#739 - ELAINE + SAM TALLENT + MIKE FEENEY

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 5 Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Get up for Tony.

Speaker 3 It's clay.

Speaker 7 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 8 Make some fucking noise for Brian Redband.

Speaker 4 Welcome!

Speaker 10 And have a one more time for the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anachos Belgrande, the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees, the leader of the band on the keys.

Speaker 15 And believe it or not, live in the flesh, this is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 Oh

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Speaker 36 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 37 How many of you consider yourselves big fans of Kill Tony?

Speaker 39 Well, you're in for a special treat.

Speaker 25 Every week I book this Mamma Jama as good as I possibly can.

Speaker 31 This is a three panel night.

Speaker 24 Three fucking panelists.

Speaker 18 You guys are in for such a special treat as I introduce Elaine, Sam Talent, and Mike Feeney.

Speaker 18 Oh my God.

Speaker 46 Sam Talent, Mike Feeney,

Speaker 46 and Elaine.

Speaker 10 Elaine is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 44 She looks awfully familiar, looks like a Hall of Famer, a guest of the year, reigning, defending.

Speaker 48 She's a sweet lady.

Speaker 30 Comedy Mothership, how we doing? Make some fucking noise. It was Jail Don't say.

Speaker 49 I can't hear you. Make some fucking noise.

Speaker 30 Let me just say this real quick. Tony, good to see you.
You still look hungry. Red Ben, you look like you drowned two weeks ago.
I'm staying at a La Quinta Inn just down the street.

Speaker 30 My friend Tony Garuso got me a hookup on the room. But let me say this about the hotel.
There's blood on the sheets. There's cum on the floor.
And stay with me. No breakfast.
Hit me, Mike.

Speaker 30 Let's get it going.

Speaker 10 Elena's here, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, looking an awfully...

Speaker 50 an awful lot like one of the greatest guests in the history of the show.

Speaker 55 Mike Feeney is here, ladies and gentlemen, sandwiched in between two of the greatest guests ever.

Speaker 57 A sweet, sweet man, Mike Feeney.

Speaker 58 Excited to be back. I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready for the best fucking night of my life.

Speaker 42 How about you? There you go.

Speaker 59 Mike Feeney gets it.

Speaker 25 And another multiple-time freak of nature guest, one of the highest-ranked guests in the history of the show, one of the smartest people, one of the greatest stand-up comedians in the world.

Speaker 19 Sam Talent is here.

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 I mean, I was was going to talk about staying at the La Quinta and say I was ready for the greatest night of my fucking life, but

Speaker 32 here we are. So

Speaker 5 I'm also happy to be here, and it's truly a pleasure to meet you, Elaine.

Speaker 30 I'll say I've been following you on Facebook since January 6th, and you've been making a lot of great posts.

Speaker 62 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, someone's got to say something now that Charlie's gone, you know?

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Speaker 30 Yeah, let's cut to a commercial.

Speaker 30 Where's Dr. Phil Benadina?

Speaker 64 This is so exciting to have you guys.

Speaker 69 You guys all been on the show before, you know how it works, but maybe somebody brought their liberal girlfriend tonight to the show, and they might not know exactly what's going on.

Speaker 67 Over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to possibly get one minute of stand-up comedy on this stage so that they can show off to the millions of viewers at home.

Speaker 40 They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 25 They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry bust Hollywood bear.

Speaker 23 And then I conduct an interview with them and they get feedback from this amazing, esteemed panel of geniuses.

Speaker 31 And anything can happen.

Speaker 50 The whole thing is improvised.

Speaker 25 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 17 So, here's the deal.

Speaker 11 Starting tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner from the great country of Canada, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 54 He just won.

Speaker 41 His last appearance was on the Netflix episode where he won a four-person immediate

Speaker 41 immediate killer be killed turbo round to do the arena here in Austin Texas on New Year's Eve so it's been a while since we've seen him this is a brand new minute from Danny Martinello ladies and gentlemen makes the noise for Danny

Speaker 73 I was out in New York City and while I was there a couple of my buddies wanted to go on like a rap tour to see where all like the Brooklyn rappers grew up up.

Speaker 73 So we went there and while we were walking around, my buddy goes, hey, man, wouldn't it be sick if we had a time machine right now? I said, why?

Speaker 73 And he goes, because then we could go back in time and then be part of the culture when they were alive and walk around the same footsteps as they did.

Speaker 73 I was like,

Speaker 73 yeah, I'm all right on that, dude, to be honest. You know, just as a white guy from Canada, I'm not going back to a Brooklyn ghetto in the late 80s to get robbed at gunpoint, you know?

Speaker 73 And then his wife pipes up and she goes, yeah, well, you guys are stupid and you would use a time machine for something dumb like that.

Speaker 73 And I said, well, what would you use it for right she goes well I'd probably make a difference in the world I'd use my education to advance civilization I said oh that's great but what would you do she goes well I'd go back in time to the 1400s and teach people modern medicine back then

Speaker 73 I had to look at her and go at what point do you think a man would ever listen to you in the 1400s

Speaker 73 Let alone take a medical intervention? You know, they'd be like, oh, you have a cure for my ailment?

Speaker 75 Well, see if you float.

Speaker 59 That's exactly what they would do.

Speaker 49 One word, they'd be like, get her, boys, the bitch is a witch.

Speaker 3 Yeah?

Speaker 73 Thank you. One person liked it.

Speaker 38 Danny Martinello.

Speaker 11 Welcome back, Danny.

Speaker 16 How are you?

Speaker 73 I'm doing pretty good. Thanks, Tony.

Speaker 40 What's been going on in life?

Speaker 76 Has your life changed at all since being on Netflix's Kill Tone?

Speaker 56 No, no.

Speaker 73 Well, yeah, sort of, yeah, but nothing too crazy. Some doors have opened for sure.

Speaker 51 What kind of doors have opened?

Speaker 79 Well, you know,

Speaker 73 well, you know, the front door, the back door, and the side of the shed, too.

Speaker 11 These fucking Canadians, I'll tell you, they can't help themselves.

Speaker 73 Well, it's great to be Canadian here because as soon as I walk in, all you guys start talking like me, so it's pretty welcoming.

Speaker 57 Well, it's kind of contagious, it gets airborne in anybody.

Speaker 74 Wow, Tony, absolutely beautiful impression.

Speaker 81 That's absolutely

Speaker 42 you cannot hide your disgusting Canadian twang.

Speaker 30 Yeah, I do like your accent. Say the word toilet for me.
Toilet. Hilarious.

Speaker 36 Sam Talon, what do you think about this, man?

Speaker 5 It's just fun to hear a Canadian guy be racist, you know?

Speaker 5 Because really the accent belies, you know, the things you're saying, which is a nice, charming trick to use up there.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 5 You know, it's like, oh, black people are dangerous.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 64 They say they're locked their car doors.

Speaker 73 There's a lot of them coming to town lately. All right.
Well, that was a hard no from you guys.

Speaker 73 It's sick when Sam does it, but when I hear you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 5 Well, it's because I'm faking it.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 11 it's an impression very funny

Speaker 30 very funny Elaine you ever been to Canada I have been to uh I went to a Toronto Blue Jays game I used to uh let Joe Carter titty fuck me in the 90s wow shout out to Joseph wherever he is

Speaker 30 they've got great poutine up there poutine have you ever had poutine

Speaker 75 yeah yeah

Speaker 32 unbelievable it's fucking Canadian your impression was better than Tony's

Speaker 30 well easy easy I want to come back. I want to come back.

Speaker 50 He's an amazing impression.

Speaker 63 I mean, she is an amazing impressionist.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 No one's better than Elaine.

Speaker 30 We're really doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 24 Yeah, Elaine.

Speaker 24 That sounds familiar.

Speaker 30 Come on, I've seen the show.

Speaker 42 I've seen it.

Speaker 89 You watch the show?

Speaker 30 Oh, yeah. Every night when I play with Mike.

Speaker 89 Who are your favorite guys?

Speaker 30 Oh, I like that Estonian guy. I like the black guy.
I like the Asian guy. There's the wheelchair girl.
She's fun.

Speaker 30 Boy, I don't know.

Speaker 29 Oh, boy.

Speaker 90 Can you narrow it down?

Speaker 30 Harlan Williams, a fellow Canadian, he's a funny guy.

Speaker 73 Yes, yes, he is.

Speaker 30 Who was your hero growing up, Daniel?

Speaker 74 Probably like,

Speaker 73 I don't know, dude. I really liked Steve Irwin, I'm not going to lie, when I grow up.

Speaker 2 I did.

Speaker 73 No, my mom let me stay home and the stingray got him and I watched the funeral service. I cried for two days.
It was tough.

Speaker 16 That is some Canadian bullshit, if I've ever heard it.

Speaker 91 My hero was Steve Irwin.

Speaker 30 Yeah. Yeah, how come it wasn't Rick Moranis?

Speaker 73 I don't know. Joey Moss was pretty sick, too, growing up watching him.

Speaker 29 Who the fuck is that?

Speaker 73 Joey Moss was the equipment manager for the Edmonton Oilers.

Speaker 73 He was Wayne Gretzky's girlfriend at the time.

Speaker 73 Well, like, brother, sorry. And then he became the equipment manager, but then he was a staple in the Edmonton scene, and he's just a good positive person.

Speaker 5 It's so funny how little your culture touches us.

Speaker 5 That guy's probably on a fucking stamp up there.

Speaker 82 And I'm like, oh, what did he do?

Speaker 5 He fucking banged Wayne Gretzky.

Speaker 92 Oh, I don't know. And then you go,

Speaker 73 well, you got like Terry Fox and shit, but like all the...

Speaker 58 Wait, the Terry Fox?

Speaker 14 Terry Fox, yeah.

Speaker 59 You ran out of the shoe. I have no idea who that is.

Speaker 59 Well, you guys are asking me about Canada.

Speaker 73 You guys don't even know, but it's whatever.

Speaker 84 Oh, we don't even know.

Speaker 59 We don't even know.

Speaker 73 This is what you've been waiting for. The whole time, Tony's just been lighting me up, being like, one day I will really get you.

Speaker 88 And this is it.

Speaker 5 When he says that, is he talking through a Trake scar?

Speaker 84 Yeah, he is.

Speaker 87 Smoking a cigarette.

Speaker 27 He's like, you ain't going to get it one day.

Speaker 59 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 30 You watch that. You're gonna have one of those one day.

Speaker 29 Whoa. All right.

Speaker 30 So you have a lot of friends with tracheotomies.

Speaker 6 You do?

Speaker 30 Most of my friends have. Well, most of my friends are dead or have AIDS, but most of them that are alive have tracheotomies because we smoke a lot.
I love to smoke. I see you smoke.

Speaker 30 The spark went up, bitch.

Speaker 96 All right, we're going to, Elaine.

Speaker 22 Let's get Danny out of here.

Speaker 29 Danny, good job.

Speaker 16 Way to get the show started, Danny Martinello.

Speaker 10 I'll light one up right after this bucket pool gets called.

Speaker 18 Danny did 60 seconds, but now we're to the bucket.

Speaker 50 This is where shit gets crazy.

Speaker 15 We don't know these people.

Speaker 18 Very rarely have we ever seen them before. Everyone's hoping to have the best possible time of their lives up here.
Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds from what looks like a new name.

Speaker 89 Make some noise for Wilson, everybody.

Speaker 43 A one-word name, Wilson.

Speaker 88 Howdy.

Speaker 98 How many cans of beer does it take to kill a man?

Speaker 98 I don't know, but it only took me one to kill that eight-year-old

Speaker 98 Speaking of cans. I never really understood the canned food drive.
Just goes mean like they're homeless, right?

Speaker 98 Are they gonna open it?

Speaker 98 I doubt they have a can opener, much less a stove. I guess they could see how many cans of food it takes to kill a man.

Speaker 98 Got a pretty good idea how many an eight-year-old can can handle. You know what I mean?

Speaker 98 So I lost my dad last year to ALS.

Speaker 98 There's a lot of sad pit stops that comes with ALS, a lot of crushing moments, lots of loss. Started with his ability to run, eventually to walk.

Speaker 98 You know, one day is his ability to eat or even breathe for himself.

Speaker 98 There's a lot of sad moments. So I can't tell you how psyched I was when I came in one morning to get him up and he was pitching a tent.

Speaker 98 I guess I'm the only one who's seen his dad rock hard and felt real joy.

Speaker 100 Thank you.

Speaker 59 All right, Wilson.

Speaker 5 I liked it.

Speaker 7 40 seconds of straight can comedy crushing.

Speaker 48 Unbelievable.

Speaker 68 Very rarely do people do that well with canned jokes.

Speaker 41 That was great. Never thought about the homeless thing before.
You got a fucking full applause break from Elaine.

Speaker 30 Oh, I loved it. I love a good homeless guy.
I let a homeless guy titty fuck me in the 90s.

Speaker 30 For charity.

Speaker 8 Oh, Sam Talon.

Speaker 5 Was it in Toronto? Yes.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 30 It was Joe Carter.

Speaker 8 Oh.

Speaker 5 Oh, hey, when you came out, you have one name. What's the one name thing all about?

Speaker 98 People like it because of that movie Cassaway.

Speaker 98 You know,

Speaker 98 they like screaming it.

Speaker 38 Now, who are people?

Speaker 5 Did you do a survey when you decided to?

Speaker 98 If we're being honest, it's all the substitute teachers I've ever had in my life, just get to Wilson, just scream Wilson, thinking they're comedians.

Speaker 5 When he came out as Wilson, did anyone else expect him to be a black man?

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 14 I did too. Yes.

Speaker 84 I did not

Speaker 30 look like John Lennon, sound like Keanu Reeves, and

Speaker 30 get a free titty fuck for me after the show.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 30 Very attractive, is what I'm saying. But the voice, the voice is something to be desired.

Speaker 103 Wilson, let's talk about it here.

Speaker 31 What do you do for work?

Speaker 98 I'm a landscaper.

Speaker 32 Wow, a white landscaper.

Speaker 71 Amazing.

Speaker 33 The rare bird here in Austin?

Speaker 55 Yes, sir. How long have you lived here?

Speaker 98 Born and raised.

Speaker 104 Wow, amazing.

Speaker 71 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 98 Just under a year.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 82 Are you getting sexier?

Speaker 46 Are you lowering your voice as you're talking?

Speaker 5 What's in your pocket?

Speaker 14 A modulator?

Speaker 30 Yeah, show us your penis.

Speaker 29 Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 82 Elaine. Elaine.

Speaker 30 Sorry, that's my new catchphrase. Sure.
See me at the Tropicana next Thursday through Friday.

Speaker 32 It's two days. Don't be rude.

Speaker 5 Show the lady your penis.

Speaker 50 No, Wilson, don't do it. Don't do it.

Speaker 30 Don't do it.

Speaker 72 Don't do it, Wilson.

Speaker 105 Okay.

Speaker 98 Turn me on, man. We're in front of people.

Speaker 20 How old are you, Wilson?

Speaker 32 I am 25. 25.

Speaker 104 And you've been landscaping the whole time?

Speaker 98 Yes, I had a few jobs before that.

Speaker 98 My college dropout. I dropped out to take care of my dad.

Speaker 63 Okay. When did your dad pass away?

Speaker 98 Last year.

Speaker 23 And what was he doing with his life up until that point?

Speaker 98 So he made all of his money as a

Speaker 98 real estate owner.

Speaker 98 He had his own business bailing people out of the 2008 tax crisis.

Speaker 52 Or the housing crisis. Sorry.

Speaker 18 Yeah. And

Speaker 98 so that's how he made all of his money by the loans from the bank and then

Speaker 29 cover it. Amazing.

Speaker 66 ALS, an unbelievably terrible disease.

Speaker 105 The late, great Michael Lehrer had it, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, one of the funniest people and one of my old best friends.

Speaker 26 It's terrible to watch people go.

Speaker 5 Is that Lou Gehrig's?

Speaker 106 Yes, yes, sir.

Speaker 5 Did he get a tit fuck a lane because of that?

Speaker 30 Be one of.

Speaker 98 Yeah, the best lights.

Speaker 30 Charity for charity.

Speaker 98 Like, my joke was real. His dick did still work for a surprisingly long time.

Speaker 2 They do work.

Speaker 41 Michael is banging his nurse down to the finish line.

Speaker 59 It's wild. Yeah.

Speaker 15 And he started to say, you remember Michael Lehrer from the show?

Speaker 40 And he started to sound like that.

Speaker 25 Everybody sounds like that towards the end.

Speaker 41 How long after his diagnosis did he pass away?

Speaker 98 Three years.

Speaker 23 That's normally the thing.

Speaker 26 It's terrible.

Speaker 108 Did anything funny happen in your last hello or goodbye or anything?

Speaker 88 Well,

Speaker 33 yeah.

Speaker 19 Other than his rock hard cough.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Such a throbbing erection on his deathbed.

Speaker 98 So

Speaker 98 when he passed away,

Speaker 98 I had just gotten back from going out with my girlfriend. And so he had passed before I was able to say bye.
And I had always thought that I would say goodbye. So I went in after he'd passed away.

Speaker 98 And I remember that he was a lot greener than I had pictured someone to look when they had passed away.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 98 And I remember I went up to my room, you know, I drank a bunch, cried a lot. I remember I'd had some mint chip ice cream in the freezer and that was my favorite.

Speaker 30 How long is your story?

Speaker 109 Helene.

Speaker 44 For the love of fucking.

Speaker 61 I have to pee. I have to pee.

Speaker 95 Jesus.

Speaker 98 Fucking Christ. So I went down to get the mint chip ice cream to eat it.
You know, I thought it would make me feel better. And I picked it up his empty.
And I remembered how green his lips were.

Speaker 98 And for a little bit, I was more mad about that than not saying goodbye.

Speaker 98 I was like you fucking ate my mint chip ice cream than fucking died.

Speaker 59 There it is.

Speaker 24 I love that.

Speaker 30 I loved that. Will circle get you square.

Speaker 40 Tell us something else crazy about you or your life.

Speaker 103 Do you have any special skills, talents, hobbies, anything?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Love hunting, love fishing.

Speaker 98 I'm a beekeeper. Dad loved beekeeping.
Wow.

Speaker 95 Wow.

Speaker 95 Yes.

Speaker 32 A lot of...

Speaker 5 Can you look me in the eyes while you talk?

Speaker 14 Yeah, yeah, of course.

Speaker 32 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 Because I'm pretty close.

Speaker 8 Yeah, man.

Speaker 14 I would love to shave your head.

Speaker 14 Ladies, am I wrong?

Speaker 101 I've never felt more alone.

Speaker 52 All right. Hey.

Speaker 75 Never mind.

Speaker 32 You're kind of dreamy, Wilson.

Speaker 98 No, I get that a lot from men for sure.

Speaker 5 So I'm just another slut.

Speaker 23 But But you have a girlfriend full-time?

Speaker 98 I do, I do.

Speaker 103 What does she do?

Speaker 98 She works at a

Speaker 98 genetic research lab.

Speaker 87 When you were made?

Speaker 98 Yeah, I was, right? Then I wouldn't have a dead dad.

Speaker 95 Wow. Fucking Christ.

Speaker 30 Try to suck the energy out of the room. None of them.

Speaker 29 Bitch.

Speaker 29 None of them.

Speaker 30 Wait, how many bees do you keep at once?

Speaker 30 I was just kidding. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 11 We're not going to be keeping you any longer, Wilson.

Speaker 34 Great performance.

Speaker 10 Here's Here's the big joke book.

Speaker 12 Here you go, my friend.

Speaker 10 Wilson, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 A fantastic bucket pool representing the bucket tonight where anything can happen.

Speaker 11 That's his Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 45 Oh

Speaker 18 my god.

Speaker 37 What a sight for my weary eyes.

Speaker 11 The great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 37 Her brand new podcast is out.

Speaker 11 HeidiRegina.com.

Speaker 83 Hello.

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Speaker 57 We have another bucket pull.

Speaker 18 This looks like another new name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Medina, everybody.
We're going to meet Medina all together now.

Speaker 112 Hey, guys.

Speaker 113 So you can probably tell by looking at me, my pronouns are USA

Speaker 113 I usually walk out to Bruce Springsteen born in the USA just in case they had my passport back there.

Speaker 113 I identify as biracial because my dad is black and my mom is African American.

Speaker 113 But my body

Speaker 113 My body is gentrifying itself.

Speaker 113 Yeah, you know you have Vitiligo because it starts with a couple spots and then pretty soon you don't recognize the neighborhood anymore

Speaker 113 It's just not what it used to be Best part about having Vitiligo though is kids always come up to me and ask me what happened to your hand and I get to tell them well when I was your age My mom told me to do something and I didn't listen

Speaker 113 and she smacked the black off me

Speaker 113 Listen to your parents.

Speaker 112 I'll leave it there.

Speaker 113 Thanks guys. My name is Medina.

Speaker 15 Medina, I love it.

Speaker 89 First time on the show.

Speaker 65 Welcome.

Speaker 36 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 14 Three years.

Speaker 117 Three years. Where at?

Speaker 113 Philly region. I'm from Delaware.

Speaker 24 Okay. Representative.

Speaker 31 Philly, absolutely.

Speaker 72 Hell yeah.

Speaker 95 All right. Awesome.

Speaker 89 And again, I missed it.

Speaker 23 It was going so fast.

Speaker 89 What are your parents?

Speaker 39 What's the mashup here?

Speaker 27 Black and black. Black and black.

Speaker 61 Okay. Black people.

Speaker 101 All right.

Speaker 25 So the burqa kind of comes out of nowhere there.

Speaker 113 Yeah, think Malcolm X.

Speaker 95 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 5 I always do.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 104 I love it.

Speaker 31 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 113 I am a state representative.

Speaker 3 Oh my.

Speaker 95 I'm an elected official in Delaware.

Speaker 33 Like, where at?

Speaker 113 Delaware State House.

Speaker 95 Holy shit.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 5 How pissed are they going to be that you're on this show?

Speaker 52 This is wild.

Speaker 94 This is crazy.

Speaker 113 Yeah, not all. And I just had my birthday and I'm getting divorced.

Speaker 59 Whoa, I love it. Hell yeah.

Speaker 118 So the relationship, like your skin was a bit patchy.

Speaker 59 Hell yeah.

Speaker 11 How long were you married to this guy?

Speaker 117 12 years. 12 years.

Speaker 54 Oh my God. Why did it end?

Speaker 95 Can I ask?

Speaker 113 Well, I'll just tell you, a week after we separated, my eyelids started filling in. So like my skin turned brown again.

Speaker 48 That's a good thing.

Speaker 112 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 113 It's like stress induced.

Speaker 30 Wait, break that down. So

Speaker 30 it was like some sort of reverse Samby social. What are you talking about?

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 30 So wait, so it started. So it was whiter than it started getting.

Speaker 113 Yeah, they were both completely white, and then I looked in the mirror the other day and I was like, huh, I guess getting divorced was the right decision.

Speaker 30 Well, it's his loss.

Speaker 30 What is your favorite? If it could be...

Speaker 24 My favorite.

Speaker 84 Your favorite? What?

Speaker 55 You didn't even finish the question that you're not supposed to be asking.

Speaker 24 I mean, specifically.

Speaker 30 I do have favorites. The favorite, the type is like, would you prefer it to be brown or not brown?

Speaker 95 What the fuck, Elaine?

Speaker 24 Are you asking her what her favorite color is?

Speaker 89 Before you ask a question, think about what you're asking.

Speaker 5 She's from a different time, Tony.

Speaker 13 Okay. Look, I used to be Joan Rivers.

Speaker 30 We could say the N-word at breakfast, okay? So

Speaker 30 I'm so sorry. I'm a big fan of.

Speaker 113 I mean, my favorite white patches are my eyelids. Yes.
Because it's better for eyeshadow. Yes.

Speaker 78 You're telling me.

Speaker 113 But I miss my brown lip liner that I had, like my built-in lip liner.

Speaker 112 I do miss that. That's a good question.
Thank you.

Speaker 119 They're on you, but I think it's a good question.

Speaker 3 You've a true politician.

Speaker 4 I was just going to say, a true politician.

Speaker 82 Great question.

Speaker 14 You don't want to lose your constituents, yeah.

Speaker 32 The elderly are a big block.

Speaker 74 Yeah, trust me, this is a mail-in ballot if I've ever seen one right here.

Speaker 102 We call her pussy the ballot box.

Speaker 46 Whoa.

Speaker 30 Someone just talked themselves out of a titty fuck.

Speaker 30 Keep up that length.

Speaker 5 If I keep losing weight, I can do myself.

Speaker 41 How long have you been a state representative for?

Speaker 113 I'm going into my sixth year.

Speaker 71 Oh my god. Oh my God.
So tell us about that.

Speaker 19 Tell us what

Speaker 55 some things that you didn't expect about that job.

Speaker 76 We've never had a state representative on the show before.

Speaker 19 This is amazing.

Speaker 113 Oh, amazing. Okay.

Speaker 113 I would say I wish that we had a light.

Speaker 113 Like I wish my colleagues only had so much time because they just go on and on.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 113 What else about it?

Speaker 29 Democrats and Republicans all suck.

Speaker 59 Exactly.

Speaker 59 I agree with that.

Speaker 10 Rock and roll.

Speaker 57 People think I'm a Republican all the time.

Speaker 50 They just think I'm a staunch Republican, but it's not that way at all.

Speaker 87 You're just rich.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 91 It happens.

Speaker 51 Common sense centrist that just saw in the last election that there was only one option.

Speaker 54 You're considered a Democrat, though, correct?

Speaker 113 Yeah, but I'm like very far left.

Speaker 30 Right.

Speaker 18 I could tell by the everything.

Speaker 68 But you have an amazing sense of humor.

Speaker 25 This is incredible that you would come to this show and do it.

Speaker 41 So you're taking stand-up very seriously.

Speaker 113 I took the greyhound bus.

Speaker 24 Whoa. You did.

Speaker 32 Wow. Was it totally gray or was it kind of blue?

Speaker 24 It was blue.

Speaker 57 Tell us about the Greyhound bus.

Speaker 113 7.25 a.m. Got on the Greyhound in Fort Worth and stopped in

Speaker 120 some random town, Hillsboro or something.

Speaker 13 Okay, was there

Speaker 121 a Buckies there at least?

Speaker 113 No, there was a Loves.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 46 All right.

Speaker 48 Well, we love.

Speaker 29 We're going to tear this room apart.

Speaker 113 I love it too.

Speaker 29 I love it.

Speaker 95 Go ahead, Elaine.

Speaker 30 I just went, the bus. I've taken the bus many a time.
I've been felt up many a times. I've been fingered.

Speaker 30 I've been, last time I took the bus from Austin to San Antonio, I was fingered by the bus driver while he was driving.

Speaker 30 I'll send you a link. But it was,

Speaker 30 but

Speaker 30 there's something to be said about the people on the bus. There's so many different flavors and characters.
Did you see anyone that made you go, oh, I'm going to write a joke about them, you know?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 113 But I'm a politician, so I probably should see that.

Speaker 95 You're also on a fucking show.

Speaker 5 And don't get her started on the wheels.

Speaker 112 I mean, the bus driver, I loved hearing her takes on the world.

Speaker 122 She's really loud.

Speaker 113 And she was talking about how, like, he talks about freedom of speech, but apparently not. Apparently not for everybody.
And like, she was going in.

Speaker 112 And I was like, this is the America I love, right?

Speaker 113 Like, you can have voted for Trump and not agree with everything, just like you can be a Democrat and not suck.

Speaker 113 Exactly. We exist in multiple states.

Speaker 5 Absolutely.

Speaker 59 We all do.

Speaker 16 We're all meeting in the middle. We are indeed the United States of America, the greatest country in the world.

Speaker 5 I wish I could vote.

Speaker 5 That fucking gun thing's caught up to me. I'd love to give you one vote.

Speaker 113 I won in 2020, I won a primary by 43 votes.

Speaker 87 What does every vote count?

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 5 We all know what a primary is, too.

Speaker 15 What does that mean exactly, Sam?

Speaker 108 I don't get it.

Speaker 5 I was being facetious. Please, explain.

Speaker 15 No, we know what a primary is.

Speaker 29 Oh, I don't.

Speaker 33 You don't. No, I don't.

Speaker 33 What the fuck?

Speaker 124 What's going on with you?

Speaker 53 I've been eating a lot of raspberries.

Speaker 87 I don't vote.

Speaker 5 I don't like the tyranny of democracy. I believe in freedom.

Speaker 29 Wow, great.

Speaker 16 I would love to live in your country, Sam.

Speaker 94 You do.

Speaker 95 It's the best one.

Speaker 24 What?

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 5 Where else can all of us hang out?

Speaker 94 We got fucking these guys over there, you know.

Speaker 5 Mike sleeveless.

Speaker 125 We got a blind black guy, that's worth two.

Speaker 61 I mean,

Speaker 94 there's a lot of progress being made up here.

Speaker 5 Is that fair to say, ma'am?

Speaker 42 Let's get back to the guests here.

Speaker 42 So when you were campaigning, was there any, like, did you have any big moments where like you knew you were going to win or like a big, or like some type of like, you know, just a big catchphrase or something that like, got you victory.

Speaker 24 You know, like Biden, for example, lost because was dead, right?

Speaker 12 And he couldn't do anything.

Speaker 105 He couldn't speak in public.

Speaker 15 So we know why he lost.

Speaker 25 Trump got shot at,

Speaker 25 swung it, came up with blood, fucking pumped his fist. People are like, oh shit.
Like he would.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 4 So, like, did you have any moments?

Speaker 117 Like, you know, remember that great Howard Dean who kind of was like the frontrunner and then he went crazy going, wow, Minnesota, but

Speaker 64 your campaign.

Speaker 21 You have any tricks, catchphrases, anything going up against them?

Speaker 113 Yeah, I mean, it's really corny now.

Speaker 87 Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 113 Let's make a difference together.

Speaker 59 Wow.

Speaker 83 Wow.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 59 Unbelievable. Delaware.

Speaker 95 Yeah, earth-shattering. Yeah.

Speaker 29 They weren't ready.

Speaker 15 I mean, we won.

Speaker 29 It was close, but.

Speaker 30 Does anybody ever think you work in the bed bath and beyond part of Target?

Speaker 117 Did you ever use your Villago?

Speaker 104 Am I saying that right?

Speaker 34 Villago?

Speaker 58 Vitaligo.

Speaker 61 Vitaligo?

Speaker 95 Yeah. Vitalago.

Speaker 29 Vitaligo, Vitilago.

Speaker 90 Vitalago?

Speaker 6 Vitalago.

Speaker 6 Sky Regional.

Speaker 69 Vitalago.

Speaker 53 Vidalago.

Speaker 36 You ever use that to your advantage while campaigning? Like, I bring everyone together.

Speaker 29 Look, I'm this and I'm that. No?

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Is there a Yamaka under that?

Speaker 24 Yeah. Samuel, Samuel, Samuel.

Speaker 30 Samuel.

Speaker 4 You know, that's meeting you across the aisle.

Speaker 30 Samuel.

Speaker 102 Samuel. Is there?

Speaker 3 Is there? No.

Speaker 29 No, okay.

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 41 I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Medina?

Speaker 126 Any other?

Speaker 113 Sometimes I have Stevie Wonder breeds with beads under here, since you were wondering.

Speaker 52 Stevie Wonder breeds.

Speaker 113 Yeah, like just imagine like hotter than July, like the alpha cover. Steve Madness has Stevie Wonder Eyes.

Speaker 29 Like a reference.

Speaker 126 Much different than the hairstyle.

Speaker 30 I'm actually in a hooting the blowfish cover band called Stevie Wonder's Eyes.

Speaker 60 Oh, you just knocked a Red Bull on your pussy.

Speaker 30 Well, looks like it's time to squirt.

Speaker 30 Another one of my catchphrases. Thank you, Michael.
Not the first one. It should be the Tropicana next Thursday and Friday.

Speaker 29 Oh, perfect.

Speaker 74 I think your pussy has wings now for the Red Bull can landing.

Speaker 95 It was already red.

Speaker 38 Red Bull can on your pussy, Elaine.

Speaker 30 Don't you make my pussy mustache fall off.

Speaker 82 Elaine, I didn't hear it hit the floor, though.

Speaker 95 It's true.

Speaker 29 It swallowed it up. It crank it.

Speaker 30 It hit me with a stargate. Suction comes down.

Speaker 29 Here we go.

Speaker 61 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 29 All right, good job, Red Ben.

Speaker 30 You're fired, Red Ben.

Speaker 15 Could have hit any button in the world, and you made a noise with your mouth.

Speaker 30 You're ready, I'll drop it and do it. Ready, Red Band?

Speaker 32 Ready? Here you go.

Speaker 30 One, two, three.

Speaker 24 Perfect.

Speaker 30 Red Band. How dare you?

Speaker 30 My son is watching this.

Speaker 22 Medina, I love your style.

Speaker 56 Congratulations.

Speaker 10 Amazing stuff. And a state representative.

Speaker 9 Boom. Got it.

Speaker 10 The kill Tony debut of Medina.

Speaker 104 Let me tell you, we are on a streak with this bucket of one of my favorite coincidences in the world, and that is one-word names.

Speaker 18 Let me remind you, we've had Wilson Medina and three in a row.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

Speaker 18 All right, there you go.

Speaker 24 Awesome.

Speaker 42 Make some noise for decks, everybody.

Speaker 18 It's decks.

Speaker 127 I look like I ran here.

Speaker 127 At the gym they call me the Stair Master.

Speaker 127 Why is there an F and KFC?

Speaker 127 Because when you buy some, hell yeah, you got F and KFC.

Speaker 127 I should introduce myself. My name's Dex, which is cool, because I look like a Doug.

Speaker 127 I look like Corinthians 4.20.

Speaker 127 Sometimes I think porn is addicted to me.

Speaker 127 I think Ludacris was real skinny until he started singing Get Out the Way.

Speaker 127 That's a whey protein joke.

Speaker 127 Do you know what is really odd?

Speaker 127 Half of all integers.

Speaker 127 And that joke about Ludacris.

Speaker 129 What was that about?

Speaker 71 All right, all right, Dex.

Speaker 57 So, minute, 15 seconds.

Speaker 37 One more time for Dex, everybody.

Speaker 10 Dex, grab that mic. I'm going to interview you now.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 47 Welcome to the show, brother.

Speaker 31 You have your own style very defined very funny hell yeah

Speaker 127 how long you been doing stand-up five years two for real i love it where at montana okay then and for people with mental illness yep because i have mental illness we can tell

Speaker 127 what exactly have you been diagnosed with dex bipolar right after graduating as an engineer that's got to be tough in the heat

Speaker 32 two can play at this game dex

Speaker 127 dex dex dex so you graduated from college to be an engineer how did you know that you what what what was happening to where you went to get a diagnosis of bipolar oh just lost my mind literally tell us about that oh it's like halloween and oh this is fascinating because i'm from montana drove out east actually i was

Speaker 24 slow it down.

Speaker 46 You're doing good, Dex.

Speaker 64 You're doing good.

Speaker 3 You're doing good.

Speaker 47 You don't want to slow it down too much here.

Speaker 101 So, uh, you're doing just fine.

Speaker 127 There was a, seriously, a 400-pound, when I was losing, the church was like, oh, go help that lady. And so I did for two years.

Speaker 57 You helped a 400-pound lady.

Speaker 127 She was a hoarder, Marine, hell yeah.

Speaker 79 Or Hoorah?

Speaker 24 Uh-huh.

Speaker 127 She wanted her cousin to move in with her.

Speaker 57 so we got it ready.

Speaker 127 And then I flew out to Baltimore and lost my mind. I was three days homeless out there.
And then the guy in Helena is like, don't call the cops.

Speaker 127 Because I finally, I tore up my credit card and then went to the hospital. Oh, yeah, I remembered Carrot Top, even though I didn't use his number.

Speaker 127 But yeah, I called my dad and he came and rescued me. That's crazy.

Speaker 77 How does Carrot Top fit into this?

Speaker 127 Because I was using 1-800 call ATT and I was like, Carrot Top. And he's like, nah, that's not his number.

Speaker 56 Ah, you made a collect call.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 66 The name that you used was Carrot Top.

Speaker 127 Yeah, that's the fastest I've ever told that story.

Speaker 29 That's good.

Speaker 124 No, you're doing good.

Speaker 30 How many times a week would you say you use fentanyl?

Speaker 29 Ooh, I was, oh, I shouldn't say this.

Speaker 21 Yes, you should.

Speaker 13 You're on the show.

Speaker 55 This is the time to share the interesting parts of the film.

Speaker 127 I work at this little cabin.

Speaker 127 And there was like one little one. I was like, oh, that's prescription.
And then it had

Speaker 127 an M on it. No, it had a letter on it.
And I was like, oh, that's some serious stuff.

Speaker 30 What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 13 What's happening?

Speaker 5 What's going on? What do you say?

Speaker 104 Am I high?

Speaker 30 Am I in a prank show right now? Redman.

Speaker 5 You're doing good. It's like we got high through osmosis when you came out.

Speaker 5 When you tell the stories, do they make sense to you?

Speaker 5 Is there someone else in there finishing the story?

Speaker 88 There is someone.

Speaker 41 I heard the voice at some point go, you're going too fast.

Speaker 130 You're going too fast.

Speaker 29 Slow it down, Dan. Yeah.

Speaker 30 It's like, yeah, your timing is fun.

Speaker 30 All joking aside, your timing is very funny. You got a lot of laughs.
When you said integer, I got real nervous, but you said.

Speaker 30 Also excited. Hit me, Mike.

Speaker 100 Yep.

Speaker 60 So let's talk about it, Dex.

Speaker 66 Your stand-up is the thing that brings you the most joy in the world, right?

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 68 And you travel around and you do that, but you mostly do it in Montana, correct?

Speaker 127 Yeah, but I road tripped here, so I'm at least going to spend a week. We're going to get on the circuit.

Speaker 19 When you say we, are you talking about the voices in your head?

Speaker 95 Shit.

Speaker 55 Or did you come with somebody from Montana?

Speaker 127 No, just me and my van.

Speaker 52 I love it.

Speaker 43 I love it.

Speaker 126 So you have a van and you're sleeping in the van, I'm guessing.

Speaker 95 Hell yeah.

Speaker 87 Yeah, awesome.

Speaker 5 Guessing it's not a lot of sleeping in that van.

Speaker 75 I think it's a lot of.

Speaker 15 Anything crazy happened on your drive here from Montana?

Speaker 57 Montana?

Speaker 127 Yeah, last Sunday I signed a woman's boobs as Forrest Gump.

Speaker 13 Wow, very.

Speaker 30 All right, all right, I'll show you.

Speaker 10 No, no, no, Elaine, we can't do it.

Speaker 18 YouTube has big restrictions here.

Speaker 30 Thank you for calling them big.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 41 Dex, very interesting.

Speaker 130 How do you make money?

Speaker 127 Oh, fuck. I just work for my folks, but yeah.

Speaker 105 What do your folks do?

Speaker 127 they're decently off so i just like mow long i do as much as i can with mental illness it's fucking hard it's hard to be an adult where you're just like oh i suck at this how old are you dex 42.

Speaker 5 okay yeah awesome but we can do it as long as we have someone holding my hand you're doing a great job yeah wow i like that style buddy also dex i liked your jokes the jokes were great they were quick man there was a great word economy you got good jokes you got a mental illness you're kind of perfect for the show i mean this feels.

Speaker 61 I've got 400 of them.

Speaker 95 400

Speaker 95 jokes?

Speaker 82 You got 400 jokes?

Speaker 127 Yeah, but I'm perfect for a five minute. I can't even stand more than five minutes.

Speaker 50 That's amazing. You're doing a great job, Dex.

Speaker 76 Are you on medicine now? Did they have you on medicine or something?

Speaker 127 No, so yeah, yeah.

Speaker 56 So I quit all that stuff. When did you quit?

Speaker 127 After five years, I was in and out of the house.

Speaker 15 But when, when, how long ago did you quit?

Speaker 127 So we've ten years ago. Perfect.

Speaker 29 We've been doing good.

Speaker 127 We've only had one relapse. I went schizophrenic on a river trip.
Uh-huh. And those 17 people don't hang out with me.

Speaker 122 Nothing beats a chip to you on the day.

Speaker 56 Wow.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 29 That's hysterical, Jeff.

Speaker 30 Oh, do you want to kitty fuck me in your vantonite?

Speaker 30 I really like your style. You can bring some whey protein.

Speaker 58 Dude, you don't blink. It's terrifying.
I got to be honest. And actually, wait, stop blinking.
It's worse.

Speaker 118 Tell us about the

Speaker 55 relapse with the 17 people, just out of curiosity, because it seems so interesting.

Speaker 52 It seems like you have a real grasp on this thing, that you're aware of it, that it's happening, that you're used to it.

Speaker 127 Yeah, I'm like, I got my van, I'm got my shuttle all set up, and then bro is just like, can I get a ride?

Speaker 127 And then he has these shrimp scampi that he doesn't even put in a cooler, and then that they eat those. That is crazy.
But I just lose every night of sleep on that trip.

Speaker 127 And then I just I don't go eat any no sleep for six days you will lose your mind

Speaker 41 Hold on the no sleep is because of the manic episode or because of drugs No, just no I'm I'm zero drugs.

Speaker 5 So it's just it was the shrimp scampy

Speaker 41 So six days with no sleep and then what happened

Speaker 127 Oh, I see yeah, so like yeah, I could just document it because it's more than drugs like it's crazy like everything's just like whoa

Speaker 12 So, what happened on the relapse that you're talking about?

Speaker 47 Like, what happened?

Speaker 96 Do you remember what happened to where the people don't want to hang out with you anymore?

Speaker 127 Oh, yeah, then they just dropped me off at my parents' house because that's where I have to live with mental illness. And then, oh, I ran that night.

Speaker 79 I was like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 127 It's like a forest scene in here. And then I ran out.
I just ran naked. I was going to run into the woods.

Speaker 10 There we go.

Speaker 54 Now we're top.

Speaker 29 This is what I'm looking for.

Speaker 127 But then there's clarity because, and then I just, I say, fuck you, mom and dad, or something like that.

Speaker 127 And you're naked at the time no actually I said they're Catholic so I was like no that I literally said

Speaker 127 I'm masturbating and then I thought my dad was gonna run after me so I'm just butchering what and then was that the hope yeah

Speaker 32 is that how you get off so I'm getting up the street and then my neighbors you guys are interrupting greatness by the way let dex fucking talk you three put the fucking microphones down Dex, keep going.

Speaker 127 And then my neighbors,

Speaker 127 and then my neighbor is just like, whoa.

Speaker 127 And I'm like, push him, push him, because I think my dad is chasing me.

Speaker 11 Spotlight keynote.

Speaker 57 Keep going, Dex.

Speaker 127 We have mountains that are about a mile away,

Speaker 127 but then the police,

Speaker 127 police department's a half a mile away, so I'm just like, let's run there because they have those CIT officers that help with mental illness. Yes.

Speaker 127 And then I say, hey, I need a CIT officer.

Speaker 72 I fucking love you.

Speaker 66 I really do.

Speaker 123 You're just cool as fuck, Dex.

Speaker 123 How much time do you have?

Speaker 118 You have 400 jokes.

Speaker 127 Yeah, and we can stay here as long. My plan is to

Speaker 127 stay here for a month. If it worked out and I got on, so this is wild.

Speaker 86 Yeah, you're in it right now, Dex.

Speaker 80 Fuck you.

Speaker 11 I love people like you.

Speaker 59 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 35 Thank you.

Speaker 60 Mentally ill people that know they're mentally ill and admit to being mentally ill and aren't all fucking You know some people really really really really really do need medication and this and that But it seems like you're just kind of aware of your situation Do you the when did that last what you call a relapse happen the river trip 2017 right and since then nothing and do you sometimes feel something coming on and make changes yeah I dedicated my life to sleep sleep was like a bus that you get on and then I is constantly missed that bus bus so

Speaker 30 this is real I love this do you have a catchphrase

Speaker 127 hell yeah that's what we were gonna say but we only got a minute that's right yep

Speaker 58 anything else for decks guys you you said you document when you're having an episode how do you document it is it like just writing out all work and no play? Or do you film it?

Speaker 82 Or what do you do?

Speaker 127 Oh, fuck, like at a campfire when people want to listen to a four-hour story.

Speaker 54 Who listens to it? You call me?

Speaker 127 There's 17 people, and I threw them under the bus just for comedy, but I don't get invited to a dinner party.

Speaker 30 You're not missing out. Dinner parties are overrated.
You know it's not. Hidden titty fuck in your van tonight.

Speaker 30 I'm not joking.

Speaker 129 I'm not joking.

Speaker 5 Dex, I think it's great that you're taking personal accountability for your mental health, and I think it's very brave.

Speaker 29 Very cool.

Speaker 5 You did an excellent job at the comedy, too, man.

Speaker 52 Yes.

Speaker 9 Very cool, man. Very cool.

Speaker 17 Dex, I think you're built for this.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Of course.

Speaker 30 Confident, funny.

Speaker 36 You want to do a spot on the secret show on Thursday?

Speaker 10 Hell yeah, there you go.

Speaker 64 If you're not going to do it, I will, you fucking dork.

Speaker 89 Boom.

Speaker 37 You get to open up the secret show in five minutes.

Speaker 18 This fucking stiff ass, if you had just B-cup titties, he would have had you on.

Speaker 10 There's his name.

Speaker 78 Write it on your little lineup.

Speaker 11 Next time I bump you like that, maybe you should just do it yourself.

Speaker 95 Looks like you're in control of things.

Speaker 118 Dex, you're doing the secret show on Thursday night at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Speaker 10 You just got booked for a real gig.

Speaker 10 How many of you are gonna go Thursday just to see Dex?

Speaker 18 See that?

Speaker 43 Look at that right there.

Speaker 24 Fucking wires.

Speaker 18 Oh, Dex, here's a big joke, book, buddy. There you go.

Speaker 24 Boom.

Speaker 37 Make some noise for Dex. One more time for Dex.

Speaker 18 Get some information from Dex so that Red Bang can contact him.

Speaker 63 Get a phone number or a license plate or something.

Speaker 24 Whatever we have to do.

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Speaker 18 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Busco Jones, everybody. You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 132 So, for a little while in my 20s, I thought I was gay.

Speaker 132 Turned out though, I was just really, really bad with the women.

Speaker 132 I am what my daughter's generation would have called a simp, simp,

Speaker 132 which all that means is just being nice to women.

Speaker 132 Which, if you know anything about your teens and 20s, women don't want that, or they're not interested in that. So, I learned how to become an asshole, and now I am a father of three with two women.

Speaker 8 So, it worked out.

Speaker 92 My wife is bi.

Speaker 75 Polar,

Speaker 132 not the fun one.

Speaker 132 It is entertaining a little bit. It's like a psycho thriller, though, not like sexy, cool, fun

Speaker 134 type of thing going on.

Speaker 132 So I am married. Anybody happily married in here?

Speaker 129 Bunch of lying, motherfuckers.

Speaker 75 I didn't get married to be happy.

Speaker 134 Marriage is not, it rounds with mortgage.

Speaker 129 It's not a happy word.

Speaker 132 You know what a happy word is?

Speaker 128 Mistress.

Speaker 14 It's mysterious.

Speaker 134 It's short. Fun.

Speaker 132 I've been Busco Jones. Thank y'all very much.

Speaker 52 Busco.

Speaker 59 All right. So it's Busco, not Busco.

Speaker 36 You've been on this show before, right?

Speaker 101 Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
All right.

Speaker 52 Well, welcome back, guys.

Speaker 118 What did you think about Busco?

Speaker 5 You know, Busco, that means to search, correct? I search.

Speaker 32 Yes, sir. I'm searching for the punchlines.
But no, no.

Speaker 5 Busco, here's what I think, man. You have a confidence and you're like calm.

Speaker 5 It's just when the jokes catch up to that, I think you're really going to have something, you know?

Speaker 14 I mean that I'm trying to give you.

Speaker 27 No, no, no.

Speaker 5 Because you're not nervous. It's like you're like laid back, you know? I think you're engaging.
It's just when the jokes get there, man, I think there's going to be something special.

Speaker 32 You are also sweating, though, pretty profusely. You're dripping.

Speaker 29 Yeah, you're dripping.

Speaker 75 I'm more nervous than you're telling me. Really? I appreciate that.

Speaker 5 I didn't see until you turned that your face looks glazed.

Speaker 84 So wet. Just so wet.

Speaker 30 I happen to think you are very confident. You do have Chili's bouncer energy.
Nice.

Speaker 30 Thank you. As a compliment, but you came out, you grabbed the mic, you knew where to put it, and you knew where to, you know, you put one foot in front of the other.

Speaker 30 But Sam's right, the jokes, it's going to take time. How long have you been been doing Sam?

Speaker 132 Mike's for about 10 years.

Speaker 103 You go to Chili's a lot, Elaine?

Speaker 30 Oh, my God, I practically live there. You got a coupon?

Speaker 15 What do you get when you go there?

Speaker 30 That's a personal question.

Speaker 102 Shrimp's Gampy.

Speaker 30 Hit me, Mike.

Speaker 27 Thank you.

Speaker 68 Unbelievably amazing.

Speaker 41 Busco, you've been on the show once or twice before?

Speaker 132 Twice, twice.

Speaker 41 Okay, tell us something about you that we didn't learn the other times you were on.

Speaker 22 You've been on before.

Speaker 25 I remember all the sets have kind of been just okay

Speaker 35 and then whatever.

Speaker 91 Fair enough.

Speaker 41 So, let's you've had some time to think about this.

Speaker 129 Uh, the most interesting thing, I don't you sign up every week?

Speaker 134 No, no, I can't get down here every week, but whenever I get down here, okay, for sure.

Speaker 75 Uh, I mean, I'm

Speaker 132 it sounds lame, I'm a father of twins.

Speaker 132 That's it, just those two, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 8 I mean, that's fun.

Speaker 77 Um, okay, you have to, if you have to tell us how cool it is, then

Speaker 32 imagine we don't know why it's cool.

Speaker 132 No, no, um, I'm a successful real estate agent, which is right,

Speaker 56 you do the comedy of successful real estate agent.

Speaker 9 Exactly.

Speaker 132 I'm no longer at the pizza place anymore, which is great.

Speaker 73 Y'all gave them a huge bump.

Speaker 134 Did you get fired from that?

Speaker 52 No, I quit.

Speaker 13 I was good.

Speaker 132 I was only there for like two years just for

Speaker 132 fun.

Speaker 68 Is that your real estate company on the shirt? Yeah, yes.

Speaker 47 Is that why you came out here to just be a human billboard for 60 seconds?

Speaker 132 I mean, this is a capitalist society. I'm not against that.

Speaker 52 It wouldn't hurt.

Speaker 129 But I'm still trying. I'm still, yeah.

Speaker 54 other than the fact that you coincidentally made twins with your sperm.

Speaker 40 Is there anything else interesting about you that we don't know or about your entire life?

Speaker 132 No, man, I can't beat Dex, dude. That dude, I hope.

Speaker 29 You are correct.

Speaker 29 You already have a little joke book, right?

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Go fill it up with good jokes, Busco.

Speaker 18 There he goes, Busco Jones, everybody.

Speaker 59 Some interviews go longer, some I just fly right through.

Speaker 40 That's one of those short interviews.

Speaker 103 We are going to go with a very special treat.

Speaker 118 This is this guy's Kill Tony debut. He came recommended by Shane Gillis, James McCann, and Sam Talon.

Speaker 36 He's visiting from Perth, Australia.

Speaker 18 This is the Kill Tony debut of Andrew Wolf.

Speaker 7 Hey guys, how you going? You good?

Speaker 115 Yeah, I'm not well.

Speaker 7 Thanks for asking. I don't know if you get a vibe.

Speaker 115 I'm not right in the head.

Speaker 92 Do you feel this?

Speaker 7 I'm Steve Irwin on meth.

Speaker 7 Instead of crocodiles, I'm wrestling the homeless, you fuckheads.

Speaker 7 How good's America? Can you give it a clap?

Speaker 7 Land of the free, home of the gun. My only complaint as a tourist, why can't I get one from the airport? What the fuck's going on? I'm walking into Call of Duty without a weapon, you motherfuckers.

Speaker 115 I'm going to die.

Speaker 7 I'm going to die.

Speaker 7 I'm getting fucked.

Speaker 7 I'll tell you, every time I'm getting on stage, I'm scaring the fuck out of people I feel it now you're looking at me like you've gotten into an uber and realize the driver doesn't have the app

Speaker 7 He's just staring back. He's locked the windows.
He's got his dick out going, let's ride.

Speaker 7 Staring at you in the rearview mirror. Have any of you guys looked at the mirror and seen your reflection? It's so bad you've had to take a day off work.

Speaker 92 Have you had that?

Speaker 7 Spend the day fucking. I just want to be more comfortable in my body.
Are you guys comfortable?

Speaker 9 In your bodies?

Speaker 7 Not everyone gets it. My ex's mother-in-law, she had plastic surgery at 67.

Speaker 7 67, is that

Speaker 7 leaving it a bit late?

Speaker 7 That's like renovating a house three weeks before the demolition. What are you doing?

Speaker 7 She got a boop job. That's like taping two balloons to a skeleton.

Speaker 49 Holy fuck.

Speaker 59 It's Halloween.

Speaker 7 It's a house of horrors with two ghosts in front. I'm dating her.
I'm dating her right now, so chill the fuck out, hey.

Speaker 7 The sex is no good. Ain't you guys good at sex? Exactly.
No one said, fuck all.

Speaker 7 No one teaches you how to be good at sex. Growing up, you learn about sex the same way you learn about ghosts.
An older kid takes you into the woods and scares the fuck out of you.

Speaker 7 Thank you very much.

Speaker 10 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 10 Andrew Wolf, welcome to the Killtoni universe. Thank you for having me.
Amazing stuff.

Speaker 40 Especially there towards the end.

Speaker 76 I'm sorry early on in your set when you're like, I don't know if you could tell, but I'm kind of crazy.

Speaker 19 Two before you was Dax.

Speaker 101 Oh, dude.

Speaker 42 I mean, like, you seem like a fucking heart surgeon after Dax.

Speaker 32 So

Speaker 95 like, it's incredible.

Speaker 7 No one understands what the fuck I'm saying.

Speaker 87 I can feel it.

Speaker 5 You're doing good, bro.

Speaker 7 I feel like I'm in a foreign country trying to order food.

Speaker 7 Get me some bread, cunt.

Speaker 24 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 97 Love it.

Speaker 11 How long are you?

Speaker 7 He's scary as well.

Speaker 115 This reminds me of my mom, this guy.

Speaker 7 Just staring at me, quit comedy and go back to accounting, you fucking loser.

Speaker 7 Go back to accounting she's like my inner monologue just chatting on i don't know where her personality ends and my mental health begins hey right all i know is i can't gas myself in a car anymore because they've lowered the emissions

Speaker 7 yeah

Speaker 30 i fucking love it yeah man

Speaker 7 High energy, I've been bombing in that other room.

Speaker 115 Yeah, you have to.

Speaker 24 Don't worry.

Speaker 43 You don't have to tell them how the other set went.

Speaker 102 You don't have to tell them, oh, I bio, the thing's ongoing so good. Just keep going.

Speaker 64 Keep doing good.

Speaker 102 This is the one that matters.

Speaker 21 Yeah, this matters, baby.

Speaker 49 Let's give it up for Kill Turner.

Speaker 53 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 7 Oh, 2012. Long enough to quit, dude.

Speaker 92 I should have given up.

Speaker 55 No, you're doing great.

Speaker 102 Nothing's happened for me.

Speaker 35 How long have you been doing this?

Speaker 7 I do live in the most isolated city in the world, so no one's seen me.

Speaker 101 That's true. Perth.
Who knows?

Speaker 7 It might change now, guys.

Speaker 13 Perth.

Speaker 68 Specifically used in the movie Kill Bill because it is such an isolated city that that's where the elitist

Speaker 41 Bill supposedly moved to.

Speaker 39 It's like known for being an isolated city.

Speaker 56 Tell us about Perth.

Speaker 7 Fuck, it's a scary place, guys.

Speaker 7 Everyone from Perth's called the Sand Gropers in Australia. I don't know if you know the word groper, but...
Oh, yeah. That's a word for sexual assault.

Speaker 14 That means sexual assault.

Speaker 83 So that gives it all.

Speaker 7 But Jack Dela Mello, Jack Della Madalina's from there.

Speaker 84 Okay.

Speaker 114 he lives nearby yeah yeah he doesn't respect me why

Speaker 7 well I'm a small feeble man hey look at me I'm a nerd yeah but Perth's amazing hey you should come there someday yeah that's on the eastern side of Australia yeah yep is the weather there good The weather's hot as shit, dude.

Speaker 7 Look at me. I look 65 years old.
That's true.

Speaker 53 Might be time for some plastic surgery.

Speaker 7 Oh, dude, I need it. As soon as I can get some money, I just, I don't know, I can't even get a good haircut.

Speaker 7 I look like a middle-aged housewife with with a permanent is gold mining still a big thing in yeah that's all we do right two weeks in the hole two weeks out of the hole on math do you do that sometimes nah dude i they won't trust me down the hole tell them what you did tell them tell them how good you are at business

Speaker 7 i'm a failed stockbroker so i used to work in a boiler room we do 300 calls a day Yeah, convincing retirees to give us their life savings.

Speaker 57 And it didn't work out for you?

Speaker 7 It didn't work out for me or for them,

Speaker 7 but it almost worked out for you right they ring up and the stocks are down I'm like well you got to spend money to make money we're down 90% we're gonna come good from here Cheryl wow poor Cheryl poor fucking Cheryl no I'm out of that now so yeah why what happened to the last tell that tell that story you told me that I cried and threw up well

Speaker 7 I actually did well at stockbroking. I used to have five houses, had some money, but

Speaker 7 turns out bipolar is a hell of a drug.

Speaker 82 Hey, it fucks me out.

Speaker 24 you're bipolar too yeah type two they diagnosed you type two red band has type two as well yeah

Speaker 14 yeah all right you're big

Speaker 55 no he's not anymore he changed his life around which you could do at any point sam talent looks fantastic yeah he looks great

Speaker 37 Great.

Speaker 42 Red Band's trying to do Sam's fat jokes from a year ago.

Speaker 60 Hey, you're fatter than me.

Speaker 115 Sam looks amazing.

Speaker 7 He looks a bit like the wizard from the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, to be honest.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 115 Oh, that's too mean. Yeah,

Speaker 64 that's a brand new movie over in Perth, Australia.

Speaker 52 Just got that one.

Speaker 7 Dude, I had some early good jokes and now I'm fucking bottling.

Speaker 20 No, you're doing good.

Speaker 82 I love how hyper-aware you are.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Do you take anything?

Speaker 82 Dude,

Speaker 27 oh my god.

Speaker 30 Sorry, it's choked on a pew. Do you take anything before you go on stage, or is this all raw, natural excitement?

Speaker 32 Yeah, I'm just like frenetic all the time.

Speaker 4 Just panicky. Yeah, you are.

Speaker 7 I'm not comfortable in my own skin, to be honest. I'm like O.J.
Simpson's hand in a glove.

Speaker 75 Hey, Knox.

Speaker 30 Not comfortable in your own skin. Tell me about it.

Speaker 7 Yeah, not comfortable.

Speaker 41 Did you tell the story that Sam wanted you to tell about?

Speaker 62 You gotta tell that story. I don't remember the story.

Speaker 7 You tell the story.

Speaker 5 So you lost like fucking what? millions of dollars on the stock market. And then you called the suicide hotline in Australia and they sent a guy over to your house and you did.

Speaker 7 did and what happened well he came there in white gloves on a scooter and I said

Speaker 7 and he was meant to be medicating me and I said like I've lost all this money I lost 1.4 million dollars and he was like 1.4 million dollars that's so bad

Speaker 7 if I had 1.4 million dollars I'd quit this job and leave immediately And it's like, you're not fucking helping it, you motherfucker.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's basically what happened, man.

Speaker 55 That is a great story.

Speaker 19 Sam, do you have any other of his stories that he can tell you?

Speaker 34 Yeah, he's better at the stories.

Speaker 19 You had to tell half the story before he's like, oh, yeah, I remember that happened to me.

Speaker 5 I mean, dude, this guy, this guy, like, he's open for me in Australia, and you do not want to fucking follow this guy. It's brutal.

Speaker 52 You're a killer.

Speaker 5 He gets here Monday, and I text Egot, and I'm like, hey, my buddy's in town. McCann tells him.
You get on over there.

Speaker 95 You fucking. Holy shit.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you bombed horrifically. So bad that you texted me so so sorry mate straight on my way to the airport yeah

Speaker 46 I

Speaker 5 was in America but for 24 hours I've ruined your good name you've worked so hard to build this I was like now I've ruined it I've dragged it through the mud and I said fuck I wish I had my money back yeah yeah he did so then I text Egot and I'm like oh sorry about my guy he said he bombed and he was like well many people in the room would agree with that

Speaker 5 I thought he was delightful yeah

Speaker 7 he said my set was cute.

Speaker 29 Oh, that's a ringing endorsement.

Speaker 7 But we say the C word quite a lot.

Speaker 121 You'd have to beep it out.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Every second line, because you're performing to minors.

Speaker 87 Do you know?

Speaker 84 Yeah, in Perth, you are. They're all agree.

Speaker 7 Miners don't really understand.

Speaker 14 You know, they've seen. What?

Speaker 41 Where are these miners at that you think they're what?

Speaker 61 What underage people or the miners?

Speaker 34 I don't know. You tell me.

Speaker 7 You said it. Mining people that go down the hole.
Right. Do you know they're pretty dumb? You've just got to do sounds and movement.

Speaker 30 Still don't know which one you're talking about. Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 135 Woo-woo-woo-woo!

Speaker 95 Oh, okay.

Speaker 61 Now I got it, for sure. It's comedy in Perth.

Speaker 7 I love it.

Speaker 101 I kill over there, you fucks.

Speaker 24 You're doing great. That's great.

Speaker 30 How many other shirts like that do you have?

Speaker 7 What's this?

Speaker 30 I'll say it in slower in English.

Speaker 30 How many other shirts like that do you have? I like your shirt.

Speaker 7 I've only got one shirt. I lost everything, I told you.

Speaker 97 Perfect. Truly.

Speaker 7 It's enough for me. I'm sleeping in this.
I'm living in this.

Speaker 47 I'm going to fucking get buried in this.

Speaker 16 Let's be honest. Unbelievable.

Speaker 72 I love it. It's a great shirt.

Speaker 4 Thanks.

Speaker 95 Absolutely.

Speaker 22 So how long are you in America for?

Speaker 7 I leave tomorrow, but I'm coming back.

Speaker 132 Unfortunately.

Speaker 2 With you guys.

Speaker 61 When are you coming back?

Speaker 81 As soon as possible.

Speaker 15 But why are you leaving then?

Speaker 7 Oh, well, I've got to get the visa sorted.

Speaker 27 So it's in process. Oh, okay.

Speaker 52 People are helping out.

Speaker 5 All right. She get a master card.

Speaker 94 They take it 99% of places.

Speaker 109 Thank you, Samuel. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 7 Thank you so much for watching.

Speaker 48 I I think you're absolutely hilarious.

Speaker 9 Congratulations, Andrew Wolf.

Speaker 10 Thank you very much.

Speaker 89 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 10 Here, take a big joke book with you.

Speaker 17 That'll help with your visa.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 13 Sell it in power.

Speaker 13 Hell yeah.

Speaker 11 There he is.

Speaker 34 The great Andrew Wolf between him.

Speaker 24 Oh my god.

Speaker 18 The legend. Paulie Shore has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 43 Paulie, grab that mic.

Speaker 18 Oh my god. The crowd goes wild.

Speaker 99 Sorry, I'm late, dude. Sorry.
You're good. You're here, buddy.
Okay, I'm okay. Yeah.
How's the show been going? Good?

Speaker 20 Yeah, fuck yeah. Cool.

Speaker 89 You're the third bipolar guy to come out tonight.

Speaker 99 Well, I'm also bisexual, so that's good.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 27 It's all happening.

Speaker 66 We love you, Polly.

Speaker 71 What's going on, buddy?

Speaker 99 I just, I don't know if you guys know this. Rob Schneider's the what, you said?

Speaker 136 frontrunner for guests of the year.

Speaker 99 He's the frontrunner for guests of the year.

Speaker 99 That's pretty fucking cool. Last year was Harlan Williams.
Yeah. And next year is going to be fucking Adam Ray.

Speaker 41 No, the year before that was Adam Ray.

Speaker 32 The first guest of the year was Adam Ray.

Speaker 54 Second was Harlan Williams.

Speaker 99 Give it up for Red Band. What's up, bro?

Speaker 61 All right.

Speaker 34 These are friends.

Speaker 30 Good Dave. Good Dave, Goldberg.

Speaker 7 A friend of mine saw you yesterday.

Speaker 111 Were you at a convention yesterday?

Speaker 99 I was. I was hanging out with our friends down there.

Speaker 99 I was, yeah, down in.

Speaker 20 what was the convention?

Speaker 57 Is it a 90s convention or something?

Speaker 30 Was Mario Lopez there?

Speaker 63 Was it meet your heroes from the late 80s convention?

Speaker 99 You know, many years ago, Tony,

Speaker 99 I did several films that touched America's hearts.

Speaker 59 You are absolutely correct.

Speaker 59 I agree completely. Elaine, sit down, sit down.

Speaker 99 So several years later, here we are. It still resonates, so that's why we go there.
We give back. The Jews called a mitzvah.
We give back. You know what I mean? We give it back.
So it's nice.

Speaker 5 Polly, do you have something very heavy in that pocket?

Speaker 99 No, it's just my iPhone, bro.

Speaker 121 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 19 When you say the Jews believe in giving back, what exactly are you talking about?

Speaker 30 Careful, careful, Polly. Easy.

Speaker 32 Twitter. Easy.

Speaker 18 Talking about, like, if you slightly attack them, they give back a lot more than you did to them.

Speaker 99 We mostly just give to other Jews, right?

Speaker 20 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 16 That's what I've noticed.

Speaker 99 All right, well, I just wanted to say hello to everybody.

Speaker 9 I want to say what's up, Paulie.

Speaker 10 Paulie, we love you.

Speaker 17 We love you, Paulie.

Speaker 10 Good yentiffs. Good yent tips, everyone.

Speaker 30 Please all.

Speaker 10 One more time for the legend, Paulie Shore. You never know who's going to stick their head out.

Speaker 17 You are in Austin, Texas, the comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 11 I know a lot of people think it's Riyadh Saudi Arabia right now.

Speaker 61 I saw they call themselves the new comedy capital of the world on a post I saw today.

Speaker 18 Can you believe that? Riyadh Saudi Arabia thinks they just bought

Speaker 89 being the new comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 82 Never.

Speaker 11 We turned it down if you're wondering.

Speaker 18 Red Band and I turned down a million bucks each instead of going to Saudi Arabia, so and they tripled it!

Speaker 18 Yeah, we said no they tripled the offer. We said no again because what's the point of fucking standing up for America every once in a while if you're gonna sell out at the last second so

Speaker 10 yeah if anybody wants to donate

Speaker 30 yeah this guy this guy gets it thank you I on the other hand accept it but I missed my flight

Speaker 44 you missed your butt

Speaker 30 funny we'll keep it in

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Speaker 134 Wait, is that Glow in the Dark underwear?

Speaker 90 Boo yeah.

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Speaker 18 All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 89 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 60 Frankie Magoo.

Speaker 138 You have no idea how much shit is on your MacBook Pro and which you haven't deleted yet.

Speaker 138 Whereas you think your iPhone, you can just delete the text and photos hide them.

Speaker 138 But when somebody that you've been with for, let's call it 15 years

Speaker 138 opens that MacBook Pro and guesses that password

Speaker 138 you have no fucking idea what you said to your mom 12 years ago

Speaker 138 you were not jacked that that girlfriend of yours was coming home demeaning or not

Speaker 121 I would say the worst shit ever

Speaker 61 yeah

Speaker 138 we we were engaged uh after the ninth year, called that off, had a year and a half off.

Speaker 138 It's the best year and a half of my entire fucking life.

Speaker 138 We got back together because she saw how happy I was

Speaker 138 because it legitimately was the time of my life.

Speaker 138 And

Speaker 138 we were together for four more years until she read the 15 years of my text messages and photos.

Speaker 79 And that was that.

Speaker 8 All right.

Speaker 22 Frankie Magoo, ladies and gentlemen, with one of the most, what has to be one of the most,

Speaker 119 one of the most,

Speaker 50 one of the most,

Speaker 105 how do I, what do I say?

Speaker 105 What would I call this?

Speaker 89 One of the most silent receptions of the night.

Speaker 24 Your first comedian with absolute zero mental illness, and you guys wonder how the golden ticket winners get the golden tickets.

Speaker 66 I mean, this is what happens when you were raised with two parents.

Speaker 41 Am I correct?

Speaker 11 They were in your life the whole time, still together?

Speaker 123 Yes. Yes, I can tell.

Speaker 65 No trauma whatsoever.

Speaker 138 No, they hate one another.

Speaker 103 No childhood trauma at all.

Speaker 138 This is my first time at stand-up.

Speaker 20 It's adorable. Okay, then you're

Speaker 138 my original Instagram name was Cracker Barrel Kid55.

Speaker 82 Wow, amazing.

Speaker 47 So you've been watching this show for a long time.

Speaker 78 Day one.

Speaker 55 Day one. I love it.

Speaker 59 Well,

Speaker 50 you should have done a joke, Frankie.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 11 But I love it. You decided to go with the truth story.

Speaker 120 You took a chance.

Speaker 138 Polly Shore and

Speaker 100 good gracious.

Speaker 139 Yeah, you're in it.

Speaker 92 What you got going on back there?

Speaker 41 It's amazing.

Speaker 5 Are you saying you got lost in Polly Shore's eyes and that's why you bombed?

Speaker 101 That's a fact. Whoa

Speaker 105 Frankie, this is the first time we've had D-Madnesses back later.

Speaker 61 Yeah, D-Madness!

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Hey, D.

Speaker 57 So, Frankie, let's talk about it.

Speaker 40 It's your first time doing stand-up.

Speaker 25 Why did you not practice at an open mic or something like that?

Speaker 85 I've tried a few open mics.

Speaker 52 Oh, okay.

Speaker 138 But they've just been general, you know, 8 to 15, 20 people crowds. And I moved to Austin four or five months ago.

Speaker 33 Did you stand-up? No. Oh.

Speaker 2 No, I moved for work.

Speaker 61 Okay, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 138 Affordable housing, finance, develop.

Speaker 138 So I.

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 29 Wow, okay. All right, guys.

Speaker 131 Oh, well, I never said that I was good at comedy.

Speaker 115 It's okay.

Speaker 87 I love these people.

Speaker 66 We love you, Frankie.

Speaker 51 It's okay.

Speaker 56 It's all right.

Speaker 30 Everybody's got to start somewhere, right? That's right.

Speaker 41 So tell us something interesting about your life that we might find funny.

Speaker 55 You have an unbelievably, ridiculously powerful hairline.

Speaker 47 You have no childhood trauma your parents are together

Speaker 48 you there's nothing funny about you so far but we're trying to find it this is the part where I try to dig deep into your soul and figure out what might be funny about you so help me to understand what do you think might be something you've watched a lot of the show you've seen almost every episode you know how this part works give us some vulnerability or something because your hair is about to eat your eyebrows your life is so perfect you need this so not not at all that

Speaker 38 there's just nothing happening.

Speaker 41 There was two comedians up here.

Speaker 76 Between the two of them, they had 15 personalities and you have zero.

Speaker 55 And yet you stand there just like they did, holding the same mic that they did.

Speaker 65 Help me find out what might be inside of there.

Speaker 60 What do you got? Anything?

Speaker 29 I bet you just have a huge cock and everything, don't you?

Speaker 30 You got two laptops, a Costco card, and when you come, you say, good gracious, don't you?

Speaker 13 Exactly.

Speaker 10 I couldn't have said it better myself, Elaine.

Speaker 56 You fucking sexy.

Speaker 30 You earned yourself a titty grab.

Speaker 29 That's right. Thank you.

Speaker 78 So here's some character.

Speaker 138 I moved to Texas, to Austin,

Speaker 138 with a company in which.

Speaker 11 You got to get to the point.

Speaker 52 You got to fire up.

Speaker 120 I moved here.

Speaker 138 I resigned.

Speaker 78 from the company

Speaker 138 and I've been living Airbnb to Airbnb scouring deals for the past I don't know six months.

Speaker 61 So I don't you work in affordable housing.

Speaker 29 Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 138 So I am, as of right now, I manage rental houses that I accumulated through boo through college.

Speaker 24 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Speaker 6 And so

Speaker 6 I...

Speaker 6 If you tell them to boo, they're definitely going to boo by God.

Speaker 59 Rule number one is...

Speaker 10 Don't tell them to boo.

Speaker 93 This is a lot more fucking action than I got earlier.

Speaker 64 You like the booze rather than silence?

Speaker 82 Well, hell yeah.

Speaker 131 I'm looking at all these people with smug faces and they're like

Speaker 95 boo.

Speaker 58 No, the problem is they were expecting jokes, and that's why.

Speaker 58 It's not smug. It's confusion and disdain and anger.

Speaker 59 I asked you what might be funny about you and you start going on and on about how you're compiling Airbnbs in the city.

Speaker 63 Let's try a little harder to find out what might be funny about you.

Speaker 16 It's valid.

Speaker 5 Have you ever sat on a whoopee cushion?

Speaker 30 Or an old lady's face?

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 5 When you were in college at Ole Miss, how many sorority girls did you kill?

Speaker 18 That's a good question.

Speaker 30 That's a great question. I would love to hear the answer to that.

Speaker 88 Hotty-totty, huh?

Speaker 30 Hotty-totty.

Speaker 138 That's so dangerously accurate.

Speaker 29 Yeah, no shit.

Speaker 24 Is it?

Speaker 138 The murder thing, I don't even think there was a murder

Speaker 138 at Ole Miss, was there?

Speaker 5 I don't know, you went to LSU.

Speaker 110 Did you go to Ole Miss or LSU?

Speaker 138 I went to the University of Alabama.

Speaker 59 Wow. Boo!

Speaker 48 Oh, well, again,

Speaker 102 don't say boo. That can't be.

Speaker 11 It's a great catchphrase. It's not a good idea.

Speaker 30 I have a legit catchphrase.

Speaker 42 Not a great catchphrase at all.

Speaker 27 You don't want to keep doing that.

Speaker 68 Just make sure they let them initiate the boo.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 13 You don't come back first.

Speaker 30 Yeah, I have a legit question. So comedy sometimes comes from laughing at yourself, right? So is there something self-deprecating?

Speaker 30 When Tony asks you what's funny about you, you started telling your fucking Wikipedia page. Nobody gives a fuck.
So dig deep, think about something that you've done.

Speaker 30 You go, God, that was embarrassing, but with a little perspective, would be funny. Let me fucking finish.
To strangers. You know what I'm saying? So what something that you did was embarrassing.

Speaker 30 Maybe you could go, oh, that's actually probably pretty funny to tell the stranger.

Speaker 138 Understood.

Speaker 110 I just, hold on. There's a I just realized right now that there's a pregnant woman in the front row.

Speaker 68 And I want to say that, Frankie, you might be worse than Tylenol for

Speaker 104 an unborn baby.

Speaker 18 Like, there's almost no doubt that that baby's going to be traumatized from this.

Speaker 41 If we listen closely enough, I think you hear it.

Speaker 5 I thought she was just queefing, but yeah.

Speaker 99 I'll show you a queef, Samuel.

Speaker 14 Oh, shit, let's do it.

Speaker 32 Put it up to there.

Speaker 59 Put it!

Speaker 29 Put it up there.

Speaker 20 Red Band, you better be ready for that.

Speaker 30 Here we go.

Speaker 24 Very.

Speaker 20 Your husband.

Speaker 48 Very good, Red Band.

Speaker 13 That one.

Speaker 30 That'll be $16.

Speaker 38 All right. I'm going to try one more time.

Speaker 30 I can literally hear the internet right now going, why is this guy still on the fucking stage?

Speaker 18 I can hear it.

Speaker 123 I'm going to try one more time with you.

Speaker 89 Give us something, some type of vulnerability.

Speaker 41 What about your life or something about you might be funny?

Speaker 55 Again, you have to be a little bit quicker.

Speaker 11 If you give them a chance, they're going to do that. They hate you.

Speaker 52 They hate you.

Speaker 29 And I know what it's like.

Speaker 3 Look at me.

Speaker 64 I'm unlikable too, but I fucking, I figured out ways.

Speaker 95 I fucking, I fought it.

Speaker 94 Tony, give that guy a joke.

Speaker 46 There you go.

Speaker 24 Pass it back.

Speaker 18 He's right behind you. There you go.

Speaker 78 There's a little joke book.

Speaker 42 You have to write, you suck dick, on the first page, though, because that is your big break.

Speaker 102 Did you do that?

Speaker 24 That's what you should do. Do more of that.

Speaker 29 That would be great. Get him.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 103 Get him back. Attack him.

Speaker 65 The guy that said, you suck dick, what do you have to say to him?

Speaker 30 Come on, don't think about it.

Speaker 6 Just go.

Speaker 9 Let it rip.

Speaker 5 Come on, get him.

Speaker 65 Hurry up. Say something, motherfucker.

Speaker 59 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 45 God damn it, dude.

Speaker 24 This is unbelievable.

Speaker 90 Hey, motherfucker.

Speaker 5 I'm going to buy your house because I'm a rich white guy who gets away with everything.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 90 I've never.

Speaker 90 I've never.

Speaker 90 I've never known pain in my entire life

Speaker 5 I roll through life with perfect teeth and skin that a woman would kill for this is it I don't need this shit from you pig

Speaker 14 This is it get in there

Speaker 14 Dude fucking say it I'm a beat I got okay listen what I have to say say say something

Speaker 10 You know, you know

Speaker 10 Jesus.

Speaker 64 Forgive me for smoking the guy from New York's weed that in the exodus.

Speaker 58 Oh, now you're high?

Speaker 8 Wait a minute.

Speaker 90 Who would ever be high on this show?

Speaker 58 I also just want to point out you do have like female scratch struggle lines on your hands and uh I just spent a 25-day outdoor solo tripping Idaho archery elk con.

Speaker 59 Oh my god, everything about you.

Speaker 41 But listen to me, because there is a fucking silver lining here, all right?

Speaker 55 And I know you're used to a silver spoon, which is different.

Speaker 29 But listen to me, if you're serious about this at all, at all, Take the major note that Sam Talent just gave.

Speaker 18 If you're going to be the heel, motherfucker, lean into it.

Speaker 31 Be that guy. Go, I will buy your fucking, be that, be you, because it seems like that's who you are.

Speaker 68 You're not silly, silly joke guy.

Speaker 41 You're not dex with one-liners.

Speaker 48 You're not Medina relating to what it's like being that type of person.

Speaker 41 You're you.

Speaker 68 So if you're a, you know, a guy with money that's all about business, well, that is what you are.

Speaker 65 Well, then what, what are you?

Speaker 2 That's just what I dressed like the unabombs.

Speaker 11 Okay, I'm getting you out. I gotta get you out of here.

Speaker 59 I love it.

Speaker 29 There you go.

Speaker 43 I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

Speaker 24 Good luck.

Speaker 29 Salute, indeed.

Speaker 126 Put the mic in the mic, Stan.

Speaker 20 Tony, would love to have you on.

Speaker 30 It's Tony Hinchcliffe and French show coming out.

Speaker 24 Red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man, red man.

Speaker 24 All right,

Speaker 111 that guy sucked.

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 13 yeah.

Speaker 5 He was also the scariest one, dude. I'm right fucking here for Tennessee date raped.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 58 He didn't have any punchlines, but his creepy disposition was awful.

Speaker 5 We gave him every fucking chance.

Speaker 125 What do you want?

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 5 I kissed the lane to save his fucking set.

Speaker 5 And I've never been more alive.

Speaker 92 Mike, get over here.

Speaker 5 D-Madness, you would hate this.

Speaker 30 What the fuck? Give me some of that.

Speaker 70 Oh,

Speaker 18 my god.

Speaker 30 Two to play your gay game, Samuel.

Speaker 16 This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 44 And back to edit bucket.

Speaker 52 We go.

Speaker 24 All right.

Speaker 57 This is a fun one, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 This guy just moved to Austin very recently, a couple months ago. I do believe he's been signing up for a while.

Speaker 89 He used to work at the comedy store.

Speaker 37 This should be fun.

Speaker 18 Make some noise for a minute from Fang Chow, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 24 Stop it.

Speaker 140 That's not my language. I speak English, okay?

Speaker 79 Let's go.

Speaker 140 In the middle of the pandemic, people start to hate Asians in this country.

Speaker 140 A lot of bitch-ass Asians were scared.

Speaker 140 My Chinese mother was one of them.

Speaker 140 She called me up. She goes, hey, Feng Chow, don't go outside.

Speaker 131 It's dangerous.

Speaker 140 I'm like, mom,

Speaker 93 don't be a little bitch.

Speaker 140 I'm not afraid of being Asian.

Speaker 140 As a matter of fact, I've never been so proud of being Chinese.

Speaker 93 Because Chinese people make number one virus, kill everybody.

Speaker 92 Should have been everyone laughing

Speaker 140 If you didn't laugh you might be the problem that this country is failing

Speaker 140 I'm gonna call China after the show

Speaker 140 I'll get China on the phone. I'll be like yo assholes

Speaker 2 Upgrade our virus

Speaker 106 Thank you

Speaker 24 Fang Chao, the pride of Beijing, China,

Speaker 16 and Los Angeles, California, and now Austin, Texas.

Speaker 51 Welcome to the show, Fang Chao.

Speaker 129 Yes, sir.

Speaker 67 You've been my Chinese friend for a while.

Speaker 105 When did you start at the comedy store?

Speaker 34 This is the real Fang Chao.

Speaker 75 Yeah, I've been Tony's friend for a while, yeah.

Speaker 5 No, you're a Chinese friend.

Speaker 65 I asked you a question.

Speaker 110 When did you start at the comedy store?

Speaker 140 2015.

Speaker 60 2015.

Speaker 67 Amazing.

Speaker 57 And it is true.

Speaker 39 In 2021, there was this big Asian hate thing.

Speaker 24 You remember this? Yeah, hi.

Speaker 95 Yeah. I do.
Yeah.

Speaker 104 And that's what he's talking about.

Speaker 41 So interesting because there really wasn't Asian hate, as you remember, but the media kept saying that for some reason, the liberal-controlled media kept repeating it so many times over and over again.

Speaker 57 And when they repeat something over and over and over again, people react to it.

Speaker 54 And eventually it became a thing that Asian hate was a thing, you know.

Speaker 41 But you're here saying that it wasn't a real thing, right?

Speaker 29 Whatever. I'm just being Asian.

Speaker 140 I'm not afraid. Hate me, yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, I think that it's fair to say that America's healing when you see a Chinese guy doing Shane Gillis' arm.

Speaker 29 So I like that.

Speaker 83 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 141 Thank you. What's Shane Gillis' arm?

Speaker 5 When you stand like this behind your back, like every typically white guy does on stage now. Really? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 95 That Shane thing?

Speaker 13 Bargatzi does it? This was a Shane thing.

Speaker 21 Yeah, that is too.

Speaker 5 The hand.

Speaker 91 And then this. What does he have? Everything?

Speaker 54 What are we supposed to do with this extra hand?

Speaker 5 Everything's a Shane thing now?

Speaker 82 He does this. Yeah.

Speaker 29 You know?

Speaker 30 Comedy.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 30 That's Shane Gillis, too, right?

Speaker 84 Elaine, you're so good at impressions.

Speaker 43 Feng Chow, how's Texas been treating you?

Speaker 106 Good.

Speaker 2 Tell us about it. Very good.

Speaker 140 I love the people here. I love the people, the food.

Speaker 140 Comedy is here. It's the mecca.
That's why I'm here.

Speaker 31 You've been to Bucky yet?

Speaker 2 I'm a real comedian, yes.

Speaker 87 Yes.

Speaker 3 Love it. Absolutely.
Yeah.

Speaker 140 I love it. Chopped cheese there is really good.
Gummy bear is very good.

Speaker 47 Have you tried the Texas cheese steak burrito by any chance?

Speaker 53 That's my go.

Speaker 57 It's unbelievable. Very good.

Speaker 27 Fucking believable. Yummy.

Speaker 29 No doubt about it.

Speaker 22 What else is going on, Fang Chow?

Speaker 31 You got a girlfriend?

Speaker 104 What's going on?

Speaker 79 I do.

Speaker 75 I do. I do.

Speaker 75 I do.

Speaker 140 Beautiful lady. I got a beautiful lady.
Smart, smarter than me.

Speaker 140 I'm not afraid of smarter ladies in my life.

Speaker 2 I'm an idiot.

Speaker 140 I barely speak the language. I need someone to guide my life.

Speaker 140 Hello, lady.

Speaker 123 Okay, very politically correct answers that I'm getting from you.

Speaker 110 Anything crazy about your life that you want to share with the the people out here?

Speaker 45 Anything

Speaker 131 crazy?

Speaker 95 Oh, bird flu.

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 29 okay.

Speaker 73 Yeah, watch out, yeah.

Speaker 93 Three people died in the front row.

Speaker 92 I'm not sorry.

Speaker 140 Your immune system is not my fucking problem.

Speaker 140 Anything crazy?

Speaker 140 I got stabbed during Asian hate. There you go.

Speaker 95 Let's talk about that.

Speaker 140 That's kind of crazy.

Speaker 103 Let's talk about that.

Speaker 24 What exactly happened?

Speaker 52 You were at a sushi restaurant and I fell down.

Speaker 103 What happened exactly? Tell us about this Asian hate.

Speaker 140 I got stabbed by a next-door neighbor.

Speaker 123 Okay, for what?

Speaker 140 For being Chinese.

Speaker 19 Okay, can you tell paint the picture a little bit for us there, super victim?

Speaker 2 Okay, that's fair.

Speaker 93 So what exactly happened?

Speaker 88 You're welcome for the laughs.

Speaker 140 They just came into your place and just go, you're just no, it's my next door neighbor in the middle of the pandemic. We used to be cool.
We used to be cool. And then he just started hating Chinese.

Speaker 140 She?

Speaker 35 He.

Speaker 60 Okay, so when you got stabbed.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 93 Tell us about that.

Speaker 140 I came home from like a hike and then I was walking to my door and

Speaker 140 I was talking to a lady next door to ask her to come to the store, watch me do stand-up trying to fuck.

Speaker 29 The comedy store.

Speaker 101 You were flirting with the lady?

Speaker 140 Yeah, yeah, take always hard, different color than yours, but always hard.

Speaker 9 Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 140 Let's go. Plenty of jizz.

Speaker 5 Do you have to do the five-inch punch?

Speaker 92 Just excited.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 115 I want to hear about this.

Speaker 2 So you're talking to a woman, and then the guy.

Speaker 140 And then the guy's kitchen window is facing that lady's door.

Speaker 140 And then I turn around, I heard him say fucking Chinese. And then I'm like, all right,

Speaker 140 no big deal. I've known this guy for a while.
And then I came back on this side of the building. He lives in the back.
And then I was walking to my door.

Speaker 140 And he came out with a chair and something shiny. It was like evening time.
Like,

Speaker 140 I don't know for sure it's a knife. And he threw the chair at me

Speaker 75 and didn't hit me.

Speaker 30 Because I'm fast, right?

Speaker 2 Can't get hit by a chair.

Speaker 140 Fucking rock star.

Speaker 64 And then I was like, what the fuck is this about?

Speaker 140 And he's like, you know what this is about. And he was already charging at me.

Speaker 24 White guy?

Speaker 140 Yeah, white guy.

Speaker 22 Really?

Speaker 140 Yeah, and then he's like, you know exactly what this is about. And he was already in my face.

Speaker 107 And then I got to take a couple of stabs

Speaker 115 on my chest.

Speaker 24 Uh-huh.

Speaker 52 Did you know you were alive? I'm alive.

Speaker 140 It's not that scary, okay?

Speaker 59 Right, you're dead. I got it.

Speaker 56 You survived it. I got it.

Speaker 84 I'm here.

Speaker 76 Were you ever attacked for being Chinese before this?

Speaker 60 No.

Speaker 108 And you haven't been attacked since?

Speaker 140 I'm usually the attacker.

Speaker 14 I understand.

Speaker 140 People like to talk shit in this.

Speaker 6 I understand.

Speaker 54 Fucking beat their ass. So do you think that

Speaker 54 do you think that it's a coincidence that that happened then?

Speaker 23 Or do you think that perhaps the media saying that there's Asian hate could create

Speaker 140 the media saying Asian hate is not good for Asian.

Speaker 81 It's not good for Asian hate. For sure, yeah.
Right.

Speaker 82 Exactly. Yeah, fuck them.

Speaker 41 They can cause a lot of the violence in the country, for example.

Speaker 77 For sure.

Speaker 24 Right.

Speaker 2 So when they...

Speaker 140 Yeah, they want to fucking brainwash all the people in the country and then they just like, oh yeah, you listen to me.

Speaker 2 I'm like, no.

Speaker 95 Right.

Speaker 5 Because before that, it was mostly, what, the ninja turtles?

Speaker 30 That was based on a true story, you know.

Speaker 5 New York in the 80s was nuts. You were there.

Speaker 32 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 58 Where did you get stabbed?

Speaker 140 On my chest, like right here. I got three stabs.

Speaker 56 Three stabs?

Speaker 140 And then I was like lucky enough. I was fighting him and I got him under control.
And there were a couple comics living in my building. I was just yelling.
Then they came out.

Speaker 5 But three is good luck in your culture, right?

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Six is good.

Speaker 101 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 131 Times two. Three times two.

Speaker 79 Right, right, right.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll do the number joke.

Speaker 30 What was your move?

Speaker 58 It was the year of the rabbit, so he had a good luck charm, you know?

Speaker 115 Foot. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 111 So is the guy in prison?

Speaker 30 He did.

Speaker 140 It was because of the pandemic. Like, Al A County Jail is not holding anybody for that time.

Speaker 55 Yeah, they didn't even prosecute the guy, right?

Speaker 79 No.

Speaker 41 Los Angeles, California, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. What a shit city.

Speaker 62 Yes, indeed.

Speaker 30 Well, it's a state, but we'll move on from this.

Speaker 30 Is there something about your defense mechanism? Like, you said you fought back. And I don't want to say you're a bad fighter because I've seen you fight online.
You're very good.

Speaker 30 But what was your move? What was your first move?

Speaker 92 No, I was just trying to wrestle him out of my way.

Speaker 2 Like he was already like stabbing me.

Speaker 140 Like I can't.

Speaker 30 No kung fu.

Speaker 2 No, no, like.

Speaker 30 Okay, that's not racist. I've seen him do kung fu on YouTube.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was seeing the movies, right?

Speaker 75 Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 140 Did you forget it? I was just like trying to get him off me. I was stabbing me.
I was just trying to like, and I tricked him. Like, and then he was on the ground.

Speaker 71 You tricked him? You tripped him.

Speaker 140 He was drunk, and then I kicked his leg, and then I tripped him.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 30 You tricked him. You were like, hey, look at that, psych.

Speaker 24 Look at that Asian guy.

Speaker 94 Here, try this Coca-Cola.

Speaker 2 More than one Asian.

Speaker 30 Psych is Pepsi.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 25 Feng Chow, you're the fucking man.

Speaker 41 Very interesting stuff.

Speaker 11 I'm glad you moved to Texas.

Speaker 59 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 10 Great stuff. I'm out of big joke books right now.

Speaker 11 We'll get you one later.

Speaker 10 Thank you guys for watching.

Speaker 12 It's a great Feng Chow, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 All right.

Speaker 25 Very very interesting we're gonna keep it moving along you guys still having fun out there

Speaker 18 Make some noise for Heidi everybody, you know, she has a brand new podcast Love on the line with our with the other great beauty Valerie Vaughn They're interviewing people.

Speaker 42 It's fun. It's two hot chicks.

Speaker 31 Joe DeRosa was just on David Lucas Rampage Jackson love on the line if you like podcasts with fat tits That's the show to listen to.

Speaker 18 Or you can watch Red Band do VR also if you like presenting.

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Speaker 119 That's gofundme.com to start your fundraiser gofundme.com this is a commercial message brought to you by gofund me all right your next bucket pull goes by the name of patrick cassaday ladies and gentlemen patrick cassaday

Speaker 136 mother ship what is up happy to be here

Speaker 136 guys i want to talk about an important issue that's going on in america it's pretty controversial right now uh

Speaker 136 you know what i'm talking about right

Speaker 136 lesbian sex

Speaker 136 These girls are doing it all wrong.

Speaker 136 I saw one with a strap-on on, the other girl was on her knees sucking it, and the girl that was standing there was like, oh my god, it feels so good.

Speaker 24 And I couldn't help but laugh.

Speaker 61 I was just started laughing, right?

Speaker 136 And while you're coming is not the best time to laugh, guys.

Speaker 136 Wish I had a time machine, huh?

Speaker 131 Speaking of time machines, Segway.

Speaker 136 Why do people say, if I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and I'd kill baby Hitler?

Speaker 134 That doesn't make any sense. I mean,

Speaker 121 why don't they just say I'd kidnap him and raise him right? I don't.

Speaker 124 I think these people are lazy. I don't fucking know.

Speaker 32 Speaking of Hitler, guys, he might be in heaven.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Yeah, seriously. Because

Speaker 106 if you just ask Jesus to forgive your sins right before you die.

Speaker 59 Oh, that's my time, guys. Thanks.

Speaker 24 Oh, shit.

Speaker 77 Damn. Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 53 Patrick, how long you been on stand-up?

Speaker 16 About a year almost. About a year.

Speaker 22 Talking to the microphone, Patrick.

Speaker 136 Came out here last year to do the show

Speaker 136 for about nine weeks, and that's what got me into comedy afterwards.

Speaker 50 This is your second time on the show? Yeah.

Speaker 40 Okay. What happened your first time on the show?

Speaker 50 What did we find out about you that's interesting?

Speaker 136 I came out here after my father passed away.

Speaker 95 Okay.

Speaker 70 Oh, what else?

Speaker 136 You need to do comedy, and you're like, eh, because he died because he didn't want to see you do comedy?

Speaker 129 And I was like, yeah, that was a good one.

Speaker 136 But

Speaker 136 that was what you gave me.

Speaker 141 Patrick, are you inebriated right now?

Speaker 19 Did you drink before this?

Speaker 118 Did you have a drink?

Speaker 45 No.

Speaker 136 I mean, I had like a sip of a drink, but that's about it.

Speaker 118 You had a sip of a drink?

Speaker 136 My adrenaline's pumped right now.

Speaker 25 Your adrenaline's pumped right now.

Speaker 40 Have you been practicing? Have you been doing

Speaker 8 a lot?

Speaker 29 Why don't you do another joke?

Speaker 25 Why don't you do another joke?

Speaker 50 Why don't you take a breath and do another joke?

Speaker 38 Do something else.

Speaker 71 Try something else.

Speaker 5 Redemption song.

Speaker 16 Anything else, Patrick?

Speaker 77 Here he is. Patrick Cassaday.

Speaker 136 Guys, anybody ever walking on their parents having sex when they were younger?

Speaker 106 27 times?

Speaker 136 I came out here last year. It was only 14 times.

Speaker 136 I need to get my new place, I think.

Speaker 24 All right, there you go. Yeah, that's better.

Speaker 30 And that's how it's done.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 5 They want to like you, you know?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 19 Patrick, tell us more about you.

Speaker 108 What have you been doing since the last time on the show?

Speaker 136 Well, my plan was to go back and sell my dad's mobile home and move back out here to do comedy.

Speaker 136 I went back to Sacramento and I had a big Kill Tony party with all my friends. They came and about half an hour after the show aired, I got a call

Speaker 29 in the hospital and my mom died.

Speaker 52 Oh my God.

Speaker 136 So I know my comedy kills.

Speaker 57 Was your mom watching perhaps?

Speaker 59 No, she was past that stage, but she'd heard all those jokes before.

Speaker 125 Well, that's good news.

Speaker 105 You went back to Sacramento to sell your dad's mobile home because he had just passed away.

Speaker 57 You have a party, a viewing party, and literally right after the party, you find out your mom passed away.

Speaker 136 I literally went from the biggest high to the lowest low you could possibly pass.

Speaker 50 What did your mom pass away from exactly?

Speaker 136 Heart failure.

Speaker 32 Red bed.

Speaker 34 It feels like...

Speaker 136 I'm a fan of that, I think, because that's how he's going to go, folks.

Speaker 58 It feels like every time you do this show, something terrible happens in your life.

Speaker 136 Kind of like, I want to call everybody and make sure they're all right after this.

Speaker 20 Yeah, yeah, or just stop doing this.

Speaker 2 If I'm killing, this could.

Speaker 30 I mean, you are somewhat affable. You've got special teams coach and Madden Energy.

Speaker 129 All right, special

Speaker 30 compliment.

Speaker 57 Do you have any kids or anything?

Speaker 121 No, no kids.

Speaker 75 That's good.

Speaker 29 Dwarves.

Speaker 13 Yes,

Speaker 56 no one left to die after this viewing party.

Speaker 136 No one above me, no one below me.

Speaker 59 So it's like, why aren't I even here?

Speaker 62 Amazing.

Speaker 57 Do you have a girlfriend or something, Patrick?

Speaker 59 No, I got an ex-wife.

Speaker 64 Okay, of course.

Speaker 57 You're close with your ex-wife?

Speaker 130 Yeah, we're best friends.

Speaker 41 Oh, nice. Okay, well, maybe she'll die when this episode ends.

Speaker 107 What does she do for a living?

Speaker 2 She does insurance.

Speaker 107 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 101 Actually, I'm looking for a job if anybody's hiring.

Speaker 2 What are you good at?

Speaker 58 Grim reaping?

Speaker 3 Funeral homes are hiring.

Speaker 94 Killing everyone he's ever loved.

Speaker 29 Tough funnel resume.

Speaker 30 That was funny, Sam. Plug your Twitter.

Speaker 136 Actually, I saw Sam last night.

Speaker 121 I was sitting right there.

Speaker 75 Yeah, yeah, you were lovely.

Speaker 5 You were laughing really hard. I'm loath to make fun of you.

Speaker 30 What are you good at?

Speaker 110 Let's try to get you a job. What can you do?

Speaker 55 What do you have experience in?

Speaker 136 I used to manage a bunch of insurance offices.

Speaker 27 I owned my own brokerage.

Speaker 82 Was it life?

Speaker 101 True insurance? It was not.

Speaker 136 That would have been good, right?

Speaker 6 It would have been convenient.

Speaker 5 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 45 I could have an example.

Speaker 27 But

Speaker 136 no, I'm hoping to get a job in comedy. That's why I came out here.
I'm in the same RV. I was in last year.
I've towed it out here.

Speaker 136 Sold both mobile homes because I had to sell my mom's mobile home after she died.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 136 Shout out. Now, when she cost me about

Speaker 27 a bunch of money,

Speaker 41 the funeral cost you a bunch of money?

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Well, back-to-backs, you know, I was like, I wasn't expecting that.

Speaker 72 Exactly.

Speaker 136 Kind of went out all on dads.

Speaker 68 Were they together still?

Speaker 136 No, they actually lived together, but they've been divorced for 50 years.

Speaker 60 Divorced for 50 years.

Speaker 41 Meanwhile, they passed away right near each other.

Speaker 108 Isn't that amazing?

Speaker 91 Was it a gas leak?

Speaker 24 Yeah. They had separate mobile homes.

Speaker 61 Unless he's the one releasing the gas.

Speaker 30 Were there any pets around? You know how Gene Hackman and his wife died and the dog was there too? And everybody thought the dog died. I thought the dog did it.
Did you ever hear about that? No.

Speaker 30 There were no pets around?

Speaker 59 I didn't know Gene Hackman was dead yet.

Speaker 86 Your mom.

Speaker 5 Your life's just getting worse and worse.

Speaker 30 Sorry, Gene Hackman's dead. Forrest Gump funks genuine with AIDS, and Airbud can play football.

Speaker 57 Elaine, how do you know about all this?

Speaker 24 Google. Wow.

Speaker 15 Amazing. I didn't know you knew how to Google.

Speaker 34 Oh, I've got Wi-Fi everywhere.

Speaker 30 Wow. Even in my pussy, Redband.

Speaker 24 Wow. Glass shattering.

Speaker 82 Seems to be that.

Speaker 102 Stone Cold just came out?

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 84 It's a stone cold pussy.

Speaker 30 God, God, I hope so.

Speaker 105 Let's play some optimism games here, Patrick.

Speaker 66 What type of job in comedy are you looking for?

Speaker 76 Because being a former insurance broker doesn't really help.

Speaker 29 It doesn't help at all.

Speaker 136 I'm really looking to just get any entry-level job anywhere at a comedy club. Just so

Speaker 136 money's not just... hammering out every month.

Speaker 91 Right.

Speaker 11 How much money do you have left right now?

Speaker 101 I've got about 15 grand left in the bank.

Speaker 39 15 grand left in the bank.

Speaker 136 Well, my RV plus spot's like $1,600 a month.

Speaker 110 Your RV spot is $1,600 a month.

Speaker 136 About three going out every month.

Speaker 95 Okay.

Speaker 95 All right.

Speaker 61 Well.

Speaker 61 Plus, I spend

Speaker 136 about $300 a month here.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 136 It takes years.

Speaker 3 I mean, that's wild.

Speaker 58 I do like that you're wearing a mothership. You're wearing like the band shirt to the concert.
That's uh.

Speaker 136 This is the first one I bought online, like when this

Speaker 58 very tight.

Speaker 116 What did you see last year? Yeah.

Speaker 59 Way tighter.

Speaker 136 About 40 pounds lighter than it was last year.

Speaker 30 Marzatal.

Speaker 24 Congrats, man.

Speaker 29 You say heavier? Yeah.

Speaker 61 All right. This guy's excited.

Speaker 55 There's some guy in the crowd that is taking control of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 61 Very good.

Speaker 29 Let's pay attention up here, guys.

Speaker 124 So, Patrick, any parting words before you leave?

Speaker 136 I love this place, man. Just keep doing it, Tony.

Speaker 50 You keep doing it, buddy. Don't stop.

Speaker 53 Something's going to happen for you.

Speaker 37 I know it. I know.
Patrick Cassidy, Keep trying, Patrick.

Speaker 65 Take chances.

Speaker 37 You got to keep practicing so that you're less nervous next time.

Speaker 57 That's the trick.

Speaker 72 That's what you do it for.

Speaker 5 All right. Maybe don't do any crystal meth.

Speaker 61 That'd be helpful.

Speaker 58 Someone close to him is going to die. I just want you to know that.

Speaker 24 I don't think there's anyone left as that is.

Speaker 5 No, he said he's the only one. What's the fucking point? That was one of his fun asides he had.

Speaker 30 What did he say?

Speaker 33 He said,

Speaker 33 the only one left.

Speaker 82 What's the fucking point?

Speaker 90 Oh, shit.

Speaker 22 we're gonna find out.

Speaker 41 There might be an RV for sale in the next couple months.

Speaker 126 This looks like a fun name. Looks like a new name.

Speaker 42 Make some noise for Big Chuck, everybody.

Speaker 18 Here comes Big Chuck.

Speaker 92 Hell yeah, dude. What's going on?

Speaker 92 I got a lot of inventions I've been working on lately.

Speaker 92 My latest invention is a new breakfast cereal.

Speaker 92 The working title is Oops, All Shrooms.

Speaker 128 I like to eat shrooms for breakfast, dude.

Speaker 92 It's pretty fun.

Speaker 128 Yeah, it's working out.

Speaker 92 I'm down a couple pounds and I'm up a couple IQ points. So it's working, dude.

Speaker 128 Hell yeah. I eat shrooms for breakfast.

Speaker 92 It makes your day a little weird.

Speaker 128 You know, the other day I had shrooms for breakfast, forgot.

Speaker 92 Ended up donating blood.

Speaker 92 I was like, oh no, dude. my blood's supposed to be going to help sick people, but some cancer kid is going for a ride, dude.

Speaker 92 He's going to meet God a little sooner than he hoped.

Speaker 75 Thank you.

Speaker 59 All right.

Speaker 57 55 seconds of eating shrooms in the morning material, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Chuck, welcome to the show.

Speaker 18 You're not as big as I was hoping you would be with the name Big Chuck.

Speaker 48 On this show, you're more of a medium.

Speaker 121 Thanks, buddy.

Speaker 89 Medium Chuck.

Speaker 42 Welcome. How old are you?

Speaker 134 I'm 39.

Speaker 15 39?

Speaker 20 You don't look a day under 55.

Speaker 5 It's incredible.

Speaker 50 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 118 This is your first time on the show?

Speaker 79 Yes, sir.

Speaker 22 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 92 About two years, a little under two years.

Speaker 86 Where at?

Speaker 92 Reno, Nevada.

Speaker 80 Wow, you were expecting a big response there.

Speaker 5 You're the best. Like he gets electrocuted when he answers a question.

Speaker 75 Like he's going to levitate. Reno, Nevada.

Speaker 29 That makes sense.

Speaker 58 What do you lack in punchlines? You make up for in volume.

Speaker 61 So that's fine.

Speaker 13 Thank you.

Speaker 86 There you go.

Speaker 15 The biggest little comedian we've had on the show all day.

Speaker 69 So what do you do for work, Big Chuck?

Speaker 92 I do video and audio production. I'm about to get laid off.
So I am open to doing a Mexican drum op for Red Band's job.

Speaker 38 No.

Speaker 106 Great.

Speaker 29 Red Band's job.

Speaker 97 There you go.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 53 Big Chuck, are you married?

Speaker 20 You have kids?

Speaker 92 Yeah, I'm married. I have a son.
He's eight years old. And I have a dog, too.

Speaker 5 What's his name?

Speaker 132 The dog or the son?

Speaker 52 Either one.

Speaker 73 My...

Speaker 101 Okay, goose.

Speaker 37 Okay,

Speaker 53 what's the dog's name?

Speaker 30 You scream everything, and there's such an anticlimactic silence after. I imagine us going out later, and you're like, well, going to another bar!

Speaker 30 Fuck!

Speaker 30 I love you. Keep going.
What's the son's name?

Speaker 66 I love the gray beard.

Speaker 41 It looks like you went down on a lane before the show.

Speaker 121 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 30 Play your card right.

Speaker 13 Must be why your breath smells like Red Bull right now.

Speaker 30 Too soon.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 4 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 30 Thank you. Congratulations.
Great job.

Speaker 139 Big chalk, everybody. Big chuck.

Speaker 18 It's a very, very interesting back side of the show. The B side of this show is very interesting.

Speaker 18 Well, this name looks promising. Make some noise for Matthew Coffin, everybody.

Speaker 24 Coffin.

Speaker 100 I've got a major issue with people not getting fucking words right anymore these days.

Speaker 100 I was watching Van Jones do this interview with these four black folks that voted for Trump. And one of the gentlemen said, I like him because he's an asshole.

Speaker 100 He says what he means and he means what he says. And I'm like, that's not what a fucking asshole is.

Speaker 100 We had a beautiful movie that came out years ago called Team America World Police, made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, that told us the difference between a dick and a pussy and an asshole.

Speaker 100 Pussy wants to bitch and complain about everything and make everybody miserable.

Speaker 100 An asshole wants to shit all over everything and ruin everybody's fucking lives and day.

Speaker 100 But then you have the dicks who are willing to stand up and do the right fucking thing no matter what, no matter people like it or not.

Speaker 100 And pussies and assholes hate dicks because dicks fuck pussies and assholes. And Donald John Trump is the dick we hired to fuck the pussies and assholes.

Speaker 100 And I love, love, love what he's doing with the Oval Office. He's turning that shit into a modern-day fucking Piper's pit.
And I love it.

Speaker 100 I'm just waiting for the day when these world leaders mouse off to him and he says, That's interesting. Can you look over there for me?

Speaker 100 And while they're bent over looking the other way, he turns over and picks up a fire extinguisher and shoves up the guy's ass and says,

Speaker 16 All right,

Speaker 16 there,

Speaker 51 Matthew Coffin, a very interesting rally speech you just gave.

Speaker 51 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 53 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 100 July.

Speaker 51 July.

Speaker 72 Okay, good answer.

Speaker 16 Where are you from?

Speaker 100 I was kind of good to... Delaware, sir.
Delaware.

Speaker 97 Oh, Delaware.

Speaker 105 Do you know your state representative?

Speaker 100 Sadly.

Speaker 62 You do?

Speaker 75 You probably don't like it.

Speaker 100 We always say, yo, he's from Pennsylvania. He's not from fucking Delaware.

Speaker 9 Who's that?

Speaker 107 What are you talking about?

Speaker 15 Yeah, we're talking about, you know, a lady named Medina?

Speaker 5 Medina? No.

Speaker 5 She's probably on a list you have.

Speaker 86 All right, look at that. You see that red band?

Speaker 46 Look at that little doggy up there.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 5 That's adorable.

Speaker 51 That's what makes you likable.

Speaker 56 That's how you get the victims closer to you.

Speaker 78 Amazing.

Speaker 5 What do you do for work?

Speaker 100 I just, I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid, and I just picked up doorman work over here at

Speaker 110 Shakespeare's.

Speaker 104 Okay, how long have you been doing that?

Speaker 100 Just a few weeks now.

Speaker 76 Nice. What's the dog's name?

Speaker 77 Look at that little cute name.

Speaker 100 This is Lucius Fox.

Speaker 13 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 45 Dog's name.

Speaker 24 Is that dog name? Adorable.

Speaker 5 I don't know what I mean.

Speaker 66 How long have you had her for?

Speaker 75 He.

Speaker 24 Oh.

Speaker 87 Oh.

Speaker 75 Oh, yeah. Ew.

Speaker 8 Hey,

Speaker 24 fuck.

Speaker 30 Welcome back to Don't Do That Again.

Speaker 5 How dare you misgender my dog? I'm going to touch his penis.

Speaker 58 And then expose it to the whole crowd.

Speaker 13 Cameras.

Speaker 5 It's always a smart move to bring a cute distraction on stage.

Speaker 14 Yeah. That's good.

Speaker 58 And then never address it. Yeah.
That's fun.

Speaker 100 He just goes wherever I go. I love it.
His bed's my bed.

Speaker 100 It's been quite a journey.

Speaker 55 He works with you at Shakespeare's?

Speaker 100 Yep, he works the front door with me.

Speaker 13 I love it.

Speaker 5 They're wonderful people over there. Yes, they are.

Speaker 56 We love Shakespeare's.

Speaker 25 Okay, so tell us about your life, Matthew. Tell us some crazy shit about yourself.

Speaker 100 Well, that's what I was wondering where you wanted to start. And I was like, well, I guess the beginning is the best bet.

Speaker 100 I cracked my head open and ripped my lip off my face before I had heart surgery at two years old.

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 29 Okay. I was really.
Stars to prove it.

Speaker 100 Sorry, sir.

Speaker 86 What?

Speaker 30 That's crazy.

Speaker 33 Ma'am.

Speaker 95 Elaine. Go ahead.

Speaker 85 It's fine.

Speaker 5 Don't misgender Elaine.

Speaker 32 Yeah, you want to go. You're all touch her pussy.

Speaker 32 What was the heart surgery for?

Speaker 71 What was the condition?

Speaker 100 It was a birth defect.

Speaker 100 And it was funny because my dad was on the phone, my biological dad was on the phone with my mom while she was pregnant with me. And he said, oh, nobody in my family has any heart problems.

Speaker 100 And he hung up the phone. But basically, it was a blockage between the first and second chamber that made it so enough blood couldn't transfer through to the next chamber.

Speaker 100 And it was making my heart swell to where it could have exploded.

Speaker 100 But there was also a hole in my heart the size of a quarter in the fourth chamber and allowed enough blood to drain out of it so it didn't explode.

Speaker 5 Wait, did a doctor say that if you don't get this done with, your son is going to explode?

Speaker 100 It's pretty bad.

Speaker 100 There was actually another girl, a little Indian

Speaker 100 mother and her child were in there and had the same condition as me, and she didn't make it. My mom had to console the lady.

Speaker 52 It was pretty rough.

Speaker 100 But it was actually

Speaker 5 kind of spike in the football.

Speaker 100 And

Speaker 100 I don't actually have this memory, but my mom told me very explicitly, like, it's been a pretty emotional couple months, but she had to explain to me, she was like, yeah, you've always liked wrestling.

Speaker 100 She was like, you had this fucking IV thing in your neck in the lobby. And I said, look, honey, Hulk Hogan's on TV.

Speaker 100 And she said, I turned my head so fast the IV popped out of my neck and blood's just squirting out on the floor and people are cleaning it up.

Speaker 98 And I'm just like, Hulk Hogan.

Speaker 5 You know, a lot of people have a different idea of a fun story than I do.

Speaker 5 Everyone who comes up here is like, oh, here's a fun anecdote I tell at dinner parties. There was blood everywhere.

Speaker 56 Tell us about your adult life.

Speaker 108 Anything crazy happened then?

Speaker 100 Well, if you want to move a little further, if you want to skip to my virginity, when the girl ran away from Colorado on a greyhound to come see me in Delaware and her dad got there before she did.

Speaker 29 Yes.

Speaker 110 Okay, what did dad do?

Speaker 100 Oh, he got he was like, he saw me working at the Shave Ice stand, getting ready to make some milkshakes and shit. And he was like, oh, I see you're a nice looking young gentleman.

Speaker 100 I can see why she came out here for you. It was actually pretty cool.
They were Buddhist. They were actually very like peace, praying, humble, bumble, like Buddha, Buddhist.

Speaker 110 Did you end up fucking the girl?

Speaker 29 Yeah, that night. All right.

Speaker 3 Dad.

Speaker 100 And, and, and I earned my red mustache and and red wings on the first turn.

Speaker 94 Okay, see what I mean?

Speaker 3 What the fuck?

Speaker 5 This is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 52 My goodness.

Speaker 58 I have a question. Why is your tongue bright blue?

Speaker 58 Can you stick your tongue out and expose why the fuck your tongue is bright blue?

Speaker 82 It's true. Has no one seen that?

Speaker 100 Well, Joe Rogan and you guys had to make a mecca for maniacs and then Alex Jones got us all hooked on methylene blue and now here we all are.

Speaker 30 Sure, that's not fruit stripe dumb?

Speaker 95 That's

Speaker 82 wait, don't you?

Speaker 5 Maybe this is a Veruka salt thing.

Speaker 5 You're turning violet, Violet.

Speaker 30 That's my favorite scene in that movie. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, didn't she also almost explode?

Speaker 52 Whoa.

Speaker 30 You don't happen to love blueberries, do you?

Speaker 30 It's okay. We'll edit this out.

Speaker 100 I thought Tony said I didn't hear you. I'm sorry.
It's fine.

Speaker 50 No, I didn't get a chance to.

Speaker 61 Snap.

Speaker 103 So let's talk about now.

Speaker 33 What are your goals now?

Speaker 21 Well, you're working in Shakespeare's.

Speaker 22 Oh my God. Oh my God.

Speaker 95 That's a hard hat.

Speaker 15 So for those of you that don't know.

Speaker 100 I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid.

Speaker 25 There's a shell inside of his baseball hat that is hard because of the trauma to your head?

Speaker 100 Yeah,

Speaker 100 I was actually wearing this. I worked at the last job I had in Delaware, like job 45 or whatever, was a union job.

Speaker 100 And I was up on the mezzanine, so a floor between the floor, and I was up near the steer girders. The conveyor belt jammed.
I got up on the conveyor belt, unjammed it, released it.

Speaker 100 Now I'm on a moving conveyor belt. It ran the back of my head into a steel girder.
I knocked me cross-eyed. I started throwing up and stuff.
Like, it was pretty wild.

Speaker 100 And the methylene blew, actually, not the like really, but it actually kind of helped with the post-concussion.

Speaker 108 Absolutely. Sam Talon.

Speaker 5 Do you have any stories that don't involve a traumatic wound?

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Like, you ever had a nice story?

Speaker 100 I used to.

Speaker 30 You ever been a knots barry?

Speaker 100 I've had my time, my little bit of time of hanging out and getting to know some people.

Speaker 100 I was trained by Van Hammer and Dammit Devitt, corporal punishment, and I trained as a professional wrestler starting at the age of 14. Okay.

Speaker 94 And how bad did you get hurt?

Speaker 5 Huh? Did you fucking cut a toe off and there was blood everywhere?

Speaker 100 There's some scars from that and stuff and some head trauma stuff, but mostly probably emotional damage. But

Speaker 100 it was my fault. I burned bridges and screwed things up.
But I was a kid. I was young and children.

Speaker 30 Let's check in with Elaine here. I have a great question.

Speaker 30 I just won't be wasting anyone's time. You talk fast and you're somewhat articulate for being such a fucking spazoid.
I'm sorry. No,

Speaker 29 you're very likable.

Speaker 30 You're likable, and I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through. We get to just fuck around and make poo-poo jokes, and you've been through some shit doing real jobs.

Speaker 30 So thank you for your service. But also, you said 48 jobs.
Could you name all 48?

Speaker 16 Nope. He can't.

Speaker 11 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 10 There you go, buddy.

Speaker 59 There he goes.

Speaker 24 Matthew Coffin, everybody.

Speaker 43 But could he? If somebody asked him for that,

Speaker 46 he can't.

Speaker 34 I know for tonight.

Speaker 43 No.

Speaker 37 How about one more time for Lucius Fox, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 29 Lucius.

Speaker 63 Adorable dog.

Speaker 24 All right, one more bucket pull.

Speaker 18 We know this guy. He's hilarious.
He works here.

Speaker 42 Make some noise for Law Coger, everybody. Law Coger.

Speaker 101 Yo, yo, yo.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 143 So I meditate a lot, you guys. So here are some thoughts I've had while meditating.
Do real plants look at fake plants

Speaker 143 and think,

Speaker 143 why is this nigga not breathing?

Speaker 143 Yeah, here's another thought.

Speaker 143 It seems like a waste of earth to bury Midget six feet deep.

Speaker 143 Like six feet? Bury that little nigga in a mailbox or something.

Speaker 143 Yeah, I've also noticed that job interviewers will ask you what's your biggest weakness

Speaker 143 Then be surprised when you say big titties

Speaker 14 like come on you asked

Speaker 143 humongo mommy milkers

Speaker 143 are my biggest weakness

Speaker 144 all right so a lot of white people in here

Speaker 11 exactly one minute from the great law coger

Speaker 9 you

Speaker 59 Always amazing, always impressive.

Speaker 11 So glad we got you out of the bucket.

Speaker 46 How have you been refreshing?

Speaker 23 Yes, very amazing.

Speaker 22 Appreciate it. How's it going, Law?

Speaker 4 Cool, man.

Speaker 144 Just, you know, trying not to go crazy.

Speaker 5 You know what I'm saying? Why?

Speaker 69 What's going on?

Speaker 110 What's happening in your room?

Speaker 5 Bitch is just fucking with me, man.

Speaker 107 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 42 Let's talk about the hoes.

Speaker 8 Yeah, bro.

Speaker 11 What are they doing?

Speaker 79 They're behaving badly?

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 41 A bunch of misbehaving hoes.

Speaker 144 Misbehaving bitches, bro.

Speaker 62 Misbehaving bitches.

Speaker 33 I don't get it, man.

Speaker 107 Tell us about it.

Speaker 144 I just keep running into like non-monogamous, like, polyamorous bitches.

Speaker 79 Okay. You know what I mean?

Speaker 79 Yeah. Yes.
You mean

Speaker 79 whores? Right.

Speaker 32 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 15 How do you keep running into them?

Speaker 52 I'm a whore, man.

Speaker 52 I love it. I love it.
I'll be trying fucked.

Speaker 95 What? That's right.

Speaker 144 Shut your bitch ass.

Speaker 13 Oh, my God.

Speaker 34 He said, real, recognize, real?

Speaker 3 Just an old white teeth.

Speaker 61 Hey, my friend. Hey, time for me to connect with one of the homies.

Speaker 61 Real recognize real.

Speaker 61 This fucking guy.

Speaker 24 Crazy.

Speaker 52 I didn't see him until you moved.

Speaker 102 Crazy.

Speaker 30 That's Freddie Magoo's dad.

Speaker 25 Tell us about it.

Speaker 42 What's up with these polyamorous fucking pot pies out there?

Speaker 24 Tell us about it.

Speaker 101 Pot pies is crazy.

Speaker 80 Yep.

Speaker 104 Warm on the inside, crusty on the outside.

Speaker 24 Whoa!

Speaker 13 I don't know.

Speaker 104 I'm just riffing.

Speaker 46 It's no big deal, people.

Speaker 30 I'm describing my love life.

Speaker 113 I thought Pope Pie.

Speaker 59 Pope Pies.

Speaker 59 Yeah,

Speaker 144 it's just a lot of it, man. Just

Speaker 144 going on dates. You know, I fall in love after the first fuck.
Yeah. And

Speaker 139 go on.

Speaker 144 Just me?

Speaker 79 All right, whatever.

Speaker 5 No, man. Real respect's real.

Speaker 101 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 59 Exactly.

Speaker 38 Oh, he's putting up the one fist now, everybody.

Speaker 16 The white guy.

Speaker 48 Oh, two fists.

Speaker 30 Oh, the double jerk off.

Speaker 10 Love him a pie pie.

Speaker 30 Yeah. Elaine, go ahead.
What is the oldest hoe that you've been with?

Speaker 72 There you go.

Speaker 144 Right now, 46.

Speaker 59 Well, I got a new one.

Speaker 58 You're looking to break that record?

Speaker 30 77. You want to let me put my Ouija board on your chocolate slipping slide?

Speaker 144 Hey, man, I'll try anything once.

Speaker 41 Are you into women with big hands and an unbelievable amount of arm hair?

Speaker 24 Look at this.

Speaker 30 I was told specifically you wouldn't do that tonight.

Speaker 30 Adam Egan assured me you would not pull my left sleeve up that far.

Speaker 63 I mean, it is a lot of arm hair, Elaine.

Speaker 30 I eat my vitamin.

Speaker 5 Elaine, do you tie a lot of knots?

Speaker 5 Your forearms are huge.

Speaker 124 Yeah, what kind of workouts are you doing?

Speaker 55 Your shoulders are massive.

Speaker 48 Tread is pickleball.

Speaker 30 Mind your own fucking business.

Speaker 20 Pickleball is good.

Speaker 3 Power knitting.

Speaker 55 Law, where can people find you?

Speaker 69 You are truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 10 Give yourself a little plug. What's your Instagram or website or podcast or anything?

Speaker 29 Go ahead.

Speaker 143 Yeah, Instagram is Deadpan Law.

Speaker 144 On Instagram.

Speaker 82 YouTube, Law Coger, Deadpan Law.

Speaker 59 You know what I mean?

Speaker 30 Yep.

Speaker 41 Well, which one is it?

Speaker 59 Deadpan Law.

Speaker 32 Deadpan Law.

Speaker 99 D-E-A-D-P-A-N-L-A-W.

Speaker 29 They got that part, yep.

Speaker 5 You were We'll be back on the secret show Thursday, Law.

Speaker 59 Boom.

Speaker 10 Back on the secret show. You already have a big joke book.

Speaker 47 You want another one? Boom. There's a law.

Speaker 17 Law, everybody.

Speaker 24 Boom.

Speaker 43 Appreciate it.

Speaker 18 What an episode indeed. There are so many different levels.

Speaker 54 So many highs and lows and personalities and traumatizing stories.

Speaker 24 And some people with no trauma at all.

Speaker 23 It's been a very compelling episode.

Speaker 18 And for me, there's only one way to end an episode like this, and that is with who some people call

Speaker 61 the

Speaker 41 Cubano killer, the Memphis strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the plastic

Speaker 35 puppet,

Speaker 18 the

Speaker 18 Duke of Dietary.

Speaker 18 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 120 I met a guy at the airport who told me he used to do comedy and I said, oh, were you pretty good? And he said, yeah, I almost went viral. Wait, how do you almost go viral?

Speaker 143 That's like me saying I almost got AIDS.

Speaker 131 Pro tip, when you get off a plane and walk out of the gate and the people are staring at you waiting to get on, loudly into your phone I've never seen so many spiders on a plane in my life

Speaker 49 a Princeton grad student has been released from Iraq after 900 days in captivity damn how long was that thesis

Speaker 143 Growing up, I was told I should be a doctor because my handwriting was so bad.

Speaker 49 And signing settlement checks to harass nurses.

Speaker 49 I was like a motherfucking nasty Dooker-y hauser.

Speaker 88 Dooker has, okay.

Speaker 93 That's my time.

Speaker 10 Exactly one minute from the man with the most appearances on the show, the most interviews on the show, the living, reigning, defending Hall of Famer who just keeps adding on to his resume.

Speaker 104 William Lights Out Thunderfuck Montgomery.

Speaker 59 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 139 How are you? So nice to be here.

Speaker 38 Fantastic.

Speaker 76 I'm having the best time, and I'm so excited to see you.

Speaker 22 It always brings me an incredible amount of joy.

Speaker 118 You're so sweet.

Speaker 59 Stop.

Speaker 78 Absolutely. Stop.

Speaker 41 William, tell us about your life.

Speaker 91 How's it going?

Speaker 139 Oh, my gosh. I was in Tacoma this past weekend.
It was a whole bunch of fun. And Tony, it made me realize I have a joke that I've been telling now for a while.

Speaker 139 Unless atheists start having potluck dinners, I think I'll stick with Christianity. And it got a weird kind of response in the crowd.

Speaker 139 And I was like, what do we have a bunch of fucking atheists in the crowd? And this one girl, especially, was very loud. And I got into this very long discussion with her.

Speaker 139 Luckily, people were laughing the whole time, but I was just telling her, I mean, you don't really know. I don't really know.
It's a leap of faith you have to take.

Speaker 109 I mean, why are you going for this horrible, dark part?

Speaker 139 Why would you want to maybe go to hell? That seems so incredibly foolish of you. And I just kept on.
So it made me think I maybe need to get into preaching, Tony. I think I've maybe.

Speaker 43 I think the Lord has been tugging at my heart.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 139 And I think I might have to do that.

Speaker 27 No doubt about it.

Speaker 29 It happens.

Speaker 51 You know, it's good for people to find something to believe in.

Speaker 139 And I just want to try to save Red Band at some point because that guy's soul is so incredibly lost with his weird little glasses. What do you like to record on that, Red Band?

Speaker 139 I see you got the little glasses that record shit.

Speaker 88 Play a bunch of bathrooms. Probably bathrooms.

Speaker 52 Put the glasses.

Speaker 3 Yeah, fucking put your face.

Speaker 27 Fucking part of the stall.

Speaker 135 You can see the girls changing.

Speaker 59 That's what you told me the other day.

Speaker 2 Why are you acting like an idiot?

Speaker 139 Yeah, he's looking at fucking naked chicks in the mall, changing. He's nasty.
Yeah, dude, you're going to get sued. You're going to get in trouble.

Speaker 32 Is this true?

Speaker 11 You've been going to the mall, Red Bad.

Speaker 29 He's going to go.

Speaker 27 He's been sued.

Speaker 61 Yeah, he's been going to the fucking

Speaker 101 down the street.

Speaker 22 Straying away from the orange Julius at the mall.

Speaker 30 Come to mention it, I do remember changing in the Nordstrom Rec and hearing a guy outside going,

Speaker 67 Sam talent.

Speaker 29 Hey. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Hey, you look good.

Speaker 120 Well, you do too.

Speaker 2 Sam, I've been seeing pictures. Yeah.
You look wonderful.

Speaker 85 Thanks, man.

Speaker 5 Right back at you. Look at these fucking arms.
You look solid.

Speaker 88 I'm trying.

Speaker 139 I went over 1,200 fucking miles since Jane.

Speaker 59 You guys.

Speaker 10 Today, which that feels good.

Speaker 9 So it has been wonderful.

Speaker 12 I'm looking at you two next to each other.

Speaker 19 You two both at some points looked just like a lot of the stories that we heard here tonight.

Speaker 69 Multiple heart attacks, possibly right around the corner.

Speaker 5 Hopefully my wife does it to me, though.

Speaker 102 Yeah. That'd be preferable.

Speaker 117 And there you are.

Speaker 41 You've lost, between the two of you, more weight than I am.

Speaker 30 And it's incredible.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I lost 60 pounds.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Damn. That's wonderful.

Speaker 32 Thank you, man. That's great.

Speaker 33 William, tell us more about your life, man.

Speaker 48 This is incredible. The people want to know.

Speaker 29 It's a wet hand, buddy.

Speaker 2 That's a really handy. I have a really wet, cold hand.

Speaker 139 For anybody who ever wondered about my hands, they're really cold and wet all the time.

Speaker 102 Oh, that I can actually see it glistening on that.

Speaker 41 It is soaking wet.

Speaker 53 That is

Speaker 84 shaking.

Speaker 2 It's this this aurbal blister from the row machine.

Speaker 139 It's this nasty looking. There's one of these on red.

Speaker 109 Oh, it's penis.

Speaker 24 Literally.

Speaker 88 Wow. I swear to God, look at that thing.

Speaker 139 Yeah, it looks like a weird.

Speaker 107 Do you see that?

Speaker 30 Yeah,

Speaker 30 I got something similar in between my thighs.

Speaker 30 I'll send you a link.

Speaker 30 William, you look like the ringmaster for a flea circus. Anybody ever tell you that?

Speaker 5 I love that.

Speaker 30 Have you been to the circus, though? Because

Speaker 30 you go outside a lot, you go to fun stuff. But what do you do when you're on the road and you have some time to kill for yourself?

Speaker 109 I will walk around.

Speaker 139 I'll smoke some weed and listen to some music and walk around. I do that a lot.

Speaker 5 And there are people like, whoa, it's pennywise.

Speaker 139 Well, I have this, some sweet Australian person send me a hat with a whole face guard and everything, so I'm all face guarded up, and that helps with the sun. It also helps with

Speaker 139 nobody does that.

Speaker 32 No one.

Speaker 84 No one else alive does that.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 14 It's a good signature look.

Speaker 76 But yeah, tony everything's yeah everything's fine you do seem a little extra moist tonight your hands are wet i can see your armpits have a giant wet spot

Speaker 139 dear god perhaps that is not the right shirt to wear when you're suffering from an unfortunate it's been horrible like in tacoma my whole shirt after one show my whole shirt is soaked through with sweat because i think i sweat so much every day with the row machine that now i just sweat the floodgates are open so i think it's good i think it adds sort of drama to what's going on up there no doubt about of it.

Speaker 54 Coming off.

Speaker 103 What are some other things that make you sweat in life, William?

Speaker 120 Oh my gosh, watching a good movie with a loved one?

Speaker 33 Wow. What else, William?

Speaker 50 What makes you sweat in life?

Speaker 8 You're so close to me.

Speaker 67 What makes William Montgomery sweat?

Speaker 38 The world wants to know.

Speaker 67 I'm getting in my ear.

Speaker 124 Yep, they want to know.

Speaker 39 What makes the great Billy Boy McGumballs sweat?

Speaker 139 What makes me sweat?

Speaker 74 Probably meet it, like maybe

Speaker 30 meeting somebody. Meeting somebody for the first time.

Speaker 135 Wow.

Speaker 116 Yeah, that'll make me sweat every time.

Speaker 5 I think everyone thought it was going to be something big, including the horn section.

Speaker 120 It was just a normal human response.

Speaker 139 Yeah, you've been like talking to somebody or whatever, and you made it, and it's like, gosh, that would make me.

Speaker 5 Dude,

Speaker 5 I met Triple H and Stephanie McMahon this weekend.

Speaker 5 And I said to be on me because of Tony, who was nice enough to send them to the shows, and I met Triple H and I was like, oh man, my entire life I've been a fan. It's lovely to meet you.

Speaker 5 And then to Stephanie McMahon, I said, my entire life.

Speaker 5 So I blew it too, you know?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 5 It's scary meeting people. What the fuck does my entire life mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what were you thinking?

Speaker 5 I don't know, but I've been thinking about it since.

Speaker 14 Yeah, non-stop.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 34 My entire life.

Speaker 120 It's almost unbelievable.

Speaker 2 Yeah, You did mess up.

Speaker 5 It's unfathomably stupid.

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 30 I met Lark Voorhees at a Hudson News once. Oh, the Lark? Huge bitch.

Speaker 30 That's it. Not every story is going to crush tonight.
William?

Speaker 139 Yeah.

Speaker 30 It is so good to see it. Does the sweating thing bother the fans or do they take it as like a sign of like you're working hard for them?

Speaker 139 I don't know. Good question.

Speaker 88 I have no idea.

Speaker 19 That is a good question.

Speaker 62 What else makes you sweat, William?

Speaker 139 Maybe eating Cheetos in my bed at night.

Speaker 30 Yep.

Speaker 139 Ooh. I ate a bunch on Saturday.

Speaker 139 Wow. Because I'm trying to stay kind of slim for the Romans.

Speaker 5 You just want to sit on my lap, bro?

Speaker 101 Come in.

Speaker 52 What

Speaker 24 feel comfortable?

Speaker 61 I love you. Yeah, you're good.

Speaker 32 I feel comfortable around you.

Speaker 14 I love being around you, man.

Speaker 65 Why don't you do that?

Speaker 110 Why don't you sit on Sam's lap for a second?

Speaker 11 Elaine had a big announcement that she wanted to make.

Speaker 126 Elaine, you want to do it?

Speaker 30 I have a big announcement. First of all, how great was tonight's program?

Speaker 59 Was it not one of the first time you're going to be able to do that?

Speaker 9 Well, I know we're not ending it yet.

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 11 You just want to do that because people watching might turn it off right now before you make that big announcement.

Speaker 30 I just wanted to give a shout out. My big announcement is...

Speaker 102 I'll end the show when he's going to be a little bit more.

Speaker 6 I just want to say, I just want to show you.

Speaker 74 It seems very hosty.

Speaker 41 Has anyone ever told you that?

Speaker 55 Seems like you do a lot of hosting of your own shows.

Speaker 11 Like, I mean, I see this, like, Dr.

Speaker 55 Phil show very popular on YouTube, on Netflix.

Speaker 64 It almost seems like you're kind of like that guy.

Speaker 30 Elaine, why don't you make your big announcement? My big announcement is I found my car keys. I'm cancer-free, and William is having my baby.

Speaker 30 And I'd actually, William, William got me pregnant about six weeks ago.

Speaker 120 It was six weeks ago.

Speaker 30 Six weeks ago, and I have a little

Speaker 2 New York up at the Big Waterfall.

Speaker 30 Up at the Big Waterfall.

Speaker 95 Are you guys talking about me?

Speaker 24 I had your fall.

Speaker 52 Yep.

Speaker 24 Amazing.

Speaker 2 Took her fucking ass up there.

Speaker 109 It was very nice.

Speaker 139 I was talking about sweating before something, before I met your fucking ass.

Speaker 30 We did your favorite position.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 139 Where I get up behind you in the bathtub.

Speaker 45 Yep.

Speaker 32 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 30 Which I suggested just regular up against the fridge, but all of a sudden we're buck naked in the tub. So, tomato tomato Ray Romano.

Speaker 73 So it's happening.

Speaker 59 So you're literally, you haven't told me about it.

Speaker 30 I have a song that I wanted to sing to you that is something that's near and near to my heart.

Speaker 82 Why don't you stand up and do it over there?

Speaker 102 You got songs slide down.

Speaker 24 Don't you?

Speaker 30 And if you know the words, sing along. Hit me, babe.

Speaker 11 Slide down, Mike.

Speaker 31 William, give her.

Speaker 24 There you go.

Speaker 43 Give her your mic, mic, William.

Speaker 18 I'm gonna take this one.

Speaker 74 I'm gonna take this one.

Speaker 30 I got you, buddy.

Speaker 18 There you go.

Speaker 53 Ladies and gentlemen, the legend.

Speaker 11 Hall of Famer Elaine, everybody.

Speaker 11 I've traveled the world.

Speaker 11 I've seen everything.

Speaker 11 Come on, but tonight

Speaker 11 will be the greatest night of my life. It has to be.

Speaker 30 Well, we've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks.

Speaker 6 And that fat guy almost had a heart attack tonight.

Speaker 30 But that's what you get

Speaker 30 when you sign up for Kill Tony.

Speaker 70 You try your best.

Speaker 70 You hope that on your side is luck.

Speaker 70 And if you struck out, go back home

Speaker 70 and call me for a tiny bump.

Speaker 70 Call me for a tiny bud.

Speaker 70 Everybody, call me for a titty bud.

Speaker 70 Just a good winner.

Speaker 70 Just a rogue.

Speaker 70 Call me for a titty bar. Just a white man.

Speaker 70 Can't call me for a titty bot.

Speaker 70 You have my number, call me back.

Speaker 70 I'm in the back top.

Speaker 30 I'm gonna give birth to a little clown.

Speaker 18 Wow, Elaine, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 37 How about one more time for the great William Montgomery?

Speaker 10 This show brought to you by ExpressVPN, Shopify, and Bridespick.

Speaker 89 Sam Talent is going to Royal Oak, Michigan, Vermont, and Denver Comedy Comedy Works over Thanksgiving weekend.

Speaker 18 Sam?

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Thank you. SamTalent.com.

Speaker 8 It's an honor.com.

Speaker 24 My entire life.

Speaker 89 Comedy.com.

Speaker 42 He's the co-host, wanted host of co-host wanted. It's all over YouTube.

Speaker 44 He's going to Fort Worth, Texas, Maine.

Speaker 38 Get tickets at MikeVeenyComedy.com.

Speaker 17 Elaine,

Speaker 17 what can I say? Plug yourself.

Speaker 43 Tell them all about what you're working on.

Speaker 30 Guys, my grandson, Adam Ray, is doing the final Dr. Phil Live in Los Angeles Angeles on December 16th.
And then he just launched a huge theater tour for next January through April.

Speaker 30 Vegas, New York, Boston, Denver, Portland, Seattle, AdamRayComedy.com.

Speaker 24 I love you guys.

Speaker 8 Support her grandson, AdamRayComedy.com.

Speaker 43 Literally, one of the biggest stars to ever come out of this show.

Speaker 110 Dr.

Speaker 18 Phil, Elaine, Jeremy, Tony Hinchcliffe, Adam Ray, full of surprises. Your grandson is amazing.

Speaker 43 We love him.

Speaker 11 Literally like the greatest thing that ever happened to the show.

Speaker 18 You're unbelievable. One more time for Elaine, everybody.

Speaker 43 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 24 Ebel is in.

Speaker 89 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Speaker 43 Whoa, Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 11 Look out.

Speaker 102 Red Dan.

Speaker 30 Check out the SunsetStripATX.com. Lovely.

Speaker 89 Tickets, a few tickets are still available for the arena New Year's Eve here.

Speaker 41 So for those of you complaining that you can never get tickets to kill Kiltoni, this is your only chance.

Speaker 18 I'm also doing stand-up in an arena in Salt Lake City. What can go wrong in Utah in an arena November 1st?

Speaker 18 Yikes.

Speaker 67 So much fun.

Speaker 18 We love you guys.

Speaker 17 God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America.

Speaker 18 Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 18 Call me for a titty bum.

Speaker 18 Call me for a titty bum.

Speaker 18 Calling for a kitty bar

Speaker 18 Calling for a city far

Speaker 18 Calling for a city bar

Speaker 145 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 145 Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 146 With Sikasso, there's a moment when the world stops rushing, when when you realize you're exactly where you belong.

Speaker 146 It might be watching the sunrise paint the Himalayas gold or sharing wine with a family in Tuscany.

Speaker 146 These are invitations to discover who you become when you arrive. Zicaso led you here.
With life-enriching travel designed exclusively for you, discoverzikaso.com.

Speaker 146 And I need it more

Speaker 146 I can't wait to bed and the smell never leaves

Speaker 141 I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark The sweet deck short smells like a dark barny rinse it tonight Downy rinse fights stubborn odors in just one wash when impossible odors get stuck in