#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Live,

December 30th and 31st.

Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony.

Let's go!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh?

Yeah!

Fuck yeah.

Welcome.

You're at the number one live podcast in the world.

How the fuck we feeling tonight, huh?

Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen.

How about a hand for the best standban in the land, huh?

Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa,

Esteban Viejo,

Juan Cortez,

Michael Gonzalez,

Matt Muelling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, and Deep Madness on the bass guitar.

The whole family is here, everyone.

Very, very excited about tonight's episode.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh?

Well, well, well,

we're all here, and you know, this is just one of those episodes that

it's just nothing can stop its momentum.

Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show.

Two of the funniest humans, two of our true brothers.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in the history of the show, two of the funniest comedians in the world.

This is Sam Talent and Ari Shafir.

The greatest, powerful Ari Shafir,

one of the goats of guests,

Sam Talent

live in the flesh.

Ari Shapir fully clothed tonight.

You gotta love it.

Turn over a new leaf.

I don't do that anymore.

It's childish.

I love it.

I love it.

We've been through a lot together.

We have seen a lot of each other.

And it is good to have you back.

Thanks, buddy.

It's hard to concentrate.

I see a lot of cleavage right that way.

That's going to be difficult.

Little, beautiful, little

buckets.

Good eye, Ari.

Absolutely fantastic.

Waga!

Front row.

Right in the front.

Wait, I got to tie my shoe real quick.

Okay, got it.

Got it.

Oh, her laces are untied too, Ari.

You might have to go tie her shoes.

They're right there, huh?

They're going to be there all night long.

I could throw a little joke book right in there right now.

No doubt about it.

I could probably throw a big joke book in there.

Oh, she's fixing it.

She's no fun.

She must be visiting from L.A.

or something.

I'm being fucking objectified in 6th Street in Texas by fucking comedians at the front row of a dirty comedy show.

Stop fixing it, you hoe.

What's your OnlyFans?

No?

Yeah, yeah.

Don't worry, fellas.

I got it.

They put the horny and horn players over there that's right

226 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight you know what i'm gonna do okay well we'll see what happens here sure we'll get that one going we'll let uh we'll let fucking big tits jenkins pick the

pick the second piece

pull two at once

oh there they go.

Bouncing around.

Oh, look at that.

It's a woman to start.

It's a woman to start.

So we'll do that one first and the one that fell out second.

Go wrangle them.

What are the odds?

Did you see the boyfriend?

Don't worry.

We'll do something you like next week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have fun sitting through three and a half hours of wicked, you f ⁇ .

Oh, you're fucked.

Safe skin.

It was the wizard, Evans.

Oh, you're so fucked.

And you're going to have to do it with your dick halfway out, too.

If it's truly even Stevens, that shaft is going to be blasting with popcorn butter all over.

If she has to be here with her tits half out, you have to watch Wicked with your shaft out.

That is.

Yeah, but no tip.

Just shaft.

Yes.

Because there's no nipples over here.

Yes, exactly.

It's all the quality, brother.

Exactly.

And then maybe there'll be some women that walk by like, wow, look at that money maker.

You know what I mean?

Just like what happened here.

Nature is healing.

We're going to have some fucking fun tonight.

And I'm warning you right now, it shall start with a goddamn bang of unconceivable proportions.

As you guys know, as fans of the show, everybody does 60 seconds.

You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And tonight we start with a regular who needs no introduction at all.

yet I will still give him one.

Some people call him the victor of Van Nuys.

Some people call him the educator of Edinburgh.

Some people call him the Memphis strangler, the vanilla gorilla.

To start tonight's episode,

ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Hall of Famer with more appearances than any comedian in history.

The most interviews in Kill Tony history.

This

is the big red machine.

William Montgomery.

Damn, let me see them titties, bitch.

Holy shit.

No, seriously.

Pfizer is about to release a new version of the COVID vaccine.

And the worst part is that it includes a new YouTube album in the syringe.

Quick housekeeping a note, tonight's proceeds will benefit the defense fund of Harvey Weinstein.

I'm going to start selling shirts to say I survived the Me Too movement.

Let's be honest, though, considering I've only talked to four girls in my life, including my mom, I didn't really survive the Me Too movement.

It's like being locked up at Rikers Island on 9-11 and later you tell someone, yeah, I was there.

Okay, that's what I came.

William.

One of the most loved humans in the history of the show, a master of likability, a master of charisma.

It is so nice to be here.

And I think this woman, after I tell you, it's literally, this is Tony, my six-year anniversary of being a regular on the show.

So, bitch, I think you really.

right there?

Do some more crowd work.

Ask them some more questions.

You're just going to stop after asking if that's their man.

You're not going to make a joke or anything.

You're just going to nod along.

No, now I feel awkward because she really does have some really nice titties, it looks like.

I mean, look at those things.

So, when y'all have sex, do you get on top of them?

Wow, that's true.

Or does he get on top of you?

Great question.

Keep asking me.

How do y'all do it?

How'd y'all do it last?

Huh?

She said on top.

You get on top.

Oh, I bet your titties are really bouncing in.

I wondered what you were getting at there.

That's me.

Me too, Tony.

Me too, me too.

Hashtag me too.

I know.

Hashtag me too.

Yeah.

My goodness.

What an amazing legend of the game.

You guys have seen William many times before.

Sam used to hang out with him in the mean streets of Colorado together.

You were there that fateful night at the Squire Lounge.

They were doing an open mic there, and it's when I was drinking a lot, and I would put my backpack behind me, and I had a notebook in there filled with jokes.

A homeless person stole my backpack that night.

And that homeless person was Hans Kim.

Yeah,

you were like, what am I going to do?

How will I ever be able to remember all my genius musings?

And it was mostly like when dad comes home, we have a song about it.

That was that joke was in there.

Yep.

Yeah.

It was in there.

You got it back, though.

Yeah, I did not get it back.

Well, we have a special thing that's happening.

I can't believe you organically brought this up.

We have two special sacks for you.

I got two special sacks.

Oh, well, you really just stepped on the whole thing I was doing there.

Thank you, Ari.

It was basically getting back to her fat tits.

But you had to make it about your balls.

Clearly, nothing I was getting to there as the host of the show.

Very good.

Ari, Ari.

Everybody knows.

Everybody, Ari has two ball sacks.

More educational than it is comedy.

You may not know it is an anatomical anomaly, they call it.

It's two sacks, but it's still also just two testicles.

They live separately.

Yeah, no, I was doing another she has tits joke.

We're going to have to give her like 50 grand at the end of this episode to say that she enjoyed herself.

It's going to be great.

It's what she makes monthly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're going to have to promote something for her.

Are your nipples pierced?

Oh.

Do you have like

a small business?

They'd be really hot if they were pierced, are they?

Do you have like a small business you'd like us to promote or something?

You don't make things on Etsy or something like that?

Do you have an OnlyFans?

We can make this up to you.

What do you do for a living?

What do you do?

I am

a concierge wow okay

what is that an expensive escort what is that

is that what that is

how about how about your man here sir what do you do we'll plug something for you

you work in my okay well you guys you know you need to start your own businesses or something what can i say uh

William, what else is going on in the world?

I am praying to God I can convince Red Band to come to my parents' house at Christmas.

Now, Red Band, y'all grew up in not the best situation.

He hates Christmas, and let's keep that between us.

It's really not a good time for him.

Again, he grew up in like this really poor family, and he wouldn't get presents or anything.

So the guy hates Christmas.

So I'm trying to get him to come to Memphis.

Come on, Red Band.

Is anybody in your family allergic to cats by any chance?

Because I don't know if you know this, but Red Band literally is covered in cat hair, everybody.

I don't know if you see that, but there it goes.

A little gift.

A little gift for the audience.

Oh, she's going to catch it.

She's going to get it.

There it is.

Yeah.

Welcome to another episode of Fucking Disgusting

with your superstar, Brian Redband, where Tony picks things off of Redband and throws it in the crowd.

Redband hates Christmas because the cookies are for Santa.

Yeah.

You have to leave Santa some breast milk.

Oh, yeah, your algorithm's fucked.

Yeah, we get on Red Band's fucking phone one night, and Mitzi's after this.

We're all joking around about what our Instagram algorithms are.

And I swear to God, Red Band gets his up, and it's all women and their children breastfeeding.

Wait, look at that one.

That's like an eight-year-old.

You couldn't believe it.

That's a fully grown kid.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

What a fucking loophole.

God, it's still that way, Red Band.

It's unbelievable.

God.

It is unbelievable.

Sometimes the babies are dolves.

Yeah.

And it's full-grown adults.

There's like an 11-year-old on one of the ones he just had out.

Which leads me to my point.

Sir, if you suck on her,

all right, this is out of control.

Even D-Madness is like, I can't even look at this shit anymore.

All right, we're having fun.

You really want Red Band to come over for Christmas?

Red Band, are y'all going going to come?

Why do you want Red Band to come over?

What are you having a good time?

What are you looking forward to the most?

I don't know.

With Red Band.

I hate Christmas so much.

Oh, my God.

I really don't like it.

What a shock.

Well, I mean, it's going to be okay.

Your mom is coming.

I told you.

I told you that.

Your mom's going to be there.

We got to do mattress down in the bedroom I grew up in.

So she's going to be really comfortable, but we don't even have to talk about that, though.

Red Band, please come.

I'll think about it.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow.

Look at that.

How exciting.

Could be there there in Memphis.

What's to think about?

Just go.

Yeah.

All right.

I love it.

William, what else is going on other than the Christmas spirits and whatnot?

Not a lot.

Well, Tony, you're not going to want to hear this, but I actually, now on Call of Duty, I started playing.

Nobody wants to hear this, but now on Call of Duty, it's been a big part of my life the past week.

Now on Call of Duty, I'm playing the zombies thing, and I realize that I'm really close to getting Opal camouflaged on my AK-47.

When you say no one's.

Which is like a big deal, Tony.

I swear it's a lot of time I've been putting into it.

I'm not really good at the game, so don't ever look me up on there, but

put a lot of time in.

People can look you up?

They could.

I'm not going to do my name out right now because I was trying to play with my brother the other night and these random people kept on getting on because at one point when I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine, I would get on just to talk shit and I was befriending people.

So now when I logged back on, it was all these kind of probably some nice people, but it was people

I don't remember talking to.

so I don't want to talk to them now.

I'll go on there.

What's your name on there?

I'll find you on there.

What's your name?

I mean, I'm not saying my name.

Oh, okay.

I'll be your emotional support human.

Yeah, it's fine.

William, we love you.

What else is going on?

Did you eat anything good this week?

You're a little healthy boy.

You have a good appetite.

At a Philly cheesesteak in Indiana, that was not good.

I

ate some egg rolls.

Those were not good.

Wow.

It's been a really bad week for me with the food.

You saw me eat a piece of white bread last night.

Yeah, you were dabbing your head with white bread.

You were going up to everybody saying you were really hot.

You would dab your head with the bread.

It was hilarious.

It was hilarious.

I put it, I took it out of my coat pocket, acting like it was a pocket square.

And then your brother fucking stonewalled me, so I did it to him.

And then I ate the piece of bread afterward.

And he was like, oh, hell.

I remember.

Good lord, covered in sorghum.

That's a fucking funny man.

I know.

He loved it.

I loved it too.

It was funny.

He is something else.

Selden Montgomery, truly one of the funniest human beings just rolling around here.

Not doing stand-up comedy.

Surprises me.

It's like a super talent that blatantly could do it.

Yeah, I don't know.

Well, he's about, we're renting a car and we're going to take the drive from Austin to Memphis in a couple of days.

Why are you driving?

I like to drive.

I, unlike Red Band, have very nice memories of Christmas.

So I I am really

looking forward to going back to my parents' house on Christmas.

How long of a drive is that?

Nine and a half hours.

Wow.

Why can't you fly?

Seven hours if I take Adderall.

And

I might take some Adderall.

And so we'll see.

Then I don't have to stop and I drive really fast.

But if I smoke weed or something, then I drive slow.

So if I just take Adderall, I get in the zone.

Auto zone.

It's eight and a half hours or one Montgomery family sing-along.

Yep, we have really long sing-alongs.

William, before I let you go, anything you're passionate about this week?

I am passionate about getting my motherfucking Opal Camouflage of my assault rifle.

There you go.

Okay, thank you, Doug.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, and it has begun.

But now we get to the bread and butter of the show.

The true beating heart of Kiltoni.

The bucket.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody?

I mean, my God, a sausage fest like this.

There's guys up here that have two ball sacks.

You got Heidi, the lovely Heidi.

Balancing the scales.

All right, our first bucket bowl tonight goes by the name of Erica Kuharski.

We're gonna meet her all together right now.

60 seconds uninterrupted from Erica Kuharski.

Hell yeah!

Peyton Manning and me were forehead twins.

Yeah, you like that?

Y'all got extra yardage.

Call that a personal foul.

Kuhorski, it's half German, half Polish.

So Germany invaded Poland and then my relatives invaded Poland.

That's my my white guilt.

Yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of that.

I just got married, you guys.

With that forehead, yep, it's possible.

It's pretty great, guys.

I don't have mental illness anymore.

We have mental illness.

Definitely try it out.

It's great.

He's Hispanic.

I'm white.

So our couple name is Wet Cracker.

To be politically correct, moist saltine.

It's great.

I went to school for.

That's all right.

I went to school for archaeology because I'm really good at digging up the past and telling everyone about it.

Thank you, guys.

I'm Erica Kowarski.

Erica, that was very funny.

I was laughing.

I was laughing because Ari took a sip of his beer and poured it on himself.

Had nothing to do with what you were talking about over there.

Damn it.

Somebody filled it up too much.

It's a can.

It's a can, Ari.

Oh, my goodness.

Hi, Erica.

Hey, there.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About 10 years.

10 years.

Jesus fucking Christ, Erica.

Oh, don't clap for that, people.

That's not a thing.

10 years.

It doesn't seem a day over one year.

Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah.

You've aged gracefully.

And you're still a substitute teacher?

No.

Is that what you fantasized while I was up here?

No, no, I'm not doing that.

Where have you done these 10 years of hard work in stand-up comedy at?

Well, I started in improv for a couple years and then.

You're counting that with the 10?

Yeah, so let's get seven.

I'm sorry.

You're going to say stand up for seven?

Yeah.

Okay.

Those three years of improv are really shining.

Yeah, you're doing a lot of yesing.

It's the and we have to work on.

All right, I can work on that.

Yes, the end.

I liked the opener about the forehead.

Thank you.

That's a funny thing to say, right?

Sam's a huge football fan.

I do.

I'm a Peyton

Coming from Colorado, he is a big Peyton Manning fan.

So you could have said anything about Peyton Manning there, and he would have found it interesting.

Oh, yeah.

Perfect.

Yeah.

I love to pander.

That's my favorite thing to do.

It's a good move.

Love football.

Football rules.

Go on.

Football rules.

It's the best.

If I'm not watching football, I'm not living.

Now we're talking.

Yeah.

All right.

Touchdown, baby.

Yes.

Oh, my goodness.

She's saying keywords from football these days.

I'm close.

Keep going.

What are your thoughts on holding?

On holding?

Yeah.

Oh, I hold that yellow flag.

I don't drop it, baby.

Wow.

I don't know.

That makes sense.

Picking up the Kleenex.

This has gone a little far.

Yeah, yeah.

Not 10 yards, though.

Hey, that's a first down.

Whoa!

Unbelievable.

She's an improv genius, Tony.

It is unbelievable.

There's a lot of brain behind that forehead.

Which is interesting.

You mentioned the forehead a couple times during the set, but meanwhile, it is the sixth ugliest thing about you.

I've got the notes here.

I didn't find it to be the standout terrible feature about you.

I found it to be.

What was number five?

Just curious.

Greasy hair.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It's unbelievably unwashed.

I know.

It's unkept, especially for a big show like this.

It's like you have helmet head.

Yeah.

Right?

I got to take that off before I come over here.

It's like you haven't watched it since your improv days.

Erica, where do you live?

Right now, I'm just mobile, but we're going to move here in Austin at the end of the month.

You live in your car?

We live in an Airbnb.

Ooh.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, we were doing basement travel between the relatives, so I was in Atlanta for a month.

When you say basement travel, what does that mean?

I've never heard of that before.

Right.

Well, I have a lot of relatives, and we just go between aunts.

So I have an aunt in Georgia that we're living in the basement, and before that, my parents' basement.

There's a lot of basements going on.

That must be what adds that dewy moisture to the hair that I'm noticing.

Radon.

It's very humid.

Thank you.

A lot of moisture.

Unnecessary moisture.

Erica, what exactly do you do for a living?

Right now I'm in between jobs.

I help my husband with digital media.

We do.

so interesting.

We edit porn.

Well, bye.

Now we're getting there.

There we go.

Let's

open with that next time.

That's Peyton Manning.

Seven years of comedy, really.

Like, I have really pretty feet, so I've been.

Wait, it's your feet?

Well, that's the part that I do.

And then he does the video editing with a different company.

Hold on.

So you guys take videos of your feet

and he edits them.

Is that right?

Hey, do you want to do the secret show?

What's to edit for feet?

Yeah, what's going on there?

Is he putting in like special effects or something?

Is there like little Ewoks fighting in between your toes?

Or is it cotton?

Sometimes, are you into that?

It's a giantess porn.

I love giantess porn.

It's great.

Yeah, they just, they,

yeah, they love the feet.

And yes, they put tiny people next to it.

They love

is this a real thing?

Or are you kidding?

I can't tell what's going on.

I dated a girl that said, People love big women, but giantess people love in the face.

Where would people find your work?

Where would people find your work?

I'm Wreck and Becca.

Wrecking Becca.

On what?

Basementfeet.com?

How do we find?

Relatives are us.

No.

Wow.

Oops.

Time for Red Band to pretend like he doesn't know what that is.

We're looking it up over here.

Keep looking.

Clips for sale?

Keep looking.

Doing it like on Twitter.

Do you like stomping wet dog food and stuff?

I don't do that.

Why not?

Don't you want to make money?

That's where the action is.

You got to order a customs, sir.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, it's like special effects stomping stuff.

So Reckon Becca is on.

How would people find it?

You can find it on Twitter.

Okay, there you go.

So you look on Twitter.

That's a video.

You ever breastfeed with your food?

I'll look into it.

That's a good idea.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm all about the money if you can get some, get some.

What makes your feet so sexually exceptional?

They're big.

They're size 10.

Whoa, fucking disgusting.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Brutal.

Yeah, pretty good.

Can we see one?

No.

Show us the bad one.

I'll give you $8 if I can see one.

Whoa.

Is this your sock removal?

This is wrecking back.

Yeah, that's mine.

Oh, my goodness.

Whoa, you're really stretching out that sock.

Well, there it goes.

It's like watching a reverse birth.

Wow, this is incredible.

Guys, I wish you could see this because you'd be incredibly not turned on or off.

Yeah, it is.

It's just, there's like angry ants in the background.

Like, put your fucking feet away.

You got merch?

Oh God.

Jesus.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Doing that.

I'm hoping comedy takes off.

But yikes.

What you're trying to say.

You better.

You better keep those moneymakers protected.

Those socks.

Double socket, lady, because the comedy, it ain't going to happen.

Can you put your fist in your mouth?

No.

Very good.

Red Band.

Put the mic down.

Very good.

Great stuff.

Great stuff, Red Band.

Comedy from Red Band, everybody.

All right.

Anything else crazy about your life we should know about?

Let's just been kind of crazy.

I got married in October.

Congratulations.

So just kind of getting back to the swing of things and trying to figure out where we're living and everything after you plan a wedding.

So.

Congratulations.

Oh, God.

I know.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Where'd you get married at?

In Las Vegas.

Yep.

And then, so you guys just have been Airbnb since then?

Yep.

in the basements, of course.

We've been hitting the open mics.

Oh, he does comedy too?

He does.

Oh, terrible.

I'm going to let you out of here.

I'm going to show you somewhere.

See?

I got an idea for you for a video.

There's a room in the Holocaust Memorial of Washington, D.C.

with

just a bunch of shoes.

Oh, really?

Here's a little joke, but

there she goes, everybody.

Erica Kuharsky.

Karsboots are made for walking.

Right there.

Sock it to me.

Okay.

Well, let's get that started.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah.

Okay, very good.

Alright.

I got it.

This person is in a wheelchair is what you're telling me.

They need a minute because they're in a wheelchair.

Okay, got it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next person will need a minute because they're in a wheelchair.

Isn't that the greatest intro you've ever heard?

Ladies and gentlemen, who loves handicapped people, huh?

You know, it could be the next superstar on this show.

We love handicapped people.

Make some noise for Layman Merle...

Layman Merle Cubis.

Layman Merle Cubis, everybody.

It doesn't seem like he's in a wheelchair.

It's a miracle.

It's a miracle.

ladies and gentlemen make some noise for layman merle hubis

i'm exhausted after this shit my name is layman merle huber i go by lee and those of you calling me stroke lee uh

well actually it's kind of cool you can call me that uh i am divorced

And there's a lot of reasons for that divorce, but

I guess the best one was that I had problems in the bedroom.

Yeah.

Every time we'd make love, I'd start coming.

I'd start laughing uncontrollably.

I'd make crazy faces.

And she didn't like it.

And so I went to the doctor, found out I'm suffering from immature ejaculation.

But while I was there, he said,

you know,

prostate, ejaculation is good for your prostate.

You should tell your wife that.

I said, shit, you're not gonna believe that shit.

You're gonna have to write me a prescription.

So I go home.

Hey, babe, remember that lecture you gave me the other day about following doctors' orders and shit?

Well, here, and she looked at the prescription and said, That's awesome.

Why don't you take it to the pharmacy and get it filled?

So that fucker at CVS hasn't stopped calling me for refills.

I guess that's my time.

Layman Merle Huber.

Welcome to the show, layman.

Hi, Tony.

How's it going, my man?

It's wonderful.

I'm just a little exhausted from walking up the stairs.

I love it.

Fantastic.

What is your condition exactly?

I had a stroke on my birthday of this year.

Happy birthday.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It was.

Were you doing some kind of special celebrating or something like that that made the stroke happen?

Were you drinking?

Were you eating cake?

What happened?

No, everybody thought I was drunk because I started losing my balance.

And then, you know, next thing you know, I sit down and

I can't get out of the chair.

God damn it.

Hey, it's not all bad.

You know?

It's not?

Oh.

I mean, consider that everything that I do, I can say I did single-handedly.

Yeah.

Reminds me of my honeymoon.

Well, besides that,

plus I have the kung fu grip that I always wanted with my G.I.

Joe.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I can crap on that.

Oh, yeah, your G.I.

Joe.

G.I.

Joe, funk, kung-fu-grip.

Remember that?

What does that have to do?

70s.

I'm an old guy.

How old are you?

58, almost 59.

Being in Marx, yeah.

58.

You look great.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I feel okay.

What do you do for a living?

I am a video producer, live stream producer, and comedian.

But I used to own a comedy club in Arlington.

Oh, wow.

Hiatus Comedy Club.

Okay.

And I did comedy for a while, and then I've taken a 10 or 12-year hiatus, but I'm back.

Oh, Oh, yeah.

Got divorced and now I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Damn right.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Except for clap your hands.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Well.

Okay.

All right.

Challenge my attitude.

Good old joke.

I can still slap a bitch, you know.

I love it.

It's like looking into the future right now.

Yeah.

So there you were, celebrating with friends and family.

What did it feel like?

What does it feel like when a stroke is happening?

Does it feel like anything or is it parts of it?

Well, mine took about two days.

You know, I had been working and I thought my arm was getting sore because all the lifting and stuff.

And I was telling my buddy, but that was the first sign.

I just didn't know.

And then I started losing my balance and I was at the party and then I sat down in a lounge chair and I couldn't get up.

My arm quit working and that was it.

Someone had to carry me to the car.

Wow.

damn it, funny.

When he was saying that, I just saw a bunch of fat dudes just kind of grabbing their arm in the audience.

No, but I am, you know, I've been homeless for a while, but I am going to recover.

Don't worry.

You're homeless?

I was.

Oh, I was going to say.

I was.

My brother took me in after my stroke, and I've been in a in Granberry sitting by myself 16 hours a day watching Kill Tony.

Hell yeah.

I love it.

I would have killed myself.

If it wasn't for Kill Tony, I probably would have.

No, that's why I would have.

Laughter is the best medicine.

Absolutely.

It is.

Absolutely.

So,

what else do you do?

Well, I haven't been able to do much, but thanks for asking.

You know, I like to do a lot of stuff for,

I like to do a lot of two-handed shit, play pool, play guitar, you know, things like that that I can't do.

Right.

That's what you used to do.

I used to lost it, but, you know, I still got one hand.

I played darts.

I got in a fight with the guy, and he said, I'm not, you know, you're in a wheelchair.

And I asked this other guy in a wheelchair to get out of here.

So I said, let's do it.

Fuck yeah.

Put your other hand behind your back and we'll do it.

A little wild roller derby going on over there.

Were you a smoker?

I am a smoker.

Yeah.

Fuck.

You're still smoking?

Oh, yeah.

Respect.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not a quitter.

Hell no.

Right.

Hell yeah.

You already survived the worst part that could happen.

No, actually, I just started again.

I don't have a problem quitting.

It's starting I have the problem with.

What do you mean by that exactly?

What I mean by that?

I quit all the time.

It's just I can't resist the starting up again.

But

I can put it down no problem for a little while.

Wait, you can put it down no problem?

No, yeah, no problem for about six hours.

Okay.

And this ex-wife of yours that you keep mentioning,

how long were you with her for?

20 years.

What do you hate about her?

I don't hate her.

I'm still madly in love with her, but I just know that I could never be married to her again, the way she treated me.

How did she treat you?

Let's talk about it.

You know,

just the when you, when someone tells you you're the most important person to them in your life, and then all of a sudden they ghost you and treat you like you don't exist, you know, it's kind of a painful thing.

She made me sleep on the porch one time, but

on the back porch in the heat.

Because you didn't have a ramp to get in?

No, this is pre-stroke.

This is pre-stroke.

She probably caused the damn stroke.

Yeah, it probably had a lot to do with it.

Yeah, I ended up losing my house, all my money, and ended up,

well, I had a career issue.

I lost my career and then I ended up being homeless.

I bought an R V and it got stolen.

How did they steal your R V?

Long story, but I had met

a person that lived in a nice kind of mansion in Dallas and said, not mansion, but you know, it was a nice place.

Yeah.

Three-storied.

And I they said I could park it out back.

And then

anyway, it got stolen from the back.

You know, they stole all my property.

And I had to

stay with my sister.

And then my car broke down.

I couldn't find a job.

Newark, Texas.

If anyone knows where Newark is,

if you want a job, you're going to work at the dollar store.

That's about it.

Wait, buddy, I'm sorry.

I got a question.

These people said you could park your RV out back.

Who stole your RV?

Well,

the one-armed man.

The guy that it.

It was insurance for us.

The guy that owned the house was mentally retarded, but he's kind of famous.

Did you say he was mentally retarded?

Yeah.

Was he actually mentally retarded?

Yeah, absolutely.

He's like 72-year-old.

How does a 72-year-old mentally retarded guy own a three-story house?

His parents were rich and had a trust fund.

Wow.

So was he like fully retarded?

Like totally retarded?

Hold on.

And love the guy.

Can you imagine

just a rich, retarded guy?

I mean, how much fun would that be?

Chopping thunder.

Yeah, what's that like, like, Tony?

Yes, I'm super retarded.

A well-known thing about me.

I'm an old retarded man now.

This is 13 years.

We've run out of jokes to make, everyone.

I don't know what the bean is, everybody.

So I am retarded.

Well, I meant more the super rich thing.

Well, it's awesome.

So let's go back to Layman Merle Huber here.

Yeah, Yeah, I go by Lee, but since my wife hated my name so much, I said I'm going by Lehman Merle Huber because we went to get our marriage license.

She said, your name's Lehman Merle Huber, not Lee Huber.

I said, yeah.

She goes, I wouldn't have married you if I'd have known that.

What up?

This lady.

This lady's not a nice person.

I told her, you don't deserve that last name anyway.

So, you know, fuck you.

I'm using the fuller name.

Do you regret not hitting it when you had the chance?

I've never hit a woman, never will, but, you know.

You never will, that's for sure.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I might hit a guy right now.

Fuck yes.

That would go viral.

I got a lot of pent-up rage.

Layman, were you still married when you were living in the RV with the retarded rich guy?

No, no, that's after.

That's why I had to bought the RV because she divorced me and took, you know, I gave her the house.

And so I said, fuck it.

Did the retarded rich guy have like

cool retarded things in his house?

Like, yeah,

he's known as the king of punk in the Dallas scene.

He's written a book.

He's, well, in his punk discussion.

He wrote a book?

Yeah.

And it looks exactly like a book you would think that he would write.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Red Band, this is good news for you.

It's a coloring book.

It is.

It's true.

It looks, he looks.

It's called Outside the Lines.

The pages are edible.

He had autographs of every famous punk rocker you could think of, Black Flag, he had rare albums.

His parents were rich, so they got him backstage passes to like everything, I guess.

And he got to know all these bands.

So he's kind of famous insane.

But anyway, he's a cool guy.

I liked him.

But this girl...

that told me about the room I could rent there

was trying to get his money.

And she was after him, telling him she was in the

we have now found out who stole your RV exactly her and her biker boyfriend Robbie her what boyfriend her biker boyfriend I thought you said black guy boyfriend

like yeah it was them for sure

biker all white people involved

has anything good ever happened

you have that's no the stroke is the best thing that happened to me in seven years there you go this is good news for Redman.

Yeah, that was that prior to that life sucked even worse.

Finally, I got some attention, got to lay in a bed and get fed.

When you're homeless, it's like it's a move on up.

No, but the real reason was that it brought my son and I.

We hadn't had a relationship in a few years.

And he came to see me and it brought us back together.

So good sounds like that.

So you guys can play catch.

Yeah.

You and your son are close now.

Where does he live?

He lives in Allen.

He's a school teacher and a football coach.

Oh, awesome.

Awesome.

He was at Allen High School.

Now he's doing middle school coaching at lacrosse and stuff.

All right, cool.

What do you guys do together?

Not as much as we used to, for sure.

But

he's a busy guy, but

most of us right now we just talk on the phone.

I mean,

he hasn't visited me in about five months or six months.

I've never seen a sadder, more positive guy in my life.

It's amazing.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

There's no reason to look on the negative side.

And you know what?

That's why you're leaving with some zippix and nicotine toothpaste.

All right.

And a big joke book.

I know that

you're going to catch this.

I believe.

Do you believe in miracles?

Yeah.

All right,

carry this fucking guy out of here.

We gotta keep the show moving.

How about one more time for layman Merle Huber, everybody?

Oh, everybody's leaving all of a sudden.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

What a bunch of geniuses.

Let's all go pay it the same place.

How about a hand for Zach, our security guy, who's butt-fucking poor layman?

You're witnessing a live male rape, everybody, by one of the most homophobic security guards at the club.

I know for a fact he'd rather eat a homeless woman's pussy

than

lick a dude's butthole once.

What would you do?

I would lick the dude's butthole once.

Oh yeah, there's a specific homeless woman that we're talking about

that hangs around this.

You have to see it.

You would pick the dude's butt

Trust me one swipe of the tongue look red bands with you dude red bands with you He would eat the pussy.

I've been there.

It's it's all right

You eat you've licked a dude's ass before I massage girls, you know all right very good way to recover

Ladies and gentlemen your next bucketful was on the inside.

We know this guy ladies and gentlemen one of the best magicians in the world has signed up for the show.

This is Wes Barker, ladies and gentlemen.

A real like famous legit magician, Wes Barker.

He's on the inside.

Here he is.

It's one of you representing the audience here tonight.

How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the mothership?

How excited.

This is Wes Barker, everybody.

All right.

Hi.

I am Wes.

I'm a Canadian.

I'm a professional magician.

I hate children more than you think.

Being a magician made me hate the kids.

Kids don't suspend their disbelief.

You know, like if they see something, they say something with magic.

It's pretty bad.

Like, if we did magic right now, you'd love it.

You'd love it.

And you guys, you would learn a lot.

It's magic show and then magic lessons kind of right about there, you know?

But at at least you would shut the fuck up, you know?

Kids, they don't do that.

It's brutal, actually.

I hate it.

I'll give you an example.

The red ball trick, for example, with a kid, I do this.

I'd take the red ball,

vanish, and then the kid would go, it's in your other hand.

And they're right every time.

Like, it fucking sucks, you know?

But adults, we have like such a strong grip on reality.

So, you know, kids are smart in a stupid way, but adults, we expect the physics to go the way it goes every time, you know, like even like prime example, sir.

You're a grown-ass man.

Same trick.

Which hand is it and point to it?

I wasn't going to risk it with you, honestly.

Both hands.

That's my time.

Thanks, everybody.

Wes Barker, a real professional magician.

We know him.

You hang out a lot.

You're part of this, part of the, you hang out in Austin, right?

And he entertains the fuck out of us sometimes

after the show a lot.

Wes, do you have a favorite fabric?

Yeah.

I love that you thought you had to tell us that you were Canadian.

It's amazing.

I started wearing this recently and I thought it really suited me.

Now I'm wondering if it does.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, good.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

You're going down Jay Leno's path so fast you might have an eye patch and a bruised skull in a week.

This is incredible.

Three different types of denim.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ, bro.

Canadian tuxedo, baby.

It is something else.

It is something else.

So, Wes, how's everything been going?

Yeah, things are good.

I kind of like about six months ago moved here, but like part-time because my wife lives in Toronto, so I'm back and forth all the time.

And yeah, I probably signed up 35 times.

So I was like, and this is your first time getting picked.

Yeah.

Amazing.

That's what it's fun.

Amazing.

You got some other fucking tricks for us, dude?

What's funny?

Yeah, I didn't even really do a real.

I mean, that was just sort of like a

silly little trick right now.

I can do a real trick right now.

You guys want to see a real fucking magic trick?

I do.

So I'll give you the inside scoop.

I need

sometimes him.

What do you need?

No, I was going to

purse, but I'll find that in a second.

You keep talking.

Well, just somebody give him a fucking purse.

We love magic.

We need a huge purse.

We love magic here.

Nice.

And

oh, he's going through the purse.

Very exciting.

Okay.

There's no denim in there.

Anyway, we get trashed and we have him and any other magician that's around do magic tricks while we drink fucking whiskey.

And it's a lot of fun.

It's a pretty good time.

I always say that at the end of the day, up in heaven, when all the entertainers are together, if that's really how heaven works, it's everyone just watching magicians.

That's how I picture it.

That's not much better than good magic.

Tony, do you have any money on you?

I know you always have money on you.

I actually stunned you.

You don't.

No, last night was the Christmas party here.

Whoa, look at new money over here.

What's it like being a rich retard?

Jesus fucking Christ, this fucking guy over here.

Hey.

Whoa, good luck getting that hundred back.

That's illegal.

Ari Shabir signs it.

Mine now.

Okay.

No, you ruined it.

There it is.

So

Ari described himself on here,

and you'd recognize this anywhere, right?

Okay.

You'd recognize this $100 bill anywhere.

You've written on it and everything.

So some magicians will fold $100 really small, and they'll turn it into a dove.

Yeah, I don't do that, but you ever get a chance.

It's pretty cool.

You should check it out.

I do more like that.

It's gone.

Well, Sam, left pocket.

Where the fuck is the money, man?

Check.

Sam, check your left pocket.

Left pocket?

Yeah.

There's no way.

There's nothing in there.

I'm just fucking with you.

Okay.

Oh.

I just want to see if you believed in me.

Here we go.

All right.

So, that's why I got this purse.

This is like a little, you know, a little insurance policy.

See if we can find something here that's worth $100.

Okay.

You're missing $100?

I sure am.

Some magnifying glasses.

Whoa.

In case your husband wants to have sex with you later?

Wow.

Keeping that one.

All right.

Okay.

And then uh a magnifying glass.

What the hell?

Whoa.

Some mini tons.

Oh, this lady's

wow, the security.

Brunerville or Riverside.

Okay.

The security here is so busy butt-fucking handicapped men that they're letting people with knives into the venue.

That is Zach, famous.

If you're wondering what his name is, it's Zach the security guy.

I don't even know what that is.

Butt fucking handicapped men instead of.

I'm not even sure what that is.

Wait, what did I miss here?

Oh, that that is a Hitachi.

Baby one.

Wow.

Red Ban, our senior dildo analyst, knows exactly what it is.

A lemon.

This is what we need.

Can I have the knife back, please?

Please.

Okay, so if you ever misplace your money, you got to check.

You got to check the fruit.

Sometimes inside lemons.

That is a real lemon.

It is dripping.

You can see it.

Oh my god.

There's no way.

If only we had some tongs.

Pull it out.

Now, wait, now put it on the vibrator

Now open it up display it like a magician would here we go.

You like that don't you Ari

Wow this is incredible

It's Ari's name Wow

Unbelievable

Wait Sam's money Ari's signature, my juices.

What a night.

Amazing.

Congratulations.

That was a fun trick, wasn't it?

Yeah, it's my favorite trick ever.

All right, time for me to make that vibrator disappear.

Whoa.

Wait, who put this cum in my pants?

All right, we're having fun.

Oh, and a fart noise on top of it all from Redman.

Oh, you made D-Madness reappear, too.

Absolutely incredible.

He's wondering why

the underside of his hat smells like lemon right now.

He missed all that sound.

D-Madness just challenged that fucking other retard to a fight.

Wait, he's not retarded, are he?

Oh, well, whatever.

He's black.

My God.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Amazing.

Wes,

there's been a lot of rumors of Canada becoming the 51st state of the United States of America.

Have you thought about this?

Dude, I've had so much.

Every three years, I have to get a new visa to work down here.

It's 0-1 visa.

It's expensive.

It's pain in the ass.

So, like, it would kind of annoy me because I have a visa right now and all my friends don't.

But, you know, I mean, it'd be way nicer to work down here.

It's a way better spot.

We could be an American.

All you have to do is never wear that outfit again.

What?

And you could be an American.

You don't like this?

It's

unbelievable.

You're fucking wrong, man.

Okay.

If I'm wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Fantastic, fantastic stuff.

Amazing magic.

That was incredible.

Make a show to the great Wes Barker, everybody.

Thank you.

We're having fun here tonight.

This guy's been on this show before.

He had an unbelievable set, so much so that we had him back in an arena here.

This is his first time in a long time.

This is a brand new minute from a solid comedian.

I hope it goes great tonight.

This is JP Hinsdale, everybody.

The long-awaited return of JP Hinsdale.

What's up, Austin?

Yeah.

I love Texas, man.

You know what?

I love guns.

Yeah.

Guns are a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Mostly my medical bills.

The gun control laws in Texas are weird, though, man.

You know, you can open carry an assault rifle and a sword?

What fucking caliber of gun do I need to get to get you to fuck off back to the Renaissance fair?

I got shit to do today.

It's weird.

It's like the governor wants us to open carry everything, including a baby to term.

Listen,

I'm not dumb enough to think I should have an opinion on abortion.

I do think it's funny that a guy in a wheelchair doesn't believe in accidents.

Because my mom does.

Okay, JP Hinstale, strong eye contact.

Learing at you.

Hello, JP.

How are you?

How's it going, buddy?

Fantastic.

Unbelievable.

You look great.

No, I don't.

I feel like my organs are dying, let's be honest with each other.

You should talk to that stroke guy from earlier.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, we've exchanged numbers.

That's good what what numbers your weight yeah

jp how's life going it's it's going okay man it's it's interesting yeah it's been a weird ride tell us about it i don't know man it's i've been this is the first year i was openly bisexual oh you're bisexual now what a big twist yeah we talked about it unbelievable That's weird.

We went from tie-dye to try-by.

I know.

Look at you.

But you got to try before you buy.

Okay, so what's the analysis?

I've been wondering for 40 years what that would be like.

Tell us.

I didn't really understand

how that was going to go for me.

But it's mostly like a lot of dudes come up with their girlfriend asking if they can hug me and then whispering in my ear that they'll blow me in the bathroom.

Do they?

Do they blow you in the bathroom?

Sometimes.

Sometimes they just, you know, they just want to say it.

I'm looking at the shape of everything.

I know.

It's not.

Is it just...

is there,

do you see something?

They obviously see something I can't, like, physically.

Right.

Yeah.

And no matter who's blowing you, it's just a mystery.

Yeah, I mean,

you literally are.

You just muffled underneath the belly fat, you know?

Because, I mean, where is your dick exactly there?

Because I see a bump.

I know where it is.

Yes.

If you're willing to fund the expedition.

it's in this general region.

I don't think so.

I think it's underneath that.

It's nice and warm, though, isn't it?

It is nice and warm.

And it's important because winter is coming.

Oh, yeah.

No birds are going to come stealing off.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, who are you?

Who's sucking that deck?

I live in the dark corners of the world.

How would you even get into it?

I mean, I'm literally curious where it is.

What's that bulge down there?

I don't know.

Well, when you go like that, it disappears.

You see that next to his left eye?

It's girdles.

Is that your dick?

I'm not saying it's out of lust, but definitely curiosity is what drives them.

Were you gay before, or were you into women?

I was, I'm into both, but like, I just, you know, I had a rough run of it, so things are a little complicated for me in my brain.

You know, you had a rough run of dating?

I had a rough run of everything, really.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How do I beat?

Carefully.

Okay.

Very good question, John Dees.

Yeah.

Let's go back to you fucking anything that moves.

Oh, yeah.

Let's kind of stick on this subject here.

So what exactly, like, what's actually going on here?

I want to know what life is like for Job of the Slut.

Definitely plenty of sci-fi conventions, you know.

I'm big on that.

You know, the big ones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you fucking people?

Sometimes.

You have the body of someone who's going to launch children into a lake.

I don't want to pay child support.

I don't know what to say.

Okay, is that what you're worried about?

Getting someone pregnant?

Sure, why not?

You know.

All right.

Yeah, that's my biggest worry, Tony.

That's why he's fucking gravity.

Yeah, it's like

I got bigger fish to fry, like gravity.

All right.

You look like you have been indeed frying a lot of fish.

Do you regret?

Go ahead.

Do you regret eating Wonka's blueberry?

It is incredible.

I mean, the Snosberries did taste like Snozberry.

What do you do for a living, JP?

Remind us what you do for a living.

Honestly, this...

How do you make money to survive?

I don't.

So how do you survive?

I do okay.

Remember, I had a relative that died, and I've been kind of like living pretty modestly on that.

Okay.

Yeah.

How much was left?

How much was your actual inheritance?

Like, I don't know, man.

It's not like.

You definitely know.

It's not a crazy amount.

It's enough for me to maybe live a couple years and just focus on this.

What's the cost?

Well, yeah.

What's the amount?

I'm like, I'm already.

$45,000?

Something like that, yeah.

Okay.

How much of that is spent on food and crops?

I mean, you want to check my Eats account?

Like, that's, we can, we can, we can trace that, you know.

What do you eat?

What do you eat when you're at home?

What don't you eat?

What's left at home?

What's your go-to?

You get like a loaf of bread and some

noodles.

I know.

It's late night Thai food.

It's the death of me, literally.

What is it?

It's like, well, this is the reason I can't feel my foot.

Can you not feel your foot?

Sometimes, but also, I have the fucked up leg, so it's like hard to gauge.

Is this diabetes or just nature?

Right.

Got the old gay leg.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, what do you eat at night?

I mean, I mean, Thai food, usually.

Thai food.

Yes, Thai food.

Any Thai food I can get.

Well, you can't tie a belt.

No, I can't.

No, I can't.

And Velcro doesn't work either.

Thai food's kind of healthy, though.

Oh, our senior health correspondent, Brian Redban, everybody.

Thai food.

Doesn't pad Thai straight noodles.

Straight gluten.

I'm glad that late at night, and it's being analyzed as healthy.

I'm glad my nutritionist finally chimed in.

So

the guy who posted about eating a moldy Wendy's burger last week is telling us that Thai food is healthy.

Breaking news.

A man who's never touched broccoli in half a century.

Oh, you're offended about my you've never touched broccoli.

Okay.

JP, what's the most disgusting thing that you ever ate to where you're like, God damn, I'm disgusting?

I had chicken fried bacon dipped in maple syrup.

Yeah.

How was it?

Like,

it was really good, and then like something went wrong in my brain where I felt, like, it's when I knew I went too far.

No, it was a blood clot.

Yeah.

It kind of, it kind of made, like something went off.

I kind of like tripped for a minute.

Like it was not good.

I was like, I shouldn't have done this.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's too much of a good thing.

Absolutely.

It's like Texas.

It just, it all cancels.

It's too much, and then it cancels itself out, and then you die.

And then.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's like when you take a bunch of different kinds of drugs and let them find them out for your affection, you know?

Yeah, but instead it's bad thy and egg rolls.

Exactly.

Oh, no.

I mean, I'm a big fat guy, but get it together, baby.

You can't be chicken-frying bacon.

Do you want to be my life coach?

No.

Do you have siblings, JP?

Is there like a 600-pound sister or something?

No, no.

How much do you weigh?

378.

I don't buy that for a second.

Let's get the scale, everybody.

This is a special segment on the show.

No

What did you say?

378?

What do you think, Tony?

What do you think?

What did he say?

Hey, oh, no.

Hold on.

Timeout, everybody.

What did he say?

378?

Hey, and that was the last time I had a scale that wasn't broken, so I'm just

7-8.

That's what I've been sticking with, so I don't put a gun in my mouth.

Well, we got it.

You would just eat it.

We also have a gun here, everybody.

So very exciting.

What's your number, Tony?

I'm guessing 412.

412 is actually what my initial guess was going to be.

Hey, should I go?

So say we're going prices right?

I'll go to this point.

Should I go shoes on or shoes up?

That's the bad guy move.

I was going to ask you.

That's really going to go over the top.

Sorry, take away the.7

shoes.

Hey,

we should weigh the shoes first and then I'll put them back on.

I'm going to go 390 here.

I'll read it.

I read it for you when you step up.

420 for Ari.

That's a safe bet.

I'll take the under.

I'll take 377.

377.

a very optimistic pick

by the great Sam Talent.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here live in front of everyone, the scale is being activated by the great Ari Shafir.

Yoni has brought an iPhone close to the stage.

Ari at 199.

This is one of those moments we will never forget as JP Hinsdale.

Oh!

The scale is making.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, take your shoes off!

Oh my God.

Take your shoes off.

Scale is freaking out.

Oh, my God.

Ladies and gentlemen, 437 pounds.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

I just explained some things.

This explains a few things.

JP, please.

Just a couple of things.

It explains a lot.

I beg of you to wait like at least a couple months before killing yourself.

Don't do it like the night that this episode comes.

I mean, I'm so far along.

Let's just let nature take its course.

Just take note that everybody underbid, including Ari's extremely bold 420.

You are about,

it was flaring on every inhale and exhale.

It was going up between about 435 and 442.

But I probably lost 10 just coming up here, so.

Well, it was going up and out.

I'll take the win, you know.

At some point, the scale said what the fuck man yeah

it said humans only yeah oh my god you should have taken your hat and glasses off i know man yeah

have you ever weighed in nude

yes yeah that's fucked i've done that it makes me sad for other reasons yeah yeah Because all the fucking young doctors come in to laugh.

It's fucked, man.

Dude, you're 70 pounds heavier than you thought you were.

Yes.

Yeah.

That is a big deal.

That's one Tony.

It's been a little bit rough, too.

It's true.

It's been a little bit rough on the therapy, and it's, you know, it happens.

It's been rough on the bones and joints, too.

Yeah.

Okay, so I'm not a doctor.

My wife is.

I'm just going to tell you you should avoid wicker furniture.

Yeah.

Honestly, fuck it.

It should avoid me.

If it was sentient, it would.

Then that's that fucking problem, you know?

No patio parties for you.

No hammocks.

No hammocks for sure.

No, no, no.

Is there some type of physical activity that you think you could get into if

someone like helped you or something?

If you had some kind of support?

Is there something?

Perhaps, you know, Michael Gonzalez works out every day at On It Gym.

How would you like to have a little buddy, Michael?

Would you want to take a buddy to Onit with you?

Would you like to take me on as an anchor to your progress?

How does that sound?

You want to take them working out?

Yeah, let's fucking do it.

There you go.

You're working out with Michael Gonzalez.

Here's the big joke, book.

You know, I'd love to have you on the secret show, though.

Oh,

someone wants to fucking eat some Thai food with you.

I think you're saying Thai people, by the way.

It's a lot of stuff.

Well, he is into both ladies and boys.

He's got charisma, this guy, though.

A lot of charisma.

Yeah.

A lot of charisma.

It's called Crisco, but...

Carisco.

We love you, JP.

You're the man.

You're very, very likable.

Love you too, man.

Thank you.

JP Hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes.

Alright.

See ya.

On to the next one we go.

We're gonna go with somebody a lot more fit.

One of the regulars of the show, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom.

Not easy to write and perform a brand new minute every single week in front of millions of people.

But somehow, this young buck.

Does it week after week after week.

I present to you one of the true top young rising comedians in the world the one and only the great and powerful this is cam patterson

yeah yeah man

smile bitch please god damn

bitch look evil in the front row that's evil as fuck

I just changed my profession.

I am now a magician.

Somebody give me a purse.

Somebody please give me a purse

I'm magic now nigga I do magic shit

that was easy as fuck I do magic give me a purse that's easy as fuck

that guy was fat as hell back to this minute that's not gonna work here we go oh

you know I went to the I went to the Black History Museum in

DC what's so fucking funny that's not funny I went and I saw a lot of history and it was dope.

I liked it a lot.

My favorite part about the whole museum was I met this thick-ass white bitch and she was crying at the Emmy-Till exhibit.

So I whistled at her.

Because

times have changed.

If you so sad for the nigga bitch, make it up to me.

That's my time.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck yes, Cam Patterson.

It was amazing.

I didn't realize until you acknowledged it how many women offered up their purse to a white Canadian guy wearing nothing but denim.

So fast.

Every woman was like, I have a purse.

Take mine, huh?

All of the same women put theirs under their chair when you came out.

It's incredible.

I never had a purse, nigga.

Please.

Please go back behind that curtain, nigga.

It's good, man.

Very fun.

Did you really go to the Black History Museum?

Hell yeah.

What's that like?

It was dope, man.

My little cousin.

hate you, Red, man.

That's some bullshit.

Nah, you know what was bad about it?

It was really, it was really bad.

They had uh, so the whole thing was dope.

It was cool as shit to see all of it.

But the worst part is that after my whole family was there, my mom's birthday was this weekend, and my grandma came.

My little cousin came.

Were you guys part of the exhibit, or were you just going there to check things out?

My grandma was, but uh,

my grandma was like, I knew that bitch.

because she old, but uh

nah, it was uh it was dope.

The worst part about it, though, the worst part is that in there's like a cafeteria there, and all they sold was fried chicken and collard greens.

And I thought that was some bullshit.

Yeah, I did not like that at all.

But the rest of it was pretty cool, man.

So, is it mostly black people going there?

Like, man, I can't believe they did this to us.

No, it was white people, it's white people going.

God, I'm glad.

God, I'm white.

It was white as fuck.

Why?

A lot lot of white people in there.

If I told you, a thick-ass white bitch in the, she was thick as hell, bro.

Now, did they

have to get this stuff?

Is like a normal building?

Is it like fire sprinklers, or do they just have big hoses and stuff?

Like, what exactly is.

Black History Museum jokes, ladies and gentlemen.

A rare treat on this show, though.

Nigga, that's hilarious.

Thank you.

That's funny as fuck.

Thank you.

Deep Madness is looking down.

I can't get a read on if he does this.

Who put put it again with these hats?

No, what do you mean?

That's a beautiful hat.

That's a Gucci,

Gucci hat he's wearing.

He don't know what he got on.

That's what I'm upset about.

He don't know.

What is it?

Hey, they don't touch a blind person without.

Nigga, I ain't touch your hat.

Nigga, it was him.

No, that was John D's.

I'm all the way over here.

That was John Dee's.

That was the other one.

I'm all the way over here.

I swear to God.

It was the other one.

It's like we're at the museum.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Wait, it was John D's, man.

Wait.

Nah, it was John D's.

Wait, even Dee Madness.

What do you guys say?

Even Dee Madness can't tell them apart.

It's true.

It's true.

All their hands smell the same.

The cocoa butter scented hand was the

cocoa butter and black and white.

I'm colorblind too, D.

Yeah, we're all just human beings.

Yeah, but how many, how much do you have visual parts?

Yeah, I have visual.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Yeah.

That's the funniest way to say, do you see shit?

Yeah.

Do you have visual dope nigga?

Yeah.

Okay, then.

Do you have visual?

You just sight-checked me.

He's going to pull my card.

Can you see, pussy?

Okay, then.

I'm gonna just be quiet.

He's colored blind.

This party is out of control.

It's like when the exhibits come alive at the museum.

Yeah, that's what happened.

So much talking about the Black History Museum.

All of a sudden, we got two black people bullying a black

bass player.

It's called progress.

It is progress, man.

We're making progress.

Nigga, life is good.

I love it.

I love it.

Okay, D-Madness.

Jesus.

Now he's talking about how good his memory is.

I might not be able to see a thing, but I never forget a bitch.

Like, what?

It's got like all these blind catchphrases.

God bless D-Madness.

And God bless the United States of America

So Cam the Road's been good DC was fun.

Hell yeah, Black History Museum.

There's a lot there.

Yeah, it was it was dope.

My little cousin was took out of school so she can come see it with my grandma and shit.

And she didn't give a fuck about none of them.

She's six.

Like I was trying to be like, look, that's Harriet Tubman.

She's like, Harriet Bubbman, and then walked away.

Yeah.

She don't give a fuck about none of that shit.

But she had a good the funniest shit, you know, I be doing vlogs and shit on the road.

Yeah.

And my auntie is like, uh, that's like my, that's a thug.

That's like my best friend.

And she called me and she was like, you see, that's her daughter.

She was like, you see my daughter?

And

I want to tell you something.

Put that bitch on camera.

She's a star.

Usually when people call about their kids, they go, don't put my kid on camera.

My auntie was like, put that bitch on camera.

She's a star.

Hell yeah.

And we didn't.

I'm the only star in this family, nigga.

Damn right.

Damn right.

And it continues.

The great and and powerful Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.

Make some goddamn noise for Cam Patterson.

All right, back to the bucket we go.

This is another new name.

Make some noise for Peter Grant, everybody.

We're gonna meet them all together now.

Peter Grant.

You guys can probably tell by my accent that I'm an alcoholic.

So, yeah, fuck yeah.

Cheers.

Have one for me.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Good to see you.

As rough as I seem, I get it.

My day job, I work with people with special needs.

Thank you, one person.

Fuck up.

Yeah.

I work in construction.

Yeah, so everyone that I work with has special needs.

Fuck yeah.

Do you any blue-collar boys in here?

Not enough.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I'm a carpenter.

I hear you guys need a wall built.

Not by an immigrant.

Hell yeah.

I only have myself to blame for getting into construction as well because I took career advice from a man named Benny Banassi.

A couple familiarities, fuck yeah.

If you don't know the song, the music video came out when I was 12 years old old and it was just a bunch of hot chicks doing construction work in slow motion.

I was 12.

It's like, all right, Captain, sign me up, right?

It was just...

Yeah.

Now I just get called queer for a living.

Fuck yeah, I'm Peter Grant.

Thank you guys.

All right.

Peter Grant.

Welcome, welcome.

Hey, Tony Inchcliffe.

How are you?

Hello.

How are you, Peter Grant?

How long have you been on stand-up?

Just over six years now.

Where at?

Mostly up in Vancouver, Canada.

Okay.

Yeah.

And

the accent originates from Australia.

Which part?

Melbourne.

Outside Melbourne in the country.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a little small town boy.

Hey, Sam Talon, how you going?

And you really work construction?

I do.

I'm a carpenter.

Okay.

Yeah.

A carpenter.

All right.

Carpenter.

Sorry, man.

No, it's good.

It's good.

Look, you don't have to do it.

You could sound like a great hero.

I used to have long hair.

You used to have long hair.

Yeah, Jesus was my inspiration for a while.

Okay.

And then I found out that was bullshit, right, Texas.

What does that mean to you exactly?

I grew up Catholic and then started smoking weed and I like conspiracies more than God, I think.

Now you believe in conspiracies and you don't believe in God?

Yeah.

What do you think created the universe?

The Anunnaki.

Wow.

Okay.

Sorry, I'm one of those fuckers.

It's got a point.

It's okay.

Then you was built on that.

That makes some sense.

You're part of that bloodline, right?

The internet.

Yeah.

Yeah, we came a long time before these were recorded.

All right, Peter.

So now you live in Vancouver or what?

I just got married this year to an American woman.

So I'm legally down here, married, spousal visa.

Where does she live?

She's from West Virginia, but she lives with me now, Tony.

Where at?

Austin, Texas for now.

Okay, for now.

Are you planning on moving somewhere?

Yes, we've got a house up in Canada that needs to get off our mortgage, and then we're down here.

So you're going to move back up to Canada and then sell the house and then back down to Austin.

Yeah.

Okay.

What does she do for work?

She's a retired chef.

She's a retarded chef.

I can't imagine how delicious

this high food must be.

I know a 470-pound man that would love to be married to a retarded chef.

Yes.

JP.

What gave it away?

The fact I walked down the stairs.

Yeah, yeah.

Is he still walking down?

Yeah.

Do the stairs still exist?

Give me the stroke guy are in a race right now.

It has been a true freak show here today.

What's the freakiest thing about you, Peter Grant?

I love cigarettes.

Oh, wow, yeah.

That's such an Australian answer.

I like the romanticization of it, though.

Uh-huh.

Thank you, Red Band.

Just look at Brian.

What do you mean exactly?

Just look at Brian right now.

I don't need to look at Brian.

I've worked with him for over a decade.

Why don't you describe using your artistic capabilities exactly what you mean?

I only have two heroes in life.

One is Melania Trump, and I've already accomplished that.

And my second guy is...

I married.

What do you mean you've already accomplished that?

I married to get into the country.

Oh, Jesus.

What?

It's not funny.

My wife's American.

Sorry.

So romantic.

You were doing really well for a minute.

No, we're deeply in love.

Like, I love my wife.

That's not a question.

I wasn't asking that.

No, I feel like I have to retort what I said before.

Sure, sure.

Okay, the most interesting thing about your entire life, Peter, because you seem kind of like you have like construction guy vibes that just like aren't really, it's not really hilarious to me.

You seem like a normal guy that's like trying it out, kind of.

Or maybe you're nervous or something.

A little bit nervous, I'd say, for sure, Tony.

Absolutely.

So give us something crazy.

Tell us something nuts.

You ever almost die or save something?

Yeah, I was the first responder on a guy that jumped off a bridge a couple years ago.

Could he land on JP?

He wouldn't be the first responder that he had.

He'd be fine, yeah.

No, yeah, I held a man while he was dying, and uh, yeah.

What did you say to him?

You're gonna be okay,

you're gonna be just fine.

I know you can tell by my accent that, um,

don't mind the didgerido.

I just have a little Australian gas.

Um,

as you can tell by my accent, I'm an alcoholic.

Uh,

Looks like you need some special needs that I cannot take care of.

What did you say to him?

I'm sorry, mate.

This is not...

It's not looking so good.

You jumped off a fucking bridge.

He already had the hospital tag on, so he already still had hospital.

Oh, wow.

Ready to go.

Yeah, he escaped out of a mental institution?

I believe so, and then jumped.

off the bridge and then I was just telling him to keep breathing because I didn't know what else to do.

Good work, bro.

Yeah, that's excellent work.

Could someone say that to me now?

Keep breathing.

All right.

This country's lucky to have you.

Thank you, Sam Town.

I appreciate it.

Your wife is, for a living, is a retired chef.

She picks and chooses her job.

She doesn't really work full-on anymore.

She does expedition chef all around the world, so she gets to pick and choose where she goes now.

Retired has a different meaning in this country.

She's a part-time chef.

Part-time.

There you go.

She's a chef who's on Smoco.

That's good for me.

I get it.

I get it.

Yeah, so I like it.

What do you miss most about Australia?

I was just back there, and

Texas has a lot of it, but it's just easy.

It feels like

here, there's a lot of stuff going on in the cities.

I know that sounds like a fucking retarded stake back there, but it's just everything's calm, and I miss the calm.

It's a lot more here.

I'm from a small country town.

I'm not used to the cities.

So I've been living in Vancouver.

It's not much of a city company.

What do you hate most about Australia?

The people.

What do you miss most about Canada?

Not much.

What do you hate the most about Canada?

Oh, Trudeau, probably.

Okay.

I've lived there and watched him.

What do you love most about America?

I love

your amendments.

I think that it's good to have a structure in play.

Oh, how'd that win you got?

I like that you have to go to the bottom.

You finally got the crowd on your side.

Ride the wave.

Ride the wave.

You still have a chance.

Final question: What do you hate most about America?

How hard it was to get in, but I guess that's a good thing.

I think we need stronger,

stronger fucking, what's the word?

Borders.

Yes, thank you, Red Band.

Red Band helping me for a change.

Look at this.

It's happening here.

Little joke book.

There he goes.

Peter Grant.

All right.

Peter Grant.

Peter Grant.

He's a normal guy.

All right, everybody.

All right.

We're having fun out there still.

All right.

Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

We're going to meet them all together.

It's Leno Rodriguez.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Leno

Rodriguez.

Let's put on this show before.

Here we go.

All right, guys.

Lately, I've been trying to be a good boy

because I've been a nasty boy.

I've been a nasty boy.

I'm trying to be sober.

I'm trying to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and the occasional cocaine and prostitute.

I call it New York sober.

New York sober.

Yeah.

No, I'm just Joshing guys.

I fucking hate coffee.

You know, cigarettes are cool.

I'd rather die early than be bored for seven minutes, you know?

Everyone thinks they look cool when they smoke a cigarette.

I think you have to look cool before the cigarette ever enters the equation.

Yeah, some people look like James Bond, 007.

But when I smoke a cigarette, I look like I belong outside of a waffle house.

They call me double eggs over easy.

I don't know, guys.

Lately, I've been listening to house music in my studio apartment because I'm optimistic, you know?

That's the same reason why I listen to Yacht Rock on my canoe.

Anybody else?

There you go.

Jesus Christ.

I thought it was never going to end.

Leno Rodriguez.

Seems like you had a lot of fun up there.

You got some laughs proving that this audience

isn't perfect.

You know what I mean?

Some people are just laughing at the space in which it seemed like there should have been laughing, but no real reason for laughter at all at almost any point throughout the entire thing.

Is that how it's been going?

Ari Shapir, what do you think about that?

Yeah, you have like a Mitch Hedberg delivery, but like a fat Mark Norman face.

Yeah.

I thought his delivery was like Mitch Hedberg now.

I'm like Mitch Hedberg just on the inside, you know.

Yeah, Mitch Bretberg.

You fat guy.

So, yeah, you fat fuck.

How much do you think you weigh, Leno?

I'm like 170, 180.

No, no, no.

No way.

What?

How much do you actually think you weigh?

Like 200.

Get that fucking scale out here.

Even Biden.

Don't step on it yet.

Don't step on it.

Wait, Mike, don't step on it.

All right, let's sit.

No, don't step on it.

Leno, take fucking direction.

Leno.

I'm listening.

I'm listening, sir.

Nino.

All right.

What do you really think you weigh, Leno?

He started sweating all of a sudden, by the way, out of nowhere.

Not during his sweat was there, not during his set.

All right.

If I'm being honest with you, Leno, look over here.

Because you seem to be getting lost in the lights.

You have

an inordinate amount of confidence.

I don't know where it comes from.

You're just like a fucking rock star with no fucking instrument or talent in the world.

Focus.

Yes, sir.

What do you truly think that you weigh?

Probably like 260.

Okay, there you go.

That's a real guess.

I was going to guess 200.

260.

I think we all about agree.

Go ahead.

Let's step on the scale.

You said 170.

I love how Sam's putting the mic up to the.

What do we got there, Sam?

265!

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my God.

170, bro.

You had so much fucking confidence when you said that.

I've been eating my vegetables.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I know you haven't.

I thought I looked good.

I thought I looked good.

All right.

You didn't think that that would happen.

What a nightmare.

You know what will curb your appetite, Leno?

Is some Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

Have you gotten a small joke book before?

I have gotten that before.

Yes.

Well, there you go.

Fill it up.

Leno Rodriguez, everybody.

There he goes.

There goes Leno.

Yeah, you're done.

We're going to fight through some bucket pulls here as they get

worse and worse.

The horn players love a fellow Rodriguez.

Your next bucket pull, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Eric Galagos, everybody.

Eric Galagos or Galagos.

Here he is.

You guys, I recently matched with a girl on Tinder and her bio said, Fun and Down to Earth.

Yeah, I wish I knew that was code for living in a tent.

Dude, I was walking down 6th Street earlier and I saw someone with a shirt that said end Alzheimer's.

Yeah, it's like with what, a shotgun?

Dude, y'all ever notice how potholes and crackheads are really similar?

Yeah, you know, it's like they both spend all their time in the street.

All they do is annoy people.

And when you run one over, you're like, ugh.

I blame the city.

Anyway, the election's finally over, right?

You know, some are really excited.

Some are really sad.

I mean, I'm worried because pretty sure I'm getting kicked out of women's basketball next year.

Hell yeah, that's my time, guys.

Thank you.

A solid set.

That was good.

That's how it's done.

He had the same confidence as the last comedian.

That's it.

But he had actual jokes on this one, some smart, witty things.

Hell yeah.

Good work, man.

Thanks.

I like the homeless pothole thing.

That was good.

That was pretty good.

Hell yeah.

Thanks, dude.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm about to hit two years in January.

And you've been on this show before.

Yeah, I was on in June.

Right.

And how did that go?

It went okay.

Not as good as this, though.

No, not at all.

You've been working hard.

You've gotten a lot better.

Dude, I'm fucking trying, man.

Austin's awesome.

The opportunity's here.

Do you think it helps to follow a complete zero?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe a little bit.

Yeah.

It's a lot easier to go up after a human nothing, right?

Yeah.

More like lean?

No.

Yeah.

Oh, it was Leno.

Yeah, that was Leno.

Not Lean.

Okay.

So, Eric,

tell us about what it's like being a young comic here in Austin that's working and progressing.

So, you've been doing it for two years.

You're just trying to fucking stay happy.

Good luck.

Tell us about that.

What's that process like for you?

Sorry to interrupt.

I just try to take it really seriously.

Try to just every free moment.

I don't work as much as I used to.

I work part-time so I can put more.

What's that job?

I fix cell phones.

Oh, okay.

You look like a falconer.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah.

You should have a gauntlet on.

Put your arm out.

Let's see what happens.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Red band has no comedic timing whatsoever.

Great.

Red band.

You actually look to see if he would do it.

I wouldn't be surprised if they had a bunch of training.

The deep madness approach to the sound effect board over here.

Fuck yeah.

The old no-look red bands out of messies.

The bird landed before you put your arm out.

That's how great of a falconer you are.

It's incredible.

Have you made any friends out here?

Are there other warlocks in town?

Yeah.

A couple.

Yeah, a couple guys under bridges.

A couple trolls.

If we had to guess which of these comedians was the up-close magician,

it would have for sure been you.

Yeah, no doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

Do you know any magic tricks?

I know how to make a girl disappear.

Not bad.

That's frightening.

Very crazy answer there.

But it's a comedy show, so we'll just let it ride.

You look like you kill women, is what he's saying.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty good at it.

If you're lucky, all you do is kill them.

Rape.

So.

Eric, what is your love life like?

Do you go on dates?

I've been on a couple dates here in Austin.

Nothing.

I never go on a second date.

Which is what?

Let them put them in your trunk?

The best date.

Get a collection.

The best date you've had in Austin.

How did that go for you?

I took a girl to see Casey Rocket.

Okay.

It was pretty good.

She said she'd never seen a comedy show.

I wanted to take her away.

Okay, how did that night end for you?

Did she just avoid your advances?

Sideways.

Yeah.

It was a a show, right?

It wasn't through a telescope.

No, it was an actual show.

Okay.

No, it went pretty well.

She was pretty cool.

I introduced her to some friends.

It was cool, though.

She was very interested in my black friends.

She suddenly

got very black all of a sudden.

Wow.

Ooh.

I love your set.

I was like, where did this come from?

Wow.

What do they call that?

A code change?

What is that?

Code switch.

Code switch.

That one.

They used to just call it a switch.

Okay.

So she went and fucked a black guy that day.

Let's go to your worst date in Austin, Texas.

How's that gone?

She just, did it start by her fucking a black guy?

I'll be right out.

I drove like there's like a town 30 minutes south of Austin.

You gotta be cool about this.

Oh, don't you dab eat nothing in my pussy before I go on this date.

Hey, get that bitch-ass falcon out of here.

Hey,

whose bitch-ass falcon it is?

Make a stew.

He ain't even got his arm up.

What's that?

He's gonna steal my damn wig.

All right, well.

That laugh and stare at you was pretty evil.

He was like, ha ha.

Keep it up, fat man.

I'll be wearing you soon.

It's enough meat to feed my falcon for a year.

Oh, yeah.

What do you think you weigh?

Don't overestimate by, you know.

I think I've weighed the same weight for like the last like 15 years.

Wow.

I think I weigh like 155, 60.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I would bet on that.

And there's no need to check.

I don't have very much meat on my bones.

Eric, what's your weirdest hobby?

You seem like a guy that has some weird hobbies, something wacky.

Not crying.

That's my weirdest hobby.

Do you cry?

I cry a lot.

How often?

If the movie's good, I'll just start crying.

I don't know why.

I just, I lean into it.

How often are we talking about?

Once a day, once a week, three times a week, once a week.

Thrice, yes, three times a week.

Let's say that

full balling.

Shakes.

No.

Just tears.

Only if it's Star Wars.

Tears that roll down your eyes.

Yeah.

Like a lot of tears are like an Indian that sees one person.

Only when the door is closed.

I cry at movies too.

Schindler's list makes me cry.

It does.

I hate the ending.

Fuck you, man.

That's fucking bullshit.

What the fuck?

All right, Eric.

Well, you have a big joke book already?

A little joke book?

Sir, I got a big one.

Okay, well, there he goes, Eric.

There it is.

Galagos, everyone.

All right.

Another bucket pull.

Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name.

Make some noise for Judah Z.

Judah Z.

What's going on, Austin?

Doing good.

I'm feeling pretty good.

I'm having my birthday come up soon.

I'm turning 41.

People tell me I look great for 41, but that's not fair because people look like shit.

Again, in my middle age is not all that bad, you know, like all middle-aged men.

I always know the seven-day AccuWeather forecast.

That's right, I always know the weather, but that's because I'm Jewish.

And it's easy to know it when you control it.

All right.

I'm actually in interfaith marriage.

I'm Jewish.

My wife's anti-Semitic.

Can't blame it to how we raise the kids, you know?

Growing up Jewish, I actually always thought I was going to marry a Jewish girl.

But then I decided to marry an attractive one instead.

My sister hates that joke.

Yeah, her and her ugly kids.

People think, because,

oh, that's it.

All right.

Thank you guys.

I'm Judas E.

Okay.

Abrupt ending there.

Normally a true Jew would make the most of their time.

I thought I'd cut it a little short.

Give you, that was a Jewish minute, 56 seconds.

There you go.

Yeah, wait till you get paid, then go the whole time.

So, Judah, Judah, Judah.

Judah, Judah, day.

I saw the name, and I'm like, oh, fuck.

I didn't put my last name because it's even more Jewish.

What is it?

I knew it was short for the Jewenstein.

No, what's very good?

What's Hirsch?

Hirsch?

Yeah, I'm not sure.

It's less Jewish.

Why not H?

It says Zeb is my middle name.

Oh, okay.

Even more Jewish.

Wow, Judah Zeb Hirsch.

Yeah, sure.

Christ God.

I know.

You're really making it easy on the comment section right now.

Yeah.

Spamming it away.

Right.

Because you guys can have spam, right?

It's not real pork.

I'm a good Jew, so I eat bacon every day, but only great value bacon.

Okay.

What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you?

I'm offensively Jewish.

Yeah, I'm okay at business.

And, you know, my name is Judah.

That's pretty Jewish about me.

That's it?

Yeah, that's kind of it.

Nothing else.

I'm circumcised.

Would you like to see what happens when I ask Ari Shafir the same question?

And he's King Jew, though.

No, that's Jesus Christ.

Ari.

Yeah, what's the question, Tony?

What's some Jewish stuff about you?

You Jewish at all?

Barely.

I paid $13 in taxes last year.

Not happy about that.

That's a waste of $13.

Still kind of bothers me.

I guess that would be the most Jewish thing about it.

It still bothers me, the $13 I paid in combined federal and state taxes last year.

Yes.

I'm upset you brought that up because I kind of buried that.

But he's more Jewish than me.

Yeah, that is...

Yeah.

You beat me.

That's why he's the king Jew.

Yeah.

I wonder which one of you would last longest in a gas chamber.

That's what makes them sort of.

I smoke a lot of people.

Tommy's already holding his breath.

Here we go.

Oh, I got Ari all the way on this one.

Judah's shorter.

The gas won't get him.

All right.

Judah, what do you do for a living?

I don't do too much now, but I used to do a living.

Who, bro?

What are these answers?

So why don't you just answer the fucking question?

I don't do too much.

You're going to be interested to know when I come around to answering the question that you asked.

What the fuck do you do?

I don't work now, but I used to.

What did you do?

I used to work for a James Bond villain.

Okay, what did you do for a James Bond villain?

I was like a henchman.

Okay, what does that mean?

You know, like if you're a James Bond villain, you're like, hey, I need someone to buy me like a nuclear sub.

You got to ask somebody to go do it.

Do that or like sell missiles.

He's riffing, man.

No, no, this is a true.

Yeah, this is what I used to do.

What do you mean?

What exactly did you used to do?

You used to work for a guy who is now in jail he's like a real-life james bond villain yeah and i was like his like right-hand henchman okay well he's in jail so let's talk about it you don't have to be so vague yeah you already told the judge tell us

i i thankfully i was away but yeah don't worry he's been convicted but yeah is it is he in jail or a floating glass box

they got him in federal penitentiary here yeah so he was like he was like an international criminal yeah there's like a few books about him like a documentary or two.

What is his name?

His name is Paul LaRue.

Okay.

Paul LaRue, yeah.

You could Google him.

Yeah, you'll see him.

And what exactly did you do for him instead of such broad?

I was his henchman.

So

he set up a very large criminal empire in the Philippines.

And I was living.

Oh, no.

I know.

That's what I want to say.

That's what that means.

No prostitutes.

No, they weren't.

Yeah, they weren't prostitutes because they can't consent.

They can't speak.

They could be consenting.

They don't speak English.

Yeah, but 14 is

still too young.

All right.

It's legal there.

That doesn't make it okay.

How do you spell that, LaRue?

L-E-R-O-U-X.

L-E-U.

Oh, Frenchie.

Oh, yeah.

Look at him.

Did you like hang out with him?

Yeah, I had to meet him every day at like 5 p.m.

at his house.

He's a full crazy guy.

Yeah.

Wow.

How long did you do that for?

Like two years in my early 20s.

What's the craziest thing he made to do it?

I mean, me,

I had to go to Papua New Guinea and like bribe some forest ministers and stuff like that.

But he was into crazy stuff.

He was like selling missiles to the Iranians.

And

really?

Yeah.

His Wikipedia is hearty.

Or like a Wikipedia.

Yeah.

It was a good time, though.

You know, I was in my early 20s.

We had a good time.

Did he pay you well?

Yeah, I got paid pretty well.

What's pretty well?

What's the hourly wage for a henchman?

Yeah.

You don't really work by the hour.

You work on the success of a project, you know, so you'd be like, So, how much money did you make when he sold missiles to Iran?

I was in it.

I didn't do that, but sure, okay.

Like I said, I'm Jewish.

I'm doing all right.

I'm doing all right, but uh, yeah.

You would think, as a Jew, you would want to sell them to Iran.

He's not a Jewish, he's uh, he's South African, a Rhodesian.

Yeah, he's a kind of crazy.

That's the worst one.

Yeah, he's like there when it's from yeah, before they turned it into Zimbabwe.

Yeah, he was uh

kind of crazy guy.

Do you want your last name Z now because of all the genocide you committed?

Alleged genocide.

Okay.

You sound like this guy.

Disputed.

Sound like five Gazans.

Yeah.

Come on.

Who isn't committing genocide there?

They just keep showing it from different angles.

Look at the shadows.

Where's the teeth, you know?

Did you work with him until what, 2019, 2020?

I stopped around 2011.

And then he got arrested in like 2012.

And then he just got sent you rattle like two years ago no no i i'm not i'm not a jew rat don't don't point those jew rat fingers at me no i didn't i didn't rat on him you guys call each other jew rats yeah isn't that a double entendre

it's redundant yeah

you can just say rat yeah yeah or jew

they both a jew rat is like saying an italian dago

all right

are you scared that you just admitted this to millions of people?

No,

I wrote a TV show about it.

I'm trying to.

What was it called?

It's called Henchman.

Oh, Henchman.

Wow.

Henchman.

Yeah.

It's a comedy, true crime comedy.

Oh, you wrote a comedy for the change.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, Tony.

Come on.

We're having fun.

Anti-Semitic jokes landed.

We're having fun here.

Okay, so you really married?

Do you really have an anti-Semitic wife?

Yeah, my wife doesn't like Jews too much.

I can't blame her.

I mean.

Is she Palestinian?

No,

Swiss.

She's Swiss.

Swiss, yeah.

Supposed to be neutral.

Yeah.

No, no.

Definitely not neutral this one.

Yeah.

Definitely does not like Jews.

Can't blame her.

Wow.

Why do you keep saying you can't blame her?

Ari, Ari, Ari.

When you meet an anti-Semite, can you blame them?

Or you're like, I get it.

Remember that joke?

I understand.

Okay.

I'm going to give you a little joke book.

There you go, buddy.

There he goes.

Judah Z.

All right, last bucket pull of the night.

Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night.

Corinne Aaliyah, everybody.

60 seconds uninterrupted from Corinne Aaliyah.

Sparkling water?

That's basically just trans water.

Thank you.

It's not real.

Thank you.

Michael Gonzalez has a nickname at our gym.

Yeah, they call him Big Mike.

It's really crazy, because I never knew he had the same nickname as Michelle Obama.

Thank you.

Thank you.

People are getting upset that they're putting the Ten Commandments up in all the classrooms in Louisiana.

I'm not sure why.

Those kids can't even read.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

My boyfriend has been training jiu-jitsu lately.

And that makes me really happy and excited that he's been training to protect me from all the other homosexuals.

Thank you.

That's it.

Corinne the Galia.

All right.

You've been on this show before.

Yeah.

Welcome back.

You have a new thing where you say thank you all the time after like every joke.

Is that working for you in open mics or something like that?

Yeah.

It is.

Yeah.

How do you think that would play in like an hour-long set if people paid to see you?

Saying thank you 158 times.

I like it.

They would like it.

I like it.

I think it works.

You like it?

Yeah.

And you think it works.

I can't wait to see which direction this goes.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You are.

You're very welcome.

It is.

It plays well in a minute.

What time do you have to be back in the home?

What does that mean?

Thank you.

It works.

It works.

What ethnicity are you again?

Kajestani.

That's right.

Yep.

Explain to Ari Shafir what that is.

Yeah, let him know if you.

What is it, Dagestani?

No, so I'm Path Cajun.

My mom is from Louisiana, and that is Pakistani.

My path.

Kajestani.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got nothing, fellas.

That means you can't read, and you're not allowed to read.

Yep.

Yeah.

Hey, Ari, thank you.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Is it true that you go to the same gym as Michael Gonzalez?

Yeah.

This was a big, big reveal.

Did they really call him Big Mike?

I think, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, I saw his name.

He signed up for something.

I was like, who the hell is this?

And it's like, Michael Gonzalez, like, oh, wow.

You signed up for something as Big Mike?

Oh.

Oh.

My goodness.

I can't believe you're signing up for things as Big Mike.

This is amazing.

Is the gym just for petite brown people?

No.

I said petite.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

Thank you.

I didn't actually know that.

I thought it was you.

Oh.

It's for sure you.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Big Mike Gonzalez is a new nickname on this show, everybody.

Big Mike.

Join the front.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I appreciate that.

Okay.

Big Mike.

You sign up as Big Mike.

So what's been going on with you since the last time you were on the show, Corinne Aaliyah?

A lot of things.

Okay, Michael, stop talking to the rest of the band.

You can talk to them after the show.

He's literally in the in-ear microphone for the rest of the band, going, She literally made this shit up, guys.

Yeah.

I did not sign up as Big Mike.

We're 15 minutes away.

You can rationalize you calling yourself Big Mike after this.

Yeah.

As soon as I started the joke, he was like, oh, God.

And I was like, yeah.

I told him I was going to say it before I got on.

Yeah.

She's like, you'll thank me later.

Yep.

Yep.

All right.

So.

Not that much, just training, just working out, doing Muay Thai.

I still do that a lot, three times a week.

There was a guy up here who was eating Muay Thai earlier.

Yes.

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

I love Thai food too.

Yeah.

We are the same.

And you really have a boyfriend that you work out with?

Yes.

And does you guys all work out at the same gym as Big Mike over here?

Yes.

Who's stronger?

Your boyfriend or Big Mike?

Tell the truth now.

Oh, shit.

Oh,

shit.

Oh, shit.

Tell the truth now, Big Mike says.

Big Mike, Big Mike, Big Mike, Big Mike.

Oh, he loves it.

He loves this new nickname.

Oh, yeah.

I think we know the answer.

I think we know the answer.

Oh wow.

He wants to take off his shirt so badly, ladies and gentlemen.

Take it off.

He's going to reveal why they call him Big Mike.

You want to take it off?

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Wow.

Oh my God.

Damn.

Wow.

Damn.

Hell yeah.

Why do you encourage him?

85 pounds of shredded beef.

Absolutely big.

Wow.

Hey, Big Mike, thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

That is one of the most ripped quesadillas I've ever seen in my entire life.

You see his cum gutters?

Those are pretty nice.

Yeah.

There you go.

That's a crunch wrap right there.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely unbelievable.

What's your boyfriend do for fun?

he's uh around.

He's around,

yeah.

Like around, like he's a big fat guy?

What do you mean?

He's around here.

He's always around here, yeah.

Are you avoiding a gunshot?

Yeah.

No, no.

Okay.

He's uh Jesus.

Jesus.

He's Jesus.

Oh, it's Josh.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Now who's taking it?

Wow, Jesus.

Josh, the guy that helps deep Madness.

Good job, Josh.

Wow, that's incredible.

I can't believe...

I would not have guessed that about

innocent little Josh.

Where'd he go?

He went into hiding?

Where'd he go?

He walked off.

He's very shy.

He can't believe that this has come up.

Josh, do you want to pop your head out here?

Wow, yeah, he does.

Oh, there he is.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

He almost fell over.

The guy in charge making sure Madness is safe at all times just almost fell over.

Put that hat on D Madness.

Oh, oh, okay.

You Pakistani bitch.

I love it when D gets a little mad.

He gets defensive sometimes.

And this guy drinks all evening long.

From the time this sound checks.

A lot of people don't know that D Madness, as well as being a great musician and famously homophobic,

loves having a few cocktails at night.

And towards the end of the show, he could get a little wild.

Hell yeah.

That was your boyfriend?

Yeah.

Have you always been attracted to much older men?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okie-dokey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you get a big joke book last time you were on?

I got a big one and a little one.

There you go.

There she goes.

Corinna Leah, everybody.

On to the next one we go.

Your final comedian of the night.

You got to ask yourself, a show that starts with William Montgomery, well, how can you possibly end it?

Well, there's only one way to end a show that starts with William Montgomery, and that is with the future American citizen.

Yes, indeed, it is the Estonian assassin.

Ari Matty!

I love America.

Life is so good in America that you guys create your own problems.

That's how cancel culture started.

Bitches with blue hair with nothing to do.

Can you believe what Tony Hinchcliffe said?

Kill yourself, you miserable miserable bitch.

Life is good.

Even me, a couple of nights ago, I'm at home.

It's 3 a.m.

I'm fucking.

By the way, this is how men look like when we jack off.

It's fucking...

It's fucking dark, dude.

Don't ever walk in on your man masturbating.

It's fucking...

Like, I don't know how women do it, but I imagine it's a bit you know like

it's a bit more funkue you know

maybe there's a candle or something

atmosphere

dudes are just fucking on the shitter pants by our ankles fucking

must get the poison out

I have to make rational decisions.

Holy fuck, I almost bought a BMW.

And there I was.

3 a.m.

I was doing my thing.

And only in America can you do this.

All of a sudden, I feel my tummy.

Want a little bit of yummy.

You get that Uber Eats?

what

3 a.m.

There could be a hurricane outside Pablo is coming

On a bicycle with my burger

I pay five extra bucks Pablo will parachute in fucking

325 I had a belly full of burger belly button full of cum

What a country!

Absolutely, ridiculously amazing.

Two minutes and 30 seconds

with

five times as many punch lines as anyone else.

The whole show combined with

that shot and said is incredible.

Thank you.

Absolutely amazing.

My big fat ticket to America.

I love him.

Double Ari's happening at this moment.

Double R's, yeah.

It's gonna change.

That was fantastic, Ari.

Thank you.

You've done it again.

Absolutely incredible.

How's life been going for you?

Life's been so good.

The titties.

There they are.

There they are.

Boobies.

Might be time to get it.

Get up, boobies.

Someone's

hell yeah, those things just make you want to get on the shitter and pull your pants down to your ankles.

Yes, you can't even look back at it.

I love it.

Look at that.

Them fucking corn fat titties, you know what I'm saying?

They really are.

In Estonia, we have them all malnourished.

When we just have the nipple, we're like, oh my god.

I found one with a bump.

calling your friends over

amazing

we had a little christmas party here last night christmas party was great every chick here was in a relationship amazing yeah

that's always a fun party

it was everyone had a plus one with them it was a real fucking look the don't touch type of party i have been actually speaking of masturbating

I'm actually like incredible

like I'm see I got too deep into the pornography for a while.

I was down bad.

Oh also in Texas you know they're like no porn hub hqporner.com not sponsored it's recommended

high definition curated curated by a pervert Wow.

High definition.

High definition.

8K.

You see the bad childhood.

And it was going so for a while.

I went off the rails, you know, like just like my tab started getting fucking shorter and shorter.

You know, when you go so deep that there's no more words, it's just fucking scribbles.

So what I did now is like I cut porn out of my life no more no more

And now I just do it dude Sam

today in the shower from memory bro thought of me like fuck not not

He was trying to not come fast

Sam Sam Sam.

No, I like did it in the, literally, in the shower, eyes closed, dude, like fucking, like I'm Neo, dude.

I'm so fucking powerful, dude.

Congratulations.

It's crazy, no porn needed, just fucking instinct.

I know hard work, that's what I'm saying.

Well, you're listening to Big Mike over there.

Big Mike knows all about that.

I don't think you have a lot of cum inside of you.

It is.

It's a tiny, tiny amount.

Michael comes like this.

Old Big Mike McLittle loads over there.

This is how you get mics coming.

You're like like a...

Meanie Gonzales.

Woo!

Oh, my goodness.

Ari, you're so fucking funny, bro.

Yeah, you're the man.

Thank you, Ari.

Thank you.

You're sharing all the time, too.

This fucking guy.

On airplanes, on restaurants, backstage, at the bar, all the time.

Always.

It's fun.

Believe it.

I've never done this before, but in the show, I've been on at least a dozen times, probably more.

But how would would you like to open for me in San Antonio in February?

Let's do it.

Yes!

Boom.

Look at that!

Somebody hook me up!

There you go.

That's off-the-book money, so don't worry.

Oh, I love off-the-book money.

Fuck Palestine.

We're just out of the show.

The good news is he's going to pay you what he paid in all of taxes last year.

Imagine.

Ari, you are the absolute fucking man.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Tom.

You're watching

a shooting star in real time with the stylings of the future American Ari Matthi.

And we did it.

How about a hand for our fucking amazing guests, Ari Shafir and Sam Talent?

They're on tour.

Buy their tickets.

You know where to find them.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-belt is in.

Ari Shafir has a brand new special on Netflix January 14th everybody do you believe in miracles

pretty much did it yeah Tony just yelled the Netflix guys what the fuck's wrong with you yeah all right yeah me and Joe did we had dinner with the Netflix executives and we said

don't be gay

It's all you have to tell them.

Sometimes you got to tell these fuckers what's up.

Hell yeah.

Lady made $100 bucks tonight in the audience.

Wow.

How about one more time for the great Sam Talent with two L's, huh?

Thank you.

Two of the best guests to ever do it.

The drawing from Ryan J.

Ebel is in.

It's incredible.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight.

Is that baby red man?

Oh my god.

Baby Redman with a tony haircut.

Look at that.

Oh my god.

He already had fat tits all the way back then, folks.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Red band.

Check out the sunsetstripatx.com.

Love you guys.

There you go.

We love you guys.

Thank you, everybody.

Did you guys have a good time tonight?

God bless you all.

And God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.