Ep 510 - G.O.U.T.E.D. (feat. Lil Stinkers)

The Wild Wild Wes.

Hey, we're here. Welcome to the motherfucking podcast.
John DelCalo, Michael Rainey, and James Matera. AKA the Little Stinkers.
What up, dog? Thank you for having us. Dude, thanks for coming and doing this, man.
Sorry to get all Walter Cronkite on you with my SIG, dude, but it's... It's a natural progression for you, brother.
It's a good look. Dude, I'm so happy I found these things, man.
They're a little like, I was telling you guys, they're low THC. It's like George Washington weed.
It's not just CBD. It's like a, it'd be like seven or five.
They might be five. It's like five, and then it's like 8% THC.
They're like little, it's my George Washington weed, man. You smoke it, you just think about the Constitution, nothing crazy.
You're like, yeah, dude, we should probably. You get just high enough to be like, is slavery bad? I think it might be kind of fucked up.
People are like, dude, what are you smoking, bro? Are you high? It's about time the tables have turned. Yeah, these are the anti-Newports.
Yeah, well, I'm a big... Some of the weed now is like 45%.
You have to smoke it like crack. Yeah, exactly.
It's like, I'm good on that. Yeah, now I'm going to be able to make eye contact with my family until Thanksgiving.
So you guys are in Austin for the week. Yeah, we're living it up.
Gout's already flaring back up. Oh, yeah.
Are you guys all gouted? He hasn't been yet. I am not.
Of all of us. It is funny.
It's like the online goated thing. It's like gouted.
So you're not gouted. Dude, no.
God's cruelest trick is that we got it and he didn't. Unbelievable.
I kind of resent you for this. Like if there was a gout pool amongst the three of us.
Yeah. I mean.
I'm seabiscuit of gout. So what, what, how does, isn't gout like a lactic acid build up in your toe? It's uric acid.
Uric acid. That's what it was.
It crystallizes and typically goes to the lowest extremity he had it in his ankle i had in my penis first because that you had gout in your penis yes did you get any gain did you get gains at all no so we did it hurt all the time or just we got hard no it was nuts man well no i didn't have it in my dick but i uh initially like i thought i'll believe anything right initially like i had it oh you're saying lowest parted body jesus christ bro maybe i gotta put the fucking george washington way down dude i'm a bad boy we had we had fucking barbecue two days in a row man oh yeah so when the gout starts popping up yeah man it's just like what do you get you get a little feeling you go no dude i, John jokes about like it's when God breaks your foot in the middle of the night.

But it did feel like that because the day before, I thought I was running suicides on the basketball court with my son.

And it was hot as shit. So I was like, it has to be related to this.

Whereas it was related to the hoagies that I've eaten every day for the past 90 days.

So how many days do you have to like de-gout yourself?

Be good and gouted up.

I was gout heavy the end of June up until about two weeks ago.

It lasted a while.

That's a crazy length of time.

Yeah.

I had it at Disney too, which was.

Yeah.

Dude, that was my Jordan flu game going to Disney with fucking full on gout.

It's like an STD.

You probably weren't alone.

Right?

Yeah, I gave it to my wife.

It's like the Jeep wave of Disney World. You just wiggle your tootsies.
Waving from the rascal scooters. Do you think it's an STD kind of thing? Yeah, once you get it, you can't undo it, right? I mean, there's not a cure.
If it happens to you, it's likely to happen again. I guess it's like shingles to chicken pox.
Like it's in your body. Okay.
You got to fly straight forever. What's in your body though? Just the uric acid.
The acid is up. The crystals.
And it takes forever. Well, in some people, it goes away within a couple of days.
But with other people who just continuously eat like they're fucking kids with dead parents, it will persist, man. The tiny gout trolls in your body.
Yeah. How do you turn? turn what if you just didn't eat for two days would it go away or you gotta you gotta flush it out uh i eat cherries by the pound um yeah cherries is a treatment cherry juice uh it's a gout awareness podcast yeah i want to know thank you to all the boys in the gout subreddit for fucking saving the day because as soon as i got it like i went i had to go to urgent care because I don't have fucking insurance.
Yeah. And I went there.
The lady's like, I think you got gout. She's like, yeah, just take.
It was an anti-inflammatory. Take this and you'll be fine and drink water.
And I was like, all right, cool. And I just wasn't getting better.
And I was getting closer and closer to Disney. So I was like, oh, come on.
Please help me out, baby. Please.
I need something here. And, yeah, I went on the gout subreddit and they were more helpful than anybody else because people there were recommending what kinds of other treatments like there's a gout medication you could take which I didn't end up taking but I might resort to that if I get another flare up.
You don't just knock it right out. You guys should try a muzzle so that you stop eating so much.
Most people get it from drinking a lot. Says the fattest person.
And he doesn't drink so that must mean his fucking shitty food intake is worse than mine what's a day run me through a day what's a day like now i will say this because i remember you said a while back if if every meal that you taste good every meal that you eat tastes good you're gonna die so i do the opposite of that dude yeah everything i dude, I eat like every meal is a Roman orgy.

Like today I treated myself, well, I treat myself every meal,

but I treated myself to a bagel with extra sharp cheese with fried eggs

and a little bit of leftover sausage from Terry Black's.

It's pretty good.

So that's my starter, and I'm sure we're going to get Mexican at some point today.

And then at nighttime I got these Mickey Mouse schoolfish crackers that I've really been snacking on. So what's setting off the G, though? Is it the meat? I never got a clear answer.
More than anything. In my case, I live down the street from a Primo's Hoagies, and that's one of my favorite Hoagies.
And I'll eat one of those four to five times a week. That's a lot of processed meat.
Jesus Christ. Primo's four times a week? I know, man.
Yeah, dude. I mean, you know, everywhere in Delco, everything is on the thickest bread.
Like, you can't get away from it. Everything is so bad.
Yeah, it is like the worst food on the planet, I think. Dude, it's outside of Philadelphia.
Suburbs outside of Philadelphia has probably the most unhealthy food. Yeah, it's dangerous.
Have you heard California explain to people like Friday pizza night. They're like, what are you talking about?

They don't understand.

That's insane.

Yeah.

People are like,

would you eat pizza every Friday night?

Like that's fucking crazy.

That's like,

it's pizza night,

dude.

I have to.

Yeah.

It's custom.

When I lived in California,

I lost 50 pounds

and I wasn't even

trying to lose weight.

It was just,

there was no bread.

Yeah.

So it was just like,

you know,

fucking,

I'd have like peanut butter

and jellies from time to time. But like, besides that, like anything we get on the east coast we're so spoiled that's where i gained weight did you really i was following food trucks until they parked i was i had a problem i was like getting there before the guy yeah do food trucks have their own like mr softy theme for each one no i'm just listening to the mr softy theme in my car pulling up you gained weight in california that's interesting yeah i was skinny uh weren't you depressed yeah did not i got a vitamin d deficiency in the sunniest state in the fucking country how is that possible and never went outside i stopped going outside unless it was unless i saw a food truck what did you do on my app uh smoked weed and then drove past an open mic but was too high to get out of the car and actually sign up now i've always wondered this about you because you went to california you went to hollywood and uh was there ever any time where you considered making me living as an eye pervert because you have the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen in podcasting man no one ever approached me about it that's not we have a halloween decoration and i swear to god it's supposed to be a peeping tom like someone like looking into your eyes and i'll show you when i go to my house it's bears resemblance yeah yeah it's got such a creepy christmas ornament no no it's halloween okay for halloween can i say christmas yeah probably not i might have said christmas either way george washington's got me i swear to god it looks i'll show it when we go home you'll see it's it's like yeah he's crossing the devil i didn't think about it till till now i was like holy shit it's a wait a second you look like the guy who looks into my window i'm just a decoration every time i walk by i'm like i'm gonna do it when i get to your house i'm gonna look in the window it's looking into your own house yeah it's a thing looking into your own house and you walk by, I'm like, I'm going to do it when I get to your house.
I'm going to look in the window. It's looking into your own house?

Yeah, it's a thing

looking into your own house

and you walk by

and you're like,

fuck,

that stupid fucking decoration.

Yeah, but you want it to look.

Yes, you're right.

Maybe it is.

People are looking

at the suction cup

on the window

as they walk by.

It should be for other people, shouldn't it?

Your blood pressure is going to plummet now.

Turn this fucking thing around.

So, dude, you guys are here.

Are you studying the Rainy Street Ripper

or what's going on? We're going to do some research

on them. You're sitting next to them, brother.

Dude, it's so cool that we do a true crime

podcast. And it's not Fat Girl true crime.

It's fun true crime.

It is kind of exhilarating that we go to a

place where they have a ripper named after

me. I know.

Thank you. crime podcast and it's not fat girl true crime it's fun true crime um it is kind of exhilarating that we go to a place where they have a ripper named after me i know it's like man what an honor yeah it's like uh it's like anthony bourdain getting a dish named after him true yeah well somebody had a theory we talked to yesterday he said it's just people falling into the river is that right yeah just like drunk college kids yeah Yeah.
I know nothing about this kid. Like, Manny Young style,

falling into the school. Yeah, but apparently there's never been...
But 13 in two years seems like a lot of

fucking drunk frat guys to fall into the river. I think it's up to like

20 now, though. Damn.
Whoa. Yeah.

My only theory is maybe it was the ket. Maybe

dudes are hitting ketamine, just being like,

I gotta find water. I'm so thirsty.

Yeah, true. They're not really getting up.
I'm gonna drink

the whole lake. I'm gonna go paddleboard.

I'm gonna paddleboard out of this K-hole.

Yeah, you're right.

It's not the cat.

There goes that theory.

And it's a lot of, they say it's a lot of gay guys.

Yeah.

Even though there's not a few women.

Women who are gay men.

Women can be pretty gay.

Yeah, women can be pretty gay sometimes.

Women can be gay men.

They can be anything these days.

That might be like the ideal afterlife is haunting a lake with a bunch of other gay dudes. True.
What is he wearing? Nobody's coming out of the river with like a bullet in their head, right? Like it's all... Are they choked? Any of them? I don't know the details.
Goed around the neck? Very strange. Yeah, I don't know the deets, but I don't know.
Apparently, though, the number of people who have been found in this river, if I'm correct, have spiked. It's usually not this much.
Am I right about that, Josh? Yeah. Four bodies recovered so far.
I don't think that's a lot. I thought it was like 20 people.
Over like a decade. Oh, what? This is not a fucking murder.
These are dumbasses. People are just running away with the theory.
Yeah, I thought this was 20 in one year. Yeah, it's just gay dudes with paid balance.
True. This is true.
I mean, it's fucking hot as the goddamn sun here. Maybe they're just trying to cool off.
And then they realize once they're in too deep that they don't know how to swim. Yeah.
That's classic. This was like a classic way of suicide in the 30s.
You would just jump in the river. If you wanted to kill yourself in the 1930s, you would just be like...
Before people learn how to swim? Yeah. You just toss yourself in the river.
Hitler had a crush on a girl when he was a teenage boy and that's how he wanted to commit suicide together is by jumping off a bridge into the river together. He was making like suicide romance packs? Dude, he would chill with his boy.
They would walk around and he would read poetry to his boy. And then eventually a lady caught his eye and he's like, I'm in love and I can never talk to her.
And then eventually he's like, he just bringing her up constantly to his buddy who wrote a book about him. And he's like, yo, I want to commit suicide with her by jumping off of a bridge into the water.
Damn. He really was an artist was truly an artist it is crazy for that guy he would have been like a regular nerd i feel like if hitler was alive today he would have been like a normal nerd it's crazy for that to just jonathan honey oh man come on man yeah lamere manga dogali yeah dude i mean now this is this is nothing and people bring this up to me i'm like Dude, enough about that.
Thereanga Dugali. Yeah, dude.

I mean, now this is nothing.

People bring this up to me.

I'm like, dude, enough about this.

There's no fucking murderer.

This is five, 20 people.

This has been in two years, I suppose.

22, 23, 24.

Although, dude, I don't know, man.

That's a great amount of people in two years.

It's crazy that this is still open.

But like the one guy jumped off the balcony at the Orlando airport that we talked about and they closed the balconies at the entire airport. My favorite airport and my favorite hotel, the Hyatt, in the fucking Orlando airport, they closed it off because a couple years ago, TSA agent finished his shift then checked into the hotel then jumped off the balcony onto the people waiting to go through security.
TSA. Yeah.
A bit of an artist himself as well. There's a sort of like romance to that.
Like just wanting to just destroy a line as a TSA agent being like, fuck these people. I'm going to just land on five of them.
Yeah, I agree with you, but I would be more on board with him if he did it at the start of a shift. Like why would you do it when you just finished? I don't know.
Do you think on the way down something caught his eye and he's like, man, laptop out. Shoots out of the bin.
He was yelling and he, God, this is already stupid. I forgot to clock out.
Splat. Yeah.
I mean, I think it's considered he did it at the end because if he did it at the beginning of the shift then they would be down. There There'd be even longer line to get through TSA.
At least, yeah. I don't know.
You seem like a real loser. It's like, you're done, man.
Go home. They would have been like, we need another guy to come here and frown next to a machine now.
Get over here. I need somebody else to backhand kids' balls.
It's just like a Rudy swan diving out at the fucking hotel. That's got to be tantalizing, though.
When you're on the ledge debating whether or not to jump into the airport vestibule and there's a kid in a minion costume, it's like, I could squish this minion. It's too fucking hard right now.
Moving target. Yeah, you'd have to angle it, too.
Be like, if I fall 9.8 meters per second squared. Yeah, you'd have to...
A beautiful mind. I know you fuck with velocity like that.
Oh, yeah, dude. That was the only thing I remember from physics.
9.8 meters per second squared. I think that's the speed of gravity.
You always been a velocity guy? It's the speed of gravity, actually. Jesus Christ.
I think 9.8 meters per second squared is, yeah, it's the amount things accelerate. That's what you peak at if you're dropping out of a plane.
Terminal velocity, right? Yeah, yeah, you're right. That's velocity.
I'm a velocity head, I guess. Was this college physics or high school physics? High school physics.
Damn, dude. Speed of gravity.
They certified velociraptor. Thank you, bro.
Yeah, you don't remember that from physics? The only thing I remember from physics class, the teacher was like, don't drive fast in the rain. You'll slip on the leaves.
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Rated M for Mature. That's all it was.
I learned that in the driver's head. At least that's useful.
Did your mom teach physics? Yeah, it sounds like it. This guy, Mr.
Hassan, fucking giant hair, man.

It's pretty awesome. Dude, our physics teacher in high school was like, he would sit down at the desk, not look up during a test, and literally everybody would pass around the smartest person's test.

We would all have the same answers and get the same grade.

That's awesome.

It was ruled.

Who was your driver's ed teacher?

Forget his name.

Shaw, maybe.

Okay, I was hoping you had the lady I had. We were both in school in Delaware.
I had this lady who was like doctor. She was a doctor of education.
She taught driver's ed. And she'd be like, I'm a doctor.
Jesus Christ. Fucking what? Yeah, a doctor of having a steering wheel on both sides of the fucking car.
Excuse me, I'm a doctor of education. I'll never call her.
I forget her last name. She wanted to call us doctor, blah, blah, blah.
Get the fuck out of here. What do you have, a P-H-R-O-A-D? The same person who taught me driver's head also taught my mother.
Really? I can't be spelling this early in the morning. I laughed before I understood it.
I was like, I'm just going to give on faith. And I'm like, oh yeah, hilarious.
I'm more of a visual learner, honestly. I had,.
You were Delaware because Delaware had that like long drawn out permit process. I'd been on the road.
Yeah, the graduated thing or whatever. I was from PA, so I was already on the road.
So this lady was in my face like, and I was like, take it easy. I don't even need you, bitch.
We were like driving like a married couple. I'd be like, all right, I'm good.
She'd be like, I am not retarded. I didn't say you were.
Jesus, can I drive? Although I'm a bit of a hawk when I'm passenger. I'm always kind of looking like, what are you? Two hawks.
Yeah. Do you hawk him? Dude, it's brutal.
Even the other night, we just got to fucking Austin and it's so nice out. I'm just trying to enjoy.
I'm enjoying traffic because Texas is cool. Nobody enjoys traffic.
Dude, he was like, I'm vibing. We were in the right lane.
We had four more stoplights to go through. And I'm like, you know, you can zoom past all this.
He's like, I'm vibing. And he had the biggest shit-eating grin on his fucking face, knowing that he was making me boil.
Next to us, he says, boom, boom. And we're going straight.
It was funny, dude. Yeah, he was doing great.
But he was vibing, though. Yeah.
He's the worst driver I've ever seen in my life. Well, suck my dick while you're at it.
Why? Is it just like, do you want more aggression out of him, or do you want more? Less aggression. What? So then he vibed in traffic.
Big time brake slammer. It was bound to come out at some point.
Let's wait until we get on Matt and Shane. Our 5,000 patron goal is going to be for him to retake driver's ed.
I haven't told him yet until now. I thought we reached a break, but when we were in Chicago, we went to – what's the big park there that everybody goes to oh millennium yeah millennium park we went there and uh i drove the whole weekend by the way but i parked in the underground parking garage this is a thanks you get too dude matt i parked next to a car there were a ton of open spaces i'll give him that but i parked next to a car the only only car.
The only other car. That's an understatement, Mike.

It was an empty parking lot.

It was an empty garage.

No, no! God!

I'll say this. Driver gets

to pick the parking spot. I thought it was funny.

Driver picks parking spot. My wife does that to me.

There's a spot here. And I'm like, I'm definitely

not parking there now that you brought that up.

We're walking a mile.

We're walking a mile now. He parked so close to the only other car in the parking lot that it couldn't even open my door all the way.
It was so funny. Josh, when you do the show notes, can you put down both their first names as Judas? I think it's a great bit.
I thought it was a very funny thing. It could have been like there's another car.
It's like you want to form the fucking block. I don't even want to try to get into his mind space.
Did you protest parking so close to the only other car in the parking garage? Yes. Oh, yeah.
What was your logic there? Did you say shut up? I just liked it. That was the spot.
Do you know how when you pull into a parking lot, there are spots that call to you? It's like, all right, I like this. I like the car next to me.
We're going to be able to get out, and then we're going to be able to go to the park together. Right.
I didn't think it was an issue. And the strength in numbers.
If there's a thief amongst the lot, that driver could come back and be like, hey, get out of this. My fellow car owner.
And I was also thinking strength in numbers in regards to a car's Disney Pixar car's aspect, where if there was any car beef, ours could team up with the car next to them. Yeah, we have a little alliance.
This got exactly the mind space I did not want to get into. So why do you always drive? Why are you the wheel man? Because they like to party.
And I'm a good friend. He's a great friend.
He's a great friend. He's yelling at you the whole time.
I never really. I'm fine with driving before I drink.
John's vocal about be vocal about it i'll be quiet and then i'll get along with john like i know right that was fucking great shit fucker man what i appreciate you so much dude it's great yeah i bet you do sounds like it the own can man damn that's fucked thank you you're nice and relaxed yeah i'm vibing man pulling into traffic and vibing is a sweet move it was so not it's it was the only time we faced traffic when we were here but still it wasn't bad it's just yeah we're on the bridge the sun's setting yeah it was we were talking about the skyline being how beautiful it is here in austin the bats were under us yeah yep yeah it was a good place to be in traffic but still still, no one wants to be. Good place to vibe.

Yeah, true.

Traffic is everyone's number one enemy.

Yeah, my wife does that.

She'll do that to me, though.

She's like, you can pass this car.

And I'm like, I know.

I've totally been zoning out for 20 minutes.

I'm like, I know I can.

All right?

Don't worry about what I'm doing.

You just sit there.

I'll seriously wait three minutes and be like, I'm going to move over here now.

This is my deficiency.

When I'm like told what to do like that, I just fucking freak.

Going the opposite way.

And that's what the case was when I said we could not be in traffic.

That just made you smile and be like, we're going to be in traffic even more now.

Yes.

I hope this traffic never fucking ends.

I hope we fucking die in this car, man.

I'm the boss.

I am sorry, but I will not stop. I'm a bad backseat driver.
You weren't in the backseat. It's the same term.
It's something in me that I would like to fix. You're a bad friend.
It has nothing to do with backseat driving. Those dudes in the lake could just be getting maybe their babes are chirping while they're driving and they're like

Michael Douglas falling down and just fall right in the river

or canniballing him.

Fuck you babe!

Trying to land on like a rock. You don't know how to swim!

I know!

Yeah, you're drowning in the lake and your wife's like

babe, can I get the keys? Babe, babe, babe.

Oh fuck, I forgot

to give them to her shit.

That sucks when you fuck something up.

I do not like when I do that. If I like

Thank you. Can I get the keys? Babe, babe, babe.
Oh, fuck. I forgot to give them to her.
Shit. That sucks when you fuck something up.
I do not like when I do that. If I like fucks, like if I like leave the garage door open, I do it all the time.
I'll try to be like, dude, I like, I kind of like like just having like my garage door open. It's kind of chill.
I just forget. Yeah.
It's like, dude, someone could take in, take any stuff. And I'm like, yeah, but it's like kind of chill to have that thing open like that.
It cools the garage down. I get filled with dread.
As soon as I get something pointed out that I did that's like wrong, I'm like, oh, fuck. I spazz.
I don't know what it is. I hate it.
I get that way. I'm like, the fucking garage door malfunctions.
As long as you hit it, it comes back up. Dude, nothing makes me more aggravated than somebody being confidently wrong.
My wife is the most confidently wrong person I've ever met, i feel like you do that when you backseat drive when you passenger seat drive i'm confidently wrong right because i mean all we have to do we're here for seven days there's no rush to get anywhere and i just on top of chicago too it's just like every every parking space is an open canvas why not this one open canvas i think most people would agree that being still in a car when the car is not moving is the worst.

You're on vacation, man.

Yeah.

And you just had a bunch of beers.

Don't tell the IRS that.

I'm writing everything off.

You're on a working vacation.

You're scouting locations.

Yeah.

That is true.

Staying still in traffic is the worst.

Like I'll drive 10 miles out of the way. That's an internal issue.
You guys have an internal... I mean, I hate traffic too, but what's the fuss? I think he's perfect.
He's trying to raise my blood pressure. He's trying to kill me.
He's trying to flare my gout back up. I'll give you some of my blood pressure medicine to bring it back down.
It is such a funny thing, though, to be like you're sitting there, you see someone else move, and you just, blood pressure's like, I need to be moving. I need to be fucking.
I'm the same way. I spaz.
If I'm sitting there. Can't stop.
But if I'm driving and I'm not paying attention, and someone calls it out, I'm like, bro, you need to chill, dude. Taking the fucking vibes in the scene, dude.
It's a well-played move. Yeah.
It's much different if I had my wife and kids with me, and at that point, you know, at the end of a vacation day with your family you're you're full on you know yeah thomas crooks mode you know but with john and jake my buddies i'm just like look i don't care what happens we're having fun yeah that is the only time i have said anything this trip and that was day one i'm sorry and you've been you've been good you've been way better no i swear to god you are doing way better than I expected alright well you're talking about jamming brakes and stuff yeah yeah he's where's the brake jam dude I'm vibing and I'm jamming man do you space out when you drive yeah a little bit yeah so do I I'm having fun man his license plate is Margaritaville dude my brain's a Margaritaville, brother. Yeah, I space so hard while I drive.
This is your exit. I'm like, yeah, I know.
My four lanes over. I don't think I concentrate on anything more than I concentrate on driving.
Yeah, I wish I did. I'm tracking.
I'm seeing the moves. I'm playing chess the entire time.
I know where that car's going to go. You're playing connection.
You are not that good of a driver. I'm the same same way.
I'm very aggressive though, too. It's the only place I'm mean.
Really? But that's crazy. On the road.
Yeah, if you're four lanes over, you're doing the Jermaine Dupree to get off the fucking exit. Yep.
Switching four lanes? Yeah. I say that.
I say that in my head every time I switch four lanes. Yeah.
Yeah, I just don't want to admit that I'm not paying. My wife's like, you don't pay attention.
I'm like, yeah, I do. You're just fucking, you overpay attention.
And then I'll like. You overpay attention? I'm like, you're just fucking being weird about it.
Classic wife argument. You overpay attention.
Yeah. And then I'll just be like, yeah, I know.
Dude, I'm the worst with my wife in the car when she's driving. Ah, bro.
We'll be turning. We'll be.
She'll have the turn signal on to turn down our street. I'll be like, a left here like it's so bad yeah how controlling i am but wife driving is much different dude there are many times where you have to save them from themselves dude and you catch sometimes you catch them red-handed when it'll be like there's just a car five feet like yo like oh my god i didn't even see what the hell is it doing it's like it was stopped you were fucking have you ever been in the car when the woman will do your wife will do the thing where they don't let people merge in like at an intersection you're stuck at a long stoplight there's one cross street clearly they're waiting they're being polite they're not aggressive about it but then you just see them roll street and they're like, clearly they're waiting.
They're being polite and they're starting to inch out a little bit. They're not aggressive about it.
Yeah. Yeah.
But then you just see them just kind of like roll forward and not let them in. And you're stuck there at the passenger seat.
Like, I'm sorry, man. Yeah.
I've definitely probably been involved. One of those.
Yeah. What the fuck you doing? Let them in.
Yeah. Every lady's car should come equipped with like a driving wheel stick that you can control from the passengers.
Maybe a second stick to control the gas. Like a driver's head stick, too.
I told her I want to get a brake on the passenger side, dude. Just because I don't know what it is.
She accelerates. She'll see brake lights.
She's like, I'm not accelerating. I'm just not braking.
I'm like, I can feel my body moving faster than it was. I'm like, we're speeding up.
No, we're not. And it's like, dude.
God, yeah, that's a tough one. The lady's driving, man, is a tough one.
Dude, I think whoever. My lady's fine.
Who was the Will Smith doctor who studied CTE? I forget. Will Smith should also study lady brains when they're dead and done driving.
You got a good driver on your hands? Yeah. Well, you've been probably using her into shape the whole time like what the fuck are you doing no i will still yeah give you know pointers to my lady every once in a while yeah but yeah tips and tricks yeah that's maybe 1% of the time these days.
That's not bad. Drastically lowered because I've experienced the worst.
And once you experience the worst, you know, it ain't so bad. I've cooled out.
I used to be an aggressive driver. Now I'm very chill.
Everyone on the road is on my team. We're all trying to get to the same place.
We're not racing. But I can rage out I used to be an aggressive driver now I'm I'm very chill everyone on the road is on my team we're all trying to get to the same place we're not racing but I can rage I raged not too long ago what are you doing in the left lane over 80 or around 80 it is what it is bro I'm not I drive to Jersey for a long time and Jersey's Jersey heads are so spazzed out about PA plates not going fast enough in the left lane that i've been like fuck off guys so i actually i had like a beef with the whole state of new jersey there for a while while i lived there and it was just kind of like yeah i don't care fucking pass me if you want to pass me i don't go that slow i'm not gonna go like 50 right but if someone high beams me i'm like well now we're all going very slow for a very long time that happened to me i'll give a gentle yeah double flip on the high beams every once in a while if it's i get it but if there's space for me to just go around i'd do that i'm out yeah somebody did that the other day and i was close to the car in front of me and that car was close to the car in front of them and the guys non-stop over and over on my ass yeah and now i'm like this is war yeah now i try to box a man with a fucking truck try to murder him and his family to his house yeah i've chill my road rage was for real like really bad like i used to get like it's like the worst i've ever had was one time a guy did something he was just wasn't paying attention we're on like 95 so we're all moving pretty fast so everything's kind of heightened and he like came into my lane and i was wronged and i was like how dare you so i like sped up to just you know get get what was mine so i wanted eye contact and maybe a little apology so i pulled up a little handgun in your mouth your wife said i pulled up on him to get like visual confirmation like bro what the fuck was that and he gave the fuck was that? And he gave me, like, whatever.
I was like, fair enough. And I started to slowly, because he was, like, it was my lane.
It was a two-lane kind of thing. Or maybe I was in the middle.
He was in, like, the right lane. So I started, like, and there was just not a lot of, like, shoulder next to him.
So I started just matching his speed and slowly getting his lane. It wasn't until he was, like, oh.
And I was, like, satisfied. It was psycho.
It was real psychotic.

You're mad, Matt.

Yeah.

I mad mad at him.

It was, this was years and years and years ago.

And I was like, I remember pulling away being like, I think I had a kid in the car.

I was like, that was pretty bad.

Now, how forgiving would you be?

How forgiving are you if somebody does that shit?

But when you pull up to make eye contact, they're like, totally.

Yeah.

And when I wrong people on the road and they pull up I go dude that was totally my bad

I fucked up

I go that was my bad

I fucked up

I hang my asshole

out the window

take it

token of appreciation

I don't flash bird anymore

I don't give anybody

the finger

if I'm angry at somebody

for a second

I was like

alright fuck

I didn't know

you were ripping like that

I'm sorry

I'm having a stroke

where's my booster seat

my penis is too small

sit on a hemorrhoid pillow just get my dick out the window dude that one is one of the worst parts about having a little dick is you can't fucking wiggle it at them in traffic depends on the weather if you hit them with a t-ness that'd be like that's aggressive you got your wife holding the wheel Show your penis out of rage is actually way more. If I was like, Jesus Christ.
Having a little grape pop out of the sunroof. I will now, if somebody is driving like a dickhead and they're passing me and we've been engaged in a little bit of back and forth anger,

I'll give them like a thumbs up

or a thumbs down.

Thumbs down would devastate me.

It's way more hurtful than

a finger

and a thumbs up, the sarcastic.

Nice one, brother.

You're doing so good on the road.

Now, dude, if you had a road rage

incident where it was clear, it was popping off, you both pulled over, when you got out of the car, would you let your ponytail out? Yeah, I would take all my jewelry off. No, I would spear the person immediately.
You'd tie it up, start... Well, dude, my dad's convinced that dudes with ponytails are like badasses.
Because in the 70s, he's like, oh, that guy's got a ponytail. He'll stab you.
Yeah, I don't think I have that kind of ponytail vibe. Yeah, no one has it anymore.
I knew karate appropriated the ponytail. Yeah, they used to be karate-based.
Yeah. That makes sense.
No, I think karate was the start of those guys. And it's like at that time, they did have some cachet.
Whereas now, you got a bunch of these running around. And bikers.
I feel like bikers and karate guys. That was probably bikers that point.
Yeah, it was pulled back. And they have a fucking knife in their belt, for sure.
They will stab you. Do you carry a weapon? No, not anymore.
You got that weapons charge up in New York. Yeah.
Ever since then, I've been very weary of having a knife on me. Yeah.
What'd they hit you with? Was that a misdemeanor? Class five misdemeanor, something like that. For having that thing, having the hawk going? Yeah, having the damn fucking, the chopper, letting the chopper sing.
That's fucked up. Dude, I had a pipe for a while.
A pipe? I had a pipe in my car. I never used it.
I just like, a friend gave it to me and they said it as a joke. I was like, yeah, you know what, I will fucking hang on to this.
Did you ever just grip it every now and again while you're driving? Oh, man. That's a nice feeling time I'm on chestnut, like me and this guy, we're going into the city and this dude cut me off.
I did the same thing. I pull up the side, don't kind of give him a look.
And I was behind a cop and he, that's perfect. I put my window down.
Cause I'm like, this guy's such a piece of shit. I'm going to say something to him.
And he's like, yeah, you're not going to say something cause the cops there. And I'm like, Ooh, what the fuck? And then I just started saying something saying something i just like we just start fucking yapping at each other and then about five minutes later we're still going down chestnut towards center city uh like from like west west philly and uh i see him pull up next to the cop and then he kind of runs through the light and two seconds later the cop turns on the sidelines i'm like got his ass that's awesome instead the cop got me oh and i see his ass stop about 60 feet ahead of me braked in the middle of the street watching me get pulled over and the cop walks up he's like did you flash a gun at that guy what i'm like what no i don't have a red light yeah he said to the cop that i had a gun in my car he was running from you is what his excuse yes yes was.
Yes. Yes.
Genius. So I'm fucking, he pulls me over and I'm like, no, dude, I don't have a gun.
I promise. I was like, you can search my car.
And I wasn't even thinking. We found 13 Hot Pocket wrappers, but no good.
This is like when I was doing it. He's like, God damn, dude.
How have you been operating a microwave in this vehicle? How do you have it connected to the smoke charger? It's like he hollered out the glove box and it's just the fucking microwave. It was a DeLorean, but it was just microwaves.
But yeah. So wait, he told you he had a gun? He told him I had a gun and I was so pissed off and I told the cop he could search my car and as soon as I did, I realized I was like doing, I was on my way to a sketch rehearsal at that thing across the street.

I had a fake gun in my back seat.

I swear to God, I didn't flash it.

But I was like, yeah, you can search my car.

And then I was like, oh my God.

And the guy was just like, fuck, man.

All right.

And then he just let me go.

Oh, he didn't go through.

Yeah, thank God.

Did he go to try to get the other guy for lying about?

No, I think he just knew that it was some dumb dispute between two young idiots.

Dude, what if you looked through all your improv shit and you saw like a man-sized baby bonnet just a big spanking paddle yeah fuck that must have been scary how was it like an orange cap gun or did it look kind of real uh i think it was an orange cap but we took it off because of the fucking show so we like yeah you yeah. You scratched it off the cereal.
Made in China. Yeah.
It shoots Pez. That almost became the best possible revenge prank that a guy has ever pulled.
You actually had a fucking fake gun in the car. I actually had a fake handgun in the car.
Yeah. Insane.
And you didn't wave that thing at him. No, I swear to God, I didn't wave it.
That would have been so funny. Like, I'll murder you motherfucker.
Dude, I had the pipe down here. I was ready to go with the pipe if that fucking came to be.
Was the gun in your trunk or was it in the backseat? No, it was just sitting in the backseat. Yeah.
On like a pile of clothes. It was like a Walmart bag with a bunch of shit just stuffed in it because I was like running late to the fucking thing.
If he saw that gun, you would have gotten like aggravated. Even if you wave a fake gun, I think you'd get in trouble.
Oh, yeah. I think it's a felony, right? When it's in a car.
Fake gun.

Now, to this point, Jake recently got

shot by a bunch of teenagers with a

airsoft gun. Yes, I did.

Could they have been also charged with aggravated

assault? Yeah, they get charged.

If you hit someone with a BB gun, you get an airsoft

or BB? I think it was airsoft.

It didn't hurt. Why did you get, why are they

shooting? I was leaving an Italian comedy night in the middle of fucking Delaware. It was like, kill me, right? They asked him to sit in the front seat.
And I'm like walking back and I could, you know, you just feel the group of kids in the car pull up and I'm like, something's happening here. Oh no, dude.
And then I hear, and I just feel a little like smacking on my head. They kind of sting.
If you're close enough, those things kind of sting. I had to like walk and act like it didn't hurt.
I was like, I don't notice anything. Get around the corner and they fucking pull off.
I'm like, why would they do that to me? Oh, that's scary. In their defense, you are the person to shoot with.
I'm the biggest target. Yes.
I'm a beginner level for that shit. They fired that many shots?

Yeah, probably over 15.

You can get automatic ones, yeah.

They make the AK now.

You can get the Airsoft AK and it's like...

Jesus Christ.

I was walking in front of a storefront,

so I was hearing it hit the glass a bunch, too.

Jake, would you think about getting a tattoo

on the places where you were shot?

Like Tupac?

I'd do it, yeah.

Get a little tear back. Did it actually hurt or did it just just kind of sting? No, it didn't even sting.
Just upsetting? Yeah. More like a flick, yeah.
Come on, guys. Yeah, don't shoot me.
Now, would you rather be airsoft shot or get hit with eggs from a bunch of kids? Airsoft shot. Yeah, dude.
Yeah, I told you that. That happened to me, too.
Get hit with eggs? It wasn't in Delaware, was in uh it was in delco i was at an open mic and it wasn't me standing on the corner talking to a comic you know it wasn't you and uh the car a car of teenagers drives by and like they're probably from like me to josh away and i hear them stop the car at the intersection go do it do it do it and like we look and they just start throwing eggs like probably uh six eggs at us and they miss it's like that scene in pulp fiction they missed every time and they hit this business behind us i was like how do you miss but yeah have you ever thrown eggs at anybody oh yeah yeah yeah it's fun i mean you got to get to humans at some point you start with houses then moving cars and then it's like the most dangerous game baby i'm making humans now i gotta hit a human yeah the saddest people walking on bridges like their life could not be anywhere standing on the ledge of the bridge i've gotten my karma back multiple times when did you hear the eggs i got hit with like every kind of fucking milkshake in newark, Delaware. I'd be riding my skateboard to work.

You're getting hit with the milkshake.

And people are just out of a truck

throwing giant cups of red fucking liquid at me,

hitting me with the F word on the way out.

So I got it so many times,

like three times on the same street.

That's a lot.

That's a lot.

Yeah.

You think while you're walking,

having those kinds of experiences, you'd have more appreciation for somebody driving you yeah you really would true man you'd be getting pegged with fucking slurpees and shit I'm telling you nobody's fucking egging either one of these dickheads when I'm driving I don't know just getting shot egged Yeah, I've, we egged people one time and like this is when I learned we're too old for it because we like egged these guys and then they like chased us and found us. We were the same.
We were all like 20 and we're like, oh. They're like, did you throw eggs at us? And we're like, no.
It was like, I think they were honestly a year younger than us because they like came up on us and we were like, get the fuck out of here. We'll beat your ass.
We're 20, we don't do that. We were just young enough, we couldn't go to the bars, so we were just egging people.
Maybe they were a little bit older than us, maybe they were 21. They came out of the bar and we were just like, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Ran away and they came up, they were like, do you have some fucking eggs? My one friend had an egg in his pocket. What's that from? My friend was like, get the fuck out of here, I'll kick your ass.
I was making an omelet early. He's like, I was just bringing this around.
They were like, then they just realized, like, damn, there's like five of these fucking morons here. There's two of us.
And you were on foot. You weren't even in a car.
That's crazy, dude. We pegged the New Jersey Trolley or the Ocean City Trolley one time.
I've talked about this before, but it was the funniest thing ever, man. We had my cousin ride it so we had an inside man and then when it stopped he was like tell us what happens and we just got in and it was like tomatoes eggs all kinds of just fruit like food bombed this trolley with all kinds of food my cousin said it was like the craziest shit just watching people like now how is he communicating did he have a wire no no we just knew the route We knew it came by every so many minutes.
So he caught it like a few blocks up, rode it. And then when he got off, like, come on.
He tried to get some guys together, like, come chase us. He's like, come on, let's go get those guys.
And at the last second, he said they kind of were like, ah. Just old black ladies with their groceries.
Was it on the boardwalk? No, it was on, like, the Ocean Drive. So it wasn't on the boardwalk.
It was like this little trolley that would take people like down to the boardwalk and back. You had an escape route and we ran right to the beach.
Was he hit at all? No, he didn't get hit. Okay.
He said we caught, there was one guy, we all ended up aiming because we were like, what did you hit? What did you hit? Wow, wow. Sorry, I shouldn't say his name.
I caught, please my cousin's name. Please my cousin's name.
He was like, you guys all, apparently we aim for the same dude. This guy was like all decked out and he was dressed.
He had like double earrings on. He was like, he was one of those guys.
Like he was like way, way too into his outfit. We fucking nailed it.
Everyone like either hit him or came close to him. It was apparent that we all like, that guy.
And everyone just threw their shit at this one guy. We hate that guy the most.
Wes. Yeah, you guys fucking lift that one guy up and the rest of the shit just like hit the sides and...
Sorry, I think I said his name again. Your boy had to take one.
I don't think he got touched. Well, only one guy got it, but if everybody except your boy had gotten it...
He gets on the trolley and like one stop in, he puts on a poncho. Checks a watch.
I'm a big Gallagher fan. Yeah, it would be...
I mean, now it's like I would never... That would be crazy if you're trying to do something.
If I was just bopping around during the day like, all right, I gotta do this, fuck it, and an egg just hit me across the side of the head, I would lose my mind. Matt, are you familiar with Brian Pumper, adult star? Yes, yes, I am.
He got egged recently. I heard, man.
Dude, there's a podcast.

It's all in the Atom or whatever.

No Jumper podcast.

He interviews Nat Turner, which is Brian Pumper's, I guess, co-worker.

It's the funniest name.

But he talks about Pumper, and Pumper was a disgraced porn star.

Who egged him?

Director of the Three Fists Compromise.

Nat Turner.

Did he really?

No.

Oh, sorry. But I'm not convinced.
I was Brian Pumper made the three fists. No.
But I'm not convinced that Brian Pumper wasn't setting it up for views. Yeah.
You think he got egged for views? I think he's been doing it to people, and then they caught him, so this might have reignited people's attention on his channel. He's been egging people online? Yes know why he got kicked off of uh like out of the porn industry or kicked out of the porn industry no he was prowling the subways i believe in new york city and he would just like press up on not like well i mean yeah i guess he'd press up on ladies be like yo i guess he'd find ladies are kind of hard up and be like i'm gonna give you some cash i'm gonna film we're gonna i'm gonna fuck you on camera and he was saying he was testing he was like just sending in content being like yeah I test like we're tested with porn stars and he was just like fucking ladies were all off the rip and then he'd go do regular porno shoots and they were just like bro you're out he got he just got like blacklisted forever they're very serious about testing and pornography I learned from the Nat Turnher interview there was a lady i went to exotica this year with shaner and there was a lady um what the fuck is her name she's the gangbang queen i don't know if you're familiar with her that's her legal name yes what's your stage name i can't think of her name but she's got that condition where your uh your ass your skin in her case it's her asshole and pussy, are completely white.

Is it in Patego?

Something like that, yeah.

Something like that.

But she was offering fans to gangbang her if they had proper testing.

She's an albino.

Add the exotic.

Yeah, add exotic.

But they are, listen.

You could have fucked a porn star that day.

Anybody could have if they went and got tested.

If you had the proper testing that you required.

And it didn't matter what you looked like.

She wasn't being picky.

Dude, she was.

When did she come back?

Probably November.

You enter your name on a wheel and you just spin it.

My thing with testing, what if you're tested from like three days ago

and then you just like had like gay sex under a bridge?

The homeless guy.

Maybe four.

And I'm sure there's a lot of people that are fudging results too. Yeah., what if you got a horny guy that's just really good at Photoshop? That's true.
Yeah, I feel like that testing has to be on site for it to be trustworthy. This episode is brought to you by Max.
The Emmy Award-winning series Hacks returns this April. The new season follows Debra Vance making a move from her Vegas residency to Hollywood showbiz.
Tensions rise as Debra and Ava try to get their late night show off the ground and make history while doing it. Starring Gene Smart and Hannah Einbinder.
Hacks Season 4 is streaming Thursday, April 10th exclusively on Max. And don't forget to check out the official Hacks podcast on Spotify.
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Price and coverage match limited by state law not available in all states oh she needs a little doctor yeah little doctor fellow next door she was also making sure that guys weren't crossing their fingers behind their backs dude i'm reading a book right now it's a it's a i'm on a big autobiography kick and this one is the autobiography of a guy in like, I think like the 80s in New York City. It's called Electro Boy, but it's about a guy who just has a bipolar, he's like manic depressive, but he was more so just manic.
And it was, he's telling his story when he was in New York City in the 80s. Yeah.
He had some money. He's like working for like this art house and he just, he couldn't say no to anything.
Like anything he came across, he'd be like, yeah like yeah everything was totally impulsive and it's just a story of him just like completely pigging on every single vice imaginable it's the funniest fucking dude it's he'll just like be sitting there he can never sleep either he just lays there awake all night he's like fine i'll get hookers and then he just like walks down and then i'll just look at stuff and he says in the time he was younger he's just attracted he says he's omnisexual he goes dude I would like see my own reflection in the mirror and be like fuck nice and he would see like a strong guy and be like dude that guy would fuck the shit out of my grump he was just like he was just the horniest guy possible he's just always on a manic fucking rush and then like he would call escorts and they'd be like couples he would just go there and like, he was like, there's like escorts where you just watch a dude just like bang his wife. And like, he would like suck her nipples later.
Like he was like explaining all this stuff. And then I think he'd probably beggar too.
Then he's like, I went, I think if I'm remembering it correctly, he like someone said like it was another couple's thing. He gets there, just a dude.
He's like, you want to smoke crack with me and jerk off? And he's like, yeah, sure.

Dude, just wouldn't say no to anything.

It was insane. This is the Jim Carrey

movie, Yes Man.

Way hornier.

I saw that movie

in Costa Rica and it was called Si Senor.

Was it really?

Si Senor.

Do you want to jerk off with me and smoke crack? Si, senor. Well, the story's insane.
He ends up getting involved in art forgery for the same reason. The lady's like, we should start forging this guy's artwork.
And he's like, yeah, definitely. And he just does it.
He's like, oh, what did I do? Fuck. I'm almost out of the book, but yeah, it's pretty, it's fun to read.
Yeah, that's not going to be the first book I've read in the last 10 years, for sure. I get it.
Look, it's pretty gritty. There's a lot of details in there that I can see people being like, ugh.
It's like I was reading alone in a hotel room. Like, God damn, bro.
She becomes a male stripper out of nowhere. Do you ever have an inkling that a bad boy phase is about to come out of you? I had a bad boy phase.
My bad boy phase. I mean, it's like,'s gone, but hopefully it's always there.
But no, I fight it, man. A bad boy phase would just destroy my family right now, dude.
Yeah, if you frosted your tips and got an earring, family's done, dude. He's pissing on the toilet seat.
Told myself I would never smoke crack and jerk off with a guy. Matt, is that a puka shell necklace? Let's tuck it in.
No, I keep it pretty it's one of the greatest struggles of my life of like how much of your you know, sensory enjoyment do you sacrifice versus how much do you indulge in? There has to be a fine line. If you repress yourself too hard,'ll just explode i almost lost my family over it yeah dude it's totally understandable though i now that i have a family and kids i'm like if i hear people like do some crazy wild shit and like lose their family i'm like you made it there for a long time that's impressive yeah you hung in there it's pretty hard not to do it's a daily struggle not to be a disgusting perverted creep and lose your family the first time i did crack i went i flew out to denver to watch the eagles play them and i had a massive crack hangover at the game i'm in the top deck i'm just people are talking shit the eagles are losing by four touchdowns and most of the game i'm just like i'm the biggest loser on the planet but then i'm just like i'm kind of the man too why just because you did the crack is the bad boy i do my thing like i think i don't know i might be oppositionally defiant yeah like if my wife says not to do something you know yeah you're gonna don't do any crack while you're in denver i'm gonna do all the crack in denver bitch you think you know everything don't you how did you score crack in a city you had never been to um i was down by where the uh

wherever the nuggets arena is there's a brewery there and i went looking for regular ass coke

and the guy's like i don't have soft but i have hard and uh it was a gamble yeah

and i was like all right fine and i bought maybe like 100 bucks worth and i took it back to the

hotel and i and i smashed it up as much as i could and i snorted it it was not a pleasant experience

but it did do the trick different feeling than cocaine or relatively the same? I was going to snort it crack. Yeah, you snorted crack? I snorted it the first time.
I ended up smoking crack, I think, twice. And that was too intense.
Yeah, you fool me once. Shame on me.
I'm not snorting stuff. Jesus, dude.
I've been smoking this time. I've been smoking this time.
I've been smoking this time. I've been smoking this time.
It was too much. much Too much yeah Thankfully it didn't take But I did love regular ass coke I've heard some people say They smoke crack that's it It's on from then on out It's like well this is all I'm doing So I'm glad you were able to get it and go It was too much like I was never a person Even though I only did it a couple times I would just stand where I was And just smoke crack until the crack was gone and then be like I'm glad you were able to get it and go, man.
It was too much. Like, I was never a person, even though I only did it a couple times.
Like, I would just stand where I was and just smoke crack until the crack was gone. And then be like, I'm done with this.
Yeah. And then it was like, all right, until the next time rolled around, I was like, you want to do it again? Yeah.
But I think I bought it, I think, three times, and I smoked it twice. But that was enough.
What'd you do with the third time? Just like, chuck it? Booth it. No, we were at my buddy's house.
Like I got burned on buying regular Coke. And then the guy, the friend of a friend was like, well, I know a guy who can get hard.
And I was like, all right, cool. Again, for the grace of God, I'm now really avoiding getting butt.
But we ended up, he got a bunch of it and we stood in his bedroom all night in a three-man circle just smoking crack. It's the funniest drug.
Y'all trying to get hard right now? Y'all can get hard too. Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? It is. The parties on like hard drugs are so funny because I'm sure it's so fun, but it's just always just like three dudes in a room just like.
It was nothing because eventually like his girlfriend kept trying to get him to come out of the room. She was hanging out downstairs and they were whispering the entire time, which really creeped me out.
And he just would not leave. He was whisper arguing with this poor lady who apparently wanted us out of the fucking house.
Yeah. Makes sense.
It's like, no, I'm smoking crack with my bros in my bedroom. We're standing in a circle and you got to shut the fuck up about it.
Come on, babe. We talked about this.
That's crazy. Do you remember when we were in Florida and we were at that motel, the Aileen Wuornos's place? We rented her room.
Aileen Wuornos, the Charlize Theron monster. Yeah.
Yeah. How was it? Disgusting.
And I never want to go back. We were afraid to sit on the bed.
That's how gross it was. Is that where she was living? Did you request her exact room number? Yeah, they'll give it to you.
We went down there, and we were filming some stuff for our Patreon, and it started to get dark. The plan was to stay there for the night, but dude, this motel, all the lights, at sundown, all the lights in the motel turned off.
Like, the main office, all the rooms, the street lights. And then all of a sudden, like, these dudes just roll up.
These Mexican guys. Yeah.
And, like, they set up in post. Like, this one guy sitting underneath a lamppost, like the one lamppost that's on, just blasting Mexican music from his phone.
Another guy is walking by us as we're carrying the camera equipment back to the car, just hands behind his back, this close to us, not talking to us, just kind of looking in our van. It was getting very tense.
Might have been another bad boy meetup, like we were just talking about. True, everybody getting ready to form the circle.
Yeah, you guys got hard or soft? It was hard mike gave uh your card to the guy who owned the

motel and uh he takes him to the room and he he lets mike he opens the door for mike and then he

takes off his shoes and walks into the room barefoot showing mike around the room and then

they called you right because of the towel that was like oh yeah there was a pillow missing

pillow that we used to block the light yeah of the window it was just in the window yeah so yeah

Yeah.

But.

Damn, they called you about the pillow? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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Yeah. that was like missing yeah there was a pillow missing pillow that we used to block the light yeah of the window it was just in the window yeah so yeah yeah but they called you about the pillow bro i guarantee that it was a seven dollar pillow too the most disgusting piece of fabric you've ever seen yeah like the fact that they needed that thing so bad yeah so you you going up and ask him like yo there was like a wild-ass lesbian in this place like 10 years ago can i stay in that he just I guess people come and do it.
When I called initially, they changed the room number and I forget what it is now. But if you ask for it, they'll give it to you.
And I reiterated when I got there. I was like, this is the Eileen Wuornos room, right? He's like, yes.
Although he was pretty Indian, so I'm not sure he understood. We might have got a random room.
I think it was hers, though. It did the trick.
He was not. He showed Mike the room, but his jaw was nonstop.
Like, the whole

time he was giving... He gave Mike a tour of

a room, like, as big as this room.

Okay. So he just kept, like, this is the bed.

This is the dresser. That's the

first corner? That's the second corner of the room?

This is the bathroom. That's the toilet.
That's the sink.

He was, like, pointing everything. Mike's like, yeah,

thanks. Was he a crackhead,

do you think? I think so, yeah. Or meth,

maybe? Yeah, I think they were in on it.

This is where she kissed her friend's pussy in the bed.

Yeah you started towards that. Thanks for saying it again.

Oh man

I think about that all the time.

Oh my god

I think about her kiss the pussy

in the bed.

That's so fucking crazy. Then she choked this big truck driver and kissed her kiss the pussy in the bed.
That's just so fucking crazy.

Then she choked with a big truck driver

and kissed her girlfriend's pussy.

I don't even care.

She looked like John C. Reilly.

Love is love.

Oh, that's fucking sick.

Yeah, how's your travels been?

How have you been documenting the murder world?

Oh, man, we're living life, man.

And we get around. We have fun.
We got to see John Wayne Gacy's old house. The house is different, but the property is still there.
And it's a very creepy street. What did Gacy do? What was Gacy again? Killing young boys.
So, dude, he ran a construction business, and he would hire all these young boys to come and work for him. And he would kill them.
So his crawl space was full of them. His backyard was full of them.
His walls were full of them. Where was he based? Chicago.
A suburb was, I can't remember the name of the suburb, but it was so far outside of Chicago. Probably easy too on a construction site to kill boys.
It's like drop some shit on them. No, for real.
Boy accidents all the time. Did Ocean? Did Ocean crack the case? Yeah, how was your little brother killed? It was a terrible boy accident.
Yeah, ten sheets of drywall dropped on his head. Don't get me started on boys right now.
I watched this documentary my brother gave me. It's the worst thing.
Don't ever watch it. It's called Turned Out.
It's about prison romance. Some of it, not all of it's by force.
Some's by force, some's not. Bro, talk about boys.
You need to get four boys underneath you so then like trade them for stuff. And it's the most fucked up.
Whoa. You have to have a harem of boys to protect your own butt, basically? No, just if you want to rise.
It's like if you already have a store where you're selling stuff, if you can get a boy, obviously, they're like fucking their own boys, obviously. So that's like a powerful network because then you can trade.
If you get a boy, that's your boy. If anyone tries to fuck with your boy.
That's a real powerful network. That's where the term fuck boy comes from, by the way.
You have all these guys like, I'm a fuck boy. Your fuck boy is like your little boy.
Wait, what? Really? Yeah. This documentary was filmed a while ago in Alabama and it's like, yeah, my little fuck boy.
It's like, and word comes out. And then if you're daddy, there's daddies too.
So you're the boy and daddy's the guy who's in charge. But if your daddy gets transferred or released, all the other dudes go, like, oh, there's a spare boy.

Once they find out that you're a boy.

You don't get promoted?

If you get promoted to daddy.

If you're, like, the bottom bitch, you can have, like, boys underneath you.

And you can start.

Then you can send your boy out to go get other boys.

Okay.

So, yeah, you can.

There is, you know.

It's a pyramid scheme.

It's a vertical organization.

Yeah.

But, yeah, dude, this documentary was.

Mary Kay. Terrific.
You know Mary Kay started. Harry A.
It's a pyramid scheme. It's a vertical organization, yeah.
But yeah, dude, this documentary was terrific.

You know, Mary Kay started...

Harry A.

Mary Kay started a nice charity.

It's called the Angel Tree, where there's like these Christmas trees where you can take a thing,

and if you buy a gift, it sends it to a prisoner's kid.

Oh, dude, that sounds like Fat Mom Heaven.

The Angel Tree.

Dude, Fat Moms love angels so much, man. It's true.
This is true. But yeah, the documentary is fucking nuts, dude.
It goes into the ins and outs of it, and it's like... I'll bet.
It's wild. Dude, that's got to be the harshest realization where you think you're boys with a guy in prison you realize you're his boy his boy yeah exactly and no they're all about the friendship in the documentary like yo it's like i mean sex aside we're like a family that's a weird analogy he fucks your butt then he's like clean your room take out the trash so you treat me great you get all the cigs you want that're for real like yeah I think you have cigarette sales and then the next thing is you better believe he said it's a power thing bro I couldn't get enough if I'm getting my butt fucked I'm gonna have my mouth filled with cigarettes like that no smoking campaign that's true I mean I guess once you get again yeah, once you're again, it's all, there's totally different things.
Some of the dudes got took in. Some of the dudes were just like, yeah, I do owe you a lot of soup.
Take the ass. So it's kind of like, it's pretty wild.
I'm not going to be able to get all that soup. So how far into cheek debt would you be willing to go? Cheek debt? Yeah.
I don't know. I think you get your cheeks taken over.
If you can't produce, you're done. So I don't want to risk my cheeks in debt.
Although, I don't know. It would be nice to get a line of credit on the house.
Like, damn, that is a good interest rate. I don't know.
Giving a cheek debt would be so scary, dude. It's just on the line.
I'm completely lost at this point. Cheek debt.
So Matt's talking about going into debt because you owe soup. And I was like, alright, so if you gotta pay butt for soup, like how far into debt, like how hungry do you have to be to be like, you know what, I'm gonna get fucked over some Doritos.
I need like an infographic to take this information in. Yeah.
Can we set up like a payment plan? You know, Doritos over time.

Is this still the system of modern prison?

I don't know.

Having a harem of fuckboys? This was from, I don't think so, man.

This was from like a long time.

Man, I don't fucking know.

But this was from like a dirt poor county of Alabama.

Yeah, that could have been planned by its own rules.

Yeah, no one had any cash on them.

And it was just like, it was just soups, coffee.

I mean, now you can have your own tablet in prison. Yeah, dude.
Which is pretty wild. My brother was telling me there's a subreddit, just like the prison subreddit, and there's dudes that get, like, iPhones, and they just, like, stream from there, and they're like, yo, we got the PS5, man, and it's just them, like, streaming.
You can, like, get into, like, real prison footage now pretty easily on the internet. Yeah, I've seen plenty of live from jail.

It's crazy. How is that fucking possible?

I don't know. You get the contraband phone in.

Yeah, they're more successful

than I am, I think.

They're probably killing it. Telling them.

Yeah.

Take it down. It is paddle time, actually.

I haven't been

snitching, but I think it's time to start.

Yeah. Officer, there's a banging live stream going down he's got a gun on the stream actually I did start snitching I tagged the FBI in somebody's tweet the other day of just a guy shooting a gun into the air in like Florida or something and I was like Miami Dade at Miami Dade police at FBI and I did it without even checking the replies, and there was hundreds of people that were like,

at FBI, at FBI.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Because the bullets fall down.

You can't be doing that.

They come back at the same terminal velocity as they went up.

I know.

Dude, the velocity bros are today.

Damn.

Exactly.

Did you learn that in physics?

Parabola.

Yeah.

Yeah, you think about that.

It's all fucking cool shooting a gun in the air,

but someone's like, yeah, they fall back down.

I was like, oh, yeah. I thought they'd just go through space forever.
Fuck. Maybe that's what you got shot with.
You think so? Yeah, it might not have been those kids. God damn it.
All right. I'll get it looked into.
Apparently, you know what I heard? Cool factoid. You know the airplane, the Alaskan airline, the door that like flew off? Apparently someone's cell phone fell out and then the cell phone fell and landed in someone's backyard and they got their cell phone back and it worked right yeah no way fell from fucking space yeah basically and still work yep pretty cool speaks a lot about was it an apple or was it a didn't get that detail i didn't get was it in an otter box that's the question yeah that's the question dude my lady left the phone her phone on top of the car when we left to Phillyies game a couple months ago and when we got home i had an alert that was like maggie's phone has been in an accident or something like a car accident happened or something and i was like why did i just get this yeah and it flew off on the highway the location was still so perfect that we could find exactly where it was on the highway perfectly fine it's not broken screen wasn't cracked it's pretty misogynistic how apple just assumes like a fallen lady phone it's just like this fucking bitch got a car i know dude so i was having a discussion with my wife recently and i thought she hung up on me apparently she just didn't know i was still talking i think she hung up on me i was so mad i was so mad my phone was hung up on this.
Apparently she just didn't know I was still talking. I was so mad.

My phone was hung up on this little magnetic

thing. I punched my phone

and then I just threw it against the side of my car.

It called 911 because it thought I was in an

accident.

I don't know if it was from the slam on the

side of the thing.

My phone was lost. It was on the side

so I had to reach over and get it. By the time I did it,

it was too late. 911 called me back and they were like, everything alright? I was like, yeah, I'm just pissed off.
My bad. My wife hung up on me and I spazzed and fucking punched my phone.
It was just like, all right, man, all good. It was like, all good later on.
I had been chilling too. I had been fucking vibing before that, but I just hang up.
It was like a hectic schedule day and I totally forgot I'd take my dog to the vet and i boned up she's like you ain't where you're not i was like oh did you ever like plan your day and you just look at it like yeah that was impossible why did i even yeah i could do that yeah no that has not ever happened to me actually yeah i've done it got a pretty sparse schedule yeah i had to make out at the vet all right he's fine's fine. His knee's fine.
He's all right.

And got x-rayed.

He's all good.

His knee was fucked up.

Yeah, we'd take him to the vet.

But it's one of those things.

My family's big into like, put that fucking dog down, dude.

Why even do that?

I swear to God, I tell people that.

Yeah, people are shocked and horrified.

But I'm like, yeah, my parents call for my dog's heads.

If they're like sick, they're like, kill him.

Dude, yeah.

I'm going through that right now.

I got a 16-year-old pit bull at home. Right now he's wearing diapers.
He can't get up the steps. I mean, it's time.
16. My dog is six.
If my dog's 16 has diapers, it's... Dude, you know how much it is to put a dog down? It's like hundreds of dollars just to kill your dog.
So it's just like... I thought him yeah true you you're a pretty strong guy so i think if you got behind him and really yeah give him some legend buy some fent yeah drop a little in the bowl no one will ever know no you have it on your fingers yeah yeah oh my god he just becomes a junkie he does not die 16's rough yeah 16 my dog was 6 and my dad was like I'd put him down they're gonna charge 150 dollars for medicine yeah murder that thing yeah your dog sneezes once and it's like oh that's it take him out yeah yeah they'll come to your house now now it's like a nice little thing they'll come out to your house do they really yeah they'll come out to your house and putting your dog down is so sad.
I did that one time. Yeah, I've done that before.
Dog's just laying on a metal table and you're just sitting there with it and it's just like... That's why I don't think I've done it.
Because I did it twice before and it's just, it's fucking heart-wrenching. So you can have them come to your house and they'll like lay a little spread out for them.
You can give them like some last treats and then they'll just, you can like hold them the whole time. The metal table of the vet is just depressing.

Yeah. Can they come at

stripper cops and do it?

Probably. You can probably hire

some hookers too.

So when the vet lady comes out to do it,

these are just hookers here.

We're having a little thing.

We're going to have a little party afterwards.

We're going to let him eat peanut butter off of her pussy one last time.

A cancered up dog slowly licking his hungry pussy. He can hardly walk.
Yeah, you should kill your dog for sure. But I do like the idea of getting him some fentanyl because I think that's the most humane way to go for an animal.
Yeah. Really treat him and just give it Coke, too.
So it's like, oh, it's going to be fun. And I was like, oh, it fucking goes out.
I'm going to do so many things. So the last thing, it's like oh it's gonna be fun and I was like yeah I'm gonna do so many things

so the last thing is like I'm gonna start a business

and it's like

I had so many collar IDs

alright you guys know doggy daycare

how about doggy nightcare

oh my god I can see in color

yeah it's done

dog nightclub would be sick

oh my god

just end the night with who let the dogs out

that's nook a few buck for dogs. They throw their collars in the middle of the circle.
Yeah. Well, how, you've had that dog the whole time? Oh yeah.
Probably since we got married. Like we got two months.
we got it for $20 and like 12 cents because it was like a new year special yeah yeah they said he was three or five when we got him so it's been but definitely not four 2012 no way it sucks four I know a four year old dog and he's not one of them damn man yeah I it sucks and it sucks too because when you're when your dog dies, then you have to go in a period of like three months of open relationship, too. It's you crying every time.
Just a parade of dogs coming in. Now we've been in an open relationship for five months while we mourn our dog.
Have you guys known when you're ready to love again by getting by... When one pet dies, what kind of period do you usually have? I'm my dog's six i'm like dude the next dog i get's gonna be so sick you're just drawing a dog with sunglasses and a leather jacket but no i don't know i haven't uh i haven't been through it was always like family dogs you know i was little and they would die and we'd have one like after a couple months.
But I'll be at the helm when our dogs die. And I already got the dogs I want planned out.
So I'm going to pull the trigger pretty quickly. Is this the first time you're verbalizing this? Or have you spoken openly about this? I've talked to my wife all the time.
I'm like, next time I'm either getting a Shepard or an Akita. So, you know, I love my dogs.
But when they die, I'm going to get new dogs dogs because I love dogs so much. So I'm going to be like, damn, dude.
Do you wait for the dogs to leave the room before you start talking about this? No. Oh, I say it in front of my dog.
You know, some people that hurt. Hey, dog walking.
Pacing around the living room for the 4,000th time that day. Michael Bark Duncan.
No, I'll be devastated with my dog's eyes. I'm sad, but I am stoked on getting like, I rescued these guys.
These guys were losers. These dogs were losers, dude.
I've never heard somebody call my dog a loser. Yeah, my dog was eating like trash in all of.
A loser. A total loser.
I'm going to give you fucking shots and a collard. Dude, my dog was on like doggy death row back when we got him.
They were like, he's been here for two years at this point. He's going down.
Did he have a bunch of puppies under him that he was using as sexual collateral? You know, I never... I gotta ask him.
A buddy system.

That's what 101 Dalmatians is really about.

Crowley didn't want to skin those dogs.

She just wanted to pee in them.

Is it Mrs. Pops comes out with a dead one

because he got fucked a dick?

Man.

Dude.

That turned out.

Never mind.

It's only 100 again.

They rub him out and just...

Mrs. Pops.
Turn him on his side. He spits out.
Big dog cum. God.
Goddamn, dude. He needed a stomach pump like Marilyn Manson.
He's got the little kimchi. Jesus Christ.
Well, Josh, I think we're at four, right? You have another one at four o'clock, so sorry about that. Dudes, please plug your stuff, dude.

Oh, yeah, I got my new book, Delco Derpall.

It is a wigger crime novel set in my beloved hometown of Delco, PA.

It involves two lovable losers who were mistakenly accused of their boss's murder at Halloween Adventure.

And then one of their dads contacts them about fraudulently cashing a check,

which would enable them to hopefully get out of Delco.

But if they get caught, they're fucked, and then they're also going to get pinned with the murder. Yeah, baby.
Wicker crime novel. Delco, Delco Durpo.
That's awesome. Get it, buddy.
Yeah. Oh wait, you can buy it at on perks.com.
Oh, perfect. Yeah.
And we got, we got a nice new shirt going to pop up in there soon for a little. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
You follow me on Jake Matera, follow our podcast, little stinkers. It's so much fun.
We do so much crazy shit and uh yeah if you like stand up search my name in youtube you'll see a fucking 45 minute set yeah put that on for anyone you don't like so yeah please follow me as well at at johnny delco on twitter and instagram and i don't know if this is going to come out in time but we are at dallas comedy this Wednesday August 21st and we're at Creek in the Cave Thursday August 22nd and we're going to be in the Bay Area in October around there we'll be at San Fran Punchline on Tuesday October 22nd and we'll be at Sacramento Punchline the next night on the 23rd. And here's the deal.
Just so you're not apprehensive.

Like, this isn't fat girl true crime.

I promise you, like, this is fun.

So check it out.

Yeah, it's awesome, dude.

Dude, also check out Dad Meat with my homeboy Tim Butterly, the funniest fucking dude on the planet.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Thanks for having us, buddy.

Dude, thank you guys.

This is incredible, man.

Appreciate it, man.

A ton of fun.

Rock on.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Get back to my George Washington, dude.