#739 - ELAINE + SAM TALLENT + MIKE FEENEY

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

How many of you consider yourselves big fans of Kill Tony?

Well, you're in for a special treat.

Every week I book this Mamma Jama as good as I possibly can.

This is a three panel night.

Three fucking panelists.

You guys are in for such a special treat as I introduce Elaine, Sam Talent, and Mike Feeney.

Oh my God.

Sam Talent, Mike Feeney,

and Elaine.

Elaine is here, ladies and gentlemen.

She looks awfully familiar, looks like a Hall of Famer, a guest of the year, reigning, defending.

She's a sweet lady.

Comedy Mothership, how we doing?

Make some fucking noise.

It was Jail Don't say.

I can't hear you.

Make some fucking noise.

Let me just say this real quick.

Tony, good to see you.

You still look hungry.

Red Ben, you look like you drowned two weeks ago.

I'm staying at a La Quinta Inn just down the street.

My friend Tony Garuso got me a hookup on the room.

But let me say this about the hotel.

There's blood on the sheets.

There's cum on the floor.

And stay with me.

No breakfast.

Hit me, Mike.

Let's get it going.

Elena's here, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, looking an awfully...

an awful lot like one of the greatest guests in the history of the show.

Mike Feeney is here, ladies and gentlemen, sandwiched in between two of the greatest guests ever.

A sweet, sweet man, Mike Feeney.

Excited to be back.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready for the best fucking night of my life.

How about you?

There you go.

Mike Feeney gets it.

And another multiple-time freak of nature guest, one of the highest-ranked guests in the history of the show, one of the smartest people, one of the greatest stand-up comedians in the world.

Sam Talent is here.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I was was going to talk about staying at the La Quinta and say I was ready for the greatest night of my fucking life, but

here we are.

So

I'm also happy to be here, and it's truly a pleasure to meet you, Elaine.

I'll say I've been following you on Facebook since January 6th, and you've been making a lot of great posts.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, someone's got to say something now that Charlie's gone, you know?

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Where's Dr.

Phil Benadina?

This is so exciting to have you guys.

You guys all been on the show before, you know how it works, but maybe somebody brought their liberal girlfriend tonight to the show, and they might not know exactly what's going on.

Over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to possibly get one minute of stand-up comedy on this stage so that they can show off to the millions of viewers at home.

They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry bust Hollywood bear.

And then I conduct an interview with them and they get feedback from this amazing, esteemed panel of geniuses.

And anything can happen.

The whole thing is improvised.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

So, here's the deal.

Starting tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner from the great country of Canada, ladies and gentlemen.

He just won.

His last appearance was on the Netflix episode where he won a four-person immediate

immediate killer be killed turbo round to do the arena here in Austin Texas on New Year's Eve so it's been a while since we've seen him this is a brand new minute from Danny Martinello ladies and gentlemen makes the noise for Danny

I was out in New York City and while I was there a couple of my buddies wanted to go on like a rap tour to see where all like the Brooklyn rappers grew up up.

So we went there and while we were walking around, my buddy goes, hey, man, wouldn't it be sick if we had a time machine right now?

I said, why?

And he goes, because then we could go back in time and then be part of the culture when they were alive and walk around the same footsteps as they did.

I was like,

yeah, I'm all right on that, dude, to be honest.

You know, just as a white guy from Canada, I'm not going back to a Brooklyn ghetto in the late 80s to get robbed at gunpoint, you know?

And then his wife pipes up and she goes, yeah, well, you guys are stupid and you would use a time machine for something dumb like that.

And I said, well, what would you use it for right she goes well I'd probably make a difference in the world I'd use my education to advance civilization I said oh that's great but what would you do she goes well I'd go back in time to the 1400s and teach people modern medicine back then

I had to look at her and go at what point do you think a man would ever listen to you in the 1400s

Let alone take a medical intervention?

You know, they'd be like, oh, you have a cure for my ailment?

Well, see if you float.

That's exactly what they would do.

One word, they'd be like, get her, boys, the bitch is a witch.

Yeah?

Thank you.

One person liked it.

Danny Martinello.

Welcome back, Danny.

How are you?

I'm doing pretty good.

Thanks, Tony.

What's been going on in life?

Has your life changed at all since being on Netflix's Kill Tone?

No, no.

Well, yeah, sort of, yeah, but nothing too crazy.

Some doors have opened for sure.

What kind of doors have opened?

Well, you know,

well, you know, the front door, the back door, and the side of the shed, too.

These fucking Canadians, I'll tell you, they can't help themselves.

Well, it's great to be Canadian here because as soon as I walk in, all you guys start talking like me, so it's pretty welcoming.

Well, it's kind of contagious, it gets airborne in anybody.

Wow, Tony, absolutely beautiful impression.

That's absolutely

you cannot hide your disgusting Canadian twang.

Yeah, I do like your accent.

Say the word toilet for me.

Toilet.

Hilarious.

Sam Talon, what do you think about this, man?

It's just fun to hear a Canadian guy be racist, you know?

Because really the accent belies, you know, the things you're saying, which is a nice, charming trick to use up there.

Yeah.

You know, it's like, oh, black people are dangerous.

Yeah.

They say they're locked their car doors.

There's a lot of them coming to town lately.

All right.

Well, that was a hard no from you guys.

It's sick when Sam does it, but when I hear you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, it's because I'm faking it.

Yeah.

it's an impression very funny

very funny Elaine you ever been to Canada I have been to uh I went to a Toronto Blue Jays game I used to uh let Joe Carter titty fuck me in the 90s wow shout out to Joseph wherever he is

they've got great poutine up there poutine have you ever had poutine

yeah yeah

unbelievable it's fucking Canadian your impression was better than Tony's

well easy easy I want to come back.

I want to come back.

He's an amazing impression.

I mean, she is an amazing impressionist.

Oh, yeah.

No one's better than Elaine.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

Yeah, Elaine.

That sounds familiar.

Come on, I've seen the show.

I've seen it.

You watch the show?

Oh, yeah.

Every night when I play with Mike.

Who are your favorite guys?

Oh, I like that Estonian guy.

I like the black guy.

I like the Asian guy.

There's the wheelchair girl.

She's fun.

Boy, I don't know.

Oh, boy.

Can you narrow it down?

Harlan Williams, a fellow Canadian, he's a funny guy.

Yes, yes, he is.

Who was your hero growing up, Daniel?

Probably like,

I don't know, dude.

I really liked Steve Irwin, I'm not going to lie, when I grow up.

I did.

No, my mom let me stay home and the stingray got him and I watched the funeral service.

I cried for two days.

It was tough.

That is some Canadian bullshit, if I've ever heard it.

My hero was Steve Irwin.

Yeah.

Yeah, how come it wasn't Rick Moranis?

I don't know.

Joey Moss was pretty sick, too, growing up watching him.

Who the fuck is that?

Joey Moss was the equipment manager for the Edmonton Oilers.

He was Wayne Gretzky's girlfriend at the time.

Well, like, brother, sorry.

And then he became the equipment manager, but then he was a staple in the Edmonton scene, and he's just a good positive person.

It's so funny how little your culture touches us.

That guy's probably on a fucking stamp up there.

And I'm like, oh, what did he do?

He fucking banged Wayne Gretzky.

Oh, I don't know.

And then you go,

well, you got like Terry Fox and shit, but like all the...

Wait, the Terry Fox?

Terry Fox, yeah.

You ran out of the shoe.

I have no idea who that is.

Well, you guys are asking me about Canada.

You guys don't even know, but it's whatever.

Oh, we don't even know.

We don't even know.

This is what you've been waiting for.

The whole time, Tony's just been lighting me up, being like, one day I will really get you.

And this is it.

When he says that, is he talking through a Trake scar?

Yeah, he is.

Smoking a cigarette.

He's like, you ain't going to get it one day.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You watch that.

You're gonna have one of those one day.

Whoa.

All right.

So you have a lot of friends with tracheotomies.

You do?

Most of my friends have.

Well, most of my friends are dead or have AIDS, but most of them that are alive have tracheotomies because we smoke a lot.

I love to smoke.

I see you smoke.

The spark went up, bitch.

All right, we're going to, Elaine.

Let's get Danny out of here.

Danny, good job.

Way to get the show started, Danny Martinello.

I'll light one up right after this bucket pool gets called.

Danny did 60 seconds, but now we're to the bucket.

This is where shit gets crazy.

We don't know these people.

Very rarely have we ever seen them before.

Everyone's hoping to have the best possible time of their lives up here.

Anything can happen.

This is 60 seconds from what looks like a new name.

Make some noise for Wilson, everybody.

A one-word name, Wilson.

Howdy.

How many cans of beer does it take to kill a man?

I don't know, but it only took me one to kill that eight-year-old

Speaking of cans.

I never really understood the canned food drive.

Just goes mean like they're homeless, right?

Are they gonna open it?

I doubt they have a can opener, much less a stove.

I guess they could see how many cans of food it takes to kill a man.

Got a pretty good idea how many an eight-year-old can can handle.

You know what I mean?

So I lost my dad last year to ALS.

There's a lot of sad pit stops that comes with ALS, a lot of crushing moments, lots of loss.

Started with his ability to run, eventually to walk.

You know, one day is his ability to eat or even breathe for himself.

There's a lot of sad moments.

So I can't tell you how psyched I was when I came in one morning to get him up and he was pitching a tent.

I guess I'm the only one who's seen his dad rock hard and felt real joy.

Thank you.

All right, Wilson.

I liked it.

40 seconds of straight can comedy crushing.

Unbelievable.

Very rarely do people do that well with canned jokes.

That was great.

Never thought about the homeless thing before.

You got a fucking full applause break from Elaine.

Oh, I loved it.

I love a good homeless guy.

I let a homeless guy titty fuck me in the 90s.

For charity.

Oh, Sam Talon.

Was it in Toronto?

Yes.

Nice.

It was Joe Carter.

Oh.

Oh, hey, when you came out, you have one name.

What's the one name thing all about?

People like it because of that movie Cassaway.

You know,

they like screaming it.

Now, who are people?

Did you do a survey when you decided to?

If we're being honest, it's all the substitute teachers I've ever had in my life, just get to Wilson, just scream Wilson, thinking they're comedians.

When he came out as Wilson, did anyone else expect him to be a black man?

Yes.

I did too.

Yes.

I did not

look like John Lennon, sound like Keanu Reeves, and

get a free titty fuck for me after the show.

Wow.

Very attractive, is what I'm saying.

But the voice, the voice is something to be desired.

Wilson, let's talk about it here.

What do you do for work?

I'm a landscaper.

Wow, a white landscaper.

Amazing.

The rare bird here in Austin?

Yes, sir.

How long have you lived here?

Born and raised.

Wow, amazing.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Just under a year.

Okay.

Are you getting sexier?

Are you lowering your voice as you're talking?

What's in your pocket?

A modulator?

Yeah, show us your penis.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Elaine.

Elaine.

Sorry, that's my new catchphrase.

Sure.

See me at the Tropicana next Thursday through Friday.

It's two days.

Don't be rude.

Show the lady your penis.

No, Wilson, don't do it.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Don't do it, Wilson.

Okay.

Turn me on, man.

We're in front of people.

How old are you, Wilson?

I am 25.

25.

And you've been landscaping the whole time?

Yes, I had a few jobs before that.

My college dropout.

I dropped out to take care of my dad.

Okay.

When did your dad pass away?

Last year.

And what was he doing with his life up until that point?

So he made all of his money as a

real estate owner.

He had his own business bailing people out of the 2008 tax crisis.

Or the housing crisis.

Sorry.

Yeah.

And

so that's how he made all of his money by the loans from the bank and then

cover it.

Amazing.

ALS, an unbelievably terrible disease.

The late, great Michael Lehrer had it, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, one of the funniest people and one of my old best friends.

It's terrible to watch people go.

Is that Lou Gehrig's?

Yes, yes, sir.

Did he get a tit fuck a lane because of that?

Be one of.

Yeah, the best lights.

Charity for charity.

Like, my joke was real.

His dick did still work for a surprisingly long time.

They do work.

Michael is banging his nurse down to the finish line.

It's wild.

Yeah.

And he started to say, you remember Michael Lehrer from the show?

And he started to sound like that.

Everybody sounds like that towards the end.

How long after his diagnosis did he pass away?

Three years.

That's normally the thing.

It's terrible.

Did anything funny happen in your last hello or goodbye or anything?

Well,

yeah.

Other than his rock hard cough.

Yeah.

Such a throbbing erection on his deathbed.

So

when he passed away,

I had just gotten back from going out with my girlfriend.

And so he had passed before I was able to say bye.

And I had always thought that I would say goodbye.

So I went in after he'd passed away.

And I remember that he was a lot greener than I had pictured someone to look when they had passed away.

Yeah.

And I remember I went up to my room, you know, I drank a bunch, cried a lot.

I remember I'd had some mint chip ice cream in the freezer and that was my favorite.

How long is your story?

Helene.

For the love of fucking.

I have to pee.

I have to pee.

Jesus.

Fucking Christ.

So I went down to get the mint chip ice cream to eat it.

You know, I thought it would make me feel better.

And I picked it up his empty.

And I remembered how green his lips were.

And for a little bit, I was more mad about that than not saying goodbye.

I was like you fucking ate my mint chip ice cream than fucking died.

There it is.

I love that.

I loved that.

Will circle get you square.

Tell us something else crazy about you or your life.

Do you have any special skills, talents, hobbies, anything?

Yeah.

Love hunting, love fishing.

I'm a beekeeper.

Dad loved beekeeping.

Wow.

Wow.

Yes.

A lot of...

Can you look me in the eyes while you talk?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I'm pretty close.

Yeah, man.

I would love to shave your head.

Ladies, am I wrong?

I've never felt more alone.

All right.

Hey.

Never mind.

You're kind of dreamy, Wilson.

No, I get that a lot from men for sure.

So I'm just another slut.

But But you have a girlfriend full-time?

I do, I do.

What does she do?

She works at a

genetic research lab.

When you were made?

Yeah, I was, right?

Then I wouldn't have a dead dad.

Wow.

Fucking Christ.

Try to suck the energy out of the room.

None of them.

Bitch.

None of them.

Wait, how many bees do you keep at once?

I was just kidding.

I don't give a fuck.

We're not going to be keeping you any longer, Wilson.

Great performance.

Here's Here's the big joke book.

Here you go, my friend.

Wilson, ladies and gentlemen.

A fantastic bucket pool representing the bucket tonight where anything can happen.

That's his Kill Tony debut.

Oh

my god.

What a sight for my weary eyes.

The great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Her brand new podcast is out.

HeidiRegina.com.

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It's good to be right.

We have another bucket pull.

This looks like another new name.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Medina, everybody.

We're going to meet Medina all together now.

Hey, guys.

So you can probably tell by looking at me, my pronouns are USA

I usually walk out to Bruce Springsteen born in the USA just in case they had my passport back there.

I identify as biracial because my dad is black and my mom is African American.

But my body

My body is gentrifying itself.

Yeah, you know you have Vitiligo because it starts with a couple spots and then pretty soon you don't recognize the neighborhood anymore

It's just not what it used to be Best part about having Vitiligo though is kids always come up to me and ask me what happened to your hand and I get to tell them well when I was your age My mom told me to do something and I didn't listen

and she smacked the black off me

Listen to your parents.

I'll leave it there.

Thanks guys.

My name is Medina.

Medina, I love it.

First time on the show.

Welcome.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Three years.

Three years.

Where at?

Philly region.

I'm from Delaware.

Okay.

Representative.

Philly, absolutely.

Hell yeah.

All right.

Awesome.

And again, I missed it.

It was going so fast.

What are your parents?

What's the mashup here?

Black and black.

Black and black.

Okay.

Black people.

All right.

So the burqa kind of comes out of nowhere there.

Yeah, think Malcolm X.

Okay.

Yeah.

I always do.

Yeah.

I love it.

What do you do for a living?

I am a state representative.

Oh my.

I'm an elected official in Delaware.

Like, where at?

Delaware State House.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

How pissed are they going to be that you're on this show?

This is wild.

This is crazy.

Yeah, not all.

And I just had my birthday and I'm getting divorced.

Whoa, I love it.

Hell yeah.

So the relationship, like your skin was a bit patchy.

Hell yeah.

How long were you married to this guy?

12 years.

12 years.

Oh my God.

Why did it end?

Can I ask?

Well, I'll just tell you, a week after we separated, my eyelids started filling in.

So like my skin turned brown again.

That's a good thing.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like stress induced.

Wait, break that down.

So

it was like some sort of reverse Samby social.

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

So wait, so it started.

So it was whiter than it started getting.

Yeah, they were both completely white, and then I looked in the mirror the other day and I was like, huh, I guess getting divorced was the right decision.

Well, it's his loss.

What is your favorite?

If it could be...

My favorite.

Your favorite?

What?

You didn't even finish the question that you're not supposed to be asking.

I mean, specifically.

I do have favorites.

The favorite, the type is like, would you prefer it to be brown or not brown?

What the fuck, Elaine?

Are you asking her what her favorite color is?

Before you ask a question, think about what you're asking.

She's from a different time, Tony.

Okay.

Look, I used to be Joan Rivers.

We could say the N-word at breakfast, okay?

So

I'm so sorry.

I'm a big fan of.

I mean, my favorite white patches are my eyelids.

Yes.

Because it's better for eyeshadow.

Yes.

You're telling me.

But I miss my brown lip liner that I had, like my built-in lip liner.

I do miss that.

That's a good question.

Thank you.

They're on you, but I think it's a good question.

You've a true politician.

I was just going to say, a true politician.

Great question.

You don't want to lose your constituents, yeah.

The elderly are a big block.

Yeah, trust me, this is a mail-in ballot if I've ever seen one right here.

We call her pussy the ballot box.

Whoa.

Someone just talked themselves out of a titty fuck.

Keep up that length.

If I keep losing weight, I can do myself.

How long have you been a state representative for?

I'm going into my sixth year.

Oh my god.

Oh my God.

So tell us about that.

Tell us what

some things that you didn't expect about that job.

We've never had a state representative on the show before.

This is amazing.

Oh, amazing.

Okay.

I would say I wish that we had a light.

Like I wish my colleagues only had so much time because they just go on and on.

Yeah.

What else about it?

Democrats and Republicans all suck.

Exactly.

I agree with that.

Rock and roll.

People think I'm a Republican all the time.

They just think I'm a staunch Republican, but it's not that way at all.

You're just rich.

Yeah.

It happens.

Common sense centrist that just saw in the last election that there was only one option.

You're considered a Democrat, though, correct?

Yeah, but I'm like very far left.

Right.

I could tell by the everything.

But you have an amazing sense of humor.

This is incredible that you would come to this show and do it.

So you're taking stand-up very seriously.

I took the greyhound bus.

Whoa.

You did.

Wow.

Was it totally gray or was it kind of blue?

It was blue.

Tell us about the Greyhound bus.

7.25 a.m.

Got on the Greyhound in Fort Worth and stopped in

some random town, Hillsboro or something.

Okay, was there

a Buckies there at least?

No, there was a Loves.

Okay.

All right.

Well, we love.

We're going to tear this room apart.

I love it too.

I love it.

Go ahead, Elaine.

I just went, the bus.

I've taken the bus many a time.

I've been felt up many a times.

I've been fingered.

I've been, last time I took the bus from Austin to San Antonio, I was fingered by the bus driver while he was driving.

I'll send you a link.

But it was,

but

there's something to be said about the people on the bus.

There's so many different flavors and characters.

Did you see anyone that made you go, oh, I'm going to write a joke about them, you know?

Yeah.

But I'm a politician, so I probably should see that.

You're also on a fucking show.

And don't get her started on the wheels.

I mean, the bus driver, I loved hearing her takes on the world.

She's really loud.

And she was talking about how, like, he talks about freedom of speech, but apparently not.

Apparently not for everybody.

And like, she was going in.

And I was like, this is the America I love, right?

Like, you can have voted for Trump and not agree with everything, just like you can be a Democrat and not suck.

Exactly.

We exist in multiple states.

Absolutely.

We all do.

We're all meeting in the middle.

We are indeed the United States of America, the greatest country in the world.

I wish I could vote.

That fucking gun thing's caught up to me.

I'd love to give you one vote.

I won in 2020, I won a primary by 43 votes.

What does every vote count?

Wow.

We all know what a primary is, too.

What does that mean exactly, Sam?

I don't get it.

I was being facetious.

Please, explain.

No, we know what a primary is.

Oh, I don't.

You don't.

No, I don't.

What the fuck?

What's going on with you?

I've been eating a lot of raspberries.

I don't vote.

I don't like the tyranny of democracy.

I believe in freedom.

Wow, great.

I would love to live in your country, Sam.

You do.

It's the best one.

What?

Okay.

Where else can all of us hang out?

We got fucking these guys over there, you know.

Mike sleeveless.

We got a blind black guy, that's worth two.

I mean,

there's a lot of progress being made up here.

Is that fair to say, ma'am?

Let's get back to the guests here.

So when you were campaigning, was there any, like, did you have any big moments where like you knew you were going to win or like a big, or like some type of like, you know, just a big catchphrase or something that like, got you victory.

You know, like Biden, for example, lost because was dead, right?

And he couldn't do anything.

He couldn't speak in public.

So we know why he lost.

Trump got shot at,

swung it, came up with blood, fucking pumped his fist.

People are like, oh shit.

Like he would.

Yeah.

So, like, did you have any moments?

Like, you know, remember that great Howard Dean who kind of was like the frontrunner and then he went crazy going, wow, Minnesota, but

your campaign.

You have any tricks, catchphrases, anything going up against them?

Yeah, I mean, it's really corny now.

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's make a difference together.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Delaware.

Yeah, earth-shattering.

Yeah.

They weren't ready.

I mean, we won.

It was close, but.

Does anybody ever think you work in the bed bath and beyond part of Target?

Did you ever use your Villago?

Am I saying that right?

Villago?

Vitaligo.

Vitaligo?

Yeah.

Vitalago.

Vitaligo, Vitilago.

Vitalago?

Vitalago.

Sky Regional.

Vitalago.

Vidalago.

You ever use that to your advantage while campaigning?

Like, I bring everyone together.

Look, I'm this and I'm that.

No?

Yeah.

Is there a Yamaka under that?

Yeah.

Samuel, Samuel, Samuel.

Samuel.

You know, that's meeting you across the aisle.

Samuel.

Samuel.

Is there?

Is there?

No.

No, okay.

No.

I love it.

Anything else crazy we should know about you, Medina?

Any other?

Sometimes I have Stevie Wonder breeds with beads under here, since you were wondering.

Stevie Wonder breeds.

Yeah, like just imagine like hotter than July, like the alpha cover.

Steve Madness has Stevie Wonder Eyes.

Like a reference.

Much different than the hairstyle.

I'm actually in a hooting the blowfish cover band called Stevie Wonder's Eyes.

Oh, you just knocked a Red Bull on your pussy.

Well, looks like it's time to squirt.

Another one of my catchphrases.

Thank you, Michael.

Not the first one.

It should be the Tropicana next Thursday and Friday.

Oh, perfect.

I think your pussy has wings now for the Red Bull can landing.

It was already red.

Red Bull can on your pussy, Elaine.

Don't you make my pussy mustache fall off.

Elaine, I didn't hear it hit the floor, though.

It's true.

It swallowed it up.

It crank it.

It hit me with a stargate.

Suction comes down.

Here we go.

Wait, wait, wait.

All right, good job, Red Ben.

You're fired, Red Ben.

Could have hit any button in the world, and you made a noise with your mouth.

You're ready, I'll drop it and do it.

Ready, Red Band?

Ready?

Here you go.

One, two, three.

Perfect.

Red Band.

How dare you?

My son is watching this.

Medina, I love your style.

Congratulations.

Amazing stuff.

And a state representative.

Boom.

Got it.

The kill Tony debut of Medina.

Let me tell you, we are on a streak with this bucket of one of my favorite coincidences in the world, and that is one-word names.

Let me remind you, we've had Wilson Medina and three in a row.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

All right, there you go.

Awesome.

Make some noise for decks, everybody.

It's decks.

I look like I ran here.

At the gym they call me the Stair Master.

Why is there an F and KFC?

Because when you buy some, hell yeah, you got F and KFC.

I should introduce myself.

My name's Dex, which is cool, because I look like a Doug.

I look like Corinthians 4.20.

Sometimes I think porn is addicted to me.

I think Ludacris was real skinny until he started singing Get Out the Way.

That's a whey protein joke.

Do you know what is really odd?

Half of all integers.

And that joke about Ludacris.

What was that about?

All right, all right, Dex.

So, minute, 15 seconds.

One more time for Dex, everybody.

Dex, grab that mic.

I'm going to interview you now.

Hell yeah, dude.

Welcome to the show, brother.

You have your own style very defined very funny hell yeah

how long you been doing stand-up five years two for real i love it where at montana okay then and for people with mental illness yep because i have mental illness we can tell

what exactly have you been diagnosed with dex bipolar right after graduating as an engineer that's got to be tough in the heat

two can play at this game dex

dex dex dex so you graduated from college to be an engineer how did you know that you what what what was happening to where you went to get a diagnosis of bipolar oh just lost my mind literally tell us about that oh it's like halloween and oh this is fascinating because i'm from montana drove out east actually i was

slow it down.

You're doing good, Dex.

You're doing good.

You're doing good.

You don't want to slow it down too much here.

So, uh, you're doing just fine.

There was a, seriously, a 400-pound, when I was losing, the church was like, oh, go help that lady.

And so I did for two years.

You helped a 400-pound lady.

She was a hoarder, Marine, hell yeah.

Or Hoorah?

Uh-huh.

She wanted her cousin to move in with her.

so we got it ready.

And then I flew out to Baltimore and lost my mind.

I was three days homeless out there.

And then the guy in Helena is like, don't call the cops.

Because I finally, I tore up my credit card and then went to the hospital.

Oh, yeah, I remembered Carrot Top, even though I didn't use his number.

But yeah, I called my dad and he came and rescued me.

That's crazy.

How does Carrot Top fit into this?

Because I was using 1-800 call ATT and I was like, Carrot Top.

And he's like, nah, that's not his number.

Ah, you made a collect call.

Yeah.

The name that you used was Carrot Top.

Yeah, that's the fastest I've ever told that story.

That's good.

No, you're doing good.

How many times a week would you say you use fentanyl?

Ooh, I was, oh, I shouldn't say this.

Yes, you should.

You're on the show.

This is the time to share the interesting parts of the film.

I work at this little cabin.

And there was like one little one.

I was like, oh, that's prescription.

And then it had

an M on it.

No, it had a letter on it.

And I was like, oh, that's some serious stuff.

What the fuck is going on?

What's happening?

What's going on?

What do you say?

Am I high?

Am I in a prank show right now?

Redman.

You're doing good.

It's like we got high through osmosis when you came out.

When you tell the stories, do they make sense to you?

Is there someone else in there finishing the story?

There is someone.

I heard the voice at some point go, you're going too fast.

You're going too fast.

Slow it down, Dan.

Yeah.

It's like, yeah, your timing is fun.

All joking aside, your timing is very funny.

You got a lot of laughs.

When you said integer, I got real nervous, but you said.

Also excited.

Hit me, Mike.

Yep.

So let's talk about it, Dex.

Your stand-up is the thing that brings you the most joy in the world, right?

Yeah.

And you travel around and you do that, but you mostly do it in Montana, correct?

Yeah, but I road tripped here, so I'm at least going to spend a week.

We're going to get on the circuit.

When you say we, are you talking about the voices in your head?

Shit.

Or did you come with somebody from Montana?

No, just me and my van.

I love it.

I love it.

So you have a van and you're sleeping in the van, I'm guessing.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, awesome.

Guessing it's not a lot of sleeping in that van.

I think it's a lot of.

Anything crazy happened on your drive here from Montana?

Montana?

Yeah, last Sunday I signed a woman's boobs as Forrest Gump.

Wow, very.

All right, all right, I'll show you.

No, no, no, Elaine, we can't do it.

YouTube has big restrictions here.

Thank you for calling them big.

Yes.

Dex, very interesting.

How do you make money?

Oh, fuck.

I just work for my folks, but yeah.

What do your folks do?

they're decently off so i just like mow long i do as much as i can with mental illness it's fucking hard it's hard to be an adult where you're just like oh i suck at this how old are you dex 42.

okay yeah awesome but we can do it as long as we have someone holding my hand you're doing a great job yeah wow i like that style buddy also dex i liked your jokes the jokes were great they were quick man there was a great word economy you got good jokes you got a mental illness you're kind of perfect for the show i mean this feels.

I've got 400 of them.

400

jokes?

You got 400 jokes?

Yeah, but I'm perfect for a five minute.

I can't even stand more than five minutes.

That's amazing.

You're doing a great job, Dex.

Are you on medicine now?

Did they have you on medicine or something?

No, so yeah, yeah.

So I quit all that stuff.

When did you quit?

After five years, I was in and out of the house.

But when, when, how long ago did you quit?

So we've ten years ago.

Perfect.

We've been doing good.

We've only had one relapse.

I went schizophrenic on a river trip.

Uh-huh.

And those 17 people don't hang out with me.

Nothing beats a chip to you on the day.

Wow.

Wow.

That's hysterical, Jeff.

Oh, do you want to kitty fuck me in your vantonite?

I really like your style.

You can bring some whey protein.

Dude, you don't blink.

It's terrifying.

I got to be honest.

And actually, wait, stop blinking.

It's worse.

Tell us about the

relapse with the 17 people, just out of curiosity, because it seems so interesting.

It seems like you have a real grasp on this thing, that you're aware of it, that it's happening, that you're used to it.

Yeah, I'm like, I got my van, I'm got my shuttle all set up, and then bro is just like, can I get a ride?

And then he has these shrimp scampi that he doesn't even put in a cooler, and then that they eat those.

That is crazy.

But I just lose every night of sleep on that trip.

And then I just I don't go eat any no sleep for six days you will lose your mind

Hold on the no sleep is because of the manic episode or because of drugs No, just no I'm I'm zero drugs.

So it's just it was the shrimp scampy

So six days with no sleep and then what happened

Oh, I see yeah, so like yeah, I could just document it because it's more than drugs like it's crazy like everything's just like whoa

So, what happened on the relapse that you're talking about?

Like, what happened?

Do you remember what happened to where the people don't want to hang out with you anymore?

Oh, yeah, then they just dropped me off at my parents' house because that's where I have to live with mental illness.

And then, oh, I ran that night.

I was like, oh, fuck.

It's like a forest scene in here.

And then I ran out.

I just ran naked.

I was going to run into the woods.

There we go.

Now we're top.

This is what I'm looking for.

But then there's clarity because, and then I just, I say, fuck you, mom and dad, or something like that.

And you're naked at the time no actually I said they're Catholic so I was like no that I literally said

I'm masturbating and then I thought my dad was gonna run after me so I'm just butchering what and then was that the hope yeah

is that how you get off so I'm getting up the street and then my neighbors you guys are interrupting greatness by the way let dex fucking talk you three put the fucking microphones down Dex, keep going.

And then my neighbors,

and then my neighbor is just like, whoa.

And I'm like, push him, push him, because I think my dad is chasing me.

Spotlight keynote.

Keep going, Dex.

We have mountains that are about a mile away,

but then the police,

police department's a half a mile away, so I'm just like, let's run there because they have those CIT officers that help with mental illness.

Yes.

And then I say, hey, I need a CIT officer.

I fucking love you.

I really do.

You're just cool as fuck, Dex.

How much time do you have?

You have 400 jokes.

Yeah, and we can stay here as long.

My plan is to

stay here for a month.

If it worked out and I got on, so this is wild.

Yeah, you're in it right now, Dex.

Fuck you.

I love people like you.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Mentally ill people that know they're mentally ill and admit to being mentally ill and aren't all fucking You know some people really really really really really do need medication and this and that But it seems like you're just kind of aware of your situation Do you the when did that last what you call a relapse happen the river trip 2017 right and since then nothing and do you sometimes feel something coming on and make changes yeah I dedicated my life to sleep sleep was like a bus that you get on and then I is constantly missed that bus bus so

this is real I love this do you have a catchphrase

hell yeah that's what we were gonna say but we only got a minute that's right yep

anything else for decks guys you you said you document when you're having an episode how do you document it is it like just writing out all work and no play?

Or do you film it?

Or what do you do?

Oh, fuck, like at a campfire when people want to listen to a four-hour story.

Who listens to it?

You call me?

There's 17 people, and I threw them under the bus just for comedy, but I don't get invited to a dinner party.

You're not missing out.

Dinner parties are overrated.

You know it's not.

Hidden titty fuck in your van tonight.

I'm not joking.

I'm not joking.

Dex, I think it's great that you're taking personal accountability for your mental health, and I think it's very brave.

Very cool.

You did an excellent job at the comedy, too, man.

Yes.

Very cool, man.

Very cool.

Dex, I think you're built for this.

Yeah.

Of course.

Confident, funny.

You want to do a spot on the secret show on Thursday?

Hell yeah, there you go.

If you're not going to do it, I will, you fucking dork.

Boom.

You get to open up the secret show in five minutes.

This fucking stiff ass, if you had just B-cup titties, he would have had you on.

There's his name.

Write it on your little lineup.

Next time I bump you like that, maybe you should just do it yourself.

Looks like you're in control of things.

Dex, you're doing the secret show on Thursday night at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

You just got booked for a real gig.

How many of you are gonna go Thursday just to see Dex?

See that?

Look at that right there.

Fucking wires.

Oh, Dex, here's a big joke, book, buddy.

There you go.

Boom.

Make some noise for Dex.

One more time for Dex.

Get some information from Dex so that Red Bang can contact him.

Get a phone number or a license plate or something.

Whatever we have to do.

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All right.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Busco Jones, everybody.

You guys having fun out there?

So, for a little while in my 20s, I thought I was gay.

Turned out though, I was just really, really bad with the women.

I am what my daughter's generation would have called a simp, simp,

which all that means is just being nice to women.

Which, if you know anything about your teens and 20s, women don't want that, or they're not interested in that.

So, I learned how to become an asshole, and now I am a father of three with two women.

So, it worked out.

My wife is bi.

Polar,

not the fun one.

It is entertaining a little bit.

It's like a psycho thriller, though, not like sexy, cool, fun

type of thing going on.

So I am married.

Anybody happily married in here?

Bunch of lying, motherfuckers.

I didn't get married to be happy.

Marriage is not, it rounds with mortgage.

It's not a happy word.

You know what a happy word is?

Mistress.

It's mysterious.

It's short.

Fun.

I've been Busco Jones.

Thank y'all very much.

Busco.

All right.

So it's Busco, not Busco.

You've been on this show before, right?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Well, welcome back, guys.

What did you think about Busco?

You know, Busco, that means to search, correct?

I search.

Yes, sir.

I'm searching for the punchlines.

But no, no.

Busco, here's what I think, man.

You have a confidence and you're like calm.

It's just when the jokes catch up to that, I think you're really going to have something, you know?

I mean that I'm trying to give you.

No, no, no.

Because you're not nervous.

It's like you're like laid back, you know?

I think you're engaging.

It's just when the jokes get there, man, I think there's going to be something special.

You are also sweating, though, pretty profusely.

You're dripping.

Yeah, you're dripping.

I'm more nervous than you're telling me.

Really?

I appreciate that.

I didn't see until you turned that your face looks glazed.

So wet.

Just so wet.

I happen to think you are very confident.

You do have Chili's bouncer energy.

Nice.

Thank you.

As a compliment, but you came out, you grabbed the mic, you knew where to put it, and you knew where to, you know, you put one foot in front of the other.

But Sam's right, the jokes, it's going to take time.

How long have you been been doing Sam?

Mike's for about 10 years.

You go to Chili's a lot, Elaine?

Oh, my God, I practically live there.

You got a coupon?

What do you get when you go there?

That's a personal question.

Shrimp's Gampy.

Hit me, Mike.

Thank you.

Unbelievably amazing.

Busco, you've been on the show once or twice before?

Twice, twice.

Okay, tell us something about you that we didn't learn the other times you were on.

You've been on before.

I remember all the sets have kind of been just okay

and then whatever.

Fair enough.

So, let's you've had some time to think about this.

Uh, the most interesting thing, I don't you sign up every week?

No, no, I can't get down here every week, but whenever I get down here, okay, for sure.

Uh, I mean, I'm

it sounds lame, I'm a father of twins.

That's it, just those two, that's pretty cool.

I mean, that's fun.

Um, okay, you have to, if you have to tell us how cool it is, then

imagine we don't know why it's cool.

No, no, um, I'm a successful real estate agent, which is right,

you do the comedy of successful real estate agent.

Exactly.

I'm no longer at the pizza place anymore, which is great.

Y'all gave them a huge bump.

Did you get fired from that?

No, I quit.

I was good.

I was only there for like two years just for

fun.

Is that your real estate company on the shirt?

Yeah, yes.

Is that why you came out here to just be a human billboard for 60 seconds?

I mean, this is a capitalist society.

I'm not against that.

It wouldn't hurt.

But I'm still trying.

I'm still, yeah.

other than the fact that you coincidentally made twins with your sperm.

Is there anything else interesting about you that we don't know or about your entire life?

No, man, I can't beat Dex, dude.

That dude, I hope.

You are correct.

You already have a little joke book, right?

Yeah.

Go fill it up with good jokes, Busco.

There he goes, Busco Jones, everybody.

Some interviews go longer, some I just fly right through.

That's one of those short interviews.

We are going to go with a very special treat.

This is this guy's Kill Tony debut.

He came recommended by Shane Gillis, James McCann, and Sam Talon.

He's visiting from Perth, Australia.

This is the Kill Tony debut of Andrew Wolf.

Hey guys, how you going?

You good?

Yeah, I'm not well.

Thanks for asking.

I don't know if you get a vibe.

I'm not right in the head.

Do you feel this?

I'm Steve Irwin on meth.

Instead of crocodiles, I'm wrestling the homeless, you fuckheads.

How good's America?

Can you give it a clap?

Land of the free, home of the gun.

My only complaint as a tourist, why can't I get one from the airport?

What the fuck's going on?

I'm walking into Call of Duty without a weapon, you motherfuckers.

I'm going to die.

I'm going to die.

I'm getting fucked.

I'll tell you, every time I'm getting on stage, I'm scaring the fuck out of people I feel it now you're looking at me like you've gotten into an uber and realize the driver doesn't have the app

He's just staring back.

He's locked the windows.

He's got his dick out going, let's ride.

Staring at you in the rearview mirror.

Have any of you guys looked at the mirror and seen your reflection?

It's so bad you've had to take a day off work.

Have you had that?

Spend the day fucking.

I just want to be more comfortable in my body.

Are you guys comfortable?

In your bodies?

Not everyone gets it.

My ex's mother-in-law, she had plastic surgery at 67.

67, is that

leaving it a bit late?

That's like renovating a house three weeks before the demolition.

What are you doing?

She got a boop job.

That's like taping two balloons to a skeleton.

Holy fuck.

It's Halloween.

It's a house of horrors with two ghosts in front.

I'm dating her.

I'm dating her right now, so chill the fuck out, hey.

The sex is no good.

Ain't you guys good at sex?

Exactly.

No one said, fuck all.

No one teaches you how to be good at sex.

Growing up, you learn about sex the same way you learn about ghosts.

An older kid takes you into the woods and scares the fuck out of you.

Thank you very much.

Fuck yeah.

Andrew Wolf, welcome to the Killtoni universe.

Thank you for having me.

Amazing stuff.

Especially there towards the end.

I'm sorry early on in your set when you're like, I don't know if you could tell, but I'm kind of crazy.

Two before you was Dax.

Oh, dude.

I mean, like, you seem like a fucking heart surgeon after Dax.

So

like, it's incredible.

No one understands what the fuck I'm saying.

I can feel it.

You're doing good, bro.

I feel like I'm in a foreign country trying to order food.

Get me some bread, cunt.

I don't know what's going on.

Love it.

How long are you?

He's scary as well.

This reminds me of my mom, this guy.

Just staring at me, quit comedy and go back to accounting, you fucking loser.

Go back to accounting she's like my inner monologue just chatting on i don't know where her personality ends and my mental health begins hey right all i know is i can't gas myself in a car anymore because they've lowered the emissions

yeah

i fucking love it yeah man

High energy, I've been bombing in that other room.

Yeah, you have to.

Don't worry.

You don't have to tell them how the other set went.

You don't have to tell them, oh, I bio, the thing's ongoing so good.

Just keep going.

Keep doing good.

This is the one that matters.

Yeah, this matters, baby.

Let's give it up for Kill Turner.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Oh, 2012.

Long enough to quit, dude.

I should have given up.

No, you're doing great.

Nothing's happened for me.

How long have you been doing this?

I do live in the most isolated city in the world, so no one's seen me.

That's true.

Perth.

Who knows?

It might change now, guys.

Perth.

Specifically used in the movie Kill Bill because it is such an isolated city that that's where the elitist

Bill supposedly moved to.

It's like known for being an isolated city.

Tell us about Perth.

Fuck, it's a scary place, guys.

Everyone from Perth's called the Sand Gropers in Australia.

I don't know if you know the word groper, but...

Oh, yeah.

That's a word for sexual assault.

That means sexual assault.

So that gives it all.

But Jack Dela Mello, Jack Della Madalina's from there.

Okay.

he lives nearby yeah yeah he doesn't respect me why

well I'm a small feeble man hey look at me I'm a nerd yeah but Perth's amazing hey you should come there someday yeah that's on the eastern side of Australia yeah yep is the weather there good The weather's hot as shit, dude.

Look at me.

I look 65 years old.

That's true.

Might be time for some plastic surgery.

Oh, dude, I need it.

As soon as I can get some money, I just, I don't know, I can't even get a good haircut.

I look like a middle-aged housewife with with a permanent is gold mining still a big thing in yeah that's all we do right two weeks in the hole two weeks out of the hole on math do you do that sometimes nah dude i they won't trust me down the hole tell them what you did tell them tell them how good you are at business

i'm a failed stockbroker so i used to work in a boiler room we do 300 calls a day Yeah, convincing retirees to give us their life savings.

And it didn't work out for you?

It didn't work out for me or for them,

but it almost worked out for you right they ring up and the stocks are down I'm like well you got to spend money to make money we're down 90% we're gonna come good from here Cheryl wow poor Cheryl poor fucking Cheryl no I'm out of that now so yeah why what happened to the last tell that tell that story you told me that I cried and threw up well

I actually did well at stockbroking.

I used to have five houses, had some money, but

turns out bipolar is a hell of a drug.

Hey, it fucks me out.

you're bipolar too yeah type two they diagnosed you type two red band has type two as well yeah

yeah all right you're big

no he's not anymore he changed his life around which you could do at any point sam talent looks fantastic yeah he looks great

Great.

Red Band's trying to do Sam's fat jokes from a year ago.

Hey, you're fatter than me.

Sam looks amazing.

He looks a bit like the wizard from the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, to be honest.

Wow.

Oh, that's too mean.

Yeah,

that's a brand new movie over in Perth, Australia.

Just got that one.

Dude, I had some early good jokes and now I'm fucking bottling.

No, you're doing good.

I love how hyper-aware you are.

Yeah.

Do you take anything?

Dude,

oh my god.

Sorry, it's choked on a pew.

Do you take anything before you go on stage, or is this all raw, natural excitement?

Yeah, I'm just like frenetic all the time.

Just panicky.

Yeah, you are.

I'm not comfortable in my own skin, to be honest.

I'm like O.J.

Simpson's hand in a glove.

Hey, Knox.

Not comfortable in your own skin.

Tell me about it.

Yeah, not comfortable.

Did you tell the story that Sam wanted you to tell about?

You gotta tell that story.

I don't remember the story.

You tell the story.

So you lost like fucking what?

millions of dollars on the stock market.

And then you called the suicide hotline in Australia and they sent a guy over to your house and you did.

did and what happened well he came there in white gloves on a scooter and I said

and he was meant to be medicating me and I said like I've lost all this money I lost 1.4 million dollars and he was like 1.4 million dollars that's so bad

if I had 1.4 million dollars I'd quit this job and leave immediately And it's like, you're not fucking helping it, you motherfucker.

Yeah, that's basically what happened, man.

That is a great story.

Sam, do you have any other of his stories that he can tell you?

Yeah, he's better at the stories.

You had to tell half the story before he's like, oh, yeah, I remember that happened to me.

I mean, dude, this guy, this guy, like, he's open for me in Australia, and you do not want to fucking follow this guy.

It's brutal.

You're a killer.

He gets here Monday, and I text Egot, and I'm like, hey, my buddy's in town.

McCann tells him.

You get on over there.

You fucking.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, you bombed horrifically.

So bad that you texted me so so sorry mate straight on my way to the airport yeah

I

was in America but for 24 hours I've ruined your good name you've worked so hard to build this I was like now I've ruined it I've dragged it through the mud and I said fuck I wish I had my money back yeah yeah he did so then I text Egot and I'm like oh sorry about my guy he said he bombed and he was like well many people in the room would agree with that

I thought he was delightful yeah

he said my set was cute.

Oh, that's a ringing endorsement.

But we say the C word quite a lot.

You'd have to beep it out.

Yeah.

Every second line, because you're performing to minors.

Do you know?

Yeah, in Perth, you are.

They're all agree.

Miners don't really understand.

You know, they've seen.

What?

Where are these miners at that you think they're what?

What underage people or the miners?

I don't know.

You tell me.

You said it.

Mining people that go down the hole.

Right.

Do you know they're pretty dumb?

You've just got to do sounds and movement.

Still don't know which one you're talking about.

Yeah, I don't.

Woo-woo-woo-woo!

Oh, okay.

Now I got it, for sure.

It's comedy in Perth.

I love it.

I kill over there, you fucks.

You're doing great.

That's great.

How many other shirts like that do you have?

What's this?

I'll say it in slower in English.

How many other shirts like that do you have?

I like your shirt.

I've only got one shirt.

I lost everything, I told you.

Perfect.

Truly.

It's enough for me.

I'm sleeping in this.

I'm living in this.

I'm going to fucking get buried in this.

Let's be honest.

Unbelievable.

I love it.

It's a great shirt.

Thanks.

Absolutely.

So how long are you in America for?

I leave tomorrow, but I'm coming back.

Unfortunately.

With you guys.

When are you coming back?

As soon as possible.

But why are you leaving then?

Oh, well, I've got to get the visa sorted.

So it's in process.

Oh, okay.

People are helping out.

All right.

She get a master card.

They take it 99% of places.

Thank you, Samuel.

Fuck yeah.

Thank you so much for watching.

I I think you're absolutely hilarious.

Congratulations, Andrew Wolf.

Thank you very much.

Amazing stuff.

Here, take a big joke book with you.

That'll help with your visa.

Yes.

Sell it in power.

Hell yeah.

There he is.

The great Andrew Wolf between him.

Oh my god.

The legend.

Paulie Shore has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

Paulie, grab that mic.

Oh my god.

The crowd goes wild.

Sorry, I'm late, dude.

Sorry.

You're good.

You're here, buddy.

Okay, I'm okay.

Yeah.

How's the show been going?

Good?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Cool.

You're the third bipolar guy to come out tonight.

Well, I'm also bisexual, so that's good.

Yeah.

It's all happening.

We love you, Polly.

What's going on, buddy?

I just, I don't know if you guys know this.

Rob Schneider's the what, you said?

frontrunner for guests of the year.

He's the frontrunner for guests of the year.

That's pretty fucking cool.

Last year was Harlan Williams.

Yeah.

And next year is going to be fucking Adam Ray.

No, the year before that was Adam Ray.

The first guest of the year was Adam Ray.

Second was Harlan Williams.

Give it up for Red Band.

What's up, bro?

All right.

These are friends.

Good Dave.

Good Dave, Goldberg.

A friend of mine saw you yesterday.

Were you at a convention yesterday?

I was.

I was hanging out with our friends down there.

I was, yeah, down in.

what was the convention?

Is it a 90s convention or something?

Was Mario Lopez there?

Was it meet your heroes from the late 80s convention?

You know, many years ago, Tony,

I did several films that touched America's hearts.

You are absolutely correct.

I agree completely.

Elaine, sit down, sit down.

So several years later, here we are.

It still resonates, so that's why we go there.

We give back.

The Jews called a mitzvah.

We give back.

You know what I mean?

We give it back.

So it's nice.

Polly, do you have something very heavy in that pocket?

No, it's just my iPhone, bro.

Yeah, that's it.

When you say the Jews believe in giving back, what exactly are you talking about?

Careful, careful, Polly.

Easy.

Twitter.

Easy.

Talking about, like, if you slightly attack them, they give back a lot more than you did to them.

We mostly just give to other Jews, right?

Yeah, I think so.

That's what I've noticed.

All right, well, I just wanted to say hello to everybody.

I want to say what's up, Paulie.

Paulie, we love you.

We love you, Paulie.

Good yentiffs.

Good yent tips, everyone.

Please all.

One more time for the legend, Paulie Shore.

You never know who's going to stick their head out.

You are in Austin, Texas, the comedy capital of the world.

I know a lot of people think it's Riyadh Saudi Arabia right now.

I saw they call themselves the new comedy capital of the world on a post I saw today.

Can you believe that?

Riyadh Saudi Arabia thinks they just bought

being the new comedy capital of the world.

Never.

We turned it down if you're wondering.

Red Band and I turned down a million bucks each instead of going to Saudi Arabia, so and they tripled it!

Yeah, we said no they tripled the offer.

We said no again because what's the point of fucking standing up for America every once in a while if you're gonna sell out at the last second so

yeah if anybody wants to donate

yeah this guy this guy gets it thank you I on the other hand accept it but I missed my flight

you missed your butt

funny we'll keep it in

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All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Frankie Magoo.

You have no idea how much shit is on your MacBook Pro and which you haven't deleted yet.

Whereas you think your iPhone, you can just delete the text and photos hide them.

But when somebody that you've been with for, let's call it 15 years

opens that MacBook Pro and guesses that password

you have no fucking idea what you said to your mom 12 years ago

you were not jacked that that girlfriend of yours was coming home demeaning or not

I would say the worst shit ever

yeah

we we were engaged uh after the ninth year, called that off, had a year and a half off.

It's the best year and a half of my entire fucking life.

We got back together because she saw how happy I was

because it legitimately was the time of my life.

And

we were together for four more years until she read the 15 years of my text messages and photos.

And that was that.

All right.

Frankie Magoo, ladies and gentlemen, with one of the most, what has to be one of the most,

one of the most,

one of the most,

how do I, what do I say?

What would I call this?

One of the most silent receptions of the night.

Your first comedian with absolute zero mental illness, and you guys wonder how the golden ticket winners get the golden tickets.

I mean, this is what happens when you were raised with two parents.

Am I correct?

They were in your life the whole time, still together?

Yes.

Yes, I can tell.

No trauma whatsoever.

No, they hate one another.

No childhood trauma at all.

This is my first time at stand-up.

It's adorable.

Okay, then you're

my original Instagram name was Cracker Barrel Kid55.

Wow, amazing.

So you've been watching this show for a long time.

Day one.

Day one.

I love it.

Well,

you should have done a joke, Frankie.

Yeah.

But I love it.

You decided to go with the truth story.

You took a chance.

Polly Shore and

good gracious.

Yeah, you're in it.

What you got going on back there?

It's amazing.

Are you saying you got lost in Polly Shore's eyes and that's why you bombed?

That's a fact.

Whoa

Frankie, this is the first time we've had D-Madnesses back later.

Yeah, D-Madness!

Yeah.

Hey, D.

So, Frankie, let's talk about it.

It's your first time doing stand-up.

Why did you not practice at an open mic or something like that?

I've tried a few open mics.

Oh, okay.

But they've just been general, you know, 8 to 15, 20 people crowds.

And I moved to Austin four or five months ago.

Did you stand-up?

No.

Oh.

No, I moved for work.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

Affordable housing, finance, develop.

So I.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow, okay.

All right, guys.

Oh, well, I never said that I was good at comedy.

It's okay.

I love these people.

We love you, Frankie.

It's okay.

It's all right.

Everybody's got to start somewhere, right?

That's right.

So tell us something interesting about your life that we might find funny.

You have an unbelievably, ridiculously powerful hairline.

You have no childhood trauma your parents are together

you there's nothing funny about you so far but we're trying to find it this is the part where I try to dig deep into your soul and figure out what might be funny about you so help me to understand what do you think might be something you've watched a lot of the show you've seen almost every episode you know how this part works give us some vulnerability or something because your hair is about to eat your eyebrows your life is so perfect you need this so not not at all that

there's just nothing happening.

There was two comedians up here.

Between the two of them, they had 15 personalities and you have zero.

And yet you stand there just like they did, holding the same mic that they did.

Help me find out what might be inside of there.

What do you got?

Anything?

I bet you just have a huge cock and everything, don't you?

You got two laptops, a Costco card, and when you come, you say, good gracious, don't you?

Exactly.

I couldn't have said it better myself, Elaine.

You fucking sexy.

You earned yourself a titty grab.

That's right.

Thank you.

So here's some character.

I moved to Texas, to Austin,

with a company in which.

You got to get to the point.

You got to fire up.

I moved here.

I resigned.

from the company

and I've been living Airbnb to Airbnb scouring deals for the past I don't know six months.

So I don't you work in affordable housing.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

So I am, as of right now, I manage rental houses that I accumulated through boo through college.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And so

I...

If you tell them to boo, they're definitely going to boo by God.

Rule number one is...

Don't tell them to boo.

This is a lot more fucking action than I got earlier.

You like the booze rather than silence?

Well, hell yeah.

I'm looking at all these people with smug faces and they're like

boo.

No, the problem is they were expecting jokes, and that's why.

It's not smug.

It's confusion and disdain and anger.

I asked you what might be funny about you and you start going on and on about how you're compiling Airbnbs in the city.

Let's try a little harder to find out what might be funny about you.

It's valid.

Have you ever sat on a whoopee cushion?

Or an old lady's face?

Yeah.

When you were in college at Ole Miss, how many sorority girls did you kill?

That's a good question.

That's a great question.

I would love to hear the answer to that.

Hotty-totty, huh?

Hotty-totty.

That's so dangerously accurate.

Yeah, no shit.

Is it?

The murder thing, I don't even think there was a murder

at Ole Miss, was there?

I don't know, you went to LSU.

Did you go to Ole Miss or LSU?

I went to the University of Alabama.

Wow.

Boo!

Oh, well, again,

don't say boo.

That can't be.

It's a great catchphrase.

It's not a good idea.

I have a legit catchphrase.

Not a great catchphrase at all.

You don't want to keep doing that.

Just make sure they let them initiate the boo.

Yeah.

You don't come back first.

Yeah, I have a legit question.

So comedy sometimes comes from laughing at yourself, right?

So is there something self-deprecating?

When Tony asks you what's funny about you, you started telling your fucking Wikipedia page.

Nobody gives a fuck.

So dig deep, think about something that you've done.

You go, God, that was embarrassing, but with a little perspective, would be funny.

Let me fucking finish.

To strangers.

You know what I'm saying?

So what something that you did was embarrassing.

Maybe you could go, oh, that's actually probably pretty funny to tell the stranger.

Understood.

I just, hold on.

There's a I just realized right now that there's a pregnant woman in the front row.

And I want to say that, Frankie, you might be worse than Tylenol for

an unborn baby.

Like, there's almost no doubt that that baby's going to be traumatized from this.

If we listen closely enough, I think you hear it.

I thought she was just queefing, but yeah.

I'll show you a queef, Samuel.

Oh, shit, let's do it.

Put it up to there.

Put it!

Put it up there.

Red Band, you better be ready for that.

Here we go.

Very.

Your husband.

Very good, Red Band.

That one.

That'll be $16.

All right.

I'm going to try one more time.

I can literally hear the internet right now going, why is this guy still on the fucking stage?

I can hear it.

I'm going to try one more time with you.

Give us something, some type of vulnerability.

What about your life or something about you might be funny?

Again, you have to be a little bit quicker.

If you give them a chance, they're going to do that.

They hate you.

They hate you.

And I know what it's like.

Look at me.

I'm unlikable too, but I fucking, I figured out ways.

I fucking, I fought it.

Tony, give that guy a joke.

There you go.

Pass it back.

He's right behind you.

There you go.

There's a little joke book.

You have to write, you suck dick, on the first page, though, because that is your big break.

Did you do that?

That's what you should do.

Do more of that.

That would be great.

Get him.

Thank you.

Get him back.

Attack him.

The guy that said, you suck dick, what do you have to say to him?

Come on, don't think about it.

Just go.

Let it rip.

Come on, get him.

Hurry up.

Say something, motherfucker.

Jesus Christ.

God damn it, dude.

This is unbelievable.

Hey, motherfucker.

I'm going to buy your house because I'm a rich white guy who gets away with everything.

Yeah.

I've never.

I've never.

I've never known pain in my entire life

I roll through life with perfect teeth and skin that a woman would kill for this is it I don't need this shit from you pig

This is it get in there

Dude fucking say it I'm a beat I got okay listen what I have to say say say something

You know, you know

Jesus.

Forgive me for smoking the guy from New York's weed that in the exodus.

Oh, now you're high?

Wait a minute.

Who would ever be high on this show?

I also just want to point out you do have like female scratch struggle lines on your hands and uh I just spent a 25-day outdoor solo tripping Idaho archery elk con.

Oh my god, everything about you.

But listen to me, because there is a fucking silver lining here, all right?

And I know you're used to a silver spoon, which is different.

But listen to me, if you're serious about this at all, at all, Take the major note that Sam Talent just gave.

If you're going to be the heel, motherfucker, lean into it.

Be that guy.

Go, I will buy your fucking, be that, be you, because it seems like that's who you are.

You're not silly, silly joke guy.

You're not dex with one-liners.

You're not Medina relating to what it's like being that type of person.

You're you.

So if you're a, you know, a guy with money that's all about business, well, that is what you are.

Well, then what, what are you?

That's just what I dressed like the unabombs.

Okay, I'm getting you out.

I gotta get you out of here.

I love it.

There you go.

I can't stand it.

I can't stand it.

Good luck.

Salute, indeed.

Put the mic in the mic, Stan.

Tony, would love to have you on.

It's Tony Hinchcliffe and French show coming out.

Red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man.

All right,

that guy sucked.

Yeah,

yeah.

He was also the scariest one, dude.

I'm right fucking here for Tennessee date raped.

Yeah.

He didn't have any punchlines, but his creepy disposition was awful.

We gave him every fucking chance.

What do you want?

All right.

I kissed the lane to save his fucking set.

And I've never been more alive.

Mike, get over here.

D-Madness, you would hate this.

What the fuck?

Give me some of that.

Oh,

my god.

Two to play your gay game, Samuel.

This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen.

And back to edit bucket.

We go.

All right.

This is a fun one, ladies and gentlemen.

This guy just moved to Austin very recently, a couple months ago.

I do believe he's been signing up for a while.

He used to work at the comedy store.

This should be fun.

Make some noise for a minute from Fang Chow, ladies and gentlemen.

Stop it.

That's not my language.

I speak English, okay?

Let's go.

In the middle of the pandemic, people start to hate Asians in this country.

A lot of bitch-ass Asians were scared.

My Chinese mother was one of them.

She called me up.

She goes, hey, Feng Chow, don't go outside.

It's dangerous.

I'm like, mom,

don't be a little bitch.

I'm not afraid of being Asian.

As a matter of fact, I've never been so proud of being Chinese.

Because Chinese people make number one virus, kill everybody.

Should have been everyone laughing

If you didn't laugh you might be the problem that this country is failing

I'm gonna call China after the show

I'll get China on the phone.

I'll be like yo assholes

Upgrade our virus

Thank you

Fang Chao, the pride of Beijing, China,

and Los Angeles, California, and now Austin, Texas.

Welcome to the show, Fang Chao.

Yes, sir.

You've been my Chinese friend for a while.

When did you start at the comedy store?

This is the real Fang Chao.

Yeah, I've been Tony's friend for a while, yeah.

No, you're a Chinese friend.

I asked you a question.

When did you start at the comedy store?

2015.

2015.

Amazing.

And it is true.

In 2021, there was this big Asian hate thing.

You remember this?

Yeah, hi.

Yeah.

I do.

Yeah.

And that's what he's talking about.

So interesting because there really wasn't Asian hate, as you remember, but the media kept saying that for some reason, the liberal-controlled media kept repeating it so many times over and over again.

And when they repeat something over and over and over again, people react to it.

And eventually it became a thing that Asian hate was a thing, you know.

But you're here saying that it wasn't a real thing, right?

Whatever.

I'm just being Asian.

I'm not afraid.

Hate me, yeah.

Well, I think that it's fair to say that America's healing when you see a Chinese guy doing Shane Gillis' arm.

So I like that.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

What's Shane Gillis' arm?

When you stand like this behind your back, like every typically white guy does on stage now.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

That Shane thing?

Bargatzi does it?

This was a Shane thing.

Yeah, that is too.

The hand.

And then this.

What does he have?

Everything?

What are we supposed to do with this extra hand?

Everything's a Shane thing now?

He does this.

Yeah.

You know?

Comedy.

Yeah.

That's Shane Gillis, too, right?

Elaine, you're so good at impressions.

Feng Chow, how's Texas been treating you?

Good.

Tell us about it.

Very good.

I love the people here.

I love the people, the food.

Comedy is here.

It's the mecca.

That's why I'm here.

You've been to Bucky yet?

I'm a real comedian, yes.

Yes.

Love it.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I love it.

Chopped cheese there is really good.

Gummy bear is very good.

Have you tried the Texas cheese steak burrito by any chance?

That's my go.

It's unbelievable.

Very good.

Fucking believable.

Yummy.

No doubt about it.

What else is going on, Fang Chow?

You got a girlfriend?

What's going on?

I do.

I do.

I do.

I do.

Beautiful lady.

I got a beautiful lady.

Smart, smarter than me.

I'm not afraid of smarter ladies in my life.

I'm an idiot.

I barely speak the language.

I need someone to guide my life.

Hello, lady.

Okay, very politically correct answers that I'm getting from you.

Anything crazy about your life that you want to share with the the people out here?

Anything

crazy?

Oh, bird flu.

Yeah,

okay.

Yeah, watch out, yeah.

Three people died in the front row.

I'm not sorry.

Your immune system is not my fucking problem.

Anything crazy?

I got stabbed during Asian hate.

There you go.

Let's talk about that.

That's kind of crazy.

Let's talk about that.

What exactly happened?

You were at a sushi restaurant and I fell down.

What happened exactly?

Tell us about this Asian hate.

I got stabbed by a next-door neighbor.

Okay, for what?

For being Chinese.

Okay, can you tell paint the picture a little bit for us there, super victim?

Okay, that's fair.

So what exactly happened?

You're welcome for the laughs.

They just came into your place and just go, you're just no, it's my next door neighbor in the middle of the pandemic.

We used to be cool.

We used to be cool.

And then he just started hating Chinese.

She?

He.

Okay, so when you got stabbed.

Yeah.

Tell us about that.

I came home from like a hike and then I was walking to my door and

I was talking to a lady next door to ask her to come to the store, watch me do stand-up trying to fuck.

The comedy store.

You were flirting with the lady?

Yeah, yeah, take always hard, different color than yours, but always hard.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Plenty of jizz.

Do you have to do the five-inch punch?

Just excited.

Yeah.

I want to hear about this.

So you're talking to a woman, and then the guy.

And then the guy's kitchen window is facing that lady's door.

And then I turn around, I heard him say fucking Chinese.

And then I'm like, all right,

no big deal.

I've known this guy for a while.

And then I came back on this side of the building.

He lives in the back.

And then I was walking to my door.

And he came out with a chair and something shiny.

It was like evening time.

Like,

I don't know for sure it's a knife.

And he threw the chair at me

and didn't hit me.

Because I'm fast, right?

Can't get hit by a chair.

Fucking rock star.

And then I was like, what the fuck is this about?

And he's like, you know what this is about.

And he was already charging at me.

White guy?

Yeah, white guy.

Really?

Yeah, and then he's like, you know exactly what this is about.

And he was already in my face.

And then I got to take a couple of stabs

on my chest.

Uh-huh.

Did you know you were alive?

I'm alive.

It's not that scary, okay?

Right, you're dead.

I got it.

You survived it.

I got it.

I'm here.

Were you ever attacked for being Chinese before this?

No.

And you haven't been attacked since?

I'm usually the attacker.

I understand.

People like to talk shit in this.

I understand.

Fucking beat their ass.

So do you think that

do you think that it's a coincidence that that happened then?

Or do you think that perhaps the media saying that there's Asian hate could create

the media saying Asian hate is not good for Asian.

It's not good for Asian hate.

For sure, yeah.

Right.

Exactly.

Yeah, fuck them.

They can cause a lot of the violence in the country, for example.

For sure.

Right.

So when they...

Yeah, they want to fucking brainwash all the people in the country and then they just like, oh yeah, you listen to me.

I'm like, no.

Right.

Because before that, it was mostly, what, the ninja turtles?

That was based on a true story, you know.

New York in the 80s was nuts.

You were there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Where did you get stabbed?

On my chest, like right here.

I got three stabs.

Three stabs?

And then I was like lucky enough.

I was fighting him and I got him under control.

And there were a couple comics living in my building.

I was just yelling.

Then they came out.

But three is good luck in your culture, right?

Yeah.

Six is good.

Oh, sorry.

Times two.

Three times two.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

I'll do the number joke.

What was your move?

It was the year of the rabbit, so he had a good luck charm, you know?

Foot.

Oh, yeah.

So is the guy in prison?

He did.

It was because of the pandemic.

Like, Al A County Jail is not holding anybody for that time.

Yeah, they didn't even prosecute the guy, right?

No.

Los Angeles, California, ladies and gentlemen.

Unbelievable.

What a shit city.

Yes, indeed.

Well, it's a state, but we'll move on from this.

Is there something about your defense mechanism?

Like, you said you fought back.

And I don't want to say you're a bad fighter because I've seen you fight online.

You're very good.

But what was your move?

What was your first move?

No, I was just trying to wrestle him out of my way.

Like he was already like stabbing me.

Like I can't.

No kung fu.

No, no, like.

Okay, that's not racist.

I've seen him do kung fu on YouTube.

Yeah, I was seeing the movies, right?

Yep.

Yeah.

Did you forget it?

I was just like trying to get him off me.

I was stabbing me.

I was just trying to like, and I tricked him.

Like, and then he was on the ground.

You tricked him?

You tripped him.

He was drunk, and then I kicked his leg, and then I tripped him.

Yeah.

You tricked him.

You were like, hey, look at that, psych.

Look at that Asian guy.

Here, try this Coca-Cola.

More than one Asian.

Psych is Pepsi.

Yeah.

Feng Chow, you're the fucking man.

Very interesting stuff.

I'm glad you moved to Texas.

Welcome, welcome.

Great stuff.

I'm out of big joke books right now.

We'll get you one later.

Thank you guys for watching.

It's a great Feng Chow, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

Very very interesting we're gonna keep it moving along you guys still having fun out there

Make some noise for Heidi everybody, you know, she has a brand new podcast Love on the line with our with the other great beauty Valerie Vaughn They're interviewing people.

It's fun.

It's two hot chicks.

Joe DeRosa was just on David Lucas Rampage Jackson love on the line if you like podcasts with fat tits That's the show to listen to.

Or you can watch Red Band do VR also if you like presenting.

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That's gofundme.com to start your fundraiser gofundme.com this is a commercial message brought to you by gofund me all right your next bucket pull goes by the name of patrick cassaday ladies and gentlemen patrick cassaday

mother ship what is up happy to be here

guys i want to talk about an important issue that's going on in america it's pretty controversial right now uh

you know what i'm talking about right

lesbian sex

These girls are doing it all wrong.

I saw one with a strap-on on, the other girl was on her knees sucking it, and the girl that was standing there was like, oh my god, it feels so good.

And I couldn't help but laugh.

I was just started laughing, right?

And while you're coming is not the best time to laugh, guys.

Wish I had a time machine, huh?

Speaking of time machines, Segway.

Why do people say, if I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and I'd kill baby Hitler?

That doesn't make any sense.

I mean,

why don't they just say I'd kidnap him and raise him right?

I don't.

I think these people are lazy.

I don't fucking know.

Speaking of Hitler, guys, he might be in heaven.

Yeah.

Yeah, seriously.

Because

if you just ask Jesus to forgive your sins right before you die.

Oh, that's my time, guys.

Thanks.

Oh, shit.

Damn.

Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen.

Patrick, how long you been on stand-up?

About a year almost.

About a year.

Talking to the microphone, Patrick.

Came out here last year to do the show

for about nine weeks, and that's what got me into comedy afterwards.

This is your second time on the show?

Yeah.

Okay.

What happened your first time on the show?

What did we find out about you that's interesting?

I came out here after my father passed away.

Okay.

Oh, what else?

You need to do comedy, and you're like, eh, because he died because he didn't want to see you do comedy?

And I was like, yeah, that was a good one.

But

that was what you gave me.

Patrick, are you inebriated right now?

Did you drink before this?

Did you have a drink?

No.

I mean, I had like a sip of a drink, but that's about it.

You had a sip of a drink?

My adrenaline's pumped right now.

Your adrenaline's pumped right now.

Have you been practicing?

Have you been doing

a lot?

Why don't you do another joke?

Why don't you do another joke?

Why don't you take a breath and do another joke?

Do something else.

Try something else.

Redemption song.

Anything else, Patrick?

Here he is.

Patrick Cassaday.

Guys, anybody ever walking on their parents having sex when they were younger?

27 times?

I came out here last year.

It was only 14 times.

I need to get my new place, I think.

All right, there you go.

Yeah, that's better.

And that's how it's done.

Yeah.

They want to like you, you know?

Yeah.

Patrick, tell us more about you.

What have you been doing since the last time on the show?

Well, my plan was to go back and sell my dad's mobile home and move back out here to do comedy.

I went back to Sacramento and I had a big Kill Tony party with all my friends.

They came and about half an hour after the show aired, I got a call

in the hospital and my mom died.

Oh my God.

So I know my comedy kills.

Was your mom watching perhaps?

No, she was past that stage, but she'd heard all those jokes before.

Well, that's good news.

You went back to Sacramento to sell your dad's mobile home because he had just passed away.

You have a party, a viewing party, and literally right after the party, you find out your mom passed away.

I literally went from the biggest high to the lowest low you could possibly pass.

What did your mom pass away from exactly?

Heart failure.

Red bed.

It feels like...

I'm a fan of that, I think, because that's how he's going to go, folks.

It feels like every time you do this show, something terrible happens in your life.

Kind of like, I want to call everybody and make sure they're all right after this.

Yeah, yeah, or just stop doing this.

If I'm killing, this could.

I mean, you are somewhat affable.

You've got special teams coach and Madden Energy.

All right, special

compliment.

Do you have any kids or anything?

No, no kids.

That's good.

Dwarves.

Yes,

no one left to die after this viewing party.

No one above me, no one below me.

So it's like, why aren't I even here?

Amazing.

Do you have a girlfriend or something, Patrick?

No, I got an ex-wife.

Okay, of course.

You're close with your ex-wife?

Yeah, we're best friends.

Oh, nice.

Okay, well, maybe she'll die when this episode ends.

What does she do for a living?

She does insurance.

What do you do for a living?

Actually, I'm looking for a job if anybody's hiring.

What are you good at?

Grim reaping?

Funeral homes are hiring.

Killing everyone he's ever loved.

Tough funnel resume.

That was funny, Sam.

Plug your Twitter.

Actually, I saw Sam last night.

I was sitting right there.

Yeah, yeah, you were lovely.

You were laughing really hard.

I'm loath to make fun of you.

What are you good at?

Let's try to get you a job.

What can you do?

What do you have experience in?

I used to manage a bunch of insurance offices.

I owned my own brokerage.

Was it life?

True insurance?

It was not.

That would have been good, right?

It would have been convenient.

Yeah, for sure.

I could have an example.

But

no, I'm hoping to get a job in comedy.

That's why I came out here.

I'm in the same RV.

I was in last year.

I've towed it out here.

Sold both mobile homes because I had to sell my mom's mobile home after she died.

Wow.

Shout out.

Now, when she cost me about

a bunch of money,

the funeral cost you a bunch of money?

Yeah.

Well, back-to-backs, you know, I was like, I wasn't expecting that.

Exactly.

Kind of went out all on dads.

Were they together still?

No, they actually lived together, but they've been divorced for 50 years.

Divorced for 50 years.

Meanwhile, they passed away right near each other.

Isn't that amazing?

Was it a gas leak?

Yeah.

They had separate mobile homes.

Unless he's the one releasing the gas.

Were there any pets around?

You know how Gene Hackman and his wife died and the dog was there too?

And everybody thought the dog died.

I thought the dog did it.

Did you ever hear about that?

No.

There were no pets around?

I didn't know Gene Hackman was dead yet.

Your mom.

Your life's just getting worse and worse.

Sorry, Gene Hackman's dead.

Forrest Gump funks genuine with AIDS, and Airbud can play football.

Elaine, how do you know about all this?

Google.

Wow.

Amazing.

I didn't know you knew how to Google.

Oh, I've got Wi-Fi everywhere.

Wow.

Even in my pussy, Redband.

Wow.

Glass shattering.

Seems to be that.

Stone Cold just came out?

Yeah.

It's a stone cold pussy.

God, God, I hope so.

Let's play some optimism games here, Patrick.

What type of job in comedy are you looking for?

Because being a former insurance broker doesn't really help.

It doesn't help at all.

I'm really looking to just get any entry-level job anywhere at a comedy club.

Just so

money's not just...

hammering out every month.

Right.

How much money do you have left right now?

I've got about 15 grand left in the bank.

15 grand left in the bank.

Well, my RV plus spot's like $1,600 a month.

Your RV spot is $1,600 a month.

About three going out every month.

Okay.

All right.

Well.

Plus, I spend

about $300 a month here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It takes years.

I mean, that's wild.

I do like that you're wearing a mothership.

You're wearing like the band shirt to the concert.

That's uh.

This is the first one I bought online, like when this

very tight.

What did you see last year?

Yeah.

Way tighter.

About 40 pounds lighter than it was last year.

Marzatal.

Congrats, man.

You say heavier?

Yeah.

All right.

This guy's excited.

There's some guy in the crowd that is taking control of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

Very good.

Let's pay attention up here, guys.

So, Patrick, any parting words before you leave?

I love this place, man.

Just keep doing it, Tony.

You keep doing it, buddy.

Don't stop.

Something's going to happen for you.

I know it.

I know.

Patrick Cassidy, Keep trying, Patrick.

Take chances.

You got to keep practicing so that you're less nervous next time.

That's the trick.

That's what you do it for.

All right.

Maybe don't do any crystal meth.

That'd be helpful.

Someone close to him is going to die.

I just want you to know that.

I don't think there's anyone left as that is.

No, he said he's the only one.

What's the fucking point?

That was one of his fun asides he had.

What did he say?

He said,

the only one left.

What's the fucking point?

Oh, shit.

we're gonna find out.

There might be an RV for sale in the next couple months.

This looks like a fun name.

Looks like a new name.

Make some noise for Big Chuck, everybody.

Here comes Big Chuck.

Hell yeah, dude.

What's going on?

I got a lot of inventions I've been working on lately.

My latest invention is a new breakfast cereal.

The working title is Oops, All Shrooms.

I like to eat shrooms for breakfast, dude.

It's pretty fun.

Yeah, it's working out.

I'm down a couple pounds and I'm up a couple IQ points.

So it's working, dude.

Hell yeah.

I eat shrooms for breakfast.

It makes your day a little weird.

You know, the other day I had shrooms for breakfast, forgot.

Ended up donating blood.

I was like, oh no, dude.

my blood's supposed to be going to help sick people, but some cancer kid is going for a ride, dude.

He's going to meet God a little sooner than he hoped.

Thank you.

All right.

55 seconds of eating shrooms in the morning material, ladies and gentlemen.

Chuck, welcome to the show.

You're not as big as I was hoping you would be with the name Big Chuck.

On this show, you're more of a medium.

Thanks, buddy.

Medium Chuck.

Welcome.

How old are you?

I'm 39.

39?

You don't look a day under 55.

It's incredible.

Welcome, welcome.

This is your first time on the show?

Yes, sir.

How long have you been on stand-up?

About two years, a little under two years.

Where at?

Reno, Nevada.

Wow, you were expecting a big response there.

You're the best.

Like he gets electrocuted when he answers a question.

Like he's going to levitate.

Reno, Nevada.

That makes sense.

What do you lack in punchlines?

You make up for in volume.

So that's fine.

Thank you.

There you go.

The biggest little comedian we've had on the show all day.

So what do you do for work, Big Chuck?

I do video and audio production.

I'm about to get laid off.

So I am open to doing a Mexican drum op for Red Band's job.

No.

Great.

Red Band's job.

There you go.

All right.

Big Chuck, are you married?

You have kids?

Yeah, I'm married.

I have a son.

He's eight years old.

And I have a dog, too.

What's his name?

The dog or the son?

Either one.

My...

Okay, goose.

Okay,

what's the dog's name?

You scream everything, and there's such an anticlimactic silence after.

I imagine us going out later, and you're like, well, going to another bar!

Fuck!

I love you.

Keep going.

What's the son's name?

I love the gray beard.

It looks like you went down on a lane before the show.

Yeah, dude.

Play your card right.

Must be why your breath smells like Red Bull right now.

Too soon.

All right.

Okay.

Here's a little joke book.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Great job.

Big chalk, everybody.

Big chuck.

It's a very, very interesting back side of the show.

The B side of this show is very interesting.

Well, this name looks promising.

Make some noise for Matthew Coffin, everybody.

Coffin.

I've got a major issue with people not getting fucking words right anymore these days.

I was watching Van Jones do this interview with these four black folks that voted for Trump.

And one of the gentlemen said, I like him because he's an asshole.

He says what he means and he means what he says.

And I'm like, that's not what a fucking asshole is.

We had a beautiful movie that came out years ago called Team America World Police, made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, that told us the difference between a dick and a pussy and an asshole.

Pussy wants to bitch and complain about everything and make everybody miserable.

An asshole wants to shit all over everything and ruin everybody's fucking lives and day.

But then you have the dicks who are willing to stand up and do the right fucking thing no matter what, no matter people like it or not.

And pussies and assholes hate dicks because dicks fuck pussies and assholes.

And Donald John Trump is the dick we hired to fuck the pussies and assholes.

And I love, love, love what he's doing with the Oval Office.

He's turning that shit into a modern-day fucking Piper's pit.

And I love it.

I'm just waiting for the day when these world leaders mouse off to him and he says, That's interesting.

Can you look over there for me?

And while they're bent over looking the other way, he turns over and picks up a fire extinguisher and shoves up the guy's ass and says,

All right,

there,

Matthew Coffin, a very interesting rally speech you just gave.

Let's talk about it.

How long you been doing stand-up?

July.

July.

Okay, good answer.

Where are you from?

I was kind of good to...

Delaware, sir.

Delaware.

Oh, Delaware.

Do you know your state representative?

Sadly.

You do?

You probably don't like it.

We always say, yo, he's from Pennsylvania.

He's not from fucking Delaware.

Who's that?

What are you talking about?

Yeah, we're talking about, you know, a lady named Medina?

Medina?

No.

She's probably on a list you have.

All right, look at that.

You see that red band?

Look at that little doggy up there.

Yeah.

That's adorable.

That's what makes you likable.

That's how you get the victims closer to you.

Amazing.

What do you do for work?

I just, I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid, and I just picked up doorman work over here at

Shakespeare's.

Okay, how long have you been doing that?

Just a few weeks now.

Nice.

What's the dog's name?

Look at that little cute name.

This is Lucius Fox.

Oh, my goodness.

Dog's name.

Is that dog name?

Adorable.

I don't know what I mean.

How long have you had her for?

He.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Ew.

Hey,

fuck.

Welcome back to Don't Do That Again.

How dare you misgender my dog?

I'm going to touch his penis.

And then expose it to the whole crowd.

Cameras.

It's always a smart move to bring a cute distraction on stage.

Yeah.

That's good.

And then never address it.

Yeah.

That's fun.

He just goes wherever I go.

I love it.

His bed's my bed.

It's been quite a journey.

He works with you at Shakespeare's?

Yep, he works the front door with me.

I love it.

They're wonderful people over there.

Yes, they are.

We love Shakespeare's.

Okay, so tell us about your life, Matthew.

Tell us some crazy shit about yourself.

Well, that's what I was wondering where you wanted to start.

And I was like, well, I guess the beginning is the best bet.

I cracked my head open and ripped my lip off my face before I had heart surgery at two years old.

Wow.

Okay.

I was really.

Stars to prove it.

Sorry, sir.

What?

That's crazy.

Ma'am.

Elaine.

Go ahead.

It's fine.

Don't misgender Elaine.

Yeah, you want to go.

You're all touch her pussy.

What was the heart surgery for?

What was the condition?

It was a birth defect.

And it was funny because my dad was on the phone, my biological dad was on the phone with my mom while she was pregnant with me.

And he said, oh, nobody in my family has any heart problems.

And he hung up the phone.

But basically, it was a blockage between the first and second chamber that made it so enough blood couldn't transfer through to the next chamber.

And it was making my heart swell to where it could have exploded.

But there was also a hole in my heart the size of a quarter in the fourth chamber and allowed enough blood to drain out of it so it didn't explode.

Wait, did a doctor say that if you don't get this done with, your son is going to explode?

It's pretty bad.

There was actually another girl, a little Indian

mother and her child were in there and had the same condition as me, and she didn't make it.

My mom had to console the lady.

It was pretty rough.

But it was actually

kind of spike in the football.

And

I don't actually have this memory, but my mom told me very explicitly, like, it's been a pretty emotional couple months, but she had to explain to me, she was like, yeah, you've always liked wrestling.

She was like, you had this fucking IV thing in your neck in the lobby.

And I said, look, honey, Hulk Hogan's on TV.

And she said, I turned my head so fast the IV popped out of my neck and blood's just squirting out on the floor and people are cleaning it up.

And I'm just like, Hulk Hogan.

You know, a lot of people have a different idea of a fun story than I do.

Everyone who comes up here is like, oh, here's a fun anecdote I tell at dinner parties.

There was blood everywhere.

Tell us about your adult life.

Anything crazy happened then?

Well, if you want to move a little further, if you want to skip to my virginity, when the girl ran away from Colorado on a greyhound to come see me in Delaware and her dad got there before she did.

Yes.

Okay, what did dad do?

Oh, he got he was like, he saw me working at the Shave Ice stand, getting ready to make some milkshakes and shit.

And he was like, oh, I see you're a nice looking young gentleman.

I can see why she came out here for you.

It was actually pretty cool.

They were Buddhist.

They were actually very like peace, praying, humble, bumble, like Buddha, Buddhist.

Did you end up fucking the girl?

Yeah, that night.

All right.

Dad.

And, and, and I earned my red mustache and and red wings on the first turn.

Okay, see what I mean?

What the fuck?

This is what I'm talking about.

My goodness.

I have a question.

Why is your tongue bright blue?

Can you stick your tongue out and expose why the fuck your tongue is bright blue?

It's true.

Has no one seen that?

Well, Joe Rogan and you guys had to make a mecca for maniacs and then Alex Jones got us all hooked on methylene blue and now here we all are.

Sure, that's not fruit stripe dumb?

That's

wait, don't you?

Maybe this is a Veruka salt thing.

You're turning violet, Violet.

That's my favorite scene in that movie.

Yeah.

Well, didn't she also almost explode?

Whoa.

You don't happen to love blueberries, do you?

It's okay.

We'll edit this out.

I thought Tony said I didn't hear you.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

No, I didn't get a chance to.

Snap.

So let's talk about now.

What are your goals now?

Well, you're working in Shakespeare's.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

That's a hard hat.

So for those of you that don't know.

I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid.

There's a shell inside of his baseball hat that is hard because of the trauma to your head?

Yeah,

I was actually wearing this.

I worked at the last job I had in Delaware, like job 45 or whatever, was a union job.

And I was up on the mezzanine, so a floor between the floor, and I was up near the steer girders.

The conveyor belt jammed.

I got up on the conveyor belt, unjammed it, released it.

Now I'm on a moving conveyor belt.

It ran the back of my head into a steel girder.

I knocked me cross-eyed.

I started throwing up and stuff.

Like, it was pretty wild.

And the methylene blew, actually, not the like really, but it actually kind of helped with the post-concussion.

Absolutely.

Sam Talon.

Do you have any stories that don't involve a traumatic wound?

Yeah.

Like, you ever had a nice story?

I used to.

You ever been a knots barry?

I've had my time, my little bit of time of hanging out and getting to know some people.

I was trained by Van Hammer and Dammit Devitt, corporal punishment, and I trained as a professional wrestler starting at the age of 14.

Okay.

And how bad did you get hurt?

Huh?

Did you fucking cut a toe off and there was blood everywhere?

There's some scars from that and stuff and some head trauma stuff, but mostly probably emotional damage.

But

it was my fault.

I burned bridges and screwed things up.

But I was a kid.

I was young and children.

Let's check in with Elaine here.

I have a great question.

I just won't be wasting anyone's time.

You talk fast and you're somewhat articulate for being such a fucking spazoid.

I'm sorry.

No,

you're very likable.

You're likable, and I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through.

We get to just fuck around and make poo-poo jokes, and you've been through some shit doing real jobs.

So thank you for your service.

But also, you said 48 jobs.

Could you name all 48?

Nope.

He can't.

Here's a little joke book.

There you go, buddy.

There he goes.

Matthew Coffin, everybody.

But could he?

If somebody asked him for that,

he can't.

I know for tonight.

No.

How about one more time for Lucius Fox, ladies and gentlemen?

Lucius.

Adorable dog.

All right, one more bucket pull.

We know this guy.

He's hilarious.

He works here.

Make some noise for Law Coger, everybody.

Law Coger.

Yo, yo, yo.

All right.

So I meditate a lot, you guys.

So here are some thoughts I've had while meditating.

Do real plants look at fake plants

and think,

why is this nigga not breathing?

Yeah, here's another thought.

It seems like a waste of earth to bury Midget six feet deep.

Like six feet?

Bury that little nigga in a mailbox or something.

Yeah, I've also noticed that job interviewers will ask you what's your biggest weakness

Then be surprised when you say big titties

like come on you asked

humongo mommy milkers

are my biggest weakness

all right so a lot of white people in here

exactly one minute from the great law coger

you

Always amazing, always impressive.

So glad we got you out of the bucket.

How have you been refreshing?

Yes, very amazing.

Appreciate it.

How's it going, Law?

Cool, man.

Just, you know, trying not to go crazy.

You know what I'm saying?

Why?

What's going on?

What's happening in your room?

Bitch is just fucking with me, man.

Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about the hoes.

Yeah, bro.

What are they doing?

They're behaving badly?

Yeah.

A bunch of misbehaving hoes.

Misbehaving bitches, bro.

Misbehaving bitches.

I don't get it, man.

Tell us about it.

I just keep running into like non-monogamous, like, polyamorous bitches.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yes.

You mean

whores?

Right.

Yes, absolutely.

How do you keep running into them?

I'm a whore, man.

I love it.

I love it.

I'll be trying fucked.

What?

That's right.

Shut your bitch ass.

Oh, my God.

He said, real, recognize, real?

Just an old white teeth.

Hey, my friend.

Hey, time for me to connect with one of the homies.

Real recognize real.

This fucking guy.

Crazy.

I didn't see him until you moved.

Crazy.

That's Freddie Magoo's dad.

Tell us about it.

What's up with these polyamorous fucking pot pies out there?

Tell us about it.

Pot pies is crazy.

Yep.

Warm on the inside, crusty on the outside.

Whoa!

I don't know.

I'm just riffing.

It's no big deal, people.

I'm describing my love life.

I thought Pope Pie.

Pope Pies.

Yeah,

it's just a lot of it, man.

Just

going on dates.

You know, I fall in love after the first fuck.

Yeah.

And

go on.

Just me?

All right, whatever.

No, man.

Real respect's real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Oh, he's putting up the one fist now, everybody.

The white guy.

Oh, two fists.

Oh, the double jerk off.

Love him a pie pie.

Yeah.

Elaine, go ahead.

What is the oldest hoe that you've been with?

There you go.

Right now, 46.

Well, I got a new one.

You're looking to break that record?

77.

You want to let me put my Ouija board on your chocolate slipping slide?

Hey, man, I'll try anything once.

Are you into women with big hands and an unbelievable amount of arm hair?

Look at this.

I was told specifically you wouldn't do that tonight.

Adam Egan assured me you would not pull my left sleeve up that far.

I mean, it is a lot of arm hair, Elaine.

I eat my vitamin.

Elaine, do you tie a lot of knots?

Your forearms are huge.

Yeah, what kind of workouts are you doing?

Your shoulders are massive.

Tread is pickleball.

Mind your own fucking business.

Pickleball is good.

Power knitting.

Law, where can people find you?

You are truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Give yourself a little plug.

What's your Instagram or website or podcast or anything?

Go ahead.

Yeah, Instagram is Deadpan Law.

On Instagram.

YouTube, Law Coger, Deadpan Law.

You know what I mean?

Yep.

Well, which one is it?

Deadpan Law.

Deadpan Law.

D-E-A-D-P-A-N-L-A-W.

They got that part, yep.

You were We'll be back on the secret show Thursday, Law.

Boom.

Back on the secret show.

You already have a big joke book.

You want another one?

Boom.

There's a law.

Law, everybody.

Boom.

Appreciate it.

What an episode indeed.

There are so many different levels.

So many highs and lows and personalities and traumatizing stories.

And some people with no trauma at all.

It's been a very compelling episode.

And for me, there's only one way to end an episode like this, and that is with who some people call

the

Cubano killer, the Memphis strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the plastic

puppet,

the

Duke of Dietary.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

I met a guy at the airport who told me he used to do comedy and I said, oh, were you pretty good?

And he said, yeah, I almost went viral.

Wait, how do you almost go viral?

That's like me saying I almost got AIDS.

Pro tip, when you get off a plane and walk out of the gate and the people are staring at you waiting to get on, loudly into your phone I've never seen so many spiders on a plane in my life

a Princeton grad student has been released from Iraq after 900 days in captivity damn how long was that thesis

Growing up, I was told I should be a doctor because my handwriting was so bad.

And signing settlement checks to harass nurses.

I was like a motherfucking nasty Dooker-y hauser.

Dooker has, okay.

That's my time.

Exactly one minute from the man with the most appearances on the show, the most interviews on the show, the living, reigning, defending Hall of Famer who just keeps adding on to his resume.

William Lights Out Thunderfuck Montgomery.

Absolutely incredible.

How are you?

So nice to be here.

Fantastic.

I'm having the best time, and I'm so excited to see you.

It always brings me an incredible amount of joy.

You're so sweet.

Stop.

Absolutely.

Stop.

William, tell us about your life.

How's it going?

Oh, my gosh.

I was in Tacoma this past weekend.

It was a whole bunch of fun.

And Tony, it made me realize I have a joke that I've been telling now for a while.

Unless atheists start having potluck dinners, I think I'll stick with Christianity.

And it got a weird kind of response in the crowd.

And I was like, what do we have a bunch of fucking atheists in the crowd?

And this one girl, especially, was very loud.

And I got into this very long discussion with her.

Luckily, people were laughing the whole time, but I was just telling her, I mean, you don't really know.

I don't really know.

It's a leap of faith you have to take.

I mean, why are you going for this horrible, dark part?

Why would you want to maybe go to hell?

That seems so incredibly foolish of you.

And I just kept on.

So it made me think I maybe need to get into preaching, Tony.

I think I've maybe.

I think the Lord has been tugging at my heart.

Yeah.

And I think I might have to do that.

No doubt about it.

It happens.

You know, it's good for people to find something to believe in.

And I just want to try to save Red Band at some point because that guy's soul is so incredibly lost with his weird little glasses.

What do you like to record on that, Red Band?

I see you got the little glasses that record shit.

Play a bunch of bathrooms.

Probably bathrooms.

Put the glasses.

Yeah, fucking put your face.

Fucking part of the stall.

You can see the girls changing.

That's what you told me the other day.

Why are you acting like an idiot?

Yeah, he's looking at fucking naked chicks in the mall, changing.

He's nasty.

Yeah, dude, you're going to get sued.

You're going to get in trouble.

Is this true?

You've been going to the mall, Red Bad.

He's going to go.

He's been sued.

Yeah, he's been going to the fucking

down the street.

Straying away from the orange Julius at the mall.

Come to mention it, I do remember changing in the Nordstrom Rec and hearing a guy outside going,

Sam talent.

Hey.

Yeah.

Hey, you look good.

Well, you do too.

Sam, I've been seeing pictures.

Yeah.

You look wonderful.

Thanks, man.

Right back at you.

Look at these fucking arms.

You look solid.

I'm trying.

I went over 1,200 fucking miles since Jane.

You guys.

Today, which that feels good.

So it has been wonderful.

I'm looking at you two next to each other.

You two both at some points looked just like a lot of the stories that we heard here tonight.

Multiple heart attacks, possibly right around the corner.

Hopefully my wife does it to me, though.

Yeah.

That'd be preferable.

And there you are.

You've lost, between the two of you, more weight than I am.

And it's incredible.

Yeah, I lost 60 pounds.

Yeah.

Damn.

That's wonderful.

Thank you, man.

That's great.

William, tell us more about your life, man.

This is incredible.

The people want to know.

It's a wet hand, buddy.

That's a really handy.

I have a really wet, cold hand.

For anybody who ever wondered about my hands, they're really cold and wet all the time.

Oh, that I can actually see it glistening on that.

It is soaking wet.

That is

shaking.

It's this this aurbal blister from the row machine.

It's this nasty looking.

There's one of these on red.

Oh, it's penis.

Literally.

Wow.

I swear to God, look at that thing.

Yeah, it looks like a weird.

Do you see that?

Yeah,

I got something similar in between my thighs.

I'll send you a link.

William, you look like the ringmaster for a flea circus.

Anybody ever tell you that?

I love that.

Have you been to the circus, though?

Because

you go outside a lot, you go to fun stuff.

But what do you do when you're on the road and you have some time to kill for yourself?

I will walk around.

I'll smoke some weed and listen to some music and walk around.

I do that a lot.

And there are people like, whoa, it's pennywise.

Well, I have this, some sweet Australian person send me a hat with a whole face guard and everything, so I'm all face guarded up, and that helps with the sun.

It also helps with

nobody does that.

No one.

No one else alive does that.

Yeah.

It's a good signature look.

But yeah, tony everything's yeah everything's fine you do seem a little extra moist tonight your hands are wet i can see your armpits have a giant wet spot

dear god perhaps that is not the right shirt to wear when you're suffering from an unfortunate it's been horrible like in tacoma my whole shirt after one show my whole shirt is soaked through with sweat because i think i sweat so much every day with the row machine that now i just sweat the floodgates are open so i think it's good i think it adds sort of drama to what's going on up there no doubt about of it.

Coming off.

What are some other things that make you sweat in life, William?

Oh my gosh, watching a good movie with a loved one?

Wow.

What else, William?

What makes you sweat in life?

You're so close to me.

What makes William Montgomery sweat?

The world wants to know.

I'm getting in my ear.

Yep, they want to know.

What makes the great Billy Boy McGumballs sweat?

What makes me sweat?

Probably meet it, like maybe

meeting somebody.

Meeting somebody for the first time.

Wow.

Yeah, that'll make me sweat every time.

I think everyone thought it was going to be something big, including the horn section.

It was just a normal human response.

Yeah, you've been like talking to somebody or whatever, and you made it, and it's like, gosh, that would make me.

Dude,

I met Triple H and Stephanie McMahon this weekend.

And I said to be on me because of Tony, who was nice enough to send them to the shows, and I met Triple H and I was like, oh man, my entire life I've been a fan.

It's lovely to meet you.

And then to Stephanie McMahon, I said, my entire life.

So I blew it too, you know?

Yeah.

It's scary meeting people.

What the fuck does my entire life mean?

Yeah, what were you thinking?

I don't know, but I've been thinking about it since.

Yeah, non-stop.

Yeah.

My entire life.

It's almost unbelievable.

Yeah, You did mess up.

It's unfathomably stupid.

Yes.

I met Lark Voorhees at a Hudson News once.

Oh, the Lark?

Huge bitch.

That's it.

Not every story is going to crush tonight.

William?

Yeah.

It is so good to see it.

Does the sweating thing bother the fans or do they take it as like a sign of like you're working hard for them?

I don't know.

Good question.

I have no idea.

That is a good question.

What else makes you sweat, William?

Maybe eating Cheetos in my bed at night.

Yep.

Ooh.

I ate a bunch on Saturday.

Wow.

Because I'm trying to stay kind of slim for the Romans.

You just want to sit on my lap, bro?

Come in.

What

feel comfortable?

I love you.

Yeah, you're good.

I feel comfortable around you.

I love being around you, man.

Why don't you do that?

Why don't you sit on Sam's lap for a second?

Elaine had a big announcement that she wanted to make.

Elaine, you want to do it?

I have a big announcement.

First of all, how great was tonight's program?

Was it not one of the first time you're going to be able to do that?

Well, I know we're not ending it yet.

I know.

You just want to do that because people watching might turn it off right now before you make that big announcement.

I just wanted to give a shout out.

My big announcement is...

I'll end the show when he's going to be a little bit more.

I just want to say, I just want to show you.

It seems very hosty.

Has anyone ever told you that?

Seems like you do a lot of hosting of your own shows.

Like, I mean, I see this, like, Dr.

Phil show very popular on YouTube, on Netflix.

It almost seems like you're kind of like that guy.

Elaine, why don't you make your big announcement?

My big announcement is I found my car keys.

I'm cancer-free, and William is having my baby.

And I'd actually, William, William got me pregnant about six weeks ago.

It was six weeks ago.

Six weeks ago, and I have a little

New York up at the Big Waterfall.

Up at the Big Waterfall.

Are you guys talking about me?

I had your fall.

Yep.

Amazing.

Took her fucking ass up there.

It was very nice.

I was talking about sweating before something, before I met your fucking ass.

We did your favorite position.

Yep.

Where I get up behind you in the bathtub.

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

Which I suggested just regular up against the fridge, but all of a sudden we're buck naked in the tub.

So, tomato tomato Ray Romano.

So it's happening.

So you're literally, you haven't told me about it.

I have a song that I wanted to sing to you that is something that's near and near to my heart.

Why don't you stand up and do it over there?

You got songs slide down.

Don't you?

And if you know the words, sing along.

Hit me, babe.

Slide down, Mike.

William, give her.

There you go.

Give her your mic, mic, William.

I'm gonna take this one.

I'm gonna take this one.

I got you, buddy.

There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, the legend.

Hall of Famer Elaine, everybody.

I've traveled the world.

I've seen everything.

Come on, but tonight

will be the greatest night of my life.

It has to be.

Well, we've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks.

And that fat guy almost had a heart attack tonight.

But that's what you get

when you sign up for Kill Tony.

You try your best.

You hope that on your side is luck.

And if you struck out, go back home

and call me for a tiny bump.

Call me for a tiny bud.

Everybody, call me for a titty bud.

Just a good winner.

Just a rogue.

Call me for a titty bar.

Just a white man.

Can't call me for a titty bot.

You have my number, call me back.

I'm in the back top.

I'm gonna give birth to a little clown.

Wow, Elaine, ladies and gentlemen.

How about one more time for the great William Montgomery?

This show brought to you by ExpressVPN, Shopify, and Bridespick.

Sam Talent is going to Royal Oak, Michigan, Vermont, and Denver Comedy Comedy Works over Thanksgiving weekend.

Sam?

Yeah.

Thank you.

SamTalent.com.

It's an honor.com.

My entire life.

Comedy.com.

He's the co-host, wanted host of co-host wanted.

It's all over YouTube.

He's going to Fort Worth, Texas, Maine.

Get tickets at MikeVeenyComedy.com.

Elaine,

what can I say?

Plug yourself.

Tell them all about what you're working on.

Guys, my grandson, Adam Ray, is doing the final Dr.

Phil Live in Los Angeles Angeles on December 16th.

And then he just launched a huge theater tour for next January through April.

Vegas, New York, Boston, Denver, Portland, Seattle, AdamRayComedy.com.

I love you guys.

Support her grandson, AdamRayComedy.com.

Literally, one of the biggest stars to ever come out of this show.

Dr.

Phil, Elaine, Jeremy, Tony Hinchcliffe, Adam Ray, full of surprises.

Your grandson is amazing.

We love him.

Literally like the greatest thing that ever happened to the show.

You're unbelievable.

One more time for Elaine, everybody.

The drawing from Ryan J.

Ebel is in.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Whoa, Timmy, no breaks.

Look out.

Red Dan.

Check out the SunsetStripATX.com.

Lovely.

Tickets, a few tickets are still available for the arena New Year's Eve here.

So for those of you complaining that you can never get tickets to kill Kiltoni, this is your only chance.

I'm also doing stand-up in an arena in Salt Lake City.

What can go wrong in Utah in an arena November 1st?

Yikes.

So much fun.

We love you guys.

God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Call me for a titty bum.

Call me for a titty bum.

Calling for a kitty bar

Calling for a city far

Calling for a city bar

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

With Sikasso, there's a moment when the world stops rushing, when when you realize you're exactly where you belong.

It might be watching the sunrise paint the Himalayas gold or sharing wine with a family in Tuscany.

These are invitations to discover who you become when you arrive.

Zicaso led you here.

With life-enriching travel designed exclusively for you, discoverzikaso.com.

And I need it more

I can't wait to bed and the smell never leaves

I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark The sweet deck short smells like a dark barny rinse it tonight Downy rinse fights stubborn odors in just one wash when impossible odors get stuck in