#738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman, Cody Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get it for Tony Hitchcliffe!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh?

Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Yes, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

The great John Bees on the keys.

That is D-Madness live in the flesh.

And how about one more time joining us tonight?

How exciting is this?

The great and powerful Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

Hell yeah.

It is happening.

Love and fear at the sphere in Las Vegas set for December 2025 and January 2026 and the new album Love and Fear releases night one of their sphere performances.

That's Friday, December 5th.

One more time for Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

Joining us all night.

We're going to have some fun.

Fucking welcome to the chaos, Zach.

I love it.

We're going to have a blast tonight, people.

This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you.

How many of you have been fans for a long time?

Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas.

Make some noise if you live somewhere else and flew in because you were able to get tickets to this show.

Unbelievable.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew.

You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blue Chew.

And it's

not just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.

Stronger, harder, longer-lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk.

Discover your options at bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners.

As always, get your first month of Blue Chew for rate.

Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping.

That's it.

Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time.

Go to Blue Chew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

On October 17th, I'm an angel.

See the wings?

Don't miss the new comedy Good Fortune, starring Seth Rogan, Aziz Ansari, and Kiana Reeves.

Critics Rave, heats haven't sent.

Do you have a budget, Guardian Angel?

Kinda.

You were very unhelpful.

Good fortune, directed by Aziz Ansari.

This episode is brought to you by Nespresso and Samra Origins by the Weekend Coffee Collection.

Introducing Samura Origins.

My collaboration with Nespresso is a connection to my roots, to my mother, Samura.

Coffee that hits the right notes.

It transports you.

Crafted with unique notes and bold soaring flavors.

Experience a taste that moves you.

Nespresso Nespresso and Samura Origins.

Discover more at nespresso.com.

Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh?

Wow.

I mean, we got...

An episode sponsored by Talkspace.

We got Zach Brown.

We got the best stand band in the land.

Every single week, I booked two of the funniest people in the world this week.

Holy shit.

Top, tippity, tippity, top.

As good as it fucking gets.

Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino and Jimmy Carr.

Yeah.

Andrew motherfucking Santino is back.

Jimmy Carr.

One of the front runners for guests of the year.

Jimmy Carr is back.

Santino is back.

White Noise is on Hulu.

He's on tour, AndrewSantino.com.

Jimmy Carr, one of the nominees, 2025 Guest of the Year, is back.

Stiff competition.

Rob Schneider, Carrot Top, you, James McCann.

It's fucking crazy runnings.

And you are back and in it looking better than ever.

Me and you, often confused for two ventriloquist dummies.

And here we are working together.

Working together.

It's Goosebumps Meet's Toy Store.

Welcome back, Jimmy.

JimmyCarr.com.

He's on tour all over the world, Aussie, New Zealand, the entire world.

JimmyCarr.com.

How you doing, Jimmy?

I'm having a great time.

I'm very, very pleased to be here.

Kind of excited about this.

Yes, me too.

Nice to be helping young talent.

Absolutely.

Andrew Santino, it has been way too long of a goddamn time.

It's been a long time.

It's good to be back.

Hello, Mothership.

Great to be here.

started together.

18 years ago, we were doing stand-up together all over Los Angeles.

We started together

back when you were in your 50s.

Hey, hey, you fall.

You fucking walking mummy.

All right.

Shoot at me, James.

Ooh, a little chemistry here.

I like it.

She started shit.

It's a little fucking salt and cinnamon over here.

Hello.

Don't.

And

yeah, so Andrew, it's been so long that you've been on the show that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get into tonight's bucket.

It is absolutely incredible.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which rudely interrupts them and then I conduct an interview.

We have some fun We find out more about them the whole thing is improvised.

Anything can happen.

I'm going to let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've ever seen in my entire life.

You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player.

I mean, look at the black of color on these people.

It is incredible.

I think they might be ghosts.

Yeah.

This is fucking crazy.

Are you a couple?

Yeah, that's unfortunate.

If you guys make a baby, it's just going to look like a cup of cum.

Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight.

If you come on her tits, does it just look like nothing?

Let's try.

Let's see it.

We want to see your ghost come, dude.

All right, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

We're going to start it with a golden ticket winner while we go wrangle.

This ghost cum, right?

This is the ghost come episode of Kill Tony.

While we go wrangle that bucket pull from the bar next door, as that person finds out that their life has changed and they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy, we're going to bring out a golden ticket winner to start off with a brand new minute.

Really, one of the most neurotic young comedians coming up.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody.

Here we go.

I got Roadhead!

I did it!

And that should be illegal.

No one should ever have roadhead ever.

It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me.

And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked

while driving.

It is horrifying.

And

if you ever are offering someone roadhead, don't offer them roadhead because we can't say no to that.

It's like offering a Coke addict cocaine.

It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow.

And that's a pun.

And

so, you know, it was happening for me, and we were driving, and it was fantastic, but I'm panicking because that's what happens when you get roadheaded.

Because people can see you while you're driving, dude.

So you're just sitting there fucking trying

to make like you're just driving.

And we were driving, and there was a UPS driver who pulled up next to us.

And you know, they have the big mail trucks, dude.

And I'm panicking, and I look over at him.

And he's looking at me, and he goes,

And that's what I learned.

I come from positive affirmation.

No, no, no, don't clap.

Stop.

Stop, please.

Stop clapping.

Stop, no.

By God, he's coming, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm going to cut you off right there, Jack.

Welcome, welcome.

That was great, Jimmy.

Can I ask where your mother was driving you?

No.

You cannot.

Jack, that was fun.

That type of bit plays right into your awkward nervous neurosis.

What are you talking about?

I'm like a cool guy.

Andrew.

I'm like a cool guy.

Yeah.

Go ahead, Andrew.

Yeah, this is...

Trump was right.

Tylenol during pregnancy.

Trump was fucking right on the money, dude.

This is bad.

It's getting really bad.

It's amazing.

Totally relatable to people that have had Roadhead before.

Where was this?

Oh, I was on the way back from Yosemite.

We were on a big mountain.

And I think because we were on a big mountain, she was like, oh,

suck your dick.

Wow.

It's like, yeah.

Amazing.

Have you ever had Roadhead?

Yes.

I'll ask you the question.

What kind of car were you driving when getting this roadhead?

I was driving my fiat.

Oh my god, it's a tiny little car.

Oh, it's a tiny car.

It's a tiny car.

Wow.

Yeah.

Jimmy.

It was cramped.

All right.

Are you a cartoon?

You have a very cartoon vibe.

Oh, okay.

I mean, I love it.

Okay.

But you don't feel like a real boy.

Have you seen your face?

It is.

It is.

like

actually pretty reasonable.

Yeah, yeah.

It's so scary.

Jimmy.

The issue is the laugh suits you.

Yeah, it does.

When did you start laughing like that?

I've always had like an inny laugh.

A weird inny.

I've got a theory on it.

I think I must have rubbed a magic lamp at some point and a magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes and there must have been a mix-up, but something lost in translation.

Now instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one.

Tony, you stay quiet over there.

It's just me and Jimmy now.

Okay, Jimmy.

Okay, never mind.

All right.

Very funny.

Sorry, I thought that was going to be so funny.

And I'm being groomed.

Yeah.

You're being reverse groomed.

Yeah, my bad.

The pedophile has become the rubber.

Oh, wait, no.

I said that wrong.

The victim has become the pedophile.

There it is.

Could have been better the first time, but all right.

Jack, what else is going on in life?

Everything good?

You know,

I've been trying to find ways to deal with my anxiety, and I've been nervous to talk about this, but

I've and people in my life don't know about this, but I've been

I've found a way to deal with it, and I've been jazz scatting.

Okay, let's check what you want to do a a little jazz scatting for the next one?

I was thinking I could.

I think I could jazz scat a little bit.

Okay.

Just

Jack's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about five minutes.

He is literally at four minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now.

And I can just feel it creeping on.

Like, I kind of get sick of him.

He's always great for a minute.

Here he is.

Jazz scatting.

It's Jack Shaw, everybody.

Wow, unbelievably stupid

We're gonna check in with our senior music correspondent tonight Zach Brown.

What did you think about that jazz scatting that you just heard right there?

I threw open my mouth a little bit.

Perfect, yes.

I think we all did.

We all had a lot of time.

I feel like I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell.

Yeah.

It is true.

He does have those creepy vibes.

Andrew Santino.

Yeah, just once again, the Jews stealing black art lies.

Yeah.

Once again, dude.

It is.

Amazing.

I was afraid of that, but I have jazz in my heart and cum in my pants.

So that's...

Okay, sorry.

Wow.

All right.

All right.

Well, you got tonight started for us.

I showed everybody how it goes.

Jack Shaw, ladies.

Thank you guys so much.

And it has begun, everybody.

To the bucket we go.

This is the bread and butter of the show where truly anything can happen.

We meet people together.

Sometimes it's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming an arena actor on SNL.

Anything can happen.

We're finding the next talent.

Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily, and it turns out life hits hard.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Marvin Izzy, everybody.

Marvin Izzy.

Y'all good?

Hell yeah, man.

So I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months and saw in the news, the reporters said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle.

And one of them stabbed the other and murdered him.

And that shit made me sad.

Because, like, 40 years of being on this earth, and I ain't know what kerfuffle meant.

I was looking up, where's Kerfuffle, Texas, on Google and shit.

Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool.

But my grandparents celebrated, they were 60 years together before they passed away.

And I asked her, like, what's your secret for a long relationship like that?

My grandmother was like, it's not, don't worry, it's not going to happen for you.

And I'm like, damn, why not and she was like because we've known each other since we were children and i'm like that's beautiful like how did y'all even know each other since y'all were kids and she was like because we're cousins

so it's it's true we're not i will never achieve what they achieved because i broke up with my cousin years ago

marvin izzy all right

Hell yeah, welcome back to the show Marvin.

I remember you you've been on before.

Yes, sir.

How's it going?

It's been going great, man.

I've been out here living in Austin for nine months, and it's fucking beautiful out here, man.

I love it.

Right.

Well, how do you make money, Marvin?

So I...

It's a very good question.

I have a day job.

I mean, I work for this factory company just doing assembly work and shit, just handle the inventory.

That's right.

What are you putting together in the factory?

Just computer parts and stuff.

Really can't say too much about it.

They made me sign like NDAs and stuff.

Oh, perfect.

Well, then you've already said too much.

Yeah.

I love it.

Marvin, what have you been doing for fun in life other than what have you been doing?

A lot of open mics?

Yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff.

You know, sign up for the mothership every Monday, sign up here every Monday, and like Creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out to.

What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up?

Honestly, I just like to chill in my crib.

Like, you know, just chill in your crib.

Yeah, just chill in my house, you know.

We are like peas in a pot.

I love to chill in my crib.

Indeed, you do.

I feel like,

is there a drug assist going on here?

Weed.

Oh, weed.

You're not counting that as a...

Yes.

That's it.

Drugs.

No.

That makes sense.

What do you do when you're chilling at the crib?

What exactly do you do?

I like to have a little drink, sit on my little patio area, just look at the stars and shit.

Look at the stars.

Look at you.

Entertain the shit.

I love this guy.

I think you're a fucking beautiful human being.

Because you came out with that, yo, yo, that's what up.

And then now we talk and you're like, well, I like to sit on the patio.

You're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom.

I fucking.

I like you, dude.

I am actually polite, you know?

Yeah, but I am from the hood.

Where are you from?

I'm originally from Bronx, New York.

Okay.

What's the craziest thing you ever saw in the streets of the Bronx?

Oh, shit.

I seen a dude get stabbed over a Heineken bottle.

Oh, my God.

That's cool.

They call that a kerfuffle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Little.

Indeed, they do.

A little Puerto Rican payback right there.

It's like Freaky Friday.

He's being me.

Amazing.

What did you do when you saw that?

Did you try to help the stabbing victim?

No, I just screamed, oh, in shock.

And I lived right, it happened right across the street from a police station.

I'm like, oh!

Like that.

Oh, like, oh, you know.

Is that how you said it?

Yeah, something like that.

Like, oh, shit, you know, like.

That was the type of blood that was pouring out of the innocent victim.

It was type O.

Yeah.

Type O, yeah.

Why'd I do that?

Way to help them.

Yeah, nah.

And then there was a police station right across the street.

So we looked at them and was like, yo, come help.

And they told us to call 911.

Yeah.

It's a bureaucracy.

You have to go to this.

There's an order of events there.

You can't just wave at the police.

Yeah, silly.

I got genuine feedback, if that's appropriate.

Let's do it.

You're adorable when you smile.

Like, you've got a really lovely smile.

Thank you.

And yet you came out and you were very kind of, it was quite a harsh, kind of tough guy thing.

I think laughing a little bit would be good with your set.

I think I was just more focused on it because, you know, my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now.

Definitely not.

I remember it was terrible.

But I like it when he giggles.

It's true.

It's kind of funny.

Jimmy's got a point.

You can be focused and smile at the same time.

I'm just saying that.

Oh, Loki Doki.

You do your own thing.

I'm sorry.

All right.

There we go.

It's right how someone compliments like my giggle and stuff because someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican Krusty the Clown.

So thank you.

I'm sorry.

Is it you were saying?

I'm sorry.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for the opportunity.

Really, thank you.

Wow, what an opportunity you've given me.

I'm so glad you pulled me out of your fucking bucket tonight so that I can talk on your show.

Thank you.

What is this tattoo on your farm?

What does that say?

This is my daughter's name.

It says Layla.

That says Layla?

Can we get a close-up on that?

Because that does not say fucking language.

No, it doesn't.

What language is that?

It's calligraphy.

And

I guess in the princess did it or something.

I did it when I was like 18 or some shit.

He won Say Layla.

Now, you know, I...

Did you stab the tattoo artist with a Heineken bottle after that?

No, no, I didn't get into any kerfuffles with him.

All right.

Layla.

Yeah.

Like the captain's song.

What song?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cultured.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't know Layla.

Layla.

Got me on my knees, Layla.

You don't know that song?

No, I really don't.

It's kind of like if Bad Bunny slowed it down and had rhythm.

i don't listen to bad bunny either i didn't know you couldn't sing

every time you've been on you had a little joke book yeah and i uh actually wanted to ask a weird thing i wanted to trade in my little joke book

and i wanted to see if you guys somebody here wanted to do something cool oh boy really your moment huh jesus christ holy shit bro i said i'm prepared for this more than you did for the fucking minute took you 35 seconds to get to the kerfuffle punchline, but here you are.

Well, I'd like to stop and

I'd like to do something special.

What are you?

Accepting a fucking Emmy award or not.

I think he's going to try and fuck Tony.

Yeah, I think so.

Wants to shove the joke book up my ass.

What's going on?

So this will be the second time that I'm doing this.

I'm going to cut my hair off and donate it for children to get wigs made out of.

Wow.

So I wanted to know.

Some kid with cancer out there is going to have a greasy pony.

Cut it off?

Oh, okay, great.

Wait, what?

Andrew's going to cut off the tail here.

I don't want to fucking look at it anymore.

I was

sneak a pair of scissors in here.

I hope y'all do.

I can't bring any.

You got a knife?

This guy's got a crazy knife.

Wait a second.

What are we doing here?

Oh, my God.

This is how it all ends, everybody.

Man,

man stabbed with Zach Brown's knife.

Kill Tony, Zach Brown, we're all getting canceled at the same time.

Joe Rogan's just like, oh, out.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

All right.

That is a fucking knife.

That is a powerful knife.

This is great.

You can add hairdressing to your resume.

It's incredible.

He's trying to follow in your footsteps, Dad.

It's incredible.

Beautiful.

This is very healthy hair as well.

Why is it still in your hand?

Yeah.

Well, I realize if I put it down, it will go away.

Oh, it's so disgusting.

Get that away from us.

Please hand it to...

No, no, no, no, no.

No!

It's for the cancer kids.

It's almost October.

Where do you guys want?

Where do you want?

You hold it.

I want to trade this in.

Give it to that guy.

You want to what?

I want to trade this in.

What the fuck are we going to do do with that?

You psycho.

Spent too much time.

I was going to

be staring at the stars.

You keep your little joke book.

All right.

Keep your little joke book, and you've moved up to a medium joke book.

There you go.

And the show has begun with Marvin Isby.

Fucking.

There's something disgusting to me about that hair.

Get out of here, Marvin.

Go.

Jesus.

Fucking just one more thing.

I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and shit.

Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen.

Nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair better than the beautiful Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen.

HeidiRegina.com, her new website.

She has a new podcast with the great Valerie Dr.

Dandriff all over this table.

Very good.

Red Band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big dandruff line in there, everyone.

If you look back at the video, he's waiting.

He's got the mic up to his mouth to say there's dandruff.

I'll stop being polite.

I'll stop being polite.

Polite?

That is a compliment.

It's not dandruff.

It's actual hair.

There is small pieces of hair.

Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew.

You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blue Chew.

And it's not just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.

Stronger, harder, longer-lasting.

Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk.

Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex.

Tony, I love eating me some Blue Chew.

chew.

They're providing the best ED treatment out there.

I can carry my encyclopedia Britannica.

If you catch my dream.

Whoa.

Wow.

That's crazy.

Guys, this isn't about performance.

This is about legacy or third legacy.

Give her group chat something to talk about.

You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up.

Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Blue Chew.

Discover your options at Blue Chew.com, and we've got a special deal for our listeners.

As always, get your first month of Blue Chew for rate.

Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping.

That's it.

Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time.

Go to Blue Chew.com for details and safety info.

And big thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

Hello there.

This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.

The holidays are upon us and businesses are hiring for seasonal roles.

Everything from haunted corn maze workers to lead elves and real bearded Santas to snowplow drivers.

This means that people with certain skills, experience, or even a special license are in high demand and not easy to find.

Whether you're hiring for one of these roles or any other role, the best way to find your perfect match in your role is on ZipRecruiter.

And right now, you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash kill Tony.

Tony, I love ZipRecruiter.

It's the best hiring site out there.

You can find out right away how many job seekers are in your area that are qualified.

for your role.

With ZipRecruiter's advanced resume database, you can instantly unlock top candidates contact info.

No wonder ZipRecruiter's number one rating height, uh, hiring site based on G2.

Let ZipRecruiter find the right people for your roles, seasonal or otherwise.

Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

And right now, you can try it for free at ziprocruder.com/slash killtony.

Again, that's zip recruiter.com/slash kiltony.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

You guys ready for your next bucket pull?

You get it?

Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds.

It's Justin Tamayo, everybody.

Justin Tamayo.

So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands.

And when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, if you look just right out there,

you can see Epstein's Island.

I'm like, what the fuck?

He looked over at his wife.

He's like, what the fuck?

He said, yeah, and if you go on the beach, you grab a seashell, you can hear a kid cry.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

Y'all laughed at that, but that's

yeah.

Um, sorry, you got any single people here?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

I'm doing that online dating, or what I call, I keep getting tricked by fat girls.

The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones.

Because, no, that is not the threesome I want to have.

I'm Justin Tamayo.

Thank you guys.

Justin Tamayo, everybody.

Welcome, Justin.

Is this your first time on the show?

Absolutely, man.

I love it.

How long you been doing stand-up?

About two and a half and some change.

Where at?

Just local Austin Anderson Mill Pub.

Gotta love that.

The open mic.

You can get on there.

It's it's hard as shit.

Wow.

Amazing.

I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson Pub.

Hey, I hardly do that.

It's so hard to do.

Andrew Santina.

I love your disdain for fat girls.

I think that's great.

I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women.

I like that, dude.

That's good.

Especially because you're in such good shape.

I like that you're like...

Fuck these fat girls, man.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Fuck them, dude.

Right on.

Good for you, dude.

Rock and roll.

How often are you getting tricked by fat girls?

How often does this happen?

It happens a lot, and I'm sure every guy here can attest to it.

What's the trick that they're doing?

No one.

How do they trick you?

What are they doing?

Are they using filters on their pictures?

Well, it's the angles, man.

It's the angles, the hair.

They put the hair, and they prompt the titties up there.

And it's just every guy's like, yes, swipe.

And then they're like, fuck.

They see him.

So you end up out on dates with these people.

Nope.

Nope.

And then what do you, what, how does it go?

Do you end up finishing anyway?

Because you're already committed?

No, I mean.

What do you do?

Fake a stomachache and go home early?

It's good.

That's good, actually.

It is good.

No.

So what I started doing was meeting them at Wendy's.

And I do.

Is that true?

Wait, what is this thing?

I do a little drive-by.

Oh.

Man, this happens a lot.

It did.

It did.

Are you sure you don't want anything?

No, I mean the worst thing they get a frosty out of it and everybody's happy, right?

Okay, but seriously though, like what's the limit?

Like when do you decide, Jimmy Carr, you want to jump in on this?

Well, yeah, I mean the fat shaming thing, I mean if you come on, lighten up.

And do you not like a larger lady?

There's more cushion for the pushing.

That's something.

Honestly, it's I have a air mattress topper and if they're bigger than me, we just fall in there like a black hole.

Oh, this is an insecurity thing, is what this is.

No, I just want to be able to fuck, honestly.

Okay.

I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole.

Maybe stop wearing shorts.

You're a grown man.

Okay.

It's hot out here.

Solid advice, I would say.

Solving for comfort, I see.

I like the Epstein Island thing.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It was good.

It was good.

How did you break your nose when you were younger?

Fuck.

I'm going to guess it was a fat girl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm going to guess that there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their friends afterwards and go, yeah, this fucking guy had a real crooked nose.

It was weird.

It was like staring at his face.

It looked good in the pictures because of the angles.

But then when we were at Wendy's eating our baconators together with red ban across the restaurant from us, I couldn't help but to notice that his nose was crooked as all shit.

It was all I could pay attention to and think of.

So basketball accident or something?

I gotta tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you got a crooked nose right now.

Right now, you've never been told this before?

Never.

Oh my god.

You've never been photographed before?

Yeah.

Must be the angle of your mirror, man.

Wait till he hears what happened to his mustache.

What do you do for work, Justin?

This is, um, I'm a pool guy.

Okay.

Clean pools.

Clean pools.

All right.

Fat girls, huh?

Yeah.

Catch some whales in that net.

With your little shark fin nose.

Fuck, man.

Yeah, dude.

It's crooked as a motherfucker, dude.

Just

so you're on the online dating apps.

I'm not really an aficionado of such things, but how do you describe your body type?

I'm finding out right now, probably wrong, and I should have put in the crooked nose part now.

But the crooked nose is the least of your worries.

Is it?

Fuck.

Oh, my God.

I'm talking more about the, what are you?

You're like a B-cup, right?

Yay.

I think he has them pushed up a little bit tonight.

What do you have in your bio on your dating app?

Honestly, I don't online date anymore.

Oh.

That was an old joke.

Oh, okay.

Been cooking it.

I've been loving getting roasted by you guys for it, so it's great.

I love it.

Oh, you'll be all right.

I'll be good, yeah.

We love you.

We still love you.

Do you do any pool material?

There's got to be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools, right?

Yeah, I mean, there isn't like, I've been, how I've been diving into like where I write my jokes has been like piece by piece, and I haven't kind of got there yet, honestly.

Can I ask a question?

Yes, just on behalf of everyone.

Is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool?

Yeah.

No, no.

That doesn't exist.

That's no.

Because

sometimes I pee in the pool, and that's not really an issue, but sometimes I pee into the pool.

That's the problem.

Get upset with that.

Right, of course.

There's the splash.

There's no chemical.

So unless they can't shoot, dick in hand.

Right, absolutely.

Yeah.

I have a pool question.

I heard

when you smell chlorine, I always thought, wow, they just changed the water or whatever.

I heard that's the actual smell of pee in the pool.

No.

And when you smell it, that's the dead chlorine.

I could answer that.

The dead pee.

Well, the dead chlorine that's made kills.

Right, so that's right.

Well, I get, I mean, if you're just peeing in the pool, that's all you got, then yeah.

No.

No.

Smell of dead chlorine.

That means it killed a pee.

No, no, no.

That's not what that means.

Well, this is.

If you put chlorine in the pool, it smells like chlorine.

Doesn't mean someone pissed.

Chlorine smells like chlorine.

That's what I thought of.

Piss smells like piss.

I heard it.

So many told me.

I think you should write some pool shit.

Science, everybody.

We got fucking Anthony Fauci over here

trying to fudge the numbers.

Our studies show that if you smell chlorine, it's actually piss.

By our own research, done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves.

All right.

Justin,

what is the craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool?

Ooh, I found two baby deers.

Wow.

Thank God you said deers.

Because I just thought you were going to end with two babies.

It was going to be the same thing.

You just...

Okay.

How big were the deers?

Something around Christmas time?

Was it perhaps?

Well, no, it was just after like a gnarly rainstorm.

So the pool got super high, and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime.

They just walked in there.

The pool got high?

Right, yeah, it's got super...

The pool went above the level of the water.

Well, no, the water level kind of just went level and they couldn't tell.

It went level.

Right.

You know, like a pool.

Right.

So,

okay.

Trying to reel all this.

Red man's trying to prove to me that the smell of chlorine is actually pea.

He's asking AI and showing me, but the question he asks is, smell of chlorine is actually pea?

When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like, well, yes.

Read it.

The sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine, but rather chloramines, a product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen-containing substances found in urine, sweat, and other bodily fluids.

High levels of these, get your cigarette away from me.

High levels of these chloramines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria.

What does it say at the bottom there?

No fat chips.

Who wrote that?

It is amazing.

There's also a postmate's order that's halfway filled.

His shopping cart is filled.

Justin Tamayo, congratulations.

You're leaving here.

Also, with a medium joke book, congratulations.

There he goes.

Justin Tamayo, ladies and gentlemen.

On to the next one we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vasquez, everyone.

Jesse Vasquez.

Hello, everybody.

What's going on?

All right.

What kill Tony?

Hi.

All right.

AR-15 bulletproof vest, pistol, and bullets.

What do we call those?

School supplies.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

Speaking of shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently.

I never met the guy, but I hear he's a real pain in the neck.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

I'm sorry.

I figure if I bomb hard enough, Trump will tweet about it.

All right.

All right, all right.

I get told I look like I'm gonna kill somebody a lot.

I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries.

Oh, I'm nervous as fuck, guys.

Appreciate it.

All right, all right, all right.

Um,

I already said that.

All right.

How do you come on a senator?

You fill a bust of nut on her.

No?

All right, all right.

Are they gonna have in a not-tying seminar for suicide survivors?

Second time's a charm?

Right?

No, too dark.

All right, guys.

All right, last thing real quick.

Most girls don't know.

They're stopping you there, Jesse.

I'm gonna jump in too.

Yeah, that's enough.

Hi, Jesse.

Have you ever done stand-up before?

Yes, I have.

I'm nervous as fuck, Tony.

Okay, why?

Why are you extra nervous right now?

I'm on Kill Tony.

Right?

I've performed in front of maybe about 15 people is the most so far.

Okay, how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy?

You memorize none of your jokes.

You're not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared.

Like literally anybody could do what you just did.

Yes, they can.

Especially making fun of Charlie Clark.

Most famous guy in the world right now.

You got his name 50% correct.

Don't fuck it up.

My bad.

Yeah, you fucked it all up, buddy.

Yes, sir.

You fucked it all up.

So again,

how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy?

I've been in Austin for about two months.

I'd say maybe twice a week so far.

Twice a week.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

So how's it been going?

Do you always

write off the paper like that?

No, I don't.

I just wrote it down.

I fucking, I knew I was in a blank as soon as I got up here, man.

What do you do?

Take a guess.

I bet you get it on the first shot.

I bet I don't.

Fucking dude.

I do delivery drivers.

I do a delivery.

I do DoorDash.

Okay.

I do security at ACL next month.

How old are you?

36.

And why is it that you're just delivering things?

Have you not gotten good at anything?

Prison?

Okay, let's talk about it.

Why'd you go to prison?

Now I'll engage.

Yeah.

Final.

Yeah, obviously I went to prison.

I'm pretty sure y'all can tell.

This is what you're good at talking about.

Look how different his body language is.

Okay, here we go.

All right.

Starts moving.

The nervousness is gone.

I feel like this is your thing.

You're the prison guy.

Tell us about it.

Take it.

Yeah, well, first time I went to prison, a year and a half for weed.

Okay.

About 100 pounds of weed, and then

the second, the second weed.

100 pounds of weed.

A hundred pounds of weed.

That's a me's worth of weed.

That's just one time.

That's a 33 pounds, and another time with 40 pounds.

Oh, my goodness.

33 and 40, and that's 100.

No, no, no, no.

Three separate times.

100, 30.

You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates.

And then the second time I got caught,

well, it was a conspiracy.

It was 57 illegals

were transported keep going

go ahead I rented the guy the U-Haul that took a bunch of illegals somewhere you ran into the guy rented you rented the guy the U-Haul I heard that U-Haul had that business

yes don't they rent the U-Hauls

I rented it for him

you rented it for him through U-Haul okay and then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back and then it sounds very much like you were the guy yeah it really does i don't want to give you a hard time i got receipts so how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them to run this extremely illegal operation how much money did you

fifteen hundred bucks fifteen hundred bucks and how long did you do in jail

three and a half years whoa for shit hey fifteen hundred bucks was it

that's like an iphone yeah

three and a half years and those are the two times those are the only two times you've been to jail?

To prison.

Okay.

I've been to jail lots of times.

Okay, tell us about some of the times you've been to jail.

Got caught with

smaller amounts of marijuana.

That's pretty much it.

I mean, a lot of wheat, a tickets.

At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America?

No.

That must be an annoying thing.

Be very upset.

But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps.

Was it all in Texas, all these things?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is?

Me.

Yeah.

See how he knows the terminology?

He knows only prison shit.

When you look at your face, I could tell the guys were like, Jesse's gonna take the hit for sure.

Oh, yeah.

Like, this guy definitely gets busted.

100%.

Yeah.

Jesse,

what was it like in prison?

Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive.

Would you make a little like quesadilla out of Doritos and like crumbled up crumb cakes or something?

It's funny that you say that, Tony that happens a lot in there.

I actually

would just buy like I had my own store just buy shit and resell it with stamps.

Stamps is money in prison guys dollar stamps.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so you walk around with a fat stack of stamps.

You shove a bunch of stamps up my ass for if I ever get sent to prison.

Yeah.

Stampos.com.

I got to say something.

I said this to the other guy too.

Your material should be about prison.

Yeah.

I mean everything's such a wealth of not like it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear.

It'd be funny, yeah.

Yeah.

I want to know, like, did you, were you, were you a bitch?

Were you a golf?

He was a bitch.

Well, I know, in terms.

I got kind of lucky that I'm not.

He was a good-looking guy.

Huh?

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep answering your question.

Go ahead.

I feel like I just look scary.

I get told, I'm serious about that.

People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people, but why would you go say that to somebody?

Yeah, no, it's like I want to kill people.

It kind of makes you want to kill somebody.

Doesn't it?

Exactly.

Thank you.

But you would never.

People that have been to prison multiple times never do anything.

Never, never.

But yeah, you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees, without a doubt.

The trunk opens for just a moment.

You see those eyes, and then it's just darkness.

He's got a tattoo that says, please stop.

I feel like you look at me.

You don't know if I'm going to fuck you or I'm going to kill you.

Either way, I'm coming.

Yeah, okay.

Very good.

See, there's a good one.

All right, there you go, Jesse.

I feel like it's definitely both, and it's what order.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I personally, I hope he kills me first.

The other part of that is he does whatever he's going to do.

I think we're all in agreement.

You should write a set about being in prison.

That's the interesting thing about it.

No doubt about it.

I will.

The edgy jokes.

You got to be so fucking good at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy.

Yes, sir.

You don't do it until you're ready to do it.

The squeeze has to be, the juice has to be worth the squeeze, right?

You got nothing there.

Leave that stuff alone.

Just talk about you, first person.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

No doubt about it.

Let me ask you this.

Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison?

No, no.

With any close calls?

No, no.

Okay, so did you just use your imagination and like masturbate?

They're like, what did you do?

Oh, they got plenty of, well, so there's guys in there.

Okay.

Just jerking off to a stamp George Washington.

Just like, oh, yeah.

So, yeah.

More like Abraham Lincoln, am I right?

Because this dude's hot.

It's kind of neat because, so there's people that have been in there for a long time.

I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born.

And

just saying that because...

Rick fan.

Come on.

We did.

Anyway, he goes to meet.

He's dead.

Yeah.

There's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore, but they used to.

So there's a lot of like 80s and 90s like, you know, magazines and shit like that.

So you get a little blast from the past, you know?

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Not the first time you've seen a hundred pounds of bush.

Were you bummed?

Were you bummed that you never got picked?

That no one?

I never got picked.

I got picked on Kiltoni.

I can't get picked.

No, you bummed that no one in prison wanted you.

Were you bummed?

Well, did that kind of, it's like everybody wants to, you don't want to be picked last.

You know?

I'll take what I can get.

All right.

Well, good news.

What you're getting is the size of a stamp every day.

It's a little joke buck.

There you go, buddy.

If you only caught books as well as you catch charges.

yes

there he goes Jesse Vasquez ladies and gentlemen oh my goodness we're having fun some very compelling interviews by these bucket fools not a big joke book yet hi there this podcast is sponsored by nicked nicked is back baby they're our favorite pouches and this time it's 100 made in the USA they rebuilt it from the ground up every single piece of it all American sourced these are higher quality premium ingredients people and here's the difference with nicked other brands are using wood pulp but nicked uses a coconut fiber blend that actually feels and hits just right.

They are on another level.

Tony, guess what?

I love Nicked.

These pouches are so much better than any of the others I've tried.

Nick has the best flavors, and they last so much longer.

Plus, these pouches don't hurt my gums like the other brands.

That's right.

You have weak little gums.

Everybody knows it.

Right now, Kill Tony listeners get 35% off on limited orders for up to six months.

Where else will you find this kind of deal?

Only at nickedpouches.com/slash Tony.

with code Tony.

Get 35% off at NYKD pouches.com slash Tony.

Nicked USA, the pouches are back.

Nicked products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified.

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

Howdy!

This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

When we were young, we used to dream of being anything, an astronaut, the president, a fireman, a professional donut maker.

Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, start dreaming of owning your own business, perhaps.

Yeah, you'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers.

Thankfully, that's where today's great sponsor, Shopify, comes in.

Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S.

From household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started with hundreds of ready-to-use templates.

Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand's style.

Tony, Shopify is the best.

Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools.

Now you can accelerate your content creation.

Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you.

Easily create emails, social media campaigns, wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling.

Or bowling or perhaps rolling.

Why am I doughnuts?

Whoa, donut lover, Brian Redband.

Shopify is your commerce expert.

So turn your big business idea into

with Shopify on your side.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash killtony.

Go to shopify.com slash killtony.

But have great interviews.

Make some noise for your next one.

It's Paul Ramirez, everybody.

Bugging pole number four.

So I just got told I look like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I suck the Pikachu from Dick, you know?

All right, that sucked.

Oh, yeah, I just graduated high school about a year ago today, and I found out in the news that my old high school teacher, he got arrested for trading A's in exchange for sex, which wasn't news to me because I was a straight A student back in high school.

He taught me a valuable lesson, though.

One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life you got to give head to get ahead.

You know,

high school was weird for me.

I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know.

And my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings.

My school came up with a program.

We'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school, you know?

Which benefited me because it made me Mr.

Popular back in high school.

I don't know why I was going to shoot the school.

I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know?

Thank you.

Paul Ramirez with his Kill Tony debut.

How old are you, Paul?

Scared.

What?

Scared.

How old are you, Paul?

Oh, my bad.

22.

What did you think I said?

How are you?

Oh, I love it.

Okay.

And you were in high school until you were 21?

Why?

How?

How did this happen, Paul?

I don't know.

I'm gay.

All right.

Okay.

What did that have to do with it?

I don't know, man.

Okay.

I ran out of things to say.

It's okay, Paul.

Just think of the real answers.

You don't have to have a joke prepared for everything.

I'm trying too hard.

So don't do that.

Just

answer honestly, Paul.

You're doing good, buddy.

Don't worry.

You're panicking.

I am.

It's okay.

Paul, close your eyes, Paul.

Yeah.

No, keep your eyes closed.

Close your eyes, Paul.

Close your eyes.

It's okay.

Trust us.

Remember who you are.

Know who you are.

You're Paul.

You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes.

They did pretty good, huh, Paul?

Do you feel good?

Yeah.

Now open your eyes.

Here we are, Paul.

Welcome to Kill Tony.

Yeah.

Paul.

Ramirez.

Ramirez.

Where are you from, Paul?

El Paso.

Okay.

How long have you been in Austin?

Two days.

I love it.

How long you staying for?

I leave tomorrow.

Okay.

And

what else are your plans in Austin or what have you done since being here?

I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel room.

Okay.

Today?

Is that today?

Yeah.

All right.

How many beers did you have?

Like four.

Oh my goodness.

Four beers.

Yeah.

Did you have any drinks at the bar next door?

No, it's too expensive.

Okay.

It's like 20 bucks for two drinks.

Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room?

Oh, Circle K.

Okay.

How many beers did you buy?

Four?

I bought a 12-pack, but I split it between my friends.

Okay.

You're staying in a hotel with friends.

Yeah.

How many guys are in this hotel room?

Oh, dude, like three and one girl.

Wow.

Amazing.

Two beds?

Yeah, I sleep on the floor.

Okay.

Wow.

Kind of odd to be a gay guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of dudes.

Yeah, man.

It's fucking sick.

I creep up on them at night.

Hell yeah.

All right.

That poor girl.

Yeah, exactly.

Nah, she just watches.

All right.

Paul, like I said, that poor girl.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

What do you do for work in El Paso?

Landscaping.

I'm a spic.

Wow.

All right.

Paul, close your eyes again, dude.

Good God.

Take it easy, Paul.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Wild boy, Paul.

Bad boy, Paul.

Hello, not a good stand-up.

I hit four years yesterday.

Wow, so you really did start when you were 18.

Yeah.

Okay, then you're just still doing the high school joke because that's the one you're used to.

Yeah, it's my best shit.

Yeah, okay.

Everything else is shit.

Yeah.

I'm going to get.

It is good.

That joke is good.

You like it?

I think it was a good little run of joke.

Beyond being genuine, it was a great little...

You had a good...

It was really good.

It all tied together.

It was very good.

Thank you, man.

I like your shit.

Yeah, thank you.

I think you're...

No.

This guy's the fucking man.

Yeah, I was going to say,

I love that guy.

I think you're fucking funny.

And your material is.

You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, oh, I'm gay.

I got scared.

My bad.

It's okay.

It's all right.

You're comfortable now.

Take your hands out of your pockets.

Relax a little bit.

Paul.

What's your family like?

You have a big family?

My mom's fat.

Wow.

Why do you think your mom's fat?

We got a bucket pull for her.

I'm sorry.

Why do you think your mom's so fat?

What is she?

I saw her.

Right, but

what do you think she's doing to be fat?

Yeah.

Did you.

Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way.

I bet.

I was asking

something she eats or something like that.

Jimmy Carr, go ahead.

Did your fat mom ever fuck the pool guy?

No, we don't have a pool, just dirt.

I live in El Paso.

It's true.

No pools in El Paso.

No, there's pools in El Paso.

We just don't got one.

We got grass, yeah?

You seem terrific.

I love you, man.

Yeah.

You seem just kind of terrific, but I think that thing about going, so you're a gay guy, very straight acting, right?

I'm not straight.

No, no, but you're straight.

That was sucked.

My bad.

So that thing of light going, when did you come out?

Jesus.

Huh?

When did you come out?

2003.

Oh, oh, as gay.

He answers questions in such an odd way.

What did you eat for breakfast?

Well, I've eaten everything for breakfast that I've ever tried for every breakfast.

Yeah, but it was literal.

He said, when did you come out as gay?

He said, 2003.

When he was born into the world.

that's the last vagina he was in.

That's right.

That's right.

Never again, he said.

Never again.

Yuck.

Are you really gay?

Is this a bit?

Nah, dude, I just say that when I'm nervous.

Okay.

Jesus, I hope this guy never goes to Bristol.

I was just nervous.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

I think there's something of the Belushis about his eyes.

There's something about your eyes that's very balushy.

And I mean that in a, you're kind of adorable.

Thank you.

Kind of adorable, right?

He's very likable.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like him.

No doubt about it.

22.

Still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago.

It's incredible.

I'm gay.

There you go.

Catchphrase, ladies and gentlemen.

It's never going to get old.

Yeah.

I like that.

Sweet.

Put it on merch.

You have merch that says I'm gay.

No, I have merch about my mom's cock.

Your mom has a cock?

I hope so.

Okey-dokey.

Again, some people, bad minutes, good interviews.

Some people, good minutes, bad interviews.

The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book.

Yeah!

There you go.

Paul Ramirez.

Wow.

Amazing.

Let's get through another one here.

Make some noise for your next bucket pool, who seems to be the the first non-Latino of the night.

Four in a row.

These people.

Thank you, Joe Biden, for

letting these people in.

All right.

Make some noise for your first non-Latino bucket pull of the night.

Chris Reese, everybody.

Chris Rees.

Well, he might be Latino, too.

Chris Reese, everyone.

I hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican.

I just got born with that white skin, thank God.

Staying in this country.

I've been going through a rough patch sexually, sir.

So your relationship pisses me off.

I have.

I've been going through a rough patch, sexually.

So naturally, I have to get really good at masturbating.

Yeah?

You good at masturbating?

Asian man, are you good at masturbating?

How do you masturbate?

Just two chopsticks on the shaft, up and down?

No, I'm really good.

I got a really good method for masturbating.

I go on my phone and I text all my contacts.

I'm going to kill myself, shove it up my ass, and ignore the calls while I jerk off.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

My mom's frantically calling, and I'm ignoring her.

There you go.

Okay, Chris Reese.

Honestly,

after seeing that, I'm really surprised people are trying to stop you from killing yourself.

Yeah.

The crowd work on the Asian man and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass.

Welcome back, Chris.

It's been a while.

Yes, sir.

Hell yeah.

How are you?

How long have you been doing stand-up now?

Eight years.

Eight years.

And what do you do for work again?

I've been recently, I've been, I built circuit boards.

Okay.

Yeah this guy's my manager.

Right.

That guy's not even Asian.

Yeah.

You're not Asian?

I'm happy.

Yeah, okay then.

I'm right.

Not good enough.

Yeah.

Not good enough.

I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to Asian is all fuck all.

You're not registering his 50%.

He's used to fucking.

I like full, dude.

I build circuit boards.

Okay.

What do you do for fun?

What do I do for fun?

Mainly, I just watch a lot of horror movies when I'm not doing stand-up.

I do coloring books.

Oh, wow.

Horror movies and coloring books.

Amazing.

Like spaghetti and meatballs.

They go together.

So, favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie?

Favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie?

Yeah.

Favorite horror movie, The Thang?

The original?

The 80s one.

Yeah, that's the original.

No.

Yeah.

That was one from the 50s.

Whoa.

Oh, shit.

Whoa.

Excellent.

Okay.

Don't come at me with that shit.

Wow.

No, I love it.

It's crazy.

I love it.

A coloring book?

It's a horror.

It's called like dark arts, like really detailed stuff, like horror stuff.

Okay.

The original one.

Wow.

I just, on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with, thank you for not shooting the place.

Yep.

With insulin, am I right?

Chris, how is your health?

When's the last time you've seen a doctor?

Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12.

Wow, amazing.

So I'm assuming it's fine.

This rough patch that you're in dating-wise,

what exactly do you mean?

How is it in real life?

Is it true?

Dating, like, serious relationships, yes, I don't do that.

But when it comes to, like, fucking women that look like me, yeah, I'm crushing it.

Has there been, yeah, has there been a guy?

Has there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you?

A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off?

No, he's not there.

Have you used that joke on stage?

Fucking women look like me?

Yeah, like once.

Keep that in.

Thank you.

That's a very good joke.

Thank you.

With that hair and that face and those tits, it'll work every time.

Oh, yeah.

It's amazing.

Chris, what's the most type of exercise type of thing that you do?

The stairway up counts as an answer.

The most exercise I do?

Yeah, like

I walk to 7-Eleven.

What do you get from 7-Eleven after you put in the hard work of walking there?

Taquitos.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I walk them off going back home.

Taquitos?

No, no, you don't.

No.

No, you do not.

You're right.

I'm lying.

I take the Uber back.

Amazing.

Can I cut your hair off?

No.

No, no.

It's kind of my thing now.

You want to give me a haircut during the show?

Yeah, I cut some other guy's fucking hair off.

Oh, really?

You want to donate your shit to sick kids, or are you going to be a bad guy?

Do I want to donate my hair to sick kids?

Of course not.

Yeah, okay.

I'm going to know which ones to stay away from.

He is a sick kid.

He needs it.

He's going to end up getting the Puerto Ricans back on his hair.

We should take it up again and circumcise him.

Let's do it.

You want your little tequitiveness?

I didn't understand his accent.

I don't have an accent.

This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly.

Chris.

Here he goes.

You have any special skills or talents or anything like that other than stand-up comedy?

You good at anything?

I'm a real fuck.

I'm really good at coloring books.

Wow.

I think we all are, except for D-Madness.

No.

Do they have like braille coloring, but I guess it would be stupid, right?

Because you're like, which one's fucking red?

I'm right.

Okay, thank you.

My oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing like the twist in movies.

Ah.

Yeah.

So just really useless shit.

Right.

What's a movie that really surprised you?

What do you think the best twist in movie history is?

Best twist in movie history?

Yeah.

You seem like a big fan of the oomba loompas being good guys or something.

Oh, were they good guys?

There's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist.

None of you guys know it, but

it's a really good twist.

Watch it.

Yeah, it's kind of like the original thing from the 50s.

You're right.

Yeah.

Cool.

All right.

What joke book did you get last time you were on Chris?

The big one.

Well, there you go.

Did you fill it up yet?

There you go.

Keep working, Chris.

Keep working.

ABC Wednesdays, Shifting Gears is back.

He has arisen.

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.

What what?

With a star-studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis, and Hey Buddy!

A big home improvement reunion.

Welcome.

Oh, boy.

That guy's a tool.

Shifting Gears, new Wednesdays, 8-7 Central on ABC, and stream on Hulu.

The family that vacations together stays together.

At least, that was the plan.

Except now, the dastardly desk clerk is saying he can't confirm your connecting rooms.

Wait, what?

That's right, ma'am.

You have rooms 201 and 709.

No, we cannot be five floors away from our kids.

The doors have double locks, they'll be fine.

When you want connecting rooms confirmed before you arrive, it matters where you stay.

Welcome to Hilton.

I see your connecting rooms are already confirmed.

Hilton.

For this day.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those special moments that you're never gonna forget for as long as you live.

Because you were at Kiltoni, and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pulls all night and the neurotic Jew Jack Shaw.

But everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of Europe, the Estonian assassin.

This

is our

So, I just found out

that in chess,

you know chess

in chess, they have a separate league for women.

Why?

In basketball, it makes sense.

I'm gonna jump over you.

In boxing, I get it.

I can just fucking

but in chess too, huh?

So you're telling me it's official,

you guys are stupid, too, huh?

Don't worry, honey cheeks.

I looked into it.

It has nothing to do with intelligence, just that the rules are a bit different.

No difficult buttons, no bishops, no knights.

As a matter of fact, women, close your ears for a second.

Guys,

they're just playing checkers.

You know in the late 90s, Gary Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all time, lost to a computer.

Big development in civilization history.

With women, it happened in 1973.

You guys lost to a microwave.

That's my time.

Thank you so much.

Sorry, Maddie.

Showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pull and a golden ticket winner.

An absolute fucking

that's so that's hilarious.

The last one was kind of stupid.

I don't know why I said that.

That's so funny.

I've stopped at the checkers part.

I think you had something there.

I would go to trends next.

Oh, I would go to trans women in sports.

I think you could be a chess champion.

You're a wig away.

Yes, you're a genius.

A wig away.

A wig away.

A wig away.

A wig.

A wig away.

All right.

He's got it.

Zach Brown's already.

I love it.

So, Ari, that was an amazing, amazing fucking amazing minute, 12 seconds.

What else is going on in life?

It's good to see you back.

You've been gone for a while.

We have missed you tremendously.

Yeah, thank you so much.

I mean, I did some gigs.

It was amazing.

I did some, I did Philadelphia, Portland.

I did Vancouver with you.

I did Irvine Improv.

Amazing.

So much fun.

People are actually coming out.

It's great.

Always one step ahead of ice.

Always one step ahead of ice.

Don't bring it up, Jimmy.

What are your favorite cities that you've been to?

What do you love about that?

No, Portland was awesome, yeah.

I love their homeless, you know.

Yeah.

They have like the cool like, because here it's like they're on crack or some shit.

You know, we got.

Yeah.

Yeah, ours are.

In Portland, they got this guy.

You know, this guy?

Zombie.

Just so peaceful, dude.

They still got fentanyl.

It's like an interactive walking dead experience.

But they're so peaceful.

I put like an ashtray on one of them.

Yeah.

They took the jobs of mimes.

That's why you don't see mimes anymore.

These motherfuckers are still.

I love it.

I love it.

And how about Philly?

What was Philly like for you?

Philadelphia.

Yeah, there are animals there.

It's great, yeah.

Half of the room got thrown out during the show because they just keep fucking boozing and cruising.

Yep.

They are party people there.

It was awesome, yeah.

Yeah.

A woman tried to fight me after the show.

It was great.

Ooh, what was she mad about?

The checkout.

I didn't even get it.

I hit her before I could find out.

I'm an old school guy.

Smack!

You are the man, Ari, Maddie.

You are the man.

You know, in Estonia, if you hit your wife, the cops show up and they go, well,

what did you do?

And how was Los Angeles?

You were in L.A.

last week for a long week.

Dude, I was on the road in California with Martin Phillips, too.

Shit, we got hit by an earthquake, dude.

Wow.

I love the road stories of you and

Phillips.

Never been in an earthquake.

I'm freaking the fuck out.

I look over at Martin Phillips.

He's standing perfectly still.

He's synced up.

Turns out the

Martin isn't too shaky.

The world is too still.

The great Ari Matt.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

And he does the driving when you guys are on the road.

Yeah, I don't have a driver's license.

It's crazy.

When we get pulled over, we have David Jolly sleeping in the back, me on the passenger seat, Martin's Philly.

Martin is driving, dude.

When the cops pull us over, they don't know what the fuck is going on.

They just keep letting us going.

But Martin is the best to drive with because he can park.

It's fucking clunk, clunk, anywhere.

We don't give a fuck.

I love when he's looking for a parking spot.

spot.

I'm like, Martin, look at you.

Go in the mall.

No one's going to say shit, Martin.

Yeah.

I was going to.

I was looking for a spot.

Holy shit.

You know the impression's great because deep madness just started freaking out when you did that.

That was fucking amazing.

He's the master judge at vocal impressions.

You fucking Zad, you got my ass.

Sounds like that motherfucker.

Beetley Doop, doop, doop.

Wow, and you got to go to the old motherland, the old homeland of ours, the comedy store, the place in which we all are always.

We could just roll right back in there if we wanted to at any point and just take it back over.

But we like it here in Austin, just a reminder.

And then here,

you are thriving.

What was the comedy store like for you?

Going.

Oh, yeah, it's so crazy, dude.

It's such a historic place.

Yeah, and everyone's so nice there.

Yeah, you did a lot of shows.

Yeah.

You got passed immediately, right?

I don't think I'm passed now, but I do get on stage there, and I'm grateful for that, too.

They just let you do spots everywhere.

Yeah.

They just haven't called it official yet.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, to be on that wall, that's a dream, but I'll get to it when I get to it.

Absolutely.

No doubt about it.

A lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall.

And then fucking, whew, Cam Patterson on SNL.

Hell, that's crazy.

Holy fuck.

What's happening?

Although,

so,

you know, he's not allowed to say the N-word, right?

Like, they're going to beep the N-word.

He's going to sound like a truck packing up.

You know what I'm saying?

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

Cam's going to be on fucking weekend update, and it's just going to fucking...

It's just gonna

74 seconds too late yeah not a second too soon by the way same soundboard for 12 and a half years he's just scanning oh god where is it again there's five pages of sound effects

23

number 23

all right uh Ari, you're fucking unbelievable.

You came in and shook the room.

Thank you, Sean.

Thank you, Kiltoni fans.

You guys are the best.

Ari,

Matty, ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin has done it yet again.

And now back to the bucket we go.

Somebody's gotta follow that.

Make some noise for your next bucket, pull, ladies and gentlemen.

It is Aaron West.

Make some noise for Aaron, everyone.

The opportunity of a lifetime to Aaron West.

Howdy, howdy.

Hey, thanks.

You know, maybe it's true what they say.

Maybe Mimas do know best.

Today my Mima said, you're going out in that jacket?

It looks like a giant hairless ball sack.

Speaking of ball sacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often?

Now folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, take a tour of Italy.

Wow.

Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas?

Now, folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say things like, when you're here,

right here, your family.

Hey Olive Garden, how the fuck are you going to have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls?

Your Honor, yes, I might have dropped a cannoli in the urinal.

Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour.

You guys, you guys like Chewy's text mix?

Well, guess what?

They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm going to need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit.

Mimigo, como se dise, incest waiter.

Alright.

Aaron West pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants jokes.

Hell yeah, Aaron.

You've been on this show before, right?

I have.

Welcome back.

Over at the Vulcan.

Yeah, welcome back, Aaron.

Remind us all how long you've been doing stand-up.

Yeah, you can take the jacket off.

You already did the ball sack, Jimmy.

Make yourself a house.

Hot out there.

Totally, totally worth it.

I wore it all day waiting for that.

Yeah, not worth it.

Sitting outside.

Keep going.

No, I've been doing comedy.

I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years.

Wow.

Quite the work ethic.

Yeah.

Take a lot of time off.

Yeah.

This is, yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Jimmy.

I kind of, I thought,

terrible material.

Yes.

Yeah.

Fucking incredible performance.

Yeah.

Like your confidence, your thing, like, I don't know what you're good at, but there's something there, and it's very special.

I could something very special.

I couldn't agree more.

I mean, it is unbelievable.

You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say.

You're saying it in a kind of funny way.

But again, the writing, absolutely unbelievable.

Howdy, Mima, Olive Garden, tour of Italy, shitting in a urinal, and whatever the chewies thing was at the end with no transition or segue.

You guys end up chewies.

Tex-Mex?

Huh?

Anyone?

Out of nowhere.

But, like, again, do you try to write?

Because, like, Olive Garden, Tour of Italy, it's kind of right.

It's a thing.

Yeah, I don't know.

I guess I just write what I know and I value a whole lot of Olive Garden.

That's the funniest shit you said about Olive Garden.

That's fucking.

That's very funny.

Yeah.

I think you're a comedic actor.

I think you've got a face, you've got a look.

Just when you walked out, I felt like, okay, this guy knows what he's doing.

I think you're very funny.

Thanks.

But I think it's like someone else is writing.

I think you could bring it to life.

I think you really got something.

And maybe, maybe it's not stand-up, maybe it's sketch, maybe it's something else.

But there's something very special about you.

I really enjoyed it.

Thanks.

Yeah.

You're great.

And I did bring it up last time.

I don't know if it, but yeah.

No, and I'm four and a half years sober.

So like doing comedy sober, this is my, this is my third time ever doing it sober.

So it is like really shaky.

I was back there like holding a water.

But as opposed to the other, don't to be overly serious about, but you seem so confident walking out.

You seem like just you kind of own the stage.

You've got great presence.

But it's that thing of like, some people, maybe you need to work with some writers.

Maybe you need to work with some other people.

Cool.

There's such a great community around Austin.

There's such fucking funny people around here.

Team up with someone, write with someone.

That's a great idea.

No doubt about it.

Definitely whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote tonight.

Okay.

What made you have to get sober four years ago?

What was your problem?

Cocaine and alcohol.

Okay.

And is that a good man?

He's done it.

You and me.

Both the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol.

Tell us what bottom was like for you.

Well,

yeah, I showed up.

Well, no.

Okay.

I called out of work and I wake up at 5 p.m.

And I call my work.

I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'd worked there for years.

I'd never had any issue with attendance.

And my boss goes, yeah, numb nuts.

Uh, you already came in today, and uh,

had you clocked in, we would have fucking fired you.

But uh, you were on the line trying to cook something, and so we just told you to get lost.

Um, yeah, I mean, I was a waiter, like, there's no fucking reason I should have been on the line in the first place.

Like, back there, like, wow,

wow, your worker does look good at the Olive Garden.

No,

I'm just a big fan.

One day I'll work my way up if they'll have me.

Oh, wait a second.

See, you were so fucked up that you went into work.

This is a night shift.

Oh, no, no.

I'm like solely a morning restaurant worker.

So it was breakfast.

Yeah.

Okay.

Breakfast at the brewery I worked at.

And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis.

And one day you went in so fucked up.

So fucked up.

You went and just started cooking random shit.

Did they tell you what you were cooking?

Do you remember what you were cooking?

Do you remember any of it?

I don't remember any.

I mean, I literally woke up at 5.30 and was like, oh my God, I was supposed to be there at 10.30.

Jimmy Carr.

The genius of getting home, going over to phone in sick, and then you'd already been to work.

Yeah.

It's, how is that not your fucking stand-up?

That's amazing.

It's so true.

People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually know.

The honesty shines through.

You can feel it.

So what time of the day did you call in for that shift that they already basically told you to go home?

Like 5.30.

P.M.

Yeah.

Wow.

Seven hours into my shift.

Yeah.

Fucking cruising.

Amazing.

Did you call your drug dealer afterwards and go, that was excellent stuff?

Yeah.

Is there any feedback that you give them and go, look, honestly, that's some of the best.

No, no.

Well, I kept partying for a few years, and

I didn't lose that job.

I mean, I've actually never been fired from a job.

I've walked out of a job.

It was actually on 6th Street here.

It's kind of...

Yeah, tell us about that.

You don't have to name the place if you don't want to, but just go tell mine i don't really care for them um

uh yeah it's uh okay i'll it rhymes with it doesn't move it doesn't matter what's right story it's a place that makes bread okay perfect just tell the story and um

yeah so i i just didn't enjoy working there and midshift they kept every time it would like start raining i didn't have this jacket at the time when it would start raining

um they would move me to the patio and when it was nice weather they would move me inside and they kept like doing this shit to me so i wasn't making any money and this is a a place where you did side work until it was like done, but we didn't close till 2 a.m.

And as restaurants work, like, hey, more silverwork comes out, more silverwork comes out.

And so you're like doing all the sidewalk, doing all the shit.

And so midshift, the manager was like, hey, we're going to change your section.

I said, yeah, I know.

I quit.

And she was like, what is that?

I go, my section's going to change because I quit.

Like, I'm done.

And yeah, that was it.

I just, I left midshift.

And I've never done that anywhere.

Like, I didn't feel great about it, but I was like fresh out of rehab and

didn't want to be fucked around with.

Stand your ground.

Good on you.

I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story.

So, I mean,

I think I actually just hit bottom right now, listening to you talk about finishing your side work.

I was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of.

I thought it was going to be a big, cokey, alcohol-infused ending, but just, no, you just, we're done that day.

Mima.

I think what Tony's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it.

Yeah.

Read the room.

You have a girlfriend, Erin?

I do.

Okay.

What does she do?

She works at a homeopathic doctor's office.

Adorable.

Yeah, that's awesome.

You have any special moves in the bedroom?

Well, I don't get drunk anymore, so my dick works.

Wow.

You a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy?

Mid-afternoon.

Whoa, okay.

Post-lunch.

Hi, rockets in flight.

Cup of coffee and then at lunch or whatever.

Well, because I get up at 6:30.

I I still do the breakfast restaurant thing.

So, like, I'm already ready to go.

And then I have to wait all day at work talking to these knuckleheads, and then I can have sex.

Wow.

My section changed.

Okay.

All right.

What size chokebook did you get last time?

I got a large.

Okay.

Well, you go, go, go, fill it up.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron West.

All right.

Thanks.

No one should have to choose between their own safety and their pets.

But nearly half of domestic abuse survivors delay leaving because they can't bring their pets with them.

Purina is helping to create more pet-friendly domestic violence shelters through the Purple Leash project, so survivors and their pets can escape and heal together.

Visit purina.com/slash purple to learn more.

This episode is brought to you by Nature's Bounty.

Nature's Bounty believes your body is brilliant, naturally designed to thrive inside and out.

For those always looking for new ways to support your health from head to heels, Nature's Bounty has a range of over 400 vitamins and supplements born from 50 years of trust and care.

Nature's Bounty, it's in your nature.

Visit naturesbounty.com to learn more.

On to the next one, as the great Jay-Z once said.

Make some noise for Mason Bird.

Here we go.

No rest for the wicked.

It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Mason Bird.

I got in a live scooter the other day and I drove like two or three feet and the bike stopped.

So I checked the app and it was like, hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please.

Has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual?

I know the exact moment I needed to stop riding the bike.

I drove by a black woman.

She was like, oh hell no.

I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time.

And when I was there, this Korea couple walked up to me.

They're like, hey, can you take a photo of us?

And I was like, sure.

And I thought they want to take a photo like them and the Mona Lisa.

But they want to take a photo with me.

They're like, this guy's so fat, white, and American.

We have to show our friends back at home, dude.

I look like World War III propaganda.

There's photos of me in North Korea.

This is democracy.

This is freedom.

This is McDonald's.

Wow.

An amazing set

from Mason Bird.

Holy shit, that was incredible.

Thank you, thank you.

And you've been on this show before, right?

Yes, sir.

Amazing.

This had to be your best set ever.

Thank you.

You're working hard, right?

Yes, sir.

Working hard.

Absolutely.

Remind us, how long you've been on stand-up?

Three years.

Three years.

How do you make money?

I work at Jersey Mike's.

Oh, yeah.

There it is.

Making it Mike's way.

There it is.

I'm Big Mike.

I love it.

I love it.

What else you've been doing in life?

What's different?

What's changed?

I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna.

Wow.

What are you doing at the the gym?

Lifting weights and making attractive women uncomfortable.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

What are you doing to make them uncomfortable?

Just existing?

Yeah.

The vibe.

And what kind of workouts are you doing?

What are you doing with these weights exactly?

I like to bench.

I like to squat.

I like to deadlift.

I like to

get all the anger out.

Amazing.

Yes.

I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're doing in the gym, you're doing it wrong.

Yes.

He's doing breadlifting.

What's your favorite machine in the gym?

Is it vending?

The Gatorades.

I like the blue Gatorades.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

My goodness.

So what type of protein package are you using before going to the gym or after?

I'll eat like a half a roast rotisserie chicken.

Don't eat like a...

Eat the other half after.

It's like a reward.

Have you talked to a doctor about this?

Me and doctors don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.

Amazing, Mason.

You're killing it.

You're doing it, Mason.

Have you done that line on stage?

No.

Write it down.

That's a fucking great line, Mason.

Tell us more about the bird family.

You're not built like a bird.

No.

Dad died, cirrhosa of the liver, drank himself to death, real sad.

But, you know, a bit, he was kind of a dick, so

mom,

still alive.

She was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she cleaned up.

What kind of drugs was she addicted to?

Pills, like, yeah.

Worked at Ford Motor Company.

I happened to saw all of them, you know?

Do you think that this family with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you?

Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all, possibly whatsoever?

Is there anything you could think of that you might be addicted to, a way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something?

calories uh yeah we're addicted to calories uh no it's yeah it's it's probably this or alcoholism so you drink too no i'm afraid to become like my father

there you go yeah absolutely yeah you don't want to die young uh well

we'll see i gotta beat 50 and the odds are close enough hell yeah have you thought about uh the new modern um weight loss drugs or anything have you thought about those yeah i think that's cheating

Like, if you have to take Ozempic to lose weight, you're a bitch.

I think

that's because if you just do it, you'll do it.

You hear that, you Ozempic people?

If you had any balls, you'd eat a half a rotisserie chicken every day.

You fucking pussies.

You think it's easy, you cheaters.

Go get a rotisserie chicken.

You fucking loser.

Back in my day, we didn't have Ozempic.

You wanted to lose weight, you had to get AIDS.

Have you considered going to a gay bum?

Because something needs to change.

They're all in prep now.

It's kind of hard to get AIDS from them, you know.

I tried.

It's just...

Are you gay, Mason?

Nope.

Oh, okay.

Shut up.

Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head and shit.

Someone

was so upset that you weren't gay.

Son of a bitch.

I for sure thought he was gay, dude.

A guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle.

I'm all like, oh.

Mason,

so what's your love life like exactly?

What's going on over there?

What are you picking them up at Jersey Mike's?

No way.

All right.

I used to do surprisingly well, but

the love life in Austin has been pretty rough.

I kill in the Midwest, though, for like...

Hell yeah.

In the Midwest, I'm hot.

Yeah.

Here, I'm just some fat guy.

Yeah.

In the Midwest, you're a medium.

Yeah.

So tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had.

How does it go down for Mason Bird?

Tell us how the bird flies.

It's a flightless bird.

It's a flightless bird.

It's a flightless bird.

The last time I had sex,

I was like a chef at a bar and I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason.

And just after work, she just like, she had a boyfriend and she just threw herself at me.

And I found out I wasn't a good dude that night.

I will cheat.

I will help your girlfriend cheat on you.

I found that out about myself.

But no, she was really fun.

Did you go on top or is she still alive?

She's dead.

Yeah, our safe word is.

Wow.

Masonberg.

Three years with stand-up.

How much time do you think you've accumulated?

About 20 minutes.

About 20 minutes.

Yeah.

And how fast are you writing?

I mean, are you doing

yourself, your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff, I can tell.

Yeah, I try to write like five minutes a week, and sometimes it's really ass, so I just get rid of it or try to make it better.

But 20 minutes of good material.

Yeah.

Amazing, Mason.

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible.

You do that at a desk.

Where do you find yourself writing?

What's your process?

Desk.

desk and i'm usually just like eating chips and thinking uh

desk uh i have a recliner i like lean back and stare at the ceiling um sturdy recliner uh

i guess yeah it's kind of this turn everything off and figure it out amazing mason yeah i love your style thank you you're incredible i would love to have you on the secret show mason bird is going to be on the secret show

how many times have you been on this show three three times yeah and you're constantly getting better.

It's absolutely incredible.

It's amazing, Mason.

I really love your style, and I think I want to see more of you.

So I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here.

Everyone's getting famous and blowing up.

You, my friend.

You, my friend, have done it.

That's it, right there.

A golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody.

Bing bong.

We'll see your next minute soon, Mason.

Congratulations.

Wow.

How fun.

Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody.

I mean, what can I say about this guy?

Kill Tony Hall of Famer,

who

you know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get to see a ton of him.

One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show here for a surprise poppin.

Kill Tony legend, David Lucas.

Ladies and gentlemen,

yeah.

I do a lot of white shit.

I hunt, I fish, I swim.

I change the batteries in my smoke detector.

It's so weird to to me that black people never hear those fucking smoke detectors.

It's like it's fucking soothing to them.

You know what I'm saying?

I went to one of my friend's house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping.

I'm like, nigga, you don't hear that shit?

He's like, yeah, that mean is working.

I'm like, what?

I'm like, no, the fuck is not.

No, but black people, we don't hear that shit.

We don't change our fucking smoke detectors, bro.

You ever heard the saying, if you want to hide something from a nigga, put it in a book?

I didn't make it, I just repeated it.

I don't think that's true.

I think if you want to hide something from a nigga, you should put in a smoke detector

because we never check that shit.

The fucking cure for diabetes is in the fucking smoke detector.

All right, that's about time to take it off.

Fuck yeah.

Exactly one minute.

Hilarious.

Bro, that shit crazy as hell.

Jimmy Carr looked like the ghost of Tony Hitchcliffe.

nigga that's you two weeks decomposed bitch

that motherfucker look like little hobo nigga

I'm trying to see who got the remote to this nigga face I'm just

this motherfucker look like elder Matt Rife

all right go ahead Jimmy your goosebumps looking ass oh shit

Sorry, they need tea and crumpets.

I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me canceled.

Jimmy said, I'm not one of those kind of black people.

I'm the good guy.

Well, you can still say, yeah, you can say it.

Fuck it.

I'll take it.

Fucking funny.

Thank you, buddy.

You look like you read Dr.

Seuss to Niggas in Prison.

What?

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

David Lucas.

I got mine.

I don't know what that nigga look like, bro.

That nigga look like he hosts American Idol in Ireland.

I think he did.

I think he actually did.

Jimmy hosts like everything on the other side of the planet.

Yeah, he hosts like every show in England.

You put on a TV in England, it's just what show is Jimmy Carr hosting?

That nigga need a bag of blood.

That motherfucker pale as hell, bro.

You need some of that color from Tony, bitch.

Yo, ass.

Yo, ass.

You're a remarkably confident man for a guy that shape.

What are you working on, type three diabetes?

There we go.

There we go.

I couldn't wait for your tight-mouthed ass to say something.

Every time a nigga talk, I want to shoot a water gun to his mouth.

What are you working on?

Type three, diabetes.

What do you mean?

Not the smoke detector.

By the way, he did it three times before.

You never heard it.

It's red band.

Hilarious.

I'm a little black.

I'm becoming white a little bit, bro.

Once you see me dressing like fucking Timu Pee Wee Herman, nigga.

Oh my God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, we got to shut this down now.

You're criticizing what someone's wearing.

Yeah.

The fuck are you talking about goodwill?

Jimmy, I'm sorry.

You dress like you about to go fight a parking ticket, nigga.

Yo, ass.

David Lucas.

I heard I was parked illegally, but I want to see the queen.

David Lucas is out of control right now.

David wore his comfy pants for this.

This nigga's so confused because they don't got niggas like that over there.

I'm driven.

I don't park.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I'm trying to be don't insult me talk me through the hair talk me through what's going on there it's a it's a lot so in in black america these are called dreadlocks

those are thick you got on that queen diana wig

queen diana

master of english history was that bitch name

remember now what her name was trying to remember what that bitch name was the one who died in the car crash

Oh, Princess Diana.

That's her name.

Princess Diana.

I said queen.

You probably got confused because all them bitches look like because y'all inbred.

It looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread, David.

Going ham tonight, finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotisserie chicken.

That's crazy.

I had to follow the white version of me, nigga.

That shit crazy.

Me and this nigga can swap clothes and be the same person.

Yeah.

We do.

We went from bird to pig real quick.

Amazing.

You look like Steve Urkel in White Face.

All right.

What is going on?

Were you molested by a British man before this?

What happened to you?

No, Jimmy Carr's my homie, bro.

Jimmy Carr.

Not yet.

Hey, they gave me that Netflix deal, nigga.

I bend over like Tony Hinchcliffe.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

You ain't bending over for shit.

This is a guy that ties his shoes, fucking sitting up with his leg propped up over his other leg.

The Illuminati didn't have to convince you to fuck you.

You was like, yes.

I don't even know what you just said.

It's okay.

It's okay.

David, you are on fire right now.

Absolutely incredible.

Yes.

How's life going?

You good?

Man, you know, life has been amazing, bro.

I was on the road with you this weekend, bro.

We murdered sold out shows.

Yep.

And fucking Raleigh and Fort Lauderdale, bro.

Tony about to shoot his new hour.

That shit is fantastic.

I can't wait for y'all to see it.

Yep.

It's been really amazing, dog, and I love it so much.

Absolutely.

And also, Andrew Santino had an amazing special on Hula, bro.

That's right.

It's right now.

White noise.

I love you.

I'll just go fuck myself, shall I?

I guess I'll just go fuck myself.

This nigga got he got a new 10 can of cookies coming out.

Sometimes you just gotta let him cook.

Let him cook.

Let him eat.

David Lucas.

Hell yeah.

Catch me on tour, man.

You know what I'm saying?

David Lucas coming to that conference.

Hell yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ, David Lucas.

The regulars tonight showing

how different it is.

Having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week.

You just have it.

They have a different confidence.

All found out of the bucket this next person could be one I mean anything can happen we've already given away a golden ticket make some noise for Donna Lee everybody Donna Lee

hey everybody how we doing good

my name is Donna Lee I have a very critical Asian mom my mom is Thai my dad is Irish so I'm Thairish

I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce, and so my mom was very critical of my life decisions.

She was very upset I was going to be be single forever.

So one day I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston and my mom called and she said, Donna,

Donna, how come you're alone?

You're so badly alone.

I worry for you.

And I said, why am I alone?

Let's unpack that together.

I said, I'm alone because you and dad proved the inability to show me love and affection as a child, and you never uttered the words, I love you.

And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance.

I can't create lasting connections.

And I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly and will always be looking for something that I cannot find, mom.

That's why I'm alone

damn

I just asked why you go to Houston alone

thank you that's my minute thank you

boom exactly a minute from Donna Lee you've been on this show once before correct I was a few months ago and I have a lot to talk about remind us how long you've been on stand-up I started doing stand-up in 2006 and I had my big comeback I took five years of stand-up and perfected my hosting abilities.

I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job.

I just came back to comedy May 2024 and I'm so happy to be here right now.

This is my dream.

This is my dream.

Wow.

Rock solid answer.

Thank you.

Donna, how,

so you have one kid that's 13?

23.

Oh, okay.

12 years off.

Yeah, I took 12 years off because I felt guilty and I wanted to raise my son and my stepsons.

And I got a new husband and all this stuff.

But I put them first, but now it's my turn to be first.

So here I am.

This is my dream.

Wow.

This is my comeback story.

So, and I was on Secret Show last time and I had so much fun.

So thank you.

She brought cupcakes for everybody.

Oh, my God.

That's how you get booked again by Redband.

On the spot.

Yeah.

Cupcakes.

I'm a mom.

You want to be a regular here at the Secret Show?

Curry name on the fridge.

Wow.

It was so pretty.

When I was here last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer that you implied.

There you go.

Absolutely.

And I went down the rabbit hole the next day and I wish I hadn't.

So

now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer thanks to Tony Henchcliffe.

That's right.

And a lot of 25-year-old boys reached out to me after that episode.

I bet.

I bet they did.

They did.

Absolutely.

So

now you're with the guy, though.

Yes, I'm married.

Yes.

Right.

Yes.

He's awesome.

Is he a big supporter of your comedy?

Yes, he is.

He's very supportive.

What does he do?

He's a custom home builder here in Austin.

Okay.

He's doing good for himself.

Yeah.

You guys live in West Lake or something like that?

Bay Cave, close.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

He builds in West Lake, so that was good.

You're living that life.

You have a Mercedes SUV?

A sedan.

I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive.

It's an unbelievable talent that I have.

What type of Asian is your mom?

She's Thai.

Okay.

Yep.

Jimmy Carr.

And your father's Irish?

Irish.

Tall, Irish.

Tall, Irish, and she's Thai.

She's tiny Thai.

Oh.

From Thailand, yes.

Right.

And how did your father get into sex tourism?

The Air Force.

The Air Force?

Yes.

Traditional.

Yes.

I'm a product of this country, correct?

No, I was born in Thailand and we got here as fast as we could.

Amazing.

Amazing.

I'll Irish Air Force.

Is that even a thing?

No, it's the American Air Force.

He was a citizen here.

I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube.

Thanks to.

Is that okay?

Can you do it in your mom's accent?

Yeah, I can.

Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

Exactly.

Great idea.

Well, because that stuff takes me home.

It's kind of my thing.

Yeah.

So I did a lot of posts on my page at DonnellyComedy.com.

And I was on Kill Tony episode 722.

And I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments and the videos.

As your Asian mom.

As my Asian mom, the first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said,

Oh, Caitlin Jenna, she looks feminine now.

And another one about Caitlin Jenner said, Oh, Caitlin Jenna, I don't know she do stand-up comedy.

So

I think it's more funny in American, in English.

Hell yeah.

I was also called the Timu Lisa Ann.

Didn't know who that was.

Had to go down that rabbit hole.

She's a retired porn star for those of you who don't know.

That's where I know you from.

Yeah.

Yes.

That's right.

So do you make money in any way ever?

Oh my god.

Red ban.

Red band.

Why would you do that?

That is disrespectful.

That is not nice.

Don't do that.

No, don't, don't.

No, don't do that.

Stop that, red ban.

Stop it.

No, don't.

No, I'm serious.

No, don't, don't do that.

And people say Tony can't act.

Don't do it.

Wait, who the fuck says that?

I'm a great actor.

Stop, no, don't.

Don't do it.

That's.

No, that's a whole different race.

Stop.

Okay, stop.

Serious.

All right, very good.

That doesn't make any sense.

Do you sucky, sucky?

No.

How do you keep keep this man happy this guy could uh be with anybody he has money right how do you keep your man happy we laugh a lot oh

has he met your mom

I tried getting stuck in the washer but I okay ready

fucking good safe work safe work

has he met your mom oh yeah of course okay and what does your mom do she she lives in America too she actually passed away a couple of years ago but in my act she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well so oh no was also

Now I feel repair.

It was a Yoko oh no.

Oh no.

Me not love you long time.

It's over.

What the doctor told me sake sake.

All right.

How did she pass away?

Cancer.

Wow.

Well, if at first she don't succeed, tie, tie again.

It's amazing.

There it is.

There it is.

Unbelievable.

We're here for a good time, not for a long time.

Unbelievable.

What kind of cancer was it?

This is Kiltoni.

This ain't fucking Jimmy Kimmel over here.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Okay, all right.

What kind of cancer was it?

It was liver cancer.

Liver cancer?

Wow.

Yeah.

Was she a drinker?

No.

Did she sake sake?

She did not.

You're getting your Asians confused.

That's Japanese.

That sake sake joke did not get the love that it deserved after two Saki Saki references.

Sake Saki for liver cancer.

We love a good liver cancer joke.

I did want the opportunity to thank you, though.

My life changed after I was on the first time.

Yes, well, it's going to change again.

Thank you.

It's going to change again.

You're a funny lady, Donna Lee.

It's cool to see someone that chasing their dreams.

It's a

they say this is a young person's game, but I love all different shapes and sizes of people.

And for you to come back and do what you love because you love to do it, you love the feeling that you get from it.

It's fucking awesome.

You deserve it.

Congratulations.

You got a big joke book last time?

I did.

Yes.

Congratulations.

You know what?

I have an eight-minute spot on the secret show if you want to.

Welcome.

Somebody wants more

cupcakes.

Red band wants more cupcakes.

Red band wants more cupcakes.

Everybody, red band wants more cupcakes.

Red band wants more cupcakes.

Make some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back here.

One of the best fucking musicians in the world.

Go to the sphere.

I know I am.

You might run into us there.

December or January.

We're going to be there.

All right.

Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name.

This looks like a new name.

I like it.

Make some noise for Ronnie Roarback.

Ronnie Roarback.

Oh, shit.

Here we go.

Make some noise.

Your final bucket pull tonight, Ronnie Roarback.

Guys, I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship.

I've lived here for 26 years.

I was adopted by white people.

I have a disability.

My dad got me off a fucking tax write-off.

No, honestly, like, he was an asshole because growing up, he never taught me Spanish.

So that any so any time I would act out, he would be like, Here, he'd always threaten to send me back to the homeland.

And, like, he goes, Here they call you Ronnie.

Back at home, they would call you Jaguar Bait.

and he would always use past tense so I knew he was serious and the worst part about it is growing up like I never thought my dad was an asshole like I never thought my dad was an alcoholic but I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at the age of four he would make me make his cocktails for him and he would put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise

Thank you guys.

All right, Ronnie Rohrbach.

Welcome to the show, Ronnie.

Thank you.

You, my friend, I call, I've called a lot of people adorable.

I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you.

Thank you.

What a cutie pie you are.

What's wrong with your hand, Lil, buddy?

I have cerebral palsy in my left arm.

You are, you have, let me tell you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen.

You should see what our cerebral palsy people fucking like.

You're like, haha, I just gotta get a little here.

Hey, everybody.

I know.

Cutie, what a cutie pie.

That's mint condition.

This Cerebral palsy's fucking sweet.

I mean

this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place.

This kid's fucking unbelievable.

Look at his fucking little fucking...

If you study the hand,

he's giving involuntary finger.

Oh, yeah.

About once a minute, there's an involuntary...

Oh, yeah.

Look at that fucking middle finger.

That's a true fuck you in cursive.

This guy says fuck you in cursive.

It's a squiggly fucking little middle finger.

I can't imagine what that would feel like in my asshole.

Night is young.

Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you off of my bad hand, you know I mean it.

Oh, hell yeah.

Fuck you.

Soldier boy in this motherfucker.

Ronnie, how old are you?

I'm 27.

You are something else.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About five years now.

Five years now.

Amazing.

All of it here in Austin?

No, I just moved down here about six months ago.

I started in Detroit.

Okay.

That's where you're originally from, born and raised?

No, I was born in Guatemala, and then my parents adopted me and took me to Detroit.

Oh my God, you're adopted?

Yep.

Holy shit.

Look at you.

You were adopted by a little white family?

Yep.

Oh, my goodness, that's how you ended up like this.

Yep.

Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything.

You're what?

Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything.

Oh, yeah.

No, Guatemalans love NASCAR shirts.

It's incredible.

Amazing.

So you're a NASCAR fan?

Oh, yeah.

What else are you into, Ronnie?

Tell us more about you.

For me,

I'm really into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

What else?

I grew up playing football, which was like a big expectation for my own doing.

Uh-huh.

A lot of fumbles.

They never let me touch the ball.

Oh, perfect.

You're a kicker.

The only time I would get out is like when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered.

Right.

Right.

You're not considered being a mascot.

Too short.

Too short to be a mascot?

Yeah, you got to be like 5'40 to be a mascot.

Oh, my God.

You got to be 5'4.

Yeah, I lifted up, dude.

Clearly, he wanted this.

Yeah, somehow this is sadder than the other lady's mom's cancer diagnosis is finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream as a mascot.

oh my god ronnie what else i want to interview you forever

uh another thing about me is that um

it's the cutest guy of all time there's more things tell us yes tell us everything ronnie I came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition.

Oh

my god.

Oh

my god.

Some of you might not not know what goes on in Detroit exactly.

Well, prettiest butthole competitions are a thing.

Would you like to reprise?

Yeah.

Wait, no, no, no, no.

Let's not.

Let's not.

Let's not.

The problem is, like, for me, like, I would need someone else to hold my other cheek because you can only get half the vision.

Andrew Santino.

And no, we can't pull out his butthole.

It's a, it's a...

I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration that...

Jimmy, pass me the knife.

We're going to cut it out and then display it on a

rhyme.

I would do it, dude.

You know I was going to fucking do it.

Oh, I believe you.

Yeah, I like you.

Where was this?

Yeah.

Where was this competition held?

It was in Lansing, Michigan.

Oh, yeah.

Well, what did number one and two look like?

How did they beat you?

So, number two, like, I don't know if anyone ever seen, like, but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass.

Oh, my God.

And, like, he farted at one point and, like, it shot out.

Wow.

It was amazing, all right?

Yeah.

Here's me thinking Kill Sony is a great show.

That's a great part.

That is a great show.

I'm going to get the number two guy on.

Give him a minute next week.

Sorry, that was the number two guy.

Who won?

So this lady, she was from Oklahoma.

And like she had a flower tattooed on her ass.

Like

the center of the flower was the spincter.

Wow.

And

what was your spin?

How did you get third?

Well, because so they they had an interview section and I told everyone it was my make-a-wish.

Wow.

Wow.

Very good.

Wow.

Very good.

Oh

my God.

Unbelievable.

I literally went from eighth to third in five words.

Wow.

So the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting.

Oh, natural.

I felt very accomplished.

Absolutely.

Andrew's going to cut the hair off of it with Zach Brown's knife.

Right.

Amazing, Ronnie.

So you're 27.

What do you do for work?

How do you make money, Ronnie?

I'd do DoorDash right now.

Unbelievable.

I mean, actually, totally believable.

I mean, like, I kind of got fired for my last job.

I was a pool boy.

Or as I like to say, I was going around,

like, I was going around

fucking up every middle-aged woman's fucking what dream to see my gumpy ass walk in.

Okay.

I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special, but my gumpy ass

might well be the title.

Yep.

I'll definitely put that in the notes.

Absolutely.

So it's amazing because you're like an anomaly.

You're like so many of the people.

We had a pool guy on earlier.

We had a DoorDash guy on earlier.

This is.

We had an arsehole.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Ronnie.

So do you ever have a crazy door dash?

Do you have any moments that...

Yeah, the other day they had me door dashing tires.

Whoa.

I felt that was like racially profiled.

I'm like, I don't know how I look, but like you're going to have my cripple ass lift four heavy tires?

Amazing.

How did you do it?

I fucking had a white person help me.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

And don't you forget it, Ronnie.

Did you tell them it was your make-a-wish?

Wow.

Ronnie, you are incredible.

Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person.

Guatemalan, sorry, Guatemalan.

I apologize.

You live here now?

Yeah, I lived out here.

How long have you lived in Austin?

For about six months now.

What do you love about Austin?

Tell us what you're doing for fun out there.

I honestly, I love just like seeing people who look like me so I can know which haircuts I can and cannot go go with.

Can I be the first to say no one else looks like you?

You're a non-fungible human.

Is that haircut?

What the fuck?

Hang on.

There's another one in a hat.

It's a bunch of them over there.

They're everywhere.

What is that haircut?

Is that like Steve Corell from the office?

What are you rocking right now?

I don't know.

I had a white barber, and I've like, for like the longest time, I just walked in.

I'm like, just do it.

Just don't fuck me up.

And this is what I've been going with.

It looks great.

White people.

It looks great, Ronnie.

What's your love life like, Ronnie?

You've been with the girl?

It's really non-existent right now.

I've just been focusing on comedy lately.

I love that.

Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas?

I actually fucked a stripper.

Oh, wow.

Jesus, Ronnie.

Ronnie.

Oh, my goodness.

You've activated the lights, Ronnie.

Tell us about this stripper Jimmy Carr.

That sounds like a hell of a Tuesday morning.

Yeah,

no doubt about it.

So like what actually happened was that I was like, I applied for disability and got denied and like I got my tax write-off.

So I was like, I'm going to the strip club.

Okay, let me real quick.

How much was this tax write-off for exactly?

I think it was like $1,500.

$1,500.

Let's blow it right away.

Straight to the fucking strip club.

Let's go.

What did you wear to the strip club?

Was it that?

I was wearing a Batman shirt.

Oh, yeah, brother.

Oh, yeah.

It had the abs and everything on.

Oh, my God.

My friend, Dave.

That's right.

There isn't a dry seat in the house.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You and a Batman t-shirt, please.

Exactly.

The manager came into the champagne room and he's like, where is she?

So you're wearing a Batman shirt.

You show up to the strip club just fucking that music playing in your head.

What's that fucking song with the horns?

What are you, five foot two?

You're lucky you didn't drown in pussy.

No, no, not that one.

No,

the one that's uh the pick the

more picky.

What the fuck was that?

Pick up, pick up the pieces.

What is that?

What is that?

Pick up the pieces?

You know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Ah, forget it.

All right.

You have cool music playing in your your head that YouTube won't let us reproduce right now.

And then what goes on?

First stripper you see.

Well, yeah, not the first stripper I saw because like the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a language barrier there.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yep.

It was incredible.

Don't judge by the color of their skin, but by the language they speak.

Exactly.

That's what D-Madness lives by as well.

Go ahead.

Because Because the thing is, I can't speak Spanish, so I can't bargain.

You're damn right.

And the bargaining necessary.

So it was a white woman, and she's like, let's go to the champagne room and everything.

And I was like, oh,

get back there.

I'm like, oh, no.

I got to negotiate.

Condom or not.

And she just literally grabbed him and put it right in.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

And that's how he got cerebral palsy, everybody.

Before that, his left arm was totally fine.

He was the quarterback of the football team, a left-handed quarterback before that.

I like how you were going to negotiate condom or not condom.

You didn't want to.

You were just.

The price.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you wanted no condom.

I didn't want it, but like, I was just like, I was not going to just not negotiate, try to get a couple bucks off.

So what did you get it down to?

Let's talk about the negotiation process.

It was like, I think, $3.50.

That's pretty hard.

Raw dog, the stripper in Detroit for $350.

Oh, this was in Austin.

Whoa.

Oh, my goodness.

Bless America.

Don't ask.

Okay.

Don't ask.

Should I ask which strip club?

We all know which strip.

Which strip club was it?

It was Rick's cabinet.

Wait, it was what?

Rick's cabinet.

So north of 35.

Hold on.

There's a patch of the room losing their minds.

I think they're having an employee outing right now.

Whoa.

350 is the Ewok price.

What was that?

350 is the Ewok price.

You are a little fucking Ewok.

Look at you.

That's what it is.

I've been wondering what you remind me of.

You're the fucking, we have the Estonian assassin and the Guatemalan Ewok tonight.

This is absolutely incredible.

Zach Brown with the fucking call on the field.

I was wondering what the fuck you were.

That's what it is.

Look at you.

We shaved an Ewok and got laid.

Fucking Austin.

What a town.

It's unbelievable.

So 350.

And so you're negotiating, right?

You're sitting there and you go, you know,

I'd really like to have sex with you.

Like that, right?

Is that what you said?

Well, she was the one who initiated it, which made me kind of thrown off a little bit.

What did she say exactly?

She goes, I want to fuck you.

I need to fuck you.

I will dominate you, Batman.

Name your price for the bidding shall be mine.

And the chlamydia shall be yours.

Your abs have confused me, Batman.

350 is a deal.

What did she say?

No, she was just like, she was just, I think, like, she was just down from it from the beginning.

Because, like, whenever I'm like at the stroke club, like, I like having a real conversation.

I'm like, so what'd you do on Tuesday?

God, you're the cutest human being of all time.

So, was this the first and last time at that?

Or this is right now?

Yeah, that was the first time I've ever been there.

I haven't been back.

I should go back, but fuck.

But now, after this, I don't think they want me back.

No, I think they do.

I think you just fucking blew up their business big time.

Everybody just found out they can fuck for $350.

With a $1,500 tax return, my friend, I do believe that's about four or five fuckings.

Why are we still here?

Yeah.

Yes.

Let's all go.

We know where the after party is and we're taking the sweetie walk with us

So again, what exactly does this stripper say?

Well, so I was just like there and she goes you want to go to the champagne room.

I'm like all right, but like what are we gonna do?

Which kind of shows how like I'm innocent in a way.

I was like, what are we gonna do?

And she goes, I'll make sure you're worth your time.

I'm like, all right, let's fucking do this.

I'm always down for the game.

Okay, so then what happened?

This This guy goes, I'm innocent.

He was like, let's go raw dog.

It's like nothing innocent about you at all.

The moment your cop comes out, you're like, I'm putting this inside of you right now.

It really is.

I'm so, who, me?

I'm so innocent.

It really, really is.

I love you, man.

You are something else.

So again,

I make sure it's worth your time.

But then again, how do you get to fucking raw dogging?

Yeah.

I mean, make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with, you know, fucking underwear on for two songs.

How do you get to fucking?

Well, so she goes, we literally walk into the champagne room and she goes, go sit in that corner and take it out.

I'm like, okay.

What?

What?

I'm sorry, Yellow Rose and Red Rose have been sponsoring us for a long time.

But let me tell you, that place fucking sucks compared to this one.

Go sit in the corner and pull it out.

This is the world's greatest trip of all.

It's amazing.

What the fuck?

Risk, what's it called?

It was Rick's Cabinet.

We have it on Yelp right here.

Rick's Cabaret.

Rick's Cabaret.

Let's read some Yelp reviews.

Holy

fucking shit.

Oh, my God.

Well, you know what we're going to do?

Because it's tradition here.

We're going to start with the one-star reviews.

But I got to tell you, this is the, I'm going to go to some five-star reviews, too.

Let's actually start with the fives and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs that we're going to be in.

That's a five-star review right there.

Oh, no doubt about it.

Shit, if they want to sponsor me, I'll wear a shirt everywhere.

Hunter F from Huddo, Texas, January 26, 2024.

The women are beautiful.

The staff is attentive and personable.

Can't beat free prime rib on Fridays.

Make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and Shai.

Buy a few shots and they will give you the best recommendations on the dancers.

Tell them that Hunter sent you.

Wow.

Thank you, Hunter.

What an amazing...

Tell them I sent you from Yelp.

Strip Club five-star Yelp reviews might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show, by the way.

Tell them Hunter sent you.

Like, what a creep that guy is.

That's frightening.

Had a blast there super professional while also being fun.

Got champagne and relaxed with friends.

Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable.

Bought two bottles of whiskey wanna being way less than I thought it would be.

All right.

Yeah, let's go to the one-star reviews.

We got to get to the good shit here.

We're going to find out exactly.

Let's, let's, let's look.

Who?

Okay.

Here's an interesting thought.

All right.

Who wouldn't they fuck?

Oh my goodness.

Oh boy.

Ooh, black men.

Okay, let's read this one.

Mark C.

from Manhattan, New York.

Oh boy, the guy from Manhattan rolled into this fucking joint where this guy's just raw dogging.

I mean, just bodily fluids being exchanged on every pump in and out just liquids coming out of him the third most beautiful asshole in Lansing Michigan just fully exposed on the leather the same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays and little do they know that the third best Lansing asshole is just bouncing off of it with a fucking hand that's throwing up gang signs 24-7.

And here we go.

Mark C said I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co-workers and friends.

I have to say I was very disappointed.

We are from out of town, but come to Austin for some conferences.

The women here were not attractive and were a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic surgery, ass and back acne.

Did you notice this girl had any acne?

No, I didn't notice that.

Beautiful.

Lighting is everything, people.

Lighting is everything.

Yeah, there's not really anything about...

Oh, okay.

We are a racially diverse group, white, black, Indian, and Korean.

Other reviews on Google said they ignore black guys, and I have to say, it's true.

Oh, my God.

Two of my coworkers received no attention all night, and guess what?

They were black.

I noticed it and kind of felt bad, but it is not my establishment.

But yeah, definitely.

But yeah, definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Rick's.

Did you notice black men were being ignored there?

Honestly, I I wasn't looking at anybody.

I was on a mission.

Can you imagine being a black guy?

Sitting at a strip club.

No one's been dancing for you all night.

This fucking guy walks in.

Five minutes later, his pick is out.

And it's just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it.

Oh

my

God.

Don't eat the food.

Terrible.

Stay away from this place.

I went with my coworker on Friday.

I got a few rounds, no issues.

Man, there's no one else's fucking.

You are the only one that's ever fucked at this establishment.

Keep reading fast, Red Band.

Let's go back to this.

So I gotta know,

how long do you think you lasted?

The sex?

Shit, like maybe a minute and a half?

Minute and a half.

Good job.

Good job.

Did you leave it in or did you take it out?

There's no way.

Oh, no.

I'm disabled.

There's no way.

No way.

I'm disabled.

Do you really think I'm going to throw her off of me?

No, yeah.

Well, you can't.

Hold on a second.

Stop, everybody.

Stop.

Everybody, shut the fuck up.

You came inside of the stripper?

Not on purpose.

Oh my God.

Oh, my God.

In 18 years, there's gonna be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage.

Fucking.

Oh

my god.

My friend, that is cerebral ballsy.

Have you gone back to see?

Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant?

Oh, hell no.

That's why you're not going back.

Yeah, realistically, yeah.

You went to.

Oh, like, honestly, like, as soon as that came, I was like, the first thought I had in my head was, I'm like, this is why I didn't qualify for disability.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Jimmy Carr.

What do you think about that?

I just hope you do go back.

I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman because one day in the future, I want this to be grandma, grandpa.

How did you meet?

And I want this story to come out.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

He's fucking.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband.

I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together.

One of the toilets was clogged and filled with nasty toilet paper, bloodied and soiled.

And the other two stalls.

Yeah, Red Band, this is just like your material.

Red Band showing me his set list from this thirsty

secret show.

Okay.

So you came inside of her.

Do you give her 350 right then?

Did you tip anything?

Were you like, oh, you should maybe, did you ask for

change on the 4th hundred?

Even though you came inside of her?

I used Cash App.

Wow.

Wow.

So you digitally cream-pied her bank account.

Like a gentleman.

Wow.

I got to tell you, it's been a 24-minute long interview with Ronnie

Aurorbeck.

The adopted Guatemalan Ewok with the third most beautiful asshole from Lansing, Michigan, arrived to Austin, Texas, started cream pieing strippers immediately.

Just absolutely fucking incredible.

I love you, Ronnie.

How much material do you think you have altogether, stand-up-wise?

I just did a half-hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks ago.

You better invite this motherfucker right now.

I'd love to have you on the secret show.

Bring him a cupcake.

You know what?

She's bringing cupcakes.

You bring some cream pies.

He's not going to be able to catch that.

He's going to catch it.

I'm holding the mic in my bad hand so I actually

got a chance.

Switch so it's funny.

I'm going to aim for that right tit so you can you can cup it right there.

You ready?

Ronnie roar it back, ladies and gentlemen.

Holy shit.

What an episode.

Did you guys have fun?

This is the number one

show in all of comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

Brought to you by Talkspace.

I'm going to remind you one more time, Zach Brown is at the sphere.

December, January, 2025, 2026.

Santino, White Noise is out now on Hulu.

He's on tour, AndrewSantino.com.

Of course, Bad Friends.

Jimmy Carr is on a world tour.

Australia, New Zealand, and the entire world.

JimmyCarr.com, Car with Two R's.

And now, you know,

even though all of our regulars are always busy, there just happens to be one more comedian left.

And there's just one guy that could end an episode like this.

It is the Hall of Famer with the record for all-time appearances and interviews on the show.

Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the Duke of

Debauchery.

He is the big red machine.

This is the one and only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

i was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds and you know the property where the bat cave is it's owned by wayne enterprises why would bruce wayne wait does batman owe bruce wayne money

i mean the dude is saving the day all day and does he ever get a tip hell no dude's probably broke as hell.

And you know, the government isn't paying him because the cop street guy, he keeps trying to shut his ass down.

I messed that part up.

Thank you.

Everybody's talking about how AI is going to take over the world.

Yeah, the movie kind of sucked.

This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat.

Want to go to Antifa Prom with me?

People always look at birds and say, dang man, I wish I could fly.

But birds are probably looking down at us and saying, dang, man, I wish I could start a conspiracy theory.

That's my time.

Thank you, Tub.

Notice all the regulars with exactly a minute tonight right on the dock.

God, I pros.

I really bombed at the beginning.

This is a real rough one tonight, but it seemed okay, I guess.

People love you.

You're out here.

You've done it more than anybody else you've literally done hours and hours and hours on this show it is incredible it's also it was kind of a great premise yeah

yeah thank you i know bruce wayne thing that's there's something in that yeah go the way you wanted tonight but there's something great something in there i agree thank you i agree Great, William.

And that weirdo guy was talking about Batman, so I'm thinking, oh my God, this is going to be so good.

Yeah.

I'm thinking, there's no way this weird guy is talking about Batman.

I know you're not calling my new best friend weird.

That is Ronnie Rorbeck.

I know.

I'm kidding.

He seemed nice.

He's a sweet boy.

William, how's life been going?

What's going on?

Tell us.

It's been good.

Just got back from Salt Lake City.

I was there this weekend.

The shows were a lot of fun.

And then on Sunday morning, when I woke up at 7 a.m., I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street.

And I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes.

Whoa.

They were doing it right by their window.

And I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl, I swear to God, at first I'm like, is this a mannequin?

Is she passed out?

I couldn't tell because he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something.

I couldn't even tell what was going on, but I watched it for 20 minutes, Tony.

It was very exciting on my Sunday morning.

Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all?

No.

You had to think about it there.

I didn't this weekend at all, Tony.

I wasn't really in the mood.

You didn't masturbate at all?

Not at all this weekend.

Did you think that?

You weren't in the mood.

Yeah, but then I just wasn't in the mood.

Why do you think you weren't in the mood?

I don't know.

Jimmy.

I feel like you're saving it for a subway.

Yeah, what a subway sandwich place?

Like the bathroom of a subway?

I think on the New York subway, I feel like it's the right place for you to be masturbating.

I know.

That could be a fun place.

Maybe the subway, or what's another good place?

Let's think of another place, like a McDonald's or something.

Maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off.

Where else could be?

Like a movie theater could maybe be a wonderful place to fucking jack off.

What do you really?

Maybe like the fucking zoo or something, Tony.

Wow.

Maybe in front of the penguins?

Oh,

no.

Too cold, Tony.

Not in there.

Whoa.

Somewhere in the zoo, but I'm with the penguins, Tony.

Oh, my dick's already small, dude.

Oh, my God.

But where else?

Maybe like a...

Maybe like a gas station.

Whoa.

What gas station?

Huh?

Sitga?

Maybe a sit go or...

Buckies is ruby.

I know, Bucky's.

Oh, my gosh.

How did I not think of Bucky's?

Maybe I could jack off on Bucky because Bucky walks around the Buckies every day from 10 to 12, 12 p.m., 10 a.m.

to 12 p.m.

Wow.

So if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there.

Maybe that's a good idea.

I could just jack off all on him and have a fun rest of the day, I'm sure.

I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good.

jack it off on fucking Bucky's nasty hairy fucking ass

Wow

One of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show and I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again

No Tony you need to and then we can get together because we'll be around each other a lot if he's here like every Monday I think I'd be able to charm him so oh okay

get the sponsor maybe appears as of though William thinks the Bucky Beaver is a real beaver, a real grown beaver, Jimmy Carr.

Can I ask about when you were watching this couple making love across the street, was there any eye contact?

At any point, did you think they're going to see me watching them?

The guy would look a little bit, but I was down.

They were up like three stories, and then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first.

I was sitting on the bed at first, and I was like, wait, I got to stand up.

And then I was standing up, and then I was naked.

I was naked this entire time.

Why were you naked?

Just thinking maybe I could help help them out if they see my ass down there.

They're going to be like, oh my god, this is freaky.

That dude's naked down there watching us.

So I thought maybe I could help, but they did not see me.

But it was exciting.

It really was.

That is incredible.

How did it end?

Did you notice?

How could you tell me?

I had to get out of there.

I had to get my lift because I ordered my lift like halfway through, but the lift was taking a while.

So that's why I was able to watch them longer.

But then I had to just leave.

Amazing.

Why lift?

Why is Lyft your ghost?

I always look at Lyft and Uber and whatever's cheaper.

That's what I go with.

Wow, a very thrifty William Montgomery, shockingly thrifty, literally rich.

Literally.

No, I wouldn't say that, Tony.

And I wouldn't also say that.

There's a bunch of fucking weirdos that watch it.

A bunch of really nice people, but a bunch of weirdos.

People don't need to think I have that bunch of money because I don't.

So

the government takes a lot.

I mean,

it's not really, it's not.

So we don't even need to talk about it.

Right.

We really don't.

Totally.

I love it.

There's like some strange people that would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment.

Really worried about what other people think for a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel window butt naked.

I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of the way.

Well, we live in a weird time.

There's a bunch of weirdos out there, Tony.

I mean, we're in a strange time.

I love that.

Weirdos, you say.

Yeah, there's weirdos everywhere.

And there's so.

Sure.

Yeah.

What else you've been doing for fun, William?

Anything else?

Just a fucking row machine.

I'm at 1,900,000 meters.

Wow.

So.

Have you ever thought about jerking off on the row machine?

No, I almost vomited the other day.

So it would not be, I wouldn't be in the mood.

Right.

All right.

At all.

Is there anything else that you're passionate about?

Any new snacks in your life?

Some button figures, Totis.

Yep.

Wow.

This guy's completely bored out of his mind.

Look at this fucking guy's face.

Do you have a problem with me tonight?

You didn't like the first joke.

I messed up on the first fucking joke.

What are you one of these fucking weirdos that would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment?

Are you one of these fucking dudes?

Is that where you're looking at me like that, dumbass?

You really think we're not gonna be able to see your fucking face, dude?

You're right there in the light.

Yeah, you got caught daydreaming, bro.

That guy's gonna have a panic attack right now.

That is bad.

William.

Who's that?

Who are you with?

Your sister?

Who's that lady with you?

I'm kidding.

Is that your sister?

Who is that?

That's his girlfriend.

Are you ever going to stop?

He just got back from Salt Lake City.

Are you ever going to stop harassing this guy, William?

I don't think I'm ever going to stop harassing.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Talkspace.

White Noises on Hulu.

The great Andrew Santino.

Tickets at AndrewSantino.com.

JimmyCarr.com for his tickets.

And one more time, what a special treat.

The great Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen, of the Zach Brown band at the Sphere

all of December and all of

January, ladies and gentlemen.

And don't forget, the brand new album, Love and Fear, comes out on night one of their Sphere performances, Friday, December 5th.

Zach, fun times.

Thank you, my friend.

How about one more time for the best stand band in the land?

The drawing from Ryan J.

Ebel is in.

It's incredible.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight.

Oh, D-Madness.

Look at that.

That's amazing.

amazing.

D, it's beautiful, I promise.

Did you guys have fun tonight?

Red Bam.

Guys, check out Jet Ski, Jetski Johnson's new podcast.

I think Santina, were you on it?

Yeah.

It's amazing.

Jet Jewel.

Go watch Jet Jewel.

Kill Tony Super Alumni Jet Ski Johnson has a podcast now.

The great Heidi and Valerie Bond.

The Kill Tony Beauties have a podcast.

Yeah, check out everything.

Thank you to Talkspace and thank you to the live audience.

Don't forget, New Year's Eve, we're at the Moody Center, so you people finally have a chance at seeing Kill Tony live, but you got to do it on New Year's Eve in a big-ass arena.

It's going to be crazy.

We love you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.