#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Nashville, Tennessee, one of the finest cities in the beautiful United States of America.

We are coming directly to you.

The Kill Tony Show live from the Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th.

Tickets are on sale now.

It's one of the largest arenas we've ever done.

This is your chance to get tickets.

Go to ticketmaster.com, type in the word Kill Tony, and get tickets now.

We will see you in April.

That is so funny.

Chocolate green, chocolate ring, chocolate ring,

chocolate rain, chocolate green

chocolate ring, chocolate

Hey, this is Redbank coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony H.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.

You're here.

Are you guys excited to be here?

That's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band.

Make some noise for them.

You've been listening to them.

That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns.

Charles Reed joining us on the drums tonight.

Crushing it.

The male model Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

The great John Dees on the keys.

And D-Madness on the bass guitar tonight.

An unbelievable episode for y'all coming at you.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

Well, well, well, well, well.

You know, every single week I am lucky to be able to book some of the funniest people in the world on this show.

Sometimes it's up-and-coming talent that you've never heard of before that I like to show off first.

Sometimes it is an old legend of comedy that's joining us.

Tonight, it is three of our favorite guests in the history of the fucking show.

It doesn't get any better than this.

As I bring to the stage, Indeed, coming out, debuting with his newest Netflix special tonight at midnight, it's called America's Sweetheart.

It is Ari Shafir.

Shane Gillis and Mark Norman.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

The boys are back in town.

Shane Dillis,

Ari Shapir,

and Mark Norman.

Let's fucking go.

We are in Austin, Texas.

This episode brought to you by Shopify, Prize Picks, Blue Chew, and Zip Recruiter.

Oh

my

God.

You are here in the vortex of comedy.

Fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect Our Parks, this is indeed the boys, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, and Ari Shafir.

American sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight.

America's or American?

America's?

America's sweetheart.

Belonging to America?

Absolutely.

That's me.

That is you.

The old red, white, and Jew.

Mark Normand here, sunglasses up, long day, protect our parks, five-hour episode from what I'm understanding.

All profits go to the Maui fires.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ, those fucking blacks.

And brought to you

by Bud Light.

Shane Gillis is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Three veterans of the show.

You guys all know how it works.

Who's on drums?

That is Charles Reed.

Michael Gonzalez is playing with Keith Urban tonight in a football stadium somewhere.

This band plays these.

Round of applause for Keith Urban.

Who gave John?

The band looks more urban.

You got some new digs here, Tony.

Like nice new equipment.

You're still leveling up.

We're upgrading, upgrading.

We even got

it all.

We got a little fucking monitors here so that we can hear better for the first time ever.

Just got to get rid of Red Band, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's hanging on by the way.

Oh, my God.

That would be the judges.

All he does is press fucking bird buttons.

Oh, fuck.

He got you.

He got you, man.

I've pre-pulled the first name.

We've gone to wrangle them across the bar.

It's all over you.

Hello, Bruski.

Oh, yeah.

One bud light down.

Right on the new monitor.

That's great.

The table explodes.

Oh, yeah, it's on.

That green light means that there's power running to it.

Dude, Mark, that's my jizrag.

Oh, my goodness.

This is how the forest fire started.

You guys know how it works.

I pull a comedian out of the bucket.

They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up.

Then or else they bring out the anger West Hollywood Bear, which rudely interrupts them and begins the interview portion of the show where I find out more about them,

what they do, who they are, and what they could be talking about in this world.

They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in a minute.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

All right, we're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner who is from Los Angeles, California, currently escaping the fires.

He's here with the new minute.

It's been a while.

This is your first comedian 60 Seconds Uninterrupted going to Jack Shaw, everybody, the return of Jack Shaw.

All right, guys.

Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school.

I drive a fucking fiat and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to.

I was driving my fiat in the fast lane the other day.

It was a big fucking day for me when all of a sudden this guy starts honking behind me, giving me the finger, saying, Fuck you, fuck you.

So I decided to pull over in the right lane, let him pass me.

He pulls up next to me, rolls down his window, and says, Roll down your window, you trans bitch.

And I said, Nope.

Uh-uh.

This made this man so mad.

I swear to you, this happened.

He took out pantomime finger guns and shot me.

And I, pantomime, caught the bullet in my teeth.

Ah!

Don't pantomime with me, bitch.

I went to performing art school.

Thank you guys so much.

Exactly one minute from Jack Shaw.

Not a second longer, not a second less.

A man thrifty with his time.

Ari Shafir, what's it like seeing your little brother?

Baruch Hashem, my brother.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, my God.

You're going to have a heart attack.

You've got to chill.

I know, dude.

I know, dude.

The blood is rushing to my cock and my heart at the same time.

It's crazy, dude.

Are you always this shaky or is it just...

Yes.

Yeah?

All right.

Well, then

you're calm.

Yeah.

He is a wild boy, Jack Shaw.

How's

Escaping LA right now going forward?

Oh my God, dude, I'm so happy to be here.

The whole fucking city's burning to the ground.

I shouldn't have thrown that joint out the window when I left, dude.

I feel really bad about that, dude.

That was really embarrassing, dude.

Probably your fucking menorah.

Yeah.

A lot of candles.

Eighth night of Hanukkah special, dude, burned down the whole fucking city, dude.

Great.

But you're not in the line of fire there, correct?

No, I'm deep in the concrete, dude.

I cannot afford to live in the palace.

However, you are wearing clothes given to you by the volunteer fire department.

Clearly, nothing fits you.

You look like the little boy from the movie Big when he turns into a kid and is stuck with his grown-up clothes on.

I got it free right off a body, dude.

It was awesome.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, you're really running with it there.

I'm crazy.

If you're here, who's taking care of your shrunken kids?

Some random black guy.

One of the band members is going to knock him out.

So, what's been going on?

Tell us about your life, Jack, since we've seen you last.

Anything crazy happening?

Man, Aaron Belisle's been taking me on the road with him, dude.

He's been fucking awesome to me.

He's been really cool.

All right, so you're opening for Aaron Belial?

Yeah,

opening for a guy who can't talk.

My fucking career is starting at the bottom.

You should walk in the room first and go, I'm cured.

It's me, Aaron.

I'm totally fine.

I love it.

I love his audiences, man.

I did a show with him in Sacramento, and this lady came up to me after the show, and she said, Jack, I love your comedy.

You're such an inspiration to my son.

He's also retarded.

Wow.

Yeah.

Hopefully aaron's audiences make more noise than he does

what's that car ride like between the two of you oh

they're strapped in the back of a van

dude he was driving dude and he's trying to talk to me while he's driving he's got one hand he's texting and driving and talking to me at the same time oh my god who is this guy aaron belisle he's the one that we're talking about though he's secretly gay We weren't supposed to talk about it.

He loves cocks.

Aaron Belil loves cocks, loves sucking them.

Black, white, brown, whatever.

Aaron Aaron Belio, the cocksucker.

Oh, all right.

He's like those Airy Matty.

It's easy to get them all confused.

Jack, what else?

How was Hanukkah?

Hanukkah was great.

Hanukkah!

Jesus fucking Christ.

How is Christmas, Tony?

God, if you were any Jewier, you would just fucking burn.

Put me on the steak, Tony.

I love it.

Bro, your voice makes me hate Jews.

Welcome.

If this was the Holocaust, Ari would be like, he's underneath the floorboard.

Please, for the love of God, get him away from me.

Ari, you look like an anti-Semitic drawing of a Jewish person.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

We're supposed to be friends.

Look at your fucking face.

God damn it.

Look Look at the Jews turning on each other.

Yeah.

Free Palestine.

Don't free Palestine.

Free Palestine.

Don't free.

We don't know what's in Jews.

What an iron dome you got here.

Free will, though.

You guys should free Palestine.

Yeah, I know.

No, that's definitely true.

Son.

Let's do it on the count of three, Ari.

One, two, three.

Free Palestine.

More free.

It's all about free with you guys.

Yeah, yeah.

Jack Shaw, way to to get the fucking show started.

Congratulations, and we have begun.

It has begun

and to our first bucket pool.

This is where we meet someone all together.

Even though this name looks familiar, I do believe we've seen this person before.

This is a new minute from your first bucket pool tonight.

Andrew Tarr, everybody, here is Andrew Tarr.

All right.

I saw the movie Oppenheimer.

During the movie, they explained why Hitler never pursued nuclear weapons, and it's because he considered quantum physics to be Jew science.

And I was just trying to put myself in Hitler's shoes, right?

He's just watching a bunch of Jews working on atomic weapons, and he's thinking to himself, Man, these people are so cheap, they're trying to split an atom.

What the hell is wrong with these people?

Smallest particle in the universe.

They want to cut it in half.

We have to do something about this.

Now I remember growing up in the early 2000s, like when SpongeBob came out.

And everybody's parents were like, ah,

it's going to make the kids gay.

And now,

everyone's gay.

They were right.

They knew exactly what they were talking about.

Okay.

Great set.

Thank you.

Best set you've ever had on the show.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Getting better out there.

Absolutely trying.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Welcome back, Andrew Tarr.

So

Tony, what the fuck do you invite me down for here?

It's a Jewish heavy episode so far.

It's like the roast of Ari to celebrate.

Unfortunate timing on that anti-Semitism.

Yeah, yeah.

We were just getting after it.

It's a great joke.

It could have been better, but we were, the whole room was kind of like, all right.

Might be going a little too far here.

I've been planning to tell that joke on here for such a long time.

And waiting in the back, I heard all of it.

I was like, fuck, should I do something else?

It's like, screw it.

We're doing it.

It was perfect.

Typical Jew joke.

You squeezed every penny out of it.

So what's been going on, Andrew Tarr?

How's comedy?

You're better.

You look like you have some vitamin D in your system.

What's going on?

Yeah, getting out, getting out there, barely getting by doing comedy, but getting by.

Going on dates and stuff.

I actually was supposed to be on a date tonight, but she canceled.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Look at that.

Now I get pulled on Kill Tony.

Amazing.

Way better than it would have gotten.

Amazing.

What would you have done on the date?

Who was it with?

Just some lady on Hinge.

Okay.

You've never been with her before?

No.

What was your big plan?

What were you going to do with her?

I just get drinks at Los Perlas.

Okay.

Talk and chit-chat and stuff.

How does that normally go for you?

You seem like you'd be an awkward date.

Yeah.

Yeah, that happens.

I'm an acquired taste.

Uh-huh.

Typically, they have to, if they like me a lot, it's great.

If I have to win them over, there's no way and chance in the way in how I'm doing that.

Right.

Let's get back to the Jew hate.

How old are you?

30.

Hey, you're cute.

That hair.

You got like a threw me off.

Yeah, you're a handsome guy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Look at that.

Looks like he found a date after all.

Shane, Shane wants to get some drinks at Pearl is after that.

To keep the Jew shit alive, we'll run a train on you.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I'm not going to say who, but two of the panelists have gas tonight.

Going from a canceled date to being gangbanged by Protect Our Parks is not how I thought tonight was going to go.

Hey.

That's how we met Rogan.

How else has comedy been going, Andrew Tarr?

What else is happening out there?

Just opening up for...

A couple of local people, opening up for a couple of...

Going on the road?

Yeah, yeah.

Where have you been?

What do you like?

What do you hate?

Oklahoma City, Tulsa.

I mean, I like anywhere that'll have me.

Uh, can't exactly be picky, uh,

right?

So, just one state up, just a few hours away, yeah, yeah, then like San Diego, where I'm from, so I'll do spots between there and there.

Okay, do you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells one retard?

That is incredible, he is correct.

I can confirm that.

I'm looking at the name,

retard is in there,

Juan Retard, W-A-N retard.

That is incredible.

How did you know that?

I don't know.

It's like insult rain man over here.

Did you know that

according to your zip code, if you translate it to Morris code, it spells out f.

Wow.

Anyone call you Tard?

Oh, all the time, but I've never heard the one retard.

I don't know how I'm just now hearing that after 30 years.

It'll happen from now on.

This is a pretty popular show.

One retard.

Oh, cool.

I got a new credit.

You might know this guy as the one retard from Gil Tony.

Yep.

Well, from one retard to another,

you did very good tonight.

You have a big joke book?

No, I don't.

You've only gotten small joke books before.

No, the last time I was on the show, you didn't have the joke books yet.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, who's the Jew now, Tony?

I am.

Because I don't even pay for these.

These are made by the great Bones Eye.

They're available at killmerch.com.

Here's a big joke book.

Andrew, I'd love to have you on the secret show, man.

Whoa.

Booked on the road.

One retard, aka

Andrew Tar.

Whoa,

there she is, the lovely Heidi

adding a little mustard to this sausage fest.

Can I get a cigar?

Do you guys have cigars back there?

Yeah, thanks.

All right.

Hell yeah.

What do you guys for a cigar?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're going to pull a Bill Clinton over there?

What's going on?

That's a good idea.

Belgium's on the dress.

Yeah, he's going to get one, too.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was queer.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoking special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name, and it looks like the type of name that I like out of a bucket pool.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Big Vinny.

Big Vinny.

Let's see what happens here.

Oh, yeah.

Big Vinny.

Hello, great people of Austin, Texas,

and Mexicans.

Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are make-a-wish kids?

Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody.

Like making Suicide Hotline go straight to Mr.

Beast.

Seriously, that would help some people.

Nobody appreciates a wasted wish.

Imagine you're the make-a-wish kid's dad, $50,000 in debt, swimming in medical bills, and your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time.

You're in the room crying.

That's so cute.

Close the door, walk out.

That sick sack of shit

could have cleared my fucking debt.

I would have brought him to the fucking theater one more time.

I'm very Italian.

There's more to that joke.

Do you want me to finish it?

So, yes, my father did beat my mother within an inch of her life.

All right, all right.

So, you went over the time there.

Big Vinny.

Fuck yeah.

What's happening?

You're really Italian?

Yep, and I love you guys, all of you.

Fucking Tucker Parks is my fucking shit.

He's the fucking man.

Okay, all right.

You're the fucking goat.

Okay, relax.

And you're a fucking pig.

All right.

Welcome, welcome, Big Binny.

He's a guinea pig.

He is.

Mark Normand.

I love it.

What the fuck are you wearing?

What is that?

It's a, you know, a parachute, you know, so I can save myself if I fall from a high building if I want to kill myself after this, you know?

Okay.

We'll see how it goes.

It's been going well.

I love you guys.

I don't think you need to jump off that high of a building to kill yourself, by the way.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

I think you could jump off the trunk of a car and fucking explode like a blueberry.

You are a big boy.

How much do you weigh, Big Benny?

I haven't been weighed in a while.

I'm excited.

Well, we got a scale for that, everybody.

We got a scale for that.

Let's get.

Let me do a guess.

Take this.

All right, let's guess.

Don't say it.

Don't say it.

All right.

Don't

say it.

Okay, let's start with Mark Norman.

Guess first.

I'm going to go with the

418.

418, that's a good guess.

Ari Shafir.

I'm gonna say 375, same as Red Band.

375, I love the music coming from the horn players.

Wait a second, Big Binny.

325.

325?

What are you talking about?

How tall are you?

6'3.

6'3, not a 5.

335.

335.

A very going price is right style over there.

335.

One.

One.

Wait, Big Binny, don't don't stand on it yet.

I have never seen an obese guy this excited to step on a scale.

When he stood on it for a second, the scale said, Help me.

Normal.

Red band.

I'm guessing 420.

Ooh, 420 is a good guess.

Okay.

I'm going to take the over in this.

I'm going to go 421.

You fan.

Fuck our advanced back.

345.

And now.

No, three.

Yeah.

I think you have a good chance of 342.

342.

I triggered my money.

You're at 335.

I'm done.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is that moment.

Big Vinny steps on the scale.

Let's see what happens.

Mark, what do we got over there?

No.

You got...

Wait a minute.

Try again.

It's malfunctioning.

Hold on.

It says the time.

It's on central.

I think that's when you die.

Hold on.

Where's the producers here?

What is it?

Play with that.

Hold on.

Here's Heidi.

Oh.

Wait, we got to put it on pounds.

KG.

He was on kilograms.

Somehow they knew.

All right.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

One of the most morbidly obese people we've ever had on this show.

Stepping on a scale.

We're way off.

365.

Whoa, 365.

That would mean that technically Shane Gillis wins with a 335.

Ari overbid.

Ari's closest, but this is the price is right rules.

And the weight is great, one could say.

You're incredibly not as fat as you look.

Maybe you should stop wearing family tents.

Yeah, you look like you're fumigating yourself.

What do you do for a living, Big Vinny?

Nothing right now.

I need a job.

I could be a door guy anywhere.

I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs.

Like what?

What do you mean?

What are you really doing?

How could you be a door guy if you get winded showing someone to their seat?

I'm very athletic.

I'll beat you in a race, Ari.

Wait a second.

Wait a minute.

Wait a second.

Garen fucking teeth.

What?

Fucking.

I'll fucking dust you.

Yes.

Yes.

Let's do it.

Oh, bro.

Be careful, Ari.

This guy clearly stormed the Capitol.

So he can get those stairs in.

Someone I went to school with did, but not me.

Okay.

Capital Grill.

Did you play football somewhere?

Yes.

Where?

Brockport High School.

Okay.

Rockport High School.

And how do you stay in shape?

How could you beat Ari in a race?

I always choose the highest apartments, so I have to walk up the stairs a forced workout almost every day.

And I go to the gym every once in a while, and I run with my husky, and I think I can catch him.

You run?

Yeah.

At the park with my dog.

Wow.

That's the only thing that forces me to run.

You have a husky?

Yep.

So does he.

Oh shit.

Incredible.

Incredible.

So you don't have a job?

Did you live in Austin?

Yes, I've been living here the past two and a half months.

So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job?

So I worked at an auction house before I moved here.

You're eating homeless people.

Come here.

Yeah, you step into their bedrooms really easily when you're walking down the street.

It's like, wonder, another bedroom.

Jesus.

Oh my goodness.

So what did you do at the auction house?

Were you an auctioneer?

So at first I started in the shipping department, but I had experience, but those bastards put me at the lowest rung.

And then I became a lister and fucking, you list all the like the sports cards and autographed items, Takashi 6ix9ine baseball, shit like that.

Okay.

All right.

What's your love life like?

Are you out there crushing mattresses?

I can work a bitch's clit really good, like a smudge on a window.

Really?

Yeah, you really are Italian.

I have not gotten anything out here yet, though.

I've been talking to ladies.

I could have secured some shit, but nothing yet.

Have you kissed a girl in Austin?

No.

Really?

Yeah.

Two and a half months, no kiss?

Nope.

What are you doing?

I was close with a black chick, but...

Whoa.

And then what?

You called her the N-word and ran away?

Is there a girl out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss?

You know, we have some of the best fans out there.

It has to be a volunteer.

It's a segment on the show we've been doing for years.

Is there a woman out there that wants to give this big

and she's literally saying no, lady?

We got fucking Jelaine Maxwell over here throwing her girlfriend under the bus.

She'll do it.

She doesn't even want to kiss this fucking guy.

Is there a guy who will kiss him?

This will be a first if there's not a woman with the courage to kiss this man.

Is there really not a female that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss tonight?

I'm only 365 pounds.

Come on!

Really?

Is there the spider from Charlotte's web in the audience?

White girls don't like me, Tony.

It's mostly black chicks.

I'm telling you, and there's like no, there's no sisters in here.

Is there any sisters?

Is there any single sisters in here?

Come on.

Don't talk.

We're close.

All right.

One of them's going to break.

This is typical.

Typical auctioneer problems going once

I've made eyes with a couple girls that are clearly considering it.

You've got a chance.

Now you just gotta wait them out.

I got a bunch of girls looking down like they want to be called on at high school.

They're just like, all right, never mind.

I was wrong.

Man, this is worse than when they think we're gonna play better.

Oh my god.

Wait, there's the woman that's gonna do it.

Oh my god.

Finally.

Shy.

This is incredible.

While we wait for her to come around, she's a sprinter too.

Oh yeah, look at this.

Oh yeah.

Let's see some tongue.

Oh my goodness.

It's worth the wait.

And by the weight, I mean she's the same weight as he is.

It's time to get another one on the scale, everybody.

Here for his first Austin kiss, everyone.

This is Big Benio.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

What a hero.

What's your name, lady?

My name is Miss Shelby.

Miss

Shelby.

Hell yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

Absolutely incredible.

Miss Shelby, how did that kiss feel?

You didn't really kiss me.

That's what fucking sucks.

Yeah, yeah.

Big Vinny says it there, Vinny.

Big Vinny says he.

Vinny, what's wrong with you?

Vinny, kiss her.

What are you doing?

Why are you being a coward?

Big Vinny, you said you could find the clip.

Good fucking luck with that song.

Yeah, yeah, I'm not.

Wait,

Miss Shelby, where are you going?

Come on.

Can we get you guys both on the scale?

The scales of justice.

Did I kiss a teacher?

Are you a teacher?

What the fuck?

I'm a violinist and a teacher.

A violinist?

Oh, my goodness.

Say chillo.

What happened?

There was no kiss?

I did it for the show.

I did it for the show.

I'm not into you.

Oh, big Vinny.

Oh, come on.

Vinny, you nasty fucks.

Did you think one of these girls was going to be into you?

I'm going to sexual beautiful chicks.

You're going to do it for fun.

She's beautiful, too, bro.

Come on.

Because you're asking why I didn't stick my tongue down your throat.

What the fuck?

I'm not going to.

Come on, give him a hand job real quick.

Let's make him come.

Let's make this pussy come.

All right.

I have standing.

How about a hand from Miss Shelby, everybody?

Miss Shelby, you're a superhero.

Thank you.

Hell yeah.

You wanted me to be mean.

Big Finny.

I wanted you to be mean, dude.

Big Finny.

How

dare you?

I kissed her, and then you're asking why I didn't go harder.

Oh God, damn.

I can get late, bro.

I've been late.

Don't need that.

Vinny, it's been months.

Yeah.

Vinny.

I turn it down.

Like, I'm not even fucking around.

Oh, Vincent, Vinster.

Don't lie to me, Vincer.

I'm not going to take the lowest, wrongest shit.

Why are we talking about this woman like this?

Yeah.

She was nice enough to come up here.

She was nice.

She saved you from an

everyone was.

It was sad when no one would kiss you.

Literally, nobody wanted to kiss you.

This woman came out of nowhere to save save you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

God damn, Ben.

You gotta go fuck her.

Where'd she go?

Give Miss Shelby one of these.

Where'd she go?

She gets a big joke book.

You get a little joke book.

How about that?

Oh, and he didn't catch it.

There he goes.

Big Vinny, everybody.

Beat it, Vinny.

Get the fuck out of here.

Nasty motherfucker.

Get him out of here.

Get him out of here.

Shall be, shall be, shall be, shall be.

Shelby, shall be.

Oh, thank you.

All right,

we're having fun in here tonight.

Your next bucket pull, straight out of obscurity, goes by the name of Matt Bellic, everybody.

Make some noise for Matt Bellic.

All right.

I live in Austin now.

I'm kind of newer here.

Austin's a wild city.

It is very weird.

I went to a house party a couple weeks ago here, saw something I've never seen in my life.

I walk in there, back of the house, I saw two guys in the back doing competitive rock, paper, scissors.

Just

throwing down.

I thought it was a Texas thing.

I thought they were playing for money.

I went to check it out.

Turns out just two deaf guys on cocaine talking to each other really fast.

They're just like.

we partied all night.

They called it a silent disco.

That's what we did.

We fucking got down.

I got fat.

Diddy's in trouble.

You seen this?

You heard about this?

Diddy?

This guy's...

No, but one of the things he did, I didn't think was a big deal.

He would hire these escorts to come to the house, and their job was to entice his guests to have sex with them, and then he would film them having sex without their knowledge.

And apparently you can't do that.

So, uh,

but when I read that, I was like, Who is like, because he would try to like use that as blackmail on people, and I read it, I was like, Who's who's that blackmail for?

You know, like, if I got a phone call one day and someone's like, We have a video of you and Dr.

Dre double-teaming a hooker at Diddy's house,

I'd be like, Can you tag me in that?

Like, I fucking, you have the video, none of my friends believe me.

Like, all right,

Matt, about like

I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't hear a word of your sat.

Uh, Mark Norman broke a glass cigar case, and a lot of it, the shrapnel, went into people's drinks, and I'm making sure that the drinks didn't get drunk.

It's literally on the can.

Yeah.

Drink it.

Zoom.

Drink it.

Drink it.

Eat the glass.

I'll buy you one.

I'll buy you another drink.

Whatever that was.

Sorry, I got it.

No, I got it.

Yeah, I'm protecting us.

On a very Jew-heavy episode, I'm protecting us from losing it all here.

I'm literally...

Eat the glass.

I have to tell our fan base, don't drink the glass.

I'll represent you.

I'll buy you another round.

Don't you notice that?

We're going to take this fucking thing for all it's worth.

Eat the fucking glass.

How much of that Holocaust?

Just stop.

Please stop picking it up.

Don't even touch the glass anymore.

Wow, I'm also cut.

Oh, oh, no.

Fuck.

Unbelievable.

So, Matt, how's it going, buddy?

Going good.

Yeah, going good.

I love it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

11 years.

Okay.

Whoa!

Big thing.

You had a good reaction.

Big dude.

What do you do for work?

Side gig, I sell t-shirts at concerts.

Okay.

You sell t-shirts at concerts.

Merch, yes.

This guy knows the technical terms.

Absolutely.

How's that been going for you?

How old are you, Matt?

I'm 35.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

You look horrible.

Thank you.

All right.

Yeah.

It's just your teeth.

It's the teeth?

I got bad teeth.

And the wrinkles.

The wrinkles.

Fuck.

And it looks like you change oil with your hair.

Oh, Jesus.

Incredible.

You have pro-wrestling, like wet, greasy hair.

Where are you from?

Chicago originally.

Lived here for a couple of years.

Yeah, Chi-Town the House.

I thought it was going to be somewhere greasy.

Chicago's pretty greasy, dude.

It's not Philadelphia or anything, but it's old.

Whoa!

Whoa!

It's fine.

It's fine.

I was being nice to you.

Yeah,

you say something nasty like that.

I'm a big Bears fan, hate the Packers.

I'm very happy your Eagles took care of that last one.

Okay, we're not talking about it.

This thing fucking nice.

No, let's talk bald.

Tony, shut the fuck up.

We're talking bald.

Barstool.

Welcome to Barstool's Kill Tony.

This guy's going to

be pretty good.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, bro.

Actually, when's this come out?

Monday?

Yeah.

So this will will come out when Notre Dame's playing.

Damn, think about it right now.

Notre Dame's lifting a national title.

There's a zero percent chance of that.

So sick, dude.

Can't believe we did it, dude.

He's back.

There he is.

There's the new Notre Dame mascot after Monday's game.

It's D-Madness, everybody.

Holy shit.

Is he all right?

He takes

he puts the two eyes at the iris.

GG, you gotta talk to whoever's dressing you.

You gotta have a chat

because they're not telling you what that looks like.

That's nuts.

That's crazy.

Who's dressing him up like this?

He's dressed like in living color.

He is.

He is.

You look like Kamala Harris trying to prove she's not Indian.

I thought you were Nancy Pelosi kneeling.

Oh,

my God.

This guy looks like shit for 35, right?

Hey, come on, man.

All right.

Yeah, Matt, take it easy, dude.

Come on, dude.

Take it easy.

He's fucked up.

Yeah,

that's just bullying.

Yeah.

Matt, what's something crazy about your life?

We'd be surprised to know about you.

Getting married in March.

Oh.

Hey, what's his name?

That's all right, man.

Come on, man.

That's what I do.

One of the best comedians in the world.

Got your ass, dude.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Getting married in March, huh?

What does she do for work?

She bartends here, Elena.

Yeah, down here at the she gets all you guys drunk.

That's right.

Okay.

And so,

all right.

What are your goals, Matt?

Get married in March.

Wow.

Okay.

Just trying to lock that down and then, you know, try to get less greasy, I guess, dude.

What are you afraid of before I let you go?

What scares you?

Honest fear.

You don't have to make something.

Yeah, no, honest fear.

I mean, it's a cliche.

I hate spiders.

I know it's gay.

I don't like them.

Yeah.

It's not gay.

Big spider guy?

I like a spider.

You like a spider?

Sure.

Spiders are scary, bro.

They are freaks.

See?

Yeah.

Greece, spiders, Puerto Rico.

Don't like Puerto Rico.

Okay.

There he goes.

You have a little joke book yet?

No, no, I do not.

You don't?

I'll take one.

There he goes.

Matt Bellic, everybody.

There we go.

Cheers, guys.

Thank you.

If they would have heard your set, they would have liked it.

It was funny.

It was?

Was it really?

Matt, Matt, here you go.

You have a big joke book yet?

Yeah, yeah, it was good.

You already have one from another appearance?

There he goes.

Matt Bellic.

Bundle and safe with Expedia.

You were made to follow your favorite band, and from the front row, we were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

Yo, this is important, man.

Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called Pacebreakers.

The ones with all the pockets.

I just got back from vacation, and I left them in my hotel room.

And dude, I need to replace these shorts.

I wear them like three times a week.

Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Oh, also, my birthday is coming up soon.

So, anyways, thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

Looking for your newest go-to's?

Lululemon What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays every Tuesday?

Head to Lululemon.com to shop what's new gear.

All right, is Juan ready?

Is Juan back there?

All right, yo, we have it.

We have a Juan.

Hey!

This guy was on an episode a couple weeks ago.

I said that I wanted to see him again.

A very funny first appearance.

This is his second time on the show.

So good last time that I gave him this appearance.

Let's see what happens in the second ever minute from Juan Denmark, everybody.

The return of Juan Denmark.

Yeah, yeah.

Holy shit.

You know how to get black people and Nazis together?

The Trump fist.

All right?

I love that fucking fist.

He appropriated the Nazi salute and the black power fist all in one arm motion.

It was crazy, y'all.

The only thing blacker than Donald Trump's fist are the list of all the people Kamala Harris locked up.

I'm going to be honest, y'all.

I think Kamala Harris is just Hillary Clinton and Blackface.

I also think that Mexicans should have been the first slaves.

You know what I mean?

Like if it wasn't for sports, music, and the prison system, slavery would have been a terrible business decision.

If Mexicans were the first slaves, there'd be skyscrapers in Nebraska, y'all.

There'd be taco trucks on every fucking corner in America.

And what if Asians were their first slaves, right?

You'd be able to fit like five times as many motherfuckers under that boat.

They got the perfect fingertips for cotton picking.

And what's better after a long day of your Asian slave picking cotton?

A nice rub and tug.

My name's Juan Denmark.

The return of Juan Denmark.

You know what I love about you?

Is you can be as racist as you want to be.

I know, I love it, Tony.

I fucking love it.

Unbelievable.

I fucking love it.

This is black power privilege.

It really is.

It's black privilege.

Black power privilege.

Okay, I don't really acknowledge the power.

Fuck yeah.

It's limited power.

It's like solar energy, if you will.

That's true.

We are powered by the sun, Tony.

That's why I'm in Texas right now.

Absolutely.

Shane asked me a great question while you were on stage.

If you want to turn sideways so that the sun...

Nope, put the jacket back out like

that.

Just face the other way.

Yeah, it looked like you weren't wearing pants.

Oh, dude,

next time, if I ever get it next time, I'll come here naked, guys.

Don't do that.

Do it.

I give you permission.

You have to carry on the banner.

Dude, are you from the future?

You look like like Book of Eli.

Slippers on, big jacket.

You're like the Matrix James.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

We're a podcast.

This show has really become a lot of TV on the radio.

What?

What does that mean?

That's a lead singer of TV on the radio.

All right.

Hell yeah.

What's up, Tony?

So you're wearing like Daisy Dukes and a full-on jacket, a giant jacket with a big hood.

I like to keep people confused at all times, Tony.

Absolutely.

You don't know what you're going to get.

You're going to get a school shooter.

You're going gonna get a homosexual what are you gonna get yeah what are you gonna get Tony how you gotta shoot up a gay club

whoa

too soon got a little bit of everything you just seem like a cold gay guy

honestly hey listen I'm not gay I'm queer all right there's a difference what is that what okay I'll explain it to you mr.

Mark please okay listen I will a man but only if he has a vagina.

Does that make sense?

No, explain.

Like you can have a face full of beard, but you better have a torso full of vagina, goddammit.

All right, fuck him.

It is incredible.

What's the gayest thing you've ever done?

Come to kill Tony and see you.

Okay, what's the second gayest thing you've ever done?

Tony's like fair.

What's with the.

Oh, I've watched two men have sex.

Oh,

in real life.

In real life.

Yeah, I was 15 years old.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's get going, all right?

P.

Diddy party.

Whoa.

Close.

I was walking downstairs to my basement, and I looked through the window of my basement, and my uncle was having sex with his partner, dude.

You have a window in your basement?

Back in the day, yeah, when I lived in Virginia, we had a house with a basement, and my uncle lived there with his boyfriend named Juan.

Whoa, whoa, yeah, he had a boyfriend with my fucking name, dude.

Wow.

Yeah, dude.

And now I'm wearing these fucking shorts on Kill Tony.

Fuck, dude.

Damn.

Fuck.

You found those on the floor at your uncle.

Yeah, word.

He couldn't put them back on after all that butt sex.

I've never met many black wands before.

I'm Cuban.

I'm Afro-Cuban.

Afro-Cuban.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

What is the most Cuban thing about you, if you had to guess?

I move my hips when I fuck.

Whoa.

Really?

I do.

It's crazy.

Can we see that?

You got to pay for that, Mark.

We got some Cuban music for you here

well we really can't see the hip movement with that giant jacket on all right you guys are awesome i love these niggas man

uh

juan remind us what do you do for work uh i go to school full-time to be a clinical psychologist that's right yeah absolutely yep absolutely did you get a what are you guys clapping for

mental health clapping for yeah what are you clapping for

It's a landmine.

Somebody's going to be like, oh, I have a nice black.

My doctor's black.

Yeah.

And then you're going to get in there.

This guy is going to be crazy.

Don't do the word.

How old are you there, Obi-Wan?

He said, what?

I'm sorry.

How old are you?

31, 31.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

It's the face of a black guy from the 70s.

Somehow.

It is true.

Shut your mouth.

She.

Jav, Turkish.

Jav, man.

You look like a Tuskegee Airman.

Oh, fuck.

Minus the syphilis, guys.

Minus the syphilis.

That's one of my jokes.

You do have an old soul.

You have an old soul, is the dudes say.

Indeed.

Juan, what are some hobbies of yours?

I love to ride my bike.

I love meditating.

It is my bike.

I think it was my bike.

Hey, you snooze, you lose, dog.

Yeah, I love to meditate.

I love to meditate.

I love to watch YouTube.

I'm just a boring person, honestly.

I just keep it cool, man.

What do you watch on YouTube?

Podcasts.

Yeah.

Mind fucking Jordan Peterson type shit.

I just like smart motherfuckers, man.

I love it.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Wow.

You are like a white guy trapped in the blackest body.

TV and the radio.

I love it.

Fuck you.

So, what are you most looking forward to helping people with psychology?

Like, what's...

I mean, I'm doing this shit for free now.

I didn't really pick this profession.

This shit kind of picked me.

So I was like, fuck.

All right.

Let's get paid for it now.

Fuck.

Yeah, so.

We never picked you.

Nah, it's the best.

You look cool.

You look like a leader of a cult 45.

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

This is the start.

This is the start right here.

This is where I gain my following and then we go off into the woods in Utah somewhere.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I'm with you.

This guy is cool.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

What's that button on your dick?

That's a great question.

It says real friend.

This is my friend's merch.

He told me to wear it, so fuck.

I was like, I'll put it on my dick.

You know what I mean?

That's the best way of supporting your homies.

I know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah.

We all know what you meant.

If you really love them, put them on your dick.

Okay.

All right, Juan, Denmark.

Interesting.

Your first name is Juan, and your last name is Denmark.

Yeah, Denmark is from Denmark Veses.

He's a slave revolter.

Right before he executed.

What does that mean exactly?

He was trying to get him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Red band.

Give me that.

Red band with a home run sound effect.

Yeah, yeah.

Here it is.

Ready for it?

Red band.

Red band with a big funny.

Big punny for red band.

You just bought yourself another month, Red Band.

Staying alive, dog.

What's up?

All right, you're the one who's going to be.

Okay, there's two weeks.

Two weeks off.

You can natal success.

One good joke.

What's up?

Unbelievable reference.

What do you got?

Another Charlotte's web joke up your sleeve for us?

That was funny.

I cannot wait to henna see what happens next with you, Juan Denmark.

Congratulations.

You already have a big joke, but we'll see you again soon on the show.

There he goes.

Juan Denmark, everybody.

All right, back to the bucket we go.

And your next comedian goes by the name of

it will be the comedy stylings of Jake Coulter, everybody.

Jake Coulter is next.

Comes Jake Coulter.

So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth

about the girl with teeth in her Gucci?

Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with the girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of like checking for monsters under the bed.

But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole.

Yeah, so now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first.

So that way I can see what color her butthole is and know if looking at her black cat is gonna give me bad luck

All right Jake Coulter out there eating pussy checking out buttholes

Who did you talk to for research about those jokes about eating pussy?

My dad

Jake, you've been on this show before remind us how long you've been doing stand-up I just reached a year in september you reached a year in september

and you have a little bit of what is it what is your impediment exactly remind us you have somewhat of a think i was on this episode and you said nothing right yeah yeah no there's nothing wrong with you yeah it's come on you were molested

probably you're right you got molested face

yeah you stayed young looking yeah

you're trapped forever young

Forever young.

Forever young.

Tell us about the molestation.

Well, it all started when I was seven.

Did something really happen to you?

No.

Did something traumatizing happen to you when you were younger, though?

I mean, I dropped a bowling ball on my head.

Oh my goodness.

There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

There it goes.

You dropped it on your own head?

Well, okay.

See what?

Trying to hold it above your head?

Well, no.

See, what happened was me and my friends were like doing stupid shit at the bowling alley, being the annoying kids, throwing it halfway down the...

You're so gay.

You're clearly gay.

I love that you're gay.

He's not gay.

He's not.

No, he's nothing else.

He's nothing, dude.

He would never.

There might be.

I swear to God, he's nothing.

There might be a dude's ass out there with teeth in it.

You and your uncle were bowling.

What happened?

Oh, shit.

How old were you when you were bowling this time?

Probably about 13.

Okay, so you're 13, you're out there being a bowler.

Yeah, until I decided I was going to throw it over my head and

I talk with my hand, yes.

You don't just talk with your hands.

You talk with an upside down, like, fucking...

John Dees has pointed out that your neck is also gay.

You do gay things with your neck.

There is a little bobblehead fucking

a bowling ball, and there's teeth in a pethyde.

Just claim autism.

You think that's crazy?

Claim autism, avoid all this gay fucking bullshit.

Yeah, I'm retarded.

I'm not gay.

You have to be one.

You gotta be.

You gotta have something, man.

Come on.

Yeah, you're totally not gay.

Now tell us more about dropping balls on your head.

When your uncle used you as the bowling ball?

Ah, the old three-finger special.

Oh, no.

I just I tried to throw it over my head and went too far up and not enough back

and

okay, did you immediately get knocked out?

No, it didn't hurt at all.

Did you start talking like that immediately?

Probably.

Yeah, how were you talking before this incident?

I don't remember.

That's right.

That's right.

Damn, you got knocked into gay.

Y'all keep saying I'm gay.

I mean,

uh oh wonder what wonder what's about to happen now.

Y'all keep saying I'm gay by Tony already.

These two divas going back and forth.

Yeah.

You two queens.

He's gonna scratch you.

Don't say I'm gay.

Attack me at your own wrist.

Yes.

What do you do for work?

I'm unemployed now.

Well, how did you lose your job?

They didn't tell tell me they just told me that texas is an at-will state

is an at-will state

and they didn't need my services no more what was the job before uh domino or dominoes dollar general

what dollar general dollar general wow

oh my goodness yeah you're right you got fired from dollar general

yes

what's this what's the state have to do with what's an at-will state at-will At-will state means they don't have to give a reason for firing you.

Now you could tell them, you could say, I'm a gay retardant.

Oh, yeah, you should.

Oh, yes.

Good luck firing me now.

Yeah.

You let your pride get in the way of a juicy lawsuit.

Yep.

You're right.

You're right.

Yeah.

I might be gay.

If I can sue him, I'll say I'm gay.

Healthy.

Don't believe it.

I bet.

I bet.

Gays of the military.

Your lawyer's going to go, Your Honor.

Come on.

You're like, don't ask, no need to tell.

Sorry.

Yeah, sorry, Mr.

Bad.

Sorry.

I mean, I've been called gay my whole life.

That ain't nothing new.

Oh, okay, great.

Yeah, I know.

I just think it's crazy how his name's Tony, and his favorite place to be is on his toe knees.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

Got his ass.

Wow.

I thought he got a bad thing.

I don't think I'll ever survive.

So

how do you live without having a job?

How long ago were you fired from Dollar General?

You were fired today?

Today.

Today.

Today.

You went to work today and they told you your services are no longer needed.

No, corporate called me and told me my services were no longer needed.

How long have you been working at Dollar General?

Since June?

Okay.

That's pretty long.

Today.

There you go.

Whoa.

Oh, my goodness.

Was that at a 10, Ari?

Was that a $10 bill?

It was a 20, but I thought it was a 1 until it was in his hands.

But I felt wrong about moving it away.

Now you've donated to a gay charity.

That's right.

Yeah, I just found out I'm gay, so if there's more money, I'll be gay.

That's how it starts.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

Jake, what size joke book did you get last time you were on?

I got a big one.

Okay.

I bet you got a big one.

Yeah.

There he goes.

Jake, your jokes cold.

Your jokes were really good, though.

You did good.

That was funny.

I thought you did good.

Where's the big joke?

What's your funny?

The sad

sweet kid.

Sweet kid.

It's kind of a sad turn.

All right, let's do another special treat, ladies and gentlemen.

One of the most prolific regulars in this show's history.

I present to you a brand new minute from one of the hardest-working men in all of the Austin, Texas comedy scene.

This is the return of Cam Patterson, everybody.

I didn't even know Daughter General had like corporate nigga.

I just imagine a guy like me, like, fuck, nigga, you're fired.

It's over, boss.

Get the fuck out of here, dog.

It's over.

Damn.

I was in LA.

I was around the fires.

I was there.

I blame the gays.

That's who I blame for.

It's funny because I was riding around and I seen like all the houses on fire and shit.

And you know what was crazy?

You know, it was still standing.

No, it was still standing.

All the ash and the rubble and all the fire, what was still standing was brick chimneys.

Why not make the houses out of that next time?

That made

the most sense ever, you fucking dumbass niggas.

Hey,

why would you make the house out of matchsticks, you fucking dumbass?

That's crazy, dog.

Also, it was funny.

I was riding around and I saw a lot of people evacuating the houses and shit like that.

And you know what I didn't see?

A lot of dogs.

No dogs.

Yeah, you are, dumb white bitch.

you know who happy asian niggas they are happy as fuck all right i'm done that's good get me out of here

perfect

why don't they make the plane out of the black box

i don't know you ever think about that

i don't know he's too young he would never have heard that no i know i don't think he's so

i know it's just funny he's like yeah good question that is a good question yeah

I

love it, Cam.

Right out of the dollar.

General thing.

Funny, funny.

Blame the gays.

Black chimney, brick chimneys, and ended with Asian N-words.

Yep.

I was rushing this one.

Beautiful.

An absolute masterpiece.

How's life going?

You were just in L.A.?

Yeah.

Tell us more about it.

Shit, and then run around, run around for five to shit.

Helps people out.

That was cool.

My homeboy's out there, you know, so who dropped the water off, shit like that.

You helping looting?

Huh?

Oh, sorry.

Nah, but it wasn't Chase that was on fire, and I was excited about that.

I was like, ooh,

if I ain't had no money, nigga, I'll go get that.

You know what I'm saying?

I think your hair got it.

It seemed like a good idea.

You still mad at Bart Simpson?

What the fuck that even me, man?

Sideshow, Bob.

Character on the, you got to get a TV.

No, I've seen it.

I've seen the show.

Okay.

I've seen the show.

I've heard it before.

I got to loot a TV.

Exactly.

You really help people out there?

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Hell yeah.

You can tell you're still covered in ash.

So Zari's dead.

I love it.

I love it, Cam.

What else is going on?

Hey, shit, you run around on the road, shit like that.

Yep, you're crushing it.

Life is good.

Anything else from the panel here for Cam Patterson?

He's did it again.

Nah, Cam's a man.

Super consistent.

What were you doing, how were you helping people?

What were you bringing?

Well, we got a bunch of water and shit.

You just bought a bunch of water.

Yeah, and then like, well, nigga, they need what?

It was on fire.

Dickhead.

They didn't need water?

Bought a bunch of water.

Now we got a bunch of water.

And then like, it was people like helping out.

So we bought them like plates and they can put food on and shit like that.

You know what I'm saying?

Hell yeah.

Still running around.

How bad is it?

Is it rough?

Fucking shit.

It is pretty bad.

It's pretty bad, obviously.

It's pretty bad.

Fucking literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.

We need Cam.

Somebody's got to put these fires out.

I'm here to help.

Cam.

I love it.

Cam, you fucking did it again.

You are the man.

Absolutely unbelievable.

A new minute from Cam Patterson.

Watch it happen right in front of your eyes.

One of the best work ethics.

We were talking about it earlier.

Him and Ari Maddie.

Every night doing five, six, seven spots in this city.

Your next bucket pull is from the inside, everyone.

It could be one of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first inside-the-room bucket pull tonight goes by the name of Joe Bean, everyone.

Joe Bean.

Where are you at, Joe?

Is he here?

Oh my goodness, here he comes.

Joe Bean.

Hell yeah, here he comes.

You guys still having fun out there, huh?

Yeah!

Shame,

no tickly, shame.

Oh, he looks tickly.

Come on, make some noise for the inside zone, Joe Bean.

What's up, Comedy Mothership?

My name is Joe B, and I got a question for y'all.

And have y'all ever grown up skinny in a fat-ass Mexican family?

Hell no, a bunch of white folks here tonight.

Oh, there's a Mexican right fat.

Never mind.

Let me tell y'all what it's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family.

Man, we get shit on.

My grandma used to call me skin and bones when I was a kid.

I'm like, come on, grandma, you're skinny as fuck, too.

The fuck?

My grandma's dead now.

I'm like, who's the skin and bones now, grandma?

No, but I imagine growing up skinny in a Mexican family is a lot like growing up light skin in a black family.

They get shit on too.

They definitely get shit on too, right?

But I have a theory.

I think it's mainly because I think they're jealous.

Like my family, I think it's just that they're jealous, right?

Because physically, scientifically, they can't get any lighter, right?

They're just mad.

They're fucking mad.

The same as my fat ass cousins, right?

There's nothing they can do to get any lighter.

These motherfuckers eat Ozempic for dinner and lose a single fucking pound.

All right, man, that's Joe Bean, that guy.

Joe Bean, shockingly good for an inside-the-room bucket pull.

Great, great, great setups.

A lot of good setups.

Yeah, setup after setup.

Great premises.

Yeah.

Stop with the setups.

The jokes, we'll find them.

It did.

You gotta laugh off of just laughing about it being like light-skinned people in a black family.

The point to the because I was in direct eye line of you pointing at the Mexican guy and you called him fat.

He literally was like.

The fuck, dude.

I'm the only one trying to help you.

He's fat, though.

You are thick.

You could slip right through a border wall.

It is incredible.

How long have you been doing stand-ups?

About a year and and a half.

Okay.

And how long have you been a championship horse rider?

All my life, Tony.

Is that really?

Do you do that?

You say

that is your calling.

Do you know that?

You do have a full jockey head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jockey body, jockey head.

That's all you do.

I say 5'6 on my

255.

Come on.

5'5.

You're a hood ornament.

Wait.

Hold on a second.

Get the tape measure.

Did you just say you say that you're 5'6 ⁇ , but you're really 5'5 ⁇ ?

I got a cousin fights in the UFC.

I'm taller than him.

Yes, there are weight divisions in the UFC.

Oh, get off your toes, Joe.

Joe Bean.

I'm on the toes.

How much do you weigh?

How much do I weigh?

About 120.

Wow.

Yeah.

How much do you weigh?

Ask me how old I am.

I'm about 150-something now.

Wow.

How old are you?

Not bad.

41.

Wow.

Look at that.

41 years old.

I got a 22-year-old.

He's sitting right there.

Your son is

22.

22 years old, yeah.

Oh, god damn it, Yoni.

Come on, Yoni.

You're not supposed to listen to him.

No, this is.

Shoes on or off?

Shoes off?

Shoes off?

Shoes off, Joe.

What kind of shoes are you wearing over there?

No Zapodos.

He's got some wigs on the shop.

Oh, shit.

No, Joe, stand up.

Take those Zapodos off.

And take off that hat.

Go to the top of his head, Yoni.

Get that hat.

Take that as a pharaoh.

Take off the hat.

We don't know what's in there oh there it is yoni getting a good measurement here what do we got my guess is five four

five three

five four and a quarter quarter and bad news ari just picked up that quarter that quality

I'm still gonna put five five on Tinder now.

Yeah, you're fine.

Fuck that.

You're five five.

What nationality are you?

You haven't mentioned it.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

His last name is fucking

Bean.

Come on.

Is Bean short for something?

Beaner.

There you go.

Yeah, 100%.

That was my nickname for years.

And then I started getting white friends.

And they were like, I can't do that.

I can't call you Beaner.

Wait, you had Mexicans calling you Beaner?

Yeah.

Oh, we're the most racist people ever.

I know, but you know.

But it's cool, right?

We love the Mexicans.

You said

you guys will be leaving soon.

But, you know.

Hey, I don't make the rules.

I got two weeks.

I got two weeks.

You have a 22-year-old son?

I have a 22-year-old.

How old are you?

I'm 41.

41 and 19.

Incredible.

See, you did what young people do.

That's right.

You just made a baby as fast as you can.

But I raised him on my own.

So I did the opposite, right?

I was actually a father all his life, right?

It's incredible that he had someone to look down to his whole life.

Son of a bitch.

You little shit.

You son of a bitch.

But

you're Mr.

Bean?

I'm Mr.

Bean.

Oh, my God.

I actually was going to sign up as the Bean.

The Bean?

The Bean that Tony doesn't know

about, but they didn't let me.

They said, you got to sign up as what you go up as a cook.

Bean Bean's great.

Mr.

Bean's nice.

Yeah, Mr.

Bean's funny.

Mr.

Bean's hilarious.

Yeah, I talk a lot more than that motherfucker.

I tell you what.

Unfortunately.

So what do you do for work being such a shit?

I'm an IT operations manager.

A what?

IT operations manager.

Okay, that makes sense.

Do you actually crawl in the computers?

Do they send you in the desktops?

Do you eat the computers, you motherfuckers?

No, mine was funny, bitch.

I know.

Oh, my goodness.

You'll never get my tests.

I like those cookies.

Yeah,

I produce podcasts as well.

You know, I produce two podcasts

on the side.

You should have red bit on your secret.

And then I have two young young kids.

Wow.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Wow, two beans on a pod.

So, what does your son do for work?

We know that a 22-year-old, that means that he's been working for at least 13 years.

So, what is that?

Bro, I have my first job at 10 years old.

My son, he works on cabinets for work.

Oh, yeah, construction.

Okay.

Does he live in one?

Did he sign up to build mine?

He doesn't do stand-up, right?

No, he doesn't do stand-up.

How tall is he?

He's my height.

Probably exactly.

I'll bet you he's a little bit taller.

Does anyone want to bet?

He's trying to yell out and say, I'm taller.

Come on up here, little bean.

Yeah!

It's a family, a family.

Thank you, bro.

Oh, fuck yeah, man.

Oh, look at bro.

We've been to fucking both, both HEB arena shows with him, man.

He's got the fucking, he's got the tickets to both of those shows, bro.

But this right here is so much different.

It's so much fucking better.

It's so much like intimate.

That's right.

Horn players, you know, when it's getting a little too Mexican, they start playing the fucking Mexican.

I just want to thank you, Donnie.

This is like a big deal.

There you go.

There he is.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh,

dude, I guess you guys are about the same height.

Look at this.

All these beans, we need some rice.

That's rice.

So wait,

make it official?

Yoni?

You're going to make it official?

Hey, little beaner, let me ask you a question.

Look this way.

Your mom is Jewish?

Oh, my God.

She is?

Is she really?

Yes!

Oh, my God.

That is incredible.

Ari Shafir, with just using his massive nose, is able to guess and smell who's rude with your nose up, bro.

He's amazing with money, too.

He's fucking amazing with money.

Let's measure noses.

Yeah, let's measure noses.

Oh,

I like that.

What are we going to do?

Water displacement?

If somebody put a dollar bill in the back and hide it, we'll smell where it is.

Wow.

The bean doesn't fall far from the tree here.

What's your name, little Bean?

Alex.

Alex Bean.

Alex Bean.

Oh, my God.

What was it like having a father like Joe?

Now's your chance to tell the world.

I mean, pretty much like you said, I get to look down to him.

You guys ever fight?

It'd be like a fucking 12-round flyweight.

You could be like a classic if you guys fought.

When you were in school and you were young and you were bad and he had to hit you, did you just laugh?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

So your mom's Mexican, or your mom's Jewish?

No, my mom's fully white, fully white.

Oh.

She just got the nose.

Just the nose.

Oh, I thought I was going to say that's a clean concentration camp.

But, you know.

But yeah.

Half white.

Half white.

Half white.

Is your Jewish?

Is your Jewish mom still around?

No, she's never been around.

She's white.

She's not Jewish.

This is so bad.

She's not Jewish.

So the Jewish mom abandoned you.

Yeah, two years old.

No, you guys are lying.

Was she actually a Jewish woman?

No.

No?

All right, I missed that part.

I'm sorry.

But she was white, so I'm like...

She was a honky.

Yeah, 100%.

And she left.

Yeah, she left.

What?

That's your day.

Wow.

She's about to tell you.

Yeah.

That's That's

so unusual.

Why do you think she left?

Were you a big crier?

No.

What the fuck, dude?

No, I think...

Why does he think she left?

You want.

Okay, let's hear both of your theories.

I think my dad is a little dick.

Well, it is genetic.

So

judging by me, I would say that's probably fair.

It's probably fair.

Okay.

No, we were asking about your mom, no.

Yes.

Yeah, no, I think she was raised kind of by helicopter parents.

When she became an adult,

she got into the party life and then went wild.

I was the opposite.

I started partying when I was like 12 years old and I was done by 18 years old.

When I found out I was having a kid, I was like, all right, I'm going to be a father now.

I think it stunted your growth.

Fuck yeah, 100%, bro.

And the Mexican didn't help either.

Right, right.

And then she kept partying.

Yes.

And is she to this day?

Oh, she's still partying.

Yes.

You're in communication with her?

No.

How do you know she's still partying to this day?

I don't know.

I hear things.

It's probably

sounds like it's not really a fun party.

It's one of those

heroin.

Right.

Yeah.

Scary parties.

Sounds like it's a scary party, yeah.

Yeah.

That's all right.

All right.

100%.

Sorry.

I'm feeling better already.

You seem pretty well adjusted with the mom gone, the little dad.

You're hanging over her.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate appreciate it.

Hey, it's all look.

All look.

You make good cabinets?

Always, always.

Is it your own company?

No, sir.

I do.

I serve as cabinetry.

Okay.

I'm as Mexican as it gets.

They have me crawling in them, putting them up, everything.

Absolutely.

That's your only job?

Do you ever work as an elf around Christmas time?

Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir.

It's my only job.

The old Mexican elf down at the South Pole.

I'm a big fan of the beans.

Absolutely.

And I am as well.

So much so so

that I am giving you both a big joke book from the Great Bones Eye.

There you go, one for you, one for you.

Sweet guys.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Wow, yes, please.

Hell yeah.

From bean light to bud light for Shane Gillis.

From brown claw to white cloth for Ari.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of David Lynum.

Everybody, David Lynum, what can possibly happen next?

A school teacher in Florida got arrested for sleeping with a student last week.

It's like a thing now, right?

The teacher of the year's parents were outraged.

They were like, how does something like this happen in our community?

And And I'm here to tell y'all, who do you think is voting for teacher of the year?

It's the students that are fucking the teacher.

It's a hell of a campaign to go.

I'm not saying there's a correlation.

Look, I'm not saying there's a correlation, but it does seem like ever since this broke out, the school shootings have gone down.

Am I right?

It does feel like the teachers got together and they were like, hey, we can solve this shit in-house.

You know, we can stop this.

We're going to start a detention.

We're just going to run it a little bit different.

You know?

my son sees this shit on the news I asked him the other day I said you ever fantasized about one of your teachers he's like dad you're disgusting no that's gross

and I don't know if he's socially awkward because we homeschool him or what his problem is or

roll tide right I mean if he can make his mom come at least somebody in this fucking house can get it done you know that's my time thank y'all David lynham with a funny set hello you're much funnier than you looked like you were gonna be when you came out I swear to God you see how slow it was at first?

They didn't like it.

Oh, no, no.

Because of the earring in your ear and your hair.

Yeah.

I look like the singer of Creed.

I get that all the...

Oh, he spit a lot.

That was a...

That's all right, that happened.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I'm a little bit drunk.

I've been hanging out with Autistic People at Poor Choices for fucking two hours, dude.

Yeah.

Sky definitely rules.

Yep.

There's Sham Wow guys over there, if y'all want to know.

The pitch guy.

Is he really?

The punched the hooker.

He's walking around.

Slow me.

Yeah.

Get him over here.

Did he see him?

His handler is wearing a

Sham Wow hoodie.

He signed up for the show.

No, he's over there fucking talking to people, dude.

It is bizarre, dude.

I'm so glad to be here with y'all, dude.

I can't believe I got called.

And on top of that, this panel's great, but god damn, I couldn't wait to get out of there, dude.

He directed a movie I was in.

Me and Adrian Brody were in a movie directed by the Sham Wow.

How insane is he?

Should we get him over here?

You got to get him over here.

All right, somebody go get the sham wow guy.

Sham wow.

You got to love it.

Oh, random Monday night in Austin, Texas.

Go find that guy.

The sham wow guy.

I got people in the front row drinking glass.

Anything can happen.

You could clean that up.

David, tell us about your life.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm a career drummer that quit

a year and a half ago.

to do comedy.

I like comedy.

A career drummer?

I paid for my house playing drums and quit to do this.

Well, boy, oh boy, do I

do your job.

No, no, no.

We have a tradition on this show.

It's called a Mexican drama.

That's where we have a drum solo competition between two people.

David, you're going to be going first here tonight.

Here's the deal, David.

If you win, you're the new full-time backup drummer for the band.

Michael Gonzalez is playing a football stadium tonight.

We are lucky to have the unbelievable stylings of Charles Reed as our full-time backup drummer.

So you do about a, I don't know, 20 to 30 second long.

Wait a second.

Is he about to balance that?

Oh my God.

Wow.

Look at that.

That's his Ari Shafir impression, everybody.

That's what Ari looks like without the drumstick.

That is incredible.

His new special, America's sweetheart, out tonight at midnight.

Just any joke you make up me.

Every time I roast roast you you get a plug

You disgusting Jew at midnight America's sweetheart

So anyway, if you win you're the new full-time backup drummer here in Austin Texas for Kill Tony and you get to do comedy in Austin Texas too.

You know what I mean?

That would make you here in Austin.

So now is the time a tradition unlike any other okay it's in his nose though

Charles Reed playing it cool even though that's very disrespectful.

There you go.

Oh, oh, oh, he pulled back on the fist bump.

Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo.

This is Charles Reed.

He lost a stick.

Oh, he's picking his nose.

All right, there is David Lynum with the drum solo, ladies and gentlemen.

Charles Reed, about to bury him with a shit.

Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be cool.

The crowd's gonna go wild.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne as the backup drummer, one of the great freak talents of this, the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas.

This is Charles Reed.

Jesus fucking Christ.

One of the most unbelievable ass beatings we've ever seen.

Wow.

Whoa.

Hey.

Yeah.

That was a close one.

I think Charles is better at drumming and comedy.

Unbelievable.

This is the first time I've ever seen a black guy put his knee on a white guy's neck before.

Oh my god.

That is incredible.

Oh boy, oh my god, you see why I quit, right?

Yeah, I paid for my house and got out of that industry.

Charles, how do you feel?

Oh, it's off.

Okay, one better.

How many of you have David Lynum winning that?

Just a boo from the crowd.

Just one boo.

How many?

Nasty motherfucker.

How many of you have Charles Reed winning?

But good news, David.

Your set was good.

Anything else crazy we should know about your life before letting you go?

I worked for the

drummer for Guns N' Roses for a couple of years.

Okay.

What was that like?

Babysitter?

Should you make him feel better about his talent?

Hey, I'm telling you, it was a full-time job.

Like, a lot of.

What was the name of your band?

Lynem.

Wow.

Yeah.

Called Lynem.

You didn't name it last night.

I didn't name it.

I didn't name the band.

I would never name the band my last name.

But you did.

Yeah, but no.

But then you did.

No, no, no.

I did not.

But the rest of the band called it that.

We were last in line when they were going out band names, obviously.

It gets misspelled on every marquee across the country.

Yeah, a lot of marquees.

Yeah, we did.

We flew below your radar, but we made

enough money to pay for a house in Alabama.

Well, you just got beat by Biz.

Alabama.

You just got your ass handed to you by Biz Marquise.

See, that's about as old of a reference as Charlotte's Web.

We liked your set, though, David Lynam.

Here's a big joke book.

Congratulations.

There you go.

Thank you guys so much.

On to the next one.

We're flying through it here tonight.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of DK, everyone.

DK.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Here's DK.

One more time for DK, everybody.

These people wait all evening for this opportunity.

Most people these days aren't too smart.

The reason why I say that is because most people think digging is the way that you end up finding oil.

That's not necessarily the case.

Another way is looking for terrorists and weapons of mass destruction.

A little bit about myself.

My birthday is 420.

For most people, that's a day of celebration, right?

But every so often I get somebody who will come and let me know, like, hey, do you know you share a birthday with Hitler?

And I go, wow, that's an interesting fact.

No one's ever told me that before in 27 years.

And they go, how does it feel to share a birthday with such a bad guy?

And I go,

who, Hitler?

And they go, yeah, Hitler is well known for killing 4.6 million Jews in Germany.

And I go, okay, but like, what did he do wrong?

For those of you who are smart in the crowd, you would have heard that joke and go, wow, 4.6 million, that guy must be off.

But the thing is, I don't necessarily count the women.

Thank you.

I think I'm going to leave it there.

Okie-dokie.

Hell yeah.

DK, fresh off of winning the drum solo competition.

Dare I ask what DK is short for?

Because I'm thinking of a video game right now.

So

I'm thinking doesn't.

That's the first thought that usually comes out of people's mouths.

I think it's for how you spell Dairy Queen.

Yeah.

Spam Patterson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's my son, Dairy King.

I'm one of the ones that are good at spelling.

What does DK stand for?

It stands for Drama King.

What?

It stands for Drama King.

That is what it means.

Oh, okay.

Did your parents give you that or did you do that one?

I did that one, clearly.

Well, I don't know how clearly that.

Well, my friends did that one, but

I rolled with it.

Why they be calling you Drama King?

Because I'm a bit dramatic, Tony.

Can you give us an example of a time in which you were dramatic?

Yes.

You got pulled over.

I'm one of those guys.

Oh, we're groaning now.

Two hours into the episode, we're going to start groaning.

I just called him Donkey Kong a second ago.

Everyone was fine with it.

I say he gets pulled over.

The black guy just gave me a thumbs up.

Thank you, sir.

I can tell because the inside of his thumb is white.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, my God.

I dug myself into a deeper hole.

And now we're getting applause.

Let's go.

Okay.

So give us a time in which you were dramatic.

So the reason why I got this name is because I'm very emotional for a man.

Like, I like to sit around with my friends and talk about God and consciousness.

And I'm like, I think we should be loving each other.

They're like, that's gay.

You are very dramatic for a man.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

So, I mean,

that's who I am.

And I just, I roll with that, you know?

You love it.

Yeah.

But what do you do for work, DK?

So I work as a valet driver at this hotel up.

Who the fuck would trust you with their keys?

I definitely get a lot of side eyes on you.

Mr.

Drama King, please.

No, no, no.

My real name is Timothy.

That's not a hidden fact.

Timothy's nice.

Drama King.

You should be.

No, but the people just call me DK.

No, Drama King.

I've gotten word that, Drama King, that you once tried to fight one of the nicest humans in all of show business, Yoni, the producer of Kill Tony.

Would you like to tell us exactly why a man named it would take a man named Drama King to ever want to hurt sweet, sweet Yoni?

As I said, I'm very emotional.

What happened?

Yoni told me,

this was a while ago, so my memory might be a little bit scratchy.

None of it was on Yoni.

All of it was on me.

Absolutely.

I already knew that.

Yoni, if you're wondering who that is cackling, that's Yoni.

Yeah.

So I didn't know who Yoni was.

He came and he approached me and told me to step off, step away from the sidewalk while smoking.

Nobody tells Drama King to step off the sidewalk.

No, no no that wasn't that that wasn't the issue i felt

i felt the intention behind it was kind of malicious like i i didn't know who he was oh clearly he had the authority to be doing that and it made sense at the time andy's one of the nicest guys he is he is yeah i've had a conversation with him after he's a great man you thought it was some random guy telling you to get off the sidewalk

yeah i thought it was somebody who worked at poor choices oh

okay so all right that also would have been a weird like i'm not even in i'm not even at the building like i'm off to the sidewalk so Right in front of the door, I'm guessing.

A few feet away from the door.

Yeah, it's confirmed by Yoni.

Definitely right in front of the door.

What were you smoking?

Black and mild.

Crack.

Oh, okay.

No,

it was definitely weed.

It was weed.

Yeah.

That makes perfect sense.

Yeah, I mean, I smoked a blunt with you about two and a half years ago.

Really?

Yeah.

In your face, Tony.

Damn.

How's it feel?

Where the fuck were you and Drama King hanging out?

You know.

You know?

Where were you, Drama King?

Were you at his apartment?

Did he bring you?

Did you guys kiss?

Let me show you where I'm going to put the hot tabloid.

Who's getting tickled?

I would never get tickled.

Where do we smoke this blunt?

So it was at the back of the creek in the cave.

That's where all the love making happens, Drama King.

Yeah.

It was during a Legion of Skank show.

You came out in a cowboy outfit.

There was pretty much no one

sounds about right.

We've taped a little episode of Broke Black Mountain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was right after the ping day.

So I was smoking a blunt, and you walked up and hit it.

No, I was smoking a blunt, and I asked you if you wanted to hit it, and you were like, sure, man.

Yeah, that's right.

I don't know why you had to do that.

Voice, Drama King.

God damn it, Drama King.

You want to hit this?

Sure.

I'll fuck you.

What else happened, though, after that?

You guys, what would you guys talk about?

What'd you guys do?

So,

it was right after Tony was going through a situation, and he was the pang dang you said.

Yeah, we were talking about the state of comedy, etc.

And he was like, Yeah, man, you know, people.

All right, what's going on?

Nasty motherfucker, Drama King.

Come on.

There you go, Timmy.

Got you in one word.

Two more, two more.

Two more, Tony.

I mean, this is wonderful.

All right.

Whatever, dude.

Yeah, that was a terrible impression.

Okay.

Anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go, DK.

Drama King.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, if there is anything you should know about my character,

it's that I've done a lot of psychedelics, and that's just about it.

Hell yeah.

The only thing that I consider very significant, over 100 heroic heroic dose trips.

Oh, wow.

Over a hundred.

Yeah, like doing ounces of mushrooms.

Wow.

Drama King.

Yeah.

That's too many trips.

Yeah,

it is a lot.

But I'm here and I'm lucid and I'm cognizant.

So

you're not actually here right now.

Must be some lies.

Barely.

Yeah.

Yeah, you be tripping, dude.

Yeah, I definitely do.

It's one thing that I'm very known for, tripping, both physically and mentally.

What the fuck was that, Red Band?

Well, he doesn't even know.

Red Band, that is crazy.

Red Band, what did you just do?

Have fun bleeping that in the edit, you creepy song.

What was that?

Holy shit, nothing.

It was nothing.

I ran out of big joke books.

Here's a little joke book.

Thank you.

There he goes.

Drama King.

On behalf of Red Band, I apologize.

I didn't know what that was.

Nobody noticed.

Nope, we're not editing that out.

We're going to keep that one in.

Red Band, disgusting, Drama King, we all apologize.

Sweet, sweet Drama King.

All right.

What the fuck were you doing?

What'd you think that was?

I did it.

That was actually a mistake.

No way.

When he was talking about Donkey Kong, I had it too.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Very good.

Yes.

Great.

Let's talk about it for as long as fucking possible, please, everybody.

Can we talk about it all night?

I'm going to bring it up every time you can't edit it out.

I'm going to bring it up five more times.

Red Band.

It's not edited.

Only Red Band.

Red Band pressed a fucking monkey sound effect.

Red Band.

Where are we at?

Timeline.

I'm going to edit this out.

Now I'm going to bring it up.

But Red Band literally pressed a fucking monkey sound effect.

Wow.

For one second, then caught himself.

But it was just enough.

You just heard that whack!

By the way, that Donkey Kong sound effect.

Donkey Kong.

Rebin.

Please.

Come on, man.

For the love of God, everyone, can we please stop fucking talking about it?

Can we move on?

Stop monkeying around up here.

Are we having fun tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what's about to happen.

Austin is so crazy that sometimes you have special treats that pop in.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you here

to be on the podcast for a bit.

This is indeed the Shamwell Guy, Vince Offer.

What's up?

Hell yeah.

Vince, grab that microphone right there.

Right there, right there.

It's right behind you.

Get the mic.

Wait, who's that?

Oh, keep going.

Keep going.

Wait, wait.

Sham wow guy.

Who the fuck is this guy?

Like, you're a goat in insult comedy.

I'm a goat in sales.

It's not a big category, but I got to have a bouncer.

A bodyguard.

Is that made out of Shamwa?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

And if I beat up hookers, I need the blood to be picked up by something.

Hell yeah.

But these girls are too beautiful to have beat hookers.

Absolutely.

I don't pick good hookers.

Well, I'm trying to recruit Ari to do inappropriate comedy, too.

So I got half a million dollars.

Fire it up.

Oh, you're too big now?

You're too good for me.

Ari's funny.

Ari's funny.

No.

He's funny, but he's funnier in my movie, inappropriate comedy.

Oh.

Where can people find this movie nowadays?

Where's inappropriate comedy?

4chan?

Hey, your producer didn't want me to come on your podcast.

Really?

I'm not talking to you.

Oh, okay.

I have proteges.

I'm going to put my ring.

I'm just kidding, Mark.

No, no, he's my protege.

He's a little, you know, he's, we're doing,

what's great about him, he does rap, rhyme.

Oh, no.

Anybody's name.

He's one of those guys.

Rhyme.

That guy, that guy, that guy rap.

Change one of my...

Yeah, go ahead.

Do a rap.

All right.

Oh, shit.

The Shamwild Guys, welcome to an episode where we've seen it all, ladies and gentlemen.

The Shamwild Guys security guard is now going up here.

Wow.

And I'll dance to it.

This is my first time on stage, so I'm very nervous.

You're doing great.

You're doing great.

I just asked her to get a drink.

Then you said we're going to kill the drink.

You're doing great.

Now, ladies and gentlemen.

So, basically, my name is Sean Lennon.

I'm from Brooklyn.

Then he called me up and said, we're going to kill Kill Tony.

I said, no, phony.

I got some cowboy boots and a half button ran a roni.

I stepped on a plane like, yo, let's go kill this Tony.

Where's he at, bro?

And I said, oh, shit, it's comedy.

So I left it to my boy, the Sham Wow guy.

He said, oh, my, but you didn't know me close guilt only.

Said, why?

We don't like rap.

We don't like that crap.

I don't care if you're from Howard Sturge.

Take it back.

Yes.

My truck.

All right.

Wow.

Yikes.

Wow.

He can do this all.

It's like a hip-hop comedy show.

Oh, yeah.

It's a hip-hop comedy show.

That is.

Oh, but Ari, it's good to see you.

He was in my film.

I thought you were going to, I mean, you're.

Me, you, Adrian Brody, Lizzie lohan that's my dude right there really adrian brody was like dirty harry but flirty harry make me gay you know wow yeah wow and we had ari

no i saw ari doing all this racist stuff i'm i love racist stuff yeah

well you're at the right show well i want tony to talk because i've always i've you know no you're doing great you you and your buddy are fantastic

It is.

You guys are like co-partners meets cocaine.

This is incredible.

You know what?

People think I do drugs.

I don't.

Billy Mays did drugs.

They always connect me.

I'm getting a little out of this.

This is not drugs.

What is this?

I'm looking pretty good at 60.

Do I look good at 60?

I don't know.

You're 60?

You're fucking 60?

Yeah.

Shampoo.

Wow.

Wait, these still fucking hookers?

You know what's funny?

I have one at my home tonight.

Wait, did you go to jail for that?

Next question.

Wow, the security guy, also PR.

I have to leave now.

No, hang out.

This is fucking weird.

Tell us, Vince, what have you been up to?

Mark, I love Mark.

Amazing, mythical creature.

You're coming out with a new product.

This is the first time I'm saying this.

I love this.

I love it.

Right now, sell it.

Sell it, baby.

Let's hear it.

And I want you all to buy it because I see everybody's white here.

So listen,

it's called the black.

Wow.

It's black, big black.

The girls can take it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room, and it's big, black, strong, and it's diversity.

The eye.

So wait a second.

It's basically a sham wow, but it's black.

Oh my.

So it doesn't work?

Damn, you can't.

It makes a bigger mess.

Mark, being in the commercial?

No, I don't want anywhere near that fucking thing.

You're too wide.

You're too white.

Do you have have a catchphrase for Black Wow yet?

Do we have a catchphrase?

He's one of my co-writes.

I lost him.

Okay.

Well, yes.

You ready?

Where's your co-worker?

If you don't buy it, you're fucking racist.

Oh.

That means everybody's going to buy one.

Come on, send the money up right now.

Okay, here we go.

We're going to raise some funds.

Vince, where did you meet this white rapper?

Okay, I used to have a movie called Underground Comedy.

This is back in the 90s before Woke.

At the the time, they were attacking my film.

You know, I have Suit Models Taking the Dump, Dick Man Fights Lesbians, Miss America Bag Lady Pageant.

I think I told Ari about it when I did number two.

It was wild.

It was wild.

It should look like

that.

And it's not even on the internet.

It's so fucking messed up.

So the critics all hated it because they're all woke in L.A.

And they said it's the worst movie ever made.

No one, it's not funny.

Come on, you're lying your ass off.

But anyway, so I had to go into the street and promote underground comedy on the street.

And then people go to the theater and we fill it up and I said what am I doing selling movie tickets when I can be on infomercials and that's how I got into the infomercials

I had like a little DV player showing at people on the street got them into the theater and then I that's how I crossed into infomercials I said forget movies let's do something movies let's focus on towels exactly I said fuck it and the towels were fucking and I'm beating up hookers why not clean up the hookers yes the blood and then I crossed that's how I crossed over into infomercials from the from that because the critics hated me, so I took that and

went from rags to riches.

Absolutely.

I'm curious to know, like, and

I tend to ask people obnoxiously direct forward questions on this show.

And this might be a little too forward.

Like, did you, how much ballpark, oh my God.

Okay.

I've been informed that it has a 22% on popcorn meter inappropriate.

My question is this.

How about, can you give us a ballpark of about how much money you made from the Sham Wow universe?

Okay, so about okay gross 100 million.

I made about 20.

Wow.

Right, so fucking awesome.

Honestly, okay

It's my first time on stage, so I'm like I'm actually kind of shy, but you're doing great and the girl that girl the blonde girl supposed to get me a drink, but whatever.

She's busy doing drink getting hit on by guys.

Yeah, I want a butt light too.

Whatever.

Yeah.

That blonde girl's supposed to get me a drink too, bro.

Yeah.

Heidi knows the type of guys that will punch her in the face.

And by the way, I got this.

Oh.

All right.

Let me get back to the question again.

Sorry.

No, you answered it.

About 20 million.

That's the ballpark.

And then what happened?

Did the hooker thing cost you?

Honestly, okay, you want to know what happened?

You know, I was, this is like, I don't want to get into a documentary here, but I was in a cult for 20 years.

I don't want to say what cult because I don't want to get killed after the show.

Or maybe within the next week.

Scientology, perfect.

No, I didn't say that.

You said that.

I said that.

Well, it's killed Tony, so it's perfect.

I don't want it to kill me.

You're good.

I didn't say that.

But, so I was 20 years in it.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a sex cult.

It was a reading cult.

And then when I was in Miami.

It's the opposite of sex.

I had $20 million in my pocket.

I'm like, everybody, every model ones that I couldn't even talk.

And the Russian girl said, hey, that's...

I don't want to even say who it is because I don't mean...

You started having a little.

You fucking gave her one, too.

Honestly, because I was a little repressed, to be honest.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, 20 years in a cult that doesn't have sex.

I mean, and if you have sex, you got to write it down.

It's like a sin.

Wow.

Yeah, it's true.

Whoa.

Yeah, pretty bad.

So you had 20 million bucks.

I should have joined a sex cult, but whatever.

What?

So you had 20 million bucks and you weren't really even fucking that much?

Yeah.

Wow.

So then all of a sudden.

Okay, this is like a podcast now.

It is.

It's been a podcast the whole time.

It's more like a whole big one.

I don't think I sent it release.

Well, okay, whatever.

Oh, God.

You didn't?

I hope you did.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, boy.

Vince.

Vince, please don't.

We're getting another rhyme from the side.

Are you getting sick?

Let's get another rhyme from

the middle.

We get another rhyme from Sean.

No, we're good.

It's time to throw in the towel.

My disinterest.

All right, well, anyway, what do we got?

So how much did the hooker thing cost you?

I should have had sex with her, I guess, if I'm going to get blamed for it.

But anyway, long story short, I did think like, oh, wow, you can just have sex for like money.

I'm like, I never thought.

Was she on the rag?

All right, that's the last towel joke.

Oh, hey, there we go.

Absolute fucking lootly.

All right, there's one for me.

So, anybody want to know what a thoughtist, by the way, is?

Well, I come up with products and names for products.

Yeah.

I'm the owner of the products.

So, I came up with the word thoughtist.

So, like, let's say you like Trump and I like Biden, right?

We don't hate each other, right?

Yeah, that's probably what you're talking about.

But if I hated you because you like Trump, I would hate your thought.

So, that's called a thoughtist.

So, like, the color, so you know how racist hate like black, like you don't like black people.

Well, I mean, you're you're jumping ahead there.

I'm not gonna let you work the soundboard over here, that's for sure.

Oh, red man,

stop that.

Do not do that anymore.

Play the monkey right there.

He's gone apart.

No, like

slap.

No, you don't like it.

You don't like

someone doesn't like a black guy because of his color, color of his skin, right?

He just hates him.

So this is someone who hates you because of the color of your thoughts.

So I came up with the color, like thoughtist.

So

people with that word.

So I'm trying to promote the...

new product is a word.

You've invented a word, and it's free.

You can have it, you can use it.

If someone hates you for something, you can say, you know what, you're a fucking thoughtist.

Don't be a thoughtist.

Yeah.

So, if I like Trump, you don't have to hate me.

You can just like debate me.

So, that's kind of what I'm trying to say.

Because, you know, I don't think it's so much,

but it's not bad.

Hey, Red Band's on the board.

And he's back.

Red Band's back.

He's going to blow it.

He's back.

But he's back.

He's back.

Give him a minute.

What's funny is I'm just trying to get my protege here to come on, and all of a sudden I'm out.

Hey, you're doing good.

Vince, no one wants your protege.

It's a diamond dozen.

Or a diamond dozen.

Move two feet, and your body will follow.

Come on.

No, it's okay.

It's okay.

He did good.

The rap was good.

The rap is good.

The rap was terrible, Tony.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just saying that.

He moves on.

Let Bill Murray's brother just say that.

Okay, yeah.

Let me do the weave back with Trump does.

We met, you know, when Underground Comedy was so offensive.

He used to be a caller on the Howard Stern show and call and say things, and that's how we met.

Oh, cool.

Oh, Yosemite Sham.

Yosemite Sham.

Well,

that is great.

So we met at the house.

Well, Fince, we're going to keep it moving along.

Any last words to the beautiful audience here, to the people?

Your first time live on stage.

Yeah.

First time.

I appreciate it.

You guys all made me feel good.

I got it.

I love it.

The goats of comedy.

And I'm.

Hang out.

Yeah, hang out.

We'll hang afterwards.

Gip Vince Givens and his friends Mitzi's passes.

Wow, how about that, huh?

All right, we're almost to the end here.

We have our first female comedian of the night, which will be our last bucket pull.

Let's see how this goes, ladies and gentlemen.

A minute from Brie Collette.

Brie Collette, everyone.

There she is.

Brie Colette, everybody.

They will keep coming.

Keep coming, sister.

Give me a queef.

Give me a second.

Sorry, I'm dyslexic.

Yeah,

I could burp on command.

It's pretty cool.

I actually have an OnlyFans for it.

Only

that's five dollars.

I'm sorry.

You're cool.

You're hot.

Um, I was supposed to do a joke.

Um,

thank you.

Um,

yeah, my dad.

Hey, this is what bombing looks like.

Um, someone's like, that's not.

All right, that is all the time.

She didn't really get a chance.

What are you talking about?

What do you have a burp fetish?

Well, Mark burped in her face.

And then, I think you were riffing.

You didn't plan on burping right away, did you?

No.

Really?

No.

Yeah, obviously she didn't.

Did you want to do like material?

You burped and just talked about burping the whole fucking time.

You know, it is a job, but I mean...

Do you have any non-burp material you'd like to do?

Okay, thank you, Redband.

Very good.

There you go.

And it took him that long to blow it, everyone.

A fart noise during a burp part of the show.

Fucking absolutely retarded.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

The people love it.

Some retarded business partner, Brian Redband.

13 and a half years working side by side.

Hold on, I have a question.

I'm sorry.

Did you honestly plan on doing burp material?

No.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I thought so.

No, but I heard some fucking weak ass burps up here, and so I had to compete.

Hold on.

I don't know who it was.

Just relax.

Do hyphen.

Oh, my God.

What are you talking about?

No.

Did someone burp

into the microphone?

Yeah, a couple of times.

Not with her here.

Right.

Before, you heard a burp earlier in your life.

Am I the one who's wrong?

Did Mark burp as soon as she got our shit?

That was you the whole time?

Yeah.

Are you mutant?

Sorry, I was defending her.

I didn't plan that.

That's on me.

Let me ask you this.

If you didn't hear Mark burp many minutes ago, were you planning on doing your entire minute about burping?

No, I got distracted.

It's my ADHD.

Do a joke.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I want her.

I wanted her to do a joke when I brought her out here.

I mean, I don't understand.

Well, I don't want to kill time.

I mean, I already did.

All right.

You want to root for her, but she's unlikable.

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

I'm unlikable.

All right, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to do some of her actual material, her non-fucking burp material.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark, put your microphone down.

This is Brie Colette, everybody.

Bree Colette.

Hey, that's pretty funny.

All right, cut her off.

Oh my god.

All right.

All right, perfect.

That's a great.

That is the funniest thing you could have done.

That's perfect.

You did it, Brie.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

It is so great to see that Amy Schumer has new material.

This is incredible.

So how long have you been doing stand-up?

I started in Portland about two and a half, three years ago.

Two and a half years ago, in Portland, where they find that type of stuff unbelievably groundbreaking and hilarious.

Super hip.

Super hip.

It's not hot.

It's hot.

So

how much material do you think you have altogether?

Non-burp material?

Solid 20.

Okay.

Oh.

What types of things do you talk about when you're not burping in front of millions of fucking people and the biggest opportunity that you'll ever have in your entire life, which you will look back and regret on forever?

As of now.

but

oh yeah there's gonna be bigger opportunities oh yeah trust me dude the burp queen yeah she's gonna link up with the drama king yeah

yep and they're gonna

you know no but uh yeah i don't know dicks

what about dicks

What about dicks?

I mean, I what about dicks?

I talk about dating.

I talk about how I have bipolar too.

Oh, thanks.

So I'm not the crazy one, you know?

Okay.

And the ADHD, and just, I'm just fucked up.

So can we hear a zinger about dicks?

A zinger?

A joke, you know, like a comedian?

A joke.

Mark's from the fucking 20s.

Can we hear a zinger?

Come on, you Tussie Broad.

I took the locomotive here.

Took the locomotive here to hear some zingers.

All I'm hearing is some up-chuck.

Give me some yuck-em-ups, you burp pig.

Okay, okay, I like it.

Talk about something you read in the newspaper, the periodicals.

This is great.

Keep it coming.

I love it.

You ever seen a dick?

Okay, wait.

Yeah, I have seen a dick.

Wait, that's not how it's hard.

Hold on.

I'm sitting with five of them.

You ever put a dick in your mouth?

Not yet.

All right.

As soon as you put it in, it kind of like latches in place, you know?

No?

They're ahead dick, you know?

I don't even drink water.

Oh my god.

All right.

Here's a little joke book, Brie.

That was.

There you go.

Boom.

There she goes.

Brie Colette, everybody.

She can belch, which, by the way, everyone can do.

Little fun fact is anybody can do that at any point.

She was good.

I'm telling you, you missed out on a star.

Yeah, it should have been a golden ticket.

That was a superstar.

Yeah.

She's been the best yet, probably.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time.

William Montgomery has the flu, everybody.

Yes!

Thank God.

William Montgomery with what some people are saying is up to a 103-degree fever right now.

Whoa.

So he is out.

However...

Ladies and gentlemen, here

to close the show is literally one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Some people call him the American Dream.

Some people call him

the green card Goliath.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty!

I

am so fucking tired of being poor.

I'm about to snap.

When is it my time?

Even if you make a million dollars now, remember when you were a kid, you thought, million dollars, that's a fucking summer house in Italy,

downtown apartment in Austin.

Now, a million dollars, whoo, one bedroom in Plugerville.

Now I feel bad for millionaires.

I'm like, fuck, Chick-fil-A is hiring.

I don't know.

When you look at rich people, don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school?

Like where they talked, where the bag is at, you know

because my school was like alphabet Hitler

and then they were like okay

now go pay taxes

what the fuck was algebra

teach me how to run a scam you bitch like

Remem when we spent three years on a triangle?

I'm 32 years old, never even seen one.

Teach me about offshore accounts.

Fuck.

And when you meet rich people, I always ask, I always ask, how?

And they never say, always some real vague.

You know, rich people love to say, like, oh, the right place at the right time.

I've been everywhere always.

let me in, rich people.

Come on, let me in the circle.

Let's go.

I get it.

Let's fucking privatize water in Sierra Leone.

Let's go.

I'm cool.

Take me to Epstein Island.

Let's go.

I'll fuck the kids

and keep my mouth shut.

The only people who do give you financial advice are dudes who are into crypto, huh?

How come every guy who tells you about crypto is also on the bus?

It's always your friend Tyler with like bong breath.

Dude, Bitcoin's coming back

you want to be like Tyler the fact that this information has trickled down to you

means we're already too late

thank you so much everybody thank you Wow three minutes and nine seconds of brand new material

Absolutely unbelievable.

Ari

Matty has done it again.

Over three times the necessary work that you had to do.

A whole cohesive bit.

Thanks.

You did it.

I mean, it is just unbelievable.

And you're getting in, you're just sliding into home base at the last second with your I'm still poor material

right before you announce a new fucking giant tour, I'm sure, because you sell tickets now.

So this is it.

This is your last chance.

Can't announce a tour without a visa.

That is true.

That is true.

We are exactly seven days away from an inauguration.

That's your buddy.

I hope so.

It's my birthday, Trump.

Give me it.

That's it.

Absolutely.

Give it to me.

I'm white.

It's gonna go bad.

The perfect specimen.

Come on.

I've seen your family.

You love me.

Superior genetics.

I'm positive Trump will see this.

I'm positive he will let you in.

He's going to deport you.

I know, Ari.

I know.

I'm scared.

I bet he comes on here at one point.

Probably, huh?

He's scared.

He won't.

You think?

I think he's too frightened.

He's definitely

not.

First of all, he's had a couple appearances on the show.

I don't know if you guys have noticed it.

Some of the most viewed episodes in the show's history.

Well, you did his show at the garden.

Yeah, I did his show at the garden.

You did not get a booklet.

I did not.

I did give you a little book.

I did not.

It is true.

It is

true.

Never heard of him.

And don't want to hear of him.

That's what he said.

That's what he said.

Find me in a week in the front row of the inauguration.

Anyway,

yeah, I'm positive Trump would love you.

He has a great sense of humor.

Had his own roast 14 years ago, 15 years ago or so on Comedy Central.

It was the biggest roast of all time at the time.

And yeah, he's got a great sense of humor.

He's one of the funniest people in the world.

I don't know what he would think about your accent, though.

That's the thing.

Makes him worried, maybe.

Probably horny.

Yeah.

That's a wise observation.

He likes those accents.

Yeah.

Sometimes I see like American guys here, they have when they have the flag and they're like proud, you know, they're like fucking

when they hear my accent at a cafe or something, you can tell they're like, what the fuck is moving into my country now?

Just another fucking accent.

Did they do that in Estonia?

Like wear the flag and they're like, yeah.

No, not really.

There's no Estonian pride we don't have that fucking genocide

energy, you know

What do you mean?

Yeah, what you guys killed everybody you know those people here before you you know that right Shane yeah you got you guys participated in some wild moves

You forgot I know history you little nasty bucks

so sorry about that

I have not heard of any snake both ways Nazis and Soviets you little snake fucks We did I know all about you nasty little people Yeah, look at you Yeah.

Get in where you fit in, you nasty fuck.

Hey, we gave ours casinos, motherfucker.

Yeah, exactly.

That's a little parting gift.

You did nothing for the Jews.

Yeah.

Which reminds me, America's sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight.

What else is going on in the wild world of Ari Matty?

I went to Tulum for eight days.

I just got back yesterday.

Diarrhea, Diarrhea I have now.

Yeah.

During the trip, during the trip, no diarrhea.

Street food, everything,

nothing.

And then I got here, I went to the airport.

That's where I got the diarrhea.

Welcome back.

Perfect place to have it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's actually gosh.

That's what airports are for.

Yeah.

What do you think caused the diarrhea?

What did you eat?

I ate, well, a burrito.

I know.

I came from Mexico, but I just felt like one.

Can't remember the spot, though.

I think it was called guacamole or some shit.

Ah.

That could have been the problem, huh?

Because I've eaten chipotla.

You've eaten chipotla?

Never had diarrhea?

Right.

Well, that's American.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We clean it up.

Although, it is a Mexican making it.

But still.

Do you get lucky over there in Mexico?

They do love me there, the brown women.

Yeah.

How much do you pay?

A couple of pesos?

I've never had a hooker.

I don't know.

That's like an American thing, right?

Got a hooker.

That's not just a thing.

That's a fucking Estonian thing.

Yeah,

they're pretty talking about Europe and Mexico.

Well, I went to a strip club here, the one that's supporting the show, too.

That was a wonderful experience.

Were you at the red rose or the yellow rose?

I was at the yellow one.

Okay.

And I've never been to a strip club where it's like.

There's an Asian one?

Oh, sorry.

What were you saying about the yellow rose?

It was a very positive environment for the ladies, you know.

Because I've been to like Estonian strip club.

It's not exactly like, you know, it's all like.

What do they do there?

Well, it's all women who don't have passports and they don't want to be there, you know.

It's not exactly like a cool aw, you know.

They're slaves, is that what you're saying?

They're like prisoners?

Something like that, yeah?

Wow.

If you look into their eyes, you get fucking hard.

But then again, our women don't burp on a microphone, so

there's ups and downs to everything.

She performs at the Yellow Gross.

Amazing, Ari Matty.

Amazing.

You did it.

Three minutes, 10 seconds of new material, ladies and gentlemen.

The Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-belt is in.

What did Chris Rogers do over there?

Oh, Ari Maddie.

Fuck yeah.

I think it's Ari Maddie.

Ari Maddie and Blackface.

Ari Matty.

Cam Maddie.

Ladies and gentlemen, did you guys have fun tonight?

I don't know if I mentioned this, but Ari Shafir's brand new Netflix special America sweetheart out now on Netflix.

Check it out.

How about one more time for the great Mark Normand, everybody?

Thank you.

And come on, ladies and gentlemen, one of the best to ever do the damn thing, Shane Gillis, everyone, here live in the flesh.

Thank you, Shopify, PrizeFix, Blue Chew, and Zip Recruiter.

We did it again.

Love you guys.

Have a great night, everybody.

Thank you.