#736 - JAMES MCCANN + DAVE LANDAU

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Hey, this is Rambrian coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 10 Get up for Tony.

Speaker 12 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 13 And that is the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 Make some noise.

Speaker 16 Fernando

Speaker 19 Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar back here.

Speaker 23 Sunglassed up like a real rock star.

Speaker 26 And John D's sunglasses because he naps during the show.

Speaker 28 Secretly napping during the show.

Speaker 30 And there's D-Madness, also sunglasses, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 33 He stays awake the entire time just in case.

Speaker 34 Just in case that vision comes back for a sweet sweet second he doesn't want to miss it he does not sleep he stays awake eyes open

Speaker 33 how do we feel everybody we in a good mood tonight

Speaker 13 Very, very exciting stuff happening.

Speaker 25 This is Kill Tony the number one comedy live

Speaker 40 something in the world.

Speaker 42 We're almost everything.

Speaker 19 We're number one in a lot of different categories now brought to you by Nicked and Prize Picks tonight.

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Speaker 34 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what, huh?

Speaker 28 Get that fucking fly out of here.

Speaker 33 It's the CNN fly.

Speaker 34 They have little drones.

Speaker 22 They bring them to Joe Rogan's club and try to get fucking...

Speaker 51 I'm going to kill this thing before we do this.

Speaker 45 I'm going to kill this fucking thing.

Speaker 53 Come on.

Speaker 43 Where is it? Come on.

Speaker 49 Here we go.

Speaker 40 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 9 Son of a bitch.

Speaker 54 I think it's gone.

Speaker 13 Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode?

Speaker 26 Here we go.

Speaker 52 Every single week, I purposefully book two, sometimes one, sometimes three.

Speaker 59 But I have fun matching up the chemistries.

Speaker 35 I envision how would these two work together every single week.

Speaker 48 I put a lot of thought into this.

Speaker 34 This one is a special one. Two of the guests of the year frontrunners right now for 2025.

Speaker 62 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the greats.

Speaker 13 James McCann and Dave Landau.

Speaker 53 Oh yeah.

Speaker 53 James Donald Forbes McCann is back

Speaker 51 and his new special, Black Israelite, is on YouTube.

Speaker 66 Dave Landau's new book, Party of One, out now on Amazon.

Speaker 48 Welcome back, gentlemen.

Speaker 68 James McCann, one of the most used guests in 2025.

Speaker 70 What a joy it is to be here once again

Speaker 71 at this beautiful club with these beautiful people.

Speaker 72 Dave, hello.

Speaker 69 Hey. Hello.
Wow.

Speaker 41 James is the man.

Speaker 39 We love you.

Speaker 45 Black Israelite out now on YouTube.

Speaker 17 His new pink special.

Speaker 74 Unless it's been taken down by now, but at the moment, it's out and it's cool there.

Speaker 75 I love it.

Speaker 44 I love it James is one of those monsters coming up I love it you're truly one of the funniest people around you guys will see when you watch his new special Dave Landau welcome back buddy how are you makes so nice for Dave I'm doing good man hey how are you

Speaker 62 fresh off of big weekend books out we're gonna have fun brought to you by Nickton Prize picks now you guys have both done this show before so you know but maybe just maybe someone brought their you know significant other that you know while you're they're watching the show every week maybe they're out doing the dishes perhaps or or vacuuming the floors or folding the laundry and you don't know what your what your loved one is listening to well let me tell you while you're out there working on your secret only fans page

Speaker 54 the show's about comedy ton of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds if i pull them out of this bucket Their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 54 They could be the next big stand-up comedy superstar.

Speaker 86 You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a bear.

Speaker 89 It is the West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 90 Interrupts them.

Speaker 67 Comes after the cat.

Speaker 22 We've been doing this 12 and a half years.

Speaker 56 So I've panted out.

Speaker 26 Jesus Christ, I ain't fucking tripping today. This coffee's banging.

Speaker 34 Six shots.

Speaker 75 All right.

Speaker 73 While we wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner that's going to do a minute for you, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 94 He is one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 59 Make some noise for Colin Sledge, everyone.

Speaker 29 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 96 I need a pair of

Speaker 96 a pair of legal titties to suck on.

Speaker 29 Should have saved that for the end.

Speaker 97 My Czech Engine Light's been on for a few months. And I feel like the Czech Engine Light has very feminine energy.

Speaker 98 It's like something's wrong.

Speaker 77 What's wrong?

Speaker 97 Well, if you cared, you would already know.

Speaker 97 My girlfriend thinks The Godfather is too long, but her story about when her coworker was bitchy to her two years ago is

Speaker 97 the perfect length.

Speaker 71 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 66 Colin Sledge.

Speaker 13 Very funny.

Speaker 13 You've done it again.

Speaker 20 One of the very few non-handicapped golden ticket winners that come in

Speaker 86 and and really fucking set it off every time. How do you feel, Colin?

Speaker 101 I feel pretty good.

Speaker 25 How's life been going for you here in Austin?

Speaker 97 Good.

Speaker 51 In Austin?

Speaker 96 I haven't quite moved here yet.

Speaker 82 Oh, you're still up in Houston?

Speaker 97 Yeah, we're looking at places tomorrow.

Speaker 40 Who's we?

Speaker 104 Me and my girlfriend.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 104 All right. What does she do again?

Speaker 97 She takes care of me.

Speaker 97 Yeah, she does comedy.

Speaker 85 Oh, okay.

Speaker 86 Did she start after you?

Speaker 104 She started

Speaker 97 sort of like four or five years ago.

Speaker 44 When did you start?

Speaker 97 Well, I started, I did two years in college and then I took eight years off. So she started before and after me.

Speaker 74 James McCann. Well, do you find this is difficult on the relationship?

Speaker 74 That she was the big star and you know now you're here doing this and are you worried that in a lady Gaga Bradley Cooper situation you'll return home one day?

Speaker 106 And

Speaker 74 because that can be tricky on a relationship.

Speaker 98 Yeah, somewhat.

Speaker 97 I'm not sure I understand the question.

Speaker 74 Is she threatened by your enormous success?

Speaker 65 There might be some degree of resentment.

Speaker 87 Does it ever come up?

Speaker 96 Yes.

Speaker 54 Can you tell us what that's like?

Speaker 97 She accused me of using the shoots and ladders.

Speaker 65 What does that mean?

Speaker 103 It means I took the ladder up or something.

Speaker 107 Can you explain that better?

Speaker 97 So, you know, the game shoots and ladders.

Speaker 67 Do you use this as an analogy a lot?

Speaker 71 It's her analogy.

Speaker 67 Oh, she said this. Yeah.

Speaker 86 Wow, no wonder she's not as famous as you.

Speaker 63 Shoots and ladders from your childhood.

Speaker 42 Milton Bradley 80s board game.

Speaker 98 Please don't get me in trouble.

Speaker 86 Just for that first joke, you really are. Oh, shit.
Mike 4 is not on.

Speaker 39 Try it again.

Speaker 109 So you really are a pedophile.

Speaker 97 No, take his mic away.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 52 Son of a bitch.

Speaker 37 Biggest comedy show in the world.

Speaker 67 We just have mics that don't work up here.

Speaker 53 Unbelievable.

Speaker 96 We went to New York. You met her.

Speaker 105 I don't know if she remembers.

Speaker 97 My girlfriend.

Speaker 111 What? You met my girlfriend in New York.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 97 Thanks for having us.

Speaker 12 That was fun.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 10 I don't know if I really had you.

Speaker 37 What do you, what do you want to do?

Speaker 74 Your girlfriend wasn't the little boy who was cut from broadcast.

Speaker 114 Uh, no.

Speaker 115 Okay, good.

Speaker 116 Just because he said you were a pedophile.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I wondered what that was in reference to, yeah.

Speaker 97 Yeah, Finn again.

Speaker 118 There are some elegant things about you.

Speaker 74 Why do you still have sunglasses on your shirt right now?

Speaker 97 My shirt touching my neck bothers me, so I wear sunglasses to pull it it down.

Speaker 49 God, you're creepy as fuck

Speaker 109 Very funny, but annoyingly creepy the feeling of sunglasses on your neck is better than a shirt.

Speaker 98 Yeah, well, I don't really feel a sunglass, it's this right here that bothers me.

Speaker 27 This isn't what I wanted to talk about.

Speaker 122 What do you want to talk about?

Speaker 35 Segue into something that you want to talk about.

Speaker 95 New York is fun.

Speaker 96 I went to Brooklyn.

Speaker 89 Fucking hive of flies around here, guys.

Speaker 26 Something happening?

Speaker 34 Someone pranking the show?

Speaker 17 Did someone bring fucking frozen flies and then thaw them out?

Speaker 71 Like ants.

Speaker 21 You ever make an ant farm before?

Speaker 86 You just throw them in the fridge.

Speaker 22 Those motherfuckers chill out.

Speaker 97 Oh, I went to the Kill Tony band show in New York.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 55 That was actually, I was high up in edible.

Speaker 125 It was so fucking good. Hell yeah.

Speaker 31 Seriously.

Speaker 126 Everybody had a blast.

Speaker 71 I heard all about it.

Speaker 14 Blue note, packed up.

Speaker 55 See, Pander gets it back on you.

Speaker 97 No, there was this Swedish lady, and she was like playing these old bagpipes, and I had taken edibles, so I was like freaking out.

Speaker 98 It was really fun.

Speaker 45 When you say you were freaking out, what does that mean to you?

Speaker 97 I don't understand jazz music,

Speaker 97 and I usually don't enjoy it either.

Speaker 98 But it was a really good show.

Speaker 31 Okay, I thought that was a big setup coming there for you.

Speaker 97 I went to museums.

Speaker 96 I went to where Luigi shot that guy

Speaker 128 all right

Speaker 128 uh

Speaker 97 i took a train to a train museum

Speaker 63 all right that's enough

Speaker 70 that's just where it's getting good hecklers to try and museum

Speaker 129 i went to a train museum in sacramento last month it was sick

Speaker 118 Some people are good at the set, good at the interview. Some people are bad at the set, great at the interview.

Speaker 29 You are one of those great at the set, and then just, it's like talking to a giant five-year-old.

Speaker 60 I took a train to the train museum.

Speaker 17 It was nice. Thanks for having us.

Speaker 121 I went to the sex museum.

Speaker 20 Why don't you say something funny about it?

Speaker 97 It made me never want to have sex again.

Speaker 69 Why?

Speaker 81 Because it was gross. It was weird.

Speaker 97 I did

Speaker 97 a 4D thing where the chairs are rocking and it sprayed water in my face.

Speaker 27 It was really upsetting.

Speaker 130 Was it like a squirt?

Speaker 55 Like, what was the reason for the water?

Speaker 121 It was like, I don't really understand. It was like, you go into, like, I think you go into a pussy and it sprays water in your face.

Speaker 26 There it is.

Speaker 52 That's how it goes.

Speaker 95 Should I have opened with that?

Speaker 36 No, no, you're doing fine, Colin.

Speaker 131 It's all good, by the way.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 58 Happy birthday.

Speaker 81 Bye.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 71 Wow. All right.

Speaker 90 One more ultra-lame thing to say.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 31 Super crazy. All right.
There he goes.

Speaker 71 Colin Sledge, everyone.

Speaker 132 Oh, Lord.

Speaker 36 These slow-moving flies.

Speaker 31 These flies are out of control, guys.

Speaker 62 We need to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Speaker 67 I'm sure there's ways around it.

Speaker 93 We have 12 fucking production assistants, all of them just watching flies all day, I'm sure.

Speaker 91 Just like, well, that'll be fun.

Speaker 35 Maybe it'll add an exciting element to the show.

Speaker 6 Joe Rogan's Fly Museum.

Speaker 6 Alright.

Speaker 50 I mean, what can I say, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 36 This is one of the wildest bucket pulls.

Speaker 52 She just happened a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 71 She's back.

Speaker 31 She is back.

Speaker 133 Make some noise for Juanita, everybody.

Speaker 134 Kill Tony, um, do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, mental health? Make some noise, yeah?

Speaker 134 That sucks, I don't.

Speaker 134 Just a perfectly normal 37-year-old overweight transgender comedy prodigy.

Speaker 99 Killing the game.

Speaker 134 I am, you know, a friend of the show and my 400-pound friend, Sally Contreras, she struggles with her mental health and she confided in me one day. She said,

Speaker 134 I'm chucking myself into a psych ward because I'm not feeling well. And I told her, that is good because you're taking action.

Speaker 134 She goes, people keep telling me that, but what I want to do is walk my ass onto oncoming traffic.

Speaker 134 I told her, girl, don't you dare say that. And don't you dare do that.

Speaker 134 You're just going to fuck up somebody's car.

Speaker 134 400 pounds. I'm a good friend, though.
I gave her advice.

Speaker 74 I said, you should walk in front of a train.

Speaker 95 It's more efficient.

Speaker 33 Okay, Juanita.

Speaker 86 Hell yeah. How do you feel about that, Juanita?

Speaker 85 I feel great.

Speaker 77 Hell yeah.

Speaker 137 I find it odd that you called out your friend by name on a huge show.

Speaker 100 Oh, and then talked about how they were suicidal.

Speaker 82 It's kind of crazy to do.

Speaker 67 Do you notice that you did that at all?

Speaker 138 No, I did.

Speaker 134 We've talked about talking about it on the show.

Speaker 103 So you kind of like plugged her just then.

Speaker 44 Like I was talking about how she wanted to kill herself on the biggest show in the industry.

Speaker 92 Do you think about these things?

Speaker 86 Have you become a woman that much to where you've become that selfish?

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 90 The ladder.

Speaker 89 No, no, but we did talk about it.

Speaker 134 That was actually a conversation that we had.

Speaker 86 So it was planned?

Speaker 134 No, it happened a long time ago, but this is the first time I was able to do it as a bit.

Speaker 54 Alright, I like how your voice gets deeper,

Speaker 120 the deeper into sentences you go.

Speaker 68 No, we talked about it, but...

Speaker 2 It's really what we wanted to do here.

Speaker 33 There's a point where you get tired of having to keep up the act a little bit.

Speaker 119 We have to see it.

Speaker 63 It's about seven seconds into a sentence.

Speaker 32 She just starts talking, get into the way.

Speaker 57 Yeah, no, I mean, like, it was really cool because, like, that's what we're into.

Speaker 119 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Come on now. Say my name three times.
Let's go.

Speaker 40 All right.

Speaker 67 Want you to remind us, how do you make money?

Speaker 134 Oh, we're going to, as a waitress, at a restaurant right now.

Speaker 45 Waitress, where are you at?

Speaker 143 Tuckies?

Speaker 119 All right.

Speaker 31 That doesn't even make sense.

Speaker 63 That's a gas station.

Speaker 30 Instead of Bucky's, Tucky's, anybody?

Speaker 9 Fresses.

Speaker 132 Tucky cheese.

Speaker 50 Tucky cheese, even

Speaker 17 red band, tucky cheese.

Speaker 27 Tucky dick cheese.

Speaker 95 No, I work at a restaurant called Fresses.

Speaker 43 Fresses. Oh, yes.

Speaker 85 Absolutely.

Speaker 51 Absolutely.

Speaker 44 Juanita, what do you do for fun? What do we not know about you?

Speaker 86 You've been on the show a couple times.

Speaker 51 You're very lucky with getting pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 134 It's been crazy. I actually was like thinking about like,

Speaker 134 I didn't ever mention. My family doesn't know that I'm trans, just my two sisters.

Speaker 94 Really?

Speaker 60 Who would be most shocked to know that you're trans?

Speaker 85 Oh, probably my mom.

Speaker 112 Right.

Speaker 67 I love it. When you get serious,

Speaker 10 probably my mom.

Speaker 37 Is it bad that I'm making fun of you for that?

Speaker 71 You're good, right?

Speaker 54 You have a great sense of humor, Juanita.

Speaker 109 I love it. Can your family see you?

Speaker 20 That's a good question.

Speaker 28 No, I like, I have to, like,

Speaker 134 dress down. Like, I was like, wear a hat or something.

Speaker 85 Wear like a button down.

Speaker 26 Do you answer?

Speaker 95 Yeah, go ahead, Dave.

Speaker 109 I'm almost to the point where, but honestly, like you're you're you're male to female?

Speaker 69 Yes.

Speaker 64 No, I don't know I don't.

Speaker 144 Quarter T-Rex, maybe.

Speaker 71 Who knows?

Speaker 109 No.

Speaker 109 Wai Juanita?

Speaker 134 Oh, that's just a stage name. Like, your real name is like Juana.

Speaker 109 Oh, that's your... Okay, so what nationality are you?

Speaker 75 Pardon?

Speaker 109 What nationality?

Speaker 134 Oh, I'm Mexican.

Speaker 52 Oh, okay. Okay.

Speaker 109 I just was curious.

Speaker 51 Okay. There's a lot going on south of her border.

Speaker 71 I sure say yeah.

Speaker 126 Is it legal?

Speaker 61 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 109 I'm sure it's not

Speaker 80 Not for long in Texas.

Speaker 81 It's amazing that your family doesn't know how often do you see your mom?

Speaker 134 What do you mean? Maybe like once a year, like Christmas.

Speaker 145 And what do you do? You just wan up for that?

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Just go straight wan.

Speaker 11 Literally.

Speaker 79 Put on a baseball cap.

Speaker 58 Fucking.

Speaker 109 Would your mom want you out of the family?

Speaker 85 She might, I don't know.

Speaker 74 I assume you started to trans later, but you're Mexican. So you didn't have a kinsinera?

Speaker 134 No, I didn't.

Speaker 111 So you're a girl.

Speaker 85 Oh, yeah, you're right. I still have a girl.
You're not a woman.

Speaker 117 I'm still a woman.

Speaker 63 Explain to the 96% of people listening, they don't know what you're doing.

Speaker 5 When a Mexican girl turns 15, the community decides that she's now sexually available and they put her

Speaker 8 in a very low-cut, busty gown.

Speaker 142 And they go to a park and they clog it up for like hours.

Speaker 129 I didn't know about this before I came to this country, but...

Speaker 133 Did the last comic tell you about that?

Speaker 74 No.

Speaker 80 I like that you mentioned trains as well, though.

Speaker 10 That's great.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Will you have a kinsiniera?

Speaker 81 I mean, if you help me throw it, James.

Speaker 65 No.

Speaker 9 That would be fun.

Speaker 71 But I was interested.

Speaker 140 I mean, like, would you show up?

Speaker 134 Would you make an appearance?

Speaker 74 Would you make an appearance? No, I'm a very...

Speaker 16 Would you make an appearance, James?

Speaker 10 I would make an appearance.

Speaker 4 Where is she?

Speaker 10 Tell us, James, when you go to the park.

Speaker 9 Do you want to go to the park?

Speaker 9 You'll have fallen into the woman, but I was born.

Speaker 128 Go to the park and you will find under second base on the third little league field a note. Read that note and it will tell you what to do next.

Speaker 148 If you don't solve the riddle, I'm going to butt fuck you, James.

Speaker 15 Sincerely, Juanita.

Speaker 90 He's right.

Speaker 150 Wow, Juanita.

Speaker 87 You ever get bullied in real life life or anything?

Speaker 12 Like out on the streets, any of these wild crackheads ever talk shit or flirt with you?

Speaker 85 What goes on? One of them called me a f ⁇ et.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 96 I was like walking by.

Speaker 99 He was like, hey, f ⁇ .

Speaker 109 I apologize for that.

Speaker 132 Apology except.

Speaker 134 I know. I was like, oh, man, can I say the N-word?

Speaker 75 It was a block.

Speaker 71 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 11 He called me a f ⁇ .

Speaker 74 Let me tell you, just because someone says you can or it feels like the right time I found out you still can't

Speaker 109 you can if he's sucking your dick

Speaker 23 Juanita how's the sex life been lately whiskey whole or has it been all moistened up?

Speaker 69 No

Speaker 134 I'm like I live with like a like this like comic. He's like a 6'2 jujitsu guy.

Speaker 120 Alright, don't say his name or his fucking address or anything, Juanita.

Speaker 134 No, but

Speaker 134 like I it used to be that I had to like go and hang out at the bar by myself, and then somebody would always like approach me, but now I'm always with him, so I'm going through a dry spell.

Speaker 134 Everyone, I think, like, they just

Speaker 113 literally, like, have like a meltdown through a sentence.

Speaker 109 It's when you say words that aren't feminine, when you're like, it's very dry.

Speaker 134 I feel like that's very feminine.

Speaker 123 It's kind of no hard.

Speaker 69 Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 21 Juanita, we love you. You've been on the show many times.
You did it again. Another minute.

Speaker 13 There you go.

Speaker 13 Another interview.

Speaker 122 Another Juanita.

Speaker 76 There they go.

Speaker 133 Oh, my God.

Speaker 152 Thank God Almighty.

Speaker 71 No caulking balls there, boys.

Speaker 66 Oh, we have a bug zapper.

Speaker 33 And we handed it to the

Speaker 24 least likely person to

Speaker 33 effectively handle that without knocking over anything or hitting anyone.

Speaker 36 So perfect. How exciting.

Speaker 1 Howdy duty.

Speaker 154 This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. Look, you and I make decisions every day, but on prize picks, being right can get you paid.

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Speaker 3 I developed it, and the blistering rash lasted for weeks. Don't learn the hard way, like I did.
Talk to your doctor or pharmacist today. Sponsored by GSK.

Speaker 62 All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody.

Speaker 33 It's Pat O'Neal, everyone.

Speaker 122 Pat O'Neal.

Speaker 122 Folks,

Speaker 156 been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes.

Speaker 64 You ever try putting one of these out on your kid? Nothing, no reaction.

Speaker 129 Generation Soft. It's a big reason why.

Speaker 94 Other day, my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American.

Speaker 68 I was like, no shit, his name's Tiger Woods.

Speaker 102 Dad's name, Bear Forest.

Speaker 157 Gonna watch what you say now, though.

Speaker 104 Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word f anymore.

Speaker 113 So now I just ignore my little brother

Speaker 156 to be on the right side of history.

Speaker 104 And you shouldn't call them midgets anymore either. No.

Speaker 158 They prefer the term Mexican women.

Speaker 64 Ah, yes, midgets, the original pocket pussies.

Speaker 121 Or as pedophiles call them close enough, you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Not saying to me.

Speaker 152 Chat O'Neal, you did it, buddy.

Speaker 33 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 13 Full minute, 15.

Speaker 55 Laughs throughout.

Speaker 14 I didn't hear the cat. I'm sorry.
You're good. You're good.

Speaker 158 So nervous, Tony. I wish I was retarded right now.

Speaker 37 I bet there's a lot going on in that head.

Speaker 78 You constantly look like you're being electrocuted at all times.

Speaker 125 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 34 You look like you could charge phones just by touching them.

Speaker 102 All right, well, I think we could still be friends after that.

Speaker 58 Hell yeah.

Speaker 17 I don't know what the fuck that means, but you're doing great, Pat.

Speaker 35 You're a funny guy.

Speaker 118 You were, I remember you from the Netflix taping here a while back.

Speaker 83 How's life changed since being on

Speaker 99 I'm an open micer.

Speaker 85 Oh, perfect.

Speaker 85 Perfect, right?

Speaker 104 Bad at networking.

Speaker 156 Bad. And by that.

Speaker 25 Bad at networking.

Speaker 107 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 104 Tell us more. That I'm unlikable.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 75 All right.

Speaker 60 That doesn't mean you don't have a chance.

Speaker 85 Look at me.

Speaker 53 Fair enough.

Speaker 51 I would say you're much more likable than me, I would say.

Speaker 103 I mean, look at you.

Speaker 102 I like you.

Speaker 17 Thanks, buddies.

Speaker 56 You know what, let's get the fuck out of here, dude.

Speaker 34 Remind us, Pat, what do you do for work?

Speaker 109 I work for like a mortgage company. It's not.

Speaker 78 I thought you said morgue at first, and I would have believed that.

Speaker 25 You have morgue energies.

Speaker 74 James McCann. I've been thinking about the energy.
I think you have the energy of like documentary footage of a comic from the 80s.

Speaker 116 Yeah, he looks like a headshot, right?

Speaker 80 But like like who goes on to have a huge cocaine problem and do voiceovers in cartoons.

Speaker 74 But there's you look like you're from the past.

Speaker 160 You have a 1980s young man face.

Speaker 70 Am I wrong? Am I just am I going insane?

Speaker 20 No, you're right. You're spot on.

Speaker 109 No, like Dennis Wolfberg, like he died in the 80s.

Speaker 81 You're of another time.

Speaker 37 I love these references, guys, but let's keep it on Pat here.

Speaker 109 Do you know Dennis Wolfberg?

Speaker 117 No?

Speaker 109 Yeah, nobody would. I'm 40.

Speaker 56 That's perfect. Okay, Pat.

Speaker 86 Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Let's talk about it, buddy.

Speaker 87 What do you do with the rest of your life looking what you look like?

Speaker 75 I don't know. I

Speaker 78 like steak.

Speaker 123 I like candy.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 71 I like girls. I like movies.

Speaker 5 You go on dates a lot?

Speaker 115 Yeah, I'm straight.

Speaker 30 Okay. When you go on dates,

Speaker 111 how do you find people?

Speaker 67 Gay people go on dates too, by the way.

Speaker 15 I don't know if you know that.

Speaker 119 They do. They just fuck.

Speaker 4 All right, okay. Straight to that.

Speaker 31 You're very excited tonight, Pat. Look at you.

Speaker 27 Come on, kill Tony.

Speaker 117 You're damn right.

Speaker 64 Big steak.

Speaker 70 I like girls.

Speaker 27 I like candy.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 21 That's the best response I've ever heard.

Speaker 9 It's great.

Speaker 33 This dude's an alien that studied us in this camera.

Speaker 133 I like what everybody likes.

Speaker 55 You've watched a lot of old test footage from the earlier part of the 20th century and you're going,

Speaker 111 they're like girls.

Speaker 72 They're like candy.

Speaker 7 They're like big smiles and good times okay guys just fuck all right I can say that

Speaker 74 I like you got a pot I like I like everything I'm seeing thank you James where are you from

Speaker 102 Massachusetts I live here now okay

Speaker 17 okay there's one returning lady from Massachusetts

Speaker 34 so Pat when you go on these dates where do you find these uh victims people

Speaker 88 like is it a dating app that you're on or something or well I'm single now fingers crossed we're still still early on.

Speaker 73 I was talking to that girl backstage.

Speaker 132 Heidi?

Speaker 8 Heidi Ida.

Speaker 66 You could be next.

Speaker 4 You could be next. Fuck.

Speaker 120 So, like the last date that you went on, tell us what that was like.

Speaker 51 What did you do?

Speaker 103 What happened?

Speaker 109 Keen Sinera?

Speaker 64 I don't know.

Speaker 145 I've never understood Kinseneras because it's like the day they become a woman, but they're already pregnant.

Speaker 10 Oh, shit.

Speaker 36 Pat O'Neal's got it. Pat O'Neill's got a Kinsiniera joke.

Speaker 63 There it is.

Speaker 50 So, Pat, this last date that you've avoided the question on nine times successfully, we're back at it.

Speaker 35 Last date you were on.

Speaker 157 I mean, honest answer.

Speaker 96 I just broke up with my lady friend who's

Speaker 104 also a very delightful comic.

Speaker 95 Perfect.

Speaker 44 Why did you break up with her?

Speaker 102 I live here.

Speaker 44 Oh, she lives somewhere else.

Speaker 93 Massachusetts still?

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 51 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 44 And how did you do it?

Speaker 29 Over the the phone?

Speaker 85 Well, I didn't do it. Look at me.

Speaker 50 She broke up with you?

Speaker 163 Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 143 What did she say to you?

Speaker 159 Did it come as a surprise to you?

Speaker 73 She said, we're not dating. I don't know.

Speaker 10 Sort of a blur.

Speaker 109 Did she just. She did break into her house?

Speaker 44 No, it's a long-distance relationship or else he would have.

Speaker 34 So

Speaker 104 she kind of broke your heart when this happened? Nah, Nah, nah.

Speaker 137 How recently did this happen?

Speaker 21 No, nah.

Speaker 90 Just starts crying.

Speaker 55 Nah, see?

Speaker 56 Nah, nah, never.

Speaker 37 You can't break a heart which doesn't exist.

Speaker 36 I ate candy and steak and filled that pot of my soul because that's what I do because I'm a real human being.

Speaker 26 Come here, let me charge your phone for you.

Speaker 86 Let's talk about it, Pat.

Speaker 29 You hear that gentle piano music. You know what that means.

Speaker 10 Toast three weeks ago okay pat all right

Speaker 17 you're such a funny looking guy

Speaker 145 it's incredible everything about you is so comedic

Speaker 73 it was three oh spotlights gone

Speaker 145 you ever do funny stuff at the mortgage place No, no, I was lucky to keep it after Netflix, so they're good people and they will.

Speaker 104 When you go on dates or you work, do you like comb your hair different or anything like that?

Speaker 36 That's actually a great question, Red Band.

Speaker 82 I put the Rurgan on way too close to a sun hat this afternoon, so it's worse than normal.

Speaker 129 The question was: when you go on a date, I don't know what it looks like right now, but yes, I tried it.

Speaker 27 I tried it.

Speaker 71 It's pretty wild right now.

Speaker 74 I don't know if you've ever seen the portrait of Mao Zedong, but it looks like

Speaker 125 looks like your forehead has a thong on right now.

Speaker 55 Red Band.

Speaker 54 Wow, it is incredible.

Speaker 79 Do people just like laugh at you sometimes when they see you?

Speaker 64 Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 104 I'm having my looks insulted by Red Band right now, so we're alone.

Speaker 66 If that isn't

Speaker 27 all you need to know about the shit I get.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 33 You're a funny guy, Pat.

Speaker 130 Red Band, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 66 You already have a big joke book, right?

Speaker 71 There he goes.

Speaker 119 Pat and Neil, everybody.

Speaker 119 Hell yeah.

Speaker 35 Wacky-looking guy.

Speaker 50 All right, we're going to keep this fun train moving along.

Speaker 33 Your third bucket pull goes by the name of Olivia Coughlin, everybody.

Speaker 15 Olivia Coughlin.

Speaker 164 Jill Biden is a historic figure. She was a first lady and a fake doctor.

Speaker 164 And during the Biden administration, she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America.

Speaker 164 The Biden administration was kind of like America's next top model, but for female presidents with different random women all taking turns trying out his power. It was a shit show, and Jill won.

Speaker 164 So speaking of America, I came home the other day and I found my cleaner eating my salad.

Speaker 164 She was in the kitchen hunched over eating out of the takeout box and I walked in and then she like freaked out when she saw me and like ran to put it away and was like, ah, Media!

Speaker 164 And

Speaker 85 oh, I forgot.

Speaker 151 I forgot my bit.

Speaker 151 I forgot the rest of it.

Speaker 71 Sorry.

Speaker 89 She was like, oh, Leah.

Speaker 164 Oh, and I didn't realize, I didn't know what was going on at first because I didn't realize it was my salad she was eating. I thought she was just eating her own food.
So.

Speaker 102 okay, that's all.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 56 Olivia Coughlin. Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 18 Is that your first time trying stand-up?

Speaker 9 Yep, first time.

Speaker 10 Holy shit.

Speaker 26 Yeah, I could tell.

Speaker 131 Congratulations.

Speaker 160 It's amazing.

Speaker 34 What made you pick this show to start on?

Speaker 78 I find it so intriguing when people are like, yeah, I'll just fucking go out there and show everybody what's up right from the get before learning, you know, mic technique or not being able to remember an entire 60 seconds or

Speaker 50 calling your housekeeper or made a cleaner yes cleaner somehow that's the most racist thing i think anybody's ever done in the history of the show you just call them a cleaner i thought people would know more if i said cleaner rather than house cleaner i don't know why because housekeeper

Speaker 71 i didn't even say that a housekeeper the keeper of a house well i call her my cleaner oh my god what ethnicity are you um i'm white yeah but what kind of white i'm mostly Irish.

Speaker 164 I know I don't look like it, but yeah.

Speaker 138 Right.

Speaker 109 You should have just said Mexican and saved yourself.

Speaker 63 Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Speaker 37 No doubt about it.

Speaker 74 Like it, as just a tip moving forward, it can sometimes be hard for people to like you on stage when you boast about having a cleaner.

Speaker 71 Like we would all love to have cleaner money.

Speaker 71 It's true.

Speaker 74 But I just, I heard that and I thought, fuck, I wish I was able to afford a salad and a woman to help me.

Speaker 11 I

Speaker 74 say eat Taco Bell after Taco Bell alone in filth.

Speaker 74 Maybe you got some jokes about your private jet to share with us all as well.

Speaker 109 I mean, you don't even pay her enough that she can afford to eat her own fucking salad.

Speaker 164 It was an awkward moment for sure. She's like our lifetime, like, lifelong cleaner, and so I felt

Speaker 165 like a lifelong cleaner.

Speaker 66 Just call her a slave, dude.

Speaker 90 Call her a slave.

Speaker 166 Call her a slave. Call her a slave.

Speaker 132 What ethnicity is she?

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 128 The horn players know what ethnicity she is.

Speaker 20 How do you have a cleaner? What have you been doing with your life?

Speaker 164 This was back at my parents' house, so this was a while ago.

Speaker 95 Are your parents rich?

Speaker 99 They're doing okay.

Speaker 145 What did your dad do for a living?

Speaker 164 My dad's a pilot. My mom's a travel agent.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 99 All right, that's cute.

Speaker 73 And how about you?

Speaker 145 What do you do for for work?

Speaker 164 I just got a job at a tennis place.

Speaker 42 Tennis place?

Speaker 87 Tennis. So what exactly are you doing at a tennis place?

Speaker 164 Tennis thing.

Speaker 164 I clean.

Speaker 99 No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 9 Oh.

Speaker 30 Hey, there's a glimpse of funny in there. Look at that.

Speaker 71 Look at that.

Speaker 90 She accidentally was funny there.

Speaker 31 I like that.

Speaker 42 It's the big moment right there.

Speaker 87 What the fuck are you doing at a tennis place?

Speaker 164 Stringing rackets and helping people.

Speaker 91 You play tennis your whole life or something?

Speaker 118 You just got into the tennis business.

Speaker 164 I just thought I could walk in and just do it and nothing would go wrong and everything would be great.

Speaker 151 That's fucking crazy. And it worked out.
It worked out.

Speaker 99 It was okay.

Speaker 45 So you just basically would have done any job at all and you ended up in tennis?

Speaker 164 Kind of.

Speaker 97 What did you do before that?

Speaker 164 I was trying to be a screenwriter.

Speaker 85 It was difficult. Wow.

Speaker 99 Yeah, it's very difficult. But yeah, I forgot on my word skin.

Speaker 164 Oh my god.

Speaker 151 So yeah, I guess that didn't work out.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 143 Olivia, do people tell you that you're funny a lot?

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 51 What's like the funniest thing you've ever done in your life, you think?

Speaker 77 It's something that happened in which you're like, wow, I think I belong on a comedy stage.

Speaker 164 I don't know. It's more I say funny things when I can remember them and then I don't really do funny things.

Speaker 158 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Did you ever yell at a housekeeper?

Speaker 164 No, I was very nice to her. I pretended like nothing I never saw and I was just like, hey, what's up? And then we just kept going on and yeah.

Speaker 109 You put fentanyl in her salad?

Speaker 164 No, I was going to say that I, whatever, I forgot my joke, but

Speaker 164 I'll do it next time

Speaker 51 no no no no no no no you don't even know what the fuck a salad is shut up you don't know what the fuck

Speaker 50 you just know the dressings

Speaker 52 all right

Speaker 51 do you have any like special skills or talents have you ever done anything in front of a group of people before not not really

Speaker 99 Not what? Not really in front of a crowd, no?

Speaker 91 Not really.

Speaker 57 Like nothing ever before?

Speaker 164 Nothing like on stage, no.

Speaker 45 How about not on stage? What did you do?

Speaker 12 Like Like what do you mean have I ever done anything or what do you know fucking anything?

Speaker 75 Anything at all about you other than the fact that you do string tennis rackets?

Speaker 164 I smoke a lot of weed.

Speaker 75 There we go.

Speaker 102 That's a way to get the

Speaker 48 people on your side.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 164 I chill at home with my roommates.

Speaker 51 How many roommates do you have? Two.

Speaker 77 Why?

Speaker 164 Just because I thought that it would be better to live with some people rather than by myself okay alone no man in your life right no man so why is that i'm very picky oh okay

Speaker 167 i sound like an asshole but i'm not

Speaker 145 that's great that's great let's talk about it when you say you're picky what are things that guys have had or wrong with them in the past that you didn't like

Speaker 164 um maybe like

Speaker 164 not like manly enough.

Speaker 54 Can you give us an example of a time that a man wasn't manly enough?

Speaker 51 Maybe he did something.

Speaker 77 That wasn't manly enough.

Speaker 44 Well, I can't think of it. This is from your life.

Speaker 29 You can think about anything that's happened here.

Speaker 164 Now I'm just thinking about the tennis place. Maybe I can't think of anything.
Well, tennis is pretty feminine. Anyone that plays tennis is not really my type.

Speaker 132 So like.

Speaker 85 James McCann, what are you thinking over here?

Speaker 74 I think Raphael Nadal is sufficiently masculine.

Speaker 8 I mean, who of the...

Speaker 129 There are a lot of men on stage.

Speaker 74 Where is the midpoint? Where is the least manly but acceptably manly man?

Speaker 8 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 72 I mean, am I manly enough for you?

Speaker 69 My voice.

Speaker 69 Wow.

Speaker 57 Yes.

Speaker 10 Whoa.

Speaker 142 Is Tony manly enough?

Speaker 121 I think so.

Speaker 71 Okay, the bar's pretty low.

Speaker 87 So you've broken up with guys in the past because they weren't manly enough, though.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 107 But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough about them.

Speaker 164 I can't think of a specific example, no.

Speaker 74 They said, go out there and punch the cleaner in the throat right now.

Speaker 74 No, you wouldn't have said that.

Speaker 151 Who's the cleaner?

Speaker 115 Sexually weak?

Speaker 81 What? Like they couldn't fuck good?

Speaker 58 I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 Well, that's.

Speaker 164 That is a turnoff for sure.

Speaker 54 What's a turnoff? Sexually weak.

Speaker 109 Coming too quickly.

Speaker 26 Has that ever happened with you?

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Okay, so can you give an example of that?

Speaker 163 Where a man was too sexually weak.

Speaker 17 This is where you would reference during an interview a part of your life.

Speaker 109 You'd like to have your pussy eaten good.

Speaker 152 Here you go, Olivia.

Speaker 126 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 152 You did it.

Speaker 14 You had your first time on the show.

Speaker 13 She started here, as you could tell.

Speaker 152 That Jill Miden material.

Speaker 122 Struggling for 45 seconds.

Speaker 35 Ended it with a cleaner.

Speaker 31 Something about a salad, we'll never really know.

Speaker 2 Wow, imagine that

Speaker 36 the roommates are gonna have to watch that set.

Speaker 62 All right, you're you guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 90 Mix noise for your next bucket pole, everybody.

Speaker 152 It's Mario Z.

Speaker 168 So I'm 45 years old, and on top of looking like Ian Financial Ruin,

Speaker 168 the thing that sucks the most for me is all the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined. You know what I loved? Bill Cosby.

Speaker 168 And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but like I grew up with Bill Cosby. Watch all of his shows, Kids Say the Darndest Things, Fat Albert, The Cosby Show.

Speaker 168 And all of these shows had lessons that taught you how to be a good person, ironically, from Bill Cosby, you know, but like he was my hero, right? So, the allegations came out, I couldn't believe it.

Speaker 168 I was like, that's America's dad.

Speaker 49 And the evidence came out, and I was like, fucking Bill.

Speaker 168 But even though I couldn't defend him, there were people who said dumb shit, like, well, it happened so long ago. What does it even matter? And fuck those people, all right?

Speaker 168 Bill Cosby is going to be remembered for all the bad shit that he did because he wasn't on the Lakers.

Speaker 69 Kobe!

Speaker 168 Hey, maybe if Bill had a fist full of rings instead of a fist full of qualus, maybe we can overlook a couple of things, you know?

Speaker 168 Bill heard the dudes and was dying to get on a helicopter, y'all.

Speaker 168 Thank you.

Speaker 147 All right, Mario Z.

Speaker 18 You've been on this show before, Mario.

Speaker 52 I have. Right.

Speaker 145 Good to see you again.

Speaker 41 Remind me.

Speaker 67 Remind us. How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 168 What do you do for stand-up 12 years for work?

Speaker 117 I'm big porn.

Speaker 36 Okay, what kind of porn do you make?

Speaker 168 Giantess porn with my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was on in December.

Speaker 168 You have a big giantess porn, like 50-foot-woman shit. You guys don't like big titties?

Speaker 168 Okay, what is it again? Giantess porn. So, like, 50-foot-woman stuff.

Speaker 34 Is she really big?

Speaker 168 My wife is taller than me.

Speaker 58 Okay. I did it.

Speaker 24 But what what makes it a giantess porn explain that to okay again to everyone else in the world got it okay other than redpant pig ass

Speaker 10 a love giant is porn boy

Speaker 128 this guy's a fucking tarantino fucking giant you don't even know dude this fucking guy i'm gonna have to prize so many questions for him dude Yeah, excited Redpand is.

Speaker 31 I think my childlike wonder over here.

Speaker 113 I think my ex actually, he made a movie with my ex.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 52 All right, Juanita.

Speaker 147 Let's fucking shout out four people.

Speaker 71 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 168 Yeah, yeah. So I do video editing.
And so the pandemic happened. We moved to Philly and I got a job and we were fucking broke.
I lost the job because it was a shitty job.

Speaker 168 And we were trying to figure out shit to do. And we threw out a video and somebody's like, hey, can you make me this custom? And we're like, well, these are the things we won't do.

Speaker 168 And they're like, done.

Speaker 145 List of things that you wouldn't do.

Speaker 168 List nudity, no nudity.

Speaker 168 So, and that's basically it.

Speaker 58 Wait.

Speaker 58 God damn it.

Speaker 21 I'm the one wondering if I'm if I'm kind of loopy this episode or if the answers that I'm getting are so retarded.

Speaker 145 One of the things you wouldn't do in a porn is nudity.

Speaker 27 Okay, that's what I was thinking, too.

Speaker 168 Yeah, yeah, okay. So, fetish porn isn't necessarily about sex.

Speaker 82 Yes, it is.

Speaker 147 I don't know what your cakes are, man.

Speaker 109 I like sex.

Speaker 57 Me too.

Speaker 74 So, the video is just what, like, the camera on the floor and the woman looking big?

Speaker 168 I do video editing. So we do, like, green screen stuff.
We put her, like, at a cities. She stomps around and like breaks shit.

Speaker 110 Okay, Red Bam, please. For the love of her.

Speaker 50 Is that what it is? What the guy fucking.

Speaker 147 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 126 Hey, don't paint her Hot Wheels cars on a fat woman?

Speaker 168 I feel like you know more than I do.

Speaker 20 So it's basically green screen make-believe giant girl.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 168 It's more like the story of what.

Speaker 143 What's the most sexual thing that she does in this porn she wears a bikini

Speaker 168 But you call it porn okay, so a lot of it is like who buys it well people okay say his name creepy short guys

Speaker 168 a lot of people buy it actually yeah well maybe I don't know

Speaker 168 but it's more about like the

Speaker 168 like the domination of it like the action so it's like not necessarily the sexuality the woman but like her presence in a scene

Speaker 168 it's fetish porn

Speaker 9 I don't think I've ever...

Speaker 8 Don't you miss the good old days when Flayboy would just show you a smiling blonde woman's nipples?

Speaker 71 Wasn't America whole back then?

Speaker 166 Yes.

Speaker 16 Before all of this degenerate big woman with clothes on stuff?

Speaker 71 Remember a

Speaker 126 vagina with hair on it.

Speaker 55 You're very old.

Speaker 67 And this is how both of you make your money is by doing this?

Speaker 168 We don't do that anymore. She's She's a behavioral therapist and

Speaker 42 So how do you make money?

Speaker 168 We make passive income on the porn so like stuff that we made like five years ago is still so getting fucking residuals on your giantess porn

Speaker 168 not like what's that clips for sale clips for sale we have our own personal site we also do like other stuff like only fans and stuff like that we do like picture sets and shit like that jesus christ man.

Speaker 28 All right. Anything else? Hounds are tough during COVID.

Speaker 87 You know, it's over, right?

Speaker 168 Well, that's why we stopped doing it, but we're still making the money on it.

Speaker 171 Okay. Can anyone do this?

Speaker 168 I mean, sure, yeah.

Speaker 109 Anybody can do anything, right?

Speaker 168 Well, I mean, it sounds like the most doable porn ever.

Speaker 14 It really is.

Speaker 168 That's what I'm saying. That's why, like, we were able to do it.
If I was like, hey, can I bang you in front of a camera? She'd be like, fuck you, you know?

Speaker 109 Like, I'll do a lot of porn if I don't got to get naked.

Speaker 56 Technically, I think we're doing porn right now, is what we're finding out.

Speaker 168 Somebody's going to jack off to these, I promise.

Speaker 110 100%.

Speaker 109 We're doing some giantist shit.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 73 No doubt about it.

Speaker 59 We're the giantest comedy show in the world.

Speaker 4 The world, right?

Speaker 92 All right. You already have a little joke book?

Speaker 168 No, I have a big one.

Speaker 61 There you go. You're getting a little one this time.

Speaker 165 There was a lot of clunk around that.

Speaker 13 The Blakers part was funny.

Speaker 4 Long setup.

Speaker 37 Ineffective tags.

Speaker 35 Let's Let's change the mood in here a little bit, everybody.

Speaker 37 We have one of our most famous regulars of all time here to do a minute.

Speaker 21 Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words.

Speaker 133 This is Hans Kemp.

Speaker 132 Hey, what's up?

Speaker 102 It's good to be here. I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month.
Because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming.

Speaker 104 A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker.

Speaker 102 I have a Ted Cruz weather app.

Speaker 102 And when everybody's in Cancun, you know how to layer up.

Speaker 102 Yeah, I have a Jewish girlfriend I found out, so that helps with the weather thing.

Speaker 64 Yeah, my girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're gonna have Asian Jewish babies.

Speaker 65 It's just gonna be lines of computer code that reset your credit score.

Speaker 102 But yeah, just a different time when I was a kid, trans fats were bad.

Speaker 119 There you guys.

Speaker 119 Wow!

Speaker 54 Cortoni's own Hans Kim. Absolutely crushing.

Speaker 86 Multiple punchlines scattered throughout a minute.

Speaker 100 Honest, pure, from your perspective.

Speaker 44 All stuff true to you.

Speaker 137 And there he is.

Speaker 54 This is the man who's notoriously the greatest interviewee in the history of the show.

Speaker 83 He cannot tell a lie.

Speaker 3 He constantly overshares.

Speaker 141 And the interview begins now.

Speaker 73 Welcome back, Hans.

Speaker 127 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 162 How do you feel?

Speaker 126 I feel great.

Speaker 102 I'm ready to tell you about my sex life.

Speaker 36 Go right ahead if that's what you want to do.

Speaker 23 I mean I wasn't even going to ask about that, but if that's what you want to talk about, you can go right ahead.

Speaker 123 Well, I mean, I think I covered all of it.

Speaker 45 Have you ever seen giantess porn before?

Speaker 10 You have. Yes.

Speaker 37 You're the kind of guy that would be into that.

Speaker 102 Yeah, I was kind of

Speaker 104 intrigued.

Speaker 60 So you've seen it before. What happened in the giantess porn that you've seen?

Speaker 65 Can you describe it for us?

Speaker 10 Ha ha ha.

Speaker 102 Well, it's Amazon Amanda.

Speaker 96 Some of you might know her.

Speaker 50 You know Amazon Amanda?

Speaker 56 Really?

Speaker 63 Let me see. You can look her up.

Speaker 99 Amazon Amanda.

Speaker 102 Yeah, she just dangles a woman and tickles her feet.

Speaker 64 Which part are you into?

Speaker 73 Just the tickling, the whole tickling thing.

Speaker 4 You love tickling, huh?

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 102 Tickling, not tickling, I don't like to be tickled.

Speaker 123 You don't?

Speaker 82 No, I hate it. How bad do you hate it?

Speaker 102 It's like

Speaker 102 a nightmare, like a sexual nightmare.

Speaker 74 Well, you never should have let me know.

Speaker 74 Yeah, I mean.

Speaker 92 James, are you in the mood to tickle him a little bit?

Speaker 33 How many of you think we should let James tickle Hans?

Speaker 55 Is that her? Oh my god, Amazon Amanda is huge.

Speaker 133 No, here's what you do.

Speaker 23 You get behind him. Hans, you face the crowd.

Speaker 33 He's looking at it. You can't see it happening.

Speaker 122 It's different when you see it.

Speaker 27 See the ghost tickle.

Speaker 59 Don't turn around, Hans. You're not allowed to turn around.

Speaker 52 I could tickle him. No, that's poking.

Speaker 8 He's doing some kind of wacky Australian-Irish poking.

Speaker 70 I'll get you when

Speaker 90 we tickle in the other hemisphere.

Speaker 11 Ew, he just poked. That's not a good idea.

Speaker 5 I thought I was gonna go in there.

Speaker 90 You gotta hit those riplets, dude.

Speaker 9 The armpits don't really work.

Speaker 9 This is fun.

Speaker 126 Now I get why it's porn.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 37 You can find that clip on clips for sale.

Speaker 67 Amazing. Amazon Amanda is humongous, by the way.

Speaker 102 Yeah, it's like a power thing.

Speaker 65 It's crazy. Wow.

Speaker 145 And you're into that.

Speaker 85 Yeah. That's gross.

Speaker 9 Dave Land actually.

Speaker 56 Oh, God, what?

Speaker 109 Did you get your watch back?

Speaker 71 No.

Speaker 128 No, he didn't get the watch.

Speaker 109 Oh, that sucks. I feel bad about that.

Speaker 82 It's okay, it's not your fault.

Speaker 109 Was she bigger?

Speaker 96 Uh no, she was uh petite.

Speaker 76 Here, give me a hand. I won't.

Speaker 15 Is that this water?

Speaker 69 See this, Hans?

Speaker 95 Yes, Toddy.

Speaker 143 This is a new feature on the show.

Speaker 29 You know what we do with this?

Speaker 86 It's the super tickler.

Speaker 50 Touch you with this.

Speaker 31 You're going to feel a...

Speaker 32 All right.

Speaker 54 Hans, what else is going on in your life?

Speaker 161 You commit any crimes lately?

Speaker 153 You get pulled over by the police.

Speaker 150 I did. You did?

Speaker 104 In Mississippi, a black police officer pulled me over.

Speaker 73 Oh, my God.

Speaker 102 I know where that lies in MLK's dream.

Speaker 141 Wow.

Speaker 70 Nice sheet.

Speaker 74 She obviously pulled you over not for the color of your skin but for the quality of your driving.

Speaker 50 Tell us how this went down when you got pulled over.

Speaker 102 I was going 78 in a 70 or something like that and you know it was just like a speed trap and

Speaker 66 tell that bitch I need my racket restrung

Speaker 71 78 and a 70.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 35 It might have been 84.

Speaker 102 But yeah, it was just a quick, you know, it's it's like, that's, it's like very efficient. He just, you know, wrote it, you know, sent me on my way.

Speaker 102 Great having black cops, you know, they know what it's like.

Speaker 33 Well, here he is.

Speaker 13 We have the official state trooper of Mississippi, famously one of the worst state highway patrolmen in all of Mississippi.

Speaker 170 I swear to God, when I find you, you're going to be in real trouble, motherfucker.

Speaker 170 I felt that breeze.

Speaker 121 That's at least 82, 83 miles an hour.

Speaker 20 Hansie boy Cam.

Speaker 37 Having fun in Missy Hutton.

Speaker 50 The shows have been good.

Speaker 67 Everything's good.

Speaker 104 Yeah, he went to San Antonio with Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 50 Ooh, the new, newest superstar, another non-handicapped golden ticket winner.

Speaker 102 Yeah, San Antonio was made for Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 153 Tell us what you mean when you say that.

Speaker 102 It's just like, you know, just fucking rowdy people, just fucking drinking and just fucking yelling at Timmy.

Speaker 136 It's it's kind of aggressive.

Speaker 96 But no, it was great.

Speaker 102 He murdered. It was amazing.

Speaker 102 I was in other cities, you know, I had to go through Mississippi, so, you know, it's kind of, you know, ups and downs.

Speaker 102 But yeah, I got a lot of guys coming up to me telling me about guns and like guys that can kill me now, like just tell me that they can do that. You know, it's

Speaker 102 not very tactical to tell everyone you have a gun.

Speaker 85 So

Speaker 102 we're kind of at a disadvantage here.

Speaker 102 But yeah, I'm kind of just chilling. I have my guns.

Speaker 109 Was it mainly white people in Mississippi showing you their guns?

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 102 I don't think black people are into like the, you know, the round millimeter shit.

Speaker 40 They're just like, you know, using it.

Speaker 21 How about nerdy stuff, Hans?

Speaker 51 How's your nerd life been going? What have you been doing in that department? Any new hobbies in your...

Speaker 102 I got back into StarCraft 2. I'm a Diamond League 2v2 player.

Speaker 113 Wow, incredible.

Speaker 40 Are you good at Rubik's Cube?

Speaker 102 I'm very bad. I could do the first two rows, but not the bottom row.

Speaker 40 All right, perfect.

Speaker 52 Guess we won't be using that tonight.

Speaker 79 All right, Hans, fun times.

Speaker 21 Thank you so much. The legend, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 111 All right, your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaac Kane Brown.

Speaker 84 We're going to meet them all together now.

Speaker 38 Isaac Kane Brown.

Speaker 136 My girlfriend's a type 1 diabetic

Speaker 136 and a type 2 fucking bitch all the time.

Speaker 136 I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service. service.

Speaker 96 For real, guys, they're warriors.

Speaker 136 I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you

Speaker 127 for absolutely no reason?

Speaker 98 Fuck the troops, dude.

Speaker 136 Fun fact, I don't know if you guys know this. Hennessy is made from grapes.

Speaker 127 That's fucked up.

Speaker 136 That's like like light beer being made from ranch.

Speaker 136 You know exactly who's drinking it.

Speaker 136 Autocorrect can be confusing. For three months, I thought my dad was scared of ninjas.

Speaker 136 Which looking back doesn't make sense.

Speaker 55 Why would ninjas have pit bulls?

Speaker 144 Damn it, just a little too long.

Speaker 153 Here, to say it again, why doesn't it make sense?

Speaker 136 Why would ninjas have pit bulls?

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 36 There you go.

Speaker 108 There it is.

Speaker 18 Isaac Kane Brown. Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 88 Nah.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 112 Third.

Speaker 69 Third time.

Speaker 40 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 75 All right.

Speaker 100 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 145 Three years now. What do you do for work?

Speaker 136 Nothing.

Speaker 86 How are you able to survive without working?

Speaker 104 VA disability.

Speaker 10 Really?

Speaker 58 You're a veteran?

Speaker 75 Yeah. What branch?

Speaker 88 Marine Corps.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 19 What did you do in the Marine Corps?

Speaker 136 I was an infantryman.

Speaker 44 Nothing too much.

Speaker 75 You ever battle?

Speaker 52 You ever go to battle?

Speaker 136 The only thing I battled was gay thoughts, and that was a battle.

Speaker 86 Wow.

Speaker 133 In that case, I deserve the Medal of Honor.

Speaker 82 But the VA gives you enough money to totally survive and live a normal life.

Speaker 136 I make it work.

Speaker 82 Can you give us an example of how you

Speaker 29 use your budget to your advantage?

Speaker 136 Ramen noodles, Chef Boy RD.

Speaker 136 And then I sell Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

Speaker 165 Ah, there it is.

Speaker 42 The truth is out.

Speaker 123 I remember you now.

Speaker 123 Red band going, you don't know Yu-Gi-Oh!

Speaker 9 You don't fucking know Yu-Gi-Oh!

Speaker 59 Yu-Ki-Oh and giant as porn.

Speaker 69 It's a whole evening.

Speaker 87 What's your love life like, Isaac?

Speaker 145 You seem like a good-looking guy.

Speaker 12 You seem like you'd be the third Franco brother or something like that.

Speaker 136 It's going good. I have a girlfriend.
Yeah.

Speaker 136 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Does she do comedy too?

Speaker 136 No, she's a dog groomer.

Speaker 40 Ooh, a dog groomer.

Speaker 88 All right.

Speaker 136 I love it when she calls me a good boy.

Speaker 54 Everybody's into some wild shit.

Speaker 85 Amazing.

Speaker 107 Fun. What do you guys think about Isaac Kane Brown?

Speaker 122 I'm asking the panel, not you guys.

Speaker 73 Anything there, James?

Speaker 167 Do you ever dibbity bomb a di-dibby-dob?

Speaker 74 Well, you you attacked the armed forces, but you were obviously in your set you were being being negative about military servicemen.

Speaker 74 No? What did he say?

Speaker 8 You said something nasty about the army.

Speaker 93 Is that true?

Speaker 89 You said, fuck the troops. Yeah.

Speaker 74 But you were the troops. Yeah.
Did you not get along with the troops?

Speaker 101 No, they suck.

Speaker 107 What do you mean when you say that, that they suck?

Speaker 136 Well, most people in the military are 18 to 22.

Speaker 136 The only reason you join is because you got C's in high school.

Speaker 31 Is that why you joined?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 31 How old are you now, Isaac Kane Brown?

Speaker 136 I'm 28.

Speaker 123 28.

Speaker 18 And did you suffer a specific injury?

Speaker 136 I got ejectocetoed out of a vehicle.

Speaker 49 You what?

Speaker 136 Vehicle hit a trench, and I flew the fuck out the top of it.

Speaker 109 If there was any country you could wipe off the earth, which one would it be?

Speaker 131 Great question.

Speaker 109 Just one.

Speaker 145 Yeah, you've Israel.

Speaker 110 Oh,

Speaker 110 all right.

Speaker 142 Okay, and we're back, everybody.

Speaker 31 Take a little commercial break there.

Speaker 8 That hair and nose, you're going to pick Israel?

Speaker 109 Look, he already hates himself with the troops thing.

Speaker 31 One of the flies flew into the hard drive there, so if the video came out a little jittery, it's all wacky.

Speaker 57 Beep boop, beep, boop, beep, boop.

Speaker 27 It's all fixed now, and we're back.

Speaker 9 Oh, there he is.

Speaker 163 When you hear the sound of a jungle bird,

Speaker 124 you know.

Speaker 109 No way that's going on Netflix.

Speaker 32 It's true.

Speaker 33 Maybe on Al Jazeera, but not.

Speaker 26 All right, Isaac Cain Brown.

Speaker 18 You're not Jewish yourself?

Speaker 91 No.

Speaker 107 No, you just look like that.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 32 I love it.

Speaker 140 What do you think about CEOs of healthcare companies?

Speaker 145 You do have a look.

Speaker 116 And we got to teach him a lesson.

Speaker 133 All right, Isaac, you already have a big joke book?

Speaker 36 There he goes. Isaac Payne Brown, everyone.

Speaker 152 The lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 133 HeidiRegina.com is their new website.

Speaker 37 What a smoke show.

Speaker 133 I'll tell you, if I was into women,

Speaker 148 Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did.
The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5.

Speaker 148 Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 3 Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 172 Coverage varies by plan. View contract and exclusions at endurancewarranty.com.
Do you own a 2005 or newer vehicle with a manufacturer's warranty about to expire or no warranty coverage at all?

Speaker 172 With the cost of living on the rise, Endurance is now offering a low-cost vehicle coverage plan designed to save you thousands off-costly vehicle repairs.

Speaker 172 Get your vehicle protected under this coverage and have all future covered auto repairs paid directly to the repair shop for you. Roadside service, towing, and rental coverage are included.

Speaker 172 Visit EnduranceWarranty.com. Endurancewarranty.com.

Speaker 133 All right, this looks like a new name, everybody. Make some noise for Augie Lee.

Speaker 33 Augie Lee.

Speaker 33 Here we go.

Speaker 75 Hey,

Speaker 113 so uh,

Speaker 138 I caught my girlfriend cheating on me.

Speaker 138 I got home from work and walked into our house because

Speaker 94 we live together.

Speaker 138 And I saw her making love with a man in my living room.

Speaker 138 So I bolted up and I said,

Speaker 134 What's your big idea?

Speaker 134 No, I mean really, what's the big idea?

Speaker 134 I mean, what the fuck?

Speaker 134 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 134 What the fuck? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Speaker 138 Anyway, speaking of black guys.

Speaker 55 Alright.

Speaker 146 I mean, what the fuck?

Speaker 138 No, my cousin's dating a black guy, and she's having a baby soon.

Speaker 99 And yeah, okay, that's it. No, no, no.
You go. You go.

Speaker 138 And I'm like, what's that baby gonna be like, you know?

Speaker 138 Like,

Speaker 174 hey, y'all, where do my babies at? Where?

Speaker 70 Can I get a chocolate new port?

Speaker 70 Can you?

Speaker 138 I need some studio time

Speaker 142 keep going just do

Speaker 133 all the material that you have I'm very interested by you.

Speaker 128 Do you have more jokes?

Speaker 10 No, okay, perfect.

Speaker 113 All right, that's good. That's good.

Speaker 10 Augie Lee.

Speaker 13 I wanted to see if all your jokes halfway through you just turn into like a yeah

Speaker 133 Seems like you have a little thing there.

Speaker 161 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 118 You're like a really really really lazy Casey rocket.

Speaker 62 I like it.

Speaker 19 Not a lot of movement, but a shit ton of charisma and very compelling material.

Speaker 73 Thank you. You have a little bit of your own style.

Speaker 19 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 168 About like seven months.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 41 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 138 Yeah, well, started in Seattle.

Speaker 173 I'm from Seattle.

Speaker 83 And you just moved here?

Speaker 117 Yeah. Nice.

Speaker 45 Congratulations. Thank you.

Speaker 73 All right.

Speaker 107 How do you, yeah, James?

Speaker 74 I just wondered what else you'd been doing since LMFAO broke up.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 69 I like the hair. The hair is cool.

Speaker 113 No, no, Vicks.

Speaker 138 Yeah, I I know, I know.

Speaker 96 I'm like shimmy chonga libre.

Speaker 123 I don't know.

Speaker 99 Not a libre. Never mind.
Forget about it.

Speaker 39 Perfect.

Speaker 87 Are you Mexican?

Speaker 138 Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, Hispanic, something like that.

Speaker 40 Yeah, perfect.

Speaker 77 What do you do for work, Augie Lee?

Speaker 134 I work at a thrift store.

Speaker 65 Do you? I do, actually.

Speaker 109 You mean steel carburetors?

Speaker 138 No, but I do work with some Mexicans.

Speaker 34 You see some crazy stuff working at a thrift store?

Speaker 137 People trying to make deals.

Speaker 52 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 82 Tell us about it.

Speaker 138 I got like guys coming in and like someone will drop something off and the

Speaker 138 thing is it's required to bring it inside and we tag it, price it, whatever. And I'll get people being like, hey,

Speaker 138 slippy a 20, you know? And I'm like, I don't.

Speaker 138 I don't know. But, you know, we get like, I got like Seinfeld collections and like.

Speaker 173 Like VHS?

Speaker 134 Yeah, like cool.

Speaker 140 Yeah, just cool, like, vintage shit, I guess.

Speaker 173 Wow. Gucci.

Speaker 81 Gucci sunglasses.

Speaker 74 They pay you for bringing stuff to a thrift store?

Speaker 138 No, no.

Speaker 138 Other people, I get paid to bring it in while other people donate.

Speaker 74 I'm sorry, I had a very exciting moment where I thought I could get rid of all my shit.

Speaker 80 But you said they're coming in and they're complaining.

Speaker 74 They're like, this should be 20.

Speaker 139 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 91 But they're not getting any money for it.

Speaker 74 They just want the dignity of the product to get a high price.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 113 That's weird. It is weird.

Speaker 138 It is weird. It's like, come on, we're doing it like a third of the price, anyways, or whatever.

Speaker 107 Aggie, do you do drugs?

Speaker 99 I don't know. Tony, does it work?

Speaker 57 It's like, I do drugs.

Speaker 69 You know what?

Speaker 10 Yeah, it does.

Speaker 25 A little bit. What kind of drugs do you do?

Speaker 67 I like acid a lot.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 23 When's the last time you did acid?

Speaker 151 Um.

Speaker 109 Hmm. What time today?

Speaker 52 Actually,

Speaker 138 I did it like a couple weeks ago, and while I was on acid,

Speaker 138 we were just chilling on the couch, and we were trying to write something, but we saw a rat run across into my bathroom.

Speaker 85 Uh-huh.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 70 I was like, is this real?

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 138 And they, uh, yeah, the rat, like, it was the whole thing on rat on acid, and my friends were just fucking with me the whole night.

Speaker 42 That was the last time I took acid, by the way.

Speaker 104 That was it. I mean, I've.

Speaker 44 A few weeks ago.

Speaker 138 Yeah, a few weeks ago.

Speaker 99 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 44 Awesome. How about drinking?

Speaker 29 You do a lot of drinking?

Speaker 138 Like a Jack and Coke guy.

Speaker 88 How about bath salts? Sorry, Adam.

Speaker 149 Did you drink today?

Speaker 68 What if I just fucking eat his face off?

Speaker 71 Kill tonnage.

Speaker 56 You're a wild boy, Auggie.

Speaker 34 Did you drink today, Augie?

Speaker 138 Oh, yeah. I had one drink.
My friend Matt was like, you're getting one drink only.

Speaker 138 You don't, don't, you know, just gonna fuck with you. And I kind of, yeah, I was like, okay.
And then...

Speaker 29 Now I'm here.

Speaker 100 It happened.

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 57 You scared? How do you feel?

Speaker 138 A little bit.

Speaker 138 I've been watching you guys since I was like 13 years old.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 26 How old are you now?

Speaker 143 I'm 24. Amazing.

Speaker 73 Okay.

Speaker 34 So with that said, you've been watching that long.

Speaker 137 You're in the interview part right now.

Speaker 29 What would you want you to do in this part of the show?

Speaker 44 You've been watching for a long time.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 41 This is it. Like anything.

Speaker 81 I know. I know, right?

Speaker 54 You good at anything?

Speaker 87 You have any special skills or talents?

Speaker 73 You know how to Yodel or anything like that?

Speaker 32 Yodel, Yodale, Yodale.

Speaker 31 No, I can't. I can't.

Speaker 21 No, but

Speaker 64 I don't always try.

Speaker 138 I'll try anything once. I like karaoke.

Speaker 96 I love karaoke. I bet you do.

Speaker 138 I make music and stuff too, but I will sing anything.

Speaker 68 No.

Speaker 42 But no, yeah, no, don't let, yeah, no, don't let me do that.

Speaker 78 Anything crazy about your family or your life history?

Speaker 137 Any near-death experiences?

Speaker 82 You ever save anybody's life? You ever do anything good?

Speaker 29 I've saved anyone's life. You ever done an act of service?

Speaker 40 Oh, boy.

Speaker 138 That's a good question.

Speaker 138 I don't think I have ever done anything good.

Speaker 145 Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever done?

Speaker 146 You ever commit a crime or anything like that?

Speaker 84 Um,

Speaker 99 we.

Speaker 79 Have you ever had any

Speaker 81 brain injuries or

Speaker 59 concussions?

Speaker 75 We...

Speaker 75 No, I don't know.

Speaker 138 Yeah, no, I don't know if I've done anything bad or good, Tony.

Speaker 113 This is a hard question.

Speaker 134 I'm trying to think of like.

Speaker 109 When you say we, do you mean you?

Speaker 95 He likes you. No, he doesn't.

Speaker 31 Yes. Yeah, no, I meant my.

Speaker 121 I meant you too, right?

Speaker 115 No, yeah.

Speaker 73 All right, Auggie.

Speaker 78 You're a silly boy.

Speaker 73 Thank you.

Speaker 167 But you know what?

Speaker 102 I'm going to give you a big joke book, Augie.

Speaker 147 Congratulations.

Speaker 90 Thank you.

Speaker 63 I liked your set.

Speaker 126 I appreciate you. Got a little

Speaker 13 tightened up during the interview, but there you go.

Speaker 33 Zoggy Leo. Thank you.

Speaker 63 I like silly shit, like when it goes silly.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's pretty silly.

Speaker 86 He's a silly guy.

Speaker 51 Let's keep it moving along.

Speaker 21 You guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 14 How many of you like going comedians do good on this show?

Speaker 133 How many of you like going comedians do bad on this show?

Speaker 21 Oh, you must be having a blast tonight.

Speaker 23 Mix most for your next bucket pool. It's John Bechdel.

Speaker 153 John Bechtel.

Speaker 68 Well ladies and gentlemen, you're in a four-treat. So let's see how it goes.
Austin, Texas, how's it going?

Speaker 169 RFK, it's on fucking sight.

Speaker 68 Without these food dies, how am I going to know which M ⁇ M I want to fuck now?

Speaker 7 Jokes on you.

Speaker 68 It's the yellow one.

Speaker 94 I love that big dumb slut.

Speaker 68 Hey, y'all, give it up, Mother Chip. I know this is a crowd of true, blue, red, 40-blooded Americans.
Am I goddamn right?

Speaker 68 No, these music biopics, they're crazy.

Speaker 94 They're making like a Bruce Spring scene one.

Speaker 94 What, in 20 years, the clone of Timothy Chalamay is going to star in a one-direction movie that gets nominated for an Academy Award, where we learn what direction that band was about.

Speaker 69 Down.

Speaker 68 We'll get a story about XXX Tintashion's older brother, XI, XI, XI11chion.

Speaker 68 The story of

Speaker 94 Little Uzi Birth's dad, big Gatling gun horizontal.

Speaker 9 All of his friends are alive.

Speaker 94 How Rob Thompson Matchbox 20 is just like, yeah, hindsight's Matchbox 2020.

Speaker 68 I know Joe Anchie loves fabrics.

Speaker 139 I wouldn't trust a single Jason with Deli.

Speaker 55 Hell yeah, y'all.

Speaker 132 John Bechtel, you're a wild boy. Look at you.

Speaker 22 Again, this is like the third guy tonight that just looks like a pure fucking comedian.

Speaker 118 I mean, you look like you've been exclusively only eating plastics your entire life.

Speaker 68 I can't even buy macro plastics.

Speaker 44 Yeah, you look like you pour the water out of the plastic bottle and just exclude, just start chewing on it.

Speaker 37 Just straight plastic bottly.

Speaker 94 Garden flavors, like, that's an upgrade.

Speaker 54 It is incredible.

Speaker 73 You are something else. I mean, look at you.

Speaker 77 You are a wild boy.

Speaker 64 Thank you very much.

Speaker 95 Good, good, good.

Speaker 41 Fantastic.

Speaker 22 How How long have you been a full-grown garden gnome?

Speaker 94 Ever since I made that wish three full moons ago.

Speaker 145 How long have you been exclusively only eating beef jerky?

Speaker 75 You just seem dry.

Speaker 113 I've never been able to afford that shit.

Speaker 85 I'm cat poor.

Speaker 67 Okay, tell us about your budget.

Speaker 86 Tell us how you, what do you eat?

Speaker 94 So, luckily, I work at a restaurant that gives us free food. I think that that's great.
I think that legally that should be the case.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Because, god damn it, I can't afford anything on these motherfuckers.

Speaker 44 My god, incredible.

Speaker 143 So what's your living situation?

Speaker 29 You live alone?

Speaker 94 I've got some roommates.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 143 Tell us about the situation.

Speaker 51 How many roommates?

Speaker 94 Two roommates. They're married.
Josh and Maria Macaulay.

Speaker 32 They're absolute saints.

Speaker 122 Everybody's just shouting people out tonight.

Speaker 36 This is a ticking time bomb.

Speaker 139 No, they're absolute saints.

Speaker 94 I wouldn't have a living situation.

Speaker 113 You got a what?

Speaker 94 I wouldn't have a living situation if I wasn't doing comedy and met cool people.

Speaker 107 Yes, absolutely. So where did you meet them at?

Speaker 65 Open mic at tiniest bar in Texas.

Speaker 40 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 82 I thought you were going to say AA there for a second.

Speaker 36 Are you sober?

Speaker 94 We went over this last time. I'm two years sober eventually.

Speaker 103 Okay, but not yet.

Speaker 51 Not yet.

Speaker 82 Did the line work better the last time you did it?

Speaker 141 Kind of did, actually.

Speaker 25 Okay, so John, you're working at a restaurant.

Speaker 82 You got roommates.

Speaker 25 You guys share one bathroom?

Speaker 141 Two. Oh, God.

Speaker 94 That is the biggest upgrade in my quality of life I've ever had. Having my own goddamn bathroom.

Speaker 117 My old roommate, Jake.

Speaker 94 Oh, this dipshit.

Speaker 139 My old roommate, Jake Anderson.

Speaker 133 Okay, stop calling people out by their full names, John.

Speaker 68 Would take a

Speaker 91 look for four hours.

Speaker 94 Like, this grendel-ass motherfucker just sitting in there.

Speaker 104 Like, he would just sit there and be like, dude, like, you could just, like,

Speaker 29 you know, knock.

Speaker 113 And I'm like, you've been in here for five hours, motherfucker.

Speaker 143 Do you ever take a shit while he's sitting there in the bathtub?

Speaker 169 He kept the curtain closed, so I took a piss in protest once.

Speaker 53 Wow.

Speaker 73 Look at you.

Speaker 44 You look crazy, John.

Speaker 25 What do you drink exactly?

Speaker 85 Vocal and kettle.

Speaker 161 No, uh, vodka teneta.

Speaker 35 Sure, yes.

Speaker 78 We're totally comparable, John.

Speaker 44 What's your drink?

Speaker 94 Vocatana.

Speaker 143 How many of those do you drink a day?

Speaker 113 I've had two today.

Speaker 75 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 41 Only two?

Speaker 85 Only two. Now,

Speaker 94 they do serve pictures next door at Shakespeare's.

Speaker 60 Did you have one of the pictures?

Speaker 94 I tried to, and then y'all called me.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 25 You know what we're going to do?

Speaker 86 Let's do a breathalyzer test on this guy.

Speaker 13 We have a new breathalyzer that we've never tried out before.

Speaker 50 This is a brand new test in the history of Kill Tony.

Speaker 33 We've never done this before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everyone.

Speaker 23 You know how to do this thing, Heidi?

Speaker 58 Okay, it's on.

Speaker 94 I'm a professional taking Breathweiser tests.

Speaker 113 All right.

Speaker 145 Fucking blow you creep.

Speaker 20 The thing reads disgusting.

Speaker 109 It just says halitosis.

Speaker 37 What does it say, Heidi?

Speaker 145 0.0.

Speaker 61 Yeah, you got a squishing lines. Blow you fly.

Speaker 34 Jesus Christ almighty.

Speaker 4 All right. There you go.

Speaker 125 I think that's

Speaker 125 genuinely crazy.

Speaker 133 Slightly over the legal limit.

Speaker 82 Right? Or no, it's under.

Speaker 109 No, it's way under.

Speaker 75 Way under. Way under.

Speaker 32 You look trashed.

Speaker 127 I look like trash to me.

Speaker 131 What's your love life like, John?

Speaker 60 Is there any one that's into that? We found out tonight people have a lot of crazy fetishes.

Speaker 41 Oh, God.

Speaker 94 Well, mine's about, like, not having a fetish.

Speaker 94 So I had an old fuck buddy of mine. She told me not to tell the story.

Speaker 21 Great. Please do not say her full name.

Speaker 57 So her name is Michelle Obama.

Speaker 91 No, no,

Speaker 27 so

Speaker 94 she just recently became a jugalette.

Speaker 94 And we're hooking up and she's like, John, I think this is going to be a deal breaker. And it's like, we've been fucking for like eight years.

Speaker 145 So what's going to be a deal breaker?

Speaker 94 Well, her playlist, she's just become a juggalette.

Speaker 41 There's nothing else?

Speaker 135 It's all brand new.

Speaker 94 Like music tours. So there's like four songs.

Speaker 109 Did you go to the gathering?

Speaker 169 Not yet. Didn't get invited.

Speaker 140 All right.

Speaker 94 She started stalking the fridge of Faygo, you know.

Speaker 44 So why would it not work out if she's into different music?

Speaker 94 Well, she wants me to be into it. This is what she started listening to.
Right. There's about four songs in the playlist.

Speaker 109 What does she have?

Speaker 117 That on repeat during sex.

Speaker 74 But she's got that insane clown pussy ness.

Speaker 71 So you're out there as cheap.

Speaker 70 As cheap and wrong.

Speaker 70 You should fix your situation.

Speaker 74 This long-term fuck buddy thing is a real mistake. Oh, yeah, no, no.

Speaker 113 I'm about the situation.

Speaker 94 The insane clown posse is now in the situation.

Speaker 109 Well, at least they didn't come out here with a blood test.

Speaker 25 John, before you go, tell us the much worse thing about your entire life that we don't know about you right now.

Speaker 94 I fell into the sewer last year.

Speaker 68 I'm trying to find a good lawyer to help me sue the city of Austin to help with that.

Speaker 122 Okay, so please tell us exactly what happened.

Speaker 35 I think we're finding out exactly why you look the way you look.

Speaker 163 It took seven and a half minutes for us to get there.

Speaker 73 The old pot calling the kettle black.

Speaker 20 Old nuclear fucking wiener dog over here.

Speaker 129 So this is the story of how I went home.

Speaker 94 I'm walking down the street. I'm going down South First and Barton Springs by that Whataburger.
What a lovely day.

Speaker 95 I turn to the left.

Speaker 94 I fucking fall about eight feet into a fucking sewer.

Speaker 89 Oh, wow. The fucking guy

Speaker 139 working on it, didn't put a sign.

Speaker 67 He's just like smoking a joint on the side and being like, oh, shoot, what's going on over here?

Speaker 95 And I'm like, help me.

Speaker 9 Please.

Speaker 84 Oh, my.

Speaker 27 You can definitely sue for that.

Speaker 94 Dude, I've got like 90 stories like that.

Speaker 57 You're going to die.

Speaker 9 Probably, yeah.

Speaker 64 No, seriously, you have everything.

Speaker 109 Yeah. You might be the strongest person alive immune-wise, though.

Speaker 168 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 109 You're like the toxic adventure without the hero part and strength.

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 41 and also unemployable.

Speaker 75 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 74 You've got 90 stories similar to falling down in open sewers?

Speaker 34 Can you tell us one more?

Speaker 75 Do you have one more that you can think of?

Speaker 94 When I was a kid, I was attacked by a pelican on a school trip.

Speaker 160 Oh my god.

Speaker 68 You don't, you can't believe

Speaker 94 how hard it was to convince that teacher I didn't have my homework anymore.

Speaker 109 Where were you visiting?

Speaker 10 Fucking SeaWorld, so the teachers didn't have to work.

Speaker 75 Oh my god.

Speaker 99 How hard did it attack you?

Speaker 94 I mean, like, I'm no longer friends with those goddamn dirty birds.

Speaker 87 You were friends with the pelicans before.

Speaker 75 Oh, they're pretty neat.

Speaker 117 You know, I like the...

Speaker 94 Who's the one? Like the fucking...

Speaker 40 It's the tuna guy?

Speaker 8 Like, um...

Speaker 175 The fish

Speaker 136 restaurant.

Speaker 73 I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 51 Sunkins? Charlie.

Speaker 73 Charlie the Tuna.

Speaker 85 No, no.

Speaker 85 Mr. Tuna.

Speaker 94 Yeah, Mr. Tuna.

Speaker 6 Mr. Tuna.
Classic Harris.

Speaker 74 But they're at like 90 of these stories?

Speaker 70 Yeah, man.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 58 Yeah. You could be here all night.

Speaker 81 No, I mean, just rattle them.

Speaker 53 I'd like to hear one more.

Speaker 44 Story number 88.

Speaker 88 Number 88 is.

Speaker 107 Fell into a sewer was 90.

Speaker 86 Attacked by pelicans at SeaWorld.

Speaker 88 At SeaWorld.

Speaker 123 Number 88.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 94 One time I got the district manager of my job fired because he owed me $270

Speaker 94 and he could not stop me from calling HR every single day.

Speaker 29 So how did you get him fired?

Speaker 94 Well,

Speaker 94 you know, this guy would hire like 16-year-olds. You know, just that was kind of his most operational.

Speaker 65 Where was this job? What was this job?

Speaker 57 Potbelly on Guadalupe.

Speaker 119 Calls everything out by name.

Speaker 9 Filed Kevin Snowden.

Speaker 167 Old

Speaker 66 Blackmail Bechtel.

Speaker 128 The doxer John Bechtel is here

Speaker 72 Samantha Appleby you bitch

Speaker 7 Hey buddy's not too hot

Speaker 51 You're a wild boy John you already have a big joke book.

Speaker 67 I do not here you go.

Speaker 15 There it is John Bechtel everyone

Speaker 13 Talking about how he wants to fuck MMs and honestly I believe him

Speaker 126 I believe him

Speaker 71 Whoa.

Speaker 56 Whoa.

Speaker 71 91?

Speaker 125 Yeah, there it is.

Speaker 133 Story number 91.

Speaker 50 I was once walking off Kiltoni, and I almost died tripping on a court.

Speaker 33 I need a lawyer, if anybody has one.

Speaker 35 I did have a lawyer before, but he screwed me.

Speaker 152 His name...

Speaker 31 What the fuck is it?

Speaker 21 Fucking Henry.

Speaker 14 Thomas J. Henry.
Thomas J.

Speaker 122 Henry.

Speaker 52 Alright.

Speaker 133 Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Alex Tarno.

Speaker 19 Alex Tarno, everyone.

Speaker 84 Here we go.

Speaker 70 How you guys doing tonight?

Speaker 142 Good.

Speaker 176 Yeah, I'm doing good myself, all things considering. I'm single.
I miss my ex-girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit.

Speaker 155 I love chick shit.

Speaker 174 Most guys in this room are like football, cars.

Speaker 169 Me, I'm like Hobby Lobby.

Speaker 176 Bath and body works. Love all that shit.
I try to convince my guy friends to go with me, but they all just think I'm trying to fuck them.

Speaker 176 They're like, yo, let's go to a strip club. I'm like, that sounds fun, but you know what sounds fun?

Speaker 135 A farmer's market.

Speaker 89 Let's go get some locally sourced honey, dude.

Speaker 11 Some fresh produce, dude.

Speaker 176 I had to go to that strip club, right? I like strip clubs, but I don't like that the gender roles were reversed at a strip club. The women come up to the men, and that's terrifying to me.

Speaker 176 I'm not used to to that shit at all, and they're aggressive as fuck. Ladies, I understand your plight.

Speaker 176 I now know what it's like to be a hot chick because I'm just there with my boys, just trying to have a fun time at the strip club. And these money-hungry strippers, like, ah, you want to dance?

Speaker 174 You want to dance?

Speaker 89 I'm like, leave me alone trying to have fun with my friends.

Speaker 7 Just because I dress the sway doesn't mean I want attention.

Speaker 7 All right, thank you.

Speaker 147 Alex Tarnow.

Speaker 165 Hell yeah.

Speaker 66 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 145 Alex, we know you, right?

Speaker 60 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 16 Yes, I have, sir. Yes.

Speaker 44 You've been pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 171 Not pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 175 I brought Chris Silio, my roommate.

Speaker 96 He's my best friend. That's right.

Speaker 103 The golden ticket winner that's blind.

Speaker 75 Incredible.

Speaker 82 How long have you guys been roommates?

Speaker 177 We've been roommates for a short period of time, best friends for 10 years. Wow.

Speaker 12 Amazing. What's it like being best friends with a blind guy?

Speaker 178 It's fine.

Speaker 74 I mean, like

Speaker 13 D-Madness, plug your ears.

Speaker 176 like simple shit where like it'll be he's this one time I go into the bathroom lights are off doors open right I open the door and then he goes ah dude I'm like well fuck you

Speaker 19 oh that's amazing of course they don't need the lights on why the fuck would they I've never even thought of that before

Speaker 144 Blind people's electric bills must be incredible.

Speaker 170 God damn it, 35 cent.

Speaker 9 What the fuck did I do?

Speaker 170 How the hell is this even motherfucking boss?

Speaker 9 It's all from the doorbell.

Speaker 174 Who been ringing that fucking doorbell that much?

Speaker 167 I'm gonna charge those motherfuckers.

Speaker 83 Doing my D-madness impression, D.

Speaker 149 I don't know if you can tell.

Speaker 51 That's you.

Speaker 82 I'm not really good at impressions, but that's.

Speaker 138 I love it.

Speaker 88 So what do you do for work, Alex Tarnow?

Speaker 177 Me? So I am, my background is in teaching, but right now, the first job I was able to get when I moved to Austin, I'm currently a server at a retirement community.

Speaker 52 Whoa, okay.

Speaker 58 Yes.

Speaker 107 You're just serving final meals, Khan's.

Speaker 177 Just, I mean, bro, I was like excited when I first got the job because I'm like, yo, I'm going to fucking crush some old pussy, dude.

Speaker 9 And then, and then I got, and then, and then I got the job, and then I was like, oh, bro, gross.

Speaker 9 This is not like what you Google online, dude.

Speaker 118 Have any of the ladies, have any of the old ladies tried to fuck you?

Speaker 75 Nah, come on, buddy.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 161 You would have crushed them, though.

Speaker 57 You were correct.

Speaker 122 You are adorably chubby.

Speaker 26 I mean, it is a special, it is a very special kind of fat.

Speaker 25 I love that you lean into it by wearing shirts like that.

Speaker 16 If you poke my belly, I giggle.

Speaker 58 I bet.

Speaker 145 I bet you do.

Speaker 44 What are your foods of choice?

Speaker 143 What does it take to exactly make that shape?

Speaker 11 So

Speaker 70 I have like a legendary Chipotle order.

Speaker 115 Ooh, tell us.

Speaker 74 I get

Speaker 177 a steak bowl, but triple steak.

Speaker 10 Oh my god, yes.

Speaker 115 Double large guac extra toppings, dude.

Speaker 44 What are your toppings of choice?

Speaker 175 My top cheese, like the shredded cheese, right?

Speaker 171 Corn, you know.

Speaker 44 The chili corn

Speaker 171 corn, yeah.

Speaker 75 You go red and green?

Speaker 171 I do red and green, yeah. Oh, you MMs?

Speaker 167 I go MMs.

Speaker 7 Rice Krispy treats.

Speaker 31 It's like one of those

Speaker 67 wacky ice cream sundaes by the end of it.

Speaker 73 Crumbled Oreos.

Speaker 171 I go ham with that too, dude.

Speaker 177 Derek Queen is fucking.

Speaker 58 I mean, you go ham with ham.

Speaker 122 What's your love life like, Alex?

Speaker 115 It's...

Speaker 171 I've been single now for two years, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 172 So, you know,

Speaker 41 I've been. Are you from Austin?

Speaker 171 No, I'm from Miami.

Speaker 145 Have you ever kissed a girl since you lived in Austin?

Speaker 152 Not yet, no.

Speaker 119 Not yet?

Speaker 11 Is there a girl out there?

Speaker 23 Is there a fan of the show that'll come up and give him his big first Austin kiss, this adorable boy?

Speaker 67 We have some of the greatest fans in all of show business.

Speaker 13 And famously, there's always a woman that, for the sake of the goodness of the State of the Union, come on, whoever you are.

Speaker 42 This is where the magic happens, everybody.

Speaker 13 This is is a

Speaker 33 very long, famous portion of the show.

Speaker 38 It's called

Speaker 36 Kiss Me Here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 This is Alex Tarno, and this is his first kiss as an Austin, Texas resident.

Speaker 132 Okay.

Speaker 31 Hell yeah, that was a quick little peck there.

Speaker 36 How do you feel, Alex?

Speaker 70 Thank you. I appreciate that.

Speaker 71 Thank you.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 74 I believe this is a couple.

Speaker 35 Yeah, it really is.

Speaker 31 You guys are both wearing Halloween shirts.

Speaker 31 What?

Speaker 31 Why are you booing? Why are you figuring out that?

Speaker 70 Who are you offended by in that? Great thing just right now.

Speaker 74 You don't think he's a handsome charismatic man with a funny joke about the strip club?

Speaker 175 I look like a poor man's John Belushi.

Speaker 80 Like a Jim Belushi?

Speaker 106 You look like like a Jim Belushi.

Speaker 71 Yeah, that's Jambi.

Speaker 9 Not Jim Belushi.

Speaker 27 Poor man's Jambalushi is Jimbo.

Speaker 71 That's what I was trying to say.

Speaker 10 I thought it was funny.

Speaker 131 It is. Yeah, it's so funny.

Speaker 103 It's incredible.

Speaker 14 Okay, Alex.

Speaker 109 Just make sure she's on top.

Speaker 46 It's fucking murder if I'm on top.

Speaker 131 What's your name, sweetheart?

Speaker 25 Talk into that microphone right there.

Speaker 77 Elena.

Speaker 153 Elena, how did you feel kissing Alex on this stage?

Speaker 158 Well he's quite charming.

Speaker 119 Wow look at this.

Speaker 66 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 33 Hell yeah this chick's gonna be walking in on a blind dude taking a shit in the dark in no time.

Speaker 37 This is incredible.

Speaker 42 Amazing.

Speaker 107 Amazing.

Speaker 153 Elena, where are you from?

Speaker 85 Michigan. Oh, okay.

Speaker 43 So this guy's, this is like a 10 right here.

Speaker 131 This is a Michigan 10.

Speaker 175 We do look like we make the perfect 10, though.

Speaker 128 Yeah, 0-1, perhaps.

Speaker 33 I think Michael's seeing the 10 back there.

Speaker 149 All right.

Speaker 83 Thank you so much, Elena.

Speaker 19 Thank you, Alex Tarno.

Speaker 23 Fun times.

Speaker 13 Alex, how long is your longest set?

Speaker 133 I'm going to hand for Elena, everybody, being a good sport.

Speaker 152 What's the longest set you've ever done?

Speaker 70 30 minutes.

Speaker 27 30 minutes.

Speaker 130 I would love to have you and the blind guy on The Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 28 Chris Celio and Alex Tarno just got booked on The Secret Show.

Speaker 33 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 114 Here we are coming right around the corner.

Speaker 75 All right.

Speaker 79 We have another bucket full, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 83 Make some noise for Jackson Nami, everyone.

Speaker 33 Jackson Nami.

Speaker 156 Appreciate it.

Speaker 158 I know I look like I got turned out out of Planet Fitness.

Speaker 158 It was a YMCA.

Speaker 96 Fuck you. For real.

Speaker 158 I got PTSD, preconceived tendency to suck dick, and it's a disorder. And it's hereditary.
So some of you hoes better watch out.

Speaker 158 They call me Cronus the way I be eating kids. Pause, pause.
What the fuck? That's a Greek joke. They call me Percy Jackson, the half-blood f ⁇ .

Speaker 10 For real.

Speaker 158 They call my throat Slitterbond the way kids be sliding down it.

Speaker 158 It's a magic school bus on my tongue.

Speaker 158 Come on the magic school bus.

Speaker 158 Arnold, stop sucking dick behind the school bus again. I can tell there's some closeted energy.
I can feel it in the crowd.

Speaker 158 That one time in college.

Speaker 158 With his uncle.

Speaker 158 With that girl who wasn't a girl who he thought it was a girl.

Speaker 158 You ever get so horny you scoot on the carpet like a dog? Just me? Just me?

Speaker 158 Nah, the dice are in the front row. Like, nah, we just munch it.

Speaker 5 The fuck.

Speaker 158 This guy asked me if being gay was a choice. I said, not to my victims.
The fuck.

Speaker 66 Damn.

Speaker 90 Jackson Navy coming in and absolutely destroying.

Speaker 165 Counts for double

Speaker 37 being that gay in the middle of Texas.

Speaker 71 You double killed.

Speaker 20 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 91 Jackson.

Speaker 93 Last time you killed this hard, it was your parents' expectations of you.

Speaker 55 What a huge change from last time you were on this.

Speaker 20 Huge growth spurt since the last time you were on this show, which is

Speaker 13 very...

Speaker 13 It was just gay, wasn't it?

Speaker 23 And you came out, I fucking...

Speaker 42 It's only half gay now.

Speaker 71 That had to be five.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 119 Amazing.

Speaker 34 Amazing, Jackson.

Speaker 19 So remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up now?

Speaker 158 Uh, seven, eight years, maybe.

Speaker 73 Seven or eight years.

Speaker 86 All of it here in Texas?

Speaker 103 Yes, sir.

Speaker 45 Okay, this is where you're born and raised?

Speaker 158 Houston, Texas.

Speaker 58 Okay, what are your parents like?

Speaker 82 What do they think of this whole thing with you?

Speaker 158 They're just regular folk, conservative, Methodist.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 83 What does your dad say to you?

Speaker 75 What?

Speaker 82 When he hears material like this, what do you think he's going to say?

Speaker 73 Like, Jackson, god damn.

Speaker 158 You got boomer autism, so like, I give him credit. I give him space, you know what I mean?

Speaker 71 Like,

Speaker 36 what do you mean by that? Can you?

Speaker 158 Like, he can knock on the walls and be like, that's hardwood right there.

Speaker 10 Like, he just

Speaker 158 knows shit like that. So, you know, we get along in a weird way so like

Speaker 158 hank kill shit definitely hank hill shit yeah if Bobby was trans and me yeah yeah what do you guys do for fun what do you and your dad do for fun we used to go camping we don't you know a strain relationships you know we we trying

Speaker 158 yeah how about mom you closer with mom she cool she uh she was in remission for breast cancer about a okay yeah look at that amazing full remission

Speaker 45 Okay, so what do you do for fun, Jackson, when you're not doing comedy or sucking cock?

Speaker 56 What's your third favorite thing to do?

Speaker 122 We know what the first two are.

Speaker 118 This guy is killing and filling.

Speaker 20 He's crushing and gushing.

Speaker 158 I got me a girlfriend.

Speaker 10 Really?

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 119 you?

Speaker 153 Okay. Where'd you meet this guy?

Speaker 108 No.

Speaker 91 No.

Speaker 117 It's a real girl?

Speaker 158 Yeah.

Speaker 34 You're gay, but you have a girlfriend.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Help us to understand.

Speaker 158 I was her gay friend. Uh-huh.
And now she needs a gay friend.

Speaker 133 It finally worked for one of us.

Speaker 71 We finally.

Speaker 66 It's been a strategy for a long time.

Speaker 42 This is amazing.

Speaker 44 So explain to us the slow burn that was you being her gay friend to starting to fuck.

Speaker 145 How long were you guys just friends for?

Speaker 161 Years, careers, years, right?

Speaker 27 Definitely years.

Speaker 117 So then what?

Speaker 137 Explain to us the moment, the day, the date, the movie, whatever it may have been, where all of a sudden you...

Speaker 158 It was the day I was being institutionalized. It was that day.
Okay, so tell us about that so like she called me

Speaker 158 after a while it'd been a while and I was like yeah, cuz you remember I said I suck dick up here and million views and yeah, you just did it again

Speaker 63 just did it again.

Speaker 70 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 158 I mean it's whatever, but I'm just saying, you know, I got a lot of traction on Grindr after that. That was crazy.

Speaker 45 But I okay, so you're you got institutionalized after your appearance on the show?

Speaker 158 For sure, for sure. But why?

Speaker 88 What? Why?

Speaker 109 Was it for the pressure of being on the show, honestly?

Speaker 158 No, okay.

Speaker 58 Man, no.

Speaker 67 Okay, tell us why you got institutionalized.

Speaker 96 The gay shit.

Speaker 145 What do you mean?

Speaker 28 Who is this?

Speaker 158 I was sad.

Speaker 133 Juanita was here earlier.

Speaker 67 She's not going to jail.

Speaker 20 She's not going to a psych ward.

Speaker 158 She put me on some Prozac. Fuck the medicine companies.
That shit.

Speaker 117 Was it your parents?

Speaker 124 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 10 That's the answer.

Speaker 158 Yeah, it was fine.

Speaker 41 It was fine.

Speaker 29 Okay, so how long did you get institutionalized for?

Speaker 158 Two months.

Speaker 107 Two months. Two months? Tell us about that.

Speaker 65 What was that like?

Speaker 158 I was popular for the first time ever.

Speaker 57 It was awesome.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 13 Explain to us what you mean by that.

Speaker 158 Well, like, they do this group therapy shit, and, like, I was just running laughs around, motherfuckers.

Speaker 31 Getting big laughs.

Speaker 70 Yeah, like, fucking killing.

Speaker 158 Oh, mama, cancer. Oh, I was a sweetheart.

Speaker 161 Like, motherfuckers.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 158 Yeah, but for them girls with the fucking bracelets around their cut wrists, that shit. Oh, shit.

Speaker 68 I was everyone's best friend.

Speaker 20 So you met this girl, this new girlfriend of yours, in the cycle.

Speaker 44 No, so where'd you...

Speaker 73 Oh, that's right, right.

Speaker 99 Hometown, hometown girlfriend.

Speaker 93 So why did she come out of the woodwork the day of your institutionalization?

Speaker 96 God, I don't know.

Speaker 52 I don't know.

Speaker 158 I don't fucking know.

Speaker 83 Okay, so when you got out two months later, she picked you up?

Speaker 158 Yeah, we waited, slow burn, just doing gay friend shit, going to the galleria, fucking botanical gardens, whatever.

Speaker 161 Right, that's

Speaker 9 fucked. It just, it brewed.

Speaker 159 Okay, so tell us about that moment where it went from being super gay to not gay at all anymore.

Speaker 158 I would sit in the cup chair in her bedroom.

Speaker 50 While she was having sex with guys.

Speaker 158 Well, when I would do comedy, she would do some of that.

Speaker 161 But, like, that.

Speaker 158 Because, like, we wasn't together. So it was like I was doing some of that too.
We just keeping the friendship.

Speaker 82 Okay, let me go back to the root question here.

Speaker 35 I'm trying to fight Prozac right now.

Speaker 71 This is a live battle.

Speaker 23 Tony versus Prozac and a battle of the Titans.

Speaker 133 If you're wondering why these interviews go nowhere sometimes, it's because it is.

Speaker 23 is.

Speaker 36 The big healthcare companies have a tight grip on my show.

Speaker 31 So far, Prozac is up one round against me.

Speaker 60 There had to be a moment, a true moment, say you're at the botanical gardens or something like that, a moment where you're like, I think I could, I think I want to have sex with you.

Speaker 158 I was watching this National Geographic show.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 67 No, seriously, in real life, it doesn't have to be funny.

Speaker 158 We just fucked. I was in the bedroom.
I was laying down. We were tired of scissoring.
It was time.

Speaker 53 It was time it was time

Speaker 158 i squirted she squirted my pussy was wet we got the pH medifier motherfucker we was ready but so you're regularly having sex with a girl she's pregnant yes

Speaker 162 wait

Speaker 110 what

Speaker 152 there are some I'm confused I can't even imagine I'm looking out at some Texans that definitely drove a fucking F-250 here from a from an hour and a half away Some real fucking ranch folks that have literally...

Speaker 71 I don't think

Speaker 7 he ain't gay no more.

Speaker 81 He likes women.

Speaker 144 This is incredible.

Speaker 17 Are you still on the SSRIs?

Speaker 52 No, sir. Okay.
No, sir.

Speaker 158 I'm free-wheeling it, motherfucker.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 23 How long has the girl been pregnant for?

Speaker 14 She's due in october due in october unbelievable and so what are you gonna name the little f ⁇

Speaker 132 well

Speaker 50 that thing's coming out gay as fuck dude

Speaker 35 You're gonna go through what your parents went through

Speaker 56 and you're gonna find out how karma works

Speaker 122 and they're gonna think you're the conservative autistic one.

Speaker 158 Lil Jaden, I don't know, he's gonna be light-skinned. We gonna fuck around.

Speaker 91 Oh, it's a black girl?

Speaker 158 Oh, she's Nigerian, yes, sir.

Speaker 12 Wow!

Speaker 144 This is incredible. This guy's making up for all the interviews that went nowhere today.

Speaker 90 Every time I ask him a question.

Speaker 109 But isn't it nice that he's still disappointing his parents?

Speaker 71 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 71 Have you told them that you're straight now?

Speaker 159 Have you broke the news to your parents that you're having a baby?

Speaker 158 Yeah, they were, they're, yeah.

Speaker 29 They

Speaker 111 know. Yes, sir.

Speaker 92 How do they feel about it?

Speaker 96 They're relieved.

Speaker 55 They're like, thank gosh, fuck.

Speaker 54 It's incredible.

Speaker 145 How does it feel going from gay to straight?

Speaker 158 In record time, crazy.

Speaker 52 Motherfucker, like.

Speaker 121 In split speed, yeah.

Speaker 145 What's funny is that you still, you got so good from doing it seven or eight years as a gay man that all of your material is crushing and you're talking about sucking dick.

Speaker 158 Well, you know, I still dabble, but.

Speaker 71 Do you really?

Speaker 5 You really? Do you wanna either hobbies?

Speaker 11 The fuck? Wow.

Speaker 14 Does she do that too?

Speaker 158 Yeah, we fuck around. We have a good time.
We're here.

Speaker 75 Wow. Incredible.

Speaker 25 I know where I'm sleeping tonight.

Speaker 128 My new friend's house.

Speaker 153 Pregnant Nigerian and super gay guy.

Speaker 36 Sounds like a fucking.

Speaker 70 You gotta get ready to be a father to this child. You gotta stop fucking around.

Speaker 80 You gotta buy some real pants.

Speaker 8 You got to now believe in your ability to be there for this woman and this child.

Speaker 7 But you've run that until October is soon.

Speaker 158 I'm busting my ass here, motherfucker.

Speaker 57 I'm trying my best.

Speaker 109 No, you got to not bust your ass.

Speaker 42 Exactly.

Speaker 13 Your ass has been busted enough.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 14 Jackson, does she have a job?

Speaker 96 Yeah, sure. What does she do?

Speaker 158 We don't got a job right now.

Speaker 13 You guys neither of you have jobs.

Speaker 60 How are you planning on supporting the child?

Speaker 158 Uh give me a gig, motherfucker.

Speaker 31 No, that's not how it works.

Speaker 145 How are you gonna do it

Speaker 146 uh period?

Speaker 158 Uh you know you know we don't only fans, I don't know.

Speaker 87 Do you guys do things on OnlyFans?

Speaker 136 No, sir.

Speaker 75 No. Okay.

Speaker 153 So how they got a big How are you planning on taking supporting the child?

Speaker 45 This interview is gonna get savvy.

Speaker 158 Oh bullshit ass job, motherfucker.

Speaker 112 Like what?

Speaker 158 I was up with that a hair store. I can do that again.
A hair store?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 99 Sally's?

Speaker 32 Okay. Red bam.

Speaker 117 I don't know.

Speaker 158 I don't know what that shit is.

Speaker 150 Exactly.

Speaker 109 Dude,

Speaker 109 you got immense talent to be a professional comic, though, for real. You gotta be a good person.

Speaker 69 For real? Thank you.

Speaker 158 Thank God, motherfuckers.

Speaker 125 Somebody say it. Thank you so much.

Speaker 13 Send this guy some money. Send this.

Speaker 131 Send this, what do they call it when they transfer this?

Speaker 85 Transfer what?

Speaker 133 Should I say that? Born-again, straight guy.

Speaker 70 Listen, it's all well and good to be homophobic, but unless you're willing to give money to an ex-ish homosexual, what does it all mean?

Speaker 131 What's your Venmo?

Speaker 10 Give your Venmo yes.

Speaker 31 Yeah, what's your Venn?

Speaker 123 N-A-M-I.

Speaker 107 Yes. Jackson Nami1.

Speaker 74 You're gonna want to get a Venmo.

Speaker 70 The cash app people don't give as generously.

Speaker 3 Right, it's chill.

Speaker 13 You're gonna need a Venmo.

Speaker 35 Venmo is one more V you have to get into

Speaker 120 What's your longest set you've ever done Jackson 1015

Speaker 133 I'd love to give you an eight-minute spot at Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 55 There you go.

Speaker 38 And here's the big joke, Mo Jackson. Here you go.

Speaker 90 He caught it. He's straight.

Speaker 42 It's official.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 33 Unbelievable.

Speaker 14 What an intriguing interview.

Speaker 13 One more time for Jackson, Jackson, everybody.

Speaker 33 All right, your final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 66 Make some noise for Frank Kidd, everyone.

Speaker 152 Frank Kidd. Here we go.

Speaker 69 We're almost there.

Speaker 13 One more time for Frank, everybody.

Speaker 99 All right, hello.

Speaker 173 Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring it the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people.

Speaker 173 Like black people drive past a plantation and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us and

Speaker 173 just how it impacts us today.

Speaker 173 Just the

Speaker 173 number of souls lost to the annals of time, crushed under an oppressive system.

Speaker 173 And then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding.

Speaker 74 Why don't we get married here?

Speaker 67 Babe, let's do a silly one.

Speaker 173 Put the shackles on me.

Speaker 5 That's crazy.

Speaker 123 I don't know.

Speaker 67 Ma'am, have you ever been to a wedding at Auschwitz? Has that ever happened to you?

Speaker 138 No, that'd be crazy, right?

Speaker 40 Okay, all right. Thank you.

Speaker 4 All right, Frank Kidd.

Speaker 18 Welcome, Frank. Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 125 Yeah, first time on the show.

Speaker 19 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 173 Four years now. Where at?

Speaker 173 Baton Rouge.

Speaker 9 Baton Rouge.

Speaker 23 That was going to be my next.

Speaker 4 Great game.

Speaker 29 Great game.

Speaker 85 Yeah, it goes on. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 82 It is college football season.

Speaker 107 Did you go to college?

Speaker 173 Yeah, I went to LSU.

Speaker 3 Oh, sweet.

Speaker 65 What did you get your degree in?

Speaker 29 Journalism.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 12 What do you use that at all for anything?

Speaker 173 Delivering Amazon packages.

Speaker 131 Did you pay off your college debts yet?

Speaker 173 Parents pay for it. Oh, nice.

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 99 What do the parents do?

Speaker 173 Real estate.

Speaker 40 Nice. Look at that.
You locked out.

Speaker 101 Thank you, Mama Dune.

Speaker 54 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 25 What do you do for fun, Frank?

Speaker 173 I like to go out, hang out with my girlfriend, watch football. Okay.
Do gay remixes, songs.

Speaker 44 Do what remixes?

Speaker 102 Gay remixes.

Speaker 44 What do you mean, gay remixes?

Speaker 173 It's like, just like a.

Speaker 173 Yeah, he was about to say, it's like a regular song, but James, go ahead.

Speaker 70 Sorry, we just saw a gay remix come out early, Ron.

Speaker 74 That won't make sense to you, but I apologize.

Speaker 80 There was a gay guy who's not gay anymore.

Speaker 58 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 71 I heard the last part of the game.

Speaker 74 Well, he's sort of not gay anymore.

Speaker 113 Well, he dabbles.

Speaker 124 Yeah, he dabbles. Yeah.

Speaker 20 He'll still suck your fucking dick in a heartbeat.

Speaker 56 Totally straight now.

Speaker 150 No anal.

Speaker 102 Frank, how long have you been with your girlfriend?

Speaker 173 About a year now.

Speaker 156 What does she do?

Speaker 173 She works at Dillard's.

Speaker 40 Oh, okay. All right.
White girl, black girl?

Speaker 46 Black.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 173 I don't like how he...

Speaker 117 What? You was like, white girl, black girl?

Speaker 173 I was like, she's black.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 173 It's a weird question. No, I'm just saying.
I was like...

Speaker 173 It seems like you looked at me and you were like, he dates white women. And I was like...

Speaker 10 You don't think you look like you would?

Speaker 81 Not anymore.

Speaker 91 Right, right.

Speaker 145 You've been with white women before?

Speaker 3 No comment. Of course.

Speaker 59 When you have, what's something that you notice that's different about white women?

Speaker 85 Oh my god.

Speaker 58 I'm about to.

Speaker 70 Man, man, white pussy. No.

Speaker 67 White pussy be like, black pussy.

Speaker 173 I really didn't notice anything different, you know?

Speaker 153 Nothing at all, huh?

Speaker 52 Nothing.

Speaker 74 There's so many huge differences.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Huge.

Speaker 70 Like, I bet this, you know, touching of the hair is, I'm told, a big thing.

Speaker 75 No doubt.

Speaker 151 I'm sorry.

Speaker 96 White women have that cauliflower thing deep inside them that black people don't have.

Speaker 6 I don't know who. What is that, man?

Speaker 132 Anybody feel that cauliflower?

Speaker 119 Black women not have it?

Speaker 15 What the fuck is wrong with you?

Speaker 30 What is wrong with you?

Speaker 166 What

Speaker 6 the fuck is wrong with you?

Speaker 22 Have you felt the cauliflower thing before?

Speaker 99 It was broccoli. It was broccoli.

Speaker 52 Broccoli.

Speaker 76 Broccoli.

Speaker 52 Cauliflower is if it's a white woman, it's broccoli.

Speaker 6 If it's a darker woman.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 73 So, Frank, what else?

Speaker 99 What do you do for any other hobbies or anything like that?

Speaker 173 I play Xbox. I go to the gym, I guess.

Speaker 173 I wish I did like rock climbing or bungee jumping or killed people or something for fun. That would be more interesting.

Speaker 29 That makes sense, though.

Speaker 40 I love it.

Speaker 45 I love it. What's your favorite food, Frank?

Speaker 173 Mac and cheese.

Speaker 134 Ah, how often do you eat mac and cheese?

Speaker 173 Probably once every two weeks.

Speaker 143 Wow, what a special treat.

Speaker 165 I eat it more than that.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 10 Red Band has to go to a meetup group if he goes two weeks without his mac and cheese.

Speaker 20 What's your favorite mac and cheese?

Speaker 69 Ooh, what the here we go.

Speaker 54 Different levels to the game.

Speaker 58 Perhaps some bacon bits in the mix.

Speaker 173 Oven baked with the bacon bits and the breadcrumbs on top.

Speaker 23 Red Band sometimes does a breadcrumbs only remix of that.

Speaker 89 Breadcrumbs!

Speaker 89 All right.

Speaker 40 Frank, Frank, Frank.

Speaker 56 Frank kid.

Speaker 145 You have any kids?

Speaker 136 No, I do not have any kids.

Speaker 29 You want to?

Speaker 173 Is that are you offering me something?

Speaker 37 Yes, would you like to make a baby with me?

Speaker 110 No.

Speaker 145 Do you want to have kids one day?

Speaker 173 Yes, I'd like to have kids. Do you see that? Also, I will take you up on your offer to have kids with you.
Perfect. Because, you know, divorce.

Speaker 75 I'm coming for half.

Speaker 58 Absolutely.

Speaker 49 Absolutely.

Speaker 86 I had a feeling you were going to try to steal something from me when I first.

Speaker 147 I didn't realize you were going to play the long game, Frank. I thought you were coming straight for my wallet.

Speaker 68 I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony.

Speaker 53 I love it.

Speaker 36 I missed that. What did he say?

Speaker 74 You said he was playing the long game with you?

Speaker 173 No, I said I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony.

Speaker 27 Oh, I'm sorry. That's very dick.

Speaker 114 I'm not sure what I thought about that.

Speaker 41 Oh, I thought.

Speaker 85 Absolutely.

Speaker 143 Okay, Frank, anything else crazy about your life we should know about?

Speaker 137 Anything ever happened or a weird thing with your family or

Speaker 87 weird thing with my family?

Speaker 29 Something, anything about your entire life makes you different?

Speaker 173 Okay, so I was out this weekend and this old dude walked up to my girlfriend's friend and he stopped like this

Speaker 173 and he looked her up and down and pulled his glasses down and walked away. I thought that was pretty funny.
That was insane. I can't believe I saw that in real life.
That was ridiculous.

Speaker 173 What did you do?

Speaker 173 We looked at each other and laughed. We were like, has that ever worked for you or something? He's like 60-something years old in the club with like 25 at 30-year-old.

Speaker 140 I'm just appreciating it.

Speaker 113 Like, that's a compliment.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 173 Yeah, sure. Is that how you hit all women?

Speaker 65 Sure.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 42 He's got the look.

Speaker 117 That's my thing.

Speaker 85 Oh, God.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 173 You want to be on secret show?

Speaker 16 Can you keep a secret?

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 83 Frank, fun times.

Speaker 29 Congratulations on getting pulled.

Speaker 4 There you go. There's a joke.

Speaker 15 Frank Kidd, everybody.

Speaker 13 There he goes, everyone.

Speaker 66 Frank Kidd.

Speaker 14 Well, we've been through so much tonight.

Speaker 54 I mean, how could we forget Colin Sledge starting it off with a great set and an awkward interview?

Speaker 36 And then Juanita being Juanita, the giant Mexican woman with a cock.

Speaker 122 Then there was the electrical energy of Pat O'Neal.

Speaker 33 The huge bombing of Olivia Coughlin talking about Jill Biden and her cleaner.

Speaker 21 It was Mario Z, Hans Kim, Isaac Kane Brown, Augie Lee, John Bechtel, Alex Tarnow, Jackson Naimi, who went from gay to straight.

Speaker 35 Coming inside of a woman's vagina after the dick had been in many assholes of men.

Speaker 26 Men's assholes.

Speaker 26 Where poop comes out of.

Speaker 55 And then it's in where a baby comes out of.

Speaker 163 A vagina.

Speaker 21 And it came inside of it to the point to where a baby will come out of the shit-stained vagina.

Speaker 33 Amazing to think that one day, little baby Nami will come out of the shit-slide vagina.

Speaker 152 It's like, this is really Tiny's internal monologue, I think, at all times.

Speaker 67 We've had so much fun with James, the Black Israelite, is out on YouTube.

Speaker 28 Dave Landau's book, Cardi of One, is out now.

Speaker 33 I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with only one man can do it.

Speaker 33 The Hall of Famer, who has more appearances than anybody ever in the history of the show.

Speaker 31 Some people call him the nicked nuisance,

Speaker 66 the prince of prize picks,

Speaker 14 the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler.

Speaker 42 This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

Speaker 70 Quick survey.

Speaker 104 Who here has not seen the remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler?

Speaker 70 Okay, spoiler alert.

Speaker 116 He rapes a lot of inmates. It's graphic.

Speaker 179 The sun has gone bad. I repeat.
The sun has gone bad.

Speaker 117 That is the guy who's never seen black people.

Speaker 178 If anybody ever hacked or figured out my social security number, I would be screwed because they would know my password to literally everything.

Speaker 116 In high school, Red Band was so racist, he got voted most likely to secede.

Speaker 179 Yeah, from the union.

Speaker 70 During school photos, they'd be like, Red Band, you can't wear that hood.

Speaker 70 Okay, that's my time, Tony.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 13 Very interesting set.

Speaker 14 Accusing Red Band of racism when he was younger.

Speaker 44 That's That's an odd, different maneuver. We've never seen this before.

Speaker 104 I had never seen his yearbook picture before.

Speaker 140 I actually got his

Speaker 140 yearbook from his mom. His mom sent me a bunch of

Speaker 104 shit in the mail. We're pin pals.

Speaker 107 Does his mom send you a lot of things?

Speaker 140 Yeah, I mean, all kinds of stuff. But yeah, she did send me his old yearbooks.
And it was, because normally it's most likely to succeed.

Speaker 140 Right, yeah, they said succide, and he's wearing his fucking stars and bars shirt.

Speaker 73 It was really weird.

Speaker 116 I get it.

Speaker 104 He's in Ohio or whatever, but yeah, it seemed pretty racist.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 75 William, are you ever racist?

Speaker 143 What do you think about other people?

Speaker 99 No. Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 140 I try to take people as they are, Tony. I try to.

Speaker 140 I try to, but I'll be honest, though.

Speaker 140 Somebody I can be racist against, though, is other red-headed people.

Speaker 102 Every now and again,

Speaker 140 I generally like to be the only red-headed person.

Speaker 70 You start this up again?

Speaker 71 You start this shit with me once again.

Speaker 179 He's asking me what I feel racist against.

Speaker 70 I do feel racist against other red-edit people.

Speaker 70 We got to stick together. We got to do something for the community.

Speaker 178 Yeah, but I want to be the only one when I'm in a room.

Speaker 104 I want to be the only red-headed fucking person when I'm in a room.

Speaker 73 You don't feel that way?

Speaker 74 You guys.

Speaker 81 I don't care about it.

Speaker 115 That's weird.

Speaker 81 That's weird, yeah.

Speaker 57 We don't get any special powers or strengths.

Speaker 74 There's no red-headed advocacy group out there trying to get us an Oscar.

Speaker 71 Sounds like William.

Speaker 140 We require more anesthesia. That seems like a superpower to me, James.

Speaker 14 Is that true?

Speaker 153 Have you known that?

Speaker 82 Have you had to use anesthesia?

Speaker 74 Only the women.

Speaker 74 It's a fun fact.

Speaker 74 It's only the women.

Speaker 75 What?

Speaker 74 Red-headed women need more anesthesia. They don't really understand why.

Speaker 16 It's not fun, and it's not funny.

Speaker 55 So I didn't really want to talk about it.

Speaker 70 But that happens to be a fact.

Speaker 74 It's like Mexicans not getting knocked out or, or, you know, black guys doing a marathon.

Speaker 10 That's true.

Speaker 17 There are certain anomalies with different

Speaker 67 skins and colors and blood types.

Speaker 74 I will say I once was under anesthetic for my adult circumcision and it was the best day of my life.

Speaker 145 How old were you during this circumcision?

Speaker 74 I was 30.

Speaker 9 You were 30 years old, 3-0?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Okay, what happened there?

Speaker 140 Tell us about that.

Speaker 74 You ever had the rope on a hoodie tied too tight?

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Anyway, we had something like that sort of develop over the years.

Speaker 74 The doctors assured me it was not too much masturbating, but I have to think it was too much.

Speaker 109 How many days did it take to heal?

Speaker 115 The circumcision?

Speaker 41 Yes.

Speaker 74 Ages. Man, I had to wear a condom in public.

Speaker 71 Really?

Speaker 74 As a leathery exterior developed on the head of my hitherto unexposed pants.

Speaker 111 I like to lose the whole room right at the end of the show. That's what I'm all about, Don.

Speaker 8 You've done so well up to this point.

Speaker 101 Tony, I have a condom on my penis right now.

Speaker 115 You do?

Speaker 81 People do that.

Speaker 178 Red-headed people walk around

Speaker 84 your penis.

Speaker 25 Wow, what kind of condom is it?

Speaker 140 Ultra-ribbed.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 71 Wow.

Speaker 116 I can get at the gas station tonight. Oh, my God.

Speaker 109 What was the age of your circumcision? Huh? Circumcised at birth or 30?

Speaker 73 At birth.

Speaker 75 Oh, Oh, very good.

Speaker 93 William, you got ultra-ribbed condoms at the gas station?

Speaker 140 Yeah, there's literally one on my dick right now.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 140 God, I don't give a fuck anymore, dude.

Speaker 143 Checks and Nami would suck it right off if you just stuck it through that curtain right now.

Speaker 29 I'm sure he would.

Speaker 171 Yeah, I can't believe you got a girl pregnant.

Speaker 70 What a stupid bitch to let that game.

Speaker 71 It's beautiful.

Speaker 11 It's beautiful.

Speaker 24 Get her fucking ass pregnant.

Speaker 55 That seems

Speaker 81 stupid.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 109 What do you think he should name the AIDS baby?

Speaker 130 Isn't it solid?

Speaker 65 Maybe Dan?

Speaker 46 Dan could be a good name.

Speaker 143 William, what else did you get from the gas station?

Speaker 140 Oh, shit, Tony. I mean, the peanut butter Snickers, you know, I am eating those things non-stop.
I'm drinking.

Speaker 140 my A1C is still fucked up, Tony.

Speaker 88 Your what?

Speaker 140 My A1C's still fucked up.

Speaker 73 I'm not doing your what is fucked up.

Speaker 140 A1C.

Speaker 140 What is that? It's something in my blood.

Speaker 140 It's the numbers are messed up still.

Speaker 140 Nothing I'm doing is working, Tony.

Speaker 73 Are you going to a like a normal doctor?

Speaker 140 It's a Chinese medicine place.

Speaker 140 They're the only people that take my insurance. He has this weird ass fucking Chinese.

Speaker 44 Why are you going to a Chinese medicine place?

Speaker 140 It's the only place that takes my insurance rate though.

Speaker 50 And

Speaker 109 they jerk you off.

Speaker 61 You have bad news and a happy ending at the same time.

Speaker 145 What do they say your A1C is?

Speaker 104 You have too much hemoglobin or whatever.

Speaker 90 Yes.

Speaker 15 Thank you, Redban.

Speaker 21 Our senior medical correspondent, Brian Redban.

Speaker 93 It's a glucose issue.

Speaker 140 What did you just call it, Red Band?

Speaker 116 I was just thinking, that was like the stupidest.

Speaker 73 Hemoglobin.

Speaker 127 It's like, God, am I having a stroke right now?

Speaker 26 Am I really fucking dying right now?

Speaker 140 Listening to this idiot.

Speaker 71 I'm going to double red with you right now.

Speaker 58 But hemoglobin.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Our senior medical correspondent.

Speaker 95 Hemoglobin.

Speaker 75 Hemoglobin. All right.

Speaker 120 It's funny because he looked it up and everything.

Speaker 36 It's just right there.

Speaker 147 It's written in big letters.

Speaker 31 Hemoglobin.

Speaker 144 And you were so close.

Speaker 23 If only you could read.

Speaker 71 It's Hobgoblin.

Speaker 91 The Hobgoblin.

Speaker 63 It's Spider-Man's arch nemesis, the Hemoglobin.

Speaker 35 Hemoglobin A1C.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 29 What else did you get from the gas station, William?

Speaker 70 I got the Twizzlers, Tony!

Speaker 32 Wow!

Speaker 152 What else, William?

Speaker 70 Got some Gatorade!

Speaker 109 What flavor Gatorade did you get?

Speaker 104 Lemon ice.

Speaker 14 No, that's a fake name.

Speaker 101 I just get scared.

Speaker 140 When you put me on the spot like this, I get scared.

Speaker 28 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great.
Yeah.

Speaker 91 That's what happens.

Speaker 43 That's why it's a hit part of the show, William.

Speaker 143 It ain't easy.

Speaker 44 It ain't easy improvising every week.

Speaker 93 What else did you get from the gas station?

Speaker 69 Don't look at James.

Speaker 174 Don't look at Jesus. Jeeves, sunglasses, Tony!

Speaker 140 Okay, I'm sweating now, Tony.

Speaker 30 It's not.

Speaker 73 It's okay. Seriously.

Speaker 45 You got sunglasses?

Speaker 45 Were they like the athletic kind or normal or like what kind of sunglasses?

Speaker 107 Like D-Madness's?

Speaker 82 John D's, perhaps?

Speaker 123 Were they like Matt Muelling's?

Speaker 104 It looks like D-Madden's glasses are made out of this material that is zapping the bugs.

Speaker 116 It looks like his glasses could zap the bugs. D-Maddis, it looks just like it.

Speaker 83 What else did you get from the gas station, William?

Speaker 174 Lotto Diggas, Tony!

Speaker 101 But it's so nice to be here, Tony.

Speaker 33 William, we love you so much.

Speaker 50 You are the best.

Speaker 13 He's done it again.

Speaker 152 Thank you to Nickton Prize Picks.

Speaker 13 How about one more time for the great James McCann, everybody?

Speaker 66 Go to his YouTube, James Donald Forbes McCann, and watch the new special, Black Israelite on YouTube.

Speaker 87 Anything else you want to say, James?

Speaker 142 I got a new single out on Spotify.

Speaker 72 I got a new book of poems coming out.

Speaker 70 I'm doing five things badly.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 15 Incredible, James McCann.

Speaker 33 We love you.

Speaker 133 Make some noise for Dave Landau, everybody.

Speaker 126 His book, Party of One, available now on Amazon.

Speaker 14 He's on tour, DaveLandau.com.

Speaker 17 It's all happening.

Speaker 120 Thank you, Dave.

Speaker 33 Anything else?

Speaker 109 That's it. Thank you for having me.
Check out my show, Normal World. Other than that, thank you all.

Speaker 133 DaveLandau.com.

Speaker 152 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 33 E-belt is in.

Speaker 120 It's a perfect drawing of James and Dave.

Speaker 50 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Speaker 120 Oh, it's Timmy.

Speaker 78 No breaks, everybody.

Speaker 13 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Speaker 68 Red band.

Speaker 5 Check out my fake band, Catbread7, on Spotify, iTunes, and YouTube.

Speaker 130 We love you guys.

Speaker 31 Tickets are on sale now for the Moody Center, New Year's Eve.

Speaker 24 Everybody says they can't get tickets to a Kill Tony.

Speaker 23 Now is everyone's official chance.

Speaker 31 One of the largest tapings of the show we've ever done and the largest ever in Austin, Texas, only on New Year's Eve this year.

Speaker 33 We love you guys. We'll see you there.
Thank you.

Speaker 79 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 180 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 180 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptatx.com for tickets.

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