Ep 515 - Lol @ The Unc (feat. Billy)

Wow, wow, Wes.

Fired up, dude. Guess who just got back today? Yeah, baby.
I'm going to do my best not to get fired up. Why? Because of the debate.
That's white noise. I'm doing my best.
That's white noise. I'm trying so hard.
Dude, he kind of blew it there. I don't see it.
Just did it. Whatever.
I mean, you're a Texas lead no dude i thought i thought it was gonna be no contest he fell for all of her traps stevie get over here yeah he fell right into everything she was doing and like she would contradict her and i get it obviously look man in the arena obviously i get it but it's like his three on one bro it was crazy she admitted that covid came from china that was like a whole thing against trump that he's fucking i only caught the end i only caught the end i didn't see that the end was the last wheels you saw the wheels were off at that point exactly he had her in the first half and then she didn't i mean i'm like a rape victim listening to her i disassociate i'm like out of my body once i hear a girl like let me explain something i'm just like oh my god oh my god this is the worst shit in the world just say you're a ptsd dude you don't need to use that i can't stand that shit bro you're a male you should specify same old thing you're a man-on-man you feel like a man-on-man rape you should specify you feel like a man-on-man rape yeah yeah the only the only part that i'll admit i got triggered i'm not above getting triggered i got triggered the whole time i got triggered by the libs dude i got triggered when she was like he's so divisive oh dude done with your stuff no but i'm saying it's like the dems being like you guys are obsessed with race oh yeah it's crazy yeah you guys literally started black lives matter you freaks dude i was i was literally i knew this is to do. When that happened, when that happened, I was literally gripping my sheets in bed being like, are you fucking serious right now? We've all become our fathers.
I used to watch my dad watch Obama do the State of the Union and be like, fucking bullshit. Bullshit.
We're better off than ever. And I'd watch him.
I'd be like, you fucking dumbass. What do you care? Now I'm doing, I'm the same guy.
the same guy yeah no that was egregious i mean for sure but that was egregious last night that was crazy and then she'd be like let's just all like pump each other up in the next sentence she was like he's such a fucking piece of shit she was like all he does is name call and then they're like he's literally a threat to democracy we need to destroy him he is the devil yeah like i'm here for you it's like dude you gave people the maximum sentence for weed. You're a bad person.
Let's get it out. Then we'll do the podcast.
She was a prosecutor for the PS. All she cared about was the people.
It's like, dude, you're a fucking prosecutor. She's like, even Dick Cheney.
We have the great Dick Cheney on our side. It's like, is anyone listening to this? Goldman Sachs and Dick Cheney promote me.
It's like, yeah, that's the worst fucking ad you could possibly run for yourself. Whatever.
Look, we got that out of our system. I'm pissed off.
Obviously, 20,000 Haitians in a small town in Springfield, Ohio is crazy. It's a bad idea.
That's crazy. And then dude, that shit's real.
All right, we'll start soon. We'll start soon.
Let's just get it out. That shit's real.
No shit is real. And she did want gender affirming care for illegal immigrants.
Yes. And she wanted to take guns, which she said she didn't.
The other thing that pissed me off was they were fact checking. Hold on.
Can we start right now? Let's start over. Can we please start with gender affirming care for illegal immigrants is so fucking crazy give it a chance to a fucking wand that when he brought it up people are laughing at him what a fucking idiot it's like no that's real they invert the truth imagine being a very stoic Mexican man dude dude I've seen one before stoic as hell and you get into this country thinking you're going to live your dreams and they take you in the room and say, bro, you're getting tits in a fuck.
You don't think the lads... Some of those lads would be like, we'll see.
When I used to go to the dump, I saw that shit. There was one Mexican dude with monster tits and they would unload the truck next to me.
You saw Kamala there's one there's one you saw kamala's work there's one that transitioned and fucking the transition dude it was wild i would look over and look at the rest of mexican what he was at a trash dump he was at a trash dump yeah like just bolt-ons like not even trying to get like natural looking tits they were just fucking fake saw you saw one of kamala's abomination yes yes one of her misfit toys hold on dude they probably did it for a fucking commercial like look we're gonna give you tits we'll give you 25 000 no i'm saying for like a kamala commercial they probably went up to some of mexican were like we'll give you tits we'll give you 50 grand cash he's probably just like she she he was one of those viral videos where he holds up a cardboard sign with like something mean somebody said yeah he's gonna trash dump just you'll make fun of my tits just drop the card and huge double d's behind him it was great they were powerful tits i saw him like god damn bro he got huge tits well all right that's i'm done that was should find me up I can't hide who i am dude it got me it's gonna try to fight it any check it was it was yeah it was dispiriting for sure to watch that and be i was like i was like oh shit it's on i turn it on i'm like he's about to be crushing her and i'm watching him just like i knew he wouldn't i i knew going into it he wasn't going to crush her she was she clearly practiced that she gave throughout the thing. They knew exactly what he was going to bring up.
You don't know about the earring? What earring? Oh, she had a microphone? She had an earring. That is, there's ads.
I mean, there's ads for the same exact earring. That is a microphone in your ear, but it's an earring.
You can look it the fuck up, dude. I swear to God.
I assume she has. I mean, dude, they can she can get a little implant, an undetectable ear.
Biden had one on the last one. Damn, dude, he probably had fucking like five, dude.
He probably was fucking out of his body. He might have had a dude in a mocap suit, like in the basement of the White House.
Gollum? I looked at the news. No, Kamala Harris wasn't wearing one of those earpieces yeah all right i'm debunked i guess debunked also dude they're fact-checking trump in real time all day long and kamal brought that dumb shit with fine people on both sides and even snope says that's the miss that's misleading trump didn't just say there's fine people on both sides talking about fucking racists and uh tiki torch you can't hold on

though before we go you can't claim earpiece that's conceding a loss you can't you can't claim audio earpiece why because it looks like you sour grapes i'm not sour grapes i know but it just looks like if you're like well the reason she won is shit i don't think i don't think she want well then don't talk about the earpiece all right i'll shut up i'm just saying let me coach She's cheating.

He's got the next one.

Her and Michigan are in the same fucking boat.

Yo. Well, then don't talk about the UPS.
All right, I'll shut up. I'm just saying.
Let me coach you. She's cheating.

He's got the next one.

Her and Michigan are in the same fucking boot.

Yo, dude.

Oh, my God.

I fucking forgot.

I saw that.

What the fuck happened to you?

We're looking good this year, and we got taken out by NIU, bro.

Did you cry? No, but I had a show that I had a show that night in Atlanta and Notre Dame lost in Northern Illinois at home this week. And worst loss in, I mean, program history, it's up there is one of the worst.
What was this for? They lost by two. They lost by a field goal.
Hey, fuckinginois northern illinois bro the huskies that's

a mac school that came into south bend and beat notre dame in the home opener it's i mean it's

a program crushing felt good for the coach dude was fucking crying like it was nice that was nice

yeah he's real pumped for his guys but i had a show that night and i just leave as soon as the

game ended i literally sat on the edge of my hotel held my hotel bed dressed waiting to go to the

show the car was downstairs i was like hold on i'm not leaving yet i gotta watch this game

Thank you. leave as soon as the game ended.
I literally sat on the edge of my hotel bed dressed waiting to go to the show. The car was downstairs.
I was like, hold on. I'm not leaving yet.
I got to watch this game. Field goal goes in.
I go, all right, fine. Let's go to the show.
I had to get into an arena. My lady was with me.
My lady was with me and I had to pretend I wasn't I was trying so hard not to spaz. I was eyes gazing off in the distance.
I was fucking I was dead silent. It was like I had a 45 minute drive to the arena.
I was silent the entire ride. I was fucking, I was dead silent.

It was like I had 45 minute drive to the arena.

I was silent the entire ride.

I sat shotgun in the car.

I saw that.

I wanted to text.

I was like,

God damn,

that's fucking insane.

I haven't played NCAA since college football is dead to me right now.

Why not us?

Why can't we get one?

And then we get one against Texas A&M.

And what do I get?

Northern Illinois next week.

Oh.

That sucks so bad, dude. I was talking shit to people after the A&M win.

Were you actually?

Yeah, I was going, yeah, you guys said Notre Dame sucked.

Suck my dick, dude.

Pretty good this year.

That's pretty good.

Suck my dick.

That might be good for their season, though.

That might be one of those things.

It could be worse for their season.

I hear you.

No offense.

This is a nice girlfriend take you're giving me.

No offense.

I know you're just being a supportive friend. I know you you're being supportive this could set the program back five years which this literally could mean my dad never gets to see a championship one else type of loss you should just start you should like you're going to have to fire the entire you're going to everything has to start over oh god i thought they could all bond together under like a deep personal low point don't get me wrong don't get me wrong florida gators did that deep inside i believe that is what's going to happen i hear you but you're thinking about the not going on defeated you think about the nuts and bolts of the regime it was uh it was a disastrous loss it affected my my mood on saturday in the show i had to address it pretty early in the show.
I say, guys, and they're all Georgia

fans, so they're all going,

damn, the whole arena was

barking at me. You're a bit of a mother

hand, bro. What do you mean? The dogs are just

kind of gravitating towards you.

Maybe I am.

I never see yourself,

so I...

I never see it. What are you talking about?

He's a lover of

animals, dude. He's a lover of animals and all creatures.

Francis of Assisi. Yeah, especially Thank you.
what? I never see it. What are you talking about?

He's a lover of animals, dude.

He's a lover of animals and all creatures.

Francis of a sissy. Yeah, especially you,

bro. They're talking about fucking killing the cats.

What would you do if a Haitian got tibbled?

That'd be a problem.

I'd be... Who's killing the cats?

The Haitians. Some of the Haitians killed the cats, but it wasn't a Haitian

that ate that cat. That lady? Yeah,

it was just a lady on fucking bath salts. Yeah, the fucking one girl girl's like that's not a Haitian that's just a black lady we don't care about race it's like that's technically not that type of black person well yeah she was saying it was uh yeah I mean right now there I watched a video on Aurora Colorado and the guy was trying to prove they were like Venezuelan gang members.

And most people were like, gee, the gangs.

And then one guy came out and was like, man, it's not fucking gangs.

Everyone, they've been, people have been shooting here forever.

He thinks that he's like, they're definitely being bust in here.

But he's like, there's more going on than we can ever put together.

It's like, fuck yeah, dude.

Nice.

It's a government coup.

Yeah. He's like, yeah, I think there's something else.
Is that something else is at play here? It's like, nice. Can't get, you can't get lost in the weeds.
I don't know. Overall disastrous stretch of days for me.
That's tough. Are you sober? Yeah.
How many days? Don't worry about it. Two? No.
What day is it? Wednesday. Wednesday.
This is day four. Let's go, dude.
NDD.

You're glowing, bro.

Thanks, man.

I hate it.

I'm getting drunk.

When?

Soon.

How's it been leaving like a five-day stretch and then hitting like a hangover?

Because I guess you have like the clarity to juxtapose yeah how's that been same same as it ever was I mean it's way easier to take five days off and get a hangover than drink for five days and get a hangover on the fifth you know what I mean yeah it's a significantly better experience yeah true that makes sense are you pissed i didn't take a little tune she is in the kendrick in the dirty south that's fine do you know about that no what uh i think the super bowl is in st louis this year was it new orleans new orleans wisconsin yeah and they could could have got but they didn't they picked kendrick bird man's pissed kendrick lamar's doing halftime is he really he's gonna call drake a pedophile in front of the entire world birdman stun is pissed burman just tweeted this is some hate and for real it is some some hate and shit, dude. And then I watched Lil Wayne perform at WrestleMania and it was freaking horrible.

WrestleMania. tweeted, this is some hate and shit for real.
It is some hate and shit, dude. And then I watched Lil Wayne perform at WrestleMania and it was freaking horrible.

This is the mania, bro.

This is tough.

It's all true.

Mania is a tough crowd for a

rap concert. Yeah, definitely.

Limp Bizkit rocked WrestleMania. Did he play?

Yeah. I think he did the

Undertaker's intro. Dude, I had a dream

where I was sniping people and every time I hit a headshot, the Undertaker intro started playing. All right.
That's pretty sick. That's all I got.
That's all I got this week. Hold on.
Is Dog whizzing? No, Limp Bizkit played keep on rolling, baby, uh undertaker rode a motorcycle down the ramp at mania i mean dude you can't really beat that it's as good as it gets that does fuck me up because that's like where i started off with what is cool like my whole entire foundation of what is cool is wrestling so for a long time i would just stone cold center my cousins be like i I'm the coolest guy on the planet this is what you do to everyone pulling off a stunner is pretty fucking satisfying it's really dangerous it got so bad to a point where I came home from the mountains one weekend and I call I like went over and knocked up for Frank's like yo let's go play outside and he knew it was coming he's like dude I know you're gonna stunner me I swear to god I'm not i fucking started him in the front yard did you kick him in the stomach yeah it's a stone cold stunner he's my fucking hero bro that would do it to have the retard cousin walk over your house and knock on the door and be like he's gonna fucking stunner me my other mary just reminded me what i did to her when i was like fucking three what the the fuck are those socks? No show, so it doesn't stink.

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What is it?

I'm wearing fucking low profile socks.

So let him get a profile on the side on that.

My van.

Oh, I see.

Right side, brother.

I know you're talking about like a little ballerina slippers.

Yeah.

I'm like sketch, bro.

So what happened?

What did you do to our cousin when you were three? Oh oh she i was like doing something to frank at the swing set and she's like billy stop and i literally just looked at her you're a fucking bitch and i ran home and she told aunt marcia and then i got my mouth washed out with soap i was like i remember getting my mouth washed out for soap it's like fucking three or four years like fuck you bitch i had a baseball bat and blew my uncle's headlight out for no reason billy went on a spree i saw you walking around with that thing and i was like what the fuck and i was like whatever and then you they wouldn't let me see well you hit our dog in the stomach we had an elder dog i don't remember that he was a tiny tiny billy was like very very little like didn't know what was going on i think he broke uncle jack's tail late and then you hit our like our dog was like dying you hit it in the stomach and it just pissed everywhere i don't remember i was watching fucking wrestling i was watching wrestling just gut i mean i should he was he was wasn't even like of a conscious age that's why i was just kind of like where are you going with that bet it's like fucking hitler in art school dude they wouldn't let me skate you should just let the man into art school if you would have let me skate i wouldn't do this shit they would have skateboard competitions and not let me skate you were too young you couldn't skate yet you got hurt you could have gotten hurt i don't care i'll still go hard no you're trying to skip the normal process of things you had to practice wrestling moves for so many years then yes you have to press yeah You you have to do wrestling for several years. You weren't really a big skateboarder from what I remember.
Some guys go straight from wrestling moves to football. I did.
Yeah. That's a good progression.
Skater is a fucking deadly thing to put in the mix. Skaters, that can fucking get up.
It's like all Navy Seals are skaters. Or football.
It's one or the other. Yeah, skaters or football, surfer types, pretty much like Wes Watson.
Skater, snurfer, snowboarder from Nago. Skater, surfer, snowboarder.
Why do you have to make fun of me? You? Yeah. Why? He said, oh, look at your socks.
They caught me off guard, honestly. Inferring that, something.
I thought you were wearing your ladies' socks. Nah, these are just, they just caught me off guard.
That's all. You know you were wearing your ladies socks nah these are just they just caught me off guard that's all you know i didn't mean to make funny i'm sorry you always do it though sorry they're low profile they're low profile socks you wear they're good with like loafers and stuff yeah my tea is high right now is it for i've been playing warhammer space warhammer space marine 2 dude reggie's out bro don't distract from the Warhammer discussion.
I'm sorry. What is that? Is that like some like World Warcraft shit? No, this one's like Gears of War.
Oh, Gears of War was sick. It's like new Gears of War.
All around me are familiar faces. That's the greatest commercial for a fucking video game ever.
It was so nice. Xbox 360 came out.
Oh, my God. Do you remember that, Matt? No.
So this isn't like goblins and stuff. This is like mortals.
But I'm not controlling the goblins. I'm controlling one guy.
I'm controlling a space marine named Titus. And right now we're fighting the Tyranids.
We're trying to get rid of the Tyranids. Did you get the PS5? Don't laugh at the Tyranids.
No, I do. That would be.
I would love to leave my reality my reality engaging like a fucking space battle with aliens right now it'd be awesome you can do it get a ps5 it just came out i know dude i just i just know myself i will fuck with this game dude i know i would it's in the future it's just war and the humans have resorted to like religion it's pretty sick awesome that's fine that's awesome yeah we kind of did enter a period of just well it's pure war now we have just we just have war i was just talking to this last night with spade he uh he was talking about 1984 the book there's a war that's just always going on and no one knows who they are but they're just always happening yeah it's currently rushing the ukraine and also there's a fucking screen that you scream at for five minutes every day yes debate stage it's pretty good yeah he kind of nailed it orwell did know it he's a good socialist boy though was he did not know that yeah comrade he did hate communism though he wrote animal farm yeah i heard about that book just a good socialist boy who was it that didn't know it was about communism me was it you i don't know i was just listening that was like animal farm's good i was like yeah it's about something they're like what they thought it was like charlotte's web you thought it was just a story about animals like yeah that makes sense if you read that like in high school you don't know I mean i wouldn't have known about like yeah but in high school they would have absolutely told you this is about yeah this is not going to communism fair enough otherwise the book the book's gibberish without that yeah true i honestly i didn't know until because i like skipped that one in high school i was like i'm I'm not reading this fucking bullshit. And then I never knew about that.
It's like 80 pages. You could have crushed that and been like, I just nailed it.
That's kind of nice. I got three under my belt, I think, all the time.
Kabalion being one of them. Three total books? Oh, yeah, dude.
Feast. Fucking, I just lose it.
I'll start reading it, same page over and over again, same line over and over again, then just start daydreaming. Maybe you'll break through once you hemisync.
I know. I'm going to try.
I'm going down to Virginia for six days. I can't wait.
By myself. For what? The Monroe Institute.
It's a guy that teaches you how to fucking lose a dream. And I want to beat sleep paralysis.
That's my only thing, dude. I get it a lot well that makes sense and then also spade was like dude you should try this you fucking dream and stuff like that so I'm gonna go and save it actually works or not that would be awesome man that'll be they asked me how I'm getting there so I'm fucking driving motherfucker to Virginia six-year yeah yeah hauling ass just got my hinges fixed we're in Virginia I don't know I think it's a near Maryland closer to Maryland you think they're gonna fucking telepathically tell you how to get there well the CIA fucking is involved in it so I'm a little weirded out by that oh you're CIA boy now no no no they want you to sabotage us why would I try to sabotage these plant dude you think I'm fucking you're right here what's his name what's that guy ray from Januaryuary 6th ray epps you're right let's storm the capital let's go in the capital i'm excited for you there's guys in solitary confinement and that dude just didn't go to jail we're back we're back he went on oprah like i can't believe i'm getting death threats like dude how are you not in solitary they also gave everyone from january 6 re-education

fucking courses and it's it tells them that trump is a threat to democracy you have to go through a legitimate re-education course in order to like continue your rehabilitation where where were they where do they store them in women's prison sounds like some girl shit what i'm kidding it's crazy how to go to a trump is bad class

yeah sounds like some girl shit what i'm kidding it's crazy how to go to a trump is bad class yeah do you know the proud boys like started in port richmond yeah i did hear that that's weird as shit you never know i mean it's not yeah it's not that weird but i i do i didn't know when i found out i was like damn that was like have you been to port richmond it's yeah i met dudes from port richmond it kind of checks out yeah it's the polish capital of philadelphia yeah oh yeah it's all polish it's all polish it's all polishes man the proud people are pissed off and dude polish white trash is like another it's like kind of weird looking yeah there's those dude there's those boys you spy those boys and you go the fuck it's like dude just stand outside they don't think all day it's literally you can tell you can you can visually see the difference it's like when you see an african and an african-american yes you see a polack and a white dude you're like that guy's from somewhere else yeah he's not of this world i didn't know there was a nice polack man i like paul oh yeah there's and shit up there kielbasa, pierogies, you name it you can get some good kielbasa up there you know I like it you like kielbasa? my girlfriend's dad gets fucking cheese stuffed hot dogs bro those are good as fuck that's the last time you crush this is podcasting 101 yeah she laying down going my girlfriend's dead yes cheese stuffed hot dogs and the spicy kielbasa's with jalapenos and I can't believe you guys just brush past warhammer fuck we get back to that space means too you can say that's I don't know is that part of warhammer i mean i think you're just pumping it up because you can't stop against yeah the best i'm about to download madden because the birds are all right dude it's gonna let you down i watched that last weekend i was like dude everyone's fucking hurts if he just would like care about the team it's the same thing every year don't don't do it it's the same thing why can't i have stuff that i like j brown the such a diva if you would just do we win the super bowl every year quick question with these cheese filled hot dogs is there a way you can like squeeze them with the cheese sports yeah no no it's No. Is it white cheese? Jalapeno cheddar.
It's out of the wiener. Canadian yellow sperm.
When was the last time you crushed a dog, dude? Baseball game a couple months ago. Wow.
Dude, the Wawa hot dogs that are the big ass ones. Game of O'Connor had nine hot dogs before the national anthem.
That's what I'm talking about. That's what I need to be talking to.
Cheese stuffed hot dogs are gooder than a mug they are they are the best my family my family got it like once and i spent maybe stuff crust maybe six years being like can we get cheese cheese never got it again it's the same thing it was one time it is no one has ate stuffed crust more than one time you get stuffed crust once then never get it again. If you're eating stuffed crust every fucking week for pizza night, your fucking mom's on drugs.
Yeah, true. But as a young man, you get that sweet cheese dog.
Oh, yeah. You go, can we get the cheese on these motherfuckers? Every time we go to the Giant, I go, can we get the cheese with dogs? Yeah.
They're good. Yeah, sure, Shane.
What color? What was the reasoning for not getting you the cheese dogs yeah they're good yeah sure shane what color what was the reasoning for the not getting you the cheese dogs again i think anything i suggested was completely out of mind within 10 seconds did you ever slip something into the cart uh that was my move i usually left immediately when i went with my mom grocery shopping or shopping i would go by myself to like the magazine section check out slam magazine I was pumped on slam there's an ad with Spike Lee on the he was selling Nike's and on the back he was like something about these damn shoes I saw the word damn and i was like holy fuck that's how you spell

it yeah this changes everything i did the same shit with real world and lesbian there was on the real world there's a girl with a shirt lesbian that's when i was a google image demon and i fucking saw that i was like lesbian lesbian ran upstairs google search lesbian i was like yo what What the fuck?

These things kiss each other?

Big boobs is a constant Google search.

Nothing.

Big boobs. Let me see it first thing that comes up is a gremlin oh man why have they taken big boobs from us cuz dude now yeah huge tits dude what comes exactly what you search Martinez bigs big plans to have yo i see i see that yeah is she rocking okay never mind i thought for a second i thought she was a trump who's one of justin she goes many disguises i was like wait a second yeah my all my google search was just different adjectives and boobs yeah this is bill this is pretty do you love them this stuffed up i'm looking at like the world's biggest no no no dude i was in like third grade i just knew boobs existed they would try to get me to look at i'll tell you what big boobs holds up if you google it oh yeah yeah if you scroll down here's that guy the trash dump you were talking about earlier that was what we're talking about it was like a stocky mexican from Honduras with just seas it was wild I looked at the dude why did you do that yeah freaking me out I mean dude I imagine he's it was like a dude I just thought you dogs piss they pay yeah definitely fucker you must be watching was it on the fucking on this this? Yeah.
Fuck yes. It's washable.

The plan works.

Well, I'm going to have to go wash my hands. True.
Take a break. It'll be McCusker Brothers.
Chat it up. I got to get the fucking cleaner.
God damn it. Dang it.
Hello, everybody. Sorry for the interruption.
This is Sean Gardini. I'm in Tempe, Arizona right now, and I just wanted to remind you.
Well, first, I wanted to thank you if you came to Tempe, Arizona. And secondly, I wanted to remind you that I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah this weekend at Wise Guys Comedy Club.
I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah, September 13th and 14th. Please come.
I'm going there tomorrow. I'll be with our dear friend Aiden McCluskey, Salt Lake City, Utah, Wise Guys Comedy Club.

Link for tickets is below.

Thank you.

God bless you.

Please come.

I'm going to come.

Also, our dear friend, Matt McCusker, will be in Providence, Rhode Island tonight throughout the weekend at the Comedy Connection.

Matt McCusker will be at the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island, September 12th through September 14th. Link for tickets is below.
Please go see him. He'll also be in Cleveland, October 10th through the 12th.
The Wilbur in Boston on October 18th. The Milwaukee Improv on October 24th through the 26th.
Capital One Hall, Tyson's Virginia on November 15th and Town Hall in New York on November 16th. And I'll be there with him.
So go to mattmccusker.com for tickets, but go see him in Providence, Rhode Island tonight through Saturday. Matt McCusker, our dear friend.
mattmccusker.com, mattmCusker.com. MattMcCusker.com.
Also, go see Shane Gillis everywhere at ShaneMcGillis.com in Canada soon. And the Wells Fargo Center.
Go see our dear friend, ShaneMcGillis. ShaneMcGillis.com.
Link for tickets is in the description and in the comments. Thank you very much.

God bless you.

Now let's get back to the show.

All right, everyone tell your deepest secrets.

Oh, shit.

That was a fucking sweet shit we did in grade school.

Sleepovers.

Yeah, who do you like was nice.

Yeah, for real.

Who do you like was nice?

I told someone I would touch an electric fence if they told me. They told me.

I was like, damn, I don't think you're going to tell me. Whatever happened, that dude said he's going to eat shit if FSU dies.
FSU dies? You know what I mean? Fucking loses. I don't know.
You're thinking Warhammer right now. I'm telling you, you guys are going to Matt, you would love it.
I gave my fucking ass. I know I would love it.
who'd you give it to mexican which one no someday he might have sold i think he might have sold it for a pair of knuckles i uh i was doing my kitchen and took everything out my first word i was like dude just give this to your nino brother gave him a brand new xbox i mean if i if i had that i am i i mean yeah new new call of duty coming to a duty yeah i i don't do it because i'm just chasing a dragon there's nothing better on this planet than call of duty during covet it was the greatest ever nothing will ever come close to it it was the most fun remember when we would go in there yes i can get in people's heads so good in call of duty and fuck with them it's fucking amazing even if i'm losing i can still make people lose fucking frame really it's it's a very good fucking i'm good with shit talking i'm not that good at duty so i'll be like a fucking pretty good 10 to 50 kd and like dude you fucking suck and then the people just spaz they're probably autistic so yeah really maybe i'm not that great at getting into people i got good i was getting good you can get dude when you play it for a long time you go to sleep like going around corners in your fucking head i couldn't imagine having pts day like a soldier i play call duty i'm like whoa fuck i wake up real quick pick it up shooting something yeah to do that shit in real life has to body or play duty long enough then you walk outside and you check rooftops yeah i could not imagine absolutely terrible going live would be insane i mean what else is going on no name loss trump loss i was trying to pull up a sick ass fucking clip i i thought you guys would enjoy this but i spaz and my thing went on hold on let me say the new apple shit's fucking weird it was pretty smart it gave you your maybe that's a bigger gift I don't know but your body is a miraculous thing so I would think it's by design hey I'm picking out the toxins that i brought in why would now that go back in and if the case were true why wouldn't it be longer so we can just drink it out of the hose that's a great question because maybe you shouldn't be drinking your it's meant to go away yes i entertain that philosophy and, right? That's good reason. However, that reason has been trumped by me enjoying drinking my beer.
You just enjoy it. Like I enjoy a beer sometimes on a hot day.
I like the energetics of it. So you feel different.
Correct. Don't you think? Your own therapy is no joke.
The music is so...

I couldn't hear the music.

Yeah, it was too low-fi.

All we got was the...

My bad.

I liked the...

But that's been trumped by the fact that I like drinking my own piss.

Well, that's good reason, dude.

Oh, good, good, yes.

Flat Earth Dave fucking talks about this a lot,

urine therapy and how he like rubs it on his face and there's plasma in it. So like if you piss, you have to let the beginning stream out.
That's all the toxins. And then you get the fucking midstream.
And then at the very end, you let it go back in the toilet. And then you can use that for skin care, drinking it if you want, if you want to make a nice drink, you drink your own piss and rub it all over yourself.
Yes, that's what he does. I haven't got into urine urine therapy me and spade just listened to the whole thing on the guy who was doing dry fast and drinking his own piss so like a 10 day drive fast he's gonna die very very soon if he's a beast he does fucking extended dmt sessions with like john hopkins so he does dmt for like 30 minutes it's fucking crazy the intravenous dmt shit just absurd dude wait the Dry yeah he's first off you want to you want to see a guy on a dry fast ripping dmt go to the bees yourself he's been staying with me a lot i've seen him drink uh like three sodas no water he's a no water man yeah he must have solid piss that has to come out like slime yeah or that orange stuff that neon orange p that stuff you ever see someone who like is really really not really taking like care of themselves at all it's always like bright orange you're like dude yeah i've worked with guys and they're using a bottle yeah oh god the is that they're like what like your piss is orange dude they're like yeah what it's not supposed to be chug of water right now yeah chug five yeah i like how those guys got to that point where they're having like a serious sit down they're like if you drink your pee why don't you eat your poop and he's like come on man i'll be ridiculous dude they've they've intellectualized themselves all the way back fucking second grade yeah like if you drink pee why don't you eat poop whoa he's like well they're playing who wants to be a millionaire music behind it it's like boom boom boom boom boom boom god would have made our dicks longer so we could drink right out of them like a hose and he's like yeah the fucking instagram will make you want to put down a podcasting microphone for the rest of your life you see the people that rip shorts on there you're just like dude what am i doing yeah this is what i am i got some good i got the you see the asu kids yes they ruled it's crazy dude who's the best frat on asu campus probably sick guy but i don't know they're gonna, but I don't know.
They're going to get a hold of this. Shout out to those boys.
Keep it up, dude. They're youngsters, too.
The youngsters, every comment is like, sending hate from Indiana. Keep it up.
Fucking that is, they have some perseverance because they just fucking blow through that. I see a bad comment.
I do, what the fuck? I was watching it. The kid, the one the best the best guest on there is the dj kid with the spike tear yes who's like he looks like he's in verve and he's like i've been seeing it by the way i love that he immediately he that's the one clip i saw he was like you get so many negative comments how do you keep how do you keep going it's like bro you get negative comments too don't put it all on the that he was like no i honestly don't care i was watching i was like yeah right yeah there's no way 21 years old if everyone was like dude you're a loser stop doing this i'd be like what the now as you bought rules there's another one where it's like high school kids gardenia always sends me i forget what it's called though i gotta check it out what's your top five

it's probably better than us when's the last time you've been to church yeah they're little podlings dude they gotta grow i enjoy it dude i i'm trying to get off the net though for real you're you're pretty online be the most online i know i'm literally saying hey guys. All right.
I can help. I need some detox.
I'm going to the fucking Monroe center for six days. I'm just going to put my phone in a fucking drawer.
You're going to be in that little unit cranking your hog on your phone, dude. CIA guys are going to be watching you jack off.
Nice. Literally would never.
I asked for help. And this is what this is what I did.
The lights are going to come on loudly and you're going to be in a room the bright lights glass window where people are studying you. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
You've been in here for five minutes. You masturbated twice.
Please get off Reddit. Send in the probe.
They're no reddit for you i got kicked off my own reddit why we got demodded me and spade i have no idea i don't go on the thing anymore there's a coup there's some dude fucking took it over have it he can have that shit so i don't know shit billy like literally has fucking schizophrenia this is what i've seen from listening to him on a podcast i've i figured out all of his mental disabilities. Somebody's got a Facebook for me.
Are you serious? Yeah, and then it sucks. They literally, yeah, there's like a page for me on Facebook.
That's got a lot of followers. And every day the guy posts pictures of grilled cheese.
Says I'm making them at night. Yeah.
And people are like, shut the fuck up. We get it, dude.
You had one had one good joke shut the fuck like people are getting like aggressive my mom texted me about it yesterday is it a fan page or is it like the guy pretending to be is he catfishing he's catfishing as you i believe yeah that's fun oh it's on facebook too which is yeah i haven't been back to facebook for a while fucking shit facebook is insane do insane. Do you watch A Curious Case in Italian Grace? Oh, let's go.
Let's go. This is why I get paid the big bucks.
I did watch it, bro. Wait, did you just acknowledge Facebook was crazy before you went to the next topic? Yes, yes.
I thought it coincided with it. Yes, that's what I'm saying.
It reminded me of them on Facebook. Bro, it's the best the best they were not lying they told me about the whole thing and i still was confused watching it as a who's the bad guy uh it makes it pretty clear that fucking maniac dude is the biggest piece but in the beginning when that fucking chick's like all the neighbors like yeah she pulled the little kid's pants down and tried to touch his dick.
Hold on. So the thing is about a lady.

A Ukrainian woman.

I think we're just going to have to spoil her this.

Spoil the whole fucking thing.

We're going to have to spoil her.

So go watch it. We've got a podcast to do here.

We've got a podcast.

We've got to discuss this.

Matt.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

It's the craziest documentary I've seen.

It was a midge though, right?

It was a midge.

It was a midge.

Yeah. A little person.
She had severe, like her legs were fucked up her arms like everything bow legged as a mug yeah she had like deformed legs dorf from ukraine fingers fucked up the whole nine from ukraine this couple drives down to florida to pick her up at like a strip mall so great uh they get get in, they get, but it was, it was the plug. It was the broker.
It was like, it was a random fucking strip mall in Florida that like was just hawking a chick. It's crazy.
They were like this. The dude is the biggest bullshitter in the world.
And he, you know, he's the type of liar that like, I, you you you've seen these types of liars before i hate these dudes that lie this way like he was like and then the officer came in after me and my wife had a domestic dispute he said i know you're entirely right boom here's my card call me whenever you want those are his exact words he walked in within five minutes he knew exactly who was right in the situation his words. Exactly.
He said, sir, I know you're exactly right. Here's my card.
They fucking know that was true. They adopt this chick and the guy's like, it was the best day of my life.
And then we brought her home and my wife was ghost white. And she just said, look down.
And there was pubic hair. She's six years old.
This girl is not six years old. She's 20.
so then they got a chick in their house who they're claiming is a grown woman pretending to be a six-year-old wait oh so the wife went down to like change her and just saw a big old ukrainian supposedly allegedly so dude that's what i'm saying definitely did not absolutely after watching the whole thing that was a crazy lie it was an insane why was it like just like a landing strip or like I don't know but the the dude is out of his mind and the whole time he's just trying to throw a wifey under the bus because they're like I I don't know what the going on there well what I mean we're jumping around but so then i so then after the discovery of the pubic air they're like allegedly maybe it's just a freak thing and we're gonna try to welcome her into our home and do us but then allegedly the daughter keeps taking out knives and trying to kill all the other family members and is like she literally walks into their bedroom at night and stands out with a knife and he's like i was terrified i said what are you doing and she just stared at me and i said you need to go back to bed it's the plot of the orphan yeah it's crazy instead by the way if you saw this kid who ended up actually being that age, yes, it was literally a fucking seven year old girl, allegedly holding a knife in his bedroom, a disabled seven year old, 45 pounds. If that, yeah, the wife got over.
Reggie broke into your room. Yeah.
The wife got overtaken by her at a farm and they said she tried to drag the wife to an electric fence to kill her it's like dude she's literally a bag of fucking sheetrock or a bag of fucking joint compound and that thing drags you everything like you're lying but they fucking they shipped her off into a well before they ship her off they keep saying tell us that you're a fucking adult and she just like has no idea what's going on because she's fucking six and they make her stand with her head on the wall and she cannot move so i didn't believe that story either there's pictures and videos the video of it for the two minute one and it was coming from the guy the guy's lying about everything the guy was like this is what i'm saying sorry to fucking the guy was like i came home from work i said how long has natalia been sitting there my wife looked at me and she said seven hours she soiled herself she defecated and my wife wouldn't let her she stood against that wall for 12 straight hours it's like no she didn't dude yeah that was a little bit of a lie he was lying they also have an autistic son in it and they're like should we talk about uh the staircase and he's like yeah i mean i didn't say that but you know i'm just guns blazing right now so they're hot mic'd upstairs talking about how they booted this midget down the stairs they hot mic themselves they go upstairs and admit that they kicked a child with a disability down the steps yeah they're the biggest sacks of shit they but they they hold on so then in order to so she they child protective services is obviously on their ass because other neighbors can see them locking her outside putting her on the deck they're locking out dude and the whole time you're watching the documentary you're like maybe she is 20 and trying to kill the family and they're the victims and then they legally get they go to a court they go to the court and legally change her age to 22 all right when she's what nine ten eight or nine yeah so then now that she's 22 they don't they can set her out into the world so they get her an apartment in the hood like one of those apartments where you see like who the lives

here they leave a disabled nine-year-old girl in an apartment to herself and then the how about the

video of him coming over and harassing her like where'd you get the donuts well dude there's you

get the there's videos from the neighbor that's like eight-year-old midget going up to like this

dude's son and playing with him and he's like dude like she smelled like not like bad like her vagina like you could smell her fucking it was just a child who could number one couldn't bathe yeah or change her own clothes they literally left the kid there oh my god dude that fires me up so much that's crazy this episode is brought to you by Call of Duty. Calling all Call of Duty fans, Verdansk is back in Call of Duty Warzone.
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Not available in all states the guy acts out the wife beating the kid and there's multiple cameras the room he's gonna put the camera to the ground point the camera he gets out of the couch and starts wailing on the floor and then hurts as hard as he can and cries and he's like ow he's not he's not stood so they adopted they adopted you gotta see there's there's a part where he threw the deposition with the court he gets all of his wife's like facebook messages and one of them is to another random midget that she fucks she's sexting him she's sexting a baller of a midget that guy is like's like they interview the the midget that cheated on her he's a beast and he's just like yeah i fucked it i've never seen a more chaotic house in my life there's just everything everywhere there's nothing is in its place and there's just random shit everywhere and he's just on a fucking electric scooter it's wild he's talking about how he's a chow these best bedsheets fling off, dude. He goes so hard on the box.
What? Yeah. That's what the midget said.
The midget. Yeah.
That kind of makes sense. Was he a major with a monster? That dude got the deposition and all that shit and got all of her Facebook messages.
And this chick's just banging everyone. He said he was reading shit, just falling on the floor.
Cause like the handyman would come over and she would bang him. He cries the entire second half.
Oh, it's crazy. Every interview he's in, he's sobbing.
And he said, dude, they read the text messages on the screen. And he's like, you know, she would play with my head.
So she would be like, dude, you got to fucking drop these charges against me or else I'm not giving you this. send like a picture of her in lingerie and then he would simp and be like all right i'll drop the charges it would be like i need custody of kids or you will never see this again it's the greatest quote deal greatest quote in the world he's like not all forms of abuse are physical some are from withholding and i got in trouble because i got a wee date addicted to porn the dude is the most hateable guy in the world i've never seen anyone more hateable just grips up two black lawyers too on some like black people are cool shit bro the lawyers are horrible lawyers are horrible he got two black lawyers like when you're like 10 or 11 years older he's like oh that's a black person they're cool so he just got two fucking black people and he goes there for two years and just chills with the guys like sits there and like jokes around with them how much do you think those dudes hated him oh they they were looking at him like dude you are the worst they're bringing this guy he's like these are my best friends in the world and he's just guys i feel like myself anymore he comes in like happy he's on trial for abusing a child and he comes into the thing like we're fighting for my life fellas and i got the best guys in the world fighting for me look at you you guys are so awesome it makes you hate lawyers because the fucking the wife has another lawyer yeah and in the case they legally change her age to 22 So you can't talk about how it's a kid and this like the the child doctor was like on a zoom with the other dudes or the with the chicks lawyer and it's like well it was a kid it had like its growth plates weren't connected or anything he goes we will not talk about how this is a child it she is 22 year old adult and the guy's like i mean are you serious and the lawyer just he's like well i guess we don't care about facts yeah excuse me no hold on i'm not you're talking you're telling me i don't care about facts where are they from indiana yeah somehow to a couple in indiana both grips up black lawyers it's like there's lawyers dude and they're jewish that's who you need they're the best at it they're lebron james either way they did get get LeBron James lawyers.
True. They got the lawyer put the gloves on and they're Jewish.
That's who you need. They're the best at it.
They're LeBron James. Either way, they did get LeBron James lawyers.

True.

The lawyer put the gloves on and beat the case.

They beat the case entirely.

They're fine.

They're fine.

They're totally innocent.

Who has the kid?

She's fucking 19 now.

She's like 21.

According to the courts, she's like 58 now.

True.

For real.

You can legally change someone's age? Yes. Yeah.
It happens supposedly a bunch with like dominicans and shit that come up so they'll be like oh he's fucking 12 and in reality he's like 18 playing little league just slamming homers yeah i might i might change my age to 16 and trap my wife you could do sick like send her right to jail you had sex with a minor you sicko that might it might be the most hateable dude in the world and that his wife is my anti-bone it's like the mo the chick that is just brutal to be around yeah it's uh awful yeah it sounds like a clear cut case of like they stink they it's a roller coaster bro when you're watching this you have no idea what the to think the more the guy talks though you realize yeah you've you've seen this guy yeah you've seen this movie a million you've met this type of liar yeah so the weirdest lies with confidence does you have like the intense eye contact a lot of intense liars will like lock in on your eyes like dude i'm telling you i'm just full eye contact making up quotes be like hold on this is exactly what they said i remember exactly what they said he got into oblivion so i mean he did get broke the fact that he's still on this earth plane blows my mind i would have killed myself like seven times if i was this dude hooked by image is almost though kind of like i mean yeah that's like cheating on you for and leaving you for a woman yeah it could be worse yeah it'd be like we say that but my image is at least i would know i dodge a bullet because that's a crazy person yeah it's like a real cool midget it's like you were with he was his house was insane his house was up but he was like a country singer it was his star it's kind of a beast he was swagged out oh and he said his pepper is nothing to fucking sneeze at either. I bet.
Maybe a midge, but not down there. Yeah, I've seen their work online.
Midget porn style. I don't think I've ever seen one.
There's a few fucking like OnlyFans girls that go on all those like LA podcasts. One's a midget.
I'm like, damn. I've never watched one.
Never seen midget porn? Never. Really? I swear.
I fucking... I've glimpsed it.
I used to be on eFucked all the time. What? I used to be on eFucked.com all the time.
Yeah, it was one of those things. Trish or shit.
I was like, maybe this is something I'm into. I watch it.
I was like, and again, there's no disparaging to the community, but I was this is definitely genuinely not for me yeah and there's a dude that like if you go down that roll there's also like like related search like extra extra extra extra small girl wearing just like all right that's you're just trying to get like child porn suboxone probably yeah oh all right see you midge no a lot of it is dude midges bagging girls these are all just short oh

here we go found it freaky midget door sexy german teen tight teeny on public toilet yeah dude they

get like sixth graders to all right yeah it's up that was a mistake it's real fun you tossing a

toilet in there for no reason also that's skibbity it's not

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it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's up that was a mistake it's real fun you toss in a toilet in there for no reason also that's skibbity it's basically tossing a toilet for some reason i love a god doll what the brain rod on instagram is just getting to me i can't hear it anymore bro those were down bad they got double trunk chocolate cookie fucking pisses me off so bad that's child abuse dude what is they have videos of this dude like like other people are filming them doing their instagram content and he's making the kid re-say something like smiling the camera the dad's a lunatic the risley bro not the risler it's the boom the risler's back in school he's back to his normal life the risers the only one i give a pass to

that's the that kid is just a kid who got famous on instagram this summer and now it is back in

fourth grade so he just chill with celebrities all summer and now he's in fourth grade somewhere

it's insane who the wrizzler the wrizzlers just going back to grade school who the wrizzler

so he would i don't know this guy so he he became internet famous and now he's just a little chubby boy grubbing is he the one who's grubbing Costco is he separate than them I don't know the name it's like AJ Big Justice Big Justice and his dad they're in Costco filming themselves eating chicken bakes and and double chomp they go to costco they go to costco and eat the same thing over and over again rate it yeah it's insane it's hilarious and it never stops it is funny that's why it's a smash hit bro they go to costco with like ring lights and film themselves eating it's like you can see people in the background just like dude what the fuck's going on shit's confusing as fuck it's like so i go i'll shut up and listen no it's all right i'm still following the hawk of two of stuff i've seen she's a millionaire she's doing really making the push she seems actually very nice i'm sure she is nice although it's uh you know it is one of those things it's like to act it does it sets a weird precedent where it's like bro if a camera hits you say something kind of slutty and you could become the next millionaire yeah there's a bunch of chicks that just went way overboard it's like I let dudes spit in my ass it's like alright that's what I'm saying so we're gonna continue on that got 5,000 likes congratulations good luck i have no i have no feelings against her it is it's just a it's a very bizarre thing to like gather around but yes perfect this is awesome dude spaz naturally i can't believe as i can big justice and his dad are eating chicken bakes and getting paid millions of dollars right now i can believe this it makes complete sense big justice is good at baseball though do you think he's better than baby gronk yeah baby just started off in his i don't i don't need to know this i want this taken i saw baby gronk's highlights he's nice he regulates bro that was that was some good bro he's no who's the kid that was the og pop warner star yes what is his name i don't know he looked like christian mccaffrey yes he was so fucking good fuck i gotta look that up that's gonna piss me off what was his it was like a cult or not it was the mcguffey mixtape and then him pop who the was that this is good podcasting i mean it was the greatest there was a great mixtapes that's all i did in seventh and eighth grade which is youtube noelle divine highlights noel divine hoops uh fucking slam or was it two five seeing them playing when they were younger no it was just when they were in high school like noel divine in high school like this is the greatest human at anything noel divine and sam mcguffey the mcguffey mixtape was that's one of my one of the things i put on our reddit before it was this kid's highlight tape pop warner highlight team cody paul cody paul cody paul literally that's the best pop warner highlight tape of all time yes here's the good internet here's good internet yes we've been getting some shout outs on street beefs dude what dude yeah how nice is that it's awesome you guys shout out on street beef yeah we've got multiple damn that's sick maybe we did too man i think you actually might have i think someone hit me up about that i think he did i think i got a shout out on street beef as well yeah that was the highest compliment i was pretty stoked on that seven dude finish punching some guy and be like, that's what I'm saying. So sick.
Yeah, I really want to extract. I should know a fucking thing about Baby Gronk.
I should read a book or something. This is getting bad.
This is what it is, bro. This is where we're at.
Yeah, but as a society, I'm sitting down, Warhammer 4,000 bros. I'm Warhammer, then pick up the phone with Baby Gonks highlights back to war it's like which one can we make all the sodas go in order the way they're at they're at underneath of it it's absurd i don't i don't want to live anymore this is taking my will i've been trying to improve what went to the gym no yeah i told you sauna and cold plunge at at the gym is nice and that but then you gotta hide your tiny penis in the locker room put a towel over yeah i did but i'm still you know wow wow oh i know this place i know what you're talking about now yeah i remember that shane's with the blue bloods of philadelphia yeah i know what you're talking about i'm just trying to go somewhere that you know everyone posts pictures you're like you are like trump dude you like eastern block tall women model types like you are you remind me of trump that way thank you bro that's sick thank you you're going in you're going in the lift for the wasps thank you bro that's nice same thing you and trump same dude but i do jones also jones the same way he likes big eastern block women models thank you thank you but i thought we could talk about hiding a penis in the gym locker room i'd never do it you don't i don't even let it get to that point i would have but there's a sauna and a shower or a cold front oh it's in the locker room in the gym so then it's like there is a sauna in the locker room just wear six fucking underarm or fucking compression shorts i mean just can't doll out stuff or dry your boxers in the sauna and just roll out take the boxers off while i'm in the sauna no no no no i'm saying they're going to be soaked bro i'm in the sauna i'm sweaty oh yeah fuck i'm saying they would dry from the cold now right were you pumping iron yeah what you hit don't worry about what I'm doing no I'm just curious like buys tries back you name it brother you did full body yeah I like that I want to work out by the way I'm crushed what do you mean I haven't worked out since I've been in Philly my my shit is fucking destroyed yeah lifting are you sore yes oh that sucks I lifted the last two days i'm dead you got a jerk spot right next to you go to yeah your ass there's a jerk spot right next to he's got a lymph node massage place next yeah i got a lymph node they released my nodes you guys know nothing about the lymph system right next you guys are so easy little place you guys are full of fluids i i pray you guys release them you they're gonna release they release your fluids right next to me right next to his house they're open all 24 hours so you can get your limbs has it ever called you 3 a.m somebody falls asleep upstairs you go yeah sleepwalk head downstairs and get released that's time you get an ambient prescription just be like no i've never i've never had my lymph nodes released once my entire life damn i pray you guys aren't full fluid man it's man it can cause so many problems for sure but i'm saying i've never had a massage that ended with a lymph node release yeah professional massage i've never had a massage where at the end they go do you want to release your fluids you're a hooker yeah that's they're they're definitely not as if you've made it this far it's best to steer away from them yeah i could see falling into that as a young man you don't know about like the fact that they're probably like sex slaves and you find that out and you're like oh that's fucking shitty but i mean i'm cool you ever been uh you ever have your not a not a full-blown wash i've had old asian women take a pass at my penis really you were in a wishy-washy then huh then you were in a fucking normal place there's like women in there and everything did it say open on the window and a neon sign no this was like fucking chicks in there all sorts of really yes and a lady went for your penis lady went for my penis she was also strong what yeah she grabbed you yeah you're good yes no just grazed it hit me with the graze like three times i was like you're gonna don't need to do that you turn it down yeah i had a girl every time i get a massage i'm the i think it's gonna yeah it's the only thing i think about my penis gets smaller oh yeah doctors i'll get an absolute doctor's office if i go they're gonna try to jerk me off at the end of this holy yeah you shrivel god there's small doctor penis possible so i can even if i even i'm not saying i'm morally superior for not getting jacked off i literally even if i wanted to if i wanted to i'd still be too teenist up yeah that's crazy during a massage i become ridiculously engorged yeah i you have a history though yeah but you have history you're like a fucking vet going to war like shaking You were in a were in a hand in stone you were in a hand in stone massage place no it wasn't a hand in stone where was it it was an eight i'm not gonna fucking disclose the information of the fucking place like this is a normal spot dude it was a normal spot going oh so strong it's like bro you were in the wishy i dude i can't i can't i don't want to put my on spot, but someone told me it's fucking no bullshit, got a good spot.
And then that happened to me. And you call Kamala.
Oh, I know who this person was. I don't think she's a liar.
You call her a liar and you're here lying. I'm not lying.
You're a hypocrite, bro. This is you on the table.
Dude, I'm being honest. This is you on the table.
There's a... I just jacked your dog off.
I know who the mutual link is, and that doesn't strengthen your case, bro. No, it doesn't at all.
But I was fucking like 24. Do I know the mutual? Yes.
No, it wasn't my co-host. I didn't guess that.
He probably has some in the Rolodex. No, probably.
Who doesn't? I mean, it's the oldest profession, dude. I mean, dude, if you got into whoring, you'd be like Littlefinger in Game of Thrones because you can get the best ones now.
Imagine instead of going out on a date, chick just comes to your house, hottest one ever, you bang them, and then they leave. But I want love.
I just think it's fun. I know love i hear you i hear you i think those guys experience i don't want to cry i want love i think those guys eventually comb the streets i think they go to the top of the top and then they're like dude i started watching porn google imaging big tits and then you know what i saw a dude fuck a snake that's what happens those guys get the cream of the crowd that i kind of thankfully the dude the snake hit me in my late 20s yeah dude i got that when you got that when you were 12.
oh yeah the guy is the most graphic it's the worst video that's outside of people being murdered yeah i'll watch that no i can watch a train kill him before i watch okay a train train hitting someone that's not what murder are we talking the one that took me off you know what i can't do audio on the murder yeah no god listening to people scream unless it's like the one that took me off murders was uh these two brothers in i think it was in ukraine somewhere in eastern europe they would walk around they filmed themselves killing people oh with the hammers and yeah yeah yeah i saw that video that's an old one in 2009 yeah 2010 that set me back i've never that was tough i tried to stay

away that was real gross i was at a party and i had to pretend that i wasn't really shooken up by

it oh i saw bud dwyer sophomore year oh man that's crazy bud dwyer sophomore year i was like

Thank you. party and i had to pretend that i wasn't really shooken up by it oh i saw bud dwyer sophomore year oh man that's crazy bud dwyer sophomore year i was like drunk and high i was watching i watched all the blood rush out of his mouth and i was like is this bird man that's on there right now it's actually a pretty good song i like this mixtape yeah you gotta play it off yeah it's funny while you guys while i was out being a giant pervert i missed all the murder stuff i was just a sensuous guy going around trying to be touched i haven't never seen as nice any of these murder video everyone talks about murder videos like i haven't seen matt first time i ever met you what'd you do i showed you the guy jumping off the roof that was a suicide all right all right come on man it's true technically i'm telling you i'm talking about war footage.
I have never, like, I'm telling you, it just never hit my thing. I BME pain Olympics was, I tried and I was like, nope, not watching.
Thankfully. I never got that.
Rip that 12 years old. I heard about it.
I never saw it. Bro.
That's rough. I saw the glass bottle in the guy's asshole once.
Glass ass. Yeah.
It's a tough one. That's really tough.
Mr. Hand was kind of funny.
Two kids in a sandbox.

You find out what happened. Yeah, I don't think I saw that.
Two kids in a sandbox is a dude

screaming while a girl shoving a dildo

into his dick. Holy fuck, dude.

It's fucking brutal, dude.

Yeah, BME Pain Olympics, they like

flay themselves. Supposedly that's

like sub incisions. They like cut their

D's in half. Body modifications.

Bro, it's the I

tapped. I made seven seconds in

BME and I was like, this is not for me. I'm not

Thank you. themselves like sub incisions they like cut their d's in half body modifications bro it's i i tapped i made seven seconds in bma and i was like this is not for me i'm not i'm not doing this i used to sit there smiling showing all them this like dude check this out it's fucking crazy no idea what real pain was it was terrible we fed him like we fed the young man porn that was like we just incubated a gremlin dude what you feed your little brother porn we just absolutely incubated a gremlin.
He came back and he's like, look at this. We're like, what the fuck did you get that? Now he's stuck on baby Gronk.
He's reached the ultimate level. I've lost as a human.
I might as well try again. Scott King.
It'll be nice in my own. Crazy.

Own your guns nuts.

Every time I go upstairs and see my gun on my dresser,

I just go.

Good.

Not going to always got a gun.

Why the fuck?

It's crazy.

Kamala.

Kamala and that dude.

Kamala.

Mike Pence or whatever.

Yeah.

All balls,

walls.

What's her pervert husband's name?

Kamala Harris. Yeah.
I forget Doug or something. Yeah.
Is it Doug? Doug the per whatever. Yeah, Kamala's Mike Pence.
All balls, walls. What's her pervert husband's name? Kamala Harris? Yeah.
I forget. Doug or some shit.
Yeah. Is it Doug? Doug the pervert.
Yeah. Fucking faking Tourette's.
They're strapped as hell, bro. She's been about that forever.
Tim Walls is a freak, bro. I do have one political prediction.
I think she'll turn down any moderate, any, like, I think she'll turn down a fox to bit if the moderators are not on her side really going out on a limb i don't think she'll do it well i think it's scheduled i think it's scheduled for fox i thought i thought fox was scheduled she'll not she'll girl boss out and just say i ain't doing that see your accent in pittsburgh yes you better thank a union worker that was in detroit and and then went to pittsburgh it was like you better thank a union worker oh yeah she fucking just goes three hours earlier she was in detroit you better thank a union worker it makes complete sense what she is she just sounds like an indian who's trying to do a black voice and it's exactly right when she hits that like preacher shit it's like dude what the is good with you it's awkward It is all when I when she gets into like I watched her kind of switch a little last night and I was like girl boss Brad's good What are you on the phone? I was looking to see if they had a the Fox one schedule do that I Decided to get off my phone. I decided to unplug.
Thank you My face down if you can't you can't notice. That's why I got the dogs and I got a fucking guitar.
And I'm trying as much as I can to just learn shit. That'll help me.
Warhammer. Warhammer will not.
It'll keep you off your phone. No, it won't.
Yeah, it will. You're going to be locked in.
You're tightest. You need to fight the fucking Tyranids.
Is it story mode? Yes. Campania.
Is there an online? Yeah. What were we talking about? Is it is it first person shooting haven't gotten in there yet first person shooter uh it's like uh metal years of war so you're third person really it's exciting times for me i love that things are looking up i'm still waiting for the video games get good graphics what are you talking about they're still not there that you know what i'm talking about madden 99 or 98 had an image that was so sick of like almost like a video game like the green bay packer diving into an end zone catching a ball and i was like that's what video games are going to look like at some pretty close and they're close but they haven't got there yet no score also remake blitz league best video game of all time blitz league is the best video game of all time.
Yes or no? Blitz is the shit. No, no, no, no.
Blitz the league. He's just laying here.
I can't remember. What was he wanting me to do? It's good.
It's just funny as fuck. Have you played Blitz the league? I love Blitz the league.
It's so good. You can give your fucking guy steroids.
You played that against the Aztecs. The one guy who's just Tony Gonzalez, but not playing against Ron, Ron Mexico.
Yeah.

You can play as Michael Vick, Ron Mexico.

Yes, dude.

Blitz League is the greatest game ever.

I don't know why they fucking took it down.

Probably the NFL.

Yeah, but dude, they weren't the NFL.

It was just a football game.

I think Blitz League came out when Playmakers.

Playmakers was sick.

Was on ESPN.

That was wild.

You remember Playmakers, Matt?

No. I got an Under Armour Skullcat.
So did I. After watching Playmakers was on ESPN.
That was wild. You remember Playmakers, Matt? No.
I got an Under Armour skullcap. So did I.
After watching Playmakers. Brother? And it kept going into my forehead, so I didn't take it all.
I wore a skullcap. I wore it for one game, and it just kept going into my fucking brow line, so I was like, I got to stop this.
Like the Ray Lewis? Yes. Yes.
I wore a black skull skull cap playmakers is wild because i was just on the hunt for tvma if i saw a fucking show come out and said tvma in my head it was like tits so i would just sit there and try to watch playmakers with like nickelodeon on return on the remote and someone came in between hit return real quick that was a good ass show i see why you like this canine it's a good dog it's a fine canine stevie's over there pissing on the couch you stay in the cage she's natalia grace stevie's my natalia stevie is natalia grace i love how he's on the head all day mike barnett when he the guy who he finally gets exonerated in court and he calls his son he's like this whole thing's behind us literally while a documentary crews in front of him and a civil case is still in the worst thing's about to get way worse for you yeah he has a son that was like a genius and now he's just sleeping down his basement in like a chipped paint center block room that part's real sad yeah that is very good boy he's a good boy feel bad for the barnett's honestly yeah not evil though i will only call her evil i won't say her real name where did they get the son was that like did they they made them they had three sons yeah and then adopted a daughter and then said the daughter was actually not eight she was 30 and they dropped her off the other thing that's real weird at the end is like they slightly allude to the fact that the mom was whoring out natalia grace really i didn't get to the end fell asleep yeah it's wild you want this computer back in how many pieces they show mike barnett the mid midget saying that the mom was trying to whore out Natalia to the midget,

and Mike Barnett acts like he didn't know about it and freaks out.

Wild shit.

Yeah, it's scary thinking about evil women.

Imagine adopting a midget and be like, I could have people pay to fuck this.

The guy was evil, too, though.

The guy was just dumb as shit.

For sure.

An evil woman who's like, you know, they can easily go have sex with a midget yeah it's like you have sex with whoever you want they can really like they can slide into just like kind of they have like no roadblocks sliding into like horrible behavior where a good dude has to like you can't just go you can't even want you could want to have sex with a midget but it's like not automatic yeah not automatic. You'd have to court them for a while.

You couldn't do it right away.

You have to nervously go off by

them 17 times and then finally go,

hey, look at that shirt.

Have you ever approached someone at the gym?

What? Never approach

a human out in public? No.

Same here. Oh, I've done that.

I've done a one-time approach like a

lady. A girl, yeah.
Definitely not. Dude, if I approach someone at the gym.
I was crying. You tell me to check it with him on the phone.
No, I wasn't even sure. She acted like I was trying to approach her.
I was just trying to ask about the dog. She lives right next to me.
I go, what's that dog's name? I see it all the time. I'm on the phone right now.
Oh, God, dude. Yeah.
See you later. Big gulps, huh?

What was your approach, Bill?

What was the nature of your, like, how did it go down?

It was my last girlfriend.

She was a yoga instructor.

I was like, dude, I got a bad bag.

What's up?

True.

That's pretty easy.

I know you did.

I was thinking about it the whole time.

How many classes did you take before you made the approach?

It was three weeks.

Okay.

That's pretty good. I sat there.

I went to class three times a week for three weeks. And time i was like oh that's really just sweaty with a headache like i was really i did restaurant i did restaurant depot parking lot one time oh really went down yeah really you asked a lady for like her number or something get it yeah we had we had a brief tryst during that period damn i got approached by an asian woman in a home depot parking lot one time they won't leave you alone bro the massage place no no no this was this was uh maybe like a year ago i was just in home depot parking lot working on the house being spade did and this lady's like excuse me i was like what's up i think she was insane and she just she's like call me sometime and then gave me her number if you want a blowjob and then drove away crazy yeah it was crazy never called her he tore it up what you tore the number up you said what the yeah you kept it i looked at it like it was the ring i could have a blow like it was the ring.
I could have a blowjob and maybe an STD, but maybe a blowjob. I don't think you get STDs from blowjobs.
I could not match her freak, as they say. Yeah, if you get an STD.
You could get herpes very easily from a blowjob. You could.
I think that's a tough one, dude. Still.
It could happen. I mean, it could.
You could get an STD from head, but. Being single is the worst thing on the planet.
I don't know how dudes do that shit. Like, oh, I fuck chicks all the time.
I have sex with one girl. I'm like, I have an STD from head but being single is the worst thing on the planet I don't know how dudes do that shit I fuck chicks all the time I have sex with one girl I'm like I have an STD that's alright fucking chlamydia I was watching I was watching Jordan Peterson he had this guy on fucking Matthew I forget his name but he did that documentary where like the first one was like what is a a woman? What is his name? Yeah, Mal-Walsh.
He's got M.I. Racist is coming out.
Yeah. Yes.
I was watching that. But then they started talking about like, he's like, yeah, well, like, you know, you're, you're married or Jordan Pierce was like, you're married.
Like, you know, what's to stop you from like cashing in and all your fame. And like, you know, it was like, he wasn't asking him seriously.
He just wanted to hear his answer. But the whole time he's like, I don't understand like what even the appeal would be and it's like dude it's not like i understand being like i wouldn't sacrifice my family but to be like i don't even see like why people would do that it's like yeah he's playing life on easy just sits there and argues with trannies and college kids like it's the easiest shit in the world dude so wow you owned a bunch of mentally like unstable fucking people that are confused as shit right now you're sitting there fucking wrecking them in hd like congratulations no what i'm saying bill maher did religious with like truckers yeah what do you think about the bible and they're like what man they're like this is all we have bro yeah this is all i have it's like so i went went into a truck stop church and i said fuck yeah same shit ben shapiro does like ben shapiro go to like oxford and fucking destroy kids like dude congratulations shit's not that hard what oxford isn't that like a prestigious english university college kids and you're going in there with like they run fully on emotion yeah the college kids even at oxford i watched that yeah like yeah and he still gets clipped by him like he some of them get him i would get destroyed at oxford if i came in i was just like actually this is what i think about the president they'd be like dude shut the fuck up yeah of course that's true as well actually this is this way wrong and i'm gonna talk so fast that it's like you're man.
You know what? You win. He's motor mouth like destiny.
But, dude, it was just so funny. Destiny's king motor mouth.
He's the number one motor mouth. I don't think I've ever seen destiny.
Brutal, dude. Oh, dude, don't do it.
What side is he on? He's liberal as fuck. Nice.
He's a nasty liberal. But he's like a liberal that says retard and faggot.
You know what I mean? Yeah. One of those.
So he's an edgelord, but a liberal wasn't an open relationship with his girlfriend, his girlfriend, his wife or girlfriend left him for a sissy boy. That would push you to be doesn't even bother me.
And then immediately fucking all that Israel Palestine shit happened. They went on Israel's side..
I don't know what the fuck's going on in that guy's brain.

I think he's just grasping at something to hold on to.

I can't figure it out. I'm ruined.

What? All of it.

What? Like Ukraine and Israel.

Yeah, I mean, I'm out.

They're trying to get you to pick a side. You ever see that meme

where it's like, oh, you don't support

Israel, so you must support Palestine.

It's the fucking kid in Star Wars just staring at the girl.

It's like, dude, you don't have to support either of them. They can they can both stop my thing is like maybe I'm just minding my own business this is the beeswax party yeah that's what we mind over here it's the hardest part about business minding your own brother leave me alone speaking of which 9-11 it is 9-11 in an unrelated term today? Twitter's crazy right now if you want to get fucking active you actually forgot I literally forgot you guys can seriously be quiet for 10 seconds quiet for 10 seconds yes and beat my ass if you want Matt, Bill, don't make light of it yeah dude what's going on with Twitter Bill I'm not playing your sick and twisted game dude I'm not either dude i like to respect the phone you piece of on twitter they're all saying israel did it what about building seven good question yeah i saw i saw some of that stuff now candace owens dude that's your girl she's going hard as she's a based queen rabbi schmoley what's that rabbi schmoley i don't know what the disgusting looking dude hold on he's brutal you need to stick to baby gronk candace owens no candace owens and rabbi schmoley went on pierce morgan and candace owens was like dude you guys are a synagogue of satan you killed mj the guy's like what are you talking about? He made the book kosher sex.
He's a brutal to look at. Wait, is kosher sex the one with his daughter? No, he, yeah, he's the dude who has a butt plug shop with his daughter and he constantly comes at people saying, well, these are all freaks.
I know it's hilarious. He's, he's just Jewish Candace Owens.
He's like, you know, he's just a fucking maniac. I mean, dude mean dude here's the thing unless she's right about the crone's wife having a penis she could be right she's really dressed up as that for a jewish holiday who is that's schmooly it's him having a goof no i saw i saw that yeah he's a freak dude he's a he's got to shave the beard dude that thing's like pubes he's got a wispy beard you just dude you just hate kosher sex that's your fault i don't hate kosher sex i celebrate jewish i love jewish sex that's all he says the candace i love jewish love you got you're just obsessed with the jewish bedroom wait i don't even understand the dining are they on the they're against each other so yeah so

candace owens candace's free pals watched a few fucking documentaries i've seen before bro she couldn't keep a lid on it holy shit she's going well i think she sent i think she sent yay the floyd doc and yay was like i got a couple docs you should watch yeah doc for doc yay yeah the candace doc him up yeah the candace doc yeah he was reciting white lives matter yeah he went off and hit the white lives matter shirt you called that pretty well when you saw that because i just watched the candace doc and i was like oh this is he's he's saying everything from the documentary doc for doc yeah it's a treacherous hole to go go down with your friends well dude the viral right is in a sorry state they've completely turned on each other everyone's fighting each other that's that's what i noticed about uh twitter today was the left is winning the meme war dude no yeah every video is a video of trump talking about eating cats i know that's the it's not a meme it used to be the they can't meet bro i know you want to hold on to the fact that the right i'm not a dude i'm on i'm unaffiliated look i'm a notre dame fan dude i remember the glory days i need help i remember the glory days last night last night trump lost niu that was niu losing the a fucking niu yeah that shouldn't even be a game shouldn't have been a game i but dude i'm watching it like dude you should say this like how do you not know trump just keeps hitting the border the borders are dude we fucking get it yeah expose her ass how old's trump now he's old 80 dude i mean don't fall to the old sauce the democrats fell for he might be geese'd up dude he is he's he's geese but he's not still good he is not yeah he's not fully geese no he's not biden for sure but he's for sure he's been geese the last four years he actually was all geese wise he was all right he's getting a little fired up there he just got shot in the fucking he's not as sharp though the like talking he used to just murder people i guess now they've studied his game and they're like of fucking them. I think they're just trying to get him to chill the fuck out.
And also, they didn't give him any of the fucking debate. All the debates.
It's weird as shit that they're doing no crowds. I know.
It is creepy. You're the president of the United States, but you can't do a debate in front of a crowd.
That's what you want to do. The one thing I also noticed is, how the the is homeless people not a topic why is that

that like they're totally ignored obviously we we matthew and i travel quite a bit yeah every single

city in this country oh that's crazy you think it's just new york or philly or whatever no it's

every single city they're giving the no one cares the yeah they're giving the uh the

haitians and the venezuelans three g's a month and food stamps and then vets are just getting nothing now you're trump that's the facts of life bro i hear you i agree i agree it is wild but that's what's going on what are we doing with the homeless bro put them can we do that as a topic next debate can someone go what are your plans with the homeless people? Put them in. Yeah, that's...
I do like when Trump was like, what's your plan? He goes, I have a concept of a plan. Yeah.
It's not a full-fledged plan. I'm not president yet.
I'll tell you about it. But he goes, I'm not president.
That was actually a sick answer. Like, dude, if I were president, I have a plan.
Like, I kind of know what I'm going to do. But like...
But also, dude, she just takes all of his plans. Anything he's like, I'm going to do this.
She's like, yeah, this is my plan now. I get why he's like, yeah, I'm not fucking telling you.
Yeah, she's taking all the plans. She's minding Mencia.
She is Mencia. She also said some dramatic ass shit like, he doesn't care about you.
He really cares about himself. And Trump just goes, that was for a soundbite.
You don't actually believe it. And then to start talking to him.
He had some good ones. No, he did have some good ones.
But they cut his mic, so he couldn't hit her with they cut the mics in between so he couldn't hit they could never have a because you'd be in jail ever again yeah it's the greatest clip of all time i know that was so senator clinton also today marks the same day that hillary clinton came out of that black van and passed down that secret service had a carrier back in it remember that video you know that video how about where is she they don't they don't like bring her out i mean i don't see her at all like i know like obama's come out and they're like yeah we love kamala harris but you don't see like hillary clinton a boy like clinton's they know that's bad bro they know it's bad yeah meanwhile they're still touting dick cheney that's wild that's where i'm confused like what the fuck's going on i'm confused how does a confused person get a resolution i'm going back to waterloo yeah they are like oh yeah it's confused we're about sitting over here with gibberish i know what you're talking about what are you talking about you know you're talking about how do you know i the dick cheney i don't know the waterloo reference but i will say i will say i'm going back where the vampires stay how do you kill someone when you're already dead it's india guy on uh toronto fashion this place looks like new york manhattan we're all the bums we're all the bums they're creating bums they created i think next year we're not going to be able to have like the come out like the like artificially stitched together like media personality that like i think kamala harris is i don't think we'll be able to have them anymore they're going to have to have this one's working bro no it's just working like crazy it's good they're going to crack it though it's like it needs this whole infrastructure to support it if you have guys doing three-hour conversations on like you know gigantic podcasts it's going to start undercutting that like us bro exactly like we are the fucking there but if it's like she can do that all she wants it looks awesome on tv but then it's like i don't know maybe if if she really pulled you're a racist i think it'll be i think this might be the last time you can do i think she might be like the death rattle of like being able to just completely prop a person up artificially i don't i would have thought that until i saw how successful this has been i mean this is yeah but she doesn't do interviews she doesn't have to do interviews she literally just shows up did recited speeches during the debate and you better thank a union I don't I really don't think I mean this will be the end of if Trump loses that's the Trump's gone and now the Republican Party is going to have probably like five or six guys trying to imitate him and the rest of them are going to go back to like mitt romney shit neocons it's yeah i don't know yeah maybe back to the unit party bro what's the only they're the exact same party yeah it will go back to that trump dog is kind of the only outlier yeah yeah true rfk vivek tulsi gbers i don't know dude you know tulsi got that gray streak from war spade told me that last night what yeah so uh how i don't know that's all i got anxiety probably anxiety so it's like i do like i do like the gray streak i'll be honest i was trying to i was trying to focus on the merit and policy but yes so same here great street's nice dude what was i just thinking about it's hot as shit dude carly simon's hot as fuck you ever see her old album covers maybe we have no secrets by carly simon look up her old album covers dude she's hot as fuck really anything for her yeah do we mean you've seen the fuck mom she looks like mick jagger bro no she doesn't fuck yeah dude exactly like mick jagger you're fucking bro bro what are you i don't know this is one i don't really not always sure to hang up from boyd's world crushes carly simon she looks like her i know but topango's look at her you just

like yeah look at those you like the nipples no carly's time is obviously hot yeah you hate her i mean yeah your painter is like absolutely power babe i'm like she's she's a power babe she's not her she's no julia roberts that's what i'm saying that's she's not that's timeless That's right.

Come on, man.

Julia Roberts is hot as fuck.

Obviously, I like 13 going on 30, but... She's no Julia Roberts.
She's hot. That's what I'm saying.
That's a classic. That's timeless.

That's right, dude.

Come on, man.

Julia Roberts is hot as fuck, dude. Obviously, I like 13 going on 30, but she's not fucking hotter.

Bro, you're going to put prime versus prime.

Julia Roberts versus Carly Saunders.

Carly Saunders is hot.

Fucking crack, bro.

Maybe it's just what I'm into.

I'm not sure you guys are into, but we can have differences.

These are both two big mouth beauties.

Let's make a change.

It's time to make a change.

These are two large mouth bass.

They are.

They are. They got huge mouths.
It's time to make a change these are two large mouth bass they are they are they got huge mouths it's time to make a change for real can't be locking up cheating no that was yo i'm with him on that dude dude he handled that poorly what not 155 not even close to as poorly as those cops oh obviously i'm not this is israel palestine dude i don't also like cops because of this no those cops handled that like obviously dude cop attitudes are the worst but then the way up the all right so the cheetah tyree kill tyree kill was on his way to the game on sunday before the game he got pulled over i didn't know he was going 100 and the hundred and a 55 or like 80 he was going 80 and 55 is perfectly legal that's you know that you do 80 and a 55 I would never don't lie right now bro 95 is 55 if he was not going if he's going 100 I yeah I forget what it is he's going 80 that's well whatever either way they pull him over for speeding knock on his window he rolls his window down this is the only time he handled it wrong he was like yo don't knock on my window so hard and then roll that was after they came and talked to him he kept rolling his window back and then he rolled his window back up but it was i think it was two cuban cops yes motorcycle boys in miami that were going crazy cowboys they went nuts dude uh locked the thing pulled him out of the car held him down like those dudes just had they like leather boots like highway yeah yeah yeah those guys apparently are like psychos every black dude that's ever picked on them in grade school and then his teammates are stopping by because they're on the way to the stadium they're right next to the stadium and they're like get the fuck back in the car you listen to me they're like crazy scarface they they scarfaced out what and they fucking put him in cuffs cuffed him up the because he was like don't knock on my window yeah he was always said he was literally they were like we're gonna pull you out of the car he was standing to get out of the car when they yanked him out of the car yeah it was genuinely bad damn it was actually bad i went into i'll be honest i let my bias take over i went into the before the body cam going out i went into it going i'm sure he was being an that's what i thought yeah i'm not proud of that i'm not proud of that no he's not really he's tyreek hill dude i know it's he the funny the body cam came out from the white cop who was like, holy shit, do you know who that is? Both the Cuban cops were like, what? Who is this? It's not Cristiano Ronaldo or Messi. They're like, he's a dolphin star player.
He's like, oh, really? And then goes back to fucking spaz and on him. Fuck, bro.
Yeah, those cops sucked, bro. Not our problem, bro.
on racist ass cuban pigs us white cops don't do that they learned their lesson contrary uh but no yeah i'll i'll be honest i'll admit i was relieved when i saw that was cuban it's everything i just wait yeah what's this gonna be not our problem were they like pitbull's complexion or like they were a little darker they were like jose consenco types you know they were guy reminded me of consenco but is that not how you say his name seco how do you say his name it's consenco fuck it's like it's. It's so funny to call him.
How's that? Conseco? Conseco. Conseco de Mayo.
Is what it is. So he got this dude.
Did he get his ass beat on the side of the road? They were shoving him around. They were rough, dude.
Crybaby. Plays in the NFL.
Also, you don't have to be a tough guy. It was very funny on Twitter where he's like, dude got to end the police brutality and this one dude just comments you literally broke your kid's arm and gave your wife a black eye to be fair he's talking about police brutality specifically true true nothing to have to do with the cte's fess he's just a nasty devil dude that may be Matt, Matt, is this your brother? I can't believe Matt's a fucking racist.
He's been on line. He's been corrupted by the internet.

Matt's a fucking racist he's been interrupted by the internet Matt's a racist yeah dude I know it yeah impossible take this whole podcast down Matt hates black people what the fuck alright well the podcast ended just have. Just get around.
Dude. What the hell?

I read a CNN article.

I read a CNN article that said that.

What did it say?

That's racist.

Oh, true.

There's a CNN article that says you guys are racist.

What am I to believe?

But you literally lied on me and said you have incriminating tweets or texts.

Not yet.

Is that a Simon record?

No way.

That's your part.

No. no is that the new record holy shit he sent me that he said my boy oh that's his boy my boy beat my record holy shit simon rex and his boys fart like how do you fart that long that's crazy how the fuck do you do that i don't know i don't know man You like hold it in for a while.
Girls do it.

Maybe, maybe like maybe they're eating like vegan or something.

I feel like if you ate like just beans all day.

That's that's the fact that there's another guy out there who's his friend that also farts like that.

It's crazy.

It's pretty sick squat.

What's your world class barters?

You got high pitch ones.

Yeah, I can let out some. You got a tight ass whistle.
Oh Hell yeah. Yeah, he does got a tight-ass whistle on him.
Thank you, fellas. No problem.
I appreciate it. Mine's like a tropical jungle.
Mine sound like a dog whistle, honestly. Yeah, right, dude.
Shit barely comes out of my ass. Come on, man.
Sorry to God. They go.
Looks like I shit out tapeworms every time. This is how Bill Farts.
Sounds like a yawn. Dude, that is fucked up.
You ever see the porn stars that get anal prolapses? I haven't seen that, but I've seen some ones with miles on them where I'm like it's time to get some sort of surgery or something. they have chimp asses yeah you know crazy no no it's good it's good it's very good does the lady get ripped up by a chimp at the end i haven't got to that point yet that's what i'm i'm not hoping that that happens because i haven't seen it no she's getting interviewed oh okay so i guess she's the girl who lived pita hates when you have fun with chimps matt what time did to go? I'm good.
Oh, I have a... No, I'm good till like 5 p.m.
I literally have no clue how long this is coming on for. No, it's 3 o'clock here.
I'm dumb as shit. I do that every time.
Idiot. I always think it's...
Oh, you advanced an hour. Yeah.
4.30. We started at 2.30, dude.
I don't think... Is there a time zone that would be one hour more eastern than the East Coast? I feel like it jumps to England.
South America. Always thought it was Brazil, but it's not.
It's not? No, Brazil's behind us. No, it's not.
Brazil's an hour behind us. Oh, the time zone might be, but geographically they're not.
What? The latitude? I swear to God, but Brazil's. Maybe Iceland's like.
Brazil's behind us, right? Not geographically. I think they are.
Not geographically. They're way in front of us.
Yeah, they're kind of sticking out. We're like with Chile.
We're on the same side as Chile. What? Yeah, Brazil.
Oh, yeah, my bad. I had the opposite way.
I always thought fucking Brazil was under Texas for some reason. I still reason i still do obviously that's me that is caked into my brain that it's well i hear you i it makes what are you gonna do well there's nothing we can do by the way chicken bake not bragging guys but have you seen my strain library uh what the is all the cops called illegal in texas call the cops what is that stuff this is my strain library it's all my weed strains oh shit and you got cool cases for them yeah i got these cool metal cases you know the bags josh dude is that your is that our um paintball picture at the top there oh you know it is damn that's sick that is sick you ever get a to fucking you're going this thing? Yeah, I've seen the picture of Billy and Spud.
Oh, there's baby Billy right here. Grizzled vets.
Grizzled vets. Front and center, dude.
Horrified from what he saw. No, this is old, dude.
This is not fucking what he saw. What year is that? Oh, I was like fucking eight with the American flag.
My dad was like fucking 280 in that picture. Wait, was that your dad next to you yeah sure the fucking camera matter Matt I can't see I can stop zoom in damn that was my dad was a unit dude and he looks exactly like trigger discipline on my finger too did he really no there's a rooster right there the killing rooster yeah it was all that was great that was a great paintball trip core memory it really was i remember uh fucking awesome two two people got in a big fist fight it was awesome all the dads really passed out huh who got a fist fight i don't want to say their names but there's two people got a fist fight in a hotel room which was like the craziest venue for a fist fight what is that's like world star shit yeah i know it was pretty sick was it how old were the gentlemen in the fist fight like our eighth graders like oh okay our friends got it was like two eighth graders fought in the hotel room dude the hotel had a bowling alley i was mind fucked i must have bowled seven games so we can just keep playing like yes okay i'm gonna glow bowl until i can't see straight in your forest gump with the dr peps i love you're gonna wait these are just unlimited games of bowling my one cousin got kicked out of the hotel for what dc sniper he was in the hotel room shooting out the window he brought his own rig i didn't have one i wasn't allowed to psycho that's crazy yeah that would have happened now that would be on the news yeah he said it was just a hotel guy like dude you gotta like leave the did he get he got kicked out of the hotel or you just kicked out of the hotel yeah i think oh that's right because then at the end of the night yeah yeah i remember then he was gone yeah that the night we woke up.
My little cousin, he was asleep. And we were all just like smoking weed and drinking.
We were like, bro. He was passed out from drinking and smoking weed as like a little kid.
And we were like shaking him. We're like, bro, the building's on fire.
We got to get out of here. And he just chased us around the hotel.
It was not the lobby, like the floor. We were on like the third floor.
And we just ran laps around the third floor and eventually he came to and was like what the fuck are we doing my brother tom did that to us in dublin where were you guys for the the same place yeah yeah tom told me and my cousins in dublin ireland that there's a pool in the fucking hotel we were walking around the whole thing in bathing suits asking everyone where's the pool and they're just like there's no pool here completely prank come back can i just produce one of tom's podcasts no biggie i heard no big deal just like i'm doing right now true yes look at that you need a palm dude people said they're like oh it's a gay dog it's like dude it's the best It is a gay dog it's the best reggie lay down boy you're good lay down boy good trainer look at that what are you guys getting up to the rest of the night which i have i have no plans i need some chicken obviously warhammer chicken bake i gotta finish this campaign yeah that's the campaign i'm waiting about it right Right now the Tyranids are what years I don't know a million I think it's 40,000 whoa 40,000 I think that's I think that's why it's called Warhammer 40 or 20 I don't know what the fuck 20 40 no it's way in the future 4,000 now you have 40,000 it's great hammer 40k dude it's for are you serious yeah it's a crazy name for a video game i could just 4 000. i gotta be on my jaco type tomorrow i gotta wake up at 4 30 in the morning why what for early ass i'm taking a super early flight why do you keep taking these flights providence i like well i like getting out early so i can catch a nap uh before the show yeah you have to nap if you're waking up at four yeah you front load your nap bro add it to the sleep oh yeah it's tough to it's tough to sleep with the children yeah you got to put them down they wake up in the middle of the night that way it's and it's like if i leave when they're still there like they get spun out so you're hitting that 4 30 a.m like i gotta go jack you're getting out as long as long as you can get well dude you have to otherwise if they're

like getting ready for school and i'm like rolling out with a suitcase they're gonna spaz like what the oh you got to sneak out like before them and i gotta sneak out like actually yeah i just write them a little letter i say you guys be good and listen to your mama yeah then i take the I'll be back in two days.

And Spade's going with you.

Spade's coming.

Spade's doing five.

Oh, sick.

Open it up.

You're lying.

Yeah, I know.

Damn. I might have a master of ceremonies, like not even host.
I speak, ladies and gentlemen, you know, welcome to the show. Just have a guy.
Also, dude, your bro, Glenn Lowry's coming too. I'm going to interview him when I'm out there.
In Provident? He's coming to the show? Yeah, he works at Brown University, so. I'm excited.
Is it connection yeah that's a fun that's a fun little venue yeah it's a good that's a good time in there those providence people rogerford going yeah invite i'll probably i'll probably i've rolled in the last time i want to see him spade meet uh they they will they absolutely most likely will unless there's a manhattan project awesome that'd be very sick actually Yeah. All right.
Well, I think we're good enough. Yeah, man.

Four nights. likely will unless there's a manhattan project awesome all right well i think we're good enough yeah man 419 when this oh yeah god damn yeah we've been ripping 230 230 330 all right

good math 230 230 330 not two hours i mean dude it's good it's your product it's good stuff

it's your product all right thank you stuff. It's your product.
All right.

Thank you.

Love you guys.

Goodbye.