#740 - FLUFFY + SAL VULCANO

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Big blood for Brian Ray family.

He's a gentleman live in the flesh.

And oh my god, I bought one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Fernando Castillo, Raúl, Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

We have a real fly here again.

Fuck yeah.

Back door must be open.

I love it.

We need the zapper.

We need our tennis racket zapper.

We got the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

John Dees

on the keys.

And this is D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

This episode is brought to you by Nick Talkspace and Quo.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on.

This week is no different.

Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best guests in the show's history.

Two of the best comedians on all of planet Earth.

Make some fucking noise for Fluffy and Sal Volcano, everybody.

Oh, yeah.

They are on their feet.

Sal Volcano.

The great Fluffy, ladies and gentlemen.

Fluffy

and Sal.

Oh, my God.

The place is in a raucous.

Hell yeah.

Fuck yes.

The crowd is electric.

Surprise.

I don't know if you guys are excited that it's us or that you didn't pay for us.

Yeah.

It's always a big surprise.

Thank you.

Table of very happy thick Latino men over there that are just out of control right now.

Relax, gentlemen.

Relax over there.

This is going to be like the fucking Super Bowl halftime show.

Bunch of thick Mexicans in the fucking floral shirts going ballistic over here.

Fluffy is back, ladies and gentlemen.

He's on tour of FluffyGuy.com

and the long-awaited return of the great Salvolcano.

He's on tour of Chicago, New York, Nashville, the Chicago Theater, Beacon Theater, Ryman Theater, SalvolcanoComedy.com.

You guys have both been on this show before.

You know how it works, but look at how stacked this bucket is.

I mean, hundreds and hundreds of names, literally overflowing to the top.

You guys know how it works.

I pick a name, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview.

They get feedback from my esteemed panel.

We're going to have a lot of fun.

The entire thing's improvised.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

I'm going to let this guy that looks like every murder documentary that kills his wife

pick the first name.

Wow, right off the middle top, a real simple fuck you are, huh?

Didn't even dig in there at all.

Unbelievable, you suspicious motherfucker.

I feel like I caught you off guard predicting that you're going to eventually kill your wife here.

And you're just like, okay, let's just keep this moving.

While we go wrangle that comedian, that first very lucky bucket pull, I have one of the most interesting golden ticket winners in the show's history here to start tonight.

We have not had him on this show for six months straight because

there was a big competition in Nashville, Tennessee, and the person who had the least response had to take six months away from the show.

He has been working so hard at so many open mics continuously for this moment, right now, that will start tonight's episode.

This is the long-awaited return of brand new minute from Drew Nickens.

I love that Kill Tony's on Netflix.

But if one more person asked me, if I'm going to be on Love on the Spectrum next year,

I'm going to have a fucking meltdown.

Because I know I have my issues.

I'm not the first black comic you can't understand on stage.

And I have trouble regulating my emotions.

Y'all saw Nashville.

And I'm not trying to go on a date that consists of figuring out every number in pie and a dinner of dino nuggies and conquestables.

But the training museum would be fucking sick, am I right?

I can't smoke weed because I don't want to to kill people

but if I did smoke weed my thoughts would make a lot more sense

like I think dominoes are just flat dice

I think of a tr

I think I think if a trans man has a better beard than me it's cheating

Because they're using performance enhancing drugs.

I think Shaggy rescued scooby-doo from an asian household

because how else would scooby-doo say lululemon

run row

and i think lesbians can't wear braces

because if they did they'd be called box cutters

really tatten that pussy up thank y'all that's my time look at that drew nickens

Squeezing in a full minute 30.

Let him go

Great stuff Drew.

Thank you for having me, Tony.

I'm glad to be here.

Heck yeah, you look fantastic, dude.

Yes, sir.

Wow.

I mean, wow.

Sometimes I forget you are black.

Hell yeah, brother.

Whoa, look out.

I wasn't going to say that word, John.

Don't worry.

I love it.

I forget you're black and then you come with a shirt from the Steve Harvey collection over here.

I mean, look at that fucking thing.

That is incredible.

Where do you get a shirt like that, Drew?

The Polo, Ralph Lauren Polo Outlet.

Wow, the outlet.

Yeah, $75.

Hell yeah.

And you get your hair cut from the electrical outlet.

Yeah.

Amazing, Drew.

So tell us about these six months off.

What's it been like for you?

You've been working hard?

So the first month was a little crazy, little tough, but I was like, you know what?

I'm never going to give up on my dream.

And so I went and I did 90 minutes a week of stand-up, no matter where it was.

Three people, 300 people, whatever I could do, I was there to do it.

And I opened for Adam Ray in July, and I did really well in front of a thousand people in my old casino.

Your old casino.

He owned a casino?

Yeah, you had your own casino?

No, no, no.

I used to lose a lot of money at this casino in top of it.

A shit time.

Me too, bro.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I love it, Drew.

Well, fantastic stuff.

You've never smoked weed before?

I don't smoke weed.

I haven't smoked weed in three years.

Okay, what was it like when you were smoking weed?

I was very paranoid and very sad.

Oh, okay.

It didn't work that way.

And I was like, you know what?

Junior say I'll smoke weed.

And you know what?

He did.

So let's not do that.

Okay, that's an interesting way of looking at it.

A hell of a segue.

Yeah.

Just say you don't like the Chargers, bro.

I am a Commanders fan, dog.

Okay, Boris.

All right.

Well, Drew, amazing stuff.

What did you think about Drew, Sal?

It was good to see you again.

Last time I was here, you were here, so it's nice to see you again.

It's crazy you found the only shirt louder than yourself.

But yeah,

you look surprised to be here, even though you know damn well that you're here.

Which I like.

That's what I like about you.

There's always a very surprise.

You look surprised right now that I'm speaking.

You did it, Drew.

You came back.

Very funny set.

Great stuff.

Way to get the show started.

Thank you so much.

Can I just say that that joke about the flat dice, I'm like, how many people were like, oh my God, I've never

unsee that.

I was like,

wow.

Okay.

It's amazing.

Very great personality memory.

And I'm the guy that drowned in a float, almost drowned in a float tank like two weeks ago.

Wait, how did you almost drown in a float tank?

Okay, so

I was thinking about Gilmore.

How do you not look surprised at that?

So I was thinking about Gilmore Girls and Wrestling while I was in the float tank.

You were thinking about what?

Gilmore Girls, the TV show, and wrestling.

Gilmore Girls.

Wow.

That's an interesting combination.

I know, right?

Fuck Rory.

She's a piece of shit.

Anyways,

but I was relaxing and then I fell asleep and then i just kind of went all the way down and i was just like oh and it's 10 inches of water 10 inches is a lot ayo um

and uh yeah i woke up and i was like oh shit i don't want to get out of this giant airpod because if i do they're gonna know something's wrong so i sat cross-legged for 15 minutes

Yeah, it was embarrassing.

Okay.

And so and then someone recognized me and like, I was like really quiet.

It was awkward, but it's pretty cool.

Glad you made it, bro.

So then it's true what they say about black people in swimming.

Yeah.

10 inches of water.

Drew Nickens, you did it, buddy.

Congratulations.

He's back.

The return of Drew Nickens, the record holder for most appearances ever on one episode of the show.

His first night on the show.

He came out like 11 times.

Anything anything can happen this is our first bucket pull of the night everybody we're gonna meet these people all together make some noise for this person is a minute from jd madison everybody here we go

what's up y'all uh i'm gonna stage dive after so you two get ready to catch all right uh Now the headline tomorrow would be three dead, seven injured, 16 missing.

But

so, yeah, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts.

One of which is like, I don't think you can really call yourself straight until you jack off to gay porn for the first time.

So think about it.

Like, if you're over 30, we grew up with the AIDS crisis, and our parents telling us gay people are bad.

So you gotta test that shit out, man.

I like to do it once a year, just on my birthday, make sure I'm still good.

A little gift to myself,

comfort my own sexuality.

I am straight, though, so far.

But

got two kids.

My five-year-old's a little bit of a maniac.

She's obsessed with K-pop demon hunters, if you guys know that one.

It's really great, but like she wants to be one for Halloween, and I'm trying to figure out how much yellow face is appropriate for a five-year-old.

I don't need a repeat of the little mermaid incident.

So

that's my time.

I'm JD Madison.

Thank you.

JD Madison.

Welcome, JD.

This is your first time on, right?

Yes, sir.

I love it.

And how long you been doing stand-up?

This is my first time.

Whoa, first time ever.

Wow.

First time ever being on stage?

Not on stage, but first time doing stand-up.

Yeah, he's on stage.

He's your stand-in for

I'm your stunt double.

3x, 4x.

Forex, right?

4, yeah.

Yeah.

Call me.

Wow.

Look at this.

My guy.

It's like a...

This don't work out.

You got a job in the back, bro.

That's an amazing talent being able to guess how many X's on that guy's shirt.

I'm fucking impressed.

You're like fat guy Rain Man or something like that.

That is incredible.

I never would have known that that's a 4X.

Yeah.

incredible what do you do for work jd madison uh i'm a i.t consultant okay fun stuff all right and you've been doing that your whole life uh consulting for a few years but i've been in it for like 20 years how old are you 42 42 what made you want to start stand up now uh so like i lost my dad during covid and uh you know the older i get the more i'm like man you're fucking running out of time dude like do what makes you happy i love making people laugh i love that that's why i'm here i love that was your

Was your dad a big guy too?

No, he was tall, but he wasn't, you know, this.

Right.

Exactly.

You mean amazing?

It's the greatest thing anyone's ever said to me in my life.

Fluffy.

Tell us more, JD.

What do you do for fun?

You have any special skills or talents?

Well, obviously, I like to cook.

Yeah.

A big Texas barbecue guy.

I smoke, you know, all that good stuff.

Love basketball.

I have Spur season tickets.

I'm from San Antonio.

Wow.

And all that.

Incredible.

Absolutely amazing.

Do you ever play basketball?

You're just shaped like one.

No.

I mean, when I was a teenager, and I used to wrestle with my sexuality.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

All right.

What's your love life like now?

I'm married, two kids, so you know, it's pretty good.

Okay.

But every year on your birthday,

even though you're married with two kids, you're still testing out to see if you're gay every year.

I mean, how do you know if you don't?

Could you call it an intrusive thought?

Yeah.

How intrusive is it?

I mean,

at least yearly.

I don't know if that's that intrusive, yet it's still intrusive, yearly.

Yeah.

What does the wife do for a living?

She actually went to school to be a pediatric psych nurse, but she's married to me now, so she doesn't do that anymore.

She's a school nurse, actually.

Okay.

Cool.

You ever worry about her banging any of the students?

That's a thing that's happening nowadays.

I mean, they're middle schoolers, so they probably have tiny dicks so far.

I'm not worried about it.

She probably does it once a year just to see if she.

JD Madison.

So interesting.

42.

How did it feel up there?

Is there anything surprisingly different that shocked you about your first time?

No, I mean,

stage was small.

I didn't expect this many laughs, that's for sure.

So I'm really happy about that.

But it's great, man.

Yeah.

Wow.

Amazing.

All right, JD.

Well, you have a whole thing ahead of you, even though

it was just okay.

It was great for a first time.

set

better than my first set yeah better than my first set so way to go.

Thank you, man.

Great confidence, man.

And you're leaving here with a big joke book.

There you go.

Boom.

Right into that.

Right into the tit.

Great catch.

The old titty catch.

Hey, your dad, your dad's looking down on you right now, man.

I'm just wondering if you're gay or not, but yeah.

There he goes, JD Madison, everybody.

All right, so you get it.

The show has begun.

And straight into our oh

my god.

Wow.

Have you ever seen anything more pretty than the great Heidi everybody

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It's good to be right.

Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody.

Goes by the name of Mike Holloway, everyone.

Here we go.

Here comes Mike Holloway.

Every time I shower,

I dry off.

And then over the next few minutes,

every bit of moisture that I missed from my entire body

travels to my balls

and stays there.

Somehow, even the water I missed from my legs defies gravity

and ends up there.

And I have to dry my balls twice.

So, since all roads lead to Rome,

I decided to call my balls Romulus and Remus.

It's an ancient Roman history joke.

It's also a joke about my balls.

Twofer.

That one hits the highbrow and the lowbrow.

Moving on to my dick.

My dick likes to hang to the right, but I like it on the left.

We're always going back and forth about it.

All right.

Mike Holloway.

Old Wet Balls Holloway.

Welcome back to the show, Mike.

I remember you being here because your face is absolutely unforgettable.

It is an incredible thing.

Remind us, Mike, how long you've been on stand-up?

About six years.

Six years.

Where at?

Mostly in Kansas City.

And what do you do for work?

I'm a cook.

You're a cook?

Pizza planner, right?

No.

Where are you a cook at?

Tatville.

Okay.

What do you mostly make?

What's your specialty?

Salisbury steak?

No, we do steak, we do pastas, we do burgers.

Awesome.

What do you do for fun when you're not working, Mike, and you're not doing stand-up?

You look like you have some real creepy fucking hobbies.

Pick up chicks outside of a hot topic or something like that.

No.

You look like you sometimes work part-time, letting people onto festival rides or something.

No,

I don't really do a whole lot besides work and comedy right now, but

I like to play beach volleyball.

Really?

When in Kansas City, I was just on a beach volleyball team.

I never would have guessed beach volleyball.

That's incredible.

There's a ball involved.

That's true.

Sometimes it rolls into the water, it gets wet.

You're playing with wet balls all over again.

Mike, anything crazy about your family, your history, your childhood?

Anything that you think makes you different than everybody else in the world?

I was an oldest child, a middle child, and an only child.

Okay.

So you were an only child.

And then

there was a kid.

My mom and my dad.

Between my mom and my dad, I was the only child.

My dad had two older kids before me, and then

two younger.

So I'm a middle child there, and then I was the oldest of my mom's kids.

Wow.

Yeah, they were divorced like when I when I was like a year old.

Okay,

fuck.

Yeah, nothing to really go on.

Not much to work with there.

Let's check in with Romulus and Remus down there.

Do you have any kids?

No.

No?

Okay.

That I know of.

It's crazy that you don't have any kids because you have the face of an actual sperm.

It's an amazing face.

What's your love life like?

You got a girlfriend chained up to a radiator right now somewhere?

No.

It's the last date you went on.

What was that like?

I haven't dated anybody in about

seven or eight years.

Why do you think that is exactly?

Because I have HPV.

Wow.

How do you get HPV from aggressively masturbating?

That's what I do now.

So let's talk about the HPV.

How did you get it?

Tell us about this magical night.

This took a turn quickly.

Yeah.

I love it.

I just keep digging until I find something extremely interesting, like an HPV breakout.

You are the breakout star of the night so far.

You have an HPV special coming out on HPV.

All right.

Yes.

Yes.

Do you remember the night that you got it?

No.

No,

I don't know when I got it.

There was a period where it could have been a number of dirty sluts.

Wow, so it's amazing.

Dude.

Yeah.

I was just having empathy for you.

Yeah, right.

You thought something happened to him, and then you realized he's probably paying for that as dirty slot.

Sweet guy, you're honest.

You don't have to share that.

Then you went, you just fucking dirty slut did it to me.

It's amazing.

You haven't been on a date six, seven, eight years or whatever you've said.

And meanwhile, you were such a dirty dirt ball back in the day that you don't even know how you got it.

Yep.

Wow.

I grew up fat.

Like I was.

Me too?

Yeah.

I was almost 400 pounds.

Whoa,

that's like a 4X.

Yeah.

It's actually a five.

So what's it like?

How often do you see like a breakout or something like that?

What's it like?

Is it on your balls, your penis?

That's total caudal flower dick.

dick oh my god absolutely incredible

does what's it smell like red band why would you say something like that there's children watching around the world right now that is a disgusting thing what does it smell like have you ever smelled it have you ever like touched it i don't really smell it but red band if you really want to smell it i might let you smell it wow red band's never been near any kind of cauliflower before so this is very exciting he avoids vegetables at all costs are you saying it's you're you're broken out right now you got it you gotta it's not a breakout thing it's just like always always have

wow

save it off oh my god it just looks like the joker's face paint down there

do you know how i got this

do you know how i got because i don't know how i got this that is incredible so have you ever like uh have you ever like told a girl and she's like i'm down i don't care yeah my last girlfriend girlfriend.

Wow.

Tell us about her.

This is she was crazy though.

Yeah.

Last I heard she was serving a 12-year prison sentence for

kidnap rape or not rape kidnap torture

They like oh torture.

Oh good.

Okay.

Thank God.

Thank God

This almost got weird

Do you know what she did?

How did she kidnap and torture somebody?

You must have gotten I don't know all the details, but what I heard was that they had somebody in like a dog kennel cage, and they were like beating them and throwing hot, like, boiling water on them and cutting them and stuff like that.

Wow.

I mean, we do that to Drew Nickens, like, once a month, but that's crazy.

This was well after she broke up with me.

Yeah, what a bitch.

What the fuck does that do to your self-esteem?

Absolutely amazing.

You got a little joke book last time, I'm right.

I got a big one.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

There he goes.

He's did it again.

Mike Holloway, everybody.

We're going to keep it moving.

Wow.

That woman's in prison with an HPV

cauliflower pussy right now.

Amazing.

Imagine the lips on her.

Wow.

Red band.

This episode is brought to you by Nick Talk Talk Space and Quo.

Make some noise for your third bucket pull of the night.

It's Ernest Evans Sr.,

everybody.

Hell yeah.

Man, I just moved into a safe white neighborhood.

I know lofty goals, white people.

Thank you.

But now my kids got white friends.

And I can't say the shit that I normally say around my kids because they got white friends.

I mean, I don't say the N-word N-word a lot, but my friends, they use the N-word like Frank's Red Hot.

They put that nigga on everything.

So I'm taking my daughter and her little white friend to get some ice cream.

You know what I'm saying?

Bumping some two chains.

And my phone rings on Bluetooth.

It's one of my Army buddies.

The first thing out of his mouth is, nigga, nigga.

I'm like, hey, hold on, bro.

Chill out.

Chill out.

I got a little white girl in the car.

He like, oh, nigga, you kidnapping now?

I'm like, no, bro, no, shit.

We just going to get some ice cream.

Shit, chill out.

So, meanwhile, I'm looking back in the review mirror.

She looking at me, smiling and shit like she ain't on the joke.

I say, don't worry.

She says, don't worry.

My daddy says it all the time.

I'm like, oh, shit.

I'm Ernest Man.

Fantastic Ernest Evans Sr.

making his his Kill Tony debut.

Yeah.

Welcome, Ernest Evans Sr.

TMC, baby.

What's up?

What's up?

Have you been on the show before?

Yeah, about a

year to this date.

Matt Reif was the

appreciate you.

They say,

forget it.

How's life been since your last time on?

Good, man.

Shit, producing shows around here, being funny, trying to get in, man.

HBO, help her brother out.

I love it.

You went from HPV to HBO.

Incredible.

amazing Ernest remind us what do you do for work man I'm a veteran 22 years in the army but now I work for the state

yes sir you work for the state yes sir what do you do for the state I'm a management analyst

a what

process improvement specialist process improvement specialist oh now you now you know yeah I know you got it Wu-Tang what is a process can you give us a third explanation

what is a process improvement?

So I just take all the processes that we do in the state and try to streamline them, make them efficient, make them better?

You couldn't lead with that?

Well, shit, I knew you knew.

I didn't know.

I was like, Sal.

I don't know why he's working, though.

He's fucking funny.

I appreciate that, sir.

You're funny.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah.

Thank you.

It's amazing.

You are very funny.

Thank you.

The confidence is next level, too.

I love this.

Yeah.

But people say I look like Jamie Foxx, so

I'm going to make it do what it do, baby.

It was pretty cool in a minute.

It felt like a set in a minute.

You had a beginning, a middle, and end.

Yes, sir.

That's like, that doesn't happen a lot.

So it was nice to see something that well-rounded in a minute.

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

It is amazing, Ernest.

What do you do for fun when you're not performing?

Fish?

Shit.

I'm trying to do this full time.

I'm trying to quit my job, man.

Shit.

I'm trying to, all that.

Okay.

Yeah.

So jokes, fish, chill with the kids.

Grandkids.

Okay.

Your grandfather.

I am.

I got two grandkids.

Wow, look at you.

Done a lot of shit.

You look very young.

The only reason I think you're older is because of the gray, but otherwise, you know, I guess that's it.

Yeah.

Black don't crack, right?

It don't.

It don't.

Well, I got three gym memberships, so that shit better pan out.

Well, you took mine.

Come on, man.

You keep it.

All right, yeah.

You probably don't want this Planet Fitness.

Why do you have three gym memberships?

Well, CrossFit,

got

the YMCA, because I'm 45, got kids and shit.

You know what I'm saying?

And then LA Fitness.

Okay.

You already know he's Mexican.

They be all LA Fitness.

La Fitness.

La Fitness.

La Fitness, baby.

Amazing stuff, Ernest.

What exactly do you do at the YMCA?

What's different at the Y that you don't have at LA Fitness?

Free child care shit.

Free childcare?

Free hell yeah, Tony.

I don't understand.

Explain that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Show up to that bitch.

You'd be like, hey, take these kids.

Hey, take them and you go work out.

Wow.

I didn't know that.

That's awesome.

I didn't know they had that.

Hell yeah.

For real.

That's amazing.

But I don't be at the gym, though.

I go to the club and shit.

Hell yeah.

Gotta.

And go up and back.

Hey, I'm streamlining processes.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, man.

Wow.

What's it like being a grandfather?

Tell us about that.

Man, it's lovely, bro.

Because you're young for a grandfather.

Yeah, I'm 45.

I had a kid when I was young.

So got my high school sweetheart pregnant at 18.

Wow.

Thought we was going to be together, went to AIT.

She was cheating on me and shit.

So came back and I was like, damn, now I got to join the army.

Man.

So that's how it happened.

It's a black woman?

Nah, she's white.

She's a white woman.

And she was cheating on you?

Like a motherfucker.

How did you find out that she was cheating on you?

How did you find out this white devil was cheating on you?

Man, I came back home, man.

She had hickeys and shit on her neck.

I was like, oh, hell no.

Oh, hell no.

It's right.

Hey,

who is somebody out here with their side chick right now?

Shit.

Yep.

Yep.

This guy's going to murder her eventually.

So she had hickeys on her neck, and you asked about it.

Did she try to make up an excuse or anything?

You know, she did.

Yeah, what did she say?

What did this white bitch say?

She said the baby was grabbing my neck.

I said, you're a goddamn lie.

The baby, two days old, ain't even that strong.

What's that?

Is that in your cell?

You ever talk about that on stage?

Yo, do that.

That's right there.

You should do that.

I got it right now.

I should.

Yeah.

I love EF, but drummer.

Hold on, let me ask the drummer if I should put it in my cell.

No, if I love you, but

my goodness.

And did she end up admitting it?

Did she end up coming clean that she was cheating on you, or did she lie down to the very end?

Man, cheaters don't admit shit, bro.

Yeah.

Still it admit it to this day.

But we cool now, so.

Right.

Yeah.

Until she sees this.

Right.

yeah

hell yeah until she see this

Ernest Evans you got a big joke book last time you were on yeah yes sir did you already fill it up I did well here's another one my friend

and Ernest I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday the secret show this Thursday Ernest Evans senior being booked on a real comedy gig here In Austin, Texas.

How fun.

Oh, hello again.

Geez, you're always there.

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Hey, what's up?

This is Joe from PassCast Podcast by Donut Media.

We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America.

It was basically 45 Days of Hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.

We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me.

It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes.

So check out Passcast wherever you get your podcasts.

We're just gonna keep flying right through it.

Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Pamela Galvez, everyone.

Pamela Galvez.

Hi, everybody.

So,

my boyfriend, he still goes to the pediatrician.

This is a true story.

I've been with him to the pediatrician twice.

And his pediatrician used to see his little baby balls, and now he gets to see where he empties his balls.

I know I'm fresh.

I usually like to ask people, hola,

if you could be an animal, which animal would you want to be?

If I could be an animal, ladies, I want to be a female seahorse.

Because the female seahorse, the guys, they fight over her.

And then whoever wins takes her on on dates.

And then she nuts her eggs into his sack.

And she leaves him pregnant with 500 babies,

and she's out.

So, like the female seahorse,

I'm out.

Wow.

Pamela Galvez.

I guess that was a comedy set.

Something like that.

Pamela.

Okay, let's talk about it.

Ola.

We both made the same face when she twerked, right?

Yeah, we're both like, oh, that's a different show.

one way to get them laughing.

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

It does smell like a seahorse up here all of a sudden.

My goodness.

Deep madness is sensitive to smells, so

Pamela.

Pamela, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Four years.

Where at?

All of it in Austin?

Huh?

All of it in Austin, Texas?

Austin, Miami, New York, LA, bada, bad, da, bad, da, bad, da, ba.

All everywhere.

Oh my goodness.

Bahamas.

I even did a show in the Bahamas.

Wow, incredible.

Hope you got that.

What?

Hope you got that.

Do you do it in so many places?

Because the place you do it in won't have you back.

I'm kidding.

you're you're a firecracker it's just I'm intimidated I am listen every so I just wanted to say you know usually everybody say oh oh my god I just lost 25 pounds well I just want to say I've gained 35 pounds

Wow

there's some fat people cheering for you out there

let's celebrate weight gain

Okay.

All right.

I don't know what RFK Jr.

would say about that, but

how do you do it?

You're so proud of your weight gain.

Tell us, what's your process?

How exactly are you packing on the pounds?

Eating, eating, eating.

Wow.

I love that she looks great.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know how it works.

I know how it works.

Right, that's what, you know.

What exactly is it where you are you eating though?

I know you're eating, but tell us what are some of your favorite things.

Hello, this is Texas.

I've been eating a lot of steak.

The steak is so good.

It's not the steak that's

sticking there.

That's just straight protein.

What type of carbs are you?

Steak.

Oh, God.

Potatoes and steak, baby.

Potatoes and steak.

Lots of steak.

Okay.

Steak, steak, steak.

I don't believe you.

I think there's a lot of sweets in there and late-night carbohydrates.

That's my guess.

Dutza de leche.

Mucho.

A lot of duts of leche.

Okay.

Again, Bad Bunny performing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Yes, that's right, because Cam was there, you know, yeah.

Right.

Okey-dokey.

Okay, what's your love life like, Pamela?

It seems like you would annoy the absolute dickens out of a human being.

They would just

lie about having cauliflower dick just to get away from you.

Something tells me she's eating that cauliflower dick.

Only steak, steak, steak, steak, steak.

Cauliflower has no carbs.

Some carbs.

Okay.

It's got some fatness to it.

Right?

It has some fatness to it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Pamela, what's your love life like?

You got a boyfriend?

No.

You date a lot?

You on the ass?

I'm just chilling like a villain, baby.

Okay.

Chilling like a villain.

I feel like I'm inside a TikTok right now.

Oh my gosh.

Are you a little drunk, Pamela?

No, I'm just excited and nervous to be here.

Okay.

I was going to ask the same.

Are you genuinely just stone sober right now?

Yeah, I mean, I got like some tequila, of course, but that's it.

Oh, that's it.

Yeah, that doesn't even have alcohol in it.

Tequila.

Just a tiny bit of tequila.

All right, Pamela.

And you want to ejaculate into men and give them five?

Yes,

I want to get you pregnant.

You pregnant.

You pregnant.

Hey, aim that.

Okay, you pregnant.

Amen over there.

Okay, you pregnant.

We'll have blue-eyed babies.

Yeah, let's do it.

Come on.

All right, Pamela.

We'll have some Mexican babies if I got you.

There you go.

There you go.

We'll have a blind baby if I got you pregnant.

Alright, Pamela, over here, Pamela.

Here, here's a little joke book.

I'm going to get you out of here before we get fucking.

Wow.

There she goes.

Pamela.

Pamela, put the mic in the mic saying.

Get the fuck out of here.

Literally, no one wants to see you dance.

There she goes.

Pamela Galvez, everybody.

Jesus Christ almighty.

All right, let's have some fun here.

Yeah.

I think I might be pregnant.

She got me a couple times.

You might have to move up to a 5X after this.

Might.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular here that is one of the biggest stars in all of comedy here with the brand new minute, future citizen of the United States of America.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Harvey Matthew.

I had my first American Advil

Holy shit

First of all I go to the pharmacy there's Advil and Advil instant

who the fuck

has a migraine

and sees those options and is like ah

I'll write this out for another 45

Dude, I put this Advil in my mouth and it tastes sweet.

You guys put sugar on your medicine.

You know the rest of the world doesn't do that.

The miracle is enough.

But only in America, even for those two seconds

when you're looking for that glass of water

Even for those two seconds can it not be the greatest country on earth, huh?

It's gotta be fucking

No wonder you guys are fat

You have sugar on your medicine.

The government is trying to kill you

That's the American government.

It fixes the migraine, but then slips you diabetes on the back end

Boy you guys are fat

Dude, I went to Dunkin' Donuts for the first time.

Dude, whatever happened to a plain donut?

It was good enough.

In Dunkin' Donuts, just everything.

Sprinkled, grazed, penetrated, just

fucking, Here you go.

More sugar.

Dunkin' Donuts has an early bird special.

If you go to Dunkin' Donuts between 7 and 8 a.m.

and you buy a donut, you get the second one for free.

Listen.

If you start your day with a donut,

the last thing you need

is another donut.

The great,

the powerful, the Estonian assassin has done it again.

Ari Matthew.

Wow.

What time is that again?

Sorry?

What time between 7 and 8?

7 and 8 a.m.

Hilarious stuff, my friend.

Absolutely incredible.

Wow.

I never thought of that before about the sweet.

It literally, the painkiller, sugar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Amazing.

You guys need to relax.

It is out of control.

It is out of control.

You know why, though, right?

Red band.

It's going your bloodstream faster.

Sugar?

You know that.

Yeah.

And he

keeps telling yourself.

Yeah.

No, it actually helps.

No,

it helps the.

he just sucks the candy part off the adult spits it out like a sunflower seed

throws another one in his mouth oh it's good for you

it's in a bloodstream i love it ari you are a huge fucking superstar you absolutely destroy everywhere you go Tell us about life a little bit.

How's it going?

How's it evolving?

How's it changing?

What's going on being a rock star?

Yeah, it's good.

Listen, we need more bitches in the kill tony fan group

every time i go out it's all dudes great set

great set dude i love your stuff

and then they try to fix my joke they're always like yeah you should say you raped your sister at the end

sure buddy

we need matt rife we need mad rife on the panel every fucking night where's the bitches at

Where's the bitches at?

I mean, there's a lot of lovely lovely ladies out here today.

I mean, there's a lot of...

Yeah,

every chick here came with their boyfriend, and they don't like the show.

Look at that wonder.

Look how pretty that girl is with the hat and the mustache and the Adam's apple right there.

What's up, Kid Rock?

Look at that.

Good to see you.

Yeah.

So, Ari, I mean, you're out there on the road.

What's going on?

What else is happening?

Nothing else crazy.

You've been anywhere?

Fun?

What do you like?

Where have you been?

Just doing gigs, riding my little bicycle around, you know.

That's what I do.

I ride my little bicycle around.

You got a bicycle now?

Yeah, I don't have a driver's license, so I got to do what I got to do.

Like an e-bike or regular bike?

No, red-band.

Regular.

Yeah, red-band one speed.

Anything that notes.

It only helps it get to the bloodstream.

So you got a little 10-speed?

You got a little 10-speed?

I just take the hills on old school, dude.

Wow,

e-bike.

By the way, I've seen two e-bikes at Redband's place.

They got fucking spider shit all over it.

There's a full civilization around his e-bikes.

There's a kill Tony happening

on his e-bike right now.

It's Avatar.

They really are.

There's a gay little cockroach going, unbelievable.

Those are some dusty e-bikes at Red Band's house.

Even with an electric motor, you can't get his ass out on the fucking streets.

No sun absorption.

When's the last time you went on a little e-bike ride and pressed only motor and never touched the pedals?

I can't use them because it can't park anywhere.

That's why I don't use it.

But I use like lime scooters every day.

But I used it like two weeks ago.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

Where'd you go?

I just ran my neighborhood and shit.

Yeah, Carl

Jr.

The Goonie shit, like, let's go exploring.

You know, they'll find dead bunnies and stuff.

Pedals look at Brian like, sure.

You said there's nowhere to park your e-bike.

That's why you don't go out.

Yeah, like I can't bring it here, you know.

I can't bring it to most places because it's like people steal that shit.

It's like a $6,000 bike.

Yeah, you don't want it stolen.

So you better not ever take it out anywhere.

You just leave it in your apartment.

You don't want it to get stolen.

That's why you don't ride your bike.

Duncan lets you park them.

Duncan donies.

Seven to eight.

Double doughnuts.

Double your donuts.

Where do you park your bike?

Let's help Red Ban out a little bit.

Maybe we can get his fat ass out of the apartment.

But it is a stress.

Like I went to a Trader Joe's the other day, and then

when you see the bike,

the rack.

This guy knows.

The rack.

I always, sometimes they're full, full, so you try to pick because my bicycle is nice.

So I try to pick which bike to put my bike next to, and I try to tell a story of what this guy's lifestyle is like, so I try to find, like, a nice bike to go with my nice bike.

And then, dude, like a week ago, I come out, and my bike is just hanging, like, all fucked up.

And I saw who that motherfucker, it was an e-bike, by the way.

Of course.

Lives e-bike is.

Just took his bicycle, left mine in the dirt.

I'm gonna find him.

I'm gonna go to Trader Joe's every day.

I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.

Because I'm obsessed about scratches, dude.

They have like there's three new scratches on my bicycle, dude.

I almost fucking rented a U-Haul and drove through a fucking Sabrina Carpenter concert at ACL.

Feel my pain.

Just fucking vapes and labooboos flying.

Oh my god.

So funny.

Dude, ACL has a lot of these whores, dude.

Oh yeah.

It really is.

And I'm 33.

And when I look at young girls now, I don't want to fuck them anymore.

I just want to raise them.

You know, just

tie a bitch down and yell at her like.

Dressed like this, huh?

There's a breeze coming.

Did you partake in any of the ACL activities fuck no?

It's a pretentious fucking festival full of fucking fake terrible lineups.

Yeah, terrible get the fuck out of here Sabrina Carpenter.

Sure.

I want to become a whore

Yeah, as we all know the great Sabrina

Outside in a porter body $400 tickets.

Dude, if I it's $400, by the way.

Crazy.

Dude, if it's $400, fly me in with a helicopter, dude.

Yeah.

I'm not taking a shit in a porta body.

Yeah.

It is unbelievable.

There's just nothing good.

The lineups aren't good, and it's just a ton of people.

I went last year.

Who did I see?

Oh, the red-hot chili peppers.

No, no, that's fire.

It was so mediocre.

Huh.

So mediocre.

California, California.

Oh, you have a personal.

Yeah.

It's just a thing.

They're old now, too.

You know, they're like real old.

Real old?

Yeah.

Damn.

Not so chilly anymore.

Yeah.

Red hot.

I don't know.

I didn't have a riff about that.

Hey, Gabriel, last time I was on, remember that merch incident?

Oh, by the way, yeah, last time I was here, he almost got one of my employees fired.

Because I

covered a scam in your organization.

You're watching your merch now, huh?

I'm watching, yeah.

Don Detroit.

castinero

follow it

You don't realize I went back and I showed the video clip of him outing my merch guy and my merch guy Ivan Ivan Ivan

Yeah, thank you Ivan I still have six bottles of fluffy tapatillo by the way

It is so good.

I swear to God I something about your label makes it a little bit better than normal tapatillo which we love

and you have a special edition now right or Or something that came out.

Oh, yeah, black label.

I went to

what's that like?

Extra spicy?

It's just a label.

Extra black.

You know what I mean?

Shit.

This shit.

It's hot sauce.

You're going to shit water out of your ass.

Just David Jolly on the label.

Just

Black hot sauce, ladies and gentlemen.

So, anyway, watching the merch, a lot better.

A lot better.

So, thank you for uncovering that.

That was the best review to let me know what was going on.

There's t-shirts everywhere right now.

In Ukraine, dude, half the soldiers are wearing fluffy hats.

Even the Russians.

Yeah, both sides.

You know that Spider-Man meme?

Oh, God.

Too funny, Ari.

You are truly one of the best in the world.

Unbelievable.

Go see him live.

Killers of Kill Tony touring all over.

Everything's amazing.

It's all happening, people.

That dude's a legend it's incredible you should i mean in his longer sets he just comes out guns ablazen and does not chill at all he is non-stop relentless one more time for our e-maddie everybody

all right we found him in the bucket and anything can happen we found every regular golden ticket winner of all time out of this simple bucket it could happen right now anything can happen make some noise for your next bucket pool it's chatto everyone chado

what's up guys

yeah just uh want to let you know i'm pretty proud i've never uttered the phrase i have a black friend

yeah

i've been called the white friend on many occasions which is always awkward because you have to tell him i would never be friends with a black guy

i'm not racist no no it's it's my wife she's gonna try to fuck them.

No, she leaves me little hints around the house.

Like the other day, she got me this book.

She left it out of my nightstand.

It's called How to Make a Woman Orgasm.

I don't know how it ended.

I didn't finish it.

I knew it was too complicated for me because the first page said, lick your fingers to turn these pages.

Fuck this.

But I have a lot of collections.

I don't pay anybody back.

If I owe you, if it ain't getting cut, it ain't getting paid.

All right.

Yeah.

So one of the biggest collections I have is to a sex shop, an adult store.

You know, one of these...

Oh, never mind.

I'm not paying you.

Fuck you.

I'm Chado.

Thanks a lot.

Okay, Chado.

It's nice of you to stop your Twitch stream to be here.

Thank you.

You look fantastic, Chado.

It's incredible, Sal.

I like how you came out and pointed to the other Joe Dirt.

Yeah.

Game recognized game.

Hell yeah.

Chado, remind us.

How long you've been doing stand-up?

I'm going on four years now, all here in Austin.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

I own a campus college and I write books.

I

wrote novels and children's books for adults, also.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah.

How's that going?

Good?

No, it's nobody knows who I am.

Going by Chado is very hard for people to find you.

Writer Chado.

Okay.

All right.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gabe.

No, just oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Why do you go by Chado?

Because the last name, if I pronounce it, it's not spelled that way.

It's just hard to find or hard to understand or hard to say.

So doing open mics, it was just easier to cut it down.

And you really do have a wife?

I really do.

I think she's in the backyard about three, four feet down right now.

But yeah, she's good.

What do you mean by that?

No, she's not dead.

I was just kidding.

Oh.

Not yet.

Amazing.

Yeah.

What does does she do?

She works for U-Haul.

She takes calls.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

She answers the phone at U-Haul.

From home.

Yeah.

Wow.

Incredible.

She's a white lady?

Yeah, believe it or not.

Yeah.

Okay.

And have you made her, do you actually make her orgasm?

Yeah, we've been married 26 years.

How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?

You ask me this.

We do a lot of things, but the latest thing is I kind of wait for her to fall asleep and make sure she's gone, and then i just jerk off

very exciting

do you do you watch something on your phone or do you use your imagination apparently that wakes her up and so yeah

you got you got to keep on the dl you know but yeah the headphones help but then again she's just watching you for three minutes you don't even know she's just calling your name out and like

so she's sleeping and you're jerking off yeah yeah and then it's uh children's books you say you're right yeah for adults for adults.

They're for

slow adults.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it.

Oh, it.

Oh, for real.

It's a book for children.

I brought you guys some today, actually.

You did?

Yeah, if you guys would like.

That's different.

You usually give out books.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Where's one at?

They're coming right now, I believe.

Wow.

He has an assistant.

Let me see one of those, Heidi.

Let's see what we got here.

What do we got?

So these are based on my stand-up, so they're hilarious.

Wow.

Yeah, so they must be bedtime stories then.

Okay.

Based on stand-up comedy by Chado, Stevie J moves to the burbs.

Stevie J.

Chad, what is your actual full last name?

It's hard to pronounce it.

It's O Shefsky, but it's spelled O-L-S-H-A-V-S-K-Y.

So, yeah.

O.

Yeah, Chado.

I noticed, just looking through this real quick, half the time you use Stevie J, but then other times you just use Stevie.

Like, what's going on here?

Why would...

Yeah, some people don't use their last name all the time.

It's just sometimes, you know.

No.

Yeah, thanks for pointing out the continuity of my errors.

Not gonna lie, this looks like a book about Jesus.

Yeah,

it's based on myself, obviously, you know.

Oh, wait, so your wife is the illustrator.

Yes, she is.

Oh, why didn't you say that?

Well,

these are unbelievable illustrations.

Can we not make everything about the bitch?

Come on.

She's kind of.

Wait, that's not AI.

They're really good illustrations.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

She does good.

Red Band thinks it's AI.

Is your wife AI?

Actually, my wife is not, but she does use AI and then Photoshop to make them.

Wow.

AI is very

Disney quality type artwork.

Yeah, it really is.

She does good work.

Yeah, it's really hard to get AI to be consistent, and she does a really good job making it happen like that.

Wow.

It's our movie.

Prompters.

Prompts.

Steve Jay is make better.

Make better.

Make better.

Make better.

This is good enough.

Yeah.

It's good enough.

It's amazing being able to utilize AI for your art.

It's just incredible.

Make a little better.

More urban.

More urban.

Okay, Chado.

You have a little joke book?

I got a big one last time.

Okay, well there you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's Chado.

We're going to keep it moving along.

Chado after Ari Maddie is like

uh it's like uh

it's like uh it's like a sugar-free lemonade after a shot at tequila or something like that.

Oh my goodness, look at that.

Speak of the devil, Heidi.

All right, this looks like a new name.

This could be fun.

Make the noise for who Leo, everybody.

We're gonna meet who Leo out of the bucket right now.

Wow,

Julio

so

my mom raised an autism child and raised me and ended up wishing both her kids turned out retard

My dad I would get in a lot of trouble so my dad was like hey

I get in trouble when I hang out with my friend my very best friend Johnny Walker he gives me invisibility powers so I'm like you mean like superhero?

He's like, yeah, every time I go with my friend and I get home and your mom looks at me and goes, I can't even look at you right now.

Can't even see you like this.

I used to be gay.

I went to one of those pray the gay out of you Jesus camps.

And now I'm having all kinds of heterosexual sex.

Wow.

There you go, bro.

Julio.

Amazing.

I have so many questions.

Wow.

You're excited.

Hi, Julio.

Welcome.

Hi.

I'm very first comedian.

Very first comedian.

First time.

First time doing statements.

Very first comedian.

I've been to two of them, Mike.

Okay.

I love it.

You can barely fucking speak the language.

This is incredible right now.

Absolutely amazing.

So far, so good, Julio.

Thank you.

Yeah, man.

I got more.

Puerto Rico.

Whoa,

hell yeah.

Wow.

You're like, uh, you're like a.

Okay.

Yeah.

How long have you been in America?

How many days have you been in America?

No, January 99.

January 99.

January of 1999.

Excuse the footing.

There's a lot of whys.

The month of January.

Y9.

She's mine.

Okay, so Julio, what is it?

Is it San Juan or whereabouts in Puerto Rico?

It's like by Yamun, like 10 miles away from.

It's a metro area, yeah.

Okay.

All right, okay.

The metro area.

Are you or were you gay or is that just a joke?

Look at the watch, bro.

Look at the watch.

He's still gay.

Sorry, bro.

Esse reload.

Come on.

My like ambiguous now.

I didn't know if that was a genuine joke.

It's the kind of stuff I dream about.

You went to a Jesus camp or whatever it was?

No, no.

No, that's just a joke.

My imagination for joke.

Talk loud, Julio.

My imagination for joke.

Your imagination.

Oh, so yeah.

Okay.

So you're straight.

So you're straight.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

He's definitely not fucking straight, Sal.

What are you talking about?

You said having all kinds of straight sex coins on there.

Coming to kill Tony is like when Neo go to the Oracle, you know, I'm like, yeah, I want to find out if I'm really here or not.

Wow.

I need live subtitles right now.

This is incredible.

I'm calling ICE.

Me, me, me.

Puerto Rico is part of America.

I know.

Puerto Rico.

He's from Puerto Rico.

Tony's going to learn that Puerto Rico is part of America.

I fucking know.

I love it.

Trust me.

I didn't think I would understand someone less than Pamela.

Yeah, exactly.

It is incredible.

I'll be able to figure that out.

Okay.

What?

Like, so that you're gonna understand me.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're doing good.

Julio, what do you do for work?

I'm a flight simulator technician.

Wait, what do you mean?

Like, a video game for airplanes that real pilots train on before you get to the other side.

Yeah,

you actually do that?

I used to build them before I worked maintaining them.

Wow.

Badass.

Look at that.

That's incredible.

Badass.

Yeah.

He doesn't have to speak to do that.

Yeah, exactly.

That's amazing, Julio.

And you've been doing that for how long?

Since 03.

Okay.

All right.

And do you have

a steady lover right now in your life?

Is Yeah.

Okay.

Is it a simulator?

You can't get cauliflower from a simulator.

Say what you want.

So where'd you meet this guy at?

Tell us about it, Julia.

It's actually a machine.

What?

My my bicycle.

It's my lover.

Your bicycle.

What do you say?

Hope it's not Ari's.

What do you mean?

I only dance with the machine, so like, I don't.

E-bike.

Julio, stick with me here.

What's your actual love life like in real life?

I'm swimming in it.

You're swimming in asshole.

What do you do, like, when you wanna...

I'm like...

If they tell me, oh, that was deep, Julio, and I'm like, I'm trying to touch your heart.

Jesus Christ, Red Band, trying to conduct a professional interview over here.

And I got you fart noising out of my left ear.

I can't understand a single fucking word this guy's saying.

I'm a little nervous.

That's it.

This guy fucking will not come all the way out of the closet.

It's the craziest thing.

He's like peeking through the door from the inside of the closet.

It's like, come on out, Julio.

I know you're in there.

We know you're in there, Julio.

Come out.

What's going on?

You afraid like mama and papa are watching from the metro area.

Oh, no.

San Juan, Puerto Rico.

They're proud.

Do they know you're gay?

My mom lives in San Antonio.

Your mom lives in San Antonio.

Hell yeah, the Puerto Rico of Texas.

I love it.

Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

Does your mom know you're gay?

I guess she knows now.

Wow.

Wait,

sorry.

So you are gay?

Yes.

He's gay.

This fucking guy is gay.

I'm playing him along.

I don't.

The more you speak, the more confused.

I can't.

I can't.

I feel really comfortable with my sexuality, so.

Yeah.

It's like,

no big deal.

No big deal.

So are you gay or straight?

I wish I liked hairy asses, you know, because that would be pretty cool.

Okay.

You're into women.

Yeah, yeah.

And guys.

No.

Have you ever been bicycles?

I mean, like.

Bicycles.

Yeah, You're a beautiful man, Tony.

Yes, I know.

Thank you.

Wow.

Wow.

How many of you think I should butt buck this guy right now?

That's right.

Okay, Kino, you don't have to do the light thing.

You don't have to make the lights go crazy.

Jesus, Kino.

Relax back there.

All right.

So the last person that you had sex with in real life was a woman.

Where did you meet this lady at?

On

dating site.

Talk loud, Julia.

Dating site?

Dating site.

What was the dating site?

It's like Tinder, I think.

Tinder, okay.

I'm on all of them.

Right, of course.

Because that's what straight guys do.

They get on all the sites.

Okay, so did you go on a date with her?

Did you go to a restaurant or something?

Yes.

What type of restaurant did you go to?

We went to the

Blue Star.

Blue Star Art District in San Antonio.

They They have a Halcyon or whatever.

A hacienda.

And they have tabletop s'mores.

If you want to smash on the first date,

get tabletop s'mores at

tabletop scores.

S'mores, s'mores.

S'mores.

S'mores.

Okay.

I feel weird.

Should I just translate for you?

Yes.

Absolutely.

This is so frustrating.

I feel like, yeah, back from a mom back in the the day.

I'll write it out.

I'll write it out.

I love it.

So, what made you want to start stand-up comedy here today, Julio?

I've always known I've had good ideas in my town.

They called me.

Gabriel, what the fuck you got out of this one?

What, what,

can I get a translator for my translator?

Simple de nião buenasi deas.

Fuck, I don't understand him in Spanish.

He said he always has good ideas.

Okay, good ideas.

Whoa, Red Band.

Wow, look at that.

That's that Advil talking about.

Yeah.

The sugar-coated Advil.

Julio, tell us more.

What do you do for fun?

Tell us more about yourself.

Smash s'mores.

Yeah.

I write BMX bikes.

BMX bikes.

So you're a bike rider.

Flatland BMX, yeah.

Oh.

That's kind of bike rider.

I mean, I try.

If I have money, I go to Puerto Rico and go big wave boogie boarding.

Oh, wow, boogie boarding.

Okay.

All right.

You're way more interesting than you let on when you speak.

I don't mean that as an insult.

I just mean like you're all over the place and you're hard to understand.

And then you say stuff like you simulate programs with flight instructors and you go wakeboarding.

And I'm like, oh, all right.

I'm confused.

I'm very confused.

You have a brother with autism as well.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

I wasn't sure like what was real and what it wasn't.

You're confused?

Yes.

Dear diary, jackpot.

Wow.

All right.

Let me ask you this.

This is your first time doing a big show like this.

Did you have more jokes on that paper that you didn't get to do?

You want to do them?

All right, here you go.

Do some more jokes.

I want to know what else Julio has here.

Everything starts with a Y.

Here he goes, doing another choice.

So when

since I'm older,

sometimes it doesn't work all the time, so I pray to Jesus to raise my penis Lazarus from the dead.

Okay, let's do another one.

I always, or

he writes like he talks.

Coming to XM,

it's a

station for trans black women.

Wait, what is trans black women?

What about it?

A radio station?

Radio station for trans black women.

Yes.

Okay.

It's called Transistor.

There's a banger.

That's a great joke.

That's funny.

There you go.

That's good, Julio.

I work on my electric bike, try to make it faster, and now it identifies as a motorcycle.

Very good.

You have some cute jokes, Julio.

Thank you.

Totally gay.

The gayest dude, like, ever.

I didn't hear you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so strange.

I'm super stoked.

I would only call they damn a conjoined twin.

Ah,

I love it.

Singular twin.

You went really heavy on that second page with the trench.

You really went in with the mine.

What?

Come on, give us one more, Julio.

Can I read one?

Let me read one.

I don't think you can read it, dude.

I want to see.

this looks like a ransom letter

okay

okay I got I got a joke okay do it do on Julio and while I try to decipher this uh this fucking uh zodiac killer code that you have here

I always said my writing was shit so like if I sent a threat letter that people will believe it hold on do the do the one with the chica that chola will cut you oh like um

i got a type

is that kind of Mexican girl that you never ever ever catch out of Taco Bell.

The kind of Mexican chick that will talk behind your back about how you didn't speak in Spanish to her.

And

the kind of chica that will cut you if you get it twisted with her.

So I'm gonna clap her cheeks until she agrees with everything I say.

Wow.

Amazing.

That wasn't a joke so much as a grievance grievance followed by a threat.

Yeah.

Still sound gay?

Yes.

I swear I'm going to clap her cheeks until she tells me everything about being a woman that I want to know.

Okay.

Can you do the NXT Cucaracha smash?

So yeah, like, so my, I...

I get to smash that cucaracha when I get me.

When you get me a nice Mexican girl.

How about the alpha male bully?

Oh, my brother was a bully, so I guess he's an alpha male, and I'm a nerd, so that makes me alphabetical.

Oh, my God, you're adorable.

Wow.

What's the patience fist?

How many jokes are on this?

What's the patient's fist?

Sometimes I get impatient and I tell tell myself self

no fisting ever starts by you punching on a punch I know

fuck yeah dude.

I could watch a full hour of you

how about

how about cripples?

What do you got for cripples with one P?

I hate it when I go to six flags and all the front fucking spots are handicapped handicapped and none of the cripples showed up.

This guy's good.

This guy's good.

I love it.

All the best jokes you didn't do.

You did a reverse.

It's almost like I fell for your plot here.

Like, let me see your jokes.

And then you have like a bunch of...

Huh?

The bait worked.

Yeah, it worked.

You tricked me.

This is probably how we're going to end up butt fucking later.

You're tricking me.

Okay, what about we, butt GF?

What?

Oh, yeah, I walked in on this girl that I was seeing with the Wii remote up her butthole.

I was like, oh, honey, you're doing it wrong.

Alright, one last one.

One last one.

I want to know.

Can we cheer for him?

Let him walk away on the cheer.

No.

Let him walk away on the cheer.

Uh-uh.

No, it's not that easy.

This is a Cinderella story, man.

16.

Get on your back and head to San Anto, bro.

One last one.

You ready for it?

I want to know Exterminator Cracks Chris.

Oh, yeah, so like.

She, whenever I roleplay, I want to be the Exterminator.

So you.

call,

and I show up unrealistically,

like fast,

and I come to a few mickey dear cracks and crevices.

There's a big joke, Bug Julio.

Absolutely unbelievable debut performance.

Julio, keep writing and come back, sign up, and do it again, okay?

Yes.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Julio, ladies and gentlemen, with an unbelievable debut performance here on Kill Tony with a 17-minute and 20-second long interview.

That's how you know there's potential there.

Let me remind you that

Chado had about a four-minute-long interview.

So Chado's been doing it four years.

Julio comes in here with a scrappy piece of paper and ends up stealing the show.

You didn't even know

I'm just rattling cracks.

We still don't know, gay or straight.

We will never know.

Don't matter.

Julio killed it.

The premises didn't make any sense, and there were no punchlines.

How do we chant his name?

We love him.

I wish he had more.

If he would have pulled out another piece of paper, I would have just done the rest of the show with him.

I would have had everyone else go home.

Tell these people they can all hit the road.

Because we're going to have fun with Julio.

Unfortunately, we ran out of...

We ran out of...

That was fun.

I love, that's what you love about this show, right?

It's just the chaos.

Anything can happen.

Dreams coming true for a young gay straight man

all right your next bucket pull we're gonna meet them all together make some noise for Chris Miller everybody here we go

hey guys I've uh I've been playing basketball with same group of guys for 20 years we went to breakfast the other morning And we were talking about things that we did when we were a kid.

And my buddy Kenny, he's a black guy.

And I said, kenny i said did you ever run around your neighborhood and ring doorbells and run when you were a kid and he goes yes i did and i said what'd you call that

and he looked at me he says chris i called that the same thing you called that

and i said i said okay i apologize i apologize my friend he goes no that's just what we called it And I said, all right.

I said, well, now I've got a 25-year-old son.

So when my son was the age where they would run around the neighborhood, ring doorbells, and run, he uh,

all everybody had ring cameras, so all my neighbors are sending me videos.

So, the uh, the kids get home and I go, guys, what are y'all doing?

And my son goes, Dad, we're ding-dong-ditching.

I was like, What'd you call it?

He goes, Dad, we're ding-dong-ditching.

I threw my arms up in my living room, and my son goes, Dad, what are you doing?

And I go,

Don't worry about it.

All you need to know is I'm a better dad than my dad was.

All right, thank you guys.

All right, Chris.

Hi, Chris.

How are you?

Somehow, red band like that.

Yeah.

Exactly what you're talking.

Yeah, you guys are the same age, so that makes sense.

Sal.

I understood Julio more.

Yeah.

I agree.

Julio.

Do you have any notes in your pocket?

Anyone?

Notes.

Do you have any notes?

No notes.

Okay, Chris, let's talk about it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two months.

Two months.

And how long have you been selling insurance?

What do you do for it?

I'm a salesman, but I don't sell insurance.

I actually have I have a website that's on Shopify.

Wow, amazing.

We love Shopify.

Not a lot of people know this, but if you use the promo code Kill Tony, you can start your own Shopify for an amazing, amazing deal.

Okay, you married kids, the whole thing?

Yep, been married 28 years.

I've got three awesome kids.

Awesome.

What's the most exciting thing about your life?

Like, what's something that would surprise us about you?

Because you seem like just a real plain glass of water.

Well, I would say all my kids are fairly normal.

And I think the reason is, is that all three of my kids have walked in on us having sex.

Wow.

Okay.

And what have they seen?

Well,

I never asked them that question, but all I know is...

When, you know, when you've been married a long time and when your wife says, you know, is the door locked?

I mean, you say yes, right?

So, I mean, I go to the casino, I always bet on red, and at least one time with each child, it was on black.

Wow,

incredible.

Do you really have a black friend named Kenny?

Yeah, yeah, I played basketball for 20 years, the same guys.

Wow, what does Kenny do for a living?

He works for ATT, but I don't know.

He's got an HR department, so we probably shouldn't talk too much about him.

Right, absolutely.

We don't want to cost a man his job at ATT.

What do you you guys think?

You know, the joke,

you put a lot of, like, it definitely was thought out and you put a lot into it.

And I think somewhere along the line, maybe you missed a setup or something.

Because

I want to understand the punchline of the joke.

So, because at first I thought it was going to be a race thing, but then it wasn't.

And then I

asked Redbit.

It's a race thing.

Back in the day, Ding-Dong and Ditch was called something else.

That's how we all used to say the N-words as kids.

It was N-word knocking.

That's what they used to call it.

What?

That is what it was.

It was called N-ward knocking, except

you didn't call it the N-word.

You said the word.

But what is ding-dong ditch?

That's what the kids call it these days.

But we call it ring and run.

Ring-and-run?

What the fuck?

Ring and run.

I'm from the East Coast, which is southern,

so I don't know.

Wow.

Full heel turn for Salvolcano.

Did you guys understand this joke?

Okay.

All right.

Well, no, because I was so interested.

You had me, and I was like waiting on it.

And then you got it into the cat.

And then I was like, let's hear it.

And then I didn't get it.

Nobody understood his joke.

So I'm going to do something very, very special right now.

Here to translate his joke for us.

Make some noise for Julio, everybody.

Here he is.

Julio, come back out.

Send Julio out.

You need to champ.

Julio.

Julio.

Oh my God.

Here he is.

Julio.

Now

you got to joke?

I got to ask you, Julio,

what was he talking about up here, this guy?

Just go ahead and explain it to us.

No, no idea.

You want to have him retell the joke so that Julio can do it?

Step by step?

Say it again.

You want to have him do the joke so Julio can do, you know, translate it?

Julio, what do you think it meant?

Did you catch any of it?

No, like I was talking on the phone.

The fuck?

Who the fuck were you talking on the phone with?

To my mom.

Oh, my God, really?

You still have your phone on you?

You have it on you right now?

No, no.

Let's call Julio's mom real quick.

Give him his phone.

I want to talk to your mom.

What's your mom's name?

Esperanza.

Esperanza.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Okay.

Call her and put it on speaker and then hand it over to me over here.

Here, just hit send.

Yo, you have to turn it back on.

Okay, ready.

Is your mom speaking?

The phone doesn't ring when you're calling a person.

Yeah, she speaks really good.

She doesn't

think she's great at it, but she is.

The sound effect of an antique phone.

Well, Julio's trying to turn on his little cricket over here.

I have a special plan.

It works in Puerto Rico and only Texas.

All right.

This phone only works in San Antonio.

All right.

Is it ringing?

It's not ringing.

Maybe it's.

Bro, I love it.

Maybe it's wanting to connect to my headphones or something.

I love that it says mama on it.

Like it's written mom.

It's not mom, it's mama.

Yeah, that's why I don't disrespect women.

I go on a lot of dates because of that.

I also had a scrotum tuck.

What?

Bro.

Bro, I don't know that you want to know this.

So, So, old balls, that's not me.

I hear it.

Hello, Esperanza.

It's me, Tony.

La show, Kiltony show.

Hello,

Esperanza.

I'm with your son, Julio.

Yes.

Wow, you speak better English than he does.

Esperanza he your son is becoming a star in real time.

How do you feel about this?

I know, yes.

He's becoming a star from a long time ago.

Oh, I love that.

The crowd is chanting his name, Esperanza.

Esperanza, have you seen the hit show Impractical Jokers before?

No.

Oh.

Your son's gay.

Esperanza, serious question.

Sal's making a joke here, but we are very curious because Julio

is very, very likable.

He's a good-looking guy, but we're noticing that he kind of has, you know, feminine tendencies in some of his quick responses.

Like, when he doesn't have enough time to think about it, he's kind of

yeah, go ahead.

He's kind of what?

He's kind of feminine, like, kind of like

kind of kind of gay, you know what I'm saying?

Not American, Maricón.

Oh, yeah, he's not American.

There's a fine line between American and gay in Spanish.

Maricón.

He's American.

He is American, yes.

He's American.

He doesn't like to

accept him, but

has to

What do you got?

I didn't get that.

I tried.

I don't want to accept something.

Huh?

She's saying I don't want to accept something.

That I'm Maricorn, maybe?

Okay.

Have you ever seen him with a woman?

With many women.

Julio.

Julio.

Julio.

Julio.

Esperanza, are you in San Antonio or Puerto Rico?

I'm in San Antonio.

Wow, you sound very hot.

What do you do for work?

Are you a...

What do you do?

Julio has to be like he is because me.

That's right.

That's right.

I grew up on the spotlight because of her.

Wow.

Even he looks like me.

Oh,

you have a little facial hair?

Yes.

Esperanza, you're a legend.

Thanks for taking the call.

What?

I cannot do it.

You don't have nothing to do.

No,

you're it.

That's how crazy the show is, is randomly sometimes we just call people.

Okay.

Tell us the craziest thing about your life before I let you go.

You ever have to do anything wild?

What do you think makes you special and different than everybody else?

Ice bishop.

What?

Hello?

Yes.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with another man?

No, that's secret.

Craziest thing she ever did was make Julio.

She's like, there was this one guy.

He's looking like cauliflower.

Ask her about the shootout.

You know, by the sound of your voice, Esperanza, before I let you go, you seem like the kind of woman that has seen like the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast or something like that.

Is that true?

Have you seen the Virgin Mary before?

Where?

Okay, I'm going to let you go, Esperanza.

It's past your bedtime.

Go get some sleep.

Okay.

I love you.

Thank you.

I'll see you soon.

Let's just take notice of how boring Chris Miller is as a human being.

That we'd rather talk to the last guy's mother than to talk to Chris Miller anymore.

Chris,

thanks for coming out here.

Here's a little joke book.

Julio, stay for another second.

Chris, you can go head on back.

Chris, sign up again.

Come back again.

Do something a little punchier than one long story.

So Julio, how

I love it.

You're having the time of your life.

You already have called your mom.

There's a guy.

There's another guy named Julio who was just calling you.

Well, by the way, while I was on the phone with your mom, so people know your family already knows what's going on right now.

Oh, that's my son.

Oh, you have a son?

Junior.

I have three boys.

You have three boys?

Yeah.

This whole time, I spent 17 minutes trying to figure it.

Yeah, exactly.

I have a whole set of jokes about how I'm black or it counts.

About how you're what?

I'm black where it counts.

Wow, in what way?

You're never gonna guess my age because black don't crack.

Okay.

Well, you're not that black because you're present in your child's lives.

So

how old are old are your three boys?

20, 14, and 12.

How old are you?

I'm gonna be 49 in November.

Wow.

When?

16.

I'll be 49 on November 6th.

So we have something to come.

Funny, the three of us, 49.

Hey, let's play.

49, 49, 49.

We're gonna play Lotto tomorrow.

Yeah.

Look at that.

That's incredible.

Okay, Julio, one more thing.

Tell us something about your life before I let you go yet again that would surprise us about it.

When I was a little kid, I was riding in the car with my mom coming home from school and there was a car-to-car shootout in Puerto Rico.

And I opened the window like it was my day to have a gun battle and I pull out my toy rifle and I pointed it at the people

and my mom was like, You're gonna get us killed and she like sped out of the place and then stopped by a bridge and did the most gangster thing I've ever seen her say.

Seen her dude, like, broke the thing with her knee and threw it over a bridge.

Wow.

Esperanza's a bad bitch.

I love it.

Julio, Julio, Julio.

I'm going to do something I've never done before.

I'm going to give you a second big joke book to give to Esperanza.

How about that?

There you go.

And bring her.

Next time you come here, bring her.

and I'll just give you your next appearance next time you have a full minute next time you write another minute Bring her and we'll we'll interview you guys together, okay?

I love it one more time for Julio everybody

Julio Julio

It's a magical bucket tonight.

Anything can happen your next bucket pull goes by the name ladies and gentlemen of

Jordan Yates, everybody.

Here comes Jordan Yates.

Damn, Julio was tall as hell.

Hey, what's up, guys?

So

I'm just going to get down to it.

I got married this year, and I'm, quite frankly, lucky my wife is still with me, you know?

Because I tried to shave my beard off recently, you know?

And she doesn't like the stubble.

You You laddies know about the stubble?

Because I went in for a little smooch and she was like,

it's rough.

It's coarse.

It's itchy.

And I hate it.

But have y'all ever had a deal with a little lady stubble before?

Come on, fellas.

There you go.

You know what I'm talking about.

You know, when you're trying to visit the roses and you get the thorns?

It's like trying to eat a peach through a cheese grater.

I'm just down there trying to get some delicious fruit.

Meanwhile, my lips are getting the Parmesan treatment.

I'm in there like the fucking olive garden waiter, like, say when, baby.

By the way, fellas, she always wants more Parmesan.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Amazing.

Jordan Yates, welcome, welcome.

This is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

How long you been doing stand-up?

About seven years now.

Seven years.

Where at?

From Dallas originally.

Been here in Austin for the last two years.

Nice.

I love it.

You have such a great fucking look and a presence.

Real star power.

What do you do for work?

Stand-up full-time since the beginning of the year, so.

Amazing.

Amazing.

How's that going for you?

Oh, man.

A lot of time in Nebraska, dude.

Yeah.

That's where you're big.

You're huge in Nebraska.

No.

Oh.

They just like my cowboy hat.

Okay.

All right.

They're like, he's one of us.

Little man.

Tell us what doing stand-up in Nebraska is like.

Well, I almost got my ass kicked the first time.

Because

I have this joke about how I'm a bad cowboy.

I look like a farmer that exclusively farms soy.

Turns out, a lot of soy in Nebraska.

A lot of big old boys that farm it.

What's your love life like?

You seem like you'd be fun to cuddle with.

Oh, yeah, that's what my wife tells me, dude.

I got a wife that I'm in love with, and she's incredible.

Her name's Esther, for anybody who needs to know.

Wow.

Okay.

Very nice.

You have kids?

Do I have kids?

Not yet, dude.

Are you trying?

You pumping her filled with cowboy cum?

Man.

Digging the spurs in, dude.

Fucking.

All right.

I love it.

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

Any crazy cowboy moves?

Well, I always start off with the magic mic first.

I hit her with that, um, you know what I'm saying?

Wow.

And then most of the time, I'm just, you know, laying there.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

How did you meet your wife?

Uh, Tinder.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Rosalinda, her mom.

We met at church.

You're like a Matthew McConaughey wrapped in an action Bronson.

Yeah.

That's what I'm going for.

Amazing.

Tell us, do you have any other special skills or talents or anything?

Any special skill?

I can clap with one hand.

Let's hear it.

Wow.

That sounded like something else, but all right.

Yeah.

What did you do before you got into stand-up?

Sales for a long time, dude.

I did corporate real estate sales.

Yeah, I know.

pretty shitty now you sold real estate.

Yeah, I sold office space of all things

Yeah, I know were you good at it?

Actually, yeah, I paid a lot better than this does.

I'm gonna be honest.

Yeah, tell us like give us an example pretend like we're here and you're selling us an office space.

Give us an example of what that would sound like.

Hey, this is Jordan with Regis.

I'm calling a follow-up with you about your inquiry on our offices.

Yeah.

I saw that you were looking for something in the Dallas area.

Tell you what, I think I got a few options, but I want to hear a little bit more about what you need from the space.

Well, you know, I'm looking...

It looks like the wolf of Wall Street right there.

I'm looking for something like a, you know, a couple thousand square feet.

I don't need much space because I don't want to have to pay for the air conditioning.

I know it gets hot up there in Dallas.

So,

you know, you have anything like that?

You have anything small?

Yeah, I tell you what.

We can definitely hook you up.

When you're saying that you're looking for a couple thousand square feet of space, are you wanting that to be something that you're going to use for your personal use or do you have a team that we need to get set up for?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, to all that.

y'all don't make me do this anymore please dude but i love the fact that you code switched like that you went from comic cowboy dude and now all of a sudden i'm like i'm ready to sign a lease yeah

amazing stuff what does your wife do for work uh she works for the state uh she was in the capital for a few years and she now works for a state agency Okay, she's a responsible one.

She's doing process improvement.

Pretty much, yeah.

Amazing.

Amazing.

What's your you have an apartment or a house?

What do you?

Yeah, we live in an apartment off of Riverside out here in Austin.

One bedroom?

Two bedrooms.

I got it like that.

Come on.

Wow.

What do you do with the second bedroom?

You have a little vinyl record player in there?

Pretty much, yeah.

I used to work out of it, but now I just use it to store my boots, I think.

How many pairs of boots do you have?

Two.

Wow.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Absolutely incredible.

You're so likable.

Wow.

Thank you, man.

Good for you.

Do you go to church?

I used to.

I used to be a youth pastor.

Okay, can you give us an example of what some of your pastor skills would look like?

Oh, here we go.

Here he is.

Youth pastor Chris Miller.

Can you sell me on Christ?

Hey, everybody.

I want you to look into your hearts tonight.

And I want you to tell me, have you seen Christ in there recently?

Tell me, is your heart filled with sin?

is it filled with temptation

well you can be redeemed

amen through the power of jesus christ

wow absolutely incredible

that's how sam kids it's like so many lives in one body you know what i mean it's like you can go

Offensive base, you want to get saved, you want to laugh, hell yeah.

And you eat pussy.

Amen, brother.

Fuck yeah.

Chris.

Good guy.

Or, I mean, actually, you're not Chris.

I'm not.

Chris was the other guy.

Yeah, fuck that.

Jordan.

Jordan Yates.

What was your childhood like?

Country parents?

Well, my dad grew up in Elgin, which is just 30 minutes outside of Austin here.

But the rest of my family is from Oak Cliff, which is South Dallas.

And then I have a grandmother from France.

So I've got all sorts of weird things going on.

Wow.

No way.

You speak French?

Yeah.

Español también.

Whoa.

Oh my god.

He speaks every language better than Julio.

Very fun set.

You're so charismatic and so likable.

Welcome to the Kill Tony universe.

Here's a big joke, Buck.

How fun.

How exciting.

Jordan Yates.

Jordan Jordan Yates, ladies and gentlemen.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

We're really doing it.

All right, let's do something fun right now.

I have yet another special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen, a Kiltoni Hall of Famer.

One of the greatest regulars in the show's history wants to come out and do a minute.

One of the greatest comedians in our history.

One of the best roasters in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the rare return of the great David Lucas.

I've been falling asleep to black noise lately.

It's just videos of cops putting handcuffs on niggas

and the occasional smoke detector beep

football season is here

a lot of white guys play fantasy football I've realized that fantasy football is virtual slavery for white guys

because y'all get to pick y'all favorite nigga

Who runs the fastest?

Who jumps the highest?

I like that Saquon Barkley.

That nigga jumped over somebody backwards last year.

300 years later, we still can't make money off a white man's back.

There's no goddamn fantasy pickleball league.

All right, that's my time.

Thank you, man.

The legend, David lights out.

Lucas.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely doing it again.

Incredible, the black noise premise.

Fucking just got old black, bro.

Virtual slavery.

Incredible jokes, David.

I like Fluffy.

That nigga look like a character from Guess Who?

Does he have hands?

Nope.

Wait, hold on.

Can you call me the N-word again?

Huh?

Can you call me the N-word again?

Nigga.

Yeah.

You can say it.

You just got to say it like vinegar.

What is wrong with this motherfucker back here, bro?

What the fuck is that?

They're very excited to see you.

I don't think they have many of you around here.

Hey, Randbet, I know what you was talking about.

Back where I'm from, they used to call that shit nigger knocking.

That's what they called it.

They called it.

I was trying to wait till I came up to say it, but it was called nigger knocking.

That is true.

That is what we call it.

You can only say it so many times in a minute, or else YouTube flags it, so don't say it again.

There is

a certain

vinegar knocking.

again.

That's probably the limit.

It's robots, they're not really gonna pick up on that Vin so much.

Hey, bro, have you seen this shit on the internet?

So, the internet found out that Martin Luther King was cheating on his wife, and they've made a lot of AI out of this

Negro.

Uh, yes, vinegar.

Have you hit this vinegar, bro?

Stop, Red Bad.

You got to say Vina guy, yeah,

bro.

They had they had an episode of Bartlett King on Murray today, bro.

That shit was so.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, this Sora

AI stuff is out of control right now.

It is stronger than ever.

I seen the AI version of you, bro.

Like, manly, that nigga was straight.

Cheekbones wasn't so high, you know what I'm saying?

This nigga cheekbones high as hell, boy.

You look like a baby deer in the face, nigga.

you son of a bitch

do you have cheekbones are they under there somewhere

i know you got booty cheekbones oh come on

how dare you say i be having booty cheekbones

that's true i do sometimes i be making them clap that's what the kids are saying i make my booty cheekbones clap

yes yes it's true yes i do right man i do

yeah i do Tony, you skinny, though, bro.

I bet when you take your clothes off, your G-string be bag.

How do you know I wear a G-string?

That shit look like the tampon string hanging out.

Oh, my God.

You got me good there, Martin Luther Burger King.

Holy shit.

Oh my God.

You are morbidly obese.

You're morbidly gay, nigga.

Oh, come on.

That's not even a.

I don't know if that's a word, but you are morbidly gay.

That is incredible.

Gabe, what do we think he is?

A 3x, 4x?

I'm a 3x.

Oh, 3x.

All right.

Fluffy a fat nigga like me, bro.

Oh, no.

You heard.

That's how black people talk when they try to get their point across.

They go to a falsetto voice.

Yeah.

come on, bro.

You don't have to pay you that money back.

What the fuck you talking about

Why you tripping over $200 man?

Come on now

6-7 man

6-7

Oh, that's that kid shit.

My daughter be saying that.

What do it mean?

What do it mean?

All right, man.

You wouldn't understand.

Red Bay, you're the oldest man.

It's a rap lyric.

It's a rap lyric.

Kids love it.

It's weird.

It's really stupid.

Amazing.

My daughter do be saying that shit, bro.

Huh?

That means she's cool as fuck.

Don't be looking at my daughter.

Why you be looking at my daughter?

What else is going on in life, David?

What have you been up to?

Man, you know what I'm saying, bro?

You know, we got a couple of projects we're working on and shit.

Yep.

Me and Tony have something amazing coming to the world.

I promise you guys are going to be.

Just don't stop.

I ain't going to say it.

Yeah, stop.

Yeah, it's a sex tape.

Yes, it is.

It is.

I have sex with someone on top of David Lucas.

I use him as a Temper-Pedic mattress.

Purple.

Purple, yeah.

Yeah.

It's a purple drank mattress.

Yep.

You heard a Tempur-Pedic.

This is an orthopedic.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, bro.

But that's it, you know,

trying to make moves in the scene.

Orthopedic, he's that worked.

Roasted?

Bitch, you look like an invisible friend.

Get your motherfucking ass.

If you ask your kids what they friend look like, they draw this nigga.

You look like an invisible friend is somehow one of the greatest roast jokes I've ever heard in my life.

What does your friend look like?

Draw him.

What's his name?

sal volcano

oh my god that don't even sound like a real name like if your kids told you that shit you'd be like oh yeah cool baby

sal volcano yeah i know him

you been on tour or anything lately yes sir i'm on tour right now bro i'm all over the world i got fucking where i'm at nashville chicago west covina buffalo new york Rochester, San Diego.

Pull up on your boy.

Wow, look at that.

And the Killers of Kill Tony tour, man.

You know what what I'm saying?

It's one of the greatest tours out there right now.

People come and they're surprised that we have 20 minutes because they want to see us for a minute at a time.

Yeah.

A lot of the best in the show's history out there putting on great shows, incredible stuff.

And me and Fluffy found out we both got a love for cars.

Yeah, I was about to bring that up.

Okay.

Yeah, tell us about it.

I got 80, but he got like 70.

Really?

Wow.

I know, right?

I don't have a cocaine habit, so I got to spend the money somewhere else.

Wow.

That usually gets a laugh.

Anyway.

My goodness, that's incredible.

He's got some sick cars.

You have some sick cars.

You have some of the most...

You have the biggest collection, I think, of Volkswagen buses, right?

It's incredible.

You guys have been collecting carbs for a long time.

Tony, I know you get a car with a seat warmer, ain't it, bitch?

I do.

I love my seat warmer.

And my steering wheel warmer, too.

I have a steering wheel warmer.

You got a hole in the middle of the seat.

You son of a bitch.

I would take you for a ride if you fit in a Corvette, but unfortunately, it's a little too low.

Are you going to put me in the bitch seat, nigga?

You got it?

All right, all right, all right.

All right.

Come on, now, you know I'm riding your back.

Make some noise for the great David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

Go catch him on tour.

They're crushing.

He is so fucking funny.

It's amazing.

I love that I got a chance to see him in Vegas with that part of the you know the roast and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he killed it there, too.

We had so much fun.

So fun.

That was a legendary night.

So funny.

So fun.

All right.

One last bucket pull.

Make some noise for Dom LaMarca, everybody.

Dom LaMarca.

Today's actually a really big day for me.

I'm three months clean.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I have been showering.

Still on tons of drugs, but I smell like dove now.

It's pretty sick.

My job recently fired me for my punctuality.

And I was just like, yo, what does my grammar have to do with any of this?

Like, you guys should be way more worried about the fact I'm late every day.

Like, please, not this.

My job was to

roll burritos

Which was cool, but by the end of every shift my tongue was so dry

They like caught on that's how I was rolling too.

They're like what's going on?

Why burritos always have filters?

I was like

I've been going on job interviews though, so that's been cool.

I went on a job interview the other day It didn't go well.

I walked in and the first thing the guy says when he sees me he's like you seem off

I was like, oh, he's like, yeah, man, are you high or tired?

I was like, I am

It's like, but I think if we put them together, I'm hired.

Thank you guys so much.

Fuck yeah, Dom LaMarca.

Great stuff.

How long you been on stand-up?

Almost seven years.

Seven years.

We're at?

I started in Long Island, and then I've been out here for like two years.

Nice.

And what do you actually do for work?

I was working at Jersey Mike's, and then they fired me.

They really did fire you for being late?

No, they didn't really give me a reason, actually.

I think it was just me fundamentally as a person.

Unfortunately,

there's like, yeah, the owner, the maddress, like, the owner said, you gotta go.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

Yeah, it's unfortunate.

Do you have a new job?

I'm working for DoorDash right now.

Okay.

I normally don't like to tell you.

So you still walk into that Jersey Mike's?

Yeah.

I do.

I do.

I pick up orders next to them and I'll walk in and I'll be like, sucks to suck, guys.

You're like, yeah, I'm like, I'm freelance now.

It's pretty sick.

Dude, I had a DoorDash order last week.

I looked at it and it was just for a plan B.

It's pretty crazy, yeah.

I was like, holy shit, you mean to tell me I deliver so you don't?

Like,

I love it.

Hell yeah.

You're doing it, dude.

Fuck yeah.

I love it.

What else do you do?

What do you do for fun?

For fun?

Play board games.

I shoot music videos also for some of the hip-hop scene in Austin.

Wow.

Yeah.

You led with board games, though.

What kind of board games are we talking about?

What's your specialty?

Dude, I'm sick at exploding kittens.

Wow, I've never heard of this game before.

What is exploding kittens exactly?

It's this game that got like kick-started a few years ago and it just blew up into popularity.

And it's just

basically if you grab an exploding kitten, you explode unless you could diffuse it.

It's a board game?

The more I talk about it, the less sense it's going to make.

The cards, it's like there's a card in there.

It's like Taco Cat.

Like, I'm not going to...

Yeah, it's a card game.

It's Taco Cat's the same backwards than it is forward.

Wow.

That's true.

See, Redben, no.

That's true.

Redband.

Wow.

That's true.

So it was bust the nut and a tuna sub.

What?

Hold on.

Is that why I got it?

I saw that online.

I saw that online.

No, that's not why I got fired.

Dude, I was making these videos while I was at work there, too.

I thought they would have fired me for that and nothing.

Like, yeah, it's crazy.

That's what it is.

Is it really?

Bust a nut in a tuna sub is the same exact thing.

Wow.

It is?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I just figured out what he said.

The internet told me that the other day, and they would not lie to me.

That's my son.

Well, it would be busa.

Bussa.

You gotta write it down.

Yeah, it would be busa nut.

Yo, that ain't no taco cat.

Busa nut, yeah.

It'd be business.

Race car is the same backwards.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't, but I just saw it in my head when you said that.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

You say you shot hip-hop videos?

Yeah, yeah.

Anybody that we might know?

Matthew Dubb, he's a comic, too.

He's been on here before.

Other than that, just local dudes.

Yeah.

No one that you guys know.

People that you will hear of one day.

Yeah, if we recognize the rapper from being pulled pulled out of the bucket on this show, I don't think it's exactly the highest level.

I know, dude, I've been telling in Mexican OT's DMs, like, please, man, I live in Texas, just let me shoot one for you, give me a chance.

Hell yeah, you know what I like about you is that you have the stoner vibe, but you're not like too tired or anything.

You have like

an inordinate amount of energy for what you're for who you are.

I drank a bang before this.

Oh, okay.

That'll do it.

That was my prep for the day.

I was like, smoke half and drink a bang.

Wow, look at you.

You're for Kill Tony.

And you're in tip-top shape.

Look at that.

For those of you watching, smoke pot and drink a bang.

Some people are like

put on when they come on here and then like stoner people, but you seem very authentic with yourself.

It's very endearing.

That word.

It's true.

I cannot believe Sal Volcano just said that to me.

That's so cool, dude.

I'm like, sincerely, like, I've been watching you for a while.

See, you're not invisible.

Yeah.

That's wild, yeah.

That's amazing.

Tell us more about your life.

Anything else crazy we should know about you?

Oh.

You're one of the best-looking trans women I've ever seen.

Dominique.

I've been asked, dude, I used to paint my nails.

And like, I remember when I was doing that, like, I went to the 7-Eleven I'd been going to my whole life.

This guy's known me for 19 years, and he's like, oh, you're a lady now?

And I was like, no.

Like, yeah, it was crazy.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

You know who he reminds me of?

Remember that SNL skit with Chris Farley?

Where he's like, remember?

Like, it was like two minutes ago?

He's like, that was crazy.

Remember that one time?

What's your love life like?

It's pretty dry right now, a little hectic, but other, yeah.

I feel like I have a habit of dating crazy girls.

Yeah, what was it like when you dropped off that plan B?

Dude, okay, so actually I was supposed to go in the store and buy it for them, and I got in the store and they were out of stock.

So I had to call him and like

had to go to plan C.

Yeah, no, 100%.

I was just like, hey, man, like, they're out.

Like, you're screwed, but just keep being a city boy.

Like, putville for life, man.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, tell him like he needed to hear it, honestly.

Like, thank you.

Last date you were on, what's that like?

What's going on on a date with Dom LaMarca DoorDash, the Duke of DoorDash?

What's that like?

Like in real life.

It's kind of like that date from Halfbake where he's just trying to spend as little as possible.

That's really what it's like.

So like the last date you went on, what did you do?

What type of thrifty maneuvers did you do?

Thrifting.

Actually.

The what?

Thrifting?

Thrifting.

Yeah, you go to the thrift store, then you go to Taco Bell, you get like a little pack of Cinnabon delights after, and then you go to Barton, but on the free side.

Hell yeah.

And did you end up?

I figured out, man.

Did you end up closing with that girl?

Yeah, yeah.

So what did you do?

Where did you make love to her at?

In your car?

No, no.

In my apartment that three other dudes also live in.

Wow.

How many bathrooms in this four dude apartment?

We all got our own bathroom.

Whoa.

We can do it without that.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

And unfortunately, leading on to the trans side of things, mine is the cleanest and everyone has to use it.

I'm the most feminine in the house, so yeah.

Yeah, amazing stuff.

Dom, a fantastic set.

I've run out of big joke books, Esperance.

I got you.

Do we have more?

Okay, yeah, they're going to hand you one when you go.

Hey, thank you so much.

Great stuff, Dom.

Very funny.

Dom.

LaMarca, ladies and gentlemen, with his Kill Tony debut, seven years of doing comedy.

And what a show.

What an amazing, amazing night.

There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen.

And that is with the Hall of Famer with the all-time record for appearances on the show.

The record holder for all-time interviews on the show.

Some people call him the Prince of the Paupers.

The King of

Cool.

The Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler.

This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Wait, in Redman, I'm confused.

What did you call the game where you ring somebody's doorbell and run away?

What did you call it?

Amy Schumer has lost 164 pounds.

In related news, the United States is experiencing a critical Ozimpic shortage.

But seriously, the weight loss has increased her mobility, which makes her a lot harder to chase down after she steals a joke.

The pharmacist asked if I was taking any other medications.

Do four locos apositories count?

Whenever I think about global warming, I think about oceans rising.

Like, think about Epstein Island and how over time, more and more of it will get covered up.

So he staged that intervention with my buddy, and right before it started, they mentioned he would get a sponsor.

And I was like, what the hell?

He gets paid?

Y'all need to intervene my ass.

Okay, that's my time.

Take me.

William.

The red ruckus Montgomery.

Tony, do you understand what Red Band would call the, we used to just call it ring and run.

Whoa, that's a, where on the east coast were you raised?

New York.

Oh, wow.

That's crazy.

Yeah, it's incredible.

Ring and run.

I've never heard of the racial element.

I've never heard of it.

Are you never heard of it?

I've never heard of ring and run.

No, no, it's like popping soda, I think, and Coke, like people calling it the three different things.

I think it's like that.

That's a racial thing, too?

No, no, no, no, there's no, there's no depends how you say it.

Yeah.

William, I got to acknowledge right off the top, you know,

have you ever seen like when a scruffy dog gets a cute haircut?

You got a little haircut, didn't you?

Thank you.

I had to the last.

Did you get a little puppy cut?

I got a little puppy cut.

Up at Petco, Pet Smart.

You laid down on the table.

Puppy cut up at Petco Pet Smart, pony.

Yeah, no, I had to go to my cousin's wedding back in Memphis this past weekend.

Wow.

And I hadn't gotten a haircut since since december wow yeah so i had to do that so my parents would be happy to see me it looks it's like i get to memphis and it's wonderful but it's like we drive back to my parents house the first thing i see is where young dollph got assassinated in front of the cookie store and i'm like god this is scary the great legendary young dollar

huge young doll fan yeah young dolls so where he got taken out which is very sad but yeah the wedding was very nice and uh my parents really liked the haircut Wow, it is incredible.

It's like when a scratch is...

Why is that funny?

Just get sweet.

Yeah, you got a little puppy cut.

Puppy cut from Petco's Pet Smart, Tony.

I love it.

What else have you been up to this week, William?

I'm up to 2 million meters on the row machine.

Whoa.

Two fucking million.

Two million meters, ladies and gentlemen.

Two million on the fucking row machine.

I had a horrible cyst on my face, Tony.

It had been there over a year and it was starting to stink.

Oh, which is sickening, yeah.

Sometimes I would kiss Gator, my little dog's stomach, and I'd think to myself, would a gator just step in shit or something?

But it was actually my face.

So it was sickening.

And then the other day, this past week, something started finally leaking out of it after over a year.

And Tony, I got two little pieces of rubbing alcohol wipes, and I got up to the mirror and I push it.

And Tony, it was the sickest shit.

It literally squirted out of my face and hit the mirror with such force it splashed onto the mirror and tony it was horrible because i was trying to smell it the whole time but the alcohol wipes made it so i could only smell the alcohol gosh darn it but it was sickening wow that is absolutely so that was exciting that was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week other than my cousin grace getting married wow That is amazing.

Congratulations.

Shout out to Grace.

Yeah, shout out to Grace and Wesley.

They're in Africa right now.

They went to Africa for their honeymoon?

Yeah.

Wow, they're getting a divorce.

Something's going to go wrong there.

Yeah, I checked it.

Check in with our senior African correspondent, John Dees.

Dees, what do you think about white people honeymooning in Africa?

They're going to Senegal.

You know, Senegal?

That's a terrible idea.

Terrible idea.

Well, they're there right now.

Wow, I don't know what to

craft.

Okay.

What else have you been up to this week, William?

Anything exciting?

Anything have you excited about life and inspired in any way?

Yeah, watching the Manning guy totally melt down because I grew up a giant Florida Gators fan and just watch fucking Texas go from what, number one preseason to fucking out of the rankings was pretty sweet, Tony, because I kind of fucking can't stand Texas.

Whoa!

Whoa, I know.

And the Gators suck right now, and the Gators still beat Texas.

So that makes Texas look look worse, by the way.

Because Florida sucks right now.

But that's how bad Texas is.

That's how bad the Manning kid is.

He's horrible.

Whoa.

He's actually a huge fan of the show and a huge fan specifically of yours.

Well, he knows I'm kidding right now.

We talk on the phone.

He knows I'm kidding.

He knows I'm kidding.

It's part of our relationship.

I'm like, dude, you lost to the Gators.

I'm going to talk shit about your dumbass.

He's like, dude don't go too hard

and i was like dude

name some of your favorite football players of all time who do you who are some of your favorite football players of all time in the great mind of william montgomery here we go favorite football hold on what's red band doing why is he just making a silly little face over there what was that

making a face Were you trying to make it so I can't remember fucking football players' names?

Is that what you're trying to do?

Trying to throw them up with this kind of stuff?

Why are you doing that?

You're like a little fucking child, dude.

You know, I struggle with these fucking lists.

Tony gets my ass to do sometimes.

Like, you're making it that much more difficult.

Funny faces.

Do you see what I have to deal with, Tony?

It's like that's why I've been struggling with the list.

It's like I have to look at his stupid fucking ass.

Whoa.

And he looks so much like his mom.

And when I'm going to pound town with his fucking mom, by the way, your mom loves it.

I've been on the row machine, fucking red band.

Name some of your favorite football players, William.

Emmett Smith.

Okay,

you're not that excited about Emmett.

Keep naming your very favorite ones.

Tim Tebow!

That's a big one.

Okay.

Yeah, Tim.

William thinking hard to figure out a third football player, ladies and gentlemen.

You got this.

Julio knows more NFL great.

Julio Jones.

Oh.

Great wide receiver for Bam.

You got this, William.

Do one where you're not that excited about it so the horn players can do that funny thing where they just kind of trickle away, sadly.

Tom Brader.

Wow.

Okay, name one more that you're really excited about.

Who do you think the greatest football player of all time time is William they're probably watching right now

a lot of people yelling out OJ in the audience

There's a lot of people yelling out a lot of

a lot of names right now William is

William

Why don't you just name some of your favorite types of candy or something instead?

I didn't didn't realize that

you would stall out like this.

What's your favorite kind of candy, William?

Starburst right now, probably.

Wow.

Okay, what else?

Chocolate MMs.

No, not all MMs are chocolate.

Peanut butter MMs.

Okay.

I mean, what's your favorite candy?

What kind of candy really gets you excited?

Peanut butter.

Stickers, Toad.

Wow, William Montgomery.

Thank you, Joe.

Jesus.

There he goes, William Montgomery.

This episode brought to you by Nick Talkspace and Quo, SalvolcanoComedy.com for tickets, the Chicago Theater, the Beacon Theater in New York, the Ryman Theater in Nashville, and his new podcast coming this fall is called Manouche.

Keep your eyes open for that.

The great Sal Bolcano.

The drawing from Ryan J.

Ebelt is in, and it is unbelievably cool.

Gabriel Inglesius is on tour, fluffyguy.com.

He's fucking killing it.

Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show.

I'm so grateful you guys came.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for having us.

Always a good time.

So much goddamn fun.

Keep an eye on that merch.

Hell yeah.

Keep an eye on that merch.

I want some of that black label Tapatillo.

Thank you to everybody and everything.

One more time for the best damn band in the land.

Red band.

Check out the SunsetScriptATX.com secret show every Thursday.

Yep.

And I'm going to the Maverick Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a couple other cool places.

Kind of taking it easy for the rest of the year.

But TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Still a few tickets available for New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas.

A huge annual event.

This year, we're at the Moody Center for the first time ever.

Big upgrade from our dear friends from the HEB Center.

We love you guys.

Thank you so much, everybody.

Have a great night.

Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptatx.com for tickets.