#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Brad Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get it for Tony Hitchclap!

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On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Ballejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande.

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He is here.

Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

John Dee's on the keys

and that is indeed the one and only D madness on the bass guitar live in the flesh the real deal how about a hand for Max Frost on the pre-show music what a star God you gotta love Austin Texas you never know what musician or comedian you will find here this episode is brought to you by blue chew blue nile and prize picks and life is good before we start tonight's episode here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you right here right now

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Every single week I book the show, and what a great way to do it tonight.

Two of the funniest human beings that have ever been guests on this show.

Literally, one of them is the guest with the record.

I do believe.

We have to double-check it, but I do believe he passed the late great brodie stevens for appearances on this show ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your guests two of the best it's luis jay gomez and joe litz

yeah baby

louis jay gomez

from the legion of skanks

joe litz is here

The birds are flying.

This is fun.

What a perfect little duo.

Two great friends from the city of New York.

A beautiful, beautiful place if you don't count illegal immigrants lighting innocent women on fire on subways.

But other than that, a stunning city that we visit two nights a year exclusively to do your biggest arena.

And I'm glad you guys could make it to a city with law and order.

You call this city a city with law and order?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

The homeless people should light themselves on fire here.

You clean up this shithole.

Are you out of your mind?

I've never been here and not run from a homeless person on this street.

Well, in their defense, you do look like their perfect prey, Joe Lest.

I mean, I'm not even homeless, and I want to chase you sometimes when I see you.

I really am.

Last time, I was sprinting away from two homeless people screaming at me, and as I was running away, two like hipsters in skinny jeans and pedoras were walking the opposite direction, and it was the most humiliating experience of my life.

That is

Austin, Texas.

That was a Austin parade.

That's our annual parade.

The homeless go one way, hipsters go the other way.

It's true chaos.

You guys have done this show before.

You know how it works.

A lot of the open micers are out of town.

A record for the least sign-ups we've had since being here at the mothership.

185 people are across the street, stacked on top of one another in a bar called Poor Choices.

And if I pull their name out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

which brutally interrupts their set.

And then I conduct an interview.

We laugh about what could possibly have happened during their set or what else they could possibly talk about or what else is interesting in their lives.

My friend with the Kill Tony hat, I'm going to let you do the honor of picking the first name.

The bucket of destiny has spoken.

And that is indeed a legible written name.

And that person will be wrangled, and they will be the first bucket pull of the night but while we wrangle that person we're going to get a golden ticket winner up here who is fun to watch and you know what I like about this guy this isn't one of our this isn't one of our big blast out superstars what I like about this guy is that the plan is to hopefully watch him grow in real time over a long period of time on this show he has had gone through traumatic brain injury ladies and gentlemen.

He has the record for most appearances on one episode of a show.

This is a brand new minute from the one and only Drew Nickens.

Me and my boys like to watch special Olympic highlights to feel better about ourselves.

We were watching women's field hockey because feminism

when when he came in and he said, would you hit that?

And I said, I can't.

And it's because if you have sex with a special needs girl, sir, you will be looked at as a predator, as someone who's taken advantage of someone, and you need to do better.

If I have sex with a special needs girl,

oh,

Drew finally fell love.

And I deserve to be canceled because I drive a car and I pay my bills.

I shouldn't be on a date with someone who needs a chaperone.

And my boy said, Drew, you're terrible with women.

You're like a shitty bowler.

You need to use the fucking bumpers because you may not be cool using bumpers, but at least you hit something.

I am one grilled cheese sandwich combo and a wiggle complation, a wiggles concert away from the best lobby toppy of my life.

Thank y'all so much.

Drew Nickens.

I don't know if I mentioned this before his set, but he suffered from a traumatic brain injury before.

How you doing, Drew?

I'm great.

How are you, Mr.

Tony?

Hell yeah.

You got a lot of energy.

How did that feel for you?

It felt okay.

It felt a little tongue-tied at the end, but I'm getting my pacing down.

I'm not just yelling, Reddit.

That's true.

Oh, talking directly.

Someone's been reading

the internet.

Not good, Drew.

No, my mom told me that.

She's like, you need to stop yelling.

Reddit is hammering you.

Oh, your mom reads Reddit?

Your mom told you that the internet is hammering you?

Yes.

That is hilarious.

Where's mom at?

She's in Washington.

Washington State.

Yep, absolutely.

What does she do?

She is an elementary elementary school teacher.

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Has she always done that?

Yeah, yeah, for about 20 years now.

She's almost ready to retire.

Okay, so what level is she teaching exactly?

So she fluctuates.

She'll go from third grade to fifth grade.

She'll loop, which means stays with the same students for two years.

Like, it just depends.

Right, right, right, right, right.

And what level are you at?

Level enough to fuck your mom.

Whoa, what the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that?

I can read it.

These people, you can't try.

All I do is help this fucking guy.

All I do is help him.

My mom told me that you suck too on the internet.

And meanwhile, what do I do?

I go, Drew, you got another minute?

Let's try.

Take your time.

Enunciate.

Fucking pace yourself.

And then you come out and you say, oh, fuck your mom, don't I?

What kind of fucking bullshit is everyone just take the knives out of my back i can read between the lines and your mom's legs what the fuck is going on what is going on are you threatening to fuck my 78 year old mother joy is gonna be upset with you yeah joy liked you before this drew

We can go to there's one more one more person posting on Reddit after this.

It's a 78-year-old out of Youngstown, Ohio.

Guys, what do you think about Drew Nickens?

I'm not asking you.

Are you guys insane?

No.

Lewis J.

K.

I think Drew is the sweetest fucking man on earth.

He's naturally a very funny guy.

He has a speech impediment and might be retarded.

But beyond that, I think he's fucking truly great.

I really like you, Drew.

You know that.

Thank you.

Jesus.

Joe?

This is my first time meeting or seeing Drew.

At first, I thought you had a traumatic injury of the funny bone, but then

you hit us with the fuck your mother stuff.

And now I'm like, okay, all right, now I can get on board.

But no, it was good.

Now you said you were watching the Special Olympics.

Are you sure the TV wasn't off and you're just looking at your reflection in the black screen?

There were females there.

There you go.

All right, Drew.

Well, way to get it started.

You did it.

We'll see you.

We'll see you some other time.

There goes Drew Nickin.

There goes Drew.

Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew.

Whoa, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, my goodness.

Drew scared her out of her slumber there.

Don't want to be backstage with Drew.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Okay, let the games begin, ladies and gentlemen.

This is the bread and butter of the show where we meet people.

They have no idea.

These people had no idea that they were even going on stage just minutes ago.

And now, the pressure of millions of people watching them is upon them.

One minute uninterrupted and then an interview going to your first bucket pool that goes by the name of Ike Gazarian, everybody.

Ike Gazarian.

I was born in Soviet Union.

Book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book.

My family moved to United States from Russia in 1998.

And out of all the cities in US, my homophobic father picked San Francisco.

There are only three types of people that live in San Francisco.

It's gays, Asians, and gay Asians.

My family moved here in 98, but in 2010 I moved back to Russia to do stand-up comedy there.

Moving from the United States to Russia to do comedy is a lot like moving from Canada to Afghanistan to play hockey.

It's a fucking terrible idea.

But I got to tell you, Russian comics are as tough as Russian soldiers.

They prefer bombing.

American comedy and Russian comedy are very different, but we do have one thing in common.

No one likes female comics.

Thank you guys so much.

My name is Aye Gazarian.

Ai Gazarian.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Thank you for having me, guys.

How we feeling?

Welcome to America.

How are you?

How long have you been here?

Since 1998.

Okay.

But I keep going back and forth to Russia a lot for comedy.

Why'd you say for comedy like that?

I was suspicious that you go there specifically to do comedy to help Russia fight you.

Yeah, that's what it felt like.

I voted for Trump.

I have a reason.

You did vote for Trump?

Fuck yeah.

That is so interesting.

I love it.

Okay.

Are we letting them vote?

I guess so.

I'm from California.

I voted twice the same day.

Fuck you.

Absolutely.

Thank you, guys.

How old are you, Ike?

I'm 41.

41.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Started doing Russian comedy in 2010.

Moved back in 13.

I own a Russian restaurant in San Diego.

Business is not doing very well after the war started.

Fucking Americans stopped coming.

What do you serve?

Like pierogies and stuff?

Yeah, pierogies, borscht.

You guys come over to Pushkin.

I'll take care of you.

Got an applause break for pierogies from Brian Redbay.

Nobody loves dough filled with shit more than dough filled with shit.

Unbelievable.

Incredible.

So what's the name of your Russian restaurant in San Diego?

It's called Pushkin.

Pushkin.

Almost like Putin, but...

Yeah, it's close.

It's close.

What else is going on there?

You got like hot Russian waitresses or anything?

My wife hires all the most beautiful girls to work there.

It's really tough.

It's tough to fuck somebody.

Yeah, it's...

Hell yeah.

A business not doing so well after the war.

And my Ukrainian employees hung a huge Ukrainian flag on the window.

And the Russians stopped coming also.

I need some more customers, goddammit.

Is it a hookah bar also, like a restaurant?

Yeah, if a hookah bar allows you to

see it.

I had to make it into a hookah bar because people stopped coming.

I think Russian hookah bar is fair because smoking is also bad for your health, just like Russia.

I'm starting to think that he's not a comic and he's just trying to advertise this restaurant.

Yeah, I think so.

Come to Pushkin, please.

Come to Pushkin.

It's got great reviews.

Wow, it really does.

You're sitting at a 4.3 with 1,109 reviews.

Nine years ago, read them.

Find me one of the one-star reviews.

There's a lot of five-stars, but I like to read the one-stars.

Yeah, they're younger than

that.

The worst customer service, very rude workers, not a welcoming environment, would not recommend.

We're Russia.

And then

Ike G responded, I'm sorry, but your review is a lie.

Fuck it, holy bad.

You were smoking same hookah for three hours.

There was nothing left in it.

My hookah chef asked you if you'd like a refill.

You refused.

You know, coals can't save a hookah that's been smoked for hours.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah work.

You can't smoke ashes.

Wow.

This is incredible.

Let's read another review of Pushkin.

Please, let's do it.

Came here to smoke hookah.

Worst customer service from the hookah server, not friendly at all.

He stated they have a rule that we have to change the hookah and make a refill after one hour because they have this rule, and it's not true.

He would not change the charcoal for us, and when he did, he only added one charcoal.

I would not recommend anyone to come here.

You feel very unwelcome.

I will never come back again.

Ike G responded.

I'm sorry, but your review is live.

Holy man!

You were smoking same hookah for three hours.

There was nothing left in it.

My hookah chef asked if you'd like a refill.

You refused.

You know, Kohl's can't save a hookah.

That's just

my copy paste.

I'm sorry you feel this way.

But you should learn how hookah works.

You can't smoke ashes.

I swear to God.

I'm not kidding, by the way.

It would be funny for me to just read the same response.

I swear to God, you could check these reviews.

Hold on.

Don't scroll.

Let me just...

Do one good review or something?

I'm losing customers here, man.

Okay, one-year review.

One year ago.

I and husband's experience here was absolutely awful with two exclamation points.

We came to this place looking at their Yelp reviews as we were in San Diego for celebrating our anniversary.

The pictures and the reviews are all so deceiving.

I wonder how they got all these nice reviews.

Let's start with the ambiance.

Nothing looks like the pictures.

We got such a negative energy from the moment we met the people at the entrance.

They were not welcoming at all.

Still, we went in because again, the Yelp reviews looked so good.

Went upstairs and got seated.

The entire time we were there, it literally felt like people,

all these people were here for a different reason.

You know what I mean?

Felt super uncomfortable.

The vibe was absolutely dead, and the music selection is awful.

Still out of court courtesy, we ordered two drinks and wanted a water with it.

Well, guess what?

You have to buy your water.

Yeah, it's California.

IG responded.

Everything you wrote here is a lie.

Including prices for water.

Managers do not yell.

This looks like an ad for werewolf.

You wrote that?

Fuck yeah.

Fuck werewolf.

I love that you respond.

I love that you respond.

I'm going to read just a couple more of these reviews.

Even though it looks like I could go...

Don't stop scrolling.

I could do this all night.

We could just keep you up here.

This could be

Ike Gazarian's episode.

Here's the review.

Small place.

Small portion.

Very expensive.

Not recommend this place.

Hookah smoke confuses appetite.

My friends.

Did you write your own review?

G

responded.

3,200 square feet of small place.

Large portion.

Hookah confuses at hookah lounge

very

interesting

oh this is the greatest shit ever in the history of the show I think we just found a new spin-off where we just have business owners come on and we read their

This is a complete lie by the way everybody.

Oh, it is not

Pushkin is spelled P-U-S-H-K-I-N lounge and bar in San Diego.

Oh, and we know.

I mean, we read your Yelp is thousands of reviews of strong,

almost a super solid five.

It was very hard to find the ones.

There's very few ones.

And your responses are unbelievable.

Thank you, Mr.

Tony.

So, one last one.

Seven months ago, one star.

The hookah server is horrible.

No manners and no customer service.

He is rude and asked us to change the hookah head after one hour of smoking or if he won't bring charcoal.

He said it's a rule here, but after speaking with the other server, he denied what he said.

It feels

wow, it feels that...

Oh, it feels that he is forced to work there.

I will never go back to that place.

His whole captive, they're Russians, they're used to that shit.

Ike G responded.

I'm sorry, you and your friend felt the need to leave two reviews.

You were smoking the same hookah for three hours.

There was nothing left in it.

My hookah chef asked if you like refill, you refuse.

You know, coals can't save a hookah that's been smoked for hours.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how how hookah work.

You can't smoke ashes.

You can't smoke ashes!

Wow.

Wow.

I mean, so interesting.

A wildly successful restaurant, it seems.

It was, yes.

I do stand-up comedy, you know.

And you lit the stage on fire.

Thank you, sir.

To the point to where we might need to change the charcoals, but

being told we're not allowed for another hour.

And unfortunately, we can't smoke ashes.

Do you ever smoke Ukrainian ashes?

Only before I go to sleep.

I love it.

Ike, what else do you do for fun?

What else about you?

You seem like a naturally, very funny guy.

I love writing a lot.

Is this your wife?

Yes.

Wow.

Right here on my chill on my t-shirt.

Oh my God.

Look at you represent.

Hell yeah.

She doesn't want you getting any pussy.

Look at that.

Babe, you wear a hoodie with my face on it.

That's how I get the pussy, by the way.

Oh, okay.

No, no, no, honey, of course not.

Oh, hell yeah.

You got 99 problems, but abortion one.

I love it.

I tour doing Russian comedy, American comedy.

I own the restaurant, and I just try to do as many mics, as many shows as possibly can.

And I do fucking well.

I mean,

and I'm lucky to be here.

Thank you so much for this opportunity.

This is amazing.

No doubt about it, Ike.

And I'll tell you, you're getting a big joke book.

Congratulations.

You did it.

There's nothing in it.

You have to write in it.

I don't know what you're looking for.

It's blank pages.

It's for you to write jokes in.

I appreciate that, Tony.

Did you think there was Yelp reviews in there?

I thought I have to write my name in it or something.

Ike, you did it.

That's what the show's all about.

Different people, different shapes, and sizes, and accents, and everything.

And you were very fun.

Congratulations, and thank you.

Ike Gazarian, everybody.

Thank you guys so much.

Pushkin, go to Pushkin in San Diego.

Show your support.

Eat pierogi, smoke hookah, don't stay too long

or else it'll burn out.

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Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name One Minute Uninterrupted for Matt Banwort.

Matt Banwart.

I have hand tremors.

It's a medical condition.

For me, every weight's a shake weight.

I want to go to California, experience an earthquake just so I can be steady, you know?

Everyone's like, what's happening?

I'm like, I don't know.

Sudden clarity?

It sucks, dude.

I can't go blind.

I'd read braille with a stutter, you know?

I would love to be deaf, man.

I'd be the first guy doing sign language in a serif font, you know?

Just.

Can you imagine getting bullied by the ASL community for your accent?

I don't don't want that.

I don't want to.

It sucks, dude.

I shake all the time.

It's been really bad the last three years.

I used to love soup.

I used to love chili.

Now I just,

yeah, now I just look chili, you know?

Thank you.

Yeah, man, I don't know.

I hate shaking, but my ex loved it.

Thank you, guys.

That's my time.

Matt.

Banward.

Am I saying that right?

Banwart?

You're nailing it, dude.

Absolutely.

I was wondering, because you kind of had bad handwriting.

Yeah,

and now I see why.

It makes perfect sense.

It's like a third grader with palsy.

It's bad.

Yeah.

When did have you've always had that?

I noticed it like junior year in high school, and it's just gotten kind of worse the last three years.

It's gotten pretty bad.

Maybe you should stop doing really nerve-wracking activities like this morning

in front of large groups of people.

You know, I think that's a contributing factor.

I think that is a part of it.

Yeah, I shake all the time.

It's rough.

Soup, sushi, my big two enemies.

Yeah, hard to operate chopsticks.

That's what you're saying.

I just got sushi the other day.

I was doing them with both hands, and though, again, just getting bullied by the staff was embarrassing.

Yeah.

I was like, give me a fork.

I don't care.

Right.

And what did they say?

I couldn't understand them.

You disrespect us.

You dropped it right.

I was just thrilled to be there.

All right.

Were you on a date or something?

No, I was.

I was out with my friends.

Right.

Yeah, I don't know.

Okay.

My love life's not exciting.

Really?

A little bit.

I don't know.

Huh, interesting.

All right.

Edward vibrator hands.

I thought it would be good.

I thought you'd be like Michael J.

Fucks or something.

You know what I mean?

No, I got a quick.

I was seeing this girl.

We went on like four or five dates.

We weren't exclusive yet.

She was like, you should come see me at this bar.

She texted me.

I was like, I'll be there in five minutes.

She goes, all right.

See you soon.

I walk in and she's like making out with another guy.

And I was like, oh, that's okay.

I'm fine.

And

I live.

I took a photo of it and I sent it to her.

And I was like, well, I think you're good.

And she goes, that wasn't me.

And I was like, you have a cast on

and you sent me your outfit before you went out.

that would be crazy if it wasn't you was it a clear picture or was it all shaky

you make a great point

I'd imagine you're one of the worst photographers in the history of human civilization what else

Lewis we should have him go fight the Ukrainians in Russia

you never know when I'm gonna throw one you know it's kind of oh hell yeah all right bringing a miss.

Yeah, absolutely.

So what else do you do?

I just stand-up comedy.

That's what you do for a living?

It is, yeah.

Okay.

How long have you been doing it?

Today is actually my nine-year anniversary.

Today is my nine-year-old today.

Where have you been doing it at for nine years?

The first four were in Iowa.

My first open mic was in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and then Chicago for like four years and here for the last year.

Okay.

When you were in Chicago, did you ever visit the bean?

Tony, how could I not know about the bean?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

It haunts you.

It's unbelievable.

Oh, Tony, it's a phenomenal landmark, dude.

Huge fan of the bean.

Okey-dokey.

All right there, shaky hands, Jenkins.

Let's just keep this interview going.

What did you do for work before being able to depend completely on stand-up comedy?

Yeah, I did a...

You made martinis at a bar or something like that?

Spoiler alert, not stirred.

No,

I briefly did digital marketing.

I did digital marketing.

You did that on a keyboard with a computer?

XR, X-R-T-T-T-T-T, L-L-L-L-L.

Fuck.

This job fucking sucks.

I use voice to text to text people, and it fucking sucks.

I can't swear.

It's just four.

It's like, I'll be like, fuck, and it's just four star, star, star, star, star.

Yeah.

I just swear like a third grader on the phone, it's bad.

Right.

Are you ducking serious?

Red band.

Okay.

Okay.

Is your favorite band the Alabama Shakes?

No, Shaky Graves.

There you go.

All right.

Have you considered being a hands-in-the-pocket comedian?

No.

Well, what would he have to possibly talk about if he did that?

I've got more.

I could talk about other stuff.

No, I know.

I'm just kidding around.

I'm kidding around.

How about hobbies?

What do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

Oh, man.

Well, I'm a wicked good sprinter.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

I'll race anyway.

My 40-meter dash is like unparalleled.

What is it?

Whatever you want it to be.

No.

I don't think that's how it works.

I think I ran a 4-3.

Really?

No, that's a lie.

If I ran a 4-3, I'd be at the NFL right now.

I would not be doing this.

That's a weird thing to lie about.

You said you're really great at something.

I'm a good sprinter.

I've never timed my 40.

It's glorious that you think you can just be fast and be in the NFL.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We have this super fast kicker that can't kick.

But it is a good thing to have when you're being chased by homeless people in Austin, Texas.

So, Matt, other than sprinting, do you have any other hobbies or anything else that you do other than stand-up comedy?

I collect football cards.

I'm a huge Iowa State sports fan.

There's not a lot of us.

And

I collect Hakeem Butler rookie cards.

He's my favorite player in the league.

And he's not in the league.

He got drafted, but never played.

So I collect all of his rookie cards because they don't cost anything.

He's the only guy I can afford.

Okay.

I'm his biggest fan.

All right, Matt, Red Band, does silencing your phone work?

What do you mean by that?

I mean, like, if he silences his phone, does he feel it?

If I put it on vibrate, it just balances out.

Right.

Oh.

Yeah, that's a reach.

Don't know why I checked in with you there.

Jesus.

Okay, Matt.

I feel like there's probably something more interesting about your life.

What are your, do you have any siblings that have this shaky disorder?

Your family?

Is it genetic?

What do doctors actually say to you?

Have you gotten it checked out?

Yeah, I've gone on MRIs, gotten, I've had medication for it.

It doesn't really work.

I mean, it kind of.

What kind of medication did they give you?

It's propraninol.

I don't know.

That's the stuff.

It doesn't really do anything, though.

It just kind of makes me...

tired.

It's like a beta blocker, so it just makes me not feel happy.

Yeah.

Kind of a downer, isn't it?

Yeah.

Alcohol help?

That's Red Band's answer to everything.

Does alcohol help?

I wished.

It does not.

I drink a lot.

It might actually be a contributing factor.

That makes sense.

Yeah, you might just really need a drink.

Do you have one?

I'd love one.

All right.

Well,

I'm going to have to go buy one after this.

Matt, I like your style.

You're getting a big joke book.

Thank you, man.

If you catch it, that is.

The moment of truth.

Wow, amazing.

Matt Van Wart, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

First shaky hands comedian that wasn't made a golden ticket winner in the history of the show.

All right, your next bucket full goes by the name of Jeffree Lee, everyone.

60 seconds uninterrupted.

Make some noise for Jeffree Lee, everyone.

Yeah, I'm uh I'm doing van life, ladies and gentlemen, and uh it's going pretty good.

But one downside is um

sometimes you get woken up by the police

and uh that's unfortunate, you know.

And it went kind of like this: uh

knock knock

who's there.

It's the police.

It's the police who,

what are you homeless

wakes me up

Well you had to knock didn't you

That's my one defense in not being homeless ladies and gentlemen.

I'm a high-functioning homeless

Got a gym membership?

I mean, what do you want from me, people?

All right.

Okay,

Jeffree Lee.

Homeless with a gym membership, living in a van.

That's pretty much everybody's interview.

Oh.

Not usually their minute.

You just stated a bunch of obvious facts that we already knew.

Have you been on this show before?

Yeah, one time.

Yeah.

I remember you.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Dee's leaving.

He's seen enough.

Dude, you made Dee leave.

Yeah.

Okay.

So,

Joe Liss, what do you think about this guy?

Well, you ended your set with what do you want from me?

And I think I speak for everyone I'm with, and I say, a punchline.

Yeah, you're really...

Have you been doing stand-up?

Yeah.

Where?

Well, I'm actually a little rusty.

I've only been hitting a couple mics here and there sparingly.

I started a new job, but what's the new job?

I'm doing a door guy thing, so I'm just making the adjustments.

What's door guy?

Where are you a door guy?

On 6th Street here.

Yeah.

It's a bar.

Okay.

I'm just, you know, letting people in.

Right.

With all of that charisma.

Yeah.

It's all right.

It's all right.

You're a bouncer?

You're funk up, huh?

You're a bouncer?

I don't really have to do that part.

I work day shift on purpose.

You work day shift at a bar on purpose and you still aren't doing stand-up at night i'm doing a little bit but not not enough yeah you're definitely definitely not doing enough yeah yeah is this like a heaven themed bar where they have like a jesus guy out front it's like come in my child

homeless jesus says you may enter

No, it's just a regular old hole-in-the-wall bar, you know.

Right.

All right.

Most interesting thing that has happened to you living this life of bars during the day, Jeffree Lee.

You must have seen something crazy or interesting or funny, perhaps, at all.

Live on a comedy show.

I'm sorry, dude.

It's just very mundane.

It's just the same homeless people over and over again.

And that gets a little depressing, to be honest.

I wish I weren't brought up working.

Having a job sucks.

Okay.

You're really bumming me out, dude.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, Jesus Christ, I have to say it.

Yeah.

You ever get a girl back to your van?

In Austin?

No.

Where were you before Austin?

Well,

Ohio, Illinois,

Wisconsin a little bit, which were things going better for you there?

I got a warrant there.

Now we're talking.

Who would guess a guy look like that being persecuted

Unbelievable

just for some cannabis, you know what I'm saying?

No, we know

We know you're stating a lot of obvious things You had a warrant for a burning bush

All right, well Jeffrey, here's a little joke book, dude.

Wait, you probably got one last time, right?

I got a big joke book last time.

No way.

How the fuck did that happen?

I mean, I can be pretty funny.

What was the joke that you did last time?

You were on, do it again, just do it with confidence.

Look out there to the crowd and do it.

For the love of God, Jeffrey, fucking do something.

You've done nothing.

It's been four minutes and 45 seconds.

Well, this guy looks like fucking Jesus a little, but just fucking do it, Jeffrey, for the love of goddamn God.

Your father.

For the love of your father.

Well, folks, to get a little personal,

I suffer from extreme ED.

European depiction.

Is that it?

Are you waiting?

Are you like pausing?

Are you thinking?

Are you writing it right now?

What is happening?

What did you do before this?

You see, you got to give him a little time, Tony.

Oh, didn't mean to break up your brilliant comedic pacing.

I'm watching people put guns in their mouths in the crowd.

Little did we know the punchline is right around the corner.

How silly of me to think that you ran out of gas there.

I was pulling something out.

Here we go.

Are you still bad?

No, no.

Okay, there he goes, everybody.

Jeffrey Lee.

Jesus fucking Christ.

All right.

Put that mic stand back on the X.

Thank you.

There he goes.

Jeffree Lee.

There he goes.

Oh, Jesus Christ almighty.

How did he get a big chokebook?

Oh,

I have no idea.

I must have been in a hell of a good mood that night.

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All right, your next bucket poll has been on this show numerous times before.

This is the return of Ali Musa, everybody.

Ali Musa is back.

Hell yeah.

So I love downtown Austin, you guys.

It's amazing.

I see the most wild shit.

Like the other week, I saw a homeless boy band, you guys.

I'm serious.

No, it was a group of homeless dudes all singing a song together like a boy band, like really fucking well.

So I walked up to him and I was like, holy shit, it's the Fenton all five.

Kick ass.

Then one of them corrected me.

He was like, actually, we're the crack street boys.

I was like, fair enough.

And he started heating up a spoon to exactly 98 degrees.

I was like, what the fuck?

Then I got flashed by the same homeless lady three times in the same night.

At first, it was funny, but by the third time, I was pissed off because we locked eyes and she just starts laughing at me.

And she kind of sounded like Beavis.

She's like, yeah, yeah, I got him again.

Something about her laugh just triggered me.

So I saw a cop and I waved him over and I was like, excuse me, officer, you see that lady right there?

She won't stop flashing me.

And I swear to God, you guys, he just looks at me and goes, Yeah,

that's Denise.

And then he walked away.

All right, thank you.

Allie Musa, solid set, laughs the whole way through.

Almost made us completely forget about Jeffree Lee, who was just up here minutes ago.

It's incredible.

We went from Jesus to the devil that fast.

Here he is, everybody.

100%.

The dark lord Lucifer has arrived.

Speaking of darkness, D-Madness is back.

All right on, Q.

You are what you see.

Pure darkness.

The great D-Madness.

Allie, that was a great set,

especially for what we've seen before, I feel like, right?

Feel like that was your best set?

Yeah, it was one of the best sets.

This is like the sixth time on.

You've been working hard?

Yeah, I get up almost every night.

You look like it.

Yeah.

You look like you're exhausted.

You're a very funny-looking funny-looking guy.

You're aware of this.

Yeah.

Incredible.

How's life been going?

It's been good, interesting.

You know, just trying to work my way up the ranks of Austin comedy is definitely

boring.

Tell us what that's like.

Give us an example for the people watching at home.

I mean, you know.

How many years have you been doing it?

13 years.

And how many years here in Austin?

Three years.

Right.

So go ahead.

I mean, there's stage time everywhere.

You can go to any open mic.

You know,

trying to, I've done the mothership mic numerous times.

You know, Sunset Strip I do all the time.

Red Vance Club is amazing.

Yeah.

I do that punchline at the pole show all the time.

I do, I probably get on stage eight to twelve times a week, travel back to Arizona, headline some bars, and here we are.

And that's where you're from, Arizona.

I'm from Arizona, yeah.

Absolutely.

Yep.

And your ethnicity, remind us again exactly what you have to have running through your veins to have a face like that.

Yeah.

Libyan.

Ah,

yeah.

Libyan.

Cue the Qaddafi jokes, the back to the future terrorists, all that good shit.

We've already done all that.

This is your sixth time on the show.

So what's changed in your life recently, Ali?

Anything different since the last time you were on?

No, I just literally, I'm boring as shit.

I do stand-up every single day just trying to make it in this business.

That's about it, you know?

Yeah.

I know you wish I had some wild story, but what time do you wake up?

Like 10 or 11.

And what do you do when you first wake up?

I do Uber Eats delivery.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So that's all I do is stand up and Uber Eats and barely get by.

Yeah.

But you love it.

I do love it, yeah.

You're very happy.

I don't know about that, but

let's take it easy there, Lewis.

I feel like the issue today is that everyone here is so unlikable and their families didn't want them home for the holidays.

That's what's happening.

So everyone back there is just some fucking boring fucking asshole.

We're like, all right, dude, another person we don't want to spend time with.

Yeah.

I feel like your family doesn't celebrate Christmas, though.

More like 9-11, am I correct?

100%.

Well, I'm actually half white, so I was raised Muslim because of my father.

So we would secretly celebrate Christmas.

How would you do it in secret?

Like my dad would like hide the Christmas tree when the Muslim family would come over.

They could only sing Silent Night?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

so it was interesting all right what's your love life like Ali Musa um I was seeing a girl for a while but she lived all the way in big spring so it was too far of a commute to do all the time okay I met her at a comedy show I headlined a Mexican restaurant where I bombed and she was the only person enjoying it in the crowd so we connected that way and then here we are so tell us about that night you bomb in a Mexican restaurant she's laughing the whole time how do you get to say hello to her?

Do you go right up to her and go, Jesus, thank you for laughing.

Yeah, well, I was like doing the crowd work shit, just talking to her the whole time, like, fuck everyone else.

It's just me and you here.

And then we exchanged numbers, started talking, started hanging out.

She's come to Austin a few times.

I've gone to her.

No wonder you bombed.

You did a date

on stage.

Yeah.

Incredible.

100%.

I said, fuck the show.

Let's just, let's do this.

What's your living situation being an Uber Eats delivery driver?

I'm proud to say I actually live by myself, which is shocking for comedians.

Yeah.

They all have 17 roommates.

I live in a real fucked up apartment complex.

We talked about that before.

Yeah.

Where I've almost been shot by the police there.

It's almost burnt down twice.

That makes sense.

Yeah, it's pretty wild.

All right.

Well, Allie, you've been on the show numerous times.

You know what?

I'd love to have you back at the secret show.

Oh, hell yeah.

There you go.

Much like Christmas.

There goes Allie and Musa, everybody.

Let's get some new names out here.

Let's see what happens here.

Maybe, I don't know if this is new or not.

Make some noise.

A minute uninterrupted for Anthony Walton, everybody.

Anthony Walton.

We've seen Anthony before.

Howdy.

I don't have any kids, so to make sure that happens, I like to practice extra safe sex.

That's when I pull out and come in a dude.

That was just a joke.

To any gays in the audience, sorry for the stolen valor.

My parents had me at an old age where the doctor told my mom that she should get an abortion because I was going to come out blind, deaf, and retarded.

His words.

Instead, I came out half blind, half deaf, and I'm pretty sure I'm autistic.

I can't afford the test, so I'm taking everyone else's word for it.

Hell yeah.

I got called out recently by my cousin.

He was like, man, you cry harder over celebrity deaths than you do for grandma.

And I was like, well, did grandma put out seven platinum albums?

I don't think so.

Grandma just called me gay.

Anthony Walton, been on the show before?

It seemed like a good set for you.

Yeah, it was pretty fun.

It was great.

Yeah.

How long you been on stand-up?

Seven years.

Wow.

And thanks to you, man.

Why?

Thanks to me.

You're the first headliner I saw at like

2019 at Dallas Hyenas.

Yep.

And he gave me like the best advice when I asked, like, I wanted to start stand-up comedy.

And they're just like, just go out and do a mic.

Just go do it.

And that's the advice I give everyone else who does it.

Wow.

Look at you.

It's been a fucking shit.

One of the funniest Mexican chipmunks I've ever seen.

Joe List.

Well, now I'm mad at Tony from getting this guy into stand-up.

Yeah, just kidding.

It's what I do.

It happens.

It happens.

I tell everybody the same thing.

Go do it.

It's pretty easy.

The fact that open mics are free is an unbelievable blessing that no other industry has.

Lewis J.

Gomez.

He said, go do an open, that's not like good advice.

That's just like, get out of my face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, do you do an open mic right now?

You're annoying me.

Stop talking to me.

Yeah.

No, you smoked me and my friends out, and that was like, cool.

I did.

I was so nice in 2019.

You remember those days?

I was like a real human being.

Okay.

That's fun.

Oh, yeah.

Near the staircase there at the hyenas.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

I used to do that.

There's really nowhere else to go.

They don't have an actual green room at that hyenas,

or else

they never would have met me.

Yeah.

One of the only comedy clubs in the country without a green room.

They have one now, I was informed.

I don't know.

They built one.

But yeah, the owner told me

when I was at a theater in Dallas just a few months ago.

Tony, did you have a stroke?

What was that?

No, I blanked out and I forgot Randy's name.

Randy is the owner of the hyenas in Dallas.

So do you still live in Dallas or do you live here?

No, I moved down here in May.

What do you love about Austin, Texas?

The fucking comedy scene, man.

It's fucking beautiful.

I love it.

What's something crazy that's happened to you here in Austin?

It's a wild town.

It's very alive.

Doing this, doing the open mic in the small room, but like

the homeless are pretty crazy out here too.

That's just at a later.

There seems to be a theme here tonight where I'm asking people what's crazy about their lives.

They go, just doing comedy, and there's homeless people.

Well, it's like a lady thing.

Is there anything else other than tonight?

Like what you saw outside, homeless, and comedy inside?

Not some lady taking a shit in the street, but that's normal.

Pretty much the same theme.

All right.

Anthony, Anthony, Anthony.

What do you do for fun?

Oh, man.

I love going to concerts and wrestling shows.

Okay.

You've done that recently here?

Yeah, there was a metal show I went called like Animals as Leaders.

Oh, Michael, you know about animals as Big Mike knows about animals as leaders.

Big Mike as of last week is his new name.

All right.

You ever do any music yourself?

Ah, man.

I tried to like, I play decent guitar, and I tried to do like metal vocals like I wanted to be a vocalist.

You do well great.

Let's play some metal music.

Let's hear some vocals.

Anthony Walton.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Live from the comedy mothership.

Just this, kill Delby.

Let's have 30.

15

I swear to God, if this show doesn't pick up, I'm gonna bring Ike Gazarian back here.

We're gonna read Yelp reviews for the rest of the fucking night.

There he goes.

Did you get a big joke book before?

Never before?

There you go, buddy.

Congratulations.

There he goes, Anthony Walton.

I'm barely kidding, by the way.

I swear to God, two more bad comedians in a row.

Go track down Ike Gazarian.

Have him on deck.

Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Davey Jackson.

What's up, y'all?

It's good to be here looking like a disgraced youth pastor.

I'm happy to be here.

I just got back from Atlanta, y'all.

Weird place.

A lot of black people.

Yeah, I did find out that all the black men in Atlanta are gay, which was weird.

Yeah, but also all the white people are on drugs in Atlanta.

So it's like this weird racist freaky Friday.

Like, what the fuck did Tyler Perry do to that town?

Is what I want to know.

But all those gay black dudes are still gangsters.

They're gangsters.

Fuck, boy.

They stole my car and my heart in Atlanta.

They fucking.

They got me.

Yeah.

A lot of people say once you go black, you never go back.

All right.

I like Mexican women.

Yeah, yeah.

I like to say once you go Mexican, you never rest again.

Because you have to sleep with one eye open because they will stab you.

They'll do that.

Once you go Latina, you're going to get a subpoena.

You will end up in court.

That's just kind of how that works.

I'm Davey Jackson.

Thank y'all.

Davey Jackson, good set.

Great stuff.

We know for a fact from your appearances appearances on this show before that you indeed have been stabbed by a Mexican woman.

I have, yeah.

I've also gone black before.

Yeah.

How did that go for you?

I got gonorrhea, so that was pretty fucking cool.

Wow.

Was that her name?

Or

you ever hook up with good old Chlamydia Jenkins?

There we go.

I believe she plays for one of the WNBA teams.

That's a man, baby.

There you go.

Davey Jackson.

Welcome back to the show.

What's been going on?

So much.

I actually just met Kyle Rittenhouse.

Okay.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah.

Actually, a really sweet guy.

Yeah.

Damn right.

Such a nice dude.

Where'd you meet him at?

I met him at a party.

I was talking about having a breeding.

Was it a Republican party?

Yeah.

A lot of guns and skateboards involved.

Pretty fucking cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

That seems safe.

Yep.

I mean,

there's less safe ways to meet Kyle Hitt Rittenhouse from what I've heard.

Yeah.

Yeah, you fuck with his town.

That's right.

Yeah, it was pretty cool, though.

He apparently also has a breeding kink, so that was fun.

We just talked about coming in, ladies, so that was.

Really?

Yeah, it was cool.

Yeah.

He was a nice guy.

Tell us more about that.

How does a conversation like that start and go down?

I was really just talking to some buddies about how I was worried that I have a breeding kink.

And I heard a young voice behind me go, Me too.

Yeah.

And Kyle Rittenhouse walked around my left side, and I was like, oh, fuck.

And

he had a little golden retriever with him.

He did, actually.

Yeah.

No, he has a very skinny golden retriever.

He's friends with David Lucas.

Oh, yeah.

That makes sense, actually, for David.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That tracks.

Checks out.

Yeah, he does love hanging around white bitches.

Oh, not my boy Kyle.

No, no, he's all right.

He's okay.

Rogan did make fun of his dog in the green room one night.

Why was it so skinny?

Because as Rogan called out,

he goes, you got it.

He goes, you got your dog neutered, huh?

And he's like, yeah.

He goes, I can tell.

Yeah, Marshal, which is like one of the, which is, by the way, if you're wondering, from me, a roaster or whatever, right?

That is one of the coldest disses that I've ever seen a human land on another human.

Just I can tell.

Your dog's a pussy.

It really kind of is.

Like, it's a

kind of like an underdeveloped golden retriever.

Very skinny.

It looks very, very anemic.

Leave him alone, dude.

Yeah, it's a sad dog.

You would think if someone was going to put him down, it would be Kyle Richard.

Jesus.

But obviously, he loves.

Execute the golden retriever.

Art, art, art, art.

Incredible.

He just put a little.

There it is.

Actually,

Joe Liz doesn't know me, but I'm actually familiar with Joe.

Okay.

Yeah,

you and Mark Norman talked about me on your podcast one time.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In what capacity?

Well,

Mark secured some Xanax one time.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, yeah.

From you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

That also tracks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Y'all talked about it on Tuesdays with stories.

What did I say anything bad?

You look mad at me.

Oh, no, no, I'm not mad.

All right.

I don't really know you.

I'm just going to...

Kyle, come out here real quick.

No.

Huh?

No, no.

No, you rightfully called me a piece of shit for giving him Xanax.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Yeah, no.

He was telling you the story and you said that they were probably laced with fentanyl, which...

Did I say that?

Yeah.

Well, maybe something along those lines.

I don't think I said that.

Well, you know, we can go back and listen.

Wow.

Pull up my podcast.

Let's review the tape.

Let's review the tape.

One star, you cannot smoke ash.

Let's go back to breeding kink for a second because I've never even heard of such a verbiage of something before.

I think everybody doesn't, isn't it just human to want to come inside of something?

I mean, yeah, probably, but like, I like one guy over there who's never thought about it.

What?

What the fuck?

Wait, you can do that, dude?

Fucking unbelievable.

Meanwhile, the Puerto Rican guy with a Puerto Rican of himself on a Puerto Rican shirt of himself is like, I don't even know what the fuck pulling out is, dude.

This fucking guy.

Christ, is that Walmart riffraff?

What the fuck is is happening?

Holy shit.

It is unbelievable.

But does the breeding kink, is that you want them to be pregnant or you just want to come in them?

That's what I'm confused by.

It's a little bit of both, but I mean, I fuck Mexican women, so they're going to get pregnant.

They're immune to plan B, apparently.

So when you say you have a breeding kink, does that mean like,

I mean,

can you help us?

I just, I like the idea of getting a woman pregnant.

Okay.

Right, yeah.

Right.

But that's very dangerous in Texas, as we know.

Have you done it before?

Have you gotten women pregnant?

How many abortions are under your belt or her belt?

You say abortion?

Like an even half dozen.

You went over time limit.

Do you put holes in your own condom?

Me?

No, no, no, no, absolutely not.

I have had a woman poke holes in one before, though.

Right.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Those Mexican women will stab anything.

Okay,

so

if you had to guess how many abortions you have under your belt.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry, mom.

It's going to be at least three that I know of.

Wow.

Three that you know of.

I'm a piece of shit.

You were right.

You were right, Joe.

I feel terrible.

I don't even know who you are.

You seem like a nice guy.

You're giving out drugs.

You're paying for abortions.

If you had to guess how many abortions you don't know of and totaled them up, how big would this family of fallen angels be?

Fuck.

I mean, honestly, not enough because I've got to have at least one or two kids out there.

So

incredible.

Do we have an abortion sound effect?

Can you go to, what do we got here?

That's a very late-term abortion.

There it is.

It has arrived to the heavens.

Oh, and a fart.

Wow.

I guess that's a side effect of whatever they give you for abortions.

Oh,

oh, Red Band.

Red Band, that's too much.

It's too much, Redben.

Oh, the crowd goes wild.

Damn.

Red Band is on fire.

An incredible

set of noises for

the abortion.

Wow.

I can't believe you did that.

That is...

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Was that a circular song?

Okay, we're having a lot of fire.

A vacuum cleaner would be perfect.

Okay, where's your victory thing?

You deserve it.

You deserve it after that.

Red Ban on the soundboard.

There it is, right here, right here.

Hey, Red Band.

Wow.

Red Band is a natural Beethoven on this iPad.

It is absolutely incredible.

That was a true journey.

Have you ever taken a woman to get an abortion?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have.

And what is that drive like for you exactly?

Real funny.

Well,

yeah, it's very quiet, typically speaking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not a fun time.

I mean, it's a great time.

Internally, I'm celebrating, obviously, but externally, you have to look sad.

Like, you just have to kind of maintain that.

Yeah, you have to play it cool, right?

Absolutely.

Do any moments stand out to you, pre- or post-abortion?

One of them happened literally right after I had a threesome.

Yeah.

You got a double abortion.

No, no.

Thank oh fuck.

That would have been so expensive.

Holy shit.

Well, it would have been twice as expensive as one abortion.

Yeah, but it was it was kind of like a high moment for me and then a really low moment right after.

So it was just a roller coaster, an emotional roller coaster.

If you would have put the girl on a roller coaster, she wouldn't need an abortion.

That's so true.

You're right about that.

In retrospect, I should have just...

That is a good point.

So you had a threesome and you came inside of one of the girls.

Right.

Yeah.

And would you have come inside of the other girl if you would have been inside of her at the time?

Oh,

no, no, huh.

She didn't seem like mom material, if I'm being real.

So, okay, now we're getting somewhere.

This is what I look for every episode is a moment of an interview where it's like, finally, some fresh meat, something new.

So this breeding kink where you want to get a woman pregnant, part of it is based on the fact that she might make a good mother, even though you don't want her to actually have the baby.

The part that turns you on is that she seems like she would be a good mother.

Absolutely.

And sometimes you do this with a woman that you met that night.

This feels like an SAT question.

It's more like an STD question.

There it is.

But sometimes it's a one-night stand.

Oh, this woman who's obviously had many abortions can't take any more of this.

She's crying and leaving, stumbling her way out.

I think I just saw a baby fall out of her pocket.

Okay.

She's pretty hot.

I'd pay for one for her.

Oh, my goodness.

That is the sound of, oh my God.

That is the sound of an angry woman that's had many abortions leave her.

Ho, ho, ho.

What?

Where did Santa come from?

Oh my goodness.

Another baby down the chimney.

There they go.

All right.

Okay.

What was my question?

I don't even remember anymore.

So, okay, so sometimes you'll meet a woman, right?

And you'll like hook up with her that night.

And if she seems what makes a woman seem maternal to you, a guy who obviously didn't have a real mom in your life, whoa,

holy shit, you did, uh, yeah, yeah, no, loving mother, very, yeah, very much.

So, she homeschooled me all the way through high school.

He alluded to his mother watching the show.

You see, this okay, okay, right.

Wow,

we are finding out a lot right now.

So, a very close connection with your mother.

Some would say to I still kiss her on the lips.

It's fine.

You do.

We all do.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Because we're good sons.

No, he's saying that he kisses your mom on the lips.

Yeah.

I misunderstood that.

Fuck you.

That was.

That was a think piece of a joke.

Okay.

Wow.

This is just incredible to me.

So does your mom know that you love coming inside of Mexican women?

Ah, fuck.

I hope not.

Do you think she would still kiss you directly on the lips if she does?

I mean, I'm not coming in my own mouth, Tony.

So, yeah, she would still kiss me on the lips, I feel like.

That can be fun.

Okay.

Just kidding.

Davey Jackson, very fun interview.

Great stuff.

You already have a big joke book.

Yes, sir.

On to the next one.

There he goes, Davey Jackson.

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A lot of returns of people that have been on this show before.

A lot, a lot, a lot.

Let's see what happens here.

This looks like a newer name.

Oh, the lovely Heidi.

All this talk of...

All this talk of breeding.

And here comes Heidi right on queue.

All right, your next bucket pull.

This looks like a new name, which is very exciting to me at this point.

Make some noise for Toddy Tyndall, everybody.

Toddy Tyndall.

So I was man in the door at an establishment here on 6th Street with a fatty deterrent system in place.

And as I stood at the bottom of them stairs, gorgeous young thing come to me with a little spaghetti strap, silky number on with no bra and half her ass hanging out.

And she is of age, so I sit her up them stairs and might have inadvertently found myself gazing up upon her undercarriage.

And it held my gaze a little longer than I anticipated.

And in those 20 seconds, I could tell you with absolute certainty that she is not one of those butthole bleach bitches.

And also, she has some dynamite pussy.

I seen a little white fuse sticking out of her panties.

And a week later, this chunky young thing with 50 pounds of fupa tucked into a mini skirt, Cobble X's too small, decides she's going to stop halfway up them stairs and throw the ass back for the world to see.

It was fucking horrendous.

She had no panties on.

I thought I was looking at a bulldog eating bologna.

It was fucking gross.

Somebody obviously had lit her fuse.

Oh, you were looking at me.

You were done.

I'm directing things, making the whole show happen.

Toddy Tyndall, everybody.

Okay.

Well, let's just jump right into it, Joe List.

Did you eat a bees nest right before you came out?

What?

You do have somewhat of what one would almost call some kind of

accent or impediment or something.

Do you know about this?

I need a drink.

Your mouth is dry.

Yes, sir.

I haven't drank this one yet.

Give him a little sip of that water there.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

This guy's mouth is...

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

So you were working a door at a bar and a woman went up the stairs with no underwear on and had a big vagina.

That's basically what you were saying.

It was ugly, yes, sir.

Wow, you sound totally fine now.

Amazing.

Okay, so let's get right into it, Toddy.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Three months.

Three months.

All of it here in Austin, Texas?

Yes, sir.

Is this where you're from?

All on 6th Street.

No, sir.

I moved from Carlsbad, New Mexico.

You moved from Carlsbad, New Mexico.

How long ago did you move?

September, Labor Day.

Okay.

So you came to Austin to start stand-up.

Yes, sir.

And how's that?

How old are you?

47.

40 The album.

40 The album.

Louis J.

Gomez.

Speaking of which, Labor Day is the last comic's favorite holiday.

That is true because women go into labor.

I would have said his least favorite holiday because he has nothing but abortions.

But it works out either way obviously was not funny

I'm trying up here folks

okay so I love it Toddy Tyndall what made you want to start stand-up comedy at the sweet age of 47 I had just been wanting to forever and I had just lost my job right as a good friend of mine had a room for it and

I was like what the hell I love it what was your job I was working oil field.

Okay, and how did you lose that job?

The company I was working for lost the contract.

Okay.

But you were good?

You were good at working in oil?

No, I didn't like it.

Why didn't you like it?

Oh my God, it just sucked.

I spent 15, not 15 years, 10 years of my life on a boat.

I worked offshore for a long time.

Oh, okay.

Joe List.

I hope the company finds the contract.

So he gets the job back and stops doing stand-up.

It's the joke I was going for.

There we go.

If you explain it, you just got to explain it.

So Toddy Tyndall, is that your real name?

My name's Todd.

I love it.

I love it.

Your real last name Tyndall?

Yes, sir.

Todd Tyndall.

Look at you.

Okay, so let's talk about it.

What have you been doing your whole life other than working in the oil field?

You have any kids?

Are you gay?

I am not gay.

Your S's are.

Stop it.

You sound like a real man until you hit those S's.

Oh, my God.

I'm 47.

No, I don't care.

I was working in the oil field.

You don't notice that?

That little fucking gas leak you got going on in there?

You don't notice that little fucking...

I don't play for that team, but they love me.

Oh my God, I'm not a husband getting hit on by men, Douglas Dosten.

What?

Did you just say your husband gets hit on by men?

Have another sip of that fucking water, Todd.

Have another sip of that water.

You're getting gayer and gayer.

Your mouth dries up and you're fucking.

This guy gets gay by the second.

It's absolutely incredible.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

So the gay men love you.

How do you know the gay men love you?

Do they tell you this after you fuck them in the ass?

No, I was called a beautiful man just a few days ago by another man.

Uh-huh.

You were called the beautiful mind.

Where was this at?

Where did this guy call you a beautiful man?

I presently work the door at Poor Choices.

Oh, wow.

So So you work the door at the bar in which people sign up and are stationed for this show.

My fucking night off, and there I was again.

There it is.

Tonight was your night off, and you're inside of Poor Choices.

Get my balls busted on Kill Tony.

Yep.

I bet you wish they would.

Just out here getting my balls boosted.

Incredible, Todd.

So what do you do for fun?

You seem like a man with many hobbies.

Like, yeah, I bet you have your own little like train set or something like that.

No, I'm a reptile, not erection, aficionado.

You're a what?

A reptile.

I like reptiles.

I captain bred pythons for a decade.

I sold my reptile business to move here.

You had a reptile business.

I did.

Incredible.

So like, uh, do you ever put a snake in your bed?

Oh, yeah, plenty of times.

No, but seriously.

No, not like that.

No.

Right.

What's the craziest thing that's happened to you with these reptiles?

Getting bit by big snakes and screaming like a little girl with a skin knee.

Dude, I know it must be weird coming from me,

but bro, I got news for you, dude.

You're gay, bro.

We are gonna figure this out tonight, Toddy.

I got news for you, dude.

This is a very special talent that I have.

Your gay dar is strong.

It is unbelievable.

I have to be on the defense at all times.

I cannot drop my keys or anything around people like you.

You just said that

you got bibas.

I mean, it is just blatant.

It is blatant.

Have you ever tried being with a man?

No, I have not.

Jill list.

Have you ever dealt with a reptile dysfunction?

Oh.

Oh, that's not a new one, buddy.

I've heard that many a times.

Oh, I bet you've heard all the reptile jokes.

Why don't you do some for us?

Oh, no, just that one.

Oh, okay.

That's about it.

I thought you'd have more in the tank.

No, I do not.

No.

All right.

So I have

five kids from four different women.

Whoa.

All right, David Lucas.

Slow down.

So I am not gay.

You have five kids from four different women.

You have a breeding kink.

This is a breeding kink themed show all of a sudden.

There are dudes just blasting, just raw dogging it.

Wow.

My pull-out game is trash.

Incredible.

Incredible.

So,

okay.

All these kids are in Arizona?

Oh, no.

I've never lived in Arizona.

I'm from New Mexico.

Oh, that's what I meant.

Yeah, it's all the same name.

Yes, sir.

Tero Potato.

Right.

Okay.

So they're all there.

No, sir.

I have three in Louisiana, one in Texas, one in New Mexico.

Wow.

Oh my goodness.

It's like a game of risk.

Absolutely incredible.

And how about now?

What are you doing nowadays?

What do you, what are you, what are you doing?

I'm playing the field.

I'm single for the first time in a decade, and I'm trying to be a fucking coxman out here on 6th Street.

How's that working out for you?

My standards are on a sliding scale.

And at the moment, I'm kind kind of broke, so I'm you said he's fucking with us.

He's fucking with us.

You think he's gay, too?

Yeah, yeah, he just said he's like on sixth grade cocksinger or whatever the fuck he's

fucking second cock on sixth rate, whatever he's doing.

I did just take a photo of the transvestite sending to my baby brother to fuck with him.

Told him she wanted to take me home tonight, and she's obviously not, she don't have the factory fuck stick.

Sorry, factory fuck hole, rather.

Oh,

wait a second.

It's a flag on the play.

You just said fuck stick.

And we all heard it.

This girl was born with the factory fuck stick.

What does that mean?

The OG dick.

Born without

the fucking regular fuck hole.

Girl had a dick is what I'm saying.

Joe list.

The girl.

No, I'm just confused.

Me too.

I mean, first of all, I know this isn't the wokest crowd, but Transvestite, I don't think we're saying that anymore.

I mean.

Yikes.

All right, Toddy, let me ask you this.

Let's go this direction to try to crack this code.

What is the gayest thing you've ever done in your life?

Oh, you got a quick answer here.

That finger went right up.

I can already tell now you're doing

that.

I kissed a dude one time.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, people are disgusted here in Texas.

Oh, God.

Where was this at?

Where did you kiss this dude?

Where on his body did you kiss him?

With his dirty body.

Hold on, wait, let's check in with Gay Red Band over here.

It was on his dirty asshole.

I claimed it for him.

He should have paid me.

And then I threw him in a tank filled with snakes.

It's not my kink.

What is your kink?

I like butt-fucking fat girls.

I believe everything except for the last word.

Real women with the with the factory fuck hole.

We're getting a little bit closer here.

We've made it to buttholes, ladies and gentlemen.

We are getting warmer on the...

i'm gonna i'm gonna even let red band do a second fart noise this episode there you go you've earned it buddy you've earned it i like fucking really big girls in the ass preferably with really short hair if possible

yeah

and while they growl

yeah

why not

wow okay all right all right red band

i love it

okay

uh let's find out more gay things about you.

What's your favorite kind of music?

What kind of music do you like to listen to?

I think Metallica is the greatest American.

I thought he was going to say Madonna.

I swear to God.

I did not see Tallica coming there.

I thought it was Adonna for sure.

His favorite song is Enter Sand Man.

Yes.

Yes.

A perfect Metallica reference, totally making up for that Labor Day joke from just

wow.

Four kids.

I just can't.

Oh, five.

Five, four kids.

Four moms.

Do you stay in communication with them?

Oh, yeah.

You're a good dad.

I am.

Wow.

What are you doing for them for Christmas?

Money.

You just send money.

Well,

they're older.

They like money.

My baby is eight, and

she lives going to Walmart with Bill Card, you know.

Nice.

I love it.

Hell yeah.

That's a New Mexico delight.

Going to Walmart with a gift card.

Oh, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

White trash wonderful.

Absolutely.

absolutely all right toddy well i gotta tell you it's a hell of a kill tony debut your minute was

what was it it was just it was fabulous it was

it was a gay old time yeah it was a gay old time

it's hard out there to be a gay man with a dry mouth uh

Nobody likes getting their dick sucked by a sandpaper vacuum.

Wow, you have a sound effect for that?

That's incredible.

Fred Pan's been waiting 13 and a half years to do his dry mouth gay blow chalk.

Oh,

I need an ambulance for my dick.

All right.

So the set was terrible, barely understandable with the dry mouth.

I mean, it really was.

It was, and you were, you need to get that mic a little bit closer to your mouth when you're trying to.

I know that'll be easy for you.

But I'll tell you what, the interview was so good that instead of a little joke book, we're going to go with a medium joke book.

And there he goes.

All right, thank you.

Toddy Tyndall, everybody, making his Kill Tony debut.

Congratulations, Toddy.

Oh, Jesus.

Get out of here, Brad.

Oh, my God.

I almost flipped and fell at the end.

I can't believe it.

I almost flipped and fell right on.

Fuck yeah.

Nothing better than Heidi to ungay the room after that

we're all thinking about dry blow jobs and shit so you're not gonna believe this this the bucket has such an unbelievable sense of humor that was Toddy Tyndall's first name first time on the show and his name again is Toddy Tyndall

This next comedian's name is Tommy Tickles.

Again, that was Toddy Tyndall and this

Jesus.

I thought I was the only one with that name.

Son of a bitch, people are gonna get us confused.

I have 17 kids.

I can't possibly be gay.

Y'all have assholes.

I

fucked my way into a bunch of kids.

And I sent them all Walmart gift cards.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm introducing, after Toddy Tyndall, this is Tommy Tickles, everybody.

I'm 4% Nigerian.

That means I can say the N-word every 50 days or so.

I'm married.

I do most of my own laundry.

I do all the cooking.

I do most of the cleaning and I pay most of the bills.

The only reason I'm still married is because of the sex.

The wonderful sex I'm having with her sister.

I don't want to screw that up.

I've got a real.

She's not even that high.

I've got a real creepy uncle.

My mom hoped that he wouldn't rub off on me.

But he did it anyway.

I don't like to text and, I don't like to text and drive.

It makes it way too difficult to watch porn and masturbate.

You will never catch me drinking and driving because I'm that fucking fast.

There he is.

You cannot make it up.

Tommy Tickles following Toddy Tyndall.

Both of them look ridiculously straight

and then they begin to talk

and in a stunning turn of events again

The odds of this happening in the history of the show that a Toddy Tyndall would look like a real man from the oil fields.

And then this guy comes out.

Literally, me and Red Band joked because we both thought the same thing.

As soon as he walks out, we go, oh, straightest guy ever.

Yeah, straight guy.

And then all of a sudden, you're like, I have sex with my sister.

Sex with my wife's sister.

Okay, let's get into it.

Tommy, welcome to the show.

You're not responsible for what happened before you, but you are kind of.

All right.

Here we go.

Tommy, how long you been doing doing stand-up?

This is my first time.

Wow, look at that.

I love it.

I love to hear it.

Let the gangs begin.

This interview shall be golden.

There's nothing that can stop my momentum at this point with you.

I could tell you got a lot of stories.

I could tell there's a lot of things in the cup holder of your truck right now.

We're going to get into it.

There's a lot going on.

What is in the cup holder of your truck before I even get started with the wrist?

I heard some of the questions you asked that other guy.

The gayest thing I've ever done, I've won a skipping contest.

Really?

Yeah,

like in the fifth grade, I was awesome.

I was fast.

That is amazing.

That is amazing.

I now know you are straight as fuck.

Because that is a true answer of a true straight man.

I as well won a skipping contest.

Maybe they get on.

I did it on my way here tonight, actually.

I won.

Let me see who's the gayest.

Okay, very good.

All right, turns out he is gay after all.

Toddy Tyndall, then Tommy Tickles.

That's your real name, Tyndall?

Oh, you made that up.

Well, I had to change it from Mectickles to Tickles.

Mechticles.

No, that's not you either.

My real name's Sean.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's crazy.

You're kind of crazy.

Why would you change your name?

You have warrants?

No,

you know, just don't want people to know me as Tommy Tickles.

How many DUIs have you gotten?

Ha!

Never been caught.

I have never been caught.

Never.

You pled not guilty.

No contest.

Absolutely.

Okay, so how old are you, Tommy?

What is going on here tonight?

These drones are shooting gay lasers wherever the mic stand is right now.

And I'm 50.

I just turned 50.

You just turned 50.

Wait, the crowd is absolutely shocked.

You are the same exact age as Brian Redband.

Incredible.

What has happened in your life to where you look like you fought in every war that America has had?

I've seen a lot of shit, yeah.

Yeah, what have you seen?

Oh, you know, I've been everywhere.

I've been all over the world, you know, you see it all.

Yeah.

I've been on Sixth Street.

Shit, some lady tried to sell me a scooter for like 50 bucks.

That sounds like a pretty good deal, honestly.

I know, that's what I said.

I couldn't figure out how to put the gas in the motherfucker, but I've got a scooter now.

So you bought it?

Yeah.

Amazing.

I'm from the country.

Yeah, where?

Outside of Fredericksburg, about two and a half hours from here.

Okay.

Out in the middle of nowhere.

All right, that's where you were born and raised.

Yeah, I was raised there.

Okay.

My dad was in the Navy.

I was born on a Corpus Christi Naval base.

And then after all that, you know, I ended up out on the farming ranch out in Fredericksburg.

Okay, and then you were a farmer for many years.

Is that what you're saying?

That's what I'm doing right now.

I'm a farmer, rancher, and construction management.

Okay.

Yeah.

And what exactly does that job entail exactly?

It's like 16, 20 fucking hours a day milking goats and sheep and fucking cows getting in the neighbor's pasture.

And then you do all that during the nighttime, farming, you know, plowing fields and planting oats.

And then in the daytime, I go build fence and fucking barns and honest question here.

Yeah, that was an honest question.

Honest answer I'm looking for, Tommy.

You ready for it?

Let's go.

What is the most sexual thing you've ever done with any of those farm animals?

You ever just...

Like I'm some kind of sheep fucker.

No, I'm just curious.

Maybe you patted a cow on the butt or something, like good game or something like that.

Everybody knows that goats wiggle around more and have bigger tits.

They have the second closest vagina to a human vagina.

I can do a cesarean.

I can perform a C-section on a goat or sheep or cow.

Yeah, that's not very sexual, but you know, I can stick my hand all the way up in there.

And you've done that before?

I have, yeah, you got to, you know,

if you got big old hands.

You have big old hands?

They're old.

They're definitely old.

Goats and sheep thing.

That's why they call them Tommy Tickles.

Nah.

Okay, so Tommy, let's talk about your love life a little bit.

What have you, have you, you have kids?

Have you been married?

What have you been doing out there?

I've been married for 13 years.

That's right.

Yep.

What does she do for a living?

What's she doing?

Okay, red banner.

Relax.

She cleans bed and breakfast is.

She's a housekeeper, and then also she takes care of the ranch.

I mean, it's a full-time job.

We have 12 bottle babies right now, little tiny goats and sheep, and she has to bottle feed them three times a day.

So it's busy out there.

Is it profitable?

No, no.

No, you gotta love it.

You know, I love it.

You love it.

Well, I kind of.

I'd rather make some money.

You wake up to like what wakes you up?

Like chickens or something like that?

Chickens and geese, and we got about 15 guinea hens that live live above our house so it's like a fucking italian people

what are they guinea hens wake up down there hey

oh

oh fuck

no it's it's hard to fall asleep and it's not not hard to wake up

okay

all right

what are you into when you log on to the internet and you go to a porn website and your wife is out there bottle feeding goats and you have a couple minutes to yourself, what do you search for?

Threes

with free use, gorgeous, you know.

What was that last one before gorgeous?

What was the one?

Free use.

Free use?

Yeah, you know, you're just wandering around and there's some chick there and she's like, you can do whatever you want.

Never heard of this.

Sometimes I'm hosting this show and I have no idea what's going on.

And I sometimes wonder maybe I'm the only one that doesn't know what the fuck anything means or makes sense.

And it gets scary.

In everybody else's podcast, you're in a room.

You can't fuck up the audio.

Everybody can hear what they're saying.

You got headphones on.

This show is so crazy.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Hey, it's your question.

You know, you wanted to ask

son of a bitch.

I just got bodies.

Is that free use?

Redman's looking up free use porn.

My ex-girlfriend.

Even he's like, I got to get this shit off my screen with that, with that.

Thank God for Express VPN.

My goodness.

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

So what kind of car did you drive here today?

What kind of pickup truck?

Chevy 2500.

So what is, for some reason, my first thing that I said when I began this interview, I picture there being stuff, right?

There's stuff underneath your like radio, the knobs and everything.

What is in your cup holders and your little holder areas?

What do you, is there a lot of stuff there?

Receipts and coins, am I correct?

Yeah, broken tools and shit I need to fix and receipts and like what do you need to fix exactly this?

Hydraulic, hydraulic connection on a hydraulic hose that goes to my skid steer.

And I've got a hydraulic hose is actually one of the things I search on the board porn with

creamy, yeah.

All right, okay.

Red band is killing on the soundboard tonight.

Okay, can I try roasting?

Wait, what do you mean?

What do you mean?

What's going on here?

Who do you want to roast?

You trying to roast me?

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Sure, try roasting.

Hey, you've got a gorgeous face.

You've got extremely big teeth.

I bet horses love you.

Maybe they don't love you.

Maybe they're scared you're going to eat their corn.

That is true.

Your face should be at the end of a conveyor belt in a James Bond movie.

Just like, chomp, jump, chomp, jump, jump, chomp.

Yeah?

These are all very good.

Red man, if I said, if I said, right turn Clyde, would you know what to do?

Now, is that barnyard in Ontario?

same generation from a Clint Eastwood movie he'd go right turn cloud and some chimpanzee would go blink stick out his arm and knock somebody out okay you have that on like VHS or something somewhere

probably do you have a VCR no do you have a DVD player yes and you use it oh yeah

I've got stacks of Stacks of movies.

There's nothing else, you know what to do.

Absolutely incredible.

Do you have Wi-Fi on your farm?

Yes, uh-huh.

Okay.

So you have actual Wi-Fi, not dial-up.

Internet, smartphone, fucking smart TV nowadays.

There's no moisturizer.

Funny.

What's the last thing you bought yourself, like as a special treat for yourself?

Fuck.

This sweatshirt.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, some my nephew talked me into getting some earbuds.

So now I got earbuds on, so I'm out there on the tractor.

I can listen to my ears.

You can listen to music and stuff.

Can't figure out the phone, though.

People call, and I'm slapping myself in the ear.

Now I have a fucking earache.

Wow, look at that.

So,

50 years old,

and what made you want to start stand-up comedy?

Did I already ask you this?

No, you haven't.

50 years old.

I've always wanted to do this, love comedy.

But I've just been, you know, stuck out on a farm and ranch.

And then then all of a sudden I find out about your show it's only like two and a half hours away and I'm like why the fuck not how many times have you signed up for this show this is number five this is your fifth time you got up how did it feel

I can't hardly see anybody so I'm fucking fine you know I'm a little nervous my legs are a little shaky but you know I got a few laughs Yeah, that's what I wanted.

Yeah.

Some laughs.

Yeah.

First time, especially for a first time, it was fucking great, Tommy tickles Congratulations very very interesting human being

Thanks for taking a break from the farm.

Here's a big joke book made from the great bones I that's real Texas leather just like your skin you son of a bitch

Hey, if you listen to iHeart K-pop with Jojo, let me say thank you and turn you on to something next level.

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All right.

This looks like a new name for sure.

Let's see how this goes.

Make some noise for A-bomb, everybody.

A-bomb.

Come on, make some noise for A-bomb, everyone.

Hey, it's cool to be here, but a lot of people hype Austin up like it's the promised land.

Like, as soon as you get off the highway, you run into packs of motherfuckers sleeping together, drugged out, begging for money.

And them just the comedians.

Don't get me started on the homeless people.

I'm sure there are good people on both sides.

This is Texas, all right?

This should be a safe space.

Is it just me or trans women getting a little too powerful?

Hear me out.

They're kicking women's asses in sports and dating gaps.

In a short amount of time, we went from it's ma'am to,

will you suck my lady penis?

Like, like, bro,

maybe, maybe.

Um, but but you see these trans women on these data naps, and it's like, like, like what Shilon Musk has been innovating trans technology?

Where are the alpha?

Where are the alphabet people hiding them?

Him, her,

one of them, one of them.

Should have put his ass on a vaccine.

I probably would have got it.

Uh, he has a good track record.

Um, but you see these,

fuck it, bro.

The parabite.

a bomb welcome to the show a bomb this is your first time here correct this is my first time here this is my fifth time doing comedy okay this is dope bro yeah it's a fun thing yes sir absolutely how old are you i am 31.

what made you want to start stand-up comedy uh going through a rough time man i had to laugh to keep from crying i love it tell us about it

uh A breakup.

I don't want to get exactly into that like.

No, you're good.

Get into it.

That's what's interesting.

What's real is what's interesting.

Nobody watches this.

Yeah.

This is a safe space.

All right.

It's what people can relate to.

It's what got almost everyone around you started in what we're doing.

Yes, sir.

That's how artists are made.

Trauma and

life creates art.

So go ahead.

Tell us about this terrible situation that you're in.

All right, so just between me and y'all.

man it was a while back it was a long time ago now that i think about it uh back in memphis tennessee i met met this girl uh lovely girl christian girl and uh i thought we'd be together forever we uh we moved out here seeking better opportunities and whatnot and it was good covet hit we made it through uh but then i guess real happens because you know that all you had to do was uh work out you know what i'm saying it was affecting fat people more than the rest of us so it wasn't as deadly as they say i love fat people I love the grab, the fat.

There's nothing wrong with that.

But anyway, so we moved out here.

You know what I'm saying?

Trying to work with animals.

That's what we heard.

Texas was about.

Thought all y'all had a horse and a dog.

You know what I'm saying?

It's not that at all.

Y'all disappointed me.

So then, man, we was just going through a lot of shit.

No more than I think.

A lot of horse shit, you know what I'm saying?

But we wiped our feet and we kept on going.

You know what I'm saying?

We held our nose.

All right.

You get it off in the mud.

You walk through it long enough.

You tread.

But yeah, so seeking jobs with animals, we found that.

But I guess we didn't find the peace that we were looking for.

And it was too much.

It was too much for her.

So

I don't know what that sound was, but I'm sure it worked.

So it became too much.

And

she went her own way.

I didn't have a say-so on what happened.

I begged, I pleaded, baby, what you doing?

What's going on?

When are you coming back to me?

Turn them headlights around.

She was like, fuck that.

No, no,

you mean nothing, bro.

So that's what it was.

So laugh to keep from crying, man.

I was just like, I was in a bad place.

You know, a person promised you, like, I'm going to be with you forever.

And then forever, you find out it's only like 365 days.

Like, God damn.

To make a long story short.

What?

Okay.

okay.

Okay.

All right, so she left.

I was in my head a lot.

It was just me and the dogs.

I trained dogs.

I love my animals.

How many dogs do you have?

I own seven dogs.

Seven dogs.

Oh, my goodness.

With four different women.

It was one woman.

I'm sorry, Tony.

I'm sorry.

No, you're good.

It was one woman.

And since she put out so many, that thing is loose.

Sorry for the next dude.

Hell yeah.

You got her.

There's your revenge.

Those headlights definitely ain't turning around now.

Incredible.

She never gave you a reason on why she went back to Memphis and left you here in Austin with seven dogs.

Man, so the fucked up part, she didn't go back to Memphis.

So she has family here.

I have no family here.

Okay.

And so that's why I said, all right, I'm stuck here alone.

Like, she had a safe net.

She had somewhere to go to.

So I'm like, God brought me here for a reason, bro.

This is nothing but opportunity.

This is wild that this has happened.

Yeah.

So it's like, since I moved here, like my favorite, like pop culture YouTubers, they're in Texas.

I've got to meet up with them.

Kill Tony, a homie of mine, a YouTube homie, put me onto the show.

I knew about you guys, but I didn't know about the show for some reason.

And two months ago, he showed me and I was like, bro, I fucking love this shit.

So I binged it.

I'm watching non-stop.

And I was like, oh,

you were in Austin.

I was like, bro, that's a fucking hour away I live in San Antonio I don't know if I said that

and I was like bro I can get here I can do it and bro here we are here

thank you God thank you Lord that's true thank you no doubt about it we are your dogs now

and you know what my friend all dogs go to heaven

So you do dog fighting is what really happens.

Am I correct?

This is what I've heard about your people.

That's what some of us do.

Is John asleep?

Oh my God.

You were asleep.

Fun fact: sometimes John Dees falls asleep, and that's why he wears sunglasses.

He smokes so much weed, and he raises multiple children.

All right.

He was asleep.

You were dead asleep just then.

Oh my goodness.

I have two musicians with their eyes closed.

That's right.

You're still awake, D.

That was implied.

All right.

Okay, all right.

Thank you, D.

D.

Okay.

Thank you, D.

All right.

Famous homophobe D madness is here.

I love your style, bomb i mean you seem so uh

well spoken and and uh

like uh

that was actual racism folks

that was racist of all the things i've done this year that was actually racist

That might have been my most racist moment.

Is A-bomb your real name?

I'm kidding.

Okay.

It's Sean.

It's Tyrone Tindleberry.

We had a bunch of TT comedians before you.

I saw.

Okay.

You did?

We were back there.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Okay.

So, A-bomb, what else about your life?

Do you work with those dogs for a living?

Is that how you make money?

Yeah, so we started a business, the pariah pack.

Okay.

That's my business.

I had to shout it out because you asked.

It's relevant.

It's all good.

So that was me and her business.

And I guess it just became a lot that added to the mental stress.

Right.

So.

What exactly is the business?

What is pariah pack?

I train dogs.

I was born in dogs.

So now I'm just doing mostly training.

So that's what I'm doing.

I just work with the animals, trying to better the relationship between the human and the animal.

I love that.

Okay, and this is all based out of San Antonio.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Do people Yelp review your business at all?

How do you spell pariah pack?

T-H-E-P-A-R-I-A-H-P-A-C-K.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Slow down, eh?

Oppity, obity, oppity, oppity.

You got me there.

So what is it?

How do you spell it?

The T-H-E.

Uh-huh.

Pariah, P-A-R-I-A-H.

yep pack p-a-c-k

okay

red band typed it in all one word there

the pariah

the pariah pack

okay no there are no yelp reviews which is good for you um we've been reading yelp reviews of people's businesses today there's some reviews on google and like if you see a facebook okay

Okay, this guy's asking for it.

Let's see what happens here.

Let's see what happens here.

There are a few, there are nine Google reviews.

Go up there.

Go up there.

Yep.

We are so happy with the service.

First time boarding here, and I recommend.

The guy that runs the place, I think, stole my wallet.

Oh, wait a second.

No, I'm kidding.

I made that one up.

I made that one up.

That was my.

That was me.

No, these are all good.

It's all five stars all the way.

Absolutely incredible.

What else?

What else are you into when you're not working with the dogs?

The dogs.

Man,

people always say this, but hiking.

Wow.

Jiu-Jitsu.

Wow.

Rock climbing.

Incredible.

You are a white man.

What else do you want in life, A-bomb?

What else do I want?

Well, I'm a traditional artist.

So

I draw stuff like cartoons, illustration.

Where can people find your work?

Abomination AJ.

So that's what A-bomb is.

It's short for Abomination AJ.

And that's like my YouTube, like internet presentation.

Okay, perfect.

Find him at Abomination AJ.

Here's a big joke book.

I like your style.

There he goes.

Hey, bomb.

All right.

We didn't have a woman up tonight, so your final bucket pull of the night.

I pulled until I found a woman.

And, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Jenny Rodriguez.

Put your hands together one more time for Jenny Rodriguez.

If you have a miscarriage when you're married, does that make it a missus carriage?

I'm gay.

How gay are you?

You guys want to do that?

We'll do that.

I'm gay.

I'm so gay that I love cocking my ass.

I am gay.

I'm a bisexual woman.

I celebrate my bisexuality the best way that I know how.

That's, of course, by having a boyfriend.

I love my boyfriend, but he hates me the other night.

The other night we were having sex and it was getting pretty hot.

So I was like, fuck me like a whore.

And then he just kept fucking me the same exact way.

Thank you.

I have a Jenny Rodriguez.

Jenny Rodriguez, welcome, welcome.

Is this your first time on the show?

Second time.

Second time.

Heck yeah.

Welcome back.

You look different.

A little different.

My hair was split dye.

Now it's this.

Okay.

Something crazy happened last time you were on, right?

My boyfriend got picked first, and then I got picked second.

It was all bucket draw.

Were you like a lot funnier than him or something?

I was a lot funnier than him.

I'll say that.

Absolutely.

How bad was this guy?

Jesus.

Holy shit.

He's the funniest guy that I know.

Aw, how sweet.

Absolutely adorable.

Okay, Jenny.

So how's life going?

Good?

What's been going on?

So actually, he's not my boyfriend.

He's now my fiancé.

Whoa.

Congratulations.

Another Latino wedding.

That's right.

So, yeah, we just got engaged.

I got a promotion.

I got a new car.

Where'd you get a promotion at?

I work at Costco.

Thank you.

Wow.

Costco.

Incredible.

What do you do at Costco?

I'm a tire installer.

You're a what?

I'm a tire installer.

Oh, my goodness.

The Puerto Ricans behind you just look wild.

It's absolutely incredible.

Hey, I fucking love tires, man.

And I don't like to do it myself, dude.

The fucking hero.

And I fucking love Costco when they bring the boom, dude.

okay you're a tire installer yes wow normally your people remove tires and steal them from people

then there you are putting them back on doing a reverse Latino trickery hey look Kenny Rogers is here everybody the real life Kenny Rogers just noticed this now rest in peace sir amazing red band loves your chicken

okay

Amazing.

So

you've been installing tires.

So were you a tire installer before?

I was a tire installer before.

Now I'm like a supervisor when they need me to be.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Working in Costco is good.

Benefits and everything?

I get paid decently.

Benefits are good.

I get vacation.

Tomorrow, I get some...

Oh, wait, no.

Christmas, I get paid.

That's cool.

Shout out to Christmas.

Shout out to Chris Kringle himself.

Okay.

And did you notice anything changed with your relationship when you got engaged?

Did the sex stay the same?

Sex is still there.

We're still doing it.

Still there.

Yeah.

Very telling answer.

I'm like, we had sex a couple days ago.

That was cool.

A couple days ago, for a Latino, that is three years of space.

For those of you keeping track.

It's like dog years.

They're supposed to fuck almost hourly.

So a couple days ago.

I mean, I suck his dick like every couple days.

I feel like that makes up for that.

You know what?

You just got another promotion.

Congratulations.

All right, Jenny, we're going to keep it moving along.

You already have a joke book, right?

Yes, I do.

There she goes.

Jenny Rodriguez.

And we've come to that part of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

I got news for you.

I got news for you.

Hold on one second before you start that.

Unfortunately, due to it indeed being the holiday season, Cam Patterson and William Montgomery have the night off.

However,

ladies and gentlemen, here to close tonight's show is the only man that I feel like is even capable of such an unbelievable mission.

A man

that God himself has called comedian of the year 2024.

A man

so amazing that I personally have talked to the incoming

administration of the government of the United States of America.

And I have indeed confirmed that this man will be a citizen of the United States of America.

I present to you an anomaly unknown to human civilization before he existed.

A man who is the most famous person from where he comes from.

A man who is unbelievably hilarious on stage, off stage, and everywhere in between.

This is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Manny.

Hey, black guys,

If you don't want me to say the n-word

can you stop making it the best part of the fucking song

Call it fucking Freddy in Paris

I mean to be to be fair I can feel the n-word coming back.

I think

I think we're like five years out.

Hold on, brother.

We're gonna have to

get to have some fun again.

I mean, cancel culture's over, you know, everything's coming back.

Remember when we couldn't say fing and retard?

Retard went away for like a week, huh?

After that, we were like, fuck it.

And also, let's be honest, the retard don't get upset.

If he gets upset, give him a banana.

He's fucking...

Happy, happy, happy.

The gay guy gets upset, give him a banana too.

He'll fucking...

but then again

if you call a black guy the n-word

and then try to give him a banana

things will escalate

thank you very much.

Oh

my

god

that

is a kill Tony Regular.

Thank you.

Here for the holidays.

No rest for the wicked, the great and powerful, Ari Matty.

Yeah, everyone's dead in my family, so.

And you know, you can't.

My family now, Tony.

I love it.

And by the way, you know you can't smoke ashes.

It's a thing from earlier.

I think from earlier.

Sorry, I was at the gym, Lewis.

Sorry, I was at the gym, Lewis.

What kind of workout is that exactly?

What do you think about this?

This is what I do at the gym.

Workouts.

This guy just

preps for fucking.

It's incredible.

Just puts one of those rubber bands around you and just does pelvic thrusts at the gym.

Very intimidating to the other people.

Yeah, Joe Liz got so fucking weirded on when I was doing this fucking.

No, I got hard.

I had to.

Ari, what's going on?

Everything good?

An unfucking believable set.

Literally, literally perhaps 20, 30, 40, 50 times funnier than anything we've seen all night.

I mean, literally,

by a measurable statistic.

I don't even think it's really...

People weren't that terrible.

It's just your, that was so powerful.

Oh, thanks.

I appreciate it.

That's very nice of you.

The banana shit is unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

So fantastic.

Thank you.

And it's, you know, it's amazing.

We hang out a lot.

And this fucking guy, I mean, his head is in his joke book all the time, taking notes, readjusting things, moving things around.

Even when we're hanging, when we're smoking blunts and drinking whiskey late at night and laughing about shit, he'll grab his fucking jokebook and write something down.

And it's just non-stop and it fucking shows.

Yeah, thank you.

I love it.

It's so much fun.

So many people get complacent when

having a big career boom like you.

And it seems like you're doubling down and working harder all the time.

Oh, thank you.

That's very nice of you.

Are you going?

Oh, you're going to call us gay because it's two men complimenting each other and that's gay in New York?

I just figured we should all leave.

You guys obviously want to fuck each other.

That was crazy.

We all just watched that happen.

Hey, Lewis, cool hat.

Hey, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He just wants Toddy Tyndall to be able to find him later so he can play with his snake.

It is a crazy hat, Lewis, I gotta tell you.

Ari Matty writes jokes all day.

Lewis wears his Sharpie marker on his fucking head.

You got me, dude.

My hat isn't cool.

It is incredible.

What made you pick that hat?

I don't know.

Is this the color?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the problem with my hat, Tony?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just, you know, as a gay man, like you were implying with me and Ari talking to each other, I figured I would judge your fashion a little bit since I'm so gay.

Ari, unfucking believable believable set.

Absolutely incredible.

He's done it again.

Fucking superstar.

Merry Christmas.

Make some fucking noise for Ari Maddie.

Make some goddamn noise for my guests.

We do believe indeed we need to double confirm it, but we do indeed believe Louis J.

Gomez is indeed the new record holder for all-time appearances as a guest on this show.

A brother from another mother

uh lewisofskanks.com he is on tour a fantastic stand-up comedian check out him and joe list and bobby kelly and dan soder on their hit podcast the regs

r-e-g-z

joe list how about another hand for joe list

he's on tour comedianjo list.com

no doubt about it a fun episode i enjoyed myself.

Brought to you by Blue Chew, Blue Nile, Prize Picks.

One more time for the best stamp band in the land.

Matt Muelling, John D's, D-Madness,

Big Mike, Carlos Sosoral, Vallejo Bernane, Goose, Castillo, Groove Line Horns.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight.

Okay.

Is that me as the Grinch?

And that's Red Band as Santa Claus?

That's me.

Okay.

That's a skinny, that's the healthiest I've ever seen Red Band look.

And that's the nicest I've ever looked.

Brian J.

Eva with a great drawing of Louis J.

Gomez and Joe Lisp.

That's in.

Brian Redban.

Check out the secret show every Thursday at thesunsetstripatx.com.

Love you.

We love you guys.

Yeah.

By the time this episode comes out, you should know

where the next big road gig is.

It is absolutely massive.

Literally, I do believe

bigger than the venue in New York City that we did two shows at.

You're going to be very excited when you find out where it is.

Again, tickets should be on sale right now.

It'll pop up on the screen as I'm saying.

Indiana, guys.

Yeah, we're going to Indiana, everybody.

Anyway, did you guys have fun tonight?

We love you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you.

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