Ep 522 - Rock N' Roll Synagogue (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)

The Wild Wild West.

The sunroom, it's beautiful here, but I don't want to, we'd have to bring a couch in. I'm not going to sit like this for eight hours of college football.
This chair, put some bar stools in. Irish.
This chair is phenomenal. It's game day, Steve.
It's a comfy chair. Yeah.
It really is great. But even in that chair, you can only get maybe four hours of college football done.
That's a lot. And then you've got to lay down.
That's why, yeah. You need to elevate the legs.
You've got to lay down for the 8 o'clock games. Okay.
Especially Notre Dame-Sanford's going to be a nice, boring one. My new friend is watching the games today.
Your new friend is watching football today? I'm making all sorts of friends at this country club. You're making friends at the country club.
They're just like very... So you made a friend at the country club today, and they told you they were going to watch college football later? Today was the first time...
Are we? Yeah, we're recording. We are recording.
Yes. Hopefully.
We weren't. This is not the first time that we've played.
This was the first time we scheduled to play together. And you guys set that up.
You said, hey, do you want to play together? Yes. Yeah, because it is actually.
If you're playing with people that aren't, you know, like man children or stuff like that, you could could play with like real bummer of people. What do you mean by a man child? Like grown men that get like really upset when they start playing poorly.
Oh, God. That'd be really fucking uncomfortable.
I thought you meant dudes that were out there having fun. No, no.
Drinking a little. No.
Do they forbid that at your country club? No, no, no. Some guys very much do that.
Get fucking hammered? Of course, that that's not me i i love it you'd have such a golf's fun when you're drunk no no no it is for a little bit and then your game falls apart yeah didn't you i feel like one of my favorite stories of all time was you not playing and getting drunk with your. My friends had a very serious golf competition.
They split into two teams, and then me and my one friend, O'Leary, who wasn't playing, just drove a golf cart back and forth watching them. Just getting hammered, just screaming at them while they were playing.
They became man children. Fuck my fucking back sleep, dude.
Shut the fuck up. You hit like a 120.
They for real shot like 120s and i was like you can't be upset yeah yeah that's it yeah like you just put the cart in reverse during the backswing it's so good that is the most the backswing thing drives me crazy especially when i like i've never played with anyone who's nearly good enough to be upset to fight yeah yeah Yeah. It's like you're not that focused.
And you're not that good. Yeah.

But... I've never played with anyone who's nearly good enough to justify it.
It's like you're not that focused. And you're not that good.
But for that noise you would have, no. So anyway.
But you made a friend. I did.
And he's cool. Yeah, he's just like cool.
I have like one other friend that I made there. You have more friends.
So tomorrow I'm going to. Country Club's like a dog park.
Fucking weirdos. You're meeting friends.
No, no, no, no. I was like normal.
You know? Yeah. Hold on.
What were you saying before we got started about. You said something about sex? Oh, well, because you were talking about Tim Waltz.
Oh, Tim Waltz being called a pedophile on the internet today.

So what is that story?

I don't know.

I don't think it's, you know, it sounds like it's just a tweet, so you never know.

I would say it's definitely not true, but.

Who knows?

Those guys seemed fucking serious.

He's got a little bit of that face going on.

That's a tough one.

No, no.

I don't subscribe to that at all because I think I have that face going on. No if you were chubby yeah no if you were chubby you'd look fucked up yeah you got like dark eyelashes yeah it looks like you're wearing eyeliner i know fucking insane i i know people like occasionally i get accused of that very seriously what wearing eyeliner oh no and there's no talking somebody out of that yeah yeah this guy here here's the source you pour water on it what do you do you can't you just go like dude i'm not but then you also don't want to justify you know right right feed feed into it this guy said okay tim i guess now would be a good time to drop my october surprise you remember him right the? The real reason you walked away from teaching.
The kid who spent the night at your home. The one you went to the gay bar with.
The reason the school board had a meeting about you. What do you think, Tim? Should I drop that now or should I wait another week or so? You know the student you were having sex with? The male student you were having sex with? They don't call you Touchdown Timmy because you were the football coach.
Oh, wait, you lied about that also. coach what do you think tim you remember the indigo girls concert right the gay bar spending the night and of course the school board meeting i think it's time tim touchdown timmy you were touchy all right did i write this this is really good who was that like a school guy just rewinding your special and figured out how to write it.
That was from the very reliable black insurrectionist I follow back Patriots. That's a reliable source.
Does he follow you? No, I didn't check. I didn't check.
Although he might have got a follow from me after this. That's fucking quality work.
Touchdown, Timmy. But he's right.
That is the one thing that bothered me. Stealing head coach valor is crazy.
He said he was a head coach and he was assistant? Yeah, he was assistant. He was a high school assistant football coach.
Maybe. You want to put one of those guys at the White House? Those are literally the biggest retards.
Tim Waltz? Yeah, Tim Waltz. Oh, the vice president.
Yes. Not yet, liberal.
He seemed to be vice president. Oh, yeah.
I forgot your red pill. He carries his base.
I thought you guys were talking about a coach for a football team. No, no, no.
No, no. We're talking about touchdown Timmy Waltz.
Gotcha. He was a coach for a football team, and he looked into the state championship.
It was an offensive-driven – he was an offensive coordinator? They made this video where it looks like he was the coach. Oh, no.
Cut. Oh, sorry.
This is not good for podcasting, but watch. Oh, look at that ball.
They found the one clip of him.

Touching kids.

Like he won.

Like he was the coach.

He did.

Maybe the head coach was just kind of a figurehead.

He was like late days paterno. I guess it might have been exactly.

Walked right into that one.

You think a gay pedophile could have been the defensive coordinator

touching on Timmy Walls? That's a tough allegation could have been the defensive coordinator touching on Timmy Walls?

That's a tough allegation.

Was he the D coordinator?

I don't know.

I hope not for his sake.

A little Sandusky action for you.

What does a head coach do of a football team?

It depends on what they – it varies.

Okay.

Sometimes they're the play callers.

Sometimes they call the defense. Sometimes they don't do either.
And they just kind of make the final call on things. Interesting.
Yeah. Like, I don't know if Marcus Freeman for Notre Dame calls plays at all.
I think... He was Denbrock on offense and Golden.
Right. He probably helps with the defense.
Anyway. I thought he did for i thought he like took over last year or something calling defensive plays or something i don't think alcohol was pretty good yeah yeah now what was the sexual thing steven because we were talking about timmy walls being possibly a gay pedophile right uh what i was saying because you you had mentioned that there was some i think he was taking was taking an LGBT club from his high school to China with him on some trips, allegedly.

These are all crazy allegations. He's going to Thailand.
These are all from... He's all from...
What was it? Black Patriot? Black insurrectionist. Sick name.
I was just saying that it's very hard to not fool yourself into what you're doing to have sex with people. That didn't come out right.
Yeah, yeah. Not trick yourself.
Yeah, to not lie to yourself about what your actual motives are to really, it's like, I'm trying to have sex with somebody. Yeah.
And then you've got all this other stuff. And the only thing I can do is put together an LGBT.
I'm taking the fucking China. Yeah, I hear you.
You're like, I'm doing this. This is a good thing.
Yeah, yeah. Just in the back of your head.
I'm going to a women's march. And then you get.
And you hear that in the back of your head. And you go, no.
Yeah. That's not me.
Oh, that face. So I don't know.
Like, I was going know gonna have uh sex or what he gave me the his girlfriend was coming coming to visit yeah so i was a little conjugal and then uh he just kept making that face it to me you see that trying to burn in between takes. I was like, when you're performing oral sex.

I said, Stephen, are you going to perform oral sex?

I think you were getting makeup put on you, too.

I go, Stephen, are you going to perform oral sex tonight?

And he was like, yes.

I was like, ew, Stephen.

But I was like, when you're doing it, I want you to see this face.

But you powered through.

And no, I didn't even power through.

I totally forgot about it.

And then after I was coming out of the bathroom, I was like, yes. Because then I thought about it.
And the woman heard. Yeah.
When you were cleaning up. She said, why did you just say yes? I explained it.
Ew, you were cleaning up the mess. Ew.
Yeah. Do you remember the story about Matt? Like how you found out that he got a flashlight, which was like, you guys were sitting and then UPS showed up and he was like, yes.
I go, what's that? Nothing. They ran to the door and goes, I got a flashlight.
I got two of them. Do you want one? I was like, yeah.
That's great. Just buy one, get one free.
And then we both went to our chambers and when we emerged we both kind of quietly were like this is too powerful you gotta get rid of these things i've never actually used one you would go nuts holy can you imagine what he would do yeah he loves devices do you the way he puts like his phone on like a crane

you'd have that thing. That's true.
You'd have that thing attached to something. What this would be.
Get rid of that mic and put a light on it. I don't mind bringing in things.
Yeah. I don't mind.
But that's. I wonder if you could attach a fleshlight to the boom arm.
I'm sure you could. Now we're talking.
Just fuck it. You should ask Touchdown Timmy Walls.
That might be one he could answer. Go to a town hall and be like, could you attach a flashlight to a boom mic? There was a...
Yeah. I don't know.
I'm going to knock a lid. He does get crazy.
Who's going to win? Who's going to win? It's a coin flip. It's a coin flip.
Come on, bro. If it's a coin flip, you know they're stealing it.
We're going to be shooting it. It's close.
We're going to get the old 2 a.m. Oh, we found 900,000 votes.
If you challenge the election, you're a piece of shit. Dude, the after the election i feel i hope it's just all b-roll just you by yourself on set oh man i don't want to i don't want to reap the whirlwind yeah true oh yeah we're gonna be on set election day that's gonna be that's gonna be so fun.
Yeah. Either way, that's going to be so fun.
If Trump loses, I'll get to make fun of you. I'll be like, nice going, dude.
You ruined the country. Right.
You got fuzzy on your cheek. Ooh, this one.
Yeah. No, it's been good.
Tires has been great. Tires has been great.
You've been incredible. You've been incredible.
Yeah. But it's, good tires have been great you've been incredible you've been incredible it's a week it's been a fun week god damn you forget how hard actually working is I feel like the biggest pussy of all time I can't believe you're actually doing it if I was at your level I to be honest.
I'm starting to be like, I'm not coming in. I'm yelling at these poor people that are working there.
I'm like, dude, why would I get here at 530 in the morning? Yeah. Those long days, I have that in the back of my head where I'm like, he doesn't need to be doing this.
No, I do. You're asking somebody to to stay to party too long? You're like 12 hours.
I definitely need to do it. It's the best.
But the – That first day, 5.30, wake up. Stop.
It was great. I was like – The first day, yeah, I was like, this is going to be for four fucking months.
I'm going to kill myself. Stop.
Stop has been so good. Yeah.
Schultz and Tommy were great. Everything's good.
So Kyla's been fucking killing. Oh, my God.
If she wasn't asleep, she'd be on the pod. We might be able to do this.
I'm just saying you too. Yeah.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, true.
Didn't say Chris. Didn't we do that at the premiere? Yeah, yeah.
Just literally, we're just up there. He was dying.
He was dying. He ruined it.
It was full panic mode. But also no one was like, oh, yeah.
Just literally, we're just up there. He was dying.

He was dying. He ruined it.

It was full panic mode, but also no one was like, oh, yeah, O'Connor.

Yeah.

Chris was just sitting there.

At the end, they just brought up like a little stool for me to sit on.

That was, yeah, that was a surreal experience, though.

I also like it when we got up on stage.

I was like, what do we? We didn't have anything. What did you say? That was one of the, though.
I also like it when we got up on stage. I was like, what are we?

We didn't have anything.

What did you say?

That was one of the worst pieces of shit.

Poor Brandon from Rough House just up there.

So, yeah.

You guys, how do you get into character?

None of us do.

These are all us.

I'm just giving them one word answers. the instinct is like turn it into a podcast

we're just talking about jerking off and like

fingering pussies

Steve's sexual proclivities

that's all I got but yeah

waking up early and then

driving home tired

being like how the fuck

I forgot how big of a pussy I was

people actually also we're not even

working right we're just there

literally laying on a recliner until it's time

to do three minutes of work

I don't know. out how big of a pussy I was.
People actually also were not even working. Right.
We're just there literally laying on a recliner until it's time

to do three minutes of work.

Then you sit back on a recliner and go,

what the fuck are you doing, Steve?

Fuck you, O'Connor, bitch.

It's also not even a situation where there's no

end in sight. You know what I mean? When you're working

a day job and you're like, oh, this is my life.

This is forever until

this you know will be over in December. I got that in the back of my head the whole time i'm like i don't want to do any more acting this sucks stand up so good stand up one hour and you go home yeah this episode is brought to you by call of duty calling all call of duty fans verdansk is back in call of duty warzone.
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Rated M for Mature. But the staff, too.
They're showing up like an hour before we even get there and then an hour after. Dude, the fucking sound guys.
That yeah oh just holding a fucking thing all day yeah christian i'd be cranky if i were them

reminds me of the temple owl guy who does this the whole day no st joe's hall yeah yeah

it just the whole game just has to flap his wings the entire game

just three hours is it yeah damn and there's no point there's no reason for him to do that? No. He stands there the whole time and goes.
Just three hours. Is it? Yeah.
Damn. And there's no point.
There's no reason for him to do that anymore. Other than everyone goes, he's still doing it.
That's the whole point. If someone goes, you know he flaps his wings all game.
Yeah. I love the tradition of college basketball.
We got it. There's a guy in the worst Hawk costume.
It The hawk costume is 60 years old. It's just a couple feathers coming off his arm.
It's nice. It's not like a fun, big, gritty or fanatic.
It's almost skin tight. It's like a kid's Halloween costume that the parents made.
It's dog shit.

That'll actually be fun.

I want to go to some of those games.

It's actually a sick fucking outfit.

I take it back.

Look at that thing.

He's running around.

I was wrong.

They must have got to upgrade. He's running around.

They must have got to upgrade.

Yeah.

I mean, it is shitty.

Look at that.

Especially when he's just standing there by himself in the corner. Yeah, it looks like a big rug.
Yeah, that's good stuff. What else is going on? I had a shitty morning.
Yeah, I woke up. I was trying to get a cabinet that a TV can rise out of.
Oh, really? Yeah. Why'd you do that for in here? But I w I was looking online.
I thought they would be like, I thought they'd be like 500 bucks. They're $3,000.
Jeez. Yeah.
Remote control thing. Yeah.
The fuck are you getting that? Cause I thought it'd be nice in the room. It wouldn't block the windows and you could have a a TV in here to watch some college football.
Right now, we just have it sitting on the table. It's an eyesore.
Yeah, we're definitely not watching football here. Oh, fuck.
He wants to put that on a glass table and have us sit in these chairs and watch it like a fucking board meeting. Because Zoom calls.
That's crazy. It'll be nice.
Steve's going to the bar with us we have a couple no no steve's not because steve's got a uh all the more reason to get a little buzz i haven't had a drink in uh filming's also ruined drinking you can't drink dude i'm not drinking sucks. Yeah, because I wasn't like the writer's room even just trying to come up with ideas.
It was... I had such like brain fog.
So same thing. Fucking bullshit, dude.
Yeah, I can't drink the night before I do anything. Drink twice in two weeks.
Yeah. That's crazy.
No, it blows. And I'm not going to get any days off the rest, I don't think think there's a lot of days where i'm not all like a lot of weeks yeah i think but do you feel good yeah you feel good yeah it's not worth it dude i don't know what the fuck all these people are talking about it blows oh god yeah you get a clear head it's nice it's nice when you wake up yeah it's amazing going to sleep sucks it Not like because it's hard to sleep without it.
It's just like, what do you want to do tonight? I don't know. Fucking watch Netflix.
Yeah, Harry Potter marathon. I'm going to watch more about the Menendez brothers.
I'm watching fucking 900 hours of the Menendez brothers. What's going on with that one? Is that the same guy who made the Dahmer thing? Is it as horny as the Dahmer the dommer one yeah this one's pretty horny because they said they got raped by their dad no it's a good defense after you kill a guy he was actually raping us yeah yeah yeah did you tell anyone before that no i forgot to tell anybody that's the spacey playbook it is a nice playbook i just want everyone to know that i am gay.
Yeah. It's also funny.
People, women are always like, they're so hot. Because they're hot in the show.
And I was like, do you want to see what these guys like? Women love murderers. Yeah.
Do they want to be? I think there's a. Lyle and Eric are hot.
I was like, these guys look like literal dipshits. Oh man.
These dipshits. Yeah.
But they're rich. They were rich for a week and then they got caught for blowing their parents brains.
Is that how they did it? Oh yeah. They broke into their house with shotguns.
Well, it was their house. They just walked downstairs and shot their parents while they were watching TV.
God, that's terrifying. It is.
Are we giving anything away if we talk about the thing that you had in the show? I don't know. Give it a shot.
Well, you putting a gun at my face. A prop gun.
Yeah. It's just terrifying to know that.
You're like clicking and you're like. Gone? Gone.
Just like. Maybe.
Maybe you're onto a better place. It's hope.
You? I don't know. Yes.
You think you're going to heaven? Oh, man. I don't know if you save time.
We get there. And then God's like, Steve Kerr.
I knew it. you want me to get set to help you think i'm gonna have to wait a little no the fantasy is so that's an insane fantasy i've never heard anyone say that.
Being at the pearly gates

and God goes,

Steve, I always liked you better.

Steve, you are better than Shane.

No, no, no.

He doesn't say that.

You're going to hell.

They just go,

Steve and then Shane.

I go,

I wonder who got in.

Oh,

a little pride

through the pearly gates.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a sin.

They would cast you down.

He does remind me of Lucifer steve yeah the the story how does that go being god's favorite angel and then lucifer was like i should be god i'm actually the best it's true i it's there's a degree of truth to that insofar as when you're not around,

I do act very differently.

Who knows?

Have you witnessed it?

What?

Him being a fucking cocky guy when I'm not around?

Would you describe it as cocky?

No, it's a roller coaster.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

There's every once in a while.

I feel like everyone's prone to that a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah. For sure.

When you're not around.

I would love to see some confidence.

You leave the room and someone's always going like, all right, fuckers.

He's out.

I'm in charge.

You pieces of shit.

Yeah.

My propensity to like walk by somebody to clean that up.

Thank you. charge you pieces of shit yeah my propensity to like walk by somebody like clean that up you know yeah it's a fun thing to do it's a fun yeah yeah it's really fun yeah just walk by someone go pick that up finish that script right now turn that hat around turn your hat around this isn't good one.
I was knocking Clay's hat off his head. I mean, he was doing it to me.
Oh, I got Clay's fart yesterday. Shout out to Clay on the fart.
The middle of me trying to do a lot. Like, I was in the middle of, what are you, a monologue? Yeah.
No, just dialogue. I was trying to, and he followed me into the room with the camera, and then I'm in there talking, and I just – suddenly I couldn't think of any lines because all I could smell was shit.
Mustard gas. And I was like, but why don't you come out here and do this? I was like, I'm sorry.
I can't talk. Somebody farted.
Sticks like shit in you, and he just goes, that was me. I farted.
I didn't really fart. It kind of just leaked out.
God damn, Clay.

Yeah, that's right.

We're boys.

He is the man.

Yeah, you and him just fart.

Is that a Laxbro thing?

You guys all just.

I don't know.

But you and Clay, two skunks walking around together.

You rip a fart and it stinks.

You just go, what?

My friend today played lacrosse. Oh, really?

Your friend. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you golfed with? yeah friend yeah yeah how good of friends are you guys not not great you know we're just it's a new friend it's a new friend yeah is he cool yeah he seems i mean you never know is he handsome uh yeah you knew he's watching no no i don't think i don't know no you got a couple drexel dragons at the club. You got a couple Dragons alumni.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Well, I don't know.

Neary. I'm sure he's told me.
I don't know. Neary's floating around.
Yeah. Damn, you went to Drexel too.
Yeah. Yeah.
I went to George Washington and failed out. Went to Delco Community College and failed out.
Oh, shit. You and me were all bad.
You're not better than me at all. You're literally not better than me at all.
I thought you'd be a good student. I thought so, too.
I thought everybody thought that. I don't focus.
I can't pay attention. Were you partying too hard? No.
I just did not care, and I just lose focus. Yeah.
But you were not partying? No. Did you have friends at all? When I went to Drexel, no.
Because I was working with my dad. You were just a quiet loser that wasn't good at school.
And like 25. Oh my God, dude.
It's failing out of college. At the age, once you get older, it's the easiest thing in the world.
College is so easy as long as you just turn things in on time yeah yeah that's yeah which is why i stopped going for a full semester i just didn't go to anything i had to go back to community no community college i was like all right dude we got we got to turn this thing around oh so you passed community passed community college. I did.
Okay. I failed.

I did that.

My, my, the summer of my freshman year I had, cause Drexel has like a quarter system.

I had to be in school for that summer and I just didn't, just didn't go.

Just didn't go.

I got like a point two.

I was basically the, you shaved your head and started working out.

That was it later.

That was a freak out. Yeah.
yeah, yeah. That's a real freak out.
Dude, I went home. You shaved your head and work out? I went home, and yeah, I freaked out.
I shaved my head. I hate myself.
I shaved my head. My dad came home from work.
He goes, what'd you do with all the hair? I was like, oh, I flushed it down the toilet. He was like, fucking great.
It clogged the toilet. I was like, it was literally day one of my turnaround.
It was just immediately. I'm different now.
I'm going to change. Nice going, shithead.
I'm going to go for a run. You probably did.
I did that. I went for a run you probably did i did that i went for a run but i i i had a bowl of cereal i had a bowl of cereal before i went and i got a mile away from my house and just had explosive diarrhea i had to see ultimate loser dude yeah you ever have milk and then go on a run? It just shakes.
Holy fuck, dude. It turns directly into cheese.
Where'd you shit? Where'd you shit? I waddled home, like, clinching my ass in, like, full, like, running gear. You know what I mean? Was your dad home when you burst into the door to shit? No, you had gone to work.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That comment, though, what'd you do with the hair? That would have like, that would have really, I would have seen red mist. Oh dude.
Can't you see I'm hurting? What are my actions? I don't know. You gotta see it from the dad's perspective.
He was home from like an actual day of work. I'm like just living at the house.
They tried to get me to paint like the deck and i couldn't do it no chance i fucked it up so bad it was yeah yeah that was the end of the road there yeah i got at elon i quit football so then i just literally just stopped doing everything okay and then i went home for christmas break and they were like you're expelled i was like i was the guy i was the guy at the bar they're just like you're expelled oh i keep forgetting to tell you i keep forgetting to tell you i tried to do that uh yesterday what when like you know during the one scene where everybody's, like, hanging up on me. I'm, like, trying to double.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, double down on the squint.
What? There was a drunk guy that got served right next to Shane. Was he asleep at the bar when they hit him with it? No, he was fine.
He was just just blacked out get the fuck out of here you piece of shit that's hilarious it's beautiful did i tell you the one that the second lip sync contest did we talk about that last time because there was the michael jackson one that was the freshman year no the sophomore year because we were talking about like that was freshman year yeah you must have been the man in high school you did a fucking michael jackson dance i look first place you see the picture you got first yeah fuck yeah you also did a thing where you dressed up as madonna that was so that that was software year and that that was the one i was telling because your dad being disappointed, that's the one thing my mom still gets triggered by to this day. Because I never cross-dressed or whatever.
What do you mean before? Of course. Your dad told me halfway through the performance, some guy yelled out, oh no, it's a man.
Yeah, he told you about it? What, did you just walk around telling her story you deceived them you did that yeah yeah they thought it was a sexy lady up there you know big eyelashes i hadn't hit puberty yeah i mean it was like i guess and my mom like to this day when you tell that story she's just like she's like yeah true i could see it yeah put him in a dress and a wig. Yeah.
What an unfortunate looking girl. Tall, tall, slender.
No, I was fine too. Ugly girl up there dancing.
I support this ugly girl. Oh, shit.
It's a guy. God damn it.
It's a gay guy. How'd it go? What happened with Madonna? It was really uncomfortable.
It was not as funny as I thought it was going to be. I like a virgin.
And then I did this move where I got down. He's like a virgin.
My hand and I like humped. And that's what triggered the person yelling.
The guy saw your penis. I don't think he saw my penis when I was wearing tights.
You can see right on my skirt. It was terrible.
It was really, really. Yeah.
Why did you? This was for a talent show? Yeah. And you did this totally by yourself.
It was a bad choice. Yeah, I thought it was going to be funny.
I thought it was going to be funny. It wasn't funny.
When you, right before you got on stage. So wait, no one was laughing? No.
Holy shit. No, I popped.
It was really bad. But right before you got on stage, were you like, I can't wait until they see this? Or did you start? Yeah There's times you start to know.
Yeah, no, no. I don't remember all that clear outside of doing that move and getting beat red.
Because you did get the response that I was kind of... There's got to be photos.
There's a video. I need this.
I need it. Please.
Just a dead, silent auditoriumium can we please put it at the end of the credits of tires i'll i'll get my mom to start looking yeah there's a couple different ones it's gonna tear the family apart she's gonna dig up this yes you're gonna find her trans son yeah well my dad actually told a funny story to the writers because he was you know he was telling about different people he had hired and he was like back uh in 83 this guy interviewed he'd been in business for like four years this guy interviewed and he asked like why'd you leave your last job and he was like you ever work for a fucking jew and uh you know my dad being jewish and so the you know they the writers asked him so what'd you do and he's like i hired him worked for me for four years great worker we had a lot of fun with that though because he like told all the other texts like don't say anything about me being jewish wait till payday and then tell but it's just like it's a hilarious response that's why i heard him that's good yeah there There was also like, didn't your dad play a prank on one of the texts where he had uh he had some lady call up and try to fuck one of them oh yeah that was that was terrible like he got one of there was like an attractive woman that worked in the office and he got her you know this was like before internet yeah so she was gonna be a care pressure he was like going and have funny with the manager at the time jesse and like you know act like uh you're trying to you're flirting yeah so she went in there and this whole thing with him like i got a problem with my car you know i don't have a lot of money maybe we could go in the back and he was very much like i can't do that, I'm married And then she was like, it's me Oh my god, he was married? Yeah, yeah Dad, why would you do it? Evil fucking trick That's an evil Jewish trick That's such a Jewish trick Go ruin that guy's life Destroy that man's life sign his checks. I'll do whatever I want with his soul.
Oh, my God. That was my reaction.
Are you crazy to do that? That's so fucked up. It's so fucked up.
It's fucked up in multiple ways. It's like you're getting me all aroused and then I'm like making it.
And then if he brought her back, he's humiliated in front of the company. And his wife.
He's going to get a divorce. The story is going to go around and she's going to hear it eventually.
He's going to get a divorce. That evil Jewish truth.
What was the voice again? What were you doing? You can try it. No, no.
Go in there and ruin his life. Ruin his life? Destroy his soul.
And my dad would just be like, ah, Stephen, we're just having a little fun. That's pretty funny.
How about Phil FaceTiming you? Oh, my God. that was like the joke of the day that was nice you dad so my dad had a very serious health scare that's why i was i yeah i had to go home a lot and check and see go to the hospital which was that sucks yeah but when he came out of surgery we facetimed him and he was like, how's everything going? He's got like tubes in his way.

The worst angle I've ever seen in a man.

He's literally like in a hospital bed.

He looked like a harkening.

Yeah.

But I was like, Chris is doing good.

John's doing great.

Kyler's doing great.

Steve sucks.

And he goes, Steve sucks.

And I held the phone to Steve.

And he goes, Steve sucks. Literally on his deathbed.
God, fuck you, pussy. Yeah.
I think you're like, Steve isn't doing too good. Yeah.
Steve's ruining it or something. Then he's like, Steve sucks.
That was one of my favorite Phil moments. Right out of the gate, everyone's like, Phil, what's going on? You're good and he goes i don't need your fucking video unreal yeah it was uh phil ultimate warrior the first time i saw him in the hospital thing he was bad and i was like my mom was she didn't really tell us how bad it was she didn't want everyone freaking out so i got in there and he was like i was like holy fuck this could be it yeah anyway i kept it together because i didn't want to fire him up because he was on like shit i was just like dad those would have been my last words i was like you got this you know you're number one but then i left and i started you know i was tearing up a little leaving the hospital and while i'm leaving i was wearing glasses so the guy wouldn't have seen me visibly crying.
But I'm leaving and the guy just goes,

are you Shane Gillis? And I go,

yeah.

And got in my car and left.

He goes, holy shit, are you Shane Gillis?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the fuck's wrong with that guy?

That's got to be one of the bizarre

things about... Can I get a picture picture I don't know yeah out of it the saddest people catching you your entire range of emotions throughout the day tired wake up feeling good people are catching you normally it's good unless it's something like seeing your dad dying then and it's not then you don't really want to talk to people even then i was like hey how are you yeah but then phil miraculous like the next day then i went back to the hospital the next day and he he was fine.
He was a lot better. They did.
Yeah. He powered through that.
I thought that was looking dicey. Yeah.
He was 50-50 on that one early. How old is he? 68.
Okay. But he got after it.
That was funny. He was in the hospital, but I was like, fucking good run, though.
He gets a hell of a run. I was like, hell yeah.
Damn. What an attitude.
It was funny, was in the hospital but I was like fucking good run though he gets a hell of a run

I was like

hell yeah

damn

what an attitude

it was funny

yeah

it was very funny

that phone call

was incredible

what the FaceTime

I mean

shut up

yeah

I need your fucking

Steve sucks

that's right

out of the game

that's just fucking

yeah

I was literally

thinking about

getting him a card

I know

that's what you said

he was like

Steve sucks

you're like

I was gonna get him

a card

I'm sorry. that's right out of the gate yeah I was literally thinking about getting him a card I know that's what you said he was like Steve sucks you're like I was gonna get him a card I hope he's alright with me talking about his health but whatever he's fine now he's doing great is he home yet? tomorrow fuck yeah so that oh man He's not allowed to drive now for a while.

He's just stuck with my mom.

He's going to be fucking crazy.

He's going to be crazy.

And he's got to chill on the drinking.

They're definitely saying, you need to stop.

And he's like, okay.

There's no way he stops.

He was already like, I have a couple at night.

He was like, you have more than a couple.

He's like, all right.

I'll bring it down to a couple at night.

Thank you. stops.
He was already like, I have a couple a night. You have more than a couple.
He's like,

alright.

I'll bring it down to a couple a night

and work my way back up to where I'm at.

Yes.

That is a thing in the medical community.

Coming back from

injuries, I just got to build myself

and start from

square one.

I feel like the medical community does not appreciate how much regular people drink.

They know.

You think?

Yes.

Yeah.

Unless you get like an Indian doctor.

I told you this before.

I went because I had some rotten chicken fingers at a comedy club and fucking destroyed me.

Okay.

And I was like, oh, this is serious.

So I went to a doctor and he was like, so how much do you drink?

And I was like, probably like 50 beers a week and he was like oh my god your pancreas is failing that's what that is and i was like i don't all right then we got the blood work he was like everything's fine he's like is that how much you drink yeah i was like yeah it's like case of beer was like some of the mechanics would drink a case of beer yeah they put down a case yeah that's when you die you're gonna die at 60 probably yeah yep apparently the gener the younger generation doesn't drink as much yeah apparently they're finding out it's bad for you yeah because everybody's parents is dead that fucking oh yeah good for them they're doing. Everybody's parents is dead.
Yeah, yeah. They're having fun.
They're doing everything else. But, yeah, that sucked.
Seeing Phil. Yeah.
But whatever. He's back.
He'll be back. He knew he'd be back.
He had to lay there and watch the Phillies lose. That's a tough one.
Being in a hospital bed watching those fucking games. Yeah.
Just watching the whole team not hit. Dude, after the Sunday game, though, I was like, they're back.
I thought so, too. I was like, they are back.
Yeah. They were flat.
They were flat the next two games. They subbed everyone out.
Just keep them in there. I didn't even like the fact...

I guess Bohm has been sucking, but

I didn't like them benching him. No.

Just keep them in. Did they bench

Bohm? They benched Bohm in game two.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, it was Sosa playing

third. He was.
I think so,

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Well, that's good baseball talk. Back to the line.
I did an evil Jewish trick this morning, I think, where I found the cabinet thing I was looking for on Facebook Marketplace. And I kept saying I was going to pick it up for like two weeks and just not picking it up and this lady was getting so pissed at me and then stopped responding and then i like sadie called her and was like hey like we're for real we're gonna come pick it up and we went there today and we got in there and i was just like it's too big oh they had taken the tv out of the cat they had unplugged everything they had it ready to move you gotta just take it I dude I was this close huge it would fit here it would but it would be it'd be too big I couldn't do it I could and it weighed 200 pounds and I had to lift it with like there's no yeah we just couldn't have I felt really really bad shame but I don't think we feel comfortable associating with you on this yeah I disagree with your behavior yeah why what was I supposed to do take it and then do what then I just have it and then I got to get rid of it that's how things work that's how things work then I'm just in their shoes.
I got a giant cabinet. The curse is on you.
It follows. Dude, I walked away from it just being like, wow, I can't believe I stood up for myself in that moment.
I thought it was like a real achievement. It's kind of an achievement to be that big of a piece of shit.
For real. I would have been like I would have taken it.
This episode is brought to you by Max. The Emmy award winning series Hacks returns this April.
The new season follows Debra Vance making a move from her Vegas residency to Hollywood showbiz. Tensions rise as Debra and Ava try to get their late night show off the ground and make history while doing it starring gene smart and hannah einbinder hacks season four is streaming thursday april 10th exclusively on max and don't forget to check out the official hacks podcast on spotify i thought about i thought about paying for it and taking it right to the dump did you offer a little money like a little like holding money maybe? No.
No, I said I had her guys. This is a Jewish trick.
I'm a Jewish. I'm a Jewish.
I'm a Jewish necklace. I think I'm going to start wearing it.
Really? Yeah. Because Shane was wearing a necklace.
I was like, oh, you're wearing fucking jewelry. It was like, it's a thing for my dad.
I was like, dang it. It felt like bad luck not to wear it.
Yeah. But my grandma had given me like a, they're called a chai.
It's like a, you know. The Star of David? No, it's like Hebrew.
Does it look like pie? Yes. Okay.
Oh, yeah. I've seen that thing.
Yeah. You're going to wear that? I think I'm going to start wearing it.
Yes. Why don't we just get you a patch for your sleeve that was a little i did look awesome in my neck yeah why do necklaces look so cool what is i don't know you know what though i do have a hunchback from leaning my terrible posture so it shows it kind of sits it's it sits in the crease the crease like if you look like leaning forward it's like sitting on top of a it's not good it actually makes you work on your posture so i can't have that my posture is fucking terrible yeah that was uh do you ever try to sit with good posture yes yeah it's uncomfortable it's what gay guys do it's for girls and gay guys you can't good posture is crazy looking this was this was making me when i came to the the chain i was like i gotta wear it because this all started phil's health scare and i put i put the blame on myself me and nate marshall were in philly we were walking around we went to saint St.
Patrick's Cathedral right in Rittenhouse. It's awesome.
You can just go in. We were walking by, and I was like, let's go in there.
It was empty. It's awesome.
You can just go in? Yeah. Oh.
We went in. I was like, let's fucking say a prayer.
So we were sitting in the pews, and I was like, damn, I haven't had a church fart in so long. And I let one go.
And I was like, that is kind of disrespectful to just walk into a cathedral and fart. Take one of the candles.
And then the next day, Phil was in the hospital, and I was like, I know I shouldn't have farted in that church. There's probably nobody funnier to be at a church service with if you're going to, like, with you.
It was my, I couldn't, by the time time i was senior year i couldn't get through mass with my friends i would be the second i walked in i was like this is gonna be the funniest thing that's ever happened every time what would you do kids would fart kids all of my all of my friends would fart as loud as they could it was the funniest it was great church is nothing comes near it. Yeah.
Oh, dude. Yeah.
I remember my brother, we had to stop going because my brother and I couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing. And they tried to sit us apart.
Makes it worse. But you had so many inside jokes already that you just feel the pew shaking.
You can just feel my brother starting to just shake, laugh. And then I just lose control.
So that was the punishment though, because it was me and my sisters and you would always try to sit not next to Phil, because he would be like, motherfucker. Oh, really? The whole mass, he was like, you fucking...
He just went there to beat the fuck out of it. He would literally grab you by the back of your neck and be like, fucking shut the fuck up.
He He didn't find it funny? No. Okay.
Although if somebody hit a fart, he was like. Yeah.
But school, we had to go every Thursday in school. So then it's just a high school of kids farting.
Right. Everyone's farting.
Or like screaming. Somebody would like yell shit.
It was the funniest.

It was the best.

And then team mass for football.

That was just the football team at a chapel on Friday before the game.

And it was, you got to listen to your dumb ass teammates try to read.

Like be like, and today's good vibes.

It's just like, holy shit.

Yeah, it was, I had to, they asked me to read.

I was like, I literally, I will howl.

Thank you. Like, be like, and today's the bugs.
It's just like, holy shit. Yeah, it was, I had to, they asked me to read.
I was like, I literally, I will howl. I will be dying laughing the entire time.
Dude. I can't read.
I went to it. When's the last time you went to mass? It's been a while.
Yeah. I went, I went, we were up in New Hampshire.
There was a, there's like a church island that I went to. And I was like, I want to see what it's like.
I want to see like what the homelette about five ten minutes in you're like dude the guy was unbelievably bad it sounded like he found out about christianity the day before was it catholic uh no protestant there's your problem yeah do they have fucking a guitar no but they they were close it was close It was like yeah i went to a catholic last catholic mass i was at it was just oh yeah i flew down to florida for my uncle's funeral and they didn't even have a service they just they mentioned us during the mass it was just a regular mass okay i was in like a suit it's like why the fuck did It was like the happy. I thought it was a funeral.
Yeah.

And then towards the end, they're like, and also we pray for Don Bowie and his family.

We were all just like, I flew to Florida, but it was weird.

It was a Catholic Catholic mass and they had the fucking band guitar and a drum set.

Trying to make church cool drives me crazy.

Don't make it.

Keep it scary. Yeah.

Make it very scary.

Scary is the way to go.

I don't do that.

Keep it scary.

Yeah, make it very scary.

Scary is the way to go.

What do you do in Jewish church?

The last time I went to synagogue was after 9-11.

Ooh, did you guys high-five in there?

What?

After 9-11, you went to the celebratory fucking synagogue?

Why did we high-five? Oh, you think it's the Jews? Okay. I didn't know if the argument was it was justification then for Jews to do other, you know, whatever.
Do they have rock and roll synagogue? When I was growing up, I went to a reform synagogue.

Somebody did play guitar.

Really?

It's just a Jew ripping. Yeah, there's a tree of life to those who'll pass to it.

All of its forms are happy.

What?

What was the Jewish song?

The Tree of Life.

Tree of Life.

How does it go?

And then there's those like, Shalom Damn, you're really Jewish. That's good.
I support all my Jewish friends in this hard time. You guys are going through it.
Have you noticed a rise in anti-Semitism or is it just hanging out with me you know what I have noticed a rise in anti-Semitism it's hilarious um let's see I start wearing my pendant the pendant's gonna be nice I'm gonna be on that I'm gonna be on that I almost wanna see what you do with it.

I wish you didn't tell me.

But if it's the pie symbol,

I would have gotten it wrong.

If it's the fucking pie symbol, you fucking math dork.

Even worse.

Yeah, that feels like

I had a...

If I don't say it, it's like a horror movie that i don't know when i'm gonna get attacked you know what is the what does the thing represent like good luck okay why could the quotes that's my understanding i haven't really looked that's what my grandma told me. So we'll see.

Maybe I'll... Because you're supposed to...

You guys have like pendants for specific things though, right?

I don't know.

You have saints?

No.

Or any like...

I don't even think...

What are the other characters?

They don't even have a messiah, bro.

They killed...

True.

Yeah, they're not...

They got one and they're like, no.

This one's not good enough no hey guys it's me the messiah no not you things are bad we don't want good things we like being bad they were bad boys yeah would you have that? Would you have crucified him? If, well, listen, I'm very much a girl at the slow time. I probably would have.
Some guy fucking yapping on him. I said that.
Go ahead. I didn't mean to cut you off.
What's that? After that NXIVM, you know, like that sex call? Oh, yeah. And there's a documentary and there's like all his supporters outside the jail yeah and i'm like i get i i get being like we got it off this guy could you yeah could you imagine if you're a pontius pilot and you had jesus in your district i used to do that joke that was my really i had a jesus joke about like okay like he didn't look like oh yeah he looked like shit you ever see that rendering of me looked like fucking dobby from harry potter he was like four foot two wearing a potato sack running around like give money to the poor i've never met a poor person that didn't say that every single homeless guy's like help when he's hanging out with hookers and everyone's like why are you hanging out with's like, fuck you, dude.
You do bad shit too. I've never met someone who didn't do that.
Every single dude that gets with a hooker is like, who the fuck are you to judge? Motherfucker. None of his messages were that special.
And then the Jews were like, get rid of it. You're not doing that joke anymore? Isn't that like part of the passion of the Christ? like the Roman Empire too was on Pontius' ass about, dude, yeah, you got to keep that place in order.

Yeah, and also it was during, when they did crucify him, it was during like a religious holiday for Jewish people.

So the city was packed, like hundreds of thousands of people.

And there was like 200 Roman soldiers in a garrison and there was already like civil unrest and then they were like you gotta kill this guy they had no they would have they had to do it box yeah if they were like no they were the jews would have been oh god yeah we're gonna get in there we're gonna get you what's the story about jesus flipping the tables the money changer you guys were out front fucking selling shit in the temple and he was like get that shit out of here oh it's outside the temple fucking merch at the temple I didn't know this is for God stop trying to fucking sell shit all the time just stop trying to make money oh God our tables helps the world go round nobody Nobody wanted to do it. Everybody wanted the Jews to go to hell.
And suddenly the Jews got rich and then all of a sudden we decided it was a bad idea. It was money.
Yeah. It's a good point.
Yeah. There's no banking, right? Banking was like illegal.
I think it was loans. Yeah.
Usury. You can...
6% or something. Yeah, usury or usury.
Yeah. That's like loans.
but i also understand wanting to make it illegal because it like you would money lend at like 50 like people didn't understand interest so if you understood it you would yeah i would have i would have been taken for everything yeah it'd be like you want 50 bucks i'm like yeah all right you owe us 290 dollars i'm like sure oh fuck what have i done i remember hearing that somewhere where like the the pope was very close with the jews and every time they decided to kill a bunch of jews he had to like meet with the guy and be like hey man my hands are tied tax season you guys know how this goes it's tax season there going to be some real unhappy people.

We're going to take it out on you.

You guys are good at that, though.

What bit?

Money.

Yeah, the money stuff.

That's a good thing to be good at.

Yeah.

I mean, that's at least my understanding from one book that I read.

Yeah.

Was that it was sort of an illegal thing.

And because people thought you'd go to hell if you did it they let the jews do it nice yeah yeah good for the jews on that one i guess just being like yeah we'll do it they're afraid of ghosts so we get to have all the money because they think they're gonna go to they think they're gonna think they're going to burn forever. I wonder if those guys had that thought, though, just like on their deathbeds being like, I hope those guys weren't right.
I hope everybody I've ever met wasn't right. I bet you they did.
I don't know. You don't think so? I'd have that thought.
Yeah. Chris, I think I'm.
Yeah, yeah. We're going to have a big time.
We don't know. Let me say something nice real quick.
Fuck. I never say nice things.
Sorry, I tried to feel smart, dudes. I remember in my hardcore atheism days, I would be like, I would never.
They're talk about people like deathbed confession. Oh, you're going to be begging.
Dude. You're going to be begging.
Crying like a bitch. Yeah.
It's like my favorite norm. Just being a coward at death.
Like death coming to me and be like, no. Take my grandson instead.
Not me. Dude, my, like the, the, the two that I, my Jewish grandparents had died.
The, my Zeta, he, he handled it like a champ because he had an aortic aneurysm and they knew it was going to go at some point. And so it went and he had like three days.
And so like they took him the hospital. And obviously they got him heavily medicated.

Yeah. But before that kicked in, what do you got?

No, I was just thinking of my dad coming out of anesthesia.

Apparently there was like a nurse in like an all blue.

Somehow Phil thought he was on a cruise ship.

He thought he was talking to the captain.

He came out and he was like, I'm on a cruise ship.

Smiling like, I'm on a boat.

They're like, I got bad news for you.

You're in fucking Harrisburg.

It is also funny to think that in Phil's mind, he's always on a cruise ship.

Oh, yeah.

So he handled it well.

He handled it really well.

Then my Bubby, she had sundowners. So she was starting to lose it after he passed.
So wait, sundowns just get a little wacky at night? At night. That's fun.
And then- So scary. Why? It is.
Because it's like- Dude, old people doing weird shit when the sun goes down. That's awesome.
It's the scariest thing there is. The freaks come out at night.
My dad hired a woman to live at the house with her. Yeah.
And the woman called my dad at four in the morning was like, you have to come get me because it was getting so bad. And she had locked the door and then my mommy kicked it open and it was like, get out of my house.
Holy shit. That'd be the scariest.
She's just like frail. Oh my God.
My mom kept like, yeah. Oh my God.
That'd be scary. But she went downhill.
Now that the. Oh, my God.
Bleached blonde. My mom kept like.
Oh, my God.

That'd be scary.

But she went downhill.

She was Jamaican maids.

Like Jamaican.

Jamaican be crazy at night.

Yeah.

At the.

Like the.

What are they called?

Nursing homes.

They were hitting her with some dead legs.

Yeah.

She would act up.

They'd go.

Oh, my God.

The one nurse that told my mom a funny story. She was laying with her.
And then my mom goes, what are they going to say about us? And she was like, what's that? And she's like, me? Like, here with a black man? Just like a lady. Oh, man.
That's pretty fucking sexual. Yeah.
There was like a fantasy. She's like, what are they going to say about us? She.
Whoa. I bet you.
And I don't like that I'm going to say this, but I do bet. She had a fantasy? No.
That like some of the stuff that, you know, how. Had happened.
Genetics. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Like I bet some of my sexual.

Like I come from your grandma.

You think your grandma being a freak toss it down to you?

I bet you there's some of it because she.

Yeah.

She's a sexual freak.

She would just like talk about.

Yeah.

What would she talk to you about?

Nothing like.

So after my Zeta pass, like on the right. No right no great like she's grieving and she's old yeah but she like we were just like in the car and then she was like we were morning lovers and it was like oh whoa just like in the car my Zeta's gone.

We fucked in the morning.

That's actually a really sweet thing.

Yeah.

Her saying that.

It's really actually nice. It is very sweet, but so gross.

Why did she unload that at that moment?

I don't know.

She's old.

Yeah, in the moment.

Who knows?

It was probably a really beautiful memory. It's probably a really nice memory.
Just thinking of all the times they fucked in the morning. Seeing the curtains and the wind breeze.
I don't know why I can't talk, but whatever. And the wind breeze.
Yeah, we know what you meant. Yeah, it is.
I imagine it's kind of crazy that they fucked regularly in the morning all the way to the end. Just piping down your fucking meemaw or whatever you call her.
What'd you call her? Bubz. Bubz.
Yeah. Because Bubby, we couldn't say it.
Bubby getting piped down in the morning. Walking with a limp the rest of the day.
She was always like, she wore like leather pants. She had like bleach bonnet.
Yeah. Oh, she was a a sex freak yeah she and now you're a sex freak

she's the one thing and i'm not trying to like just smirch her so do you think it skipped a generation or i don't want to talk about that no i don't want to talk about it because it's because you know it's disgusting i don't think it's disgusting for you i think my dad's you think You dad's a horny sex freak.

Hold on.

You dad better not be a horny sex freak.

Did you ever walk in on your parents? No. Oh.
Never. I didn't like walk in, but there was something about to get going.
Yeah, I don't think. I don't think I ever really.
I don't think I ever heard them having. I think my sisters did.
I was the youngest. By the time I was old, old enough to know when someone was fucking, they were kind of old.
Old enough that they weren't loudly fucking. Chris, did you ever? What? I think you and me probably had similar parents when it came to sex.
They never discussed it. We never talked about it.
Oh, interesting. They're not even like, they're like warm to one another, but there was never, ever, ever anything even remotely close to like a sexual kiss.
Oh, my God. I do remember them.
Like even kiss. I remember them.
That is great. I remember them making out on the couch when I was a kid.
Really? I remember them making out and me seeing it and being like, whoa. Yeah, but I was so young.
I was just like, what are you guys doing? There was one moment. A little gay-ass son came in and was like, mind if I get a taste? Dude, I did have one memory like that where there was a sleepover with a couple of my buddies, and my dad came home from work on the Friday night or whatever.
He was ready to go. And he was hot to try.
He must have had a few drinks or whatever, but he came in and he kissed my mom and then howled like a wolf. He went, oh.
Yeah, that's good. And my buddies and I were like, what the fuck? I was like, I don't know.
My dad's nuts. I don't know.
That was the only thing. You get older and you realize like you want them to be.
Of course. Yeah, of course.
Because that'd be tragic. Yeah.
Yeah. But I like that they had outward facing nothing.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And your parents were sexual freaks.
I'm just having a lot of things. I would like to hear about it.
I have a lot going on over here. What happened? I don't want to talk about all of it.
You don't have to, but. Just certain things that, I mean.
You walked in on it? I didn't walk in on it the one time, but, like, I ever walked in on was him dry off of her in the kitchen. What the fuck? Was she on the counter? She was on the phone.
Oh, he was being funny. Yeah, and then he was like, yeah.
And then I turned her and then I was like, oh my God. Wait, was she reaching down and dog-eated her? And he had a leg up on the counter.
And then he was like yeah and then i turned and then i was like was she getting reaching down yeah and he had a leg up on the counter and then uh i was like oh my god and then he turned around his face was beat red he goes what it's natural and i was like and then but there's just so many times where he'd be like my kids are gonna see that he'd be like If a girl bends down, yeah. Yeah.
I'm getting in there. Oh.
You go.

It's fun. my kids are going to see that.
If a girl bends down, I'm getting in there.

It's fun.

It is fun.

He would always be like,

to my mom, you're going to go take a shower?

You got a little touchdown Timmy Walls as a father.

You want to hit the shower?

I was like, ah!

I just couldn't get it, couldn't.

Would you get real grossed out?

Yeah, yeah.

Then if I were him, I would never stop.

I was back from Little League.

What did you say?

If I were him, I would never.

If you literally reacted like, ah, I would do it.

No, stop. What happened when you got back from Little League? I was like, my arthritis was less controlled at this time.
And I was in. My parents had a jacuzzi.
So I like went. What? Of course they had a jacuzzi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I went into the jacuzzi.
And then I guess guess they forgot that i was in there and then like i heard them coming to the bedroom because it wasn't like they're better you know and the jacuzzi was in their bedroom oh yes yes yes it's like a bathroom off their bedroom i was thinking hot tub yes yeah and then i just like this feels like such but my mom was he goes how much time do we have and she's like i have a like something in the oven it's like eight minutes he's like it's plenty of time and then i just like what do i do and i unplug the water you know so it was like yeah and then he was like and then they just scurried out and i was like ah yeah oh my god close call that's a real close call. That's a tough one.
Oh my god. That's really funny though.
Look at those legs. You look good.
Thanks. Yeah, I think that would have scarred me up.
I know. You're going to be so bad.
I know. You're a sex freak.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're a little pervert.

Aren't you?

No, I'm not a Jewish pervert.

Yeah.

I don't see a woman and go.

I mean, only in my head do I do that.

Just a nice goy.

It does sort of feel...

Yeah, you're Nosferatu.

What is that?

You ever see the vampire Nosferatu?

No.

I know the reference to I Love You, Man.

That's mean.

What do you mean?

I said you kind of look like him, and I took it back immediately.

That's fine.

But, you know, we have to go?

No.

I was just showing you Nosferatu.

This is you in the doorway.

Trying to go, can I have some pussy tonight?

That's what she sees when you go down on her.

No, she's. I know.
down on her. No, she's...

I know, I'm sorry.

I'm being nasty.

Does she touch your hair?

Yeah, occasionally.

That's one thing.

It doesn't suck when you're balding and they start touching your hair.

You're like, oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

Dude.

Man, that's good stuff.

What time is it?

Oh, the Irish are on in a half hour.

How long did we do?

An hour and five.

Oh, hey.

We can keep going, though.

I've been gone.

The boys.

I've abandoned my boys.

I've abandoned my children.

Give me the blood, Lord.

Let me get away.

Give me the blood.

Give me the blood, Steve. Steven, you boy.
Give me the blood. Give me the blood, Steve.

Steven, you boy.

I'm going to bury you underground, Steven.

That's good.

You got to do that.

I love that movie.

It's so good.

Oh, we didn't even talk about Tampa Ham.

We did not talk about Tampa Ham.

The Beezerine was on one.

Yeah.

We went out on Wednesday.

Tuesday night.

Tuesday night.

And the Beez was fired up. He was probably the funniest I've seen him We were literally crying laughing It was Chris and Sadie and me and my girlfriend and Beezer was at the other end of the table and the four of us were just having normal conversations Beezer was at the end of table, didn't stop talking, just spewing hate by himself,

just going like,

Chris, you fuck.

Well, it started with...

Sorry, I'm going to go get a tissue.

It started with...

Well, now we're telling...

We're going to need you to tell you the story.

Okay, okay.

I'll be ready.

He was.

He was...

The switch flipped.

It was great.

Oh, yeah, at Ryan's.

So we went to watch the...

We were watching the Phillies game. We were at Ryan's after we filmed, and Beezer was just dead silent.
Yeah. He was sitting on the end of the table by himself, not talking.
Like, I forgot he was there a couple times. Except he kept calling Francisco Alvarez a fatball boy.
He was – Which was amazing. He did order a car bomb for himself, i've never seen that move yeah like the waitress came by and he was like uh i'll get a car bomb and just went back to watch the game i was like you're not getting anyone else you're doing he got he's sitting by himself goes i've never seen anything like yeah but it didn't ever done it's like that's a few years but then he got another he bezer got hammered okay so then we go to another bar after the game and bezer's sitting by him he's at the end of the table we're having our own conversation he didn't stop spewing hate towards chris and sadie occasionally sadie and i'd be like all right It started a little over the line on this one.
It started with a picture. Oh, the picture.

No, I. to chris and sadie occasionally sadie and i'd be like all right it started a little over the line on this it started with the picture oh you took a picture i took a picture of beezer and i was like god damn you look good as fucking that and that's all it took because then the rest of the night he was like take a picture of me i look good as fuck i'm handsome and i was like chris is handsome i took a picture of chris not not your best picture i thought it started with a picture getting taken of me and he was like why are you even fucking taking you can't take pictures you fucking piece of shit and then Shane goes alright let's take a picture of you I bet you're gonna see what you look like and dude he was amazing in every photo yeah it was a nice He just started posing.
We've 60 photos of him in different poses. Looking incredible.
Trying to answer it. 1043 was the bees.
1044, the con man. The poor answer.
It actually wasn't a bad picture, but it was just fun to tell Beezer how good he looked. He looks really good.
He does. He did.
He had drank in like two weeks so he got in there and just got fucking after it but he's just sitting there spewing hatred until occasionally it would hit and Chris would be like what the bees got you he's just chum in the water the whole time and then he was was like, you fucking played lacrosse. You suck at sports.
Fuck you. He doesn't.
You don't. No, of course not.
And then O'Connor's like, what the fuck did you ever do? And he was like, Tampa Am. Tampa Am.
What is that? And then we're like, what the fuck is the Tampa Am? He's like, are you kidding me? Tampa Am? We're like, what is the Tampa Am? He's like, Google it. Give it a giggle.
the fuck is the tampa am he's like are you kidding me tampa am we're like what is the tampa am he's like google it give it a google like dude what is the tampa am he's like you out of your fucking mind you don't know what the tampa am is like no yeah he goes these guys know what the fucking tampa am just two random dudes yeah two guys no one knows what the tampa am is eventually we figured out it's a skateboarding competition that he did that's hilarious it was incredible and chris was like what'd you do with the tampa am he's like fucking nose grind reverse you hit him with the line of the century though because he was like you love kamala you fucking love kamala and you go kamala is cooler than a nose grind reverse at the Tampa Ham and he's like, I'll kill that bitch. He was going crazy.

That is a good line.

Yeah. Come on, here's the corner of the reverse nose grind at the Tampa AM.
Yeah. Oh, are you kidding me? He goes, you think she can nose grind on me? I'll kill that bitch.
And then I was talking shit to him about the nose grind thing too. And he said't talk to me sweet oh yeah you're talking to me sweet don't play me play me sweet don't play me sweet that's good it was it was it was amazing we laughed for an hour straight he did not stop for one straight hour i was just talking shit to everyone like real mean there was a 30 minute chunk where I was trying to tell a story about spilling pasta in the old house.
Tom, you admit you did it. He was just telling a story about spilling, ordering a tray of ziti from Grubhub and just immediately dropping it.
That's the whole story. And I was copping to the whole thing.
Yeah, he was just trying to tell the story. And Beezer the whole time was like, admit you spilled it.

Admit you fucking spilled it.

He's trying to admit it.

He's like, admit it.

He's like, he did admit it.

He's telling us how he did it.

And then I would start telling him, he'd go, watch him, watch him.

He's not kidding.

He's going to lie.

He's going to fucking lie.

He's playing me sweet.

I don't know if it's as funny to anybody that wasn't there.

I would feel

uncomfortable. No, he was being funny.

He was intentionally. He knew what he was doing.

He was very intentionally being funny.

He was just being wild. It was

so funny. Yeah, it was a good

night.

That rough ending

but whatever. We don't need

to talk about the ending.

He took a spill.

He took a Beezer tumble He took a measurer tumble. He took a brewski tumble outside.
He took a brewski tumble. He got dinged up.
He took a brewski tumble. He was so drunk.
While he was talking shit to Chris, he fell into my lap. He was still talking shit.
He was like, you fucking piece of shit. Oh, man.
He kept offering cigarettes to people. The waitress came by.
He was like, what are you, fucking vape? And she was just this sweet, nice waitress. She was like, yeah.
Why don't you smoke a real cigarette? She was like, I'd love one. He goes, yeah, fucking right.
Jeez. It was an absolute clinic.
And then he went downstairs, found two college kids that bought him a shot. And then he was like, you want to meet Shane? And he brought them upstairs.
So now there's just two boys with us. Yeah.
And he's like, you guys don't even know about the fucking Tampa. He just started attacking them.
And I had to explain to them. I was like, he's just joking.
Yeah. He's totally joking right now.
Everybody was confused. Sure.
But I loved it. It was my favorite Beezer.
Tampa am is November 7th. We got to get down to the Tampa.
I wonder if it's still going on. Definitely.
That was a really, that was a flyer. Yeah.
And then when you sent that, I was like, I don't think he remembers talking about the Tampa Ham. He's got to.
He did. It came around.
Oh, I got the videos. They're so good.
Play a little of that audio. I don't know.
It's not going to be good. Right there, he's demonstrating how he would grind.
He'd go, one leg, reverse grind. You're of the tampa half i go did ben margera win the tampa half he goes no chris colvin who the fuck is chris i don't know what he was saying it was wonderful anyway i don't know how great that story is it's so good it's vintage beezer i wish you were there for it you would have heated it yeah know my taste.
Yeah. We got to get you going a little.
No, no, no. We don't.
No, no, no. We don't.
Yeah, I'll stop trying. I feel like you like a good dust up, though.
No. I like a nice, calm golf course.
You would have thought it was so funny, though. Golf course, you know.
Yeah. I'll stop trying to change it.
That's a Saturday morning thing. No, no.
Saturday nights for the fellas. No Dame games for the fellas.
That's when we go have a couple of brewskis. Watch the Irish in 20 minutes.
We got to go. Yeah, yeah.
Big game. And Red River.
And the Red River rivalry. Red River.
It's a shootout. Yeah.
I hope it's a shootout. It's the Red River school shooting today at 3.30.
And you're coming. We're going to have fun.
I'm going axe throwing. So you go on fun dates with other friends.
So you have no idea how much I fought going on this. Yeah, he got bullied into this.
I've never done anything with her. There's no question.
Ever. Oops.
This is just to get back in the black with his lady for sure. Yeah.
You are scheming, little fuckers. Deep in the red.
I promise you. Conniving.
Yeah. I promise you.
I know. He has to do something bad to me, so we can go out.
I'm mad at you. Please don't be mad at me.
I'll ask for mom to look up the Madonna video. Find some leverage.
That would make up. I did thearotti, and the fourth year I did Lord of the Dance, and I think we definitely have the Lord of the Dance as well.
I need all of them. Was the Gerben routine a thing at your high school? Were people pumped for it? They were pumped for the...
What the fuck's Pavarotti? He's the opera guy. Did you sing opera?

No, it was a lip sync.

There's no dancing.

I had a bunch of stuff tucked in my... I was doing a gag.

You were doing gags.

Where did Madonna come in the order?

Second.

Sophomore year.

It was a sophomore slump.

You burst onto the scene with damn Jay.

A little sophomore slump. That happens.
It's so hard. It's so hard to stay in the top.
You probably got it back by Lord of the Dance. Lord of the Dance, I did.
That must have killed. It did kill.
I had rip away pants. Yeah, yeah.
You're doing stuff. Can I see it? No, no.
Please? I don't even remember. Dude, it was fake.
That's in there. You don't lose that.
It was fake. It was all fake.
You were the Lord of the Dance. But I don't know Lord of the Dance.
I'll do it, but it's fake. I don't know it.
You just made the whole thing up? Yeah. Like, as you go? Give us an example.
Fake Irish jig? I was just, you know, you were just like, I had like a thing. Yeah.
I forget about it. That was pretty good, though.
Hands at the waist was nice. Yeah, you do this, you know.
Do you get the hop going and the leg kicks? I think it did. Ooh, a little hop.
Yeah. I forget about it.
That was pretty good, though. Yeah.
Hands at the waist was nice. Yeah, you do this, you know.
Do you get the hop going and the leg kicks? I think it did. Ooh, a little hop.
Tearaway pants. And that was the thing.
Reverse. Reverse nose dive.
You're done. You love Kamala Harris.
I'll kill her. I was like, holy shit.
That was my favorite Bs. Yeah bees yeah that was I wish you understood how funny it was it was so funny it was so funny nice guys he was being nice he was being funny like if you told her I would tell him alright that one was you're getting a little close alright Alright, we gotta watch the Irish.

Steven, thank you. We're gonna do this

hopefully regularly. We'll get McKeever

on here. We'll talk tires a little.

In the meantime, how about

Matt McCusker carrying the load?

He's a workhorse right now. He's doing great.
I keep meaning

to watch the Glenn Lowry. He's got

some good stuff coming.

Shout out to Matt. We love you.

I care about you.

I miss you.

Those are cool glasses.

They're bifocals.

Those are?

Yeah.

Well,

because do you remember when John put that,

that thing on Instagram of like me reading the menu?

Oh my God.

With the term air music.

It's because they're bifocals.

That was the funniest thing. Oh my God.
With the Terminator music. It's because they're buying.
That was the funniest thing.

Yeah.

Shit.

I might have lost a little video camera overhears.

Yeah.

Yeah.