Ep 521 - Time Under Tension (feat. Chris Distefano)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes

Speaker 1 today. You're gonna watch the game, though, today, right? Like, no, you don't even give a fuck.
You're not like glued to it at all.

Speaker 2 Not at all.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Are you Eagles or any sports?

Speaker 2 I don't care about sports. My dad never watched sports growing up, so I never

Speaker 1 watched it. Shane is a maniac with sports, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I try.

Speaker 2 I've literally tried for like conversation's sake to like get into it. I just man, I don't give a fuck.
All right, it would take hours to like right. It's so much.

Speaker 2 And I've tried doing like, I'll watch like the clips and highlights and still,

Speaker 1 yeah, I don't care. Yeah, I don't know I guess I I love

Speaker 1 I love sports but I don't like um like the UFC or the cars I don't know anything about that so like some some in some ways I'm a guy in some ways I'm a woman yeah I'm a total woman I'm a total woman

Speaker 2 let me start it oh yeah beautiful yeah I'm a dude

Speaker 1 I'm an absolute total woman when it comes to sports yeah I don't know I wish like because you know I feel like you know like my Christian Stephano by the way sorry Chris Stephano what's up baby I'm here by the way I'm here with hungover with no hair product in.

Speaker 1 So if anyone's going to talk shit about my hair, you go, fuck yourself. I'm growing it out, scumbags, because I know what your fans are going to say.
They're going to be going to say anything.

Speaker 2 They're not going to talk about your hair.

Speaker 1 They're going to come on here. Your fans are going to say, how could he be so disrespectful? He comes on no hair product

Speaker 1 in a Zara t-shirt. What kind of guy does he think he is? And I just want to say, you know what, guys, I don't give a fuck.
There you go. Set the president.

Speaker 2 Also, thank you for coming early in the morning.

Speaker 1 Bro, I'm here, but we're dad.

Speaker 2 Not a lot of comics exist before noon.

Speaker 1 Bro, we're up, bro. We're up.
We're hanging out. I mean,

Speaker 1 I got it. You know, I'm on New York time.
My kids get up at, you know, what are we, an hour behind here? Yeah. So I'm up FaceTiming with the kids at 6 a.m.
getting yelled at by them, their mother. So

Speaker 1 I was up ready to go. The road FaceTime is tough.

Speaker 2 Oh, bro.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's tough.

Speaker 2 You cry on FaceTime. Your wife's like, I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 And you're like, I know. Yeah, I hope you're having fun in your hotel room, relaxing.

Speaker 2 You just masturbated.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm like, oh, God. I know.

Speaker 1 My daughters

Speaker 1 i keep calling i'm like i'm almost done

Speaker 1 you have a little window you're like hey what's going on dude it's but it's i gotta be honest with you it's horrible here there's you can't watch porn it's like blocked in texas so i'm like i don't i dude yesterday i was uh jerking off to old sports center clubs they used to have some hotties

Speaker 1 on old sports center i've got like linda coh old linda cones you gotta get creative yeah you gotta get creative here yeah so what do you do like how do you get around it dude it's funny i mean this is just testifies to the theory that i'm mostly woman, just erotic literature.

Speaker 2 I'll read like erotic literature online. I like that.
Build the picture up in my head. Or you can bust out the old porn sites.
Yeah. Like XN, XX.
So those aren't blocked.

Speaker 1 They're not blocked yet. That's funny that they don't, the Texas doesn't even know this does exist.

Speaker 2 Just the main one. Yeah.
It just blocks just the main one. It was like when I grew up, my parents blocked all the music channels, but not BET because they didn't know it was a thing.

Speaker 1 Right. So I had BET.
Yeah, right. So the only music channel that you could do.

Speaker 1 Now I have a black wife, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude, the thing they were trying to prevent, they created and

Speaker 2 so but wait so did you grow up like hardcore like rules discipline type family big time like military no no my parents had my my dad and his brothers owned a trash company but it was still it was like irish catholic super like church every sunday right can't talk back right seen not heard all that stuff do you do church still with your kids no i i want to i want to go my wife grew up more like baptist sure so and i grew up in the catholic church so i'm like, I told her, like, pick a church, I'll go to everyone you pick.

Speaker 2 Then I go to black church, and I'm always kind of like, yeah, it's great, it's fun, but I just feel like an interloper, dude, when I'm there, I feel like they can't go.

Speaker 2 I don't know, I feel like I'm kind of like a wet blanket on the party, yeah.

Speaker 1 They're kind of like, we are accepting of you here, but we actually really don't want you here.

Speaker 1 That's the that's the feeling, it could just be internally because they're kind of like saying, like, we actually come to church because of what your people did to our people.

Speaker 1 So, now the fact that you're here, it just kind of sucks for us.

Speaker 2 And I get that feeling, and I feel bad the whole time, yeah. And then I'm like stiff because I'm holding down like Roman Catholic, like Roman soldiers.
That's it, dude.

Speaker 2 Straight, head, stoic as hell, and like they're having fun. I'm like trying to move my just fucking petrified body.

Speaker 1 And it's just uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 But I told my wife, I was like, just pick a place, I'll go.

Speaker 1 And you'll go. Yeah, well, I always say, like, I'm Catholic as well.
That's why we got the big triceps, dude, pushing down the gate, pushing it down. And I've been like this since I'm a kid.

Speaker 2 Do you put your butt on the kneeler? Like, when you kneel down, do you put your butt on the pew? No.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 that was a big rule my mother had. That was one of the most disrespectful things you could ever do in the presence of God is put your ass on that.

Speaker 1 You got to be full kneeled up, butt tight, wedgy in the khakis. You got to be straight up.

Speaker 1 And if I ever leaned back and put my butt back, my mother would point at me and yell, and I would have to get up.

Speaker 2 I still get nervous. So as an adult, I'll go like for like with my family every now and then with like my mom.

Speaker 2 And if I see like my wife hit her ass in the pew and I was like, I was like 35, like, dude, get the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what are you doing? I get nervous. I'm like, get your fucking ass off.
Yeah, you can't do it. I mean, listen, there's rules in our church in Rome.

Speaker 1 My family's Puerto Rican, so they're similar. They're more

Speaker 1 not Baptist. It's like, I think it's, is it the Church of Latter-day Saints? I don't know what kind of school.
It's an Episcopalian. I don't know.
It's one of those. They're always talking in Spanish.

Speaker 1 I don't know what they're saying. I just know that their kind of church, when you walk in there, you literally think you're at like a Kill Tony show.

Speaker 1 Like you're like, there's people, the band's playing. There's like stuff hub tickets.
Everyone's in a wheelchair. And you're just like, what is happening? Like, I almost feel like

Speaker 1 I need tickets to like get into her church. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, but, but, but we've, what I've been trying to tell my kids is like, listen, this whole idea of like, if we don't, my mom had it where if you do not go to church every Sunday or Saturday, five o'clock Mass, you're going to, you're doing bad.

Speaker 1 You're going to, you're going to hell, sinning, blah, blah, blah. So I don't.
do that with my kids. I'm just like, look, we're going to make an attempt to go to church here every week.

Speaker 1 And if we can go, I'm like, I'm I'm just trying to get us to a place where we're not on our devices. We're not on our phones.
You're not on your iPad. That's it.
Mommy's off the spin bike.

Speaker 1 And then like, you know, we'll all, we're all just, let's go to church together. And I will say that when my family's in church, like they are calmer.

Speaker 1 They are everyone, like spirituality, I don't, I'm not saying whatever religion you got to be, obviously, except, you know, don't be the big one, Muslim.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 you know, that's true. Be careful, though, if you're Muslims.
You can get like hyped up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're the wrong service.
Next thing you know, dude, obviously, I'm fucking playing. Yeah, exactly.
Dude, there's no problems with being Muslim at all, but you can't, like, don't go all the way.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But you want to go a little bit. You want to fucking get in there, dip in, dip out.
Beautiful, dude. What a beautiful culture.

Speaker 2 And a corrective measure for your wife. If you want to use it to completely dom your wife, I get that.

Speaker 1 100%, dude. Have her cover up.

Speaker 2 40 chests, yeah. Love it.

Speaker 1 Because, dude, these, these, but Muslim women, dude, when they, I don't know if, I mean, you know, when they take those, that shit off, I mean, the beauty is next level, too.

Speaker 1 They're like, they're, they look Latina to me. They're Latina with hummus.
Yeah, true. Yeah, they're hummus true.
The hummus, Latinas.

Speaker 2 And I love them. Yeah, they're, they're beautiful babes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. I love babes.

Speaker 1 Austin. Austin has got so many.
It's crazy. What we've seen, what Steve, Steve, my tour manager, Steve Ciccone Riceroni, it's here in the background.
And him and I have been walking around.

Speaker 1 And Steve's a horny, horny guy. Yeah, I bet.
Steve's like a horny guy. I thought that when I met him on the show,

Speaker 1 Steve's the kind of guy he lives lives above his mom's garage in like Long Island. Like Steve's a guy that like he needs to fuck and he wants to jerk off and it's like and I don't I allow it.

Speaker 1 I'm like do whatever you want to do. He's, you know, his hair is blown in the wind in the back of his hat.
Like this guy needs to bang.

Speaker 1 And dude, and he's actually telling me that it's like hard to take for him. Like he's, he's getting like, because it's so much and it gets agitating.

Speaker 1 And for me as well, it's like, you don't know what to do, what to say. You're like, because a woman walks by you and you're like, I know I have a family, but I'm willing to throw it away.

Speaker 1 Just have a conversation with her. Because in the moment, I'm only alive once and this is what I need to do.
I'm a man. I need to do this.
This is what my father wants me to do.

Speaker 1 I have to be, I have to honor our family name. And then you're about to go walk and talk to her.
And then you see another one and it just keeps happening and you don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 They're not wearing bras.

Speaker 1 No, they're not wearing bras. And I've seen the outline of a hundred women's vaginas in this city.
I've been here for two days.

Speaker 1 Steve and I have seen 100 pussies.

Speaker 2 Steve, I'm sorry you're suffering like that. Josie, you're just chilling, just being like a rock.
You're being like Steve's, dude. Come on, man.

Speaker 1 Come on, man. Dude, Steve, Steve's one of these guys.
He's like very punctual, always on time for everything.

Speaker 1 The last two days, dude, he's been late, sprinting out of the hotel room, hair soaking wet, and I know he was cranking it.

Speaker 1 He was having an episode. Yeah, dude.
He's been going because this city, I mean, men and women. I mean, talk about a city like Austin.

Speaker 1 Some of the most beautiful, we went to the gym yesterday and we saw

Speaker 1 five of the most beautiful women we've ever seen in our entire life. I mean, jacked, ripped, tip-top shape.

Speaker 1 And the guys, like me and him, were almost like falling off the elliptical, which is like, again, we go to the women's parts of the gym. We're on the elliptical protecting our knees.

Speaker 1 You got to protect the joints and you're going to be able to get yourself.

Speaker 1 But these guys who are doing like the real guy shit, you know, ball slams and, you know, all that, they are not even phased by this because I guess it just becomes a part of what it is in this city.

Speaker 1 It's beautiful. Even you, dude, you were walking.
You're like all jacked up now. Where when I saw you when you were living in Philly, dude, you look like Stephen Hawkman.
You were like,

Speaker 2 slumped up.

Speaker 1 Dude, you were slumped up, but now you're like beautiful.

Speaker 2 Pump babes get you pumped, man.

Speaker 1 Dude, you've been lifting, definitely. Definitely been lifting a lot.
Yeah, you look good. I've been lifting a lot.
Creatine?

Speaker 2 You doing a little creatine? A little bit. Yeah.
A little bit, right?

Speaker 1 A little bit of creatine. Did you get any, like, do you get any puffiness or is it just pretty much jacked?

Speaker 2 I'm pretty puffy. I'm a pretty puffy dude.

Speaker 1 I was puffy before the creatine. No, but you look, but I could tell by.

Speaker 2 I did get jacked up. I came down here.
I didn't know what to do with myself. Whenever I get like nervous or overwhelmed, I just start lifting weights.

Speaker 1 Where do you lift? In your house?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I have an apartment I use as an office. So I go there to write and get out out of my house and I have a gym attached to the apartment.

Speaker 1 I just go like, by the way, that's the move is even if you're in a half, even, you know, obviously you love your wife, you're a committed guy. As men, we do need a separate apartment.
You do?

Speaker 1 I just need a separate apartment. Maybe it's my office.
It's sad. Maybe it's just a place that I just need to go and just sit in, take naps.

Speaker 1 But I do need a place where I need to leave this house because our jobs doesn't require us to leave. You could write and do it in the house.

Speaker 2 It took you the debate it took to get that. She's like, we have an office in the house.
I'm like, I need to get out of here. Every five minutes, like, the landscaper's here.
And I'm like, dude, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm like, yeah.
So

Speaker 2 I did it in Philly, too.

Speaker 1 Get an apartment. It's so good.

Speaker 2 It's worth the, everyone's gone while you're there.

Speaker 1 Everyone's at work, so it's quiet. And you actually get writing done.
My family and my girl let me have the same thing, apartment.

Speaker 1 The only thing is she's got the baby cam that we used to use for our toddler. She's got it in my apartment on me at all times.
That's the only thing.

Speaker 2 It does sound like a smash bag.

Speaker 1 It does, but I'm like, it's not. I swear to God, I'm just trying to write.
I'm just trying to write about history in there. Exactly.

Speaker 1 I'm literally watching like, you know, documentaries on General McClellan, and she thinks I'm like banging, you know, women.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I swear to God, I'm watching fucking like Ken Burns documentaries about the Civil War.

Speaker 2 That's all I'm doing. It's quiet, and it's quiet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you don't need, you know, it's, it's, I think people take that for granted. Like, you know, you need some separation.
Even now, like, I hate, I really hate being away from my kids.

Speaker 1 I miss them so much. But when I'm away from them for a few days, I just feel like I come back and I'm just like a recharged, better dad.

Speaker 1 I'm telling, you know, I'm talking to my kids about little things I learned and that, because I'm like, if you just sit in that situation, I don't know, you just start to take for granted what you have.

Speaker 1 And then when I leave, I'm like, dude, what a fucking life I have. I have beautiful kids or whatever, you know, I got Steve on the road getting horny.

Speaker 1 I'm like, what a life, dude. But if you just sit in your circumstances, then you, it starts to become, you start to normalize things.

Speaker 1 And then you start to say, you start to think what you have isn't that good when it's actually all you've ever dreamed of.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's true, man.

Speaker 2 I saw, I was standing outside today and I saw this like homeless lady just chilling outside near she was like inspecting the trash cans and i'm like chilling there like just watching her and i'm like damn dude this lady no one's giving this lady a hug for so long you go up and do it thought about it i tried i said i gave her a really like friendly good morning i said good morning good morning man and she just kind of like that's nice looked at me and it was cool too because i never seen like she was quiet and she was like you know looking through the trash And then I like watched her get activated where out of nowhere she was just like

Speaker 2 and started like screaming. I was like, I've never seen like, she was so chill.
Yeah. And something happened where it was like, boom, and it snapped.

Speaker 2 And she just started yelling at somebody and just walked across the street.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the, the, the homeless here are, are wild, you know, like they're on some type of crank or whatever, rolling around in the streets.

Speaker 1 I've actually never seen anything like it, but I will say they're not as aggressive as the homeless.

Speaker 1 And believe it or not, in Glasgow, Scotland, Glasgow, Scotland, dude, me and the guy I work with, James Madder. Shout out James Madder.
Is he 22 or no? He's a horny dude. He's a horny dude.

Speaker 1 He's a horny dude. He's got a hairy back.
He's like a horny, fucking hairy back guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. But he's a horny guy and he's got big dick.
Shit. That dude,

Speaker 1 we used to call it on my old pod history, I know, but Yanis used to call it the glue gun. This kid had a glue gun.
Like you could see it through his jeans, and it was like nuts. Really?

Speaker 1 Kids got absolute peace.

Speaker 2 I've heard they're lazy lovers, though. Big dick men, I've heard are very lazy lovers.

Speaker 1 You know what it is? He doesn't know who his real father is.

Speaker 1 He's charged up. Yeah, I think he's charged up.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he's raised by his grandparents. So he's got like a lot of, I think he just tries to, he's basically fucking women to try to find his father.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 2 That's like kind of wild. If you're raised by your grandparents, it's kind of like you're like kind of wild at that point.

Speaker 1 But dude, we're out there and we went to this bakery in Glasgow. I wanted to go to this specific baker.
I forgot what it was called, but they had like this kind of carrot cake, like muffin.

Speaker 1 I was like, I got to get this muffin. And we saw this homeless lady walking around.
She was, you know, could fully see, but she had a blind stick.

Speaker 1 So she must have like taken it from an actual homeless, actual blind person. And she's walking around with this stick, like hitting it off the wall.
And then we're like, what?

Speaker 1 This lady's fucking nuts. So I'm just standing out there, like eating it, whatever.
Dude, she takes the carrot cake out of my hand and smashes it in her face and then swings the stick at me.

Speaker 1 I was like, whoa.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, dude. Me and him were sprinting down the street.

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Speaker 1 i was saying ladies nuts so i so when i saw that i was like yo when people ask me where's the craziest homeless people i'm like believe it or not dude it's glasgow scotland i've never seen anything like that that's such a wild assault just crushing it into your own face.

Speaker 1 And then swung this walking stick at me that she didn't even need.

Speaker 1 And then she screamed something in like Gaelic or whatever Scottish, you know, Highland language, fairy language they're speaking at somebody else. And like nobody even kind of moved.

Speaker 1 And everyone was kind of like, oh, yeah, that's just, you know, crazy Susan.

Speaker 2 You should have kept it, grabbed the staff.

Speaker 1 I know, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's it. I guess I would have been scared of that situation.

Speaker 1 Dude, I saw the only time I've ever seen. So what I will say about New York, though, because people, you know, shit on New York.
Oh, it's not safe anymore. And they're right.

Speaker 1 I lived in New York. I've lived there my whole life.
I never once, not one time in my 39 years of living did I ever get even approached by a homeless person or a crazy.

Speaker 2 You're very subdued, yeah.

Speaker 1 It didn't happen. But the last six, dude, in the last six months walking down McDougal Street, you know, like West Village, whatever.

Speaker 1 I've been, I've had three homeless people that I have to physically. One guy, and I never had to do, I had to do this one time in my life, and it was recently.

Speaker 1 I had to push him off me because he was like going like in my, I pushed him off me and he fell over a pile of garbage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and his fucking elbow landed in like a disgusting puddle. And I kind of felt bad, but I was like, what did you want me to do here?

Speaker 2 Yeah, why was he getting in your face?

Speaker 1 Because he's, they're crazy. They're like out of control and the police can't really arrest them.
They can't do anything. One of my boys,

Speaker 1 all my boys are cops. One of my boys, I told him about the story and he goes, he goes, you want to take my baton with you? I was like, that'd be fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 If I just start beating back homeless people with a licensed NYPD baton.

Speaker 2 How'd it feel though when he gave the fucking push?

Speaker 1 Dude, I got to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 The way that I, because I I have a bad Achilles, but the way I was able to just kind of load my weight on the back and push, I kind of told my therapist, I'm like, I think we're out of the woods here.

Speaker 1 I think my Achilles is good. That's all you needed.
I just launched a homeless guy into oncoming traffic, and I felt almost no pain in the Achilles. Yeah, you need that, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, that's all I, all I've been doing recently is just fantasizing about just combat.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 Because it's like, there's nothing left for me to do. I went to ACL with my whole family, the Austin City Limits tour.
Yeah. And it fucking sucked, by the way.
I hated it.

Speaker 2 But I was there the whole time and all I wanted to do was just fight like a 24-year-old.

Speaker 1 Right. Just a man.
Are you into the UFC? Like, can you do a little fighting? Can you handle yourself?

Speaker 2 I was like, I was like, I was like, Jitsu for like a, like six months when I was going through a divorce, which was pretty sick.

Speaker 1 Right. Oh, you, this is your second one?

Speaker 2 It's my second marriage, yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't know that. I thought, was the first wife black as well? Yes.
Nah, there you go. Yes.
Back to back. Yeah, but I, but, but this wife is the mother.
You didn't have children with the other wife.

Speaker 1 So I've never met the other. Your current wife.
That's the mother of your children. Okay, she's great.
Yeah. Yeah.
So how long did the first marriage last? About like three years. Three years.

Speaker 1 And then what happened?

Speaker 2 Short, in and out. Just got crazy.
My heart wasn't in in it, yeah.

Speaker 1 Your heart wasn't in it,

Speaker 1 so she wanted to stay, but you wanted to leave. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 See, when that happens on the man, that's a very difficult thing for the man to go through because when the woman statistically doesn't happen a lot either, which further theory that I have a woman brain, most women initiate divorce, I think, like 75%.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. It's almost, it's almost impossible.
If the woman doesn't want it, then it's like, you know, then you got, there's nothing you can do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But once the woman says it's over, that's it, buddy. There's absolutely zero,

Speaker 1 you can do nothing. If you're a woman, if your wife comes to you, you know, fans listening at home, and she says it's over, just don't even attempt, don't even attempt to fuck.

Speaker 1 She's, by the way, she's been, she's moved on with another guy secretly for six months ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So just know it's over. Please don't even try.

Speaker 2 Yeah, or what you can do is get back, start like a viral business TikTok and just do numbers and just absolutely crush her.

Speaker 1 100%, dude. That's all I can do.
What did when you told, when the, how did you tell the first wife like it's over?

Speaker 2 It had been in conversation here and there, and then eventually, like,

Speaker 2 I just kind of reached like a breaking point myself. Yeah.
It was just me. I just entered into a relationship.

Speaker 1 Like, when you, you said, you go, you go, what was her name? I actually can't say her name. Yeah, you can't say that.

Speaker 1 As soon as I, as soon as I said that, I was like, don't say your name.

Speaker 1 And then I was like,

Speaker 1 yeah, so you're like, you're like, I just wasn't ready.

Speaker 2 It was like, I still wanted to do stand-up. And then it was like, I was being pulled into, like, it was just over.
Like, the tomb was in front of the boulder.

Speaker 2 Like, you got to enter the corporate world or like career management.

Speaker 2 I couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 And then I had it as you said it go off. She goes, you must be out your goddamn mind.
Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 2 No, they were like, her and her mother were really trying. I tried.
It was like kind of laughable. I believe it.
I became like a personal trainer at LA Fitness for three weeks,

Speaker 1 walked out in the middle of the day. Dude, that's what black women want.
That's what they want in their white husbands is he needs to be a trainer at Planet Fitness. Oh, LA Fitness.

Speaker 1 Planet Fitness would be sick.

Speaker 2 But yeah, I just, I really tried. For me, I'd never ever been in a relationship before that where I put any effort or cared at all.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 So that was like a learning experience. Like, oh, okay.
Like, yeah, I'm dealing with other human beings. I'm not like, this isn't like a simulation.

Speaker 1 The way you and your

Speaker 1 current wife are is really beautiful and you love each other.

Speaker 1 Because when I was hanging out with you guys with my girl, I got yelled at when we got back in the hotel because I don't treat her the way you treat your wife.

Speaker 1 He was like, she was like, you see how nice he's been? You see how in love they are. You see how they are.
What was she going off of, though? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Just, I guess she saw you guys make eye contact once. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I wasn't even next to her. That's a lot of that, too, is women.
I've noticed that.

Speaker 2 And I've asked my wife, I'm like, when we're standing there and they go, give me a kiss when we're in a crowded place. I'm like, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's not for like me or you. You're doing that for something else.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, she's doing that to peacock because she thinks other girls are looking at you. She's like, so this is, this is my guy.
He's a trainer at LA Folks.

Speaker 1 Former, yeah, former. Former, dude.
Former.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I always wondered about that because they do, they are like comparing a lot being like.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 2 I wasn't really affectionate towards my wife that night at all. I was doing it on purpose.
I wanted to come off like cool. I think.

Speaker 1 But even I noticed. I was like, oh, these two are in love.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You could feel that. You could feel like this wife, this wife's going to be a forever one.
Yeah. Unless you kill her.

Speaker 2 God forbid. Yeah, that would be, or God willing.
Yes. Or killing.
Dude, honestly, like, I would rather get broken up with than initiate the breakup.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Initiating the breakup's the worst.
The worst. For real, the worst.
All the guilt and the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and you have to be, you have to just deal with it.

Speaker 2 I really think it's like, I mean, it's like killing them. Sure.

Speaker 2 It's like you're killing a person on a level where you're just like, we're never going to see you.

Speaker 1 And was she like begging you, like, please, like, don't do this type of thing? No, it wasn't like that.

Speaker 2 It was just sad, dude. Yeah.
So sad because I had my mind made up and there was nothing I could do. Yeah, that's so sad.

Speaker 1 You get to a point where you're just like, well, now I've reached the deep. I'm off the other side of the fucking deep end and there's no coming.

Speaker 2 When you know, you know, that was all for my relationships for me, it's like I would just try desperately just to get pussy. That's all I wanted to do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then next thing you know, it's like, okay, now my life's conjoined to this person. And then I would just try to figure out how to get out of it the whole time.

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, then I got married, and I was like, oh shit, and then it became this whole thing, and I got to like finally live with a woman and really like, yeah, see them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they were just kind of like you would get a girlfriend and they would just materialize when you're younger, and you're like, oh, sweet, we're at the movies, and you'd be like, let me try to get some pussy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then you start to like, when your life's conjoined with a woman, for me, it was such a learning experience to be like, oh, okay, like you guys have this whole wide range of emotions.

Speaker 2 And, you know, that was dude.

Speaker 1 I was reading about, and that's all societal, too. Like, what one, like, I was reading about, um, what, what, what, what the hell was, like, was it the Aardvark Native American?

Speaker 1 It's not the Aardvark Native Americans. Aardvark's an animal.
But it's something like that. It's something like Aardvark tribe or something like that.
But they were like an old school tribe.

Speaker 1 I think they still might be around today, but like when they were like 1800s and their whole belief system was so opposite of what was going on at, you know, like the European settlers, they were like, you know, they thought it was crazy, men and women, to marry one person and to only raise your own children.

Speaker 1 That was like a foreign concept to them.

Speaker 1 Like, no, no, what we do, what the women do here is the, the, the men fight for who's the strongest guy, and then they get to fuck the strongest woman, and then they fuck, and that one gets pregnant, so she goes away, and then the next one steps up, and you keep fighting, and then they just such a good idea, but and then you impregnate them, right?

Speaker 1 And then here's how it works.

Speaker 2 Are the women fighting too? Are they doing that?

Speaker 1 No, no, the women are just there. The women are just there.

Speaker 2 How are they gauging their strength?

Speaker 1 I guess just like I guess the men are fighting and doing all types of things, but then like, oh, I guess, I mean, I'm sure it's just who's the hottest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's the hottest.

Speaker 1 The guys are just like, that one, who's got the biggest tits? That's just all it is.

Speaker 1 Strong tits. Yeah.
So like when you get all the way down the list, you're like, fuck, what am I even fighting for over this pig?

Speaker 1 So the guys would fight, whatever. And then here's the interesting thing.
Number one, you know, have the baby. And then that baby, it's not your, it's, it's not your and her's baby.

Speaker 1 It's you created that baby together, but it's for the village and the village raises it. You know, like it takes a village, whatever.

Speaker 1 so that's so so there's no

Speaker 1 monogamy is not and they don't they not only do they not believe in it they think it's actually bad for society they're like why would you do that and then with like abortion and stuff like that you know it's obviously a a thing you know big debate whatever and guilt and i get why of course but

Speaker 1 this culture if they if you say you impregnated like the top lady right and then she's pregnant and she's watching you over the next few months and she's like this guy's actually weak he's not as strong as i thought They had this potion of herbs and spices, they would abort the baby.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, dude, they would abort it, and it was like it was not even shameful. The guy was shamed on, like, you did that, motherfucker.
Fuck, yeah,

Speaker 2 oh, so he really that's fucking yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, abortions are kind of guys' fault, too. Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 2 Yeah, still to this day, it's kind of like, yo, bro, yeah, oh, yeah, she'd have like lifted a log in front of her.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you sure you want to fucking do this?

Speaker 1 I've been on the sidelines for a couple of them. I'm like, dude, this is me, this is me,

Speaker 1 It's my fault. My fault.
My bad, dude. I should be stronger.

Speaker 1 I should have.

Speaker 2 Dude, if you're, if you saw your wife or the lady, I guess, just sipping the potion, I'd be like, oh, what did I do?

Speaker 1 I'm such a fucking little bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I wonder if you could, so can you enter back? Do you got to wait until the pregnancy to enter back into combat? Or can you just enter back into the ring?

Speaker 1 So that I don't know. I got to do more research because I kind of just read that point and then I just put the book down.
I was like, I got to find this tribe.

Speaker 2 If this tribe is still active, you should go there.

Speaker 1 Dude, this is where I got to be.

Speaker 2 You should go there. And then, you know, when you're there, be like, dude, what the fuck? I had it.
I mean, I gotta, you know, I can't like other myself from the culture.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 I gotta follow the lead. But like, because when you start to look back in history, it's like this whole idea of like, no, I get why monogamy is a big deal.
I get it. I really do understand.

Speaker 1 But I'm like, oh shit, it's just like the pressure that society puts on you in our, you know, we're puritanical society here.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, those pilgrims were kind of, you know, zealots, witchcraft, all that shit. But like, you go to Europe, dude.

Speaker 1 If you go to Europe and you're in Italy or Spain or whatever, and you just like, one of you, like, bang another person,

Speaker 1 it's like not,

Speaker 1 it's like they'll be mad at you, your spouse, but you're not going to get like, you're not going to lose your marriage. You only lose your marriage if you fall in love with another person.

Speaker 1 But like, you can definitely go out and bang. Yeah.
That's like not a big problem. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 It's not a great thing, but I don't think it's like, it's like you going, it's like you go in a strip club with your boys. Like your wife would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Same thing with banging a chick. They're like, are you serious, dude?

Speaker 2 don't do that you asshole but if you're in love or they find text like that's the bigger deal the emotional affair yeah if you're like i love you so much yeah i i knew someone who was uh who got caught sending like beach boys lyrics to their lover over bro that'll get you dude

Speaker 1 that'll get you yeah yeah yeah i was i was sending hall and oats songs to this girl i was like you're out of touch we're had a time and then my girl's like dude you got you have to move out yeah they they sent wouldn't it be nice lyrics Wouldn't it be nice?

Speaker 2 It's like, dude, you're fried.

Speaker 1 I know, man.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you think about it a lot, especially once you like, because when I was younger, I'd always be like, you'd hear about a guy, like a pizza shop owner, would just like bang a cashier. Sure.

Speaker 2 You're like, how the fuck could somebody do that? And as you get older, you're like, the current of that river is pretty strong. You dip your toe into that a little bit, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I see how you carry it off.

Speaker 1 You get it. Boom.
I got a friend. Who's a doctor and he's happily married? Great, great guy, whatever.
But he was like, dude, the amount of doctors that bang the nurses on these overnight shifts.

Speaker 1 He's like, it's literally like, it's the most stereotypical thing. Like the nurses know this, these guys are married or whatever, but it's like, and it's always the same thing.

Speaker 1 It's, it's the male doctor and the female nurse and they just fuck. And he was like, I think it's because he's like, it's one of those things where like, you know, we're around so much death

Speaker 1 in the hospital that I think, you know, somebody dies, something tragic happens. And then your body, you start to get horny because your body is like, oh, oh, I just saw death.

Speaker 1 Let me create life type thing. He's like, so I kind of don't even, I get it.

Speaker 2 And doctors are sexual, they're like a sexual fantasy for women. Oh, yeah.
There was like ER. They're like, they're like one of the things.
There's like firefighters, doctors. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's like one of the things women see and get horny for.

Speaker 1 Dude, my.

Speaker 2 And they're like the boss in the thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, my boy, the doctor, he looks like a golf club. He literally, his head is all fucked up.
He looks,

Speaker 1 he's got eyes are like that. You know,

Speaker 1 he looks sick, but every girl is like, I love him. He's so hot.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, they just, because he's a doctor.

Speaker 2 Dude, I feel, I've been in hospitals before, just like when people are sick, and I'm kind of like, dude, I get, I feel the tension. I'm like, damn, this is a very serious attention.

Speaker 2 There's a bunch of nasty nurses running around.

Speaker 1 Dude, I remember my grandfather, like, you know, passed away. He had a stroke, and his nurse, she was like, you know.

Speaker 1 you know, Latina, kind of, you know, she wasn't like a smoke show, but she was hot enough. And just because she was caring for him, I remember I went in there one day and they were scrubbing him down.

Speaker 1 He's like, shit, his pants, and they're scrubbing him down. I was getting fucking horny while this nurse was just scrubbing down my grandfather's bare ass.
I was like, oh, shit, I love this.

Speaker 1 Because just because I don't know what it was, I was like, she's a caretaker. I want her to scrub my nuts.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Yeah, there is something about that. When the nurse comes in, they're really sweet.
They are like, oh, that does get a guy like that. Teachers.

Speaker 1 Just like women that care, you're just like, oh, man, I want that.

Speaker 1 But then our minds go to these fantasies. And then you create these fantasies with other ladies.
Like, oh, my life will be like this.

Speaker 1 Like, I just want a lady to cook for me wearing, you know, an Eli Manning jersey and making me pasta every weekend. And just kind of just, you know, sucking my dick and just letting me watch the game.

Speaker 1 I'm like, can't I have that? Man, I'm only going to live once. And my dad's like, are you stupid asshole? Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, you can't, dude. You're like, it's, and then also, too, the fantasy never matches.
It's always as soon as you know, yeah, eventually it's gonna be sit. That's just a lady like bristling.

Speaker 2 It's like,

Speaker 1 and you prepare for it now because my father did give me good advice. He was like, Let me tell you something.
He goes, I, you know, when you, when we're out, he was like, you know, my dad's 76 now.

Speaker 1 1776. Yeah.
Best year, dude. By the way, every single passcode on my door, phone, any four-digit code is 1776.
It's just how I roll.

Speaker 1 I know someone who has their door code. Yeah, that's like, so if you ever want to rob anything from me, just know, go 1776.
And then if that doesn't work, it's 1812.

Speaker 1 War of 1812, baby.

Speaker 2 Well, it's sick, too, when someone, like, yeah, what's your door code? And you're like, 1776, obviously.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm not a communist, but I don't know what's wrong. Yeah,

Speaker 1 and every passcode is like, you know, baseball USA.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hot dogs, United States.

Speaker 2 So what was the advice you're talking about?

Speaker 1 So my father

Speaker 1 gave you. He goes,

Speaker 1 he was like, you know, he's like, when you, you know, as you get older, he was like, your brain doesn't change. Your body changes.
So he was like,

Speaker 1 when you and I are standing in the video store, this is an older man example. It was, it was like, okay, we haven't done that in years.

Speaker 1 But he's like, when we stand in the video store, he goes, and you see that hot 25-year-old girl walking in, he goes, the same way your brain says, I'd love to bang that girl. I think I got a shot.

Speaker 1 So does mine. He goes,

Speaker 1 my brain hasn't changed from the 25-year-old man I used to be. He goes, but then I look in the mirror and I I see what I've become.

Speaker 1 He goes, and it really messes with you. He goes, so just don't, don't think.
So his point was, he was like, you know, right now he's like, I'm 75.

Speaker 1 I have diabetes and I basically, I have a useless dick. My dick doesn't work at all anymore.
He's like, I haven't banged your stepmother in 20 years. I'm like, great.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So he's like, he's like, but no, my brain has not changed at all.
So you have to prepare that this struggle that you're going through, this will not stop.

Speaker 1 Your brain doesn't get every old guy you see out there, they want to bang the young women. They just can't.
So you have to just accept what it is. And

Speaker 1 this is like what kind of your sentence is of being a man through this world.

Speaker 2 You have to, yeah, you have to like practice not getting pussy almost in like a Buddhist type of way. Yeah, just being like, it's going to, it's also one of those things that will fade.

Speaker 2 So you do have to prepare for it.

Speaker 1 I know my, my guy, uh, uh, who I work with a lot is like, you know, very like Zen guy. He was like, listen, dude, you're going to be away, you know, for a week.

Speaker 1 He was like, I'm telling you, try not to masturbate. Like, just try to like channel all that energy.
Don't man, I I know you're going to be alone. It's hard.
I was like, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it. I swear to God, I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 I walked through the airport, the Austin airport, and I saw five pussies in Lululemon pants. Like, I saw the outline of five

Speaker 1 full vaginas, and I

Speaker 1 jerked off at the reception desk.

Speaker 1 I checked in and just started cranking it. Dude, it's the, the, the camel toe is crazy.

Speaker 2 I was talking to my wife about it recently because she was going out in the uh exercise gear. She was like, do these look right?

Speaker 2 And I was just kind of like, yeah, man, you don't have to hike them up your pussy. pull them down a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but she was like, well, I don't even care about that. I don't think about that.

Speaker 2 I'm like, people think about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's like you, I see those and it fucks me up for like four minutes.

Speaker 1 I'm like, fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I see nipples emerging and like a pussy print or butt cheeks.

Speaker 1 And the ass. It's, it's crazy, dude.
And I'm telling you, dude, I'm not gay, but the men too, like their legs that they have on these guys with the tattoos on the quads. I'm like, I get it, fellas.

Speaker 2 It's crazy. I want fucking, let's, let's hang out.
Just running by a ribbon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Shirtless.
Yeah, we don't got to like do anything gay, but you want to, we'll get a coffee or something. Yeah, just talk.
Yeah, dude. Just talk.

Speaker 1 I was asking random guys like, you want to come to my pod tomorrow? Just shoot the shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 2 It really is like beautiful men and women. Yeah, because a bunch of colleges.
I think there's like a bazillion

Speaker 2 five different colleges.

Speaker 1 There are, even though, you know, I've said and I've made it clear that I thrive in the original 13 colonies, and that's where I want to be comedically my life.

Speaker 1 I will say there's way more beautiful people as you start to come west. The original 13 colonies, we're not the hottest bunch.

Speaker 1 You know, we're not. We got some hotties.
We definitely have some hotties.

Speaker 2 Well, didn't they like send out

Speaker 2 like the people who are like the first wave of just like prisoners and peasants they like shipped out here against their will of Europeans? Really?

Speaker 1 I didn't know that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So they would just take like prisoners from England and just like people who are fucking up and be like, yo, you're going. And then they came out here.
They promised them like, we'll get your wife.

Speaker 2 We'll like whole new, you know, new, you know, new you. And then they just started sending out like whores.

Speaker 2 They would like arrest women for prostitution and throw them out and send them out here and be like, these are your wives. And half of them would like die on the way.

Speaker 2 You just get like a a skeleton off the boat.

Speaker 1 Just disgusting.

Speaker 2 And the dudes were pissed. They're like, don't give us fucking whores.
We want like, we want, you know, mom and apple pie. Yeah.
So, yeah, it was just like criminals.

Speaker 2 And they just like had people till the land and just die. Yeah.
For like two generations.

Speaker 1 Dude, I read this book. You ever read,

Speaker 1 it was called Island in the Center of the World. It was about New York City because, you know, before the British, when it was like just the Dutch, this author, Russell, Russell Shorto, great.

Speaker 1 It's like an amazing read because we only know, like, I, even me in school, I've only really learned about like what British society was like.

Speaker 1 But, dude, Dutch society in New York, New York called it New Amsterdam, Dutch society, they were like in the 1600s, they were as woke as we are now.

Speaker 1 Dude, they had fucking no, no slaves, everybody was out there fucking everybody. They were having parties, dancing in the streets, like a beautiful type of culture.

Speaker 1 And then the British came in and were like, you know, rules, like shit got puritanical quick and kind of like lost the fun.

Speaker 1 But the whole idea, but that, but this idea of like america like originally was supposed was this amsterdam idea of like this is the place like they wanted new york to be like amsterdam like smoke weed prostitutes everywhere yeah just chill dude and they wanted that to spread across the country but instead yeah got their british idea that british law and order new york was too valuable also right on the sea right yeah it's like yeah so you just you know dude tonight you just look at your wife and say why don't we why don't we be amsterdam tonight instead of dude let me get freaky yeah well here's the thing i go into what your dad said it there is something too like you have to because by default it's like, I'm going to build up this program of like seeking pleasure.

Speaker 2 It's like, I'm going to put, I'm going to get, like, I'm going to get pussy. I'm going to do this.
This is going to be awesome. Like, your dad's saying, that fades physically.

Speaker 2 You have to build a bank of like non-bodily pleasure. Yeah.
And if you just fucking, if you just fuck your way through life, you just.

Speaker 2 destroy everything and you're left just like dickless dickless at the end dickless and alone we're all dickless we're all going to be dickless you got to build up like a yeah dickless safety plan where you start to like enjoy like walks yeah people in your life oh yeah dude my just sucks doing that because you just want to come really hard That's all I want to do.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 My, my, I, I take like, you know, especially with kids, you know, now 14, 9, and 3, but like, you know, so three is like crazy, right?

Speaker 1 She's the cutest, but it's like a legitimate like lunatic terrorist person. But, but, so, but so what I do now, and my dad gave me this advice.
He was like, you, life isn't for you now.

Speaker 1 It's going to be about little breaks. You're not going to get an hour-long break, most likely.
Like, that's just not going to happen. What you got to do is five seconds.

Speaker 1 He says, so when you, you know, your three-year-old, you know, your daughter, daughter, like, she doesn't want to get in the car seat. You got to fucking jam her in there.

Speaker 1 And like, basically, like, I'm putting in like jiu-jitsu moves just to get the safety belt on and the three-point harness. And so, so I do it.
And he was like, and then you shut that door.

Speaker 1 Don't just run around and go right into the driver's seat. Take a nice 10-second walk around the car.
You have 10 seconds alone. Take a breath.
Take five breaths and then get in the car and drive.

Speaker 1 Like little resets. And dude, that's like the game changer where I just take these little, because the bottom line is like there's times where like I can't, I can't meditate.

Speaker 1 I can't just sit there 20 minutes in the sauna meditating because I'm just going to jerk off. I'm just going to break it and just start jerking off.
So instead, what I do is I say, you know what?

Speaker 1 Let me try to take an hour a day, if I can, an hour a day just away off my device, just like go for a walk, just do something.

Speaker 1 And like, that's what I'm counting as meditation because to just sit there for 20 minutes with my eyes closed, I literally will just start jerking off and I can't do it.

Speaker 1 And then it defeats the purpose.

Speaker 1 Or at least this way without, because I'm reading all these studies now where it's like, we're constantly excited from the phone to the screen to this to that to the kids to the life but like older people like they had long bouts of like no stimulation like get bored it's like like go get bored somewhere yeah and that's kind of how i yeah well apparently so your brain so there's a thing called eeg habituation so like you know if i if like a naked lady walked in here our brain waves like brr but if it happened every 10 seconds you're literally your brain habituates to that stimuli so then you're just like it's nothing to you anymore so that they say meditators have like long-term meditators do have,

Speaker 2 it's almost like childlike EEG habituation where they can see a tree and it's like that, like, like a kid looking at it, like, whoa. Right.

Speaker 2 But if you're just kind of just like jamming shit in your face all the time, nothing will excite you.

Speaker 1 Do you meditate?

Speaker 2 I try. I used to be really good at doing it and like really like good about doing it.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, I just completely, I always be like, I don't give about people say they can't like sit down and just.

Speaker 2 meditate now i've hit a place where i can't do it again i don't know what happened you know sit down and i just start to freak out i'm like i got to do this well are you trying to start now doing it again.

Speaker 1 Are they in school now, your kids?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the one, the one is a four-year-old's in pre-K, and the two-year-old is like, she goes like two days a week.

Speaker 1 So, you, so, saying you have a couple days a week where, like, you and your wife, like, don't have the kids. Yeah, we have six hours.
We have a babysitter coming. No, so you got some time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 2 I have time to work, but then I have to just get so much stuff done. Yeah, yeah.
But I've been trying to, the walk is good for me, too.

Speaker 2 If I do a nice long walk, it's like, I think that just that counts.

Speaker 1 It does. It definitely does.
But it's like one of those things. It's like, you just feel gay as a guy going for a walk.
You know, like, just, I kind of always just feel gay too.

Speaker 1 Like, when I'm pushing my kid in a stroller, I'm like, dude, just let me hold you. I know.
Let me hold you like a football because I just feel gay. I feel gay just like

Speaker 1 going for a walk. It's gay.
And I wish it wasn't. I wish I felt like more.
And by the way, I'm not even disparaging gay. I think gay is being gay is powerful.
True.

Speaker 1 But I guess I kind of just feel like more feminine.

Speaker 2 I feel like you're appropriating gay culture by taking walks.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm okay with that.

Speaker 1 I want the gays.

Speaker 2 I like taking walks.

Speaker 1 And you don't feel like less of a guy.

Speaker 2 No, not walking.

Speaker 1 Walking, you feel almost like a holy man.

Speaker 2 You feel very interested and blissful.

Speaker 2 And every great man would take it constitutional.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 2 So it's like, it's poor for the course. Keeping a journal, all the things you think are gay.
Keeping a journal, not gay. Every great man kept a journal.
Yeah. And you take it constitutional.

Speaker 1 Dude, even if you go back to the founding fathers, dude, you think throwing on a pair of pantyhose is gay. Look at our founding father.
Dude, you think that were they all cross-dressers?

Speaker 1 Oh, look at old pictures of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. They're in literally high-hill shoes and pantyhose with wigs on.
I'm like, these guys are my dream.

Speaker 2 They have those like thigh things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Those were men, dude.
They would put wigs on and pantyhose and high-heel shoes. And they'd be like,

Speaker 1 that's what we're going to do, bro. We're going to take over this goddamn country.
So for me, I look back at our fathers and I'm like, dude, if they're doing it, let's get real, you know?

Speaker 2 Yeah, taking walks definitely isn't gay. It's a shame that we've been made to believe it's gay.
Yeah. Because they just want you on the device.
Yeah, that's what.

Speaker 2 But then it's like, I do like to listen to music while I walk because I try to just be like, no music, no nothing. And it's kind of like.

Speaker 1 But sometimes we got to like really reconnect. Like, I think sometimes for me to like, I got I want to ride a horse, you know, like just get on a horse and just go down a path.

Speaker 2 That'd be nice. That'd be sick.
That'd be nice. Yeah.
Hold your baby too.

Speaker 2 I feel you on the baby stroller because there is the part where it's like you feel like women see it and they're like, oh, that's so sweet. But then it's like, anything they like is gay.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 It's like, I want to just like hold them by their foot like a dead chicken.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like Achilles. Yeah.
Yeah.

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Speaker 2 But yeah, it is, I don't know, man. It's tricky, dude.
It's very tricky.

Speaker 2 A lot of I see here more so, I think like young women might be just like feeding the life force from like homeless people and like dads here. A lot of the dads here

Speaker 2 present as gay.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 2 And I think something happened where I think people have like men especially have reached, like, I feel like educated kind of men have reached inside themselves and killed the switch where they just become like well, dude, weird dude.

Speaker 2 It's like, dude, come on, man.

Speaker 1 Especially us as like, you know, like comedians, like, our, our world is a little like, you know, the older school men are like, what do you do?

Speaker 1 Like, they don't care how much money you're making or not making. Like, what are you doing, dude? Go build something.
Yeah. Go like work.
Go to a factory. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I, I feel like, because, you know, I'm not like a guy at all. Like I said, I don't know my, I don't know how to build or do anything.

Speaker 1 So there's a lot of times where like my kids will like walk out the door of school and I'll, I just will lift up the hood of my car and even know what I'm looking at just so they can somewhat my daughters and I'm just like in there have a good day girls and I'm but I'm just I'm kind of just like doing the macarena

Speaker 1 I'm just rolling my arms I'm going like that I don't even I have no idea but but but like anytime like I see like but I even I even though it's weird because like it's my it's actually you know our careers to kind of have this time and to create whatever but like when I go into a coffee shop at like 11 a.m on a Tuesday and I see a guy there on his laptop I'm like the fuck are you doing dude

Speaker 1 go to work yeah but meanwhile I'm there to ride in my laptop.

Speaker 1 I'm mad at him. Yeah, get out of here, dude.
I'm like, dude, like, you're so lame. Go, go, go.
You got to go to fucking work.

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Speaker 1 That's why I like Chinese dudes. That's why, like, I talk about it on stage a lot.
It's like, you know, with play dates with kids. Like, I had my daughter has a, there's a Chinese kid in her class.

Speaker 1 And I love, I hang out with him and his family because, like, first of all, I've never met his. Every other parent is like available for a play date at 2 p.m.
Yeah. The Chinese are not.

Speaker 1 They're working. Mom and dad work and the grandparents watch the kids.
That's just how the culture is. They're like, you're not, there's no work from home in China.
There's no hybrid work.

Speaker 1 They're like, like, no, you're going to go to work. We fucking, they lock their people in their houses with COVID.
They don't give a fuck.

Speaker 2 Now they have after-school stuff for the kids because the parents work so long. My brother was telling me this.
A lot of like the Indian and Chinese guys were out.

Speaker 2 Families, mom and dad work super long hours. So after they go to school, they got to go to an after-school program where they continue to learn about like science and shit.

Speaker 2 And the parents come up back at like probably like six, seven p.m.

Speaker 1 Dude, this is what happened with the Nazis. You know,

Speaker 1 they were just fucking, you know, they just came out. School, school, school.
World school, building shit.

Speaker 2 Blix craig came out 1930s and just steamrolled motherfuckers and that's what's gonna happen with china they're the ones working everyone else is like having fun having sex getting stds yep and not not the chinese dude yeah i i we still will crush them i think so i think we'll just stabilize we can destabilize them i think pretty easily yeah because there's that whole like middle coastal there's like the middle portion that are poor and peasants and the coastal elites and like Yeah, their whole history is that middle portion coming in, fucking people up, becoming the coastal elites, and they just kind of go back.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. You know, know, it's Chinese culture, Chinese history.

Speaker 2 I've like not a lot. I've read about it, but

Speaker 2 it's still a mysterious land, as far as I know. Oh, yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 The Great Wall.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I can't even understand it when they tell me about it, how they just built a wall throughout the whole country.
I'm like, why?

Speaker 1 So dumb. They'll just climb it.

Speaker 1 I'll shoot missiles over there. Look at my chair.
Just fell down. Look at this.
Do you see this? My chair just fell down. The Chinese fucking

Speaker 1 remote controlling my chair. Hold on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, i think we're like currently destabilizing russia and once we get done destabilizing russia we'll probably turn our sights on china and that's the only other really like threat powerful threat right yeah i mean i guess i guess yeah that seems like yeah because iran who cares north korea doesn't matter

Speaker 2 i i've i've read there's a good book called the next hundred years by george friedman i forget the guy's name but he like laid it out and he like he wrote it in like the early 2000s and he was laying out like the you know russia ukraine thing uh he was like making predictions like by before 2030 there they have to go to war they have to fight each other russia has to take back ukraine blah blah blah really yeah what was his reasoning why they have to take back ukraine uh because like they just need like a buffer like yeah you can enter you can just be right into russia from like in all those other points because of those like nato countries sure so you can just march right in ukraine you can just kind of like That's their one weak spot through Ukraine because the other parts are kind of like hard to get into.

Speaker 2 But that like if you leave whatever that big city is Kiev, you can be in like one of the big cities.

Speaker 1 So do you think Russia is going to beat Ukraine? No, I don't think so. You think Ukraine is just like a porcupine? Like they're just...

Speaker 2 I think, well, in the book, he was like, it's not even about winning wars. The United States just needs to destabilize any other power.

Speaker 1 You don't have to win the war.

Speaker 2 You just have to fuck their economy up so bad that it throws them off.

Speaker 1 But that'll destabilize them for 20, 30 years, right? Like, we're not going to be able to go to Moscow as American citizens probably ever in our life. No, probably not.

Speaker 2 Well, the problem is, too, Russia is going through the population decline. And that was a big thing in the book.
Like, this is their last time we'll have all these young men.

Speaker 2 It's going to be a huge population dip. Right.
So, if we can kind of like fuck them up now,

Speaker 2 by 2050, they're not going to have like enough young men.

Speaker 1 So, we're in the driver's seat big time. Yeah.
Like, we're according to this guy.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm going to say China is going to take over, but he was like,

Speaker 2 not going to happen. He's, he's like, he

Speaker 2 believes that Russia and China will collapse. And then 2030 will be like the 2030s onward.
It'll be, you know, it's kind of been right.

Speaker 2 He was like, the 2020s are going to be so tumultuous, like very bad.

Speaker 2 But then, like, after that, there's going to be a presidency around like 2030, 2034, and they're really going to like figure it out and unite us all new era of peace. Because his thing is that.

Speaker 1 God, I hope I'm still selling tickets then. I know.

Speaker 1 One other thing, 2030, I'm fucking 40 now. It's 20.
Oh, dude, I'm going to be, I'm going to suck. I'm going to be like in my 50s.

Speaker 2 Imagine how fun that'll be, being 50. And you see, like, that's true.
25-year-olds, and you're like, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Fuck up. Yeah.
My dumb kids. Like, shut your mouth.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. I hope that happens.
Yeah, because it does. I do feel, I do feel like sometimes somber.
Like I'm like, man, like I romanticized like the late 90s and early 2000s.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, obviously 9-11 was bad, but like, I don't know if you remember like 2007, 2008 was awesome. It's like

Speaker 1 college, yeah. It was amazing times.
Yeah. Everybody was having fun.
And now I'm just like, everywhere I look, I'm like, it doesn't seem like people are as happy as they were.

Speaker 1 Certainly not as free as they were. Yeah.
And I'm just like, that's hopeful. The next hundred years, I'm going to get that book.
It's pretty good.

Speaker 2 It's really cool. They, uh, and the big thing, too, they say, like, these are just cycles.
Like every 50 years, there's like a 50-year cycle where like someone passes like a huge like seminal policy.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, I can't remember why I'm going to say like Roosevelt did that whole thing, whatever his big policy was.

Speaker 1 We'll carry a big stick. Yeah, whatever, whatever he did.

Speaker 2 But that'll solve a bunch of problems from the previous 50 years.

Speaker 2 But then 50 years later, that policy will cause problems that it takes 50 years to figure out and solve, which then will solve those problems, era of peace, and that

Speaker 2 policy creates new problems.

Speaker 1 It's just a never-ending cycle.

Speaker 2 Never-ending cycle.

Speaker 1 And if you guys want any chance chance to stop the cycle, do the right thing this November.

Speaker 2 Yeah, true.

Speaker 2 Where are you at in November?

Speaker 1 Come to comedy on state in Madison, Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 No, I know. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't know. People are obviously all bent out of shape about who's going to be the president.
I'm like, I don't know that it matters as much as you genuinely think it is.

Speaker 1 I think it matters just for like political unrest on people crying, whichever, whoever wins, but I don't know.

Speaker 1 Have you ever really genuinely felt a genuine difference, whoever the president is?

Speaker 2 No, I've never felt it except for COVID.

Speaker 2 When you got locked in and there were people being like, let people out versus let people in, that was the only time I've ever been like, but then you didn't have to do it.

Speaker 2 That was the other thing I told people. You didn't have to do it.
Yeah, yeah. At least not in America.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, remember like they were like, oh, you're going to need like a vaccine card like forever? I was like, no, I don't think you are.

Speaker 2 No, I had a fake one.

Speaker 1 Sure. It was easy.
Dude, there was a pizzeria in my neighborhood on Third Avenue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, that was like literally, I swear,

Speaker 1 the people that knew knew. If you ordered, I think it was two pepperoni slices and garlic nuts come in six.
If you're like, oh, can I get two pepperoni slices and half an order of garlic nuts?

Speaker 1 And you kind of just like gave a look, they knew that that meant give that to you, and then you would give them a hundred dollar bill and they would have a fake vaccine card in the you know to-go bag for you.

Speaker 1 It was like a whole like, it was like a like a system they had. That's where people are getting fake vaxed all day.
Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 2 Yeah, bro. Yeah, my wife made them in our basement.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's great. But do you ever think, like, do you think the government cares anymore? You think they're still looking for those people or just they can't?

Speaker 2 No, They didn't give a fuck then. That really was a, um, I think that was just like a huge effort from the pharma companies who had people paid in Washington.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because that was like, they can do a thing where they're like, and again, for some people who wanted it, like, get it. I don't care.
Like, fucking two-year-olds didn't need it.

Speaker 2 That was the one point where, like, our pediatrician was like, well, you don't have to do it. I totally respect that, but.
There's a higher chance that your kid might die. And I was like, okay, man.

Speaker 1 No, there's not. Get the fuck out of here.
Yeah. Let's stop it.

Speaker 2 That to me was the part that I was like, this is ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Give it to the geezers.

Speaker 2 If it works for them cool yeah but like dude i don't need this i'm like yeah i don't fuck i don't take tylenol for headaches so i'm like i'm not taking that oh you just power through you're that guy i just i don't like a lot of like medicines and shit they freak me out like pills all that stuff interesting so what if you get really sick you just ride that fucker out if i'm like super duper sick then i'll kind of yield and take like a little something but even then yeah i like to put what i would do if i get like a fever i'll take a really hot bath and i spike my fever That way, because then it's old school.

Speaker 2 The fever is what like is your immune reaction. It's good.

Speaker 1 Dude, I like that you go, oh, all you put leeches on and just suck your blood out you go old school dude that was a treatment for cancer they were giving no no fevers they were giving they were spiking fevers interest and it kills like cancer cells like it fevers are good for you of course you can't get too high because you can have a seizure yeah so if you can keep that thing at like 102 103 getting a hot bath i just burn it out dude you're right you get right to that that's you edging yourself but if i get yourself a fever right right to the point of seizure but do you ever try to jerk off in a hot bath no impossible why it's It's just the hot water fucks with your nuts.

Speaker 1 Oh, because you know what it is? Probably because when you get hot water, it's called vasoconstriction is what's going to make your dick off.

Speaker 1 Vasodilation, when you open up, everything goes, blood pressure goes down. It must go down.

Speaker 2 I can't come in the bathtub. So you think it'd be a glorious session, but it's like...
You just can't do it. Can't do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 I've actually never, so the way that I jerk off, I don't jerk off kind of

Speaker 1 like most people like this. I actually lay my dick,

Speaker 1 I kind of sandwich it between my stomach and my hands. You're a pressure player.
Yeah, exactly. I just, I kind of just push the base of my dick and top of my balls to just kind of shoot it out.

Speaker 1 So I can't ever jerk off standing up regardless. I'm always laying down.
I kind of make a little pussy for myself.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. It's kind of nice.
It's kind of nice, dude, because I don't know why.

Speaker 1 When I was a little kid, like the first time I ever jerked it or like, you know, masturbated or felt that, I just was rubbing, I was like basically like rubbing a pillow on my dick and balls.

Speaker 1 And then I think I just stayed that way.

Speaker 2 That's how you do it.

Speaker 1 Like I've never, I've almost,

Speaker 1 I could, I don't think I've ever went,

Speaker 1 I've never cranked it, dude. It's probably, that's awesome.
Yeah. It's pretty sick.
I just don't do it. I do it a different way.
And I bet you that has implications on me mentally.

Speaker 1 And like, I'm just like a different guy because of it.

Speaker 2 I think you're better off, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because that is, there is something gay about like gripping your member.

Speaker 1 And like, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, you're just built, you're just fucking.

Speaker 1 I'm, dude, I'm different. And I'm just built.
I just, that's the way I roll. And then I shoot into my belly button.
And, you know, it's kind of just like whatever, dude. Have you ever got caught?

Speaker 2 Ever got walked in on?

Speaker 1 I got walked in on. My mom caught me once.
That was bad. I never forget.

Speaker 1 She was, um, um, she was walking in from the local pizzeria and she had brought me uh like mozzarella sticks and a chicken, bacon, ranch slice. And she had it like on, like, she used to, dude.

Speaker 1 Until I moved down to my mom's house in my mid-20s. And when I was literally like 24 years old, she would bring me food on a New York Yankees like dinner tray.
Like, she would just give it to me.

Speaker 1 And like, it had like this setup where I would just like lay on my bed and it was like a little table. And she had that New York Yankees baseball tray with the food on.
And I was just rubbing it.

Speaker 1 And you were in there this way. Yeah, I was like, I was like,

Speaker 1 and and so and she literally she was like i you like she like went like this and she was like just slammed my door and she was like your food's outside the door in the hallway so i had to get it like a fucking inmate just like you know and then

Speaker 1 dude one time she found one of my vhs porn tapes It was bad. Like we used to pass around a VHS porn tape and she found it.
I just left it. So I used to put it in.

Speaker 1 I had this documentary about the original USA Dream Team. So I would, and I smell, I was such a like a little loser kid.

Speaker 1 I was like 12 years old and I wrote on the cover of it i said i want to go to the nba like a loser like in sharpie you're good at basketball though right yeah division three so that's good

Speaker 1 but yeah i guess and so and so so i i had put the tape in that dream team thing because i was like my mom never looks in that and then my mom for whatever reason was like cleaning my room one day when i was like at school or it was a weekend i don't remember And she popped that fucking tape and thinking she was going to be a documentary on the dream team.

Speaker 2 You probably read, you probably saw your quote was inspired.

Speaker 1 i want to get my son a basketball hoop

Speaker 1 oh yeah and it was just this colombian lady with a full bush just getting piped screaming in spanish

Speaker 1 and so i got home that day because like it was a big deal like you know we didn't have cell phones back then like we would when me and my boys were at the park it was like who's got we called it the spanish porn yeah like who's got the spanish yeah the spanish fly we call it spanish fly 14 it circulated all around circulated and like you somebody would bring it and then it was like a big deal it's like okay you get it for a week then frankie gets it and it's like what it is And so when I came home one day, I was, you know, wasn't even thinking about it.

Speaker 1 I came home and then it was literally, she had smashed it into like 20 pieces with a hammer. And she wrote a little, she had, my mom loved post-its and she had a post-it on it.

Speaker 1 And she wrote, get this filth out of my house.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah.
And then so I had to tell the guys, I was like, my mom smashed that fucking porn. I just brought it back in like a pile.

Speaker 1 Just proof. Yeah, and they were just furious at me.
They were just furious at me. They were like shooting paintballs at me all summer.

Speaker 2 So my brothers would go to like the adult section of Blockbuster and steal the porn tapes.

Speaker 2 It was like a serious effort to get the porn tapes of, yeah, if you got smashed, you'd be like, bro, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I know. And now

Speaker 2 we're risking freedom to fucking get these.

Speaker 1 Boys or girls?

Speaker 1 Girls. I have two girls.
Two girls.

Speaker 1 Okay, I was going to say, like, I'm actually happy if he had a boy or like for the boys that are living in Texas, I'm actually happy that the porn is blocked because then they're going to go find adventurous ways, just like we had, to kind of get porn any way they can.

Speaker 1 So I kind of actually respect what the governor is doing here i do block the porn he's doing it so the kids can have more fun and be more adventurous and yeah if you want to get kids if you want to get kids creative which is a big problem we have block the porn i think so big deal dude kids don't go in the woods anymore no but they will if they're looking for if they have no porn to watch

Speaker 2 that's where we found everyone found i think it's funny i think john mayer did stand up once and his bit was that porn every kid finds porn in the woods originally yeah it was pretty funny pretty funny that was true that was like that's where we found porn we had to go to the woods and you would just find it like fuck yeah you had porn You'd find, like, you know, people would go have sex in the woods.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd find a condom. Sure.
First time I found a condom in the woods, I went home and just beat off. That's it.
I just saw a used condom, and I was like, I got to jerk off.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's crazy.

Speaker 1 Someone fucked here.

Speaker 2 I was like, I got to go to the house.

Speaker 1 You got to jerk off. I know.
God, I know the littlest things. And now it's like, now it's like the thought of using a condom is like, what am I fucking dude?

Speaker 1 I reckon to have sex with a condom is like you're having sex with the condom inside the girl. It's like, just go raw, go home.
Like, if you're going to do it, just do it, dude.

Speaker 2 If you're scared, don't do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my whole thing is like, you know what, man? Like, you want to go and fucking make a horrible decision and go, you know, cheat on your wife. Don't be a pussy about it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Go in, come back with another kid, a disease. Like, really get fucking in there.
Yeah. Show your kids that you can overcome anything.

Speaker 2 And also, if you're going to go cheat on your wife and wear a condom, it's like, just jerk off, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, seriously. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Don't have condom sex.

Speaker 1 It has to be something where it's like

Speaker 2 a waitress.

Speaker 1 Fully, dude.

Speaker 2 And just sit there for like eight months and be like,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 How am I going to break this to her? Yeah, like every, like you have to go through the full spectrum of suffering. Yeah, 100%, man.

Speaker 2 And then once the kid, I feel like you almost want there to be a kid as a result of the affair. That way it kind of softens because then it's like,

Speaker 1 what are we going to do? Don't fucking punish this kid. It's what it is.
And it's also like, here's the thing. I forgot if it was Giannis or Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 1 Somebody said something to me was like, you know, you go out, you have unprotected sex with a girl. You do the crime, you do the time.

Speaker 1 What's going to happen now is you got, you have, your sentence is two to 25 days. In two to 25 days, a disease will pop up or a baby will pop up.

Speaker 1 So like, so like, or a girl will pop pop up being crazy. So, you do your sense, and if you can get through a month, if you can get through a lunar month

Speaker 1 with no issues,

Speaker 1 that's what they revolve around. That's what they say.
So, you do the crime, you do the time. You're not going to get out of this scot-free.
Yeah, you did the crime. So, now it's time to do the time.

Speaker 1 You're going to do the time.

Speaker 1 And so, that's how it would kind of just calm, we'd calm DeRosa down. Like, he was like, All right, I'm doing my time.
And then he would text us, like, all right, I'm out. I'm free, baby.

Speaker 1 That's what you got to do, man. Yeah.
It's fun being a guy.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 1 It is. I would not want to, people think, oh, easier being a woman.
No, sir.

Speaker 2 Dude, it's fucking great being a guy. I've literally, so me and my wife have aura rings.
They like track your biometrics.

Speaker 1 Oh, great.

Speaker 2 And I can't stop talking about this because it's like a revelation. So

Speaker 2 we both went to sleep one night at like 9.30 p.m. Great night of sleep.
I woke up. My readiness score is like 89%.

Speaker 2 You got me a little crown above it. I'm like, yeah, thanks.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 My wife slept the same time. Her readiness score was 50%.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Because of the period.

Speaker 2 Their body temperature is elevated.

Speaker 1 Like, they're fucked up, man. So she woke up not in a good mood then.
She's not ready.

Speaker 2 Terrible mood.

Speaker 1 It's like

Speaker 2 my 50% is if I'm out like drinking all night and I'm hungover. Right.
She did all the right stuff, went to bed, all that stuff. Ate right.

Speaker 2 She could cut back and go things.

Speaker 2 But no, dude, she is. She like did everything right.
It was, and then like woke up in the morning 50%. I was like, your period fucks you up this much? She's like, yes.
That's what it is.

Speaker 2 Their heart rate's elevated and their body, it's like they have a fucking fever.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, every, every month, your wife has to take Tylenol. I'm sure she feels up, she's got to pop a Tylenol.

Speaker 2 They're all like crackheads with Tyler.

Speaker 1 They take everything. You have to because it's crazy.
Yeah, true. Imagine every single month, you're just sick.
Like, you fucked. Yeah, you're like, fuck, fuck, dude.

Speaker 2 And it's like, so that's, and then there's like the time leading up to it. You're

Speaker 2 cramping.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you're just like, fucked, dude.

Speaker 2 You're psychologically gone. Yeah.
There's like 10 days out of the month. I try to break it down to her.
I'm like one-third of the month.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're fucked.
That's why, like, when you see like what Caitlin Clark can do, you're like, that lady's doing all that on her period most of the time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, she's absolutely crushing everyone. Yep.
Not feeling at all with a 40% readiness.

Speaker 2 Are you talking about her playing basketball or fighting black ladies?

Speaker 1 Both. Yeah, both.
I think.

Speaker 1 But it's just like she just puts it on everyone. Yeah.
You know, like guys don't have to do that. Like it's impressive what Steph Curry does, but he's never had to do it bleeding from his dick.
True.

Speaker 1 You know, think about that playing with your period. Yeah, they all have to.

Speaker 2 That would be nice for, if I was a betting man, I would try to get the inside scoop on who was on their period. Yeah.
Or like

Speaker 1 playing, playing, some of them playing like not even knowing they're pregnant yet and just dealing with like morning sickness and just fucking come every in them. Do you? And they're just killing it.

Speaker 2 You think that in the team probably syncs up? So like some teams are, I think if you win the championship, everyone sinks to your period.

Speaker 1 Dude, so one day they do. So one,

Speaker 1 I believe that.

Speaker 1 That's what they're playing for. That's what they're playing for.

Speaker 1 So I remember once I was on a flight from Indianapolis, from, I think I was going from New York to Indianapolis on like, you know, it was like a, it was like a shitty fucking,

Speaker 1 like American Airlines, like small, shitty plane. And the New York Liberty got on the plane with me.
I guess they were playing maybe the Indiana Fever or what, I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they, and the, all, the, all the women got on the plane and they sat in the back of the plane. And the head coach at the time was Bill Lambert.
I don't know if you know Bill Lambert.

Speaker 1 He was like the old coach of the Detroit, old player on the Detroit Pistons.

Speaker 1 And he was just sitting in first class, like laid the fuck out. And the girl, the women were like, you could hear like some of the women being like mad in the back.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm sitting in the fucking back coaches up in the front but he was just laid out chilling legs out and i and i that got me thinking like he probably has to deal with like these women sinking up on their period and maybe that was one of those days where he was like i'm getting the fuck away from these ladies for two hours and i'm just sitting in the front of the plane and not dealing not dealing with

Speaker 2 an eye mask on yeah yeah

Speaker 1 dude i i would just be i would be having to run suicide so they can't get that period energy i'd be like on the line get out run it out it's so dude i mean i well now we're both gonna have to fit and we have daughters we're all you know way outnumbered It's like, you know, none of my kids are still too young.

Speaker 1 But when that happens, it's gonna get fucking bad. Oh, it's crazy.
It's crazy.

Speaker 2 I had a maintenance guy come up to like my office apartment, and he was like, I was like, he's like looking around, like, where's your bed?

Speaker 2 And I was explaining to him, like, this is what I use it for. He has two daughters, and his daughters are like teenagers.
Yeah. And he goes, bro, like, for real, like, you might want to stay here.

Speaker 2 He was like, when they all, he's like, when the wife and the two daughters sync up and they start, he's like, bro, for real, like, get out of your house. It gets bad.

Speaker 2 It's like, you're just, you're not, just get out of there.

Speaker 1 Dude, last week, you know, my daughter's only nine.

Speaker 1 Like, last week, like, we were having like a regular day, and I said, um, and I said to her, I was like, okay, I was like, she was like, oh, can I, uh, can I have a snack?

Speaker 1 And I was like, I was like, oh, like, mom's going to cook dinner. So, like, we'll eat in like an hour, which I've said to her a million times.
And she goes, oh, I guess I'm fat then.

Speaker 1 And then walks up the stairs and slams her door. And her mom was like, she might be on her period.
It might be starting. Let me go up there and talk to her.
And then she talked to her.

Speaker 1 And I don't think, I don't think it happened because they wouldn't. The thing is, like, what you could tell me that my daughter's on her period.
And it's like, what can I actually do? Nothing.

Speaker 1 So, like, if you just tell me to go to the store and get it, like, there's no real, there's no real reason the mother has to tell the father that their daughter's on their period because it's like, okay, yeah, so what am I going to do for that?

Speaker 1 Do I'm going to go on the road? Yeah, like out of you, yeah, you sleep because you can't talk.

Speaker 2 You can't be like, hey, how's your period?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's all.
That's just.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's mom stuff. But when she said that to me, like, oh, I guess I'm fat now, and then slammed the door.
And I was like, holy shit, bro.

Speaker 1 That was like the first instance where I was like, my little kid daughter, who's like, you know, was like one of my bros is now like becoming like a young woman where I'm like, oh shit, like, I got to be careful what I say.

Speaker 1 Now I got to be like careful, careful. You know, and she just kind of gets, she gets on me.
She's like, why don't you ever hold mom's hand? And I'm like, oh my, what? The fuck? That's you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's going to happen.

Speaker 2 We got in an argument one time and my, uh, my, I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old. And like, I like, I was like, I went outside and sat on my steps.
I was just like, fucking motherfuck.

Speaker 2 And they came outside, like neighbors are outside. They both came out and they're like, be nice to mommy, dad.

Speaker 1 I'm like, we do shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 it's a fucking

Speaker 2 yeah, I know, because my daughters don't like it. If I'll grab my wife and like, I'll like, I'll give her like a big kiss.
My one, my four-year-old's like, Dad, stop. She does not like it.

Speaker 1 Okay, she's like, She doesn't like the affection.

Speaker 2 She, yeah, she, she's like, Come on, man, knock it off. Yeah, I don't know.
It's really weird.

Speaker 1 I mean, every kid's different.

Speaker 2 Maybe when they get older, they'll be like, Come on. That is funny.
Like, hold her hand. All right, that's enough out of it.
Yeah, she's, I know.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, and dude, the drama you're going to see, like, you know, my, my, again, mine's in fourth grade now, the older one, like the, the, the girl drama with school.

Speaker 1 I mean, she's been to two different schools and she's had two mortal enemies that sound like the exact same girl in, you know, 20 miles away. I'm like, okay, so it's you.
It's my kid.

Speaker 1 That is the problem. Just fucking causing beef with everyone.
But then it's like the girl drama.

Speaker 1 So it's like, Will, you know, like my daughter told me, you know, like, oh, this girl, you know, she's doing this to me. She's doing that to me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 And, you know, like, what should I do? And I'm like, well, you know, of course, honey, like, you know, like, just, you know, obviously tell the teacher and, you know, don't get physical or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then her mom's advice is like, she hits you, you hit her back. Yeah.
You slap her, you pull her fucking hair. Do not let that bitch dominate this territory.

Speaker 1 Kind of, I'm like, these girls are in fourth grade. Yeah, dude.
But that's how women are. Women are like,

Speaker 1 I took it as there was a problem. I'm like, okay, all good.
You know, like, it'll be fine. You'll work it out in school or whatever.

Speaker 1 And like, already, like, my, my, my girl was already, had already messaged the school and that kid's mom. Like, we're having a meeting.

Speaker 1 Like, right. Like, women are, and then, and now the went, the two, now my, my kid's mom and this girl's mom are like fucking enemies.
Dude, at pickup, it's bad.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, so now it's one of those things where, like, women are loyal like that. Like, you fuck with me, you fuck with the whole family.

Speaker 1 Where guys, I'm kind of more like, dude, we could get into a fits fight and I do your podcast tomorrow. I don't care.
We'll just get over it. But women, it's like, that's it.

Speaker 2 The battlefield's so much more complex. It's like, for real, we do like caveman warfare.
They do like modern warfare of like psyops.

Speaker 2 Like, destabilize friend groups

Speaker 1 and it gets like really dark like they'll like throw a party just so they can throw take pictures of it and put them out and then not invite one person and the whole thing's just to this one lady one girl up yeah and they can do it and it's it's just devastating man just devastating i know i know i mean like i feel like you know it's it's it's interesting being around so many like women in in my life because i'm just like man like you really if they really if if if if the if this country elected more women we i think we would actually be a more vicious i don't think we even understand how vicious america can be because we haven't had a woman

Speaker 1 dude yeah if you've read i mean hillary clinton kind of got the job done oh yeah she's in there doing some stuff but yeah it would be they're so much more vicious it's like unbelievable yeah i and it's it's scary it's terrifying i think abraham lincoln said like what was it like i forgot the exact term but it was like hell has no

Speaker 1 something he was basically

Speaker 1 uh uh like a woman scorned or whatever woman scorned is like no you know like that is like basically hell whatever yeah and i'm like oh even he knew, and he was gay. Yeah, even he knew,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, that's a problem with women leaders is you'd have to have like a strong team for that like 10 to 12 day period out of the month where they're completely fucked up. Yes.

Speaker 2 And they just are, I don't know why we can't face that as a reality. Yeah.
It's like you're powerful as hell. Let's just use that as your incubating period.
Like, right.

Speaker 1 Chill. Yeah.
Like, we keep, I just feel bad.

Speaker 2 Like, why are we acting like this doesn't exist? Yeah. It's not a slight on them.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude, I would be fucked up too. Of course, dude.
Oh, chill.

Speaker 1 Even the trauma of childbirth, dude, my girl raw dog two childbirths just fucking pushed those fuckers out and then got up and walked. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Like a couple of hours later, she was walking with no pussy. It just fell out.

Speaker 1 She was just with just an ice pack on it, being like, all right, what are we going to eat?

Speaker 1 What do you guys want? You want eggs? Yeah, the childbirth, childbirth is a gear you see them in that you're just kind of like, what the fuck? It's crazy. They do have,

Speaker 1 I think just through nature, they have a more, the highest threshold of pain. I mean, way higher threshold than a man could ever have.
Because, I mean, think about that once.

Speaker 1 If that happened to you once in your life and you had to do that, I mean, you would die. We would all die.

Speaker 2 Dude, talking about your butthole getting this big.

Speaker 1 That's insane. That would be fucking crazy.
Even worse if it came out through your penis. That would be sick.

Speaker 2 Just a finger through your penis.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 fuck. Yeah.
Yeah, man. So when I see like a, when I saw like the two childbirths, it was like one of those things where I was like, okay, the, the, there are, like, they're, they're more powerful.

Speaker 1 They're stronger. They, I know physically they're not, but like mentally is the thing.
And it's like, I can't even compete at all. I cannot compete.

Speaker 1 When my girl starts asking me questions, I'm fucked. I tell the truth.
I'm a truth teller. I'm like, right away.
You can't lie. Yeah, you can't.
I used to, I used to try to lie.

Speaker 1 And then the anxiety and pain I would sit with. Yeah.
Where I was like, might as well just tell the truth now because she actually already knows.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and they're going to figure it out. You can't lie.

Speaker 2 If you think you can't, like, women could get, they could get away with it so easy, but like, if you try to lie to a woman, it's like, it's, they're going to find out. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2 They can just look at you and be like, you motherfucker. Yeah.
They can tell. You piece of shit.
And they're good.

Speaker 2 Like, dude, they'll like, I didn't realize like they'll, even on Instagram, like, they'll kind of look at your who's liking what of your things, look into their profile.

Speaker 1 I don't even know how to do that on her, like, I have no idea even access that information on Instagram.

Speaker 1 And she'll, that's a good point. She'll know, like, followers who like something from weeks and weeks ago and then has their whole profile locked and loaded.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 And it's like, oh, did you know, Stephanie go to your show? I'm like, what? Who is that? They're like, oh, well, she has an interest in Austin, Texas. I've seen from her interests on

Speaker 1 her LinkedIn that I've tracked.

Speaker 1 So hypothetically, it makes sense if she came to your show. Yeah.
Like, I don't even know who she's talking about.

Speaker 2 You see the usually personal, like, damn, she's smoking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 This girl's awesome. I saw her pussy in the gym.
Thank you for bringing her to my attention. I know.
Well, that's the other problem. It's like that, that's how they go overboard.

Speaker 1 It's like you'll bring up all these girls that

Speaker 1 I genuinely have no idea who they're talking about. And then she'll be like, how about, you know, was this girl at your show? And then she'll send a screenshot.

Speaker 1 I'm like, no, but then I'll have fucking Steve be like, can you DM this one and give her tickets?

Speaker 1 Turn off this page. Yeah, Steve, here you go, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, you know, I just.

Speaker 2 It is complicated. It's the most complicated time.
And, like, dude, you know, in our dad's time, it was like, there might have been like two hot ladies you knew of. That's it.

Speaker 2 You'd be like, damn, that lady's fucking hot.

Speaker 1 Well, we also have access to every woman on the planet. I mean, don't get, you know, don't forget 100, 200 years ago, you only knew the people in your village.

Speaker 1 So if you had, you know, hopefully you got the smoke show in your village. If you didn't, you settled for like the one like that kind of looked like her, but she had like a limp.

Speaker 2 For real, imagine if there's there's no babes from like birth to death.

Speaker 1 That's a reality people lived in.

Speaker 2 You never saw a babe.

Speaker 1 Zero babes unless you had babes in your village.

Speaker 2 Dude, a babe in a village was probably crazy.

Speaker 1 Do you know I read a thing, I forgot, it wasn't in a book. It might have, it was like an article where sex, like how we've kind of like made sex like a sacred taboo thing.

Speaker 1 Like in the medieval times, like.

Speaker 1 that was sex was because it was so animalistic like you would just watch your parents have sex and think of it as like you know your dad's doing push-ups or something something.

Speaker 1 Like, it was just a thing that mom and dad did. They had sex, full bushes, and then you would have sex.
You would have sex like in front of your wife's family.

Speaker 1 Like, it wasn't a thing that was taboo at all. I mean, to consummate kings and queens' marriages, they would have sex in the bed, and

Speaker 1 the wedding party would stand around the bed and just watch this girl get fucked.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. Dude, and there's so many fascinating things in history.
I read this thing. There's this book called Fucking History.
This guy

Speaker 1 wrote it. He calls himself the Captain.
He's a great author. Kyle Creek is his real name, but it's Kyle the Captain Creek.
Dude, he wrote this book, Fucking History.

Speaker 1 It's like one-page things where he talks about like

Speaker 1 something from history, but then kind of gives like a modern spin on it. It's a fascinating thing.
I would read like a page a day. I love this guy.

Speaker 1 And so I read this book about, I read one of these pages about France, like maybe, you know, 1600, maybe 1500s, France had this thing called,

Speaker 1 you know, obviously you can't divorce. You could, divorce was like unheard of.
Guys would just kill their wives.

Speaker 1 So, but this one town in France they have where like, you know, they're like, you know what, let's do divorce court. They're like, if this lady, you really want a divorce lady? Okay.

Speaker 1 So they would say, the only way we'll ever grant you a divorce is if your husband can't procreate. If he can't get it up and he can't fuck you, basically, then we're, you're good.

Speaker 1 So what they would do is you would file for divorce and then you would have to go to divorce court.

Speaker 1 And at divorce court, you would come out, you and your husband would come out and there'd be a row of judges and like noble elites and you'd, you'd have to basically bang your wife.

Speaker 1 And if you couldn't come in an allotted time they grant her a divorce that's why imagine if you jerked off that morning and you're just like fuck I know it was today

Speaker 1 yeah or you're just

Speaker 1 damn yeah and then you're just gonna get divorced but here's the

Speaker 1 but the caveat was you could divorce your wife but then like once she was like once she was like not your property anymore you could just kill her with no repercussions

Speaker 1 yeah you could just murder her like out in the field could you fake a cream pie though in court be like oh

Speaker 1 no no they did it has to be like like let's see no they no 100 they had people would check to see if that shit's dripping out and you could be like no i swear i did she's got a watch a deep pussy

Speaker 1 i let it fly dude come back in nine months i promise

Speaker 2 i know all that bush to get through oh dude it's like a stern judge just scowling at you

Speaker 1 just with his wig on just to look at you're trying to fuck your mean wife yeah who wants to leave you who wants to leave yeah so it's like it's crazy how you know the world used to be man yeah that's out of control yeah yeah yeah they had to make it sacred because it's just so important though because then having sex leads to creating life and if life's created willy-nilly then like no one's taking care of the kids it just becomes like a fucked up situation and at that point it's like dude you need to have kids because i need people on the farm i need people in the army we're trying to take over holland and whatever other country

Speaker 1 you know we got to do shit so like we need you to start pumping out those babies and i kind of get how like back in the day if you know a woman couldn't you know produce a baby they're like well she's a witch let's burn her like

Speaker 1 get her out of here we don't want any of this. We don't want the other women.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they were a huge drain on the economy. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you didn't work. So it's like, if you couldn't produce a kid, people would be like, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Did you ever read that thing about the Salem witch trials where like scientists have went back and think that it was because of a weed that was growing? Do you ever see that?

Speaker 2 It's like ergot. It's like ergot.
It was like a mold. I think ergot's what you make LSD from, but it's like a mold that was in there and it fucked every whole town.

Speaker 1 Every, the whole town, it fucked the witches. I was scared about that.

Speaker 2 I think about that. I'm like, dude, that could happen.

Speaker 1 That would be terrible. Because why couldn't that happen today? I mean, and you just wouldn't know about it.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, like a little, dude, we might, we probably start tripping every now and again off like food supply stuff. Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, have you ever like, you know, like, I've, I gotta really into like intermittent fasting, which I got to start.

Speaker 1 I kind of kind of leaned back off now because I posted a video of me the other day trying to promote my shows in Texas and all you fuckers told me I had small calves and I looked and they kept telling me that I skipped leg day and I'm too skinny.

Speaker 1 I have a big head. Fuck you, dude.
It's like, it's like you're damned if you damn, I'm trying to get healthy here and like you're still shitting on me. I bulked.

Speaker 2 I like started lifting and eating a lot. And then someone hit me with a comment: like, when the bulk becomes a Hulk, and I, like, I was for real, like, I got like a real pot belly.

Speaker 1 Like, I got fat still right now, but you look, it's gone.

Speaker 2 I did a two-day fast. I got rid of it.
I got crushed. I was like bulking, bulking, and then I just, I was like, oh, damn it, I'm fat.
So I had to like bulk it. I got up to like 196, and that's like a

Speaker 2 half for me. I'm like 186 now.

Speaker 1 Oh, 10 pounds makes a difference. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, you got the back. That's what it's like.

Speaker 1 Do you do a lot of back? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I do a lot of, I do a lot of lifting, a lot of back, all that stuff.

Speaker 1 So you lift heavy when you lift? Not too crazy.

Speaker 2 I don't lift heavy, but I just kind of like focus on

Speaker 2 just like focus on like the exact muscle group. So I don't want to like straight, like hurt myself.
Right. But it's all time under tension.
The weight doesn't matter that much.

Speaker 1 We were talking about that yesterday. You rather have Joe DeRosa, we were in his apartment yesterday, and he goes, he goes, yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't go to the gym. I just work out here.
I was like, okay, what do you do? He goes, three times a week, I do 40 push-ups, 40 curls, and 40 squats. I was like, like sets of 40.

Speaker 1 He goes, no, I just do four. I do, I do four sets of 10.
I was like, are you an old lady?

Speaker 1 like what what he's he's working out from like a guy from like 1942 he said he told me he goes he goes i have no desire to have an a plus body i'm happy with a c minus body yeah i just don't want it to be a d or an f so that's what he does like that's what he does but but but we were telling him like dude you only have 20 pound dumbbells i was like if you just changed that to forget about the number and you just did one minute like slow curls time under tension you'd be a fucking monster yeah but he's like i don't want to do it yes yeah i'm like if you took you you take 45 minutes to do this bullshit but if you took 15 minutes and just did the time or detention, you have a better workout and less time.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know people who do that, the same thing.

Speaker 2 They always have those weights filled with sand.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm like, what are you doing? No, but that's yesterday.
We went to the gym and I was just doing like six seconds down. Hold it for two and then explode up.
And I was doing that. Fucking sick.

Speaker 1 That's all you need to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you don't need to. I don't need to do heavy weight because I end up hurting myself.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Time or detention.
That's the move. Yep.
What the hell was it? What we were talking about something before that, though. I was going to tell you.

Speaker 2 I saw the witch trial and them hitting, like, eating the bread that fucked them up.

Speaker 1 Eating the bread that fucked them up. But then there was something else.
Damn it. And then we started talking about the gym.

Speaker 2 Fucking, yeah, fucking in front of the judge.

Speaker 1 Fucking in front of the judge. But there was something I think we were going to talk about with the witch trials that I thought.
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't remember.

Speaker 2 I don't remember. Yeah, you were saying we can kill women.
If a woman divorces you, you can kill her.

Speaker 1 Right, kill her.

Speaker 2 Witch trials. We just got into getting a pump.
We got two enthusiasts.

Speaker 1 Dude, we got it. I know.

Speaker 1 Did you work out yet today? No.

Speaker 2 I took two days off. So I had a stomach virus and then like it just crushed my appetite, obviously.
And then I, the day after, I didn't, I didn't eat for two straight days.

Speaker 1 Zero. Were you puking or shitting?

Speaker 2 I didn't puke or shit, but it felt like I had a puke. Okay.
So it was like, I held it in. I hate throwing up, dude.

Speaker 2 I will not, I will go like, so I just laid there like supremely nauseous for like a day, then fasted the whole next day. So I did like a 48-hour fast.

Speaker 2 And then like, but I know you're supposed to like, you know, break it in softly. I just fucking like pigged on like fucking like potatoes.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 2 With like queso. I just, I shouldn't have done it.
And then my stomach was fucked up from that for like two days. Of course.

Speaker 1 Dude, so I lost like 10 fucking.

Speaker 2 You haven't eaten in like a week, really.

Speaker 1 I haven't had a lot of food in like about a week. But now you're going to fuck shit up today, though.

Speaker 2 Today, I'm going to fuck shit up. Actually, no, I have to do several podcasts today.
But tomorrow, dude, actually, I got to fly tomorrow, dude.

Speaker 2 Thursday afternoon, I'm going to absolutely fuck shit up.

Speaker 1 Where are you going this weekend?

Speaker 2 Cleveland. No, yeah, I'm going to Hilarities Cleveland.
I love Hilarities.

Speaker 1 You've been there before, right? No. No, it's the first time.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is your first time on the road going through everything, pretty much. Like headlining on your own.

Speaker 2 Pretty much. This is the first.
I started

Speaker 2 like last year. Yeah.
Because I did a whole stretch of shows and then I did that one special. So this is like, I'm still, there's still a lot of clubs that are new to me.
So yeah.

Speaker 1 Hilarities is awesome, man.

Speaker 2 I heard it's really good.

Speaker 1 Dude, you talk about eating. You want to some of the best comedy club food in the country, dude.
Brick oven pizzas. They bring out the, yeah, the owner's great.
There's Sam, Nick.

Speaker 1 The food that they bring out is old school Greek guy. Oh, that's good.
They fucking bring out whatever you want, dude. It's amazing.
And it's got like the beautiful comedy club.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, balcony. And then they got like a cabaret room in the back.

Speaker 1 That's one of those clubs. Like whatever you want, they'll hook it up.
I'm excited.

Speaker 2 I'm excited.

Speaker 1 Good people. And then you stay at the hotel you stay at.
You're probably

Speaker 1 staying at the hotel that the comedy club gives you. I think so.
Dude, it's like an indoor, it's like the first indoor arcade, like what they used to call like a mall, I think, in America.

Speaker 1 So like you're, it's one of those hotels where like you open up like your door, but you're like inside, like on this elevated, like you can like look down in like an indoor courtyard.

Speaker 1 It's, it's a sick hotel. That's awesome.
But it's crazy. When you go to Cleveland, you'll see like the block where the comedy club is and where your hotel is is there's three blocks.

Speaker 1 I think it's called East 4th Street. That is all of Cleveland.
And then everywhere else, it's like, there's nothing happening at all. It's just crack everywhere.

Speaker 1 But that block where you are, that's all you got to do.

Speaker 2 I was in Indianapolis. I stayed across the street from the Pacers Arena.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Fever arena as well. Yeah.
And then it was just that little square. And the rest of it, I was like, damn.

Speaker 1 Indianapolis is one, like, you know, I love any American city, but that's one of those ones where I'm like, you know what, guys? Like, I I don't know, dude. I've been here a couple of times.

Speaker 1 Every time it kind of just feels worse and worse for me. And I just, I don't know, man.
Like, if it comes up on the schedule, I'm like, I'll do it, but it's got to be quick. It's got to be quick.

Speaker 1 You got to just get me in there, get me in. If the show's at seven, get me on a 6 p.m.
flight. We'll land.
We'll do it. We'll get out.
I got to do it like a fucking bombing run.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is. It is.
It does have kind of a depressing vibe.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Especially if you're used to like a booming metropolitan area. Like, just the food options and stuff.

Speaker 2 That's kind of, you know, I don't want to snob on people's town, but it's like, no, yeah, but I will because I am a snob about that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2 But yeah, you get there and you're like, dude, this is your Uber Eats.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come on, bro. Like, yeah.

Speaker 2 Someone opened one fucking restaurant.

Speaker 1 Dude, dude, Steve Ciccone Rice Roni last night. Uh, Ubert Eats something.
What was the place called? Jew Jew Burger? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Jew boy burger.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then Jew Boy Burgers, they dropped the burgers off in the wrong elevator shaft to this kid had to get fucking Wendy's.
What?

Speaker 1 Where did that Jew boy leave the burgers?

Speaker 1 The Jews fucked you on your burgers? Yeah. Dude, they were like,

Speaker 2 the Jews control the burgers in Austin. You can say that for sure.

Speaker 1 So you've had Jew boy burgers?

Speaker 2 I haven't had it yet. But you've heard of it.
Yeah, I'm waiting for the whole stuff to settle down in the Middle East.

Speaker 2 I've heard of it. I haven't had it yet.

Speaker 1 Dude, but that's what a crazy name. I guess the owner's Jewish.
I mean, that'd be funny if it's a Palestinian guy that owns it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's got to be. It's got to be a Jew boy.

Speaker 1 Jew boy burgers. Yeah, interesting.
I've heard they're good.

Speaker 2 Unless they're hitting you with that kosher shit. Because Cause like you can't have cheese, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think you can.

Speaker 2 I went to a kosher burger place one time. I didn't know what kosher was, and I was like, yeah, fire me up a burger.
He's like, yeah, we can't do cheese.

Speaker 2 And I was kind of like, yeah, bro, this is what people are talking about.

Speaker 1 Dude, I know. Dude, well, like, a lot of times, like, growing up in New York and like Brooklyn area, it's like, you know, we have the Hasidic Jewish population.

Speaker 1 Like, most people don't even know like what that, like, there's a wild population. Like, they're their own kind of group.
They don't let anybody in or out.

Speaker 1 They're kind of like the Amish, but like just Jewish people, like running around. Like, there's parts of Brooklyn, like huge parts of Brooklyn that like

Speaker 1 none of us, if you're not Hasidic Jew, you've never seen it and you can't go in. It's like kind of wild.
Like you didn't grow up around any Hasidic Jews in Philly. No way.
No.

Speaker 1 No, we've got them everywhere, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we didn't really have, I grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia and I for real didn't know Jewish people existed until I was in college.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like I didn't, people were like, oh, the Jews, and I was like,

Speaker 1 what are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like Jewish people.
And I'm like, what?

Speaker 1 What are you saying? What does that mean?

Speaker 2 I thought they were in the Bible. I didn't know.
Like when I saw, and I was like, oh, shit, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And it's kind of funny, like the, you know, kind of subtle racism racism that like the old school people would have.

Speaker 1 Like, I remember grandpa, like, you know, I remember like we would like always like go like on the BQE, Brooklyn Queens Expressway.

Speaker 1 We would always like go, you know, like this one route where he would like take side streets and then get on the highway and get off.

Speaker 1 And I remember one time I asked him, I was like, why do you, why don't we just like stay on the highway? He's like, I mean, so why do we get off those side streets?

Speaker 1 And he was like, oh, because if I stayed on the highway, then it makes you get off. And then you got to go through the Hasidic Jewish neighborhood.
And we don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 So I was just like, what?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It was like, just didn't want to see it. He was like, yeah, I'm not driving through that.
That's their neighborhood. And I'm like, do you not? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I kind of almost felt like, you know, like, do you hate them?

Speaker 1 Are you scared of them? Like, what is it? But it is.

Speaker 2 You all just didn't fuck with each other. When they first came here, it was very much like.

Speaker 2 That's your people. These are my people.

Speaker 1 Well, that's how they live. And with the Hasidic Jewish population,

Speaker 1 it's not that we're racist again. They don't want us involved.
So they hate us.

Speaker 1 They do not want you even around them. Well, it kind of crushes their vibe.
Right.

Speaker 2 Because if you're like, you know, if you're not wearing the clothes, I would feel kind of dumb. I'd like to figure out.
I know, dude.

Speaker 1 Well, they look exactly the way they dress is how they dressed 100 years ago. It's like the same.
That's kind of dope.

Speaker 1 Like, you could just drop in, like, you know, 200 years from now, we're going to look like fucking idiots. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 But, but, like, it'd be cool if like we dropped in 200 years later and we kind of have the same shit going on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, froze like jeans in a t-shirt. It's like, this is what we're doing.
This is what it is, dude. From now on, yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm still just sitting here bawling out to fucking Daryl and Oates.

Speaker 2 Well, dude, I don't want to hold you up, man.

Speaker 1 1045 already?

Speaker 1 How long did we do?

Speaker 1 Hour, two. Hours.
Look at that. We're ripping.
I'm looking the hair, dude. The hair looks clean.
It looks great, man. Dude,

Speaker 1 your fans are going to shit on me. They're not.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'll fucking fist fight any one of these fans. Talk shit about my hair.

Speaker 1 Come to any of my shows, check my schedule, ChristieComedy.com, and fucking say it to my face and fight me at the meet and greet.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Thanks for doing this, bro. Thank you, bro.

Speaker 1 I appreciate it, man. Thank you.