#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

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Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 4 Hey, this is Red Back coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Speaker 9 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 9 We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

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Speaker 23 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode?

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 30 Every once in a while, you know, sometimes it's booked a month out, sometimes this, sometimes that.

Speaker 18 Sometimes I find guests that day.

Speaker 31 This one has been on my calendar for a while.

Speaker 29 And it has been a dream guest of mine since episode one and you are here for his debut as a panelist on killtony

Speaker 23 ladies and gentlemen i present to you especially us starting at the comedy store this is comedy store royalty he is

Speaker 55 undisputedly one of the greatest comedians of all time

Speaker 56 he is the first comedian to ever ever sell out in arena.

Speaker 57 Indeed, this is the first panelist appearance ever by the undisputed heavyweight king of comedy.

Speaker 62 This is Andrew Dice play!

Speaker 65 Make some fucking noise for dice.

Speaker 65 Oh

Speaker 65 my

Speaker 65 god,

Speaker 66 the real deal,

Speaker 53 the man, the myth.

Speaker 14 This is Andrew Dice Clay on Kill Tony.

Speaker 24 That's for you guys, would get really loud at that point.

Speaker 68 This is

Speaker 10 a test,

Speaker 69 a very exciting moment for me because Tony's been asking me since day one and,

Speaker 69 you know, can I tell him what I used to think the show was? Yeah.

Speaker 69 I used to think that he was doing this show about murder.

Speaker 69 You know, like you see on TV with the, you know.

Speaker 69 I'm not into that. I would tell him I'm into stand-up.
And he goes, no, it's just the name of the show, Dice. So I figured it out.

Speaker 14 11 or 12 years later,

Speaker 23 you found out that it wasn't about murdering people.

Speaker 69 Let me tell you something, Tony, one thing.

Speaker 69 There are no two Dice fans anywhere in the world, anywhere, that would ever argue going, oh, what college you think Dice went to?

Speaker 73 Just never going to happen.

Speaker 43 Well, you do know about stand-up, and that's why we are here over 230 human beings signed up for a chance to get on this show they have no idea who the guest is or is gonna be so when they turn around after doing a minute they're going to be looking down the barrel of Andrew Dice Clay now you don't know what that's like to have to look at you after doing a set but let me tell you this person's inside That's interesting.

Speaker 30 So our first bucket pull will come from the inside.

Speaker 20 We're going to watch people do 60 second sets.

Speaker 80 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 43 That means they have to wrap it up then then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 27 Are you guys ready to start the first ever Kill Tony with Andrew Dice Clay?

Speaker 8 We're going to start it with a bang. I present to you a new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 43 To kick things off tonight, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are a big fan of the show?

Speaker 8 Well, then you'll be happy to know. Kicking things off, a brand new minute from the one and only.

Speaker 84 This is Cam Patterson, everyone.

Speaker 85 All right, so listen, so usually on the show, I come out and I talk about places I don't like. That's what I do.
People understand that.

Speaker 86 People think it's funny.

Speaker 85 But when I talk about where people are from, some people don't enjoy that. And I'm going to tell you, my worst place that I hate the most in all of America is Rochester, New York, right?

Speaker 85 That place can get blown to Smithereens. Fuck that place.
And three weeks ago on Kilton, I said, fuck Rochester, New York. And I got an Instagram story that I was tagged in.

Speaker 85 I'm going to read it to you. This is what he said.
He said,

Speaker 85 he said, suck a dick.

Speaker 85 You pussy, fuck wherever you from. I'll smoke your dads in your face.

Speaker 85 I'm going to translate that for white people now because a lot of y'all look confused. He just said, hey, man, suck a penis.

Speaker 75 Fuck your hometown.

Speaker 85 And I'm going to get a cigarette, unravel it, put weed in it, and smoke it as if it was your dead homeboy. That's what he said to me.

Speaker 85 And so I responded, I ain't hard to find.

Speaker 85 And then I sent my tour dates after that.

Speaker 88 And then he said, nah, fuck you.

Speaker 85 I ain't paying to see you. You talking shit about my city.
And then he said, unless you get me here for free, stop talking shit about Rochester.

Speaker 85 And I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to tell you something about me, man.
I used to be a thug. I was a street nigga.
I was outside. I started doing stand-up comedy.
I changed my life.

Speaker 85 I don't do that shit no more. I'm a good person.
I changed the leaf in my life. I don't do that shit no more.

Speaker 85 So I told him, I said, listen, brother, next time I'm somewhere by you, they send me your first and last name, and I'll get you in the show for free, no problem.

Speaker 85 And he said, you do that for me?

Speaker 85 I said, yeah, he said, man, I'm a big fan of what you do, man.

Speaker 85 I just don't like that you were talking shit about my city, because I love my city. I said, I understand that, bro.
I get it, because I love my city too. And I hate somebody talks about my city.

Speaker 85 I'm sorry. Well, he doesn't know that when he comes to the show, we're going to beat the shit out of him.

Speaker 8 I've been camping at that castle.

Speaker 41 Like that.

Speaker 41 There it is.

Speaker 75 I love it.

Speaker 20 Amazing.

Speaker 89 Fantastic.

Speaker 85 We're going to fuck that nigga up, man.

Speaker 85 We're going to fuck him up. It was a, I seen all that.
What kind of bullshit is this, man? But I get it. You don't like talking shit, but he a pussy though.
Fuck that nigga.

Speaker 85 Hey, look, let me look in the camera when I say this, too. Fuck Rochester, New York, nigga.

Speaker 14 It is absolutely true.

Speaker 29 I fully endorse Cam's statements about anywhere in upstate New York.

Speaker 92 It is incredible for anyone to stay there after being born and raised there.

Speaker 67 You should have run for your lives.

Speaker 54 Instead, you probably settled down with the first person that said that they like you too.

Speaker 25 And then you accidentally came inside of them and now you're stuck there forever in eternal hell while literally the rest of America laughs at you right now.

Speaker 14 It might seem like I'm crawling through your internet screen and talking directly to you.

Speaker 11 And that's because I am.

Speaker 17 Everyone in upstate New York, evacuate, evacuate.

Speaker 95 You'll thank me later.

Speaker 96 There you go. We got.

Speaker 85 Fuck Rochester, fuck garbage plates. Fuck all 207.
I looked it up.

Speaker 5 207.

Speaker 69 Okay, I can't do nothing with that.

Speaker 13 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 85 I looked it up, but the numbers are hard for me. It's hard for me to get 200,000.
It was 200,473. Fuck all 207.

Speaker 98 You know what the fuck I'm trying to say?

Speaker 85 Fuck all the y'all in Rochester, New York.

Speaker 95 I have no idea what any of that was.

Speaker 54 I don't know if I endorse that.

Speaker 85 I was trying to say numbers, but it's hard when they get past, when it gets to six of them bitches, nigga, numbers is hard.

Speaker 49 You said garbage place for a second said garbage place that they food and then i was trying to say name the population just making sure you're not getting me in any trouble here i don't know of any garbage places i've never heard of such a thing and i would never reference any people no as garbage

Speaker 101 however

Speaker 23 If you're still watching from chilly upstate New York, just know that I was talking to you for that moment.

Speaker 19 Dice, what do you think about upstate New York?

Speaker 69 Well, it's not even even about upstate New York. Can I say something about him?

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 69 I did have a little talk with him New Year's Eve.

Speaker 69 And I want to say to all you people, people watching, that I really feel, because I've been watching him and he's only doing it, what, three years you told me?

Speaker 69 And this guy has more stage presence and knowing how to work the audience and how to perform and create new material every week than I've seen out of a lot of comics doing it for 15 years.

Speaker 103 So I really,

Speaker 8 I just really think that,

Speaker 69 you know,

Speaker 69 in a very short time from now, I know you're doing shows and theaters, but it's just going to get bigger and bigger for him. That's what I really believe.

Speaker 35 Completely.

Speaker 102 I'm not even kidding.

Speaker 8 It is amazing.

Speaker 69 He just understands performance.

Speaker 104 What's that?

Speaker 69 No, like, you know yourself, like, a lot of comics will just come and they'll stand and just do that. You walk out of, let's say, at the comedy store in two minutes.
He works the room.

Speaker 69 He works the stage. He's a true, true performer.
That's what I'm doing.

Speaker 105 It is amazing. Natural.

Speaker 8 Very natural. Since day one, it was always like that.

Speaker 85 Make me want to cry and shit, man. I appreciate that.

Speaker 5 Hell yeah.

Speaker 42 I'm a dog.

Speaker 69 I don't cry, but that's made me, I'm happy to thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 89 Thank you. I appreciate that.

Speaker 47 The only guy crying at the end of this set should be the guy from Rochester.

Speaker 3 that messaged you.

Speaker 85 Now, the funny shit, I sent it to my homeboy. I sent it to my dog, my dog, Lim.

Speaker 89 My brother. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 13 We'll be outside and shit.

Speaker 107 How did you have the dog ready that quick?

Speaker 85 He don't even. We big dogs around here, nigga, but I sent him a dog, Lim, right?

Speaker 5 It sounded like a little dog.

Speaker 108 It sounded like a Chihuahua.

Speaker 102 What was that? There it goes. Hell.

Speaker 6 Hell, Salter.

Speaker 7 Ah, hell.

Speaker 103 All right.

Speaker 96 Yeah, real, real salt.

Speaker 75 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 74 All right.

Speaker 85 But I sent it to my homeboy Limb. I sent him a picture.

Speaker 13 I sent his Instagram and shit.

Speaker 85 And then it was a picture of him and his girlfriend on his Instagram. And my dog just said, she look like she tired of you, little bro.
What's her cash shop? I had that bitch in Florida by Saturday.

Speaker 111 Why would you send the poor innocent guy that DM'd you something?

Speaker 112 You sent that, his profile off to your gang.

Speaker 69 Fuck that nigga, yeah, man.

Speaker 85 He said he was gonna smoke my dead friends in my face.

Speaker 113 Fuck that nigga, man.

Speaker 18 He said he was gonna smoke your dead friends?

Speaker 85 That's what he said. That's what the end of the thing was: I'm gonna smoke.

Speaker 18 What does that mean? That he's gonna turn them into ashes and then sprinkle the ashes.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 91 And he would smoke them in front of you.

Speaker 92 Yes.

Speaker 91 And like, blow the smoke in your face.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 85 So fuck him.

Speaker 5 Fuck his bitch.

Speaker 75 Yeah. Fuck his mama.
Fuck his grandmama.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Fuck his auntie.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Fuck who he believes in as a Lord. Even if it's if it's God, don't do that.

Speaker 13 But fuck that nigga, though.

Speaker 101 I agree.

Speaker 15 Amazing. Cam Patterson, way to get tonight started.

Speaker 8 And it has begun

Speaker 68 with a great,

Speaker 23 powerful set from Cam Patterson.

Speaker 75 And now it begins.

Speaker 56 And our first bucket pull is from the inside.

Speaker 12 This could be any one of you that signed up.

Speaker 9 Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 Ooh, the lovely Heidi has arrived.

Speaker 44 Your first comedian goes by the name of Misty B, everybody.

Speaker 8 Misty B.

Speaker 8 There it is, indeed.

Speaker 8 Coming from the middle.

Speaker 8 It has begun.

Speaker 115 Her table is very excited about this.

Speaker 62 Very much price is right, energy.

Speaker 7 Coming from the middle table.

Speaker 64 She's one of you from the inside. Make some noise for her.

Speaker 64 I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of

Speaker 64 Misty B, everyone.

Speaker 117 Misty Bee.

Speaker 73 Hello, hello.

Speaker 118 Okay, so I can't get up here and not recognize what today is. It's January 6th.

Speaker 118 For you, it's happy Insurrection Day.

Speaker 119 For the rest of Texas, it's happy resurrection day.

Speaker 118 Tony, I always knew that you and I had something a little bit in common.

Speaker 118 Whenever I was watching your

Speaker 118 Madison Square Garden, and you said that Puerto Rico was garbage, I was like, I knew he knew my ex-husband.

Speaker 118 And then I watched your comedy special and you talked about the fags and cunts. And I'm like, oh my God, that confirms it.
He definitely knows my ex-husband and his mother.

Speaker 124 So

Speaker 120 that's all I got.

Speaker 125 That's all I got. Okay, yeah, there you go.

Speaker 65 All right.

Speaker 91 Misty B, everybody, the Kill Tony debut of Misty B.

Speaker 18 Misty, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 118 This is my first time ever.

Speaker 25 Okay, there you go.

Speaker 127 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 11 What made you want to sign up today?

Speaker 118 Well, I am actually needing a kidney transplant, and I'm waiting on a list, and it's really long.

Speaker 118 So I'm checking stuff off my bucket list.

Speaker 128 So you're here to try to...

Speaker 94 Does anyone have a kidney that they would like to give away?

Speaker 8 We have the best fan base.

Speaker 27 What's your blood type?

Speaker 96 It looks like it's pretty thick.

Speaker 96 It is.

Speaker 126 It's gravy. It's gravy.

Speaker 23 Very good.

Speaker 129 I was going to guess icy.

Speaker 54 Red Band, you love ices.

Speaker 75 This is your future here.

Speaker 125 I'm just here because I need a kidney transfer.

Speaker 99 You got a little RFK Jr.

Speaker 93 in your voice, too.

Speaker 25 You got that shaky voice.

Speaker 25 I need a kidney transfer.

Speaker 118 I need some Alpis.

Speaker 100 What were your symptoms?

Speaker 118 For my kidney disease? Yeah.

Speaker 25 Yeah, Red Band's on the lookout here.

Speaker 54 You had some kidney shit today, so I kind of freaked out.

Speaker 16 What do you mean you had kidney shit today?

Speaker 58 I get my blood tested.

Speaker 13 Oh, God, tell us more.

Speaker 75 Yeah, your kidneys a little weird, but it's

Speaker 87 afraid to like, it's probably fine.

Speaker 99 Hold on a second, Misty.

Speaker 55 Hold on.

Speaker 14 We're going full pause here.

Speaker 94 We've never had it come up where someone has an ailment and you're like, well, I am kind of going through some

Speaker 3 kidney shit today.

Speaker 50 Like, what?

Speaker 107 What are the odds that you're going through?

Speaker 108 This is clearly a sign from God.

Speaker 103 It's so weird.

Speaker 105 We both look like situation.

Speaker 73 Yes.

Speaker 120 for sure

Speaker 75 what are your symptoms you are painful

Speaker 118 well if you go pee and it looks like a draft beer that's protein

Speaker 118 and that's a big sign so you have a lot of bubbles in your pee yeah wow yeah that's amazing that's a fetish for some people

Speaker 118 I have a lot of like, I get tired easy. Of course.

Speaker 75 Especially where I'm at right now.

Speaker 102 I can tell.

Speaker 67 Yeah, Red Band definitely has kidney problems.

Speaker 75 He is exhausted all the time.

Speaker 130 It is incredible.

Speaker 35 Anything else?

Speaker 61 What were your...

Speaker 11 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 59 Let me ask you this for Red Band because he's being a little shy right now.

Speaker 131 Okay.

Speaker 54 I would love it if you two end up in hospital beds next to each other.

Speaker 43 Craziest episode of Kill Tony ever.

Speaker 13 We gave each other our own shitty kidneys.

Speaker 75 Right.

Speaker 13 That'd be great if you guys transplanted to each other.

Speaker 118 We could do dialysis together.

Speaker 35 Amazing.

Speaker 29 Okay, so tell us, what what have you been eating and drinking your life?

Speaker 46 Everything.

Speaker 19 Yeah, but seriously, what are your like real guilty pleasures that you think got you this way?

Speaker 87 Like me, sometimes right before bed, I get a little craving. You know what? I have, I've been a naughty boy.

Speaker 18 I go for the chocolate-covered pretzels sometimes right before bed.

Speaker 111 And I think to myself, this is so wrong.

Speaker 75 I shouldn't be doing this.

Speaker 30 But I'm a perfect specimen.

Speaker 28 Now, if I was you, it would be different.

Speaker 15 I'd imagine I would really know, like, fuck, I should not be drinking lemonade like this right before bed.

Speaker 20 Like, so what is it exactly?

Speaker 118 Um, so I actually have a disease that's called FSGS. So, it's scarring.

Speaker 75 FSGS.

Speaker 118 Yes, it's scarring of the glomeri of my kidneys, which basically

Speaker 118 my kidneys let out the things that should stay in my blood and keep in the bad things in my body. And it builds up in my body, and that's what makes me sick and tired.

Speaker 75 You're going to die.

Speaker 25 Yeah. I've seen this before.

Speaker 73 Bucket list.

Speaker 118 And Andrew Dice Clay

Speaker 26 dice. What do you think about her performance?

Speaker 69 This thing, she has a lot of guts to walk out here.

Speaker 8 She literally does have a lot of guts. I'm looking at her right now.

Speaker 69 You know,

Speaker 69 with all the sickness and all, you know, I get sick a lot. And

Speaker 69 I had some stuff taken out.

Speaker 13 You know, through the years.

Speaker 25 what's the thing you don't need um testicle the gallbladder the gallbladder see she's like a dog she's medical you had the gallbladder taken out yeah okay i gave the guy cash

Speaker 91 i got no problems with your gallbladder

Speaker 69 yeah but yeah to have the guts to come out here and just

Speaker 69 i saw you were nervous i get it i was nervous coming out i've never done Kill Tony, but you did a great job.

Speaker 75 You should be proud of yourself.

Speaker 65 Thank you.

Speaker 103 I appreciate you.

Speaker 127 Let me ask you this, Misty.

Speaker 105 You're on the hunt for a kidney.

Speaker 133 How much longer do you have?

Speaker 21 How long? Give us a timeline.

Speaker 30 How long will you be able to live if there was no kidney given to you?

Speaker 118 Well, the list right now is six and a half years long.

Speaker 7 Oh,

Speaker 4 He's right.

Speaker 25 So, six and a half years.

Speaker 3 And what are we talking about?

Speaker 125 What type of bubbles are you at?

Speaker 40 How filled up is the toilet after you eat?

Speaker 90 It's bad, huh?

Speaker 16 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 137 Can you imagine?

Speaker 75 Red Band's thinking of a bubble bath right now.

Speaker 54 This pig over here is like, I'll give you some kidney money.

Speaker 96 Come over, piss in my chest.

Speaker 118 But you look healthy. I mean, you said you were in good condition.

Speaker 136 I am. I am.

Speaker 18 I need both of my kidneys though, just in case.

Speaker 90 I have a lot of fun out there on these streets and who knows, I might blow one one day.

Speaker 99 Do you have DFBS or whatever it is? What's it called again?

Speaker 118 FSGS.

Speaker 2 FSGS.

Speaker 16 I don't even know what that is.

Speaker 118 It's called focal segmental glomerosclerosis.

Speaker 35 Oh, I probably have that.

Speaker 13 I probably have that. Yeah.

Speaker 18 So real quick, before we get back to the show, I got to know, what exactly did the doctor say about your blood results and your kidney?

Speaker 134 So I get like the full panel every

Speaker 58 stuff and they just said, oh, it's a little high, but that's within, like, that's probably fine. It's just

Speaker 118 your creatine?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have a little bit higher.

Speaker 25 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 138 Oh, yeah, here we go.

Speaker 26 Ladies and gentlemen, in real time, you're getting the diagnosis.

Speaker 11 You remember the episode where Red Band found out he had a couple months to live?

Speaker 21 This is what's great about podcasting.

Speaker 140 There's nothing prepared.

Speaker 117 Anything can happen.

Speaker 120 That's That's right.

Speaker 75 Creatine's connected, huh? Yeah, it is.

Speaker 120 It is.

Speaker 43 All right. Well, Misty.

Speaker 58 Estrogen, I guess, also.

Speaker 34 I have a lot of that.

Speaker 20 Six and a half years. So

Speaker 40 what you have a blood type or something?

Speaker 53 What are you in the market?

Speaker 76 How can we help?

Speaker 118 So I am a positive.

Speaker 75 A positive.

Speaker 118 I just need somebody willing to donate a kidney

Speaker 118 and preferably in the Houston area.

Speaker 75 Houston area.

Speaker 118 Because I'm from Houston. Yep.
And you can either call or go on the website.

Speaker 129 It'd be hilarious if she was from Rochester after all this.

Speaker 26 We're just like, if there's a good person out in Rochester willing to give a kidney, it's me, the evil guy from earlier.

Speaker 99 I didn't mean what I said. Please be a good person.

Speaker 75 I would just horrify him and bring my own kidney.

Speaker 87 What was your question, Dice?

Speaker 69 Houston's like your neighborhood.

Speaker 69 Well, like if they're in Dallas or San Antonio, like you're not interested in the kidneys, they don't get that.

Speaker 69 I mean, I mean, the girl has FNTS.

Speaker 63 Isn't that what it what's it called?

Speaker 118 FSGS.

Speaker 120 What's that?

Speaker 118 FSGS.

Speaker 69 Oh, that's different. I'm thinking FNTS.

Speaker 100 Friday night talk session.

Speaker 69 It's a whole different thing.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 118 I know, but they just need to go online to the Houston Methodist website

Speaker 35 or call.

Speaker 118 And my name's Misty Boudreaux, and they can just sign up.

Speaker 56 So you're telling me that right now there is actually a way that if they request that they will only want to give their kidney to one person, that they can actually give it.

Speaker 21 I think we're going to save this lady's life.

Speaker 41 This is...

Speaker 8 This is bad for the show.

Speaker 9 There's going to be a bunch of people with like eyes falling out and shit coming on.

Speaker 65 I didn't really ever care about stand-up. I need a fucking

Speaker 102 die here.

Speaker 136 Please, God, I know I'm not funny at all.

Speaker 100 But please, fuck.

Speaker 136 My asshole.

Speaker 61 I don't know.

Speaker 101 Do you have a reward for it?

Speaker 142 I'll ship it 40 bucks.

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 50 There you go.

Speaker 13 Red man just wants bubbly piss pics.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 28 well uh there you go misty boudro in houston a positive

Speaker 118 yeah i have the feeling 99 of our fan base doesn't even know what blood type they are so it doesn't matter so they do paired donations so if somebody wants to donate my name um they would find another donor oh they would trade with an a positive

Speaker 99 oh my god well i'll tell you this whoever in houston

Speaker 99 whoever in houston donates their kidney kidney, we'll put you on a guest list for a Kill Tony show.

Speaker 8 How about that?

Speaker 8 And here you go. Here's a big joke book for Misty.

Speaker 84 There you go.

Speaker 56 She caught it like it was FSGS, everybody.

Speaker 26 There you go.

Speaker 18 Misty Boudreau.

Speaker 83 There you go.

Speaker 26 Her first time on a comedy stage and most likely her last, everybody.

Speaker 59 She's not going to be with us much longer.

Speaker 23 My goodness.

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Speaker 145 Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas. 40% alcohol by volume.
Savor responsibly.

Speaker 147 Your next bucket pull in an unheard of, unprecedented maneuver is also on the inside.

Speaker 9 Just by pure luck, your next comedian goes by the name of Carl Kurz, everyone.

Speaker 116 230 cold souls at a bar across the street wondering why the hell the show hasn't started yet.

Speaker 9 As both bucket pulls are from the inside.

Speaker 3 Where's Carl? We got movement?

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 59 Here he comes.

Speaker 61 I'm going to pre-pull the next name.

Speaker 91 Oh, this is taking forever.

Speaker 60 Shout out to her.

Speaker 116 Okay, the next one's inside, too.

Speaker 148 That's crazy.

Speaker 108 Is this like their seat number?

Speaker 9 Can you wrangle them so that it doesn't take as long?

Speaker 149 It's not.

Speaker 74 Oh, okay.

Speaker 14 Alright, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

Speaker 60 Another insider.

Speaker 3 Make some noise for Carl Kurz, everybody.

Speaker 142 Here we go.

Speaker 120 Carl Kurz.

Speaker 86 What's up, guys?

Speaker 86 I have a kidney, but it also has Hep C, so.

Speaker 86 I got picked on a lot in middle school. And I got made fun of a lot.
I don't know if you can tell by looking at me. I tried to cover up most of my shame with tattoos.

Speaker 86 Look at this big fucking crow tattooed on my head. You don't get a crow like this tattooed on your head unless you've been called a f ⁇ it one too many times.

Speaker 86 Getting this crow on my head. I'm like, who's a f ⁇ it now, Bryson?

Speaker 66 Not me.

Speaker 86 Anyways, I started doing drugs and inevitably I went to prison. And I didn't want to go to prison poor, so I took a couple things up my ass with me.

Speaker 86 Took 30 methadone, two ounces of weed,

Speaker 86 half a can of bugler,

Speaker 35 rolling tobacco.

Speaker 86 A can. Can a bugler.
And

Speaker 86 when I got there, I was a popular kid all of a sudden. Wasn't getting picked on anymore.

Speaker 86 I guess that's all my time.

Speaker 53 Was there more? Did you want to do more?

Speaker 84 Go ahead. Oh, that was it? Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 20 You were just naming stuff that you shoved up your ass.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 49 I thought you were getting like a punchline or something.

Speaker 104 There's more, but yeah.

Speaker 98 Okay, well, if you want to do the rest, do the rest.

Speaker 35 It's long.

Speaker 72 How long?

Speaker 86 I don't know, 15 seconds?

Speaker 125 Well, go, do the 15 seconds.

Speaker 16 Jesus, we spent 15 seconds telling you to do the fucking 15 seconds.

Speaker 86 Yeah, so the worst part about shoving all those drugs up my ass was all the times I went to court and didn't go to prison.

Speaker 69 Like,

Speaker 25 fucking...

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 56 Yeah, it's very important that you do that part.

Speaker 105 That's called the punchline. Right.

Speaker 8 All of that was set up. You're just naming things you shoved up your ass.

Speaker 15 I had a feeling there was something more there.

Speaker 117 Welcome, welcome. Nervous.

Speaker 11 Fun stuff. You did very good.

Speaker 74 Thank you. Good job, Carl.

Speaker 57 You rolled right off of the lady's kidney, right into it.

Speaker 43 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 117 First time.

Speaker 16 Really? Wow.

Speaker 8 How old are you?

Speaker 35 44. 44?

Speaker 141 Yeah, what have you been doing with your life up until this point?

Speaker 86 Oh, methamphetamines? Yeah.

Speaker 127 Dice, what do you think about this guy?

Speaker 69 He's been working the asshole thing out.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 69 I mean, that's a lot of stuff to get out.

Speaker 66 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 113 Yeah, my.

Speaker 86 Yeah, it's a lot.

Speaker 69 It's like you should pay a toll to go in.

Speaker 65 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 86 Look, I just shoved shit in there until there was no more room.

Speaker 108 That's a lot of stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 86 You grind up the weed and pack it down and kind of make like.

Speaker 136 I don't have to know the exact thing. Yeah.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Well,

Speaker 24 I mean, you're definitely exaggerating, right?

Speaker 86 No, no, no, no. No, seriously.

Speaker 75 100%.

Speaker 147 You're being dead serious?

Speaker 75 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 111 Three ounces of weed?

Speaker 86 No, no, two ounces of weed and a half a can of Beaugler rolling tobacco.

Speaker 75 Like the big can. Oh my God, two ounces?

Speaker 86 Now you grind it up in a coffee grinder and you pack it in a pill bottle tight and then you put it in a condom and about a half ounce is about the size of an egg and you make anal beads with condoms.

Speaker 35 Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Speaker 31 How many, oh my God.

Speaker 25 Dude,

Speaker 86 so the day I got sentenced, I shot up like 30 fucking, I don't know, 300 milligrams of morphine and I ate the mushrooms and I shoved all that shit up my ass.

Speaker 86 My mom was knocking on the door and she's like, you're going to miss your sentencing. Get all that shit up your ass.

Speaker 112 Your mom was encouraging you to shove shit up your ass.

Speaker 86 She said, hurry up, get all that shit up your ass.

Speaker 66 Well, she wasn't going to stop me.

Speaker 86 No one's going to walk in and stop me.

Speaker 69 Why would his mom know about what's going on?

Speaker 47 That's a great question.

Speaker 53 Why did your mom know?

Speaker 113 Did you tell her? I don't know.

Speaker 86 I don't even remember my sentencing. I was fucked up.

Speaker 17 But you do remember your mom's.

Speaker 86 oh I remember that part that was right up your ass yeah that was right after I ate the mushrooms but by the time I got to the courthouse I was fucking frying balls so the painkillers I understand because you're about to shove so much shit up your ass the mushrooms that was just what to make it all fun or something

Speaker 86 have some laughs I took all the drugs

Speaker 99 aren't you afraid that the mushroom giggling was gonna make the stuff fall out of your ass I actually never thought of that

Speaker 87 I'm gonna up your I'm gonna shove stuff up your ass genius so if you ever have any more questions if anyone wants to to write in to my magazine, shove shit up your ass monthly.

Speaker 56 Yes, that is our official sound effect.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 102 Sorry, dice.

Speaker 46 So you have...

Speaker 69 How were we in prison?

Speaker 86 Oh, only like 18 months.

Speaker 35 And what was it for?

Speaker 86 Residential burglary?

Speaker 35 What?

Speaker 86 Residential burglary.

Speaker 52 Okay, so tell us about this robbery.

Speaker 91 Was this like home alone style?

Speaker 107 You broke through a window and then you're walking over a bed of nails.

Speaker 13 Just like, ah!

Speaker 49 Like, anything fun happened during the, here we go.

Speaker 22 Give me some good residential robbery music.

Speaker 152 Here we go.

Speaker 137 Nice and easy on the drums.

Speaker 86 So I used to just walk around in the middle of the day and I would knock on doors. And if no one answered, I'd rob them.
And if they did answer, I'd be like, hey, is Steve here?

Speaker 120 And then

Speaker 86 I watched this house for like two weeks, right? And I fucking finally decided to rob it. And it was different than it normally been.
There was a blanket up in the window that wasn't normally there.

Speaker 86 So I went around the back and I went to open up the back window and i got a 357 magnum put in my face hell yeah and uh and i said is steve here

Speaker 86 and

Speaker 118 yeah

Speaker 25 he said

Speaker 86 he said steve don't live here bro and i was like are you sure because he said if he wasn't home just come through the back window

Speaker 86 And he's like, I'm going to fucking kill you. So I left.

Speaker 112 So you just left?

Speaker 86 Yeah, I just walked away.

Speaker 19 So that was a time where you got close.

Speaker 141 How about the the one that you got in trouble for?

Speaker 86 Wasn't too interesting. I didn't really get that much.

Speaker 18 What did you get to steal from that place?

Speaker 86 A bunch of fucking,

Speaker 86 like the

Speaker 86 turquoise bullshit, fucking sterling silver jewelry. It's the best thing they had.
It's like the worst robbery ever, and it's someone I got busted for, you know?

Speaker 47 Why?

Speaker 69 Always Steve?

Speaker 86 I don't don't know, man. Steve was my friend's name growing up, and I just, that was the first name that came to mind.

Speaker 69 You never even thought to maybe go Paul here?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 69 You just stuck with Steve.

Speaker 86 I just stuck with Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 75 The old.

Speaker 35 That got me. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 86 I'm sober now.

Speaker 57 Did they give you a name?

Speaker 29 Were you like known for your robberies or whatever?

Speaker 89 Were you like the Steve bandit or something?

Speaker 86 No,

Speaker 86 no, they just called me a piece of shit.

Speaker 61 Right.

Speaker 148 What's the greatest home robbery you ever got away with?

Speaker 79 What's the biggest take?

Speaker 86 I got an AK-47.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 86 Got an AK-47 and I got a...

Speaker 18 Did you ever get an FSGS?

Speaker 66 Nope.

Speaker 86 Not yet.

Speaker 11 AK-47, what else? Just

Speaker 86 a fucking couple pistols and a bunch of jewelry.

Speaker 154 Fuck, yeah.

Speaker 86 I fucking robbed a house on a skateboard.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 86 God. I robbed a house on a skateboard.
I remember at night, you know what? I want to.

Speaker 18 Did you ever think about just carjacking somebody at that point?

Speaker 86 Oh, we used to do that too.

Speaker 117 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 93 How many cars do you think you've carjacked?

Speaker 86 I stole about three to six cars a night for like

Speaker 3 I love the we can go.

Speaker 125 This is a show where I pull out of a bucket.

Speaker 22 One second a guy's going, I used to steal three to six cars a night.

Speaker 15 The next bucket blows, I need a kidney kidney.

Speaker 84 I'm gonna fucking die if I don't get a kidney.

Speaker 3 Then there's this piece of shit.

Speaker 13 One time I stole a couple's baby right out of their fucking cradle with an AK-47.

Speaker 5 I don't like babies.

Speaker 28 You should steal his kidney.

Speaker 75 That would make sense.

Speaker 63 Yeah, no shit.

Speaker 25 We'll do a heist.

Speaker 152 Some kidney carmen. Kidney heist.

Speaker 35 Yeah. I love it.

Speaker 35 Wow.

Speaker 79 So what do you do for work now?

Speaker 86 I own a construction company.

Speaker 96 Oh, why do you laugh when you say that?

Speaker 116 That's just what your steamer is.

Speaker 86 Because of all the shit I just fucking said.

Speaker 97 Hey, I'm a construction. I own a construction.
Let me come in and measure your door frames.

Speaker 155 Let me help you out.

Speaker 150 No, man, I've got to.

Speaker 97 You have an extra key I could borrow so that I could come and do some work while you're on vacation.

Speaker 155 You can trust me.

Speaker 100 Look at the fucking crow on my head. I was bullied when I was a kid.

Speaker 69 You have any idea how many times you have to be called a f ⁇ get to put the old crow?

Speaker 108 Dude, if

Speaker 14 being called a f ⁇ et means you have to have a crow on your head, I'd have a whole fucking bird's nest up here.

Speaker 86 I'm 11 years sober now.

Speaker 148 11 years sober.

Speaker 127 I love it.

Speaker 18 How did you how did you get sober?

Speaker 82 What was your secret?

Speaker 86 Oh fuck man. I uh

Speaker 65 all right

Speaker 54 There's our drunk blind bass player everybody just smiling having a good old fucking time

Speaker 93 He's been through two episodes today, this fucking guy smiling ear to ear just whiskey to the brim

Speaker 86 I did a lot of heroin, did a lot of meth, ended up homeless, living in a fucking creek bed. Someone...

Speaker 79 Wait, what's a creek bed?

Speaker 35 Like, in literally

Speaker 155 Jesus Christ, wait, yo.

Speaker 3 I'm like, whoa, I've never heard of this.

Speaker 107 What design is a creek bed?

Speaker 87 Is that an idea?

Speaker 64 What kind of model is that?

Speaker 13 I've never heard of a creek bed. Is it like a water bed?

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like an actual fucking creek, like a bed of water.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ Almighty, dude.

Speaker 3 How do you even end up somewhere so uncomfortable?

Speaker 13 Like, it's like anywhere.

Speaker 84 I mean, find a dirt bed before a creek bed.

Speaker 75 They stay dry. You're just like, I'm fucking freezing.

Speaker 155 Oh, it's so hard.

Speaker 87 This sucks.

Speaker 75 That is the worst.

Speaker 107 That truly is bottom.

Speaker 155 That's below bottom.

Speaker 75 You're literally seed level.

Speaker 100 Right.

Speaker 86 Well, someone stole my shoes off my feet while I was sleeping. They stole my top ramen and my toilet paper.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 75 You kept the top ramen and the toilet paper in the creek with you?

Speaker 86 No, I had a duffel bag. I had a stole a duffel bag.

Speaker 141 Wow. Isn't that amazing? Yeah.

Speaker 71 I mean, wow.

Speaker 134 At least if they, you.

Speaker 21 It's such an interesting collection.

Speaker 19 My shoes, my top robin, and my toilet paper.

Speaker 76 They left me with almost nothing.

Speaker 20 I can't believe they took your toilet paper.

Speaker 86 I had a strike on my record. I had Pryor's.
I did a, like a, I basically fucking threw a brick through a window and looted a store. And because of all my

Speaker 86 O'Reilly's.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 138 Welcome to another episode of White Looters, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 It's a very rare show.

Speaker 14 No one's heard of it or pitched it before.

Speaker 28 It's a show called White Looters, where instead of your normal shoe stores or clothing stores like the normal looting types, like the loot, it's called White Looters.

Speaker 3 I'm suspecting...

Speaker 13 I got eight wrenches, dude. Fuck it.

Speaker 125 I got two $20.

Speaker 113 Two $1,800 generators.

Speaker 132 Oh, I got so many generators, dude.

Speaker 132 I'm a fucking, I'm my own energy source.

Speaker 3 I'm going to start my own fucking construction company, dude.

Speaker 13 White looting. This is incredible.

Speaker 20 I've never heard of such a thing.

Speaker 19 Usually our senior looting correspondent is John Dees back here.

Speaker 86 Wow. So I fucking was getting about

Speaker 86 eight years in prison they were going to give me because of all the priors and shit like that. Yeah.
A parole officer came in, in, my jail cell, and said, You want to try rehab again?

Speaker 86 And I said, Yeah, why not? I literally fucking didn't think I was gonna, you know, I was going to prison. I was like, Fuck it, rehab has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I'll go to rehab.

Speaker 86 Yeah, so I was literally living in a fucking creek bed with no top ramen.

Speaker 35 So,

Speaker 86 uh, so I went to rehab, um, I got sober.

Speaker 141 You could cook the top ramen if you were homeless, bro.

Speaker 86 You just fucking

Speaker 86 just eat it, dude.

Speaker 100 You could put creek water in it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 75 Oh, God,

Speaker 102 that's gutter water.

Speaker 100 Oh, my God, Creek water ramen.

Speaker 16 Wow, that's, I mean, this hasn't even been thought of before.

Speaker 75 Holy shit.

Speaker 47 What's the worst?

Speaker 111 See, we're finding that this is a common thing for you.

Speaker 75 Like, yeah, creek water ramen.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 29 So let me ask you this.

Speaker 30 What is the worst thing you've eaten in all your prison and all your rehab and all your homeless and all your drug-induced time?

Speaker 18 You're 11 years sober now.

Speaker 141 By a miracle,

Speaker 156 by a miracle, you're here performing.

Speaker 114 What's the worst thing you ever ate?

Speaker 35 Oh, fuck, probably shit.

Speaker 26 Wait, how did you eat shit?

Speaker 81 You had to eat it so that you could shove more drugs up your ass?

Speaker 90 What happened here exactly?

Speaker 86 Smoke shit. Wait, did you? After you get all that weed out of your ass, it always smells like doo-doo.

Speaker 132 Oh,

Speaker 135 wow.

Speaker 69 Worst, you realize, million people are going to see this.

Speaker 86 Ain't gonna remember this shit in two weeks.

Speaker 86 I don't really give a fuck. I talk about this shit in AA meetings.

Speaker 35 So,

Speaker 69 A isn't millions.

Speaker 75 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 86 Yeah, but I have to see them again. You know what I mean? I don't have to see any of you again.

Speaker 137 I like your perspective.

Speaker 106 I think you're a fucking funny guy.

Speaker 18 Anything else crazy we should know about you, even though this interview's gone on forever?

Speaker 86 When I got out of prison and I got sober, I got a gym membership, and I ended up taking a shower with the judge that sent me to prison.

Speaker 86 He had a gym membership

Speaker 86 at the same gym as me. Oh, wow.
And so I walk into the fucking shower, but fucking naked, and there's Judge Curl. Hey, Judge Curl.

Speaker 9 You said hi to him?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 100 Do you think he remembered you?

Speaker 104 He looked terrified, so yeah.

Speaker 25 Yeah, I bet he fucking did.

Speaker 86 Yeah, I just got out. I was fucking, I was probably about 20 pounds heavier, muscle.

Speaker 35 Holy shit.

Speaker 137 Holy shit.

Speaker 79 So before I let you go, what's next for your...

Speaker 69 He just said the judge's name to millions.

Speaker 152 he is

Speaker 46 he is out here just giving it all away

Speaker 35 i don't care man i love it but yet

Speaker 69 he never mentioned if

Speaker 69 he got back together with steve

Speaker 86 when's the last time you saw steve uh funny thing when i got sober um they told me that i could make like my higher power for sobriety whatever i wanted to so i just named it steve Wow because I'm like Steve stopped me from getting my fucking head shot off right wow when's the last time you talked to Steve this morning wow you talk to him every day yeah yeah does he know that you were gonna sign up for the show probably

Speaker 18 well you told him you were signing up for the show uh yeah so it wouldn't be a probably it would be yeah yeah that he knew that you signed up for the show

Speaker 35 what's Steve's last name

Speaker 88 no you don't say that no no no

Speaker 109 no

Speaker 18 so you just did stand up here What are your goals?

Speaker 13 What's your hope with all this?

Speaker 153 Is this a one-time, like, what do you...

Speaker 86 Bro, I don't have anything like this where I'm from.

Speaker 35 Where are you from again?

Speaker 86 Red in California.

Speaker 35 Ah, yeah. I don't know if you know where it is.
Meth Country.

Speaker 86 Yes, Meth Country. Yes.

Speaker 18 North of Modesto?

Speaker 75 It's

Speaker 86 right between Sacramento and Oregon.

Speaker 5 So it's a half point.

Speaker 86 So it's two and a half hours north of Sacramento.

Speaker 155 Wow.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Look it up on a map, people. That's frightening.

Speaker 129 It's the Rochester of California.

Speaker 86 We got Fetty.

Speaker 93 I'm telling you, man, Carl, you really have a you really have a knack at this going right up, straight into a kidney thing and the good

Speaker 51 everything at the end, and throughout your delivery and everything for

Speaker 92 you know, for your fucking life. It's incredible.

Speaker 81 Congratulations.

Speaker 148 Here's a big joke, book.

Speaker 68 There goes Carl Purz.

Speaker 83 We're gonna do something fun before this next inside bucket pull, which is Dante.

Speaker 23 So Dante, if you wanna come up and get behind the stage, you can do that now.

Speaker 149 It'll save us some time. Congrats to Dante.

Speaker 91 He's gonna be next.

Speaker 84 But before that,

Speaker 45 we're gonna do something special real quick.

Speaker 43 A very, very special treat.

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago, I

Speaker 56 and my friends did the roast of Jelly Roll, the 40th surprise birthday roast of Jelly roll.

Speaker 128 And it was just a surprise for Jelly Roll for his birthday.

Speaker 76 It wasn't recorded or anything like that.

Speaker 49 It's not going anywhere.

Speaker 21 And one person

Speaker 91 in particular really roasted the fuck out of me.

Speaker 11 And she is one of my longest friends in comedy.

Speaker 49 Since I started almost 18 years ago.

Speaker 56 Ladies and gentlemen, here, just to share the roast jokes from the roast of jelly roll that were on me.

Speaker 9 I present to you one of my favorite comedians.

Speaker 11 comedians, one of the best.

Speaker 9 She just fucking lit New Year's Eve on fire on CNN.

Speaker 8 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only Whitney Cummings.

Speaker 71 Hi, everyone.

Speaker 110 I love you, Tony.

Speaker 42 Can I just start by saying I love you very much? You're my brother. But

Speaker 42 here's the thing: I did want to start talking about the Trump rally thing because it's like, I don't want to keep bringing it up. Like, that needs to go away.

Speaker 42 It's just that it was so crazy to me that, like, the Trump rally, like, that was just so not set up for comedy at all.

Speaker 42 The fact that you just like went out there, like, it wasn't set up for comedy at all. Like, you walked up there at the Trump rally, half the audience was like, oh, an abortion victim is speaking.

Speaker 42 We get to hear from a baby who was terminated at nine months.

Speaker 42 But I will say, to be clear, Tony Hinchcliffe is not racist, okay? He just looks racist.

Speaker 42 Tony looks like the kind of guy who says the full N-word when he's singing along to Broadway show tunes.

Speaker 42 Tony, you were at what was considered the most disastrous Trump rally, and there was one where he got shot in the head.

Speaker 42 Two people died in Pennsylvania. Yours was the most upsetting.

Speaker 42 At least when two people got shot in the head, at least we didn't have to hear Jennifer Lopez give a speech about it. Like, that was...

Speaker 42 And then the next day, do you remember Donald Trump pretended not to know who you were?

Speaker 42 This is a man who publicly admitted to being friends with Jeffrey Epstein. This is a man who wished Ghelaine Maxwell well when she went to prison.
On TV, he pretended not to know it.

Speaker 42 You suck Trump's dick, and then he pretended not to know you. Now you know what it's like to be a Miss USA contestant.

Speaker 42 And this was not the first time something like this happened. A little while back, Tony got in trouble for saying the C word.
That's right. Some cunt got mad that he said chank.

Speaker 42 You know, Tony was actually, he came here like, you know, during the pandemic, you know, I love his like new look, being in Texas, like being a more Western guy.

Speaker 42 I didn't know they sold cowboy boots at Build-A-Bear.

Speaker 42 Tony, I love you so much. What an honor to be on Kill Tony.
What a trip.

Speaker 68 Whitney fucking Cummings.

Speaker 64 What a cool drop-in.

Speaker 62 Here, roasting my ass.

Speaker 8 Make some fucking noise for the great Whitney Comics, everybody.

Speaker 23 What a cool fucking cameo, huh?

Speaker 9 We having fun here tonight.

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Speaker 42 Be unstoppable.

Speaker 37 Come into your local store today.

Speaker 39 At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments. It's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Speaker 39 Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

Speaker 39 From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows. Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

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Speaker 158 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 56 All right, back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 136 Like I said, three insides in a row.

Speaker 99 The odds of that are

Speaker 15 absolutely insane.

Speaker 54 It's never happened before.

Speaker 129 Again, there's literally hundreds of people, comedians in a bar across the street, and somehow the inside is that lucky.

Speaker 23 Make some noise for Dante, everybody.

Speaker 115 Dante from the inside.

Speaker 159 Hello, Austin. How you doing?

Speaker 159 I'm here with my new fiancé. She just got us tickets, and we got to fly out here to come see the show.

Speaker 159 She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving for the first time.
I come from a big family, four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family.

Speaker 159 So, as we were all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything, we called a dressing. She said, What's the difference between dressing and stuffing?

Speaker 159 I said, Well, I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this.

Speaker 105 Just kidding.

Speaker 75 She's going to kill me for that.

Speaker 159 She did like me because she said I was a fun guy, like a mushroom.

Speaker 117 I met her in a bar.

Speaker 159 We were sitting there.

Speaker 159 She had told me that, he's still laughing.

Speaker 159 I just got it.

Speaker 159 She told me that

Speaker 159 we were sitting in a bar and she bought me a drink. And she said, why are you sitting in here alone? I said, well, I just got, I just broke up with my ex.

Speaker 159 She said I was too kinky for her.

Speaker 159 And

Speaker 159 she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex too. He said that I was too kinky.
And so one thing led to another. I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky.

Speaker 159 So we go back to her house. We're hanging out.
She says, let me go into the bathroom.

Speaker 53 All right.

Speaker 75 Just keep going now because we're already almost there.

Speaker 20 Is this another street joke or is this like a real joke that you made up?

Speaker 110 It was a real joke.

Speaker 143 Okay, keep going.

Speaker 159 So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat of ninetal stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as fuck.
And

Speaker 159 I'm standing at the door ready to leave. And she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were going to get kinky.
I said, well, I already fucked your poodle and shit in your purse.

Speaker 8 You're like a street jokes guy.

Speaker 45 You've heard these jokes before.

Speaker 75 I've never done this. This is episode one.

Speaker 83 Well, I know, but you signed up and you just did jokes that you've been told by funny friends before.

Speaker 44 What's the difference between dressing and stuffing?

Speaker 84 What, Tom?

Speaker 47 Well, I won't be dressing my, right?

Speaker 3 You didn't write these, right?

Speaker 75 No, I didn't. Right, exactly.

Speaker 107 That's what people are doing here.

Speaker 75 Well, the Thanksgiving one I wrote, I guess.

Speaker 159 I didn't write anything. I just kind of memorized it.

Speaker 46 I got you.

Speaker 69 You know what it is.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Hit me with it, Dice.

Speaker 28 This is perhaps.

Speaker 69 She's trying to look good in front of the fiancé, right?

Speaker 75 Oh, yeah. Well, this isn't going to look good in front of her for now.
You don't.

Speaker 13 Yeah, she's going to be upset with me.

Speaker 69 You don't.

Speaker 95 Hey.

Speaker 95 We all agree.

Speaker 15 Even Michael just.

Speaker 56 She's going to get the ring back.

Speaker 69 Maybe that's what the aim was. I don't know.

Speaker 69 I'm just here.

Speaker 45 It is true.

Speaker 20 Dice is correct.

Speaker 79 This is backfiring.

Speaker 18 Even Michael Gonzalez, one of the nicest guys in the world, yelled, that's right, when Dice said, you don't do that.

Speaker 114 So, do you think that she really loves you, or do you think that this may have entirely backfired?

Speaker 71 No, she loves me.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 106 How long have you two been together?

Speaker 117 About five years now.

Speaker 49 Five years. How long have you been engaged?

Speaker 159 Four months.

Speaker 30 Four months.

Speaker 89 And this,

Speaker 18 when's this wedding planned?

Speaker 114 When's it gonna take place? Do you know?

Speaker 159 We're probably gonna, we haven't, we haven't picked a date yet.

Speaker 159 No, my daughter's getting married, and so we're kind of letting her do her thing first, got to pay for that and deal with that, and then we'll do ours afterwards.

Speaker 82 Is this your second marriage?

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 71 both, yeah.

Speaker 82 Is this her first marriage, the fiancé?

Speaker 152 Uh, second, also.

Speaker 69 This is the funny shit.

Speaker 43 This is the funny shit.

Speaker 79 Both of your second marriages.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 69 With baggage other fucking kids to all fucking thing. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 18 Did she sign up as well?

Speaker 140 Did your fiancé sign up?

Speaker 71 No, no, she didn't. No.

Speaker 82 You guys came here, just the two of you.

Speaker 13 Just the two of us, yep.

Speaker 18 And where'd you come from again?

Speaker 159 We came from Orlando.

Speaker 74 Orlando?

Speaker 46 Okay. Is that where you, that's where you live?

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 75 We just saw you in Orlando like three months ago.

Speaker 92 What do you do for work in Orlando?

Speaker 35 I build pools for a living.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 114 That seems like you'd be pretty busy out there.

Speaker 35 We are. Yeah, we're busy.

Speaker 20 What part of the trip did you decide that you were going to sign up for the show?

Speaker 159 Were you driving here? No, she walked by while we were in line standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up?

Speaker 47 Wait, you decided then?

Speaker 102 I wasn't going to until she walked by because...

Speaker 79 Well, I mean, of course she's going to walk by.

Speaker 35 People that were around you were there there to sign up right

Speaker 159 well I I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to poor choices

Speaker 35 and sign up and we didn't we didn't make it over there we were kind of we got here about 745 so what do you stand outside kind of confused did was there a special sign-up thing that happened someone walking by yeah you guys heard this as well all right and someone yelled does anyone want to sign up and so just a bunch of dumbasses were like well yeah they need convenience

Speaker 102 just Just me. I think that's the one.

Speaker 65 Oh, you were the only one?

Speaker 75 Maybe. I don't know.
It was a long line, actually.

Speaker 43 Well, no, yeah, well, that's a common thing.

Speaker 18 No, it's a common thing that we would have to do because they have to get the sign-ups from the people that do want to sign up that are coming in from the ins,

Speaker 130 from the audience.

Speaker 21 So, yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Speaker 47 But the part that doesn't make sense, this is the first time I do believe in the show's history in which I ever heard that someone decided right then just because someone was taking, like, you know what the show is.

Speaker 29 And then here you are doing fucking

Speaker 159 jokes. I figured fuck it.
We came here. I'm gonna do it, you know.

Speaker 21 How do you feel?

Speaker 53 How do you feel now? Now that's cool.

Speaker 11 People with courage, these are the people that would go fucking bungee jumping and forget to connect the cord.

Speaker 43 Like they're all just like woo adventure.

Speaker 131 Yeah, go for it.

Speaker 75 Fuck out, chase your dreams.

Speaker 76 But look at look at them now.

Speaker 103 Look at them.

Speaker 103 Hey,

Speaker 20 I'm with dice on this one.

Speaker 79 I think you may have just fucked up the rest of your life.

Speaker 84 How old are you?

Speaker 159 Actually, just turned 49.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 69 More kids? You think there's going to be more kids?

Speaker 71 No, no more.

Speaker 69 How do you know that?

Speaker 113 Because I can't have kids.

Speaker 69 How old is she?

Speaker 35 33.

Speaker 44 How'd you guys meet?

Speaker 69 There might be some more kids.

Speaker 51 How did you meet?

Speaker 18 Were you back there putting in a pool or something?

Speaker 159 No,

Speaker 159 we actually met at a bar. She was bartending at Twin Peaks in Orlando.

Speaker 8 i i saw her when she walked in i was clapping extra hard she's a fucking roots for team gold digger over here look at this one i said i need to get your number a big win for

Speaker 98 tits

Speaker 75 wow she does have nice tits well

Speaker 159 is she right here um no she's somewhere back at uh all right all right

Speaker 43 Are they out? Are the tits out tonight?

Speaker 149 Kino, get us some house lighting here. Let's see what's what's going on.

Speaker 74 Oh, wow.

Speaker 103 Okay. Oh, wow.
All right.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 105 My pool just went above ground.

Speaker 142 Look at that.

Speaker 60 It's incredible.

Speaker 84 What do you think about frothy pee?

Speaker 90 Fucking disgusting.

Speaker 31 Unbelievable.

Speaker 76 Turn the lights back off.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 47 Dante, I spent way, way, way too much time with you.

Speaker 153 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 26 There he goes.

Speaker 23 Suicidal Dante, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 43 This is your next comedian.

Speaker 11 This was an actual comedian from across the street.

Speaker 23 Make some noise for him.

Speaker 57 He knew he was signing up for the show before he got here.

Speaker 11 Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Mike Jones.

Speaker 128 Mike Jones.

Speaker 89 When a man gets pregnant, does a baby come out of his asshole?

Speaker 159 Could you imagine being the delivery doctor? I mean,

Speaker 159 dude's gonna shit a baby?

Speaker 75 You're like, push!

Speaker 34 Oh, God, that was fucking disgusting. The dads are horrified.

Speaker 159 Sue you for hate speech, you piece of shit.

Speaker 159 You gotta feel bad for days that want kids, though. First, you gotta come in his dick dick hole.

Speaker 111 Sounds hard.

Speaker 71 Right, Tony?

Speaker 159 But I have a solution.

Speaker 159 It's a double-ended fleshlight.

Speaker 159 Now, gays can stare each other in the eyes. You know?

Speaker 159 Fuck with a little decency.

Speaker 159 Or you could just pull the plug from the middle, right as you both come. Then it's like a little gay fountain.

Speaker 159 So basically,

Speaker 159 you can be as gay as you want with it, Tony.

Speaker 2 Very cool. Thank you.

Speaker 95 I guess I'm the gay one after somehow all that gay shit that you thought of and wrote and memorized, you fucking freak.

Speaker 95 Yes, good one, Mike.

Speaker 24 This is the hardest I've been roasted the whole episode was your gay fantasies.

Speaker 54 And you go, right, Tony?

Speaker 92 It's like, how am I the fucking gay one?

Speaker 59 You're the gay one, you creep.

Speaker 159 You're hurting my feelings, man.

Speaker 67 How's it going, bud? How are you?

Speaker 49 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 159 This is my first time on stand-up.

Speaker 90 What is going on tonight?

Speaker 26 This is just annoying at this point.

Speaker 95 It's a bunch of mentally ill people like, you'll never believe.

Speaker 25 This is my first time.

Speaker 89 It is.

Speaker 23 They were not surprised.

Speaker 129 It wasn't any better than we've had three first times before you tonight.

Speaker 16 They were all better.

Speaker 111 That hurts.

Speaker 95 I know. It's hard to believe.

Speaker 23 So, Mike, tell us, what made you want to start tonight?

Speaker 75 How old are you?

Speaker 71 What's that? How old are you?

Speaker 34 I'm 40.

Speaker 23 Yep. What made you want to start tonight?

Speaker 159 So, uh, yeah, so I made a card game, actually.

Speaker 103 Oh, God.

Speaker 13 All right.

Speaker 25 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 12 I'm going to keep it moving along. Yeah, no, I know, no.

Speaker 127 Yeah, I don't want you to promote your stupid card game. Let's go.

Speaker 9 We're keeping it moving.

Speaker 11 It's okay.

Speaker 26 Put the mic back in the mic, Stan.

Speaker 59 There you go.

Speaker 23 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 95 People used to come on this show to like try to make it.

Speaker 27 So many people.

Speaker 12 Now it's fucking people, I got a new car game, I need a kidney.

Speaker 28 So many real comedies.

Speaker 65 He made the guy

Speaker 69 the guy before him look like an absolute fucking genius.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Like I would buy a ticket to see the guy before him.

Speaker 69 I mean, that was what at 40 years old, why in your right mind would you go, I'm gonna go out and talk about sucking cum out of another guy's dickhead?

Speaker 35 You understand?

Speaker 75 I agree.

Speaker 69 There's issues there. I agree.

Speaker 59 Dante is bawling out of control in the middle of the room right now.

Speaker 23 He's sucking on his fiancé's tits in celebration of how good Mike Jones just made him look.

Speaker 69 You never know what's bad till you just see something way fucking worse.

Speaker 158 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's it.

Speaker 88 So true.

Speaker 45 It's so true.

Speaker 54 Well, hopefully this gets better.

Speaker 23 We got another bucket pull.

Speaker 93 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Candace August, everybody.

Speaker 55 Candace August.

Speaker 42 Hello, Austin. How you doing?

Speaker 42 All right, let's get right into it. I realize I'm a hypocrite when it comes to my health, a hypocrite, because when the COVID vaccine came out, I was like, absolutely not.

Speaker 42 There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health.

Speaker 42 Then when Ozempit came out, I was like, give me that shit right now.

Speaker 65 Right now.

Speaker 147 You can put it right here, doc. Put it right.

Speaker 42 You said 40 pounds in two months, both sides. Put it on both.

Speaker 42 Lost a bit of weight, but no not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere.

Speaker 42 uh thank you so much they're real big as you can see and they rub together when i walk so because of the friction they're very dark in the middle super black right here don't look away tony very black

Speaker 42 super black in the middle

Speaker 42 When I say black, y'all, these thighs could have marched with Dr. King.

Speaker 8 Just black as shit.

Speaker 42 I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a newport from a bunch of people.

Speaker 5 Oh my god.

Speaker 16 I want to hear more about the black thighs.

Speaker 149 Let her go.

Speaker 112 I'm sorry. That was the time limit.

Speaker 28 Do you have more black thighs stuff?

Speaker 14 I'm doing.

Speaker 87 Yeah, absolutely. My last one, this is my closer.

Speaker 42 It says,

Speaker 42 I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a new port from a nigga.

Speaker 35 This is

Speaker 8 a breath of fresh air. Candace August

Speaker 8 has arrived to the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 8 I can't tell whether you're great or the rest of the show is sucked that bad.

Speaker 23 Dice was just reminding us.

Speaker 43 We don't know what's bad until we just got word.

Speaker 28 Dante.

Speaker 42 Oh, you can't, Andrew Dice. Hi.
I'm sorry. I didn't look over.
Hi.

Speaker 104 It's okay.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Look at that.

Speaker 124 Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 I didn't mean to interrupt you. Sorry, Tony.
Go right ahead.

Speaker 48 No, it's great.

Speaker 84 You killed.

Speaker 100 How long have you been doing stand-ups?

Speaker 42 11 years. 11 years

Speaker 138 all of it in Atlanta or how long have you

Speaker 42 Houston or Atlanta which one is it here come on yes one more one more black city

Speaker 42 somebody said it really it's New Orleans DC oh yeah DC makes sense so I started in DC and then I moved to New Jersey so I did New Jersey New York and then I most recently just came from the Tampa comedy scene.

Speaker 29 I love it. And now you live here?

Speaker 42 Now I live. Just moved here like a month ago.

Speaker 148 That's fantastic.

Speaker 8 This is exactly where you belong.

Speaker 160 You are in the right place at the right time.

Speaker 25 I love it.

Speaker 73 And you were a bigger girl before, really?

Speaker 75 How much weight did you lose?

Speaker 42 I've lost

Speaker 42 like about 68 pounds. Wow, hell yeah.

Speaker 14 Red band. Come on.

Speaker 126 What's going on over there?

Speaker 65 Red band.

Speaker 5 Sir.

Speaker 59 It's red ban over here.

Speaker 17 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 42 I expected it. I expected it.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 127 His inner thighs are also black from all the melted chocolate when he falls asleep at night.

Speaker 56 Easty.

Speaker 54 Falls asleep with milk duds on his lap, this fucking guy.

Speaker 16 I love it, Candace.

Speaker 155 So

Speaker 44 how about for a job?

Speaker 18 How long have you been answering customer service calls?

Speaker 42 I I actually do do phone sales.

Speaker 9 God damn it.

Speaker 42 Can you tell by my voice?

Speaker 5 Absolutely.

Speaker 75 I love it.

Speaker 2 You do.

Speaker 153 You have a lovely, lovely voice.

Speaker 35 Thank you.

Speaker 75 Is it really true that your inner thighs are blacker than the other?

Speaker 87 Yeah, they're very darker.

Speaker 42 In the middle from the friction? Yeah, they're darker.

Speaker 2 Is that a thing?

Speaker 42 Redband with the assist. Thank you.

Speaker 5 Absolutely.

Speaker 23 Our senior big thigh correspondent, Brian Redband.

Speaker 18 Absolutely incredible, Candace.

Speaker 100 I love your energy.

Speaker 14 Did you move here alone? You got a man?

Speaker 42 I have a husband. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 16 How long have you two been together?

Speaker 42 We just got married. 2323.
So February 3rd, 2023.

Speaker 100 Okay. Yeah.
Amazing.

Speaker 102 2323. Easy to remember.

Speaker 76 I like it. What does he do?

Speaker 42 He also does. He works at a debt consolidation company.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Oh, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 111 Normally they're the ones doing the calling for debt consolidation.

Speaker 18 It's interesting that there's a

Speaker 12 someone with experience on the other end of the line.

Speaker 43 That's so fun.

Speaker 84 And how about your phone call thing?

Speaker 130 What's that?

Speaker 42 I also work at a debt consolidation company. We work at two different, but we both work at debt settlement and

Speaker 42 consolidation companies.

Speaker 75 That's amazing.

Speaker 79 What are the odds that you both, did you guys, oh, you guys met at work?

Speaker 42 We did not meet there. We did not meet there.
We met on Plenty of Fish.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 42 Yeah, years and years ago.

Speaker 42 I don't recommend it. Plenty of Fish is the ghetto of dating sites.
Don't know.

Speaker 13 Why is that?

Speaker 43 Explain that to us so that we understand.

Speaker 75 Why is Plenty of Fish?

Speaker 42 I don't know. It just had the most horrible trash selection.
He was like the only person on there who

Speaker 42 was great, and I happened to have him, and that's it. So there's no one left.

Speaker 102 There's no one left on there.

Speaker 134 What was that first date like? What did you guys do?

Speaker 42 We went out for like just cocktails. We just had like a drink after work.

Speaker 42 He drank a really like his order was impressive. It was like this really.

Speaker 31 It was like watermelon martini. No.

Speaker 73 Come on, wait here.

Speaker 75 What are you groaning for? We're having fun here.

Speaker 42 You are assuming that my husband is black, sir, and he is not.

Speaker 160 So he was a pina colada.

Speaker 42 He is also not Latino. Guess again.

Speaker 92 Oh, my goodness, he got an old-fashioned.

Speaker 42 He's not white. Do you want to keep guessing, or shall I tell him?

Speaker 155 Oh, my God, he got a hotasake!

Speaker 132 You owe nothing no more.

Speaker 42 I will put you out of your misery. My husband is Indian.

Speaker 8 Oh my god.

Speaker 105 How did I not know with everyone working at a fucking call center?

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 13 You should have known.

Speaker 28 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 107 So what was the order?

Speaker 22 What exactly does an Indian order?

Speaker 84 Mud water?

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 26 You can't get canceled by the Indians.

Speaker 23 They don't listen to the show.

Speaker 12 They don't care about it.

Speaker 23 We're friends with the Sana Mod.

Speaker 48 We're good.

Speaker 42 It was just a very, very top-shelf scotch. He drinks, yeah, and it just, I'm from New Orleans, so like a drink.
Thank you.

Speaker 101 Oh, okay.

Speaker 42 There's a drinking culture there, and just, he just impressed me because he had a very...

Speaker 42 mature order, you know, like not ordering sex on the beach like some fucking teenager.

Speaker 75 Like it was very...

Speaker 82 That is very mature, especially for an Indian.

Speaker 80 Did he perhaps like pour it all over his his hands and stuff and like try to flip it around, mix it with bread?

Speaker 53 And then, like,

Speaker 103 Indians are wild out there.

Speaker 69 We don't even know what kind of Indian she's talking about.

Speaker 135 You know,

Speaker 65 are we thank you?

Speaker 69 Are we talking TP? Are we talking 7-Eleven?

Speaker 69 I'm gonna say,

Speaker 13 I would like a top chef

Speaker 74 liquor.

Speaker 42 You guys just want to offend everyone.

Speaker 74 Welcome.

Speaker 75 Join us.

Speaker 13 Join us.

Speaker 42 Not going to stop until you offend every fucking body.

Speaker 13 Join us.

Speaker 147 We will roast them until they look like your inner thighs.

Speaker 9 Whoever they may be.

Speaker 8 White people aren't safe.

Speaker 127 They're the worst of them all.

Speaker 42 It's an excellent question, sir. In my set, I say, you know, if you need a little bit of clarification, he is not tax-free casino Indian.

Speaker 42 He is cab-driving 7-Eleven Indian. So you hit that right on the nose.
You hit that right on the nose.

Speaker 89 Amazing.

Speaker 111 Amazing.

Speaker 69 But she kicked ass tonight. Yeah.

Speaker 113 It was great.

Speaker 50 That was unbelievable.

Speaker 88 It was unbelievable.

Speaker 104 And truthful about your, you know, the Ozempic thing.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 69 I like them thick and beefy.

Speaker 4 Well, all right.

Speaker 69 You know what I mean? Thinking of you, I'm talking two feet deep from belly to back

Speaker 69 with a triple chin on the back of a head.

Speaker 155 Oh!

Speaker 42 Oh my god, this might be the best day of my life. Oh my god.

Speaker 75 It really is.

Speaker 9 And I gotta tell you, we needed you.

Speaker 23 Every bucket pull has stunk up the stage so much that you would think it was your husband's wife beater in the hamper.

Speaker 62 Like butter chicken, like a...

Speaker 25 Wait, what?

Speaker 128 Shut up.

Speaker 107 What does that even mean?

Speaker 48 What did you just say?

Speaker 16 I don't even know. Red Band may have actually just been racist.

Speaker 56 What is butter chipping?

Speaker 42 That is an Indian dish.

Speaker 90 Oh, buttered chicken. It is an Indian dish.

Speaker 11 That's actually, that was a good one, Red Band.

Speaker 39 Buttered chicken.

Speaker 27 I thought you said butter chippin'.

Speaker 49 I'm like, oh, Jesus.

Speaker 114 I don't even know what that means.

Speaker 137 Wow, that's amazing.

Speaker 154 I cannot, I don't think I've ever seen an Indian man with a black woman before.

Speaker 77 He must have like, how do you think he ended up with that kind of confidence?

Speaker 114 Normally it takes a very specific kind of swagger to get a real, especially a fucking DC Tampa fucking.

Speaker 93 Like, I know what's going on over there.

Speaker 131 But how does a, because these

Speaker 78 Indian guys are normally pretty little, right?

Speaker 123 Are you taller than him?

Speaker 42 No, he's 6'1.

Speaker 155 Whoa, Jesus.

Speaker 42 Maybe 6'Even, 6'1. Yeah, he's tall.

Speaker 154 Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow.

Speaker 4 That is incredible.

Speaker 35 I never even seen one like that.

Speaker 69 Like, if you think of being in the 7-Eleven,

Speaker 69 you're never looking at a tall guy,

Speaker 69 which is the reason I steal.

Speaker 69 I'm not afraid.

Speaker 55 Exactly.

Speaker 152 It is incredible.

Speaker 20 But where do you think he gets that confidence?

Speaker 137 Even with height, I still think that it takes a certain type of guy.

Speaker 141 I've still never seen a tall Indian guy with a powerful black woman either.

Speaker 42 He's just, I don't know, he's just an amazing person.

Speaker 42 I just kind of a quiet confidence, not very braggadocious,

Speaker 42 just kind and generous. Just a great, great person.
I love him more than I've ever loved anything in my life.

Speaker 68 Unbelievable.

Speaker 8 Candace August, I hope you sign up more. I hope we get to see more of you, Red Band.
I would love to have you on the Secret Show.

Speaker 8 Candace August is booked for The Secret Show. There it is.

Speaker 115 Big joke book.

Speaker 8 What an appearance. What a debut.

Speaker 8 That is how it's supposed to go. Make some noise for Candace August, everyone.

Speaker 8 Oh, DiCarl. What a moment.

Speaker 161 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

Speaker 161 Well, with the name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.com.

Speaker 161 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.
Not available in all states.

Speaker 9 Your next bucket pull. Yeah, amazing.

Speaker 69 Avoid the sexiness.

Speaker 35 Oh, wow.

Speaker 101 You know who this looks like.

Speaker 56 All right, let's start from scratch here.

Speaker 8 Let's, I'm gonna give you, I don't normally make a joke at the top of somebody's head. I couldn't help myself.
It was just right there.

Speaker 23 Ladies and gentlemen, a fresh start.

Speaker 112 Make some noise for TJ, everyone.

Speaker 34 Awesome. Thank you guys so much.
You guys are, y'all are real friendly. Like, I had someone just the other day come up to me.
He's like, excuse me, has someone ever told you you look like Kobe Bryant?

Speaker 34 I'm like, nah, I just get Dalzine from Street Fighter.

Speaker 65 Yoga Flame.

Speaker 34 Yeah, but I'm not technically even black. Nah.
like I'm more like Kabala Harris.

Speaker 34 Yeah, like we pretend to be black.

Speaker 34 So

Speaker 34 fuck that bitch.

Speaker 34 Today's Freedom Day. Justin Trudeau just resigned and I'm fucking celebrating.

Speaker 34 51st day, here we come.

Speaker 34 But yeah, I just got back from Japan and people wanted to take pictures with me. Honestly, I didn't know why.
Because I wasn't even wearing this jersey.

Speaker 34 It's a children's large. Yeah, I got it for my 40th birthday four years ago.

Speaker 34 But yeah, honestly, I just want to thank Seamen Retention for the last 18 months because I'm manifesting this fucking moment right now. Thank you for being

Speaker 72 like, yeah.

Speaker 65 All right, TJ, there you go.

Speaker 132 That was your part.

Speaker 31 And now you are in it.

Speaker 21 You're in the interview part, TJ.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 19 First of all, let me tell you, you are the biggest seven-year-old I've ever seen in my entire life.

Speaker 127 You look like a giant child.

Speaker 155 How tall are you exactly, TJ?

Speaker 34 I'm 6'3.

Speaker 48 You're 6'3.

Speaker 34 6'3.

Speaker 20 6'3.

Speaker 46 Okay.

Speaker 153 You're nervous. You got a little slur there.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 114 Dice. What do you think about this guy?

Speaker 35 He might be the Indian husband.

Speaker 26 That's what I'm thinking.

Speaker 47 That's what I'm thinking.

Speaker 20 What ethnicity are you, TJ?

Speaker 34 I'm actually Sri Lankan.

Speaker 59 Oh, what are they known for?

Speaker 63 Tourism. Tourism.
It's a beautiful country. It's way better than...

Speaker 35 Well, are you the head of tourism there?

Speaker 2 It's great.

Speaker 110 I actually... Oh my god.
I knew. Does anyone have a glass of water?

Speaker 55 Okay, he's about to pass out.

Speaker 148 Does anyone have a glass of water?

Speaker 20 These hipsters are handing you their half-filled drinks.

Speaker 23 No, don't do that.

Speaker 26 Don't, no, no, don't do that.

Speaker 74 We have to have a water back here.

Speaker 129 We're going to grab you a water. It's okay.

Speaker 59 I know, it's okay.

Speaker 54 We're going to get you a water.

Speaker 9 Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone.

Speaker 59 What's going on? Look, Kobe Bryant ain't strong enough to open a bottle of water.

Speaker 80 This might be the...

Speaker 127 Kobe looked better than you after the helicopter crash, by the way.

Speaker 49 So TJ, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 34 Just over a year. I quit my corporate job.
I've been doing this full-time.

Speaker 34 I've been touring, like went to Bangkok, opened mics I did a show in uh Tokyo just open mics and how hard are you bombing in Tokyo I can't even imagine yeah

Speaker 34 yeah went to Bangkok for this I did

Speaker 34 live in the dream

Speaker 89 wow wow so all the mentalities okay trying to be better every each and every day okay but do you practice every day I'm trying well I'm here well yeah you're here right now I do this every Monday.

Speaker 47 I've never seen you before, right?

Speaker 34 Yeah, but I made, like, I just started a year ago.

Speaker 35 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 71 All right.

Speaker 111 But you're out at Open Mics practicing every night?

Speaker 35 Yeah. Every night?

Speaker 21 In Austin?

Speaker 34 I just got here three nights ago. I literally just got to Austin.

Speaker 92 Okay, from where?

Speaker 35 From Canada.

Speaker 79 What part of Canada? Toronto.

Speaker 130 Okay, that's why you look like that.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 18 How many times did you get vaccinated? Tell the truth.

Speaker 34 I did not.

Speaker 34 I'm a Republican from Canada.

Speaker 35 I

Speaker 34 did not get vaccinated.

Speaker 133 This is the first time I've ever seen a Republican in a Lakers jersey.

Speaker 109 I don't know if I believe any of this.

Speaker 147 What do you think makes you a Republican?

Speaker 21 Just out of curiosity.

Speaker 147 I don't normally like to get political, but you look too skinny to be a Republican.

Speaker 21 But tell me more. That's coming from me.

Speaker 34 It's just more right-wing. Like, if you think about what's gone on in the world, I feel like...

Speaker 58 All right, forget it.

Speaker 43 I wish I wouldn't have asked that question.

Speaker 131 What do you do for work?

Speaker 34 I was a banker, and now I'm in sales.

Speaker 49 Okay, what are you selling?

Speaker 34 Reputation management.

Speaker 147 What does that mean exactly?

Speaker 34 We protect people's reputation online.

Speaker 130 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Okay, that sounds interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 91 I think I got a lot of phone calls from you guys a couple months ago.

Speaker 79 Amazing.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 40 So what do you do for fun?

Speaker 34 Play tennis, do comedy, hiking.

Speaker 46 Yeah, what else?

Speaker 69 There's no other dream you have.

Speaker 100 An instrument, something.

Speaker 34 Are you killing my dreams right now?

Speaker 104 No, I'm asking.

Speaker 89 No, he wants to know.

Speaker 34 No, because I'm 44. I finally figured out this is what I like doing, and I'm finally fucking.

Speaker 156 What do you think made it take 44 years? 43 years?

Speaker 63 I didn't grow the balls.

Speaker 34 So with steam retention, like I actually finally grew the balls.

Speaker 19 Wouldn't you agree that your balls are the same size that they've been for over 20 years?

Speaker 18 Maybe. Did your Sri Lankan parents have anything to do with you not wanting to chase your dreams?

Speaker 141 Possibly.

Speaker 34 I don't know. No, they were pretty supportive.
They're supportive of me being here right now, so they're fucking awesome.

Speaker 46 Okay.

Speaker 71 All right.

Speaker 137 This is all good.

Speaker 69 Impersonations?

Speaker 18 Great question.

Speaker 18 Wait, you're still going with this Kobe thing.

Speaker 102 It's almost like he didn't hear he had an accident.

Speaker 62 You look more like the guy from Indiana Jones that like, hummina, humana, that guy.

Speaker 129 Super topical reference from Brian Redband.

Speaker 3 1988 classic.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Kobe and Indiana Jones are just as old as one another.

Speaker 93 Amazing.

Speaker 45 Do your shot one more time.

Speaker 153 Let's see what a basketball shot from you looks like because it was unbelievable what I think I saw a moment ago.

Speaker 49 I tried to pretend like I didn't see it, but I want to see it again.

Speaker 34 I technically don't play. I play tennis.
It's okay.

Speaker 140 Just put the microphone down for a second.

Speaker 19 Let's see what it would look like you shooting a basketball into a hoop.

Speaker 66 No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 69 Step back a little. Step back.
Yeah, all right.

Speaker 68 All right, no, go.

Speaker 8 No, that's.

Speaker 69 That's not how he did it. He had that foot in front.
It's a right foot.

Speaker 102 I want to see Kobe Bryan, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 41 Here he is.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 23 There's a certain smell that just went over the entire room from that.

Speaker 138 That is a Sri Lankan

Speaker 23 salsa, if I've ever smelled one.

Speaker 43 That is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 14 Drink less water.

Speaker 93 You're sweating too much.

Speaker 129 No. Okay, TJ, but this was fun.

Speaker 15 Here's a, I like your style.

Speaker 21 And since, even though I would normally give you a small joke book, it looks good with your jersey.

Speaker 18 Here's a medium KT joke book.

Speaker 129 TJ.

Speaker 105 So bass, so Kobe.

Speaker 88 What? Go, Kobe. Yeah.

Speaker 127 Kobe would have caught it.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Music for what?

Speaker 140 You're going to dance out?

Speaker 13 Give him some music to dance out of.

Speaker 69 You know what?

Speaker 80 I've never had anybody ask for that before, and I'm just in the giving mood.

Speaker 138 Give him some...

Speaker 18 Can we get some Sri Lankan

Speaker 43 Can we get some Sri Lankan dance music?

Speaker 25 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 54 There he goes, everyone. TJ.

Speaker 147 Dancing his way back to obscurity.

Speaker 105 He didn't even dance.

Speaker 62 He forgot the buck. He He didn't take the water.

Speaker 8 He forgot his joke book, too.

Speaker 21 There actually is.

Speaker 8 And I mean this in the most non-racist way humanly possible.

Speaker 15 But there really is a scent.

Speaker 91 up here on stage right now.

Speaker 19 It is quite incredible.

Speaker 76 You smell that?

Speaker 69 You know what?

Speaker 49 Hold on a second, guys. Hold on.

Speaker 69 I saw, like, if he had like a little wig on, like, he could... Remember when I said the part about doing impersonations? Yeah.
Like, picture this. I'm just going to, you tell me what it's from.

Speaker 69 Red Band will know. Yeah.
Just listen. I am Kane.

Speaker 69 What show?

Speaker 54 All right, you're right. Red Band will know that.

Speaker 90 This is from the 70s or 80s.

Speaker 2 Kung Fu, right?

Speaker 46 Yeah, David Carradine.

Speaker 71 I am Kane.

Speaker 124 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 141 I should have known that.

Speaker 48 That line does even reference

Speaker 75 those two together.

Speaker 69 He's got an act.

Speaker 4 I don't know. I mean,

Speaker 25 I mean, I thought he's stunk. I just gotta be honest.

Speaker 69 You told me, like, be nice. I don't know.
Yeah. Todd.

Speaker 69 I'm trying.

Speaker 132 Man. Yeah.

Speaker 56 It's really something.

Speaker 140 All right. You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 23 Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 91 This is JP Lambiase.

Speaker 91 JP Lambias.

Speaker 106 JP, everyone.

Speaker 70 I wanted to learn more about my ancestry, so I did that 23 and me.

Speaker 70 Turns out that's just the number of Asians in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 70 23 and me.

Speaker 61 They're all at UT.

Speaker 162 I'm not really into politics.

Speaker 70 My friend asked me what my political views are.

Speaker 70 And I'm just, I don't know.

Speaker 89 He goes, well, it's simple. Do you like Trump or do you like Obama?

Speaker 163 And I'm like, I don't think it's that black and white.

Speaker 70 I went to Mexico City. I learned about Mole.

Speaker 70 This lady was teaching it. She goes, there's green mole, there's red mole there's brown mole I'm like I got a question she's like yeah

Speaker 159 is guac a mole

Speaker 35 thank you

Speaker 152 JP Lambiase am I saying that correctly lambies lambiace okay hell yeah now what is lambiace what kind of last name is that for an asian boy it's a little interesting it's uh actually french but my dad's Italian.

Speaker 52 Amazing.

Speaker 70 I was bought by

Speaker 127 Italians.

Speaker 25 You were bought by a what?

Speaker 70 Italians. I was like adopted, yeah.

Speaker 44 Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 18 Italians are good people. Yep.

Speaker 114 Out there saving Asian babies.

Speaker 40 You were bought from

Speaker 150 France?

Speaker 70 South Korea.

Speaker 61 South Korea.

Speaker 70 Just wanted to make...

Speaker 18 I still don't understand. Oh, I see.

Speaker 21 Do they, does your Italian family pronounce it Lambiase

Speaker 124 I think originally it was Lambiasi so ironically you were correct no yeah no I know yeah that makes sense I read names every week on this show

Speaker 114 um I just found it interesting I've never seen an Asian with an Italian name

Speaker 39 yeah that's that's fun what's JP short for Jap

Speaker 116 is that a slur

Speaker 11 Did I just accidentally slur again?

Speaker 132 Oops.

Speaker 28 Oops, I slurred again.

Speaker 99 It's a JP. You can't only do it if it's an Asian guy and it's JP.

Speaker 49 You're having fun, right?

Speaker 70 No, I mean, that wasn't right. That wasn't.

Speaker 142 Oh, okay. Perfect.

Speaker 105 Perfect.

Speaker 101 Perfect.

Speaker 26 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 54 Hell yeah.

Speaker 93 Asians love playing the victim for some reason.

Speaker 49 Little fun fact.

Speaker 54 It's very weird.

Speaker 134 They don't have to do that, but they do.

Speaker 96 That one.

Speaker 18 Good question.

Speaker 77 John Dees wants to know.

Speaker 18 He doesn't ask many questions, but I did just hear him ask, were you on Switch?

Speaker 74 I got out.

Speaker 61 I did.

Speaker 100 I did it.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 40 All right. So welcome, welcome.

Speaker 18 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 35 It was a train wreck.

Speaker 143 What happened then?

Speaker 70 I

Speaker 70 was going through a lawsuit, so I couldn't really have the interview proper. And I didn't even get to say hi to Brian, but

Speaker 62 he used to be a famous YouTuber, him and his girl.

Speaker 63 And then she fucked him and took everything.

Speaker 39 Well, no, she didn't fuck me, she fucked other people.

Speaker 8 But she screwed you over business-wise?

Speaker 70 Yeah, so she kind of locked me out of my YouTube channel, and now she's just slandering me online. And there's a lot of drama.

Speaker 35 Oh, boy.

Speaker 70 But it's like, you know, I think it's like a cautionary tale.

Speaker 75 Don't do business with your fiancé.

Speaker 141 How long were you with this girl?

Speaker 35 10 years. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 46 Wow.

Speaker 141 Good lord.

Speaker 46 What type of slandering is she doing?

Speaker 114 What is she saying bad about you?

Speaker 70 She said that I'm verbally abusive, which could be true.

Speaker 25 But she also said...

Speaker 18 Rare for an Asian, but for someone raised by Italians, makes perfect sense.

Speaker 15 Do you get mad like an Italian?

Speaker 18 Did your parents teach you that?

Speaker 17 When you get mad, are you Asian or are you Italian?

Speaker 69 Actually, pretty Italian.

Speaker 70 Mosby's very Italian.

Speaker 162 My dad's like a capiche, manga.

Speaker 25 But that's all he knows.

Speaker 70 So it's just like, all right, dad, you know, like, mozzarelle. I'm like, I'm not going to say mozzarelle sticks at an Applebee's.

Speaker 127 You know what I mean?

Speaker 19 Good. Now I got you being racist back to me.

Speaker 127 So we're good about the jab thing earlier, just to let you know.

Speaker 19 You know, Italians, we're just all mozzarelle to one another.

Speaker 47 God, so racist.

Speaker 2 I feel like a real victim right now.

Speaker 59 Well, thank you, Red Bam.

Speaker 31 Okay, so, uh, all right, well, then maybe we shouldn't talk about your slandering, suing ex-girlfriend then, huh?

Speaker 70 I like to. It's fine, but well, what do you want to say?

Speaker 18 I mean, what's interesting about all that?

Speaker 70 Well, I mean, I guess she outed me as like a homosexual, so that's been kind of cool. I can relate to you on that, you know?

Speaker 81 Right, sure.

Speaker 91 But does she have any actual, have you ever done anything homosexual-like?

Speaker 139 Yeah, I texted her.

Speaker 150 I'm gay.

Speaker 74 Oh, that'll do it.

Speaker 54 That's gayer than anything I've ever done.

Speaker 113 So it looks like we can't really relate to each other at all yeah well did you text her that because you're gay

Speaker 70 uh no she wouldn't give me my apple my phone back and i said well if i keep asking that that's not working so why don't i try a new a different approach oh that's actually kind of smart yeah and she so you're just like you're just you're at that point you're just like please you know i don't have anybody else to go to like i'm gay i'm gay

Speaker 70 and then she sent me what i needed i was just like dude it worked holy and then

Speaker 162 she said it makes so much sense now.

Speaker 43 See what I'm saying?

Speaker 21 That's actually a smart approach.

Speaker 19 If all else fails with a crazy chick, just go gay.

Speaker 25 That's amazing. It doesn't hurt.

Speaker 136 That is some fucking Jedi level.

Speaker 43 It took an Asian raised by Italians to figure that out.

Speaker 127 Just to crack the code.

Speaker 43 And of course, in their own inner anger and rationalization with themselves, they're like, oh, that makes sense.

Speaker 114 Of course you're gay, you f ⁇ .

Speaker 35 Right.

Speaker 81 Did you have to prove anything?

Speaker 30 you photoshop any dicks in your mouth or anything like that

Speaker 30 no i didn't have to prove anything she bought it she bought it amazing and so did the internet they're like we knew she's just a what she's just a white girl just a white girl isn't that amazing a white girl giving an asian an apple phone for a change isn't that amazing just absolutely incredible little role reversal there amazing so uh 10 years with her though did you have fun in bed no okay

Speaker 67 how about now?

Speaker 49 Have you been, have you been, now that you're finally, how long have you been single for?

Speaker 70 Like two years now.

Speaker 152 How about two years?

Speaker 19 Have you gotten some

Speaker 71 action?

Speaker 70 Yeah, that's what caused all the problems.

Speaker 69 I got, like, she broke up with me.

Speaker 113 I'm like, she's like, move on already.

Speaker 70 So I went on the dating app and I ended up meeting someone and she ended up tracking it and then like caused...

Speaker 84 all this chaos.

Speaker 139 Oh, boy. And like, I didn't think she was a jealous person.
We were together 10 years, but she had me in a tight leash for 10 years. Like, we were to work together, live together.

Speaker 70 Right. Kind of slept together sometimes.

Speaker 150 Right.

Speaker 162 But when I finally moved on, she went like literally ape shit.

Speaker 139 She literally stormed, like, like I cheated on her.

Speaker 162 She stormed into my apartment, ransacked all the camera gear. I was in my underwear.

Speaker 162 And I'm just like, you wouldn't walk, when you walk into someone in the bathroom, you're like, oh, sorry, you're in the bathroom.

Speaker 70 You don't just walk in and be like, oh, I just need to grab some stuff. You know what I mean? So I just.

Speaker 69 He's trying he's got the dice starter kit on yeah he does he's got the gloves

Speaker 90 Andrew Rice Clay over here

Speaker 69 but you like girls do you watch the godfather Christmas time uh yeah well I mean like you remember

Speaker 69 he brings the chick upstairs during the wedding you like that scene yeah absolutely it's one of the best scenes I mean does it excite you when he's got that chick with her big pig tits nailed against the wall?

Speaker 104 Take that.

Speaker 84 Absolutely. Do you like that?

Speaker 69 I like that. I like that.

Speaker 69 I like that, all right?

Speaker 86 What are you, my father? What do you do?

Speaker 69 I fucking like that.

Speaker 75 What do I gotta prove to you?

Speaker 150 Brando.

Speaker 113 Let me see you do Marlon Brando, like the Asian.

Speaker 102 No, that's not it. That stinks.

Speaker 13 That's terrible. That's just me.
Like,

Speaker 101 No, that's you.

Speaker 55 Jesus.

Speaker 69 You didn't even do this part.

Speaker 150 I don't do impersonations.

Speaker 69 See, isn't that a little better when you do that?

Speaker 74 That's a little better.

Speaker 100 All right.

Speaker 59 He just looks like a homeless Asian woman to me.

Speaker 69 I don't understand the whole bundling.

Speaker 13 It is crazy.

Speaker 117 I'm cold.

Speaker 96 You are. How cold can you be?

Speaker 107 That's what the weatherman said.

Speaker 69 It's a little cold outside. He lives in a sun.

Speaker 6 It's not a blizzard.

Speaker 25 You look like an accountant for everyone that had a barrel fire.

Speaker 71 Oh, shit.

Speaker 10 Yep.

Speaker 124 Get it?

Speaker 35 Okay. Sorry, dad.

Speaker 3 All right. This is it.

Speaker 13 This is the...

Speaker 54 He is the Italian that adopted him.

Speaker 20 Wow. So, JP, I mean,

Speaker 16 she's no longer bothering you, right?

Speaker 163 Everything's moved on. No,

Speaker 150 constant right now.

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 70 Yep, as we speak.

Speaker 35 well

Speaker 81 don't fucking don't bring your fucking trouble to us dude

Speaker 107 we like you whoever you are

Speaker 25 best of luck with everything now you're good she wants to get on the show and tell her story oh boy she wants to get on this show yeah oh my goodness yikes she needs a minute first but you gotta move on my friend does she do stand-up sometimes I wrote her a minute.

Speaker 154 What?

Speaker 61 I wrote her a minute.

Speaker 79 When was that?

Speaker 70 When we were dating,

Speaker 70 we did a comedy class together, and she had to do the graduation night.

Speaker 102 And that's a minute?

Speaker 75 You guys had a job? I did five.

Speaker 35 Wow. They're pretty good jokes.

Speaker 18 How many of the minutes did you write?

Speaker 20 This is so Asian doing the homework for the white person.

Speaker 35 You wrote all five of the minutes?

Speaker 162 No, I've got to give her some credit.

Speaker 70 I think she might have got like a couple

Speaker 75 jokes in there. All right.

Speaker 162 All right, Jay Payman. She's pretty funny.

Speaker 111 So does she do stand-up comedy sometimes?

Speaker 39 No, not at all. She actually was terrified to do it.

Speaker 82 Did you guys start at the same time?

Speaker 35 You took that comedy class before or what?

Speaker 70 No, my friend Carmen Vallone does a comedy class in Orlando. You just dropped a name.

Speaker 78 Now I don't like him.

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 21 People giving shout-outs out here.

Speaker 70 I know.

Speaker 137 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 70 Anyway, but he has a comedy class, and we just took the class.

Speaker 46 Yeah, doesn't matter.

Speaker 130 The answer was...

Speaker 35 Oh, that, that, well, that's over now.

Speaker 2 It's okay.

Speaker 5 It seems like your whole identity is this girl, and it seems like her whole identity might be you.

Speaker 35 Do you

Speaker 89 like he agrees?

Speaker 91 I don't know. Red Band follows like YouTube chosen shit.

Speaker 23 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 134 Even me or your wife.

Speaker 102 I'm gonna stop both of you from talking for a second.

Speaker 44 Do you think there's a chance that you guys might still be deeply in love with one another?

Speaker 70 My ex?

Speaker 100 Yeah,

Speaker 18 the one that we've been talking about for 10 minutes straight?

Speaker 134 I didn't don't know what you're talking about um no i know you and red ban aren't deep i mean ten years together spent every day together

Speaker 83 looks strangely like his girlfriend though now that i think about it

Speaker 107 janice glasses janice is that you

Speaker 21 i know she's been getting migraines lately she might be a little swollen she might have an inflamed head wow that actually is a pretty good impression

Speaker 5 is janice here can we get janice can we do a side-by-side sorry you get excited too I'm not trying to rattle up dice here with my Asian accent.

Speaker 71 All right, well.

Speaker 69 It's not even that Asian.

Speaker 65 I don't even believe you.

Speaker 13 Here,

Speaker 124 say, hero.

Speaker 65 If you're going to do it, go all the way with this shit.

Speaker 124 Hello.

Speaker 69 No, see, that's not... You're never going nowhere with that.

Speaker 69 It's not what the people are looking for

Speaker 153 If you're gonna go Asian you gotta go Asian you could do a more Asian accent than that.

Speaker 79 Let's hear it.

Speaker 69 They can't say the letter L

Speaker 26 Yeah, that's a good way to know.

Speaker 21 He's trying to help you remember you've taken a comedy class before. This is like a comedy class.

Speaker 69 This is exactly what I'm teaching him here.

Speaker 147 He's teaching you how to do an Asian accent.

Speaker 49 So come on, fucking give it to us.

Speaker 43 Summon the people.

Speaker 69 How you doing, everybody? My name, what's your name again?

Speaker 89 JP.

Speaker 117 Shit name.

Speaker 69 That's not an Asian name.

Speaker 39 Okay, tight, like tiger.

Speaker 69 I know a JP. He's doing 20 to life.

Speaker 69 You understand?

Speaker 100 Ying.

Speaker 66 Ying, all right.

Speaker 65 All right. Hey, what?

Speaker 73 Hello.

Speaker 73 Hello.

Speaker 66 I'm Ying. Haro, I'm Ying.

Speaker 100 And then.

Speaker 163 Haro, I'm Ying.

Speaker 84 And you're a fuckface.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 69 Hey, look. If I dish it, I could take it.
Okay, good.

Speaker 70 Good job, smart man.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 69 That's right. No, you got the wrong.
I like the glasses. Not fart, man.

Speaker 70 I said, smart man.

Speaker 75 All right.

Speaker 50 Shapes, shout out to you.

Speaker 92 You're making it very weird.

Speaker 129 I could see why your ex fucking sued you and took your shit.

Speaker 25 I don't do it.

Speaker 54 It gets creepy after a while.

Speaker 69 I don't even do those kind of jokes. I know.
I'm sorry I even.

Speaker 43 No, it's great. No, that was fantastic.

Speaker 101 I don't know when I would have loved.

Speaker 48 Well, yeah, I still do it.

Speaker 18 I'm very immature.

Speaker 69 I would never.

Speaker 20 JP, how did it feel doing an Asian accent?

Speaker 18 Do you feel like your ancestors that gave you away?

Speaker 50 All right.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 28 JP, you already have a joke book?

Speaker 70 No.

Speaker 150 You don't? No.

Speaker 140 You didn't get one last time?

Speaker 58 I got like the little one.

Speaker 62 JP, I I would love to have you on the secret show.

Speaker 132 Whoa,

Speaker 103 look at this.

Speaker 88 What an amazing twist.

Speaker 109 Here you go, JP.

Speaker 8 There's a big one. Congratulations.
There he goes, JP Lambiase.

Speaker 11 All right, your final comedian of the night out of the bucket goes by the name.

Speaker 43 She's been on the show numerous times, especially back in the day when we first got to Austin.

Speaker 56 Since then, she worked her way up as a door person here at the mothership and gets regularly booked on shows all the time.

Speaker 15 One of Adam, the talent coordinator's favorite top young rising comedians, one of our favorite top young rising comedians, make some noise for it.

Speaker 57 This is a brand new minute from Christina Mariani, everybody.

Speaker 164 I love Asian men.

Speaker 164 I do. All my ex-boyfriends have been Asian, so technically I'm still a virgin.

Speaker 164 I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me.

Speaker 164 And instinctively, I grab my purse,

Speaker 42 even though logically

Speaker 164 I know he's not for sale.

Speaker 164 He did steal my wallet, though.

Speaker 88 Thank you, guys. I understand

Speaker 8 exactly a minute.

Speaker 14 Unbelievable material from Christina Mariani.

Speaker 19 That is fantastic.

Speaker 91 That is an unbelievably great joke.

Speaker 75 How you doing?

Speaker 56 Still as awkward as ever.

Speaker 54 Still just like the day you started over there.

Speaker 25 Never ends.

Speaker 18 How's it going, Christina?

Speaker 106 How are you?

Speaker 165 Good. I'm great.
Thank you. Fantastic.

Speaker 43 Remind everybody, it's been a while since you've been on the show, right?

Speaker 141 Yeah.

Speaker 29 But you used to be on when we were at Vulcan.

Speaker 164 Yeah, when I was at Vulcan, they got on a few times.

Speaker 35 Uh-huh.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 35 And things have been going good.

Speaker 43 How long have you been doing stand-up overall?

Speaker 52 Three years. Three years? Yeah.

Speaker 18 Okay, so you started back then.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 23 You still don't know how a mic stand works.

Speaker 105 I like that.

Speaker 25 That's fantastic.

Speaker 47 No, you're doing great.

Speaker 16 The cords wrapped around there.

Speaker 45 You're stuck there.

Speaker 25 You got it. You got it.

Speaker 75 Got it.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 46 How do you feel right now?

Speaker 92 You just performed.

Speaker 114 You just crushed in front of the great Andrew Dice Clay.

Speaker 69 Feel great. It really was, amazing.

Speaker 65 Yeah, thank you. Thanks.

Speaker 69 Not everybody was like that tonight.

Speaker 75 Yeah,

Speaker 75 that was great.

Speaker 69 That was great.

Speaker 35 Thank you so much.

Speaker 137 Let the record show tonight's episode, three out of the top four performers were women.

Speaker 102 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 8 Christina Mariani,

Speaker 27 Candace August, Whitney Cummings, and Cam Patterson representing...

Speaker 15 Representing the men.

Speaker 54 No, I'm saying that's the one out of the four that was.

Speaker 91 That would be a weird joke for me to make.

Speaker 16 Cam's a woman, everybody.

Speaker 18 No, I'm saying out of my, what I have ranked, the top four sets, three of them were women, which is a mathematical anomaly.

Speaker 35 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 43 But you, Whitney, Candace, very, very funny.

Speaker 46 How's life been going?

Speaker 18 What's it like out there for Christina Mariani?

Speaker 79 You're in Austin. You've been here for years.
You're having great sets.

Speaker 153 You're on a lot of big shows.

Speaker 49 You're a shy, nervous.

Speaker 165 I'm not that nervous.

Speaker 164 I mean, right now I am, but I feel like I've gotten cooler.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 23 Can you tell us about some of that?

Speaker 48 What are some of the things that you used to do that were uncool and now you have control over them?

Speaker 164 Well, I don't.

Speaker 165 I mean, you tell me, right?

Speaker 65 I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 164 Yeah, you seem like you're blending in well.

Speaker 49 You're not sweating like a Sri Lankan right now.

Speaker 102 I can tell you that.

Speaker 75 We had that happen. Yeah, I am.

Speaker 102 Something else.

Speaker 164 No,

Speaker 164 I'm starting to headline. So I'm working on my headlining sets.
I had had a New Year's show. I'm headlining Black Rabbit on the 19th.

Speaker 41 Nice.

Speaker 41 So,

Speaker 68 yeah.

Speaker 164 And then Vegas on the 21st.

Speaker 88 So I'm excited.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 151 I love it.

Speaker 128 Where can people get tickets for your shows?

Speaker 164 Just on my Instagram.

Speaker 35 Can I? Yes.

Speaker 164 Okay. C-R-I-I-M-A-R-I-I.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 75 Is that your password or your screen name?

Speaker 55 That's incredible.

Speaker 164 It's creamery, but it sounds weird when I say it. I didn't mean to

Speaker 46 try it to sound like that, but

Speaker 65 all right.

Speaker 152 I see you kind of combined your first name and your last name.

Speaker 164 Yeah, and I didn't realize it sounded so gross.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is wild.

Speaker 56 What else do you do, Christina?

Speaker 95 What would be, we'd be surprised to know about you, about your life here in this interview portion of Kill Tony?

Speaker 164 I signed up for the half marathon in January, so I'm going to...

Speaker 165 You too.

Speaker 122 Cool.

Speaker 75 Wow,

Speaker 49 you signed up for a half marathon as well?

Speaker 71 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 20 Why just a half?

Speaker 49 Like her, I understand, but you're a, you're a black man.

Speaker 59 You should be running the double marathon or something like that.

Speaker 138 You're just gonna go beat everybody's ass in a half marathon real quick.

Speaker 110 He runs ultra marathons.

Speaker 15 Wait, he runs ultra marathons?

Speaker 20 Michael Gonzalez is outing you.

Speaker 153 Big Mike, as we call him, fitness junkie.

Speaker 140 So you run ultra marathon sometimes? Sorry, Christina.

Speaker 19 He's a more interesting interview.

Speaker 13 No. So have you ever run a marathon before?

Speaker 123 No.

Speaker 78 What made you sign up for a half a marathon to start?

Speaker 164 I've been running for my anxiety, and it's been helping. And so I just, you know,

Speaker 164 I want to get to a marathon eventually, but I'm going to start with half.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 8 How long do you run during the day?

Speaker 164 Like three to six miles every day.

Speaker 34 Wow.

Speaker 30 That's more than Red Band has ever walked in his life.

Speaker 112 It's grand total.

Speaker 56 Amazing. What else do you do to help your

Speaker 2 obvious anxiety?

Speaker 164 I mean, running helps a lot, and doing like stand-up helps too, because I'm doing something scary.

Speaker 110 But,

Speaker 164 you know, and

Speaker 164 I'm in therapy too.

Speaker 13 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 This is great.

Speaker 44 Are you the Asian guy's ex-girlfriend?

Speaker 55 This is incredible.

Speaker 106 Okay. How long have you been in therapy for?

Speaker 164 Just a few months.

Speaker 46 How's that going?

Speaker 18 Did they already get you on a bunch of pills?

Speaker 114 No.

Speaker 123 No. No.

Speaker 25 Did they try a little bit?

Speaker 87 No. Not a little bit?

Speaker 123 No.

Speaker 114 They didn't go, you know, I'm not saying that you should, but what I would do if it was somebody that wanted pills is this.

Speaker 43 Because that's how they make vast sums of money.

Speaker 164 No, I have a different doctor for this.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 40 You're like a homeopathic type of.

Speaker 123 No,

Speaker 123 I was kidding. I don't know.

Speaker 25 What?

Speaker 17 You're just kidding about seeing a therapist?

Speaker 164 No, no, I am seeing a therapist and kidding about getting drugs from a different doctor.

Speaker 25 Right. Okay.

Speaker 18 But did your therapist suggest drugs at any point?

Speaker 114 No.

Speaker 123 No, nothing at all.

Speaker 165 No, it's just talk therapy.

Speaker 89 Yeah. Therapists don't do that.

Speaker 23 Oh, the guy that lives with nine women also knows a lot about therapists.

Speaker 127 Who would have guessed this, everybody?

Speaker 79 Well, yeah, but usually a fucking therapist will see a nervous bundle like this and send them straight to the psychiatrist who writes.

Speaker 164 I'm not always like this.

Speaker 78 What do you normally like?

Speaker 164 No, I mean, like, it just depends on the situation when you do something like more nerve-wracking.

Speaker 123 Do you, are you the same all the time?

Speaker 71 No. Yeah.

Speaker 134 Yeah, no. What would make you more nervous?

Speaker 93 I want to make you more nervous.

Speaker 43 Who wants to hear her sing a song, everybody?

Speaker 26 I'm kidding. I'm joking, Christina.

Speaker 14 That was a fun set.

Speaker 15 You're famously nervous and shut red band.

Speaker 83 I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Speaker 88 All right, I'll see you.

Speaker 8 Fantastic. Do you ever get one of these before? You want one?

Speaker 115 There you go.

Speaker 8 Cassina Mariani, everybody. And that was tonight's episode.
How loud can this place get for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay?

Speaker 8 A historical episode for us to have the presence of the Dice Man.

Speaker 8 The art is in for Brian J.

Speaker 57 Ebelt, and it is unbelievable. He drew that during the episode.

Speaker 116 Our artist that draws every episode of the Dice Man.

Speaker 91 That is incredible.

Speaker 69 Very powerful.

Speaker 12 Brianjebel.com to check that out.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 61 I don't know if they can.

Speaker 5 Dice.

Speaker 75 That's great.

Speaker 63 Is there anything you want to plug or promote?

Speaker 115 Is one of the funniest men on Instagram.

Speaker 25 I can tell you that.

Speaker 15 You may have seen his man on the street.

Speaker 69 I'm not here to plug.

Speaker 75 Right.

Speaker 101 I love it.

Speaker 54 I love that.

Speaker 69 I don't need to plug.

Speaker 61 God, I love you.

Speaker 54 You are just the coolest man.

Speaker 69 AndrewDiceClay.com.

Speaker 69 Instagram, AndrewDiceClay.com.

Speaker 63 TikTok.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 114 Yeah. Andrew Dice Clay.

Speaker 69 And maybe they'll get a picture one day.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 25 Maybe you could get a picture. It's been an incredible experience for me.

Speaker 23 Dice is great star stage.

Speaker 8 Twice at Madison Red Square.

Speaker 124 It's been incredible for real.

Speaker 8 Twice at the HEV Center.

Speaker 57 But to get to have you here at the table, I always knew it would be amazing. And

Speaker 13 there's

Speaker 95 it was unbelievable.

Speaker 9 Did you guys have fucking fun tonight?

Speaker 8 One more time for Andrew Dice Clay, the best damn band in the land.

Speaker 5 Thank you,

Speaker 8 thank you to our sponsors, Red Band.

Speaker 62 Check out the movie Ford Fairlane, one of my favorite movies growing up. It used to be on my answering machine, My Hair, My Hair.

Speaker 63 I love you, Dice,

Speaker 69 thank you.

Speaker 8 We love you guys, thank you so much.

Speaker 8 God bless you. Have a great night, everybody.