Ep 511 - FitzDAWG (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 We'll start now. Greg Fitzsimmons, welcome to the podcast.
Thank you so much for coming, dude.

Speaker 2 What an honor. It's great to,

Speaker 2 you know, be in Austin and just like realize that, you know, literally, you know, the three or four biggest podcasts in the world are all in this town.

Speaker 2 Like it used to be, if you want to do press, you go to LA, New York, try to get on late night talk shows. Nobody gives a shit about going on a late night talk show.

Speaker 1 Nobody cares, man.

Speaker 1 You think Seth myers is going to sell tickets to anything no offense to him i'm just saying like nobody it's true i thought it was such a big deal and i would like see people go on them like years ago even and be like bro it's about to be the game's about to change you know just nothing would happen i'd be like oh what the hell nothing happens yeah nobody does anybody watch that they still run those circuits though if you have a movie i've noticed they still send people to like the late night talk shows but i don't know i guess honestly i think they do it to get the clip the one clip they can put on the internet yeah true yeah that sucks yeah oh no everything's becoming a podcast dude it's just fucking ruined everything yeah yeah that sucks they used to make such a nice like production they have like a band everyone was wearing suits and now it's just sitting in your sweatpants like you can find me in taco i know i know and it and it's just like uh there's no audience so sometimes people can just trail off into

Speaker 2 mundane small talk true and instead of getting to the real shit let's let's talk about jesus christ the lord is he in your heart yeah big time i grew up fucking catholic man no kidding i grew up catholic too of course where'd you grow up new york okay yeah damn you grew up in new york city or new tarry town just outside this

Speaker 1 yeah i'm irish catholic dude my whole family holding a catholic mass every every sunday wow yeah you can't really and even like when i'd be like when i went to college i'd be like i don't care about that stuff i would eat like a quarter ounce of mushrooms always about jesus every time it was jesus every single time yeah i would bug out and he'd be like i got you i'd be like thank you jesus sorry for all that i said dude i don't know anything sorry would you like talk to him I would.

Speaker 1 So there's been two times I've eaten like a large amount of mushrooms. The first time I was 19, I didn't even know what I was doing.
I was just like, I'll eat. I had one handful once.

Speaker 1 I was like, I'm going to eat two handfuls this time.

Speaker 1 Freaked out. There was no communication.
I was just bugging out to the point where I tried to listen to music and it felt like someone was hitting my brain with a hammer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, this isn't working. I got under my blankets and it was like, you know, when you close your eyes and all this crazy shit.
It was just like a stark image of Jesus.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, and I just relaxed.

Speaker 1 Pretty cool. I'm kidding.
Yeah, man, against my will. I was being cool.
When I was in college, I was like, I don't even believe that shit.

Speaker 1 Help me.

Speaker 2 Dude, who's cooler than Jesus Christ? I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm not into heaven and hell and rules and all that stuff. But I mean,

Speaker 2 you take the teachings of Jesus and what he did in his life, whether it happened or not. It's an archetypal

Speaker 2 power that if you get it introduced to you as a kid,

Speaker 2 it's just always there. Like, I still talk to God.
I don't go to church, but I still talk to God. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's important. People get hung up on the bullshit of like, you actually think.
It's like, bro, I don't even care about that, man. Yeah.
But it is true.

Speaker 1 If you can, like, put that, you genuinely, because I'm glad we got into this right away. Cause like Christians and Catholics don't have that process that Buddhists have.

Speaker 1 Like, if you're a Buddhist, you have like, you're going towards enlightenment. If you're like a Catholic, you're just like, yeah, just try not to hit my wife and just pray.

Speaker 1 I can just ascend, just gloriously ascend, just be a piece of shit my whole life.

Speaker 2 The ascension just

Speaker 2 rise to heaven but if you really practice trying to be like jesus it has crazy effects on your life yeah i mean look it's basically it's distilling a lot of other

Speaker 2 you know like all this holistic kind of feel-good stuff that you you know whether whether it's like uh deep pock chop or whatever it's all about

Speaker 2 shrinking the ego and realizing you're not the center of the universe, that there's a power, whether you want to call it nature or God or whatever.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I'm a guy who, I'm sober, so I've always dealt dealt with the higher power thing as well.

Speaker 2 And it's just like, you know, when you can get out of your own way and realize that your choices are not affecting the world in any way, then you can, you can somehow like be a friend and a husband and a father and all that stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, it's, it's crazy you're saying that. This, this like line of thinking has been coming up more and more.
Like I'll talk to people.

Speaker 1 More and more people seem to be like, oh, all right, I kind of understand this whole thing. Yeah.
So like I don't have to like burn prostitutes or like attack the choice to burn the prostitutes.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, but I'm saying if we mean like not pay them or like light them on fire?

Speaker 1 No, light them on fire. Before it was like we should like throw stones at women.
Like all right, we don't have to do that. We should just all be nice.

Speaker 1 It's starting, I think, to settle in on humanity. I feel like like now, starting like today.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it does feel weird that they throw stones at women?

Speaker 1 At women.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 That's just a tradition. It's a tradition.

Speaker 1 It's just an ancient tradition. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I wonder if women, just because it's gone on for so long, like if sometimes I'll go on a hike with my wife and I'll pick up a rock just throw it into the woods and she fucking ducks.

Speaker 2 Does she really have to do that? She's just from her DNA.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she thinks like eight other guys are going to come out of the woods and just start stoning her. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. That's one of those things where it is unfortunate to throw stones at women, but like before anyone was being like, this isn't right, it must have been kind of satisfying.

Speaker 2 Well, I think that's why they invented baseball to channel the energy in a different direction.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, first baseman instead of your wife.

Speaker 1 Bats and balls. Bats and balls.
Right. That makes sense.
Because, yeah, that's a pretty. That was a bad thing when we were beating women.
Yeah. It didn't.
It stopped, I mean, it's still going on.

Speaker 1 50 years ago.

Speaker 2 Well, it's still going on, but it's not acceptable.

Speaker 1 It's not acceptable.

Speaker 2 No, it used to be. You watch movies from the 50s and Carrie Grant just like slaps a woman across the face and then she kisses them.
What about the quiet man?

Speaker 2 You ever see John Wayne and the quiet man with Catherine?

Speaker 1 Catherine? He slaps a woman too?

Speaker 2 How can you be Irish and not have seen the fucking quiet man?

Speaker 1 I haven't seen it. Dude.

Speaker 2 And it's kind of the old Irish tradition of like, yeah,

Speaker 2 I mean, the thing about the Irish is it is actually matriarchal.

Speaker 2 The mother is the power one because there was so much alcoholism with the men that the women would have to step up and sort of like take charge of the family.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that kind of tracks.

Speaker 2 And also like, you know, Catholicism, it's the Virgin Mary. You know, she's this.

Speaker 2 I was thinking about the Virgin Mary the other day, like

Speaker 2 a lot of press about the Virgin Mary before she had Jesus. Like, she had a hook.
She had an angle.

Speaker 1 She was the virgin. Yeah, true.

Speaker 2 I'm the guy with the hat. You know, you're the guy with the kind of dumb Philly accent.
And she was the virgin.

Speaker 1 I knew you'd attack me at some point.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, it's just, it doesn't, it makes you seem less intelligent. And I think you're a smart guy, but you're only going to go so far in anybody's mind

Speaker 2 until you take an elocution class.

Speaker 1 That's where you want to be, though. Yeah.
I told my wife I'm going to have etiquette classes.

Speaker 1 I want to to hire etiquette classes. I'm going to hire like a headmaiden or whatever and try to just like teach my wife.

Speaker 1 What are they called?

Speaker 2 That sounds like somebody you found in a whorehouse.

Speaker 1 The headmaiden. Aren't they called like a headmistress or something?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I want to teach my wife man. I want to get someone to teach her like manners, decorum.

Speaker 2 Is she Catholic?

Speaker 1 No, she grew up with Baptists. She's black.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, she does like one of those churches.
Yeah. Well, that's exciting.
Funny ones. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, the Baptists are very exciting.

Speaker 2 They have the masses that you want to actually go to.

Speaker 1 Did you ever go?

Speaker 2 Once.

Speaker 1 It's pretty, yeah. I always feel like I'm intruding.

Speaker 1 The few times I've been, I'm kind of like, sorry, guys. I know.

Speaker 1 You know, you guys are doing something cool here, and you have just like a white onlooker just being like, oh, because white Catholic ceremonies are morose.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That deep organ and the incense burning, and you got, you know, the thing about a lot of you know, different Protestant faiths, the

Speaker 2 Jesus on the cross is it's it's an icon, but it's not uh it's not as detailed like we got yeah nails and blood and thorns you know you go to you go to like a Lutheran it's just a cross there's nobody on it we get it we know it happened yeah no you got to see the gore honestly yeah but yeah they don't really it was it was just like I've I've been to that and I've been to one of like the white

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's like a mega churchy kind of thing where everyone goes like this the whole time.

Speaker 1 And I could feel like my Catholic training. You just stand there like a Roman soldier the whole time.
You're like, I'm not fucking doing this.

Speaker 2 And you go to like your Catholic school dance and leave some room for the Holy Spirit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ours got pretty wild, though. Virtually.
Well, not the great, the grade school. Although the people,

Speaker 1 we had literally two pedophiles chaperoning our grade school dances.

Speaker 2 Did you know at the time? No. Did you have a hint? Did you have like a feeling?

Speaker 1 When you're young, you don't really know. There was never any kind of advances or anything.
But like when I got older, I started being like, what?

Speaker 1 This dude's doing exchange programs for teenagers from Europe, being like, What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Exchanging fluids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Well, yeah, allegedly.
So are they both in jail now?

Speaker 1 The one got off, so, but the other one just got caught with like the fucking, I think, the CP, and it was CP. Child porn.
Yeah, he got caught with the good stuff. And then

Speaker 1 I think he went to jail.

Speaker 2 Did I just break your algorithm by saying it out loud?

Speaker 1 I don't think

Speaker 1 child porn. I think you say it.
You're allowed to say it. It's not allowed to look at it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, but I mean, as far as like your podcast getting the algorithm.

Speaker 2 It's always like those keywords where you get demonetized.

Speaker 1 Yeah, child porn might be one of them that they say.

Speaker 2 Wait, so, I mean, here's the thing about child porn is if I know

Speaker 1 I'm capable of murder.

Speaker 2 And I'd like to exercise that opportunity at some point. Like, if I knew a guy was a pedophile and he got away with it,

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I wouldn't feel bad if the situation was right.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I could definitely get away with it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because he's going to do it again.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. That's the fucked up part.
Yes. Why do they get out of jail? Like, why are they not in jail forever? That should be like life sentence.

Speaker 2 It should be life sentence and it should be a special prison,

Speaker 2 you know, where they all go. Because I don't like the whole idea of like put them in general population and then they get like, they get raped and killed.

Speaker 2 Just put them in their own fucked up little island.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 2 And let it be like, you know, Lord of the Flies.

Speaker 1 Did you ever see Pervert Park? No. Dude, there's a documentary you might want to watch.

Speaker 1 It's about literally a trailer park in Florida where they put pedophiles, and every night dudes drive by and like throw bottles over the fence.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 It's really sad, though. You watch it and you hear their stories.
You're like, oh, you guys are all molested. And you're like, yeah, fuck.
Well, that's the thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's kind of the hot potato.
It's like, bro, you're busted.

Speaker 2 I'm not killing them because I think that

Speaker 2 it's purely because that they're going to do it again.

Speaker 2 It's stopping a cycle.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, the thing is everyone's like, you know, conversion therapy is crazy. If you're like, we got to take the gay out of gay people.

Speaker 1 You're thinking now we're just operating on the same thing for pedophiles. We'll go to jail and we'll fix that.
It's like, yeah,

Speaker 1 right, right. I'm not going to be like, yeah, you're right.
I don't want to fuck kids at all. They're definitely going to try to do it again.

Speaker 2 Do you ever have any friends that surprise you by coming out later in life?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 Damn, that means that you got some good friends.

Speaker 1 They're in a closet still, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I'm trying to. Do you ever think Shane might be gay?

Speaker 1 No, I don't think Shane's gay.

Speaker 2 It just seems like he's

Speaker 2 so manly. He's so manly that sometimes I go like, come on.

Speaker 1 Really? You think he could just completely be a power bottom?

Speaker 2 I think he would be a struggling bottom at first.

Speaker 1 I think he would struggle. But eventually he wished if he was gay, that would be awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's the manliest guy.

Speaker 1 He for real is the manliest guy. He's the best of those guys.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't think he's gay.
He's had every opportunity to fuck me. He's never have, never even made a pass.

Speaker 2 Has he touched you? Like, like kidding around?

Speaker 1 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 Has he touched your penis? For sure.

Speaker 1 Like a million times. We've talked about it before.
Okay. He's touched a lot of people's penises, actually.
But that's fun. That's that's being that's like it is fun when you're gay.

Speaker 2 That's sports.

Speaker 1 No, that's sports stuff, dude. Yeah.
He's not even here to defend himself.

Speaker 2 I can't wait till he listens to his own podcast.

Speaker 1 You're the one levying all the accusations.

Speaker 1 Nice straight as hell. I'm straight as hell.

Speaker 2 Dude, I had three of my best friends come out of the closet.

Speaker 1 Did you really?

Speaker 2 My buddy Pete, growing up, we would,

Speaker 2 dude, we slept at each other's houses four nights a week. And we used to skinny dip in the summers together.
We went to Europe together and hitchhiked around for six months when we were 18.

Speaker 1 And you guys never fucked around?

Speaker 2 Never in any way. And then years later, it came out and I was like, what?

Speaker 1 Did you, so they're still your good friends. You're able to ask him, like, did you want to fuck with me? We never talked about it.

Speaker 2 I just heard that he came out.

Speaker 1 Oh, what? You don't. Okay.

Speaker 2 I've only seen him once or twice since that happened.

Speaker 1 You didn't ask him, like, what do you think of me? Honestly, hot or not. What was it?

Speaker 1 Out.

Speaker 1 Ah. So you just found out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you couldn't even talk when you saw him or you're just like, what's up, bro? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. And then you had two other people.

Speaker 2 Two other ones. It was

Speaker 2 my friend. You ever heard of Kevin Meany, comedian? I have, yeah.
One of the greatest comedians ever to grace the stage. He was incredible.
He died about seven years ago. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Actually, I was thinking of someone else, too. My bad.

Speaker 2 He was one of my dearest friends, and he came out of the closet at

Speaker 2 50.

Speaker 2 And I'd known him since, you know, since I was a kid. You had a kid.

Speaker 1 You had no idea?

Speaker 2 He grew up in the next town over from me. I knew him since I was a kid.
He's 10 years older than me.

Speaker 2 And we used to go on the road together, slept at his house a million times, like, you know, like brothers. Yeah.
No idea. I mean, he went to cooking school.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's that's like I hear what you're saying, but without any other clues, that's nothing.

Speaker 2 That's like a he was on Broadway in hairspray?

Speaker 1 No, okay well here we go we're getting closer to the root of the issue

Speaker 2 he sang in his act he sang and danced

Speaker 1 that's just broadway

Speaker 2 but he came out when he got to broadway because he suddenly uh he grew up catholic yeah

Speaker 2 and he got to broadway and he saw all these men who were gay that were comfortable in their own skin and were having like healthy relationships with each other. And he was like, holy shit.

Speaker 2 Like his eyes opened. And then he left his wife and kid.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 And his wife was my next door neighbor growing up.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Yeah.
Oh, he went full in.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He could have just held it down as a gay dad. Told his wife, like, look, I'm gay.
Like, you know, we're through, but I'm going to still hold my spot down. Yes.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I'm not going to judge the guy.

Speaker 2 That would have been the Catholic way.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah.
Like, I'm gay. He should have just became a priest, honestly.

Speaker 1 He should just became if he really wanted to be. How many priests and nuns are gay? I think all the nuns.
All of them. The nuns.

Speaker 1 yeah. I mean, it kind of, you know, I wish they weren't, but yeah, they're probably lesbians, honestly.

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Speaker 2 My mom went to Catholic school in the Bronx, and she and her sister, she had two sisters. They got a shit kicked out of them because the nuns, here's the thing.

Speaker 2 Nuns, let's assume that they're all gay. They joined the sisterhood because they basically don't want to have to get married.
It's the 1950s. You got no choice.
You get married.

Speaker 2 Nobody comes out of the closet. So they go, all right, here's an out.
You go into this.

Speaker 2 And then they figure, you know, maybe they're going to go to Central America and, you know, like help poor people, whatever. And they go, no, you're going to be at St.

Speaker 2 Benedict's girls' school and you're going to deal with the kids that you didn't want to have in the first place. And they used to slap them and beat their knuckles with rulers.

Speaker 1 It was brutal. Yeah, that makes sense, though.
That's why they're so rough and tumble. If they're all a bunch of lesbians in there,

Speaker 1 just wanting to get that athletic, you know, female athleticism out. Right.
I was hit by a nun. I think I might have been the last person to get hit by a nun.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I like jumped off a bus on a fire drill and landed on somebody.
And the lady picked me up and just like smacked my butt, sat me inside. And I was like, all right.

Speaker 2 Just slapped your butt.

Speaker 1 Smacked this light play. Nothing crazy.

Speaker 2 Did that

Speaker 2 has that stayed with you? Like, do you, are you attracted to that? Would you ask your wife to smack my butt? Put on a habit.

Speaker 1 I never had the nun fetish. No, there was nuns for me were always like super old ladies.

Speaker 1 I I never associated them with like sexy Sally Field.

Speaker 2 What is she? Remember the flying nun, that TV show? Oh, you're younger than me. How old are you?

Speaker 1 38. Jesus Christ.
I look old, I know. You do.
I know. I've aged poorly.
I've aged poorly. What did you do? I just look so young.

Speaker 2 Just no sunblock at all.

Speaker 1 No sunblock. I have two kids now.

Speaker 1 I literally deteriorated in like four years.

Speaker 2 Damn. I did the same thing when I hit 50.
I'm 58, and I look 59.

Speaker 1 No, you kind of look right on par. I look fucking old, man.
I got gray hair. Gray hair.
Yeah, the gray hair kind of.

Speaker 2 You can You could dye your hair and probably shave 10 years off. I can't.

Speaker 1 I know, but I can't bring myself to dye my hair. No.

Speaker 2 That'd look crazy.

Speaker 1 If I dyed it. Did you dye your hair? No.
Exactly. I dye it.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 You can dye. You get jet black sides.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no. I actually don't even like having sides.
I just haven't shaved it in a while.

Speaker 1 You got bald? No, it's been something new. I've looked young my whole life, and now I don't look.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's honestly what I get because I used to work with a guy who was like, I was being told how young I looked years ago. And he was like, I look young too.

Speaker 1 And everyone's like, no, you look old as fuck. And I was like, aha.
Then now I look old as shit. It just happened like rapidly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you're married, man.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 It'll keep you out of trouble. True.
Like, I have not given a shit what I look like for so long.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I really, it's so freeing because the first half of my life, I was like most people, I was obsessed. My hairline started receding and I was fucking.
putting rogaine on.

Speaker 2 And when I'd go on TV, I had this brown powder that I would put in the corners on my scalp, and it actually really worked.

Speaker 1 Does it really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because the lights hit it and it doesn't bounce off.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And, you know, like, I always thought I was skinny. And,

Speaker 2 I mean, I have beautiful eyes and a good nose. For sure.

Speaker 2 But I felt like my body was like, I felt weak. Yeah.
I just wasn't a big dude. Yeah.
And I was very self-conscious about it.

Speaker 1 So you can never just get jacked no matter what you did. Well, look at that.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, that's pretty fucking shredded, man.

Speaker 1 That's no bullshit.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, I work out. I just don't.
I don't have the body type that grows. You know, some people just have small bodies.

Speaker 1 You have a Kung Fu Master Body. Yes.
You have like Jacked Bruce Lee body.

Speaker 2 Well, I did gymnastics for like eight years when I was when I was young.

Speaker 1 With all your gay friends? With all my gay friends.

Speaker 1 Dude, that pommel horse.

Speaker 2 I worked that pommel horse.

Speaker 1 You've real did gymnastics?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, that shit's crazy, man. My wife did that.
She was very serious into it. Really? She still got that light on your body.
You don't lose that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you don't lose that. I still have like hard abs.

Speaker 1 They do C-sections on it. They've done two, and they got to

Speaker 1 really cut into there. I've watched it.
It's disgusting.

Speaker 2 You didn't watch.

Speaker 1 I didn't. I was behind the curtain.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, my wife had C-sections, and I tried to go around, and a nurse fucking grabbed me. He's like, no, no, no, you don't want to see that.

Speaker 1 Dude, I was like shaking. I was behind the curtain.
It's like, oh,

Speaker 1 it's terrifying. Yeah, but man.
They take it, dude. They just take it.

Speaker 2 They take it. But the upside is that vagina.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 Hey, now.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 I asked the doctor, I'm like, is there something else you can do that thing? While she's under the knife, can you just fucking

Speaker 1 throw a stitch on that? Even tighter.

Speaker 1 That is crazy, though. I've dodged that bullet myself.
I'm like, dude, that's got to be... I mean, that's got to change things, right? When a fucking baby comes out of there.

Speaker 2 Oh, I would imagine.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's why I think you get to a certain ⁇ I don't know this for a fact, but my guess is when you get to a certain age, the man just moves about an inch and a half down, and that becomes the new vagina.

Speaker 1 Ah, I see what you're saying. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think it's just like,

Speaker 2 it's like.

Speaker 1 You got to, actually. I think.
I think that's what happens if you get blown. It is kind of a cruel joke on our creator that like babies are bigger than the biggest dick, no matter what.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't think that they used to be.

Speaker 2 I think that women had smaller babies and wider hips. I don't think it was as big a deal to have babies before.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 2 The heads have gotten bigger.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like my wife had, they told my wife early on, they looked at the,

Speaker 2 what do you call it, the picture of the belly?

Speaker 1 The sonogram, whatever.

Speaker 2 The sonogram, and they were like, you're not, this thing's not coming out.

Speaker 1 Big Irish head. Giant head,

Speaker 1 big Irish head.

Speaker 2 And also her pelvis is slightly tilted. Yeah.
So they were like, it's never coming out. Yeah.
And she was heartbroken. She really wanted to.

Speaker 1 I was so heartbroken about it. My wife was so upset, and I was like, what are you talking about? This is perfect.
Yeah. We're going to enjoy this so much.
Yeah. But yeah, it's like a...

Speaker 1 I guess a strike on their womanhood, I guess, to not go through the harrowing ordeal. But still, I'm like, dude, getting cut open is pretty serious, too, man.

Speaker 2 Well, no, I think it also, I think there's actually like

Speaker 2 certain chemicals that are released when you birth a child that

Speaker 2 almost stay with you. It changes a woman when it happens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, it happens with my cock because it's the size of a baby.

Speaker 2 So I can make women get that.

Speaker 1 You can complete them, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can usher them into their freaking woman.

Speaker 2 And it's like it's being born over and over again for like 35 minutes.

Speaker 1 That's good.

Speaker 2 I'm glad that's actually nice of you to do that yeah i always keep it to myself and like you don't deserve this no i share it because i feel like you know women uh they don't get enough of that and i feel like you know especially when i draw a little baby's face on my crown

Speaker 1 yeah and i put little feet on my balls i just balled up too is it like yeah yeah

Speaker 1 you show a crying baby

Speaker 1 Yeah, they don't get enough, man. It's just a shame.

Speaker 1 I heard if they eat their placenta, though, they'll get some of the effects. Yes, it's true.
Like, if they, if they, you know, yeah, eat the placenta.

Speaker 2 People save the placenta.

Speaker 1 They put it in the fridge. Pop it.
Yep. What do you think it does to a man to pop the placenta?

Speaker 2 Probably gives you some estrogen. They say, you know, men need estrogen.

Speaker 1 It's probably good for you. You think so? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know. Doesn't it cause like a bunch of problems?

Speaker 2 Well, you get tits. That's kind of sweet, actually.
It would be sweet.

Speaker 1 No, Steve-O's going for tits. No.
Steve-O, no Transin, just a full rack. He's still a dude, from my knowledge.
This might be, you know, this might be slippery, slope territory.

Speaker 1 He's just going to be a dude with a fat rack. Why not? I mean, I'm the only one in his corner.
I'm like, dude, that's kind of nice.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's pretty gay that we're always grabbing a dick and feeling it. Why not be grabbing some breasts? Exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like an antidote. I wonder if you could do both at the same time or if that would get too confusing.

Speaker 1 Grabbing your boob and jerking. I mean, I'd imagine you would.
Or titty fuck yourself, obviously. Yeah.
But

Speaker 1 yeah, I don't know, man. I think you'd have to just...
you could hold a tit while you jerked off. What are you talking about? Yeah.
Not both. Or you could just kind of like mash them together.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You come on your own tits.
That would be the big one.

Speaker 2 Nah, I can't. I can barely come on my own belly button at this point.
Ah, fuck.

Speaker 1 58. I didn't think about that.
When did the ropes stop flying?

Speaker 2 I was never a big shooter.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 2 No. I was just talking to Tom Segura, and he said he used to hit the bedboard.
It used to fly over his head. Did that happen to you? Yeah.
No.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, I used to rip him, bro. Oh.

Speaker 1 I used to rip him. Damn.
Peter. I used to lose him out of the park.
Out of the park. I'd be like, really? How the fuck did that go? Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now, you know, it's not that bad, but every now and again, I'll catch a dribbling and I'll be like, fuck. Yeah.
It's not like I haven't got the full, just like oozing.

Speaker 2 No, my first load now is what my second load used to be.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yeah.
I got you. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That does suck, man. Although, apparently, if you go on TRT, like

Speaker 1 you start just coming like a teenager. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 An 18 agent.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like to find it. I don't need to shoot it over the wall.

Speaker 1 I think it's a bad idea, honestly, the TRT. Yeah.
That's like the last thing. What is that growth hormone? That's just when you go on steroids, basically.

Speaker 1 You just go to a doctor and just get juiced up now.

Speaker 2 No, but I heard it gives you energy. Like,

Speaker 2 I've lost some steam. And a friend of mine went on it, and he said he just gets up now and he just goes.
Yeah. Like, he doesn't feel buzzy.
He just has natural energy. It's youth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but who knows what kind of cancers it causes and shit like that.

Speaker 1 I mean, if you get to a certain point, it's like you might as well just let it rip.

Speaker 2 Because you're going to die anyway.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, if I'm like 60, I'll probably break the glass on the TRT.
Yeah. Dye my hair.
Right. Leave my family, dude.
Like, I'm out of here.

Speaker 1 I've dealt with you long enough. I'm jacking.
I'm young again.

Speaker 2 Right, right. I mean, it would be good to have like a chapter two

Speaker 2 with another woman. I've been married 25 years this month.
Damn.

Speaker 1 Congrats. That's awesome.
Yeah. Thank you.
That's pretty, that's a serious achievement.

Speaker 2 Dude, it's an achievement. And I swear to you, and this is going to sound corny, but I still, I feel like I'm dating her still.
We go out, we laugh, I fucking, I'm attracted to her.

Speaker 2 She's just, she's amazing.

Speaker 1 So that is, that's beautiful. Did you guys have like a, because I'm like curious about this because you seem like you've, you know, we both do stand up and we have families and stuff.

Speaker 1 How do you kind of keep that going? It's a lot to be like gone all the time, come back. Is there a period?

Speaker 1 Do you guys have periods of like power struggle and this stuff, or is it just always smooth sailing?

Speaker 2 It's, I mean, when I, when my son was born, I was gone. Well, first of all, you know, we dated, so she knew what she was getting into.
Yeah. Because I was already on the road like half the time.

Speaker 2 And so she came into it going like, you know, okay, I'm good with that. She's a very like

Speaker 2 self. She's an independent person.
She can take care of herself. Gotcha.
And she has good friendships. And so she's got a community.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 then when our son was born,

Speaker 2 I freaked out. I just started taking so much road work because I was so, you know what it's like.
You're just like, oh my God, how am I going to pay for college?

Speaker 2 And, and so, I, and then, and I was gone so much that she finally just went, this isn't working. Something has to change.
And so, I called up Louis C.K.,

Speaker 2 who I started with. He's one of my best friends.
And I was like, dude, I'm dying out here. I don't know what to do.
And he was writing on a TV show at the time called Cedric the Entertainer Presents.

Speaker 2 And he's like, dude, we're looking for a monologue writer. I got a meeting set up for you on Monday with Cedric.
So I spent the weekend. I was in Indianapolis.

Speaker 2 and I sat in the hotel room writing jokes for a black dude from St. Louis.
That was the voice.

Speaker 1 That's the dream. That's the dream.
That's the dream.

Speaker 1 I got on the Kangled cap.

Speaker 2 Some, you know, I got a Blackberry instead of my iPhone.

Speaker 1 He was pensively walking around the room with the claw just digging like

Speaker 1 hitting the fucking stanky legs.

Speaker 2 So I go,

Speaker 2 so I go in and I pitch to him, and he fucking like, he loved my jokes. I got hired, and that started.
Like, I've had a pretty good career as a writer.

Speaker 2 I've been writing for, you know, 20 years now on a million shows. And I've been able to balance that with my stand-up.
So I wasn't gone as much.

Speaker 2 You know, basically, I go on the road, whatever, 15 weekends a year.

Speaker 1 It's not bad.

Speaker 2 And then I'm home writing on shows the rest of the time.

Speaker 1 That's kind of the dream.

Speaker 1 Thank God for this podcast. Cause, yeah, if I had to just do the road,

Speaker 1 I'd be dead.

Speaker 2 You can't keep a marriage going if you're just doing stand-ups. You can't, dude.

Speaker 1 Even if I'm out there being a good boy, dude. And it's like, you're just gone too much, man.
It fucking sucks. Right, right.

Speaker 2 how many weeks a year are you on the road?

Speaker 1 I initially was doing two weekends out of a month. And then I started doing like three.
And then I've did like three. I'll do like three in a row.

Speaker 1 And then now I'm going to scale it back down to like, once I get through, I like overbook myself for these two months. I'm going to keep a hard limit on just two a month.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, ideally, one eventually.

Speaker 2 And then when you're in town, you come out and do spots?

Speaker 1 Yeah, if I'm not doing stand-up that weekend. Yeah.
I'll try to do it because then it's like I'm gone all weekend.

Speaker 1 Then I, you know, you do spots during the week and you're just never not there for any of the dinner time. Right.
So I'm pretty good at balancing it.

Speaker 1 I can also, I can not do stand-up for like two weeks. It doesn't bother me.
I'm not one of those guys like, I got to get on the stage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got to get on the stage. 35 years, I've never, other than the pandemic, I've never gone more than a couple weeks without doing it.
Yeah, really? Yeah, I get,

Speaker 2 I just fucking, I love it. I love it.
And also, honestly, I get scared that I'm going to lose my place if I don't keep showing up. If you don't keep doing it, you go piss on the hydrant every week.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. People know, show the youngins who's the og yeah that's true yeah that must be fun to pop in though but yeah i i just

Speaker 1 every now and again i'm like i i just get pissed on my sleep or i'm like i don't want to be out till two in the morning can't do it so you do the early spots No, I go out.

Speaker 2 I'll be, no, I usually ask for later spots because I like to have dinner with the family. Right.

Speaker 2 And sometimes it's like I'll be out to dinner with my wife and like two other couples and all of a sudden it's 10 o'clock and they're like, all right, I'm tired. I'm going home.

Speaker 2 And I was like, all right, I'm heading into Sunset Strip. I live in Venice.
And they're like, what?

Speaker 1 They're like, why?

Speaker 2 How much are you making? I'm like, 30 bucks. Yeah.
How much time are you doing? 15 minutes. I'm going to drive an hour around the trip.
And they're like, why? And I just look at them like,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I have to.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't know.
It's not rational.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I just do it. It's what I've always done.

Speaker 1 No, that makes sense.

Speaker 1 I could, for me, I could totally, I like doing it once I'm there, but like, just the anticipation of it for me, I got shit all weird beforehand.

Speaker 1 I'm like, it's just, that's why I look so fucking old, man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't let that bad just bust your balls.

Speaker 2 Did you play sports growing up? You look like a wrestler.

Speaker 1 I played. I should have wrestled.
That was my big mistake. I never wrestled.
I played basketball and football.

Speaker 2 Basketball? How tall are you?

Speaker 1 5'10. How old?

Speaker 1 I played when I was little. So I was tall when I was little.
Then I got to high school football and I just saw other defensive ends and I was like, oh, that's not my position, I guess. That's never.

Speaker 1 High school was like my.

Speaker 2 Alan Iverson, was that that your guy?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was the big guy. Great.
AI was huge. He was awesome.
Yeah. But yeah, it was

Speaker 1 high school. High school was like the end of my sports career, pretty much, because I just got there and I'm like, yeah, I'm not growing it.
I stopped growing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Where'd you go to college?

Speaker 1 Trexel. Trexel.
No, no shit. It's kind of a rough neighborhood, isn't it? Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's in like Mantua and West Philly. So it's like where Drexel is, it's fine.
But if you go north of that, that's called Mantua. It's called the bottom.
That's like colloquially.

Speaker 1 That's what it's called.

Speaker 1 And it is a really bad neighborhood. It's all getting gentrified.
And if like what if you go past Penn, that's like West Philly proper. Yeah.
But yeah, it's pretty bad, man.

Speaker 1 I've lived in a, I used to live in a house when I graduated that was like, it was on 37th and Mellon. Now it's just public housing, but it was literally four blocks or four houses on the entire block.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. And it was literally like a prostitute next to me.
Like, literally, she would like suck dicks out of her back door.

Speaker 2 Did you light her on fire?

Speaker 1 No, I was pretty tolerant of her lifestyle. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You messed her up, but you never lit the match.

Speaker 1 I never wanted to beat women or light them on fire. I'm just saying that's what we used to do.

Speaker 1 You know, people still kill hookers, hookers though. That's yeah.

Speaker 2 And the sad thing is like the police are like, all right, whatever. Like there's no investigation.
They're just like, life didn't mean anything.

Speaker 1 I know. It's pretty shitty.

Speaker 2 Yeah. There was like two homeless guys behind my house.
One of them killed the other one like a month ago. And the cops came for like an hour.
They didn't even yellow tape it.

Speaker 2 They were just like, all right.

Speaker 1 They just kicked him down the side.

Speaker 2 Nonetheless, yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn. So they fucking killed the other guy.
Yeah. Did you see it? Or do you just you?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't see it, but like the whole neighborhood was telling me the next day. You know, and then you got that like, what's the police thing?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so they had the whole breakdown of it. But

Speaker 1 how did they, was it with like a gun or

Speaker 2 a knife stabbed him in the neck?

Speaker 1 Damn, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, Venice is rough.

Speaker 2 It's like, in some ways, it's very wholesome. Like, it's a real neighborhood.
It's a community. It's always been very community.
Like, people don't have fences between their houses.

Speaker 2 And, like, my kids grew up with the same guy. I've been there 22 years in the same house.
And we play beach volleyball on Sundays together. I play paddle tennis at the beach.
Fucking awesome.

Speaker 2 Poker nights. You know, we go out to dinner.
Like, it's really amazing. But, you know, there are pockets of, you know, encampments.
Not like they used to be. They really cleared it out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 1 how do they clear it out, too? I always hear that. I think they physically like pick them up and like get out of here.

Speaker 2 Well, they do a lot of lead up. They spend three months like trying to find them housing, interim housing.
They put some of them into rehabs. They actually unite people with their families.

Speaker 2 There's like a whole outreach problem. Really? Program where they do that.
Yeah. No, they're really good about it in Venice.
That's good.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I was in Salt Lake and I was talking to the old mayor.
Dude, dude, he was like, I didn't know he was running on save the homeless. He was like, yo, usually this place is full of homeless people.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, it looks nice, man. Good job.
He's like, no, it's like they literally came in here and just like grabbed their shit. They're worried about that.
They're all fuck out. Yep.

Speaker 1 They take their medications and they're like, you know, no, it's brutal. But I will say, I was like, this park's beautiful, though.
It's definitely, it is for the better.

Speaker 1 It's nice, but it's kind of brutal. But they're just, you're just stomping on them.
You just beat their ass. You're like, the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's like, they're going to go somewhere. The problem is, especially in California where the weather's not that bad, like,

Speaker 2 they just, honestly, they are given a chance to get into housing and they don't want to.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's a mentality that's kind of sprung up of like, they call them campers, you know, and they want to be in RVs or whatever, and they don't want to be told what to do.

Speaker 2 And there's, and the drug use is like, I don't know how much of it is that the drug use caused the homelessness or the mental illness caused the homelessness, which then caused, you know, self-medicating with different drugs.

Speaker 2 But it's, um, it's a really tough cycle to break.

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Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, especially if they're like, you know, I I know in Orange County, what they do is they go, hey, we have a bed for you. And if they go, no, thank you.
You can go, okay, get on this bus.

Speaker 1 And you can just, they just drop them off in San Diego. Oh, no kidding.
Yeah. They're like, well, we offered you a place.
And if you didn't take it, now you're loitering and now you have to leave.

Speaker 2 Orange County, man. Yeah, they do.

Speaker 1 But it's also like, I don't know, man. It's one of those things where I've heard if I was talking to my friend Jared Clickstein.
He wrote a book. He was on Skid Row.

Speaker 1 He lived there for like a couple years or I think like a year and went back and forth.

Speaker 1 And he said the problem with the housing is a lot of times you put these guys in housing and they OD on fentanyl and they're just in a house and they die. Whereas if they're on the street, they OD.

Speaker 1 Someone's like, oh, Jesus Christ, and he's a cigar can. Okay.
So it's kind of a mess, man. It's a tough one to fix.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is. And it is funny because, like,

Speaker 2 as people that grew up Catholic, you know, what would Jesus have done? You know, he literally was out there with the lepers and the prostitutes.

Speaker 2 Kissed them too. He would kiss them.
I knew wash their feet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine washing their feet. Meth feet that are like falling off.

Speaker 1 with those hard nails that are like all crusty.

Speaker 2 And no, it's brutal. But then, you know, you see so many Christians in this country that are so

Speaker 2 anti-poor. Yeah.
It's really, you know, it's a real paradox.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Even in the abortion issue, like, I get why they don't like it.
Like, my mom, no-go zone for her. Talk abortion.
My mom's like, get the fuck out of here. Good news for you.
True. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why would that be bad news, actually?

Speaker 2 Because she would have aborted you.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 1 I thought you meant like my kids. I'm like, she's not going to kill my kids.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about? True. Yeah, she was anti-abortion.

Speaker 1 But it is like, you know, it's weird when they're anti-abortion. They like spit on the ladies walking in.
It's like, dude, you should hug this lady on the way out. She just destroyed her fetus, man.

Speaker 1 It's pretty sad. Yeah.
It's the saddest shit ever.

Speaker 2 Well, that's the thing. No one's happy about it.

Speaker 1 I don't think so. Some ladies pretend.
They're like, yeah, I got the 10th one. You're like, dude, relax.

Speaker 2 No, I have a joke about how women need to own it more because they're not.

Speaker 1 Especially when it's hilarious, by the way. Sorry,

Speaker 1 I watch it. Yes, it was hilarious.

Speaker 1 It was very funny. Oh, I appreciate that.
I'm always nervous when they send me stuff. I'm like, what if I don't like it? Yeah.
And I watched, I'm like, this is fucking. I'm like, sweet.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I couldn't have it in me to be like, it was awesome, man. I was watching.
I'm like, yeah, this shit fucking rolled. I knew it would be good.
I've seen your stuff before. But it was special.

Speaker 2 You are literally like maybe the seventh person I've talked to that's seen it because it just came out last night. And I only showed it to like a few, I showed it to Attel and a few other people.

Speaker 2 Attel told me, cut the first three minutes.

Speaker 2 You're dead.

Speaker 1 You have death in your eyes.

Speaker 2 And I did. I just went in and I snipped out the first three minutes, and I started it with me standing on stage.

Speaker 1 That's a good move, though.

Speaker 1 It's not like a jarring cut either.

Speaker 2 No, I turn around to I say hello, and then I turn around to go to the stool, and then it does the title page. And then when you come back, I'm starting again.

Speaker 2 So it was fine. And even if it wasn't, who gives a shit? Nobody cares.
I think it's almost fun to start a little bit different. But no, but I think I was nervous and it showed.

Speaker 2 I don't think the material is bad. Like, it was fine.

Speaker 1 But you think you were an oh, in the first three minutes.

Speaker 2 But, uh, but it's blowing up on,

Speaker 2 uh, it's just been out for like 12 hours, and it's got like 35,000

Speaker 2 views already.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, it's yeah, I can't believe it. Yeah, sweet way to do it, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, well, it's, it's a pain in the ass because, like, uh, you gotta, I paid for it myself, which was a lot.

Speaker 2 I shot it at the mothership, yeah, and I was like, all right, I'm never getting this money back.

Speaker 2 But then you get to the distributor, and there's like a whole split with them that's a lot like they had a lot

Speaker 2 and you're like well that's kind of my thing isn't it what kind of what is the split i don't want to get into it because they're probably going to listen to it but uh but no it it's it's you're never independent that's the thing i learned about this business you can try to be independent but at the end at the you know at the at the 11th hour you end up having to like you know go into business with people yeah yeah i tried i tried to hold out for a while i was like i don't don't need anybody and then you know oh you got a special out i did one on youtube like two years ago but i'm saying uh but yeah you're like i'm not high i don't need a manager i don't need a fucking agent i'll book these clubs myself and you do it twice and you're like i need all this stuff no agents i i love agents i mean my agent gets me work collects the money sets up my hotel like all for 10

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 agent manager basically i got rid of the manager you did yeah agent does everything you don't need the 40 000 foot view all the time yeah right right right yeah here's what we're thinking.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? What were you thinking? Because I was in a hotel room in Michigan. I did a lot more thinking about me than you did.

Speaker 2 You thought about me as your receptionist said that I just called.

Speaker 2 You always hear them tapping on the keyboard while you're talking because they have notes and they look up what you said last time so they can go, yeah, I followed up on so-and-so.

Speaker 1 I haven't heard back. Haven't you?

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 1 I feel like that is the ultimate game where they just grab a bunch of dudes. They just blow up.
You just blow your ego up. They're like, bro, you are about to blow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You have like 20 people in your stable and you're like, one of these dumbasses will hit it. Yep.
Just cash in on them.

Speaker 2 So you have no agent, no manager?

Speaker 1 I have both. I have agent and managers.

Speaker 2 Oh, you do? Yeah. Where are they located?

Speaker 1 New York. New York and I think L.A.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think L.A. Well, somewhere in LA.
Everyone's all over the place, but they're mostly New York, L.A.

Speaker 1 I think, for the most part. That's good.

Speaker 2 They're not taking a piece of the podcast, are they?

Speaker 1 No, I don't think. No, I don't think they are.

Speaker 1 I think they want it.

Speaker 2 No, that is the last stand, man.

Speaker 1 Podcast has to be

Speaker 2 in the Wild West.

Speaker 1 It has to be an island.

Speaker 2 Because what do you got? You got, what's your name again?

Speaker 1 Andrew Tarr.

Speaker 2 You got Andrew Tarr, and that's all you need. He records it, you upload it, and it's done.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I feel my family business is demolition.

Speaker 1 In order to work, they have to lug heavy machines

Speaker 1 just to

Speaker 1 get some copper and pain.

Speaker 1 And it's like, I actually need a microphone. It's it.
Fucking computer. Yeah, it's pretty.
I feel bad. All my family does construction, like landscape and all that stuff.

Speaker 2 No, my grandfather, his name was Florence McCarthy. He was from Ireland.

Speaker 2 And so he raised my mom in the Bronx. And then my father, who also grew up in the Bronx, comes over.

Speaker 2 And my grandfather worked for Con Edison, the electric company, and like on the poles, you know, wintertime

Speaker 2 in New York, pulling wires. And so.

Speaker 2 My dad was in radio. This is the family business for me.
Like, I grew up with my dad, who's one of the biggest guys in New York in radio. That's awesome.

Speaker 2 And so he comes over to the house and he meets. He's dating my mom, and he's meeting Florence for the first time.

Speaker 2 And he's already working in radio. He's making a living in radio.
It's awesome. So he comes in, and my grandfather says, Well, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 2 And my father goes, Well, I'm a radio broadcaster.

Speaker 1 And he goes, Oh, that sounds fine.

Speaker 2 He goes, And what kind of hours are those? And my father goes, I work from noon to 4 p.m.

Speaker 2 And my grandfather thinks for a second and he goes, Well, you may come home hungry, but you'll never come home tired.

Speaker 2 And they became like best friends.

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Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I fake laughed. I don't get it.

Speaker 2 Well, just that, like, he's so used to coming home tired from work.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And my father's working four hours sitting behind me.

Speaker 1 So come home hungry for lunch. I'm sorry.
I totally fake. I didn't get it.
I panicked. I fake laughed.

Speaker 2 Now I get it. Thanks for nobody admits that.

Speaker 1 I felt dirty. I was like, I don't care.
I'm a terrible liar. So I'll be fine.
Good for you. Halfway through, I was like,

Speaker 2 I think there was 10% of me that wasn't buying the laugh.

Speaker 1 I think so.

Speaker 1 It was a bad fake fake laugh.

Speaker 2 Well, because I think I've genuinely made you laugh a few times. And so I sensed the difference.

Speaker 1 That was a fake laugh. That was a fake laugh.
Well, it was like I was already sold. And as soon as you did the thing, I was like, hilarious.
And I was like, wait a second.

Speaker 2 Well, it was a solid setup.

Speaker 1 I got characters.

Speaker 2 I did an accent.

Speaker 1 I was all balled in. I was just like, and as I was laughing, I was like, wait a second.
I don't know. No, this guy got me.
The accent. The accent got me too.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my mom's dad was from Ireland, and he used to do like weird shit. When they would buy cars, he would like jump.
He would stand on the bumper and and just like jump up and down. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was.

Speaker 2 What was his name?

Speaker 1 Cornelius Kearney.

Speaker 2 Cornelius Kearney. What county was he from?

Speaker 1 Cork, I think. It was like Cork or Killarney, one of them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We had some people from Cork. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Blarney. Yep.
Yeah. Down there at the bottom.
Is that South Ireland, right? It's southern?

Speaker 2 No, Cork is that's like Cork City, Blarney. Okay.
It's a suburb of

Speaker 2 Cork City, which is a great fucking city, man.

Speaker 2 Spent a lot of time there.

Speaker 1 I went when I was 14. I was kind of like too young.
I was just there

Speaker 1 walking around like whatever. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We just went last summer. Did you really? Yeah.
I took my whole family. I've been there like five times, but my, I took my kids for the first time and they, I'm going to tell you something.

Speaker 2 My, my kids like really feel their roots. Like we all got the same tattoo when when my daughter turned 18, she always wanted a tattoo.

Speaker 2 And so I said, all right, let's all get the same tattoo when we turn 18. Awesome.
And so

Speaker 2 they, I don't know, but they've always felt, you know, like St. Patrick's Day.
I play a lot of Irish music and like St. Patrick's Day is a big day.

Speaker 2 And, you know, my mom has gotten them very into the church and Irishness. And, and so we went over there and like they felt it in their bones.

Speaker 2 They just got there and they're like, oh my God, like, this is where we're from, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's pretty cool, man. I was too, my mom was way more into it because her parents were like right from Ireland.
My dad's Irish too, but he's always like, I'm not a fucking Irish, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah, he'd be like, he's a fucking Irish.

Speaker 1 He's like, I'm English. And he would tell us he was a Jew.
He's just like, yeah, he'd be like, I'm a Jew.

Speaker 1 Was he Jewish?

Speaker 1 He's like, fuck with my mom. He's like, I don't give a fuck about Ireland.
He's like, fuck Ireland. His whole family, his family was from Ireland, but he was like Scottish, Irish.

Speaker 2 But you went to Catholic church just with your mom then?

Speaker 1 Your dad? My dad would come. No, he would come.
His whole, when I asked him about it, is my mom was really the driving force with like the Catholic Church. Yeah.

Speaker 1 My dad would go and I'm like, well, you don't even care. He's like, look, man, when you get a fucking like tumor on your face,

Speaker 1 you're going to want to go to church. I was like, all right, right on.

Speaker 2 So it's just an insurance policy.

Speaker 1 Kind of, yeah. Or I think he was just like, yeah, man, it's good to go.
You got to go.

Speaker 2 It is good to go.

Speaker 1 I know. I want to go back.
I haven't gone forever. I got to convince my wife to go to.
We're at like a religious war right now. Yeah.
She wants us to go to Baptists.

Speaker 1 I would like to go to Catholic Mass, but I get it if you're not used to it.

Speaker 2 No, it's a lot to do.

Speaker 1 You kind of look back and you're like, sorry.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's weird.

Speaker 1 This one's weird. Hold on.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like in Taxi Driver when Robert De Niro takes, what's her name, to a porn movie? She thinks they're going to a movie on a date.

Speaker 2 You ever see Taxi Driver?

Speaker 1 I did, but it was so. I saw so many movies.

Speaker 1 It was so high when I was younger.

Speaker 2 Dating, was it Candace Bergen?

Speaker 2 It was a really famous, beautiful actress, and she's very kind of prim and proper. And he asked her out on a date, and she's like, Yes.

Speaker 1 And then he brings her to a movie and they walk into a fucking porn movie in Times Square.

Speaker 2 That's what it's like bringing somebody to a Catholic movie. It's just like, what's going on here?

Speaker 1 Exactly. And then you're getting up and you're like, and I get all nervous.
I'm like, get your ass off the pew. I'm like, stop, get it off, dude.
My mom's going to fucking spazz.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's so much like pressure to behave a certain way. That's the thing I don't miss about it.
Yeah. But we went to church in Ireland.
I took my mom. Whenever I'm with my mom, I take her to church.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my mom loves church, too. So we went to this cathedral.
We were in Galway, and there's this huge, beautiful cathedral downtown. And it's like, I think the fifth largest cathedral in Europe.

Speaker 2 And so we go to the Mass and we go to like the 10 a.m. Mass on Sunday.
This is like, this is the Mass.

Speaker 1 This is the headliner mass.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 10 a.m. is the big one.

Speaker 2 And we walk in. I'm telling you, man, the Irish have given up.
They got the molestation thing was way worse over there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The church was like a quarter full.

Speaker 2 And it was all like immigrants.

Speaker 1 It was all like

Speaker 2 Filipino Catholics and stuff. And then

Speaker 2 the altar boys come in.

Speaker 2 And these dudes were like rugby players. They were like 17, 6'3.
It's like, yeah, no one's sending their scrawny little kid to be an altar boy anymore. These guys can fight back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 Damn, they are just like big, strapping. yep yeah they got yeah they did get crushed over there i forgot about that they got hit like harder worse than us yeah

Speaker 2 because it's it's the whole you know not the whole country but obviously the north is not but like you know the republic of ireland everybody's catholic so there's that much more reverence and you know not talking out of school about it keeping it secret protecting the priests yeah that was a wild one yeah i thought about that last night you think they were like because they let a lot of those guys they shuffle them around so it was like i'm like maybe they just forgave them But I was like, that's kind of a rugged call.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, the church elders?

Speaker 1 You're afraid of you can't like condemn. I mean, technically, you can condemn pedophiles out.
You'd be like, I don't like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Could he have like, he should have punished them, but that would have gone against his.

Speaker 2 Well, it seems like Francis is, he's, he's made a lot more steps towards it. But the previous pope, what was that guy's name?

Speaker 1 Francis, probably. Francis Five.
No, Francis is a new one. Aren't they all named Francis? Like Francis or John Paul?

Speaker 2 No, the last guy,

Speaker 2 he was Cardinal Benedict or something. Okay.
Whatever this,

Speaker 2 he really covered up. I mean, he actually had to step down because of it.

Speaker 1 Why? That's crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at the speed of this. Who is the last pope?

Speaker 1 True. Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1 That is a rough one. I was like, why is there no mention of pedophiles in the Bible? That could have cleared it up right away.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then Jesus met a pedophile and was like, get the fuck out of me. Right, right.
So that would have been helpful because there's no real... What does the church father do if you're answering to?

Speaker 2 Well, there was also like who knows what was considered underage back then? You know, you look at the Greeks and what they were doing with boys, it was considered like a right.

Speaker 2 It was your right as a man, especially if you're a senator to have a boy. To have boys.
Yeah, they had cages and they were there for whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've never been into it. Personally, having boys?

Speaker 1 I'm not that. I don't know.
I'm just not into it.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't want to fuck the boys, but I would like to show up to like a high-power social function with a bunch of boys. Yeah.
Let people think is that kind of like a boys

Speaker 2 i wouldn't touch that right right i would treat them well but i would let people think like these are my boys and they all you want them all look a little scared you know stay real close to me and look scared

Speaker 1 benedict yeah benedict the six now look that he i believe he had to step down yeah why did the last pope resign see that down below oh man yeah there'd be there's something terrible too about wearing like the outfit with the high hat when you're sitting in like a giant chair and someone's like they're molesting all the kids and you're like i feel so silly in all of his clothes.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 2 This whole house of cards is about to crumble.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no one's going to give their five bucks to us anymore.

Speaker 2 We're fucked. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 2 they're not broke because, oh, you know, over the years, the church has amassed like really the best real estate in the world. Yeah.
They're the biggest landowner on earth.

Speaker 1 I thought they were going to go out of business. I'm like, they're going to go out of business.
My friend was like, no, they're not, dude. They've done this.

Speaker 1 They can do a hundred-year cycle of nobody coming. They're fine.

Speaker 2 They've got the artwork at the Vatican alone. 60 minutes of this piece about the artwork in the Vatican.

Speaker 2 They have like catacombs down there that go on forever. And it's got like da Vinci's and Picasso's and

Speaker 2 Rembrandts. And yeah, they've got all the incredible art.

Speaker 1 Would like people donate them to the church? Or do you think that was like old school conquest?

Speaker 1 Holocaust.

Speaker 1 What? No, I don't know. They have Jewish gold.
Fire sale.

Speaker 1 I mean, hey.

Speaker 1 Defensed all the Jewish gold. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn, dude. Yeah, that's fucked up.
I'm glad. Well, anyway, you're talking about going to church and how wonderful the cathedral was before we talked about child molesting.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 it was wonderful. And then there's always the question of whether or not to take communion.
Do you take communion when you go?

Speaker 2 Because you're supposed to have confessed recently in order to be eligible to take the Eucharist into your body.

Speaker 1 But if you sit it out, everyone assumes you have mortal sin on your soul. That's right.
So it's like, I'm not trying to, you know.

Speaker 2 So you eat.

Speaker 1 I would eat it. Yeah.
Actually, you know what's fucked up? This is actually really,

Speaker 1 This is an unfortunate thing. I have a gluten allergy.
So I actually can't technically eat the Eucharist. The body of Christ is not gluten-free.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm a cannibal, so I don't eat the body of Christ because it's... Drink the blood? I drink his blood, though.

Speaker 1 Nice. That's awesome.

Speaker 1 So I actually fake take it.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, again, your wife.

Speaker 1 Okay. I hand it to her.
I give it to her. My wife eats it for her.
I go, here. Oh, really? Eat that, babe.

Speaker 2 Hilarious.

Speaker 1 I've eaten a ton of this stuff.

Speaker 2 Think of that. She grew up going to a church where it's all metaphor.

Speaker 1 You know, there's a and then you take her in and you go no this is this is real this is jesus's body and blood yeah eat it eat it now wow he's right there on that cross brutally murdered damn it is good though man people need a suffering based philosophy they don't they're not popular anymore of just being like no your life's gonna suck dude it's not gonna it's gonna be fucking brutal yeah and you should that's where you'll find your biggest center of meaning not like you know that like did you ever get into like the happiness science there's like scientists now trying to figure out teaches that class at Harvard.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's the most depressing shit to watch.

Speaker 1 Did you try to practice gratitude and journal for five minutes? That'll make you happy. It's like, dude, I'm going to kill myself.

Speaker 2 I agree 1,000%.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'll say this.

Speaker 2 Therapy helped me a lot in my life. I really did learn because I have depression and I really learned a lot of coping skills.
Like, I do work out for my brain. I meditate.

Speaker 2 I do try to have gratitude. That does help a lot.
I don't sit down and journal about it, but I try to stop when I, you know, like with the special coming out.

Speaker 2 Like, I really did take a couple minutes today and take it in. Like, I almost cried.
I was like, this is really intense, you know?

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 no, I think that trying to be happy.

Speaker 1 No. Exactly.
And I'm not against it either. I like therapy.
I did the same thing. It's good to have an outside perspective.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't like the sanitized approach to where it's like, no, no, no, no, we can figure this out scientifically. It's like, dude, no, you can't.

Speaker 2 They tried to figure out comedy scientifically.

Speaker 2 I i was just reading this article in the new yorker about it and it was a british institute so right out of the gate like all right it's gonna be awful they had like 40 000 british people submit and then vote on jokes to see what was the best joke and actually the best joke wasn't bad it was um

Speaker 2 guy goes to the doctor's office doctor checks me he goes it's not good He goes, well, how bad is it? He goes,

Speaker 2 you don't have a lot of time left. And the guy goes, well, how much time do I have? And the doctor goes, 10.

Speaker 2 And the guy goes, 10 months, 10 weeks. And the doctor goes, 10,

Speaker 2 9,

Speaker 1 8.

Speaker 1 That's not bad. So that was the best one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was the best one.

Speaker 2 Are they just street jokes, basically?

Speaker 2 Street jokes, old jokes.

Speaker 2 Jokes from people's stand-up routines went in there.

Speaker 1 Damn. And that beat everyone's stand-up?

Speaker 2 Might have been my delivery.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I get the joke.

Speaker 2 I mean, you didn't get the Florence, Joe.

Speaker 1 I got

Speaker 1 a lot of faith in you. Dude, I was like, if I don't get this one, I'm fucking

Speaker 2 the number one joke of all time, and you don't get it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what were their findings, though, because they have to be like X, Y, what are the variables?

Speaker 2 Well, you know, they always break it down, and there's 12 different structures. You know, there's the reverse, there's the irony, there's the whatever.
And it's just like, it really, what do they say?

Speaker 2 The frog dies in the dissecting table or something like that. You know, you just can't pull it apart.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It doesn't make sense. And that's why AI

Speaker 2 is doing everything,

Speaker 2 dude. I mean, it's doing fucking heart surgery while the doctors stand there and watch, basically, at this point.

Speaker 1 Basically, are you worried about AI writing?

Speaker 2 No, but not comedy. I've yet to see AI write comedy that makes sense because there's something about it that's ephemeral.
There's something that is so cultural and so

Speaker 2 human. You know,

Speaker 2 it's poking at your humanity and what your sense of what's appropriate.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And that's moving. That's a moving target.
That's always, depending on the room, depending on who you're with.

Speaker 1 Dude, I totally agree. I don't know why people are freaking out about AI with writing.
I'm like, dude, if AI is

Speaker 1 taking out your writing, it's like you might have to be, you know, taken into the harvester. Cause it's like it's, I've done, I've tried to AI jokes to see what they were like, and they're so bad.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 2 the jokes are, I mean, I could see like a Marvel franchise movie getting written.

Speaker 1 You might as well, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then you can just tweak it and be like, oh, okay, this guy.

Speaker 2 You get two guys to tweak it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Red Spandex. All right.
There you go. Yeah.
But yeah, I think what'll happen is everything will be the same, basically.

Speaker 1 It'll just put a bunch, which a lot of popular stuff is very similar anyway.

Speaker 1 So it'll be like shitty, popular, like, or like, you know, sitcomie time slot TV will just be like A just produced by AI.

Speaker 1 But I think if you're actually writing, you know, stuff, I think it's pretty easy to beat AI.

Speaker 2 I mean, having kids and you'll deal with it.

Speaker 1 How old are your kids now?

Speaker 2 Two and four. Two and four.
I mean, my kids are 20 and 23, 21 and 23.

Speaker 2 And, you know, they're going into the workforce and they're having a really hard time looking at the you send your resume into the abyss. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, you get on these job sites and you send in hundreds of resumes. You get, they don't even reply.
If you get like a couple people replying, so the only way to get a job is by knowing somebody.

Speaker 2 And unfortunately, it's me. So I got like four contacts in the entertainment business.
And so you have to chart your own path and you have to do something like what you're doing. You know, you have to

Speaker 2 start your own business, essentially. And I keep thinking like, you know, like my daughter is actually interning at the podcast studio that I work at.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's, they, I heard they're, I don't know if it's the same one, but but there's one from LA that's coming here and opening up to no, mine is just mine. Oh, your podcast.
Yeah, I got research.

Speaker 1 I thought you were like the but she's learning the skills.

Speaker 2 She's learning about

Speaker 2 all the stuff that this gentleman right here is doing.

Speaker 1 You know, dude, it's yeah, my little cousin just got

Speaker 1 he submitted like 50 resumes. He submitted like a like 50 applications.
It's like crazy. It's brutal.

Speaker 2 It's brutal. And the thing is, unemployment's like less than 4%, but it's like, yeah, they're all shit jobs.
They're all waiting tables.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 There's not a lot of.

Speaker 1 I mean, mean i had a guy i had a friend who was a copywriter in an ad agency and it was 15 it was a big agency had 15 copywriters ai came in they got three now yeah that that you could do all day long i had a i knew i knew of somebody who was doing uh articles for like an online like a blog thing and he they didn't really get hip to the ai thing it was like a couple years ago he said he would just show up hit like a couple prompts give them they would feed him like four 750 word articles he would just tweak them and be like you just hold them like all right here you go just kind of scatter them throughout the week.

Speaker 1 And he's like, dude, I just chilled. Yeah.
It's like, my wood work for 15 minutes a week.

Speaker 2 Do you think about college students? Do you think any of them are writing an essay ever again?

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 There's no way you could. Yeah.
Yeah, I've heard that's actually even like I was, I remember I had a thing that could do bibliographies, which were always annoying as fuck.

Speaker 1 But I'm reading a program that could do those. Yeah, now you can just completely AI a paper.

Speaker 2 And it's not just, I don't know,

Speaker 2 it's not just about being able to, you know, formulate a thesis and support it and have transitions and it concludes. It's not all that.
It's about it's fucking

Speaker 2 nine o'clock

Speaker 2 on a Sunday night and it's due tomorrow and your friends are going to the bar and you're like, you know, I can kind of mail this in, but there's that part of you that has to dig in and face it and push through it and finish.

Speaker 2 Like that's the thing that they're missing now in life is they don't have that drive.

Speaker 2 Like I see with my kids, like my son is like, he's a smart kid, he's charming as hell, but he's gone through an education system that hasn't forced him to like really like handle his business.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's just he's smart enough that it was just easy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, I can't stand the school system because it's like trying to like memorize information is worthless. Yep.

Speaker 1 Like completing just rote tasks of like, it should really be like, we have the ability now to like hone in on a person and be like, what are your inherent talents and interests? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then really try to amplify those, you know, at least a little bit to where it's not like, like, I went to school for business. I didn't give a fuck about business.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's just like, you know, in Catholic schools, just like memorized the capitals. And it was just, it was a complete waste of time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But there is a thing to it: can you sit in a classroom and not completely disrupt it? Exactly. You do learn that.
You learn the social skills and all that shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you learn deadlines and you learn

Speaker 2 basic things.

Speaker 1 Attendance. And there's consequences.
Like, if you fuck up, it's like, dude, this is happening now. So I get that.
That is all good. But why do you think they lack the

Speaker 1 spunk to get out there and take stuff on?

Speaker 2 I think part of it is they're coming into a world of despair. You know, you've got, you just saw a worldwide pandemic.
You just saw the

Speaker 2 environmental stuff in the news. You see the partisanship in this country and the forecasting of the overthrow of democracy.

Speaker 1 Like, it's a lot. These kids are fresh school shootings.

Speaker 2 True. And then on top of that, I'm leaving out number one, which is the fact that they've got a device in their hand that is dripping

Speaker 2 endorphins like little

Speaker 2 like constant

Speaker 1 you know like a it's a fulfillment that's empty but they're addicted to it yeah and it's also it gives you socially it gives kids a like genuine like a quantitative number in terms of how popular before it was kind of like an abstract idea like am i cool now it's like here's your numbers no like

Speaker 1 you're not and that's got to be up man especially if you're like a young girl and you're like oh god girls are so much harder do the data is on photos.

Speaker 1 You get like the spreadsheet on like photos and you're like, yeah, hers is better than mine.

Speaker 1 Like, there's numbers to back it up. And it's like,

Speaker 2 you had to only imagine that when you were young. And now they can see it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That's brutal. It's fucking brutal.

Speaker 2 Now, when it does hit girl, I mean, I have a son and a daughter, and I saw it hit my daughter way harder than my son. You know?

Speaker 1 It's got to be heart-wrenching.

Speaker 2 It is heart-wrenching, and there's nothing you can do about it. You know, you can, because kids at a certain point, like, you can tell them you love them all you want.
They don't hear it.

Speaker 2 They want to to hear it from their friends and their peers.

Speaker 1 Do you ever think about setting up like a fake Instagram and going under her pictures and be like, no, you're actually a piece of shit. Fuck you.
Nobody likes you.

Speaker 2 I thought you were going to say, tell them that you love them.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like if they're in the comments getting shitted on, it's like, you're actually a piece of shit.
I saw your profile.

Speaker 1 You're a fucking loser, dude.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah, you could do it.
Well, no, that would be weird if you catfished your daughter, your kids and be like, I love you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would be weird.

Speaker 1 Because you'd have to, yeah, you'd have to. That's a good script.
That's a good first act of a script right there i love that

Speaker 2 and then the daughter thinks that the father is like a perv and yeah they get dark with it you could go very yeah are you writing on that uh on tires no i'm not writing on there dude that shows so fucking good very good i'm excited for season two i mean what do they spend eight bucks an episode it's so simple they're just in a garage they filmed the first season i think in like 14 days really yeah they filmed it really fast it just goes to show it's it's like all in the family or something like you don't need it's just a play.

Speaker 1 You don't need so much stuff, yeah. It's a fucking play.
Yeah, they did it. I mean, they're, they're very, uh, they're very good at that.
I don't know how you do it.

Speaker 1 That's too many people, man, to organize that many people, but they did it. Like, they were, I, I was there on the set, and it's like, it's just, it's like 75 fucking people.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every second there, it's like eight people on laptops just sitting there doing God knows what. And it's like,

Speaker 1 it's a, uh, that is for real. Like,

Speaker 1 I was blown away. I knew it would be good.
And I watched it. I'm like, dude, this is fantastic.
And it moves really quick. It's very fluid and easy to watch.
But I'm excited for season two.

Speaker 2 Was it the same crew that would make the videos that you did?

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
It was all, it was, yeah, Shane and John McKeever. So it was already like a movie.
Steve Gurbin and Chris O'Connor. Right, right.

Speaker 1 It was already, they had the thing that could get going, and they just shifted it to a pilot. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I think that's going to be the new business model. I mean, Always Sunny actually started like that.
Yeah. They did like a

Speaker 2 dressed down version of it on the internet and then it got picked up as a show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you just need like, there is a weird, because with filming, even animation, you kind of, if you want to really do it, you do need like a million dollars,

Speaker 1 I think, at least.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, an episode?

Speaker 1 No, for like to do the whole thing. If you want to do it super low budget, it's still a lot of money.

Speaker 1 So it's still tough, but it can be done.

Speaker 2 Dude, I've written on shows that were, I wrote on Crashing, it was like a million and a half dollars an episode.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 God damn.

Speaker 1 How do they even make the money back for that?

Speaker 2 I mean, HBO spent. HBO wants their shows to look good.
Yeah. You know, they want them shot on film.
Like we shot on film, which is way more expensive. Did you really?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Does that make a big difference?

Speaker 2 Well, it was Judd Appetow, and he just always felt like

Speaker 2 there was like an emotion that you get with the softness of the color, the richness of the color.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he also kind of liked directing with film because it's not infinite. Like, it's like we can get three takes in before we got to change reels on that camera.
That's really nice, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was something, but and then, you know, and so I don't know. There's something about the rhythm of shooting on film that really works.
And it does look different. It feels different.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you got to physically edit it, don't you? You have to cut it.

Speaker 2 No, I think they just

Speaker 1 uploaded it all to a computer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. They make it digital.
They edit it, and then they put it back on. I think

Speaker 2 Trent's just name back again.

Speaker 1 That's what I was surprised. I'm like, damn, they're like chopping fucking filming it.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Dude. Yeah.
Did you act at all? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Weren't you in Louis Show? Yeah. Okay.
How do you like acting?

Speaker 2 Well, I went to acting school for two years at the Neighborhood playhouse, which is where Brando and James Dean like.

Speaker 1 So after you're a gymnast, you were.

Speaker 2 After I was a gymnast, I went into acting school.

Speaker 1 All my friends are gay. This is crazy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How old were you when you were a shirt with birds on it? Your dick's out the whole thing.

Speaker 2 I finished college. I went to college in Boston.
Okay. And then

Speaker 2 I started doing stand-up there. Right.
And then my dad died, so I moved back to New York and I went to acting school for two years because my family's all back in New York. Okay.
And

Speaker 2 I did stand-up at night while I went to acting school. And then I was like, all right, I'm going to go to L.A.
and get some acting work. And it didn't really happen.

Speaker 2 I had a good agent and I went out for a lot of auditions. Shitty auditioner.
Like, I truly believe I'm a good actor. Like, anytime I get acting roles,

Speaker 2 I feel really comfortable and I get really good feedback, but I'm not good at going into the room. Yeah.
I don't know what it is. It's just.

Speaker 1 I feel like if you're doing stand-up, it almost sets your brain up to be able to not do that. Maybe.
In some way.

Speaker 1 Because if you can just sit in an empty room with two people and be like, whoa, it's like the because I could stand up, you're reading so intensely. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I think it'd be hard to do.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it was. I mean, some

Speaker 2 comics can do it, but a lot of comics can't because I think we're so in control when we do our own words and we have to do somebody else's words. It's they're always adjusting you.

Speaker 2 And a lot of times we can't take the adjustments.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that makes sense. It's just awkward, too, to sit there and like read a thing and be like, I don't know.
But every time I've tried acting things, I get like,

Speaker 1 it's like excruciating. Yeah.
Because you don't get feedback. I mean, you will, if you do really well, people will laugh and clap.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, there's no feedback. Then you're like, oh, actually, there is.
I'm not getting it. But it's like, it's one of those things where it's like, they're like, all right, cool.
And you're like,

Speaker 1 that's it. Yeah.
Can we do it again? No, we got to move on. You're like, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's very cool.
I remember once I had an audition and I was really psyched about it. It was a role that I was like, all right, this is me.
This guy's dry, sarcastic.

Speaker 2 And so I go in and I do the audition and it was almost like I wanted so much that I fucked up yeah I get in the car and I'm driving and I'm punching the steering wheel I'm like because I also I live in Venice I'm driving out the fucking burbank at rush hour yeah and I'm like fuck and I hired a I used to hire an acting coach before auditions big ones I thought about doing that myself yeah and so I'm punching the wheel And I go, no, fuck this.

Speaker 2 And I turn the car around, I drive back and I wait for the casting director.

Speaker 2 and the door opens, and I walk into the room, and they're sitting there, and I go, hey, listen, I know this is crazy, but I really, I know I can do this a lot better. And they were like, we're good.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 and then I drove home feeling. That's going to tell us the ultimate Hollywood vengeance story.

Speaker 1 And they were like, yeah, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 It was that bad. This is my moment.
And they were like, yeah, actually, no. It wasn't even in the ballpark.

Speaker 1 Oh, they wouldn't even respect the fucking comeback and being like, guys, I know this is my, I am this character.

Speaker 2 But then when I get roles, like, you know, I was on Lucky Louie a few times, I was on Crashing a few times. I did Santa Clarita Diet.

Speaker 2 I just did a movie with Doug Stanhope last year called The Road Dog that he's amazing in.

Speaker 1 He can act.

Speaker 2 He won a couple awards at some film festivals.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's kind of sick.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I know. So, but that, I think that role was really written for him.
I think the key is if you can write a role for an actor the right way, then they can really shine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if it's not too much of a stretch. Yeah.
That makes sense. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, i tried student films i like tried to get into acting like years ago i was like this might be i might be good at it i don't know yeah i did student films and they're like the worst fucking scripts uh-huh so you show i'm not like shitting on them they just were like i was playing like this criminal guy and like i'm like arguing with like my prostitutey kind of girlfriend lady and being like yo i remember the one line was like give me my space like i was like dude he would never say that i'm like a drug dealing gun toting my like maniac being like yeah i'd like to set my boundaries right now but then you're like hey and they're like don't adjust the script and i'm like like, bro, this is going to stink.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You do it.
You're like, just please delete this forever. Give me my space or I'm going to light you on fire.

Speaker 1 Give me my space, babe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that is tough, man. Yeah.
So, you know, I'll let you out. What time?

Speaker 1 What's your time frame?

Speaker 2 I got a flight.

Speaker 2 What time of my flight is this?

Speaker 1 Flight today?

Speaker 2 Yeah, at six.

Speaker 2 I'm going to Denver tonight. Oh, nice.
Doing the Denver Comedy Works this weekend. When does this come out?

Speaker 1 This is the fucking best. Tomorrow.

Speaker 2 Put it out tomorrow. Denver Comedy.
Can I plug some dates?

Speaker 1 Plug them, please.

Speaker 2 Dude, I got Denver Comedy Works, and then I'm going to Tacoma and Tulsa, Chicago, San Francisco, a bunch of other dates. FitzDog.com is the website, and then I've got a podcast called FitzDog Radio.

Speaker 2 It's awesome. Sunday Papers is the other one.

Speaker 1 That's such a good fucking name, dude. I saw that.
I was like, fuck it.

Speaker 2 Which one? FitzDog Radio.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. So good, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, 14 years I've been doing that.

Speaker 1 Did you really? Yeah, 14 years. God damn it.
Damn, it's in your blood.

Speaker 2 Jesus. I asked Shane to do it one time.
We were at the Hollywood Improv, and I was like, hey, man. And like, we didn't know each other that well, but like, you know, we kind of knew of each other.

Speaker 2 And I was like, hey, you're in town. I go,

Speaker 2 I was like, hey, you want to do my podcast?

Speaker 1 And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 But his voice went up a couple octaves. So like the next day I texted him, I was like, hey, you don't have to do it.
And he's like, oh, good.

Speaker 1 He goes, no, I don't want to do it.

Speaker 2 It's such a big ask, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like podcasting. Some people don't like it.
Some people are like, they genuinely dislike podcasting. Yeah.
I enjoy it. I kind of love it.

Speaker 1 That's why, for me, it's like I like stand-up, but like not having to go anywhere is like so sweet.

Speaker 2 Like, even like, I'm flying to Denver tonight because my show isn't until tomorrow night, but I have the morning radio lined up for me. Some comics complain about doing morning radio.

Speaker 2 I fucking love it. I like going in and talking to the local DJs.

Speaker 1 Well, what happened too was Louie had that bit in the show where the guys were like,

Speaker 1 and it, like, I think it got every single comic. I was like, yeah, I fucking hate morning radio too.
Because I did the same thing that I did it.

Speaker 2 I'm like, that's really fun. Well, the good clubs know not to send you into those shows.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, that's old school where they would come in and, you know, it'd be the commercial break and they'd be like, all right, give us three topics he can bring up.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm going to do my act at 7 a.m.

Speaker 1 on AM radio. No, I've only, I haven't had much experience with it.
I did it last time I was, I don't know where I was, but I did the more, I was in Orlando. Yeah.
Do I had a blast?

Speaker 1 I went around all day to like two different places and I had for real. I had like a good time.

Speaker 2 Well, dude, you know, my favorite morning radio guys are Preston and Steve and Philly. Really? Those guys are amazing.

Speaker 1 I got beef with Preston, dude. No, yeah, I mean, it's not a real thing.
It was just he was he was dating our girls' volleyball coach when we were in grade school. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 So, we were all at, I was at his house basically, like, with the girls' volleyball team, my friends, and he was like, You guys got to roll. And I was like, Fuck this guy.
I still hold that down.

Speaker 1 And we stole all of his candy from his house. We took, like, how old were you? I was in like eighth grade, seventh grade.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's an Irish grudge right there.

Speaker 2 Now I know you're Irish.

Speaker 1 No, I don't, I don't, I don't genuinely have hard feelings, but for years I'd always be like, fuck that guy. Kick me out of his house.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bullshit. But no, he's apparently a fine guy.

Speaker 2 Those guys, one time they brought me in, and

Speaker 2 I had mentioned, one time they were like, we were talking about foot fetishes, and I was like, I like feet. Like, I'm not a foot fetish guy, but like, I like a nice pair of feet.
True.

Speaker 2 You know, girl in some flip-flops, and she's got some nice, like, the rounded toes. Not like, there's not like that

Speaker 2 second one sticking out long.

Speaker 1 That's the Celtic feet, by the way. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The pinky with like the no nail. It's got like a slit.
It's like, she's trying to paint it.

Speaker 1 It's like, come on.

Speaker 2 And so I met. So we're talking about that.
And so the next time I came in, they said, we know you like feet. So we brought in this

Speaker 2 Filipino masseuse. She's going to walk on your back barefoot.
And I'm like, and so I'm, so I turn around and she walks in.

Speaker 2 She's about a buck 80.

Speaker 2 And she takes her shoes off and she's walking on my back.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I'm like, god damn it and then they're laughing their asses off and they go dude she's not a masseuse she works downstairs at the coffee shop

Speaker 1 damn I didn't know they were going that wild on that show that's hilarious yeah yeah they used to do stunts like god damn it actually did it feel all right though no it was awful

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 2 and then john dibello i always love in philly too yeah he's a good dude

Speaker 1 Remember John DeBella, and then there was Pierre Robert who was the big rock guy. Right, right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 My father was in radio, and he started in, well, first Youngstown, Ohio, and then he was in Philly.

Speaker 1 Damn, Bone Thugs is from Youngstown, Ohio. That's crazy.
Oh, yeah. Bone Thugs and Army, yeah.
Yeah, I wonder if you're in the middle of radio. He was in radio in Philly? Yeah.
Nice.

Speaker 2 I mean, I was little. I don't remember.
I was only like seven.

Speaker 1 That's pretty cool. Yeah.
Well, hell yeah. Dude, thank you for coming and doing this, man.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, I can drive you too if you need a ride.

Speaker 2 No, no, I'm good. They got a limo coming to the hotel.
I did Rogan, and they treat you so fucking good.

Speaker 2 Everything is like limos and saying it like the best hotel in town. That's awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, his club does rule, man.

Speaker 1 That is a lot of fun.

Speaker 2 The mothership? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Being able to go there any night and it's sold out.
You're like, well, nice.

Speaker 2 I know. I'm headlining there in two weeks.
Oh, I forgot to mention that. I'm headlining there in two weeks and it's sold out.
I haven't

Speaker 2 tweeted about it.

Speaker 1 I haven't done anything.

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, sold it out again. God damn, dude.
I must be a fucking phenile. I know.

Speaker 2 And the crowds are jacked. They're so into it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and the comics are always a good hang. The green room is pretty legendary.

Speaker 1 That's pretty sick. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, thanks again for doing this. All right, my pleasure.

Speaker 1 All right. Special roles.

Speaker 2 That's really nice to hear. Thank you.
Appreciate it.

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