#735 - TRIPLE H + CARROT TOP

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 3 Hey, this is Fred Rick Cody live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Edge.

Speaker 6 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 7 And that is, without a doubt, the best damn band in the land.

Speaker 8 Make some noise for him, everybody.

Speaker 9 Role the Lejo.

Speaker 10 Carlos Sosa.

Speaker 14 Nachos Belgrande, Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muelling, John Dees, and this is the great D-Madness, everybody.

Speaker 17 How exciting is this?

Speaker 18 When I tell you we have an unfucking believable show for you, I really mean it.

Speaker 19 And you're going to find out all about it when we get back from these fine messages from the sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 36 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 23 Every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world, two of the greatest entertainers.

Speaker 22 This week might be my finest work of my entire life.

Speaker 40 As I present to you, one of the greatest wrestlers, one of the greatest entertainers of all time,

Speaker 44 and a frontrunner for the 2025 Guest of the Year,

Speaker 20 at the same time, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Triple H and Carrot!

Speaker 47 Triple H

Speaker 47 Carrot Top

Speaker 48 Hold on, I gotta sit.

Speaker 49 We are in the old fuck's gotta sit here.

Speaker 50 Thank you, Triple.

Speaker 51 Thank you, buddy.

Speaker 36 Make some fucking noise for Triple H and Carrot Top.

Speaker 52 Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 We are in it.

Speaker 53 Triple H, the man, the myth, is here.

Speaker 23 WWE is now teamed up with ESPN, everybody.

Speaker 17 All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service.

Speaker 23 And Carrot Top is also here, lately.

Speaker 59 I'm also in wrestling.

Speaker 61 I just started.

Speaker 61 We just talked about it.

Speaker 47 We're going to do a little tag team thing later.

Speaker 64 Oh, shit.

Speaker 8 i'm gonna start drinking i'm gonna hydrate

Speaker 67 someone's gonna be buried alive and a in a chest full of pieces

Speaker 70 it is incredible to have you here it's like gallagher was here there's fucking water everywhere it's very exciting the greatest entrance in electricity and water history How you doing, Carrotop?

Speaker 72 I'm doing all right.

Speaker 72 I look great, right? I have three microphones on right now.

Speaker 73 I have three, I know.

Speaker 47 You don't want to miss them?

Speaker 74 Carrotop is the reason I am now bald.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 74 That was my future, and I was like, fuck it, I'm shaving.

Speaker 24 That's great.

Speaker 75 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 76 I love it.

Speaker 40 Carrotop, one of the front runners for the 2025 Guest of the Year.

Speaker 6 Man, that was a skiff competition this year.

Speaker 59 I'll fuck that up tonight. Trust me.
We'll fix that. We'll fix that.

Speaker 20 We're very excited to have you back.

Speaker 23 I see you brought your chest to fun stuff.

Speaker 57 Triple H's first time on the show, Triple H, giving every wrestler in the world their opportunities.

Speaker 17 He decides everything now.

Speaker 74 Everybody remembers their first time.

Speaker 66 That's right.

Speaker 82 Someone assuredly. Eventually, you'll know.

Speaker 17 Someone assuredly is going to have their first time here tonight because over 300 people signed up to be in this bucket.

Speaker 83 I pull a name.

Speaker 45 I hand it off.

Speaker 56 We wrangle them from a bar next door and they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 23 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them.

Speaker 18 And then I conduct an interview.

Speaker 85 The entire thing is improvised.

Speaker 18 They have no idea that they're going to be performing in front of Carrot Top and Triple H.

Speaker 11 So there's probably some people that took a little bit of mushrooms, having a few drinks over there.

Speaker 67 Just like, yeah, it's probably going to be a mellow show tonight.

Speaker 27 And they're probably going to think that they're tripping their balls off when they come out.

Speaker 29 and see Carrot Top and Triple H.

Speaker 20 In the meanwhile, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have the return of a really rock-solid comedian who's going to do the first minute of the night.

Speaker 21 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Ike Gazaman.

Speaker 47 Everybody, it's Ike!

Speaker 93 Austin, make some fucking noise!

Speaker 94 Muslim countries

Speaker 94 don't have strip clubs because women don't dance when you throw rocks at them.

Speaker 94 Kamala Harris does not use the N-word because she isn't black.

Speaker 95 She's Indian.

Speaker 95 Indians don't use the N-word unless their liquor store is being robbed.

Speaker 97 This last joke is going to be a really fucked up one.

Speaker 95 So I'm from Russia.

Speaker 94 That's not the fucked up part.

Speaker 95 Does anyone know how to say book in Russian?

Speaker 94 Kniga.

Speaker 94 K-N-I-G-A. Kniga.

Speaker 95 I know it sounds a lot like the N-word.

Speaker 95 And you see, Russians in the U.S. are fucking sneaky.

Speaker 94 Anytime they want to use the N-word in public, they say book in English.

Speaker 94 For example,

Speaker 97 that book had over a thousand bottles of baby oil in his house.

Speaker 94 Austin, you're fucking great.

Speaker 4 Thank you so much.

Speaker 99 Ike, how do you say your last name again?

Speaker 36 Gazarian. Gazarian.

Speaker 51 Almost, Gazarian.

Speaker 100 Gazarian.

Speaker 95 It's Armenian.

Speaker 101 Okay. All right.
You're everything.

Speaker 12 Russian, Armenian, unlikable.

Speaker 78 I love it.

Speaker 88 Welcome back to the show, Ike.

Speaker 102 That was very Russian of you because there were definitely some

Speaker 71 civilians being being bombed at some parts of that set

Speaker 63 but welcome back your famous character in the universe because you have a a hookah bar slash restaurant in San Diego that we once read the reviews of

Speaker 38 And it turns out that we took what was a very struggling business at the time.

Speaker 57 You were about to go bankrupt and everything.

Speaker 56 And we read the reviews on the show.

Speaker 23 And from what I understand, business has 100% turned around and it's one of the busiest restaurants in San Diego now.

Speaker 18 Am I correct?

Speaker 95 That is fucking true.

Speaker 93 Kill Tony fans are fucking awesome.

Speaker 95 I had 1,100 reviews that took me 10 years to get. You guys left 2,500 in the first two days

Speaker 95 and Yelp fucking blocked me

Speaker 104 for three months.

Speaker 97 But it was great because I could talk shit to all those shitty customers and they couldn't leave a review, man.

Speaker 81 It was fucking amazing.

Speaker 31 I loved it, Tony.

Speaker 38 Incredible.

Speaker 41 So business is good.

Speaker 70 Business is boob and the hookah bar part is good.

Speaker 23 What was the famous line? You can't smoke ash?

Speaker 97 And your review is a lie. Yes, sir.

Speaker 17 So tell us more about it.

Speaker 88 Was it immediate, the change?

Speaker 107 Dude, right away. Yeah, people are.

Speaker 51 Right away.

Speaker 95 The moment the show came up,

Speaker 95 thousands of reviews just piling in, piling in. I couldn't even read them on time because Yup kept fucking deleting them non-stop and so did Google.

Speaker 97 But it wasn't about that, it was amazing.

Speaker 95 Kill Tony Bump is real, you guys. The show really has changed my life.

Speaker 95 I almost went fucking broke, and you guys really did something.

Speaker 57 How about the comedy?

Speaker 71 How's the comedy been going since then?

Speaker 62 Is the comedy

Speaker 28 are you just selling baklaba and

Speaker 95 the comedy's been doing great. I just came back from a tour today.
I did a Russian tour.

Speaker 33 Sorry, guys, it's a Russian tour.

Speaker 94 But hopefully, I'll start doing more English tours.

Speaker 95 Local comedy clubs love me. I've been performing, doing 25, 30 minute sets.
I've yet to do an hour, but I will.

Speaker 110 Okay.

Speaker 94 I have the material for it.

Speaker 80 Turn into a super villain real quick.

Speaker 74 I have fucking material.

Speaker 65 Well,

Speaker 103 I might do an hour

Speaker 44 if you live long enough to hear it all.

Speaker 62 Carrotop, what do you think about this?

Speaker 59 I'm trying to if I have a Russian prop.

Speaker 113 I don't think I have a Russian.

Speaker 59 I don't have a Russian nothing prop, but I...

Speaker 112 Just pull it. I have a.
Wait, I have one.

Speaker 101 There's anything.

Speaker 59 Here's the Cowboys' new helmet right there. That's new Cowboys.

Speaker 99 I mean, it's...

Speaker 59 I mean,

Speaker 8 it's close to Russia, right?

Speaker 96 Cowboy shirt.

Speaker 8 I probably shouldn't.

Speaker 59 We're in Texas. I should probably put that.

Speaker 67 No, that's hilarious.

Speaker 62 We love trashing the Cowboys.

Speaker 59 It could have been any of the helmet, by the way. I was coming here.

Speaker 79 No, trust me, it works for the Cowboys.

Speaker 80 you nailed it

Speaker 116 Ike what else is going on love life's good still with the wife still with the wife wife still believe

Speaker 95 how is she is she happy with your performance here and the new money coming in she's she's ecstatic she's uh cheering for me she knows i'm here tonight and i have the best fucking wife in the world man she

Speaker 9 She lets me thank you guys.

Speaker 93 She lets me go on tours.

Speaker 97 She watches both of our kids while I'm gone.

Speaker 94 Well, I have a mother-in-law.

Speaker 66 She was a fucking bitch, but

Speaker 64 she helps.

Speaker 23 Is the wife super Russian, too?

Speaker 95 She's Asian Russian. She's one of them Asian Russians.

Speaker 94 She's from Siberia.

Speaker 94 So fucking up north.

Speaker 95 It's minus 60 Fahrenheit over there in the winter for like nine months of the year.

Speaker 94 So she's happy in Sandy.

Speaker 70 She's like a tough lady. She calls you a pussy a lot.

Speaker 97 I'll tell her I'll send her back if she doesn't fucking act right.

Speaker 55 Is she a tough lady though?

Speaker 84 Can you give an example of like where you realize like wow, I'm with a Siberian, Russian, Asian.

Speaker 94 The strap-on.

Speaker 94 I'm not kidding, I guess.

Speaker 74 There's no Russian with that.

Speaker 101 That's why

Speaker 81 take your time.

Speaker 59 That's why I questioned wife earlier.

Speaker 82 I mean, I was on that already.

Speaker 62 Hello, Carrot Top.

Speaker 51 Hello, how are you?

Speaker 119 In Russia, wife, fuck you from behind.

Speaker 74 Which is funny because Carrot Top is her pet name for the strap line.

Speaker 47 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 82 It should be.

Speaker 121 It's John.

Speaker 81 Oh, no, don't put in there.

Speaker 59 No, it'd be carrot-bottomed, probably.

Speaker 94 You look like one.

Speaker 31 Oh, my God. I do.
I do.

Speaker 104 You beat me.

Speaker 64 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 50 See, these Russia.

Speaker 73 No, you're good. Fuck.

Speaker 29 Stray missiles just going everywhere over here.

Speaker 126 Ike, you did it again.

Speaker 38 Way to start the show.

Speaker 81 Congratulations.

Speaker 6 Go to Pushkin in San Diego.

Speaker 14 One of the newest, biggest restaurants and hookah bars.

Speaker 20 Pushkin, a kill tony, famous San Diego delight.

Speaker 20 All right, this is where the real fun happens because this is where the whole thing can go off the rails.

Speaker 44 Some of these people are some of the most promising comedians in the world, hoping and waiting for their chance.

Speaker 113 Some are just nuts and crazy people, as you know.

Speaker 44 Anything can happen. Your first bucket pull tonight goes by the name of Sean Stewart, everybody.

Speaker 113 Here we go.

Speaker 113 Woo! Howdy, howdy yo?

Speaker 128 You guys drinking tonight?

Speaker 128 Yeah,

Speaker 128 drink one for me. I've been sober nine months now.

Speaker 106 Yeah,

Speaker 128 don't worry, I still do drugs.

Speaker 107 Right, right?

Speaker 128 But I have found a loophole to drinking to where I can still drink without drinking. You guys heard of boofing?

Speaker 51 Right?

Speaker 31 I shoved a buzzball up my ass last week.

Speaker 128 It didn't work.

Speaker 128 You got to open it first.

Speaker 128 I really wish I would have found it out before I put a second one up there.

Speaker 128 I just thought I had a really high tolerance.

Speaker 91 Right?

Speaker 128 There are benefits to boofing, though. There are benefits to boofing.
Like,

Speaker 128 one, you get drunk faster. Two, you save money.
And three, I get to come.

Speaker 128 All right, so many benefits to boofing. So many benefits.
I don't know if you guys can tell I'm not very good with women.

Speaker 128 There we go.

Speaker 81 All right, Sean Stewart.

Speaker 115 Good stuff. Thank you.

Speaker 85 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 128 This is my fifth.

Speaker 51 Wow. Look at that.

Speaker 12 Such a memorable character.

Speaker 130 I guess not. I guess not.

Speaker 128 I took three months off, actually. I tried to

Speaker 128 get some new jokes and prepare a little bit.

Speaker 23 You took three months off. Yeah.
You just did open mics and stuff during that time?

Speaker 128 No, I did it some I went out to Vegas, did a show or two out there.

Speaker 128 Been trying to get around.

Speaker 128 Did the Vulcan finally. Almost two years into comedy now.

Speaker 131 Okay, what do you do for work?

Speaker 128 I'm about to leave my job, so I just want to say, fuck ATT.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 6 That's one way to do it. Yeah.

Speaker 128 I absolutely hate the company. I've been there for two years after they outsourced my job to Mexico.

Speaker 101 My goodness.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 61 His phone just died.

Speaker 82 You're like, what do you forget?

Speaker 132 Nah, I have T-Mobile.

Speaker 31 It's still cheaper, even with the discount.

Speaker 64 Wow.

Speaker 31 What did they do to you? What did AT ⁇ T do to you?

Speaker 128 Well, I worked in like tech support, and I trained Mexico to do my job like two years ago, and they took my job. They didn't even come to America.
It was in Mexico City. I trained them over Zoom.

Speaker 101 Wow.

Speaker 56 They didn't even fly you to Mexico for that?

Speaker 23 Nope.

Speaker 66 Damn.

Speaker 128 Now I'm doing customer support, and I've been talking to like grandmothers for the past two years, and I'm very mean to your grandmother for no reason.

Speaker 31 It's the company's fault, though.

Speaker 23 What's your plan? Where are you going to go after this?

Speaker 25 No more AT ⁇ T?

Speaker 128 What are you going to do now? I've been doing photography for about a year or so, and I got a chance.

Speaker 51 You're going to go broke.

Speaker 92 No, no.

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 18 Take pictures of other people that make more money than you.

Speaker 128 I wouldn't leave unless I had like a good backup plan. That's why I've been like stuck there for a year in therapy.

Speaker 128 I started going to therapy because of the job was stressing me out so much.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 128 Yeah, it's your grandmothers really need to learn how to like reset a Google password.

Speaker 128 A five-year-old can do it. I've made some of them cry, and I'm not proud of it.
I feel like a bad person.

Speaker 71 Well, I promise you,

Speaker 29 the other people that answer those calls on the other side of the world are much more frustrating than you, probably.

Speaker 128 Yeah, actually, people tell me, like, thank you for being so candid, because I'm like, the company doesn't care about you. The company doesn't care about me.

Speaker 128 They're like, I've been with the company for 15 years. And I was like, I've been with a company for seven years, and I got rid of my job.

Speaker 81 We're numbers on a graph, lady.

Speaker 15 Do they know?

Speaker 103 Is ATT on to you at all?

Speaker 90 Or is this all going to be a big surprise?

Speaker 74 This is shocking that he still has a job in the way, right?

Speaker 128 It's been a year that I've been talking to customers like this. I accidentally, I probably probably should I cussed one of them out by accident I forgot to mute my mic

Speaker 128 Wow, it was 30 minutes all she needed to do was accept the terms and conditions and I go to mute my mic I was like I fucking hate you

Speaker 128 I hate this fucking job. Please fucking kill me.
And she's just like are you okay?

Speaker 51 And I was like, oh

Speaker 128 I wasn't muted. Sorry about that.

Speaker 128 I got lucky though. She didn't report me because she thought I was talking about the computer.
And she's like, it's okay. I fucking hate the internet too and these computers.
It's all right, sonny.

Speaker 136 And I'm like, ah, thank God.

Speaker 90 That's amazing, Sean.

Speaker 79 What's the rest of your life like?

Speaker 18 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 128 Used to rock climb a bit. I like going out in nature and hiking and stuff.
Boofing.

Speaker 106 Boofing.

Speaker 107 Yeah, and boofing.

Speaker 128 And boofing. I want to try boofing to Molly.

Speaker 9 All right.

Speaker 134 Hey, are you?

Speaker 47 Have you really been sober for nine months?

Speaker 128 Oh, from alcohol, yeah. I had a like a

Speaker 101 fucking shot.

Speaker 74 I fucking question nine minutes.

Speaker 128 I still smoke. California's sober, but saying sober just makes you feel better about yourself.

Speaker 90 It does? Yeah.

Speaker 128 Like, I should have a chip, too, I think.

Speaker 28 Do you go to meetings?

Speaker 23 How do you stay sober?

Speaker 71 What's your trick?

Speaker 81 I just stopped drinking.

Speaker 128 I just don't buy drinks anymore.

Speaker 128 I was in Vegas actually recently. Didn't take any free drinks and I was gambling the whole time.
Oh, man.

Speaker 59 I'm there. I didn't see you.
I have a...

Speaker 82 Can I do my drink?

Speaker 137 Yeah, a character.

Speaker 59 Can I do my drinking? I just made this. I may never tried this.
So why not do it on live television and live Kill Tony?

Speaker 61 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 82 People get drunk, right?

Speaker 59 You're whatever. You get drunk and guys punch the wall.
Uh-huh. You probably punched a menu wall.

Speaker 59 But guys are like, fuck, they break their hand. They hit the wall.
They don't know this. So there should be a beer with a stud finder.

Speaker 61 So you know exactly where the.

Speaker 6 Fucking bitch.

Speaker 59 that might be the that might be the winner it won't go off if you wave it over me one in that's from a boofing standpoint the stunt finder is for the wall honestly

Speaker 128 I prefer more like the blue moon size Have you ever actually boofed before?

Speaker 101 You brought that up.

Speaker 128 No, no, I haven't actually boofed. I sat on like something by accident and it hurt and I don't really understand anal.

Speaker 87 The old whoops boof.

Speaker 51 No,

Speaker 128 no, just like something like miss-oddly shaped, and I was like, ah, why do people do anal? And I was like, it like hurts.

Speaker 106 Heck yeah.

Speaker 84 Let's go back to your love life for a second.

Speaker 91 When's the last time you had a girlfriend or were with a girl or anything like that?

Speaker 128 I recently got out of something like a month ago or so, and she has an expensive keyboard from me.

Speaker 128 She was like a nerdy girl that was playing video games. I was like, ah, I got an extra keyboard.

Speaker 31 And then she just ghosted me.

Speaker 79 Like a computer keyboard?

Speaker 128 Yeah,

Speaker 74 I want my keyboard back because we never even played video games together she just took my keyboard wow it sounds like it's time for a new episode of the nerds people core over here on the on the boofing side you might want to hit the first guy that was out here I think his wife's got some tips for you that she might be able to help you out yes

Speaker 128 she can fit a lot in there or

Speaker 101 you'd have to ask him

Speaker 101 he seemed to enjoy it though so

Speaker 56 Sean this girl that ended up with your fancy keyboard why did the relationship end What was the last straw there?

Speaker 140 Can you give us a real example of what went wrong in that thing?

Speaker 128 Really just fizzled out. I kind of think I just committed too hard a little bit.
But she also posted the or like set it up as like, I only want a relationship. I don't want to hook up.

Speaker 128 And I was like, yeah, that's why I'm not really hooking up right now. I'm not trying to get into anything.
And so opened myself up and thought we were going for that. And it just didn't work out.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 52 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 128 She was young too, 22. I'm 28.
So I was like, I wasn't trying to get into anything.

Speaker 128 She just came over and was like talking to me a whole bunch and i was like yeah i guess we can go out this is very vulnerable for the show what the

Speaker 71 i i mean yeah this is the show

Speaker 75 this is the show you're on he's being shila boof

Speaker 66 yeah

Speaker 47 good comrade man

Speaker 133 shila boof have you gotten a big joke book in your five times on the show there you go then you're all good there he goes sean stewart everybody we're gonna keep it moving along

Speaker 142 sean stewart knocking it out.

Speaker 126 On to the next one we go. We're gonna keep it moving.
This is 60 seconds.

Speaker 6 Oh, the lovely Heidi is here, everybody.

Speaker 44 Oh, my goodness. Best drinks in the world, no matter what it may be.

Speaker 17 When she makes it, there's nothing better.

Speaker 62 Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

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Speaker 83 All right.

Speaker 44 Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Holder, everyone.

Speaker 22 Mike Holder.

Speaker 47 Here we go.

Speaker 113 Make some noise for Mike, everybody.

Speaker 146 Thank you, guys, very much. Thank you very much.
I'm not sure if you guys know who I am, but I'm on a lot of street signs. It's a sign that say pedestrian crossing, and I'm saying it like this.

Speaker 146 Thought you might recognize me with my clothes on, maybe not.

Speaker 146 A couple phrases that piss me off. I hate it when someone starts telling me a story, And halfway through, they say, anyway, long story short, then they continue to make the story longer.

Speaker 101 My God, man.

Speaker 146 Why do we call people who wake up at sunrise early birds? As if they are late birds.

Speaker 50 I thought all birds wake up early.

Speaker 146 What do you think there's a bird somewhere waking up at 10 o'clock saying, oh shit, I missed my flight?

Speaker 131 What never fucking happened?

Speaker 146 Since they lock your phones away, I assume you haven't heard the news. Earlier today, a group of chickens were protesting the use of hormones.
It was a peaceful protest, but some are raising canes.

Speaker 146 In tragic news, a fatal shooting at a golf resort resulted in a hole in one and three handicaps. It was tragic.

Speaker 146 Regarding the Epstein scandal, honestly, all this time, I was never interested in seeing the list.

Speaker 146 I just wanted to know why that place is still called the Virgin Islands.

Speaker 137 There's not a single Virgin left.

Speaker 146 That grandma shopped Mike Holder.

Speaker 138 Mike Holder.

Speaker 147 Surprisingly, not the bucket pool that works customer service for AT ⁇ T

Speaker 146 Close I've worked sales for AT ⁇ T. Huh? I've worked sales for AT ⁇ T.

Speaker 49 Are you fucking surprised?

Speaker 37 This is my last job. Wow.
Swear to God.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 146 Spot on.

Speaker 53 Unbelievable.

Speaker 89 AT ⁇ T HR has to put a lot of work to do when this episode comes out.

Speaker 57 This guy's gone.

Speaker 62 This guy's getting a promotion.

Speaker 23 Mike Holder, how long have you been working for AT ⁇ T?

Speaker 146 Less than a year.

Speaker 31 Okay, how do you like it? Did they treat you well? Yeah, hang on.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 121 Look at this.

Speaker 19 Isn't that amazing?

Speaker 105 This is like actual their service.

Speaker 38 You find out someone's got AT ⁇ T, one person hates it, the other person loves it.

Speaker 58 It works for me.

Speaker 146 I'm in sales, not in customer.

Speaker 32 Oh, okay.

Speaker 62 So you're the one selling the shitty devices that poor Sean has to defend and fix for everybody.

Speaker 26 You got me.

Speaker 51 Amazing.

Speaker 71 How long have you been on stand-up, Mike?

Speaker 146 Three years, three and a half years.

Speaker 23 All of it here in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 146 No, I started in Arizona.

Speaker 146 Two and a half years in Arizona. Is that where you're from? No, I'm from Sudan.
I'm not American.

Speaker 110 Sudan?

Speaker 23 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 62 How long have you been in America?

Speaker 146 A little over five years. Little over five years.
Coming up for six years.

Speaker 23 And you were born and raised in Sudan?

Speaker 146 Born and raised in Saudi Arabia between there and Sudan. Saudi Arabia.
Most of my life in Sudan, yeah.

Speaker 140 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 110 Look at that.

Speaker 23 All right, so tell us about your times in Sudan and Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 146 Oh, normal, I guess, from our standards.

Speaker 115 Okay, when you say normal what do you mean exactly?

Speaker 146 I mean it's it's a hard life there's a war-torn country now Sudan, but

Speaker 77 can you tell us more about that?

Speaker 23 There's a lot of Americans that have no idea where Sudan is on a map North Africa fun fact about Sudan we got more pyramids than Egypt.

Speaker 146 You have what more pyramids than Egypt.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 146 Odd fact, but I guess that's the only thing that's good about it.

Speaker 106 Alright.

Speaker 146 It's a messed up country unfortunately. It's North Africa.
War-torn because of political and we're we are cursed with resources.

Speaker 134 Like what oil gold

Speaker 31 red man.

Speaker 6 Oh my god, how dare you do that?

Speaker 71 No, don't play the fly noise.

Speaker 70 That's not one of their many resources.

Speaker 49 Were there a lot of flies where you were?

Speaker 101 No.

Speaker 51 No? Oh, thank God, no.

Speaker 13 All right, perfect.

Speaker 21 You have a girlfriend, Mike? Nope.

Speaker 90 Single.

Speaker 28 What type of girl are you into? What are you looking for?

Speaker 146 I don't know. I just know it when I see it, to be honest.

Speaker 70 I noticed when I asked that, you went like that with your hands as if they're like something a little bit on the finger something.

Speaker 50 Trump supporter.

Speaker 146 No, no, maybe a Trump supporter.

Speaker 121 No.

Speaker 134 Okay.

Speaker 38 You just have no particular type?

Speaker 146 No, to be honest,

Speaker 110 I don't know.

Speaker 142 You don't know?

Speaker 146 Okay, European, maybe.

Speaker 17 European. Are you just saying a...
Are you just saying?

Speaker 123 No, that's just Tento.

Speaker 146 First thing that came to mind.

Speaker 84 Have you never thought of this before?

Speaker 146 I don't think about it. I just know that I see it.

Speaker 51 I don't know what to say.

Speaker 28 Your last girlfriend, what did she look like?

Speaker 26 British.

Speaker 87 British.

Speaker 82 She looked British. She looked British.

Speaker 146 no she was which means she probably i checked the dental record she's british right

Speaker 66 got it

Speaker 23 what else are you into mike you seem like a guy that has some interesting hobbies you have any special skills or talents other than i play soccer i guess that's a special talent in america uh-huh not really

Speaker 55 that's more exciting he's on the sign

Speaker 28 he's what he's on the sign

Speaker 59 His opening joke, he's he's the kind of...

Speaker 61 He didn't listen.

Speaker 59 You know, I feel really bad for Triple H. You can't see my fucking hair the whole time.
He can't see a damn thing.

Speaker 31 It's very easy to see from your hair carrying a little bad.

Speaker 47 I don't know if you know it.

Speaker 16 It's like a perfect window.

Speaker 64 It's like a light mist.

Speaker 146 If I may say, I never would have expected to see Triple H and carrots up on.

Speaker 5 I had a feeling.

Speaker 59 We're always together.

Speaker 74 What do you think?

Speaker 50 I love it.

Speaker 23 Mike, what's the most interesting thing about your life?

Speaker 76 You've lived in Sudan, Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 56 I mean, you got to tell us something.

Speaker 23 You must have seen some crazy stuff or something, right?

Speaker 146 I've seen some crazy, unfortunate stuff in Sudan, but honestly,

Speaker 146 I'm just blessed to have traveled the world. I'm just blessed.

Speaker 38 You just completely skipped the question that I just asked on a live professional show.

Speaker 70 It was well executed.

Speaker 38 The question.

Speaker 74 Make some shit up, dude.

Speaker 57 Mike, you must have seen something interesting that Americans could never fathom in Sudan or Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 18 Nothing at all.

Speaker 130 Oh, red man, come on, Redman.

Speaker 111 I'm trying, I don't know.

Speaker 114 Nothing, you don't have an answer to that question.

Speaker 30 Sad stories in Sudan about waiting for fuel for a whole day.

Speaker 146 I don't know what to tell you, it's sad stories.

Speaker 135 Waiting for waiting for fuel, waiting in line for fuel, waiting in line for bread.

Speaker 69 We've all waited in line.

Speaker 51 There was a long line at the Chevron the other day.

Speaker 81 That's no big deal.

Speaker 8 I've been through that.

Speaker 20 I waited like 10 minutes.

Speaker 102 Is that what it was like?

Speaker 12 There was a car, there was some lady parked the wrong way at the pump.

Speaker 32 Oh, so the pump was working.

Speaker 146 You actually had gas.

Speaker 32 Oh, you're blessed.

Speaker 50 All right, Mike.

Speaker 88 One of the most depressing bucket pools in the history of the show.

Speaker 36 But fun times, you did it.

Speaker 55 You got up.

Speaker 70 Here's a little joke book. Congratulations, Mike Holder, everyone.

Speaker 113 We're flying through it tonight, everybody.

Speaker 59 Can I, hey, Tony.

Speaker 61 Yes. Can I do...

Speaker 59 Only because last time I was on the show, people say, how did you have a prop for everything?

Speaker 113 You have a Sudan, Saudi Arabia super prop.

Speaker 61 I wish I did.

Speaker 59 But everyone talked about working for phone companies.

Speaker 63 Uh-huh.

Speaker 68 So I've got a phone one.

Speaker 29 This is good. Oh, it got quiet.

Speaker 132 No, you like it.

Speaker 59 This is a cell phone case, so your girlfriend or wife can't get into it when you go to bed at night.

Speaker 82 Now, it was a Trump joe because he can't tweet, right?

Speaker 113 Stop tweeting.

Speaker 61 But it's better just that generic guys can't.

Speaker 113 It's all fucking cracked and broke.

Speaker 59 Thank you, American Airlines.

Speaker 74 Just as a warning to you down here, like

Speaker 74 take my advice, do not look directly into the box if you open it up again.

Speaker 74 Just glanced in that thing, I fucking regret it.

Speaker 76 I've made that mistake before.

Speaker 44 It is very frightening over there.

Speaker 51 There's some weird shit in here.

Speaker 81 There's a lot of

Speaker 71 boofable objects in that treasure chest.

Speaker 100 No, there's some good ones.

Speaker 59 There's some gibbons.

Speaker 22 We're going to keep moving along here.

Speaker 62 Maybe we'll get more out of Carrot Top's treasure chest in a bit.

Speaker 127 Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute goes by the name of Matt Rivera, everybody. Here we go.
Matt Rivera.

Speaker 129 My grandpa just had a kid?

Speaker 129 Yeah, it's actually pretty fucked up.

Speaker 129 I don't think that old people should have kids after a certain point. I think it's inconsiderate to the rest of your your family.

Speaker 97 You know?

Speaker 129 It really screws up your family tree.

Speaker 129 Like, why the fuck do I have a two-year-old uncle?

Speaker 129 It used to be you respect your uncle, now it's don't drop your uncle.

Speaker 129 Also, he's not that different from a regular uncle, you know, very handsy.

Speaker 129 He refuses to put down the bottle

Speaker 129 And he sucks on my fingers too long.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 9 Matt Rivera, Rock Solid Minute. Welcome, welcome.
Thank you.

Speaker 36 Happy to be here.

Speaker 23 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 129 Yeah, I've been on twice.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 23 Remind us, what happened those last times you were on?

Speaker 86 What were the highlights or low lights?

Speaker 129 So the first time I got pulled was the day before election day, and I'm Puerto Rican.

Speaker 63 Ah,

Speaker 84 there was somehow there were like five Puerto Ricans pulled that episode.

Speaker 67 Absolute anomaly showing how great God's sense of humor is.

Speaker 71 Made no mathematical sense whatsoever.

Speaker 51 So, you were one of those.

Speaker 53 I remember that.

Speaker 23 That was a big deal at the time.

Speaker 18 Turns out you guys loved to vote for the correct candidate.

Speaker 102 Did you vote? We have a sense of humor.

Speaker 129 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 86 Good job.

Speaker 20 Matt, what do you do for work?

Speaker 129 I still work at an NADC burger.

Speaker 25 Oh, nice. Hell yeah.

Speaker 23 One of the best burgers in the city.

Speaker 32 No doubt about it. Yeah, pretty solid.

Speaker 146 You're a chef?

Speaker 129 I am. Yeah, I make burgers and fries and whatnot.

Speaker 62 Hell yeah.

Speaker 28 And they're very strategic about how they make a burger.

Speaker 36 No adjustments allowed.

Speaker 129 No, yep, they're just like, this is how it is. Either take it or fuck off.
That's kind of

Speaker 50 our thing.

Speaker 90 That's amazing.

Speaker 17 So what else is going on in life?

Speaker 62 What have you been doing for fun?

Speaker 129 I have been just

Speaker 129 so rapidly producing shows, honestly. I'm like

Speaker 129 way too invested in comedy. I produce shows every single day.

Speaker 140 Wow.

Speaker 122 Like, stand-up shows. Stand-up comedy.

Speaker 18 Storing it all around town, putting them on, beating people, selling it.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 140 All right.

Speaker 84 That's fun.

Speaker 23 But to get away from it all, a non-stand-up thing, what do you do?

Speaker 129 I like to do random shit that I wouldn't normally do. Like go swimming.

Speaker 106 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 119 That is, I guess, random.

Speaker 88 Where exactly are you swimming at?

Speaker 129 Bar and Springs, usually on the free side.

Speaker 98 All right.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 145 That makes sense.

Speaker 23 Anything fun ever happen when you're out there swimming?

Speaker 129 Well, the thing about the free side...

Speaker 129 It's very slippery and there's a lot of pointsy rocks.

Speaker 18 Keep going.

Speaker 129 So you're essentially paying for the experience of

Speaker 129 not slipping and bleeding in the water.

Speaker 129 And I have diabetes, so it takes a little longer for me to heal.

Speaker 38 How'd you get diabetes?

Speaker 62 What was your snack of choice?

Speaker 129 So I got diagnosed when I was 14 years old.

Speaker 28 Keep with the fun music.

Speaker 147 Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 66 Yeah,

Speaker 129 Yeah, diagnosed at 14.

Speaker 129 I was eating those hostess donuts.

Speaker 129 It's type one, though. It's not like the fat kind.

Speaker 66 I'm working on it. Okay.

Speaker 88 So how did you find out you were eating the hostess donuts and what, you passed out or something?

Speaker 129 No, I just kept peeing a lot. Then we went to Disney World the next week

Speaker 129 and we tested my blood sugar and it was super high.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 31 You tested it at Disney?

Speaker 51 Yeah, well,

Speaker 13 you went to the happiest place on earth

Speaker 44 to get your diabetes test.

Speaker 41 That's a goofy decision.

Speaker 73 I didn't go there.

Speaker 129 It wasn't my intention.

Speaker 5 It just like happened.

Speaker 87 Hi, blood sugar.

Speaker 52 You're going to lose a foot!

Speaker 24 Yeah, you're gonna lose a foot!

Speaker 24 Oh no!

Speaker 120 You're gonna have this for the rest of your life!

Speaker 91 How did they break the news to you?

Speaker 19 Was it like that? Was it at Disney World?

Speaker 53 Was it like at the end of a ride or something?

Speaker 70 Did they take a picture? Like you're like at the top of the,

Speaker 38 when the roller coaster goes down, you're like, no.

Speaker 78 I thought you were there.

Speaker 47 Why Disney? I still don't get the Disney part.

Speaker 129 Tony, you're acting like I chose that.

Speaker 132 This is perfect.

Speaker 16 Your parents have a great sense of humor.

Speaker 71 Let's take him to Disney.

Speaker 80 It'll soften the blow.

Speaker 147 We know he's got it.

Speaker 47 They had suspicions.

Speaker 74 I just wonder, how the fuck does that even happen? When you go to Disney, how do you find out that you have diabetes?

Speaker 74 Like, what is the situation that takes place where people ask you the next day how is Disney fuck I got diabetes

Speaker 24 I mean

Speaker 129 have you seen what they serve for food and drinks yeah but it doesn't come with like an alarm when you eat it that's it but you just got diabetes like how did that come about oh well my mom is also diabetic so she kind of knew what to expect

Speaker 28 that's what happened yeah so do you guys uh you guys have a a new diet plan what did what changed

Speaker 70 let me ask you, though.

Speaker 74 They don't go to fucking Disney anymore.

Speaker 99 That's for sure.

Speaker 65 I got a problem.

Speaker 130 Perantops got

Speaker 37 no, it's great.

Speaker 59 I got a stand-up for this one.

Speaker 149 Fuck.

Speaker 113 Oh, here we go.

Speaker 124 By the way, these legs don't come like that. You got to work them.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 54 You know it's bad when Red Band goes, ew.

Speaker 47 You got that fly noise again?

Speaker 59 It's a towel when you go to Disney.

Speaker 124 You can walk around the pool.

Speaker 72 Hey, it's not all right.

Speaker 87 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 65 Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 47 Ah, fuck.

Speaker 59 I don't know why I did that one, but.

Speaker 119 That was perfect.

Speaker 59 It seemed like the thing to do.

Speaker 74 You know that picture is going to be on the internet of me sitting there looking at Territop shit hanging out of his towel.

Speaker 129 Are you wearing a skirt?

Speaker 64 No, it's shorts.

Speaker 47 Your shorts.

Speaker 3 No, they're short.

Speaker 124 No, it's not a skirt.

Speaker 51 I mean, I don't mind wearing it.

Speaker 74 Of all the shit right here, that's what you picked up.

Speaker 66 Yeah, yeah. That's fucking, yeah.

Speaker 25 No, it's your shorts.

Speaker 59 They come in men's. I didn't get them.

Speaker 19 So the diabetes thing.

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 132 Awful.

Speaker 19 Is that what that little thing is on your belly there? Is that what I'm seeing? Is that a little diabetes plug hole?

Speaker 63 Oh yeah, it is.

Speaker 129 Look at that. Yeah, it's a film.

Speaker 8 Burt Kreischer, everybody.

Speaker 9 It's incredible.

Speaker 23 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 126 So what do you do with that?

Speaker 84 You just take that and pop the cap off and like pour cans of Coca-Cola in there or something?

Speaker 66 No, so

Speaker 51 it's a glucose monitor.

Speaker 129 The other day I actually, I went into a bar and I got frizz and somebody thought I was wearing a wire.

Speaker 69 Oh yeah.

Speaker 91 What a terrible way to die.

Speaker 112 You don't have to put it there, right?

Speaker 72 Like, I've seen it on people's arms and stuff.

Speaker 110 You don't have to put it there.

Speaker 129 Yeah, but the thing about the arms is that if I'm changing my shirt, it'll snag and rip off, and they're really expensive to replace. So I put it here where there's the least amount of activity.

Speaker 139 That's good.

Speaker 78 That's good.

Speaker 124 That was great.

Speaker 71 Amazing.

Speaker 47 Amazing, Matt.

Speaker 36 Well, fun times.

Speaker 20 You got up again.

Speaker 17 Congratulations. You already have a big joke book?

Speaker 47 I do.

Speaker 144 I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, Matt.

Speaker 115 Here you go.

Speaker 47 Matt Roderick just put the real spot on a real show.

Speaker 24 Boom.

Speaker 9 Amazing.

Speaker 6 There goes Matt.

Speaker 30 Go further with the American Express Business Gold Card. Earn three times membership rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels when you book through MXTravel.com.

Speaker 30 Whether your destination is a business conference or a client meeting, your purchases will help you earn more points for future trips. Experience more on your travels with Ame Business Gold.

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Ame Business Gold Card. Build for business by American Express.

Speaker 154 ABC Wednesdays, the Golden Bachelor is all new.

Speaker 116 Hi, Mel.

Speaker 24 Hello.

Speaker 154 Former NFL star Mel Owens is looking for his second chance at love.

Speaker 30 I'm hopeful that I'll find true love.

Speaker 154 But these women are in a league of their own. Mel has never been exposed to women like us.

Speaker 45 I don't know how he can handle it all.

Speaker 154 The Golden Bachelor season premiere.

Speaker 113 Love, happiness, and fun.

Speaker 154 Wednesdays, 9-8 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

Speaker 44 All right, let's get another bucket pull up here.

Speaker 71 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only.

Speaker 17 This looks like a first-time name if I've ever seen one.

Speaker 51 It's Spencer Eskridge.

Speaker 69 Spencer Eskridge.

Speaker 135 Hi, I'm Spencer. Yes, sir.

Speaker 26 Spencer.

Speaker 135 If I was born a girl, though, my mom said she was gonna name me Shay Lynn.

Speaker 135 Whatever, my mom's name is Shana Lorine. Her aunt's name is Shana Carroll.
So my first cousin, Shai Ann, has two belligerently insane aunt Shana's.

Speaker 129 So,

Speaker 135 Shana Lorene, right there in the middle, just so anal retentive, can't spell Shana Lorene without A-N-A-A-L. Right there in the middle, but last time I took 250 milligrams of Sunshine LSD,

Speaker 135 it was COVID. I was dating a bad alcoholic, and

Speaker 135 I put on a long skirt and let my fucking hair down, and there she was, Shaylin.

Speaker 135 I watched Gone with the Wind for four and a half hours and just fucking cried my eyes out.

Speaker 135 Being a woman is very gay.

Speaker 135 That poor, poor Shaylin, though, bless her fucking heart.

Speaker 15 Okay, you just stop right there.

Speaker 78 All right.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 102 How long you been doing stand-up, Spencer?

Speaker 135 A couple years on and off, mostly in North Houston.

Speaker 13 Okay, all right.

Speaker 149 How long have you been the world's best-fed pirate?

Speaker 81 I did the same thing when you walked.

Speaker 135 I'm glad you called it pirate. Everybody's like, hey, you walk like Jesus.
I said, I'm going for fucking pirate, not prophet.

Speaker 17 Somebody told you you look like Jesus?

Speaker 135 I had a dude.

Speaker 147 D-Madness, what did I tell you about talking to people before you feel them completely?

Speaker 8 Nobody in the world thinks you look like Jesus.

Speaker 71 Unless they're a true atheist.

Speaker 54 That'll cause you to not believe in religion.

Speaker 71 If Jesus came back and he's like, hey, it's me, I swear, I'm Spencer Eskridge.

Speaker 12 people would be burning their Bibles in the streets.

Speaker 13 I can't believe I bought into that bullshit for so long.

Speaker 11 Triple H, this must be excited for you to see all the world's worst WWE superstars mashed into one character.

Speaker 41 This looks like something that fucking Mick Foley would have living in a doghouse in his backyard.

Speaker 75 You need rubber bands in your beard.

Speaker 135 I had one earlier and it busted, and then somebody next to me was like, hey, I have a whole other little bag of rubber bands. I said, wow, if that's not ordained by God himself.

Speaker 135 And then that one broke too. So here we are.

Speaker 79 We just think the rubber bands.

Speaker 101 I've got one.

Speaker 51 Oh, cool.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 25 Oh, nice.

Speaker 101 Spencer.

Speaker 19 Tell us about your life.

Speaker 86 What exactly do you do for a living looking like that?

Speaker 135 I manage a brewery a little east of Bastrop. I got nominated for for best bartender in Bastrop County.
I'm still waiting on the results.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 17 When do you find out the results?

Speaker 88 I feel like you're going to get your results when you go to Disney World.

Speaker 135 They said November, and I'm like, that's quite a ways away.

Speaker 135 It's online. Don't we have the capacity to tally that in the moment?

Speaker 69 Is it voting?

Speaker 135 Yeah, it was online.

Speaker 135 I had people from other places just use the zip code for our county.

Speaker 135 But hey, they still voted for me.

Speaker 57 What do you think makes you the best bartender in Bass Drop?

Speaker 37 I won't shut up.

Speaker 78 Oh, okay.

Speaker 11 That's the worst.

Speaker 135 Trauma dumping jokes about beer names. It's

Speaker 51 relentless. It's about beer names.

Speaker 74 Basically, the people there hoping they vote for him. He gets a better job someplace else.

Speaker 89 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 74 Maybe like ATT or something.

Speaker 118 Right, yeah.

Speaker 48 Yes.

Speaker 38 So when you're doing this bartending, what's the craziest thing that has ever happened inside of one of your bars?

Speaker 135 I found out

Speaker 135 like one of my regulars was slapped by the mayor of

Speaker 135 my town I bartend in. It's Smithville.
Okay. Just east of Bastrop.
They film like a lot of movies there. And like they won't put in a Walmart or anything.

Speaker 135 They keep it small and Texas like picturesque because Hope Floats was fucking filmed there and they have a real

Speaker 135 acclimation to that movie but it's senseless there's been Brad Pitt movies filmed there I can't quite figure you out

Speaker 104 you don't sound like or talk

Speaker 87 you look like

Speaker 135 you've had five therapists yeah two of them tried to fuck me wow tell us about that

Speaker 88 They told you to lay down on a couch and you think they're trying to fuck you?

Speaker 137 No, dude.

Speaker 74 It was therapy they're doing he thinks they're doing SNM when they try to put a straitjacket on him let me just say if somebody says fuck you that doesn't mean they're trying to

Speaker 23 tell us about these therapists trying to fuck you because I don't believe it

Speaker 135 I need therapy I was just talking about I got caught with like nine grams of mushrooms in 2014 in Houston and they're like hey you want a second degree felony I said no they're like cool pee in the cup for two years did a deferred adjudication it's not on my shit but I had to have state sanctioned therapy the first lady denise i just cracked the egg a little and that bitch was like i'm retiring and so i got i got bounced between two young women 23 24 i'm gonna say their fucking names amanda

Speaker 56 licenses no it's okay just tell us what they did no one cares about their names i'm I'm real thick-headed.

Speaker 135 I don't know when people are flirting with me.

Speaker 135 But they made it very apparent.

Speaker 72 Because,

Speaker 135 well, when Denise was like, I'm retiring, they're like, oh, we'll double team you and pass you back and forth for individual sessions.

Speaker 135 And then I just be sitting on their couch and they're like, so how long have you been single?

Speaker 48 They're asking you about your life.

Speaker 101 No.

Speaker 47 Yes. They got.

Speaker 69 Holy shit.

Speaker 100 This is incredible.

Speaker 149 You think your therapists are trying to fuck you because they're asking you questions like

Speaker 5 a girl would if you're on a date?

Speaker 58 Yeah, fuck, right?

Speaker 47 In a different different way than you would.

Speaker 135 As stupid as I am, I could tell something was weird. And I knew what was weird when they didn't show up to work one day.

Speaker 135 And then we found out they've both been fucking a 17-year-old in the program. One of the ladies is engaged to a sheriff.
And they just stopped coming to the fucking counseling center.

Speaker 135 And then the kid who was considered a victim of the system was getting them cocaine and all this shit. We need names.

Speaker 5 No, Paris, no.

Speaker 6 Don't name any names, right? We have to bleep it out.

Speaker 68 Don't do it.

Speaker 15 No, don't do it.

Speaker 41 Jesus, don't do it, Spencer.

Speaker 90 Don't do it.

Speaker 135 So, everybody at court, when you get released from the program, you get a second to turn around and say something to the grand audience about your experience.

Speaker 135 And everybody's like, what the fuck is he going to say? He's been advised not to say shit. And then he walks up in front of everybody and goes, well, it's been fun.

Speaker 135 Walked out of the courtroom, a fucking legend. He told me, he was was way too cool with me.
He's like, you know, they were trying to like, menage the trois, quat, whatever the fuck that shit is.

Speaker 137 Me, you.

Speaker 135 I'm like, this is weird.

Speaker 137 Just go. I don't need to know that.

Speaker 135 I am already pee shy.

Speaker 135 I'm already having a time with this shit as it is.

Speaker 103 So you never had sex with any of the therapists, the female therapists.

Speaker 74 You could have just left it at, you have never had sex.

Speaker 102 Do you have an active sex life?

Speaker 5 I have two kids.

Speaker 84 Oh my god. How old are your kids?

Speaker 135 So, my daughter just turned two, my son just turned one on the sixth.

Speaker 19 How often are you around these children?

Speaker 135 Sundays through Wednesdays.

Speaker 51 Much is a law.

Speaker 111 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 135 They're funny, dude. I don't know how I got lucky the way I got lucky.

Speaker 19 That is incredible.

Speaker 21 How are they funny?

Speaker 135 What do they do that? Before, like, my daughter could talk, like, let me guess.

Speaker 84 She tried to fuck you.

Speaker 15 One time she looked at me and she was all like, da-da!

Speaker 5 And I'm like, oh no, you don't.

Speaker 108 Oh no.

Speaker 66 Oh no.

Speaker 63 Oh here it is.

Speaker 41 Menage a trois.

Speaker 47 She crawled to me.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 58 I wanna go to bed.

Speaker 5 Hey, stop trying to fuck me.

Speaker 63 You're my little girl. Don't do that, dude.

Speaker 51 Everyone's trying to fuck me, dude.

Speaker 5 The police got behind me.

Speaker 37 They're like, pull over. I'm like, not with mine, you don't.

Speaker 48 Stop trying to fuck me, officer.

Speaker 8 This one lady made me pee in a cup.

Speaker 51 What's she doing with that urine?

Speaker 126 So you peed in a cup for a couple years and you ended up getting off of everything?

Speaker 84 You look like you peed in a mason jar for a couple years.

Speaker 4 They're airtight.

Speaker 20 You collect things.

Speaker 87 What are your hobbies?

Speaker 101 Witchcraft. I don't know.

Speaker 5 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 56 What's the craziest witchcraft thing you've ever tried?

Speaker 135 I don't know. I gave a palm reading and a tarot reading at Shakespeare's just now.
For fun. What fun?

Speaker 53 Do you even know what you're doing?

Speaker 138 Yeah.

Speaker 135 Does anyone?

Speaker 92 Okay.

Speaker 13 Yes, they do. Clearly, you don't believe in your therapists.

Speaker 35 But there are some pros out there.

Speaker 20 Fun time, Spencer.

Speaker 141 You're a very interesting character.

Speaker 68 Congratulations.

Speaker 39 Go raise those kids.

Speaker 48 There he goes.

Speaker 91 Spencer Eskridge.

Speaker 106 Wow.

Speaker 113 So many compelling characters come out of the bucket.

Speaker 44 Your next comedian is one of those people that we found out of the bucket a long time ago.

Speaker 84 We've watched him grow for years.

Speaker 44 A very, very compelling character, a fan, or a fan favorite.

Speaker 5 Make some noise for the return of the one and only Uncle Lazer.

Speaker 10 As y'all know,

Speaker 155 I was in a western about a year ago, and

Speaker 155 it's gonna release a couple weeks.

Speaker 123 And it had to rip in it.

Speaker 155 And there's really not an acting class for rank, anybody ever r anybody before?

Speaker 155 Exactly. Well.

Speaker 9 But they paid me 10 grand, so there I am on set getting ready to r.

Speaker 65 And

Speaker 155 I don't think you just go up to someone and go, hey, I'm going to rip you, you know.

Speaker 155 I feel like you got to rough them up a little bit, soften the meat.

Speaker 155 And I was working with this little French actress. Fuck the French, you know.

Speaker 155 And I'm asking her between sessions, I was like, hey, am I hitting you too hard? Is there anything I could be doing better?

Speaker 155 She smoked a little cigarette.

Speaker 47 How long you been acting?

Speaker 155 I said, about six hours.

Speaker 155 She said, well, we're acting, so act.

Speaker 155 When the director called action for the next take, I clotheslined that bitch into hell.

Speaker 9 I said, I'm not a f ⁇ ing, my boyfriend is. My name's Uncle Leslie.
I've been great.

Speaker 6 All right, Uncle Lazer.

Speaker 36 Very, very interesting set.

Speaker 102 Is that true?

Speaker 63 What?

Speaker 94 The part?

Speaker 112 Yeah, unfortunately.

Speaker 17 So that was your scene in the movie?

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 155 I mean, I die before

Speaker 155 I get to finish it, but

Speaker 134 I was still hard the whole time.

Speaker 2 Uncle Laser.

Speaker 66 I ran up them stairs. I got heartburn.
Sorry.

Speaker 79 How do you feel, buddy?

Speaker 63 You good? Yeah,

Speaker 51 I'm good.

Speaker 88 No one knows what you're talking about.

Speaker 17 So you want to explain to the people what you mean by you ran up the stairs?

Speaker 155 I didn't know that I was next. And so I had to...

Speaker 63 Yeah, anyways, we're good.

Speaker 51 That's great.

Speaker 80 You're handling it like a real pro.

Speaker 87 Absolutely perfect.

Speaker 71 So what else is going on, Uncle Laser?

Speaker 17 A very, very rape-heavy set.

Speaker 62 We might actually have to create a quick-to-can I do a prop real quick.

Speaker 51 I have a problem. I have a problem.

Speaker 27 Wait, really?

Speaker 17 Yeah, it turns out if you say the word like twice in two minutes, like it just they.

Speaker 155 I knew I should have said fucking grape.

Speaker 25 I knew it.

Speaker 16 Yeah, it's a thing.

Speaker 17 You want to take it from the top?

Speaker 62 No.

Speaker 13 I'm kidding.

Speaker 47 I know. I'm out of breath.

Speaker 54 Let's see what that carrot top's got something like.

Speaker 63 I have a prop.

Speaker 63 I don't know if it's rape related.

Speaker 31 Oh, okay.

Speaker 59 It's a purse

Speaker 59 when women have a restraining order against a guy.

Speaker 65 You can tell exactly how far to fucking stay away.

Speaker 59 You know how many feet.

Speaker 61 How many feet is it?

Speaker 128 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 124 I have a lot of free time.

Speaker 79 This is literally

Speaker 28 fucking just, she's not amazing.

Speaker 17 I can't believe how much you get paid to make these carrot top.

Speaker 40 Like, I always thought they

Speaker 47 have like the stable.

Speaker 56 Who else has a purse with a tape measure in it?

Speaker 149 Nobody. As I've gotten closer to Carrotop, I realize he's just fucking super gluing two things.

Speaker 13 He's managed to make $50 million just going,

Speaker 75 let's put it together.

Speaker 118 Well, wait a minute.

Speaker 49 So if you like coffee and people drink coffee and they like writing things, look at this.

Speaker 153 It's a sheriff with a coffee muck.

Speaker 130 Take a sip.

Speaker 14 You can write with that. It's amazing.

Speaker 61 No, they gotta make sense.

Speaker 59 That's fucking look.

Speaker 105 There's a lot of people that like smoking cigarettes and also knowing what the the temperature is.

Speaker 27 I took a thermometer and I put it on a pack of cigarettes.

Speaker 51 You can have a cigarette and go out the temperature at the same time.

Speaker 5 I'm going to put that in the cigarette.

Speaker 13 It's going to be doing in Vegas the next week.

Speaker 115 Oh, I'm in the mood for a cigarette.

Speaker 100 Oh, it's 73 degrees.

Speaker 85 Perfect.

Speaker 51 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 101 No, but you get fucked.

Speaker 59 Oh, man.

Speaker 112 There's more to it than that.

Speaker 59 Like, here's ones. No, just because you're being a fuckhead

Speaker 112 So so Jesus So people like people

Speaker 59 People like some people like toilet paper over the roll some people like it under right so see this is this is and this is clever fucker.

Speaker 59 This is so if you want it under it goes under and if you want it over you flip it

Speaker 61 That's not a fucking cigarette with a temperature

Speaker 13 Yeah, that's amazing.

Speaker 59 I'm going to leave all this here when I'm done, by the way.

Speaker 73 It's just a loose toilet paper roll.

Speaker 60 I mean,

Speaker 8 it takes a little.

Speaker 69 You're right.

Speaker 115 You're right.

Speaker 63 Some are different.

Speaker 66 Some are different.

Speaker 41 It's one of the best.

Speaker 101 It's a few useful things in the box.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 65 There's some

Speaker 59 that was you're funny, by the way.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 59 I'm sorry to cut you off with all my stupid shit.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 60 We'll go through.

Speaker 155 You wipe back to front or front to back?

Speaker 82 I'd have people wipe me.

Speaker 59 I don't know what

Speaker 68 your ass.

Speaker 57 So, laser, when does this movie come out?

Speaker 155 Intoctober. It's a series, like a six-part series.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 155 I'm only in that one episode.

Speaker 64 All right, there you go.

Speaker 118 You can beat it again.

Speaker 75 We're going to have to beep through it.

Speaker 155 Sorry.

Speaker 75 We can beeping.

Speaker 17 We're going to be one of these, so just don't say it anymore.

Speaker 12 I won't say it.

Speaker 35 It comes out in October. What's it called?

Speaker 131 An outlaw named Bob.

Speaker 10 An outlaw named Bob.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 145 Sounds.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it sounds made up. I know.

Speaker 51 I like it.

Speaker 66 And they want to be the

Speaker 24 better than fest, you know.

Speaker 13 Oh, there it is again.

Speaker 82 Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Speaker 59 Everybody's coming.

Speaker 17 It's gonna sound like a butt light with a stud finder connected to it.

Speaker 108 Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Speaker 17 Uncle Laser, what else is going on in your real life?

Speaker 42 You're here.

Speaker 149 Carrot Top, Triple H.

Speaker 126 I gave you a little heads up because you're an old pal.

Speaker 17 I warned you a few days ago you might want to be there on Monday.

Speaker 57 And I told you who's coming.

Speaker 23 And of course, like a real fucking

Speaker 70 boy Mark Super fan.

Speaker 35 You wore your DX shirt.

Speaker 49 He dusted it off.

Speaker 148 It's all up.

Speaker 155 Listen, I actually planned my outfits out in advance, so this was

Speaker 155 okay. All right, I did wear it.

Speaker 151 I did wear it.

Speaker 52 All right.

Speaker 82 Big fan.

Speaker 155 I almost wore my leather jacket, too, dude.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Is there anything you want to say to the man himself? Two-time Hall of Famer, ESPN, and WWE fully connected, coming together.

Speaker 117 Two iconic brands.

Speaker 147 WrestlePalooza, September 20th, John Cena versus Brock Lesnar.

Speaker 23 Epic stuff, all created by the mastermind himself.

Speaker 86 Triple H.

Speaker 23 Is there anything you want to say to him?

Speaker 155 Yes, actually, there is.

Speaker 148 No, seriously, though.

Speaker 148 I'm trying to.

Speaker 61 Do you ever just miss it?

Speaker 155 You miss just hitting somebody over the the head with a steel chair

Speaker 155 or maybe a sludge hammer is your choice of weapon

Speaker 61 it's all about the game

Speaker 155 and how you play

Speaker 106 uncle waits

Speaker 104 yeah that was good true fan

Speaker 83 We've been talking wrestling and comedy for a long time now. Many a daytime.

Speaker 155 can I ask a real question though

Speaker 155 did you like being in the faction DX more than the solo stuff or did you have more fun with that like what what was what was your favorite part of your historic career the part where you remember that that was when I had the most fucking fun like creative freedom all that stuff DX is the crazy shit yeah

Speaker 74 The heel stuff for me was always where I wanted to be in my career. But if you're just saying just having a crazy time,

Speaker 101 DX was just

Speaker 155 roll up in that goddamn tank.

Speaker 53 Come on, man.

Speaker 74 it was it was just us thinking about what dumb shit can we do this week that did yeah and Vince just letting y'all fly with it at that time at first no and then once it started working

Speaker 74 baby yeah once it started working we were we had kind of do what you want to do thing but at first it was we were threatened to get fired every week so I'm sure you get it

Speaker 2 yep

Speaker 41 he deals with the exact same thing Trust me it did not work at first for him either but he's it's been a common theme coming out here tonight, I feel like.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 80 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 126 Well, Uncle Laser, you did it. You got up again.

Speaker 85 Congratulations. Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 81 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 6 Coming back to the bucket we go.

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Speaker 106 We're coming around the corner now.

Speaker 14 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 17 Ronaldo Mercado, everyone.

Speaker 22 Here comes Ronaldo.

Speaker 151 What's up, guys?

Speaker 151 I've lived in Austin for about a year now. I haven't been able to fit in yet.
I've lived here for a year.

Speaker 80 Everybody here, they're hot.

Speaker 151 People look good. They care about diet, exercise.

Speaker 63 Ugh.

Speaker 151 That's why I like the rest of Texas. I fit in in the rest of Texas.
Here in Austin, I wear an extra large. I'll admit that this is an extra large t-shirt.
I weigh 225.

Speaker 151 You can see my belly when I put my hands in the air. Fuck you guys.
I don't care.

Speaker 123 Okay?

Speaker 151 In Austin, this is fat, but in the rest of Texas, I look pretty good, okay?

Speaker 151 When I go down to San Antonio, I'm petite, okay?

Speaker 111 All right?

Speaker 151 I was here in Austin. I had to ride a lime scooter last week.
I'm not proud of it, but I did. I had to be somewhere fast, and I was on my lime scooter, and it's a bad look.
You can admit that.

Speaker 151 The lime scooter is a bad look. This?

Speaker 151 It's a bad look, but I had to ride one out of necessity. When I was on my lime scooter, another dude rode past me on his lime scooter.

Speaker 151 And when he rode past me, he looked me in the eyes, and he gave me one of those.

Speaker 151 Like it was a fucking Jeep thing.

Speaker 151 Like we were in a club together. Don't do that, okay? Look, Look, if you give somebody a little wave on a motorcycle, hell's angels.
You give them a wave on a lime scooter, Charlie's Angels.

Speaker 147 It's a lot different.

Speaker 151 I think you can have a secret wave on the lime scooter. The guys on the lime scooter can have a wave, but it's gotta be this right here.

Speaker 6 There you go, all the way to the finish line. Ronaldo Mercado with jokes all the way to the bear.

Speaker 147 Good job, Ronaldo.

Speaker 14 How long you been on stand-up now?

Speaker 151 Uh I just hit seven years.

Speaker 17 You were just on very recently, right?

Speaker 151 Yeah, yeah, a couple months ago.

Speaker 63 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 57 How's it going? Everything's good?

Speaker 151 Yeah, everything's great, actually. I work at the Sunset Strip now as a door guy.

Speaker 25 Nice.

Speaker 118 Congratulations.

Speaker 14 Red Band's Club, a must-see all-entertainment spot, right?

Speaker 62 Just a block away.

Speaker 23 How's it been working there? What's it like having Red Band as a boss?

Speaker 62 Does he fart a lot? Does he?

Speaker 151 He's pretty chill. He kind of comes and goes.
You know what I mean? He just kind of comes by. You say, well, I go, hey, Brian.
He goes, man.

Speaker 90 That's him. That's right.

Speaker 51 12 and a half years of that every Monday with him.

Speaker 120 See you next week.

Speaker 5 Ronaldo, what are you doing for fun?

Speaker 151 For fun?

Speaker 151 Here,

Speaker 151 I've been trying to go to more shows.

Speaker 67 Music shows?

Speaker 151 Yeah, hardcore shows, stuff like that. I like to ride my bike.
I'm a BMX rider. Oh, wow.

Speaker 72 Look at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 79 You're a big boy for a BMX rider, huh?

Speaker 151 I am a bit of a fat fuck, okay?

Speaker 151 I will admit that I know

Speaker 151 I have an app on my phone. It's called Rocket Money.
Do you guys know about Rocket Money? It's an app to keep track of your finances.

Speaker 151 It sent me a notification, and it said, hey, Ronaldo, you spent 17% more this week than you normally do. And then they sent me an emoji of a cheeseburger

Speaker 151 to let me know that I ate so much fast food, it impacted my financial portfolio.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 147 Incredible.

Speaker 70 What type of fast food are you getting into?

Speaker 28 What's your favorite nowadays? P.

Speaker 38 Terry's Rules.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 78 Obviously.

Speaker 142 That biggest pop from the crowd for P.

Speaker 88 Terry.

Speaker 151 terry's rules yes my goodness yeah i i uh i'm from the midwest we didn't have in and out they have in n-out here now it's pretty cool yeah i like that

Speaker 151 anywhere else i can give you old school just normal old burger king mcdonald's midwest for sure yeah yeah yeah i definitely i like to okay i like i will engage i i'll ride home i'll drive like late at night you know and i'll stop at like a mcdonald's on the way home and then i'll get a double cheeseburger I'll get two double cheeseburgers.

Speaker 78 Uh-oh.

Speaker 151 And then I eat them before I get home, and then I don't tell my girlfriend about it. That's fat fuck behavior.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 130 Wow.

Speaker 38 Where do you keep, where on your body do you keep your glucose check?

Speaker 151 Not diabetic yet.

Speaker 145 Amazing.

Speaker 145 Amazing.

Speaker 74 Don't go to Disney.

Speaker 67 Don't go to Disney. It's going to be a t-shirt by the end of this.

Speaker 82 Don't ever do that on your scooter again.

Speaker 59 That's a good move.

Speaker 2 Thanks.

Speaker 86 Ronaldo, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend?

Speaker 107 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 151 I've been in a relationship. We've been together for for nine years now.

Speaker 77 Wow, nine years.

Speaker 87 What does she do?

Speaker 151 She actually, she works box office here at the club. She just started working here.

Speaker 59 Wow.

Speaker 87 Mothership.

Speaker 140 Incredible. Look at that.

Speaker 23 Looks like you're going to be getting more P-Terries though.

Speaker 151 Yeah,

Speaker 151 we've been together nine years. We don't really wear condoms or anything like that.
So I fucking...

Speaker 133 Nine years?

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 151 Nine years. Never worn a condom, never had a pregnancy scare.
I mean, I fucking, do I rule or what?

Speaker 130 I kind of kill it at pulling out.

Speaker 87 That's amazing.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 118 I have fun with the pull-out.

Speaker 151 You know? Yeah. I pull out, I comb it her belly button, I call it the kiddie pool.

Speaker 31 I splash around in there

Speaker 108 a little bit.

Speaker 151 I get my little, my little P-Terry in there, and I

Speaker 6 splash around in the front line.

Speaker 17 You're a funny guy, Ronaldo.

Speaker 117 You wanna.

Speaker 144 Ronaldo, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 118 You get to perform at the company you work at.

Speaker 45 Ronaldo Mercado, booked on the Secret

Speaker 36 We're flying through it now. Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 17 It's Aaron Silverstein.

Speaker 13 This looks like a new name.

Speaker 44 We love new names around here. Aaron Silverstein is next.
Heck yeah, here he is.

Speaker 48 Come on, make some noise for Aaron, everybody.

Speaker 157 You've got your outdoor bugs.

Speaker 157 And you've got your indoor bugs.

Speaker 157 You've got bugs.

Speaker 157 I've got bugs.

Speaker 157 In other words, I've got bugs.

Speaker 157 But it's the cheapest rent you can get. You know, in Austin, you're looking through the pages.

Speaker 157 You know, I'm trying to get the cheapest rent I can get.

Speaker 64 Bugs.

Speaker 136 Fucking Carrotop deer!

Speaker 118 Oh no, no, I'm into it.

Speaker 136 Who'd have thought dreams can come true?

Speaker 16 Alright, Aaron Silverstein.

Speaker 147 Unbelievable.

Speaker 17 Normally, Silversteins are much better at show business than whatever they do.

Speaker 9 I know, it's like they say

Speaker 157 that we're the chosen people.

Speaker 131 Uh-huh.

Speaker 128 Well, it's now dumber.

Speaker 80 There you go. Aaron, how you doing, buddy? You okay?

Speaker 51 Yeah, I'm doing great.

Speaker 17 How long have you been doing stand-ups?

Speaker 47 Not long.

Speaker 50 I'd be happy.

Speaker 124 I fucking hope not. Two hours.

Speaker 17 You just started? What made you want to start?

Speaker 157 Just recently started. Yeah.

Speaker 17 You decided that you wanted to... Let me guess.

Speaker 17 You decided you wanted to get out of the corporate world forever.

Speaker 76 You were sick of putting on a suit and tie every day.

Speaker 128 I wish.

Speaker 84 Okay, tell us about your life.

Speaker 147 How did you end up like this?

Speaker 64 Oh, God.

Speaker 104 Hey, he owns ATT. Yeah, you got that.

Speaker 136 It's just a long story.

Speaker 108 I've been around.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 13 I mean. I can start it anywhere, Aaron.

Speaker 88 If the interview is as bad as the set, this isn't going to last much longer, Aaron.

Speaker 96 Oh, God.

Speaker 157 Oh, sweet mother of God.

Speaker 110 Colorado, actually.

Speaker 51 Oh, that explains it all.

Speaker 134 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 119 What do you do for work?

Speaker 157 I was a cannabis grower for a little while.

Speaker 47 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 23 Did you smoke some of it?

Speaker 63 I did.

Speaker 140 You did? I did.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 19 How much exactly do you have to smoke before you just keep saying the word bugs over and over again?

Speaker 10 Without any real setup or point or.

Speaker 51 Aaron? You have to say it.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 118 What's going on, buddy?

Speaker 101 This is very surreal.

Speaker 8 What are you on right now?

Speaker 141 Did you drink before this?

Speaker 157 They called it a Jeffrey.

Speaker 106 What?

Speaker 133 They called it a Jeffrey.

Speaker 102 Who's they?

Speaker 12 Who's they? Aaron, over here, over here.

Speaker 62 Who's they? What are you talking about?

Speaker 108 Just new friends.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 59 I've never felt safer, by the way, sitting next to Sappho.

Speaker 78 I know.

Speaker 59 You got closer to him. Like, I got fucking Triple H.

Speaker 133 I got this.

Speaker 59 I'm serious. I'm fucking, dude.

Speaker 5 I feel fucking safe.

Speaker 17 I don't think you exactly needed Triple H to beat the shit out of Aaron Silverstein.

Speaker 147 I'm pretty sure you could kick him through that fucking brick wall over there.

Speaker 133 Fucking carrot top, man.

Speaker 50 Yeah, all right.

Speaker 108 Unbelievable.

Speaker 85 Okay, Aaron.

Speaker 77 Most interesting thing about your life and your entire history, the craziest fun fact about Aaron Silverstein that we would find interesting on a big live show.

Speaker 102 Now would be the time to say it into the tip of that red microphone.

Speaker 2 I was a methed out superhero for a little while.

Speaker 17 Explain to us what you mean by that.

Speaker 11 This is an important part of the story.

Speaker 17 Explain to us what you mean when you say you were a methed up superhero.

Speaker 157 Well, I mean, it's a long story.

Speaker 80 Well, why don't you make it make it a short story?

Speaker 62 All right, well.

Speaker 157 No, I mean, I just had a whole

Speaker 157 fucking thing. I was like,

Speaker 157 I was the circuit.

Speaker 38 That was your superhero name?

Speaker 51 The circuit?

Speaker 131 The circuit.

Speaker 141 Okay, and what what did the circuit do

Speaker 51 a lot of fucking drugs

Speaker 157 You don't seem like a big meth head type I seem like a businessman I guess apparently

Speaker 115 Well, it seems like somebody said yeah,

Speaker 49 do you know what your fucking face looks like?

Speaker 31 Do you only do drugs off of mirrors?

Speaker 141 Do you ever look at them?

Speaker 75 All right, Aaron.

Speaker 51 You're out of your goddamn mind.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're well.

Speaker 7 I love it. Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 50 Hey, thanks, man.

Speaker 118 Boom.

Speaker 54 There he goes.

Speaker 118 Aaron Silverstein, everybody.

Speaker 118 Wow.

Speaker 130 One of the oddest characters.

Speaker 147 I mean, you look like you would have been hilarious, by the way.

Speaker 157 Bucks, come on.

Speaker 14 There you go. Aaron Silverstein.

Speaker 118 Go the way you came.

Speaker 74 He spent all his time on the professional Mike Grip.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 113 But not on the jokes, yes. Yeah, not at all.

Speaker 59 I got to do one because it's too good.

Speaker 59 Not the last guy. That was just the other guy that said he came in his belly.

Speaker 13 Uh-huh. Okay, carrot top.

Speaker 83 It's the Pee Me Herman doll. Look at that.

Speaker 118 Oh,

Speaker 92 I famous.

Speaker 104 It's a Pee Mee Herman dollar dollar dollar dollar

Speaker 9 coming out of this with that.

Speaker 38 Don't you dare shoot me.

Speaker 61 I'm not going to do that.

Speaker 82 I know better than that.

Speaker 38 Here, I thought he was just attaching two things.

Speaker 59 it's orange. I did not plan that.

Speaker 92 I love that.

Speaker 59 Sorry for everything.

Speaker 48 He's such a good sport.

Speaker 47 All right. Wow.

Speaker 59 How do you top that? The Pee Mee Herman Cummin Dahl.

Speaker 13 I mean, we're going to have to find out.

Speaker 35 I got another bucket pull here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 76 Make some noise for Cameron Mai, everybody.

Speaker 44 It's Cameron Mai.

Speaker 63 Yes, hello.

Speaker 109 I had a polyamorous mom when I was a child. And sometimes when I tell people that, they get very sad, which I don't understand.
Because to me, your childhood is just your childhood, you know.

Speaker 109 I didn't really know mine was that different from anyone else's until I reflected on the number of stepdads.

Speaker 109 And I love my stepdads, because they taught me that it really does take a village

Speaker 109 to make my mom come.

Speaker 109 You guys ever walk in on your parents' wrestling and it's the Royal Rumble match?

Speaker 51 That's

Speaker 9 a bit different.

Speaker 109 Sometimes when

Speaker 109 you tell people stuff like that about yourself, they get curious. They want to know if you think it affected your sexuality today.

Speaker 109 I don't think so, because I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship with my bidet. We're going pretty strong.

Speaker 109 But I definitely, I think it affected my sexuality like when I was growing up, you know, because

Speaker 109 trying to jerk off with more than two parents

Speaker 109 is like trying to assassinate the president today.

Speaker 109 Because, like, realistically speaking, there's no way they didn't see me on that roof.

Speaker 118 Boom, Cameron, my

Speaker 142 talking about his polymom.

Speaker 13 There it is.

Speaker 13 That's the look.

Speaker 41 I said to Triple H

Speaker 31 after your Royal Rumble joke, I go, the funny thing is I don't even think he's seen you yet.

Speaker 108 Oh, it's great.

Speaker 87 The reaction was priceless.

Speaker 70 The guy that actually controls the Royal Rumble.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 108 It was a great one.

Speaker 51 I'll call your mom.

Speaker 26 Entrant number one.

Speaker 10 It's amazing.

Speaker 17 It's amazing.

Speaker 28 Everyone from your childhood, we have Triple H here and the monster that's been hiding under your bed.

Speaker 66 Oh, man.

Speaker 5 Cameron and I.

Speaker 60 How old are you, Cameron?

Speaker 109 I'm a 22-year-old open-mic comedian.

Speaker 51 Well, we know that.

Speaker 67 Yeah, we knew the last part.

Speaker 10 22 years old.

Speaker 67 You got a job?

Speaker 109 Yeah, yeah. I work at, well, you know, this is actually interesting.
I work at, you know, Elon Musk's Neuralink?

Speaker 109 I work for their biggest competitor. It's called Paradramics.
I'm a manufacturer. I help manufacture brain-computer interface.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 51 Incredible.

Speaker 80 The story of a young supervillain.

Speaker 67 Stay away from the meth, or else you'll end up saying bugs over and over again.

Speaker 134 Unbelievable.

Speaker 51 Do you have one?

Speaker 109 Do I have what?

Speaker 109 Fuck no. It's not, first of all, it's not meant for me.
The technology is like way behind on that. But also, I would never get one even if it was for that.

Speaker 79 Okay, wow, I see you don't work on the marketing team.

Speaker 91 Incredible.

Speaker 109 You know how like people that make Twitter don't let their kids use Twitter?

Speaker 101 I don't know about that.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 109 Well, never mind then.

Speaker 105 Cameron, you're 22 years old.

Speaker 20 Tell us what you do for fun.

Speaker 23 What are the 22-year-olds doing for fun nowadays?

Speaker 51 Oh, man.

Speaker 59 I know.

Speaker 48 Here it is.

Speaker 59 Sorry again. Sorry again.

Speaker 44 They're having a good old time.

Speaker 84 They're in the splash zone.

Speaker 17 They got spit on by Triple H an hour ago.

Speaker 67 They've been having the time of their lives ever since.

Speaker 125 Covered in, yeah.

Speaker 109 Exercise, video games. I'm pretty simple.
It's mostly stand-up.

Speaker 109 I'm trying to commit myself to stand-up. I love that.

Speaker 22 How long have you been doing it already?

Speaker 12 You're 20 years ago?

Speaker 109 About four years. Four years?

Speaker 77 Wow.

Speaker 119 That's a great start.

Speaker 14 Not much can stop someone that started that young and works at it as hard as you.

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 23 You must have some hobbies though when you want to let loose a little bit.

Speaker 79 What do you do?

Speaker 19 You have a girlfriend or something?

Speaker 109 I do have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend that I love very much.
Oh wow.

Speaker 80 Now we don't believe you.

Speaker 118 That sounds suspicious when you say it like that.

Speaker 107 Well, I do.

Speaker 145 She yells at you sometimes. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 67 Yeah, I can tell.

Speaker 126 That's why you have to be like, I love her very much.

Speaker 51 Hostage situation over here.

Speaker 40 I have a girlfriend.

Speaker 36 I love her. She's the best.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 126 What has she yelled at you about in the past?

Speaker 36 What have you done that made her upset?

Speaker 109 Um, just being mean to her friends. Ah, she has annoying friends, she has annoying friends that have never had like a man talk to them like they're not trying to fuck them.

Speaker 78 Right.

Speaker 109 She has hot friends, and I'm just treating them like they're regular people, and they're like, Why is he a dick?

Speaker 6 Oh, that's hilarious.

Speaker 65 I love this.

Speaker 147 This sounds like pure honesty.

Speaker 142 The crowd is responding.

Speaker 118 It's fucking real! This is real!

Speaker 47 Amazing, amazing Cameron.

Speaker 140 I love it.

Speaker 28 And the girlfriend, what does she do?

Speaker 109 Oh,

Speaker 109 she's an editor for a lot of podcasts and stuff like that.

Speaker 24 Oh.

Speaker 122 She's a sniper.

Speaker 59 She's going to fucking take him out after this.

Speaker 101 She's just a video editor.

Speaker 47 Amazing.

Speaker 20 And you live here in Austin?

Speaker 86 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 140 Okay.

Speaker 23 And that's it.

Speaker 56 So working for this brain thing, what exactly do you do there?

Speaker 109 I manufacture the parts. It's hard to describe because like

Speaker 33 I honestly, I signed an NDA and I don't know what I can say.

Speaker 16 Yeah, you probably can't say any of it then.

Speaker 27 Perfect.

Speaker 62 We're going to save your job right now.

Speaker 51 Thank you.

Speaker 37 Thank you.

Speaker 51 Seriously, let's talk about it, but we're doing great.

Speaker 85 Let's talk a little bit more about your slut mother.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 139 I really are.

Speaker 50 I had one

Speaker 17 too growing up. She gets it and she can laugh about it.
Does she have a a good sense of humor?

Speaker 109 Oh, she, that, I, the joke that I just told, that's her favorite joke.

Speaker 119 Perfect. Yeah.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 105 So, you know,

Speaker 115 was there a lot of noises coming from the bedroom when you were a kid?

Speaker 109 That's going to, I've never heard my parents fuck ever, actually. I've only, so the most parents I've ever had in the, like, father figures, I had two stepdads at the same time.
They lived together.

Speaker 109 They were just, the way my mom described it to me, it wasn't like she was just trying to fuck a bunch of people. It was more like she just was able to fall in love with two people at the same time.

Speaker 109 You know what I mean?

Speaker 140 She had an open heart. Yeah.

Speaker 88 And flex. That's what it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 138 Yeah.

Speaker 104 I love that.

Speaker 118 That's great.

Speaker 69 I love it.

Speaker 50 Fucking great.

Speaker 23 You had two stepdads at the same time. Was there ever like a competition? Did you have a favorite?

Speaker 109 All right. That's kind of rude to ask you

Speaker 153 uh

Speaker 109 no i think i i've managed to

Speaker 5 um

Speaker 109 i think i like my sister's dad more only because i lived with him longer right yeah okay what were the differences uh one was a white guy from america uh-huh one was a white guy from new zealand okay the suspense is killing us why you keep saying white guys when are we getting to the good shit?

Speaker 58 Let's go.

Speaker 36 One was an African prince from Nigeria.

Speaker 10 They were just all white guys the whole time?

Speaker 104 All honkies. Damn.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 80 Built that up.

Speaker 70 Yeah, you really did. You built it up like you were getting somewhere good.

Speaker 19 Like one of them was just going to be a straight-up fucking.

Speaker 123 All right.

Speaker 66 Well, there was only one.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 4 I wasn't even about to say that and I got nervous, Tony. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 85 Cameron, my.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 85 So, you know, is your mom still with multiple boyfriends?

Speaker 109 No, she's pretty monogamous now. That's what happens to polyamorous people.
They start very open and love and they're like, oh, I want to fuck everybody.

Speaker 51 And then they get on the other side and they're like, oh, fuck everybody.

Speaker 51 Once you get old and your options dry up, yes, you're going to go back to one at a time.

Speaker 86 You can't stay poly forever.

Speaker 90 That's a thing.

Speaker 84 Do you think that's affected your

Speaker 109 sexuality growing up? No.

Speaker 23 your perception of love?

Speaker 109 No,

Speaker 109 I'm still a monogamous guy. I definitely have the man instinct in me.
Like, I can feel when I see a hot chick, and I'm like, oh, if I was a piece of shit, I'd cheat on my girlfriend. Well,

Speaker 17 you almost made it out of this without getting in real trouble with your girlfriend.

Speaker 71 That was the moment right there.

Speaker 17 You better tell her how much you love her again.

Speaker 83 Look at that camera right there.

Speaker 18 That's the great Mega on Camera One.

Speaker 109 Baby, I love you so much.

Speaker 73 There you go.

Speaker 6 Cameron, you have a big joke book?

Speaker 130 Yeah.

Speaker 6 All right, there you go. You got it.

Speaker 147 He's already got one.

Speaker 118 Cameron, mine.

Speaker 136 We're flying through it.

Speaker 150 Whether you're a homeowner creating your dream space or a pro managing multiple projects, discover a new way to shop at Ferguson Home where great ideas become stunning spaces.

Speaker 150 Visit fergusonhome.com to explore the best selection of bath, kitchen, and lighting products.

Speaker 150 Or book an appointment at one of our showrooms where you can experience products firsthand and get personalized expert support every step of the way.

Speaker 150 Bring your vision to Ferguson Home, where it all comes together. Shop top brands like Newport Brass or find your local showroom at FergusonHome.com.

Speaker 73 All right.

Speaker 126 Ooh, this definitely looks like a new name.

Speaker 21 Make some noise for your next comedian, Doc Fairey.

Speaker 132 Doc Fairey.

Speaker 68 What a name.

Speaker 47 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 51 Oh, God.

Speaker 96 I feel like everybody looking at me right now knows exactly who I voted for.

Speaker 96 I like to ragdoll women in the bedroom. Not very fond of women right now.
Me and my wife were arguing in the car. She said, I wish you were nicer.
I said, bitch, I wish you were Asian.

Speaker 96 I don't think either one of us is going to win this one.

Speaker 96 She said, I wish you would talk to me the way you want to be talked to.

Speaker 37 I said, oh, you want me to talk to you recordees?

Speaker 118 How about a brother?

Speaker 96 We ain't married anymore.

Speaker 96 Not very fond of women, but I still have a fantasy.

Speaker 100 It's pretty easy.

Speaker 96 I want to date a black chick from the year 1868.

Speaker 9 Now hear me out.

Speaker 53 Hear me out. It'll all make sense.

Speaker 96 I know what you all are thinking, that whole thing, but let me educate you slavery officially ended in the year 1865 the only reason I wanted one from 68 because I heard them bitches was off the chain and that sounded like fun to me

Speaker 118 thank you my name's Doc Wow Doc Berry's first appearance on the show

Speaker 6 I've never seen people move out of the way in their lives than

Speaker 81 your ass coming out trying to pull the Triple H spit move.

Speaker 57 Before they were going open mouths, fucking, they were happy when he was doing it.

Speaker 35 These people were dodging fucking

Speaker 41 bullets over here.

Speaker 102 Doc, welcome to the show.

Speaker 85 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 96 Just short of two years, and this is my second time on the show.

Speaker 23 Two years.

Speaker 87 Second time on the show, really?

Speaker 100 What happened your first time?

Speaker 94 I did all right.

Speaker 96 Interview went a lot better.

Speaker 51 Talked about my slut third wife.

Speaker 17 Okay, remind us, what happened with your slut third wife?

Speaker 96 I was working in Afghanistan, and while I was gone, she was back here putting herself on Craigslist personals.

Speaker 96 And she was having sex with a whole bunch of guys, usually five to seven at a time. Yeah.

Speaker 85 Yeah. And are you the last comedian's father?

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 96 You never know.

Speaker 51 You never know.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 104 Okay, so that was about what, a year ago?

Speaker 31 About two years ago, just short two.

Speaker 38 You were on this show.

Speaker 77 So how's life been going for the last two years?

Speaker 17 You've been doing stand-up non-stop?

Speaker 96 I have extreme anxiety, extreme ADHD, so I get out when I can. I have problems getting to the club by myself

Speaker 31 what do you mean by that

Speaker 96 I'm a recluse I it's very hard for me to get out and meet people I to stand in front of this many people very comfortable back there dying that's amazing very interesting yeah very interesting tell us more about like what's the worst scenario that you've had where you're AD or whatever you think that is

Speaker 23 whatever you diagnose that as yeah extreme what? Social anxiety?

Speaker 96 There's an extreme social anxiety that goes with it. If you've ever seen like the signs and symptoms, I got all that stupid shit.
I don't like people telling me what to do. You know, just weird shit.

Speaker 96 But it kind of made sense when I look back at my life and say, oh, this is what the fuck is going on. You know, I'm not retarded.

Speaker 33 I have an issue.

Speaker 118 Right.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Okay, so what do you, where do you think the song is?

Speaker 29 You might be retarded.

Speaker 113 We don't.

Speaker 5 I know.

Speaker 96 My bus only had six rows, but I thought that was because the route was short.

Speaker 17 So where do you think all this anxiety and stuff comes from?

Speaker 23 Did something happen to you?

Speaker 47 Yes.

Speaker 51 Oh, yes.

Speaker 96 I was in the Army for 23 years.

Speaker 96 I deployed three times with that.

Speaker 51 After that, I

Speaker 96 worked in Afghanistan for eight years. I was a personal security medic for the ambassador over there.
So that was exciting bombs every,

Speaker 96 like at least twice a week. But when I was going through the retirement physical, they said, you have PTSD.
I said, I do. They said, yep, but it's not from more.
It's from your ex-wives.

Speaker 51 I got three of them.

Speaker 5 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 47 Three too many. Wow.

Speaker 87 PTSD.

Speaker 103 The only thing worse than PTSD?

Speaker 75 AT ⁇ T.

Speaker 66 The running theme today.

Speaker 113 Nobody likes that.

Speaker 132 The theme of the night.

Speaker 62 Interesting stuff, Doc.

Speaker 85 How do you make a living?

Speaker 17 You're just on.

Speaker 96 Well, I'm retired right now.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 96 And I also go to school. I'm going to HVAC school in the mornings.
Nice. And I got a property with seven air conditioning units, and I'm tired of paying $1,500 every time one breaks down.

Speaker 101 So I said, I'm going to school to learn how to do it myself.

Speaker 107 Hell yeah.

Speaker 22 And you're learning.

Speaker 24 Meh.

Speaker 118 All right.

Speaker 19 How about for fun?

Speaker 102 What are you doing other than stand-up for fun?

Speaker 96 I play beach volleyball a little bit.

Speaker 25 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 79 Wow, I would just... Do I look that old?

Speaker 100 You're full of surprises.

Speaker 25 Really? I do?

Speaker 23 Yeah, you don't look like a beach volleyball guy.

Speaker 96 Oh, I kind of, you know.

Speaker 35 You have something for this one?

Speaker 101 No, Tom,

Speaker 63 I'm thinking of

Speaker 51 a fucking Halloween.

Speaker 31 No, I don't think I have.

Speaker 47 No, fuck.

Speaker 59 I don't know. Let me see.

Speaker 122 Fuck, I don't think I do.

Speaker 52 No.

Speaker 59 You have anything for my props are talking to me like, nothing, honey.

Speaker 10 How about for a war veteran?

Speaker 63 Anything for a war veteran?

Speaker 101 A war veteran?

Speaker 122 No, no.

Speaker 59 My brother's retired military. God bless the military.
I love my military.

Speaker 31 We do do love the military.

Speaker 82 I'm trying to think if I have anything.

Speaker 93 Thank you.

Speaker 6 I have a...

Speaker 8 You said...

Speaker 61 Now, don't cut this the wrong way and make me look bad, right?

Speaker 112 Because you fuckers will do this.

Speaker 118 No, we won't.

Speaker 59 We made a joke about, he said the retarded word. And I'm not going to say it's retarded.

Speaker 59 It was a bank tube for rednecks that has a gun and a note inside the tube. It would say, give me all your money or shoot yourself.

Speaker 66 And send it over to us.

Speaker 64 And you're like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 51 You literally stole that from a bank, by the way.

Speaker 104 No, I did.

Speaker 13 The only way to get it.

Speaker 82 No, I didn't. No, I did.

Speaker 59 No, my first, I swear to God, sorry, I interrupted your beautiful.

Speaker 59 My first prop I ever did, and this is not a joke, is I stole a neighborhood crime watch today.

Speaker 124 No, my first joke.

Speaker 59 And I was in my dorm and my friend said, you're going to try to do comedy? I said, you're not funny. I said, I know.

Speaker 59 But I had this sign, and I thought, what a great thing to open with, right? I said, sorry, I'm late. I was in the neighborhood, and everybody would laugh.

Speaker 59 And I said, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking signs?

Speaker 61 It takes 20 minutes to get that.

Speaker 82 And then I started stealing shit.

Speaker 153 I started going to the bank tubes.

Speaker 59 I started stealing things from the airplane. Look at this one.
This is great. I stole this from the airplane.

Speaker 51 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 59 You know, what's great about this is when you,

Speaker 68 I forgot my own joke.

Speaker 59 When you sit next to the guy in the airplane, you reach over, you wake him up and say, dude, we're going down.

Speaker 29 I'm sorry.

Speaker 139 Thank you for putting up with my dick.

Speaker 118 It's amazing.

Speaker 59 This crowd is amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 28 Doc, so interesting.

Speaker 59 Sorry, I ain't fucked up about that.

Speaker 17 Are the other comedians nice to you? You're kind of older.

Speaker 51 You're out there at the same time.

Speaker 96 No one talks to me. And so I'm not getting anything out of like doing open mics.
I'm getting no feedback. I'm used to sitting in front of crowds, so I don't need it for that.

Speaker 96 So I actually, on my property, I built a comedy club, and I do all my stand-up and everything in there by myself, and I have to trust that what I do is funny.

Speaker 48 Really? That's awesome.

Speaker 85 That is amazing.

Speaker 96 So I go through my head when I do jokes. I allow myself with the ADHD, I go with it, and I daydream.
And I daydream about being on stage.

Speaker 96 I daydream about my favorite comedians doing the same jokes that I'm writing and how they would do it and how they look. And I can even see them do a joke and it's not funny.

Speaker 53 It's not funny.

Speaker 132 That's pretty awesome though.

Speaker 96 I do it about myself and it's not funny.

Speaker 144 Do you live stream it or anything so you can get some kind of feedback?

Speaker 96 I am just, I just opened up a business with a partner and we are going to start doing live streaming, things like that. So we're really starting to take off this coming month.

Speaker 101 That's great.

Speaker 59 You should have

Speaker 59 the sound effect. Sorry.

Speaker 59 Which sound effect?

Speaker 59 With a crowd screaming and you have your club built, right?

Speaker 66 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 59 and it's all mannequins and you have a sound effect of different I actually have mannequins

Speaker 17 The last time you were on you just got a little joke book I got a medium joke book.

Speaker 70 Well, I'll tell you what buddy you're moving up to a big joke

Speaker 6 Doc Ferry everybody with his second appearance on the show

Speaker 36 Showing some improvement.

Speaker 113 Let's do a one last bucket pull, huh?

Speaker 80 Let's Let's knock it out.

Speaker 17 This looks like a fun name.

Speaker 36 Make some noise for Jim Tally, everybody.

Speaker 71 Jim Tally.

Speaker 9 How y'all doing tonight? Good?

Speaker 152 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 152 Austin has a lot of crazy homeless people. This is a fact.
I swear to God, this is what happened to me. I'm pumping gas the other day.

Speaker 152 This homeless white lady's walking around the parking lot yelling.

Speaker 74 He's a nigger.

Speaker 148 He's a nigger.

Speaker 152 Then she looks right at me.

Speaker 148 You're a nigger.

Speaker 33 And I fucking spazz.

Speaker 148 I'm like, yo, who the fuck you think you're talking to?

Speaker 101 Then she goes, oh, my bad.

Speaker 152 I just wanted a cigarette.

Speaker 63 What?

Speaker 148 You got Tourette's, bitch? The fuck?

Speaker 148 She's like, what the fuck was that? She's like, I'm sorry.

Speaker 125 I didn't mean anything by it.

Speaker 63 I love black people.

Speaker 148 I can't swim neither.

Speaker 66 Huh?

Speaker 148 Bitch, if you don't take this new port.

Speaker 152 I'm serious, man. Speaking of cigarettes, I actually grew up in Africa and I started smoking cigarettes over there.

Speaker 33 And y'all know those warning labels on the cigarettes?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 152 Yeah, in Africa, that shit is fucking weird. Like, I bought a pack of cigarettes over there.
That shit had a picture of flavor flavor on it.

Speaker 51 I thought, I saw that flavor flavor.

Speaker 152 I didn't know that ugly meant cancer, nigga.

Speaker 148 I'm serious. Like, imagine, like, they saw him go, yeah, boy.

Speaker 152 And the Africans was like, put the picture.

Speaker 155 It looks like rubbish. Put the picture out.

Speaker 152 My name is Jim Telly. Thank you.

Speaker 142 Jim Tally.

Speaker 6 Holy Welcome back.

Speaker 153 Hey, man, you know.

Speaker 88 I've been doing the show a few times, right?

Speaker 51 Yeah, yeah, just about two weeks ago.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 31 lucky man.

Speaker 51 I see, man. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 57 How's life been going?

Speaker 23 How's it changed since the last time you were on?

Speaker 152 I just saw Triple H now.

Speaker 61 I just, I did too.

Speaker 82 And Keratop?

Speaker 59 And Reba McIntyre.

Speaker 75 Nice to meet you.

Speaker 111 Thank you.

Speaker 121 Thank you.

Speaker 111 Thank you.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 153 Jesus, man.

Speaker 66 Good watching. Wow.

Speaker 36 Triple H, Ahmed Johnson.

Speaker 134 Good reading.

Speaker 70 Yeah, that's a crazy, crazy reference.

Speaker 152 I ain't gonna lie, I've been getting John Jones a lot, and I don't like it.

Speaker 111 Right.

Speaker 152 I don't like it at all.

Speaker 23 That makes sense.

Speaker 86 I could see why that would be.

Speaker 23 Yeah, Jim Telly.

Speaker 79 So let's talk about it.

Speaker 51 What's going on, man?

Speaker 19 Tell us something you haven't heard.

Speaker 28 You were just on two weeks ago.

Speaker 51 Oh, shit.

Speaker 60 I've been working a lot.

Speaker 152 I've been working on some more impressions. I've been actually working on an impression of you.

Speaker 66 Oh, God.

Speaker 51 Oh, God.

Speaker 147 All right. Let's hear it.

Speaker 51 Unbelievable.

Speaker 152 We're really doing it, Red Red Band. We're really doing it.

Speaker 152 I ain't gonna lie, Tony kind of sounds like if a banana could talk.

Speaker 125 Like a cartoon banana?

Speaker 60 I'm just saying, all right.

Speaker 59 That's a good impression, actually.

Speaker 16 I thought.

Speaker 17 Let's face it, if a banana could talk, that'd be the last friend you ever needed in the world, wouldn't it?

Speaker 84 Shut up, you're gonna oh.

Speaker 66 You're gonna oh,

Speaker 6 you're gonna oh,

Speaker 118 really?

Speaker 111 Come on.

Speaker 6 How good, nigga? He's clapping.

Speaker 118 That was good.

Speaker 51 He's laughing.

Speaker 28 All right, Jim.

Speaker 18 That was good, nigga.

Speaker 17 What are we missing here, though?

Speaker 28 What other impressions have you been working on?

Speaker 152 I could do a few impressions. I could do Shannon Sharp.

Speaker 63 I can do.

Speaker 16 Wait, what is Shannon Sharp doing in this impression?

Speaker 51 All right, here we go.

Speaker 51 Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 152 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Clip Saysay. Today we're going to have him on our panelists.

Speaker 51 He is the host of Kill Tony.

Speaker 107 All right.

Speaker 152 He is the most hated man in Puerto Rico.

Speaker 33 Ladies and gentlemen, Tony, he's clear.

Speaker 147 That's actually a good impression. What else are you working on?

Speaker 152 I don't know. You could do like Mike Tyson, I think.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 80 White liberal lady out here.

Speaker 44 Virtue signaling white lady can't help herself when a black man.

Speaker 69 Do it.

Speaker 66 Do it, black man.

Speaker 8 Right? Do what I say.

Speaker 98 Damn, man. Do it.

Speaker 136 Say please next time, bitch.

Speaker 60 All right.

Speaker 33 I don't want to do this shit now, man.

Speaker 65 I know, right?

Speaker 66 They ruined everything.

Speaker 118 Like, you weren't going to do it.

Speaker 15 No. Every other thing.

Speaker 126 You said the name of the thing, and then you did it.

Speaker 20 This lady wanted to feel like a boss.

Speaker 62 Give her a new port. Let's get out.

Speaker 14 Jim, you got a big joke book last time you were.

Speaker 51 Well, there you go.

Speaker 17 It's been a couple weeks.

Speaker 84 You got very lucky.

Speaker 39 A couple bucket pulls were just done two weeks ago.

Speaker 138 We did it, man.

Speaker 39 There's only one place to go from here.

Speaker 6 ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 8 We have a Hall of Fame while we're here with two-time, two-entry Hall of Fame member, Triple H, guest of the year nominee, Carrot Top.

Speaker 54 Let me remind you, this episode is brought to you by Open Phone Prize Picks and Nicked.

Speaker 126 And WWE and ESPN start September 20th.

Speaker 80 John Cena versus Brock Lesnar at WrestlePalooza.

Speaker 88 I mean, this is huge.

Speaker 36 I've been watching wrestling my whole life.

Speaker 17 ESPN and WWE combining forces.

Speaker 15 completely insane.

Speaker 41 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 44 And we have a Hall of Famer.

Speaker 10 This man has the record for most appearances all time.

Speaker 6 Most interviews all time.

Speaker 39 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from a man some people call God's favorite comedian.

Speaker 6 The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine.

Speaker 66 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 4 I look like the love child of Triple H and Carrot Top after a passionate night of hot, steamy steroids.

Speaker 4 Let's give it up for Kill Tony's very own Cam Patterson for joining the cast of Saturday Night Live.

Speaker 4 My question is, did Saturday Night Live not see any of Cam's minutes on Kill Tony?

Speaker 4 Like, is he going to get fired the first episode or the second episode when he screams the N-word for no reason?

Speaker 4 I love Cam, but screaming the N-word is one of the least offensive things he said on Kill Tony. Like, imagine his reaction when he learns a little bit more about Bo and Yang.

Speaker 4 This N-word is gay and Asian? Oh, hell no!

Speaker 4 And I'm not going to lie, I'd love to be invited to join Saturday Night Live. If Stephen Hawking invented a dime machine to the 90s,

Speaker 4 meanwhile, Red Band's dumbass is still waiting to get a callback from the Gong Show.

Speaker 4 Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 111 Wow.

Speaker 120 The powerhouse.

Speaker 9 The undeniable closer of closers.

Speaker 31 The big red machine lights out.

Speaker 17 William Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 4 So nice to be here. And Carrot Top, oh my gosh, I think it was 2003.

Speaker 72 I was in the Memphis airport with my mama and my papa and my brother.

Speaker 4 And I get a tap on my shoulder.

Speaker 31 This is probably 2003.

Speaker 4 I get a tap on my shoulder, and Carrot Top, it is you. And I turn around and you say, What's up, brother? And you shake my hand.
And it was the sweetest thing ever, and I appreciate it.

Speaker 4 And Carrot Top, that taught me every time now I see a red-headed person, I say hello. I try to be nice.

Speaker 4 And Carrot Top, in 2006, I was working at the grocery store by my parents' house, and there's this beautiful red-headed woman that used to come into the store.

Speaker 4 And one day I was like, oh my gosh, I love your hair.

Speaker 4 I love your hair.

Speaker 85 And she looks at me all weird and she's like, yeah, I've thought about data red at a person before, but I'm worried everybody would think it was my brother and feel sorry for me.

Speaker 130 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 So it's just sad. So that's the end of that story.

Speaker 133 It just maybe did like broke my heart.

Speaker 61 Let me give you a hug.

Speaker 4 Let me get a hug. But thank you.
Karen's not really. Thank you.

Speaker 106 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 106 Thank you.

Speaker 4 My wallet. It meant to lot though.

Speaker 153 Hey, yeah,

Speaker 74 when he said, what's up, brother, did your mom get really weird for me?

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 59 You know, that sucks about getting older because I literally have people come to my show and they say, you fuck my mom.

Speaker 59 Right? And then it'll be soon, you fuck my grandma.

Speaker 59 Or your grandpa blew me behind the dumpster. You know, something, some shit like that.

Speaker 41 That is incredible.

Speaker 77 I didn't know redheads had a thing.

Speaker 59 Well, we have a thing.

Speaker 27 I heard about this with black guys.

Speaker 51 We have shorts.

Speaker 35 We have a head nod.

Speaker 28 We wear shorts.

Speaker 28 I didn't realize there was a redhead.

Speaker 74 It's like their scooter wave.

Speaker 87 That is so interesting.

Speaker 66 That's great. I know.

Speaker 72 I wish I had a redheaded joke in here.

Speaker 51 Do you have anything you want to do?

Speaker 28 A Chucky Doll taped to a parking meter or something?

Speaker 24 It's more fucking...

Speaker 68 There's more thought process

Speaker 51 than that, but I like that.

Speaker 59 I'm going to have it next time I come back. I'm going to have a Chuck E.
Doll tape to it.

Speaker 66 What'd you say?

Speaker 51 God met her.

Speaker 47 You know, you have your...

Speaker 5 Well, hold on a second.

Speaker 22 Hold on.

Speaker 82 Yeah, what do you have in there?

Speaker 101 No, I don't know.

Speaker 59 I'm trying to find something good.

Speaker 35 Should we do the turbo round carrot top?

Speaker 17 Anything we didn't get to tonight?

Speaker 122 Well, this is kind of hold on, sockets caught.

Speaker 24 So, so this is shut up,

Speaker 59 so don't look at the secrets, Triple H.

Speaker 89 Okay, so

Speaker 112 so when you when people breastfeed their baby, right,

Speaker 59 people get upset when they breastfeed their baby in public.

Speaker 99 So, I made this so that way it just looks like you're holding,

Speaker 5 right? It's like, hey, hey,

Speaker 9 yeah,

Speaker 61 It's all, it's, it, it, right?

Speaker 4 This up, you and I need to go on shark tank together.

Speaker 51 Yes, we do.

Speaker 51 Fuck we do. I'm telling you, some of you,

Speaker 59 some of this shit, I'm telling you, this is a master. Here's one I could sell in shark tank, besides the toilet paper one, right? That's fucking right.

Speaker 59 This is real. Like, when you, this is one of the very first jokes I thought came up with.
If you don't have time to vacuum your carpet, right? It's really about the lines on the carpet.

Speaker 59 It looks like you vacuumed. So I used to do this when I was 12.
You'd take a carpet roller and roll it on the carpet, and it leaves the vacuum marks. Wow.
And my mom's like, oh, you vacuumed.

Speaker 59 Like, no, I just took a fucking carpet paint roller.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 59 I could tell that's one. Shark tank, I'm telling you and me.

Speaker 56 I could tell that's one of your first ones that you came up with because you hadn't realized yet that

Speaker 20 you didn't even tape it to anything else.

Speaker 50 It's just one thing back then.

Speaker 59 Well, this is the, this is the, this is the early, and this is the

Speaker 8 progression.

Speaker 59 See, this is, it started with this bullshit, and then it came into really clever.

Speaker 2 Could have just vacuumed also.

Speaker 75 It would have taken the same amount of time.

Speaker 4 I start thinking to myself, oh, this is pretty nice standing up here right now. And then I just hear this monster at the edge of the fucking table.

Speaker 66 It's Red Band.

Speaker 54 Red Band and William Montgomery.

Speaker 70 This rivalry is one that will be written about in the history books forever.

Speaker 82 And Red Band, by the way, I get it.

Speaker 61 You shaved your beard, but you still look fat, don't you?

Speaker 47 I'm kidding!

Speaker 88 Red Ban and William will settle the score at WrestlePalooza September 20th only on ESPN.

Speaker 50 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 81 Cena versus Lesnar, Montgomery versus Red Band.

Speaker 4 And Red Band's mom's coming out with me!

Speaker 144 And William has a tattoo of a dick on his chest.

Speaker 153 Wait, what? Wait, yeah, what?

Speaker 113 Carrotop, we got anything else in the middle?

Speaker 101 No,

Speaker 82 I do, but no.

Speaker 77 There's got to be something.

Speaker 53 I see something

Speaker 59 there. This is good.

Speaker 66 Fuck.

Speaker 41 Come on.

Speaker 59 If you set me up, it's not going to be good.

Speaker 112 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 59 I like to walk up to women and I say, do you recognize me? And they say, no, and I said, how about now?

Speaker 48 Or you could go that.

Speaker 126 You can go, how about now?

Speaker 125 I know that, dick.

Speaker 4 Carrot top, hit me about the second part, aren't you? You wouldn't put your penis through there, would you?

Speaker 101 No, what? No.

Speaker 131 You wouldn't put your thing through there, would you?

Speaker 82 No, not again. Not again.

Speaker 77 What else, Carrot Top? We got it.

Speaker 59 No, I think we've blown out the fucking whole thing.

Speaker 119 These people love it.

Speaker 98 Alright, okay.

Speaker 59 Alright, now this one's pretty clever. All right.
It's a little sensitive.

Speaker 67 We love this.

Speaker 79 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 59 Okay. No, hold on a second.

Speaker 47 Fucking no, look.

Speaker 41 Sometimes we see it before you guys.

Speaker 73 It's a little bit.

Speaker 59 Now, this is one of my favorite ones.

Speaker 59 This is one of my favorite ones. I'm proud of this one.
So, gun control, right? It's already sensitive. Gun control.
I know how to fix gun control.

Speaker 59 You can't shoot a gun unless Rubik's Cube has to be lined up just right.

Speaker 61 So, you have to be smart to shoot somebody.

Speaker 59 Like, I'm going to fucking motherfucker.

Speaker 130 I'm going to kill you.

Speaker 59 But you can't shoot.

Speaker 61 By the time you figure it out, they're gone.

Speaker 132 You are.

Speaker 130 I think I'll end on that one.

Speaker 127 I absolutely love it.

Speaker 59 Did Did we announce that you and I are fighting at Meta Square?

Speaker 132 Yeah, that's awesome. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Speaker 19 William, you ever use any props at all in your stand-up?

Speaker 72 Why did some idiot laugh like that about that?

Speaker 101 I don't know.

Speaker 5 Is my notebook a prop? I don't know, Tony.

Speaker 72 My notebooks may be a prop. That's kind of my problem.

Speaker 19 All right, well, we're putting, we're near towards the end here.

Speaker 23 Carrot Top, are you sure there's nothing else in there?

Speaker 5 Oh, God.

Speaker 65 They want holdings.

Speaker 108 All right, so this is the final

Speaker 125 all right, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 59 All right, which one you want? Just one quick one, okay.

Speaker 45 No, it may be a couple. All right, hold on.

Speaker 59 Oh, wait, this is good.

Speaker 59 This is a coffee cup for lesbians. See, they can

Speaker 68 see how did you almost not do that?

Speaker 47 How did I not?

Speaker 66 That's the best one.

Speaker 108 How did I not almost do that?

Speaker 47 That's fucking amazing.

Speaker 59 How do you not fucking do that one?

Speaker 8 Jesus.

Speaker 68 That is unbelievable.

Speaker 68 That's amazing.

Speaker 74 The amount of care that he gives to his props. Yeah.
Top shelf. This thing is held together with tape.
It is.

Speaker 59 And that's the promo right there.

Speaker 61 She caught Keltoni on current.

Speaker 51 Is that Ellen glasses?

Speaker 13 Yeah, it says Ellen on the front.

Speaker 6 That is a true lesbian mug.

Speaker 59 That's a real, well, the horrible thing is it said Ellen on it because that was how old it was. I would say it's Ellen's coffee cup.

Speaker 59 I know, and then I got, and she said, why the fuck would you do it? I said, I'm kidding. I can change it to I can change it to Rosie.
I can change it to anything. Yeah.

Speaker 82 I can put your name on it.

Speaker 19 It works for any lesbian. That's amazing.
Any lesbian.

Speaker 59 See, it was kind of a generic and then I forgot it said Ellen on it.

Speaker 19 No, it's great.

Speaker 47 It's fantastic.

Speaker 101 Look at that, right?

Speaker 59 Hey, next on NBC.

Speaker 77 Is there anything else, Kara?

Speaker 59 No, that's it. We got to end on the good one.

Speaker 81 They want more. These people.

Speaker 54 I'm telling you, Kara, you're up for guests of the year, and Rob Schneider laid it down.

Speaker 5 Rob Schneider?

Speaker 64 Yes.

Speaker 28 You and Rob Schneider are neck to neck.

Speaker 5 I'd be reaching deep in that thing if I was.

Speaker 59 So this is Travis Kelsey's playbook, right? Yeah. That's not a joke.
It's actually...

Speaker 59 That's his playbook, right? Yeah.

Speaker 59 God damn it. This is their prenup.

Speaker 80 That thing is thick.

Speaker 4 Fucking right?

Speaker 108 That is thick like my God.

Speaker 83 That's amazingly topical.

Speaker 101 That's very topical, right?

Speaker 132 That's amazing.

Speaker 73 We're mismaking

Speaker 20 Ellen mug from 25 years ago.

Speaker 51 Right?

Speaker 5 So wait, hold on, so you go from old to current.

Speaker 59 This one I made in your dressing room backstage.

Speaker 5 That's amazing.

Speaker 82 You think I'm kidding?

Speaker 59 You think I'm kidding? No, it doesn't work. Okay, work.
That's amazing. All the kids in my sweatshop work hourlessly behind

Speaker 47 carrot tops, elves, hard at work.

Speaker 132 There, that's it.

Speaker 126 What do you guys think?

Speaker 70 One more? There must be one more.

Speaker 50 Fuck!

Speaker 5 the problem we need one more carrot my movie god

Speaker 59 the problem is they're see i did the a shit earlier i don't know that ellen mug was a hit look it's even called carrot classics that's right

Speaker 59 all right this is which one you all right hold on we're gonna end on the we're gonna end on this one this is pretty clever oh fuck

Speaker 59 shark tank shit

Speaker 59 I made

Speaker 59 I made boots that have the soles reverse so you can't trace their steps.

Speaker 92 Whoa!

Speaker 49 That's actually fucking genius.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 69 Carrot Top.

Speaker 101 It looks like I'm helping criminals, but that's...

Speaker 123 That's amazing.

Speaker 17 Where do people see you in Vegas, Carrot Top?

Speaker 59 At the Luxor.

Speaker 5 Every night.

Speaker 135 Every night, Luxor Casino.

Speaker 6 Every night at the Luxor.

Speaker 130 I'm going tomorrow night, man.

Speaker 36 Go see him and tell him afterwards.

Speaker 36 Kill Tony sent you.

Speaker 17 He's part of the Kill Tony universe. One more time for Carrot Top, everybody.

Speaker 67 everybody.

Speaker 39 Brought to you by Open Phone Prize Picks and Nick.

Speaker 14 Guys, it's a dream come true for me.

Speaker 99 I'll tell you.

Speaker 40 How loud can this place get for Triple H?

Speaker 6 The great Paul Leveck running the WWE better than it's ever been. They're now teamed up with ESPN.

Speaker 20 Two of the most iconic brands in sports entertainment together at once.

Speaker 17 Again, WrestlePalooza is September 20th. Cena vs.

Speaker 44 Lesnar. Everything's going on.
All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service.

Speaker 19 What an honor to have you, sir. Amazing.

Speaker 99 One more time for Carrotop. Thank you, Levi.

Speaker 5 One more time for William Montgomery.

Speaker 6 We did it again. The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 99 E-Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Speaker 8 Ooh, a Cam Patterson.

Speaker 7 And that's about it, guys.

Speaker 8 We did it again, Red Band.

Speaker 3 Check out my fake band, Catbread7, on YouTube, Spotify, and everything.

Speaker 99 Tickets are available now for the New Year's Eve Moody Center.

Speaker 40 Kill Tony, our third year doing an arena in our hometown on New Year's Eve.

Speaker 54 Tickets are still available for that. That will sell out.

Speaker 41 It's moving extremely fast.

Speaker 99 So instead of coming up to me and saying, we always try to get tickets, but we never can. Now's your one chance to do it.

Speaker 54 New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. Do it.

Speaker 44 God bless you guys.

Speaker 113 Thank you so much. Good night.

Speaker 46 Mix the rice to Triple H and Carato.

Speaker 158 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 158 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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