#742 - TIM BUTTERLY + SAM TRIPOLI

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

Speaker 5 this is red man coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony giving up for tony and squad

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Speaker 12 Brian Redband

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Speaker 22 How we doing everybody is everything good?

Speaker 23 We just lost you there.

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Speaker 26 Did you notice that?

Speaker 27 No, you didn't. All right.

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Speaker 29 No, we're good. No,

Speaker 31 don't worry about a thing, Red Band.

Speaker 32 How about a hand for Michael Gonzalez, everybody?

Speaker 16 This is the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And that's D-Madness on the bass guitar.

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Speaker 5 What happened with the audio?

Speaker 41 The audio on Mike One wasn't on upon arrival.

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Speaker 27 Well, well, well, hello there.

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Speaker 44 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 16 Anything can happen.

Speaker 24 This is the greatest live show in the world.

Speaker 53 I pride myself on being an unbelievable booker of guests.

Speaker 55 And this week, it is the motherfucking boys.

Speaker 10 One is

Speaker 55 they're both two of the greatest stand-ups in the world.

Speaker 57 One got my fucking career started at the comedy store 18 and a half years ago by taking me on the road, showing me how the fuck it's done.

Speaker 59 One of my first ever favorite comedians in the world, and he is in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 28 The other one lives in Austin. One of the most powerful comedians moved here.

Speaker 54 We love him.

Speaker 44 Make some fucking noise for the great.

Speaker 61 Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly, everybody.

Speaker 11 Sam Tripoli is back.

Speaker 13 Tim Butterly is back.

Speaker 13 Oh boy.

Speaker 62 Sam Tripoli is on tour.

Speaker 18 The Tinfoil Hat Podcast, the Broken Simulations podcast, the Deep Waters podcast.

Speaker 33 A lot of conspiracy podcasts going on with the great Sam Tripoli. Sam, how are you?

Speaker 8 I'm doing great. I love your sweet voice, brother.

Speaker 66 Thank you.

Speaker 67 Thank you. It's good to be able to hear.

Speaker 68 That's right.

Speaker 27 It's good to hear it.

Speaker 28 How about a hand for the great Tim Butterly, everybody?

Speaker 16 Tim Butterly

Speaker 70 has Dad Meat is his podcast and the Tim Butterly show.

Speaker 71 He's on tour as well. TimButterly.com.
Hi, Tim.

Speaker 9 I'm just playing. It's working.

Speaker 72 I'm just kidding. Don't, hold on.
No, I'm just.

Speaker 9 I thought it would be so funny if Tony had a second bitch meltdown.

Speaker 29 Yes.

Speaker 13 How dare you keen out

Speaker 79 how dare you i wanted to steal that so badly what he said i'm like i'm gonna let him do it that's very sweet of you thank you sam we're gonna have a blast you guys have been on the show numerous times sam was one of the first guests ever on the show 13 and a half years ago tonight over 300 human beings signed up they are crammed in together at a bar next door hoping and praying that their name gets pulled out of this bucket If they do, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 39 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 86 Okay, the joke, guys, I mean, you're all fucking, you're all literally hacks right now.

Speaker 29 By the way, it was on a fucking commercial break.

Speaker 89 Nobody knows what jokes you're fucking making.

Speaker 24 Nobody knows. You're playing for this stupid 250 people instead of 4 million.

Speaker 52 You fucking retards.

Speaker 27 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 13 God.

Speaker 78 I'm on your side.

Speaker 11 Fuck.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 92 You got the sound to get and wrap it up then or spring out the anger of this Hollywood barrel.

Speaker 93 There you go.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 37 I'm going to let this pedophile pick the first name.

Speaker 59 The blatant pedo in the front.

Speaker 41 All right, send it.

Speaker 55 Ooh, a one-word name. That's going to be fun.

Speaker 44 While we go wrangle that comedian, ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the great golden ticket winners.

Speaker 28 Literally what many say, including myself, the greatest Kiltoni golden ticket winner of all time.

Speaker 70 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the super powerful martin phillips everybody and here we go

Speaker 99 on

Speaker 99 Halloween I like to make my own candy the bass out

Speaker 99 because it's creative and it's way easier to put razor blades in.

Speaker 97 Okay.

Speaker 101 I saw this apple juice.

Speaker 99 It was called Adam and Eve Apple Juice. And I was like, not falling for that one.

Speaker 99 Don't break me down with you.

Speaker 99 Okay. Anyway,

Speaker 99 speaking of...

Speaker 99 removing a rib,

Speaker 94 we all know.

Speaker 97 Exactly, we all know.

Speaker 99 I take out a rib. I can suck my own dick.
But

Speaker 99 what I do, I take out another rib so I can eat my own ass.

Speaker 102 You know, like, why?

Speaker 103 Why stop at the dick?

Speaker 97 Keep going. Hey, I want to

Speaker 99 lick my back, you know? And people get frustrated with me. Like, if they're like, hey,

Speaker 99 is your head up your ass?

Speaker 104 And I'm like, I'm trying.

Speaker 97 Give me time.

Speaker 98 okay

Speaker 105 that's it okay

Speaker 16 Martin

Speaker 80 Phillips

Speaker 26 hi Martin what's up how are you today I'm good that's good what's been going on buddy you're making it you're on tour you're out everywhere wobbling around yeah

Speaker 75 from the beginning just waffling

Speaker 99 wobbling around

Speaker 99 what's been going on what are your favorite cities you've been to you know well after a while we all kind of blend together I don't know who's how the same thing, same shit, you know. But,

Speaker 99 you know, I know, first of all, half the shit Ari says didn't happen.

Speaker 99 He's talking about it the other day. Yeah.

Speaker 99 We had our gate

Speaker 99 had been changed.

Speaker 94 So he had to push me in a wheelchair around the airport.

Speaker 99 And of course, Ari is just like, oh, I want to get so much pussy off off of this.

Speaker 27 I was like, save some for me, dude.

Speaker 97 I love it.

Speaker 99 But sometimes I bring my dog with me.

Speaker 94 So if he pushes me in a wheelchair with a dog, we're unstoppable.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 97 That is incredible.

Speaker 33 Sam Tripoli.

Speaker 8 Do you have groupies, dude? Do you have groupies?

Speaker 99 No, not too much.

Speaker 111 But you interested, you interested.

Speaker 8 I want to watch you make love so badly, dude.

Speaker 13 I want to watch him fuck one time.

Speaker 99 I'm so happy somebody wants to watch me fuck.

Speaker 8 I'll pay for it, dude.

Speaker 87 I'll pay for it.

Speaker 8 Who gets a top shelf hooker? I suggest watching you go to town.

Speaker 99 Poor name, Meatie Marty.

Speaker 109 Ooh, Meatie Marty.

Speaker 113 Hello. I'm Hart.

Speaker 57 Well, yeah, what would one expect from watching a sex tape with the great Martin Phillips?

Speaker 75 I don't know.

Speaker 8 How would you describe your rhythm when you make love?

Speaker 13 is it

Speaker 8 broken robot type? What?

Speaker 99 We're just going with that guy

Speaker 97 on the ocean. I don't know.

Speaker 75 Hell yeah. You know?

Speaker 62 It's got to be dynamite pussy.

Speaker 27 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 75 Oh, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 5 He's a human Zybian.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 118 Good deal. For sure.

Speaker 71 Sick.

Speaker 114 What's the longest you've ever lasted while having sexual intercourse with a woman?

Speaker 99 I mean, I've never like timed it.

Speaker 106 You had to give it up ballpark.

Speaker 94 It spelt like an eternity to me.

Speaker 8 Imagine how she feels.

Speaker 68 I love it.

Speaker 29 What else is going on, Martin?

Speaker 27 Tell us about it.

Speaker 99 You know, just chilling and gearing up for Halloween.

Speaker 107 Do you have big Halloween plans?

Speaker 54 That's the one day of the year where everyone walks like a zombie.

Speaker 97 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 99 During the apocalypse, I'll be saved. You know,

Speaker 97 no one else to worry about me. So,

Speaker 99 yeah, but I don't have any plans.

Speaker 99 I'm in town though, so you gotta party.

Speaker 94 Yeah,

Speaker 94 let's go.

Speaker 99 My mom sent me candy, so

Speaker 99 I got my candy already.

Speaker 119 Wow.

Speaker 120 What kind of candy did she send you?

Speaker 27 Oh, man,

Speaker 99 I got my Reese's.

Speaker 94 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 99 Okay,

Speaker 44 so they say there's no wrong way to eat Orees.

Speaker 27 How do you eat Orees?

Speaker 97 No, just

Speaker 99 whole thing in, baby.

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 27 Look at that.

Speaker 83 See, I go edges first.

Speaker 33 I nibble on the edges.

Speaker 36 And then I take the round coin, the perfectly round coin, and I shove it up my ass.

Speaker 75 Oh, okay.

Speaker 39 I shove it up my ass.

Speaker 99 I knew that was how

Speaker 109 you ate it.

Speaker 117 Yes.

Speaker 27 That's

Speaker 8 sober, but I would relapse to do Coke with you. I would love to see.

Speaker 27 Hi, Holly.

Speaker 99 We used to just hang out there. you get we can fuck we can do coke

Speaker 110 hell yeah we can do it all you know

Speaker 12 have you done coke before I actually have

Speaker 99 I have not done coke actually no I have not but you got night is young bro

Speaker 8 listen let's let's

Speaker 8 who is of all the handicapped people who's the best in bed if you could just bang is it the blind person oh it's so that pacific like yeah like well I was gonna say D-Madness.

Speaker 8 He's the handicap person.

Speaker 89 D-Madness is right behind you, by the way.

Speaker 36 He's blind, Sam.

Speaker 31 The guy behind.

Speaker 122 I know when I see blind, black people.

Speaker 8 They're not hard to see. They're always making sure you see them all the time.

Speaker 13 I'm blind.

Speaker 30 They always do do that, don't they?

Speaker 5 What's up with that?

Speaker 75 So

Speaker 123 they're always very seen people.

Speaker 27 That is interesting.

Speaker 99 But the best type of anyhow person?

Speaker 99 That's the question.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 99 Okay. Well,

Speaker 99 first of all,

Speaker 99 with my storage,

Speaker 99 you fucking smash it all the time.

Speaker 73 So me out.

Speaker 99 Deaf people, you don't even have to hear the lady.

Speaker 105 So

Speaker 97 it's probably

Speaker 99 good.

Speaker 125 What about clubbed foot?

Speaker 97 You know,

Speaker 122 you don't really have to use their foot in there.

Speaker 99 And so, yeah, they're probably kind of normal with it.

Speaker 99 I had to do that studies out there.

Speaker 99 It's not like a porn category or anything.

Speaker 21 We want you to.

Speaker 125 We want you to do a study, and next time you come on, we expect a full report.

Speaker 97 Okay, sure.

Speaker 109 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 23 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody.

Speaker 16 He got the party started.

Speaker 16 the undisputed golden ticket

Speaker 61 Tyrant Martin Phillips

Speaker 127 This name is a one-word name.

Speaker 52 It is written in ink over and over and over again if we did a handwriting study on what this person is going to be like I can tell you I've been doing this job a long time

Speaker 44 a long time I pull a name out and I see the handwriting the fucking energy of this this should be interesting make some noise everyone for stevie stevie

Speaker 131 pattia beach thailand i'm standing out in the front of the girls go-go club and i can't wait to go inside here's what i saw first girl comes out completely naked had really great chest hair though and has one of them big fat magic markers slips it into her woo-woo squats down and wiggles out welcome us denver Next girl comes out completely naked, makes her way over to my table and just using her meat curtain blows the candle out of my table.

Speaker 133 Then she takes a whistle out of her hair, puts it down on her giner box, and bangs out the Marine Corps M.

Speaker 134 And if that wasn't enough, she gets a whole pack of smokes going and you guessed it, her Vijay J.

Speaker 124 Blew, the sexiest pussy smoke rings I've ever seen.

Speaker 133 Next girl comes out, takes turns landing ping pong balls into each of our drinks using just a juicy canning and the shoot reload technique.

Speaker 133 Next girl, I swear she had to have lip burns because she pulled like 40 yards yards of rainbow color yarn out of her Thai pinochia as her friend ran it around all the stripper balls.

Speaker 104 Oh, and Olympics, oh

Speaker 130 I didn't even get to the banana or the darts. Thank you so much.

Speaker 117 Woo!

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 88 Somehow, exactly one minute.

Speaker 88 Oh my god, Stevie, welcome.

Speaker 114 This is your first time on the show, correct?

Speaker 134 Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Speaker 33 Nice to see you, pal.

Speaker 29 How long you been doing comedy?

Speaker 134 Since the fourth grade.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 30 Very good.

Speaker 134 My mom had to come and sit behind me in school so I wouldn't be like, hey, look at me.

Speaker 75 I'm funny. Ha ha ha ha.

Speaker 13 So, sorry about that.

Speaker 8 It's been a week. I know you have a Coke problem.

Speaker 75 Well, yeah.

Speaker 134 She got me a shirt that says woken Coke, so I love that shirt.

Speaker 135 Did she really?

Speaker 134 Yeah, no, I just made that up on the spot.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 107 Good, Stevie. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 134 Stand-up comedy, about three years.

Speaker 67 Three years. All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 134 No, I started out in Arizona after some people tried to rob my place. I ended up talking them out of robbing my place and made them laugh.
We ate pizza, smoked a bunch of pot. It was great.

Speaker 135 Is that true?

Speaker 27 Yeah, that actually.

Speaker 123 Explain to us exactly what happened.

Speaker 28 It's the middle of the night, day.

Speaker 35 What is it?

Speaker 124 All right, so here we go.

Speaker 67 By the way, Stevie is soaking wet, by the way.

Speaker 24 For those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps you're getting some work done and just playing it in the background.

Speaker 136 His upper lip is drenched.

Speaker 45 His face is retaining the weight of the water.

Speaker 26 It appears as though there's so much toxicity in his sweat that it's not respecting gravity whatsoever.

Speaker 18 Somehow it's accumulating in a pile as if though he's laying horizontally.

Speaker 56 This is incredible.

Speaker 37 Tim Butterly, you got a closer look at that sweat.

Speaker 49 Can you describe it for the people?

Speaker 9 There's an almost imperceptible twitch on the upper lip.

Speaker 9 That is probably the most frightening part of the entire ensemble.

Speaker 82 You're completely lacquered in layers of moisture right now.

Speaker 87 It is layers.

Speaker 124 How do you spell ensemble?

Speaker 134 I mean, that's like a grown-up third-grade word, right?

Speaker 8 Bro, you look like both ice and the illegal.

Speaker 13 That's paying.

Speaker 13 I'm here to get you.

Speaker 10 Here we go.

Speaker 132 Triple E. One Mexican, two Mexican, three.

Speaker 134 Wait, sorry, I did that wrong.

Speaker 131 Uno dos, threat.

Speaker 109 All right.

Speaker 71 So, Stevie, go ahead, and now is the time to tell us about the robbery in which you made friends with the people.

Speaker 134 All right, so I'm sitting at home. It must be about 1:30 in the morning, and I'm watching porn because that's what I do.
I love myself, some porn.

Speaker 131 And all of a sudden, my porn goes out.

Speaker 124 Oh, what the hell?

Speaker 134 So this is Arizona, and I know that everything's hot outside, so I'll go outside to where it's like 140 degrees. And there's a person standing on my workbench ripping off my TV.

Speaker 124 And I'm like, whoa.

Speaker 134 So I flip the light on. She turns around and looks at me and she goes, oh, shit.
So I'll say, wait, hold on. Let me get my dogs secured.

Speaker 134 And once I got them secured, I went ahead and got her down and then her man started beating on the garage and I was like whoa tell your man I'm not calling the cops just be cool just be cool so what color are these people

Speaker 4 I believe it's my understanding you're not allowed to ask me about that anymore okay Stevie very funny answer the fucking question

Speaker 134 They were both of Latino descent.

Speaker 71 Okay, very good.

Speaker 141 All right.

Speaker 19 Go ahead.

Speaker 132 All right.

Speaker 133 So once I open up the garage, he comes in.

Speaker 134 He's mattered shit, ready to beat my ass. And I look at her and I look at him.
And they're like, okay, what are we going to do? It's like, I'm not going to call the cops. Are you guys hungry?

Speaker 124 And looked at me and said, yeah, we're hungry.

Speaker 130 So I got pizza.

Speaker 134 I just finished cooking it. Let's grab the pizza.
I bring the pizza out, slam it down, and he goes to town. He eats like three pieces, and she eats one piece.
Then they both start crying.

Speaker 134 And then I have to start, you know, telling stories about Thailand again to get them to laugh.

Speaker 112 Why were they crying?

Speaker 134 Because they felt bad. They were in my place ripping off my shit.

Speaker 8 And they had to hear your comedy, right yeah

Speaker 75 they're actually wiping his sweat out of their eyes

Speaker 8 well it was 120 degrees out sorry how do you describe your comedy in one word what would you well two words maybe actually a hundred

Speaker 8 wet and loud I call it fast forward. That's what your comedy is, fast forward.
You're doing 10 minutes in a minute.

Speaker 10 I love it.

Speaker 124 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 100 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 125 Thank you.

Speaker 19 Okay, Stevie,

Speaker 24 what do you do for a living exactly?

Speaker 134 What I am is I'm into race cars. So I find myself going to different race car crews at different race.

Speaker 134 Uh-huh. I find myself going to different race teams for different racing events, and I help them do stuff for the car.

Speaker 21 So wait,

Speaker 85 what the fuck do you mean? What exactly do you do in the race world?

Speaker 37 What's your job?

Speaker 13 Math.

Speaker 8 That's what he does. He deals math.

Speaker 37 What's the exact job?

Speaker 69 I can say it.

Speaker 48 Stevie, stick stick with me here.

Speaker 43 What's your job?

Speaker 45 How do you make money?

Speaker 134 All right, so on the weekends, when there is a race, it's about two, maybe three.

Speaker 24 All right, Red Band, that's enough of a tense game show music. Go ahead.

Speaker 134 About

Speaker 134 two or three races a month is about what I get to pull off and is go and set up their t-shirts and shit and the canopy.

Speaker 54 There it is.

Speaker 137 You do merch for race car drivers.

Speaker 134 That's a great way to put it, yes, sir.

Speaker 27 Yes, it is.

Speaker 61 It's the title of the job.

Speaker 106 I love it.

Speaker 86 I love it.

Speaker 28 And you're able to survive off doing that.

Speaker 68 Yes. How do you survive off doing that?

Speaker 134 It's just me. There's nobody else in the family.
It's just me.

Speaker 81 So what happens?

Speaker 120 Have you ever been married before?

Speaker 10 I was.

Speaker 131 I was.

Speaker 124 It didn't work very good because I'm bad at relationships.

Speaker 123 Explain to us exactly what went wrong in my life.

Speaker 2 I talked way too fast.

Speaker 142 Okay.

Speaker 130 She didn't get half the stuff I wanted when we were having sex. I was like, no, here, now.
Hit the way that leg this way.

Speaker 94 All right. Up.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 134 And she didn't like that. She wanted something slow.

Speaker 20 Did you ever once just make love to her?

Speaker 134 I think twice.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 8 Did you ever try not talking?

Speaker 124 That's why I'm alone, big brother.

Speaker 33 Wow, you're so scary.

Speaker 114 Stevie, what do you do for fun when you're not working in the race world?

Speaker 37 What's a fun fact about Stevie that would surprise us all?

Speaker 134 There's three things that I love. I love me some

Speaker 134 dogs.

Speaker 130 I love me some remote control crap.

Speaker 134 And I love me a 50-year-old woman who smokes and hates men.

Speaker 89 Wow. Stevie, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 61 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 16 Stevie.

Speaker 73 Yes, sir. Yeah.

Speaker 71 What's one more crazy fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you?

Speaker 122 I fought wildfire.

Speaker 125 You fought wildfire?

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 145 Just one?

Speaker 2 No, I got...

Speaker 134 I got to spend some time on a hot shot crew and actually run around the nation fighting wildfire.

Speaker 122 They hung him from a helicopter and wrung him out.

Speaker 106 The great Tim Butterly, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 16 Stevie up here. Here it comes.

Speaker 17 It's a little joke book, buddy.

Speaker 139 Thank you, thank you. There he goes.

Speaker 16 Stevie, everyone.

Speaker 118 There he goes.

Speaker 24 Stevie. I knew he was going to be wild.

Speaker 16 Oh, the great Heidi.

Speaker 88 Let me just remind everyone that I kind of guessed that.

Speaker 24 If you remember me saying he wrote his name a thousand times over itself, I mean that is literally he is that handwriting.

Speaker 23 You see what I was saying?

Speaker 63 Fucking crazy.

Speaker 112 You see that?

Speaker 63 How manic is that?

Speaker 8 That's ransom font, right?

Speaker 27 Yeah, exactly. Well, well, well.

Speaker 45 Hello there.

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Speaker 28 All right, everybody, your next bucket pull.

Speaker 129 We're gonna meet her all together, make some noise for Annie Titcher or teacher, perhaps.

Speaker 151 I've uh I've been dating, and it's been pretty bad.

Speaker 151 I'm not gay, but I'm getting there.

Speaker 151 I just seem to like the worst guys.

Speaker 151 I feel like this is a good example. The last guy I dated, one time I was over at his house, I fell down the stairs, and he shushed me.

Speaker 151 And I know, I know what you're thinking. Wow, you were dating someone with a two-story home.

Speaker 151 I messed up.

Speaker 151 But dating is confusing. I'll go on a date and end up texting him: hey, we can't get to know each other if you don't come back from the bathroom.

Speaker 151 And I am done telling these guys.

Speaker 99 Okay.

Speaker 151 I am done telling these guys that I do comedy, okay? I'm done. They're always like, oh, no way, are you funny? And I'm like.

Speaker 93 Okay, Annie, we're going to cut you out there.

Speaker 24 Sorry, we had some audio issues there.

Speaker 4 Red band.

Speaker 8 She's a victim of domestic violence. She shouldn't have done that.

Speaker 18 Annie, that was a fantastic set.

Speaker 33 Congratulations.

Speaker 89 How about another hand for Annie?

Speaker 73 Great stuff.

Speaker 16 I remember you. You've been on this show before, and it was very, very, very much fun.

Speaker 71 You had a couple very viral moments, and I remember them well because they pop up and I see them sometimes.

Speaker 79 You famously,

Speaker 71 I identified you as one of the whitest white women in the history of the show.

Speaker 24 And I said, what is the blackest thing about you?

Speaker 151 And you answered, I shop at Ross.

Speaker 145 And

Speaker 127 the clips, I mean, the crowd went wild.

Speaker 81 It was a whole thing.

Speaker 85 I think I asked you another one, too, right?

Speaker 20 What was it?

Speaker 151 Most Latina.

Speaker 85 The most Latina thing about you.

Speaker 33 And what was that answer?

Speaker 151 I draw my eyebrows on.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 23 Just honest and amazing.

Speaker 125 Absolutely perfect.

Speaker 62 How's comedy been going for you, Annie?

Speaker 151 It's been going well. I'm enjoying it, and

Speaker 151 it's been great.

Speaker 26 You live here in Austin.

Speaker 107 How do you make money?

Speaker 151 I am a golf professional at a country club in the suburbs.

Speaker 36 Oh, amazing.

Speaker 33 That's right. Incredible.

Speaker 28 Anything crazy happened at the golf course lately?

Speaker 26 Any wildly racist moments or anything?

Speaker 151 Nothing overtly racist.

Speaker 151 I saw somebody fall backwards. You're a golfer, right? Yep.
So he had had one foot out of the bunker, one foot in. There was a hill behind him.
He was trying to get out of the bunker. Yeah.
Exactly.

Speaker 151 And he

Speaker 151 whiffed the shot and he fell backwards down the hill.

Speaker 84 Amazing.

Speaker 152 I love it.

Speaker 39 Did you tell him, shh?

Speaker 21 Annie, you're so cool.

Speaker 14 How's dating life in real life?

Speaker 68 You're actually single?

Speaker 62 Why do you you think you have a problem getting a man?

Speaker 76 Boy.

Speaker 85 What's the last date you went on?

Speaker 44 When was that?

Speaker 151 That was in January.

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 123 And what exactly did you do in January?

Speaker 123 How did you meet this guy?

Speaker 151 We met on Hinge.

Speaker 147 Okay.

Speaker 151 And...

Speaker 81 And what did he do?

Speaker 120 He took you to a restaurant or something?

Speaker 151 We got drinks, and

Speaker 151 pretty bored.

Speaker 95 Okay, why exactly were you bored?

Speaker 40 What is that noise?

Speaker 26 Stop that.

Speaker 154 Whoever's doing that.

Speaker 151 I just, it was,

Speaker 151 he, it was just him telling me about

Speaker 75 him.

Speaker 151 And then I was there to kind of listen to it.

Speaker 33 Yeah, what was he telling you?

Speaker 151 That he, um, he's thinking about getting a dog.

Speaker 38 And

Speaker 38 was his name Stevie?

Speaker 98 No.

Speaker 95 Okay, good.

Speaker 14 So how'd the date end?

Speaker 151 I said,

Speaker 151 thank you.

Speaker 117 Amazing.

Speaker 32 Amazing.

Speaker 20 So, you know, are you content being alone?

Speaker 29 Do you like being alone?

Speaker 151 Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 28 What do you do to kill the time?

Speaker 33 How do you,

Speaker 20 you make like homemade candles or something like that?

Speaker 94 Yes, yes.

Speaker 151 It's very sad. and uh i do it yeah just me and the

Speaker 151 wax and no what do you really how do you really what do you really okay so um yeah i uh you know i i i work and i i just do comedy i've been

Speaker 151 doing this as much as i can

Speaker 75 nice when you go on a date do you have like different eyebrows like sexy like like like ones up like the verizon logo you know come on red band why would you do that this is an innocent woman and i don't know why you would offend her like that Do you do wacky things with your eyebrows?

Speaker 151 Yeah, it depends on who I'm going out with.

Speaker 44 You do excited ones sometimes so that you sound interested when the guy's telling you that he's thinking about getting a dog.

Speaker 35 You're just like, yeah.

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 76 I want to know.

Speaker 8 One just up where it always looks like you're questioning them.

Speaker 151 Do you ever do that where you're just like, hmm, that comes naturally?

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Sam's Armenian, so if you went on a date with him, you could just take a sharpie and just go one big line across.

Speaker 27 I love it.

Speaker 44 Annie, I found your set to be incredible.

Speaker 81 So incredible.

Speaker 62 Have you been on the mic here?

Speaker 44 Is Adam the booker here seeing you?

Speaker 151 I went on the open mic last week and I got called back and I just did it before this.

Speaker 10 Perfect.

Speaker 44 So everything's happening exactly as I think it should be going.

Speaker 157 This is correct.

Speaker 16 Adam has good taste. You're good enough for Adam to like you.
What's the longest set you've done?

Speaker 151 20 minutes.

Speaker 81 Red band?

Speaker 56 I'd love to have you on the secret secret show Thursday. Boom.

Speaker 16 And you already have a big chokebook, right, Annie?

Speaker 16 You already have one of these, right?

Speaker 28 Boom.

Speaker 88 There goes Annie Titcher, everyone.

Speaker 16 That could be one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 75 That's how it works.

Speaker 121 They're coming here to Austin. It's all happening.

Speaker 44 Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 67 Could be the next superstar.

Speaker 55 Could be an insane person.

Speaker 61 It's Rise James Carmen, everybody.

Speaker 159 Usually it's only the fucking Asians that fuck my name up. My name's Reese.

Speaker 94 Anyway,

Speaker 159 thanks for being here, guys. But by the way, Austin, Texas, what the fuck's going on? I'm Australian.
If you don't know, I'm not fucking British.

Speaker 94 Anybody? Yep.

Speaker 159 So I first get into America, right? I get into fucking Dallas, get into fucking Austin. I get picked up by a fucking Waymo.
Those driverless fucking cars.

Speaker 111 You seen those?

Speaker 159 I don't want to fucking get picked up by a Waymo. I want to get picked up by a Mexican with a cracked window.

Speaker 159 Your homeless people out here are fucking pretty wild. I mean,

Speaker 159 I'm in fucking Melbourne, right? Melbourne's got a lot of homeless people. Your homeless people are very specific.

Speaker 159 I got asked for 54 cents.

Speaker 159 I had to do the conversion of my hair to worked out to be about $1.30.

Speaker 159 That's about 30 cents over my empathy budget, bro.

Speaker 159 And that's, I think, about all I got because I did not think i was gonna get picked tonight motherfucker

Speaker 159 i was doing fucking shots next door in fucking shakespeare so

Speaker 109 all right

Speaker 39 eight cuss words in 60 seconds from that's reese is that what you're saying yeah

Speaker 159 spell it r-double e-c-e or r-h-y-s yeah well why do you spell it r h y s well i don't know if you know how uh your names get fucking made tony but my mom gave it to me yeah but you get mad every time somebody doesn't call that reese even though it literally isn't spelled like the name Reese at all.

Speaker 153 It's Welsh.

Speaker 159 Do you know where Wales is?

Speaker 112 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 20 Yeah, why are you asking me fucking you're going to have a little attitude, huh?

Speaker 17 I got a fucking attitude.

Speaker 18 Those fucking mandatory COVID boosters got you confident, huh?

Speaker 14 Wow, look at you coming in.

Speaker 75 Oh, my name's Voggen Reese.

Speaker 103 You're in here. Normally it's an Asian to call me that.
I want a Voggin this and a that.

Speaker 81 Fucking this and I'm fucking that.

Speaker 159 It's the testosterone, bro.

Speaker 30 You're on testosterone?

Speaker 159 I'm not, but I've got a lot of it.

Speaker 27 Okay, all right.

Speaker 21 I guess so.

Speaker 125 Okay, so Reese,

Speaker 28 where exactly are you from?

Speaker 159 I'm from Melbourne, Australia, man. Thank you very much for this opportunity.
This is really sick. I did not think this was going to happen.
My girlfriend's backstage with me said, love you.

Speaker 141 Fuck, this is sick. Okay,

Speaker 18 that's a lot nicer. You're dialing back a little bit.

Speaker 14 You're appreciative for the moment that I gave you.

Speaker 159 I had to come out with a lot of energy because I was freaking out, bro.

Speaker 21 You're doing good.

Speaker 37 You're doing good. So tell us about your life.

Speaker 33 How long have you been doing stand-ups?

Speaker 159 Six months.

Speaker 18 Six months. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 159 I think seven, maybe now. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 90 Any day now. It's going to be seven.

Speaker 27 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 55 What do you do for a living, Reese?

Speaker 159 I'm in sales. I'm a recruiter.
I think you guys call them headhunters here.

Speaker 81 Hey, recruiter.

Speaker 75 Yo. All right.

Speaker 64 What are you recruiting exactly?

Speaker 159 I work in finance, bro. I work for like a pretty, I work for a great company, actually.
I don't know if I should plug them because they don't pay me enough for that.

Speaker 159 But they're a great company. And shout out to Low Market Elevate.

Speaker 80 what a plug it was.

Speaker 161 Tim Butterly.

Speaker 159 They'll love it. You can't understand a single word I'm fucking saying, can you?

Speaker 27 No, not one.

Speaker 58 But if we could get the phonetic spelling of that company and look up their reviews, I think that might be nice.

Speaker 110 Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 159 Great company.

Speaker 122 Is it really?

Speaker 159 Yeah, well, I'm, mate, I've just taken three weeks off to go like here.

Speaker 159 Actually, we accidentally booked at the same time as the Grand Prix.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 159 And I wanted to come specifically to Austin to do comedy and to go to the mothership. And this is the most expensive trip ever, but it's so good.

Speaker 159 And they gave me like, I've got good time off, good people, good support. So, yeah.

Speaker 136 Okay.

Speaker 44 How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours?

Speaker 159 We've been together for a year.

Speaker 136 Okay, does she do stand-up too?

Speaker 159 No, she doesn't. She just has to listen to my bullshit every fucking day.
Right. What does she do? She's actually,

Speaker 159 she manages a really good gym. She's a big dog.
Yeah, she's actually on the screens at BFTs

Speaker 159 around the world, internationally. And we went to the one in the Grove maybe this morning.

Speaker 111 I don't know.

Speaker 8 Did you describe your girlfriend as a big dog?

Speaker 102 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 159 Yeah.

Speaker 101 She's Croatian and jacked, bro. Yeah, she's jacked.

Speaker 49 Is she really jacked?

Speaker 159 Yeah, she's fucking got 14% body fat, bro.

Speaker 70 Is she really backstage right now?

Speaker 21 Yeah, can we get her right there? Yeah, let's get her out of here.

Speaker 74 Let's get her out.

Speaker 97 Laura, let's.

Speaker 16 Let's get her out of here. What's her name?

Speaker 17 Laura Matatech.

Speaker 159 Laura Matotech.

Speaker 88 Laura Mattech.

Speaker 159 Laura Mattech.

Speaker 31 Laura Matlak.

Speaker 108 Laura Matotech.

Speaker 161 All right, send her out.

Speaker 81 Yes, this is going to be.

Speaker 28 Have her sign a waiver.

Speaker 68 Yep, send her out.

Speaker 18 These Australians are desperately.

Speaker 8 Get proposed right now.

Speaker 68 Proposed.

Speaker 8 Just get on your knee.

Speaker 159 You fucked it.

Speaker 8 You fucked it. Yeah, you yelled at Tony.
I'm fighting back.

Speaker 27 She doesn't know.

Speaker 159 Let's do this.

Speaker 81 She doesn't know.

Speaker 68 Let's do it. It's going to be the...

Speaker 8 Get on your knees. Just fake it.

Speaker 8 And then she'll hate you too.

Speaker 81 Hold on.

Speaker 17 Play cool. I just heard the door close.

Speaker 33 I heard the door close.

Speaker 140 She's going to come.

Speaker 159 I don't think we should do this.

Speaker 30 Paties and shit. Make mom.
Make mom.

Speaker 108 My mom's going to hate me for this.

Speaker 29 What's her name again?

Speaker 13 Laura.

Speaker 27 Laura. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Where is she right now, Australia? Where is she? I don't know, bro.

Speaker 103 Fucking next door.

Speaker 118 We've been okay.

Speaker 88 All right, Red Band.

Speaker 118 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 72 I didn't even hear that.

Speaker 159 Red Band's got no chance with that anyway.

Speaker 120 So all right, ladies and gentlemen, makes what's her name again? My name?

Speaker 63 No.

Speaker 159 Her name or my name? Yeah. I'm confused.
Race, I'm Race. Her name's Laura.

Speaker 44 All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Laura.

Speaker 27 Laura!

Speaker 27 Sora!

Speaker 145 What's going on?

Speaker 108 She doesn't want to come up?

Speaker 23 She's next door.

Speaker 162 Oh.

Speaker 75 Oh.

Speaker 33 Oh, it's okay. You said she's backstage.

Speaker 159 Actually, apparently, if you get an Aussie to do a shoey, it's like a major thing, yeah?

Speaker 86 All right, Reese.

Speaker 135 No.

Speaker 159 Don't do one.

Speaker 90 You want to do one?

Speaker 101 I'll do a fucking shoe.

Speaker 24 I don't give a shit. All right, let's do a shoey.

Speaker 139 You got a beer? Yeah, give me a beer.

Speaker 58 All right, we we need a beer.

Speaker 139 You got a beer back there, Heidi?

Speaker 159 Has anyone, has any Aussie done a shoey on you?

Speaker 90 Yeah, like 10 times.

Speaker 70 No, let's not do it.

Speaker 62 Let's not do it. No, I know.
I want to do it now.

Speaker 89 I want to make you drink a beer out of your fucking shoe.

Speaker 162 Whoa.

Speaker 16 It's the big dog, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 110 Whoa.

Speaker 106 Look at this happy couple.

Speaker 27 My goodness.

Speaker 159 I don't know how we manifested this. This is crazy.

Speaker 109 Oh, God.

Speaker 70 You didn't manifest anything.

Speaker 24 My random curiosity.

Speaker 49 You said that she was built like a brick house or whatever.

Speaker 82 She's gone.

Speaker 6 Is that cool?

Speaker 9 You were describing a muscle mommy.

Speaker 8 Yeah, you got called

Speaker 8 me, huh? 40% body fat.

Speaker 72 What is he said about me while I'm not here?

Speaker 32 Can you flex for us?

Speaker 90 Wait, what do I want you to flex?

Speaker 163 What do you got?

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 75 Let's see that fucking cock.

Speaker 73 Am I right?

Speaker 16 All right, I missed it.

Speaker 45 That was quick.

Speaker 90 Alright, we got a beer. Come on, Heidi.

Speaker 165 Yeah, I've got to do a Shoey, babe.

Speaker 90 I gotta do a Shoey now.

Speaker 166 Hey, babe, I got myself in a bit of a predicament.

Speaker 163 I gotta do a Shoey, and

Speaker 98 the name's Reese, not Russ.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 113 I heard tits real.

Speaker 161 What? I heard it.

Speaker 14 Yeah, her tits are real and the place is made out of cotton candy.

Speaker 17 Do the fucking shoey, bro.

Speaker 69 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 103 I hurt it's real. I've never seen seen anything quite like that before.

Speaker 98 He's running out of plate shoe.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 16 Representing Australia.

Speaker 120 That's what they're famous for, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 70 For those of you that don't know, that is their contribution to planet Earth.

Speaker 90 Drinking a beer out of a shoe.

Speaker 159 That's my second shoey. My first shoey was last night at Shakespeare's.

Speaker 135 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 91 Look at that. Wow.

Speaker 10 We need new shoes.

Speaker 8 Now, you can call your girlfriend cunt and she laughs, right? Is that how it depends?

Speaker 76 Hang on.

Speaker 8 Oh, you're cunt.

Speaker 159 This is like an education about Australia. So, like, you need to, it's how you deliver it, and it's your facial expression.

Speaker 8 Show me good, then show me bad.

Speaker 159 All right, so Tony, you're a fucking cunt.

Speaker 99 That's good? Yeah, no, it's bad. Okay.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 159 And then you go, and then you go, babe, you're fucking a hot cunt.

Speaker 108 You know?

Speaker 70 All right, I'm kind of sick of you guys.

Speaker 159 Is it because you haven't found love yet?

Speaker 153 I'm going to throw two little joke books at the same time.

Speaker 70 Let's see if you guys can catch them.

Speaker 62 Ready? One, two, three.

Speaker 11 Crockett.

Speaker 155 Count it.

Speaker 13 that counts

Speaker 157 all right there he goes wreath james carmen congratulations

Speaker 109 to the australian couple that really gave us no interesting content of any kind that interview was what i call bad um but we did our best heidi ended up having bigger muscles and tits than his girlfriend

Speaker 18 The muscles are real

Speaker 14 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Danny Yang, everybody.

Speaker 27 We're going to meet Danny Yang right now here on Hillto.

Speaker 165 Hey, people, what's up, man?

Speaker 164 How's it going?

Speaker 164 All right, awesome, man. You know, people, I found out the word chink is an actual word, right? Not just a common greeting that I had in high school.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 164 No, no, seriously, man. Ching, if you look it up, man, it means dent or crack.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 164 Yeah, yeah. But the common phrase is chink in the armor, which was kind of disconcerting because, like, earlier this year, like when I went to like the Renaissance fair, right?

Speaker 165 Yeah, because like I went as a knight.

Speaker 98 Right?

Speaker 164 I went as a knight, right?

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 72 And then

Speaker 101 somebody's trying to hit it. Yeah, somebody's getting it.

Speaker 164 Humor, apparently, to this crowd is the chink in the armor.

Speaker 165 But, um, no, no, no, so what happens, right?

Speaker 164 They tell me, like, you got to go as something a little bit more Asian-appropriate, right? So, you know, next year, I'm not going to go as a knight, right?

Speaker 160 I'm going to go as a king.

Speaker 113 Yeah, obviously, a short king, you know, because that's Asian.

Speaker 164 But, um,

Speaker 164 thank you. Somebody got that.
Okay.

Speaker 165 Thank you, people.

Speaker 27 All right, Danny Yang.

Speaker 157 It's a bad word you were saying.

Speaker 164 Oh, come, come.

Speaker 93 Hi, Danny. How are you?

Speaker 92 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 164 Give or take, like 13 years.

Speaker 9 13 years.

Speaker 142 Wow.

Speaker 143 Where at?

Speaker 26 San Francisco?

Speaker 102 Oh, my God.

Speaker 164 You're telling me San Francisco.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 119 Ooh.

Speaker 16 Ooh, you're telling me San Francisco.

Speaker 164 That's some kind of Epscene shit you're getting at me? No.

Speaker 164 Not today, Diddy.

Speaker 145 Danny.

Speaker 164 Sorry.

Speaker 58 Danny, where have you been doing stand-up at?

Speaker 24 It's a simple question.

Speaker 106 I'm sorry.

Speaker 89 Fucking attitudes on these people today.

Speaker 167 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 89 They're all going to be working with Kino next week on the

Speaker 45 nowhere, nothing burger show.

Speaker 164 I started in Dallas, but now I'm in New York.

Speaker 125 New York, very good.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 25 I love it. What do you do for a living?

Speaker 164 I work for a cancer clinic.

Speaker 62 A cancer clinic?

Speaker 107 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 164 It's dealing out pills.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 8 You're an Asian nurse?

Speaker 72 No.

Speaker 72 Do I look Filipino?

Speaker 164 No, I'm a nice.

Speaker 8 You look Filipino.

Speaker 77 All right, well.

Speaker 90 You look like you've filled a few Pinots before.

Speaker 13 My God.

Speaker 52 Do I fucking look Filipino?

Speaker 81 Are you gay, Danny?

Speaker 164 No, I am not. Please don't spread that rumor.

Speaker 27 Oh, come on, dude.

Speaker 62 Danny, welcome to my world, buddy.

Speaker 122 Oh, this is incredible.

Speaker 68 Is this what I'm like?

Speaker 38 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 18 Oh, my God.

Speaker 85 No, I'm starting to get it.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Starting to get it.

Speaker 81 So, Danny, do you get that

Speaker 18 a lot?

Speaker 26 Because you have some feminine energies.

Speaker 164 Oh, my God.

Speaker 27 I love how you react to everything.

Speaker 5 Everything's just, oh, fuck.

Speaker 13 Oh, God.

Speaker 109 How dare you?

Speaker 56 Fucking San Francisco.

Speaker 162 Fucking shoving at my ass.

Speaker 96 Oh, it's bad, man.

Speaker 10 Bad.

Speaker 109 Look at you.

Speaker 45 All right.

Speaker 56 So, Danny, do you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 164 No, no, I'm divorced.

Speaker 111 Okay.

Speaker 79 How long were you married for?

Speaker 75 12 years.

Speaker 81 That's it.

Speaker 107 Wow. She loved you a long time.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Was she Asian as well?

Speaker 164 No, she was a Texan.

Speaker 83 She was a what? Texan.

Speaker 19 Oh, okay.

Speaker 10 White.

Speaker 141 Okay, a white Texan.

Speaker 77 Wow.

Speaker 27 Yeah. Those are rare, right? Hell yeah.

Speaker 109 Where'd you meet that girl at?

Speaker 164 Where'd you meet i i met her online okay i was in new york she was in texas then we kind of you know it was like one of those things wow look at that and and you guys were just you know chatting online and then you went and visited her or she came up to new york she came up to new york first and then like you know we couldn't afford to live in new york so we went back to you know lived in dallas okay look at that wow and then okay

Speaker 143 so why did the divorce happen where did things go wrong with you and this sweet little white Texan?

Speaker 164 Oh my God. It's.

Speaker 145 Oh my God. I don't even...

Speaker 16 I can't even fucking get started, Tony.

Speaker 89 She's the fucking Christ.

Speaker 88 The list goes on and on and on.

Speaker 75 Tony?

Speaker 17 There's all Texan women in here.

Speaker 164 I'm not going to say shit.

Speaker 24 No, you go right ahead.

Speaker 81 You go right ahead.

Speaker 49 You say this shit.

Speaker 145 Be honest. She was good.

Speaker 164 She was a great person. It's just like, I had to do something with my life, you know, besides like you know, just hanging out at like you know, freaking Whataburger, right?

Speaker 93 You can't just hang out at Whataburger, no doubt about it.

Speaker 89 That's what she wanted to do.

Speaker 28 Did she get a little chubby as the years went on?

Speaker 165 Yeah,

Speaker 49 yeah, she did.

Speaker 67 Danny Yang's like, No fucking way.

Speaker 90 Oh my god, bitch,

Speaker 27 bitch,

Speaker 169 bitch, get it together.

Speaker 145 Oh, my

Speaker 169 fucking Whataburger, bitch.

Speaker 75 I love it.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 81 There's all the sound effects of their relationship.

Speaker 70 But you didn't make any kids, huh?

Speaker 164 No, no, no.

Speaker 120 No, you didn't fucking throw some cream cheese in her wonton?

Speaker 164 No.

Speaker 164 Come on, nobody wants those half-breeds in Texas.

Speaker 24 No, nobody wants what?

Speaker 164 Those half-breeds in Texas.

Speaker 45 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 81 I think there's a lot of half breeds.

Speaker 8 Asian racism right there.

Speaker 168 Yeah, come on.

Speaker 18 We need half Asian, half whites with our booming tech industry.

Speaker 164 Well, it's like, how indecisive are you going to be? Either make like a round eye or you know, slandy eye.

Speaker 75 You know, it's just unless I mix it.

Speaker 68 Like Asian whites make hot, hot kits.

Speaker 165 Well, it's always like somebody's winking, right?

Speaker 73 I love it.

Speaker 107 Are you 100% Chinese, Danny Yang?

Speaker 164 I'm from Taiwan.

Speaker 68 Oh, perfect.

Speaker 68 So, yes.

Speaker 164 Yeah, basically.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 111 Soon to be China.

Speaker 158 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Soon to be, yeah.

Speaker 164 You got it, though, man. I'm not going back there for a while.

Speaker 145 Wow. That worked.

Speaker 38 Wow.

Speaker 63 Amazing, Danny. When's the last time you were there?

Speaker 170 Oh, God, I was a kid, man.

Speaker 41 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 75 Yeah, they were.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 72 They were throwing me on a boat, getting me out of there.

Speaker 27 All right.

Speaker 89 That's an odd way to travel to China, but okay.

Speaker 107 I like it.

Speaker 79 What do you do for fun, Danny?

Speaker 114 You seem like you have some interesting hobbies.

Speaker 124 Well, yeah, I mean...

Speaker 155 Oh my God. Red Ban.

Speaker 163 Red Ban.

Speaker 24 Why would you do that to him?

Speaker 153 This is an innocent man. He's just trying his best.
I don't know why you would embarrass him like that.

Speaker 139 Do you do you, sucky, sucky?

Speaker 164 It depends on how much you have on, yeah.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 164 It's gotten that bad.

Speaker 82 Oh, my God.

Speaker 153 All right.

Speaker 57 So where are we at with the hobbies there, Danny?

Speaker 164 Oh, I'm a, I'm a screenwriter. I'm here for the Austin Film Festival.

Speaker 112 Oh, oh nice yeah i'm here as a writer oh wow okay did you you wrote a movie i'm what you wrote a

Speaker 17 you wrote a screenplay that's in the festival or yeah i wrote a screenplay what's it about uh

Speaker 27 oh god

Speaker 13 oh fuck

Speaker 161 tony

Speaker 103 why do you ask these questions i'm fucking straight i'm danny yang

Speaker 74 Fucking batch.

Speaker 17 All right, go ahead. What's the screenplay about?

Speaker 164 I got two in.

Speaker 31 Oh, Oh, that's what she said, right?

Speaker 8 Your wife probably did.

Speaker 144 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Hey.

Speaker 27 Oh.

Speaker 8 He doesn't have strap-on energy, everybody.

Speaker 99 I actually have a dick.

Speaker 164 I don't need a strap-on, man.

Speaker 8 I mean, in your butt.

Speaker 82 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 97 All right.

Speaker 72 They're called cucumbers, you know.

Speaker 45 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 72 Oh, my God.

Speaker 94 What the hell? What the hell?

Speaker 163 I love you, Danny.

Speaker 128 You're a funny guy, dude.

Speaker 164 I have to go to San Francisco now, man.

Speaker 107 Oh, my God.

Speaker 24 Let's go.

Speaker 76 Let's go.

Speaker 97 Called it love.

Speaker 75 Love getting lost.

Speaker 75 That's it.

Speaker 171 I love it, Danny.

Speaker 32 So, other than screenplays, you seem like a guy.

Speaker 121 You have a fish tank?

Speaker 114 I'm getting fish tank energies from you.

Speaker 45 Do you have a fish tank?

Speaker 164 Empty. I don't have a fish tank.

Speaker 57 You don't have a fish tank.

Speaker 81 Have you ever?

Speaker 164 No, no. My dad had one.

Speaker 167 Your dad had one. That's what I'm feeling.

Speaker 24 I go, feeling fish tank.

Speaker 81 It's clearly coming from your father.

Speaker 75 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 What's your favorite karaoke song?

Speaker 164 I like that Elvis.

Speaker 164 A little more conversation.

Speaker 72 A little less.

Speaker 102 A little less conversation, a little more action.

Speaker 94 Whoa.

Speaker 80 Wow.

Speaker 118 I got one.

Speaker 113 Look at that.

Speaker 164 In Gagnum style, obviously.

Speaker 55 God, you're funny, Danny Yang.

Speaker 56 I like you.

Speaker 164 Well flattery will get you everywhere with me into San Francisco, I guess.

Speaker 86 I love it.

Speaker 114 So tell us more.

Speaker 38 How long ago was the divorce?

Speaker 164 It was, it's going on like five years now.

Speaker 20 And have you been dating women since then?

Speaker 101 Not with the gay rumors, man.

Speaker 20 Have you been dating women since the divorce?

Speaker 94 No, no.

Speaker 164 I've been on a few dates and they've been horrible.

Speaker 27 It's New York.

Speaker 67 Really? Can you tell us about a bad date?

Speaker 26 Can you give us an example of like something that one that just went that you hated?

Speaker 164 Well, I kind of went on one where it was like another comedian, but like she would not like engage with jokes. It was like having like an out-of-body experience.
Uh-huh. You know, it was just like...

Speaker 164 Do they not have humor like where you're from? And, you know, and she didn't think that was funny. I was like, obviously not, you know.
Right.

Speaker 85 She wasn't having any fun. Was this another white girl?

Speaker 29 Yeah. Have you ever been with a black woman?

Speaker 164 No, no, not yet.

Speaker 139 Oh, not yet.

Speaker 85 Have you been with a Latina before?

Speaker 164 No, I don't. No.

Speaker 107 Have you ever been with anything other than a white?

Speaker 164 Actually, no. Really?

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Have you ever been with an Asian woman?

Speaker 164 No, I have only been with white women now that I think about it.

Speaker 77 Look at you.

Speaker 78 Look at this guy.

Speaker 13 This is like a

Speaker 164 betraying your race. That's me.

Speaker 8 I love this. It's got to be hard for you to make love to Asian women.
It's like looking at yourself, right? Yeah.

Speaker 161 Two wongs don't make a right, huh?

Speaker 110 Oh, my God.

Speaker 67 Danny, I feel like I could talk to you forever.

Speaker 114 How long are you in Austin for?

Speaker 164 Probably until like Halloween, November 1st.

Speaker 122 I'd love to have you on Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 110 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 110 Well, thank you.

Speaker 13 Thank you so much.

Speaker 16 You're getting a big joke book, too, Danny.

Speaker 16 Make some noise for Danny Yang, everybody.

Speaker 146 Danny Yang.

Speaker 13 Danny Yang.

Speaker 172 Hi, I'm Lexi, your friend and jeweler at Shane Company. If you're planning to propose this holiday, we're ready to make creating your engagement ring a warm, welcoming experience.

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Speaker 173 Visit Volvocars.com/slash US to learn more. Google is a trademark of Google LLC.

Speaker 55 All right, we're having fun.

Speaker 61 How about a hand for Heidi? She has a new podcast, Love on the Line with the great Valerie Vaughan.

Speaker 158 We love Heidi.

Speaker 55 Look at Heidi fixing Kino's problems for

Speaker 55 some duct tape.

Speaker 30 The number one live podcast in the world brought to you by DuckTape.

Speaker 23 This episode is actually brought to you by Talkspace.

Speaker 61 As you can tell, some people really need the help.

Speaker 129 Go to talkspace.com. Use the promo code Keltony.
Save your own mental health.

Speaker 13 All right.

Speaker 52 Your next bucket pull, everybody.

Speaker 55 We're flying through them tonight.

Speaker 52 You guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 61 Make some noise for David Wayne, everybody. It's David Wayne.

Speaker 42 I used to have a job where I read a lot of police reports.

Speaker 174 And sometimes in the police reports, the arresting officer were writing the narrative, my body-worn camera was active during the arrest.

Speaker 42 Then if I wrote out that whole phrase, they would abbreviate it. So it would read, my BWC was active during the arrest.
Yeah, if you're laughing at that, you're my people.

Speaker 42 If you're not laughing at that, you're still my people. It just haven't been corrupted by the internet yet.
Because if you're unaware in porn, BWC stands for big white cock.

Speaker 42 Yeah, so now Davey reads a police report as my big white cock was active during the arrest.

Speaker 42 And every one of those, there was always an additional charge for resisting officer.

Speaker 126 Yeah, no shit, dude.

Speaker 42 This guy's coming to me holding his nightstick and his baton.

Speaker 100 He was yelling out wild shit like Blue Chews Matter.

Speaker 72 It's crazy.

Speaker 27 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 174 So obviously, if you couldn't tell by looking at me, it's pretty obvious from the set as well that I really enjoy titty fucking.

Speaker 42 I do.

Speaker 174 I just hate when the lube gets matted up in my chest there.

Speaker 102 You guys have been great. Thank you.

Speaker 145 David Wayne.

Speaker 138 Welcome, David.

Speaker 156 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 81 Yes, yes, it is. I love it.

Speaker 62 Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 174 Like 10 total, but six series, six years.

Speaker 113 Okay.

Speaker 10 Where at?

Speaker 174 Tampa.

Speaker 119 Tampa, Florida.

Speaker 174 Wow. Shout out side splitters.

Speaker 80 Yeah, we love side splitters.

Speaker 8 Filthy Tampa.

Speaker 32 We love it.

Speaker 63 Is that where you're born and raised?

Speaker 42 No, I'm from Virginia originally.

Speaker 33 Okay, well, what made you pick Tampa?

Speaker 176 I can't aff.

Speaker 164 Well, sorry.

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 52 All right.

Speaker 67 You can't afford what?

Speaker 165 I thought you asked me, why did you pick Austin?

Speaker 164 And that's what fucked me up.

Speaker 165 So Tampa was a girl, my ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 119 Oh, okay.

Speaker 121 Everyone's X'd up.

Speaker 25 What happened with this relationship? How long were you with her for?

Speaker 119 14 years.

Speaker 41 Oh, my God. A lot of long relationships coming to an end.

Speaker 22 What went wrong?

Speaker 77 You rolled over on top of her?

Speaker 148 no she was a big girl too oh okay look at you couple of yeah that work how does it work you got to do the lift you know get in oh my lot of folds and flats like origami you know you just get in there

Speaker 9 you're bending a lot there's do you each pick a side to push all your meat dude

Speaker 75 i wish

Speaker 35 You wish that you did pick a side?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Amazing.

Speaker 174 So what went wrong with this uh i started doing stand-up comedy that's it that'll do it basically yeah i mean because this is you know this is like a relationship and she she was a nurse and or is a nurse and she has a daughter so like i had to babysit but also like go out and do that's why i was only six years because like the first three and a half years i only got up like once a week and you're not gonna get good doing that right okay what do you do for a living uh i work in a mail room um oh town here okay no more yeah

Speaker 90 like postal tony a root not a room filled with mail

Speaker 14 What do you do in the mail room exactly?

Speaker 31 We just check in all the packages.

Speaker 67 Steal coupons from TGI Fridays.

Speaker 57 Check all the packages?

Speaker 93 Tell me about it.

Speaker 177 Oh, God.

Speaker 90 Get Danny Yang up here again.

Speaker 80 That's all I do is check packages.

Speaker 60 Oh, it got too gay.

Speaker 24 D-Madness is leaving.

Speaker 163 There he goes.

Speaker 43 Famous homophobe, the resident homophobe of the show, D-Madness.

Speaker 163 He's only allowed 20 gay jokes per episode.

Speaker 16 There you go. The crowd goes wild for homophobia.

Speaker 16 What do you think about the gays, David Wayne?

Speaker 27 I love them.

Speaker 84 There you go. Good answer.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 153 What else do you do, David?

Speaker 49 What are your hobbies?

Speaker 33 Do you have any special skills or talents?

Speaker 67 You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to probably win an oyster eating competition.

Speaker 174 I go to the gym.

Speaker 142 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 8 I do want. I do want.

Speaker 104 I swear. I swear to God, I go to the gym.

Speaker 49 Just for the smoothies?

Speaker 17 What do you do at the gym exactly?

Speaker 82 I got out of a 14.

Speaker 165 I'm trying to slim this down.

Speaker 174 I've actually lost 65 pounds.

Speaker 80 Wow.

Speaker 34 Amazing.

Speaker 123 Amazing. What exactly take us through your routine at the gym?

Speaker 85 You go in with a gym bag?

Speaker 174 Yeah, it's actually at my office. So I get off work at five.
I go up to the gym.

Speaker 24 Just a completely inappropriate sound effect.

Speaker 141 Go ahead.

Speaker 174 No, I just go to the gym, work out for about an hour and a half. I do do the stair master treadmill, and then I walk down here, hit shows and mics and stuff, you know, when I can.

Speaker 174 So it's a lot of walking. I'm glad it's coming up on Big Man season.
It's about to get cold.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 179 It's hot here.

Speaker 27 Amazing.

Speaker 85 So now you live by yourself?

Speaker 9 No, I have a roommate.

Speaker 62 Oh, okay. They do comedy too? Yeah.

Speaker 137 All right. And it's a two-bedroom?

Speaker 174 Yep, two-bedroom, two-bath.

Speaker 82 Two-bath. Yeah.

Speaker 27 Look at that. Look at you.

Speaker 112 Thrive.

Speaker 75 Nobody wants to share a bathroom with me. Right.

Speaker 64 Exactly.

Speaker 90 You have any weird eating habits?

Speaker 114 What's your poison?

Speaker 154 What's your just your go-to?

Speaker 85 When you're feeling sad, what do you cry and eat at the same time?

Speaker 165 Pussy?

Speaker 94 Yeah, eat.

Speaker 80 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 8 Did you chip your tooth eating pussy?

Speaker 113 Someone's from Florida.

Speaker 153 Yeah, that is.

Speaker 114 That's some fucking Tampa dentistry right there.

Speaker 81 Real fucking Picasso of teeth.

Speaker 18 That's amazing, David.

Speaker 121 Well, my goodness.

Speaker 36 When's the last time you were on a date, David?

Speaker 147 Friday.

Speaker 141 This past Friday. Oh, wow.
Look at you, Playboy.

Speaker 168 Yeah. Where'd you go on Friday?

Speaker 174 We went out to a place off Congress, South Congress, and came back to my house.

Speaker 119 Wow, look at you.

Speaker 32 You closed it with her?

Speaker 21 You lifted it up?

Speaker 75 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 94 I got in there.

Speaker 75 I got in there, baby.

Speaker 8 First date slam, dog?

Speaker 164 Yeah, wow.

Speaker 101 We've been dating, but yeah.

Speaker 165 Wow.

Speaker 174 No, it's because the 14 relationship, I've only slept with like three people. So

Speaker 174 now four, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 33 They slept with three people, too, at the same time.

Speaker 92 That's you.

Speaker 61 Your three people.

Speaker 163 Your three people.

Speaker 60 David, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 153 Congratulations, David.

Speaker 16 Thank you. There he goes.

Speaker 98 All right.

Speaker 92 We're just going to keep going through it.

Speaker 40 We don't have another regular till the end of the show, so we're going to get some extra bucket pulls up here today.

Speaker 44 Make some noise to your next comedian.

Speaker 90 It's KJ, everybody. We're going to meet KJ together.

Speaker 61 Just two letters.

Speaker 10 KJ.

Speaker 108 Make some noise, Austin.

Speaker 126 Let's go.

Speaker 100 Listen, guys.

Speaker 135 I love my girlfriend.

Speaker 176 I'm going to marry my girlfriend, but she is a fucking retard.

Speaker 101 I'm serious.

Speaker 176 Like, I'm going to write a book and call it, I'm in love with a retard.

Speaker 65 Basically,

Speaker 135 she goes around complaining, always fighting, arguing with me.

Speaker 124 This is chapter one.

Speaker 176 Basically, I'm telling you that what happened was she was shaving her pubes, right? Long story less, long.

Speaker 31 She got an ingrown hair, and then she's telling me it was herpes.

Speaker 160 And I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 35 And then she's like, when was the last time you ever got tested?

Speaker 8 And I was like, baby, I've been tested before.

Speaker 135 I never had herpes. I had chlamydia.

Speaker 100 Those are two different things.

Speaker 176 And I remember when the doctor called me and told me, I was crying. Like,

Speaker 49 I was happy.

Speaker 160 Those were tears of joy. I wasn't sad.

Speaker 135 I was just happy that I didn't have herpes.

Speaker 176 That's my time. Thank you, guys.

Speaker 94 Wow. All right.

Speaker 171 Sam Tripoli was the only laugh in the room there at the end, giving it up.

Speaker 24 Giving it up for another

Speaker 71 dark, hairy animal, just like you, Sam. Just like your brother.
Hi, Kitchen.

Speaker 35 How are you? What ethnicity are you exactly?

Speaker 135 I identify as Italian.

Speaker 27 I bet you do.

Speaker 90 Wouldn't that be nose?

Speaker 54 But what are you?

Speaker 94 Jubby.

Speaker 153 You're what?

Speaker 31 Sick.

Speaker 113 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 112 Sick, dude.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 142 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 70 And do your parents know you do stand-up?

Speaker 176 Yeah, I remember when I told my dad, he was like, you're not going to be fucking Russell Peters.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 176 And he was like, be like a truck driver or something, right?

Speaker 176 So.

Speaker 36 How long you been doing it?

Speaker 176 To be honest, I've been doing it for a while, but I've only gone on like maybe 10-15 shows, like open mics and stuff. I treated this like an open mic.

Speaker 176 That was the first time I ever performed that set, probably the last time.

Speaker 75 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 110 That's cool.

Speaker 176 All right. I thought it would crush, I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 135 I was so excited.

Speaker 8 What was the punch on you thought was going to get the big boo?

Speaker 8 You go, girlfriend's a retard.

Speaker 176 I thought that was the setup, but I was actually the part where I was like getting herpes and then getting chlamydia. I thought that was funny.

Speaker 176 And that's all made up too. I don't really have herpes or chlamydia.

Speaker 80 Wow, yeah.

Speaker 8 Is your girlfriend cool with you bombing and telling everybody she has herpes? Is that cool?

Speaker 176 Yeah, she's happy.

Speaker 176 I just came here for fun. It's all fun.
At the end of the day.

Speaker 154 You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job, KJ.

Speaker 68 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 176 I'm a baggage handler.

Speaker 167 A baggage handler?

Speaker 139 Wow, they let you put bags on airplanes?

Speaker 118 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 88 My God, so you really do specialize in bombing and all jobs.

Speaker 61 This is incredible.

Speaker 163 That is not right.

Speaker 145 That is not right.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 29 A brown baggage handler.

Speaker 45 That's like having a black guy watch your wallet for you, am I right?

Speaker 54 For a living all black guy.

Speaker 88 Or having an Asian guy watch over your soft-boiled thing.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 68 Wow, look at the serious look on Casey's face. She's fancy.

Speaker 176 I just pandered to everybody and said, I thought that would have been funnier.

Speaker 29 How would you have done that?

Speaker 21 What would you have done?

Speaker 176 Just did some typical Indian jokes. I smell like curry, all that kind of shit.

Speaker 137 Do you have jokes like that?

Speaker 114 Can you do one for us?

Speaker 176 Not off the top of my head, no.

Speaker 27 Oh, okay.

Speaker 153 I don't like to pander to white people.

Speaker 71 Normally you do have a lot of material on the top of your head, your people.

Speaker 27 Normally.

Speaker 75 Come on, baby.

Speaker 103 Come on, baby.

Speaker 156 We're doing it tonight.

Speaker 114 KJ, what does your mom do for a living?

Speaker 176 She does like customer service, like us.

Speaker 84 That makes sense.

Speaker 8 Call center? Does she work at a call center?

Speaker 176 Not like a call center, like more like front desk people, but she does take calls, obviously.

Speaker 123 And the dad, what exactly does the dad do?

Speaker 176 What kind of dad works at like a lumber, like mill, lumber mill?

Speaker 41 Oh, lumber mill.

Speaker 121 All right, that's different. I wouldn't have expected that.

Speaker 71 All right. KJ, what's your love life like?

Speaker 20 You have a girlfriend that's real?

Speaker 176 Yeah, she's real. Okay.

Speaker 101 She doesn't have herpes.

Speaker 77 Sure.

Speaker 90 And how long have you been with her?

Speaker 160 Uh, since January, February.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 41 All right.

Speaker 140 Where'd you guys meet?

Speaker 27 Agrabah.

Speaker 5 Was that?

Speaker 106 Was that a Princess Jasmine joke? I'm sorry.

Speaker 23 Is she brown as well?

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 14 She's Indian?

Speaker 135 Yeah. Same

Speaker 112 thing all the way?

Speaker 94 All the way.

Speaker 13 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 108 That's how they do it.

Speaker 113 Yep.

Speaker 140 You find yourself only attracted to those type of people? No.

Speaker 176 Anybody is fine. I'm not racist or anything like that.

Speaker 141 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But do you have a preference?

Speaker 24 Like we just had Danny Yang up here.

Speaker 20 He's from Taiwan and exclusively has only been with white women before.

Speaker 85 Do you find yourself having a preference of any kind?

Speaker 176 Not really. It doesn't matter.
I think all women doesn't matter.

Speaker 164 It doesn't matter to me.

Speaker 154 Yeah, you have herpes, by the way.

Speaker 136 What do you do for fun, KJ?

Speaker 85 You have any hobbies or anything like that?

Speaker 176 Snowboarding, like to ride bikes, like to chill, play video games.

Speaker 48 Wow, snowboarding.

Speaker 121 I didn't. That's another, I just wouldn't have guessed that your people really do that.

Speaker 29 I could picture maybe sandboarding or something like that, that or even waterboarding I think your people are very good at.

Speaker 36 But snowboarding is incredible.

Speaker 36 It's absolutely amazing.

Speaker 52 KJ, fun times, man.

Speaker 120 Come sign up again sometime.

Speaker 62 Next week. It's a little one.

Speaker 36 There you go.

Speaker 14 KJ, everybody.

Speaker 126 Thank you guys.

Speaker 89 I'm going to keep it moving along here.

Speaker 55 Your next comedian's name is familiar. We're going to see her again.
It's Sarah Klein, everybody.

Speaker 129 Time for Sarah Klein. It's Klein time.

Speaker 180 Recently took home a dude who's an optometrist, brought him into the bedroom. He started doing this thing where he was like, okay, here's one finger, and now here's two.

Speaker 180 Do we like the one?

Speaker 180 Do we like the two a little bit better?

Speaker 180 Back to the one.

Speaker 180 Let's throw it over to a three.

Speaker 180 That one is for astigmatism.

Speaker 180 Turns out I do have astigmatism.

Speaker 180 That is not the only form of tism that I have.

Speaker 180 Yeah, my ancestors came down the tism trail.

Speaker 180 It's a history joke.

Speaker 180 I have what used to be called Asperger's. They don't call it that anymore because it turns out the dude that it's named after is a Nazi.

Speaker 180 But also, that's been coming back on vogue.

Speaker 180 I don't know. But the rebranding is it's now called level one autism,

Speaker 180 which for me as a gamer is mildly infuriating because I'm like, what do I got to do

Speaker 180 to get to the next level?

Speaker 80 Wow.

Speaker 98 Sarah Klein.

Speaker 24 Amazing set.

Speaker 18 Thank you. Fantastic.

Speaker 44 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 180 How much? Six years.

Speaker 83 Six years. Where at, Sarah?

Speaker 180 Mostly Dallas. I started in Austin, but that was in like 2019.

Speaker 121 Then you moved to Dallas?

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 180 And then Seattle, and then back to Dallas.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 25 What made you move to Dallas?

Speaker 180 The pandemic and my place of living closing down. I moved back with my parents.

Speaker 38 Ah, the parents are in Dallas.

Speaker 40 That makes sense.

Speaker 22 What in the world would make you move to Seattle?

Speaker 180 Grad school.

Speaker 78 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 136 That makes sense. What did you get a degree in?

Speaker 180 I got a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.

Speaker 27 Damn, look at you.

Speaker 82 Unbelievable.

Speaker 139 Sarah, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 31 Uh-oh.

Speaker 82 I do cat-sitting.

Speaker 155 Oh,

Speaker 41 my God.

Speaker 60 I think you hit level two.

Speaker 34 That is amazing.

Speaker 20 You're a professional cat sitter, One of the few animals that famously can be left alone.

Speaker 24 And yet that is your specialty.

Speaker 140 I mean, that is just an incredible job.

Speaker 63 How did you start becoming a professional cat sitter?

Speaker 180 You go to grad school and then you don't get paid over the summer, so you find odd jobs.

Speaker 30 Here's a cool cat right here.

Speaker 136 It's D-Madness, everybody. Look at that.

Speaker 16 He's a a cat that does a lot of sitting.

Speaker 85 And yet we are here with a true cat sitter. Has that cat sitting ever gone wrong for you?

Speaker 32 Anything crazy ever happened?

Speaker 180 I mean, I've had cats that like want to kill me.

Speaker 82 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 119 Okay.

Speaker 180 Occasionally, like a couple.

Speaker 58 What have they done to try to kill you?

Speaker 180 Take us through it. I mean, like,

Speaker 99 they like

Speaker 180 stalk me whenever I'm in, like, the premises, premises and then they're like hissing and they're like following me and trying to like

Speaker 180 attack me and I have to like grab like a vacuum or something and be like

Speaker 67 these kittens wow maybe they're just playing with you our senior cat correspondent Brian Redband

Speaker 33 Owns many cats.

Speaker 23 It's part of his identity.

Speaker 71 He loves his cats very much.

Speaker 48 He tells everybody that he should have cats.

Speaker 71 He's always covered in cat hair.

Speaker 82 Are they kittens?

Speaker 75 Huh?

Speaker 29 Nothing.

Speaker 44 What do you do for fun, Sarah?

Speaker 85 Take us through some of your hobbies and whatnot.

Speaker 95 Let's fucking really figure out how autistic you are.

Speaker 180 Well, I'm a pole dancer.

Speaker 162 Really?

Speaker 98 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 180 For fun, not for money.

Speaker 30 I love that.

Speaker 180 I like to go birding.

Speaker 48 Okay, tell us what birding is exactly.

Speaker 180 It's bird watching. It's just like a little more active because you actually try to identify the species and you keep like a list.

Speaker 120 Do you ever find yourself like trying to paw at the birds because you've spent so much time with cats?

Speaker 180 No.

Speaker 180 All right.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Okay.
Do you do anything not autistic?

Speaker 40 I mean, pole dancing is pretty not autistic.

Speaker 18 I mean, that's

Speaker 8 by yourself is still autistic.

Speaker 89 And when you count exactly how many times you went around the pole,

Speaker 153 75 odd number, we're done.

Speaker 35 Nobody touched those ones on on the floor.

Speaker 15 I already counted them.

Speaker 70 Pole dancing, birding.

Speaker 38 What have we got in the three spots, Sarah Klein?

Speaker 10 I'm a poet.

Speaker 75 Ooh, la la.

Speaker 180 That's what I went to grad school for.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 121 All right. What do you specialize in?

Speaker 141 Haikus?

Speaker 120 That's the only kind I know.

Speaker 180 Just like contemporary, freeverse, confessional.

Speaker 71 Okay, so you're like Lil Wayne or something like that.

Speaker 157 Lil Weezy.

Speaker 75 Sure, yeah. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 71 What's your love life like, Sarah?

Speaker 27 Have you ever.

Speaker 75 Have I?

Speaker 180 Yes.

Speaker 82 I didn't.

Speaker 168 Yes.

Speaker 9 Is there any chance you're a gay Chinese guy?

Speaker 81 Oh my God.

Speaker 168 I don't know why this keeps happening, Tony.

Speaker 90 I'm back.

Speaker 33 What's your love life like, Sarah Quinn?

Speaker 141 You seem to have cool swagger to you.

Speaker 83 I like your style.

Speaker 20 That little skeleton hand's cool. Thanks.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 180 I mean, I was in a long-term relationship like a year ago.

Speaker 154 Did it last like about 12 years?

Speaker 180 Oh, okay. It was like two and a half.

Speaker 107 Oh, that's not that long.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Tell us about it.

Speaker 33 Was he autistic, too?

Speaker 180 No, I don't believe so. We met in grad school.

Speaker 31 He was also a poet.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 95 Look at that. Just two poets.

Speaker 68 Cat sitting together.

Speaker 9 Was it clear which one of you was a more gifted poet?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Me.

Speaker 142 Wow. Look at that.

Speaker 111 Who paid the rent?

Speaker 27 Who paid rent?

Speaker 15 We shared it.

Speaker 82 I love it.

Speaker 85 I love it. Do you make good money, cat sitting?

Speaker 48 What are we talking about here?

Speaker 180 No, I don't know.

Speaker 180 I mean...

Speaker 37 How do you survive, Sarah?

Speaker 180 My parents right now.

Speaker 147 Wow.

Speaker 36 And how much are you in debt in college?

Speaker 27 None.

Speaker 107 None. It was all paid for.

Speaker 180 You got the full school. We're still Fully funded, yeah.

Speaker 79 Amazing.

Speaker 143 Look at that.

Speaker 154 Okay, so what are your plans for the future, Sarah?

Speaker 106 What are some short-term goals that you have?

Speaker 180 I want to date a woman.

Speaker 45 Ooh, have you ever tried dating a woman?

Speaker 180 Tried? Yes.

Speaker 180 I haven't been on a date with a woman.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 85 So when you say try, what did you do?

Speaker 6 I babysat her cat for free. Yeah.

Speaker 180 I mean, like, I've talked to women online on, like, dating apps. It's just never

Speaker 112 gotten to the actual.

Speaker 85 Have you ever kissed a woman?

Speaker 180 Yes.

Speaker 85 Okay. Have you kissed a woman in Texas?

Speaker 165 Yes.

Speaker 140 Have you kissed a woman in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 180 No.

Speaker 31 Whoa.

Speaker 110 Oh, my God.

Speaker 62 Do you want to?

Speaker 44 Is there a beautiful woman out there that wants to come up and give Sarah Klein a kiss?

Speaker 18 Everybody.

Speaker 27 Wow, there's a beautiful Brunetta right there.

Speaker 145 Come on up, you slut.

Speaker 73 Amazing.

Speaker 72 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 161 Wow, she's actually quite beautiful.

Speaker 23 What a special fan base we have.

Speaker 14 Give yourselves a hand.

Speaker 16 This is a little segment on the show called Kiss Me. We've been doing it 13 years.
When the time is right.

Speaker 155 Oh my God.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 13 We are the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Talkspace.

Speaker 8 That's Sarah Parker. We're already moving in with each other.

Speaker 87 Are you damp right now?

Speaker 72 Red band.

Speaker 123 You can't say that to people.

Speaker 43 This is a professional show.

Speaker 18 We have sponsors. That's out of control.

Speaker 5 Are you?

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 68 How do you feel right now, Sarah?

Speaker 31 Good.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 49 It was a pretty girl.

Speaker 82 I can't complain. Yeah.
What a fun.

Speaker 8 Did you feel something? Was there a little fire?

Speaker 27 A little bit, yeah. A little scissors.

Speaker 180 I feel something, yeah.

Speaker 98 Amazing.

Speaker 26 Amazing.

Speaker 36 How about one more time for the lady that did that?

Speaker 69 The hero.

Speaker 92 She's gone.

Speaker 23 Oh, she's signing a waiver.

Speaker 136 I love it. We have to make sure we don't get sued by whores.

Speaker 84 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 153 I love it. Sarah, anything else crazy about your life?

Speaker 8 She's already getting clingy, dude.

Speaker 81 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 24 These fucking lesbians are wild, dude.

Speaker 168 Now's your chance, propose.

Speaker 180 Yes, I actually, I talked about it the last time I was on. I have two vaginas.

Speaker 162 Oh,

Speaker 145 my God.

Speaker 94 Do you like Asian girls?

Speaker 161 Okay, hold on a second.

Speaker 45 Sure.

Speaker 14 Yes, then there could be three vaginas you can't please at once, Red Dan.

Speaker 16 It would be amazing.

Speaker 117 Hey, wait a second.

Speaker 82 Why would you say that about me?

Speaker 169 Oh, I immediately came and fell asleep.

Speaker 81 Oh.

Speaker 103 Okay.

Speaker 70 Tell us more about these two vaginas.

Speaker 145 Somehow I don't remember that.

Speaker 57 I don't remember talking about about this.

Speaker 76 No kidding, Tony.

Speaker 163 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 14 Sounds like double trouble to me.

Speaker 103 Ew, double disgustiamas.

Speaker 139 You are saying you have zero pieces

Speaker 5 or something like that.

Speaker 82 Somehow slipped my mind.

Speaker 82 Oh, yes.

Speaker 48 Tell us about your two vaginas.

Speaker 180 Yeah, yeah. There's like there's a septum dividing into like two canals.
I have two cervices. When I get a pap smear, they have to label it left and right.

Speaker 109 Oh my god.

Speaker 58 So it literally looks like.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 180 I mean from the outside it looks normal. Like it's just one set of labia.
It's like when you actually go inside.

Speaker 77 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 8 It's like a trapdoor?

Speaker 9 Yes. No, it's like two smaller vaginas on each other's shoulders under one trench coat

Speaker 24 Tim motherfucking butterly.

Speaker 180 Oh my god not evenly divided though. One is actually like infant size.
They had to use like a pediatric spectrum.

Speaker 16 Red band just came in his pants everybody.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 138 An infant sized vagina.

Speaker 45 He's literally googling you right now.

Speaker 16 This is incredible in real time.

Speaker 56 Do you have a regular hole and a a premium?

Speaker 98 Oh my god.

Speaker 98 Incredible.

Speaker 72 I don't mean to, I hate to hate you guys with all this jargon.

Speaker 24 This is amazing.

Speaker 82 Double vaginas is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 20 So do you ever do anything with the infant size one?

Speaker 43 Do you ever put like a Zen pouch in there or anything?

Speaker 180 No.

Speaker 120 Okay, what have you done with it?

Speaker 54 Have you ever like the tip of a pinky, anything?

Speaker 180 Yeah, I'm sure there's been like a finger or two in there.

Speaker 117 Mmm.

Speaker 27 Pick you up like a six-pack, right?

Speaker 125 Sure.

Speaker 125 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 9 Did you consider saving one of them for marriage? Yeah.

Speaker 91 Wow.

Speaker 31 No. My goodness.

Speaker 64 Your lesbian friend seems very excited to perhaps have the old entree and side dish.

Speaker 24 This is like when you get to pick two at a P.F.

Speaker 20 Changs, two entrees.

Speaker 18 I will have the sweet and sour chicken and the

Speaker 11 steak with broccoli.

Speaker 148 Do they share the period?

Speaker 81 Like, is there like a, like, or do you

Speaker 114 see it's a double period or an exclamation point? What's it like?

Speaker 180 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Is it a tsunami?

Speaker 24 You say tsunami three times.

Speaker 93 Danny Yang comes out of nowhere.

Speaker 57 Be careful.

Speaker 163 Oh my god, I'm back.

Speaker 167 Double vaginas.

Speaker 74 A white girl from Texas with two vaginas.

Speaker 169 I have two slits too.

Speaker 29 They're called my eyes.

Speaker 102 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 77 What did I ask you? What was the last question?

Speaker 180 I mean, I guess it might be like heavier than a normal. My uterus is also like

Speaker 180 an anomaly. It's shaped weird it's kind of like double horned-ish

Speaker 121 wow this is amazing yeah

Speaker 13 red band

Speaker 22 somehow came in his pants on infant vagina and i can clearly see he's hard yet again immediately and and you're not calling your butthole vagina like most girls right no

Speaker 75 no that that's

Speaker 80 the old

Speaker 82 red band you are really something else

Speaker 68 You are really something else, Red Band.

Speaker 9 And have we covered,

Speaker 9 have you ever considered using both at the same time

Speaker 180 I mean if it's a hand yes no I mean you don't mean actually don't fucking

Speaker 180 they have to use a pediatric speculum to look in there so it's real small Wow pediatric speculum is actually

Speaker 57 so fired up right now it's crazy I didn't know I've never heard anybody say my Wi-Fi password out loud but pediatric speculum is my Wi-Fi password stay away from my house.

Speaker 127 Do not log on to my Wi-Fi.

Speaker 24 I shouldn't have said it.

Speaker 79 I shouldn't leak information like this, but Pediatric Speculum.

Speaker 82 Pediatric Speculum 420, Red Band keeps having me say.

Speaker 70 420, because Pediatric Speculum is too easy to get.

Speaker 55 So I had to throw a few numbers there at the end.

Speaker 9 You can actually go in the merch store right now and buy a Kill Tony pediatric speculum as this episode airs.

Speaker 14 Heidi the new fly swatter we do have a brand new Kill Tony fly swatter that is for sale you may remember

Speaker 114 last couple episodes ago there was a lot of flies so our merch guy actually how about a hand for branding he's actually here tonight

Speaker 163 our merch guy

Speaker 121 along with the great McVader decided to make fly swatters we might have to do a Kill Tony pediatric speculum

Speaker 33 Wow, is there any other times? I just find this to be such a compelling interview.

Speaker 140 Are there other times where the double vagina, the old DV, has

Speaker 25 affected your life in any way?

Speaker 27 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 109 This might be, this is getting crazy. This is like old school Stern interview shit.

Speaker 52 But have you noticed when a guy's gone down on you, right?

Speaker 85 Have you noticed that he slips into, is there a way to slip into both with a tongue?

Speaker 180 Probably not. It's like...

Speaker 65 It's in there.

Speaker 180 Yeah, you have to go in a little bit to get to where it's.

Speaker 153 Is it down?

Speaker 69 Is there like a map that you can draw exactly?

Speaker 56 Travel.

Speaker 8 It's like a choose your own adventure, right?

Speaker 82 That's how it goes.

Speaker 165 Kind of, yeah.

Speaker 56 Is it by the cauliflower? Like, is it next to it?

Speaker 110 Like, on the...

Speaker 75 Fuck red. What?

Speaker 82 That's crazy. Redband.

Speaker 6 You're being bad tonight, Redvan.

Speaker 82 It's not good.

Speaker 110 Starbert.

Speaker 56 Is it by the cauliflower?

Speaker 147 Can it work? Familiar with...

Speaker 109 We don't have...

Speaker 24 I know.

Speaker 81 He doesn't know what cauliflower.

Speaker 109 He doesn't

Speaker 15 real cauliflower George.

Speaker 9 But seriously, have you ever considered calling it a bonus level?

Speaker 31 No, I haven't.

Speaker 9 Well, that's a free one, bitch.

Speaker 122 Take it.

Speaker 163 Unbelievable.

Speaker 60 Sarah, we love you.

Speaker 13 I would love to have you on the secrets.

Speaker 145 Very bad, Red Band.

Speaker 82 She's getting two sets.

Speaker 82 Oh

Speaker 98 my

Speaker 177 God.

Speaker 93 Abstee Madness is in heaven right now.

Speaker 58 It's got two hands up in the air because a double vagina is

Speaker 60 the least gay thing ever.

Speaker 43 So he is so happy right now.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 79 And you know what I'm going to do?

Speaker 167 I'm going to give you one big joke bug and one smaller joke bug.

Speaker 16 And I'm going to hide the smaller joke bug. You're gonna have to find it.

Speaker 16 It's gonna be quite the adventure for you.

Speaker 14 The great Sarah Klein, everybody.

Speaker 94 Amazing.

Speaker 73 Wow.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 52 17-minute long interview.

Speaker 67 What's the lesson here, people?

Speaker 23 Have two vaginas.

Speaker 24 Oh, look at this one vagina bitch

Speaker 10 boring

Speaker 90 oh my god that is a woman that never needs a pediatric speculum

Speaker 55 can you imagine though she had two vaginas

Speaker 55 dude

Speaker 24 If Heidi had two vaginas,

Speaker 60 we'd retire.

Speaker 171 Just kidding, I'm gay.

Speaker 109 All right.

Speaker 181 This episode is brought to you by Buffalo Trace Distillery.

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Speaker 181 Proudly going their own way, but never going alone. This is the spirit inside Buffalo Trace Bourbon.
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Speaker 94 Please gamble responsibly.

Speaker 52 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 61 It's Joe Filey, everybody. Joe Filey.

Speaker 108 Fuck yeah, mother shit.

Speaker 108 Damn, I've been working with my grandpa. We're trying to make him less racist.

Speaker 108 So now whenever he says some fucked up racist stuff, he goes, no homo afterwards.

Speaker 108 Bro, it's kind of like a flashbang. The black guy don't even remember the n-word he he just said.
He's like, you call me gay?

Speaker 108 No, yeah, I don't know. Grandpa's fucking...

Speaker 108 Even like Altima, I'll go by with no bumper. He's like, black lady, no cap.

Speaker 108 I love that you know these terms, dude.

Speaker 108 I remember in high school, I was dating this Puerto Rican chick, and he compared her to a pit bull.

Speaker 108 He's like, you feel safe in your house, and you look cool in public, but at some point, it's going to try to bite your sister-in-law.

Speaker 108 Damn, I was really hoping for meow so the pit bull could bite it right there.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 124 No, yeah, I don't know. Gramps is cool.

Speaker 108 Like I said, it's like a flashbang. When he goes, no homo, the black guy thinks he's calling them gay, and he's like, listen, I have no problem with.
It's just blacks.

Speaker 94 All right, that's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 80 Joe Viley, what a great set.

Speaker 16 Best set that you've ever had on the show, I do believe.

Speaker 102 For sure.

Speaker 102 Hell yeah.

Speaker 85 That's fantastic. There's nothing I love more than when people seem to be getting better and you seem to be getting better.

Speaker 62 How long you've been doing on stand-up now?

Speaker 108 Three and a half, four years, probably.

Speaker 26 Three and a half years.

Speaker 20 And how long have you been hiding underneath everybody's beds?

Speaker 21 Where do you do it?

Speaker 62 You live in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 108 Yeah, until the night. I'm moving to New York tomorrow.

Speaker 81 You're moving to New York?

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 90 Oh, my God.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 108 Yeah, I got my job back at Amazon, which I lost on my first kill, Tony.

Speaker 52 You lost because of talking about it on the show.

Speaker 108 They had more problem with the retard and the cocaine. They didn't care that I mentioned I worked at Amazon.

Speaker 108 It was the follow-up questions that.

Speaker 149 Maybe you shouldn't talk about it right now, though, huh?

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 122 Are they going to be cool with?

Speaker 8 Are they going to be cool with that?

Speaker 108 Actually, they didn't have a problem with. They had a problem when I kept calling the two gay black guys them people trying to be proactive.

Speaker 108 I'm going to lose this fucking job.

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 70 Amazing. So, Joe, what else is going on?

Speaker 24 Are you excited about New York?

Speaker 81 Have you been there?

Speaker 108 Yeah, that's where I started comedy was up in New York. And then, like, I ran JFC Entertainment out here, just running shows in Austin for two years.

Speaker 49 JFC, that's...

Speaker 108 Jokes for comics. I don't know.
I always do like really raunchy jokes.

Speaker 85 I thought that was John Dees' meal plan, JFC, just fried chicken.

Speaker 26 That's what I was doing.

Speaker 108 But no, Yana.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 94 But

Speaker 108 Austin was super nice to me. Like, I ran a whole bunch of shows here, paid my bills, and now I just...
Broadway, comedy, and a couple clubs up there.

Speaker 108 Nice enough, let me come run some shows up there, so I'll go try New York.

Speaker 136 I love it.

Speaker 71 Joe, what are you doing for Halloween exactly?

Speaker 33 Because it looks like you celebrate.

Speaker 108 I'm probably going to be at Times Square barking for my show because I only sold like 12 tickets so far.

Speaker 27 All right. Okay.

Speaker 48 12 tickets. Okay.

Speaker 48 Test out the bark.

Speaker 20 Let's see. What are you going to be yelling out there?

Speaker 125 All right. Very good.

Speaker 72 Very good. It works with this face.

Speaker 108 It's like a make-away.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 72 All right.

Speaker 113 I love it.

Speaker 35 What's your love life like, Joe? Yeah, what is it like?

Speaker 108 Last time we talked about this, I had a whole bunch of single moms from the dollhouse coming after me, so I'd rather not mess with a single mom owned business.

Speaker 77 What's the dollhouse?

Speaker 113 Fuck. All right.

Speaker 80 Well,

Speaker 108 they changed their name. They went full Chinese buffet.
They have like the same food, but a different name now.

Speaker 79 Is this the guy that came inside the girl?

Speaker 94 Oh, okay. No, no.

Speaker 108 That was like a yeto like Guatemalan.

Speaker 18 Oh, wow. Okay.

Speaker 68 You specialize in race recognition. Very good.

Speaker 8 Someone let you nutton them? Someone let you nutton them?

Speaker 108 For like $200 extra on the $75 manager special.

Speaker 90 Wait, that really happened?

Speaker 108 I can't.

Speaker 134 They actually, like, they tried to take me to court.

Speaker 108 Dollhouse, like, tried to have me, like, I legit cannot talk about this.

Speaker 70 Wait, hold on.

Speaker 14 Because of what you said on Kill Tony, you.

Speaker 108 Yes, they got 20,000 follows that night.

Speaker 108 And every single mother from the dollhouse was telling me how I was ruining a single mother-owned business. And then the little fat bitch.

Speaker 155 Oh

Speaker 98 my God.

Speaker 108 We're already here. But yeah, the little fat bitch who runs the place was like, did Heidi put you up to it? I'm like, if Heidi DMs me, you're not going to see me signing up for Kill Tony anymore.

Speaker 108 Like, I made it, all right?

Speaker 121 Wow, this is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 33 You are one of the most self-destructive humans we've ever had on this show.

Speaker 163 You just lost your job, got a new lawsuit, and didn't sell a ticket to your New New York show at the same time.

Speaker 108 Bro, listen, sales in two weeks are going to be all right up there, all right? If I sell 20 tickets at Broadway, he's got me a free slice of pizza.

Speaker 94 That's.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 108 Look at that. And seven minutes.

Speaker 67 Look at that.

Speaker 143 Unbelievable.

Speaker 26 Tim Butterly, what do you think about this guy?

Speaker 88 I see you're in awe right now.

Speaker 85 Staring right down the barrel of what appears to be one of the villains from Superman 4.

Speaker 9 A huge fan of your comedy. That was an incredible set.
I've just been staring at your head for seven minutes.

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 87 I mean, I'm not vaccinated.

Speaker 9 I'm not even sure which questions to ask. I guess I want to start with, are you aware of anything that might have happened either during childbirth or your early life?

Speaker 108 I mean, my mom's not vaccinated, but she took Tylenol, so I'm meeting John Cena at some point.

Speaker 118 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 139 What else?

Speaker 140 What do you think? Do you have brothers and sisters here?

Speaker 108 Yeah, but they have a different mom, and they look to be all right. Like, I think my mom wasn't.

Speaker 108 It's definitely not from my dad's side.

Speaker 75 do you think perhaps when you were born you came out of your the uh wrong uh hole perhaps because some some women I don't know if you know this some women have a double vagina you would need a pediatric speculum.

Speaker 108 I know I was a C-section for sure.

Speaker 94 I was a pediatrician.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, there's no way you were

Speaker 9 D-section my friend.

Speaker 27 I've had this head since birth.

Speaker 108 Like I was born with this brow ridge. Like the kid photos look the same.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 84 It is amazing.

Speaker 45 You look inbred.

Speaker 8 On the evolution of man, you're about three inches.

Speaker 108 I hate that this is the second time I've been calling inbred in this room. Holtzman called me that like six months ago when I was sitting right there.

Speaker 71 He, yeah, that's what you look like.

Speaker 94 That is. I don't pick what I look like.

Speaker 111 I just got to go with it.

Speaker 24 You're damn right, buddy.

Speaker 108 I'm like a Ford Pinto, all right?

Speaker 94 At some point, you're gonna look cool with me around you.

Speaker 80 I love it.

Speaker 152 I love it.

Speaker 152 I love it.

Speaker 89 A real heartfelt moment about his monster head.

Speaker 83 What's your dick like, Joe?

Speaker 108 It's like a party-sized NyQuil bottle.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 49 Party-size NyQuil bottle.

Speaker 122 Big or small? I can't tell.

Speaker 108 They don't make it, so you have to imagine it. It's only a family-size.
There's no party-size in NyQuil. That'd be crazy.

Speaker 141 Wow.

Speaker 69 You are crushing, Joe Filey.

Speaker 88 You're killing it.

Speaker 24 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 16 You already have a big joke, Bug?

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 16 If you only had a few more,

Speaker 29 if you only had

Speaker 149 leaving tomorrow to fight James Bond or something like that, right?

Speaker 136 That is true.

Speaker 85 Has anyone ever told you you look like every version of Jaws?

Speaker 108 I'll take it. Yeah, I got some pretty fucked up teeth, too.

Speaker 72 Is that what you're going for?

Speaker 108 I was about to say, listen, health insurance is not good with Amazon.

Speaker 108 I'm already fired. Fuck it.

Speaker 73 Yeah, their health insurance is there.

Speaker 115 We're already there.

Speaker 108 Wait, you can get me a job at the dojo, right?

Speaker 94 I make a hell of a door guy. Like, I'll headbutt some people.

Speaker 8 Mike's up there. Go talk to him.

Speaker 163 The owner of the dojo, just in Jersey.

Speaker 137 What part of Jersey?

Speaker 8 It's in Morris Plains, the Dojo of Conference. Micro Minelli's.

Speaker 108 I'll be living on Staten Island. That's like a ferry ride, a train ride, whatever it is.

Speaker 7 You're hired, bro.

Speaker 94 Fuck yeah, I'll take it.

Speaker 16 Wow, there you go. Dreams are coming true.
There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 98 Thank you.

Speaker 10 Bro!

Speaker 117 Thank you.

Speaker 61 One more time for Joe Filey, everybody.

Speaker 155 Hell yeah.

Speaker 55 We're having a good old time tonight.

Speaker 128 Bucket pool number nine, everybody.

Speaker 55 How amazing.

Speaker 128 We're really flying through it tonight. We're coming around the bend.

Speaker 120 And we ain't seen the sun shine since.

Speaker 8 I fancy you're crushing tonight, dog. You're so fucking funny.

Speaker 56 Well, you guys are the best.

Speaker 12 SamTripoli.com, TimButterly.com.

Speaker 43 Six podcasts between the two of them.

Speaker 8 Tinfoil Hat, Deep Dish, Dad Meat, Deep Water, Broken...

Speaker 67 Simulation.

Speaker 14 Broken Simulations.

Speaker 18 Deep Waters.

Speaker 10 Alright.

Speaker 24 He's also in a group text with Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo.

Speaker 14 So if you guys would like, how many of you think he should release the group chat?

Speaker 14 Tripoli, Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 109 Alright.

Speaker 24 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 55 It's Jay Maguire, everyone. Jay Maguire.

Speaker 99 All right. Here we go.

Speaker 69 Yeah, shut up, Connie.

Speaker 183 Jesus Christ, this fucking douchebag, he's already go fucking talking shit. I can't.
Sam, we're going to talk ancient occult later. Yeah, for sure, for sure.
Tony's looking at me.

Speaker 177 Yeah, yeah, I get it. Shut the fuck up.
Here we go.

Speaker 183 All right. So,

Speaker 183 Tony,

Speaker 183 you look and sound like if uh

Speaker 183 uh what is this? I drank way too much tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.
Tony looks and sounds like if Woody Allen fucked Woody Harrelson and shot out Woody from Toy Story.

Speaker 183 Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, Sam likes it.
There you go.

Speaker 8 I'm uncomfortable.

Speaker 87 Yeah, yeah, I'm uncomfortable too.

Speaker 183 The fact this cunt's got fucking seven thrones and a golden Rolex on. So we'll go for that.
Yeah, don't look at me like that. You've got a ponytail on a part.
We're We're not doing this right now.

Speaker 76 All right.

Speaker 183 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 101 So, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 72 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 117 All right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 31 Great.

Speaker 183 Shouldn't have drank this much. Yeah.

Speaker 75 Awesome. All right.

Speaker 145 I'm going to stop you there.

Speaker 161 Jay Maguire.

Speaker 67 My goodness gracious.

Speaker 114 Did you prepare anything for this?

Speaker 8 I did.

Speaker 183 I got hammered and got a rib broken yesterday.

Speaker 153 So.

Speaker 19 Oh, my God.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 81 How did you break your rib yesterday?

Speaker 27 uh some cunt fucking punched me that's what happened okay so well exactly what made the uh cunt punch you

Speaker 183 well he owed the other cunt money and he was a smaller cunt so i stepped in for you know the smaller cunt

Speaker 17 okay yeah red band smoke a fucking cigarette you need it all right i love it you're like a bad roaster tim butterly first of all excellent set uh

Speaker 183 yeah yeah first time in a year and a half. And I'm fucking for sure.

Speaker 169 Could you get the breathalyzer?

Speaker 9 Really quickly, would you mind looking at that brick wall over there really quickly?

Speaker 49 This is going to take a second.

Speaker 82 Look at that brick wall over there.

Speaker 183 I'm used to doing that with a blonde-eyed, blue-eyed cunt. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Turn your color to the right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 153 Gotcha.

Speaker 9 I have a specific question, and this would really help me.

Speaker 165 Okay. So look.

Speaker 9 Yeah, just look at that wall. And is this mark from a woman using a lit cigarette to defend herself?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 9 Please look over there.

Speaker 9 Dude, this is the only thing that might be funny about this.

Speaker 183 Sam, can you get into this? Because he's bombing at this point as bad as I rush.

Speaker 72 Oh my God.

Speaker 96 Jay, you are the worst.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 62 How much do you think you drank, Jay?

Speaker 183 I drank way too much, Tony. If I knew Sam was here, we'd be talking about ancient texts and occult shit.

Speaker 14 Wow, look at your fan base, Sam.

Speaker 67 I remember 18 and a half years ago when I started and you took me to La Jolla to open for you and you were the first guy I ever saw do an hour I thought to myself I want to be like him when I grow up I want to be like Sam Tripoli and now I'm here to tell you

Speaker 16 I am so glad I didn't end up

Speaker 17 okay here we go let's do the breathalyzer ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 106 God this guy looks like a fucking coked up gremlin yeah yeah look at this piece of shit what do we got I blew better than her fake ticks so let's keep it moving we We got nothing there, Heidi.

Speaker 110 Hold on.

Speaker 110 What happened?

Speaker 117 Yeah, yeah. Shut up.

Speaker 60 That can't be right.

Speaker 109 Okay, well.

Speaker 184 Or it can be right, and he's not drunk and just sucks.

Speaker 45 Keep blowing.

Speaker 70 We have to teach Heidi how to use this thing before the next episode.

Speaker 81 What do we got?

Speaker 83 Okay, well, let's just skip it.

Speaker 94 Zero, it's Pero.

Speaker 183 Mothership should afford a better fucking breathalyzer, right?

Speaker 45 Wow, you are the worst of all time.

Speaker 96 You're just

Speaker 96 horrible.

Speaker 163 All right, go ahead. There he goes.

Speaker 145 I love it.

Speaker 90 All right, you get nothing. Jay McGuire, there you go.

Speaker 92 Put the mic in the mic, Sam.

Speaker 183 Yeah, thanks, Sony.

Speaker 97 All right, pal.

Speaker 126 I got shit face for this.

Speaker 86 You're okay.

Speaker 86 All right.

Speaker 60 Thank you, Jay. There you go, buddy.

Speaker 30 All right, fist bump from Sam.

Speaker 55 Sam. My people.

Speaker 155 God.

Speaker 27 That guy.

Speaker 76 Man, I just wish I could talk to Sam for a while I was good.

Speaker 8 Bro, that guy would kill somebody for me, so I'm fine with that.

Speaker 24 It would that would be the only way he could kill

Speaker 81 is a human.

Speaker 53 All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ram B, everybody.

Speaker 55 Let's see what happens with Ram B.

Speaker 11 Hell yeah.

Speaker 30 One more time for Ram B, everyone.

Speaker 170 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 147 Yeah.

Speaker 170 It's getting a good look at all the people who are going to try to shit on my dreams tonight.

Speaker 124 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 170 It's crazy. So I was in the Walgreens recently

Speaker 170 getting some beer and some cigarettes to kind of fuel me shitting on my dreams.

Speaker 170 And it said,

Speaker 170 get vaccinated, get rewarded.

Speaker 135 I was like, whoa, rewarded?

Speaker 101 Shit, I got to go check this out.

Speaker 82 Right?

Speaker 170 And I said, well, rewarded with what?

Speaker 10 AIDS?

Speaker 27 You know what I mean?

Speaker 170 Like, yeah, let me get two scoops of AIDS.

Speaker 170 Let's see. Let me get some autism sprinkles on there.

Speaker 101 Baby girl, what you want?

Speaker 170 Okay, my daughter, she wants two scoops of autism. Throw some measles on there.
Yeah, measles syrup. Thank you.
Yeah, it'd be great.

Speaker 170 I was thinking, what if DMX was your AI and couldn't answer your question? It'd be like, dog, that's my man's in them, but I can't answer your question because that would make me a snitch.

Speaker 170 Thank you.

Speaker 171 God damn.

Speaker 68 Yo, what's up, Ram B?

Speaker 85 This is your second time on the show, am I right?

Speaker 147 Third, yeah.

Speaker 170 Yeah, I was on the bags and boxes when the uh the bags and boxes, and then got a little, and uh, then uh, after that, hey, so was I, we're reunited.

Speaker 162 Look at that.

Speaker 127 That was Shane, yeah.

Speaker 78 You remember him, yes, sir. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Welcome back.

Speaker 79 What did we learn about you and your interviews before Ram B?

Speaker 170 Yeah, I lived in Wisconsin for a long time. I lived in Arizona for a long time.
I think I talked about

Speaker 170 the

Speaker 170 Excel Ring thing.

Speaker 40 You have a fantastic voice.

Speaker 78 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 170 Yeah, I sang one time on a here.

Speaker 121 You did? What did you say?

Speaker 170 Yeah, original song.

Speaker 170 It was on the Bags and Boxes episode right after Bags and Boxes. I was right after Jay Legend and sang that.
Yeah. I sucked or Jay sucked.

Speaker 82 You're good.

Speaker 27 You can't let the audience affect you.

Speaker 78 Yo, I don't care.

Speaker 170 But yeah, so that was a fun episode, though. I'll tell you that.
That was hilarious to me at least.

Speaker 18 Has anything happened since then, since those episodes came out?

Speaker 85 Has Kill Tony changed your life in any way?

Speaker 170 I've had some cool people come up to me and, you know, and people, you know, congratulated me and stuff.

Speaker 170 There was a cat.

Speaker 170 I was walking down the street, actually, about a week ago, and a dude just stopped me. He's like, hey,

Speaker 170 it's 6th Street.

Speaker 10 So I'm a little like, hey, motherfucker,

Speaker 170 fuck, you know? And he was like, I saw you on Kill Tony, man. Keep it going.

Speaker 170 I thought you're funny as fuck, you know. So that felt good.
That was cool.

Speaker 113 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 24 Okay, so no, not really anything as effective

Speaker 59 as though, other than vagrants yelling at you on the streets. Pretty much.

Speaker 170 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was cool.

Speaker 81 But yeah, you know, comedy is going good.

Speaker 22 What do you do for work? Yeah.

Speaker 170 I'm actually don't have a job right now, but I was working at a rhymes with rectum.

Speaker 170 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 101 So what? Cost

Speaker 135 call center.

Speaker 170 Call center that rhymes with rectum.

Speaker 109 Spectrum.

Speaker 170 Ah, you said it.

Speaker 94 Pediatric spectrum. Dude to nothing.

Speaker 81 So,

Speaker 49 how long ago did you lose this job?

Speaker 170 Well, I quit about three weeks ago.

Speaker 153 What made you quit?

Speaker 170 They wanted me to sell. This is going to sound crazy, but they wanted me to sell.

Speaker 9 I couldn't show up unless they said candyman in the mirror three times.

Speaker 155 You wouldn't do it.

Speaker 76 You wouldn't do it.

Speaker 24 Candyman is what the clerk at 7-Eleven calls red band.

Speaker 166 Oh, there it is. The Candyman is back again.

Speaker 103 Oh, look who's back in the Candyman, Brian Redban.

Speaker 166 Oh, with the funny sound effects on Kiltoni and the inappropriate questions to the ladies.

Speaker 5 Where's your cot now?

Speaker 185 The candyman cat.

Speaker 101 Too much.

Speaker 10 The candyman can.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 112 All right. What the fuck were we just talking about?

Speaker 101 Oh, yeah, the job. I got how I quit.

Speaker 170 Well, the reason I quit the job was because they wanted me to sell to people who were calling for deceased people and and just the stress of the job it was something i want to do and i'm like yo i'm not doing that look at you a man appreciate it you know i mean i'm just being real you know so they wanted you to sell explain to me what what do you mean by like okay so you know you supposed if somebody calls you know you supposed to uh you know try to retain them as a customer right yeah and so basically i was like nah you know i'm not you know or no i'm not doing that because they're calling for somebody who's dead you know like this isn't even a relative.

Speaker 170 I felt like, nah, I'm not getting into all that. You know, I'd be mad if somebody called me, like, you know, my daddy died or something.

Speaker 170 I'll be pretty pissed if they were like, you were still on Spectrum.

Speaker 3 I'd be like, hey, fuck you, buddy.

Speaker 170 You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

Speaker 114 So they wanted to have deceased people continue to pay for Spectrum.

Speaker 106 Pretty much.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 5 Democratic voters.

Speaker 17 That's exactly what I was just going to say.

Speaker 75 That is incredible.

Speaker 28 I mean, I didn't realize.

Speaker 84 No, it's great. I didn't realize.

Speaker 67 I didn't realize fucking Nancy Pelosi was running Spectrum.

Speaker 136 That's incredible.

Speaker 125 Every vote they can get.

Speaker 170 Actually, like sometimes on the phone, man, I actually wanted to be like that. I was at DMX.
I actually wanted to get like that on the phone. Like, fuck you.

Speaker 170 I don't care if you keep Spectrum because the customers is, you know. You know what I mean?

Speaker 170 It was really that bad to where I wanted to cuss the customers out. You know what I mean?

Speaker 27 You have that little recording thing on your thing?

Speaker 85 You can get a moment if I had them say something?

Speaker 90 You don't have it? Oh, okay.

Speaker 170 I mean, you could take the audio. What do you want me to say?

Speaker 84 Just say, what's up, bitches?

Speaker 33 This is Kill Tony.

Speaker 145 What's up, bitches? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 60 I don't want you to try to do anything or anything.

Speaker 106 I like your style, the exact way that you talk.

Speaker 18 Just do it normal.

Speaker 170 Say the exact words again, actually. Because I've done voiceovers.
I'm trying to make sure.

Speaker 83 Go, ladies and gentlemen and motherfuckers, this is Kill Tony.

Speaker 170 Yo, ladies and gentlemen and motherfuckers,

Speaker 170 this is Kill Tony.

Speaker 109 Perfect.

Speaker 61 Absolutely perfect.

Speaker 16 Your set was terrible, but your voice is so amazing.

Speaker 24 I'm giving you a big joke book.

Speaker 17 Ram B, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 152 It's my second one.

Speaker 100 I appreciate you, bro.

Speaker 16 You got it.

Speaker 14 You can sell one when you run out of money next week.

Speaker 186 This is a test of the Reese's broadcast system. If you're currently eating Reese's, this is just a test.
Continue living the dream.

Speaker 13 If you aren't, oh boy, drop what you're doing.

Speaker 186 Go. Get Reese's.
Now, do not stay calm.

Speaker 13 Push people out of the way.

Speaker 179 As a raider scavenging a derelict world, you settle into an underground settlement.

Speaker 179 But now you must return to the surface,

Speaker 179 where Ark machines roam.

Speaker 179 If you're brave enough, who knows what you might find? Ark Raiders, a multiplayer extraction adventure video game. Buy now for PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X and S, and PC.
Rated T for team.

Speaker 53 All right, we're gonna keep it moving along real quick here.

Speaker 14 Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Friedman, your final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 10 One more time.

Speaker 39 Alex Friedman, everybody.

Speaker 82 Clap your hands for Alex.

Speaker 184 Man, I gotta tell you, I've been trying to get myself out more often. And I met a girl who told me, oh my god, it's so nice to finally meet a sweet Filipino guy.
There's only one problem.

Speaker 109 I ain't Filipino.

Speaker 184 But I didn't tell her that.

Speaker 126 I was like, yeah, I love bamboo. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 133 It's my favorite fruit.

Speaker 184 And Manny Pacquiao, he's my cousin, father.

Speaker 184 So I suck at dating, especially because I have social anxiety.

Speaker 4 So I go to orgies.

Speaker 184 Yeah, you know, people often ask me, aren't you afraid of getting drugged?

Speaker 126 I'm like, what are you kidding me? That's what I'm there for.

Speaker 132 I'm holding out my cup like I'm asking for loose change.

Speaker 133 Please, I need to be drugged if I'm going to be here.

Speaker 132 And if you're trying to fuck me, so do you.

Speaker 187 Oh, it's true, though. You know, I've been to a lot of orgies in the past.

Speaker 184 And the weirdest one I've ever been to, the place was empty. Not even Diddy was there.

Speaker 187 But all the way in the back, there were these two old people just going at it.

Speaker 184 It was like seeing Betty White getting pile dragged by Joe Biden.

Speaker 184 You're welcome for that image, by the way.

Speaker 184 But then this other guy, he walks in and he's like, oh, God.

Speaker 184 Why does it smell like broken dreams and disappointment? It basically smells like the Democratic National Convention.

Speaker 133 The old guy, he was like.

Speaker 60 All right, all right, Alex.

Speaker 44 That's good enough.

Speaker 127 Good stuff.

Speaker 45 How are you, Alex? Hey, I'm good.

Speaker 156 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 184 This is my first time on the show.

Speaker 126 You're adorable.

Speaker 81 Look at you. How old are you?

Speaker 184 I'm 33.

Speaker 77 33?

Speaker 87 Wow, look at you.

Speaker 125 What do you do for work, Alex?

Speaker 187 Well, I'm a software engineer.

Speaker 184 I gotta tell you, I've seen some weird shit on people's computers. They got incest, bestiality, open-night schedules.

Speaker 126 Truly terrifying stuff.

Speaker 54 Look at you. You're ready for this, Alex.

Speaker 39 How long have you been doing doing stand-up?

Speaker 187 About 10 months.

Speaker 26 10 months.

Speaker 143 Unbelievable.

Speaker 26 Amazing.

Speaker 143 Tell us more about you, Alex. Look at your big goofy eyes.

Speaker 9 Alex looks like if the police hired a sketch artist that used to work for Pixar.

Speaker 21 Hey, you know what?

Speaker 72 I take it as a compliment.

Speaker 67 Tell us about your life, Alex Friedman.

Speaker 31 All right, okay.

Speaker 74 All right, here we go.

Speaker 184 I was adopted from Peru.

Speaker 184 My mom is from Queens. My dad is from Cuba.

Speaker 184 And well, I was raised in New York City.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 90 All right.

Speaker 62 How long have you been here for?

Speaker 187 I've been in Austin for about less than a day now.

Speaker 75 I just flew in today.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 184 Yeah, from a wedding in Chicago, but I came here. I left early because you guys are my family.

Speaker 143 Wow, look at you.

Speaker 6 Oh, well. Well, we kind of just met.

Speaker 8 Let's kind of feel this out first.

Speaker 75 This is incredible.

Speaker 86 He has the Verizon eyebrows I was talking about earlier look at look at those things

Speaker 68 oh my goodness Alex what made you start 10 months ago at 33 years old well Mama Coco passed away

Speaker 175 hey don't you talk shit about Coco

Speaker 126 no but so

Speaker 139 I was working remote as a game developer for like the longest time and you don't get to meet anybody speaking of games you look like Super Mario true hey tell me about about it.

Speaker 184 You know, the worst part is every time I come, it sounds like...

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 24 My God, you have the delivery of someone that's so much funnier than you.

Speaker 29 You have this crisp, confident delivery.

Speaker 54 Like

Speaker 35 the substance isn't quite there, but your energy is amazing.

Speaker 33 I love it.

Speaker 87 Thank you. I appreciate it.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 153 Jump for us a couple times.

Speaker 62 Jump up.

Speaker 34 Wow, Red Band's comedic timing is incredible.

Speaker 161 Do the small jump

Speaker 128 jump

Speaker 15 again

Speaker 43 You have to wait till he does it.

Speaker 93 You have the benefit of looking at him.

Speaker 96 Hey, you're giving me a workout on him.

Speaker 110 There you go.

Speaker 75 Heidi bring out the turtle.

Speaker 37 I love it.

Speaker 70 Switch hands with the microphone.

Speaker 71 Alex, what's your love life like?

Speaker 85 You seem like the kind of guy that'll fuck absolutely anything.

Speaker 145 Oh, man.

Speaker 98 Love life, I haven't found love yet.

Speaker 187 Yeah, I've dated around quite a while, and

Speaker 184 it hasn't worked out, so I'm taking a break.

Speaker 69 You're a sweet guy.

Speaker 156 Have you ever kissed a girl in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 87 No, not yet.

Speaker 168 You want to?

Speaker 16 Is there a girl out there that'll give Alex Friedman a kiss?

Speaker 16 Anybody?

Speaker 161 Oh, there's one. Look at this.

Speaker 73 come on up sweetheart

Speaker 138 look at this she thought about it and everything oh my god

Speaker 93 some hot chicks coming up here tonight this is incredible we tap out

Speaker 184 you're really putting me on the spot here why what's wrong you're gay no absolutely not

Speaker 93 what do you mean i'm putting you on this spot you're not excited right now No, no, no, no, dude.

Speaker 31 I've just never done this before.

Speaker 122 It's really easy.

Speaker 8 You just slow and then you just shoot your tongue right in.

Speaker 6 Real quick before she gets

Speaker 103 the fly is.

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for this beautiful lady?

Speaker 73 Two in one night.

Speaker 16 This is the boys' first Texas kiss.

Speaker 72 The adorable, big-eyed Alex Friedman.

Speaker 114 And what's your name, sweetheart?

Speaker 99 Tylene.

Speaker 135 What is it? Tylene.

Speaker 64 Tylin?

Speaker 145 She might have a dick, dude.

Speaker 151 Just call me Ty.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 101 Ladies. Nice to meet you.

Speaker 88 Oh, my God.

Speaker 35 He is so adorable.

Speaker 28 It's very nice to meet you, he said.

Speaker 139 And now, will you give this sweet boy a real kiss?

Speaker 167 Show him how it's done in Texas.

Speaker 167 Wow.

Speaker 98 Unbelievable. What a fucking...

Speaker 16 What an evening we've had here tonight.

Speaker 73 Best thing you can.

Speaker 8 Rich. He's got some Bollywood pussy, bro.

Speaker 163 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 94 Hell yeah. And look at you.

Speaker 29 And who knows?

Speaker 81 Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Speaker 187 What can I say?

Speaker 118 Look at that.

Speaker 6 I mean,

Speaker 60 how do you feel right now?

Speaker 101 You know what? I feel good.

Speaker 184 I feel excited.

Speaker 98 This is awesome to be around here with all of you people, you beautiful people. This is a beautiful crowd.

Speaker 73 And we've got some really awesome hosts.

Speaker 16 Stand up straight. Stand up straight.
Stand up straight.

Speaker 16 You did it all tonight, Alex. Congratulations.

Speaker 86 Alex Friedman, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 161 A wild, adorable boy.

Speaker 16 Alex, here's a big joke book.

Speaker 18 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 14 You didn't catch that, but you probably have HPV now after that kiss.

Speaker 75 Congratulations.

Speaker 123 How do you feel, Alex? You good? He's hard.

Speaker 6 Come on. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 157 Look at that dick, dude.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 158 Alex, you're one of the first comedians we've ever.

Speaker 168 You said you've been jerked off in Austin yet.

Speaker 117 You know what?

Speaker 132 Danny, get back out here.

Speaker 184 I bet you can't wait to slide down this flagpole.

Speaker 75 Hey.

Speaker 184 See me after the show.

Speaker 187 I've got some special gold coins just for you.

Speaker 167 Alex, nothing you say makes any sense, but you say it with such conviction.

Speaker 40 It's incredible.

Speaker 30 You are amazing, Alex.

Speaker 29 Thank you.

Speaker 114 Tell us one more, before I let you go, I just find you to be so compelling.

Speaker 63 Tell us one more fun fact about your life.

Speaker 25 Like, you have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything like that?

Speaker 126 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 184 I've been playing guitar for the past 20 years.

Speaker 81 Okay, what else other than playing guitar?

Speaker 82 All right, aside from playing guitar, I also earned a black belt in Kenpo.

Speaker 3 You have what?

Speaker 187 A black belt on Kenpo. I've also been doing...

Speaker 136 Can you show us? Can you put the mic in the mic stand and the joke book in your pocket in the erection away?

Speaker 167 And

Speaker 43 can you show us a little bit?

Speaker 14 Can you give us a little air karate?

Speaker 17 Let's do a little fucking

Speaker 93 nice and easy, Michael.

Speaker 29 Come on.

Speaker 43 No, show us.

Speaker 19 No, show us your fighting for real.

Speaker 43 Put the joke book in your fucking pocket.

Speaker 68 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 115 Whoa.

Speaker 88 Oh my god.

Speaker 109 All right.

Speaker 22 Whoa.

Speaker 161 You're a black belt?

Speaker 138 Come on. Seriously.

Speaker 52 Pretend like someone's trying to beat you up in front of you.

Speaker 138 Show us some fucking moves, dude.

Speaker 131 Some kata.

Speaker 27 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 31 Whoa, okay.

Speaker 38 Alright, and he's whipping.

Speaker 70 Whoa, oh, oh, my goodness.

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 80 Turns out I can beat the shit out of a black belt.

Speaker 66 It's incredible.

Speaker 16 What an amazing night tonight is.

Speaker 73 Alright, there he goes, Alex Friedman.

Speaker 110 Alright, go.

Speaker 16 Get out of here, you little pewdie pie. You sweet little fucking

Speaker 59 baked butter bean you.

Speaker 52 What a night it's been, ladies and gentlemen, and I gotta tell you, there's only one way to end a show like this.

Speaker 16 But

Speaker 169 there's gonna have to be two ways to end a show like this because we got word today that the great William Montgomery is sick, everyone.

Speaker 60 So the big red machine, the American hero, is nowhere to be found.

Speaker 81 However, we went

Speaker 59 to Eastern Europe

Speaker 110 and we found an undeniable force that without a doubt is perhaps one of the biggest stars ever in Kill Tony history.

Speaker 52 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matthi.

Speaker 145 What's up?

Speaker 124 So I just found out

Speaker 100 that Tranny is a slur.

Speaker 126 I didn't know that.

Speaker 100 I'm just shortening the word.

Speaker 100 I'm not trying to offend you. I'm trying to save time.

Speaker 100 Like if there's an active shura behind you,

Speaker 124 I'm not going to be like ho they

Speaker 124 them

Speaker 146 no I'm gonna be like Trini get down to the gunny gun

Speaker 126 and I've been to Thailand

Speaker 100 have you ever been sir man they're good

Speaker 124 They trick you.

Speaker 100 You can tell no matter how close you get.

Speaker 100 I mean, you can tell.

Speaker 100 But you can tell when it's too late.

Speaker 100 You can tell when you eat their pussy.

Speaker 100 And it tastes like dick.

Speaker 100 But so what? Shit happened to me.

Speaker 184 So what?

Speaker 108 Fuck you.

Speaker 134 They got me.

Speaker 100 They got me.

Speaker 100 It is what it is. I'm a straight man.
I take it on the chin. I move on.

Speaker 100 Like if you fuck a tranny and you have to go through an existential fucking crisis,

Speaker 76 you gay.

Speaker 100 If I go to bed with a lady and I wake up, it's a dude. You know what I do? I give you a fist bump and I say touche.

Speaker 73 GG.

Speaker 98 You got me.

Speaker 108 That's how straight I am. I can fuck a dude and feel nothing, dude.

Speaker 100 The mind is more powerful than the body.

Speaker 100 Thank you so much. Thank you.

Speaker 110 Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 110 Oh

Speaker 110 my God.

Speaker 17 What a fucking star.

Speaker 97 Holy shit.

Speaker 29 You've done it again.

Speaker 153 His work ethic, his writing, his execution.

Speaker 30 This guy works harder than everybody in the city, by the way.

Speaker 37 I'm out almost every fucking night of the week doing a few spots, and this motherfucker's doing five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Speaker 85 Non-stop new material.

Speaker 20 Non-stop fucking.

Speaker 140 I mean, you are just out of this world.

Speaker 100 I didn't know how far to go with that joke.

Speaker 100 Like, should I just keep going?

Speaker 87 Keep going.

Speaker 73 Just like, no, not now. But I mean,

Speaker 100 not now, but I mean, like, I don't know. Yeah, I didn't know what the end of that joke is.
I was just feeling it out, like,

Speaker 100 there's no end.

Speaker 24 There's the random audience member is correct.

Speaker 68 In your ass, that's what you're feeling out.

Speaker 84 There is no end.

Speaker 71 Unbelievable fucking stuff.

Speaker 68 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 85 The shortening of the word to get to tranny is so funny.

Speaker 45 It's right there.

Speaker 24 Immediately when you said that, I'm like, wow, just such a perfect execution of a tranny joke.

Speaker 22 Amazing.

Speaker 14 What is your writing process like?

Speaker 68 Like, what do you do?

Speaker 140 You sit down and try to think of it?

Speaker 62 You start with a thing and take it on stage?

Speaker 100 How does it work? It is hard. It's not a sit-down art, you know? Because always the stuff that you write down, you think you're like George Carlin, you know?

Speaker 100 And then you try it on stage, it always bombs. Because you try to be too clever with it, you know? Sometimes you just got to let it go.
Just got to riff, dude.

Speaker 4 Yell tranny, dude.

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 136 Have you been watching any of tonight's show?

Speaker 21 Did you? Sadly, not.

Speaker 100 What has happened?

Speaker 136 It's been a lot of crazy shit.

Speaker 100 Damn. Okay, okay.

Speaker 25 Yeah, there's been a lot.

Speaker 33 We had an Australian with a bad attitude.

Speaker 100 I don't like Australians. It's an island that was never supposed to be found.

Speaker 98 It's true.

Speaker 101 It was an Atlantis that should have been undiscovered, dude.

Speaker 72 Horrible people, horrible accent.

Speaker 45 It's absolutely true.

Speaker 100 It was supposed to be a prison, you know, Australia by the British.

Speaker 94 British, yeah.

Speaker 9 Always literally easier to understand the Australian guys.

Speaker 31 I know, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 118 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 98 Oh, my God. Yeah.

Speaker 100 Get off your fucking quad bike, you racist piece of shit.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 101 They're always so like, oh,

Speaker 94 everything's so fucking cool, dude.

Speaker 110 Is it?

Speaker 113 We had a couple...

Speaker 45 A couple wild characters.

Speaker 23 It was a lady that had two vaginas inside of her vagina.

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 86 Yes.

Speaker 85 Have you ever heard of something quite this magical?

Speaker 39 Two vagina.

Speaker 100 Is it like two holes, too?

Speaker 24 Well, that's what we were wondering.

Speaker 154 It turns out there's two holes inside of the main hole.

Speaker 56 Almost like

Speaker 125 a backpack has a...

Speaker 100 So two dicks go in and one is like, I'll go this way.

Speaker 56 Next to the cauliflower.

Speaker 31 Yeah. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 100 Like two uteruses, too, that you can get like double pregnant.

Speaker 82 One uterus. One is black, one is white.

Speaker 9 Two surfaces, one uterus.

Speaker 154 That's actually a great question.

Speaker 20 I guess you can only get her pregnant once, but I'm guessing the likelihood of twins perhaps is increased.

Speaker 136 I'm just kidding. That doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 100 That doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 88 Maybe one tiny twin.

Speaker 93 An NBA player and a midget.

Speaker 149 Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

Speaker 30 Wow, that's a topical reference.

Speaker 43 Good job.

Speaker 107 Red Band referencing the 1989 movie Twins, everyone.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 24 Red Band. You know what?

Speaker 43 I'm going to book you on The Secret Show this Thursday.

Speaker 14 You get to do a spot on The Secret Show.

Speaker 158 Amazing.

Speaker 140 And take this and shove it up your ass.

Speaker 57 Ari, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here?

Speaker 100 Oh, yeah, we were delayed. Well, the flight was...

Speaker 100 You know, everyone knows how I hate Southwest Airlines.

Speaker 100 It's insane. It's insane what's happening, how the flights are canceled all the time.
So me and Martin Phillips.

Speaker 84 Yes,

Speaker 24 he was on earlier, by the way, and he was telling us about some major gate changes that you guys went through.

Speaker 100 Oh, fuck, I should have listened. Like, how did he tell that?

Speaker 43 Let's just hear your version, and it's great because it'll bookend the episode.

Speaker 70 We started with Martin, we're finishing with you.

Speaker 134 Okay, so yeah, they changed the well, okay.

Speaker 78 First of all,

Speaker 100 we get to the main gate. It's one of these, I don't know, Vegas airport, you know, it's like that small center and then these fucking spider islands.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 100 so Martin's behind me, he's always behind me.

Speaker 108 I wait up, I wait up, but he's behind me.

Speaker 81 So he's back in.

Speaker 100 There's a train that takes you to different gates, right? So on the train, I see a TSA employee just before the doors close.

Speaker 100 I go to her, I go, oh, we need to go to B26, whatever the fuck, how far is that? And she sees Martin behind me, the two of us. Martin is, you know, how much he sweats and he moves.

Speaker 66 He's a fucking machine.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 100 So he's sweaty as fuck. And the lady looks at us both and goes, Oh, you don't need to take the train.
It's just a 15-minute walk.

Speaker 100 And then the doors close, and I look at Martin like, fuck!

Speaker 100 So then, what we do is, you know, you know, Martin can always, at any airport, he can just call assistance, and then a black guy will help him.

Speaker 184 It's always a black guy.

Speaker 100 We have the wheelchair but no black right

Speaker 126 and the flight you know boarding is starting soon

Speaker 100 so Martin just looks at the wheelchair he goes I'll just hop on the wheelchair you push me I'm like fuck yeah

Speaker 100 so we're going through the airport and I've never pushed a wheelchair before and the way chicks

Speaker 100 Are looking at you when you got a guy in a wheelchair, dude.

Speaker 100 Woo!

Speaker 100 we had the wheelchair martin had the dog triple threat dude

Speaker 73 pussy nation

Speaker 73 pussy nation

Speaker 100 wow boom we get to the gate and then my favorite part was when Martin gets to the gate and everyone's you know we have to go past everyone I'm like get the fuck

Speaker 100 So I push Martin up, and then to see all these other people. I mean, of course, it's Vegas, so there's fucking seven people with wheelchairs.
We go past them, dude.

Speaker 176 They don't need it.

Speaker 100 And then to see the people's hook when just Martin stands up and just goes on the plane.

Speaker 72 Priceless, dude.

Speaker 75 A miracle.

Speaker 45 I love it. Ari, you are a freak of nature.

Speaker 16 One of the best in the history of the show.

Speaker 16 You can do better than that. That's the Estonian Assassin, ladies and gentlemen.
You're witnessing a shooting star.

Speaker 157 What a fucking episode.

Speaker 16 Sam Tripoli, everybody. The first guy to ever take me out on the road.
Tim Butterly, one of the newest residents to Austin, Texas.

Speaker 157 They are two of the best comedians in the world.

Speaker 12 Samtripoli.com, TimButterly.com for tickets.

Speaker 53 If you ever see them anywhere near you, make sure you see them live.

Speaker 147 They are unbelievable.

Speaker 70 Sam Tripoli has a new special.

Speaker 12 It's Sam Tripoli Comedy on YouTube.

Speaker 14 He's always dropping specials.

Speaker 44 Always amazing stuff happening in their podcasts.

Speaker 81 Are incredible.

Speaker 18 Tinfoil Hat, Deep Waters, fucking broken

Speaker 12 simulations.

Speaker 65 And Tim Butterly has...

Speaker 103 Dad meat and the Tim Butterly show.

Speaker 14 The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in, and it is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 70 That is indeed Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly.

Speaker 43 Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there.

Speaker 14 Oh, it's Elaine, everyone.

Speaker 60 The legendary Elaine.

Speaker 145 Shadow.

Speaker 29 How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land?

Speaker 16 Here's a few tickets still available for the

Speaker 45 New Year's Eve.

Speaker 39 Festivities kill Tony live from the Moody Center, the biggest arena in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 72 Little, little,

Speaker 29 you know,

Speaker 85 six, seven, eight thousand seat upgrade from the legendary HEB Center, and it's right here downtown.

Speaker 28 So if you want to plan a hell of a trip, that's the place to be on New Year's Eve, I would say, without a doubt.

Speaker 62 Did you guys have fun tonight, huh?

Speaker 146 Red man?

Speaker 16 Check out the Secret Drill every Thursday at theSunsetStripATX.com.

Speaker 16 God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 189 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 189 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 179 Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan are back in Disney's Freakier Friday, now streaming on Disney Plus.

Speaker 10 We switched bodies.

Speaker 96 I am freaking out right now.

Speaker 165 I think I just peed a little.

Speaker 179 It's an absolute riot.

Speaker 179 And the only movie that can be described as so much weirder than the last time.

Speaker 38 What last time?

Speaker 179 It's the frequel. You ready? We've been waiting for.

Speaker 189 That absolutely slays.

Speaker 179 Disney's Freakier Friday, now streaming on Disney Plus. Rated PG.

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Speaker 178 This podcast is supported by NEON, presenting the documentary Orwell 2 plus 2 equals 5.

Speaker 178 From Raul Peck, director of the Academy Award-nominated film, I Am Not Your Negro, comes a cinematic portrait of George Orwell, visionary writer of such literary classics as Animal Farm and 1984, made in association with the Orwell Estate, an official selection of the Cannes Film Festival.

Speaker 178 Orwell, 2 plus 2 equals 5. Now available on digital.