Ep 521 - Time Under Tension (feat. Chris Distefano)

Wow, wow, Wes.

You're going to watch the game, though, today, right?

No.

You don't even give a fuck.

You're not glued to it at all.

Not at all.

Interesting.

Are you Eagles or any sports?

I like the Eagles, too.

I don't care about sports.

My dad never watched sports growing up, so I never watched it.

Shane is a maniac with sports, right?

I love sports, yeah.

Yeah.

I've literally tried for conversation's sake to get into it, and I just, man, I don't give a fuck.

It would take hours to, like, it's so much.

And I've tried doing, like, I'll watch the clips and highlights and still. All right.
Yeah. I don't give a fuck.
It would take hours to like, it's so much. And I've tried doing like, I'll watch like the clips and highlights and still.
I don't care. Yeah.
I don't know. I guess I love sports, but I don't like like UFC or the cars.
I don't know anything about that. So like some, in some ways I'm a guy, in some ways I'm a woman.
Yeah. I'm a total woman.
I'm a total woman. Let me start it.
Oh, yeah? Beautiful. Yeah, I'm a dude.
We're in, bro. I'm an absolute total woman when it comes to sports.
Yeah, I don't know. I wish, like, because, you know, I feel like, you know, like my dad.
Oh, Krista Stefano, by the way. Sorry.
Krista Stefano. What's up, baby? I'm here.
By the way, I'm here hungover with no hair product in. So if anyone's going to talk shit about my hair, you go fuck i'm growing it out scumbags because i know what your fans are gonna say they're not gonna say anything they're not gonna talk about your hair they're gonna say they're gonna come on here your fans are gonna say how could he be so disrespectfully comes on no hair product in a zara t-shirt what kind of guy does he think he is and i just want to say you know what guys i don't give a fuck there you go i'm at the presser also thank you for coming early in the morning bro i'm here but we're dads not a lot of comics exist before noon bro we're up bro we're up we're hanging out i mean like i gotta you know i'm on new york time my kids get up at uh you know what are we an hour behind here yeah so i'm up facetiming with the kids at 6 a.m getting yelled at by them their mother so i'm i was up ready to go road face time's tough oh dude it's tough yeah cry on face time your wife's gonna go and you're like i know yeah hope you're having fun in your hotel room relaxing you just masturbated yeah i'm like oh god i know my god my daughters keep keep talking keep calling i'm like i'm almost done but you have a little window you're like oh what's going on dude? Dude, but I got to be honest with you.
It's horrible here. You can't watch porn.
It's like blocked in Texas. So I'm like, dude, yesterday I was jerking off to old sports center clubs.
They used to have some hotties back on old sports center. I've got like Linda Cohn, old Linda Cohn.
You got to get creative. You got to get creative here.
So what do you do? Like, how do you get around it? Dude, it's funny. I mean, this is just testifies to the theory that I'm mostly woman.
Just erotic literature. I'll read like erotic literature online.
I like that. Build a picture up in my head.
Yeah. Or you can bust out like the old porn sites.
Yeah. Like XN, XX.
So those aren't blocked. They're not blocked.
Yeah. That's funny that they don't, that Texas doesn't even know that those exist.
Just the main one. Yeah, just blocks just the main one.
That's like when I grew up, my parents blocked all the music channels, but not BET because they didn't know it was a thing. Right.
So I had BET. Yeah, right.
That's the only music channel I had. You could do.
Now I have a black wife, dude. Dude, the thing they were trying to prevent, they created.
And so, but wait, so did you grow up like hardcore, rules discipline type family big time like military no no no my parents at my my dad and his brothers owned a trash company but it was still it was like irish catholic super like church every sunday right can't talk back right see not heard all that stuff do you do church still with your kids no i i want to i want to go my wife grew up more like baptist sure so and i grew up in the catholic church so i'm like i told her like pick a church i'll go to whoever when you pick then i go to black church and i'm always kind of like yeah it's great it's fun but i just feel like an interloper dude when i'm there i feel like they can't go i don't know i feel like i'm kind of like a wet blanket on the party yeah they're kind of like we we accepting of you here but we actually really don't want you here that's the that's the feeling it could just be internally because they're kind of like saying like we actually come to church because of what your people did to our people so now the fact that you're here it just kind of sucks for us i and i get that feeling and i feel bad the whole time yeah and then i'm like stiff because i'm holding down like roman catholic like roman soldiers that's it dude straight yeah head stoic as like, they're having fun. And I'm like trying to move my just fucking petrified body.
And it's just uncomfortable. But I told my wife, I was like, just pick a place.
I'll go. And you'll go.
Yeah. Well, I said, I was saying like, I'm Catholic as well.
That's why we got the big triceps, dude, pushing down the gate, pushing it down. I've been like this since I'm a kid.
Do you put, do you put your butt on the kneel? Like when you kneel down, do you put your butt on the pew? No. So that was a big rule my mother had.
That was one of the most disrespectful things you could ever do in the presence of God is put your ass on that. You got to be full kneeled up, butt tight, wedgie in the khakis.
You got to be straight up. And if I ever lean back and put my butt back, my mother would point at me and yell and i would have to get up i still get nervous so i guess as an adult i'll go like for like with my family every now and again with my mom and if i see like my wife hit her ass to the pew and i was like i was like 35 like get nervous i'm like get your fucking ass off yeah you can't do it i mean listen there's rules in our church in uh in's Puerto Rican.
So they're similar.

They're more not Baptist.

It's like, I think it's,

is it the Church of Latter-day Saints?

I don't know what kind of school.

Episcopalian?

I don't know, dude.

It's one of those.

They're always talking in Spanish.

I don't know what they're saying.

I just know that their kind of church,

when you walk in there,

you literally think you're at like a Kill Tony show.

Like you're like, there's the band's playing. There's like Stub Pub tickets.
Everyone's in a wheelchair. And you're just like, what is happening? Like I almost feel like I need tickets to like get into her church.
Yeah. But what I've been trying to tell my kids is like, listen, this whole idea of like if we don't – my mom had it where if you do not go to church every Sunday or Saturday, five o'clock mass, you're going to, you're doing bad.
You're going to, you're going to hell, sinning, blah, blah, blah. So I don't do that with my kids.
I'm just like, look, we're going to make an attempt to go to church here every week. And if we can go, I'm like, I'm just trying to get us to a place where we're not on our devices.
We're not on our phones. You're not on your iPad.
That's it. Mommy's off the spin bike.
And then like, you know, we're all just let's go to church together. And I will say that when my family's in church, like they are calmer.
They are everyone like spirituality. I don't, I'm not saying whatever religion you got to be, obviously, except, you know, don't be the big one Muslim.
No, that's true be careful though if you're muslim because you can get like hyped up yeah you're the wrong sermon next thing you know obviously i'm fucking around yeah exactly dude there's no problems with being muslim at all but you can't like don't go all the way you know what i mean but you want to go a little bit you want to fucking get in there dip dip in dip out beautiful dude what a beautiful culture and a corrective measure for your wife if you want to use it to completely dom your wife. I get that.
Beautiful, dude. What a beautiful culture.
And a corrective measure for your wife.

If you want to use it to completely dom your wife, I get that. A hundred percent, dude.

Have her cover up.

40 chess, yeah.

Love it.

Yeah, because dude, these, but Muslim women, dude, when they, I don't know if, I mean,

you know, when they take that shit off, I mean, the beauty is next level, dude.

They're like, they look Latina to me.

They're Latina with hummus.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, they're hummus Latinas. And I love them.
Yeah, they're like they're they look latina to me they're latina with hummus yeah true yeah the hummus latinas and i love them yeah they're they're beautiful babes yeah dude i love babes that austin austin has got so many it's crazy what we've seen what steve steve uh my uh tour manager steve cicconi rice roni is is here in the background and him and i have been walking around and steve's a hor, horny guy. Yeah.
Steve's like a horny guy. I thought that when I met him, I was like a horny ass guy.
Steve's the kind of guy, he lives on, oh, above his mom's garage in like Long Island. Like Steve's a guy that like, he needs to fuck and he wants to jerk off and it's like, and I don't, I allow it.
I'm like, do whatever you want to do. He's, you know, his hair's blown in the wind in the back of his hat.
Like this guy needs to bang. And, and dude, and he's actually telling me that it's like hard to take for him like he's he's getting like yeah because it's so much and it gets agitating and for me as well it's like you don't know what to do what to say you're like because a woman walks by you and you're like i know i have a family but i'm willing to throw it away just have a conversation with her because in the moment i'm only alive once and this is what i need to do i'm a man yeah i need to do this this is what my father wants me to do i have to be i have to honor our family name and then you're about to go walk and talk to her and then you see another one and it just keeps happening and you don't know what to do they're not wearing bras no they're not wearing bras and the i've seen the outline of a hundred women's vaginas in this city i've been here for two days we steve and i have seen 100 pussies steve i'm sorry you're suffering like that.
Obviously, you're just chilling, just being like a rock. You're just being like Steve, dude.
Come on, man. Come on, man.
Dude, Steve's one of these guys. He's like very punctual, always on time for everything.
The last two days, dude, he's been late, sprinting out of the hotel room, hair soaking wet, and I know he was cranking it. He was having an episode? Yeah, dude.
He's been going, because this city, I mean, men and women, I mean, talk about a city like Austin, some of the most beautiful, we went to the gym yesterday and we saw five of the most beautiful women we've ever seen in our entire life. I mean, jacked, ripped, tip top shape.
And the guys like me and him were almost like falling off the elliptical, which is like, again, when the women's parts of the gym we're on the elliptical protecting our knees you got to protect the joints but these guys who were doing like the real guy shit you know ball slams and you know all that they're not even phased by this because i guess it just becomes a part of what it is in this city it's beautiful even you dude you you were walking you're like all jacked up now where When I saw you when you were living in Philly, dude, you looked like Stephen Hawking. You were like slumped up.
Dude, you were slumped up, but now you're like pumped. Beautiful babes get you pumped, man.
Dude, you've been lifting, definitely. I have been lifting a lot, yeah.
You look- I've been lifting a lot. Creatine? You doing a little creatine? A little bit.
A little bit, right? A little bit of creatine. Did you get any puffiness, or is it just pretty much jacked? I'm pretty puffy.
I'm pretty puffy, dude. I was puffy before the creatine.
No, but you look, but I could tell. I did get jacked up.
I came down here. I didn't know what to do with myself.
Whenever I get like nervous or overwhelmed, I just start like lifting weights. Where do you lift? In your house? Yeah.
No, I have an apartment I use as an office. So I go there to write and I get out of my house and I have a gym attached to the apartment.
I just go like. By the way, that's the move is even if you're in a half even you know obviously you love your wife you're a committed guy as men we do need a separate apartment you do i just need a separate apartment it maybe it's my office it sounds just a place that i just need to go and just sit in take naps but i do need a place where i need to leave this house yeah because our jobs doesn't require us to leave you could write and do it in the house it took you the the debate it to get that.
She's like, we have an office in the house. I'm like, I need to get out of here.
Every five minutes, like, the landscaper's here. And I'm like, dude, dude.
I'm like, yeah. So I did it in Philly too.
Get an apartment. It's so.
It's worth it. Everyone's gone while you're there.
Everyone's at work. So it's quiet.
And you actually get writing done. My family and my girl let me have the same thing, apartment, the only thing is she's got the baby cam that we used to use for our toddler.
She's got it in my apartment on me at all times. That's the only thing.
It does sound like a smash bag. It does, but I'm like, it's not, I swear to God, I'm just trying to write about history in there.
Exactly. I'm literally watching documentaries on General McClellan and she thinks I'm banging women.
I'm like, I swear to God, I'm literally watching like, you know, documentaries on General McClellan and she thinks I'm like banging, you know, women. I'm like, I swear to God, I'm watching fucking like Ken Burns documentaries about the civil war.
It's all I'm doing. And it's quiet.
Yeah. And you don't need, you know, it's, it's, I think people take that for granted.
Like, you know, you need some separation even now. Like I hate, I really hate being away from my kids.
I miss them so much, but when I'm away from them for a a few days i just feel like i come back and i'm just like a recharge better dad yeah i'm telling you know i'm talking to my kids about little things i learned and then because i'm like if you just sit in that situation i don't know you just start to take for granted what you have and then when i leave i'm like dude what a fucking life i have beautiful kids know, I got, I got Steve on the road getting horny.

I'm like,

what a life,

dude.

But if you just sit in your circumstances, then you,

it starts to become,

you start to normalize things.

And then you start to say,

you start to think what you have isn't that good when it's actually all

you've ever dreamed of.

Yeah,

it's true,

man.

I saw a,

I was standing outside today and I saw this like homeless lady just

chilling outside and you're just like inspecting the trash cans.

And I'm like chilling there, like just watching her. And I'm like i'm like damn dude this lady no one's giving this lady a hug in so long you go up and do it thought about it i try i said i gave her really like friendly good morning i said good morning good morning ma'am and she just kind of like that's nice looked at me and it's cool too because i never seen like she was quiet and she was like you know looking through the trash and then i like watched her get activated we're out of nowhere she was just like i started like screaming i was like i've never seen like she was so chill yeah and something happened we're like boom and it snapped and she just started yelling at somebody and just walked across the street yeah the the homeless here are are wild you know like they're on some type of crank or whatever rolling around in the streets i i've actually never seen anything like it but i will say they're not aggressive as the homeless.
Believe it or not, in Glasgow, Scotland, Glasgow, Scotland, dude, me and the guy I work with, James Maddern, shout out James Maddern. Is he a horny dude or not? He's a horny dude.
He's a horny dude. He's a horny dude.
He's got a hairy back. He's like a horny fucking hairy back guy.
Yeah, dude, but he's a horny guy and he's got a big dick. Shit.
That dude, the one thing we used to call it on my old pod history. I know that's what you're honest.
We used to call it the glue gun. This kid had a glue gun.
Like you could see it through his jeans and it was like nuts. Really? Kid's got an absolute piece.
I've heard they're lazy lovers though. Big dicked men I've heard are very lazy lovers.
You know what it is? He doesn't know who his real father is. So I think that.
Yeah, I think he's charged up. And he's raised by his by his grandparents so he's got like a lot of i think he just tries to he's basically fucking women and try to find his father yeah that's like kind of wild if you're raised by your grandparents that's it's kind of like you're like kind of wild at that point but dude we're out there and we went to this bakery in glasgow i wanted to go to this specific bakery i forgot what it called, but they had like this kind of carrot cake, like muffin.

I was like, I got to get this muffin.

And we saw this homeless lady walking around.

She was, you know, could fully see, but she had a blind stick.

So she must've like taken it from an actual homeless, actual blind person.

And she's walking around with this stick, like hitting it off the wall.

And then we're like, what?

This lady's fucking nuts.

So I'm just standing out there like eating it, whatever.

Dude, she takes the carrot cake out of my hand and smashes it in her face and then swings the stick at me i was like whoa oh my god dude me and him were sprinting down the street this episode is brought to you by call of duty calling all call of duty fans verdansk is back in call of duty war zone starting on april 3rd you'll be able to drop back into verdansk experience all chaos, and relive the thrill you've been missing. Not only will you get the classic battle royale experience we all know and love, but Verdansk is back with upgraded graphics and gameplay.
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And it was recently I had to push him off me. Cause he was like going like in my, I pushed him off me and he fell over a pile of garbage.
Yeah. And his fucking elbow landed in like a disgusting puddle and i kind of felt bad but i was like what did you want me to do yeah why was he getting in your face because he's they're crazy they're like out of control and the police can't really arrest them they can't do anything one of my all my boys are cops one of my boys i told him about the story and he goes he goes you want to take my baton with you i was like that'd be fucking crazy if i just start beating back homeless people with a licensed NYPD baton.
How'd it feel though? And he gave the fucking push. Dude, I gotta be honest with you.
The way that I, cause I have a bad Achilles, but the way I was able to just kind of load my weight on the back and push, I kind of told my therapist, I was like, I think we're out of the woods here. I think my Achilles is good.
That's all you needed. I just launched the homeless guy into oncoming traffic and I felt almost no pain in the Achilles.
Yeah, you need that, dude. I'm telling you, that's all I've been doing recently is just fantasizing about just combat.
Right. Because it's like there's nothing left for me to do.
I went to ACL with my whole family in the Austin City Limits Tour. Yeah.
It fucking sucked, by the way. I hated it.
But I was there the whole time and all I wanted to do was just fight like a 24-year-old. Right.
Just a man. Are you can you do a little fighting can you handle yourself jitsu for like a like six months when i was going through a divorce which was pretty sick right oh you this is your second second marriage yeah i didn't know that i thought was the first wife black as well yes no there you go yes back to back yeah but but this wife is the you didn't have children with the other wife so i've never met the wife.
That's the mother of your children. Okay, she's great.
So how long did the first marriage last? About like three years. Three years? And then what happened? Sure, in and out.
Just got crazy? My heart wasn't in it, yeah. Your heart wasn't in it.
My heart wasn't in it. So she wanted to stay, but you wanted to leave.
Yeah, unfortunately. See, when that happens, that's a very difficult thing for the man to go through.
Statistically, it doesn't happen a lot either, which further theory that I have a woman brain. women initiate divorce i think like 75 that's what i'm saying it's almost it's almost impossible if the woman doesn't want it then it's like you know then you got there's nothing you can do yeah but the once the woman says it's over that's it buddy there's an absolutely zero you're you can do nothing if you're a woman if your wife comes to you, know fans listening at home and she says it's over just don't even attempt don't even attempt to fuck she's by the way she's been she's moved on with another guy secretly for six months ago yeah so just know it's over please don't even try yeah or what you can do is get back start like a viral business tiktok and just do numbers and just absolutely crushher 100 dude that's all you can do what did when you told when the how did you tell the first wife like it's over it had been in conversation here and there and then eventually like it used i just wrote kind of reached like a breaking point myself yeah it was just me i just entered into a relationship like when you said you go you go uh what was her name oh actually yeah you can't say that as soon as i as soon as I said that, I was like, don't say her name.
And then I was like, yeah, so you're like. I just wasn't ready.
It was like I still wanted to do stand-up, and then it was like I was being pulled into like it was just over. Like the tomb was in front of the boulder.
Like you got to enter the corporate world or career man. Whatever.
I couldn't do it, and then I had to just go off. She goes, you must be out your goddamn mind.
Yeah, pretty much. No, they were like, her and her mother were really trying.
I tried. It was like kind of laughable.
I believe it. I became like a personal trainer at LA Fitness for three weeks.
Walked out in the middle of the session. Dude, that's what black women want.
That's what they want in their white husbands is he needs to be a trainer at Planet Fitness. Oh, LA Fitness.
Planet Fitness but yeah i just i really tried it for me i'd never ever been in a relationship before that where i put any effort or cared at all right so that was like a learning experience like oh okay like yeah i'm dealing with other human beings i'm not like this isn't like a simulation the way you and your current wife are is really beautiful and you love each other because when i was hanging out with you guys with my girl i got yelled at when we got back in the hotel because i don't treat her the way you treat your wife he was like she was like you see how nice he's but you see how in love they are you see how they have what was she going off of though i don't know just i guess she saw you guys make eye contact once yeah i wasn't even next that a lot of that too is women i've noticed that and i've asked my wife i'm like when we're standing there and they go give me a kiss when we're in a crowded place I'm like what the fuck is that yeah you're not that's not for like me or you you're doing that for something else yeah well she's doing that to Peacock because she thinks other girls are looking at you she's like so this is this is my it's my guy he's a trainer at LA famous former yeah former dude former yeah it's I always wondered about that because they do they are like comparing a lot being like like what because I that was I wasn't really affectionate towards my wife that night at all. I was doing it on purpose.
I wanted to come off like cool. I think, well no.
But even I noticed, I was like, oh, these two are in love. Yeah, yeah.
You could feel that. You could feel like this wife, this wife's going to be a forever one.
Yeah. Unless you kill her.
God forbid. Yeah, that would be, or God willing.
Yes. Or killing.
Dude, honestly, like I would rather get broken up with than initiate the breakup oh my god initiating the breakups the worst for real the worst all the guilt and the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you have to be you have to just deal with it i i really think it's like i mean it's like killing them sure you're it's like you're killing a person yeah on a level where you're just like we're never gonna see you and was she like begging you like please like don't do this type of thing it wasn't like that it was just sad dude yeah it's just so sad because i had my mind made up and there's nothing i could do yeah that's so sad you get to a point where you're just like well now i've reached the deep i'm i'm off the other side of the fucking deep end and there's no coming when you know you know that was all my for relationships for me it's like i would just try desperately just to get posted that's all i wanted to do yeah and then next thing you know it's like okay now my life's conjoined to this person and then i would just try to figure out how to get out of it the whole time yeah it's like yeah then i got married and i was like oh shit and then it became this whole thing and i got to like finally live with a woman and really like yeah see them yeah they were just kind of like you'd get a girlfriend and they would just materialize yeah you're younger and you're like, oh sweet, we're at the movies and you'd be like, let's try to get some pussy. Yeah.
And then you started like, when your life's conjoined with a woman, for me, it was such a learning experience to be like, okay, like you guys have this whole wide range of emotions and you know, that was. Dude, I was reading about, and that's all societal too.
Like one, like I was reading about, what the hell was like, was it the Aardvark? It's not the Aardvark Native Americans. Aardvark's an animal.
But it's something like that. It's something like Aardvark tribe or something like that.
But they were like an old school tribe. I think they still might be around today.
But like when they were like 1800s and their whole belief system was so opposite of what was going on at, you know, like the European settlers. They were like, you know, they thought it was crazy, men and women, to marry one person and to only raise your own children.
That was like a foreign concept to them. They're like, no, no, what we do, what the women do here, is the men fight for who's the strongest guy, and then they get to fuck the strongest woman.
And then they fuck, and that one gets pregnant, so she goes away, and then the next one steps up, and you keep fighting. and then they get to fuck the strongest woman and then they fuck and they that one gets pregnant so she goes away and then the next one steps up and you keep fighting and then they just such a good idea but and then you impregnate them right and then here's how it works are the women fighting too or they do no no the women are just there the women are just there are they gauging their strength i guess just like i guess the men are fighting and doing all types of things but then like oh i guess i mean i'm sure that it's just who's the hottest yeah yeah the guys are just like that one who's got the biggest tits that's just all it is strong tits yeah so like when you get all the way down the list you're like fuck what am i even fighting for this over this pig and so but but so but so so the guys would fight whatever and then here's the interesting thing number one you know have the baby and then that baby it's not your it's it's not your and hers baby it's you created that baby together but it's for the village and the village raises it you know like it takes a village whatever yeah yeah so that's so so there's no monogamy is not and they don't they not only do they not believe in it they think it's actually bad for society they're like why would you do that and then with like abortion and stuff like that you know it's obviously a a thing you know big debate whatever and guilt and i get why of course but this culture if they if you say you impregnated like the top lady right and then she's pregnant and she's watching you over the next few months she's like this guy's actually weak he's not as strong as i thought they had this potion spices.
They would abort the baby. Yeah, dude.
They would abort it. And it was like, it was not even shameful.
The guy was shamed on. Like, you did that, motherfucker.
Fuck, dude. Oh, so he, that's fucking.
Yeah, dude. Abortions are kind of guy's fault, too.
A hundred percent. Yeah, still to this day, it's kind of like, yo, bro.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
She'd have like lifted a log in front of her yeah sure you want to fucking do this i've been on the sidelines for a couple of them i'm like dude this is me this is me my fault my bad dude i should be stronger yeah i should have yeah if you're you saw your wife or the lady i guess just sipping the potion i'd be like oh what did do? I'm such a fucking little bitch. Yeah, I wonder if you could.
So can you enter back? Do you have to wait until the pregnancy to enter back into combat? Or can you just enter back into the ring? So that I don't know. I got to do more research because I kind of just read that point.
And then I just put the book down. I was like, I got to find this tribe.
If this tribe is still active, you should go. This is where I got to be.
You should go there. And then, you know, when you're there, be like, dude, what the fuck be like dude what the fuck i had it i mean i gotta you know i can't like other myself from the culture yeah dude just have some kid i gotta follow the lead but like what because when you start to look back in history it's like this whole idea of like no i i get why monogamy is a big i get it i really do understand but i'm like oh shit it's just like the pressure that society puts on you in our you know we got puritanical society here like you know those pilgrims were kind of you know zealots witchcraft all that shit but like you go to europe dude if you go to europe and you're in italy or spain or whatever and you just like one of you like bang another person it's like not it's like they'll be mad at you your spouse but you're not going to get like you're not going to lose your marriage you only lose your marriage if you fall in love with another person but like you can definitely go out and bang yeah that's like not a big problem that's great it's not a great thing but i don't think it's like it's like you go it's like you go in a strip club with your boys like your wife would be like what the fuck are you doing yeah same thing with banging a chick like what are you serious dude don't do that you asshole but If're in love or they find text like that's the bigger deal the emotional affair yeah if you're like i love you so much yeah i knew someone who was uh who got caught sending like beach boys lyrics to their lover over bro that'll get you doing yeah yeah yeah i was i was sending hall and oates songs to this girl.
I was like, you're out of touch.

We're out of time.

And then my girl's like, dude, you have to move out.

Yeah, they sent wouldn't it be nice lyrics.

Wouldn't it be nice?

It's like, dude, you're fried.

I know, man.

It is.

Yeah, you think about it a lot.

Especially once you like, because when I was younger, I'd always be like, you'd hear about

a guy like a pizza shop owner would just like bang a cashier.

Sure. You're like, how the fuck could somebody do that? And as you get older, you're like, the current of that river is pretty strong.
100%. You get your toe into that a little bit, dude.
I'm like, I see how you get carried off. You get it.
I got a friend who's a doctor and he's happily married. Great guy, whatever.
But he was like, dude, the amount of doctors that bang the nurses on these overnight shifts. He's like, it's literally like, it's the most stereotypical thing.
Like the nurses know this, these guys are married or whatever, but it's like, and it's always the same thing. It's the, it's the male doctor and the female nurse and they just fuck.
And he was like, I think it's because he's like, it's one of those things where like, you know, we're around so much death in the hospital that I think, you know, somebody dies, something tragic happens.

And then your body, you start to get horny because your body is like, oh, oh, I just saw death.

Let me create life type thing.

He's like, so I kind of don't even, I get it.

And doctors are, they're like a sexual fantasy for women.

Oh yeah.

There was like ER.

They're like, they're like one of the things.

There's like firefighters, doctors.

Yeah.

That's like one of the things women see and get horny for.

Dude, my.

And they're like the boss in the thing. Yeah.
Dude, my boy, the doctor, he looks like a golf club. He literally, his head is all fucked up.
He's got eyes are like that. You know, he looks sick, but every girl is like, I love him.
He's so hot. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, because he's a doctor. Dude, I feel, I've been in hospitals before.
Just like when people are sick and I'm kind of like, dude, I get, I feel the tension. I'm like, damn, this is a bunch of nasty nurses running around dude i remember my grandfather like you know passed away he had a stroke and his nurse she was like you know you know latina kind of you know she wasn't like a smoke show but she was hot enough and just because she was caring for caring for him i remember i went in there one day and they were scrubbing him down he's like shit his pants and they're scrubbing him down i was getting fucking horny while this nurse was just scrubbing down my grandfather's bare ass i was like oh shit i love this because just because i don't know what it was i was like this she's a caretaker i want her to scrub my nuts yeah there is something about that when the nurse comes in they're really sweet they are like that does get a guy like teachers just like women that care yeah you're just like oh man i want that you know but then our minds go to these fantasies and then they like you create these fantasies with like other ladies, my life will be like this, like, you're just like, oh, man, I want that.
But then our minds go to these fantasies. And then they create these fantasies with other ladies.
It's like, oh, my life will be like this. I just want a lady to cook for me wearing an Eli Manning jersey and making me pasta every weekend.
Just kind of just sucking my dick and just letting me watch the game. I'm like, can't I have that? Man, I'm only going to live once.
And my dad's like, are you stupid, asshole? Yeah, I know. Yeah, you can't do you like it's and then also too the fantasy never matches it's always as soon as you know yeah eventually it's gonna be that's just a lady like bristling just like what and you prepare for it now because my father did give me good advice he was like let me tell you something he goes i you know when you when we're out he was like you know my dad's 76 now 1776 year, dude.
By the way, every single passcode on my door, phone, any four-digit code is 1776. That's just how I roll.
I know someone who has their door code. Yeah, that's like, so if you ever want to rob anything from me, just know, go 1776.
And then if that doesn't work, it's 1812. War of 1812, baby.
Well, it's sick, too, when someone's like, yeah, what's your door code? And you're like, 1776,76 obviously yeah i i'm not a communist bro yeah yeah and every passcode is like you know baseball usa yeah hot dogs united states what is what so what was the advice your so my father he goes um he was like uh you know he's like when you you know as you get older he was like your brain doesn't change your body changes so he was like, you know, he's like, when you, you know, as you get older, he was like, your brain doesn't change. Your body changes.
So he was like, when you and I are standing in the video store, this is an old of an example. It was like, okay, we haven't done that in years.
He's like, when we stand in the video store, he goes, and you see that hot 25-year-old girl walking in? He goes, the same way your brain says, I'd love to bang that girl. I i think i got a shot so does mine he goes my brain my brain hasn't changed from the 25 year old man i used to be he goes but then i look in the mirror and i see what i've become he goes and it's really messes with you he goes so just don't don't think so his point was he was like you know right now he's like i'm 75 i have diabetes and i basically i have a dick.
My dick doesn't work at all anymore. He's like, I haven't banged your stepmother in 20 years.
I'm like, great. Yeah.
So he's like, but no, my brain has not changed at all. So you have to prepare that this struggle that you're going through, this will not stop.
Your brain doesn't get every old guy you see out there, they want to bang the young they just can't yeah so you have to just accept what it is and you're this is this is the this is like what kind of your sentences of being a man through this world you have to yeah you have to like practice not getting pussy almost in like a buddhist type of way yeah just being like it's going it's also one of those things that will fade so you do have to prepare for it i know my my guy uh uh who i work with a lot is like you know very like zen guy he was like listen dude you're gonna be away you know for a week he's like i'm telling you you try not to masturbate like just try to like channel all that energy don't matter i know you're gonna be alone it's hard i was like you know what i'm gonna do it i swear to god i'm gonna do it i walked through the airport the austin airport and i saw five pussies in lululemon pants like i saw the outline of five five full vaginas. And I jerked off at the reception desk.
I checked in and just started cranking it. The camel toe is crazy.
I was talking to my wife about it recently because she was going out in the exercise gear. She was like, did these look right? And I was just kind of like, yeah, man, you don't have to hike them up your pussy.
Pull them down a little bit. She's like, well, I even care about that i don't think about that i'm like yeah people think about that yeah that's like you i see those and it fucks me up for like four minutes i'm kind of like fuck yeah i see nipples emerging and like a pussy print or butt cheeks and the ass it's it's crazy dude and i'm telling you dude i'm not gay but the men too like their legs that they have on these guys with the tattoos on the quads i'm like i get it fellas it's crazy no i want to fucking let's let's hang out just running by a river yeah dude shirtless yeah we don't gotta like do anything gay but you want to we'll get a coffee or something yeah just talk yeah dude just talk i was asking i was asking random guys like you want to come to my pod tomorrow just shoot the shit yeah it is it really is like beautiful men and women yeah because a bunch of colleges i think there's think there's like a bazillion, like five different colleges.
There are, even though I've said and I've made it clear that I thrive in the original 13 colonies and that's where I want to be comedically in my life. I will say there's way more beautiful people as you start to come west.
The original 13 colonies were not the hottest bunch. We got some hotties.
We definitely have some hotties. Well, didn't they like send out, like the people who were like the first wave of just like prisoners and peasants, they like shipped out here against their will of Europeans.
Really? I didn't know that. Yeah.
So they would just take like prisoners from England and just like people who are fucking up and be like, yo, you're going. And then they came out here.
They promised them like, we'll get you a wife. We'll like whole new, you know, new, you know, new, new, new you.
And then they just started sending out like whores they would like arrest women for prostitution and throw them out and send them out here and be like these are your wives and half of them will like die you just get like a skeletor yeah off the boat just disgusting and the dudes were pissed they're like don't give us fucking whores we want like we want you know mom and apple pie yeah so yeah it was just like criminals and they just like had people till the land and just die yeah like two Like two generations. Dude, I read this book too.
You ever read, it was called Island in the Center of the World. It was about New York City because, you know, before the British when it was like just the Dutch, this author, Russell Shorto.
Great. It's like an amazing read because we only know, like even me in school, I've only really learned about like what British society was like.
But dude, Dutch society in New York, new, well, they called it new Amsterdam, Dutch society. They were like in the 1600s.
They were as woke as we are now, dude. They had fucking no, no slaves.
Everybody was out there fucking everybody. They were having parties, dancing in the streets, like a beautiful type of culture.
And then the British came in and were like, you know, rules shit got puritanical yeah quick and kind of like lost the fun but the whole idea but that but this idea of like america like originally was supposed was this amsterdam idea of like this is the place like they wanted new york to be like amsterdam like smoke weed prostitutes everywhere yeah just chill dude and they wanted that to spread across the country but instead yeah i got the british idea that british law and order new york was too valuable all right on the sea right yeah it's like so you just you know dude tonight you just look at your wife and say why don't we why don't we be amsterdam tonight instead of dude let me get freaky yeah well here's the thing i go into what your dad said it there is something too like you have to it's by default it's like i'm going to build up this program of like seeking pleasure it's like i'm gonna put i'm gonna get like i'm gonna get pussy i'm gonna do this this is gonna be awesome like your dad's saying that fades physically sure you have to build a bank of like non-bodily pleasure yeah and if you just fucking if you just fuck your way through life you just destroy everything and you're left just like dickless dickless at the end dickless and alone we're all dickless we're all going to be dickless you got to build up like a yeah dickless safety plan where you start to like enjoy like walks yeah people in your life oh yeah dude my just sucks doing that because you just want to come really hard oh that's all i want to do yeah yeah yeah my my i i take like you know especially with kids you know now i 14 9 and 3 but like you know so 3 is like crazy right yeah she's the cutest but it's like a legitimate like lunatic terrorist person but but so but so what i do now my dad gave me this advice he was like you life isn't for you now it's going to be about little breaks you're not going to get an hour-long break most likely like that's just not going to happen what you got to do is five seconds he says when you you know your three-year-old you know your daughter like she doesn't want to get in the car so you got a fucking jammer in there and like basically like i'm putting in like jujitsu moves just to get the safety belt on the three-point harness and so so i do and he was like and then you shut that door don't just run around and go right into the driver's seat take a nice 10 second walk around the car you have 10 seconds alone take a breath take five breaths and then get in the car and drive. Like little resets.

And dude, that's like the game changer where I just take these little – because the bottom line is like there's times where like I can't meditate.

I can't just sit there 20 minutes in the sauna meditating because I'm just going to jerk off.

I'm just going to break it and just start jerking off.

So instead what I do is I say, you know what?

Let me try to take an hour a day, if I can, an hour a day, just off my device. Just like go for a walk, just do something.
And like, that's what I'm counting as meditation. Because to just sit there for 20 minutes with my eyes closed, I literally will just start jerking off and I can't do it.
And then it defeats the purpose. Or at least this way without, because I'm reading all these studies now where it's like, we're constantly excited from the phone to the screen, to this, to that, to the kids, to the life.
But like older people, like they had long bouts of like no stimulation, like get bored. It's like, like go get bored somewhere.
Yeah. And that's kind of how I think about it.
Apparently, so your brain, so there's a thing called EEG habituation. So like, you know, if like a naked lady walked in here, our brain waves are big.
but if it happened every 10 seconds or literally your brain habituates to that stimuli so then you're just like it's nothing to you anymore so that they say meditators have like long-term meditators do have um it's almost like childlike eeg habituation where they can see a tree and it's like that like like a kid looking at it like whoa right but if you're just kind of just like jamming shit in your face all the time yeah nothing will excite you do you meditate i try i used to be really good at doing it and like really like good about doing it and then yeah i just completely i would always be like i don't give out people say they can't like sit down and just meditate now i've hit a place where i can't do it again i don't know what happened but i sit down and i start to freak out i'm like i gotta do this well are your kids trying to it again. Are they in school now, your kids? Yeah, the one is a four-year-old's in pre-K and the two-year-old is like, she goes like two days a week.
So I'm saying you have a couple of days a week where like you and your wife like don't have the kids for six hours. We have a babysitter come to her.
Oh, so you got some time. Yeah.
That's good. I have time to work, but then I have to just get so much stuff done.
Yeah, yeah. But I've been trying to...
The walk is good for me too. If I do a nice long walk, it's like, I think that just counts.
It does. It definitely does.
But it's like one of those things. It's like, you just feel gay as a guy going for a walk.
You know, like just, I kind of always just feel gay too. Like when I'm pushing my kid in a stroller, I'm like, dude, just let me hold you.
I know. Let me hold you like a football.
Cause I just feel gay. I feel gay just like going for a walk.
It's gay. And I wish it wasn't.
I wish I felt like more. And by the way, I'm not even disparaging gay.
I think being gay is powerful. But I guess I kind of just feel like more feminine.
I feel like you're appropriating gay culture by taking walks. Yes, exactly.
Yeah, exactly. But I'm okay with that.
I want the gays. I like taking walks.
And you don't feel like less of a guy. No, not walking.
Walking, you feel almost like a holy man. You feel very, like, and blissful.
Okay. Every great man would take a constitutional.
That's true. So it's like, it's poor for the course.
Keeping a journal. All the things you think are gay, keeping a journal, not gay.
Every great man kept a journal. And you take a constitutional.
Dude, even if you go back to the founding fathers, dude, you think throwing on a pair of pantyhose is gay? Look at our founding fathers. Dude, were they all cross-dressers? Go look at old pictures of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.
They're in literally high-heeled shoes and pantyhose with wigs on. What? I'm like, these guys are my dream.
They have those thigh things. Yeah, dude.
Those were men, dude. They would put wigs on and pantyhose and high-heeled shoes.
And they'd be like, that's what we're going to do, bro. We're going to take gonna take over this goddamn country so for me i look back at our fathers and i'm like dude if they're doing it yeah let's get wrong you know yeah taking walks definitely isn't gay it's a shame that we've been made to believe it's gay yeah because they just want you on the device yeah that's what but then it's like i do like to listen to music while i walk because i've tried to just be like no music no nothing and it's kind of like yeah sometimes we kind of like really reconnect like i think sometimes for me to like, I want to ride a horse, you know, like just get on a horse and just fucking go down a path.
That'd be nice. That'd be sick.
That'd be nice. Yeah.
Hold your baby too. I feel you on the baby stroller.
Cause there is the part where it's like, you feel like women see it and they're like, Oh, that's so sweet. But then it's like anything they like is gay.
Yes. I was like, I want to just like hold them by their foot.
Like a dead chicken. Yeah.
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It's tricky, dude. It's very tricky.
A lot of, I see here more so, I think like young women might be just like feeding the life force from like homeless people and like dads here. A lot of dads here right present as gay sure like and i think something happened where i think people of like men especially have reached like i feel like educated kind of men have reached inside themselves and killed this switch where they just become like well dude weird dude it's like dude come on man especially us as like you know like comedians like our our world is a little like you know the older school men are like what do you do like they don't care how much money you're making or not making like what are you doing dude go build something yeah go like work go to a factory yeah and i i feel like because you know i'm not like a guy at all like i said i don't know my i don't know how to build or do anything so there's a lot of times like my kids will like walk out the door of school and i'll i just will lift up the hood of my car and even know what i'm looking at just so they can somewhat my daughters and i'm just like you know have a good day girls and i'm but i'm just i'm kind of just like doing the macarena building memories yeah i'm just i'm just rolling my arms i'm going like that i don't even i have no idea but but like anytime like i see like but i even i even though it's weird because like it's my it's actually you know our careers to kind of have this time and to create whatever but like when i go into a coffee shop at like 11 a.m on a tuesday and i see a guy there on his laptop i'm like the fuck are you doing dude go to work yeah but meanwhile i'm there to ride in my laptop yeah i'm mad at him yeah get out of here dude i'm like dude like you're you're so lame go go to you gotta go to fucking work this episode is brought to you by.
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That's why I like Chinese dudes. That's why I talk about it on stage a lot.
It's like, you know, with play dates, with kids. My daughter has a, there's a Chinese kid in her class and I love, I hang out with him and his family because first of all, I've never met his.
Every parent is like available for a play date at 2 p.m yeah the chinese are not those they're working mom and dad work yeah and the grandparents watch the kids that's just how the culture is they're like you're not there's no work from home in china there's no hybrid work they're like no you're gonna go to work we fucking they lock their people in their houses with covid they don't give a fuck they have now they have after school stuff for the kids because the parents work so long. My brother was telling me this.
A lot of the Indian and Chinese guys are out working. Families, mom and dad, work super long hours.
So after they go to school, they got to go to an after school program where they continue to learn about science and shit. And the parents come up back at probably 6, 7 p.m.
Dude, this is what happened with the Nazis. They were just fucking...
They just came out. School, school, school.
School world school building shit blitzkrieg came out 1930s and just steamrolled motherfuckers and that's what's gonna happen with china they're the ones working everyone else is like having fun having sex getting stds yep and not not the chinese dude yeah i i we still will crush them i think so i think we'll just stabilize we can stabilize them i pretty easily. Yeah.
Because there's that whole middle coastal. There's the middle portion that are poor and peasants and the coastal elites.
Their whole history is that middle portion coming in, fucking people up, becoming the coastal elites, and they just kind of go back. That's what it is.
You know, it's a Chinese culture? Chinese history? Not a lot. I've read about it, but it's still a mysterious land as far as I know.
Oh, yeah, dude. The Great Wall.
Full of mysteries. Yeah.
I can't even understand it when they tell me about it, how they just built a wall throughout the whole country. I'm like, why? It's so dumb.
They'll just climb it. You're like, shoot missiles over it.
Look at my chair just fell down. Look at this.
Do you see this? My chair just fell down. The Chinese fucking remote controlling my chair controlling my chair hold on yeah i think we're like currently destabilizing russia and once we get done destabilizing russia we'll probably turn our sights on china and that's the only other really like threat powerful threat right yeah i mean i guess i guess yeah that seems like yeah because iran who cares north korea doesn't matter problem i've read there's a good book called The Next 100 Years by George Friedman.
I forget the guy's name, but he laid it out. He wrote it in the early 2000s, and he was laying out the Russia-Ukraine thing.
He was making predictions. Before 2030, they have to go to war.
They have to fight each other. Russia has to take back Ukraine, blah, blah, blah.
Really? Yeah. What was his reasoning why they have to take back Ukraine? Because like, they just need like a buffer.
Like you can enter, you can just be right into Russia from like in all those other points because of those like NATO countries. Sure.
So you can just march right in. Ukraine, you can just kind of like, that's their one weak spot through Ukraine.
Because the other parts are kind of like hard to get into. Right.
But that like, if you leave whatever that big city is, Kiev, you can be in like one of the big cities so do you think russia can be is going to beat ukraine like i don't think so you think ukraine is just like a porcupine like they're just i think well in the book he was like it's not even about winning wars the united states just needs to destabilize any other power you don't have to win the war you just have to fuck their economy up so bad that like it throws them off but it's gonna that'll destabilize them for 20 30 years right yeah like we're not gonna be able to go to moscow as american citizens probably ever in our life no probably not and well the problem is too russia is going through the population decline that was a big thing in the book like this is their last time we'll have all these young men right it's gonna be a huge population dip right so if we can kind of like fuck them up now by 2050 they're not gonna have like enough so we're in the driver's seat big time yeah like we're according to this guy you know i believe i say china's going to take over but he was like not not going to happen he's he's like he believes that russia and china will collapse and then 2030 will be like the 2030s onward it'll be you know it's kind of been right he was like the 2020s are going to be so tumultuous like very bad but then But then like after that, there's going to be a presidency around like 2030, 2034. And they're really going to like figure it out.
Unite us all. And have a new era of peace.
Because his thing is that. God, I hope I'm still selling tickets then.
I know. That'd be awesome.
What was it, 2030? I'm fucking 40 now. It's 20.
Oh, dude, I'm going to be, I'm going to suck. I'm going to be like in my 50s.
Imagine how fun that I'll be being 50 and you see like that's true 25 year olds and you're like shut the fuck up yeah my dumb kids like shut your mouth yeah oh god i hope that happens yeah because it does i do feel i do feel like sometimes somber like i'm like man like i i romanticize like the late 90s and early 2000s like you know obviously 9 11 was bad but like i don't know if you remember like 2007 2008 was awesome it was in college yeah it was amazing times yeah everybody was having fun and now i'm just like everywhere i look i'm like it doesn't seem like people are as happy as they were as certainly not as free as they were yeah and i'm just like i'm that's hopeful what the next hundred years i'm gonna get that book it's pretty good it's really cool they uh and the big thing too they say like these are just cycles like every 50 year there's like a 50 year cycle where like someone passes like a huge like seminal policy like you know i don't i can't remember one but say like roosevelt did that whole thing whatever whatever his big policy was carry a big stick yeah whatever he did but that'll solve a bunch of problems from the previous 50 years. But then 50 years later, that policy will cause problems

that it takes 50 years to figure out and solve,

which then will solve those problems,

air of peace, and that

policy creates new problems. It's just a never-ending

cycle. It's a never-ending cycle.

And if you guys want any chance to stop

the cycle, do the right thing this November.

Yeah, true. Where are you at in November?

Come to comedy on state in Madison,

Wisconsin.

No, I know. Yeah, I

I don't know people are obviously all bent out of shape about who's going to be the president i'm like i don't know that it matters as much as you genuinely think yes i think it matters just for like political unrest on people crying whichever whoever wins but i don't know has you have you ever really genuinely felt a genuine difference whoever the president is no i've never felt it except for covid when you got locked in and there are people being like let people out versus let people in that was the only time i've ever been like but then you didn't have to do it that was the other thing i told people like you didn't have to do it yeah yeah at least not in america i mean dude remember like they were like oh you're gonna need like a no, I don't think you are. No, I had a fake one.
Sure. It was easy.
Dude, there was a pizzeria in my neighborhood on Third Avenue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. That was like literally, I swear, like the people that knew knew if you ordered, I think it was two pepperoni slices and garlic knots come in six.
If you're like, oh, can I get two pepperoni slices and half an order of garlic knots? And you kind of just just like gave a look they knew that that meant give that to you and then you would give them a hundred dollar bill and they would have a fake vaccine card in the you know to go bag for you awesome it was like a whole like it was like a like a system they had that's people getting fake vaxxed all day yeah that's awesome yeah bro yeah my wife made them in our basement yeah it's great but do you ever think like do you the government cares anymore? You think they're still looking for those people or they're just, they can't anymore? Dude, they didn't give a fuck then. That really was a, I think that was just like a huge effort from the pharma companies who had people paid in Washington.
Yeah. Because that was like, they can do a thing where they're like, and again, for some people who wanted it, like, get it.
I don't care. Like, fucking two-year-olds didn't need it.
That was the one thing where like pediatrician was like well you don't have to do it i totally respect that but there's a higher chance that your kid might die and i was like okay man no there's not get the fuck out of it yeah but that that to me was the part that i was like this is ridiculous yeah give it to the geezers if it works for them cool yeah but like dude i don't need this i'm like yeah i don't fuck i don't take tylenol for headaches so i'm like i'm not taking that oh you just power through you're that guy guy. I don't like a lot of medicines and shit.
They freak me out, like pills, all that stuff. Interesting.
So what if you get really sick? You just ride that fucker out? If I'm super duper sick, then I'll kind of yield and take a little something. But even then, yeah, what I would do, if I get a fever, I'll take a really hot bath and I spike my fever.
Old school. The fever is your immune reaction.
It's good reaction it's good dude i like that you go oh you put leeches on just suck your blood out you go old school that was a treatment for cancer they were giving no no fevers they were giving they were spiking fevers and it kills like cancer cells like it fevers are good for you of course you can't get too high because you can have a seizure yeah so if you can keep that thing at like 102 103 getting a hot bath i just burn it out dude you're right you get right to that that's you edging yourself but if it gets yourself a fever right right to the point of seizure but if you ever try to jerk off in a hot bath no impossible why it's just the hot water fucks with your nuts oh you because you know what it is probably because when you get hot water it's called vasoconstriction is what's going to make your dick go up vasodilation when they open up everything blood pressure goes down that must go down i can't come in the bathtub do you think it'd be a glorious session but it's like you just can't do it can't do it yeah i know i that's i've actually never so the way that i jerk off i don't jerk off kind of uh like most people like this i actually lay my dick i kind of sandwich between my stomach and my hands. You're a pressure player.
Yeah, exactly. I kind of just push the base of my dick and top of my balls to just kind of shoot it out.
So I can't ever jerk off standing up regardless. I'm always laying down.
I kind of make a little pussy for myself. Yeah, that's what it is.
It's kind of nice. It's kind of nice, dude, because I don't know why when I was a little kid, like the first time I ever like jerked it or like, you know, masturbated or felt that I just was rubbing.
I was like basically like rubbing a pillow on my dick and balls. And then I think I just stayed that way.
That's how you do it. Like I've never, I've almost, I could, I don't think I've ever went like that.
You never cranked it? I've never cranked it, dude. That's awesome.
Yeah. That's pretty sick.
I just don't do it. I do it a different way.
And I bet you that has implications on me mentally. And like, I'm just like a different guy because of it.
I think you're better off though. Yeah.
Cause that is, there is something gay about like gripping your member and like, yeah, you know, you're just, you're just I'm doing, I'm different. And I'm just built.
I just, that's the way I roll. And then I shoot into my belly button and you know, it's kind of just like, whatever, dude.
Have you ever got caught? Ever got walked in on? I got walked in on. My mom caught me once.
That was bad. I never forget.
She was walking in from the local pizzeria, and she had brought me like mozzarella sticks and a chicken bacon ranch slice. And she had it like on like she used to.
Dude, until I moved down to my mom's house in my mid-20s. And when I was literally like 24 years old, she would bring me food on a New York Yankees like dinner tray.
That's awesome, dude. Like she would just give it to me.
It had like this setup where I would just like lay on my bed, and it was like a little table. and she had that New York Yankees like dinner tray like she would just give it to him like it had like this setup where I would just like lay on my bed and it was like a little table and she had that New York Yankees baseball tray with the food on and I was just rubbing it and you're in there and so and she literally she was like I like she like went like this and she was like just slammed my door and she was like your food's outside the door in the hallway so i had to get it like a fucking inmate just like you know and then dude one time she found one of my vhs porn tapes it was bad like we used to pass around a vhs porn tape and she found it i just left it so i used to put it in i had this documentary about the original usa dream team so i would and i was such a like a little loser kid i was like 12 years old and I wrote on the cover of it I said I want to documentary about the original USA Dream Team.
So I was such a little loser kid.

I was like 12 years old.

And I wrote on the cover of it, I said, I want to go to the NBA.

Like a loser, like in Sharpie.

You're good at basketball though, right?

Yeah, Division III.

That's good.

But yeah, I guess.

And so I had put the tape in that Dream Team thing.

Because I was like, my mom never looks in that.

And then my mom, for whatever reason, was cleaning my room one day when i was like at school or it was the weekend i don't remember and she popped that fucking tape and thinking she was going to be a documentary on the dream team probably red you probably saw your like quote was inspired his goals i want to get my son a basketball hoop there's a lady like oh yeah and it was just this colombian lady with a full bush just getting piped, screaming shit in Spanish. And so I got home that day because, like, it was a big deal.
Like, you know, we didn't have cell phones back then. Like, we would – when me and my boys were at the park, it was like, who's got – we called it the Spanish porn.
Like, who's got the Spanish porn? We had the Spanish Fly. It was called Spanish Fly 14.
It circulated all around. It circulated.
And, like, somebody would bring it. And then it was, like, a big deal.
It's like, okay, you get it for a week then frankie gets it and it's like what it is and so when i came home one day i was you know wasn't even thinking about it came home and then it was literally she had smashed it into like 20 pieces with a hammer and she wrote she had my mom loved post-its and she had a post-it on it and she wrote get this filth yep out of my house yeah and i was like oh shit yeah and then so i had to tell the guys i was like my mom smashed that fucking point i just brought it back in like a pile just proof yeah and they were just furious at me they were just furious at me they were like shooting paintballs at me all summer well my so my brothers would go to like the adult section of blockbuster and steal the porn tapes it was like a serious effort to get Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah porn tapes.
Yeah, if you got smashed, you'd be like, bro, what the fuck? I know. And now- We're risking life and we're risking freedom to fucking get these things.
Do you have boys or girls? Girls. I have two girls.
Two girls. Okay, I was going to say, I'm actually happy if you had a boy or for the boys that are living in Texas.
I'm actually happy that the porn is blocked because then they're going to go find adventurous ways just like we had to kind of get porn any way they can so i kind of actually respect what the governor is doing here to block the porn he's doing it so the kids can have more fun and be more adventurous and yeah if you want to get kids if you want to get kids creative which is a big problem we have block the porn i think so big deal dude kids don't go in the woods anymore no but they will they're looking for they have no porn to watch dude that's where we found it. I think it's funny.
I think John Mayer did stand up once and his bit was that porn, every kid finds porn in the woods originally. Yeah.
It was pretty funny. Pretty funny.
That was true. That was like, that's where we found porn.
We had to go to the woods and you would just find it and be like, fuck yeah. Yeah.
Porn, you'd find like, you know, people would go have sex in the woods. I find a condom.
Sure. First time I found a condom in the woods, I went home and just beat off.
That's it. I just saw you use a condom and I was like, I gotta jerk off.
It's crazy. Someone fucked here.
I was like, I gotta go jerk off. You gotta jerk off.
I know. God, I know the littlest things.
And now it's like, now it's like the thought of using a condom is like, what am I fucking, dude? Crazy. Do you have sex with a condom? It's like, you're having sex with the condom inside the girl.
It's like, just go raw, go home. Like, you're gonna do it, just do it.
If you're scared, don't do it. Yeah, my whole thing is like, you know what, man? Like, you want to go and fucking make a horrible decision and go, you know, cheat on your wife? Don't be a pussy about it.
Yeah. Go in, come back with another kid, a disease, like really get fucking in there.
Yeah. Show your kids that you can overcome anything.
And also, if you're going to go cheat on your wife and wear a condom, it's like, just jerk off, dude. Yes, exactly.
Don't have cond something where it's like it's got to be cream pie waitress fully dude like and just sit there for like eight months and be like yeah how am i gonna break this yeah like every like you have to go through the full spectrum of suffering yeah 100 man and then once the kid i feel like you almost want there to be a kid as a result of the affair that way it kind of softens because then it then it's like, yeah, what are we going to do? Don't fucking punish this kid. It's what it is.
And it's also like, here's the thing. I forgot if it was Giannis or Joe DeRosa.
Somebody said something to me was like, you know, you, you go out, you have unprotected sex with a girl, you do the crime, you do the time. What's going to happen now is you got, you got your sentence is two to 25 days in two to 25 days.
A disease will pop up or a baby will pop up. So like, or a girl will pop up being crazy so you do your sense and if you can get through a month if you can get through a lunar month yeah with no issues that's what they revolve around that's what they say so you do the crime you do the time you're not going to get out of this scot-free yeah you did the crime so now now it's time to do the time you gotta do the time and so that's how we'd kind of just We'd calm DeRosa down.
Like he was like, all right, I'm doing my time. And then he would text us like, all right, I'm out.
I'm free, baby. That's what you got to do, man.
Yeah. It's fun being a guy.
It is. It is.
I would not want people to think, oh, easier being a woman. No, sir.
Dude, it's fucking so much, man. Great being a guy.
I've literally, so me and my wife have aura rings. aura rings they like track your biometrics oh great and i i can't stop talking about this because it's like a revelation so we won't we both went to sleep one night at like like 9 30 p.m great night of sleep i woke up my readiness score is like 89 yeah got me a little crown above it i'm like thanks hell yeah my wife slept the same time her readiness score was 50 whoa this is the period injured the period.
Interesting. Like, their body temperature's elevated.
Like, they're fucked up, man. So she woke up not in a good mood then.
She's not ready. Terrible mood.
Right. It's like, my 50% is if I'm out, like, drinking all night and I'm hungover.
Right. She did all the right stuff.
Went to bed or all that stuff. Ate right.
She could cut back on a couple things. But no, dude, she did everything right.
And was and then i woke up in the morning 50 i was like your period fucks you up this much she's like yes that's what it is their heart rate's elevated and their body it's like they have a fucking fever i was gonna say every every month your wife has to take tylen i'm sure she feels up she's got to pop a tylenol they're like crackheads with time they take everything you have to because it's yeah true imagine every single month you're just sick like you fucked yeah like fuck fuck dude and it's like so that's and then there's like the time leading up to it you're cramping yeah and you're just like fucked dude you're psychologically gone yeah there's like 10 days out of the month i try to break it down to her i'm like one third of the month yeah you're fucked that's why like when you see like what caitlin clark can do you're like that lady's doing all that on her period most of the time yeah like she's absolutely crushing everyone yep not feeling at all with a 40 readiness are you talking about her playing basketball or fighting black ladies uh both yeah both i think but it's just like she just puts it on everyone yeah you know like guys don't have to do that like it's impressive what steph curry does but he's never had to do it bleeding from his dick. True.
I didn't think about that. Playing with your period.
Yeah, they all have to. That would be nice.
If I was a betting man, I would try to get the inside scoop on who was on their period. Yeah.
Or just playing. Some of them playing not even knowing they're pregnant yet and just dealing with morning sickness and just fucking cum in them.
And they're just killing it. you think that and the team probably syncs up so like some teams are i think if you win the championship everyone sinks to your period dude so one day they do so one i i believe that that's what they're playing for that's what they're playing for so i i remember once i was on a flight from indian from i think i was going from new york to indapolis on like, you know, I was like, it was like a shitty fucking, like American airlines,

like small shitty plane. And the New York Liberty got on the plane with me.

I guess they were playing maybe the Indiana fever or, or what?

I don't know.

Yeah.

And they, and the, all the, all the women got on the plane and they sat in the back

of the plane.

And the head coach at the time was Bill Lambeer.

I don't know if you know Bill Lambeer.

He was like old coach of the Detroit, old player on the Detroit Pistons.

And he was just sitting in first class like,

Thank you. got on the plane and they sat in the back of the plane and the head coach at the time was Bill Lambeer I don't know if you know Bill Lambeer he was like old coach of the Detroit old player on the Detroit Pistons like and he was just sitting in first class like laid the fuck out and the girl the women were like you could hear like some of the women being like mad in the back like I'm sitting in the fucking back coach it's up in the front but he was just laid out chilling legs out and I and I that got me thinking like he probably has to deal with like these women syncing up on their period and maybe that was one of those days where he was like i'm getting the fuck away from these ladies for two hours and i'm just sitting in the front of the plane and not dealing not dealing with an eye mask on yeah yeah dude i would just be i would be having them run suicides they can't get that period energy i'd be like on the line get out run it out it's so do it i mean i well now we're both gonna have the family we have daughters we're all you know way outnumbered it's like you know none of my my kids are still too young but when that happens yeah it's gonna get fucking bad oh it's crazy it's good i had a maintenance guy come up to like my my office apartment and he was like i was like he's like looking around like where's your bed and i was explaining i'm like this is what i use it for he has two daughters and his daughters are like teenagers yeah and he goes bro like for real like you might want to stay here he was like when they always like when the wife and the two daughters sync up and they start he's like bro for real like get out of your house it gets bad it's like you're just you're not just get out of dude last week you know my daughter's only nine like last week like we were having like a regular day and i said um and i said to her uh i was like okay i was like she was like oh can i uh can i have um a snack and i was like i was like oh like mom's gonna cook dinner so like we'll eat in like an hour which i've said to her a million times and she goes oh i guess i'm fat then and then walks up the stairs and slams her door and her mom was like she might be on her period it might be starting let me go up there and talk to her and then she talked to her and i don't think i don't think it happened because they wouldn't yeah the thing is like what you could tell me that my daughter's on her period it's like what can i actually do nothing so like if you just tell me to go to the store and get it like there's no

really there's no real reason the mother has to tell the father that their daughter's on their

period because it's like okay yeah so what am i gonna do for that do i'm gonna go on the road

yeah just leave but you can't talk you can't be like hey how's your period yeah yeah that's all that's just,

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I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like becoming like a young woman where i'm like oh shit like i gotta be careful what i say now i gotta be like careful careful you know and she just kind of get she gets on me she's like why don't you ever hold mom's hand and i'm like oh my what the fuck that's yeah yeah so it's gonna happen we got in an argument one time and my uh my i have a two-year-old and a four-year-old and like i like i was like i went outside and sat on my steps i was like and they came outside like neighbors outside they both came out were outside. They both came out and they're like, be nice to mommy, dad.
I'm like, we two shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get the fuck in here. Yeah, I know because...
My daughters don't like it. If I grab my wife and I'll give her a big kiss, my four-year-old's like, dad, stop.
She does not like it. Okay.
She doesn't like the affection. Yeah, she's like, come on, man.
Knock it off. Yeah.
I don't know. It's really weird.
I mean, every kid's different. Maybe when they get older a little bit, come on.
That is funny. Like hold her hand.
All right. That's enough.
Yeah. She's, I know.
I mean, you know, and dude, the drama you're going to see, like, you know, my, my, again, mine's in fourth grade now, the older one, like the, the, the girl drama with school. I mean, she's been to two different schools and she's had two mortal enemies that sound like the exact same girl in you know 20 miles away i'm like okay so it's you it's my kid that is the problem just fucking causing beef with everyone but then it's like the girl drama so it's like well you know like my daughter told me you know like oh this girl you know she's doing this to me she's doing that to me blah blah blah blah and you know like what should i do and i'm like well you know of course honey like you know like just you know obviously tell the teacher and you know don't get physical whatever and then her mom's advice is like she hits you you hit her back yeah you slap her you pull her fucking hair do not let that bitch dominate this territory kind of i'm like these girls are in fourth grade yeah but that's how women are.
Women are like, I took it as there was a problem.

I'm like, okay, all good.

It'll be fine.

You'll work it out in the school year or whatever.

And already, my girl had already messaged the school and that kid's mom.

We're having a meeting.

Knock it the fuck off.

Right.

And now my kid's mom and this girl's mom are like fucking, dude, at pickup, it's bad. and I'm like

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Like you fuck with me, you fuck with the whole family. Where guys, I'm kind of more like, dude, we could get into a fist fight and I do your podcast tomorrow.
I don't care. We'll just get over it.
But women, it's like, that's it. The battlefield is so much more complex.
It's like, for real, we do like caveman warfare. They do like modern warfare of like psyops 100 like destabilized friend groups and it gets like really dark like they'll like throw a party just so they can throw take pictures of it and put them out and then not invite one person and the whole thing's just to fuck this one one girl up yeah and they can do it and it's it's just devastating man just devastating i know i like, I feel like, you know, it's interesting being around so many, like, women in my life.

Because I'm just like, man, like, you really, if they really, if this country elected more women, I think we would actually be a more, I don't think we even understand how vicious America can be.

Because we haven't had a woman yet.

Oh, it's insane, dude.

Yeah.

I mean, Hillary Clinton kind of got the job done.

Oh, yeah.

She's in there doing some stuff.

She didn't give a fuck.

But yeah, it would be, they're so much more vicious.

It's just... even understand how vicious America can be because we haven't had a woman dude yeah if you've read I mean Hillary Clinton kind of got the job done oh yeah she's in there doing some stuff but yeah it would be there so much more vicious it's like unbelievable yeah I and it's it's scary it's terrifying I think Abraham Lincoln said like what was it like I forgot the exact term but it was like hell has no something he was basically uh uh like a woman scorned or whatever woman scorned is like no you know like that is like basically like basically hell, whatever.
And I'm like, even he knew, and he was gay. Yeah, well, that's a problem with women leaders is you'd have to have like a strong team for that like 10 to 12 day period out of the month where they're completely fucked up.
Yes. And I don't know why we can't face that as a reality.
It's like you're powerful as hell. Let's just use that as your incubating period.
Like, chill. Yeah.
I just feel i just feel bad like why are we acting like this doesn't exist yeah it's not a slight on them it's like dude i would be fucked up too of course dude oh even the trauma of childbirth dude my my girl raw dog two childbirths just fucking pushed those fuckers out and then got up and walked that's crazy like a couple of hours later she was walking with no pussy it just fell out she was just with just an ice pack on it being like all right what are we gonna eat what do you guys want you want eggs yeah the childbirth childbirth is a gear you see them in that you're just kind of like what the fuck yes it's crazy they do have they i think just through nature they have a more the highest threshold of pain i mean way a man could ever have. Because I mean, think about that once, if that happened to you once in your life and you had to do that, I mean, you would die.
We would all die. Dude, talking about your butthole getting this big.
That's insane. That would be fucking crazy.
Even worse if it came out through your penis. That would be sick.
Just a finger through your penis. Oh, fuck.
Yeah, man. So when I see like a, when I saw like like the two childbirths it was like one of those things where i was like okay the the there are like they're they're more powerful they're stronger they i know physically they're not but like mentally is the thing and it's like i can't even compete at all i cannot compete when my girl starts asking me questions i'm fucked i tell the truth i'm i'm a truth teller i'm like right away you can't lie yeah i used to i used to try to lie and then the anxiety and pain i would sit with yeah where i was like might as well just tell the truth now because she actually already knows yeah and they're gonna figure it out you can't lie if you think you can't like women they could get away with it so easy but like if you try to lie to a woman it's like it's they're going to find out yeah i can just look at you and be like you motherfucker yeah they can tell you piece of shit and they're good like dude they'll like i didn't realize like even on instagram like they'll kind of look at your who's liking what of your things looking at their profile i don't even know how to do that on her like i have no idea even access that information on instagram and she'll that's a good point she'll know like followers who like something from weeks and weeks ago and then has their whole profile locked and loaded yeah and it's like oh did you know stephanie go to your show i'm like what who is that they're like oh well she has an interest in austin texas i've seen from her interests on you know what on her linkedin that i've tracked so hypothetically it makes sense if she came to your show yeah i'm like i don't even know who she's talking about you see the person like damn she's smoke yeah fuck dude she's this girl's awesome she's i saw her pussy in the gym thank you for bringing her to my attention i know well that's the other problem it's like that that's how they go overboard it's like you'll bring up all these girls that i genuinely i genuinely have no idea who they're talking about and then she'll be like how about you know did was this girl at your show and then she'll send a screenshot i'm like no but then I'll have fucking Steve be like, can you DM this one and give her tickets? Chirk off this picture.
Yeah, Steve, here you go, dude. Yeah, I mean, you know, I just...
It is complicated. It's the most complicated time.
And like, dude, you know, in our dad's time, it was like, there might've been like two hot ladies you knew of. That's it.
And you'd be like, damn, that lady's fucking hot. Well, we also have access to every woman on the planet i mean don't get you know don't forget 100 200 years ago you only knew the people in your village yeah so if you had you know hopefully you got the smoke show in your village if you didn't you settled for like the one like it kind of looked like her but you had like a limp for real imagine there's no babes from like birth to death that's a reality people lived in for you never saw a babe zero babes unless you had babes in your village.
Dude, a babe in a village was probably crazy. Do you know I read a thing that I read and I read

a thing i forgot it wasn't in a book it might it was like an article where sex like how we've kind of like made sex like a sacred taboo thing like in the medieval times like that was sex was because it was so animalistic like you would just watch your parents have sex and think of it as like, you know, your dad's doing pushups or something. Like it was just a thing that mom and dad did.
They had sex full bushes. And then you would have sex, you would have sex like in front of your wife's family.
Like it wasn't a thing that was taboo at all. I mean, to consummate Kings and Queens marriages, they would have sex in the bed and the, the wedding party would stand around the bed and just watch this girl get fucked.
That's awesome. Dude, and there's so many fascinating things in history.
I read this thing. There's this book called Fuckin' History.
This guy wrote it. He calls himself the Captain.
He's a great author. Kyle Creek is his real name, but he's Kyle the Captain Creek.
Dude, he wrote this book, Fuckin' History. It's like one page things where he talks about like something from history, but then kind of gives like a modern on it it's a fascinating i would read like a page a day i love this guy and so i read this book about uh read one of these pages about france like maybe you know 1600 maybe 1500s france had this thing called you you know obviously you can't divorce you could divorce was like unheard of guys would just kill their wives so but this one town in france they have like They're like you know what let's do divorce court they're like if this lady you really want a divorce lady okay so they would say the only way we'll ever grant you a divorce is if your husband can't procreate if he can't get it up and he can't fuck you basically then we're you're good so what they would do is you would file for divorce and then you would have to go to divorce court and at divorce court you would come out you and your husband would come out and there'd be a row of judges and like noble elites and you'd you'd have to basically bang your wife and if you couldn't come in an allotted time they grant her a divorce that's what i imagine if you jerked off that morning and you're just like fuck i don't know it was today yeah or you're just oh damn yeah and then you're just gonna get divorced but here's but the caveat was you could divorce your wife but then like once she was like once she was like not your property anymore you could just kill her with no repercussions yeah you could just murder her like out in the field could you fake a cream pie though in court be like oh no they do they have to be like let's see no they're 100 they had people would check to see if that shit's dripping out and you could be like no i swear i did she's got a deep pussy yeah i let it fly dude come back in nine months i promise yeah i know all that bush to get through oh dude it's like a stern judge just scowling at you.

Just with his wig on, just looking.

You're trying to fuck your mean wife.

Yeah.

Who wants to leave you?

Who wants to leave?

Yeah.

So it's like, it's crazy how, you know, the world used to be, man.

Yeah.

That's out of fucking control.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They had to make it sacred because it's just so important though, because then having sex

leads to creating life.

And if life's created willy nilly, then like no one's taking care of the kids. It just become like fucked up situation and at that point it's like dude you need to have kids because i need people on the farm i need people in the army we're trying to take over holland and whatever other country dude you know we got to do shit so like we need you to start pumping out those babies and i kind of get how like back in the day if you know a woman couldn't you know produce a baby they're like well she's a witch let's burn her.
Get her out of here. We don't want any of this.
We don't want the other women. Yeah, they were a huge drain on the economy.
Oh, yeah, big time. Because you didn't work.
So it's like, if you couldn't produce a kid, there were people who would be like, Jesus Christ. Do you ever read that thing about the Salem witch trials where scientists have went back and think that it was because of a weed that was growing? Yes.
You ever see that? That's nuts. It's like ergot.
It was like a mold. I think ergot is what we make LSD from, but it's like a mold that was in there and it fucked up the whole town.
The whole town, it fucked the witches up. I get scared about that.
I think about that. I'm like, dude, that could happen.
That would be terrifying. Because why couldn't that happen today? I mean, and you just wouldn't know about it.
Yeah, you've got a little. Dude, we might, we probably start tripping every now and again off like food supply stuff.
Oh, 100%. I mean, yeah, have you ever like i got really into like intermittent fasting which i got to start yeah i kind of got to lean back off now because i posted a video of me the other day trying to promote my shows in texas and all you fuckers told me i had small calves and i looked and they kept telling me that i skipped leg day and i'm too skinny i have a big head fuck you dude it's like it's like you're damned if you i'm trying to get healthy here and like you're still shitting on me i bulked i i like started lifting and eating a lot and then someone hit me with the comment like when the bulk becomes a hulk and i like i was real like i got like a real pot belly like i got fat still right now but can you look it's gone leaner now i did a two-day fast i got rid of it i got crushed i was like bulking bulking and then i just i was like oh damn it i'm fat so i had to like bulk it i i got up to like 196 and that's like a what are you now i'm like 186 now.
Oh, 10 pounds makes a difference. Yeah, big difference.
Dude, you got the back. Do you do a lot of back? Yeah.
I do a lot of lifting, a lot of back, all that stuff. So you lift heavy when you lift? Not too crazy.
I don't lift heavy, but I just kind of focus on the exact muscle group. So I don't want to hurt myself.
Right. But it's all time under tension.
The weight doesn't matter that we were talking about that yesterday you rather have joe de rosa was we were in his apartment yesterday and he goes uh he goes yeah i go to the i i don't go to the gym i just work out here i was like okay what do you do he goes uh three times a week i do 40 push-ups 40 curls and 40 squats i was like like like sets of 40 he goes no i just do four i do i do three four sets of 10. I was like, are you an old lady? He's working out like a guy from like 1942.
He said, he told me, he goes, I have no desire to have an A plus body. I'm happy with a C minus body.
I just don't want it to be a D or an F. So that's what he does.
That's what he does. But we were telling him like, dude, you only have 20 pound dumbbellpound dumbbells.
I was like, if you just change that to forget about the number and you just did one minute, like, slow curls, time under tension, you'd be a fucking monster. But he's like, I don't want to do it.
I'm like, if you took – you take 45 minutes to do this bullshit, but if you took 15 minutes and just did the time under tension, you'd have a better workout in the last time. Yeah.
I know people who do that thing they always have those weights with like filled with sand yeah i'm like what are you doing no but that's yesterday we went to the gym and i was just doing like six seconds down yeah hold it for two and then explode up and i was doing that fucking that's all you need to do yeah you don't need i don't need to do heavy weights i end up hurting myself no no time range attention that's the move yep what the hell was it? We were talking about something before that, though. Oh, yeah.
The witch trial and them hitting, like, eating the bread that fucked them all up. Eating the bread that fucked them up.
But then there was something else. Damn it.
And then we started talking about the gym. Yeah, fucking in front of the judge.
Fucking in front of the judge. But there was something I think we were going to talk about with the witch trials that I thought.
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't remember. I don't remember.
Yeah, you were saying we can kill women. If a woman divorces, you can kill her.
Right, kill her. Witch trials.
We just got in to get in the pump. We got two enthusiasts.
I know. Did you work out yet today? No.
I took two days off, so I had a stomach virus and then like, it just crushed my appetite, obviously. And then I, the day after, I didn't eat for two straight days.
Zero. Were you puking or shitting? I didn't puke or shit, but it felt like I had a puke.
Okay. So it i held it in i hate throwing up dude i will not i will go like so i just laid there like supremely nauseous right like a day then fasted the whole next day so i did like a 48 hour fast and then like but i know you're supposed to like you know break it in softly i just fucking like pig don't like fucking like potatoes i know with like queso i just i shouldn't have done it and And my stomach was fucked up from that for like two days of course dude so i lost like 10 fucking you haven't eaten in like a week really i haven't had a lot of food in like about a week but now you're gonna fuck shit up today though today i'm gonna fuck shit up actually no i have to do i have to do several podcasts today but right tomorrow dude actually gotta fly tomorrow dude thursday afternoon i'm gonna absolutely fuck shit up where you going this weekend? Cleveland.
No, yeah, I'm going to Hilarities Cleveland. I love Hilarities.
You've been there before, right? No, never been. First time.
Oh, this is your first time on the road going through everything, pretty much. Like headlining on your own.
Pretty much. This is the first.
I started like last year. Yeah.
Because I did a whole stretch of shows, and then I did that one special. So this is like, I'm still, there's still a lot of clubs that are new to me so yeah hilarities is awesome i heard it's really good dude you talk about eating you want to some of the best comedy club food in the country dude brick oven pizzas they bring out the yeah the owner's great is sam nick that the food that they bring out old school greek guy that they fucking bring out whatever you want dude it's amazing and that it's got like the beautiful comedy club it's like you know balcony and then they got like a like a cabaret room in the back that that's one of those clubs like whatever you want they'll they'll get up i'm excited yeah they're good good people and then you are you stay at the hotel you stay at you're probably staying at the you're staying at the hotel that the comedy club gives you i think so dude it's like an indoor it's like the first indoor arcade like what they used to call like a mall i think in america so like you, it's one of those hotels where like you open up like your door, but you're like inside, like on this elevated, like you can like look down in like an indoor courtyard.
It's a sick hotel. That's awesome.
But it's crazy. When you go to Cleveland, you'll see like the block where the comedy club is and where your hotel is, is there's three blocks.
I think it's called East 4th Street. That is all of Cleveland.
Yeah. And then everywhere else is like, there's nothing happening at all.
It's just crack everywhere. But that block where you are, that's all you got to do.
I was in Indianapolis. I stayed across the street from the Pacers Arena.
Yep. Fever Arena as well.
Yeah, true. And then it was just that little square.
And the rest of it, I was like, man. Indianapolis is one, like, you know, I love any American city, but that's one of those ones where i'm like you know what guys like i i don't know dude i've been here a couple of times every time it kind of just feels worse and worse for me and and i just i don't know man like if it comes up on the schedule i'm like i'll do it but it's got to be quick it's got to be quick yeah you got to just get me in there get me and if the show's at seven get me on a 6.
We'll land. We'll do it.
We'll get out. I got to do it like a fucking bombing run.
Yeah, it is. It does have a kind of a depressing vibe.
Yeah. Those are used to like a booming metropolitan area.
Like, yeah, just the food options and stuff. That's kind of, you know, I don't want to snob on people's town, but it's like.
No. Yeah.
But I will because I am a snob about that kind of stuff. But yeah, you get there and you're like, dude, this is your Uber Eats? Yeah.
Come on, bro. Yeah.
Someone opened one fucking restaurant. Dude, Steve Ciccone Rice-Roni last night Ubered Eats something.
What was the place called? Jew Burger? Oh, yeah. Jew Boy Burgers.
And then Jew Boy Burgers. They dropped the burgers off in the wrong elevator shaft.
So this kid had to get fucking Wendy's. What? Where did that Jew boy leave the burgers?

The Jews fuck you on your burgers?

Dude, they were Palestinian.

The Jews control the burgers in Austin.

You can say that for sure.

So you've had Jew boy burgers?

I haven't had it yet.

But you've heard of it?

Yeah, I'm waiting for the whole stuff to settle down in the Middle East.

I've heard of it.

I haven't had it yet.

Dude, but that's crazy. What a crazy name.
I guess the owner's Jewish. I mean, that'd be funny if it's.
I've heard of it. I haven't had it yet.
Dude, but that's what a crazy name.

I guess the owner's Jewish.

I mean, that'd be funny if it's a Palestinian guy that owns it.

Yeah, it's got to be.

It's got to be a Jew boy.

Jew boy burgers.

Yeah.

I've heard they're good.

Unless they're hitting you with that kosher shit.

Because you can't have cheese, right?

Yeah, I do think you can.

I went to a kosher burger place one time.

I didn't know what kosher was.

And I was like, yeah, fire me up a burger.

He's like, yeah, we can't do cheese. And I was kind of like, bro, this is what people are talking about.
Dude, I know. Dude, well, like a lot of, like growing up in New York and like Brooklyn area, it's like, you know, we have the Hasidic Jewish population.
Like most people like don't even know like what that, like there's a wild population. Like they're their own kind of group.
They don't let anybody in or out. They're kind of like the Amish, but like just Jewish people like running around like

there's parts of Brooklyn, like huge parts of

Brooklyn that like, none of

us, if you're not Hasidic Jew, you've

never seen it and you can't go in. It's like

kind of wild. Like you didn't grow up around any Hasidic Jews

in Philly. No way.
No, we got

them everywhere, dude. Yeah, we didn't really have, I grew

up in the suburbs of Philadelphia and I for real didn't know

Jewish people existed until I was in college.

Like I didn't, people were like, oh, the Jews and I was like yeah what are you talking about yeah like jewish people and i'm like what what do you say what does that mean i thought there was in the bible i didn't know like when i saw and i was like oh shit okay yeah and it's kind of funny like the you know kind of subtle racism that like the old school people would have like i remember grandpa like you know i remember like we would like always like go like on the bqe brooklyn queens expressway we would always like go you know like this one route where he would like take side streets and then get on the highway and get off and i remember one time i asked him i was like why do you why don't we just like stay on the highway he's like i mean so why do we get off those side streets and he was like oh because if i stayed on the highway then it makes you get off and then you got to go through the hasidic jewish neighborhood and we don't to do that. So I was just like, what? Okay.
He was like, just didn't want to see it. He was like, yeah, I'm not driving through that.
That's their neighborhood. And I'm like, do you not? Yeah.
Like I kind of almost felt like, you know, like, do you hate them? Are you scared of them? Like, what is it? But it is. People just didn't fuck with each other when they first came here.
It was very much like, that's your people. These are my people.
Well, that's how they live. And with and with the acidic jewish population it's not that it's not that we're racist again they don't want us involved so they hate us like they they do not want you even around them it kind of crushes their vibe right because if you're like you know if you're not wearing the clothes i would feel kind of dumb i don't know i know well they look exactly the way they dress is how they dressed 100 years ago it's like the same that's kind that's kind of dope like you could just drop in like you know 200 years from now we're gonna look like fucking idiots yeah but but like it'd be cool if like we dropped in 200 years later we kind of have the same shit going on yeah froze like jeans and a t-shirt just be like this is what we're doing this is what it is dude now on yeah i'm still just sitting here balling out to fucking daryl and oats well dude i don't want to hold you up man all right up, man.
Thank you. Oh, it's 1045 already? 1043, yeah.
How long did we do? An hour, 22. Look at that.
We're ripping, bro. I'm looking at the hair.
Dude, the hair looks clean. It looks great, man.
Dude, your fans are going to shit on me. They're not going to shit on me.
Dude, I'll fucking fist fight any one of these fans to talk shit about my hair. Come to any of my shows.
Check my schedule schedule christycomedy.com and fucking say it to my face and

fight me at the meet and greet that's what I'm talking about

thanks for doing this bro thank you bro

you're the man thank you