#737 - IAN BAGG + BRIAN HOLTMAN

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Gabriel Tony Hitchcliffe.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yeah!

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Brazilian Eli.

John D's on the keys.

And this here, believe it or not, D motherfucking madness in the house.

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How exciting is this?

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We're having the time of our lives, and tonight's episode will be no different.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Ladies and gentlemen, I book this show every week.

And one of the things that I've been loving doing lately is, you know, making little chemistry sets, matching up people just right.

Your Rob Schneider's and Donnell Rawlings, if you will.

Your Triple H's and Carrot Tops, if you will.

This week, no different.

Two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth.

One, a master improviser famous for his unbelievable crowdwork.

The other, one of the true dark forces of all of stand-up comedy, an absolute man known for closing

every show in the main room of the comedy store and now the mothership.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, two of my favorites, make some noise for Ian Bag and Brian Holtzman.

Oh my god,

Ian Bag

gangster

kill Tony Legend

Brian Holtzman.

Oh my goodness.

What a fucking panel we have here tonight.

Brian Holtzman is back, the Duke of Darkness.

Hi, Brian.

Say something into the microphone for the people.

How's everybody doing, huh?

Yahoo!

Shit kicking.

We're gonna have fun with Brian and the great Ian Bagg is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Hot off a weekend here.

Hello, Tony.

The second time on this show.

We had so much fun last time.

Very exciting.

I'm pumped to have you back.

Very exciting and terrified of Brian.

It's a perfect pilot.

It really is.

I love Brian, but I'm terrified.

Yeah, we all are.

He keeps us on our toes.

I've known Brian now for 18 and a half years.

I've been looking up to him, and I consider him a mentor.

These work a lot better, again, if you use that microphone, Brian.

I promise again he's 45

45 years in the industry still doesn't realize that the microphone is a critical part of show business

Famous for doing jokes off the mic crushing off the mic

I Love these guys.

We're gonna have so much fun.

You guys know how it works About 300 human souls signed up for this bucket.

They are all crammed into a bar next door.

Some of them, some of the most talented, upcoming comedians from all around the world.

Some of them completely mentally ill people.

Some of them have never even tried stand-up before.

Some of them have done it every night for a decade and a half.

Anything can happen.

I'm going to have this Puerto Rican outlaw pick the first name.

Definitely a guy on the run from the police right now.

Nowhere better to hide than the front row of a comedy show.

We're gonna have fun while we go wrangle that person.

I'm gonna tell you what happens when they get up here.

They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview with them.

They hear from our esteemed panel.

And we have a lot of fun.

The entire thing is improvised.

Anything can happen.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

A lot of our golden ticket winners and regulars are out on the road tonight.

So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, one of our great, great team members here that we've known forever.

We found him in Dallas, I think, six, seven, eight years ago.

He famously was a good high kicker.

He once

tried to kick a water bottle off Jeremiah's head and kicked him in the head.

A lot of fun stuff.

Fun history with this kid.

He works hard.

He works works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

We love him.

Ladies and gentlemen, doing the first minute of the night, make some noise for Colt McNeely, everybody.

Here comes Colt.

Hey!

What's up?

How are you?

Oh, man.

A little bit about me.

I just got my own place.

Thank you.

I love this place, new apartment.

My favorite thing about it is it doesn't come with a bitch who hates me.

Fellas.

Thanks for coming out, guys.

You know, I think things are a little too political now, would you agree?

Yeah, right.

You know, I miss when Antifa was just my black friend's cool aunt.

You know what I'm saying?

Antifa?

I miss that lady.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming out, guys.

Oh, man.

You know, know, I love the gays.

They're great, right?

They're not doing too much.

I've never been, but I hear a lot of good things about gay bars.

You know,

I heard they pour heavier drinks than they do at straight bars.

Have you heard this?

Yeah, right?

I think it's because the bartenders are pouring the drinks like this.

Thank you, guys.

Cole, what a great set.

Thanks, Tony.

Hi, Ryan.

That was amazing.

Hi, Ryan.

Hello, sir.

Really came through.

Thank you, sir.

Last time I saw you was behind the curtain about 10 minutes ago, and I told you you're opening up the show.

Quote, don't suck.

Yeah, guys.

No pressure, right?

The look on his face did change when I said it, by the way.

It was like he was real excited.

And then when I said, don't suck, it kind of just went like that.

Kind of felt bad.

I thought maybe being such a direct head coach wasn't a good idea, but then you came out.

It works.

It works.

Pressure makes diamonds, I guess.

You're goddamn right, and that's what you are.

It was impressive.

Yeah.

How much stuff he could get in in one minute.

He went from the gays to being alone to being drunk.

Oh, man, there's a lot to talk about.

Sucking two dicks at one time.

Very impressive.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

We love it.

Yes.

Holtzman.

I was very impressed, and I have a little comedy writing session in my place.

You are welcome anytime.

Hell yeah.

Starts about 12 at night, and it'll just be you and I.

I'll bring my grippy socks.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Cole, tell us about you or tell these people.

Oh, man.

We know that you work here with us.

You're a big part of the team.

You've been hustling all around.

You've been part of the Salt Tony production crew forever.

Yes, sir.

What else?

Work at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, Brian Red Bands Club.

Yeah, make fucking noise.

Yeah.

I run sound over there.

I do spots.

I'm like a regular over there, I guess.

We have a show every Wednesday.

Okay.

Jesus Colt.

I mean,

how about something else other than

plugging gay bullshit?

I don't know.

I just got a sponsorship for a yo-yo club or a yo-yo team.

I'm a professional yo-yoer now.

Thank you.

That's pretty fucking boring.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Seems like you might only have a minute worth of material.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't know.

Right to the yo-yo.

Yeah.

Do you have a yo-yo on you?

I do, actually.

Oh, my God, guys.

I need some motherfucking yo-yo music.

What do we got?

Yo-yo, we need yo-yo music.

We got yo-yo.

Everybody, we got yo-yo music.

got yo-yo music.

Hey, whoa.

Wow.

Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth.

Somehow crushing the late night shows.

Better numbers than SNL.

And somehow, wow, what a flex.

Oh, my God.

There must be so many knots.

Unbelievable.

Thank you for coming out, for real.

Thank you for coming out.

Yes, they came out for that.

Thank you guys.

I'm a fan now.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Bring that to the apartment and I'll try to insert it in your ass.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Holy crap.

Pull it out real slow.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I had no idea this about Brian.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming in.

Whoa.

All right, cool.

Other than yo-yoing, you good at anything else?

What else?

Not really.

All right, perfect.

I'm really good at setting up this table.

Yeah, that is true.

It's a lot of work, guys.

It's like a puzzle.

It comes apart.

Some little behind the scenes for you.

Yeah, for those of you die-hard fans that ever wonder, I wonder how long it takes to put the table together.

Oh, I know.

An hour and 18 minutes is the record.

Hour and 18 minutes.

Yeah.

It's coming out.

It's filled with LED lights.

It's very strategic.

There's little sound monitors.

There's little video monitors that we don't use for the home shows, only for arenas.

It's a whole thing.

It's a big deal.

I just heard the sound of 15,000 people turning off the show just then.

Did you guys hear that?

That was the most amazing, humble brag I've ever heard in my life.

I've got a table that's got things in it.

It is a long time.

We had fucking, you should have seen some of the tables we've dealt with over the years, man.

i bet oh my god how many yo-yos have he gone through oh too many to count man and i got another question uh remember how you said you're not living with a bitch anymore after seeing your yo-yo was that your mom

anyways it was she does hate me

i love it colt you did it a fantastic way to start the fucking show Put on your headset and get back to the fucking...

Oh, what was that?

You got a gift from Holtzman.

What is it?

I'm going to wash my mouth out with it.

Wow, you naughty boy.

Fix the mic.

You work here, remember?

There you go.

There he goes.

He got a bar.

So Brian Holtzman famously gives gifts to each.

Oh, Maiga.

Oh,

Maiga.

The lovely Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen.

New website, HeidiRegina.com.

She's got sponsors and shit.

She's fucking killing it.

The real deal, a modern-day Vanna wipe.

One more time for Heidi, everybody.

and so it has begun and now we get to the down and dirty our first bucket pull of the night this person no matter who or what they are had no idea that they were gonna be on the biggest comedy show in the world 10 minutes ago you saw this thug pull his name out of a bucket and now he will be performing live ladies and gentlemen make some noise 60 seconds uninterrupted for mike halloway everybody.

Mike Holloway.

There are a lot of people who are really upset about trans women getting into women's sports.

I disagree.

I myself am considering identifying as a little person.

and getting into midget wrestling.

I'll call myself Andre the Average.

Fuck up seven dwarves at once.

Just like Disney.

Speaking of Disney, I hear Disney is going to do a live-action Cinderella.

Yeah, it's going to star

Elliot Page

as

Cinderella, who wants to be a prince,

and Dilla Mulvaney as the fairy godmother

who waves a tampon like a wand and says, figgity, faggoty, feet.

And poof, there's Prince Cinderella.

All right.

Hell yeah.

Mike Holloway.

Heck yeah.

Welcome to the show.

Mike, is this your first time on?

No, second time.

Last time you were on, did I tell you that you look like

the Toy Story?

Actually, I think it was

yeah, it's all I can say.

He wasn't Mark Norman, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

I see it.

And how do you not talk about that coming back?

You were here before he gave you a joke and you said, Fuck it, I'm going with the transgenders.

Come on, man,

Mike Holloway, how long you been doing stand-up?

Uh,

a little over five years, like six years.

Okay, we're at

starting in KC

in Kansas City.

KC.

How about JoJo?

Did you ever start in Jojo?

I don't know what that is.

All your life?

You prayed for someone like me?

You see where I'm getting here?

Okay.

Mike Holloway, what do you do for work?

I just got a new job at Tapville Social.

At what?

Tapville Social.

It's a new restaurant and bar.

Oh, okay.

Up by the campus and the Moody Center.

Okay.

That's a good plug for them.

What's good on their menu?

What have they got good over there?

Tower of nachos

oh yeah that's exactly what it looks like you'd be slinging

hey that they got great shit too they got a uh

they got a steak fritz it's very fancy steak fritz

how big is this tower of nachos is it true

uh

drum kit it's about

it's about that high That's a tower that Redband wants to 9-11.

You know what I'm saying?

Go headfirst right into it.

Bring down that tower.

How's your yo-yo?

Yeah.

Terrible.

You can't play yo-yo?

No.

I can go up and down.

That's about it.

I love that it's play yo-yo.

Right now, Colts like...

Oh, ma'am.

We don't play yo-yo.

You just yo-yo.

Is that what it is?

I have no idea.

It's been so many decades since I've seen one.

I know.

I was just like, holy shit, Baron Fawcett's going to be here tonight.

You got nothing?

You don't have a fucking slinky or anything on you?

About Uno cards or anything?

He looks like he came from a toy box and he hasn't.

He took everything.

What do you do for fun, Mike Holloway?

I don't do much for fun anymore.

Wow.

Jeez.

Wow.

Because I'm working and doing comedy, but I like to play disc golf.

What else?

I like to go fishing.

I like to play video games, but I don't have my computer down here.

My goodness, it's a real real bunch of.

I like to do a lot of stuff.

Was that it?

Did you just list it all?

And then you said a lot of stuff?

Other stuff that didn't come to mind.

Okay.

All right, what's your love life like exactly?

Because you seem like the kind of guy that just absolutely pleases himself.

Yes, Holtzman is seeing what I see here.

You seem like a guy that just jerks off when you first wake up and you have low testosterone for the rest of the day and you just don't even worry about that type of shit right pretty much okay perfect

he's giving up he's just like yeah whatever you're gonna say i don't give a shit fuck you i i'm raid on his third time i want to invite you to the writing uh

what are you gonna do with him what are you gonna do i mean you already have colt and the yo-yo i'm gonna do the same thing i'm gonna do with yo-yo boy Oh,

try to get up inside that.

Oh, I like the way you part your teeth in the middle.

I love it.

I really love it.

I like the way that t-shirt hangs off your shoulders.

Can I say I really, just, really want to just fuck you?

I don't know if that's bad taste.

I don't know, but

checked with Mark Marin.

He said I could say that

he is.

You got to check in with him nowadays.

It's a real big deal.

He's the police.

He decides what everyone can talk about.

I love it.

Mike, give us something else crazy about your life.

I recently crashed a bird scooter and fucked up my knee.

Whoa.

How did that happen?

On the way to work.

I was just,

I got it was kind of a wobbly one

and

I got I was too cocky and

was going too fast in a narrow bumpy area and cost control.

Let me get this straight.

You've got a credit card.

Yeah.

Mike, what size joke book did you get last time you were on this show?

Big one.

one.

Well, there you go.

Go fill it up, Mike.

You started off tonight's show.

There he goes.

Mike Holloway, ladies and gentlemen.

Woo!

Hello there.

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ADC Wednesdays, Shifting Gears is back.

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Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.

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With a star-studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis, and

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That guy's a tool.

Shifting gears, new Wednesdays, 8-7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

Well, well, well, I could not be more excited to have this name in my hands.

Ladies and gentlemen, how cool is this?

This young lady started off on the show famous for making great horse noises.

Such an unbelievable horse noise that we had her go to the HEB Center on New Year's Eve just to make one horse noise.

That was it.

And then she got pulled out of the bucket again here and informed me that

maybe a little bit lighter there, Michael.

She informed me famously that her uh that her parents were disappointed in her at the time for for being on such an un-Christian-like show.

And so, on the spot, I asked her how much she makes at the job that she didn't really like.

She told me I matched it, and now, every day, Monday through Friday, she works directly with me.

The odds of her getting pulled out of the bucket are unbelievable, and I couldn't be more excited to see a brand new minute from the great and powerful, the one and only one of my favorite young comics and especially human beings.

This is Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, everybody.

I look like a girl who regularly goes to the gym, but just to poop.

I really respect Helen Keller as a woman in history.

Have you guys heard of Helen Keller?

Yeah.

She's never heard of you.

I have a strong belief that Helen Keller coined the phrase, talk to the hand because the face ain't listening.

But she probably sounded a little different as she said it.

I'm really excited to potentially have a husband one day, and I'm excited about this possibility because I will get to greet that man every day for the rest of my life.

You know, different couples have different greetings.

Some like to hug, some like to kiss.

I've been practicing the greeting I'll have with my husband.

It'll look like this.

Stop hitting us.

Thank you guys so much.

Sarah Sloan, everybody.

Wow.

How cool is this?

Welcome back, Sarah Sloane.

This is fun because I talk to you every day, all the time.

And now we're talking like this.

It's kind of weird.

It's so I literally said to you, I spend more time with you than anybody else.

It's true.

And I love it.

Yeah.

We have a lot of fun.

Do you guys want us to leave?

We are absolute polar opposites.

She is a very, very, very, very good, well-behaved Christian girl.

And I'm a naughty boy

and we give each other balance we live vicariously slightly I think through each other Sarah tell these people something about you that we don't know I mean I don't even know yeah I would say like I would ask you a normal question but like I kind of know everything can I tell you a funny story like that you yeah well there was one time Tony was about to go out to the lake and then he started just looking at me and he was like I'm picturing you joining me and my friends going on the lake and wearing you wearing a bikini.

And he just started dying laughing.

That is the weirdest time to make an HR complaint

in front of all these people.

Tony's an asshole.

He says my pussy's hairy.

We have a lot of fun.

Sarah is the best.

Brian Holtzman.

I really appreciated your

stage present is wonderful.

You have a beautiful little figure.

And I especially liked your Helen Keller because I, to this day, can't understand why she's who she is.

I mean, she couldn't do anything.

She couldn't go anywhere.

I mean, to have somebody that's that famous and well-known for being that

deficient in all areas.

I mean, what would you do with a Helen Keller if you, you know, nothing.

Maybe keep the door from shutting, you know.

But thank you so much.

I really appreciate what you did.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So awesome.

The great Brian Holtzman.

I just want to say, night and day difference from the last time or two times you've been on.

Like, that was actually fucking absolutely.

That was the next thing I was getting to.

I don't ever get to see you do stand-up and the unbelievable growth since the last time.

Working beats, you're using your hands, great mic technique close to the mouth.

Everything's good.

Everything's like rock solid, professional.

Sarah, what else is going on?

Anything else crazy in your personal fun life or whatever?

I told you, I told you recently, like, ever since I've gotten this job, men have been very interested in me.

Ah, hell yeah.

It's so insane.

I'm just like, literally night and day difference.

Now I still don't do anything about it.

I'm too afraid.

Yeah, I went on a date with this one guy, and then he started just like, at the end, I was dreading it.

I was like, oh no.

And then he starts just hugging me.

And I was like,

and then he like kisses me on the cheek.

And I was like, and then

he was like, what's wrong, baby?

He was Mexican.

Shows you they really don't respect boundaries.

Yeah,

at one point I literally held up my hand in front of my face and I said, don't kiss me, please.

Do you think maybe you're a lesbian a little bit?

I know I'm not.

I just I feel I feel so bad just like kissing someone that may not be my husband

Take it take it Brian

Boltzmann be nice.

I don't care if you do it to the men

Don't do it to my sweet little Sarah Sloan.

She's a good Christian.

She goes to church every week

doing this devil's work literally.

I'm probably more a Christian now than before I started the job.

Yeah

It's true.

And a little fun fact if you if you were to go back or if you're a fan of the show and you remember her getting the job live, which was a crazy thing, nothing but my gut instinct.

I knew nothing really about you other than you could do a good horse noise at the time.

And my God, how it's played out is unbelievable.

And the parents that originally you said da da da da didn't like it and it's a little bit too rugged of a show for you to be on and they're laughing at crazy stuff and everything.

We ended up making, I made friends with the parents.

They came and visited and fucking now I'm friends with her their super cool awesome parents too they love you so much yeah this is how the devil works is nobody lifted

holy shit

it's happening right here like

the ground is just starting to bubble and we got another one

Sarah unbelievable fucking set I love the poop in the gym, the Helen Keller, everything.

I love seeing the growth.

You're a little star.

We love you.

One more time for the great Sarah Sloan, maybe.

Boom!

Wow.

Wait, wait, wait.

Sarah, real quick, how could I forget one horse noise for these people?

That was your best horse sound.

This is kill Cody.

Cody.

That's the sound of Colt when you're pulling the yo-yo out of his ass.

I love the way he looks like the horse.

Get that bit out of my mouth.

Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pull of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted, going to JJ Alexander, everybody.

I just watched the new Superman movie, and me and my friend were walking out.

He's like, you know what?

There's no way anyone will fall for that.

Like just using glasses as a disguise.

Like he just puts a pair of glasses on and and everyone thinks he's a totally different person.

No one's dumbed up to fall for that.

I looked at my friend, I'm like, I know the glasses are a good disguise because I have to use my glasses as a disguise every single day.

Like, with my glasses on, you might be like, Oh, this is like a kind of cute nerdy guy.

Glasses off, I look like I eat crayons for the flavor.

Glasses on, history teacher with autism.

Glasses off, Matt Damon with Down syndrome.

How do you like them apples?

Glasses on, kind Chick-fil-A manager.

My pleasure.

How are we doing tonight, folks?

What's going on?

Glasses off, Arby's manager.

JJ Alexander has arrived to the Kill Tony universe.

This is your first time on this show, right?

Yeah, dude.

Holy shit.

Unbelievable.

Amazing.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Five years.

Where at?

Colorado Springs, Colorado.

And you're just visiting Austin?

No, just moved here, man.

When did you move here?

April.

April.

Yeah, dude.

Moved down with four of my buddies.

We slept on two, like...

Bunk beds side by side for two months.

Fuck yeah.

Just burned the boats to try to move to Austin, Texas.

Try to do this show, man.

That's how we do it.

I get it.

Yeah.

That is awesome.

I love it.

How do you make money?

What do you do for work?

I work at Dutch Bros, the coffee shop.

Oh, hell yeah.

I work when you have your glasses on.

Yeah.

Glasses off.

I'm giving out free coffees to everybody, dude.

I was like, would you like chocolate milk, man?

I love it.

So, yeah, I worked at 5 a.m.

today.

Wow.

Yeah, dude.

Amazing.

Hell yeah, JJ.

Ian, what do you think?

Not anymore if you can do an impression of a horse.

Oh, I got nothing, dog.

I just have chance.

Sorry, you were doing so well there.

And then bam.

Brian, to come over to do the joke writing contest at your house, does he have to wear the glasses or not the glasses?

He can do whatever he wants.

Oh, no, shit.

We don't have to talk about anything at all.

This is the scariest I've ever been in my life.

this is nuts

unbelievable jj tell us more about you uh yeah man uh yeah i work at dutch bros uh i play yeah

uh no i i can solve a rubik's cube you can i can you know what's crazy about that ladies and gentlemen no please i swear to god you're not gonna believe this but just a few weeks ago my amazing team here at keltoni informed me about a bunch of new things that we have backstage a breathalyzer.

We have all the old stuff.

Your famous scale, your measuring tape.

And now added, ladies and gentlemen, and this is, they told me this, and I go, what the fuck am I ever going to do with that?

That sounds boring as hell.

But we have arrived at that moment as I present to you for the first time in Kill Tony history, Heidi, bring out the Rubik's Cube.

Oh my goodness.

Wow.

Oh, he's just attacking it right away, ladies and gentlemen.

Glasses on, he can solve the Rubik's Cube.

Imagine it.

Glasses off, he eats the Rubik's Cube.

What if he was just lying?

Like, he thought, no way they're gonna have a Rubik's Cube, and he's just like, Johnny Baycock, I can do a Rubik's Cube so fast.

Now, Tony, do you know the science behind it?

It's like a math thing.

Like, it's a two over down up.

Yeah, I don't really get it.

I've never understood the Rubik's Cube.

I have no desire to whatsoever.

I let other people conquer the Rubik's Cube universe while I do my own thing.

When I was a kid, I found out that you could actually take off each of the squares and pop them back on.

There you go.

Yeah.

Oh, there is a timer, ladies and gentlemen.

They've started a timer.

He's at 45 seconds right now.

This isn't quite going as good as I thought it would.

It's no yo-yo.

Yeah, turns out you're very mediocre at Rubik's Cube.

It's very close, though.

It's very close.

He's getting there.

Uh-oh.

They used to also have the Rubik's figure.

The master of Rubik's Cube knowledge, Brian Redban, our chief Rubik's Cube correspondent.

I had no idea that you had such a wealth of knowledge.

This was our video games back as a kid in the 80s.

That is true.

Redband is 51.

Oh, my God.

119.

Wow.

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Wow.

I was not expecting the crowd to be that into it when it was solved.

Glasses on, solve the Rubik's Cube.

Let's go, baby.

Amazing.

I bet you can kiss your assistant.

I'm in love with you.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks, Brian.

Wow.

JJ.

Wow.

A lady, y'all do it, glasses off.

That's impossible.

I can't read without my glasses.

What are you talking about?

It's got nothing to do with reading.

They want you to look like, you know, a special kid to all you're doing.

JJ, tell us more about you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a single guy.

As you

can see,

I'm just Austin, Texas, looking for love, man.

You have a lot of good material like you did?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

What's the longest set you think you could do?

I've done 45 minutes.

Okay.

It was not great.

Sure.

Five years later.

I got 30 rock solid.

Right, rock solid.

Okay.

And it seems like your life completely revolves around stand-up.

You're doing a lot of stuff.

A little bit.

It's a grind, for sure.

You're working hard at it?

Yes, sir.

Every day.

I'm just out just trying to get better.

That's all I can do.

Holtzman's doing some type of,

what exactly would you call that?

Use the microphone then.

Hi, honey, I'm all.

And it's been a hard day.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

Are most of the girls at Dutch Bros over 18?

Yes, sir.

Red band.

What the fuck is going on over there?

Dude, Brian's just going to pull through my line.

This is going to be terrifying, dude.

Oh, yeah.

This guy's going to come with an unsolved Rubik's cube every time.

Wow.

Yeah, what's wild about Dutch Bros is we have a button on the iPad that's a bad day button.

So if you come through and you look like you're like you're crying, we give free coffees away.

You're so overly nice there.

Is there a protocol that you have to do?

Like, oh, you have to like wink at them.

Oh, no, no.

It's just you, you just try to treat everyone with kindness, is like their whole thing.

Like, it's like, you're not touching.

You just change lives one cup at a time.

Dutch bros, sponsor me.

Let's go.

I need to quit.

Let's go.

I think they might want to sponsor you, JJ Alexander, because my friend, what I have right here in this red box is indeed a golden ticket.

You just won here

on Kill Cody.

Congratulations, my friend.

That's the real deal.

We want to see more material from you.

And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday if you want.

Hey, hi.

There you go.

He'll do the Secret Show, Red Band.

Thank you, Tony.

Thank you.

How do you feel, JJ?

Are those real tears?

You just changed my life, man.

Thank you, Tony.

Let's go.

Austin Texas, let's run, baby.

Let's go.

JJ Alexander, ladies and gentlemen.

Congrats, buddy.

Holtzman, let him go.

Let him go, Holtzman.

All that talk, he was like, all that talk, I work at Dutch Brothers, we're kind, we try to change people's lives.

Guaranteed, he's going to be a complete dick tomorrow.

Oh, yeah.

Because he is just,

he's not going to be working there much longer.

He's just like, you want to what?

Fuck you.

Suck my, suck my special needs cock.

Takes off the glasses.

Throws a Rubik's Cube at at a child, all that kind of shit.

Exactly.

His whole attitude may change.

That's how egos are born.

How does that feel for you?

How did that feel for you, just changing that kid's life?

It's awesome.

You know, when I see somebody that's up here smiling and when they seem completely funny and focused on stand-up, when he said the bunk beds thing, you know, that means that this is his life and that's exactly what he came here to do.

Big move from Colorado.

He's focused.

And we need people.

Everyone in fucking...

Everyone here is blowing up so fast.

Their fucking SNL is poaching us now.

These guys are getting offers and fucking be the next fucking late night this and everything that.

We're building monsters and he could be...

God only knows what can happen here.

He could be on Suicide Watch in a few weeks, too.

It depends on if he goes to one of your writing sessions or not.

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Prize picks.

It's good to be right.

We having fucking fun out there, huh?

Let's keep it moving along.

Anything can happen.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Fern, everybody.

Fern, everyone.

My cousin has Down syndrome.

Don't feel bad for him, though.

He got laid so much, he caught gonorrhea.

So we called him slow clap.

I like to treat pregnant women like dogs

because I'm a rubber belly.

Yes, I am.

I got two cats.

One cat's name is Abyss, because if you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss will stare back into you.

The other cat's name is Mauschwitz.

The ironic part is Mauschwitz doesn't like showers either.

I'll wrap it up there.

Very funny, Fern.

Thanks for watching.

Welcome, welcome.

Mowdy.

Hell yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About four years.

Four years.

And this is your first time on the show?

Second.

Okay.

Where are you from?

Originally Paris, Texas, but I also moved from Denver.

Okay.

How long ago was your last time on the show?

November of 23.

It was my birthday.

All right.

Very cool.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

I'm a downtown high-rise window washer.

Whoa.

Really?

That's you up there?

Yes, sir.

Holy shit.

God damn right.

You do the frost tower?

I, no.

You have different ones.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

You do that every day?

Five days a week, yes, sir.

Holy shit.

Tell us about that.

We've never had anyone that does that on this show coming up.

It's a blast.

Are you being sarcastic?

No, like, it is legitimately fun.

Hanging from ropes, swinging from left and right, you know?

Scaring the shit out of cats.

Yeah.

so you know

yeah honestly

tell us more like what's something that you've rolled i would say up on but i guess you're going down right you're rolling down because it is kind of a crazy thing right you know these condos or whatever downtown all of a sudden there's just somebody you don't ever expect and there's somebody coming from fucking yeah above scare people every day because they're like what the fuck and it's a lot of fun right what's one of the craziest things that you've seen rolling down on somebody's place?

Nothing yet.

Just a bunch of cats scared.

My coworkers have seen wild shit, but I've only been doing it for four months.

No good dude.

No, sir.

Unfortunately.

You could see cats and tits if you roll by Redband when he's naked in his condo.

Have your homies told you something that they have seen that's insane?

A lot of naked women, yeah.

Oh, that's it?

Yep.

Yeah, just pretty much it.

People are standard, high-rise.

They're chilling like Redband.

Is your cousin really special needs?

Yes, he does have Down syndrome.

I don't know if he got ever the claps, I don't know.

Really?

So he just made up a story about a slow guy getting a bunch of pussy?

Yeah.

In fact, my mom told me

about Down syndrome after the fact.

I was like, oh, shit.

Oh, well.

After the fact of what?

Me writing the joke.

Oh, wow.

You didn't know that he had Down syndrome?

I've talked to my family that much.

Wow.

You've never seen him?

like you couldn't tell by looking at them

like the kid that

neck head same size

i don't even know which cousin have you ever seen a special needs kid before yes i have they stand out motherfucker

holt wants to know what he's doing wednesday at midnight

is there a probational period in that occupation

I think it was like a 90-day probation, yeah.

It's a good union, too, isn't it?

That one's a non-union.

You were a non-union ironworker?

Yes, sir.

I was a union ironworker for five years, but I switched to high-rise window washing so I could get off the building, go to an open mic, and crush on Kiltoni again.

Amazing.

Unbelievable.

And you did.

Have you never been scared of heights your whole life?

Like, do you have like tall parents that held you or something?

I'm the guy who fell out of the two-story window when I was 15 months old.

So, no, I haven't.

I've always loved the views, and I've always taken a jump.

How did that happen?

It was hot as shit in Texas.

I'm originally from Paris, Texas, and we were in Nacogdocius apparently.

The window was up letting the breeze in.

The screen was cracked.

So when I got up on the couch, I looked over and I just kept going into the abyss.

It was a lot of fun, apparently.

Will you know my name?

Yeah, very air Clapton-esque, without a doubt.

Same joke you made last time.

Well, yeah, it's the same story.

I mean, if you, if you...

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, that's just common sense.

So, Fern,

what's the longest set you've ever done?

Uh, 10 minutes, I think.

Wow, all right, and four years in, only 10 minutes?

Yeah, I don't get a lot of spots.

Have you ever thought about running your own type of show or anything like that?

When I was an iron worker, that was working 68 hours or 58 hours in Waco.

So, I was driving, waking up at 5 a.m., not even getting back till Austin till 7 p.m., and I was still trying to hit mics.

So, running a show is just trying to get comics and everything else.

It's kind of hard.

Now,

it's true.

Holtzman is.

The rooster of excuses.

Fern, Red Band, what do you think?

He had a really great set, you remember?

Yeah.

Wow.

I mean, I've seen some of the lineups you put on on Thursdays.

Well, I just, you know, it's pretty full, but I have an eight-minute spot open.

Let's fucking go.

Perfect.

There you go.

Fern.

Yeah.

I mean, it was a great set.

Maybe it's too distant, so maybe you forgot.

Fern, just fern.

Why do you go by fern?

It's my last name.

What's your first name?

Jason.

Why do you go just by fern?

How many Jas have you met versus how many ferns have you met?

There's one right there.

Yeah.

My full name...

Wow.

Is that really?

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, Fernando.

My full name is Jason Alexander Fern, and you just had a Jason Alexander on.

That is pretty crazy.

And Jay Alexander was me and Red Band's favorite restaurant back in Columbus when we were in school.

An unbelievable prime rib sandwich with extra spicy horseradish sauce on it.

Have you heard of Jay Alexander's?

I have not, sir.

Well, now you know.

Yes, sir.

All right.

What size joke book did you get last time you were on?

Big joke book.

Well there you go.

JJ Alexander, ladies and gentlemen.

Fern.

I'm sorry, Fern.

Thank you.

Skip around.

One more time for Fern, everybody.

All right.

How exciting.

We go on and on.

Look at Heidi just hustling, picking up the yo-yo and the Rubik's Cube, replacing the old golden ticket with perhaps a new one.

I've never given out two in an episode, but anything can happen.

And now, I present to you one of the longest names I've ever read in the show's history.

This is Stephen Forrest Gump Posier, ladies and gentlemen.

Fost Gump was bullied so much and so long, he ran so far and so fast that the bullets could not keep up with False Gomp.

Farce, when are you gonna stop running?

Fost,

when, Fost, when

that night in Jenny's dormitory, I fucked the shit out of Jenny.

I was like, Say my name, say my name.

And she's like, Yo, Fost Gump.

People call you False Gump, Gump, Gumpity Gump, Gump.

Oh, yeah.

You may not know it, but I fuck like the wind blows.

Fost comp used to work for the Bila Battery Police Department.

And he said, gun, farce, gun, I took off running.

I got fired.

Anyways, life is like a box of cat shit made up to look like chocolates with a couple of chocolates mixed in.

I hate cat shit.

I guess I'm done.

All right, Stephen Forrest Gump Posier, am I saying that correctly or is it Dossier?

Dosher.

Dosher.

Fuck yeah.

So Stephen, your real name is Stephen Gump Dosher?

No, I was trying to put Forrest Gump in there.

Stephen Forrest Gump Dosher, because I know you have an affinity for Forrest Gump.

Everyone has an affair.

And I wanted you to pull me today.

Everyone has an affinity for Forrest Gump.

So, Stephen, let me ask you, how long you been doing stand-up?

Last time I did stand-up was 1986.

Wow.

For you millennials out there, that's 32 years.

For all of you that can do the math,

XNA on the math day.

Literally 39 years.

Yes, that's right, Tony.

That's absolutely correct.

I like your style.

I think you're funnier when you're not doing the wacky forest impression.

I can just tell.

Yeah, I had a regular minute for you, and I've got some stuff I really like.

You know what I want to do right now, Ian?

Is there something you want to say?

Oh, no, let's just.

I was just shocked that he had some stuff that he liked that he didn't bring.

Yeah,

here's your chance to shine.

Maybe I'll use that later.

He takes a lot of breaks.

The forest thing was adorable, and it was sweet.

But you know what I'm going to do?

I'm just going to, your real name's Stephen Dozier.

Yeah.

I'm just going to reset it.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Steven Dozier, ladies and gentlemen.

One more time for Steven.

Restart the clock.

So I've got selective Tourette syndrome, which basically means I'm just another fucking asshole.

But speaking of fucking assholes, I was getting a colonoscopy the other day.

And as I was going under the anesthesia, that's the gas that can kill you, not that hot Russian chick, which frankly I would have preferred.

Anyways, I told the crew in there, I said, hey.

If you could interview my asshole right now.

And one of the guys goes, hey, I've got a microphone.

Great, my asshole is getting ready to say something important, profound, probably poetic.

And this guy is gonna be a fucking comedian.

Thanks a lot, Tony.

Thanks a lot.

Anyways, if you could interview my asshole right now,

this is probably what my asshole would say.

Scene.

Okay,

I know everybody thinks I'm just another fucking asshole.

But the truth is, is I've got hopes, dreams, and feelings like the rest of you.

So let's get this shit over with.

All right, Steven Dozier.

So let's talk about your actual life, Steven.

I have 437 questions going on in my head.

What made you want to restart stand-up here tonight?

Well, I retired, Tony.

What did you retire from?

i was a financial advisor oh hell

making too much fucking money i love it so i decided to quit are you serious yeah they paid me to quit okay they paid me to quit but uh it's a great job i loved them and uh so they i retired and um

but yeah i was thinking about doing comedy and then i started watching kill tony and then i started writing comedy it's all your fault i know i mean i have literally got two full books of stuff I'm in up there harassing all the other people up there, telling them my bets just to see if they like it.

I wrote a bit this morning.

You what?

I wrote a bit this morning.

I'm laughing my ass off in the garage.

My cats think I'm nuts.

How many cats do you have?

I've got two cats in the garage.

I'm glad you brought that up.

I've got two cats in the garage that jump through hoops, walk tightropes, jump platforms.

They are amazing.

Wow.

They are trained.

Did you train?

I'll use strippers, but strippers are harder to, anyways.

But

no, two cats.

I trained them.

It was all accident.

Boltzmann.

Come on, Brian.

I don't want to hear about fucking cats.

You're always talking about push-ups.

What do you mean?

Didn't you...

I thought you talked to Mark Maron about this.

Wouldn't he tell you that that should be one of the main things that you talk about in all of your act?

You remind me of the guy on the airplane who needs extra help getting on.

Look at you.

You're a nightmare.

Look at this.

And you're a thief, a financial advisor.

You're a thief.

You're a fucking thief.

Let me manage your money and take...

How much percent do you take?

How much fucking percent do you take?

How did you get rich on other people's fucking money?

I'm sorry, Tony.

Oh, let me manage your money.

I can manage my own fucking money.

Look, don't sugarcoat this, okay?

Look at this, it's the world's wackiest nursing home over here.

I expect it.

I expect it from him.

I expect it from him.

It's okay.

Same thing as a realtor.

This is the bedroom.

This is the backyard.

That'll be fucking $10,000.

I know what a backyard is.

I know where a bathroom is.

Sell it yourself.

Sell your fucking house yourself.

Steven, were you ever married or anything?

Oh, yeah, I was married for about nine years.

Lost my wife

where'd you lose her at?

She passed away.

Okay.

Party time.

How long ago was that?

15.

15 years.

15 years ago.

Okay.

That must have been hard, huh?

Probably took her life.

Okay, hold.

You guys are going to be arguing later when you're playing Jinrummy with each other or whatever the hell.

When you guys are playing chess at the park against each other.

just went up.

I love it.

How did she die, Stephen?

She committed s ⁇ .

She really did?

Oh, my God.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Sorry, D.

It's okay.

It happens.

You know, things happen.

Oh, my God.

That must have been so hard.

Brian's so.

Stephen's having fun.

We're having fun.

That's okay.

That's okay.

It's okay.

You know, life has been good since then.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's been helpful.

Exactly.

That's been helpful.

Hell yeah.

That's it.

That's all it takes.

Comedy has helped.

That's right.

Absolutely.

A lot.

I like your song.

A whole lot.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fucky, fuck, fuck a lot.

Where do you live now, Stephen?

I'm in the Conroe Willis area.

North of Houston.

Okay, perfect.

No, I'm not there.

I don't look like I come from Houston.

What?

I missed that one.

How old are you, Stephen?

I'll be 64 in May.

Wow.

That's it?

Y'all look good.

I haven't been out in the sun a lot.

I haven't been out in the sun a lot.

Okay.

You look a little bit older than you are.

Maybe it's the king or something like that.

Thank you.

I older.

I thought you were going to cut me some slag, give me some youngerness.

It's like I'm 35 years old, Tony.

You don't like it when people lie.

Holtzman, how old are you?

I'm 35.

Maybe I should have said 35.

No, you're good, Stephen.

What else, other than training your cats?

You know, I had my book with me, and I had 15 top 15 things to tell you.

I built a clock.

I built a marble clock.

It took me six years.

I just built it.

His wife probably.

No, Holtzman.

Stop.

He's talking about cats and all sorts of, you know.

He makes very dark jokes.

I know.

I watch this guy.

I love it.

I love it.

Well, you're in the eye of the storm right now.

Oh, we're good.

We're good.

How do you make a marble clock?

You like chip away at it?

I know.

I just, I just, no, I cut it up with

the saw, of course, but I started it.

It's like a big chess piece.

And then I'm like, you know.

I've come this far.

I might as well go a little further.

And then I built a little hobbit thing underneath it that encloses it.

And it's...

You guys seem bored.

I'm so intrigued by this guy.

The panel is literally just gasping and fucking.

I've never met an Amish person before.

Hey, I do like to cut.

Yeah, yeah, well,

I made my own clock.

It is.

It is very odd.

What the fuck?

Your facial hair and your hobbies.

It's a human clock.

It is unbelievable.

We have an eclectic night.

Nobody's ever made one of them.

I'm going to check in with our chief correspondent.

Nobody wants to hear old people talk.

Next, you're gonna tell us they took a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck.

Wow.

That's a fucking bumper sticker.

Take a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck.

BrianHoltzman.com.

We show it every Thursday at 10 p.m.

here in the Fat Man, Holtzman and Friends.

It's unbelievable.

IanBag.com, he's on tour.

You're sweet as I said tour.

One more question for you.

I know this interview is going too long,

but I just find you to be intriguing as hell.

You know, you're 60-something, you look 80-something.

You lived a whole life.

I find it all so intriguing.

You ever have kids?

No, no kids.

No kids.

We were going to have kids.

What's your secret to not having kids?

I pull out.

I pull out very quickly.

Pull out.

Very good.

I love it.

And give me one more crazy fun fact about your life.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

So the top, the top, well, I already told you the top two things.

Well, there's a third thing.

Oh,

uh-oh.

You gotta put a couple drums in the back of the bag.

Wait, what do you what is it, Stephen?

Well, I'm just co-economic.

What are you doing?

Whoa.

You play the drums, Steven?

You really do?

You play the drums?

Really?

Are you serious?

Should we have a Mexican drum up here?

Oh

my God.

It's been a long time.

Michael Gonzalez.

It's kind of tough to get back there, Steven.

It's a tight squeeze, but

there you go.

Come on in there, Steven.

The first ever Mexican drum off where a guy has to lean his cane up against the wall.

This is kill Tony history right now.

Now, some of you might be new to the show.

I see some tables of ladies out here and girlfriends that look like they've been kidnapped and dragged here.

So if you don't know, a Mexican drum off is legendary on this show.

It is when somebody that pulled out of the bucket, knows how to play the drums, gets to do a drum solo here live, completely improvised, on the spot.

They had no idea what the drums set would wait.

Steven, relax.

Steven, relax.

You're like one of your fucking cats in the garage right now.

Chill out over there.

So here's how it works.

He does a drum solo, and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo.

The crowd decides who their favorite was.

If Steven wins, and it's never happened before, the resident drummer on this show, I think, is about all time 67-0 against

the bucket pool drummer.

But if he happens to win, he will become the brand new resident drummer on Kill Tony.

Michael Gonzalez will have to, they have to switch lives.

So, Michael will be locked in a garage with cats running through hoops.

And Steven will be here every Monday while Michael cat sits for him.

You don't know if cats...

What?

Right, I agree.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo.

This is a Mexican drum up, and this is Steven Dozier.

Wow!

Wow, Steven Dosher!

I don't know if you guys know anything about percussion, or I'm sure you don't have an angle at it, but this motherfucker was just working the double bass pedals back here.

The musicians got very excited.

I happen to notice it as well.

Stephen's putting up quite the fucking fight here.

He might actually be 25, just dressed up with prosthetics.

Fucking brought out the cane, trying to play dumb over here.

Someone's playing possum.

He's trying to get a full-time job on this show.

The bad news is, Steven, stay there.

Steven, stay there for right now while Michael plays so that the camera can get him.

Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, undefeated resident drummer.

This is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Holy shit!

A true battle of the Titans, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, well, well, this is the part where you decide how many of you have Steven Dozier winning that competition.

Oh, shit.

How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

Yeah, no doubt about it.

They'll still argue online, I'm sure.

But 100%,

you could agree that Michael just slightly edged you out there, right, Steven?

He's warmed up.

Oh, shit.

This motherfucker.

Oh, my God.

I like your style, Stephen.

I love people of all different shapes and sizes coming in here and fucking playing around, Ian.

Can I suggest for your stand-up that maybe it's behind a drum kit?

It's been that way before.

You should do it that way.

I'm not being a dick, but you'll go farther.

Yes, you are.

How often do you come down here?

How many times have you signed up, Stephen?

This is my first time.

First First time ever.

I was the first one at Shakespeare's at noon today.

You were there at noon.

Look at you, you badass mother.

My brother is,

he built a nice house up in Georgetown, and I called him yesterday.

I said, hey, I'm coming up to go and kill Tony.

I'm going to come by and see you.

And he's like, you're not because I'm in Alaska.

Okay, I'm going to Shakespeare's at noon.

Well, there you go.

Well, look at that.

All that energy and manifesting.

It got you here.

It's all your fault.

I have literally written two two books of material because of you I love it I love it watching I started watching kill Tony I was already thinking about doing comedy when I retired yeah but I started watching kill tony like in March and then I started writing in May and I've literally written two books I wrote something this morning I like a lot okay let's hear what you wrote this morning this well you know how women have that little ring in their nose

well back in my day we would do that with the hogs on the farm we'd put the ring in the nose on the hogs so they wouldn't root out under the fence i guess a couple couple these bitches got out

hey you son of a bitch

you son of a bitch

steven i'll tell you what why don't you uh come back in a few weeks or something and uh and play uh

and play drums on the pre-show play a song or two with the boys

i almost brought my electronic kit with me tonight because you're always talking about how don't come up here unprepared and I look for a whole fucking drum kit.

I've got three drum kits.

I got one I'm trying to give away.

Wow, look at this guy.

I got to stop buying some.

Sounds like the wife was insured.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

These dead wife jokes are coming in hot, Steven.

I love that you're laughing at him.

You have a great fucking sense of humor.

You're a hell of a fucking sport.

Thank you so much.

And here,

Steven, here's the big joke book, buddy.

I know you got your hands full.

You ready for it?

Oh, damn it, son of a bitch.

One more time, how loud can this place get for Steven Docher, everybody?

You fucking did it, buddy.

Have a great night.

There he goes.

How exciting.

Long interview.

Long one.

You deserve it, Steven.

There he goes.

All right.

All right, listen up, nacho chips.

Quiet down, crispy potatoes.

This is the moment Velveeta's been preparing you for, and you're not about to crack under pressure.

Today's the day to go all in on the drip.

Velveeta's heat and eat queso is the MVP of any game day spread, so stick by them, and you'll be golden.

Now get out there and make delicious history.

No tailgate party is complete without Velveeta.

Hey, this is Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast here to help you make the most of your summer with Michelo Vultra, Ultra, a superior light beer worth playing for.

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Enjoy responsibly.

Copyright 2025 Anheuser-Busch Michelob Ultra Light Beer, St.

Louis, Missouri.

We're going to keep it.

You guys still having fun out there?

I thought so.

Your next bucket pull, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going by the name of Tommy Tickles, everyone.

It's Tommy Tickles.

Uh-oh, we know Tommy's back.

So it's for Tommy Tickles, everyone.

Y'all might have guessed that I'm an amateur taxidermist.

I'm an amateur because nobody's paying me to kill and stuff all these cats.

Especially not my dickhead neighbors.

I'm not a very good negotiator.

When I first met the future Mrs.

Tickles,

I was like, I like to have sex when I wake up in the morning.

I like to have sex before I go to bed at night.

And on the weekends, I like to have sex three or four times a day.

And she was like,

How about a blowjob on your birthday?

Okay.

14 blow jobs later and I'm still married

I always pay my bills maybe

not on time

I've never re-negged on a bet

I did give fucked by a black guy twice

Down at the dog track

I always pay my debts.

I'm not a re-nigger.

If anybody were to call me a re-nigger, I would be pissed.

What the fuck did you just say?

Hold on, Jill.

We're gonna go.

Oh, whoa, Joe, what the fuck?

The little things.

Carlos Sosa and that sax with the bum ba bum

God has the funniest timing in the world.

Deep madness coming back from a pee break after an old white man says the n-word a couple times.

What did you say?

If you don't pay your bets, then you re-neg on your bets.

Right.

And I've always paid my bets.

Okay.

All right, don't repeat it again.

I get it.

It actually checks out.

Technically, that makes sense.

That's a loophole, if I bet you.

That is a loophole.

That is a loophole.

Leave it to an old country man to find a loophole.

Even if you call me a renigga.

You're calling it John Dee's.

I wouldn't know what you meant.

I would know what you meant.

I'd be pissed.

The blacks have ruled it allowed.

After review of the play.

The call on the field has been overturned.

Tommy Tickles is safe.

Pay my bills.

Wow.

My goodness.

I should have wacky ways to get racial slurs out there, too, instead of just doing them straight up.

I used to think it was a racial slur, but somebody told me that's not how you spell it.

My God, how many times did he write it down before he found out?

Yeah,

what tombstone did you chisel it on?

Here lies a...

Let's check in with our senior racial slur correspondent, Brian Holtzman.

I didn't hear anything derogatory about anything.

Tommy Tickles, look at you.

What a character.

It is adorable adorable old man Knight here at the Comedy Mothership.

Back to back, the world's wackiest fucking nursing home.

I don't know if you guys remember the movie Cocoon, but this is what's happening here tonight.

Yeah,

I know.

That's a reference you would make.

Tommy, how old are you?

I'm 51.

51 is the thing I just read.

Why do the people that sign up for the show look so old?

All right, all right.

You look fantastic, bud.

Don't let them put you down.

No.

Why do you look so old?

How many of your wives have killed themselves?

All of them.

I've been married 14 years.

Happily married.

Amazing.

Amazing.

How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom, Tommy Tickles?

All right.

I got a few.

Okay.

Wow.

TV is ready.

There's a, you know, you've got your cookie, which is the easy, but you know, if you're going to prepare, you might as well set the mood with a little music or whatever.

And, you know, don't have anything funny on TV.

Hell yeah.

Cats, you know, make sure your cats and your dogs are outside or whatever.

Okay.

I have a position for you.

Like, when you're going down on a lady, on a lady.

Yeah.

Yeah, guys, give me some good going down on a lady horn music.

Here we go.

Keep going.

Tommy, make sure you talk right into the tip of the hand.

And

you normally have the butt cheeks in this hand.

You switch this hand over to the other butt cheek so that you can play around right here.

That's my little secret.

You can call it the Tommy Tickle.

Holtzman's writing it down.

Hand switched to the other butt cheek.

Just like that.

You got the butt cheek right there, and then you got this right here.

It's the crossover.

Crossover.

Wow.

Tommy Tickles.

Take that home.

The Cunnalingus Crossover, written by Tommy Tickles.

And I like to keep things

nice.

And so we started using organic lubricant.

And my favorite, if you want to know.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, we do.

All of the oil?

That's what I was going to say.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Holtzman's never used lube on anything in his life.

This is a dry, this guy goes dry jerky, dry rub.

Sandpaper.

What's your favorite kind of lube, Tommy Tickle?

Come to Tommy Tickles2025 on Instagram, and I'll show you what my favorite.

I will show you the product.

It's called VW Coconut Oil, and it's distributed right here in Austin.

Wow.

Holy shit.

There's a guy back there that just loves a locally made product no matter

what.

Someone just lost their mind back there.

Yeah.

He's already sponsored.

I think so.

Tommy Tickle.

Cocoa.

I go with the other hand.

That's where it's at.

Yeah.

Sometimes I go this way, sometimes I go that way.

You're gonna need some help

Tommy Tickles.

You've been on this show before.

You got a big joke book before.

That's correct.

There you go.

Then you already got it.

There he goes, Tommy Tickles.

On to the next one we go.

On to the next one.

On to the next one.

It's the great Jay-Z that once said the words.

On to the next one.

And so we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull is Jeremia Bishop.

Jeremiah.

Oh, the Killtoni debut of Jeremiah Bishop, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, guys?

So I just celebrated four months of sobriety.

The proper response is to bow.

I'm better than you.

No, but I had to get sober.

I loved cocaine way too much.

Can we just at least agree cocaine is the gayest drug you can do?

Because how's it gonna start?

Me and you, sir.

We're gonna get a bag.

We go to the bathroom, we pray nobody finds us.

How does it end?

Six o'clock in the morning.

We're gonna talk about our hopes, our dreams, our goals, our aspirations.

How we would love to open a beautiful little breakfast nook in Wisconsin.

We might as well just suck each other's cocks at that point.

It would be way less gay.

All right, 46 seconds of thunder from Jeremiah.

Hell yeah, Jeremiah, grab that microphone.

That was the weirdest AA opening I've ever had.

Hi, my name's.

I like to stop talking open graphics impact.

Jeremiah, let the games begin, my friend.

How old are you?

34.

34.

Wow, just take note.

He's only about 14 years younger than the last two guys that were out there.

It's unbelievable.

Okay, how long you been sober?

Off cocaine for four months okay what do you what how did you do it how did you go no cocaine uh

trying to quit hanging out on sixth street drinking so much honestly all right and that's what did it yeah yeah yeah it's uh so how low how low did it get how bad was it at one point um before i moved out here i was like uh homeless i used to uh where were you at then Florida.

Oh, yeah.

What part of Florida?

Polk County, baby.

Okay, there it is.

Represent.

This is what they look like there.

Gross Malone.

Smelly roll.

I like jelly rolling the pipe.

All right.

Jeremiah, what do you do for work?

Exactly, are you a barback?

I do pick up shifts at Shakespeare's.

Boom.

But

I work in customer relations for a telecommunications company.

Okay, so you are on the phone headset?

Absolutely.

Okay, how long you been doing that for?

About four years.

Alright, very good.

And these face tattoos, when did you start doing that exactly?

I got my first one at 19.

Which one was that?

That'd be the anchor.

What made you get an anchor on your face at 19?

Mike Ness from Social Distortions, pretty cool.

Okay.

Do you play music or something?

Fuck no, this is all I can do.

And you just decided I'm going to start.

What's the red ink under the left eye?

Broken with broken heart for the O.

Wow.

And what made you get that one?

Exactly.

What did you do the night before you decided to get that one?

What do you have to do to your dopamine serotonin receptors exactly?

Where you go, ah, you know what?

I'm just going to permanently just let everyone fucking know.

Cocaine.

Right.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, go ahead.

Still got jewelry, though.

I don't know how bad the cocaine hack was.

I don't know how real the jewelry is.

The tattoos are real.

That jewelry is straight up fucking quarter grab machine shit, right?

Oh, no, this is legitimate, but I didn't buy it.

It was passed down to me.

Okay.

That's the first shit you sell when you're doing cocaine.

Yeah.

I hated grandma.

Let's fucking burn this shit.

I thought it was fake for sure.

I didn't even think those were tattoos.

I just thought it was the jewelry bleeding green shit all over his body.

What do you do for fun?

Now that you're not getting wasted and having late nights.

I mean, hiking, camping, pretty much anything outdoors.

Wow.

Four months?

I'm outdoorsy now.

Well, I used to be homeless, so, you know, it's just

living the past.

Tell us about your life as a homeless person.

Tell us about your tricks to survival or some crazy lows or some things that you saw or had to do.

Well, I always did the hobosexual thing, you know?

Nope, we don't know.

What does that mean?

It's where you sleep with somebody for a place to stay.

Okay, tell us about that.

Well, see, I always fucked up up because I would never get like a girl that had her own stuff going on.

It was always some gal that had a couple sugar daddies.

I called it trickle-down dichonomics.

Not real.

That was real.

Doesn't sound real.

No, it doesn't real.

I think this kid lives in a rich house with rich parents.

Did you have rich parents?

I do get a rich parents vibe from you.

Like you were the renegade.

You wanted to, no, fuck you, mom and dad.

I want to show you.

And then they're like, well, no, you're not.

No, no, my parents were okay.

Not super well off.

I mean, we only have three bathrooms.

Yeah.

Did they have three bathrooms?

No, no, no.

Two bathrooms.

Yeah.

Outdoor shower?

No.

Brian Holtzman.

Quite frankly, I have

nothing to say to you.

I am completely uncomfortable just being on the same stage with this

it.

I mean, the tattoos are okay, but I mean, the metal products, I mean, why don't you go in the back and blow the guy who was playing the drums?

I mean, this is, this is, this is,

this is fucked up.

I'd rather have a Helen Keller lookalike up here.

So,

for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps, he does have the big gauge earrings, and you have a piercing.

What do you call that part of the human body?

that'd be your filtrum your filtrum yes sir all right and what made you decide to get that pierced just above the upper lip social distortion

fucking catch a little bit of the cocaine you know so

all right but seriously

i don't know just thought it looked good

okay you have other crazy shit pierced or tattooed uh you might love this one tony

it's your dick i have my dick tattooed uh-huh

with sean michaels logo Wow.

That is incredible.

Prince Albert or

Tattoo.

It's a tattoo.

I know, me too.

Like the hearts one?

Yeah, Broken Heart says HBK above it.

It says HBK.

Now, did you think that you'd find your dream girl or something?

There's a guy that really wants to see it out there.

I'd imagine if...

It's online.

We're online.

Where can people find this at?

You can find

a guy that thinks you luck.

Show us that hog.

Show us that hog.

No.

No.

Kino.

Go back to normal lighting, Kino.

Yeah, you can find it on Twitter.

Daddy DickWolf on Twitter.

It's out there.

Daddy Dick Wolf, everybody.

For those of you, for that guy, for those of you that are interested in seeing it, you can find it there.

Here's a anything else for what's your worst decision in life?

That's a great...

Wait a second.

What the fuck?

Is this you?

Holy fuck, we found it.

Wait a second.

Hold on a second.

What exactly are you doing here?

What is happening?

What are you doing?

Wait a second.

Hold on.

Spin it back around.

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?

I gotta make money somehow, Tony.

You make money from jerking off?

Yeah, yeah.

I like him now.

Jesus Christ Almighty.

Oh, my God.

How could you not mention this on a fucking interview?

It's been eight minutes, and now you find out that you stroke a cock for a living.

Telecommunications with a headset.

Yeah, fucking right, you creep.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually for money?

For money?

I mean like this way.

I know when you were homeless you probably butt-fucked a fucking trucker or something.

No, for money, just shot content.

Nothing crazy.

But the question would be when you say shot content, what's the most shocking thing you've ever done?

You told us your Twitter handle like we were going to see your dick maybe.

And it turns out you're doing everything we just saw you pissing Stroking it double stroke two hand up and down

the old toilet plunge fucking motion

And how do you not talk about that during your fucking second?

That's what I'm saying.

It's incredible I used to do cocaine.

No fuck you couldn't watch me jack off

stage.

That's what you should be talking about.

I don't have anything that's a minute about that.

I got I got a couple of sets.

I got 12 minutes of it

My friend since you did 46 seconds and it was okay, here's a little joke.

Oh, now, right off his dick, into the front row.

That book just caught chlamydia.

There he goes, Jeremiah Bishop, everybody.

Holy cow.

Holy cow is right.

Crazy.

Brian, you ever do that kind of shit?

Yeah, I did it, but I was in England at the time.

This is definitely, I'm pretty sure, a new name.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hell's Bells, everybody.

Hell's Bells.

Hello, hello.

So, just a little bit about me.

I'm a quirky person and have a very big habit of making an awkward situation much more awkward.

For example, when I went back to school, I went to school with this guy named Alex.

Alex came back from summer break as Alexa.

So a bunch of us decided we were going to take Alexa out for lunch and celebrate this new transition.

Well, our heterosexual young man server was really having a hard time with this.

Alexa, bless her heart, was really trying to make the situation a little bit more lighthearted.

She leans in to the table for for the rest of us and says in her high-pitched voice, you know, I'd really like to just ask him,

Can I have a cup of water, please?

The rest of the table just laugh tails off.

What do I say?

You don't have the balls!

Leave it to me.

Awkward situation.

Hell's Bells, everybody.

Hell's Bells.

Welcome, Hell's Bells.

Did you see the cock on the last guy?

I heard.

Hell's Bells.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Right now.

This is your first time.

Very good.

There you go.

That makes sense.

There you go.

That makes sense.

So,

how, can I ask you how old you are, Hells Bells?

51.

51.

Okay, very good.

Actually, one of the youngest people on the show tonight.

What have you been doing with your life up until this point?

What made you you want to start stand up here tonight?

Well, I'm dating a young man.

How young?

He is 10 years younger than me.

Ooh, look at you.

Yes.

Does he have face tattoos?

He is a big fan of your show.

Uh-huh.

And so I've started watching your show and I, you know, became a fan.

Okay.

Where'd you meet this young buck at?

A soccer game.

What kind of soccer game?

A San Antonio soccer game.

Oh, he's Latino?

He is Latino.

He is Latino.

Found yourself a little fucking.

Well, you wouldn't know it.

He looks like a redhead like me.

Sure, yeah.

I bet we would never know he's Latino.

Yeah.

There's no way the world's greatest ice agent would walk right by him.

Yeah, totally.

Totally hell's bells.

So

you

have money.

How do you have money?

I know you have money because you're dating a 41-year-old Latino boy that's fucking the shit out of you for exactly that reason.

So how did you come across this newfound wealth?

Wow.

I'm a nurse.

I work for my money.

I don't actually have money.

I work my tail end off.

Okay, well, looks like you still have a lot of tail there.

I don't think you've worked it off just yet.

What kind of nurse are you?

I'm a registered nurse.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

I love it.

Is that because of the younger guys, like a sex-offender registered nurse?

Yeah.

She has to go to Kinsiniera's and introduce herself to the...

She's not supposed to be that close to the soccer field.

So tell us more about your life.

What else has been going on?

Well, an interesting thing is we came from the same part of Ohio.

Oh, what part are you from?

Newton Falls.

Okay, yeah, I know.

Graceville, actually.

Okay.

Or all fours, Newton Falls.

So, Niles, all that.

Yeah.

I know it all.

Very well.

How long were you?

Where do you live now?

Fredericksburg.

Ooh, okay.

All right.

And what type of life are you living out there?

What do you...

What does that look like?

You live by yourself?

Yes, with my son.

He's 20.

Okay.

I work from home.

I do a lot of community things.

You're an at-home registered nurse.

I paid my dues, trust me.

I worked the shifts.

I've done all that stuff.

I now am an advocate, and I have 28 patients.

Wow.

Amazing.

Incredible.

Okay.

What do they come to your house?

What are you talking about?

I call them.

It's all telemedicine.

What is it?

Telemedicine.

So you're lazy.

You want to work from home?

Hence the big ass.

No, I'm very impressed with your figure.

I like women that are just natural.

Fuck working out.

Fuck exercising.

Fuck saying no to an extra piece of cake perhaps.

Oh my god.

Never missed a meal in her whole fucking life.

She's Okay.

I'm going to finish that piece of steak.

All right, all right, all right.

Being a nurse, I mean, come on.

Okay.

Do you use like a filter when you're talking to your patients?

Do you use like a catfish like filter so that they're getting good?

I can't tell if you're laughing or crying.

I really hope you're laughing right now.

I am definitely laughing.

Perfect, great, awesome.

I got to be honest with you.

It's the first time doing stand-up and she decides to do it here.

Yeah.

That's fucking amazing.

It really is.

That's stupid.

It really is.

You're out of control.

Like,

you don't plan things well.

Yeah.

We actually hate that.

And I'm not crying.

Turns out you do have bigger balls than Alex after all.

Well, Hells Bells, congratulations.

You got your start.

Here's a little joke book.

You're going to catch it?

It's coming at you.

I'm going to get it right in that hand.

Oh, you panicked, Hells Bell.

That's why she likes soccer players.

Yeah, exactly.

At least I didn't panic earlier.

I should have kicked it to you.

And I want to say thank you for your service, medical professionals, you know.

Thank you.

One more time for Hell's Bells, everybody.

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All right, we're keeping it moving along here.

This young man has been on the show multiple times, always funny.

Let's see what the new minute looks like from JP Hinsdale, everybody.

Make some noise for JP, everyone.

How's everybody else's bipolar MAC depression going?

Fuck yeah, let's do this shit.

See a lot of couples in the audience.

What's up?

I'm single.

Shut the fuck up.

I'll jump.

Okay?

I warned you.

No, man, it's if you are with somebody, stay.

Like, stay where you are.

I'm out here in the wilderness.

There's nothing out here for you.

It's just darkness on the edge of town.

I was out with a girl recently, and she said, if you're lucky, I'll give you herpes tonight.

I had to tell her I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment.

I don't have health insurance.

It's not okay, Cupid.

That was my time.

Thank you.

Hell yeah.

One more time for Hell's Bells with a Beard.

I'm kidding.

JP Hinsdale is back.

Funny stuff.

What did you start with?

Bipolar?

What did you say?

Bipolar manic depression.

You got that?

Yes.

Wow.

Look at you.

That's like your fourth or fifth biggest problem, JP.

It's not even in the top 10, but let's go with it.

I love it.

One could say you're a bipolar bear.

Yeah.

I bring the beef.

How do you deal with it when you're at your low lows?

We know you're not hiking or walking or anything.

No.

So what is it exactly?

I was swimming, but the sea betrayed me, Tony.

Yes, it did.

They kept you in a tank at SeaWorld.

Yeah.

Your dorsal fin went soft.

The kids stopped coming to see me.

I couldn't splash anyone.

Right.

It made me very sad.

This is white fish.

Yeah, I got a clog in my blowhole.

It was.

You literally do like.

You do look like you haven't taken a shit in a year.

Little do you know that's mostly what I do

What do you like to do when you're sitting on the toilet?

How do you kill the time?

I'm just wondering when I'm gonna have my Elvis moment

Like fame

Yeah, you're talking about eating another peanut butter and banana sandwich Sure marrying a 15-year-old

Let's check in with our senior

obese handler correspondent, Brian Holtzman.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

I think what happened here, and I've mentioned this to a friend before, I hope I'm not being accused of repeating myself, but I think what happened here,

your gym burnt down, didn't it?

Close.

It gave me an infection.

Jesus.

Wow.

What do you mean?

That's why

I told you the sea betrayed me, Tony.

It was actually the pool at an LA Fitness.

Keep going.

Yeah.

It got like really infected.

I guess I had a cut or something because they didn't clean the pool right.

And then I like, I got really, I got sick in a weird way.

Can you explain to us the weird way that you got sick?

I got crazy delusional.

And I had a show that night.

And

I got an argument with my friend that didn't make any sense and I jumped out of the car in the middle of the highway which was that was on the way to the show so that was the first clue and then I was going doing the show and I had this bit because my friend's show was called Big Dog Sundays and I had I happened to have a dog sex mask

yeah that's normal go ahead I could explain it to you but it really doesn't matter okay yeah and so I had this bit like I go up there with the mask and not explain it but I take it off eventually but I left left the mask on the entire set

and people did not like it okay we get we got a little off track here we were talking about the infection from the pool at LA fitness then I got back to the house and our AZ was out but I was like freezing cold your AZ was out my my AC okay my AZ AZ okay

but yeah and like I was like I had chills and they were like talking to each other trying to figure out if they should call the ambulance but I don't have health insurance so that was kind of the thing and then for a while there I couldn't walk for like a week because it just like my leg was just that fucked up so what did they say that you had I had I got an infection in my leg I never went to the doctor I just got better eventually I kept pouring nope you still got a fever bud

because I'm lost during this fucking conversation you never went to the doctor dude I broke my leg and never went to the doctor you know me we've done this like that's why the legs fucked up in the first place dude you have to go to the doctor sometimes I would like to When's the last time you've been to a doctor?

It's been a minute.

Okay.

It's been a minute.

How many minutes?

How many years?

Two.

Okay.

It's not that bad.

What did they say last time you were there?

Come back more often?

It's just like it got into a question about with the leg.

They told me they had to break it again and put pins in it to make it right again.

And I couldn't take off time to do that.

And then I just eventually got used to it, and then I was just like, you know what?

I don't want to do

take off time from what?

I want to do this, so I do this.

What'd you say, Ian?

Take off time from what?

Take off time from what?

I was a mechanic.

Oh, yeah.

What are you now?

Nothing.

How do you make money?

I have my ways.

When you say ways, do you mean W-E-I-G-H-S?

Okay, some people like some very specific videos and no.

Look it up.

Look it up.

I'm talking about you.

Fuck it.

Look his up.

Hey, don't.

Look up Johnny Sepsis.

Red Man, we're friends.

Red Man, come on, buddy.

Have we weighed you before on this show?

Please don't.

I just started a diet.

I'm not ready to kill myself.

Do you remember what you weighed last time?

A lot.

Do you remember what you weighed?

What was it?

430.

430.

Yeah.

Can we bring this scale out here real quick?

I know, man.

It's gonna be bad.

I know.

That's why I'm excited right now.

Skinniest girl ever bring.

The lovely Heidi is setting up the scale right now.

Here we go.

JP Hinsdill.

Heidi.

You got eyes on that?

Can you give me a read?

Lean on him.

What is it?

445.4 pounds.

Yeah.

JP.

Yeah.

What the fuck, dude?

What are you doing?

We need to save your life right now.

I know.

I don't know.

I'm trying.

Yeah.

Okay.

Jay, the last two.

Yeah, dates, man.

JP, the last two times you've been on, you've had really depressing fucking material.

Like, that's not normal that you used to have.

Are you going through like depression, like, hardcore?

Red band.

Have you been paying attention to that?

No, I know one thing that's been happening.

Did you ever have like medication for it?

And like, you've gotten it?

No.

What are you talking about?

That's the worst question.

Literally, the whole set and interview we've been talking about.

It could be seasonal depression.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It has to either be winter, summer, fall.

Is there a doctor in here that might want to take this case?

Is there a doctor in the house?

Clap your hands if you're an actual doctor.

Is that an actual doctor?

Or just some dumb bitch clapping for no reason?

Yeah, there you go.

I used to talk to my therapist every other week, but I lost the coverage I did have.

Don't lose too much weight, because I'll tell you, and this is true for everybody here, the fatter your head, the smaller your ears look.

That's great advice.

It is.

Thank you.

And everybody's great little ears, doesn't he, though?

Yeah.

Because as we get older, your ears keep growing.

That's why you see old people with big ass fucking ears, big fucking noses, because the cartilage in your ears and in your nose, they keep growing.

This is such a great advice.

Don't lose too much.

I really appreciate it.

You're like the grandpa that used to drink in front of me.

Thank you.

Let's check in with the great Ian bag.

Apparently, there is a doctor here.

Dr.

Holtzman.

Dr.

Holtzman.

Dr.

Here is small.

You have such an adorable.

You have such an adorable giggle.

Thank you.

It's going to play so well in the In Memoriam video.

Yeah.

Not the first to say that.

Well, I bet.

That's not a good sign.

I bet that's your two friends this month.

Still here.

Okay.

That wasn't funny.

I'm sorry.

That was me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, shit.

This is bad.

Like, in

fact, everybody.

Come on.

All right.

Yeah, there we go.

Okay, JP.

Well,

let me just tell you that you use the code space80 at talkspace without a doubt.

Go to talkspace.com/slash Tony.

Enter promo code Space80.

And you, my friend, can literally get $80 off your first month.

We love Talkspace, man.

Yeah, we love TalkSpace, and you should, too.

I'm glad I was here for this.

You really touched me with your targeted ads.

Thank you.

JP Hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Put the mic back where you found it there, JP.

It's the least you could do there.

All right, I guess that's not really the spot, but okay.

Guess that's just how he lives life.

Just

well,

you guys ready for one last bucket pull, huh?

All right, we'll make it quick.

Make some noise for Isaac Butterfield, everybody.

Isaac Butterfield.

Here he is.

Ah, good day, Austin.

How are you?

Fantastic to be here.

I tell you what, I'm learning a lot about this beautiful city.

It's fantastic.

It's gorgeous.

I was walking down 6th Street.

I saw a lady on her back and I saw her pussy.

That was fantastic.

Wonderful to see.

I tell you what, though, she was like, though, full legs spread.

I felt like I was in Dallas, though.

It was an interesting pussy.

It looked like JFK's exit wound.

It was full on.

It was...

No, it was.

It was crazy.

There was a big old flap going over a Waymo.

I saw Jackie Kennedy chasing.

It was fantastic, wonderful, great.

Although I've been hearing some, I know this is a very progressive town, sir, with your pink hair, fantastic, good stuff.

Very progressive.

I saw that Barbie recently released a Down syndrome Barbie doll, which is very, very interesting.

There was a lot of other Barbie dolls as well.

There was a black Barbie doll.

There was an Asian Barbie doll.

There was a Barbie doll in a wheelchair.

That was a cross-promotion with Hot Wheels, which is interesting.

But the Down syndrome Barbie doll was my favourite.

It had this,

It was expensive.

I wouldn't buy it personally.

Just put the regular Barbie doll in the microwave for 25 seconds.

You get the same result.

That's my

thinking.

Hello, Brian.

How are you?

You're well, sir.

You're going Isaac.

Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome, Isaac.

Good to see you, sir.

First time on the show, correct?

Thank you.

How are you?

First time here?

Yes, first time on Kiltoni.

It's great to be here.

From what I hear backstage, you guys have been a fucking fantastic crowd.

So good on you, thank you.

Look at this stuff.

Look at you trying to get them on your...

What are you running for governor or something?

Hello.

Isaac.

Do you live here in America?

I do not.

I'm from Australia.

Oh, okay.

From

Newcastle.

So kangaroo, echidna, etc.

There you go.

Well, welcome, welcome.

How long you been doing stand-up?

11 years.

11 years.

Quite a while, yeah.

How long have you been in Austin?

For about a week and a half, so it's good.

I'm never coming back in summer.

This is atrocious.

Jesus Christ.

It is is a warm around here.

So this is your second time signing up for the show?

Yeah, I was here last week, and

Tony always talks about on Kill Tony about the amount of people that sign up.

But there is a huge amount of people next door.

And

it's an incredible thing that you and Brian have done.

So congratulations to you two.

Thank you very much.

Not cock too much.

Thank you.

No, it's good.

It's good to be here.

Go ahead, Brian.

Why don't you just suck everybody off up here?

Suck the blind guy off, too.

No, D-Madness, famously the most homophobic person on this stage.

Right, like I literally just said no.

Isaac, what do you do for work?

I'm a comedian, so I'm a comedian from Australia and

tour and all that type of stuff.

I'd make YouTube videos as well.

So, yeah.

I love it.

Tell us something crazy about your life.

I have paratismal dyskinesia.

Big fan?

Yeah, which is a movement disorder where I lose control of my head and my neck and I go blind in my left eye.

Fucking.

How dare you, Brian?

How dare you?

Wait, when does this happen?

How often does this happen?

Rarely,

but my biggest fear is it happening on stage.

So I actually wink quite a bit when I'm on stage.

It's like a noob.

That's crazy because I noticed that.

I thought you just winked at Dee Bandness after he said no.

And I thought you were trying to be funny But now that you mention it I see you just wink a lot with your left eye.

I do I do it's very weird.

I don't when you say you lose control of your head and neck can you like do an act out of kind of what it looks like like what happens when you have I would be honored

Basically yeah turn the lights up.

That'll fucking help

I basically imagine trying to look behind yourself to see what's there.

That's it like that and I go blind in my left eye, which is awesome.

So bright lights aren't great for me, which is just fucking.

But it's okay.

So it hasn't happened on stage yet, but there is time, and that would be great for views.

Absolutely.

No doubt about it.

You got nothing going on compared to the last guy.

Yeah, exactly.

Good luck with your blindness.

You should walk and talk to him afterwards.

I could tell you had it better than the last guy when you said your diagnosis.

Yo, he had an actual name of anything.

Just like, it was an infection, Tony.

It was an infection.

I don't know.

It was an infection.

It was an infection.

Diabetes causes blindness eventually, right?

What does?

Diabetes.

Yeah, that too.

Yeah.

You saw him.

You saw him back there.

I had to fucking stand up like that to let him get past me, but that's

allegedly.

I don't know if it happened or not.

Hell yeah.

Isaac, you have a wife, girlfriend, Holtzman.

You know, I thought you were...

Winking at me, and now I know it's a medical problem.

I'm kind of disappointed.

You look like you've sucked a clown off.

He does look.

That is it.

You nailed it.

You got him.

I love your work, Mr.

Holton.

Fuck yourself.

You have a wife, a girlfriend?

I have a beautiful wife, Claire, and my son, Atticus.

We're touring America at the moment, doing shows.

And so he gets to see the world.

He's been...

How old's Atticus?

He is two and a half.

First time he came to America, he was five months old and we got off the plane in austin he had his little fan on and he's a great man he finds farts hilarious and he's just a he's an absolute legend did you sign up for the show that last time you came to austin no i didn't no okay no i uh i was i was too scared tony okay because uh not to be a hero but i i usually do longer sets so a minute really scares me right and uh

yeah

holtzman killing with no microphone necessary just the first four

just the first four rows cracking up and the whole table.

Who cares about the millions watching around the world?

Again, the senior veteran professional on stage, Brian Oltzman, the destroyer, no audio necessary.

I love it.

Isaac, what does your wife do?

She is unemployed.

She's a stay-at-home mom.

She's a failure.

She's a whore.

She's.

No, she is a whore,

but she's a good whore and she's got a lot of heart

and no good woman.

How long are you in town for, Isaac?

I'm here until Wednesday, and then we're going to LA to the Hollywood improv.

If you're around,

and then into New York as well.

Okay.

Everywhere.

I finally got a visa.

That is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Getting a visa into America is ridiculous.

What did you have to do to get it?

I had to prove I was an alien of extraordinary ability.

I had to show them articles about myself, and all of those articles say I'm a piece of shit.

So

that was tough.

But it basically costs you a lot of money, and you have to

prove to the people that you're a legit human being.

And

that's what I had to do and show that I was a comedian, etc., etc.

But we're here.

We finally got here.

It's a long time ago.

I don't have to be looking over your shoulder anymore.

It's great to be here.

And I

got to do the most American thing today.

I got to shoot an AK-47.

So

amazing.

Nothing better than a winky twitchy guy shooting an AK-47.

I like the most American thing is shooting a Russian gun.

That's very fair.

Isaac, you're super likable, super cool, great stuff.

Here's a big joke book.

Thank you.

There you go.

Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen.

And that is it for the bucket fulls.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the show where normally there's only one man that can do it, but that man, William Montgomery, unfortunately,

is not here tonight.

It is correct.

The rare night off for old Billy McGumballs, the old Memphis strangler.

The vanilla gorilla is not here.

And normally, in that kind of situation, we would have the cold-blooded Estonian assassin fill in for him.

But again, unfortunately, all my stars are far away in the galaxy on this night.

Except for one.

I had to really fucking pull some strings to make this happen.

I hope that it excites you as much as it excites me.

As I bring to the stage who I believe is the next big superstar of the Kill Tony universe.

Fresh off of his first ever weekend opening for me, and I was very curious of how it was going to go.

I've been doing this 18 years.

He blew my fucking mind on the road doing these longer sets.

And I present to you a pure thunderbolt of momentum.

on a one-way trajectory of wild success.

This is only the third ever appearance by the one and only Timmy Nobri

What the fuck was that?

All right, William isn't here, so he sent me his jokes

Just gonna go through them.

Elon Musk said in an interview this week that AI will replace Mexicans by 2028.

To which Mexicans said, aye aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

Okay.

Good job, William.

This one just says, Tony, moving forward, can I go by Clifford, the big red angry retard?

Okay, I think that might have been an interview thing.

I don't fucking know.

Okay, Vietnam invaded Italy this week.

When asked why, they said forget about it.

I think that needs work, William.

Conservative activist Charlie Cook, nope, let's.

Red Band, if you play the bear, I'm going to titty fuck you.

All right.

NASA's Perseverance Rover.

My hands are shaking because I'm going through pussy withdrawal right now.

I haven't fucked in like two hours.

It just, honestly, this just says the n-word a bunch of times.

Let's just wrap it up right there.

All right.

Thank you, William.

Boom.

A minute, 25 seconds

of the newest fucking Thunderbolt Timmy no brakes.

All gas, no brakes, non-stop, so fun on the road, at home, anywhere you can find him.

He's a blast.

Yeah.

New jacket I noticed tonight, Tim A.

No bracks.

This is a whole different version.

You're not wrong, Tone.

You didn't mention David Lucas was on the road with us.

Yeah.

And

that guy sat on my leather jacket.

It exploded.

And

he gave me his leather jacket.

And

just kidding.

This is too small.

But yeah, fun times on the road, Tone.

It was unbelievable.

I don't want to give anything away, but oh my God, you are so different.

It's so bizarre and fun and different.

There's no other way to describe it.

You don't even think like other comedians do.

Yeah.

Thanks.

That's a nice thing to say, Tone.

That's really, really nice.

Thank you.

Thank you.

He was fucking right.

This looks like a clown just on his show.

It's unbelievable, right?

It's crazy.

It's like fucking...

Adolf Hitler became a magician.

What the fuck?

It is.

It looks like he got splashed by one of those people protesting oil or something like that.

A little bit.

A little bit.

Fuck yourself.

I'll take it, Grandpa.

Now he's done.

Timmy No Breaks, one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Fuck this jacket.

I'm taking this shit.

You want this, Michael?

I'll fuck it.

All right.

Michael's going to disappear in that jacket.

Love him.

It is unbelievable how tiny big Mike Gonzalez is.

Coming fresh off of a victory.

Oh my god, look at him.

He's just lost in his sleeve.

Oh my god, that is adorable.

You look like one of those.

You look just like David Lucas.

You look like a little Eskimo over there.

Timmy, no breaks.

Tell us, what have you been doing lately for fun?

You're always up to, you know, some real ruckus.

Yeah, just being, just plowing through push.

And

I mean, it was great to be on the road with you.

That was really fun.

You and David, we got up to crazy stuff.

I love seeing your routine.

You know, like, kind of like what you do after the shows, like that thing you did when you...

So like after every show, he smokes cigarettes, he has some drinks, and then he does his thing where he has a bunch of 17-year-olds that are about to turn 18 at midnight just line up outside of his hotel room

and

they fucks him one by one.

And I thought that was pretty creative and like cool and like whatever, you know.

So it was fun.

It's been good to get to know you.

Yeah, it was good.

Fresh.

What was that?

What?

What the fuck did you just say?

Yeah, I read that.

What the fuck do you just say?

Dumbass!

Dumbass!

Try to do William.

I'm trying to fucking

fuck you.

Shut the fuck up.

Timmy, I gotta tell you, you know, for someone who's there's this place is in chaos.

I mean, this is what you create.

It's always a ruckus.

And I'm sure millions of people are watching around the world right now.

And I mean, you are that guy right now.

You are the fastest rising stock in the show.

Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell perhaps a young comic out there who might be thinking about chasing their dreams?

Why don't you have your moment and tell them are you trying to fuck me right now what's going on no I'm trying to have you okay well first of all put subtitles on everything throughout the entire episode

so you have to do that red band but William did give me a list it was Epstein's list

So I was just gonna, I don't know, I could read that maybe.

Yeah, you want the lights or the music a certain way, whatever, you know, do your thing, Timmy.

Yeah, whatever you do for William is good.

If you're trying to be a comedian and that's your dream, fucking quit.

You're never gonna make it.

Okay,

let's see how this goes.

All right.

Brendan Spears.

Oh,

Christina Aguilera.

Raven Shimone.

That's actually so Raven.

The cast of Nickelodeons, all that.

Oh, that's actually the victim list.

That's fucking weird.

Yeah, my bad.

It just says

on the...

It says D-Madness times 500.

I don't.

To be fair,

they probably sounded 19, you know?

Am I right?

Am I right?

Timmy always going for that fist bump with D madness.

I think, I don't think he has.

Is he like blind or something?

He is.

He's blind.

Okay.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

We call him Timmy No Eyes.

Whoa.

Okay.

Whoa.

If you could have seen what I saw.

Whoa.

Timmy, any parting words?

Anything you want to tell the people watching around the world?

Fucking.

Fuck you.

You did a big you've been doing a lot of headlining gigs.

You did a big jazz club.

Yeah, I did a huge jazz club.

It was a, I think it was a 50,000-seater or something.

Sioux Falls.

I don't know if you guys have been there.

It's like South Dakota, whatever.

Big show.

Yeah, big line out the front.

And yeah, I just gave it my all.

And they said it was good.

I think the New York Times was there.

They did an op-ed.

I think Vulture.com was there.

They did an op-ed.

I think Redband's mom was there.

She did a fucking op-ed on my fucking car.

Timmy New Rainbow, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.

The future has arrived.

This episode brought to you by Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Spotify.

One more time for Timmy No Breaks.

The drawing from Ryan J.E.

Belt is in.

It is incredible.

It is Holtzman in Ian Bag.

Ladies and gentlemen, go to IanBag.com.

He is on tour.

I swear to God, if you see him live, your mind will be blown.

Truly one of the best comedians out there.

He has the Husky Boys podcast available everywhere.

And Brian Holtzman, as always, has brought visual plugs.

On Facebook, he's Brian Holtzman.

On YouTube, he's Brian Holtzman now.

I guess...

Oh, I see.

Okay, it is two-sided.

And on Instagram, he's at Brian Holtzman.

He prints these up and laminates them instead of just telling me and me writing them down he actually brings them was brian holtzman not available on youtube you needed brian holtzman now

yeah

uh

how about one more time for uh yeah ian thanks for having us man thank you so much

thank you for having us huskyboys podcast ianbag.com that's ian i a n b a g g double g

and brian holtzman does the late show every thursday in the fat man Man, 10 p.m.

So technically you could go to Red Band's Secret Show, double up, come see Holtzman and the Fat Man for a perfect fucking five, six hours of stand-up comedy on a Thursday night if you find yourself in Austin, Texas, and life is good.

I'm going to be doing some stand-up.

Check out my dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com, Red Band.

Check out my fake band Cap Red7 new video VCR on YouTube right now.

It is AI music, ladies and gentlemen.

One of the most...

I write the lyrics and make the beats.

Amazing.

Unbelievable stuff.

It is incredible.

He plugs in the words and...

I write lyrics and upload beats and have AI sing it for me.

How do you make the beats?

On Friday Loops and GarageBand.

Wow.

It's getting unbelievable.

The musician Brian Redband has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, Shopify, everybody.

Live audience, we love you.

We'll see you again next week.

Thank you so much.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetstriptATX.com for tickets.

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