#741 - PAULY SHORE + ROSEANNE

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 4 Hey, this is Redmit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Speaker 37 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 38 Well, well, well, here we are.

Speaker 15 And you know, I find myself bragging a lot more than usual about my booking abilities as of late.

Speaker 6 And this week, holy fucking shit, man.

Speaker 42 I mean, wow.

Speaker 15 I am

Speaker 17 so good at booking this fucking show.

Speaker 47 Ladies and gentlemen, not only is it two of the best comedians of all time, not only is it two of the best guests in the show's history,

Speaker 14 but combined between the two of them, many movies, many number one television shows in the world, and about 90 years of combined stand-up comedy experience.

Speaker 50 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two residents of Austin, Texas.

Speaker 7 This is Roseanne Barr and Polly Shore.

Speaker 7 Oh my god.

Speaker 7 Get on your fucking feet.

Speaker 12 Except for you, pregnant lady. You can stay down.

Speaker 55 Roseanne Barr and Pauly Shore.

Speaker 55 God bless America.

Speaker 55 This

Speaker 55 is

Speaker 55 Kill Tony.

Speaker 55 Watch that little fanny back there.

Speaker 7 The great and powerful, the queen of comedy, Roseanne Barr.

Speaker 51 The son of Mitzi,

Speaker 13 Pauli Shore is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 8 Two of the biggest comedy store icons, two of the biggest comedians, number one movies, number one show on ABC's history, the Roseanne.

Speaker 57 Fucking show and she's here.

Speaker 56 Now she has the Roseanne Barr podcast and Pauli Shore has Random Rance, his podcast.

Speaker 57 You've both been on this show before.

Speaker 22 Welcome. How you doing, Paulie?

Speaker 58 Thank you.

Speaker 7 Thank you.

Speaker 31 I'm fucking just happy I survived this weekend here at the mothership. We had some crazy ass shows.

Speaker 31 I can't believe they have this particular club on this particular street in front of this so many fucking bars, dude. How the fuck I get here every night is fucking beyond me, dude.

Speaker 31 They could have put this on Congress where we could have been liberal little fucking queers out there and made it to the place on fucking time dude they made me ride the bull downstairs and they don't let me go through the back like fucking shane gillis dude they have me go for the fucking front dude and i got people pissing on me in there so

Speaker 31 and that pizza next door is disgusting but the good thing is

Speaker 31 is red band actually besides being the producer they'll give it up for red band okay are you all right besides being here the producer he also does pedicab on the side so i've been in fucking his pedicab because it's another job that you can drink and actually drive so give it up for red band and tony

Speaker 60 boy the uh i think it's pronounced petty carbs by the way he bicycles while eating it's a carbs too it's not a regular bike definitely

Speaker 3 thanks i was really excited to have roseanne barr on the show because are you the host tonight this was supposed to be like a quick hello and then we get to the thing you have all these local jokes you think the guy in sweden cares about the pizza place next door what the fuck are you doing right now?

Speaker 19 I'm glad that we're knocking it out early in the show so that I can set a precedent.

Speaker 31 I took acid, which you're not supposed to do in 57, and I took a fucking Waymo, bro. All right.

Speaker 23 Well, now it's time to take a chill pill because I get to say hello to the queen herself.

Speaker 48 Roseanne Barr is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 65 Thank you so much. And Tony, I am so glad to be back with you.

Speaker 65 And I just want to thank Tony because last time I was on, I guess I was too drugged and drunk and everything and I got in a lot of trouble with Tony because I was yelling and stuff and interrupting people

Speaker 65 and because of Tony that was kind of a

Speaker 65 what do you call it where you like confront people and I intervention intervention

Speaker 65 And I just want to say that I became sober because of Tony. Is that true? It is totally true.
I have

Speaker 31 I got sober because of you thank you well we're gonna do the same thing for pauie shore tonight i have um i'm never gonna be sober like charlie sheen that fucking pussy

Speaker 65 thanks sir i just want to say i have um two days tomorrow and um

Speaker 12 and

Speaker 65 Thank you so much.

Speaker 67 You're welcome.

Speaker 47 And welcome back to one of the all-time greats, Roseanne motherfucking barbarous.

Speaker 65 I can't wait to see these new guys. I'm so excited.
We're gonna wait. To see people that are like, you know, up and coming and it's exciting.

Speaker 31 So Tony, just real quick, you know she used to babysit me when I was a child.

Speaker 69 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 31 Roseanne Barbara.

Speaker 31 She breastfed me, dude.

Speaker 31 And yo, and Whoopi Goldberg breastfed me chocolate milk, dude.

Speaker 72 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 17 He was raised at the comedy store.

Speaker 26 God.

Speaker 31 Can't say that, right? You can't say that shit.

Speaker 51 You can say it, Paulie.

Speaker 53 You're okay, pal. All right.

Speaker 57 We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Speaker 15 You've both been guests before.

Speaker 73 You know how it works.

Speaker 8 Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity.

Speaker 17 Maybe they've been signing up every Monday for six months.

Speaker 8 Maybe it's their first time.

Speaker 40 Maybe it's been years they've been trying to get on.

Speaker 9 Maybe they've gotten on before and bombed. Maybe they've gotten on before and done good.
Absolutely anything can happen.

Speaker 75 I'm going to let this recently released convict pick the first name, reach on in there.

Speaker 26 Pull a name out.

Speaker 15 And then we'll send it.

Speaker 8 And they're going to get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up, and you have the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 23 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

Speaker 78 I conduct an interview.

Speaker 58 We give them feedback.

Speaker 24 We talk to them.

Speaker 75 Sometimes it's amazing.

Speaker 57 And then some people become a star.

Speaker 9 Some people find out that they're never going to make it.

Speaker 2 Truly, anything can happen.

Speaker 46 The whole thing is improvised.

Speaker 57 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 14 Well, I also have some very special treats.

Speaker 81 And we're going to start with one of them.

Speaker 23 He's a golden ticket winner who's great at opening the show.

Speaker 15 Lots of energies.

Speaker 83 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for returning golden ticket winner, Jack Shaw, everyone.

Speaker 13 Your first minute uninterrupted of the night. Jack Shaw!

Speaker 84 Hey, everybody. I've been told to be more confident on stage.

Speaker 85 So hello, motherfuckers.

Speaker 3 Pretty good. Okay.

Speaker 84 I need to be more confident because I just moved in with my girlfriend pretty pretty recently and when we moved in together she said Jack I'm gonna need you to be a man now

Speaker 84 This is a problem guys because my girl she's from Texas. I'm from Los Angeles.
We have different ideas of what a man is okay

Speaker 84 You guys know Texas is where men are men and Los Angeles is where men are gay and that's

Speaker 84 I'm just I was just raised by a bunch of homosexuals and now I'm just a gay guy trying to make that pussy bust and I

Speaker 84 I'm just a gay man trying to make that pussy fart and I don't know I'm not sure how to do it dude and

Speaker 87 I looked it up on Google, man.

Speaker 84 It said you got to be more confident to make that pussy fart, but I'm not confident. I'm Jewish, man.

Speaker 84 We're an indecisive people. Even our name is Jewish.

Speaker 89 Wow. I love that.

Speaker 12 Boom.

Speaker 89 Great joke.

Speaker 13 Jack Shaw.

Speaker 39 An amazing new minute.

Speaker 2 Absolutely love it. Jack, it is true.

Speaker 52 If you can't tell by the everything about him, he is Jewish.

Speaker 91 In fact, he was just recently released from Gaza today.

Speaker 47 He was one of the hostages.

Speaker 20 Fresh.

Speaker 28 He's excited to have his freedom back.

Speaker 31 Too soon, too soon.

Speaker 84 That I'm home or that he said that?

Speaker 31 All right. You look like Pee Wee Herman's retarded son, bro.

Speaker 15 Welcome, Jack Shaw, or as I call him, Kermit the Jew.

Speaker 62 Welcome.

Speaker 47 How's life going, Jack?

Speaker 87 Okay, howdy duty.

Speaker 70 Whoa, you roasted me.

Speaker 17 Anyway, how's life going, you fucking idiot?

Speaker 23 Answer the questions.

Speaker 2 You're in the interview part there.

Speaker 3 King roaster.

Speaker 84 I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a part of the roast show.
I'm not a roaster, and I'm trying to do it.

Speaker 9 You're right.

Speaker 68 You're not a roaster.

Speaker 51 Sit on, try it now in front of a live audience, practice for many years, and then you could do that.

Speaker 41 How's this week going for you, Jack?

Speaker 84 It's been great, dude. I actually, I sold out

Speaker 84 my first headlining show. My first time selling out a show.

Speaker 89 That was.

Speaker 31 The laugh factor in Reno doesn't fucking count, bro.

Speaker 32 Go ahead, Roseanne.

Speaker 65 I think that I feel watching you that you should, I think that you can be successful, and I think you should, I really do. I think that you're likable, and I think you should further

Speaker 65 plumb the deep wells of anger that I feel is inside of you. Okay.

Speaker 65 And I think if you bring them out more, like

Speaker 65 the Jewish parts, like the hatred of your mother, I think that that's simmering just under the surface, and I think you should plumb that.

Speaker 92 Oh, she's a bitch, Roseanne.

Speaker 17 Oh, oh she's a real bitch Roseanne is very good at this show in the way that she does see things in brand new young younger newer comedians that

Speaker 65 that that is almost crystal ball esque and I see seething anger I really really do

Speaker 65 at all women really with

Speaker 65 the inability to pop the pussy and all that shit I think that suggests that

Speaker 40 I completely agree with Roseanne.

Speaker 46 Her insight is incredible.

Speaker 72 I think there is a little

Speaker 40 angry boy boiling under this fucking, this little clown jew face of yours.

Speaker 57 What else about women, Jack?

Speaker 17 How do they really make you feel?

Speaker 52 Like a little baby.

Speaker 99 They make you feel like a baby.

Speaker 87 Like a little, like a little baby.

Speaker 69 I like women.

Speaker 83 You close with your mom?

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 92 She is a bitch, though. I was serious about that.

Speaker 24 Tell us more. When you say she's a bitch, can you give us an example, a recent example of your mom being a bitch?

Speaker 26 Do you hear me? Yeah.

Speaker 94 She's going to love this.

Speaker 100 Yeah, she's going to love it.

Speaker 69 She keeps asking me to talk about her on the show, and here it is, mom.

Speaker 84 You fucking bitch.

Speaker 84 Let's see.

Speaker 31 But she made you funnier.

Speaker 84 Yeah, what'd you say?

Speaker 31 Because she's a bitch.

Speaker 31 She made you funnier.

Speaker 101 Right.

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 84 So she's an acting coach.

Speaker 92 That's what she does for work.

Speaker 31 And

Speaker 84 that's actually a way she's a big bitch.

Speaker 84 She's pretty mean about how I look.

Speaker 40 Tell us more specifically about her disappointment in the way that you look.

Speaker 84 Specifically, she tells me to eat less.

Speaker 77 And

Speaker 77 I don't think I'm...

Speaker 84 I mean, I'm a pretty regular guy, but she's had anorexia for most of her life, and she thinks that's a good thing.

Speaker 7 yeah, so uh shout out mom Wow Well, you just gave her a little something to chew on there.

Speaker 65 Does she ever Does she ever give you any advice on how to pop that pussy?

Speaker 69 I've never asked my mom how to pop that pussy

Speaker 4 Maybe you should

Speaker 31 It seems like you have a lot of semen in your balls right now

Speaker 47 Our senior semen correspondent Polly Shore is here.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 27 He's got a nose for it.

Speaker 31 Don't ejaculate on me, bro. Okay.

Speaker 3 I won't. I won't.

Speaker 70 You look like you're about to.

Speaker 103 I promise, dude.

Speaker 38 I promise.

Speaker 59 Jack, always fun.

Speaker 57 Always fun to watch. This is one of my favorite minutes you've ever done.

Speaker 17 I'm so glad we started the show with you tonight. Unbelievable.

Speaker 57 That's how it's done.

Speaker 12 Thank you, Jack Shaw. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 104 Thank you guys.

Speaker 70 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the pulsing heartbeat of the show, the bucket, where we meet someone perhaps for the first time, perhaps for their last time.

Speaker 74 Anything can happen.

Speaker 50 This is the opportunity that they have been waiting for for hours, hoping that their name gets pulled.

Speaker 50 Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Ashley Steinmetz, everyone.

Speaker 25 Ashley Steinmeltz or Metz.

Speaker 12 We're going to find out this is Ashley.

Speaker 107 Oh, I got the mic. Now it's going to go great.
Here you go.

Speaker 107 Love is Blind is really fucking up the men of this generation.

Speaker 107 I said hi to a guy on Hinge, and he sent me back a 60-second voice memo crying, saying I'm everything he's ever dreamed of, just like the show. That's been happening a lot more lately.

Speaker 107 Now they love Bomb before the first date. It's getting really fucking weird.

Speaker 12 Right?

Speaker 107 Are there any true crime people in the audience?

Speaker 12 Anyone?

Speaker 107 Yeah, absolutely. We're so obsessed with true crime as a country.
Anything that's true is now a fucking crime.

Speaker 107 Did you know that? Have y'all heard about that?

Speaker 95 It's true. Yeah.
There you go.

Speaker 107 I'm also great at parties. Yeah, I tell things like this.
They always say

Speaker 107 they always say not to stay home and just watch TV, but every bad date feels like an episode of I Survived.

Speaker 107 I'll end on this.

Speaker 107 We're all going to die.

Speaker 107 But Israel will be fine, so don't worry about it.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 52 Quite the closing line you got there.

Speaker 39 What do you mean by that exactly?

Speaker 94 I have so many questions, but we'll start with the most recent question that popped into my head.

Speaker 15 What do you mean by Israel will be fine?

Speaker 107 Well, I'm obsessed with politics, so I do social media for a living, so I see fucking everything. So most people don't have the time to see everything like I do.

Speaker 107 So I'm really fun at parties.

Speaker 107 I'm great at parties. I'm great on dates.
I've been going on a lot of them. If I don't like the guy, I just start talking about politics.

Speaker 43 Okay. You know,

Speaker 107 I know how to end things. Oh, okay.

Speaker 31 So you don't like any of us then, right?

Speaker 107 No, I adore you and I love the fuck out of you.

Speaker 70 We love

Speaker 70 you too.

Speaker 31 We love your hair. It's beautiful.
It's very Halloween-y.

Speaker 31 It's gorgeous.

Speaker 107 Yeah, I kill in October. I've been called Elvira for years.

Speaker 31 So what was up with

Speaker 31 the cue cards?

Speaker 99 What's up with that?

Speaker 20 Go ahead, Polly.

Speaker 109 Like, I mean.

Speaker 107 It makes sense. So,

Speaker 38 yeah, for sure.

Speaker 23 Go ahead, Ashley. Answer Polly's question first.

Speaker 38 Yeah, great part.

Speaker 107 So I'm a personality in rock and metal, so I've been interviewing bands for...

Speaker 28 Nobody gives a fuck.

Speaker 70 Anyway,

Speaker 13 so Ashley, no,

Speaker 2 let's do this.

Speaker 56 Ashley, how long have you attempted stand-up comedy for?

Speaker 40 Six months. And where have you been doing this at?

Speaker 107 I've been making the rounds up and down the street.

Speaker 2 This street? Yes.

Speaker 110 Okay.

Speaker 40 When you say making the rounds, are you talking about your body type?

Speaker 32 Ah, come on.

Speaker 14 What do you think Jack Shaw's mom would say about her?

Speaker 54 Am I right?

Speaker 50 Hello, sweetie.

Speaker 70 I have some advice for you.

Speaker 51 All right. Just kidding.

Speaker 46 Ashley's laughing.

Speaker 17 Everybody's having a good time here.

Speaker 40 For those of you watching this clip on whatever.

Speaker 91 She's smiling. She's thriving.

Speaker 21 So you say that you spend a lot of time on social media.

Speaker 60 That's what you do for a living?

Speaker 107 Yes.

Speaker 18 And how exactly do you make money doing that?

Speaker 107 So I've had a social media company for a decade. So I run it for businesses.
So I just happen to see every court meeting, hearing every, you know, congressional hearing everything.

Speaker 40 So, and you have enough time to do that while watching Love is Blind, True Crime Shows, and the show I Survived, which made up your entire minute of material, three television shows, and you're on social media.

Speaker 17 Are you doing both at the same time?

Speaker 107 And watching Outlander and Paul Poll Dark.

Speaker 58 Wow, you're professionally lazy.

Speaker 2 Incredible, Ashley.

Speaker 57 This is amazing.

Speaker 63 What else about you?

Speaker 8 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 107 My favorite thing in the world is friends, so that's my fucking show.

Speaker 49 The show?

Speaker 106 Air and in and in, air and air and an air now.

Speaker 77 All right.

Speaker 9 Um, okay, and you have

Speaker 107 just a cannibal corpse, that's fun.

Speaker 62 Okay,

Speaker 62 all right.

Speaker 41 Do you have uh do you have friends for a long time, or do you find you yourself rotating friends a lot in and out like you do with your dating life?

Speaker 68 Just a genuine question.

Speaker 107 I did just walk away from my best friend of 13 years.

Speaker 18 Tell us about that.

Speaker 28 I know for you to walk must take a lot of effort.

Speaker 107 It really did.

Speaker 107 How do I make it, yet surprisingly, upbeat?

Speaker 107 A very jealous shark of a horrible person tried to take me out in our friend group, and it worked on my best friend. And it, like, I have so many fucking times gone there for her.

Speaker 107 And I do not let people, people have said her name in vain and I don't let people do that yeah that's not cool right

Speaker 31 I know it's not cool can I ask you what's up with your cue cards

Speaker 8 I'm just want to figure out what's it is she get them at Walgreens CBS what do you think let me can I can do you mind if I read one of the jokes that you didn't do off the cue card I tend to be a lot funnier with no give me the whole stack Polly No, no, no, that's not how it works, Polly.

Speaker 46 Again, I'm, I don't know, if you're if you're planning on doing this for the next two hours, you could shove that wig in your fucking mouth, buddy.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 31 Well, I don't know if you should do that, Tony. That's not cool.
My name is.

Speaker 10 Nobody knows who you're doing in Impression of Polly.

Speaker 19 I literally told you not to do that two days ago when you pitched the idea to me.

Speaker 39 Then, are you out of your mind right now?

Speaker 111 Polly, take a sip of delicious water for a second.

Speaker 94 Okay. Let's see if we can make this funny.

Speaker 52 Definitely not that one.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 74 Any crime people in the audience?

Speaker 76 All right.

Speaker 19 Okay. Unstable women.

Speaker 40 I'm talking about me, of course.

Speaker 114 See how that got a laugh?

Speaker 52 But it's funny it wouldn't have if you said it.

Speaker 59 My friends come to me for advice.

Speaker 51 It's my favorite part of girlhood.

Speaker 91 Like, I solved Becky's problem with her boyfriend.

Speaker 24 Where do I go to sign up for the Supreme Court?

Speaker 54 Oh,

Speaker 53 yeah, that one's rough.

Speaker 39 What did you mean by that exactly?

Speaker 107 Could I try it?

Speaker 3 Yes. The way I do it? Okay.

Speaker 14 Yeah, go ahead. All right.

Speaker 2 Do you need to read it straight off?

Speaker 47 You've been doing this shit for six months and you're like, and you're just teleprompting, basically.

Speaker 28 Go ahead. Let's see if you got this.

Speaker 107 Stable women, me.

Speaker 107 Other unstable women, my friends. It's my favorite part of girlhood.

Speaker 108 I love it, right?

Speaker 107 Super fun. I like it.
Well,

Speaker 107 we support each other in that way. I just solved my girlfriend Becky's problems with her boyfriends last night.

Speaker 107 This country and these politics, where do I sign up for the Supreme Court?

Speaker 76 It's almost incredible the amount of silence in the room.

Speaker 117 I could literally,

Speaker 69 I believe, I can hear the guy in the last row breathing right now.

Speaker 39 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 3 Allergies are really affecting people, but I'm pretty sure that's just a normal breath, normal

Speaker 31 polyshore. Yeah, I find her completely fascinating.

Speaker 31 And I actually, if you want to open for me in Dallas at hyenas,

Speaker 31 you can do it, because I think this is great material, to be quite honest. So we can talk after the show in the back by the taco truck by the pizza place.

Speaker 118 I love that.

Speaker 75 Roseanne Barr, you were once a very

Speaker 40 thick, young female stand-up comedian.

Speaker 7 I really was.

Speaker 15 What type of advice do you have for Ashley Steinmetz or Meltz?

Speaker 107 Steinmetz.

Speaker 90 With a T.

Speaker 90 You have to cross your T.

Speaker 65 The question I'd like to ask

Speaker 65 is:

Speaker 65 well, there are several.

Speaker 65 One,

Speaker 65 who told you you were funny?

Speaker 65 I mean,

Speaker 65 seriously, and

Speaker 65 who told you you were funny, really?

Speaker 110 It's a good follow-up.

Speaker 107 There's a lot of white, nerdy men in comedy, and when I walk in the room, oh, they just die.

Speaker 107 But I have absolutely killed it in rooms. So sometimes we bomb, sometimes we fucking kill it, and I have fucking killed it before.

Speaker 65 Okay, but like, it doesn't seem like...

Speaker 65 Yeah. It doesn't seem like you have a lot of respect for comedy if you come up there reading notes.
You didn't even fucking memorize your fucking shitty act. Yeah.

Speaker 64 It's true.

Speaker 95 that is true

Speaker 65 you can't go up there with you know your shitty jokes wrote on uh recipe cards and read them off i mean that's rule number one you should know that you should at least memorize your shit yeah you know and get some delivery yeah you ever heard of that delivery

Speaker 65 And also, a joke is a premise and then a payoff. You don't even have any fucking punchlines.

Speaker 12 I got you.

Speaker 65 I mean really you I'm glad you're an influencer on whatever the fuck it is you do.

Speaker 65 And my advice is don't quit your fucking day job bitch.

Speaker 65 And I mean that in the best possible most positive way I can

Speaker 65 direct absolutely and you follow that advice and when I see you again you know I'll have better things to say to you you. But don't disrespect us with that shit just because you have a vagina.

Speaker 7 Okay?

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 7 Marianne.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 50 Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 7 Dropping

Speaker 7 knowledge.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 65 I mean, I'm 72. I don't have time to fuck around.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 114 And let me tell you, you know, you were the first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 3 This might seem like some tough medicine to take, but you are lucky enough to get to hear it from the true queen.

Speaker 17 And if you apply what she just told you to the rest of your life, sign up again, do better, no cards, and people will remember you forever.

Speaker 119 You could be a fucking legend.

Speaker 45 Who knows?

Speaker 31 And she can't open for me anymore at fucking height.

Speaker 31 Now that I think about it, you're right. I was fucked up before.
Now it's starting to come. Well, I have a lot of different personal.
I mean, she breastfed me when I was a child. I'm fucked up, dude.

Speaker 31 I go wishy-washy. I'm bisexual.
Give me a break.

Speaker 94 Ashley, your jokes have been returned to you with a little joke book attached.

Speaker 14 Congratulations.

Speaker 17 You were the first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 28 Take the sage advice.

Speaker 13 Oh, my God.

Speaker 101 Wow.

Speaker 50 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 94 Polly is out of control tonight.

Speaker 17 I mean, he's literally insane.

Speaker 99 Polly, we're trying to avoid lawsuits tonight, please.

Speaker 53 If you could just try to

Speaker 24 maybe just 15% chill, Polly.

Speaker 2 There goes Ashley, everybody.

Speaker 63 There she goes.

Speaker 74 I mean,

Speaker 3 you just...

Speaker 23 You ripped up her stuff, Polly. Yeehew!

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Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 109 That's right.

Speaker 27 And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month at Dockspace when you go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80.

Speaker 30 That's spacious to match with a licensed therapist today go to talkspace.com slash tony and enter promo code space80 right now

Speaker 26 Hello, hello, hello.

Speaker 27 This podcast is brought to you by Nickt. Nickt is back, baby, and they're our favorites.
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Speaker 103 Oh my God.

Speaker 48 Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 The great Heidi and Valerie Vaughan.

Speaker 20 This is normally only reserved for arenas having both of them at the same time.

Speaker 71 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 32 What did we miss?

Speaker 105 A tit pop out or something?

Speaker 111 What was that second pop for?

Speaker 32 Yes?

Speaker 17 Yes, how could I have guessed that a tit popped out?

Speaker 31 Let's give it up to the Kill Tony band killing it.

Speaker 39 Oh, okay, we're gonna do that right now.

Speaker 74 Again, Paulie, I'm about to beat the living shit out of you.

Speaker 12 I swear to God.

Speaker 48 I am about to beat you.

Speaker 82 You're going to be the first person guest I ever beat up during the show.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 70 Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 We're going to meet another comedian all together.

Speaker 50 Make some noise for Brian Cook, everyone. Here we go.
Brian Cook, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 117 Thank you very much.

Speaker 33 But I have some bad news, Kill Tony. I have a friend, a singer-songwriter friend here in Austin who he got some bad news from back home.

Speaker 33 He had a friend who overdosed and he passed away, and he's very sad about it. And he's down in the dumps, but he's never sounded better.
Guitar sounds great. Vocals sound great.

Speaker 33 He was playing for quarters on 6th Street the other day, you know, on the sidewalk, made $80 in one afternoon.

Speaker 117 He had a high roller give him a $100 bill.

Speaker 87 So if we're getting results like this, let's kill all his friends.

Speaker 33 Let's kill everyone he's ever met and take him to the top of the charts.

Speaker 117 You see, Dave girls don't grow on trees.

Speaker 33 It takes a lot of pain and suffering to create America's next pop sensation.

Speaker 117 So let's contribute to it by killing everyone he's ever met. And he'll be opening for Pearl Jam in no time.

Speaker 33 It's in our best interest as a nation, okay?

Speaker 33 It's in these trying times that I had once considered converting to Islam, but instead, I'm converting to K2.

Speaker 117 You know, you know what the homeless people smoke out here?

Speaker 33 Don't they look so happy when they're passed out on the sidewalk? I want in on that, so that's what I'm going to be doing after this set. Thank you very much.

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 26 here we go again.

Speaker 51 No note cards.

Speaker 8 That's a good sign.

Speaker 9 You had that memorized.

Speaker 51 It was that, but you had it memorized, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 94 And for that alone, we are grateful.

Speaker 58 Can I?

Speaker 14 Yes, Paulie Shore.

Speaker 31 I just want to tell you, this show has fucking changed since last time I was on.

Speaker 70 Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 31 Fuck are the comedians, bro. What the fuck? I know this is a political fucking rally here.

Speaker 22 I know.

Speaker 15 I know. The only ones here tonight are me and Roseanne, it seems to be.

Speaker 68 There's a wannabe host, control freak, and a sound effects specialist.

Speaker 53 Sweet.

Speaker 23 Brian, okay, let's talk about it because you've been funny on this show before.

Speaker 9 I remember you.

Speaker 59 Yes. That was kind of a rough set.

Speaker 39 Yeah. I don't think anybody knows really.

Speaker 15 How many of you know what K2 is by a round of applause?

Speaker 124 Oh, a lot of dirty drug addicts in the room.

Speaker 111 I had never even heard of it before.

Speaker 15 Is that like fentanyl?

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 33 It's the synthetic weed that people used to be on probation, they get drug tested. That's how it started.
How it ended is all these people under the red light losing their mind.

Speaker 102 It's ketamine, right?

Speaker 70 In the ballpark.

Speaker 117 I think it's like oregano with carpet cleaner on it.

Speaker 33 It's an unknown substance.

Speaker 57 So people are smoking it.

Speaker 52 It's like homeless people?

Speaker 123 Mostly. It's their favorite.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 9 Okay. Brian, remind us.

Speaker 49 What do you do for work?

Speaker 33 I was a hospitality ambassador downtown, but

Speaker 3 yeah, that didn't work. Okay.

Speaker 53 What happened?

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 33 besides the dire fear of getting stabbed with a screwdriver,

Speaker 33 specifically what happened is I said the F-word in the midst of a 911 call when I might have been distracted by someone else.

Speaker 118 So sorry for the rough language.

Speaker 57 Tell us exactly what happened there as quickly as you can, Brian.

Speaker 33 Without airing out another location on 6th Street, some people overdosed, and the cops were coming around asking everyone about it.

Speaker 33 And someone said they had information about the case, and then they started passing out. and I'm just on the sidewalk wondering what I did to deserve this.

Speaker 55 Wow.

Speaker 57 Are you on K2?

Speaker 12 Not right now.

Speaker 39 Not right now. Do you do it sometimes?

Speaker 57 What do you do?

Speaker 2 When you want to let it rip and let loose, what exactly do you do?

Speaker 33 These days, it's just smoking a blunt before the show because I honestly blame you for a little bit for Tony because I had a viral moment the last time I was on.

Speaker 3 What was that? What happened?

Speaker 33 I sang sang with the band.

Speaker 57 What did you sing? What happened?

Speaker 87 I was the death metal thing.

Speaker 33 I was making a bunch of noises like a caveman.

Speaker 116 It was fun.

Speaker 117 And then all of a sudden, everyone wanted to party with me, and it got out of control for about six months. And we might have taken some time off to get our priorities straight earlier this year.

Speaker 17 So because of the moment that you had on Kill Tony, people found you online, hit you up and said, hey, want to do drugs and hang out?

Speaker 33 See me here on 6th Street doing the clubs locally. Like, I'm sure you have people that want autographs and want pictures.
I have people who want to party with me.

Speaker 43 And I did. Wow.

Speaker 90 Well, I don't think you're going to have to worry about that after tonight's show.

Speaker 51 There's a lot of people deleting their outbox and emails to you right now online.

Speaker 31 Except for me, bro. Yeah.

Speaker 53 It's rock and roll.

Speaker 127 I love it.

Speaker 68 So, Brian, what do you do for work now?

Speaker 33 We're on the job hunt.

Speaker 22 How long have you been unemployed exactly?

Speaker 70 Three weeks.

Speaker 8 Three weeks. How much money do you have saved?

Speaker 15 That's a question only asked in the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 19 A lot of late-night shows and people like that, they find it to be private and

Speaker 40 they wouldn't go for that and ask somebody that.

Speaker 8 I love to find out.

Speaker 57 I consider this show raw and real and I love the fact because with you, I'm looking at you.

Speaker 90 Brother, it could be fucking anything could be the answer right now.

Speaker 19 You could have inherited $3.5 million at some point.

Speaker 40 You could also have $45 and only Uber eats cash right now.

Speaker 64 It could be anywhere.

Speaker 57 Tell us the honest answer.

Speaker 40 How much money do you have to survive and live off of right now?

Speaker 58 What is the net worth of Brian Cook?

Speaker 85 $1,200.

Speaker 122 Wow.

Speaker 53 Amazing.

Speaker 33 There's an asterisk on that. Okay.
Because I have rental assistance from the VA, so it's affordable.

Speaker 90 Okay, so that's great.

Speaker 74 So you have a little monthly check coming in.

Speaker 47 Yes.

Speaker 57 Amazing.

Speaker 75 And how much is that monthly check?

Speaker 123 $900.

Speaker 96 $900. $870.

Speaker 90 What's your rent?

Speaker 87 The portion I pay is $600.

Speaker 91 $600.

Speaker 75 So you have about two months.

Speaker 123 To land something.

Speaker 24 To To land something.

Speaker 57 Where do you see yourself being a good fit?

Speaker 91 You were once a hospitality ambassador somewhere downtown.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 117 The delivery driver thing was working out for years.

Speaker 33 Being in the band by myself seemed to be a good place to be. So I'm open to that.
But honestly, it's prospective employers out there.

Speaker 33 I have like appointments and shows here in life and other obligations. So I need that first half of the week off.
If I could work the weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, that'd be great.

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 19 Awfully picky for a guy that nobody wants to hire.

Speaker 3 Polly Shore.

Speaker 31 I think you can work at Voodoo Donuts, bro.

Speaker 97 Oh, good call.

Speaker 31 Because I've been there lately. The people that are working there, they're very sweet and they're very nice.
But this guy is,

Speaker 31 you're a hospitality major, bro. So when you walk in, you're like, welcome to Voodoo Donuts.

Speaker 31 You know what I mean? Let me hear you say it.

Speaker 122 Welcome to Voodoo Donuts.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 14 You want some donuts?

Speaker 57 We're going to check in.

Speaker 59 That's good, Polly.

Speaker 23 We're going to check in with Roseanne Barr now.

Speaker 26 now.

Speaker 65 I just wonder if, like, people started killing all your friends if you'd get funnier.

Speaker 52 I love this.

Speaker 19 We got the real Roseanne. We got sober, awesome, alive Roseanne tonight.

Speaker 46 Sometimes, I'm going to be honest with you guys, sometimes the last few appearances, maybe a little bit too much pre-gaming up in the green room.

Speaker 65 Yeah, I got to stay away from the weed you got up there. That is true.

Speaker 65 It does make me out of my my mind, and I act like Polly.

Speaker 17 You missed it.

Speaker 19 Red Band and I just gave her a standing ovation.

Speaker 40 And I don't think we've ever done that in 12 and a half years of doing this show. Almost 800 episodes.

Speaker 17 I don't think we've ever just given a guest a standing ovation. Why did you give

Speaker 43 me a

Speaker 32 me a standing ocean?

Speaker 31 Why the fuck did you give me a standing ovation? I missed it, motherfucker.

Speaker 31 I didn't see it.

Speaker 17 Brian, we hope that you find a way to make money.

Speaker 59 We're going to find out. We're going to get an update next time you're on.

Speaker 57 How often do you sign up for the show, Brian?

Speaker 87 It's been about every other week.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 109 Two, three times.

Speaker 17 Well, you'll get pulled again, and I expect a full update.

Speaker 40 $1,200.

Speaker 59 He's got about $400 coming in every month and $600 rent.

Speaker 7 Follow it closely.

Speaker 50 That's Brian.

Speaker 40 Yeah, one more piece of advice from the great Roseanne Bar.

Speaker 65 Good advice. I think you should act like you are drugged up.

Speaker 54 And

Speaker 65 because then that goes with your material because you're being real straight doing this funky material, but I think you could pull it off if you'd act like you were really effed up.

Speaker 65 You know what I mean?

Speaker 65 It goes with your material.

Speaker 117 I accept your advice.

Speaker 39 I absolutely, again, agree with the great Roseanne Barr.

Speaker 87 Ladies and gentlemen, invite you to the lucky duck.

Speaker 33 I get two extra minutes in perpetuity.

Speaker 72 All right, there he goes.

Speaker 2 Brian Cook, everybody.

Speaker 45 Wow, we're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 16 Some wacky bucket pulls and icons and legends giving feedback.

Speaker 57 This is about as much fun as it gets for me.

Speaker 17 Okay, we know this next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 8 She has been on the show a few times before,

Speaker 42 and

Speaker 50 it, they, them is a comedian here in Texas. Make some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 34 Shit, I just got back from Dallas popping my pussy everywhere I can.

Speaker 34 My dad would be so proud.

Speaker 34 And yes, I know my dad. He literally calls me every other birthday.

Speaker 34 I actually just turned 29 a few weeks ago, believe it or not. Yeah.
Yeah, make some noise, make some noise.

Speaker 93 Yes.

Speaker 34 I couldn't decide whether I wanted to have a pool party or just drink my pool. It was just a lot, but

Speaker 34 I think I'll be okay. My beauty feels like it's still on an incline, or at least the hormones are still doing their job, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 34 And, and, and.

Speaker 34 Sucking dick is great for your jawline if you didn't know that. You didn't know, if you didn't know.

Speaker 34 I actually actually just broke a nail giving a hand job in the fucking back alley.

Speaker 64 Oh, hi, yeah.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 49 I must have missed the cough.

Speaker 59 Polly thought he was dying for a second.

Speaker 54 There.

Speaker 39 Polly, okay?

Speaker 76 Was that a boner I just saw when you stood up a second ago?

Speaker 31 When she coughed, I came in my pants.

Speaker 56 I love it.

Speaker 81 One more time for Phoenix, everybody.

Speaker 63 Phoenix, welcome back to the show.

Speaker 6 Thank you.

Speaker 8 You know, a lot of Texans might be confused when they see you.

Speaker 15 Meanwhile, you know yourself better than the last two bucket pools, it appears.

Speaker 74 You were the only person to get any audible volume of laughter from the audience through your set.

Speaker 57 Congratulations and welcome back.

Speaker 115 How's life been going for you, Phoenix?

Speaker 34 Pretty good. Pretty good.
Been trying to stay booked and busy.

Speaker 9 Perfect.

Speaker 8 Remind us, the viewers in our esteemed panel, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 34 It's been almost three years now.

Speaker 49 Three years.

Speaker 15 And all of it, you are a trans woman and always were.

Speaker 96 Yes.

Speaker 70 Right.

Speaker 34 Well, I transitioned medically about three years ago as well. Maybe a little bit before I did comedy, but I've been socially transitioning since I was probably like 14.

Speaker 89 Right.

Speaker 17 And medical means hormones.

Speaker 34 Right.

Speaker 59 And how are those affecting you?

Speaker 46 Is it still the same?

Speaker 17 Anything new?

Speaker 57 I always find it so interesting.

Speaker 17 Are you like feeling more like a woman every day?

Speaker 57 Or are you starting to get to like school shooter mode?

Speaker 12 No.

Speaker 51 You know, these levels, they have to be checked.

Speaker 8 If you just keep taking stuff, turns out it's not always good for everybody's brain.

Speaker 45 But you seem to have a good handle on yourself.

Speaker 60 You seem very present.

Speaker 51 You always have.

Speaker 9 You don't own any guns, right?

Speaker 76 A rifle?

Speaker 118 No. Perfect.

Speaker 12 Great.

Speaker 46 Tell us about it.

Speaker 34 The hormones make me feel soft, for one.

Speaker 34 And they keep me sane, really, because

Speaker 100 I don't know what I mean.

Speaker 34 I would look like this no matter what the case was, like whether it was about being a woman or whatever. I'd just be that bitch walking down the street being my own person.

Speaker 34 So they've kind of just helped me with the things, I guess, fill out my aesthetic.

Speaker 116 That's that's the main thing.

Speaker 34 Titties, nice skin.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Yep.

Speaker 18 That's about it. Amazing.

Speaker 75 And remind us, what do you do for work again?

Speaker 34 I feel like you ask me this question a lot, but my main thing for work is the stage. I only work on stage.

Speaker 57 What do you do on stage?

Speaker 34 Drag, stand-up, dancing, choreography, makeup.

Speaker 93 I love it. Anything.

Speaker 40 You have a steady boyfriend?

Speaker 23 I do. How long you been with this guy?

Speaker 34 It'll be six years at the end of the year.

Speaker 96 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 57 A steady relationship.

Speaker 80 Incredible.

Speaker 16 These people that have their own vaginas and penises and stuff can't even figure it out.

Speaker 57 Meanwhile, a complex character like you, a six-year relationship, having fun, being an artist, you make enough money to live comfortably?

Speaker 41 Are you pooling a little Brian Cook out there, surviving off of what appears to be $400 a month?

Speaker 51 He's the last comedian.

Speaker 34 I make decent decent enough money to be comfortable, but I'm not super expensive. Right.
Like, this is a $7 dress with about $200 worth of stones on it that I did myself.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 23 yeah. Okay.
What does the boyfriend do for work?

Speaker 34 He's a crane operator.

Speaker 52 Oh, wow. Okay, yes.

Speaker 17 It's coming back to me now.

Speaker 19 I remember the jokes that I made last time.

Speaker 9 There's a lot of good crane operating jokes when

Speaker 94 the girlfriend in the relationship probably, I'm guessing, has a huge cock.

Speaker 3 Am I right?

Speaker 90 Yes. Yes, of course.
Yeah.

Speaker 52 Tonka.

Speaker 2 You are tall.

Speaker 64 How tall are you without heels or whatever?

Speaker 34 5'10.

Speaker 58 Oh, okay.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Just to get the visuals, he wants to bend over in front of you.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 34 Look at that.

Speaker 124 Look at that.

Speaker 31 Did you know I was a crane operator?

Speaker 31 For real, we want to come out. Why don't you just tell him that I'm the person that he's been dating for six years, please? Thank you.

Speaker 9 Phoenix.

Speaker 34 I haven't been paid to say it.

Speaker 18 I love it. Phoenix, how has Stand Up been going for you?

Speaker 74 Do you find yourself getting better, having more fun?

Speaker 60 Take us through your three-year process here.

Speaker 34 Well, I've been hosting an open mic in Dallas with a new club that just kind of started. So kind of building a show there has been...

Speaker 34 has given me the chance to be able just to speak a little bit more, even though I'm like shaky as fuck right now. Sorry.

Speaker 34 But yeah, it's been fun. Also hosting drag shows to where I'm used to like cussing out faggots and gay boys and all that other fun.

Speaker 64 There you go.

Speaker 19 I'm pretty sure you can say that word and it doesn't have to be bleeped, by the way.

Speaker 34 Which word do you want me to say?

Speaker 19 Famous homophobe D-Madness suddenly has to pee, everybody.

Speaker 44 Notorious resident homophobe of the show, D-Madness,

Speaker 10 needing an immediate pee.

Speaker 129 I seen enough of this shit.

Speaker 129 Man, I gotta take a piss if I ever had to in my life

Speaker 39 i haven't had a cup of water in three days but i got a piss all of a sudden god damn it well that's up because who's gonna tell him he has rainbow glasses on

Speaker 19 that's a good point

Speaker 94 that's a good point

Speaker 3 look at this little rivalry de madness versus she madness

Speaker 26 this is incredible Roseanne Barr, I mean, this is an interesting predicament for you.

Speaker 8 A powerful woman that swings and punches like a man

Speaker 52 and has a huge cock.

Speaker 53 Yes, I do.

Speaker 7 It is.

Speaker 65 It's way bigger than yours. That's true.

Speaker 127 That's true.

Speaker 3 I agree.

Speaker 65 I know.

Speaker 31 I don't know about that. I've seen them both.

Speaker 53 Anyways.

Speaker 65 Well, I think

Speaker 65 you've got a great look.

Speaker 65 Thank you. And you have some presence on stage.
And some confidence. The only thing you ain't got is any jokes.

Speaker 65 And you should have. I mean, you should have a wealth of jokes and some snapbacks.
You know, you should. For sure.
For sure you should. And I don't know why you don't.

Speaker 65 And I'm mad at you because you don't.

Speaker 65 Because, you know,

Speaker 65 you've been on both sides of the street and you should have something to say about it. Yeah.

Speaker 53 And why don't you?

Speaker 52 Roseanne is dying.

Speaker 53 Why don't you?

Speaker 65 You know, why don't you? You should tell us more about your dad. You should tell us why he don't call you.
You should be pissed off about it and have some shit to say, girl.

Speaker 13 Roseanne is batting 1,001%

Speaker 50 tonight.

Speaker 7 Right.

Speaker 34 Well, I think part of the reason my dad doesn't call me because he watched this show.

Speaker 95 He watches the show religiously, so he's going to be like...

Speaker 34 I don't want any relation with that.

Speaker 52 Hold on a second.

Speaker 57 Was your dad a fan of the show before you started coming on it?

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Did you know he was a fan before you started signing up?

Speaker 34 I didn't. He called me like a week before my episode came out the first time.

Speaker 117 And I was like, oh, well, by the way, I'm going to be on that show next week.

Speaker 34 And then my episode dropped.

Speaker 17 Did he not know about your life and everything?

Speaker 45 No, that's the whole every other birthday thing.

Speaker 32 Oh.

Speaker 38 Yeah. I mean, he's probably going to call me now.

Speaker 34 He watches it. Fuck.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 65 But yeah. Well, what do you, what would, what do you want to say to him?

Speaker 96 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 65 Say something to him.

Speaker 2 This is yours.

Speaker 31 Where's my kid? Play some music, please.

Speaker 52 There's a lipstick on your tree.

Speaker 70 It's the red.

Speaker 24 Well, I guess it's blue tonight.

Speaker 90 That little blue light over there. You see that?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 Dad,

Speaker 34 I'm sorry every time you see me. I just get gayer and gayer.

Speaker 34 Every time.

Speaker 3 But if you called more often,

Speaker 34 you wouldn't be surprised to know that I'm growing titties and I keep my dick tucked between my fucking shoulder blades.

Speaker 130 Okay.

Speaker 56 Again, Roseanne Barr with all three bucket pools is more of a pharmacist than a comedian tonight.

Speaker 17 She is giving the exact dose of advice that everybody needs and she's bringing this out in people.

Speaker 131 Phoenix, that's a perfect response to your father who's watching out there.

Speaker 52 How does it make you feel before I let you go because you know you people

Speaker 90 I just want to ask you because I feel like America and maybe the world needs to hear it.

Speaker 48 How does it make you feel all the recent, oh boy,

Speaker 2 this is just one of those moments where I know I'm inside of a viral clip?

Speaker 53 Fuck.

Speaker 46 How does it make you feel all the school shootings and crime and assassinations?

Speaker 40 Because it's kind of like, you know, the trans thing.

Speaker 20 It was like getting big and popular and people were starting to get accepting.

Speaker 24 And then all of a sudden goes, pop, pop, pop, dr.

Speaker 63 And it's like kind of, you know, a bad look for you people, which is crazy because you people had a bad look for many decades.

Speaker 47 And then all of a sudden we started coming around.

Speaker 15 And now it's like, you know, we first we were worried about what's down there and now we're kind of worried about what's up here.

Speaker 57 You know, how does this all make you feel?

Speaker 9 Like, I know that when I find out that an assassin isn't a fucking, you know, when you find out what they are, you know, I'm kind of like, oh, please don't be of this, right?

Speaker 15 So I'd imagine for you, when you find out, like, fuck,

Speaker 22 it's one of us.

Speaker 61 Kind of sucks, right?

Speaker 34 I mean, but that's how I feel about white people in general.

Speaker 68 When you say you're people, do you mean

Speaker 26 boys, girls, blacks, tall people?

Speaker 24 What exactly do you mean?

Speaker 34 The niggers, the beasts.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 89 Again.

Speaker 23 Again, I'm pretty sure she can say it.

Speaker 12 I wasn't done.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 3 She's She's just talking about what's in her underwear right now, by the way.

Speaker 3 Boom.

Speaker 34 And to answer your question, I love the free advertising, even if it does come from a fat Cheeto.

Speaker 18 I missed it there.

Speaker 34 The free advertising because you asked about how everybody, how I feel about the attention, about everything.

Speaker 34 It's free advertising for me because most people don't know a trans person and then I walk around the corner and lucky for them, I'm the first one.

Speaker 31 Can Can we just ask what your dead name is?

Speaker 2 That's a good question, Polly.

Speaker 34 My dead name?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 70 Philip.

Speaker 70 For Philip, bro. Philip, that makes sense.

Speaker 103 I could see that.

Speaker 48 PHPH.

Speaker 3 Yep, yep.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 31 You have a picture of Philip?

Speaker 90 Philip in Phoenix.

Speaker 117 No, I don't have it on me.

Speaker 94 What do you think?

Speaker 45 She has that fucking old headshot or something on her?

Speaker 40 So, PH, Philip, PH is in Phoenix, and pH levels are one thing that you'll never have to worry about as a woman.

Speaker 116 That's actually not my dead name.

Speaker 34 Oh, okay. My dead name is Byron.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 118 Yep. Did it hurt to say it?

Speaker 34 It just, it doesn't resonate anymore.

Speaker 31 It's not who is dead.

Speaker 4 Yeah, basically, yeah.

Speaker 31 Now, your vagina, is it better like the way it is now or before?

Speaker 3 It smells prettier.

Speaker 31 Oh, it smells prettier? Yeah.

Speaker 40 I'm going to let you guys finish this on a date tonight.

Speaker 111 Paulie and Phoenix.

Speaker 23 He's going to try to operate that crane.

Speaker 57 Phoenix, thanks for coming on again.

Speaker 57 Fun times.

Speaker 9 We'll see you again soon.

Speaker 31 Keep it up, firing, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 50 No, don't call her that, you asshole. Put that fucking mic down.

Speaker 7 Beautiful.

Speaker 50 Phoenix provocateur speaking directly to her father tonight. Look at the lovely Heidi.

Speaker 50 Her and Valerie's new podcast, Love on the Line, is out now.

Speaker 126 By the way, this episode is brought to you by Blue Chew and ZipRecruiter.

Speaker 27 Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Quo. Let's talk about something every business owner knows too well.
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Speaker 76 Oh, hey, I didn't see you there.

Speaker 27 This podcast is sponsored by Mando Falls here, Chris Bear, football, maybe a bonfire or two. But if you're like most guys, you're still putting in hard work.

Speaker 102 And yeah, that means sweat.

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Speaker 50 We have another golden ticket winner for you, ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting.
This young man was one of the first people to ever get awarded a golden ticket about six years ago.

Speaker 50 The day before his 21st birthday, because he cashed in the next day at the comedy store legally at the age of 21 on his 21st birthday.

Speaker 50 So we remember him well from Phoenix, Arizona, and now a New York York City comedian. This is the long-awaited return for those of you that have been fans for many years of Tristan bowling.

Speaker 50 Everybody, make some noise for Tristan.

Speaker 5 Hey, Kill Tony, how the fuck we feeling, huh?

Speaker 69 A little about me.

Speaker 93 I'm a cat guy.

Speaker 130 I got two cats. Do we like guys?

Speaker 7 Yeah. Hey.

Speaker 132 Fine. Yeah.

Speaker 69 Pussy.

Speaker 69 That's what I talk. When I say I love pussy, that's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 130 People are like, I want to crush it. I'm like, really?

Speaker 69 I want to snuggle it.

Speaker 71 But I got two cats at home.

Speaker 130 I love them to death. I got a black cat and I got a Puerto Rican cat.

Speaker 71 I know she's Puerto Rican.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 130 She rolls her R's when she meows.

Speaker 130 I'll be like, tiny, what are you doing? She looks at me like,

Speaker 12 and

Speaker 92 which I know just means stupid.

Speaker 3 Like, I know.

Speaker 130 But she's got long nails and she's prone to violence. So

Speaker 130 I posted me doing that joke on the internet, and one of the comments asked me, What makes your other cat black?

Speaker 64 He doesn't pay right. I'm kidding.

Speaker 89 My name's Tristan. Have a good night.

Speaker 113 And that is the difference between a bucket pull and a true long-time golden ticket winner.

Speaker 13 Getting his golden ticket over six years ago and never resting, working almost nightly for years and years and years.

Speaker 75 Took the big leap to New York City how long ago?

Speaker 31 Three years ago.

Speaker 28 Three years ago. And at the time, it was a big deal.
You were still, right, kind of living with your parents in Phoenix.

Speaker 15 Going out on New York on your own was a huge thing.

Speaker 40 And look at you now crushing the hardest snapping punchlines of the night.

Speaker 9 Thank you, man.

Speaker 15 Exactly what Roseanne has been asking everyone to do to fucking bring the heat.

Speaker 69 Don't yell at me, Roseanne.

Speaker 69 Please don't yell at me.

Speaker 21 I watched your show a lot.

Speaker 65 No, I was going to say that's that's how we do it.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 81 Absolutely amazing, Tristan.

Speaker 2 So update us with your life.

Speaker 19 We haven't gotten to see you in a while.

Speaker 3 How's everything going?

Speaker 130 Everything's going tight, dude.

Speaker 69 Me and actually, like last Monday.

Speaker 3 Septy Madness.

Speaker 23 Oh, look who's back for the straight man.

Speaker 129 This motherfucker put his penis in a vagina or not?

Speaker 3 All right, I'll go back out.

Speaker 129 Is that fucking bitch dude gone?

Speaker 41 Tell us more, Tristan.

Speaker 130 No, last Monday, me and my chick celebrated four years of being together.

Speaker 64 We just created something.

Speaker 91 Oh, D-Madden is just breathed a sigh of relief verbally, by the way.

Speaker 130 D-Madness, you ain't gonna survive re-election, though, dude. I'm fucking a dude next.

Speaker 3 Whoa.

Speaker 12 I'm kidding.

Speaker 52 Oh, there he goes.

Speaker 130 Dusty dusty has to pee again my bad no i know i love pussy it's fun hell yeah so tristan tell us more how's comedy been going what's what's happening out in new york city it's been going good dude i've uh i've just been hanging out just hanging out at uh i hang out at the stand a lot see a lot of weird people coming through there just a lot of people getting fucked up dude so i saw a chick piss in the hallway the other week which is hard to do with the dick but with a chick doing it it's bonkers to see so exactly how exactly did she do that?

Speaker 75 Is that pants, a skirt against a wall?

Speaker 130 How does that happen?

Speaker 130 It was pants against, like, sitting. It was pretty impressive because she was doing like a perfect squat.

Speaker 18 No, not against the wall.

Speaker 109 Against the wall.

Speaker 130 Like a perfect, like how you do it in like middle school and shit like that.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 26 90-degree angle.

Speaker 3 90-degree angle. That's hard to hold for her.

Speaker 117 I know.

Speaker 130 Her ass was fantastic.

Speaker 130 But it was just crazy because

Speaker 130 people would be like, excuse me, Miss, you're pissing. And she's like, can you give me a second?

Speaker 3 Wow, she thought they were walking in on her.

Speaker 69 Yeah, she's like, the audacity

Speaker 27 to stop me.

Speaker 110 Yeah, people get fucked up.

Speaker 62 That's a real thing.

Speaker 130 Yeah, but it's been fun visiting here in Austin. Everyone's been trying to get me to move here, which is, I know.
I'm like, I've been talking to my friends.

Speaker 17 They're like, this is my house.

Speaker 130 It's beautiful. I'm like, how much do you pay for it? They're like, 35 cents.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 130 And I'm like, fuck, I live in a shoebox for so much money. Yeah.
Dude, it's crazy. $2,900 for like less than a thousand square feet.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 130 Yeah. It's fun.

Speaker 132 It's fun.

Speaker 133 Why not move here then? There's no state taxes. It's in the middle of the country.

Speaker 78 So if you go on the road, it's perfect.

Speaker 25 What's holding you back?

Speaker 130 Do you know what?

Speaker 16 I know you have Parkinson's.

Speaker 76 I'm seeing your right hand.

Speaker 62 Dude,

Speaker 130 literally, I watched my last interview last time and I did the arm wiggle thing and I need to stop it. Yeah.

Speaker 130 Stationary.

Speaker 100 Strong, steadfast.

Speaker 69 I'm headstrong, headstrong, ready to take you on.

Speaker 3 The take on everyone.

Speaker 130 No, yeah, arm is, dude, this arm is going to wiggle one fucking inch now.

Speaker 130 No, I'm doing good, Tony. No, I definitely, I love the smell of underground piss.

Speaker 50 That's one thing keeping me in New York.

Speaker 69 We got that here.

Speaker 2 There's a little three-block area that people talk about.

Speaker 130 Dude, that is a militia zone. Yeah.

Speaker 118 That's fucking terrifying, dude.

Speaker 130 No, the New York homeless, they like, you know, you walk past someone, they'll be like, I like your smile, God bless.

Speaker 100 And you'd be like, thank you, sir.

Speaker 109 But here they'd be like, I want to eat your teeth.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 52 It's funny.

Speaker 41 I think it's like a it's like a thing.

Speaker 109 I think wherever you're on the home field, like I like our eat your teeth people here.

Speaker 39 But when I'm in New York, that's where I got.

Speaker 3 Eat your teeth people.

Speaker 114 No.

Speaker 57 But they're not saying eat your teeth. They're saying something else and they seem aggressive.

Speaker 40 It's funny.

Speaker 94 new yorkers come here they're like oh you're homeless like what i like know exactly what two comedy clubs they bounced back and forth from yeah by them acknowledging the homeless which is here and two blocks that way yeah very true whereas in new york they're over many miles of literally

Speaker 130 absolute fucking insanity it's more spread out so we get to know our homeless dude we got a guy shout out stinkfoot i love him yeah yeah

Speaker 69 he walks around he's just smelly and he'll go away and you're like fuck did stinkfoot die but then he cleaned up and you're like fuck yeah you got shoes motherfucking stinkfoot with the new shoes tristan with the new shoes dude you have always been one of the more impressive features of the show and again tonight you prove that people working hard having experience utilizing their

Speaker 17 credit from the show and position and you've taken that golden ticket you took it to New York with you and you just keep getting better it's amazing to watch your growth again he won it the day before his 21st birthday and in Phoenix and then literally cashed in on the show the next day in LA on his 21st so it's amazing to see yeah I just

Speaker 31 who also started young at the conference I just met you the other night upstairs for a half a second yeah

Speaker 31 I never seen you before but it's nice to see how real this fucking show is how people are really he's really fucking doing it this guy really started here. This isn't fake, man.

Speaker 31 You know, this is some real shit. You guys ever want to do it? He started...
You probably weren't that good at the beginning, right?

Speaker 69 Well, that, what? You were probably...

Speaker 31 Perfect. I said you probably weren't that, do you have to speak English? What the fuck, bro?

Speaker 70 No, no.

Speaker 31 No, you probably weren't that good at the beginning, and now you're great.

Speaker 69 No, I fucking ripped day one.

Speaker 117 Yeah. But...

Speaker 48 He was actually really good.

Speaker 47 We weren't handing out golden tickets that much back then.

Speaker 60 It was a very rare treat.

Speaker 37 So, you know, you go back six years.

Speaker 91 I think he was like one of the first five ever people to win it.

Speaker 23 Anyway, great stuff, buddy.

Speaker 56 You're doing it.

Speaker 94 Back to New York with you.

Speaker 70 Go follow him.

Speaker 50 Go find him. One of the big stars of the future.

Speaker 50 26 now?

Speaker 35 27.

Speaker 50 27. Wow, we met him when he was 20.
There he goes. Tristan bowling.

Speaker 50 You never know. Any one of these people could be the next the next big thing.
Everything's happening.

Speaker 50 your next bucket pool that we're gonna meet or see again all together goes by the name of Austin Young everybody make some noise for Austin Young oh we know Austin

Speaker 67 what's going on guys

Speaker 128 so I've been living in Texas now for a while I love living in Texas my dad's a big fan that I live here and he really wants me to get a gun and here's the thing I've never owned a gun and it's not for like political or moral reasons it's just um i like to keep a gun in the house for the same reason I like to keep ice cream there.

Speaker 128 You know,

Speaker 128 I like to keep temptation away, all right?

Speaker 92 Because sometimes I get sad and I have no self-control. So I don't need that

Speaker 12 in my life.

Speaker 92 But my dad's like really adamant about it.

Speaker 128 He's like, Austin, you're a Texan now. You got to get yourself a gun.
Like, what are you going to do for home defense?

Speaker 134 How are you going to protect yourself? Somebody breaks in.

Speaker 128 I say, listen, dad, I am six foot four and over 300 pounds. And I sleep naked.

Speaker 117 All right.

Speaker 67 That is scarier than any man with a gun could ever be, all right?

Speaker 128 I got the body of Shrek and the face of a toddler.

Speaker 87 Can you imagine seeing this?

Speaker 12 Just running out of the darkness?

Speaker 80 It's fucking terrifying, dude.

Speaker 124 Thank you.

Speaker 113 Fuck yes.

Speaker 113 Boom.

Speaker 89 Momentum has found this episode.

Speaker 47 Austin Young, absolutely crushing with exactly a minute.

Speaker 17 Unbelievable stuff.

Speaker 59 Funny about you.

Speaker 130 Honest to you.

Speaker 72 Real. Yeah.

Speaker 17 No one here would want to walk in on that in the middle of the night.

Speaker 19 That is scarier than a gun.

Speaker 15 Has anything like that ever happened?

Speaker 22 You ever have any home invaders or anything?

Speaker 128 No, no bumps in the night or nothing like that.

Speaker 60 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 46 They probably hear you're snoring and they're like, oh,

Speaker 46 there's 10 lions in there right now.

Speaker 54 We should probably go rob another apartment.

Speaker 128 Yeah, I have really bad sleep apnea.

Speaker 64 I bet you do. It's horrible.

Speaker 10 I can't even fucking imagine.

Speaker 40 Tell us about that.

Speaker 96 Do you even fall all the way asleep all the way?

Speaker 3 I die every night. Yeah.

Speaker 97 It's really bad.

Speaker 24 Tell us more.

Speaker 40 Like, is it just kind of, you just kind of like...

Speaker 117 It's a health risk for sure.

Speaker 23 Have you talked to a doctor about this?

Speaker 128 Yeah, I had to get it because I'm a truck driver, so they wouldn't prescribe me, they wouldn't give me

Speaker 128 my medical card until I got a CPAP machine. Like, I had to get a sleep study, and they were like, you'd probably like stop breathing 15 times a night.
And I'm just like,

Speaker 32 All right, you know,

Speaker 20 wow.

Speaker 47 See, your CPAP machine-is that like an extra strong one, or is it all normal? I don't understand how that works.

Speaker 3 I know,

Speaker 3 but

Speaker 78 Redband's laughing at me, like, oh,

Speaker 109 look who doesn't know about CPAP machines over here.

Speaker 68 Our senior CPAP correspondent, Brian Redband.

Speaker 3 I just asked him, How dare you laugh at my CPAP question?

Speaker 135 I thought it was a 3XL one, like three

Speaker 53 different ones.

Speaker 128 No, that's just my shirt size. uh

Speaker 128 no it blows air like a son of a bitch for sure that's

Speaker 53 absolutely

Speaker 128 um so austin remind us what do you do for work do you're a truck driver still i was a truck driver i'm no longer a truck driver i actually work at sunset strip oh

Speaker 22 wow well wow the comedy what's it like working for brian redband he's just like the coolest guy ever you know almost like

Speaker 51 wow do you guys share cpap machines sometimes You guys take a little nap at work together, just fucking hook up and pass out?

Speaker 128 Yeah, we swap nasal guards.

Speaker 126 I love it.

Speaker 46 What do you do for fun, Austin?

Speaker 128 For fun, you know, go to Barton Springs. That's pretty fun.

Speaker 134 Yeah, that's my favorite spot.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 79 Do you do cannonballs and freak everybody out?

Speaker 93 Yeah, I do that. It's pretty fun.
It's nice.

Speaker 12 Amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 134 Amazing. So

Speaker 21 these allergies affecting you at all?

Speaker 90 I've been hit by the allergies the last couple days. No, I'm good.

Speaker 121 I'm not a bitch.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 11 Look at that. Amazing.
Amazing.

Speaker 10 I'm going to have to remind myself of what a bitch I am when I lay my head on my pillow and don't have to strap a unit to myself.

Speaker 3 You fucking ticking time bomb.

Speaker 23 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 54 All right.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 46 You'll never believe who wants me to ask you this, but

Speaker 22 I just got a, I have one question.

Speaker 62 Do you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 128 I do not.

Speaker 54 Wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 54 why not?

Speaker 3 Why not? Yeah.

Speaker 117 I don't know.

Speaker 2 You think you might.

Speaker 67 I try my fucking hardest, Tony.

Speaker 23 When you say you try your hardest, what does that mean exactly?

Speaker 128 I mean, I'll ask a lady out, and then it just kind of, I don't know. I just get really nervous and I bring up January 6th, and then that's about.

Speaker 101 Oh, yep.

Speaker 7 That's about it.

Speaker 65 Say that. You're so fucking funny.

Speaker 85 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 54 I swear, you are.

Speaker 124 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 65 You are really, really funny.

Speaker 65 You got it all there. You got all the elements it takes.
You're likable.

Speaker 65 You just got a funny outlook. I mean, you're just funny.
I want to see you put your shit together.

Speaker 65 And I think you're going to kill.

Speaker 65 I really think you got it. You got it going on.

Speaker 80 Yeah. You are a star.

Speaker 63 Paulie Shore.

Speaker 31 He's like, he's kinda, you kind of remind me like a baby

Speaker 7 Gabriel.

Speaker 17 A Babriel Inglesia.

Speaker 31 No, he's so likable. I love your smile.
It's beautiful.

Speaker 31 Don't ever change your smile. I never will.
Yeah, it's beautiful. Can I squeeze your tiz?

Speaker 38 Yeah, of course. Go, Paul.

Speaker 113 You really are.

Speaker 113 Buster! Mommy and Buster!

Speaker 111 You really are a star.

Speaker 98 It's incredible.

Speaker 128 Yeah, I'm hard as hell.

Speaker 40 you're like John too much candy

Speaker 39 you're like soon to be gone balushi

Speaker 87 you call me fat in the most creative ways

Speaker 28 look it's it's not it's not easy I get a lot of practice with the great red band here

Speaker 65 yes Roseanne did you ever try to go on a diet at all?

Speaker 65 Great question. I just want to hear what you're going to do.

Speaker 117 Yeah, here and there.

Speaker 93 I used to be bigger. I was like 420.
Blaze.

Speaker 28 He starts dieting.

Speaker 128 That's how big I was. Yeah.

Speaker 81 He starts dieting sometimes and then he gets nervous and brings up January 6th when it ends.

Speaker 65 No, but I mean,

Speaker 65 do you want to lose weight?

Speaker 104 Of course.

Speaker 65 Try it. What stops you?

Speaker 69 Eating disorder?

Speaker 117 I don't know.

Speaker 128 General sadness, I guess.

Speaker 4 General sadness

Speaker 2 sounds like some type of military leader.

Speaker 31 What's your favorite sandwich?

Speaker 3 Corned beef hash.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 19 Just take note.

Speaker 13 That answer came in.

Speaker 124 We're getting word.

Speaker 52 It came in 0.02 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 Unbelievable.

Speaker 16 That was the fastest answer in the history of the show.

Speaker 23 I'm getting word from Guinness right now that you've set about seven records here tonight, most of them all fat things.

Speaker 2 Have you ever tried or thought about Ozempic?

Speaker 117 Doesn't it eat your bones or something? I don't know.

Speaker 127 That's what you're worried about, dude.

Speaker 53 I like my bones.

Speaker 2 The thing is, your bones are most in danger of getting eaten by you.

Speaker 112 Oh, Paulie liked that one.

Speaker 12 The host of the show, Paulie Shore, giving me some credit over here.

Speaker 10 I'm just on panel tonight.

Speaker 31 You know what? Yeah, Paul. You know why he answered to that so quick? Why?

Speaker 7 Because chubby people love sandwiches.

Speaker 31 They do. They love sandwiches, right?

Speaker 51 I love it.

Speaker 14 Paulie's having a real breakthrough here from two and a half minutes ago.

Speaker 74 Hey, you guys remember that thing with the Phoenix and Phillip and all that?

Speaker 17 You know why?

Speaker 33 Because she had a peep.

Speaker 135 Red band. Austin, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 50 And like that, even though he works there, he's going from the door checking IDs to on stage this Thursday Austin you already have a big joke book is it filled up

Speaker 52 not yet okay well the keyboard

Speaker 23 there you go love another one if it's oh well in that case a guy that just has no fucking

Speaker 61 does no chill whatsoever there you go

Speaker 50 a truth star Austin young ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 50 this show is so fun

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Speaker 101 Grabbing the holidays by the bows with Duluth.

Speaker 97 Step one: hire a mall SATA to handle snow removal.

Speaker 7 Ho, ho, ho!

Speaker 44 Buy Sciatica.

Speaker 101 Step two, hit Duluth Trading and load up on fire hose pants, buck-naked underwear, pocket-packed bibs, free swinging flannel, and all kinds of ingenious gear you won't find anywhere else.

Speaker 101 Grab the holidays by the bows and shop Duluth Trading online and in store.

Speaker 50 We have some momentum now. Anything can happen.
Two strong comedian performances in a row.

Speaker 70 Back to the bucket.

Speaker 50 We go with Blake Jones, everybody. Blake Jones.

Speaker 71 What's up, y'all? How we doing? Yes, I look like ZZ Bottom.

Speaker 71 I look like the Duck Dynasty brother got kicked out for doing gay shit. Just

Speaker 109 I don't want to hunt Duck no more, Daddy.

Speaker 71 I want to hunt dick. No, I'm not gay.
I swear.

Speaker 69 I'm getting old.

Speaker 71 My mom was making fun of me. She's like, Blake, you're 40.

Speaker 116 Please turn your fucking hat around.

Speaker 93 And I was like, Mom, I can't.

Speaker 69 Because when I do, I'm starting to look like Forrest Gump.

Speaker 71 You know, just

Speaker 86 I start running.

Speaker 69 I got to shave, dude.

Speaker 71 I got to shave because the women that tend to like this beard also tend to like Oxycotton. It's getting

Speaker 71 a lot of them tweety bird shirts at the gas station bitches. Just

Speaker 71 cookie monster pajama pants and crocs. You know, like.

Speaker 71 You guys know Heather.

Speaker 12 Hell yeah

Speaker 71 Her daddy ain't been right since Dale Earnhardt died like it's get

Speaker 121 I Had a woman recently I was walking down the street she grabbed me by the beard and kissed me

Speaker 93 No, so one of you said

Speaker 69 one of you said whoo no she was bigger than me.

Speaker 125 That's assault dude.

Speaker 12 That's guys.

Speaker 71 I've been Blake Jones.

Speaker 13 Thank you so much Boom another one Blake Jones.

Speaker 57 Welcome to the show Blake.

Speaker 68 Have you been on before?

Speaker 85 Negative.

Speaker 10 Amazing.

Speaker 52 Well, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 8 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 87 About five, six I took a break, but yeah.

Speaker 70 Where at?

Speaker 93 I started in the Bay Area and then just moved to Houston.

Speaker 57 Awesome.

Speaker 21 What made you pick Houston?

Speaker 86 I'm a cloud engineer.

Speaker 121 I got a job.

Speaker 93 I got a job off at Oilfield.

Speaker 58 So you have a real, real job?

Speaker 117 Yeah. Well, I got laid off, but yeah.

Speaker 18 What exact...

Speaker 3 Oh, you're already laid off? Yeah.

Speaker 9 How long ago did that happen?

Speaker 117 Like two weeks ago.

Speaker 58 Two weeks ago. And what exactly is a cloud engineer, you said?

Speaker 3 Well, it's not the weather.

Speaker 93 I'm not Jewish.

Speaker 121 It's...

Speaker 124 It's like a software engineer, but for the cloud.

Speaker 39 Amazing.

Speaker 17 You don't look like you would do that.

Speaker 93 No, dude.

Speaker 121 I stag bodies. I don't know.

Speaker 57 So what made them lay you off two weeks ago?

Speaker 93 They're just cuts.

Speaker 121 We bought marathon oil, and then so they're doing cuts.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 57 And what are you doing to survive? What's the plan?

Speaker 43 You have a specialty, and now two weeks of complete...

Speaker 9 nothingness.

Speaker 93 No, I mean, I'll just get another cloud job.

Speaker 44 Like, there's enough tech.

Speaker 62 It's high demand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 121 There's not not a lot of me uh-huh how long have you been in houston uh about a year and a half have you fallen in love with it yeah oh yeah it's like the bay area of the south it's just like it's got more racism

Speaker 57 okay yeah there's a lot of tech and homeless

Speaker 62 it's not that bad it's the bay area is way worse on the homeless you know they everybody bitches but it's not i know it ain't california we it's it's yeah i'm not gonna get into it

Speaker 73 uh i love it blake what do you do for fun uh i collect sports cards.

Speaker 108 Like what kind?

Speaker 121 Mainly baseball and wrestling.

Speaker 69 They'll sell the best.

Speaker 121 Like I guess it's fun, but it's also like a job.

Speaker 57 Yesterday, just for fun, I typed in to the eBay search engine, just broadly, I just typed in the words O.J. Simpson, just to see what would pop up.

Speaker 53 And,

Speaker 99 well, my buddy...

Speaker 80 Shane Gillis

Speaker 79 took part in the auction.

Speaker 2 They auctioned off a bunch of stuff, and he got so many cool things.

Speaker 24 And it's, I'm honestly jealous of Shane yet again.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he got like all of OJ's old ties and an autographed thing that hung on OJ's wall, autographed by Bill Clinton.

Speaker 74 So it's Bill Clinton and O.J.

Speaker 79 Simpson on the golf course, just two absolute fucking criminals.

Speaker 47 And so I think it's like the coolest thing that he was able to, at an online auction, buy this stuff that belonged to the O.J.

Speaker 51 Simpson estate.

Speaker 78 Anyway, I forget what I was...

Speaker 40 Oh, there's so many fucking OJ cards available.

Speaker 52 Do you have any OJ cards?

Speaker 3 No, no.

Speaker 86 I've got some...

Speaker 93 The Undertaker. I mean, like.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 93 Both murderers, you know. That's how that...

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 75 One of them is not really a murderer.

Speaker 93 That's true, yeah.

Speaker 57 It's written.

Speaker 3 OJ.

Speaker 39 Anyway, I bought an OJ card.

Speaker 74 It came today, and I opened it.

Speaker 2 First thing that happened, I got a paper cut.

Speaker 57 So you know it's a real OJ Simpson card.

Speaker 52 There you go. That's like a

Speaker 90 late-night show joke.

Speaker 3 Paper cut.

Speaker 9 Anyway, I'm moving on.

Speaker 58 Anyway, we're back. Did Jimmy Kimmel live?

Speaker 53 I just want to say that America needs my.

Speaker 3 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 6 Anyway.

Speaker 108 All right.

Speaker 50 That's my Jimmy Kimmel impression.

Speaker 91 We love Don Barris, but Jimmy's gay.

Speaker 9 Anyway,

Speaker 110 Blake, tell us the craziest thing that you've ever had happen to your life.

Speaker 98 The beard, the hair, the skin tone, it tells us that you've seen a lot.

Speaker 90 You seem like the kind of guy that would eat oxycotton candy.

Speaker 93 I mean, I have. Yeah, I just had back surgery, so I was on Oxies.

Speaker 121 That was bad. Yeah.

Speaker 69 Craziest thing.

Speaker 121 I tried to buy an ambulance once.

Speaker 32 Ooh.

Speaker 121 Yeah, when I was getting out of the Marine Corps, me and my buddy tried to get the small business VA loan to buy an ambulance to create a bangbulance.

Speaker 3 Oh yeah,

Speaker 57 that would be different.

Speaker 52 I've never seen a bangbulance.

Speaker 121 Yeah, they denied it.

Speaker 93 It was.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 45 That would have been a smart thing.

Speaker 24 Right? So instead of like a gangbang bus or whatever it is, you pick up the person that needs help and then they get fucked.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 71 Amazing. I mean, I was going to use me, but yeah, we can pick people up, I guess.

Speaker 15 Is that something that you are interested in doing? Are you see yourself having the capabilities and accessories and parts to be a successful porn star? No. I'd imagine the pubes are out of control.

Speaker 121 Fucking bare floors, baby. You know, it's...

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 17 You mean bare B-E-A-R?

Speaker 124 I've growled at pussy before. I don't know.

Speaker 64 I do, too.

Speaker 24 When I see pussy, I go, stay away.

Speaker 99 I'm kidding. I'm straight, Roseanne.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 3 Blake Jones.

Speaker 83 So you're working in Houston.

Speaker 57 How often do you sign up for the show?

Speaker 93 I've been coming like the last month and a half, probably.

Speaker 91 So you make this two and a half, three hour drive

Speaker 93 every Monday.

Speaker 55 Wow.

Speaker 93 Like six, seven weeks in a row now.

Speaker 57 Stop at Bucky's halfway?

Speaker 93 You bastard Bucky.

Speaker 113 God damn right.

Speaker 80 Now let's talk about that, my friend.

Speaker 14 What is your go-to order at Bucky's?

Speaker 90 What did they have you hooked on?

Speaker 121 I like the sliced brisket. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's good. And they got rid of my favorite snack, though.

Speaker 44 They had the cookie dough bites.

Speaker 93 They just got rid of them.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 118 Like, yeah, they're fucking gone, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I actually knew they got rid of their cookie-dough bites when I walked by Redman's place and his flag was flying at half-stack.

Speaker 45 I'm like, what is going on?

Speaker 4 And then I immediately knew Bucky's must have gotten rid of their cookie-dough bites.

Speaker 51 Well, I wish we had horn players here that could fucking...

Speaker 16 I wish I spent $1,500 at night on fucking horn

Speaker 16 you sons of bitches.

Speaker 51 Fucking do something, you fucking goddamn bastards, or I'm calling ice.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 13 There you go. That's what you...

Speaker 99 That's what you...

Speaker 76 Alright, alright, that's enough.

Speaker 10 You keep playing that, I'm going to call ice on you.

Speaker 102 All right.

Speaker 57 It's fun nowadays.

Speaker 19 You really get to use anything. You can get a Mexican to do anything nowadays.

Speaker 25 It's incredible.

Speaker 12 I love it.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 24 Blake, so fucking awesome.

Speaker 57 The momentum of the show is incredible.

Speaker 94 Three in a row.

Speaker 15 Good comedians, and you are that third.

Speaker 14 Here's a big joke book.

Speaker 56 Come back again.

Speaker 89 Sign up again.

Speaker 89 Blake Jones, everybody.

Speaker 92 Blake Jones.

Speaker 14 Blake Jones.

Speaker 15 You know Mike Jones? You know Mike Jones?

Speaker 7 All right.

Speaker 28 Back to the bucket we go. We have the legends.

Speaker 50 How about one more time for Polly and Roseanne hanging out with us?

Speaker 48 What a fucking special treat.

Speaker 17 When I started stand-up 18 and a half years ago, I mean, holy shit, to think that I'd be here with you guys wanting to be on a show like mine, such an honor.

Speaker 48 Incredible.

Speaker 50 I love you. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Eric McVeigh, everybody.
Here Here we go.

Speaker 137 I like to fuck cancer patients.

Speaker 137 Not because they still deserve to get penis, but because I don't have to worry about pulling out.

Speaker 137 All right, now I think this new generation of butt stuffers and ass eaters is doing it wrong. See, when I was growing growing up, it was considered real sexual for a woman to taste herself.

Speaker 137 So after you'd put your dick in her pussy, she'd suck her juices off, right?

Speaker 102 All right.

Speaker 137 Now, personally, I haven't put my dick in the diarrhea dungeon because when I was younger, I concocted this irrational fear that when I pulled out, I'd have a piece of shit corn stuck in my peehole.

Speaker 137 Then I'd have to shoot my way out of that ass with my own pee-pee gun.

Speaker 137 I wonder if that's how the Indian women get their red dots.

Speaker 71 That's my time. I'm Eric.

Speaker 3 Thanks.

Speaker 70 Eric McVay.

Speaker 31 Welcome. Fantastic material.

Speaker 66 Great.

Speaker 31 You know what, can you be my writer, please?

Speaker 60 Eric McVay, welcome to the show.

Speaker 59 This is your first time on, correct?

Speaker 23 Yes, sir.

Speaker 9 Have you been doing stand-up between eight and nine months?

Speaker 137 No, a little less than that. I started a few years ago and I had a bad experience, so I took a break for a while.

Speaker 3 Well, looks like you just had another one.

Speaker 37 So, what was the bad experience from a few years ago?

Speaker 122 It was just a bad experience.

Speaker 46 By the way, take note of how hard Roseanne and Paulie are laughing because the thought of quitting because of a bad experience is hilarious to them.

Speaker 137 Well, I'm from Connecticut, which is real small.

Speaker 102 Ooh. And

Speaker 109 the borders of your state control your destiny.

Speaker 137 So the promoter at the time, the guy that was booking everybody, was just a real sleazeball, and it just gave me a bad taste in my mouth.

Speaker 54 Wow.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 74 Does that mean he came in your mouth?

Speaker 102 No.

Speaker 97 Okay.

Speaker 24 So, you quit comedy because the booker was a sleazeball. Amazing.

Speaker 131 And how long have you been back at it again?

Speaker 137 Just recently. I moved here about eight months ago.
I've only been at it a few months.

Speaker 9 So when I said eight to nine months, how long did you do it the first time?

Speaker 137 Probably about six months.

Speaker 24 About six months.

Speaker 40 And now you've been doing it a few months.

Speaker 110 Let's add that together.

Speaker 46 Because I wrote down, Red Band is a witness to this, I have eight dash nine months.

Speaker 8 And you know how I know you've been doing it eight between eight and nine months total?

Speaker 137 Because you're the man?

Speaker 46 That's what I would say if I wasn't in public right now.

Speaker 49 But I actually know because you came out guns a blazing correct.

Speaker 57 I've been fucking cancer patients.

Speaker 45 You had everybody immediately instead of what someone that has been doing it four months or less would do, which is, how you guys doing, kill Tony?

Speaker 15 And everybody's like, yeah, come on, fuck up.

Speaker 57 Right? Rookie mistake.

Speaker 37 And it's also something that

Speaker 9 a veteran of comedy would do.

Speaker 58 How you guys doing?

Speaker 42 Great. Momentum, momentum, momentum.

Speaker 17 Riding off of that. You didn't do that.

Speaker 8 You came out with the fundamental strong start of cancer patients.

Speaker 76 You had us all bought in on the premise and then it all went downhill from there.

Speaker 37 Do you know that coming inside of cancer patients, first of all, sometimes they survive.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 52 So the premise is a little bit waffled.

Speaker 135 Well, radiation therapy will kill anything that's inside them, Tony.

Speaker 68 Whoa, our senior cancer fucking correspondent, Brian Redband, is here.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 22 Look at that.

Speaker 31 Give it up for Brian Redband. He's our friend.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 23 We figured out how he cheered himself up after Bucky's cookie dough bites went out.

Speaker 17 He started nutting inside of cancer patients.

Speaker 12 All right.

Speaker 49 Eric, what do you do for work?

Speaker 117 I'm a driver for FedEx.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 97 Okay. Very good.

Speaker 53 FedEx.

Speaker 65 I'm never sending anything through FedEx

Speaker 7 or accepting anything through FedEx.

Speaker 31 He just got himself fired, bro.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 52 No, he's gonna.

Speaker 65 Your act was terrifying, actually.

Speaker 65 Very terrifying.

Speaker 137 You gotta go for shock and awe sometimes.

Speaker 18 It is, it is, you have, that's, again, that's, you know, you just gotta be able to finish these big premises if you're gonna go into them.

Speaker 60 You got it, though.

Speaker 23 Which is its own talent.

Speaker 74 Having an eye for a good premise and having the control and performance.

Speaker 65 Punchlines.

Speaker 8 Yes, punchlines are important.

Speaker 16 It's a one-two punch.

Speaker 57 You have the package, but you need to deliver it to the doorstep.

Speaker 2 I like your premise, but where you go, you're taking a long route.

Speaker 68 You're taking too many right turns to save gas or whatever the fuck you guys do.

Speaker 37 Eric, what's your love life like?

Speaker 17 Are you as lonely as you look?

Speaker 137 No, no, no. I'm in a relationship.

Speaker 131 You're in a relationship.

Speaker 56 How long has that been for?

Speaker 70 About a year and a half.

Speaker 96 Okay. What does she do?

Speaker 137 She works at a kid's dentist.

Speaker 108 Aww. Adorable.

Speaker 137 And she talks too much.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 57 When does she talk too much?

Speaker 3 All day.

Speaker 137 Okay. As soon as I get home.

Speaker 57 Wow. What does she talk with you about?

Speaker 118 Just her day.

Speaker 137 Just normal relationship stuff.

Speaker 90 Does she normally complain about the kids or the dentist boss of hers?

Speaker 118 The kids.

Speaker 137 All right. Screaming kids.
Right. She'll send me videos of like kids screaming in the back.

Speaker 32 Sounds like torture.

Speaker 52 Oh, Red Band does that to me sometimes. He'll send me a video of kids screaming in the back.

Speaker 120 Is this the first woman you've ever dated?

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I noticed they talk a lot and they don't have a pee-pee.

Speaker 20 All right.

Speaker 46 Tell us the craziest thing about your life, Eric McVay.

Speaker 24 Something that makes you different than everybody else.

Speaker 83 Something you've seen or done or been part of.

Speaker 42 Perhaps it has to do with your family or something

Speaker 137 uh when i was in high school i ended up working for uh 50 cent curtis jackson as a lifeguard uh

Speaker 45 you were hold on when you say lifeguard do you mean you were his personal like lifeguard for when he's swimming so he threw a party for reverend jesse jackson oh my god now i've already told you that you have unbelievably good premises with no finish.

Speaker 61 This is exactly that.

Speaker 62 Being a lifeguard at the Reverend Jesse Jackson's house,

Speaker 15 hired by 50 cent, is fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 68 So I'm guessing, as everyone here is assuming, that you spent the entire day saving people's lives.

Speaker 7 Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 124 It was the most work I've ever done, ever.

Speaker 137 Every 30 seconds, we were jumping back in the pool.

Speaker 64 Oh, my God. 30 seconds.

Speaker 31 And why is that?

Speaker 12 Oh, well.

Speaker 137 Well, when they start to walk to the deep end, they can't touch anymore.

Speaker 137 So then they start.

Speaker 138 The younger kids.

Speaker 7 Hell. Yeah.

Speaker 40 It's like if Baywatch was on BET or something, right?

Speaker 109 Holy shit.

Speaker 97 Oh my God.

Speaker 19 So really, I mean, it was, there was a lot of work, right?

Speaker 117 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 137 We got paid $100 an hour, though, so it wasn't too bad.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 65 Where do you get the ideas for your jokes?

Speaker 137 Good question.

Speaker 137 Well, I just think of a lot of random stuff, and I just tend to write it down and keep notes.

Speaker 65 But it's all sexually perverse.

Speaker 137 Sometimes.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 57 What's a joke you have that's not sexually perverse? You talked about coming inside of cancer patients and then

Speaker 99 he talked about pulling your dick out and having sh pee-poopy on it or something yeah there was disgusting right yeah there was pee-poopy on it that's not good

Speaker 3 yeah

Speaker 53 yeah

Speaker 90 give us a joke ladies and gentlemen if you got one you have one in mind a single joke for your eight to nine month long career total after you.

Speaker 137 That's not dirty?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 24 That's not sexual.

Speaker 40 It can be dirty, but not sexually perverse roseanne's asking for kino with a single spotlight and here we go

Speaker 57 the pressure is on he's closed one eye to try to force the joke to the front of his brain

Speaker 57 this is real life ladies and gentlemen you can't make it up erica mcveigh trying to summon his one non-sexually perverse joke and here

Speaker 58 we go.

Speaker 64 It's sexually perverse.

Speaker 45 Oh, well then, that's, you could turn the lights back up.

Speaker 32 China.

Speaker 105 Eric, I like your style, though.

Speaker 10 Come back again.

Speaker 17 Here is a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 12 All right, there you go.

Speaker 62 Eric McVay, everybody.

Speaker 59 One more time for Eric, everyone.

Speaker 57 He's still trying to pick up the joke book.

Speaker 12 Eric!

Speaker 57 You have great premises. You have to finish the thing.

Speaker 8 Put the mic back where you found it up there.

Speaker 57 Now turn the little thing out so the KT points to the crowd.

Speaker 3 There you go. There he goes.
Eric.

Speaker 55 McKay, Eric.

Speaker 2 I have a special treat for all of you.

Speaker 50 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 10 The lovely Valerie Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 17 Her and Heidi normally only split duties in sold-out arenas, but here we are.

Speaker 131 The very special episode at the Mothership as they're recording episodes of their podcast.

Speaker 14 I have a special treat for y'all.

Speaker 50 This guy is not a golden ticket winner or a regular, but I just find him to be a compelling, interesting, aesthetically pleasing joke writer and joke teller.

Speaker 83 Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 139 What's with the traffic on I-35 tonight?

Speaker 139 There were more assholes on I-35 than in Ed Gein's lampshade lampshade collection.

Speaker 139 Talking of Ed Geins, my neighbor was arrested yesterday for cutting his wife and kids up with a chainsaw.

Speaker 3 I know, I was appalled.

Speaker 139 I only went to see him last week and asked to borrow a chainsaw.

Speaker 54 He said he didn't own one.

Speaker 3 No one likes a liar,

Speaker 93 Derek.

Speaker 139 What's for the 15 mile per hour school zones in this country? I always floor it to 75 miles per hour.

Speaker 139 There's no way I'm taking a bullet in those fucking war zones.

Speaker 139 I get a lot of hassle for my jokes. I did a dyslexia joke last week and you should see the blowback my neighbors again.

Speaker 139 Thank you. My name's Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 117 You've been wonderful.

Speaker 68 Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 94 Dark premises with punchlines.

Speaker 114 It's almost incredible.

Speaker 15 That's exactly the note from the last comedian and you are living that dream, Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 17 Look at you.

Speaker 74 And you're only slightly paler than Eric McVeigh was.

Speaker 139 Yes, slightly.

Speaker 24 Welcome back, Sir Winston. Remind us all, how long you've been on stand-up?

Speaker 139 Six years, stand-up, ten years in white face.

Speaker 18 Yes.

Speaker 139 I do the white face because blackface is frowned upon.

Speaker 49 That is true.

Speaker 17 It's all the same to D-Madness, though.

Speaker 139 Unless you're Jimmy Kimmel.

Speaker 3 That's true.

Speaker 62 That's true. Another Kimmel reference.

Speaker 57 Jimmy did blackface.

Speaker 90 Guys, so good at fake crying.

Speaker 46 Sir Winston Pickles, let's talk about something we haven't talked about before.

Speaker 42 What is something in your life that we don't haven't found out about you just yet?

Speaker 139 I've had multiple occupations. Coal miner was one of them.

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 117 So you did do blackface away.

Speaker 102 I did do blackface at one point.

Speaker 93 Yes, I did.

Speaker 90 What else? What other jobs did you have?

Speaker 39 Coal miner?

Speaker 139 I've been a sandblaster. I've been a Premier League photographer.

Speaker 57 Wow, a sandblaster.

Speaker 17 That's when you go to the Middle East and fight for our military.

Speaker 87 Fighting for the British military.

Speaker 24 Blast the sand people.

Speaker 2 Lasers.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Amazing.

Speaker 9 So a coal miner, a sandblaster.

Speaker 91 What was the third thing?

Speaker 139 Premier League photographer.

Speaker 7 What is what is what is football?

Speaker 139 Oh, that's right. Premier League.
Soccer in your world.

Speaker 97 That's right.

Speaker 27 Absolutely.

Speaker 76 Amazing.

Speaker 98 And what made you stop being a photographer?

Speaker 139 Licensing laws.

Speaker 62 License in what?

Speaker 139 License in laws. Oh.
Yes, sir.

Speaker 101 Okay.

Speaker 139 People got greedy wanting too much of my money, so I

Speaker 139 build on it.

Speaker 1 Got it. Got it.

Speaker 15 Okay, Sir Winston, how's living in Texas going for you?

Speaker 139 It's cooling off now, which is just as well.

Speaker 45 Is it hard on the hot days with...

Speaker 139 Not as hot as Florida, believe it or not. Right.
Does your makeup run? No, it's waterproof, so.

Speaker 110 Amazing.

Speaker 91 Amazing.

Speaker 98 What else, Sir Winston, pick up?

Speaker 35 How do you wash it off then?

Speaker 15 Actually, I'm getting word that is the smartest question Red Bands ever asked in the history of the show.

Speaker 77 Unbelievable.

Speaker 62 You never know what another episode of Kill Tony will bring.

Speaker 97 Alcohol.

Speaker 110 Yes, alcohol.

Speaker 28 So you have to go all over the head.

Speaker 17 You just like fucking thump it.

Speaker 139 Yeah, and just wipe it away.

Speaker 32 Wow.

Speaker 39 And you do, you go full face every day?

Speaker 8 You take some days off?

Speaker 139 Some days, yeah, I like my skin breathe a little bit.

Speaker 57 What do you do on those days when you're just Winston Pickles?

Speaker 139 Well, I'm trying to avoid all the weird emails I'm getting lately from these clown fetish people who once talked about.

Speaker 19 Ooh, they want to see your pickle.

Speaker 139 Yes, they want to see my pickle.

Speaker 68 Yes, the old Sir Winston.

Speaker 139 They have a mast in numbers now, Tony.

Speaker 67 Absolutely.

Speaker 17 Polly Shorey, you seem like you've

Speaker 15 had experience with clowns in your life.

Speaker 57 What do you think about Sir Winston Pickles?

Speaker 31 Well, I just want to know what he does.

Speaker 31 I mean, you just stand up, but what else do you do?

Speaker 139 Just stand-up.

Speaker 31 That's it? That's it.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 31 You can do other things, too. You can sing like David Bowie.

Speaker 54 No.

Speaker 31 You have a David Bowie voice.

Speaker 93 I have a David Bowie voice.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, a dead one.

Speaker 31 No, it's a beautiful voice.

Speaker 31 People love David Bowie. And have you ever seen that movie Powder?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 31 Yeah, you remind me of the guy from Powder. You could be an actor as well.
There's a lot of things you can do, sin Yo Pico.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 31 You can can go down to the bayou, and you can maybe get some crazy stuff and some ostriches and maybe you can go there and see a whole bunch of things.

Speaker 52 Yes.

Speaker 74 Things that famous in England are bayous and ostriches.

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 80 Your knowledge of the Brits is incredible, Polly.

Speaker 15 I'm going to check in with our...

Speaker 75 the queen, Roseanne Barr.

Speaker 65 I think it's really original what you're doing. I mean, I like the idea of, you know, the clown with really dark jokes.
Well, thank you. I think that's really original.
And

Speaker 65 I like you

Speaker 65 getting really, really dark about serial killers and stuff like that. I think it's...

Speaker 139 Well, my neighbors think I'm a serial killer, so.

Speaker 70 You're what? My neighbors.

Speaker 139 They think I'm a serial killer.

Speaker 60 Yes.

Speaker 28 Without a doubt.

Speaker 19 We still kinda think you might be a serial killer, by the way.

Speaker 80 There's a lot of people that think you're a serial killer.

Speaker 65 I mean, I think you I think it's an intriguing act that you can really work with.

Speaker 65 I mean, I'm intrigued by it.

Speaker 139 Thank you.

Speaker 65 And you have good punchlines with it, too. Yes.
So keep on.

Speaker 97 Yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 65 Get a little bit scarier.

Speaker 17 I agree. I like that note.

Speaker 42 I like it.

Speaker 17 Lean into the darkness a little bit more.

Speaker 65 Lean into it more.

Speaker 39 Your social media is great.

Speaker 17 I follow you on Instagram and your videos, your like daily up, you know, you do these cool one-liners.

Speaker 139 15-minute one-liners, yes.

Speaker 70 Yeah, they're great.

Speaker 68 Is it Sir Winston Pickles?

Speaker 98 Just straight up.

Speaker 57 Instagram, yes.

Speaker 15 On Instagram.

Speaker 62 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 42 Follow him there.

Speaker 15 Thank you, Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 8 A fantastic performance.

Speaker 103 Always

Speaker 11 fun to watch. Red man?

Speaker 135 I'd love to have you on the Secret Show again Thursday. Boo!

Speaker 64 Thursday night.

Speaker 3 You're booked.

Speaker 103 Real show in the city of Austin.

Speaker 50 Kino. Kino's excited about the booking of Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 119 Oh, okay.

Speaker 24 I've been informed that this bucket pool is on the inside.

Speaker 50 It's one of you, ladies and gentlemen. One of you that signed up.
Make some noise for zip, everyone. Zip.
We got inside lights?

Speaker 50 Is that possible? No. Zip.

Speaker 50 Any movement?

Speaker 28 Is that zip?

Speaker 50 Kino, you got inside lights, Kino?

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 106 Alright, okay.

Speaker 82 We got movement.

Speaker 7 Is that zip? Nope.

Speaker 50 That's a guy going pee.

Speaker 8 Now is the funny time to go pee.

Speaker 140 Purina believes no one should have to make the impossible choice between their own safety and their pets.

Speaker 140 But nearly half of domestic abuse survivors delay leaving because they can't bring their pets with them.

Speaker 140 Through the Purple Leash Project, Purina is helping create more pet-friendly domestic violence shelters so survivors and their pets can escape and heal together.

Speaker 140 Visit purina.com/slash purple to learn more.

Speaker 141 Hello, I'm Diane Morgan. If you know who I am, you know who I am.
If you don't, who cares?

Speaker 141 I'm here to explain Italian Time, a holiday phenomenon where Italians throw away their clocks and gather for eternity with San Pellegrino.

Speaker 141 I've been at this party so long that I've eaten five courses, hugged someone's grandma twice, and been offered a job in the family restaurant.

Speaker 141 So this holiday season, make sure to bring enough San Pellegrino to last you through the meal, the aftermeal, and the entire goodbye ritual. San Pellegrino, holiday on Italian time.

Speaker 7 Alright.

Speaker 61 Is uh...

Speaker 119 Let's do something very special then while we go wrangle this next bucket pool.

Speaker 50 You can turn those inside lights off, Kino, as I present to you one of the greatest brand new forces of nature in the Kiltoni universe.

Speaker 76 I mean, oh my goodness, this kid is taking off.

Speaker 50 I present to you, who may be the newest, biggest star of this year. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Timmy Nobrig.

Speaker 50 All right.

Speaker 138 You dumbass retards like impressions.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 138 This is an impression of a generic white guy named Tim Stiefla from San Diego, okay?

Speaker 138 Okay, who likes charades?

Speaker 117 Yes, horny. Okay.

Speaker 117 Horny cocks.

Speaker 137 Okay, there is not enough time.

Speaker 138 It was it was it was horny officer gives Asian girl huge cream pie after deep patience

Speaker 54 Wow

Speaker 138 Just with that was my impression of a generic white guy named Tim Stafford from San Diego and I'm glad I'm not that pussy

Speaker 71 That guy fucking sucks.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 75 The force of nature, the undeniable anomaly.

Speaker 8 Timmy No Breaks is back.

Speaker 15 And we've never seen anything like that before.

Speaker 57 We never thought we'd see an impression of what appears to be just a normal human being.

Speaker 138 Just a boring, sad little Jew.

Speaker 61 Is he a Jew?

Speaker 138 Is that a thing? Yeah, I'm working on him. I made him Jewish.

Speaker 138 And a small, big Jew. I shaved off about four inches of my cock for the character.
One pretty method on it. Yeah.

Speaker 98 Amazing, Timmy.

Speaker 95 I mean an absolute superstar.

Speaker 15 So many trademarks.

Speaker 57 Such a freak.

Speaker 28 People say release the doves.

Speaker 28 He famously.

Speaker 60 He famously, at Madison Square Garden on Netflix.

Speaker 70 Roll the clip.

Speaker 3 Roll the clip.

Speaker 19 Right now.

Speaker 48 There it is.

Speaker 63 A dove fell out of his leather jacket when he came out.

Speaker 28 And then he said, release the doves and opened his jacket.

Speaker 54 And one more dove fell out because a dove accidentally fell out.

Speaker 138 It was intentional, Tone.

Speaker 138 I don't like your tone, Tone.

Speaker 17 Timmy, you know me.

Speaker 39 Nothing but respect.

Speaker 72 Whatever you want, whatever you need.

Speaker 17 You're the only one.

Speaker 138 Whatever I want.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 138 Okay.

Speaker 43 Well,

Speaker 138 I took care of the interview tonight. Here are your scripts.

Speaker 13 Amazing.

Speaker 49 Absolutely perfect.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 26 And then

Speaker 138 this one is for D-Madness.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 138 I'm going to do scene directions. I'll be reading for myself.
Tone, you have the first line.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 51 You are the fastest rising stock in the show.

Speaker 21 Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell the...

Speaker 62 Ugh.

Speaker 52 Actually, I can't do this.

Speaker 17 I need to be honest with everyone.

Speaker 74 I've waited long enough.

Speaker 18 Spotlight.

Speaker 138 A spotlight shines on tone.

Speaker 52 I have AIDS.

Speaker 47 We're good on the spotlight.

Speaker 138 The lighting returns to normal.

Speaker 138 As the rock monster from Fantastic Four strikes a sad tone.

Speaker 138 That's obviously you.

Speaker 138 No, okay, what the fuck?

Speaker 138 Sex man, you're seeing this one. John, these play sad keys.

Speaker 87 Take it, Red Band.

Speaker 120 Wait, you have AIDS?

Speaker 57 I think you're playing yourself in this, by the way.

Speaker 98 Yeah, it's uh

Speaker 22 It's stage four.

Speaker 24 When it's stage four,

Speaker 68 you you turn red.

Speaker 120 There has to be a cure.

Speaker 135 Maybe Joe Rogan has a supplement for it.

Speaker 138 Cone shushes Red Band by gently pressing a single finger to Red Band's lips.

Speaker 2 I already tried Elk Piss.

Speaker 12 Look.

Speaker 15 We knew my promiscuous gay lifestyle would catch up to me sometime.

Speaker 23 You have to let me go, and you have to host this show.

Speaker 142 I don't think I'm ready, Tony.

Speaker 94 Don't think, Red Band.

Speaker 3 Just do.

Speaker 138 The music subsides as a drum roll begins.

Speaker 92 Red...

Speaker 125 Quietly.

Speaker 71 Red Band takes a deep breath.

Speaker 138 preparing to deliver one of the funniest riffs in the show's history.

Speaker 113 Three,

Speaker 113 two,

Speaker 113 one.

Speaker 142 Oh, God, Tony, if you have AIDS, then why does it taste like you have so much more?

Speaker 22 Never mind, Timmy.

Speaker 3 It bombs really hard. Yes.

Speaker 15 Never mind, Timmy.

Speaker 49 You host the show.

Speaker 138 Tone stands, clutches his hands together, and does that weird little thing where he shakes it on either side.

Speaker 50 Then he leaves behind the curtain.

Speaker 3 Timmy takes his spot.

Speaker 3 This

Speaker 55 is

Speaker 3 kill Timmy.

Speaker 138 Heidi, let's get a basket of garlic bread for the table.

Speaker 26 Heidi enters.

Speaker 21 Over overcome with desire, she goes down on Timmy.

Speaker 53 Timmy comes.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 53 Whoa, whoa

Speaker 87 all right we're good on Heidi we got back to the bucket

Speaker 138 you know I got a better idea

Speaker 138 ladies and gentlemen the man I'm about to bring to this take it from the top

Speaker 138 Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage is without a doubt going to have the best minute in the show's history.

Speaker 21 The combination of words words and sounds coming out of his face will change comedy forever.

Speaker 123 There is absolutely no way he won't live up to the hike I am building for him right now.

Speaker 5 He has only appeared on this show 741 times.

Speaker 5 He is the roaster of Rwanda, the Bermuda Bump Boy, the Napoleon of Complex. Some people are saying the next next big thing,

Speaker 5 this

Speaker 5 is Tony's cliff.

Speaker 3 Well, uh

Speaker 3 man, these lights sure are bright.

Speaker 81 How are we doing, Kiltoni audience?

Speaker 138 Not so easy, is it, bitch?

Speaker 38 It was very easy.

Speaker 3 That was a minute for me.

Speaker 138 Okay, let's start the interview.

Speaker 138 Tone, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 138 Oh, this is improvised.

Speaker 81 I've been doing it 18 and a half years.

Speaker 138 18 and a half years.

Speaker 40 Yeah, I started at the comedy store.

Speaker 110 Okay. Moved here five years ago.

Speaker 138 So 18 and a half years, Tone.

Speaker 109 Okay, let's

Speaker 138 do this. I want to hear your best joke in 18 and a half years.
No pressure, Tone.

Speaker 71 Well, let's just see your best joke.

Speaker 89 I'm glad you asked, Timmy.

Speaker 48 And let me tell you, what you've built here is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 19 I gotta say, the opportunities that you give people.

Speaker 138 Here's your small joke book.

Speaker 89 And that's how you catch a small joke book. We can go all day.

Speaker 138 Okay, D, hey, you're lying. You have the final line, D.

Speaker 69 By the way,

Speaker 81 this thing is completely improvised. I had no idea you were going to do this.

Speaker 112 And I had to pee so fucking bad.

Speaker 72 that I went pee.

Speaker 67 And while I was doing it, I actually read that you did write D-Madness's part out.

Speaker 57 Is it okay?

Speaker 117 Can I read that? Yeah, I forgot D doesn't know how to read.

Speaker 138 Yeah, you could take it, Tone. You could take it.

Speaker 94 And I mean, it's real.

Speaker 95 It says D-Madness. You see that?

Speaker 61 Say dig it, cats.

Speaker 16 I'm about to piss my drawers, you feel

Speaker 14 need a righteous brother to haul my black ass to the jaunt quick like

Speaker 16 ah shit too late done baptizing my britches

Speaker 23 hey tone sip dus elf piss might cure the AIDS

Speaker 92 you dig ha just jiving slim type ship

Speaker 26 and Steen okay

Speaker 7 Timmy Newbridge

Speaker 12 good night New Jersey

Speaker 103 Timmy motherfucking no breaks ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 10 I mean

Speaker 65 he told me all he told me is that he was gonna try something crazy tonight and the fucking kid is unbelievable I mean he's the greatest thing in the world that guy just kills me that's he's so great.

Speaker 65 Yep. I've never seen anything like it.

Speaker 83 Full command, full don't you agree?

Speaker 12 Yep.

Speaker 40 And that's exactly how I felt about him since the first time I saw him.

Speaker 70 You know, a lot of people are like, ah, he sounds like dice.

Speaker 23 He's doing dice.

Speaker 2 But it's like, that's a totally different.

Speaker 31 He's doing a retarded version of dice.

Speaker 50 Yeah, and in control.

Speaker 65 Somehow, more even confident version, a super controller of everything, light sound and elements making fun of all show business yes you know which is just so original and so great I mean when I saw that guy I told my son Jake I go

Speaker 65 he's why am I not married to that fucker yeah

Speaker 69 you know you're exactly right somebody making

Speaker 15 fun of show business yeah it's genius he's genius level one of my favorite things I've ever seen him do is at Madison Square Garden he said pop open the roof I want the natural moonlight for this.

Speaker 99 I know it's so genius.

Speaker 65 Nobody's ever gone to that level. Exactly.

Speaker 65 It's like Andy Kaufman shit.

Speaker 53 Exactly.

Speaker 65 I mean, you guys are so lucky that we got to be here with you.

Speaker 98 It's amazing.

Speaker 17 This show, as corny as it sounds, we are lucky because the people that really think

Speaker 8 or that are, you know, that talented to be the next thing.

Speaker 83 I mean, you know, Cam's on fucking SNL every week.

Speaker 65 Isn't that fun?

Speaker 19 He's the reason why people are watching.

Speaker 62 You know, a lot of people are watching that show and whatnot, pulling out the rock and everything, you know, it's a whole thing.

Speaker 47 How about one more time for Timmy No Bricks?

Speaker 103 All right, we're going deep into this episode right now.

Speaker 13 It's a long one, but we're having fun.

Speaker 2 What time do we start?

Speaker 68 Okay, we're gonna meet this person. This looks like a new name.
Make some noise for second coming.

Speaker 91 Is that right?

Speaker 82 Second Kunaming?

Speaker 44 All right, here we go.

Speaker 26 Hello, world.

Speaker 143 If one of you guys get abducted and ask for your leader, come to me. My name is Adam Dies, and I am the second coming.

Speaker 143 Second, if you break it down, say condi, kind of sounds like somebody deceiving somebody about the size of their dick.

Speaker 143 But really, we know second is really second because it's a second unit of measure in an hour.

Speaker 69 There's a minute and there's second

Speaker 143 so when somebody says it's gonna take a second it's implied it's gonna be more than one always kind of like what I told my kids I'd be back in a second

Speaker 143 now I'm in my second week in Austin fucking off with y'all

Speaker 143 and my second year away from them

Speaker 43 I remember way back when

Speaker 143 I was seconds into a sexual session with my ex and she was like, pull out, pull out, pull out.

Speaker 44 And I was like, in a a second,

Speaker 143 now we have a second child.

Speaker 143 I should have about, what, 17? Oh, that's a minute.

Speaker 70 You thought you had for your time. I'm going to cut you off.

Speaker 76 You thought you had 17 seconds left there?

Speaker 57 You're a little fucked up?

Speaker 73 Oh, with time.

Speaker 31 I thought you did pretty good, bro.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Pauli Shore.

Speaker 31 Yeah, I'm the only one I think that got it, which is important.

Speaker 118 Good, good.

Speaker 31 This is good. We could talk after the show.

Speaker 69 Right, I appreciate it.

Speaker 15 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 113 Yes, sir.

Speaker 40 When you say you're a little fucked up with time, what do you mean exactly?

Speaker 143 Oh, I guess I was off 17 seconds in this particular case.

Speaker 75 Yes.

Speaker 57 So

Speaker 37 have you practiced that or something?

Speaker 143 I thought I timed it a little. Yeah, I guess my time was a little off.

Speaker 8 Your time's a little off.

Speaker 91 Interesting.

Speaker 57 What were you going to do with the last 17 seconds?

Speaker 143 I was going to say some bullshit and tell the pet and ask the panel and tell a real joke.

Speaker 44 I was going to say a bunch of horse shit, actually.

Speaker 143 So it worked out.

Speaker 46 Have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 143 no um this is like maybe 50 60 sets over the last year and a half give or take okay so you've been doing it for a year and a half

Speaker 90 a little bit you're an interesting creature right you are

Speaker 143 okay what do you do for work I recently got fired from a restaurant chain okay in Wisconsin what's the chain I'm allowed to say it like that?

Speaker 94 Yeah, if you don't currently work there.

Speaker 143 I used to be a Chili's head. I was at Chili's.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 54 You were working there.

Speaker 16 Chili's line cook. Look.

Speaker 82 Head chef.

Speaker 143 You know what? They put me on the fucking floor toning.

Speaker 69 A waiter?

Speaker 143 I waited tables at 42 years old.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 45 All right.

Speaker 57 I don't think the age really has anything to do with it.

Speaker 2 It's probably the best job at it, Chili's.

Speaker 42 They probably make more than the GM and whatnot.

Speaker 83 Okay.

Speaker 131 So what did you get fired for?

Speaker 17 Having greasy hair?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 143 They started letting me bartend. I served an underager.
What's crazy is I carted carted the person. I looked at the date and I thought it was the date under 21, one issue.

Speaker 130 So if anyone's looking for a bartender, I'm available.

Speaker 143 It was actually a date-issued date. It was so close, and it just kind of made sense.

Speaker 143 I guess my math was a little off, Tony.

Speaker 32 Oh, wow.

Speaker 24 So literally, anybody could have drank at that bar with a Wisconsin ID because the date-issued date would always be before

Speaker 7 you're four years old.

Speaker 21 Who the fuck tries to underage drink at Chili's?

Speaker 117 Anybody. You guys go to.

Speaker 143 to anybody trying would try there that you got you was you Texan Knights are a lot cooler in mine or Ohio ends excuse me okay right now so you still live in Wisconsin I do I do and what are you doing now what's your next big plan well I had a I decided to come down here for a couple weeks and try to get on thank you for the opportunity everybody like holy fucking cow

Speaker 143 I'm here now and I'm gonna go back and try to get a job at the, not as a bartender, at the um

Speaker 143 the improv place in brookfield i was gonna simultaneously practice uh dealing i'm really proficient in cards and things that sort brookfield yeah um adam ray just just uh was there recently

Speaker 7 poor guy

Speaker 39 the late great adam ray he died in brookfield that night no i'm kidding i'm kidding Adam's thriving.

Speaker 46 Okay, well, before I let you go, what's the craziest thing about your life that you've ever seen or done?

Speaker 57 You look like a guy that likes hiding under people's people's beds and scaring them.

Speaker 92 I've saved seven people's lives.

Speaker 69 I mean usually ask if someone's... Wait, let me guess.

Speaker 17 You were a lifeguard at Jesse Jackson's birthday party.

Speaker 52 I was an 50 Cent called you.

Speaker 143 Ambulance rider for sure. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 143 Right place, right time, Tony.

Speaker 62 Like what?

Speaker 2 Give us an example of where you are.

Speaker 143 When I was 15 years old, I saved two children that fell through the ice and risked my life in doing so.

Speaker 143 It was a cool moment.

Speaker 57 Where did they fall through the ice at?

Speaker 130 It was McCarty Park Lagoon in West Dallas, Wisconsin.

Speaker 132 Latinos.

Speaker 143 Were they?

Speaker 57 Were they Latinos?

Speaker 40 ICE has been taking out a lot of Latinos.

Speaker 53 All right.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 19 This is a long show. We're going to keep it moving.

Speaker 2 There goes.

Speaker 2 What is your actual name?

Speaker 143 My name is Adam Dies.

Speaker 76 Adam Dies. Well, there you go.

Speaker 65 And you did.

Speaker 7 Bam.

Speaker 103 Roseanne Barr batting a thousand.

Speaker 24 Unbelievable, the queen-like fucking execution of Roseanne tonight.

Speaker 58 Oh, yeah. Okay, great.

Speaker 24 All right, ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it's been.

Speaker 62 I mean, holy shit.

Speaker 3 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 83 Who could forget the first comedian that came out here absolutely bombing tonight goes by the name of Paulie Shore, ladies and gentlemen, who come so far.

Speaker 73 One of my best friends.

Speaker 17 We're sauna buddies. We're cold plunge buddies.

Speaker 46 I'm friends with his dog, Buster.

Speaker 50 I've been friends with him for 18 and a half years.

Speaker 17 I worship his mother, the late, great Mitzi Shore, who got all of our careers started.

Speaker 48 All of our careers except Red Band. She never started Red Band's career.

Speaker 31 I thought I've laid my heart out for you this evening. Absolutely.
I thought, and that's all I can do. You know what I mean? I don't have the best jokes.

Speaker 31 But I have my heart, and that's what's gotten me where I've gotten. So I love you.

Speaker 95 That's true.

Speaker 12 I love you.

Speaker 39 Brought to you by Blue Chew and ZipRecruiter.

Speaker 111 Those are the actual sponsors.

Speaker 74 And we've had so much fun.

Speaker 45 Somehow she has, and now after this,

Speaker 115 this last couple hours, she is without a doubt making her own running for guest of the year 2025.

Speaker 51 How about one more time for rosean barr

Speaker 19 the rosean barr podcast is out everything roseanne barr follow her worship her bend the knee when you see her that where can we go from here there's only one place to go and that is with the all-time record-setting hall of fame regular

Speaker 3 a man who created writing on note cards

Speaker 9 The strangler of Memphis.

Speaker 3 The gorilla of Vanilla.

Speaker 50 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 100 I saw earlier today, Red Band has a new bumper sticker that says, I'd rather be hijacking you 9 to 93.

Speaker 5 Dude, what does that even fucking mean, Red Band?

Speaker 39 That's the airplane that went into the ground.

Speaker 87 That's such a weird fucking bumper sticker, dude.

Speaker 100 You know why the Pony Express failed?

Speaker 87 The horses formed a union.

Speaker 100 Did y'all see that dateline episode where a prominent housewife was murdered and the husband was having an affair?

Speaker 100 For once, I want to watch an episode where nobody dies and everybody lives happily ever after.

Speaker 129 Dateline, I don't see anybody going on no dates. dates.

Speaker 69 Welp, I got locked in the Abercrombie and Fitz store again.

Speaker 130 Okay, that's my time.

Speaker 132 Thank you.

Speaker 83 William Montgomery.

Speaker 27 Still got that little puppy cut.

Speaker 100 Still got the puppy cut, Tony. And I'm actually really excited.
My favorite video game, there's now a

Speaker 92 ghost of Yote.

Speaker 100 It's the second one of Ghost of Tsushima.

Speaker 132 And Tony, I've been having a wonderful time playing that.

Speaker 70 Wow. Tell us.

Speaker 100 You put 75 hours into it the past

Speaker 2 five days.

Speaker 98 Whoa, that's a lot.

Speaker 100 75 hours in five days, Tony.

Speaker 100 I've been rowing a bunch of the row machine and then playing that.

Speaker 10 Now I have a horrible knot in my back.

Speaker 3 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 15 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 57 So tell us what exactly happens in that video game.

Speaker 17 I don't play video games.

Speaker 100 I'm a Japanese lady, and I roam around the countryside of Japan, and I've been killing a lot of people, and and I get different weapons to upgrade, and it's just such a wonderful time.

Speaker 14 It's a wonderful time.

Speaker 39 In this game, you're a Japanese woman.

Speaker 52 What's your name? Lady.

Speaker 100 Yote.

Speaker 3 Yote.

Speaker 100 Yeah, Yote. And then I can change her outfit all the time.

Speaker 132 So I'm constantly changing her outfit for different scenarios.

Speaker 117 If I'm about to

Speaker 132 attack different people, I see different outfits.

Speaker 90 You get to just.

Speaker 75 Amazing.

Speaker 37 You get to play make-believe, just like

Speaker 24 Phoenix Provocateur.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Amazing.

Speaker 7 Look at everybody.

Speaker 43 Aww.

Speaker 64 A bunch of fucking Texans in here like, aww.

Speaker 2 How could you? It's a joke.

Speaker 69 Tony, that bitch was kind of hot.

Speaker 118 I didn't hear anything.

Speaker 100 The volume was off on the television, so I heard nothing that was said. But yeah, she was pretty attractive.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 99 I'm kidding.

Speaker 37 The volume was off on the television.

Speaker 39 What do you mean?

Speaker 92 I mean, I couldn't hear what y'all were saying, so I didn't.

Speaker 19 Oh, in the green room.

Speaker 92 Yeah, I just saw the pretty lady on the stage.

Speaker 100 I couldn't tell

Speaker 118 what was being said.

Speaker 96 All right. Well, that's good.

Speaker 45 It's good to know that they're shutting off the volume in the green room.

Speaker 16 Who would want to pay attention to the show at all?

Speaker 10 Why would you want to know?

Speaker 118 The fucking clown dude up there.

Speaker 132 He's a real nightmare up there.

Speaker 118 He literally turned the volume off.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 100 Seriously, and I didn't even know what accent he was using, but he was using an accent. I could think he's from England or something.
He's up there. I'm like, dude, I want to watch the show.

Speaker 100 I've been on it for a long time. Let me watch the show.

Speaker 33 And he's like, no, not tonight.

Speaker 93 Wow. Seriously.

Speaker 135 And he looks like a scary fucking clown.

Speaker 132 So it's like horrifying.

Speaker 117 I hate it up there.

Speaker 100 Please tell me can't be up there again.

Speaker 100 I wanted to watch it. It was looking like every, it looked like Demi Nobrigs had a wonderful set.
It's like I can't hear any of it.

Speaker 93 Seriously.

Speaker 15 Insane.

Speaker 57 I've never thought about even asking you about this before.

Speaker 28 You always close the show.

Speaker 78 You always are on the show.

Speaker 18 You're the hardest working man in the history of Kill Tony, except for me, and especially much harder working than Redband.

Speaker 100 Who's he texting right now? Oh, he's on the phone.

Speaker 132 That's real rude, dumbass. What are you doing?

Speaker 90 He's texting postmates right now. He's putting in his order.

Speaker 22 But I've never thought about having the green room report from you because you do get here a bit early.

Speaker 98 What else goes on in that green room, William?

Speaker 63 What else drives you crazy about that green room?

Speaker 132 Oh my gosh, Tony.

Speaker 69 Well, it's weird.

Speaker 100 Liz Splatt is up there tonight with somebody's fucking dog.

Speaker 132 I don't know whose fucking dog it is, but there's there's some big.

Speaker 100 Is that your dog?

Speaker 135 Yeah, that's my dog.

Speaker 117 God, your dog is really bad, Paulie.

Speaker 100 It is shitting all on the floors up there.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 135 Like fucking stage.

Speaker 2 He's shitting all over the stage out here.

Speaker 51 So like father, like son.

Speaker 100 Liz doesn't even have the dog anymore.

Speaker 92 The clown took the dog outside, Paulie.

Speaker 52 Fuck up.

Speaker 53 Whose dog is this?

Speaker 12 It's like it's five charts.

Speaker 117 He took your dog out back.

Speaker 31 What did he do with the dog?

Speaker 69 I don't know. I wasn't with it.

Speaker 28 Don't walk with his fucking ass to the alleyway.

Speaker 31 Don't bring him to Hans Kim, bro. That wouldn't be cool.

Speaker 97 Well, Hans is.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Well, Hans is up there right now.

Speaker 31 First of all, why the fuck didn't you text me back when I asked you to open for me and I got fucking Hans instead, bro?

Speaker 31 This weekend, you fucking... That's the word on the street.

Speaker 70 He's playing that video game.

Speaker 69 I'm sorry.

Speaker 100 I was wondering if you were going to bring that up. It was very rude of me.
I did not respond to this message.

Speaker 31 He's too much of a star now.

Speaker 69 Dude, it's not that. I've just literally, I've been playing that video game and I saw that you're texting.

Speaker 100 I'm in the middle of like changing your outfit up and I'm like, ah, get to this level.

Speaker 31 I just like you so much and I'm so happy for you. Look how good he looks.
He lost all the way from Ozepic.

Speaker 100 I am the Ozeppic poster child.

Speaker 132 It's been wonderful.

Speaker 100 I actually use Manjaro.

Speaker 78 Roseanne Barr, the queen of comedy,

Speaker 8 one of the all-time goats of the art form.

Speaker 15 You've seen the show.

Speaker 17 You've seen William multiple times.

Speaker 90 What do you think of him?

Speaker 65 I love William. He's one of my very favorite comics.
You are so funny and unpredictable, wild. I never seen nothing like you before in my life.

Speaker 65 And you have the best fucking pot in the whole goddamn world.

Speaker 71 Yeah, we need to smoke later. And Roseanne, I'm going to be honest with you.

Speaker 118 I was heartbroken.

Speaker 100 One time you texted me to bring you a joint, and I brought you a joint, and I left it in the mailbox.

Speaker 100 And I was maybe hoping that we'd be able to smoke together, but I was looking through the fence for a while and I was thinking, yeah, this is weird.

Speaker 121 And then I left.

Speaker 12 But I remember.

Speaker 65 I didn't know you wanted to come in and smoke.

Speaker 69 Well, I should have been explicit about that.

Speaker 65 Well, you should have said that you said, I'll just drive it by and leave it in the mailbox. So I thought, oh, he doesn't want to come in and get high with someone.

Speaker 118 Well, next time I'll respond differently.

Speaker 132 I messed up.

Speaker 65 Yeah, you should have said, I'll drop by and come in and smoke it with you, but you said I'll just drop it off. And I'm great because I hate people.

Speaker 65 Anyway, I didn't want to really hang out or any of that shit. I was just in my adult diaper laying there.

Speaker 65 But I love you and I love your pot. I love your comedy.

Speaker 130 Tonight, I have a joint in my pocket right now.

Speaker 65 Fucking A, bitches.

Speaker 48 Let's go.

Speaker 65 But I love your comedy and you know it. You fucking crack me up.
Where you go? Places that only the,

Speaker 65 I don't know, crazy people can go. It is.
And I love that. It is.
I love him.

Speaker 98 Me too.

Speaker 90 He's a wild boy.

Speaker 2 Pauly Short.

Speaker 44 Yeah, so

Speaker 31 the whole thing is pretty fucking cool what Tony's doing here. And in reality, he's giving people breaks.
He came from the streets. Just like...

Speaker 31 No, he was outside fucking homeless for a while. And now look at him.
All the guys, Hans, John, all the people are doing this.

Speaker 117 Who's Sean?

Speaker 26 He's been homeless.

Speaker 16 Who the fuck is John?

Speaker 31 I meant to say

Speaker 31 Ari Maddie.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 31 I'm just saying that you've done this. It's just such a beautiful thing.
You opened for me one time in San Antonio and you had just done this. And I'm like, you got to get off your notes.

Speaker 7 Remember?

Speaker 31 And he used to just always do his notes. And then he finally got rid of his notes.
And he start featuring. And you're headlining everywhere now, and it's beautiful.
So I love to see it.

Speaker 31 Beautiful.

Speaker 70 Yeah, for real.

Speaker 47 William, I mean, what an amazing, amazing time we always have.

Speaker 57 And it's incredible to watch your amazing expansion through the kill tony universe what are some of your favorite outfits to change into in this female role-playing video game oh my gosh tony rattle some off for us there's this one where it looks like a ghost mask

Speaker 118 wow what else that's probably my favorite there's a ghost mask what are some of your least favorite ones

Speaker 129 okay so nice to be here tonight tony oh okay

Speaker 21 you can literally just say anything.

Speaker 15 Say one mellow one so the horn players can do their sad thing that everybody loves.

Speaker 9 And then we'll do one more where it's a big one and then I'll end the fucking show.

Speaker 17 We do this every goddamn week.

Speaker 39 There's an unbelievable clear method.

Speaker 3 Okay, yeah, just do the thing.

Speaker 109 There's like this.

Speaker 3 Just do the thing. Or what are you, Red Bear?

Speaker 122 Okay, there's like a green shirt I like to wear.

Speaker 100 But then also one that looks like a samurai outfit.

Speaker 50 Wow, he's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. The great William Lights Out Montgomery.
What a fun fucking night it's been. The drawing from Ryan Jaeeba is in.

Speaker 35 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew.

Speaker 7 Oh, old school Pauly.

Speaker 135 Vintage Pauly Shore.

Speaker 127 He's gonna be selling that probably autographed after the show down in the lobby.

Speaker 50 There's a bunch of cool Kill Tony merch down there. New Year's Eve still has a couple tickets at the Moody Center and a bunch of other...

Speaker 70 I'm doing a couple fun gigs.

Speaker 50 at stand up TonyHenchcliffe.com Roseanne Barr has the Roseanne Barr podcast and so many amazing things. If you're not following Roseanne on Twitter and Instagram, your feed is boring.

Speaker 7 One of the most compelling, interesting, powerful, hilarious women on planet Earth.

Speaker 50 How loud can this place get one more time for Roseanne Barr?

Speaker 14 Paulie's on tour, PaulyShore.com.

Speaker 82 He's playing Richard Simmons in a movie next year.

Speaker 50 He's got his podcast, Random Rants. How about one more time for the son of Mitzi, a man who bleeds black and red of the comedy store, the great Pauly Shore?

Speaker 50 This episode brought to you by Blue Chew and Zip Recruiter Red Band.

Speaker 35 Check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip.

Speaker 50 Love you guys. We love you guys.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 6 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 144 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 144 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to Sunsetstrippatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 125 Despite wintry conditions and heavy traffic, the holidays have to go on. That's why Mercedes-Benz SUVs come equipped with the latest safety technology to keep your festive plans on track.

Speaker 125 Discover the incredible offers for yourself at the Mercedes-Benz Holiday Love Celebration.

Speaker 134 Life doesn't pause when you're sick. Vaccines against respiratory illnesses can help protect you and give you more playtime with your best friend.

Speaker 134 Depending on age and health status, vaccinations for flu, COVID-19, RSV, or pneumococcal infection may be recommended. Vaccines can help keep you from having a rough time.

Speaker 134 Learn more at cveep.org/slash vaccines dash protect. Brought to you by the American Lung Association and CBEEP, Fighting Infectious Respiratory Disease.