#691 - JAMES MCCANN + ARI MATTI

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1 If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 1 If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, geared up for Tony Edge Clay.

Speaker 9 Last night, guys, hold on a second.

Speaker 10 Hold on a second.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, last night I gave a speech.

Speaker 15 I don't know if you've heard about this.

Speaker 17 It was a speech about free speech, believe it or not.

Speaker 18 And

Speaker 18 I'm currently under attack.

Speaker 20 I'm the news.

Speaker 21 I don't know if you guys know this, but on my speech on free speech, I referenced Puerto Rico,

Speaker 13 which currently has a landfill problem in which all of their landfills are filled to the brim.

Speaker 28 I guess I'm the only person that knew about this,

Speaker 30 unfortunately.

Speaker 12 And with that said, I just want to say that I've been to Puerto Rican.

Speaker 34 I love Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 27 They're very smart people.

Speaker 35 They're smart. They're street smart.

Speaker 36 And they're smart enough to know when they're being used as political fodder.

Speaker 39 And right now, that is happening.

Speaker 40 And

Speaker 31 I apologize to absolutely nobody.

Speaker 19 Not to the Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 41 Not to the whites. Not to the blacks.

Speaker 42 Not to the Palestinians.

Speaker 41 Not to the Jews.

Speaker 43 And not to my own mother who I made fun of during the set.

Speaker 42 Nobody clipped that. No headlines about me making fun of my own mother.

Speaker 45 Perhaps that venue at that time wasn't the best fucking place to do this

Speaker 46 set at.

Speaker 17 But in any matter,

Speaker 9 to the mainstream media and to everybody trying to slander me online,

Speaker 9 that's what I do. I go hard, and that's never going to change.

Speaker 48 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 48 Fuck yes!

Speaker 41 Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 Woo! Feels like home in here.

Speaker 50 You're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Square Space, Zippic, Simply Safe in Game Time.

Speaker 52 How about one more time for the best goddamn band in the land?

Speaker 32 Drew Blind Horns, Carlos Sosa,

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Speaker 51 I swear to God, this has been my band the whole time, people.

Speaker 18 Matt Muelling, everybody.

Speaker 33 The token of the band, if you will.

Speaker 18 John Dee's, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 And D Madness, everybody.

Speaker 25 You know, my band for years.

Speaker 3 Typical racist band.

Speaker 58 Typical hater of the Browns and Blacks.

Speaker 3 Life is good.

Speaker 56 Business is a booming.

Speaker 60 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 52 Who's ready to start the goddamn show, huh?

Speaker 11 Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to start this evening with one guest and one guest only.

Speaker 21 This is his second time ever as a guest on the show,

Speaker 13 and

Speaker 21 he is batting a thousand percent.

Speaker 71 He is one of the most requested guests for a return.

Speaker 13 He is unbelievably hysterical.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, make some goddamn noise for the long-awaited return of James McCann

Speaker 31 it's James McCann ladies and gentlemen famous from an unbelievable episode with his right-hand man Shane Gillis

Speaker 35 James McCann is back what a privilege to be here of all nights listen I know where I'm at in the pecking order of American comedy.

Speaker 2 I can't imagine how many people must have turned this down for me to get this tonight.

Speaker 19 I'm glad those fucking cowards aren't here. I'm proud to be here on this show.
God damn it.

Speaker 32 We are so happy to have you.

Speaker 29 Indeed, there were a couple,

Speaker 78 we will not name anybody, there were a couple Hollywood gentlemen that like working in Hollywood, specifically in Hollywood of Los Angeles, California, who dropped out today.

Speaker 85 So

Speaker 78 how about one more hand for the family?

Speaker 86 Hey, it's fearless.

Speaker 84 It's the game.

Speaker 86 I'm happy for that.

Speaker 39 For the fearless.

Speaker 5 Genuinely can.

Speaker 87 As an Australian, the closest thing to a Puerto Rican you could get at short notice, I'm assuming.

Speaker 88 Absolutely. I'm from an island full of criminals and we're coming here taking your jobs and I'm happy.

Speaker 43 Happy to be a part of it.

Speaker 52 I hit up every Puerto Rican I know.

Speaker 56 Nobody wanted a piece of this action tonight.

Speaker 21 I tried to make anyone, I was finding Puerto Ricans on the street saying, do you want to be a regular on a really big show?

Speaker 90 Can you write a minute every week anything goes it doesn't have to be good we'll make you better just come on

Speaker 40 and no one wants to play

Speaker 13 but James you know how this works believe it or not ladies and gentlemen I don't know what the what the conspiracy is here but we have set a record tonight for sign-ups 283 human beings are at a bar across the street hoping that a producer runs over there with a megaphone and yells their name these names are in the bucket it's almost as though the mainstream media is bullshit and they don't know what they're fucking talking about it would almost it would definitely appear that way comedians are excited to take a shot here at this show tonight this is very very exciting and uh

Speaker 71 So it begins.

Speaker 60 You know how it works.

Speaker 20 If I pull your name out of a bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 21 You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 52 It means you have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 97 And then

Speaker 78 I interview you.

Speaker 98 You wrap up the set.

Speaker 83 I interview you.

Speaker 68 We find out more about the person.

Speaker 40 Anything can happen.

Speaker 81 The whole thing's improvised.

Speaker 71 Chaos.

Speaker 60 Should be a lot of fun.

Speaker 52 You guys ready to...

Speaker 12 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Speaker 40 Nah, it's not... Forget it.
It's canceled.

Speaker 12 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen, performing first tonight with a brand new 60 seconds, one of the greatest regulars in the entire show's history.

Speaker 39 A man so fearless, so strong, so powerful that we must, we must make him an American citizen.

Speaker 44 To start tonight's show, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian Assassin.

Speaker 48 This is our imagination.

Speaker 58 Hey, America.

Speaker 103 Whoever you vote for is your business. But the sign outside of your house on the lawn

Speaker 104 is fucking insane.

Speaker 8 That's where your wife and kids live.

Speaker 105 Even if you vote for Kamala, don't put a sign out there for the maniacs to see that in this house there's an unarmed pussy waiting

Speaker 102 i'm gonna rob you out of principle

Speaker 58 i'm just gonna walk in give me all your shit

Speaker 106 Some Sam Smith looking fuck is in the kitchen

Speaker 58 wearing a mask in his own house

Speaker 58 honey come down

Speaker 58 he's here to rob us

Speaker 106 some green-haired bitch comes down

Speaker 46 don't assume

Speaker 86 They are here to rob us

Speaker 46 That's why the sign outside my lawn has trump 2024

Speaker 107 with two swastikas

Speaker 7 in this house we grab pussy we shoot people

Speaker 86 come on in

Speaker 84 thank you very much ladies and gentlemen this is kill tony and that is Ari Matty.

Speaker 31 The Estonian pride of the Kill Tony universe has done it again.

Speaker 85 Absolute chaos.

Speaker 26 Ari, where do you, how do you, what is your fucking process?

Speaker 82 Where does this stuff come from?

Speaker 103 I don't know. I really wanted to have something.

Speaker 103 I really wanted to have something political, but I don't know shit about shit.

Speaker 58 Me neither, I guess.

Speaker 56 I guess that's a theme.

Speaker 103 So, yeah, I was walking. I saw the signs on the lawn.
It's fucking insane. And then I tried to write a bit that, you know, makes fun of both sides.

Speaker 113 So everybody has a bit of fun, you know?

Speaker 58 On one side, there's unarmed pussies, on the other, there's Nazi rapists.

Speaker 114 Everybody has to have fun.

Speaker 89 Absolutely incredible, Ari.

Speaker 39 I'm going to vote for whoever lets me to stay.

Speaker 58 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 83 I know who that is.

Speaker 106 Kamala wins, I'm transitioning.

Speaker 58 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 99 It's her time.

Speaker 116 And if my boy Trump wins, you know I'm gonna.

Speaker 77 Daddy said it's okay.

Speaker 77 Get your pussies out.

Speaker 83 Anything could happen.

Speaker 21 If Trump wins, I'll be at the White House correspondence dinner roasting the shit out of him.

Speaker 56 If Kamala wins, I will be revealing that I was a plant at the rally.

Speaker 102 Taking him down from the inside.

Speaker 118 That's right.

Speaker 91 An inside job, no doubt.

Speaker 4 No doubt.

Speaker 90 What else is going on, Ari Maddie?

Speaker 40 Anything else crazy in life?

Speaker 58 I went to Estonia for a bit to visit my kingdom.

Speaker 103 And listen, Kiltoni fans, you're all great. But when I'm at immigration,

Speaker 106 please don't yell Estonian assassin, okay?

Speaker 44 Don't say kill Tony while they're asking me for the purpose of travel.

Speaker 121 Ari, you are too much fucking fun.

Speaker 82 I see

Speaker 80 between us

Speaker 39 an empty seat.

Speaker 9 How many of you think Ari Maddie should join Pan Pan for the rest of the episode, huh?

Speaker 25 Join the fucking credits.

Speaker 19 That's right.

Speaker 15 Fucking welcome, brother.

Speaker 49 Man.

Speaker 27 And it has begun, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 104 They've got the fucking nerve to say this man hates immigrants.

Speaker 73 We are taking over this country.

Speaker 3 Absolutely.

Speaker 111 Absolutely.

Speaker 39 Couple of the good ones.

Speaker 76 Yeah, no, honestly, yeah.

Speaker 52 So we're going to have fun tonight.

Speaker 37 Ari, Maddie, welcome back to the panel.

Speaker 39 Thank you.

Speaker 90 Here, my friends, going for the triple-double tonight.

Speaker 60 An unbelievable performance to start the show, and now joining the panel.

Speaker 81 And with that, I have made our first bucket pull of the evening.

Speaker 33 We're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 40 Anything could happen here.

Speaker 122 Could be one of the bright future stars.

Speaker 85 Could be made a regular right here on the spot. Could totally fail.

Speaker 40 Anything can happen.

Speaker 70 This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

Speaker 44 I do believe the Kill Tony debut of Matt the W.

Speaker 49 Hello.

Speaker 86 H, huh,

Speaker 123 E,

Speaker 86 E,

Speaker 83 L, U,

Speaker 86 L,

Speaker 123 U,

Speaker 123 O,

Speaker 123 O.

Speaker 124 That's how me and my girlfriend speak. So I told her the other day, I was like, hey, bae, come give me a kiss.

Speaker 83 K, k,

Speaker 59 i, i, s, s, s, sizzle.

Speaker 107 She says, you're a fool.

Speaker 86 F,

Speaker 123 oh, oh, oh, ooh, l, ul.

Speaker 124 I said, I know what you did, my little bro.

Speaker 124 B, b,

Speaker 46 r, er,

Speaker 123 o,

Speaker 123 o.

Speaker 124 She said, you better run.

Speaker 123 R, er,

Speaker 123 you, uh,

Speaker 125 and mm.

Speaker 35 I said, from you,

Speaker 124 I'd run all the way to Mississippi.

Speaker 86 M, mm.

Speaker 124 Thank you guys, thank you guys.

Speaker 39 Matt the W coming out with a laugh there at the very end.

Speaker 127 I think that was bad.

Speaker 86 B,

Speaker 97 but

Speaker 118 A.

Speaker 46 D.

Speaker 73 Sometimes people have a bad first three minutes and then save it at the end.

Speaker 5 That's what I find. Hey, Tony.

Speaker 124 Maybe you'd like it better if I said T, T

Speaker 123 R E R U.

Speaker 59 Uh, M.

Speaker 123 M.

Speaker 49 P.

Speaker 59 P.

Speaker 117 Okay, that was weird.

Speaker 33 That was weird, yeah.

Speaker 19 I like it.

Speaker 73 It's a fresh new style.

Speaker 73 Comedy's become old and stale.

Speaker 104 We're going to slow it down.

Speaker 84 This man's Andy Kaufman, people.

Speaker 52 Matthew W, welcome to the show.

Speaker 60 How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 124 Altogether, about seven years.

Speaker 85 Okay, seven years.

Speaker 19 But that was just two sets.

Speaker 76 They went for a really long time.

Speaker 86 And

Speaker 96 wow, seven years.

Speaker 68 Where at?

Speaker 124 Mostly in New York.

Speaker 30 New York City.

Speaker 124 Yep, Long Island, but I did a lot of time in the city.

Speaker 2 Wow. When you say you did a lot of time in the city, is that...

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 124 A lot of stand-up comedy, the minute set up.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 81 All right. How's it going for you?

Speaker 101 You know, I can't complain.

Speaker 124 You know, starting from the bottom in a new place, just getting to know everybody.

Speaker 128 Everyone in Mothership School, everyone.

Speaker 124 I love Sunset Street.

Speaker 60 So you moved to Austin is what you're saying.

Speaker 124 I moved to Austin, yes. I've been here about a year and a half.

Speaker 129 Okay, year and a half.

Speaker 79 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 21 What women's prison do you work at?

Speaker 124 Well, it's actually funny you say that it is a woman's prison.

Speaker 124 It's called McDonald's.

Speaker 99 Holy shit.

Speaker 73 Were you involved in an E.

Speaker 131 coli outbreak recently?

Speaker 88 I've got to know.

Speaker 75 Yo, McDonald's, get your boy.

Speaker 73 I was angry to learn we couldn't order the quarter pounder at the moment. Is anyone else furious about that?

Speaker 5 Is that a thing?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was a Nick Kolai outbreak and they said no more quarter pounders, but today, as you well know, my friend, the quarter pounder's back.

Speaker 83 The onions.

Speaker 83 Q.

Speaker 44 Qua!

Speaker 105 You!

Speaker 31 No, no, no, don't do it.

Speaker 22 So, what do you do at this McDonald's?

Speaker 124 I'm a shift leader.

Speaker 85 A shift leader.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 83 yeah.

Speaker 124 I'm sorry, I just lightly manage.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 40 Tell us what a light manager does at a McDonald's.

Speaker 124 Make sure the checklist gets all done. Everyone's up, doing their job well, and McDonald's stuff, you know.

Speaker 93 Do you fire people sometimes?

Speaker 124 The boss has given me the power, but I do not use it because I don't think I should

Speaker 124 determine someone's fair, you know, what someone people make a living, they rely on it for their families, and

Speaker 124 I'm not going to end that

Speaker 111 incredible, absolutely incredible.

Speaker 129 How long have you worked at McDonald's?

Speaker 124 I started in New York during the pandemic. We were actually considered essential workers.

Speaker 78 I worked the whole pandemic.

Speaker 124 It's not funny. You all are going to McDonald's after this.
So I'll probably see you.

Speaker 124 But

Speaker 124 so then when I knew I was going to move here, I called the local McDonald's and I said, hey, you guys hiring? They said, actually, our shift leader is leaving.

Speaker 93 I was like, perfect.

Speaker 124 They said, are you a shift leader? I said, yes. So then I just got a gig.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 129 Amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 96 So

Speaker 71 what were you doing before the pandemic?

Speaker 124 I would bounce job to job. I actually

Speaker 124 I was big into comedy. So I would literally, I was living with my parents.
So I had that security. I would literally just quit jobs and just spend my money going the LIR and just going to the what?

Speaker 78 I don't know if I said that. I call it the train.
I never call it the LIR.

Speaker 83 The Long Island Railroad.

Speaker 124 And I would just spend my whole paycheck on tickets and just mic mic to mic and just do my thing.

Speaker 136 Wow.

Speaker 79 Okay. Is that minute that you did like a newer minute?

Speaker 124 I've been doing that for a few months. I actually do a whole second part to it.

Speaker 115 Oh, my God.

Speaker 126 No.

Speaker 50 Seven years in the industry, Matt the W.

Speaker 71 I'm interested to hear what you think your best joke ever is.

Speaker 90 Instead of doing a newer joke where you spell it out and you only have a minute and it's longer than that, and da da da da I'm interested it could be very very short perhaps or just the root of it.

Speaker 98 What's your best joke in seven years?

Speaker 83 What's your go-to heavy hitter if you had an audition for the tonight show and you took the LAR to the four rail or whatever the fuck?

Speaker 122 Like what would exactly what exactly would you do?

Speaker 124 I don't really do jokes per se. I do more bits.

Speaker 100 You do bits?

Speaker 52 Okay, can you do one of the bits?

Speaker 124 If you want me to, it's a little long. It's not

Speaker 82 is there anything anything

Speaker 82 is there anything kind of like

Speaker 124 well i uh i'm i do mostly improv uh improv and riffing i uh like the joke you just heard i riffed that on stage once and i edited it

Speaker 105 scene mcdonald's

Speaker 138 incredible incredible uh what would be something about your entire life that we would uh that we would be surprised by what's some the most interesting fact about your life um

Speaker 124 i do this this really takes up all my time.

Speaker 135 I also make music.

Speaker 139 What kind of music do you make?

Speaker 134 Rap.

Speaker 82 You make rap music.

Speaker 5 Watch out.

Speaker 2 He's going to make you rap now.

Speaker 131 I've seen this before.

Speaker 50 Well, geez, way to really step on the big surprise here, James.

Speaker 76 I just, I don't know that we have 45 minutes to listen to one rap song.

Speaker 86 Hi.

Speaker 85 Wow. This is incredible.

Speaker 140 Do you rap yourself?

Speaker 124 Yeah, you know, it's all I love to do. I love comedy and music, and I don't do much other than that besides my day job, you know?

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 83 All right.

Speaker 70 I like your style.

Speaker 96 Were you vaccinated?

Speaker 57 You must have been an essential worker in New York City, right?

Speaker 124 I don't think that has anything to do with what we're doing.

Speaker 2 I know a man who's trying not to answer that question when I see it.

Speaker 35 Respect.

Speaker 124 Yeah, I mean, get vaccines. Don't Don't get vaxxed.

Speaker 78 That's on you. Do your thing.

Speaker 81 Absolutely.

Speaker 122 Absolutely. Get facts.
Be a shift leader.

Speaker 85 So.

Speaker 124 You said that.

Speaker 81 You said that. I said it.

Speaker 22 I want to hear you rap a little bit.

Speaker 82 Michael, if you could just give him a light beat.

Speaker 110 Nothing too loud and crazy because I want to hear him.

Speaker 26 I can already tell he's not going to be that loud.

Speaker 40 He's not going to project.

Speaker 21 Nice and soft, guys.

Speaker 82 Nice and easy.

Speaker 26 Even slightly more easier than that.

Speaker 83 There you go.

Speaker 86 Yo.

Speaker 107 Made in his image, so get a good look.

Speaker 109 I'm an open book, but closed-minded.

Speaker 107 At times, I find myself misunderstood. And it gets me shook.
It's just how I feel inside.

Speaker 86 And these kids getting kids' meals, food for thought.

Speaker 101 You know, a hungry-minded adult is the result.

Speaker 107 Balls of truth pass through the youth as it rains. Gotta shed those tears if you wanna know the pain.

Speaker 116 If there's bad blood, then someone's gotta bleed.

Speaker 101 Gotta air it out so everyone can breathe. But violence ain't the answer, it's the error.
Means someone messed up. Know you need to bless up.

Speaker 107 What connects us? Nothing, cause we divided by block, by city, by country. Gotta reunite and give peace a chance like John Lennon.

Speaker 101 Cause even this earth needs a happy ending.

Speaker 5 Word.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 86 Wow.

Speaker 38 All right.

Speaker 88 Wow.

Speaker 88 Is the chicken Big Mac going to stay on the menu?

Speaker 71 Red Band wants to know if the chicken Big Mac is going to stay

Speaker 68 on the menu.

Speaker 71 After your performance, that's all

Speaker 67 we are curious about.

Speaker 78 I'll be honest, that's all I was thinking about as well.

Speaker 86 Wow.

Speaker 124 It's going to be a McRibb situation, definitely. It's going to come and go.

Speaker 78 That sucks, man.

Speaker 83 Right.

Speaker 98 What's your living situation?

Speaker 124 I live with

Speaker 124 three other roommates, two from Comics. Another one's engineer, sound engineer.

Speaker 134 Oh, okay.

Speaker 124 Three of us from New York, other one's from Cali.

Speaker 134 Okay.

Speaker 139 All right. You have your own bedroom?

Speaker 124 Own bed, own bath. It's crazy, Texas.

Speaker 4 It's a life of luxury.

Speaker 83 Matt the W.

Speaker 124 Probably, no, you couldn't do that in New York.

Speaker 124 Couldn't live like that comfortably.

Speaker 122 Absolutely.

Speaker 137 Here you are. You're a little spread out.

Speaker 21 Welcome to Texas, Matt the W, and congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 36 This is a little joke, but thank you.

Speaker 33 Matt the W, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 69 Matt, how'd you come up with the name Matt the W?

Speaker 101 Uh, it's so it's the take Matthew and split it into threes.

Speaker 15 Oh my god, Matt the W.

Speaker 33 Oh my god.

Speaker 11 He is so autistic.

Speaker 28 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 44 McDonald's.

Speaker 9 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 9 Little autistic comedy for you from Matt the W.

Speaker 9 It took me 10 minutes to realize how autistic he was.

Speaker 89 It is incredible.

Speaker 141 If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder. Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Speaker 141 Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Speaker 1 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 143 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 144 He's going the distance.

Speaker 145 He was the highest paid TV star of all time. When it started started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 64 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 143 Now, Charlie's sober. He's going to tell you the truth.
How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 145 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 144 We're past that, yeah. Somebody call action.

Speaker 144 AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket.

Speaker 24 These people have been waiting all day for this.

Speaker 57 Let's see what happens with the stylings of Chad Mitchell Rogers.

Speaker 3 What's up, dude?

Speaker 146 My girlfriend and I love to travel together and when we started traveling we would film everything and post it on social media and we thought we were gonna go viral and get famous but that didn't really happen and I'm starting to get impatient because I've always wanted to be famous.

Speaker 146 So I'm planning our next trip right now and we're going to go on a backpacking trip, but this time, instead of vlogging it, I think I'm just going to murder her.

Speaker 146 If I murder my girlfriend in the woods, I'm going to get a Netflix special for sure, dude.

Speaker 147 Move over, Gabby Petito.

Speaker 73 There's a new dead white bitch in town.

Speaker 146 Can you guys imagine my mugshot, fucking Chad?

Speaker 146 I love it, dude. I'm happy I'm with her, though, because I don't like dating apps.
I've never been a fan of them. And I'm like, you know, how do people meet before dating apps?

Speaker 40 You know, it's like, like, how did they meet in caveman times?

Speaker 147 Was it just one dude who knew how to invent fire getting all the cave pussy?

Speaker 146 I mean, he was the first guy in the history of mankind to get laid by using Tinder.

Speaker 117 Thank you.

Speaker 70 All right, Chad Mitchell Rogers.

Speaker 96 Welcome to the show, Chad.

Speaker 40 How you feeling?

Speaker 29 Great. You've been on before, right?

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 98 I remember that face.

Speaker 90 How's it been going?

Speaker 26 Was it once before?

Speaker 44 Twice.

Speaker 146 Twice. Yeah.
Last episode was with your mom, actually.

Speaker 83 Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 12 That sounds a lot dirtier than it actually was.

Speaker 60 My mom has been on the panel of the show before, 77 years old.

Speaker 90 Out there, absolutely killing it.

Speaker 122 What did she say to you?

Speaker 91 Did she say anything to you in your appearance?

Speaker 146 I mentioned that I only have one testicle and she asked me to prove it.

Speaker 70 She is so funny.

Speaker 119 Was it like cancer or stuff?

Speaker 146 No, no cancer, just God hates me.

Speaker 40 What happened?

Speaker 146 I was just born with only one. I don't know.

Speaker 146 That's all the news I got.

Speaker 132 But can you still like, ah, oh, yeah.

Speaker 86 Is there like less

Speaker 113 cum, you know? Is there less cum?

Speaker 86 It's kind of like a shoot and like a little flag.

Speaker 113 Is there less cum? Is there less cum?

Speaker 56 Is there less cum?

Speaker 86 They want to know if there's less cam.

Speaker 113 I'll be. Listen, is there less cum?

Speaker 86 Is there less cum?

Speaker 118 Okay, let me blow you real quick.

Speaker 56 We on the back of the chef bags.

Speaker 37 What do you got to carry on?

Speaker 147 It seems like a

Speaker 146 normal amount of cum, but uh.

Speaker 103 How do you know what's normal?

Speaker 54 Yeah, that's a great question.

Speaker 94 Mouthful, or like one mouthful?

Speaker 77 Guys, listen, some very important men in history have had one testicle.

Speaker 2 Men that we're trying not to talk about tonight for obvious.

Speaker 83 Wait, who?

Speaker 86 Oh, Adolf Hitler had one testicle.

Speaker 118 Really?

Speaker 94 Hitler had only one good ball.

Speaker 2 Do you not know that song?

Speaker 127 Hitler.

Speaker 50 Is that a big Australian song?

Speaker 75 They teach us that song at primary school.

Speaker 57 It's the Australian national anthem, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 87 Why were we fighting him if it wasn't over his weird testicle?

Speaker 73 I don't...

Speaker 74 That's what they teach us. Maybe it's different here.

Speaker 92 That is...

Speaker 78 Incredible.

Speaker 60 I had no idea about this.

Speaker 78 This sounds like propaganda.

Speaker 103 Is there like a second prosthetic ball in it to make it aesthetically look good?

Speaker 86 Because I've heard they do that.

Speaker 147 They do do that.

Speaker 29 I'm poor. I can't afford it.

Speaker 86 So it's just one ball and a lot of sack?

Speaker 5 Prove it.

Speaker 39 That's a good question.

Speaker 31 That's a great question.

Speaker 51 Did you end up with a normal-sized sack and it kind of just looks like it kind of looks like an empty grocery bag or something like that?

Speaker 58 A vagina.

Speaker 56 Is there something?

Speaker 146 Yeah, it's my HE balls.

Speaker 147 I mean,

Speaker 5 the sack does feel small.

Speaker 146 I've seen larger ball sacks in my day.

Speaker 40 I bet you.

Speaker 83 Oh, okay.

Speaker 103 So, when you get it out, do you like tell girls just so you know?

Speaker 146 Dude, this is so funny.

Speaker 146 So, I've never told a girl about it before we have sex. Like, first time ever, I just

Speaker 146 let them just find out on their own.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Speaker 102 Just before you're blowing in, just one fucking

Speaker 132 Wow.

Speaker 73 Do you grow the bush out more so to hide it?

Speaker 146 I like to keep it fucking shaved, dude. I like

Speaker 5 the elephant trunk.

Speaker 44 Ball to the wall.

Speaker 59 Incredible.

Speaker 83 Wow.

Speaker 79 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 2 Is this the exact same conversation you had last time when you were on the show about the ball?

Speaker 5 Were you coming out here hoping the ball wouldn't come up again?

Speaker 86 The ball has to come up.

Speaker 119 I'm sure there's more to you than a ball.

Speaker 119 There's a man behind that ball.

Speaker 146 Thank you, James.

Speaker 83 Is there?

Speaker 149 Yes. Half a man.

Speaker 127 Who are you?

Speaker 146 I'm fucking Chad, dude.

Speaker 19 Beyond a name.

Speaker 77 More than a sound.

Speaker 127 Who are you?

Speaker 146 I just feel like I need to yell now.

Speaker 146 Wow.

Speaker 86 I'm kind of fired up.

Speaker 83 Performance from Ball Out Boy over here.

Speaker 89 This is incredible.

Speaker 84 Where are you, my other testicle?

Speaker 97 Wrong band. There you go.

Speaker 39 Wrong bands.

Speaker 127 Wrong bands.

Speaker 31 You would have thought he was the improv riffing riffing guy that we pulled out of the bucket tonight.

Speaker 108 It's Blink 182, right?

Speaker 54 It was the ball sack of friendship.

Speaker 50 I miss my ball.

Speaker 49 Wow.

Speaker 94 One ball in my skin.

Speaker 94 This wound.

Speaker 104 I know that's a very different band, but we're all doing the voice.

Speaker 46 With ball wide open

Speaker 97 under my ball

Speaker 5 That went way too long.

Speaker 73 I should have shaved it down a little bit, but

Speaker 79 absolutely incredible.

Speaker 78 So, when you were born, the doctor told your parents, look, everything's good except one little thing.

Speaker 83 Yep.

Speaker 78 Did they have any idea?

Speaker 93 How rare is that?

Speaker 137 Do you know how common that is? I would have Googled it when I was two and a half.

Speaker 20 I would have literally figured out how to Google and been like, what the fuck?

Speaker 151 I actually never fucking looked it up.

Speaker 103 How did you like find out?

Speaker 119 Because did you figure it out?

Speaker 152 Did you find out?

Speaker 5 Yeah, seeing other balls and you were like, what's that?

Speaker 86 You have.

Speaker 78 One,

Speaker 83 two.

Speaker 86 Huh.

Speaker 29 I'm part of watching Redband Google.

Speaker 82 The odds of having one ball is that when you type T into Google right now, I'm the first thing that pops up.

Speaker 25 Just a little fun fact.

Speaker 38 Anyway, what is it?

Speaker 80 It's not normal to be born with one testicle, but it's possible to live a healthy life with one testicle.

Speaker 92 The medical term for having one testicle is, do you know?

Speaker 134 The what?

Speaker 80 Having one testicle is crypto chidism.

Speaker 136 Did you know that?

Speaker 129 You're a crypto, crypto guy.

Speaker 73 I knew I shouldn't have listened to Matt Damon.

Speaker 109 Fuck, dude.

Speaker 5 What's it called? All right.

Speaker 86 Okay.

Speaker 49 Ball my life,

Speaker 54 my babe, my babe.

Speaker 86 I pray for someone like you.

Speaker 40 Anyway, got ball songs in my head.

Speaker 81 So, what do you do for work?

Speaker 146 I'm a bartender.

Speaker 134 Ah, bartender. Okay.

Speaker 83 Highball?

Speaker 83 Screwball? Okie dokie.

Speaker 90 You're bartending here on 6th Street?

Speaker 129 4th.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 83 Whoa.

Speaker 86 Fancy. Is it a gay bar?

Speaker 5 No, it's a sushi restaurant.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 86 All right.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 29 Ball you can eat sushi?

Speaker 39 Or.

Speaker 20 A lot of

Speaker 16 testatarians going in there.

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 83 This is a, I can't believe how happy I am right now.

Speaker 59 I love it.

Speaker 79 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 110 So, what's your love life like?

Speaker 129 You having a ball?

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 146 I've got a beautiful girlfriend. She's awesome.
Her name is Jennifer.

Speaker 111 She's the best.

Speaker 138 What is she up, like one tit or something like that?

Speaker 52 Where'd you meet her at?

Speaker 146 We met in Los Angeles. We were in the same acting studio.

Speaker 21 Okay, this does indeed sound like you're going to end up murdering her in the woods one day.

Speaker 99 Yeah, I did forget that you threatened to murder your girlfriend in the woods.

Speaker 76 Really, you darted into the tentacle de-geir to kind of cover up for the girlfriend murdering material.

Speaker 103 And before you started that joke, as soon as you walked out, I literally had that thought.

Speaker 119 I was like, this guy looks like he kills his his girlfriend.

Speaker 119 Wow.

Speaker 2 He tries to suffocate her by stuffing his testicles down her throat, but it doesn't quite do it because he's only got one ball.

Speaker 5 Yeah. She's like, I'm sorry, that's terrible.

Speaker 40 Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 52 You guys ever do fun things together?

Speaker 78 You guys vacation or anything?

Speaker 29 How long have you been with her?

Speaker 146 It'll be four years in January. Wow.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 21 What have you guys done?

Speaker 146 Oh, man.

Speaker 146 We went to Hawaii twice. We've gone to Thailand.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 81 What'd you see in Hawaii?

Speaker 83 Some beautiful water balls.

Speaker 90 Okay, I'm really chasing a dragon here that doesn't exist.

Speaker 119 You should go to bowling.

Speaker 151 I love it. Were you jealous of all the girls in Thailand for having more balls than that?

Speaker 151 Red Bay!

Speaker 47 That's the new sound for when you have a good one.

Speaker 5 It's called victory.

Speaker 52 That's what that sound effect's called.

Speaker 132 Oh, man.

Speaker 125 I love it.

Speaker 68 This is going to go on the internet.

Speaker 56 Yeah, that's what this is.

Speaker 83 You're in it, buddy.

Speaker 103 I just can't stop staring at your, like the whole...

Speaker 2 No, that's not the balls that's an ahri thing he loves men and their genitals

Speaker 75 you grab my thigh every time we're alone in a green room together

Speaker 110 you have a joke book already uh yes what size big and small wow there you go just like your uh all right

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Speaker 72 Chad Mitchell Rogers, ladies and gentlemen, it's all happening.

Speaker 136 Yep.

Speaker 16 Your next comedian is a very special treat.

Speaker 37 You know her, you love her. An absolute legend of the game.

Speaker 25 This is the great and powerful Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 Here she comes.

Speaker 154 So I uh used to date this guy

Speaker 154 and I went over to his house and caught him cheating on me.

Speaker 112 Yeah,

Speaker 154 I think the most frustrating part about that was just how lazy it was.

Speaker 132 You know,

Speaker 154 like, go upstairs.

Speaker 29 Yeah, he wasn't really a thinker.

Speaker 154 You know, he uh he was the kind of guy that would like argue with me about having to wear a condom.

Speaker 77 I did uh

Speaker 154 I figured out a foolproof way to end that argument.

Speaker 154 Um I told him that my disability was contagious.

Speaker 154 But you know that motherfucker was like, how contagious?

Speaker 9 The great Fiona Colley has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 All the way from beautiful Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 40 Hello, Fiona.

Speaker 129 Welcome back.

Speaker 154 Hello. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 134 Absolutely.

Speaker 91 Absolutely great.

Speaker 154 fantastic how's life been going uh really phenomenal um i actually

Speaker 154 i had chosen fort worth a couple days ago and when i got to the hotel my wheelchair broke which was a fucking nightmare and i was stranded and alone and a random man recognized me from kildoney

Speaker 83 thank god yeah

Speaker 17 i thought that story was gonna go a whole nother direction direction.

Speaker 5 Still go back.

Speaker 110 Like the easiest raping of all time was about to take place there.

Speaker 154 Rape to go.

Speaker 154 Yeah.

Speaker 154 Hell yeah.

Speaker 56 Did he have one testicle by any chance this time?

Speaker 18 So a guy found you and he helped you out?

Speaker 154 He did help me. Everyone talks about like the kill Tony bump, but they don't talk about the kill Tony push.

Speaker 94 I love that.

Speaker 45 I love that. What did he he do?

Speaker 90 Did he jump your battery or something like that?

Speaker 20 What exactly?

Speaker 94 Did he plug you into a wall?

Speaker 90 What exactly had to happen there for that to work?

Speaker 80 What was wrong with your chair?

Speaker 154 I have no fucking idea. These chairs keep breaking every six months.
I like asked them, the company, what the fuck was going on.

Speaker 154 And they said I was using it too much.

Speaker 83 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 That's pretty cruel of the company to be making chairs that are disabled.

Speaker 99 I think

Speaker 77 they should.

Speaker 154 Just making sure I feel connected to it.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 125 Wow.

Speaker 122 Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 90 So he gave you a push and you were all good after that.

Speaker 154 Yeah, the chairs started working again.

Speaker 129 Ah.

Speaker 154 Yeah, I think it was also scared of that man.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 154 It too happened.

Speaker 129 I love it.

Speaker 96 Sophiona, that's incredible.

Speaker 79 What else is going on in life?

Speaker 137 How's Nashville?

Speaker 136 Everything good out there?

Speaker 154 Yeah, it's really good. I'm selling out every show I have, which is really fucking cool.

Speaker 49 Beautiful.

Speaker 130 Beautiful.

Speaker 115 You're on a roll.

Speaker 115 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 86 Very nice.

Speaker 58 I met you in Nashville before you did Kill Tony for the first time.

Speaker 44 Oh my God.

Speaker 154 I was a black girl.

Speaker 5 You were very drunk.

Speaker 73 You were really drunk.

Speaker 2 But it is a testament to how beautiful you are that everyone talked about how much they wanted to have sex with you and then the cheer.

Speaker 131 It was really...

Speaker 5 She's very hot, was all people kept saying.

Speaker 156 I thought you should know that.

Speaker 2 I don't know where your self-esteem is at.

Speaker 99 That means a lot.

Speaker 105 You're a beautiful lady.

Speaker 83 Absolutely.

Speaker 104 You're also very drunk and you kept grabbing me.

Speaker 75 But it felt bad to press charges against, you know.

Speaker 103 Fiona gets fucked up, I know.

Speaker 154 Okay, you would do.

Speaker 71 I know you're in a relationship, right?

Speaker 79 But do you ever do have you ever done that before?

Speaker 137 Have you ever just hooked up with a guy and had a one-night sit?

Speaker 154 Um,

Speaker 154 Yeah, I used to be a whore.

Speaker 86 Oh, nice.

Speaker 154 You can't tell.

Speaker 151 Since your last appearance, when you brought that up, we couldn't find any of the videos on Reddit.

Speaker 154 Dude, that has become the okay. It's true.

Speaker 38 You're the only one that fucking Googles girls' videos after their appearance.

Speaker 4 Don't say we.

Speaker 24 Don't say we couldn't find any of your videos, you fucking creep azoid.

Speaker 154 just y'all together in a dark room i love that yeah

Speaker 58 yeah come on red band dig it up red band

Speaker 70 come on red band you're supposed to be the tech guy come on search it search it red band

Speaker 154 i love it so how's your boyfriend doing really good yeah we're happy okay very good

Speaker 52 And any word on your condition?

Speaker 98 I think you were trying some new stuff last time.

Speaker 148 Yeah,

Speaker 154 the trial I'm waiting on, it got um paused because someone had a

Speaker 154 like bad reaction to it. Fucking pussy.

Speaker 157 Yeah.

Speaker 113 What's a bad reaction at this point?

Speaker 86 They won't write.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 113 What's

Speaker 5 chair deactivated.

Speaker 96 Chair shut down, shut down, chair.

Speaker 20 What happened?

Speaker 154 Oh, they won't tell me.

Speaker 154 But we're waiting. They said maybe mid-November, but I don't believe anything they tell me is who.

Speaker 129 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 129 That makes sense.

Speaker 154 We're just dying.

Speaker 86 James McCann.

Speaker 77 Look, there's at least a 50% chance this country is still going to be here by mid-November.

Speaker 76 So I'm praying for you and I hope it gets done

Speaker 4 absolutely when you board a flight right

Speaker 103 do you look at the people who are on a mobility scooter because they couldn't stop eating McDonald's like you fat tub of shit

Speaker 105 yeah is there an order because I've seen you guys square off

Speaker 154 They have the upper leg in that situation.

Speaker 154 No, dude, I was actually on a flight recently and I bored first because I am special.

Speaker 86 And

Speaker 154 these

Speaker 154 obese people were very fucking mad that I was first. Wow.
And it was like a weird dynamic, but they were second.

Speaker 154 And

Speaker 154 there's like the handicap rows on the front, so I'm on this side and they're taking up that row on this side. Jesus.

Speaker 154 And then, like, I let this guy sit in the window seat. The obese guy? No, like, a normal guy.

Speaker 86 Oh, nice.

Speaker 86 Nice.

Speaker 154 And at the end of boarding the flight, an incredibly sick man, like, with cancer, he was dying. He comes on the plane and they try to ask the fat people if they would move from the handicapped.

Speaker 45 And Red Band, what did you say?

Speaker 137 Wasn't that what happened?

Speaker 154 And they said no.

Speaker 59 Of course.

Speaker 154 And then they asked me to move.

Speaker 94 What?

Speaker 99 Get the fuck?

Speaker 22 So they really do.

Speaker 138 They have like an order to these things.

Speaker 86 Yeah. They're like, who's dying the fastest here?

Speaker 73 This is quickly turning into a sad European film.

Speaker 84 This is.

Speaker 94 Did they make you move?

Speaker 154 No, I refused to move.

Speaker 44 That's right.

Speaker 154 But I cared about this like sick man, so I scooted over, and now I'm in the middle seat all of a sudden. This guy is so sick, he's throwing up the whole floor.

Speaker 127 Where is he gonna go from?

Speaker 154 He has cancer. He had cancer.

Speaker 2 You're telling me sitting in the disabled section of the plane isn't all fun and games because I have been

Speaker 2 wanting to get down there.

Speaker 154 It depends, depends on your perspective.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 2 About 10 boxes of little Debbie's away from me.

Speaker 154 You'll get there before me.

Speaker 119 Do guys in wheelchairs give you like a little.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 154 Yeah, I don't fuck with disabled people.

Speaker 152 And you're like, yes, one of us has to go to the door.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 39 This relationship ain't ramping up at all.

Speaker 83 Incredible.

Speaker 12 Anything else we should know, Fiona, before we let you go?

Speaker 154 Oh, one goofy thing at Fort Worth. I was zooming around outside

Speaker 154 and some guy comes up to me and he goes, oh my god, I love your costume.

Speaker 44 I was like, what?

Speaker 154 And he looked at me, it was nighttime, and he looked me in my face and he was like, holy shit, you're Fiona Collie. And I was like, yeah.

Speaker 154 And he thought I was in a Fiona Collie Halloween costume.

Speaker 103 I think I have my outfit.

Speaker 154 Like, an expensive costume.

Speaker 122 That is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 131 I saw a lady in a Fiona from Shrek costume out on 6th Street. And she was slightly fat, but not ogre fat.

Speaker 2 But I assume she had to have an argument with her friends about whether she was fat enough to be human Fiona

Speaker 84 or big

Speaker 84 Fiona.

Speaker 154 She was in that sweet spot in the pocket, yeah.

Speaker 103 When I was younger, I actually liked the big, big Fiona more in the movie.

Speaker 2 Reminded you of those beautiful Estonian women that you grew up with.

Speaker 152 Strong shoulders that Fiona had.

Speaker 152 The other one was a bitch.

Speaker 17 Fiona, we absolutely love you.

Speaker 9 It's so awesome. Anytime you show up to Austin, Texas, you're on the show.

Speaker 25 How loud can this place get for the great Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 44 All right, we're back to the bucket again.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 37 He goes by the name of Danny Martinello, everybody.

Speaker 33 Here we go.

Speaker 90 Danny Martinello.

Speaker 142 I recently took a first aid course, and I think I'm ready for my hero moment now where like if I go out and about and I see someone choking and they're like,

Speaker 142 and then they drop, I go to them and say, hey, my name's Danny. I know CPR.
Can I help you? But they don't give me consent, but no consent in the CPR world is consent. So I jump into action.

Speaker 142 Some girls like, yo, that's not it. And I say, keep your trauma to yourself.
I'm trying to save a life here. And then I jump in and I go, you call 911.
You grab an AD. Are you coming back?

Speaker 142 Do you understand me? Right. And I just have to hope they know English.

Speaker 142 Guy squirms away. Pablo no English, AD, right? And then I just start jumping, seed and compression, right?

Speaker 59 Just, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Speaker 44 Staying alive. Staying alive.

Speaker 142 Right? And then I don't even care.

Speaker 104 I'll grow a mustache.

Speaker 142 I don't need a mouth barrier, right? And then all of a sudden, a guy comes out and goes, yo, dude, his mouth's over there.

Speaker 44 And I'm like, you shut the fuck up.

Speaker 59 Stay with me! Stay with me!

Speaker 86 Right?

Speaker 142 Paramedics show up and I'm like, oh, thank God you're here, dude.

Speaker 75 Fuck, holy shit.

Speaker 142 Holy shit, yeah. No, I think it's a cerebral fluid.
Something's coming out of his mouth, man, for sure.

Speaker 142 No, it's milky. Yeah, that's fucking spine.
That's spine.

Speaker 49 That's it, dude.

Speaker 86 Hilarious.

Speaker 39 Danny Martinello.

Speaker 86 God damn it.

Speaker 14 Look at that.

Speaker 110 Guns ablazing.

Speaker 100 Welcome, Danny.

Speaker 56 Hilarious.

Speaker 72 How long you been doing stand-ups?

Speaker 142 Like 15 years. I love it.

Speaker 71 It fucking shows. That seems like a 15-year set.

Speaker 142 Yeah, Yeah, I'm not going to lie, dude. I was stressing out that silence for the first 15.

Speaker 142 Dude, I looked at you and you're like, it's not going good.

Speaker 86 Right?

Speaker 43 But I just stayed in the pocket, you know?

Speaker 44 I'm like, fuck it, boom.

Speaker 86 Oh.

Speaker 104 Threw a bomb and then luckily some defender tipped it and my buddy caught it.

Speaker 142 So I'm like, sick.

Speaker 100 Fuck yes.

Speaker 110 Look at this little bundle of energy and testosterone.

Speaker 70 We got it.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 56 Martinello has arrived.

Speaker 142 Yeah, it's fun. I like Austin.
People have been thinking I'm on drugs, though, this whole time I've been here.

Speaker 68 You're not?

Speaker 142 No, dude, unless you call Christ a drug. Am I right, brother?

Speaker 44 Am I right? You know what I'm saying, bro?

Speaker 73 Keep those children in the bellies.

Speaker 142 Sometimes it hits, sometimes it doesn't.

Speaker 22 You really high on Christ?

Speaker 142 I don't know, man. It feels like I'm playing with the devil right now after that joke.

Speaker 86 You are.

Speaker 142 No, it's fun, man. I don't know.

Speaker 142 I get it. I don't really like blink and shit, but like, whatever.

Speaker 46 I like you because you are an easy interview, Danny.

Speaker 20 I like this. I feel like I could just go, what else?

Speaker 94 Let me tell you about yesterday, my friend.

Speaker 103 I actually used to do gigs in Canada with Danny. He used to be such a killer.
Imagine this energy following that.

Speaker 142 Yeah, but I was like super shit, so all my buddies would say I was like Cyclops without the glasses, just fucking

Speaker 142 But now I can shoot dinner plates

Speaker 142 Wow

Speaker 43 If they ever make another one of those Police Academy movies

Speaker 94 You're gonna be ready Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 142 I don't know what you just said, but yeah

Speaker 94 It's all right though, eh?

Speaker 158 No one holds up our frost Ross and Halfa, fucking half

Speaker 158 of our fucking

Speaker 158 fucking movies.

Speaker 44 Hell yeah.

Speaker 86 Oh, yeah, man.

Speaker 84 Canada's a perfect.

Speaker 44 There's nothing wrong with Canada.

Speaker 86 We all want to move to Canada.

Speaker 44 Bro, we're Commonwealth, Brown.

Speaker 158 We're Commonwealth.

Speaker 86 Come here, too.

Speaker 59 Come here, too.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24 Bunch of fucking wacky white guys up here.

Speaker 112 Yeah, what's going on?

Speaker 52 A Canadian, an Australian, and an Estonian walk into a comedy club.

Speaker 88 No one in this business has done more for immigrants and the disabled than Tony Inchcliffe.

Speaker 158 Yeah.

Speaker 19 I feel that is being missed from all of these stories.

Speaker 5 Can you please tweet that?

Speaker 60 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 126 Hell yeah.

Speaker 110 So tell us more about you from Canada, Toronto?

Speaker 142 No, I'm from Edmonton, Alberta.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 2 Nice. What's up, dude?

Speaker 142 That's why I feel like at home. I've been living in like New York for the last eight months and it's just fucking brutal, dude.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 142 Yeah, well, it's just like nice to be in a place where you smile at someone and they don't go, what the fuck you want?

Speaker 43 Dude, it's fucked up, man.

Speaker 142 When I first moved to New York, I literally was smiling. It's like, I'm a happy-go-lucky guy if you can't tell, right?

Speaker 153 Like, no, I am, dude. I got two.

Speaker 8 Are you all right? My name's Danny. I know CPR.

Speaker 44 Can I help you?

Speaker 142 No, but I've been in New York, dude, and like I'm a happy-go-lucky guy, right? I lived my life where I got two feet and a heartbeat.

Speaker 142 And if the sun's shining on me, my smile's shining on you, you know? Like, that's

Speaker 142 that's that's that's that's just how I live my life. And I was smiling because it was a beautiful day.
I don't know what fucking Fahrenheit it was, right? But like, uh,

Speaker 44 you know what I mean?

Speaker 104 So I'm with the rest of the world for fuck's sakes.

Speaker 142 And then, uh, and it was nice, probably like

Speaker 142 I'll say like 82 Fahrenheit.

Speaker 86 And, right?

Speaker 142 And I'm literally smiling and I heard this guy go, hey, yo, smiley.

Speaker 142 That's what he said. And immediately I was like, friend?

Speaker 73 You know, like I looked at him.

Speaker 142 I did.

Speaker 77 I know he's a stranger, but a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet, right?

Speaker 116 So

Speaker 104 he literally goes, hide your fucking teeth.

Speaker 153 No one needs to see that shit.

Speaker 142 Dude, no one's ever told me to hide my teeth unless it was like my mom and it like fell out and she's like, you're getting a five buck for it, you know?

Speaker 73 Like,

Speaker 142 but I was pissed though, dude, because like I wanted to be like, fuck you, you know, right? Like, show your teeth. I got all mine.
What are you working with, bud, right?

Speaker 29 But, like,

Speaker 142 but then I'm like, I'm a raw dog and no insurance in America, so I just took it.

Speaker 73 Just took it.

Speaker 86 You know what I mean?

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 9 This is what this show is all about.

Speaker 20 James McCann.

Speaker 88 That was a better minute than sucking off the unconscious, guys.

Speaker 86 That was

Speaker 86 James.

Speaker 48 I'm fucking nervous, all right?

Speaker 142 No, I was joking with those guys back there.

Speaker 73 I'm like, this is the closest thing I'll get to, like the gladiator, like, arena.

Speaker 142 This is it. It is, man.
You're back there.

Speaker 73 You hear, ah!

Speaker 44 And, like, people are like, I'm dying tonight, you know?

Speaker 5 But people just being pulled out in wheelchairs.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 88 Are you not entertained?

Speaker 39 She was walking when she went out there.

Speaker 20 She was totally fine before.

Speaker 25 Be careful.

Speaker 94 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 142 I thought her and her manager were going to run me over like a fucking crackhead on six, dude.

Speaker 116 It was crazy.

Speaker 44 He's like, get the fuck all the way. I'm like, I'm sorry.

Speaker 40 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 60 So, you do stand-up comedy for a living.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 73 And

Speaker 3 what else about you?

Speaker 142 My father wanted me to join construction, you know, I'm an Italian background.

Speaker 142 No, what is the question?

Speaker 29 Sorry, bro?

Speaker 45 Yeah, you're good.

Speaker 5 Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
Don't stop.

Speaker 142 No,

Speaker 142 yeah, I've been in New York for like eight months. And then

Speaker 142 it's fucking brutal, like just signing up, standing in lineups with backpacks, wanting to do shit.

Speaker 22 You still live in New York?

Speaker 142 Yeah, I'm there eight months, but then I came back here. And I don't know, man.

Speaker 142 Like, the one thing that made me come here was I saw Madison Square Garden and then Ron White's speech at the end of his set. And I was like, I don't know.

Speaker 142 I think what's going on right now is super special.

Speaker 81 Can I tell you something?

Speaker 91 You're in the storm right now.

Speaker 14 You are

Speaker 12 a perfect example of what this show is built for.

Speaker 21 Someone that can just take the ball and fucking run with it.

Speaker 9 It cracks me up.

Speaker 52 You know, I see sometimes, I see some comedians that we've known for a long time.

Speaker 137 You know, some of these people that maybe don't align in a lot of ways with us.

Speaker 137 And every once in a while, you know, when someone's down or, you know, going through something, they get a little chimy on that internet.

Speaker 138 And it's so funny to see them talk shit about this show.

Speaker 137 But meanwhile, someone like you with 15 years of experience can come on here.

Speaker 90 Your life will never be the same after this.

Speaker 83 Are you aware of that, Dan?

Speaker 43 I'm hoping it's not, dude.

Speaker 43 I'm serious.

Speaker 142 I'm hoping it's not, man. It's like a grind as a Canadian comic and then getting here.

Speaker 142 And then, like, don't get me wrong, like, I still think New York, like, as a kid growing up in Canada, wanting to do stand-up, like, that's where

Speaker 142 the hardest iron gets cut. But I'm trying to fucking ride a wave and slap a little bit.

Speaker 103 But it's so clear that all that pent-up energy in New York is just coming out now.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you know?

Speaker 142 Do you see a lot of people in New York and they're like, fucking check off.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 86 And I'm like,

Speaker 86 just

Speaker 94 come and go, you know?

Speaker 73 Like, take the rope away.

Speaker 142 But fucking, I don't know, man. I'm just, I just, I just think what's going on here is fucking deadly and seeing what you're doing.
And I just want to be part of it. So that's why I'm here.
You are.

Speaker 32 You're officially part of it, Danny.

Speaker 90 Martinello.

Speaker 11 Are you going to be in town Thursday?

Speaker 142 I got to go back to New York and chop some podcasts and shit, but I'll come back on the weekend. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 14 Let me know next time, man.

Speaker 30 I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show. Thanks.

Speaker 39 Hell yes.

Speaker 86 Whoa,

Speaker 86 what are the odds of this?

Speaker 41 Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 53 It has come full circle.

Speaker 54 Make some fucking noise for the great Ron White.

Speaker 54 Did you hear what this kid said about your speech in Madison Square Garden?

Speaker 66 I was up there and heard it.

Speaker 116 I came down here. Fuck, I walk out, give him a hug.
Give him a hug.

Speaker 86 I love it.

Speaker 25 I love it.

Speaker 31 Danny, Danny, Danny, come back out here.

Speaker 18 Danny Martinello.

Speaker 26 How long have you lived in New York?

Speaker 86 Get back to that mic.

Speaker 5 February. Since February.
February. And before that, you were in Edmonton.

Speaker 142 No, I lived in Toronto for like eight years, and then I applied for my visa. Made the big move.

Speaker 142 Yeah, and then I just said fuck it, and then went up to the oil patch for like six, seven months to work there and stack cash.

Speaker 33 What you said is that New York is always the place that you looked at like the place to do stand-up comedy.

Speaker 137 Am I correct?

Speaker 142 Yeah, but like from like a level where it was like,

Speaker 142 you know, you're like, you want to be the past at the seller, you want to be past at the shore, all that shit.

Speaker 142 And then you see from like a kid growing up in Canada, you're like, oh, this is the epicenter of like some of the best of the best. But what's happening here is like.

Speaker 30 It's true.

Speaker 142 Like I thought this while I was here walking and like, I don't know, because maybe it feels like my...

Speaker 29 What?

Speaker 74 What the fuck you laughing at?

Speaker 43 I'm just being vulnerable as an artist.

Speaker 158 You guys want to make fun of me?

Speaker 86 Huh?

Speaker 43 Can't all be dick jokes.

Speaker 59 Fuck.

Speaker 52 Danny, I'm going to get to my point real quick.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 39 Before you ruin everything.

Speaker 86 Thanks. Thanks.

Speaker 3 Before you absolutely ruin everything.

Speaker 142 Austin's better than New York in the sense where you can pop off more here and there's a lot of shit.

Speaker 12 You don't have to say that.

Speaker 56 What I'm going to offer is this: is that

Speaker 82 if by some crazy fucking chance,

Speaker 60 who knows what could happen in this world as we know, but if by some crazy chance this show

Speaker 71 happens to do Madison Square Garden again,

Speaker 122 would you like to do a set there?

Speaker 56 Fuck yeah, baby, let's try.

Speaker 25 So there you go.

Speaker 34 Danny Martinello.

Speaker 47 How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Ron fucking white?

Speaker 94 It's come full circle.

Speaker 34 Ron White spoke at Madison Square Garden, inspired him to come to Austin.

Speaker 31 He comes to Austin, says that Ron White comes out and he'll be at Madison Square Garden. That is, if I'm allowed in New York City again.

Speaker 90 Only time will tell.

Speaker 12 Who knows?

Speaker 12 You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 157 Good night, itchy eyes. Good night, sudden sneeze.
Good night to your symptoms of allergies. Xyzole is the allergy medicine you take before bed.
It provides powerful relief while you rest your head.

Speaker 157 Not just all night, but all the next day. Xyzole keeps working, keeping allergies at bay.

Speaker 157 And without those annoying symptoms disturbing your rest, you can wake up the next morning feeling your absolute best. Remember, be wise all.
Take Xyzole at night.

Speaker 160 Yo, this is important, man.

Speaker 160 My favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called pacebreakers. The ones with all the pockets.
I just got back from vacation and I left them in my hotel room.

Speaker 160 And, dude, I need to replace these shorts. I wear them like three times a week.
Could you send me the link to where you got them? Oh, also, my birthday is coming up soon. So, anyways, thanks, bro.

Speaker 160 Talk soon.

Speaker 63 Looking for your newest go-to's Lululemon. What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays every Tuesday? Head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear?

Speaker 12 Okay, let's do something fun, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 37 One of the greatest regulars in the entire show's history is here.

Speaker 56 This is that moment.

Speaker 18 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the undeniable comedy stylings, a brand new minute.

Speaker 12 This is Cam Patterson.

Speaker 161 My cousin just got out of prison recently.

Speaker 161 And some niggas should be in prison.

Speaker 161 Not all. A lot of people are very smart.

Speaker 162 My cousin is not one of those people. He should stay in prison.

Speaker 114 My cousin, it's been fun, man.

Speaker 161 He kind of raised me a little bit as a child, right? And now that people know who I am, he wants to tell all my new friends about how we grew up together, right?

Speaker 162 But he don't tell none of the cool stories.

Speaker 161 Like, we used to rob people together. We had jump people together.

Speaker 116 But he got around my new friends.

Speaker 101 Like, remember that one time we was at your mama's house.

Speaker 150 We were humping them pillows.

Speaker 7 you can't be telling niggas shit like that man that's between us we were doing listen first of all it was usher in the background that's gay as hell right

Speaker 161 it what made it weird my homegirl like y'all gay for doing that together like no understand something they were girl pillows so it's not gay they had like tassels and shit on them so it's fine right and it was weird because like This is the weirdest.

Speaker 161 The weirdest thing about the whole situation is that he don't understand. Like, that's not cool.

Speaker 161 You understand what I'm i'm saying like i remember and this is why say she should stay in prison that's why say she should have stayed there

Speaker 161 he wanted to talk to my homegirl right he was like your homegirl look good put me on to homegirl so yeah most definitely i will so i told him she could talk to him and they were talking this shit and then she was like hey your cousin keep choking me

Speaker 150 and i was like why are you choking this girl he was like i'm not choking a nigga i'm massaging her throat

Speaker 161 Now like they gonna put you back in prison. I want you to know that and you should be there that joke didn't work at the end, but that's fine.

Speaker 164 The rest of that shit did

Speaker 164 Fuck out of here. Absolutely.

Speaker 100 It's part of the fucking game.

Speaker 15 You got to do it every week.

Speaker 57 This is not easy.

Speaker 70 That was fantastic.

Speaker 4 Is that true? It was.

Speaker 161 Yeah, he's out of prison.

Speaker 21 How many cousins do you have in and out of prison?

Speaker 161 Hey, the only one I was in prison. Okay.
He went for like an armed robbery. He's good now to be out.

Speaker 164 Okay. Yeah.
He's a good guy, man.

Speaker 162 He should be free. I believe in him.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 161 I was playing. I believe in that nigga.
He's doing good, man. I'm proud of him.

Speaker 83 Okay. Hell yeah.

Speaker 22 Is he staying with you? No, no, no.

Speaker 161 He lives in Atlanta. Okay.
He just came to my shore in Atlanta and shit. It's funny.

Speaker 163 He uh, he's not my real cousin.

Speaker 129 Right.

Speaker 118 Are they ever your real cousin?

Speaker 8 Wait, you gotta wait.

Speaker 57 Listen, is there ever really this is my uncle's child?

Speaker 8 I mean, I got real cousins that I love and shit.

Speaker 161 One day, I used to go to my house a lot when I was a kid, right? And she had like a room for me where I can, where I could stay. And one day I got in my room.

Speaker 66 It was a light-skinned nigga in my room. I'm like, who the fuck is this light-skinned nigga?

Speaker 161 And she was like, that's your cousin.

Speaker 66 That's not my fucking cousin. Who is this nigga? Right?

Speaker 73 and it was her boyfriend's son and i i'm i'm colorist

Speaker 4 what does that mean i think all light-skinned is right so wow yeah yeah right you know what i'm saying all light skin yeah

Speaker 161 well wait what do you mean by that what do you mean when you that me i think all light-skinned is right and so I told him, I said, hey, man, you a bitch when I met him, right?

Speaker 161 And he was like, I'm not a bitch, like a nigga, you a bitch, right? He was like, you call me a bitch again. I'm going to show you a bitch.
And I called him a bitch.

Speaker 161 And then he stumped me out for like three minutes right

Speaker 161 and he was like am i still a bitch and i was like no nigga we family leave me alone right

Speaker 165 we cousins why would you do this to me i love you

Speaker 116 and we've been cool ever since and then we hump pillows together that's what we did

Speaker 165 that's what cousins do

Speaker 150 And that's the whole joke, but it was too long for the minute.

Speaker 164 Fuck y'all online. Okay, bet.

Speaker 90 I love it, Cam Patterson.

Speaker 52 What else is going on?

Speaker 163 Oh, nothing really, man.

Speaker 93 Just running around and shit, doing shows, stuff like that.

Speaker 164 My grandma called today.

Speaker 133 Oh, boy.

Speaker 83 Oh, I know.

Speaker 94 I could tell you the way you're looking.

Speaker 86 What does that mean?

Speaker 161 Mom, she love you still.

Speaker 83 Yeah, she still loves you.

Speaker 4 She loves you. She loves you.

Speaker 90 I don't want to get in the Tucker Carlson corner.

Speaker 162 No, no, no. She love you.
She love you.

Speaker 66 She love you. She love you.

Speaker 161 It's all good.

Speaker 81 She was just asking some questions.

Speaker 164 She asked some questions.

Speaker 5 She asked some questions. Yeah.

Speaker 86 I'm getting that. I'm getting that.

Speaker 150 And I said, my grandma's grandma's cool like she love everybody she was like i heard what you're saying

Speaker 162 because my grandma say too and she love you she love you i get locked in forever you know what it is i get it i killed somebody about you i swear to god you know that i don't think murder say that out loud

Speaker 38 uh

Speaker 150 you know i'm playing

Speaker 165 this is obviously a joke

Speaker 86 yeah

Speaker 58 Maybe an armed robbery, but not a murder.

Speaker 165 No, nigga, murder.

Speaker 54 You're

Speaker 161 killing somebody.

Speaker 44 Death.

Speaker 84 You're going to be with me, right, Ari?

Speaker 127 Hell yeah.

Speaker 59 Wow. Game's coming.

Speaker 149 Nah. Okay.

Speaker 55 Hey, Tony,

Speaker 102 we're going to kill somebody.

Speaker 149 For you.

Speaker 165 For you, nigga, I swear to God.

Speaker 127 Me and Ari. Yeah.
Together.

Speaker 44 Tony Hinchcliffe gang threatens murder

Speaker 86 now.

Speaker 100 It's true.

Speaker 12 This is the closest thing to a Nazi rally I've been to in a long time.

Speaker 7 Hey, hey, it's all good.

Speaker 161 Jesus is here. We fine now.

Speaker 116 It's okay.

Speaker 86 Jesus is here. Jesus here.

Speaker 44 Jesus is good. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 100 What the fuck is that?

Speaker 56 Brown Jesus?

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 86 Oh, my God.

Speaker 81 Has he been there the whole time?

Speaker 118 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 163 He just is. Is he wrong?

Speaker 56 What does that say about me?

Speaker 40 If I feel like I've looked everybody in the audience in the eyes at some point, all of a sudden, it took someone pointing out Jesus.

Speaker 88 Sometimes, Tony that's what it takes you know he's always there waiting for you to turn to him and you just need a friend by your side to let you know

Speaker 162 hey he here baby he made him I found Jesus this is good man you're doing the Russell brand I found that's how you get out of the scandal who Russell Brand who that is

Speaker 60 What ethnicity is that Jesus? Ask him for me.

Speaker 164 Hey, what's who is, nigga?

Speaker 75 What is your race?

Speaker 116 That's not real Jesus

Speaker 90 man, he must have accidentally nailed a nail through his own hand at some point

Speaker 23 Whoa

Speaker 19 Connie if you keep doing jokes like that you're gonna get in trouble.

Speaker 86 You better be careful My goodness gracious.

Speaker 83 I love it now.

Speaker 163 This is good man.

Speaker 162 I'm having a good time.

Speaker 90 We are having a good old time.

Speaker 20 I like it.

Speaker 22 Ari Maddie, what do you think about your little?

Speaker 58 I love Cam. Yes.

Speaker 164 Come on, man.

Speaker 163 Why can't I go to Estonia?

Speaker 119 No, you can.

Speaker 83 I never heard.

Speaker 39 Oh, you heard about that.

Speaker 44 Yeah, I heard. I want to hear that lady.

Speaker 150 I can't go. They don't like black people in Estonia.

Speaker 103 All the women that now I can't fuck.

Speaker 58 So

Speaker 162 we can do it together, nigga.

Speaker 161 You ever heard of a train?

Speaker 107 You ever heard of a train?

Speaker 152 The train, do where? Never heard of that.

Speaker 87 Same place we started, brother. Look,

Speaker 152 it's you ever heard of a train?

Speaker 163 It's a girl, me, and you.

Speaker 162 We can have five and shit like that.

Speaker 99 Come on, nigga. I can't follow you, though.

Speaker 103 What if you give her like really good dick and then I'm like for the conversation?

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 99 Hey, how about you? Fuck her.

Speaker 58 I make breakfast.

Speaker 150 That's it. Come on.

Speaker 149 Come on.

Speaker 86 Overall backage.

Speaker 165 Who want to fuck with us, man? We outside.

Speaker 107 Who wants to fuck us?

Speaker 44 Who wants to fuck you?

Speaker 44 I drop dick off, he makes eggs.

Speaker 116 Stop playing fucking crazy.

Speaker 99 I'll make you go to Renzi.

Speaker 102 Salt tool, avocado, ball, nigga.

Speaker 86 Wheat bread.

Speaker 8 And I'm just dropping dick off.

Speaker 86 Hell yeah. Going home, bitch.

Speaker 25 Amp track in the front.

Speaker 26 Coal train in the back.

Speaker 26 Jesus.

Speaker 86 Oh, man. That's wrong.

Speaker 152 Don't take the Lord's name in vain.

Speaker 86 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 90 I think after this, Ari Maddie might be one of your new cousins.

Speaker 109 He's my cousin. We locked in, nigga.

Speaker 116 Absolutely. We cousin.
James, my cousin.

Speaker 83 Come on.

Speaker 149 No.

Speaker 86 No. I love you, Cam.

Speaker 150 I love you too, man.

Speaker 116 We family, nigga.

Speaker 99 I believe so.

Speaker 86 We locked in forever.

Speaker 116 We locked in for life. Not hell yeah.

Speaker 149 Come on, for life.

Speaker 5 Watching James interact with very black people is absolutely great.

Speaker 73 I do believe, sir.

Speaker 99 I do believe so.

Speaker 29 I am in agreeance with you.

Speaker 46 All right.

Speaker 75 The black community have no greater friend than I.

Speaker 76 I'm a great big fan.

Speaker 95 Come on.

Speaker 162 Gang shit.

Speaker 44 We are side.

Speaker 149 Come on.

Speaker 86 Come on. Come on.
Ah!

Speaker 163 This is good.

Speaker 20 Absolutely incredible, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 That is the presence of Cam Patterson.

Speaker 12 Woo!

Speaker 164 Fuck yes.

Speaker 9 We're in it tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This is a special one.

Speaker 15 All right, we got another bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 38 Wow, everybody's going pee at once.

Speaker 100 Look at this.

Speaker 67 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 38 Wow.

Speaker 12 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 11 This is Benjamin Dahlke.

Speaker 9 Benjamin Dahlke is next.

Speaker 135 I went to Japan. And I went to the world's largest anime store.

Speaker 120 Now, I don't like anime, but the top five floors were all gay porn, so we're good.

Speaker 135 Everybody knows Tinder is a selector for people with problems.

Speaker 135 You'll scroll and you'll see all kinds of crazy stuff: teen moms, girls with crazy face tattoos, other times it's goth girls looking for men who will retrieve roadkill.

Speaker 135 Like, bitch, I'm not giving you my roadkill.

Speaker 135 I have a cat that vomits for attention,

Speaker 35 so obviously it's a girl.

Speaker 135 I went to the Museum of African American History in DC. When I got there, I found out you needed to register ahead of time.

Speaker 135 So obviously, no black people in there.

Speaker 131 That's all my jokes.

Speaker 15 Benjamin Dalkey, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 39 How are you?

Speaker 94 I'm good. How are you?

Speaker 85 You look fantastic.

Speaker 70 This is amazing.

Speaker 4 I can't believe we have Kamala Harris's stepdaughter here on the show.

Speaker 89 This is incredible.

Speaker 22 What do you weigh?

Speaker 153 You seem so light.

Speaker 135 Like 120 pounds.

Speaker 91 All right. I thought I was guessing less than that.

Speaker 60 Your wrist stays the same size the entire way up your arm.

Speaker 60 I've never seen anything quite like it.

Speaker 83 Have you ever done anything?

Speaker 135 No, not not with my arms. Right.
I made pasta today.

Speaker 39 Oh, my goodness. In a pot.

Speaker 83 You had a pot of boiling water?

Speaker 135 Yeah, like in my hands by itself.

Speaker 125 Wow.

Speaker 91 How much water did you boil?

Speaker 129 Was it like a little pot or was it like a big pot?

Speaker 135 It was a little pot, if I'm being honest.

Speaker 86 There you go.

Speaker 17 That's the actual sound of you carrying a little pot of water over to the

Speaker 129 There it is.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 26 So how long you been on stand-up?

Speaker 135 About a year.

Speaker 136 About a year.

Speaker 29 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 135 Nothing right now. I was working at a grocery store for a while.

Speaker 80 Okay. What were you doing at the grocery store?

Speaker 135 I was a cashier.

Speaker 138 That makes sense.

Speaker 81 Yeah. Hard to stock with arms like that.

Speaker 82 Hard to stock. Cereal boxes only for this kid.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 71 So you were a cashier.

Speaker 26 What do you do now?

Speaker 135 Right now I'm looking for a job.

Speaker 122 What happened at the grocery store?

Speaker 135 Nothing. I just moved here, so I had to leave the job.

Speaker 79 Where'd you move from? Virginia.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 21 And now you're in Austin, Texas. Yep.
How much money did you save up to move here?

Speaker 94 A lot, like 20 grand.

Speaker 58 20 grand. Damn.
Wow.

Speaker 5 Shit. Working cashier?

Speaker 135 Well, it was not just from cashier. I'm also...
A drug dealer?

Speaker 86 A drug dealer. Yes.

Speaker 86 It's drugs.

Speaker 5 It's drugs.

Speaker 99 It's drugs.

Speaker 84 Posing as a child prostitute? What's your

Speaker 135 sometimes they like to dress me up like a lady?

Speaker 94 I don't know.

Speaker 166 Wow.

Speaker 60 Okay. So what else were you doing to help make that money?

Speaker 135 Well, for a while, I was working as a car mechanic, but also

Speaker 135 I inherited some money.

Speaker 83 Yeah, I could tell there it is.

Speaker 135 Sorry, I wanted to lie to you guys, but he forced it out of me.

Speaker 122 Easy to do. Easy to bully.

Speaker 5 James.

Speaker 156 I was just going to say,

Speaker 156 I'm sorry that you lost someone.

Speaker 131 It wasn't funny, and I stopped myself saying it, but you know, we'll pray for them.

Speaker 77 And I'm sure, even though the money has helped you do this thing, that's a difficult time.

Speaker 135 Yeah, no, it's fine.

Speaker 131 Don't take the Lord's name in vain anymore.

Speaker 135 Happened a while ago, it wasn't recent.

Speaker 83 Okay, all right.

Speaker 91 So, Benjamin, what's your

Speaker 20 life like?

Speaker 138 What do you like to do for fun?

Speaker 137 Tell us more about you.

Speaker 135 I'm a big car guy.

Speaker 132 You're a little car guy.

Speaker 81 What kind of cars?

Speaker 90 My goodness, even random women are bullying you right now in the audience.

Speaker 86 It's incredible.

Speaker 57 What kind of

Speaker 39 tonka? Wow, the audience, we've never had this before.

Speaker 25 The audience is literally taking part in bullying.

Speaker 59 Hot wheels!

Speaker 86 Hot wheels.

Speaker 5 He's a Hot Wheels mechanic.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 36 What kind of cars do you specialize in?

Speaker 135 I know a lot about Japanese, old Japanese and European cars.

Speaker 94 Okay. Compact.

Speaker 73 What? Compact.

Speaker 119 Japanese.

Speaker 39 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 135 Yeah, yeah. A car that makes me feel too small.
It's not good.

Speaker 98 Makes sense.

Speaker 138 You specialize in Japanese cars.

Speaker 70 Your arms look like chopsticks.

Speaker 110 What's your love life like?

Speaker 68 I gotta know.

Speaker 135 Non-existent.

Speaker 83 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 78 Tell us more about that.

Speaker 90 When's the last time you were with a woman or a boy or whatever you're into?

Speaker 24 Stuffed animal, a furry, whatever you're into.

Speaker 135 I've never been like with a woman.

Speaker 82 Really? Interesting.

Speaker 5 That's beautiful. James McCann.

Speaker 35 He's keeping himself checked. Jesus approves.

Speaker 102 Jesus approves. Jesus approves.

Speaker 32 Mexican Jesus.

Speaker 82 I thought you were a Mexican Jesus.

Speaker 102 Mexican Jesus approves.

Speaker 2 Don't you let these degenerates tear you down into a life of meaningless casual sex that's great?

Speaker 74 Don't you do it?

Speaker 22 Amazing.

Speaker 90 Have you ever been on a date before?

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 136 Okay.

Speaker 122 Where did you meet this person? Where did you go?

Speaker 129 How did that go down?

Speaker 135 I met him on Tinder.

Speaker 84 It was a guy.

Speaker 135 No.

Speaker 14 You met him on Tinder.

Speaker 99 I met Am and him.

Speaker 86 The world's first virgin homosexual.

Speaker 2 If you can't get a root as a gay guy, I'm sorry. You're not trying very hard.

Speaker 58 Very true.

Speaker 135 No, not gay. It was a girl.

Speaker 93 It was a girl. Yeah.

Speaker 72 So you met her on Tinder.

Speaker 130 Where'd you go?

Speaker 45 Very good.

Speaker 79 So you met her on Tinder. Where'd you go?

Speaker 135 We just hung out in a park and smoked weed.

Speaker 128 It was pretty terrible.

Speaker 86 Okay.

Speaker 86 Did you strike up a conversation with her at all?

Speaker 94 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 129 How'd that go down?

Speaker 135 Was it good? It went all right. And then I brought up the show, and she was just...

Speaker 122 You brought up this show?

Speaker 83 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 122 You were just like, what did you say exactly?

Speaker 135 I was just like, we were just talking about stuff and

Speaker 135 she brought up,

Speaker 135 what's Duncan Trussell's show on Netflix? She brought up that show. And then I brought up that I liked this show.

Speaker 122 That you liked this show? Yeah.

Speaker 91 And then that was the end of the date.

Speaker 83 Yes.

Speaker 45 She knew about this show.

Speaker 135 Yes, unfortunately.

Speaker 159 Do you remember?

Speaker 90 God damn it.

Speaker 52 I wanted to fuck you before you said that.

Speaker 86 You ruined our relationship.

Speaker 60 Did she say something about this show before exiting?

Speaker 135 Not really, other than just like, oh.

Speaker 2 It's the worst O-face you can get out of a woman on a first date, I do believe.

Speaker 83 Wow.

Speaker 156 So you... It's an orgasm, Ari.

Speaker 20 So you've been a fan of the show for a little bit?

Speaker 138 Was that the main frame of the conversation?

Speaker 135 That was a big part of it. I don't remember.
This was like a year ago. It does not happen often.
Right.

Speaker 81 Yeah. But do you try to go on Tinder?

Speaker 79 Do you try to go on dates?

Speaker 135 Yeah, I'm not good at it, though. Like, I don't get a lot of dates off Tinder, really.

Speaker 81 Why do you think that is?

Speaker 122 What does your bio say?

Speaker 135 I don't remember what it says, but I think it's because I look like a girl mostly.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 131 You've got to pursue different women.

Speaker 156 I dated lesbians exclusively for many years.

Speaker 73 I've never dated a woman who wore makeup or perfume.

Speaker 75 You find out if their parents aren't together, and that's a better shot.

Speaker 58 And

Speaker 2 you're going to spend a lot of time in bookstores, but

Speaker 94 hang tight.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Anything else crazy we should know about your life, Benjamin?

Speaker 135 Not really. My grandpa worked at Area 51.

Speaker 49 Oh!

Speaker 49 Oh!

Speaker 93 Tell me, is it real?

Speaker 135 I don't actually know, but.

Speaker 58 Like, what did you do?

Speaker 135 He was an experimental test pilot.

Speaker 118 For what?

Speaker 135 So, for the F-117, which was a stealth jet, and then the Tacit Blue, which was like the UFO from the 80s.

Speaker 2 I gotta say, with the glasses, you do look a little bit like one of the Roswell aliens.

Speaker 83 A little bit. bit

Speaker 94 a cute one. All right, take it back

Speaker 68 ET phone homo

Speaker 166 ouch

Speaker 4 say ouch that's a first who's helping me

Speaker 78 yeah the audience can't tell but from the side I saw the thickness of your glasses you're blind as shit huh yeah yeah yeah it's fucked it's bad I can't see shit like if you lose them what happens hold on let's see can we can you can you look out there and and uh can you look out there and uh take your glasses off slowly oh there it goes now shake your hair like a pretty librarian yeah

Speaker 55 oh he's gorgeous

Speaker 99 heath young heath ledgers turned after the show it is better a little like this do americans have contact lens

Speaker 86 I used to wear them. Is that sticky yellow?

Speaker 56 Contact lens? It's like

Speaker 151 when it's that thick, you can't do it. It's too much.

Speaker 21 Have you looked into perhaps getting contacts?

Speaker 135 I had them for a while, but they make my eyes super tired by the end of the day.

Speaker 131 Have you thought about two big monocles?

Speaker 156 I think that could be

Speaker 90 Benjamin Dalky.

Speaker 120 Congratulations, you were on this show.

Speaker 36 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 25 There he goes,

Speaker 15 Benjamin Dalky, everybody.

Speaker 40 All right, let's get through another one here.

Speaker 100 Make some noise for your next bucket pull,

Speaker 67 Ladies and gentlemen, it is Mark Sinclair is next on pill, Tony.

Speaker 85 Mark Sinclair.

Speaker 167 My grandpa was recently diagnosed with late-stage dementia.

Speaker 167 I'm just glad one of us could forget the molestation.

Speaker 167 You guys, I'm joking.

Speaker 167 I'm like 60% sure I've never been molested.

Speaker 167 But I opened with that show once. I opened with that joke once.
And someone

Speaker 167 came up to me after a show and they were like, hey man, I really like that first joke.

Speaker 101 It's super relatable.

Speaker 6 Yuck!

Speaker 167 I don't want to hear about your hoe phase.

Speaker 167 I should have been surprised. My little brother's always been chatty.

Speaker 167 That's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 12 Very funny, Mark Sinclair.

Speaker 94 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 167 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 93 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 167 Two and a half years.

Speaker 83 Where at?

Speaker 167 Seattle and San Diego.

Speaker 52 You still live in San Diego?

Speaker 167 Just moved. I'm about to move to Dublin right after this.

Speaker 78 You're going to move to Dublin.

Speaker 137 I'm going to hand it off to my senior European correspondents.

Speaker 108 Dublin. Dublin.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 127 Why do Dublin?

Speaker 167 I'm a citizen.

Speaker 58 Oh.

Speaker 167 I'm a first-generation American.

Speaker 97 Oh, don't do that.

Speaker 156 Don't you tell my Irish brethren how to celebrate his heritage, you fucking Eastern European dog.

Speaker 88 You got the greatest blood in the world

Speaker 73 veins.

Speaker 77 I've had a couple of drinks, excuse me.

Speaker 102 Looking at you, I don't think is the greatest blood.

Speaker 2 We don't look great, but we have good songs and we get into fist fights, and

Speaker 73 we let Google do whatever they want.

Speaker 167 Violent people.

Speaker 128 This is violent people.

Speaker 81 Shockingly Irish episode here.

Speaker 21 We have two Irishmen on this stage.

Speaker 90 We had a shift leader of the Shamrock Shake on earlier.

Speaker 100 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 26 Have you had a Shamrock shake before?

Speaker 167 I have not. I don't know what that is.

Speaker 22 It is a seasonal beverage that is served at McDonald's.

Speaker 122 It is green, takes place around St.

Speaker 137 Patrick's Day, has a slight mint flavor to it.

Speaker 82 There's some fat bitches.

Speaker 39 Bitches out there.

Speaker 153 Do you know?

Speaker 77 Do you know there was a.

Speaker 5 Do you know Grimace?

Speaker 104 Do you know there was an Irish Grimace for one year?

Speaker 119 No.

Speaker 95 They brought him out on an event and he got drunk and started talking about how great the IRA was and they buried it and and never did it again.

Speaker 104 That really happened? Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 156 I saw it on Google, so it's probably true.

Speaker 5 But

Speaker 104 you can't trust everything you read on the internet about people who incite race hatred.

Speaker 87 That's what I believe.

Speaker 100 That's the truth.

Speaker 12 No better time for that to be said and known than now.

Speaker 80 Okay, so Mark, let's talk about it.

Speaker 79 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 167 I'm a software engineer at a bank.

Speaker 129 At a bank?

Speaker 125 At a bank.

Speaker 134 Very good.

Speaker 80 Very cool. And what types of things do you do for fun?

Speaker 81 You seem like a very serious man.

Speaker 91 Thank you.

Speaker 4 You're welcome.

Speaker 167 I like to go hiking and I like to binge drink.

Speaker 115 Oh, okay. Irish, Irish.

Speaker 96 What are your drinks of choice?

Speaker 167 Irish car bombs are very fun.

Speaker 58 Wow. Very fun.

Speaker 103 You're a fucking man, aren't you?

Speaker 103 Is that a good Irish?

Speaker 4 I like to fucking kiss you.

Speaker 58 Okay. Tutcha.

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 149 It's a little too good.

Speaker 22 Mark, what is something that we would be surprised to know about you?

Speaker 167 I was put on the Canadian terrorist watch list when I was nine years old.

Speaker 85 Fuck yes.

Speaker 139 What exactly do you have to do to end up on a terrorist watch list?

Speaker 122 I'm about two weeks away away from finding out myself.

Speaker 33 My own people, cackling.

Speaker 68 My own people.

Speaker 138 How did you end up on a terrorist watch list?

Speaker 68 What did you do in Canada?

Speaker 138 Did you do something and not apologize?

Speaker 93 He's a terrorist.

Speaker 136 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 167 I went there and I think my name was already on the list, so they just decided to tag me along.

Speaker 138 It was just a different Mark Sinclair?

Speaker 167 Yeah, Vin Diesel's real name is Mark Sinclair, so it might have been him.

Speaker 91 Oh, my God.

Speaker 123 Are you family?

Speaker 38 Wow.

Speaker 90 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 82 I don't even get the reference, but but it was very good.

Speaker 83 Wow.

Speaker 92 Mark Sinclair.

Speaker 80 So what are some of your goals?

Speaker 79 What are you looking forward to in life?

Speaker 134 Anything that you got

Speaker 68 ice dreams?

Speaker 91 You got a bucket list?

Speaker 167 I just want to travel around and have the most exciting life possible. Nothing really that

Speaker 167 inspirational.

Speaker 115 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 20 Well, Mark, you did fucking fantastic here today.

Speaker 5 Welcome to

Speaker 36 Big Joke Book.

Speaker 18 And there he goes.

Speaker 96 The great Mark Sinclair, everybody.

Speaker 29 One more time for Mark.

Speaker 23 And

Speaker 86 on

Speaker 72 to the next one we go.

Speaker 134 Is that bucket pull here?

Speaker 92 Is that here?

Speaker 81 Oh, oh shit. What the fuck is this?

Speaker 40 Oh no.

Speaker 40 Oh no.

Speaker 20 What is going on?

Speaker 15 Oh god.

Speaker 20 Oh God save us all.

Speaker 15 Oh my god.

Speaker 48 It's Kim Condon,

Speaker 53 resident Puerto Rican growth comedian.

Speaker 39 Oh no.

Speaker 15 Oh God.

Speaker 11 Make some fucking noise for the first ever Kill Tony regular,

Speaker 53 Kim Congdon.

Speaker 53 Thank you very much. How are we doing, Austin?

Speaker 44 Hell yeah.

Speaker 169 My name's Kim Congdon, and I'm one of the first Kill Tony regulars, and I am a Puerto Rican comedian.

Speaker 169 These are my white slaves.

Speaker 169 And I really wanted to take this opportunity tonight to do something that every Puerto Rican wants to do right now.

Speaker 169 No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
But I did watch the

Speaker 169 Trump rally, dude. I watched Tony's speech.
I was a little bit upset. You know, I got to tell you, half my blood is Puerto Rican.
It's true. Unlike Tony's blood, half of his is HIV.

Speaker 169 As you see, as you see, my white slaves are holding some Puerto Rican flags. Those are Puerto Rican flags, people.
They look different. They do.

Speaker 169 They have one star, just like Tony's first Netflix special.

Speaker 169 Tony, you called Puerto Rico an island full of piles of hot trash, which is very close to what you like. Islands full of piles of hot boys, you f it.

Speaker 169 And I'm here to stand up for my people tonight, because I'm going to say Puerto Ricans are American as fuck. We're just like y'all.
We have a lot of American contributions and traits.

Speaker 169 We love our culture. We love our music.
We work in aerospace. We don't want white people on our island.
We're racist like you guys.

Speaker 169 And this is the last thing I'll say, Tony. I think it's fucking insane that you don't like Puerto Rico.
It's a beautiful place, and the only dirty parts have been taken over by white billionaires.

Speaker 169 It's literally Austin, you idiot.

Speaker 84 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 86 I'm Kim Congn.

Speaker 25 Kim Congnen, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 48 Paper towels.

Speaker 48 She's throwing paper towels into the crowd.

Speaker 48 Oh my goodness. She's got a fun life.

Speaker 86 Oh.

Speaker 86 Oh my God.

Speaker 46 Kim Congdon.

Speaker 88 You want to join the panel?

Speaker 31 Kim's going to join the panel for the rest of the show.

Speaker 16 One more time for Kim Congdon.

Speaker 11 This is a special episode.

Speaker 47 I completely agree.

Speaker 23 I couldn't agree more.

Speaker 118 Great people.

Speaker 46 We love them.

Speaker 167 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 126 You're welcome.

Speaker 140 You're welcome, Mr. President.

Speaker 17 Y'all having fun out there?

Speaker 9 How about one more time for Kim Congdon joining the panel?

Speaker 27 It's going down.

Speaker 9 Another bucket pull coming at you. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Matthew LaCour, everybody.

Speaker 67 Matthew LaCour.

Speaker 168 How are we doing, Bubbas? Fucking, do we have any mixed people, any mud blood in the audience?

Speaker 168 I grew up white and black, right? But I grew up with the black side. I would be self-conscious, dude.
I'd be at the cookout. It's where's Waldo on the easiest level.

Speaker 94 You know what I mean?

Speaker 168 Bro, but my grandma, she was amazing. She'd be like, no matter what anybody tells you, you are black.

Speaker 164 Which is a lot for an eight-year-old when I don't know that Pokemon aren't real.

Speaker 44 That's all right. I got...

Speaker 168 I got the 23 in me, 25% Nigerian. So now I can use the N-word.
I just got to break it down to like syllables. I'll be at the cookout like, I can't believe that nah.

Speaker 86 Acting like a guh.

Speaker 58 What an er.

Speaker 168 Thank you.

Speaker 168 I'll leave you with this. I was in the military.

Speaker 127 I learned three

Speaker 168 essential things, right? One, never judge a book by its cover. Two, 1% every day.

Speaker 127 And three,

Speaker 103 LSD don't pop on a drug test.

Speaker 86 Thank you.

Speaker 21 What was the last thing?

Speaker 168 LSD doesn't pop on a drug test. Gotcha.
Yeah, but like even when you're on it.

Speaker 91 Gotcha. LaCor?

Speaker 67 Yes, sir.

Speaker 90 Matthew LaCour, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show, Matthew.

Speaker 137 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 168 About three years, I'd say.

Speaker 5 Where at?

Speaker 168 So I was in Illinois. I was near the U of I where I would do a mic like once a month.
In Champagne?

Speaker 83 Yes.

Speaker 168 Yeah, and then I moved closer to like the Romeova Naperville area. Okay.

Speaker 30 Suburbs of Chicago. He's seen the bean.

Speaker 169 He hasn't seen many.

Speaker 44 I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Speaker 59 I am.

Speaker 86 You're right.

Speaker 94 You said you were half black.

Speaker 83 I am. That makes sense.

Speaker 5 You look like you in Harlem shake a baby.

Speaker 86 That's so hard. Half black.
What's the other half?

Speaker 168 Like Portuguese,

Speaker 94 just white shit.

Speaker 168 Irish, French.

Speaker 134 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 138 Way to get the panel on your side.

Speaker 168 Hey, you know what?

Speaker 80 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 133 What do you do for work, Matthew?

Speaker 168 Work at a YMCA after-school program.

Speaker 92 A YMCA after school program.

Speaker 168 Yeah, I love to bully these kids.

Speaker 134 Okay. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 30 I go to YMCA to work out.

Speaker 83 You do? Yeah. I don't like YMCA.

Speaker 119 It's great.

Speaker 77 Work out which gag guy is going to have sex with him.

Speaker 2 All right, fellas? Come on.

Speaker 156 Now Harry's strike.

Speaker 20 YMCA is

Speaker 40 from one of my favorite bands, The Village People, it's a song.

Speaker 4 What do you do for fun, Matthew?

Speaker 168 A lot of jiu-jitsu. I actually trained with quite a few of your security guards.
They fuck me up.

Speaker 132 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 30 So your cauliflower yours.

Speaker 168 Yeah, just a little bit.

Speaker 81 When you say you're talking about the mothership security

Speaker 168 team.

Speaker 40 Yeah. And how long have you been doing that for?

Speaker 168 Combat sports about eight years.

Speaker 83 Okay. What level belt are you?

Speaker 134 Purple.

Speaker 80 Purple. Yeah, a little purple.
That's pretty good, right?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I supposedly.

Speaker 103 If you do MMA, you're the only guy allowed to have that haircut.

Speaker 58 Just

Speaker 39 like...

Speaker 5 Fuck.

Speaker 168 I want to come up with something for your shitty hair, but I can't.

Speaker 83 I think it's... What do you think?

Speaker 94 Too far.

Speaker 168 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I had nothing.

Speaker 136 I think it's good.

Speaker 135 I tried some new gel today.

Speaker 4 Okay. Should have seen it.

Speaker 168 This was braided a day ago.

Speaker 134 It was what? It was braided a day ago. It was braided a day ago.

Speaker 134 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 90 You seem like a real womanizer.

Speaker 110 What's your love life like?

Speaker 168 Dating somebody, actually.

Speaker 94 Really?

Speaker 83 Where'd you meet her at? Here.

Speaker 132 Here on Bumble.

Speaker 134 Here. Here.
Yeah.

Speaker 168 On Bumble. Yeah.
Austin and Bumble. Gotcha.

Speaker 134 All right.

Speaker 91 On Bumble.

Speaker 138 So is that the one where

Speaker 168 that's the one where they have to make the move?

Speaker 134 Okay. And so what happened?

Speaker 91 She made the move and then we're halfway.

Speaker 168 Maybe the move. We met at the coffee shop.

Speaker 122 What did you say to her? Sup.

Speaker 15 Like, sup. Want to get the fuck out of here?

Speaker 168 When you don't have to say more.

Speaker 58 Yes, you do.

Speaker 3 Yes, you do.

Speaker 149 Yes, he does.

Speaker 86 Oh,

Speaker 86 no,

Speaker 119 if that's all you get out of a lady before taking her to bed, that's a crime.

Speaker 77 No, that's how she got me.

Speaker 103 I think that's a crime.

Speaker 5 I tried to kiss her. She curved her.

Speaker 169 You look like a like night, you look like a mean guy, but kind of. You look like if you raped the girl, you'd eat her out first.

Speaker 159 Oh, always.

Speaker 168 Is that not how you're supposed to do it?

Speaker 86 Incredible. It wasn't rape.

Speaker 2 I saved it with 45 minutes of solid clit work.

Speaker 168 That's when they have to thank you, right?

Speaker 168 That's how you get away with it.

Speaker 7 Do you have any special movements? I'm sorry.

Speaker 116 It's a joke. What the fuck?

Speaker 26 Matthew, over here.

Speaker 98 Do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

Speaker 79 Is there any, do you have any tricks?

Speaker 16 Do you ever use your

Speaker 49 Do you use

Speaker 168 Jiu-Jitsu sometimes?

Speaker 169 Yeah, I think he likes likes the smother.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 140 You do the old Waffle House hash brown smother cover pickled.

Speaker 5 Spinneroonie.

Speaker 168 Five knuckle shuffle.

Speaker 93 What are your other hobbies?

Speaker 168 I keep it kind of simple. I'm music.

Speaker 168 What do you do with music? Huh? What do you do with music? I don't do anything. I just listen to a lot of music.

Speaker 168 Listen to a lot of music.

Speaker 103 How does this guy get pussy and I'm struggling?

Speaker 39 What the hell?

Speaker 106 You're matching on Bumble with those pants.

Speaker 86 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 You.

Speaker 5 I like them. They're comfy.

Speaker 70 What scares you, Matthew Lacour?

Speaker 5 Heights.

Speaker 168 Whoa. Heights terrifying.

Speaker 81 That was a quick answer.

Speaker 81 What's the worst thing that's happened to you at a high place?

Speaker 168 When I was in the military, we were doing rappel training, and I went forward, and there was this infantry dude, big dude, right? And I'm like shaking. My legs shake so hard that I can't get it.

Speaker 44 That's how I get around a big dude.

Speaker 83 Oh.

Speaker 168 So your legs are shaking yeah, and then what happened and then I sat down and this man was like yo if you're not gonna fucking do it then get out the way

Speaker 19 So I did it

Speaker 168 That'll get you moving.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 83 What what military what Marine Corps and what did you do in the Marine Corps?

Speaker 40 How about a hand for an American hero

Speaker 168 I thank your parents for paying for my alcoholism. It was awesome.

Speaker 77 I just found out about this.

Speaker 131 What is your favorite crayon flavor?

Speaker 94 Purple.

Speaker 75 I just found out about that.

Speaker 2 That's so nice.

Speaker 5 That's a thing.

Speaker 86 Purple? Wait, purple?

Speaker 132 What's a thing?

Speaker 168 So in the Marine Corps, the jokes between are like, Marine Corps is dumb. We eat crayons, and then we talk about the other branches because we fuck their wives.

Speaker 140 Wow, there's another one over there.

Speaker 115 Hell yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 169 You guys are eating crayons, but Puerto Ricans are retarded.

Speaker 67 For the record, no one said that about Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 56 And it wasn't hot piles of trash.

Speaker 133 It was because their landfills are over.

Speaker 82 They are at capacity.

Speaker 83 Google it.

Speaker 82 Google it.

Speaker 90 The mainstream media doesn't want you to know about it because it sounds terrible.

Speaker 33 I brought attention to it, and I'm getting no credit for it.

Speaker 43 Because these Democrats don't really want to help Puerto Rico.

Speaker 100 It's true. It's true.

Speaker 35 Donald Trump will fix the garbage on Puerto Rico.

Speaker 82 That is true.

Speaker 70 That is true.

Speaker 94 It's going to build a wall.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 21 So, Matthew, fun times.

Speaker 82 Congratulations.

Speaker 45 Ari, what do you think?

Speaker 83 Big or little?

Speaker 119 Okay, Maurice,

Speaker 119 let's give the big one.

Speaker 168 Hit me with it. You think so?

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 12 James McCann, you want to put in a vote here?

Speaker 119 From the set, little.

Speaker 94 The pants.

Speaker 73 This man's a fucking American hero, Ari.

Speaker 84 Sure.

Speaker 73 He's about to have to go and defend your country from being taken over by a bigger, stronger country.

Speaker 58 Sure,

Speaker 169 which is every other country.

Speaker 36 The votes are in. You're getting a big joke.

Speaker 31 There's Matthew Lacour.

Speaker 11 There he goes.

Speaker 15 All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here, huh?

Speaker 12 Make some noise for him, ladies and gentlemen. It's Dallas Turner.

Speaker 21 Here we go, Dallas Turner.

Speaker 12 One more time for Dallas Turner, everybody.

Speaker 170 So, right at the top here, I just want to take a moment to honor

Speaker 128 my girlfriend.

Speaker 170 She just recently

Speaker 128 died

Speaker 170 from fentanyl.

Speaker 170 Yeah, fentanyl, this dick in her mouth.

Speaker 156 So yesterday was a historic day for comedy.

Speaker 170 Tony did a set at the Trump rally, as you guys know. And he spoke on the Clintons.
And,

Speaker 170 you know, just personally, I hope that the Clinton Foundation does not take the podcast name seriously.

Speaker 170 Not for real though, it was really good to see you up there on that stage yesterday. It's just nice to see,

Speaker 170 you know, Trump has the support of

Speaker 170 a solid support from the gays.

Speaker 21 Here you go, Dallas Turner using all minute 12 seconds to the bear.

Speaker 81 Fantastic.

Speaker 90 I've always wanted a comedian with white rapper energy.

Speaker 36 Welcome to the show, Dallas.

Speaker 83 I am a rapper.

Speaker 86 You are.

Speaker 113 Of course you are.

Speaker 103 I could see the way you hold the mic.

Speaker 86 I was like, this guy's got a rap thing.

Speaker 5 I want to.

Speaker 20 You'll never guess what I do for a hobby.

Speaker 4 Hell yeah.

Speaker 94 So you are a rapper.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 128 My name is Lil God.

Speaker 97 Oh, okay.

Speaker 26 You've been on this show before.

Speaker 78 I'm that Canadian rapper guy.

Speaker 83 That's right.

Speaker 93 That's right.

Speaker 80 I remember now.

Speaker 92 That's why I was thinking white rapper.

Speaker 91 That makes sense now.

Speaker 138 That is locked in my memory.

Speaker 20 What else about you?

Speaker 110 Anything else?

Speaker 81 Or should we just get right into the rap and get the fuck out of here?

Speaker 86 Do you do stand-up?

Speaker 124 Sometimes.

Speaker 103 Every time I see comedians on this show hold the mic like this, I'm like, okay, the minutes are going to get out of the way and they're going to do their thing.

Speaker 75 Yo, yo, yo.

Speaker 77 I'm just glad the lead singer from Vampire Weekend moved on to something like this.

Speaker 169 You do look like you've been lost in Wonka's Factory for like 11 years.

Speaker 55 It is a cool sweater.

Speaker 156 Thank you. It's $20 at Walmart.

Speaker 73 You don't have to concede that.

Speaker 87 It's a very cool sweater, and you should be proud.

Speaker 22 Do you ever hide in the clothing racks and like pop your hat on?

Speaker 81 You seem like you have the face that would be good for that.

Speaker 128 Yeah, here and there, yeah.

Speaker 169 You look like someone melted Timothy Chamolet or whatever.

Speaker 35 I think he looks cool.

Speaker 105 That's how I'd like to look.

Speaker 76 I won't have this negativity.

Speaker 73 You've got a beautiful bum chin.

Speaker 119 Ladies love that. That's cool.

Speaker 88 Your hair's hanging on.

Speaker 74 I respect that.

Speaker 2 You have the eyes of a serial killer.

Speaker 95 Women find that very attractive.

Speaker 122 It is true.

Speaker 52 So let's just jump into it.

Speaker 82 You want to ask Michael Gonzalez for a beat over there?

Speaker 18 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 52 Let's try to not get too loud, bands, so that we could hear him.

Speaker 81 These raps that kind of get drowned out sometimes.

Speaker 156 So, I have this song called uh ice cream.

Speaker 78 Oh, shit, yeah, sounds cool, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 78 Who's that dropping in the van? That's the ice cream man. About to take your fucking money, eh? This is where it all began.

Speaker 78 I need to find sets, where's my meth? I'm close to death.

Speaker 84 Don't wanna die, I don't wanna die. We don't wanna die, we don't wanna die, wanna live long self.
I scream and do meth. I can't wait till the next time I am near death.

Speaker 158 Okay.

Speaker 25 All right. There you go.

Speaker 90 There's some people booing in the crowd.

Speaker 15 Some Marines booing in the audience.

Speaker 114 Oh, you screaming at

Speaker 114 the motherfucking. Oh, you screaming at?

Speaker 114 Eat it before it melts.

Speaker 74 I think it's a fresh new sound that the radio vanilla isn't ready for.

Speaker 114 My life's been a rocky road.

Speaker 114 I have a chocolate chip on my shoulder.

Speaker 88 I'm making that fucking cookie dough.

Speaker 15 I write better ice cream wraps than you.

Speaker 99 Thank you. 10 times.

Speaker 39 Thanks, man.

Speaker 104 That's what got you angry with this man's ice cream wraps.

Speaker 43 We're not good enough.

Speaker 44 Vanilla ice.

Speaker 19 Pistachio.

Speaker 104 Oh, shit.

Speaker 170 Yeah, that song went viral on TikTok and Instagram. What?

Speaker 99 Come on.

Speaker 18 I think I should kill myself in the comments.

Speaker 43 Do you know why things go viral on TikTok?

Speaker 75 It's because the Chinese government's trying to make America stupider.

Speaker 88 Exactly. That's not something to celebrate.

Speaker 35 I still think you look really cool.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 21 Dallas Turner, fun times.

Speaker 170 Fun times.

Speaker 57 You already get a little joke book last time you were on.

Speaker 128 I got a big one, surprisingly.

Speaker 86 Here's a little one for you.

Speaker 38 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 There you go. Give him that.

Speaker 21 Make some noise for Dallas Turner, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 27 And we've come to that time of the night, ladies and gentlemen, where there's only one possible thing left that we could possibly in this wild world do.

Speaker 17 There's only one comedian that could even follow an episode like this.

Speaker 16 He is the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews.

Speaker 28 Some people call him the Madison Square Gardener.

Speaker 126 Some people call him the Manhattan Mauler.

Speaker 32 We'd like to thank Squarespace, Zippix, Simply Safe in Game Time.

Speaker 86 Oh, yes.

Speaker 32 The Squarespace Strangler, the Zippix Zebra, the Simply Safe Salutatorian,

Speaker 25 and the Game Time Goat.

Speaker 11 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.

Speaker 48 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 108 After hearing Tony's jokes at the Trump rally, Donald is now wishing he would have been shot in his other ear too.

Speaker 108 Tony asked the Trump campaign if he could ever work with them again. They said, Yeah, we'll contact you using the special beeper.

Speaker 108 I asked Tony if he was worried about being chased by the Puerto Ricans, and he said, No, I bought a jet ski.

Speaker 7 What did you mean by that, Tony?

Speaker 35 Dear Catholics, if the Pope is so powerful, let's see him part the Red Sea.

Speaker 39 Okay,

Speaker 108 that's my time,

Speaker 18 William Montgomery

Speaker 25 focusing in on the super topical

Speaker 18 me situation and then a random Pope joke at the end.

Speaker 108 I know, I messed up on it. I was doing pretty good with the other stuff.

Speaker 135 And then

Speaker 52 he was able to write 49 seconds of me material and he's like, how do I fill this in?

Speaker 24 I love it, William.

Speaker 33 That is the other ear joke is perhaps the funniest take I've heard.

Speaker 90 And I have, believe it or not,

Speaker 52 I've read about 75,000 other people jokes about me in the past 24 hours.

Speaker 33 So that's very good that you immediately rose to number one.

Speaker 73 Yeah, how are you doing? I'm good.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 108 I mean, really?

Speaker 94 I'm asking.

Speaker 86 Okay?

Speaker 99 I'm totally fine.

Speaker 93 No, yeah, things are good.

Speaker 137 I've gotten some amazing,

Speaker 137 some very nice messages from your parents.

Speaker 58 Oh, really?

Speaker 77 Yeah, they're big fans. Francis and Larry, very sweet of them.

Speaker 121 They are very, very sweet.

Speaker 133 I've gotten a lot of support and none from you, but your parents, very sweet.

Speaker 108 Tony, I didn't know what to say.

Speaker 153 I just didn't know what to say.

Speaker 108 Not in a bad way or anything. I just didn't know what to say, and I knew I would see you tonight.

Speaker 30 I know i know i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding well i tony i actually found something that might be able to just hold over your mind for a little bit if you want i actually i'd always heard of the game tetris but i'd never played tetris before that is a fun

Speaker 30 wow game with the blocks i never played it before yeah i spent like a couple hours last night

Speaker 60 You were playing Tetris last night.

Speaker 30 Yeah, I was thinking about you. I was playing Tetris.
I was

Speaker 30 seeing how Red Band was doing. He was eating a bunch of birthday cake last night.
I can't believe you ate so much birthday cake last night.

Speaker 45 Why were you eating birthday cake?

Speaker 83 It's our friend's birthday.

Speaker 68 I didn't eat that much, but you had a bunch of birthday cake.

Speaker 151 No, I just had a little bit. Janice had a lot.

Speaker 105 Did you eat any ice cream?

Speaker 148 Rock and roll fucking ice cream.

Speaker 150 Neapolitan.

Speaker 60 Did you hear the guy's ice cream raps, William?

Speaker 134 Are you around?

Speaker 30 Yeah,

Speaker 5 Lil God.

Speaker 83 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 35 Cool God.

Speaker 169 That's who was there for Tony during the speech, Lil God.

Speaker 169 Are you just playing Tetris now, like on a computer or a phone?

Speaker 30 Yeah, well, I beat Donkey Kong Country 1. That game is hard as fuck.
I beat...

Speaker 30 Donkey Kong Country 2 flying to Portland this weekend. I finally was able to beat Donkey Kong Country 2.
That is also hard as fuck.

Speaker 30 And then I started playing Donkey Kong Country 3, and I didn't have it in me, Tony.

Speaker 138 Interesting.

Speaker 30 Interesting. And then it's like this comedy of errors.
I love the Pacific Northwest. Portland was wonderful.

Speaker 30 Really, I've loved it up there, but it was kind of a comedy of errors. I mean, the hotel room where I was staying, it wouldn't get above 64.

Speaker 30 The carpet was soaking wet. I get to the comedy club.
The dude getting the tickets is mead-mugging my ass the whole time.

Speaker 30 I'm being really nice to him, but I'm thinking this guy hates me for some reason. The toilet breaks.

Speaker 30 I have to end up putting my hands in the back of the toilet to flush, and I was having to shit in there. I hate shitting in public, but they had these washcloths I was able to use and do in the

Speaker 30 trash can, but then I was having to put other toilet paper stuff on top of them because it was just these big things of shit in the trash can. It was shit all over them.

Speaker 30 And then the internet went out on Saturday night.

Speaker 30 Then everybody has to freaking pay at the beginning and get their two drinks at the beginning and the show starts an hour late Jeff Richards was there he was wonderful love Jeff Richards love Jeff Richards I get into the green room and he just starts mimicking me the entire time on Thursday he's very good at that one-time great impressionist a freaky freaky great impressionist wonderful

Speaker 30 But yeah, it was a lot of fun, and now my voice is hurting, but we'll see how it goes in Cincinnati.

Speaker 30 See how it goes what? In Cincinnati this week.

Speaker 140 You're going to Cincinnati.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 103 I had a couple of friends from Estonia see your show a couple of weeks ago. They don't know nothing about comedy.
They don't know nothing what's the norm.

Speaker 103 And he said you called his wife a bitch seven times and it was the greatest show he's ever seen.

Speaker 39 Well, I wonder if it's one of...

Speaker 103 That's what you get going.

Speaker 30 Yeah, I mean, it's been throwing me off.

Speaker 30 I get these bitches who have their titties all out front and i'm looking down these bitches shirts and it's like i already kind of there's times i don't always respect women like i should i mean i totally have an issue

Speaker 35 are you looking for one right now yeah i was trying to see some titties right here but that guy nah

Speaker 35 wow

Speaker 134 william

Speaker 115 montgomery On the prowl, eyeballing his next innocent victim.

Speaker 40 I mean, look at him.

Speaker 30 You have to be careful around Heidi. I just look at her face.
Whenever I'm around Heidi, I just keep my head up.

Speaker 169 Yeah, you're a fucking dickhead.

Speaker 83 Oh.

Speaker 90 Uh-oh, look at the look on William's face.

Speaker 35 My throat hurts, and I'm a changed man.

Speaker 30 After all this Tetris, Tony, I'm feeling a lot more mellow. I swear it's really been helping with my high blood pressure.
I think it's a good thing I've been talking.

Speaker 136 Yeah.

Speaker 76 Because we had a stash the last time I was on the show.

Speaker 119 But since then, I feel like we've warmed to one another, and I really enjoyed, you know,

Speaker 77 being a warm acquaintance of yours at the very least.

Speaker 86 I hope one day a friend.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Did you guys have a beef?

Speaker 131 I called him retarded. It was not my finest moment.

Speaker 73 And he kept making it.

Speaker 108 He's like, what did you say, dumbass? I can't understand that.

Speaker 86 It's like, what?

Speaker 76 There were no real clear, you know, good parts.

Speaker 131 We don't have to keep doing it, guy, but

Speaker 94 I was gonna say South Africa.

Speaker 158 Here we go.

Speaker 77 Okay, we're back into a bad routine, but I was trying to say something nice.

Speaker 169 I like the more that he gets you, you turn less red and he gets more red. It's like he's winning.

Speaker 86 It's like a trance thing,

Speaker 81 William. What else is going on?

Speaker 129 Anything else going on? Nothing exciting.

Speaker 30 Just same old bullshit.

Speaker 30 Fucking

Speaker 136 God.

Speaker 134 Okay.

Speaker 83 Whoa.

Speaker 92 Cold as ice. ice.

Speaker 135 Yeah, I'm feeling a little

Speaker 134 cold tonight.

Speaker 136 Yeah, that's okay.

Speaker 21 Is there anything that fires you up?

Speaker 138 Is there anything that you're passionate about other than Tetris right now?

Speaker 30 I wish, Tony. There's really not.

Speaker 4 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 20 You've been playing a lot of video games.

Speaker 5 Have you ever played Stardew Valley?

Speaker 2 I just downloaded that on a flight and I was growing turnips and I felt like I was really achieving something.

Speaker 151 It's not Starchew.

Speaker 86 Star Jew.

Speaker 86 Star Dew.

Speaker 95 Oh, Star Dew. No, no, I might be playing a different game.

Speaker 2 In this game, you play Jeffrey Epstein and you lure small children to your valley.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 128 When Bobby Leap plays.

Speaker 83 What is going on?

Speaker 86 What is this music? What's happening? It's Tetris. Tetris music.

Speaker 23 Oh.

Speaker 42 Make some fucking noise for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 158 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 42 Ebelt is in.

Speaker 31 Oh my god.

Speaker 50 I do believe that's the two guests that were originally booked for the show.

Speaker 54 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Speaker 46 Oh,

Speaker 42 a little Jeremy, a little throwback, classic Hall of Fame Adam Ray, legendary character Jeremy.

Speaker 31 Guys, please, for the love of God, make some noise for Puerto Rican Kim Congdon,

Speaker 41 the Estonian Ari Mati,

Speaker 158 and the Australian James McCab.

Speaker 37 Red band.

Speaker 11 Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club for the secret show every Thursday this week Halloween show.

Speaker 37 We love you guys

Speaker 31 God bless America.

Speaker 19 Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 86 Come on

Speaker 34 No matter what happens, we're here and we ain't never gonna stop.

Speaker 37 We love you.

Speaker 27 Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 27 The unsay, the unsafe, the unsafe.

Speaker 27 Dance party with the insane dance party would be saved, be

Speaker 27 dance party with the

Speaker 27 break,

Speaker 27 dance party with the

Speaker 27 war.