#735 - TRIPLE H + CARROT TOP

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Fred Rick Cody live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Edge.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world, two of the greatest entertainers.

This week might be my finest work of my entire life.

As I present to you, one of the greatest wrestlers, one of the greatest entertainers of all time,

and a frontrunner for the 2025 Guest of the Year,

at the same time, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Triple H and Carrot!

Triple H

Carrot Top

Hold on, I gotta sit.

We are in the old fuck's gotta sit here.

Thank you, Triple.

Thank you, buddy.

Make some fucking noise for Triple H and Carrot Top.

Oh, my God.

We are in it.

Triple H, the man, the myth, is here.

WWE is now teamed up with ESPN, everybody.

All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service.

And Carrot Top is also here, lately.

I'm also in wrestling.

I just started.

We just talked about it.

We're going to do a little tag team thing later.

Oh, shit.

i'm gonna start drinking i'm gonna hydrate

someone's gonna be buried alive and a in a chest full of pieces

it is incredible to have you here it's like gallagher was here there's fucking water everywhere it's very exciting the greatest entrance in electricity and water history How you doing, Carrotop?

I'm doing all right.

I look great, right?

I have three microphones on right now.

I have three, I know.

You don't want to miss them?

Carrotop is the reason I am now bald.

Yes.

That was my future, and I was like, fuck it, I'm shaving.

That's great.

Oh, fuck.

I love it.

Carrotop, one of the front runners for the 2025 Guest of the Year.

Man, that was a skiff competition this year.

I'll fuck that up tonight.

Trust me.

We'll fix that.

We'll fix that.

We're very excited to have you back.

I see you brought your chest to fun stuff.

Triple H's first time on the show, Triple H, giving every wrestler in the world their opportunities.

He decides everything now.

Everybody remembers their first time.

That's right.

Someone assuredly.

Eventually, you'll know.

Someone assuredly is going to have their first time here tonight because over 300 people signed up to be in this bucket.

I pull a name.

I hand it off.

We wrangle them from a bar next door and they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview.

The entire thing is improvised.

They have no idea that they're going to be performing in front of Carrot Top and Triple H.

So there's probably some people that took a little bit of mushrooms, having a few drinks over there.

Just like, yeah, it's probably going to be a mellow show tonight.

And they're probably going to think that they're tripping their balls off when they come out.

and see Carrot Top and Triple H.

In the meanwhile, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have the return of a really rock-solid comedian who's going to do the first minute of the night.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Ike Gazaman.

Everybody, it's Ike!

Austin, make some fucking noise!

Muslim countries

don't have strip clubs because women don't dance when you throw rocks at them.

Kamala Harris does not use the N-word because she isn't black.

She's Indian.

Indians don't use the N-word unless their liquor store is being robbed.

This last joke is going to be a really fucked up one.

So I'm from Russia.

That's not the fucked up part.

Does anyone know how to say book in Russian?

Kniga.

K-N-I-G-A.

Kniga.

I know it sounds a lot like the N-word.

And you see, Russians in the U.S.

are fucking sneaky.

Anytime they want to use the N-word in public, they say book in English.

For example,

that book had over a thousand bottles of baby oil in his house.

Austin, you're fucking great.

Thank you so much.

Ike, how do you say your last name again?

Gazarian.

Gazarian.

Almost, Gazarian.

Gazarian.

It's Armenian.

Okay.

All right.

You're everything.

Russian, Armenian, unlikable.

I love it.

Welcome back to the show, Ike.

That was very Russian of you because there were definitely some

civilians being being bombed at some parts of that set

but welcome back your famous character in the universe because you have a a hookah bar slash restaurant in San Diego that we once read the reviews of

And it turns out that we took what was a very struggling business at the time.

You were about to go bankrupt and everything.

And we read the reviews on the show.

And from what I understand, business has 100% turned around and it's one of the busiest restaurants in San Diego now.

Am I correct?

That is fucking true.

Kill Tony fans are fucking awesome.

I had 1,100 reviews that took me 10 years to get.

You guys left 2,500 in the first two days

and Yelp fucking blocked me

for three months.

But it was great because I could talk shit to all those shitty customers and they couldn't leave a review, man.

It was fucking amazing.

I loved it, Tony.

Incredible.

So business is good.

Business is boob and the hookah bar part is good.

What was the famous line?

You can't smoke ash?

And your review is a lie.

Yes, sir.

So tell us more about it.

Was it immediate, the change?

Dude, right away.

Yeah, people are.

Right away.

The moment the show came up,

thousands of reviews just piling in, piling in.

I couldn't even read them on time because Yup kept fucking deleting them non-stop and so did Google.

But it wasn't about that, it was amazing.

Kill Tony Bump is real, you guys.

The show really has changed my life.

I almost went fucking broke, and you guys really did something.

How about the comedy?

How's the comedy been going since then?

Is the comedy

are you just selling baklaba and

the comedy's been doing great.

I just came back from a tour today.

I did a Russian tour.

Sorry, guys, it's a Russian tour.

But hopefully, I'll start doing more English tours.

Local comedy clubs love me.

I've been performing, doing 25, 30 minute sets.

I've yet to do an hour, but I will.

Okay.

I have the material for it.

Turn into a super villain real quick.

I have fucking material.

Well,

I might do an hour

if you live long enough to hear it all.

Carrotop, what do you think about this?

I'm trying to if I have a Russian prop.

I don't think I have a Russian.

I don't have a Russian nothing prop, but I...

Just pull it.

I have a.

Wait, I have one.

There's anything.

Here's the Cowboys' new helmet right there.

That's new Cowboys.

I mean, it's...

I mean,

it's close to Russia, right?

Cowboy shirt.

I probably shouldn't.

We're in Texas.

I should probably put that.

No, that's hilarious.

We love trashing the Cowboys.

It could have been any of the helmet, by the way.

I was coming here.

No, trust me, it works for the Cowboys.

you nailed it

Ike what else is going on love life's good still with the wife still with the wife wife still believe

how is she is she happy with your performance here and the new money coming in she's she's ecstatic she's uh cheering for me she knows i'm here tonight and i have the best fucking wife in the world man she

She lets me thank you guys.

She lets me go on tours.

She watches both of our kids while I'm gone.

Well, I have a mother-in-law.

She was a fucking bitch, but

she helps.

Is the wife super Russian, too?

She's Asian Russian.

She's one of them Asian Russians.

She's from Siberia.

So fucking up north.

It's minus 60 Fahrenheit over there in the winter for like nine months of the year.

So she's happy in Sandy.

She's like a tough lady.

She calls you a pussy a lot.

I'll tell her I'll send her back if she doesn't fucking act right.

Is she a tough lady though?

Can you give an example of like where you realize like wow, I'm with a Siberian, Russian, Asian.

The strap-on.

I'm not kidding, I guess.

There's no Russian with that.

That's why

take your time.

That's why I questioned wife earlier.

I mean, I was on that already.

Hello, Carrot Top.

Hello, how are you?

In Russia, wife, fuck you from behind.

Which is funny because Carrot Top is her pet name for the strap line.

Yeah, thank you.

It should be.

It's John.

Oh, no, don't put in there.

No, it'd be carrot-bottomed, probably.

You look like one.

Oh, my God.

I do.

I do.

You beat me.

Oh, no, no.

See, these Russia.

No, you're good.

Fuck.

Stray missiles just going everywhere over here.

Ike, you did it again.

Way to start the show.

Congratulations.

Go to Pushkin in San Diego.

One of the newest, biggest restaurants and hookah bars.

Pushkin, a kill tony, famous San Diego delight.

All right, this is where the real fun happens because this is where the whole thing can go off the rails.

Some of these people are some of the most promising comedians in the world, hoping and waiting for their chance.

Some are just nuts and crazy people, as you know.

Anything can happen.

Your first bucket pull tonight goes by the name of Sean Stewart, everybody.

Here we go.

Woo!

Howdy, howdy yo?

You guys drinking tonight?

Yeah,

drink one for me.

I've been sober nine months now.

Yeah,

don't worry, I still do drugs.

Right, right?

But I have found a loophole to drinking to where I can still drink without drinking.

You guys heard of boofing?

Right?

I shoved a buzzball up my ass last week.

It didn't work.

You got to open it first.

I really wish I would have found it out before I put a second one up there.

I just thought I had a really high tolerance.

Right?

There are benefits to boofing, though.

There are benefits to boofing.

Like,

one, you get drunk faster.

Two, you save money.

And three, I get to come.

All right, so many benefits to boofing.

So many benefits.

I don't know if you guys can tell I'm not very good with women.

There we go.

All right, Sean Stewart.

Good stuff.

Thank you.

Is this your first time on the show?

This is my fifth.

Wow.

Look at that.

Such a memorable character.

I guess not.

I guess not.

I took three months off, actually.

I tried to

get some new jokes and prepare a little bit.

You took three months off.

Yeah.

You just did open mics and stuff during that time?

No, I did it some I went out to Vegas, did a show or two out there.

Been trying to get around.

Did the Vulcan finally.

Almost two years into comedy now.

Okay, what do you do for work?

I'm about to leave my job, so I just want to say, fuck ATT.

Wow.

That's one way to do it.

Yeah.

I absolutely hate the company.

I've been there for two years after they outsourced my job to Mexico.

My goodness.

Yeah.

His phone just died.

You're like, what do you forget?

Nah, I have T-Mobile.

It's still cheaper, even with the discount.

Wow.

What did they do to you?

What did AT ⁇ T do to you?

Well, I worked in like tech support, and I trained Mexico to do my job like two years ago, and they took my job.

They didn't even come to America.

It was in Mexico City.

I trained them over Zoom.

Wow.

They didn't even fly you to Mexico for that?

Nope.

Damn.

Now I'm doing customer support, and I've been talking to like grandmothers for the past two years, and I'm very mean to your grandmother for no reason.

It's the company's fault, though.

What's your plan?

Where are you going to go after this?

No more AT ⁇ T?

What are you going to do now?

I've been doing photography for about a year or so, and I got a chance.

You're going to go broke.

No, no.

No.

Take pictures of other people that make more money than you.

I wouldn't leave unless I had like a good backup plan.

That's why I've been like stuck there for a year in therapy.

I started going to therapy because of the job was stressing me out so much.

Wow.

Yeah, it's your grandmothers really need to learn how to like reset a Google password.

A five-year-old can do it.

I've made some of them cry, and I'm not proud of it.

I feel like a bad person.

Well, I promise you,

the other people that answer those calls on the other side of the world are much more frustrating than you, probably.

Yeah, actually, people tell me, like, thank you for being so candid, because I'm like, the company doesn't care about you.

The company doesn't care about me.

They're like, I've been with the company for 15 years.

And I was like, I've been with a company for seven years, and I got rid of my job.

We're numbers on a graph, lady.

Do they know?

Is ATT on to you at all?

Or is this all going to be a big surprise?

This is shocking that he still has a job in the way, right?

It's been a year that I've been talking to customers like this.

I accidentally, I probably probably should I cussed one of them out by accident I forgot to mute my mic

Wow, it was 30 minutes all she needed to do was accept the terms and conditions and I go to mute my mic I was like I fucking hate you

I hate this fucking job.

Please fucking kill me.

And she's just like are you okay?

And I was like, oh

I wasn't muted.

Sorry about that.

I got lucky though.

She didn't report me because she thought I was talking about the computer.

And she's like, it's okay.

I fucking hate the internet too and these computers.

It's all right, sonny.

And I'm like, ah, thank God.

That's amazing, Sean.

What's the rest of your life like?

What do you do for fun?

Used to rock climb a bit.

I like going out in nature and hiking and stuff.

Boofing.

Boofing.

Yeah, and boofing.

And boofing.

I want to try boofing to Molly.

All right.

Hey, are you?

Have you really been sober for nine months?

Oh, from alcohol, yeah.

I had a like a

fucking shot.

I fucking question nine minutes.

I still smoke.

California's sober, but saying sober just makes you feel better about yourself.

It does?

Yeah.

Like, I should have a chip, too, I think.

Do you go to meetings?

How do you stay sober?

What's your trick?

I just stopped drinking.

I just don't buy drinks anymore.

I was in Vegas actually recently.

Didn't take any free drinks and I was gambling the whole time.

Oh, man.

I'm there.

I didn't see you.

I have a...

Can I do my drink?

Yeah, a character.

Can I do my drinking?

I just made this.

I may never tried this.

So why not do it on live television and live Kill Tony?

Oh, yeah.

People get drunk, right?

You're whatever.

You get drunk and guys punch the wall.

Uh-huh.

You probably punched a menu wall.

But guys are like, fuck, they break their hand.

They hit the wall.

They don't know this.

So there should be a beer with a stud finder.

So you know exactly where the.

Fucking bitch.

that might be the that might be the winner it won't go off if you wave it over me one in that's from a boofing standpoint the stunt finder is for the wall honestly

I prefer more like the blue moon size Have you ever actually boofed before?

You brought that up.

No, no, I haven't actually boofed.

I sat on like something by accident and it hurt and I don't really understand anal.

The old whoops boof.

No,

no, just like something like miss-oddly shaped, and I was like, ah, why do people do anal?

And I was like, it like hurts.

Heck yeah.

Let's go back to your love life for a second.

When's the last time you had a girlfriend or were with a girl or anything like that?

I recently got out of something like a month ago or so, and she has an expensive keyboard from me.

She was like a nerdy girl that was playing video games.

I was like, ah, I got an extra keyboard.

And then she just ghosted me.

Like a computer keyboard?

Yeah,

I want my keyboard back because we never even played video games together she just took my keyboard wow it sounds like it's time for a new episode of the nerds people core over here on the on the boofing side you might want to hit the first guy that was out here I think his wife's got some tips for you that she might be able to help you out yes

she can fit a lot in there or

you'd have to ask him

he seemed to enjoy it though so

Sean this girl that ended up with your fancy keyboard why did the relationship end What was the last straw there?

Can you give us a real example of what went wrong in that thing?

Really just fizzled out.

I kind of think I just committed too hard a little bit.

But she also posted the or like set it up as like, I only want a relationship.

I don't want to hook up.

And I was like, yeah, that's why I'm not really hooking up right now.

I'm not trying to get into anything.

And so opened myself up and thought we were going for that.

And it just didn't work out.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

She was young too, 22.

I'm 28.

So I was like, I wasn't trying to get into anything.

She just came over and was like talking to me a whole bunch and i was like yeah i guess we can go out this is very vulnerable for the show what the

i i mean yeah this is the show

this is the show you're on he's being shila boof

yeah

good comrade man

shila boof have you gotten a big joke book in your five times on the show there you go then you're all good there he goes sean stewart everybody we're gonna keep it moving along

sean stewart knocking it out.

On to the next one we go.

We're gonna keep it moving.

This is 60 seconds.

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Oh, my goodness.

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All right.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Holder, everyone.

Mike Holder.

Here we go.

Make some noise for Mike, everybody.

Thank you, guys, very much.

Thank you very much.

I'm not sure if you guys know who I am, but I'm on a lot of street signs.

It's a sign that say pedestrian crossing, and I'm saying it like this.

Thought you might recognize me with my clothes on, maybe not.

A couple phrases that piss me off.

I hate it when someone starts telling me a story, And halfway through, they say, anyway, long story short, then they continue to make the story longer.

My God, man.

Why do we call people who wake up at sunrise early birds?

As if they are late birds.

I thought all birds wake up early.

What do you think there's a bird somewhere waking up at 10 o'clock saying, oh shit, I missed my flight?

What never fucking happened?

Since they lock your phones away, I assume you haven't heard the news.

Earlier today, a group of chickens were protesting the use of hormones.

It was a peaceful protest, but some are raising canes.

In tragic news, a fatal shooting at a golf resort resulted in a hole in one and three handicaps.

It was tragic.

Regarding the Epstein scandal, honestly, all this time, I was never interested in seeing the list.

I just wanted to know why that place is still called the Virgin Islands.

There's not a single Virgin left.

That grandma shopped Mike Holder.

Mike Holder.

Surprisingly, not the bucket pool that works customer service for AT ⁇ T

Close I've worked sales for AT ⁇ T.

Huh?

I've worked sales for AT ⁇ T.

Are you fucking surprised?

This is my last job.

Wow.

Swear to God.

Wow.

Spot on.

Unbelievable.

AT ⁇ T HR has to put a lot of work to do when this episode comes out.

This guy's gone.

This guy's getting a promotion.

Mike Holder, how long have you been working for AT ⁇ T?

Less than a year.

Okay, how do you like it?

Did they treat you well?

Yeah, hang on.

Wow.

Look at this.

Isn't that amazing?

This is like actual their service.

You find out someone's got AT ⁇ T, one person hates it, the other person loves it.

It works for me.

I'm in sales, not in customer.

Oh, okay.

So you're the one selling the shitty devices that poor Sean has to defend and fix for everybody.

You got me.

Amazing.

How long have you been on stand-up, Mike?

Three years, three and a half years.

All of it here in Austin, Texas?

No, I started in Arizona.

Two and a half years in Arizona.

Is that where you're from?

No, I'm from Sudan.

I'm not American.

Sudan?

Oh, my goodness.

How long have you been in America?

A little over five years.

Little over five years.

Coming up for six years.

And you were born and raised in Sudan?

Born and raised in Saudi Arabia between there and Sudan.

Saudi Arabia.

Most of my life in Sudan, yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Look at that.

All right, so tell us about your times in Sudan and Saudi Arabia.

Oh, normal, I guess, from our standards.

Okay, when you say normal what do you mean exactly?

I mean it's it's a hard life there's a war-torn country now Sudan, but

can you tell us more about that?

There's a lot of Americans that have no idea where Sudan is on a map North Africa fun fact about Sudan we got more pyramids than Egypt.

You have what more pyramids than Egypt.

Okay.

Odd fact, but I guess that's the only thing that's good about it.

Alright.

It's a messed up country unfortunately.

It's North Africa.

War-torn because of political and we're we are cursed with resources.

Like what oil gold

red man.

Oh my god, how dare you do that?

No, don't play the fly noise.

That's not one of their many resources.

Were there a lot of flies where you were?

No.

No?

Oh, thank God, no.

All right, perfect.

You have a girlfriend, Mike?

Nope.

Single.

What type of girl are you into?

What are you looking for?

I don't know.

I just know it when I see it, to be honest.

I noticed when I asked that, you went like that with your hands as if they're like something a little bit on the finger something.

Trump supporter.

No, no, maybe a Trump supporter.

No.

Okay.

You just have no particular type?

No, to be honest,

I don't know.

You don't know?

Okay, European, maybe.

European.

Are you just saying a...

Are you just saying?

No, that's just Tento.

First thing that came to mind.

Have you never thought of this before?

I don't think about it.

I just know that I see it.

I don't know what to say.

Your last girlfriend, what did she look like?

British.

British.

She looked British.

She looked British.

no she was which means she probably i checked the dental record she's british right

got it

what else are you into mike you seem like a guy that has some interesting hobbies you have any special skills or talents other than i play soccer i guess that's a special talent in america uh-huh not really

that's more exciting he's on the sign

he's what he's on the sign

His opening joke, he's he's the kind of...

He didn't listen.

You know, I feel really bad for Triple H.

You can't see my fucking hair the whole time.

He can't see a damn thing.

It's very easy to see from your hair carrying a little bad.

I don't know if you know it.

It's like a perfect window.

It's like a light mist.

If I may say, I never would have expected to see Triple H and carrots up on.

I had a feeling.

We're always together.

What do you think?

I love it.

Mike, what's the most interesting thing about your life?

You've lived in Sudan, Saudi Arabia.

I mean, you got to tell us something.

You must have seen some crazy stuff or something, right?

I've seen some crazy, unfortunate stuff in Sudan, but honestly,

I'm just blessed to have traveled the world.

I'm just blessed.

You just completely skipped the question that I just asked on a live professional show.

It was well executed.

The question.

Make some shit up, dude.

Mike, you must have seen something interesting that Americans could never fathom in Sudan or Saudi Arabia.

Nothing at all.

Oh, red man, come on, Redman.

I'm trying, I don't know.

Nothing, you don't have an answer to that question.

Sad stories in Sudan about waiting for fuel for a whole day.

I don't know what to tell you, it's sad stories.

Waiting for waiting for fuel, waiting in line for fuel, waiting in line for bread.

We've all waited in line.

There was a long line at the Chevron the other day.

That's no big deal.

I've been through that.

I waited like 10 minutes.

Is that what it was like?

There was a car, there was some lady parked the wrong way at the pump.

Oh, so the pump was working.

You actually had gas.

Oh, you're blessed.

All right, Mike.

One of the most depressing bucket pools in the history of the show.

But fun times, you did it.

You got up.

Here's a little joke book.

Congratulations, Mike Holder, everyone.

We're flying through it tonight, everybody.

Can I, hey, Tony.

Yes.

Can I do...

Only because last time I was on the show, people say, how did you have a prop for everything?

You have a Sudan, Saudi Arabia super prop.

I wish I did.

But everyone talked about working for phone companies.

Uh-huh.

So I've got a phone one.

This is good.

Oh, it got quiet.

No, you like it.

This is a cell phone case, so your girlfriend or wife can't get into it when you go to bed at night.

Now, it was a Trump joe because he can't tweet, right?

Stop tweeting.

But it's better just that generic guys can't.

It's all fucking cracked and broke.

Thank you, American Airlines.

Just as a warning to you down here, like

take my advice, do not look directly into the box if you open it up again.

Just glanced in that thing, I fucking regret it.

I've made that mistake before.

It is very frightening over there.

There's some weird shit in here.

There's a lot of

boofable objects in that treasure chest.

No, there's some good ones.

There's some gibbons.

We're going to keep moving along here.

Maybe we'll get more out of Carrot Top's treasure chest in a bit.

Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute goes by the name of Matt Rivera, everybody.

Here we go.

Matt Rivera.

My grandpa just had a kid?

Yeah, it's actually pretty fucked up.

I don't think that old people should have kids after a certain point.

I think it's inconsiderate to the rest of your your family.

You know?

It really screws up your family tree.

Like, why the fuck do I have a two-year-old uncle?

It used to be you respect your uncle, now it's don't drop your uncle.

Also, he's not that different from a regular uncle, you know, very handsy.

He refuses to put down the bottle

And he sucks on my fingers too long.

Thank you.

Matt Rivera, Rock Solid Minute.

Welcome, welcome.

Thank you.

Happy to be here.

Have you been on this show before?

Yeah, I've been on twice.

Okay.

Remind us, what happened those last times you were on?

What were the highlights or low lights?

So the first time I got pulled was the day before election day, and I'm Puerto Rican.

Ah,

there was somehow there were like five Puerto Ricans pulled that episode.

Absolute anomaly showing how great God's sense of humor is.

Made no mathematical sense whatsoever.

So, you were one of those.

I remember that.

That was a big deal at the time.

Turns out you guys loved to vote for the correct candidate.

Did you vote?

We have a sense of humor.

Yeah, I did.

Good job.

Matt, what do you do for work?

I still work at an NADC burger.

Oh, nice.

Hell yeah.

One of the best burgers in the city.

No doubt about it.

Yeah, pretty solid.

You're a chef?

I am.

Yeah, I make burgers and fries and whatnot.

Hell yeah.

And they're very strategic about how they make a burger.

No adjustments allowed.

No, yep, they're just like, this is how it is.

Either take it or fuck off.

That's kind of

our thing.

That's amazing.

So what else is going on in life?

What have you been doing for fun?

I have been just

so rapidly producing shows, honestly.

I'm like

way too invested in comedy.

I produce shows every single day.

Wow.

Like, stand-up shows.

Stand-up comedy.

Storing it all around town, putting them on, beating people, selling it.

Yeah.

All right.

That's fun.

But to get away from it all, a non-stand-up thing, what do you do?

I like to do random shit that I wouldn't normally do.

Like go swimming.

Wow, look at that.

That is, I guess, random.

Where exactly are you swimming at?

Bar and Springs, usually on the free side.

All right.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Anything fun ever happen when you're out there swimming?

Well, the thing about the free side...

It's very slippery and there's a lot of pointsy rocks.

Keep going.

So you're essentially paying for the experience of

not slipping and bleeding in the water.

And I have diabetes, so it takes a little longer for me to heal.

How'd you get diabetes?

What was your snack of choice?

So I got diagnosed when I was 14 years old.

Keep with the fun music.

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah,

Yeah, diagnosed at 14.

I was eating those hostess donuts.

It's type one, though.

It's not like the fat kind.

I'm working on it.

Okay.

So how did you find out you were eating the hostess donuts and what, you passed out or something?

No, I just kept peeing a lot.

Then we went to Disney World the next week

and we tested my blood sugar and it was super high.

Wow.

You tested it at Disney?

Yeah, well,

you went to the happiest place on earth

to get your diabetes test.

That's a goofy decision.

I didn't go there.

It wasn't my intention.

It just like happened.

Hi, blood sugar.

You're going to lose a foot!

Yeah, you're gonna lose a foot!

Oh no!

You're gonna have this for the rest of your life!

How did they break the news to you?

Was it like that?

Was it at Disney World?

Was it like at the end of a ride or something?

Did they take a picture?

Like you're like at the top of the,

when the roller coaster goes down, you're like, no.

I thought you were there.

Why Disney?

I still don't get the Disney part.

Tony, you're acting like I chose that.

This is perfect.

Your parents have a great sense of humor.

Let's take him to Disney.

It'll soften the blow.

We know he's got it.

They had suspicions.

I just wonder, how the fuck does that even happen?

When you go to Disney, how do you find out that you have diabetes?

Like, what is the situation that takes place where people ask you the next day how is Disney fuck I got diabetes

I mean

have you seen what they serve for food and drinks yeah but it doesn't come with like an alarm when you eat it that's it but you just got diabetes like how did that come about oh well my mom is also diabetic so she kind of knew what to expect

that's what happened yeah so do you guys uh you guys have a a new diet plan what did what changed

let me ask you, though.

They don't go to fucking Disney anymore.

That's for sure.

I got a problem.

Perantops got

no, it's great.

I got a stand-up for this one.

Fuck.

Oh, here we go.

By the way, these legs don't come like that.

You got to work them.

Wow.

You know it's bad when Red Band goes, ew.

You got that fly noise again?

It's a towel when you go to Disney.

You can walk around the pool.

Hey, it's not all right.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Ah, fuck.

I don't know why I did that one, but.

That was perfect.

It seemed like the thing to do.

You know that picture is going to be on the internet of me sitting there looking at Territop shit hanging out of his towel.

Are you wearing a skirt?

No, it's shorts.

Your shorts.

No, they're short.

No, it's not a skirt.

I mean, I don't mind wearing it.

Of all the shit right here, that's what you picked up.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fucking, yeah.

No, it's your shorts.

They come in men's.

I didn't get them.

So the diabetes thing.

Yeah.

Awful.

Is that what that little thing is on your belly there?

Is that what I'm seeing?

Is that a little diabetes plug hole?

Oh yeah, it is.

Look at that.

Yeah, it's a film.

Burt Kreischer, everybody.

It's incredible.

Absolutely amazing.

So what do you do with that?

You just take that and pop the cap off and like pour cans of Coca-Cola in there or something?

No, so

it's a glucose monitor.

The other day I actually, I went into a bar and I got frizz and somebody thought I was wearing a wire.

Oh yeah.

What a terrible way to die.

You don't have to put it there, right?

Like, I've seen it on people's arms and stuff.

You don't have to put it there.

Yeah, but the thing about the arms is that if I'm changing my shirt, it'll snag and rip off, and they're really expensive to replace.

So I put it here where there's the least amount of activity.

That's good.

That's good.

That was great.

Amazing.

Amazing, Matt.

Well, fun times.

You got up again.

Congratulations.

You already have a big joke book?

I do.

I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, Matt.

Here you go.

Matt Roderick just put the real spot on a real show.

Boom.

Amazing.

There goes Matt.

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ABC Wednesdays, the Golden Bachelor is all new.

Hi, Mel.

Hello.

Former NFL star Mel Owens is looking for his second chance at love.

I'm hopeful that I'll find true love.

But these women are in a league of their own.

Mel has never been exposed to women like us.

I don't know how he can handle it all.

The Golden Bachelor season premiere.

Love, happiness, and fun.

Wednesdays, 9-8 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

All right, let's get another bucket pull up here.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only.

This looks like a first-time name if I've ever seen one.

It's Spencer Eskridge.

Spencer Eskridge.

Hi, I'm Spencer.

Yes, sir.

Spencer.

If I was born a girl, though, my mom said she was gonna name me Shay Lynn.

Whatever, my mom's name is Shana Lorine.

Her aunt's name is Shana Carroll.

So my first cousin, Shai Ann, has two belligerently insane aunt Shana's.

So,

Shana Lorene, right there in the middle, just so anal retentive, can't spell Shana Lorene without A-N-A-A-L.

Right there in the middle, but last time I took 250 milligrams of Sunshine LSD,

it was COVID.

I was dating a bad alcoholic, and

I put on a long skirt and let my fucking hair down, and there she was, Shaylin.

I watched Gone with the Wind for four and a half hours and just fucking cried my eyes out.

Being a woman is very gay.

That poor, poor Shaylin, though, bless her fucking heart.

Okay, you just stop right there.

All right.

Wow.

How long you been doing stand-up, Spencer?

A couple years on and off, mostly in North Houston.

Okay, all right.

How long have you been the world's best-fed pirate?

I did the same thing when you walked.

I'm glad you called it pirate.

Everybody's like, hey, you walk like Jesus.

I said, I'm going for fucking pirate, not prophet.

Somebody told you you look like Jesus?

I had a dude.

D-Madness, what did I tell you about talking to people before you feel them completely?

Nobody in the world thinks you look like Jesus.

Unless they're a true atheist.

That'll cause you to not believe in religion.

If Jesus came back and he's like, hey, it's me, I swear, I'm Spencer Eskridge.

people would be burning their Bibles in the streets.

I can't believe I bought into that bullshit for so long.

Triple H, this must be excited for you to see all the world's worst WWE superstars mashed into one character.

This looks like something that fucking Mick Foley would have living in a doghouse in his backyard.

You need rubber bands in your beard.

I had one earlier and it busted, and then somebody next to me was like, hey, I have a whole other little bag of rubber bands.

I said, wow, if that's not ordained by God himself.

And then that one broke too.

So here we are.

We just think the rubber bands.

I've got one.

Oh, cool.

All right.

Oh, nice.

Spencer.

Tell us about your life.

What exactly do you do for a living looking like that?

I manage a brewery a little east of Bastrop.

I got nominated for for best bartender in Bastrop County.

I'm still waiting on the results.

Wow.

When do you find out the results?

I feel like you're going to get your results when you go to Disney World.

They said November, and I'm like, that's quite a ways away.

It's online.

Don't we have the capacity to tally that in the moment?

Is it voting?

Yeah, it was online.

I had people from other places just use the zip code for our county.

But hey, they still voted for me.

What do you think makes you the best bartender in Bass Drop?

I won't shut up.

Oh, okay.

That's the worst.

Trauma dumping jokes about beer names.

It's

relentless.

It's about beer names.

Basically, the people there hoping they vote for him.

He gets a better job someplace else.

Yeah, exactly.

Maybe like ATT or something.

Right, yeah.

Yes.

So when you're doing this bartending, what's the craziest thing that has ever happened inside of one of your bars?

I found out

like one of my regulars was slapped by the mayor of

my town I bartend in.

It's Smithville.

Okay.

Just east of Bastrop.

They film like a lot of movies there.

And like they won't put in a Walmart or anything.

They keep it small and Texas like picturesque because Hope Floats was fucking filmed there and they have a real

acclimation to that movie but it's senseless there's been Brad Pitt movies filmed there I can't quite figure you out

you don't sound like or talk

you look like

you've had five therapists yeah two of them tried to fuck me wow tell us about that

They told you to lay down on a couch and you think they're trying to fuck you?

No, dude.

It was therapy they're doing he thinks they're doing SNM when they try to put a straitjacket on him let me just say if somebody says fuck you that doesn't mean they're trying to

tell us about these therapists trying to fuck you because I don't believe it

I need therapy I was just talking about I got caught with like nine grams of mushrooms in 2014 in Houston and they're like hey you want a second degree felony I said no they're like cool pee in the cup for two years did a deferred adjudication it's not on my shit but I had to have state sanctioned therapy the first lady denise i just cracked the egg a little and that bitch was like i'm retiring and so i got i got bounced between two young women 23 24 i'm gonna say their fucking names amanda

licenses no it's okay just tell us what they did no one cares about their names i'm I'm real thick-headed.

I don't know when people are flirting with me.

But they made it very apparent.

Because,

well, when Denise was like, I'm retiring, they're like, oh, we'll double team you and pass you back and forth for individual sessions.

And then I just be sitting on their couch and they're like, so how long have you been single?

They're asking you about your life.

No.

Yes.

They got.

Holy shit.

This is incredible.

You think your therapists are trying to fuck you because they're asking you questions like

a girl would if you're on a date?

Yeah, fuck, right?

In a different different way than you would.

As stupid as I am, I could tell something was weird.

And I knew what was weird when they didn't show up to work one day.

And then we found out they've both been fucking a 17-year-old in the program.

One of the ladies is engaged to a sheriff.

And they just stopped coming to the fucking counseling center.

And then the kid who was considered a victim of the system was getting them cocaine and all this shit.

We need names.

No, Paris, no.

Don't name any names, right?

We have to bleep it out.

Don't do it.

No, don't do it.

Jesus, don't do it, Spencer.

Don't do it.

So, everybody at court, when you get released from the program, you get a second to turn around and say something to the grand audience about your experience.

And everybody's like, what the fuck is he going to say?

He's been advised not to say shit.

And then he walks up in front of everybody and goes, well, it's been fun.

Walked out of the courtroom, a fucking legend.

He told me, he was was way too cool with me.

He's like, you know, they were trying to like, menage the trois, quat, whatever the fuck that shit is.

Me, you.

I'm like, this is weird.

Just go.

I don't need to know that.

I am already pee shy.

I'm already having a time with this shit as it is.

So you never had sex with any of the therapists, the female therapists.

You could have just left it at, you have never had sex.

Do you have an active sex life?

I have two kids.

Oh my god.

How old are your kids?

So, my daughter just turned two, my son just turned one on the sixth.

How often are you around these children?

Sundays through Wednesdays.

Much is a law.

Oh, yeah.

They're funny, dude.

I don't know how I got lucky the way I got lucky.

That is incredible.

How are they funny?

What do they do that?

Before, like, my daughter could talk, like, let me guess.

She tried to fuck you.

One time she looked at me and she was all like, da-da!

And I'm like, oh no, you don't.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh here it is.

Menage a trois.

She crawled to me.

Yeah.

I wanna go to bed.

Hey, stop trying to fuck me.

You're my little girl.

Don't do that, dude.

Everyone's trying to fuck me, dude.

The police got behind me.

They're like, pull over.

I'm like, not with mine, you don't.

Stop trying to fuck me, officer.

This one lady made me pee in a cup.

What's she doing with that urine?

So you peed in a cup for a couple years and you ended up getting off of everything?

You look like you peed in a mason jar for a couple years.

They're airtight.

You collect things.

What are your hobbies?

Witchcraft.

I don't know.

Really?

Yeah.

What's the craziest witchcraft thing you've ever tried?

I don't know.

I gave a palm reading and a tarot reading at Shakespeare's just now.

For fun.

What fun?

Do you even know what you're doing?

Yeah.

Does anyone?

Okay.

Yes, they do.

Clearly, you don't believe in your therapists.

But there are some pros out there.

Fun time, Spencer.

You're a very interesting character.

Congratulations.

Go raise those kids.

There he goes.

Spencer Eskridge.

Wow.

So many compelling characters come out of the bucket.

Your next comedian is one of those people that we found out of the bucket a long time ago.

We've watched him grow for years.

A very, very compelling character, a fan, or a fan favorite.

Make some noise for the return of the one and only Uncle Lazer.

As y'all know,

I was in a western about a year ago, and

it's gonna release a couple weeks.

And it had to rip in it.

And there's really not an acting class for rank, anybody ever r anybody before?

Exactly.

Well.

But they paid me 10 grand, so there I am on set getting ready to r.

And

I don't think you just go up to someone and go, hey, I'm going to rip you, you know.

I feel like you got to rough them up a little bit, soften the meat.

And I was working with this little French actress.

Fuck the French, you know.

And I'm asking her between sessions, I was like, hey, am I hitting you too hard?

Is there anything I could be doing better?

She smoked a little cigarette.

How long you been acting?

I said, about six hours.

She said, well, we're acting, so act.

When the director called action for the next take, I clotheslined that bitch into hell.

I said, I'm not a f ⁇ ing, my boyfriend is.

My name's Uncle Leslie.

I've been great.

All right, Uncle Lazer.

Very, very interesting set.

Is that true?

What?

The part?

Yeah, unfortunately.

So that was your scene in the movie?

Yeah.

I mean, I die before

I get to finish it, but

I was still hard the whole time.

Uncle Laser.

I ran up them stairs.

I got heartburn.

Sorry.

How do you feel, buddy?

You good?

Yeah,

I'm good.

No one knows what you're talking about.

So you want to explain to the people what you mean by you ran up the stairs?

I didn't know that I was next.

And so I had to...

Yeah, anyways, we're good.

That's great.

You're handling it like a real pro.

Absolutely perfect.

So what else is going on, Uncle Laser?

A very, very rape-heavy set.

We might actually have to create a quick-to-can I do a prop real quick.

I have a problem.

I have a problem.

Wait, really?

Yeah, it turns out if you say the word like twice in two minutes, like it just they.

I knew I should have said fucking grape.

I knew it.

Yeah, it's a thing.

You want to take it from the top?

No.

I'm kidding.

I know.

I'm out of breath.

Let's see what that carrot top's got something like.

I have a prop.

I don't know if it's rape related.

Oh, okay.

It's a purse

when women have a restraining order against a guy.

You can tell exactly how far to fucking stay away.

You know how many feet.

How many feet is it?

Yeah, exactly.

I have a lot of free time.

This is literally

fucking just, she's not amazing.

I can't believe how much you get paid to make these carrot top.

Like, I always thought they

have like the stable.

Who else has a purse with a tape measure in it?

Nobody.

As I've gotten closer to Carrotop, I realize he's just fucking super gluing two things.

He's managed to make $50 million just going,

let's put it together.

Well, wait a minute.

So if you like coffee and people drink coffee and they like writing things, look at this.

It's a sheriff with a coffee muck.

Take a sip.

You can write with that.

It's amazing.

No, they gotta make sense.

That's fucking look.

There's a lot of people that like smoking cigarettes and also knowing what the the temperature is.

I took a thermometer and I put it on a pack of cigarettes.

You can have a cigarette and go out the temperature at the same time.

I'm going to put that in the cigarette.

It's going to be doing in Vegas the next week.

Oh, I'm in the mood for a cigarette.

Oh, it's 73 degrees.

Perfect.

Absolutely amazing.

No, but you get fucked.

Oh, man.

There's more to it than that.

Like, here's ones.

No, just because you're being a fuckhead

So so Jesus So people like people

People like some people like toilet paper over the roll some people like it under right so see this is this is and this is clever fucker.

This is so if you want it under it goes under and if you want it over you flip it

That's not a fucking cigarette with a temperature

Yeah, that's amazing.

I'm going to leave all this here when I'm done, by the way.

It's just a loose toilet paper roll.

I mean,

it takes a little.

You're right.

You're right.

Some are different.

Some are different.

It's one of the best.

It's a few useful things in the box.

Yeah.

There's some

that was you're funny, by the way.

Yeah.

I'm sorry to cut you off with all my stupid shit.

Yeah.

We'll go through.

You wipe back to front or front to back?

I'd have people wipe me.

I don't know what

your ass.

So, laser, when does this movie come out?

Intoctober.

It's a series, like a six-part series.

Okay.

I'm only in that one episode.

All right, there you go.

You can beat it again.

We're going to have to beep through it.

Sorry.

We can beeping.

We're going to be one of these, so just don't say it anymore.

I won't say it.

It comes out in October.

What's it called?

An outlaw named Bob.

An outlaw named Bob.

Wow.

Sounds.

Yeah, it sounds made up.

I know.

I like it.

And they want to be the

better than fest, you know.

Oh, there it is again.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Everybody's coming.

It's gonna sound like a butt light with a stud finder connected to it.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Uncle Laser, what else is going on in your real life?

You're here.

Carrot Top, Triple H.

I gave you a little heads up because you're an old pal.

I warned you a few days ago you might want to be there on Monday.

And I told you who's coming.

And of course, like a real fucking

boy Mark Super fan.

You wore your DX shirt.

He dusted it off.

It's all up.

Listen, I actually planned my outfits out in advance, so this was

okay.

All right, I did wear it.

I did wear it.

All right.

Big fan.

I almost wore my leather jacket, too, dude.

Yeah.

Is there anything you want to say to the man himself?

Two-time Hall of Famer, ESPN, and WWE fully connected, coming together.

Two iconic brands.

WrestlePalooza, September 20th, John Cena versus Brock Lesnar.

Epic stuff, all created by the mastermind himself.

Triple H.

Is there anything you want to say to him?

Yes, actually, there is.

No, seriously, though.

I'm trying to.

Do you ever just miss it?

You miss just hitting somebody over the the head with a steel chair

or maybe a sludge hammer is your choice of weapon

it's all about the game

and how you play

uncle waits

yeah that was good true fan

We've been talking wrestling and comedy for a long time now.

Many a daytime.

can I ask a real question though

did you like being in the faction DX more than the solo stuff or did you have more fun with that like what what was what was your favorite part of your historic career the part where you remember that that was when I had the most fucking fun like creative freedom all that stuff DX is the crazy shit yeah

The heel stuff for me was always where I wanted to be in my career.

But if you're just saying just having a crazy time,

DX was just

roll up in that goddamn tank.

Come on, man.

it was it was just us thinking about what dumb shit can we do this week that did yeah and Vince just letting y'all fly with it at that time at first no and then once it started working

baby yeah once it started working we were we had kind of do what you want to do thing but at first it was we were threatened to get fired every week so I'm sure you get it

yep

he deals with the exact same thing Trust me it did not work at first for him either but he's it's been a common theme coming out here tonight, I feel like.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, Uncle Laser, you did it.

You got up again.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Tony.

Thank you, guys.

Coming back to the bucket we go.

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Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Ronaldo Mercado, everyone.

Here comes Ronaldo.

What's up, guys?

I've lived in Austin for about a year now.

I haven't been able to fit in yet.

I've lived here for a year.

Everybody here, they're hot.

People look good.

They care about diet, exercise.

Ugh.

That's why I like the rest of Texas.

I fit in in the rest of Texas.

Here in Austin, I wear an extra large.

I'll admit that this is an extra large t-shirt.

I weigh 225.

You can see my belly when I put my hands in the air.

Fuck you guys.

I don't care.

Okay?

In Austin, this is fat, but in the rest of Texas, I look pretty good, okay?

When I go down to San Antonio, I'm petite, okay?

All right?

I was here in Austin.

I had to ride a lime scooter last week.

I'm not proud of it, but I did.

I had to be somewhere fast, and I was on my lime scooter, and it's a bad look.

You can admit that.

The lime scooter is a bad look.

This?

It's a bad look, but I had to ride one out of necessity.

When I was on my lime scooter, another dude rode past me on his lime scooter.

And when he rode past me, he looked me in the eyes, and he gave me one of those.

Like it was a fucking Jeep thing.

Like we were in a club together.

Don't do that, okay?

Look, Look, if you give somebody a little wave on a motorcycle, hell's angels.

You give them a wave on a lime scooter, Charlie's Angels.

It's a lot different.

I think you can have a secret wave on the lime scooter.

The guys on the lime scooter can have a wave, but it's gotta be this right here.

There you go, all the way to the finish line.

Ronaldo Mercado with jokes all the way to the bear.

Good job, Ronaldo.

How long you been on stand-up now?

Uh I just hit seven years.

You were just on very recently, right?

Yeah, yeah, a couple months ago.

Okay.

Yeah.

How's it going?

Everything's good?

Yeah, everything's great, actually.

I work at the Sunset Strip now as a door guy.

Nice.

Congratulations.

Red Band's Club, a must-see all-entertainment spot, right?

Just a block away.

How's it been working there?

What's it like having Red Band as a boss?

Does he fart a lot?

Does he?

He's pretty chill.

He kind of comes and goes.

You know what I mean?

He just kind of comes by.

You say, well, I go, hey, Brian.

He goes, man.

That's him.

That's right.

12 and a half years of that every Monday with him.

See you next week.

Ronaldo, what are you doing for fun?

For fun?

Here,

I've been trying to go to more shows.

Music shows?

Yeah, hardcore shows, stuff like that.

I like to ride my bike.

I'm a BMX rider.

Oh, wow.

Look at you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a big boy for a BMX rider, huh?

I am a bit of a fat fuck, okay?

I will admit that I know

I have an app on my phone.

It's called Rocket Money.

Do you guys know about Rocket Money?

It's an app to keep track of your finances.

It sent me a notification, and it said, hey, Ronaldo, you spent 17% more this week than you normally do.

And then they sent me an emoji of a cheeseburger

to let me know that I ate so much fast food, it impacted my financial portfolio.

Wow.

Incredible.

What type of fast food are you getting into?

What's your favorite nowadays?

P.

Terry's Rules.

Wow.

Obviously.

That biggest pop from the crowd for P.

Terry.

terry's rules yes my goodness yeah i i uh i'm from the midwest we didn't have in and out they have in n-out here now it's pretty cool yeah i like that

anywhere else i can give you old school just normal old burger king mcdonald's midwest for sure yeah yeah yeah i definitely i like to okay i like i will engage i i'll ride home i'll drive like late at night you know and i'll stop at like a mcdonald's on the way home and then i'll get a double cheeseburger I'll get two double cheeseburgers.

Uh-oh.

And then I eat them before I get home, and then I don't tell my girlfriend about it.

That's fat fuck behavior.

Okay.

Wow.

Where do you keep, where on your body do you keep your glucose check?

Not diabetic yet.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Don't go to Disney.

Don't go to Disney.

It's going to be a t-shirt by the end of this.

Don't ever do that on your scooter again.

That's a good move.

Thanks.

Ronaldo, what's your love life like?

You have a girlfriend?

Yeah, yeah.

I've been in a relationship.

We've been together for for nine years now.

Wow, nine years.

What does she do?

She actually, she works box office here at the club.

She just started working here.

Wow.

Mothership.

Incredible.

Look at that.

Looks like you're going to be getting more P-Terries though.

Yeah,

we've been together nine years.

We don't really wear condoms or anything like that.

So I fucking...

Nine years?

Thank you.

Nine years.

Never worn a condom, never had a pregnancy scare.

I mean, I fucking, do I rule or what?

I kind of kill it at pulling out.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

I have fun with the pull-out.

You know?

Yeah.

I pull out, I comb it her belly button, I call it the kiddie pool.

I splash around in there

a little bit.

I get my little, my little P-Terry in there, and I

splash around in the front line.

You're a funny guy, Ronaldo.

You wanna.

Ronaldo, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

You get to perform at the company you work at.

Ronaldo Mercado, booked on the Secret

We're flying through it now.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

It's Aaron Silverstein.

This looks like a new name.

We love new names around here.

Aaron Silverstein is next.

Heck yeah, here he is.

Come on, make some noise for Aaron, everybody.

You've got your outdoor bugs.

And you've got your indoor bugs.

You've got bugs.

I've got bugs.

In other words, I've got bugs.

But it's the cheapest rent you can get.

You know, in Austin, you're looking through the pages.

You know, I'm trying to get the cheapest rent I can get.

Bugs.

Fucking Carrotop deer!

Oh no, no, I'm into it.

Who'd have thought dreams can come true?

Alright, Aaron Silverstein.

Unbelievable.

Normally, Silversteins are much better at show business than whatever they do.

I know, it's like they say

that we're the chosen people.

Uh-huh.

Well, it's now dumber.

There you go.

Aaron, how you doing, buddy?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm doing great.

How long have you been doing stand-ups?

Not long.

I'd be happy.

I fucking hope not.

Two hours.

You just started?

What made you want to start?

Just recently started.

Yeah.

You decided that you wanted to...

Let me guess.

You decided you wanted to get out of the corporate world forever.

You were sick of putting on a suit and tie every day.

I wish.

Okay, tell us about your life.

How did you end up like this?

Oh, God.

Hey, he owns ATT.

Yeah, you got that.

It's just a long story.

I've been around.

Okay.

I mean.

I can start it anywhere, Aaron.

If the interview is as bad as the set, this isn't going to last much longer, Aaron.

Oh, God.

Oh, sweet mother of God.

Colorado, actually.

Oh, that explains it all.

Okay, perfect.

What do you do for work?

I was a cannabis grower for a little while.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you smoke some of it?

I did.

You did?

I did.

Yeah.

How much exactly do you have to smoke before you just keep saying the word bugs over and over again?

Without any real setup or point or.

Aaron?

You have to say it.

Okay.

What's going on, buddy?

This is very surreal.

What are you on right now?

Did you drink before this?

They called it a Jeffrey.

What?

They called it a Jeffrey.

Who's they?

Who's they?

Aaron, over here, over here.

Who's they?

What are you talking about?

Just new friends.

Okay.

I've never felt safer, by the way, sitting next to Sappho.

I know.

You got closer to him.

Like, I got fucking Triple H.

I got this.

I'm serious.

I'm fucking, dude.

I feel fucking safe.

I don't think you exactly needed Triple H to beat the shit out of Aaron Silverstein.

I'm pretty sure you could kick him through that fucking brick wall over there.

Fucking carrot top, man.

Yeah, all right.

Unbelievable.

Okay, Aaron.

Most interesting thing about your life and your entire history, the craziest fun fact about Aaron Silverstein that we would find interesting on a big live show.

Now would be the time to say it into the tip of that red microphone.

I was a methed out superhero for a little while.

Explain to us what you mean by that.

This is an important part of the story.

Explain to us what you mean when you say you were a methed up superhero.

Well, I mean, it's a long story.

Well, why don't you make it make it a short story?

All right, well.

No, I mean, I just had a whole

fucking thing.

I was like,

I was the circuit.

That was your superhero name?

The circuit?

The circuit.

Okay, and what what did the circuit do

a lot of fucking drugs

You don't seem like a big meth head type I seem like a businessman I guess apparently

Well, it seems like somebody said yeah,

do you know what your fucking face looks like?

Do you only do drugs off of mirrors?

Do you ever look at them?

All right, Aaron.

You're out of your goddamn mind.

Yeah, you're well.

I love it.

Here's a little joke book.

Hey, thanks, man.

Boom.

There he goes.

Aaron Silverstein, everybody.

Wow.

One of the oddest characters.

I mean, you look like you would have been hilarious, by the way.

Bucks, come on.

There you go.

Aaron Silverstein.

Go the way you came.

He spent all his time on the professional Mike Grip.

Yeah.

But not on the jokes, yes.

Yeah, not at all.

I got to do one because it's too good.

Not the last guy.

That was just the other guy that said he came in his belly.

Uh-huh.

Okay, carrot top.

It's the Pee Me Herman doll.

Look at that.

Oh,

I famous.

It's a Pee Mee Herman dollar dollar dollar dollar

coming out of this with that.

Don't you dare shoot me.

I'm not going to do that.

I know better than that.

Here, I thought he was just attaching two things.

it's orange.

I did not plan that.

I love that.

Sorry for everything.

He's such a good sport.

All right.

Wow.

How do you top that?

The Pee Mee Herman Cummin Dahl.

I mean, we're going to have to find out.

I got another bucket pull here, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Cameron Mai, everybody.

It's Cameron Mai.

Yes, hello.

I had a polyamorous mom when I was a child.

And sometimes when I tell people that, they get very sad, which I don't understand.

Because to me, your childhood is just your childhood, you know.

I didn't really know mine was that different from anyone else's until I reflected on the number of stepdads.

And I love my stepdads, because they taught me that it really does take a village

to make my mom come.

You guys ever walk in on your parents' wrestling and it's the Royal Rumble match?

That's

a bit different.

Sometimes when

you tell people stuff like that about yourself, they get curious.

They want to know if you think it affected your sexuality today.

I don't think so, because I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship with my bidet.

We're going pretty strong.

But I definitely, I think it affected my sexuality like when I was growing up, you know, because

trying to jerk off with more than two parents

is like trying to assassinate the president today.

Because, like, realistically speaking, there's no way they didn't see me on that roof.

Boom, Cameron, my

talking about his polymom.

There it is.

That's the look.

I said to Triple H

after your Royal Rumble joke, I go, the funny thing is I don't even think he's seen you yet.

Oh, it's great.

The reaction was priceless.

The guy that actually controls the Royal Rumble.

Yeah.

It was a great one.

I'll call your mom.

Entrant number one.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

Everyone from your childhood, we have Triple H here and the monster that's been hiding under your bed.

Oh, man.

Cameron and I.

How old are you, Cameron?

I'm a 22-year-old open-mic comedian.

Well, we know that.

Yeah, we knew the last part.

22 years old.

You got a job?

Yeah, yeah.

I work at, well, you know, this is actually interesting.

I work at, you know, Elon Musk's Neuralink?

I work for their biggest competitor.

It's called Paradramics.

I'm a manufacturer.

I help manufacture brain-computer interface.

Wow.

Incredible.

The story of a young supervillain.

Stay away from the meth, or else you'll end up saying bugs over and over again.

Unbelievable.

Do you have one?

Do I have what?

Fuck no.

It's not, first of all, it's not meant for me.

The technology is like way behind on that.

But also, I would never get one even if it was for that.

Okay, wow, I see you don't work on the marketing team.

Incredible.

You know how like people that make Twitter don't let their kids use Twitter?

I don't know about that.

Okay.

Well, never mind then.

Cameron, you're 22 years old.

Tell us what you do for fun.

What are the 22-year-olds doing for fun nowadays?

Oh, man.

I know.

Here it is.

Sorry again.

Sorry again.

They're having a good old time.

They're in the splash zone.

They got spit on by Triple H an hour ago.

They've been having the time of their lives ever since.

Covered in, yeah.

Exercise, video games.

I'm pretty simple.

It's mostly stand-up.

I'm trying to commit myself to stand-up.

I love that.

How long have you been doing it already?

You're 20 years ago?

About four years.

Four years?

Wow.

That's a great start.

Not much can stop someone that started that young and works at it as hard as you.

Yeah.

You must have some hobbies though when you want to let loose a little bit.

What do you do?

You have a girlfriend or something?

I do have a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend that I love very much.

Oh wow.

Now we don't believe you.

That sounds suspicious when you say it like that.

Well, I do.

She yells at you sometimes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can tell.

That's why you have to be like, I love her very much.

Hostage situation over here.

I have a girlfriend.

I love her.

She's the best.

Yeah.

What has she yelled at you about in the past?

What have you done that made her upset?

Um, just being mean to her friends.

Ah, she has annoying friends, she has annoying friends that have never had like a man talk to them like they're not trying to fuck them.

Right.

She has hot friends, and I'm just treating them like they're regular people, and they're like, Why is he a dick?

Oh, that's hilarious.

I love this.

This sounds like pure honesty.

The crowd is responding.

It's fucking real!

This is real!

Amazing, amazing Cameron.

I love it.

And the girlfriend, what does she do?

Oh,

she's an editor for a lot of podcasts and stuff like that.

Oh.

She's a sniper.

She's going to fucking take him out after this.

She's just a video editor.

Amazing.

And you live here in Austin?

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

And that's it.

So working for this brain thing, what exactly do you do there?

I manufacture the parts.

It's hard to describe because like

I honestly, I signed an NDA and I don't know what I can say.

Yeah, you probably can't say any of it then.

Perfect.

We're going to save your job right now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Seriously, let's talk about it, but we're doing great.

Let's talk a little bit more about your slut mother.

Okay.

I really are.

I had one

too growing up.

She gets it and she can laugh about it.

Does she have a a good sense of humor?

Oh, she, that, I, the joke that I just told, that's her favorite joke.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, you know,

was there a lot of noises coming from the bedroom when you were a kid?

That's going to, I've never heard my parents fuck ever, actually.

I've only, so the most parents I've ever had in the, like, father figures, I had two stepdads at the same time.

They lived together.

They were just, the way my mom described it to me, it wasn't like she was just trying to fuck a bunch of people.

It was more like she just was able to fall in love with two people at the same time.

You know what I mean?

She had an open heart.

Yeah.

And flex.

That's what it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

That's great.

I love it.

Fucking great.

You had two stepdads at the same time.

Was there ever like a competition?

Did you have a favorite?

All right.

That's kind of rude to ask you

uh

no i think i i've managed to

um

i think i like my sister's dad more only because i lived with him longer right yeah okay what were the differences uh one was a white guy from america uh-huh one was a white guy from new zealand okay the suspense is killing us why you keep saying white guys when are we getting to the good shit?

Let's go.

One was an African prince from Nigeria.

They were just all white guys the whole time?

All honkies.

Damn.

Wow.

Built that up.

Yeah, you really did.

You built it up like you were getting somewhere good.

Like one of them was just going to be a straight-up fucking.

All right.

Well, there was only one.

Okay.

I wasn't even about to say that and I got nervous, Tony.

Jesus Christ.

Cameron, my.

Yeah.

So, you know, is your mom still with multiple boyfriends?

No, she's pretty monogamous now.

That's what happens to polyamorous people.

They start very open and love and they're like, oh, I want to fuck everybody.

And then they get on the other side and they're like, oh, fuck everybody.

Once you get old and your options dry up, yes, you're going to go back to one at a time.

You can't stay poly forever.

That's a thing.

Do you think that's affected your

sexuality growing up?

No.

your perception of love?

No,

I'm still a monogamous guy.

I definitely have the man instinct in me.

Like, I can feel when I see a hot chick, and I'm like, oh, if I was a piece of shit, I'd cheat on my girlfriend.

Well,

you almost made it out of this without getting in real trouble with your girlfriend.

That was the moment right there.

You better tell her how much you love her again.

Look at that camera right there.

That's the great Mega on Camera One.

Baby, I love you so much.

There you go.

Cameron, you have a big joke book?

Yeah.

All right, there you go.

You got it.

He's already got one.

Cameron, mine.

We're flying through it.

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All right.

Ooh, this definitely looks like a new name.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Doc Fairey.

Doc Fairey.

What a name.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, God.

I feel like everybody looking at me right now knows exactly who I voted for.

I like to ragdoll women in the bedroom.

Not very fond of women right now.

Me and my wife were arguing in the car.

She said, I wish you were nicer.

I said, bitch, I wish you were Asian.

I don't think either one of us is going to win this one.

She said, I wish you would talk to me the way you want to be talked to.

I said, oh, you want me to talk to you recordees?

How about a brother?

We ain't married anymore.

Not very fond of women, but I still have a fantasy.

It's pretty easy.

I want to date a black chick from the year 1868.

Now hear me out.

Hear me out.

It'll all make sense.

I know what you all are thinking, that whole thing, but let me educate you slavery officially ended in the year 1865 the only reason I wanted one from 68 because I heard them bitches was off the chain and that sounded like fun to me

thank you my name's Doc Wow Doc Berry's first appearance on the show

I've never seen people move out of the way in their lives than

your ass coming out trying to pull the Triple H spit move.

Before they were going open mouths, fucking, they were happy when he was doing it.

These people were dodging fucking

bullets over here.

Doc, welcome to the show.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Just short of two years, and this is my second time on the show.

Two years.

Second time on the show, really?

What happened your first time?

I did all right.

Interview went a lot better.

Talked about my slut third wife.

Okay, remind us, what happened with your slut third wife?

I was working in Afghanistan, and while I was gone, she was back here putting herself on Craigslist personals.

And she was having sex with a whole bunch of guys, usually five to seven at a time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And are you the last comedian's father?

Yeah.

You never know.

You never know.

Wow.

Okay, so that was about what, a year ago?

About two years ago, just short two.

You were on this show.

So how's life been going for the last two years?

You've been doing stand-up non-stop?

I have extreme anxiety, extreme ADHD, so I get out when I can.

I have problems getting to the club by myself

what do you mean by that

I'm a recluse I it's very hard for me to get out and meet people I to stand in front of this many people very comfortable back there dying that's amazing very interesting yeah very interesting tell us more about like what's the worst scenario that you've had where you're AD or whatever you think that is

whatever you diagnose that as yeah extreme what?

Social anxiety?

There's an extreme social anxiety that goes with it.

If you've ever seen like the signs and symptoms, I got all that stupid shit.

I don't like people telling me what to do.

You know, just weird shit.

But it kind of made sense when I look back at my life and say, oh, this is what the fuck is going on.

You know, I'm not retarded.

I have an issue.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay, so what do you, where do you think the song is?

You might be retarded.

We don't.

I know.

My bus only had six rows, but I thought that was because the route was short.

So where do you think all this anxiety and stuff comes from?

Did something happen to you?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

I was in the Army for 23 years.

I deployed three times with that.

After that, I

worked in Afghanistan for eight years.

I was a personal security medic for the ambassador over there.

So that was exciting bombs every,

like at least twice a week.

But when I was going through the retirement physical, they said, you have PTSD.

I said, I do.

They said, yep, but it's not from more.

It's from your ex-wives.

I got three of them.

Wow.

Yeah.

Three too many.

Wow.

PTSD.

The only thing worse than PTSD?

AT ⁇ T.

The running theme today.

Nobody likes that.

The theme of the night.

Interesting stuff, Doc.

How do you make a living?

You're just on.

Well, I'm retired right now.

Yeah.

And I also go to school.

I'm going to HVAC school in the mornings.

Nice.

And I got a property with seven air conditioning units, and I'm tired of paying $1,500 every time one breaks down.

So I said, I'm going to school to learn how to do it myself.

Hell yeah.

And you're learning.

Meh.

All right.

How about for fun?

What are you doing other than stand-up for fun?

I play beach volleyball a little bit.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, I would just...

Do I look that old?

You're full of surprises.

Really?

I do?

Yeah, you don't look like a beach volleyball guy.

Oh, I kind of, you know.

You have something for this one?

No, Tom,

I'm thinking of

a fucking Halloween.

No, I don't think I have.

No, fuck.

I don't know.

Let me see.

Fuck, I don't think I do.

No.

You have anything for my props are talking to me like, nothing, honey.

How about for a war veteran?

Anything for a war veteran?

A war veteran?

No, no.

My brother's retired military.

God bless the military.

I love my military.

We do do love the military.

I'm trying to think if I have anything.

Thank you.

I have a...

You said...

Now, don't cut this the wrong way and make me look bad, right?

Because you fuckers will do this.

No, we won't.

We made a joke about, he said the retarded word.

And I'm not going to say it's retarded.

It was a bank tube for rednecks that has a gun and a note inside the tube.

It would say, give me all your money or shoot yourself.

And send it over to us.

And you're like, oh, fuck.

You literally stole that from a bank, by the way.

No, I did.

The only way to get it.

No, I didn't.

No, I did.

No, my first, I swear to God, sorry, I interrupted your beautiful.

My first prop I ever did, and this is not a joke, is I stole a neighborhood crime watch today.

No, my first joke.

And I was in my dorm and my friend said, you're going to try to do comedy?

I said, you're not funny.

I said, I know.

But I had this sign, and I thought, what a great thing to open with, right?

I said, sorry, I'm late.

I was in the neighborhood, and everybody would laugh.

And I said, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking signs?

It takes 20 minutes to get that.

And then I started stealing shit.

I started going to the bank tubes.

I started stealing things from the airplane.

Look at this one.

This is great.

I stole this from the airplane.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, what's great about this is when you,

I forgot my own joke.

When you sit next to the guy in the airplane, you reach over, you wake him up and say, dude, we're going down.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for putting up with my dick.

It's amazing.

This crowd is amazing.

Yeah.

Doc, so interesting.

Sorry, I ain't fucked up about that.

Are the other comedians nice to you?

You're kind of older.

You're out there at the same time.

No one talks to me.

And so I'm not getting anything out of like doing open mics.

I'm getting no feedback.

I'm used to sitting in front of crowds, so I don't need it for that.

So I actually, on my property, I built a comedy club, and I do all my stand-up and everything in there by myself, and I have to trust that what I do is funny.

Really?

That's awesome.

That is amazing.

So I go through my head when I do jokes.

I allow myself with the ADHD, I go with it, and I daydream.

And I daydream about being on stage.

I daydream about my favorite comedians doing the same jokes that I'm writing and how they would do it and how they look.

And I can even see them do a joke and it's not funny.

It's not funny.

That's pretty awesome though.

I do it about myself and it's not funny.

Do you live stream it or anything so you can get some kind of feedback?

I am just, I just opened up a business with a partner and we are going to start doing live streaming, things like that.

So we're really starting to take off this coming month.

That's great.

You should have

the sound effect.

Sorry.

Which sound effect?

With a crowd screaming and you have your club built, right?

Oh, yeah.

and it's all mannequins and you have a sound effect of different I actually have mannequins

The last time you were on you just got a little joke book I got a medium joke book.

Well, I'll tell you what buddy you're moving up to a big joke

Doc Ferry everybody with his second appearance on the show

Showing some improvement.

Let's do a one last bucket pull, huh?

Let's Let's knock it out.

This looks like a fun name.

Make some noise for Jim Tally, everybody.

Jim Tally.

How y'all doing tonight?

Good?

Fuck yeah.

Austin has a lot of crazy homeless people.

This is a fact.

I swear to God, this is what happened to me.

I'm pumping gas the other day.

This homeless white lady's walking around the parking lot yelling.

He's a nigger.

He's a nigger.

Then she looks right at me.

You're a nigger.

And I fucking spazz.

I'm like, yo, who the fuck you think you're talking to?

Then she goes, oh, my bad.

I just wanted a cigarette.

What?

You got Tourette's, bitch?

The fuck?

She's like, what the fuck was that?

She's like, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean anything by it.

I love black people.

I can't swim neither.

Huh?

Bitch, if you don't take this new port.

I'm serious, man.

Speaking of cigarettes, I actually grew up in Africa and I started smoking cigarettes over there.

And y'all know those warning labels on the cigarettes?

Right?

Yeah, in Africa, that shit is fucking weird.

Like, I bought a pack of cigarettes over there.

That shit had a picture of flavor flavor on it.

I thought, I saw that flavor flavor.

I didn't know that ugly meant cancer, nigga.

I'm serious.

Like, imagine, like, they saw him go, yeah, boy.

And the Africans was like, put the picture.

It looks like rubbish.

Put the picture out.

My name is Jim Telly.

Thank you.

Jim Tally.

Holy Welcome back.

Hey, man, you know.

I've been doing the show a few times, right?

Yeah, yeah, just about two weeks ago.

Yeah.

lucky man.

I see, man.

Thank you for having me.

How's life been going?

How's it changed since the last time you were on?

I just saw Triple H now.

I just, I did too.

And Keratop?

And Reba McIntyre.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Jesus, man.

Good watching.

Wow.

Triple H, Ahmed Johnson.

Good reading.

Yeah, that's a crazy, crazy reference.

I ain't gonna lie, I've been getting John Jones a lot, and I don't like it.

Right.

I don't like it at all.

That makes sense.

I could see why that would be.

Yeah, Jim Telly.

So let's talk about it.

What's going on, man?

Tell us something you haven't heard.

You were just on two weeks ago.

Oh, shit.

I've been working a lot.

I've been working on some more impressions.

I've been actually working on an impression of you.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

All right.

Let's hear it.

Unbelievable.

We're really doing it, Red Red Band.

We're really doing it.

I ain't gonna lie, Tony kind of sounds like if a banana could talk.

Like a cartoon banana?

I'm just saying, all right.

That's a good impression, actually.

I thought.

Let's face it, if a banana could talk, that'd be the last friend you ever needed in the world, wouldn't it?

Shut up, you're gonna oh.

You're gonna oh,

you're gonna oh,

really?

Come on.

How good, nigga?

He's clapping.

That was good.

He's laughing.

All right, Jim.

That was good, nigga.

What are we missing here, though?

What other impressions have you been working on?

I could do a few impressions.

I could do Shannon Sharp.

I can do.

Wait, what is Shannon Sharp doing in this impression?

All right, here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Clip Saysay.

Today we're going to have him on our panelists.

He is the host of Kill Tony.

All right.

He is the most hated man in Puerto Rico.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tony, he's clear.

That's actually a good impression.

What else are you working on?

I don't know.

You could do like Mike Tyson, I think.

Wow.

White liberal lady out here.

Virtue signaling white lady can't help herself when a black man.

Do it.

Do it, black man.

Right?

Do what I say.

Damn, man.

Do it.

Say please next time, bitch.

All right.

I don't want to do this shit now, man.

I know, right?

They ruined everything.

Like, you weren't going to do it.

No.

Every other thing.

You said the name of the thing, and then you did it.

This lady wanted to feel like a boss.

Give her a new port.

Let's get out.

Jim, you got a big joke book last time you were.

Well, there you go.

It's been a couple weeks.

You got very lucky.

A couple bucket pulls were just done two weeks ago.

We did it, man.

There's only one place to go from here.

ladies and gentlemen.

We have a Hall of Fame while we're here with two-time, two-entry Hall of Fame member, Triple H, guest of the year nominee, Carrot Top.

Let me remind you, this episode is brought to you by Open Phone Prize Picks and Nicked.

And WWE and ESPN start September 20th.

John Cena versus Brock Lesnar at WrestlePalooza.

I mean, this is huge.

I've been watching wrestling my whole life.

ESPN and WWE combining forces.

completely insane.

It's unbelievable.

And we have a Hall of Famer.

This man has the record for most appearances all time.

Most interviews all time.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from a man some people call God's favorite comedian.

The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine.

This is William Montgomery.

I look like the love child of Triple H and Carrot Top after a passionate night of hot, steamy steroids.

Let's give it up for Kill Tony's very own Cam Patterson for joining the cast of Saturday Night Live.

My question is, did Saturday Night Live not see any of Cam's minutes on Kill Tony?

Like, is he going to get fired the first episode or the second episode when he screams the N-word for no reason?

I love Cam, but screaming the N-word is one of the least offensive things he said on Kill Tony.

Like, imagine his reaction when he learns a little bit more about Bo and Yang.

This N-word is gay and Asian?

Oh, hell no!

And I'm not going to lie, I'd love to be invited to join Saturday Night Live.

If Stephen Hawking invented a dime machine to the 90s,

meanwhile, Red Band's dumbass is still waiting to get a callback from the Gong Show.

Okay, that's my time.

Thank you.

Wow.

The powerhouse.

The undeniable closer of closers.

The big red machine lights out.

William Montgomery has done it again.

So nice to be here.

And Carrot Top, oh my gosh, I think it was 2003.

I was in the Memphis airport with my mama and my papa and my brother.

And I get a tap on my shoulder.

This is probably 2003.

I get a tap on my shoulder, and Carrot Top, it is you.

And I turn around and you say, What's up, brother?

And you shake my hand.

And it was the sweetest thing ever, and I appreciate it.

And Carrot Top, that taught me every time now I see a red-headed person, I say hello.

I try to be nice.

And Carrot Top, in 2006, I was working at the grocery store by my parents' house, and there's this beautiful red-headed woman that used to come into the store.

And one day I was like, oh my gosh, I love your hair.

I love your hair.

And she looks at me all weird and she's like, yeah, I've thought about data red at a person before, but I'm worried everybody would think it was my brother and feel sorry for me.

Oh, no.

So it's just sad.

So that's the end of that story.

It just maybe did like broke my heart.

Let me give you a hug.

Let me get a hug.

But thank you.

Karen's not really.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

My wallet.

It meant to lot though.

Hey, yeah,

when he said, what's up, brother, did your mom get really weird for me?

Yes.

You know, that sucks about getting older because I literally have people come to my show and they say, you fuck my mom.

Right?

And then it'll be soon, you fuck my grandma.

Or your grandpa blew me behind the dumpster.

You know, something, some shit like that.

That is incredible.

I didn't know redheads had a thing.

Well, we have a thing.

I heard about this with black guys.

We have shorts.

We have a head nod.

We wear shorts.

I didn't realize there was a redhead.

It's like their scooter wave.

That is so interesting.

That's great.

I know.

I wish I had a redheaded joke in here.

Do you have anything you want to do?

A Chucky Doll taped to a parking meter or something?

It's more fucking...

There's more thought process

than that, but I like that.

I'm going to have it next time I come back.

I'm going to have a Chuck E.

Doll tape to it.

What'd you say?

God met her.

You know, you have your...

Well, hold on a second.

Hold on.

Yeah, what do you have in there?

No, I don't know.

I'm trying to find something good.

Should we do the turbo round carrot top?

Anything we didn't get to tonight?

Well, this is kind of hold on, sockets caught.

So, so this is shut up,

so don't look at the secrets, Triple H.

Okay, so

so when you when people breastfeed their baby, right,

people get upset when they breastfeed their baby in public.

So, I made this so that way it just looks like you're holding,

right?

It's like, hey, hey,

yeah,

It's all, it's, it, it, right?

This up, you and I need to go on shark tank together.

Yes, we do.

Fuck we do.

I'm telling you, some of you,

some of this shit, I'm telling you, this is a master.

Here's one I could sell in shark tank, besides the toilet paper one, right?

That's fucking right.

This is real.

Like, when you, this is one of the very first jokes I thought came up with.

If you don't have time to vacuum your carpet, right?

It's really about the lines on the carpet.

It looks like you vacuumed.

So I used to do this when I was 12.

You'd take a carpet roller and roll it on the carpet, and it leaves the vacuum marks.

Wow.

And my mom's like, oh, you vacuumed.

Like, no, I just took a fucking carpet paint roller.

Wow.

I could tell that's one.

Shark tank, I'm telling you and me.

I could tell that's one of your first ones that you came up with because you hadn't realized yet that

you didn't even tape it to anything else.

It's just one thing back then.

Well, this is the, this is the, this is the early, and this is the

progression.

See, this is, it started with this bullshit, and then it came into really clever.

Could have just vacuumed also.

It would have taken the same amount of time.

I start thinking to myself, oh, this is pretty nice standing up here right now.

And then I just hear this monster at the edge of the fucking table.

It's Red Band.

Red Band and William Montgomery.

This rivalry is one that will be written about in the history books forever.

And Red Band, by the way, I get it.

You shaved your beard, but you still look fat, don't you?

I'm kidding!

Red Ban and William will settle the score at WrestlePalooza September 20th only on ESPN.

Oh, yeah.

Cena versus Lesnar, Montgomery versus Red Band.

And Red Band's mom's coming out with me!

And William has a tattoo of a dick on his chest.

Wait, what?

Wait, yeah, what?

Carrotop, we got anything else in the middle?

No,

I do, but no.

There's got to be something.

I see something

there.

This is good.

Fuck.

Come on.

If you set me up, it's not going to be good.

Yeah, it is.

I like to walk up to women and I say, do you recognize me?

And they say, no, and I said, how about now?

Or you could go that.

You can go, how about now?

I know that, dick.

Carrot top, hit me about the second part, aren't you?

You wouldn't put your penis through there, would you?

No, what?

No.

You wouldn't put your thing through there, would you?

No, not again.

Not again.

What else, Carrot Top?

We got it.

No, I think we've blown out the fucking whole thing.

These people love it.

Alright, okay.

Alright, now this one's pretty clever.

All right.

It's a little sensitive.

We love this.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

No, hold on a second.

Fucking no, look.

Sometimes we see it before you guys.

It's a little bit.

Now, this is one of my favorite ones.

This is one of my favorite ones.

I'm proud of this one.

So, gun control, right?

It's already sensitive.

Gun control.

I know how to fix gun control.

You can't shoot a gun unless Rubik's Cube has to be lined up just right.

So, you have to be smart to shoot somebody.

Like, I'm going to fucking motherfucker.

I'm going to kill you.

But you can't shoot.

By the time you figure it out, they're gone.

You are.

I think I'll end on that one.

I absolutely love it.

Did Did we announce that you and I are fighting at Meta Square?

Yeah, that's awesome.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

William, you ever use any props at all in your stand-up?

Why did some idiot laugh like that about that?

I don't know.

Is my notebook a prop?

I don't know, Tony.

My notebooks may be a prop.

That's kind of my problem.

All right, well, we're putting, we're near towards the end here.

Carrot Top, are you sure there's nothing else in there?

Oh, God.

They want holdings.

All right, so this is the final

all right, hold on, hold on.

All right, which one you want?

Just one quick one, okay.

No, it may be a couple.

All right, hold on.

Oh, wait, this is good.

This is a coffee cup for lesbians.

See, they can

see how did you almost not do that?

How did I not?

That's the best one.

How did I not almost do that?

That's fucking amazing.

How do you not fucking do that one?

Jesus.

That is unbelievable.

That's amazing.

The amount of care that he gives to his props.

Yeah.

Top shelf.

This thing is held together with tape.

It is.

And that's the promo right there.

She caught Keltoni on current.

Is that Ellen glasses?

Yeah, it says Ellen on the front.

That is a true lesbian mug.

That's a real, well, the horrible thing is it said Ellen on it because that was how old it was.

I would say it's Ellen's coffee cup.

I know, and then I got, and she said, why the fuck would you do it?

I said, I'm kidding.

I can change it to I can change it to Rosie.

I can change it to anything.

Yeah.

I can put your name on it.

It works for any lesbian.

That's amazing.

Any lesbian.

See, it was kind of a generic and then I forgot it said Ellen on it.

No, it's great.

It's fantastic.

Look at that, right?

Hey, next on NBC.

Is there anything else, Kara?

No, that's it.

We got to end on the good one.

They want more.

These people.

I'm telling you, Kara, you're up for guests of the year, and Rob Schneider laid it down.

Rob Schneider?

Yes.

You and Rob Schneider are neck to neck.

I'd be reaching deep in that thing if I was.

So this is Travis Kelsey's playbook, right?

Yeah.

That's not a joke.

It's actually...

That's his playbook, right?

Yeah.

God damn it.

This is their prenup.

That thing is thick.

Fucking right?

That is thick like my God.

That's amazingly topical.

That's very topical, right?

That's amazing.

We're mismaking

Ellen mug from 25 years ago.

Right?

So wait, hold on, so you go from old to current.

This one I made in your dressing room backstage.

That's amazing.

You think I'm kidding?

You think I'm kidding?

No, it doesn't work.

Okay, work.

That's amazing.

All the kids in my sweatshop work hourlessly behind

carrot tops, elves, hard at work.

There, that's it.

What do you guys think?

One more?

There must be one more.

Fuck!

the problem we need one more carrot my movie god

the problem is they're see i did the a shit earlier i don't know that ellen mug was a hit look it's even called carrot classics that's right

all right this is which one you all right hold on we're gonna end on the we're gonna end on this one this is pretty clever oh fuck

shark tank shit

I made

I made boots that have the soles reverse so you can't trace their steps.

Whoa!

That's actually fucking genius.

Yeah, I know.

Carrot Top.

It looks like I'm helping criminals, but that's...

That's amazing.

Where do people see you in Vegas, Carrot Top?

At the Luxor.

Every night.

Every night, Luxor Casino.

Every night at the Luxor.

I'm going tomorrow night, man.

Go see him and tell him afterwards.

Kill Tony sent you.

He's part of the Kill Tony universe.

One more time for Carrot Top, everybody.

everybody.

Brought to you by Open Phone Prize Picks and Nick.

Guys, it's a dream come true for me.

I'll tell you.

How loud can this place get for Triple H?

The great Paul Leveck running the WWE better than it's ever been.

They're now teamed up with ESPN.

Two of the most iconic brands in sports entertainment together at once.

Again, WrestlePalooza is September 20th.

Cena vs.

Lesnar.

Everything's going on.

All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service.

What an honor to have you, sir.

Amazing.

One more time for Carrotop.

Thank you, Levi.

One more time for William Montgomery.

We did it again.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-Belt is in.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Ooh, a Cam Patterson.

And that's about it, guys.

We did it again, Red Band.

Check out my fake band, Catbread7, on YouTube, Spotify, and everything.

Tickets are available now for the New Year's Eve Moody Center.

Kill Tony, our third year doing an arena in our hometown on New Year's Eve.

Tickets are still available for that.

That will sell out.

It's moving extremely fast.

So instead of coming up to me and saying, we always try to get tickets, but we never can.

Now's your one chance to do it.

New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas.

Do it.

God bless you guys.

Thank you so much.

Good night.

Mix the rice to Triple H and Carato.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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