Ep 520 - Thailand Rickshaw (feat. Ari Matti)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 I'm up early, bro. I got little kids.
Seven? Yeah. On a good day.
Seven's like sweet. If I sleep until 7 a.m., I'm

Speaker 1 like, that was great. Were you like that younger? Yeah, I was always kind of a morning person.

Speaker 1 Really? Dude, never even... Yeah.
Never even fathomed. Really? Dude, today, wake up at 11.

Speaker 1 If I have to wake up at 11, I go to the toilet, I take a shit like this, and I spit between, and I feel like my hair is hurting. I feel like I'm going to the mines.
I mean the grind.

Speaker 1 I have to listen to like Joco Willick to get here. Damn.
Well, are we firing? Who's going to carry the boats? Oh, we're rolling. Damn, well, you guys just caught some natural conversation.

Speaker 1 Now let's turn on the juice.

Speaker 1 Damn, hold on. Okay, so you're saying anything before? Have you always been like that? You've always been.

Speaker 1 And listen, society has tried to keep me down for all my life. School tried to keep me the fuck down.

Speaker 1 What time does your school start?

Speaker 1 We started like eight o'clock in the morning i think i think now it's a little earlier i used to do eight eight twenty three was the exact time grades catholic grade school

Speaker 1 damn yeah we did eight eight thirty ish and i'll tell you in high school

Speaker 1 i was in school before 10 maybe seven times really

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 like when you miss a class you would get like a mark on your card you know what happens mine was uh oh three was supposed to be you get expelled that's that's the bullshit they got three lateness?

Speaker 1 Yeah, three,

Speaker 1 like late, like missing a class, not late.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. That's the that's whatever rule they wanted to give us.
And this is, where is this? This was in the mother country, right? This is in the mother, in the motherland,

Speaker 1 Estonia, correct?

Speaker 1 Estonia, yes.

Speaker 1 So you bucked the Estonian school system. You didn't go.

Speaker 1 So I had 700 and after high school, 10, 11, 12th grade, I had 768. I missed like one-third of the whole high school experience.
I'll be out for like two weeks. I just didn't feel like it.

Speaker 1 I've always been a vibe guy, you know? Yeah. But I talked to the teachers.
They all loved me. Even the principal, every time I went in, he was a karate.
He used to be a karate instructor.

Speaker 1 He got expelled.

Speaker 1 The principal in my school got expelled from his last school because he used to be the PE teacher and he slapped the shit out of my kid. Did he really?

Speaker 1 Boom! He did. Out for six years, did some politics.
got back as principal.

Speaker 1 That's how principals get in. It's politics, you know.
Yeah, I never understood that, How like principals come to power? Yeah, it's always like

Speaker 1 through politics and shit. You gotta hit it.
And he loved me. Whenever we talked, he was like, man, you're crazy.
You know, I'm like, I know.

Speaker 1 And then we talked about karate. His son was in the karate tournament.
And he would play VHS tapes of his son fighting.

Speaker 1 And then I would just go back to school. And all the teachers are like, you gotta go to the principal's office.
I'm like, sure, more karate riffs. Damn, man.

Speaker 1 How's your morning going? You seem, you seem like you're rushing, bro. You seem high strong.
Right now? Yeah. Yeah, I had like two coffees and just woke up.
But I'm always like this. They know me.

Speaker 1 True, yeah, you're true.

Speaker 1 You rip hard. I know.
And then everybody thinks I'm on Coke. Everybody's like, dude.
I don't think you're on Coke. I would never accuse you of that.
People always think I'm on Coke.

Speaker 1 I don't think you're on Coke. I've got to get accused of being on steroids, so I feel your pain.
Fuck yeah. I'm telling you, people think I'm on steroids all the time.

Speaker 1 Right now, I'm on a 48-hour fast, so obviously I've shrunk down. Oh, you fast? Yeah, 48 hours, bro.

Speaker 1 Thank you, bro. I discovered it when I was

Speaker 1 in my 30s. Really? Fast shit.

Speaker 1 This is my longest one. I've never been.

Speaker 1 I do 16s and 8s. I'm going to kill that.
Yeah, that's too much. Intermittent.

Speaker 1 This will be 48, 16. Did you do water fast when no water? Have you done those? No.
Yes, actually, I tried for one day and I got a pretty big headache. Very big headache.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to try it on stage. Dude, get.

Speaker 1 I understand for a civilian, a water fast is possible. If I'm having an anxiety panic attack before doing sunset

Speaker 1 on a water fast? I'm going to be parched. Yeah, true.
And if I'm parched,

Speaker 1 do shit on stage. Yeah, if I smoke weed and do do stand-up, it's kind of a nightmare.
The whole time I'm like

Speaker 1 just dry mouth.

Speaker 1 Parched as fuck. I hate that shit.
So what's up, dude? What have you been up to? Thanks for doing the cast, man. Of course, no worries.
I've been just chilling, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but okay, so when you get up, what the fuck do you do at seven?

Speaker 1 I don't even know there's life. I leave my family, dude.
I wake up.

Speaker 1 How old are you? 32. Oh, yeah, you know.

Speaker 1 I wake up, I leave my family, I go, guys, it's another day. God bless you.
Do you judge guys like me? Tell me honestly. Like, actually, when you hear me telling that, do you judge me honestly?

Speaker 1 No, it's, I think a lot of people. Society's been keeping me down, and I'm done.

Speaker 1 I think a lot of comedians get caught up in the mythos of being like, I don't, I go to sleep. I wake up at four in the afternoon.
It's like, if I wake up, you don't wake up at 8 a.m.

Speaker 1 But how do you do this? You wake up at 7. Yeah.
You have a spot. 11.40.
I don't do them. Where you got to fight for your life? I don't do them.
Or

Speaker 1 fuck you. Or I do.
Or I do. I've been chilling on them.
Or I'll

Speaker 1 just do it. And I'll just suck it up.
And I'll wake up early.

Speaker 1 How tired are you, though? Tired all the time. I'm aging rapidly right now.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah.
Keep them coming.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm aging rapidly. And, you know, I'm like genuinely falling apart.
But you just do it. How old are you? Like 38.
50s.

Speaker 1 No. 38.
I was kidding. You always started with the 50s.
Yeah, that's a good one.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. So, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
So maybe you're not that tough. Maybe you're also nocturnal like me.
Dude, I'm sharp at 1 a.m. I'm sharp.

Speaker 1 I'm a morning person. I'm made to lift stones at 7 a.m.
till 3 and just go to bed. Maybe shake my wife up a little bit.

Speaker 1 Maybe have some excitement. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you done about doing like shows at 1 p.m.? That could be a huge

Speaker 1 part. That could be a huge one.
I think about it all the time. And whenever I've done those shows, even at Skank Fest, I had like a 1 p.m.
spot, full panic.

Speaker 1 Dude, I have to go alarm clock. I mean, I'm up until 7 a.m.
in the casino. So the alarm clock goes off, like, you know, like the spot was at 1, 12:45.

Speaker 1 Fully hungover. Yeah.
Just

Speaker 1 literally on stage, dude. I look like, if you think I look like ass right now, I don't think you look like ass.
I see your eyes. This entire two-hour preparation process.

Speaker 1 Shower, whoo, shave. What were you doing last night? Were you partying hard or like?

Speaker 1 I went to bed like I went to bed like four.

Speaker 1 And I've tried that too. When you know, when people go to bed earlier, you know what happens when I go to bed earlier? Well, I get 14 hours of sleep.

Speaker 1 So I don't care. Whatever.

Speaker 1 This is magic. I can be up till 9.
I'll be up by 1.

Speaker 1 Or I can go to bed at 12. I'll be up by 1.
Yeah, I don't know. I never struggle with that.
A lot of comedians I know stay up till like 4 in the morning. I'm like, why? Just go to bed.

Speaker 1 Just go to sleep, man.

Speaker 1 Because you're never doing anything good.

Speaker 1 Go to sleep. Have you seen the new Vince McMahon? Man, Doc, go to sleep.
Dude, I watched all of it. That's true.
Yeah, left to my own devices.

Speaker 1 Now, now you say that, left to my own devices, I struggle to fall asleep. You need a wife to just kind of

Speaker 1 be like,

Speaker 1 and that's what I was getting to. I did have a little missus for a bit.
Did you really? And a quality of my life. Dude, I haven't slept in like nine months.
Like, slept. You know, I had a

Speaker 1 healthy, what is that? Anorexia system? What's the system? Circuitian rhythm. Anorexia system.

Speaker 1 That was pretty close.

Speaker 1 It's like they decorate that system. Your body is lotioned.
Your life is just better.

Speaker 1 So I get that. Like, yeah, yeah, you have good creams and the proper.
Dude, my skin has been itchy for 13 years because I always use the 7-in-1

Speaker 1 fucking shower gel. It's meant for cars.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like the conditioner, shampoo, all that stuff. Yeah, it's like the 7-in-1.
My friend used to have a joke about the 7-in-1.

Speaker 1 It's $1, blah, blah, blah, blah, everything, and everything itches, and it's uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 My underwear got better when you find gold because look at your underwear, like even now, I have the HM one, five bucks for three, dude.

Speaker 1 Asshole itchy, and they're all up in my dick right now, super uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do that, they get in there and they kind of you know, mix up your regimen a little bit, get you nicer undies, nicer socks, yeah, yeah, so I do get that sleep and getting up early, being more productive.

Speaker 1 Women do that, they just make us, you know, like, yeah,

Speaker 1 it really takes another person

Speaker 1 next to you to wake up who looks at you like you animal to get you moving. You do, you need someone to hear your farm.
I'm just fucking a little in my bed. La la la la la la la 4 a.m.

Speaker 1 watching Wins for Ben.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, that's fair, though. It is tough to go to bed.

Speaker 1 If my wife leaves,

Speaker 1 you're right. I don't fall asleep till kind of later.
But still, you got to get the early wake-up, dude. You can't have no business waking up at 12 o'clock in the afternoon.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, 11 for me is like I have to be in that 300 mindset. I'm going to war.

Speaker 1 I can do 11.

Speaker 1 Do you just just have like a headache and stuff? Dude.

Speaker 1 Headache. Dude.

Speaker 1 This morning, even.

Speaker 1 Just fucking. Ah, dude, this is bad, yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn, dude. I'm sorry to hear that.
No, no, no, but it's hard. And then you get to stay out till four in the morning.
See, I'm asleep. I don't, I can't do the four in the morning.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because, yeah, if I would try, because I've tried civilian stuff. Like, I had a job.
Like, you know, 9 a.m. You gotta be there.

Speaker 1 Even if I'm there at 9 a.m., you're not. Dude, comedian's a job.
I don't know why. Comedian is the same.
It's the same as being like a bricklayer. It's just a job.
Yeah. Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 It's not a big deal.

Speaker 1 It's like being a musician. It's like, just a thing.
Yeah, for sure, for sure. The American professionalism.
Exactly, man. Yeah.
I might carry a briefcase. I might start keeping a real business.

Speaker 1 And tell me this. You also feel, right? I don't feel like there's a huge distinction.
I think comedians self-romanticize their existence.

Speaker 1 Oh, 100 it's just a job that's what i was getting to is that also when you have a fucking you're a real man you have kids you have kids right yeah yeah by the way daughters i'm not a real man though i just have daughters

Speaker 1 by the way

Speaker 1 by the way the chicks in the green room at creek and the cave i noticed there was a seven to one like dude chick ratio it was me and chicks so i started asking them questions wait so all chicks are all dudes all chick comedians

Speaker 1 so i started asking them questions like who's the hot you know yeah who's the hot you know you're the number one guy oh yeah because they they go like, fucking, because they go like, he has a wife, you know, like he's a real man.

Speaker 1 So you're saying, and they say you're cute, but the fact you have a wife and

Speaker 1 whatever. Oh, they like the, yeah, they like to see you're married, I guess.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because they want to just like kill your wife and just take her spot, basically. Exactly.
Take over your kids and everything. That's all they want.
Yeah, they want to be in a house with kids.

Speaker 1 I'm not, I'm not being like a dickhead. I think women have like a biological instinct to like.
And also, most of the chicks in the green room, they were like in their 30s, my age.

Speaker 1 So that's when the pussy starts starts looking for companionship. You know, the pussy's like, what's it's at?

Speaker 1 You know? Yeah. No, that makes sense.
Yeah, they start to want the domestic life.

Speaker 1 Although, I feel like they feel like they're, I think there's a big pressure against not wanting that, though. Although,

Speaker 1 I really think the way birds build nests, I think women have a desire to like, I swear to God, it's like an in when a women get pregnant, dude, there's a thing. It's a, oh, what is it called? The

Speaker 1 birds, I love that. It's a nesting reflex.
Well, literally, that's what it's called. When women get pregnant, they go through their house and frantically start like moving shit around.

Speaker 1 They prepare for the baby. Yeah, they fix everything.
Yeah. Great.
They like organize the closet. Our closets got changed around.
You have to just let them do their thing.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, I feel even women are in their 30s, man. It's, you know, they really.

Speaker 1 Have you dated women who are like pieces of shit themselves?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, bro.

Speaker 1 That's a bad one. See, if you have a bad woman, they can.
My grandfather used to say, there's nothing worse than a drunk woman. Nothing worse than a drunk woman.

Speaker 1 He was like, dude, and he drank beer all day every day, but he was like, there's nothing worse than a drink.

Speaker 1 That's the last thing in the world you want. Dude, honestly,

Speaker 1 it's kind of right. Yeah.
Because you don't want, if you have a woman dragging you down, you'll go so far. They're supposed to drag you out of your own

Speaker 1 depravity. Because we're already down there.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 I didn't need another. Dude, when I would date, yeah, sometimes date like female comedians or something.
It's always just me and her on a couch, Uber Eats.

Speaker 1 Nobody's waking up. Everybody has terrible sleep.
No bills are getting paid. We're late for everything.
Yeah, true. It's a bad thing.

Speaker 1 I've never dated a female comedian. She's because I remember my ex had like a scam.

Speaker 1 Her dad lives in Australia. So she lived in Australia for a bit and then started scamming herself, like the unemployment there.
But

Speaker 1 she lived in Bali. She lived in America.

Speaker 1 She would just make the calls and cry like,

Speaker 1 get a job once a month, you know. To her dad.
No, no, the fucking

Speaker 1 agency or whoever. Oh, she would call Australia.
The

Speaker 1 they're they're such wholesome people that are like how are you doing today you know yeah well dude i think what you're saying is totally true though i feel like the dude's default setting is at exactly where a woman on heroin's default setting is in terms of like what they would do for sex i think you're totally right it's like a woman on heroin looks at sex the way like a regular guy looks at it yeah they'll like meet you in a back alley and be like yeah fuck you yeah so you're right about that You can't have a woman.

Speaker 1 If you have a woman with loose morals, it's just mad. Because I'm already like the monkey in the relationship i'm dropping i'm running around yeah

Speaker 1 if you need a sweet angel you can't have like a nasty comic

Speaker 1 sweet

Speaker 1 nasty comic out there just in the streets ditch you at any second for

Speaker 1 you know name an actor and you know what the boys always go to he's changed you know when a guy gets

Speaker 1 into a relationship you know yeah the boys always go he's changed and then i look at the guy i'm like yeah his fucking color in his skin he's sleeping well always

Speaker 1 Always got a good smile. His riffs aren't toxic.

Speaker 1 He doesn't go straight to racism.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's a happy guy. Yeah, there is.
You're right. There's a movie.

Speaker 1 I remember.

Speaker 1 Hey, Sean, you want to go down the midsies for the seventh time this week?

Speaker 1 Talk about the same riffs because we both forgot.

Speaker 1 I'm doing your parts to you. You're doing mine to me.
It's just a loop. It's just a fucking Bill Murray movie every day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I forgot about that, man the bros always do it's like yeah bro you never come around anymore it's like do you ever see when do you ever see two like um bachelor guys living together but in their like 60s and 70s i glimpsed it once it was for real it freaked me out bro i used to be a bartender though my nightmare i would literally see it in my dreams with sweat

Speaker 1 i would see that i'm the 55 year old bartender with the suspenders you know where's the party

Speaker 1 i mean

Speaker 1 I feel like if you know, there's some guys who kill it, so some guys can pull it off.

Speaker 1 I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't do it. I fall apart.
Live in La Vira Loca. I know a guy who's like in his 60s, and he's like a cruise bartender now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, and he's pictures, he's just a pool, banging all these women, you know, because the cruise, you end up getting into a fight with your husband, you end up getting into a fight, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, you'll be in the night, and it's such a huge boat, so he's banging all these broads, Margarita. He's like 61.
Really? Yeah, he's like, I'm thinking of getting into a stand-up.

Speaker 1 She's writing me this, you know. Tell him to do it.
And he loves it, you know. This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter.
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Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some people can do that, man. Some people can do that.

Speaker 1 I was in an apartment of two six-year-old men who were like the one guy who rode a bicycle home from work and just like parked it in an apartment. I watched him and this other guy talk about pussy.

Speaker 1 And I was like, holy shit, dude. They should have been like handing out cookies out of like a tin can.
And they were just like, dude, it's fucking chick. Oh, I want some fucking pussy.

Speaker 1 And I was was like, I got to get out of here. This is

Speaker 1 crazy. Yeah.
That for real, that like freaked me out. In Australia, I lived with a guy, like, he was like 55.
I'm, dude, I'm like 21. And we met at the hostel.

Speaker 1 That's how we started splitting our life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, at the hostel, it's always like it's all 21-year-old German chicks, Irish dudes, everyone's sucking and fucking.

Speaker 1 There's always like one guy in the 16 dormitory with the fan.

Speaker 1 He could sleep with like 12 people. It's like, this is the beginning of our life, but it's the end of of his.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hostels. Have you ever stayed in a hostel?

Speaker 1 You're just in there with a room with 12 people, and it is a party. I went to one in Brazil.
It was a party. It was so fun.
So fun. It was just me.

Speaker 1 It was literally Irish dudes, Australian dudes, and German chicks are 100%. I met Ari Shafir in a hostel

Speaker 1 when I was in my first year of comedy. In Cambodia.
Really? Oh. What were you guys doing over there? Dude, I don't know.
I just saw him at the hostel. I was like, you're Ari Shafir.
How is Cambodia?

Speaker 1 I never went there before. I'm dying to go to Thailand.
Bro,

Speaker 1 you know, I lived in Thailand, right? Did you really?

Speaker 1 What was it? How long did you live there for? I did maybe

Speaker 1 I did like a 12-month stretch. You have to do those visa runs every three months.

Speaker 1 Then I did maybe another six.

Speaker 1 I was in Kuala Lumpur as well. That's when I started doing also comedy.
First time I went there, I didn't do comedy.

Speaker 1 You started doing comedy in Thailand? No, I started in

Speaker 1 Australia. So I did a year in Thailand, met my sweet baby Angel, met my sweet baby Angel, like a girl in a classic love story.
Did you buy her family like a pig?

Speaker 1 I've seen documentaries where you have to buy like

Speaker 1 Australia.

Speaker 1 I've seen documentaries. I'm not being disrespectful, but if you meet a woman in Thailand, you have to support their family and buy them like a pig.

Speaker 1 I've heard that. I know that's not true, but let's go.
I saw a documentary. Let's go with that narrative.
I saw a documentary. Yeah, let's go with that narrative.
I think it's a nice gift. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in Bangkok, yeah, in the metropolitan, but in Australia, so totally normal, just totally normal, yeah.

Speaker 1 So then we moved to Australia, I start comedy there, and then I go back to uh Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok and did comedy there for six months.

Speaker 1 So, uh, but in the first year, I was fully backpacker, maybe eight months in Copan, you know, it's the full moon party island. I did a lot of that.
Oh, I've heard about that, actually.

Speaker 1 But I'm not like a never did ecstasy or nothing. I did basically Thai boxing, smoked a lot of weed, and I just uh chilled fucking sick.
And you meet a lot of guys there, you know, like during COVID.

Speaker 1 I had a face. The horniest guys from around the world.
The horns guys in the vest.

Speaker 1 Dude, I was. You were in Thailand during COVID? No, yes, I went there at one pit.
Nice. Yeah, for a month.
So what was up with the guys in Thailand? What would you say? So like.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 You said they look like girls. The whole ladyboy thing is fascinating.
Really? Fascinating. There's a movie about

Speaker 1 Thai kickboxing, and

Speaker 1 a guy like a champion ends up in jail, and he has to fight in jail for like the to get free from jail but the whole thing is he falls in love with a Thai ladyboy

Speaker 1 yeah he meets in prison

Speaker 1 swear to god

Speaker 1 to be honest if I'm in prison with a ladyboy

Speaker 1 you throw the match two weeks throw the match two weeks I'm blowing this guy

Speaker 1 I'm serious like if you're a beautiful angel I'm blowing

Speaker 1 dude in uh I would um it would always be so fascinating I never went for it I was young I was hanging around at hostels.

Speaker 1 The expat community that bangs ladyboys, they're guys who are closer to your age. Yeah.
That's when you start having actual liberation. Been there, done that, yeah.
Because you start dying.

Speaker 1 And you're like, if I'm not going to bang a dude with a wig, when am I? You know? True. But when you're young, I'm not so sexually free.
So

Speaker 1 after you have the family, you're like been there, done that. So you can't let go of the social norms that I've been, you know, I'm also Eastern European.

Speaker 1 European, so for me British dudes my age would just be like, uh, Rolf Night,

Speaker 1 yeah, you know,

Speaker 1 and you're saying in Eastern Europe, it's not, you don't fucking literally like I knew this guy. I met him at a hostel.
It's the first time he's buying Coke, he's doing it in a 16-dorm.

Speaker 1 There's like a family there doing bad, you know, it's like a bad city, just like a cheap hostel.

Speaker 1 He's like railing coke, and he just would disappear into the night, dude, and he would he would go get on a tuk-tuk, you know, and tell the guy, take me around take me around oh my little thing they carry not not the carrier with the motor with the motor oh okay my bad yeah the fun fun fun stuff i thought he had like a rickshaw i'm like dude get it taking a rickshaw to a ladyboy is no

Speaker 1 that's where i do that they do call it rickshaws but it's with this small engine and you're in the back yeah you're like james bond but it was like six but then one of them having a guy carry you like in a wheelbarrow

Speaker 1 but then uh and the rickshaw was a ladyboy and so he's driving around looking for hookers, but it's like 6 a.m. They all went to bed or it's the worst ones.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So he just looks at the ladybug and goes, I don't know what my drive, you know? Yeah. And he comes back and he can shake it off.
And he was just, you know, he's like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Oh, fucking Thailand. You know, he's like.

Speaker 1 But Eastern European, if you went back to Estonia and were like, mom, dad,

Speaker 1 meet, you know. Now, I wouldn't give off flying fuck, dude.
Yeah, but

Speaker 1 it's a little more strict. It's a little more strict.
I'm just not interested, but if it happened, I don't give a fuck, dude. I knew 12,

Speaker 1 whatever. I knew 12 at mothership on Monday, dude.
If I would bang a ladyboy, dude, imagine the bit. True.
The bit would be so sick.

Speaker 1 Coming through a guy, you know, you come in his ass and he comes on the floor.

Speaker 1 It was just so funny, you know. It is funny to be full of stony and like fucking British guys and

Speaker 1 I'm like, whole time if I bang the dude, you know? I'd just be like, this is so wild, dude.

Speaker 1 It would be laughing. I would have no issues, dude.
Eight hours sleep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. Yeah, literally.
I'm not that guy.

Speaker 1 I knew a guy.

Speaker 1 Ladyboy would keep you in bed. They'd be like, come on, bedtime.

Speaker 1 Bedtime, you go, yes, ma'am. I also knew a guy.

Speaker 1 I also knew a guy in Estonia. He came back and he was all weird for a few months.
All weird.

Speaker 1 Then he eventually had to go to like therapy and then he started telling me. What happened?

Speaker 1 He even took a little rickshaw ride

Speaker 1 Took a little rickshaw this guy so this guy goes

Speaker 1 and he's like he's like He's like 25 years old So he's in this point in his life. I was also 25.
He was you know, it's the classic. It's the first girlfriend.

Speaker 1 They're loyal the first never even shared a kiss with another person. She's loyal to him.
It's that. But now they've been together since they were 15.

Speaker 1 They're classic, but 15 to 25, the growth you go as a person, it's just such a huge gap. Dude, if I meet you at 25 to 35, maybe I can handle that.

Speaker 1 But 15 to 25, so they're going to that rough phase where they don't know where it's going. They go to Thailand thinking it's going to fix things,

Speaker 1 thinking it's going to fix things. She's like, oh my god, the temples, you know, he's like, yeah, yeah, the temples.

Speaker 1 He's like, yeah, yeah, the temples.

Speaker 1 That's what happened.

Speaker 1 You know, they get into a huge fight. She throws a glass on the street.
One of those, like,

Speaker 1 a big fight in the relationship.

Speaker 1 They actually got back together. Okay.
But it's a big breaking point.

Speaker 1 And this dudes just goes into the night. You know, disappears for 48 hours.

Speaker 1 Hookers, guys, everyone gets it. A donkey got fucked.
He's not there.

Speaker 1 So he just went completely by.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And it helped their relationship. They're back together.
But when he came back, dude, this is fucking this look, you know. Really?

Speaker 1 Because he's so traumatized from all that Eastern European, toxic bullshit. Yeah.
And I remember when I heard about it, I just started laughing. I was like,

Speaker 1 how did everyone hear about it? He came back and finally got it. Finally, finally,

Speaker 1 he started drinking with us. He gets back.
I wasn't close friends with him, but I saw him at parties. So eventually he starts opening and he starts a little laughing about it.

Speaker 1 But when he told me i or when i heard about it i laughed like kicking my feet on the couch and when i saw him i'm like bro what for six months he was just weird i was like bro are you gay what's the issue like

Speaker 1 that should be bachelor parties by the way it should be you go out it should you your dudes take you out to have like a very gay experience and that way you come back and you can appreciate your wife you're like yeah man that is not for me And every person gets married, your whole family has to go out and have a gay experience.

Speaker 1 And Willow would live in Thailand. I would say, you got to shake that off.
You can't let that

Speaker 1 dude. He was just mad at him.
He was just mad at his girlfriend. He was just mad at his girlfriend.
And also, they're beautiful. It's her fault.
It's her fault.

Speaker 1 But there's also beautiful angels.

Speaker 1 True. Dude, they're beautiful angels.
The technology is only going to get better. If you go to a bar in Thailand and you see a chick that's

Speaker 1 like, you're like,

Speaker 1 you know, like CGI. Perfect.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was it hard to tell? Was it hard to tell for you? Is it really?

Speaker 1 You think all guys have a theory? Look at the hands. I'll see it.
I'll see the fucking apple.

Speaker 1 Dude, nothing. If they can cut the dong, guess what else they can cut? Perfect.
The apple.

Speaker 1 Everything's perfect. And the traditions from the transition from a Thai man to a girl.

Speaker 1 Easy sledding, yeah. For me, like an Eastern European, I have ugly man feet.

Speaker 1 True. It's not as easy for us.
Yeah, just this weird fucking... Look at these fucking features.

Speaker 1 I have soft Irish features. I might be able to become a beautiful woman, but

Speaker 1 So wa tell me about East uh Estonia. What is what's like where is it geographically? Where is Estonia?

Speaker 1 Next to Russia. Okay.
Is it under the sway of Russians' influence or is it more like UN? Like where is it? No, no, no, we're very NATO UN because

Speaker 1 geographically. Yeah.
Huh.

Speaker 1 Do Latvia wish that were us. Latvia is

Speaker 1 down with Russia. Latvia not far.
Latvia is is still in good. Lithuania good.
But if we go to like

Speaker 1 Kazakhstan, that geography. So you're on the east side of Russia.

Speaker 1 No, we're not that, but that geographical area, after the Soviet Union collapsed, they politically just sided with the Russians, which at the time, you know, this was the 90s.

Speaker 1 The European Union wasn't a slam dunk. The UN, NATO, that wasn't a slam dunk.

Speaker 1 So they sided with Russia. And we went, because we're closer to Sweden, Finland.

Speaker 1 Okay. And we would

Speaker 1 so and we would be

Speaker 1 there, Finnish, Swedish, fucking Norway, their economy would influence us positively too. Because Finnish guys would come over.
I see her. I see your act.

Speaker 1 So you got, you got, okay. I was, I thought you guys were like

Speaker 1 further on that little collection of countries near Russia. I thought like Georgia.
I didn't mean geographic. I just meant like.
No, you guys are, you're in a good spot, man.

Speaker 1 You're right below Finland.

Speaker 1 But dude, imagine like what Russians, like their C or KGB, could do to a small Eastern European country. Nobody would have any idea.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 They could fuck around and like they around all the time with us. Do they really? Yeah, there's all the time news.
Another spy, another fucking thing.

Speaker 1 But the Russian spies, dude, they have fucking, they're taking old notebooks. They don't have

Speaker 1 the oldest listening toys. Dude, whenever a Russian spy gets called, he literally has the wire here.
I'm like, dude, what the fuck? They're dressed like inspired. Fucking Kamala has an earring.

Speaker 1 Can't fucking figure it out. Yeah, Russian spies are still, you know, they're in the really.
Well, have you seen the Russian army? Have you seen their like They act like they have the coolest shit.

Speaker 1 They never have the coolest shit, dude.

Speaker 1 Have you seen,

Speaker 1 look at the Ukraine war, how there's footage, you know, when Russians they see a drone, dude, they're like, what the they're like minority to report, you know, they're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Because they have a Kalishnikov and a fucking pigeon, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they hold it down like they got the best missiles. So it's all bullshit.
I mean, a missile is a missile. That's true.
The way they get it to you is the problem. Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 1 So, okay, so you guys are not. Polition is the issue.

Speaker 1 So you're, you guys, I was curious about that because it's like I'm fascinated by Eastern Europe because I don't know anything about it.

Speaker 1 I know, yeah, because a friend of mine yesterday, I told him that I'm doing your podcast. He was like, you're a big history guy.

Speaker 1 Well, Shane's more of a big history guy.

Speaker 1 I do like history. Tim Dylan is a history guy.
He always comes up and says facts about Estonia to me that I don't know. He's like, oh, yeah, better watch out.
I'm like, watch out? What do I know?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm fascinated by it because there's so many little countries and it's like, dude, in school, they didn't teach us anything about Eastern Europe. It was just a place they'd be like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, what's good with it? Yeah, I don't mind, you know. I like it.

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Speaker 1 Guys, this is very important.

Speaker 1 If you live in Cleveland, Ohio, I'll be there through October 10th through October 10th. Or fuck.

Speaker 1 I shouldn't have fasted for 48 hours. I'll be there from October 10th through October 12th.
Hilarities Comedy Club, Cleveland, Ohio. Boston the Wilbur.
I believe that sold out. Thank you, Boston.

Speaker 1 Milwaukee Improv, October 24th to the 26th. That's huge.
And guys, here's the big ones. Please don't make me look like a loser.

Speaker 1 11:15,

Speaker 1 Capital One Hall, Tysons, Virginia. That's going to be a big one that I don't think people are too happy with the ticket sales as they currently are.
And 11:16, 2024, Town Hall, New York City.

Speaker 1 If I can't fill this place, I will fucking kill myself because it's one of the biggest cities in the world.

Speaker 1 So let me not make a fool of myself with the New York Comedy Festival, the very prestigious event. And also 11:29, 2024, a little out in the future.

Speaker 1 Irvine Improv, Irvine, California. Come on, man.
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Thank you, guys. MattMcCusker.com for tickets.

Speaker 1 And now a word from our deal, LaBros.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 Hello, it's me, LeMer. I have some shows.
October 9th, I'll be in Hilliam, Indianapolis at the Red Room. Come to that.
And then October 11th and 12th, I'll be in Janesville, Wisconsin.

Speaker 2 They gave me too many shows, so please come to that.

Speaker 2 Optimal Noctus, November 5th. Feud, October 17th.

Speaker 1 And, dude, please just check everything out.

Speaker 2 Sean Gardini.com, LeMerlee.fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you. What do you think about Tate coming over there? Andrew Tate? Yeah, he kind of started holding it down in Eastern Europe.
Dude.

Speaker 1 Dude. What do you think about Cobra Tate down there? Romania.
Dude, when I saw him on your mom's house, remember that was one of his big. Tate was on your mom's house? Andrew Tate.

Speaker 1 You know, that was his big break, right?

Speaker 1 You guys do know that, right? No? Yeah. I didn't know he was on it.
Tom Segura made everything bad happen.

Speaker 1 but uh they had him on yeah but that was the time when how long ago was that that was a while ago and in my head i was uh that was when he was doing the weird videos when he's in front of a chimney yeah talking about

Speaker 1 you know he's in front of a chimney talking they had him on that long ago yeah when he's sitting in front of a fire so for me it was a hundred when i see a clip like that i'm like it's a hundred percent a bit uh and it's like a character for sure yeah yeah and then it turns out this guy might be the president of the world now.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, he might get in trouble for sex trafficking.

Speaker 1 I mean, who hasn't sex trafficked? We're all, you know, we're all bad guys, you know. That's true.
I mean, that is true. Eastern European, you know, the definition of sex trafficking is true.

Speaker 1 Who hasn't, you know?

Speaker 1 Well, the definition is.

Speaker 1 We are sold.

Speaker 1 If you cross state lines with a girl and trick her into the reason why she's moving,

Speaker 1 but you're tricking. I mean, mean, exactly.
How easy is it, you know? Yeah, it's like moving from Pennsylvania to Delaware and being like, no, I'm just trying to chill.

Speaker 1 I'm just, that's technically sex trafficking. For sure, yeah.
So, yeah, it is, it's a hazy definition, but yeah, they got him on

Speaker 1 a couple counts. I don't know if they'll get him, though.

Speaker 1 It'll be terrible, dude. Is he in the Romanian court? I think so.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, he laughed at the Romanian. He was a chicken, dude.
He laughed at the Romanian.

Speaker 1 Sure, he's a little chicken. That was Andrew Tate's pride forwards before they came down with all the shit.
I don't know about that court.

Speaker 1 It ain't going to be the glove situation like OJ.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you think he'll get off. I think he'll get off too.
Oh, yeah, dude. Young thugs rock up with a Lamborghini.
Yeah, young thugs getting off. I don't, dude, do you think Diddy will get in trouble?

Speaker 1 I think he's like done. I think if he goes free, it'll be mass performance.

Speaker 1 What did he do? I don't even. I know the lotion.
I've seen the meme. Diddy was like grabbing guys' dicks, I think.
Who hasn't

Speaker 1 been?

Speaker 1 Apparently, he kept Cassie for 10 years. Tricked her, which, you know, tricking her.
Cassie who, the rapper? Cassie, yeah, she was like an RB lady. Not Cassidy.

Speaker 1 Cassidy was not molested by JDA, to my knowledge. But, yeah, he kept a girlfriend for 10 years and told her he was working on her album.
And it's coming out any day now.

Speaker 1 10 years. And was just making her do freak offs.

Speaker 1 The parties were like... Male prostitutes would have to have sex with her in front of everybody.
Really? She never got to do her album. She escaped.
Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like sexual assault, sex trafficking, drugs. Beat her up on camera.
Yeah, dude. Wait, wait, wait.
Did you see the video of him beating her ass? Really? In a hotel? You didn't see this?

Speaker 1 What? Dude, there's a video of him. Have you seen the guy where the football player knocks the fuck out of her?

Speaker 1 Ray Rice, yes. Dude.

Speaker 1 It's so brutal that it like shocks you.

Speaker 1 What, and I'm not, like I said, I'm not being disrespectful against Eastern Europe. Is it like...

Speaker 1 I'm genuinely curious, in terms of like pushing a woman around, is that totally off the table or is it like... Oh, bro we hit all of them really well we as a nation it's very bad

Speaker 1 it's very bad yeah it's very bad it's bad still it's like when they're trying to fix the like when you know when they're trying uh

Speaker 1 the lgbt things you know

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 we're still hitting them so really

Speaker 1 there's bigger issues you know yeah i guess would you say like what like big number trans people 50 is it like like is it for real like that

Speaker 1 it's bad yeah it's bad like all the older uh i have friends who are police officers they literally go like

Speaker 1 just every day you get to the kitchen the wife's on the kitchen the dude's hammered holding a knife whoa

Speaker 1 every day all day damn it was bad here too you just for you the cops don't even come the cops don't even come they're like oh someone's hitting a woman we have real to do

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 true although

Speaker 1 the cops don't come here yeah the cops don't come you know dude if i if my wife called and said i was beating her the cops they'd they grab my ass Oh, really? It's my greatest nightmare.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's had the cops just pull me out of my house. Absolutely.
I wouldn't have done it. I'm saying if she were to be like, he's hitting me and then just fucking sock herself.

Speaker 1 Your parents never got into a little scuffle? Not physical. Not that I saw.

Speaker 1 Mine was stepdad and mom. Bad.
Really? Bad. Stepdad was physical? Yeah.
What'd you do? You're fucked up. You're going to cry like a bitch.
I mean,

Speaker 1 we all would.

Speaker 1 Or the only thing, if you don't cry like a bitch, what you end up doing is killing your stepdad.

Speaker 1 For real. It's either

Speaker 1 it's all or nothing. Nobody likes to squares up.

Speaker 1 The dragon movie with Jet Lee, remember when he had little needles? I was like, How to get these fucking needles? I gotta get my stepdad.

Speaker 1 Dude, I was gonna. So, um, that's rugged.
Where's this guy now? But it's a dead, whole dead. Everyone's dead, you know.
Yeah, true. Yeah, yeah.
So, this stepdad's dead, for real. Everyone's dead.

Speaker 1 Everyone, your whole family's dead? Everyone's dead. Damn.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay.

Speaker 1 I love bringing it up.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking around?

Speaker 1 Are you fucking around? Is everyone? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, everyone's dead. Found out the real dad is actually not dead, but doesn't want to hear about it.
So

Speaker 1 your real dad's not dead. Turns out, yeah.
Big conspiracy plottist. Whenever Americans talk about family, oh, Thanksgiving, I always go, ask about my family.
Ask about.

Speaker 1 I'd like to talk about that if it's not too much of a source of money.

Speaker 1 So when you're a little child, a little boy, you know, I don't know if this is true, but I imagine, I imagine, if your biological dad hits your biological mother there's maybe it's not good for sure really bad for sure but maybe there's a system in our dna that kind of

Speaker 1 that kind of tells you like in ape in ape land

Speaker 1 in ape land things are good you know like you're right about that

Speaker 1 yes but a stepdad having a stranger coming into it it's worse stepdad is a dude yeah and you're in that age of you know when like testosterone is starting to be introduced your dick is getting a little interesting now, and you're starting to become a man, and then another guy enters the picture and is violent.

Speaker 1 That's, I think, a bigger insecurity

Speaker 1 seeded in your whole thing, you know? Yeah, that's way worse. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, that's so how do you

Speaker 1 normal? I would say normal. I'm not saying this is, I'm not like, it's my story.
It's what if I talk to all of my friends in Eastern Europe, a lot of my friends, it's way worse stuff, you know.

Speaker 1 Because also my stepdad, then he hit me, you know. Yeah.
So that's so yeah, that's well, yeah, that's not uh, that's not good. Yeah, it's not good, glad he's dead.
What? Glad he's dead, yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn, dude, that's fucked up. Yeah, do you feel like when you come to America, when you came? How long ago did you come here, by the way?

Speaker 1 June. Oh, you're relatively new here.
Yeah, first time I visited here was in December. When you hear Americans complain about stuff, is there part of you that's like, shut the fuck up?

Speaker 1 No, dude, we're dude. I'm a suburban kid overall.
Probably don't get it twisted. Yeah, but you buy a hat to blast.
Tash. Just a regular old cul-de-sac?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I had to blast it.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, of course. I don't know what's in Chappelle show.

Speaker 1 Gotcha.

Speaker 1 This is why I'm so confused about Eastern Europe. I'm like, wait, what? No, Estonia's doing good.
So it's chilling you. Estonia.
Oh, yeah, you guys are good. I'm a suburban, like middle-class kid.

Speaker 1 Gotcha, gotcha. So I complain, literally, if you give me like an Americano without no crema on it, you're pissed off.

Speaker 1 Take me to hell.

Speaker 1 Literally, take me to hell.

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Speaker 1 the thing is because i used to be in the service industry i used to be in the service industry the thing is you put it under you're supposed to click it immediately because if you don't see the thing metal here is hot and it burns the coffee what that's why you get sometimes like a burnt feeling in the coffee these retards out there, the baristas, some of them.

Speaker 1 Some of them, you know, when you try to get a good one in the back, but then you see the new.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She don't know America.
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Speaker 1 I'm kind of pissed I know that now because I've never asked you totally

Speaker 1 in your life. Have you ever internally

Speaker 1 give that a turn? Do you ever tell them? Like, yo. I've never.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wouldn't be able to. I'm Eastern European.
We're not. I know Americans are.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 You can tell him to give a little, give a little note. I'll say thank you.
You're an angel. Give him a kiss and leave with the shittiest coffee I've ever had.
That's how I do.

Speaker 1 And then I boil in the corner.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm reading a book right now about an Irish immigrant who came to America, New York in 1949.

Speaker 1 All he can do the whole time, he's just like, I can't believe people are complaining about this stuff.

Speaker 1 But you're saying you had a good life in Estonia, which yeah, I mean, I got out when the Soviet Union collapsed. It was Thrive.
The economy was thriving. It's a new country.

Speaker 1 yeah, uh, culturally doing amazing.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's another thing in stand-up, you know, I was so lucky because it's not like Estonia is one of those random Eastern European countries in terms of stand-up.

Speaker 1 Because when we started back in the day, you know, the Soviet Union built a lot of old theaters, that's what communism does, you know, they make everything grandiose. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 and so there are all these good theaters, beautiful venues, and

Speaker 1 like communism in terms of cultural they always encourage you to go out but they always censored and gave you what they want because that's how you control people.

Speaker 1 It's not the fucking guns that control people. You have to control the culture, the subconscious mind.

Speaker 1 You know, that's what you do. Like Kamal Harris, Omar.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 And so,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 American politics. Yeah, you're right.
So that was, was that a territory that was part of Russia then it fell and they gave this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so there's all this liberation because there's such big censorship. So there's all this liberal internet, the Chappelle show, South Park,

Speaker 1 all the sketches would always be, all of a sudden, be more blue in terms of material. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The songs would be, you know, like punk rock-ish, you know, because we're all this Western culture is now overflowing. Like I got, remember Sex in the City? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got Sex in the City and Night Rider the same year. Remember Knight Rider? Yeah.
Because we got all this fucking burgers.

Speaker 1 Oh, you got all this.

Speaker 1 The Beatles. Everyone's coming.

Speaker 1 Ah! That's kind of weird. Shit, you got Chappelle.
Three decades of culture. I watched Chappelle's show, Golden Girls, Back to Back.
I was like, these bitches are crazy. And appreciate it.

Speaker 1 How old are you when this happened? When all this, like... Oh, I was born in 92, 91 is once Union fell.
But, I mean, but still, I know you're saying, though, it all came in here.

Speaker 1 When a thing falls, it's not like, okay. You got a great currency, laws, culture.
Now you're also so strong in your.

Speaker 1 And we had our own language, but the media was always uh like translated from the Russian influence, so we never got our own shit, yeah, now we but we always had it on the ground, there would always be you know, so what was what was it like for the like the older people around you to have all that just stuff come out?

Speaker 1 Because that must have been fucking nuts, dude. Men kissing

Speaker 1 Justin Sculpture, the Matrix, uh, MacIver,

Speaker 1 yeah, I was like watching TV like this,

Speaker 1 That's kind of nuts to think about. Yeah,

Speaker 1 ATMs, fucking

Speaker 1 CDs,

Speaker 1 the cassette player, Lincoln Barr. That's crazy.
It's all coming. So you guys just got all the tech.
Bam! That's kind of cool. And so there's an explosion.
And also,

Speaker 1 what's perfect in stand-up, for stand-up, it's perfect for every art form, but for especially stand-up, the more tension there is,

Speaker 1 the bigger the release can be. Right? That's why stand-up is thriving in America right now.
Lots of tension in the air.

Speaker 1 The riffs will be fire. Yeah.
I mean, like I know some, I know a Ukrainian open micro in Kiev.

Speaker 1 In Kiev?

Speaker 1 Imagine what they're saying about the Russians. Imagine the riffs.
Yeah, it's going to be probably

Speaker 1 fire. I didn't think about that.
I didn't think about the riffs.

Speaker 1 You know, in that basement, people tell it like it e true.

Speaker 1 What are they riffing on over there? Ooh, they're calling, because we have slurs for Russians and all that,

Speaker 1 so they're pa ba ba. Like, bah, ba, bah.

Speaker 1 Damn. I didn't think about wartime comedy.
Like, imagine if black people all of a sudden

Speaker 1 got control of America, and then you're all free. You know, they're the enemy and all that, and then you're all free.
Imagine the riffs the first night in the basement.

Speaker 1 You know. Yeah, they'd be saying we don't put salt on our food and shit.
It'd be devastating.

Speaker 1 That would be kind of cool. That would be kind of cool if they got finally the Black Planet.

Speaker 1 I think they're ripping pretty hard already. But yeah, if they can go.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's why black guys always roast white guys because it's fucking fuck you.

Speaker 1 It's great. True.
I mean, even though a lot of white guys weren't even involved whatsoever with their stuff, but yeah, I hear you. Exactly.
I hear you, though. Yeah, so the riffs are true.

Speaker 1 Like, imagine being

Speaker 1 a Russian guy in a Kiev open mic right now. Yeah, when they find out you're Russian, it's going to be fire, dude.
This crowd will eclipse TikTok City, dude.

Speaker 1 But then, if he can get up and defend himself, that might be kind of fire too. Because he's fired too.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 imagine the riffs in Moscow right now, Moscow. Because they lost ATMs, they lost Apple Pay, they're losing McDonald's, you know, porn too.
It's the sanctions, they're losing porn.

Speaker 1 But imagine the Riffs. The Riffs are probably kind of weak in Moscow right now.

Speaker 1 No, I'll be like, we're gonna nuke them. Yeah, we're coming back.
We're coming back. I'll put the Russian anthem on.
Yeah. Because they've also been, you know, kicked around after the union collapsed.

Speaker 1 They have, yeah.

Speaker 1 So they're trying to. Do you think they'll actually unleash the nuke?

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm sure the comedians are literally chanting it as we speak.

Speaker 1 That's what my bit would be:

Speaker 1 nuke. If they nuked us successfully, they could win the war.
I hope they don't. If you're listening, Russian propagandists, don't.
Dude, they don't have the. Listen, they don't have the technology.

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 I think they got the nukes. Listen.
Do you think they're going to be able to do that? If you go to St. Petersburg today,

Speaker 1 if you go to St. Petersburg today, you're going to see an iPhone 3GS.

Speaker 1 Remember, 3GS. Yeah.
You're going to see an iPhone, maybe four.

Speaker 1 So it's bullshit. So dismissile ain't going to make it over to the greatest country on earth.

Speaker 1 Listen. I'd like to hear that's good.
That's good news. Dismissile.
So why is America messing with them so bad? Dismissile. Why do we have such an obsession with Russia?

Speaker 1 I mean, they're a big force. I mean, they're big.
They're big. They're big.
They're on economy and all that. I guess they are kind of the biggest force next to Europe and China, obviously.

Speaker 1 They have the manpower. That's what they're doing with Ukraine.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They have the manpower. I guess we got to wait till they're going to be able to do it.
They just go like, hey,

Speaker 1 80 million.

Speaker 1 Go.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you have all the cool missiles and drones, but I have 80 million shaved men running. Yeah, true.
Believing every word I say. For the motherland, you know.

Speaker 1 True, they do have the manpower, but

Speaker 1 their population's aging, isn't it? So I figured once they get older. older.
They're sending everybody there, two kids. Right now, there's a 76-year-old grandma throwing a grenade.

Speaker 1 They have like little drummers. They have little drummer boys.
Everybody's going, brother. Fuck.
They're pulling people off the bus. Look at the videos.
There's a nerdy guy like Sean Cardini.

Speaker 1 With the glasses. That's why nerdy.
It's a stereotype. Like Sean.

Speaker 1 Like, imagine Sean on a bus and the army just grabs him, puts a helmet on him. And he's got to fucking go in a ditch.
Do you think Russia's going to lose the war?

Speaker 1 They're definitely. Are they losing pretty badly?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Every news article tells me different.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know who to trust anymore.
I'm surprised they're winning. I mean, let's just stop killing and let's just make love.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying, man. Yeah.
We gotta give them the TV show. They had the TV shows for a while, didn't they? Russia had the TV shows.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 They like when Estonia got all the TV shows, did Russia not get the T V shows? So I feel like they got the jeans. They're all blue jeans.
But but but but

Speaker 1 but they got their own shit going on. They're like Spanish people.
They're not on fucking

Speaker 1 do Spanish people have their own app like Facebook or something yeah Chinese people have like we wop or

Speaker 1 we wop

Speaker 1 the only isn't that a thing for China it's called like WeChat

Speaker 1 and it has everything it has the Instagram feature it has the Twitter feature it has the forum feature like when I was in when I was in Kuala Lumpur you would go on WeChat and you just put in UFC tonight and it shows the bars and the people hanging out there.

Speaker 1 You can already join the chat of the people hanging out. What? And you can be like, what's up?

Speaker 1 So that's where they always say that. That's where our apps also come.
That's where they test all those fucking things. Oh, really? On the Chinese population?

Speaker 1 Because they're so because they consume so much of it. I want to see what's up with China.
Are they really that in? Is everyone in China really that into China? Or, like, sorry, this is what I do.

Speaker 1 If I meet anyone from another country, I'm like, you must know all about the world. I don't know.

Speaker 1 You've never been to China? I've been to Beijing. Really? I did a show there.
But it was only for expats. But when I was walking around, the vibes were off.
The vibes were off. They're off.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 I can see the vibes sucking in China. I really could.
The vibes fucking suck, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm not rude. I don't want to be rude.
For sure.

Speaker 1 But four days in Beijing, let me tell you, as a 21-year-old hopeful kid with baby blue eyes, watching the world as it is, not judging anybody, you know. The vibe sucked.

Speaker 1 I go to Iran, eat a dumpling. I don't buy the hype.
I could go to Afghanistan, get on a beach.

Speaker 1 You know, I could go anywhere. I don't buy the hype.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I gotta tell you,

Speaker 1 the vibe's rough. In Beijing.
Sucked. What's the crazy thing?

Speaker 1 Everybody's rude to me.

Speaker 1 Those are the letters of fuck. I mean, they're yeah, true.
No, no, I get it. I get it.
It's your shit. But also.
The lines are tough. Personal spaces are tough.
I'm pointing at the picture.

Speaker 1 You don't get that? Yeah, man. Because I don't speak Thai either, but it's Rift City.
I'll fucking show the hands. I'll do a kuk.
You know, I want chicken with rice.

Speaker 1 I do the fucking eyes, the Asian eyes, and I do.

Speaker 1 That's chicken with rice. Am I correct? Am I correct? That's pretty close.
Am I correct?

Speaker 1 But yeah,

Speaker 1 that can be that's tough. If they're like stonewalling you on the language, it's like, bro, I'm not going to study Space Invaders language, dude.

Speaker 1 They look like language. It looks like Space Invaders characters.
It do, though. It's like, come on, man.
Knock it off. Get some fucking words.
So I feel your pain. I'd be like, come on, guys.

Speaker 1 I would try to lead it like a lead, like a revolution and be like, guys, we have words. You don't have to draw little symbols.
That's crazy. So, yeah, for stand-up, that was perfect for us, you know.

Speaker 1 Like when

Speaker 1 I started, and another guy, Sanders, started,

Speaker 1 it was we were like the first guys. And the upside of that is our open mics,

Speaker 1 two, three hundred people. We have to

Speaker 1 kick people out. Hundreds turned away from the open mic because it's because they're coming from the novelty.
Because stand-up comedy, they're like, they watch Louis C.K., they watch Jimmy Carr,

Speaker 1 they're starting to get it. And also,

Speaker 1 all the TVs would still be stuck in the old Soviet ways. You know, they're kind of bleeping stuff.
They're not talking potty talk.

Speaker 1 They're not talking potty talk. YouTube came around, so we already see Kevin Hart talking about a long ad day.

Speaker 1 And then I look at the TV, it's kind of boring for me. Yeah.
And then you find out, oh, we have also stand-up comedy, Comedy Estonia. That was the organization.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the mics would be packed.

Speaker 1 And the upside of being a new culture in stand-up is that you don't have to pay for the sins of the previous generation, is what is the big problem in like Canada and America also.

Speaker 1 The clubs held you guys down, they would pay you shit, they would have to pay for stage time, so people kept fucking you around. All the gatekeepers would pull the ladder up, not help anybody else.

Speaker 1 So you ended up with a big actually bullshit system that doesn't encourage talent. It kind of discourages, which also makes the diamond shine out, of course.
For sure. But it also discourages.

Speaker 1 I'm sure there's a lot of guys.

Speaker 1 I mean, I know a lot of guys who are fucking way funnier than me, but they're just stuck in a scene and they're kind of stuck in the politics of that.

Speaker 1 They can't do quite TikTok. They're trying, you know.
And then every time they have that one showcase a month that the club gives, they get three minutes. Yeah, that kind of sucks.

Speaker 1 So they don't really. It was popping in Estonia.
So they don't really get to shine.

Speaker 1 But we got a big audience straight off the top. So you get a lot of, so you get a lot of

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 I don't wanna, what's the word? Not support, but like when the crowd is also growing with,

Speaker 1 yeah, you get real feedback. You're doing real crowds.
You're not doing like 10 angry comics being like, fuck this guy. And also, I'm not saying we were the most original guys either.

Speaker 1 We went through because we're the first ones at the well. It's not like we discovered the water, you know? We're the first ones.
So all the hack topics have

Speaker 1 the first generation, you know. That's awesome, though.
That's pretty cool. I never thought about that.
Yeah. Have you been to Finland? Yeah.
What's Finland all about? I'm half Finnish.

Speaker 1 Are you really? And my name is the most Finnish thing you've ever heard. True.
Yeah. What's up with Finland? I

Speaker 1 when I was a kid, I grew up the winters in Rova near me, which is where Lapland

Speaker 1 that's like near the Arctic Circle and shit. It's like bad out there.
Sucks.

Speaker 1 What's the vibe like in Finland?

Speaker 1 They had the polar night. You know that? No?

Speaker 1 Just gray.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 And you're just at a bar. Ah!

Speaker 1 What time is it? And you're just low on the vitamin. I thought Finland was like beautiful.
No, it's a long-ass country, so there's different areas.

Speaker 1 There's different areas, but you're in the gray country. I mean, we also, Estonia, we don't.

Speaker 1 We have like two to three months of the gray. Do you really? Of the gray.

Speaker 1 Maybe one piece of sunlight every two, three weeks, one piece where you get the cloud kind of shows you. What?

Speaker 1 Damn. Is it rainy or just kind of like

Speaker 1 gray and misty? Gray, misty, rainy.

Speaker 1 Do you ever move around the mist, though? Like, kind of like fucking. Like Peaky Blinders? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Trust me, I've had my Peaky Blinders phase in Astania.

Speaker 1 But a toothpick. I was a toothpick guy when I was like 19.
For you?

Speaker 1 Moving around the mist? That'd be kind of sick.

Speaker 1 That'd be pretty tight. Yeah, but always sick because

Speaker 1 the peaky blinders clothing isn't actually proper winter wear.

Speaker 1 Like if you look at Peaky Blinders, he's a full-blown suit, but it's the middle of winter.

Speaker 1 If you actually think about it, and those cars had no air conditioning back then, so if you think about it, he's actually freezing to death. He's having hypothermia.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your exposed neck, your voice ain't going to be that fucking. Yeah, you're way chillier.
You're right. They were way chillier than me.

Speaker 1 So I would dress like Peaky Blinders and then end up in pneumonia.

Speaker 1 Well, goddamn, dude. Well, thanks for doing this, man.
I think you... We're at an hour, right?

Speaker 1 52. 52.
What the fuck, Le Maire? Oh, you already tired of me?

Speaker 1 No, I just, I like to keep it at an hour, so nice funny. Hey, get that.
Let's keep ripping, dude. I'm good to go.
I'm ready to rip and grip, you know. So, what's up with

Speaker 1 me talking about what's up with me? I'll tell you what's up with me, dude. I'm on a 48-hour fast.
I told you that already. God damn it.

Speaker 1 48-hour fast. Honestly, dude, I'm just trying to like, you know what I'm trying to figure out right now? Tell me.
How to just sit down, like, anywhere I am and just be kind of chilling.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's hard. I've been trying to figure this out forever.
There's got to be some combinations of words I can just put into my head to where I'm like.

Speaker 1 You're one of those guys who needs to say, shut up, brains. Yeah.
I'm one of those guys too, too. Yeah, big time.
So I'm trying to learn how to just chill. So hard, huh?

Speaker 1 Hard man. I always live in the future.
I can't even. Every moment I've appreciated in my life has been in retrospect.
Yeah. And that's such a county thing of,

Speaker 1 hey, God,

Speaker 1 what's up with that? But I can only be happy about something when it's over. Yeah, take me to the now.
What are we doing? Every holiday I've ever had has always been like that. Really?

Speaker 1 During COVID, I went to Barcelona for a few months, you know, just didn't do calm and it disappeared. It's kind of nice.
That's why I love Thailand too. You can just disappear.

Speaker 1 But then my mind, you know.

Speaker 1 Like, I was the happiest I've ever been in Barcelona, and I had no idea when it was happening. I was just walking around.
Oh, you got ball. When's my next kick? I wonder.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that sucks.

Speaker 1 when you're i've been i've been depressed on a vacation before in like a beautiful area and that's like that gets kind of rugged when you're like a beautiful tropical area and you're just kind of like

Speaker 1 you're like dude i fucking suck yeah sometimes i wish like when i was on a beach i just wish like on the boat like the somalian comes and then we have to fight to the death and i barely make it i'm in the hospital beep beep all over and then i come back Just to do something with my life.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. I was reading.
I was that same book about the Irish immigrant. He's talking about a Native American guy who they're all like working in a hotel.

Speaker 1 And he was just like, the Native American is like, dude, this shit is so embarrassing for us. Like, we should be riding horses and just fucking shooting each other with bows and arrows.

Speaker 1 He's like, that's the only thing a dude should do. He's like, we're preparing a fucking banquet room.
He's like, this is humiliating.

Speaker 1 We should be riding around, taking each other's scalps and just chilling. Uh-huh.
Just chilling, you know?

Speaker 1 I mean, I see what he's saying. Obviously, it's kind of a rough life, but like, yeah, I can see.
I do the same thing. I'm in my house.
It's like, it doesn't matter what your house looks like.

Speaker 1 I'm just waiting for someone to break in. I want to fight them to the death.
That's like, that's all I want to do. Most exhilarating.
I walk downstairs naked every night.

Speaker 1 I'm like, please let this be the night.

Speaker 1 My dream in life is to be like a survivor. Like, I'm on a bus with children.
Everybody dies.

Speaker 1 You want to be unbreakable.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 What I want is the interview where I'm the witness, survivor. I'd love that interview.

Speaker 1 Are you still wounded? Are you still have wounds in the interview?

Speaker 1 I clean myself up. I mean, it's national exposure

Speaker 1 and promote the dates, you know. Survivor would be nice.
Sometimes you see those survivors. You know, when somebody witnesses something, they're always like,

Speaker 1 I saw a boy. And I'm like, this is 45 minutes after it happened.
Have nothing prepared? Dude, I'd have a full-on

Speaker 1 whole arc. I would lie.
I would be like, I saved the baby. But then the baby said, you go, be great.

Speaker 1 And that's how the baby died. I'd say that.

Speaker 1 True. The baby told me to go.
Estonia, the Estonia comedy scene, dude, cannot lose one of the real ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But now you're America, bro.

Speaker 1 But yeah, do you have friends in Estonia like reaching out? Oh, yeah, I have visitors all the time. And yeah, everyone's super supportive, you know?

Speaker 1 That also used to be a big thing that when I tried to...

Speaker 1 Because I did comedy in Canada, you know, I've done the Seattle competition. I've done some things on this side of the world.
And And I always felt like an outsider. And it's keeping me back.

Speaker 1 Because every time I watch my favorite comedians, like Bill Burr, he talks about the game. He talks about football.
He knows all the references. He goes, the Philly Rat.
He goes, yeah.

Speaker 1 The Buffalo Eagle. Suck.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I don't know the time.
Oh, you're good, man. I don't really follow sports like that either.
I don't follow sports. I'm very.
Yeah, I don't care either.

Speaker 1 Every time I see Shane, he's literally talking about the game every time. Yeah, yeah.
Love sports. Most guys in America do love sports.
Everybody loves sports, sir.

Speaker 1 Every green room, every, every, every day, every day, sports is in my face. Like, about the, you know, the game, the fantasy.
Yeah, my fantasy.

Speaker 1 Do you tell people you don't care about it, or do you just try to

Speaker 1 integrate? I try to try to get along in the conversation. Have you been busted doing fake sports talking? Very much so.
Shannon, you know, Shannon Sharp. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he jumped. He's a jumper.

Speaker 1 Because I think it's some NBA guy. Yeah, NBA guy.
NBA gay. NBA guy.

Speaker 1 So I would always feel like uh like i'm outsider i know try you know you watch american comedians you try to recreate that i would be influencing all that i would just try you know but then i had that like snap of like when i realized holy

Speaker 1 i actually have an advantage of having a story that i'm not from here i'm literally more rare than a than a gay black guy now i know i know 72 gay black guys were comedians yeah they made and they're funny as fuck right yeah i don't know estonian motherfucker out there.

Speaker 1 You're the only one I know. Yeah.
I went to.

Speaker 1 No, I don't think he was from Estonia. I knew one other guy.
I'm picturing him in my mind. Now that I think about it, I don't know much about this guy.
I just assume he's from Eastern Europe.

Speaker 1 I don't know why.

Speaker 1 But that's fucking sick. Yeah, dude, it's better to be, you know, have the outside experience, I think.
So sometimes I do feel lonely in the culture a little, but then I just

Speaker 1 talk to my Estonian friends or they come and visit. Everyone's super supportive.
What's the biggest difference in culture, you would say?

Speaker 1 Estonia to America. Well, right now, it's a personal thing.

Speaker 1 It's a personal thing. It depends on the person.
But for me,

Speaker 1 trying

Speaker 1 to be a pedestrian in America,

Speaker 1 nothing's more disrespected in America. We do look down on pedestrians.
We look down on pedestrians pretty hard. Hey, we need laws to protect.
Hey,

Speaker 1 I'm walking over here.

Speaker 1 Why am I next?

Speaker 1 Why am I on the I-35 with a truck going

Speaker 1 fucking 170 kilometers an hour next to my face, this close? Yeah. And why is it so loud? I can't relax on my walk, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And in America, if you don't have a driver's license like me, I don't have a driver's license. Really? I'm literally disabled.
Bird scooter, yeah. I feel disabled.
I'm literally.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a bird scooter, dude. Even the other day, I was hanging out with fucking Israel out of Sanya, with Tony Hinchcliffe.
Everyone's superstar. Everyone has Cadillacs.
And then I'm next to them.

Speaker 1 Ping, ping, ping, ping. I take the scooter.

Speaker 1 Dude, I ride the scooters back and forth all the time. They're all.

Speaker 1 You do look like a scooter guy, though. It's dude.
You ride past it. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 You need to be pretty jacked to handle those things. It can kick on you.
Kick on you. No, I ride scooters.
Yeah. I love them, man.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's my favorite thing, riding from a house down to the mothership on a scooter and back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, put headphones in. That's all I do, sir.
It's awesome. Put headphones in, riding away from a good set on the Lime scooter.
People don't know. It's fucking it's a nice feeling.

Speaker 1 You know, when people are like, oh, yeah. People see you outside the club, you're like, what's up, bro?

Speaker 1 Yeah, when people are like, you want to do a bump of Coke? No, I'll put Pink Floyd on. Think about what a superstar I'm becoming.
And ride in the fresh air.

Speaker 1 Who doesn't want to do that? Ride by the creaking cave. You're like, oh.
Anybody see me? I don't fucking know. No, these guys don't know me.

Speaker 1 But there's a lot of things I can't do. I don't even go to a Best Buy.
Yeah, groceries.

Speaker 1 Now you can order your ordering groceries sucks because they pick out bullshit and they smell like cigarettes. You get onions, they smell like fucking cigarettes.

Speaker 1 They don't feel the avocados like I do.

Speaker 1 They don't fucking do that. No, that's right.
This is me with a tomato. Oh, cut this out.
Yeah, true. Feel it.
If it's good vibes. You're right, though.
They they pick bullshit fucking pros.

Speaker 1 And then the dates, they always pick the expiration dates. Oh, thanks for bringing me milk that expires in six hours.
Yeah, they don't reach the back shelf. They always go for the back shelf.

Speaker 1 I love that in a grocery store and you find an expiration date that's like

Speaker 1 new like older and you go,

Speaker 1 nice try, dickhead. You pull the milk from the back.
It's the best. Dude, I know you.

Speaker 1 And then you look into the other side of the shelf as

Speaker 1 nice try. I know you fucking.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, we did it. We're at an hour.

Speaker 1 Motherfucker, man. Thank you so much.
Thanks for doing this, too, by the way. It was a short note of the screen.
I'm glad you're doing it. Also, I really like your comedy.
Thank you, bro.

Speaker 1 You haven't been around recently. I've been traveling.
But you were around a lot. I remember.

Speaker 1 And we did some bad shows together. Yeah, man.
You're funny as hell, dude. You're killing us.
Thanks, man. You're a fucking man.
You're a funny too. And also,

Speaker 1 such a left turn for the chicks to be like, because I go, who's pound for pound?

Speaker 1 Hottest guy in the season. Oh, you're asking the women.
I was asking, of course, it's seven women. I'm going to ask who's the hottest guy.

Speaker 1 That's a good move. And I'm expecting, you know, they go, like, oh, you know, I'm like this.

Speaker 1 They didn't mention you, Sean.

Speaker 1 But you came up. Oh, clearly, Darius Bennett.
I get it. If I hear like a black guy with a hat, I get it.

Speaker 1 They're irresistible. Have you seen Darius dress?

Speaker 1 He literally dresses like dolomite shooting tonight.

Speaker 1 This guy, suave every time. Yeah, a black guy with a cool bowler's hat.
Yeah. And then you show up all Hokka, all comfortable with the Hokka shoes.

Speaker 1 And chicks are like...

Speaker 1 I didn't know you were talking about me specifically. Chicks are like fucking screaming.
Oh my God. He's so straightforward.

Speaker 1 He doesn't hang around and talk about dumb shit.

Speaker 1 Maybe, you know, maybe I represent a doorway into the life of the body.

Speaker 1 And that gives a lot of hope. Well, I appreciate that, man.

Speaker 1 Thank you for bringing me that piece of information. I can't be black.
No, I don't. I can't be.

Speaker 1 You could. Put some hawkers on, start fasting.

Speaker 1 Get like a nice wife, kiss her on the lips. All the time.
It could be hard.

Speaker 1 I could do whatever. You can do that.
And then all the female comedians will cover you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They'll cover it more so what you represent. I'm just kind of like a symbol.
Six love mystery, you know? It's true. That's what you got going on, too.

Speaker 1 I would think I believe when I would see you at the mothership in the back, you just fucking

Speaker 1 observe it. Strong silent.
Taking it all in. Strong silent, bro.
Taking it all in. I also have extreme social anxiety, so I'm just sitting there the whole time, just like, oh, fuck.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But now that I know a lot of comedian babes are liking my family. I'm thinking about you, bro.
No, I'll start walking around with a little more confidence. Like, one girl literally goes like this.
Oh,

Speaker 1 that's fucking awesome news.

Speaker 1 I'm going to show this to my wife. I love that.
That's the best thing. I like to tell her.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's so hot. Oh, I like it.
Jesus. That's nice.
Thank you for telling me this, man. Literally, like, just a wet through the jeans.
Really? Damn. On you.
That's crazy, bro. That's pretty hot.

Speaker 1 But I get it. I get it.
I don't, man. I don't see it.
I don't see it. But I mean, look.

Speaker 1 You're like a mysterious guy. I do like being

Speaker 1 true. They like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but dude, yeah, they like the idea of it. And you get, you know, one-on-one.
It's just nothing but smoking mirrors and problems and bullshit. So, yeah, they don't know.

Speaker 1 It's actually the monkey with this thing.

Speaker 1 They're like, what's it?

Speaker 1 Well, thank you, dude. Thank you for telling me that.
I'm going to take that information to my wife and rub it in her face.

Speaker 1 Appreciate you, bro. Thank you for having me on.
You're great. You're great.

Speaker 1 I would love to get married. You can do it, bro.

Speaker 1 You can do it. If you know some good Kyle,

Speaker 1 you hear that out there? You guys can get everyone can get married. Girls want to get married so fucking bad.
They're actually pretty annoying about it.

Speaker 1 So, for everybody out there to get married. So,

Speaker 1 love you guys.