#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

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All right, you guys ready to start the damn show, huh?

Two of the funniest comedians of the world tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

The fun never ends here.

It is the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest.

These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode.

We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduce to you two of the best.

It's Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher.

I need a

chair.

Fuck yeah.

We got another chair.

We got a second chair.

Wave to the people.

You threw your shit out already?

It was so fast.

There's a chair.

Fuck yeah.

One more time for Ian Bag and Tyler Fisher.

They're on tour.

Ianbag.com, TylerFisher.com.

We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Welcome, welcome.

I apologize.

I didn't bring merch.

Tyler, what the fuck did you just throw out to the crowd there?

All small.

Some hats.

I'm shadow banned on the internet.

You're not even shadow banned for your shit.

So you got to spell it out.

You got to write it all out now, or you're not going to find it.

I love it.

You got it.

All socials at TyTheFish, F-I-S-C-H.

I'm still wearing Jordan Peterson's gay shirt from last time, by the way.

I love it.

Well, welcome back.

Tyler, you've been on this show once before.

Ian Bag, this is your first time.

Yes.

Welcome, Ian.

We're going to have so much goddamn fun tonight.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show.

That's real.

Yeah, it's in the bucket here, and they are all at a bar across the street.

If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

which interrupts them, and they have to wrap it up then.

And that's it.

You want to pull the first name tonight, sir?

Look at that.

Yes.

Right off the top there.

Yeah, go ahead.

Take it.

Get him.

And

yeah, that's it.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight.

It's been a while since we saw him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with a brand new 60 seconds, one of the most adorable creatures to ever hit the stage here on Kill Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the top young,

very young, rising.

And by rising, I mean he's not throwing any more comedians in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Heath Cortis, everybody.

A lady broke my heart recently.

She said she'd always be in my corner, but she's not.

She left.

She's not in my corner.

She left.

Stupid fucking bitch.

But

you know what's always been in my corner?

You know what's actually in my corner?

Stiff socks.

Freedom.

I met a nice lady the other night.

She told me that she had a mommy kink, and that's great for me.

That's perfect.

I'm kinky.

I have a fucking thing that moves kink.

She,

you know, I didn't use protection.

I'm not supposed to know what that is.

Just a

just small boy.

She asked me if I had some.

I said, when I'm in danger, I call 911.

I'm a dad now.

Thank you.

Keith Cordis.

Absolutely.

Welcome, welcome.

I don't even know where to begin.

Hi, Tony.

Hello, how are you?

Why'd you point at me when you said stiff socks?

It was a misdirect.

Okay.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

So a woman broke your heart?

Yeah, I'm heartbroken.

Oh my goodness.

I'm heartbroken.

How did that happen?

What happened?

I

play it.

Play the music.

Yeah, if you're gonna hit it, fucking hit it.

Jesus.

She led me on.

She told me that she would take care of me.

She told me that

she had milk.

She said I could grow with her.

Was this your mother?

I wish.

Wow.

She said you could grow with her.

Something that's absolutely physically impossible.

Question.

Yeah.

Yes.

Is that the only thing wrong with your heart?

There's...

There's.

No.

No, it's not.

I had a feeling.

I had a feeling.

Yeah.

Was she a nurse?

No,

that's my kink.

I'm a, you know, I'm a nurse.

Please, that's your kink.

Yeah.

You look like a child.

Everything's your fucking kink.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, just doing it.

That's fucking kinky.

Like, you should be doing homework.

And they're fucking, you're doing it.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to snap.

That guy's a kid.

If Tyson was here, he would hold you fucking and tease you and fucking tickle you.

Hell yeah.

Jump at you.

I'm just like, fucking, I'm just, I'm upset that I don't look like you.

If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now

it's true

it's true

it's not a joke come on those are the longest toes I've ever seen he's got he looks like he has long toes you look like you're born from precom

I can say that because I was we're you know solidarity man look at that

Jeffrey Dahmer when he was six

I love it so Heath you have have your heart broken.

How did she let you know?

Did she tell you face to face that it's over or what?

No, it was through text.

It was through.

Text.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then it's true, you've already moved on to another woman.

Yeah, I did.

And you, uh...

I went to Puerto Rico.

You really?

Hold on a second.

Yeah.

When did you go to Puerto Rico?

Like, literally, like, I just got back from San Juan today.

Today.

Yeah.

When were you in Puerto Rico?

How long were you in Puerto Rico?

This whole weekend.

I was doing like a private gig for like a bunch of millionaires and like I did this house party.

All the venues pulled out.

I don't know why, but

were there any threats?

Were you in danger at all?

Did anybody say anything to you?

Look at them.

Yeah, yeah.

Fucking always in danger.

Yeah.

Every time a van goes by him.

i love it question did you go outside when you were there because you're white as

yeah i i just like i mean i didn't tan much i wore uh spf 100 you know

yeah kids proof you got a chick there though yeah i brought a chick you brought a chick yeah i brought a chick oh yeah whoa you right yeah you took a girl to Puerto Rico with you

oh my god look at the life that you're living heath yeah wow fist bump from Michael Gonzalez hell yeah Did you share a coach seat?

I sat in her lap.

I didn't even have to buy a ticket.

Amazing.

Amazing.

I like that he's bragging about bringing his handler with him.

I love you.

I love you.

I'm not trying to be mean at all.

I'm just like, fuck your child.

Yeah.

No, it is.

He's unbelievably adorable.

So

tell me a little bit more about Puerto Rico.

Was there any other highlights?

Did the gig go good?

What exactly did they pay you to do?

They uh

red bam

for the love of God.

Oh my god.

Jesus Christ, Red Bam.

Just give it a

little bit of time.

Okay.

A couple more weeks.

Nobody heard the joke.

They don't even have electricity there.

Well, now they're going to rewind it.

Okay.

Son of a fucking bitch.

No, don't hide.

Don't hide now.

The electricity did go out like three times.

Okay, fuck this.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

God damn it.

Can you say anything else about fucking all of Puerto Rico?

It didn't smell like garbage.

Okay, all right, that's it.

That's it.

This interview's over.

Ladies, Heath, anything else to say?

Are you done?

I mean, it depends on you.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

It depends on you.

Kill Tari!

There he goes.

Heath Cordis, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's go.

Time for the bucket.

Heath,

put that mic stand back where you got it from, you little misbehavior.

You.

All right, your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, shit.

there's the lovely Heidi

One more time for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

It has begun.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Matt Rivera, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go.

Matt Rivera.

People have been telling me lately that they don't think I'm very nice, so I'm trying to be more supportive.

Like a friend of mine recently came out as bisexual.

That was weird,

but he made an Instagram post about it.

Did you guys know that it's not supportive to comment?

I fucking knew it,

but I'm not perfect either.

Like, I like tomboys, which is a type of girl.

I'm serious, but

it's still a weird thing to come out and say to your guy friends, especially one of them is named Tom.

I think, okay, delivery could be simple.

Like, I like Tom, boys, but no, I'm worried I'm going to fuck up and be like, I like Tom, boys.

It was even worse than I thought.

Because I was drunk.

I was just like, I like boys, Tom.

Thank you.

All right, Matt Rivera.

Welcome to the show, Matt.

Thank you.

Happy to be here.

This is your first time, right?

Yeah, first time.

I'm Kiltoni.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing stand-up for about four years.

Four years.

Where at?

I started in Union City, New Jersey.

Okay.

And where else?

Where have you been since then?

I've done a lot of time in New York.

I just moved out here eight months just to pursue it.

I heard the scene was awesome, and I'm never fucking going back.

This shit's sick.

Yeah, you're having fun here in Austin, Texas.

It is a good old time.

What do you do for a living?

Right now, I do a lot of temp work, but I work for Not a Damn Chance Burger.

Oh, hell yeah.

We love Not a Damn Chance Burger.

Truly one of the most addictive, unbelievable, heroin-like burgers you could find in the city.

Straight burgers.

It's worth the $17.

Yeah, it really, really is.

It's a fucking diabolical burger.

That's incredible.

I love it.

What do you think, Ian?

Where have you been hanging out that you needed to say tomboys are a type of girl?

I just know that I'm in Texas and things get lost in translation out here.

Whoa.

They get lost in translation in New York City as well.

It's been a hell of a week.

So you didn't think they were smart enough?

What's that?

You didn't think they were smart enough to pick up on that with a type of girl.

That's really nice.

I don't know.

That was a fucking good role.

I liked it.

Are you bisexual?

You got the.

Isn't that the left earring?

Are we still doing that?

You do have a lacrosse in your left ear.

Yeah.

Is the one in the right I can't see over there.

Okay, no, just a normal one.

Yep, that's just a normal one.

Yeah.

Okay, so where do you stand sexually?

Are you a tom girl?

He's in a Bon Jovi tribute band.

No, no,

I am straight, but a lot of people say that I look like I could be gay.

I know all about that, too.

We relate on a lot of things.

Yeah.

Okay, Matt.

So here in Austin, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy?

I heard there's a lot of cool nature stuff to do out here.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

I got two gay dads.

I have my gay dars amazing.

I know people are gay before they even know.

This guy?

You'll find out.

It's been eight months.

You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here?

I just got by.

What's that?

Oh, timey voice.

I don't know.

Have you been to an HEB yet?

Yeah, that's the fucking shit, dude.

It is.

Absolutely right.

Shout out to H-E-B,

the greatest grocery store that's ever existed.

How about a Bucky's?

Have you been to Bucky's?

Yeah, I actually went to a Bucky's the first time a couple weeks ago.

What did it make you feel like?

Tell the people watching around the world how it feels for a little boy from Jersey,

a tiny, tiny little boy from Jersey, to walk into a Bucky's for the first time about the wonder that went over your body or however it made you feel.

I've never been to a place that sells like cigarettes and also a brisket.

That was really interesting.

But it was the craziest thing is that it was just like a giant gift shop about this beaver, and I don't really get the lore behind it.

Oh, you will.

Oh, give it some time.

Hold on a second.

He hangs out at grocery stores, in the woods, truck shops, and doesn't know what a beaver is.

This guy's gay as fuck.

What are we doing here?

What are we doing?

Jake is up, dude.

I'll suck you off right now, dude.

I look like the CEO of Buckies, by the way.

Maybe you should sit on the outside.

I love it.

So, Matt,

what else in your life?

What do you, what you have a crazy family?

How do you think you ended up wanting to be a stand-up comedian?

What kind of childhood trauma did you go through?

Is it that obvious?

Yep.

Okay.

Well, I am a child of divorce.

My family's Puerto Rican.

This episode's canceled.

Say no more.

Jesus Christ.

Enjoy your golden buzzer.

That was fucking good timing right there.

My family's Puerto Rican.

Enjoy your money, sir.

Have a good night.

Tell your people, please.

No.

It's the name of a show.

It's not what they want them to do.

You look like a Puerto Rican Rachel Maddow, actually.

Well, no, this guy's voting tomorrow.

Holy shit.

Fantastic.

So, Puerto Rican family, what was that like?

Hey!

Hey, we got Tony killed.

Great.

Fucking awesome.

Remember that show?

Remember when there used to be a show every Monday?

Now that guy's dead.

You fucking traitors all in.

Tell us about your fucking family.

Hurry.

Hurry, motherfucker.

Answer now.

Okay.

So

I was raised very whitewash.

My older sister speaks Spanish, but me and my younger siblings don't speak any Spanish.

And my dad raised us in the Bronx, New York, and we were very sheltered.

Like, he made us walk in a straight line.

He was a military guy.

And, yeah, we didn't absorb any of the hood.

So that's cool, I guess.

Absorb.

You mean bullets.

Yeah, when you say you didn't absorb any of the hood, are you saying that walking in a straight line is the way to avoid being influenced in any way?

Like,

your dad figured it out.

Also, are you, as a Puerto Rican, calling New York City a white trash garbage dump?

What are you saying, man?

I I live there.

Enjoy, Tony.

Fuck.

Fuck.

You're free, my friend.

You're free.

Being whitewashed was the most he was cleaned, though, I'd say.

Okey-doky.

I got nothing to lose.

I just got banned from Delta Airlines, so.

All right.

All right, Matt.

Well,

what scares you, Matt?

What are you afraid of in this world?

I think I'm most afraid of

dying feeling worthless.

Wow.

Fuck, it's a comedy.

We'll be right back.

It's a comedy show, motherfucker.

Jesus Christ, now we all have to leave and cry ourselves to sleep because we all feel that.

Fuck me.

That's what I came here for.

Well, I know.

We fucking felt it.

Yes.

I would say.

A white man and a black man felt that right then.

Black lady, sorry.

Apologize.

You guys are great.

Tomboy.

Oh, it's just getting worse.

I'm not going to say anything.

Matt, fun times.

You're not worthless to us.

You're leaving here with a big joke book.

Congratulations.

There you go.

Oh, God.

Tony assaults Puerto Rican comedian.

We're gonna edit all this out.

We're gonna edit it all out.

Alright, Jesus Christ, Heidi, hurry up for the love of fucking God.

Okay, alright, have Yoni fix it.

Jesus fucking God Almighty.

Alright.

Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh?

All right.

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Here we go.

Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody.

Lorenzo Tyree.

Call me Lemonade because I'm about to be made tonight.

Minute made, minute made.

So growing up, I actually got made fun of.

It was

like, what, six years old?

Yeah, I was like six years old.

And

this kid came up to me at the lunch table.

He's like,

Lorenzo, you got big pointy ears.

Is your dad an elf?

And everyone started howling, just, ah, this guy's dad's an elf.

Dumbo.

And I'm like, in shock, because like, I never met my dad.

I know, I know typical, I know, typical.

But I go home that night to my grandma.

I go to buy my babushka, what they say in Russian.

I go home to her, and I'm like, grandma, grandma, is my dad an elf?

Is that where he's been this whole time up in the North Pole helping kids make, you know, helping Santa make

toys for the kids?

And

she's like, no, Lorenzo, your dad's not an elf.

Your dad's deported.

And that's why I, you know, knew where my dad was and what deported meant.

Lorenzo Tyree, ladies and gentlemen.

Lorenzo, do I even want to ask what ethnicity you are?

I'm a mutt.

I'm a mutt.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

What do you think I am?

Well.

Don't ask him.

He can't do that.

Seriously, fucking, we're all going down if you ask him.

You're the one that made a joke about being deported.

So where would they be deported to if you're such a mutt?

Dominican republic okay all right dominican republic totally different place horrible

horrible roads

i love it okay and what's your mom my mom is italian and scottish and costa rican okay and woody allen apparently

you do have a look to you ian is on to something here you have a little bit of a look what do people say that you look like free college uh have you seen the movie uh

grand turismo yeah i need to drive the cars i need to i need to go fast the guy you know no i look like him okay all right how long you been doing stand-up for lorenzo uh roughly a year just uh i can tell it's going roughly

so about a year where's this year been uh here in austin yeah here in austin is this where you're from no where are you from born and raised alaskan

They got people like you in Alaska?

Very few, very few.

Damn, your people crossed a lot of borders to get up there.

They just kept going until they fucking are stuck in the snow.

We'll stay here.

Ian.

Who gets deported from Alaska?

Like, fuck, there's nothing there.

Yeah.

Well, the garbage is frozen there.

You can't get rid of it.

You can't get rid of it.

You make me laugh, big baby.

What do you do for work, Lorenzo?

We've got a little smoke shop downtown.

Smoke paradise.

Come see me.

Okay.

Come see me.

Smoke paradise.

What makes your smoke shop better than the rest?

Oh, I'm there.

It's like, it's cool.

It's like a little trailer.

So it's like, I'm serving out this little trailer.

People come up.

Homeless and all.

It's fun.

It's really fun.

Okay.

How long have you been working there?

Ooh, February.

So like eight months, eight months.

There are any.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's been a ride.

It's been a ride.

All right.

What's your love life like?

My love life?

Yeah.

I'm young.

I'm just trying to figure out myself.

You got a pink left earring again.

Look at that.

A pink left earring.

I think that's red, man.

Huh?

It's red.

Oh, it's the right one?

Red.

Oh, red.

Oh.

Red, yeah.

Ruby red.

I don't see color.

I like that.

I like that.

I do see Jews, though.

I do see Jews.

Ty, the left one's not gay.

Remember that.

The left one's not gay.

Not gay.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, the right's gay.

Hey, if I got both of these for those.

Well, that means you're gay.

Okay.

All right, guys.

It's a very earring-heavy episode so far.

Let's keep it on the human.

I like to focus on what's in between the ears of the comedians here.

And I don't have much to work with right now.

Lorenzo, tell us a fun fact fact about your life.

What makes you interesting?

Raised by my grandma.

That was cool.

She's an

interesting person.

Why were you raised by your grandma?

Mom on drugs.

Mom on drugs.

Moms on drugs?

What kind of drugs?

Like all of them.

She's getting better, but I think she's probably done everything.

Wow.

How often do you talk to your mom?

Now I talk to her more.

Yeah, like I just called her last week.

So

every other week or so.

Get her on the line.

I found my mom overdosing.

Was that her thing?

Like, was she like a partier?

You could say that.

Yeah.

Alaska is wild.

It's wild.

It is?

Oh, yeah.

That's their saying.

Yeah.

Great north.

The salmon.

Alaska's wild.

The salmon is.

Yeah, absolutely.

And there's mom.

I don't know the people are.

Mom's grabbing fish out of the stream to sell for drugs.

Do you fish a lot in Alaska?

Oh, man.

This doesn't even go back to Alaska.

It's like, I'm Dominican.

I gotta

get those fish.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, fuck.

Yeah, I don't use that rod shit.

I fucking get in there with the...

With a gun?

What is that?

Do you have any clue what you're talking about right now?

I'm Dominican.

Talk about fishing.

I gotta stab people.

Okay, I don't do any of that.

What about dad?

Tell us about your dad.

Well, I never met him, like, until seventh grade.

I went to Dominica, and it was wild.

Yeah, tell us about it.

I was wild.

So,

you know, first two weeks, it was like paradise.

It was just, you know,

everything's good.

We're eating good, going out.

Then my aunts went back home to Alaska, and he switched the flip, like locked the doors up.

kept me inside couldn't play with the dominican kids couldn't learn more spanish and then he broke my phone couldn't couldn't talk to the fam.

What do you mean he broke your phone?

He like smashed it?

Yeah, he smashed it.

So like I was on playing like some Clash Royale.

Uh-huh.

And he was like, What are you doing over there?

You texting your family?

I'm like, no, but I really was, but I was like, no, no, no.

And he's like, he's like, yeah, let me see your phone.

I was like, no, no, no, no.

And he grabs it and he just slams it because he's like, this is my house.

You know, this is me.

You know, it's that bullshit.

That bullshit.

All right, well, we've all been there.

Yeah.

But yeah, it was

wild like

it was wild

I want to hear more about that though as far as our writing goes I would write about that.

That's that's interesting stuff.

So yeah, yeah, like got bare minimum food like we got some like water with some tang and then some bread and butter.

That was breakfast dinner with some water with tang.

Yeah.

I mean tang?

Yeah, exactly.

It's just tang.

Well it's like the powder that you gotta put it in yeah but that's that's actually it's not I mean I mean it's not the worst breakfast beverage in the world.

Tang's not that terrible.

I mean, yeah, the bread like it filled up made me fool.

Was your dad in prison?

Huh?

When you went to visit him.

Was he in prison?

No, he was actually doing really good in Dominica because he knows English, so you get like the English slash Spanish job.

So he's like, I'm pretty good, but like, he was a bad man.

He's actually here tonight.

Why don't you come on out, Carl?

Let's back it up to breakfast again.

So you had Tang, and you said bread with butter.

Was this bread toasted?

No, no, we didn't have a toaster.

No toaster, no toaster.

So it was just raw bread.

Yeah.

Raw bread.

But essentially,

essentially, it's sushi toast.

Depending on how you look at it.

I mean, in a normal household, I know rich kids that are happy with some tang and toast for breakfast.

In fact, you saying raw bread.

Yeah.

Raw bread.

The most bougie thing I've ever heard you say in my life.

No wonder they hated you in New York.

I just walked out

raw bread was my name.

It's only applicable during breakfast conversations.

Raw bread is normal for lunch and dinner.

Especially dinner.

Dough, actually.

Yeah.

It's called bread.

It's raw toast.

Well, I guess.

Raw toast, yeah, that's what it is.

Sorry, we're talking.

You fucking blew our mind.

Now there's dough has entered the conversation.

You're right.

I guess dough would kind of be raw bread.

And bread is raw toast.

I feel like we're doing whatever drugs your mom is on right now.

I feel like we're in a trailer wherever it works and we're buying out.

There's levels to it.

There's levels to it.

There's dough, then there's bread, then there's toast.

Yeah.

Thank you, lady.

Fuck you, bitch.

What an asshole.

That's the yeast of of your worries, Tony.

Wow, look at that red band.

Red band.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Where's your sound effect?

Somebody's father came flying out of nowhere and dropped that.

There it is.

You guys might not have been here last week.

We have a new sound effect for when Red Band is a good one.

We've done.

Okay.

Well, I'll tell you what, Lorenzo.

It was okay.

Here comes a little joke book coming at you.

There he goes.

Lorenzo Tyree with a little joke book.

And on and on it goes.

How about a hand for Yoni, ladies and gentlemen?

He is the muscle.

The muscle.

Not quite as pretty as Heidi, but he can do like mechanical shit.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner.

He is

a legend on this show.

Make some noise for the great and powerful.

Aaron Belial, everybody.

It's the return of Aaron Belial

from America's Got Talent recruited for that show here on Kill Tony.

AGT Kill Tony legend.

One more time for the great Aaron Belial, everybody.

I had a one-night stand, and six weeks later, she texts me saying she's pregnant.

Bullshit, I wore protection.

And no, I didn't put the condom on my hand to protect her from Mr.

Scratchy.

I knew she was lying because we only had sex once, and I checked, and I had a full bag of goop.

I brought my condoms home with me, and inspected them because you can't trust these hoes.

This lady poked holes in my condoms?

I have pictures.

She's a lunatic.

I don't even have money.

I'm just a middle-class retarded guy like you.

Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms and ties them up so this doesn't happen.

But I can't tie a knot, so next time I'm using fucking lighter fluid.

She thought she could outsmart me.

Nah, I knew what to do.

I told her cerebral palsy is hereditary.

You can't fool me, lady.

That little two-handed bastard ain't mine.

Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen.

God damn.

A lot of drama going on with the golden ticket winners lately.

Look at you.

Filling up fucking condoms, taking them home with you.

You really did that?

Well, I sent some coat hangers in the mail, and I'm just hoping for the best.

You are a wild boy, Aaron Belial.

Good Lord Almighty.

Look at that.

Never heard you make so much noise before.

Hey, you guys.

Very interesting.

So it was a one-night stand?

You can barely fucking stand.

One-hand stand.

Calls it a one-hand

That's good for grabbing the clit, that little claw thing.

Yeah.

You kind of get me getting, you know.

Yep.

The old reverse squirter there.

The old no-look squirt, just the fucking.

Clit grabbing claw.

Yep.

I can stand.

We did it doggy style.

Oh.

More like froggy style.

Was it a chihuahua?

I finally realized why they call you the golden pony.

You like to be on all fours getting pissed on in a horse mask.

Okay.

You s- oh.

Fuck all of you.

It is true, though, by the way.

That's hot.

That's hot.

Do you have any special crazy things you're into in the bedroom?

You ever use Mr.

Scratchy for anything?

Yanbag?

Why would you say special?

Sorry.

What are you into, Aaron?

You wouldn't need a ball gag in your mouth.

That wouldn't do anything.

This is a dangerous weapon.

It is.

It is.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, he's cooking up something good here.

For those of you just listening to the podcast, his thumb is absolutely scorching across the board.

Would you want this inside of you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

No, they don't.

No, nobody wants that inside of him.

Mr.

Scratchy.

He's a watch in it for you.

That watch ain't going nowhere.

Look at that thing.

I've never seen a more secure watch in my entire life.

Would you want this insight?

Oh, he's cooking up something, Ian.

Look out.

It's so nice to meet you, Ian.

You're like Matt Reif after six kids, and the worst divorce of all time.

What the fuck?

You guys are fellow Canadians, I do believe, right?

You're a Canadian, right?

Canadian?

Yeah, you didn't tell me that.

I've been talking to him all weekend, kind of.

The real land of garbage?

The real land of garbage.

Okay, all right.

Well, it's a hot subject tonight.

Ha ha ha ha.

Very topical.

All right, you fucking son of a bitch.

Over there typing shit.

Aaron Belial, what else is going on, Judorino?

Halloween was fun.

I like to scare kids.

I didn't dress up or anything.

I just tell them when I was a kid, I didn't eat my vegetables.

I was handing out onions and shit saying, if you don't want to look like me, you better eat that.

That's amazing.

You doing.

Well, yeah.

Huh.

Onions stop that from happening.

Yeah.

Isn't that an interesting vegetable?

Onion.

Of all the vegetables, you went with onions.

You want it inside you?

It's the hardest one to chop, too.

I like to make them cry.

Ah,

fuck yeah, Aaron.

I'm inside them?

I love it.

So, you really took the condom home with you?

Is that a real thing?

No way, right?

I mean, you could yes or no, you could shake your head off.

Just go to the bathroom.

It's called a joke, Tony.

Oh, okay.

Well,

all right, thank you, Aaron.

You fucking piece of shit.

All right.

Okay.

After my last appearance, someone invited me to a ranch that does horseback riding for special needs kids.

And I thought, this is perfect.

I'll help Tony find new regulars.

And I started handing out flyers to the parents.

I love it that one of my special needs comedians is making fun of me for hiring so many special needs comedians.

You have to love it.

I'll give you some time off after this so that that fucking stereotype of my show dies down a little bit.

Then I realized I am just hurting myself, so I put a shot collar on the horses.

Those little bastards have no grip strength at all.

All right.

Aaron, I love you.

You're amazing.

You have some tour dates coming up or something?

You have that already preset in your phone?

I am going to Arkansas, and I have a big run in the Florida area in December.

I'll be in Miami, Naples, Key West, Boca, Melbourne, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, basically everywhere with Gators.

Get tickets at mutecomedian.com.

Wow.

There he goes.

MuteComedian.com.

We know him.

We love him.

Our boy, there he goes, galloping away.

It's amazing when that guy shows up to a horse riding place and he already looks like he fell off a horse.

They're like, oh, he's going for it again.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Angel Maldonado, everybody.

Angel Maldonado.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Angel.

How are we doing tonight, y'all?

Yeah.

All right.

Identify yourself.

Who in this room thinks I'm straight?

You know, show of hands, make a little noise, clap your hands.

All All right.

Some delayed reactions.

That's the usual reaction that I get, actually.

I don't know what it is about Texas.

Ever since I moved here, I think all the steers, everybody just figures that I'm the queer.

I don't know what that's about.

Either that or the long hair combined with I'm so racially ambiguous.

That everybody also assumes that my sexuality is an ambiguous topic.

I don't know what that is.

I don't know.

I think I'm on to something.

The other day, I had a comic tell me that I'd make a good prison wife.

Yeah, it was his actual wording was, you would have the power of the pussy in prison, Angel.

And

I said, wow, thank you.

I appreciate that.

True story.

Anyway, that was my time.

All right, Angel Maldonado.

How are you doing, Angel?

I am loving life.

I am so tired.

I'm so high.

Okay.

There's

excuses.

Why are you so tired?

I'm a door guy next door at Buck Wild.

I've been working all Halloween weekend.

It's so fucked up.

My sleep schedule is nocturnal right now.

It's bad.

Yeah.

Okay.

What else?

I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job.

What is that, like eight to three or something?

No, no.

I work until the bars close, and then I left.

So what time is that?

I left work at like 4 a.m.

last night.

Wait, so 8 to 4?

Yeah.

Nah, 6.

6.

6 to 4.

Yeah, 6 to like 4 a.m.

You check IDs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's easy money.

It's pretty fun.

I'm not complaining.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, you were.

Yeah, you were.

Dante.

We all hurdling this.

I mean,

I'm from New York originally, so I mean, people read my energy as complaining a lot.

I don't know.

You're from New York.

What in this city are you, Angel Maldena?

I don't want to bring this up, Tony.

I don't want to bring this up.

Oh, my God.

Let's

redemption tour.

Just say what subway you live off of.

Let's just say I'm um Poquito Garbage Basura.

The people of Puerto Rico were never called garbage.

The island has a landfill problem.

The landfills are filled.

The joke stems from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

It is a misdirect joke.

You're supposed to think I'm bringing up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

We love the garbage.

We love the garbage.

Get it.

We love the garbage, right?

This guy just crawled out of the garbage can.

He's voting for me so strong if he can wake up if he can wake up tomorrow wake this guy up right

wake this guy up

that's crazy sleepy little angel look at this guy

sleepy little angel

just like joe biden sleepy little angel

Where did that evil left come from?

All these things things he should have led with.

Like, he should have led with the peak.

He should have started with the Paquito Mouse or whatever the fuck he said.

And then you should have laughed.

The rest of the shit you shouldn't have done.

I'm going to be honest with you.

Because you're really funny, but you forgot because you didn't get any sleep.

You thought, I've had a big day coming up tomorrow.

Head up and get high.

I've had a very long weekend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Beautiful son of a bitch.

Can you do a Trump impression?

I think that would kill if you could.

Oh, yeah.

Try it out.

There's a lot going on in this country, folks.

Oh, God.

All right.

I would still vote for you over her, but

he's winning them back.

You look like a hotter version of Kamala, actually.

Ah, thank you.

You're slightly more retarded than her, but

it's in the eyes or something.

Yeah.

Can you do a can you just try, please, without any practice, a Kamala impression?

Yo, I swear I'm black.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

I promise.

You just rewrote your minute.

That's fantastic.

You're fucking hilarious.

Yeah.

I've got to stop with the first part.

I've only lived in Austin for seven months, but I've been, I've wanted to do comedy since I was a little kid.

I did, I was an improv kid.

That's my comedy background.

Yeah, it's part of a shocking record.

You went to school for that?

UCB.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, for many years.

Yeah.

Yes, and.

Yes, and not a lot of pussy.

Really?

You seem like a good-looking guy.

You seem like you have a good sense of humor.

Yeah, I mean, I get flirted with a lot at my new job.

What's your flirt like?

Give us an example.

Pretend like there's a woman.

She hands you her ID.

What do you say?

How are you doing today?

You look nice.

My name's Angel,

like in the sky.

Nope.

Yeah.

Deck with just going, trust me.

I'm an honest guy.

I just stay quiet if I see a pretty girl.

You know what I'm saying?

Send the back to Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico.

When I start doing this, it doesn't work.

Wall of garbage around there.

Can you skateboard?

Oh, yeah.

I'm a longboarder.

I feel more natural.

I've been living in Aspen for the last four years before I moved here.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Oh, you're just frozen still a little bit.

I got an anxiety disorder.

I shiver a lot.

Yeah, but no,

I feel more natural on a snowboard than I do like walking on two feet.

Yeah.

You don't have to talk to anybody.

Just fucking.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Yeah.

I just listen to music real loud, and then I just ignore everybody that tries to yell at me.

You know, it's awesome.

Do you get a big night's sleep before you do that?

Nope.

Never.

Never.

All right, just check it out.

Yeah.

Okay.

Angel.

What are some other, what are some things that you do for fun here in Austin, Texas?

Oh, man.

Snowboard years.

I mean,

there's so much I could say.

Really, you could say any one of the things that are going through your head.

Yeah, let's just say I've been skiing in other ways.

Oh, look at you.

My job provides good opportunities.

Wow, so you're not always so sleepy.

Yeah,

I've been saying I wish that energy drinks actually provided you sleep other than energy.

And I found

the stimulant that actually provides you with something that helps you.

I'm not considering you doing cocaine, Angel.

Let's talk about that.

I'm sorry.

disorder is it's just a cocaine addiction okay

and don't apologize to your mom about this I just saw your minute I take I take Prozac oh dude you take Prozac yeah yeah yeah you take Prozac and cocaine

where does the energy go man

I keep it inside you know

that's why I shake a lot and sweat it's just a lot of energy going on internal combustion Yeah.

You know?

How long have you been on Prozac?

I started smoking and drinking a lot when I first moved here, trying to

fight the anxiety going on stage.

And then I saw a psychiatrist.

I was like,

sobriety helps my stage presence a little more than like drinking and smoking.

And obviously I'm still struggling with that.

Right.

Yeah.

You said you're high.

Yeah.

So how you went to the therapist, what, like five months ago, ballpark?

Yeah, just about.

about, yeah, that's pretty active.

Seven months you said you went to a therapist.

I'm just guessing, yeah.

No, you got the train.

I'm shocked like I'm a psychic or something like that.

No, I'm not.

I know how

you've been on Prozac for about probably maybe four months.

And how long have you been doing cocaine?

Uh, about like

about the same?

First time is a long time ago.

Sure, but I'm talking about regular consistently like

just the past three, four weeks since okay, so it's a new problem.

I love this.

This is good.

This interview is going well.

It's a new solution.

I don't know if it's a solution exactly.

I'm not on it tonight, so that's all I got to say.

This guy's out of control.

Probably would have been a good night to do it.

Oh, my God.

You tried cleaning your damn room in your fucking life.

Even

though.

How about just being a model?

You know,

I remember people didn't think I was funny when I started doing comedy as a teenager because everybody would tell me, hey, you ever think about modeling?

Like, that's a good career path for you.

They would never be like, hey, that shit was funny.

Like, you know?

And here we are.

Yeah, here we are today.

You know what I'm saying?

So, like, when's the last last time you did cocaine?

Was it last night?

Maybe.

Okay.

Are you looking for cocaine?

Don't you?

No, no, no.

I'm just curious.

I'm curious what it's like for a guy like you.

So you're working last night, right?

Ah, maybe.

Okay, enough with a maybe.

So it's a yes?

Actually, no.

The days turn into nights real quick these days.

Okay, so two.

So

when do you do the cocaine?

Who do you do it with?

Do you do it by yourself?

Do you buy it?

I got buddies.

I'm friends with a lot of comics out here.

Not the question I asked.

When you do cocaine, do you do it by yourself sometimes?

Tony, sometimes, yes.

Okay.

So, like the last time you did it.

The last time I did it, I did a bump by myself in the bathroom at Shakespeare.

Okay.

So,

all right.

And that helps you get through the night.

But then you drink.

Yeah.

And you wake up and you're depressed.

Yeah.

And you take Prozac.

Yeah.

And then wherever the day takes you from there, maybe you do more blow, have some more drinks, and then you take Prozac again.

Riding the wave, baby.

Have you talked about riding the wave, baby?

Austin Power.

Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit?

A little bit.

What do they say?

They say, as long as you're not.

My opinion is that I'm not abusing any drugs.

Ever since I started taking Prozac, I've been using drugs for fun and not to cope.

And so,

yeah, new excuses, Tony.

I know.

Are you sure you took the improv class?

They taught me to be honest.

That was one of the early rules.

Angel, here's a little joke coming at you.

There you go.

Absolutely.

There he goes.

Angel Maldonado.

Appreciate it.

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Before we do that, I'm going to say that that set was so,

so,

so low energy, such a little amount of laughter, that I think I'm going to bring in a special utility player that we bring in only when somebody does really, really, really poorly and gets almost zero laughter.

Energy drinks were brought up during that set with Angel Maldonado.

This guy is what I think of.

When I think of somebody failing, when I think of somebody doing energy drinks, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you a golden ticket winner with a brand new 60 seconds.

This is True Nickens, everybody.

Tony's not racist.

Look what he did for me, and I'm a black comedian

when he told that black joke, all I could think of was,

I placed last in that watermelon carve competition.

I lost to D Madness.

Cam got disqualified

because he spelled Halloween wrong, got mad, and shaked the watermelon 50 times.

We all know Tony won the whole competition.

Because you can't beat the gays at Arts and Crafts, am I right?

But it was rigged.

I only got safety scissors to carve my watermelon with.

I didn't even get a real knife because it's dangerous.

But the positive thing is, David Lucas had fruit for the first time

and he loved it.

He got all the watermelon it hurts.

He looked like a diabetic Kool-Aid man.

All right, thank y'all that's my time.

You know, I forgot all about that fucking joke.

I'm black, I didn't forget.

All right, well, it's a cute little Halloween joke.

Barack Obama didn't think it was cute, but

that fucking guy.

Yeah,

it's a weird week when you could say Barack Obama criticized my

joke.

He said I made a joke about black people eating watermelons.

That's not true.

It was a joke about carving watermelons at an all-black Halloween party.

The joke being, of course,

the brothers, we didn't.

I'm not going to do it, Obama.

What am I?

Can you do it, Obama?

I can't really, but

you kind of, you're like doing a Kramer impression if you said the N-word more.

I'm not allowed to say the N-word and I'm black.

His dad is black.

Hell yeah, brother.

It is absolutely

black Hulk Hogan.

I'm confused.

So the other guy was on cocaine and you're not.

No, I do energy drinks.

He really does.

How many energy drinks have you had today?

Three.

Wow.

Which ones?

Was it just Red Bulls?

No, I did a rise, Rainbow Sherbert, slept on flavor.

Can't find it anywhere.

And then I shot another Red Bull in the bathroom because people judge me now and say, Drew, you're gonna kill yourself.

I'm like,

but then I had one down there.

You sipped a Red Bull down there.

Yeah, with the water.

I love it.

I love it.

You mix some water.

You cut it with some water.

Yeah.

Just like Tang.

Cut it with some water, baby.

Hey, hey, Tang is slept on, dog.

You ever put Tang in a Red Bull?

Fucking fantastic.

It's a kick in a glass.

And your ass.

Have you ever had raw bread?

Tell them, Tony.

When you think of the raw bread, what do you picture?

Dominoes.

Pizza.

I love their crazy bread.

And so, like, I can only imagine if you don't cook it, it's still fucking delicious.

Am I right, Tyler?

Yeah, dude.

Oh, my God.

True, what else is going on with you?

So the last couple weeks, I've won two out of three poker tournaments that I played in.

Pretty cool, right?

Pretty good for a dumb guy.

What's some of your tricks?

Do you like pretend like you're dumber at the table and like fuck people up?

You like play stupid?

Like, oh, this is a good hand when you're bluffing.

So what I do is I just be my natural self and they're like, God, he has special needs.

We can't really take his money.

Right.

It works like a fucking charm.

And then I get them all like bamboozled and they're like, wow, great story.

Oh, and then I'm like, oh, bluff.

Oh, I got the nuts.

I get them.

It's, it's, and I can do it for like five to six hours.

Comedies really help because I can have constant conversation, but still concentrate on what's my hand and I can distract them.

I love that.

They call him big blind.

He doesn't see social cues.

I'm not autistic.

I'm just dumb, dog.

I love it.

Okay.

You got autism, Chisholm, son.

Love it.

I got a brain injury, sir.

Same thing.

Okay.

Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a full house up here.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, poker joke.

Hell yeah.

Drew, I absolutely love you.

Thanks for popping in.

You are the man.

There goes Drew Nickens.

On to the next one.

Now we got a bucket pull, and then we'll do that.

Your fourth bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Taylor Neely.

Here we go.

Taylor Neely with with a new minute.

Ladies, let me hear you say, Hey,

fellas, let me hear you say, Oh,

yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

I can't hear hear you!

Oh, yeah.

Oh my god, dude, I don't know if you know this, but you're sitting in the kissing section.

Yeah, I got to come down there and give you a kiss.

No, you're not into it.

No one's ever happy to be in the kissing section.

Well, how do you think I feel?

Now I got to go back there and tell them they're in the anal section.

So pucker up, anal section.

You can have that.

Who do you guys think would win in a fight?

New York City rat?

Swallow that hole.

Chew that entire glass hole right now.

Who do you think?

That's my time.

Thank you so much.

I'm Taylor Neely.

Taylor Neely, ladies and gentlemen.

Okay.

Did you do some of Angel Maldonado's cocaine back there?

You seem like a wild boy.

Me?

No.

You're like, okay.

Tyler Fisher, what do you think about your Adderall-infested younger brother here?

I think I'm the only guy in town that looks like Jeff Foxworthy.

Fuck McCully Culkin.

All right, you better watch out.

What?

Pair, put this on.

You'll look just like me.

Here, check that out.

Just tell people you're me.

You'll make a ton of money.

There he is.

Yeah, you got a big head.

A very tiny head.

I have a huge ass head.

My mom had to have a C-section, and my head was so big.

Holy shit.

Wow.

I know.

Okay, Taylor, this is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Three and a half years.

Where at?

Atlanta.

Atlanta, Georgia.

You still live in Atlanta?

No, I moved here in August.

Okay.

Well, welcome, welcome.

Thank you.

What do you love about Austin, Texas?

I like the comedy scene a fuck ton.

It's great.

It's awesome.

I like the you know, it's more, it's just more free.

Yeah, it's awesome.

It really is.

What do you do for work here?

Handyman.

You're a handyman?

Yes.

What, dollhouses?

Hey, you shut the fuck up, dude.

dude.

Whoa.

Uh-oh.

We're about to have a flyweight fight of the century over here.

I'll put you in the kissing section, bro.

Wow.

Taylor and Tyler, Tyler and Taylor.

We'd be waiting in ounces, man, I think.

Wow, this is crazy to see.

That is what I look like, though.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Looks very interesting.

Do you like what you see?

I kind of do, actually.

I'm in hard, man.

This is incredible.

Wow.

Do you also put your height on Tinder as millimeters?

No, it does say 5'8 on my driver's license, but it's secretly, not so secretly, as 5'7 and 3-4, but...

Legally, 5'8.

There you go.

Yeah, bomb, that sucks.

Shit.

Fuck.

The fuck is D Madness going right now?

Is somebody going to help this fucking guy?

There's nothing but stairways on the other end of that curtain, by the way.

I've never seen D walk off on his own before.

You just walked a blind guy.

Holy shit.

Jesus Christ.

So, what did you say your height was?

5'8.

Get the fuck out of here.

No way.

Does anyone believe in you?

5'4 ⁇ .

Tyler, why don't you, Tyler, take this, Tyler?

Ass to ass.

That looks about right.

Wow.

Hey, hey, hey.

I don't think we need the tape measure.

I kind of believe you at 5'8.

I'll believe 5'8.

Yeah, he's 5'8.

Fuck.

So small.

God damn it.

Ian, what do you think about this young buck?

I think he's fantastic.

Great energy.

He's growing a mustache.

He's 12.

He's got a giant head.

Looks like this fella over here.

Everybody's all excited.

He's got tattoos.

He will fix things in your house.

Yeah.

What do you specialize in as a handyman?

Oh, I'm transitioning to mounting just TVs.

Hey, hey, what the fuck?

Hey, you also shut the fuck up.

I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean that.

Transitioning to just mounting TVs.

Just mounting TVs.

And high heels.

It's better money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What from?

What were you doing before?

I finished a big painting job today, and I mow lawns and put furniture.

Task Rabbit.

A lot of Mexican.

Okay.

So you're a Mexican.

Yeah.

And you just started transitioning today?

No,

when I moved here, I just found the job on ZipRecruiter.

Shout out.

Absolutely.

We absolutely love ZipRecruiter.

No doubt about it.

Oh, the smartest way to hire.

All right.

What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor?

What's your nightlife?

Well, I'm sober because I used to smoke a lot of crack cocaine and I don't do that anymore.

There it is.

Wow.

Yeah, that last guy doesn't have fucking shit on me.

Yeah.

Grow up and smoke crack like an adult.

Yeah.

How did you end up smoking crack?

Well, oh,

you see Wolf of Wall Street?

What?

Wolf of Wall Street.

I really loved cocaine in college.

And then when I was drunk, I saw Wolf of Wall Street.

And when they smoked crack and Wolf of Wall Street drunk me was like, that looks like a fuckload of fun.

And then I went home from college.

I'm from Columbus, Ohio.

And I went to Ohio State.

Go Buckeyes.

And I went to,

I came out of a blackout, and I asked this guy if he knew where to get crack.

And then the.

You tried crack for the first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio?

Yes, a homeless guy.

So you smoked it, a homeless guy.

You smoke crack.

What happens?

Take us through the process, please.

The first time I smoked crack, so it's like a young homeless black man.

He seemed like my age.

And I'm like, do you know where to get crack?

He takes me to like the bad part of High Street, which is like

yeah.

And then he takes me to a tall, lanky black guy, and I give him money, and he could have walked away with the money, but crackheads are very honorable.

And he comes back

with.

He comes back with the crack, and we smoke it.

And then like somehow I get a gaggle of like homeless guys, and we're walking down the street, and we go into a, I go into a convenience store because I want some water because Coke and crack makes you very thirsty.

And I like, they start asking me for money and shit and I don't want to deal with this.

So I'm walking out of the gas station and there's another guy walk into his car and then like, oh, yo, pretend I'm with you.

And I get in their car and we speed off and then I, these guys are like, yo, what'd you get into tonight?

And I'm like, well, I smoked crack for the first time.

And then they're like, well, you want to smoke some more?

So

we smoke more.

Okay, okay.

So then what happened?

He dropped me back off at my friend's fraternity house at 6 a.m.

5th Street, 6th Street.

Did you love it?

Drunk Me loves it.

Okay.

Sober Me,

it's bad.

It's bad at the end.

It's fun for the first 30 minutes, and then it's...

Let me ask you this.

How soon after that did you want to do it again?

Every time I got drunk until I got it under control this time, yeah.

So you kept like, and you would drink almost every night?

No, it was more like I'm like a binger.

Like I'll relapse and then I'll binge for like a week.

And I went to the psych ward recently and that was bad.

I was being too naughty.

What the fuck?

Yeah, it sounds like it.

What do you guys think?

Are you sending comedians from a homeless shelter across the street?

Shipping them across 6th Street?

Now, do people know you're a handyman when you're working?

Or are you a crackhead that's breaking into the house?

Okay, I am the guy on the corner with the windshield wiper just trying to wash people's windshields.

That's not what I said.

There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy breaking into your house.

Can I mount your TV?

But transitional.

He's an honorable crackhead.

That old saying.

He'll drop you off at 6 a.m.

after he's mounted your TV.

Stole your copper.

Well, Taylor, fun times.

Decent set.

A lot of that was trying to get the crowd to fucking fucking repeat after you shit.

So you're leaving here with a little joke book.

Come back again.

Keep signing up.

Maybe you'll get a big one.

There goes Taylor Neely, everybody.

We've come to that time of the show where it is indeed time for one of your most elite regulars of all time.

This young man is selling out all over the country.

Technically all over the world.

Anytime he announces a date, it sells out.

He's a monster.

You get to see a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson everybody

hey y'all people take politics too serious nigga real shit I know it's been a thing tonight but really people take politics way too serious I don't even know how to spell politics I don't really care about it too much It don't really bother me at all.

It's funny because I believe in like three degrees of separation.

And I talk to Joe Rogan all the the time and that blows my mind dog he just talked to Donald Trump for three hours and I just talked to crackheads on the street you understand what I'm saying

those crackheads have no idea they two phone calls away from Donald Trump

they have no idea

let me get a dollar

I got something better for you nigga just wait on it

I raced one a couple days ago.

That was cool.

That was funny shit.

He was slow as hell.

And I beat him.

After I beat him, he was like, I told him, I said, if you beat me, I'll give you $20 if you beat me, right?

He was like, oh, I got you.

I could beat you.

I promise you I could beat you.

And then we raced.

And then I won.

He was like, hey, we just split the pot.

Fuck it.

Just split it in half.

Give me half the money, please.

That's my time.

Unbelievable.

That's how it's done.

A brand new minute.

From the man himself.

Come on, nigga.

We outside, man.

We are.

We outside.

Come on, bro it's unbelievable this shit crazy man we are in it hell yeah no doubt about lady called me a bigot the other day really yeah and i like i don't know what the fuck that means bitch be smarter dumbass stupid bitch use better words stupid

what did you do to make her call you a bigot what did you do to make her call you a bigot

I've been fighting for you all week.

You have no idea.

Been fighting hard as shit.

Fighting hard as fuck.

Now, that motherfucking brother leave me alone, pussy.

It's been fucking crazy.

Don't fight.

Rope a dope.

Just let them wear themselves out.

The crackheads love me.

They love me.

trump what do you think about cam patterson i love the african americans

hello trump acts like he saved black people before i was president black people they couldn't even walk

they couldn't speak english cam barely can but he's doing great i speak great english my name is phenomenal yeah he's like joe biden bumbling bumbling

so funny bro so it's been a wild week for you huh Cam?

Yeah, it's been up and down.

My brother loved that shit, though.

My brother enjoyed it.

Nice.

Brother enjoyed it.

Hell yeah.

He's a mailman, so that's cool.

I love it.

Hell yeah.

He's a real mailman?

Swear to God.

The funny thing is, I'm doing this.

My life is going great.

And my brother's a real madman, and he's still my dad's favorite.

Wow.

Is he the youngest?

Oldest.

Okay.

No, he's the second oldest.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

How many brothers do you have?

I got one brother.

Well, wait.

I talked about it.

I got one blood, brother.

That's your know-of-yeah.

I got.

That's an astray.

I got one blood.

I got a lot of brothers I follow with, you know what I'm saying?

Like, niggas I know from the streets and shit, but like, I got one blood, brother.

Okay.

Gang shit.

Yeah, yeah, I love him.

Indeed.

He the best, man.

He's just been doing his Kamala impression this whole time, man.

She.

That's good.

It's good.

So, how many brothers do you have?

Got one brother.

Okay,

and then I got a couple homeboys that we did some shit together, so they're my brothers also.

What the fuck, that means

you're confusing me right now.

You confuse me?

We're confusing each other.

I love it.

That great shit.

Yeah, this is good.

Is the mailman places?

Is the mailman your blood brother?

Yes.

But he's not the oldest.

You count the oldest as one of your assistants?

Oh, no,

that's my sister.

The oldest sibling is my sister.

Oh, okay.

I got a sister.

Now I can count.

I got three sisters.

I got three sisters and one brother.

Do you think he's a male man because he has all these packages in his car?

Like,

what the fuck that means?

There you go.

Red Band's back.

He was on fire for two weeks.

Then what the fuck happened?

That was terrible.

Back to normal.

He snapped.

That was over.

All right.

I love it.

Cam, were you on the road this week at all?

Yeah.

Where were you at?

I was in Sacramento.

Okay, Sacramento.

She was cool, bro.

Shoot.

She was in Punchline?

Yeah, yeah.

Great club.

I like that.

It was a guy in the crowd.

I was like a swole dude, a real swole guy.

And I asked him, I said, what do you do?

He's like, I'm an entrepreneur.

I'm like, okay, yeah.

But

what are you entrepreneur in?

And then he was like, I'm a security.

He just made it more vague than anything, right?

And then kind of find out, he like a security guard.

And he came to meet and greet, gave me a Gucci jacket.

That was pretty cool.

It was too big, so I gave it to my sister because she's big as hell, right?

I am your sister.

Yes, she knows she your size, nigga.

She's big as she's beautiful.

I gave it to my

she should be a male man,

so I gave it to her, and then we went.

Then he took it to the Gucci store the next day and bought me like some slides.

He bought Jolly a jacket, it was crazy.

Real Gucci stuff?

Yeah, he closed it down for us.

I don't know what he might be the president.

I don't know what it is.

Damn.

No, he fucking you robbed a Gucci store.

Yeah.

If it was closed.

If it was closed when he went in there, I'm pretty sure.

No, no, no.

Absolutely.

He said he closed down for us.

I was like, that's cool.

We asked that.

No, no.

You've never been in a riot?

No.

That's exactly what you were involved in.

They was giving us champagne and shit.

Yes, you robbed it.

Yeah, we robbed it.

Fuck it.

We robbed it.

We stole that shit.

Amazing.

So you have Gucci slides now.

I've been had Gucci slides.

I've had a bunch of Gucci slides.

Nigga, I got, I mean, you help me get a lot of money.

You know what I'm saying?

Life is all right.

Life ain't bad right now.

You know what I'm saying?

This is awesome.

I got a bracelet and shit.

I have a bracelet.

No way.

Hell yeah.

You got a bracelet?

You're spending your money.

I got a bracelet, nigga.

I'm wearing a woman's watch.

You got a woman's watch.

Look at that.

Look at that cute little tiny watch.

That's a little baby bad watch.

That is the tiniest watch I've ever seen.

My wrist looks bigger.

I got a whole thing to make me look bigger.

Reggie, where did you get?

Is that from where is that?

Stuart Little's

Where did you get watch?

I found it in the garbage, Puerto Rico.

Oh, my, come on.

God damn it.

I make fun of your watch.

You just got to bring that up.

Jesus Christ.

You say words like that.

Nigga, I'm dangerous words right now, brother.

I like it.

I need it.

Oh, my.

Oh, my God.

I'm on the no-fly list.

I'm fucking.

Yeah.

What happened with Delta?

Let's take a moment to talk about this.

We should talk about it.

Yeah, let's talk about it.

I want Cam's input on this.

I'm glad to be here for this.

Yeah.

He has a whole lot of...

He has a lot of brothers and cousins that work at Delta, I'm sure.

You know, security Atlanta-based company.

They were all riding in the overhead luggage, actually.

They came out right up.

Oh, so

I tweeted a photo.

They're not going to let me come back to cookout after this shit, man.

They're going to ban me from this shit.

Prepare to be called a bigot, I guess.

Here we go.

Tyler Fisher's Delta story.

My Delta story.

I took a picture of a pride pin, and I just tweeted out, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy?

Does it help the plane fly?

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

You took a picture of a pride pin connected to what?

A flight attendant.

Right.

That's an important part of the story.

Okay.

You just said you took a picture of a pride pin.

So a flight attendant's wearing a pride pin, and you said, what?

I said, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy?

Does it help the plane fly?

Does it?

I got banned for life for that shit?

For life?

Yeah.

Damn.

For life.

Forever?

Forever?

Damn.

I'm fucked up.

Forever.

Forever.

I got trains now.

I got to take choo-choo trains to my shows.

What about like other, what about like other airplanes?

It's the biggest airline in the world.

I mean, you can get on other airplanes, though.

I will suck a pilot's dick to get back out of line.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you don't have to do that.

There's other airlines.

There's different airlines.

You can just get on other airlines.

Stick with the train.

That's like when Texas banned porn.

They just banned porn hub.

That was it.

All the other ones are still open.

Oh, yeah.

It's true.

But go on a different airline.

You fine.

They're going to sue me, though.

They're suing me.

I'll be thinking this shit.

I'm a fucking G.

They're going to sue me.

Yeah.

For your little watch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Take all I got.

This is it.

So what airline have you been using since?

Oh, I took Frontier.

I flew in this morning.

Oh, look at me.

Oh,

you can look, buddy.

Oh, my God.

You don't have to do that.

Well, I did.

That was all that was available to me.

Oh, yeah.

I came back from, I don't even remember where I was.

It was so early.

Seven connections from Dallas.

Yeah.

It's a bumpy landing on the bottom.

They didn't even go up to a gate.

They parked in the middle of the run

and just threw the fucking ramp down.

We have spirit soon.

Yeah, boycott Delta, by the way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, there you go.

Yeah.

How about you let the gays be gay on the podcast?

I'm raised by gay men.

I love gay men.

It's not about gay.

You were raised by gay men?

Yes.

What's going on here, man?

I didn't know this.

What's going on here?

What's going on here?

What's going on here?

What going on?

Not when I was seven.

He came out as racist, but then four years later, he started fucking dudes.

Damn.

Really?

Yeah.

What?

Look at me, obviously.

Yeah, I had no idea that the Keebler elves were gay.

All right.

Wow.

Delta.

Yeah, Delta.

I mean, isn't that interesting that, like,

like, I mean...

We both had a rough week, huh?

I don't know why you have to keep bringing my shit up here.

I'd rather have yours, because you could still fly Delta, right?

Not to Puerto Rico, but.

I'd much rather have yours, dude.

I will trade.

I'll start smoking.

I'll do whatever I gotta do.

You lost all your airports.

You only lost one.

Oh my God.

Cam,

literally the best minute of the night so far.

You did it again.

He has to do it every week.

Not easy.

Not an easy gig at all.

How loud can this place skip for the great Cam Patterson?

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All right, back to the bucket we go.

Jesus, I just broke a name.

That's a burst.

Look at that.

Brute strength.

Make some noise for Leslie Childs, everybody.

Leslie Childs is next.

How's it going, everybody?

My name is Leslie Chiles.

I'll just tell you a little little bit about myself.

I'm a single father.

Been raising my son by myself now for 11 years.

Now that's a long ass time to be doing something by yourself, right?

So you're probably wondering the same thing everybody keeps asking me, where the mom at?

And that's a fair question.

And I love telling people the honest God truth because there's nothing fucking fun here.

See, when my son was two weeks old, my baby mama, that bitch took off with a midget.

That's not a punchline.

This bitch actually took off with a midget and to this day I don't know what pisses me off more the fact that she took off with a midget or the fact that the midget was wearing cargo shorts you ever seen the emo midget wearing cargo shorts that shit will hurt your pride as a man I didn't know whether to laugh or cry honestly he looked like he was coming down to his shortcomings though for real but look on some serious shit though my son he's 11 years old knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of pie not to pat myself on the shoulder but i don't think i did too bad for a guy who fell the retarded class every year right

And look, this bitch had the nerves to call me back up after about a week talking about the midgets throwing beer cans at her and fucking hitting her with cans and shit.

I was like, bitch, that sounds like a short relationship.

Y'all, that's been my time.

Y'all have a blessed night.

Wow.

Well, jokes on her.

The guy she left with can't fly Delta anymore.

Sarah, fucking her ex-wife.

Welcome to the show, Leslie.

Help me.

Appreciate it.

Everywhere is roomy for you.

You got to stand up on the seat to adjust your air vent.

I hide in the bathroom.

I just sleep under the sink.

So, Leslie, how long you been doing stand-up?

I have been trying to get on this show for almost four and a half years.

You've been trying to get on this show for almost four years.

Almost four years, yeah.

When you say that, you mean you've been signing up off and on?

Dude, the shit I've been through just to try and get on this show will blow your mind, dude.

Name some of the things that you've been through.

All right, so I've drove from South Carolina, where I'm from, to here multiple times.

My first time was for the HEB Arena show.

All this is on YouTube.

I took and traveled from there with no gas, no food, no money, told jokes the entire time just to get by at gas stations and shit.

My car broke down five times in every fucking state.

There was a person coming here to see the show on HEB with a ticket helping me to get my car fixed.

And again, it's all on YouTube.

Shit that comes out of my mouth will blow your mind, but just take in mind, everything I'm telling you, including my joke, is 100% true.

I believe you.

A mentor was an upgrade.

I'm going to just.

Dude, my life is wild, dude.

You have no idea.

So you're in South Carolina.

That's where you live.

Yeah.

Your car broke five times on the way to the HEV Center.

Have you tried to sign up for here multiple times?

Yeah, dude.

You know, everybody's seen that red car sitting underneath the bridge, dude.

That's my car.

It's been here since the car.

Well, not everybody has seen a red car underneath the bridge.

Let's just take it one step at a time here, Leslie.

So, how many times do you think you've driven from South Carolina to Austin, Texas, to sign up for this show?

Just give me a ball.

Probably about five times.

I also drove from South Carolina to the LA one.

Again, no gas, no food, no money.

Oh my God, are you also on a no-fly list?

I'm on a lot of different lists, but not that one.

A lot of different lists.

And no touch list.

Wow.

Okay, Leslie.

Well, congratulations.

You're here.

You finally did it.

All the hours on the road.

That's amazing.

You wouldn't believe all the people that told me I wouldn't get here, dude.

That was a waste of time.

That you're retarded.

You're never going to make it.

Like, I did fail the retarded class, but I made it.

Fuck fuck them i love it i love it leslie you didn't give up yes here you are

here you are what do you do for work leslie uh i'm fully disabled see i'm legally classified as this is usually where i lose people so sorry but uh

it's okay you're like the fourth retarded guy on the show tonight i'm legally classified as suicidal homicidal bipolar choha motor depressed slight schizophrenia ocd odd adhd and slot night terrorists i got more issues and more coverage than at t

And by how fast you said that, you're also autistic.

Yeah.

Incredible.

Tony, I've been telling everybody for a long time, I'm your wet dream, dude.

Like, the story.

I see how surprised and amazed this man gets when he hears a true story.

But the problem has been that every single time you hear these crazy true stories, they only got like one or two of them, dude.

I got a fucking list of them.

Oh, and I ain't got fucking true.

Every single one of them.

Thank God that was a list.

He pulled that out.

I was like, oh, fuck, he's Puerto Rican as well.

The security guard back there, he had to pat me down.

He's like,

the security guard had to pat me down.

He's like, you got any knives?

I was like, dude, I ain't even allowed sharp objects.

So let's cover some of this scroll.

Let's fucking do it.

How many of you want to hear this scroll?

Hi, Eve.

Thank you.

Mike, your fifth Bob.

All right, now bear with me.

Hear me.

Yeah, fuck.

Hear me.

Harry Todd speaks.

Everyone, quiet down.

Now, y'all, seriously, bear with me, dude.

It's literally my handwriting.

I did fail the fucking ref.

You know how you failed the retarded class?

Okay, yeah.

What?

Go ahead.

Are you fucking, you're there until you're 21 and they kick you the fuck out?

Okay.

All right.

All right, so number one, my baby mama took off with a midget.

Again, all this shit is true.

Number two, I ran away with a girl from the nuthouse.

Number three, I married a girl out of spite to piss off my father.

Now, funny thing about this, somebody told me I spelled spite wrong and spelled spit.

S-P-I-T.

So.

Oh, well.

Number three, I married.

Oh, no, I already did that one.

Fuck.

All right, number four, I was kicked out of a woman's house for beating my meat for four days straight.

Hold on a second.

Let's back it up a second.

When you say that you married a girl out of spite in order to piss your dad off, you ready for this?

Yeah.

All right, so

I hate my father, dude.

I like me and him always go at it.

He fell out of a tree last year, and I was like, fuck it.

But

make this your set.

This is hilarious, man.

Dude, I got to say, all these are true.

All right, so I was writing, I was, you know, how a steam mirror, and when you steam in the bathroom and you can write shit on the mirror and shit?

I was drawing pentagrams and shit, you know, just so they would pop out and go, I don't know the devil.

And I, and so I was like, I want to, I love seeing people's reaction and mainly fucking with people.

And so he did what I like to call church hopping.

He went and found this Christian girl to come talk to me to me about our Lord Jesus Savior.

And so that night I took her to the park and I fucked her.

And like literally everything was going good for about three months.

And then one night she looks at me and goes, I'm going to go to the store and get some milk.

And I was like, cool.

Well, two weeks later, we found her in a psychiatric work the next day over, sweating up and down.

This is a lot right here.

I had to Google most of this.

Apparently, the.

Apparently,

and she was swearing up and down that Hepachi helicopters were landing in my father's backyard talking to her about the Masons, who apparently were after her because she knew that they killed her mother in some organization called the Red Coat was at our wedding.

When we didn't even have a fucking wedding, we eloped.

We didn't didn't even have rings.

Tony, do you know what the fuck they give you when you ain't got rings?

No.

Pipe cleaners.

Mine was blue.

Okay.

All right.

What's next on your list?

All right, what was we?

That was only number four, dude.

Damn, you didn't make it far.

We got 50 on here.

All right.

I fell asleep in one school and woke up at another school.

I walked over a hundred miles just to get away from my family.

The best way I can describe myself, dude, is like the actual forest gum, like for real.

That's funny.

I stole, I stole my mom's car when I was 12.

I actually did that a few times.

You ever been in a situation where you did some shit as a kid and then you grow up wishing that maybe they would have caught you just so you can brag about it?

And then you have to tell them

I do all the time.

Let's go to number six.

Glad you had a normal fucking life.

I was running a pedo ring.

I just felt like running.

Jenny was six at the time.

All right.

She liked crack cocaine too.

Crack cocaine, regular cocaine.

That exact line.

I told somebody that exact line in DJJ, her father didn't think it was very funny, though.

Keep going.

What's next?

Like the old Letterman top 10.

This one just...

Number eight, this one just happened last year.

I was shot several times with a pepperball gun infused with tear gas.

That was by my aunt.

Fuck you, Tina.

Anyway.

Keep going.

Number nine.

All right, no.

All right.

Fuck you, Tina.

Ooh, last year my father stole $30,000 from me.

Fuck you again for that.

How did you have $30,000?

How did you make $30,000?

All right, so again, all right, so I've been intuitionalized since I was five years old.

All right.

In and out for a long time, for six plus years until I was 18 and could say I'm no longer going back.

Literally, just so these motherfuckers can go, okay, he's not in the picture.

We got a family perfect thing.

And when he gets out, we get paid.

So that's been pretty much my entire life what was the question

you tina yeah

how did you get thirty thousand dollars you salute so all right no so um i took and i i decided that i was going to try and uh pursue comedy through uh welding right and of course it took a lot

as you do right a lot of people go to la a lot of people new york a lot of people just start welding well i'm a single father so i had to figure out how to do this and do that at the same time and so i was going to do travel welding and get paid for it.

Travel welding welding.

Yeah.

Interesting.

And so anyway, for like four or five years, I wasn't accepting my disability because I thought that if you made too much money, then you're off disability.

Apparently, that's not the case.

And they owed me money.

And me and my father, we got the same first, middle, and last name.

And so he was like, ooh, I'll take advantage of this situation.

And so I ended up in a car.

How you doing?

You've been staring at me pretty hard.

Oh, nope.

I'm not going to hurt anyone, I swear.

It's a psychotic episode you're having.

Person's just watching you.

You're on stage right now.

Everyone's watching you.

Yeah.

What's next on the list?

All right, but

I've been a single father for 11 years.

I've been on more medication than any child should ever have to take.

Let me stop you for a second.

Let's talk about this 11-year-old.

Where are they right now?

Right now, he's in a car with a

red car under the bridge.

Don't worry.

The windows are up.

He's not going to drown.

Hold on.

It's raining right now.

Hold on.

Hold on.

What?

Yeah.

All right.

So we live in my car.

Me, my camera guy, and my son.

My camera.

Wait, what?

You have a fucking camera guy?

Yeah.

What?

This is fucking awesome.

Wait, what?

Yeah, we're all going to.

What?

You pay a camera guy?

No, he was like getting kicked out of his place.

And I was like, look, dude, I've been coming back and forth here for four years trying to figure out best ways to live out of my car because I lost everything to COVID, dude.

I lost my job, my house, my truck.

And so I said, fuck it.

If I'm going to struggle, then I'm going to choose my struggle.

But I'm damn it, I'm going to do comedy and I'm going to be the best father I can be.

So fuck anybody who says you can't.

So your 11-year-old is with a camera guy right now?

Yeah, dude.

Anybody who meets, anybody who meets this kid loves him.

He's smart.

He's not shy.

He's fucking outgoing.

Literally, he knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of the pie.

I put a lot of time and effort into him.

I've known I wanted to do comedy for a long time because if not for all these these fucking crazy ass stories, why not comedy?

Do you have a squirrel?

Does he go to school, the 11-year-old, or is he home?

He's a whole school right up the road, dude.

Here in Austin?

Yeah.

It's in the back seat.

But I thought you lived in South Carolina.

I did.

How long have you been here?

About three and a half.

Three and a half months.

That long.

No, unless some of this shit's new.

Some of this shit's new.

That's that long right there.

That's how long he's been here.

Read away.

He's like 50.

That looks like a hammock that Tyler sleeps in.

Let's see.

I forgot what number it was on.

Okay.

Give us another one up there.

All right.

The end is just going to be.

Number 14.

You're going to like this.

You know what?

You know what?

Screw the list.

I'm going to go back to some questions that I like.

So

the 11-year-old goes to school.

You, him, and your camera guy all sleep in your car every night.

Which it takes, if you actually think about it, it takes a lot of effort if you do it the right way.

Like if you're seriously, if you're seriously trying to make sure that DSS, which I've already been tested four times, comes up to your car, you got to have the receipts.

You got to make sure your car is clean.

You got to make sure he's clean.

Dude, I only dress like this on the city.

Where do you guys shower at?

All right, so I got a membership with a Y.

We also, there's organizations that help you out with showers and stuff.

Like I said, for three years, I came out here scoping out everything to make sure it was possible.

I wasn't nominated 2017 Father of the Year Award through South Carolina for nothing.

Is that true?

Yes.

You were almost the father of the year in South Carolina.

Yes, sir.

Through man-to-man and

won.

I don't know.

I didn't show up.

Fuck me.

Tim Wolse.

I was nominated.

I was in Austin checking things out, so I couldn't pick up my award.

Otherwise, I would have been down there.

I've done it.

Really, my fucking gun.

Chow and weld like a motherfucker.

I don't give a shit what they said.

Do you perform other places sometimes to like practice for this or are you just focused on getting on Kill Tony?

I've been taking because when I moved here, I didn't know nothing about comedy.

I didn't know anything at all whatsoever.

I didn't know a set from a bit, dude.

Sure.

Yeah, and so I basically told everybody, look, I'm going to use this as a platform, trying to figure out things I know and things I don't know to even try to ask about.

And so that's all I've been doing is watching your show, taking notes and figuring out, okay, how to make a joke, where should I go and learn shit, and shit like that that's that's how i've been starting well i mean what can i say uh leslie you are something else um

here's a book what i'm gonna do for you is i'm going to give you a big joke book yeah and

for the

11 year old I'm gonna give him a big joke book too.

And

I'm gonna give you some Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

I need those.

And for for your camera guy, a small joke buff.

But that's for the camera guy.

Yeah.

But we got to keep it moving along.

But

that's for the whole fucking

household.

The whole

car hold.

Can I ask one favor?

Scroll.

What?

Can I ask one favor?

Can you ask me for one favor?

Hold on, band.

Hold on.

He's going to ask me for a favor.

And here we go.

Can I please find and show me where a camera is?

And I just, y'all don't don't understand how much I hate this bitch, Tina.

You're about to talk shit to your aunt right now?

Yeah, dude.

You see that guy with his hand up over there?

Look right at him.

All right, Tina, fuck you.

Fuck you, son.

I told you I'd get here.

I told you I could do this.

I told you I was fucking funny.

Fuck you.

Wow.

Welcome to the first ever episode of Kill Tina.

Wow.

Oh, did I also mention I made

Dean Madness a sweater?

I hope he got it.

Did you get a sweater?

Did someone give you a sweater lately, David?

D-Madness, I'm not gay on the back of it.

Well, he wouldn't know

what it says.

But I'm sure he did, and if not, he will.

Ladies and gentlemen, make noise one more time for Leslie Childs, everybody.

Wow.

Wow.

Proof that anybody can sign up for this show

Proof that anything can happen

That is a very interesting case

All right, thank you.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?

All right, let's get another bucket pull up make some noise for Matt Goletta everybody Matt Goleta

Interviews have been running long tonight.

Here's Matt Goletta everybody

Yeah, it's nice to be in Texas where both abortion and jerking off's illegal.

Yeah, man.

Damn, it's crazy to be here

in Austin, Texas, man.

Hey, you know what's really crazy is that when you go to Austin, Texas, porn is banned, right?

Pornhub is illegal in Austin, Texas.

I don't know if you guys know this.

So I have to go ID and have my dick in my hand just to see pornography.

I'm like Edward Snowden when I jerk off.

I delete most of my internet history.

All right?

It's like Texas, porn hub.

I have my dick in my hand and my ID.

What was this?

Like fucking on Epstein's Island?

I got a show ID.

I got my dick in my hand.

What am I in?

A fucking

children's play pen?

I got my dick in my hand.

I got a show ID.

What is this?

P.

Diddy's mansion before the cop trade?

God, Texas.

I'm not a criminal for jerking off.

God damn.

What the fuck?

Matt Goletta.

Whoa, our first boo of the night, Matt.

What's going on, Matt?

How are you, buddy?

It's okay.

Over here, Matt.

Focus on me, Matt.

You're being mean to me.

Oh, my God.

Fucking assholes.

Matt,

over here, Matt.

Don't rile them up, Matt.

I'm trying to help you.

Focus on me.

What's up, buddy?

How you doing?

I'm doing great.

Okay.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for?

How long have you been a full-grown sea monkey?

I have been a sea monkey for a while.

And I haven't grown any taller.

I've been doing comedy on and off for about five years.

Really?

Where have you been doing it on and where have you been doing it off?

There was a guy before you that has every mental illness in the world and a scroll and he buried you with a shovel

He sleeps in a three-bedroom car

You have no excuse right now.

Okay, Jesus.

Wow being almost father of the year

Did he come with the scroll of felonies when he came up here, too?

No, nothing you say is working, Matt.

Theo bombed.

My goodness gracious, look at you.

Well, it's great to be here, guys, bombing in front of you.

Wow, okay.

No, really, I'm happy to be here either way.

Okay, all right.

Matt, where have you been doing this comedy at?

I started doing comedy in New Jersey.

Okay, you were in Jersey.

All right, and then what happened?

I basically been doing comedy since I was about 20 years old, and I was doing it.

I live right near the Jersey Shore so Rutgers has the stress factory, Vinnie Brand.

So I was doing comedy there for a while.

And they like you out there?

I guess, yeah.

They do?

No, they don't like me.

No, they like me fine, man.

I was just doing it.

I always loved comedy.

I wanted to do it.

I actually had a month off of not coming to do comedy to come here.

And so, you know, I'm happy to just do it again for you guys.

And even though I didn't do well, I fucking love it, man.

Right.

You love it.

No matter what.

no matter what okay great what do you do for work Matt I I'm basically unemployed

how do you survive I got hit by a Jewish person and whoa that has nothing to do they're not good at driving they hit me and then I got money what do you mean you got hit They hit me

from the back, yeah, with a car.

You got rear-ended.

I got rear-ended by a Jew.

Is that why you look like a balding Hitler right now?

Yeah.

Sein should

fight.

Wow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Christ.

I was just putting my height.

I'm the same height.

Nine.

Nine, nine.

Okay.

Don't don't feed into it, Tyler.

Jesus.

Don't start speaking German to the Nazi.

Jesus.

Wow.

I'm just going bald.

I was just a comb over.

They didn't know Nazi things.

Okay.

All right.

Blocking a comb over.

Okay.

By the way, Tony, thank you so much for your roast.

That was about about what you did with Trump's rally.

That was awesome.

Okay.

Well, yeah.

Much of that.

You guys don't like what he did?

The Jews hate him.

The Jews hate this guy.

They really do.

Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

What's an interesting thing about your life?

What's a redeeming quality about you?

Everybody hates you right now.

What's going to make everyone like you?

Oh, Jesus.

Am I going to tap dance or sing a song like all these other fucking people?

Jesus Christ.

No, I honestly, one redeeming, I don't know if I have a redeeming quality, but I used to, you know, I used to

be a musician.

I used to play music.

What kind of music did you play?

I played basically metal music.

What did you do in the band?

I played guitar, and then I also do vocals.

I'm a vocalist.

How about we play some metal music and we see our vocal?

I could request a song.

We could do a song.

What?

You want me to do a song?

Is that what we're doing right now, right?

Not all of it.

I mean.

Obviously.

Here's a little joke book.

There he goes.

Macaletta, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes.

Thank you.

Macaletta, everybody.

There he goes.

All right.

You guys still having fun out there?

Let's do one last bucket pull.

I pulled.

We haven't had a female up yet tonight, so I pulled until I got a woman.

Here we go.

Make some noise for a minute from Stacey Ross, everybody.

Stacy Ross.

What's up, Austin?

I love this thick-filled room.

It's awesome.

I love Kill Tony.

But more about me.

It's a little wet out there.

It's a little wet out there.

This is what we do for fucking comedy.

I love it.

Any chuckle fuckers?

I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess.

But all my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny.

So that's why I'm here.

It's worth something, right?

Are you guys really

understand I'm from LA?

I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me.

Right?

I mean, you knew what I was going to look like, right?

But you pretty much knew, like, you heard the voice, you're like, I know what she's going to look like.

Thank you, guys.

Oh, my goodness.

Stacy Ross, can we bring Matt Goletta back up here?

This is crazy.

Stacy, Stacy, Stacey.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm still alive, I know.

Shocking.

Okay.

Stacy, welcome.

Welcome, welcome.

How's your life going?

How you doing?

Talking to the microphone, Stacey.

Yeah, I forgot.

You're living your dream right now.

You're

a requiem for a dream.

I just want to.

this is probably the high life of my life right now.

I'm gonna cry, right?

Definitely.

Ever since you left the band Motley Crew,

this is the new highlight of your life.

They didn't have room for you,

Motley Crew.

What does that mean?

Because I had to leave them.

I had to leave the band.

Never mind.

Okey-dokie.

Didn't you say I left Motley Crew?

Okay.

All right.

Wow,

I'll fuck her.

That's the best offer I've had all day.

Thank you.

I'm a fugitive from Delta Airlines.

Yeah.

Stacey, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Almost five years.

Five years.

Off and on?

Or on?

On.

Okay.

On.

On meth?

Okay.

On meth?

All right.

What's the coolest gig you've ever done in this room right here right now?

Okay, that's cool.

Good answer.

This town is fucking awesome.

You live here?

No, I'm here for a week.

Okay.

So I'm leaving at four in the morning.

You're leaving at four in the morning.

Yeah.

Okay.

I was here doing shit all week.

I'll drive you to the airport, don't worry.

He's going to have to drop you off at the frontier gate, though.

You're going to have to walk a little bit.

Why do you got to do that to me?

Oh, my goodness.

Stacy.

You've missed me.

I know.

Me?

Yeah, you.

You were on this show before in L.A.?

Like six times.

That's right.

I kind of remember that.

You had a different name then, correct?

Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball.

That's right.

I kind of remember that.

It's a story.

It's a good one.

What is the story?

Well, I'm going to find out later.

This is a real story.

This doesn't sound good for me at all.

You have to sharpen your skills.

I was playing a lot of poker, and I wanted to have my game all about poker, so I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game.

And then

I'm going to have you hand her this.

I'm at a little joke book, Stacey, and we're running out of time.

We're going to keep the show moving.

Make some noise for Stacy, everyone.

Good luck.

This thing took.

You're gonna go over there.

You're caught caught up in the microphone.

Take the microphone out.

We don't need you going down even further.

Thank you, yes.

Don't want to be.

It's pleasure.

Pleasure.

There she goes, Stacey, everybody.

Pleasure.

No, Tyler.

No, don't, Tyler.

No, come back.

No.

Everybody's wet.

It is, from what we understand, it is downpouring outside.

Which clearly makes the mentally ill a little more mentally ill.

Hey, we still having fun?

I got good news, ladies and gentlemen.

We are done with the bucket pulls.

There's only one person that can close an episode like this.

And it is indeed the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews.

I mean, what can I say about him?

He is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine.

This is William Montgomery.

That lady literally just touched my dick when she walked past me.

On the way here, my girlfriend and I pulled up to an intersection and there was a homeless guy wearing a Nirvana shirt.

And my girlfriend rolls down the window and says, name four songs dumbass

my agent called me the other day and said he thinks there might be a World War III

and I said great could there be a part in it for me

but then I started thinking about it I think the last thing we need is another Hollywood reboot

What's harder?

Finding where's Waldo or going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper?

It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing on stage, but they're not.

Okay, that's my time.

But yeah, William lights out, Montgomery.

Hell yes.

Welcome, William.

So nice to be here, Tody.

I love it.

God, my throat is really

hurting right now.

I'm a little worried.

I don't know.

Please, somebody needs to, please, maybe one of y'all knows, but I wonder, I've been drinking so much honey recently.

I've been drinking so much throat coat tea with honey.

I literally, I will drink a full bottle in two nights.

I just wonder if you can have too much sugar and honey.

Yes.

Can you?

Yes.

What happens if you have too much honey?

You die.

Why don't you look it up?

Look up a maximum amount of honey.

Diabetes.

This isn't for nice.

The answer.

You've had a sore throat for absolutely months now.

It's horrible, Tony.

I'm not not even kidding.

I think I've done something weird.

And hold on.

Who is that guy?

That is.

On the guitar.

He's been weirding me out.

Red Band, do you know that guy at all?

I actually have no idea.

That is indeed Sean Greenberg joining us tonight.

He absolutely rocked it out earlier during the pre-show.

I was up there watching.

He's a freak of nature.

Cool.

Yeah.

Nice to meet you, Sean.

I mean, I just had never seen him before.

I'd never noticed him before.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you think about him, man?

Hold on.

Can you do something else?

That was cool.

Something else cooler.

Yeah, what else you got, Sean?

Let's fucking flex over here a little bit.

Sean Greenberg.

While he plays guitar.

You know what, Sean?

Hold on a second.

Let's do something fun.

While you wail on the guitar, I'm going to name some of the side effects of having too much honey.

And here we go

wheezing and asthmatic symptoms

dizziness

Nausea

vomiting

weakness

excessive perspiration

fainting

Irregular heart rhythms, aka arrhythmia,

cardiovascular disease,

stinging after topical application.

Keep playing cool things, Sean.

Like change it up a little bit.

There you go.

Stinging after topical application.

It is to be used as a natural sweetener, cough suppressant, and topical product for minor sores and wounds.

Giving honey to a baby under the age of one year can cause a rare but but serious gastrointestinal position called infant botulism

caused by exposure to Clostridum botulism spores.

Bacteria from the spores can grow and multiply in a baby's intestines producing a dangerous toxin.

Killed two birds with one stone there.

You got to hear Sean Greenberg and the side effects of having too much honey

after studying all of this.

Sean, can you play behind your back?

Because that all sounds too hard.

Can you really play behind your back?

Can you play it behind your back?

No, he doesn't do that.

He likes to keep it all in front of him.

So do you heard the side effects of having too much honey?

Does any of that apply to you?

Tony,

you're going to hate me right now.

Oh, boy.

You have to.

Guess what I've been doing?

What have you been doing?

Oh, boy.

You're going to

just do it.

You're going to hate to hear what I'm about to tell you.

I'm not kidding.

There's a new...

Okay, there's a new...

Call of Duty, and it's a video game, and I have almost all of my sub-machine guns gold camouflage right now.

We've had, it was a two

It was a two XP weekend.

I have been playing it so much Tony, so I came up here a little

How does your throat hurt if you spend multiple days a week not working Because you basically I've noticed you've started taking Tuesday Wednesdays and Thursdays off to or I start feeling insane Right.

I start feeling crazy.

I have to have some sort of downtime.

I have to have some sort of downtime.

Okay, cool.

I start feeling nuts.

Okay.

Like really crazy.

I started feeling really crazy recently.

If I start feeling like I'm working a little too hard, I start feeling insane.

You call what you do.

Yeah, getting fucking that six submachine guns.

I got gold camouflage.

Yes, I was working.

That literally was 24 hours.

How long do I play games like that?

How long does it take to beat a game like Call of Duty?

Is there an end?

You don't beat it.

You just keep on playing, yeah.

Wow.

But I've been doing that.

Yeah, I got to relax.

I've been feeling crazy.

I got to take a little break.

I mean, you don't want to hear that.

I got to take some sort of a little break just generally.

I hear you.

Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

And sometimes Friday, Saturday.

Do you think maybe you're doing too many cameos?

Is that what might be driving you crazy?

By the way, it would drive any of us crazy.

What?

If we did as many cameos as you.

Well, I mean, we're getting into the Christmas season.

I mean, things are really ramping up, Tony.

I mean, this is the most hectic time of the year for my ass.

I mean, it's Thanksgiving.

Fucking Thanksgiving.

What else you got?

I mean, it's a lot of

Thanksgiving.

Do you get a lot of Kwanzaa requests?

No.

No.

I've never, no.

How about Hanukkah?

I refuse them every now and again.

No.

There's just seriously, every now and again, I'm like, hold on, this person's trying to trick me right now.

And they've all happened to be for those ones.

Okay.

So other than Call of Duty,

what else have you been doing, William?

That's about it.

We saw each other at the airport.

I know.

We saw each other.

That was the day I got banned.

Really?

Yes, right after that was the flight that I tweeted the pin.

Huh?

I got banned from Delta Airlines.

So you saw him.

Yes.

And then you got on your Delta flight.

We saw each other about 50 times because we had to go through the TSA precheck, so we had to make conversation.

Imagine that.

About 50 times we did it.

We did pretty well.

I know.

And then I got banned from Delta Airlines about 10 minutes later.

So.

So what?

Let me ask you this.

When you got on that Delta flight, you saw the flight attendant walk by you, right?

And did you take the picture of her?

I fingered her first.

Okay.

No, I'm just kidding.

No, no, no, I didn't.

Absolutely insane thing to say.

Yeah, I didn't do that.

So the flight attendant.

This week, it's a woman.

Was it a woman?

Who's to say?

You get in trouble for even...

Really?

Vote.

Make sure you vote.

End the bullshit.

So you took a picture.

Was it like the first time you saw?

Were you like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Like that?

Or would you wait a second?

I'm tired of treating adults like kids with the rainbow bullshit.

It's enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I was doing so good until

now.

No, it's good.

It's great.

I'm just curious.

Yeah, I took a photo and I posted it.

And I actually deleted the photo because somebody's, her face was in it.

And her daughter reached out and said, I agree with you.

I hate the woke shit.

And her friend reached out and goes, I hate the fucking woke shit, but can you take it down?

Because her face is in it.

I took it down.

still got banned wow yeah wow impressive traction on twitter

yeah yeah go ahead and retweet that yeah that's tie the fish it's right gonna be right there f-i-s-c-h

wait so what do you mean you got kicked off of an airplane is that what all he got

banned is about tweet i took a photo and tweeted it later on and uh

banned for life

gotta be careful yeah

i know that happens to people william's always very well-behaved on airplanes.

What's the craziest thing you've ever seen on an airplane, William?

Do you have any?

Honestly, Tony, there was a time we were, it's been so scary recently because, yes, you're technically correct, Tony.

On Sundays, I'm not doing anything, but I generally sleep an hour to three, so I have to nap.

I have to nap, or I'm not doing good.

And it was so scary.

I started on these early flights.

I started having these nightmares that

I find myself in the actual airplane, and the airplane starts crashing.

And Tony, there was one day where it was when I was opening up for your ass, and you were sitting in front of me.

And it's like I wake up and I'm on the plane, and I see you looking out of the window, and like rain starts coming in because there's some issue with the plane.

Sounds like a Delta flight.

But that was a scary one.

So now I can't go to sleep.

Right.

Right.

So all the yelling, it's like over because your throat's always sore.

Have you gone to a doctor for this?

No.

I don't have health insurance.

What do you mean you don't have health insurance?

I don't have health insurance.

William, you're rich.

I'm 37.

Why do you pretend like?

And I'm rich.

I mean, I think that could mean all kinds of things.

Yes.

I mean, I'm currently thank the Lord above.

I don't have any debt or anything, but I don't know.

I mean, I think it's very much so a relative about somebody's spending.

I think there's all kinds of stuff that goes into that.

I don't know.

Yeah, things thank the Lord have been all right.

I mean, again, get a Christmas cameo from me.

I mean, they're wonderful.

Get one of those, but

it's just been a hard, and now it's raining outside, and I got to go play some more Call of Duty.

I don't even want to play it anymore, Tony, but I'm going to be playing it all night long today.

All night long tonight.

And it's going to be raining outside, and I roll up some little joints and sit by the television and start talking shit and start some of the fucking little

people on the fucking load wow

well william uh

what can i say is there anything that you're passionate about this week anything else other than call of duty getting my smg gold camouflage

whoa

Oh my goodness.

Did that hurt when you just did that?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

In that case, we'll put a ribbon on it.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Ian Bagg is on tour.

Go to IanBag.com with two Gs, I-A-N-B-A-G-G.com.

Tyler Fisher is on tour.

Ian, thank you so much.

How about a hand for Ian Bag?

Thanks for having me.

How about a hand for Tyler Fisher?

F-I-S-C-H.com for tour dates.

He's on tour.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E.

Belt is in.

It's amazing.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

What do we got?

Oh, shit.

Trump and Biden.

Look out.

Classic characters from the show.

Thank you to Squarespace, Blue Chew, Prize Picks, Game Time, Talkspace,

Zippix Toothpicks.

And to you guys, the audience.

Thank you guys so much.

Red Band.

Love you guys.

We love you guys.

Thank you so much.

God bless America.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Yo, this is important man.

Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called pacebreakers.

The ones with all the pockets.

I just got back from vacation, and I left them in my hotel room.

And dude, I need to replace these shorts.

I wear them like three times a week.

Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Oh, also, my birthday is coming coming up soon.

So anyways, thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

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Sups!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand bequeath!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.