#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Brad Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hitchclap!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Make some noise for the Great Brian Redman

And the best damn band in the land. Am I right, people? You are in the live music capital of the world.
That is the Kiltoni band.

On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Ballejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande.

On the drums, that is Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez.

He is here.

Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

John Dee's on the keys

and that is indeed the one and only D madness on the bass guitar live in the flesh the real deal how about a hand for Max Frost on the pre-show music what a star God you gotta love Austin Texas you never know what musician or comedian you will find here this episode is brought to you by blue chew blue nile and prize picks and life is good before we start tonight's episode here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you right here right now

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Here's a quick podcast for all you true crime fans. The case of the missing Reese's.

It was me at the store with my mouth. Motive? Um, they're Reese's.
What was I going to do? Stop myself? Tune in next time to see if I do it again. Spoiler, I will.

Wow, that had everything.

Reeses, suspense, Reese's.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Every single week I book the show and what a great way to do it tonight. Two of the funniest human beings that have ever been guests on this show.
Literally, one of them is the guest with the record.

I do believe we have to double-check it, but I do believe he passed the late, great Brodie Stevens for appearances on this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your guests. Two of the best.
It's Louis J. Gomez and Joe Liz.

Yeah, baby.

Louis

J. Gomez

from the Legion of Skanks.

Joe Liz is here.

The birds are flying.

This is fun. What a perfect little duo.
Two great friends from the city of New York. A beautiful, beautiful place if you don't count illegal immigrants lighting innocent women on fire on subways.

But other than that, a stunning city that we visit two nights a year exclusively to do your biggest arena. And I'm glad you guys could make it to a city with law and order

you call this city a city with law and order are you out of your fucking mind the homeless people should light themselves on fire here

you clean up this shithole are you out of your mind

I've never been here and not run from a homeless person on this street well in their defense you do look like their perfect prey Joe Lest I mean I'm not even homeless and I want to chase you sometimes when I see you I really am last time I was sprinting away from two homeless people screaming at me, and as I was running away, two like hipsters in skinny jeans and pedoras were walking the opposite direction.

And it was the most humiliating experience of my life. That is

Austin, Texas. That was a Austin parade.
That's our annual parade. The homeless go one way, hipsters go the other way.
It's true chaos. You guys have done this show before.
You know how it works.

A lot of the open micers are out of town. A record for the least sign-ups we've had since being here at the mothership.

185 people are across the street stacked on top of one another in a bar called poor choices and if I pull their name out of this bucket they get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear

which brutally interrupts their set and then I conduct an interview we laugh about what could possibly have happened during their set or what else they could possibly talk about or what else is interesting in their lives my friend with the kill Tony hat, I'm going to let you do the honor of picking the first name.

The bucket of destiny has spoken. And that is indeed a legible written name.
And that person will be wrangled and they will be the first bucket pull of the night.

But while we wrangle that person, we're going to get a golden ticket winner up here who is fun to watch. And you know what I like about this guy?

This isn't one of our, this isn't one of our big blast out superstars. What I like about this guy is that the plan is to hopefully watch him grow in real time over a long period of time on this show.

He has had gone through traumatic brain injury, ladies and gentlemen. He has the record for most appearances on one episode of a show.

This is a brand new minute from the one and only Drew Nickens.

Me and my boys like to watch special Olympic highlights to feel better about ourselves.

And we were watching women's field hockey because feminism

when he came in and he said, would you hit that? And I said, I can't.

And it's because if you have sex with a special needs girl, sir, you will be looked at as a predator, as someone who's taking advantage of someone, and you need to do better.

If I have sex with a special needs girl,

oh, Drew finally fell love

and I deserve to be canceled because I drive a car and I pay my bills. I shouldn't be on a date with someone who needs a chaperone.

And my boy said, Drew, you're terrible with women. You're like a shitty bowler.

You need to use the fucking bumpers because you may not be cool using bumpers, but at least you hit something

I am one grilled cheese sandwich combo and a wiggle complation wiggles concert away from getting the best Loppy Toppy of my life thank y'all so much

Drew Nickens

I don't know if I mentioned this before his set, but he suffered from a traumatic brain injury before.

How you doing, Drew? I'm great. How are you, Mr.
Tony? Hell yeah. You got a lot of energy.

How did that feel for you? It felt okay. It felt a little tongue-tied at the end, but I'm getting my pacing down.

I'm not just yelling, Reddit. That's true.
Oh, talking directly. Someone's been reading.

Reading the internet. Not good, Drew.
No, my mom told me that. She's like, you need to stop yelling.
Reddit is hammering you. Oh, your mom reads Reddit?

Your mom told you that the internet is hammering you? Yes. That is hilarious.
Where's mom at? She's in Washington. Washington State.
Yep, absolutely. What does she do?

She is an elementary school teacher. Wow.

Oh my goodness. Has she always done that? Yeah, yeah, for about 20 years now.
She's almost ready to retire. Okay.
So what level is she teaching exactly? So she fluctuates.

She'll go from third grade to fifth grade. She'll loop, which means stays with the same students for two years.
Like, it just depends. Right, right, right, right, right.
And what level are you at?

Level enough to fuck your mom. Whoa, what the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that?

These people, you can't try. All I do is help this fucking guy.

All I do is help him. My mom told me that you suck too on the internet.
And meanwhile, what do I do? I go, Drew, you got another minute? Let's try. Take your time.
Enunciate. Fucking pace yourself.

And then you come out and you say, oh, fuck your mom, don't I?

This kind of fucking bullshit is everyone just take the knives out of my back.

I can read between the lines and your mom's legs. What the fuck is going on?

What is going on? Are you threatening to fuck my 78-year-old mother? Joy is going to be upset with you. Yeah, Joy liked you before before this, Drew.

We can go to. There's

one more person posting on Reddit after this.

It's a 78-year-old out of Youngstown, Ohio. Guys, what do you think about Drew Nickens?

I'm not asking you.

Are you guys insane? No. Lewis J.

I think Drew is the sweetest fucking man on earth. He's naturally a very funny guy.

He has a speech impediment and might be retarded. but beyond that, I think he's fucking truly great.
I really like you, Drew. You know that.
Thank you.

Jesus.

Joe. This is my first time meeting or seeing Drew.
At first, I thought you had a traumatic injury of the funny bone, but then

you hit us with the fuck your mother stuff. And now I'm like, okay, all right, now I can get on board.
But no, it was good. Now you say you're watching the Special Olympics.

Are you sure the TV wasn't off and you're just looking at your reflection and the black screen?

There were females there.

There you go. All right, Drew.
Well, way to get it started. You did it.

We'll see you some other time. There goes Drew Nickin.

There goes Drew.

Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew.

Whoa, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness.

Drew scared her out of her slumber there.

Don't want to be backstage with Drew. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Okay, let the games begin, ladies and gentlemen. This is the bread and butter of the show where we meet people.
They have no idea.

These people had no idea that they were even going on stage just minutes ago. And now, the pressure of millions of people watching them is upon them.

One minute uninterrupted, and then an interview going to your first bucket pool that goes by the name of Ike Gazarian, everybody. Ike Gazarian.

I was born in the Soviet Union.

My family moved to the United States from Russia in 1998. And out of all the cities in the US, my homophobic father picked San Francisco.

There are only three types of people that live in San Francisco. It's gays, Asians, and gay Asians.

My family moved here in 98, but in 2010 I moved back to Russia to do stand-up comedy there.

Moving from the United States to Russia to do comedy is a lot like moving from Canada to Afghanistan to play hockey.

It's a fucking terrible idea.

But I gotta tell you, Russian comics are as tough as Russian soldiers. They prefer bombing.

American comedy and Russian comedy are very different, but we do have one thing in common: no one likes female comics.

thank you guys so much my name is ai gazarian ai gazarian welcome welcome welcome thank you for having me guys how we feeling welcome to america how are you

how

long have you been here since 1998 okay but i keep keep going back and forth to russia a lot for comedy for

why'd you say for comedy like that i was suspicious

you go there specifically to do comedy to help russia fight ukraine yeah that's what it felt like i voted for Trump I have a reason

you did vote for Trump fuck yeah that is so interesting I love it okay

are we letting them vote

I guess so I'm from California I voted twice the same day

absolutely

thank you guys How old are you, Ike? I'm 41. 41.
How long have you been doing stand-up?

Started doing Russian comedy in 2010, moved back in 13.

I own a Russian restaurant in San Diego.

Business is not doing very well after the war started.

Fucking Americans stopped coming.

What do you serve? Like pierogies and stuff?

Yeah, pierogies, borscht. You guys come over to Pushkin.
I'll take care of you. Got an applause break for pierogies from Brian Redband.

Nobody loves dough filled with shit more than dough filled with shit.

Unbelievable.

Incredible. So, what's the name of of your Russian restaurant in San Diego? It's called Pushkin.
Pushkin.

Almost like Putin, but...

Yeah, it's close. It's close.

What else is going on there? You got like hot Russian waitresses or anything?

My wife hires all the most beautiful girls to work there. It's really tough.

It's tough to work with somebody.

Hell yeah. A business not doing so well after the war, and my Ukrainian employees hung a huge Ukrainian flag on the window, and the Russians stopped coming also.

I need some more customers, god damn it.

Is it a hookah bar also? Like a restaurant? Yeah, hookah bar allows you. That's a problem.

I had to make it into a hookah bar because people stopped coming.

I think Russian hookah bar is fair because smoking is also bad for your health, just like Russia.

I'm starting to think that he's not a comic and he's just trying to advertise this restaurant. Yeah, I think so.
Come to Pushkin, please. Come to Pushkin.

It's got great reviews. Wow, it really does.
You're sitting at a 4.3 with 1,109 reviews. Nine years,

find me one of the one-star reviews. There's a lot of five-stars, but I like to read the one-stars.
Yeah, they're young. That's what I'm going to strategically go for.

The worst customer service, very rude workers, not a welcoming environment, would not recommend. We're Russia.
And then Ike.

And then Ike G responded. I'm sorry, but your review is a lie.

Fuck it, holy death.

You were smoking the same hookah for three hours. There was nothing left in it.
My hookah chef asked you if you'd like a refill, you refused.

You know, coals can't save a hookah that's been smoked for hours. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah work.

You can't smoke ashes.

Wow.

This is incredible. Let's read another review of Pushkin.
Please, let's do it.

Came here to smoke hookah. Worst customer service from the hookah server.
Not friendly at all.

He stated they have a rule that we have to change the hookah and make a refill after one hour because they have this rule and it's not true. He would not change the charcoal for us.

And when he did, he only added one charcoal. I would not recommend anyone to come here.
You feel very unwelcome. I will never come back again.
Ike G responded.

I'm sorry, but your review is live.

Holy man!

Holy shit. You were smoking same hookah for three hours.
There was nothing left in it. My hookah chef asked if you'd like a refill.
You refused. You know, Kohl's can't save a hookah.
That's

complicated.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah works.

You can't smoke ashes.

I swear to God.

I'm not kidding, by the way. It would be funny for me to just read the same response.
I swear to God, you could check these reviews. Hold on, don't...
Don't scroll. Let me just...

Do one good review or something. I'm losing customers here, man.

Okay, one-year review. One year ago.
I and husband's experience here was absolutely awful with two exclamation points.

We came to this place looking at their Yelp reviews as we were in San Diego for celebrating our anniversary. The pictures and the reviews are all so deceiving.

I wonder how they got all these nice reviews. Let's start with the ambiance.
Nothing looks like the pictures. We got such a negative energy from the moment we met the people at the entrance.

They were not welcoming at all. Still, we went in because again, the Yelp reviews looked so good.
Went upstairs and got seated. The entire time we were there, it literally felt like people

were here for a different reason.

You know what I mean? Felt super uncomfortable. The vibe was absolutely dead, and the music selection is awful.
Still, out of court courtesy, we ordered two drinks and wanted a water with it.

Well, guess what? You have to buy your water. Yeah, it's California.
IG responded:

Everything you wrote here is a lie

including prices for water managers do not yell this looks like an ad for werewolf

you wrote that fuck yeah

fuck werewolf

I love that you respond

I love that you respond.

I'm going to read just a couple more of these reviews.

Even though it looks like I could go, don't stop scrolling.

I could do this all night. We could just keep you up here.
This could be

Ike Gazarian's episode.

Here's the review.

Small place, small portion, very expensive. Not recommend this place.
Hookah smoke confuses appetite.

My friends. Did you write your own review? G G

responded.

3,200 square feet of small place.

Large portion. Hookah confuses at hookah lounge?

Very interesting.

Oh, this is the greatest shit ever in the history of the show. I think we just found a new spin-off where we just have business owners come on and we read their.

This is a complete lie, by the way, everybody.

Oh, it is not.

Pushkin is spelled P-U-S-H-K-I-N, lounge and bar in San Diego. Oh, and we know.
I mean, we read your Yelp is thousands of reviews of strong,

almost a super solid five. It was very hard to find the ones.
There's very few ones. And your responses are unbelievable.
Thank you, Mr. Tony.

So, one last one.

Seven months ago, one star. The Hookah server is horrible.
No manners and no customer service. He is rude and asked us to change the hookah head after one hour of smoking or he won't bring charcoal.

He said it's a rule here. But after speaking with the other server, he denied what he said.
It feels

wow. It feels that...
Oh, it feels that he is forced to work there. I will never go back to that place.

His whole captive, they're Russians, they're used to that shit. Ike G responded.

I'm sorry, you and your friend felt the need to leave two reviews. You were smoking the same hookah for three hours.
There was nothing left in it. My hookah chef asked if you like refill, you refuse.

You know, coals can't save a hookah that's been smoked for hours. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah work.

You can't smoke ashes.

You can't smoke ashes!

Wow.

Wow. I mean, so interesting.
A wildly wildly successful restaurant, it seems.

It was, yes.

I do stand-up comedy, you know.

And you lit the stage on fire. Thank you, sir.
To the point to where we might need to change the charcoals, but

being told we're not allowed for another hour.

And unfortunately, we can't smoke ashes.

Do you ever smoke Ukrainian ashes?

Only before I go to sleep.

I love it. Ike, what else do you do for fun? What else about you? You seem like a naturally very funny guy.
I love writing a lot. Is this your wife? Yes.
Wow, she's... Right here on my t-shirt.

Oh, my God. Look at you represent.

Hell yeah. She doesn't want you getting any pussy.
Look at that. Baby, wear a hoodie with my face on it.

That's how I get the pussy, by the way.

Oh, okay, no, no, no, honey, of course not.

Oh, hell yeah. You got 99 problems, but a Borsch ain't one.

I love it. I tour doing Russian comedy, American comedy.

I own the restaurant, and I just try to do as many mics, as many shows as possibly can. And I do fucking well.
I mean,

and I'm lucky to be here. Thank you so much for this opportunity.
This is amazing. No doubt about it, Ike.
And I'll tell you, you're getting a big joke, book.

Congratulations.

You did it.

There's nothing in it. You have to write in it.
I don't know what you're looking for. It's blank pages.
It's for you to write jokes in. I appreciate that, Tony.

Did you think there was Yelp reviews in there? I thought I had to write my name in it or something.

Ike, you did it. That's what the show's all about.
Different people, different shapes, and sizes, and accents, and everything. And you were very fun.
Congratulations and thank you.

Ike Gazarian, everybody. Thank you guys so

Pushkin, go to Pushkin in San Diego. Show your support.

Eat pierogi, smoke hookah. Don't stay too long

or else it'll burn out.

All right, y'all. Gather around because Monet Exchange from Sibling Rivalry is here with an announcement.
This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini.

Now, listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, U.S.
college students get Google Gemini's Pro Plan free for one year.

Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding.

So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help.

And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it.

Monet exchanged in the library, uploading a picture of my music theory homework, like Gemini, please help Adiva out or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying in the practice room for three hours this would have been life-changing now back to the goods sign up to get more access to Google's most accurate model Gemini 3 Pro unlimited image uploads pro level image editing higher limits in notebook LM Gemini in Gmail and docs two terabytes of storage and more you heard me two terabytes that's enough space to store every vocal warm-up drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plants.

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All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name One Minute Uninterrupted for Matt Banwart.

Matt Banwart.

I, uh,

I, uh, I have hand tremors.

It's a medical condition. For me, every weight's a shake weight.

I want to go to California, experience an earthquake just so I can be steady, you know?

Everyone's like, what's happening? I'm like, I don't know. Sudden clarity?

This sucks, dude. I can't go blind.
I'd read bro with a stutter, you know?

I would love to be deaf, man. I'd be the first guy doing sign language in a serif font, you know? Just.

Can you imagine getting bullied by the ASL community for your accent?

I don't want that. I don't want to.

It sucks, dude. I shake all the time.
It's been really bad the last three years. I used to love soup.
I used to love chili. Now I just,

yeah, now I just look chilly, you know?

Thank you.

Yeah, man, I don't know. I hate shaking, but my ex loved it.

Thank you, guys. That's my time.
Matt Banwart.

Am I saying that right? Banwart?

You're nailing it, dude. Absolutely.
I was wondering, because you kind of had bad handwriting.

And now I see why. It makes perfect sense.

It's like a third grader with palsy. It's bad.
Yeah.

You've always had that?

I noticed it like junior year in high school, and it's just gotten kind of worse the last three years. It's gotten pretty bad.

Maybe you you should stop doing really nerve-wracking activities like before

in front of large groups of people. You know, I think that's a contributing factor.
I think that is a part of it. Yeah, I shake all the time.
It's rough. Soup, sushi, my big two enemies.

Yeah, hard to operate chopsticks. That's what you're saying.
I just got sushi the other day. I was doing them with both hands, and

just getting bullied by the staff was embarrassing. Yeah.
I was like, give me a fork. I don't care.
Right. And what did they say? I couldn't understand them.

You disrespect us.

You know, you chopped it right.

I was just thrilled to be there. All right.
Were you on a date or something? No, I was. I was out with my friends.
Right. Yeah, I don't know.
Okay. My love life's not exciting.
Really?

A little bit.

I don't know.

Huh, interesting. All right, Edward vibrator hands.

I thought it would be good. I thought you'd be like Michael J.
Fox or something. You know what I mean? No,

I got a quick I was seeing this girl. We went on like four or five dates.
We weren't exclusive yet. She was like, you should come see me at this bar.
She texted me.

I was like, I'll be there in five minutes. She goes, all right, see you soon.
I walk in and she's like making out with another guy. And I was like, oh, that's okay.
I'm fine. And

I live. I took a photo of it and I sent it to her.
And I was like, well, I think you're good. And she goes, that wasn't me.
And I was like, you have a cast on.

And you sent me your outfit before you went out.

That would be crazy if it wasn't you. Was it a clear picture or was it all shaky?

You make a great point.

I'd imagine you're one of the worst photographers in the history of human civilization. What else?

Lewis. We should have him go fight the Ukrainians in Russia.

You never know when I'm going to throw one, you know? It's kind of. Oh, hell yeah.
All right. Swing and a miss.
Yeah, absolutely.

So what else do you do?

I just stand-up comedy. That's what you do for a living? It is, yeah.
Okay. How long have you been doing it? Today is actually my nine-year anniversary.
Today is my nine years today.

Where have you been doing it at for nine years?

The first four were in Iowa. My first open mic was in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and then Chicago for like four years and here for the last year.
Okay. When you were in Chicago, did you ever visit the Bean?

Tony, how could I not know about the Bean?

Oh, yeah. Okay.
This haunts you. It's unbelievable.

Tony, it's a phenomenal landmark, dude. Huge fan of the bean.

Okey-dokie.

All right there, shaky hands, Jenkins. Let's just keep this interview going.

What did you do for work before being able to depend completely on stand-up comedy? Yeah, I did a

martinis at a bar or something like that?

Spoiler alert, not stirred.

No,

I briefly did digital marketing. I did digital marketing.
You did that on a keyboard with a computer? It goes XR, XR, T T T T T L L L L L. Fuck.
This job fucking sucks.

I use voice to text to text people, and it fucking sucks. I can't swear.
It's just four. It's like, I'll be like, fuck, and it's just four.
Star, star, star, star, star. Yeah.

I just swear, like, a third grader on the phone, it's bad. Right.
Are you ducking serious?

Red band.

Okay.

Okay.

Is your favorite band the Alabama Shakes?

No, Shaky Graves.

There you go. All right.
Have you considered being a hands-in-the-pocket comedian? No.

Well, what would he have to possibly talk about if he did that?

I've got more.

I can talk about other stuff. No, I know.
I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding around. How about hobbies? What do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

Oh, man. Well, I'm a wicked good sprinter.

Really? Yeah, dude. I'll race anyway.
My 40-meter dash is like unparalleled. What is it?

Whatever you want it to be.

No.

I don't think that's how it works.

I think I ran a 4-3.

Oh, really? No, that's a lie.

If I ran a 4-3, I'd be at the NFL right now. I would not be doing this.
That's a weird thing to lie about.

You said you're really great at something. I'm a good sprinter.
I've never tied my 40. It's glorious that you think you can just be fast and be in the NFL.
Yeah.

Yeah.

We have this super fast kicker that can't kick.

But it is a good thing to have when you're being chased by homeless people in awesome texas uh so matt other than sprinting do you have any other hobbies or anything else that you do other than stand-up comedy i uh i i collect uh uh football cards of uh i'm a huge iowa state sports fan there's not a lot of us and yeah i collect uh hakeem butler rookie cards he's uh he's my favorite player in the league and um he's not in the league uh yeah he got drafted but never played so i collect all of his rookie cards because they don't cost anything.

He's the only guy I can afford.

I'm his biggest fan.

All right, Matt, Red Band. Does silencing your phone work?

What do you mean by that? I mean, like, if he silences phone,

does he feel it? If I put it on vibrate, it just balances out. Right.
Oh. Yeah, that's a reach.
Don't know why I checked in with you there.

Jesus.

okay Matt I feel like there's probably something more interesting about your life what are your any siblings that have this shaky disorder your family is it genetic what do doctors actually say to you have you gotten it checked out yeah I've gone got MRIs gotten I've had medication for it doesn't really work I mean it kind of what kind of medication did they give you it's uh it's propaninol I don't know that's the stuff it's uh doesn't really do anything though it just kind of makes me tired it's like a beta blocker so it just makes me not feel happy.

Yeah, kind of a downer, isn't it?

Yeah.

Alcohol help?

That's Red Band's answer to everything. Does alcohol help?

I wished it does not. I drink a lot.
It might actually be a contributing factor. That makes sense.
Yeah, you might just really need a drink.

Do you have one? I'd love one.

All right. Well,

I'm going to have to go buy one after this.

Matt, I like your style. you're getting a big joke book thank you man if you catch it that is

the moment of truth wow amazing matt banwort ladies and gentlemen wow

First shaky hands comedian that wasn't made a golden ticket winner in the history of the show.

All right, your next bucket full goes by the name of Jeffree Lee, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted.
Make some noise for Jeffree Lee, everyone.

Yeah, I'm

doing van life, ladies and gentlemen, and it's going pretty good. But one downside is

sometimes you get woken up by the police.

And that's unfortunate, you know. And it went kind of like this:

knock, knock,

who's there?

It's the police.

It's the police who?

What are ya, homeless?

Ty wakes me up.

Well, you had to knock, didn't ya?

That's my one defense in not being homeless, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm a high-functioning homeless.

Got a gym membership? I mean, what do you want from me, people?

All right.

Okay,

Jeffree Lee.

Homeless with a gym membership, living in a van. That's pretty much everybody's interview.
Oh. Not usually their minute.

You just stated a bunch of obvious facts that we already knew. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, one time.
Yeah.

I remember you. Oh, dear.
Oh, Dee's leaving. He's seen enough.

Dude, you made D leave. Yeah.

Okay.

So,

Joe List, what do you think about this guy? Well, you ended your set with what do you want from me? And I think I speak for everyone with, and I say, a punchline.

Yeah, you're really... Have you been doing stand-up? Yeah.

Where?

Well, I'm actually a little rusty I've only been hitting a couple mics here and there sparingly I started a new job but uh what's the new job I'm doing a door guy thing so I'm just making the adjustment what's door guy where where are you a door guy on 6th street here yeah it's a bar okay I'm just you know letting people in right and with all of that charisma

yeah sorry sorry you're a bouncer

huh you're a bouncer um I don't really have to do that part I work day shift on

You work day shift at a bar on purpose and you still aren't doing stand-up at night? I'm doing a little bit, but not not enough. Yeah, you're definitely definitely not doing enough.

Yeah, yeah, is this like a heaven-themed bar where they have like a Jesus guy out front? It's like come in, my child.

Homeless Jesus says you may enter.

Uh, no, it's just a regular old hole-in-the-wall bar, you know. Right.
All right. Most interesting thing that has happened to you living this life of bars during the day, Jeffree Lee.

You must have seen something crazy or interesting or funny, perhaps, at all.

Live on a comedy show. I'm sorry, dude.
It's just very mundane.

It's just the same homeless people over and over again.

And that gets a little depressing, to be honest.

I wish I weren't brought up working. Having a job sucks.
Okay.

You're really bumming me out, dude. I know.
I'm so sorry. I mean, Jesus Christ, I have to say it.

You ever get a girl back to your van?

In Austin? No.

Where were you before Austin?

Well, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin a little bit, which... Were things going better for you there?

I got a warrant there.

Now we're talking

Who would guess a guy look like that being persecuted

Unbelievable It's just for some cannabis, you know what I'm saying? No, we know

We know you're stating a lot of obvious things You had a warrant for a burning bush

All right, well Jeffrey Here's a little joke book, dude. Wait, you probably got one last time, right? I got a big jokebook last time.
no way how the fuck did that happen

i mean i can be pretty funny what was the joke that you did last time you were on do it again just do it with confidence look out there to the crowd and do it for the love of god jeffrey fucking do something you've done nothing it's been four minutes and 45 seconds of well this guy looks like fucking jesus a little bit Just fucking do it, Jeffrey, for the love of goddamn God.

Your father.

For the love of your father.

Well, folks, to get a little personal,

I suffer from extreme ED.

European depiction.

Is that it? Are you waiting? Are you like pausing? Are you thinking? Are you writing writing it right now? What is happening?

What did you do before this?

You see, you gotta give him a little time, Tony. Oh, didn't mean to break up your brilliant comedic pacing.

I'm watching people put guns in their mouths in the crowd. Little did we know the punchline is right around the corner.
How silly of me to think that you ran out of gas there.

I was pulling something out. Here we go.
Are you still batting?

No, no. Okay, there he goes, everybody.
jeffree lee jesus christ

all right

here put that mic stand back on the x the thank you there he goes jeffree lee

there he goes oh jesus christ almighty

oh i have no idea i must have been in a hell of a good mood that night

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All right, your next bucket pull has been on this show numerous times before.

This is the return of Ally Musa, everybody. Allie Musa is back.

Hell yeah.

So I love downtown Austin, you guys. It's amazing.
I see the most wild shit. Like the other week, I saw a homeless boy band, you guys.

I'm serious. No, it was a group of homeless dudes all singing a song together like a boy band, like really fucking well.
So I walked up to him and I was like, holy shit, it's the Fenton all five.

Kick ass.

Then one of them corrected me. He was like, actually, we're the crack street boys.
I was like, fair enough.

And he started heating up a spoon to exactly 98 degrees. I was like, what the fuck?

Then I got flashed by the same homeless lady three times in the same night. At first, it was funny, but by the third time, I was pissed off because we locked eyes and she just starts laughing at me.

And she kind of sounded like Beavis. She's like, yeah, yeah, got him again.

Something about her laugh just triggered me. So I saw a cop and I waved him over and I was like, excuse me, officer.
You see that lady right there? She won't stop flashing me.

And I swear to God, you guys, he just looks at me and goes, yeah,

that's Denise. And then he walked away.

All right. Thank you.
Allie Musa. Solid set.
Laughs the whole way through.

Almost made us completely forget about Jeffree Lee, who was just up here minutes ago. It's incredible.
We went from Jesus to the devil that fast. Here he is, everybody.
100%.

The dark lord Lucifer has arrived.

Speaking of darkness, D-Madness is back.

All right on, Q.

You are what you see.

Pure darkness. The great Deep Madness.
Allie, that was a great set,

especially for what we've seen before, I feel like, right? Feel like that was your best set? Yeah, it was one of the best sets. This is like the sixth time on.
You've been working hard?

Yeah, I get up almost every night. You look like it.
Yeah.

You look like you're exhausted. You're a very funny-looking guy.
You're aware of this. Yeah.

Incredible.

How's life been going it's been good interesting you know just trying to work my way up the ranks of austin comedy is definitely tell us what's boring tell us what that's like give us an example for the people watching at home i mean you know how many years you've been doing it 13 years and how many years here in austin three years right so go ahead i mean there's stage time everywhere you can go to any open mic you know uh

trying to i've done the mothership mic numerous times you know sunset strip i do all the time red bands club is amazing. I do that punchline at the poll show all the time.

I probably get on stage eight to 12 times a week, travel back to Arizona, headline some bars, and here we are. And that's where you're from, Arizona.
I'm from Arizona, yeah. Absolutely.
Yep.

And your ethnicity, remind us again exactly what you have to have running through your veins to have a face like that. Yeah.

Libyan. Ah,

yeah. Libyan.
Cue the Qaddafi jokes, the back to the future terrorists, all that good shit. We've already done all that.
This is your sixth time on the show.

So, what's changed in your life recently, Ali?

Anything different since the last time you were on?

No, I just literally, I'm boring as shit. I do stand-up every single day just trying to make it in this business.
That's about it, you know? Yeah,

I know you wish I had some wild story, but what time do you wake up? Like 10 or 11. And what do you do when you first wake up? I do Uber Eats delivery.
Okay. Yeah.
All right. So that's all.

All I do is stand stand up and Uber Eats and barely get by. Yeah.

You know, but you love it. I do love it.
Yeah. You're very happy.

I don't know about that, but

let's take it easy there, Lewis. I feel like the issue today is that everyone here is so unlikable and their families didn't want them home for the holidays.
That's what's happening.

So everyone back there is just some fucking boring fucking asshole. We're like, all right, dude.
Another person we don't want to spend time with.

Yeah.

I feel like your family doesn't celebrate christmas though more like 9-11 am i correct 100

well i'm actually half white so i was raised muslim because of my father so we would secretly celebrate christmas how would you do it in secret like my dad would like hide the christmas tree when the muslim family would come over

they could only sing silent night

yeah

wow Yeah,

so it was interesting. All right.
What's your love life like, Ali Musa? I was seeing a girl for a while, but she lived all the way in Big Spring, so it was too far of a commute to do all the time.

Okay. I met her at a comedy show.
I headlined a Mexican restaurant where I bombed, and she was the only person enjoying it in the crowd, so we connected that way, and then here we are.

So tell us about that night. You bomb in a Mexican restaurant.
She's laughing the whole time. How do you get to say hello to her? Do you go right up to her and go, Jesus, thank you for laughing?

Yeah, well, I was like doing the crowd work shit just talking to her the whole time like fuck everyone else it's just me and you here and then we oh exchanged numbers started talking started hanging out she's come to austin a few times i've gone no wonder you bombed you did a date yeah on stage yeah incredible 100 i said fuck the show let's just let's do this what's your living situation being an uber eats delivery driver and stuff i'm proud to say i actually live by myself which is shocking for comedians yeah they all have 17 roommates um i live in a real fucked up apartment complex we talked about that before.

Yeah. Where I've almost been shot by the police there.
It's almost burnt down twice. That makes sense.
Yeah, it's pretty wild. All right.
Well, Allie, you've been on the show numerous times.

You know what? I'd love to have you back at the secret show. Oh, hell yeah.
There you go. Much like Christmas when you're on a secret show.

There goes Allie Musa, everybody.

Let's get some new names out here. Let's see what happens here.
Maybe. I don't know if this is new or not.
Make some noise. A minute uninterrupted for Anthony Walton, everybody.

Anthony Walton.

We've seen Anthony.

Howdy.

I don't have any kids, so to make sure that happens, I like to practice extra safe sex. That's when I pull out and come in a dude.

That was just a joke.

To any gays in the audience, sorry for the stolen valor.

My parents had me at an old age where the doctor told my mom that she should get an abortion because I was going to come out blind, deaf, and retarded. His words.

Instead, I came out half blind, half deaf, and I'm pretty sure I'm autistic.

I can't afford the test, so I'm taking everyone else's word for it.

Hell yeah. I got called out recently by my cousin.
He was like, man, you cry harder over celebrity deaths than you do for grandma. And I was like, well, did grandma put out seven platinum albums?

I don't think so. Grandma just called me gay.

Anthony Walton, been on the show before?

It seemed like a good set for you. Yeah, it was pretty fun.
It was great. Yeah.
How long have you been on stand-up? Seven years. Wow.
And thanks to you, man. Why? Thanks to me.

You were the first headliner I saw at like

2019 at Dallas Hyenas. Yep.
And you gave me like the the best advice when I asked, like, I wanted to start stand-up comedy. And they're just like, just go out and do a mic.
Just go do it.

And that's the advice I give everyone else who does it. Wow.
Look at you. It's been a fucking show.
One of the funniest Mexican chipmunks I've ever seen.

Joe List. Well, now I'm mad at Tony from getting this guy into stand-up.

Yeah. Just kidding.
It's what I do.

It happens. It happens.
I tell everybody the same thing. Go do it.
It's pretty easy. The fact that open mics are free is an unbelievable blessing that no other industry has.
Lewis J. Gomez.

He said, go do an open. That's not

good advice. That's just like, get out of my face.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was like, do you do an open mic right now?

You're annoying me. Stop talking to me.
Yeah. No, you smoked me and my friends out, and that was like, cool.
I did. I was so nice in 2019.
You remember those days? I was like a real human being.

Okay.

That's fun. Oh, yeah.
Near the staircase there at the hyenas. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
I used to do that. There's really nowhere else to go.

They don't have an actual green room at that hyenas or else

they never would have met me. Yeah.

One of the only comedy clubs in the country without a green room. They have one now, I was informed.

I don't know. They built one.

But yeah, the owner told me

when I was at a theater in Dallas just a few months ago. Tony, did you have a stroke?

What was that? No, I blanked out and I forgot Randy's name. Randy is the owner of the hyenas in Dallas.
So do you still live in Dallas or do you live here? No, I moved down here in May.

What do you love about Austin, Texas? The fucking comedy scene, man. It's fucking beautiful.
I love it. What's something crazy that's happened to you here in Austin?

It's a wild town. It's very alive.
Doing this, doing the open mic in the small room, but like

the homeless are pretty crazy out here, too.

That's just at a later. There seems to be a theme here tonight where I'm asking people what's crazy about their lives.
They go, just doing comedy, and there's homeless people.

Well, she's like, a lady thing.

Is there anything else other than tonight? Like what you saw outside, homeless, and comedy inside?

No, some lady taking a shit in the street, but that's normal.

Pretty much the same thing.

All right.

Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, what do you do for fun?

Oh, man, I love going to like concerts and like wrestling shows. Okay.
You've done that recently here?

Yeah, there was like a metal show I went called like Animals as Leaders.

Oh Michael, you know about animals as big Mike knows about animals as leaders.

Big Mike as of last week is his new name.

All right.

You ever do any music yourself?

Ah man, I try to like, I play decent guitar and I try to do like metal vocals. Like I wanted to be a vocalist.
You do? Well great. Let's play some metal music.
Let's hear some vocals. Anthony Walton.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Live from the comedy mothership.

Just this, kill Delby.

I swear to God, if this show doesn't pick up, I'm gonna bring Ike Gazarian back here. We're gonna read Yelp reviews for the rest of the fucking night.
There he goes.

Did you get a big joke book before?

Never before?

There you go, buddy. Congratulations.
There he goes. Anthony Walton.

I'm barely kidding, by the way. I swear to God, two more bad comedians in a row.
Go track down Ike Gazarian. Have him on deck.

Your next Bucket Bull goes by the name of Davey Jackson.

What's up, y'all? It's good to be here looking like a disgraced youth pastor. I'm happy to be here.
I just got back from Atlanta, y'all. Weird place.
A lot of black people.

Yeah, I did find out that all the black men in Atlanta are gay, which was weird.

Yeah, but also all the white people are on drugs in Atlanta. So it's like this weird racist freaky Friday.
Like what the fuck did Tyler Perry do to that town is what I want to know.

But all those gay black dudes are still gangster. They're gangsters.
Fuck, boy. They stole my car and my heart in Atlanta.
They fucking...

They got me. Yeah.

A lot of people say once you go black, you never go back.

All right.

I like Mexican women yeah yeah I like to say once you go Mexican you never rest again

because you have to sleep with one eye open because they will stab you they'll do that

once you go Latina you're gonna get a subpoena you will end up in court that's just kind of how that works I'm Davey Jackson thank y'all

Davey Jackson good set great stuff We know for a fact from your appearances on this show before that you indeed have been stabbed by a Mexican woman. I have, yeah.
I've also gone black before.

Yeah. How did that go for you? I got gonorrhea, so that was pretty fucking cool.
Wow.

Was that her name? Or

you ever hook up with good old Chlamydia Jenkins? There we go. I believe she plays for one of the WNBA teams.

That's a man, baby. There you go.
Davey Jackson. Welcome back to the show.
What's been going on?

So much. I actually just met Kyle Rittenhouse.
Okay. That was pretty cool.
Yeah. Actually, a really sweet guy.
Yeah. Damn right.
Such a nice dude.

Where'd you meet him at? I met him at a party. I was talking about having a breeding.
Was it a Republican party?

Yeah.

A lot of guns and skateboards involved. Pretty fucking cool.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
That seems safe. Yep.

I mean,

there's less safe ways to meet Kyle Rittenhouse from what I've heard.

Yeah. Yeah, you fuck with his town.

That's right.

Yeah, it was pretty cool, though. He apparently also has a breeding kink, so that was fun.
We just talked about coming in, ladies, so that was... Really? Yeah, it was cool.
Yeah. He was a nice guy.

Tell us more about that.

How does a conversation like that start and go down?

I was really just talking to some buddies about how I was worried that I have a breeding kink, and I heard a young voice behind me go, me too. Yeah.

And Kyle Rittenhouse walked around my left side, and I was like, oh, fuck. And

he had a little golden retriever with him. He did, actually.
Yeah. No, he has a very skinny golden retriever.
He's friends with David Lucas. Oh, yeah.

That makes sense, actually, for David. Yeah.
Yeah.

That tracks. Checks out.
Yeah, he does love hanging around white bitches.

Oh, not my boy, Kyle. No, no, he's all right.
He's okay. Yeah.
Rogan did make fun of his dog in the green room one night

why was it so skinny because because as Rogan called out he goes uh he goes you got it he goes you got your dog neutered huh and he's like yeah he goes I can tell

which is by the way if you're wondering from me a roaster or whatever right that is just one of the coldest disses that I've ever seen a human land on another human. Just I can tell.

Your dog's a pussy.

It really kind of is. Like, it's a

kind of like an underdeveloped golden retriever. Very skinny.
It looks very, very anemic. Leave him alone, dude.
Yeah, it's a sad dog.

You would think if someone was going to put him down, it would be Kyle Richard. Jesus.

But obviously, he loves to execute the golden retriever.

Art, art, art, art.

Incredible.

He just put a little.

There it is. Actually,

Joe Liz doesn't know me, but I'm actually familiar with Joe. Okay.

Yeah,

you and Mark Norman talked about me on your podcast one time. Really? Yeah, yeah.
In what capacity? Well,

Mark secured some Xanax one time. Oh, nice.
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

That also tracks. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, y'all talked about it on Tuesdays with stories.

Did I say anything bad? You look mad at me.

No, I'm not mad. All right.
I don't really know you.

I'm just going to... Kyle, come out here real quick.
No.

Huh? No, no.

No, you rightfully called me a piece of shit for giving him Xanax. Yeah, that sounds right.
Yeah.

No.

He was telling you the story, and you said that they were probably laced with fentanyl, which... Did I say that? Yeah.
Well, maybe something along those lines. I don't think I said that.

Well, you know, we can go back and listen.

Wow.

Pull up my podcast. Let's review the tape.

Let's review the tape. One star, you cannot smoke ash.

Let's go back to breeding kink for a second. Because I've never even heard of such...
a verbiage of something before.

I think everybody doesn't, isn't it just human to want to come inside of something? I mean, yeah, probably, but like, I like one guy over there who's never thought about it. What?

What the fuck? Wait, you can do that, dude?

Fucking unbelievable. Meanwhile, the Puerto Rican guy with a Puerto Rican of himself on a Puerto Rican shirt of himself is like, I don't even know what the fuck pulling out is, dude.
This fucking guy.

Christ, is that Walmart riffraff? What the fuck is happening?

Holy shit. It is unbelievable.

But does the breeding kink, is that you want them to be pregnant or you just want to come in them? That's what I'm confused by.

It's a little bit of both, but I mean, I've fucked Mexican women, so they're going to get pregnant. They're immune to plan B, apparently.
So when you say you have a breeding kink, does that mean like,

I mean,

can you help us?

I like the idea of getting a woman pregnant. Okay.
Right, yeah. Right.
But that's very dangerous in Texas, as we know. Have you done it before?

Have you gotten women pregnant how many abortions are under Your belt or her belt or what you say aborsh like an even half dozen

You went over time limit

Do you put holes in your own condom me

no no no no absolutely not I have had a woman like poke holes in one before though right yeah that's mexican women will stab anything

Okay,

so

if you had to guess how many abortions you have under your belt. Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, mom.

It's going to be at least three that I know of. Wow.
Three that you know of. I'm a piece of shit.
You were right. You were right, Joe.
I feel terrible. I don't even know who you are.

You seem like a nice guy.

You're giving out drugs. You're paying for abortions.

If you had to guess how many abortions you don't know of and totaled them up, how big would this family of fallen angels be? Fuck.

I mean, honestly, not enough because I've got to have at least one or two kids out there. So

incredible. Do we have an abortion sound effect? Can you go to...
What do we got here?

That's a very late-term abortion.

There it is. It has arrived to the heavens.
Oh, and a fart. Wow.
I I guess that's a side effect of whatever they give you for abortions.

Oh,

oh, Red Band.

Red Ban, that's too much. It's too much, Redben.
Oh, the crowd goes wild. Damn.

Red Ban is on fire. An incredible set of noises for

the abortion.

Wow. I can't believe you did that.
That That is...

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Was that a circular song?

Okay, we're having fun.

A vacuum cleaner would be perfect.

Okay, where's your victory thing? You deserve it.

You deserve it after that. Red band on the soundboard.
There it is, right here. Right here.

Hey, Red Band.

Wow. Red Band is a natural Beethoven on this iPad.
It is absolutely incredible. That was a true journey.
Have you ever taken a woman to get an abortion? Yeah. Yeah, I have.

And what is that drive like for you exactly? Not funny.

Well,

yeah, it's very quiet, typically speaking. Yeah.

It's not a fun time.

I mean, it's a great time. Internally, I'm celebrating, obviously, but externally, you have to look sad.
Like, you just have to kind of maintain that. Yeah, you have to play it cool, right?

Absolutely. Do any moments stand out to you, pre- or post-abortion?

One of them happened literally right after I had a threesome. Oh, yeah.
You got a double abortion. No, no.
Thank you. Oh, fuck.
That would have been so expensive. Holy shit.

Well, it would have been twice as expensive as one abortion. Yeah, but it was kind of like a high moment for me and then a really low moment right after.

So it was just a roller coaster, an emotional roller coaster. If you would have put the girl on a roller coaster, she wouldn't need an abortion.
That's so true. You're right about that.

In retrospect, I should have just... That is a good point.
So... You had a threesome and you came inside of one of the girls.
Right, yeah.

And would you have come inside of the other girl if you would have been inside of her at the time? Ooh. No, no, huh.
She didn't seem like mom material, material, if I'm being real.

So, okay, now we're getting somewhere. This is what I look for every episode is a moment of an interview where it's like, finally, some fresh meat, something new.

So this breeding kink where you want to get a woman pregnant, part of it is based on the fact that she might make a good mother, even though you don't want her to actually have the baby.

The part that turns you on is that she seems like she would be a good mother. Absolutely.
And sometimes you do this with a woman that you met that night. This feels like an SAT question.

It's more like an STD question. There it is.

But sometimes it's a one-night stand. Oh, this woman who's obviously had many abortions can't take any more of this.
She's crying and leaving, stumbling her way out.

I think I just saw a baby fall out of her pocket. Okay.

She's pretty hot. I'd pay for one for her.
Oh, my goodness. That is the sound of, oh, my God.
That is the sound of an angry angry woman that's had many abortions leave her.

What?

Where did Santa come from?

Oh my goodness, another baby down the chimney. There they go.
All right.

Okay.

What was my question?

I don't even remember anymore. So, okay, so sometimes you'll meet a woman, right? And you'll like hook up with her that night.

And if she seems, what makes a woman seem maternal to you, a guy who obviously didn't have a real mom in your life? Whoa.

Holy shit. You did?

Yeah, yeah. No.
Loving mother. Very, yeah, very much so.
She homeschooled me all the way through high school. He alluded to his mother watching the show.

You see this? Okay, okay, right there.

Wow.

We are finding out a lot right now.

So a very close connection with your mother some would say to I still kiss her on the lips it's fine you do we all do okay thank you thank you yeah because we're good sons no he's saying that he kisses your mom on the lips

yeah I misunderstood that fuck you yeah that was

that was a think piece of a joke

okay

Wow, this is just incredible to me. So does your mom know that you love coming inside of Mexican women?

Ah, fuck. I hope not.
Do you think she would still kiss you directly on the lips if she does?

I mean, I'm not coming in my own mouth, Tony. So yeah, she would still kiss me on the lips, I feel like.

That can be fun.

Okay. Just kidding.
Davey Jackson, very fun interview. Great stuff.
You already have a big joke book. Yes, sir.
On to the next one. There he goes.
Davey Jackson.

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What about toys? Do they have brands kids have been wanting all year?

Yep, Barbie, Tony's, and Lego. Gifts that will make them all cheer.
Do you mean they have all the brands I adore? They have Nintendo, Nespresso, Apple, and more. What a bad.

So the Who answered questions from friends till they were blue. Each one listened and shouted, from Walmart? Who knew? Shop kissed from top brands for everyone on your list in the Walmart app.

In the time it takes us to say, we're using Folger's Instant Coffee, seamlessly blended with water and ice, a splash of whatever kind of milk is your thing, and gotta get that caramel drizzle.

All to make a toasty, roasty, caramel iced coffee. You could be enjoying it.

Every damn

sip of it. Damn right.
It's Folger's Instant.

A lot of returns of people that have been on this show before. A lot, a lot, a lot.
Let's see what happens here. This looks like a newer name.
Oh, the lovely Heidi.

All this talk of.

All this talk of breeding. And here comes Heidi right on cue.

All right, your next bucket full. This looks like a new name, which is very exciting to me at this point.
Make some noise for Toddy Tyndall, everybody. Toddy Tyndall.

So I was man in the door at an establishment here on 6th Street with a fatty deterrent system in place.

And as I stood at the bottom of them stairs, gorgeous young thing come to me with a little spaghetti strap, silky number on with no bra and half her ass hanging out.

And she is of age, so I sent her up them stairs and might have inadvertently found myself gazing up upon her undercarriage. And it held my gaze a little longer than anticipated.

And in those 20 seconds, I could tell you with absolute certainty that she is not one of those butthole bleach bitches. And also, she has dynamite pussy.

I seen a little white fuse sticking out of her panties.

And a week later, this chunky young thing with 50 pounds of fupa tucked into a mini skirt. Coba X is too small.

Decides she's going to stop halfway up them stairs and throw the ass back for the world to see. It was fucking horrendous.
She had no panties on. I thought I was looking at a bulldog eating bologna.

It was fucking gross. Somebody obviously had lit her fuse.

Oh, you were looking at me. You were done.
I'm directing things, making the whole show happen. Toddy Tyndall, everybody.

Okay.

Well, let's just jump right into it, Joe List.

Did you eat a bee's nest right before you came out?

What?

You do have somewhat of what one would almost call some kind of

accent or impediment or something. Do you know about this? I need a drink.

Your mouth is dry. Yes, sir.

I haven't drank this one yet.

Give him a little sip of that water there. Thank you.
Appreciate it. This guy's mouth is.

Wow. Absolutely incredible.
So you were working a door at a bar and a woman went up the stairs with no underwear on and had a big vagina.

That's basically what you were saying. It was ugly, yes, sir.
Wow, you sound totally fine now.

Amazing. Okay, so let's get right into it, Toddy.
How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Three months. Three months.
All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir.

All this is where you're from? All on 6th Street. No, sir.
I moved from Carlsbad, New Mexico. You moved from Carlsbad, New Mexico.
How long ago did you move? September, Labor Day.

Okay, so you came to Austin to start stand-up. Yes, sir.
And how's that? How old are you? 47. 40 Sialban.

40 Sialban.

Luis J. Gomez.
Speaking of which, Labor Day is the last comic's favorite holiday. That is true because women go into labor.

I would have said his least favorite holiday because he has nothing but abortions.

But it works out. Either way, obviously, was not funny.

I'm trying up here, folks.

Okay, so I love it. Toddy Tyndall, what made you want to start stand-up comedy at the sweet age of 47? I had just been wanting to forever, and I just lost my job, right?

As a good friend of mine, I had a room for it, and I was like, what the hell? I love it. What was your job? I was working in the oil field.
Okay. And how did you lose that job?

The company I was working for lost the contract. Okay.

But you were good? You were good at working in oil?

no I didn't like it why didn't you like it oh my god I just sucked I spent 15 not 15 years 10 years my life on a boat I worked offshore for a long time oh okay Joe Liz hope the company finds the contract

so he gets the job back and stops doing stand-up is the joke I was going for there we go if you explain it you just gotta explain it

so Toddy Tyndall is that your real name mine is Todd I love it. I love it.
Your real last name, Tyndall? Yes, sir. Todd Tyndall.
Look at you. Okay, so let's talk about it.

What have you been doing your whole life other than working in the oil field? Do you have any kids? Are you gay? I am not gay. Your S's are...

Stop it. You sound like a real man until you hit those S's.
Oh, my God. I'm 47.
No, I don't care.

I was working in the oil field.

You don't notice that? That little fucking gas leak you got going on in there?

You don't notice that little fucking

I don't play for that team, but they love me. Oh my god, I'm not a cusp getting hit on by men.

What?

Did you just say your husband gets hit on by men?

Have another sip of that fucking water, Todd. Have another sip of that water.
You're getting gayer and gayer.

Your mouth dries up, and you're fucking

this guy gets gay by the second.

This is absolutely incredible

hell yeah okay so the gay men love you how do you know the gay men love you do they tell you this after you them in the ass

no i was called a beautiful man just a few days ago by another man uh-huh where was you were called the beautiful mind uh-huh where was this at where did this guy call you a beautiful man i presently work the door of poor choices

Oh, wow. So you work the door at the bar in which people sign up and are stationed for this show.
My fucking night off, and there I was again. There it is.

Tonight was your night off, and you're inside of Poor Choices. Get my balls busted on Kill Tony.
Yep.

I bet you wish they would.

Just out here getting my balls busted.

Incredible, Todd. So what do you do for fun? You seem like a man with many hobbies.
Like, yeah, I bet you have your own little train set or something like that.

No, I'm a reptile, not erection, a fishing auto. You're a what? A reptile.
I like reptiles. I like captain bred pythons for a decade.
I sold my reptile business to move here.

You had a reptile business, I did

incredible. So, like, uh, do you ever put a snake in your butt?

Oh, yeah, plenty of times. No, but seriously, no, not like that, no, right.
What's the craziest thing that's happened to you with these reptiles?

Getting bit by big snakes and screaming like a little girl with a skin knee.

Dude, I know it must be weird coming from me,

but bro, I got news for you, dude. You're gay, bro.

We are going to figure this out tonight, Toddy.

I got news for you, dude. This is a very special talent that I have.

Your gay dar is strong. It is unbelievable.
I have to be on the defense at all times. I cannot drop my keys or anything around people like you

You just said that

you got bit boss

I mean it is just blatant. It is blatant.
Have you ever tried being with a man? No, I have not Jill list have you ever dealt with a reptile dysfunction?

Oh,

that's not a new one, buddy. I've heard that many a times.
Oh, I bet you've heard all the reptile jokes. Why don't you do some for us? oh no that just that one oh okay

that's about it thought you'd have more in the tank or no i do not know

all right

um that's why i have four kids five kids from four different women whoa all right david lucas slow down so i am not gay i am i have you have five kids from four different women you have a breeding kink

This is a breeding kink themed show all of a sudden. There are dudes just blasting, just raw dogging it.

Wow. My pull-out game is trash.

Incredible. Incredible.

So,

okay.

All these kids are in Arizona? Oh, no. I've never lived in Arizona.
I'm from New Mexico. Oh, that's what I meant.
Yeah, it's all the same name. Yes, sir.
See it up.

Right. Okay.

So they're all there. No, sir.
I have three in Louisiana, one in Texas, one in New Mexico.

Wow. Oh, my my goodness.
It's like a game of risk.

Absolutely incredible. And how about now? What are you doing nowadays? What do you, what do you, what are you doing? I'm playing the field.

I'm single for the first time in a decade, and I'm trying to be a fucking cocksman out here on 6th Street. How's that working out? He's fucking with us.

My standards are on a sliding scale, and at the moment, I'm kind of broke.

You said he's fucking with us? He's fucking with us. You think he's gay too? Yeah, Yeah, yeah, he just said he's like I'm sixth grade cocksinger or whatever the fuck he's

fucking second cock on sixth grade, whatever he's doing.

I did just take a photo of the transvest site and send to my baby brother to fuck with him. Told him she wanted to take me home tonight.
And she's obviously not,

she doesn't have the factory fuck stick.

Sorry, factory fuck hole, rather.

Oh,

wait a second.

The flag on the play.

You just said fuck stick.

And we all heard it.

This girl was born with the factory fuckstick. What does that mean?

The OG dick. Born without

the fucking regular old fuck hole.

Girl had a dick is what I'm saying.

Joe List. The girl.
No, I'm just confused too. Me too.
I mean, first of all, I know this isn't the wokest crowd, but Transvesta, I don't think we're saying that anymore. I mean.

Yikes.

All right, Toddy, let me ask you this. Let's go this direction to try to crack this code.

What is the gayest thing you've ever done in your life?

Oh, you got a quick answer here. That finger went right up.
I can already tell now you're doing it.

I kissed a dude one time.

Okay.

Okay. Oh, people are disgusted here in Texas.

Oh, God.

Where was this at? Where did you kiss this dude?

Where on his body did you kiss him?

With his dirty body. Best friend, Bobby Love.
Hold on. Wait, let's check in with Gay Red Band over here.
It was on his dirty asshole.

I claimed it for him. He shall pay me.

And then I threw him in a tank filled with snakes

What is your kink?

I like butt-fucking fat girls

I believe everything except for the last word

Real women with the with the factory fuckhole.

We're getting a little bit closer here. We've made it to buttholes ladies and gentlemen.
We are getting warmer on the

I'm gonna I'm gonna even let Red Band do a second fart noise this episode. There you go.
You've earned it, buddy. You've earned it.

I like fucking really big girls in the ass, preferably with really short hair, if possible.

Yeah.

And while they growl.

Yeah.

Why not?

Wow. Okay.
All right. All right, Red Band.

I love it.

Okay.

Let's find out more gay things about you. What's your favorite kind of music? What kind of music do you like to listen to? I think Metallica is the greatest American music.

I thought he was going to say Madonna. I swear to God.

I did not see Tallica coming there. I thought it was Adonna for sure.
His favorite song is Enter Sand Man.

Yes.

Yes, a perfect Metallica reference, totally making up for that Labor Day joke from just a few minutes ago.

Wow. Four kids.
I just can't believe it. Oh, five.
Five, four moments. Four moms.
Do you stay in communication with them? Oh, yeah. You're a good dad.
I am. Wow.

What are you doing for them for Christmas?

Money. You just send money.
Well,

they're older. They like money.
Yeah. My baby is eight, and

she lives going to Walmart with a little card, you know, so I hope that. Nice.
I love it. Hell yeah.
That's a New Mexico delight.

Going to Walmart with a gift card. Oh, for sure.
Oh, yeah.

White trash wonderful. Absolutely.
Absolutely. All right, Toddy.
Well, I got to tell you, it's a hell of a Kill Tony debut. Your minute was,

what was it? It was just

fabulous.

It was a gay old time. It was a gay old time.

It's hard out there to be a gay man with a dry mouth.

Nobody likes getting their dick sucked by a sandpaper vacuum.

Wow, you have a sound effect for for that? That's incredible.

Fred Pan's been waiting 13 and a half years to do his dry mouth gay blowjob.

Oh,

I need an ambulance for my dick.

All right. So the set was terrible, barely understandable with the dry mouth.
I mean, it really was. And you were, you need to get that mic a little bit closer to your mouth when you're trying to.

I know, you know, that'll be easy for you.

But I'll tell you what, the interview was so good that instead of a little joke book, we're going to go with a medium joke book. And there he goes.
All right, thank you.

Toddy Tyndall, everybody, making his Kill Tony debut. Congratulations, Toddy.
Oh, Jesus. Get out of here, Brad.
Oh, my God. I almost flipped and fell at the ad.

I can't believe it. I almost flipped and fell right on.

Fuck yeah. Nothing better than Heidi to ungay the room after that.

We're all thinking about dry blowjobs and shit. So, you're not going to believe this.
The bucket has such an unbelievable sense of humor. That was Toddy Tyndall's first name, first time on the show.

And his name, again, is Toddy Tyndall.

This next comedian's name is Tommy Tickles.

Again, that was Toddy Tyndall. And this...

Jesus. I thought I was the only one with that name.

Son of a bitch, people are gonna get us confused.

I have 17 kids. I can't possibly be gay.

Y'all have assholes.

I butt-fucked my way into a bunch of kids.

And I sent them all Walmart gift cards.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm introducing, after Toddy Tyndall, this is Tommy Tickles, everybody.

I'm 4% Nigerian.

That means I can say the N-word every 50 days or so.

I'm married. I do most of my own laundry.
I do all the cooking. I do most of the cleaning and I pay most of the bills.

The only reason I'm still married is because of the sex.

The wonderful sex I'm having with her sister.

I don't want to screw that up.

I've got a real

creepy uncle.

My mom hoped that he wouldn't rub off on me.

But he did it anyway.

I don't like to text and I don't like to text and drive. It makes it way too difficult to watch porn and masturbate.

You will never catch me drinking and driving because I'm that fucking fast. There he is.
You cannot make it up. Tommy Tickles following Toddy Tyndall.

Both of them look ridiculously straight

and then they begin to talk.

And in a stunning turn of events, again,

the odds of this happening. In the history of the show that a Toddy Tyndall would look like a real man from the oil field.

And then this guy comes out. Literally, me and Redman joked because we both thought the same thing.
As soon as he walks out, we go, oh, straightest guy ever. Yeah, straight guy.

And then all of a sudden, you're like, I have sex with my sister.

Sex with my wife's sister. Okay, let's get into it.
Tommy, welcome to the show. You're not responsible for what happened before you, but you are kind of all right.

Here we go. Tommy, how long you been doing stand-up? It's my first time.
Wow, look at that. I love it.
I love to hear it. Let the games begin.
This interview shall be golden.

There's nothing that can stop my momentum at this point with you. I could tell you got a lot of stories.
I could tell there's a lot of things in the cup holder of your truck right now.

We're going to get into it. There's a lot going on.
What is in the cup holder of your truck before I even get started with the rest? I heard some of the questions you asked the other guy.

The gayest thing I've ever done, I've won a skipping contest.

Really? Yeah,

like in the fifth grade, I was awesome. I was fast.

That is amazing. That is amazing.
I now know you are straight as fuck. Because that is a true answer of a true straight man.
I as well won a skipping contest.

Maybe later on. I did it on my way here tonight, actually.
I won.

Let me see who's the gayest. Okay, very good.
All right. Turns out he is gay after all.

Toddy Tyndall, then Tommy Tickles. That's your real name, Tommy Tickle.

Oh, you made that up? Well, I had to change it from Mectickles to Tickles. Mechticles.
No, that's not you either. My real name's Sean.
Oh, okay. Well, that's crazy.
You're kind of crazy.

Why would you change your name? You have warrants? No,

you know, just don't want people to know me as Tommy Tickles. How many DUIs have you gotten? Ha!

Never been caught. I have never been caught.

Never. You pled not guilty.
No contest.

Absolutely. Okay, so how old are you, Tommy?

What is going on here tonight?

These drones are shooting gay lasers wherever the mic stand is right now. now

And I'm 50. I just turned 50 you just turned 50

Wait, the crowd is absolutely shocked you are the same exact age as Brian Redband

Incredible. What has happened in your life to where you look like you fought in every war that America has had

I've seen a lot of shit, yeah. Yeah, what have you seen? Oh, you know, I've been everywhere.
I've been all over the world. You know, you see it all.
Yeah. I've been on Sixth Street.

Shit, some lady tried to sell me a scooter for like 50 bucks. That sounds like a pretty good deal, honestly.
I know, that's what I said.

I couldn't figure out how to put the gas in the motherfucker, but I've got a scooter now. So you bought it.
Yeah.

Amazing. I found a country.
Yeah, where?

Outside of Fredericksburg, about two and a half hours from here. Okay.
Out in the middle of nowhere. All right.
That's where you were born and raised. Yeah, I was raised there.
Okay.

My dad was in the Navy. I was born on a Corpus Christi Naval base.
And then after all that, you know, I was ended up out on the farming ranch out in Fredericksburg. Okay.

And then you were a farmer for many years. Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm doing right now.
I'm a farmer rancher and construction manager.

Okay. Yeah.
And what exactly does that job entail exactly? It's like 16, 20 fucking hours a day milking goats and sheep and fucking cows getting in the neighbor's pasture.

And then you do all that during the nighttime, farming, you you know, plowing fields and planting oats. And then in the daytime, I go build fence and fucking barns and shit.
Honest question here.

Yeah, that was an

honest answer I'm looking for, Tommy. You ready for it? Let's go.
What is the most sexual thing you've ever done with any of those farm animals?

You ever just like I'm some kind of sheep fucker? No, I'm just curious. Maybe you patted a cow on the butt or something, like good game or something like that.

Everybody knows that goats wiggle around more and have bigger tits.

They have the second closest vagina to a human vagina.

I can do a cesarean. I can perform a C-section on a goat or sheep or cow.

That's not very sexual, but you know, I can stick my hand all the way up in there.

And you've done that before? I have, yeah, you got to, you know,

if you got big old hands and...

You have big old hands? They're old. They're definitely old.
Goats and sheep think. That's why they call them Tommy Tickles.

Nah.

Okay, so Tommy, let's talk about your love life a little bit. What have you, have you, you have kids? Have you been married? What have you been doing out there? I've been married for 13 years.

That's right. Yep.

What does she do for a living? What's this name?

Okay, Red Bennett. Relax.

She cleans bed and breakfast is.

She's housekeeper, and then also she takes care of the ranch. I mean, it's a full-time job.

We have 12 bottle babies right now, little tiny goats and sheep, and she has to bottle feed them three times a day. So it's busy.
Is it profitable? No.

No.

No, you got to love it. You know, I love it.
You love it. Well, kind of.
I'd rather make some money.

You wake up to like

what wakes you up? Like chickens or something like that? Chickens and geese. And we got about 15 guinea hens that live above our house.
So it's like a fucking huge Italian people?

what is that guinea

wake up down there hey

oh

oh fuck

no it's it's hard to fall asleep and it's not not hard to wake up

okay

all right what are you into when you log on to the internet and you go to a porn website and your wife is out there bottle feeding goats and you have a couple minutes to yourself what do you search search for threesomes uh

with free use gorgeous you know what was that last one before gorgeous what was the one free use free use yeah you know you're just wandering around and there's some chick there and she's like you can do whatever you want

Sometimes I'm hosting this show and I have no idea what's going on.

And I sometimes wonder maybe I'm the only one that doesn't know what the fuck anything means or makes sense and I and it gets scary in everybody else's podcast you're in a room you can't fuck up the audio everybody can hear what they're saying you got headphones on this show is so crazy what the fuck are you talking about

hey it's your question you know you wanted to ask

Son of a bitch, I just got bodied. Is that free use?

Red Band's looking up free use porn. Where's my ex-girlfriend? Even he's like, I got to get this shit off my screen with that, with that, thank God for ExpressVPN.

My goodness. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
So what kind of car did you drive here today? What kind of pickup truck? Chevy 2500.

So what is, for some reason, my first thing that I said when I began this interview, I picture there being stuff, right? There's stuff underneath your like radio, the knobs, and everything.

What is in your cup holders and your little holder areas? What do you? Is there a lot of stuff there? Receipts and coins. Am I correct? Yeah, broken tools and shit I need to fix, and receipts.

Like, what do you need to fix exactly this?

Hydraulic, uh, hydraulic connection on a hydraulic hose that goes to my skid steer, and I've got a hydraulic hose is actually one of the things I search on the power wheel.

Screaming, yeah.

All right, okay.

Red band is killing on the soundboard tonight. Okay.
Can I try roasting?

Wait, what do you mean?

What do you mean?

What's going on here?

Who do you want to roast? You trying to roast me? Oh, you son of a bitch. Sure, try roasting.
Hey, you've got a gorgeous face. You've got extremely big teeth.
I bet horses love you.

Maybe they don't love you. Maybe they're scared you're going to eat their corn.

That is true. Your face should be at the end of a conveyor belt in a James Bond movie.
Just like, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. Yeah.

These are all very good. Red Ran,

if I said, right turn, Clyde, would you know what to do?

Now, is that barnyard material?

Same generation from a Clint Eastwood movie. He'd go, right, turn, Clyde, in some chimpanzee, would go, blink, stick out his arm and knock somebody out.
Okay.

You have that on like VHS or something somewhere.

Probably. Do you have a VCR? No.
Uh-huh. Do you have a DVD player? Yes.
And you use it? Oh, yeah.

I've got stacks of stacks of movies. There's nothing else to do.

Absolutely incredible. Do you have Wi-Fi on your farm? Yes, uh-huh.
Okay. So you have actual Wi-Fi, not dial-up.
Internet, smartphone, fucking smart TV nowadays.

There's no moisturizer.

Funny.

What's the last thing you bought yourself, like as a special treat for yourself? Fuck.

This sweatshirt. Okay.

All right.

Oh, some my nephew talked me into getting some earbuds. So now I got earbuds on, so I'm out there on the tractor.
I can listen to my earbuds. I can listen to music and stuff.

Can't figure out the phone, though. People call, and I'm slapping myself in the ear.
Now I have a fucking earache.

Wow, look at that.

So,

50 years old,

and what made you want to start stand-up comedy? Did I already ask you this? No, you haven't.

50 years old. I've always wanted to do this.
Love comedy.

But I've just been, you know, stuck out on the farm and ranch. And then all of a sudden I find out about your show.
It's only like two and a half hours away. And I'm like, why the fuck not?

How many times have you signed up for this show? This is number five. This is your fifth time you got up.
How did it feel?

I can't hardly see anybody, so I'm fucking fine. You know, I'm a little nervous.
My legs are a little shaky, but you know, I got a few laughs. Yeah.
That's what I wanted. Yeah.

Yeah.

First time, especially for a first time, it was fucking great, Tommy Tickles. Congratulations.
Very, very interesting human being.

Thanks for taking a break from the farm. Here's a big joke book made from the great bones eye.
That's real Texas leather. Just like your skin, you son of a bitch.

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Visit your local Volvo retailer for the Summer Safely Bonus event. This episode is brought to you by Pacifico.
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All right.

This looks like a new name for sure. Let's see how this goes.
Make some noise for A-bomb, everybody. A bomb.

Come on, make some noise for A-bomb, everyone.

Hey, it's cool to be here, but a lot of people hype Austin up like it's the promised land.

Like, as soon as you get off the highway, you run into packs of motherfuckers sleeping together, drugged out, begging for money.

And them just the comedians. Don't get me started on the homeless people.

I'm sure there are good people on both sides.

This is Texas. All right, this should be a safe space.
Is it just me or trans women getting a little too powerful?

Hear me out.

They're kicking women's asses in sports and dating apps.

In a short amount of time, we went from, it's ma'am, to uh,

will you suck my lady penis?

Like, bro,

maybe, maybe.

But you see these trans women on these dating apps and it's like, like, like, what Shilon Musk has been innovating trans technology?

Where are the alpha? Where are the alphabet people hiding them? Him, her,

one of them, one of them.

Should have put his ass on a vaccine. I probably would have got it.
He has a good track record. But you see these.

Fuck it, bro. The bear mic.

A-bomb.

Welcome to the show, A-bomb. This is your first time here, correct? This is my first time here.
This is my fifth time doing comedy. Okay.
This shit's dope, bro. Yeah, it's a fun thing.
Yes, sir.

Absolutely. How old are you? I am 31.
What made you want to start stand-up comedy?

Going through a rough time, man. I had to laugh to keep from crying.
I love it. Tell us about it.
Shit.

A breakup. I don't want to get exactly into that like that.
No, you're good. Get into it.
That's what's interesting. What's real is what's interesting.
Nobody watches this.

Yeah.

This is a safe space.

All right.

It's what people can relate to. It's what got almost everyone around you started in what we're

doing. Yes, sir.
That's how artists are made.

Trauma and

life creates art. So go ahead.
Tell us about this terrible situation there.

All right, so just between me and y'all.

Man, it was a while back. It was a long time ago now that I think about it.
Back in Memphis, Tennessee, I met met this girl, a lovely girl, Christian girl, and I thought we'd be together forever.

We moved out here seeking better opportunities and whatnot.

It was good. COVID hit.
We made it through.

But then I guess real shit happens because, you know, that all you had to do was work out. You know what I'm saying? It was affecting fat people more than the rest of us.

So it wasn't as deadly as they say. I love fat people.
I love to grab the fat. There's nothing wrong with that.
But anyway, so we moved out here. You know what I'm saying? Trying to work with animals.

That's what we heard. Texas was about.
Thought all y'all had a horse and a dog. You know what I'm saying? It's not that at all.

Y'all disappointed me.

So then, man, we're just going through a lot of shit. No more than I think

a lot of horse shit. You know what I'm saying? But we wiped our feet and we kept on going.
You know what I'm saying? We held our nose.

All right, you get it off in the mud, you walk through it long enough, you tread.

Uh, but yeah, so seeking jobs with animals, we found that, but um, I guess we didn't find the peace that we were looking for, and it was too much. It was too much for.

So,

I don't know what that sound was, but I'm sure it worked.

So, it became too much, and um, she went her own way.

I didn't have a say-so on what happened. I begged, I pleaded, baby, what you doing? What's going on? When are you coming back to me? Turn them headlights around.

She was like, fuck that. No, no.

You mean nothing, bro?

So that's what it was. So laugh to keep from crying, man.
I was just like, I was in a bad place. You know, a person promised you, like, I'm going to be with you forever.

And then forever, you find out it's only like 365 days. Like, God damn.

To make a long story short.

What?

Okay, okay.

Okay. All right, so she left.
I was in my head a lot. It was just me and the dogs.
I trained dogs. I love my animals.
How many dogs do you have? I own seven dogs. Seven dogs.
Oh, my goodness.

With four different women.

It was one woman.

I'm sorry, Tony. I'm sorry.
No, you're good. It was one woman.
And since she put out so many, that thing is loose. Sorry for the next dude.
Hell yeah.

You got her. There's your revenge.

Those headlights definitely ain't turning around now.

Incredible. She never gave you a reason on why she went back to Memphis and left you here in Austin with seven derogues.
Man, so the fucked up part, she didn't go back to Memphis.

So she has family here. I have no family here.
Okay. And so that's why I said, I'm stuck here alone.
Like she had a safe net. She had somewhere to go to.

So I'm like, God brought me here for a reason, bro. This is nothing but opportunity.
This is wild that this has happened. Yeah.

So it's like since I moved here, like my favorite, like pop culture YouTubers, they're in Texas. I've got to meet up with them.
Kill Tony, a homie of mine, a YouTube homie, put me onto the show.

I knew about you guys, but I didn't know about the show for some reason. And two months ago, he showed me, and I was like, bro, I fucking love this shit.
So I binged it. I'm watching non-stop.

And I was like, oh,

you were in Austin. I was like, bro, that's a fucking hour away.
I live in San Antonio. I don't know if I said that.

And I was like, bro, I can get here. I can do it.
And bro, here we are. Here we are.

Thank you, God. Thank you, Lord.
That's true. Thank you.
No doubt about it. We are your dogs now.

And you know what, my friend? All dogs go to heaven.

So you do dog fighting is what really happens. Am I correct? This is what I've heard about your people.

That's what some of us do.

Is John asleep? Oh my God.

You were asleep. Fun fact, sometimes John Dees falls asleep, and that's why he wears sunglasses.
He smokes so much weed. And he raises multiple children.

All right.

He was asleep. You were dead asleep just then.

Oh my goodness. I have two musicians with their eyes closed.

That's right. You're still awake, D.

That was implied. All right.

Okay, all right. Thank you, D.
D.

Okay.

Thank you, D. All right.
Famous, homophobe, D-Madness is here.

I love your style, A-bomb. I mean, you seem so

well-spoken. And

like...

That was actual racism, folks.

That was racist. Of all the things I've done this year, that was actually racist.

That might have been my most racist moment.

Is Avom your real name? I'm kidding.

Okay. It's Sean.

It's Tyrone Tindleberry.

We went to Toddy Tindle to Tommy Tickles to Tyrone Tindleberry.

We had a bunch of TT comedians before you. I saw.
Okay. You did?

We were back there. Yes, sir.
All right.

Okay.

So, Abom, what else about your life? Do you work with those dogs for a living? Is that how you make money? Yeah, so we started a business, the pariah pack.

Okay. That's my business.
I had to shout it out because you asked. It's relevant.
It's all good. So that was me and her business.

And I guess it just, it just became a lot that added to like the mental stress. Right.
So

what exactly is the business? What is pariah pack? I train dogs. I was born in dogs.

So now I'm just doing mostly training.

So that's what I'm doing. I just work with the animals, trying to better the relationship between the human and the animal.
I love that. Okay.
And this is all based out of San Antonio. Yes, sir.
Okay.

Do people Yelp review your business at all?

How do you spell pariah pack?

T-H-E-P-A-R-I-A-H-P-A-C-K. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Slow down, eh?

Oppity, Oppity, Oppity, Oppity.

You got me there. So what is it? How do you spell it? The T-H-E.
Uh-huh. Pariah.
P-A-R-I-A-H. Yep.
PAC. P-A-C-K.

Okay.

Red Band typed it in all one word there.

The pariah pack. The pariah pack.

Okay, no, there are no Yelp reviews, which is good for you.

We've been reading Yelp reviews of people's businesses today. There's some reviews on Google.
And like, if you see a Facebook,

okay.

Okay, this guy's asking for it. Let's see what happens here.

Let's see what happens here.

There are a few, there are nine Google reviews. Go up there.
Go up there.

Yep. We are so happy with the service.
First time boarding here, and I recommend.

The guy that runs the place, I think, stole my wallet. Oh, wait a second.
No, I'm kidding. I made that one up.

I made that one up. That was my.

That was me.

No, these are all good. It's all five stars all the way.
Absolutely incredible.

What else? What else are you into when you're not working with the dogs? The dogs.

Man.

People always say this, but hiking.

Wow. Jiu-Jitsu.
Wow. Rock climbing.
Incredible. You are a white man.

What else do you want in life, A-bomb? What else do I want? Well, I'm a traditional artist. So

I draw stuff like cartoons, illustration. Where can people find your work? Abomination AJ.
So that's what A-bomb is. It's short for Abomination AJ.
And that's like my YouTube, like, internet

Okay, perfect. Find him at Abomination AJ.

Here's a big joke book. I like your style.
There he goes.

A-bomb.

All right. We didn't have a woman up tonight.
So your final bucket pull of the night, I pulled until I found a woman. And ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Jenny Rodriguez. Put your hands together one more time for Jenny Rodriguez.

If you have a miscarriage when you're married, does that make it a missus carriage?

I'm gay.

How gay are you? You guys want to do that? We'll do that. I'm gay.

I'm so gay that I love cocking my ass.

I am gay. I'm a bisexual woman.

I celebrate my bisexuality the best way that I know how. That's, of course, by having a boyfriend.

I love my boyfriend, but he hates me. The other night

the other night we were having sex and it was getting pretty hot. So I was like, fuck me like a whore.

And then he just kept fucking me the same exact way

thank you i'm a jenny rodriguez

jenny rodriguez welcome welcome is this your first time on the show second time second time heck yeah welcome back you look different a little different my hair was split dye now it's this okay

Something crazy happened last time you were on, right? My boyfriend got picked first, and then I got picked second. It was all bucket draw.
Were you like a lot funnier than him or something?

I was a lot funnier than him. I'll say that.

Absolutely. How bad was this guy? Jesus.

Holy shit.

He's the funniest guy that I know. Aw, how sweet.
Absolutely adorable.

Okay, Jenny. So, how's life going? Good.
What's been going on? So, actually, he's not my boyfriend. He's now my fiancé.
Whoa.

Congratulations, another Latino wedding. That's right.

So, yeah, we just got engaged.

I got a promotion.

I got a new car. Where'd you get a promotion at? I work at Costco.

Thank you. Wow.
Costco. Incredible.
What do you do at Costco? I'm a tire installer. You're a what?

I'm a tire installer. Oh, my goodness.
The Puerto Ricans behind you just look wild. Absolutely incredible.
Hey, I fucking love tires, man.

And I don't like to do it myself, dude, the fucking hero.

And I fucking love Costco when they bring the boom, dude.

Okay. You're a tire installer.
Yes. Wow.
Normally your people remove tires and steal them from people.

But there you are, putting them back on, doing a reverse Latino trickery.

Hey, look, Kenny Rogers is here, everybody. The real life Kenny Rogers.
I just noticed this now. Rest in peace, sir.
Amazing. Red Band loves your chicken.

Okay.

Amazing. So

you've been installing tires. So were you a tire installer before? I was a tire installer before.
Now I'm like a supervisor when they need me to be. Uh-huh.
Okay. Working in Costco is good.

Benefits and everything? I get paid decently.

Benefits are good. I get vacation.
Tomorrow, I get some. Oh, wait, no.
Christmas, I get paid. That's cool.

Shout out to Christmas.

Shout out to Chris Kringle himself.

Okay.

And did you notice anything changed with your relationship when you got engaged? Did the sex stay the same? Sex is still there. We're still doing it.
Still there. Yeah.
Very telling answer.

I'm like, we had sex a couple days ago. That was cool.
A couple days ago, for a Latino, that is three years of space.

For those of you keeping track.

It's like dog years. ears.
They're supposed to fuck almost hourly.

So, a couple days ago. I mean, I suck his dick like every couple days.
I feel like that makes up for that. You know what? You just got another promotion.
Congratulations.

All right, Jenny, we're going to keep it moving along. You already have a joke book, right? Yes, I do.
There she goes, Jenny Rodriguez. And we've come to that part of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

I got news for you. I got news for you.
Hold on one second before you start that.

Unfortunately, due to it indeed being the holiday season, Cam Patterson and William Montgomery have the night off.

However,

ladies and gentlemen, here to close tonight's show is the only man that I feel like is even capable of such an unbelievable mission. A man

that God Himself has called comedian of the year 2024.

A man

so amazing that I personally have talked

to the incoming

administration of the government of the United States of America

and I have indeed confirmed that this man will be a citizen of the United States of America. I present to you an anomaly unknown to human civilization before he existed.

A man who is the most famous person from where he comes from.

A man who is unbelievably hilarious on stage, offstage, and everywhere in between.

This is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Mani!

Hey, black guys,

if you don't want me to say the N-word,

can you stop making it the best part of the fucking song?

Call it fucking Freddy in Paris. Fuck!

I mean,

to be fair, I can feel the N-word coming back. I think...

I think we're like five years out.

Hold on, brother.

We're going to get to have some fun again.

I mean, cancel culture's over. You know, everything's coming back.
Remember when we couldn't say f ⁇ ing and retard?

retard went away for like a week huh

after that we were like fuck it

and also let's be honest the retard don't get upset

If he gets upset, give him a banana. He's fucking

happy, happy, happy.

The gay guy gets upset, give him a banana too. He'll fucking.

But then again,

if you call a black guy the N-word

and then try to give him a banana,

things will escalate.

Thank you very much. Oh

my

God.

Yeah.

And that

is a Kill Tony regular.

Thank you.

Here for the holidays. No rest for the wicked, the great and powerful, Ari Matty.
Yeah, everyone's dead in my family, so.

And you know. You're in my family now, town name.
I love it. And by the way, you know you can't smoke ashes.

It's a thing from earlier. I think from earlier.
Sorry, I was at the gym, Louis.

Sorry, I was at the gym, Louis.

What kind of workout is that exactly?

What do you think about this?

This is what I do at the gym.

Workouts.

This guy just

preps for fucking. It's incredible.

Just puts one of those rubber bands around you and just does pelvic thrusts at the gym. Very intimidating to the other people.

Yeah, Joe Lizz got so fucking weirded up when I was doing this fucking shit. No, I got hard.

Ari, what's going on? Everything good? An unfucking believable set. Literally, literally perhaps 20, 30, 40, 50 times funnier than anything we've seen all night.
I mean, literally,

by a measurable statistic. I don't even think it's really,

people weren't that terrible. It's just your, that was so powerful.
Oh, thanks. I appreciate it.
That's very nice of you. The banana shit is unbelievable.

Unbelievable. So fantastic.
Thank you. And it's, you know, it's amazing.
I, I, we hang out a lot.

And this fucking guy, I mean, his head is in his joke book all the time, taking notes, readjusting readjusting things, moving things around.

Even when we're hanging, when we're smoking blunts and drinking whiskey late at night and laughing about shit, he'll grab his fucking joke book and write something down.

And it's just non-stop, and it fucking shows. Yeah, thank you.
I love it. It's so much fun.
So many people get complacent when

having a big career boom like you. And it seems like you're doubling down and working harder all the time.
Oh, thank you. That's very nice of you.
Are you going?

Oh, you're going to call us gay because it's two men complimenting each other and that's gay in New York. I just figured we should all leave.
You guys obviously want to fuck each other.

Oh, that was crazy. We all just watched that happen.
Hey, Lewis, cool hat. Hey, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

He just wants Toddy Tyndall to be able to find him later so he can play with his snake.

It is a crazy hat, Lewis, I gotta tell you. Ari Matty writes jokes all day.
Lewis wears his Sharpie marker on his fucking head.

You got me, dude.

My hat isn't cool.

It is incredible. What made you pick that hat?

I don't know. Is it the color? Yeah.
Yeah. What's the problem with my hat, Tony? No, I don't know.

I'm just, you know, as a gay man, like you were implying with me and Ari talking to each other, I figured I would judge your fashion a little bit since I'm so gay.

Ari, unfucking believable set. Absolutely incredible.
He's done it again. Fucking superstar.
Merry Christmas.

Make some fucking noise for Ari Maddie. Make some goddamn noise for my guests.

We do believe indeed we need to double confirm it, but we do indeed believe Luis J. Gomez is indeed the new record holder for all-time appearances as a guest on this show.

A brother from another mother.

Lewisofskanks.com. He is on tour.
A fantastic stand-up comedian. Check out him and Joe List.
and Bobby Kelly and Ann Soder on their hit podcast, The Regs,

R-E-G-Z.

Joe List, how about another hand for Joe List?

He's on tour, comedianjoelist.com.

No doubt about it. A fun episode.
I enjoyed myself. Brought to you by Blue Chew, Blue Nile Prize Picks.
One more time for the best stamp band in the land.

Matt Muelling, John D's, D-Madness,

Big Mike, Carlos Sosoral, Vallejo, Bernanekos, Castillo, Groove Line Horns. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight.

Okay.

is that me as the Grinch?

And that's Red Band as Santa Claus. That's me.
Okay.

That's a skinny. That's the healthiest I've ever seen Red Band look.

And that's the nicest I've ever looked.

Brian J. Eva with a great drawing of Louis J.
Gomez and Joe Lisp. That's in.
Brian Redban. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the sunsetstripatx.com.
Love you. We love you guys.

Yeah,

by the time this episode comes out, you should know

where the next big road gig is. It is absolutely massive, literally, I do believe,

bigger than the venue in New York City that we did two shows at. You're going to be very excited when you find out where it is.
Again, tickets should be on sale right now.

It'll pop up on the screen as I'm saying it. Indiana, guys.
Yeah, we're going to Indiana, everybody.

Anyway, did you guys have fun tonight?

We love you. Thank you.
Good night, everybody.

Thank you.

All right, y'all, gather around because Monet Exchange from Sibling Rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini.

Now, listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, U.S.
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And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it.
Monet Exchange in the library, uploading a picture of my music theory homework, like Gemini, please help Adiva out.

Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying in the practice room for three hours. This would have been life-changing.
Now, back to the goods.

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Terms apply.

You're going to want to open this gift first because someone used too much tape. There's apocalypse-proof plastic packaging.
Gifts that require some assembling. Um, okay, a lot of assembling.

Stringed lights to check. It's the 103rd bulb that's broken.
And boxes to break down. So many boxes.
This holiday, don't go into curse war debt. Give the most useful gift, a Leatherman multi-tool.

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