#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony.

It's great.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yeah!

Make some ready for red band, ladies and gentlemen.

It's the real red band.

How about one more time for the best stamban in the land?

That's the real deal right there.

Grooveline horns.

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa.

That's Big Mike.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Bigger than ever.

92.5 pounds of pure muscle

Big Mike we call him nowadays

this is medium Matt Muelling over here on the electric guitar

we have sleepy John Dee's on the keys

sleepy John

and the great and powerful D-Madness on the bass guitar

oh yes

before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

Say hello to the next generation of Zendesk AI agents, built to deliver resolutions for everyone.

Loved by over 10,000 10,000 companies, Zendesk AI agents easily deploy in minutes to resolve 30% of interactions instantly.

That's the Zendesk AI effect.

Find out more at Zendesk.com.

I get so many headaches every month.

It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

Botox, autobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine.

It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month.

Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor.

Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk.

Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck, and injection side pain, fatigue, and headache.

Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness.

Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lugerick's disease, myasthenia gravis, or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Why wait?

Ask your doctor.

Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-Botox to learn more.

Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything, from the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys.

Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Make your next cocktail with Tito's.

Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas.

40% alcohol by volume.

Savor responsibly.

You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh?

You guys got to do better than that.

Are you ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Every single week, I booked two of the funniest comedians on this show this week absolutely no different

ladies and gentlemen two of the best guests in the history of the show

the

young man is a superstar from this episode it's a from this show it's a juggernaut in real time you got to watch him go from barely anybody knowing him to him being a global star.

The woman on panel tonight just fucking, well on top of being one of the best comedians in the world

uh also just fucking lit new year's eve on fire this year i present to you a perfect panel this is whitney cummings and cam patterson

oh shit

oh yeah

Whitney Cummings, Cam Patterson, in the flesh,

the great Whitney.

We're back.

Let's have some fucking fun.

It is a beautiful 69.1 degrees Fahrenheit, 35%

precipitation in the room.

Cam Patterson, welcome back to the table.

What's up?

You got a gold grill.

Look at this.

Back in my final form.

I'm going to go sell some crack.

Oh, my goodness.

I remember when you were first on the show, he was wearing sweatpants and flip-flops and he said, I'm never going to change.

I'm always going to stay this way.

Still wearing the same thing.

How much did that girl cost on Timu?

That hurt my feelings.

That hurt my feelings.

I'm very sad right now.

It was not that expensive.

It was free, actually.

It's one piece.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

It's my real teeth.

I got permanent now.

It's permanent.

How is it that you speak better with them?

It's my my final form.

Whitney Cummings, fresh off of lighting CNN on fire.

She pulled a Tony Henchcliffe and got a little fucking little smoke, a little heat off a little something.

Oops.

I knew.

I came off at CNN Live and the live CNN bro said I came off.

I got three text messages from people telling me it was great.

And that's when I knew I was in trouble.

It was Mark Norman, Shane Gillis,

and Tony Hinchcliffe.

Yeah, that's how you know.

Mama.

You think it's funny I'm fucked.

Yeah.

Mama, we made it.

That's what you gotta do.

You gotta put yourself in position to do

comedy where it doesn't really belong.

And CNN is perfect for that.

So is political rallies as well.

I was gonna do a joke about you, but I didn't wanna like reignite it at all.

Your jokes about me are the best jokes about me.

I heard some of them at the Jelly Roll Roast, and they are absolutely ruthless.

Yeah.

Jelly Roll, or as we call him, Gross Malone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's the man.

We got to figure out what's going to happen with that roast.

In the meanwhile, we're on Kill Tony.

You guys know how this works.

I pull a name out of the bucket.

They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and cuts them off.

And then I interview them and we all find out more about them.

Maybe we help them.

Maybe we hurt them.

Anything can happen.

It's a real improvised live show.

And we're going to start it with a bucket pool here tonight.

Normally we start with a regular or a golden ticket winner.

I think tonight should be one of those big bucket bonanza nights.

We have a lot of our regulars

out on the road around or on panel.

Cam gets to save a minute tonight.

That's exciting.

Also, may I please just say, last time I was on, I asked if Cam would feature for me, and then I reached out, and he was booked to headline.

You said no.

Yeah, thanks to the show.

The show saved my life.

Yeah.

So I'll try again, but...

I would love to do it.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

I need a diversity hire.

I'm here.

That's my job.

Shit.

We all need a good one.

Your first bucket pull is from the inside, everybody, representing you, the the audience it could be you if you signed up ladies and gentlemen your first comedian tonight getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Macy yo

Macy yo

oh the furthest possible walk

how exciting

I'm gonna pre-pull a name for your next bucket pull

that looks fun

now's a good time for me to tell you to use Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

You could use them on airplanes and stuff.

Zip more, smoke less.

Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

There goes the Puerto Rican guy.

He just realized where he was.

Here we go.

Zip energy as well.

Beam 12 and caffeine toothpicks.

Nice catch.

How we feeling?

We ready to start the show?

Make some noise for one of your own.

this is me see you

what's up

i grew up in alaska back in the 80s

yeah they they used to tell us all the time that we were gonna get nuked

all the time they would be like hey if the russians drop a nuke on us jump under your desk

even as like a first grader i was like that's fucking dumb.

And then I was smoking weed and I found out why they tell you that.

There's this Japanese dude

and he had to go to work out of town and he had to go to Hiroshima.

And he saw a big flash and he was like, oh shit.

And he jumped under his desk and he survived.

And then like a couple days later, he had to go back home to his hometown in Nagasaki.

Yeah, he saw it again.

He was like, oh fuck, and jumped under his desk again.

Size all high.

And I was like, how come we don't just build big desks over our houses?

All right.

Macy, yo.

Macy, Macy, Macy.

Size a little wind that I had to come from the

that's what you you think the problem was?

You think it was your cardio?

How about the writing, the performing, the overall ideology of a joke having its punchline stacked 66 seconds in to the set?

I get it, though.

I get it.

There was a lot of that.

Macy, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for?

About three years?

Three years?

Yeah.

And that's the minute you did on the biggest comedy show in the fucking world?

That was, yeah.

Okay, what made you pick that minute?

How bad is everything else?

Most of my jokes are kind of longer.

Oh, sounds amazing.

Where can we see these amazing, long-ass, punchlineless jokes?

Tacoma?

Okay.

Okay.

Like, why would that be the noise there?

Just because you think any noise is good?

Okay, Red Band.

Red Band pulling a reel.

Macy Yeo to start the show.

Just amazing.

Let's just all bomb together, I guess.

Whitney coming.

His jokes are so long, we should call him open Mike Berbiglia.

Okay, that's just for you, John.

I think, yeah.

Well, I prefer it being.

Semi-roasted by Whitney.

Okay.

For those of you that don't know who Mike Berbiglia is,

Google him.

Okay, let's get back to Macy here.

Is that your real name?

Yeah, Macy.

Okay.

My mom named me after the parade.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

Is that true?

Yeah.

She swears she doesn't smoke weed, but I remember her growing it as a kid.

Or maybe she just wanted to see you only once a year.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Boom.

There it is.

Whitney comes.

Whitney, one for one on non-Berbiglia jokes here tonight.

Jesus Christ.

I'm in the mood to start wars.

I'm just in the mood to start fighting.

Let's go.

So, Macy, let's talk about it it because it was horrendous.

It's unbelievable.

You live in Tacoma full-time?

Yeah.

And you're visiting Austin right now.

Yep.

And was this trip planned around you coming to this show?

Me and my friend Mason, he got tickets, and so he said we should come down and try to get on.

And did Mason sign up as well?

Yes, he is.

Is Mason like the better comedian out of the two of you?

I hope he does better than me.

Well, we don't know.

I mean, even if to get pulled out of the bucket, I'm not just going to have a fucking

double bomb fucking road trip up here.

What are you guys?

Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

Yeah.

Yes.

Mason and Macy over here.

Oh, my God.

What do you do for work, Macy?

Yo.

I don't work.

I love that you think that we're surprised.

Some shocking reveal.

I'm a stay-at-home dad, and then I started doing comedy when my daughter got older.

Okay, how old's your daughter?

She's 13.

Okay, so you waited till she was 10.

Yeah.

Before you started comedy.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Are you a better dad than you are a comedian?

Yeah.

I was just sitting back there going, my daughter would love the band over here.

Yeah, she probably would.

That's true.

So

What did you used to do for work?

How do you contribute?

Does the baby mama work?

Yeah,

my girl, she got a really good job.

What's that job?

She sells cruises, like luxury cruises.

Okay, to people in Tacoma, Washington, she sells cruise.

To people all over.

She's like a

super agent for a cruise line.

Okay, absolutely.

And has she seen you do comedy before?

No, she usually stays at home with the kids.

Smart.

Smart.

You should keep it that way.

You should definitely keep it that way or else she might end up starting to fuck Mason over there.

So Macy,

how old are you?

46.

46.

And what made you want to start three years ago?

Why didn't you start when you were younger?

Drugs.

Okay, what kind of drugs?

I used to be on opioids a lot.

Okay, what kind of opioids specifically?

Give them some shout-outs.

I used to smoke opium blunts.

You used to smoke opium blunts?

Yeah.

Even John Dees is impressed.

Our senior opioid correspondent, John Dees, has awakened for a moment.

You've awakened, old sleepy John.

Yeah.

I had hurt myself and I was on Vicodin and then I just progressed to just smoking opium and blunts.

So you would take Vicodin, crush it up, and sprinkle it on blunts?

I started getting real opium from this Chinese dude and just breaking it up and putting it in the blunts.

My God.

Wow.

A real Chinese dude.

Where did you find this real Chinese dude at?

He was a cook.

At a Chinese restaurant?

At a sushi restaurant.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you found him.

You're just like, hey,

he told me he had opium and I was like...

But what would make him suggest that to you?

Like, if someone went in there, you know.

I think he could tell I was already popping lots of Viking in.

So he was like, this guy looks like he got it in his eyes.

So what are some of the crazy things you would do after smoking an opium blunt?

Like, what's the lowest you ever got?

I partied with a Seattle Mariner one night, and then he got kicked down the stairs the next day by his wife and couldn't play baseball.

I'd like to hear her side of the story.

So, okay, your lowest point was smoking opium with a Seattle Mariner.

That seems like it would be one of the highlights

In Tacoma, Washington.

That seems like it would be the most fun night of your life.

So, what was the most fun you've ever had on opium?

I don't really remember.

That's a good answer.

That checks out.

That was a trick question.

The correct answer was that it was impossible to remember how much fun happened.

So, were you still on opium when you knocked up your baby mama, the super agent?

No, I've been good for about five years at that point.

okay how did you get clean and sober or um sober

i just

you don't look very clean people in tacoma not known for that i got introduced to uh wax like the the weed wax right so i just started putting that in my blunt so do you do that all the time now yeah you smoke blunts all the time yeah and that's what brought us that amazing joke about getting nuked and hiding under desks yeah okay i got better jokes i promise why don't you do one why don't you do a better

Why don't we hear one?

Let's hear a better joke.

Mason is standing up, doing the let's fucking go.

He really thinks that this is a chance for his boy Macy.

It's going to be a long spirit flight back to Tacoma.

Oh, I can just feel it.

I can just feel it.

So here we go, doing one of his better jokes.

Three years of experience, barely a laugh on the 65-second long setup for punchline for put desks under the thing.

Here we go.

My guess is he's going to have I smoked weed in the joke.

That seems to be part of your vibe.

Here he is with his best joke.

This is Macy Yo.

So I'm from Tacoma, Washington, and they, yeah.

Yep.

Fuck yeah.

That's right.

Throw that shit up.

They steal weird shit out of your car there because I got in my car one day and I noticed somebody had rummaged through all my shit and I wasn't really that upset because, you know, I didn't really have anything in there.

And then I realized something else was missing.

Those motherfuckers stole my floor mats.

I was sitting there like, what kind of fucking maniac steals floor mats?

What a psychopath.

Then I went to the Subaru dealership to get some new floor mats for my Outback.

Fucking $80 to get new floor mats.

I was like, fuck this shit.

I just went outside and stole somebody else's floor mats.

That lesbian was probably like, what kind of maniac steals floor mats?

Got it.

Lesbians indeed liked Subarus.

My favorite part of this set was when you used the word rummelged.

You said he rummelged through your car.

Camp Patterson.

That's a real word.

That's a real word.

Rummelged is a real word.

I liked it.

Good job.

It's only a word for people that have grills in their mouth.

That's a real word, Tony.

Asha Real Word.

Asha.

Asha, real world.

Rumo.

It's very hard to talk what he's in, but I look cool as fuck, though, man.

I look so fucking cool, man.

I love it.

Indeed.

Indeed, indeed, indeed.

So, Maceo, congratulations.

We don't have any joke books here tonight, huh?

Where's Bones Eye at?

Any word from Bones Eye?

What the fuck?

Do you know?

Nothing?

Did we tell him?

Did we tell him there's two tapings?

No, he doesn't need a coaster.

He's leaving with some.

You could use these on that long flight home.

Some Zippix toothpicks.

Those are peppermint watermelon toothpicks, so you could share some with your boy Mason over there.

Oh, shit.

Mason's looking depressed, by the way.

He's looking like he really wanted you to do better.

We'll see.

Mason, you signed up.

I'll be feeling for you.

I'll be feeling for you.

We'll see what happens.

What ethnicity are you, by the way, Macy?

I'm super mixed.

I'm Japanese, white, native, Hawaiian, and black.

How black are you?

How black are you?

Have you gotten a 23 in me?

No.

What makes you say that you're black?

Who told you you're black?

It's the rumor in the family.

Oh.

My grandpa's name is Jerome.

Yeah, but what color is he?

Uh, very, very

white.

You'll see him.

Like, he's...

No, I won't see him.

I won't see him.

Cam Patterson.

Is Jerome named Jerome?

Jerome.

Jerome?

I'm about to say Jerome.

Well, never mind.

Continue.

I thought he said Jerome.

Oh, that's an Asian nigga, man.

That's not a real person, dog.

No way.

Hell, that's a real fucking person.

Hell yeah.

So you have a white grandpa named Jerome, so you tell people you're part black?

That's what I was told.

By who?

By my

cousin.

Who's your cousin?

What's his name?

It's my girl cousin.

Hold on.

Musicians, stop for just a second.

It's your what cousin?

My girl cousin.

Your girl cousin?

What does that mean?

You said it's a boy cousin.

I said, no, it's a girl.

So is it a first cousin?

Yeah.

You have have her number no not on me you don't have your first cousin's phone number no i'm shitty like that so you i don't even have my dad's phone number

you might be black after all

ladies and gentlemen there he goes macy yo to start the show

there he goes all right you don't need to give high fives to everybody

Macy yo has started the show.

Oh, shit.

The The lovely Heidi has arrived, everybody.

My goodness.

How lovely.

Back to the bucket we go.

This looks like a fun name.

Make some noise for Mr.

G, everybody.

Mr.

G is next on Kill Tony.

Hello, I feel like I am the crackhead version of Arya Matzi in this jacket.

I've been practicing my jokes in front of my cats.

They're tough critics.

If they don't like one, they'll cough up a hairball.

Hack!

Hack!

I'm ampidexurous.

I jerk off with my left hand and I write with my right hand.

Sometimes I jerk off with my right hand and it feels like somebody else is doing it.

Like my mom!

But

give my mom some credit.

She had schizophrenia.

She probably thought I was her pimp.

Speaking Speaking of pimps, my name is Mr.

G.

I'm a ladies man.

I'll prove it to you.

I can take any woman here home with me tonight.

I just need extra bus money.

Austin is my home, but I've been gone for 14 years.

No, I wasn't in prison.

I was in Hawaii feeding cats.

But I just bought my first house right down the street in East Austin.

It's really a shack in between a bunch of multi-million dollar mansions.

And my neighbors think I'm a squatter.

Me and my cats, we squat every time we see my neighbors.

Jesus Christ almighty, Mr.

G.

Mr.

G.

Oh my god, Cam Patterson.

This nigga still smoke opium.

He's still on it.

It's incredible.

Do real drugs.

You a crackhead, right?

You do crack, right?

No, no.

Okay.

It is incredible.

You do have a look, Mr.

G.

Has anyone told you that you don't have lips?

Yeah, I think Hans Baum mentioned that a few months weeks ago I saw his set and I did I saw Hans Baum

mention that

not me in particular, but he mentioned that white people have little lips and I'm not gonna lie.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the fact that you have fucking no lips.

I'm not saying you have little lips.

I'm not saying white people have little lips.

I'm saying you specifically, Mr.

G, if that really is your name,

have no lips whatsoever.

Why do you think that is?

What happened to your lips?

Let's just, let's just keep it.

I highly doubt that.

I highly doubt that.

I don't think Billy Bomb Thornton's eating all the pussy in the world over here.

That was absolutely wild, Mr.

G.

So let's talk about it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my first time.

Wow.

What made you pick here to do first time not terrible?

Well, maybe I'll...

No, it was terrible, Mr.

Chi.

You think it was...

It's not awful.

It was horrible.

It was really, really bad, but we're going to talk about it.

It's okay.

Just continue with confidence.

It's all right.

That's part of it.

So what have you been doing for work up until this point?

I am a writer.

What are you writing?

I write about cats.

What do you write about cats?

What do I write about cats?

Yes.

What do you write about cats?

What like would you

I've spent the last few years in Hawaii feeding hundreds of cats every morning on the most dangerous street in Honolulu biting Hawaii gangsters while I feed and dance with street cats on the internet guys I need a sack of my pussy so wet.

I think I need to take a break.

I think I might need the most dangerous street in Honolulu.

Yes, yes.

How dangerous is that street?

What's happening?

Are pineapples falling out of trees?

What exactly makes it the most dangerous street?

They're armed with coconuts, Tony.

And if you ever get a coconut hit in the back of your head you're never the same afterwards so mr g let's talk about it what made you get into this wide world of cats what is your thing with cats uh well i've always liked cats and uh there are

there are two million homeless cats in hawaii

okay so so you feed them and keep them alive so they could go on another day just being homeless do you know do you know cats can be homeless Yeah, you know there some of them are outdoor.

It's not like humans

Do you know

do you know that 99.9% of all animals are homeless

Are you aware of this?

You know monkeys are homeless orangutans

Well, I don't care about them.

I don't care about the cats.

Okay, so what is it about cats that you love so much

when I was a kid, I would talk like a robot, and all the other kids would call me Gregory2000.

And my only friend was an orange cat.

And me and this orange cat, we would sit on a lawn and I tell him my dreams and my hopes.

And now that orange cat is the president of the United States of America.

And here you are.

No.

Is this true?

Were you bullied for your love of cats?

Yes, Tony.

I moved from Hawaii.

I was basically banished from the island.

Why?

Why were you banished from the island?

This is a good part where if you tell the truth, it'll be really interesting.

I didn't realize they had Megan's Law in Hawaii, too.

Because I was attacked every morning while feeding cats.

You were attacked by who?

By local Hawaiians.

Why were they attacking you for feeding the cats?

What was their reasoning?

Let's hear their perspective.

Why would they say they attacked you or wanted to attack you?

Well, there are many people that feed cats in Hawaii.

Me in particular, they did not like

because of how I look.

There's a holiday in Hawaii.

What do you mean?

As far as I know, you're part black according to this show.

Not with those lips.

Give me that sound.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Well, you gotta find it.

Here it is.

Red man.

The wine.

Not with those lips.

Okay.

So in Hawaii, there's an unofficial state

holiday called Kill Howley Day.

And do you know what a howley is?

No.

A white person, me.

It was Kill Me Day.

It was like the purge, except all the victims were goofy-looking white guys trying to live in Hawaii.

Okey-doky.

Mr.

G, do you have any kids or anything?

Did you do anything?

Okay.

What have you done your whole life other than feeding cats?

You write about cats.

What types of things do you write?

You've written it, so you must know.

I wrote a book about the University of Texas and Austin, and that was one of my reasons for coming back here.

It's a special time.

It's a special place here in Austin right now.

The University of Texas are about to kill the Ohio State Buckeyes on Friday.

I'm going to remember your lipless fucking face when we win that game.

I'm just going to go, that fucking cat is crying right now.

I'm going to go,

Mr.

G2000 is out there thinking that the Longhorns were going to win this game.

Mr.

G.

So what's your living situation?

You seem like the kind of guy that really likes to connect with cats so much that you might live outdoors.

Am I correct?

No.

Oh, okay.

I don't blame you for you're an indoor man.

Yes, I just

bought my first house right down the street.

It's really a shack in between a bunch of multiple people.

Yeah, we heard that.

You own it?

Yes.

How expensive was the shack?

It was very inexpensive.

It's a fixer-upper.

Ah, okay.

Does it have a heater?

Just one that I got from Amazon.

Just my cats.

They keep me warm.

How many cats do you own?

I've brought six from Hawaii.

I plan to bring many more.

My goal is to rent a private jet and bring hundreds of them.

Like I said, there's 2 million in Hawaii.

They can afford to lose a few.

And Austin has a history of people coming here, escaping persecution.

And they aren't human, but they're escaping persecution, and I like them a lot.

I'm going to let Cam Patterson speak for a second.

This nigga crazy.

He's fucking insane.

What do we talk about right now, man?

My cats.

My cats.

Hey, oh my cats.

He's fucking crazy, man.

He's crazy, man.

I would just like to say it's been an honor to meet the rainy street killer.

There he goes, Mr.

G, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes.

You can put the mic in the mic.

Thank you, Mr.

G.

We love you, Mr.

G.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's the old, please don't kill me.

We love you.

100%.

Put him on the facial recognition list.

What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate?

One who comes when you call, one who doesn't forget to lock the doors, maybe one who doesn't steal your milk, just a little bit at a time, hoping that you won't notice.

At apartments.com, they understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet.

They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet.

And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

So if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place.

Thanks, Apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV Insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So, if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at Progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, pet injuries, and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket, well, I mean, this is what this show is all about.

It's about chaos out of this bucket.

Let's meet another one.

Could be the next superstar.

Could own millions of cats.

Make some noise for Bobby T.

Bobby T is the next.

I drove 18 straight hours to get here tonight.

I partied hard last night, went at it till wee hours of the morning.

I still got the taste of regret in my mouth.

That being said, do you know what an 80-year-old woman's pussy tastes like?

Depends.

Depends.

My brother and I, we both come from the same small town, so he doesn't understand why I got upset when he bought my 80-year-old son a shotgun for his birthday without my permission.

He explained the gift is from him, and my son can use the shotgun.

At my discretion.

So, two months later, it's my nephew's birthday, his 16th.

I bought him a present.

He opened it in front of the whole family.

It was a classic 1992 dirty magazine with three black guys fucking a white girl on the back of the El Camino, stuffed in every hole.

I looked at him and said, the gift is from me.

He can use it at your discretion.

Naming that magazine, Boys Under Her Hood.

Thank you, Austin.

This is what it's all about.

This rocks.

Thank you guys so much.

Bobby T.

There's a theme so far this episode.

Is there?

How you doing, Bobby T?

Doing great, thank you.

How long you been doing stand-up?

The first time was 14 years ago, and I've done it just a time or two.

That's it.

Okay, what made you want to come here and do it here?

I saw Ron White give a very motivational speech.

Said, if you think you're funny, if your friends think you're funny, then this is the opportunity that you guys have given.

You guys have given.

So I drove 18 hours from Indiana to be here tonight.

Okay, we have to go edit that Ron White part out of that episode.

We have to cut that out.

It's time.

We got dudes on jets with cats coming out here.

Like, thank you, Ron White.

Here we come.

I saw you a couple weeks ago with Ron White and friends, and it rocked.

Thank you.

My school.

Thank you, Bobby T.

Thank you.

Okay, so you started 14 years.

How did that set go 14 years ago?

It went pretty well, actually.

My wife surprised me with a birthday gift.

Had a lot of friends there.

Hold on.

How does your wife surprise you with you doing your first comedy set?

I was coming back from Indiana visiting my best friend.

He was sick at the time.

He's doing well now.

And my wife said,

Are you ready to take some things off that bucket list?

And I said, yeah.

And when I got home two and a half hours later, I had about 25 friends at the house.

They went down to Bloomington to the, I think it was the

Attic Factory.

Sure.

Doesn't matter.

Sure.

It doesn't matter.

Continue.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Done it a couple times since then.

And just.

So your first time doing stand-up, you didn't know you were going to do stand-up, so you had no time to prepare, correct?

Two and a half hours.

Okay, so she told you you're performing tonight at the comp.

What else did you knock off your bucket list that night?

Nothing off the bucket list that night.

Right.

So I'm just going off of what you said that she said about, are you ready to knock some stuff?

Or that would be different if it was a thing, but it's okay.

It was a thing.

Copy that.

Okay, gotcha.

What do you do for work, Bobby T?

I'm now a server.

Where are you serving at?

You're going to love this.

It's a family restaurant called Triple X, and it's in West Lafayette on Purdue campus.

Okay.

What did you study?

What are some trades that you know?

I used to teach middle school and then bartend in an Irish pub.

That's what I've done a majority of my life.

So how did you end up not teaching at school?

How do you end up a server if at one point you were a middle school teacher?

The look in your eyes is telling me this is is going to be a fun answer.

One, I made three times as much money bartending as I did as a teacher.

And secondly, unfortunately, I used to own a restaurant.

Stopped doing that at COVID.

And

you owned a restaurant?

I did.

What was the restaurant called?

Bobby T's.

It was your restaurant with your name, Bobby T's.

Let's look up the Yelp reviews for Bobby T's

restaurant.

This is one of my favorite things to do.

On a sad note, though, or a great note, because I got me here tonight.

The restaurant is closed.

We sold during COVID.

We were done during COVID.

What?

We were done during COVID, boss, man.

I'm sorry.

But that's got me here.

You closed during COVID.

Closed during COVID, yes, sir.

Yeah, I got that part.

You said that already.

It's in Indiana?

Yes, sir.

Bloomington?

No, West Lafayette.

West Lafayette.

Lafayette.

Lafayette.

Indiana.

Lafayette, Indiana, sir.

Gotcha.

Here we go.

Bobby T's.

We found it.

West Lafayette.

Now here we go.

First of all, here, I'll just take over because you are absolutely wild.

Let's just start by saying it's the one on Main Street, correct?

Bobby, over here, you fucking idiot.

Don't talk to...

You're not making friends with the fucking drummer when you're on this show.

So,

how do you feel like these Yelp reviews are going to be good?

Have you ever been to West Lafayette or Lafayette?

Can I tell you that your average is a 3.9 3.9 with 19 reviews?

Okay.

So here we go.

Jenny B says, typically a positive experience.

We've enjoyed going since they've reopened.

Disappointed in bartender Jennifer using the word retarded.

That was one of our comedy nights.

That's one of your comedy friends.

We used to try to do comedy night, dog.

We tried.

Let's do another one here.

That was a one star, if you're wondering.

That was a one star by Jenny B.

Olivia H, over five years ago, said, hello.

So my friends called ahead and made sure that we didn't need to reserve the campus location for a big group gathering.

And once they got there, they let us in.

Realized we weren't a part of a party that had been there and rudely asked us all to leave after we took extreme lengths to make sure we would be allowed to come.

Several of us are under 21 and want to spend time with our older friends.

I'm really disappointed in the lack of communication and the overall rudeness of the employees working the door.

We'll not be attempting to go back.

We asked to speak to a manager and some

fat pig.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm joking.

I'm joking.

I made that part up.

Your next review is from Kanako T over seven years ago.

How long were you open for?

A little bit lighter on the drums there, Michael.

You've been working out a little too much.

Go ahead.

There was two different locations.

There was a Bobby T's campus and Bobby T's downtown and we were opened up for about four years.

You had two locations.

I was trying to run two locations.

I did not have two locations.

Wow.

It's a long story you don't want to hear it all.

Kanako T said, I ordered fried pickles

and the plate I received had only five fried pickles.

Which are probably one pickle split into five pieces.

It was $5.49 if I'm not wrong.

So So 1.1 per piece.

Awesome.

Is that what you did?

Were you fucking cutting your pickles, dude?

With gloves on, yes.

Wow.

So what was your plan?

You would get a pickle and you would slice it many times and then just fry the super thin pickle?

We hand-breaded all our food.

But we weren't known for our pickles.

We weren't known for our pickles.

But you were going thin with the pickles.

you were trying to really profit off these but you were selling like 549 We weren't profiting too much.

Yeah, but I mean 549 per pickle is unbelievable

There's breading a side sauce.

Yes, it's it is a pricey pickle.

How much do you think was in how much do you think the side of sauce was worth?

You're buying bulk, right?

No, scratch kitchen, scratch kitchen.

We're making you made the sauce from scratch.

You betcha.

Wow.

Scratch kitchen.

Okay, scratch kitchen.

Yeah.

My goodness.

Do you have Jennifer's number?

Jennifer uses the R word.

I do not have Jennifer's number, but it's ironic that she's the one that said it.

Because I think she asked herself, like, you've probably seen that.

Am I retarded?

And nobody's telling me.

Speaking of retarded, just to keep you guys updated on what I'm seeing, Redband is Googling pickles in bulk

to find a price on pickles, but he spells it P-I-C-K-E-L-S, E L S everybody

So Jennifer was here right now.

He'd be retarded everybody.

Let's go back to the Yelp reviews

That's how you spell it Tony

That's how you spell it all the way back

My review three stars from Dale My review is based on a short drinking and snack episode in a Thursday night at 2 a.m.

Take it for what it's worth.

We picked the place because they were open late and had food service.

That's a plus.

The facilities were clean.

The barkeep was friendly and helpful.

She recommended appetizers that the kitchen could make well at that hour.

We ordered the fried pickles.

And the ghost pepper mozzarella mozzarella balls wrapped in bacon.

Leo, you're pumping your fist over there.

Look at that you're proud of these ghost i'm proud of our i was i was proud of our menu i was proud of what we were doing ghost pepper mozzarella balls so describe those to us so uh what bothered me is how expensive mozzarella sticks are they take advantage of you so we took uh well we know you're trying to

you're the guy you're the guy famously trying to make seven dollars per pickle over here

So we take big cuts of mozzarella and we handbread it ourselves three different times and then we wrap it in in bacon and then we sell it out that way so you get a good bang for your buck.

I'm really proud.

How much profit do you think you were pulling off one of these mozzarella balls?

Not enough because we had to close, but.

That's right.

Roughly 66%.

We ordered the fried pickles and the ghost pepper mozzarella balls wrapped in bacon.

The fried pickles were very good.

I'm really proud of all that.

The mozzo balls were good as well.

Be careful.

They are spicier than advertised.

Is that true?

We advertised that.

It was spicy.

It's right to the point.

I had a gin and seven that came in a large cup.

I tasted more seven up than gin.

I also had a Skittles shot.

Nice flavor.

Not much kick.

You did Skittles shots?

So behind our bar, we had nothing but like infused vodkas and with candies and fruits and things like that.

Or Skittles shots with number one seller.

But it was pure vodka with Skittles.

I mean,

all our alcohol was just infused, pure alcohol.

It sounds like your bartender was a pedophile.

Indiana not Kentucky, but yes, possible.

Hmm.

Hmm.

All right.

Yeah, pretty good reviews other than that.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Why do you think it closed?

Where do you think you went wrong?

COVID.

Sure, but some places stayed open during the day.

You know what?

I've lived a very full life at that point, man.

And I was already pretty beat up and tired from it.

I mean, we built a stage and

we were doing comedy nights and burlesque shows.

Oh, that's the way to keep the people fucking happy.

You up there just bombing while they're eating slivers of pickles.

But it worked.

It worked.

It was fun.

I met a lot of great people, man.

And now you like your life.

You like bartending.

You like the nightlife.

Do you get pretty fucked up yourself?

I do get pretty fucked up when I come into Austin.

But this is the first time in my entire life that I don't work with any alcohol anymore at all.

This restaurant I work at is during the day.

I'm home every day by 5 p.m.

Don't deal with any alcohol.

So what do you do when you get home at 5 p.m.?

Well, Wednesday is my next day at work.

I got to leave here, drive straight to Indiana.

I work Wednesday, and then I got band practice at 5 p.m.

What type of band are you in?

We play everything from AC DC to...

What do you do in the band?

I'm a drummer.

What do you, what's the name of the band?

Rodeo.

Like you're driving down the road, listening to the radio.

Rodeo.

So the name of the band is Rodeo.

Yep.

And you think...

Do you always say that when you tell people when they go, what's the name of your band?

You go, Rodeo.

It's like you're driving down the road listening to the radio.

Yeah, I did not come up with the name, so I feel like I need to try to explain it.

Bobby T, I'm going to tell you what.

I read your Yelp reviews.

We're into overtime with you.

Deep, deep into overtime.

But I cannot possibly turn down the opera.

How long have you been playing drums for?

On the whole life.

Your whole life.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time.

It's time for a Mexican drama.

Ladies and gentlemen Michael Gonzalez get up out of that seat dude.

Come on.

Oh my goodness.

Bobby T taking off his jacket.

The horn players are jamming.

They know what to do.

It is a true Mexican drama.

Bobby, are you Mexican?

Hold on, wait.

You're not?

Okay, well then it's a it's a

hold on hold on Bobby.

Just wait.

He's very excited.

He's very excited.

He's like a fucking pile of fried pickles over there.

Just just ready to slice and dice and make a profit tonight.

So let me remind you how this works.

Some of you might not know.

So I see some very pretty girls out here that were dragged here by your podcast-loving boyfriends.

You might not know, but right now, Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike himself, his job is on the line.

For a Bobby T has a better drum solo than Michael Gonzalez.

They have to basically switch lives.

Bobby T becomes the full-time drummer on Kill Tony.

Michael Gonzalez literally has to go drive to Indiana, bartend at a bar that is filled with mozzarella bomb bacon wraps and shit.

And it's just insanity.

I will say Michael has never lost.

And every time we do this, the audience decides.

So it's a lot less biased than people think.

We go off of the volume of the audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's drum solo competition, I present to you the bucking fried pickle king of West Lafayette, Indiana, driving 18 hours for this, living his dream.

This is a drum solo by Bobby T.

All right, not the biggest ending there.

A lot of

heat.

A lot of heat down the front of the race.

I think he lost some gas there at the end.

Didn't really put a big ribbon on it.

It closed a lot like his restaurant did.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne.

Don't let the camera fool you.

This man is bigger than anyone on the stage.

This is big Michael Gonzalez, everybody.

Here he is.

He's a good sport.

The horn players playing what Michael hears in his head all the time.

the sweet sounds of Mexican, Mexican stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is

Michael Gonzalez.

Michael Gonzalez.

Well, this is that time where we find out who is being sent home to West Lafayette, Indiana.

One of the most shocking upsets in the history of this show.

If the crowd decides, so how many of you, I must ask, have Bobby T winning the Mexican drum off?

Now is your chance.

How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

Even Bobby T himself with the big vote

Bobby congratulations here's a medium joke book for you there he goes Bobby T everybody absolutely

all right on to the next one we're having fun here tonight

a long long set yeah that happens sometimes

the great Heidi

Saging the stage from the

three bombs that we've had so far tonight.

Anything could happen though.

Perhaps the bomb streak ends with the comedy stylings of your next bucket pool.

Juan Denmark, everybody, Juan Denmark.

Everybody has freak offs.

White people have freak offs.

They're called lifestyle parties.

Mexican people have freak offs too.

They're called Keen Seneras.

15 is not a woman, Pedro.

Put your dick back in your pants, Pedro.

You got three more fucking years in this country, Pedro.

Pedro's trying to turn a Keen Senior to a kink senior.

All right.

Asian people got freak offs too, y'all.

They're called sweatshops.

I'm the type of dude that brings condoms to the freak-off.

I was on a date with a woman one time and she told me that she's allergic to condoms.

I told her I'm allergic to chlamydia.

She said, the only way we can use a condom is if I go and get a lambskin condom.

Lambskin condoms are easier to shoot through than Donald Trump security.

Fuck yeah, one Denmark.

I like it.

The first rock solid set of the night.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, it's one of you.

Fuck yeah.

Very exciting.

Absolutely.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

I dated a black guy.

Make some noise for white women dating black guys.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Ew.

Hello.

Welcome to the show, Juan.

You are very, very funny.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Three and a half years.

Where at?

Portland, Oregon.

Boo!

Amazing, amazing.

Juan, stick with me over here.

So you still live in Portland?

I do, I do.

What do you like about Portland?

White women who date black guys.

Okay.

But seriously, what has you in Portland?

That's where you were born and raised?

No, no, I was born in Berlin, Germany.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

That's the death place of Adolf Hitler, if you guys didn't know that.

No, we know.

Oh, I know, you know.

We know, yeah.

No, you know, absolutely.

You know me.

No, you know.

Old Nazi rally Tony over here.

You know me.

Hell yeah.

You've been watching that Portland local news, I can tell.

Where are my Puerto Ricans at?

Okay.

What do you think?

It's free ticket night?

They're not here.

No.

All right.

Juan Denmark.

You look neither like a Juan or that you're from Denmark.

This is incredible.

What a name.

It's like my name being Andrew.

You're Cuban.

I just found out about it.

Okay, okay.

All right.

Okie-dokie, I guess so.

All right.

So that's big news.

So, Juan, what do you do for work in Portland, Oregon?

I go to school full-time to become a clinical psychologist.

So if anybody needs help, come see me in a few years.

Oh.

That's not, if you need help, if you need help.

Okay.

I'm imagining getting mental help from someone that was doing comedy on Kill Tony.

Fuck what?

Well, I'd rather it be Juan than any of the other bucket pulls here, tonight.

I'll tell you that.

Look at Macy Yo shaking his head.

Oh, he's smiling now.

Once I pointed at him, he started smiling, but I looked over there.

I just saw this.

Me, me, Carnell.

C, see, see.

Oh,

shit.

What the hell are they saying?

Okay, hell, yeah.

He's smart.

Hell.

Big Mike, what did he just say to him?

I couldn't tell what you said, bro.

Carnell.

Oh, yeah.

It's like a whole

nigga in Spanish.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Carnell.

Carnell.

Fuck.

Nigga.

Carnell.

Hell.

What's up, Carnal?

Duolingo, nigga.

Hell yeah.

Nigga lingo.

Hell yeah.

I like this shit.

Why do I feel like it's the same exact word as Spanish?

Is it?

So, how long you've been going to school for that, Juan?

This is my senior year now.

So, three years.

Yeah, I'll graduate next year, technically.

And you're really passionate about that, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I served 12 years in the military.

So, yeah, I know people need to be.

Wow, amazing.

Amazing.

What branch of the military were you?

Were you in the German military?

No, no, I wasn't.

I was in the Army.

I was an Army Ranger.

Okay.

Unbelievable.

That's right there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

you saw me absolutely incredible

yeah you know where we we're my army anybody in the army in this bitch yeah that's what's up hell yeah hell yeah our other comedians tonight only served uh fried pickles this is incredible you have a real hero up here i serve i serve raw pickle

okay

all right

With a condom on it, goddamn it.

Okay.

Forget about that.

That condom looks like it's been through a lot.

I gotta tell you.

The fuck, did you microwave that thing?

Listen, Tony, I got you.

That's why you keep three in the stash.

Oh, Jesus.

All three of them look heavily damaged.

Listen.

Those things look like they were fucking.

Looks like you let Mr.

G's cats play with those.

Rio!

Miriam?

No, have you made fun of this nigga yet?

It's the first thing I did when I came out.

Holy shit, you.

Hell yeah, that's fucking scam Patterson right there.

Hi, shit.

That's my cousin, man.

Yo.

I'm my cousin.

Holy shit.

That's my Seminole twin.

Real shit.

So, how long are you in Austin, Texas for, Juan?

Until next Tuesday.

Until next Tuesday.

Next Tuesday.

Amazing stuff.

How much time do you think you've,

how long of a set would you be comfortable doing that you think is good?

Whatever anyone would pay me for.

I'm doing that.

Well, that's not really

how it works.

That's a terrible answer.

Shit, 30 minutes.

I could do 30 minutes.

Have you done 30 minutes?

I've done 50.

I just did 50 two weeks ago in Eugene, Oregon.

Okay, and that went good the whole set through it?

It did.

I was surprised.

It was my first time pushing it that far.

But usually between 20 to 30 is where I'm like, I make my money for sure.

I just fuck around with niggas like this.

He's 10 minutes, Tony.

This is 10 minutes.

Oh, I know.

I know.

It's amazing.

This nigga's got a shirt with himself on on it twice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's, I have a

my fan base is retarded.

It's incredible.

Juan, I think you're so funny.

Since you're going to be here next Monday, I'm going to give you an automatic minute next Monday.

How about that?

You will have an automatic spot on the show.

And I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Boom.

Juan, Denmark.

picking up gigs in

Juan.

Here's a big jump book.

Juan Denmark, everybody.

Wow.

It is possible that there are some good comedians in this bucket.

There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight,

where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Honey punches the votes la forma perfecto dependencos familia.

Cono juelas crujientes andi elberas qual niños les encantas.

Ademas delicíos os trosos de granola nuesces y fruta que todos vanadis frutad.

Honey punches devotes para todos.

tocal benefit.

This is a very, very exciting bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen.

This guy,

I mean, it's incredible.

Literally, my first friend in stand-up comedy.

I can't believe he signed up for the show.

This is amazing.

We've been doing stand-up together for 17, almost 18 years, exactly.

Door guys together at the comedy store.

Former roommate of mine.

I used to live in the living room

17 years ago and he's here to do a minute make some noise for Matt Edgar everybody comedy store regular mothership regular

must be bored on a Monday signing up for kill Tony one more time for Matt Edgar everybody

thank you everybody thank you

I just moved to Austin a year ago.

Yeah, it's so gay.

I mean, every every weekend there's a march or a parade.

When I was a kid, gay was like an insult.

Now it's a party.

Give them an inch.

And they're going to try to suck it.

I'll tell you the gayest thing I've ever done.

Tony was there.

We performed in the La Jolla comedy store, and it was me, Tony, our friend Benji Aflalo, and they put us up in a hotel room that only had two beds.

That's three dudes,

two beds.

Found out how to make it not gay.

You just take the two beds,

push them together

three dudes one bed cancels out any potential gayness

this is absolutely true Matt Edgar ladies and gentlemen

was Benji in the middle or was I in the middle That'd be Benji.

I think it was Benji.

Yeah, we put the Jew in the middle.

That's true.

This way he couldn't escape.

D-Madness has heard enough gay references in a minute.

There he goes.

Famous homophobe D-Madness.

The biggest homophobe on the stage.

Wait, turn around, D.

Wait, I guess you don't know which way around is.

D-Madness, I'm not gay.

Unbelievable.

Famous homophobe D-Madness.

He doesn't see color, but he smells gayness, and

he has smelt it here tonight.

Matt Edgar, we could go on and on with gay stories with me and you.

It is incredible.

I once caught him.

We got into a two-man bicycle accident, and I caught him in mid-air and cradled his head.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

We could give the internet trolls all the fuel they've ever asked for here while being two straight men that everybody thinks is gay.

Um, so Matt Ebaway, I love it.

That was a fantastic set.

All is true.

You guys know Matt Edgar.

So where do we even begin, Matty Boy?

I mean, God, man.

Friends with Ari Matty served up Ari Maddie on a platter to me telling me how absolutely hilarious he is before I even got to see him.

You're welcome, everybody.

Yeah.

I saw.

It's true.

I saw Ari Matty.

And like you said, we've been doing this about 18 years and it's hard to get inspiration, you know, when you come here every single night.

And I saw Ari go up before me here in Little Boy, and I was like, dude, this is the fucking guy.

Yeah.

And I had to tell him, and now look at it.

No doubt.

No-brainer.

Rock star.

Served it up on a silver platter.

Maddie, what else is going on in life?

What else is shaking?

You know what?

I'm just recovering from a very fun New Year's Eve.

Thanks to you guys.

You hosted something amazing.

Yeah, that was such an awesome show.

You got to meet The Undertaker?

I met the fucking Undertaker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He I shook his hand and his fingers go all the way to my elbow.

He's the man and life is good.

I don't even know what else to talk about with you because we talk all the time.

I mean, dude,

the bike crash was fucking hilarious.

It really was.

Fun fact, we were going the same direction, talking about stuff on a sidewalk, going down sunset.

We were riding our bikes on a sidewalk.

From work back to our apartment, side by side, and our handlebars touched ever so slightly.

I was on the left side, so my right handlebar touched his left handlebar.

And what happens is

there's an electricity that happens when two handlebars touch.

And when you try to go the other way, you push.

So we...

Our tires ended up going out and then into each other.

And it all happens so, and we're launched.

At this point, we're up in the air.

And all we did our first many years, in fact, fact, it continues today now that I think about it, but all we've ever done is laugh together.

And there was nothing, there was nothing else I could do because his head was already kind of in my hand, and we were falling like nuts.

I swear to God, we were already laughing while we were still in the air.

We knew we were about to hit straight cement.

No, I mean, we're in the air.

Time, time stood still.

Yeah.

And he literally, mid-air, cradles my head like a baby.

And I look deep into his beautiful blue eyes and I knew in that moment we were best friends.

And let me remind you all we were working at the comedy store every single day and night together and living a nightlife of pure comedy out with Don Barris and Brian Holtzman and the late great Brody Stevens every night until 3, 4, 5 a.m.

and waking up at 11 the next day to go to the comedy store, answer the phones and do it again.

And in a beautiful world of comedy, sometimes you get into a bicycle accident that just.

And we laid on that sidewalk laughing.

And I kept the cradle for a while.

We laid there just crowding.

Can you believe we laid it like this?

It's incredible.

We don't have video of it, but it's out there somewhere.

It stays with me forever.

I could go right into that moment at any second.

If we only had a big, soft thing to land on like red band.

What was it like living with Tony?

It was great.

Actually, the bathroom was in my room.

Yeah, I'd have to tiptoe through Matt's bedroom to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, and that's when I knew it was time to get up every morning at 1 p.m.

when Tony had to pee.

That's it.

And we got up.

Great times living with him.

At one point, there were five comedians, maybe six comedians.

We just could not.

We realized that if we just kept adding roommates, we could save like $100 or $200 a month.

Yeah.

We came up with this brilliant business model until the end when the whole thing went kaboom.

Yeah.

Did you guys ever fight?

Yeah.

There was one.

What was the one?

I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but I remember you said something to me like, yeah, well, I went to big boy college.

Wow, that stuck with you, huh?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, shit.

You went to some like beach community college?

Yeah, I went to LBCC.

How is that the most savage roast Tony's ever?

Well, it sounds like he went to where fucking Snoop Dogg's a professor.

So

LBCC is amazing.

Blunt Rolling 101 is great.

I love it.

There was another fight in Portland, Texas, in line at a one-on-one.

Oh my God, this we should talk about.

They would not believe this.

And only seeing you and feeling our energies will it even make sense to the people so this is perfect we were opening for a comedian this is god damn again like 17 16 years ago we barely even belonged on the road opening for anybody so we were so grateful to have this opportunity we drove we all took turns driving this headliner to the far even farther east than here of texas

What was it again?

Corpus Christi.

Corpus Christi, whereas, but it was the showboat

stayed in Portland, Texas.

Portland, yes.

It was the first time I've ever been to Texas.

Yeah, me too.

I think, yeah.

And so we do the show.

We had drinks.

We had a lot of fun.

And our buddy insisted that we have to try a place that we had never heard of called Whataburger.

And there we are in line talking about pro wrestling, goofing around,

you know, fucking doing whatever we were doing.

He was wearing, I believe, the same jeans he's wearing now.

Skinny jeans.

My jeans were probably skinnier.

It was a different time.

Needless to say, in Texas, maybe we kind of stood out a little bit.

And we're in line at Whataburger, and I'll never forget.

We're goofing around in line, goofing around in line, and it's late.

It's like 2, 2.30 or whatever.

And I place my first Whataburger order and I hand over the $5 bill.

I'll never forget the $5 bill.

And at that moment...

The lady takes the $5 bill.

This is back when you paid with cash at times.

And a voice goes,

he won't be needing that food.

You can give him back that $5 bill.

And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck?

And there's a giant police officer over my shoulder.

And the lady goes, and she hands me the $5 bill.

I take it.

And

we're like, what's the problem?

Basically, and the cop's like, don't even talk to me.

If you guys say another word, you're going to be under arrest.

And we're like,

okay.

So we walk outside.

The headliner buddy of ours, who I think we were supposed to order food for, was coming in behind us, goes, where are you guys going?

Where's your food?

He's on a cell phone.

And we go, we just got kicked out.

And he is friends with the mayor of Portland, Texas.

Who we were with.

The mayor was, we were with him.

Well, we were with him earlier in the night, right?

And we were staying at his house, I believe.

Correct.

Oh, wait.

Yes.

We were supposed to stay at his house that night.

And so my friend, my buddy goes to the cop and he goes, what the fuck is the deal?

These are my good friends.

They're visiting from California.

This is their first whataburger experience why are you kicking them out and this cop goes if you say one more fucking word to me I'm gonna put you under arrest and he goes well fuck you don't know who you're fucking with and the cop's like you're under fucking arrest you're under arrest you get over here he cuffs them puts him in the car He literally calls the mayor who comes and picks us up.

And again, we're like, man, this cop's going to be like in trouble.

He doesn't know who he's fucking with.

Anyway, long story short, he gets out of jail that night.

He comes to the house.

We have more drinks, which is crazy.

The next day, we have to go to Houston or something like that.

We're driving to another city, hungover as fuck.

And

the headliner gets a phone call and he goes, you guys shut up.

Because we're, again, we've just been giggling for 18 years together.

So he goes, you guys shut up.

This is the chief of police calling.

I'm going to find out what the fuck really happened last night.

And he goes, what's up, chief?

And it's on speakerphone.

And so me and Matt are in the back seat, like, here we go.

And he goes, man, what the hell happened last night?

Why did I get arrested?

And the voice, the chief of police, goes, well, yeah, I talked to the officer.

He said there were a couple f ⁇ ets fighting at a Whataburger.

Rolling around at a Whataburger.

And they were doing some kind of horseplay or something like that.

He wasn't wrong.

Yeah.

Cut to me and Matt cracking up and the headliner being like, shut up, you're on speakerphone.

We didn't even like know what speakerphone was at the time because we were just children.

D-Madness is back.

You say f ⁇ it three times.

He pops back

like homophobic Beetlejuice.

So yeah.

We could go on and on with our childhood stories.

Matty, so fun to have you.

So good to be here.

We'll do this more often.

We'll get you on panel sometime soon.

We'll jam.

Appreciate that.

I'm so proud of you, Danny.

Thank you.

We love you, brother.

Thank you.

We love you.

Magic, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Back to complete strangers.

So, what a wild, wild transition.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Will Merrick, everybody.

Will Merrick.

What's up, guys?

This is is my impression of Italian Bill Cosby.

A Gabigoul!

All right.

It's good to be here.

Thank you guys.

Thank you so much.

I stopped watching the news recently.

I feel like they're not talking about the important stuff on the news.

They're never talking about how Bill Cosby's out of prison, you know.

Never talking about how he might be Italian.

They're never talking about how Shell Silverstein would be like the perfect name for a Jewish turtle.

You know?

Don't worry, guys.

I'm allowed to do that joke.

My mom is actually a turtle, so it's fine.

I've got the reptile past.

It's very good.

It's very nice.

I'm a confused man.

A lot of the time.

I don't really know what's going on much.

One of my friends the other day was trying to talk to me about Yao Ming.

I was like, pretty sure his name's pronounced Yao Ming.

That's...

Not even kind of close.

Where's the W, sir?

Explain.

We're at a PF Chang.

Stop, sir.

We're not going to watch Yellowstone.

That's ridiculous.

I would never do that.

All right, we'll call it there.

Thank you so much.

We'll call it there.

Will Merrick.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Some topical Shell Silverstein and Bill Cosby impressions.

So, Will, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Almost four years.

Where at?

Three and a quarter here.

I started in Virginia, but like barely.

Okay.

Have you been on this show before?

Three years ago.

Okay.

What did we find out then?

What did we talk about?

What was the interview portion like?

I think you called me vitamin deficient.

Still probably true.

I'm from Charlottesville, Virginia.

We talked a bit about the fun rally we had.

Yeah.

Oh, how the tides have turned.

Yeah.

Pretty much that, I think.

So how has life changed in the three years since you've been on?

I'm slightly less bad now.

I still live here, still the same job at a restaurant.

Yeah, I play saxophone too.

We talked about that.

I didn't bring it last time.

I didn't bring it this time either, but you guys have

a much better player here.

I do get to play saxophone for the absolute show.

It's a show that Lucas McCurry and Liz do at the Creek, so that's fun.

That's fun.

Okay.

All right.

What else do you do for fun when you're not playing sax or doing stand-up?

I play basketball.

I like to get high and play chess and do very badly.

That's kind of a fan.

Okay.

Make it harder on myself.

Yeah.

Go on walks, you know.

Really exciting stuff.

Really super,

you know, buy weird sweatpants.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Mostly just the stand-up and saxophone, I guess.

What's your love life like, Will?

Lazy.

I don't know.

I don't try very hard as far as acquiring.

Can you give us an example of a time in which you could have tried but you didn't

uh

where you're like man what's wrong with me why didn't i fucking

i don't how about a time where you did try i did try uh well see it probably

it's just tough this is tough i um

i always thought i'd be wearing a suit doing this i should have dressed up more to talk about this embarrassing stuff i uh i don't know i don't

i don't try at all i don't know if i can come up with a time i usually just uh you know I used to be a fat kid and then I got less fat and I thought it would work out.

And then you realize you still have to try.

And it really is disappointing.

So now I just figure maybe I'll just do stand-up and one day when I'm 50, I can get married then.

That's how it,

right?

You just commit to this life and then it works out eventually, hopefully.

I think.

Maybe not.

Have you ever been with a woman before, Will?

Yeah.

Like how

long ago was that?

When did that happen for you?

You know, well, I've I've hooked up with a coworker.

But it was always like someone would have to tell me they're kind of interested first.

What do you mean you fucked up with a coworker?

I hooked up with a co-worker.

Oh, you hooked up with a coworker.

What industry was that?

In the restaurant?

Yeah, restaurant.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

And that happened at your place?

Yeah, my place.

But it was just, you know, I'm not going to go out there and try and risk it.

You just wait until you're like, I should.

I should have sex with a coworker.

That's what you do, right?

That's the smart decision.

You do comedy.

Was that only a one-time thing, the sex with a co-worker?

Nah, the lot, you know.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Not in a cool way, just, you know.

Anything other than missionary position with you?

You seem like a guy that just goes missionary, stares deep in the eyes, and comes immediately.

Eye contact is difficult, yeah.

No,

I uh I'm more of a

yeah, no, I like that one.

Like I said, lazy.

If they're down to go on top, that's pretty cool, too.

They aren't.

Yay, I'm just saying, you know, I'm trying to mix it up.

No, it's pretty boring.

It's pretty boring.

I don't like to ask for things again.

I'm just grateful to be there.

I'm grateful for the opportunity.

Don't want to ruffle any feathers.

Wow.

You know.

You are.

I appreciate it.

A hero for all mute autistic people out there.

Incredible.

Did you get a joke book a while ago?

A very little one.

It was so bad last time.

It was that bad?

I thought so.

I don't know.

I mean, I'd been here for like six months and it showed.

How do you feel like it went this time?

Better, which isn't saying much.

You know, interview's still about as awkward as last time.

Yeah, you're terrible at it.

Yeah.

It almost seems like you have no idea what show you're going on or that you might have to be.

I don't watch this as much as I should.

You don't need to watch it to be able to answer questions.

Very simply.

You give us nothing to work with as well.

All right.

Yeah,

okay.

Anything crazy about your life that you wish you would have mentioned last time you were on where you're like, wow, that could have gone better if I would have mentioned that entertaining fun fact about the time that I did this or that or my family this or my upbringing that or my hometown this or.

Or I was on top once.

Oh, yeah.

One time I was on top.

No, I...

I don't think so.

I think my life, I had a friend tell me, actually, you shouldn't prepare for this, which is the worst advice I've ever had.

Your friend.

Go into the interview and they'll ask you questions and you respond.

and it's not going well.

So I think I should have prepared something.

You didn't really have to prepare.

You could also just be loose and say that you do things other than stand up and saxophone.

Oh, okay.

I thought they're telling me not to stand up anymore.

Okay, there he goes.

Will, everybody.

There he goes.

There he goes.

Oh, wow.

It's amazing when Macyo, Mr.

G, and Bobby T

absolutely dominate you in interview skills.

Macyo yo over there like, hey, I didn't do that bad.

Holy shit, good job, Macy.

Oh man, that guy was a fucking can of water.

At Blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments.

It's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Visit blinds.com now for up to 50% off with minimum purchase plus a professional measure at no cost.

Rules and restrictions apply.

Attention, all small biz owners.

At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.

With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it.

Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.

Visit the UPSstore.com/slash guarantee for full details.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

All right, we're having fun tonight.

It's proof.

Anything can happen.

Make some noise for Ty Marion, everybody.

Ty Marion is next.

This summer I was dating a black chick, skiing.

I Know that's surprising for some because I've been told I look like I got to pay for sex But I don't understand why you would pay for something that you can just go take

Anyways, my newbie and princess and I we wanted to spice up our sex life so we got these little cards to tell you what to do to one another, but they were crazy one night.

I got one that said, tie up your partner and whip them.

And with that racial dynamic, I was hesitant.

I fucking did it.

When it was done, I asked her how it was and she was like, shit, it wasn't that bad and I kind of liked it, but why did you keep calling me Toby?

She used to make me so mad though, because she was late for everything.

And then she explained to me there's this thing called colored people time.

I said, all right, for future reference then, can you explain to me exactly how long a cotton picking minute is?

Thank you.

All right.

Ty

Marion.

Welcome, welcome to the show.

You did really good for a guy with such a sad face.

Thank you, sir.

That is absolutely incredible.

Have you always looked like that, Ty?

No, when I was younger, I looked worse, I think.

Really?

Well, okay, so it's getting better.

I'm one of these people that ages a little bit better than

okay.

I like it.

I like the confidence.

Absolutely.

Ty, what ethnicity are you?

What ethnicity are you?

This is one of your favorite questions to ask me.

I'm just white.

You've been on this show before?

Yeah, it's my third time.

Okay, perfect.

I don't know how I forgot that face, but

it is incredible.

It's a lot fatter.

Okay, you're losing weight.

Yeah.

Okay.

I just lost 41 pounds.

Wow.

Congratulations.

Cam Patterson, what do you think about this guy?

So we're just going to skip the set, nigga?

Go right ahead.

If you want to cover, we can talk about it if you want.

He ended with cotton picking minute.

Oh, shit.

What is that?

I've never heard of that before.

It's funny.

It's funny that blasting young black man in America, I got to sit here and go like, this, why he's doing it.

But it was, I liked it.

It was very fun.

Like, I can control what these fucking people are going to say.

I know, no, I liked it.

I thought it was fun, blessing young black man.

People like this, dude.

Have you ever heard of a cotton picking minute before?

I don't know, nigga.

What the fuck?

You heard of this, John?

Okay, John has heard of it.

What do you think a cotton picking minute is, John?

I don't know, but every time I hear

you have to wait, so it's like you have to wait for some chief.

What do you mean?

Wait a cotton picking minute is afraid.

Oh,

now wait just a cotton picking minute.

Is it normally black people saying this?

Well, in that case, wait just a cotton picking minute.

Cam!

Cam, where's your grill?

You can't take out your grill halfway through the show.

What grill?

Wait, yeah, where'd your grill go?

What grill?

You can't bail on your grill.

What are you talking about?

This is incredible.

What's going on?

I'm going to educate a young black man in America.

Where is it?

I read books.

I read books really well.

I don't have a grill.

I'm a.

Why did you bail on your grill?

It's a magic trick.

It's a magic trick.

Ty Marion's about to smile and there's going to be a gold grill there.

How the hell did they do that?

Now wait just a cotton bicking minute.

So you heard this girl say that?

Or did you say it?

What was the part of the joke again?

She was always late for everything.

Okay.

And there's a thing that's called colored people time or black people time.

And

it's a real thing, man.

I've had roommates that are black, never on time.

We were late for fucking everything.

Cam Patterson.

Put the girl back in.

Okay, wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute.

Shit, hold up.

Wait a minute.

I'm going to put it back in.

Hold up.

Tony, what time of the show started today?

The show started on time.

And was I here?

You were here early.

Goddamn right, nigga.

As always.

I was here early as fuck.

That people be early sometimes, nigga.

Yep.

John D's also here early.

D-Madness here shockingly early.

Jerome.

Hey.

Labor to Rome.

Hey, it's New Year's resolution, I'm assuming, right?

No!

Hilarious.

That was good.

You got me.

You got me on that one.

Ty Marion with a great line.

Have you always been on time, Cam?

Yeah, always been on time.

But let me ask you something.

Do you feel the urge like in your blood sometimes

to just be a little late?

Yeah, when I'm having sex.

Oh.

Yeah, when I'm fucking, I'm always late.

I don't know what that means, but yeah, me neither.

It's time to cool as fuck the Sato, dog.

You know what I'm saying?

Yep, it did.

So, cotton picking minute.

What else?

What else happened?

You were really with a black woman?

Yeah.

Is it your first black woman that you've been with?

No.

Jeez, you say no like you've been with them all.

Nah, I mean, I don't know.

Do you prefer black women over white women?

Yeah.

Hey.

Whoa.

Not

all white women.

Watch it.

Whoa.

Whitey Cummings over here representing the master race very well.

I mean, I'd give Whitney a chance, but I think we'd have to change her name to Whitney B.

Cummings.

You know what I mean?

Whoa, this guy thinks he can make Whitney coming.

Oh my God, nothing turns me on like racism, so I would

fuck you in a heartbeat.

My goodness.

What would your approach be with a woman like Whitney with a real powerful, you know, respected,

funny, good sense of humor, good looking.

I know for a fact she,

from what I've heard.

I'm just gonna say, I know for a fact that, I mean, I know you, when you had the baby, you got a little, you mentioned in the green room, you got a little.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay.

I might be crossing a line right now.

I don't know what's fun for comedy and what's not, but I happen to know the thing is

it's ready to go.

Mommy's doing her kegels.

Yeah.

All right.

It is in shape.

Awesome.

Fantastic.

You're not the only person that lost 44 pounds.

I've actually my pussy.

So tell us, what would you do to please a woman like Whitney?

First off, let's start.

We put a bag over your head.

Let's start there.

And then what would you do?

Yeah, I'm not like, you're just big on like the sweetness or the whining and dining or anything.

We just go out.

We'd have a good time.

Like what?

What would you do?

If there's no whining and dining, what do you consider a good time?

Exactly.

Something different.

Because in Austin, you can go view.

What are we talking about?

Escape room?

You wouldn't pull out your deck of cards with ideas of how to fuck a woman?

No.

It was just because we were a little getting...

What?

I don't know.

Okay.

So no winding and dining.

Did you say something about a mountain?

Yeah, that's like, I don't know what those rocks you can go climb and watch sunsets and shit.

So you'd want to go see a sunset with her, climb a mountain.

So it's a very thrifty date.

Yeah.

Okay.

We do a picnic and make it somewhat sweet.

Okay,

what would you put in the picnic basket?

I'd check with their dietary restrictions ahead of time.

Okay.

All right.

I think you're getting warmer here.

Fucking charcuterie board, give us some cheese.

I ain't trying to hear no fucking farts or none of that shit.

I'm trying to fucking get some.

Okay.

What is cheaper than a picnic?

Like, we're not going to a restaurant.

Well, I'm just going to sit on the ground.

He could take you to Bobby T's for some fried pickles.

You get

five pickles for $5.49.

$1.1

per pickle slice.

You ever have fried pickles with a girl?

I don't like pickles.

You don't like pickles.

What else don't you like?

Change the subject, but I'll tell you something I don't like.

I don't like the dude that broke into where I worked a couple months ago.

Okay, where do you work?

I work at a dispensary down here on 6th Street across from the Vulcan.

Okay.

And what happened there exactly?

What did he look like?

Cam Patterson.

Hey!

Hey!

That guy had gold teeth in it when he did it!

It couldn't have been me at all.

That guy had gold teeth.

We'll know where he went.

We are looking for a man, a suspect with gold teeth.

Four gold teeth in his pocket.

It's in your pocket.

I I don't know what you're talking about.

Wait, that guy's gold teeth are out now, too.

What the fuck is going on over here?

This is crazy.

This is crazy.

Okay, so seriously, what did the suspect look like?

Did he look like Cam, John Dees, or D-Madness?

Oh, okay.

It was a white dude.

He was a white dude.

Can you describe the white dude?

He could be here.

Let's find out.

No, he ain't here.

He ain't no longer with us.

Oh, really?

What happened to him?

Welcome to Texas.

Oh, What, what a wait at just a cotton picking minute.

Hold on a second.

I think I'm going to pass on the picnic.

Thank you.

That's how you should use it.

So what?

Did you find the guy?

What happened here?

I'll explain it to you if you want, because it's magic of editing.

I can send you a clip.

that you can show on YouTube too.

You guys found the guy.

I was there.

We have security cameras.

I happen to be looking at the camera because...

Oh, he broke in while you were there.

Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

I'm watching the camera and he comes up with a, he yanks our door.

We have to buzz you in.

And he had a crowbar in his hand.

He started smashing the window out.

So the first time he swung, I was like, fuck that.

It's on.

So I took off and we're upstairs.

I was at the top of the stairs.

He was at the middle.

He slapped the crowbar against his hand.

He said, I can't do this this today, which I don't know what the fuck that means.

I just looked at him and I had some pepper spray at the time on my hand.

I said, I can, motherfucker.

And I sprayed him.

We had some other stuff that happened for legal purposes.

I'll omit.

Yeah.

He left, and about a block over here, he bled out.

Oh, he died.

Yeah, he ain't no longer with us.

Wow.

Okay.

Wow, that is our first admission of murder in the show's history.

Right when you think it's just your normal old comedy episode,

he ain't no longer with us.

Was he homeless or did he have a family and kids?

Wow, Red Band trying to make it extra depressing over here, fucking.

Oh, whoops.

There you go.

Yeah,

I think he he was homeless.

But it was also the day that the Lions beat the Cowboys like 47 and 9, too.

So that might have had something to do with it.

Very good.

All right.

Yes.

Sounds just like a football game.

That's baseball.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Okay.

So

you think he was homeless.

You remember who played football that day.

What could he have gotten out of there if he would have been wildly successful?

Maybe

like $200 and some weed.

Right.

Some Delta 8.

It's not even real weed, right?

Right.

Yeah, we don't like that.

John D's being very vocal behind me.

He is.

He's our senior marijuana correspondent.

There's a reason why he wears.

You can all boo it, but obviously it's to die for.

Whoa.

All right.

You already have a big joke book?

There he goes, everybody.

Ty Marion

doing it again.

I pulled names until we got our first female comedian of the night, everybody.

So here is a minute from Amanda Mercedes, everyone.

Make some noise for Amanda Mercedes, everybody.

Amanda Mercedes.

Hey, how's it going?

Woo!

So as a strong, independent woman, I really look up to other females in male dominant positions.

Not just in the bedroom, but like specifically in professions, occupations.

But recently there was a young girl in Wisconsin who shot up her Christian school.

Not the direction of, you know, women taking on male dominant positions as I thought.

Because when I was 15, we were just kind of getting high in the bathroom.

But maybe that's just the difference between Catholic schools and public schools.

Yeah, that's what I got.

I'm sorry.

All right.

There you go.

Whitney Cummings.

Keep it going for Taylor Bomlinson, everybody.

Oh, there you go.

There you go.

My goodness gracious, Cam.

What's up, white bitch?

How are you doing?

You good?

Hey!

How horrible?

You look good.

Hey.

You look good, dude.

This is my first time on a stage without a pole.

We do that.

We knew that.

Oh.

Wait, you were on stage with a pole before?

What the hell were you doing on stage with a pole?

Were you a fireman or something like that?

Sit out of here.

Sit down.

What were you doing on stage with a pole?

What are we talking about?

I was a young delinquent at the age of 18 and didn't really know what direction I wanted to go in.

Did you ever make more money than you did that year?

Nope.

Just a little fun fact.

What do you do for work now?

I work for a cannabis company.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

What do you do for the cannabis company?

I'm their compliance officer.

So what exactly do you have to do?

I make sure that we follow the state rules and we don't sell over any overages and everybody gets to have fun and we get to stay open and sell weed to Michigan.

Okay, so you're in the state of Michigan.

This is

what a Michigan 10 looks like, everybody, for those of you over there.

That's what we did.

You won't win back there.

What?

So you still live in Michigan right now?

Yes, sir.

What brings you you to Austin, Texas?

Came here to Kill Tony.

I love it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Not at all.

This is your first time on a stage without a poll, you said.

So you came here to sign up to do Kill Tony.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

All right.

You didn't practice anywhere else?

At work and at home and, you know.

All right.

Yeah.

What do you do for fun up in Michigan?

Where are you at?

Ann Arbor?

West Michigan, North Michigan, Nuego.

Oof.

All right.

Yeah.

Yep.

14 degrees before I left here.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

So do you do for fun?

What do you do?

Ice fish or something?

Smoke weed, go hiking, kayak in the summer.

Really?

Winter time.

Do you hike a lot?

Yeah.

Michael, why did you make that noise?

Hold on a second.

Let's check in with Mr.

Nice Guy, Michael Gonzalez, Mr.

Fitness, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez.

Why did you make that noise when I say you hike a lot?

I didn't know what you were doing.

What do you think I was doing?

You just pointed at her.

Why would you point at her like that?

I would keep my mouth shut.

Yeah, maybe you should keep your fucking mouth shut.

I think you look good.

Thanks, Kim.

Yeah, of course.

I'm lying, but it's not.

Yeah.

You hike.

I know you hike.

You hike to the local ice cream shop.

Oh, we're having fun.

Shut up.

She signed up for it.

I signed up for it.

You're damn right you did.

Is that your real name, Amanda Mercedes?

That's my middle name, first and middle.

Wow.

Is that the name that you went by when you were a stripper?

Mercedes?

Or did you have a different stripper name?

It was.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Here she is, everybody.

Mercedes.

I know she looks like a Kia, but it's a Mercedes here.

It's a Mercedes, everybody.

Here comes Mercedes.

I'm more built like a Buick, but...

Yeah, there you go.

Absolutely.

You are.

You have some tattoos there.

What do you got there on your thigh?

Flowers.

A little flower pot to cover up the fishy smells down there, huh?

Oh, shut up.

You guys are still groaning this deep into the episode.

You guys are just appalled by what's happening up here?

I actually got a tattoo of Brida Frankenstein that can make her twerk.

Whoa, you can make her twerk?

Yeah.

Let's see.

Oh, it's not really doing anything at all.

That's amazing.

My pants are kind of tight.

And I just got a tattoo on this side.

What'd you get over there?

It's a broken flower pot.

Wow.

What does that represent to you exactly?

I had $300 and wanted something.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Welcome to the Never Gonna Get Married Club, man.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Never gonna find one.

I live in a 35-foot camper with my dog, so I wasn't.

Oh, nice.

I love it.

What kind of dog is it?

She's a doe, remember, man?

Okay.

Is she my baby?

All right.

What do you guys, you take her for walks?

We go for hikes.

Right.

That explains the

hikes and go to the beach.

Okay.

The Michigan beaches, the beautiful beaches of Michigan.

Just stand out there and fucking freeze your ass off for a bit and then go back inside.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's amazing.

So you live in a camper in Michigan.

You're just like, this is like the Kid Rock origin story.

Yeah.

This is amazing.

And what are some?

What are some of your big goals?

Like, what are you excited about?

How old are you?

I'm 28.

28.

So you have your whole life behind you except for the 10 years.

Except for the 10 years you just wasted.

What are some big goals for you?

I'd like to travel.

I'd like to own my own business one day.

What type of business do you want to own?

Cannabis-related.

I mean, I've been in the industry this long, you know, consulting.

Okay.

You smoke a lot of pot.

She wants her own cannabis business.

Cam Patterson licking his golden girl.

Anyone thought of business?

Cam Patterson.

This could be good.

Cam's Kush.

You want to throw ourselves a weed?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey,

we grow the weed and we can like see.

I know a place we could get some THCA.

You just got to bust through the door and start going up the stairs.

It's going to be great.

Garbage.

No.

You need the real stuff.

Yeah, I brought my own weed, so I was covered there.

You're damn right.

Yeah, otherwise it's kind of sad.

The THCA seed.

I don't go near it.

No.

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

You can't smoke a real joint.

I gotcha.

What's wrong, John?

You have your own THCA brand or something?

I'm just so offended.

Why are you offended?

Talk into the microphone.

I'm offended.

What are you offended by?

The weed here in Texas is way better than the weed in fucking Midwest.

But we're not taught.

We agree.

We do have better weed, but it all comes from Oklahoma.

It's grown indoors.

And the THCA is what we're talking about.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Right.

You're offended by that, but not the colored people time.

This could be a good business.

This could be a good business.

You and Cam Patterson starting your own own weed company.

You can plant it.

He could pick it when the...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

Winnie!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Wait a minute!

Wow!

Wait, a marijuana picking minute!

Alright, we're gonna keep it moving along.

Amanda Mercedes, congratulations.

Here's a little joke book for you.

Here you go.

Amanda Mercedes, everybody.

And like that, we have done it.

You know, William Montgomery is in Disney World, everybody.

However, we do have a special treat for you.

One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Here to do a brand new minute.

You might know the lyrics of his theme song.

If you do, you can sing it along with us, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Hans Kim.

Hey,

I'm glad we could have a woman up here

so we could call her fat and ugly.

I think men are just better than women at certain things.

Okay,

sports, war, Ghostbusters, Oceans 11.

I'm glad that Trump won, because...

Yeah, because Asians love a good wall.

It'll be good to be on the north side of it for once.

Asians love walls.

We build them everywhere, even at the end of our runways for some reason.

That guy in New Orleans tried to run over as many people as possible.

He couldn't kill as many people as an Asian dude running into a wall.

I hope you guys weren't offended.

I wouldn't want your buttholes to pucker up,

end up looking like my eyes.

That's how you get constipated.

Can you imagine I'm doing a shit through these things?

And that's it.

Okay, Hans Cam.

That would be crazy having the shit through those eyes.

It's a tight squeeze.

How you doing, Hans?

I'm doing great.

Fun set.

Way to do it.

Thank you for having me.

Of course.

It's an honor to be here.

Indeed.

Indeed.

What's been going on with life, Hans?

Kim?

Let's talk about it.

I recently went to Zilker, enjoyed the last sunny day here yesterday.

Flew my drone around.

A dog bit my drone.

A dog bit your drone?

Yes.

What did you do to that dog?

Did you eat it right there on the spot?

You raw dogged it.

Old sushi dog.

Sushi dogger.

You do not divide on my drone error.

What exactly did you do?

I was just like, did that happen?

That was crazy.

You talked to the owner at all?

The owner of the dog?

I was like, it's a couple propellers.

I don't need to get it.

Did it ruin the propellers?

Yeah, I have replaced.

The propellers are the easiest thing to replace very replaceable amazing so no big deal you love flying your drone don't you oh do I oh my goodness an Asian man's delight

you can annoy so many people at once

wow incredible people hate drones incredible they love planes though I have a I have a RC plane that everyone loves that but the drone for some reason the drone Asian people love drones because there's no traffic to run into up there

It's very hard to hit something in the sky.

Amazing.

Cam, what do you think about all this?

I told Hans that my teeth were permanent in the green room, and he just said, I'm sorry.

And that was it.

That's all I wanted to say.

You ever think about getting a grill, Hans?

Never.

I have a bad gag reflex.

Fuck that.

What the?

That's in my goddamn throat, nigga.

It's on my teeth.

What are you talking about?

How bad is this gag reflex?

You look like oh my god, you're gagging right now thinking about it.

Is this real?

Oh my god, you're is this are you gagging?

Oh my god.

Is this real what's happening?

Oh my god.

This might be the greatest interview on kill Tony history.

No, no, no, no.

You're just thinking about what your gag reflex would do if you had a grill in and you're gagging right now.

Is that correct?

Yeah, I have a small mouth.

Oh my god.

His eyes are watering.

There's tiny amounts of liquid compiling in the corners.

Please teach me.

I need a husband.

How do you do that?

Oh God.

Oh my god.

He's now picturing a cock in his mouth gagging.

This is incredible.

How is it possible that Hans Kim has the greatest interviews in the history of the show?

We always find a way.

Exactly.

There's always like some new thing we didn't know.

There's water running down his eyes.

He's able to cry.

Ironically, after saying that shit can't come out of his eyes, he's crying for the first time in the show's history, picturing.

All Jasins are squirters.

I knew it.

Just imagining having a grill in your mouth is setting off your gag reflex.

Am I correct?

Yes.

Have you ever vomited from gagging hard?

Yes.

You have.

So are there other things?

things what's your like your worst nightmare what makes you gag the hardest can you tell us is there something like coming up here kind of like triggers me uh going up at the HEB arena triggered me you gagged yeah I was wiping away tears oh before I went up my god but is there anything else is there like a uh Is there like a nightmare situation for you where perhaps like maybe one of those ball gags like that you strap around your head?

Have you ever thought about having one of those in your mouth?

Have you ever pictured being kidnapped and

the perp puts an entire banana in your mouth at once?

Fully skinned banana.

Yeah, just like the tongue scraper.

Oh my god.

So what would happen?

What are you doing?

Found this in my belly button.

You think you want to...

Oh, no, that's not really how it works.

I don't think Lint out of Red Band's belly button would...

Oh, Red Band Sushi.

Oh.

Berry button sushi.

This is incredible.

Has there ever been a...

The front row is pointing at the tears rolling down Hans's face right now.

This is an incredible moment.

There are tears coming down both cheeks.

Just let them fall, Hans.

No more wiping.

Those tears belong to me now.

Has there ever been a time where your gag reflex has made you throw up in a public place?

Yeah, right up there.

What happened exactly, Robin?

I was just with my girlfriend vaping and

You know, I think there was some cigarette smoke and then I just like barfed into my water bottle

and I threw it away.

When was that?

About three weeks ago.

Wow.

Amazing.

Unbelievable.

Has there ever been a time where it was like in front of a lot of people?

At the Vulcan, I would gag a lot and the staff would know, oh, Hans is gagging again.

Oh my God.

How did I not know about this?

Did you know about this?

No idea.

This is incredible that we're finding finding out such an amazing fun fact, like the fact that I can make you.

Have you ever thought about like

a sight?

I swear to God, huh, I'm punching your reels to throw up on you.

Huh, don't throw up on me, man.

I swear to God, I love you.

Don't throw up on me.

I would never do that.

I know it's a big deal in your culture.

Nobody liked that.

That's not even.

That's just nasty in all races, I think.

Take in every race.

This is amazing.

I'm trying to think of fun things that we could do with this right now.

It's so hard to think about.

Like, what's another nightmare situation for you?

The dentist.

Oh, yeah.

The orthodontist.

Oh, yeah.

What part of it affects you the most?

Is it like someone touching your tongue or your back teeth or all of it?

The thought of it?

Is there an x-ray?

Where they show it.

Oh,

yeah.

Okay.

Absolutely incredible.

So you gag a lot at the dentist?

Yeah.

What do they...

Oh.

I can't tell you how much joy this brings me.

Can you name a time exactly?

Do the dentists do anything to help you with this?

No.

They make it worse.

Yeah, how do they make it worse?

By poking around in there, huh?

Yeah, Yeah, just hold it for 10 more seconds.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

You know what I'm gonna do right now?

I'm gonna give you the chance to win $100,000.

Here's what we're going to do: we're going to take both of the grills that these guys have had in their mouths throughout the night.

And if you can put them both in your mouth.

Gotta suck him.

Oh, yeah.

Hold that up to Hans's face real quick.

Let's see.

No, no, no, no, no.

We're not going to do that.

There goes Hans Kim, everybody.

We did it.

Another episode.

Whitney Cummings, tell these people

where they can find you, where your podcast is, everything.

WhitneyCummings.com.

You know, Google it.

She's on tour.

What's the podcast called again?

I've never been on it.

I know, because I don't want to ruin our friendship by asking you to come on my fucking podcast.

What is the called again?

Good for you, podcast.

Good for you, podcast.

Whitney Cummings, one of the best in the world.

Make some noise for Whitney, everybody.

Cam Patterson's on tour.

He doesn't.

Do you got a website yet?

Yeah, CamPatterson.com.

Campatterson.com.

Cam with the K.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Thank you to our audience, Red Band.

Check out SunsetStripatx.com.

Love you guys.

There you go.

We love you guys.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

Good night, everyone.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

Start your journey toward the perfect engagement ring with Yadav, family owned and operated since 1983.

We'll pair you with a dedicated expert for a personalized one-on-one experience.

You'll explore our curated selection of diamonds and gemstones while learning key characteristics to help you make a confident, informed decision.

Choose from our signature styles or opt for a fully custom design crafted around you.

Visit yadivejewelry.com and book your appointment today at our new Union Square showroom and mention podcast for an exclusive discount.