ball in the wrist.

It's like golf, but...

With a free feet.

He plays biscuit golf.

Yeah.

He throws biscuits into his mouth and he celebrates after with a biscuit.

So stupid.

What do you love?

What do you do for fun here in America?

I don't really ever ask you that.

I got my first BB gun.

Oh, shit.

You can just get them at the store.

It's crazy, huh?

Yeah.

Just 30 bucks.

Kill a squirrel.

You're killing it.

Did you say a BB gun?

Sorry, what?

Did you say a BB gun?

BB gun.

He calls that a stutter gun.

Yeah, I thought you said a

pee be gun.

Where are you from?

Great question, Joe Biden.

He's from Estonia.

Hey, Joe Biden, can you take a moment from pardoning rapists and give me this fucking passport?

What do you think, America?

Should I pardon the Estonian assassin?

Are you from the USS Hard R?

I'll give you a pardon.

Hit me up on Venmo.

She.

How you doing, Joe Rogan?

This is the closest you two have come to doing a podcast together.

I offered.

I was on Facebook.

This is a great moment.

President Joe Biden, why did you not do Joe Rogan's podcast?

I I was asleep.

You're going to call me when I'm awake from 3 to 3.15.

Come on.

Look it up, Jamie.

Oh, you know some of the terminology.

You have you listened to or watched an episode?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

Which one?

There's a part about Bigfoot.

Come on.

I think you just say things that your advisors tell you and you remember key words.

Huh?

Ari, what do you think about there being a new president right around the corner?

How do you think this looks for your president?

Well, I'm nervous about his immigration policies.

So I don't know how this will be.

The inauguration is on my birthday, though, so very exciting day for all of us, huh?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I do love that Tony keeps saying we got you and that the visa things are fine.

I haven't got an email tony it's okay march 15 is coming up that's when my work visa expires you're gonna be just fine

uh anything else sorry maddie what else is going on you're back well okay okay i'll okay okay i'll tell you so i was having a great day you know scrolling on instagram you know i was

following some titties you know

yeah titties yes michael gets it, one straight guy.

A lot of you guys don't like titties?

And I follow a lot of, you know, bitches with titties.

So I follow this one girl.

I've been following her for a few years, apparently, you know.

And she comes up on my feed.

She's a cutie batootie.

And I do the usual thing.

I'm not a pervert, so I don't message them.

I do the usual thing.

You scroll, like a few pictures, you know.

Not all the sexy ones, maybe a few ones with the dog to let him know I like you as a person, you know.

You like their photos.

Yeah, you scroll back a little, and because I'm verified, it comes up like,

you know.

So then she ruins my day.

This is what she writes to me.

She goes, wait, I'll find it.

Oh, is this gonna be like Rick Diaz's?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She writes me a DM.

She goes, fuck you, you asshole, you weirdo.

You're only liking my pictures since I developed anorexia again

so I wrote back when does it kick in

don't step into the snake pit if you don't want to get bit bitch

no no no no this is what she writes before she reported me she goes you

she goes you ruined my day, you piece of shit.

So I wrote back, no I didn't.

Dinner is still ahead, XO, XO.

Fucking.

Oh my god.

Fucking rude bitch.

I was trying to be nice.

I didn't know you have fucking anorexia.

Fuck you.

Wow.

That is anger in the air tonight.

It's weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It ruined my day.

I'm not a pervert, you know, I'm a nice guy.

I just like your pictures.

Also, yeah, you post big titties.

Of course, I'm gonna follow.

Fuck.

It's a great t-shirt.

It's incredible.

I have a feeling her day gets ruined pretty easily.

Yeah, probably, right?

Moody bitch.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Did you say she had big titties?

Big, big, big, big titties.

But she's anorexic.

I know, right?

That's what I'm...

I didn't even notice.

What's her Instagram?

Let's look at it.

Oh, Red Band's interested.

Red Ban.

I don't know.

Anyway, no, definitely don't do that.

Definitely don't do that.

Well, Ari, you did it again.

Thank you.

Killing it in a fila suit.

The Estonian dream.

Thank you.

Ari Maddie.

Here we go.

Bucket pull number seven, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Carly Rose.

Carly Rose is next.

God damn.

How about another hand for Heidi, huh?

Here she is, Carly Rose, everybody.

I always hear people talk about being the personality hire at their job, but I'm disabled, so I do not work.

But I was the personality hire at my children's hospital.

And that's a lot to ask of a dying 13-year-old.

Morale is super low, and my jokes just don't kill like cancer on the sixth floor.

But honestly, being disabled is not that bad.

I come with like built-in party tricks.

I have two different options for body shots.

And I also don't need any alcohol to black out.

I'm really easy to date rape.

You just have to make me stand still for five minutes and I will hit the fucking floor.

Okay,

Carly Rose.

There you go.

Now I know why those other guys were angry.

Carly, you performed like someone that would have purple dyed hair.

So let's just get into it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Not very long.

Okay, you want to be more specific?

Well, I've been working around comedy for about three years.

I worked at a venue out in Satellite Beach, Florida.

Okay.

It's a record store.

And then I started comedy photography, and then I got into doing stand-up.

There we're almost getting to the answer now.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

How many times have you done stand-up?

Any of those things?

I've done like a handful of times, like four times.

Okay, what made you sign up tonight?

Just wanted to give it a shot.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's check in with the President of the United States, Joe.

Hey, hey, hey, she's a.

She's a real American.

Give her a chance.

Give her a chance to answer.

Yeah, thank you for my disability.

I love my $900 a month.

I didn't know we said that.

What's with the second belly button?

That was my next question.

Yeah, it's from a feeding tube.

The feeding tube?

Mm-hmm.

Why did you have a feeding tube?

Are you the anorexic that's in R.E.

Maddie's DMs?

Nope.

My stomach's paralyzed, so I don't digest properly or absorb nutrients properly, so I'm just perma skinny.

Oh, fuck.

Wow.

Skinning.

Weirder and weirder.

Oh, let's check back in with Joe Biden.

Well, we're trying to lower the prices of feeding tubes, so give me some time.

Let's check in with Joe Rogan here.

Joe, what do you think?

I was going to say, Red Bad, a boy can dream.

That's it.

Imagine you two just hanging out at night, you sucking on her feeding tube when she's asleep, just straight to the mouth.

She's slurping it down.

It's like a never-ending milkshake.

Baby Redbin drinking out of his baba.

Oh.

You have an iron deficiency.

It's the most disgusting thing I've ever pictured.

Yes, boo indeed, big sir.

I love it.

So what do you do with life now with purple hair like that?

I bake a lot and I sing.

What do you sing?

Karaoke.

What do you sing at karaoke?

I like Crazy by Narls Barkley.

Okay.

Nah, screw it.

Anything else?

Any redeeming qualities that might make this crowd.

I don't know.

You guys think we should hear us sing?

Yeah.

Come on.

All right.

Very cool, Joe.

Can I just start whenever?

Well, you're going to hear the band.

they're gonna play and you know the kind of the song.

Kind of, yeah.

Do you know how it goes?

I'll start, Joe.

Yeah, I just feel like I'm gonna pass.

I remember when.

I remember when.

I remember, I remember when I lost my mind.

There you go.

There was something so pleasant about that place.

Even your emotions had an echo in so much face.

When you're out there without care, yeah, I was out of touch.

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough.

I just knew too much.

Cause I make me crazy.

Cause I make me crazy.

Cause I make me crazy.

Possibly.

There you go, you did something tonight.

Look at that.

Would you like to go to the secret show tonight?

And Flugermo?

Jesus Christ.

Let me suck on that.

What's your favorite food to eat out of the feeding tube?

I used to get in trouble for eating jolly ranchers because when you drain it, it looks like blood.

Oh my god, you used to put jolly ranchers directly into your feeding tube?

No, but I did do a shot once directly through my feeding tube because why would you you want to taste it?

Whoa.

Joy reached her some vodka and soaked it.

Yeah, just like white gummy bear shot.

Yeah.

I'd imagine her doctor being, what the fuck am I fixing you for?

Well, that's what they said when I took the tube out myself.

Why is your hole infected again?

Shocks.

Thinking about all the years he spent in medical school, fucking carefully stitching her together.

He walks into the medical room.

She's just smoking a cigarette through her fucking stomach.

Hey, Doc, did my test results come in?

Just inhaling through the stomach,

exhaling through the mouth.

Jesus Christ Almighty.

You ever fart backwards and suck a full hot dog wiener inside?

I can't say I have.

I can't say I have.

You will.

You will.

One day.

Has that ever been done before?

Did you ever get sexual with it in any way?

Did a guy ever shoot his load in your tube or anything?

No.

No.

But I did get my uterus removed, and that has been very fun sexually, because there's just no worries.

Wait, why did you get your...

Wait, there's some barren women clapping in the audience.

What made you get your uterus removed?

Um, all of my illnesses are genetic, and I just felt like it was a responsible decision to not pass this shit on.

Wow, that's incredible.

Amazing.

You hear that, Latinos?

You can do that.

Yeah.

If you put your mind to it, you don't have to procreate.

The Latinos are actually nodding and agreeing as I see you out there.

You're like, hey, not a bad idea, dude.

Tony, what did I say about doing the accent?

It's hilarious.

So how long ago did you get the uterus removed?

How How long ago?

Yeah, ballpark.

It was actually last year, Friday the 13th in October.

Wow.

Amazing.

Jason Voorhees would be very proud.

Thank you.

So how exactly did sex change after getting your uterus taken out?

I used to have a lot of pain with sex, so there's none of that.

And I knew I wanted to move to Texas and obviously the whole abortion thing here.

So it's really nice to not have to worry about that ever.

You can't get me pregnant.

It's great.

You just not.

don't have to worry about having to get an abortion.

That is correct.

That is true.

There's a lot of horny men cheering for this right now.

You can really tell who jerked off today and who didn't.

Sorry to disappoint.

I have a boyfriend.

There's already someone loading shit in there.

Wow.

What does your boyfriend do for a living?

He's a comic.

He's a shop vac.

He's the guy with the mustache.

He makes his money being a full-time comedian?

He works at a dispensary as well.

Right, there it is.

Aren't you a dispensary in a way?

Yes.

No, I'm like a bank.

You ever squeeze out chocolate chips?

I'm more like a bank than a dispensary because

you make deposits.

Gotcha.

All right.

Well.

Very fun, Carly.

You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book.

fun interview you saved it with all

crazy life experience stay safe in those streets

I feel like I know too much

I feel like I don't know enough

we have a I've been informed by somebody's advisors that we have a special treat.

I don't know if you remember this President Joe Biden, but somebody just put in my ear that some of your advisors said that you prepared a little something for tonight.

You guys,

I'm going to be done being president in about two weeks and I am looking to pick up a new hobby and I thought I could do a minute here on Kill Tony tonight.

You guys might have to do a minute and stand up.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing.

The President of the United States of America.

We've seen this before.

Always great sets

from this guy.

One more time for Joe Biden.

Hey, America, how we doing?

One more time for Joe Rogan, Tony Inchcliffe, and Harlan Williams, everybody.

Come on.

Come on, keep it going over here.

We got a kid over here.

David Lucas.

Give it up for the star of sex and the obesity.

I love that guy.

David's the only guy with a harder time with stairs than me.

We'll keep it in.

People say I don't take the border problem seriously.

I say, why do you think I moved David to Texas?

You want to get in this country?

You got to go through his fat ass.

Come on.

Keep it going for Hans Kim, everybody.

Come on, he's still here.

Keep it going for Hans Kim.

Hans is autistic, or as I call it, he's hochimintly retarded.

What else we got?

Ari Maddie,

didn't I, what are you doing here?

Didn't I trade you to get Brittany Griner back?

Happy holidays.

Arlie, you look Ari, you look like you have a 401 KKK

Ari, you look like he watches Disney movies just to see the parents die.

Roofy Hauser MD.

All right, what else we got?

Red Band's here.

Red Band looks so sad.

It's just because he saw the list of foods that RFK is going to ban.

Like bagels and fruit.

Red Band looks like even his knees have double chins.

I love you, Red Band.

Congrats on the engagement.

What else we got?

Hans Kim

buys his clothes on Amazon.

Tony looks like Marty McFly got on the DeLorean and said it to gay guy.

That's all to me.

I'm just President Joe Biden.

I got two weeks left.

Maybe I'll get set up comedy going.

I'm going to go take a pee.

I got to take a pee.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

We'll see you guys.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

He's gotta go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna go to Joe Rogan.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was on the Joe Rogan experience.

He was on, this is Kiltoni, but yeah, you were with Joe.

He's going pee.

Look at that walk away.

Is that not iconic or what?

There he goes.

He's just in character every step of the way.

With that walk.

Holy crap.

He's doing it.

Oh, he doesn't know he's on the backstage camera.

That's Adam Ray, everybody.

Look at that.

There he is.

There's Joe Biden.

Okay.

He snapped right out of the character.

Okay, while we're waiting for the president, Joe Biden, to finish urinating,

we will roll something.

We have something very special for one of the members of this panel here.

It's been a special secret that we've kept a surprise.

Why don't we roll that video if it's ready?

Let's see what we got here.

Wow, what a treat.

Holy crap.

Look at this.

Sachi couldn't decide if you want to be a Smurf or Barney for fuck's sake.

No, Harlan, you can't do that, buddy.

No, Harlan!

No!

I present to you the great and powerful Harlan Williams.

Oh, shit!

Harlan Williams, first time on this show.

We wanted him for 10 and a half years.

We got him.

Harlan Williams.

Harlan Williams.

Harlan Williams.

Harlan Williams.

He's the only comedian on the stage with a degree from DeVry and coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, pie, coconut pie.

Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

Did me an interjector just real quick.

Have you ever eaten a baby?

Hang on.

Sorry.

Fucking Lyme disease.

Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away would like to write a check to help this young fellow out his way.

He's writing out an actual check.

Can you describe exactly what it says there on that check?

$300,000 with no name or nothing else.

See, I'm actually a member of a dolphin bank with no numbers, no nothing else.

Let me read it to you.

You fucked it up real bad, my guy.

I need my fucking guy.

How about all the fucking five guys right fucking there?

Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

Harley Williams, you look like Tyler Perry presents Back to the Future.

Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet.

How about that?

This is the only guy I know.

Everyone else in the country has Lyme disease.

This says he's got key lime pie disease.

Yo, this motherfucker cooking.

Fuck this old bitch.

You're my bitch tonight.

How about that?

That's right.

Surprise, surprise.

The 2024

guest of the year is Harlan Williams, everybody.

Congratulations.

Of course, here to present you with the award.

Last year's guest of the year.

Adam Ray slash Dr.

Phil slash Joe Biden slash Elaine slash Jeremy.

Make some fucking noise for the 2024

of the year

much

much deserved Harlan motherfucking Williams speech speech

speech

Therapy therapy therapy

I'm very emotional right now.

I

How could I know this was gonna happen?

Holy smokes, this was unexpected.

I really

didn't even have any idea that this was gonna

happen.

And to be named comedy sex machine

is unbelievable.

I really had no idea this was gonna happen.

But honestly, I'm very grateful.

You know, I just just threw them on the ground.

I don't care.

Hang on, I got to snort some

I just snort some

color, whatever they are.

I'd like to thank a few people if that's cool.

I'd really like, sir, if you could sit down in the middle of a fucking speech.

I hate when my dad comes to these things.

I'd like to thank Donnie's face braces.

As you know, my sister's eyes were this far apart for about four years and Donnie got the braces on her eyes and her faces are back together.

I want to thank crab legs or us.

My sister has demented legs and walks like a crab, so I want to thank her.

And I want to thank one of my earliest comedy influences.

I didn't know what comedy was until I was a little boy and I was watching Sesame Street like we all did.

And there's someone I want to thank on Sesame Street, the count.

Who knew that even numbers could be so hilarious?

One,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Two.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Three.

Don't spoil it.

Fuck you.

Four.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Folks, I want to thank Tony.

He's doing a great thing, bringing comedy to a whole new level.

Unbelievable.

It's really unbelievable.

Sort of starting a whole new revolution in comedy.

Joe Rogan, who kicked it off with his wonderful podcast and everything he's contributed.

Joe, you're amazing, Tony.

And folks, my joy in life is to bring laughter to you guys.

So the only thing I'd ask in return, go to my podcast, The Harland Highway.

Everyone watching, subscribe.

Take five seconds, subscribe, and let me bring the laughter to you.

Thank you, Tony.

Thank you, Joe.

Thank you, Joe Biden, if you know who you are.

And

I love you guys, and I'm going to promise this year to keep fixing more freaky, fucked up eyes.

Thank you.

Unbelievable, Harlan motherfucking Williams.

Amazing.

Just a little fun fact for those of you.

There's no way that he knew he was going to be guest of the year.

The funny part of that is that he's been sitting on and has had trophies shoved in his pants all night, literally not knowing that he was going to win anything.

The crazier thing is the eyes.

Yeah, well, I brought the eyes.

If I had to read a speech, I was going to say, let me put my glasses on.

And I realized that guy with the shaky rattlesnake eyes was a godsend, and I had to give it over to him.

So

that's called comedy karma right there.

Thank you, Lord.

Tell him about Dimitri.

Dimitri.

Okay, so when Joe had me on his podcast, which, by the way, give a hand to Joe and his fucking podcast.

Yeah, man.

This guy.

The

whole world.

So when Joe had me on his podcast, I went in at the beginning.

I had another thing in my pants.

I had a big long, like two-foot-long rubber snake.

And when I sat down with Joe at the beginning, I told him I had a tapeworm.

And at the end of the show, it was sitting in my pants for three hours.

I pulled it out at the very end.

And my proudest moment is Joe left it on his table.

We did it about five months ago, right, Joe?

He left my little tapeworm named Dimitri on his table.

And about two months ago, he did an interview with the most powerful man in the world, Donald Trump, the future president of the United States.

And I told Joe I was so happy because sitting between Donald Trump and Joe Rogan was Dimitri, my tapeworm.

So thank you, Joe.

I love you, buddy.

Thank you, everybody.

Harlan Williams.

Tony, thank you, Red Band.

Joe Rogan, President Joe Biden.

Indeed, check out the Harlan Highway.

Harland is hilarious all the time.

Much deserved 2024 guests of the year.

We've done a lot tonight.

We've seen feeding tubes.

We've seen it all.

People with wobbly eyes.

Guest of the Year, the return of Rick Diaz, Law Coger, Fiona Colley, Hans Kim, Andrew Dice, motherfucking Clay.

And I can think there's only one way to end an episode like this.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time for the all-time record holder in appearances.

The record holder in interviews, overall minutes on the show.

The first ever living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame and the reigning and defending most powerful regular in the history of the show.

Some people call him the HEB Produce Manager,

the Crown Prince of Cedar Park,

the Aardvark of Austin,

the pervert of Portland,

the disclaimer of Des Moines, the Memphis Strangler,

the Alaskan

The Zipper Cruiter Zebra

This is the big red machine

William Montgomery

Happy Kwanzaa son.

Oh my gosh, Texas, it is so wonderful to be here tonight.

I'm actually wearing this outfit as a sign of respect for the ancient Chinese tradition of Kwanzaa.

And I would like, in accordance with the scriptures, to read some fortune cookies.

If that's okay with you, motherfuckers, today

Spirit Airlines is going to start a frequent fighter discount where you earn a free trip after only four fights.

Okay, I've got 20 in here, so let me

Jimmy Carter will die on March 12, 2025.

Okay, I guess I'm fucked that one up.

Okay, let's...

I'm celebrating Quasa tonight.

Y'all haven't.

Oh, this is a long one.

Okay, let me.

The way you talk about the hot Latinas in the movie and Canto will turn on your therapist so much she'll ask to lie on the couch next to you.

Okay, let's keep moving.

God, my hands are so sweaty right now.

I'm sorry.

In the year 2025, Elizo will surpass a thousand pounds.

Okay, got y'all back with that fat bitch!

You know her ass hate celebrating Quadza this year!

As a part of Make-A-Wish, your son will wish he could perform the upside-down Spider-Man kiss, but sadly, Toby Maguire says no.

Okay, last one.

Let's keep her moving.

The waiter has a gun, and you must tackle them now.

Now do it!

Tackle the Dinner!

Okay, that's fine.

I done it!

I love the energy tonight.

Yeah!

William Montgomery has done it again.

The streak continues.

William.

I'm making Joe sneeze over it here.

Didn't he make me sneeze?

That's the new COVID.

We got to plan for it.

Joe is allergic to overly processed fortune cookies flying through the air, obviously.

We're finding this out tonight.

What made you go with this Asian theme tonight, William?

I started working out again, Tony.

I am feeling so good.

I'm going to enter the American Ninja Warrior, Tony.

Seriously, I've been playing way too much Call of Duty.

I'm off of Call of Duty.

I worked out for the first time earlier today, Tony.

I'm going to win American Ninja Warrior.

Wow.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine if the legend of Kill Tony won't be...

If I don't win American Ninja Warrior in 2025, heads will roll.

Wow.

You better hope throwing isn't one of the competitions.

Because they're going to fucking rip it on.

Okay.

You can feel.

I think you just killed somebody with a fortune, cookie.

This is amazing.

So what type of workout did you do today?

I was doing kettlebells.

I was just walking in lines with the kettlebells.

It was real hard.

It was 35-pound kettlebells.

Is that what you're doing with kettlebells?

Look at ya.

You did one 35-pound kettlebell in your hands and you walked around with it?

And I was walking around with it, yeah, because I was thinking aren't the guys in prison real big because they're just in the yard moving the weights around

well

now's a good time for us to check in with our senior fitness correspondent Joe Rogan

it's a good start it's what it's a good start it is a good start thank you I know I gotta start somewhere feel slowly I know, I gotta do slowly but surely, but I didn't do that with the Call of Duty.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to have fun.

And I see all these people leaving.

It's like a fucking nightmare.

I had a real fucking

hell of a time back in Memphis.

I fucking get back to Memphis.

My dad's cat got killed.

Literally, I get back to Memphis, and my father follows the car holding a bucket.

And I go greet my father, and there is a dead cat in the bucket.

Let's cut to a clip.

It is weird.

There is a thing where people sometimes scatter out on you at the last second, thinking that it's...

Bullshit, Tony.

I'm just trying to have fucking fun tonight, dude.

Yeah, that's what it's all about.

I'm feeling better than I've ever felt.

It's true.

You look great.

William, you look great.

Your body's in great shape.

You're almost ready to look like you're going to model regular clothes for Bass Pro Shop.

That's a compliment.

Take it off, you see.

People are yelling, take it off out there, William.

I even want to show off this new body.

You've worked out.

I don't think y'all want to see my thing right now.

Yeah, we do.

Sounds like they want to see it to me.

I'm serious.

It'd be a disaster.

Everybody would laugh, so I can't do that.

I mean, there was a woman up here earlier with a feeding tube hanging out of her stomach, so I'm pretty sure.

Well,

the people have spoken, William.

You want to see?

Uh-oh.

It appears as though we're going to get it.

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

He's going to do some Ninja Warrior.

Oh,

what is he doing?

Whoa.

Oh, my goodness.

This is Ninja Warrior.

Wow.

Wow, jelly roll.

That is a jelly roll.

Wow.

Two jelly rolls in a row.

I learned that shit literally earlier today.

I learned that in a day.

That's amazing.

Can you do a blueberry blint?

You put the salt.

Oh, I thought it was a face.

You put the salt in somersault, William.

So is that what you think?

Is that the step one to winning Ninja Warrior?

Some sideways somersaults?

That's what Hans Kim does after he comes.

I know his mom was commenting about it last night.

His mom and I were watching him last night.

You were talking with Hans's mother?

Yeah, we were in the room with Hans.

Really?

He saw one of those massager things, and he was putting it on his fucking dick.

And Hans's mom and I were watching his ass.

Let's cut to a clue.

I'm kidding.

That one I thought we had.

Wait, what?

This is the weirdest fucking night.

It is such a.

This is what we love, the chaos of Kiltoni.

It's like one second you're watching comedy gold, the next there's a lady bombing with a feeding tube.

Some guy with wobbly eyes.

Anything can happen.

Yeah, what was going on with that guy's eyes?

I wasn't hearing the volume, but I was seeing that guy's eyes.

Yeah.

They were going back and forth.

William, you look like you play pickleball with actual pickles.

Just on the big island!

You got it.

What?

That's where I would play.

I'd play on the big island.

I thought that was going to get a laugh, but I was mistaken.

So, oh, I'm having a real bad Kwanza today, people.

Give me a fucking break.

Seriously.

So you came out dressed like an Asian with an Asian hat, an Asian kimono, Asian pants, but I noticed you didn't do an Asian voice at all.

Oh, Tony, me so sorry.

Tony, me so horny.

Wow.

Wait, that wasn't really a good one.

Can you do it?

Miso horny.

Wait.

Can you do an Asian voice?

Tony, me so horny.

So sorry.

Little Jamaican there.

Sunday he's going to run for president.

This stuff's going to surface.

He could win.

William, what else before we see it tomorrow night?

Anything else?

Just probably going to start playing a little Call of Duty when I get back.

We are fucking double XP weekend, Tony.

I got to chill.

I got to fucking chill.

I'm getting so close with my.

I can't remember the camos I'm working on right now.

I'm zombies, but.

Opal, okay.

William, tomorrow's New Year's Eve.

I'm sure we're going go hard tomorrow.

Big, big night.

You always go big for those big shows.

Tony, I think you know we ain't have a yellow job going on on the land.

Let's go.

Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, everybody.

This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose.

Free entry at the Yellow Rose with a ticket stub tonight.

Make some noise.

I can't believe we were able to lucky enough to have him stop by the great Joe Rogan everybody come on

one more time for 2023 guest of the year believe it or not that's Adam Ray behind Joe Biden's

beautiful beautiful face and hair the legend the newest guest of the year 2024 Harlan Williams

The Harlan Highway.

Check out everything Adam Ray

Let's check out the art from the artist Chris Rogers drew tonight and Ryan J.

Ebelt are both here We're gonna check out their live art that they did.

Ooh Chris Rogers

and Ryan J.

Ebelt.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.

Booyah.

Chaos, I love it.

Ryan J with the guests.

Beautiful.

Stunning.

Make some noise for yourselves.

How many of you are coming back tomorrow night?

Well, we will see you then.

It's going to be a wild one.

Congratulations to you guys.

You also have an episode that dropped on YouTube while we were all here hanging out.

So go enjoy that if you want.

And you'll get three episodes in 48 hours.

We love you.

God bless this audience.

Love you guys.

And God bless the United States of America.

Joe Rojoy, Adam Ray, Harlan Williams, we love you.

See you tomorrow.

Thank you.

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