But His Mom's Emails feat. Louis Virtel

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Oh, my God, that curtain coming up.

I'm 14 years old, I'm in arsenic and old lace, and I'm terrified.

Hello, welcome to Love It or Leave It.

I'm Louis Vertel.

Thank you.

Host of Crooked's pop culture podcast, Keep It.

John Levitt could not be here tonight.

He is sick at home, ranting about nothing all by himself.

If you were hoping to see a snarky gay guy who's around 40, too bad. You're getting a snarky gay guy who's so young it's unbelievable.
Tonight on the show, Bruce Valanche and I have an Oscars off. This is the king of the Oscars.
Raven Simone is here, and she gets the last word, and even some in the middle. Then we all spin the wheel and share the perfect gifts for our gayest friends.
And you might be some of them. But first, let's get into it.
What a week. Outgoing West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin.
Who's having fun yet? This week weighed in on President Biden's pardon for his son Hunter,

offering a unique suggestion.

As a father, I don't know of a father that wouldn't have done the same thing.

What I would have done differently, my recommendation as a counselor would have been,

why don't you go ahead and pardon Donald Trump for all his charges?

And make it, you know, it had gone down a lot more balanced, if you will.

I'm just saying, wipe them out.

Well, I hope Joe Manchin lands a margarine endorsement because that sounds like a smart balance to me. This is what's so special about Joe Manchin.
His Senate career is wrapping up. He doesn't owe us any more bad ideas, but bad ideas are his passion.
He can't resist one more bad idea for the road. One we can grow on.
A lot of people are saying if they had a son in trouble like Joe Biden, they would have pardoned him, too. I want to add that if I ever have a son, something has gone terribly wrong.
I will accidentally leave him in the locker room at Barry's Boot Camp San Francisco or something. And they are not friendly there.
On Tuesday, California Governor Gavin Newsom became the highest-ranking Democrat to publicly disagree with Biden's decision. Joe Biden is so completely beyond caring what Gavin Newsom thinks.
Biden's on the golf course with Hunter calling Gavin Newsom a mean name that nobody has used since 1945, something John Wayne has probably said a few times. Newsom told reporters, with everything the president and his family have been through, I completely understand the instinct to protect Hunter, but I took the president at his word.
So by definition, I'm disappointed and can't support the decision. He did say all of that with his mouth full of French Laundry's Wagyu steak, though, so it was hard to understand.
Meanwhile, the new Trump administration continues to not quite take shape. On Tuesday, Florida Sheriff Chad Chronister, Trump's pick to lead the DEA, withdrew his name from consideration.
Three days after he was nominated, Chronister wrote on social media that he had changed his mind about accepting it as the gravity of this very important responsibility set in. It's so uncomfortable when someone named Chad does the right thing.
Up is down. I love this.
He looked within, realized he wasn't up for the job, and said so honestly. Could never be me.
I'd fake prostate cancer before I admitted not having what it takes, but I love that for Chad. That makes Chronister the second of Trump's appointments to back out after Matt Gaetz gave up on securing the votes to become attorney general.
Damn, and we had dozens of Chad Chronister jokes locked and loaded. Just absolute grenades.
You'll never hear them, each and every one. Well, better to purge them out of the joke vault to make room for new ones.
You like sound effects? It's like an old radio drama in here. In other cool guys nominated to top post news, Trump's FBI director pick Kash Patel earlier this year promoted a line of supplements from a company called, okay, Warrior Essentials that claims to help people, quote unquote, detox from the COVID vaccine.
This feels like the kind of person who needs to be reminded repeatedly that fbi doesn't stand for female body inspector i am not over the name warrior essentials which sounds like an aromatherapy mlm scam my aunt won't stop tweeting about helen please stop but we saved the sweatiest for last.

Pete Hegseth's nomination for Secretary of Defense appears to be in trouble.

On Sunday, the New York Times reported

that his mother had sent him an email in 2018

that read, in part,

on behalf of all the women, and I know it's many,

you have abused in some way. I say, get some help and take an honest look at yourself uh but you know how moms are always saying kooky mom stuff like i have no respect for any man that belittles lies cheat sleeps around and uses women for his own power and ego you are that man and have been for years and as your mother it pains and embarrasses me to say that but it is the sad sad truth moms also i'm jealous my mom will only send me like photos of my report cards from third grade with the caption do you still want this also this week 10 current and former fox employees told mbc news that heggsett's drinking concerned his colleagues during his time as a co-host of fox and friends weekend this.
This suggests that everyone else on Fox and Friends Weekend is sober, which not my first guess. Judge Jeanine Pirro said, Total lies.
There's not an ounce of truth to any of these anonymous allegations. I would never drink three Mai Tais before going, oh, we're not talking about me.
Never mind. Two of Hegstatt's former colleagues said they had smelled alcohol on his breath before he went on air on more than a dozen occasions.
And in hindsight, when you look back at his on-air appearances, it's pretty obvious. Mother? Mother, this is your son, Roger Thornhill.
Here. Wait a minute, I'll find out.
Where am I? Name the movie who can do it. Anyone? You got it.
1959, North by Northwest. We got a fan in the house.
Here we go. Said one former Fox employee, everyone would be talking about it behind the scenes before he went on the air.
This reminds me of how hurt I was when I overheard my team in the green room talking about how I look like every pale bad guy in Sophie's Choice. I'm German.
When I look angry, it means I'm happy. So Pete, I'm with you during this emotionally trying time.
And no worries. Hegseth told incoming Senate Armed Services Chairman Roger Wicker that he would stop drinking if confirmed as Defense Secretary.
I can't say how I know this, but the secret 13th step in AA is securing a cabinet appointment. They reach out to you and tell you to do this.
As of Tuesday, at least six GOP senators were reportedly uncomfortable supporting Hegseth's appointment. They weren't thrilled about him driving the party bus either.
It didn't stop him. In an effort to stem the damage, Hegseth's mom went on Fox and Friends on Wednesday to recant her email.
When you wrote that, what's the backstory? What was going on that made you so angry you wanted to write that? Well, I will tell that story in a moment, but let me make two statements first, and one is to President Trump. And I want to say thank you for your belief in my son.
We all believe in him. We really believe that he is not that man he was seven years ago.
I'm not that mother. Imagine apologizing about your parenting skills to Donald Trump to look at Eric and think, what an icon and mensch, I will not let him down.

After quickly glossing over the damning contents of her email, Penelope Hegseth, and I keep wanting to call her Penelope Pitstop, any wacky racist fans in the house? Thank you. Attacked the media for reporting on it, describing the New York Times as, quote, almost criminal for doing so.
I want to say something about the media. And part of today is to discredit the media and how they operate.
When they contact you, I let a few phone calls go, but then they call you and say they threaten you. That's the first thing they do.
They say, unless you make a statement, we will publish it as is. And I think that's a despicable way to treat anyone.
Threats are dangerous and they're hard on families. So what Penelope is saying here is that threatening a woman and making her feel unsafe is despicable.
Got it. At least she's consistent.
Love Penelope. Also, describing an unpleasant thing that will soon happen is not a threat.
In this case, it's a professional invitation to make that thing less unpleasant. My doctor told me if I don't treat this excruciating infection, I'll die.
Absolutely disgusting. These threats must stop.
But while Penelope Hegseth, aka Pitstop, was thanking Trump for his belief in her son, that belief appeared to be waning. Trump has reportedly been considering Florida Governor Ron DeSantis to replace Hegseth as his pick to head up the Pentagon.
Okay, never mind. Let Pete Hegseth drink.
We loved you on Fox and Friends weekend edition Havana Nights or whatever it's called. Behind every terrible man appointed to Trump's cabinet.
There is an equally terrible man just waiting for details of the first terrible man's drinking problem to surface. Oh, there's more in a Wednesday interview on the Megyn Kelly show.
Oh, love her and her vibrancy. Hegseth agreed that he was being.
Are you ready? Cavanaugh. Do you think you're being Kavanaughed right now? I had a member, not 45 minutes ago, look me in the eye in private, just he and I, and say, that's what they're trying to do to you.
That's what they're trying to do to you. That's their playbook.
Get ready for more. And they're going to make it up, just like they have so far.
Penelope Hegseth, an Antifa operative with the commitment and foresight to sabotage her own son with made-up accusations six years before his nomination. That's the deepest the deep state has ever gotten.
Good for them. I feel for the guy.
Being Kavanaugh, let me explain this, is when people remind you of the bad stuff you did, but then there aren't any real consequences. Okay.
Why would that be our playbook? Brett Kavanaugh is on the Supreme Court. Why would Democrats keep running the same play when we know we'll lose? Okay, that does sound like us.
I can hear it. I hear it now.
I hear it now. Also this week, Senator Tommy Tuberville lobbied Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy to scrap daylight savings time and replace it with a year-long standard time instead.
Knowing Elon Musk's skill set, hopefully he will take over Daylight Savings Time, rename it something embarrassing, and make it eight times more racist than it was before. Fingers crossed.
Tweeted Tuberville, the outdated practice of changing our clocks twice a year is ridiculous and needs to end. Pardon me as I dry heave while imagining Elon and Vivek working together to solve problems.
These strike me as the sort of intellectual masterminds who will resolve their arguments with a quick thumb war. The CEO of United Healthcare, are you ready for that? One of the largest healthcare companies in the U.S.
was shot and killed outside the company's annual investor meeting in Manhattan this week. He lay in wait for the CEO Brian Thompson, shot him multiple times before fleeing the scene on an e-bike, which is both tragic and an amazing advertisement for that e-bike.
A getaway when you need to get away? Let's invest early. Shell casings from the bullets had words written on them, deny, defend, and depose, which may be a reference to the tactics insurance companies use to avoid paying patients' claims.
Or else it's an amazing rap trio he wanted to get the word out about. It's one or the other.
I can't figure out which. Under CNN's video of the shooting, one commenter wrote, thoughts and deductibles to the family.
Unfortunately, my condolences are out of network. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
At least that's what UnitedHealthcare told me when I got an ear infection. Speaking of people who are eventually going to jail, Hawk to a girl, Hayley Welch, launched her crypto coin this week.
It crashed three hours later, losing 90% of its value and causing customers to accuse her of a pump and dump scheme. What has the world come to that you can't even trust a blowjob influencer to sell you unregistered securities? I don't know my country anymore.
If you lost all your money on the Hawk to a meme coin, don't worry, you can get it back the way our forefathers intended online sports gambling. Good luck and godspeed.
Coca-Cola used AI to create its holiday commercials this year. To the dismay of people who look forward to the company's cozy nostalgic ads.
Okay, that's enough. What's Christmas without a jaw-dropping new low in corporate greed? Mmm, cozy.
Look, Coca-Cola basically invented Santa Claus. It's up to them to decide how many tentacles he has.
Coca-Cola made no apologies for its ugly digital slop, saying in a statement, Coca-Cola will always remain dedicated to creating the highest level of work at the intersection of human creativity and technology. Plus, the polar bear is dead.
We had to go back to the drawing board. The intersection of human creativity and technology is where most people get run over by Teslas.
FYI. Don't groan at me.
I'm one of the nicest people you know. Speaking of the highest level of work at the intersection of human creativity and technology,

SNL star Sarah Sherman has begun hosting a new show

on Macs called Human vs. Hamster.

Here's the logline.

In this innovative interspecies competition series,

humans and hamsters square off

in epic battles of skill, strength, and agility for cash prizes.

Sadly, the hamsters voted out Lovett on the very first episode.

The show is one little caveat.

The hamsters are allowed to use guns.

Let's take a look.

Timmy, you got this.

Get that hamster.

Okay.

Okay.

Timmy's ready.

Can Timmy find his key faster than Nasher? $1,000 is on the line. On your marks, get set and lock it up.
Hit the lover, boy. Weekend Warrior is working.
Even worse, under the Trump administration, this is how the government is deciding who qualifies for Medicare. And before you ask whoever loses does get killed uh moving on to my favorite couple or should i say former couple sabrina carpenter and barry keoghan have reportedly broken up after a year-long relationship with one source telling people they are both young and career focused so they've decided to take a break But online rumors are swirling that Keoghan had been cheating on

Carpenter with a 21-year-old TikTok

influencer named Brecky Hill.

Even worse, paparazzi

also caught Barry in an intimate

moment with Dame Maggie Smith.

Yes, the audience

is looking at a still of Barry

in saltburn fucking a corpse.

That is the comedy we bring to the live show. Please get your tickets now.
That's right. Brecky Hill is a sexy influencer and not when you construct a ramp with the waffles on your plate.
So the maple syrup runs down and pulls perfectly by the sausage links. I was confused too.
Spotify rap dropped this week and listeners of Chapel Roan, Sabrina Carpenter and and Charlie XCX discovered they were all pink Pilates princesses, according to their mixed descriptions. It's time we normalize the F slur.
Pink Pilates princess sounds like something a mean gym teacher would call me in middle school, and I would cry. Not to be outdone, Pornhub has released their annual rap wrapped and the average american has 8.5 tabs open at once pantone announced that their color of the year for 2025 is a soft brown named mocha moose related oxford university press announced its official word of 2024 is brain rot the word of the year is brain rot the color of is dogshit.
Cannot wait for 2025. They define brainrot as the supposed deterioration of a person's mental or intellectual state, especially viewed as the result of overconsumption of material, now particularly online content, considered to be trivial or unchallenging.
Or as I'd put it, the Rizzler was very mindful, very demure when mogged skibbity-toilet all over Ohio. Gen Z, did I get that right? Haha, I'm just kidding, I'm one of you.
I'm just kidding, this is love it or leave it, please get your first mammogram. On Monday, Planned Parenthood posted a wicked-themed PSA that asked, is your discharge green? First of all, what I'm holding space for down there is none of your fucking business.
I'm trying to imagine the wizard answering questions about STDs. Pay no attention to the burning urine behind the dockers.
And finally, Dolly Parton announced an open casting call to play her in the upcoming Broadway show Dolly, an original musical. And now we know where John Lovett is.
Up next, my nemesis and hero in that order, it's Bruce Valanche. Hey, don't go anywhere.
There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. at mintmobile.com slash switch.
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This is the first time. And we're back.
please welcome to the stage the man behind all the best moments in oscars history and a lot of the worst ones which he will cop to the one and only the legendary bruce valanche i'm a larger person i'd like to clear something up right now for you football fans out there. I am not Travis Kelsey's mother.
I know the resemblance is alarming. I'm going to put down my first three cards.
God damn it. The wizard peed on my shoes.
Oh, that's too bad. I know.
You really are the top T-shirt wearer in history. He's wearing festive Christmas gear, which is a red shirt and green Crocs.
It's a regular Christmas tree. On, we're hearing this? Yeah.
Oh, good, because I'm not getting any reverb, which is what's usual. I love reverb, especially late at night.
It's very good. It's a plain little Christmas tree talking to a decorated Christmas tree and calling her a whore.
When did you begin on your t-shirt journey, which is long and storied by this point? When I grew these tits. Oh, I see.
They were man boobs for years, but face it, now they're tits. I cannot hide them.
You've earned them. When I moved to L.A., actually.
when I moved to L.A., which is before anybody here was born, literally, it was like I was in the La Brea tar pits. I emerged.
And there was a subway stop already, which was strange. When I moved to L.A.
and I discovered you can go anywhere in L.A. in a t-shirt, I said hallelujah.
I was a fat kid, and when you're a fat kid and your mother has OCD, she dresses you up and you never are correct. Everything is just a little bit wrong, and nothing ever fits you.
For years, I was a husky, which is neither man nor boy. And nothing fits in it.
If it does, it's in seersucker. It's horrifying.
So that, I discovered my comfort zone was wearing these. Now, you have a new podcast and I can't believe this is a new podcast because you should have been hosting this fucking thing for a hundred years.
Well, I didn't have the idea. It is called The Oscars, What Were They Thinking? Yeah.
And you started writing on the Oscars in 1989. That is correct.
Which, if people here don't know, is a legendary Oscars. It's when, I believe, Driving Miss Daisy won Best Picture.
No, that was next year. Oh, no, sorry.
Rain Man won Best Picture. Oh, the 89 ceremony.
Yes. That's right.
Yes. Always a year later.
Correct. And at that ceremony in the opening number, Rob Lowe was paired with Snow White for this weird number that I can only call surreal because it was so baffling.
And they kept showing people in the audience who looked horrified. Well, she came down the aisle greeting people.
Snow White. Yeah.
This is why you're at the Oscars. You may have a career-defining moment.
And here's a girl dressed up as Snow White looking at you and going,

oh, hello, Uma Thurman.

And she would have been there, would have been the dangerous liaison.

It was crazy.

It was borrowed.

The number was borrowed from a show in San Francisco

that you may have seen called Beach Bank of Babylon.

Oh, yes.

There you go.

And it was Snow White.

In that show, Snow White goes to San and and discovers a world outside of disney and uh uh and so alan carr was producing it brought the whole number down and redid it for the academy awards and of course because uh uh it was the oscars she couldn't do that number by herself she had to to have some young Hollywood stud doing it with her. And Rob Lowe

actually said yes.

So it's like a subversive, interesting number,

but we actually got it to the Oscars stage

where people would just be baffled by it.

One of the reasons it's legendary, I mean, it was like all

the terrible, the year before they'd had Terry

Agar on an airplane wing flying down to

Rio with the Rockettes. As they should have.

I don't mean to disagree with that at all.

Yeah, I love Terry. She was great.

She was a good friend.

But we joked about the fact that Rio

I would Terry. She was great.

She was a good friend.

But we joked about the fact that Rio never sued.

The Academy sued after that number

for a number of reasons that are in my book.

But what was astonishing about it was

people remember it because two weeks after the Oscar ceremony,

the Rob Lowe sex tape was revealed. Now now if you are too young to recall this uh rob had gone to the convention the democratic convention in atlanta the dukakas you should pardon the expression convention unintentional in 88 and he had he and his friend a guy had a three-way with a girl who turned out to be 17 and they taped it and it was this bootleg tape that got leaked and this is before the internet and so people would have parties to look at the tape which was eerie because i don't know if you ever watched porno with a group because back back in the day, that was really the only way you could do it.
You either go to a theater where there would be an audience or somebody would have a bootleg tape. And so they're watching.
And, of course, the tape, it's not like it's a real movie or a TV show. It's shot from the foot of the bed.
So it's like the dog's point of view it stops being

interesting i mean you you know you can look at his ass for just so long and in any event it became

a gigantic story and of course whenever they mentioned rob lowe they would say most recently

seen on the snow on the oscars dancing with snow white which prompted a lawsuit from walt disney's

company so it became legendary as a result of that i mean it's gotten much more attention than

Thank you. Oscars dancing with Snow White, which prompted a lawsuit from Walt Disney's company.
So it became legendary as a result of that. I mean, it's gotten much more attention than it should have gotten.
And Rob, much to his credit, has owned all of this. He says he was the poster child for bad behavior.
And he was in a book and he did SNL and he did a million things to tell people that he knows that he screwed up. And now, you know, he's the grandfather and he still is haunted by this thing.
And he's host of The Floor, a game show that I actually watched nine episodes of over this break. And I apologize for that.
It is an okay show. But you watch them from The Floor.
That's right. Yes.
Much like that dog. Exactly right.
Because you had some of these and you're just kind of... Now, the podcast is called The Oscars.
What were they thinking? Now, in hosting this, do you hope to unearth stories from your time, mainly on the Oscars? Well, partially. I mean, I co-hosted with a guy named Adam Davis, who is a real academician.
He understands... I mean, he's a film scholar, and so he has a brief with the Oscars that the pictures that have lasted over the years were the ones that the Oscars pretty much ignored in their day.
And since I know and have made a study of how people vote, because for 25 years of writing the show formally, you could basically see how things were unfolding so what we do is we talk about a particular year on each show and we say why this one won why that one didn't win and all that all this kind of minutiae that that that you know people now that people have google you know i mean there are no more bar fights you know people don't throw down because they don't know if Maris or Mantle hold the baseball record. They'll go, oh, you bitch.
Wait, let's Google it. Oh, it's Maris.
Okay, thank you. We'll have a beer.
So there's a culture now of all of this kind of fabulous interest in trivia. And Oscar trivia is great because it involves names that you know and movies that you've seen and heard about, or maybe movies that you have no idea existed.
There was a movie called How Green Was My Valley. Oh, yes.
1941, Best Picture. That beat Citizen Kane for Best Picture.
Correct. Citizen Kane was a scandal at the time and much regarded by people who make movies, which is always, you should remember when you are talking about the Oscar show that the Academy is made up of people who actually make movies, as opposed to the People's Choice Awards or people in malls, or the Golden Globes who were all valet parkers and wine stewards studying for their real estate license, pretending that they work for a newspaper in Cambodia.

Oh, those.

The Critics' Choice.

These are people who actually make movies. And so when they vote for something, it's significant.

So I guess this leads to my next question.

You've worked on the Oscars so many times.

Who's the biggest bitch in Hollywood? Well, how do you mean that? I'm going to let you define it. Oh, my God.
It's difficult to say. I mean, I wouldn't, I don't know who I would, Camp Roseanne.
You know, I joke about it because I worked with her and I'm very fond of her and she went Trumpy and that kind of, you know. But when I was working with her, she actually said that she said she had 43 different personalities working.
And so I asked her if she would please talk to number 16 and ask him to start speaking to number 28 because we weren't getting any work done. so I'm very fond of her, but I will have to say that she has, you know, I mean, she's legendary, right, Ed? But, you know, I think that the lesson of Wicked, part one, is that who's really wicked? Is this witch really wicked? What is wicked really? Who is a bitch really? And why are they a bitch? Where did that come from? They weren't born bitch.
And so I think that if anything, that movie is having a kind of salubrious effect on things like who's the biggest bitch in town. Right.
It's just on the card. You think I wrote these? Come on.
Yes. Oh, I love it.
I didn't write this shit. This is the thing every writer goes to.
Right. You deal with all the time with somebody when something bombs.
I didn't write this shit. Now, you started in 1989.
Your last Oscars telecast was the one hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway. Yes.
Which I remember very... Don't tell either of them they did it.
Okay. What was your...
I mean, like, I'm always interested when actors actually agree to host the oscars because why i mean like anne hathaway beloved james franco beloved why do this thing that involves literal stand-up comedy uh franco i mean i don't know exactly why anne said yes i think that she thought it would be uh an interesting thing to add to her resume because she's a persistent instrument and she she can do it all I know that James did it because he knew he was going to be nominated for 127 hours. Was that? Yes, correct.
Where he gnaws off his arm or whatever. And he said, I'm going to be, I am not.
In fact, he was nominated. And he said, I'm going to sit there.
I can sit there for three hours and lose to Colin Firth, who in fact won for playing the stuttering King of England, or I can host a show and have a good time. And, of course, he did host a show.
I don't think he had a good time. But I think he thought this is something to do instead of, if by some wild chance I win, I'll be in the wings and I can come out and say thank you.
But he knew that wasn't going to happen. So I thought it was the kind of thing that probably came to him, you know, in some sort of a dream.
Here's it. I don't have to sit through this thing.
I'll host it. I assume you have tons of material from your time in the trenches there, but I've been told specifically that you may have some Madonna material.

Well, Madonna was on the show once, twice, actually,

because two songs that she did in movies were nominated.

And actually, they both won.

You Must Love Me from Evita and Sooner or Later from Dick Tracy.

And Andrew Lloyd Webber, it was the English patient year.

The English patient won nine Oscars, and we were all amazed because I have viewed it as the trial of the century with the English patient. And when he won for writing the song for Madonna for Evita, he came up and said, well, thank God there was no song in the English patient.
But the first time he won, it wasn't Sondheim, who wasn't there. Sondheim had broken his leg and couldn't fly, so he was not there.
And Madonna did sooner or later. But she was very nervous.
Her date was Michael Jackson, which I think would make anybody nervous. I worked with him, and it just made me nervous.
How are you? I'm fine. How are you? Okay.
She, so you can see on the tape, she's like kind of quivering. And part of the reason she was quivering was as she went on, she said to me, look at the front row.
And in the front row was Kevin Costner. This was the Dances with Wolves year.
And he was winning everything. And Kevin Costner was in the madonna truth or dare documentary right and said something to her like i thought your show was nice and she said nice yes yeah i thought your show was neat oh neat she's not neat i don't do neat you know and she had heard he was pissed off that she had included that clip in the documentary so now she's got to go out and do this hot sex number in her Monroe ensemble in front of him.
He's right in her, right under her, as it were. And so she was actually scared.
She was very scared. And she got through the number and all that.
And she had, there were bodyguards, and there were two gigantic guys like slabs of humanity who were next to her and we're standing in the wings i'm standing between the two slabs of humanity and she comes off and she sees me and she throws herself at me and she's still quivering and the two slabs are going like what do we do about this what we do about and she's quivering And she's still quivering. And the two slabs are going, like, what do we do about this? What do we do about this? And she's quivering, and she's quivering, and she's quivering.
And finally she stops, and she looks up, and she says, thank God that's over. I think she meant the song.
I couldn't be sure. But she was out of thereroom! She was back to the loving arms of Michael Jackson.
Now, you also have a new book coming out. I do.
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time. A Bad Idea.
A Bad Idea at the Time. And the reason it's called It Seemed Like a Bad Idea at the Time is because not only have you written for the Oscars, you've written for some of the legendarily campiest specials in television history.

I will allow you to name some of them,

but I will start by saying that when my friends heard

that I was interviewing you, simultaneously,

multiple of them messaged me about the Star Wars Christmas special.

The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Sorry, I don't mean to be secular about it.

Well, because George invented a holiday, Life Day,

and so it was not a Christmas show.

But we couldn't say Life Day because people thought it was going to be a telethon for some insurance company or some hitherto unknown disease. And you wrote for the Osmonds and the Brady Bunch Variety Hour.
The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. Television used to be good.
You'll think that. The Paul Lind Halloween special.
These are shows that have achieved a life on YouTube. And every year, whenever they're on, I get inundated with emails from people.
And when I'm on podcasts hosted by younger people, they say, how did these happen? Who said yes to this? And have they paid their debt to society? So I thought there's a book in this. So I wrote a book about how I wrote for the worst TV shows in history and lived.
And it's called It Seemed Like a Bad Idea at the Time. On pre-order at Amazon.
Dropping March 4th right after the Oscars. So hustle on down to your computer.
Going back to the Star Wars holiday special, I don't know why you passed that up. Oh, ask me anything.
Well, first, can we throw to a clip of it starring the fabulous, does anybody know the name I'm about to say? B. Arthur.
B. Arthur, yeah.
Just one more dance, friend. Just one more chance, friend.

Yes.

Was this your idea, bitch?

Well, it was CBS's idea to have Bea on the show

because she was mauled at the time.

Of course.

Pre-Golden Girls.

And they wanted to pepper the show with CBS names.

And she was interested in doing it

because before she came

to television,

she was a Broadway

musical comedy star.

She was in the original

Mame with Angela Lansbury,

won a Tony,

and she was in the original

Fiddler on the Roof,

the original Yen to the Matchmaker.

So she wanted to sing

and nobody would let her sing,

you know,

because as I used to tell,

it's because you sing

in Harvey Fierstein's key.

It's you and Harvey, the only ones. It's the key to the basement it's very low down here below the wine painful you have to cross your legs when she sings you begin to feel the vibration coming up so i knew uh we have to find something for her to sing and she wanted to sing we we had her it's a complicated story but han solo and uh uh and Chewbacca are on their way home to the Kashyyyk, the Wookiee planet, for Life Day.
And they're being chased by... Yes, go ahead.
They're being chased by Imperial Stormtroopers, who all look like late-edition Ford fusions. Very odd.
And so they make a detour to a Tatooine to the cantina. Bum, bum, bum, bum, ba-da-ba.
And all the aliens are there. And Bea runs the cantina.
This was in her Statue of Liberty period. She's running it.
And so we thought, well, this is great. And she can have a song because she's running the bar.
And she brought in a song by Kurt Weill and Bertolt Brecht called the Alabama Song. Frank Zappa fans will know it.
Oh, show me the way to the next I tell you I will die. I tell you I...
It's a real up-colonay kind of song. And she wanted to do that, and the Bertolt Brecht estate said, no, nein, never Never! So Ken and Missy Welch, who were writing on the show, wrote her a song like that, which is somewhere between that and Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never...
Anyway, fairly jolly, and she's dancing with aliens. So now we're shooting the show, and the aliens we have on the show are not top-drawer aliens.
Because George is about to start shooting The Empire Strikes Back and he has a whole bunch of new aliens, but he's not going to let us use them. And so we have to go to find old aliens, and so we had to go to the alien outlet mall in Cabazon and find these aliens.
And they're all ill-repair, scotch tape, Elmer's glue all and that kind of they've been worn they stink and it's also we're shooting at warner brothers and it's uh like august september and it's very hot and there it's like those characters at disney you know you put on a head and you dance around and then just you can't breathe and so they all face plant you know sooner or later So we lined up these aliens, and it was so hot on the set that they were, one after another, they were going down. And there was one particular alien who we lovingly called Cunt Face.
Because it was, the head was a vagina on a nondescript body. I think wearing kind of a uniform.
But, you know, George has a thing about vajayjays. It's a leitmotif.
You know, in the Empire, I think, there's a big red angry one in the desert that swallows up Jabba the Hutt. I'll have to research that.
And Carrie is hanging on, you know, with handcuffs and all that. You must check it out.
But there is some kind of vaginal thing happening in almost all of those movies. It's always artistic, but it is what it is.
And so we called him Cuntface, and the network sensor didn't seem to mind. She said, he looks familiar.
I thought, oh, she's been standing over a mirror again. No, no, no.
So every time somebody passed out,

I would move cunt face closer to B.

Because here's a trick.

If you're an extra on a thing,

try and get in the same frame as the star.

Then you won't get cut out.

So I said, let's move.

And so finally we were shooting the thing and it was B and cunt face almost a two shot.

And she finishes the number and she's going, I tell you, I will die, I will die. Wham! And she whacks Cuntface.
And Cuntface just goes over backwards. Boom.
And B just kind of looks down at him and kind of looks back and says, well, I've never hit a man in the cunt before.

Pause.

Cut.

We'll go again.

Bring in a new alien.

And there's a tape of it somewhere.

Every so often,

somebody

puts it online,

but they wait for just right because there are bots now that are searching it out right and every time it shows up somebody you know somebody I don't know who somebody at Lucasfilm I think their entire job may be finding that clip it'll be they'll be replaced by AI there's no question about it I cannot stop picturing Cuntface going down. Wow.
That's very vivid. I know.
Or going down on Cuntface. Right.
A whole other thing. Probably not in the Star Wars attraction at Star Wars Canyon, you should pardon the expression.
We're not that progressive. We will get there, I'm sure.
Well, thank you, Bruce. Listen to the Oscars, What Were They Thinking, wherever you get your podcasts.
Next up, Raven Simone would like to have a word. Oh, and we're back.
Now, you've seen my next guest in literally every television show that's been made in the past 30 years, and I'm barely exaggerating. Please welcome to the stage Raven Simone.
Hi. Hi.
Oh, comfy. Do you feel uncomfortable that you're the second guest to wear Crocs today? Did you think that was going to be your thing? Listen, anybody who can show up in these Crocs, kudos.
I'm down for it. I'm not mad, but his was green.
That's true. It's okay.
And black Crocs, they go together to me. Black Crocs go together.
I don't have a song for that. Also, you smell amazing.
Congrats on it. Thank you.
Thank you very much. I work hard on that.
Actually, I told my wife today, I was like, I think we're at the point of our marriage where you just have to buy me my smells every Christmas. She's like, okay, dad.
Like, I can't help it. I needed my smells.
Thank you. I'm glad you like it.
Now, in honor of your new gig, hosting the CW's new Scrabble game show, which, by the way, there used to be an old Scrabble game show with Chuck Woolery, May He Rest. He wasn't that good a person, but maybe, May He Rest.
I've been waiting for a new Scrabble to come back, so thank you so much for achieving my dream. Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome. We wanted to challenge you with questions about your career and also about the official Scrabble dictionary.
Okay, obviously. In a segment we're calling A Word with Raven Simone.
Are you ready? I'm ready, sir. Okay, well thank God.
Oh, that's a cute picture. Oh, look at us.
Jesus. Yeah, that's cute.
That's a cute picture. I have never been Svelter.
Oh my God. I wanted to ask up top, have you ever taken a day off work since the day you were born? You have been on television literally since before you had the choice to be on television.
Very true. I have to be honest, I've never taken a day off of work.
I remember there was one moment though, and it wasn't work. I was trying to do like a Martha Stewart on YouTube a million years ago.
It was called Raven Simone Presents. And I was on like really bad depression medication at the time and i like crawled underneath the table i was like i don't think i can do it today and then i was like i'm never taking that again and now i just you know walk around with a fidget all day because i can't take off of work it's impossible i also want to say that you were actually in demi lovato's recent documentary called child star correct.
And before we get into the game, I want to play a clip of that conversation. Triggers.
But I do remember how difficult I was to work with because I was in so much pain and I was hurting. I mean, you weren't the nicest person.
Right. You weren't like, welcome.
You know, you weren't doing that. But being the type of person I am and that I've been in the industry for as long as you, and I understand the glaze over the eyes, I didn't hold it against you.
I just was like, something's going on there. Well, that's fascinating to me.
Is that like a common occurrence? Like being around other child stars and just sensing a struggle? Celebrities in yeah there's a struggle that i think a lot of people overlook because you are overwhelmed with the accolades and all of the characters they do but i witness a lot of people in the industry and i'm like oh hi glaze i know that look oh hey you need to go home But we don't talk about it that much. It's like the secrets.
I mean, you were a veteran at a very young age. Do you feel like you basically had to grow up too fast? I don't know.
I had to grow up at the speed that I needed to grow up in in order to get these taxes paid. You know what I mean? I had jobs.
I had directors directors i knew things at a young age when it came to business a lot uh before a lot of people my age and sure looking from the outside in you grow up fast but i mean i just created a really thick skin so that i didn't uh fall too hard you know and you're with me now and you smell great, as I said. Oh, yeah! In my opinion, you won.
Shall we jump to some Scrabble? Let's jump to Scrabble! All right. Raven, here's the deal.
I'm going to give you some words and you tell me if they're real or not. I'm done.
And I don't want to be disappointed, so let's get it together. Winning.
Raven, is this a real word in the Scrabble dictionary? Za, a noun meaning pizza, Z-A. Za Za is a real word but I don't know if it's a noun meaning pizza But I think za is a real word It is yes very good I think still the last letter on the two letter words list Which my mom made me memorize at a young age Talk about being a child star Look at that Look at you successful I see Scrabble in my house was no joke.
It was scary. I played with my grandparents.
And how old were you then? Nine-ish. Yeah, that's a hardcore life.
And they were Irish. And you know that there is a darkness to them.
That is a darkness. Right.
Sorry. You know what? I see you.
Thank you. Fucking finally.
Is this a real word in the Scrabble dictionary cyclopsie noun the medical term for the state of being a cyclops i'm gonna say no that is not a word you are correct again i would love to accuse cyclopsitosis yes that's right it's much more it's much more. Yes.
Come on now. I would love to accuse somebody of having cyclopsie.

There are a few in my life, I think.

Is this a real word in the Scrabble dictionary?

Batman, a proper noun, the name of DC Comics, Dark Knight.

Oh my goodness.

I'm going to say that that is a real word.

You're three for three.

It is.

I'm the host of Scrabble on the CW every Thursday night. You're missing it.
It's on right now. You're missing it.
Where's my ratings? Oh, we're going to help. Thank you.
Also, that is not because of the Caped Crusader. I guess a Batman was also a historical term for an orderly or attendant or a British military officer.
You knew that, though. You knew that.
Wait, a British military officer named Batman? Why not? You know what? Next question. They're cute over there.
They're real cute. They use the word maths over there.
Like, they study maths. I think that's so adorable.
All of them? British people, they've all agreed to use this word. That's fair.
So that's multiplication and division? Right. Any math you can think of, add an S.
Maths. Done.
Maths. I do English very well.
See? Is this a real word? Lavalia, noun, the layer of superheated air on top of freely flowing lava. No, that's not a word.
You are right again. You guys, you guys, guess what? I went to set school.
Do you know what that is? That's when you go to school on set. But I also went to public school.
You guys, I'm killing it right now. No, we thought we were nailing these fake words and you're embarrassing us.
I'm killing it. Go set school.
Is this a real word in the Scrabble Dictionary? EO. EO.
Yes. Noun.
A type of deep sea wavelength. Yes.
No, Raven, it's not. Yes, it is.
You went to set school and everyone can tell. It is a real word.
Captain EO from that one Michael Jackson movie. That's what you're thinking about.
That's what I'm thinking about. Co-starring.
Can anybody name who I'm thinking of? Angelica. You are correct.
Angelica Houston. Well done.
No, we made that up. It sounded so real.
We almost fooled ourselves. Yeah, you did it good.
Yeah. Is this a real word in the Scrabble dictionary? O-E noun.
A whirlwind off the Faroe Islands. Yes.
Yes, it is. Oh, see.
It's just, okay. You got it a little mixed up.
I was, yeah. Yeah.
I knew something was up. There are a couple of important Scrabble two letter words that are just two vowels like A-E-O-I-O-E anyway.
Good job mom. That's right.
Know that for season two of Scrabble. Good job.
You did a good job with him. And finally Raven is this a real word in the Scrabble dictionary? Ba B-A noun the immortal soul in Egyptian mythology.
Ba is a real word, however it's the sound of sheep makes. You're right again, and a bit rude.
And a bit rude. How is, okay, first of all, you hosted The View, you've had every kind of acting experience ever.
Game show hosting, is it an amalgam of your previously used talents or does it feel like a completely new juncture for you? It feels like a new juncture for me. I'm doing it in conjunction with the podcast with my wife called Tea Time.
And so going back and forth between what I learned on The View and then having to learn an entirely new skill. But when the camera's off, I have to input some of that hosting to keep the energy up because let's not get it twisted, we're playing Scrabble.
So we have to keep the energy up. And going back and forth between those two talents is interesting.
It took me a while to understand. I watched a lot of Dick Clark.
I watched the original Scrabble. I watched just a lot of Dick Clark and just how he just riffs off really quick and understands how to get in and out of the, what do we call them? Like the rules of the game.
The rules of the game. They call them something like Bunton's or something like that.
But yeah, the rules of the game and making sure that everybody's playing well. So it's a little different.
But I like it. Also, you picked the correct – he's my favorite game show host of all time.
There's something about Dick Clark where it's like the decibel level is always exactly right. Like brings the audience in, brings the audience out.
Right here. Right here.
He eats the mic just like this. Hello, everybody.
We're right here on the pyramid. Yeah, this man is real.
What are you talking about? Yeah. This man is – yes.
Because once upon a time, game show hosts came from radio. So they all had this like supersonic like understanding of what people listen to and what tunes people out.
Yeah, he was amazing. So well done.
Have you fallen in love with any contestants in particular? Is there any wordplay you've admired on Scrabble? Calm down, bro. Calm down.
This is my zone. I could watch this shit all day.
I am in love with the person that has memorized all the two-letter words and all the three-letter words. I find it so interesting because there is a part of the brain that I don't have.
I just don't have that part of the brain, so it mesmerizes me every time I see it. I love Scrabble because it's for every type of person from the popular person to the nerd to the grandma to the kid to the teenager to everyone and when you see people play the ones that are really into it just the fact that they know the difference between OE and EO and actually knows what it means and knows how to stack it with another word.

I love puzzles. I love games.
So it's mesmerizing. It's interesting you say you don't have that

skill set because you obviously are an actor, so you're memorizing things all the time. And I feel

like all Scrabble really requires is memorization skills if you want to look up the two and three

letter words. Yeah, no, I don't really memorize very well.
I'll remember something and forget it

the next day. That's why I don't know how to spell either because that's all I do for spelling tests.
You just learn it and then write it down. I don't remember how to do it.
Thank you, Siri. But honestly, I really have a bad memory.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do. That's so amazing.
No, by the way, nothing is more random in life than who can't spell. At Kimmel, we read all the jokes that will be compiled into one document.
There's this one writer in particular. I will not call him out.
Just what? Like, what did you come up with?

Yeah, it's crazy.

Spelling is, it's a long lost art.

No, it's like you just have that visual component of your brain

that's like, I remember it exactly as is,

or you know, you don't.

It's bizarre.

Exactly, exactly.

Okay, well, Raven, thank you.

You can watch Scrabble on the CW Networks Thursday at 8.

When we're back, I've been told there's a wheel?

Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.
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Restrictions apply. If you just can't get enough of me, you'll be happy to know that I host Crooked's pop culture podcast, Keep It, every Wednesday with my co-host, Ira Madison III.
This week, we're holding space to talk about the much-anticipated glicked premiere weekend. Listen to this gravity-defying episode to find out if the Wicked and Gladiator mashup will measure up to its not-so-distant predecessor, Barbenheimer.
Spoiler alerts, new episodes drop every Wednesday, only on the Keep It feed. Subscribe so you never miss an episode.
Welcome back to the stage, Bruce Valanche. We've decided you should be my adversary So we're going to be a real Frost Nixon sort of situation And I'm Elphaba Of course you are, yes Alphabetically speaking Tis the season to spend hours searching for the perfect Present for people who really just want cash And silence But since this isn't the year where anyone is getting what they want, we're going to

share a gift recommendation for that special

someone in your life or that

someone that you've been seeing for a few weeks

and you don't want to get them something too nice, but you

can't give them nothing. Sorry, projecting.

Anyway, we're all gay. And

these are all gifts.

We are? Oh my God.

Cue up the gay gift guide.

I just want to say

we have all categories

of homosexual represented here.

Someone who's written

for a couple of Oscar ceremonies,

someone who's written

for a whole bunch

of Oscar ceremonies,

and Raven Simone.

That's the three.

I think that works.

That's everybody.

I like it.

Let's spin the wheel. It's me! It's Raven Simone, television's own.
It's me! Do you have a gift guide recommendation for us? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say get a portable tea kettle.
And why would you you say that are you just a dotty old British woman secretly true no I do think that hot water anywhere is very important yes you guys just stick with me here I love hot water it's better for hydration we know get dry, and you just need to make sure you're safe.

And then sometimes when you go to like Airbnbs, the teapot is like really rusty.

So bring your own.

And I have no other reason.

Does this mean you're a tea drinker, period?

I'm a hot water drinker.

Just hot water.

Yeah.

I've never heard this done before.

It's so good.

And then when you go and you go to somebody's house and they have a lemon, you put a little lemon in there, but I have my own

teapots. I don't trust people in the way they

clean all the time.

So you're just like sipping it really, really

slowly. Like you like it fucking hot.
Yeah, like

fucking hot. That's right.

Thank you for putting it in a language I can understand.

Gay.

Yes, right. Us three.

Well done. Thank you.

Shall we spin again? Yeah. There's only two of us left.
This is thrilling. Oh, come on, a special guest star.
Nope, it's Bruce Valanche. Yes.
All the chins are here. Bruce, do you have a gay gift recommendation, either to get or receive? Other than my book, available on Amazon now on every order.

That goes without saying. Oh, that goes without saying.
Probably a bedside microwave would be handy. To sit next to your tea.
A microwave. Well, continuing our warming up theme, all the things you could warm up while you're in bed, other than each other, or alone, especially if you're alone.
I mean's kind of like it could have the like the effect of jiffy pop on you just anything decorate it nicely you know so it's like for those snacks that you just don't need to go to the kitchen to get this is you know how you get to weigh 246 pounds very important what's the ideal first of all snack to go into a bed microwave and also, where is it? Like on an end table? Probably. Okay.
I mean, it's not on the beginning table. Right.
Probably, yes. I would say it's within reach, you know, just past all the pills.
Yes. You live in the movie Valley of the Dolls.

Yes, right. Exactly.

And the bong that you don't want to knock over

because it's glass and irreplaceable.

Artwork.

And all that.

So yes, it's probably very close to the bed

so that you can get...

Mostly, I guess, I'm thinking about like edibles

that we all crave at night,

but we won't get out of bed to get them.

It's too much work.

And I want to eliminate that problem. I'm staying over his house.
Yeah, wow. It's either that or Liza Minnelli's memoirs, one or the other.
I mean, that's pretty damn gay. Well, it reminds me of actually, am I thinking of, it's Liza Minnelli and maybe Michael Jackson who would have sleepovers in a bed and would just like, like a whole bunch of people would cuddle.
It's like, that needs a bed microwave. You know what I mean?

I don't want to leave the room. We're having too much fun giggling about bubbles or whatever's happening.

We can put the popcorn right here. Exactly right.

And the melted lava

cake and all that important stuff.

And the hot water. Are you paying

attention? You guys, there's a theme.

Because we don't eat the cake. No, we just use

it.

And we've got to spin that wheel one more time. Oh my god, it's me.
I would like to say I'm prepared for this moment, but, okay, now obviously I am obsessed with trivia anyway. I am constantly reading trivia when I don't have to.
In fact, I am a writer on the new pop culture jeopardy, which just premiered the other day on Amazon prime hosted by Colin Jost. It is so weird that he has two of my dream jobs, which is weekend update and hosting pop culture jeopardy.
So anyway, I'm going to try not to like assassinate him, but anyway, um, so I'm thinking about trivia all the time. Honestly, a good gift that I think is fun for parties, Trivial Pursuits sells stacks of cards that are just like 80s, 90s, 2000s, 2010s.
When you have those out at a party, people read them. And if you bring them to a bar and put them on a table, I'm telling you they get red and those fights you say don't happen at bars happen.
The fights happen because the Trivial Pursuit things are outdated. Which is, by the way, the best kind.
Yeah, so you can argue, no, it's not Gone with the Wind. Avatar made more money than Gone with the Wind.
But the card says Gone with the Wind. I'm sorry, the card was before Avatar.
Can we throw down now or just? No, when you get like old 80s Trivial Pursuit cards, it's shocking how many times the answer is like. It's just like that was the last thing that happened in pop culture.
So truly, if you set them out at just a dinner you're having at your house or literally bring them to a bar and put them on the bar, I'm telling you, magic occurs. You can do that or every Thursday after Scrabble, you can watch Trivial Pursuit hosted by LeVar Burton.
How about you? Yes. One of the mensches of our time, LeVar Burton.
Come on now. Do you have a history with LeVar Burton? You both have a long long television history.
Yeah, we do. Listen, a lot of the people that look like me, we all cool.
We all know each other. So yeah, I know him.
I was going to say, you've probably been to like six Emmy Awards with LeVar Burton. No.
Okay. No, I have not.
I know him, and I met him actually, I was doing the Paul Lind Halloween special. Oh.
Forgive me for not asking about the Paul Lind Halloween special. Well, this will give you a taste of it.
Roots had just been on that week, and we were shooting it. I think it was that week, or right around then.
And Roots was gigantic. I mean, it's impossible because we have so many universes now that we can choose from with streaming.
But back when there were the three networks, everybody in America was watching Roots. And so it instantly catapulted him.
And we were shooting the Paul Lent Halloween special,

and we had a smoke break.

So I went out with Paul, and we were standing outside the studio,

and LeVar Burton came down, outside at ABC, came down the walkway, and Paul immediately recognized him.

But, of course, he could not remember his name.

And so he just points at him and went Rhodes! And LaFar Burton cracked up exactly what had happened and he ran over and of course he was very busy being impressed with Paul but Paul really was an actor and he really wanted to be taken seriously as an actor who could be more than just a one-line guy. And LeVar was brilliant.
Brilliant. Brilliant.
First job. That was his first job.
No, Paul Lynn seems... He had to go through the canyon, which was right around...
Paul Lynn seems like he was both a combination of extremely hilarious and then also scary. Like, he just full of anger.
He was a miserable guy. Yeah.
On one drink, he was a lot of fun. On two drinks, he was the Nazi high command.
Yeah. I mean, he was not happy.
And when the light was on him, he was happy. But he was miserable.
And he wasn't doing what he wanted to do and was rich doing what he didn't want to do. That always happens.
Yeah. I've tale before.
It's also in the book, so there you go. Oh, okay.
More for us to excavate there. Now, when we're back, we're about to go on a joyride.
And we're back. There really is a queued up woo for Love It or Leave It that the audience recreates for us every day.
And I'm so thankful for it. Our producer Chris is standing out in the audience.
So please raise your hand to take your turn on the joy ride, which, by the way, is a very underrated Kesha single that came out this year. My joy ride was literally down the coast of California, Northern California with my daughter.
I'm from California and she was raised in Connecticut. So when we got to drive down from Mendocino and Sonoma County and watch the sunset, she had her head out the window and she was looking at the sunset and it was like a 360 and I was seeing her experience California the way I had when I was young and it was a moment that I waited 20 years for so that was my joyride with my daughter.
Jesus Christ. That was like a poem.
Almost, Joyride just peaked. You just have to cancel this bit now.
Have either of you been on any particularly fabulous road trips in your life? No. No.
I mean, no. I grew up in Jersey and we avoided them.
Good for us. Midwest.
yeah, same thing. I grew up with road trips.

My mom used to drive from Atlanta to Los Angeles because I would shoot Hang on Mr. Cooper in Los Angeles

and it was easier to drive.

My wife and I just drove from Buffalo to LA

because she was very sick

and didn't want to get on a plane,

so we drove across.

But when I tell you,

when you drive across America,

it is a beautiful experience as long as you stay on certain roads um after a certain time period it's really beautiful the food we got to work on but um i will say i love a road trip i love what it can do to family just like you and your daughter what it can do to strengthen a bond and i love a game. I love a game in a car.
Oh, look, the eyes, the eyes. It's just good.
Psycho eyes. It's good bonding.
No, true. You're right.
I think of my mom and just pointing out cars or signs or letters on signs. That was how I spent my whole childhood.
And then being way too thrilled to win and horrified to lose. I have this fun game that we play, I'm going to butcher it right now, but I'm thinking of a word and then you say what you think I'm thinking.
And I'm like, hot or cold, hot or cold. And it's literally from an emotion all the way to like a rug.
And I will play that for hours, won't I, babe? Like that's my favorite game. And then I also really like trying to do the alphabet in alpha, beta.
Going through the list? Going through the's really difficult but it's fun it eats up time when we were doing hollywood skirts whoopie was uh had had a bad flying experience and so she didn't want to get on a plane so she uh rented one of dolly parton's buses and we were shooting it now in la and she was living in new york and so She would drive out. It was 42 hours.
She had two drivers who spelled each other. She drew a map from New York to L.A.
It had every Popeye's chicken on it that you could stop at because that was what she was eating back then. It's all about the root.
It's all about the root. She's all about fried food.
42 she kept saying, oh, come on with me. We'll have fun.
I said, no. You'll be in the stateroom at the back of the bus, and I'll be sleeping on one of the shelves.
Because that's how those buses are built. And when she would get there, I would look.
And it had shelves for people to sleep on. But because it was Dolly's bus, the upper shelf was all wig heads.
H all wig heads. Oh my god.
They were empty because Dolly took the wig. She was no fool.
Because Whoopi definitely wanted Dolly's wigs. Well, you know, but she's not beyond, you know.
It wasn't her, it would be Dolores Cartier who would... Oh, yes.
The sister act. Her alter ego.
Exactly. I can't believe Dolly Parton is real sometimes.
Wow, she just really has wig heads on a bust like that. That does seem like her.
And I've worked with her and I'm working with her right now. And her hair is a lot, the same color as all those wigs.
And it's a lot like, she has real hair and all that. She just never wanted to show.
It goes back to all the days where you had to do that yeah to be on country music television basically and uh and so she just got into the habit of doing it and you know now they're all very modern looking but they are always i am a little resentful when people whose job it is just to be like a singer or a songwriter also then happen to be hilarious like no that's my whole job like you do my job on accident. Right, yeah.
You know? Not fair. Anyway, that is our show.
Thank you to Raven-Simonie and Bruce Valanche. I had a blast with you two.
Fabulous time being here. Thank you.
You're fantastic. Thank you.
Yay. Thank you.
Some quick math for you. There are 93 days till the Oscars.
Maths. Maths.
Thank you. Thank you.
Callback.

Maths with an S. Yes.

Britain, yes. Yes.

There are 696 days until the 2026 midterms, but until then, have a

great night and have a great weekend. Love it or leave it

It's love it or leave it Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles and Mohamed El-Shiki are our writers.

Evan Sutton is our editor.

Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis

provide audio support.

Stephen Colon is our audio engineer.

And Milo Kim is our videographer.

Our theme song is written

and performed by Sure Sure.

Thanks to our designer,

Bernardo Serna,

for creating and running

all of our visuals,

which you can't see

because this is a podcast.

And to our digital producers,

David Tolles,

Claudia Shang,

Mia Kelman,

and Matt DeGroat

for filming and editing video

each week so you can. It's love it or leave it.
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