Ep 527 - The Pillow (feat. Stavros Halkias, Steve Gerben, & Chris O'Connor)

The Wild Wild West.

Hello. Man.
It's good to be here, guys. We're here live with Stavros.
What up? Stevie Gerby, baby. Chris, the O'Conn man.
O'Connor. Oh, man.
God damn. What's going on in the world these days? What a fucking crew.
You know, I think we can all agree the most important thing is that Let's Start a Cult is out on VOD. November 12th.
Yes. In terms of what the country is going to be talking about and what's buzzing on everybody, Let's Start a Cult is out.
A nice, dumb comedy on VOD, folks. That's what everybody's thinking about.
And what's buzzing on everybody let's start a cult is out a nice dumb comedy on vod folks that's what everybody's thinking about and what's the date i'd november 12th i believe i don't actually fucking remember i think get it on amazon or some shit and apple you know wherever the fuck you rent the movie yeah and that's what you want to fucking think did you have did you have a lot of fun making movie? Did you have fun making a movie? Yeah, I mean, I was trying to avoid it, but there's no avoiding it. Yeah.
Right. Yep.
It's undeniably funny. It really.
Unfortunately, it is really funny. T2 is hilarious.
Yes. yeah, we all...
You did give us the day off and force us to go vote in Pennsylvania about four times each. I did.
You gave us the names. You told us to pick out gravestones, our four favorite ones, and cast votes for Trump.
You could have voted for me. That's true.
Somebody should have voted for me. I wonder what your numbers were like in Pennsylvania.
You probably got some nice write-ins for real. Yeah, I don't know.
And they count those as Trump, by the way. No, I just meant as me.
I didn't vote. Oh.
I could have given someone my vote. That's possible.
I am undeniably a Trump enjoyer. There's no denying that.
Support. I'll let the troops handle that.
I'll let the patriots take care of that. Sure.
You got stolen valor. You got Trump stolen valor.
I have the most stolen valor on that. Someone sees you in a MAGA hat.
They're like, where did you serve? Where were you in January 6th? Yeah, I'm in line at fucking Sbarro's in the mall. Did you serve? Where did you vote for Donald Trump? I didn't, but I thought he was funny as fuck.
All right, sick. Where's your official Donald Trump commemorative coin? Where's your official Donald Trump silver dollar? No, I happen.
No, I didn't buy it. People give me shit.
I definitely have a Donald Trump $1,000 bill that's gold and it has Donald Trump on it. I've got two of those.
Two separate people have given me one of those. The value's got to be going through the roof.
I can't throw them out. All the fucking old people, they're like, well, it's something to leave my family.
Trump's thousand dollar gold. Trump is going to just appreciate over time.
Did you guys remember those people that were like, they thought buying Iraqi dinar was going to be the next thing? That was like a big Fox News scam. Once democracy sets in, that currency is going to be worth a lot.
Oh, shit. ISIS.
Fuck. They got ISIS.
Does ISIS have a currency? ISIS is dead, dude. I don't know if you remember.
T1 got rid of them. They're still floating around, don't they? I don't think they're even floating around.
Shadow. Yeah.
There's got to be one guy with a lair. Yeah, he's probably hanging around.
He's probably got all the currency now. He's probably got a pet and a cat and hatching plants.
Where's their stronghold? Are they really done? I mean. They jump around.
They went to Africa for a little bit, didn't they? Yeah, I mean, isn't that just Boko Haram or whatever? Yeah, that's the ISIS adjacent. That's how it always works.
They always have branches. Like, wasn't ISIS, Al-Qaeda? And Al-Qaeda was like, you guys are nuts.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, damn.
Is that what happened? I believe. That's awesome for Al-Qaeda to be like, guys.
Al-Qaeda got Trumped. Come on.
They had a Trump situation on their hands. They thought they were crazy, and then a new guy came.
Yeah. Is that you want to see crazy? We're about to pick a fight with America.
We don't have anything. Do you think there's any ISIS guys that are into the Joker? Do you think there was a guy who came in and joked her makeup? Definitely.
They still love movies and culture. Yeah, true.
You know what I mean? That would be good. What did Bin Laden had? What was his shit? He had a movie.
He had his favorite movie. I think he had Dude, Where's My Car in his collection.
He had stuff that was like... I'm joking.
He had movies. That was one of the movies he had on DVD.
It's like Kim Jong-un being like Kevin Costner. One of the subtitles.
Yeah, yeah. Was it Kim Jong-un it just a translator stand next to it? I swear Kim Jong-un was Kevin Costner.
He was a big Kevin Costner fan. He was like, this guy's incredible.
Bring him out. And they're like, we can't get him.
He was like, you're dead. Wow.
He executed the guy for not bringing the Dances with Wolves. He was a huge Chicago Bulls fan.
He did have wrestling. Ill.
That was ill. Oh, that was Ill.
Yeah. He was Elvis, right? Wasn't that like a big thing? Didn't he get to visit Graceland once? Who? Kim Jong-un? Kim Jong-il.
Ill was the new guy. His dad.
No, no. Oh, Ill was the old one? Yeah.
Un was the new one. Kim Jong-il was...
No, Kim Jong-un was... I swear.
The new guy liked Dennis Rodman. I think

love of the bulls is like

a family trait. Oh, okay.

The dad was really...

The guy's born from the sun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love a fattest shit emperor too, man.

His fits. I honestly

want to dress like him.

And he was ahead of the curve with the flowy

outfits and shit. He's like

wide leg trousers.

That's how like gay guys dress now. That's like cool.
You go to fuck. Even kids all wear.
That was Kim Jong-un, dude. Big legs, flowy garments, dude.
Kim Jong-un fucking dresses awesome. I think they're headed over to Ukraine, Russia.
Yes, they're all jacking off. And they just got the internet, so they're all jacking off to porn.
They lost an entire battalion to fucking porn up. I mean, you saw those trenches I was showing.
You could catch a couple in there. You could catch a jack off in Ukraine.
Easy. No problem.
And then that guy peeks around the corner. You go, oh, he can't fucking lit oh! Oh, fuck.
Having a drone fly over you as you're beating

off. As you're beating off.

The whole world's gonna see you going.

It's your little ass

malnourished North Korean dick.

Do they feed the soldiers well?

I bet they do. At least.

No, right? Probably not that great.

I'm sure they have like 20 of them

that are jacked. Yeah.
And they'd march.

Yeah. The King's

Guard, like the official guard, he probably has some

Thank you. No, right? Probably not that great.
I'm sure they have like 20 of them that are jacked. Yeah.
And they'd march. Yeah.
The Kingsguard, like the official guard, he probably has some sexy guys out there. But yeah, being deployed, because they're the troops that he can do without.
He's not setting Russia his number one guys. He's setting the guys that are going to get addicted to porn.
Oh, maybe it's a pornography purge. True.
Maybe they fucking jettisoned their horny assault. They'd get me.
You'd be basically a seventh grader all over again. True, dude.
You'd get there and be like, holy fuck, dude. You've been able to jack off.
You can watch it. You can see sex.
I mean, remember just jacking off to bang bust like 30 second trailers on on like yes on uh dial up yeah these guys get on a phone broadband first time start fucking starling all right all right rush has got a call be like turn it off. Yeah.
No, it's shorting Starlink. It's like, these guys jacking off for the first time.
Yo, I saw, I saw, I've seen Starlink twice in the sky and it's terrifying. People get scared of it.
What is, it's a little back Wi-Fi. It's a row of like a ton of satellites in a straight line going across the sky.
Damn. And I've heard people like screaming when they saw it.
It looks like a UFO. It's like the scariest thing I've ever seen.
Damn. You ever see it? Yeah.
I've seen images of it. Yeah.
It's really, it's, yeah. It's not a regular satellite.
It's like, no, it's a ton of satellites. Interesting.
Interesting. I saw a homeless guy see spinners for the first time, like back in the 2002.
Oh, man. With the Trout Spring the 2002.
Like the springwell rims?

Yeah. That's awesome.

Yeah, I thought it was very funny.

What the fuck?

That's got to feel

so bad to be homeless and a guy just has

show-off rims.

Just like two pairs of rims on his

car that you would kill to live in.

You would kill to live inside that Lincoln. And this motherfucker just has extra rims.
You'd sell that Lincoln immediately for some drugs. Let's not act like these guys are just like, oh, I wish I had a home.
He'd like to jack off and sleep. He would sleep inside for two days, get warm, and then be like, I could go for some pussy right now.
I could sell these spinners right now. The spinners would go first.
Oh, me too. It'd be high as shit in the back of that car.
That's a good night. The night you still have the car and you're getting pussy off the spinners money and maybe you take the radio out too but you have shelter to get pussy inside of them.
I don't think those guys need shelter to get pussy. I guess that's true.
No, but they're going to go find their best girl. But it must feel nice to fuck inside for a change.
Do you think those boys are getting a lot of pussy? I don't know. I don't think they're getting any ever.
But that's what I'm saying. They're not getting pussy.
I don't think it's on call. No, no, of course not.
What I'm saying is. Actually, yeah, I guess it is.
Because they're all drug addict ladies. Yeah.
Oh, it takes just 20 bucks. A roof.
Takes a little bit of heroin. Yeah.
I got some heroin. Exactly.
So what I'm saying is... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I take it back. Well, no, I don't think they're fucking that much.
I think those boys are getting sucked constantly. No, no.
Stop. What is your theory? No, no.
I'm just saying they don't fuck that much, but this guy with the Lincoln, his first night, sells the spinners. It's the best of both worlds.
Before he has to sell the car whole cloth, he gets to have it, buy pussy for $20. Maybe $40.
It's not like you have to buy it. You go, I have some heroin.
Oh, true. She's in the car.
You go, you're going to have to give me a hit. I think that's understood.
And give me a hit you're not getting any heroin

all the same stuff you're like this is gonna last forever from here on out i'm turning things around that's one more hit one more blowjob

and then I'm getting a job

dude if you could like bottle and put that into your, like the happiness that guy feels the first time he does like a nice, good quality heroin and gets sucked off. That guy, that feels better than anything we will ever experience.
I don't't know i feel like i've experienced versions of that but addiction oh no i mean i guess giving into your vices i'm talking about just like the idea of like getting one paycheck and being like i'm the richest guy of all time yeah but you're going out i'm getting pussy yes true but you don't have the extreme deprivation to like juxtapose it with. Do you know what I mean?

Go. I'm going out.
I'm getting pussy. Yes.
True. But you don't have the extreme deprivation to juxtapose it with.
Do you know what I mean? Going from absolutely nothing. The living on the street.
The living on the street, getting no head whatsoever. You know what I mean? Unless you've done something awesome with your money.
These guys are making eyes at each other. I'm just smiling at Steven.
I'm happy to see him. And I know he's probably spinning in his head because he hasn't spoken yet.
No! I was waiting. He gave us the Lincoln thing.
The rims. Oh, thank you.
I was sitting here and then I was like, if Shane accuses me of not talking, I'll be like, I'll give you the whole swear thing. Steve, I got you, brother.
Thank you just checking in. I wasn't criticizing.
It's such an awesome thing. It's like, I haven't seen Starlink, but I just heard it.
It's pretty much. You could have had an fMRI machine in my brain when he said that, and I thought of the smithers, and I was like, whatever, whatever.
He said it. Yes.
No, I'm so happy to be pod. You know, on the record, I've been trying to get you clear of your you've got like a you've got like you're the USSR and he's a bonus and you won't let him come over.
No, it's not him. No, no.
If he does another podcast before he does mine. Now he's free.
All right. All right.
I said that on my own terms. Yeah.
You make your own terms. I've been trying to get Steve.
No! I'm saying, you know what I mean? Yes. You're a loyal man.
That's true. But man, I remember seeing Steve for the first time.
Maybe it was the original Tires Pilot or maybe it was even... It was probably that, right? The King sketch.
When when you guys do that yeah was that first two

summers ago right i just remember seeing this motherfucker and being i'm like that's a star baby i was like i love that guy i don't know he reminds me of tom cruise that's what it well whatever i'm gonna take that as honest to some degree i am honest you have star qualities to stop you Stop. You do.
I'm trying to be nice, dude. I can't tell.
You just said I look like Tom Cruise. Yeah, but you wear cool jackets.
You want like a leather Top Gun jacket. No, I don't.
In your head, you're Tom Cruise. No, I don't want a leather Top Gun.
You are. Which is fine.
A period of time in my life, maybe. 20 years ago.
20 years ago. People change.
Hold on. You thought you could ever pull off Tom Cruise? That's crazy.
I remember I literally had a friend tell me, he's like, do you actually think you're sexy? You still think you're sexy? That's awesome. Men can be.
What? You still think you're sexy? Well, first of all. I know you.
What was the problem? No! Hold on a second. If I did, who cares? That's a tough admission, Steve.
If you think you're sexy, I'm going to be mad about it. Why? Because you're not.
I know I'm not. And I'm your friend and I'm here to help you.
But you're sexy. No, I'm fucking not.
You stop and die. That's a good move.
That's a good move. That's good, Steve.
Good work. All right.
What else? The Ravens are on. If we lose to the Bengals, I'll fucking kill myself.
I also distinctly remember that I was trying to shoot, you know, some sort of short. And this is, again, I was probably like in my late teens.
And I had a running sequence. And then when I saw myself run, like Chris's joke, it's like, oh, my God.
Yeah. It looks nothing like.
In your head, you've like pumped in. You're beautiful.
Dude, I know. I'm not even doing this just to plug the movie again.
But I didn't realize I wrote this script. But I didn't realize I wrote myself to sprint like four times and i was so fucking fat that it was like the first time i was like i'm a fucking athlete and i wake up the next day my entire body's fucking short from one sprint of like full speed and we had to like turn it up on the you do like two times the film to make it I'm so fucking fat.
And it just looks like, whoa. It looks like it stops booking it.

And I... on the, you had to like two times the film to make it look good.
I'm so fucking fat.

And it just looks like, whoa.

It looks like it stops booking it.

And it's double the speed.

I'm like, God, I'm like.

I would go see the movie just for that.

It's like a Charlie Chaplin movie.

It is, dude.

It's like scurrying her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jumping on a trolley.

Yeah, dude, it's so.

And yeah, you look so fucking stupid trying to run.

I don't know, man.

I like Steve thinking he's sexy personally.

Because even though it's not true, right?

Let's put that on the record.

It's important.

Physically.

It's important when he fucks for him to think he's sexy.

Yeah, that is a zone I wish I could get into is thinking I'm sexy.

Because it doesn't matter.

Especially while fucking.

It's for yourself. It's fuel while you fuck.
Because it doesn't matter. Especially while fucking.
It's for yourself.

It's fuel while you fuck.

Because in that moment...

I've had a lot of fucks

go wrong. Getting in my own head.

For sure. I've lost direction.

What happened?

I've lost direction. What happened there?

I thought about what we were doing.

You allowed me to do this?

I got outside of myself for one second and I completely collapsed. but you get in there and you get in the zone sexually i could see that this episode is brought to you by call of duty calling all call of duty fans verdansk is back in call of duty war zone starting on april 3rd you'll be able to drop back into verdansk experience all the chaos and relive the thrill you've you've been missing.
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Rated M for Mature.

Absolutely.

And you go, what?

We're having fun.

I like to have a little fun.

I love that Steve is the most sexual.

I do.

Shane has your house bugged.

Shane has your house bugged.

I've got everything. I know everything.
After Tyrus comes out, I'm going to black him out of all the photos. He's never going to have existed.
Also, it's fun to imagine that that is the conversation in Steve's head while he's doing that. It's just there with him and he's going what? He did dodge a bullet.

He tried to get me real good.

And he dodged it. What happened?

I was going to probably I knew his lady was coming

to visit. And I said, you're going to

perform oral sex, aren't you?

And he was like, well, I like, I enjoy

oral sex.

I was like, ew.

Another eater.

Yeah, of course. Hold eater.
Yeah, of course. Yeah, dog.
That's my boy. Keep that.
Keep that, Sean. No, it's regarding to you.
You bark. You fucking.
I knew Steve was going to be face be face down ass up and it's a really low God? Yeah, I've done that. There's nothing wrong with that.
You get on your knees on the side of the bed? Yes. What if it's a really low bed? You can pop up and stick it in.
And then go back down. This man's a sex demon, dude.
You pop up and stick it in and then go, I want to taste it. I want to get back down.
He fucks and eats again. You're awesome, dude.
You got to get that rhythm of like, you get it going? I love it, dude. I love it.
Get in there, Steve. You fuck like an R&B singer from the 90s.
Like a wood floor. You're going to fucking kill my knees.
That doesn't hurt your knees. You You lay down.
You're a prepared lover. You lay down a blanket or a pillow.
Sometimes I'll throw a pillow down. Sometimes no.
Sometimes no. Sometimes you say, we're getting a little.
The pain is part of the pleasure. The pain on his knees is part of the pleasure.
So he was all day. Yeah, I knew he was going to perform.
You're going to think of me. And he was like, good Lord like good lord because obviously i was gonna and then when it was over i came out of the bathroom and out loud i was like yes and she was like what i was like oh i just then i told her what happened and he i didn't think of it while he was in the bathroom he didn't think of it during the feeding.
He was lost in the feeding. Shut up.
He was receiving nutrients. You are a fucking vampire.
You are a fucking Nosferatu. Yeah.
Muff juice Nosferatu. You need to get your vitamins.
You need your vitamin P. So you eat your vitamins on your knees.
You stand up. You dip your dick in.
You go back. Don't say dip your dick in.
You dip your dick in. You take the oil.
You go back down. Back to your chin.
You're mocking this. It's awesome, dude.
I support it. It's just funny that you do it.
It is. Do you understand? But I love that.
He's a sexually liberated man. Totally sexually liberated.
I'm the opposite. I'm totally repressed.
Yeah, yeah. Catholic, you're Jewish, right? Yeah, he has no God.
Love that. Culturally, yeah.
Respect, dude. I grew up Greek Orthodox, but I'm godless as well.
Yeah. And I think it's, but even a little early religion will repress you no matter what.
Yeah. I think it's probably a good thing.
Do you stay repressed? I think, no. At least as a kid, get a little repression there.
I don't know. A little bit.
I don't like. Then you got somewhere to grow.
The kid's jacking off and being like, I'm going to hell. Yes.
That's a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah but if you're like what am i doing to this woman if i'm like losing myself into eating her pussy every day sounds awesome that's good it sounds nice i wish i could do it but i'm saying it's nice to know that there is a line and a limit where i'm not gonna stand up stick my dick in put the pillow back on the ground and go back down to munching. That sounds cool, dude.
Imagine losing yourself like that, dude. It's not a plan.
The idea that you have a plan. Because it's a good move.
No, he envies you, Steve. Steve, he envies you, Steve.
I do. He envies you.
I envy your ability. Now, do you ever hit a CP and then go, ooh, it's feeding time again? Have you considered it? No.
Nothing to say. No.
Have you ever tasted your own? No. That is next level.
I know you've tasted it. You never looked at it.
Oh, come on. I'm a sticky eater.
Ew, ew, ew. Chicken tenders, but none of his own cum.
He's pulling the cum apart. I'll only eat this part.
Have you ever seen me do that? Everybody's seen you eat. You're like a fucking praying man.
It's crazy. You're going to be so mad when my top comes off.
Because you're ripped. Well, I've been working on my core.
Awesome. I don't like the way I said that either.
But you said what? What? Well, I regret saying all this. No, no, I'd like to hear it.
I just saw myself today in the mirror. I was changing.
I was like, Shane's going to be pissed at me when it comes time to. When you wrote yourself in for taking your shirt off.
Did I write that? So you lifted your abs? I didn't know I write that. I'm excited for it.
Yeah. Tell me after.
I don't remember what it is now. No spoilers.
Folks, we got a great season of Tire Season 2. It's good.
It actually is fucking awesome. And I love the part where you wrote in you eating pussy and we're showing it.
Okay. We're showing it Vincent Gallo, brown bunny style.
You're getting your dick sucked on screen. The whole season is just Steve.
Getting eating pussy. I get tight, close up.
The whole fucking, it's 12 straight hours. Steve.
Occasionally he talks to the camera. We wrote dialogue.
He'll pop up and go, hmm, now that's good. Delicious.
Now that's good eating. And he has one line of show and you gotta guess.
It's fun's thrilling you never know what he's gonna say it's like fleabag yeah turn actually down the barrel of the camera I know nobody likes this I'm just gonna say very quick you are so good at stuff you're so good I truly can't wait for everybody to see it. No, dude.
We're fucking... Let's suck our...

Not to suck our own dicks, but this is...

Everybody's...

I'm surprised we're all good actors.

Honestly, it doesn't make any sense.

Everyone's...

What I do like is that we're...

It's an ugly-ass show, and we're all surprisingly good actors.

Like, there's no sexy motherfuckers.

You know, you below the neckline. That's what's also awesome.
Look, face-wise, it's a wild thing you got going on. You're like a young grandpa.
You know what I mean? You've got a twinkle. This is so mean.
Thank you, Shane. You've got a twinkle in your eye.
You've got big doe eyes. I like that.
They're beautiful eyes, but I'm saying you have an interesting juxtaposition that then when you – that's the second time I said that. You got an interesting mix.
And then when you take the titties out and you're ripped, that's even better. It's weird, yeah.
I think that's good, though. You're talking to a guy whose whole thing is dazzle camouflage, confusing women into not understanding what's going on so that they'll fuck with me.
You know what I mean? There's so much going on. They're like something's interesting.
If God didn't smite you with that arthritis, you'd be a demon. He needed to nerf you.
God needed to nerf you because you'd be fucking You'd be a problem in one way think of what you do to pussy think of the disastrous things you do you wouldn't be doing this show no you'd be selling rims to get pussy yeah absolutely you'd be doing heroin You'd be selling your spinners. Fucking get a blowjob from a heroin addict.
Yeah, you'd honestly just be a successful small businessman that lived for pussy. Which, nothing wrong.
By some metrics, that's sort of what I am as well. I'm a podcaster.
I sell, and all I do is try and fuck but you know it's awesome dude yeah what were you doing before tires you mean like for work yeah I was working for my brother what was your long term did you have a long term as a paralegal yeah that's what I did I mean my, my brother, Gerben Law Firm, best boss I've ever had.

I love him so much.

Hell yeah, dude.

And yeah, I was doing that.

And he was,

I mean,

I worked for him for 16 years.

And like I said,

still do to some degree,

but he was so supportive

of any time I would do something,

he would give me time off

and then, yeah.

You were a paralegal?

Yeah.

Me too, brother.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, I'm a fellow legal professional. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What were you doing? Dude, I didn't even, like, I didn't technically get my degree from UMBC. I left with two language credits.
And they were like, oh, you're going to. There's one of them fucking Greek.
Dude, I could have taken a test to get out of it. And I just, I was like, so what happened is they let me walk because they were like, oh, you'll get these in the summer.
And I was like, sure. And then I walked and my mom saw me walk.
And I was like, that's what I went to fucking college for. I don't give a fuck about a diploma.
So I didn't have a diploma. And then my friend was like, I work at this law firm.
And I was like, all right, I'm just going to say I have my degree. See what happens.
Didn't check.

Turns out they didn't check because they were a completely unethical law firm.

It was like,

that like literally like two years later,

the fucking,

the one of the partners blew his brains out on the parking lot.

Cause he was embezzling and shit.

That's kind of funny.

Cause you ever see that?

Like there's a comedy sketch where they take the sticker.

You know how vans have stickers with their families on.

Yeah. It's funny to take off like yeah goldstein schmidt and it was a fucking foreclosure law firm and i didn't know that and when i got there i was like well i'm not helping these ass's homes.
So I just was like, I'm just not going to work and see how long it takes them to fire me. It took them a year, dude.
I just had a job. I mean, that one guy had a lot going on.
Yeah. He wasn't really worried.
Maybe that's what did it. Maybe it was like, holy shit, this guy forged his resume.
He's losing so much money. Gotta have principles.
It was such a fucked up place. What do paralegals do? What do you guys even do? I was supposed to set hearing dates.
That was my whole thing. I was essentially a very specific secretary.
What did you do, Gerben? It was a trademark law firm. I would do the trademark searches and then fill out the report.
Then you give it to the attorneys. Then they get all the fucking credit.
You were doing all the grunt work. I think that's what paralegals do.
Yeah, like all the grunt work. Did you ever think of becoming a lawyer? Yeah, like very briefly, but I was so bad.
Your goal was to remain a paralegal? No, it was to try and... Eventually get a law degree.
No, no. It was to try and do something in the entertainment business.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Of course. Yeah, I also had like a 1.4 GPA from Drexel.
Oh, yeah. You're stupid.
He's smart. Oh, we talked about this.
I forgot. That's like the old Simpsons joke about Milhouse where someone calls him a nerd and he's like, I'm not a nerd.
Nerds are smart. Just appearing nerd-coded but being fucking dumb.
Isn't awesome. One for a Drexel, bro.
Might have been a one-seven, but it was definitely... What did you fail? It was the end of my scholastic career.
What was the... Do you remember, like, do you remember any, like, particular scholastic failures?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, all of them.

Because we talked about it last time.

I first went to George Washington.

I fell down there.

I went to Delco Community College.

I fell down there.

Fell down there.

Delco Community College.

Those classes are tough.

Went.

Delivered mail.

Then worked for my dad at the business. Delivered mail? Yeah.
You were a't that hard to do yeah isn't that hard to like get especially because my vision was really really bad everybody's getting mail and the issue was i was like uh i forget what they call but uh it wasn't like i had a mail root it was like like I filled in for whoever was sick. It was always new route.
Auxiliary mailman. The utility carrier.
Casual carrier was the term. Casual carrier.
Casual carrier sounds like AIDS. Did you have like a jeweler's glass to read the addresses? No.
I had a streetie glass that I had to put on and take off. Yeah.
Casual carrier really does sound like the Johnny Appleseed of AIDS. Going from fucking public bathroom to public bathroom hitting up Craigslist.
Hey, Beyonce's taking her clothes off. I've never seen this commercial.
In front of children, that's good to have sex and then kids. Confuse everybody.
Dude, fucking repressed Catholic. Dude, let's show those titties off.
How old is she now? 45. I have no idea.
That was my guess, too. That's the number that popped into my head.
I thought you were more pervert than I thought, dude. No, you know what? Actually, hold on.
I don't know how old Beyonce is. I'm going to say 39.
Yeah. I'm going to say 39.
I'm good, bro. Just Google what each Beyonce is.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna say 39 I'm good bro just google what HBianca is yeah I think I'm going 40 so wait I'm 36 exactly that's kind of the math I did she's probably like 41 oh I'm 41 I definitely remember the I'm not a repressed Catholic so the commercial was the hottest woman in the world taking her clothes off and it's like oh I'm getting hard a little and then they cut the two they cut to two kids. I thought you meant kids shouldn't be able to watch it.
No, kids are in it. There are two children sitting in there and I'm starting to get hard.
And then the cut happens. Your dick is hard and it cuts to two kids.
It literally zooming in on Beyonce's ass while she takes her jeans off. I thought you meant little boys watching football aren't allowed to look at Beyonce.
Two little girls, two twins. Oh, there you go.
And it's twins. And just like that, it's twins.
It's like the Tyler Durden flash. Yeah, yeah.
Subliminal messaging. Yeah, dude.
If they've already got, oh, you're right. Twins.
How's your dick not supposed to get hard? Twenty-eans. Forty-three.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah.

There you go, girl.

That's pretty good.

I would say it.

Beyonce is pretty.

One of the legendary piece of ass, I think,

and a beautiful woman who I definitely, ooh.

Back in the days, we're of the generation where

we have a lot in common with those North Korean soldiers because internet wasn't that available. That's what I mean.
Those guys are literally what we were. And I jacked off to video, like MTV videos.
I remember 03 Bonnie and Clyde jacking off to that. I remember there's a video.
Yes, yes. No, my first.
My first. There's that.
It was the movie The Getaway. The Getaway.
There's that Drexel degree. Oh my god.
I did carry a 1.4 GBA. Well that's where me and Steve being horny that's where actually this side of the podcast aligns.
I think I have a little age on you because I was squiggle porn.

Squiggle porn.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

I just didn't have cable.

We didn't get cable until they got satellite TV from Greece and my dad got it.

And there was no squiggles on satellite.

So there's no way to look at like a floppy green tit or whatever through the squiggles.

You said the getaway?

Yeah, the getaway. Oh, yeah.
With Alec Baldwin. Sure.
Who's the chick? You're talking off to Alec Baldwin. Husky Gorge.
Kim Basinger. Oh, is that where they met? And there was the other girl.
Yeah, the scene that I was jerking off to is like wildly fucked up. Oh, shit.
Did you show me this? Is this where they get kidnapped? Yeah. The guy is taped to the toilet screaming while Alec Baldwin, like, fucks his girl over him.
Oh, my God. And I was just like, middle school, like, not knowing really, like, not fully grasping what the fuck was going on.
Just seeing kids. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And being like, all right, I can block this out. My mom just kept coming home and being like, just rewatching the getaway.
Now, did that fuck you up? Do you do it? Are you into any tough stuff? I don't know. It's in there somewhere.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You showed me this, dude. This fucked me up.
Yeah, yeah. It's really bad.
The guy whose girlfriend, he got kidnapped. And they both got kidnapped, I guess.

And the guy's tied to a chair and hops down the hole.

And he's like, no.

He leans in and the girl's on top.

Like riding the guy.

And he's like, no.

She's into it.

She's so wild.

It's crazy.

I mean, I guess that's better than jacking off to someone getting raped while the guy's in the chair, but still not good. It's crazy we wrote that into tires, though.
Steve actually insisted on penetration. Steve fucking my girlfriend.
And I go, Don't let him put the pillow on the floor, honey. You'll never recover.
Once the pillow's on the floor, it's over. There's like a shark with blood in the water.
Once there's a single pillow on the floor. If Gary gets a drop of vitamin B.
That scene I wrote. Just being like, no, but it works.
Trust me. Every kid in America is going to be jacking off the tires.

You got to get him young.

That's all we want.

He's doing tires for boys to jack off. Boys to beat off, dude.

There's tits in every episode.

Oh, there was a bikini episode.

I wonder if one kid in America caught a jack off.

Oh, somebody probably beat off the carrot.

True.

Yeah.

I don't know, but I had trick-or-treaters in one. I mean, he had to be like eight or nine talking to me about the show.
That came by checked off the carrot. Sounds like his dad sent him.
Was his dad standing behind him? His dad was not, but he did say that, like, my dad. Yeah.
That's nice. You're a fucking neighborhood celeb.
Yeah. All right.
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PrizePix has made daily fantasy sports accessible to all. You just pick more or less on at least two players for a shot to win up to 100 times your cash run your game all season long with prize picks uh so i would you know what i would think christopher yeah november 10th eagles cowboys i think saquon barkley is going to get way more than 85 yards rushing and good lord if that's the number it's definitely that uh jalen Moore or less than 214 yards passing.
Who the fuck's Jalen Moore? Jalen Moore or less. Oh, oh, oh.
I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck is it? When did he take over? I'd say Moore. Yeah.
The Cowboys, you got to go against the Cowboys and everything at this point. You know what? That's what scares me.
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Right? Is Dak out? Yeah. Hamstring.
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Stav, you know basketball. Sure.
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Yeah, I know. So the fucking Sixers.
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You're saying less.

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This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

It says,

take a moment to say thank you to someone

in your life. I'd like to thank my

mommy. She's so

sweet and I love her so much.

Next week, tune in. I might thank my daddy.

This

month is all about gratitude, guys. That's what I'm trying to say.
And along with the person I just shouted out, my mommy, there's another person we don't get to thank enough, ourselves. It's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything.
And in this crazy world, that isn't easy. Here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself.
That's a great thing. You should always say, thanks.
Every time I get out of bed, I go, thanks, Matt. Good job, buddy.
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A mountain where the weather is always perfect, your friends are ready to hang, and a day of epic proportion awaits. I think crack might sue Mountain Dew for stealing the benefits.
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You very well may be on a very, very, very, very shitty couch in a very dirty house. Guys, what is my favorite flavor? Oh, my God.
It's obviously Baja Blast, Code Red, Voltage, and Original. I mix them all together, and I fucking chug them all day, and I just bang shit out and get stuff done, dude.
Talk about what game-slash-activity I play with friends after drinking the blend of all the Mountain Dew flavors at once. I mean, obviously, before, we did a lot of wrestling.
Last time me and all my bros got together and just like, just chugged some Mountain Dew and just kind of like, we had one of those like dinners, you know, where a lot of people come together and just like, like-minded people talk about like-minded conversation. We had like steaks, obviously, and some fucking, we had some salad and like, you know, the rule was that like nobody could be negative.
We all just got to like share how we were feeling. We all just like lifted each other up.
We did that kind of thing. Then afterwards, we went to the basement and we practiced this like...
Again, if you would have seen it from the top of the steps, you would have thought we were making out, but we weren't. We were just affirming each other right up close to each other's faces and then tapping tongues just to seal the deal.
Guys, the mountain is calling. You should answer.
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Hey, New York City, I have an announcement for you guys. I will be at the legendary venue Town Hall for the New York Comedy Festival on November 16th, 2024.
Tickets are doing all right. I believe we're at 974 out of, I believe, like 1,400.
It's not ideal. You know, if that show, if any, it's going to be a big one.
So if you could come, that would be great. If you have other things to do, you know, I'll submit myself to my fate.
And, you know, still I can I have three quarters old theater in front of some industry

bigwigs and they'll judge me thusly. And that'll be what I get.
But thank you guys so much. Please

come. I don't know why I'm thanking you.
Just please come. I shouldn't thank you yet.
Come

to the show. All right, guys.
It's the comedy festival. I thought New York city would be so

easy to sell fucking tickets in there. I was like, there's 25 million people.
How the fuck

I'm going to sell these tickets easily. It's not the case, dude.
It's not the fucking case. So please, guys, please come.
Thank you. I heard about, uh, I got some gossip from the country club.
Oh, you did? About the woman. Oh, that's right.
The evil woman. Yeah.
There's an evil woman at the country club? Yeah, there's a woman that bullies Steve at the country club. She only once, but she bullies like everybody.
How old is she? I'd put her at like 55, 60. Okay.
The bungles are on the board, by the way. Fuck.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not going to get enthralled. I'm going to be a good podcaster.
You can fucking watch it the whole time. We got Gurbies, dude.
You're right, dude. Pull a string.
He's our Derrick Henry, dude. Just feed him the ball.
I don't know who that is. No, no, tell me.
Tell me. What I was saying is like.
Some old bitch at the fucking country club. Well, what I was saying is that, you know, doing this podcast, it's still a little surreal of like how far the reach is of it.
Because. Sure.
I think I was like one of the first guests you ever had you're up there yeah abandon us for several years and it was like at the time he had like a thousand five yes we didn't think anyone was listening oh believe me brother and now like i went to the country club and people are like that was really funny i'm like oh like, oh, wow. On the pod.
Yeah. Not even tires.
Like the literal pod. Yeah.
At the country club. Jesus Christ.
No, it's not. It's bullshit.
He goes to the poor people. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah. Okay.
And you were getting bullied. I was like, gee, Julie, the country.
He's got to go to your poor ass country club.

Did you look into it?

No, I didn't know.

I was just making fun of him.

I was like, I'm not going to go to your poor people.

I didn't know it was a poor people.

I didn't even think those exist.

Sure.

But it's not the rich one.

It's definitely not.

I mean, it's pricey, but it's not like the elite level. $49.95.

Soon you're going to be there.

Once season two comes out.

Season two comes out.

You're elite.

I think so.

Ew, Steve.

Well, because.

No, but it is true that like we were talking about. I'm going to get you a nice pillow.
We're going to get you ergonomic. I'm going to get you a MyPillow.
Okay, here's what it is. That's the other commercial you do is MyPillow.
Pussy eating pillows. Gerben Pussy Eating Edition, MyPillow.
Hi, I'm Mike Lindell and I designed the perfect pillow for Steve Gerben to eat his girlfriend's pussy. Now Steve's girlfriend Steve Gerben's girlfriend snatches fucking trees when he's ready to eat.
My man, as soon as I said it I was being disrespectful.. I know, but I didn't mean to.
Don't worry about it. Limited edition Gerb and my pillows.
That would sell, dude. That would sell.
I'm getting one. I actually might give it a shot.
I might toss a pillow on the ground and go, I'm going to go, Steve told me to do this. That's fucking awesome, dude.
I'm Mike Liddell. So tell us about this woman that bullied you man we did it last time members of the country club are DMing and reaching out we could eliminate her I do know her name now.
Yeah, I know. I'm not going to be psychotic.
Watch your back, bitch. Stop being mean to my friend Steve at the golf course.
That'd be so fun to get locked in a libel lawsuit. Some crazy lady through the podcast.
I am a bitch. They're talking about me.
Again, though, and I said last time, though, it's a country club full of attorneys. Everyone, like, what are we are we doing Yeah What's the point Of being that If you can't Make your life easier With Regards to this crazy You don't bring work Into the clubs Of course Yeah You don't You don't Razzle dazzle You don't fucking Put on a nice show At the country club No but Shane was Hilarious Bro I know how you are When I'm not around Oh yeah I yeah.
I'm nice to people. No.
No, he's like. I love to have a good time.
He likes to be like, yeah, so Netflix, I mean, they've been good to me. I know all the guys at Netflix, and they've been great.
Yeah. Never once.
We're working on season two. Do I say, do I tell people about how season two is going? Of course.
Because they want to hear it. Of course.
You know, it's a nice thing. It's like a rapport building.
In the community. You know what I mean? You're fucking putting jobs.
You're a small business owner. You're a job creator in this community, dude.
Yeah, the Westchester economy has you to thank. Boomin.
Thanks to you, truly. We moved the whole show here.
It is a nice thing, I think, to talk to people. He can't sit in.
Sure. I'm having fun.
And I'm talking to people. He's got to come in and blow it up.
Right. This episode is brought to you by Max.
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Interesting. I don't think that's true.
Well, I'm curious about since you knew you always wanted to be in entertainment. What was your first taste? Was it a school play? Was it yeah i'd love to hear just like madonna and dance in front of the whole school and he showed his dick he showed his dick i had stockings on one of the dads went ew he got self-conscious.
Not entirely accurate.

It was a kid.

It was a high school kid.

And it's a guy.

And my mom is just like.

They didn't know it first?

Yeah.

He's dirty.

Wow.

You're good, dude.

I had to hit puberty.

I was like 5'2".

Until my senior year of high school.

But it's 5'2".

It's senior year.

Whoa.

That's fucking awesome.

When did you blow up?

Oh, that's why you got a fucking 1'4".

Your body probably hurt like hell.

You grew a foot. You're going through growing pains.
Yeah. Well, in Western civilization, one oh one.
Yeah. Damn.
Then you remember the story I got picked on. Give it down syndrome.
Down syndrome. Kid got your ass.
Well, a little foreshadowing. By the way, I think of.
If you grew up. Yeah.
If you grew up... And I'm him, and I hit a growth spurt.
Your brain went from 5'2 to 6'2. The Grinch's heart hit my brain.
Oh, shit. I should have fucking hooked that kid.
Oh, that's a different one. Oh, yeah different kids with a bullying scene.
The guy helped me. That was totally different.
He had all his mental faculties? No. He did not.
We've talked about it before. I'm sorry.
It's fun to tell. Stop.
Stop. This is the type of man he is.
He's the. Yeah.
He wanted to show off for the girls. See, you always do.
You always look at the world. Okay.
Did you or did you not say, I'm going to play basketball with the special needs kid. So maybe some people will see me do it.
No. So that's trying to hit that pillow.
And then you got humped by everybody. By that kid in front of everybody.
What happened was. And you play him right in the smallest degree.
When we started playing, yes, I noticed girls looking at me, yes. This is middle school.
My cousin had started a program. And you were probably 4'11 at the time.
Yeah. You're a little guy.
He was spending his activity period. You know, playing around with the special needs kids.
So I did that in my school. I won an award.
Presidential or whatever. Fitness award? Citizenship award.
Okay. I took a picture of it.
Because I found the plaque recently. In case you don't believe me.
Anyway. I believe you.
So. Oh, no way you won the citizen award.
Steve Kerbin won the presidential citizen award. No, it wasn't president.
It was like a house of representatives. Did you get signed the lower house? The lower chamber? State congressman.
I'll look it up in a second. I do have a photograph.
That was a different scenario. I was playing basketball and there was one, you know, student who was very heavily afflicted.
The boy was touched in the brain. And yeah, he was, you know, I noticed girls watching me and then he made a basket, got excited, gave me a big hug.
And then it turned into a really, really vigorous drive. Oh, man.
Was this dick hard? The security guy had a breakup. You know.
You know who it was. That was so long ago.
You knew it. They fucked your memories.
Do you remember the aggressive back rub I got at the news? It was a different student. It was so fucking funny.
It was a different student. And this one was not mentally challenged.
This is no, this is a field trip. Yeah.
This is the third one we're on. Well, the third one comes later.
They're not attacking, but just trying to like make a connection. They're like, just you and me, brother.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. The third one comes later in high school.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Yeah. And this one, I mean, again, there's no ill intent.
The one in high school had ill intent, right? The hump. The hump? No.
No ill intent on the hump. Zero ill intent.
Okay. What happened in high school? That was shorty.
He would just call me shorty over and over again because I was short. Yeah.
And, you know. But.
Well, was he disabled? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
But. And I know your little nasty us struck back one day.
No. There's no way you let that slide.
You put a bunch of candy

under a box with a stick holding it up.

Everybody was very nice

to me in high school.

Yeah.

So they're like all the football players

in the classroom.

Wes.

He was a little jealous.

I shouldn't have said the name.

Bleep it out.

Okay.

Bleep that out.

But anyway.

Gardel.

Whatever.

Yeah. So the one in Manila's.
I just got a back rub that just got way too intense. And that had to get broken up too.
I'm sorry. Security was called to break up a back rub.
The security officer at the school was also like the guy. What were you saying during the back rub? I wasn't voting.
I was like, oh, that's really sweet. And then it just...
And this was where? Manila's Diner. Oh, at the diner.
It was like a field trip. I see.
I see. And the person was standing behind you? He got pumped.
You took a field trip to a diner? With special needs? Yeah. Were you chaperoning?

No. No, I was at his middle school.
You're part of the gang.

Yeah. No.

You know what I mean?

It's just a shot around.

Have you been in special needs this whole time?

Is that why people

love tires?

Is this all on the spectrum?

It is, bro. That's beautiful.
It is. Damn.
So the Madonna dance, was there any dramatic, though? Did you ever act in a play or anything like that? And that was, you caught the bug there? Yeah. You knew you had it.
Well, I know I enjoyed it. You enjoyed being a showman.
Yeah. You did, too.
Don't act like you don't. I never did anything like that.
If you were a showman, you're a showman. You never did any acting? It's not lame to like to act.
It is. No, it's not.
We were just having this conversation. It is a little bit.
I thought about this. We were just having this conversation.
I was driving to the show today, and I was like, we always sit around and we're like, fucking stand-up's actually fucking lame. It's so much's so much better it's much better so acting is lame no it's too much waiting around i agree both are good i like both of them i wouldn't trade it for anything but i'm saying the way comedians especially podcast comedians love to be like fucking stand up so stupid i only do it for money yeah job in the world.
It's incredible. I had a total turnaround.
Yeah, I love it. Yeah.
After acting, which is still fine. Acting's fun.
I love it. It's fun, and this show fucking rules, obviously.
We get to fuck around, and this isn't like other bullshit, because we're real lucky on that. But when I did the movie, which was fun, and I loved it, and please buy it on fucking VOD.
I really need you to, if you're listening. But it was so much harder.
Dude, stand up. We just wake up at fucking 12.
We do our act. We stay, and especially now where shit's going good.
We stay in a nice hotel. You eat like a fucking, I'll spend like $40 on breakfast.
Just like steak and eggs. Not for long now have T2 oh yeah price of groceries that's my index I mean there's no way they go up I mean there is of course there is a way we could become Argentina I guess we don't see yeah yeah it would be nice to that's my the steak and eggs metric the steak and egg matrix that's how I view I mean, that's be nice to...
That's my... The steak and eggs metric.
The steak and egg matrix. That's how I view fucking...
I mean, that's actually a pretty fair, honest metric. Yeah.
For real, that's actually... The price of eggs is actually...
The price of eggs is kind of a decent metric. It's insane, yeah.
It's gotten fucking insane. No, but I liked it.
It was fun. What? I liked it.
I liked the price of eggs going up. I liked it.
It was affecting you? I liked it. It was really hurting your wallet? Was it hurting you? Price of eggs? No, I don't notice.
No, of course not. You sound like a liberal elite.
I didn't even notice. Keep the prices high.
That's ever backfired throughout history.

Oh, fuck.

The mob's angry about the price of eggs.

Yeah.

Let them eat cake, Chris.

Let them eat cake, Chris.

Chris was throwing eggs at homeless people on the way over here.

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Get a job, you sack of shit.

Act on a fucking sitcom.

Fuck, that egg was $3. Fuck.
Get a writing job on a sitcom, you fucking idiot. Did you do any fucking dramatic work, dude? I was like you.
I did some fucking. I was in the Backstreet Boys in third grade, sang some Backstreet Boys tunes.
Nice. What do you mean? At a school talent show.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking. And then, you know, I thought I was the fucking man.
I thought I was like, dude, I'm fucking cool as shit. Were you cool in high school or were you kind of like funny? I was funny.
No, like funny. Yeah, all right.
Yeah. I was like, my school was, it was a magnet school in Baltimore.
So everybody was kind of d kind of dorks you know what i mean so it was kind of easy to be a cool yeah and i played football and i was like the fun i was maybe the funniest white kid in the school it's it was an 85 black school so it was like just being a funny white boy yeah yeah skyrockets you yeah you just have to be the funniest white person and that you know what I mean hey we're still doing that all we have to do is be the funniest white yeah black people are way funnier they are so much funnier dude they're killing us like I lost funniest person in the school to some guy that just like works at a bank now. You know what I mean? And he deserved it.
You know what I mean? It's like, that's the difference between white people and black people, funniness. But yeah.
And then I was in plays. But then in sixth grade, I was like, acting's gay.
I'm a fucking jock. And I tried to be a fucking athlete, and I played football.
I played soccer and football. And then I wrestled.
But then obviously I should have stuck. Clearly I should have stuck with fucking acting.
Yeah, you're never going to be a soccer star. It was bad as shit.
I scored a couple goals. It was one of those funny like, hey, the fat kids, I did that.
And then I just kept getting fatter. So ninth grade grade i'm like the fat kid who scored a couple goals then tenth grade they're like you're much fatter like you were barely not you were barely able to play soccer last year you know how fat you have to be as a ninth graders i was yeah yeah even as a child to be like you can't you're not going to be able to move.
Even with your child body. Your body that can spring back from anything.
The amount of McDonald's you're fucking saddling it with. But yeah, dude.
And then, so that was, and then I played football because the JV soccer coach gave a kid pornography. And they kind of ruined the season.
And they dissolved our team. And they let us play football.
Yeah. Not even in a I'm trying to fucking win.
The good news is you can matriculate onto the football team. Can you keep a secret? You get eligibility.
And you still might get a JV letter. Fellas, they got us.
You're going to have to join the black football team. I know you're trying to play the one sport they weren't playing.
Two days are in a week. It's going to blow.
Fuck, dude.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

But you were a showman.

Oh, I was definitely a showman.

Chris.

Definitely a showman. Please tell me you tried acting.

I never tried acting.

I was a stagehand in high school for a play that my girlfriend was in at church.

At church? Yeah. What was the play?

Joseph

from the... It's always that.

It's always that.

Bye Bye Birdie is one of those every time.

And yeah.

I remember I showed the first

night of the play that

it was actually showing. I was

just working

there for weeks and then I

did a ton of

mushrooms and I

showed up. Chris is another

secret dumb. Chris is

a real secret dumb guy.

I don't think it's a secret.

I'm

an idiot.

No,

Chris was,

I guess if you,

I mean,

I guess it's been a while.

Well,

I always thought you were very,

very intelligent.

And then you tell me about your life and I'm like,

holy shit.

You probably met him when you were even dumber.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You guys were young and fucking stupid.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Which makes sense.

I mean,

I think I don't, I guess I just don't make a judgment definitely smart i'm not being an asshole chris yeah well same with gerby baby but if you look at the whole picture also academia does not mean you're dumb obviously but yeah but that's awesome that you were how old were you how old were you when i did this 16 Yeah. Respect Respect.
It's also, yeah, the story of my whole athletic career is pretty similar. Coaches kept putting me in and being like, this kid's going to be amazing.
And then I'd be bad. Did you just look kind of jacked for a kid? What? Did you look? No, I just was good.
I just played bad. Interesting.
I just like, and they would like, I mean amount I drove coaches nuts. They would just be like, what is, how do I get through to this kid? What is going on? I like that problem.
It's a lifelong thing of just being like, it doesn't make any sense. Interesting.
That you're not going to get through. get through.
I remember... Don't even try.
The most I can get out of him is angry. That's all I can get.
Today, I just went up there and laid on the... He was upstairs in the office.
I just came upstairs, laid on the ground. I was like, Kamala sucks.
Got a nice 20 minute fight

I wasn't even looking at him

I was staring at the ceiling

I was like you think Ukraine is going to be like Afghanistan

I don't think

I think the withdrawal from Afghanistan

was a disaster

yeah

guys were hanging off the plane

that was nuts

how did they

you got to get a fence up

Thank you. Yeah.
Fucking guys were hanging off the plane. Fucking that was nuts.
How did they? You got to get a fence up, dude. Don't let bros hang on the plane on the way out.
I'm not familiar with the footage. I just remember Vietnam hanging off the plane.
Well, that was people on the helicopter grabbing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but Afghanistan took off with hundreds of people underneath a giant jumping onto the fucking landing gear oh fuck dude yeah that sucks that is a tough moment to be like i hope this works i don't know how landing goal the gear falls in but i hope i'm in the right spot well this i have better odds of doing this than sticking around. I've seen a lot of these planes, never on the ground.
They got to get up there somehow. That's another guy that thinks he's Tom Cruise, dude.
That's Tom Cruise doing his own stunts. He was mentioned impossible.
Yeah. Would you do a fucking big-ass stunt, dude? Yes.
Well, for enough money? Yeah, sure. I want Tom Cruise to make a very small indie movie at some point and get off the action.
I think he will. I think he will.
Hold on. I'd love to hear this.
I want to be, I want to roll where I'm like Tom Arnold in True Lies. An action movie, but I'm the guy in the van.
Absolutely. I think you will get that.
You'll crush that. I don't think I've ever seen that movie.
Have you seen True Lies? Yeah. It's fucking good.
It's so good. Yeah.
I've watched parts of it on like TBS, but I've never gotten through the whole thing. It's a banger.
James Cameron, Arnold. It's kind of Arnold's last undisputed kind of title run.
You know, like defensive as action hero title. And then it becomes all this so so stuff but that one is like it's good it's good it's crazy it's got like crazy set tia carrera tia carrera what you want to talk about pieces of ass yeah she had a upn show that i jacked off back to the jacked off to nice kids but is that the lady from uh wayne's world yes okay oh yeah brother what's her name tia carrera she was a real flash and then she had a porn star you know asia carrera knock off obviously yeah yeah i miss that era it was great but asia carrera is also incredibly beautiful yes she was incredibly beautiful yeah a lot of them are that was one of those early you sound like a pervert knowing her name and describing it as incredibly beautiful.
A lot of them are. A lot of them are.
That was one of those early... You sound like a pervert knowing their name and describing them as incredibly beautiful.
That was one of the early days. Obviously, the whole point is they're beautiful.
That's a man that eats and dips, brother. A man that eats and dips calls porn stars incredibly beautiful.
What does that mean? You know what I mean. Sure, I guess I do.
Nothing wrong with a little double dip, bro. Sure.
I think about double dip. What is that? One day you'll get there, Shane.
Trust yourself enough to double dip. Nah, nah, nah.
Bop, bop, bop. Yeah, double dip.
You gotta spit on it. I don't know.
If I ever had a plan, that would fuck my head my head up so bad you wouldn't need a plan it would just feel right in the moment right and you also and you're playing to her rhythm absolutely her rhythm yes you know what I mean yeah it's not you don't need to play it she's gonna give you I saw that hit you Shane I saw that phrase just fucking wallop you in the face. Gerben talking about being in tune with a woman's orgasmic rhythm.
Destroyed you, dude. I'm not saying I'm a maestro.
You are the maestro. Oh, my God.
The pussy maestro. You are the pussy maestro.
The pussy maestro. Da-da-da-da.
And now I'm going to stick it back in. And she enjoyed that.
She gyrated. I'm going to get back down and taste her.
I'm going to pop back up. She loves it.
The pussy maestro, dude. That's awesome.
Fuck what we were just talking about. There you go.
I just had a good day at the Lynx. No.
Hey, honey, I hit an 83. Break out the pillow! Break out the 18-day pillow.
My mood is not depending on the score, but do you have a good one? Like a special pillow? No. No.
Oh, a wedge? Yes. Oh, wait, you bought a...
Ew, dude, you're a fucking sex pillow. He's got a specific quesiting pillow.
Yes. No.
Oh, the sex pillow to lay on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that one. Respect.
I mean, obviously respect. Obviously, this is all respect, but it's so fucking weird that you're fucking...
Gotta get the right angles. Absolutely.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I think you probably got a nice piece on you but with a little ass dick you got to know your angles.
I don't have a big penis at all. And yeah.
Yeah. Yeah dude.
It's not good. It's a reasonable penis.
No you're saying it's bad. I don't think it's...
I would imagine you've got a reasonable... You've got a reasonable...

Should I just give you sizes or some inches?

Well, the length, I think, is fine.

It's like five and a half.

It's great.

And then...

But the girth could use...

Oh, you've got a skinny boy.

Yeah.

Oh, interesting.

Like a bulbous head.

Man, it's not even that bulbous.

Sure.

Well, should I not be saying that?

I would never, ever.

Oh, okay.

Delete it, then. Don't delete it.
Keep it in there. No, that's right.
Sure. Well, shut up.
You're saying that? I would never ever. Oh, okay.
Delete it then.

Don't delete it.

Keep it in there.

I have a very similar penis.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say it's long.

Well, you guys just have a skinny, short, skinny penis.

You have a small penis.

You have a little elastic.

You guys are describing small penis.

You know what I'm saying?

A little blow. I'm just a girl.
Terrible girl. I'm saying? A little below abyss, girth.
Terrible girth. Man, I wish you had abs on the way in.
The abs on the way in are unbelievable. I'm just mad at you on the way in.
Something so unsettling about hearing that you think that you have a similar penis to mine because now I'm interested to know what your penis looks like. It's what you kind of described, bro.
Yeah, I don't have a bulbous head. You got me on the head.
You got me on the head, though. Don't take that too literal.
It's that deformed bulbous. Yeah, but it's just...
You got a big fat head and a stem. I always got a lollipop.
How many licks, brother? One, two, three. Damn.
So you have a bulbous head and you're lacking in growth. And you're not afraid to break out the wedge.
Well, that's how you hit the deep inside of pussy, dude. With a little ass dick, you need the wedge.
Dude, I had a tough situation happen where I'm used to not being able to hit it hit the back of the pussy with my dick but i was fingering she said deeper and i was just literally yes and it's like what do you want me to do it's all the time yeah i usually get that like asking for two fingers i physically can't yeah You just got to go one. I can't.
What if we got you a splint? What if we got you a pussy finger splint? Oh, that's where you break out the toys. Yeah.
Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.
That's fucking crazy. Inspector Gadget.
You know. The pussy maestro.
Yeah. He brings out the lectern, the thing they used to fucking

So you have a wedge

and an array of toys.

Yeah, and I wear a belt and I keep the toys on.

No.

I was about to believe it.

And that was going to make me so happy.

Yeah. If you get a belt that was both

like kept your form right.

Carpenter with a pencil in the air.

It folds out.

You truly are the maestro.

Not the maestro.

I'm not saying. I'm sorry to do this to you.
How many toys are we talking here? I just had to take a second to take inventory. Let's do that.
No, let's not because we're at time. But I also just want to say for the record, I'm not to be like you know sexual dynamo of course you're not yeah but you're doing everything you're a humble guy right we your friends are reading we're taking what you what you're saying and you know we get paid to analyze things for a living yeah i'm right you know this wedge talks got me you're the pussy maestro it's exciting to be your friend yeah absolutely and you're the pussy maestro i think we're to be your friend.
Yeah, absolutely. And you're the pussy maestro.
I think we're all in agreement, right, boys? Three for three. I have nothing that's important.
Steve is the pussy maestro. If I actually thought it was bad, I wouldn't fucking film it.
It's awesome. It's great that you do this.
But could you answer the question of how many toys? Toys? I think, well, if we're talking, is the pillow count as one? No. Oh, they're probably three.
Oh, that's not good. What do we got? Vibe? Yeah.
You got to get a vibe in the mix. Obviously, vibes.
Yeah. If you got a girlfriend, it's weird to be a single guy and have toys.
Like, I can't just fucking bust out toys and be like, yeah. No, that's just some other bitch's pussy was that's just me.
You put them in the dishwasher. No, you have to buy new ones.
You put them in Barbasol. That's got to be sad, though.
Throwing them out. Throwing them out.
Say goodbye. Say goodbye to the pussy pie.
It's like a real totem of the relationship. You toss the fucking vibe.
You get rid of them.

And you go purchase new ones

on the internet.

I've never used one.

Never? Really?

It's not bad. It's pretty awesome.

It's like a Gundam suit.

I just can't.

It's like a Gundam suit.

What's that?

It's like when you fucking... You know what I mean?

Like a blaster on your arm.

You're like...

Yeah.

And there you go.

And you just blast the pussy.

I did that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're lucky I gave you that orgasm.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, it's entirely that.

Yeah.

That's what bothers me about it.

I'm just like, what is...

Nah, nah. You can't look at his competition.
No. You can't look at his competition.
It's an enhancement. Yeah.
You can't hold it. It's like putting a sight on a sniper rifle, dude.
You know what I mean? It helps you. Talk to her? Feel her rhythms.
Feel her rhythms. I know.
It is fucking gross. I'm sorry, man.
Yeah, because in that moment, how do you not go, I should be doing anything else. I should be like learning to play guitar.
Because your biggest heart rate is nuts. What are you talking about? Once you bring tools in, it's like while I'm playing guitar, I would go, I should be fucking getting pussy.
That's why people are playing guitar. Yeah, absolutely.
Now you want to let you enjoy the... Everything you do is for pussy.
No. That's the whole of mankind.
No. Boiled down, it pretty much is.
Well, I mean... How do you...
You're not wrong. Explain asexuals.
Oh, fuck. You got me there.
I thought Mr. fucking...
Open. You got me there.
Mr. Liberal Open, man.
No, really. How do you explain the non-binary, no-sex people? I guess they don't really accomplish that much.
Is that what you're saying? I think they're just probably watching anime. They don't accomplish too much.
Yeah, I just think they don't. That's fair, honestly.
I didn't think you were going to give a real response. A totally correct answer.
I think they're not doing shit. They're just hanging out in their bedroom playing fucking Stardew Valley.
You know what I mean? Yeah, a lot of it has to be like not. I think I might be ace-sexual.
It sounds like my day. Yeah, you're like, you're ace-curious, dude.
I've seen some of your gaming sessions. Yeah, it's close.
It's close to shutting out the world. Yeah.
Girlfriend there just kind of hanging around.

Girlfriend needs to watch Manchester United rebuild.

And I go, hey, this is the group stage of Champions League.

There's no time for us to talk.

I did already secure the group.

I'm trying to get young guys some playing time here.

That I do love.

That's my favorite thing in the world.

Yeah, it's exciting stuff.

What, making your girlfriend watch video games?

No, just I do love the, like, building a team. Oh, yeah.
Franchise mode is so good. It is.
And it's scouting and getting the young guys up for whatever reason. It's really enjoyable.
It feels great. Yeah.
It's because it's like we get to relive, like, how good potential feels. Yeah.
It feels so much better. You get to be a kid again.
It feels so much better. Potential.
Potential's so much better than doing shit. We're doing shit now, and it's cool, but it's not as cool as being 20 and being like, someday I'm going to do shit.
Yeah. That was awesome.
I don't know. The open mic days where you're drunk as fuck and just like, you know what I mean? Like hanging out.
Yeah, those were. And even through that video game, you get the feeling of like, you just listen to me, dude.
You're going to be great. Yeah, right, right, right, right.
You're really talking to yourself in middle school, but you get a bunch, you get eight avatars of who you could have been. And you're like, if I get these guys, then maybe I would, maybe I did get pussy.
I'm going to put you in the right situation. You're not a quarterback.
Moving you to wide out this season. Stick with the program.
Those who stay will be champions. Trust me.
What your brain fills in, you're just pressing two buttons, in your head, you're calling over youth to sit at your desk and have this conversation. You're going through the conversation.
If those games added a practice mode, that's all I would do. As a coach, hold the end line because it's real guys.
We literally just need to have have families we just need to have children yeah of course the key very hit me with that one I was in Austin and I was like I'm drinking he's like bro I don't mean this you just gotta have a family dude and I was I was like, yeah. You're such a good dad.
Thanks, man. Unless he looks like you.
Fuck, dude. You're like, where'd that wedge come from, honey? My son might be a Gerby.
Nothing wrong with that. Straight Gerby baby breaking out the wedge.
You'd be lucky to have a Gerby. I've loved that as sweet Gerby in my life.
Just keep taking wedge blocks and putting dolls over you know i love you yeah i love you too what are you talking about you said earlier today you said i didn't like you well first of all you're like oh you know my friend it's like i love you so much you i mean i actually said you're not my friend yeah and then he was like yeah i'm your friend i was like you want to watch there's a night football and he's like i'm busy no it's not This is a part. Here then he was like, yeah, I'm your friend.
I was like, you want to watch Thursday Night Football? And then he was like, I'm busy.

No, I didn't say I'm busy.

I was like, here we are.

Here we are.

We did figure out a good way to get him over here.

And I'm pumped to be hanging out with the boys tonight.

Did you?

I feel like very like, I know like it's in the show, but you feel like family.

But I think it's also for like everything you've done for me.

Yeah, you are my family, bro.

Yeah.

That's fucking beautiful, man.

I still don't want to go to a bar tonight.

We're definitely not going to a bar.

No one's going to a bar.

We're not going to a bar.

I'm going to go home and make chicken.

Let me say that again.

We could order some pizzas.

There you go.

You can make chicken.

That's good.

And then, I think all this talk about pillows and wedges. Uh-oh.
No, no, no. That's a matter of time.
How long does it take to make the chicken? Put it in the oven and you go, 20 minutes. We've got 20 minutes.
Uh-oh. I look at my watch.
What do you mean, no sex tonight? Wedge o'clock. Why not? I'm exhausted.
Really? Yeah. You need to be prompt.
Exactly. A real pussy fiend.
That. This man can't do it halfway.
He can't do it halfway. I'll fucking get a fucking sideways leg.
We're going to just lay still and then I go let's just stay still for a second. Yeah.
Actually I'm not going to come. Why don't I just beat off while I feel your tits? This man's never done that.
I've done that. I actually have done that.
I've done that hundreds of times. No, I can't do that.
Getting hit with a no on that, though. That's really tough.
You guys all died. I've never done that once.
Yeah. Oh, that's great stuff.
I mean, I'm fat as shit, obviously. I'm so fat that you could even say you're not fat around me, Shane, and it wouldn't be that you know what i mean so i have and this is i'm actually not as fat as i've been which is crazy like there was a year in my life where i was so fat and unhealthy and i fucked a lot because it was like you know pathological there was a lot of jacking off your fucking half limp dick in those.
But, you know, I'm in there.

I'm eating the pussy.

You know what I mean?

I'm going Gerby's on the pussy.

I'm eating it like, you know, like it's Froot Loops.

And so they'll reward me with a jack off while I suck on a titty.

I am excited for you that you enjoy pleasuring.

Yeah.

You love giving pleasure.

Yeah.

Is there, how often does the woman not orgasm when you're down

there or working with your tools or using

like it really

depends on the woman

yeah

of course it depends on the woman

what's your batting at it

it also it's like cycle

dependent

oh no you know the

menstrual cycle

that's awesome. Hey, I'm talking to Matt right now.
Matt knows. You just honestly pushed past me, dude.
We were neck and neck this whole time in terms of freak. The Warriors guy freaking.
That's awesome, dude. You've never heard anything like it.
Your cycle. I have to go.
Hold on. Explain to me when in the cycle.
No, I want to learn because I don't know this at all. I haven't even considered this.
Every woman is different, but I think I heard McCusker talking about it. I have a similar experience.
Matt's the man. A couple days after the period.
Again, this is like... Peak ovulation.
No, no. Peak ovulation is like halfway through the cycle.
Oh, fuck. I would assume they're the horniest when they're ovulating.
Assuming non-birth control. That was like his point.
It depends on when in the cycle. Again, though, back to what's your batting average on the lady coming? Probably 80%.
Beautiful numbers, man. Insane numbers.
I don't think so. But it's also the partner.
147. Mendoza's playing single A.
He better be good at fielding. That's all I'm saying.
I'm way below the Mendoza. That's crazy.
80% come. But it's not.
But he's also fucked that many women. They've been partners, is what he's saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfectly said.
Yeah, but even a partnership, we're starting to get down. The batting average, it's pretty good at first.
Oh, wow. Interesting, interesting.
A little slump going. Yeah.
We'll get out. We'll hit our way out of this.
Just taking swing keep swinging brother yeah I'm a playoff Aaron Judge I'm fucking crazy more of a glue guy yeah I'm a locker room guy I'm fucking yeah yeah respect what do you think stop what do you think I mean these numbers mean, these numbers are crazy. Incredible numbers.
No, 50-50, I'd be happy. Again, not with a ton of women in my life.
Yeah. Yeah.
In my experience, if you get the awesomest thing is when a woman just busts easy, and you can tell yourself, like, I did that. And then you fuck somebody who's like, I don't know, man.

It takes a while to get in there.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

These numbers are truly, you're a fucking savant.

The Pussy Maestro.

But he is a maestro.

He's scientific about it.

Yeah.

The moniker is earned tenfold throughout this conversation.

For five different reasons.

I want merch, dude.

I want Pussy Maestro merch. I just don't want this to come off like I'm a blowhard.
The Gruul King. Do you know that that was the first name he gave me? The Gruul King? No, I didn't know that.
Do you know what Gruul is? No one knows what Gruul is. It's disgusting.
It was a fetish I had for a little bit. No, I'm leaving on this.
It's a fetish that every dude on earth has. is no one of the cruel? A wet pussy? Wait a second! You said that's a fetish you have? It's a wet pussy? He was searching the wet pussy You are like medical emergency There's a viscosity Yeah, of course.
It's a wet pussy. Nickelodeon Gak.
Yeah. He needs to slime pussy.
He needs slimer coming out of that pussy. He's on the fucking pillow.
Chris said it very funny because then I restart. And that is typically indicative of ovulation.
So it's less what I thought it was, which is being extremely turn off. But there's a subreddit, Rgruel.
Rgruel. So he started calling me the gruel king.
And then he was like, gruel king. People have drawn paintings.
Yeah. What's his name? We should give a shout out.
He's so good. Oh man, I'm so sorry to the guy who's listening to this who really deserves a shout out.
Please stop listening. It's also so funny to be talking about his artwork like that.
Just being like, no, it's beautiful. What does he draw? Wet Pussy? No, no, no.
It was kind of like a Hunter S. Thompson artwork style.
And your mouth is glistening? No, no, no. He's got class.
He just put a crown. He's just caught in a web of gruel.
Anyway. The little gruel fly about to die.
Shane isn't anybody ever is. You are a gruel fly, dude.
I mean this with all due respect. Your spirit animal would definitely be a fly.
Shane was saying, like, when Netflix, you know, they would start to see comments. It was like, Gruul King, Gruul King.
And he's like, executives, everybody worked that out. He's like, what is this? They like him.
What do we do? Yes, it's an acronym. The Pussy Maestro Gruul King.

Pussy Maestro Gruul King.

I'll be breaking out his tools.

The woman must know she's in for a treat.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

The toys in the ass have enough.

Like a first-rate thing.

Got a nozzle back there.

She's just batteries charging when she walks in.

The room's lit up.

Charging devices. Hold on.
He's about to tell us. No, we're not going to go.
All right. Relax.
Red lights. We're having a good time.
I love red lights. Interesting.
In the house, like the light bulb or during sex? During sex. Oh, classic.
You get Phillips Hue and you make them red and it's just. You really are a freak, dude.
Have you done it? I've definitely fucked under some red light conditions. That the girl had at her fucking...
I have a Philips Hue as well, actually. Oh, really? I do have the lights that turn colors.
You can make them whatever color you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just adding so much pressure. That's just like...
And that's not... It's just what it's called on the app.
Just fucking... Just walking out.
Losing a boner in red light. Well, that's whorehouse coded, though.
That's like what... At a bordello, they would have red lights.
That was a classic. That's how you knew it was a whorehouse back in the day.
You may be Nosferatu. That is very vampiric of you.
Dude, I did. The red lights in there.
And you know what? I had a hunch you were a fucking pussy fiend, but I didn't know. I'm not a fiend.
You are. You are, dude.
It's awesome. That's a positive.
It a positive it is good yeah this is some intense

stuff red lights toys a fucking wedge the muff gremlin you are the muff gremlin

this is when exactly how i knew this was gonna go this is perfect and this is the post election recap.

The post selection recap.

Check out Let's Start a Cult

on VOD

November 12th.

Please rent. The post-election recap.
Check out Let's Start a Cult on VOD November 12th.

Please rent it.

We could really use it.

And check out Kyle Hamilton at safety.

Yeah, that's where we align.

Notre Dame and Ravens.

Let's go.

He is the man.

Van Noy came and did a spot at my show in Baltimore.

That's awesome.

Ziby Kowski was on the Ravens.

Ziby was on the Ravens.

He was.

They always get Notre Dame boys. Ryan Stanley at tackle.
Yeah, although, you know, he's been better recently. Shout out to Ronnie.
My boy can't show up for a minute. But yeah, and you can catch Steve on his knees on a pillow.
Yes, sir. Worshiping.
Take me to church. I worship.
You love it. That's the song.
That you have sex to? No. That story from last year.
What? I don't want to say it. Wait, tell me.
No, because it's you. We might be able to delete this.
Oh, remember the experience that you had with the lady? Yes. That was the song that you were singing

when you were like... That's hilarious.

Remember I told you

that? I can't remember what song you were singing.

That's really, really funny.

Fill me in after post-recording. Yeah, for sure.

That's awesome.

That's awesome. Alright, well...

Thank you. See ya.