Ep 511 - FitzDAWG (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)

Wow, wow, Wes. We'll start now.
Greg Fitzsimmons, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for coming, dude.
What an honor. It's great to, you know, be in Austin and just, like, realize that, you know, literally, you know, the three or four biggest podcasts in the world are all in this town.
Like, it used to be, if you want to do press, go to la new york try to get on late night talk

shows nobody gives a shit about going on a late night talk show cares man you think seth myers is going to sell tickets to anything no offense to him i'm just saying like nobody it's true and i thought it was such a big deal and i would like see people go on them like years ago even and be like oh it's about to be the game's about to change yeah nothing would happen i'm like oh what the hell nothing happens yeah nobody does anybody watch they still run those circuits so if you have a movie i've noticed they still send people to like the late night talk shows but i don't know honestly i think they do it to get the clip the one clip they can put on the internet yeah true yeah that sucks yeah oh no everything's becoming a podcast dude it's just fucking ruined everything yeah yeah that sucks they used to make such a nice like production they have like. Everyone was wearing suits, and now it's just sitting in your sweatpants like, Hey, you can find me in Tacoma.
I know. And it's just like there's no audience, so sometimes people can just trail off into mundane small talk.
True. Instead of getting to the real shit.
Let's talk about Jesus Christ, the lord is he in your heart yeah big time i grew up fucking catholic man no kidding i grew up catholic too of course where'd you grow up new york okay yeah damn you grew up in new york city or new york town just outside the city yeah i'm irish catholic dude my whole family we go to catholic mass every every sunday wow yeah you can't really even like when i'd, when I went to college, I'd be like, I don't care about that stuff. I would eat like a quarter ounce of mushrooms, always about Jesus.
Every time it was Jesus, every single time. Yeah.
I would bug out and he'd be like, I got you. I'd be like, thank you, Jesus.
Sorry for all that shit I said, dude, I don't know anything. Sorry.
Would you like talk to him? I would, so there's been two times. I've eaten like a large amount of mushrooms.
The first time I was 19, I didn't even know what I was doing. I was just like, I'll eat.
I had one handful once. I was like, I'm gonna eat two handfuls this time.
Freaked out. There was no communication.
I was just bugging out to the point where I tried to listen to music and it felt like someone was hitting my brain with a hammer. Yeah.
I was like, this isn't working. I got under my blankets and it was like, you know, when you close your eyes and all this crazy shit.
It was just like a stark image of Jesus. And I was like, Oh, and I just relaxed.
Pretty cool. Yeah, man.
Against my will. I was being cool when I was in college.
I was like, I don't even believe that shit. It helped me.
Dude, who's cooler than Jesus Christ? I mean, I don't know. I mean, I'm not into heaven and hell and rules and all that stuff, But I mean, you take the teachings of Jesus

and what he did in his life,

whether it happened or not,

it's an archetypal power

that if you get it introduced to you as a kid,

it's just always there.

Like I still talk to God.

I don't go to church, but I still talk to God.

Yeah, it's important.

People get hung up on the bullshit of like, you actually think it's like, bro, I don't even care about that i still talk to god yeah it's important well people get hung up on the bullshit of like you actually think it's like bro i don't even care about that man yeah but it is true if you can like put that you genuinely because i'm glad we got into this right away because like christians and catholics don't have that process that buddhists have like if you're a buddhist you have like you're going towards enlightenment if you're like a catholic you're just like yeah just try not to hit my wife and just pray i can just ascend just gloriously ascend just be a piece of shit my whole life the ascension man rise to heaven but if you really practice trying to be like jesus it has crazy effects on your life yeah i mean look it's basically it's distilling a lot of other you know like all this holistic kind of feel good stuff that you you know, whether it's like Deepak Chopra or whatever, it's all about shrinking the ego and realizing you're not the center of the universe. That there is a power, whether you want to call it nature or God or whatever.
And, you know, I'm a guy who I'm sober, so I've always dealt with the higher power thing as well. And it's just like, you know, when you can get out of your own way and realize that your choices are not affecting the world in any way, then you can, you can somehow like be a friend and a husband and a father and all that stuff.
Yeah, dude, it's crazy. You're saying that this, this like line of thinking has been coming up more and more.
Like I'll talk to people more and more people seem to be like, Oh, all right. I kind of understand yeah so like i don't have to like burn prostitutes or like attack you know you used to burn the process no no but i'm saying we mean like not pay them or like light them on fire light them on fire before it was like we should like throw stones at women like i don't have to do that we just all be nice right it's starting i think to settle in on humanity i feel like like now starting like today yeah it does feel weird that they throw stones.
At women? At women. You know, like.
That's just a tradition. It's a tradition.
It's just an ancient tradition. Yeah.
And I wonder if women, just because it's gone on for so long, like if, sometimes I'll go on a hike with my wife and I'll pick up a rock just to throw it in the woods and she fucking ducks. Does she really? Just from her DNA.
Yeah. And she thinks like eight other guys are going to come out of the woods and just start stoning her.
Yeah. Yeah, man.
That's one of those things where it is unfortunate to throw stones at women, but like before anyone was being like, this isn't right, it must've been kind of satisfying. Well, I think that's why they invented baseball to channel the energy in a different direction.
yeah first baseman instead of your wife bats and balls bats and balls right that makes sense because yeah it was that's a pretty that was a bad thing when we were like beating women yeah it didn't it stopped like i mean it's still going on 50 years ago well it's still going on but it's not acceptable no it used to be you watch movies from the 50s and carrie grant just like slaps a woman across the face and then she kisses him. What about the quiet man? You ever see John Wayne in the quiet man with Catherine? He slaps a woman too? How can you be Irish and not have seen the fucking quiet man? I haven't seen it, dude.
I haven't seen it. Dude.
And it's kind of the old Irish tradition of like, yeah. I mean, the thing about the Irish is it is actually matriarchal.
The mother is the power one because there's so much alcoholism with the men that the women would have to step up and sort of like take charge of the family. Yeah, that kind of tracks.
And also like, you know, Catholicism, it's the Virgin Mary, you know, she's this... I was thinking about the Virgin Mary the other day.

Like, a lot of press about the Virgin Mary before she had Jesus.

Like, she had a hook.

She had an angle.

She was the virgin.

Yeah, true.

I'm the guy with the hat.

You know, you're the guy with the kind of dumb Philly accent.

And she was the virgin.

I knew you'd attack me at some point.

Well, you know, it's just... It doesn't...
It makes you seem less intelligent and i think you're a smart guy but you're only going to go so far in anybody's mind i know until you take an elocution class that's where you want to be though yeah i told my wife i'm gonna get her etiquette classes to what i want to hire like etiquette classes i'm gonna hire like a head maiden or whatever and try to just like teach my wife what are they called? That sounds like something you found in a whorehouse. The head maiden.
Aren't they called a head mistress or something? I don't know. I want to teach my wife man.
I want to get someone to teach her manners. Yeah.
Decorum. Is she Catholic? No.
She grew up a Baptist. She's black.
Okay. Yeah.
She does one of those churches. Yeah.
Well, that's exciting. Funny ones.
Yeah. I mean, the Baptists are very exciting.
They have the masses that you want to actually go to. Did you ever go? Once.
It's pretty, yeah. I always feel like I'm intruding.
If I were the few times I've been, I'm kind of like, sorry, guys. You know, you guys are doing something cool here and you have just like a white onlooker just being like.
Oh, because white Catholic ceremonies are morose. That deep organ and the incense burning and you got...
The thing about a lot of different Protestant faiths, Jesus on the cross is... It's an icon, but it's not as detailed.
We got nails and blood and thorns. You go to a Lutheran, It's just as detailed.
Like we got nails and blood and thorns.

You know, you go to like a Lutheran,

it's just a cross.

There's nobody on it.

We get it.

We know what happened.

Yeah, no, you got to see the gore, honestly.

Yeah.

But yeah, they don't really,

it was just like,

I've been to that

and I've been to one of like the white,

I don't know if it's like a mega churchy kind of thing

where everyone goes like this the whole time.

And I could feel like my Catholic training. You just stand there like a Roman soldier the whole time.
You're like, I'm not fucking doing this. And you go to like your Catholic school dance and leave some room for the Holy Spirit.
Yeah. Ours got pretty wild though.
Really? Well, not the grade school. All the people, we had literally two pedophiles chaperoning our grade school dances.
you know at the time no did you have a hint did you have like a feeling i was when you're young you don't really know it was never any like kind of advances or anything but like when i got older i started being like what this dude's doing exchange programs for teenagers from europe being like what the fuck exchanging fluids yeah dude well yeah allegedly so are they both in jail now uh the one got off so but the other one just got caught with like the fucking i think the cp and it was just child porn yeah he got caught with the good stuff and then uh i think he went to jail did i just break your algorithm by saying it out loud i don't think so child porn i porn? Child porn? I think you can say it. You're allowed to say it.
There's not allowed to look at it. Yeah.
No, but I mean, as far as like your podcast getting the algorithm. No, you can say it.
It's always like those keywords where you get demonetized. Yeah, child porn might be one of them that they say.
Wait, so, I mean, here's the thing about child porn is if I know I'm capable of murder. And I'd like to exercise that opportunity at some point like if I knew a guy was a pedophile and he got away with it I don't know man I don't know I don't know I wouldn't feel bad honestly if the situation was right oh yeah and I could definitely get away with it yeah because he's gonna do it again that's the thing that's the fucked up part yes why do out of jail? Like, why are they not in jail forever? That should be, like, life sentence.
It should be life sentence and it should be a special prison, you know, where they all go. Because I don't like the whole idea of, like, put them in general population and then they get, like, they get raped and killed.
Just put them in their own fucked up little island. True.
And let it be like, you know, Lord of the Flies. Did you ever see Per ever see pervert park no dude there's a documentary you might want to watch it's about literally a trailer park in florida where they put pedophiles and every night dudes drive by and like throw bottles over the fence really it's really sad though you watch it you hear their stories you're like oh you guys are all molested and you're like yeah well that's the thing but but it's kind of the hot potato it's like bro you're busted so i'm not killing them because i think that it's purely because of the that they're gonna do it again that that it's stopping a cycle well dude the thing is they're

everyone's like you know conversion therapy is crazy if you're like we got to take the gay out

of gay people like you're thinking now we're just we're operating on the same thing for pedophiles

we'll go to jail and we'll fix that yeah right right they're not gonna be like yeah you're right

So let's go. crazy if you're like we got to take the gay out of gay people like you're thinking now we're just we're operating on the same thing for pedophiles we'll go to jail and we'll fix that yeah right right they're not gonna be like yeah you're right i don't i don't want to fuck kids at all yeah they're definitely gonna try to do it again do you ever have any friends that surprised you by coming out later in life no damn that that means that you got some gay friends they're in the closet still yeah no i'm trying to think shane might be gay be gay? No, I don't think Shane's gay.
It just seems like he's so manly. He's so manly that sometimes I go like, come on.
Really? You think he could just completely be a power bottom? I think he... Or a top.
I think he would be a struggling bottom at first. I think he would struggle.
But eventually he just goes... I wish he would.
If he was gay, that'd be awesome. Yeah.
I wish he was. He was gay that'd be awesome yeah i wish he was the manliest guy he for real is the manliest guys really yeah yeah i mean i don't know i don't think he's gay he's had every opportunity to fuck me he's never have never even made a pass so has he touched you like it like kidding around yeah for sure has he touched your penis for sure like a million times we've talked about it before okay he's touched a lot of people's penises actually but that's fun that's that's being that's like it is fun when you're gay that's sports yeah dude yeah he's not even here to defend himself i can't wait till he listens to his own podcast you're the one levying all the accusations nice straight as hell i'm straight as hell dude i had three of my best friends come out of the closet did you really my my buddy pete growing up we would uh dude we slept each other's houses four nights a week and we used to skinny dip in the summers together we went to europe together and hitchhiked around for six months when we were 18 and you guys never fucked around never in any way and then years later he came out and i was like what did you so they're still your good friends you were able to ask him like did you like want to fuck me we never talked about i just heard that he came out oh what you don't okay i've only seen him once or twice since that happened you didn't ask him like what do you think of me honestly hot or not he wasn't out uh so you just found out Yeah.
So you couldn't talk when you saw him you're just like what's up bro yeah okay and then you had two other people two other ones it was um my friend you ever heard of kevin meanie comedian i have yeah one of the greatest comedians ever to grace the stage he was incredible he died about seven years ago oh fuck actually i thinking of someone else too, my bad. He was one of my dearest friends and he came out of the closet at 50.
And I'd known him since, you know, since I was a kid. You had no idea? He grew up in the next town over from me.
I know him since I was a kid. Damn.
He's 10 years older than me. And we used to go on the road together, at his house a million times like you know like brothers yeah no idea i mean he went to cooking school

yeah that's cool that's like i hear what you're saying but without any other clues that's nothing

that's like he was on broadway and hairspray no okay well here we go we're getting closer to the

root of the issue yeah he sang in his act he sang and danced that's just broadway Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And he got to Broadway and he saw all these men who were gay that were comfortable in their own skin and were having healthy relationships with each other.
And he was like, holy shit. Like his eyes opened.
And then he left his wife and kid. What? And his wife was my next door neighbor growing up.
Whoa. Yeah.
Oh, he went full in. Yeah.
He could have just held it down as a gay dad. Told his wife like, look, I'm gay.
Like, you know, we're through, but down yes but you know i'm not gonna judge the guy that would have been the catholic way exactly yeah like i'm gay he should have just became a priest honestly he should have just became if he really how many priests and nuns are gay i think all the nuns all of them the nuns yeah i mean it kind of you know i wish they weren't but yeah theybians, honestly. This episode is brought to you by True Classic.
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They joined the sisterhood because they basically don't want to have to get married. It's the 1950s.
You got no choice. You get married.
Nobody comes out of the closet. So they go, all right, here's an out.
You go into this. And then they figure, you know, maybe they're going to go to Central America and, you know, like help poor people, whatever.
And they go, no, you're going to be at St. Benedict's girls' school, and you're going to deal with the kids that you didn't want to have in the first place.
And they used to slap them and beat their knuckles with rulers. Yeah.
It was brutal. Yeah, that makes sense, though.
That's why they're so rough and tumble. They're all a bunch of lesbians in there.
Yeah. Just wanting to athletic you know female athleticism out right i was hit by a nun i think i might have been the last person to get hit by a nun wow yeah i got i like jumped off a bus on a fire drill and landed on somebody and the lady picked me up and just like smacked my butt sent me inside and i was like all right just slapped your butt smack this light play nothing crazy did that has that stayed with you like do you are you attracted to that would you ask your wife to smack my butt put on a habit i never had the nun fetish no i there was nuns for me were always like super old ladies there was i never like associated them with like sexy sally field who what does she do the flying nun at tv show oh you're younger than me how old are you 38 j, I know.
You do? I know. I've aged poorly.
I've aged poorly. What did you- I used to look so young.
Just no sunblock at all? No sunblock. I have two kids now.
Yeah. I literally deteriorated in like four years.
Damn, I did the same thing when I hit 50. I'm 58 and I look 59.
No, you kind of look right on par. Yeah.
I look fucking old, man. I got gray hair.
Gray hair. Yeah, the gray hair kind of- You could dye your hair and probably shave 10 years off i can't i know but i can't bring myself to dye my hair no i look crazy i died but did you dye your hair no exactly diet what the fuck you can die you get jet black sides yeah no i actually don't even like having sides i just haven't shaved it in a while you go bald no i uh it's been something new i've looked young my whole life and now i don't look yeah and it's it's honestly what i get because i used to work with a guy who was like i was being told how young i looked years ago and he was like i look young too and everyone was like no you look old as fuck and i was like then now i look old as shit just happened like rapidly yeah but you're married man it doesn't matter it'll keep you out of Like, I have not given a shit what I look like for so long.
Yeah. I really, it's so freeing because the first half of my life, I was, like most people, I was obsessed.
Yeah. My hairline started receding and I was fucking putting Rogaine on.
And when I'd go on TV, I had this brown powder that I would put in the corners on my scalp and it actually really worked. Does it really? Yeah, because the lights hit it and it doesn't bounce off.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Oh. And, you know, like I always thought I was skinny and I mean, I have beautiful eyes and a good nose.
For sure. But I felt like my body was like, I felt weak.
Yeah. I just wasn't a big dude.
Yeah. And I was very self-conscious about it.
So you can never just get jacked no matter what you did well look at that dude that's pretty fucking shredded man that's no bullshit no i mean i work out i just don't i don't have the body type that grows you know some people just have small bodies you have a kung fu master body yes you have like jacked bruce lee body well i did gymnastics for like eight years when i was when i was young with all your gay friends with all- Dude, that pommel horse. I worked that pommel horse.
You for real did gymnastics? Yeah, yeah. Dude, that shit's crazy, man.
Yeah. My wife did that.
She was very serious into it. Really? She's still like got that like mighty mouse build.
Yeah, you don't lose that. I still have like hard abs and- Yeah, man.
They do C-sections on it. They've done too.
And they got to like really cut into there. I watch it, it's disgusting.
You didn't watch. I was behind the curtain.
Yeah, no, my wife had C-sections. I tried to go around, and a nurse fucking grabbed me.
He's like, no, no, no, you don't want to see that. Dude, I was shaking.
I was behind the curtain. I was like, oh.
Right. It's terrifying.
Yeah, but man. They take it, dude.
They just take it. They take it, but the upside is that vagina.
Exactly. Hey, now.
I know. I try to say, I asked the doctor, I'm like, is there something else you can do to that thing? While she's under the knife, can you just fucking throw a stitch on that? Can I get an even tighter? That is crazy, though.
I've dodged that bullet myself. I'm like, dude, that's got to be, that's got to change things, right? When a fucking baby comes out of there? Oh, I would imagine.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, that's why I think you get to a certain – I don't know this for a fact, but my guess is when you get to a certain age, the man just moves about an inch and a half down, and that becomes the new vagina. Ah, I see what you're saying.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think it's just like, it's like-

You got to actually.

I think-

I think that's what happens if you get blown.

It is kind of a cruel joke on our creator that like babies are bigger than the biggest

dick no matter what.

Well, I don't think that they used to be.

I think that women had smaller babies and wider hips.

I don't think it was as big a deal to have babies before. Yeah, true.
The heads have gotten bigger. Yeah.
Like my wife, they told my wife early on, they looked at the, what do you call the picture of the belly? The sonogram. The sonogram, and they were like, this thing's not coming out.
It's a big Irish head. Giant head.
Yeah, big Irish head. And also her pelvis is slightly tilted.
Yeah. was they were like it's never coming out yeah and she was heartbroken she really wanted so heartbroken about my wife was so upset and I was like what are you talking about this is perfect yeah we're gonna enjoy this so much yeah but yeah they it's like a I guess a strike on their womanhood I guess to like not go through the howering ordeal but, dude, getting cut open is pretty serious too, man.
Well, no, I think it also, I think there's actually like certain chemicals that are released when you birth a child that like almost stay with you. It changes a woman when it happens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit, I didn't know that.
I mean, it happens with my cock because it's the size of a baby. Exactly, yeah.
So I can make women get that. Yeah.
You can complete them, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can usher them into their full expression. And it's like it's being born over and over again for like 35 minutes.
That's good. I'm glad.
That's actually nice of you to do that. Yeah.
I would keep it to myself. I'm like, you don't deserve this.
No, I share it because I feel like women, they don't get enough of that. And I feel like, especially when I draw a little baby's face on my crown and I put little feet on my balls.
Is it balled up too? Is it like – Yeah, yeah. You should have a crying baby.
Yeah, they don't get enough, man. It's just a shame.
I heard if they eat their placenta though,'ll get some of the effects yes it's true like if they uh you know yeah people save the placenta they put in the fridge pop it yep what do you think it does to a man to pop the placenta probably gives you some estrogen they say you know men need estrogen it's probably good for you you think so yeah yeah yeah i don't know doesn't it cause like a bunch of? Well you get tits That's kind of sweet actually It would be sweet You know Steve-O's going for tits No Steve-O, no transin Just a full rack He's still a dude From my knowledge This might be slippery slope territory That's amazing He's just going to be a dude with a fat rack Why not? I mean I'm the only one in this corner I'm like like, dude, that's kind of nice. I mean, it's pretty gay that we're always

grabbing a dick and feeling it. Why not

be grabbing some breasts? Exactly.

Yeah. It's like an antidote.

I wonder if you could do both

at the same time or if that would get too confusing.

Grabbing your boob and jerking. I mean,

I'd imagine you would.

Or titty fuck yourself, obviously. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know, man. I think you'd have to just you could hold a tit while you jerked off.
What are you talking about? Yeah. Not both.
Or you could just kind of like mash them together. Yeah, yeah.
You could come on your own tits. That would be the big one.
Nah, I can't. I can barely come on my own belly button at this point.
Fuck yeah. 58.
I didn't think about that. Yeah.
When did the ropes stop flying? I was never a was never a big shooter really no i was just talking to uh tom segura and he said he used to hit the bedboard and he used to fly over his head did that happen to you yeah no i'm telling you i used to rip them bro yeah i used to rip them just damn peter i used to lose them out of the park out of the park i'd be like really fuck did that go really yeah and now you know it's not that bad but every now and again i'll catch a drip and i'll be like fuck yeah it's not like i haven't got the full just like oozing no my first load now is what my second load used to be oh okay yeah i got you right yeah that does suck man although apparently if you go on trt like you start just coming like a teenager. Oh, really? An 18-ager.
Yeah, I like to find it. I don't need to shoot it over the wall.
I think it's a bad idea, honestly, the TRT. Yeah.
That's like the last thing. What is that, growth hormone? That's just when you go on steroids, basically.
You just go to a doctor and just get juiced up now. No, but I heard it gives you energy.
I've lost some steam. And a friend of mine went on it, and he he just like gets up now and he just goes yeah like he doesn't feel buzzy he just has natural energy it's youth yeah but who knows what kind of cancers it causes and shit like that i mean if you get to a certain point it's like you might as well just let it rip because you're gonna die anyway yeah i mean if i'm like 60 i'll probably break the glass on the TRT.
Yeah. Dye my hair.
Right. Just leave my family.
Dude, I'm out of here, dude. I've dealt with you long enough.
I'm jacked and I'm young again. Right, right.
I mean, it would be good to have like a chapter two with another woman. I've been married 25 years this month.
Damn. Congrats.
That's awesome. Yeah.
Thank you. That's a serious achievement.
Dude, it's an achievement. And I swear swear to you and this is gonna sound corny but i still i feel like i'm dating her still we go out we laugh i'm attracted to her she's just she's amazing so that is that's beautiful did you guys have like a because i i'm like curious about this because you seem like you've you know we both do stand up we have families and stuff how do you kind of keep that going it's like It's a lot to be like gone all the time, come back.
Do you guys have periods of like power struggle and this stuff? Or is it just always smooth sailing? I mean, when my son was born, I was gone. Well, first of all, you know, we dated so she knew what she was getting into.
Because I was already on the road like half the time. And so she came into going like you know okay i'm good with that she's a very like um self she's an independent person she could take care of herself gotcha and she has good friendships and so she's got a community and uh and then when our son was born i freaked out i just started taking so much road work because i was so you know what it's like you're just like oh my god how am i gonna pay for college and and so i and then and i was gone so much that she finally just went this isn't working something has to change and so i called up louis ck who i started with he's one of my best friends and i was like dude i'm dying out here i don't know what to do and he was writing on a TV show at the time called Cedric the Entertainer Presents.
And he's like, dude, we're looking for a monologue writer. I got a meeting set up for you on Monday with Cedric.
So I spent the weekend. I was in Indianapolis.
I sat in a hotel room writing jokes for a black dude from St. Louis.
That was the voice, not me. That's the dream.
That's the dream. That's the dream, right? That's the dream, yeah.
I got on a Kangol cap. Some, you know, I got a Blackberry instead of my iPhone.
He was pensively walking around the room with the claw just digging, like, hitting the fucking stanky leg. So I go in and I pitch to him and he fucking loved my jokes.
I got hired and that started like, I've had a pretty good career as a writer.

I've been writing for 20 years now on a million shows

and I've been able to balance that with my standup.

So I wasn't gone as much.

Basically I go on the road, whatever, 15 weekends a year.

It's not bad.

And then I'm home writing on shows the rest of the time.

That's kind of the dream.

Thank God for this podcast.

Cause yeah, if I had to just do the road, I'd be dead.

No, you can't keep a marriage going

if you're just doing standup.

Thank you. writing on shows the rest of the time.
That's kind of the dream. That's, that's thank God for this podcast.
Cause yeah, if I had to just do the road, I'd be dead. You can't keep a marriage going if you're just doing standards.
You can't do it. Even if I'm out there being a good boy, dude.
And it's like, you just, you just calling too much, man. It fucking sucks.
Right. Right.
So how many weeks a year are you on the road? I initially was doing two weekends out of a month. And then I started doing like three and then I've did like three, I'll do like three in a row.
And then now I'm going to scale it back down to like once I get through. I like overbook myself for these two months.
I'm going to keep a hard limit on just two a month. Yeah.
Hopefully ideally one eventually. And then when you're in town, you come out and do spots? Yeah.
If I'm not doing stand up that weekend. Yeah.
I'll try to do it because then it's like I'm going all weekend. Then you do spots during the week and week and you're just never you're not there for any of the dinner time so right so i'm pretty good at balancing it i can also i can not do stand-up for like two weeks it doesn't bother me i'm not one of those guys like i gotta get on the stage yeah i gotta get on the stage 35 years i've never other than the pandemic i've never gone more than a couple weeks without doing it yeah really yeah i get uh i just.
I love it. And also, honestly, I get scared that I'm going to lose my place if I don't keep showing up.
If you don't keep doing it, yeah. I gotta go piss on the hydrant every week.
Yeah, true. Let people know.
Show the youngins who's the fucking OG. Yeah, that's true.
Yeah. That must be fun to pop in though.
But yeah, I just, every now and again, I'm like, I just get pissed on my sleep or I'm like, I don't want to be out till fucking two in the morning can't do it so yeah do the early spots no i go out i'll be no i usually ask for later spots because i like to have dinner with the family right and sometimes it's like i'll be out to dinner with my wife and like two other couples and all of a sudden it's 10 o'clock and they're like i'm tired i'm going was like, all right, I'm heading into Sunset Strip. I live in Venice.
And they're like, what? They're like, why? How much are you making? I'm like, 30 bucks. Yeah.
How much time are you doing? 15 minutes. I'm going to drive an hour round trip.
And they're like, why? And I just look at them like, I don't know. I have to, yeah.
I don't know. It's not rational.
Yeah. Just do do it it's what i've always done no that makes sense i i i could for me i could totally i like doing it once i'm there but like just the anticipation of it for me it's like i got shit all weird beforehand i'm like it just that's that's why i look so fucking old man yeah you don't like that bad just busting your balls did you play sports growing up you look like a wrestler i played i should have wrestled that was my big mistake i never wrestled i played basketball and football basketball how tall are you i don't know 5 10 oh i was i played when i was little so like i was tall when i was little yeah then i got to high school football and i just like saw other defensive ends and i was like that's not my position i guess yeah that's never high school was like my alan iverson was that your guy yeah that was a big guy great ai was huge he was awesome yeah but yeah it was uh high school high school was like the end of my sports career pretty much because i just got there and i'm like yeah i'm i'm not growing it i stopped growing yeah where'd you go to college drexel drexel no shit yeah it's kind of a rough neighborhood isn't it yeah it's in uh it's in like mantua West Philly.
So it's like where Drexel is, it's fine. But if you go north of that, that's called Mantua.
It's called the bottom. That's like colloquially, that's what it's called.
And it is a really bad neighborhood. It's all getting gentrified.
Then if you go past Penn, that's like West Philly proper. Yeah.
But yeah, it's pretty bad, man. I used to live in a house when I graduated.
It was on 37th and Melon. Now it's just public housing.
But it was literally four blocks or four houses on the entire block. Uh-huh.
And it was literally like a prostitute next to me. Like literally she would like suck dicks out of her back door.
Did you light her on fire? No. I was pretty tolerant of her lifestyle.
Yeah. Gassed her up, but you never lit them out.
I never wanted to beat women or light them on fire. I'm just saying that's what we used to do.
You know, people hookers though that's yeah and the sad thing is like the police are like all right whatever like there's no investigation they're just like that life didn't mean anything i know it's pretty shitty yeah there's like two homeless guys behind my house one of them killed the other one like a month ago and the cops came for like an hour they they didn't even yellow tape it they were just like all right just kicked him down the one less yeah damn so they fucking killed the other guy yeah did you see it or do you know i didn't see it but like the whole neighbor was telling me the next day you know and then you got that like what's the police thing yeah so they had the whole breakdown of it but um how they – was it with like a gun or did it like – Knife, stabbed them in the neck. Damn, dude.
Yeah. I mean, Venice is rough.
It's like – in some ways, it's very wholesome. Like, it's a real neighborhood.
It's a community. It's always been very community.
Like, people don't have fences between their houses. And like, my kids grew up with the same – I've been there 22 years in the same house and uh we play beach volleyball on Sundays together I play paddle tennis at the beach fucking awesome poker nights you know we go out to dinner like it's really amazing but you know there are pockets of you know encampments not like they used to be they really cleared it out yeah but uh how do they clear it out too i always hear that i think i think they physically like pick them up and like get out of here well they get they do a lot of lead up they spend three months like trying to find them housing interim housing they put some of them into rehabs they actually unite people with their families there's like a whole outreach problem really program where they do that yeah no they're really good about it in venice that's good yeah i was in salt lake and i was talking to the old mayor oh dude dude he was like i didn't know he was running on like save the homeless yeah he was like yo usually this place is full homeless people and i was like oh it looks nice man good job he's like no it's like they literally came in here and just like grabbed their shit i heard about that fuck out yep they take their like medications and they're like you know oh it's brutal but i will say i like, this park's beautiful though.
It's definitely, it is for the better. It's nice, but it's kind of brutal.
But you're just stomping on them. You're homeless, beat their ass, you're like, get the fuck out of here.
I mean, it's like, they're going to go somewhere. The problem is, especially in California where the weather's not that bad, they just honestly, they are given a chance to get into housing and they don't want to yeah there's this like there's a mentality that's kind of sprung up of like they call them campers you know and they want to be in rvs or whatever and they don't want to be told what to do and there is and the drug use is like i don't know how much of it is that the drug use caused the homelessness or the mental illness caused the homelessness,

which then caused, you know, self-medicating with different drugs.

But it's a really tough cycle to break.

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Yeah, dude, especially if they're like, you know, I know in Orange County what they do is they go, hey, we have a bed for you. If they go, no, thank you, you go, okay, get on this bus, and they just drop them off in San Diego.
Oh, no kidding. Yeah, they're like, well, we offered you a place, and if you didn't take it, now you're loitering, and now you have to leave.
Orange County, man. Yeah, they do.
They don't fuck around. But it's also like, I don't know, man.
It's one of those things where I've heard if, I was talking to my friend, Jared Clickstein, he wrote a book. He was on Skid Row.
He lived there for like a couple of years or I think like a year and went back and forth. And he said the problem with the housing is a lot of times you put these guys in housing and they OD on fentanyl and they're in a house and they die.
Whereas if they're on the street, they OD. Someone's like, oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, okay. It's kind of a mess, man.
It's a tough one to fix. Yeah, it is.

And it is funny because as people that grew up Catholic,

what would Jesus have done?

He literally was out there with the lepers and the prostitutes.

Kissed them too.

He would kiss them.

I know, wash their feet.

Yeah, that's a big one.

Yeah.

Imagine washing their feet.

Meth feet, they're like falling off too.

Oh my God, with those hard nails that are like all crusty.

No, it's brutal.

But then you see so many Christians in this country that are so anti-poor.

Yeah.

It's really, you know, it's a real paradox.

Yeah.

Even the abortion issue, like I get why they don't like it. Like my mom, no go zone for her.
Talk abortion, my mom's like, get the fuck out of here. Good news for you.
True. Yeah.
Why would that be bad news, actually? Because she would have aborted you. True.
I thought you meant like my kids. I'm like, she's not going to kill my kids.
What the fuck are you talking about? True. Yeah, she was anti-abortion.
But it is like, you know, it's weird when they're anti-abortion and they like spit on the spit on the ladies walking in it's like dude you should like hug this lady on the way out she just destroyed a fetus man it's pretty sad yeah it's the saddest shit ever well that's the thing no one's happy about it i don't think so some ladies pretend they're like yeah i got my 10th one you're like dude relax no i have a joke about how like women need to own it more because they're losing- The special was hilarious, by the way. Sorry to cut you off.

Oh, thanks, man.

You watched it?

Yes, it was very funny.

Oh, I appreciate that.

I'm always nervous when they send me stuff because I'm like, what if I don't like it?

Yeah.

And I watched it.

I'm like, this is fucking- I'm like, sweet.

Oh, nice to hear.

Because I couldn't have it in me to be like, it was awesome, man.

I was watching.

I'm like, yeah, this shit fucking rolled.

I knew it would be good.

I've seen your stuff before.

But the special was really good.

You are literally like maybe the seventh person I've talked to that's seen it because it just came out last night.

And I only showed it to like a few guys.

I showed it to Attell and a few other people.

Attell told me, cut the first three minutes.

You're dead.

You have death in your eyes.

And I did.

I just went in and I snipped out the first three minutes and I started it with me standing on stage.

That's a good move, though.

It's not like a jarring cut either.

No, I turn around to I say hello and then I turn around to go to the stool and then it does the title page and then when you come back i'm starting so it was fine and even if it wasn't who gives a shit nobody cares i think it's almost fun to start a little bit different but um no but i think i was nervous and uh and it showed i just it's not i don't think the material is bad. Like it was fine.
Well, you think you're,

oh,

in the first three minutes.

In the first three minutes.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

But,

but it's blowing up on,

it's just been out for like 12 hours

and it's got like 35,000 views already.

Yeah,

dude,

it's very funny.

Yeah,

I can't believe it.

Yeah,

it's a sweet way to do it too.

Yeah.

I mean,

well,

it's,

it's a pain in the ass

because like,

you got to, I paid for it myself, which was a lot. I shot it at the mothership.
Yeah. I mean, well, it's a pain in the ass because like you got to – I paid for it myself, which was a lot.
I shot it at the mothership. Yeah.
And I was like, all right, I'm never getting this money back. But then you get to the distributor and there's like a whole split with them that's a lot.
Like they had a lot. And you're like, that's kind of my thing, isn't it? What is is the split i don't want to get into it because they're probably going to listen to it but uh but no it it's it's you're never independent that's the thing i've learned about this business you can try to be independent but at the end at the you know at the at the 11th hour you end up having to like you know go into business with people yeah yeah i tried i tried to hold out for a while.
I was like, I don't need anybody. And then, you know.
Oh, you got a special out? I did one on YouTube like two years ago. But I'm saying, but you're like, I'm not high.
I don't need a manager. I don't need a fucking agent.
I'll book these clubs myself and do it twice. And you're like, I need all this stuff.
No, agents. I love agents.
I mean, my agent gets me work, collects the money, sets up my hotel. Like, oh, for 10%? No problem.
Oh, so you're like an agent manager, basically. I got rid of the manager.
You did. Yeah, agent does everything.
You don't need the 40,000-foot view all the time. Yeah, right, right, right.
Yeah, here's what we're thinking. Oh, really? What were you thinking? Because I was in a hotel room in Michigan.
I did a lot more thinking about me than you did. You thought about me as your receptionist said that I just called.
You always hear them tapping on the keyboard while you're talking because they have notes and they look up what you said last time so they can go, yeah, I followed up on so and so I haven't heard back. Haven't you? Really? I have a feeling that is the ultimate game where they just grab a bunch of dudes, they just blow your ego up.
They're like, bro, you are about to blow, man. Yeah.
You have like 20 people in your stable and you're like, one of these dumbasses will hit it. Yeah.
Just cash in on them. So you have no agent, no manager? I have both.
I have agent, no manager. Oh, you do? Yeah.
Where are they located? New York. New York and I think LA.
Yeah. I think LA.
Well, somewhere in LA. Everyone's all over the place now, but they're mostly New York, LA, I think, for the most part.

That's good.

They're not taking a piece of the podcast, are they?

No, I don't think they are.

Yeah, yeah.

I think they want it.

That is the last stand, man.

Podcast.

Podcast has to be an island.

Still on the Wild West.

It has to be an island.

Because what do you got?

You got, what's your name again?

Andrew Tarr.

You got Andrew Tarr, and it's all you need. He records it, you upload it, and it's done.
Yeah. You know? I feel my family business is demolition.
Oh, no shit. In order to work, they have to lug heavy machines just to get some copper.
And it's like, I just need a microphone. It's it.
Fucking computer. Yeah.
It's pretty, I feel bad. All my family does construction, like landscape and all that stuff.
Now my grandfather, his name was Florence McCarthy. He was from Ireland.
And so he raised my mom in the Bronx. And then my father, who also grew up in the Bronx, comes over and my grandfather worked for Con Edison, the electric company.
And like on the poles, you know, wintertime in New York pulling wires. And so my dad was in radio.
This is the family business for me. That's awesome.
I grew up with my dad who's one of the biggest guys in New York in radio. That's awesome.
And so he comes over to the house and he's dating my mom and he's meeting Florence for the first time. And he's already working in radio.
He's making a living in radio.

That's awesome.

So he comes in and my grandfather says,

well, what do you do for a living?

And my father goes, well, I'm a radio broadcaster.

And he goes, oh, that sounds fine.

He goes, and what kind of hours are those?

And my father goes, I work from noon to 4 p.m.

And my grandfather thinks for a second and he goes,

well, you may come home hungry, but you'll never come home tired. And they became like best friends.
Yeah. Sorry, fake laugh.
I don't get it. Well, just that he's so used to coming home tired from work.
And my okay. And my father's working four hours sitting behind a microphone.
So come home hungry for lunch. I'm sorry.
I totally fake. I didn't get it.
I panicked and I fake laughed. Now I get it.
Dude, thanks for it. Nobody admits that.
I felt dirty. I was like, I don't get it.
I'm a terrible liar. Good for you.
Halfway through, I was like... I think there was 10% of me that wasn't buying the laugh.
I think so. It was a bad fake laugh.
Well, because I think I've genuinely made you laugh a few times. And so I sensed the difference.
That was a fake laugh. Well, it was like I was already sold.
And as soon as you did the thing, I was like, hilarious. And I was like, wait a second.
Well, it was a solid setup. I got characters.
I did an accent. I was all bought in.
I was just like, and as I was laughing, I was don't know. No, this guy deserves more.
And the accent got me too. Yeah, right.
Yeah, my mom's dad was from Ireland and he used to do like weird shit. When they would buy cars, he would like jump, he would stand on the bumper and just like jump up and down.
Oh, really? Yeah, he was. What was his name? Cornelius Kearney.
Cornelius Kearney. Yeah.
What county was he from? Cork, I think. It was like Cork or Killarney, one of those.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had some people from we had some people from cork yeah blarney yep yeah down there at the bottom is that south ireland right it's southern no cork is uh that's like cork city blarney okay uh it's a suburb of uh cork city which is great fucking city man yeah a lot of time there i went when i was 14 i was kind of like too young i was just there uh walking around like whatever yeah just went last summer.
Did you really? Yeah. I took my whole family.
I've been there like five times, but I took my kids for the first time and they, I'm going to tell you something. My kids like really feel their roots.
Like we all got the same tattoo when my daughter turned 18. She always wanted a tattoo.
And so I said, all right, let's all get the same tattoo when we turn 18. Awesome.
And so I don't know, but they've always felt, you know, like St. Patrick's Day.
I play a lot of Irish music and like St. Patrick's Day is a big day.
And, you know, my mom has gotten them very into the church and Irishness. And so we went over there and like they felt it in their bones.
They just got there and they're like, oh, my God, like this is where we're from, you know? Yeah, it's pretty cool, man. I was too, my mom was way more into it because her parents were like right from Ireland.
My dad's Irish too, but he's always like, I'm not fucking Irish, dude. Oh, really? Yeah, he'd be like, he's a fucking Irish.
He's like, I'm English. And he would tell us he was a Jew.
What? Yeah, he'd be like, I'm a Jew. Was he Jewish? No.
He just looked at the fuck with my mom. He's like, I don't give a fuck about Ireland.
He's like, fuck Ireland. His family was from Ireland, but he was like Scottish, Irish.
But you went to Catholic church just with your mom then? Your dad didn't go? My dad would come. No, he would come.
Oh. When I asked him about it, my mom was really the driving force with the Catholic church.
Yeah. My dad would go, and I'm like, well, you don't even care.
He's like, look, man, when you get a fucking tumor on on your face you're gonna want to go to church i was like all right right on so it's just an insurance policy kind of yeah or you i think he was just like yeah man it's good to go you gotta go it is good to go i know i gotta go i want to go back i haven't gone forever i gotta convince my wife to go to we're at like a religious war right now yeah she wants us to go to baptist i would like to go to catholic mass but i get it if you're not used to it no it's a lot you kind of look back and you're like sorry yeah it's it's intense weird yeah yeah it's like in taxi driver when uh robert de niro takes what's her name to a porn movie she thinks they're going to a movie on a date you ever see taxi driver i did but it was so i so high when I was younger. He was dating, it was a Candace Bergen, it was a really famous, beautiful actress and she's very kind of prim and proper and he asked her out on a date and she's like, yes, and then he brings her to a movie and they walk into a fucking porn movie in Times Square.
That's what it's like bringing somebody to a Catholic. It's just like, what's going on here? Exactly.
And you're getting up and you're like, and I get all nervous. I'm like, get your ass off the pew.
I'm like, stop. Get it off, dude.
My mom's on a fucking spaz. Yeah.
I know. It's so much like pressure to behave a certain way.
That's the thing I don't miss about it. Yeah.
But we went to church in Ireland. I took my mom.
Whenever I'm with my mom, I take her to church. Yeah.
My mom loves church, dude. So we went to this cathedral.
We were in Galway, and there's this huge, beautiful cathedral downtown. And it's like, I think, the fifth largest cathedral in Europe.
And so we go to the mass, and we go to like the 10 a.m. mass on Sunday.
This is like, this is the mass. This is the headliner mass.
10 a.m. spot, yeah.
10 a.m. is the big one.
And we walk in. I'm telling you, man, the Irish have given up.
The molestation thing was way worse over there. Yeah.
The church was like a quarter full. And it was all like immigrants.
It was all like Filipino Catholics and stuff. And then the altar boys come in, and these dudes were like rugby players.
They were like 17, 6'3". It's like, yeah, no one's sending their scrawny little kid to be an altar boy anywhere.
These guys can fight back. Yeah, man.
Damn, they are just like big strapping. Yeah.
Yeah, they did get crushed over there. I forgot about that.
They got hit like harder. Worse than us, yeah.
Yeesh. That's terrible.
Because it's the whole, you know, not the whole country, but obviously the North is not. But like, you know the republic of ireland everybody's catholic so there's that much more reverence and you know not talking out of school about it keeping it secret protecting the priests yeah that was a wild one yeah i thought about that last night you think they were like because they let a lot of those guys they shelf them around so it was like i'm like maybe they just forgave them but i was like that's kind of a rugged call what do you mean the church elders you can't like condemn i mean technically you can condemn pedophiles i don't like that yeah could he have like he should have punished them but that would have gone against his well it seems like francis is he's he's made a lot more steps towards it but the previous pope what was that guy's name uh francis probably francis five no francis is the new one aren't they all named francis or john paul no the last guy he was he was cardinal benedict or something okay whatever this he really covered up i mean he actually had to step down yeah because of it why that's crazy yeah look at look at the speed of this who is the last pope true yeah i don't uh that is a rough one here's the i was like why is there's no mention of pedophiles in the bible that could have cleared it up right away yeah it was like and then jesus met a pedophile and was like get the fuck out right right so that would be helpful because there's no real what does the church father do if you're answering to well there was also like who knows what was considered underage back then you know you look at the greeks and what they were doing with boys it was considered like a right it was your right as a man especially if you're a senator to have a boy to have boys yeah they had pages and they were there for whatever yeah true yeah yeah i've never been into it personally having boys don't know.
I'm just not into it. I wouldn't want to fuck the boys, but I would like to show up to a high-power social function with a bunch of boys and let people think.
Like, I have a bunch of boys. I wouldn't touch them.
Yeah, right, right. I would treat them well, but I would let people think, like, they're my boys.
And you want them all all look a little scared you know stay real close to

me and look scared yeah benedict the six now look that he i believe he had to step down yeah why did the last pope resign see that down below man yeah there'd be there's something terrible too about wearing the outfit with the high hat when you're sitting in like a giant chair and someone's like they're molesting all the kids and you're like i feel so silly in all of his clothes right now.

I know.

This whole house of cars

is about to crumble.

Yeah. giant chair and someone's like they're molesting all the kids and you're like i feel so silly in all this clothes i know this whole house of cars is about to crumble yeah no one's gonna give their five bucks to us anymore we're fucked yeah i mean they're they're not broke because you know over the years the church has amassed like really the best real estate in the world yeah they're the biggest landowner on earth i thought they're gonna go i'm like they're gonna go out of business my friend was like no they're not dude they've done this they can do a hundred year cycle of nobody coming they're fine they've got the artwork at the vatican alone 60 minutes is this piece about the artwork in the vatican it's it's it's they have like catacombs down there that go on forever and it's got like da vinci's and picassos and you know rembrandts and yeah they've got all the incredible art.
Would people donate them to the church or you think that was like old school concourse? I guess it might. What? No, I don't know.
They have Jewish gold. Fire sale.
I mean, hey. They fenced all the Jewish gold.
Yeah. Yeah.
Damn, dude. Yeah, that's fucked up.
I'm glad. Well, anyway,'re talking about going to church and how wonderful the cathedral was before we talked about child molestation well it was it was wonderful and then there's always the question of whether or not to take communion do you take communion when you go because you're supposed to have confessed recently in order to be eligible to take the eucharist into your body even if you sit it out everyone assumes you have mortal sin on your soul.
That's right. So it's like, I'm not trying to, you know.
So you eat. I would eat it.
Yeah. Actually, you know what's fucked up? This is actually really a, this is an unfortunate thing.
I have a gluten allergy. So I actually can't technically eat the Eucharist.
The body of Christ is not gluten free. Well, I'm not cannibal, so I don't eat the body of Christ because it's- Drink the blood? I drink his blood, though.
Nice. That's awesome.
So I actually fake take it. Well, I mean, again, your wife.
I hand it to her. I give it to her.
My wife eats it for her. I go, here, eat this.
Oh, really? Eat that, babe. Hilarious.
I've eaten a ton of this stuff. Go ahead.
Think of that. She grew up going to a church where it's all metaphor.
And then you there's a, and then you take her in and you go, no, this is, this is real. This is Jesus's body and blood.
Yeah. Eat it.
Eat it now. Wow.
He's right there on that cross, brutally murdered. Damn.
It is good though, man. People need a suffering based philosophy.
They don't, they're not popular anymore. No.
I'm just being like, no, your life's going to suck, dude. It's not going to, it's going to be fucking brutal.
Yeah brutal yeah and you should that's where you'll find your biggest center of meeting not like you know that like did you ever get into like the happiness science there's like scientists yeah that guy teaches that class at harvard dude it's the most depressing shit to watch it is did you try to practice gratitude and journal for five minutes that'll make you happy it's like dude I'm going to kill myself. I agree a thousand percent.
I mean, I'll say this, like therapy helped me a lot in my life. I really did learn because I have depression and I really learned a lot of coping skills.
Like I do work out for my brain. I meditate.
I try to, I do try to have gratitude that, that does help a lot. I don't want to sit down and journal about it, but I try to stop when I, you know, like with the special coming out, like I really did take a couple minutes today and take it in.
Like I almost cried. I was like, this is really intense, you know? But no, I think that trying to be happy, no.
Exactly. And I'm not against it either.
I like therapy. I did the same thing.
It's good to have like an outside perspective. I don't like the sanitized approach to where it's like, no, no, no, no, we can figure this out scientifically.
It's like, dude, no, you can't. They tried to figure out comedy scientifically.
I was just reading this article in The New Yorker about it. And it was a British institute.
So right out of the gate, like, all right, it's going to be awful. They had like 40,000 British people submit and then vote on jokes to see what was the best joke.

And actually, the best going to be awful. They had like 40,000 British people submit and then vote on jokes to see what was the best joke.

And actually, the best joke wasn't bad.

It was a guy goes to the doctor's office.

Doctor checks my head.

He goes, it's not good.

He goes, well, how bad is it?

He goes, you don't have a lot of time left.

And the guy goes, well, how much time do I have?

And the doctor goes, 10. And the guy goes, well, how much time do I have? And the doctor goes, 10.

And the guy goes, 10 months, 10 weeks.

And the doctor goes, 10, 9, 8.

That's not bad.

So that was the best one?

Yeah, that was the best one.

So were they just street jokes, basically?

Street jokes, old jokes, jokes from people's stand-up routines went in there. Damn.
And that beat everyone's stand-up? Might have been my delivery. No.
I get the joke. I mean, you didn't get the Florence joke before, so now I don't have a lot of faith in you.
Dude, I was like, if I don't get this one, I'm going to be fucking null. I better understand that.
The number one joke of all time and you don't get it.

Yeah.

So what were their findings though?

Because they have to be like X, Y.

What are the variables?

Well, they always break it down and there's 12 different structures.

There's the reverse.

There's the irony.

There's the whatever.

And it's just like it really, what do they say?

The frog dies in a dissecting table or something like that. You just can't pull it apart.
Yeah. It doesn't make sense.
And that's why AI is doing everything, dude. I mean, it's doing fucking heart surgery while the doctors stand there and watch basically at this point.
Basically, yeah. Are you worried about AI writing? No, but not comedy.

I've yet to see AI write comedy that makes sense

because there's something about it that's ephemeral.

There's something that is so cultural and so human.

It's poking at your humanity

and what your sense of what's appropriate.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

And that's moving. That's a moving target.
That's that's always depending on the room depending on who you're with dude i i totally agree i i don't know why people are freaking out about ai with writing i'm like dude if you're if ai's taking out your writing it's like you might have to be you know taken into the harvester because it's like it's i've done i've tried to ai jokes to see what they were like they're so bad well the jokes are i mean i could see like a a marvel franchise movie getting written easily might as well yeah as well yeah and then you can just tweak it like oh exactly this guy you get two guys to tweak it yeah red spandex all right there you go yeah but yeah i think it'll what'll happen is everything will be the same basically let's put a bunch which a lot of popular stuff is very similar anyway so it'll be like shitty popular like or like you know sitcom-y time slot tv will just be like a just produced by ai but i think if you're actually writing you know stuff i think it's pretty easy to beat ai i mean having kids and you'll deal with the, how old are your kids now? Two and four. Two and four.
I mean, my kids are 20 and 23, 21 and 23. And, you know, they're going into the workforce and they're having a really hard time looking at the, you send your resume into the abyss.
You know, you get on these job sites and you send in hundreds of resumes. You get, they don't even reply.
If you get you get a couple people replying. So the only way to get a job is by knowing somebody.
And unfortunately, it's me. So I got like four contacts in the entertainment business.
And so you have to chart your own path. And you have to do something like what you're doing.
You have to start your own business, essentially. And I keep, like my daughter's actually interning at the podcast studio.
Really? That I work at. Yeah.
That's, I heard they're, I don't know if it's the same one, but there's one from LA that's coming here and opening up too. No, mine is just mine.
Oh, at your podcast studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got what you're saying. I thought you meant like the LA podcast.
But she's learning the skills. She's learning about- That's awesome.
All the stuff that this gentleman right here is doing, you know here is doing. Dude, yeah, my little cousin just got a, he submitted like 50 resumes.
He submitted like 50 applications. It's like crazy.
It's brutal. It's brutal.
And the thing is, unemployment's like less than 4%, but it's like, yeah, they're all shit jobs. They're all waiting tables.
Yeah, that's true. There's not a lot of- I mean, I had a friend who was a copywriter in an ad agency, and it was a big agency.
It had 15 copywriters. AI came in, they got three now.
Yeah, that you could do all day long. I knew of somebody who was doing articles for an online, like a blog thing, and they didn't really get hip to the AI thing.
It was a couple of years ago said he would just show up hit like a couple prompts give him they would feed him like four 750 word articles he would just tweak them and be like you just hold them like all right here you go just kind of scatter them throughout the week and he's like dude i just chilled yeah it's like my would work for 15 minutes a week do you think about college students you think any of them are writing an essay ever again never there's no there's no way you could yeah yeah i've heard that's actually even like i was i remember i had a thing that could do bibliographies which were always annoying as fuck but i'm a rat program that could do those yeah now you can just completely ai a paper and it's not just i don't know it's not just about being able to you know formulate a thesis and support it and have transitions and a conclusion.

It's not all that.

It's about, it's fucking nine o'clock on a Sunday night and it's due tomorrow and your

friends are going to the bar and you're like, hey, I can kind of mail this in.

But there's that part of you that has to dig in and face it and push through it and finish.

Like that's the thing that they're missing now in life is they don't have that drive. I see with my kids.
My son is a smart kid. He's charming as hell, but he's gone through an education system that hasn't forced him to really handle his business.
Yeah. It's just he's smart enough that it was just easy.
Yeah. You know i i can't stand the school system because it's like trying to like memorize information is worthless yeah like completing just rote tasks of like it should really be like we have the ability now to like hone in on a person be like what are your inherent talents and interests yeah and then really try to amplify those you know at least a little bit to where it's not like like i I went to school for business.
I didn't give a fuck about business. Yeah.
It's just like, you know, Catholic school is just like memorized the capitals and it was just, it was a complete waste of time. Yeah.
But there is a thing to it of like, can you sit in a classroom and not completely disrupt it? Exactly. You do learn that and you learn the social skills and all that shit.
Yeah. You learn deadlines and you learn attend basic things.
That's true. Attendance and.
And there's consequences. Like if you fuck up, it's like, dude, this is happening now.
So I get that. That is all good.
But I think you're right. Why do you think they lack the spunk to get out there and take stuff on? I think part of it is they're coming into a world of despair.
You just saw a worldwide pandemic you just saw you know the

environment environmental stuff in the news you see the partisanship in this country and the forecasting of the overthrow of demise like it's a lot these kids are school shootings true and then on top of that i'm leaving out number one which is the fact that they've got a device in their hand that is dripping endorphins,

like little, like constant... leaving out number one, which is the fact that they've got a device in their hand that is dripping endorphins,

like little,

like constant,

you know,

like it's a fulfillment that's empty,

but they're addicted to it.

Yeah.

And it's also,

it gives you socially,

it gives kids a like genuine,

like a quantitative number in terms of how popular it,

before it was kind of like an abstract idea.

Like,

am I cool?

Now it's like, here's your numbers. No, you're not and that's got to be fucked up man especially if you're like a young girl and you're like oh god girls it's so much harder do the data's on phone you get like the the spreadsheet on like photos and you're like yeah it's better than mine so like there's numbers to back it up and it's like you had to only imagine that when you were young exactly now they can see it yeah yeah that's brutal it's fucking now when it does hit girl i mean i have a son and a daughter and i saw it hit my daughter way harder than my son you know it's got to be heart-wrenching it is heart-wrenching and there's nothing you can do about it you know you can because kids at a certain point like you can tell them you love them all you want they don't hear it they want hear it from their friends and their peers.
Do you ever think about setting up like a fake Instagram and going under her pictures and be like, no, you're actually a piece of shit. Fuck you.
Nobody likes you. I thought you were going to say tell them that you love them.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like, if they're in the comments getting shitted on, just be like, you're actually a piece of shit.
I saw your profile. You're a fucking loser, dude.
Yeah, right. Yeah, you could do.
Well, no, that would be weird if you catfished your daughter your kids being like i love you yeah that would be weird because you'd have to yeah that's a good script that's a good first act of a script right there i love that and then the daughter thinks that the father is like a perv and yeah you're dark with it you could go very yeah are you writing on that uh on tires? No, I'm not writing on that. Dude, that show is so fucking good.
It's very good. I'm excited for season two.
I mean, what do they spend? Eight bucks an episode? It's so simple. They're just in a garage.
They filmed the first season, I think, in like 14 days. Really? Yeah, they filmed it really fast.
It just goes to show it's like all in the family or something. Like you don't need, it's just a play.
You don't need so much stuff, yeah. It's a fucking play.
Yeah, they did it. I mean, they're very good at that.
I don't know how you do it. That's too many people, man, to organize that many people.
They did it. I was there on the set and it's like 75 fucking people.
Yeah. Every second there.
It's like eight people on laptops just sitting there doing God knows what. And it's like, that is for real.
I was blown away. I knew it would be good.
I watched it. I'm like, dude, this is fantastic.
It moves really quick. It's very fluid and easy to watch, but I'm excited for season two.
Was it the same crew that would make the videos that you guys did? It was Shane and John McKeever. They had Steve Gerben and Chris O' had the thing going and they just shifted it to a pilot.
Yeah. Well, I think that's going to be the new business model.
I mean, Always Sunny actually started like that. Yeah.
They did like a dressed down version of it on the internet and then it got picked up as a show. Yeah, you just need like, there is a weird, because with filming, even animation, you kind of, if you want to really do it, you do need like a million dollars.

I think at least. What do you mean? An episode? No, for like to do the whole thing.
If you want to do it super low budget, it's still a lot of money. So it's still tough, but it can be done.
Dude, I've written on shows that were, I wrote on Crashing, it was like a million and a half dollars an episode. Really? Yeah.
Goddamn. How do they even make the money back for that? I mean HBO spent

HBO wants their shows

to look good. Yeah, yeah.
They want them shot on film. We shot on film, which is way more expensive.
Did you really? Yeah. Does that make a big difference? Well, it was Judd Apatow, and he just always felt like there was an emotion that you get with the softness of the color, the richness of the color.
Yeah. And he also kind of liked directing with film because it's not infinite.
Like, it's like we can get three takes in before we got to change reels on the cameras. That's kind of nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
There was something. But, and then, you know, and so, I don't know.
There's something about the rhythm of shooting on film that really works. And it does look different.
It feels different. Yeah.
And you got to physically edit it, don't you? You have to like cut it and. No, I think they just.
Upload it all to a computer. Yeah.
Yeah. They make it digital.
They edit it and then they put it back on. I think they're trying to just say back again.
I don't know. That's what I was surprised.
I'm like, damn, they're like chopping fucking film and edit. That's crazy.
Yeah, dude. Yeah you act you act at all yeah you've done you were you weren't you in louis show yeah okay how do you like acting well i went to acting school for two years at the neighborhood playhouse which is where brando and james dean so after you're a gymnast you after i was a gymnast i went into acting school oh my friends are gay this is crazy yeah how old were you when you I'm a shirt with birds on it your dicks out i finished college i went to college in boston okay and then uh and then i started doing stand-up there right and then my dad died so i moved back to new york and i went to acting school for two years because my family's all back in new york okay and uh and i did stand up at night while i went to acting school.
And then I was like, all right, I'm going to go to LA and get some acting work. And like, it didn't really happen.
Like I had a good agent and I went out for a lot of auditions. Shitty auditioner.
Yeah. Like I truly believe I'm a good actor.
Like anytime I get acting roles, I feel really comfortable and I get really good feedback, but I'm not good at going into the room.

Yeah.

I don't know what it is. It's just.
I feel like if you're doing standup, it almost sets your brain up to be able to not do that. Maybe.
In some way. Because if you can just sit in an empty room with two people and be like, whoa.
It's like a standup you're reading so intensely. You know, I think it'd be hard to do.
I don't know what it was. I mean, some comics can do it, but a lot of comics can't because I think we're so in control

when we do our own words and we have to do somebody else's words.

They're always adjusting you and a lot of times we can't take the adjustments.

Yeah, that makes sense.

It's just awkward too to sit there and read a thing and be like, I don't know.

Every time I've tried acting things, it's excruciating. Yeah.
Because you don't get feedback. I mean, you will.
If you do really well, people will laugh and clap. Yeah.
I was like, there's no feedback. Then you're like, oh, actually there is.
Yeah. I'm not getting it.
But it's one of those things where it's like, they're like, all right, cool. And you're like, that's it? Yeah.
Can we do it again? No, we got to move on. You're like.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's very hard. I remember once I had an audition and I was really psyched about it.
It was a role that I was like, all right, this is me. This guy's dry, sarcastic.
And so I go in and I do the audition. It was almost like I wanted so much that I fucked up.
Yeah. I get in the car and I'm driving and I'm punching the steering wheel.
Also, I live in Venice. I'm driving out to fucking Burbank at rush hour.
Yeah. And I'm like, and I used to hire an acting coach before auditions, big ones.
I've thought about doing that myself. And so I'm punching the wheel and I go, no, fuck this.
And I turn the car around, I drive back and I wait for the casting director and the door opens and I into the room. And they're sitting there and I go, hey, listen, I know this is crazy, but I really, I know I can do this a lot better.
And they were like, we're good. And then I drove home feeling twice as bad.
I thought you were going to tell me the ultimate Hollywood vengeance story. And they were like, yeah, get the fuck out of here.
It was that bad. This is my moment.
They were like, yeah, actually, no. It wasn't even in the ballpark.
Oh, they wouldn like yeah get the fuck out of here it was that bad this is my moment they're like yeah actually no it wasn't even in the ballpark oh they wouldn't even respect the fucking comeback and being like guys i know this is my i am this character but then when i get roles like you know i was on lucky louis a few times i was on uh crashing a few times i did santa clarita diet i just did a movie with doug stanhope last year called the road dog that he's amazing in. He can act.
He won a couple awards at some film festivals. Yeah.
That's kind of sick. Yeah, yeah.
I know. But I think that role was really written for him.
I think the key is if you can write a role for an actor the right way, then they can really shine. Yeah, if it's not too much of a stretch.
Yeah. That makes sense.
Right. Yeah, I tried student films.
I, like, tried to get into acting, like, years ago. I was like, I might be good at it.
I don't know. Yeah.
I did student films, and they're, like, the worst fucking scripts. Uh-huh.
So you show them, I'm not, like, shitting on them. They just were, like, I was playing, like, this criminal guy, and, like, I'm, like, arguing with, like, my prostitute-y kind of girlfriend lady and being like, yo, I remember the one line was like, give me my space.
I was like, dude, he would never say that i'm like a drug dealing gun toting my like maniac being like yeah i look to set my boundaries right now but then you're like hey and they're like don't adjust the script you know i'm like bro this is gonna stink yeah you do it you're like just please delete this forever give me my space so i'm gonna light you on fire give me my space babe yeah that is tough man yeah so you know i'll let you out what time what's your what's your time frame I got a flight what time my flight is at 6 flight's today yeah at 6 I'm going to Denver tonight oh nice doing the Denver Comedy Works this weekend when does this come out that place is the fucking best tomorrow oh good Denver dates? Plug them, please. Dude, I got Denver Comedy Works, and then I'm going to Tacoma and Tulsa, Chicago, San Francisco, a bunch of other dates.
Fitzdog.com is the website. And then I've got a podcast called Fitzdog Radio.
It's awesome. Sunday Papers is the other one.
That's such a good fucking name, dude. I saw that.
I was like, fuck. Which one? Fitz Dog Radio.
Oh, yeah. So good, dude.
Yeah. Dude, 14 years I've been doing that.
Did you really? Yeah, 14 years. God damn, it's in your blood.
Jesus. I asked Shane to do it one time.
We were at the Hollywood Improv, and I was like, hey, man. And we didn't know each other that well, but we kind of knew of each other.
And I was like, hey, you're in town. I go, I was like, hey, you want to do my podcast? And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
But his voice went up a couple octaves. So like the next day I texted him, I was like, hey, you don't have to do it.
And he's like, oh, good. He goes, no, I don't want to do it.
It's such a big ask, you know? Yeah. I like podcasting.
Some people don't like it. Some people are like they genuinely dislike podcasting.
Yeah. I enjoy it.
I love it. That's why for me it's like I like stand up, but not having to go anywhere is so sweet.
Even like I'm flying to Denver tonight because my show isn't until tomorrow night, but they have morning radio lined up for me. Some comics complain about doing morning radio.
I fucking love it. I like going in and talking to the talking to the local djs well what happened too was louis had that bit in the show where the guys were like like i think it got every single comic was like yeah i fucking hate morning radio too because i did the same thing that i did it i'm like that's really fun well the good clubs know not to send you into those shows yeah you know they that's old school where they would come in and you know it'd be the commercial the commercial break and they'd be like, alright, give us three topics he can bring up.
Like, I'm gonna do my act at 7am on AM radio? No, I've only, I haven't had much experience with it. I did it last time I was, I don't know where I was, but I did it more.
I was in Orlando. Yeah.
I had a blast. I went around all day to like two different places and I had, for real, I had like a good time.
Well, dude, you know, my favorite morning radio guys are Preston and Steve and Philly. Really? and philly really those guys are amazing i got beef with preston dude no yeah i mean it's not a real thing it was just he was he was dating our girls volleyball coach when we were in grade school uh-huh so we were all at i was at his house basically like with the girls volleyball team my friends and he was like you guys gotta roll and i was like fuck this guy i still hold that down and we stole all this candy from his house we took like how old were you i was in like eighth grade seventh grade dude that's an irish grudge right there now i know you're irish no i don't i don't i don't genuinely have hard feelings but for years i'd always be like fuck that guy kick me out of his house yeah bullshit but no he's apparently a fine guy those guys one time they brought me in and um i had mentioned one time they were like we were talking about foot fetishes and i was like i like feet like i'm not a foot fetish guy but like i like a nice pair of feet sure you know girl and some flip flops and she's got some nice like the rounded toes not like there's not like that that that second one sticking out longer that's the celtic, yeah.
That's the Celtic feet, by the way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The pinky with like the no nails,

got like a slit.

She's trying to paint it.

It's like, come on.

And so we're talking about that.

And so the next time I came in,

they said, we know you like feet,

so we brought in this Filipino masseuse.

She's going to walk on your back barefoot.

And I'm like, and so I turn around and she walks in. She's about a buck 80.
And she takes her shoes off and she's walking on my back. And I'm like, I'm like, God damn it.
And then they're laughing their asses off and they go, dude, she's not a masseuse. She works downstairs at the coffee shop.
Damn, I didn't know they were going that wild on that show. That's hilarious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They used to do stunts.
God damn it. Did it feel alright, though? No, it was awful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think we're awful.
And then John DiBello I always love in Philly, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a good dude. Remember John DiBello? And then there was Pierre Robert was the big rock guy.
Yeah, right, right. My father was in radio, and he in, well, first Youngstown, Ohio, and then he was in Philly.
Damn, Bone Thugs is from Youngstown, Ohio. That's crazy.
Oh, yeah? Bone Thugs and Army, yeah. Yeah, I wonder if we knew each other.
So he was in radio in Philly? Yeah. Nice.
I mean, I was little. I don't remember.
I was only like seven. That's pretty cool.
Yeah. Well, hell yeah.
Dude, thank you for coming and doing this, man. Dude, my pleasure.
I can, well, yeah, yeah, I can drive you too if you need a ride. No, no, I'm good.
They got a limo coming to the hotel. I did Rogan and they treat you so fucking good.
That's fucking nice, man. That's awesome.
Everything is like limos and staying at like the best hotel in town. That's awesome.
Yeah. It's nice.
Yeah, his club does rule, man. That is a lot of fun.
The mothership? Yeah. Yeah.
Being able to go there any night and it's sold out. You're like, well, nice.
I know. I'm headlining there.
Oh, I forgot to mention that. I'm headlining there in two weeks and it's sold out.
I haven't- It's the best. Tweeted about it.
I haven't done anything. I know.
Like, yeah, sold it out again. Yeah.
God damn, dude. I must be a phenom.
I know. Yeah.
And the crowds are jacked. They're so into it.

Yeah.

And the comics are always a good hang.

The Green Room is pretty legendary.

That's pretty sick.

Yeah.

Dude, thanks again for doing this. All right.

My pleasure.

You're the motherfucking man.

All right.

Thanks, buddy.

Special rules.

Appreciate it.

That's really nice to hear.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.