#737 - IAN BAGG + BRIAN HOLTMAN

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 5 Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Gabriel Tony Hitchcliffe.

Speaker 8 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

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Speaker 19 Okay, Eli, everybody.

Speaker 20 That's right.

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Speaker 21 John D's on the keys.

Speaker 24 And this here, believe it or not, D motherfucking madness in the house.

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Speaker 26 my God.

Speaker 27 How exciting is this?

Speaker 15 A brand new episode of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify.

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Speaker 38 We're having the time of our lives, and tonight's episode will be no different.

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Speaker 55 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 56 Ladies and gentlemen, I book this show every week.

Speaker 60 And one of the things that I've been loving doing lately is, you know, making little chemistry sets, matching up people just right.

Speaker 34 Your Rob Schneider's and Donnell Rawlings, if you will.

Speaker 67 Your Triple H's and Carrot Tops, if you will.

Speaker 68 This week, no different.

Speaker 23 Two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth.

Speaker 60 One, a master improviser famous for his unbelievable crowdwork. The other, one of the true dark forces of all of stand-up comedy, an absolute man known for closing

Speaker 64 every show in the main room of the comedy store and now the mothership.

Speaker 60 Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, two of my favorites, make some noise for Ian Bag and Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 60 Oh my god,

Speaker 60 Ian Bag

Speaker 60 gangster

Speaker 60 kill Tony Legend

Speaker 60 Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 72 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 73 What a fucking panel we have here tonight.

Speaker 58 Brian Holtzman is back, the Duke of Darkness.

Speaker 62 Hi, Brian.

Speaker 10 Say something into the microphone for the people.

Speaker 6 How's everybody doing, huh?

Speaker 6 Yahoo!

Speaker 6 Shit kicking.

Speaker 29 We're gonna have fun with Brian and the great Ian Bagg is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 76 Hot off a weekend here. Hello, Tony.

Speaker 55 The second time on this show.

Speaker 15 We had so much fun last time.

Speaker 77 Very exciting. I'm pumped to have you back.
Very exciting and terrified of Brian.

Speaker 45 It's a perfect pilot.

Speaker 78 It really is.

Speaker 54 I love Brian, but I'm terrified.

Speaker 79 Yeah, we all are. He keeps us on our toes.

Speaker 36 I've known Brian now for 18 and a half years.

Speaker 66 I've been looking up to him, and I consider him a mentor.

Speaker 29 These work a lot better, again, if you use that microphone, Brian.

Speaker 72 I promise again he's 45

Speaker 85 45 years in the industry still doesn't realize that the microphone is a critical part of show business

Speaker 88 Famous for doing jokes off the mic crushing off the mic

Speaker 31 I Love these guys.

Speaker 55 We're gonna have so much fun.

Speaker 69 You guys know how it works About 300 human souls signed up for this bucket.

Speaker 93 They are all crammed into a bar next door.

Speaker 95 Some of them, some of the most talented, upcoming comedians from all around the world.

Speaker 79 Some of them completely mentally ill people.

Speaker 58 Some of them have never even tried stand-up before.

Speaker 96 Some of them have done it every night for a decade and a half.

Speaker 36 Anything can happen.

Speaker 88 I'm going to have this Puerto Rican outlaw pick the first name.

Speaker 97 Definitely a guy on the run from the police right now.

Speaker 99 Nowhere better to hide than the front row of a comedy show.

Speaker 100 We're gonna have fun while we go wrangle that person.

Speaker 73 I'm gonna tell you what happens when they get up here.

Speaker 39 They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 94 You know, their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 95 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

Speaker 9 And then I conduct an interview with them.

Speaker 36 They hear from our esteemed panel.

Speaker 64 And we have a lot of fun.

Speaker 23 The entire thing is improvised. Anything can happen.

Speaker 55 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 60 A lot of our golden ticket winners and regulars are out on the road tonight. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, one of our great, great team members here that we've known forever.

Speaker 60 We found him in Dallas, I think, six, seven, eight years ago. He famously was a good high kicker.

Speaker 34 He once

Speaker 61 tried to kick a water bottle off Jeremiah's head and kicked him in the head.

Speaker 60 A lot of fun stuff.

Speaker 64 Fun history with this kid.

Speaker 60 He works hard. He works works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Speaker 61 We love him.

Speaker 60 Ladies and gentlemen, doing the first minute of the night, make some noise for Colt McNeely, everybody. Here comes Colt.

Speaker 60 Hey!

Speaker 70 What's up? How are you?

Speaker 56 Oh, man.

Speaker 40 A little bit about me. I just got my own place.

Speaker 81 Thank you.

Speaker 40 I love this place, new apartment. My favorite thing about it is it doesn't come with a bitch who hates me.

Speaker 76 Fellas.

Speaker 38 Thanks for coming out, guys.

Speaker 40 You know, I think things are a little too political now, would you agree?

Speaker 4 Yeah, right.

Speaker 40 You know, I miss when Antifa was just my black friend's cool aunt.

Speaker 56 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 58 Antifa?

Speaker 40 I miss that lady.

Speaker 43 Thank you.

Speaker 38 Thanks for coming out, guys.

Speaker 40 Oh, man. You know, know, I love the gays.
They're great, right?

Speaker 104 They're not doing too much.

Speaker 40 I've never been, but I hear a lot of good things about gay bars. You know,

Speaker 40 I heard they pour heavier drinks than they do at straight bars. Have you heard this?

Speaker 105 Yeah, right?

Speaker 40 I think it's because the bartenders are pouring the drinks like this.

Speaker 84 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 94 Cole, what a great set.

Speaker 6 Thanks, Tony.

Speaker 106 Hi, Ryan.

Speaker 13 That was amazing. Hi, Ryan.

Speaker 107 Hello, sir.

Speaker 29 Really came through.

Speaker 82 Thank you, sir.

Speaker 58 Last time I saw you was behind the curtain about 10 minutes ago, and I told you you're opening up the show.

Speaker 15 Quote, don't suck. Yeah, guys.

Speaker 40 No pressure, right?

Speaker 64 The look on his face did change when I said it, by the way.

Speaker 110 It was like he was real excited.

Speaker 99 And then when I said, don't suck, it kind of just went like that.

Speaker 111 Kind of felt bad.

Speaker 87 I thought maybe being such a direct head coach wasn't a good idea, but then you came out.

Speaker 52 It works. It works.

Speaker 40 Pressure makes diamonds, I guess.

Speaker 69 You're goddamn right, and that's what you are.

Speaker 77 It was impressive.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 77 How much stuff he could get in in one minute. He went from the gays to being alone to being drunk.

Speaker 40 Oh, man, there's a lot to talk about.

Speaker 77 Sucking two dicks at one time.

Speaker 113 Very impressive.

Speaker 82 Thank you, sir. Thank you.
You're welcome.

Speaker 114 We love it.

Speaker 91 Yes. Holtzman.

Speaker 6 I was very impressed, and I have a little comedy writing session in my place. You are welcome anytime.
Hell yeah. Starts about 12 at night, and it'll just be you and I.

Speaker 40 I'll bring my grippy socks.

Speaker 22 Ooh. Yeah.

Speaker 115 Hell yeah.

Speaker 75 Cole, tell us about you or tell these people.

Speaker 22 Oh, man.

Speaker 116 We know that you work here with us.

Speaker 79 You're a big part of the team.

Speaker 36 You've been hustling all around.

Speaker 117 You've been part of the Salt Tony production crew forever.

Speaker 3 Yes, sir. What else?

Speaker 40 Work at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, Brian Red Bands Club.

Speaker 40 Yeah, make fucking noise.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 40 I run sound over there. I do spots.
I'm like a regular over there, I guess.

Speaker 40 We have a show every Wednesday.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 88 Jesus Colt. I mean,

Speaker 22 how about something else other than

Speaker 15 plugging gay bullshit?

Speaker 40 I don't know.

Speaker 40 I just got a sponsorship for a yo-yo club or a yo-yo team. I'm a professional yo-yoer now.

Speaker 43 Thank you.

Speaker 6 That's pretty fucking boring.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 118 Wow.

Speaker 77 Seems like you might only have a minute worth of material.

Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 120 I don't know.

Speaker 121 Right to the yo-yo. Yeah.

Speaker 82 Do you have a yo-yo on you?

Speaker 40 I do, actually.

Speaker 14 Oh, my God, guys.

Speaker 13 I need some motherfucking yo-yo music.

Speaker 122 What do we got?

Speaker 60 Yo-yo, we need yo-yo music. We got yo-yo.
Everybody, we got yo-yo music. got yo-yo music.

Speaker 7 Hey, whoa.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 60 Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth.

Speaker 61 Somehow crushing the late night shows.

Speaker 13 Better numbers than SNL.

Speaker 20 And somehow, wow, what a flex.

Speaker 25 Oh, my God. There must be so many knots.

Speaker 114 Unbelievable.

Speaker 76 Thank you for coming out, for real.

Speaker 61 Thank you for coming out.

Speaker 24 Yes, they came out for that.

Speaker 45 Thank you guys.

Speaker 27 I'm a fan now.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 106 Let's go.

Speaker 6 Bring that to the apartment and I'll try to insert it in your ass.

Speaker 105 Oh, my God.

Speaker 11 Oh, my God.

Speaker 90 Oh, my God.

Speaker 82 Holy crap.

Speaker 6 Pull it out real slow.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 82 Oh, my God. I had no idea this about Brian.

Speaker 45 Thank you.

Speaker 40 Thanks for coming in.

Speaker 105 Whoa.

Speaker 22 All right, cool.

Speaker 23 Other than yo-yoing, you good at anything else?

Speaker 126 What else? Not really.

Speaker 45 All right, perfect.

Speaker 81 I'm really good at setting up this table.

Speaker 56 Yeah, that is true.

Speaker 40 It's a lot of work, guys. It's like a puzzle.
It comes apart.

Speaker 38 Some little behind the scenes for you.

Speaker 29 Yeah, for those of you die-hard fans that ever wonder, I wonder how long it takes to put the table together.

Speaker 22 Oh, I know.

Speaker 127 An hour and 18 minutes is the record.

Speaker 88 Hour and 18 minutes.

Speaker 79 Yeah. It's coming out.
It's filled with LED lights.

Speaker 91 It's very strategic.

Speaker 36 There's little sound monitors. There's little video monitors that we don't use for the home shows, only for arenas.

Speaker 52 It's a whole thing.

Speaker 37 It's a big deal.

Speaker 58 I just heard the sound of 15,000 people turning off the show just then. Did you guys hear that?

Speaker 22 That was the most amazing, humble brag I've ever heard in my life.

Speaker 27 I've got a table that's got things in it.

Speaker 22 It is a long time.

Speaker 24 We had fucking, you should have seen some of the tables we've dealt with over the years, man.

Speaker 77 i bet oh my god how many yo-yos have he gone through oh too many to count man and i got another question uh remember how you said you're not living with a bitch anymore after seeing your yo-yo was that your mom

Speaker 81 anyways it was she does hate me

Speaker 130 i love it colt you did it a fantastic way to start the fucking show Put on your headset and get back to the fucking...

Speaker 61 Oh, what was that?

Speaker 60 You got a gift from Holtzman.

Speaker 113 What is it?

Speaker 40 I'm going to wash my mouth out with it.

Speaker 60 Wow, you naughty boy. Fix the mic.
You work here, remember?

Speaker 68 There you go.

Speaker 60 There he goes. He got a bar.

Speaker 61 So Brian Holtzman famously gives gifts to each.

Speaker 7 Oh, Maiga.

Speaker 60 Oh,

Speaker 60 Maiga. The lovely Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen.
New website, HeidiRegina.com.

Speaker 61 She's got sponsors and shit.

Speaker 30 She's fucking killing it.

Speaker 60 The real deal, a modern-day Vanna wipe. One more time for Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 67 and so it has begun and now we get to the down and dirty our first bucket pull of the night this person no matter who or what they are had no idea that they were gonna be on the biggest comedy show in the world 10 minutes ago you saw this thug pull his name out of a bucket and now he will be performing live ladies and gentlemen make some noise 60 seconds uninterrupted for mike halloway everybody.

Speaker 61 Mike Holloway.

Speaker 132 There are a lot of people who are really upset about trans women getting into women's sports.

Speaker 6 I disagree.

Speaker 132 I myself am considering identifying as a little person.

Speaker 132 and getting into midget wrestling.

Speaker 132 I'll call myself Andre the Average.

Speaker 132 Fuck up seven dwarves at once.

Speaker 132 Just like Disney.

Speaker 132 Speaking of Disney, I hear Disney is going to do a live-action Cinderella.

Speaker 132 Yeah, it's going to star

Speaker 132 Elliot Page

Speaker 132 as

Speaker 132 Cinderella, who wants to be a prince,

Speaker 132 and Dilla Mulvaney as the fairy godmother

Speaker 134 who waves a tampon like a wand and says, figgity, faggoty, feet.

Speaker 132 And poof, there's Prince Cinderella.

Speaker 132 All right.

Speaker 114 Hell yeah.

Speaker 121 Mike Holloway.

Speaker 38 Heck yeah. Welcome to the show.
Mike, is this your first time on?

Speaker 22 No, second time.

Speaker 99 Last time you were on, did I tell you that you look like

Speaker 67 the Toy Story?

Speaker 31 Actually, I think it was

Speaker 56 yeah, it's all I can say. He wasn't Mark Norman, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 55 I see it.

Speaker 77 And how do you not talk about that coming back? You were here before he gave you a joke and you said, Fuck it, I'm going with the transgenders.

Speaker 22 Come on, man,

Speaker 24 Mike Holloway, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 115 Uh,

Speaker 132 a little over five years, like six years.

Speaker 3 Okay, we're at

Speaker 132 starting in KC

Speaker 3 in Kansas City.

Speaker 7 KC.

Speaker 40 How about JoJo?

Speaker 38 Did you ever start in Jojo?

Speaker 132 I don't know what that is.

Speaker 112 All your life?

Speaker 69 You prayed for someone like me?

Speaker 98 You see where I'm getting here?

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 112 Mike Holloway, what do you do for work?

Speaker 132 I just got a new job at Tapville Social.

Speaker 111 At what? Tapville Social.

Speaker 132 It's a new restaurant and bar.

Speaker 35 Oh, okay.

Speaker 132 Up by the campus and the Moody Center.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 132 That's a good plug for them.

Speaker 63 What's good on their menu?

Speaker 136 What have they got good over there?

Speaker 134 Tower of nachos

Speaker 137 oh yeah that's exactly what it looks like you'd be slinging

Speaker 138 hey that they got great shit too they got a uh

Speaker 132 they got a steak fritz it's very fancy steak fritz

Speaker 87 how big is this tower of nachos is it true

Speaker 22 uh

Speaker 77 drum kit it's about

Speaker 73 it's about that high That's a tower that Redband wants to 9-11. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 72 Go headfirst right into it.

Speaker 56 Bring down that tower.

Speaker 82 How's your yo-yo?

Speaker 22 Yeah. Terrible.

Speaker 45 You can't play yo-yo?

Speaker 115 No.

Speaker 22 I can go up and down.

Speaker 56 That's about it.

Speaker 100 I love that it's play yo-yo.

Speaker 15 Right now, Colts like...

Speaker 90 Oh, ma'am.

Speaker 19 We don't play yo-yo. You just yo-yo.

Speaker 15 Is that what it is? I have no idea.

Speaker 27 It's been so many decades since I've seen one.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 77 I was just like, holy shit, Baron Fawcett's going to be here tonight.

Speaker 117 You got nothing?

Speaker 62 You don't have a fucking slinky or anything on you?

Speaker 141 About Uno cards or anything?

Speaker 10 He looks like he came from a toy box and he hasn't.

Speaker 45 He took everything.

Speaker 83 What do you do for fun, Mike Holloway?

Speaker 132 I don't do much for fun anymore.

Speaker 105 Wow. Jeez.

Speaker 56 Wow.

Speaker 132 Because I'm working and doing comedy, but I like to play disc golf.

Speaker 103 What else?

Speaker 132 I like to go fishing. I like to play video games, but I don't have my computer down here.

Speaker 121 My goodness, it's a real real bunch of.

Speaker 133 I like to do a lot of stuff.

Speaker 75 Was that it?

Speaker 30 Did you just list it all?

Speaker 24 And then you said a lot of stuff?

Speaker 132 Other stuff that didn't come to mind.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 33 All right, what's your love life like exactly?

Speaker 67 Because you seem like the kind of guy that just absolutely pleases himself.

Speaker 137 Yes, Holtzman is seeing what I see here.

Speaker 19 You seem like a guy that just jerks off when you first wake up and you have low testosterone for the rest of the day and you just don't even worry about that type of shit right pretty much okay perfect

Speaker 77 he's giving up he's just like yeah whatever you're gonna say i don't give a shit fuck you i i'm raid on his third time i want to invite you to the writing uh

Speaker 23 what are you gonna do with him what are you gonna do i mean you already have colt and the yo-yo i'm gonna do the same thing i'm gonna do with yo-yo boy Oh,

Speaker 6 try to get up inside that.

Speaker 6 Oh, I like the way you part your teeth in the middle. I love it.
I really love it.

Speaker 6 I like the way that t-shirt hangs off your shoulders. Can I say I really, just, really want to just fuck you?

Speaker 6 I don't know if that's bad taste. I don't know, but

Speaker 6 checked with Mark Marin. He said I could say that

Speaker 23 he is.

Speaker 66 You got to check in with him nowadays.

Speaker 3 It's a real big deal.

Speaker 52 He's the police.

Speaker 79 He decides what everyone can talk about.

Speaker 3 I love it.

Speaker 94 Mike, give us something else crazy about your life.

Speaker 132 I recently crashed a bird scooter and fucked up my knee.

Speaker 17 Whoa.

Speaker 56 How did that happen?

Speaker 132 On the way to work. I was just,

Speaker 132 I got it was kind of a wobbly one

Speaker 76 and

Speaker 131 I got I was too cocky and

Speaker 132 was going too fast in a narrow bumpy area and cost control.

Speaker 77 Let me get this straight. You've got a credit card.

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 58 Mike, what size joke book did you get last time you were on this show?

Speaker 38 Big one. one.

Speaker 87 Well, there you go.

Speaker 98 Go fill it up, Mike.

Speaker 130 You started off tonight's show.

Speaker 148 There he goes. Mike Holloway, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 30 Woo!

Speaker 86 Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Quo.

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Speaker 151 ADC Wednesdays, Shifting Gears is back.

Speaker 4 It has arisen.

Speaker 151 Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.

Speaker 137 What what?

Speaker 151 With a star-studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis, and

Speaker 19 Hey, buddy!

Speaker 151 A big home improvement reunion.

Speaker 152 Welcome.

Speaker 7 Oh boy.

Speaker 16 That guy's a tool.

Speaker 151 Shifting gears, new Wednesdays, 8-7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

Speaker 31 Well, well, well, I could not be more excited to have this name in my hands.

Speaker 60 Ladies and gentlemen, how cool is this?

Speaker 60 This young lady started off on the show famous for making great horse noises.

Speaker 60 Such an unbelievable horse noise that we had her go to the HEB Center on New Year's Eve just to make one horse noise.

Speaker 142 That was it.

Speaker 23 And then she got pulled out of the bucket again here and informed me that

Speaker 24 maybe a little bit lighter there, Michael.

Speaker 15 She informed me famously that her uh that her parents were disappointed in her at the time for for being on such an un-Christian-like show.

Speaker 3 And so, on the spot, I asked her how much she makes at the job that she didn't really like.

Speaker 155 She told me I matched it, and now, every day, Monday through Friday, she works directly with me.

Speaker 64 The odds of her getting pulled out of the bucket are unbelievable, and I couldn't be more excited to see a brand new minute from the great and powerful, the one and only one of my favorite young comics and especially human beings.

Speaker 31 This is Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 156 Hey, everybody.

Speaker 156 I look like a girl who regularly goes to the gym, but just to poop.

Speaker 156 I really respect Helen Keller as a woman in history. Have you guys heard of Helen Keller?

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 157 She's never heard of you.

Speaker 156 I have a strong belief that Helen Keller coined the phrase, talk to the hand because the face ain't listening.

Speaker 156 But she probably sounded a little different as she said it.

Speaker 156 I'm really excited to potentially have a husband one day, and I'm excited about this possibility because I will get to greet that man every day for the rest of my life.

Speaker 156 You know, different couples have different greetings. Some like to hug, some like to kiss.
I've been practicing the greeting I'll have with my husband. It'll look like this.

Speaker 156 Stop hitting us. Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 159 Sarah Sloan, everybody.

Speaker 106 Wow.

Speaker 45 How cool is this?

Speaker 28 Welcome back, Sarah Sloane.

Speaker 30 This is fun because I talk to you every day, all the time.

Speaker 97 And now we're talking like this.

Speaker 156 It's kind of weird. It's so I literally said to you, I spend more time with you than anybody else.

Speaker 56 It's true.

Speaker 70 And I love it.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 112 We have a lot of fun.

Speaker 77 Do you guys want us to leave?

Speaker 22 We are absolute polar opposites.

Speaker 29 She is a very, very, very, very good, well-behaved Christian girl.

Speaker 96 And I'm a naughty boy

Speaker 156 and we give each other balance we live vicariously slightly I think through each other Sarah tell these people something about you that we don't know I mean I don't even know yeah I would say like I would ask you a normal question but like I kind of know everything can I tell you a funny story like that you yeah well there was one time Tony was about to go out to the lake and then he started just looking at me and he was like I'm picturing you joining me and my friends going on the lake and wearing you wearing a bikini.

Speaker 156 And he just started dying laughing.

Speaker 77 That is the weirdest time to make an HR complaint

Speaker 77 in front of all these people.

Speaker 119 Tony's an asshole.

Speaker 122 He says my pussy's hairy.

Speaker 155 We have a lot of fun.

Speaker 91 Sarah is the best.

Speaker 34 Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 6 I really appreciated your

Speaker 6 stage present is wonderful. You have a beautiful little figure.

Speaker 6 And I especially liked your Helen Keller because I, to this day, can't understand why she's who she is. I mean, she couldn't do anything.
She couldn't go anywhere.

Speaker 6 I mean, to have somebody that's that famous and well-known for being that

Speaker 6 deficient in all areas. I mean, what would you do with a Helen Keller if you, you know, nothing.

Speaker 6 Maybe keep the door from shutting, you know.

Speaker 6 But thank you so much. I really appreciate what you did.

Speaker 144 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 72 So awesome.

Speaker 12 The great Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 122 I just want to say, night and day difference from the last time or two times you've been on.

Speaker 3 Like, that was actually fucking absolutely.

Speaker 137 That was the next thing I was getting to.

Speaker 130 I don't ever get to see you do stand-up and the unbelievable growth since the last time.

Speaker 79 Working beats, you're using your hands, great mic technique close to the mouth.

Speaker 154 Everything's good.

Speaker 74 Everything's like rock solid, professional.

Speaker 67 Sarah, what else is going on?

Speaker 36 Anything else crazy in your personal fun life or whatever?

Speaker 156 I told you, I told you recently, like, ever since I've gotten this job, men have been very interested in me.

Speaker 11 Ah, hell yeah.

Speaker 156 It's so insane. I'm just like, literally night and day difference.

Speaker 156 Now I still don't do anything about it.

Speaker 156 I'm too afraid. Yeah, I went on a date with this one guy, and then he started just like, at the end, I was dreading it.
I was like, oh no. And then he starts just hugging me.
And I was like,

Speaker 156 and then he like kisses me on the cheek.

Speaker 17 And I was like, and then

Speaker 156 he was like, what's wrong, baby? He was Mexican.

Speaker 156 Shows you they really don't respect boundaries.

Speaker 156 Yeah,

Speaker 156 at one point I literally held up my hand in front of my face and I said, don't kiss me, please.

Speaker 22 Do you think maybe you're a lesbian a little bit?

Speaker 156 I know I'm not. I just I feel I feel so bad just like kissing someone that may not be my husband

Speaker 160 Take it take it Brian

Speaker 9 Boltzmann be nice.

Speaker 10 I don't care if you do it to the men

Speaker 15 Don't do it to my sweet little Sarah Sloan.

Speaker 30 She's a good Christian. She goes to church every week

Speaker 77 doing this devil's work literally.

Speaker 156 I'm probably more a Christian now than before I started the job.

Speaker 22 Yeah

Speaker 56 It's true.

Speaker 73 And a little fun fact if you if you were to go back or if you're a fan of the show and you remember her getting the job live, which was a crazy thing, nothing but my gut instinct.

Speaker 24 I knew nothing really about you other than you could do a good horse noise at the time.

Speaker 154 And my God, how it's played out is unbelievable.

Speaker 31 And the parents that originally you said da da da da didn't like it and it's a little bit too rugged of a show for you to be on and they're laughing at crazy stuff and everything.

Speaker 96 We ended up making, I made friends with the parents.

Speaker 33 They came and visited and fucking now I'm friends with her their super cool awesome parents too they love you so much yeah this is how the devil works is nobody lifted

Speaker 33 holy shit

Speaker 70 it's happening right here like

Speaker 77 the ground is just starting to bubble and we got another one

Speaker 69 Sarah unbelievable fucking set I love the poop in the gym, the Helen Keller, everything.

Speaker 24 I love seeing the growth. You're a little star.

Speaker 100 We love you.

Speaker 31 One more time for the great Sarah Sloan, maybe.

Speaker 45 Boom!

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 162 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 98 Sarah, real quick, how could I forget one horse noise for these people?

Speaker 157 That was your best horse sound.

Speaker 17 This is kill Cody.

Speaker 103 Cody.

Speaker 24 That's the sound of Colt when you're pulling the yo-yo out of his ass.

Speaker 67 I love the way he looks like the horse.

Speaker 6 Get that bit out of my mouth.

Speaker 29 Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pull of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted, going to JJ Alexander, everybody.

Speaker 163 I just watched the new Superman movie, and me and my friend were walking out.

Speaker 42 He's like, you know what? There's no way anyone will fall for that.

Speaker 163 Like just using glasses as a disguise. Like he just puts a pair of glasses on and and everyone thinks he's a totally different person.

Speaker 164 No one's dumbed up to fall for that.

Speaker 163 I looked at my friend, I'm like, I know the glasses are a good disguise because I have to use my glasses as a disguise every single day.

Speaker 163 Like, with my glasses on, you might be like, Oh, this is like a kind of cute nerdy guy. Glasses off, I look like I eat crayons for the flavor.

Speaker 101 Glasses on, history teacher with autism.

Speaker 163 Glasses off, Matt Damon with Down syndrome.

Speaker 43 How do you like them apples?

Speaker 109 Glasses on, kind Chick-fil-A manager.

Speaker 42 My pleasure. How are we doing tonight, folks?

Speaker 22 What's going on?

Speaker 140 Glasses off, Arby's manager.

Speaker 76 JJ Alexander has arrived to the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 58 This is your first time on this show, right? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 42 Holy shit.

Speaker 106 Unbelievable.

Speaker 31 Amazing.

Speaker 52 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 163 Five years. Where at?

Speaker 42 Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Speaker 30 And you're just visiting Austin?

Speaker 140 No, just moved here, man.

Speaker 29 When did you move here?

Speaker 109 April. April.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 163 Moved down with four of my buddies. We slept on two, like...

Speaker 42 Bunk beds side by side for two months.

Speaker 109 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 42 Just burned the boats to try to move to Austin, Texas. Try to do this show, man.

Speaker 140 That's how we do it.

Speaker 43 I get it.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 72 That is awesome.

Speaker 137 I love it.

Speaker 14 How do you make money?

Speaker 23 What do you do for work?

Speaker 163 I work at Dutch Bros, the coffee shop.

Speaker 76 Oh, hell yeah. I work when you have your glasses on.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Glasses off.

Speaker 163 I'm giving out free coffees to everybody, dude.

Speaker 165 I was like, would you like chocolate milk, man?

Speaker 56 I love it.

Speaker 109 So, yeah, I worked at 5 a.m.

Speaker 164 today.

Speaker 22 Wow. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 54 Amazing.

Speaker 37 Hell yeah, JJ.

Speaker 77 Ian, what do you think? Not anymore if you can do an impression of a horse.

Speaker 140 Oh, I got nothing, dog. I just have chance.

Speaker 19 Sorry, you were doing so well there. And then bam.

Speaker 77 Brian, to come over to do the joke writing contest at your house, does he have to wear the glasses or not the glasses?

Speaker 6 He can do whatever he wants.

Speaker 11 Oh, no, shit.

Speaker 6 We don't have to talk about anything at all.

Speaker 42 This is the scariest I've ever been in my life.

Speaker 22 this is nuts

Speaker 164 unbelievable jj tell us more about you uh yeah man uh yeah i work at dutch bros uh i play yeah

Speaker 60 uh no i i can solve a rubik's cube you can i can you know what's crazy about that ladies and gentlemen no please i swear to god you're not gonna believe this but just a few weeks ago my amazing team here at keltoni informed me about a bunch of new things that we have backstage a breathalyzer.

Speaker 15 We have all the old stuff.

Speaker 38 Your famous scale, your measuring tape.

Speaker 94 And now added, ladies and gentlemen, and this is, they told me this, and I go, what the fuck am I ever going to do with that?

Speaker 15 That sounds boring as hell.

Speaker 30 But we have arrived at that moment as I present to you for the first time in Kill Tony history, Heidi, bring out the Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 7 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 30 Wow. Oh, he's just attacking it right away, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 25 Glasses on, he can solve the Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 127 Imagine it.

Speaker 10 Glasses off, he eats the Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 77 What if he was just lying?

Speaker 42 Like, he thought, no way they're gonna have a Rubik's Cube, and he's just like, Johnny Baycock, I can do a Rubik's Cube so fast.

Speaker 167 Now, Tony, do you know the science behind it?

Speaker 122 It's like a math thing.

Speaker 129 Like, it's a two over down up.

Speaker 68 Yeah, I don't really get it.

Speaker 3 I've never understood the Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 31 I have no desire to whatsoever.

Speaker 34 I let other people conquer the Rubik's Cube universe while I do my own thing.

Speaker 167 When I was a kid, I found out that you could actually take off each of the squares and pop them back on.

Speaker 78 There you go.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Oh, there is a timer, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 95 They've started a timer.

Speaker 96 He's at 45 seconds right now.

Speaker 24 This isn't quite going as good as I thought it would.

Speaker 107 It's no yo-yo.

Speaker 60 Yeah, turns out you're very mediocre at Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 126 It's very close, though.

Speaker 22 It's very close.

Speaker 162 He's getting there. Uh-oh.

Speaker 129 They used to also have the Rubik's figure.

Speaker 94 The master of Rubik's Cube knowledge, Brian Redban, our chief Rubik's Cube correspondent.

Speaker 24 I had no idea that you had such a wealth of knowledge.

Speaker 60 This was our video games back as a kid in the 80s.

Speaker 68 That is true.

Speaker 60 Redband is 51.

Speaker 26 Oh, my God.

Speaker 103 119.

Speaker 103 Wow. The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Speaker 103 Wow.

Speaker 102 I was not expecting the crowd to be that into it when it was solved.

Speaker 11 Glasses on, solve the Rubik's Cube. Let's go, baby.

Speaker 77 Amazing. I bet you can kiss your assistant.

Speaker 157 I'm in love with you.

Speaker 22 Oh, thanks.

Speaker 11 Thanks, Brian.

Speaker 105 Wow.

Speaker 54 JJ.

Speaker 100 Wow.

Speaker 87 A lady, y'all do it, glasses off.

Speaker 72 That's impossible.

Speaker 115 I can't read without my glasses.

Speaker 128 What are you talking about?

Speaker 42 It's got nothing to do with reading.

Speaker 77 They want you to look like, you know, a special kid to all you're doing.

Speaker 28 JJ, tell us more about you.

Speaker 164 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 164 I'm a single guy.

Speaker 45 As you

Speaker 45 can see,

Speaker 42 I'm just Austin, Texas, looking for love, man.

Speaker 123 You have a lot of good material like you did?

Speaker 58 Yes, sir. Yeah.

Speaker 58 What's the longest set you think you could do?

Speaker 164 I've done 45 minutes.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 115 It was not great.

Speaker 12 Sure.

Speaker 22 Five years later.

Speaker 3 I got 30 rock solid.

Speaker 34 Right, rock solid.

Speaker 34 Okay.

Speaker 83 And it seems like your life completely revolves around stand-up.

Speaker 22 You're doing a lot of stuff. A little bit.

Speaker 163 It's a grind, for sure.

Speaker 68 You're working hard at it?

Speaker 42 Yes, sir. Every day.
I'm just out just trying to get better. That's all I can do.

Speaker 34 Holtzman's doing some type of,

Speaker 116 what exactly would you call that?

Speaker 16 Use the microphone then.

Speaker 45 Hi, honey, I'm all.

Speaker 140 And it's been a hard day.

Speaker 45 Oh, my God.

Speaker 45 Holy shit.

Speaker 167 Are most of the girls at Dutch Bros over 18?

Speaker 76 Yes, sir.

Speaker 106 Red band.

Speaker 76 What the fuck is going on over there?

Speaker 76 Dude, Brian's just going to pull through my line.

Speaker 15 This is going to be terrifying, dude.

Speaker 56 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 129 This guy's going to come with an unsolved Rubik's cube every time.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 163 Yeah, what's wild about Dutch Bros is we have a button on the iPad that's a bad day button. So if you come through and you look like you're like you're crying, we give free coffees away.

Speaker 167 You're so overly nice there.

Speaker 129 Is there a protocol that you have to do?

Speaker 3 Like, oh, you have to like wink at them.

Speaker 164 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 163 It's just you, you just try to treat everyone with kindness, is like their whole thing. Like, it's like, you're not touching.

Speaker 22 You just change lives one cup at a time.

Speaker 168 Dutch bros, sponsor me.

Speaker 76 Let's go. I need to quit.
Let's go.

Speaker 33 I think they might want to sponsor you, JJ Alexander, because my friend, what I have right here in this red box is indeed a golden ticket.

Speaker 26 You just won here

Speaker 60 on Kill Cody.

Speaker 60 Congratulations, my friend.

Speaker 61 That's the real deal.

Speaker 7 We want to see more material from you.

Speaker 144 And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday if you want.

Speaker 120 Hey, hi.

Speaker 12 There you go.

Speaker 137 He'll do the Secret Show, Red Band.

Speaker 103 Thank you, Tony. Thank you.

Speaker 162 How do you feel, JJ?

Speaker 56 Are those real tears?

Speaker 42 You just changed my life, man. Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 11 Let's go.

Speaker 26 Austin Texas, let's run, baby.

Speaker 102 Let's go.

Speaker 130 JJ Alexander, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 103 Congrats, buddy.

Speaker 162 Holtzman, let him go.

Speaker 56 Let him go, Holtzman.

Speaker 77 All that talk, he was like, all that talk, I work at Dutch Brothers, we're kind, we try to change people's lives. Guaranteed, he's going to be a complete dick tomorrow.

Speaker 140 Oh, yeah. Because he is just,

Speaker 77 he's not going to be working there much longer.

Speaker 44 He's just like, you want to what?

Speaker 161 Fuck you.

Speaker 141 Suck my, suck my special needs cock.

Speaker 56 Takes off the glasses.

Speaker 42 Throws a Rubik's Cube at at a child, all that kind of shit.

Speaker 91 Exactly.

Speaker 55 His whole attitude may change.

Speaker 87 That's how egos are born.

Speaker 45 How does that feel for you?

Speaker 77 How did that feel for you, just changing that kid's life?

Speaker 141 It's awesome.

Speaker 69 You know, when I see somebody that's up here smiling and when they seem completely funny and focused on stand-up, when he said the bunk beds thing, you know, that means that this is his life and that's exactly what he came here to do.

Speaker 112 Big move from Colorado.

Speaker 67 He's focused.

Speaker 59 And we need people.

Speaker 130 Everyone in fucking...

Speaker 15 Everyone here is blowing up so fast.

Speaker 161 Their fucking SNL is poaching us now.

Speaker 31 These guys are getting offers and fucking be the next fucking late night this and everything that.

Speaker 69 We're building monsters and he could be...

Speaker 37 God only knows what can happen here.

Speaker 6 He could be on Suicide Watch in a few weeks, too.

Speaker 57 It depends on if he goes to one of your writing sessions or not.

Speaker 93 Purina believes no one should have to make the impossible choice between their own safety and their pets.

Speaker 93 But nearly half of domestic abuse survivors delay leaving because they can't bring their pets with them.

Speaker 48 Through the Purple Leash Project, Purina is helping create more pet-friendly domestic violence shelters so survivors and their pets can escape and heal together.

Speaker 93 Visit purina.com slash purple to learn more.

Speaker 7 Mmm, mmm.

Speaker 86 This episode is brought to you by PrizePicks. You and I make decisions every day, but you know, being right with prize picks can get you paid.

Speaker 111 Don't miss any of the excitement this NFL season, which I am absolutely thrilled about.

Speaker 55 This game is so fun and simple to play.

Speaker 150 It is amazing. This week on Prize Picks, I'm picking Joe Burrow for more or less than 270 passing yards.

Speaker 111 Red Band.

Speaker 27 Tony, I love Prize Picks. It's the only app that allows stacks, meaning you can pick the same player up to three times in the same lineup.

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Speaker 27 Hit the follow button and check out every lineup they create in the new feed tab on PrizePicks.

Speaker 111 Download the PrizePicks app today and use code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Speaker 55 That's code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Speaker 141 Prize picks.

Speaker 134 It's good to be right.

Speaker 83 We having fucking fun out there, huh?

Speaker 13 Let's keep it moving along.

Speaker 104 Anything can happen.

Speaker 57 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Fern, everybody.

Speaker 60 Fern, everyone.

Speaker 135 My cousin has Down syndrome. Don't feel bad for him, though.
He got laid so much, he caught gonorrhea.

Speaker 109 So we called him slow clap.

Speaker 135 I like to treat pregnant women like dogs

Speaker 77 because I'm a rubber belly.

Speaker 131 Yes, I am.

Speaker 107 I got two cats.

Speaker 135 One cat's name is Abyss, because if you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss will stare back into you.

Speaker 135 The other cat's name is Mauschwitz.

Speaker 135 The ironic part is Mauschwitz doesn't like showers either.

Speaker 146 I'll wrap it up there.

Speaker 29 Very funny, Fern.

Speaker 5 Thanks for watching. Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 105 Mowdy. Hell yeah.

Speaker 104 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 44 About four years.

Speaker 30 Four years.

Speaker 38 And this is your first time on the show? Second.

Speaker 34 Okay. Where are you from?

Speaker 135 Originally Paris, Texas, but I also moved from Denver.

Speaker 58 Okay. How long ago was your last time on the show?

Speaker 135 November of 23. It was my birthday.

Speaker 35 All right. Very cool.

Speaker 112 Okay. What do you do for work?

Speaker 135 I'm a downtown high-rise window washer.

Speaker 38 Whoa.

Speaker 22 Really?

Speaker 20 That's you up there? Yes, sir.

Speaker 135 Holy shit.

Speaker 15 God damn right.

Speaker 141 You do the frost tower?

Speaker 135 I, no.

Speaker 9 You have different ones.

Speaker 107 Yes, sir.

Speaker 133 Okay.

Speaker 133 You do that every day?

Speaker 135 Five days a week, yes, sir.

Speaker 25 Holy shit.

Speaker 75 Tell us about that.

Speaker 29 We've never had anyone that does that on this show coming up.

Speaker 127 It's a blast.

Speaker 84 Are you being sarcastic?

Speaker 135 No, like, it is legitimately fun. Hanging from ropes, swinging from left and right, you know?

Speaker 135 Scaring the shit out of cats.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 28 so you know

Speaker 160 yeah honestly

Speaker 69 tell us more like what's something that you've rolled i would say up on but i guess you're going down right you're rolling down because it is kind of a crazy thing right you know these condos or whatever downtown all of a sudden there's just somebody you don't ever expect and there's somebody coming from fucking yeah above scare people every day because they're like what the fuck and it's a lot of fun right what's one of the craziest things that you've seen rolling down on somebody's place?

Speaker 23 Nothing yet.

Speaker 135 Just a bunch of cats scared. My coworkers have seen wild shit, but I've only been doing it for four months.

Speaker 167 No good dude.

Speaker 3 No, sir.

Speaker 147 Unfortunately.

Speaker 19 You could see cats and tits if you roll by Redband when he's naked in his condo.

Speaker 116 Have your homies told you something that they have seen that's insane?

Speaker 135 A lot of naked women, yeah.

Speaker 118 Oh, that's it?

Speaker 25 Yep.

Speaker 135 Yeah, just pretty much it. People are standard, high-rise.
They're chilling like Redband.

Speaker 77 Is your cousin really special needs?

Speaker 135 Yes, he does have Down syndrome. I don't know if he got ever the claps, I don't know.

Speaker 121 Really?

Speaker 133 So he just made up a story about a slow guy getting a bunch of pussy?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 152 In fact, my mom told me

Speaker 147 about Down syndrome after the fact.

Speaker 76 I was like, oh, shit.

Speaker 22 Oh, well.

Speaker 77 After the fact of what?

Speaker 135 Me writing the joke.

Speaker 133 Oh, wow.

Speaker 77 You didn't know that he had Down syndrome?

Speaker 152 I've talked to my family that much.

Speaker 40 Wow. You've never seen him?

Speaker 6 like you couldn't tell by looking at them

Speaker 6 like the kid that

Speaker 77 neck head same size

Speaker 113 i don't even know which cousin have you ever seen a special needs kid before yes i have they stand out motherfucker

Speaker 116 holt wants to know what he's doing wednesday at midnight

Speaker 6 is there a probational period in that occupation

Speaker 135 I think it was like a 90-day probation, yeah.

Speaker 6 It's a good union, too, isn't it?

Speaker 135 That one's a non-union.

Speaker 6 You were a non-union ironworker? Yes, sir.

Speaker 135 I was a union ironworker for five years, but I switched to high-rise window washing so I could get off the building, go to an open mic, and crush on Kiltoni again.

Speaker 34 Amazing.

Speaker 73 Unbelievable.

Speaker 129 And you did.

Speaker 57 Have you never been scared of heights your whole life?

Speaker 129 Like, do you have like tall parents that held you or something?

Speaker 135 I'm the guy who fell out of the two-story window when I was 15 months old.

Speaker 152 So, no, I haven't.

Speaker 135 I've always loved the views, and I've always taken a jump.

Speaker 160 How did that happen?

Speaker 135 It was hot as shit in Texas. I'm originally from Paris, Texas, and we were in Nacogdocius apparently.
The window was up letting the breeze in. The screen was cracked.

Speaker 135 So when I got up on the couch, I looked over and I just kept going into the abyss.

Speaker 3 It was a lot of fun, apparently.

Speaker 45 Will you know my name?

Speaker 87 Yeah, very air Clapton-esque, without a doubt.

Speaker 152 Same joke you made last time.

Speaker 20 Well, yeah, it's the same story.

Speaker 91 I mean, if you, if you...

Speaker 39 Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's just common sense.
So, Fern,

Speaker 55 what's the longest set you've ever done?

Speaker 135 Uh, 10 minutes, I think.

Speaker 94 Wow, all right, and four years in, only 10 minutes?

Speaker 135 Yeah, I don't get a lot of spots.

Speaker 36 Have you ever thought about running your own type of show or anything like that?

Speaker 135 When I was an iron worker, that was working 68 hours or 58 hours in Waco. So, I was driving, waking up at 5 a.m., not even getting back till Austin till 7 p.m., and I was still trying to hit mics.

Speaker 135 So, running a show is just trying to get comics and everything else. It's kind of hard.

Speaker 103 Now,

Speaker 106 it's true.

Speaker 106 Holtzman is.

Speaker 67 The rooster of excuses.

Speaker 62 Fern, Red Band, what do you think?

Speaker 88 He had a really great set, you remember?

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Wow.

Speaker 24 I mean, I've seen some of the lineups you put on on Thursdays.

Speaker 100 Well, I just, you know, it's pretty full, but I have an eight-minute spot open.

Speaker 56 Let's fucking go.

Speaker 3 Perfect.

Speaker 143 There you go.

Speaker 68 Fern.

Speaker 130 Yeah. I mean, it was a great set.

Speaker 60 Maybe it's too distant, so maybe you forgot.

Speaker 30 Fern, just fern.

Speaker 28 Why do you go by fern?

Speaker 167 It's my last name.

Speaker 30 What's your first name? Jason.

Speaker 135 Why do you go just by fern? How many Jas have you met versus how many ferns have you met? There's one right there.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 10 My full name...

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 12 Is that really?

Speaker 147 Yeah, that's it. Oh, Fernando.

Speaker 135 My full name is Jason Alexander Fern, and you just had a Jason Alexander on.

Speaker 85 That is pretty crazy.

Speaker 116 And Jay Alexander was me and Red Band's favorite restaurant back in Columbus when we were in school.

Speaker 66 An unbelievable prime rib sandwich with extra spicy horseradish sauce on it.

Speaker 94 Have you heard of Jay Alexander's?

Speaker 135 I have not, sir.

Speaker 66 Well, now you know.

Speaker 106 Yes, sir.

Speaker 90 All right.

Speaker 58 What size joke book did you get last time you were on?

Speaker 85 Big joke book.

Speaker 112 Well there you go.

Speaker 24 JJ Alexander, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 Fern. I'm sorry, Fern.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 88 Skip around.

Speaker 68 One more time for Fern, everybody.

Speaker 105 All right.

Speaker 87 How exciting.

Speaker 130 We go on and on.

Speaker 64 Look at Heidi just hustling, picking up the yo-yo and the Rubik's Cube, replacing the old golden ticket with perhaps a new one.

Speaker 24 I've never given out two in an episode, but anything can happen.

Speaker 58 And now, I present to you one of the longest names I've ever read in the show's history.

Speaker 124 This is Stephen Forrest Gump Posier, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 147 Fost Gump was bullied so much and so long, he ran so far and so fast that the bullets could not keep up with False Gomp.

Speaker 147 Farce, when are you gonna stop running?

Speaker 2 Fost,

Speaker 147 when, Fost, when

Speaker 147 that night in Jenny's dormitory, I fucked the shit out of Jenny.

Speaker 171 I was like, Say my name, say my name. And she's like, Yo, Fost Gump.

Speaker 2 People call you False Gump, Gump, Gumpity Gump, Gump.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 147 You may not know it, but I fuck like the wind blows.

Speaker 147 Fost comp used to work for the Bila Battery Police Department.

Speaker 147 And he said, gun, farce, gun, I took off running.

Speaker 20 I got fired.

Speaker 147 Anyways, life is like a box of cat shit made up to look like chocolates with a couple of chocolates mixed in.

Speaker 2 I hate cat shit.

Speaker 147 I guess I'm done.

Speaker 12 All right, Stephen Forrest Gump Posier, am I saying that correctly or is it Dossier?

Speaker 58 Dosher.

Speaker 32 Dosher.

Speaker 30 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 69 So Stephen, your real name is Stephen Gump Dosher?

Speaker 147 No, I was trying to put Forrest Gump in there.

Speaker 22 Stephen Forrest Gump Dosher, because I know you have an affinity for Forrest Gump.

Speaker 147 Everyone has an affair. And I wanted you to pull me today.

Speaker 67 Everyone has an affinity for Forrest Gump.

Speaker 37 So, Stephen, let me ask you, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 147 Last time I did stand-up was 1986.

Speaker 149 Wow.

Speaker 42 For you millennials out there, that's 32 years.

Speaker 22 For all of you that can do the math,

Speaker 147 XNA on the math day.

Speaker 148 Literally 39 years.

Speaker 22 Yes, that's right, Tony.

Speaker 166 That's absolutely correct.

Speaker 21 I like your style.

Speaker 101 I think you're funnier when you're not doing the wacky forest impression.

Speaker 58 I can just tell.

Speaker 147 Yeah, I had a regular minute for you, and I've got some stuff I really like.

Speaker 9 You know what I want to do right now, Ian?

Speaker 58 Is there something you want to say?

Speaker 77 Oh, no, let's just. I was just shocked that he had some stuff that he liked that he didn't bring.

Speaker 11 Yeah,

Speaker 77 here's your chance to shine. Maybe I'll use that later.

Speaker 42 He takes a lot of breaks.

Speaker 15 The forest thing was adorable, and it was sweet.

Speaker 66 But you know what I'm going to do?

Speaker 69 I'm just going to, your real name's Stephen Dozier.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 69 I'm just going to reset it.

Speaker 13 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Steven Dozier, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 76 One more time for Steven.

Speaker 11 Restart the clock.

Speaker 147 So I've got selective Tourette syndrome, which basically means I'm just another fucking asshole.

Speaker 147 But speaking of fucking assholes, I was getting a colonoscopy the other day.

Speaker 147 And as I was going under the anesthesia, that's the gas that can kill you, not that hot Russian chick, which frankly I would have preferred.

Speaker 147 Anyways, I told the crew in there, I said, hey. If you could interview my asshole right now.

Speaker 147 And one of the guys goes, hey, I've got a microphone.

Speaker 147 Great, my asshole is getting ready to say something important, profound, probably poetic. And this guy is gonna be a fucking comedian.
Thanks a lot, Tony. Thanks a lot.

Speaker 147 Anyways, if you could interview my asshole right now,

Speaker 147 this is probably what my asshole would say.

Speaker 147 Scene.

Speaker 71 Okay,

Speaker 171 I know everybody thinks I'm just another fucking asshole.

Speaker 171 But the truth is, is I've got hopes, dreams, and feelings like the rest of you.

Speaker 147 So let's get this shit over with.

Speaker 28 All right, Steven Dozier.

Speaker 57 So let's talk about your actual life, Steven.

Speaker 98 I have 437 questions going on in my head.

Speaker 58 What made you want to restart stand-up here tonight?

Speaker 147 Well, I retired, Tony.

Speaker 67 What did you retire from?

Speaker 147 i was a financial advisor oh hell

Speaker 147 making too much fucking money i love it so i decided to quit are you serious yeah they paid me to quit okay they paid me to quit but uh it's a great job i loved them and uh so they i retired and um

Speaker 147 but yeah i was thinking about doing comedy and then i started watching kill tony and then i started writing comedy it's all your fault i know i mean i have literally got two full books of stuff I'm in up there harassing all the other people up there, telling them my bets just to see if they like it.

Speaker 147 I wrote a bit this morning.

Speaker 133 You what? I wrote a bit this morning.

Speaker 147 I'm laughing my ass off in the garage. My cats think I'm nuts.

Speaker 87 How many cats do you have?

Speaker 147 I've got two cats in the garage. I'm glad you brought that up.

Speaker 138 I've got two cats in the garage that jump through hoops, walk tightropes, jump platforms.

Speaker 22 They are amazing.

Speaker 147 Wow. They are trained.

Speaker 129 Did you train? I'll use strippers, but strippers are harder to, anyways.

Speaker 147 But

Speaker 147 no, two cats. I trained them.
It was all accident.

Speaker 56 Boltzmann.

Speaker 9 Come on, Brian.

Speaker 6 I don't want to hear about fucking cats.

Speaker 27 You're always talking about push-ups.

Speaker 28 What do you mean? Didn't you...

Speaker 69 I thought you talked to Mark Maron about this.

Speaker 66 Wouldn't he tell you that that should be one of the main things that you talk about in all of your act?

Speaker 6 You remind me of the guy on the airplane who needs extra help getting on.

Speaker 6 Look at you. You're a nightmare.
Look at this.

Speaker 6 And you're a thief, a financial advisor. You're a thief.

Speaker 6 You're a fucking thief.

Speaker 6 Let me manage your money and take... How much percent do you take? How much fucking percent do you take?

Speaker 6 How did you get rich on other people's fucking money? I'm sorry, Tony.

Speaker 6 Oh, let me manage your money. I can manage my own fucking money.

Speaker 147 Look, don't sugarcoat this, okay?

Speaker 31 Look at this, it's the world's wackiest nursing home over here.

Speaker 3 I expect it.

Speaker 60 I expect it from him.

Speaker 147 I expect it from him.

Speaker 103 It's okay.

Speaker 6 Same thing as a realtor. This is the bedroom.
This is the backyard. That'll be fucking $10,000.

Speaker 6 I know what a backyard is. I know where a bathroom is.

Speaker 6 Sell it yourself. Sell your fucking house yourself.

Speaker 23 Steven, were you ever married or anything?

Speaker 42 Oh, yeah, I was married for about nine years.

Speaker 147 Lost my wife

Speaker 84 where'd you lose her at?

Speaker 140 She passed away.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 68 Party time.

Speaker 98 How long ago was that?

Speaker 138 15.

Speaker 98 15 years. 15 years ago.

Speaker 30 Okay. That must have been hard, huh?

Speaker 6 Probably took her life.

Speaker 22 Okay, hold.

Speaker 23 You guys are going to be arguing later when you're playing Jinrummy with each other or whatever the hell.

Speaker 10 When you guys are playing chess at the park against each other.

Speaker 127 just went up.

Speaker 115 I love it.

Speaker 31 How did she die, Stephen?

Speaker 168 She committed s ⁇ .

Speaker 23 She really did?

Speaker 22 Oh, my God.

Speaker 147 It's okay. It's okay.

Speaker 140 Sorry, D. It's okay.

Speaker 147 It happens. You know, things happen.

Speaker 58 Oh, my God.

Speaker 25 That must have been so hard.

Speaker 120 Brian's so.

Speaker 142 Stephen's having fun. We're having fun.

Speaker 140 That's okay. That's okay.
It's okay.

Speaker 147 You know, life has been good since then.

Speaker 146 Yeah. Oh.

Speaker 71 Yeah. That's been helpful.

Speaker 61 Exactly.

Speaker 147 That's been helpful.

Speaker 11 Hell yeah. That's it.

Speaker 18 That's all it takes.

Speaker 147 Comedy has helped.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 22 Absolutely. A lot.
I like your song.

Speaker 3 A whole lot.

Speaker 129 Oh, fuck, fuck, fucky, fuck, fuck a lot.

Speaker 96 Where do you live now, Stephen?

Speaker 147 I'm in the Conroe Willis area.

Speaker 84 North of Houston.

Speaker 92 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 7 No, I'm not there.

Speaker 147 I don't look like I come from Houston.

Speaker 11 What?

Speaker 87 I missed that one.

Speaker 82 How old are you, Stephen?

Speaker 147 I'll be 64 in May.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 15 That's it?

Speaker 147 Y'all look good. I haven't been out in the sun a lot.

Speaker 124 I haven't been out in the sun a lot.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 20 You look a little bit older than you are.

Speaker 10 Maybe it's the king or something like that. Thank you.

Speaker 22 I older.

Speaker 147 I thought you were going to cut me some slag, give me some youngerness.

Speaker 10 It's like I'm 35 years old, Tony.

Speaker 22 You don't like it when people lie.

Speaker 3 Holtzman, how old are you?

Speaker 6 I'm 35.

Speaker 168 Maybe I should have said 35.

Speaker 75 No, you're good, Stephen.

Speaker 9 What else, other than training your cats?

Speaker 147 You know, I had my book with me, and I had 15 top 15 things to tell you.

Speaker 45 I built a clock.

Speaker 4 I built a marble clock.

Speaker 147 It took me six years. I just built it.

Speaker 6 His wife probably.

Speaker 11 No, Holtzman.

Speaker 6 Stop.

Speaker 6 He's talking about cats and all sorts of, you know.

Speaker 15 He makes very dark jokes.

Speaker 168 I know. I watch this guy.

Speaker 25 I love it.

Speaker 3 I love it.

Speaker 87 Well, you're in the eye of the storm right now.

Speaker 22 Oh, we're good. We're good.

Speaker 15 How do you make a marble clock?

Speaker 141 You like chip away at it? I know.

Speaker 147 I just, I just, no, I cut it up with

Speaker 147 the saw, of course, but I started it. It's like a big chess piece.
And then I'm like, you know. I've come this far.
I might as well go a little further.

Speaker 147 And then I built a little hobbit thing underneath it that encloses it. And it's...

Speaker 82 You guys seem bored.

Speaker 18 I'm so intrigued by this guy. The panel is literally just gasping and fucking.

Speaker 77 I've never met an Amish person before.

Speaker 147 Hey, I do like to cut.

Speaker 27 Yeah, yeah, well,

Speaker 77 I made my own clock.

Speaker 54 It is. It is very odd.

Speaker 45 What the fuck?

Speaker 10 Your facial hair and your hobbies.

Speaker 56 It's a human clock.

Speaker 21 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 56 We have an eclectic night. Nobody's ever made one of them.

Speaker 58 I'm going to check in with our chief correspondent.

Speaker 90 Nobody wants to hear old people talk.

Speaker 6 Next, you're gonna tell us they took a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 24 That's a fucking bumper sticker.

Speaker 102 Take a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck.

Speaker 110 BrianHoltzman.com.

Speaker 57 We show it every Thursday at 10 p.m.

Speaker 59 here in the Fat Man, Holtzman and Friends.

Speaker 72 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 159 IanBag.com, he's on tour.

Speaker 11 You're sweet as I said tour.

Speaker 33 One more question for you.

Speaker 67 I know this interview is going too long,

Speaker 23 but I just find you to be intriguing as hell.

Speaker 67 You know, you're 60-something, you look 80-something.

Speaker 18 You lived a whole life.

Speaker 98 I find it all so intriguing.

Speaker 52 You ever have kids?

Speaker 22 No, no kids. No kids.
We were going to have kids.

Speaker 99 What's your secret to not having kids?

Speaker 22 I pull out.

Speaker 76 I pull out very quickly.

Speaker 114 Pull out. Very good.

Speaker 18 I love it.

Speaker 117 And give me one more crazy fun fact about your life.

Speaker 22 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Here we go.

Speaker 147 So the top, the top, well, I already told you the top two things. Well, there's a third thing.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 105 uh-oh.

Speaker 147 You gotta put a couple drums in the back of the bag.

Speaker 75 Wait, what do you what is it, Stephen? Well, I'm just co-economic.

Speaker 22 What are you doing?

Speaker 35 Whoa.

Speaker 108 You play the drums, Steven?

Speaker 159 You really do?

Speaker 104 You play the drums?

Speaker 11 Really?

Speaker 13 Are you serious?

Speaker 106 Should we have a Mexican drum up here?

Speaker 106 Oh

Speaker 13 my God.

Speaker 11 It's been a long time.

Speaker 13 Michael Gonzalez.

Speaker 104 It's kind of tough to get back there, Steven.

Speaker 75 It's a tight squeeze, but

Speaker 98 there you go.

Speaker 161 Come on in there, Steven.

Speaker 123 The first ever Mexican drum off where a guy has to lean his cane up against the wall.

Speaker 21 This is kill Tony history right now.

Speaker 23 Now, some of you might be new to the show.

Speaker 15 I see some tables of ladies out here and girlfriends that look like they've been kidnapped and dragged here.

Speaker 56 So if you don't know, a Mexican drum off is legendary on this show.

Speaker 30 It is when somebody that pulled out of the bucket, knows how to play the drums, gets to do a drum solo here live, completely improvised, on the spot.

Speaker 24 They had no idea what the drums set would wait. Steven, relax.
Steven, relax.

Speaker 87 You're like one of your fucking cats in the garage right now.

Speaker 87 Chill out over there.

Speaker 14 So here's how it works.

Speaker 30 He does a drum solo, and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo.

Speaker 79 The crowd decides who their favorite was.

Speaker 58 If Steven wins, and it's never happened before, the resident drummer on this show, I think, is about all time 67-0 against

Speaker 15 the bucket pool drummer.

Speaker 19 But if he happens to win, he will become the brand new resident drummer on Kill Tony.

Speaker 76 Michael Gonzalez will have to, they have to switch lives.

Speaker 30 So, Michael will be locked in a garage with cats running through hoops.

Speaker 23 And Steven will be here every Monday while Michael cat sits for him.

Speaker 55 You don't know if cats...

Speaker 22 What?

Speaker 100 Right, I agree.

Speaker 31 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo.

Speaker 60 This is a Mexican drum up, and this is Steven Dozier.

Speaker 60 Wow!

Speaker 60 Wow, Steven Dosher!

Speaker 142 I don't know if you guys know anything about percussion, or I'm sure you don't have an angle at it, but this motherfucker was just working the double bass pedals back here.

Speaker 31 The musicians got very excited.

Speaker 165 I happen to notice it as well.

Speaker 117 Stephen's putting up quite the fucking fight here.

Speaker 18 He might actually be 25, just dressed up with prosthetics.

Speaker 110 Fucking brought out the cane, trying to play dumb over here.

Speaker 67 Someone's playing possum.

Speaker 87 He's trying to get a full-time job on this show.

Speaker 31 The bad news is, Steven, stay there.

Speaker 59 Steven, stay there for right now while Michael plays so that the camera can get him.

Speaker 24 Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, undefeated resident drummer.

Speaker 165 This is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez.

Speaker 7 Jesus fucking Christ!

Speaker 106 Holy shit!

Speaker 130 A true battle of the Titans, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 19 Well, well, well, this is the part where you decide how many of you have Steven Dozier winning that competition.

Speaker 106 Oh, shit.

Speaker 13 How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

Speaker 148 Yeah, no doubt about it.

Speaker 15 They'll still argue online, I'm sure.

Speaker 31 But 100%,

Speaker 24 you could agree that Michael just slightly edged you out there, right, Steven?

Speaker 76 He's warmed up.

Speaker 11 Oh, shit.

Speaker 54 This motherfucker.

Speaker 144 Oh, my God.

Speaker 14 I like your style, Stephen.

Speaker 23 I love people of all different shapes and sizes coming in here and fucking playing around, Ian.

Speaker 77 Can I suggest for your stand-up that maybe it's behind a drum kit?

Speaker 147 It's been that way before.

Speaker 14 You should do it that way.

Speaker 77 I'm not being a dick, but you'll go farther.

Speaker 127 Yes, you are.

Speaker 29 How often do you come down here? How many times have you signed up, Stephen?

Speaker 147 This is my first time.

Speaker 138 First First time ever.

Speaker 168 I was the first one at Shakespeare's at noon today.

Speaker 76 You were there at noon.

Speaker 23 Look at you, you badass mother.

Speaker 70 My brother is,

Speaker 147 he built a nice house up in Georgetown, and I called him yesterday. I said, hey, I'm coming up to go and kill Tony.
I'm going to come by and see you. And he's like, you're not because I'm in Alaska.

Speaker 147 Okay, I'm going to Shakespeare's at noon.

Speaker 88 Well, there you go.

Speaker 112 Well, look at that.

Speaker 66 All that energy and manifesting.

Speaker 34 It got you here.

Speaker 147 It's all your fault.

Speaker 147 I have literally written two two books of material because of you I love it I love it watching I started watching kill Tony I was already thinking about doing comedy when I retired yeah but I started watching kill tony like in March and then I started writing in May and I've literally written two books I wrote something this morning I like a lot okay let's hear what you wrote this morning this well you know how women have that little ring in their nose

Speaker 147 well back in my day we would do that with the hogs on the farm we'd put the ring in the nose on the hogs so they wouldn't root out under the fence i guess a couple couple these bitches got out

Speaker 166 hey you son of a bitch

Speaker 5 you son of a bitch

Speaker 66 steven i'll tell you what why don't you uh come back in a few weeks or something and uh and play uh

Speaker 98 and play drums on the pre-show play a song or two with the boys

Speaker 147 i almost brought my electronic kit with me tonight because you're always talking about how don't come up here unprepared and I look for a whole fucking drum kit.

Speaker 147 I've got three drum kits. I got one I'm trying to give away.

Speaker 92 Wow, look at this guy.

Speaker 147 I got to stop buying some.

Speaker 77 Sounds like the wife was insured.

Speaker 165 Oh my god.

Speaker 14 Oh my god.

Speaker 60 These dead wife jokes are coming in hot, Steven.

Speaker 159 I love that you're laughing at him.

Speaker 130 You have a great fucking sense of humor.

Speaker 142 You're a hell of a fucking sport.

Speaker 130 Thank you so much.

Speaker 7 And here,

Speaker 13 Steven, here's the big joke book, buddy. I know you got your hands full.

Speaker 162 You ready for it?

Speaker 11 Oh, damn it, son of a bitch.

Speaker 161 One more time, how loud can this place get for Steven Docher, everybody?

Speaker 60 You fucking did it, buddy. Have a great night.

Speaker 68 There he goes. How exciting.

Speaker 78 Long interview.

Speaker 103 Long one.

Speaker 98 You deserve it, Steven.

Speaker 34 There he goes. All right.

Speaker 40 All right, listen up, nacho chips.

Speaker 153 Quiet down, crispy potatoes. This is the moment Velveeta's been preparing you for, and you're not about to crack under pressure.
Today's the day to go all in on the drip.

Speaker 153 Velveeta's heat and eat queso is the MVP of any game day spread, so stick by them, and you'll be golden.

Speaker 172 Now get out there and make delicious history.

Speaker 153 No tailgate party is complete without Velveeta.

Speaker 173 Hey, this is Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast here to help you make the most of your summer with Michelo Vultra, Ultra, a superior light beer worth playing for.

Speaker 173 Play for it with the guys when you're competing to see who can sink more birdies on the golf course because winning tastes even better with Ultra on the line. Play for Ultra.

Speaker 173 Fill your fridge with Michelob Ultra this summer. Enjoy responsibly.
Copyright 2025 Anheuser-Busch Michelob Ultra Light Beer, St. Louis, Missouri.

Speaker 95 We're going to keep it. You guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 148 I thought so.

Speaker 60 Your next bucket pull, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going by the name of Tommy Tickles, everyone.

Speaker 64 It's Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 60 Uh-oh, we know Tommy's back.

Speaker 72 So it's for Tommy Tickles, everyone.

Speaker 155 Y'all might have guessed that I'm an amateur taxidermist.

Speaker 155 I'm an amateur because nobody's paying me to kill and stuff all these cats.

Speaker 155 Especially not my dickhead neighbors.

Speaker 155 I'm not a very good negotiator. When I first met the future Mrs.
Tickles,

Speaker 155 I was like, I like to have sex when I wake up in the morning. I like to have sex before I go to bed at night.

Speaker 155 And on the weekends, I like to have sex three or four times a day. And she was like,

Speaker 131 How about a blowjob on your birthday?

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 155 14 blow jobs later and I'm still married

Speaker 155 I always pay my bills maybe

Speaker 155 not on time

Speaker 155 I've never re-negged on a bet

Speaker 19 I did give fucked by a black guy twice

Speaker 155 Down at the dog track

Speaker 155 I always pay my debts. I'm not a re-nigger.
If anybody were to call me a re-nigger, I would be pissed.

Speaker 94 What the fuck did you just say?

Speaker 22 Hold on, Jill. We're gonna go.

Speaker 11 Oh, whoa, Joe, what the fuck?

Speaker 19 The little things.

Speaker 91 Carlos Sosa and that sax with the bum ba bum

Speaker 24 God has the funniest timing in the world. Deep madness coming back from a pee break after an old white man says the n-word a couple times.

Speaker 155 What did you say? If you don't pay your bets, then you re-neg on your bets. Right.
And I've always paid my bets.

Speaker 129 Okay.

Speaker 14 All right, don't repeat it again.

Speaker 14 I get it.

Speaker 87 It actually checks out.

Speaker 24 Technically, that makes sense.

Speaker 22 That's a loophole, if I bet you.

Speaker 162 That is a loophole.

Speaker 100 That is a loophole.

Speaker 24 Leave it to an old country man to find a loophole.

Speaker 155 Even if you call me a renigga.

Speaker 24 You're calling it John Dee's.

Speaker 155 I wouldn't know what you meant.

Speaker 155 I would know what you meant.

Speaker 4 I'd be pissed.

Speaker 115 The blacks have ruled it allowed.

Speaker 19 After review of the play.

Speaker 23 The call on the field has been overturned.

Speaker 75 Tommy Tickles is safe.

Speaker 18 Pay my bills.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 166 My goodness.

Speaker 3 I should have wacky ways to get racial slurs out there, too, instead of just doing them straight up.

Speaker 155 I used to think it was a racial slur, but somebody told me that's not how you spell it.

Speaker 77 My God, how many times did he write it down before he found out?

Speaker 24 Yeah,

Speaker 25 what tombstone did you chisel it on?

Speaker 61 Here lies a...

Speaker 25 Let's check in with our senior racial slur correspondent, Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 5 I didn't hear anything derogatory about anything.

Speaker 33 Tommy Tickles, look at you.

Speaker 101 What a character.

Speaker 9 It is adorable adorable old man Knight here at the Comedy Mothership.

Speaker 76 Back to back, the world's wackiest fucking nursing home.

Speaker 56 I don't know if you guys remember the movie Cocoon, but this is what's happening here tonight.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 54 I know.

Speaker 106 That's a reference you would make.

Speaker 102 Tommy, how old are you?

Speaker 155 I'm 51.

Speaker 124 51 is the thing I just read.

Speaker 15 Why do the people that sign up for the show look so old?

Speaker 118 All right, all right.

Speaker 77 You look fantastic, bud. Don't let them put you down.

Speaker 22 No.

Speaker 25 Why do you look so old?

Speaker 28 How many of your wives have killed themselves?

Speaker 22 All of them.

Speaker 155 I've been married 14 years.

Speaker 134 Happily married.

Speaker 56 Amazing. Amazing.

Speaker 97 How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom, Tommy Tickles?

Speaker 155 All right. I got a few.

Speaker 115 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 84 TV is ready.

Speaker 155 There's a, you know, you've got your cookie, which is the easy, but you know, if you're going to prepare, you might as well set the mood with a little music or whatever.

Speaker 155 And, you know, don't have anything funny on TV.

Speaker 155 Hell yeah. Cats, you know, make sure your cats and your dogs are outside or whatever.
Okay.

Speaker 155 I have a position for you.

Speaker 129 Like, when you're going down on a lady, on a lady.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Yeah, guys, give me some good going down on a lady horn music.

Speaker 59 Here we go.

Speaker 166 Keep going.

Speaker 142 Tommy, make sure you talk right into the tip of the hand.

Speaker 22 And

Speaker 155 you normally have the butt cheeks in this hand. You switch this hand over to the other butt cheek so that you can play around right here.

Speaker 155 That's my little secret.

Speaker 43 You can call it the Tommy Tickle.

Speaker 13 Holtzman's writing it down.

Speaker 58 Hand switched to the other butt cheek.

Speaker 43 Just like that. You got the butt cheek right there, and then you got this right here.

Speaker 155 It's the crossover. Crossover.
Wow.

Speaker 76 Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 118 Take that home.

Speaker 110 The Cunnalingus Crossover, written by Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 155 And I like to keep things

Speaker 155 nice. And so we started using organic lubricant.

Speaker 155 And my favorite, if you want to know.

Speaker 71 Uh-huh.

Speaker 24 Yeah, we do.

Speaker 5 All of the oil?

Speaker 15 That's what I was going to say.

Speaker 90 Hi, honey, I'm home.

Speaker 24 Holtzman's never used lube on anything in his life.

Speaker 87 This is a dry, this guy goes dry jerky, dry rub.

Speaker 6 Sandpaper.

Speaker 23 What's your favorite kind of lube, Tommy Tickle?

Speaker 155 Come to Tommy Tickles2025 on Instagram, and I'll show you what my favorite.

Speaker 155 I will show you the product. It's called VW Coconut Oil, and it's distributed right here in Austin.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 160 Holy shit.

Speaker 24 There's a guy back there that just loves a locally made product no matter

Speaker 9 what. Someone just lost their mind back there.

Speaker 55 Yeah. He's already sponsored.

Speaker 3 I think so.

Speaker 10 Tommy Tickle. Cocoa.

Speaker 45 I go with the other hand.

Speaker 155 That's where it's at.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 147 Sometimes I go this way, sometimes I go that way.

Speaker 118 You're gonna need some help

Speaker 98 Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 58 You've been on this show before.

Speaker 87 You got a big joke book before.

Speaker 105 That's correct.

Speaker 22 There you go.

Speaker 23 Then you already got it.

Speaker 24 There he goes, Tommy Tickles.

Speaker 130 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 159 On to the next one. On to the next one.

Speaker 165 It's the great Jay-Z that once said the words.

Speaker 110 On to the next one.

Speaker 66 And so we go.

Speaker 165 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull is Jeremia Bishop.

Speaker 3 Jeremiah.

Speaker 137 Oh, the Killtoni debut of Jeremiah Bishop, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 134 What's up, guys? So I just celebrated four months of sobriety.

Speaker 134 The proper response is to bow. I'm better than you.

Speaker 134 No, but I had to get sober. I loved cocaine way too much.

Speaker 134 Can we just at least agree cocaine is the gayest drug you can do?

Speaker 134 Because how's it gonna start? Me and you, sir. We're gonna get a bag.
We go to the bathroom, we pray nobody finds us.

Speaker 134 How does it end? Six o'clock in the morning. We're gonna talk about our hopes, our dreams, our goals, our aspirations.

Speaker 134 How we would love to open a beautiful little breakfast nook in Wisconsin.

Speaker 134 We might as well just suck each other's cocks at that point. It would be way less gay.

Speaker 55 All right, 46 seconds of thunder from Jeremiah.

Speaker 9 Hell yeah, Jeremiah, grab that microphone.

Speaker 77 That was the weirdest AA opening I've ever had.

Speaker 40 Hi, my name's. I like to stop talking open graphics impact.

Speaker 66 Jeremiah, let the games begin, my friend.

Speaker 115 How old are you?

Speaker 155 34.

Speaker 58 34.

Speaker 69 Wow, just take note. He's only about 14 years younger than the last two guys that were out there.

Speaker 148 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 28 Okay, how long you been sober?

Speaker 23 Off cocaine for four months okay what do you what how did you do it how did you go no cocaine uh

Speaker 134 trying to quit hanging out on sixth street drinking so much honestly all right and that's what did it yeah yeah yeah it's uh so how low how low did it get how bad was it at one point um before i moved out here i was like uh homeless i used to uh where were you at then Florida.

Speaker 115 Oh, yeah. What part of Florida?

Speaker 134 Polk County, baby.

Speaker 3 Okay, there it is.

Speaker 84 Represent.

Speaker 112 This is what they look like there.

Speaker 28 Gross Malone.

Speaker 146 Smelly roll.

Speaker 165 I like jelly rolling the pipe.

Speaker 165 All right.

Speaker 69 Jeremiah, what do you do for work?

Speaker 79 Exactly, are you a barback?

Speaker 134 I do pick up shifts at Shakespeare's. Boom.

Speaker 19 But

Speaker 134 I work in customer relations for a telecommunications company.

Speaker 99 Okay, so you are on the phone headset?

Speaker 134 Absolutely.

Speaker 58 Okay, how long you been doing that for?

Speaker 134 About four years.

Speaker 38 Alright, very good. And these face tattoos, when did you start doing that exactly?

Speaker 134 I got my first one at 19.

Speaker 69 Which one was that?

Speaker 134 That'd be the anchor.

Speaker 63 What made you get an anchor on your face at 19?

Speaker 134 Mike Ness from Social Distortions, pretty cool.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 133 Do you play music or something?

Speaker 134 Fuck no, this is all I can do.

Speaker 67 And you just decided I'm going to start.

Speaker 34 What's the red ink under the left eye?

Speaker 134 Broken with broken heart for the O.

Speaker 63 Wow. And what made you get that one?

Speaker 94 Exactly.

Speaker 87 What did you do the night before you decided to get that one?

Speaker 133 What do you have to do to your dopamine serotonin receptors exactly?

Speaker 66 Where you go, ah, you know what?

Speaker 3 I'm just going to permanently just let everyone fucking know.

Speaker 165 Cocaine. Right.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 92 Unbelievable.

Speaker 77 Yeah, go ahead. Still got jewelry, though.
I don't know how bad the cocaine hack was.

Speaker 100 I don't know how real the jewelry is.

Speaker 32 The tattoos are real.

Speaker 87 That jewelry is straight up fucking quarter grab machine shit, right?

Speaker 134 Oh, no, this is legitimate, but I didn't buy it. It was passed down to me.

Speaker 77 Okay. That's the first shit you sell when you're doing cocaine.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 77 I hated grandma.

Speaker 149 Let's fucking burn this shit.

Speaker 87 I thought it was fake for sure.

Speaker 98 I didn't even think those were tattoos.

Speaker 137 I just thought it was the jewelry bleeding green shit all over his body.

Speaker 101 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 133 Now that you're not getting wasted and having late nights.

Speaker 134 I mean, hiking, camping, pretty much anything outdoors.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 70 Four months?

Speaker 40 I'm outdoorsy now.

Speaker 134 Well, I used to be homeless, so, you know, it's just

Speaker 3 living the past.

Speaker 16 Tell us about your life as a homeless person.

Speaker 58 Tell us about your tricks to survival or some crazy lows or some things that you saw or had to do.

Speaker 134 Well, I always did the hobosexual thing, you know?

Speaker 24 Nope, we don't know. What does that mean?

Speaker 134 It's where you sleep with somebody for a place to stay.

Speaker 16 Okay, tell us about that.

Speaker 134 Well, see, I always fucked up up because I would never get like a girl that had her own stuff going on. It was always some gal that had a couple sugar daddies.

Speaker 134 I called it trickle-down dichonomics.

Speaker 45 Not real.

Speaker 174 That was real.

Speaker 77 Doesn't sound real. No, it doesn't real.
I think this kid lives in a rich house with rich parents.

Speaker 20 Did you have rich parents?

Speaker 67 I do get a rich parents vibe from you.

Speaker 78 Like you were the renegade.

Speaker 63 You wanted to, no, fuck you, mom and dad.

Speaker 69 I want to show you.

Speaker 22 And then they're like, well, no, you're not.

Speaker 134 No, no, my parents were okay. Not super well off.

Speaker 77 I mean, we only have three bathrooms.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Did they have three bathrooms?

Speaker 35 No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Two bathrooms. Yeah.

Speaker 111 Outdoor shower?

Speaker 103 No.

Speaker 99 Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 6 Quite frankly, I have

Speaker 6 nothing to say to you.

Speaker 6 I am completely uncomfortable just being on the same stage with this

Speaker 6 it.

Speaker 6 I mean, the tattoos are okay, but I mean, the metal products, I mean, why don't you go in the back and blow the guy who was playing the drums?

Speaker 6 I mean, this is, this is, this is,

Speaker 6 this is fucked up. I'd rather have a Helen Keller lookalike up here.

Speaker 127 So,

Speaker 85 for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps, he does have the big gauge earrings, and you have a piercing.

Speaker 136 What do you call that part of the human body?

Speaker 133 that'd be your filtrum your filtrum yes sir all right and what made you decide to get that pierced just above the upper lip social distortion

Speaker 134 fucking catch a little bit of the cocaine you know so

Speaker 39 all right but seriously

Speaker 134 i don't know just thought it looked good

Speaker 134 okay you have other crazy shit pierced or tattooed uh you might love this one tony

Speaker 155 it's your dick i have my dick tattooed uh-huh

Speaker 134 with sean michaels logo Wow.

Speaker 56 That is incredible.

Speaker 3 Prince Albert or

Speaker 86 Tattoo.

Speaker 54 It's a tattoo.

Speaker 3 I know, me too.

Speaker 88 Like the hearts one?

Speaker 134 Yeah, Broken Heart says HBK above it.

Speaker 75 It says HBK.

Speaker 116 Now, did you think that you'd find your dream girl or something?

Speaker 14 There's a guy that really wants to see it out there.

Speaker 9 I'd imagine if...

Speaker 155 It's online.

Speaker 110 We're online.

Speaker 23 Where can people find this at?

Speaker 134 You can find

Speaker 105 a guy that thinks you luck.

Speaker 45 Show us that hog.

Speaker 5 Show us that hog.

Speaker 11 No.

Speaker 22 No. Kino.

Speaker 14 Go back to normal lighting, Kino.

Speaker 134 Yeah, you can find it on Twitter. Daddy DickWolf on Twitter.
It's out there.

Speaker 143 Daddy Dick Wolf, everybody.

Speaker 100 For those of you, for that guy, for those of you that are interested in seeing it, you can find it there.

Speaker 77 Here's a anything else for what's your worst decision in life?

Speaker 86 That's a great...

Speaker 22 Wait a second.

Speaker 28 What the fuck?

Speaker 33 Is this you?

Speaker 124 Holy fuck, we found it.

Speaker 87 Wait a second.

Speaker 72 Hold on a second.

Speaker 23 What exactly are you doing here?

Speaker 23 What is happening?

Speaker 23 What are you doing?

Speaker 144 Wait a second. Hold on.
Spin it back around.

Speaker 56 What are you doing?

Speaker 5 What's wrong with you?

Speaker 134 I gotta make money somehow, Tony.

Speaker 165 You make money from jerking off?

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 I like him now.

Speaker 87 Jesus Christ Almighty.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 117 How could you not mention this on a fucking interview?

Speaker 24 It's been eight minutes, and now you find out that you stroke a cock for a living.

Speaker 31 Telecommunications with a headset.

Speaker 15 Yeah, fucking right, you creep.

Speaker 23 What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually for money?

Speaker 134 For money?

Speaker 100 I mean like this way.

Speaker 112 I know when you were homeless you probably butt-fucked a fucking trucker or something.

Speaker 134 No, for money, just shot content.

Speaker 134 Nothing crazy.

Speaker 117 But the question would be when you say shot content, what's the most shocking thing you've ever done?

Speaker 101 You told us your Twitter handle like we were going to see your dick maybe.

Speaker 28 And it turns out you're doing everything we just saw you pissing Stroking it double stroke two hand up and down

Speaker 18 the old toilet plunge fucking motion

Speaker 6 And how do you not talk about that during your fucking second?

Speaker 28 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 51 It's incredible I used to do cocaine.

Speaker 113 No fuck you couldn't watch me jack off

Speaker 158 stage.

Speaker 55 That's what you should be talking about.

Speaker 134 I don't have anything that's a minute about that. I got I got a couple of sets.

Speaker 19 I got 12 minutes of it

Speaker 67 My friend since you did 46 seconds and it was okay, here's a little joke.

Speaker 123 Oh, now, right off his dick, into the front row.

Speaker 165 That book just caught chlamydia.

Speaker 130 There he goes, Jeremiah Bishop, everybody.

Speaker 43 Holy cow.

Speaker 129 Holy cow is right.

Speaker 122 Crazy. Brian, you ever do that kind of shit?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I did it, but I was in England at the time.

Speaker 64 This is definitely, I'm pretty sure, a new name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hell's Bells, everybody.

Speaker 68 Hell's Bells.

Speaker 68 Hello, hello.

Speaker 175 So, just a little bit about me. I'm a quirky person and have a very big habit of making an awkward situation much more awkward.

Speaker 175 For example, when I went back to school, I went to school with this guy named Alex. Alex came back from summer break as Alexa.

Speaker 175 So a bunch of us decided we were going to take Alexa out for lunch and celebrate this new transition.

Speaker 175 Well, our heterosexual young man server was really having a hard time with this.

Speaker 175 Alexa, bless her heart, was really trying to make the situation a little bit more lighthearted.

Speaker 175 She leans in to the table for for the rest of us and says in her high-pitched voice, you know, I'd really like to just ask him,

Speaker 54 Can I have a cup of water, please?

Speaker 175 The rest of the table just laugh tails off. What do I say?

Speaker 20 You don't have the balls!

Speaker 175 Leave it to me.

Speaker 175 Awkward situation.

Speaker 10 Hell's Bells, everybody.

Speaker 67 Hell's Bells. Welcome, Hell's Bells.

Speaker 44 Did you see the cock on the last guy?

Speaker 144 I heard.

Speaker 18 Hell's Bells.

Speaker 98 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 103 Right now.

Speaker 67 This is your first time.

Speaker 22 Very good. There you go.
That makes sense.

Speaker 145 There you go.

Speaker 11 That makes sense.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 37 how, can I ask you how old you are, Hells Bells?

Speaker 175 51.

Speaker 35 51. Okay, very good.

Speaker 58 Actually, one of the youngest people on the show tonight.

Speaker 23 What have you been doing with your life up until this point?

Speaker 38 What made you you want to start stand up here tonight?

Speaker 175 Well, I'm dating a young man.

Speaker 29 How young?

Speaker 175 He is 10 years younger than me.

Speaker 143 Ooh, look at you.

Speaker 45 Yes. Does he have face tattoos?

Speaker 175 He is a big fan of your show.

Speaker 5 Uh-huh.

Speaker 175 And so I've started watching your show and I, you know, became a fan.

Speaker 79 Okay. Where'd you meet this young buck at?

Speaker 175 A soccer game.

Speaker 95 What kind of soccer game?

Speaker 175 A San Antonio soccer game.

Speaker 3 Oh, he's Latino?

Speaker 175 He is Latino.

Speaker 11 He is Latino.

Speaker 57 Found yourself a little fucking.

Speaker 175 Well, you wouldn't know it. He looks like a redhead like me.

Speaker 100 Sure, yeah.

Speaker 68 I bet we would never know he's Latino.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 87 There's no way the world's greatest ice agent would walk right by him.

Speaker 87 Yeah, totally.

Speaker 3 Totally hell's bells.

Speaker 67 So

Speaker 100 you

Speaker 64 have money.

Speaker 66 How do you have money?

Speaker 98 I know you have money because you're dating a 41-year-old Latino boy that's fucking the shit out of you for exactly that reason.

Speaker 24 So how did you come across this newfound wealth?

Speaker 105 Wow.

Speaker 175 I'm a nurse.

Speaker 175 I work for my money. I don't actually have money.

Speaker 126 I work my tail end off.

Speaker 15 Okay, well, looks like you still have a lot of tail there.

Speaker 60 I don't think you've worked it off just yet.

Speaker 28 What kind of nurse are you?

Speaker 175 I'm a registered nurse.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah. I love it.

Speaker 77 Is that because of the younger guys, like a sex-offender registered nurse?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 31 She has to go to Kinsiniera's and introduce herself to the...

Speaker 77 She's not supposed to be that close to the soccer field.

Speaker 99 So tell us more about your life.

Speaker 15 What else has been going on?

Speaker 175 Well, an interesting thing is we came from the same part of Ohio.

Speaker 103 Oh, what part are you from?

Speaker 175 Newton Falls.

Speaker 103 Okay, yeah, I know.

Speaker 54 Graceville, actually.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 61 Or all fours, Newton Falls.

Speaker 175 So, Niles, all that.

Speaker 35 Yeah. I know it all.

Speaker 103 Very well. How long were you?

Speaker 103 Where do you live now?

Speaker 175 Fredericksburg.

Speaker 35 Ooh, okay.

Speaker 103 All right.

Speaker 36 And what type of life are you living out there?

Speaker 7 What do you...

Speaker 72 What does that look like?

Speaker 87 You live by yourself?

Speaker 126 Yes, with my son.

Speaker 175 He's 20.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 175 I work from home. I do a lot of community things.

Speaker 36 You're an at-home registered nurse.

Speaker 175 I paid my dues, trust me. I worked the shifts.
I've done all that stuff.

Speaker 80 I now am an advocate, and I have 28 patients.

Speaker 35 Wow. Amazing.
Incredible.

Speaker 105 Okay.

Speaker 6 What do they come to your house?

Speaker 27 What are you talking about?

Speaker 175 I call them. It's all telemedicine.

Speaker 27 What is it?

Speaker 126 Telemedicine.

Speaker 6 So you're lazy.

Speaker 67 You want to work from home?

Speaker 175 Hence the big ass.

Speaker 6 No, I'm very impressed with your figure. I like women that are just natural.

Speaker 6 Fuck working out. Fuck exercising.
Fuck saying no to an extra piece of cake perhaps.

Speaker 160 Oh my god.

Speaker 5 Never missed a meal in her whole fucking life.

Speaker 103 She's Okay.

Speaker 6 I'm going to finish that piece of steak.

Speaker 22 All right, all right, all right.

Speaker 6 Being a nurse, I mean, come on.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 83 Do you use like a filter when you're talking to your patients?

Speaker 54 Do you use like a catfish like filter so that they're getting good?

Speaker 23 I can't tell if you're laughing or crying.

Speaker 136 I really hope you're laughing right now.

Speaker 175 I am definitely laughing.

Speaker 3 Perfect, great, awesome.

Speaker 22 I got to be honest with you.

Speaker 77 It's the first time doing stand-up and she decides to do it here. Yeah.
That's fucking amazing. It really is.

Speaker 77 That's stupid.

Speaker 111 It really is.

Speaker 43 You're out of control. Like,

Speaker 108 you don't plan things well.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 149 We actually hate that.

Speaker 5 And I'm not crying.

Speaker 24 Turns out you do have bigger balls than Alex after all.

Speaker 34 Well, Hells Bells, congratulations.

Speaker 67 You got your start. Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 15 You're going to catch it?

Speaker 20 It's coming at you.

Speaker 9 I'm going to get it right in that hand.

Speaker 29 Oh, you panicked, Hells Bell.

Speaker 77 That's why she likes soccer players.

Speaker 22 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 118 At least I didn't panic earlier.

Speaker 88 I should have kicked it to you.

Speaker 6 And I want to say thank you for your service, medical professionals, you know.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 60 One more time for Hell's Bells, everybody.

Speaker 170 This episode is brought to you by Nature's Bounty. Nature's Bounty believes your body is brilliant, naturally designed to thrive.
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Terms apply. Learn more at AmericanExpress.com/slash business dash platinum.

Speaker 110 All right, we're keeping it moving along here.

Speaker 123 This young man has been on the show multiple times, always funny.

Speaker 60 Let's see what the new minute looks like from JP Hinsdale, everybody.

Speaker 60 Make some noise for JP, everyone.

Speaker 107 How's everybody else's bipolar MAC depression going?

Speaker 107 Fuck yeah, let's do this shit.

Speaker 107 See a lot of couples in the audience.

Speaker 89 What's up?

Speaker 15 I'm single.

Speaker 107 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 107 I'll jump.

Speaker 124 Okay?

Speaker 82 I warned you.

Speaker 107 No, man, it's if you are with somebody, stay.

Speaker 107 Like, stay where you are.

Speaker 107 I'm out here in the wilderness.

Speaker 107 There's nothing out here for you.

Speaker 107 It's just darkness on the edge of town.

Speaker 107 I was out with a girl recently, and she said, if you're lucky, I'll give you herpes tonight.

Speaker 107 I had to tell her I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment.

Speaker 22 I don't have health insurance.

Speaker 107 It's not okay, Cupid.

Speaker 107 That was my time. Thank you.

Speaker 114 Hell yeah.

Speaker 76 One more time for Hell's Bells with a Beard.

Speaker 9 I'm kidding.

Speaker 14 JP Hinsdale is back.

Speaker 94 Funny stuff. What did you start with?

Speaker 58 Bipolar?

Speaker 107 What did you say? Bipolar manic depression.

Speaker 16 You got that?

Speaker 42 Yes. Wow.

Speaker 126 Look at you.

Speaker 33 That's like your fourth or fifth biggest problem, JP.

Speaker 107 It's not even in the top 10, but let's go with it.

Speaker 76 I love it.

Speaker 23 One could say you're a bipolar bear.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 107 I bring the beef.

Speaker 116 How do you deal with it when you're at your low lows?

Speaker 15 We know you're not hiking or walking or anything.

Speaker 118 No.

Speaker 54 So what is it exactly?

Speaker 107 I was swimming, but the sea betrayed me, Tony.

Speaker 24 Yes, it did.

Speaker 55 They kept you in a tank at SeaWorld.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Your dorsal fin went soft.

Speaker 107 The kids stopped coming to see me. I couldn't splash anyone.
Right. It made me very sad.

Speaker 145 This is white fish.

Speaker 107 Yeah, I got a clog in my blowhole.

Speaker 127 It was.

Speaker 23 You literally do like.

Speaker 116 You do look like you haven't taken a shit in a year.

Speaker 107 Little do you know that's mostly what I do

Speaker 123 What do you like to do when you're sitting on the toilet?

Speaker 110 How do you kill the time?

Speaker 107 I'm just wondering when I'm gonna have my Elvis moment

Speaker 45 Like fame

Speaker 24 Yeah, you're talking about eating another peanut butter and banana sandwich Sure marrying a 15-year-old

Speaker 23 Let's check in with our senior

Speaker 55 obese handler correspondent, Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 6 I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

Speaker 6 I think what happened here, and I've mentioned this to a friend before, I hope I'm not being accused of repeating myself, but I think what happened here,

Speaker 6 your gym burnt down, didn't it?

Speaker 107 Close.

Speaker 107 It gave me an infection.

Speaker 32 Jesus. Wow.

Speaker 73 What do you mean?

Speaker 107 That's why

Speaker 107 I told you the sea betrayed me, Tony. It was actually the pool at an LA Fitness.

Speaker 14 Keep going.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 107 It got like really infected. I guess I had a cut or something because they didn't clean the pool right.

Speaker 107 And then I like, I got really, I got sick in a weird way.

Speaker 16 Can you explain to us the weird way that you got sick?

Speaker 107 I got crazy delusional.

Speaker 107 And I had a show that night.

Speaker 71 And

Speaker 107 I got an argument with my friend that didn't make any sense and I jumped out of the car in the middle of the highway which was that was on the way to the show so that was the first clue and then I was going doing the show and I had this bit because my friend's show was called Big Dog Sundays and I had I happened to have a dog sex mask

Speaker 107 yeah that's normal go ahead I could explain it to you but it really doesn't matter okay yeah and so I had this bit like I go up there with the mask and not explain it but I take it off eventually but I left left the mask on the entire set

Speaker 107 and people did not like it okay we get we got a little off track here we were talking about the infection from the pool at LA fitness then I got back to the house and our AZ was out but I was like freezing cold your AZ was out my my AC okay my AZ AZ okay

Speaker 107 but yeah and like I was like I had chills and they were like talking to each other trying to figure out if they should call the ambulance but I don't have health insurance so that was kind of the thing and then for a while there I couldn't walk for like a week because it just like my leg was just that fucked up so what did they say that you had I had I got an infection in my leg I never went to the doctor I just got better eventually I kept pouring nope you still got a fever bud

Speaker 107 because I'm lost during this fucking conversation you never went to the doctor dude I broke my leg and never went to the doctor you know me we've done this like that's why the legs fucked up in the first place dude you have to go to the doctor sometimes I would like to When's the last time you've been to a doctor?

Speaker 107 It's been a minute.

Speaker 107 Okay. It's been a minute.

Speaker 24 How many minutes?

Speaker 22 How many years?

Speaker 107 Two.

Speaker 14 Okay. It's not that bad.

Speaker 23 What did they say last time you were there?

Speaker 45 Come back more often?

Speaker 107 It's just like it got into a question about with the leg. They told me they had to break it again and put pins in it to make it right again.
And I couldn't take off time to do that.

Speaker 107 And then I just eventually got used to it, and then I was just like, you know what? I don't want to do

Speaker 77 take off time from what?

Speaker 107 I want to do this, so I do this.

Speaker 58 What'd you say, Ian?

Speaker 77 Take off time from what?

Speaker 29 Take off time from what?

Speaker 107 I was a mechanic.

Speaker 71 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 55 What are you now?

Speaker 122 Nothing.

Speaker 159 How do you make money?

Speaker 107 I have my ways.

Speaker 116 When you say ways, do you mean W-E-I-G-H-S?

Speaker 107 Okay, some people like some very specific videos and no.

Speaker 56 Look it up.

Speaker 70 Look it up. I'm talking about you.

Speaker 3 Fuck it. Look his up.

Speaker 82 Hey, don't.

Speaker 42 Look up Johnny Sepsis.

Speaker 158 Red Man, we're friends.

Speaker 10 Red Man, come on, buddy.

Speaker 23 Have we weighed you before on this show?

Speaker 82 Please don't.

Speaker 107 I just started a diet. I'm not ready to kill myself.

Speaker 123 Do you remember what you weighed last time? A lot.

Speaker 56 Do you remember what you weighed?

Speaker 31 What was it? 430.

Speaker 33 430.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Can we bring this scale out here real quick?

Speaker 11 I know, man.

Speaker 60 It's gonna be bad.

Speaker 64 I know.

Speaker 60 That's why I'm excited right now.

Speaker 77 Skinniest girl ever bring.

Speaker 24 The lovely Heidi is setting up the scale right now. Here we go.
JP Hinsdill.

Speaker 148 Heidi.

Speaker 104 You got eyes on that?

Speaker 128 Can you give me a read?

Speaker 77 Lean on him.

Speaker 76 What is it?

Speaker 55 445.4 pounds.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 109 JP.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 28 What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 25 What are you doing?

Speaker 16 We need to save your life right now.

Speaker 107 I know. I don't know.
I'm trying.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Okay.

Speaker 167 Jay, the last two.

Speaker 107 Yeah, dates, man.

Speaker 167 JP, the last two times you've been on, you've had really depressing fucking material.

Speaker 145 Like, that's not normal that you used to have.

Speaker 167 Are you going through like depression, like, hardcore?

Speaker 10 Red band. Have you been paying attention to that?

Speaker 128 No, I know one thing that's been happening.

Speaker 167 Did you ever have like medication for it? And like, you've gotten it?

Speaker 103 No.

Speaker 94 What are you talking about? That's the worst question.

Speaker 15 Literally, the whole set and interview we've been talking about.

Speaker 6 It could be seasonal depression.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 22 It has to either be winter, summer, fall.

Speaker 77 Is there a doctor in here that might want to take this case?

Speaker 67 Is there a doctor in the house?

Speaker 24 Clap your hands if you're an actual doctor.

Speaker 15 Is that an actual doctor?

Speaker 30 Or just some dumb bitch clapping for no reason?

Speaker 56 Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 107 I used to talk to my therapist every other week, but I lost the coverage I did have.

Speaker 6 Don't lose too much weight, because I'll tell you, and this is true for everybody here, the fatter your head, the smaller your ears look.

Speaker 127 That's great advice. It is.

Speaker 107 Thank you.

Speaker 6 And everybody's great little ears, doesn't he, though? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Because as we get older, your ears keep growing. That's why you see old people with big ass fucking ears, big fucking noses, because the cartilage in your ears and in your nose, they keep growing.

Speaker 10 This is such a great advice.

Speaker 115 Don't lose too much.

Speaker 107 I really appreciate it. You're like the grandpa that used to drink in front of me.

Speaker 82 Thank you.

Speaker 59 Let's check in with the great Ian bag.

Speaker 77 Apparently, there is a doctor here.

Speaker 146 Dr.

Speaker 165 Holtzman. Dr.

Speaker 3 Holtzman.

Speaker 77 Dr.

Speaker 22 Here is small.

Speaker 58 You have such an adorable.

Speaker 39 You have such an adorable giggle.

Speaker 69 Thank you.

Speaker 59 It's going to play so well in the In Memoriam video.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 107 Not the first to say that.

Speaker 22 Well, I bet.

Speaker 22 That's not a good sign. I bet that's your two friends this month.

Speaker 158 Still here.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 107 That wasn't funny. I'm sorry.

Speaker 107 That was me.

Speaker 135 I'm sorry.

Speaker 107 Oh, shit. This is bad.
Like, in

Speaker 157 fact, everybody. Come on.

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 105 Yeah, there we go. Okay, JP.
Well,

Speaker 87 let me just tell you that you use the code space80 at talkspace without a doubt.

Speaker 58 Go to talkspace.com/slash Tony.

Speaker 24 Enter promo code Space80.

Speaker 23 And you, my friend, can literally get $80 off your first month.

Speaker 22 We love Talkspace, man.

Speaker 25 Yeah, we love TalkSpace, and you should, too.

Speaker 107 I'm glad I was here for this. You really touched me with your targeted ads.

Speaker 172 Thank you.

Speaker 60 JP Hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Speaker 104 Put the mic back where you found it there, JP.

Speaker 21 It's the least you could do there.

Speaker 110 All right, I guess that's not really the spot, but okay.

Speaker 65 Guess that's just how he lives life.

Speaker 26 Just

Speaker 161 well,

Speaker 161 you guys ready for one last bucket pull, huh?

Speaker 108 All right, we'll make it quick.

Speaker 24 Make some noise for Isaac Butterfield, everybody.

Speaker 61 Isaac Butterfield.

Speaker 60 Here he is.

Speaker 138 Ah, good day, Austin. How are you?

Speaker 131 Fantastic to be here. I tell you what, I'm learning a lot about this beautiful city.
It's fantastic. It's gorgeous.
I was walking down 6th Street. I saw a lady on her back and I saw her pussy.

Speaker 72 That was fantastic.

Speaker 131 Wonderful to see. I tell you what, though, she was like, though, full legs spread.
I felt like I was in Dallas, though.

Speaker 131 It was an interesting pussy. It looked like JFK's exit wound.
It was full on. It was...

Speaker 131 No, it was. It was crazy.
There was a big old flap going over a Waymo. I saw Jackie Kennedy chasing.
It was fantastic, wonderful, great.

Speaker 131 Although I've been hearing some, I know this is a very progressive town, sir, with your pink hair, fantastic, good stuff.

Speaker 131 Very progressive. I saw that Barbie recently released a Down syndrome Barbie doll, which is very, very interesting.
There was a lot of other Barbie dolls as well. There was a black Barbie doll.

Speaker 131 There was an Asian Barbie doll. There was a Barbie doll in a wheelchair.
That was a cross-promotion with Hot Wheels, which is interesting.

Speaker 131 But the Down syndrome Barbie doll was my favourite.

Speaker 131 It had this,

Speaker 3 It was expensive.

Speaker 131 I wouldn't buy it personally. Just put the regular Barbie doll in the microwave for 25 seconds.
You get the same result.

Speaker 166 That's my

Speaker 22 thinking. Hello, Brian.

Speaker 43 How are you? You're well, sir.

Speaker 4 You're going Isaac.

Speaker 137 Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 81 Welcome, Isaac. Good to see you, sir.

Speaker 161 First time on the show, correct? Thank you.

Speaker 55 How are you? First time here?

Speaker 131 Yes, first time on Kiltoni. It's great to be here.
From what I hear backstage, you guys have been a fucking fantastic crowd.

Speaker 22 So good on you, thank you.

Speaker 4 Look at this stuff.

Speaker 73 Look at you trying to get them on your... What are you running for governor or something?

Speaker 22 Hello.

Speaker 127 Isaac.

Speaker 29 Do you live here in America?

Speaker 145 I do not.

Speaker 27 I'm from Australia.

Speaker 160 Oh, okay. From

Speaker 138 Newcastle.

Speaker 131 So kangaroo, echidna, etc.

Speaker 3 There you go. Well, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 9 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 131 11 years.

Speaker 154 11 years.

Speaker 22 Quite a while, yeah.

Speaker 60 How long have you been in Austin?

Speaker 131 For about a week and a half, so it's good. I'm never coming back in summer.
This is atrocious.

Speaker 140 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 35 It is is a warm around here.

Speaker 58 So this is your second time signing up for the show?

Speaker 131 Yeah, I was here last week, and

Speaker 131 Tony always talks about on Kill Tony about the amount of people that sign up. But there is a huge amount of people next door.
And

Speaker 131 it's an incredible thing that you and Brian have done. So congratulations to you two.

Speaker 22 Thank you very much.

Speaker 138 Not cock too much. Thank you.

Speaker 22 No, it's good. It's good to be here.

Speaker 79 Go ahead, Brian.

Speaker 6 Why don't you just suck everybody off up here?

Speaker 6 Suck the blind guy off, too.

Speaker 23 No, D-Madness, famously the most homophobic person on this stage.

Speaker 31 Right, like I literally just said no.

Speaker 52 Isaac, what do you do for work?

Speaker 131 I'm a comedian, so I'm a comedian from Australia and

Speaker 131 tour and all that type of stuff. I'd make YouTube videos as well.

Speaker 121 So, yeah.

Speaker 63 I love it. Tell us something crazy about your life.

Speaker 131 I have paratismal dyskinesia.

Speaker 172 Big fan?

Speaker 131 Yeah, which is a movement disorder where I lose control of my head and my neck and I go blind in my left eye.

Speaker 3 Fucking.

Speaker 121 How dare you, Brian? How dare you?

Speaker 31 Wait, when does this happen?

Speaker 75 How often does this happen?

Speaker 131 Rarely,

Speaker 131 but my biggest fear is it happening on stage. So I actually wink quite a bit when I'm on stage.
It's like a noob.

Speaker 55 That's crazy because I noticed that.

Speaker 24 I thought you just winked at Dee Bandness after he said no.

Speaker 23 And I thought you were trying to be funny But now that you mention it I see you just wink a lot with your left eye.

Speaker 131 I do I do it's very weird.

Speaker 55 I don't when you say you lose control of your head and neck can you like do an act out of kind of what it looks like like what happens when you have I would be honored

Speaker 131 Basically yeah turn the lights up.

Speaker 52 That'll fucking help

Speaker 131 I basically imagine trying to look behind yourself to see what's there.

Speaker 131 That's it like that and I go blind in my left eye, which is awesome. So bright lights aren't great for me, which is just fucking.

Speaker 131 But it's okay. So it hasn't happened on stage yet, but there is time, and that would be great for views.

Speaker 4 Absolutely.

Speaker 73 No doubt about it.

Speaker 77 You got nothing going on compared to the last guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 77 Good luck with your blindness. You should walk and talk to him afterwards.

Speaker 24 I could tell you had it better than the last guy when you said your diagnosis.

Speaker 15 Yo, he had an actual name of anything.

Speaker 56 Just like, it was an infection, Tony.

Speaker 3 It was an infection.

Speaker 22 I don't know. It was an infection.

Speaker 3 It was an infection.

Speaker 25 Diabetes causes blindness eventually, right?

Speaker 121 What does?

Speaker 3 Diabetes.

Speaker 56 Yeah, that too. Yeah.

Speaker 76 You saw him. You saw him back there.

Speaker 138 I had to fucking stand up like that to let him get past me, but that's

Speaker 43 allegedly.

Speaker 145 I don't know if it happened or not. Hell yeah.

Speaker 16 Isaac, you have a wife, girlfriend, Holtzman.

Speaker 6 You know, I thought you were... Winking at me, and now I know it's a medical problem.
I'm kind of disappointed.

Speaker 172 You look like you've sucked a clown off.

Speaker 108 He does look.

Speaker 76 That is it.

Speaker 76 You nailed it.

Speaker 148 You got him.

Speaker 124 I love your work, Mr. Holton.

Speaker 6 Fuck yourself.

Speaker 78 You have a wife, a girlfriend?

Speaker 131 I have a beautiful wife, Claire, and my son, Atticus. We're touring America at the moment, doing shows.
And so he gets to see the world. He's been...

Speaker 138 How old's Atticus?

Speaker 131 He is two and a half.

Speaker 131 First time he came to America, he was five months old and we got off the plane in austin he had his little fan on and he's a great man he finds farts hilarious and he's just a he's an absolute legend did you sign up for the show that last time you came to austin no i didn't no okay no i uh i was i was too scared tony okay because uh not to be a hero but i i usually do longer sets so a minute really scares me right and uh

Speaker 118 yeah

Speaker 64 holtzman killing with no microphone necessary just the first four

Speaker 160 just the first four rows cracking up and the whole table.

Speaker 11 Who cares about the millions watching around the world?

Speaker 56 Again, the senior veteran professional on stage, Brian Oltzman, the destroyer, no audio necessary.

Speaker 154 I love it.

Speaker 58 Isaac, what does your wife do?

Speaker 131 She is unemployed. She's a stay-at-home mom.
She's a failure.

Speaker 103 She's a whore.

Speaker 106 She's.

Speaker 81 No, she is a whore,

Speaker 56 but she's a good whore and she's got a lot of heart

Speaker 22 and no good woman.

Speaker 55 How long are you in town for, Isaac?

Speaker 131 I'm here until Wednesday, and then we're going to LA to the Hollywood improv.

Speaker 121 If you're around,

Speaker 131 and then into New York as well.

Speaker 70 Okay. Everywhere.

Speaker 131 I finally got a visa. That is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Getting a visa into America is ridiculous.

Speaker 133 What did you have to do to get it?

Speaker 131 I had to prove I was an alien of extraordinary ability.

Speaker 131 I had to show them articles about myself, and all of those articles say I'm a piece of shit.

Speaker 133 So

Speaker 131 that was tough. But it basically costs you a lot of money, and you have to

Speaker 131 prove to the people that you're a legit human being. And

Speaker 131 that's what I had to do and show that I was a comedian, etc., etc. But we're here.
We finally got here.

Speaker 22 It's a long time ago.

Speaker 59 I don't have to be looking over your shoulder anymore.

Speaker 81 It's great to be here.

Speaker 61 And I

Speaker 131 got to do the most American thing today. I got to shoot an AK-47.

Speaker 121 So

Speaker 13 amazing.

Speaker 55 Nothing better than a winky twitchy guy shooting an AK-47.

Speaker 77 I like the most American thing is shooting a Russian gun.

Speaker 172 That's very fair.

Speaker 28 Isaac, you're super likable, super cool, great stuff.

Speaker 133 Here's a big joke book.

Speaker 67 Thank you.

Speaker 22 There you go.

Speaker 159 Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 161 And that is it for the bucket fulls.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the show where normally there's only one man that can do it, but that man, William Montgomery, unfortunately,

Speaker 59 is not here tonight.

Speaker 64 It is correct.

Speaker 65 The rare night off for old Billy McGumballs, the old Memphis strangler.

Speaker 68 The vanilla gorilla is not here.

Speaker 24 And normally, in that kind of situation, we would have the cold-blooded Estonian assassin fill in for him.

Speaker 69 But again, unfortunately, all my stars are far away in the galaxy on this night.

Speaker 105 Except for one.

Speaker 69 I had to really fucking pull some strings to make this happen.

Speaker 23 I hope that it excites you as much as it excites me.

Speaker 63 As I bring to the stage who I believe is the next big superstar of the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 64 Fresh off of his first ever weekend opening for me, and I was very curious of how it was going to go.

Speaker 69 I've been doing this 18 years.

Speaker 64 He blew my fucking mind on the road doing these longer sets.

Speaker 149 And I present to you a pure thunderbolt of momentum.

Speaker 133 on a one-way trajectory of wild success.

Speaker 28 This is only the third ever appearance by the one and only Timmy Nobri

Speaker 139 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 139 All right, William isn't here, so he sent me his jokes

Speaker 139 Just gonna go through them.

Speaker 139 Elon Musk said in an interview this week that AI will replace Mexicans by 2028.

Speaker 139 To which Mexicans said, aye aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 139 Good job, William.

Speaker 139 This one just says, Tony, moving forward, can I go by Clifford, the big red angry retard?

Speaker 139 Okay, I think that might have been an interview thing. I don't fucking know.

Speaker 139 Okay, Vietnam invaded Italy this week. When asked why, they said forget about it.

Speaker 139 I think that needs work, William.

Speaker 139 Conservative activist Charlie Cook, nope, let's.

Speaker 139 Red Band, if you play the bear, I'm going to titty fuck you.

Speaker 40 All right.

Speaker 139 NASA's Perseverance Rover. My hands are shaking because I'm going through pussy withdrawal right now.
I haven't fucked in like two hours.

Speaker 139 It just, honestly, this just says the n-word a bunch of times. Let's just wrap it up right there.

Speaker 6 All right. Thank you, William.

Speaker 103 Boom.

Speaker 34 A minute, 25 seconds

Speaker 10 of the newest fucking Thunderbolt Timmy no brakes.

Speaker 29 All gas, no brakes, non-stop, so fun on the road, at home, anywhere you can find him.

Speaker 34 He's a blast. Yeah.

Speaker 98 New jacket I noticed tonight, Tim A. No bracks.

Speaker 22 This is a whole different version.

Speaker 139 You're not wrong, Tone.

Speaker 139 You didn't mention David Lucas was on the road with us. Yeah.

Speaker 14 And

Speaker 139 that guy sat on my leather jacket. It exploded.
And

Speaker 139 he gave me his leather jacket. And

Speaker 139 just kidding.

Speaker 2 This is too small.

Speaker 139 But yeah, fun times on the road, Tone.

Speaker 34 It was unbelievable.

Speaker 79 I don't want to give anything away, but oh my God, you are so different.

Speaker 37 It's so bizarre and fun and different.

Speaker 66 There's no other way to describe it.

Speaker 69 You don't even think like other comedians do.

Speaker 92 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Thanks.

Speaker 139 That's a nice thing to say, Tone. That's really, really nice.
Thank you.

Speaker 89 Thank you.

Speaker 82 He was fucking right.

Speaker 22 This looks like a clown just on his show.

Speaker 10 It's unbelievable, right?

Speaker 81 It's crazy.

Speaker 56 It's like fucking...

Speaker 139 Adolf Hitler became a magician.

Speaker 76 What the fuck?

Speaker 11 It is.

Speaker 18 It looks like he got splashed by one of those people protesting oil or something like that.

Speaker 119 A little bit.

Speaker 162 A little bit.

Speaker 6 Fuck yourself.

Speaker 139 I'll take it, Grandpa.

Speaker 22 Now he's done.

Speaker 30 Timmy No Breaks, one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 90 Fuck this jacket. I'm taking this shit.

Speaker 139 You want this, Michael?

Speaker 105 I'll fuck it. All right.

Speaker 69 Michael's going to disappear in that jacket.

Speaker 124 Love him.

Speaker 77 It is unbelievable how tiny big Mike Gonzalez is.

Speaker 112 Coming fresh off of a victory.

Speaker 38 Oh my god, look at him.

Speaker 34 He's just lost in his sleeve.

Speaker 24 Oh my god, that is adorable.

Speaker 126 You look like one of those.

Speaker 42 You look just like David Lucas.

Speaker 99 You look like a little Eskimo over there.

Speaker 58 Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 63 Tell us, what have you been doing lately for fun? You're always up to, you know, some real ruckus.

Speaker 139 Yeah, just being, just plowing through push. And

Speaker 139 I mean, it was great to be on the road with you. That was really fun.
You and David, we got up to crazy stuff. I love seeing your routine.

Speaker 139 You know, like, kind of like what you do after the shows, like that thing you did when you...

Speaker 139 So like after every show, he smokes cigarettes, he has some drinks, and then he does his thing where he has a bunch of 17-year-olds that are about to turn 18 at midnight just line up outside of his hotel room

Speaker 139 and

Speaker 139 they fucks him one by one. And I thought that was pretty creative and like cool and like whatever, you know.
So it was fun. It's been good to get to know you.

Speaker 124 Yeah, it was good.

Speaker 45 Fresh.

Speaker 139 What was that?

Speaker 81 What? What the fuck did you just say?

Speaker 11 Yeah, I read that.

Speaker 157 What the fuck do you just say?

Speaker 144 Dumbass!

Speaker 7 Dumbass!

Speaker 22 Try to do William.

Speaker 139 I'm trying to fucking

Speaker 43 fuck you.

Speaker 157 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 24 Timmy, I gotta tell you, you know, for someone who's there's this place is in chaos.

Speaker 142 I mean, this is what you create.

Speaker 31 It's always a ruckus.

Speaker 35 And I'm sure millions of people are watching around the world right now.

Speaker 63 And I mean, you are that guy right now.

Speaker 79 You are the fastest rising stock in the show.

Speaker 99 Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell perhaps a young comic out there who might be thinking about chasing their dreams?

Speaker 139 Why don't you have your moment and tell them are you trying to fuck me right now what's going on no I'm trying to have you okay well first of all put subtitles on everything throughout the entire episode

Speaker 139 so you have to do that red band but William did give me a list it was Epstein's list

Speaker 139 So I was just gonna, I don't know, I could read that maybe.

Speaker 108 Yeah, you want the lights or the music a certain way, whatever, you know, do your thing, Timmy.

Speaker 139 Yeah, whatever you do for William is good. If you're trying to be a comedian and that's your dream, fucking quit.
You're never gonna make it.

Speaker 124 Okay,

Speaker 139 let's see how this goes. All right.

Speaker 5 Brendan Spears.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 6 Christina Aguilera.

Speaker 157 Raven Shimone.

Speaker 139 That's actually so Raven.

Speaker 157 The cast of Nickelodeons, all that.

Speaker 139 Oh, that's actually the victim list.

Speaker 2 That's fucking weird.

Speaker 139 Yeah, my bad.

Speaker 139 It just says

Speaker 139 on the... It says D-Madness times 500.
I don't.

Speaker 139 To be fair,

Speaker 139 they probably sounded 19, you know?

Speaker 139 Am I right?

Speaker 127 Am I right?

Speaker 69 Timmy always going for that fist bump with D madness.

Speaker 22 I think, I don't think he has. Is he like blind or something?

Speaker 84 He is. He's blind.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 157 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 24 We call him Timmy No Eyes.

Speaker 52 Whoa.

Speaker 45 Okay. Whoa.

Speaker 157 If you could have seen what I saw.

Speaker 131 Whoa.

Speaker 23 Timmy, any parting words?

Speaker 103 Anything you want to tell the people watching around the world?

Speaker 139 Fucking.

Speaker 89 Fuck you.

Speaker 148 You did a big you've been doing a lot of headlining gigs.

Speaker 30 You did a big jazz club.

Speaker 81 Yeah, I did a huge jazz club.

Speaker 139 It was a, I think it was a 50,000-seater or something.

Speaker 139 Sioux Falls. I don't know if you guys have been there.
It's like South Dakota, whatever. Big show.

Speaker 139 Yeah, big line out the front. And yeah, I just gave it my all.
And they said it was good. I think the New York Times was there.
They did an op-ed.

Speaker 139 I think Vulture.com was there. They did an op-ed.

Speaker 139 I think Redband's mom was there.

Speaker 76 She did a fucking op-ed on my fucking car.

Speaker 26 Timmy New Rainbow, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.

Speaker 80 The future has arrived.

Speaker 130 This episode brought to you by Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Spotify.

Speaker 161 One more time for Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 60 The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in.
It is incredible. It is Holtzman in Ian Bag.

Speaker 29 Ladies and gentlemen, go to IanBag.com.

Speaker 60 He is on tour. I swear to God, if you see him live, your mind will be blown.
Truly one of the best comedians out there. He has the Husky Boys podcast available everywhere.

Speaker 60 And Brian Holtzman, as always, has brought visual plugs. On Facebook, he's Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 60 On YouTube, he's Brian Holtzman now. I guess...

Speaker 60 Oh, I see. Okay, it is two-sided.
And on Instagram, he's at Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 60 He prints these up and laminates them instead of just telling me and me writing them down he actually brings them was brian holtzman not available on youtube you needed brian holtzman now

Speaker 103 yeah

Speaker 17 uh

Speaker 77 how about one more time for uh yeah ian thanks for having us man thank you so much

Speaker 60 thank you for having us huskyboys podcast ianbag.com that's ian i a n b a g g double g

Speaker 60 and brian holtzman does the late show every thursday in the fat man Man, 10 p.m.

Speaker 60 So technically you could go to Red Band's Secret Show, double up, come see Holtzman and the Fat Man for a perfect fucking five, six hours of stand-up comedy on a Thursday night if you find yourself in Austin, Texas, and life is good.

Speaker 60 I'm going to be doing some stand-up. Check out my dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com, Red Band.

Speaker 122 Check out my fake band Cap Red7 new video VCR on YouTube right now.

Speaker 60 It is AI music, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 68 One of the most...

Speaker 122 I write the lyrics and make the beats.

Speaker 60 Amazing. Unbelievable stuff.
It is incredible.

Speaker 69 He plugs in the words and...

Speaker 122 I write lyrics and upload beats and have AI sing it for me.

Speaker 60 How do you make the beats?

Speaker 122 On Friday Loops and GarageBand.

Speaker 172 Wow.

Speaker 60 It's getting unbelievable. The musician Brian Redband has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.
Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, Shopify, everybody. Live audience, we love you.
We'll see you again next week.

Speaker 60 Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 53 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 53 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Speaker 53 Go to SunsetstriptATX.com for tickets.

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