#736 - JAMES MCCANN + DAVE LANDAU

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Sunglassed up like a real rock star.

And John D's sunglasses because he naps during the show.

Secretly napping during the show.

And there's D-Madness, also sunglasses, ladies and gentlemen.

He stays awake the entire time just in case.

Just in case that vision comes back for a sweet sweet second he doesn't want to miss it he does not sleep he stays awake eyes open

how do we feel everybody we in a good mood tonight

Very, very exciting stuff happening.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what, huh?

Get that fucking fly out of here.

It's the CNN fly.

They have little drones.

They bring them to Joe Rogan's club and try to get fucking...

I'm going to kill this thing before we do this.

I'm going to kill this fucking thing.

Come on.

Where is it?

Come on.

Here we go.

Okay, here we go.

Son of a bitch.

I think it's gone.

Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode?

Here we go.

Every single week, I purposefully book two, sometimes one, sometimes three.

But I have fun matching up the chemistries.

I envision how would these two work together every single week.

I put a lot of thought into this.

This one is a special one.

Two of the guests of the year frontrunners right now for 2025.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the greats.

James McCann and Dave Landau.

Oh yeah.

James Donald Forbes McCann is back

and his new special, Black Israelite, is on YouTube.

Dave Landau's new book, Party of One, out now on Amazon.

Welcome back, gentlemen.

James McCann, one of the most used guests in 2025.

What a joy it is to be here once again

at this beautiful club with these beautiful people.

Dave, hello.

Hey.

Hello.

Wow.

James is the man.

We love you.

Black Israelite out now on YouTube.

His new pink special.

Unless it's been taken down by now, but at the moment, it's out and it's cool there.

I love it.

I love it James is one of those monsters coming up I love it you're truly one of the funniest people around you guys will see when you watch his new special Dave Landau welcome back buddy how are you makes so nice for Dave I'm doing good man hey how are you

fresh off of big weekend books out we're gonna have fun brought to you by Nickton Prize picks now you guys have both done this show before so you know but maybe just maybe someone brought their you know significant other that you know while you're they're watching the show every week maybe they're out doing the dishes perhaps or or vacuuming the floors or folding the laundry and you don't know what your what your loved one is listening to well let me tell you while you're out there working on your secret only fans page

the show's about comedy ton of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds if i pull them out of this bucket Their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

They could be the next big stand-up comedy superstar.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a bear.

It is the West Hollywood bear.

Interrupts them.

Comes after the cat.

We've been doing this 12 and a half years.

So I've panted out.

Jesus Christ, I ain't fucking tripping today.

This coffee's banging.

Six shots.

All right.

While we wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner that's going to do a minute for you, ladies and gentlemen.

He is one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Make some noise for Colin Sledge, everyone.

Okay, thank you.

I need a pair of

a pair of legal titties to suck on.

Should have saved that for the end.

My Czech Engine Light's been on for a few months.

And I feel like the Czech Engine Light has very feminine energy.

It's like something's wrong.

What's wrong?

Well, if you cared, you would already know.

My girlfriend thinks The Godfather is too long, but her story about when her coworker was bitchy to her two years ago is

the perfect length.

Okay, thank you.

Colin Sledge.

Very funny.

You've done it again.

One of the very few non-handicapped golden ticket winners that come in

and and really fucking set it off every time.

How do you feel, Colin?

I feel pretty good.

How's life been going for you here in Austin?

Good.

In Austin?

I haven't quite moved here yet.

Oh, you're still up in Houston?

Yeah, we're looking at places tomorrow.

Who's we?

Me and my girlfriend.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

What does she do again?

She takes care of me.

Yeah, she does comedy.

Oh, okay.

Did she start after you?

She started

sort of like four or five years ago.

When did you start?

Well, I started, I did two years in college and then I took eight years off.

So she started before and after me.

James McCann.

Well, do you find this is difficult on the relationship?

That she was the big star and you know now you're here doing this and are you worried that in a lady Gaga Bradley Cooper situation you'll return home one day?

And

because that can be tricky on a relationship.

Yeah, somewhat.

I'm not sure I understand the question.

Is she threatened by your enormous success?

There might be some degree of resentment.

Does it ever come up?

Yes.

Can you tell us what that's like?

She accused me of using the shoots and ladders.

What does that mean?

It means I took the ladder up or something.

Can you explain that better?

So, you know, the game shoots and ladders.

Do you use this as an analogy a lot?

It's her analogy.

Oh, she said this.

Yeah.

Wow, no wonder she's not as famous as you.

Shoots and ladders from your childhood.

Milton Bradley 80s board game.

Please don't get me in trouble.

Just for that first joke, you really are.

Oh, shit.

Mike 4 is not on.

Try it again.

So you really are a pedophile.

No, take his mic away.

Okay.

Son of a bitch.

Biggest comedy show in the world.

We just have mics that don't work up here.

Unbelievable.

We went to New York.

You met her.

I don't know if she remembers.

My girlfriend.

What?

You met my girlfriend in New York.

Okay.

Thanks for having us.

That was fun.

Okay.

I don't know if I really had you.

What do you, what do you want to do?

Your girlfriend wasn't the little boy who was cut from broadcast.

Uh, no.

Okay, good.

Just because he said you were a pedophile.

Yeah, I wondered what that was in reference to, yeah.

Yeah, Finn again.

There are some elegant things about you.

Why do you still have sunglasses on your shirt right now?

My shirt touching my neck bothers me, so I wear sunglasses to pull it it down.

God, you're creepy as fuck

Very funny, but annoyingly creepy the feeling of sunglasses on your neck is better than a shirt.

Yeah, well, I don't really feel a sunglass, it's this right here that bothers me.

This isn't what I wanted to talk about.

What do you want to talk about?

Segue into something that you want to talk about.

New York is fun.

I went to Brooklyn.

Fucking hive of flies around here, guys.

Something happening?

Someone pranking the show?

Did someone bring fucking frozen flies and then thaw them out?

Like ants.

You ever make an ant farm before?

You just throw them in the fridge.

Those motherfuckers chill out.

Oh, I went to the Kill Tony band show in New York.

Okay.

That was actually, I was high up in edible.

It was so fucking good.

Hell yeah.

Seriously.

Everybody had a blast.

I heard all about it.

Blue note, packed up.

See, Pander gets it back on you.

No, there was this Swedish lady, and she was like playing these old bagpipes, and I had taken edibles, so I was like freaking out.

It was really fun.

When you say you were freaking out, what does that mean to you?

I don't understand jazz music,

and I usually don't enjoy it either.

But it was a really good show.

Okay, I thought that was a big setup coming there for you.

I went to museums.

I went to where Luigi shot that guy

all right

uh

i took a train to a train museum

all right that's enough

that's just where it's getting good hecklers to try and museum

i went to a train museum in sacramento last month it was sick

Some people are good at the set, good at the interview.

Some people are bad at the set, great at the interview.

You are one of those great at the set, and then just, it's like talking to a giant five-year-old.

I took a train to the train museum.

It was nice.

Thanks for having us.

I went to the sex museum.

Why don't you say something funny about it?

It made me never want to have sex again.

Why?

Because it was gross.

It was weird.

I did

a 4D thing where the chairs are rocking and it sprayed water in my face.

It was really upsetting.

Was it like a squirt?

Like, what was the reason for the water?

It was like, I don't really understand.

It was like, you go into, like, I think you go into a pussy and it sprays water in your face.

There it is.

That's how it goes.

Should I have opened with that?

No, no, you're doing fine, Colin.

It's all good, by the way.

Okay.

Happy birthday.

Bye.

Okay.

Wow.

All right.

One more ultra-lame thing to say.

Okay.

Super crazy.

All right.

There he goes.

Colin Sledge, everyone.

Oh, Lord.

These slow-moving flies.

These flies are out of control, guys.

We need to make sure this doesn't happen again.

I'm sure there's ways around it.

We have 12 fucking production assistants, all of them just watching flies all day, I'm sure.

Just like, well, that'll be fun.

Maybe it'll add an exciting element to the show.

Joe Rogan's Fly Museum.

Alright.

I mean, what can I say, ladies and gentlemen?

This is one of the wildest bucket pulls.

She just happened a couple weeks ago.

She's back.

She is back.

Make some noise for Juanita, everybody.

Kill Tony, um, do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, mental health?

Make some noise, yeah?

That sucks, I don't.

Just a perfectly normal 37-year-old overweight transgender comedy prodigy.

Killing the game.

I am, you know, a friend of the show and my 400-pound friend, Sally Contreras, she struggles with her mental health and she confided in me one day.

She said,

I'm chucking myself into a psych ward because I'm not feeling well.

And I told her, that is good because you're taking action.

She goes, people keep telling me that, but what I want to do is walk my ass onto oncoming traffic.

I told her, girl, don't you dare say that.

And don't you dare do that.

You're just going to fuck up somebody's car.

400 pounds.

I'm a good friend, though.

I gave her advice.

I said, you should walk in front of a train.

It's more efficient.

Okay, Juanita.

Hell yeah.

How do you feel about that, Juanita?

I feel great.

Hell yeah.

I find it odd that you called out your friend by name on a huge show.

Oh, and then talked about how they were suicidal.

It's kind of crazy to do.

Do you notice that you did that at all?

No, I did.

We've talked about talking about it on the show.

So you kind of like plugged her just then.

Like I was talking about how she wanted to kill herself on the biggest show in the industry.

Do you think about these things?

Have you become a woman that much to where you've become that selfish?

Yeah.

The ladder.

No, no, but we did talk about it.

That was actually a conversation that we had.

So it was planned?

No, it happened a long time ago, but this is the first time I was able to do it as a bit.

Alright, I like how your voice gets deeper,

the deeper into sentences you go.

No, we talked about it, but...

It's really what we wanted to do here.

There's a point where you get tired of having to keep up the act a little bit.

We have to see it.

It's about seven seconds into a sentence.

She just starts talking, get into the way.

Yeah, no, I mean, like, it was really cool because, like, that's what we're into.

You know what I mean?

Come on now.

Say my name three times.

Let's go.

All right.

Want you to remind us, how do you make money?

Oh, we're going to, as a waitress, at a restaurant right now.

Waitress, where are you at?

Tuckies?

All right.

That doesn't even make sense.

That's a gas station.

Instead of Bucky's, Tucky's, anybody?

Fresses.

Tucky cheese.

Tucky cheese, even

red band, tucky cheese.

Tucky dick cheese.

No, I work at a restaurant called Fresses.

Fresses.

Oh, yes.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Juanita, what do you do for fun?

What do we not know about you?

You've been on the show a couple times.

You're very lucky with getting pulled out of the bucket.

It's been crazy.

I actually was like thinking about like,

I didn't ever mention.

My family doesn't know that I'm trans, just my two sisters.

Really?

Who would be most shocked to know that you're trans?

Oh, probably my mom.

Right.

I love it.

When you get serious,

probably my mom.

Is it bad that I'm making fun of you for that?

You're good, right?

You have a great sense of humor, Juanita.

I love it.

Can your family see you?

That's a good question.

No, I like, I have to, like,

dress down.

Like, I was like, wear a hat or something.

Wear like a button down.

Do you answer?

Yeah, go ahead, Dave.

I'm almost to the point where, but honestly, like you're you're you're male to female?

Yes.

No, I don't know I don't.

Quarter T-Rex, maybe.

Who knows?

No.

Wai Juanita?

Oh, that's just a stage name.

Like, your real name is like Juana.

Oh, that's your...

Okay, so what nationality are you?

Pardon?

What nationality?

Oh, I'm Mexican.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I just was curious.

Okay.

There's a lot going on south of her border.

I sure say yeah.

Is it legal?

No, I'm kidding.

I'm sure it's not

Not for long in Texas.

It's amazing that your family doesn't know how often do you see your mom?

What do you mean?

Maybe like once a year, like Christmas.

And what do you do?

You just wan up for that?

Yeah.

Just go straight wan.

Literally.

Put on a baseball cap.

Fucking.

Would your mom want you out of the family?

She might, I don't know.

I assume you started to trans later, but you're Mexican.

So you didn't have a kinsinera?

No, I didn't.

So you're a girl.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I still have a girl.

You're not a woman.

I'm still a woman.

Explain to the 96% of people listening, they don't know what you're doing.

When a Mexican girl turns 15, the community decides that she's now sexually available and they put her

in a very low-cut, busty gown.

And they go to a park and they clog it up for like hours.

I didn't know about this before I came to this country, but...

Did the last comic tell you about that?

No.

I like that you mentioned trains as well, though.

That's great.

Yeah.

Will you have a kinsiniera?

I mean, if you help me throw it, James.

No.

That would be fun.

But I was interested.

I mean, like, would you show up?

Would you make an appearance?

Would you make an appearance?

No, I'm a very...

Would you make an appearance, James?

I would make an appearance.

Where is she?

Tell us, James, when you go to the park.

Do you want to go to the park?

You'll have fallen into the woman, but I was born.

Go to the park and you will find under second base on the third little league field a note.

Read that note and it will tell you what to do next.

If you don't solve the riddle, I'm going to butt fuck you, James.

Sincerely, Juanita.

He's right.

Wow, Juanita.

You ever get bullied in real life life or anything?

Like out on the streets, any of these wild crackheads ever talk shit or flirt with you?

What goes on?

One of them called me a f ⁇ et.

Yeah.

I was like walking by.

He was like, hey, f ⁇ .

I apologize for that.

Apology except.

I know.

I was like, oh, man, can I say the N-word?

It was a block.

Oh, yeah.

He called me a f ⁇ .

Let me tell you, just because someone says you can or it feels like the right time I found out you still can't

you can if he's sucking your dick

Juanita how's the sex life been lately whiskey whole or has it been all moistened up?

No

I'm like I live with like a like this like comic.

He's like a 6'2 jujitsu guy.

Alright, don't say his name or his fucking address or anything, Juanita.

No, but

like I it used to be that I had to like go and hang out at the bar by myself, and then somebody would always like approach me, but now I'm always with him, so I'm going through a dry spell.

Everyone, I think, like, they just

literally, like, have like a meltdown through a sentence.

It's when you say words that aren't feminine, when you're like, it's very dry.

I feel like that's very feminine.

It's kind of no hard.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Juanita, we love you.

You've been on the show many times.

You did it again.

Another minute.

There you go.

Another interview.

Another Juanita.

There they go.

Oh, my God.

Thank God Almighty.

No caulking balls there, boys.

Oh, we have a bug zapper.

And we handed it to the

least likely person to

effectively handle that without knocking over anything or hitting anyone.

So perfect.

How exciting.

Howdy duty.

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All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody.

It's Pat O'Neal, everyone.

Pat O'Neal.

Folks,

been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes.

You ever try putting one of these out on your kid?

Nothing, no reaction.

Generation Soft.

It's a big reason why.

Other day, my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American.

I was like, no shit, his name's Tiger Woods.

Dad's name, Bear Forest.

Gonna watch what you say now, though.

Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word f anymore.

So now I just ignore my little brother

to be on the right side of history.

And you shouldn't call them midgets anymore either.

No.

They prefer the term Mexican women.

Ah, yes, midgets, the original pocket pussies.

Or as pedophiles call them close enough, you know what I mean?

Not saying to me.

Chat O'Neal, you did it, buddy.

Fuck yeah.

Full minute, 15.

Laughs throughout.

I didn't hear the cat.

I'm sorry.

You're good.

You're good.

So nervous, Tony.

I wish I was retarded right now.

I bet there's a lot going on in that head.

You constantly look like you're being electrocuted at all times.

It's unbelievable.

You look like you could charge phones just by touching them.

All right, well, I think we could still be friends after that.

Hell yeah.

I don't know what the fuck that means, but you're doing great, Pat.

You're a funny guy.

You were, I remember you from the Netflix taping here a while back.

How's life changed since being on

I'm an open micer.

Oh, perfect.

Perfect, right?

Bad at networking.

Bad.

And by that.

Bad at networking.

What do you mean by that?

Tell us more.

That I'm unlikable.

Okay.

All right.

That doesn't mean you don't have a chance.

Look at me.

Fair enough.

I would say you're much more likable than me, I would say.

I mean, look at you.

I like you.

Thanks, buddies.

You know what, let's get the fuck out of here, dude.

Remind us, Pat, what do you do for work?

I work for like a mortgage company.

It's not.

I thought you said morgue at first, and I would have believed that.

You have morgue energies.

James McCann.

I've been thinking about the energy.

I think you have the energy of like documentary footage of a comic from the 80s.

Yeah, he looks like a headshot, right?

But like like who goes on to have a huge cocaine problem and do voiceovers in cartoons.

But there's you look like you're from the past.

You have a 1980s young man face.

Am I wrong?

Am I just am I going insane?

No, you're right.

You're spot on.

No, like Dennis Wolfberg, like he died in the 80s.

You're of another time.

I love these references, guys, but let's keep it on Pat here.

Do you know Dennis Wolfberg?

No?

Yeah, nobody would.

I'm 40.

That's perfect.

Okay, Pat.

Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat.

Let's talk about it, buddy.

What do you do with the rest of your life looking what you look like?

I don't know.

I

like steak.

I like candy.

Okay.

I like girls.

I like movies.

You go on dates a lot?

Yeah, I'm straight.

Okay.

When you go on dates,

how do you find people?

Gay people go on dates too, by the way.

I don't know if you know that.

They do.

They just fuck.

All right, okay.

Straight to that.

You're very excited tonight, Pat.

Look at you.

Come on, kill Tony.

You're damn right.

Big steak.

I like girls.

I like candy.

Yeah.

That's the best response I've ever heard.

It's great.

This dude's an alien that studied us in this camera.

I like what everybody likes.

You've watched a lot of old test footage from the earlier part of the 20th century and you're going,

they're like girls.

They're like candy.

They're like big smiles and good times okay guys just fuck all right I can say that

I like you got a pot I like I like everything I'm seeing thank you James where are you from

Massachusetts I live here now okay

okay there's one returning lady from Massachusetts

so Pat when you go on these dates where do you find these uh victims people

like is it a dating app that you're on or something or well I'm single now fingers crossed we're still still early on.

I was talking to that girl backstage.

Heidi?

Heidi Ida.

You could be next.

You could be next.

Fuck.

So, like the last date that you went on, tell us what that was like.

What did you do?

What happened?

Keen Sinera?

I don't know.

I've never understood Kinseneras because it's like the day they become a woman, but they're already pregnant.

Oh, shit.

Pat O'Neal's got it.

Pat O'Neill's got a Kinsiniera joke.

There it is.

So, Pat, this last date that you've avoided the question on nine times successfully, we're back at it.

Last date you were on.

I mean, honest answer.

I just broke up with my lady friend who's

also a very delightful comic.

Perfect.

Why did you break up with her?

I live here.

Oh, she lives somewhere else.

Massachusetts still?

Yes.

Oh, my goodness.

And how did you do it?

Over the the phone?

Well, I didn't do it.

Look at me.

She broke up with you?

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

Okay.

What did she say to you?

Did it come as a surprise to you?

She said, we're not dating.

I don't know.

Sort of a blur.

Did she just.

She did break into her house?

No, it's a long-distance relationship or else he would have.

So

she kind of broke your heart when this happened?

Nah, Nah, nah.

How recently did this happen?

No, nah.

Just starts crying.

Nah, see?

Nah, nah, never.

You can't break a heart which doesn't exist.

I ate candy and steak and filled that pot of my soul because that's what I do because I'm a real human being.

Come here, let me charge your phone for you.

Let's talk about it, Pat.

You hear that gentle piano music.

You know what that means.

Toast three weeks ago okay pat all right

you're such a funny looking guy

it's incredible everything about you is so comedic

it was three oh spotlights gone

you ever do funny stuff at the mortgage place No, no, I was lucky to keep it after Netflix, so they're good people and they will.

When you go on dates or you work, do you like comb your hair different or anything like that?

That's actually a great question, Red Band.

I put the Rurgan on way too close to a sun hat this afternoon, so it's worse than normal.

The question was: when you go on a date, I don't know what it looks like right now, but yes, I tried it.

I tried it.

It's pretty wild right now.

I don't know if you've ever seen the portrait of Mao Zedong, but it looks like

looks like your forehead has a thong on right now.

Red Band.

Wow, it is incredible.

Do people just like laugh at you sometimes when they see you?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I'm having my looks insulted by Red Band right now, so we're alone.

If that isn't

all you need to know about the shit I get.

Wow.

You're a funny guy, Pat.

Red Band, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

You already have a big joke book, right?

There he goes.

Pat and Neil, everybody.

Hell yeah.

Wacky-looking guy.

All right, we're going to keep this fun train moving along.

Your third bucket pull goes by the name of Olivia Coughlin, everybody.

Olivia Coughlin.

Jill Biden is a historic figure.

She was a first lady and a fake doctor.

And during the Biden administration, she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America.

The Biden administration was kind of like America's next top model, but for female presidents with different random women all taking turns trying out his power.

It was a shit show, and Jill won.

So speaking of America, I came home the other day and I found my cleaner eating my salad.

She was in the kitchen hunched over eating out of the takeout box and I walked in and then she like freaked out when she saw me and like ran to put it away and was like, ah, Media!

And

oh, I forgot.

I forgot my bit.

I forgot the rest of it.

Sorry.

She was like, oh, Leah.

Oh, and I didn't realize, I didn't know what was going on at first because I didn't realize it was my salad she was eating.

I thought she was just eating her own food.

So.

okay, that's all.

Wow.

Olivia Coughlin.

Welcome, welcome.

Is that your first time trying stand-up?

Yep, first time.

Holy shit.

Yeah, I could tell.

Congratulations.

It's amazing.

What made you pick this show to start on?

I find it so intriguing when people are like, yeah, I'll just fucking go out there and show everybody what's up right from the get before learning, you know, mic technique or not being able to remember an entire 60 seconds or

calling your housekeeper or made a cleaner yes cleaner somehow that's the most racist thing i think anybody's ever done in the history of the show you just call them a cleaner i thought people would know more if i said cleaner rather than house cleaner i don't know why because housekeeper

i didn't even say that a housekeeper the keeper of a house well i call her my cleaner oh my god what ethnicity are you um i'm white yeah but what kind of white i'm mostly Irish.

I know I don't look like it, but yeah.

Right.

You should have just said Mexican and saved yourself.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

No doubt about it.

Like it, as just a tip moving forward, it can sometimes be hard for people to like you on stage when you boast about having a cleaner.

Like we would all love to have cleaner money.

It's true.

But I just, I heard that and I thought, fuck, I wish I was able to afford a salad and a woman to help me.

I

say eat Taco Bell after Taco Bell alone in filth.

Maybe you got some jokes about your private jet to share with us all as well.

I mean, you don't even pay her enough that she can afford to eat her own fucking salad.

It was an awkward moment for sure.

She's like our lifetime, like, lifelong cleaner, and so I felt

like a lifelong cleaner.

Just call her a slave, dude.

Call her a slave.

Call her a slave.

Call her a slave.

What ethnicity is she?

Oh, yeah.

The horn players know what ethnicity she is.

How do you have a cleaner?

What have you been doing with your life?

This was back at my parents' house, so this was a while ago.

Are your parents rich?

They're doing okay.

What did your dad do for a living?

My dad's a pilot.

My mom's a travel agent.

Okay.

All right, that's cute.

And how about you?

What do you do for for work?

I just got a job at a tennis place.

Tennis place?

Tennis.

So what exactly are you doing at a tennis place?

Tennis thing.

I clean.

No, I'm just kidding.

Oh.

Hey, there's a glimpse of funny in there.

Look at that.

Look at that.

She accidentally was funny there.

I like that.

It's the big moment right there.

What the fuck are you doing at a tennis place?

Stringing rackets and helping people.

You play tennis your whole life or something?

You just got into the tennis business.

I just thought I could walk in and just do it and nothing would go wrong and everything would be great.

That's fucking crazy.

And it worked out.

It worked out.

It was okay.

So you just basically would have done any job at all and you ended up in tennis?

Kind of.

What did you do before that?

I was trying to be a screenwriter.

It was difficult.

Wow.

Yeah, it's very difficult.

But yeah, I forgot on my word skin.

Oh my god.

So yeah, I guess that didn't work out.

Okay.

Olivia, do people tell you that you're funny a lot?

Yeah.

What's like the funniest thing you've ever done in your life, you think?

It's something that happened in which you're like, wow, I think I belong on a comedy stage.

I don't know.

It's more I say funny things when I can remember them and then I don't really do funny things.

Yeah.

Did you ever yell at a housekeeper?

No, I was very nice to her.

I pretended like nothing I never saw and I was just like, hey, what's up?

And then we just kept going on and yeah.

You put fentanyl in her salad?

No, I was going to say that I, whatever, I forgot my joke, but

I'll do it next time

no no no no no no no you don't even know what the fuck a salad is shut up you don't know what the fuck

you just know the dressings

all right

do you have any like special skills or talents have you ever done anything in front of a group of people before not not really

Not what?

Not really in front of a crowd, no?

Not really.

Like nothing ever before?

Nothing like on stage, no.

How about not on stage?

What did you do?

Like Like what do you mean have I ever done anything or what do you know fucking anything?

Anything at all about you other than the fact that you do string tennis rackets?

I smoke a lot of weed.

There we go.

That's a way to get the

people on your side.

Yeah.

I chill at home with my roommates.

How many roommates do you have?

Two.

Why?

Just because I thought that it would be better to live with some people rather than by myself okay alone no man in your life right no man so why is that i'm very picky oh okay

i sound like an asshole but i'm not

that's great that's great let's talk about it when you say you're picky what are things that guys have had or wrong with them in the past that you didn't like

um maybe like

not like manly enough.

Can you give us an example of a time that a man wasn't manly enough?

Maybe he did something.

That wasn't manly enough.

Well, I can't think of it.

This is from your life.

You can think about anything that's happened here.

Now I'm just thinking about the tennis place.

Maybe I can't think of anything.

Well, tennis is pretty feminine.

Anyone that plays tennis is not really my type.

So like.

James McCann, what are you thinking over here?

I think Raphael Nadal is sufficiently masculine.

I mean, who of the...

There are a lot of men on stage.

Where is the midpoint?

Where is the least manly but acceptably manly man?

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, am I manly enough for you?

My voice.

Wow.

Yes.

Whoa.

Is Tony manly enough?

I think so.

Okay, the bar's pretty low.

So you've broken up with guys in the past because they weren't manly enough, though.

Yeah.

But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough about them.

I can't think of a specific example, no.

They said, go out there and punch the cleaner in the throat right now.

No, you wouldn't have said that.

Who's the cleaner?

Sexually weak?

What?

Like they couldn't fuck good?

I'm sorry.

Well, that's.

That is a turnoff for sure.

What's a turnoff?

Sexually weak.

Coming too quickly.

Has that ever happened with you?

Yeah.

Okay, so can you give an example of that?

Where a man was too sexually weak.

This is where you would reference during an interview a part of your life.

You'd like to have your pussy eaten good.

Here you go, Olivia.

Here's a little joke book.

You did it.

You had your first time on the show.

She started here, as you could tell.

That Jill Miden material.

Struggling for 45 seconds.

Ended it with a cleaner.

Something about a salad, we'll never really know.

Wow, imagine that

the roommates are gonna have to watch that set.

All right, you're you guys still having fun out there?

Mix noise for your next bucket pole, everybody.

It's Mario Z.

So I'm 45 years old, and on top of looking like Ian Financial Ruin,

the thing that sucks the most for me is all the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined.

You know what I loved?

Bill Cosby.

And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but like I grew up with Bill Cosby.

Watch all of his shows, Kids Say the Darndest Things, Fat Albert, The Cosby Show.

And all of these shows had lessons that taught you how to be a good person, ironically, from Bill Cosby, you know, but like he was my hero, right?

So, the allegations came out, I couldn't believe it.

I was like, that's America's dad.

And the evidence came out, and I was like, fucking Bill.

But even though I couldn't defend him, there were people who said dumb shit, like, well, it happened so long ago.

What does it even matter?

And fuck those people, all right?

Bill Cosby is going to be remembered for all the bad shit that he did because he wasn't on the Lakers.

Kobe!

Hey, maybe if Bill had a fist full of rings instead of a fist full of qualus, maybe we can overlook a couple of things, you know?

Bill heard the dudes and was dying to get on a helicopter, y'all.

Thank you.

All right, Mario Z.

You've been on this show before, Mario.

I have.

Right.

Good to see you again.

Remind me.

Remind us.

How long have you been on stand-up?

What do you do for stand-up 12 years for work?

I'm big porn.

Okay, what kind of porn do you make?

Giantess porn with my wife.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She was on in December.

You have a big giantess porn, like 50-foot-woman shit.

You guys don't like big titties?

Okay, what is it again?

Giantess porn.

So, like, 50-foot-woman stuff.

Is she really big?

My wife is taller than me.

Okay.

I did it.

But what what makes it a giantess porn explain that to okay again to everyone else in the world got it okay other than redpant pig ass

a love giant is porn boy

this guy's a fucking tarantino fucking giant you don't even know dude this fucking guy i'm gonna have to prize so many questions for him dude Yeah, excited Redpand is.

I think my childlike wonder over here.

I think my ex actually, he made a movie with my ex.

Okay.

All right, Juanita.

Let's fucking shout out four people.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah, yeah.

So I do video editing.

And so the pandemic happened.

We moved to Philly and I got a job and we were fucking broke.

I lost the job because it was a shitty job.

And we were trying to figure out shit to do.

And we threw out a video and somebody's like, hey, can you make me this custom?

And we're like, well, these are the things we won't do.

And they're like, done.

List of things that you wouldn't do.

List nudity, no nudity.

So, and that's basically it.

Wait.

God damn it.

I'm the one wondering if I'm if I'm kind of loopy this episode or if the answers that I'm getting are so retarded.

One of the things you wouldn't do in a porn is nudity.

Okay, that's what I was thinking, too.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

So, fetish porn isn't necessarily about sex.

Yes, it is.

I don't know what your cakes are, man.

I like sex.

Me too.

So, the video is just what, like, the camera on the floor and the woman looking big?

I do video editing.

So we do, like, green screen stuff.

We put her, like, at a cities.

She stomps around and like breaks shit.

Okay, Red Bam, please.

For the love of her.

Is that what it is?

What the guy fucking.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, don't paint her Hot Wheels cars on a fat woman?

I feel like you know more than I do.

So it's basically green screen make-believe giant girl.

Yeah, yeah.

It's more like the story of what.

What's the most sexual thing that she does in this porn she wears a bikini

But you call it porn okay, so a lot of it is like who buys it well people okay say his name creepy short guys

a lot of people buy it actually yeah well maybe I don't know

but it's more about like the

like the domination of it like the action so it's like not necessarily the sexuality the woman but like her presence in a scene

it's fetish porn

I don't think I've ever...

Don't you miss the good old days when Flayboy would just show you a smiling blonde woman's nipples?

Wasn't America whole back then?

Yes.

Before all of this degenerate big woman with clothes on stuff?

Remember a

vagina with hair on it.

You're very old.

And this is how both of you make your money is by doing this?

We don't do that anymore.

She's She's a behavioral therapist and

So how do you make money?

We make passive income on the porn so like stuff that we made like five years ago is still so getting fucking residuals on your giantess porn

not like what's that clips for sale clips for sale we have our own personal site we also do like other stuff like only fans and stuff like that we do like picture sets and shit like that jesus christ man.

All right.

Anything else?

Hounds are tough during COVID.

You know, it's over, right?

Well, that's why we stopped doing it, but we're still making the money on it.

Okay.

Can anyone do this?

I mean, sure, yeah.

Anybody can do anything, right?

Well, I mean, it sounds like the most doable porn ever.

It really is.

That's what I'm saying.

That's why, like, we were able to do it.

If I was like, hey, can I bang you in front of a camera?

She'd be like, fuck you, you know?

Like, I'll do a lot of porn if I don't got to get naked.

Technically, I think we're doing porn right now, is what we're finding out.

Somebody's going to jack off to these, I promise.

100%.

We're doing some giantist shit.

Yeah.

No doubt about it.

We're the giantest comedy show in the world.

The world, right?

All right.

You already have a little joke book?

No, I have a big one.

There you go.

You're getting a little one this time.

There was a lot of clunk around that.

The Blakers part was funny.

Long setup.

Ineffective tags.

Let's Let's change the mood in here a little bit, everybody.

We have one of our most famous regulars of all time here to do a minute.

Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words.

This is Hans Kemp.

Hey, what's up?

It's good to be here.

I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month.

Because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming.

A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker.

I have a Ted Cruz weather app.

And when everybody's in Cancun, you know how to layer up.

Yeah, I have a Jewish girlfriend I found out, so that helps with the weather thing.

Yeah, my girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're gonna have Asian Jewish babies.

It's just gonna be lines of computer code that reset your credit score.

But yeah, just a different time when I was a kid, trans fats were bad.

There you guys.

Wow!

Cortoni's own Hans Kim.

Absolutely crushing.

Multiple punchlines scattered throughout a minute.

Honest, pure, from your perspective.

All stuff true to you.

And there he is.

This is the man who's notoriously the greatest interviewee in the history of the show.

He cannot tell a lie.

He constantly overshares.

And the interview begins now.

Welcome back, Hans.

Thank you, Tony.

How do you feel?

I feel great.

I'm ready to tell you about my sex life.

Go right ahead if that's what you want to do.

I mean I wasn't even going to ask about that, but if that's what you want to talk about, you can go right ahead.

Well, I mean, I think I covered all of it.

Have you ever seen giantess porn before?

You have.

Yes.

You're the kind of guy that would be into that.

Yeah, I was kind of

intrigued.

So you've seen it before.

What happened in the giantess porn that you've seen?

Can you describe it for us?

Ha ha ha.

Well, it's Amazon Amanda.

Some of you might know her.

You know Amazon Amanda?

Really?

Let me see.

You can look her up.

Amazon Amanda.

Yeah, she just dangles a woman and tickles her feet.

Which part are you into?

Just the tickling, the whole tickling thing.

You love tickling, huh?

Yeah.

Tickling, not tickling, I don't like to be tickled.

You don't?

No, I hate it.

How bad do you hate it?

It's like

a nightmare, like a sexual nightmare.

Well, you never should have let me know.

Yeah, I mean.

James, are you in the mood to tickle him a little bit?

How many of you think we should let James tickle Hans?

Is that her?

Oh my god, Amazon Amanda is huge.

No, here's what you do.

You get behind him.

Hans, you face the crowd.

He's looking at it.

You can't see it happening.

It's different when you see it.

See the ghost tickle.

Don't turn around, Hans.

You're not allowed to turn around.

I could tickle him.

No, that's poking.

He's doing some kind of wacky Australian-Irish poking.

I'll get you when

we tickle in the other hemisphere.

Ew, he just poked.

That's not a good idea.

I thought I was gonna go in there.

You gotta hit those riplets, dude.

The armpits don't really work.

This is fun.

Now I get why it's porn.

Yeah.

You can find that clip on clips for sale.

Amazing.

Amazon Amanda is humongous, by the way.

Yeah, it's like a power thing.

It's crazy.

Wow.

And you're into that.

Yeah.

That's gross.

Dave Land actually.

Oh, God, what?

Did you get your watch back?

No.

No, he didn't get the watch.

Oh, that sucks.

I feel bad about that.

It's okay, it's not your fault.

Was she bigger?

Uh no, she was uh petite.

Here, give me a hand.

I won't.

Is that this water?

See this, Hans?

Yes, Toddy.

This is a new feature on the show.

You know what we do with this?

It's the super tickler.

Touch you with this.

You're going to feel a...

All right.

Hans, what else is going on in your life?

You commit any crimes lately?

You get pulled over by the police.

I did.

You did?

In Mississippi, a black police officer pulled me over.

Oh, my God.

I know where that lies in MLK's dream.

Wow.

Nice sheet.

She obviously pulled you over not for the color of your skin but for the quality of your driving.

Tell us how this went down when you got pulled over.

I was going 78 in a 70 or something like that and you know it was just like a speed trap and

tell that bitch I need my racket restrung

78 and a 70.

Yeah.

It might have been 84.

But yeah, it was just a quick, you know, it's it's like, that's, it's like very efficient.

He just, you know, wrote it, you know, sent me on my way.

Great having black cops, you know, they know what it's like.

Well, here he is.

We have the official state trooper of Mississippi, famously one of the worst state highway patrolmen in all of Mississippi.

I swear to God, when I find you, you're going to be in real trouble, motherfucker.

I felt that breeze.

That's at least 82, 83 miles an hour.

Hansie boy Cam.

Having fun in Missy Hutton.

The shows have been good.

Everything's good.

Yeah, he went to San Antonio with Timmy No Breaks.

Ooh, the new, newest superstar, another non-handicapped golden ticket winner.

Yeah, San Antonio was made for Timmy No Breaks.

Tell us what you mean when you say that.

It's just like, you know, just fucking rowdy people, just fucking drinking and just fucking yelling at Timmy.

It's it's kind of aggressive.

But no, it was great.

He murdered.

It was amazing.

I was in other cities, you know, I had to go through Mississippi, so, you know, it's kind of, you know, ups and downs.

But yeah, I got a lot of guys coming up to me telling me about guns and like guys that can kill me now, like just tell me that they can do that.

You know, it's

not very tactical to tell everyone you have a gun.

So

we're kind of at a disadvantage here.

But yeah, I'm kind of just chilling.

I have my guns.

Was it mainly white people in Mississippi showing you their guns?

Yeah.

I don't think black people are into like the, you know, the round millimeter shit.

They're just like, you know, using it.

How about nerdy stuff, Hans?

How's your nerd life been going?

What have you been doing in that department?

Any new hobbies in your...

I got back into StarCraft 2.

I'm a Diamond League 2v2 player.

Wow, incredible.

Are you good at Rubik's Cube?

I'm very bad.

I could do the first two rows, but not the bottom row.

All right, perfect.

Guess we won't be using that tonight.

All right, Hans, fun times.

Thank you so much.

The legend, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaac Kane Brown.

We're going to meet them all together now.

Isaac Kane Brown.

My girlfriend's a type 1 diabetic

and a type 2 fucking bitch all the time.

I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service.

service.

For real, guys, they're warriors.

I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you

for absolutely no reason?

Fuck the troops, dude.

Fun fact, I don't know if you guys know this.

Hennessy is made from grapes.

That's fucked up.

That's like like light beer being made from ranch.

You know exactly who's drinking it.

Autocorrect can be confusing.

For three months, I thought my dad was scared of ninjas.

Which looking back doesn't make sense.

Why would ninjas have pit bulls?

Damn it, just a little too long.

Here, to say it again, why doesn't it make sense?

Why would ninjas have pit bulls?

Wow.

There you go.

There it is.

Isaac Kane Brown.

Is this your first time on the show?

Nah.

Okay.

Third.

Third time.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Three years now.

What do you do for work?

Nothing.

How are you able to survive without working?

VA disability.

Really?

You're a veteran?

Yeah.

What branch?

Marine Corps.

Okay.

What did you do in the Marine Corps?

I was an infantryman.

Nothing too much.

You ever battle?

You ever go to battle?

The only thing I battled was gay thoughts, and that was a battle.

Wow.

In that case, I deserve the Medal of Honor.

But the VA gives you enough money to totally survive and live a normal life.

I make it work.

Can you give us an example of how you

use your budget to your advantage?

Ramen noodles, Chef Boy RD.

And then I sell Yu-Gi-Oh!

cards.

Ah, there it is.

The truth is out.

I remember you now.

Red band going, you don't know Yu-Gi-Oh!

You don't fucking know Yu-Gi-Oh!

Yu-Ki-Oh and giant as porn.

It's a whole evening.

What's your love life like, Isaac?

You seem like a good-looking guy.

You seem like you'd be the third Franco brother or something like that.

It's going good.

I have a girlfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does she do comedy too?

No, she's a dog groomer.

Ooh, a dog groomer.

All right.

I love it when she calls me a good boy.

Everybody's into some wild shit.

Amazing.

Fun.

What do you guys think about Isaac Kane Brown?

I'm asking the panel, not you guys.

Anything there, James?

Do you ever dibbity bomb a di-dibby-dob?

Well, you you attacked the armed forces, but you were obviously in your set you were being being negative about military servicemen.

No?

What did he say?

You said something nasty about the army.

Is that true?

You said, fuck the troops.

Yeah.

But you were the troops.

Yeah.

Did you not get along with the troops?

No, they suck.

What do you mean when you say that, that they suck?

Well, most people in the military are 18 to 22.

The only reason you join is because you got C's in high school.

Is that why you joined?

Yeah.

How old are you now, Isaac Kane Brown?

I'm 28.

28.

And did you suffer a specific injury?

I got ejectocetoed out of a vehicle.

You what?

Vehicle hit a trench, and I flew the fuck out the top of it.

If there was any country you could wipe off the earth, which one would it be?

Great question.

Just one.

Yeah, you've Israel.

Oh,

all right.

Okay, and we're back, everybody.

Take a little commercial break there.

That hair and nose, you're going to pick Israel?

Look, he already hates himself with the troops thing.

One of the flies flew into the hard drive there, so if the video came out a little jittery, it's all wacky.

Beep boop, beep, boop, beep, boop.

It's all fixed now, and we're back.

Oh, there he is.

When you hear the sound of a jungle bird,

you know.

No way that's going on Netflix.

It's true.

Maybe on Al Jazeera, but not.

All right, Isaac Cain Brown.

You're not Jewish yourself?

No.

No, you just look like that.

Yeah.

Okay.

I love it.

What do you think about CEOs of healthcare companies?

You do have a look.

And we got to teach him a lesson.

All right, Isaac, you already have a big joke book?

There he goes.

Isaac Payne Brown, everyone.

The lovely Heidi, everybody.

HeidiRegina.com is their new website.

What a smoke show.

I'll tell you, if I was into women,

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All right, this looks like a new name, everybody.

Make some noise for Augie Lee.

Augie Lee.

Here we go.

Hey,

so uh,

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me.

I got home from work and walked into our house because

we live together.

And I saw her making love with a man in my living room.

So I bolted up and I said,

What's your big idea?

No, I mean really, what's the big idea?

I mean, what the fuck?

No, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Anyway, speaking of black guys.

Alright.

I mean, what the fuck?

No, my cousin's dating a black guy, and she's having a baby soon.

And yeah, okay, that's it.

No, no, no.

You go.

You go.

And I'm like, what's that baby gonna be like, you know?

Like,

hey, y'all, where do my babies at?

Where?

Can I get a chocolate new port?

Can you?

I need some studio time

keep going just do

all the material that you have I'm very interested by you.

Do you have more jokes?

No, okay, perfect.

All right, that's good.

That's good.

Augie Lee.

I wanted to see if all your jokes halfway through you just turn into like a yeah

Seems like you have a little thing there.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like a really really really lazy Casey rocket.

I like it.

Not a lot of movement, but a shit ton of charisma and very compelling material.

Thank you.

You have a little bit of your own style.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About like seven months.

Okay.

All of it here in Austin?

Yeah, well, started in Seattle.

I'm from Seattle.

And you just moved here?

Yeah.

Nice.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

All right.

How do you, yeah, James?

I just wondered what else you'd been doing since LMFAO broke up.

Yeah.

I like the hair.

The hair is cool.

No, no, Vicks.

Yeah, I I know, I know.

I'm like shimmy chonga libre.

I don't know.

Not a libre.

Never mind.

Forget about it.

Perfect.

Are you Mexican?

Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, Hispanic, something like that.

Yeah, perfect.

What do you do for work, Augie Lee?

I work at a thrift store.

Do you?

I do, actually.

You mean steel carburetors?

No, but I do work with some Mexicans.

You see some crazy stuff working at a thrift store?

People trying to make deals.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Tell us about it.

I got like guys coming in and like someone will drop something off and the

thing is it's required to bring it inside and we tag it, price it, whatever.

And I'll get people being like, hey,

slippy a 20, you know?

And I'm like, I don't.

I don't know.

But, you know, we get like, I got like Seinfeld collections and like.

Like VHS?

Yeah, like cool.

Yeah, just cool, like, vintage shit, I guess.

Wow.

Gucci.

Gucci sunglasses.

They pay you for bringing stuff to a thrift store?

No, no.

Other people, I get paid to bring it in while other people donate.

I'm sorry, I had a very exciting moment where I thought I could get rid of all my shit.

But you said they're coming in and they're complaining.

They're like, this should be 20.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

But they're not getting any money for it.

They just want the dignity of the product to get a high price.

Yeah.

That's weird.

It is weird.

It is weird.

It's like, come on, we're doing it like a third of the price, anyways, or whatever.

Aggie, do you do drugs?

I don't know.

Tony, does it work?

It's like, I do drugs.

You know what?

Yeah, it does.

A little bit.

What kind of drugs do you do?

I like acid a lot.

Okay.

When's the last time you did acid?

Um.

Hmm.

What time today?

Actually,

I did it like a couple weeks ago, and while I was on acid,

we were just chilling on the couch, and we were trying to write something, but we saw a rat run across into my bathroom.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, is this real?

Yeah.

And they, uh, yeah, the rat, like, it was the whole thing on rat on acid, and my friends were just fucking with me the whole night.

That was the last time I took acid, by the way.

That was it.

I mean, I've.

A few weeks ago.

Yeah, a few weeks ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Awesome.

How about drinking?

You do a lot of drinking?

Like a Jack and Coke guy.

How about bath salts?

Sorry, Adam.

Did you drink today?

What if I just fucking eat his face off?

Kill tonnage.

You're a wild boy, Auggie.

Did you drink today, Augie?

Oh, yeah.

I had one drink.

My friend Matt was like, you're getting one drink only.

You don't, don't, you know, just gonna fuck with you.

And I kind of, yeah, I was like, okay.

And then...

Now I'm here.

It happened.

Yeah.

You scared?

How do you feel?

A little bit.

I've been watching you guys since I was like 13 years old.

Wow.

How old are you now?

I'm 24.

Amazing.

Okay.

So with that said, you've been watching that long.

You're in the interview part right now.

What would you want you to do in this part of the show?

You've been watching for a long time.

Wow.

This is it.

Like anything.

I know.

I know, right?

You good at anything?

You have any special skills or talents?

You know how to Yodel or anything like that?

Yodel, Yodale, Yodale.

No, I can't.

I can't.

No, but

I don't always try.

I'll try anything once.

I like karaoke.

I love karaoke.

I bet you do.

I make music and stuff too, but I will sing anything.

No.

But no, yeah, no, don't let, yeah, no, don't let me do that.

Anything crazy about your family or your life history?

Any near-death experiences?

You ever save anybody's life?

You ever do anything good?

I've saved anyone's life.

You ever done an act of service?

Oh, boy.

That's a good question.

I don't think I have ever done anything good.

Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever done?

You ever commit a crime or anything like that?

Um,

we.

Have you ever had any

brain injuries or

concussions?

We...

No, I don't know.

Yeah, no, I don't know if I've done anything bad or good, Tony.

This is a hard question.

I'm trying to think of like.

When you say we, do you mean you?

He likes you.

No, he doesn't.

Yes.

Yeah, no, I meant my.

I meant you too, right?

No, yeah.

All right, Auggie.

You're a silly boy.

Thank you.

But you know what?

I'm going to give you a big joke book, Augie.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

I liked your set.

I appreciate you.

Got a little

tightened up during the interview, but there you go.

Zoggy Leo.

Thank you.

I like silly shit, like when it goes silly.

Yeah, he's pretty silly.

He's a silly guy.

Let's keep it moving along.

You guys still having fun out there?

How many of you like going comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like going comedians do bad on this show?

Oh, you must be having a blast tonight.

Mix most for your next bucket pool.

It's John Bechdel.

John Bechtel.

Well ladies and gentlemen, you're in a four-treat.

So let's see how it goes.

Austin, Texas, how's it going?

RFK, it's on fucking sight.

Without these food dies, how am I going to know which M ⁇ M I want to fuck now?

Jokes on you.

It's the yellow one.

I love that big dumb slut.

Hey, y'all, give it up, Mother Chip.

I know this is a crowd of true, blue, red, 40-blooded Americans.

Am I goddamn right?

No, these music biopics, they're crazy.

They're making like a Bruce Spring scene one.

What, in 20 years, the clone of Timothy Chalamay is going to star in a one-direction movie that gets nominated for an Academy Award, where we learn what direction that band was about.

Down.

We'll get a story about XXX Tintashion's older brother, XI, XI, XI11chion.

The story of

Little Uzi Birth's dad, big Gatling gun horizontal.

All of his friends are alive.

How Rob Thompson Matchbox 20 is just like, yeah, hindsight's Matchbox 2020.

I know Joe Anchie loves fabrics.

I wouldn't trust a single Jason with Deli.

Hell yeah, y'all.

John Bechtel, you're a wild boy.

Look at you.

Again, this is like the third guy tonight that just looks like a pure fucking comedian.

I mean, you look like you've been exclusively only eating plastics your entire life.

I can't even buy macro plastics.

Yeah, you look like you pour the water out of the plastic bottle and just exclude, just start chewing on it.

Just straight plastic bottly.

Garden flavors, like, that's an upgrade.

It is incredible.

You are something else.

I mean, look at you.

You are a wild boy.

Thank you very much.

Good, good, good.

Fantastic.

How How long have you been a full-grown garden gnome?

Ever since I made that wish three full moons ago.

How long have you been exclusively only eating beef jerky?

You just seem dry.

I've never been able to afford that shit.

I'm cat poor.

Okay, tell us about your budget.

Tell us how you, what do you eat?

So, luckily, I work at a restaurant that gives us free food.

I think that that's great.

I think that legally that should be the case.

Yeah.

Because, god damn it, I can't afford anything on these motherfuckers.

My god, incredible.

So what's your living situation?

You live alone?

I've got some roommates.

Okay.

Tell us about the situation.

How many roommates?

Two roommates.

They're married.

Josh and Maria Macaulay.

They're absolute saints.

Everybody's just shouting people out tonight.

This is a ticking time bomb.

No, they're absolute saints.

I wouldn't have a living situation.

You got a what?

I wouldn't have a living situation if I wasn't doing comedy and met cool people.

Yes, absolutely.

So where did you meet them at?

Open mic at tiniest bar in Texas.

Okay.

Yeah.

I thought you were going to say AA there for a second.

Are you sober?

We went over this last time.

I'm two years sober eventually.

Okay, but not yet.

Not yet.

Did the line work better the last time you did it?

Kind of did, actually.

Okay, so John, you're working at a restaurant.

You got roommates.

You guys share one bathroom?

Two.

Oh, God.

That is the biggest upgrade in my quality of life I've ever had.

Having my own goddamn bathroom.

My old roommate, Jake.

Oh, this dipshit.

My old roommate, Jake Anderson.

Okay, stop calling people out by their full names, John.

Would take a

look for four hours.

Like, this grendel-ass motherfucker just sitting in there.

Like, he would just sit there and be like, dude, like, you could just, like,

you know, knock.

And I'm like, you've been in here for five hours, motherfucker.

Do you ever take a shit while he's sitting there in the bathtub?

He kept the curtain closed, so I took a piss in protest once.

Wow.

Look at you.

You look crazy, John.

What do you drink exactly?

Vocal and kettle.

No, uh, vodka teneta.

Sure, yes.

We're totally comparable, John.

What's your drink?

Vocatana.

How many of those do you drink a day?

I've had two today.

Really?

Yeah.

Only two?

Only two.

Now,

they do serve pictures next door at Shakespeare's.

Did you have one of the pictures?

I tried to, and then y'all called me.

Okay.

You know what we're going to do?

Let's do a breathalyzer test on this guy.

We have a new breathalyzer that we've never tried out before.

This is a brand new test in the history of Kill Tony.

We've never done this before.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everyone.

You know how to do this thing, Heidi?

Okay, it's on.

I'm a professional taking Breathweiser tests.

All right.

Fucking blow you creep.

The thing reads disgusting.

It just says halitosis.

What does it say, Heidi?

0.0.

Yeah, you got a squishing lines.

Blow you fly.

Jesus Christ almighty.

All right.

There you go.

I think that's

genuinely crazy.

Slightly over the legal limit.

Right?

Or no, it's under.

No, it's way under.

Way under.

Way under.

You look trashed.

I look like trash to me.

What's your love life like, John?

Is there any one that's into that?

We found out tonight people have a lot of crazy fetishes.

Oh, God.

Well, mine's about, like, not having a fetish.

So I had an old fuck buddy of mine.

She told me not to tell the story.

Great.

Please do not say her full name.

So her name is Michelle Obama.

No, no,

so

she just recently became a jugalette.

And we're hooking up and she's like, John, I think this is going to be a deal breaker.

And it's like, we've been fucking for like eight years.

So what's going to be a deal breaker?

Well, her playlist, she's just become a juggalette.

There's nothing else?

It's all brand new.

Like music tours.

So there's like four songs.

Did you go to the gathering?

Not yet.

Didn't get invited.

All right.

She started stalking the fridge of Faygo, you know.

So why would it not work out if she's into different music?

Well, she wants me to be into it.

This is what she started listening to.

Right.

There's about four songs in the playlist.

What does she have?

That on repeat during sex.

But she's got that insane clown pussy ness.

So you're out there as cheap.

As cheap and wrong.

You should fix your situation.

This long-term fuck buddy thing is a real mistake.

Oh, yeah, no, no.

I'm about the situation.

The insane clown posse is now in the situation.

Well, at least they didn't come out here with a blood test.

John, before you go, tell us the much worse thing about your entire life that we don't know about you right now.

I fell into the sewer last year.

I'm trying to find a good lawyer to help me sue the city of Austin to help with that.

Okay, so please tell us exactly what happened.

I think we're finding out exactly why you look the way you look.

It took seven and a half minutes for us to get there.

The old pot calling the kettle black.

Old nuclear fucking wiener dog over here.

So this is the story of how I went home.

I'm walking down the street.

I'm going down South First and Barton Springs by that Whataburger.

What a lovely day.

I turn to the left.

I fucking fall about eight feet into a fucking sewer.

Oh, wow.

The fucking guy

working on it, didn't put a sign.

He's just like smoking a joint on the side and being like, oh, shoot, what's going on over here?

And I'm like, help me.

Please.

Oh, my.

You can definitely sue for that.

Dude, I've got like 90 stories like that.

You're going to die.

Probably, yeah.

No, seriously, you have everything.

Yeah.

You might be the strongest person alive immune-wise, though.

That's what I'm saying.

You're like the toxic adventure without the hero part and strength.

Yeah,

and also unemployable.

Right.

Yeah.

You've got 90 stories similar to falling down in open sewers?

Can you tell us one more?

Do you have one more that you can think of?

When I was a kid, I was attacked by a pelican on a school trip.

Oh my god.

You don't, you can't believe

how hard it was to convince that teacher I didn't have my homework anymore.

Where were you visiting?

Fucking SeaWorld, so the teachers didn't have to work.

Oh my god.

How hard did it attack you?

I mean, like, I'm no longer friends with those goddamn dirty birds.

You were friends with the pelicans before.

Oh, they're pretty neat.

You know, I like the...

Who's the one?

Like the fucking...

It's the tuna guy?

Like, um...

The fish

restaurant.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Sunkins?

Charlie.

Charlie the Tuna.

No, no.

Mr.

Tuna.

Yeah, Mr.

Tuna.

Mr.

Tuna.

Classic Harris.

But they're at like 90 of these stories?

Yeah, man.

Okay.

Yeah.

You could be here all night.

No, I mean, just rattle them.

I'd like to hear one more.

Story number 88.

Number 88 is.

Fell into a sewer was 90.

Attacked by pelicans at SeaWorld.

At SeaWorld.

Number 88.

All right.

One time I got the district manager of my job fired because he owed me $270

and he could not stop me from calling HR every single day.

So how did you get him fired?

Well,

you know, this guy would hire like 16-year-olds.

You know, just that was kind of his most operational.

Where was this job?

What was this job?

Potbelly on Guadalupe.

Calls everything out by name.

Filed Kevin Snowden.

Old

Blackmail Bechtel.

The doxer John Bechtel is here

Samantha Appleby you bitch

Hey buddy's not too hot

You're a wild boy John you already have a big joke book.

I do not here you go.

There it is John Bechtel everyone

Talking about how he wants to fuck MMs and honestly I believe him

I believe him

Whoa.

Whoa.

91?

Yeah, there it is.

Story number 91.

I was once walking off Kiltoni, and I almost died tripping on a court.

I need a lawyer, if anybody has one.

I did have a lawyer before, but he screwed me.

His name...

What the fuck is it?

Fucking Henry.

Thomas J.

Henry.

Thomas J.

Henry.

Alright.

Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Alex Tarno.

Alex Tarno, everyone.

Here we go.

How you guys doing tonight?

Good.

Yeah, I'm doing good myself, all things considering.

I'm single.

I miss my ex-girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit.

I love chick shit.

Most guys in this room are like football, cars.

Me, I'm like Hobby Lobby.

Bath and body works.

Love all that shit.

I try to convince my guy friends to go with me, but they all just think I'm trying to fuck them.

They're like, yo, let's go to a strip club.

I'm like, that sounds fun, but you know what sounds fun?

A farmer's market.

Let's go get some locally sourced honey, dude.

Some fresh produce, dude.

I had to go to that strip club, right?

I like strip clubs, but I don't like that the gender roles were reversed at a strip club.

The women come up to the men, and that's terrifying to me.

I'm not used to to that shit at all, and they're aggressive as fuck.

Ladies, I understand your plight.

I now know what it's like to be a hot chick because I'm just there with my boys, just trying to have a fun time at the strip club.

And these money-hungry strippers, like, ah, you want to dance?

You want to dance?

I'm like, leave me alone trying to have fun with my friends.

Just because I dress the sway doesn't mean I want attention.

All right, thank you.

Alex Tarnow.

Hell yeah.

Welcome, welcome.

Alex, we know you, right?

Have you been on this show before?

Yes, I have, sir.

Yes.

You've been pulled out of the bucket.

Not pulled out of the bucket.

I brought Chris Silio, my roommate.

He's my best friend.

That's right.

The golden ticket winner that's blind.

Incredible.

How long have you guys been roommates?

We've been roommates for a short period of time, best friends for 10 years.

Wow.

Amazing.

What's it like being best friends with a blind guy?

It's fine.

I mean, like

D-Madness, plug your ears.

like simple shit where like it'll be he's this one time I go into the bathroom lights are off doors open right I open the door and then he goes ah dude I'm like well fuck you

oh that's amazing of course they don't need the lights on why the fuck would they I've never even thought of that before

Blind people's electric bills must be incredible.

God damn it, 35 cent.

What the fuck did I do?

How the hell is this even motherfucking boss?

It's all from the doorbell.

Who been ringing that fucking doorbell that much?

I'm gonna charge those motherfuckers.

Doing my D-madness impression, D.

I don't know if you can tell.

That's you.

I'm not really good at impressions, but that's.

I love it.

So what do you do for work, Alex Tarnow?

Me?

So I am, my background is in teaching, but right now, the first job I was able to get when I moved to Austin, I'm currently a server at a retirement community.

Whoa, okay.

Yes.

You're just serving final meals, Khan's.

Just, I mean, bro, I was like excited when I first got the job because I'm like, yo, I'm going to fucking crush some old pussy, dude.

And then, and then I got, and then, and then I got the job, and then I was like, oh, bro, gross.

This is not like what you Google online, dude.

Have any of the ladies, have any of the old ladies tried to fuck you?

Nah, come on, buddy.

Yeah.

You would have crushed them, though.

You were correct.

You are adorably chubby.

I mean, it is a special, it is a very special kind of fat.

I love that you lean into it by wearing shirts like that.

If you poke my belly, I giggle.

I bet.

I bet you do.

What are your foods of choice?

What does it take to exactly make that shape?

So

I have like a legendary Chipotle order.

Ooh, tell us.

I get

a steak bowl, but triple steak.

Oh my god, yes.

Double large guac extra toppings, dude.

What are your toppings of choice?

My top cheese, like the shredded cheese, right?

Corn, you know.

The chili corn

corn, yeah.

You go red and green?

I do red and green, yeah.

Oh, you MMs?

I go MMs.

Rice Krispy treats.

It's like one of those

wacky ice cream sundaes by the end of it.

Crumbled Oreos.

I go ham with that too, dude.

Derek Queen is fucking.

I mean, you go ham with ham.

What's your love life like, Alex?

It's...

I've been single now for two years, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you know,

I've been.

Are you from Austin?

No, I'm from Miami.

Have you ever kissed a girl since you lived in Austin?

Not yet, no.

Not yet?

Is there a girl out there?

Is there a fan of the show that'll come up and give him his big first Austin kiss, this adorable boy?

We have some of the greatest fans in all of show business.

And famously, there's always a woman that, for the sake of the goodness of the State of the Union, come on, whoever you are.

This is where the magic happens, everybody.

This is is a

very long, famous portion of the show.

It's called

Kiss Me Here on Kill Tony.

This is Alex Tarno, and this is his first kiss as an Austin, Texas resident.

Okay.

Hell yeah, that was a quick little peck there.

How do you feel, Alex?

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I believe this is a couple.

Yeah, it really is.

You guys are both wearing Halloween shirts.

What?

Why are you booing?

Why are you figuring out that?

Who are you offended by in that?

Great thing just right now.

You don't think he's a handsome charismatic man with a funny joke about the strip club?

I look like a poor man's John Belushi.

Like a Jim Belushi?

You look like like a Jim Belushi.

Yeah, that's Jambi.

Not Jim Belushi.

Poor man's Jambalushi is Jimbo.

That's what I was trying to say.

I thought it was funny.

It is.

Yeah, it's so funny.

It's incredible.

Okay, Alex.

Just make sure she's on top.

It's fucking murder if I'm on top.

What's your name, sweetheart?

Talk into that microphone right there.

Elena.

Elena, how did you feel kissing Alex on this stage?

Well he's quite charming.

Wow look at this.

Oh my goodness.

Hell yeah this chick's gonna be walking in on a blind dude taking a shit in the dark in no time.

This is incredible.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Elena, where are you from?

Michigan.

Oh, okay.

So this guy's, this is like a 10 right here.

This is a Michigan 10.

We do look like we make the perfect 10, though.

Yeah, 0-1, perhaps.

I think Michael's seeing the 10 back there.

All right.

Thank you so much, Elena.

Thank you, Alex Tarno.

Fun times.

Alex, how long is your longest set?

I'm going to hand for Elena, everybody, being a good sport.

What's the longest set you've ever done?

30 minutes.

30 minutes.

I would love to have you and the blind guy on The Secret Show Thursday.

Chris Celio and Alex Tarno just got booked on The Secret Show.

Oh my goodness.

Here we are coming right around the corner.

All right.

We have another bucket full, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Jackson Nami, everyone.

Jackson Nami.

Appreciate it.

I know I look like I got turned out out of Planet Fitness.

It was a YMCA.

Fuck you.

For real.

I got PTSD, preconceived tendency to suck dick, and it's a disorder.

And it's hereditary.

So some of you hoes better watch out.

They call me Cronus the way I be eating kids.

Pause, pause.

What the fuck?

That's a Greek joke.

They call me Percy Jackson, the half-blood f ⁇ .

For real.

They call my throat Slitterbond the way kids be sliding down it.

It's a magic school bus on my tongue.

Come on the magic school bus.

Arnold, stop sucking dick behind the school bus again.

I can tell there's some closeted energy.

I can feel it in the crowd.

That one time in college.

With his uncle.

With that girl who wasn't a girl who he thought it was a girl.

You ever get so horny you scoot on the carpet like a dog?

Just me?

Just me?

Nah, the dice are in the front row.

Like, nah, we just munch it.

The fuck.

This guy asked me if being gay was a choice.

I said, not to my victims.

The fuck.

Damn.

Jackson Navy coming in and absolutely destroying.

Counts for double

being that gay in the middle of Texas.

You double killed.

Absolutely incredible.

Jackson.

Last time you killed this hard, it was your parents' expectations of you.

What a huge change from last time you were on this.

Huge growth spurt since the last time you were on this show, which is

very...

It was just gay, wasn't it?

And you came out, I fucking...

It's only half gay now.

That had to be five.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Amazing, Jackson.

So remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up now?

Uh, seven, eight years, maybe.

Seven or eight years.

All of it here in Texas?

Yes, sir.

Okay, this is where you're born and raised?

Houston, Texas.

Okay, what are your parents like?

What do they think of this whole thing with you?

They're just regular folk, conservative, Methodist.

Yeah.

What does your dad say to you?

What?

When he hears material like this, what do you think he's going to say?

Like, Jackson, god damn.

You got boomer autism, so like, I give him credit.

I give him space, you know what I mean?

Like,

what do you mean by that?

Can you?

Like, he can knock on the walls and be like, that's hardwood right there.

Like, he just

knows shit like that.

So, you know, we get along in a weird way so like

hank kill shit definitely hank hill shit yeah if Bobby was trans and me yeah yeah what do you guys do for fun what do you and your dad do for fun we used to go camping we don't you know a strain relationships you know we we trying

yeah how about mom you closer with mom she cool she uh she was in remission for breast cancer about a okay yeah look at that amazing full remission

Okay, so what do you do for fun, Jackson, when you're not doing comedy or sucking cock?

What's your third favorite thing to do?

We know what the first two are.

This guy is killing and filling.

He's crushing and gushing.

I got me a girlfriend.

Really?

Wow.

you?

Okay.

Where'd you meet this guy?

No.

No.

It's a real girl?

Yeah.

You're gay, but you have a girlfriend.

Yeah.

Help us to understand.

I was her gay friend.

Uh-huh.

And now she needs a gay friend.

It finally worked for one of us.

We finally.

It's been a strategy for a long time.

This is amazing.

So explain to us the slow burn that was you being her gay friend to starting to fuck.

How long were you guys just friends for?

Years, careers, years, right?

Definitely years.

So then what?

Explain to us the moment, the day, the date, the movie, whatever it may have been, where all of a sudden you...

It was the day I was being institutionalized.

It was that day.

Okay, so tell us about that so like she called me

after a while it'd been a while and I was like yeah, cuz you remember I said I suck dick up here and million views and yeah, you just did it again

just did it again.

Yeah, that's it.

I mean it's whatever, but I'm just saying, you know, I got a lot of traction on Grindr after that.

That was crazy.

But I okay, so you're you got institutionalized after your appearance on the show?

For sure, for sure.

But why?

What?

Why?

Was it for the pressure of being on the show, honestly?

No, okay.

Man, no.

Okay, tell us why you got institutionalized.

The gay shit.

What do you mean?

Who is this?

I was sad.

Juanita was here earlier.

She's not going to jail.

She's not going to a psych ward.

She put me on some Prozac.

Fuck the medicine companies.

That shit.

Was it your parents?

Yeah, yeah.

That's the answer.

Yeah, it was fine.

It was fine.

Okay, so how long did you get institutionalized for?

Two months.

Two months.

Two months?

Tell us about that.

What was that like?

I was popular for the first time ever.

It was awesome.

Okay.

Explain to us what you mean by that.

Well, like, they do this group therapy shit, and, like, I was just running laughs around, motherfuckers.

Getting big laughs.

Yeah, like, fucking killing.

Oh, mama, cancer.

Oh, I was a sweetheart.

Like, motherfuckers.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but for them girls with the fucking bracelets around their cut wrists, that shit.

Oh, shit.

I was everyone's best friend.

So you met this girl, this new girlfriend of yours, in the cycle.

No, so where'd you...

Oh, that's right, right.

Hometown, hometown girlfriend.

So why did she come out of the woodwork the day of your institutionalization?

God, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

Okay, so when you got out two months later, she picked you up?

Yeah, we waited, slow burn, just doing gay friend shit, going to the galleria, fucking botanical gardens, whatever.

Right, that's

fucked.

It just, it brewed.

Okay, so tell us about that moment where it went from being super gay to not gay at all anymore.

I would sit in the cup chair in her bedroom.

While she was having sex with guys.

Well, when I would do comedy, she would do some of that.

But, like, that.

Because, like, we wasn't together.

So it was like I was doing some of that too.

We just keeping the friendship.

Okay, let me go back to the root question here.

I'm trying to fight Prozac right now.

This is a live battle.

Tony versus Prozac and a battle of the Titans.

If you're wondering why these interviews go nowhere sometimes, it's because it is.

is.

The big healthcare companies have a tight grip on my show.

So far, Prozac is up one round against me.

There had to be a moment, a true moment, say you're at the botanical gardens or something like that, a moment where you're like, I think I could, I think I want to have sex with you.

I was watching this National Geographic show.

Okay.

No, seriously, in real life, it doesn't have to be funny.

We just fucked.

I was in the bedroom.

I was laying down.

We were tired of scissoring.

It was time.

It was time it was time

i squirted she squirted my pussy was wet we got the pH medifier motherfucker we was ready but so you're regularly having sex with a girl she's pregnant yes

wait

what

there are some I'm confused I can't even imagine I'm looking out at some Texans that definitely drove a fucking F-250 here from a from an hour and a half away Some real fucking ranch folks that have literally...

I don't think

he ain't gay no more.

He likes women.

This is incredible.

Are you still on the SSRIs?

No, sir.

Okay.

No, sir.

I'm free-wheeling it, motherfucker.

Wow.

How long has the girl been pregnant for?

She's due in october due in october unbelievable and so what are you gonna name the little f ⁇

well

that thing's coming out gay as fuck dude

You're gonna go through what your parents went through

and you're gonna find out how karma works

and they're gonna think you're the conservative autistic one.

Lil Jaden, I don't know, he's gonna be light-skinned.

We gonna fuck around.

Oh, it's a black girl?

Oh, she's Nigerian, yes, sir.

Wow!

This is incredible.

This guy's making up for all the interviews that went nowhere today.

Every time I ask him a question.

But isn't it nice that he's still disappointing his parents?

It's unbelievable.

Have you told them that you're straight now?

Have you broke the news to your parents that you're having a baby?

Yeah, they were, they're, yeah.

They

know.

Yes, sir.

How do they feel about it?

They're relieved.

They're like, thank gosh, fuck.

It's incredible.

How does it feel going from gay to straight?

In record time, crazy.

Motherfucker, like.

In split speed, yeah.

What's funny is that you still, you got so good from doing it seven or eight years as a gay man that all of your material is crushing and you're talking about sucking dick.

Well, you know, I still dabble, but.

Do you really?

You really?

Do you wanna either hobbies?

The fuck?

Wow.

Does she do that too?

Yeah, we fuck around.

We have a good time.

We're here.

Wow.

Incredible.

I know where I'm sleeping tonight.

My new friend's house.

Pregnant Nigerian and super gay guy.

Sounds like a fucking.

You gotta get ready to be a father to this child.

You gotta stop fucking around.

You gotta buy some real pants.

You got to now believe in your ability to be there for this woman and this child.

But you've run that until October is soon.

I'm busting my ass here, motherfucker.

I'm trying my best.

No, you got to not bust your ass.

Exactly.

Your ass has been busted enough.

Wow.

Jackson, does she have a job?

Yeah, sure.

What does she do?

We don't got a job right now.

You guys neither of you have jobs.

How are you planning on supporting the child?

Uh give me a gig, motherfucker.

No, that's not how it works.

How are you gonna do it

uh period?

Uh you know you know we don't only fans, I don't know.

Do you guys do things on OnlyFans?

No, sir.

No.

Okay.

So how they got a big How are you planning on taking supporting the child?

This interview is gonna get savvy.

Oh bullshit ass job, motherfucker.

Like what?

I was up with that a hair store.

I can do that again.

A hair store?

Yeah.

Sally's?

Okay.

Red bam.

I don't know.

I don't know what that shit is.

Exactly.

Dude,

you got immense talent to be a professional comic, though, for real.

You gotta be a good person.

For real?

Thank you.

Thank God, motherfuckers.

Somebody say it.

Thank you so much.

Send this guy some money.

Send this.

Send this, what do they call it when they transfer this?

Transfer what?

Should I say that?

Born-again, straight guy.

Listen, it's all well and good to be homophobic, but unless you're willing to give money to an ex-ish homosexual, what does it all mean?

What's your Venmo?

Give your Venmo yes.

Yeah, what's your Venn?

N-A-M-I.

Yes.

Jackson Nami1.

You're gonna want to get a Venmo.

The cash app people don't give as generously.

Right, it's chill.

You're gonna need a Venmo.

Venmo is one more V you have to get into

What's your longest set you've ever done Jackson 1015

I'd love to give you an eight-minute spot at Secret Show Thursday.

There you go.

And here's the big joke, Mo Jackson.

Here you go.

He caught it.

He's straight.

It's official.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

What an intriguing interview.

One more time for Jackson, Jackson, everybody.

All right, your final bucket pull of the night.

Make some noise for Frank Kidd, everyone.

Frank Kidd.

Here we go.

We're almost there.

One more time for Frank, everybody.

All right, hello.

Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring it the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people.

Like black people drive past a plantation and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us and

just how it impacts us today.

Just the

number of souls lost to the annals of time, crushed under an oppressive system.

And then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding.

Why don't we get married here?

Babe, let's do a silly one.

Put the shackles on me.

That's crazy.

I don't know.

Ma'am, have you ever been to a wedding at Auschwitz?

Has that ever happened to you?

No, that'd be crazy, right?

Okay, all right.

Thank you.

All right, Frank Kidd.

Welcome, Frank.

Is this your first time on the show?

Yeah, first time on the show.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Four years now.

Where at?

Baton Rouge.

Baton Rouge.

That was going to be my next.

Great game.

Great game.

Yeah, it goes on.

Yeah, absolutely.

It is college football season.

Did you go to college?

Yeah, I went to LSU.

Oh, sweet.

What did you get your degree in?

Journalism.

Okay.

What do you use that at all for anything?

Delivering Amazon packages.

Did you pay off your college debts yet?

Parents pay for it.

Oh, nice.

Okay.

What do the parents do?

Real estate.

Nice.

Look at that.

You locked out.

Thank you, Mama Dune.

I love it.

I love it.

What do you do for fun, Frank?

I like to go out, hang out with my girlfriend, watch football.

Okay.

Do gay remixes, songs.

Do what remixes?

Gay remixes.

What do you mean, gay remixes?

It's like, just like a.

Yeah, he was about to say, it's like a regular song, but James, go ahead.

Sorry, we just saw a gay remix come out early, Ron.

That won't make sense to you, but I apologize.

There was a gay guy who's not gay anymore.

Oh, yeah.

I heard the last part of the game.

Well, he's sort of not gay anymore.

Well, he dabbles.

Yeah, he dabbles.

Yeah.

He'll still suck your fucking dick in a heartbeat.

Totally straight now.

No anal.

Frank, how long have you been with your girlfriend?

About a year now.

What does she do?

She works at Dillard's.

Oh, okay.

All right.

White girl, black girl?

Black.

Okay.

I don't like how he...

What?

You was like, white girl, black girl?

I was like, she's black.

Yeah.

It's a weird question.

No, I'm just saying.

I was like...

It seems like you looked at me and you were like, he dates white women.

And I was like...

You don't think you look like you would?

Not anymore.

Right, right.

You've been with white women before?

No comment.

Of course.

When you have, what's something that you notice that's different about white women?

Oh my god.

I'm about to.

Man, man, white pussy.

No.

White pussy be like, black pussy.

I really didn't notice anything different, you know?

Nothing at all, huh?

Nothing.

There's so many huge differences.

Yeah.

Huge.

Like, I bet this, you know, touching of the hair is, I'm told, a big thing.

No doubt.

I'm sorry.

White women have that cauliflower thing deep inside them that black people don't have.

I don't know who.

What is that, man?

Anybody feel that cauliflower?

Black women not have it?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

What

the fuck is wrong with you?

Have you felt the cauliflower thing before?

It was broccoli.

It was broccoli.

Broccoli.

Broccoli.

Cauliflower is if it's a white woman, it's broccoli.

If it's a darker woman.

Okay.

So, Frank, what else?

What do you do for any other hobbies or anything like that?

I play Xbox.

I go to the gym, I guess.

I wish I did like rock climbing or bungee jumping or killed people or something for fun.

That would be more interesting.

That makes sense, though.

I love it.

I love it.

What's your favorite food, Frank?

Mac and cheese.

Ah, how often do you eat mac and cheese?

Probably once every two weeks.

Wow, what a special treat.

I eat it more than that.

Yeah,

Red Band has to go to a meetup group if he goes two weeks without his mac and cheese.

What's your favorite mac and cheese?

Ooh, what the here we go.

Different levels to the game.

Perhaps some bacon bits in the mix.

Oven baked with the bacon bits and the breadcrumbs on top.

Red Band sometimes does a breadcrumbs only remix of that.

Breadcrumbs!

All right.

Frank, Frank, Frank.

Frank kid.

You have any kids?

No, I do not have any kids.

You want to?

Is that are you offering me something?

Yes, would you like to make a baby with me?

No.

Do you want to have kids one day?

Yes, I'd like to have kids.

Do you see that?

Also, I will take you up on your offer to have kids with you.

Perfect.

Because, you know, divorce.

I'm coming for half.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I had a feeling you were going to try to steal something from me when I first.

I didn't realize you were going to play the long game, Frank.

I thought you were coming straight for my wallet.

I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony.

I love it.

I missed that.

What did he say?

You said he was playing the long game with you?

No, I said I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's very dick.

I'm not sure what I thought about that.

Oh, I thought.

Absolutely.

Okay, Frank, anything else crazy about your life we should know about?

Anything ever happened or a weird thing with your family or

weird thing with my family?

Something, anything about your entire life makes you different?

Okay, so I was out this weekend and this old dude walked up to my girlfriend's friend and he stopped like this

and he looked her up and down and pulled his glasses down and walked away.

I thought that was pretty funny.

That was insane.

I can't believe I saw that in real life.

That was ridiculous.

What did you do?

We looked at each other and laughed.

We were like, has that ever worked for you or something?

He's like 60-something years old in the club with like 25 at 30-year-old.

I'm just appreciating it.

Like, that's a compliment.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Is that how you hit all women?

Sure.

Yeah.

He's got the look.

That's my thing.

Oh, God.

Wow.

You want to be on secret show?

Can you keep a secret?

No.

Frank, fun times.

Congratulations on getting pulled.

There you go.

There's a joke.

Frank Kidd, everybody.

There he goes, everyone.

Frank Kidd.

Well, we've been through so much tonight.

I mean, how could we forget Colin Sledge starting it off with a great set and an awkward interview?

And then Juanita being Juanita, the giant Mexican woman with a cock.

Then there was the electrical energy of Pat O'Neal.

The huge bombing of Olivia Coughlin talking about Jill Biden and her cleaner.

It was Mario Z, Hans Kim, Isaac Kane Brown, Augie Lee, John Bechtel, Alex Tarnow, Jackson Naimi, who went from gay to straight.

Coming inside of a woman's vagina after the dick had been in many assholes of men.

Men's assholes.

Where poop comes out of.

And then it's in where a baby comes out of.

A vagina.

And it came inside of it to the point to where a baby will come out of the shit-stained vagina.

Amazing to think that one day, little baby Nami will come out of the shit-slide vagina.

It's like, this is really Tiny's internal monologue, I think, at all times.

We've had so much fun with James, the Black Israelite, is out on YouTube.

Dave Landau's book, Cardi of One, is out now.

I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with only one man can do it.

The Hall of Famer, who has more appearances than anybody ever in the history of the show.

Some people call him the nicked nuisance,

the prince of prize picks,

the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler.

This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

Quick survey.

Who here has not seen the remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler?

Okay, spoiler alert.

He rapes a lot of inmates.

It's graphic.

The sun has gone bad.

I repeat.

The sun has gone bad.

That is the guy who's never seen black people.

If anybody ever hacked or figured out my social security number, I would be screwed because they would know my password to literally everything.

In high school, Red Band was so racist, he got voted most likely to secede.

Yeah, from the union.

During school photos, they'd be like, Red Band, you can't wear that hood.

Okay, that's my time, Tony.

Wow.

Very interesting set.

Accusing Red Band of racism when he was younger.

That's That's an odd, different maneuver.

We've never seen this before.

I had never seen his yearbook picture before.

I actually got his

yearbook from his mom.

His mom sent me a bunch of

shit in the mail.

We're pin pals.

Does his mom send you a lot of things?

Yeah, I mean, all kinds of stuff.

But yeah, she did send me his old yearbooks.

And it was, because normally it's most likely to succeed.

Right, yeah, they said succide, and he's wearing his fucking stars and bars shirt.

It was really weird.

I get it.

He's in Ohio or whatever, but yeah, it seemed pretty racist.

Wow.

William, are you ever racist?

What do you think about other people?

No.

Oh, my gosh.

I try to take people as they are, Tony.

I try to.

I try to, but I'll be honest, though.

Somebody I can be racist against, though, is other red-headed people.

Every now and again,

I generally like to be the only red-headed person.

You start this up again?

You start this shit with me once again.

He's asking me what I feel racist against.

I do feel racist against other red-edit people.

We got to stick together.

We got to do something for the community.

Yeah, but I want to be the only one when I'm in a room.

I want to be the only red-headed fucking person when I'm in a room.

You don't feel that way?

You guys.

I don't care about it.

That's weird.

That's weird, yeah.

We don't get any special powers or strengths.

There's no red-headed advocacy group out there trying to get us an Oscar.

Sounds like William.

We require more anesthesia.

That seems like a superpower to me, James.

Is that true?

Have you known that?

Have you had to use anesthesia?

Only the women.

It's a fun fact.

It's only the women.

What?

Red-headed women need more anesthesia.

They don't really understand why.

It's not fun, and it's not funny.

So I didn't really want to talk about it.

But that happens to be a fact.

It's like Mexicans not getting knocked out or, or, you know, black guys doing a marathon.

That's true.

There are certain anomalies with different

skins and colors and blood types.

I will say I once was under anesthetic for my adult circumcision and it was the best day of my life.

How old were you during this circumcision?

I was 30.

You were 30 years old, 3-0?

Yeah.

Okay, what happened there?

Tell us about that.

You ever had the rope on a hoodie tied too tight?

Yeah.

Anyway, we had something like that sort of develop over the years.

The doctors assured me it was not too much masturbating, but I have to think it was too much.

How many days did it take to heal?

The circumcision?

Yes.

Ages.

Man, I had to wear a condom in public.

Really?

As a leathery exterior developed on the head of my hitherto unexposed pants.

I like to lose the whole room right at the end of the show.

That's what I'm all about, Don.

You've done so well up to this point.

Tony, I have a condom on my penis right now.

You do?

People do that.

Red-headed people walk around

your penis.

Wow, what kind of condom is it?

Ultra-ribbed.

Wow.

Wow.

I can get at the gas station tonight.

Oh, my God.

What was the age of your circumcision?

Huh?

Circumcised at birth or 30?

At birth.

Oh, Oh, very good.

William, you got ultra-ribbed condoms at the gas station?

Yeah, there's literally one on my dick right now.

Wow.

God, I don't give a fuck anymore, dude.

Checks and Nami would suck it right off if you just stuck it through that curtain right now.

I'm sure he would.

Yeah, I can't believe you got a girl pregnant.

What a stupid bitch to let that game.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

Get her fucking ass pregnant.

That seems

stupid.

Yeah.

What do you think he should name the AIDS baby?

Isn't it solid?

Maybe Dan?

Dan could be a good name.

William, what else did you get from the gas station?

Oh, shit, Tony.

I mean, the peanut butter Snickers, you know, I am eating those things non-stop.

I'm drinking.

my A1C is still fucked up, Tony.

Your what?

My A1C's still fucked up.

I'm not doing your what is fucked up.

A1C.

What is that?

It's something in my blood.

It's the numbers are messed up still.

Nothing I'm doing is working, Tony.

Are you going to a like a normal doctor?

It's a Chinese medicine place.

They're the only people that take my insurance.

He has this weird ass fucking Chinese.

Why are you going to a Chinese medicine place?

It's the only place that takes my insurance rate though.

And

they jerk you off.

You have bad news and a happy ending at the same time.

What do they say your A1C is?

You have too much hemoglobin or whatever.

Yes.

Thank you, Redban.

Our senior medical correspondent, Brian Redban.

It's a glucose issue.

What did you just call it, Red Band?

I was just thinking, that was like the stupidest.

Hemoglobin.

It's like, God, am I having a stroke right now?

Am I really fucking dying right now?

Listening to this idiot.

I'm going to double red with you right now.

But hemoglobin.

Yeah.

Our senior medical correspondent.

Hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin.

All right.

It's funny because he looked it up and everything.

It's just right there.

It's written in big letters.

Hemoglobin.

And you were so close.

If only you could read.

It's Hobgoblin.

The Hobgoblin.

It's Spider-Man's arch nemesis, the Hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin A1C.

Wow.

What else did you get from the gas station, William?

I got the Twizzlers, Tony!

Wow!

What else, William?

Got some Gatorade!

What flavor Gatorade did you get?

Lemon ice.

No, that's a fake name.

I just get scared.

When you put me on the spot like this, I get scared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's great.

Yeah.

That's what happens.

That's why it's a hit part of the show, William.

It ain't easy.

It ain't easy improvising every week.

What else did you get from the gas station?

Don't look at James.

Don't look at Jesus.

Jeeves, sunglasses, Tony!

Okay, I'm sweating now, Tony.

It's not.

It's okay.

Seriously.

You got sunglasses?

Were they like the athletic kind or normal or like what kind of sunglasses?

Like D-Madness's?

John D's, perhaps?

Were they like Matt Muelling's?

It looks like D-Madden's glasses are made out of this material that is zapping the bugs.

It looks like his glasses could zap the bugs.

D-Maddis, it looks just like it.

What else did you get from the gas station, William?

Lotto Diggas, Tony!

But it's so nice to be here, Tony.

William, we love you so much.

You are the best.

He's done it again.

Thank you to Nickton Prize Picks.

How about one more time for the great James McCann, everybody?

Go to his YouTube, James Donald Forbes McCann, and watch the new special, Black Israelite on YouTube.

Anything else you want to say, James?

I got a new single out on Spotify.

I got a new book of poems coming out.

I'm doing five things badly.

Wow.

Incredible, James McCann.

We love you.

Make some noise for Dave Landau, everybody.

His book, Party of One, available now on Amazon.

He's on tour, DaveLandau.com.

It's all happening.

Thank you, Dave.

Anything else?

That's it.

Thank you for having me.

Check out my show, Normal World.

Other than that, thank you all.

DaveLandau.com.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-belt is in.

It's a perfect drawing of James and Dave.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Oh, it's Timmy.

No breaks, everybody.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Red band.

Check out my fake band, Catbread7, on Spotify, iTunes, and YouTube.

We love you guys.

Tickets are on sale now for the Moody Center, New Year's Eve.

Everybody says they can't get tickets to a Kill Tony.

Now is everyone's official chance.

One of the largest tapings of the show we've ever done and the largest ever in Austin, Texas, only on New Year's Eve this year.

We love you guys.

We'll see you there.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptatx.com for tickets.

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