#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1 If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 1 Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 4 Give it up for a Tony.

Speaker 9 Let's go!

Speaker 10 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 10 Yeah!

Speaker 10 Make some noise for the red band, everybody. Kadoo! God damn!

Speaker 10 Oh, shit!

Speaker 12 Mama, we made it!

Speaker 13 You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Squarespace, Blue Chew, Prize Picks, Game Time, and Talk Space.

Speaker 15 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Speaker 18 God damn, there's something else.

Speaker 22 Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, and Raul Vallejo.

Speaker 4 Michael Gonzalez

Speaker 18 on the drums.

Speaker 12 Sean Greenberg on the guitar tonight.

Speaker 25 John Dees on the keys.

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Speaker 27 Oh my god.

Speaker 29 We have such a fun show lined up.

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Speaker 29 All right, you guys ready to start the damn show, huh?

Speaker 38 Two of the funniest comedians of the world tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 The fun never ends here. It is the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest.
These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode.

Speaker 26 We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduce to you two of the best.

Speaker 10 It's Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher.

Speaker 10 I need a

Speaker 10 chair.

Speaker 43 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 47 We got another chair.

Speaker 20 We got a second chair.

Speaker 43 Wave to the people.

Speaker 48 You threw your shit out already? It was so fast.

Speaker 11 There's a chair.

Speaker 49 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 50 One more time for Ian Bag and Tyler Fisher.

Speaker 51 They're on tour.

Speaker 12 Ianbag.com, TylerFisher.com. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Speaker 52 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 54 I apologize. I didn't bring merch.

Speaker 56 Tyler, what the fuck did you just throw out to the crowd there?

Speaker 57 All small.

Speaker 58 Some hats.

Speaker 59 I'm shadow banned on the internet. You're not even shadow banned for your shit.

Speaker 61 So you got to spell it out.

Speaker 59 You got to write it all out now, or you're not going to find it.

Speaker 62 I love it.

Speaker 63 You got it.

Speaker 64 All socials at TyTheFish, F-I-S-C-H.

Speaker 61 I'm still wearing Jordan Peterson's gay shirt from last time, by the way.

Speaker 64 Well, welcome back.

Speaker 65 Tyler, you've been on this show once before.

Speaker 67 Ian Bag, this is your first time.

Speaker 68 Yes.

Speaker 69 Welcome, Ian.

Speaker 39 We're going to have so much goddamn fun tonight.

Speaker 71 Uh-huh.

Speaker 72 Yes.

Speaker 74 Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show.

Speaker 44 That's real.

Speaker 77 Yeah, it's in the bucket here, and they are all at a bar across the street.

Speaker 78 If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 39 You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 78 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

Speaker 39 which interrupts them, and they have to wrap it up then.

Speaker 75 And that's it.

Speaker 81 You want to pull the first name tonight, sir?

Speaker 57 Look at that. Yes.

Speaker 64 Right off the top there.

Speaker 63 Yeah, go ahead. Take it.

Speaker 82 Get him.

Speaker 84 And

Speaker 31 yeah, that's it.

Speaker 85 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 87 While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight.

Speaker 30 It's been a while since we saw him.

Speaker 31 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with a brand new 60 seconds, one of the most adorable creatures to ever hit the stage here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 83 Ladies and gentlemen, one of the top young,

Speaker 42 very young, rising.

Speaker 27 And by rising, I mean he's not throwing any more comedians in the world.

Speaker 50 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Heath Cortis, everybody.

Speaker 89 A lady broke my heart recently.

Speaker 89 She said she'd always be in my corner, but she's not. She left.
She's not in my corner. She left.

Speaker 89 Stupid fucking bitch.

Speaker 89 But

Speaker 89 you know what's always been in my corner? You know what's actually in my corner?

Speaker 89 Stiff socks.

Speaker 89 Freedom.

Speaker 89 I met a nice lady the other night. She told me that she had a mommy kink, and that's great for me.
That's perfect.

Speaker 91 I'm kinky.

Speaker 89 I have a fucking thing that moves kink.

Speaker 89 She,

Speaker 89 you know, I didn't use protection. I'm not supposed to know what that is.
Just a

Speaker 89 just small boy.

Speaker 89 She asked me if I had some. I said, when I'm in danger, I call 911.

Speaker 89 I'm a dad now.

Speaker 91 Thank you.

Speaker 68 Keith Cordis.

Speaker 33 Absolutely.

Speaker 27 I don't even know where to begin.

Speaker 89 Hi, Tony.

Speaker 14 Hello, how are you?

Speaker 85 Why'd you point at me when you said stiff socks?

Speaker 89 It was a misdirect.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 91 Absolutely. So a woman broke your heart?

Speaker 89 Yeah, I'm heartbroken.

Speaker 63 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 92 I'm heartbroken.

Speaker 81 How did that happen? What happened?

Speaker 62 I

Speaker 89 play it. Play the music.

Speaker 41 Yeah, if you're gonna hit it, fucking hit it.

Speaker 11 Jesus.

Speaker 89 She led me on.

Speaker 89 She told me that she would take care of me. She told me that

Speaker 89 she had milk.

Speaker 30 She said I could grow with her.

Speaker 73 Was this your mother?

Speaker 93 I wish.

Speaker 94 Wow. She said you could grow with her.

Speaker 75 Something that's absolutely physically impossible.

Speaker 34 Question. Yeah.

Speaker 92 Yes.

Speaker 31 Is that the only thing wrong with your heart?

Speaker 95 There's...

Speaker 96 There's.

Speaker 98 No.

Speaker 89 No, it's not.

Speaker 90 I had a feeling.

Speaker 100 I had a feeling. Yeah.

Speaker 67 Was she a nurse?

Speaker 89 No,

Speaker 89 that's my kink. I'm a, you know, I'm a nurse.

Speaker 101 Please, that's your kink. Yeah.

Speaker 35 You look like a child.

Speaker 103 Everything's your fucking kink.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Like, just doing it. That's fucking kinky.

Speaker 3 Like, you should be doing homework.

Speaker 107 And they're fucking, you're doing it. I'm sorry.

Speaker 72 I didn't mean to snap.

Speaker 19 That guy's a kid.

Speaker 34 If Tyson was here, he would hold you fucking and tease you and fucking tickle you.

Speaker 104 Hell yeah. Jump at you.

Speaker 90 I'm just like, fucking, I'm just, I'm upset that I don't look like you.

Speaker 22 If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now

Speaker 86 it's true

Speaker 2 it's true

Speaker 108 it's not a joke come on those are the longest toes I've ever seen he's got he looks like he has long toes you look like you're born from precom

Speaker 22 I can say that because I was we're you know solidarity man look at that

Speaker 108 Jeffrey Dahmer when he was six

Speaker 110 I love it so Heath you have have your heart broken.

Speaker 67 How did she let you know?

Speaker 75 Did she tell you face to face that it's over or what?

Speaker 89 No, it was through text.

Speaker 33 It was through.

Speaker 5 Text.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 14 And then it's true, you've already moved on to another woman.

Speaker 89 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 90 And you, uh...

Speaker 89 I went to Puerto Rico.

Speaker 28 You really?

Speaker 75 Hold on a second.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 113 When did you go to Puerto Rico?

Speaker 89 Like, literally, like, I just got back from San Juan today.

Speaker 106 Today. Yeah.

Speaker 114 When were you in Puerto Rico?

Speaker 64 How long were you in Puerto Rico?

Speaker 89 This whole weekend. I was doing like a private gig for like a bunch of millionaires and like I did this house party.
All the venues pulled out. I don't know why, but

Speaker 5 were there any threats?

Speaker 56 Were you in danger at all?

Speaker 79 Did anybody say anything to you?

Speaker 115 Look at them.

Speaker 112 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Fucking always in danger. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Every time a van goes by him.

Speaker 103 i love it question did you go outside when you were there because you're white as

Speaker 89 yeah i i just like i mean i didn't tan much i wore uh spf 100 you know

Speaker 31 yeah kids proof you got a chick there though yeah i brought a chick you brought a chick yeah i brought a chick oh yeah whoa you right yeah you took a girl to Puerto Rico with you

Speaker 13 oh my god look at the life that you're living heath yeah wow fist bump from Michael Gonzalez hell yeah Did you share a coach seat?

Speaker 43 I sat in her lap.

Speaker 89 I didn't even have to buy a ticket.

Speaker 79 Amazing.

Speaker 31 Amazing.

Speaker 54 I like that he's bragging about bringing his handler with him.

Speaker 9 I love you.

Speaker 3 I love you. I'm not trying to be mean at all.

Speaker 107 I'm just like, fuck your child.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 90 No, it is.

Speaker 75 He's unbelievably adorable.

Speaker 63 So

Speaker 65 tell me a little bit more about Puerto Rico.

Speaker 84 Was there any other highlights?

Speaker 65 Did the gig go good?

Speaker 42 What exactly did they pay you to do?

Speaker 61 They uh

Speaker 119 red bam

Speaker 6 for the love of God.

Speaker 58 Oh my god.

Speaker 120 Jesus Christ, Red Bam.

Speaker 91 Just give it a

Speaker 72 little bit of time.

Speaker 100 Okay.

Speaker 31 A couple more weeks.

Speaker 60 Nobody heard the joke. They don't even have electricity there.

Speaker 119 Well, now they're going to rewind it.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 53 Son of a fucking bitch.

Speaker 87 No, don't hide.

Speaker 101 Don't hide now.

Speaker 89 The electricity did go out like three times.

Speaker 47 Okay, fuck this.

Speaker 24 Fuck this.

Speaker 106 Fuck this.

Speaker 106 God damn it.

Speaker 74 Can you say anything else about fucking all of Puerto Rico?

Speaker 89 It didn't smell like garbage.

Speaker 47 Okay, all right, that's it.

Speaker 20 That's it.

Speaker 26 This interview's over.

Speaker 29 Ladies, Heath, anything else to say?

Speaker 12 Are you done?

Speaker 89 I mean, it depends on you.

Speaker 86 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 It depends on you.

Speaker 105 Kill Tari!

Speaker 50 There he goes. Heath Cordis, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's go.

Speaker 43 Time for the bucket. Heath,

Speaker 122 put that mic stand back where you got it from, you little misbehavior.

Speaker 43 You.

Speaker 43 All right, your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 26 there's the lovely Heidi

Speaker 43 One more time for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 It has begun.

Speaker 43 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Matt Rivera, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 42 Here we go.

Speaker 53 Matt Rivera.

Speaker 36 People have been telling me lately that they don't think I'm very nice, so I'm trying to be more supportive.

Speaker 36 Like a friend of mine recently came out as bisexual.

Speaker 36 That was weird,

Speaker 36 but he made an Instagram post about it.

Speaker 36 Did you guys know that it's not supportive to comment? I fucking knew it,

Speaker 36 but I'm not perfect either. Like, I like tomboys, which is a type of girl.

Speaker 36 I'm serious, but

Speaker 36 it's still a weird thing to come out and say to your guy friends, especially one of them is named Tom.

Speaker 36 I think, okay, delivery could be simple. Like, I like Tom, boys, but no, I'm worried I'm going to fuck up and be like, I like Tom, boys.

Speaker 36 It was even worse than I thought.

Speaker 36 Because I was drunk. I was just like, I like boys, Tom.

Speaker 67 All right, Matt Rivera.

Speaker 18 Welcome to the show, Matt.

Speaker 36 Thank you. Happy to be here.

Speaker 84 This is your first time, right?

Speaker 120 Yeah, first time. I'm Kiltoni.

Speaker 85 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 36 I've been doing stand-up for about four years.

Speaker 44 Four years. Where at?

Speaker 36 I started in Union City, New Jersey.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 81 And where else? Where have you been since then?

Speaker 36 I've done a lot of time in New York. I just moved out here eight months just to pursue it.
I heard the scene was awesome, and I'm never fucking going back.

Speaker 120 This shit's sick.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you're having fun here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 64 It is a good old time.

Speaker 116 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 36 Right now, I do a lot of temp work, but I work for Not a Damn Chance Burger.

Speaker 106 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 126 We love Not a Damn Chance Burger.

Speaker 88 Truly one of the most addictive, unbelievable, heroin-like burgers you could find in the city.

Speaker 36 Straight burgers. It's worth the $17.

Speaker 100 Yeah, it really, really is.

Speaker 23 It's a fucking diabolical burger.

Speaker 75 That's incredible.

Speaker 116 What do you think, Ian?

Speaker 94 Where have you been hanging out that you needed to say tomboys are a type of girl?

Speaker 36 I just know that I'm in Texas and things get lost in translation out here.

Speaker 63 Whoa.

Speaker 65 They get lost in translation in New York City as well.

Speaker 31 It's been a hell of a week.

Speaker 54 So you didn't think they were smart enough? What's that? You didn't think they were smart enough to pick up on that with a type of girl.

Speaker 72 That's really nice. I don't know.

Speaker 36 That was a fucking good role.

Speaker 118 I liked it.

Speaker 61 Are you bisexual? You got the.

Speaker 108 Isn't that the left earring?

Speaker 127 Are we still doing that?

Speaker 81 You do have a lacrosse in your left ear. Yeah.

Speaker 65 Is the one in the right I can't see over there.

Speaker 95 Okay, no, just a normal one.

Speaker 68 Yep, that's just a normal one.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 81 Okay, so where do you stand sexually?

Speaker 78 Are you a tom girl?

Speaker 116 He's in a Bon Jovi tribute band.

Speaker 36 No, no,

Speaker 36 I am straight, but a lot of people say that I look like I could be gay.

Speaker 69 I know all about that, too.

Speaker 52 We relate on a lot of things.

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Okay, Matt.

Speaker 81 So here in Austin, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 36 I heard there's a lot of cool nature stuff to do out here.

Speaker 99 Holy shit.

Speaker 87 Oh, my God.

Speaker 61 I got two gay dads.

Speaker 129 I have my gay dars amazing.

Speaker 5 I know people are gay before they even know.

Speaker 61 This guy?

Speaker 109 You'll find out.

Speaker 14 It's been eight months.

Speaker 56 You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here?

Speaker 5 I just got by.

Speaker 91 What's that?

Speaker 127 Oh, timey voice.

Speaker 59 I don't know.

Speaker 31 Have you been to an HEB yet?

Speaker 36 Yeah, that's the fucking shit, dude. It is.

Speaker 66 Absolutely right.

Speaker 113 Shout out to H-E-B,

Speaker 75 the greatest grocery store that's ever existed.

Speaker 67 How about a Bucky's? Have you been to Bucky's?

Speaker 36 Yeah, I actually went to a Bucky's the first time a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 89 What did it make you feel like?

Speaker 84 Tell the people watching around the world how it feels for a little boy from Jersey,

Speaker 44 a tiny, tiny little boy from Jersey, to walk into a Bucky's for the first time about the wonder that went over your body or however it made you feel.

Speaker 36 I've never been to a place that sells like cigarettes and also a brisket.

Speaker 36 That was really interesting. But it was the craziest thing is that it was just like a giant gift shop about this beaver, and I don't really get the lore behind it.

Speaker 130 Oh, you will.

Speaker 86 Oh, give it some time.

Speaker 61 He hangs out at grocery stores, in the woods, truck shops, and doesn't know what a beaver is. This guy's gay as fuck.

Speaker 106 What are we doing here?

Speaker 121 What are we doing?

Speaker 131 Jake is up, dude. I'll suck you off right now, dude.

Speaker 61 I look like the CEO of Buckies, by the way.

Speaker 54 Maybe you should sit on the outside.

Speaker 110 I love it. So, Matt,

Speaker 33 what else in your life?

Speaker 65 What do you, what you have a crazy family?

Speaker 81 How do you think you ended up wanting to be a stand-up comedian?

Speaker 81 What kind of childhood trauma did you go through?

Speaker 91 Is it that obvious?

Speaker 72 Yep.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 36 Well, I am a child of divorce. My family's Puerto Rican.

Speaker 45 This episode's canceled. Say no more.

Speaker 121 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 101 Enjoy your golden buzzer.

Speaker 54 That was fucking good timing right there. My family's Puerto Rican.

Speaker 133 Enjoy your money, sir.

Speaker 68 Have a good night.

Speaker 103 Tell your people, please. No.

Speaker 101 It's the name of a show.

Speaker 95 It's not what they want them to do.

Speaker 59 You look like a Puerto Rican Rachel Maddow, actually.

Speaker 59 Well, no, this guy's voting tomorrow. Holy shit.

Speaker 31 Fantastic.

Speaker 65 So, Puerto Rican family, what was that like?

Speaker 65 Hey!

Speaker 93 Hey, we got Tony killed.

Speaker 134 Great.

Speaker 17 Fucking awesome.

Speaker 56 Remember that show?

Speaker 4 Remember when there used to be a show every Monday?

Speaker 11 Now that guy's dead.

Speaker 73 You fucking traitors all in.

Speaker 69 Tell us about your fucking family.

Speaker 33 Hurry.

Speaker 66 Hurry, motherfucker. Answer now.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 103 So

Speaker 36 I was raised very whitewash. My older sister speaks Spanish, but me and my younger siblings don't speak any Spanish.
And my dad raised us in the Bronx, New York, and we were very sheltered.

Speaker 36 Like, he made us walk in a straight line. He was a military guy.

Speaker 114 And, yeah, we didn't absorb any of the hood.

Speaker 31 So that's cool, I guess.

Speaker 49 Absorb.

Speaker 90 You mean bullets.

Speaker 14 Yeah, when you say you didn't absorb any of the hood, are you saying that walking in a straight line is the way to avoid being influenced in any way?

Speaker 108 Like,

Speaker 31 your dad figured it out.

Speaker 82 Also, are you, as a Puerto Rican, calling New York City a white trash garbage dump?

Speaker 127 What are you saying, man? I I live there.

Speaker 101 Enjoy, Tony.

Speaker 80 Fuck.

Speaker 33 Fuck. You're free, my friend.
You're free.

Speaker 61 Being whitewashed was the most he was cleaned, though, I'd say.

Speaker 5 Okey-doky.

Speaker 108 I got nothing to lose.

Speaker 59 I just got banned from Delta Airlines, so.

Speaker 59 All right.

Speaker 59 All right, Matt.

Speaker 65 Well,

Speaker 65 what scares you, Matt?

Speaker 79 What are you afraid of in this world?

Speaker 36 I think I'm most afraid of

Speaker 36 dying feeling worthless.

Speaker 48 Wow. Fuck, it's a comedy.

Speaker 53 We'll be right back.

Speaker 102 It's a comedy show, motherfucker.

Speaker 133 Jesus Christ, now we all have to leave and cry ourselves to sleep because we all feel that.

Speaker 80 Fuck me.

Speaker 9 That's what I came here for.

Speaker 72 Well, I know. We fucking felt it.

Speaker 79 Yes. I would say.

Speaker 54 A white man and a black man felt that right then.

Speaker 68 Black lady, sorry. Apologize.

Speaker 111 You guys are great. Tomboy.

Speaker 58 Oh, it's just getting worse. I'm not going to say anything.

Speaker 14 Matt, fun times.

Speaker 11 You're not worthless to us.

Speaker 14 You're leaving here with a big joke book.

Speaker 136 Congratulations.

Speaker 47 There you go.

Speaker 26 Oh, God. Tony assaults Puerto Rican comedian.

Speaker 43 We're gonna edit all this out.

Speaker 113 We're gonna edit it all out.

Speaker 50 Alright, Jesus Christ, Heidi, hurry up for the love of fucking God.

Speaker 122 Okay, alright, have Yoni fix it.

Speaker 113 Jesus fucking God Almighty.

Speaker 53 Alright.

Speaker 26 Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh?

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Speaker 43 Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody.

Speaker 26 Lorenzo Tyree.

Speaker 92 Call me Lemonade because I'm about to be made tonight.

Speaker 92 Minute made, minute made.

Speaker 92 So growing up, I actually got made fun of. It was

Speaker 92 like, what, six years old? Yeah, I was like six years old. And

Speaker 36 this kid came up to me at the lunch table.

Speaker 92 He's like,

Speaker 36 Lorenzo, you got big pointy ears.

Speaker 92 Is your dad an elf? And everyone started howling, just, ah, this guy's dad's an elf.

Speaker 31 Dumbo.

Speaker 36 And I'm like, in shock, because like, I never met my dad.

Speaker 92 I know, I know typical, I know, typical. But I go home that night to my grandma.

Speaker 31 I go to buy my babushka, what they say in Russian.

Speaker 92 I go home to her, and I'm like, grandma, grandma, is my dad an elf? Is that where he's been this whole time up in the North Pole helping kids make, you know, helping Santa make

Speaker 91 toys for the kids?

Speaker 58 And

Speaker 92 she's like, no, Lorenzo, your dad's not an elf.

Speaker 143 Your dad's deported.

Speaker 92 And that's why I, you know, knew where my dad was and what deported meant.

Speaker 28 Lorenzo Tyree, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 39 Lorenzo, do I even want to ask what ethnicity you are?

Speaker 92 I'm a mutt.

Speaker 123 I'm a mutt.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Uh-huh.
What do you think I am?

Speaker 62 Well.

Speaker 80 Don't ask him.

Speaker 9 He can't do that. Seriously, fucking, we're all going down if you ask him.

Speaker 38 You're the one that made a joke about being deported.

Speaker 31 So where would they be deported to if you're such a mutt?

Speaker 106 Dominican republic okay all right dominican republic totally different place horrible

Speaker 63 horrible roads

Speaker 92 i love it okay and what's your mom my mom is italian and scottish and costa rican okay and woody allen apparently

Speaker 48 you do have a look to you ian is on to something here you have a little bit of a look what do people say that you look like free college uh have you seen the movie uh

Speaker 76 grand turismo yeah i need to drive the cars i need to i need to go fast the guy you know no i look like him okay all right how long you been doing stand-up for lorenzo uh roughly a year just uh i can tell it's going roughly

Speaker 64 so about a year where's this year been uh here in austin yeah here in austin is this where you're from no where are you from born and raised alaskan

Speaker 74 They got people like you in Alaska?

Speaker 5 Very few, very few.

Speaker 120 Damn, your people crossed a lot of borders to get up there.

Speaker 65 They just kept going until they fucking are stuck in the snow.

Speaker 49 We'll stay here.

Speaker 38 Ian.

Speaker 60 Who gets deported from Alaska?

Speaker 6 Like, fuck, there's nothing there.

Speaker 61 Yeah. Well, the garbage is frozen there.

Speaker 5 You can't get rid of it.

Speaker 123 You can't get rid of it.

Speaker 54 You make me laugh, big baby.

Speaker 75 What do you do for work, Lorenzo?

Speaker 92 We've got a little smoke shop downtown.

Speaker 92 Smoke paradise. Come see me.

Speaker 77 Okay. Come see me.

Speaker 120 Smoke paradise.

Speaker 81 What makes your smoke shop better than the rest?

Speaker 58 Oh, I'm there.

Speaker 61 It's like, it's cool.

Speaker 92 It's like a little trailer.

Speaker 31 So it's like, I'm serving out this little trailer.

Speaker 92 People come up.

Speaker 31 Homeless and all. It's fun.

Speaker 111 It's really fun.

Speaker 84 Okay.

Speaker 94 How long have you been working there?

Speaker 77 Ooh, February.

Speaker 92 So like eight months, eight months. There are any.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Okay. It's been a ride.

Speaker 92 It's been a ride.

Speaker 100 What's your love life like?

Speaker 92 My love life? Yeah.

Speaker 142 I'm young. I'm just trying to figure out myself.

Speaker 58 You got a pink left earring again.

Speaker 31 Look at that. A pink left earring.

Speaker 142 I think that's red, man. Huh?

Speaker 58 It's red. Oh, it's the right one?

Speaker 82 Red.

Speaker 63 Oh, red. Oh.
Red, yeah.

Speaker 59 Ruby red.

Speaker 66 I don't see color.

Speaker 115 I like that. I like that.

Speaker 6 I do see Jews, though.

Speaker 22 I do see Jews.

Speaker 6 Ty, the left one's not gay.

Speaker 109 Remember that. The left one's not gay.
Not gay.

Speaker 31 Oh, okay. Yeah, the right's gay.

Speaker 72 Hey, if I got both of these for those.

Speaker 31 Well, that means you're gay.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 130 All right, guys.

Speaker 26 It's a very earring-heavy episode so far. Let's keep it on the human.

Speaker 65 I like to focus on what's in between the ears of the comedians here.

Speaker 100 And I don't have much to work with right now.

Speaker 41 Lorenzo, tell us a fun fact fact about your life.

Speaker 23 What makes you interesting?

Speaker 92 Raised by my grandma. That was cool.
She's an

Speaker 65 interesting person. Why were you raised by your grandma?

Speaker 92 Mom on drugs. Mom on drugs.

Speaker 82 Moms on drugs?

Speaker 91 What kind of drugs?

Speaker 95 Like all of them.

Speaker 92 She's getting better, but I think she's probably done everything.

Speaker 81 Wow.

Speaker 81 How often do you talk to your mom?

Speaker 92 Now I talk to her more. Yeah, like I just called her last week.
So

Speaker 92 every other week or so.

Speaker 58 Get her on the line.

Speaker 59 I found my mom overdosing.

Speaker 135 Was that her thing?

Speaker 31 Like, was she like a partier?

Speaker 92 You could say that. Yeah.
Alaska is wild.

Speaker 95 It's wild. It is?

Speaker 77 Oh, yeah. That's their saying.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Great north. The salmon.

Speaker 64 Alaska's wild.

Speaker 58 The salmon is.

Speaker 77 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 99 And there's mom.

Speaker 107 I don't know the people are.

Speaker 54 Mom's grabbing fish out of the stream to sell for drugs.

Speaker 85 Do you fish a lot in Alaska?

Speaker 142 Oh, man.

Speaker 36 This doesn't even go back to Alaska.

Speaker 92 It's like, I'm Dominican. I gotta

Speaker 95 get those fish.

Speaker 31 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 63 Yeah, fuck.

Speaker 31 Yeah, I don't use that rod shit.

Speaker 92 I fucking get in there with the...

Speaker 58 With a gun? What is that?

Speaker 107 Do you have any clue what you're talking about right now?

Speaker 54 I'm Dominican.

Speaker 34 Talk about fishing.

Speaker 101 I gotta stab people.

Speaker 95 Okay, I don't do any of that.

Speaker 67 What about dad?

Speaker 117 Tell us about your dad.

Speaker 92 Well, I never met him, like, until seventh grade. I went to Dominica, and it was wild.

Speaker 64 Yeah, tell us about it.

Speaker 31 I was wild. So,

Speaker 92 you know, first two weeks, it was like paradise. It was just, you know,

Speaker 92 everything's good. We're eating good, going out.

Speaker 82 Then my aunts went back home to Alaska, and he switched the flip, like locked the doors up.

Speaker 92 kept me inside couldn't play with the dominican kids couldn't learn more spanish and then he broke my phone couldn't couldn't talk to the fam.

Speaker 75 What do you mean he broke your phone? He like smashed it?

Speaker 92 Yeah, he smashed it. So like I was on playing like some Clash Royale.

Speaker 31 Uh-huh. And he was like, What are you doing over there?

Speaker 141 You texting your family?

Speaker 92 I'm like, no, but I really was, but I was like, no, no, no. And he's like, he's like, yeah, let me see your phone.

Speaker 95 I was like, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 92 And he grabs it and he just slams it because he's like, this is my house.

Speaker 31 You know, this is me.

Speaker 92 You know, it's that bullshit.

Speaker 144 That bullshit.

Speaker 72 All right, well, we've all been there.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 90 But yeah, it was

Speaker 92 wild like

Speaker 77 it was wild

Speaker 58 I want to hear more about that though as far as our writing goes I would write about that.

Speaker 36 That's that's interesting stuff.

Speaker 92 So yeah, yeah, like got bare minimum food like we got some like water with some tang and then some bread and butter.

Speaker 72 That was breakfast dinner with some water with tang.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 49 I mean tang?

Speaker 86 Yeah, exactly. It's just tang.

Speaker 11 Well it's like the powder that you gotta put it in yeah but that's that's actually it's not I mean I mean it's not the worst breakfast beverage in the world.

Speaker 84 Tang's not that terrible.

Speaker 92 I mean, yeah, the bread like it filled up made me fool.

Speaker 31 Was your dad in prison?

Speaker 62 Huh?

Speaker 116 When you went to visit him. Was he in prison?

Speaker 92 No, he was actually doing really good in Dominica because he knows English, so you get like the English slash Spanish job. So he's like, I'm pretty good, but like, he was a bad man.

Speaker 19 He's actually here tonight.

Speaker 58 Why don't you come on out, Carl?

Speaker 45 Let's back it up to breakfast again.

Speaker 16 So you had Tang, and you said bread with butter.

Speaker 65 Was this bread toasted?

Speaker 92 No, no, we didn't have a toaster.

Speaker 64 No toaster, no toaster. So it was just raw bread.

Speaker 15 Yeah. Raw bread.
But essentially,

Speaker 136 essentially, it's sushi toast.

Speaker 40 Depending on how you look at it.

Speaker 13 I mean, in a normal household, I know rich kids that are happy with some tang and toast for breakfast.

Speaker 101 In fact, you saying raw bread.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Raw bread.

Speaker 49 The most bougie thing I've ever heard you say in my life.

Speaker 3 No wonder they hated you in New York.

Speaker 49 I just walked out

Speaker 49 raw bread was my name.

Speaker 11 It's only applicable during breakfast conversations.

Speaker 72 Raw bread is normal for lunch and dinner.

Speaker 135 Especially dinner.

Speaker 115 Dough, actually. Yeah.

Speaker 31 It's called bread.

Speaker 95 It's raw toast.

Speaker 31 Well, I guess.

Speaker 127 Raw toast, yeah, that's what it is.

Speaker 127 Sorry, we're talking.

Speaker 96 You fucking blew our mind.

Speaker 16 Now there's dough has entered the conversation.

Speaker 79 You're right.

Speaker 127 I guess dough would kind of be raw bread.

Speaker 54 And bread is raw toast.

Speaker 109 I feel like we're doing whatever drugs your mom is on right now.

Speaker 49 I feel like we're in a trailer wherever it works and we're buying out.

Speaker 64 There's levels to it. There's levels to it.

Speaker 65 There's dough, then there's bread, then there's toast.

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 113 Thank you, lady. Fuck you, bitch.

Speaker 113 What an asshole.

Speaker 108 That's the yeast of of your worries, Tony.

Speaker 87 Wow, look at that red band.

Speaker 43 Red band.

Speaker 43 Unbelievable.

Speaker 146 Unbelievable. Where's your sound effect?

Speaker 114 Somebody's father came flying out of nowhere and dropped that.

Speaker 79 There it is.

Speaker 28 You guys might not have been here last week.

Speaker 69 We have a new sound effect for when Red Band is a good one.

Speaker 53 We've done.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 113 Well, I'll tell you what, Lorenzo.

Speaker 100 It was okay.

Speaker 14 Here comes a little joke book coming at you.

Speaker 43 There he goes. Lorenzo Tyree with a little joke book.

Speaker 12 And on and on it goes.

Speaker 43 How about a hand for Yoni, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 86 He is the muscle.

Speaker 122 The muscle.

Speaker 43 Not quite as pretty as Heidi, but he can do like mechanical shit.

Speaker 20 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner.

Speaker 42 He is

Speaker 42 a legend on this show.

Speaker 135 Make some noise for the great and powerful.

Speaker 43 Aaron Belial, everybody.

Speaker 50 It's the return of Aaron Belial

Speaker 122 from America's Got Talent recruited for that show here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 12 AGT Kill Tony legend.

Speaker 57 One more time for the great Aaron Belial, everybody.

Speaker 111 I had a one-night stand, and six weeks later, she texts me saying she's pregnant. Bullshit, I wore protection.
And no, I didn't put the condom on my hand to protect her from Mr. Scratchy.

Speaker 111 I knew she was lying because we only had sex once, and I checked, and I had a full bag of goop.

Speaker 111 I brought my condoms home with me, and inspected them because you can't trust these hoes.

Speaker 111 This lady poked holes in my condoms? I have pictures. She's a lunatic.
I don't even have money. I'm just a middle-class retarded guy like you.

Speaker 111 Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms and ties them up so this doesn't happen. But I can't tie a knot, so next time I'm using fucking lighter fluid.

Speaker 111 She thought she could outsmart me. Nah, I knew what to do.
I told her cerebral palsy is hereditary.

Speaker 31 You can't fool me, lady.

Speaker 111 That little two-handed bastard ain't mine.

Speaker 26 Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 52 God damn.

Speaker 39 A lot of drama going on with the golden ticket winners lately.

Speaker 33 Look at you.

Speaker 81 Filling up fucking condoms, taking them home with you.

Speaker 63 You really did that?

Speaker 111 Well, I sent some coat hangers in the mail, and I'm just hoping for the best.

Speaker 130 You are a wild boy, Aaron Belial.

Speaker 68 Good Lord Almighty.

Speaker 66 Look at that.

Speaker 45 Never heard you make so much noise before.

Speaker 115 Hey, you guys.

Speaker 84 Very interesting.

Speaker 69 So it was a one-night stand?

Speaker 81 You can barely fucking stand.

Speaker 58 One-hand stand.

Speaker 36 Calls it a one-hand

Speaker 58 That's good for grabbing the clit, that little claw thing.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 36 You kind of get me getting, you know.

Speaker 144 Yep.

Speaker 73 The old reverse squirter there.

Speaker 73 The old no-look squirt, just the fucking.

Speaker 66 Clit grabbing claw.

Speaker 132 Yep.

Speaker 111 I can stand. We did it doggy style.

Speaker 76 Oh.

Speaker 100 More like froggy style.

Speaker 5 Was it a chihuahua?

Speaker 111 I finally realized why they call you the golden pony. You like to be on all fours getting pissed on in a horse mask.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 53 You s- oh.

Speaker 126 Fuck all of you.

Speaker 75 It is true, though, by the way.

Speaker 44 That's hot.

Speaker 96 That's hot.

Speaker 46 Do you have any special crazy things you're into in the bedroom?

Speaker 64 You ever use Mr.

Speaker 31 Scratchy for anything?

Speaker 31 Yanbag?

Speaker 82 Why would you say special?

Speaker 84 Sorry.

Speaker 75 What are you into, Aaron?

Speaker 88 You wouldn't need a ball gag in your mouth.

Speaker 69 That wouldn't do anything.

Speaker 111 This is a dangerous weapon.

Speaker 91 It is.

Speaker 110 It is.

Speaker 147 Uh-oh.

Speaker 45 Uh-oh, he's cooking up something good here.

Speaker 70 For those of you just listening to the podcast, his thumb is absolutely scorching across the board.

Speaker 111 Would you want this inside of you?

Speaker 119 No, they don't.

Speaker 88 No, nobody wants that inside of him.

Speaker 67 Mr. Scratchy.

Speaker 60 He's a watch in it for you.

Speaker 64 That watch ain't going nowhere.

Speaker 130 Look at that thing.

Speaker 149 I've never seen a more secure watch in my entire life.

Speaker 33 Would you want this insight?

Speaker 70 Oh, he's cooking up something, Ian.

Speaker 82 Look out.

Speaker 111 It's so nice to meet you, Ian. You're like Matt Reif after six kids, and the worst divorce of all time.

Speaker 97 What the fuck?

Speaker 26 You guys are fellow Canadians, I do believe, right?

Speaker 52 You're a Canadian, right?

Speaker 106 Canadian?

Speaker 84 Yeah, you didn't tell me that.

Speaker 54 I've been talking to him all weekend, kind of.

Speaker 31 The real land of garbage?

Speaker 87 The real land of garbage.

Speaker 124 Okay, all right.

Speaker 136 Well, it's a hot subject tonight.

Speaker 83 Ha ha ha ha.

Speaker 12 Very topical.

Speaker 75 All right, you fucking son of a bitch.

Speaker 67 Over there typing shit.

Speaker 100 Aaron Belial, what else is going on, Judorino?

Speaker 111 Halloween was fun. I like to scare kids.
I didn't dress up or anything. I just tell them when I was a kid, I didn't eat my vegetables.

Speaker 111 I was handing out onions and shit saying, if you don't want to look like me, you better eat that.

Speaker 85 That's amazing.

Speaker 150 You doing.

Speaker 67 Well, yeah.

Speaker 151 Huh.

Speaker 54 Onions stop that from happening.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Isn't that an interesting vegetable?

Speaker 152 Onion.

Speaker 65 Of all the vegetables, you went with onions.

Speaker 107 You want it inside you?

Speaker 109 It's the hardest one to chop, too.

Speaker 31 I like to make them cry.

Speaker 99 Ah,

Speaker 149 fuck yeah, Aaron.

Speaker 31 I'm inside them?

Speaker 91 So, you really took the condom home with you?

Speaker 63 Is that a real thing? No way, right?

Speaker 73 I mean, you could yes or no, you could shake your head off.

Speaker 57 Just go to the bathroom.

Speaker 111 It's called a joke, Tony.

Speaker 62 Oh, okay. Well,

Speaker 126 all right, thank you, Aaron.

Speaker 67 You fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 111 After my last appearance, someone invited me to a ranch that does horseback riding for special needs kids. And I thought, this is perfect.
I'll help Tony find new regulars.

Speaker 111 And I started handing out flyers to the parents.

Speaker 26 I love it that one of my special needs comedians is making fun of me for hiring so many special needs comedians.

Speaker 53 You have to love it.

Speaker 119 I'll give you some time off after this so that that fucking stereotype of my show dies down a little bit.

Speaker 111 Then I realized I am just hurting myself, so I put a shot collar on the horses. Those little bastards have no grip strength at all.

Speaker 72 Aaron, I love you.

Speaker 39 You're amazing.

Speaker 85 You have some tour dates coming up or something?

Speaker 65 You have that already preset in your phone?

Speaker 111 I am going to Arkansas, and I have a big run in the Florida area in December. I'll be in Miami, Naples, Key West, Boca, Melbourne, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, basically everywhere with Gators.

Speaker 111 Get tickets at mutecomedian.com.

Speaker 71 Wow.

Speaker 28 There he goes.

Speaker 12 MuteComedian.com.

Speaker 119 We know him.

Speaker 52 We love him.

Speaker 1 Our boy, there he goes, galloping away.

Speaker 65 It's amazing when that guy shows up to a horse riding place and he already looks like he fell off a horse.

Speaker 144 They're like, oh, he's going for it again.

Speaker 20 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Angel Maldonado, everybody.

Speaker 43 Angel Maldonado.

Speaker 11 60 seconds uninterrupted for Angel.

Speaker 143 How are we doing tonight, y'all?

Speaker 143 Yeah. All right.
Identify yourself. Who in this room thinks I'm straight? You know, show of hands, make a little noise, clap your hands.

Speaker 2 All All right.

Speaker 143 Some delayed reactions.

Speaker 143 That's the usual reaction that I get, actually.

Speaker 143 I don't know what it is about Texas. Ever since I moved here, I think all the steers, everybody just figures that I'm the queer.
I don't know what that's about.

Speaker 143 Either that or the long hair combined with I'm so racially ambiguous. That everybody also assumes that my sexuality is an ambiguous topic.

Speaker 143 I don't know what that is. I don't know.
I think I'm on to something.

Speaker 143 The other day, I had a comic tell me that I'd make a good prison wife.

Speaker 143 Yeah, it was his actual wording was, you would have the power of the pussy in prison, Angel. And

Speaker 143 I said, wow, thank you.

Speaker 145 I appreciate that.

Speaker 143 True story. Anyway, that was my time.

Speaker 70 All right, Angel Maldonado.

Speaker 134 How are you doing, Angel?

Speaker 143 I am loving life. I am so tired.
I'm so high.

Speaker 118 Okay. There's

Speaker 150 excuses.

Speaker 90 Why are you so tired?

Speaker 143 I'm a door guy next door at Buck Wild. I've been working all Halloween weekend.
It's so fucked up.

Speaker 143 My sleep schedule is nocturnal right now. It's bad.

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Okay. What else?

Speaker 88 I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job.

Speaker 44 What is that, like eight to three or something?

Speaker 143 No, no.

Speaker 143 I work until the bars close, and then I left.

Speaker 72 So what time is that?

Speaker 143 I left work at like 4 a.m. last night.

Speaker 48 Wait, so 8 to 4?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Nah, 6. 6.

Speaker 75 6 to 4.

Speaker 143 Yeah, 6 to like 4 a.m.

Speaker 95 You check IDs.

Speaker 143 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 143 It's easy money. It's pretty fun.
I'm not complaining.

Speaker 72 Right.

Speaker 48 Yeah, yeah, you were.

Speaker 57 Yeah, you were.

Speaker 126 Dante.

Speaker 109 We all hurdling this.

Speaker 143 I mean,

Speaker 143 I'm from New York originally, so I mean, people read my energy as complaining a lot.

Speaker 97 You're from New York.

Speaker 88 What in this city are you, Angel Maldena?

Speaker 143 I don't want to bring this up, Tony.

Speaker 9 I don't want to bring this up.

Speaker 127 Let's

Speaker 101 redemption tour.

Speaker 22 Just say what subway you live off of.

Speaker 143 Let's just say I'm um Poquito Garbage Basura.

Speaker 14 The people of Puerto Rico were never called garbage.

Speaker 135 The island has a landfill problem.

Speaker 2 The landfills are filled.

Speaker 65 The joke stems from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Speaker 15 It is a misdirect joke.

Speaker 11 You're supposed to think I'm bringing up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Speaker 22 We love the garbage. We love the garbage.
Get it.

Speaker 6 We love the garbage, right?

Speaker 22 This guy just crawled out of the garbage can. He's voting for me so strong if he can wake up if he can wake up tomorrow wake this guy up right

Speaker 22 wake this guy up

Speaker 143 that's crazy sleepy little angel look at this guy

Speaker 57 sleepy little angel

Speaker 22 just like joe biden sleepy little angel

Speaker 99 Where did that evil left come from?

Speaker 34 All these things things he should have led with.

Speaker 60 Like, he should have led with the peak.

Speaker 54 He should have started with the Paquito Mouse or whatever the fuck he said.

Speaker 54 And then you should have laughed. The rest of the shit you shouldn't have done.

Speaker 101 I'm going to be honest with you.

Speaker 54 Because you're really funny, but you forgot because you didn't get any sleep. You thought, I've had a big day coming up tomorrow.

Speaker 5 Head up and get high.

Speaker 143 I've had a very long weekend.

Speaker 145 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 54 Beautiful son of a bitch.

Speaker 108 Can you do a Trump impression? I think that would kill if you could.

Speaker 53 Oh, yeah. Try it out.

Speaker 4 There's a lot going on in this country, folks.

Speaker 131 Oh, God.

Speaker 108 I would still vote for you over her, but

Speaker 3 he's winning them back.

Speaker 6 You look like a hotter version of Kamala, actually.

Speaker 5 Ah, thank you.

Speaker 6 You're slightly more retarded than her, but

Speaker 108 it's in the eyes or something.

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Can you do a can you just try, please, without any practice, a Kamala impression?

Speaker 143 Yo, I swear I'm black.

Speaker 9 Yeah, that's pretty good.

Speaker 145 I promise.

Speaker 60 You just rewrote your minute.

Speaker 33 That's fantastic. You're fucking hilarious.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 60 I've got to stop with the first part.

Speaker 143 I've only lived in Austin for seven months, but I've been, I've wanted to do comedy since I was a little kid.

Speaker 143 I did, I was an improv kid.

Speaker 143 That's my comedy background.

Speaker 31 Yeah, it's part of a shocking record.

Speaker 5 You went to school for that?

Speaker 103 UCB.

Speaker 106 Okay.

Speaker 143 Yeah, yeah, for many years. Yeah.

Speaker 127 Yes, and.

Speaker 143 Yes, and not a lot of pussy.

Speaker 57 Really?

Speaker 13 You seem like a good-looking guy.

Speaker 16 You seem like you have a good sense of humor.

Speaker 143 Yeah, I mean, I get flirted with a lot at my new job.

Speaker 65 What's your flirt like?

Speaker 85 Give us an example. Pretend like there's a woman.

Speaker 78 She hands you her ID. What do you say?

Speaker 143 How are you doing today? You look nice.

Speaker 143 My name's Angel,

Speaker 143 like in the sky.

Speaker 58 Nope.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 60 Deck with just going, trust me.

Speaker 109 I'm an honest guy.

Speaker 143 I just stay quiet if I see a pretty girl.

Speaker 131 Send the back to Puerto Rico.

Speaker 99 Puerto Rico.

Speaker 143 When I start doing this, it doesn't work.

Speaker 72 Wall of garbage around there.

Speaker 60 Can you skateboard?

Speaker 143 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 143 I'm a longboarder. I feel more natural.

Speaker 143 I've been living in Aspen for the last four years before I moved here.

Speaker 145 Wow.

Speaker 61 Oh, you're just frozen still a little bit.

Speaker 143 I got an anxiety disorder.

Speaker 127 I shiver a lot.

Speaker 143 Yeah, but no,

Speaker 143 I feel more natural on a snowboard than I do like walking on two feet.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 109 You don't have to talk to anybody.

Speaker 5 Just fucking. Yeah, it's awesome.

Speaker 145 Yeah.

Speaker 143 I just listen to music real loud, and then I just ignore everybody that tries to yell at me.

Speaker 31 You know, it's awesome.

Speaker 116 Do you get a big night's sleep before you do that?

Speaker 48 Nope. Never.

Speaker 72 Never.

Speaker 31 All right, just check it out. Yeah.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 110 Angel.

Speaker 85 What are some other, what are some things that you do for fun here in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 72 Oh, man.

Speaker 44 Snowboard years.

Speaker 143 I mean,

Speaker 143 there's so much I could say.

Speaker 26 Really, you could say any one of the things that are going through your head.

Speaker 143 Yeah, let's just say I've been skiing in other ways.

Speaker 80 Oh, look at you.

Speaker 143 My job provides good opportunities.

Speaker 16 Wow, so you're not always so sleepy.

Speaker 143 Yeah,

Speaker 143 I've been saying I wish that energy drinks actually provided you sleep other than energy. And I found

Speaker 143 the stimulant that actually provides you with something that helps you.

Speaker 81 I'm not considering you doing cocaine, Angel.

Speaker 143 Let's talk about that.

Speaker 143 I'm sorry.

Speaker 135 disorder is it's just a cocaine addiction okay

Speaker 143 and don't apologize to your mom about this I just saw your minute I take I take Prozac oh dude you take Prozac yeah yeah yeah you take Prozac and cocaine

Speaker 108 where does the energy go man

Speaker 143 I keep it inside you know

Speaker 143 that's why I shake a lot and sweat it's just a lot of energy going on internal combustion Yeah.

Speaker 63 You know?

Speaker 85 How long have you been on Prozac?

Speaker 143 I started smoking and drinking a lot when I first moved here, trying to

Speaker 143 fight the anxiety going on stage. And then I saw a psychiatrist.
I was like,

Speaker 143 sobriety helps my stage presence a little more than like drinking and smoking.

Speaker 31 And obviously I'm still struggling with that.

Speaker 71 Right.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 110 You said you're high.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 100 So how you went to the therapist, what, like five months ago, ballpark?

Speaker 143 Yeah, just about. about, yeah, that's pretty active.

Speaker 85 Seven months you said you went to a therapist.

Speaker 65 I'm just guessing, yeah.

Speaker 143 No, you got the train.

Speaker 70 I'm shocked like I'm a psychic or something like that.

Speaker 115 No, I'm not.

Speaker 143 I know how

Speaker 125 you've been on Prozac for about probably maybe four months.

Speaker 14 And how long have you been doing cocaine?

Speaker 36 Uh, about like

Speaker 133 about the same?

Speaker 143 First time is a long time ago. Sure, but I'm talking about regular consistently like

Speaker 133 just the past three, four weeks since okay, so it's a new problem.

Speaker 136 I love this.

Speaker 86 This is good.

Speaker 30 This interview is going well.

Speaker 145 It's a new solution.

Speaker 135 I don't know if it's a solution exactly.

Speaker 131 I'm not on it tonight, so that's all I got to say.

Speaker 120 This guy's out of control.

Speaker 3 Probably would have been a good night to do it.

Speaker 4 You tried cleaning your damn room in your fucking life.

Speaker 129 Even

Speaker 9 though.

Speaker 95 How about just being a model?

Speaker 133 You know,

Speaker 143 I remember people didn't think I was funny when I started doing comedy as a teenager because everybody would tell me, hey, you ever think about modeling?

Speaker 145 Like, that's a good career path for you.

Speaker 36 They would never be like, hey, that shit was funny. Like, you know?

Speaker 106 And here we are.

Speaker 48 Yeah, here we are today.

Speaker 73 So, like, when's the last last time you did cocaine?

Speaker 82 Was it last night?

Speaker 99 Maybe.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 127 Are you looking for cocaine?

Speaker 16 Don't you? No, no, no. I'm just curious.

Speaker 75 I'm curious what it's like for a guy like you.

Speaker 85 So you're working last night, right?

Speaker 131 Ah, maybe.

Speaker 70 Okay, enough with a maybe. So it's a yes?

Speaker 143 Actually, no. The days turn into nights real quick these days.

Speaker 48 Okay, so two.

Speaker 73 So

Speaker 87 when do you do the cocaine?

Speaker 100 Who do you do it with?

Speaker 64 Do you do it by yourself? Do you buy it?

Speaker 72 I got buddies.

Speaker 143 I'm friends with a lot of comics out here.

Speaker 120 Not the question I asked.

Speaker 155 When you do cocaine, do you do it by yourself sometimes?

Speaker 143 Tony, sometimes, yes.

Speaker 98 Okay.

Speaker 100 So, like the last time you did it.

Speaker 143 The last time I did it, I did a bump by myself in the bathroom at Shakespeare.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 53 So,

Speaker 115 all right.

Speaker 26 And that helps you get through the night.

Speaker 14 But then you drink.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 75 And you wake up and you're depressed.

Speaker 44 Yeah. And you take Prozac.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 100 And then wherever the day takes you from there, maybe you do more blow, have some more drinks, and then you take Prozac again.

Speaker 143 Riding the wave, baby.

Speaker 119 Have you talked about riding the wave, baby?

Speaker 48 Austin Power.

Speaker 85 Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit?

Speaker 107 A little bit.

Speaker 88 What do they say?

Speaker 143 They say, as long as you're not.

Speaker 143 My opinion is that I'm not abusing any drugs. Ever since I started taking Prozac, I've been using drugs for fun and not to cope.
And so,

Speaker 103 yeah, new excuses, Tony.

Speaker 99 I know.

Speaker 108 Are you sure you took the improv class?

Speaker 143 They taught me to be honest.

Speaker 143 That was one of the early rules.

Speaker 44 Angel, here's a little joke coming at you.

Speaker 45 Absolutely. There he goes.

Speaker 27 Angel Maldonado.

Speaker 53 Appreciate it.

Speaker 38 No, you know what I'm going do

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Speaker 35 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 158 There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Speaker 158 Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Speaker 158 Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Speaker 158 Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

Speaker 158 There's only one DC.

Speaker 158 Visit washington.org to plan your trip.

Speaker 20 Before we do that, I'm going to say that that set was so,

Speaker 144 so,

Speaker 43 so low energy, such a little amount of laughter, that I think I'm going to bring in a special utility player that we bring in only when somebody does really, really, really poorly and gets almost zero laughter.

Speaker 14 Energy drinks were brought up during that set with Angel Maldonado.

Speaker 20 This guy is what I think of.

Speaker 43 When I think of somebody failing, when I think of somebody doing energy drinks, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you a golden ticket winner with a brand new 60 seconds.

Speaker 11 This is True Nickens, everybody.

Speaker 141 Tony's not racist. Look what he did for me, and I'm a black comedian

Speaker 7 when he told that black joke, all I could think of was,

Speaker 80 I placed last in that watermelon carve competition.

Speaker 6 I lost to D Madness.

Speaker 141 Cam got disqualified

Speaker 7 because he spelled Halloween wrong, got mad, and shaked the watermelon 50 times.

Speaker 7 We all know Tony won the whole competition. Because you can't beat the gays at Arts and Crafts, am I right?

Speaker 7 But it was rigged.

Speaker 80 I only got safety scissors to carve my watermelon with.

Speaker 148 I didn't even get a real knife because it's dangerous.

Speaker 121 But the positive thing is, David Lucas had fruit for the first time

Speaker 123 and he loved it.

Speaker 148 He got all the watermelon it hurts.

Speaker 24 He looked like a diabetic Kool-Aid man.

Speaker 7 All right, thank y'all that's my time.

Speaker 113 You know, I forgot all about that fucking joke.

Speaker 99 I'm black, I didn't forget.

Speaker 130 All right, well, it's a cute little Halloween joke.

Speaker 79 Barack Obama didn't think it was cute, but

Speaker 132 that fucking guy.

Speaker 31 Yeah,

Speaker 75 it's a weird week when you could say Barack Obama criticized my

Speaker 19 joke.

Speaker 39 He said I made a joke about black people eating watermelons.

Speaker 132 That's not true.

Speaker 70 It was a joke about carving watermelons at an all-black Halloween party.

Speaker 68 The joke being, of course,

Speaker 108 the brothers, we didn't.

Speaker 59 I'm not going to do it, Obama. What am I?

Speaker 31 Can you do it, Obama?

Speaker 36 I can't really, but

Speaker 61 you kind of, you're like doing a Kramer impression if you said the N-word more.

Speaker 7 I'm not allowed to say the N-word and I'm black.

Speaker 127 His dad is black.

Speaker 7 Hell yeah, brother.

Speaker 57 It is absolutely

Speaker 48 black Hulk Hogan.

Speaker 54 I'm confused. So the other guy was on cocaine and you're not.

Speaker 154 No, I do energy drinks.

Speaker 108 He really does.

Speaker 26 How many energy drinks have you had today?

Speaker 48 Three. Wow.

Speaker 85 Which ones? Was it just Red Bulls?

Speaker 141 No, I did a rise, Rainbow Sherbert, slept on flavor.

Speaker 7 Can't find it anywhere. And then I shot another Red Bull in the bathroom because people judge me now and say, Drew, you're gonna kill yourself.

Speaker 141 I'm like,

Speaker 106 but then I had one down there.

Speaker 42 You sipped a Red Bull down there.

Speaker 106 Yeah, with the water.

Speaker 100 I love it. You mix some water.

Speaker 64 You cut it with some water.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Just like Tang. Cut it with some water, baby.

Speaker 148 Hey, hey, Tang is slept on, dog.

Speaker 114 You ever put Tang in a Red Bull?

Speaker 7 Fucking fantastic.

Speaker 131 It's a kick in a glass.

Speaker 148 And your ass.

Speaker 54 Have you ever had raw bread?

Speaker 96 Tell them, Tony.

Speaker 14 When you think of the raw bread, what do you picture?

Speaker 141 Dominoes.

Speaker 7 Pizza.

Speaker 7 I love their crazy bread. And so, like, I can only imagine if you don't cook it, it's still fucking delicious.

Speaker 129 Am I right, Tyler?

Speaker 31 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 27 True, what else is going on with you?

Speaker 7 So the last couple weeks, I've won two out of three poker tournaments that I played in.

Speaker 99 Pretty cool, right? Pretty good for a dumb guy.

Speaker 23 What's some of your tricks?

Speaker 152 Do you like pretend like you're dumber at the table and like fuck people up?

Speaker 78 You like play stupid?

Speaker 152 Like, oh, this is a good hand when you're bluffing.

Speaker 141 So what I do is I just be my natural self and they're like, God, he has special needs.

Speaker 82 We can't really take his money. Right.

Speaker 31 It works like a fucking charm.

Speaker 95 And then I get them all like bamboozled and they're like, wow, great story.

Speaker 141 Oh, and then I'm like, oh, bluff. Oh, I got the nuts.
I get them. It's, it's, and I can do it for like five to six hours.

Speaker 82 Comedies really help because I can have constant conversation, but still concentrate on what's my hand and I can distract them.

Speaker 58 I love that. They call him big blind.

Speaker 36 He doesn't see social cues.

Speaker 7 I'm not autistic.

Speaker 141 I'm just dumb, dog.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 54 You got autism, Chisholm, son.

Speaker 132 Love it.

Speaker 7 I got a brain injury, sir.

Speaker 107 Same thing.

Speaker 99 Okay.

Speaker 100 Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a full house up here.

Speaker 99 Oh, poker joke.

Speaker 62 Hell yeah.

Speaker 42 Drew, I absolutely love you.

Speaker 100 Thanks for popping in.

Speaker 26 You are the man. There goes Drew Nickens.

Speaker 28 On to the next one.

Speaker 26 Now we got a bucket pull, and then we'll do that.

Speaker 43 Your fourth bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Taylor Neely. Here we go.
Taylor Neely with with a new minute.

Speaker 43 Ladies, let me hear you say, Hey,

Speaker 19 fellas, let me hear you say, Oh,

Speaker 159 yeah,

Speaker 159 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 159 yeah.

Speaker 159 I can't hear hear you!

Speaker 19 Oh my god, dude, I don't know if you know this, but you're sitting in the kissing section.

Speaker 19 Yeah, I got to come down there and give you a kiss.

Speaker 19 No, you're not into it.

Speaker 19 No one's ever happy to be in the kissing section. Well, how do you think I feel? Now I got to go back there and tell them they're in the anal section.

Speaker 19 So pucker up, anal section.

Speaker 19 You can have that.

Speaker 19 Who do you guys think would win in a fight?

Speaker 19 New York City rat?

Speaker 107 Swallow that hole.

Speaker 19 Chew that entire glass hole right now. Who do you think? That's my time.
Thank you so much. I'm Taylor Neely.

Speaker 39 Taylor Neely, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 65 Did you do some of Angel Maldonado's cocaine back there?

Speaker 130 You seem like a wild boy.

Speaker 62 Me?

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 62 You're like, okay.

Speaker 41 Tyler Fisher, what do you think about your Adderall-infested younger brother here?

Speaker 101 I think I'm the only guy in town that looks like Jeff Foxworthy.

Speaker 108 Fuck McCully Culkin. All right, you better watch out.

Speaker 127 What?

Speaker 108 Pair, put this on.

Speaker 22 You'll look just like me.

Speaker 49 Here, check that out.

Speaker 5 Just tell people you're me. You'll make a ton of money.

Speaker 58 There he is. Yeah, you got a big head.

Speaker 101 A very tiny head.

Speaker 19 I have a huge ass head. My mom had to have a C-section, and my head was so big.

Speaker 66 Holy shit.

Speaker 95 Wow. I know.

Speaker 56 Okay, Taylor, this is your first time on the show, right?

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 85 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 19 Three and a half years. Where at? Atlanta.

Speaker 18 Atlanta, Georgia. You still live in Atlanta?

Speaker 19 No, I moved here in August. Okay.

Speaker 84 Well, welcome, welcome. Thank you.

Speaker 64 What do you love about Austin, Texas?

Speaker 19 I like the comedy scene a fuck ton. It's great.
It's awesome.

Speaker 19 I like the you know, it's more, it's just more free. Yeah, it's awesome.

Speaker 31 It really is. What do you do for work here?

Speaker 19 Handyman.

Speaker 119 You're a handyman? Yes.

Speaker 131 What, dollhouses?

Speaker 19 Hey, you shut the fuck up, dude. dude.

Speaker 80 Whoa.

Speaker 99 Uh-oh.

Speaker 26 We're about to have a flyweight fight of the century over here.

Speaker 19 I'll put you in the kissing section, bro.

Speaker 99 Wow.

Speaker 72 Taylor and Tyler, Tyler and Taylor.

Speaker 127 We'd be waiting in ounces, man, I think.

Speaker 44 Wow, this is crazy to see.

Speaker 127 That is what I look like, though. Fuck.
Yeah.

Speaker 82 Looks very interesting.

Speaker 19 Do you like what you see?

Speaker 57 I kind of do, actually. I'm in hard, man.

Speaker 110 This is incredible.

Speaker 48 Wow.

Speaker 58 Do you also put your height on Tinder as millimeters?

Speaker 19 No, it does say 5'8 on my driver's license, but it's secretly, not so secretly, as 5'7 and 3-4, but...

Speaker 19 Legally, 5'8.

Speaker 19 There you go. Yeah, bomb, that sucks.
Shit. Fuck.

Speaker 65 The fuck is D Madness going right now? Is somebody going to help this fucking guy?

Speaker 104 There's nothing but stairways on the other end of that curtain, by the way.

Speaker 27 I've never seen D walk off on his own before.

Speaker 105 You just walked a blind guy. Holy shit.

Speaker 72 So, what did you say your height was?

Speaker 19 5'8. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 6 No way.

Speaker 24 Does anyone believe in you?

Speaker 133 5'4 ⁇ .

Speaker 29 Tyler, why don't you, Tyler, take this, Tyler?

Speaker 155 Ass to ass.

Speaker 127 That looks about right.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 106 Hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 26 I don't think we need the tape measure. I kind of believe you at 5'8.

Speaker 78 I'll believe 5'8.

Speaker 119 Yeah, he's 5'8. Fuck.

Speaker 98 So small.

Speaker 79 Ian, what do you think about this young buck?

Speaker 54 I think he's fantastic. Great energy.
He's growing a mustache. He's 12.

Speaker 54 He's got a giant head. Looks like this fella over here.

Speaker 116 Everybody's all excited. He's got tattoos.

Speaker 73 He will fix things in your house.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 88 What do you specialize in as a handyman?

Speaker 19 Oh, I'm transitioning to mounting just TVs. Hey, hey, what the fuck?

Speaker 19 Hey, you also shut the fuck up.

Speaker 19 I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.

Speaker 48 I really didn't mean that.

Speaker 19 Transitioning to just mounting TVs.

Speaker 65 Just mounting TVs.

Speaker 54 And high heels.

Speaker 19 It's better money.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 95 What from?

Speaker 31 What were you doing before?

Speaker 19 I finished a big painting job today, and I mow lawns and put furniture. Task Rabbit.

Speaker 84 A lot of Mexican. Okay.
So you're a Mexican.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 60 And you just started transitioning today?

Speaker 107 No,

Speaker 19 when I moved here, I just found the job on ZipRecruiter.

Speaker 72 Shout out.

Speaker 100 We absolutely love ZipRecruiter.

Speaker 57 No doubt about it.

Speaker 36 Oh, the smartest way to hire.

Speaker 39 What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor?

Speaker 31 What's your nightlife?

Speaker 19 Well, I'm sober because I used to smoke a lot of crack cocaine and I don't do that anymore.

Speaker 53 There it is. Wow.

Speaker 19 Yeah, that last guy doesn't have fucking shit on me.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 19 Grow up and smoke crack like an adult.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 13 How did you end up smoking crack?

Speaker 98 Well, oh,

Speaker 19 you see Wolf of Wall Street?

Speaker 48 What? Wolf of Wall Street.

Speaker 19 I really loved cocaine in college. And then when I was drunk, I saw Wolf of Wall Street.
And when they smoked crack and Wolf of Wall Street drunk me was like, that looks like a fuckload of fun.

Speaker 19 And then I went home from college.

Speaker 19 I'm from Columbus, Ohio. And I went to Ohio State.
Go Buckeyes. And I went to,

Speaker 19 I came out of a blackout, and I asked this guy if he knew where to get crack. And then the.

Speaker 16 You tried crack for the first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio?

Speaker 127 Yes, a homeless guy.

Speaker 13 So you smoked it, a homeless guy. You smoke crack.

Speaker 64 What happens?

Speaker 50 Take us through the process, please.

Speaker 19 The first time I smoked crack, so it's like a young homeless black man. He seemed like my age.
And I'm like, do you know where to get crack?

Speaker 19 He takes me to like the bad part of High Street, which is like

Speaker 19 yeah. And then he takes me to a tall, lanky black guy, and I give him money, and he could have walked away with the money, but crackheads are very honorable.
And he comes back

Speaker 48 with.

Speaker 19 He comes back with the crack, and we smoke it.

Speaker 19 And then like somehow I get a gaggle of like homeless guys, and we're walking down the street, and we go into a, I go into a convenience store because I want some water because Coke and crack makes you very thirsty.

Speaker 19 And I like, they start asking me for money and shit and I don't want to deal with this.

Speaker 19 So I'm walking out of the gas station and there's another guy walk into his car and then like, oh, yo, pretend I'm with you.

Speaker 19 And I get in their car and we speed off and then I, these guys are like, yo, what'd you get into tonight? And I'm like, well, I smoked crack for the first time.

Speaker 19 And then they're like, well, you want to smoke some more?

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 123 we smoke more.

Speaker 122 Okay, okay.

Speaker 106 So then what happened?

Speaker 19 He dropped me back off at my friend's fraternity house at 6 a.m.

Speaker 136 5th Street, 6th Street.

Speaker 79 Did you love it?

Speaker 19 Drunk Me loves it.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 19 Sober Me,

Speaker 141 it's bad.

Speaker 19 It's bad at the end. It's fun for the first 30 minutes, and then it's...

Speaker 91 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 75 How soon after that did you want to do it again?

Speaker 19 Every time I got drunk until I got it under control this time, yeah.

Speaker 88 So you kept like, and you would drink almost every night?

Speaker 19 No, it was more like I'm like a binger. Like I'll relapse and then I'll binge for like a week.
And I went to the psych ward recently and that was bad. I was being too naughty.

Speaker 70 Yeah, it sounds like it. What do you guys think?

Speaker 1 Are you sending comedians from a homeless shelter across the street?

Speaker 22 Shipping them across 6th Street?

Speaker 54 Now, do people know you're a handyman when you're working?

Speaker 54 Or are you a crackhead that's breaking into the house?

Speaker 19 Okay, I am the guy on the corner with the windshield wiper just trying to wash people's windshields.

Speaker 120 That's not what I said.

Speaker 88 There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy breaking into your house.

Speaker 100 Can I mount your TV?

Speaker 24 But transitional.

Speaker 36 He's an honorable crackhead.

Speaker 58 That old saying.

Speaker 54 He'll drop you off at 6 a.m.

Speaker 54 after he's mounted your TV.

Speaker 31 Stole your copper.

Speaker 70 Well, Taylor, fun times.

Speaker 30 Decent set.

Speaker 64 A lot of that was trying to get the crowd to fucking fucking repeat after you shit.

Speaker 40 So you're leaving here with a little joke book.

Speaker 14 Come back again.

Speaker 27 Keep signing up.

Speaker 26 Maybe you'll get a big one.

Speaker 20 There goes Taylor Neely, everybody.

Speaker 40 We've come to that time of the show where it is indeed time for one of your most elite regulars of all time.

Speaker 29 This young man is selling out all over the country.

Speaker 108 Technically all over the world.

Speaker 26 Anytime he announces a date, it sells out.

Speaker 27 He's a monster.

Speaker 52 You get to see a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson everybody

Speaker 8 hey y'all people take politics too serious nigga real shit I know it's been a thing tonight but really people take politics way too serious I don't even know how to spell politics I don't really care about it too much It don't really bother me at all.

Speaker 103 It's funny because I believe in like three degrees of separation.

Speaker 19 And I talk to Joe Rogan all the the time and that blows my mind dog he just talked to Donald Trump for three hours and I just talked to crackheads on the street you understand what I'm saying

Speaker 8 those crackheads have no idea they two phone calls away from Donald Trump

Speaker 7 they have no idea

Speaker 7 let me get a dollar

Speaker 131 I got something better for you nigga just wait on it

Speaker 8 I raced one a couple days ago. That was cool.
That was funny shit. He was slow as hell.

Speaker 4 And I beat him.

Speaker 8 After I beat him, he was like, I told him, I said, if you beat me, I'll give you $20 if you beat me, right?

Speaker 107 He was like, oh, I got you. I could beat you.

Speaker 72 I promise you I could beat you.

Speaker 8 And then we raced.

Speaker 114 And then I won.

Speaker 4 He was like, hey, we just split the pot.

Speaker 148 Fuck it.

Speaker 107 Just split it in half.

Speaker 114 Give me half the money, please.

Speaker 87 That's my time.

Speaker 43 Unbelievable.

Speaker 146 That's how it's done.

Speaker 134 A brand new minute.

Speaker 27 From the man himself.

Speaker 8 Come on, nigga. We outside, man.

Speaker 106 We are.

Speaker 33 We outside.

Speaker 8 Come on, bro it's unbelievable this shit crazy man we are in it hell yeah no doubt about lady called me a bigot the other day really yeah and i like i don't know what the fuck that means bitch be smarter dumbass stupid bitch use better words stupid

Speaker 91 what did you do to make her call you a bigot what did you do to make her call you a bigot

Speaker 8 I've been fighting for you all week. You have no idea.
Been fighting hard as shit.

Speaker 2 Fighting hard as fuck.

Speaker 7 Now, that motherfucking brother leave me alone, pussy.

Speaker 48 It's been fucking crazy.

Speaker 108 Don't fight. Rope a dope.

Speaker 2 Just let them wear themselves out.

Speaker 22 The crackheads love me.

Speaker 4 They love me.

Speaker 61 trump what do you think about cam patterson i love the african americans

Speaker 108 hello trump acts like he saved black people before i was president black people they couldn't even walk

Speaker 7 they couldn't speak english cam barely can but he's doing great i speak great english my name is phenomenal yeah he's like joe biden bumbling bumbling

Speaker 78 so funny bro so it's been a wild week for you huh Cam?

Speaker 107 Yeah, it's been up and down.

Speaker 8 My brother loved that shit, though. My brother enjoyed it.
Nice. Brother enjoyed it.
Hell yeah. He's a mailman, so that's cool.

Speaker 107 Hell yeah. He's a real mailman?

Speaker 127 Swear to God.

Speaker 8 The funny thing is, I'm doing this.

Speaker 61 My life is going great.

Speaker 114 And my brother's a real madman, and he's still my dad's favorite.

Speaker 115 Wow.

Speaker 114 Is he the youngest?

Speaker 91 Oldest.

Speaker 103 Okay. No, he's the second oldest.

Speaker 48 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 72 How many brothers do you have? I got one brother.

Speaker 97 Well, wait.

Speaker 148 I talked about it.

Speaker 141 I got one blood, brother.

Speaker 72 That's your know-of-yeah.

Speaker 4 I got.

Speaker 23 That's an astray.

Speaker 148 I got one blood.

Speaker 87 I got a lot of brothers I follow with, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 8 Like, niggas I know from the streets and shit, but like, I got one blood, brother.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 15 Gang shit.

Speaker 106 Yeah, yeah, I love him.

Speaker 8 Indeed. He the best, man.

Speaker 22 He's just been doing his Kamala impression this whole time, man.

Speaker 5 She.

Speaker 106 That's good.

Speaker 31 It's good.

Speaker 31 So, how many brothers do you have?

Speaker 107 Got one brother.

Speaker 87 Okay,

Speaker 8 and then I got a couple homeboys that we did some shit together, so they're my brothers also.

Speaker 48 What the fuck, that means

Speaker 8 you're confusing me right now.

Speaker 3 You confuse me?

Speaker 103 We're confusing each other. I love it.

Speaker 145 That great shit. Yeah, this is good.

Speaker 5 Is the mailman places?

Speaker 16 Is the mailman your blood brother?

Speaker 101 Yes.

Speaker 79 But he's not the oldest.

Speaker 152 You count the oldest as one of your assistants?

Speaker 107 Oh, no,

Speaker 72 that's my sister.

Speaker 8 The oldest sibling is my sister.

Speaker 66 Oh, okay.

Speaker 121 I got a sister.

Speaker 145 Now I can count. I got three sisters.

Speaker 107 I got three sisters and one brother.

Speaker 79 Do you think he's a male man because he has all these packages in his car?

Speaker 31 Like,

Speaker 49 what the fuck that means?

Speaker 40 Red Band's back.

Speaker 7 He was on fire for two weeks. Then what the fuck happened? That was terrible.

Speaker 40 Back to normal. He snapped.

Speaker 105 That was over.

Speaker 16 Cam, were you on the road this week at all?

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Where were you at?

Speaker 143 I was in Sacramento.

Speaker 57 Okay, Sacramento. She was cool, bro.

Speaker 48 Shoot.

Speaker 109 She was in Punchline?

Speaker 106 Great club. I like that.

Speaker 103 It was a guy in the crowd. I was like a swole dude, a real swole guy.

Speaker 72 And I asked him, I said, what do you do?

Speaker 36 He's like, I'm an entrepreneur.

Speaker 8 I'm like, okay, yeah.

Speaker 8 But

Speaker 103 what are you entrepreneur in?

Speaker 8 And then he was like, I'm a security.

Speaker 114 He just made it more vague than anything, right?

Speaker 8 And then kind of find out, he like a security guard. And he came to meet and greet, gave me a Gucci jacket.

Speaker 82 That was pretty cool.

Speaker 8 It was too big, so I gave it to my sister because she's big as hell, right?

Speaker 102 I am your sister.

Speaker 103 Yes, she knows she your size, nigga.

Speaker 49 She's big as she's beautiful.

Speaker 87 I gave it to my

Speaker 54 she should be a male man,

Speaker 8 so I gave it to her, and then we went. Then he took it to the Gucci store the next day and bought me like some slides.
He bought Jolly a jacket, it was crazy.

Speaker 117 Real Gucci stuff?

Speaker 145 Yeah, he closed it down for us.

Speaker 8 I don't know what he might be the president. I don't know what it is.
Damn.

Speaker 66 No, he fucking you robbed a Gucci store.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 136 If it was closed.

Speaker 13 If it was closed when he went in there, I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 129 No, no, no.

Speaker 87 He said he closed down for us. I was like, that's cool.
We asked that.

Speaker 106 No, no.

Speaker 48 You've never been in a riot?

Speaker 159 No.

Speaker 102 That's exactly what you were involved in.

Speaker 4 They was giving us champagne and shit.

Speaker 19 Yes, you robbed it.

Speaker 8 Yeah, we robbed it. Fuck it.
We robbed it.

Speaker 149 We stole that shit.

Speaker 77 Amazing.

Speaker 31 So you have Gucci slides now.

Speaker 107 I've been had Gucci slides. I've had a bunch of Gucci slides.

Speaker 31 Nigga, I got, I mean, you help me get a lot of money. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 87 Life is all right.

Speaker 114 Life ain't bad right now. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 11 This is awesome.

Speaker 120 I got a bracelet and shit.

Speaker 48 I have a bracelet.

Speaker 148 No way.

Speaker 8 Hell yeah.

Speaker 4 You got a bracelet?

Speaker 3 You're spending your money.

Speaker 7 I got a bracelet, nigga.

Speaker 6 I'm wearing a woman's watch.

Speaker 24 You got a woman's watch.

Speaker 99 Look at that.

Speaker 29 Look at that cute little tiny watch.

Speaker 107 That's a little baby bad watch.

Speaker 46 That is the tiniest watch I've ever seen.

Speaker 5 My wrist looks bigger.

Speaker 115 I got a whole thing to make me look bigger.

Speaker 127 Reggie, where did you get?

Speaker 135 Is that from where is that?

Speaker 11 Stuart Little's

Speaker 55 Where did you get watch?

Speaker 114 I found it in the garbage, Puerto Rico.

Speaker 131 Oh, my, come on.

Speaker 10 I make fun of your watch. You just got to bring that up.

Speaker 114 You say words like that.

Speaker 103 Nigga, I'm dangerous words right now, brother.

Speaker 93 I like it. I need it.

Speaker 118 Oh, my. Oh, my God.

Speaker 127 I'm on the no-fly list.

Speaker 58 I'm fucking.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 31 What happened with Delta?

Speaker 64 Let's take a moment to talk about this.

Speaker 99 We should talk about it.

Speaker 53 Yeah, let's talk about it.

Speaker 50 I want Cam's input on this.

Speaker 107 I'm glad to be here for this. Yeah.

Speaker 17 He has a whole lot of...

Speaker 149 He has a lot of brothers and cousins that work at Delta, I'm sure.

Speaker 50 You know, security Atlanta-based company.

Speaker 59 They were all riding in the overhead luggage, actually. They came out right up.

Speaker 108 Oh, so

Speaker 108 I tweeted a photo.

Speaker 8 They're not going to let me come back to cookout after this shit, man.

Speaker 143 They're going to ban me from this shit.

Speaker 109 Prepare to be called a bigot, I guess.

Speaker 66 Tyler Fisher's Delta story.

Speaker 58 My Delta story.

Speaker 61 I took a picture of a pride pin, and I just tweeted out, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy?

Speaker 36 Does it help the plane fly?

Speaker 76 Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 99 Hold on.

Speaker 87 You took a picture of a pride pin connected to what?

Speaker 61 A flight attendant.

Speaker 117 Right. That's an important part of the story.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 149 You just said you took a picture of a pride pin.

Speaker 85 So a flight attendant's wearing a pride pin, and you said, what?

Speaker 61 I said, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy?

Speaker 58 Does it help the plane fly? Does it?

Speaker 3 I got banned for life for that shit?

Speaker 10 For life? Yeah.

Speaker 154 Damn. For life.

Speaker 9 Forever? Forever?

Speaker 154 Damn. I'm fucked up.

Speaker 99 Forever. Forever.

Speaker 4 I got trains now.

Speaker 22 I got to take choo-choo trains to my shows.

Speaker 87 What about like other, what about like other airplanes?

Speaker 4 It's the biggest airline in the world.

Speaker 131 I mean, you can get on other airplanes, though.

Speaker 5 I will suck a pilot's dick to get back out of line.

Speaker 7 Hey, hey, hey, hey, you don't have to do that.

Speaker 148 There's other airlines.

Speaker 24 There's different airlines.

Speaker 103 You can just get on other airlines.

Speaker 54 Stick with the train.

Speaker 8 That's like when Texas banned porn.

Speaker 114 They just banned porn hub.

Speaker 103 That was it. All the other ones are still open.

Speaker 73 It's true.

Speaker 6 But go on a different airline.

Speaker 49 You fine.

Speaker 24 They're going to sue me, though.

Speaker 107 They're suing me.

Speaker 103 I'll be thinking this shit. I'm a fucking G.

Speaker 6 They're going to sue me. Yeah.

Speaker 31 For your little watch.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 108 Yeah. Take all I got.
This is it.

Speaker 18 So what airline have you been using since?

Speaker 60 Oh, I took Frontier. I flew in this morning.

Speaker 99 Oh, look at me.

Speaker 97 Oh,

Speaker 126 you can look, buddy. Oh, my God.

Speaker 99 You don't have to do that.

Speaker 22 Well, I did.

Speaker 22 That was all that was available to me.

Speaker 109 I came back from, I don't even remember where I was.

Speaker 61 It was so early.

Speaker 54 Seven connections from Dallas.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 52 It's a bumpy landing on the bottom.

Speaker 22 They didn't even go up to a gate.

Speaker 131 They parked in the middle of the run

Speaker 93 and just threw the fucking ramp down.

Speaker 57 We have spirit soon.

Speaker 4 Yeah, boycott Delta, by the way.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 119 Yeah. Right, there you go.
Yeah.

Speaker 60 How about you let the gays be gay on the podcast?

Speaker 108 I'm raised by gay men.

Speaker 59 I love gay men.

Speaker 127 It's not about gay.

Speaker 79 You were raised by gay men?

Speaker 131 Yes. What's going on here, man?

Speaker 115 I didn't know this.

Speaker 57 What's going on here?

Speaker 131 What's going on here? What's going on here?

Speaker 5 What going on?

Speaker 61 Not when I was seven.

Speaker 5 He came out as racist, but then four years later, he started fucking dudes.

Speaker 106 Damn. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 121 Look at me, obviously.

Speaker 43 Yeah, I had no idea that the Keebler elves were gay.

Speaker 115 Wow.

Speaker 48 Delta.

Speaker 63 Yeah, Delta.

Speaker 91 I mean, isn't that interesting that, like,

Speaker 31 like, I mean... We both had a rough week, huh?

Speaker 57 I don't know why you have to keep bringing my shit up here.

Speaker 22 I'd rather have yours, because you could still fly Delta, right?

Speaker 87 Not to Puerto Rico, but.

Speaker 121 I'd much rather have yours, dude.

Speaker 5 I will trade.

Speaker 24 I'll start smoking.

Speaker 99 I'll do whatever I gotta do.

Speaker 34 You lost all your airports.

Speaker 54 You only lost one.

Speaker 96 Oh my God.

Speaker 125 Cam,

Speaker 39 literally the best minute of the night so far.

Speaker 20 You did it again.

Speaker 26 He has to do it every week.

Speaker 43 Not easy.

Speaker 43 Not an easy gig at all.

Speaker 50 How loud can this place skip for the great Cam Patterson?

Speaker 140 Chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more, can make me feel like a spectator in my own life.

Speaker 162 Botox, onobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those with 14 or fewer headache days a month.

Speaker 162 It's the number one prescribed branded chronic migraine preventive treatment.

Speaker 163 Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Speaker 163 Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Speaker 163 Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection side pain, fatigue, and headache.

Speaker 163 Allergic reactions can include rash welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Speaker 163 Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Speaker 140 Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit BotoxchronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more.

Speaker 164 Honey bunches of votes is the perfect empendane elia conto family. Conojuelas crucientes and verdad qual niños les encantademas delicios os trosos de granola nuces y fruta n que todos vanadis brutad.

Speaker 164 Honey panchos devotes para todos. Toka albener para sabermás.

Speaker 122 All right, back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 23 Jesus, I just broke a name.

Speaker 50 That's a burst. Look at that.

Speaker 5 Brute strength.

Speaker 43 Make some noise for Leslie Childs, everybody. Leslie Childs is next.

Speaker 144 How's it going, everybody? My name is Leslie Chiles. I'll just tell you a little little bit about myself.

Speaker 15 I'm a single father.

Speaker 144 Been raising my son by myself now for 11 years. Now that's a long ass time to be doing something by yourself, right?

Speaker 144 So you're probably wondering the same thing everybody keeps asking me, where the mom at? And that's a fair question.

Speaker 144 And I love telling people the honest God truth because there's nothing fucking fun here.

Speaker 73 See, when my son was two weeks old, my baby mama, that bitch took off with a midget.

Speaker 144 That's not a punchline.

Speaker 144 This bitch actually took off with a midget and to this day I don't know what pisses me off more the fact that she took off with a midget or the fact that the midget was wearing cargo shorts you ever seen the emo midget wearing cargo shorts that shit will hurt your pride as a man I didn't know whether to laugh or cry honestly he looked like he was coming down to his shortcomings though for real but look on some serious shit though my son he's 11 years old knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of pie not to pat myself on the shoulder but i don't think i did too bad for a guy who fell the retarded class every year right

Speaker 144 And look, this bitch had the nerves to call me back up after about a week talking about the midgets throwing beer cans at her and fucking hitting her with cans and shit.

Speaker 144 I was like, bitch, that sounds like a short relationship. Y'all, that's been my time.

Speaker 120 Y'all have a blessed night.

Speaker 147 Wow.

Speaker 68 Well, jokes on her.

Speaker 118 The guy she left with can't fly Delta anymore.

Speaker 5 Sarah, fucking her ex-wife.

Speaker 86 Welcome to the show, Leslie. Help me.

Speaker 104 Appreciate it.

Speaker 77 Everywhere is roomy for you.

Speaker 5 You got to stand up on the seat to adjust your air vent.

Speaker 127 I hide in the bathroom.

Speaker 36 I just sleep under the sink.

Speaker 13 So, Leslie, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 144 I have been trying to get on this show for almost four and a half years.

Speaker 135 You've been trying to get on this show for almost four years.

Speaker 144 Almost four years, yeah.

Speaker 150 When you say that, you mean you've been signing up off and on?

Speaker 144 Dude, the shit I've been through just to try and get on this show will blow your mind, dude.

Speaker 85 Name some of the things that you've been through.

Speaker 144 All right, so I've drove from South Carolina, where I'm from, to here multiple times. My first time was for the HEB Arena show.
All this is on YouTube.

Speaker 144 I took and traveled from there with no gas, no food, no money, told jokes the entire time just to get by at gas stations and shit. My car broke down five times in every fucking state.

Speaker 144 There was a person coming here to see the show on HEB with a ticket helping me to get my car fixed. And again, it's all on YouTube.

Speaker 82 Shit that comes out of my mouth will blow your mind, but just take in mind, everything I'm telling you, including my joke, is 100% true.

Speaker 57 I believe you.

Speaker 127 A mentor was an upgrade. I'm going to just.

Speaker 119 Dude, my life is wild, dude.

Speaker 144 You have no idea.

Speaker 75 So you're in South Carolina.

Speaker 79 That's where you live.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Your car broke five times on the way to the HEV Center.

Speaker 81 Have you tried to sign up for here multiple times?

Speaker 144 Yeah, dude. You know, everybody's seen that red car sitting underneath the bridge, dude.
That's my car. It's been here since the car.

Speaker 23 Well, not everybody has seen a red car underneath the bridge. Let's just take it one step at a time here, Leslie.

Speaker 155 So, how many times do you think you've driven from South Carolina to Austin, Texas, to sign up for this show?

Speaker 64 Just give me a ball.

Speaker 144 Probably about five times. I also drove from South Carolina to the LA one.
Again, no gas, no food, no money.

Speaker 88 Oh my God, are you also on a no-fly list?

Speaker 144 I'm on a lot of different lists, but not that one.

Speaker 104 A lot of different lists.

Speaker 60 And no touch list. Wow.

Speaker 160 Okay, Leslie.

Speaker 78 Well, congratulations.

Speaker 90 You're here. You finally did it.

Speaker 84 All the hours on the road.

Speaker 31 That's amazing.

Speaker 144 You wouldn't believe all the people that told me I wouldn't get here, dude. That was a waste of time.
That you're retarded. You're never going to make it.

Speaker 144 Like, I did fail the retarded class, but I made it.

Speaker 64 Fuck fuck them i love it i love it leslie you didn't give up yes here you are

Speaker 144 here you are what do you do for work leslie uh i'm fully disabled see i'm legally classified as this is usually where i lose people so sorry but uh

Speaker 144 it's okay you're like the fourth retarded guy on the show tonight i'm legally classified as suicidal homicidal bipolar choha motor depressed slight schizophrenia ocd odd adhd and slot night terrorists i got more issues and more coverage than at t

Speaker 23 And by how fast you said that, you're also autistic.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 100 Incredible.

Speaker 144 Tony, I've been telling everybody for a long time, I'm your wet dream, dude. Like, the story.

Speaker 144 I see how surprised and amazed this man gets when he hears a true story. But the problem has been that every single time you hear these crazy true stories, they only got like one or two of them, dude.

Speaker 82 I got a fucking list of them.

Speaker 48 Oh, and I ain't got fucking true.

Speaker 67 Every single one of them.

Speaker 68 Thank God that was a list.

Speaker 49 He pulled that out.

Speaker 54 I was like, oh, fuck, he's Puerto Rican as well.

Speaker 133 The security guard back there, he had to pat me down.

Speaker 115 He's like,

Speaker 144 the security guard had to pat me down. He's like, you got any knives? I was like, dude, I ain't even allowed sharp objects.

Speaker 56 So let's cover some of this scroll.

Speaker 11 Let's fucking do it.

Speaker 120 How many of you want to hear this scroll?

Speaker 24 Hi, Eve. Thank you.

Speaker 136 Mike, your fifth Bob.

Speaker 104 All right, now bear with me. Hear me.

Speaker 72 Yeah, fuck. Hear me.

Speaker 22 Harry Todd speaks. Everyone, quiet down.

Speaker 136 Now, y'all, seriously, bear with me, dude.

Speaker 144 It's literally my handwriting. I did fail the fucking ref.
You know how you failed the retarded class?

Speaker 31 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 160 What? Go ahead.

Speaker 144 Are you fucking, you're there until you're 21 and they kick you the fuck out? Okay.

Speaker 144 All right. All right, so number one, my baby mama took off with a midget.
Again, all this shit is true. Number two, I ran away with a girl from the nuthouse.

Speaker 144 Number three, I married a girl out of spite to piss off my father. Now, funny thing about this, somebody told me I spelled spite wrong and spelled spit.
S-P-I-T.

Speaker 73 So.

Speaker 55 Oh, well.

Speaker 144 Number three, I married.

Speaker 118 Oh, no, I already did that one. Fuck.

Speaker 144 All right, number four, I was kicked out of a woman's house for beating my meat for four days straight.

Speaker 66 Let's back it up a second.

Speaker 23 When you say that you married a girl out of spite in order to piss your dad off, you ready for this?

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 144 All right, so

Speaker 144 I hate my father, dude. I like me and him always go at it.
He fell out of a tree last year, and I was like, fuck it.

Speaker 71 But

Speaker 22 make this your set.

Speaker 108 This is hilarious, man.

Speaker 9 Dude, I got to say, all these are true.

Speaker 144 All right, so I was writing, I was, you know, how a steam mirror, and when you steam in the bathroom and you can write shit on the mirror and shit?

Speaker 144 I was drawing pentagrams and shit, you know, just so they would pop out and go, I don't know the devil.

Speaker 144 And I, and so I was like, I want to, I love seeing people's reaction and mainly fucking with people. And so he did what I like to call church hopping.

Speaker 144 He went and found this Christian girl to come talk to me to me about our Lord Jesus Savior. And so that night I took her to the park and I fucked her.

Speaker 144 And like literally everything was going good for about three months. And then one night she looks at me and goes, I'm going to go to the store and get some milk.

Speaker 31 And I was like, cool.

Speaker 144 Well, two weeks later, we found her in a psychiatric work the next day over, sweating up and down.

Speaker 31 This is a lot right here.

Speaker 144 I had to Google most of this.

Speaker 104 Apparently, the.

Speaker 144 Apparently,

Speaker 144 and she was swearing up and down that Hepachi helicopters were landing in my father's backyard talking to her about the Masons, who apparently were after her because she knew that they killed her mother in some organization called the Red Coat was at our wedding.

Speaker 144 When we didn't even have a fucking wedding, we eloped. We didn't didn't even have rings.
Tony, do you know what the fuck they give you when you ain't got rings?

Speaker 84 No.

Speaker 144 Pipe cleaners. Mine was blue.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 70 All right. What's next on your list?

Speaker 31 All right, what was we?

Speaker 144 That was only number four, dude. Damn, you didn't make it far.

Speaker 71 We got 50 on here.

Speaker 144 I fell asleep in one school and woke up at another school. I walked over a hundred miles just to get away from my family.

Speaker 144 The best way I can describe myself, dude, is like the actual forest gum, like for real.

Speaker 131 That's funny.

Speaker 144 I stole, I stole my mom's car when I was 12. I actually did that a few times.

Speaker 144 You ever been in a situation where you did some shit as a kid and then you grow up wishing that maybe they would have caught you just so you can brag about it?

Speaker 63 And then you have to tell them

Speaker 144 I do all the time.

Speaker 85 Let's go to number six.

Speaker 107 Glad you had a normal fucking life.

Speaker 61 I was running a pedo ring.

Speaker 144 I just felt like running.

Speaker 61 Jenny was six at the time.

Speaker 127 All right. She liked crack cocaine too.

Speaker 127 Crack cocaine, regular cocaine.

Speaker 144 That exact line.

Speaker 144 I told somebody that exact line in DJJ, her father didn't think it was very funny, though.

Speaker 39 Keep going.

Speaker 85 What's next?

Speaker 90 Like the old Letterman top 10.

Speaker 15 This one just...

Speaker 144 Number eight, this one just happened last year. I was shot several times with a pepperball gun infused with tear gas.
That was by my aunt. Fuck you, Tina.

Speaker 48 Anyway.

Speaker 27 Keep going.

Speaker 134 Number nine.

Speaker 118 All right, no. All right.

Speaker 127 Fuck you, Tina.

Speaker 144 Ooh, last year my father stole $30,000 from me. Fuck you again for that.

Speaker 30 How did you have $30,000?

Speaker 26 How did you make $30,000?

Speaker 144 All right, so again, all right, so I've been intuitionalized since I was five years old. All right.

Speaker 144 In and out for a long time, for six plus years until I was 18 and could say I'm no longer going back. Literally, just so these motherfuckers can go, okay, he's not in the picture.

Speaker 144 We got a family perfect thing. And when he gets out, we get paid.
So that's been pretty much my entire life what was the question

Speaker 6 you tina yeah

Speaker 144 how did you get thirty thousand dollars you salute so all right no so um i took and i i decided that i was going to try and uh pursue comedy through uh welding right and of course it took a lot

Speaker 131 as you do right a lot of people go to la a lot of people new york a lot of people just start welding well i'm a single father so i had to figure out how to do this and do that at the same time and so i was going to do travel welding and get paid for it.

Speaker 119 Travel welding welding. Yeah.

Speaker 120 Interesting.

Speaker 144 And so anyway, for like four or five years, I wasn't accepting my disability because I thought that if you made too much money, then you're off disability. Apparently, that's not the case.

Speaker 144 And they owed me money. And me and my father, we got the same first, middle, and last name.
And so he was like, ooh, I'll take advantage of this situation.

Speaker 120 And so I ended up in a car.

Speaker 63 How you doing?

Speaker 120 You've been staring at me pretty hard.

Speaker 119 Oh, nope.

Speaker 144 I'm not going to hurt anyone, I swear.

Speaker 79 It's a psychotic episode you're having.

Speaker 113 Person's just watching you.

Speaker 27 You're on stage right now.

Speaker 39 Everyone's watching you.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 39 What's next on the list?

Speaker 71 All right, but

Speaker 144 I've been a single father for 11 years.

Speaker 144 I've been on more medication than any child should ever have to take.

Speaker 84 Let me stop you for a second. Let's talk about this 11-year-old.

Speaker 96 Where are they right now?

Speaker 144 Right now, he's in a car with a

Speaker 80 red car under the bridge.

Speaker 57 Don't worry.

Speaker 144 The windows are up. He's not going to drown.

Speaker 115 Hold on. It's raining right now.

Speaker 53 Hold on. Hold on.

Speaker 147 What?

Speaker 120 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 144 So we live in my car. Me, my camera guy, and my son.

Speaker 84 My camera.

Speaker 72 Wait, what?

Speaker 41 You have a fucking camera guy?

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 57 This is fucking awesome.

Speaker 33 Wait, what?

Speaker 48 Yeah, we're all going to.

Speaker 42 What?

Speaker 93 You pay a camera guy?

Speaker 87 No, he was like getting kicked out of his place.

Speaker 144 And I was like, look, dude, I've been coming back and forth here for four years trying to figure out best ways to live out of my car because I lost everything to COVID, dude.

Speaker 144 I lost my job, my house, my truck. And so I said, fuck it.
If I'm going to struggle, then I'm going to choose my struggle.

Speaker 144 But I'm damn it, I'm going to do comedy and I'm going to be the best father I can be. So fuck anybody who says you can't.

Speaker 150 So your 11-year-old is with a camera guy right now?

Speaker 19 Anybody who meets, anybody who meets this kid loves him.

Speaker 144 He's smart. He's not shy.

Speaker 52 He's fucking outgoing.

Speaker 144 Literally, he knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of the pie. I put a lot of time and effort into him.

Speaker 144 I've known I wanted to do comedy for a long time because if not for all these these fucking crazy ass stories, why not comedy?

Speaker 48 Do you have a squirrel?

Speaker 135 Does he go to school, the 11-year-old, or is he home?

Speaker 48 He's a whole school right up the road, dude.

Speaker 84 Here in Austin?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 5 It's in the back seat.

Speaker 117 But I thought you lived in South Carolina.

Speaker 144 I did.

Speaker 77 How long have you been here?

Speaker 48 About three and a half.

Speaker 57 Three and a half months.

Speaker 120 That long.

Speaker 144 No, unless some of this shit's new. Some of this shit's new.

Speaker 54 That's that long right there. That's how long he's been here.

Speaker 33 Read away.

Speaker 115 He's like 50.

Speaker 31 That looks like a hammock that Tyler sleeps in.

Speaker 120 Let's see. I forgot what number it was on.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 39 Give us another one up there.

Speaker 108 The end is just going to be.

Speaker 135 Number 14.

Speaker 136 You're going to like this. You know what? You know what?

Speaker 29 Screw the list.

Speaker 136 I'm going to go back to some questions that I like.

Speaker 16 So

Speaker 73 the 11-year-old goes to school.

Speaker 152 You, him, and your camera guy all sleep in your car every night.

Speaker 144 Which it takes, if you actually think about it, it takes a lot of effort if you do it the right way.

Speaker 144 Like if you're seriously, if you're seriously trying to make sure that DSS, which I've already been tested four times, comes up to your car, you got to have the receipts.

Speaker 144 You got to make sure your car is clean. You got to make sure he's clean.
Dude, I only dress like this on the city.

Speaker 84 Where do you guys shower at?

Speaker 144 All right, so I got a membership with a Y. We also, there's organizations that help you out with showers and stuff.

Speaker 144 Like I said, for three years, I came out here scoping out everything to make sure it was possible. I wasn't nominated 2017 Father of the Year Award through South Carolina for nothing.

Speaker 135 Is that true? Yes.

Speaker 17 You were almost the father of the year in South Carolina.

Speaker 11 Yes, sir.

Speaker 104 Through man-to-man and

Speaker 48 won.

Speaker 61 I didn't show up.

Speaker 105 Fuck me.

Speaker 24 Tim Wolse.

Speaker 15 I was nominated.

Speaker 31 I was in Austin checking things out, so I couldn't pick up my award.

Speaker 54 Otherwise, I would have been down there.

Speaker 57 I've done it. Really, my fucking gun.

Speaker 48 Chow and weld like a motherfucker.

Speaker 156 I don't give a shit what they said.

Speaker 95 Do you perform other places sometimes to like practice for this or are you just focused on getting on Kill Tony?

Speaker 144 I've been taking because when I moved here, I didn't know nothing about comedy. I didn't know anything at all whatsoever.
I didn't know a set from a bit, dude.

Speaker 99 Sure.

Speaker 144 Yeah, and so I basically told everybody, look, I'm going to use this as a platform, trying to figure out things I know and things I don't know to even try to ask about.

Speaker 144 And so that's all I've been doing is watching your show, taking notes and figuring out, okay, how to make a joke, where should I go and learn shit, and shit like that that's that's how i've been starting well i mean what can i say uh leslie you are something else um

Speaker 26 here's a book what i'm gonna do for you is i'm going to give you a big joke book yeah and

Speaker 119 for the

Speaker 134 11 year old I'm gonna give him a big joke book too.

Speaker 66 And

Speaker 20 I'm gonna give you some Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

Speaker 144 I need those.

Speaker 16 And for for your camera guy, a small joke buff.

Speaker 41 But that's for the camera guy.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 40 But we got to keep it moving along.

Speaker 134 But

Speaker 136 that's for the whole fucking

Speaker 136 household.

Speaker 121 The whole

Speaker 136 car hold. Can I ask one favor?

Speaker 105 Scroll.

Speaker 144 What? Can I ask one favor?

Speaker 29 Can you ask me for one favor?

Speaker 69 Hold on, band. Hold on.

Speaker 31 He's going to ask me for a favor.

Speaker 125 And here we go.

Speaker 144 Can I please find and show me where a camera is? And I just, y'all don't don't understand how much I hate this bitch, Tina.

Speaker 113 You're about to talk shit to your aunt right now?

Speaker 29 You see that guy with his hand up over there?

Speaker 106 Look right at him.

Speaker 19 All right, Tina, fuck you.

Speaker 15 Fuck you, son.

Speaker 103 I told you I'd get here. I told you I could do this.

Speaker 144 I told you I was fucking funny.

Speaker 33 Fuck you.

Speaker 147 Wow.

Speaker 31 Welcome to the first ever episode of Kill Tina.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 15 Oh, did I also mention I made

Speaker 120 Dean Madness a sweater?

Speaker 76 I hope he got it.

Speaker 65 Did you get a sweater?

Speaker 136 Did someone give you a sweater lately, David?

Speaker 144 D-Madness, I'm not gay on the back of it.

Speaker 40 Well, he wouldn't know

Speaker 104 what it says.

Speaker 27 But I'm sure he did, and if not, he will.

Speaker 13 Ladies and gentlemen, make noise one more time for Leslie Childs, everybody.

Speaker 106 Wow.

Speaker 151 Wow.

Speaker 26 Proof that anybody can sign up for this show

Speaker 42 Proof that anything can happen

Speaker 26 That is a very interesting case

Speaker 42 All right, thank you.

Speaker 26 How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?

Speaker 25 All right, let's get another bucket pull up make some noise for Matt Goletta everybody Matt Goleta

Speaker 42 Interviews have been running long tonight.

Speaker 43 Here's Matt Goletta everybody

Speaker 19 Yeah, it's nice to be in Texas where both abortion and jerking off's illegal.

Speaker 19 Yeah, man. Damn, it's crazy to be here

Speaker 19 in Austin, Texas, man. Hey, you know what's really crazy is that when you go to Austin, Texas, porn is banned, right? Pornhub is illegal in Austin, Texas.
I don't know if you guys know this.

Speaker 19 So I have to go ID and have my dick in my hand just to see pornography. I'm like Edward Snowden when I jerk off.
I delete most of my internet history.

Speaker 31 All right?

Speaker 19 It's like Texas, porn hub.

Speaker 19 I have my dick in my hand and my ID.

Speaker 72 What was this?

Speaker 19 Like fucking on Epstein's Island?

Speaker 19 I got a show ID. I got my dick in my hand.
What am I in? A fucking

Speaker 19 children's play pen?

Speaker 19 I got my dick in my hand. I got a show ID.
What is this? P. Diddy's mansion before the cop trade?

Speaker 19 God, Texas.

Speaker 19 I'm not a criminal for jerking off.

Speaker 95 God damn.

Speaker 53 Matt Goletta.

Speaker 124 Whoa, our first boo of the night, Matt.

Speaker 40 What's going on, Matt?

Speaker 43 How are you, buddy?

Speaker 46 It's okay.

Speaker 149 Over here, Matt.

Speaker 13 Focus on me, Matt.

Speaker 98 You're being mean to me.

Speaker 121 Fucking assholes.

Speaker 99 Matt,

Speaker 52 over here, Matt.

Speaker 83 Don't rile them up, Matt.

Speaker 41 I'm trying to help you.

Speaker 30 Focus on me.

Speaker 57 What's up, buddy?

Speaker 31 I'm doing great. Okay.

Speaker 78 How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for?

Speaker 39 How long have you been a full-grown sea monkey?

Speaker 19 I have been a sea monkey for a while.

Speaker 19 And I haven't grown any taller. I've been doing comedy on and off for about five years.

Speaker 33 Really?

Speaker 14 Where have you been doing it on and where have you been doing it off?

Speaker 14 There was a guy before you that has every mental illness in the world and a scroll and he buried you with a shovel

Speaker 93 He sleeps in a three-bedroom car

Speaker 79 You have no excuse right now.

Speaker 49 Okay, Jesus.

Speaker 11 Wow being almost father of the year

Speaker 19 Did he come with the scroll of felonies when he came up here, too?

Speaker 150 No, nothing you say is working, Matt.

Speaker 106 Theo bombed.

Speaker 65 My goodness gracious, look at you.

Speaker 19 Well, it's great to be here, guys, bombing in front of you.

Speaker 53 Wow, okay.

Speaker 19 No, really, I'm happy to be here either way.

Speaker 100 Okay, all right.

Speaker 14 Matt, where have you been doing this comedy at?

Speaker 19 I started doing comedy in New Jersey.

Speaker 73 Okay, you were in Jersey.

Speaker 84 All right, and then what happened?

Speaker 19 I basically been doing comedy since I was about 20 years old, and I was doing it. I live right near the Jersey Shore so Rutgers has the stress factory, Vinnie Brand.

Speaker 19 So I was doing comedy there for a while.

Speaker 88 And they like you out there?

Speaker 91 I guess, yeah.

Speaker 117 They do?

Speaker 19 No, they don't like me.

Speaker 19 No, they like me fine, man. I was just doing it.

Speaker 31 I always loved comedy.

Speaker 19 I wanted to do it. I actually had a month off of not coming to do comedy to come here.
And so, you know, I'm happy to just do it again for you guys.

Speaker 19 And even though I didn't do well, I fucking love it, man.

Speaker 125 Right. You love it.
No matter what.

Speaker 19 no matter what okay great what do you do for work Matt I I'm basically unemployed

Speaker 19 how do you survive I got hit by a Jewish person and whoa that has nothing to do they're not good at driving they hit me and then I got money what do you mean you got hit They hit me

Speaker 72 from the back, yeah, with a car.

Speaker 125 You got rear-ended.

Speaker 19 I got rear-ended by a Jew.

Speaker 22 Is that why you look like a balding Hitler right now?

Speaker 19 Yeah. Sein should

Speaker 129 fight. Wow.

Speaker 106 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 121 Christ.

Speaker 163 I was just putting my height.

Speaker 17 I'm the same height.

Speaker 93 Nine.

Speaker 33 Nine, nine.

Speaker 18 Okay. Don't don't feed into it, Tyler.

Speaker 86 Jesus.

Speaker 149 Don't start speaking German to the Nazi.

Speaker 16 Jesus.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 72 I'm just going bald. I was just a comb over.

Speaker 19 They didn't know Nazi things.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 19 Blocking a comb over.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 19 By the way, Tony, thank you so much for your roast. That was about about what you did with Trump's rally.
That was awesome.

Speaker 145 Okay.

Speaker 24 Well, yeah.

Speaker 121 Much of that.

Speaker 19 You guys don't like what he did?

Speaker 22 The Jews hate him. The Jews hate this guy.

Speaker 5 They really do.

Speaker 71 Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

Speaker 30 What's an interesting thing about your life?

Speaker 100 What's a redeeming quality about you? Everybody hates you right now.

Speaker 152 What's going to make everyone like you?

Speaker 19 Oh, Jesus. Am I going to tap dance or sing a song like all these other fucking people?

Speaker 19 No, I honestly, one redeeming, I don't know if I have a redeeming quality, but I used to, you know, I used to

Speaker 19 be a musician. I used to play music.

Speaker 23 What kind of music did you play?

Speaker 19 I played basically metal music.

Speaker 14 What did you do in the band?

Speaker 19 I played guitar, and then I also do vocals.

Speaker 31 I'm a vocalist.

Speaker 150 How about we play some metal music and we see our vocal?

Speaker 19 I could request a song. We could do a song.

Speaker 106 What?

Speaker 19 You want me to do a song?

Speaker 31 Is that what we're doing right now, right? Not all of it.

Speaker 72 I mean. Obviously.

Speaker 26 Here's a little joke book. There he goes.
Macaletta, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 106 There he goes. Thank you.

Speaker 26 Macaletta, everybody.

Speaker 130 There he goes.

Speaker 38 You guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 165 Let's do one last bucket pull.

Speaker 43 I pulled. We haven't had a female up yet tonight, so I pulled until I got a woman.
Here we go.

Speaker 165 Make some noise for a minute from Stacey Ross, everybody.

Speaker 165 Stacy Ross.

Speaker 165 What's up, Austin?

Speaker 31 I love this thick-filled room.

Speaker 139 It's awesome.

Speaker 31 I love Kill Tony.

Speaker 9 But more about me.

Speaker 166 It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there.
This is what we do for fucking comedy. I love it.
Any chuckle fuckers?

Speaker 166 I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess. But all my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny.
So that's why I'm here.

Speaker 166 It's worth something, right?

Speaker 36 Are you guys really

Speaker 166 understand I'm from LA?

Speaker 166 I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me.

Speaker 48 Right?

Speaker 31 I mean, you knew what I was going to look like, right?

Speaker 166 But you pretty much knew, like, you heard the voice, you're like, I know what she's going to look like.

Speaker 13 Thank you, guys. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 30 Stacy Ross, can we bring Matt Goletta back up here?

Speaker 165 This is crazy.

Speaker 86 Stacy, Stacy, Stacey.

Speaker 81 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 166 I'm still alive, I know.

Speaker 166 Shocking.

Speaker 166 Okay.

Speaker 45 Stacy, welcome.

Speaker 27 How's your life going?

Speaker 39 Talking to the microphone, Stacey.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I forgot.

Speaker 39 You're living your dream right now.

Speaker 57 You're

Speaker 57 a requiem for a dream.

Speaker 33 I just want to.

Speaker 166 this is probably the high life of my life right now.

Speaker 106 I'm gonna cry, right?

Speaker 79 Definitely.

Speaker 39 Ever since you left the band Motley Crew,

Speaker 100 this is the new highlight of your life.

Speaker 31 They didn't have room for you,

Speaker 4 Motley Crew.

Speaker 96 What does that mean?

Speaker 31 Because I had to leave them.

Speaker 31 I had to leave the band.

Speaker 63 Never mind.

Speaker 87 Okey-dokie.

Speaker 166 Didn't you say I left Motley Crew?

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 151 All right. Wow,

Speaker 48 I'll fuck her.

Speaker 89 That's the best offer I've had all day.

Speaker 61 I'm a fugitive from Delta Airlines.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Stacey, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 166 Almost five years.

Speaker 67 Five years.

Speaker 49 Off and on?

Speaker 62 Or on? On. Okay.
On.

Speaker 72 On meth?

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 58 On meth? All right.

Speaker 88 What's the coolest gig you've ever done in this room right here right now?

Speaker 135 Okay, that's cool.

Speaker 121 Good answer.

Speaker 166 This town is fucking awesome.

Speaker 42 You live here?

Speaker 166 No, I'm here for a week. Okay.
So I'm leaving at four in the morning.

Speaker 31 You're leaving at four in the morning.

Speaker 128 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 111 I was here doing shit all week.

Speaker 59 I'll drive you to the airport, don't worry.

Speaker 149 He's going to have to drop you off at the frontier gate, though.

Speaker 40 You're going to have to walk a little bit.

Speaker 31 Why do you got to do that to me?

Speaker 79 Oh, my goodness. Stacy.

Speaker 121 You've missed me.

Speaker 92 I know.

Speaker 16 Me?

Speaker 7 Yeah, you.

Speaker 16 You were on this show before in L.A.?

Speaker 166 Like six times.

Speaker 75 That's right.

Speaker 84 I kind of remember that.

Speaker 125 You had a different name then, correct?

Speaker 116 Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball.

Speaker 100 That's right.

Speaker 81 I kind of remember that.

Speaker 128 It's a story. It's a good one.

Speaker 44 What is the story?

Speaker 127 Well, I'm going to find out later.

Speaker 86 This is a real story.

Speaker 9 This doesn't sound good for me at all.

Speaker 166 You have to sharpen your skills.

Speaker 31 I was playing a lot of poker, and I wanted to have my game all about poker, so I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game.

Speaker 80 And then

Speaker 17 I'm going to have you hand her this.

Speaker 16 I'm at a little joke book, Stacey, and we're running out of time.

Speaker 45 We're going to keep the show moving. Make some noise for Stacy, everyone.

Speaker 129 Good luck.

Speaker 11 This thing took. You're gonna go over there.

Speaker 54 You're caught caught up in the microphone. Take the microphone out.
We don't need you going down even further.

Speaker 68 Thank you, yes.

Speaker 40 Don't want to be.

Speaker 31 It's pleasure. Pleasure.

Speaker 43 There she goes, Stacey, everybody.

Speaker 122 Pleasure. No, Tyler.
No, don't, Tyler. No, come back.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 104 Everybody's wet.

Speaker 27 It is, from what we understand, it is downpouring outside.

Speaker 90 Which clearly makes the mentally ill a little more mentally ill.

Speaker 13 Hey, we still having fun?

Speaker 50 I got good news, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 We are done with the bucket pulls. There's only one person that can close an episode like this.

Speaker 43 And it is indeed the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews.

Speaker 43 I mean, what can I say about him? He is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine.

Speaker 10 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 6 That lady literally just touched my dick when she walked past me.

Speaker 133 On the way here, my girlfriend and I pulled up to an intersection and there was a homeless guy wearing a Nirvana shirt. And my girlfriend rolls down the window and says, name four songs dumbass

Speaker 133 my agent called me the other day and said he thinks there might be a World War III

Speaker 133 and I said great could there be a part in it for me

Speaker 133 but then I started thinking about it I think the last thing we need is another Hollywood reboot

Speaker 133 What's harder? Finding where's Waldo or going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper?

Speaker 133 It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing on stage, but they're not.

Speaker 54 Okay, that's my time.

Speaker 40 But yeah, William lights out, Montgomery.

Speaker 69 Hell yes. Welcome, William.

Speaker 103 So nice to be here, Tody.

Speaker 68 God, my throat is really

Speaker 68 hurting right now. I'm a little worried.

Speaker 68 Please, somebody needs to, please, maybe one of y'all knows, but I wonder, I've been drinking so much honey recently. I've been drinking so much throat coat tea with honey.

Speaker 68 I literally, I will drink a full bottle in two nights. I just wonder if you can have too much sugar and honey.
Yes. Can you? Yes.

Speaker 39 What happens if you have too much honey?

Speaker 82 You die.

Speaker 69 Why don't you look it up? Look up a maximum amount of honey.

Speaker 11 Diabetes. This isn't for nice.

Speaker 66 The answer.

Speaker 84 You've had a sore throat for absolutely months now.

Speaker 68 It's horrible, Tony. I'm not not even kidding.
I think I've done something weird.

Speaker 73 And hold on. Who is that guy?

Speaker 135 That is.

Speaker 54 On the guitar.

Speaker 133 He's been weirding me out. Red Band, do you know that guy at all?

Speaker 109 I actually have no idea.

Speaker 70 That is indeed Sean Greenberg joining us tonight.

Speaker 26 He absolutely rocked it out earlier during the pre-show.

Speaker 84 I was up there watching.

Speaker 73 He's a freak of nature. Cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 68 Nice to meet you, Sean. I mean, I just had never seen him before.

Speaker 35 I'd never noticed him before.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 122 Yeah. What do you think about him, man?

Speaker 133 Hold on. Can you do something else?

Speaker 68 That was cool.

Speaker 6 Something else cooler.

Speaker 16 Yeah, what else you got, Sean?

Speaker 39 Let's fucking flex over here a little bit. Sean Greenberg.

Speaker 136 While he plays guitar.

Speaker 153 You know what, Sean? Hold on a second. Let's do something fun.

Speaker 16 While you wail on the guitar, I'm going to name some of the side effects of having too much honey.

Speaker 45 And here we go

Speaker 153 wheezing and asthmatic symptoms

Speaker 26 dizziness

Speaker 86 Nausea

Speaker 24 vomiting

Speaker 121 weakness

Speaker 153 excessive perspiration

Speaker 21 fainting

Speaker 118 Irregular heart rhythms, aka arrhythmia,

Speaker 153 cardiovascular disease,

Speaker 163 stinging after topical application.

Speaker 47 Keep playing cool things, Sean.

Speaker 163 Like change it up a little bit.

Speaker 163 Stinging after topical application.

Speaker 153 It is to be used as a natural sweetener, cough suppressant, and topical product for minor sores and wounds.

Speaker 153 Giving honey to a baby under the age of one year can cause a rare but but serious gastrointestinal position called infant botulism

Speaker 153 caused by exposure to Clostridum botulism spores. Bacteria from the spores can grow and multiply in a baby's intestines producing a dangerous toxin.

Speaker 45 Killed two birds with one stone there.

Speaker 153 You got to hear Sean Greenberg and the side effects of having too much honey

Speaker 41 after studying all of this.

Speaker 68 Sean, can you play behind your back?

Speaker 29 Because that all sounds too hard.

Speaker 121 Can you really play behind your back?

Speaker 108 Can you play it behind your back?

Speaker 26 No, he doesn't do that.

Speaker 75 He likes to keep it all in front of him.

Speaker 78 So do you heard the side effects of having too much honey?

Speaker 26 Does any of that apply to you?

Speaker 68 Tony,

Speaker 68 you're going to hate me right now.

Speaker 130 Oh, boy. You have to.

Speaker 68 Guess what I've been doing?

Speaker 78 What have you been doing?

Speaker 68 Oh, boy. You're going to

Speaker 31 just do it.

Speaker 68 You're going to hate to hear what I'm about to tell you.

Speaker 68 I'm not kidding.

Speaker 68 There's a new... Okay, there's a new...

Speaker 68 Call of Duty, and it's a video game, and I have almost all of my sub-machine guns gold camouflage right now. We've had, it was a two

Speaker 68 It was a two XP weekend. I have been playing it so much Tony, so I came up here a little

Speaker 73 How does your throat hurt if you spend multiple days a week not working Because you basically I've noticed you've started taking Tuesday Wednesdays and Thursdays off to or I start feeling insane Right.

Speaker 68 I start feeling crazy. I have to have some sort of downtime.
I have to have some sort of downtime. Okay, cool.

Speaker 36 I start feeling nuts.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 33 Like really crazy.

Speaker 68 I started feeling really crazy recently. If I start feeling like I'm working a little too hard, I start feeling insane.

Speaker 77 You call what you do.

Speaker 68 Yeah, getting fucking that six submachine guns. I got gold camouflage.
Yes, I was working. That literally was 24 hours.

Speaker 150 How long do I play games like that?

Speaker 78 How long does it take to beat a game like Call of Duty?

Speaker 100 Is there an end?

Speaker 107 You don't beat it.

Speaker 68 You just keep on playing, yeah.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 68 But I've been doing that. Yeah, I got to relax.
I've been feeling crazy.

Speaker 31 I got to take a little break.

Speaker 68 I mean, you don't want to hear that. I got to take some sort of a little break just generally.

Speaker 160 I hear you.

Speaker 18 Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And sometimes Friday, Saturday.

Speaker 65 Do you think maybe you're doing too many cameos? Is that what might be driving you crazy? By the way, it would drive any of us crazy.

Speaker 68 What?

Speaker 79 If we did as many cameos as you.

Speaker 68 Well, I mean, we're getting into the Christmas season. I mean, things are really ramping up, Tony.
I mean, this is the most hectic time of the year for my ass. I mean, it's Thanksgiving.

Speaker 68 Fucking Thanksgiving. What else you got? I mean, it's a lot of

Speaker 68 Thanksgiving.

Speaker 136 Do you get a lot of Kwanzaa requests?

Speaker 33 No.

Speaker 98 No.

Speaker 68 I've never, no.

Speaker 76 How about Hanukkah?

Speaker 68 I refuse them every now and again.

Speaker 124 No.

Speaker 68 There's just seriously, every now and again, I'm like, hold on, this person's trying to trick me right now. And they've all happened to be for those ones.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 62 So other than Call of Duty,

Speaker 23 what else have you been doing, William?

Speaker 122 That's about it.

Speaker 150 We saw each other at the airport.

Speaker 133 I know. We saw each other.

Speaker 4 That was the day I got banned.

Speaker 58 Really?

Speaker 61 Yes, right after that was the flight that I tweeted the pin.

Speaker 76 Huh?

Speaker 109 I got banned from Delta Airlines.

Speaker 18 So you saw him.

Speaker 104 Yes.

Speaker 78 And then you got on your Delta flight.

Speaker 61 We saw each other about 50 times because we had to go through the TSA precheck, so we had to make conversation. Imagine that.

Speaker 59 About 50 times we did it.

Speaker 36 We did pretty well.

Speaker 31 I know. And then I got banned from Delta Airlines about 10 minutes later.

Speaker 128 So.

Speaker 111 So what?

Speaker 14 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 88 When you got on that Delta flight, you saw the flight attendant walk by you, right?

Speaker 75 And did you take the picture of her?

Speaker 58 I fingered her first.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 5 No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 11 No, no, no, I didn't.

Speaker 75 Absolutely insane thing to say.

Speaker 76 Yeah, I didn't do that.

Speaker 14 So the flight attendant.

Speaker 16 This week, it's a woman. Was it a woman?

Speaker 61 Who's to say?

Speaker 108 You get in trouble for even...

Speaker 58 Really?

Speaker 33 Vote.

Speaker 76 Make sure you vote.

Speaker 6 End the bullshit.

Speaker 65 So you took a picture.

Speaker 84 Was it like the first time you saw?

Speaker 96 Were you like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Speaker 100 Like that? Or would you wait a second?

Speaker 61 I'm tired of treating adults like kids with the rainbow bullshit.

Speaker 58 It's enough. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 108 Well, I was doing so good until

Speaker 57 now.

Speaker 31 No, it's good. It's great.

Speaker 11 I'm just curious.

Speaker 59 Yeah, I took a photo and I posted it.

Speaker 61 And I actually deleted the photo because somebody's, her face was in it.

Speaker 73 And her daughter reached out and said, I agree with you. I hate the woke shit.
And her friend reached out and goes, I hate the fucking woke shit, but can you take it down?

Speaker 36 Because her face is in it.

Speaker 31 I took it down.

Speaker 54 still got banned wow yeah wow impressive traction on twitter

Speaker 60 yeah yeah go ahead and retweet that yeah that's tie the fish it's right gonna be right there f-i-s-c-h

Speaker 73 wait so what do you mean you got kicked off of an airplane is that what all he got

Speaker 59 banned is about tweet i took a photo and tweeted it later on and uh

Speaker 31 banned for life

Speaker 68 gotta be careful yeah

Speaker 31 i know that happens to people william's always very well-behaved on airplanes.

Speaker 88 What's the craziest thing you've ever seen on an airplane, William?

Speaker 68 Do you have any? Honestly, Tony, there was a time we were, it's been so scary recently because, yes, you're technically correct, Tony.

Speaker 68 On Sundays, I'm not doing anything, but I generally sleep an hour to three, so I have to nap. I have to nap, or I'm not doing good.
And it was so scary. I started on these early flights.

Speaker 68 I started having these nightmares that

Speaker 68 I find myself in the actual airplane, and the airplane starts crashing. And Tony, there was one day where it was when I was opening up for your ass, and you were sitting in front of me.

Speaker 68 And it's like I wake up and I'm on the plane, and I see you looking out of the window, and like rain starts coming in because there's some issue with the plane.

Speaker 59 Sounds like a Delta flight.

Speaker 68 But that was a scary one. So now I can't go to sleep.

Speaker 68 Right. Right.

Speaker 78 So all the yelling, it's like over because your throat's always sore.

Speaker 31 Have you gone to a doctor for this?

Speaker 48 No.

Speaker 68 I don't have health insurance.

Speaker 75 What do you mean you don't have health insurance?

Speaker 68 I don't have health insurance.

Speaker 63 William, you're rich.

Speaker 68 I'm 37.

Speaker 31 Why do you pretend like?

Speaker 68 And I'm rich. I mean, I think that could mean all kinds of things.
Yes. I mean, I'm currently thank the Lord above.
I don't have any debt or anything, but I don't know.

Speaker 68 I mean, I think it's very much so a relative about somebody's spending. I think there's all kinds of stuff that goes into that.
I don't know. Yeah, things thank the Lord have been all right.

Speaker 68 I mean, again, get a Christmas cameo from me. I mean, they're wonderful.
Get one of those, but

Speaker 68 it's just been a hard, and now it's raining outside, and I got to go play some more Call of Duty. I don't even want to play it anymore, Tony, but I'm going to be playing it all night long today.

Speaker 68 All night long tonight. And it's going to be raining outside, and I roll up some little joints and sit by the television and start talking shit and start some of the fucking little

Speaker 68 people on the fucking load wow

Speaker 26 well william uh

Speaker 88 what can i say is there anything that you're passionate about this week anything else other than call of duty getting my smg gold camouflage

Speaker 106 whoa

Speaker 40 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 26 Did that hurt when you just did that?

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 66 Oh, okay.

Speaker 45 In that case, we'll put a ribbon on it.

Speaker 26 William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 51 Ian Bagg is on tour. Go to IanBag.com with two Gs, I-A-N-B-A-G-G.com.

Speaker 45 Tyler Fisher is on tour.

Speaker 43 Ian, thank you so much.

Speaker 50 How about a hand for Ian Bag?

Speaker 87 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 45 How about a hand for Tyler Fisher?

Speaker 43 F-I-S-C-H.com for tour dates. He's on tour.
The drawing from Ryan J. E.
Belt is in. It's amazing.

Speaker 26 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Speaker 43 What do we got?

Speaker 26 Oh, shit. Trump and Biden.

Speaker 87 Look out.

Speaker 45 Classic characters from the show.

Speaker 165 Thank you to Squarespace, Blue Chew, Prize Picks, Game Time, Talkspace,

Speaker 42 Zippix Toothpicks.

Speaker 26 And to you guys, the audience.

Speaker 43 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 14 Red Band.

Speaker 87 Love you guys.

Speaker 43 We love you guys. Thank you so much.

Speaker 26 God bless America. Thank you.
Good night, everybody.

Speaker 26 Yo, this is important man. Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called pacebreakers.
The ones with all the pockets.

Speaker 157 I just got back from vacation, and I left them in my hotel room. And dude, I need to replace these shorts.
I wear them like three times a week. Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Speaker 157 Oh, also, my birthday is coming coming up soon. So anyways, thanks, bro.

Speaker 144 Talk soon. Looking for your newest go-to's?

Speaker 161 Lululemon What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays every Tuesday? Head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear

Speaker 139 from Australia to San Francisco? Colin Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the US.

Speaker 139 Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo and bezel settings, or design a custom piece that tells your love story.

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Speaker 139 Visit our Union Street Showroom or explore the range at colonjewelery.com. Your ring your way.

Speaker 137 Sups! The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

Speaker 162 We demand to be home!

Speaker 137 Winner, best score!

Speaker 158 We demand to be seen! Winner, best book!

Speaker 21 We demand bequeath!

Speaker 137 It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Speaker 140 Suffs!

Speaker 137 Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th. Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

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Transcript

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