#738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Redman, Cody Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hitchcliffe!

Speaker 2 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh?

Speaker 2 Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 2 Yes, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 2 The great John Bees on the keys.

Speaker 2 That is D-Madness live in the flesh.

Speaker 2 And how about one more time joining us tonight? How exciting is this?

Speaker 4 The great and powerful Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 It is happening. Love and fear at the sphere in Las Vegas set for December 2025 and January 2026 and the new album Love and Fear releases night one of their sphere performances.

Speaker 2 That's Friday, December 5th. One more time for Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Joining us all night. We're going to have some fun.
Fucking welcome to the chaos, Zach. I love it.
We're going to have a blast tonight, people. This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you.

Speaker 2 How many of you have been fans for a long time?

Speaker 2 Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 2 Make some noise if you live somewhere else and flew in because you were able to get tickets to this show. Unbelievable.

Speaker 2 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew.

Speaker 2 You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blue Chew. And it's

Speaker 2 not just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer-lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk.

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Speaker 2 On October 17th, I'm an angel.

Speaker 7 See the wings?

Speaker 6 Don't miss the new comedy Good Fortune, starring Seth Rogan, Aziz Ansari, and Kiana Reeves. Critics Rave, heats haven't sent.

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Speaker 2 Kinda. You were very unhelpful.

Speaker 6 Good fortune, directed by Aziz Ansari.

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Speaker 2 Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh?

Speaker 2 Wow. I mean, we got...
An episode sponsored by Talkspace. We got Zach Brown.
We got the best stand band in the land. Every single week, I booked two of the funniest people in the world this week.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. Top, tippity, tippity, top.
As good as it fucking gets. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino and Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Andrew motherfucking Santino is back.

Speaker 2 Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 2 One of the front runners for guests of the year.

Speaker 2 Jimmy Carr is back.

Speaker 2 Santino is back. White Noise is on Hulu.
He's on tour, AndrewSantino.com. Jimmy Carr, one of the nominees, 2025 Guest of the Year, is back.

Speaker 2 Stiff competition. Rob Schneider, Carrot Top, you, James McCann.
It's fucking crazy runnings. And you are back and in it looking better than ever.

Speaker 2 Me and you, often confused for two ventriloquist dummies. And here we are working together.
Working together.

Speaker 12 It's Goosebumps Meet's Toy Store.

Speaker 2 Welcome back, Jimmy. JimmyCarr.com.
He's on tour all over the world, Aussie, New Zealand, the entire world. JimmyCarr.com.

Speaker 2 How you doing, Jimmy?

Speaker 12 I'm having a great time. I'm very, very pleased to be here.
Kind of excited about this.

Speaker 2 Yes, me too.

Speaker 12 Nice to be helping young talent.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. Andrew Santino, it has been way too long of a goddamn time.

Speaker 5 It's been a long time. It's good to be back.
Hello, Mothership. Great to be here.

Speaker 2 started together.

Speaker 2 18 years ago, we were doing stand-up together all over Los Angeles.

Speaker 5 We started together

Speaker 5 back when you were in your 50s.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, you fall.

Speaker 5 You fucking walking mummy. All right.

Speaker 5 Shoot at me, James.

Speaker 2 Ooh, a little chemistry here.

Speaker 5 I like it.

Speaker 5 She started shit.

Speaker 2 It's a little fucking salt and cinnamon over here.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 5 Don't.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 yeah, so Andrew, it's been so long that you've been on the show that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get into tonight's bucket.

Speaker 2 It is absolutely incredible. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 2 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 2 Which rudely interrupts them and then I conduct an interview. We have some fun We find out more about them the whole thing is improvised.
Anything can happen.

Speaker 2 I'm going to let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've ever seen in my entire life. You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player.

Speaker 2 I mean, look at the black of color on these people. It is incredible.

Speaker 12 I think they might be ghosts.

Speaker 2 Yeah. This is fucking crazy.

Speaker 5 Are you a couple?

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's unfortunate.

Speaker 2 If you guys make a baby, it's just going to look like a cup of cum.

Speaker 2 Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight.

Speaker 2 If you come on her tits, does it just look like nothing?

Speaker 15 Let's try.

Speaker 2 Let's see it. We want to see your ghost come, dude.
All right, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to start it with a golden ticket winner while we go wrangle.
This ghost cum, right?

Speaker 2 This is the ghost come episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 2 While we go wrangle that bucket pull from the bar next door, as that person finds out that their life has changed and they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy, we're going to bring out a golden ticket winner to start off with a brand new minute.

Speaker 2 Really, one of the most neurotic young comedians coming up.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody. Here we go.

Speaker 2 I got Roadhead! I did it!

Speaker 16 And that should be illegal. No one should ever have roadhead ever.
It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me.

Speaker 16 And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked

Speaker 16 while driving. It is horrifying.
And

Speaker 16 if you ever are offering someone roadhead, don't offer them roadhead because we can't say no to that.

Speaker 16 It's like offering a Coke addict cocaine. It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow.
And that's a pun. And

Speaker 16 so, you know, it was happening for me, and we were driving, and it was fantastic, but I'm panicking because that's what happens when you get roadheaded.

Speaker 16 Because people can see you while you're driving, dude.

Speaker 2 So you're just sitting there fucking trying

Speaker 12 to make like you're just driving.

Speaker 16 And we were driving, and there was a UPS driver who pulled up next to us. And you know, they have the big mail trucks, dude.

Speaker 18 And I'm panicking, and I look over at him.

Speaker 16 And he's looking at me, and he goes,

Speaker 16 And that's what I learned.

Speaker 19 I come from positive affirmation.

Speaker 19 No, no, no, don't clap. Stop.

Speaker 19 Stop, please. Stop clapping.

Speaker 19 Stop, no.

Speaker 2 By God, he's coming, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 I'm going to cut you off right there, Jack. Welcome, welcome.
That was great, Jimmy.

Speaker 12 Can I ask where your mother was driving you?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You cannot.

Speaker 2 Jack, that was fun.

Speaker 2 That type of bit plays right into your awkward nervous neurosis. What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 I'm like a cool guy.

Speaker 2 Andrew.

Speaker 14 I'm like a cool guy. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Go ahead, Andrew.

Speaker 12 Yeah, this is...

Speaker 5 Trump was right. Tylenol during pregnancy.

Speaker 17 Trump was fucking right on the money, dude.

Speaker 2 This is bad. It's getting really bad.

Speaker 2 It's amazing. Totally relatable to people that have had Roadhead before.

Speaker 2 Where was this? Oh, I was on the way back from Yosemite.

Speaker 16 We were on a big mountain. And I think because we were on a big mountain, she was like, oh,

Speaker 2 suck your dick. Wow.

Speaker 2 It's like, yeah.

Speaker 2 Amazing.

Speaker 3 Have you ever had Roadhead?

Speaker 2 Yes. I'll ask you the question.

Speaker 2 What kind of car were you driving when getting this roadhead?

Speaker 16 I was driving my fiat.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, it's a tiny little car.

Speaker 16 Oh, it's a tiny car. It's a tiny car.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jimmy. It was cramped.
All right.

Speaker 12 Are you a cartoon?

Speaker 12 You have a very cartoon vibe.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 12 I mean, I love it.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 12 But you don't feel like a real boy.

Speaker 2 Have you seen your face?

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 12 actually pretty reasonable.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's so scary.

Speaker 2 Jimmy.

Speaker 12 The issue is the laugh suits you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it does.

Speaker 2 When did you start laughing like that?

Speaker 12 I've always had like an inny laugh. A weird inny.

Speaker 12 I've got a theory on it.

Speaker 12 I think I must have rubbed a magic lamp at some point and a magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes and there must have been a mix-up, but something lost in translation.

Speaker 12 Now instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one.

Speaker 16 Tony, you stay quiet over there. It's just me and Jimmy now.

Speaker 2 Okay, Jimmy. Okay, never mind.
All right. Very funny.

Speaker 16 Sorry, I thought that was going to be so funny.

Speaker 2 And I'm being groomed.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're being reverse groomed.
Yeah, my bad. The pedophile has become the rubber.
Oh, wait, no. I said that wrong.
The victim has become the pedophile.

Speaker 2 There it is. Could have been better the first time, but all right.
Jack, what else is going on in life? Everything good?

Speaker 17 You know,

Speaker 16 I've been trying to find ways to deal with my anxiety, and I've been nervous to talk about this, but

Speaker 16 I've and people in my life don't know about this, but I've been

Speaker 16 I've found a way to deal with it, and I've been jazz scatting.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's check what you want to do a a little jazz scatting for the next one?

Speaker 17 I was thinking I could. I think I could jazz scat a little bit.

Speaker 13 Okay. Just

Speaker 2 Jack's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about five minutes.

Speaker 2 He is literally at four minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now. And I can just feel it creeping on.
Like, I kind of get sick of him. He's always great for a minute.
Here he is. Jazz scatting.

Speaker 2 It's Jack Shaw, everybody.

Speaker 2 Wow, unbelievably stupid

Speaker 2 We're gonna check in with our senior music correspondent tonight Zach Brown. What did you think about that jazz scatting that you just heard right there?

Speaker 21 I threw open my mouth a little bit.

Speaker 2 Perfect, yes.

Speaker 2 I think we all did. We all had a lot of time.

Speaker 12 I feel like I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is true. He does have those creepy vibes.
Andrew Santino.

Speaker 5 Yeah, just once again, the Jews stealing black art lies.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Once again, dude.

Speaker 3 It is. Amazing.

Speaker 12 I was afraid of that, but I have jazz in my heart and cum in my pants.

Speaker 2 So that's...

Speaker 2 Okay, sorry. Wow.
All right. All right.
Well, you got tonight started for us. I showed everybody how it goes.
Jack Shaw, ladies.

Speaker 19 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 2 And it has begun, everybody.

Speaker 2 To the bucket we go. This is the bread and butter of the show where truly anything can happen.
We meet people together.

Speaker 2 Sometimes it's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming an arena actor on SNL. Anything can happen.
We're finding the next talent.

Speaker 2 Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily, and it turns out life hits hard.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy.

Speaker 2 Y'all good?

Speaker 22 Hell yeah, man. So I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months and saw in the news, the reporters said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle.

Speaker 22 And one of them stabbed the other and murdered him. And that shit made me sad.
Because, like, 40 years of being on this earth, and I ain't know what kerfuffle meant.

Speaker 22 I was looking up, where's Kerfuffle, Texas, on Google and shit.

Speaker 22 Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool. But my grandparents celebrated, they were 60 years together before they passed away.

Speaker 22 And I asked her, like, what's your secret for a long relationship like that? My grandmother was like, it's not, don't worry, it's not going to happen for you.

Speaker 22 And I'm like, damn, why not and she was like because we've known each other since we were children and i'm like that's beautiful like how did y'all even know each other since y'all were kids and she was like because we're cousins

Speaker 22 so it's it's true we're not i will never achieve what they achieved because i broke up with my cousin years ago

Speaker 2 marvin izzy all right

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, welcome back to the show Marvin. I remember you you've been on before.
Yes, sir. How's it going?

Speaker 22 It's been going great, man. I've been out here living in Austin for nine months, and it's fucking beautiful out here, man.
I love it.

Speaker 2 Right. Well, how do you make money, Marvin?

Speaker 4 So I...

Speaker 12 It's a very good question.

Speaker 22 I have a day job. I mean, I work for this factory company just doing assembly work and shit, just handle the inventory.

Speaker 2 That's right. What are you putting together in the factory?

Speaker 22 Just computer parts and stuff. Really can't say too much about it.
They made me sign like NDAs and stuff.

Speaker 2 Oh, perfect. Well, then you've already said too much.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love it. Marvin, what have you been doing for fun in life other than what have you been doing? A lot of open mics?

Speaker 22 Yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff. You know, sign up for the mothership every Monday, sign up here every Monday, and like Creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out to.

Speaker 2 What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up?

Speaker 22 Honestly, I just like to chill in my crib. Like, you know, just chill in your crib.
Yeah, just chill in my house, you know.

Speaker 12 We are like peas in a pot.

Speaker 12 I love to chill in my crib.

Speaker 17 Indeed, you do.

Speaker 24 I feel like,

Speaker 12 is there a drug assist going on here?

Speaker 14 Weed.

Speaker 12 Oh, weed. You're not counting that as a...
Yes.

Speaker 15 That's it.

Speaker 25 Drugs. No.
That makes sense.

Speaker 2 What do you do when you're chilling at the crib? What exactly do you do?

Speaker 22 I like to have a little drink, sit on my little patio area, just look at the stars and shit. Look at the stars.

Speaker 2 Look at you.

Speaker 2 Entertain the shit. I love this guy.

Speaker 5 I think you're a fucking beautiful human being.

Speaker 5 Because you came out with that, yo, yo, that's what up.

Speaker 5 And then now we talk and you're like, well, I like to sit on the patio.

Speaker 5 You're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom.

Speaker 2 I fucking.

Speaker 5 I like you, dude.

Speaker 22 I am actually polite, you know?

Speaker 22 Yeah, but I am from the hood.

Speaker 5 Where are you from?

Speaker 22 I'm originally from Bronx, New York.

Speaker 2 Okay. What's the craziest thing you ever saw in the streets of the Bronx?

Speaker 22 Oh, shit.

Speaker 22 I seen a dude get stabbed over a Heineken bottle.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 That's cool.

Speaker 12 They call that a kerfuffle.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Little.

Speaker 2 Indeed, they do. A little Puerto Rican payback right there.

Speaker 12 It's like Freaky Friday.

Speaker 2 He's being me.

Speaker 2 Amazing. What did you do when you saw that? Did you try to help the stabbing victim?

Speaker 22 No, I just screamed, oh, in shock. And I lived right, it happened right across the street from a police station.

Speaker 2 I'm like, oh!

Speaker 2 Like that. Oh, like, oh, you know.
Is that how you said it?

Speaker 22 Yeah, something like that. Like, oh, shit, you know, like.

Speaker 2 That was the type of blood that was pouring out of the innocent victim. It was type O.
Yeah.

Speaker 27 Type O, yeah.

Speaker 2 Why'd I do that? Way to help them.

Speaker 22 Yeah, nah. And then there was a police station right across the street.
So we looked at them and was like, yo, come help. And they told us to call 911.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 It's a bureaucracy.

Speaker 2 You have to go to this. There's an order of events there.
You can't just wave at the police. Yeah, silly.

Speaker 12 I got genuine feedback, if that's appropriate. Let's do it.
You're adorable when you smile. Like, you've got a really lovely smile.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 12 And yet you came out and you were very kind of, it was quite a harsh, kind of tough guy thing. I think laughing a little bit would be good with your set.

Speaker 22 I think I was just more focused on it because, you know, my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now.

Speaker 2 Definitely not. I remember it was terrible.

Speaker 12 But I like it when he giggles.

Speaker 2 It's true. It's kind of funny.
Jimmy's got a point. You can be focused and smile at the same time.
I'm just saying that. Oh, Loki Doki.
You do your own thing. I'm sorry.
All right.

Speaker 2 There we go.

Speaker 22 It's right how someone compliments like my giggle and stuff because someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican Krusty the Clown.

Speaker 4 So thank you.

Speaker 22 I'm sorry. Is it you were saying? I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Oh, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity.
Really, thank you. Wow, what an opportunity you've given me.
I'm so glad you pulled me out of your fucking bucket tonight so that I can talk on your show.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 5 What is this tattoo on your farm? What does that say?

Speaker 22 This is my daughter's name. It says Layla.

Speaker 2 That says Layla?

Speaker 2 Can we get a close-up on that?

Speaker 12 Because that does not say fucking language.

Speaker 2 No, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 What language is that?

Speaker 22 It's calligraphy. And

Speaker 22 I guess in the princess did it or something. I did it when I was like 18 or some shit.

Speaker 4 He won Say Layla.

Speaker 22 Now, you know, I...

Speaker 2 Did you stab the tattoo artist with a Heineken bottle after that?

Speaker 22 No, no, I didn't get into any kerfuffles with him.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 5 Layla. Yeah.
Like the captain's song.

Speaker 15 What song?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Cultured.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 21 You don't know Layla. Layla.

Speaker 5 Got me on my knees, Layla.

Speaker 2 You don't know that song? No, I really don't. It's kind of like if Bad Bunny slowed it down and had rhythm.

Speaker 2 i don't listen to bad bunny either i didn't know you couldn't sing

Speaker 22 every time you've been on you had a little joke book yeah and i uh actually wanted to ask a weird thing i wanted to trade in my little joke book

Speaker 2 and i wanted to see if you guys somebody here wanted to do something cool oh boy really your moment huh jesus christ holy shit bro i said i'm prepared for this more than you did for the fucking minute took you 35 seconds to get to the kerfuffle punchline, but here you are.

Speaker 4 Well, I'd like to stop and

Speaker 2 I'd like to do something special. What are you? Accepting a fucking Emmy award or not.

Speaker 12 I think he's going to try and fuck Tony.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think so. Wants to shove the joke book up my ass.
What's going on?

Speaker 22 So this will be the second time that I'm doing this.

Speaker 22 I'm going to cut my hair off and donate it for children to get wigs made out of. Wow.
So I wanted to know.

Speaker 2 Some kid with cancer out there is going to have a greasy pony. Cut it off? Oh, okay, great.

Speaker 2 Wait, what?

Speaker 22 Andrew's going to cut off the tail here.

Speaker 2 I don't want to fucking look at it anymore. I was

Speaker 2 sneak a pair of scissors in here. I hope y'all do.
I can't bring any.

Speaker 12 You got a knife? This guy's got a crazy knife.

Speaker 2 Wait a second. What are we doing here?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 This is how it all ends, everybody.

Speaker 2 Man,

Speaker 2 man stabbed with Zach Brown's knife. Kill Tony, Zach Brown, we're all getting canceled at the same time.

Speaker 2 Joe Rogan's just like, oh, out.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable.

Speaker 2 All right. That is a fucking knife.

Speaker 2 That is a powerful knife.

Speaker 12 This is great. You can add hairdressing to your resume.

Speaker 2 It's incredible.

Speaker 5 He's trying to follow in your footsteps, Dad.

Speaker 2 It's incredible. Beautiful.

Speaker 5 This is very healthy hair as well.

Speaker 2 Why is it still in your hand? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, I realize if I put it down, it will go away.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's so disgusting. Get that away from us.
Please hand it to... No, no, no, no, no.
No!

Speaker 2 It's for the cancer kids.

Speaker 2 It's almost October.

Speaker 5 Where do you guys want?

Speaker 4 Where do you want?

Speaker 2 You hold it. I want to trade this in.
Give it to that guy. You want to what?

Speaker 22 I want to trade this in.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are we going to do do with that? You psycho. Spent too much time.
I was going to

Speaker 2 be staring at the stars. You keep your little joke book.
All right. Keep your little joke book, and you've moved up to a medium joke book.
There you go.

Speaker 2 And the show has begun with Marvin Isby.

Speaker 2 Fucking.

Speaker 2 There's something disgusting to me about that hair. Get out of here, Marvin.
Go.

Speaker 2 Jesus. Fucking just one more thing.

Speaker 2 I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and shit.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair better than the beautiful Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. HeidiRegina.com, her new website.
She has a new podcast with the great Valerie Dr.

Speaker 24 Dandriff all over this table. Very good.

Speaker 2 Red Band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big dandruff line in there, everyone. If you look back at the video, he's waiting.
He's got the mic up to his mouth to say there's dandruff.

Speaker 2 I'll stop being polite. I'll stop being polite.
Polite? That is a compliment. It's not dandruff.
It's actual hair. There is small pieces of hair.
Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew.

Speaker 2 You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blue Chew. And it's not just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.
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Speaker 2 If you catch my dream. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Wow. That's crazy.
Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about legacy or third legacy.
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Speaker 2 You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Blue Chew.

Speaker 2 Discover your options at Blue Chew.com, and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew for rate.

Speaker 2 Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it.
Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Go to Blue Chew.com for details and safety info.

Speaker 2 And big thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 2 Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.
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Speaker 2 You guys ready for your next bucket pull? You get it?

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Justin Tamayo, everybody.
Justin Tamayo.

Speaker 21 So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands. And when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, if you look just right out there,

Speaker 21 you can see Epstein's Island.

Speaker 3 I'm like, what the fuck? He looked over at his wife. He's like, what the fuck?

Speaker 21 He said, yeah, and if you go on the beach, you grab a seashell, you can hear a kid cry.

Speaker 13 Yeah, it's fucked up.

Speaker 21 Y'all laughed at that, but that's

Speaker 21 yeah. Um, sorry, you got any single people here?

Speaker 21 Yeah, fuck yeah. I'm doing that online dating, or what I call, I keep getting tricked by fat girls.

Speaker 21 The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones.

Speaker 21 Because, no, that is not the threesome I want to have.

Speaker 2 I'm Justin Tamayo. Thank you guys.
Justin Tamayo, everybody. Welcome, Justin.

Speaker 19 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 2 Absolutely, man. I love it.
How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 21 About two and a half and some change.

Speaker 2 Where at?

Speaker 21 Just local Austin Anderson Mill Pub. Gotta love that.
The open mic. You can get on there.
It's it's hard as shit.

Speaker 2 Wow. Amazing.
I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson Pub. Hey, I hardly do that.

Speaker 2 It's so hard to do. Andrew Santina.

Speaker 5 I love your disdain for fat girls. I think that's great.
I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women. I like that, dude.
That's good.

Speaker 17 Especially because you're in such good shape.

Speaker 5 I like that you're like...

Speaker 5 Fuck these fat girls, man. That's cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Fuck them, dude. Right on.
Good for you, dude.

Speaker 2 Rock and roll.

Speaker 2 How often are you getting tricked by fat girls? How often does this happen?

Speaker 21 It happens a lot, and I'm sure every guy here can attest to it.

Speaker 2 What's the trick that they're doing?

Speaker 2 No one.

Speaker 2 How do they trick you? What are they doing? Are they using filters on their pictures?

Speaker 21 Well, it's the angles, man. It's the angles, the hair.
They put the hair, and they prompt the titties up there.

Speaker 8 And it's just every guy's like, yes, swipe.

Speaker 2 And then they're like, fuck. They see him.
So you end up out on dates with these people. Nope.
Nope. And then what do you, what, how does it go? Do you end up finishing anyway?

Speaker 2 Because you're already committed?

Speaker 21 No, I mean.

Speaker 2 What do you do? Fake a stomachache and go home early? It's good. That's good, actually.
It is good.

Speaker 21 No.

Speaker 8 So what I started doing was meeting them at Wendy's.

Speaker 21 And I do.

Speaker 2 Is that true? Wait, what is this thing? I do a little drive-by. Oh.
Man, this happens a lot. It did.

Speaker 17 It did. Are you sure you don't want anything?

Speaker 21 No, I mean the worst thing they get a frosty out of it and everybody's happy, right?

Speaker 2 Okay, but seriously though, like what's the limit? Like when do you decide, Jimmy Carr, you want to jump in on this?

Speaker 12 Well, yeah, I mean the fat shaming thing, I mean if you come on, lighten up.

Speaker 12 And do you not like a larger lady? There's more cushion for the pushing.

Speaker 12 That's something.

Speaker 21 Honestly, it's I have a air mattress topper and if they're bigger than me, we just fall in there like a black hole.

Speaker 5 Oh, this is an insecurity thing, is what this is.

Speaker 21 No, I just want to be able to fuck, honestly.

Speaker 2 Okay. I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole.

Speaker 12 Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 It's hot out here.

Speaker 12 Solid advice, I would say.

Speaker 12 Solving for comfort, I see. I like the Epstein Island thing.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Yeah.
It was good. It was good.
How did you break your nose when you were younger? Fuck.

Speaker 12 I'm going to guess it was a fat girl.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I'm going to guess that there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their friends afterwards and go, yeah, this fucking guy had a real crooked nose.
It was weird.

Speaker 2 It was like staring at his face. It looked good in the pictures because of the angles.

Speaker 2 But then when we were at Wendy's eating our baconators together with red ban across the restaurant from us, I couldn't help but to notice that his nose was crooked as all shit.

Speaker 2 It was all I could pay attention to and think of. So basketball accident or something?

Speaker 21 I gotta tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you got a crooked nose right now.

Speaker 2 Right now, you've never been told this before? Never. Oh my god.

Speaker 5 You've never been photographed before?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Must be the angle of your mirror, man.

Speaker 12 Wait till he hears what happened to his mustache.

Speaker 2 What do you do for work, Justin?

Speaker 21 This is, um, I'm a pool guy.

Speaker 2 Okay. Clean pools.
Clean pools. All right.
Fat girls, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Catch some whales in that net.

Speaker 2 With your little shark fin nose.

Speaker 2 Fuck, man. Yeah, dude.
It's crooked as a motherfucker, dude.

Speaker 2 Just

Speaker 12 so you're on the online dating apps. I'm not really an aficionado of such things, but how do you describe your body type?

Speaker 21 I'm finding out right now, probably wrong, and I should have put in the crooked nose part now.

Speaker 12 But the crooked nose is the least of your worries.

Speaker 2 Is it? Fuck. Oh, my God.

Speaker 12 I'm talking more about the, what are you? You're like a B-cup, right?

Speaker 2 Yay.

Speaker 2 I think he has them pushed up a little bit tonight.

Speaker 2 What do you have in your bio on your dating app?

Speaker 21 Honestly, I don't online date anymore.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 3 That was an old joke.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Been cooking it.

Speaker 21 I've been loving getting roasted by you guys for it, so it's great.

Speaker 2 I love it. Oh, you'll be all right.

Speaker 4 I'll be good, yeah.

Speaker 5 We love you.

Speaker 5 We still love you. Do you do any pool material?

Speaker 5 There's got to be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools, right?

Speaker 21 Yeah, I mean, there isn't like, I've been, how I've been diving into like where I write my jokes has been like piece by piece, and I haven't kind of got there yet, honestly.

Speaker 2 Can I ask a question? Yes, just on behalf of everyone.

Speaker 12 Is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool?

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, no.

Speaker 12 That doesn't exist. That's no.
Because

Speaker 12 sometimes I pee in the pool, and that's not really an issue, but sometimes I pee into the pool.

Speaker 2 That's the problem. Get upset with that.
Right, of course. There's the splash.

Speaker 15 There's no chemical.

Speaker 12 So unless they can't shoot, dick in hand.

Speaker 2 Right, absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have a pool question.

Speaker 2 I heard

Speaker 2 when you smell chlorine, I always thought, wow, they just changed the water or whatever. I heard that's the actual smell of pee in the pool.
No.

Speaker 21 And when you smell it, that's the dead chlorine. I could answer that.

Speaker 2 The dead pee.

Speaker 21 Well, the dead chlorine that's made kills.

Speaker 2 Right, so that's right.

Speaker 21 Well, I get, I mean, if you're just peeing in the pool, that's all you got, then yeah.

Speaker 2 No. No.

Speaker 24 Smell of dead chlorine.

Speaker 2 That means it killed a pee. No, no, no.
That's not what that means. Well, this is.

Speaker 2 If you put chlorine in the pool, it smells like chlorine. Doesn't mean someone pissed.

Speaker 2 Chlorine smells like chlorine. That's what I thought of.
Piss smells like piss. I heard it.

Speaker 5 So many told me. I think you should write some pool shit.

Speaker 2 Science, everybody. We got fucking Anthony Fauci over here

Speaker 2 trying to fudge the numbers.

Speaker 2 Our studies show that if you smell chlorine, it's actually piss.

Speaker 2 By our own research, done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. All right.

Speaker 2 Justin,

Speaker 2 what is the craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool? Ooh, I found two baby deers. Wow.

Speaker 2 Thank God you said deers. Because I just thought you were going to end with two babies.
It was going to be the same thing. You just...

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 How big were the deers? Something around Christmas time? Was it perhaps?

Speaker 21 Well, no, it was just after like a gnarly rainstorm. So the pool got super high, and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime.

Speaker 2 They just walked in there. The pool got high? Right, yeah, it's got super...

Speaker 2 The pool went above the level of the water.

Speaker 21 Well, no, the water level kind of just went level and they couldn't tell.

Speaker 2 It went level. Right.

Speaker 12 You know, like a pool.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 2 Trying to reel all this. Red man's trying to prove to me that the smell of chlorine is actually pea.
He's asking AI and showing me, but the question he asks is, smell of chlorine is actually pea?

Speaker 2 When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like, well, yes.

Speaker 2 Read it.

Speaker 2 The sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine, but rather chloramines, a product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen-containing substances found in urine, sweat, and other bodily fluids.

Speaker 2 High levels of these, get your cigarette away from me.

Speaker 2 High levels of these chloramines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria.

Speaker 12 What does it say at the bottom there? No fat chips.

Speaker 2 Who wrote that? It is amazing. There's also a postmate's order that's halfway filled.
His shopping cart is filled.

Speaker 2 Justin Tamayo, congratulations. You're leaving here.
Also, with a medium joke book, congratulations. There he goes.
Justin Tamayo, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vasquez, everyone.
Jesse Vasquez.

Speaker 2 Hello, everybody. What's going on?

Speaker 26 All right. What kill Tony?

Speaker 22 Hi. All right.

Speaker 26 AR-15 bulletproof vest, pistol, and bullets. What do we call those?

Speaker 15 School supplies.

Speaker 26 All right. All right.
All right. Thank you.

Speaker 28 Thank you.

Speaker 26 All right. Speaking of shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently.
I never met the guy, but I hear he's a real pain in the neck.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry.

Speaker 12 I figure if I bomb hard enough, Trump will tweet about it. All right.

Speaker 13 All right, all right.

Speaker 26 I get told I look like I'm gonna kill somebody a lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries.

Speaker 26 Oh, I'm nervous as fuck, guys. Appreciate it.
All right, all right, all right.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 26 I already said that.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 26 How do you come on a senator? You fill a bust of nut on her.

Speaker 26 No? All right, all right.

Speaker 26 Are they gonna have in a not-tying seminar for suicide survivors? Second time's a charm?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 3 No, too dark. All right, guys.

Speaker 26 All right, last thing real quick.

Speaker 5 Most girls don't know.

Speaker 2 They're stopping you there, Jesse. I'm gonna jump in too.
Yeah, that's enough. Hi, Jesse.
Have you ever done stand-up before?

Speaker 26 Yes, I have. I'm nervous as fuck, Tony.

Speaker 13 Okay, why?

Speaker 2 Why are you extra nervous right now?

Speaker 21 I'm on Kill Tony.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 26 I've performed in front of maybe about 15 people is the most so far.

Speaker 2 Okay, how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy? You memorize none of your jokes. You're not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared.

Speaker 2 Like literally anybody could do what you just did. Yes, they can.
Especially making fun of Charlie Clark.

Speaker 2 Most famous guy in the world right now.

Speaker 13 You got his name 50% correct.

Speaker 8 Don't fuck it up. My bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you fucked it all up, buddy. Yes, sir.
You fucked it all up. So again,

Speaker 2 how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy?

Speaker 26 I've been in Austin for about two months. I'd say maybe twice a week so far.
Twice a week.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
Yes, sir. So how's it been going? Do you always

Speaker 2 write off the paper like that?

Speaker 26 No, I don't. I just wrote it down.
I fucking, I knew I was in a blank as soon as I got up here, man.

Speaker 12 What do you do?

Speaker 26 Take a guess. I bet you get it on the first shot.

Speaker 2 I bet I don't. Fucking dude.

Speaker 26 I do delivery drivers. I do a delivery.

Speaker 2 I do DoorDash. Okay.

Speaker 26 I do security at ACL next month.

Speaker 12 How old are you?

Speaker 26 36.

Speaker 2 And why is it that you're just delivering things? Have you not gotten good at anything?

Speaker 22 Prison?

Speaker 2 Okay, let's talk about it. Why'd you go to prison?

Speaker 5 Now I'll engage.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Final. Yeah, obviously I went to prison.
I'm pretty sure y'all can tell.

Speaker 2 This is what you're good at talking about. Look how different his body language is.
Okay, here we go. All right.
Starts moving. The nervousness is gone.
I feel like this is your thing.

Speaker 2 You're the prison guy. Tell us about it.
Take it.

Speaker 26 Yeah, well, first time I went to prison, a year and a half for weed.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 26 About 100 pounds of weed, and then

Speaker 26 the second, the second weed.

Speaker 2 100 pounds of weed.

Speaker 2 A hundred pounds of weed. That's a me's worth of weed.

Speaker 8 That's just one time.

Speaker 26 That's a 33 pounds, and another time with 40 pounds.

Speaker 2 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 12 33 and 40, and that's 100.

Speaker 26 No, no, no, no. Three separate times.
100, 30.

Speaker 2 You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates.

Speaker 26 And then the second time I got caught,

Speaker 26 well, it was a conspiracy. It was 57 illegals

Speaker 26 were transported keep going

Speaker 26 go ahead I rented the guy the U-Haul that took a bunch of illegals somewhere you ran into the guy rented you rented the guy the U-Haul I heard that U-Haul had that business

Speaker 12 yes don't they rent the U-Hauls

Speaker 26 I rented it for him

Speaker 2 you rented it for him through U-Haul okay and then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back and then it sounds very much like you were the guy yeah it really does i don't want to give you a hard time i got receipts so how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them to run this extremely illegal operation how much money did you

Speaker 12 fifteen hundred bucks fifteen hundred bucks and how long did you do in jail

Speaker 2 three and a half years whoa for shit hey fifteen hundred bucks was it

Speaker 2 that's like an iphone yeah

Speaker 2 three and a half years and those are the two times those are the only two times you've been to jail?

Speaker 25 To prison.

Speaker 26 Okay. I've been to jail lots of times.

Speaker 2 Okay, tell us about some of the times you've been to jail.

Speaker 26 Got caught with

Speaker 2 smaller amounts of marijuana.

Speaker 2 That's pretty much it.

Speaker 12 I mean, a lot of wheat, a tickets. At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America? No.
That must be an annoying thing. Be very upset.

Speaker 26 But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps.

Speaker 2 Was it all in Texas, all these things? Yes, sir.

Speaker 5 Okay. Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is? Me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 See how he knows the terminology? He knows only prison shit.

Speaker 5 When you look at your face, I could tell the guys were like, Jesse's gonna take the hit for sure.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 Like, this guy definitely gets busted.

Speaker 2 100%. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jesse,

Speaker 2 what was it like in prison? Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive.

Speaker 2 Would you make a little like quesadilla out of Doritos and like crumbled up crumb cakes or something?

Speaker 26 It's funny that you say that, Tony that happens a lot in there.

Speaker 26 I actually

Speaker 26 would just buy like I had my own store just buy shit and resell it with stamps. Stamps is money in prison guys dollar stamps.

Speaker 29 Oh, okay.

Speaker 26 Yeah, so you walk around with a fat stack of stamps.

Speaker 2 You shove a bunch of stamps up my ass for if I ever get sent to prison. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Stampos.com.

Speaker 5 I got to say something. I said this to the other guy too.
Your material should be about prison.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I mean everything's such a wealth of not like it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear. It'd be funny, yeah.
Yeah. I want to know, like, did you, were you, were you a bitch? Were you a golf?

Speaker 2 He was a bitch. Well, I know, in terms.

Speaker 26 I got kind of lucky that I'm not.

Speaker 2 He was a good-looking guy. Huh?

Speaker 2 Keep going. Keep going.
Keep answering your question. Go ahead.

Speaker 8 I feel like I just look scary.

Speaker 26 I get told, I'm serious about that.

Speaker 26 People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people, but why would you go say that to somebody?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, it's like I want to kill people.

Speaker 5 It kind of makes you want to kill somebody.

Speaker 26 Doesn't it? Exactly.

Speaker 17 Thank you.

Speaker 2 But you would never. People that have been to prison multiple times never do anything.

Speaker 26 Never, never.

Speaker 2 But yeah, you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees, without a doubt.

Speaker 2 The trunk opens for just a moment. You see those eyes, and then it's just darkness.
He's got a tattoo that says, please stop.

Speaker 26 I feel like you look at me. You don't know if I'm going to fuck you or I'm going to kill you.

Speaker 2 Either way, I'm coming. Yeah, okay.
Very good. See, there's a good one.
All right, there you go, Jesse.

Speaker 12 I feel like it's definitely both, and it's what order.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 12 Well, I personally, I hope he kills me first.

Speaker 12 The other part of that is he does whatever he's going to do.

Speaker 12 I think we're all in agreement. You should write a set about being in prison.
That's the interesting thing about it.

Speaker 4 No doubt about it. I will.
The edgy jokes.

Speaker 12 You got to be so fucking good at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy. Yes, sir.
You don't do it until you're ready to do it.

Speaker 12 The squeeze has to be, the juice has to be worth the squeeze, right?

Speaker 12 You got nothing there. Leave that stuff alone.

Speaker 15 Just talk about you, first person. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 No doubt about it. Let me ask you this.
Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison? No, no. With any close calls? No, no.
Okay, so did you just use your imagination and like masturbate?

Speaker 2 They're like, what did you do?

Speaker 26 Oh, they got plenty of, well, so there's guys in there. Okay.

Speaker 2 Just jerking off to a stamp George Washington. Just like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, yeah.

Speaker 2 More like Abraham Lincoln, am I right? Because this dude's hot.

Speaker 26 It's kind of neat because, so there's people that have been in there for a long time. I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born.

Speaker 22 And

Speaker 26 just saying that because...

Speaker 2 Rick fan. Come on.

Speaker 2 We did.

Speaker 12 Anyway, he goes to meet. He's dead.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 26 There's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore, but they used to. So there's a lot of like 80s and 90s like, you know, magazines and shit like that.

Speaker 26 So you get a little blast from the past, you know?

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Yeah.
Not the first time you've seen a hundred pounds of bush.

Speaker 3 Were you bummed?

Speaker 5 Were you bummed that you never got picked? That no one? I never got picked.

Speaker 26 I got picked on Kiltoni.

Speaker 17 I can't get picked.

Speaker 5 No, you bummed that no one in prison wanted you.

Speaker 12 Were you bummed?

Speaker 5 Well, did that kind of, it's like everybody wants to, you don't want to be picked last.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 26 I'll take what I can get.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Well, good news. What you're getting is the size of a stamp every day.

Speaker 2 It's a little joke buck. There you go, buddy.

Speaker 2 If you only caught books as well as you catch charges. yes

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Speaker 2 But have great interviews. Make some noise for your next one.
It's Paul Ramirez, everybody. Bugging pole number four.

Speaker 18 So I just got told I look like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction.

Speaker 18 Oh, yeah, dude. I suck the Pikachu from Dick, you know?

Speaker 13 All right, that sucked.

Speaker 18 Oh, yeah, I just graduated high school about a year ago today, and I found out in the news that my old high school teacher, he got arrested for trading A's in exchange for sex, which wasn't news to me because I was a straight A student back in high school.

Speaker 18 He taught me a valuable lesson, though. One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life you got to give head to get ahead.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 18 high school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know.
And my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings. My school came up with a program.

Speaker 18 We'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school, you know?

Speaker 18 Which benefited me because it made me Mr. Popular back in high school.

Speaker 18 I don't know why I was going to shoot the school. I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know?

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Paul Ramirez with his Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 2 How old are you, Paul?

Speaker 23 Scared.

Speaker 3 What? Scared.

Speaker 2 How old are you, Paul?

Speaker 18 Oh, my bad. 22.

Speaker 2 What did you think I said?

Speaker 2 How are you? Oh, I love it. Okay.
And you were in high school until you were 21?

Speaker 2 Why? How? How did this happen, Paul?

Speaker 18 I don't know. I'm gay.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Okay. What did that have to do with it?

Speaker 2 I don't know, man.

Speaker 8 Okay. I ran out of things to say.

Speaker 2 It's okay, Paul. Just think of the real answers.
You don't have to have a joke prepared for everything.

Speaker 6 I'm trying too hard.

Speaker 2 So don't do that. Just

Speaker 2 answer honestly, Paul. You're doing good, buddy.
Don't worry. You're panicking.
I am. It's okay.

Speaker 5 Paul, close your eyes, Paul.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 No, keep your eyes closed.

Speaker 2 Close your eyes, Paul. Close your eyes.
It's okay. Trust us.

Speaker 5 Remember who you are. Know who you are.

Speaker 2 You're Paul.

Speaker 5 You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes. They did pretty good, huh, Paul?

Speaker 2 Do you feel good? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Now open your eyes. Here we are, Paul.

Speaker 16 Welcome to Kill Tony. Yeah.

Speaker 16 Paul.

Speaker 2 Ramirez. Ramirez.

Speaker 2 Where are you from, Paul?

Speaker 18 El Paso.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 How long have you been in Austin?

Speaker 18 Two days. I love it.

Speaker 2 How long you staying for?

Speaker 18 I leave tomorrow.

Speaker 2 Okay. And

Speaker 2 what else are your plans in Austin or what have you done since being here?

Speaker 18 I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel room.

Speaker 2 Okay. Today?

Speaker 2 Is that today? Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. How many beers did you have?

Speaker 12 Like four.

Speaker 2 Oh my goodness. Four beers.
Yeah. Did you have any drinks at the bar next door?

Speaker 18 No, it's too expensive.

Speaker 18 Okay. It's like 20 bucks for two drinks.

Speaker 2 Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room? Oh, Circle K.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 How many beers did you buy?

Speaker 18 Four? I bought a 12-pack, but I split it between my friends.

Speaker 2 Okay. You're staying in a hotel with friends.
Yeah. How many guys are in this hotel room?

Speaker 18 Oh, dude, like three and one girl.

Speaker 2 Wow. Amazing.
Two beds?

Speaker 18 Yeah, I sleep on the floor.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Wow. Kind of odd to be a gay guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of dudes.

Speaker 18 Yeah, man. It's fucking sick.
I creep up on them at night.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. That poor girl.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 18 Nah, she just watches.

Speaker 2 All right. Paul, like I said, that poor girl.
Yeah. Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you do for work in El Paso?

Speaker 18 Landscaping. I'm a spic.

Speaker 2 Wow. All right.

Speaker 5 Paul, close your eyes again, dude.

Speaker 3 Good God.

Speaker 2 Take it easy, Paul. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Wild boy, Paul.
Bad boy, Paul.

Speaker 2 Hello, not a good stand-up.

Speaker 18 I hit four years yesterday.

Speaker 2 Wow, so you really did start when you were 18. Yeah.
Okay, then you're just still doing the high school joke because that's the one you're used to.

Speaker 18 Yeah, it's my best shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 8 Everything else is shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get.

Speaker 2 It is good. That joke is good.
You like it?

Speaker 5 I think it was a good little run of joke. Beyond being genuine, it was a great little...

Speaker 5 You had a good... It was really good.
It all tied together. It was very good.

Speaker 2 Thank you, man.

Speaker 18 I like your shit. Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 25 I think you're...

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 5 This guy's the fucking man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was going to say,

Speaker 2 I love that guy. I think you're fucking funny.
And your material is. You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, oh, I'm gay.

Speaker 18 I got scared. My bad.
It's okay.

Speaker 2 It's all right. You're comfortable now.
Take your hands out of your pockets. Relax a little bit.
Paul.

Speaker 2 What's your family like? You have a big family?

Speaker 18 My mom's fat.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Why do you think your mom's fat?

Speaker 5 We got a bucket pull for her.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Why do you think your mom's so fat? What is she?

Speaker 18 I saw her.

Speaker 2 Right, but

Speaker 2 what do you think she's doing to be fat?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you.

Speaker 2 Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way. I bet.
I was asking

Speaker 2 something she eats or something like that. Jimmy Carr, go ahead.

Speaker 12 Did your fat mom ever fuck the pool guy?

Speaker 18 No, we don't have a pool, just dirt.

Speaker 18 I live in El Paso.

Speaker 1 It's true.

Speaker 2 No pools in El Paso.

Speaker 18 No, there's pools in El Paso. We just don't got one.
We got grass, yeah?

Speaker 12 You seem terrific.

Speaker 2 I love you, man.

Speaker 12 Yeah. You seem just kind of terrific, but I think that thing about going, so you're a gay guy, very straight acting, right?

Speaker 18 I'm not straight. No, no, but you're straight.
That was sucked. My bad.

Speaker 12 So that thing of light going, when did you come out? Jesus.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 12 When did you come out?

Speaker 18 2003.

Speaker 4 Oh, oh, as gay.

Speaker 2 He answers questions in such an odd way.

Speaker 2 What did you eat for breakfast? Well, I've eaten everything for breakfast that I've ever tried for every breakfast.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it was literal.

Speaker 5 He said, when did you come out as gay? He said, 2003. When he was born into the world.

Speaker 12 that's the last vagina he was in.

Speaker 2 That's right. That's right.

Speaker 12 Never again, he said. Never again.

Speaker 2 Yuck.

Speaker 5 Are you really gay? Is this a bit?

Speaker 18 Nah, dude, I just say that when I'm nervous. Okay.

Speaker 12 Jesus, I hope this guy never goes to Bristol.

Speaker 2 I was just nervous.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Speaker 12 I think there's something of the Belushis about his eyes. There's something about your eyes that's very balushy.
And I mean that in a, you're kind of adorable.

Speaker 3 Thank you. Kind of adorable, right?

Speaker 12 He's very likable.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I like him.

Speaker 2 No doubt about it. 22.

Speaker 2 Still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago. It's incredible.
I'm gay. There you go.

Speaker 2 Catchphrase, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 5 It's never going to get old. Yeah.
I like that. Sweet.

Speaker 2 Put it on merch. You have merch that says I'm gay.

Speaker 18 No, I have merch about my mom's cock.

Speaker 2 Your mom has a cock? I hope so.

Speaker 2 Okey-dokey.

Speaker 2 Again, some people, bad minutes, good interviews. Some people, good minutes, bad interviews.
The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book. Yeah!

Speaker 2 There you go. Paul Ramirez.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Amazing.

Speaker 2 Let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, who seems to be the the first non-Latino of the night.

Speaker 2 Four in a row. These people.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Joe Biden, for

Speaker 2 letting these people in. All right.

Speaker 2 Make some noise for your first non-Latino bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 13 Chris Reese, everybody. Chris Rees.

Speaker 2 Well, he might be Latino, too.

Speaker 2 Chris Reese, everyone.

Speaker 27 I hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican.

Speaker 27 I just got born with that white skin, thank God.

Speaker 2 Staying in this country.

Speaker 27 I've been going through a rough patch sexually, sir.

Speaker 27 So your relationship pisses me off.

Speaker 2 I have.

Speaker 27 I've been going through a rough patch, sexually. So naturally, I have to get really good at masturbating.
Yeah? You good at masturbating?

Speaker 27 Asian man, are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate? Just two chopsticks on the shaft, up and down?

Speaker 2 No, I'm really good.

Speaker 27 I got a really good method for masturbating.

Speaker 27 I go on my phone and I text all my contacts. I'm going to kill myself, shove it up my ass, and ignore the calls while I jerk off.

Speaker 27 Yeah, fuck yeah. My mom's frantically calling, and I'm ignoring her.

Speaker 2 There you go. Okay, Chris Reese.

Speaker 2 Honestly,

Speaker 2 after seeing that, I'm really surprised people are trying to stop you from killing yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The crowd work on the Asian man and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass. Welcome back, Chris.
It's been a while.

Speaker 28 Yes, sir.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. How are you? How long have you been doing stand-up now? Eight years.
Eight years. And what do you do for work again?

Speaker 27 I've been recently, I've been, I built circuit boards.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 27 Yeah this guy's my manager.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 5 That guy's not even Asian. Yeah.

Speaker 23 You're not Asian?

Speaker 23 I'm happy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay then. I'm right.

Speaker 5 Not good enough. Yeah.

Speaker 27 Not good enough.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to Asian is all fuck all.

Speaker 2 You're not registering his 50%. He's used to fucking.

Speaker 2 I like full, dude. I build circuit boards.
Okay. What do you do for fun?

Speaker 27 What do I do for fun?

Speaker 27 Mainly, I just watch a lot of horror movies when I'm not doing stand-up.

Speaker 27 I do coloring books.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Horror movies and coloring books.
Amazing. Like spaghetti and meatballs.
They go together.

Speaker 3 So, favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie?

Speaker 27 Favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie? Yeah. Favorite horror movie, The Thang?

Speaker 12 The original?

Speaker 27 The 80s one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the original. No.

Speaker 27 Yeah. That was one from the 50s.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Whoa.
Excellent. Okay.
Don't come at me with that shit. Wow.
No, I love it. It's crazy.
I love it. A coloring book?

Speaker 2 It's a horror.

Speaker 27 It's called like dark arts, like really detailed stuff, like horror stuff. Okay.
The original one.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 12 I just, on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with, thank you for not shooting the place.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 With insulin, am I right?

Speaker 2 Chris, how is your health? When's the last time you've seen a doctor?

Speaker 27 Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12.

Speaker 2 Wow, amazing.

Speaker 27 So I'm assuming it's fine.

Speaker 2 This rough patch that you're in dating-wise,

Speaker 2 what exactly do you mean? How is it in real life? Is it true?

Speaker 27 Dating, like, serious relationships, yes, I don't do that. But when it comes to, like, fucking women that look like me, yeah, I'm crushing it.

Speaker 2 Has there been, yeah, has there been a guy?

Speaker 2 Has there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you?

Speaker 27 A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off?

Speaker 24 No, he's not there.

Speaker 5 Have you used that joke on stage? Fucking women look like me?

Speaker 27 Yeah, like once.

Speaker 5 Keep that in.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 5 That's a very good joke. Thank you.

Speaker 2 With that hair and that face and those tits, it'll work every time. Oh, yeah.
It's amazing.

Speaker 2 Chris, what's the most type of exercise type of thing that you do? The stairway up counts as an answer.

Speaker 27 The most exercise I do? Yeah, like

Speaker 27 I walk to 7-Eleven.

Speaker 2 What do you get from 7-Eleven after you put in the hard work of walking there?

Speaker 27 Taquitos.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 27 And I walk them off going back home.

Speaker 28 Taquitos?

Speaker 2 No, no, you don't.

Speaker 5 No. No, you do not.
You're right.

Speaker 2 I'm lying. I take the Uber back.

Speaker 5 Amazing. Can I cut your hair off?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 3 It's kind of my thing now.

Speaker 23 You want to give me a haircut during the show?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I cut some other guy's fucking hair off. Oh, really? You want to donate your shit to sick kids, or are you going to be a bad guy?

Speaker 27 Do I want to donate my hair to sick kids? Of course not.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 27 I'm going to know which ones to stay away from.

Speaker 2 He is a sick kid. He needs it.
He's going to end up getting the Puerto Ricans back on his hair.

Speaker 12 We should take it up again and circumcise him.

Speaker 2 Let's do it.

Speaker 2 You want your little tequitiveness?

Speaker 27 I didn't understand his accent.

Speaker 12 I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly.

Speaker 5 Chris. Here he goes.

Speaker 2 You have any special skills or talents or anything like that other than stand-up comedy? You good at anything? I'm a real fuck.

Speaker 27 I'm really good at coloring books.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 I think we all are, except for D-Madness.

Speaker 27 No.

Speaker 2 Do they have like braille coloring, but I guess it would be stupid, right? Because you're like, which one's fucking red?

Speaker 2 I'm right. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 27 My oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing like the twist in movies.

Speaker 2 Ah. Yeah.

Speaker 27 So just really useless shit.

Speaker 2 Right. What's a movie that really surprised you? What do you think the best twist in movie history is?

Speaker 27 Best twist in movie history?

Speaker 2 Yeah. You seem like a big fan of the oomba loompas being good guys or something.

Speaker 12 Oh, were they good guys?

Speaker 27 There's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist. None of you guys know it, but

Speaker 27 it's a really good twist. Watch it.

Speaker 12 Yeah, it's kind of like the original thing from the 50s.

Speaker 2 You're right. Yeah.
Cool.

Speaker 2 All right. What joke book did you get last time you were on Chris?

Speaker 2 The big one. Well, there you go.

Speaker 2 Did you fill it up yet?

Speaker 2 There you go. Keep working, Chris.

Speaker 13 Keep working.

Speaker 7 ABC Wednesdays, Shifting Gears is back. He has arisen.
Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy. What what?

Speaker 7 With a star-studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis, and Hey Buddy! A big home improvement reunion.

Speaker 2 Welcome. Oh, boy.

Speaker 27 That guy's a tool.

Speaker 7 Shifting Gears, new Wednesdays, 8-7 Central on ABC, and stream on Hulu.

Speaker 30 The family that vacations together stays together. At least, that was the plan.
Except now, the dastardly desk clerk is saying he can't confirm your connecting rooms. Wait, what?

Speaker 11 That's right, ma'am. You have rooms 201 and 709.

Speaker 5 No, we cannot be five floors away from our kids.

Speaker 6 The doors have double locks, they'll be fine.

Speaker 30 When you want connecting rooms confirmed before you arrive, it matters where you stay.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Hilton.

Speaker 30 I see your connecting rooms are already confirmed.

Speaker 2 Hilton.

Speaker 30 For this day.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those special moments that you're never gonna forget for as long as you live.

Speaker 2 Because you were at Kiltoni, and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 2 We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pulls all night and the neurotic Jew Jack Shaw. But everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of Europe, the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 2 This

Speaker 2 is our

Speaker 25 So, I just found out

Speaker 25 that in chess,

Speaker 25 you know chess

Speaker 28 in chess, they have a separate league for women.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 25 In basketball, it makes sense.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna jump over you.

Speaker 25 In boxing, I get it.

Speaker 2 I can just fucking

Speaker 25 but in chess too, huh?

Speaker 25 So you're telling me it's official,

Speaker 23 you guys are stupid, too, huh?

Speaker 25 Don't worry, honey cheeks. I looked into it.

Speaker 25 It has nothing to do with intelligence, just that the rules are a bit different.

Speaker 25 No difficult buttons, no bishops, no knights.

Speaker 25 As a matter of fact, women, close your ears for a second.

Speaker 4 Guys,

Speaker 25 they're just playing checkers.

Speaker 4 You know in the late 90s, Gary Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all time, lost to a computer.

Speaker 25 Big development in civilization history.

Speaker 25 With women, it happened in 1973.

Speaker 2 You guys lost to a microwave.

Speaker 4 That's my time. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Maddie. Showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pull and a golden ticket winner.
An absolute fucking

Speaker 2 that's so that's hilarious.

Speaker 25 The last one was kind of stupid. I don't know why I said that.

Speaker 2 That's so funny.

Speaker 25 I've stopped at the checkers part.

Speaker 12 I think you had something there. I would go to trends next.

Speaker 12 Oh, I would go to trans women in sports. I think you could be a chess champion.

Speaker 3 You're a wig away.

Speaker 25 Yes, you're a genius.

Speaker 2 A wig away.

Speaker 2 A wig away.

Speaker 24 A wig away.

Speaker 2 A wig.

Speaker 2 A wig away.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 He's got it. Zach Brown's already.

Speaker 2 I love it. So, Ari, that was an amazing, amazing fucking amazing minute, 12 seconds.
What else is going on in life? It's good to see you back. You've been gone for a while.

Speaker 2 We have missed you tremendously.

Speaker 25 Yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I did some gigs.
It was amazing. I did some, I did Philadelphia, Portland.
I did Vancouver with you. I did Irvine Improv.
Amazing. So much fun.

Speaker 25 People are actually coming out. It's great.

Speaker 12 Always one step ahead of ice.

Speaker 2 Always one step ahead of ice.

Speaker 25 Don't bring it up, Jimmy.

Speaker 2 What are your favorite cities that you've been to? What do you love about that?

Speaker 25 No, Portland was awesome, yeah. I love their homeless, you know.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 25 They have like the cool like, because here it's like they're on crack or some shit. You know, we got.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, ours are.

Speaker 25 In Portland, they got this guy. You know, this guy?

Speaker 2 Zombie.

Speaker 15 Just so peaceful, dude.

Speaker 2 They still got fentanyl.

Speaker 12 It's like an interactive walking dead experience.

Speaker 25 But they're so peaceful. I put like an ashtray on one of them.

Speaker 25 Yeah. They took the jobs of mimes.
That's why you don't see mimes anymore.

Speaker 25 These motherfuckers are still.

Speaker 2 I love it. I love it.
And how about Philly? What was Philly like for you?

Speaker 25 Philadelphia. Yeah, there are animals there.
It's great, yeah. Half of the room got thrown out during the show because they just keep fucking boozing and cruising.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 13 They are party people there.

Speaker 25 It was awesome, yeah. Yeah.
A woman tried to fight me after the show. It was great.

Speaker 2 Ooh, what was she mad about?

Speaker 5 The checkout.

Speaker 25 I didn't even get it. I hit her before I could find out.

Speaker 2 I'm an old school guy.

Speaker 2 Smack!

Speaker 2 You are the man, Ari, Maddie.

Speaker 2 You are the man.

Speaker 25 You know, in Estonia, if you hit your wife, the cops show up and they go, well,

Speaker 2 what did you do?

Speaker 2 And how was Los Angeles? You were in L.A. last week for a long week.

Speaker 25 Dude, I was on the road in California with Martin Phillips, too. Shit, we got hit by an earthquake, dude.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 I love the road stories of you and

Speaker 2 Phillips.

Speaker 25 Never been in an earthquake.

Speaker 4 I'm freaking the fuck out.

Speaker 25 I look over at Martin Phillips.

Speaker 2 He's standing perfectly still.

Speaker 8 He's synced up.

Speaker 23 Turns out the

Speaker 25 Martin isn't too shaky. The world is too still.

Speaker 2 The great Ari Matt.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
And he does the driving when you guys are on the road.

Speaker 23 Yeah, I don't have a driver's license.

Speaker 2 It's crazy.

Speaker 25 When we get pulled over, we have David Jolly sleeping in the back, me on the passenger seat, Martin's Philly. Martin is driving, dude.

Speaker 25 When the cops pull us over, they don't know what the fuck is going on.

Speaker 25 They just keep letting us going. But Martin is the best to drive with because he can park.
It's fucking clunk, clunk, anywhere.

Speaker 2 We don't give a fuck. I love when he's looking for a parking spot.

Speaker 25 spot. I'm like, Martin, look at you.

Speaker 2 Go in the mall.

Speaker 23 No one's going to say shit, Martin.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was going to.

Speaker 2 I was looking for a spot.

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 You know the impression's great because deep madness just started freaking out when you did that. That was fucking amazing.

Speaker 2 He's the master judge at vocal impressions.

Speaker 19 You fucking Zad, you got my ass.

Speaker 2 Sounds like that motherfucker. Beetley Doop, doop, doop.

Speaker 2 Wow, and you got to go to the old motherland, the old homeland of ours, the comedy store, the place in which we all are always.

Speaker 2 We could just roll right back in there if we wanted to at any point and just take it back over. But we like it here in Austin, just a reminder.

Speaker 2 And then here,

Speaker 2 you are thriving. What was the comedy store like for you? Going.

Speaker 25 Oh, yeah, it's so crazy, dude. It's such a historic place.
Yeah, and everyone's so nice there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did a lot of shows. Yeah.
You got passed immediately, right?

Speaker 25 I don't think I'm passed now, but I do get on stage there, and I'm grateful for that, too.

Speaker 2 They just let you do spots everywhere. Yeah.
They just haven't called it official yet.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah. I mean, to be on that wall, that's a dream, but I'll get to it when I get to it.

Speaker 13 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 No doubt about it. A lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall.

Speaker 25 And then fucking, whew, Cam Patterson on SNL.

Speaker 2 Hell, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 Holy fuck. What's happening? Although,

Speaker 28 so,

Speaker 25 you know, he's not allowed to say the N-word, right?

Speaker 25 Like, they're going to beep the N-word. He's going to sound like a truck packing up.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 No doubt about it.

Speaker 2 No doubt about it. Cam's going to be on fucking weekend update, and it's just going to fucking...

Speaker 2 It's just gonna

Speaker 2 74 seconds too late yeah not a second too soon by the way same soundboard for 12 and a half years he's just scanning oh god where is it again there's five pages of sound effects

Speaker 2 23

Speaker 2 number 23

Speaker 2 all right uh Ari, you're fucking unbelievable. You came in and shook the room.
Thank you, Sean.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Kiltoni fans.

Speaker 7 You guys are the best.

Speaker 2 Ari,

Speaker 2 Matty, ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin has done it yet again. And now back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 2 Somebody's gotta follow that. Make some noise for your next bucket, pull, ladies and gentlemen.
It is Aaron West. Make some noise for Aaron, everyone.

Speaker 2 The opportunity of a lifetime to Aaron West.

Speaker 2 Howdy, howdy.

Speaker 2 Hey, thanks.

Speaker 17 You know, maybe it's true what they say.

Speaker 32 Maybe Mimas do know best.

Speaker 32 Today my Mima said, you're going out in that jacket? It looks like a giant hairless ball sack.

Speaker 32 Speaking of ball sacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often?

Speaker 32 Now folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, take a tour of Italy. Wow.

Speaker 2 Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas?

Speaker 32 Now, folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say things like, when you're here,

Speaker 2 right here, your family.

Speaker 14 Hey Olive Garden, how the fuck are you going to have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls?

Speaker 2 Your Honor, yes, I might have dropped a cannoli in the urinal.

Speaker 32 Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour.

Speaker 32 You guys, you guys like Chewy's text mix?

Speaker 32 Well, guess what? They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm going to need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit.

Speaker 23 Mimigo, como se dise, incest waiter.

Speaker 2 Alright. Aaron West pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants jokes.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, Aaron. You've been on this show before, right? I have.
Welcome back.

Speaker 3 Over at the Vulcan.

Speaker 2 Yeah, welcome back, Aaron. Remind us all how long you've been doing stand-up.
Yeah, you can take the jacket off. You already did the ball sack, Jimmy.

Speaker 2 Make yourself a house. Hot out there.
Totally, totally worth it.

Speaker 16 I wore it all day waiting for that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, not worth it. Sitting outside.

Speaker 32 Keep going.

Speaker 32 No, I've been doing comedy.

Speaker 32 I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Quite the work ethic. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Take a lot of time off.

Speaker 2 Yeah. This is, yeah, okay.
Yeah. Jimmy.
I kind of, I thought,

Speaker 12 terrible material.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Fucking incredible performance.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Like your confidence, your thing, like, I don't know what you're good at, but there's something there, and it's very special. I could something very special.

Speaker 2 I couldn't agree more. I mean, it is unbelievable.
You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say. You're saying it in a kind of funny way.
But again, the writing, absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 2 Howdy, Mima, Olive Garden, tour of Italy, shitting in a urinal, and whatever the chewies thing was at the end with no transition or segue. You guys end up chewies.
Tex-Mex? Huh? Anyone?

Speaker 2 Out of nowhere. But, like, again, do you try to write? Because, like, Olive Garden, Tour of Italy, it's kind of right.
It's a thing.

Speaker 32 Yeah, I don't know. I guess I just write what I know and I value a whole lot of Olive Garden.

Speaker 5 That's the funniest shit you said about Olive Garden.

Speaker 2 That's fucking. That's very funny.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 12 I think you're a comedic actor. I think you've got a face, you've got a look.

Speaker 12 Just when you walked out, I felt like, okay, this guy knows what he's doing. I think you're very funny.
Thanks. But I think it's like someone else is writing.
I think you could bring it to life.

Speaker 12 I think you really got something. And maybe, maybe it's not stand-up, maybe it's sketch, maybe it's something else.
But there's something very special about you. I really enjoyed it.

Speaker 2 Thanks. Yeah.
You're great.

Speaker 2 And I did bring it up last time. I don't know if it, but yeah.

Speaker 32 No, and I'm four and a half years sober. So like doing comedy sober, this is my, this is my third time ever doing it sober.

Speaker 2 So it is like really shaky.

Speaker 2 I was back there like holding a water.

Speaker 12 But as opposed to the other, don't to be overly serious about, but you seem so confident walking out.

Speaker 12 You seem like just you kind of own the stage. You've got great presence.
But it's that thing of like, some people, maybe you need to work with some writers.

Speaker 12 Maybe you need to work with some other people. Cool.

Speaker 12 There's such a great community around Austin. There's such fucking funny people around here.

Speaker 12 Team up with someone, write with someone.

Speaker 2 That's a great idea. No doubt about it.
Definitely whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote tonight. Okay.
What made you have to get sober four years ago? What was your problem?

Speaker 13 Cocaine and alcohol.

Speaker 2 Okay. And is that a good man? He's done it.

Speaker 2 You and me. Both the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol.

Speaker 2 Tell us what bottom was like for you.

Speaker 28 Well,

Speaker 32 yeah, I showed up.

Speaker 2 Well, no.

Speaker 32 Okay. I called out of work and I wake up at 5 p.m.
And I call my work. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'd worked there for years. I'd never had any issue with attendance.

Speaker 32 And my boss goes, yeah, numb nuts. Uh, you already came in today, and uh,

Speaker 32 had you clocked in, we would have fucking fired you. But uh, you were on the line trying to cook something, and so we just told you to get lost.

Speaker 32 Um, yeah, I mean, I was a waiter, like, there's no fucking reason I should have been on the line in the first place.

Speaker 2 Like, back there, like, wow,

Speaker 2 wow, your worker does look good at the Olive Garden. No,

Speaker 4 I'm just a big fan.

Speaker 2 One day I'll work my way up if they'll have me. Oh, wait a second.

Speaker 2 See, you were so fucked up that you went into work. This is a night shift.

Speaker 32 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 32 I'm like solely a morning restaurant worker.

Speaker 2 So it was breakfast. Yeah.
Okay. Breakfast at the brewery I worked at.
And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis. And one day you went in so fucked up.

Speaker 2 So fucked up. You went and just started cooking random shit.
Did they tell you what you were cooking? Do you remember what you were cooking? Do you remember any of it?

Speaker 32 I don't remember any. I mean, I literally woke up at 5.30 and was like, oh my God, I was supposed to be there at 10.30.

Speaker 2 Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 12 The genius of getting home, going over to phone in sick, and then you'd already been to work.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 It's, how is that not your fucking stand-up?

Speaker 2 That's amazing. It's so true.
People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually know. The honesty shines through.
You can feel it.

Speaker 2 So what time of the day did you call in for that shift that they already basically told you to go home?

Speaker 32 Like 5.30.

Speaker 2 P.M. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Wow. Seven hours into my shift.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fucking cruising. Amazing.

Speaker 12 Did you call your drug dealer afterwards and go, that was excellent stuff?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Is there any feedback that you give them and go, look, honestly, that's some of the best.

Speaker 32 No, no.

Speaker 32 Well, I kept partying for a few years, and

Speaker 32 I didn't lose that job. I mean, I've actually never been fired from a job.

Speaker 32 I've walked out of a job. It was actually on 6th Street here.
It's kind of...

Speaker 2 Yeah, tell us about that.

Speaker 2 You don't have to name the place if you don't want to, but just go tell mine i don't really care for them um

Speaker 2 uh yeah it's uh okay i'll it rhymes with it doesn't move it doesn't matter what's right story it's a place that makes bread okay perfect just tell the story and um

Speaker 32 yeah so i i just didn't enjoy working there and midshift they kept every time it would like start raining i didn't have this jacket at the time when it would start raining

Speaker 32 um they would move me to the patio and when it was nice weather they would move me inside and they kept like doing this shit to me so i wasn't making any money and this is a a place where you did side work until it was like done, but we didn't close till 2 a.m.

Speaker 32 And as restaurants work, like, hey, more silverwork comes out, more silverwork comes out. And so you're like doing all the sidewalk, doing all the shit.

Speaker 32 And so midshift, the manager was like, hey, we're going to change your section. I said, yeah, I know.
I quit. And she was like, what is that? I go, my section's going to change because I quit.

Speaker 32 Like, I'm done. And yeah, that was it.
I just, I left midshift. And I've never done that anywhere.
Like, I didn't feel great about it, but I was like fresh out of rehab and

Speaker 32 didn't want to be fucked around with.

Speaker 12 Stand your ground. Good on you.

Speaker 2 I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story. So, I mean,

Speaker 2 I think I actually just hit bottom right now, listening to you talk about finishing your side work. I was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of.

Speaker 2 I thought it was going to be a big, cokey, alcohol-infused ending, but just, no, you just, we're done that day.

Speaker 3 Mima.

Speaker 12 I think what Tony's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Read the room. You have a girlfriend, Erin? I do.
Okay. What does she do?

Speaker 32 She works at a homeopathic doctor's office.

Speaker 2 Adorable.

Speaker 32 Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 2 You have any special moves in the bedroom?

Speaker 32 Well, I don't get drunk anymore, so my dick works.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 You a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy?

Speaker 32 Mid-afternoon.

Speaker 2 Whoa, okay. Post-lunch.
Hi, rockets in flight.

Speaker 2 Cup of coffee and then at lunch or whatever.

Speaker 32 Well, because I get up at 6:30. I I still do the breakfast restaurant thing.
So, like, I'm already ready to go.

Speaker 32 And then I have to wait all day at work talking to these knuckleheads, and then I can have sex.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 32 My section changed.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. What size chokebook did you get last time?

Speaker 32 I got a large.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, you go, go, go, fill it up.
Thanks.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron West. All right.
Thanks.

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Speaker 33 Visit purina.com/slash purple to learn more.

Speaker 34 This episode is brought to you by Nature's Bounty. Nature's Bounty believes your body is brilliant, naturally designed to thrive inside and out.

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Speaker 2 On to the next one, as the great Jay-Z once said.

Speaker 2 Make some noise for Mason Bird. Here we go.

Speaker 2 No rest for the wicked. It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen.
It's Mason Bird.

Speaker 28 I got in a live scooter the other day and I drove like two or three feet and the bike stopped. So I checked the app and it was like, hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please.

Speaker 28 Has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual?

Speaker 28 I know the exact moment I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman.
She was like, oh hell no.

Speaker 28 I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time. And when I was there, this Korea couple walked up to me.
They're like, hey, can you take a photo of us?

Speaker 25 And I was like, sure.

Speaker 28 And I thought they want to take a photo like them and the Mona Lisa. But they want to take a photo with me.

Speaker 28 They're like, this guy's so fat, white, and American. We have to show our friends back at home, dude.

Speaker 28 I look like World War III propaganda.

Speaker 28 There's photos of me in North Korea.

Speaker 4 This is democracy.

Speaker 4 This is freedom.

Speaker 28 This is McDonald's.

Speaker 2 Wow. An amazing set

Speaker 2 from Mason Bird. Holy shit, that was incredible.
Thank you, thank you. And you've been on this show before, right?

Speaker 28 Yes, sir.

Speaker 2 Amazing. This had to be your best set ever.
Thank you. You're working hard, right?

Speaker 28 Yes, sir.

Speaker 2 Working hard. Absolutely.
Remind us, how long you've been on stand-up?

Speaker 20 Three years. Three years.

Speaker 2 How do you make money?

Speaker 28 I work at Jersey Mike's.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. There it is.
Making it Mike's way.

Speaker 2 There it is.

Speaker 8 I'm Big Mike.

Speaker 2 I love it. I love it.
What else you've been doing in life? What's different?

Speaker 28 What's changed?

Speaker 3 I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna.

Speaker 2 Wow. What are you doing at the the gym? Lifting weights and making attractive women uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 What are you doing to make them uncomfortable? Just existing? Yeah.

Speaker 28 The vibe.

Speaker 2 And what kind of workouts are you doing? What are you doing with these weights exactly?

Speaker 28 I like to bench. I like to squat.
I like to deadlift. I like to

Speaker 2 get all the anger out.

Speaker 3 Amazing. Yes.

Speaker 12 I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're doing in the gym, you're doing it wrong.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 He's doing breadlifting.

Speaker 12 What's your favorite machine in the gym? Is it vending?

Speaker 28 The Gatorades. I like the blue Gatorades.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. My goodness.
So what type of protein package are you using before going to the gym or after?

Speaker 28 I'll eat like a half a roast rotisserie chicken.

Speaker 2 Don't eat like a...

Speaker 28 Eat the other half after. It's like a reward.

Speaker 2 Have you talked to a doctor about this?

Speaker 28 Me and doctors don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.

Speaker 2 Amazing, Mason.

Speaker 2 You're killing it. You're doing it, Mason.

Speaker 12 Have you done that line on stage? No. Write it down.
That's a fucking great line, Mason.

Speaker 2 Tell us more about the bird family. You're not built like a bird.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 28 Dad died, cirrhosa of the liver, drank himself to death, real sad.

Speaker 28 But, you know, a bit, he was kind of a dick, so

Speaker 2 mom,

Speaker 28 still alive.

Speaker 28 She was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she cleaned up.

Speaker 2 What kind of drugs was she addicted to?

Speaker 3 Pills, like, yeah.

Speaker 28 Worked at Ford Motor Company. I happened to saw all of them, you know?

Speaker 2 Do you think that this family with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you? Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all, possibly whatsoever?

Speaker 2 Is there anything you could think of that you might be addicted to, a way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something?

Speaker 28 calories uh yeah we're addicted to calories uh no it's yeah it's it's probably this or alcoholism so you drink too no i'm afraid to become like my father

Speaker 2 there you go yeah absolutely yeah you don't want to die young uh well

Speaker 2 we'll see i gotta beat 50 and the odds are close enough hell yeah have you thought about uh the new modern um weight loss drugs or anything have you thought about those yeah i think that's cheating

Speaker 28 Like, if you have to take Ozempic to lose weight, you're a bitch.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 28 that's because if you just do it, you'll do it.

Speaker 2 You hear that, you Ozempic people? If you had any balls, you'd eat a half a rotisserie chicken every day.

Speaker 2 You fucking pussies. You think it's easy, you cheaters.
Go get a rotisserie chicken. You fucking loser.
Back in my day, we didn't have Ozempic.

Speaker 12 You wanted to lose weight, you had to get AIDS.

Speaker 12 Have you considered going to a gay bum? Because something needs to change.

Speaker 28 They're all in prep now. It's kind of hard to get AIDS from them, you know.
I tried. It's just...

Speaker 2 Are you gay, Mason? Nope. Oh, okay.

Speaker 4 Shut up.

Speaker 2 Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head and shit. Someone

Speaker 2 was so upset that you weren't gay. Son of a bitch.

Speaker 4 I for sure thought he was gay, dude.

Speaker 2 A guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle. I'm all like, oh.

Speaker 2 Mason,

Speaker 2 so what's your love life like exactly? What's going on over there? What are you picking them up at Jersey Mike's?

Speaker 2 No way. All right.

Speaker 28 I used to do surprisingly well, but

Speaker 28 the love life in Austin has been pretty rough.

Speaker 28 I kill in the Midwest, though, for like...

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. In the Midwest, I'm hot.
Yeah.

Speaker 28 Here, I'm just some fat guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 In the Midwest, you're a medium.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had.
How does it go down for Mason Bird? Tell us how the bird flies.

Speaker 2 It's a flightless bird. It's a flightless bird.
It's a flightless bird.

Speaker 28 The last time I had sex,

Speaker 28 I was like a chef at a bar and I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason.

Speaker 28 And just after work, she just like, she had a boyfriend and she just threw herself at me. And I found out I wasn't a good dude that night.

Speaker 28 I will cheat. I will help your girlfriend cheat on you.

Speaker 28 I found that out about myself. But no, she was really fun.

Speaker 12 Did you go on top or is she still alive?

Speaker 4 She's dead.

Speaker 28 Yeah, our safe word is.

Speaker 2 Wow. Masonberg.

Speaker 2 Three years with stand-up. How much time do you think you've accumulated? About 20 minutes.
About 20 minutes. Yeah.
And how fast are you writing? I mean, are you doing

Speaker 2 yourself, your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff, I can tell.

Speaker 28 Yeah, I try to write like five minutes a week, and sometimes it's really ass, so I just get rid of it or try to make it better. But 20 minutes of good material.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Amazing, Mason.
Yeah. Absolutely incredible.
You do that at a desk. Where do you find yourself writing? What's your process?

Speaker 28 Desk.

Speaker 28 desk and i'm usually just like eating chips and thinking uh

Speaker 28 desk uh i have a recliner i like lean back and stare at the ceiling um sturdy recliner uh

Speaker 2 i guess yeah it's kind of this turn everything off and figure it out amazing mason yeah i love your style thank you you're incredible i would love to have you on the secret show mason bird is going to be on the secret show

Speaker 2 how many times have you been on this show three three times yeah and you're constantly getting better. It's absolutely incredible.
It's amazing, Mason.

Speaker 2 I really love your style, and I think I want to see more of you. So I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here.

Speaker 2 Everyone's getting famous and blowing up. You, my friend.

Speaker 2 You, my friend, have done it. That's it, right there.
A golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody.

Speaker 2 Bing bong.

Speaker 2 We'll see your next minute soon, Mason. Congratulations.
Wow. How fun.

Speaker 2 Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody. I mean, what can I say about this guy? Kill Tony Hall of Famer,

Speaker 2 who

Speaker 2 you know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get to see a ton of him. One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show here for a surprise poppin.

Speaker 2 Kill Tony legend, David Lucas. Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 23 I do a lot of white shit.

Speaker 29 I hunt, I fish, I swim.

Speaker 23 I change the batteries in my smoke detector.

Speaker 23 It's so weird to to me that black people never hear those fucking smoke detectors.

Speaker 23 It's like it's fucking soothing to them. You know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friend's house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping.
I'm like, nigga, you don't hear that shit?

Speaker 23 He's like, yeah, that mean is working. I'm like, what?

Speaker 2 I'm like, no, the fuck is not.

Speaker 23 No, but black people, we don't hear that shit. We don't change our fucking smoke detectors, bro.
You ever heard the saying, if you want to hide something from a nigga, put it in a book?

Speaker 23 I didn't make it, I just repeated it.

Speaker 23 I don't think that's true. I think if you want to hide something from a nigga, you should put in a smoke detector

Speaker 23 because we never check that shit. The fucking cure for diabetes is in the fucking smoke detector.

Speaker 2 All right, that's about time to take it off. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 Exactly one minute.

Speaker 2 Hilarious.

Speaker 23 Bro, that shit crazy as hell. Jimmy Carr looked like the ghost of Tony Hitchcliffe.

Speaker 2 nigga that's you two weeks decomposed bitch

Speaker 2 that motherfucker look like little hobo nigga

Speaker 2 I'm trying to see who got the remote to this nigga face I'm just

Speaker 2 this motherfucker look like elder Matt Rife

Speaker 23 all right go ahead Jimmy your goosebumps looking ass oh shit

Speaker 23 Sorry, they need tea and crumpets.

Speaker 12 I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me canceled.

Speaker 23 Jimmy said, I'm not one of those kind of black people.

Speaker 23 I'm the good guy. Well, you can still say, yeah, you can say it.

Speaker 12 Fuck it. I'll take it.
Fucking funny.

Speaker 23 Thank you, buddy. You look like you read Dr.
Seuss to Niggas in Prison.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 23 One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

Speaker 2 David Lucas.

Speaker 2 I got mine.

Speaker 23 I don't know what that nigga look like, bro. That nigga look like he hosts American Idol in Ireland.

Speaker 2 I think he did. I think he actually did.
Jimmy hosts like everything on the other side of the planet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he hosts like every show in England. You put on a TV in England, it's just what show is Jimmy Carr hosting?

Speaker 23 That nigga need a bag of blood.

Speaker 23 That motherfucker pale as hell, bro.

Speaker 23 You need some of that color from Tony, bitch. Yo, ass.

Speaker 2 Yo, ass.

Speaker 12 You're a remarkably confident man for a guy that shape.

Speaker 12 What are you working on, type three diabetes?

Speaker 2 There we go.

Speaker 23 There we go. I couldn't wait for your tight-mouthed ass to say something.

Speaker 2 Every time a nigga talk, I want to shoot a water gun to his mouth.

Speaker 23 What are you working on? Type three, diabetes.

Speaker 23 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Not the smoke detector.

Speaker 2 By the way, he did it three times before. You never heard it.

Speaker 2 It's red band.

Speaker 2 Hilarious. I'm a little black.
I'm becoming white a little bit, bro.

Speaker 23 Once you see me dressing like fucking Timu Pee Wee Herman, nigga.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 12 No, no, we got to shut this down now.

Speaker 12 You're criticizing what someone's wearing.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 The fuck are you talking about goodwill?

Speaker 23 Jimmy, I'm sorry. You dress like you about to go fight a parking ticket, nigga.

Speaker 2 Yo, ass.

Speaker 2 David Lucas. I heard I was parked illegally, but I want to see the queen.

Speaker 2 David Lucas is out of control right now.

Speaker 2 David wore his comfy pants for this.

Speaker 23 This nigga's so confused because they don't got niggas like that over there.

Speaker 12 I'm driven. I don't park.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to be don't insult me talk me through the hair talk me through what's going on there it's a it's a lot so in in black america these are called dreadlocks

Speaker 23 those are thick you got on that queen diana wig

Speaker 2 queen diana

Speaker 2 master of english history was that bitch name

Speaker 2 remember now what her name was trying to remember what that bitch name was the one who died in the car crash

Speaker 23 Oh, Princess Diana. That's her name.
Princess Diana. I said queen.
You probably got confused because all them bitches look like because y'all inbred.

Speaker 2 It looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread, David.

Speaker 2 Going ham tonight, finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotisserie chicken.

Speaker 23 That's crazy. I had to follow the white version of me, nigga.

Speaker 2 That shit crazy.

Speaker 23 Me and this nigga can swap clothes and be the same person.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We do.
We went from bird to pig real quick.

Speaker 2 Amazing.

Speaker 23 You look like Steve Urkel in White Face.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 What is going on? Were you molested by a British man before this? What happened to you? No, Jimmy Carr's my homie, bro.

Speaker 23 Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 2 Not yet.

Speaker 23 Hey, they gave me that Netflix deal, nigga. I bend over like Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 2 Oh, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 You ain't bending over for shit.

Speaker 2 This is a guy that ties his shoes, fucking sitting up with his leg propped up over his other leg.

Speaker 23 The Illuminati didn't have to convince you to fuck you.

Speaker 25 You was like, yes.

Speaker 2 I don't even know what you just said.

Speaker 29 It's okay. It's okay.

Speaker 3 David, you are on fire right now.

Speaker 2 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 How's life going? You good?

Speaker 23 Man, you know, life has been amazing, bro. I was on the road with you this weekend, bro.
We murdered sold out shows.

Speaker 6 Yep.

Speaker 23 And fucking Raleigh and Fort Lauderdale, bro. Tony about to shoot his new hour.
That shit is fantastic. I can't wait for y'all to see it.

Speaker 14 Yep.

Speaker 23 It's been really amazing, dog, and I love it so much.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 23 And also, Andrew Santino had an amazing special on Hula, bro.

Speaker 2 That's right. It's right now.
White noise. I love you.

Speaker 12 I'll just go fuck myself, shall I?

Speaker 12 I guess I'll just go fuck myself.

Speaker 23 This nigga got he got a new 10 can of cookies coming out.

Speaker 2 Sometimes you just gotta let him cook.

Speaker 2 Let him cook. Let him eat.
David Lucas.

Speaker 23 Hell yeah. Catch me on tour, man.
You know what I'm saying? David Lucas coming to that conference.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Jesus fucking Christ, David Lucas.
The regulars tonight showing

Speaker 2 how different it is.

Speaker 2 Having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week.

Speaker 2 You just have it. They have a different confidence.

Speaker 2 All found out of the bucket this next person could be one I mean anything can happen we've already given away a golden ticket make some noise for Donna Lee everybody Donna Lee

Speaker 31 hey everybody how we doing good

Speaker 31 my name is Donna Lee I have a very critical Asian mom my mom is Thai my dad is Irish so I'm Thairish

Speaker 31 I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce, and so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She was very upset I was going to be be single forever.

Speaker 31 So one day I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston and my mom called and she said, Donna,

Speaker 31 Donna, how come you're alone? You're so badly alone. I worry for you.

Speaker 31 And I said, why am I alone? Let's unpack that together.

Speaker 31 I said, I'm alone because you and dad proved the inability to show me love and affection as a child, and you never uttered the words, I love you. And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance.

Speaker 31 I can't create lasting connections. And I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly and will always be looking for something that I cannot find, mom.

Speaker 31 That's why I'm alone

Speaker 31 damn

Speaker 31 I just asked why you go to Houston alone

Speaker 31 thank you that's my minute thank you

Speaker 31 boom exactly a minute from Donna Lee you've been on this show once before correct I was a few months ago and I have a lot to talk about remind us how long you've been on stand-up I started doing stand-up in 2006 and I had my big comeback I took five years of stand-up and perfected my hosting abilities.

Speaker 31 I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job. I just came back to comedy May 2024 and I'm so happy to be here right now.
This is my dream.

Speaker 2 This is my dream. Wow.

Speaker 2 Rock solid answer. Thank you.
Donna, how,

Speaker 2 so you have one kid that's 13?

Speaker 31 23.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 31 12 years off.

Speaker 31 Yeah, I took 12 years off because I felt guilty and I wanted to raise my son and my stepsons. And I got a new husband and all this stuff.
But I put them first, but now it's my turn to be first.

Speaker 31 So here I am. This is my dream.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 31 This is my comeback story. So, and I was on Secret Show last time and I had so much fun.
So thank you.

Speaker 24 She brought cupcakes for everybody.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 That's how you get booked again by Redband.

Speaker 2 On the spot. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Cupcakes. I'm a mom.
You want to be a regular here at the Secret Show?

Speaker 2 Curry name on the fridge.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 31 It was so pretty.

Speaker 31 When I was here last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer that you implied.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 31 Absolutely. And I went down the rabbit hole the next day and I wish I hadn't.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 31 now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer thanks to Tony Henchcliffe. That's right.
And a lot of 25-year-old boys reached out to me after that episode. I bet.

Speaker 2 I bet they did. They did.
Absolutely. So

Speaker 2 now you're with the guy, though.

Speaker 2 Yes, I'm married. Yes.
Right. Yes.
He's awesome. Is he a big supporter of your comedy?

Speaker 31 Yes, he is. He's very supportive.

Speaker 31 What does he do? He's a custom home builder here in Austin.

Speaker 2 Okay. He's doing good for himself.
Yeah. You guys live in West Lake or something like that? Bay Cave, close.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 31 Yep. He builds in West Lake, so that was good.

Speaker 2 You're living that life. You have a Mercedes SUV?

Speaker 31 A sedan.

Speaker 2 I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive. It's an unbelievable talent that I have.
What type of Asian is your mom?

Speaker 15 She's Thai.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yep.

Speaker 12 Jimmy Carr. And your father's Irish?

Speaker 31 Irish. Tall, Irish.

Speaker 12 Tall, Irish, and she's Thai.

Speaker 31 She's tiny Thai. Oh.

Speaker 2 From Thailand, yes.

Speaker 12 Right. And how did your father get into sex tourism?

Speaker 31 The Air Force.

Speaker 2 The Air Force? Yes.

Speaker 25 Traditional. Yes.

Speaker 31 I'm a product of this country, correct? No, I was born in Thailand and we got here as fast as we could.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Amazing.

Speaker 2 I'll Irish Air Force.

Speaker 12 Is that even a thing?

Speaker 31 No, it's the American Air Force.

Speaker 31 He was a citizen here.

Speaker 31 I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube.

Speaker 31 Thanks to.

Speaker 5 Is that okay? Can you do it in your mom's accent?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I can. Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Great idea.

Speaker 5 Well, because that stuff takes me home.

Speaker 5 It's kind of my thing. Yeah.

Speaker 31 So I did a lot of posts on my page at DonnellyComedy.com. And I was on Kill Tony episode 722.
And I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments and the videos. As your Asian mom.

Speaker 31 As my Asian mom, the first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said,

Speaker 31 Oh, Caitlin Jenna, she looks feminine now.

Speaker 31 And another one about Caitlin Jenner said, Oh, Caitlin Jenna, I don't know she do stand-up comedy. So

Speaker 31 I think it's more funny in American, in English.

Speaker 31 Hell yeah. I was also called the Timu Lisa Ann.
Didn't know who that was. Had to go down that rabbit hole.

Speaker 31 She's a retired porn star for those of you who don't know.

Speaker 12 That's where I know you from. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 That's right. So do you make money in any way ever?

Speaker 2 Oh my god. Red ban.

Speaker 2 Red band. Why would you do that? That is disrespectful.

Speaker 2 That is not nice. Don't do that.
No, don't, don't.

Speaker 2 No, don't do that.

Speaker 2 Stop that, red ban. Stop it.
No, don't. No, I'm serious.

Speaker 2 No, don't, don't do that.

Speaker 12 And people say Tony can't act.

Speaker 2 Don't do it.

Speaker 2 Wait, who the fuck says that? I'm a great actor.

Speaker 2 Stop, no, don't. Don't do it.
That's.

Speaker 2 No, that's a whole different race.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 Okay, stop. Serious.
All right, very good. That doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 Do you sucky, sucky? No.

Speaker 2 How do you keep keep this man happy this guy could uh be with anybody he has money right how do you keep your man happy we laugh a lot oh

Speaker 2 has he met your mom

Speaker 31 I tried getting stuck in the washer but I okay ready

Speaker 2 fucking good safe work safe work

Speaker 2 has he met your mom oh yeah of course okay and what does your mom do she she lives in America too she actually passed away a couple of years ago but in my act she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well so oh no was also

Speaker 5 Now I feel repair.

Speaker 2 It was a Yoko oh no. Oh no.

Speaker 2 Me not love you long time.

Speaker 2 It's over.

Speaker 2 What the doctor told me sake sake.

Speaker 2 All right. How did she pass away?

Speaker 31 Cancer.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Well, if at first she don't succeed, tie, tie again.

Speaker 2 It's amazing.

Speaker 31 There it is.

Speaker 31 There it is.

Speaker 12 Unbelievable. We're here for a good time, not for a long time.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. What kind of cancer was it?

Speaker 2 This is Kiltoni.

Speaker 2 This ain't fucking Jimmy Kimmel over here.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Okay, all right.

Speaker 13 What kind of cancer was it?

Speaker 2 It was liver cancer. Liver cancer? Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Was she a drinker? No.

Speaker 2 Did she sake sake?

Speaker 31 She did not.

Speaker 31 You're getting your Asians confused. That's Japanese.

Speaker 2 That sake sake joke did not get the love that it deserved after two Saki Saki references. Sake Saki for liver cancer.

Speaker 2 We love a good liver cancer joke.

Speaker 31 I did want the opportunity to thank you, though. My life changed after I was on the first time.

Speaker 2 Yes, well, it's going to change again. Thank you.
It's going to change again.

Speaker 2 You're a funny lady, Donna Lee.

Speaker 2 It's cool to see someone that chasing their dreams. It's a

Speaker 2 they say this is a young person's game, but I love all different shapes and sizes of people.

Speaker 2 And for you to come back and do what you love because you love to do it, you love the feeling that you get from it. It's fucking awesome.
You deserve it. Congratulations.

Speaker 2 You got a big joke book last time? I did. Yes.
Congratulations. You know what? I have an eight-minute spot on the secret show if you want to.
Welcome.

Speaker 2 Somebody wants more

Speaker 2 cupcakes.

Speaker 2 Red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cupcakes.
Everybody, red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cupcakes.

Speaker 2 Make some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back here.

Speaker 2 One of the best fucking musicians in the world. Go to the sphere.
I know I am.

Speaker 2 You might run into us there. December or January.
We're going to be there. All right.
Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name. This looks like a new name.
I like it.

Speaker 2 Make some noise for Ronnie Roarback.

Speaker 2 Ronnie Roarback. Oh, shit.
Here we go. Make some noise.
Your final bucket pull tonight, Ronnie Roarback.

Speaker 20 Guys, I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship.

Speaker 20 I've lived here for 26 years.

Speaker 16 I was adopted by white people. I have a disability.

Speaker 20 My dad got me off a fucking tax write-off.

Speaker 20 No, honestly, like, he was an asshole because growing up, he never taught me Spanish.

Speaker 20 So that any so any time I would act out, he would be like, Here, he'd always threaten to send me back to the homeland. And, like, he goes, Here they call you Ronnie.

Speaker 20 Back at home, they would call you Jaguar Bait.

Speaker 20 and he would always use past tense so I knew he was serious and the worst part about it is growing up like I never thought my dad was an asshole like I never thought my dad was an alcoholic but I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at the age of four he would make me make his cocktails for him and he would put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise

Speaker 20 Thank you guys.

Speaker 2 All right, Ronnie Rohrbach. Welcome to the show, Ronnie.
Thank you. You, my friend, I call, I've called a lot of people adorable.

Speaker 2 I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you. Thank you.
What a cutie pie you are. What's wrong with your hand, Lil, buddy?

Speaker 20 I have cerebral palsy in my left arm.

Speaker 2 You are, you have, let me tell you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen. You should see what our cerebral palsy people fucking like.

Speaker 2 You're like, haha, I just gotta get a little here. Hey, everybody.
I know.

Speaker 2 Cutie, what a cutie pie. That's mint condition.
This Cerebral palsy's fucking sweet.

Speaker 12 I mean

Speaker 2 this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place.

Speaker 2 This kid's fucking unbelievable. Look at his fucking little fucking...

Speaker 12 If you study the hand,

Speaker 12 he's giving involuntary finger.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 12 About once a minute, there's an involuntary...

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Look at that fucking middle finger.
That's a true fuck you in cursive.

Speaker 2 This guy says fuck you in cursive. It's a squiggly fucking little middle finger.
I can't imagine what that would feel like in my asshole.

Speaker 2 Night is young.

Speaker 20 Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you off of my bad hand, you know I mean it.

Speaker 2 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck you.

Speaker 2 Soldier boy in this motherfucker. Ronnie, how old are you?

Speaker 4 I'm 27.

Speaker 2 You are something else. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 20 About five years now.

Speaker 2 Five years now. Amazing.
All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 20 No, I just moved down here about six months ago. I started in Detroit.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's where you're originally from, born and raised?

Speaker 20 No, I was born in Guatemala, and then my parents adopted me and took me to Detroit.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, you're adopted?

Speaker 2 Yep. Holy shit.

Speaker 2 Look at you. You were adopted by a little white family? Yep.
Oh, my goodness, that's how you ended up like this.

Speaker 20 Yep. Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything.

Speaker 2 You're what?

Speaker 20 Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. No, Guatemalans love NASCAR shirts.
It's incredible.

Speaker 2 Amazing. So you're a NASCAR fan? Oh, yeah.
What else are you into, Ronnie? Tell us more about you.

Speaker 20 For me,

Speaker 20 I'm really into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 What else?

Speaker 20 I grew up playing football, which was like a big expectation for my own doing.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh. A lot of fumbles.

Speaker 20 They never let me touch the ball.

Speaker 2 Oh, perfect. You're a kicker.

Speaker 20 The only time I would get out is like when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.

Speaker 12 You're not considered being a mascot.

Speaker 20 Too short.

Speaker 12 Too short to be a mascot?

Speaker 20 Yeah, you got to be like 5'40 to be a mascot.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 12 You got to be 5'4.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I lifted up, dude.

Speaker 2 Clearly, he wanted this. Yeah, somehow this is sadder than the other lady's mom's cancer diagnosis is finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream as a mascot.

Speaker 2 oh my god ronnie what else i want to interview you forever

Speaker 20 uh another thing about me is that um

Speaker 2 it's the cutest guy of all time there's more things tell us yes tell us everything ronnie I came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition. Oh

Speaker 2 my god. Oh

Speaker 2 my god.

Speaker 2 Some of you might not not know what goes on in Detroit exactly. Well, prettiest butthole competitions are a thing.

Speaker 5 Would you like to reprise?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, no, no, no, no. Let's not.
Let's not. Let's not.

Speaker 20 The problem is, like, for me, like, I would need someone else to hold my other cheek because you can only get half the vision.

Speaker 2 Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 And no, we can't pull out his butthole. It's a, it's a...
I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration that...

Speaker 12 Jimmy, pass me the knife.

Speaker 2 We're going to cut it out and then display it on a

Speaker 3 rhyme.

Speaker 17 I would do it, dude.

Speaker 5 You know I was going to fucking do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, I believe you.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I like you.

Speaker 2 Where was this? Yeah.

Speaker 12 Where was this competition held?

Speaker 20 It was in Lansing, Michigan.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Well, what did number one and two look like? How did they beat you?

Speaker 20 So, number two, like, I don't know if anyone ever seen, like, but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 20 And, like, he farted at one point and, like, it shot out.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 20 It was amazing, all right?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Here's me thinking Kill Sony is a great show.

Speaker 2 That's a great part. That is a great show.
I'm going to get the number two guy on. Give him a minute next week.

Speaker 12 Sorry, that was the number two guy.

Speaker 2 Who won?

Speaker 20 So this lady, she was from Oklahoma. And like she had a flower tattooed on her ass.
Like

Speaker 20 the center of the flower was the spincter.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 what was your spin? How did you get third?

Speaker 20 Well, because so they they had an interview section and I told everyone it was my make-a-wish.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow. Very good.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 25 Very good.

Speaker 2 Oh

Speaker 2 my God.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable.

Speaker 20 I literally went from eighth to third in five words.

Speaker 2 Wow. So the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting.

Speaker 20 Oh, natural.

Speaker 8 I felt very accomplished.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. Andrew's going to cut the hair off of it with Zach Brown's knife.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Amazing, Ronnie.

Speaker 4 So you're 27.

Speaker 2 What do you do for work? How do you make money, Ronnie?

Speaker 20 I'd do DoorDash right now.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. I mean, actually, totally believable.

Speaker 20 I mean, like, I kind of got fired for my last job. I was a pool boy.
Or as I like to say, I was going around,

Speaker 20 like, I was going around

Speaker 20 fucking up every middle-aged woman's fucking what dream to see my gumpy ass walk in.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 12 I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special, but my gumpy ass

Speaker 12 might well be the title.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 20 I'll definitely put that in the notes.

Speaker 28 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 So it's amazing because you're like an anomaly. You're like so many of the people.
We had a pool guy on earlier. We had a DoorDash guy on earlier.

Speaker 12 This is. We had an arsehole.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Ronnie.
So do you ever have a crazy door dash? Do you have any moments that...

Speaker 20 Yeah, the other day they had me door dashing tires.

Speaker 20 Whoa. I felt that was like racially profiled.
I'm like, I don't know how I look, but like you're going to have my cripple ass lift four heavy tires?

Speaker 3 Amazing. How did you do it?

Speaker 20 I fucking had a white person help me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 5 And don't you forget it, Ronnie.

Speaker 12 Did you tell them it was your make-a-wish?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 16 Ronnie, you are incredible.

Speaker 5 Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person.

Speaker 5 Guatemalan, sorry, Guatemalan.

Speaker 2 I apologize. You live here now?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I lived out here.

Speaker 2 How long have you lived in Austin?

Speaker 20 For about six months now. What do you love about Austin?

Speaker 2 Tell us what you're doing for fun out there.

Speaker 20 I honestly, I love just like seeing people who look like me so I can know which haircuts I can and cannot go go with.

Speaker 12 Can I be the first to say no one else looks like you?

Speaker 12 You're a non-fungible human.

Speaker 2 Is that haircut? What the fuck? Hang on.

Speaker 2 There's another one in a hat.

Speaker 2 It's a bunch of them over there. They're everywhere.

Speaker 2 What is that haircut?

Speaker 24 Is that like Steve Corell from the office?

Speaker 2 What are you rocking right now?

Speaker 20 I don't know. I had a white barber, and I've like, for like the longest time, I just walked in.
I'm like, just do it. Just don't fuck me up.
And this is what I've been going with.

Speaker 12 It looks great. White people.

Speaker 2 It looks great, Ronnie. What's your love life like, Ronnie? You've been with the girl?

Speaker 20 It's really non-existent right now. I've just been focusing on comedy lately.
I love that.

Speaker 2 Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas?

Speaker 20 I actually fucked a stripper.

Speaker 28 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Jesus, Ronnie.

Speaker 2 Ronnie. Oh, my goodness.
You've activated the lights, Ronnie.

Speaker 2 Tell us about this stripper Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 12 That sounds like a hell of a Tuesday morning.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 20 no doubt about it. So like what actually happened was that I was like, I applied for disability and got denied and like I got my tax write-off.
So I was like, I'm going to the strip club.

Speaker 2 Okay, let me real quick. How much was this tax write-off for exactly?

Speaker 20 I think it was like $1,500.

Speaker 2 $1,500. Let's blow it right away.

Speaker 2 Straight to the fucking strip club. Let's go.
What did you wear to the strip club? Was it that?

Speaker 20 I was wearing a Batman shirt.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, brother. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 20 It had the abs and everything on.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 12 My friend, Dave.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 12 There isn't a dry seat in the house.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Exactly. You and a Batman t-shirt, please.

Speaker 2 Exactly. The manager came into the champagne room and he's like, where is she?

Speaker 2 So you're wearing a Batman shirt. You show up to the strip club just fucking that music playing in your head.
What's that fucking song with the horns?

Speaker 12 What are you, five foot two? You're lucky you didn't drown in pussy.

Speaker 2 No, no, not that one. No,

Speaker 2 the one that's uh the pick the

Speaker 2 more picky. What the fuck was that?

Speaker 2 Pick up, pick up the pieces. What is that?

Speaker 2 What is that? Pick up the pieces?

Speaker 2 You know what the fuck I'm talking about. Ah, forget it.
All right. You have cool music playing in your your head that YouTube won't let us reproduce right now.

Speaker 2 And then what goes on? First stripper you see.

Speaker 20 Well, yeah, not the first stripper I saw because like the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a language barrier there.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Yep. It was incredible.
Don't judge by the color of their skin, but by the language they speak. Exactly.
That's what D-Madness lives by as well. Go ahead.

Speaker 20 Because Because the thing is, I can't speak Spanish, so I can't bargain.

Speaker 2 You're damn right. And the bargaining necessary.

Speaker 20 So it was a white woman, and she's like, let's go to the champagne room and everything. And I was like, oh,

Speaker 20 get back there. I'm like, oh, no.
I got to negotiate. Condom or not.
And she just literally grabbed him and put it right in.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. And that's how he got cerebral palsy, everybody.
Before that, his left arm was totally fine. He was the quarterback of the football team, a left-handed quarterback before that.

Speaker 5 I like how you were going to negotiate condom or not condom. You didn't want to.
You were just.

Speaker 12 The price. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So you wanted no condom.

Speaker 20 I didn't want it, but like, I was just like, I was not going to just not negotiate, try to get a couple bucks off.

Speaker 2 So what did you get it down to? Let's talk about the negotiation process.

Speaker 20 It was like, I think, $3.50.

Speaker 2 That's pretty hard.

Speaker 8 Raw dog, the stripper in Detroit for $350.

Speaker 20 Oh, this was in Austin.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Oh, my goodness. Bless America.
Don't ask. Okay.
Don't ask. Should I ask which strip club? We all know which strip.
Which strip club was it?

Speaker 4 It was Rick's cabinet.

Speaker 20 Wait, it was what? Rick's cabinet. So north of 35.

Speaker 2 Hold on. There's a patch of the room losing their minds.
I think they're having an employee outing right now.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 350 is the Ewok price.

Speaker 2 What was that?

Speaker 12 350 is the Ewok price.

Speaker 2 You are a little fucking Ewok. Look at you.
That's what it is. I've been wondering what you remind me of.
You're the fucking, we have the Estonian assassin and the Guatemalan Ewok tonight.

Speaker 2 This is absolutely incredible. Zach Brown with the fucking call on the field.
I was wondering what the fuck you were. That's what it is.
Look at you.

Speaker 12 We shaved an Ewok and got laid. Fucking Austin.
What a town.

Speaker 2 It's unbelievable. So 350.
And so you're negotiating, right? You're sitting there and you go, you know,

Speaker 2 I'd really like to have sex with you. Like that, right? Is that what you said?

Speaker 20 Well, she was the one who initiated it, which made me kind of thrown off a little bit.

Speaker 2 What did she say exactly? She goes, I want to fuck you.

Speaker 2 I need to fuck you. I will dominate you, Batman.

Speaker 2 Name your price for the bidding shall be mine.

Speaker 2 And the chlamydia shall be yours.

Speaker 2 Your abs have confused me, Batman.

Speaker 2 350 is a deal.

Speaker 2 What did she say?

Speaker 20 No, she was just like, she was just, I think, like, she was just down from it from the beginning. Because, like, whenever I'm like at the stroke club, like, I like having a real conversation.

Speaker 20 I'm like, so what'd you do on Tuesday?

Speaker 2 God, you're the cutest human being of all time.

Speaker 5 So, was this the first and last time at that?

Speaker 3 Or this is right now?

Speaker 20 Yeah, that was the first time I've ever been there. I haven't been back.

Speaker 2 I should go back, but fuck.

Speaker 20 But now, after this, I don't think they want me back.

Speaker 2 No, I think they do. I think you just fucking blew up their business big time.

Speaker 2 Everybody just found out they can fuck for $350.

Speaker 2 With a $1,500 tax return, my friend, I do believe that's about four or five fuckings.

Speaker 12 Why are we still here?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yes.
Let's all go. We know where the after party is and we're taking the sweetie walk with us

Speaker 2 So again, what exactly does this stripper say?

Speaker 20 Well, so I was just like there and she goes you want to go to the champagne room. I'm like all right, but like what are we gonna do?

Speaker 20 Which kind of shows how like I'm innocent in a way. I was like, what are we gonna do? And she goes, I'll make sure you're worth your time.
I'm like, all right, let's fucking do this.

Speaker 20 I'm always down for the game.

Speaker 2 Okay, so then what happened?

Speaker 5 This This guy goes, I'm innocent.

Speaker 2 He was like, let's go raw dog.

Speaker 5 It's like nothing innocent about you at all.

Speaker 2 The moment your cop comes out, you're like, I'm putting this inside of you right now. It really is.

Speaker 4 I'm so, who, me? I'm so innocent.

Speaker 2 It really, really is.

Speaker 5 I love you, man.

Speaker 2 You are something else. So again,

Speaker 2 I make sure it's worth your time. But then again, how do you get to fucking raw dogging? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with, you know, fucking underwear on for two songs.

Speaker 2 How do you get to fucking?

Speaker 20 Well, so she goes, we literally walk into the champagne room and she goes, go sit in that corner and take it out. I'm like, okay.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What? I'm sorry, Yellow Rose and Red Rose have been sponsoring us for a long time. But let me tell you, that place fucking sucks compared to this one.

Speaker 2 Go sit in the corner and pull it out.

Speaker 2 This is the world's greatest trip of all. It's amazing.
What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Risk, what's it called?

Speaker 20 It was Rick's Cabinet.

Speaker 2 We have it on Yelp right here. Rick's Cabaret.
Rick's Cabaret. Let's read some Yelp reviews.
Holy

Speaker 2 fucking shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Well, you know what we're going to do? Because it's tradition here.
We're going to start with the one-star reviews.

Speaker 2 But I got to tell you, this is the, I'm going to go to some five-star reviews, too.

Speaker 2 Let's actually start with the fives and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs that we're going to be in. That's a five-star review right there.
Oh, no doubt about it.

Speaker 20 Shit, if they want to sponsor me, I'll wear a shirt everywhere.

Speaker 2 Hunter F from Huddo, Texas, January 26, 2024. The women are beautiful.
The staff is attentive and personable. Can't beat free prime rib on Fridays.

Speaker 2 Make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and Shai. Buy a few shots and they will give you the best recommendations on the dancers.
Tell them that Hunter sent you. Wow.
Thank you, Hunter.

Speaker 2 What an amazing...

Speaker 2 Tell them I sent you from Yelp.

Speaker 2 Strip Club five-star Yelp reviews might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show, by the way. Tell them Hunter sent you.
Like, what a creep that guy is. That's frightening.

Speaker 2 Had a blast there super professional while also being fun. Got champagne and relaxed with friends.
Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable.

Speaker 2 Bought two bottles of whiskey wanna being way less than I thought it would be. All right.
Yeah, let's go to the one-star reviews. We got to get to the good shit here.
We're going to find out exactly.

Speaker 15 Let's, let's, let's look.

Speaker 2 Who? Okay.

Speaker 12 Here's an interesting thought.

Speaker 2 All right. Who wouldn't they fuck? Oh my goodness.
Oh boy. Ooh, black men.
Okay, let's read this one. Mark C.
from Manhattan, New York.

Speaker 2 Oh boy, the guy from Manhattan rolled into this fucking joint where this guy's just raw dogging.

Speaker 2 I mean, just bodily fluids being exchanged on every pump in and out just liquids coming out of him the third most beautiful asshole in Lansing Michigan just fully exposed on the leather the same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays and little do they know that the third best Lansing asshole is just bouncing off of it with a fucking hand that's throwing up gang signs 24-7.

Speaker 2 And here we go. Mark C said I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co-workers and friends.
I have to say I was very disappointed.

Speaker 2 We are from out of town, but come to Austin for some conferences. The women here were not attractive and were a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic surgery, ass and back acne.

Speaker 2 Did you notice this girl had any acne?

Speaker 20 No, I didn't notice that.

Speaker 13 Beautiful.

Speaker 2 Lighting is everything, people.

Speaker 2 Lighting is everything. Yeah, there's not really anything about...
Oh, okay. We are a racially diverse group, white, black, Indian, and Korean.

Speaker 2 Other reviews on Google said they ignore black guys, and I have to say, it's true.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Two of my coworkers received no attention all night, and guess what? They were black. I noticed it and kind of felt bad, but it is not my establishment.
But yeah, definitely.

Speaker 2 But yeah, definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Rick's. Did you notice black men were being ignored there?

Speaker 20 Honestly, I I wasn't looking at anybody. I was on a mission.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine being a black guy? Sitting at a strip club. No one's been dancing for you all night.

Speaker 2 This fucking guy walks in.

Speaker 2 Five minutes later, his pick is out.

Speaker 2 And it's just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it.

Speaker 2 Oh

Speaker 2 my

Speaker 2 God.

Speaker 2 Don't eat the food. Terrible.

Speaker 2 Stay away from this place. I went with my coworker on Friday.
I got a few rounds, no issues.

Speaker 2 Man, there's no one else's fucking. You are the only one that's ever fucked at this establishment.
Keep reading fast, Red Band. Let's go back to this.
So I gotta know,

Speaker 2 how long do you think you lasted? The sex?

Speaker 20 Shit, like maybe a minute and a half?

Speaker 2 Minute and a half. Good job.

Speaker 4 Good job.

Speaker 5 Did you leave it in or did you take it out?

Speaker 2 There's no way. Oh, no.
I'm disabled. There's no way.

Speaker 2 No way. I'm disabled.
Do you really think I'm going to throw her off of me? No, yeah. Well, you can't.
Hold on a second. Stop, everybody.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 Everybody, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 You came inside of the stripper? Not on purpose.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 In 18 years, there's gonna be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage.

Speaker 2 Fucking.

Speaker 2 Oh

Speaker 2 my god.

Speaker 2 My friend, that is cerebral ballsy. Have you gone back to see?

Speaker 2 Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant?

Speaker 20 Oh, hell no.

Speaker 2 That's why you're not going back.

Speaker 20 Yeah, realistically, yeah. You went to.
Oh, like, honestly, like, as soon as that came, I was like, the first thought I had in my head was, I'm like, this is why I didn't qualify for disability.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Jimmy Carr. What do you think about that?

Speaker 12 I just hope you do go back. I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman because one day in the future, I want this to be grandma, grandpa.
How did you meet?

Speaker 12 And I want this story to come out.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. He's fucking.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband. I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together.

Speaker 2 One of the toilets was clogged and filled with nasty toilet paper, bloodied and soiled. And the other two stalls.
Yeah, Red Band, this is just like your material.

Speaker 2 Red Band showing me his set list from this thirsty

Speaker 2 secret show.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So you came inside of her. Do you give her 350 right then? Did you tip anything? Were you like, oh, you should maybe, did you ask for

Speaker 2 change on the 4th hundred?

Speaker 2 Even though you came inside of her?

Speaker 20 I used Cash App.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 So you digitally cream-pied her bank account.

Speaker 12 Like a gentleman.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 I got to tell you, it's been a 24-minute long interview with Ronnie

Speaker 2 Aurorbeck.

Speaker 2 The adopted Guatemalan Ewok with the third most beautiful asshole from Lansing, Michigan, arrived to Austin, Texas, started cream pieing strippers immediately. Just absolutely fucking incredible.

Speaker 2 I love you, Ronnie. How much material do you think you have altogether, stand-up-wise?

Speaker 20 I just did a half-hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 2 You better invite this motherfucker right now. I'd love to have you on the secret show.

Speaker 2 Bring him a cupcake.

Speaker 2 You know what? She's bringing cupcakes. You bring some cream pies.

Speaker 5 He's not going to be able to catch that.

Speaker 2 He's going to catch it.

Speaker 20 I'm holding the mic in my bad hand so I actually

Speaker 2 got a chance.

Speaker 2 Switch so it's funny.

Speaker 2 I'm going to aim for that right tit so you can you can cup it right there. You ready?

Speaker 2 Ronnie roar it back, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit.
What an episode. Did you guys have fun?

Speaker 2 This is the number one

Speaker 2 show in all of comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Talkspace.
I'm going to remind you one more time, Zach Brown is at the sphere.

Speaker 2 December, January, 2025, 2026. Santino, White Noise is out now on Hulu.
He's on tour, AndrewSantino.com. Of course, Bad Friends.
Jimmy Carr is on a world tour.

Speaker 2 Australia, New Zealand, and the entire world. JimmyCarr.com, Car with Two R's.

Speaker 2 And now, you know,

Speaker 2 even though all of our regulars are always busy, there just happens to be one more comedian left. And there's just one guy that could end an episode like this.

Speaker 2 It is the Hall of Famer with the record for all-time appearances and interviews on the show.

Speaker 2 Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the Duke of

Speaker 2 Debauchery.

Speaker 2 He is the big red machine. This is the one and only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 16 i was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds and you know the property where the bat cave is it's owned by wayne enterprises why would bruce wayne wait does batman owe bruce wayne money

Speaker 16 i mean the dude is saving the day all day and does he ever get a tip hell no dude's probably broke as hell.

Speaker 19 And you know, the government isn't paying him because the cop street guy, he keeps trying to shut his ass down.

Speaker 4 I messed that part up.

Speaker 16 Thank you. Everybody's talking about how AI is going to take over the world.

Speaker 16 Yeah, the movie kind of sucked.

Speaker 16 This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat. Want to go to Antifa Prom with me?

Speaker 16 People always look at birds and say, dang man, I wish I could fly. But birds are probably looking down at us and saying, dang, man, I wish I could start a conspiracy theory.

Speaker 19 That's my time.

Speaker 4 Thank you, Tub.

Speaker 2 Notice all the regulars with exactly a minute tonight right on the dock. God, I pros.

Speaker 16 I really bombed at the beginning. This is a real rough one tonight, but it seemed okay, I guess.

Speaker 13 People love you.

Speaker 2 You're out here. You've done it more than anybody else you've literally done hours and hours and hours on this show it is incredible it's also it was kind of a great premise yeah

Speaker 12 yeah thank you i know bruce wayne thing that's there's something in that yeah go the way you wanted tonight but there's something great something in there i agree thank you i agree Great, William.

Speaker 16 And that weirdo guy was talking about Batman, so I'm thinking, oh my God, this is going to be so good.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 16 I'm thinking, there's no way this weird guy is talking about Batman.

Speaker 2 I know you're not calling my new best friend weird. That is Ronnie Rorbeck.

Speaker 16 I know. I'm kidding.
He seemed nice.

Speaker 2 He's a sweet boy. William, how's life been going? What's going on? Tell us.

Speaker 4 It's been good.

Speaker 16 Just got back from Salt Lake City. I was there this weekend.
The shows were a lot of fun.

Speaker 16 And then on Sunday morning, when I woke up at 7 a.m., I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street. And I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 16 They were doing it right by their window. And I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl, I swear to God, at first I'm like, is this a mannequin?

Speaker 16 Is she passed out? I couldn't tell because he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something.

Speaker 16 I couldn't even tell what was going on, but I watched it for 20 minutes, Tony. It was very exciting on my Sunday morning.

Speaker 2 Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all?

Speaker 16 No.

Speaker 2 You had to think about it there.

Speaker 16 I didn't this weekend at all, Tony.

Speaker 3 I wasn't really in the mood.

Speaker 2 You didn't masturbate at all?

Speaker 6 Not at all this weekend. Did you think that?

Speaker 2 You weren't in the mood.

Speaker 16 Yeah, but then I just wasn't in the mood.

Speaker 2 Why do you think you weren't in the mood?

Speaker 16 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Jimmy.

Speaker 12 I feel like you're saving it for a subway.

Speaker 16 Yeah, what a subway sandwich place? Like the bathroom of a subway?

Speaker 12 I think on the New York subway, I feel like it's the right place for you to be masturbating.

Speaker 16 I know. That could be a fun place.
Maybe the subway, or what's another good place? Let's think of another place, like a McDonald's or something.

Speaker 16 Maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off.

Speaker 2 Where else could be?

Speaker 2 Like a movie theater could maybe be a wonderful place to fucking jack off.

Speaker 28 What do you really?

Speaker 16 Maybe like the fucking zoo or something, Tony.

Speaker 19 Wow.

Speaker 2 Maybe in front of the penguins? Oh,

Speaker 19 no. Too cold, Tony.

Speaker 2 Not in there. Whoa.

Speaker 19 Somewhere in the zoo, but I'm with the penguins, Tony. Oh, my dick's already small, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. But where else?

Speaker 4 Maybe like a...

Speaker 19 Maybe like a gas station. Whoa.

Speaker 2 What gas station? Huh?

Speaker 19 Sitga?

Speaker 16 Maybe a sit go or...

Speaker 12 Buckies is ruby.

Speaker 16 I know, Bucky's. Oh, my gosh.
How did I not think of Bucky's? Maybe I could jack off on Bucky because Bucky walks around the Buckies every day from 10 to 12, 12 p.m., 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 16 So if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there. Maybe that's a good idea.
I could just jack off all on him and have a fun rest of the day, I'm sure.

Speaker 16 I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good.

Speaker 2 jack it off on fucking Bucky's nasty hairy fucking ass

Speaker 2 Wow

Speaker 2 One of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show and I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again

Speaker 16 No Tony you need to and then we can get together because we'll be around each other a lot if he's here like every Monday I think I'd be able to charm him so oh okay

Speaker 2 get the sponsor maybe appears as of though William thinks the Bucky Beaver is a real beaver, a real grown beaver, Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 12 Can I ask about when you were watching this couple making love across the street, was there any eye contact? At any point, did you think they're going to see me watching them?

Speaker 12 The guy would look a little bit, but I was down.

Speaker 16 They were up like three stories, and then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first. I was sitting on the bed at first, and I was like, wait, I got to stand up.

Speaker 16 And then I was standing up, and then I was naked. I was naked this entire time.

Speaker 2 Why were you naked?

Speaker 16 Just thinking maybe I could help help them out if they see my ass down there. They're going to be like, oh my god, this is freaky.
That dude's naked down there watching us.

Speaker 16 So I thought maybe I could help, but they did not see me.

Speaker 16 But it was exciting.

Speaker 2 It really was. That is incredible.
How did it end? Did you notice?

Speaker 2 How could you tell me?

Speaker 16 I had to get out of there. I had to get my lift because I ordered my lift like halfway through, but the lift was taking a while.
So that's why I was able to watch them longer.

Speaker 16 But then I had to just leave.

Speaker 2 Amazing.

Speaker 2 Why lift?

Speaker 2 Why is Lyft your ghost?

Speaker 16 I always look at Lyft and Uber and whatever's cheaper. That's what I go with.

Speaker 2 Wow, a very thrifty William Montgomery, shockingly thrifty, literally rich.

Speaker 4 Literally.

Speaker 16 No, I wouldn't say that, Tony. And I wouldn't also say that.
There's a bunch of fucking weirdos that watch it. A bunch of really nice people, but a bunch of weirdos.

Speaker 16 People don't need to think I have that bunch of money because I don't.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 16 the government takes a lot. I mean,

Speaker 16 it's not really, it's not.

Speaker 16 So we don't even need to talk about it.

Speaker 2 Right. We really don't.
Totally. I love it.

Speaker 16 There's like some strange people that would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment.

Speaker 2 Really worried about what other people think for a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel window butt naked.

Speaker 13 I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of the way.

Speaker 16 Well, we live in a weird time. There's a bunch of weirdos out there, Tony.
I mean, we're in a strange time.

Speaker 2 I love that.

Speaker 12 Weirdos, you say.

Speaker 16 Yeah, there's weirdos everywhere. And there's so.
Sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What else you've been doing for fun, William? Anything else?

Speaker 16 Just a fucking row machine. I'm at 1,900,000 meters.

Speaker 2 Wow. So.
Have you ever thought about jerking off on the row machine?

Speaker 16 No, I almost vomited the other day. So it would not be, I wouldn't be in the mood.
Right.

Speaker 2 All right. At all.
Is there anything else that you're passionate about? Any new snacks in your life?

Speaker 19 Some button figures, Totis.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Wow. This guy's completely bored out of his mind.
Look at this fucking guy's face.

Speaker 16 Do you have a problem with me tonight? You didn't like the first joke.

Speaker 2 I messed up on the first fucking joke.

Speaker 16 What are you one of these fucking weirdos that would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment? Are you one of these fucking dudes?

Speaker 16 Is that where you're looking at me like that, dumbass? You really think we're not gonna be able to see your fucking face, dude?

Speaker 2 You're right there in the light. Yeah, you got caught daydreaming, bro.

Speaker 8 That guy's gonna have a panic attack right now.

Speaker 5 That is bad.

Speaker 2 William.

Speaker 4 Who's that? Who are you with?

Speaker 20 Your sister?

Speaker 16 Who's that lady with you? I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 Is that your sister? Who is that?

Speaker 2 That's his girlfriend.

Speaker 12 Are you ever going to stop? He just got back from Salt Lake City.

Speaker 2 Are you ever going to stop harassing this guy, William? I don't think I'm ever going to stop harassing. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Talkspace.

Speaker 2 White Noises on Hulu. The great Andrew Santino.
Tickets at AndrewSantino.com. JimmyCarr.com for his tickets.
And one more time, what a special treat.

Speaker 2 The great Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen, of the Zach Brown band at the Sphere

Speaker 2 all of December and all of

Speaker 2 January, ladies and gentlemen. And don't forget, the brand new album, Love and Fear, comes out on night one of their Sphere performances, Friday, December 5th.
Zach, fun times. Thank you, my friend.

Speaker 2 How about one more time for the best stand band in the land? The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in.
It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight.
Oh, D-Madness. Look at that.

Speaker 2 That's amazing. amazing.
D, it's beautiful, I promise.

Speaker 2 Did you guys have fun tonight? Red Bam.

Speaker 2 Guys, check out Jet Ski, Jetski Johnson's new podcast.

Speaker 24 I think Santina, were you on it?

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's amazing.
Jet Jewel.

Speaker 3 Go watch Jet Jewel.

Speaker 2 Kill Tony Super Alumni Jet Ski Johnson has a podcast now. The great Heidi and Valerie Bond.
The Kill Tony Beauties have a podcast.

Speaker 2 Yeah, check out everything. Thank you to Talkspace and thank you to the live audience.

Speaker 2 Don't forget, New Year's Eve, we're at the Moody Center, so you people finally have a chance at seeing Kill Tony live, but you got to do it on New Year's Eve in a big-ass arena.

Speaker 2 It's going to be crazy. We love you.
Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 10 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 10 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.