#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 5 Nashville, Tennessee, one of the finest cities in the beautiful United States of America.

Speaker 6 We are coming directly to you. The Kill Tony Show live from the Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th.
Tickets are on sale now. It's one of the largest arenas we've ever done.

Speaker 6 This is your chance to get tickets. Go to ticketmaster.com, type in the word Kill Tony, and get tickets now.
We will see you in April.

Speaker 6 That is so funny.

Speaker 6 Chocolate green, chocolate ring, chocolate ring,

Speaker 6 chocolate rain, chocolate green

Speaker 6 chocolate ring, chocolate

Speaker 14 Hey, this is Redbank coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H.

Speaker 17 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 17 Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. You're here.
Are you guys excited to be here?

Speaker 19 That's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band. Make some noise for them.

Speaker 20 You've been listening to them.

Speaker 22 That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns.

Speaker 24 Charles Reed joining us on the drums tonight.

Speaker 26 Crushing it.

Speaker 29 The male model Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 32 The great John Dees on the keys.

Speaker 34 And D-Madness on the bass guitar tonight.

Speaker 36 An unbelievable episode for y'all coming at you.

Speaker 39 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 40 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 40 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 41 Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

Speaker 25 Well, well, well, well, well.

Speaker 45 You know, every single week I am lucky to be able to book some of the funniest people in the world on this show.

Speaker 47 Sometimes it's up-and-coming talent that you've never heard of before that I like to show off first.

Speaker 48 Sometimes it is an old legend of comedy that's joining us.

Speaker 44 Tonight, it is three of our favorite guests in the history of the fucking show.

Speaker 34 It doesn't get any better than this.

Speaker 53 As I bring to the stage, Indeed, coming out, debuting with his newest Netflix special tonight at midnight, it's called America's Sweetheart.

Speaker 54 It is Ari Shafir.

Speaker 55 Shane Gillis and Mark Norman.

Speaker 55 Oh yeah.

Speaker 56 Oh yeah.

Speaker 11 The boys are back in town.

Speaker 11 Shane Dillis,

Speaker 11 Ari Shapir,

Speaker 11 and Mark Norman.

Speaker 11 Let's fucking go.

Speaker 11 We are in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 11 This episode brought to you by Shopify, Prize Picks, Blue Chew, and Zip Recruiter.

Speaker 11 Oh

Speaker 11 my

Speaker 11 God.

Speaker 22 You are here in the vortex of comedy.

Speaker 30 Fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect Our Parks, this is indeed the boys, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, and Ari Shafir.

Speaker 23 American sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight.

Speaker 60 America's or American? America's?

Speaker 38 America's sweetheart.

Speaker 62 Belonging to America?

Speaker 63 Absolutely. That's me.

Speaker 64 That is you.

Speaker 65 The old red, white, and Jew.

Speaker 19 Mark Normand here, sunglasses up, long day, protect our parks, five-hour episode from what I'm understanding.

Speaker 68 All profits go to the Maui fires.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Jesus Christ, those fucking blacks.

Speaker 71 And brought to you

Speaker 44 by Bud Light.

Speaker 32 Shane Gillis is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Three veterans of the show.

Speaker 24 You guys all know how it works.

Speaker 73 Who's on drums?

Speaker 63 That is Charles Reed.

Speaker 74 Michael Gonzalez is playing with Keith Urban tonight in a football stadium somewhere.

Speaker 63 This band plays these.

Speaker 2 Round of applause for Keith Urban.

Speaker 78 Who gave John?

Speaker 68 The band looks more urban.

Speaker 68 You got some new digs here, Tony. Like nice new equipment.

Speaker 2 You're still leveling up.

Speaker 82 We're upgrading, upgrading.

Speaker 84 We even got

Speaker 48 it all.

Speaker 45 We got a little fucking monitors here so that we can hear better for the first time ever.

Speaker 68 Just got to get rid of Red Band, huh?

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He's hanging on by the way.

Speaker 88 Oh, my God.

Speaker 22 That would be the judges.

Speaker 88 All he does is press fucking bird buttons.

Speaker 69 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 10 He got you.

Speaker 81 He got you, man.

Speaker 90 I've pre-pulled the first name.

Speaker 2 We've gone to wrangle them across the bar.

Speaker 89 It's all over you.

Speaker 80 Hello, Bruski.

Speaker 28 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 One bud light down.

Speaker 92 Right on the new monitor. That's great.

Speaker 2 The table explodes.

Speaker 90 Oh, yeah, it's on.

Speaker 63 That green light means that there's power running to it.

Speaker 68 Dude, Mark, that's my jizrag.

Speaker 63 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 5 This is how the forest fire started.

Speaker 29 You guys know how it works.

Speaker 37 I pull a comedian out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 95 You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 30 That means they have to wrap it up.

Speaker 37 Then or else they bring out the anger West Hollywood Bear, which rudely interrupts them and begins the interview portion of the show where I find out more about them,

Speaker 60 what they do, who they are, and what they could be talking about in this world.

Speaker 5 They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in a minute.

Speaker 37 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 32 All right, we're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner who is from Los Angeles, California, currently escaping the fires.

Speaker 37 He's here with the new minute.

Speaker 96 It's been a while.

Speaker 98 This is your first comedian 60 Seconds Uninterrupted going to Jack Shaw, everybody, the return of Jack Shaw.

Speaker 98 All right, guys.

Speaker 101 Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school.

Speaker 85 I drive a fucking fiat and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to.

Speaker 101 I was driving my fiat in the fast lane the other day. It was a big fucking day for me when all of a sudden this guy starts honking behind me, giving me the finger, saying, Fuck you, fuck you.

Speaker 101 So I decided to pull over in the right lane, let him pass me. He pulls up next to me, rolls down his window, and says, Roll down your window, you trans bitch.

Speaker 101 And I said, Nope.

Speaker 105 Uh-uh.

Speaker 101 This made this man so mad. I swear to you, this happened.
He took out pantomime finger guns and shot me.

Speaker 101 And I, pantomime, caught the bullet in my teeth.

Speaker 66 Ah!

Speaker 101 Don't pantomime with me, bitch. I went to performing art school.

Speaker 107 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 17 Exactly one minute from Jack Shaw.

Speaker 18 Not a second longer, not a second less.

Speaker 30 A man thrifty with his time.

Speaker 41 Ari Shafir, what's it like seeing your little brother?

Speaker 107 Baruch Hashem, my brother.

Speaker 36 It's so good to see you.

Speaker 108 Oh, my God.

Speaker 109 You're going to have a heart attack. You've got to chill.

Speaker 110 I know, dude.

Speaker 111 I know, dude.

Speaker 112 The blood is rushing to my cock and my heart at the same time.

Speaker 103 It's crazy, dude.

Speaker 115 Are you always this shaky or is it just...

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah? All right.

Speaker 117 Well, then

Speaker 3 you're calm.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 48 He is a wild boy, Jack Shaw.

Speaker 75 How's

Speaker 67 Escaping LA right now going forward?

Speaker 103 Oh my God, dude, I'm so happy to be here. The whole fucking city's burning to the ground.
I shouldn't have thrown that joint out the window when I left, dude. I feel really bad about that, dude.

Speaker 106 That was really embarrassing, dude.

Speaker 68 Probably your fucking menorah.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 89 A lot of candles.

Speaker 103 Eighth night of Hanukkah special, dude, burned down the whole fucking city, dude.

Speaker 82 Great.

Speaker 120 But you're not in the line of fire there, correct?

Speaker 85 No, I'm deep in the concrete, dude.

Speaker 54 I cannot afford to live in the palace.

Speaker 33 However, you are wearing clothes given to you by the volunteer fire department.

Speaker 31 Clearly, nothing fits you.

Speaker 88 You look like the little boy from the movie Big when he turns into a kid and is stuck with his grown-up clothes on.

Speaker 104 I got it free right off a body, dude.

Speaker 106 It was awesome.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 72 Okay, you're really running with it there.

Speaker 16 I'm crazy.

Speaker 68 If you're here, who's taking care of your shrunken kids?

Speaker 114 Some random black guy. One of the band members is going to knock him out.

Speaker 41 So, what's been going on?

Speaker 30 Tell us about your life, Jack, since we've seen you last.

Speaker 37 Anything crazy happening?

Speaker 103 Man, Aaron Belisle's been taking me on the road with him, dude.

Speaker 85 He's been fucking awesome to me. He's been really cool.

Speaker 45 All right, so you're opening for Aaron Belial?

Speaker 117 Yeah,

Speaker 101 opening for a guy who can't talk.

Speaker 104 My fucking career is starting at the bottom.

Speaker 114 You should walk in the room first and go, I'm cured.

Speaker 114 It's me, Aaron.

Speaker 126 I'm totally fine.

Speaker 94 I love it.

Speaker 103 I love his audiences, man.

Speaker 85 I did a show with him in Sacramento, and this lady came up to me after the show, and she said, Jack, I love your comedy.

Speaker 101 You're such an inspiration to my son.

Speaker 124 He's also retarded. Wow.

Speaker 45 Yeah. Hopefully aaron's audiences make more noise than he does

Speaker 89 what's that car ride like between the two of you oh

Speaker 114 they're strapped in the back of a van

Speaker 28 dude he was driving dude and he's trying to talk to me while he's driving he's got one hand he's texting and driving and talking to me at the same time oh my god who is this guy aaron belisle he's the one that we're talking about though he's secretly gay We weren't supposed to talk about it.

Speaker 129 He loves cocks.

Speaker 130 Aaron Belil loves cocks, loves sucking them.

Speaker 62 Black, white, brown, whatever.

Speaker 42 Aaron Aaron Belio, the cocksucker.

Speaker 64 Oh, all right.

Speaker 82 He's like those Airy Matty.

Speaker 38 It's easy to get them all confused.

Speaker 44 Jack, what else?

Speaker 2 How was Hanukkah?

Speaker 101 Hanukkah was great.

Speaker 132 Hanukkah!

Speaker 36 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 107 How is Christmas, Tony?

Speaker 44 God, if you were any Jewier, you would just fucking burn.

Speaker 118 Put me on the steak, Tony.

Speaker 36 I love it.

Speaker 86 Bro, your voice makes me hate Jews.

Speaker 14 Welcome.

Speaker 67 If this was the Holocaust, Ari would be like, he's underneath the floorboard.

Speaker 63 Please, for the love of God, get him away from me.

Speaker 104 Ari, you look like an anti-Semitic drawing of a Jewish person.

Speaker 14 You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

Speaker 93 We're supposed to be friends.

Speaker 107 Look at your fucking face.

Speaker 2 God damn it.

Speaker 114 Look Look at the Jews turning on each other.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Free Palestine.

Speaker 107 Don't free Palestine. Free Palestine.
Don't free. We don't know what's in Jews.

Speaker 68 What an iron dome you got here.

Speaker 2 Free will, though.

Speaker 114 You guys should free Palestine.

Speaker 118 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 63 No, that's definitely true. Son.

Speaker 85 Let's do it on the count of three, Ari.

Speaker 107 One, two, three.

Speaker 102 Free Palestine.

Speaker 2 More free.

Speaker 135 It's all about free with you guys. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 54 Jack Shaw, way to to get the fucking show started.

Speaker 34 Congratulations, and we have begun.

Speaker 22 It has begun

Speaker 19 and to our first bucket pool.

Speaker 33 This is where we meet someone all together.

Speaker 5 Even though this name looks familiar, I do believe we've seen this person before.

Speaker 43 This is a new minute from your first bucket pool tonight.

Speaker 30 Andrew Tarr, everybody, here is Andrew Tarr.

Speaker 65 All right.

Speaker 137 I saw the movie Oppenheimer.

Speaker 48 During the movie, they explained why Hitler never pursued nuclear weapons, and it's because he considered quantum physics to be Jew science.

Speaker 138 And I was just trying to put myself in Hitler's shoes, right?

Speaker 138 He's just watching a bunch of Jews working on atomic weapons, and he's thinking to himself, Man, these people are so cheap, they're trying to split an atom.

Speaker 30 What the hell is wrong with these people?

Speaker 138 Smallest particle in the universe. They want to cut it in half.
We have to do something about this.

Speaker 138 Now I remember growing up in the early 2000s, like when SpongeBob came out.

Speaker 138 And everybody's parents were like, ah,

Speaker 142 it's going to make the kids gay.

Speaker 4 And now,

Speaker 138 everyone's gay.

Speaker 82 They were right.

Speaker 138 They knew exactly what they were talking about.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 93 Great set.

Speaker 29 Thank you. Best set you've ever had on the show.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 78 Congratulations.

Speaker 79 Getting better out there.

Speaker 138 Absolutely trying.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 39 Absolutely. Welcome back, Andrew Tarr.

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 145 Tony, what the fuck do you invite me down for here?

Speaker 5 It's a Jewish heavy episode so far.

Speaker 8 It's like the roast of Ari to celebrate.

Speaker 114 Unfortunate timing on that anti-Semitism.

Speaker 135 Yeah, yeah. We were just getting after it.

Speaker 114 It's a great joke.

Speaker 88 It could have been better, but we were, the whole room was kind of like, all right.

Speaker 62 Might be going a little too far here.

Speaker 138 I've been planning to tell that joke on here for such a long time. And waiting in the back, I heard all of it.
I was like, fuck, should I do something else?

Speaker 125 It's like, screw it.

Speaker 2 We're doing it.

Speaker 146 It was perfect.

Speaker 5 Typical Jew joke.

Speaker 43 You squeezed every penny out of it.

Speaker 22 So what's been going on, Andrew Tarr?

Speaker 30 How's comedy?

Speaker 74 You're better.

Speaker 148 You look like you have some vitamin D in your system.

Speaker 38 What's going on?

Speaker 138 Yeah, getting out, getting out there, barely getting by doing comedy, but getting by.

Speaker 138 Going on dates and stuff. I actually was supposed to be on a date tonight, but she canceled.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Yeah.
Look at that.

Speaker 138 Now I get pulled on Kill Tony. Amazing.
Way better than it would have gotten.

Speaker 141 Amazing.

Speaker 34 What would you have done on the date?

Speaker 22 Who was it with?

Speaker 138 Just some lady on Hinge.

Speaker 74 Okay.

Speaker 45 You've never been with her before?

Speaker 100 No. What was your big plan?

Speaker 45 What were you going to do with her?

Speaker 138 I just get drinks at Los Perlas.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 138 Talk and chit-chat and stuff.

Speaker 150 How does that normally go for you?

Speaker 45 You seem like you'd be an awkward date.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that happens.

Speaker 138 I'm an acquired taste.

Speaker 151 Uh-huh.

Speaker 138 Typically, they have to, if they like me a lot, it's great. If I have to win them over, there's no way and chance in the way in how I'm doing that.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 135 Let's get back to the Jew hate.

Speaker 78 How old are you?

Speaker 79 30.

Speaker 2 Hey, you're cute. That hair.

Speaker 66 You got like a threw me off.

Speaker 154 Yeah, you're a handsome guy.

Speaker 117 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 45 Look at that.

Speaker 150 Looks like he found a date after all.

Speaker 71 Shane, Shane wants to get some drinks at Pearl is after that.

Speaker 68 To keep the Jew shit alive, we'll run a train on you.

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Absolutely.

Speaker 37 I'm not going to say who, but two of the panelists have gas tonight.

Speaker 138 Going from a canceled date to being gangbanged by Protect Our Parks is not how I thought tonight was going to go.

Speaker 89 Hey.

Speaker 36 That's how we met Rogan.

Speaker 5 How else has comedy been going, Andrew Tarr?

Speaker 72 What else is happening out there?

Speaker 138 Just opening up for...

Speaker 138 A couple of local people, opening up for a couple of...

Speaker 64 Going on the road? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 44 Where have you been? What do you like? What do you hate?

Speaker 68 Oklahoma City, Tulsa.

Speaker 138 I mean, I like anywhere that'll have me. Uh, can't exactly be picky, uh,

Speaker 97 right?

Speaker 138 So, just one state up, just a few hours away, yeah, yeah, then like San Diego, where I'm from, so I'll do spots between there and there.

Speaker 109 Okay, do you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells one retard?

Speaker 30 That is incredible, he is correct.

Speaker 16 I can confirm that.

Speaker 28 I'm looking at the name,

Speaker 58 retard is in there,

Speaker 16 Juan Retard, W-A-N retard.

Speaker 92 That is incredible.

Speaker 146 How did you know that? I don't know.

Speaker 32 It's like insult rain man over here.

Speaker 156 Did you know that

Speaker 156 according to your zip code, if you translate it to Morris code, it spells out f.

Speaker 88 Wow. Anyone call you Tard?

Speaker 138 Oh, all the time, but I've never heard the one retard. I don't know how I'm just now hearing that after 30 years.

Speaker 130 It'll happen from now on. This is a pretty popular show.

Speaker 10 One retard.

Speaker 144 Oh, cool.

Speaker 138 I got a new credit.

Speaker 158 You might know this guy as the one retard from Gil Tony.

Speaker 105 Yep.

Speaker 43 Well, from one retard to another,

Speaker 86 you did very good tonight.

Speaker 84 You have a big joke book?

Speaker 5 No, I don't. You've only gotten small joke books before.

Speaker 138 No, the last time I was on the show, you didn't have the joke books yet.

Speaker 2 Oh, really?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 130 Well, who's the Jew now, Tony?

Speaker 21 I am.

Speaker 52 Because I don't even pay for these.

Speaker 24 These are made by the great Bones Eye.

Speaker 96 They're available at killmerch.com.

Speaker 30 Here's a big joke book.

Speaker 112 Andrew, I'd love to have you on the secret show, man.

Speaker 26 Whoa.

Speaker 100 Booked on the road.

Speaker 17 One retard, aka

Speaker 69 Andrew Tar.

Speaker 69 Whoa,

Speaker 50 there she is, the lovely Heidi

Speaker 32 adding a little mustard to this sausage fest.

Speaker 68 Can I get a cigar?

Speaker 45 Do you guys have cigars back there?

Speaker 159 Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 97 All right.

Speaker 125 Hell yeah. What do you guys for a cigar?

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 78 Yeah, you're going to pull a Bill Clinton over there?

Speaker 105 What's going on?

Speaker 159 That's a good idea.

Speaker 68 Belgium's on the dress.

Speaker 87 Yeah, he's going to get one, too.

Speaker 139 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 160 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 79 He's going the distance.

Speaker 5 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 47 When it started to change, it was queer.

Speaker 139 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 142 Now, Charlie's sober.

Speaker 139 He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 160 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 139 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 160 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 151 Somebody call action.

Speaker 142 Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 129 If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoking special edition gold sauce is here.

Speaker 129 Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Speaker 37 Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name, and it looks like the type of name that I like out of a bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Big Vinny.

Speaker 97 Big Vinny.

Speaker 161 Let's see what happens here.

Speaker 162 Oh, yeah. Big Vinny.

Speaker 163 Hello, great people of Austin, Texas,

Speaker 163 and Mexicans.

Speaker 163 Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are make-a-wish kids?

Speaker 163 Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody. Like making Suicide Hotline go straight to Mr.
Beast.

Speaker 163 Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish.

Speaker 163 Imagine you're the make-a-wish kid's dad, $50,000 in debt, swimming in medical bills, and your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time.

Speaker 153 You're in the room crying.

Speaker 110 That's so cute.

Speaker 163 Close the door, walk out.

Speaker 105 That sick sack of shit

Speaker 105 could have cleared my fucking debt.

Speaker 153 I would have brought him to the fucking theater one more time.

Speaker 163 I'm very Italian.

Speaker 163 There's more to that joke. Do you want me to finish it?

Speaker 163 So, yes, my father did beat my mother within an inch of her life.

Speaker 16 All right, all right.

Speaker 5 So, you went over the time there.

Speaker 163 Big Vinny. Fuck yeah.
What's happening?

Speaker 110 You're really Italian?

Speaker 163 Yep, and I love you guys, all of you.

Speaker 108 Fucking Tucker Parks is my fucking shit.

Speaker 108 He's the fucking man. Okay, all right.
You're the fucking goat.

Speaker 74 Okay, relax.

Speaker 54 And you're a fucking pig.

Speaker 92 All right.

Speaker 50 Welcome, welcome, Big Binny.

Speaker 68 He's a guinea pig.

Speaker 63 He is.

Speaker 166 Mark Normand.

Speaker 4 I love it.

Speaker 3 What the fuck are you wearing?

Speaker 27 What is that?

Speaker 163 It's a, you know, a parachute, you know, so I can save myself if I fall from a high building if I want to kill myself after this, you know?

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 91 We'll see how it goes.

Speaker 163 It's been going well.

Speaker 167 I love you guys.

Speaker 117 I don't think you need to jump off that high of a building to kill yourself, by the way.

Speaker 31 The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Speaker 88 I think you could jump off the trunk of a car and fucking explode like a blueberry.

Speaker 135 You are a big boy.

Speaker 84 How much do you weigh, Big Benny?

Speaker 163 I haven't been weighed in a while. I'm excited.

Speaker 73 Well, we got a scale for that, everybody.

Speaker 50 We got a scale for that.

Speaker 88 Let's get.

Speaker 81 Let me do a guess.

Speaker 89 Take this.

Speaker 76 All right, let's guess. Don't say it.

Speaker 64 Don't say it.

Speaker 2 All right. Don't

Speaker 63 say it.

Speaker 32 Okay, let's start with Mark Norman.

Speaker 68 Guess first.

Speaker 104 I'm going to go with the

Speaker 119 418.

Speaker 33 418, that's a good guess.

Speaker 2 Ari Shafir.

Speaker 109 I'm gonna say 375, same as Red Band.

Speaker 50 375, I love the music coming from the horn players.

Speaker 135 Wait a second, Big Binny.

Speaker 114 325.

Speaker 121 325?

Speaker 63 What are you talking about?

Speaker 88 How tall are you?

Speaker 78 6'3.

Speaker 105 6'3, not a 5.

Speaker 2 335.

Speaker 36 335.

Speaker 71 A very going price is right style over there.

Speaker 52 335.

Speaker 63 One.

Speaker 2 One.

Speaker 71 Wait, Big Binny, don't don't stand on it yet.

Speaker 90 I have never seen an obese guy this excited to step on a scale.

Speaker 145 When he stood on it for a second, the scale said, Help me.

Speaker 162 Normal.

Speaker 117 Red band.

Speaker 60 I'm guessing 420.

Speaker 91 Ooh, 420 is a good guess.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 169 I'm going to take the over in this.

Speaker 36 I'm going to go 421.

Speaker 2 You fan.

Speaker 75 Fuck our advanced back.

Speaker 52 345.

Speaker 117 And now. No, three.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 96 I think you have a good chance of 342.

Speaker 53 342.

Speaker 63 I triggered my money.

Speaker 36 You're at 335.

Speaker 2 I'm done.

Speaker 90 Ladies and gentlemen, this is that moment.

Speaker 58 Big Vinny steps on the scale.

Speaker 20 Let's see what happens.

Speaker 122 Mark, what do we got over there?

Speaker 102 No. You got...

Speaker 68 Wait a minute. Try again.
It's malfunctioning.

Speaker 105 Hold on.

Speaker 170 It says the time.

Speaker 81 It's on central.

Speaker 35 I think that's when you die.

Speaker 128 Hold on.

Speaker 59 Where's the producers here?

Speaker 168 What is it?

Speaker 92 Play with that.

Speaker 90 Hold on. Here's Heidi.

Speaker 128 Oh.

Speaker 51 Wait, we got to put it on pounds.

Speaker 16 KG.

Speaker 92 He was on kilograms.

Speaker 90 Somehow they knew.

Speaker 25 All right.

Speaker 34 Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most morbidly obese people we've ever had on this show.

Speaker 95 Stepping on a scale.

Speaker 36 We're way off.

Speaker 61 365.

Speaker 171 Whoa, 365.

Speaker 96 That would mean that technically Shane Gillis wins with a 335.

Speaker 32 Ari overbid.

Speaker 171 Ari's closest, but this is the price is right rules.

Speaker 136 And the weight is great, one could say.

Speaker 157 You're incredibly not as fat as you look.

Speaker 91 Maybe you should stop wearing family tents.

Speaker 68 Yeah, you look like you're fumigating yourself.

Speaker 169 What do you do for a living, Big Vinny?

Speaker 163 Nothing right now. I need a job.
I could be a door guy anywhere. I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs.

Speaker 45 Like what? What do you mean? What are you really doing?

Speaker 109 How could you be a door guy if you get winded showing someone to their seat?

Speaker 163 I'm very athletic. I'll beat you in a race, Ari.

Speaker 125 Wait a second.

Speaker 69 Wait a minute.

Speaker 155 Wait a second.

Speaker 163 Garen fucking teeth.

Speaker 158 What? Fucking.

Speaker 163 I'll fucking dust you.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 15 Yes. Let's do it.

Speaker 26 Oh, bro.

Speaker 68 Be careful, Ari. This guy clearly stormed the Capitol.
So he can get those stairs in.

Speaker 163 Someone I went to school with did, but not me.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 146 Capital Grill.

Speaker 27 Did you play football somewhere?

Speaker 36 Yes. Where?

Speaker 78 Brockport High School.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 30 Rockport High School.

Speaker 41 And how do you stay in shape?

Speaker 44 How could you beat Ari in a race?

Speaker 163 I always choose the highest apartments, so I have to walk up the stairs a forced workout almost every day.

Speaker 163 And I go to the gym every once in a while, and I run with my husky, and I think I can catch him.

Speaker 109 You run?

Speaker 173 Yeah.

Speaker 174 At the park with my dog. Wow.

Speaker 163 That's the only thing that forces me to run.

Speaker 148 You have a husky?

Speaker 5 Yep. So does he.

Speaker 80 Oh shit.

Speaker 117 Incredible. Incredible.

Speaker 96 So you don't have a job?

Speaker 53 Did you live in Austin?

Speaker 163 Yes, I've been living here the past two and a half months.

Speaker 136 So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job?

Speaker 163 So I worked at an auction house before I moved here.

Speaker 125 You're eating homeless people.

Speaker 108 Come here.

Speaker 163 Yeah, you step into their bedrooms really easily when you're walking down the street.

Speaker 36 It's like, wonder, another bedroom.

Speaker 110 Jesus.

Speaker 129 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 5 So what did you do at the auction house?

Speaker 136 Were you an auctioneer?

Speaker 163 So at first I started in the shipping department, but I had experience, but those bastards put me at the lowest rung.

Speaker 163 And then I became a lister and fucking, you list all the like the sports cards and autographed items, Takashi 6ix9ine baseball, shit like that.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 48 All right.

Speaker 61 What's your love life like?

Speaker 45 Are you out there crushing mattresses?

Speaker 163 I can work a bitch's clit really good, like a smudge on a window.

Speaker 135 Really?

Speaker 126 Yeah, you really are Italian.

Speaker 163 I have not gotten anything out here yet, though. I've been talking to ladies.
I could have secured some shit, but nothing yet.

Speaker 38 Have you kissed a girl in Austin? No.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 120 Two and a half months, no kiss?

Speaker 153 Nope.

Speaker 109 What are you doing?

Speaker 163 I was close with a black chick, but...

Speaker 4 Whoa.

Speaker 28 And then what?

Speaker 96 You called her the N-word and ran away?

Speaker 29 Is there a girl out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss?

Speaker 34 You know, we have some of the best fans out there.

Speaker 54 It has to be a volunteer.

Speaker 29 It's a segment on the show we've been doing for years. Is there a woman out there that wants to give this big

Speaker 28 and she's literally saying no, lady?

Speaker 131 We got fucking Jelaine Maxwell over here throwing her girlfriend under the bus.

Speaker 95 She'll do it.

Speaker 5 She doesn't even want to kiss this fucking guy.

Speaker 135 Is there a guy who will kiss him?

Speaker 76 This will be a first if there's not a woman with the courage to kiss this man.

Speaker 37 Is there really not a female that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss tonight?

Speaker 70 I'm only 365 pounds.

Speaker 14 Come on!

Speaker 56 Really?

Speaker 60 Is there the spider from Charlotte's web in the audience?

Speaker 104 White girls don't like me, Tony.

Speaker 110 It's mostly black chicks.

Speaker 176 I'm telling you, and there's like no, there's no sisters in here.

Speaker 81 Is there any sisters?

Speaker 81 Is there any single sisters in here? Come on.

Speaker 135 Don't talk. We're close.
All right.

Speaker 153 One of them's going to break.

Speaker 27 This is typical.

Speaker 23 Typical auctioneer problems going once

Speaker 114 I've made eyes with a couple girls that are clearly considering it. You've got a chance.
Now you just gotta wait them out.

Speaker 86 I got a bunch of girls looking down like they want to be called on at high school.

Speaker 88 They're just like, all right, never mind.

Speaker 10 I was wrong.

Speaker 68 Man, this is worse than when they think we're gonna play better.

Speaker 88 Oh my god.

Speaker 18 Wait, there's the woman that's gonna do it.

Speaker 42 Oh my god.

Speaker 7 Finally.

Speaker 7 Shy.

Speaker 30 This is incredible.

Speaker 25 While we wait for her to come around, she's a sprinter too.

Speaker 57 Oh yeah, look at this.

Speaker 42 Oh yeah.

Speaker 25 Let's see some tongue.

Speaker 42 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 23 It's worth the wait.

Speaker 93 And by the weight, I mean she's the same weight as he is.

Speaker 93 It's time to get another one on the scale, everybody.

Speaker 158 Here for his first Austin kiss, everyone.

Speaker 15 This is Big Benio.

Speaker 151 Oh, my God.

Speaker 151 Oh,

Speaker 35 my God. What a hero.
What's your name, lady?

Speaker 35 My name is Miss Shelby.

Speaker 32 Miss

Speaker 32 Shelby.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 10 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 37 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 53 Miss Shelby, how did that kiss feel?

Speaker 119 You didn't really kiss me. That's what fucking sucks.

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 Big Vinny says it there, Vinny.

Speaker 52 Big Vinny says he.

Speaker 89 Vinny, what's wrong with you?

Speaker 88 Vinny, kiss her. What are you doing?

Speaker 62 Why are you being a coward?

Speaker 169 Big Vinny, you said you could find the clip. Good fucking luck with that song.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah, I'm not. Wait,

Speaker 104 Miss Shelby, where are you going?

Speaker 36 Come on.

Speaker 68 Can we get you guys both on the scale?

Speaker 146 The scales of justice.

Speaker 163 Did I kiss a teacher? Are you a teacher?

Speaker 119 What the fuck?

Speaker 11 I'm a violinist and a teacher.

Speaker 2 A violinist?

Speaker 125 Oh, my goodness. Say chillo.

Speaker 88 What happened?

Speaker 153 There was no kiss?

Speaker 163 I did it for the show.

Speaker 173 I did it for the show.

Speaker 127 I'm not into you.

Speaker 71 Oh, big Vinny.

Speaker 23 Oh, come on.

Speaker 153 Vinny, you nasty fucks. Did you think one of these girls was going to be into you?

Speaker 14 I'm going to sexual beautiful chicks.

Speaker 63 You're going to do it for fun.

Speaker 2 She's beautiful, too, bro.

Speaker 26 Come on.

Speaker 104 Because you're asking why I didn't stick my tongue down your throat.

Speaker 107 What the fuck?

Speaker 121 I'm not going to.

Speaker 71 Come on, give him a hand job real quick.

Speaker 27 Let's make him come.

Speaker 177 Let's make this pussy come.

Speaker 107 All right. I have standing.

Speaker 54 How about a hand from Miss Shelby, everybody?

Speaker 17 Miss Shelby, you're a superhero.

Speaker 72 Thank you. Hell yeah.

Speaker 80 You wanted me to be mean.

Speaker 170 Big Finny. I wanted you to be mean, dude.

Speaker 80 Big Finny.

Speaker 2 How

Speaker 2 dare you?

Speaker 151 I kissed her, and then you're asking why I didn't go harder.

Speaker 135 Oh God, damn.

Speaker 157 I can get late, bro. I've been late.

Speaker 135 Don't need that.

Speaker 114 Vinny, it's been months.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 153 Vinny.

Speaker 153 I turn it down.

Speaker 107 Like, I'm not even fucking around.

Speaker 13 Oh, Vincent, Vinster.

Speaker 88 Don't lie to me, Vincer.

Speaker 163 I'm not going to take the lowest, wrongest shit.

Speaker 60 Why are we talking about this woman like this?

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 157 She was nice enough to come up here.

Speaker 104 She was nice. She saved you from an

Speaker 153 everyone was.

Speaker 157 It was sad when no one would kiss you.

Speaker 89 Literally, nobody wanted to kiss you.

Speaker 114 This woman came out of nowhere to save save you.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 109 God damn, Ben.

Speaker 68 You gotta go fuck her.

Speaker 121 Where'd she go?

Speaker 32 Give Miss Shelby one of these.

Speaker 16 Where'd she go?

Speaker 93 She gets a big joke book.

Speaker 35 You get a little joke book.

Speaker 71 How about that?

Speaker 89 Oh, and he didn't catch it.

Speaker 33 There he goes. Big Vinny, everybody.

Speaker 71 Beat it, Vinny.

Speaker 170 Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 10 Nasty motherfucker.

Speaker 114 Get him out of here.

Speaker 56 Get him out of here.

Speaker 25 Shall be, shall be, shall be, shall be.

Speaker 15 Shelby, shall be. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 26 All right,

Speaker 51 we're having fun in here tonight.

Speaker 131 Your next bucket pull, straight out of obscurity, goes by the name of Matt Bellic, everybody.

Speaker 127 Make some noise for Matt Bellic.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 115 I live in Austin now.

Speaker 74 I'm kind of newer here.

Speaker 178 Austin's a wild city.

Speaker 114 It is very weird.

Speaker 115 I went to a house party a couple weeks ago here, saw something I've never seen in my life.

Speaker 115 I walk in there, back of the house, I saw two guys in the back doing competitive rock, paper, scissors.

Speaker 114 Just

Speaker 62 throwing down.

Speaker 115 I thought it was a Texas thing. I thought they were playing for money.
I went to check it out.

Speaker 145 Turns out just two deaf guys on cocaine talking to each other really fast.

Speaker 119 They're just like.

Speaker 62 we partied all night.

Speaker 115 They called it a silent disco. That's what we did.

Speaker 178 We fucking got down.

Speaker 115 I got fat. Diddy's in trouble.

Speaker 30 You seen this?

Speaker 61 You heard about this? Diddy?

Speaker 92 This guy's...

Speaker 145 No, but one of the things he did, I didn't think was a big deal.

Speaker 115 He would hire these escorts to come to the house, and their job was to entice his guests to have sex with them, and then he would film them having sex without their knowledge.

Speaker 130 And apparently you can't do that.

Speaker 65 So, uh,

Speaker 145 but when I read that, I was like, Who is like, because he would try to like use that as blackmail on people, and I read it, I was like, Who's who's that blackmail for?

Speaker 102 You know, like, if I got a phone call one day and someone's like, We have a video of you and Dr.

Speaker 115 Dre double-teaming a hooker at Diddy's house,

Speaker 115 I'd be like, Can you tag me in that?

Speaker 13 Like, I fucking, you have the video, none of my friends believe me.

Speaker 11 Like, all right,

Speaker 22 Matt, about like

Speaker 43 I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't hear a word of your sat.

Speaker 67 Uh, Mark Norman broke a glass cigar case, and a lot of it, the shrapnel, went into people's drinks, and I'm making sure that the drinks didn't get drunk.

Speaker 109 It's literally on the can.

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 144 Drink it. Zoom.

Speaker 72 Drink it. Drink it.

Speaker 2 Eat the glass.

Speaker 168 I'll buy you one.

Speaker 68 I'll buy you another drink. Whatever that was.

Speaker 16 Sorry, I got it.

Speaker 62 No, I got it.

Speaker 30 Yeah, I'm protecting us.

Speaker 32 On a very Jew-heavy episode, I'm protecting us from losing it all here. I'm literally...

Speaker 18 Eat the glass.

Speaker 37 I have to tell our fan base, don't drink the glass.

Speaker 10 I'll represent you.

Speaker 91 I'll buy you another round.

Speaker 146 Don't you notice that?

Speaker 62 We're going to take this fucking thing for all it's worth.

Speaker 88 Eat the fucking glass.

Speaker 68 How much of that Holocaust?

Speaker 131 Just stop.

Speaker 51 Please stop picking it up.

Speaker 27 Don't even touch the glass anymore.

Speaker 135 Wow, I'm also cut.

Speaker 27 Oh, oh, no.

Speaker 116 Fuck.

Speaker 72 Unbelievable.

Speaker 67 So, Matt, how's it going, buddy?

Speaker 174 Going good. Yeah, going good.

Speaker 67 I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 115 11 years.

Speaker 82 Okay.

Speaker 4 Whoa!

Speaker 123 Big thing.

Speaker 98 You had a good reaction.

Speaker 123 Big dude.

Speaker 88 What do you do for work?

Speaker 115 Side gig, I sell t-shirts at concerts.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 47 You sell t-shirts at concerts. Merch, yes.

Speaker 115 This guy knows the technical terms.

Speaker 4 Absolutely.

Speaker 43 How's that been going for you?

Speaker 28 How old are you, Matt?

Speaker 115 I'm 35.

Speaker 117 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 94 All right. You look horrible.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 4 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 131 It's just your teeth.

Speaker 145 It's the teeth? I got bad teeth. And the wrinkles.

Speaker 2 The wrinkles. Fuck.

Speaker 5 And it looks like you change oil with your hair.

Speaker 16 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 16 Incredible.

Speaker 92 You have pro-wrestling, like wet, greasy hair.

Speaker 167 Where are you from?

Speaker 115 Chicago originally. Lived here for a couple of years.
Yeah, Chi-Town the House.

Speaker 135 I thought it was going to be somewhere greasy.

Speaker 81 Chicago's pretty greasy, dude.

Speaker 2 It's not Philadelphia or anything, but it's old.

Speaker 108 Whoa!

Speaker 116 Whoa!

Speaker 80 It's fine.

Speaker 62 It's fine.

Speaker 141 I was being nice to you.

Speaker 135 Yeah,

Speaker 114 you say something nasty like that.

Speaker 115 I'm a big Bears fan, hate the Packers. I'm very happy your Eagles took care of that last one.

Speaker 131 Okay, we're not talking about it.

Speaker 32 This thing fucking nice.

Speaker 2 No, let's talk bald. Tony, shut the fuck up.
We're talking bald.

Speaker 26 Barstool.

Speaker 32 Welcome to Barstool's Kill Tony.

Speaker 71 This guy's going to

Speaker 135 be pretty good. Yeah.
Hell yeah, bro.

Speaker 62 Actually, when's this come out? Monday?

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 114 So this will will come out when Notre Dame's playing. Damn, think about it right now.
Notre Dame's lifting a national title.

Speaker 18 There's a zero percent chance of that.

Speaker 88 So sick, dude.

Speaker 135 Can't believe we did it, dude.

Speaker 52 He's back. There he is.

Speaker 51 There's the new Notre Dame mascot after Monday's game.

Speaker 50 It's D-Madness, everybody.

Speaker 170 Holy shit. Is he all right?

Speaker 8 He takes

Speaker 8 he puts the two eyes at the iris.

Speaker 170 GG, you gotta talk to whoever's dressing you.

Speaker 16 You gotta have a chat

Speaker 89 because they're not telling you what that looks like.

Speaker 146 That's nuts.

Speaker 89 That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Who's dressing him up like this?

Speaker 86 He's dressed like in living color.

Speaker 89 He is.

Speaker 176 He is.

Speaker 109 You look like Kamala Harris trying to prove she's not Indian.

Speaker 68 I thought you were Nancy Pelosi kneeling.

Speaker 117 Oh,

Speaker 70 my God.

Speaker 115 This guy looks like shit for 35, right?

Speaker 64 Hey, come on, man. All right.

Speaker 52 Yeah, Matt, take it easy, dude.

Speaker 36 Come on, dude.

Speaker 133 Take it easy.

Speaker 10 He's fucked up.

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 131 that's just bullying.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 41 Matt, what's something crazy about your life?

Speaker 67 We'd be surprised to know about you.

Speaker 114 Getting married in March.

Speaker 105 Oh.

Speaker 89 Hey, what's his name?

Speaker 86 That's all right, man.

Speaker 62 Come on, man.

Speaker 146 That's what I do.

Speaker 63 One of the best comedians in the world.

Speaker 170 Got your ass, dude.

Speaker 114 There's nothing you can do about it.

Speaker 90 Getting married in March, huh?

Speaker 4 What does she do for work?

Speaker 115 She bartends here, Elena.

Speaker 62 Yeah, down here at the she gets all you guys drunk.

Speaker 63 That's right.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 44 And so,

Speaker 78 all right. What are your goals, Matt?

Speaker 114 Get married in March.

Speaker 60 Wow.

Speaker 80 Okay.

Speaker 114 Just trying to lock that down and then, you know, try to get less greasy, I guess, dude.

Speaker 1 What are you afraid of before I let you go?

Speaker 5 What scares you?

Speaker 2 Honest fear.

Speaker 45 You don't have to make something.

Speaker 82 Yeah, no, honest fear.

Speaker 115 I mean, it's a cliche. I hate spiders.
I know it's gay.

Speaker 130 I don't like them.

Speaker 179 Yeah.

Speaker 82 It's not gay. Big spider guy?

Speaker 36 I like a spider. You like a spider? Sure.

Speaker 3 Spiders are scary, bro.

Speaker 82 They are freaks. See? Yeah.

Speaker 115 Greece, spiders, Puerto Rico.

Speaker 117 Don't like Puerto Rico.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 22 There he goes.

Speaker 34 You have a little joke book yet?

Speaker 86 No, no, I do not.

Speaker 74 You don't? I'll take one.

Speaker 131 There he goes. Matt Bellic, everybody.
There we go.

Speaker 114 Cheers, guys. Thank you.

Speaker 114 If they would have heard your set, they would have liked it.

Speaker 10 It was funny.

Speaker 5 It was?

Speaker 63 Was it really? Matt, Matt, here you go.

Speaker 44 You have a big joke book yet?

Speaker 89 Yeah, yeah, it was good. You already have one from another appearance?

Speaker 35 There he goes. Matt Bellic.

Speaker 142 Bundle and safe with Expedia.

Speaker 143 You were made to follow your favorite band, and from the front row, we were made to quietly save you more. Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 143 Savings vary and subject to availability, flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

Speaker 180 Yo, this is important, man. Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called Pacebreakers.
The ones with all the pockets.

Speaker 180 I just got back from vacation, and I left them in my hotel room. And dude, I need to replace these shorts.
I wear them like three times a week. Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Speaker 69 Oh, also, my birthday is coming up soon.

Speaker 180 So, anyways, thanks, bro.

Speaker 85 Talk soon. Looking for your newest go-to's?

Speaker 181 Lululemon What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays every Tuesday? Head to Lululemon.com to shop what's new gear.

Speaker 69 All right, is Juan ready?

Speaker 69 Is Juan back there?

Speaker 2 All right, yo, we have it.

Speaker 33 We have a Juan.

Speaker 117 Hey!

Speaker 131 This guy was on an episode a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 37 I said that I wanted to see him again.

Speaker 19 A very funny first appearance.

Speaker 29 This is his second time on the show.

Speaker 96 So good last time that I gave him this appearance.

Speaker 79 Let's see what happens in the second ever minute from Juan Denmark, everybody.

Speaker 97 The return of Juan Denmark.

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 102 Holy shit.

Speaker 182 You know how to get black people and Nazis together?

Speaker 98 The Trump fist.

Speaker 78 All right?

Speaker 182 I love that fucking fist. He appropriated the Nazi salute and the black power fist all in one arm motion.
It was crazy, y'all.

Speaker 182 The only thing blacker than Donald Trump's fist are the list of all the people Kamala Harris locked up.

Speaker 182 I'm going to be honest, y'all. I think Kamala Harris is just Hillary Clinton and Blackface.

Speaker 182 I also think that Mexicans should have been the first slaves.

Speaker 182 You know what I mean? Like if it wasn't for sports, music, and the prison system, slavery would have been a terrible business decision.

Speaker 102 If Mexicans were the first slaves, there'd be skyscrapers in Nebraska, y'all.

Speaker 182 There'd be taco trucks on every fucking corner in America.

Speaker 182 And what if Asians were their first slaves, right?

Speaker 182 You'd be able to fit like five times as many motherfuckers under that boat. They got the perfect fingertips for cotton picking.

Speaker 73 And what's better after a long day of your Asian slave picking cotton?

Speaker 182 A nice rub and tug.

Speaker 182 My name's Juan Denmark.

Speaker 21 The return of Juan Denmark.

Speaker 29 You know what I love about you?

Speaker 76 Is you can be as racist as you want to be.

Speaker 19 I know, I love it, Tony.

Speaker 63 I fucking love it.

Speaker 105 Unbelievable.

Speaker 121 I fucking love it.

Speaker 60 This is black power privilege.

Speaker 89 It really is.

Speaker 92 It's black privilege.

Speaker 2 Black power privilege.

Speaker 39 Okay, I don't really acknowledge the power.

Speaker 120 Fuck yeah. It's limited power.

Speaker 2 It's like solar energy, if you will.

Speaker 8 That's true.

Speaker 182 We are powered by the sun, Tony. That's why I'm in Texas right now.
Absolutely.

Speaker 39 Shane asked me a great question while you were on stage. If you want to turn sideways so that the sun...

Speaker 27 Nope, put the jacket back out like

Speaker 27 that. Just face the other way.

Speaker 27 Yeah, it looked like you weren't wearing pants.

Speaker 63 Oh, dude,

Speaker 182 next time, if I ever get it next time, I'll come here naked, guys. Don't do that.

Speaker 109 Do it. I give you permission.

Speaker 81 You have to carry on the banner.

Speaker 68 Dude, are you from the future? You look like like Book of Eli.

Speaker 116 Slippers on, big jacket.

Speaker 68 You're like the Matrix James.

Speaker 60 Thank you.

Speaker 63 I appreciate that.

Speaker 109 We're a podcast. This show has really become a lot of TV on the radio.

Speaker 63 What?

Speaker 172 What does that mean?

Speaker 86 That's a lead singer of TV on the radio.

Speaker 122 All right. Hell yeah.

Speaker 182 What's up, Tony?

Speaker 3 So you're wearing like Daisy Dukes and a full-on jacket, a giant jacket with a big hood.

Speaker 60 I like to keep people confused at all times, Tony.

Speaker 182 Absolutely. You don't know what you're going to get.
You're going to get a school shooter.

Speaker 135 You're going gonna get a homosexual what are you gonna get yeah what are you gonna get Tony how you gotta shoot up a gay club

Speaker 80 whoa

Speaker 88 too soon got a little bit of everything you just seem like a cold gay guy

Speaker 182 honestly hey listen I'm not gay I'm queer all right there's a difference what is that what okay I'll explain it to you mr. Mark please okay listen I will a man but only if he has a vagina.

Speaker 182 Does that make sense?

Speaker 73 No, explain.

Speaker 27 Like you can have a face full of beard, but you better have a torso full of vagina, goddammit.

Speaker 79 All right, fuck him.

Speaker 18 It is incredible.

Speaker 33 What's the gayest thing you've ever done?

Speaker 182 Come to kill Tony and see you.

Speaker 10 Okay, what's the second gayest thing you've ever done?

Speaker 2 Tony's like fair.

Speaker 57 What's with the.

Speaker 182 Oh, I've watched two men have sex.

Speaker 170 Oh,

Speaker 91 in real life. In real life.

Speaker 182 Yeah, I was 15 years old.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 122 Let's get going, all right? P.

Speaker 2 Diddy party. Whoa.

Speaker 65 Close.

Speaker 182 I was walking downstairs to my basement, and I looked through the window of my basement, and my uncle was having sex with his partner, dude.

Speaker 49 You have a window in your basement?

Speaker 182 Back in the day, yeah, when I lived in Virginia, we had a house with a basement, and my uncle lived there with his boyfriend named Juan.

Speaker 182 Whoa, whoa, yeah, he had a boyfriend with my fucking name, dude. Wow.
Yeah, dude. And now I'm wearing these fucking shorts on Kill Tony.

Speaker 65 Fuck, dude.

Speaker 31 Damn. Fuck.
You found those on the floor at your uncle.

Speaker 36 Yeah, word.

Speaker 2 He couldn't put them back on after all that butt sex.

Speaker 28 I've never met many black wands before.

Speaker 182 I'm Cuban. I'm Afro-Cuban.

Speaker 117 Afro-Cuban.

Speaker 48 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 148 Yeah.

Speaker 45 What is the most Cuban thing about you, if you had to guess?

Speaker 182 I move my hips when I fuck.

Speaker 117 Whoa.

Speaker 8 Really? I do. It's crazy.

Speaker 68 Can we see that?

Speaker 60 You got to pay for that, Mark.

Speaker 131 We got some Cuban music for you here

Speaker 32 well we really can't see the hip movement with that giant jacket on all right you guys are awesome i love these niggas man

Speaker 7 uh

Speaker 4 juan remind us what do you do for work uh i go to school full-time to be a clinical psychologist that's right yeah absolutely yep absolutely did you get a what are you guys clapping for

Speaker 125 mental health clapping for yeah what are you clapping for

Speaker 114 It's a landmine. Somebody's going to be like, oh, I have a nice black.

Speaker 61 My doctor's black.

Speaker 62 Yeah. And then you're going to get in there.

Speaker 135 This guy is going to be crazy.

Speaker 105 Don't do the word.

Speaker 68 How old are you there, Obi-Wan?

Speaker 60 He said, what? I'm sorry. How old are you?

Speaker 2 31, 31.

Speaker 114 Really? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 125 It's the face of a black guy from the 70s.

Speaker 116 Somehow.

Speaker 146 It is true.

Speaker 2 Shut your mouth.

Speaker 81 She.

Speaker 104 Jav, Turkish.

Speaker 2 Jav, man.

Speaker 114 You look like a Tuskegee Airman.

Speaker 121 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 182 Minus the syphilis, guys.

Speaker 155 Minus the syphilis.

Speaker 89 That's one of my jokes.

Speaker 91 You do have an old soul.

Speaker 117 You have an old soul, is the dudes say.

Speaker 3 Indeed.

Speaker 45 Juan, what are some hobbies of yours?

Speaker 182 I love to ride my bike.

Speaker 2 I love meditating.

Speaker 2 It is my bike.

Speaker 155 I think it was my bike.

Speaker 155 Hey, you snooze, you lose, dog.

Speaker 60 Yeah, I love to meditate.

Speaker 182 I love to meditate.

Speaker 182 I love to watch YouTube. I'm just a boring person, honestly.
I just keep it cool, man.

Speaker 45 What do you watch on YouTube?

Speaker 182 Podcasts.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 182 Mind fucking Jordan Peterson type shit. I just like smart motherfuckers, man.

Speaker 48 I love it.

Speaker 79 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 48 Yeah. Wow.
You are like a white guy trapped in the blackest body.

Speaker 142 TV and the radio.

Speaker 143 I love it.

Speaker 125 Fuck you.

Speaker 9 So, what are you most looking forward to helping people with psychology?

Speaker 5 Like, what's...

Speaker 182 I mean, I'm doing this shit for free now. I didn't really pick this profession.
This shit kind of picked me. So I was like, fuck.
All right. Let's get paid for it now.
Fuck.

Speaker 115 Yeah, so.

Speaker 139 We never picked you.

Speaker 115 Nah, it's the best.

Speaker 99 You look cool.

Speaker 68 You look like a leader of a cult 45.

Speaker 2 I'm trying. I'm trying.

Speaker 63 This is the start.

Speaker 104 This is the start right here.

Speaker 182 This is where I gain my following and then we go off into the woods in Utah somewhere.

Speaker 182 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Absolutely. I'm with you.

Speaker 130 This guy is cool.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 178 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 68 What's that button on your dick?

Speaker 2 That's a great question.

Speaker 182 It says real friend. This is my friend's merch.

Speaker 125 He told me to wear it, so fuck.

Speaker 182 I was like, I'll put it on my dick. You know what I mean? That's the best way of supporting your homies.
I know what you mean.

Speaker 59 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 63 We all know what you meant.

Speaker 2 If you really love them, put them on your dick.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 87 All right, Juan, Denmark.

Speaker 136 Interesting. Your first name is Juan, and your last name is Denmark.

Speaker 182 Yeah, Denmark is from Denmark Veses. He's a slave revolter.

Speaker 62 Right before he executed.

Speaker 121 What does that mean exactly?

Speaker 182 He was trying to get him.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Red band.

Speaker 93 Give me that.

Speaker 2 Red band with a home run sound effect.

Speaker 64 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 31 Here it is.

Speaker 154 Ready for it?

Speaker 79 Red band.

Speaker 99 Red band with a big funny.

Speaker 100 Big punny for red band.

Speaker 114 You just bought yourself another month, Red Band.

Speaker 59 Staying alive, dog.

Speaker 15 What's up?

Speaker 2 All right, you're the one who's going to be. Okay, there's two weeks.

Speaker 36 Two weeks off.

Speaker 89 You can natal success.

Speaker 73 One good joke.

Speaker 176 What's up?

Speaker 78 Unbelievable reference.

Speaker 95 What do you got?

Speaker 53 Another Charlotte's web joke up your sleeve for us?

Speaker 4 That was funny.

Speaker 41 I cannot wait to henna see what happens next with you, Juan Denmark.

Speaker 131 Congratulations. You already have a big joke, but we'll see you again soon on the show.

Speaker 25 There he goes. Juan Denmark, everybody.

Speaker 25 All right, back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 52 And your next comedian goes by the name of

Speaker 73 it will be the comedy stylings of Jake Coulter, everybody.

Speaker 162 Jake Coulter is next.

Speaker 117 Comes Jake Coulter.

Speaker 184 So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth

Speaker 186 about the girl with teeth in her Gucci?

Speaker 184 Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with the girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of like checking for monsters under the bed.

Speaker 184 But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole.

Speaker 184 Yeah, so now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first.

Speaker 184 So that way I can see what color her butthole is and know if looking at her black cat is gonna give me bad luck

Speaker 35 All right Jake Coulter out there eating pussy checking out buttholes

Speaker 109 Who did you talk to for research about those jokes about eating pussy?

Speaker 48 My dad

Speaker 111 Jake, you've been on this show before remind us how long you've been doing stand-up I just reached a year in september you reached a year in september

Speaker 114 and you have a little bit of what is it what is your impediment exactly remind us you have somewhat of a think i was on this episode and you said nothing right yeah yeah no there's nothing wrong with you yeah it's come on you were molested

Speaker 68 probably you're right you got molested face

Speaker 72 yeah you stayed young looking yeah

Speaker 64 you're trapped forever young

Speaker 88 Forever young.

Speaker 4 Forever young.

Speaker 39 Tell us about the molestation.

Speaker 184 Well, it all started when I was seven.

Speaker 33 Did something really happen to you?

Speaker 137 No.

Speaker 33 Did something traumatizing happen to you when you were younger, though?

Speaker 184 I mean, I dropped a bowling ball on my head.

Speaker 92 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 52 There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 63 There it goes.

Speaker 125 You dropped it on your own head?

Speaker 121 Well, okay.

Speaker 87 See what?

Speaker 2 Trying to hold it above your head?

Speaker 179 Well, no.

Speaker 184 See, what happened was me and my friends were like doing stupid shit at the bowling alley, being the annoying kids, throwing it halfway down the...

Speaker 13 You're so gay.

Speaker 81 You're clearly gay.

Speaker 135 I love that you're gay.

Speaker 114 He's not gay. He's not.

Speaker 2 No, he's nothing else. He's nothing, dude.

Speaker 33 He would never.

Speaker 43 There might be.

Speaker 114 I swear to God, he's nothing.

Speaker 8 There might be a dude's ass out there with teeth in it.

Speaker 114 You and your uncle were bowling.

Speaker 135 What happened? Oh, shit.

Speaker 58 How old were you when you were bowling this time?

Speaker 115 Probably about 13.

Speaker 64 Okay, so you're 13, you're out there being a bowler.

Speaker 186 Yeah, until I decided I was going to throw it over my head and

Speaker 186 I talk with my hand, yes.

Speaker 177 You don't just talk with your hands.

Speaker 120 You talk with an upside down, like, fucking...

Speaker 39 John Dees has pointed out that your neck is also gay.

Speaker 92 You do gay things with your neck.

Speaker 52 There is a little bobblehead fucking

Speaker 5 a bowling ball, and there's teeth in a pethyde.

Speaker 86 Just claim autism.

Speaker 186 You think that's crazy?

Speaker 114 Claim autism, avoid all this gay fucking bullshit.

Speaker 114 Yeah, I'm retarded. I'm not gay.

Speaker 135 You have to be one.

Speaker 59 You gotta be.

Speaker 25 You gotta have something, man.

Speaker 89 Come on.

Speaker 90 Yeah, you're totally not gay.

Speaker 63 Now tell us more about dropping balls on your head.

Speaker 68 When your uncle used you as the bowling ball?

Speaker 99 Ah, the old three-finger special.

Speaker 179 Oh, no.

Speaker 186 I just I tried to throw it over my head and went too far up and not enough back

Speaker 127 and

Speaker 50 okay, did you immediately get knocked out?

Speaker 179 No, it didn't hurt at all.

Speaker 30 Did you start talking like that immediately?

Speaker 64 Probably.

Speaker 114 Yeah, how were you talking before this incident?

Speaker 179 I don't remember.

Speaker 76 That's right.

Speaker 75 That's right.

Speaker 68 Damn, you got knocked into gay.

Speaker 184 Y'all keep saying I'm gay.

Speaker 179 I mean,

Speaker 135 uh oh wonder what wonder what's about to happen now.

Speaker 33 Y'all keep saying I'm gay by Tony already.

Speaker 117 These two divas going back and forth.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 70 You two queens.

Speaker 109 He's gonna scratch you.

Speaker 141 Don't say I'm gay.

Speaker 68 Attack me at your own wrist.

Speaker 168 Yes.

Speaker 123 What do you do for work?

Speaker 179 I'm unemployed now.

Speaker 61 Well, how did you lose your job?

Speaker 184 They didn't tell tell me they just told me that texas is an at-will state

Speaker 184 is an at-will state

Speaker 184 and they didn't need my services no more what was the job before uh domino or dominoes dollar general

Speaker 126 what dollar general dollar general wow

Speaker 99 oh my goodness yeah you're right you got fired from dollar general

Speaker 173 yes

Speaker 186 what's this what's the state have to do with what's an at-will state at-will At-will state means they don't have to give a reason for firing you.

Speaker 114 Now you could tell them, you could say, I'm a gay retardant.

Speaker 135 Oh, yeah, you should. Oh, yes.

Speaker 78 Good luck firing me now.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 114 You let your pride get in the way of a juicy lawsuit.

Speaker 26 Yep.

Speaker 141 You're right. You're right.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I might be gay.

Speaker 179 If I can sue him, I'll say I'm gay. Healthy.

Speaker 10 Don't believe it.

Speaker 141 I bet. I bet.

Speaker 135 Gays of the military.

Speaker 114 Your lawyer's going to go, Your Honor.

Speaker 70 Come on.

Speaker 145 You're like, don't ask, no need to tell.

Speaker 117 Sorry.

Speaker 153 Yeah, sorry, Mr.

Speaker 10 Bad.

Speaker 42 Sorry.

Speaker 126 I mean, I've been called gay my whole life.

Speaker 117 That ain't nothing new.

Speaker 154 Oh, okay, great.

Speaker 126 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 184 I just think it's crazy how his name's Tony, and his favorite place to be is on his toe knees.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy.

Speaker 88 Wow. Got his ass.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 133 I thought he got a bad thing.

Speaker 7 I don't think I'll ever survive.

Speaker 71 So

Speaker 2 how do you live without having a job? How long ago were you fired from Dollar General?

Speaker 71 You were fired today?

Speaker 63 Today.

Speaker 82 Today. Today.

Speaker 30 You went to work today and they told you your services are no longer needed.

Speaker 184 No, corporate called me and told me my services were no longer needed.

Speaker 45 How long have you been working at Dollar General?

Speaker 184 Since June?

Speaker 166 Okay.

Speaker 63 That's pretty long.

Speaker 64 Today.

Speaker 87 There you go.

Speaker 116 Whoa.

Speaker 25 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 120 Was that at a 10, Ari?

Speaker 2 Was that a $10 bill?

Speaker 109 It was a 20, but I thought it was a 1 until it was in his hands.

Speaker 114 But I felt wrong about moving it away.

Speaker 145 Now you've donated to a gay charity.

Speaker 26 That's right.

Speaker 184 Yeah, I just found out I'm gay, so if there's more money, I'll be gay.

Speaker 8 That's how it starts.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 19 Jake, what size joke book did you get last time you were on?

Speaker 184 I got a big one.

Speaker 117 Okay.

Speaker 10 I bet you got a big one.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 121 There he goes.

Speaker 100 Jake, your jokes cold.

Speaker 159 Your jokes were really good, though.

Speaker 79 You did good. That was funny.

Speaker 173 I thought you did good.

Speaker 125 Where's the big joke?

Speaker 79 What's your funny?

Speaker 159 The sad

Speaker 97 sweet kid. Sweet kid.

Speaker 159 It's kind of a sad turn.

Speaker 33 All right, let's do another special treat, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 99 One of the most prolific regulars in this show's history.

Speaker 33 I present to you a brand new minute from one of the hardest-working men in all of the Austin, Texas comedy scene.

Speaker 3 This is the return of Cam Patterson, everybody.

Speaker 175 I didn't even know Daughter General had like corporate nigga.

Speaker 175 I just imagine a guy like me, like, fuck, nigga, you're fired.

Speaker 175 It's over, boss. Get the fuck out of here, dog.
It's over.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 167 I was in LA. I was around the fires.
I was there.

Speaker 175 I blame the gays.

Speaker 175 That's who I blame for. It's funny because I was riding around and I seen like all the houses on fire and shit.
And you know what was crazy? You know, it was still standing. No, it was still standing.

Speaker 175 All the ash and the rubble and all the fire, what was still standing was brick chimneys.

Speaker 175 Why not make the houses out of that next time? That made

Speaker 175 the most sense ever, you fucking dumbass niggas.

Speaker 170 Hey,

Speaker 175 why would you make the house out of matchsticks, you fucking dumbass? That's crazy, dog.

Speaker 167 Also, it was funny.

Speaker 175 I was riding around and I saw a lot of people evacuating the houses and shit like that. And you know what I didn't see? A lot of dogs.

Speaker 117 No dogs.

Speaker 175 Yeah, you are, dumb white bitch.

Speaker 158 you know who happy asian niggas they are happy as fuck all right i'm done that's good get me out of here

Speaker 87 perfect

Speaker 114 why don't they make the plane out of the black box

Speaker 153 i don't know you ever think about that

Speaker 2 i don't know he's too young he would never have heard that no i know i don't think he's so

Speaker 82 i know it's just funny he's like yeah good question that is a good question yeah

Speaker 9 I

Speaker 43 love it, Cam. Right out of the dollar.
General thing.

Speaker 2 Funny, funny.

Speaker 44 Blame the gays.

Speaker 148 Black chimney, brick chimneys, and ended with Asian N-words.

Speaker 45 Yep.

Speaker 170 I was rushing this one.

Speaker 122 Beautiful.

Speaker 5 An absolute masterpiece.

Speaker 37 How's life going?

Speaker 136 You were just in L.A.?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 148 Tell us more about it.

Speaker 190 Shit, and then run around, run around for five to shit.

Speaker 175 Helps people out. That was cool.
My homeboy's out there, you know, so who dropped the water off, shit like that.

Speaker 78 You helping looting? Huh?

Speaker 117 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 175 Nah, but it wasn't Chase that was on fire, and I was excited about that. I was like, ooh,

Speaker 175 if I ain't had no money, nigga, I'll go get that.

Speaker 125 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 63 I think your hair got it.

Speaker 167 It seemed like a good idea.

Speaker 68 You still mad at Bart Simpson?

Speaker 167 What the fuck that even me, man?

Speaker 68 Sideshow, Bob.

Speaker 68 Character on the, you got to get a TV.

Speaker 170 No, I've seen it. I've seen the show.

Speaker 18 Okay. I've seen the show.

Speaker 175 I've heard it before.

Speaker 88 I got to loot a TV.

Speaker 80 Exactly.

Speaker 41 You really help people out there?

Speaker 185 Yeah.

Speaker 117 That's amazing. Hell yeah.

Speaker 5 You can tell you're still covered in ash.

Speaker 68 So Zari's dead.

Speaker 68 I love it.

Speaker 43 I love it, Cam. What else is going on?

Speaker 114 Hey, shit, you run around on the road, shit like that.

Speaker 45 Yep, you're crushing it.

Speaker 48 Life is good.

Speaker 45 Anything else from the panel here for Cam Patterson? He's did it again.

Speaker 114 Nah, Cam's a man.

Speaker 53 Super consistent.

Speaker 2 What were you doing, how were you helping people?

Speaker 175 What were you bringing? Well, we got a bunch of water and shit.

Speaker 125 You just bought a bunch of water.

Speaker 175 Yeah, and then like, well, nigga, they need what? It was on fire. Dickhead.

Speaker 80 They didn't need water?

Speaker 176 Bought a bunch of water.

Speaker 153 Now we got a bunch of water.

Speaker 175 And then like, it was people like helping out. So we bought them like plates and they can put food on and shit like that.

Speaker 190 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 62 Hell yeah. Still running around.

Speaker 148 How bad is it? Is it rough?

Speaker 125 Fucking shit. It is pretty bad.
It's pretty bad, obviously.

Speaker 135 It's pretty bad.

Speaker 88 Fucking literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Speaker 89 We need Cam.

Speaker 114 Somebody's got to put these fires out.

Speaker 2 I'm here to help.

Speaker 2 Cam.

Speaker 64 I love it.

Speaker 50 Cam, you fucking did it again.

Speaker 96 You are the man.

Speaker 50 Absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 20 A new minute from Cam Patterson.

Speaker 72 Watch it happen right in front of your eyes.

Speaker 8 One of the best work ethics.

Speaker 72 We were talking about it earlier.

Speaker 28 Him and Ari Maddie.

Speaker 5 Every night doing five, six, seven spots in this city.

Speaker 169 Your next bucket pull is from the inside, everyone.

Speaker 118 It could be one of you.

Speaker 37 Ladies and gentlemen, your first inside-the-room bucket pull tonight goes by the name of Joe Bean, everyone.

Speaker 97 Joe Bean. Where are you at, Joe?

Speaker 83 Is he here? Oh my goodness, here he comes.

Speaker 99 Joe Bean.

Speaker 99 Hell yeah, here he comes.

Speaker 87 You guys still having fun out there, huh?

Speaker 87 Yeah!

Speaker 105 Shame,

Speaker 11 no tickly, shame.

Speaker 79 Oh, he looks tickly.

Speaker 23 Come on, make some noise for the inside zone, Joe Bean.

Speaker 104 What's up, Comedy Mothership?

Speaker 102 My name is Joe B, and I got a question for y'all.

Speaker 191 And have y'all ever grown up skinny in a fat-ass Mexican family?

Speaker 191 Hell no, a bunch of white folks here tonight. Oh, there's a Mexican right fat.

Speaker 126 Never mind.

Speaker 191 Let me tell y'all what it's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family.

Speaker 102 Man, we get shit on.

Speaker 191 My grandma used to call me skin and bones when I was a kid. I'm like, come on, grandma, you're skinny as fuck, too.

Speaker 79 The fuck?

Speaker 191 My grandma's dead now.

Speaker 191 I'm like, who's the skin and bones now, grandma?

Speaker 191 No, but I imagine growing up skinny in a Mexican family is a lot like growing up light skin in a black family.

Speaker 191 They get shit on too.

Speaker 191 They definitely get shit on too, right?

Speaker 102 But I have a theory.

Speaker 102 I think it's mainly because I think they're jealous. Like my family, I think it's just that they're jealous, right?

Speaker 191 Because physically, scientifically, they can't get any lighter, right? They're just mad. They're fucking mad.
The same as my fat ass cousins, right? There's nothing they can do to get any lighter.

Speaker 191 These motherfuckers eat Ozempic for dinner and lose a single fucking pound. All right, man, that's Joe Bean, that guy.

Speaker 17 Joe Bean, shockingly good for an inside-the-room bucket pull.

Speaker 109 Great, great, great setups.

Speaker 81 A lot of good setups.

Speaker 81 Yeah, setup after setup.

Speaker 27 Great premises.

Speaker 57 Yeah. Stop with the setups.

Speaker 114 The jokes, we'll find them.

Speaker 135 It did.

Speaker 32 You gotta laugh off of just laughing about it being like light-skinned people in a black family.

Speaker 114 The point to the because I was in direct eye line of you pointing at the Mexican guy and you called him fat.

Speaker 170 He literally was like.

Speaker 86 The fuck, dude.

Speaker 114 I'm the only one trying to help you.

Speaker 2 He's fat, though.

Speaker 64 You are thick.

Speaker 125 You could slip right through a border wall.

Speaker 74 It is incredible.

Speaker 96 How long have you been doing stand-ups?

Speaker 191 About a year and and a half.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 45 And how long have you been a championship horse rider?

Speaker 10 All my life, Tony.

Speaker 27 Is that really?

Speaker 71 Do you do that? You say

Speaker 177 that is your calling.

Speaker 91 Do you know that?

Speaker 114 You do have a full jockey head.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 88 Jockey body, jockey head. That's all you do.

Speaker 191 I say 5'6 on my

Speaker 117 255. Come on.

Speaker 64 5'5.

Speaker 2 You're a hood ornament.

Speaker 117 Wait.

Speaker 72 Hold on a second.

Speaker 146 Get the tape measure.

Speaker 54 Did you just say you say that you're 5'6 ⁇ , but you're really 5'5 ⁇ ?

Speaker 191 I got a cousin fights in the UFC. I'm taller than him.

Speaker 52 Yes, there are weight divisions in the UFC.

Speaker 44 Oh, get off your toes, Joe.

Speaker 135 Joe Bean.

Speaker 118 I'm on the toes. How much do you weigh?

Speaker 78 How much do I weigh?

Speaker 79 About 120.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How much do you weigh? Ask me how old I am.

Speaker 67 I'm about 150-something now.

Speaker 185 Wow. How old are you? Not bad.

Speaker 117 41. Wow.

Speaker 78 Look at that. 41 years old.

Speaker 191 I got a 22-year-old.

Speaker 121 He's sitting right there.

Speaker 2 Your son is

Speaker 16 22.

Speaker 104 22 years old, yeah.

Speaker 89 Oh, god damn it, Yoni.

Speaker 121 Come on, Yoni.

Speaker 155 You're not supposed to listen to him.

Speaker 10 No, this is.

Speaker 117 Shoes on or off?

Speaker 191 Shoes off? Shoes off?

Speaker 8 Shoes off, Joe.

Speaker 95 What kind of shoes are you wearing over there?

Speaker 89 No Zapodos. He's got some wigs on the shop.

Speaker 32 Oh, shit.

Speaker 34 No, Joe, stand up.

Speaker 114 Take those Zapodos off.

Speaker 54 And take off that hat.

Speaker 37 Go to the top of his head, Yoni.

Speaker 16 Get that hat. Take that as a pharaoh.

Speaker 120 Take off the hat.

Speaker 33 We don't know what's in there oh there it is yoni getting a good measurement here what do we got my guess is five four

Speaker 13 five three

Speaker 59 five four and a quarter quarter and bad news ari just picked up that quarter that quality

Speaker 191 I'm still gonna put five five on Tinder now. Yeah, you're fine.

Speaker 13 Fuck that.

Speaker 26 You're five five.

Speaker 72 What nationality are you?

Speaker 82 You haven't mentioned it.

Speaker 135 Yeah. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 33 His last name is fucking

Speaker 176 Bean.

Speaker 69 Come on.

Speaker 53 Is Bean short for something?

Speaker 124 Beaner. There you go.

Speaker 179 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 191 That was my nickname for years.

Speaker 183 And then I started getting white friends.

Speaker 121 And they were like, I can't do that.

Speaker 2 I can't call you Beaner.

Speaker 86 Wait, you had Mexicans calling you Beaner?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 153 Oh, we're the most racist people ever.

Speaker 13 I know, but you know.

Speaker 36 But it's cool, right?

Speaker 121 We love the Mexicans.

Speaker 86 You said

Speaker 68 you guys will be leaving soon.

Speaker 89 But, you know.

Speaker 68 Hey, I don't make the rules.

Speaker 104 I got two weeks.

Speaker 16 I got two weeks.

Speaker 36 You have a 22-year-old son?

Speaker 2 I have a 22-year-old.

Speaker 3 How old are you?

Speaker 179 I'm 41.

Speaker 48 41 and 19.

Speaker 3 Incredible.

Speaker 148 See, you did what young people do.

Speaker 121 That's right.

Speaker 41 You just made a baby as fast as you can.

Speaker 191 But I raised him on my own.

Speaker 119 So I did the opposite, right?

Speaker 183 I was actually a father all his life, right?

Speaker 24 It's incredible that he had someone to look down to his whole life.

Speaker 89 Son of a bitch.

Speaker 27 You little shit.

Speaker 153 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 114 But

Speaker 114 you're Mr. Bean?

Speaker 63 I'm Mr. Bean.

Speaker 81 Oh, my God.

Speaker 191 I actually was going to sign up as the Bean. The Bean? The Bean that Tony doesn't know

Speaker 135 about, but they didn't let me.

Speaker 191 They said, you got to sign up as what you go up as a cook.

Speaker 2 Bean Bean's great.

Speaker 125 Mr. Bean's nice.

Speaker 82 Yeah, Mr. Bean's funny.
Mr.

Speaker 115 Bean's hilarious.

Speaker 191 Yeah, I talk a lot more than that motherfucker.

Speaker 188 I tell you what.

Speaker 68 Unfortunately.

Speaker 39 So what do you do for work being such a shit?

Speaker 191 I'm an IT operations manager. A what?

Speaker 183 IT operations manager.

Speaker 117 Okay, that makes sense.

Speaker 114 Do you actually crawl in the computers?

Speaker 114 Do they send you in the desktops?

Speaker 155 Do you eat the computers, you motherfuckers?

Speaker 89 No, mine was funny, bitch.

Speaker 63 I know.

Speaker 121 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 73 You'll never get my tests.

Speaker 81 I like those cookies.

Speaker 73 Yeah,

Speaker 183 I produce podcasts as well.

Speaker 191 You know, I produce two podcasts

Speaker 2 on the side.

Speaker 130 You should have red bit on your secret.

Speaker 124 And then I have two young young kids.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 48 Look at that. Yeah.

Speaker 39 Wow, two beans on a pod.

Speaker 5 So, what does your son do for work?

Speaker 45 We know that a 22-year-old, that means that he's been working for at least 13 years.

Speaker 72 So, what is that?

Speaker 191 Bro, I have my first job at 10 years old. My son, he works on cabinets for work.

Speaker 187 Oh, yeah, construction.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 141 Does he live in one?

Speaker 2 Did he sign up to build mine? He doesn't do stand-up, right?

Speaker 191 No, he doesn't do stand-up.

Speaker 39 How tall is he?

Speaker 191 He's my height.

Speaker 74 Probably exactly.

Speaker 131 I'll bet you he's a little bit taller. Does anyone want to bet?

Speaker 114 He's trying to yell out and say, I'm taller.

Speaker 34 Come on up here, little bean. Yeah!

Speaker 19 It's a family, a family.

Speaker 69 Thank you, bro.

Speaker 121 Oh, fuck yeah, man.

Speaker 128 Oh, look at bro.

Speaker 191 We've been to fucking both, both HEB arena shows with him, man. He's got the fucking, he's got the tickets to both of those shows, bro.

Speaker 84 But this right here is so much different.

Speaker 191 It's so much fucking better.

Speaker 149 It's so much like intimate.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 34 Horn players, you know, when it's getting a little too Mexican, they start playing the fucking Mexican.

Speaker 176 I just want to thank you, Donnie.

Speaker 133 This is like a big deal.

Speaker 72 There you go.

Speaker 15 There he is.

Speaker 50 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 10 Oh,

Speaker 171 dude, I guess you guys are about the same height.

Speaker 76 Look at this.

Speaker 68 All these beans, we need some rice.

Speaker 135 That's rice.

Speaker 27 So wait,

Speaker 13 make it official?

Speaker 121 Yoni?

Speaker 137 You're going to make it official?

Speaker 130 Hey, little beaner, let me ask you a question.

Speaker 109 Look this way. Your mom is Jewish?

Speaker 89 Oh, my God.

Speaker 155 She is?

Speaker 83 Is she really?

Speaker 117 Yes!

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 63 That is incredible.

Speaker 41 Ari Shafir, with just using his massive nose, is able to guess and smell who's rude with your nose up, bro.

Speaker 104 He's amazing with money, too.

Speaker 191 He's fucking amazing with money.

Speaker 114 Let's measure noses.

Speaker 89 Yeah, let's measure noses.

Speaker 16 Oh,

Speaker 10 I like that.

Speaker 81 What are we going to do? Water displacement?

Speaker 109 If somebody put a dollar bill in the back and hide it, we'll smell where it is.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 31 The bean doesn't fall far from the tree here.

Speaker 136 What's your name, little Bean?

Speaker 84 Alex. Alex Bean.

Speaker 74 Alex Bean.

Speaker 84 Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 What was it like having a father like Joe?

Speaker 39 Now's your chance to tell the world.

Speaker 189 I mean, pretty much like you said, I get to look down to him.

Speaker 62 You guys ever fight? It'd be like a fucking 12-round flyweight.

Speaker 2 You could be like a classic if you guys fought.

Speaker 109 When you were in school and you were young and you were bad and he had to hit you, did you just laugh?

Speaker 89 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 68 So your mom's Mexican, or your mom's Jewish?

Speaker 82 No, my mom's fully white, fully white.

Speaker 117 Oh.

Speaker 137 She just got the nose. Just the nose.

Speaker 68 Oh, I thought I was going to say that's a clean concentration camp.

Speaker 10 But, you know.

Speaker 100 But yeah. Half white.

Speaker 105 Half white.

Speaker 114 Half white.

Speaker 66 Is your Jewish?

Speaker 114 Is your Jewish mom still around?

Speaker 189 No, she's never been around.

Speaker 117 She's white.

Speaker 38 She's not Jewish.

Speaker 10 This is so bad.

Speaker 146 She's not Jewish.

Speaker 49 So the Jewish mom abandoned you.

Speaker 91 Yeah, two years old.

Speaker 114 No, you guys are lying. Was she actually a Jewish woman?

Speaker 117 No. No?

Speaker 135 All right, I missed that part.

Speaker 125 I'm sorry.

Speaker 84 But she was white, so I'm like...

Speaker 38 She was a honky.

Speaker 78 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 2 And she left.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she left. What? That's your day.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 121 She's about to tell you.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 29 That's That's

Speaker 136 so unusual. Why do you think she left?

Speaker 148 Were you a big crier?

Speaker 173 No.

Speaker 117 What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 119 No, I think...

Speaker 102 Why does he think she left? You want.

Speaker 38 Okay, let's hear both of your theories.

Speaker 27 I think my dad is a little dick.

Speaker 114 Well, it is genetic.

Speaker 121 So

Speaker 189 judging by me, I would say that's probably fair.

Speaker 48 It's probably fair. Okay.

Speaker 62 No, we were asking about your mom, no. Yes.

Speaker 191 Yeah, no, I think she was raised kind of by helicopter parents. When she became an adult,

Speaker 183 she got into the party life and then went wild.

Speaker 191 I was the opposite. I started partying when I was like 12 years old and I was done by 18 years old.
When I found out I was having a kid, I was like, all right, I'm going to be a father now.

Speaker 64 I think it stunted your growth.

Speaker 119 Fuck yeah, 100%, bro.

Speaker 112 And the Mexican didn't help either.

Speaker 126 Right, right.

Speaker 114 And then she kept partying.

Speaker 104 Yes. And is she to this day?

Speaker 114 Oh, she's still partying. Yes.

Speaker 45 You're in communication with her?

Speaker 79 No.

Speaker 39 How do you know she's still partying to this day?

Speaker 191 I don't know. I hear things.

Speaker 117 It's probably

Speaker 62 sounds like it's not really a fun party.

Speaker 114 It's one of those

Speaker 148 heroin.

Speaker 42 Right.

Speaker 183 Yeah. Scary parties.

Speaker 86 Sounds like it's a scary party, yeah.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 162 That's all right.

Speaker 80 All right.

Speaker 136 100%. Sorry.

Speaker 137 I'm feeling better already.

Speaker 68 You seem pretty well adjusted with the mom gone, the little dad.

Speaker 83 You're hanging over her.

Speaker 119 I appreciate it. I appreciate appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Hey, it's all look. All look.

Speaker 29 You make good cabinets?

Speaker 166 Always, always.

Speaker 2 Is it your own company?

Speaker 189 No, sir. I do.
I serve as cabinetry. Okay.
I'm as Mexican as it gets. They have me crawling in them, putting them up, everything.

Speaker 130 Absolutely. That's your only job?

Speaker 109 Do you ever work as an elf around Christmas time?

Speaker 119 Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. It's my only job.

Speaker 150 The old Mexican elf down at the South Pole.

Speaker 126 I'm a big fan of the beans.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 96 And I am as well.

Speaker 19 So much so so

Speaker 17 that I am giving you both a big joke book from the Great Bones Eye.

Speaker 141 There you go, one for you, one for you.

Speaker 10 Sweet guys.

Speaker 171 Absolutely.

Speaker 26 Thank you.

Speaker 88 Wow, yes, please.

Speaker 28 Hell yeah.

Speaker 63 From bean light to bud light for Shane Gillis.

Speaker 72 From brown claw to white cloth for Ari.

Speaker 64 Thank you.

Speaker 95 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of David Lynum.

Speaker 51 Everybody, David Lynum, what can possibly happen next?

Speaker 193 A school teacher in Florida got arrested for sleeping with a student last week. It's like a thing now, right?

Speaker 193 The teacher of the year's parents were outraged. They were like, how does something like this happen in our community?

Speaker 193 And And I'm here to tell y'all, who do you think is voting for teacher of the year?

Speaker 193 It's the students that are fucking the teacher. It's a hell of a campaign to go.

Speaker 193 I'm not saying there's a correlation. Look, I'm not saying there's a correlation, but it does seem like ever since this broke out, the school shootings have gone down.

Speaker 94 Am I right?

Speaker 193 It does feel like the teachers got together and they were like, hey, we can solve this shit in-house.

Speaker 3 You know, we can stop this.

Speaker 157 We're going to start a detention.

Speaker 130 We're just going to run it a little bit different.

Speaker 129 You know?

Speaker 193 my son sees this shit on the news I asked him the other day I said you ever fantasized about one of your teachers he's like dad you're disgusting no that's gross

Speaker 193 and I don't know if he's socially awkward because we homeschool him or what his problem is or

Speaker 193 roll tide right I mean if he can make his mom come at least somebody in this fucking house can get it done you know that's my time thank y'all David lynham with a funny set hello you're much funnier than you looked like you were gonna be when you came out I swear to God you see how slow it was at first?

Speaker 114 They didn't like it.

Speaker 64 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 114 Because of the earring in your ear and your hair.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 193 I look like the singer of Creed. I get that all the...

Speaker 122 Oh, he spit a lot.

Speaker 153 That was a...

Speaker 170 That's all right, that happened. Guys, I'm sorry.

Speaker 121 I'm a little bit drunk.

Speaker 128 I've been hanging out with Autistic People at Poor Choices for fucking two hours, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 114 Sky definitely rules.

Speaker 10 Yep.

Speaker 81 There's Sham Wow guys over there, if y'all want to know.

Speaker 193 The pitch guy.

Speaker 135 Is he really?

Speaker 133 The punched the hooker.

Speaker 2 He's walking around.

Speaker 78 Slow me.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 158 Get him over here. Did he see him?

Speaker 2 His handler is wearing a

Speaker 193 Sham Wow hoodie.

Speaker 37 He signed up for the show.

Speaker 193 No, he's over there fucking talking to people, dude.

Speaker 130 It is bizarre, dude. I'm so glad to be here with y'all, dude.

Speaker 135 I can't believe I got called.

Speaker 193 And on top of that, this panel's great, but god damn, I couldn't wait to get out of there, dude.

Speaker 130 He directed a movie I was in. Me and Adrian Brody were in a movie directed by the Sham Wow.

Speaker 90 How insane is he?

Speaker 32 Should we get him over here?

Speaker 89 You got to get him over here.

Speaker 34 All right, somebody go get the sham wow guy.

Speaker 69 Sham wow.

Speaker 34 You got to love it.

Speaker 32 Oh, random Monday night in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 170 Go find that guy.

Speaker 71 The sham wow guy.

Speaker 67 I got people in the front row drinking glass.

Speaker 84 Anything can happen.

Speaker 68 You could clean that up.

Speaker 54 David, tell us about your life.

Speaker 29 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 193 I'm a career drummer that quit

Speaker 193 a year and a half ago. to do comedy.

Speaker 91 I like comedy.

Speaker 23 A career drummer?

Speaker 193 I paid for my house playing drums and quit to do this.

Speaker 91 Well, boy, oh boy, do I

Speaker 144 do your job. No, no, no.

Speaker 29 We have a tradition on this show. It's called a Mexican drama.

Speaker 19 That's where we have a drum solo competition between two people.

Speaker 33 David, you're going to be going first here tonight.

Speaker 33 Here's the deal, David.

Speaker 96 If you win, you're the new full-time backup drummer for the band.

Speaker 8 Michael Gonzalez is playing a football stadium tonight. We are lucky to have the unbelievable stylings of Charles Reed as our full-time backup drummer.

Speaker 54 So you do about a, I don't know, 20 to 30 second long.

Speaker 41 Wait a second.

Speaker 76 Is he about to balance that?

Speaker 90 Oh my God.

Speaker 79 Wow.

Speaker 19 Look at that. That's his Ari Shafir impression, everybody.

Speaker 171 That's what Ari looks like without the drumstick.

Speaker 32 That is incredible.

Speaker 54 His new special, America's sweetheart, out tonight at midnight.

Speaker 89 Just any joke you make up me.

Speaker 172 Every time I roast roast you you get a plug

Speaker 90 You disgusting Jew at midnight America's sweetheart

Speaker 30 So anyway, if you win you're the new full-time backup drummer here in Austin Texas for Kill Tony and you get to do comedy in Austin Texas too.

Speaker 43 You know what I mean?

Speaker 33 That would make you here in Austin.

Speaker 20 So now is the time a tradition unlike any other okay it's in his nose though

Speaker 54 Charles Reed playing it cool even though that's very disrespectful.

Speaker 57 There you go. Oh, oh, oh, he pulled back on the fist bump.

Speaker 67 Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo.

Speaker 90 This is Charles Reed.

Speaker 90 He lost a stick. Oh, he's picking his nose.

Speaker 95 All right, there is David Lynum with the drum solo, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 72 Charles Reed, about to bury him with a shit.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be cool.

Speaker 32 The crowd's gonna go wild.

Speaker 120 Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne as the backup drummer, one of the great freak talents of this, the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas.

Speaker 27 This is Charles Reed.

Speaker 27 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 25 One of the most unbelievable ass beatings we've ever seen.

Speaker 26 Wow. Whoa.

Speaker 21 Hey. Yeah.

Speaker 109 That was a close one.

Speaker 126 I think Charles is better at drumming and comedy.

Speaker 5 Unbelievable.

Speaker 37 This is the first time I've ever seen a black guy put his knee on a white guy's neck before.

Speaker 55 Oh my god.

Speaker 134 That is incredible.

Speaker 130 Oh boy, oh my god, you see why I quit, right?

Speaker 193 Yeah, I paid for my house and got out of that industry.

Speaker 131 Charles, how do you feel?

Speaker 5 Oh, it's off.

Speaker 64 Okay, one better.

Speaker 43 How many of you have David Lynum winning that?

Speaker 67 Just a boo from the crowd.

Speaker 32 Just one boo. How many?

Speaker 78 Nasty motherfucker.

Speaker 57 How many of you have Charles Reed winning?

Speaker 25 But good news, David.

Speaker 8 Your set was good.

Speaker 29 Anything else crazy we should know about your life before letting you go?

Speaker 114 I worked for the

Speaker 193 drummer for Guns N' Roses for a couple of years.

Speaker 48 Okay. What was that like?

Speaker 148 Babysitter?

Speaker 109 Should you make him feel better about his talent?

Speaker 193 Hey, I'm telling you, it was a full-time job.

Speaker 48 Like, a lot of.

Speaker 37 What was the name of your band?

Speaker 193 Lynem.

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Called Lynem.

Speaker 193 You didn't name it last night. I didn't name it.
I didn't name the band. I would never name the band my last name.

Speaker 159 But you did.

Speaker 153 Yeah, but no.

Speaker 193 But then you did. No, no, no.
I did not. But the rest of the band called it that.

Speaker 94 We were last in line when they were going out band names, obviously.

Speaker 193 It gets misspelled on every marquee across the country.

Speaker 148 Yeah, a lot of marquees.

Speaker 130 Yeah, we did.

Speaker 73 We flew below your radar, but we made

Speaker 193 enough money to pay for a house in Alabama.

Speaker 90 Well, you just got beat by Biz.

Speaker 69 Alabama.

Speaker 43 You just got your ass handed to you by Biz Marquise.

Speaker 76 See, that's about as old of a reference as Charlotte's Web.

Speaker 8 We liked your set, though, David Lynam.

Speaker 20 Here's a big joke book. Congratulations.
There you go.

Speaker 42 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 17 On to the next one.

Speaker 35 We're flying through it here tonight.

Speaker 34 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of DK, everyone.

Speaker 120 DK.

Speaker 57 Thank you.

Speaker 72 Thank you.

Speaker 99 Here's DK.

Speaker 37 One more time for DK, everybody.

Speaker 20 These people wait all evening for this opportunity.

Speaker 106 Most people these days aren't too smart. The reason why I say that is because most people think digging is the way that you end up finding oil.
That's not necessarily the case.

Speaker 106 Another way is looking for terrorists and weapons of mass destruction.

Speaker 106 A little bit about myself.

Speaker 106 My birthday is 420. For most people, that's a day of celebration, right?

Speaker 106 But every so often I get somebody who will come and let me know, like, hey, do you know you share a birthday with Hitler?

Speaker 106 And I go, wow, that's an interesting fact.

Speaker 169 No one's ever told me that before in 27 years.

Speaker 106 And they go, how does it feel to share a birthday with such a bad guy?

Speaker 188 And I go,

Speaker 111 who, Hitler?

Speaker 106 And they go, yeah, Hitler is well known for killing 4.6 million Jews in Germany.

Speaker 188 And I go, okay, but like, what did he do wrong?

Speaker 106 For those of you who are smart in the crowd, you would have heard that joke and go, wow, 4.6 million, that guy must be off. But the thing is, I don't necessarily count the women.

Speaker 106 Thank you. I think I'm going to leave it there.

Speaker 57 Okie-dokie.

Speaker 93 Hell yeah.

Speaker 30 DK, fresh off of winning the drum solo competition.

Speaker 53 Dare I ask what DK is short for? Because I'm thinking of a video game right now.

Speaker 171 So

Speaker 68 I'm thinking doesn't.

Speaker 106 That's the first thought that usually comes out of people's mouths.

Speaker 62 I think it's for how you spell Dairy Queen.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 68 Spam Patterson.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 114 It's my son, Dairy King.

Speaker 106 I'm one of the ones that are good at spelling.

Speaker 5 What does DK stand for?

Speaker 106 It stands for Drama King.

Speaker 79 What?

Speaker 106 It stands for Drama King. That is what it means.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 114 Did your parents give you that or did you do that one?

Speaker 2 I did that one, clearly.

Speaker 91 Well, I don't know how clearly that.

Speaker 106 Well, my friends did that one, but

Speaker 2 I rolled with it.

Speaker 41 Why they be calling you Drama King?

Speaker 106 Because I'm a bit dramatic, Tony.

Speaker 41 Can you give us an example of a time in which you were dramatic?

Speaker 111 Yes.

Speaker 2 You got pulled over.

Speaker 106 I'm one of those guys.

Speaker 100 Oh, we're groaning now.

Speaker 90 Two hours into the episode, we're going to start groaning.

Speaker 67 I just called him Donkey Kong a second ago.

Speaker 32 Everyone was fine with it.

Speaker 135 I say he gets pulled over.

Speaker 67 The black guy just gave me a thumbs up. Thank you, sir.

Speaker 37 I can tell because the inside of his thumb is white.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.

Speaker 32 Oh, my God.

Speaker 22 I dug myself into a deeper hole.

Speaker 27 And now we're getting applause.

Speaker 70 Let's go.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 95 So give us a time in which you were dramatic.

Speaker 106 So the reason why I got this name is because I'm very emotional for a man. Like, I like to sit around with my friends and talk about God and consciousness.

Speaker 106 And I'm like, I think we should be loving each other. They're like, that's gay.
You are very dramatic for a man.

Speaker 64 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 106 Yeah. So, I mean,

Speaker 106 that's who I am.

Speaker 139 And I just, I roll with that, you know?

Speaker 79 You love it. Yeah.

Speaker 45 But what do you do for work, DK?

Speaker 106 So I work as a valet driver at this hotel up.

Speaker 122 Who the fuck would trust you with their keys?

Speaker 106 I definitely get a lot of side eyes on you.

Speaker 2 Mr. Drama King, please.

Speaker 153 No, no, no.

Speaker 106 My real name is Timothy.

Speaker 106 That's not a hidden fact.

Speaker 170 Timothy's nice.

Speaker 133 Drama King.

Speaker 153 You should be.

Speaker 104 No, but the people just call me DK.

Speaker 27 No, Drama King.

Speaker 37 I've gotten word that, Drama King, that you once tried to fight one of the nicest humans in all of show business, Yoni, the producer of Kill Tony.

Speaker 28 Would you like to tell us exactly why a man named it would take a man named Drama King to ever want to hurt sweet, sweet Yoni?

Speaker 106 As I said, I'm very emotional.

Speaker 100 What happened?

Speaker 111 Yoni told me,

Speaker 106 this was a while ago, so my memory might be a little bit scratchy.

Speaker 106 None of it was on Yoni. All of it was on me.

Speaker 111 Absolutely.

Speaker 63 I already knew that.

Speaker 3 Yoni, if you're wondering who that is cackling, that's Yoni.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 106 So I didn't know who Yoni was. He came and he approached me and told me to step off, step away from the sidewalk while smoking.

Speaker 114 Nobody tells Drama King to step off the sidewalk.

Speaker 19 No, no no that wasn't that that wasn't the issue i felt

Speaker 106 i felt the intention behind it was kind of malicious like i i didn't know who he was oh clearly he had the authority to be doing that and it made sense at the time andy's one of the nicest guys he is he is yeah i've had a conversation with him after he's a great man you thought it was some random guy telling you to get off the sidewalk

Speaker 106 yeah i thought it was somebody who worked at poor choices oh

Speaker 188 okay so all right that also would have been a weird like i'm not even in i'm not even at the building like i'm off to the sidewalk so Right in front of the door, I'm guessing.

Speaker 106 A few feet away from the door.

Speaker 43 Yeah, it's confirmed by Yoni.

Speaker 74 Definitely right in front of the door.

Speaker 37 What were you smoking?

Speaker 179 Black and mild. Crack.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay. No,

Speaker 106 it was definitely weed.

Speaker 5 It was weed.

Speaker 61 Yeah. That makes perfect sense.

Speaker 106 Yeah, I mean, I smoked a blunt with you about two and a half years ago.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. In your face, Tony.

Speaker 117 Damn.

Speaker 151 How's it feel?

Speaker 145 Where the fuck were you and Drama King hanging out?

Speaker 147 You know.

Speaker 13 You know?

Speaker 114 Where were you, Drama King?

Speaker 89 Were you at his apartment?

Speaker 80 Did he bring you?

Speaker 155 Did you guys kiss?

Speaker 114 Let me show you where I'm going to put the hot tabloid.

Speaker 31 Who's getting tickled?

Speaker 16 I would never get tickled.

Speaker 37 Where do we smoke this blunt?

Speaker 106 So it was at the back of the creek in the cave.

Speaker 86 That's where all the love making happens, Drama King.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 106 It was during a Legion of Skank show. You came out in a cowboy outfit.
There was pretty much no one

Speaker 89 sounds about right.

Speaker 35 We've taped a little episode of Broke Black Mountain.

Speaker 126 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 106 It was right after the ping day.

Speaker 63 So I was smoking a blunt, and you walked up and hit it.

Speaker 106 No, I was smoking a blunt, and I asked you if you wanted to hit it, and you were like, sure, man.

Speaker 63 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 57 I don't know why you had to do that.

Speaker 67 Voice, Drama King.

Speaker 114 God damn it, Drama King.

Speaker 68 You want to hit this?

Speaker 2 Sure. I'll fuck you.

Speaker 114 What else happened, though, after that? You guys, what would you guys talk about?

Speaker 60 What'd you guys do? So,

Speaker 106 it was right after Tony was going through a situation, and he was the pang dang you said.

Speaker 106 Yeah, we were talking about the state of comedy, etc. And he was like, Yeah, man, you know, people.

Speaker 88 All right, what's going on?

Speaker 25 Nasty motherfucker, Drama King.

Speaker 26 Come on.

Speaker 25 There you go, Timmy.

Speaker 42 Got you in one word.

Speaker 72 Two more, two more.

Speaker 13 Two more, Tony.

Speaker 111 I mean, this is wonderful.

Speaker 10 All right.

Speaker 128 Whatever, dude.

Speaker 106 Yeah, that was a terrible impression.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 161 Anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go, DK.

Speaker 61 Drama King.

Speaker 133 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 106 I mean, if there is anything you should know about my character,

Speaker 106 it's that I've done a lot of psychedelics, and that's just about it.

Speaker 105 Hell yeah.

Speaker 106 The only thing that I consider very significant, over 100 heroic heroic dose trips.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 3 Over a hundred.

Speaker 106 Yeah, like doing ounces of mushrooms. Wow.

Speaker 88 Drama King. Yeah.
That's too many trips.

Speaker 176 Yeah,

Speaker 13 it is a lot.

Speaker 106 But I'm here and I'm lucid and I'm cognizant. So

Speaker 16 you're not actually here right now.

Speaker 106 Must be some lies.

Speaker 2 Barely. Yeah.

Speaker 135 Yeah, you be tripping, dude.

Speaker 118 Yeah, I definitely do.

Speaker 106 It's one thing that I'm very known for, tripping, both physically and mentally.

Speaker 73 What the fuck was that, Red Band?

Speaker 106 Well, he doesn't even know.

Speaker 44 Red Band, that is crazy.

Speaker 135 Red Band, what did you just do?

Speaker 44 Have fun bleeping that in the edit, you creepy song.

Speaker 80 What was that? Holy shit, nothing.

Speaker 32 It was nothing.

Speaker 34 I ran out of big joke books.

Speaker 41 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 57 Thank you. There he goes.

Speaker 122 Drama King.

Speaker 141 On behalf of Red Band, I apologize. I didn't know what that was.

Speaker 25 Nobody noticed.

Speaker 86 Nope, we're not editing that out.

Speaker 141 We're going to keep that one in.

Speaker 112 Red Band, disgusting, Drama King, we all apologize.

Speaker 131 Sweet, sweet Drama King.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 48 What the fuck were you doing?

Speaker 145 What'd you think that was?

Speaker 159 I did it.

Speaker 50 That was actually a mistake.

Speaker 2 No way.

Speaker 126 When he was talking about Donkey Kong, I had it too.

Speaker 44 Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 96 Very good. Yes.

Speaker 38 Great.

Speaker 27 Let's talk about it for as long as fucking possible, please, everybody.

Speaker 18 Can we talk about it all night?

Speaker 114 I'm going to bring it up every time you can't edit it out.

Speaker 114 I'm going to bring it up five more times.

Speaker 88 Red Band.

Speaker 27 It's not edited.

Speaker 88 Only Red Band.

Speaker 78 Red Band pressed a fucking monkey sound effect.

Speaker 26 Red Band.

Speaker 86 Where are we at? Timeline. I'm going to edit this out.

Speaker 86 Now I'm going to bring it up.

Speaker 114 But Red Band literally pressed a fucking monkey sound effect.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 114 For one second, then caught himself.

Speaker 89 But it was just enough.

Speaker 135 You just heard that whack!

Speaker 86 By the way, that Donkey Kong sound effect.

Speaker 80 Donkey Kong.

Speaker 2 Rebin. Please.
Come on, man.

Speaker 30 For the love of God, everyone, can we please stop fucking talking about it?

Speaker 80 Can we move on?

Speaker 63 Stop monkeying around up here.

Speaker 173 Are we having fun tonight?

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what's about to happen.

Speaker 29 Austin is so crazy that sometimes you have special treats that pop in. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you here

Speaker 158 to be on the podcast for a bit.

Speaker 52 This is indeed the Shamwell Guy, Vince Offer.

Speaker 52 What's up?

Speaker 52 Hell yeah.

Speaker 87 Vince, grab that microphone right there.

Speaker 151 Right there, right there. It's right behind you.

Speaker 79 Get the mic.

Speaker 153 Wait, who's that? Oh, keep going. Keep going.
Wait, wait.

Speaker 169 Sham wow guy. Who the fuck is this guy?

Speaker 149 Like, you're a goat in insult comedy.

Speaker 137 I'm a goat in sales. It's not a big category, but I got to have a bouncer.
A bodyguard.

Speaker 68 Is that made out of Shamwa? Yeah.

Speaker 10 Oh, shit.

Speaker 137 And if I beat up hookers, I need the blood to be picked up by something.

Speaker 140 Hell yeah. But these girls are too beautiful to have beat hookers.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 I don't pick good hookers.

Speaker 137 Well, I'm trying to recruit Ari to do inappropriate comedy, too.

Speaker 87 So I got half a million dollars.

Speaker 88 Fire it up.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're too big now?

Speaker 114 You're too good for me.

Speaker 137 Ari's funny.

Speaker 59 Ari's funny.

Speaker 153 No.

Speaker 137 He's funny, but he's funnier in my movie, inappropriate comedy.

Speaker 48 Oh.

Speaker 45 Where can people find this movie nowadays?

Speaker 137 Where's inappropriate comedy?

Speaker 68 4chan?

Speaker 137 Hey, your producer didn't want me to come on your podcast. Really?

Speaker 3 I'm not talking to you.

Speaker 154 Oh, okay.

Speaker 110 I have proteges.

Speaker 30 I'm going to put my ring.

Speaker 68 I'm just kidding, Mark.

Speaker 137 No, no, he's my protege. He's a little, you know, he's, we're doing,

Speaker 137 what's great about him, he does rap, rhyme.

Speaker 117 Oh, no.

Speaker 137 Anybody's name.

Speaker 63 He's one of those guys. Rhyme.

Speaker 135 That guy, that guy, that guy rap.

Speaker 137 Change one of my...

Speaker 48 Yeah, go ahead. Do a rap.

Speaker 10 All right. Oh, shit.

Speaker 27 The Shamwild Guys, welcome to an episode where we've seen it all, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 177 The Shamwild Guys security guard is now going up here.

Speaker 147 Wow.

Speaker 137 And I'll dance to it.

Speaker 137 This is my first time on stage, so I'm very nervous.

Speaker 125 You're doing great.

Speaker 32 You're doing great.

Speaker 137 I just asked her to get a drink. Then you said we're going to kill the drink.

Speaker 99 You're doing great.

Speaker 162 Now, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 165 So, basically, my name is Sean Lennon. I'm from Brooklyn.
Then he called me up and said, we're going to kill Kill Tony. I said, no, phony.
I got some cowboy boots and a half button ran a roni.

Speaker 12 I stepped on a plane like, yo, let's go kill this Tony. Where's he at, bro? And I said, oh, shit, it's comedy.

Speaker 165 So I left it to my boy, the Sham Wow guy.

Speaker 12 He said, oh, my, but you didn't know me close guilt only. Said, why? We don't like rap.
We don't like that crap.

Speaker 79 I don't care if you're from Howard Sturge.

Speaker 12 Take it back.

Speaker 79 Yes.

Speaker 151 My truck.

Speaker 151 All right.

Speaker 68 Wow. Yikes.
Wow. He can do this all.

Speaker 165 It's like a hip-hop comedy show.

Speaker 122 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 114 It's a hip-hop comedy show.

Speaker 137 That is. Oh, but Ari, it's good to see you.

Speaker 82 He was in my film.

Speaker 36 I thought you were going to, I mean, you're.

Speaker 137 Me, you, Adrian Brody, Lizzie lohan that's my dude right there really adrian brody was like dirty harry but flirty harry make me gay you know wow yeah wow and we had ari

Speaker 137 no i saw ari doing all this racist stuff i'm i love racist stuff yeah

Speaker 91 well you're at the right show well i want tony to talk because i've always i've you know no you're doing great you you and your buddy are fantastic

Speaker 60 It is.

Speaker 30 You guys are like co-partners meets cocaine.

Speaker 131 This is incredible.

Speaker 82 You know what? People think I do drugs. I don't.

Speaker 140 Billy Mays did drugs.

Speaker 137 They always connect me.

Speaker 149 I'm getting a little out of this.

Speaker 135 This is not drugs.

Speaker 60 What is this?

Speaker 115 I'm looking pretty good at 60.

Speaker 137 Do I look good at 60? I don't know.

Speaker 125 You're 60?

Speaker 137 You're fucking 60?

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Shampoo. Wow.

Speaker 117 Wait, these still fucking hookers?

Speaker 137 You know what's funny?

Speaker 79 I have one at my home tonight.

Speaker 68 Wait, did you go to jail for that?

Speaker 112 Next question.

Speaker 54 Wow, the security guy, also PR.

Speaker 149 I have to leave now.

Speaker 68 No, hang out.

Speaker 126 This is fucking weird.

Speaker 37 Tell us, Vince, what have you been up to?

Speaker 2 Mark, I love Mark.

Speaker 37 Amazing, mythical creature.

Speaker 3 You're coming out with a new product.

Speaker 53 This is the first time I'm saying this.

Speaker 2 I love this.

Speaker 147 I love it.

Speaker 81 Right now, sell it.

Speaker 26 Sell it, baby.

Speaker 42 Let's hear it.

Speaker 137 And I want you all to buy it because I see everybody's white here.

Speaker 115 So listen,

Speaker 82 it's called the black.

Speaker 154 Wow.

Speaker 192 It's black, big black.

Speaker 137 The girls can take it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room, and it's big, black, strong, and it's diversity.

Speaker 37 The eye. So wait a second.

Speaker 185 It's basically a sham wow, but it's black.

Speaker 93 Oh my. So it doesn't work?

Speaker 86 Damn, you can't.

Speaker 121 It makes a bigger mess.

Speaker 124 Mark, being in the commercial?

Speaker 62 No, I don't want anywhere near that fucking thing.

Speaker 110 You're too wide. You're too white.

Speaker 84 Do you have have a catchphrase for Black Wow yet?

Speaker 139 Do we have a catchphrase?

Speaker 137 He's one of my co-writes.

Speaker 66 I lost him. Okay.

Speaker 144 Well, yes. You ready?

Speaker 135 Where's your co-worker?

Speaker 137 If you don't buy it, you're fucking racist.

Speaker 146 Oh.

Speaker 137 That means everybody's going to buy one. Come on, send the money up right now.

Speaker 63 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 39 We're going to raise some funds.

Speaker 84 Vince, where did you meet this white rapper?

Speaker 137 Okay, I used to have a movie called Underground Comedy. This is back in the 90s before Woke.

Speaker 137 At the the time, they were attacking my film. You know, I have Suit Models Taking the Dump, Dick Man Fights Lesbians, Miss America Bag Lady Pageant.
I think I told Ari about it when I did number two.

Speaker 122 It was wild.

Speaker 135 It was wild. It should look like

Speaker 135 that.

Speaker 137 And it's not even on the internet. It's so fucking messed up.

Speaker 140 So the critics all hated it because they're all woke in L.A.

Speaker 137 And they said it's the worst movie ever made. No one, it's not funny.
Come on, you're lying your ass off. But anyway, so I had to go into the street and promote underground comedy on the street.

Speaker 137 And then people go to the theater and we fill it up and I said what am I doing selling movie tickets when I can be on infomercials and that's how I got into the infomercials

Speaker 137 I had like a little DV player showing at people on the street got them into the theater and then I that's how I crossed into infomercials I said forget movies let's do something movies let's focus on towels exactly I said fuck it and the towels were fucking and I'm beating up hookers why not clean up the hookers yes the blood and then I crossed that's how I crossed over into infomercials from the from that because the critics hated me, so I took that and

Speaker 137 went from rags to riches.

Speaker 3 Absolutely.

Speaker 29 I'm curious to know, like, and

Speaker 43 I tend to ask people obnoxiously direct forward questions on this show.

Speaker 5 And this might be a little too forward.

Speaker 136 Like, did you, how much ballpark, oh my God.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 39 I've been informed that it has a 22% on popcorn meter inappropriate.

Speaker 39 My question is this.

Speaker 45 How about, can you give us a ballpark of about how much money you made from the Sham Wow universe?

Speaker 137 Okay, so about okay gross 100 million.

Speaker 151 I made about 20.

Speaker 125 Wow.

Speaker 63 Right, so fucking awesome.

Speaker 121 Honestly, okay

Speaker 154 It's my first time on stage, so I'm like I'm actually kind of shy, but you're doing great and the girl that girl the blonde girl supposed to get me a drink, but whatever.

Speaker 149 She's busy doing drink getting hit on by guys.

Speaker 86 Yeah, I want a butt light too.

Speaker 155 Whatever.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 114 That blonde girl's supposed to get me a drink too, bro.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Heidi knows the type of guys that will punch her in the face.

Speaker 96 And by the way, I got this. Oh.

Speaker 121 All right.

Speaker 137 Let me get back to the question again. Sorry.

Speaker 53 No, you answered it.

Speaker 96 About 20 million.

Speaker 37 That's the ballpark.

Speaker 74 And then what happened?

Speaker 91 Did the hooker thing cost you?

Speaker 110 Honestly, okay, you want to know what happened?

Speaker 137 You know, I was, this is like, I don't want to get into a documentary here, but I was in a cult for 20 years.

Speaker 188 I don't want to say what cult because I don't want to get killed after the show.

Speaker 137 Or maybe within the next week.

Speaker 45 Scientology, perfect.

Speaker 137 No, I didn't say that. You said that.

Speaker 63 I said that.

Speaker 137 Well, it's killed Tony, so it's perfect.

Speaker 137 I don't want it to kill me. You're good.

Speaker 110 I didn't say that.

Speaker 137 But, so I was 20 years in it. Unfortunately, it wasn't a sex cult.
It was a reading cult. And then when I was in Miami.

Speaker 86 It's the opposite of sex. I had $20 million in my pocket.

Speaker 137 I'm like, everybody, every model ones that I couldn't even talk.

Speaker 64 And the Russian girl said, hey, that's...

Speaker 137 I don't want to even say who it is because I don't mean...

Speaker 125 You started having a little.

Speaker 151 You fucking gave her one, too.

Speaker 104 Honestly, because I was a little repressed, to be honest.

Speaker 125 What do you mean?

Speaker 137 Well, you know, 20 years in a cult that doesn't have sex. I mean, and if you have sex, you got to write it down.

Speaker 137 It's like a sin.

Speaker 154 Wow. Yeah, it's true.
Whoa.

Speaker 117 Yeah, pretty bad.

Speaker 2 So you had 20 million bucks.

Speaker 137 I should have joined a sex cult, but whatever.

Speaker 61 What?

Speaker 45 So you had 20 million bucks and you weren't really even fucking that much?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Wow. So then all of a sudden.

Speaker 137 Okay, this is like a podcast now.

Speaker 37 It is.

Speaker 5 It's been a podcast the whole time.

Speaker 35 It's more like a whole big one.

Speaker 178 I don't think I sent it release.

Speaker 82 Well, okay, whatever.

Speaker 122 Oh, God. You didn't?

Speaker 128 I hope you did.

Speaker 135 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 68 Oh, boy. Vince.

Speaker 90 Vince, please don't.

Speaker 149 We're getting another rhyme from the side. Are you getting sick?

Speaker 2 Let's get another rhyme from

Speaker 2 the middle.

Speaker 149 We get another rhyme from Sean. No, we're good.

Speaker 125 It's time to throw in the towel.

Speaker 2 My disinterest.

Speaker 48 All right, well, anyway, what do we got?

Speaker 38 So how much did the hooker thing cost you?

Speaker 137 I should have had sex with her, I guess, if I'm going to get blamed for it. But anyway, long story short, I did think like, oh, wow, you can just have sex for like money.
I'm like, I never thought.

Speaker 188 Was she on the rag?

Speaker 68 All right, that's the last towel joke.

Speaker 21 Oh, hey, there we go.

Speaker 72 Absolute fucking lootly.

Speaker 94 All right, there's one for me.

Speaker 137 So, anybody want to know what a thoughtist, by the way, is? Well, I come up with products and names for products. Yeah.
I'm the owner of the products.

Speaker 137 So, I came up with the word thoughtist.

Speaker 137 So, like, let's say you like Trump and I like Biden, right? We don't hate each other, right?

Speaker 117 Yeah, that's probably what you're talking about.

Speaker 49 But if I hated you because you like Trump, I would hate your thought.

Speaker 137 So, that's called a thoughtist. So, like, the color, so you know how racist hate like black, like you don't like black people.

Speaker 95 Well, I mean, you're you're jumping ahead there.

Speaker 76 I'm not gonna let you work the soundboard over here, that's for sure.

Speaker 88 Oh, red man,

Speaker 14 stop that.

Speaker 80 Do not do that anymore.

Speaker 109 Play the monkey right there.

Speaker 89 He's gone apart.

Speaker 2 No, like

Speaker 130 slap. No, you don't like it.

Speaker 137 You don't like

Speaker 137 someone doesn't like a black guy because of his color, color of his skin, right? He just hates him. So this is someone who hates you because of the color of your thoughts.

Speaker 154 So I came up with the color, like thoughtist.

Speaker 149 So

Speaker 149 people with that word.

Speaker 2 So I'm trying to promote the...

Speaker 115 new product is a word.

Speaker 187 You've invented a word, and it's free.

Speaker 2 You can have it, you can use it.

Speaker 137 If someone hates you for something, you can say, you know what, you're a fucking thoughtist. Don't be a thoughtist.
Yeah. So, if I like Trump, you don't have to hate me.

Speaker 150 You can just like debate me.

Speaker 137 So, that's kind of what I'm trying to say. Because, you know, I don't think it's so much,

Speaker 72 but it's not bad.

Speaker 25 Hey, Red Band's on the board.

Speaker 72 And he's back.

Speaker 89 Red Band's back.

Speaker 114 He's going to blow it.

Speaker 135 He's back.

Speaker 144 But he's back.

Speaker 88 He's back. Give him a minute.

Speaker 137 What's funny is I'm just trying to get my protege here to come on, and all of a sudden I'm out.

Speaker 24 Hey, you're doing good.

Speaker 29 Vince, no one wants your protege.

Speaker 2 It's a diamond dozen. Or a diamond dozen.

Speaker 149 Move two feet, and your body will follow.

Speaker 118 Come on.

Speaker 76 No, it's okay. It's okay.

Speaker 50 He did good.

Speaker 82 The rap was good.

Speaker 2 The rap is good.

Speaker 16 The rap was terrible, Tony.

Speaker 80 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 75 I'm just saying that.

Speaker 48 He moves on.

Speaker 33 Let Bill Murray's brother just say that.

Speaker 105 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 149 Let me do the weave back with Trump does.

Speaker 137 We met, you know, when Underground Comedy was so offensive.

Speaker 137 He used to be a caller on the Howard Stern show and call and say things, and that's how we met.

Speaker 64 Oh, cool.

Speaker 82 Oh, Yosemite Sham.

Speaker 114 Yosemite Sham.

Speaker 88 Well,

Speaker 50 that is great.

Speaker 149 So we met at the house.

Speaker 52 Well, Fince, we're going to keep it moving along.

Speaker 169 Any last words to the beautiful audience here, to the people?

Speaker 120 Your first time live on stage. Yeah.

Speaker 183 First time. I appreciate it.

Speaker 17 You guys all made me feel good.

Speaker 168 I got it. I love it.

Speaker 137 The goats of comedy. And I'm.

Speaker 28 Hang out.

Speaker 117 Yeah, hang out.

Speaker 105 We'll hang afterwards.

Speaker 83 Gip Vince Givens and his friends Mitzi's passes.

Speaker 79 Wow, how about that, huh?

Speaker 158 All right, we're almost to the end here.

Speaker 33 We have our first female comedian of the night, which will be our last bucket pull.

Speaker 33 Let's see how this goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 158 A minute from Brie Collette.

Speaker 159 Brie Collette, everyone.

Speaker 18 There she is. Brie Colette, everybody.

Speaker 102 They will keep coming.

Speaker 68 Keep coming, sister. Give me a queef.

Speaker 194 Give me a second.

Speaker 123 Sorry, I'm dyslexic.

Speaker 26 Yeah,

Speaker 194 I could burp on command. It's pretty cool.
I actually have an OnlyFans for it.

Speaker 191 Only

Speaker 194 that's five dollars.

Speaker 194 I'm sorry.

Speaker 123 You're cool. You're hot.

Speaker 194 Um, I was supposed to do a joke.

Speaker 13 Um,

Speaker 121 thank you. Um,

Speaker 194 yeah, my dad.

Speaker 194 Hey, this is what bombing looks like.

Speaker 16 Um, someone's like, that's not.

Speaker 52 All right, that is all the time.

Speaker 86 She didn't really get a chance.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 36 What do you have a burp fetish?

Speaker 117 Well, Mark burped in her face.

Speaker 86 And then, I think you were riffing.

Speaker 114 You didn't plan on burping right away, did you?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Really? No. Yeah, obviously she didn't.

Speaker 84 Did you want to do like material?

Speaker 53 You burped and just talked about burping the whole fucking time.

Speaker 194 You know, it is a job, but I mean...

Speaker 71 Do you have any non-burp material you'd like to do?

Speaker 50 Okay, thank you, Redband.

Speaker 44 Very good. There you go.

Speaker 28 And it took him that long to blow it, everyone.

Speaker 120 A fart noise during a burp part of the show.

Speaker 57 Fucking absolutely retarded.

Speaker 63 Oh, my God.

Speaker 10 Oh, my God.

Speaker 26 The people love it.

Speaker 120 Some retarded business partner, Brian Redband.

Speaker 2 13 and a half years working side by side.

Speaker 98 Hold on, I have a question. I'm sorry.

Speaker 125 Did you honestly plan on doing burp material?

Speaker 194 No.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Yeah, I thought so.

Speaker 194 No, but I heard some fucking weak ass burps up here, and so I had to compete.

Speaker 79 Hold on. I don't know who it was.

Speaker 123 Just relax.

Speaker 102 Do hyphen.

Speaker 64 Oh, my God.

Speaker 44 What are you talking about?

Speaker 117 No.

Speaker 96 Did someone burp

Speaker 135 into the microphone?

Speaker 100 Yeah, a couple of times.

Speaker 74 Not with her here.

Speaker 116 Right.

Speaker 3 Before, you heard a burp earlier in your life.

Speaker 157 Am I the one who's wrong? Did Mark burp as soon as she got our shit?

Speaker 144 That was you the whole time?

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Are you mutant?

Speaker 114 Sorry, I was defending her.

Speaker 63 I didn't plan that. That's on me.

Speaker 96 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 37 If you didn't hear Mark burp many minutes ago, were you planning on doing your entire minute about burping?

Speaker 194 No, I got distracted. It's my ADHD.
Do a joke.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 89 No, I mean, I want her.

Speaker 24 I wanted her to do a joke when I brought her out here.

Speaker 95 I mean, I don't understand.

Speaker 194 Well, I don't want to kill time. I mean, I already did.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 128 You want to root for her, but she's unlikable.

Speaker 20 Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 168 I'm unlikable.

Speaker 33 All right, come on.

Speaker 19 Ladies and gentlemen, here to do some of her actual material, her non-fucking burp material.

Speaker 24 Ladies and gentlemen, Mark, put your microphone down.

Speaker 74 This is Brie Colette, everybody.

Speaker 72 Bree Colette.

Speaker 125 Hey, that's pretty funny. All right, cut her off.

Speaker 79 Oh my god.

Speaker 26 All right.

Speaker 42 All right, perfect.

Speaker 26 That's a great.

Speaker 114 That is the funniest thing you could have done.

Speaker 134 That's perfect.

Speaker 25 You did it, Brie.

Speaker 72 Unbelievable.

Speaker 50 Unbelievable.

Speaker 43 It is so great to see that Amy Schumer has new material.

Speaker 105 This is incredible.

Speaker 51 So how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 194 I started in Portland about two and a half, three years ago.

Speaker 46 Two and a half years ago, in Portland, where they find that type of stuff unbelievably groundbreaking and hilarious.

Speaker 87 Super hip.

Speaker 110 Super hip.

Speaker 117 It's not hot.

Speaker 123 It's hot.

Speaker 95 So

Speaker 51 how much material do you think you have altogether?

Speaker 136 Non-burp material?

Speaker 100 Solid 20.

Speaker 148 Okay. Oh.

Speaker 45 What types of things do you talk about when you're not burping in front of millions of fucking people and the biggest opportunity that you'll ever have in your entire life, which you will look back and regret on forever?

Speaker 79 As of now.

Speaker 105 but

Speaker 114 oh yeah there's gonna be bigger opportunities oh yeah trust me dude the burp queen yeah she's gonna link up with the drama king yeah

Speaker 64 yep and they're gonna

Speaker 194 you know no but uh yeah i don't know dicks

Speaker 5 what about dicks

Speaker 146 What about dicks?

Speaker 121 I mean, I what about dicks?

Speaker 194 I talk about dating. I talk about how I have bipolar too.
Oh, thanks. So I'm not the crazy one, you know? Okay.
And the ADHD, and just, I'm just fucked up.

Speaker 68 So can we hear a zinger about dicks?

Speaker 123 A zinger?

Speaker 68 A joke, you know, like a comedian?

Speaker 86 A joke.

Speaker 114 Mark's from the fucking 20s.

Speaker 78 Can we hear a zinger?

Speaker 89 Come on, you Tussie Broad.

Speaker 95 I took the locomotive here.

Speaker 24 Took the locomotive here to hear some zingers. All I'm hearing is some up-chuck.

Speaker 68 Give me some yuck-em-ups, you burp pig.

Speaker 24 Okay, okay, I like it. Talk about something you read in the newspaper, the periodicals.

Speaker 123 This is great.

Speaker 123 Keep it coming.

Speaker 79 I love it.

Speaker 194 You ever seen a dick?

Speaker 121 Okay, wait. Yeah, I have seen a dick.

Speaker 141 Wait, that's not how it's hard.

Speaker 88 Hold on. I'm sitting with five of them.

Speaker 194 You ever put a dick in your mouth?

Speaker 68 Not yet.

Speaker 26 All right.

Speaker 194 As soon as you put it in, it kind of like latches in place, you know?

Speaker 13 No?

Speaker 194 They're ahead dick, you know?

Speaker 2 I don't even drink water.

Speaker 7 Oh my god. All right.

Speaker 8 Here's a little joke book, Brie.

Speaker 194 That was.

Speaker 22 There you go. Boom.

Speaker 35 There she goes. Brie Colette, everybody.

Speaker 99 She can belch, which, by the way, everyone can do.

Speaker 97 Little fun fact is anybody can do that at any point.

Speaker 74 She was good.

Speaker 159 I'm telling you, you missed out on a star.

Speaker 125 Yeah, it should have been a golden ticket.

Speaker 159 That was a superstar.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 25 She's been the best yet, probably.

Speaker 97 Oh, my God.

Speaker 99 Oh, my God.

Speaker 162 Wow.

Speaker 37 Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time.

Speaker 71 William Montgomery has the flu, everybody.

Speaker 15 Yes!

Speaker 15 Thank God.

Speaker 48 William Montgomery with what some people are saying is up to a 103-degree fever right now.

Speaker 94 Whoa.

Speaker 148 So he is out.

Speaker 117 However...

Speaker 28 Ladies and gentlemen, here

Speaker 5 to close the show is literally one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 33 Some people call him the American Dream.

Speaker 99 Some people call him

Speaker 44 the green card Goliath.

Speaker 19 Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty!

Speaker 19 I

Speaker 77 am so fucking tired of being poor.

Speaker 126 I'm about to snap.

Speaker 157 When is it my time?

Speaker 174 Even if you make a million dollars now, remember when you were a kid, you thought, million dollars, that's a fucking summer house in Italy,

Speaker 174 downtown apartment in Austin.

Speaker 117 Now, a million dollars, whoo, one bedroom in Plugerville.

Speaker 77 Now I feel bad for millionaires.

Speaker 145 I'm like, fuck, Chick-fil-A is hiring.

Speaker 117 I don't know.

Speaker 157 When you look at rich people, don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school?

Speaker 174 Like where they talked, where the bag is at, you know

Speaker 77 because my school was like alphabet Hitler

Speaker 3 and then they were like okay

Speaker 106 now go pay taxes

Speaker 70 what the fuck was algebra

Speaker 77 teach me how to run a scam you bitch like

Speaker 77 Remem when we spent three years on a triangle?

Speaker 153 I'm 32 years old, never even seen one.

Speaker 70 Teach me about offshore accounts.

Speaker 70 Fuck.

Speaker 77 And when you meet rich people, I always ask, I always ask, how?

Speaker 190 And they never say, always some real vague.

Speaker 2 You know, rich people love to say, like, oh, the right place at the right time.

Speaker 36 I've been everywhere always.

Speaker 70 let me in, rich people. Come on, let me in the circle.
Let's go.

Speaker 98 I get it.

Speaker 157 Let's fucking privatize water in Sierra Leone.

Speaker 98 Let's go. I'm cool.

Speaker 157 Take me to Epstein Island. Let's go.

Speaker 98 I'll fuck the kids

Speaker 77 and keep my mouth shut.

Speaker 77 The only people who do give you financial advice are dudes who are into crypto, huh?

Speaker 77 How come every guy who tells you about crypto is also on the bus?

Speaker 77 It's always your friend Tyler with like bong breath.

Speaker 78 Dude, Bitcoin's coming back

Speaker 164 you want to be like Tyler the fact that this information has trickled down to you

Speaker 81 means we're already too late

Speaker 24 thank you so much everybody thank you Wow three minutes and nine seconds of brand new material

Speaker 50 Absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 35 Ari

Speaker 31 Matty has done it again.

Speaker 45 Over three times the necessary work that you had to do.

Speaker 39 A whole cohesive bit.

Speaker 48 Thanks.

Speaker 30 You did it. I mean, it is just unbelievable.

Speaker 45 And you're getting in, you're just sliding into home base at the last second with your I'm still poor material

Speaker 45 right before you announce a new fucking giant tour, I'm sure, because you sell tickets now.

Speaker 64 So this is it.

Speaker 39 This is your last chance.

Speaker 77 Can't announce a tour without a visa.

Speaker 64 That is true.

Speaker 38 That is true.

Speaker 45 We are exactly seven days away from an inauguration.

Speaker 4 That's your buddy.

Speaker 61 I hope so.

Speaker 62 It's my birthday, Trump. Give me it.

Speaker 75 That's it.

Speaker 135 Absolutely. Give it to me.

Speaker 192 I'm white.

Speaker 81 It's gonna go bad.

Speaker 63 The perfect specimen.

Speaker 100 Come on.

Speaker 149 I've seen your family. You love me.

Speaker 2 Superior genetics.

Speaker 30 I'm positive Trump will see this.

Speaker 9 I'm positive he will let you in.

Speaker 130 He's going to deport you.

Speaker 27 I know, Ari.

Speaker 78 I know.

Speaker 48 I'm scared.

Speaker 68 I bet he comes on here at one point.

Speaker 3 Probably, huh?

Speaker 109 He's scared. He won't.
You think? I think he's too frightened.

Speaker 45 He's definitely

Speaker 136 not.

Speaker 39 First of all, he's had a couple appearances on the show.

Speaker 67 I don't know if you guys have noticed it.

Speaker 19 Some of the most viewed episodes in the show's history.

Speaker 112 Well, you did his show at the garden.

Speaker 32 Yeah, I did his show at the garden.

Speaker 68 You did not get a booklet.

Speaker 2 I did not. I did give you a little book.

Speaker 116 I did not.

Speaker 146 It is true.

Speaker 146 It is

Speaker 78 true. Never heard of him.

Speaker 142 And don't want to hear of him.

Speaker 75 That's what he said.

Speaker 76 That's what he said.

Speaker 45 Find me in a week in the front row of the inauguration.

Speaker 94 Anyway,

Speaker 136 yeah, I'm positive Trump would love you.

Speaker 5 He has a great sense of humor.

Speaker 39 Had his own roast 14 years ago, 15 years ago or so on Comedy Central.

Speaker 45 It was the biggest roast of all time at the time.

Speaker 64 And yeah, he's got a great sense of humor.

Speaker 45 He's one of the funniest people in the world.

Speaker 45 I don't know what he would think about your accent, though.

Speaker 148 That's the thing.

Speaker 190 Makes him worried, maybe.

Speaker 151 Probably horny.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 93 That's a wise observation.

Speaker 72 He likes those accents.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 190 Sometimes I see like American guys here, they have when they have the flag and they're like proud, you know, they're like fucking

Speaker 190 when they hear my accent at a cafe or something, you can tell they're like, what the fuck is moving into my country now?

Speaker 137 Just another fucking accent.

Speaker 114 Did they do that in Estonia?

Speaker 114 Like wear the flag and they're like, yeah.

Speaker 105 No, not really.

Speaker 190 There's no Estonian pride we don't have that fucking genocide

Speaker 190 energy, you know

Speaker 86 What do you mean?

Speaker 114 Yeah, what you guys killed everybody you know those people here before you you know that right Shane yeah you got you guys participated in some wild moves

Speaker 89 You forgot I know history you little nasty bucks

Speaker 153 so sorry about that

Speaker 73 I have not heard of any snake both ways Nazis and Soviets you little snake fucks We did I know all about you nasty little people Yeah, look at you Yeah.

Speaker 82 Get in where you fit in, you nasty fuck.

Speaker 68 Hey, we gave ours casinos, motherfucker.

Speaker 146 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 68 That's a little parting gift.

Speaker 45 You did nothing for the Jews.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Which reminds me, America's sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight.

Speaker 96 What else is going on in the wild world of Ari Matty?

Speaker 2 I went to Tulum for eight days.

Speaker 110 I just got back yesterday.

Speaker 2 Diarrhea, Diarrhea I have now. Yeah.

Speaker 149 During the trip, during the trip, no diarrhea.

Speaker 77 Street food, everything,

Speaker 192 nothing.

Speaker 174 And then I got here, I went to the airport.

Speaker 82 That's where I got the diarrhea.

Speaker 135 Welcome back.

Speaker 114 Perfect place to have it.

Speaker 75 Yeah. Yeah.
That's actually gosh.

Speaker 98 That's what airports are for.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 50 What do you think caused the diarrhea?

Speaker 49 What did you eat?

Speaker 154 I ate, well, a burrito.

Speaker 190 I know. I came from Mexico, but I just felt like one.

Speaker 61 Can't remember the spot, though.

Speaker 48 I think it was called guacamole or some shit. Ah.

Speaker 190 That could have been the problem, huh?

Speaker 140 Because I've eaten chipotla.

Speaker 48 You've eaten chipotla?

Speaker 154 Never had diarrhea?

Speaker 128 Right.

Speaker 188 Well, that's American.

Speaker 123 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 68 We clean it up.

Speaker 68 Although, it is a Mexican making it. But still.

Speaker 68 Do you get lucky over there in Mexico?

Speaker 140 They do love me there, the brown women.

Speaker 68 Yeah. How much do you pay?

Speaker 89 A couple of pesos?

Speaker 2 I've never had a hooker.

Speaker 192 I don't know.

Speaker 190 That's like an American thing, right? Got a hooker.

Speaker 126 That's not just a thing.

Speaker 10 That's a fucking Estonian thing. Yeah,

Speaker 68 they're pretty talking about Europe and Mexico.

Speaker 2 Well, I went to a strip club here, the one that's supporting the show, too. That was a wonderful experience.
Were you at the red rose or the yellow rose?

Speaker 192 I was at the yellow one. Okay.

Speaker 153 And I've never been to a strip club where it's like.

Speaker 125 There's an Asian one?

Speaker 10 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 63 What were you saying about the yellow rose?

Speaker 77 It was a very positive environment for the ladies, you know.

Speaker 140 Because I've been to like Estonian strip club.

Speaker 190 It's not exactly like, you know, it's all like.

Speaker 34 What do they do there?

Speaker 190 Well, it's all women who don't have passports and they don't want to be there, you know.

Speaker 117 It's not exactly like a cool aw, you know.

Speaker 38 They're slaves, is that what you're saying?

Speaker 58 They're like prisoners?

Speaker 192 Something like that, yeah?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 130 If you look into their eyes, you get fucking hard.

Speaker 78 But then again, our women don't burp on a microphone, so

Speaker 164 there's ups and downs to everything.

Speaker 44 She performs at the Yellow Gross.

Speaker 67 Amazing, Ari Matty.

Speaker 45 Amazing.

Speaker 64 You did it.

Speaker 67 Three minutes, 10 seconds of new material, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 34 The Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

Speaker 17 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 22 E-belt is in.

Speaker 17 What did Chris Rogers do over there?

Speaker 122 Oh, Ari Maddie.

Speaker 7 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 67 I think it's Ari Maddie.

Speaker 28 Ari Maddie and Blackface.

Speaker 63 Ari Matty.

Speaker 114 Cam Maddie.

Speaker 29 Ladies and gentlemen, did you guys have fun tonight?

Speaker 19 I don't know if I mentioned this, but Ari Shafir's brand new Netflix special America sweetheart out now on Netflix.

Speaker 131 Check it out.

Speaker 96 How about one more time for the great Mark Normand, everybody?

Speaker 55 Thank you.

Speaker 33 And come on, ladies and gentlemen, one of the best to ever do the damn thing, Shane Gillis, everyone, here live in the flesh.

Speaker 17 Thank you, Shopify, PrizeFix, Blue Chew, and Zip Recruiter.

Speaker 24 We did it again. Love you guys.

Speaker 33 Have a great night, everybody.

Speaker 55 Thank you.