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What's up, Los Angeles?

Welcome to Love It or Leave It live.

It's Dynasty Typewriter.

The Trump administration is blocking all international students from Harvard.

A bad day for the rule of law.

A great day for Americans who are part of the waitlist community.

Waitlisted Americans, treated like pariahs, their stress and sadness often ignored.

Who will speak for waitlisted Americans?

Could it be someone who is waitlisted by Harvard, Stanford, and Yale?

Twice?

Twice.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Paul Feig is here.

Aisha Tyler is here.

We'll toast some wedding dilemmas, cure the crisis of our most deranged audience members, members, then reveal their greatest crimes.

But first, let's get into it.

What a week.

On Sunday, former President Joe Biden announced that he had been diagnosed with Sage 4 prostate cancer, which had metastasized to his bones.

Now, before we go forward with this section of the monologue, we do want everyone here to rest assured this portion will be monitored by the Joke Police, ladies and gentlemen.

The Joke Police

Officer?

President Biden's medical disclosure came amidst a fierce debate over his fitness for office and the decision to seek re-election, sparked by the release of Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson's new book.

Imagine the undetected cancer watching the debate in June from deep within Biden's prostate, amazed that it's not his biggest problem.

I gotta take it.

She got me.

On Friday, Axios released audio from Biden's interview with special counsel Robert Hurr, in which he could be heard struggling to recall when his son died, when he left office as vice president, and when Trump was elected.

And yeah, understandably a bad look, but please never release the audio of literally anyone asking me to recall events from 2018 onward.

What year did I have a skirt phase?

Was it last week?

Who's to say?

Certainly Certainly not me.

David Axerrod suggested on CNN that given Biden's diagnosis, there ought to be a strategic pause in this debate.

Yeah, well, I mean, I think those conversations are going to happen, but they should be more muted and set aside

for now as he's struggling through this.

And we collectively honored that sense of decorum for a beautiful 24 hours, like the Germans and British playing soccer between the trenches on Christmas before getting back to throwing mustard gas at each other

Republicans of course immediately went to conspiracy mode hours after Biden's office announced his diagnosis Don Jr.

wrote on X what I want to know is how did Dr.

Jill Biden miss stage five metastatic cancer or is this yet another cover-up

I don't know what Don Jr.

thinks a healthy marriage requires as he's obviously struggled to find one, but while

a wife regularly rooting around in her husband's asshole is often part of a joyful and successful partnership, it is neither necessary nor sufficient.

Vice President J.D.

Vance was asked about Biden's diagnosis on Monday on his way home from meeting the new Pope.

I will say, whether the right time to have this conversation is now or at some point in the future, we really do need to be honest about whether the former president was capable of doing the job.

Continued Vance, anyway, it seems like the Pope liked me, right?

I think this one likes me.

He did wipe his hands on his vestments after he shook my hand, but everyone does that because of my natural clamminess.

Speaking of having bodies, while testifying before the Senate Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee on Tuesday, Homeland Secretary Christy Noam offered up this definition of habeas corpus.

So, Secretary Noam, what is habeas corpus?

Well, habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to to be able to remove people from this country and suspend their rights to the people.

Let me stop suspending their rights.

Habeas corpus, excuse me, that's incorrect.

She doesn't know what habeas corpus is.

This is not fair to say.

I want to be clear that what I'm about to say is not fair.

But like maybe some of that filler migrated to her brain.

And that doesn't seem right because it's all clearly right where she put it.

I don't know if this is like...

That's intense.

That's like an intense difference

these are different fucking faces

and I don't really want to make this about someone's appearance but a little part of me does in part because she's not like she doesn't know what habeas corpus is but she's doing rounds of dress up to go stand in front of fucking prisoners or to cosplay as an ICE officer meanwhile she has no idea what her constitutional responsibilities are

it's all a big fucking show she also killed a dog once

Tough week of news.

Also, on Tuesday, Secretary of State Marco Rubio had a spicy exchange with Maryland Senator Chris Van Holland over the administration's extra-legal deportations and foreign aid cuts.

I have to tell you directly and personally that I regret voting for you for Secretary of State.

I yield back.

May I respond?

You may sit.

Well, first of all, your regret for voting for me confirms I'm doing a good job based on what I know.

That's just a clip and statement, Mr.

Secretary.

It's like, all right, he's like trying to come up with a comeback, but like, then were you mad he voted for you in the first place?

Was that a sign you didn't do a good job?

If he had been happy with the job that you were doing, you would have been not doing a good job.

So it seems like when you got 98 votes or whatever the fuck you got, that was a problem.

I don't think so.

It's not

I was spun at the time.

Imagine thinking that your humanity would mean anything to Marco Rubio.

To Rubio, Van Hollen is like the people in front of me on the drive-thru line at Starbucks.

Your Your lives mean nothing to me, and your deaths mean even less.

Nevada Senator Jackie Rosen, meanwhile, said she wasn't mad, just disappointed.

Yo, I'm going to embrace my Jewish mother instincts for a moment.

So as a mother, a senator,

and a fellow human being, I can tell you that I'm not even mad anymore about your complicity in this administration's destruction of U.S.

global leadership.

I'm simply disappointed.

And I wonder if you're proud of yourself in this moment when you go home to your family.

And

before you do go home to your family, here's an envelope filled with stamp postcards already addressed to me.

So you could write me if you ever bored and remember I exist.

It's a Jewish grandmother move.

from camp.

They all know this guy.

They actually can't believe it.

It's interesting.

It's interesting to like,

I do think there's like a genuine shock to see someone like Marco Rubio be as depraved, indifferent to the truth, as trumpy as he's become, because I think they expect that from.

The Don Jrs, obviously, the Bannon types all around him.

But Marco Rubio was supposed to be one of the good ones.

They voted for him because they thought, oh, you know what?

Yeah, he's crazy, but he's going to have somebody like Marco Rubio in that job.

We know him.

We know him.

We dealt with him.

He's a reasonable person.

We know him privately.

We know how much he has talked at length about how terrible Donald Trump is.

We know that because he ran against him, because he told you to tell the truth about Donald Trump.

We know that to this day, Marco Rubio still does not in any way go on record saying Donald Trump ought to be in charge of nuclear weapons.

So they think, oh, that'll be our guy.

That'll be someone we can rely on.

So it must be shocking to see him be this person.

But it's a reminder that the real Marco Rubio is not the one that is behind the scenes, that knows that what he's doing is wrong, that tells the truth.

This is the real Marco Rubio.

It's in public when he actually has to say what he stands for.

That's the real him.

And I think that must be shocking for them, but maybe that's because they were a little too comfortable, right?

That they were a little too willing to believe something about someone because they liked him interpersonally.

And maybe that's a weakness on their part.

There's a lot of Jews who thought, well, they're our neighbors.

The Justice Department has reportedly reached.

It's not the same.

It has a similar contour.

The Justice Department has reportedly reached a tentative agreement to pay a $5 million settlement to the family of slain capital rider Ashley Babbitt to be paid for by us, the taxpayers.

And I say it's worth every penny.

Okay.

These nuts.

Two tickets in one show.

Fuck.

On Tuesday, Trump unveiled, I almost got two tickets in the same day for texting while driving.

That's just something that happened to me once.

And I'm the villain.

I'm not saying I deserved it.

I was caught, just caught.

One of them was so bad.

I was just like texting.

It was red.

I was at a red light.

I just look up and there's just a fucking cop.

And how do you say, like, I won't do it again?

Because I'm also saying, please, I just got one of these.

And it's like, well, I obviously didn't learn my, it's like, what's the right story here?

I'll never do it again.

Or do I kind of fall on my sword and say, it's my second one?

Because clearly I didn't learn my lesson from the first one.

Either way, I deserve the ticket.

Don't text and try.

It's very bad.

On Tuesday, Trump unveiled plans to shield America from foreign attacks by building a golden dome, a missile defense shield, which he said would be fully operational by the end of his term, which can only be proven false if his term ends.

So he's got us there.

Let's take a look.

Once fully constructed, the Golden Dome will be capable of intercepting missiles even if they are launched from other sides of the world and even if they are launched from space.

And we will have the best system ever built.

Trump priced the dome at $175 billion, but the Congressional Budget Office estimates it could cost as much as $542 billion.

Not that that would stop Trump.

He's no stranger to paying top dollar for dome.

Speaking of guys with big domes, Trump has called for a major investigation into Bruce Springsteen,

as well as Beyonce, Oprah Wimfrey, and Bono over their support for Kamala Harris in the election.

Trump won.

He got exactly what he wanted, and he's still so mad.

He's like me at the beach.

Said Bruce Springsteen to Bono upon hearing the news: oh no, you too?

Just a warning for that one.

Also, this week, Trump met with South African President Cyril Ramafosa, during which Trump repeated his false claims that there has been mass murders of white Afrikaners, lashing out at Rama Fosa for fact-checking him and played videos meant to support his lies.

What does it take for you to be convinced that there's no white genocide in South Africa?

Well, I can answer that for the president.

I would rather have him answer.

I don't answer.

Our president will respond to you.

Thank you, Mr.

President.

It will take President Trump listening to the voices of South Africans, some of whom are his good friends.

I would say if there was a Frigana farmer genocide, I can bet you these three gentlemen would not be here.

We have thousands of stories talking about it.

We have documentaries, we have news stories.

Turn the lights down and just put this on.

It's right behind you.

This is called uncle maxing, which is when you interrupt a conversation at Thanksgiving to show your niece, who's home from Oberlin, an AI-generated video of Caitlin Jenner beating Riley Gaines in an MMA fight.

Trump also freaked out at NBC's Peter Alexander for asking about the Qatari bribery jet.

It's NBC trying to get off the subject of what you just saw last year.

You're a terrible reporter.

Number one, you don't have what it takes to be a reporter.

You're not smart enough.

But go back.

You ought to go back to your studio at NBC because Brian Roberts and the people that run that place, they ought to be investigated.

They are so terrible the way you run that network.

And you're a disgrace.

No more questions for me.

Go ahead.

Jesus.

No more questions for you.

Off with your heads.

He's like our very own queen of farts.

And again, just for the podcast listeners, you're just missing a lot on the YouTube.

You're missing the

joke police.

We got the queen of farts image.

It's a visual show, too.

This week, the official exit count for Melania Trump revealed that the audiobook version of her memoir, Melania, will be narrated by an AI-generated imitation of her voice.

Those with early access to the recording report that the AI Melania sounds affectless, unnatural, and 100% authentic.

Speaking of modern abominations, Trump put the lien on House Republicans to pass his one big, beautiful bill to throw millions of people off Medicaid in order to pay for tax cuts to the richest human beings on earth.

And what better time to debate this bill than in the middle of the goddamn night?

Here's Congressman Jim McGovern pissed.

This is a farce, an outrageous insult to the people of this country to bring up a 1,000-page bill at 1 o'clock in the morning, a bill that's still being written, by the way, by Republicans as we speak in a back room somewhere, for God's sake.

And then to try to jam it through Congress in the middle of the night when nobody is watching is just unbelievably cynical.

This is why people hate Washington.

Also, the humidity.

As you can imagine, the gerontocracy is not built for pre-dawn committee meetings.

Here's Republican Ralph Norman falling asleep.

Our salary, the lights, and the entire freight of the federal government.

So

we talk about tax fairness and equity.

They have an interesting perspective on that.

He's gone.

He's gone.

When he woke up, he made sure the congressional record reflected that it was a sex dream.

I don't know why.

I don't know why he did that.

Even Republican Tom Massey spoke out against the package.

If something is beautiful, you don't do it after midnight.

I oppose this.

Yeah, that's when the Uggos get their turn to fuck.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Wake up, Ralph.

I'm killing it out here.

What else?

What else?

In the end, Trump and Mike Johnson were victorious, and the bill passed 2.15 to 214 in a vote early Thursday morning with two Republicans voting no, including Massey, and one voting present.

Mike Johnson said Congressman Dave Schweikert and Andrew Garberino missed the vote unintentionally, but would have sided with the GOP and that Garberino didn't vote because he, and this is real, fell asleep.

Andrew Garberino did not make it in time.

He fell asleep in the back.

No kidding.

I know.

I'm going to just strangle him.

i'm just gonna have no choice but to make him pay a price gonna have to wrap my hands around him and squeeze until he begs me to stop

said heterosexual speaker of the house mike johnson

just gonna just strangle him

it's been a bad boy naughty he'll be punished mark my words there'll be hell to pay

johnson's caucus may have been asleep but akeen jeffries has had a bigger bigger challenge.

His caucus is dead.

Three Democratic congresspeople, all past 70 years old, have died in office this year, which means Republicans needed one fewer votes to pass this terrible bill.

In fact, all eight of the most recent senators or members of Congress to die in office have been Democrats.

But where would you have them die?

In their beds, waiting for their children to call, like my parents will?

Such a fuck.

I'll be hearing about that

on my weekly call with my mother.

Here's my plan.

Once a member of Congress reaches the age of 80, we'll just place them outside the Golden Dome to accept whatever fate may bring.

Death or exile beyond the Golden Dome.

According to the Congressional Budget Office, the bill's cuts will likely lead to 13.7 million people losing health insurance by 2034, but the government has a plan to bring down health care costs long before that.

Every American, no matter where they live, gets a free plane ticket to Newark International Airport.

The bill also rapidly phases out a bunch of money for clean energy projects like wind and solar farms, including many that were already being built.

But on the bright side, the Trump administration does have a plan to help each of us reduce our carbon footprint over time.

A free one-way plane ticket to Newark International Airport.

The bill does make good on ending taxes on tips, overtime, and car loan interest,

but only through 2028.

And after that, it's Joe Biden's problem.

The estate of Hollywood legend Orison Wells announced that you can now hear the AI-generated voice of the late actor and director narrate location-based stories for you on the storytelling app StoryRabbit.

Finally, said no one, Orison Wells can narrate my AI-created location-based stories for me on Story Rabbit.

The fuck is that?

Speaking of nightmares, 10,000 baby chicks stranded in a USPS mail truck for three days overwhelmed a Delaware animal shelter.

Some of you ate chicken today.

Kind of fucking bullshit, fake, aesthetic objection.

Several hundred thousand chickens were murdered on purpose today.

Aww?

No.

Nothing.

Caesar raps.

The incident is believed to have snowballed after the intended recipient lost their quacking number.

Wow.

Fucking joke police.

Can't trust them.

When you need them, where are they?

Nowhere.

You know, they're always there when you don't need them.

You need a joke police, nowhere to be fucking found.

4,000 of the chickens that die in the van.

And finally, actor George Went, best known for playing norm on the classic 80 sitcom Cheers, died this week at age 76.

But that's the story of life.

George came.

George Went.

Thank you.

I tell you, under Trump, norms are dying left and right.

All right.

Oh, oh, no.

She's throwing the book at me.

All right.

Coming up, it's Paul Feek and Aisha Tyler.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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And we're back.

She hunts criminal minds.

He needs a simple favor, and I remain criminally simple-minded.

That's not nice.

Please welcome to the stage, Aisha Tyler, and Paul Pete.

Hi.

Welcome.

Thanks for being here.

I'm very excited.

Yay.

Hi.

Oh, I didn't even have to be here.

Come on in.

Hi, everybody.

This is so fancy.

Hello, everybody.

This is fancy.

This is nice.

Love it.

I'm so excited.

You both have liquor brands.

We do.

So we thought we could drink during the show.

Here we go.

I mean, there's always a reason to drink.

Any excuse, right?

Any excuse.

Happy, sad, divorce.

Or marriage.

Or marriage.

I mean, there's really always a reason to drink.

They get you coming and going with alcohol.

They really do.

I mean, is it them or is it you?

I know it's me.

I think it's me.

Yeah.

So,

Asia, you have a company called Losophy.

Yeah.

That's Margarita's.

Yes.

And Paul,

you grew up in a Christian science household.

Yes, I did.

They love alcohol.

Which is found upon.

It's found upon.

And now you try to convince people who might not like, think they don't like gin to try gin, exactly, which is sort of like Christian anti-science or anti-Christian.

It's the other direction.

You're sort of a diabolical, in a sense.

Is there a demon you're fighting, or is this an alcohol brand meant to say something to your parents in some way?

There's something deeper going on.

It means my parents' caskets are hovering over the city right now as they spin in their graves.

Exactly.

No, I just, I have always loved adult culture.

And growing up as a Christian scientist, it was kind of like, well, that's kind of a buzzkill on the stuff I think I want to do when I get older.

Because when I was a kid, I got taken by my parents to Las Vegas.

They went to see a Muhammad Ali fight.

I was only like five and I thought I was going to go with them.

And of course, I was immediately deposited into a nursery, but the nursery was at

the Dunes Hotel.

And it was a sliding glass door that looked out onto the casino floor.

Oh, indoctrinate them early.

Exactly.

Free cigarettes.

Keep the kids calm.

But I remember sitting in there, my face pressed up against the window with all these other stupid kids I didn't know, watching all these adults drinking martinis and smoking and then tuxedos.

And I was like, I want that.

And so

I've never given up on that.

That's so beautiful.

Was your gateway drug out of Christian science Tylenol or Advil?

Coca-Cola.

There you go.

It was science, actually.

It was actual science.

And my mother, very kindly, because she was always very cool,

went, because I got really into science when I was about 14 or 15.

And she said, I know you're going to have a hard time

trying to pick between religion and science.

And I back you up whichever way you want to go.

Oh, that's lovely.

That's very sweet.

That's lovely.

Leaning into the science part of Christian science.

Exactly.

And then she poured me a drink, and

we really had a good time.

Smoke this whole pack of cigarettes in the next 10 minutes.

If you're going the other way, go.

Aisha.

Criminal minds.

Yes.

Is there ever a moment where there's like a plot and you think, no, raid it in.

this has gone too far.

The minds are too criminal.

No, and the horrible thing is it's kind of the opposite.

Like they do so much market research for that show.

Every single story is based in a real story.

So typically I'm just like, there is a guy out there sticking needles up somebody's urethra or whatever it is that week.

I mean, always, always.

Hey, guys, it's science.

Okay.

I didn't make it.

This is science.

It's and so like that's it's more alarming than anything.

Like, like, we're working on something right now, we're filming right now, and they're like, They're like, this is based on that thing.

And I was like, I read that story.

So, it's, yeah, this is always, it's always grounded in real criminal cases.

So, Mandy Batinkin appeared in the first two seasons of Criminal Minds, and he said that

being in Criminal Minds was, quote, destructive to my soul and my personality because he never thought they were going to kill all these women week after week, year after year.

Are you worried about your one precious soul, or is Mandy Batinkin a delicate little Broadway baby?

Porque Porque no los dos.

I mean, I do think you have to work really hard to kind of separate like, you know, the experience at work with your own personal psyche

because the show was super dark.

It is super dark.

But this is weird.

There are real people profiling.

There are real people doing this work.

They are like tracking down serial killers.

They are building these these

files, not just on ones that they've caught, but kind of on the, you know, you guys watch Mine Hunter.

I mean, this is a real job.

So whenever I'm doing it, I think I need to honor the real government employees that are out there trying to keep the rest of us safe.

They exist,

despite the president's, you know, entreaties to the contrary.

And it's a thankless job, and it's very low paying.

And they're trying to keep a bad guy from climbing in your

bedroom window and stealing your

cervix or your foreskin.

I don't know what he's after.

They have very arcane tastes, you know?

Escargo, foreskin, whatever.

Good job trying to steal my foreskin.

You're going to have to go to a hospital on the Upper East side 42 years ago that's you need a time machine to get that bad boy coiled your little plot wait when do we want to come on moil give up the foreskins do we want to oh i guess it was a moil i they didn't even do it in a hospital barbaric and fine

Should we pour?

Should we pour?

I'm also really excited because I've never tried Paul's drink and I'm really excited.

I love gin.

And I haven't tried yours.

And so we're going to, this is going to be a home and a way.

It's good.

To have them both, yeah.

Oh, that's exciting.

All right.

All right, so we've got a margarita.

We've got a margarita.

What kind of gin cocktail are you going to make?

I'm going to make a straight up martini.

Dude, I think we should do your drink first.

Oh, really?

Because I really think a martini is like a party starter.

It is a starting.

Yeah.

And you know what happens when you have one margarita and then two margaritas.

Boyle shows up uninvited.

Gets over this foreskin.

Another foreskin loss.

Exactly.

I sang that song recently.

Did you?

Like at karaoke or to your mom?

No, on the podcast.

It didn't.

I heard about it from my mother.

Oh, I love her so much.

Yeah.

I feel like it's unfinished, the song itself, because you know what I mean?

Like, it only has like the same verse over and over and over again.

And I feel like 12 or 13 margaritas in, like, you know, maybe you've depleted your child's college fund.

Yeah, 14 margaritas, I'm in family court.

Exactly.

15 margaritas, I'm under your bed, you know.

And I'm performing loyal services without a license.

And I'm sucking up.

Making very dry martinis.

Dry martini.

Little, what?

Sorry?

No, what were you going to say?

No, I was just going to say for anybody,

the perfect martini to me is, I should be icing these glasses.

I'm not going to, but generally ice your glasses first.

Everything very cold.

Very, very cold.

It has to be very cold.

But use a very, very small amount of vermouth.

But you have to use vermouth.

A lot of people say, like, oh, just look at the bottle.

Don't put it on.

No, you have to have some because it's like having your being a whiskey lover.

You have to put a little drop into a single malt of water sometimes.

Have it blue.

Open it up.

So that's what you want with this.

So I just did that.

I have a question for you about martinis because I love a classic gin martini, and I feel like something happened over the years.

Two things happened.

One, it became

vodka or gin became an option.

And so you have to say gin martini, which I'm sure vodka

is not a martini.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Vodka is a glass of vodka, you Philistine.

Yes.

Yes.

It's either a martini or a vodka martini.

But if you ask a bartender and they say gin or vodka, you go, and you walk I'm not going to be able to do it.

I did not ask exactly.

He doesn't, he doesn't know what he's doing.

Just call him clown and stomp out.

Yeah, you fucking clown.

You fucking clown.

You fucking clown.

I'll take my business elsewhere, elsewhere.

How dare you when I drink my thing that makes my brain forget?

And then the other thing that I notice is I feel like it became sophisticated to like to say a martini was dry or like an extra dry martini was like a performance of sophistication.

As if ordering a glass of ice-cold gin is more sophisticated than having one with vermouth in it.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's this old thing of like, like Churchill was like, oh, you know, it's so dry.

Look across the room at the bottle, and that's it.

No, it's not really a martini.

But people get mad when you go like up with a twist, but that's how it has to be.

Very dry, up with a twist.

Now, you're trying to make a martini with a microphone.

And if I had this actual skill, I would never leave the house, but that's a whole other.

Thank you so much.

It's a visual joke for those at home.

That's why you got to subscribe to the YouTube.

Please subscribe to the YouTube.

It's really the directional change that I'm alarmed by.

Then it went up.

Asia, while Paul is

zesting a lemon.

Exactly.

And getting zesty himself.

I loved Archer.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for hearing us.

Hey, me too.

Live-action movie.

Oh, God, I would do anything.

I mean, we all want to make a movie.

We all want to make a movie.

We all resemble our characters very closely, obviously, except for H.

John Benjamin, which if he was here, he'll go, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, yeah.

But

yeah, we would love to do it.

And I would love for John to play Archer.

I think that would be perfect.

Yeah, we really do.

Yeah.

We, you know, I mean, we're just waiting for somebody to pick up the phone.

I think the, you know, it's definitely, you know, 14 seasons and a movie is what we're chasing right now.

For sure.

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

What do we do?

Who do we call?

Community people.

I suppose we get John Voigt involved.

He seems to have widely involved.

John Voigt.

Let's get John Voigt on the blower.

John Voigt's trying to figure out how to open his bottle of insure.

Oh, God.

That was mean.

That was nasty.

How?

Where is the joke, police?

You're talking about the ambassador to Hollywood.

I barely.

Self-anointed ambassador voice.

Self-anointed ambassador.

That's a long time.

I deserve a ticket for that.

I deserve it.

I do.

I deserve to be cited.

He once got eaten by a snake.

That is one of the greatest films of all time, by the way.

It's good.

It It doesn't hold up at all,

but you're just shocked as you're watching it how enjoyable it is, even as you're saying to yourself, I should be put in jail for watching this movie.

It's so bad.

He comes out and he winks.

He comes out of the snake and he winks at you.

There you go.

Wow.

Look at this.

Oh,

cheers.

I love it.

Cheers, everybody.

Thank you.

I feel like Le Chief.

Oh, wow.

Yes.

Oh, wow.

Yes.

I'm a big Bond fan.

Fancy.

He was a cool Bond felon.

Oh, it's delicious.

Your gin is so tasty.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is great.

You like it?

I do really like it.

I genuinely like it.

It's my one superpower.

I make okay movies, but I make a great cartoon.

Wow.

How's the third act in this?

It's really fun because there was another gin in the first, a simple favor.

Oh, yeah, and I was like, the bottle changed.

Yeah, exactly.

But it's yours, and I recognized the bottle right away.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

Now I just shamelessly put my gin in all my mouth.

Remember, you're like, we don't need to get anybody to sign a release for this thing.

Exactly.

What's it called?

We didn't even know that.

It's called Arting Stalls.

And that was my mother's maiden name.

So I wanted it to sound.

Thank you.

I wanted to sound like it was an old, like English one that had been around for 150 years.

And but your mother didn't drink.

No.

Wow.

What a tribute.

What a lovely tribute to my Christenstein's mother.

And next up, there's also going to be a meth name for your father.

Yes, exactly.

Literally doing a double sal cal in her grave right now.

But you know what's this has a very, a very nice roundness to it.

There's some florality.

It's really, I've actually never had,

this is, I'm so dogmatic.

I only ever get an olive-based martini.

I've actually never had one with the lemon in it.

I always think that it's a Vesper when I see lemons.

My family, I think martinis should be bright.

And that's why

my only beef with a dirty martini is I think it becomes a little murky.

A little heavy, yeah.

And so I like Etcetris.

It just brightens everything up, makes me happy.

This is great.

I should drive home.

Okay.

I'll be following you.

Just don't text when you do it.

Paul,

you directed a famous episode of Mad Men.

Yes.

Where Betty shoots at the birds.

What do you think we should do about guns?

Thanks for that light question, John.

I'm not a gun person.

I can't stand.

I'm terrified of guns.

Whenever in my movies, if we have to have a gun, I'm just like, okay, somebody else take that.

And now, fortunately, we just do the rubber guns.

Yeah, like real guns are over.

Post, but yeah.

This is what happened.

Yeah, it's all.

It was kind of already over a little bit before that, but I feel like

that was the final straw.

Well, you still hang on, like, oh, I want the kick and I want the smoke, you know, but it's like, forget it.

No, it's not worth it.

I watched a movie recently where they just shouldn't have had guns at all because they didn't have the money to make the rubber guns look like real guns.

And it was speculatively

popularly.

And like, they so they were just like pasting in like the you know, the muzzle flashes.

Yeah.

Uh, and it looked very much like a 70s, like Batman and Robin, like, boom, pow.

Maybe that should just kung fu fight.

Don't gotta, yeah, you don't gotta touch that up.

Steven Spielberg took the guns out of E.T.

and replaced them with walkie-talkies.

What?

Red wage.

Digitally.

Digitally, yeah.

That's exactly how I'm going to take aviation out of the first simple favor.

Arting stalls in exactly.

Arting stalls to replace aviation gin.

Or you just have to be like, this is where's our arting stalls there.

Just have AI do it.

So, speaking of, Paul, you said that

you wouldn't do a sequel, but that you broke your sequel rule to make another simple favor.

Are we going to see a Ghostbusters 2 rise of the machines?

Only to piss off the entire Manosphere and Donald Trump, maybe.

I mean, there's literally tape of Donald Trump going, and all the Ghostbusters are women.

What's going on?

I mean, that's, you know, it was that level of stupidity.

Focus on those high-level, you know, sociopolitical, global issues.

The president of the world.

Oh, no, he's got more important things.

Yep.

Absolutely.

What made you break your sequel rule?

I love Blake and Anna, and I love the Simple Favor move.

The first one we did, and I love those characters.

And it was like, I think there's a fun thing to be had with them taking them to Italy.

Right.

So, and they were so, I mean, what was fun was they had evolved so much, like that dynamic and those personalities had grown so much from the first movie.

Yeah.

And it was very sexy.

Well, thank you.

Yeah, very sexy and glamorous.

Yeah.

I loved it.

I loved it.

I have to ask

about the elephant in the room, which is this.

Oh.

Is Blake Lively really 5'10?

Yes, she is.

And that's without heels, too.

I'm always looking up at Blake, basically.

It's crazy what's been going on.

What, with her heels?

Yeah, with the heels.

Yeah, I know, it's crazy.

And all the other parts of it.

And then she was.

There's a big scandal happening.

I know, there is.

I mean, it's all, I don't know.

Let's have another drink.

Let's have another drink, shall we?

Oh, I wanted to ask you this, Paul, because I want you to settle a bet.

And here's the bet.

Is Freaks and Geeks based on Chippewa High School in Michigan or Syasid High School on Long Island?

Because I read it to Syaset High School with Judd.

Yeah, we both went to Sayassid.

Guess what, guys?

It's based on my high school, Chippewa Valley.

So it's not based on Syasid?

Nope.

Would Judd disagree?

No, he would not.

He actually, because it's set in Michigan, you know, Chippewa, Michigan, I called it, but the school that I went to was Chippewa Valley.

Lots of culture appropriation, too, by the way.

Our team was called the Big Reds.

The whole middle of of the country, pretty much.

Yeah, it was the Braves, which I think they changed to the Astros.

So that's Syasit High School, which is a challenge.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All those astronauts are pissed about.

So the whole kind of myth inside, look, in Scioset, it's pretty well canon that it's about Sciosset.

And you're saying that that was a delusion we created because Judd went there.

Literally, the show takes place in Michigan.

But that's at Red Herring.

I don't know what problem Sciosit has.

I mean, you say so, guy who created the show, but whatever.

I know.

Exactly.

Aisha, you hosted the talk from season two to season seven.

You left in 2017, then it got fucking canceled.

Yeah.

Now the show's over.

What do you really think about those bitches?

You know, I had a great time doing that job.

And it was a very,

and I, I mean, I mean this mostly as a compliment.

It was a very easy job.

Like I got in there in the morning.

I talked to some people.

I left by noon.

It was cake, you know, and then I made my first feature.

And I realized if I wanted to have a career as a director, I couldn't have to spend eight hours of every day talking about Justin Bieber's haircut or whatever the fuck.

So it was an easy decision to go.

Do you know what I mean?

It was.

And

it was fun while it lasted.

And I got a lot of pictures of myself with famous people.

And then I fucked off.

There you go.

Yeah.

Oh, there we go.

And you know what that sound means.

And Paul's new movie, Anna Kendrick, attends the wedding of a woman who attempted to gun her down in the first film.

On the other hand, the wedding is in Capri.

So I get why she went, which is why we want to play a game called plus or minus one.

Ooh, but before we do, it's time for margaritas.

Another round.

It's time for another round.

All right.

Really, this has been, this is good.

Thank you.

You're really good at making this.

This is delicious.

I mean, I'd have choked it down as a host.

You know, but I do genuinely sincerely get to like it.

Oh, good, excellent.

Well, thank you.

Unlike the Great Paul Fig, I created something that requires no cocktail making proficiency whatsoever.

You just pour it out of the bottle.

Oh, that's that's good.

Yeah.

So for the 30-second spiel, Losafi is a line of cocktails.

This is our inaugural cocktail, but we're coming out with other flavors.

It's a margarita.

There's only three ingredients, organic tequila, organic triple sack that we make with organic tequila.

So there's no like neutral grain spirit or malt liquor in here.

Nice.

Aeronautic lime.

It's clarified so that it's, it just tastes super clean and stable.

I brought little dried limes because I'm a lazy bastard and I don't want to slice fruit.

Yeah.

But I really made this for like, you know, when you get home from a long day of telling brilliant jokes and getting tickets from the, from the joke police and you want a cocktail and you don't want to make it and um it's just a margarita in a bottle bro you feel bad having all this in front of these lovely people who can't have one

they don't matter paul

they're nothing that's your hope he feels about them the way he feels about the people in the starbucks line that's right

this is no more thank you oh my gosh thank you oh that's really good

oh i love it thank you I think these drinks are the perfect thing to be sipping while we're going through these very difficult questions.

Here Here is the question:

Would you attend this wedding?

That's what we're trying to get to the bottom of.

Because, in another simple favor, she goes to the wedding of someone that tried to murder her.

The bride is your best friend since childhood, but your ex will be there with their new partner who is a noticeably better, fatter ass than you.

You're tacitly in charge of her older brother who tried to do a who tries to do a standing backflip whenever he gets drunk enough.

She asks you to please dig a hole and bury her dead dog in it before the ceremony.

So, like, based in reality, is what you're saying?

Yeah, sort of like a thing that happened to me.

Would you go to the wedding?

Yeah,

like the part where we see the brother do the backflip and like jam his neck and have to be hospitalized.

Like, I'd videotape that and put it on the internet probably.

Right, sure.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, but I'm not going to bury a dog.

No, my question is: where's the wedding?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Sciosic.

Is it a despotic?

Psyasic.

I'm not going.

I'm not going.

Sorry,

All right.

Next up, the groom is the guy from work whose wife, whose first wife disappeared under mysterious circumstances, but the hotel room is free.

His uncle is George Clooney's lawyer, and rumor has it George might pop up with a mall.

There's a taco truck coming at midnight.

Oh, I'm there.

Yeah.

Tacos, man.

You never say no to free tacos.

Tacos, exactly.

Never.

Tacos and Clooney.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Tacos and Clooney together.

What?

I need a few minutes alone.

The bride is your favorite teacher from growing up who found love again after her first husband's long illness, but the wedding is at a campsite.

The groom is an amateur ventriloquist, but try telling him that.

And you have to fly into Newark to get there.

No, the answer is no.

Are we glamping or camping?

It's just camping.

No glamping.

They haven't, they're just, it's just camping.

No.

I don't think I would fly into Newark.

It answers itself.

I know.

It's really like that, that traffic controller being like, I told my family not to go.

And the fact that Sean Duffy of Road Rules Real World Challenge said that he changed his family's flight to not go into Newark.

It's like deeply authoritative voice.

For sure.

The guy I look to for recommendations.

I know.

Listen, I wish he weren't the guy, but he's the guy, and I gotta listen.

Newark, I can take.

The camping I can't take.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, right.

I'd rather, right.

You'd rather die on your way to a four seasons than live on your way to a camping season.

I can't shit into a hole.

Yeah.

Under any circumstances.

Yeah, I famously tried.

I tried to be in the wilderness and they kicked me out after three dinners.

The bride and groom.

The bride and groom are the couple you met at Senor Frogs Los Cabos and had a really awkward threesome with.

Oh, Jesus.

But they're putting every wedding guest up for free in an all-inclusive resort within walking distance of Senor Frogs Los Cabos.

And George and them all are definitely coming.

So, first of all, have you been to that Senor Frogs Los?

I thought you would ask me if I've been in a threesome.

I was like, oh, my God.

Too much, Aisha.

Too much.

I've been to that Senior Frogs.

It's horrible.

Disagree.

But then I am like,

if it was a good threesome, and there might be a chance you could crack one out, you know, before they lock it up.

There you go.

Just one last one for the road.

Senior Frogs sounds,

I was in a, I had a movie in a film festival in San Diego, and after the, for the San Diego Film Festival, afterwards, we wanted to go get something to eat.

And there's a place there called Dirty Dicks.

Anyone been there?

It's one of those kind of places.

And we came in, and one of the waiters was getting his hair cut by another one of the waiters in the middle of the thing.

And I was like, we're not going in here.

So somehow Senior Frog sounds like a place you might get your hair cut and maybe your pubic hair cut.

When you said dry martini, that's not what you meant.

That's not what I meant.

Did you like that story, John?

Hey, don't go anywhere.

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That's something that's confused.

Because the other night, I was making martinis for me and Ari, who is driving home tonight.

And then I was doing it.

And then as I was making them, John, my co-host and Emily came over because we were going to a birthday party together.

And I was like, well, I'll make, I can can make you guys old-fashioned or I can make, we want, guys, want martinis.

And I did something stupid, which was like, all right, let's just double.

I was already in the shaker.

And I was like, well, fuck it.

I doubled.

Oh.

And I tried to double.

And it just turned out fucking bad.

The ratios go up.

And I, well, it was the ratio, but I think it was also, it just got too melty.

Yeah, yeah.

Because the ice couldn't handle the, I should have put more ice.

I just fucked it up.

But it's a subtle difference.

It's a like.

The fact that this is like, this is a good example of if you make every, if it's exactly right, it's exactly right.

I mean, it's a little off.

It's nowhere.

Well, it can't be lukewarm it can't even be just like kind of cold it has to be cold i've got so many times i get served a martini that's like kind of cold and i'll just now i'll just say can you put a bag

yeah because you're because and that's what all the stories about you being such a terrible customer of course no no

bartenders hate me

but here's the question for you because i actually you know i know this sounds very bondy and i am a fan of bond and have a very simplistic way of looking at the world generally um i don't like a shaken martini i don't like ice chips in my martini it it continues essentially it's like self-watering, right?

They divide the thing, it's filled with ice and then it slowly gets more and more dilute.

So I only want a stirred drink and I only stir it myself.

Can I tell you my theory on why Bond has shaken not stirred?

Because he's a super spy.

He needs to always have his wits about him.

So a shaken martini is diluted with ice.

So he could out drink somebody who's having a regular martini.

What's interesting about that is I think that's a great theory, but I have the opposite.

I had the opposite theory.

I had the opposite feeling, which is that James Bond is a fucking alcoholic.

And so a shaken martini is better if you're going to, if you're going to down a martini fast before the ice melts, a shaken martini is delicious.

True, but if you're an alcoholic, you just want more and more martinis.

Right, that's a good point.

You're right.

You see the piece they did?

They did a piece, I feel like it was the New York Times, or maybe the New York Times magazine, where they actually calculated, like they watched all of the Bond movies and calculated exactly how much alcohol he had ingested over like the life of the franchise.

And he was dead.

He died.

He died.

Died around Roger Moore.

Then I'm dead.

Who's your favorite Bond?

Daniel Craig.

By far.

He's the best Bond.

I agree.

I agree.

By far.

Now, has anybody read the original Bond books?

He's not so much obsessed with the martinis.

He's obsessed with scrambled eggs.

What?

It's crazy.

All the Bond books are about like, I have to eat.

I have to have eggs.

I have to do that.

Bond is obsessed with eating.

He's got to hit his macros.

I think this is why Woodhouse was always making eggs Woodhouse for Archer.

I, because I, obviously, Archer is based on Bond, and I've not read those books because reading's for, you know, for chunks.

No, I love books.

I love reading.

But, I mean, obviously, Adam Reed based him on that.

And he said, listen, if this guy was a real guy, he'd be an absolute piece of shit, an alcoholic, a womanizer, a jerk.

And he's like, this is the real Bond.

That was the kind of the essential thrust of like

Eggs Woodhouse, man.

Eggs, Woodhouse, and cocaine.

There you go.

Very nice.

We got to name my new album.

Paul and Aisha, you've both spent years of your career wrangling psychopaths, and that's just getting your agents on the phone.

What I want to tell you: hey, oh,

tonight, we want to open the floor to deranged, dead-eyed, unscrupulous among us in a segment we're calling Anti-Social Butterfly.

Here's how it works.

Please raise your hand if you'd like to, Paul and Aisha, to weigh in on any question, dilemma, or scenario that has you wondering: wait, am I the sociopath?

Keep in mind, the fact of you asking it means you probably aren't.

So that's good.

All right.

Your question is: Are you the sociopath?

Do you have a question for Aisha and Paul?

Raise your hands.

You count.

You can make one up.

You can absolutely make one up.

That's it.

It's over.

There's a question over here.

The first, you know, you throw the first brick at Stonewall.

The other hands will go up now because you went first.

Thank you.

Proud of you.

Proud of you.

You're a leader, man.

Hi, what's you can not say your name if you want, but what's your question about whether a moment where you might have been the sociopath?

Yeah, my name's Zach.

I'm from Kentucky.

And we live right next to a church.

And we're essentially every house in Kentucky.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yep, you got it.

And so, you know, we get along with them, whatever, but they feed all the cats in the neighborhood.

So there's like 10 feral cats just roaming the street, pooping everywhere.

You step in it.

Our dog, cornbread, because he's a Kentucky dog, his name's Cornbread.

He eats the cab poop.

It's disgusting.

Yeah.

It's bad.

Every cat needs to go.

Yeah.

And so

we've tried to talk with them.

We've thought about signing a petition, being like, hey, can you guys stop feeding the cats?

They don't live there, by the way.

Yeah, the people feeding the cats don't live there.

It's a church.

So they just go there, drop off the food, and run away.

And so every now and then when I get that pure rage in me,

I'll grab the cat boop with a bag around my hand and kind of catapult it into the parking lot.

Just like one or two, you know, little cat boop.

And so that's kind of where that rage comes from.

So, yeah, am I crazy for doing that?

These aren't big cats like Tiger King or anything.

No, no, no.

Okay, good.

They're just neighborhood cats that they're feeding.

Yeah, but they're dicks, though.

They're not ex-cats.

Cats are dicks.

There's cute cats.

They're just dicky cats.

Can I ask you, when you're driving...

Yeah.

Do you find that you want to exact what I would call road justice?

Are you a road justice guy?

Where if somebody, say, cuts you off

and you come back around, you don't like basically you you want to try to write the ledger god's ledger is that something that about you it happened

i'm sorry sir please pass that i'm his wife yes he is

so i thought you looked familiar i said

i sense that about you yeah so our What is your goal in hurling

the excrement?

Yeah, I think like the dream scenario is the

preacher, you know, he's getting out of his truck and getting ready to go in and he steps in the cab poop.

And then he's like, oh, wow, like this is out of control.

Like, we've got to fix this.

Wow.

There's so much logic in that rage point.

Like, you really thought it through.

Most people are like, just get chicken.

That's all.

I like that he has such a quick conversion to

the moral high road.

I don't think you're a sociopath.

I go along with that.

I think you're fine.

You're not hurling cats into the parking lot.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

We didn't know where

it was going to go.

We didn't know where it was going to go.

And it went to a place where I think you're expressing some legitimate outrage in a way that you're ultimately hoping ruins a pastor's day, but in a manner that could be productive.

So I think you're okay.

And just be careful with the road justice because it could get you killed.

Okay.

You know, and it's something that I know.

And I have the same impulse, the road justice impulse, which is you're trying to, because there's a book with all the names and it's all written and you're trying to make sure it's right before the end of the day and the end of history.

And that's hard because we can't be in charge of that book.

The book is not up to us.

We just have our one little part of it, you know, even though we're trying to make it right.

You know, we're past the

you know what I mean.

I also have road rage, so I really can't.

You have different accents.

We're from the same place, though.

It doesn't make any sense.

Hers is just way cooler.

Thank you.

You have, to me, what is I consider a real accent.

You have Jessica Tandy in fried green tomatoes.

She wishes a beautiful way.

She wishes she had this.

This is just real.

Come on.

That's a beautiful accent.

Thank you.

I love it.

Thank you.

I would also like to point out that I don't really think that this pastor is a serious man if he's driving a pickup truck to church.

Come on now.

He

operates his roofing and gutter business out of the church parking lot.

He did do our gutters, too, though.

Honk, if you like aluminum siding and Jesus.

That's a good

because that makes it tax deductible.

Yeah.

Ooh, that's a good point.

You know, you have a church.

You can operate your business out of it.

The church doesn't pay property taxes.

Something to think about when you go home, maybe call somebody about it.

You know what I mean?

Let's get physical.

You use that extra money to feed the feral cats.

That's right.

Have we thought of a more violent approach?

Like, maybe collecting all of the poo.

Pope L.A.

is treating you

on your trip from Kentucky.

Who else has got one?

Can I tell my favorite church religion story?

Yes.

There was an article a number of years ago in the New York Times about a church somewhere down south, and the church just exploded one day.

It literally exploded into splinters.

But there was a little statue,

like concrete statue of the Virgin Mary out front that didn't fall over.

And the takeaway from the church people was like, it's a miracle that that wasn't damaged.

And I'm like, somebody blew up your church blew up.

And so that's why it's hard to reason with religious people.

Good night.

That felt very scientific, too.

A very scientific evaluation.

That's why my mother kicked me out of my religion.

Exactly.

I think that's the Advil talking.

There you go.

Anybody else have a moment where they think they might have been the sociopath?

Hello, my name's Kyle.

Hi, Kyle.

I am a worker in Northern Virginia.

I walk to work every day.

And I have an issue where being a pedestrian in a car-centric metropolitan area, I feel like

a moral superiority walking,

not having to drive my vehicle and having to spend money on gas.

However,

walking around a metropolitan area, I feel like I'm constantly at odds with being killed by other Americans in cars.

And so I feel like I don't want to

I don't want to villainize people because I know that paying attention while driving is definitely difficult.

And there is.

It shouldn't be, really.

should be easier people are fucking idiots there's there's two roads i'm crossing uh as i walk to work um there's two like four lane roads where

people are like doing a protected left and

you know they will just turn into you as you're walking across the road and i walk to work with a uh like a glass container with all my with my chicken and broccoli every day oh that's your first mistake all right i hope they hate you

sorry you're my new hero and i've had

some fancy drinks.

I have had, do what?

Nothing.

Continue.

And I've been almost hit several times coming home from work.

And every single, like the most recent one was where an older lady had, this is probably in like April of this year.

She had her like sun visor down,

definitely just like a raft for like crossover, like turn in just directly into me.

And I'm like halfway across the intersection.

And I just like,

you know, I move fast to get out of the way, but I have an innate urge to just chunk my, my lunch container and then drink rock, right?

But I know, I know that if they hit me or if like they stop or anything, that's going to like break their windshield.

It's going to be like an assault charge, like all this stuff.

For context too,

I'm a military member and I'm walking in uniform.

So that's going to be an absolutely terrible load.

God totally changes my calculus for you.

Absolutely day and night what I I wanted for you.

First of all, first of all, and I want to say, when I said earlier that I hope you get hit by a car, I don't mean

thank you for your service.

Especially now.

Especially this weekend.

Especially now.

I just, it was triggering to hear that you have do meal prep of something with chicken and broccoli in a container.

I just, I know what your algorithm is.

That makes me angry.

I have like a lot of anger.

For context, I spent about 27 months of the past four years in the Middle East eating like the same exact food every single day.

So I'm like taking back control of being able to cook and eat whatever I want.

It's amazing.

There's no winning this for you.

No, there's no winning.

We can't win.

Don't throw it because you're giving away your lunch.

This last time was after work, but yeah.

I also feel like

you would be throwing it with precision.

Like I think if you were just a shooter

like an IT guy, right?

Like you're headed to do your job of like, you know, playing Minecraft and pretending you're working, I'd be like, yeah, huck it because you're going to miss.

But this guy's going to like send her mass like three bops to the head, and the lady's going to die.

Oh, they're in a car.

They're in a car.

Criminal mind at work there.

That's true.

That's her training.

That's Aisha's training.

So, it's an interesting dilemma.

I think we all agree.

I don't think you should throw your lunch because that's making another person's day a little bit worse and making your day a lot worse.

But then the terrorists win, too, because you have no lunch.

Yeah.

How do you think about it?

Here's, I've always had a kind of fantasy.

I have two fantasies.

One is I'm at a rock concert and they say, is anybody a drummer?

That's just, that's, I'm always going to have.

That's just in my brain.

And I just, you know, their drummer is sick.

Is anyone?

It's like, oh.

Do you play the drums?

I did when I used to have this fantasy.

It's an old one from one of my childhoods.

Well, you get up and you're terrible.

Yeah, no, that would be a bummer.

That'd be a bummer.

I could do wipeout.

All right, listen,

Barbara Ann, the whole thing.

But here's the, here's my lots of bands playing Barbara Ann live nowadays.

Hey, everybody.

Did somebody request wipeout?

Yeah, we know this.

Ba, ba, ba, ba.

Everyone's just running for the door.

But my other one is that I would print out stickers, and the stickers say, you're a piece of shit on them.

And I have them.

And then when somebody is driving like a piece of shit, you just run out, just boom, put them on the back of their car, you know?

So maybe make some stickers.

do you know the do you know the uh

amount of guns compared to the amount of americans in this country like i feel like if i tap somebody's car i am running the risk of you're in the uniform oh

okay that's right they should they would assume that you were like a concealed carry here here's a here's here's an here's an interesting context to take into account so

federal yeah yeah let's get deeper into your partner's like your partner is like i don't want this i don't want this for you and i don't want it for me either.

Federal and deputized employees, specifically ICE or any other federal agent that's going to be conducting activities that is like, you know, part of your deputized job.

So like a lot of people are claiming, like, you know, whenever you see people getting arrested or getting disappointed.

Like a guy in underarmor, like school underarmor top and bottom.

Getting people disappeared off the street by federal agents that are going to be in uniform will be wearing the same camouflage pattern that I'm wearing.

So like, I feel like I'm not really like sure.

I have a little name tape.

This is U.S.

Army, but like I'm not standing apart from the rest of all federal employees.

And so I feel kind of.

If you go to the uniform store, could you get like pink camouflage?

You know, like the one that kind of looks like you're going hunting for deer, you know, the one that's got the orange in it.

You know what I mean?

I feel as if I am a like overall like.

federal employee, not necessarily like strategic or like strictly military.

I feel as if I'm possibly lumped into multiple of these

federal services.

First off, I want to say, here's a couple of things.

One, again, thank you for your service.

Two, I don't think you're a sociopath.

I do think you're on the spectrum.

Three,

like that's a that's fucking clear as day to me.

And I am a badge of honor, sir.

I love that.

Do not back down.

And the person you're with agrees, and so that's something that we're all understanding.

I would just say, is there another route you could walk to work?

Could you go the long way?

What if you got a magnet, not a sticker, a magnet?

So that way, like from a fall, you could fling it and then it would stick.

They wouldn't even know.

If I just take the bus and then they could just peel it off.

Yeah, maybe take the bus.

Can I take this opportunity to call out the woman?

Did you see the video recently?

The woman who got a traffic thing ran out and took a diarrhea shit on the other car and then ran back in her car and see that.

Dude, dude, dude, dude, if people in this room don't stop and take a moment of silence to acknowledge how much focus and tenacity and drive it takes to take a shit on another car without looking at your phone,

without your normal creature comforts.

It's a skill.

It's not, that's not a, that's not a two-second operation.

That's way slower than throwing a magnet, man.

You got to pull your pants down.

You got to make sure you're not going to hit by traffic.

She has first-degree shitting.

Does she have any performance in anti-drug story?

She deserves a medal.

I was going to say, what kind of heart?

Not purple heart.

Maybe she's looking for an excuse because he really had to go.

But I mean, that's a lot of poo.

And it's, and like, even if it was fast, you'd still have to kind of aim it and then finish and then pull your pants back up.

She did it fast.

I saw the video.

She did it and she was back in the car.

Respect, man.

Exactly.

She's staring in my new movie, by the way.

I just, isn't it amazing to think?

Another not so simple favor.

Isn't it amazing to think that like Steve Jobs stood up in front of the world and said, it's a music player.

It's an email device.

It's a phone.

And now we're shitting on each other's cars.

Yes, exactly.

And that's a sad and interesting thing about how we all became sociopaths in a sense.

Hey, I don't know what your answer is.

I think maybe just don't cross when there's somebody making that left.

But they, what if they're crossing while I'm in the middle of the keep moving, keep your head on a swivel.

But you made it through the Middle East.

You got to be able to survive North Carolina.

Is there a crosswalk where you do this?

There is a crosswalk.

I mean, here's the issue: people don't like care about crosswalks.

They just kind of like.

Yeah, so I got a fucked up, broken, sociopathic society.

I got hit by a car in front of a Cooper Union in New York one Saturday night.

I was walking, and the guy just, I was coming across, and the guy was clearly looking at his phone or something, and just hit me.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a stunt man.

And so I used to try to figure out what would you do if you were hit by a car.

So I knew, get up, go the way with the thing.

And I did.

I rolled over the car.

And the worst part was getting hit as a 50-year, at the time, a man in his 50s in front of a bunch of kids on a Saturday night and falling in the street.

And I hear, oh, and here was the greatest thing about this story: I'm on the ground, like all fucked up, and

two people come running over.

It's this really nice woman and this other guy.

And he's like, the guy gets out

in this asshole.

And the guy who's driving gets out of the car.

He's like, oh my God, oh my God.

And this guy comes up and he goes, like, all right, well, you're okay.

You're okay.

And he's cool.

So come on, I want you guys to shake hands.

This is cool.

Like, you guys are.

I was like, what the fuck, dude?

I'm not going to shake hands with the guy just fucking hit me with his car.

And the guy just wouldn't stop doing that.

And I was just like, so I literally walked away.

I just, I wanted to get out of there so badly.

Anyway, so

there you go.

What was his investment in this being resolved?

I don't know.

I think he wanted to be a diplomat or something.

It was crazy.

And what did the guy who drove the car say to you?

He was just all, oh my God, oh, my God.

And then all I could think was, I don't care if my leg is broken.

I want to get out of here because I want to be injured in front of a bunch of college students.

Right.

Mr.

Brown.

It's raining Saturday night.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I know.

You thought they were going to make fun of you?

I don't know.

You know what it was?

It was when I got hit.

It was the, oh, and then, and I literally hit the top of the thing.

I go, like, don't fall on the ground.

And I couldn't help it.

I went, fell on the ground, and it was wet, and I was wearing a suit.

It was raining.

I dude, it's, I was, he jumped over the hood of a moving car.

This is what I know.

And then got up and walked away.

I agree.

Here's what I want.

Here's what you're, there's such a refinement to you, such a control to you.

I think it's interesting that you got hit by a car, and as you're flying through the air, arms akimbo, you're like, this, I hope when I land, this isn't embarrassing.

That's literally all it went through.

Wow.

And you're in therapy.

No, I'm not.

I should be.

I was directing, also, Daniel Maddox of the story.

I was directing Nurse Jackie at the time.

And so waited until I went in on the Monday to have the set doctors look at my contusioned leg.

And they were like, you seriously didn't go to to a hospital after the hospital.

You didn't even go to a hospital.

No, I just went home last Saturday Night Live.

You decided you went to nurse.

You heard it here first.

There you go.

Exactly.

Story

my wife hates.

Thank you.

Well,

nobody in the audience associopaths.

What a sweet soul you have.

I want nothing but good things for you.

We have to protect him at all costs.

Exactly.

Maybe we can get him a car.

All right.

We come back.

We come back.

Do we have one more thing?

Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Restrictions apply.

And we're back!

Before we get to our wheel, on June 6th, Tim Miller, Sarah Longwell from the Bulwark, and I will be at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, D.C.

Wow.

I've had two very strong drinks.

We're going to be on June 6th.

What?

Tim Miller, Sarah Longwell, me.

Fuck.

We have a great show.

We're doing a fundraiser called Free Andri, a fundraiser at World Pride, hosted by Crooked Media and The Bulwark.

We'll be celebrating Pride.

We're going to have a great time.

It's going to be a fun show, but it's a serious cause.

We're going to be raising money for the Immigrant Defenders Law Center.

This is an organization representing makeup artists and actor Andre Hernandez-Romero and others who have been basically, who have been kidnapped and taken to El Salvador without due process.

If they fall off out of our attention, if the news moves on, they will never come back.

So we're trying to raise money to support their legal defense and to keep focus on this issue.

Before the live show, Vote Save America, we'll be joining with the human rights campaign for a protest at the U.S.

Supreme Court to bring more attention to this case.

And we're donating the ticket proceeds to the Immigrant Defenders Law Center.

So it'll be a big, gay live show for a great cause.

We're going to raise a lot of money during this weekend.

So

tickets are going.

Tickets are going.

So go to crooked.com slash events and get those tickets as quick as you can.

Crooked.com slash events.

It's going to be very fun.

It's going to be a great show.

Also, the Crooked store just got a big upgrade.

We have new, nicer shirts and sweatshirts and merch, and we have some beautiful, cool, new designs.

Also, a new website.

We just really wanted to upgrade everything and make sure that when you buy a shirt from us, you feel like you're going to get like a really great t-shirt, even though you can like the design, but we want to make sure you'll be really happy with the shirt itself, which you can't see on the internet.

Were the complaints before, Joe?

What?

No, it's just we wanted to be shut up.

Hey, Paul Feek, shut the fuck up.

Tag is scratchy.

Because I've got quite a rash going.

We've improved what was already great

for making t-shirts great again.

Crooked.com/slash store

Paul and Asia.

You've given me a lot to think about this evening.

You've also given me the perfect alibi for a crime I absolutely couldn't have committed.

Oh,

you see me here?

There's no way I could have pushed Tate McRae in front of that swan boat.

So to close out the show, we're going to share something we have gotten away with.

Oh.

With a segment we're calling Petty Criminal Minds.

Oh, no.

To the wheel.

Oh, it's already spinning.

oh it's landed on palm by me what is a petty crime you've gotten away with well i wouldn't call it a crime right i'm not saying i know exactly it's something i got away with but there's an addendum so i'm going to tell you the story first uh i was when i was an actor uh i was on a tv show called uh dirty dancing the tv series believe it or not there was one um and in one of the scenes i i played this nerdy uh bellhop who wasn't in the original movie and i had to kiss this girl and of course like any professional actor i completely fell in love with the girl I was supposed to kiss, the actress.

And she had a band.

And so I was a guitar player and a drummer, but I was a guitar player.

And so I was kind of weaseled my way into the band.

I'm not a good guitar player, but I've always tried to play lead guitar and have picked up from other guitar players I know little licks and bits.

So one day she and her boyfriend go off to do something and I'm with the drummer and the bass player.

And so we start jamming.

And I say, let me do a solo.

I do a solo.

And for some reason, the planets align and I rip out the greatest guitar solo ever heard.

It ends.

The two guys get down in front of me.

They're bowing like, oh my God.

So they, the, the girl and her boyfriend come back and they're like, we've got our lead guitarist.

We got, you got to hear him.

He's amazing.

He's amazing.

And here's the addendum on the story.

They go, play it.

I play the worst fucking guitar solo ever.

These two guys are like, oh, and they're looking at them like they're nuts.

They're all looking at me like I'm terrible.

And so that was it.

I was busted as being shitty.

What do you think happened inside that brought out such an excellent moment?

It's just the planet's aligned.

It's total, it's the absolute definition of imposter syndrome, you know, because like sometimes you just kind of things happen.

It's like making a movie.

Like, you know, you think the movie is going to be good, but, you know, a million things go into it and either it's going to turn out or it's not.

And it just luck kind of takes over at the same time with your instincts and all that.

And for some reason, I think the pressure of her not being there kind of made me go, oh yeah, I'm just going to do this thing.

Yeah.

And so there you go.

Let me ask you this question.

You almost got away with it.

You almost got away with it.

Let me ask you this question.

What's an experience?

What, what is more likely?

You're on set, you feel like you're fucking muscling something to the finish line because it's hard.

You're like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

And it turns out to be great.

Or we're having a great time.

Everything feels fun and funny and light.

And then it turns out to be absolute dog shit.

Well,

I'm always nervous about sets where the crew is when I'm doing a a comedy and everybody's laughing and they're having a great time.

That's usually the worst movie because it's the moments are great, but they don't add up versus, and all my sets are kind of happy.

We never have like stress and all that stuff.

But sometimes, like when I made the movie Spy, we were doing that in Budapest.

And I'm used to kind of people, you know, the crew laughing or whatever.

Like, we do it, you know, 30-minute take, like dead silence because they didn't really understand English.

And also just, you know, the Hungarians, I love them.

I'm Hungarian in my genealogy, but they're not a gregarious people.

Other countries engage in the future.

Yeah, it's taken over by fascists.

Yeah, but there you go.

We were there pre-fascists, fortunately.

But I remember just walking away from that movie and going like, I think we might have made the worst movie of all time.

And then it obviously kind of worked out, okay?

It's a great film.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's quite funny.

Yeah, but I am nervous about when things like everything's going great because, you know,

there's two things I keep in

my

office.

One is a bust of Shakespeare to remind myself and all the writers we work with that none of us are Shakespeare, so we can keep rewriting and make it better.

And the other is a model of the Titanic to remind myself how no matter how great everything seems like it's going, this could all go down in a minute.

Wow.

So you're an inspiring leader.

I am, really.

You really help people.

Oh, guys, this could be terrible.

Just give up.

Let's just stop now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Let's spin it again.

That's excellent.

I hope it doesn't land on me again.

Yay.

Oh, God.

Aisha, what's something you've gotten away with?

Oh, this was really hard for me because I'm an apple polisher.

Like, I, I'm like terrified of like breaking the law.

And I'm the kind of person who will like find a wallet and turn it in.

But I will say that when I was a kid, I had a period of like really, I,

So I loved movies and I was very, very nerdy and I was an outsider.

So

I would, my parents would drop me up at the museum at the library, like when it opened, like around eight or nine on Saturday.

And then I would stay in there looking at books about homunculi and like, you know, tumors and stuff like that.

If you know, you know,

oh, yeah, as one does, as a child of seven or eight does.

And then when I was sick of looking at the human deformities, I would go around the corner to the movie theater when it opened and I would pay for one

matinee ticket, which, you know, back in the times of the

oil-fueled steam engine

cost like a buck.

And then I would just steal movies all day.

So I don't know.

Like, people don't, I don't know if people do that now, but like, you know, you would just hang out in the theater like an like a street urchin and you would just go from movie to movie to movie to movie to movie to movie to movie.

And that was like, that was like my activity until I was like 25.

Like just stealing movies.

So I never, I saw, I saw the Blue Lagoon like 17 times, don't know how it started, don't know how it ends.

Also, War Games.

I have seen War Games so many times, you guys.

It is one of the greatest films of the modern era.

It's so great.

War Games is awesome.

It's the best.

Stands up.

Stands up.

More relevant than ever.

I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good.

What was the name of the robot in the Joshua?

It's Joshua.

Nicely.

Joshua.

Well done.

I was going to say Whopper because Whopper was the

big computer, but

inside of it was Joshua, the son of the

break.

It's the Broderick break.

It's the Alan Sheedy break.

There's a really, really poorly drawn guy on the spectrum in there, like a super nerd.

For sure.

Clearly nowadays, we'd be like, he's just like hyper intelligent, but in there, he's like, hey, everybody, I want to do some math.

Really, really stereotypical, unkind.

Yeah, that performance needs to be replaced by a bottle of your gym.

There we go.

I can digitally do that.

I remember once I saw a movie and then I was like, oh, let's see a second movie for free.

And then I saw Krippendorf's Tribe.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Wait, Richard Dreyfus.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it's not good.

Also, I think Jenna Alphman.

Oh, my God.

But you're spinning the wheel.

The thing is, you can pick the first film, but then you can never pick another film again because you're kind of dodging security and you've got to like squeeze in a couple games of Qbert, you know, when no one's looking.

Yeah.

And then you got to wait till no one's looking and then you dash in and then

Kubate and you're watching Kramer versus Kramer.

You got to watch Kramer versus Kramer.

It's so sad.

Do you know what just got ordered?

What?

The whack-a-mole movie.

Oh, wow.

There you go.

Wow, but it's like a gritty thing.

Grounded.

Heads will be crushed.

When I lived in New York and I was being a paralegal during the day and doing open mics at night, sometimes I would go to the AMC on 42nd Street and I would go to McDonald's beforehand because the McDonald's right across the street, and I put the fries in this side and the Whopper in this side of my cargo shorts.

Dude, well done.

But that's not my, that's not what I've gotten away with today.

Let's spin it again.

Respect.

Please.

I can't believe it's you.

He's landed on me.

What are the odds?

For a very long time, I got away with Pundit the Dog being my dog, being an emotional support animal.

I travel back and forth across the country with this emotional support animal.

She's not not trained.

And it is, she does provide emotional support.

But I remember I had to go to my friend who's a doctor whose name I'm not going to say because I don't know about the ethics of this.

They're dubious at best.

They're Vinnie Boombats.

And I said, I said, can you write me a doctor's letter saying that I need an emotional support animal?

Cause I got to submit it.

to American Airlines because I have executive platinum status.

And it wasn't a big deal.

Quit bragging.

It wasn't a big deal.

But he wrote this note that was so,

I was like, Jesus, maybe maybe I do need an emotional support animal.

He was like, John has crippling anxiety.

It prevents him from functioning.

He requires this tiny golden doodle to function.

If he doesn't have it, he could die.

And then they changed the rules

to service dogs.

To service dogs, and that required lying on like a federal document.

And as my friend knows, you don't want to do that.

You know, because then you got a guy in fucking camouflage coming after you.

It's not one of the nice ones with the chicken and broccoli.

There you go.

It's one of the other ones.

The one with the underarmor, just all the underarmor on.

Yeah, we did that with our dog, who we just lost, sadly, but he was a service dog.

But it was like, it was kind of a trumped-up thing, not that drum.

But

it was like, I was like, what service does he provide?

He's cute, I guess.

But he was a service dog.

Yeah.

Technically.

Anyway.

Now, Pundit, you know, Pundit has to have a, my dog has to have Viagra every day.

What?

Yep.

For her boners.

No.

Because you know, Viagra was discovered because it was a heart medicine.

It was originally heart medicine.

And they were like, holy crap, these old guys are getting rock heart fucking boners.

So my dog.

This is the best story.

My dog, every morning and every night, gets a Viagra.

And then she's just in a mood.

She's just kind of in a mood for a while after.

She felt like in a fucking mood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

what's she going to do?

She's single so yeah she's and she's single and ready to make a mingle

what a weird way to end the show

can we somehow bring it back

what can we do

everybody should watch criminal minds evolution and another simple favorite favor is out on Amazon Prime right now can I volunteer a thought I started watching another simple favor And then I said to myself, much like I said when I watched James Bond, no time to die, I need to go back.

I don't remember what's going on here.

So it's a really fun double feature because it was a little while ago.

And the first film is so complex and there's so many little like threads and internesing jokes and everything like that.

Like go back and watch the first film again because then you'll enjoy the second one so much more when you remember exactly where it left off.

And I will say just the plug, it used to be on Netflix.

It just went to Amazon Prime, the first one.

So you can watch them together.

You can watch them together.

Yeah.

And it was great.

And it was a really great double feature.

Like when the salmon go from upstream to downstream, you know, and they're like, you know, they go from freshwater to saltwater.

Exactly.

And you were telling me backstage you support Baldoni.

Is that right?

No.

Oh, my God.

Well, here comes my subpoena.

And that's our show.

Thank you so much to Paul and Aisha Tyler.

We'll see you next week right here at 90 T Typewriter.

There are 528 days until the midterms.

Have a great night night and have a great weekend.

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Love it or leave it is a crooked media production.

It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg.

Kendra James is our executive producer.

Bill McGrath is our producer and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer.

Hallie Kiefer is our head writer.

Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, and Will Miles are our writers.

Jordan Cantor is our editor.

Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.

Stephen Cologne is our audio engineer.

Our theme song is written and performed by Schersher.

Thanks to our designer, Sammy Koderna-Rees, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast.

And thanks to our digital producers David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kalman, Delan Villanueva, and Rachel Gaeski for filming and editing video each week.

Our head of production is Matt DeGroote, our head of programming is Madeline Herringer, and our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.

Hi there, it's Andy Richter, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast, The Three Questions with Andy Richter.

Each week, I invite friends, comedians, actors, and musicians to discuss these three questions.

Where do you come from?

Where are you going?

And what have you learned?

New episodes are out every Tuesday with guests like Julie Bow and Ted Danson, Tig Nataro, Will Arnett, Arnett, Phoebe Bridgers, and more.

You can also tune in for my weekly Andy Richter call-in show episodes where me and a special guest invite callers to weigh in on topics like dating disasters, bad teachers, and lots more.

Listen to the three questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts.

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