Ep 510 - G.O.U.T.E.D. (feat. Lil Stinkers)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 Hey, we're here.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the motherfucking podcast. John Del Calo, Michael Rainey, and James Matillo,

Speaker 2 aka the little stinkers. What up, dog?

Speaker 2 Thank you for having us, dude. Thanks for coming and doing this, man.
Sorry to get all Walter Cronkite on you with my SIG, dude, but it's

Speaker 3 a natural progression for you, brother.

Speaker 2 It's good look. I'm, dude, I'm so happy I found these things, man.
They're a little, like, uh, I was telling you guys, they're low THC. I've been trying, it's like George Washington weed.

Speaker 2 It's not just CBD. There's, it's like a it'd be like seven or five.
They might be five. It's like five, and then it's like eight percent THC.
They're like little

Speaker 2 it's my George Washington weed, man. You smoke it, you just think about the Constitution.
Nothing crazy. You're like, yeah, dude, we should probably.

Speaker 2 You get just high enough to be like, is slavery bad?

Speaker 1 I think I'd be kind of fucked up.

Speaker 2 People like, dude, what are you smoking, bro?

Speaker 1 Are you high? It's about time the tables have turned.

Speaker 3 Yeah, these are the anti-newports.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I'm a big proponent. Like, some of the weed now is like 45%.

Speaker 1 You're like,

Speaker 1 get to like smoke it like like crack.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. It's like, I'm good on that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now I'm going to be able to make eye contact with my family until Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 So you guys are in Austin for the week.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're living it up. Gout's already flaring back up, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you guys all gouted?

Speaker 2 He hasn't been yet.

Speaker 1 Of all of us.

Speaker 2 It is funny. It's like the online goated thing.
It's like, gouted.

Speaker 4 So you're not gouted. Dude, no.

Speaker 1 God's cruelest trick is that we got it and he didn't. Unbelievable.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I kind of resent you for this. Like, if there was a gout pool amongst the three of us,

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm all in Jake.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm sea biscuit of gout.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 isn't gout like a lactic acid build up in your toe?

Speaker 1 That's uric acid.

Speaker 2 Uric acid, that's what it was.

Speaker 1 And it crystallizes and typically goes to the lowest extremity. He had it in his ankle.

Speaker 3 I had it in my penis first.

Speaker 1 You had gout in your penis? Yes.

Speaker 2 Did you get any gains? Did you get gains at all?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 So did it hurt all the time or just when you got hard?

Speaker 3 No, it was nuts, man. Well, no, I didn't have it in my gym.

Speaker 5 But initially, like, I thought

Speaker 1 I'll believe anything right away. Yeah, right?

Speaker 3 Initially, like, I had it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're saying lowest part of your body. Jesus Christ, bro.

Speaker 1 Maybe I got to put the fucking George Washington way down.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm in bad boy mode.

Speaker 3 We had fucking barbecue two days in a row, man. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 So when the gout starts popping up,

Speaker 2 it just like, what do you, you get a little, you get a little feeling. You go, no.
Dude.

Speaker 3 It's not happening.

Speaker 3 I mean, John jokes about like, it's when God breaks your foot in the middle of the night, but it did feel like that because the day before, I thought it was, I was running suicides on the basketball court with my son, and it was hot as shit.

Speaker 3 So I was like, it has to be related to this.

Speaker 3 Whereas it was related to the hoagies that I've eaten every day for the past 90 days.

Speaker 2 So how many days you have to like de-gout yourself?

Speaker 2 You get good and gout.

Speaker 3 I was, uh, I was gout heavy the end of June up until about two weeks ago.

Speaker 1 It lasted a while. Crazy length of time.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I had it in Disney too, which was. Oh, yeah.
Dude, that was my Jordan flu game going to Disney with fucking full-on gout.

Speaker 4 It's like an STD.

Speaker 1 You probably weren't alone. Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I gave it to my wife.

Speaker 1 It's like the Jeep wave of Disney World.

Speaker 1 You just wriggle your tities.

Speaker 4 Waving from the rascal scooters.

Speaker 2 Do you think it's an STD kind of thing?

Speaker 4 Yeah, once you get it, you can't undo it, right?

Speaker 1 I mean, there's not a

Speaker 1 pure. Yeah.
If it happens to you, it's likely to happen again. I guess it's like shingles to...

Speaker 1 chickenpox like it's in your body okay you got to fly straight forever what's in your body though just the uric uric acid, the acids, the crystals?

Speaker 7 And it takes forever.

Speaker 3 Well, some people, it goes away within a couple of days, but with other people who just continuously eat like they're fucking kids with dead parents, it will persist, man.

Speaker 4 Tiny gout trolls in your body.

Speaker 2 Yeah. How do you, how do you turn it? What if you just didn't eat for two days? Would it go away?

Speaker 3 You got to flush it out. I eat cherries by the pound.

Speaker 1 Yeah, cherries is a treatment. Cherry juice.

Speaker 4 It's a gout awareness podcast.

Speaker 1 yeah i want to know

Speaker 3 thank you to all the boys in the gout subreddit for saving the day because as soon as i got it like i went i had to go to urgent care because i don't have insurance yeah and i went there the lady's like uh i think you got gout she's like yeah just take uh it was an anti-inflammatory take this and you'll be fine and drink water and i was like all right cool and i just wasn't getting better and i was getting closer and closer to disney so i was like oh come on please help me out baby please i need something here and uh yeah i went on the gout subreddit and they were more helpful than anybody else because people there were recommending all kinds of other treatments like there's a gout medication you could take which i didn't end up taking but i might resort to that if i get another flare-up you know just knock it right out you guys should try a muzzle so that you stop eating so much

Speaker 1 most people get it from drinking a lot as the fattest person he doesn't drink so that must mean his shitty food intake is worse than mine

Speaker 3 what's a day run me through a day what's a day like now i will say this because i remember you said a while back if if every meal that you taste good every meal that you eat tastes good you're gonna die

Speaker 1 I do the opposite of that, dude.

Speaker 3 Everything I ate, dude, I eat like every meal is a Roman orgy.

Speaker 3 Like today, I treated myself, well, I treat myself every meal, but I treated myself to a bagel with extra sharp cheese with fried eggs and a little bit of leftover sausage from Terry Black's.

Speaker 3 It's pretty good. So that's my starter.
And I'm sure we're going to get Mexican at some point today. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then at nighttime, I got these Mickey Mouse goldfish crackers that I've really been snacking on.

Speaker 2 So what's setting off the G, though

Speaker 3 is it the meat i never got a clear answer is it is like more than anything in my case like i i live like down the street from a primo's hoagies and that's one of my favorite hoagies and like uh i'll eat one of those four to five times a week and that's a lot of process jesus christ primo's four times a week i know man yeah dude i mean you know it's like everywhere in delco everything is on the thickest bread like you can't get away from it everything is so bad yeah this is like the worst food on the planet i think dude it's outside of philadelphia suburbs outside of philadelphia is has probably the most unhealthy food.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do you in California explain to people like Friday pizza night? They're like, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 They don't understand what you eat. That is insane.

Speaker 2 Yeah. People are like, would you eat pizza every Friday night? Like, that's fucking crazy.
That's it's pizza night, dude. I have to.
Yeah. It's custom.

Speaker 4 When I lived in California, I lost 50 pounds and I wasn't even trying to lose weight. It was just, there was no bread.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 So it was just like, you know, fucking, I'd have like peanut butter and jellies from time to time, but like besides that, like no sandwiches, like anything we get on the East Coast. We're so spoiled.

Speaker 1 That's where I gained weight Did you really? I was following food trucks until they parked

Speaker 3 yeah do food trucks have their own like mr.

Speaker 1 Softie theme for each one no I'm just listening to the mr. Softie theme in my car

Speaker 2 You gained weight in California. That's interesting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I was ironic skinny

Speaker 1 Weren't you depressed? Yeah, did not like I got a vitamin D deficiency in the sunniest state in the fucking country. How is that possible? I never went outside.

Speaker 1 I stopped going outside unless it was, unless I saw a food truck. What did you do? On my app.

Speaker 1 Smoked weed and then drove past an open mic, but was too high to get out of the car and actually sign up.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 3 I've always wondered this about you because you went to California. You went to Hollywood.
And was there ever any time where you considered making a living as an eye pervert?

Speaker 3 Because you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in podcasting, man.

Speaker 1 No one ever approached me about it.

Speaker 2 That's nuts. We have a Halloween decoration, and I swear to God, it's supposed to be a peeping tom, like someone like looking into your eyes, and I'll show it to you when I go to my house.

Speaker 2 It bears resemblance.

Speaker 1 Yeah? Yeah. It's got to be.
You have such a creepy Christmas ornament. No, no, it's Halloween.
Okay. For Halloween.
Can I say Christmas? Yeah. Probably not.

Speaker 2 I might have said Christmas. Either way, George Washington's got me talking.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, it looks...

Speaker 2 I'll show it. When we go home, you'll see.
It's like...

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's crossing the dough.

Speaker 2 I didn't think about it until now. I was like, holy shit.
Wait a second. You look like the guy who looks into my window with It's just a decoration.

Speaker 1 Every time I walk by, I'm like, oh, I'm going to do it when I get to your house. I'm going to look in the window.
It's looking into your own house. Yeah, it's a thing looking into your own house.

Speaker 1 And you walk by and you're like, oh,

Speaker 1 like, fuck, is that stupid fucking decoration?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you want it to look.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe it is.

Speaker 4 People are looking at the suction cup on the window as they walk by.

Speaker 2 It's just, it should be for other people, shouldn't it?

Speaker 1 Because your blood pressure is going to plump again if you turn this fucking thing around.

Speaker 2 So, dude, you guys are here. Are you studying the Rainy Street Ripper or what's going on? Are you more?

Speaker 1 We're going to do some research on him.

Speaker 3 You're sitting next to him, brother.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Dude, it's so cool that we do a true crime podcast. And it's not fat girl true crime.
It's fun true crime.

Speaker 3 It is kind of exhilarating that we go to a place where they have a ripper named after me.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 It's like, man. What an honor.
Yeah,

Speaker 3 it's like Anthony Bourdain getting a dish named after him.

Speaker 1 True. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, somebody had a theory we talked to yesterday. He said it's just people falling into the river.
Is that right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just like drunk college kids. Yeah.
I know nothing like that. Like maniac style falling into the scuba.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but apparently there's never been two years seems like a lot of fucking drunk frat guys to fall into the river.

Speaker 2 I think it's up to like 20 now, though. Damn.
Whoa. Yeah.
My only theory is maybe it was the kit. Maybe dudes are hitting ketamine and is being like,

Speaker 1 I got to find water. I'm so thirsty.
Yeah, true. That really came up.
I'm going to drink the whole lake. I'm going to go paddleboard.

Speaker 2 I'm going to paddleboard out of this K-hole.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 It's not the kit. There goes that theory.
Well, Well, that's a lot of, it's a lot of, they say it's a lot of gay guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Even though there's a few women, women who are gay men.
Women can be pretty gay. Yeah, women can be pretty gay sometimes.
Women can be gay men. It can be anything these days.

Speaker 3 Although that might be like the ideal afterlife is haunting a lake with a bunch of other gay dudes.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 2 What is he wearing? Yeah, you're just.

Speaker 1 Nobody's coming out of the river with like a bullet in their head, right? Like, it's all.

Speaker 1 Are they choked? Any of them?

Speaker 4 I don't know the details. Scott around the neck?

Speaker 1 Very strange. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know the details, but I don't know.

Speaker 2 Apparently, though, the number of people who have been found in this river, if I'm correct, have spiked. It's usually not as much.
Am I right about that, Josh?

Speaker 2 Three

Speaker 1 bodies were discovered so far.

Speaker 1 I don't think that's a lot.

Speaker 2 I thought it was like 20 people.

Speaker 1 Over, like...

Speaker 2 A decade.

Speaker 1 Oh, what?

Speaker 2 It's not a fucking murderer. These are dumbasses.

Speaker 1 People are just running away with the theory.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I thought this was 20 in one year.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's just gay dudes with paid balance.

Speaker 1 True, this is true.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's fucking hot as the goddamn sun here. Maybe they're just trying to cool off.
And then they realize once they're in too deep that they don't know how to swim. Yeah.
That's classic.

Speaker 2 This was like a classic way of suicide in the 30s. You would just jump in the river.
If you wanted to kill yourself in the 1930s, you would just be like, ah, before people learned how to swim?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you just toss yourself in the river and you're like, Hitler had a crush on a girl when he was a teenage boy, and that's how he wanted to commit suicide together, is by jumping off a bridge into the river together.

Speaker 2 He was making like suicide

Speaker 3 romance packs? Dude, he would chill with his boy.

Speaker 3 They would walk around and he would read poetry to his boy, and then eventually a lady caught his eye and he's like, I'm in love, and I can never talk to her.

Speaker 3 And then eventually he's like, he's just bringing her up constantly to his buddy who wrote a book about him.

Speaker 3 And he's like, yo, I want to commit suicide with her by jumping off of a bridge into the water.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 2 He really was an artist.

Speaker 1 He really was.

Speaker 1 He's really an artist.

Speaker 2 It is crazy for that guy. He would have been like a regular nerd.
I feel like if Hitler was alive today, he would have just been like a normal nerd.

Speaker 3 It's crazy for that to just. Jonathan Honey.
Oh, man. Come on, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Lemaire.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Maga Dogali.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. I mean, now this is, this is nothing.

Speaker 2 People bring this up to me. I'm like, dude, enough about it.
There's no fucking murderer.

Speaker 1 This is five, 20 people. People within two years, I suppose, 20, 22, 23, 24.

Speaker 1 Although, dude, I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 That's a great amount of people in two years.

Speaker 4 It's crazy that this is still open, but like the one guy jumped off the balcony at the Orlando airport that we talked about and they closed the balconies at the entire airport.

Speaker 3 My favorite airport and my favorite hotel, the Hyatt, in the fucking Orlando airport.

Speaker 3 They closed it off because a couple years ago, TSA agent finished his shift, then checked into the hotel, then jumped off the balcony onto the people waiting to go through security.

Speaker 4 TSA. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A bit of an artist himself as well.

Speaker 2 There's a sort of like romance to that. Like just wanting to just destroy a line as a TSA agent, being like, fuck these people.
I'm going to just land on five of them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I agree with you, but I would be more on board with him if he did it at the start of a shift. Do you like it? Why don't you do it when you just finished?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Do you think on the way down, something caught his eye and he's like, Man, laptop albums?

Speaker 1 Shoots out of the bin.

Speaker 1 He was yelling and he, um, God, this is already stupid.

Speaker 1 I forgot to clock out.

Speaker 1 Flat.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I mean, I think it's considered he did it at the end because if he did it at the beginning of the shift, then they would be down.
There'd be even longer line to get through TSA.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't know.
You sound like a real loser.

Speaker 3 It's like, you're done, man. Go home.

Speaker 2 They would have been like, we're having it. We need another guy to come here and frown next to a machine now.

Speaker 1 Get over here. All messing with us to backhand kids' balls.

Speaker 4 It's just like a rudy swan diving out the fucking hotel.

Speaker 3 That's got to be tantalizing, though, when you're on the ledge debating whether or not to jump into the airport vestibule and there's like a kid in a a mini costume it's like i could squish this menu so hard right now

Speaker 2 moving target yeah you'd have to like angle it too be like if i fall 9.8 meters per second squared yeah you'd have to roll

Speaker 2 i didn't know you with velocity like that oh yeah dude that was the only thing i remember from physics 9.8 meters per second squared i think it's the speed of gravity you always been a velocity guy it's a speed of gravity actually i think 9.8 meters per second squared is yeah it's the amount things accelerate what you peek at if you're dropping out of a plane terminal velocity right yeah yeah you're right right that's velocity right i have a velocity head i guess was this college physics high school physics high school physics damn dude speed of gravity certified velociraptor

Speaker 4 yeah you don't remember that from physics 9.8 the only thing i remember from physics class the guy the teacher was like don't drive fast in the rain you'll slip on the leaves this episode is brought to you by zip recruiter matt i'm constantly looking for car keys phone chapstick glasses

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Speaker 4 That's all it was.

Speaker 1 That's all I learned. At least that's useful.

Speaker 1 Did your mom teach physics?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it sounds like it. This guy, Mr.
Hassan, fucking giant hair, man.

Speaker 1 It's pretty awesome. Dude, our physics teacher in high school was like,

Speaker 1 he would sit down at the desk, not look up during a test, and literally everybody would pass around the smartest person's tests. We would offer the same answers and get the same grade.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 Ruled.

Speaker 2 Who was your driver's ed teacher?

Speaker 1 I forget his name, Shaw, man.

Speaker 2 Okay, I was hoping you had the lady I had. We were both in school in Delaware.
So I had this lady who was like doctor. She was a doctor of education.
She taught driver's ed, and she was.

Speaker 2 I'm a doctor.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Fucking what? Yeah, a doctor of having a steering wheel on both sides of the fucking car.
Who doesn't have

Speaker 2 a doctor of education? I would never call it.

Speaker 2 I forget her last name. She wanted to call us doctor, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what is a pitch fuck at? What do you have? A P-H-R-O-A-D?

Speaker 1 The same person who taught me driver's ed also taught my mother. Really? I can't be spelling this early in the morning.

Speaker 1 It took me a minute.

Speaker 2 I laughed before I understood it. And I was like, I'm just going to give on Faith.
And I'm like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm more of a visual learner, honestly.

Speaker 2 I had, so you were Delaware because Delaware had that like long, drawn-out permit process. Yeah, I'd been on it.
I was like, I've been graduated thing or whatever.

Speaker 2 I was on PA, so I was already on the road. So this lady was in my face, like, and I was like, take it easy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't even need you, bitch.

Speaker 2 We were like driving like a married couple. I'd be like, all right, I'm good.
She'd be like,

Speaker 1 I am not retarded.

Speaker 1 Jesus, can I drive?

Speaker 2 Although I'm a bit of a hawk when I'm a passenger, I'm always kind of looking like, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 You're too hawks.

Speaker 1 Do you hawk him?

Speaker 3 Dude, it's brutal. Even the other night, we just got to fucking Austin and it's so nice out.
I'm just trying to enjoy. I'm enjoying traffic because Texas is cool.

Speaker 4 Nobody enjoys traffic. Dude, he was like, I'm vibing.

Speaker 1 We were in the right lane.

Speaker 1 We had four more stoplights to go through. And I'm like, you know, you can.
zoom past all this. He's like, I'm vibing.
And he had the biggest shit-eating grin on his fucking face.

Speaker 1 No way that's making me boil. Next to us, it says,

Speaker 4 and we're going straight. It was funny, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was doing it. But he was vibing, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's the worst driver I've ever seen in my life. Well, suck my dick while you're at it.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 2 Is it just like not you want more aggression out of him or do you want more less aggression? What? So then he vibed in traffic.

Speaker 1 Big-time brake slammer.

Speaker 1 It was bound to come out at some point. Let's wait till we get on Matt.

Speaker 1 Our 5,000 Patreon goal is going to be for him to retake Driver's Ed. I haven't called him yet until now.
I thought we reached a break.

Speaker 3 When we were in Chicago,

Speaker 3 we went to, what's the big park there that everybody goes to?

Speaker 1 Oh, Millennium.

Speaker 1 Millennium Park.

Speaker 3 We went there and I drove the whole weekend, by the way, but I parked in the underground parking garage.

Speaker 1 This is the thanks you get, too.

Speaker 3 Dude, Matt, I parked next to a car. There were a ton of open spaces.
I'll give him that, but I parked next to a car.

Speaker 1 The only car.

Speaker 1 The only other car.

Speaker 4 That's an understatement, Mike. It was an empty parking lot.
It was an empty garage with

Speaker 2 the driver gets to pick the parking spot.

Speaker 1 I thought it was a lot of spots.

Speaker 2 Driver picks parking spots. My wife does that to me.
I'll put one parking lot.

Speaker 2 There's a spot here. And I'm like, I'm definitely not parking there now that you brought that up.

Speaker 1 We're walking a mile.

Speaker 1 We're walking a mile now. He parked so close to the only other car in the parking lot that I couldn't even open my door all the way.

Speaker 4 So funny.

Speaker 3 Josh, when you do the show notes, can you put down both their first names as Judas?

Speaker 4 I think it's a great pitch.

Speaker 1 I thought it was a very funny thing.

Speaker 2 It could have been like there's other cars. You're filming.
It's like you want to form the fucking block.

Speaker 1 I don't even want to try to get into his mind space.

Speaker 2 Did you protest parking so close to the only other car in the parking garage? Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What was your logic there? Or did you say, shut up?

Speaker 1 I just liked it. Like,

Speaker 1 that was a spot.

Speaker 3 Do you know how when you pull into a parking lot, there are spots that call to you? It's like, all right, this, I like this. I like the car next to me.

Speaker 3 We're going to be able to get out and then we're going to be able to go to the park together.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 I didn't think it was an issue.

Speaker 2 And the strength of numbers. If someone, if there's a thief amongst a lot, that driver could come back and be like, hey, get out of there.
There's my fellow car owner.

Speaker 3 That, and I was also thinking strength and numbers in regards to a car's Disney Pixar Cars aspect, where if there was any car beef, ours could team up with the car next to him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we have a little alliance. That's exactly the mind space I did not want to get into.

Speaker 1 So why do you you always drive?

Speaker 2 Why, why are you the wheel man?

Speaker 3 Because they like to party.

Speaker 3 And I'm a good friend.

Speaker 2 You got a couple of drunks yelling at you the whole time?

Speaker 1 I never usually, yeah, I'm fine with driving before I drink.

Speaker 1 John's vocal about it.

Speaker 4 John will be vocal about it. I'll be quiet and then I'll get alone with John.
Like, I know, right? That was for the conversation.

Speaker 1 Motherfucker, man. What? I appreciate it so much, dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I bet you do.

Speaker 1 Sounds like it.

Speaker 2 Beown Kin, man.

Speaker 2 Damn, that's fucked. Thank you, John.

Speaker 1 You're nice and relaxed.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm vibing, man.

Speaker 2 Pulling into traffic and vibing is a sweet move.

Speaker 1 It was so nice.

Speaker 3 It was the only time we faced traffic when we were here, but still, it wasn't bad. It's just we're on the bridge, the sun's setting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was beautiful.

Speaker 4 We were talking about the skyline being how beautiful it is here in Austin.

Speaker 3 The bats were under us.

Speaker 1 Yep. You know, it was a good place to be in traffic, but still, no one was there.

Speaker 4 Good place to vibe.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Traffic is everyone's number one enemy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my wife does that. She'll do that to me, though, where she's like, you can pass this car.
And I'm like, I know. I've totally been zoning out for 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I know I can. All right.

Speaker 2 Don't worry about what I'm doing. You just sit there.

Speaker 2 I'll seriously wait three minutes and be like, I'm going to move over here now.

Speaker 2 This is my deficiency. When I'm told what to do like that,

Speaker 1 I just fucking freak. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Going the opposite.

Speaker 1 And that's what the case was when I said, we could not be in traffic. That just made you smile and be like, we're going to be in traffic even more now.

Speaker 1 I hope this traffic never fucking ends.

Speaker 3 I hope you fucking die in this car, man.

Speaker 1 I'm the boss.

Speaker 1 I am sorry, but I will not stop.

Speaker 1 That could be. I'm a bad backseat driver.
Oh, you're right. You weren't in the backseat.

Speaker 1 Well, same term.

Speaker 1 Yes. It's something in me that I would like to fix.

Speaker 3 You're a bad friend.

Speaker 1 It has nothing to do with backseat driving. Those dudes in the lake could just be just getting...

Speaker 2 Maybe their babes are chirping while they're driving. They're like, oh, man.

Speaker 1 Michael Douglas falling down and just fall right in the river. I'm cataballing him.

Speaker 2 She's trying to land on like a rock.

Speaker 1 You don't know how to swim. I know.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.
You're drowning in the lake and your wife's like, babe, can I get the keys?

Speaker 1 Babe, babe, babe.

Speaker 3 Oh, fuck. I forgot to give them to her.
Shit.

Speaker 2 That sucks when you fuck something up.

Speaker 2 I do not like when I do that. If I like fuck, like, if I

Speaker 2 leave the garage door open, I do it all the time. And I'll try to be like, dude, I like, I kind of like just having like my garage door open.
It's kind of chill.

Speaker 2 Yeah. She's like, dude, someone could dig in and take any stuff.
And I'm like, yeah, but it's like kind of chill to have that thing open like that. It cools the garage down.

Speaker 2 I get filled with dread. As soon as I get something pointed out that I did, that's like wrong.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 That spazz. I don't know what it is.
I hate it. I get that way.

Speaker 2 I'm like, the fucking garage door malfunction as long as you hit it, it comes back up.

Speaker 3 Dude, nothing makes me more aggravated than somebody being confidently wrong. My wife is the most confidently wrong person I've ever met.

Speaker 3 And I feel like you do that when you backseat drive, when you passenger seat drive.

Speaker 1 I'm confidently wrong? Right. Because, I mean, all we have to do, we're here for seven days.

Speaker 3 There's no rush to get anywhere. And I just, oh, top of Chicago, too, it's just like, every, every parking space is an open canvas.
Why not this one?

Speaker 1 An open canvas. I think most people would agree that being still in a car when the car is not moving is the worst.

Speaker 3 You're on vacation, man.

Speaker 2 Yes. And you just had a bunch of beers.

Speaker 3 Don't tell the IRS that.

Speaker 1 I'm writing everything off.

Speaker 1 You're on a working vacation.

Speaker 2 You're scouting locations. Yeah.
That is true.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Staying still in traffic is the worst. Like, I'll drive 10 miles out of the city.

Speaker 2 That's an internal issue. You guys have an internal.
I mean, I hate traffic too, but what's the fuss?

Speaker 1 I think he's perfect. He's trying to raise my blood pressure.
He's trying to kill me. I'm trying to flare my gut back.
I'll give you some of my blood pressure medicine to bring it back down.

Speaker 2 It is such a funny thing, though, to be like, you're sitting there. You see someone else move and you're just blood pressure's like,

Speaker 1 I need to be moving. I need to be fucking.
I have the same way.

Speaker 2 I spazz. If I'm sitting there,

Speaker 2 but if I'm driving and I'm not paying attention, someone calls it out, I'm like, bro, you need to chill, dude. Take in the fucking vibes in the scene.

Speaker 1 This is a well-played move.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's much different if I had my wife and kids with me. And at that point, you know, at the end of a vacation day with your family, you're, you're full-on, you know,

Speaker 1 Thomas Crooks mode.

Speaker 3 You know, but with John and Jake, my buddies, I'm just like, look, I don't care what happens. We're having fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That is the only time I have said anything this trip. And that was day one.
I'm sorry. And you've been good.

Speaker 1 you've been way better no i swear to god you are doing way better than i expected all right well you're talking about jamming brakes and stuff yeah yeah he's where's the brake jamming dude i'm vibing and i'm jamming man

Speaker 2 do you space out when you drive yeah a little bit yeah so so do i i'm having fun man his license plate is margaritaville dude my brain's a margaritaville brother yeah i'm i'm not i space so hard while i drive this is your exit i'm like yeah i know my four lanes over like

Speaker 1 I don't think I concentrate on anything more than I concentrate on driving.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I wish I was tracking.

Speaker 1 I'm seeing the moves. I'm playing chess the entire time.
I know where that car's going to go. You're playing Connect Four.

Speaker 3 You are not that good of a driver.

Speaker 1 I'm the same way.

Speaker 4 I'm very aggressive, though, too. This is the only place I'm mean.

Speaker 1 But it's crazy.

Speaker 4 On your road. Yeah, if you're four lanes over, you're doing the Jermaine Dupree to get off the fucking exit.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Are you switching four lanes? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I sing that in my head every time I switch four lanes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just don't want to admit that I'm not paying. My wife's like, you don't pay attention.
I'm like, yeah, I do. You're just fucking, you overpay attention.
And then I'll

Speaker 2 just fucking being weird about it.

Speaker 1 Classic wife argument. You overpay attention.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I'll just be like, yeah, I know.

Speaker 4 Dude, I'm the worst with my wife in the car when she's driving.

Speaker 1 We'll be turning. We'll be.

Speaker 4 She'll have the turn signal on to turn down our street. I'll be, you want to make a left?

Speaker 4 Like, it's so bad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How controlling I am.

Speaker 3 But wife driving is much different. Dude, there are many times where you have to save them from themselves.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 sometimes you catch them red-handed when it'll be like, there's just a car five feet. You're like, yo, they're like,

Speaker 1 oh my God, I didn't even see, what the hell is it doing?

Speaker 2 It's like, it was stopped. You were fucking.

Speaker 4 Have you ever been in the car when

Speaker 4 the woman will do, like, your wife will do the thing where they don't let people merge in, like at an intersection? Ah, when they're stuck at a long stop line.

Speaker 2 And they're like, no.

Speaker 4 There's a one cross street. And they're like, clearly they're waiting.
They're being polite and they're starting to inch out a little bit.

Speaker 4 They're not aggressive about it, yeah, yeah, but then you just see them just kind of like roll forward,

Speaker 4 and you're stuck there at the passenger seat.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm sorry, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've definitely probably been involved in one of those.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what the fuck are you doing? Let them in.

Speaker 3 Yeah, every lady's car should come equipped with like a driving-wheel stick that you can control from the passenger seat.

Speaker 1 Maybe a second stick to control the gas. Like a driver's joking stick, yeah.

Speaker 2 I told her I want to get a break on the passenger side, dude.

Speaker 2 Just because I don't know what it is. She accelerates.
She'll see brake brake lights. And she's like, I'm not accelerating.
I'm just not braking.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I can feel my body moving faster than it was.

Speaker 1 You're a velocity guy.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 2 I'm like, we're speeding up. No, we're not.

Speaker 1 And it's like, dude,

Speaker 2 God. Yeah, that's a tough one.
The ladies driving, man, is

Speaker 2 it's a tough one.

Speaker 1 Dude, I think whoever is fine.

Speaker 3 Who was the Will Smith doctor who studied CTE?

Speaker 1 I forget.

Speaker 3 Will Smith should also study lady brains when they're dead and done driving.

Speaker 1 You got a good driver on your hands yeah well you've been probably using her into shape the whole time like what the fuck are you doing with the fucking baby vibing

Speaker 1 and jamming and fiving and jamming

Speaker 1 now i will still yeah give you know pointers to my lady every once in a while but yeah tips and tricks yeah that's maybe one percent of the time these days that's not bad drastically lowered yeah because i've i've experienced the worst

Speaker 1 and once you once you experience the worst you know it ain't so bad yeah

Speaker 2 i've cooled out i used to be an aggressive driver now i'm i'm very chill everyone on the road is on my team we're all trying to get to the same place yeah not racing what are you i can rage i i've rate i raged not too long ago what are you doing in the left lane over 80 or around 80

Speaker 2 it is what it is bro i'm not

Speaker 2 i drived in jersey for a long time and jerseys jersey heads are so spazzed out about PA plates not going fast enough in the left lane that I've been like, fuck off, guys.

Speaker 2 So I actually, I had like a beef with the whole state of New Jersey there for a while while I lived there and it was just kind of like, yeah, I don't care. Fucking pass me if you want to pass me.

Speaker 1 I don't go that slow.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to go like 50. Right.
But if someone high beams me, I'm like, well, now we're all going very slow for a very long time.

Speaker 1 That happened to me. I'll give a gentle

Speaker 1 double flip on the high beams every once in a while.

Speaker 2 If it's, I get it.

Speaker 1 But if there's space for me to just go around, I'd do that. I'm out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Somebody did that the other day, and I was close to the car in front of me, and that car was close to the car in front of them, and a guy's non-stop, over and over on my ass.

Speaker 1 And now I'm like, this is war.

Speaker 1 And I tried to box a man with a fucking truck.

Speaker 1 I tried to murder him and his family.

Speaker 1 Follow him to his house.

Speaker 2 My road rage was for real, like really bad.

Speaker 1 Like, I used to get like, like,

Speaker 2 the worst I've ever had was one time a guy did something. He just wasn't paying attention.
We're in like 95, so we're all moving pretty fast. So everything's kind of heightened.

Speaker 2 And he like came into my lane, and I was wronged. And I was like, how dare you? So I like sped up to just, you know, get, get what was mine.
So I wanted to eye contact and like maybe a little apology.

Speaker 1 So I pulled up. Maybe a little handgun in your mouth.
Yeah, true. Your head off.

Speaker 4 I pulled up on him and get like visual confirmation.

Speaker 2 I'm like, bro, what the fuck was that? And he gave me like, whatever.

Speaker 1 And I was like, fair enough.

Speaker 2 And I started to slowly, because he was like, it was my lane. It was a two-lane kind of thing.
Or maybe I was in the middle. He was in like the right lane.

Speaker 2 So, I started like, and there was just not a lot of like shoulder next to him. So, I started just matching his speed and slowly getting his lane.
It wasn't until he was like, oh,

Speaker 1 satisfied.

Speaker 1 It was psycho, it was real psychotic. You're mad, mad.
Yeah, I'm mad mad at him.

Speaker 2 It was, this was years and years and years ago. And I was like, I remember pulling away being like, I think he had a kid in the car.

Speaker 1 I was like, that was pretty bad. Oh, man.
Now, how forgiving would you, Andrew?

Speaker 3 Yeah, how forgiving are you if somebody does that shit, but when you pull up to make eye contact, they're like

Speaker 1 totally.

Speaker 2 And when I wrong people on the road, they pull up, I go, dude, that was totally my bad. I fucked up.
I go, that was my bad. I fucked up.

Speaker 3 I hang my asshole out the window.

Speaker 1 Take it.

Speaker 3 Token of appreciation.

Speaker 1 I don't flash bird anymore. I don't give anybody the finger.
If I'm angry at somebody,

Speaker 1 for a second, I was like,

Speaker 1 all right, fuck. I didn't know you were ripping like that.
I'm sorry. I'm having a stroke.
Where's my booster seat?

Speaker 1 Sit on a hemorrhoid pillow and it's dead.

Speaker 1 Just get out the window.

Speaker 3 Dude, that one is one of the worst parts about having a little dick is you can't fucking wiggle it at him in traffic.

Speaker 1 All depends on the weather.

Speaker 2 If you hit him with a tenis, I'd be like, that's aggressive.

Speaker 1 You got your wife holding the wheel

Speaker 1 in the back.

Speaker 4 Showing your peas out of rage is actually way more.

Speaker 1 If I was like, fuck, Jesus Christ, just having a little grape pop out of the sunroof just

Speaker 1 I will now, if somebody is driving like a dickhead and they're passing me and we've been engaged in a little bit of back and forth anger, I will either give them like a thumbs up or a thumbs down.

Speaker 2 Either one is. Thumbs down would devastate me.

Speaker 1 Yes, it's way more hurtful than a finger and a thumbs up, the sarcastic. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Nice one, brother.

Speaker 1 You're doing so good on the road.

Speaker 3 Now, dude, if you had a road rage incident where it was clear, it was popping off, you both pulled over, when you got out of the car, would you let your ponytail out?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would take all my jewelry off. No, i would i would spear the person immediately you'd tie it up start

Speaker 2 well dude my dad's convinced that like dudes with ponytails are like badasses because in the 70s he's like oh that guy's got a ponytail i'll stab you yeah i don't think i have that kind of ponytail vibe yeah no no one has it anymore

Speaker 3 karate appropriated they used to be karate based yeah that makes sense no i think karate was the startup of those guys and it's like at that time they did have some cachet whereas now it's you got a bunch of these running around

Speaker 1 and bikers.

Speaker 1 Bikers and karate guys.

Speaker 2 That was probably bikers at pain. Like, yeah, I just pulled back.

Speaker 1 And they have a fucking knife in their belt for sure. They will stab you.
Do you carry a weapon? No, not anymore.

Speaker 2 You got that weapons charge up in New York. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ever since then, I've been very weary of having a knife on me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What did they hit you with? Was that a misdemeanor?

Speaker 1 Class five misdemeanor, something like that?

Speaker 2 For having that thing on having the hawker.

Speaker 1 For having the damn fucking chopper, letting the chopper sink. That's fucked up.
Dude, I had a pipe for a while.

Speaker 4 A pipe? I had a pipe in my car. I never used it.
I just like, my friend gave it to me and they said it as a joke. I was like, yeah, you know what? I will fucking hang on to this.

Speaker 2 Do you ever just rip it every now and again while you're driving?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's a nice feeling. One time I own a chestnut, like me and this guy, we were going into the city and this dude cut me off.

Speaker 4 I did the same thing where I pulled up the side to him, kind of give him a look. And I was behind a cop.
And he's perfect. I put my window down because I'm like, this guy's such a piece of shit.

Speaker 4 I'm going to say something to him. And he's like, yeah, you're not going to say something because the cop's there.

Speaker 4 And I'm like, whoa, what the fuck and then I just start saying something I just like we just start fucking yapping at each other and then about five minutes later we're still going down chestnut towards center city uh like from like west west Philly and uh I see him pull up next to the cop and then he kind of runs through the light and two seconds later the cop turns on the sidelines I'm like, got his ass.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's awesome.

Speaker 4 Instead, the cop got me. Oh, and I see his ass stop about 60 feet ahead of me, break in the middle of the street, watching me get pulled over.

Speaker 4 And the cop walks up. He's like,

Speaker 4 Did you flash a gun at that guy?

Speaker 1 What? I'm like, what? No, I don't have a gun. I don't want to put a roof of a red light.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he said to the cop that I had a gun in my car.

Speaker 1 So he was running from you, is what his excuse was. Yes.
Genius.

Speaker 4 So I'm fucking

Speaker 4 teased me over, and I'm like, no, dude, I don't have a gun.

Speaker 4 I was like, you can search my car.

Speaker 1 And I wasn't going to be able to get it.

Speaker 3 I found 13 hot pocket wrappers, but no gun.

Speaker 1 This is like what I was doing.

Speaker 1 He's well, he's like, God damn, dude.

Speaker 1 You've been operating a microwave in this vehicle.

Speaker 4 How do you have it connected to the smoke charger?

Speaker 3 It's like you hollered out the glove box and it's just a fucking microwave.

Speaker 2 It was Edorian, but just microwaves.

Speaker 1 But yeah.

Speaker 2 So wait, he told you he had a gun?

Speaker 4 He told him I had a gun, and I was so pissed off. And I told the cop he could search my car.

Speaker 4 And as soon as I did, I realized I was like doing, I was on my way to a sketch rehearsal at like that thing across the street. I had a fake gun in my backseat.

Speaker 4 I swear to God, I didn't flash it.

Speaker 1 But I was like, yeah, you can search my car.

Speaker 4 And then I was like, oh my God. And the the guy was just like, fuck, man.
All right. And then he just let me go.
Oh, he didn't go through.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank God. Did he go to try to get the other guy for lying about?

Speaker 4 No, I think he just knew that it was some dumb dispute between two young idiots and just like, dude.

Speaker 3 What if you looked through all your improv shit and you saw like a man-sized baby bonnet?

Speaker 4 Just a big spanking paddle. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck, that must have been scary. How was it like an orange cap gone or did it look kind of real?

Speaker 4 I think it was an orange cap, but we took it off because of the fucking show. So we're like, oh,

Speaker 1 You scratched it off the cereal.

Speaker 1 Fake seat.

Speaker 2 Made in China. Yeah.

Speaker 4 It shoots Pez.

Speaker 1 That almost became the best possible revenge prank that a guy's epoch. You actually had a fucking fake gun in the car.

Speaker 4 I actually had a fake handgun in the car. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Insane.

Speaker 2 And you didn't wave that thing at him. No, I swear to God.

Speaker 1 That is so funny.

Speaker 2 Like, I'll murder you, motherfucker.

Speaker 4 Dude, I had the pipe down here. I was ready to go with the pipe if that fucking came to be.

Speaker 2 Was it gun in your trunk or was it in the back seat?

Speaker 4 No, it was just sitting in the back seat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. On like a pile of clothes.

Speaker 4 It It was like a Walmart bag with a bunch of shit just stuffed in it because I was like running late to the fucking thing.

Speaker 2 If he saw that gun, you would have gotten like aggravated. Even if you wave a fake gun, I think you get in trouble.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. I think it's felony, right?

Speaker 1 When it's in a car.

Speaker 2 Fake gun.

Speaker 3 Now, to this point, Jake recently got shot by a bunch of teenagers with

Speaker 7 an airsoft gun.

Speaker 1 Yes, I did.

Speaker 3 Could they have been also charged with aggravated assault?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they get charged. If you hit someone with a BB gun, you get airsoft or was it BB gun?

Speaker 4 I think it was airsoft.

Speaker 1 It didn't hurt. Why did you get why are they shooting?

Speaker 4 I was leaving in an Italian comedy night in the middle of fucking Delaware. It's like, kill me.

Speaker 4 And I'm like walking back, and I could, you know, you just feel the group of kids in the car pull up, and I'm like, something's happening here.

Speaker 4 And then I hear,

Speaker 4 and I just feel a little like smacking on my kind of sting.

Speaker 2 If you're close enough, this thing's kind of staying.

Speaker 4 I had to like walk and act like it didn't hurt. I was like, I don't notice anything.
Getting around the corner and they fucking pull off.

Speaker 1 I'm like, why would they do that to me?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's scary.

Speaker 3 And they're at the fence. You are the person to shoot with an eye.

Speaker 1 I'm the biggest target. Yes.

Speaker 4 I'm like beginner level for that shit.

Speaker 1 They've fired that many shots.

Speaker 4 Yeah, probably.

Speaker 2 You can get automatic ones. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They made the AK now. You can get the airsoft AK and just be like, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 4 I was walking in front of a storefront, so I was hearing it hit the glass a bunch, too.

Speaker 1 Like, uh-huh.

Speaker 3 Jake, would you think about getting a tattoo on the places where you were shot? Like Tupac?

Speaker 1 I would do it. Yeah.
Do a little tear breath.

Speaker 2 Did it actually hurt or did it just?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 4 it didn't even sting.

Speaker 1 Just upsetting. Yeah.

Speaker 4 More like a flick. Yeah.
Just like, come on, guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't shoot me.

Speaker 3 Now, would you rather be airsoft shot or get hit with eggs from a bunch of kids?

Speaker 1 Airsoft shot. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Dude, yeah, I told you that. That happened to me, too.
Hit with eggs.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Same thing. It wasn't in Delaware, wasn't it?

Speaker 4 It was in...

Speaker 4 Delco. I was at an open mic.
And it wasn't me. Standing on the corner talking to a comic.

Speaker 1 You know, it wasn't you.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 a car of teenagers drives by and like, they're probably from like me to Josh away. And I hear them stop the car at the intersection and go, do it, do it, do it.

Speaker 4 And like, we look and they just start throwing eggs, like probably six eggs at us. And they miss, it's like that scene in pulp fiction.
They missed every time and they hit this business behind us.

Speaker 1 I was like, how do you miss?

Speaker 1 But yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you ever thrown eggs at anybody?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's fun.

Speaker 1 I mean, you got to get to humans at some point. You start with houses, then moving cars, and then it's like the most dangerous game, baby.
I'm making humans now. I got to hit a human.

Speaker 1 The saddest people walking on bridges.

Speaker 1 Standing on that ledge of the bridge. I've gotten my karma back multiple times.
What'd you hit with eggs? I got hit with like every kind of fucking milkshake in Newark, Delaware.

Speaker 1 I'd be riding my skateboard to work. Get hit with a milkshake.
Bro, and people are just out of a truck throwing giant cups of red fucking liquid at me,

Speaker 1 hitting me with the F word on the way out.

Speaker 1 So, like, I got it so many times, like three times on the same shot. That's a lot.
That's a lot.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you think while you're walking, having those kind of experiences, you'd have more appreciation for somebody driving you?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You really would.

Speaker 2 True, man. You'd be getting pegged with fucking Slurpees and shit.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you, nobody's fucking egging either one of these dickheads when I'm driving.

Speaker 1 Just getting shot, egged. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I've, uh, we, we egged people one time and, like, this is when I learned we're too old for it because we, like, egged these guys, and then they, like, chased us and found us.
We were the same.

Speaker 2 We were all, like, 20. And we're like, oh.

Speaker 1 Did you throw eggs at us? And we're like, no.

Speaker 2 It was like, I think they were honestly a year younger than us because they like came up on us and we were like, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 We'll beat your ass. And I was like, we're 20.

Speaker 4 We don't do that.

Speaker 2 Because we were just young enough. We couldn't go to the bars.
So we were just egging people who were like, maybe they were a little bit older than us.

Speaker 2 They made like 21 because they came out of the bar and we were just like, pop, pop, pop, pop, and ran away. And they came up.

Speaker 1 They're like, did you stole some fucking eggs?

Speaker 2 My one friend had an egg in his pocket. What's that from? My friend was like, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 I'll kick your eggs. I was making an omelette early.
This is my lucky way.

Speaker 2 He's like, I was just bringing this around. They were like, then they just realized, like, damn, there's like five of these fucking morons here.
There's two of us.

Speaker 1 They can beat us. And you were on foot.
You weren't even in a car.

Speaker 4 That's crazy, dude.

Speaker 2 We pegged the New Jersey trolley or the Ocean City trolley one time. I've talked about this before, but it was the funniest thing ever, man.
We had my cousin ride it.

Speaker 2 So we had an inside man, and then when it stopped,

Speaker 2 tell us what happens. And we just got in and it was like tomatoes, eggs, all kinds of just like food, bombed this trolley with all kinds of food.
My cousin said it was like the craziest shit.

Speaker 1 Just watching people like, ah! Now, how is he communicating?

Speaker 3 Did he have a wire?

Speaker 1 No, no, we just knew the route.

Speaker 2 We knew it came by every so many minutes. So he caught it like a few blocks up, rode it.
And then when he got off, like, come on, he tried to get some guys together, like, come chase us.

Speaker 2 He's like, Come on, let's go get those guys. And then, at the last second, he said they kind of were like, Just old black ladies with their groceries.

Speaker 1 Was it on the boardwalk?

Speaker 1 No, damn.

Speaker 2 No, it was on like the ocean drive. So, it wasn't on the boardwalk.
It was like this little trolley that would take people like down to the boardwalk and back.

Speaker 1 You had an escape route, and we ran right to the beach. Was he hit at all?

Speaker 2 No, he didn't get hit. Okay, he said, We caught there, was one guy.
We all ended up aiming. So, we were like, What did you hit?

Speaker 1 What did you hit? Wow, wow. You all, sorry, I shouldn't say his name.
Please, my cousin's name out of that time.

Speaker 1 Plead my cousin's name out of that time.

Speaker 2 He was like, you guys all apparently we aimed for the same dude. This guy was like all decked out and he was dressed.
He had like double earrings on.

Speaker 2 He was like, he was one of those guys that he was like way, way too into his outfit.

Speaker 1 We fucking nailed it.

Speaker 2 Everyone like either hit him or came close to him. It was a pair that we all like, that guy never just threw their shit at this point.

Speaker 1 We hate that guy the most.

Speaker 2 Wes. Yeah, you guys fucking lit that one guy up and the rest of the shit just like hit the sides.

Speaker 1 Sorry,

Speaker 1 I think I said his name again. Bleed that

Speaker 1 your boy had to take one.

Speaker 2 Like, it was. I don't think he got touched all the time.

Speaker 1 Only one guy got it, but if everybody except your boy had gotten it, he's on the trolley and like one stop in, he puts on a poncho,

Speaker 2 checks a watch. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm a big Gallagher fan.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's it would be, I mean, now it's like I would never, that'd be crazy if you're like trying to like do something.

Speaker 2 If I was just like bopping around during the day, like, all right, I gotta do this. Fuck it.

Speaker 1 And an egg just hit me across the side of the head. Well, I would lose my mind.
Matt, are you familiar with Brian Pumper, Adult Shuffle?

Speaker 2 Yes, yes, I am.

Speaker 1 He got egged egged recently. I heard, man.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, there's a podcast. It's all in the Adam or whatever, No Jumper podcast.
He interviews Nat Turner, which is Brian Pumper's, I guess, like Jumper.

Speaker 1 It's the funniest name.

Speaker 2 But he talks about Pumper, and Pumper was like a disgraced porn star who egged him.

Speaker 3 Director of the Three Fifths Compromise.

Speaker 1 Nat Turner. Did he really win? No.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 2 But I'm not convinced Brian Pumper made the Three Fists. No.

Speaker 3 But I'm not convinced that Brian Pumper wasn't setting it up for views.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You think he got egged for views?

Speaker 3 I think he's been doing it to people, and then they caught him, so this might have reignited people's attention on his channel.

Speaker 2 He's been egging people online? Yes. Do you know why he got kicked off of like out of the porn industry or kicked out of the porn industry? No.

Speaker 2 He was prowling the subways, I believe, in New York City, and he would just like press up on, not like, well, I mean, I guess he'd press up on ladies and be like, yo, I guess you'd find ladies who are kind of hard up and be like, I'm going to give you some cash.

Speaker 2 I'm going to film.

Speaker 2 I'm going to fuck you on camera. And he was saying he was testing.
He was like just sending in content being like, yeah, I tested, like, we're tested with porn stars.

Speaker 2 And he was just like, fucking ladies are all off the rip. And then he'd go do regular porno shoots.
And they were just like, bro, you're out. He got, he just got like blacklisted forever.

Speaker 2 They're very serious about testing and pornography. I learned from the Nat Turnher interview.

Speaker 1 There was a lady.

Speaker 3 I went to Exotica this year with Shaner. And there was a lady.

Speaker 3 What the fuck is her name? She's the Gang Bang queen. I don't know if you're familiar with her.

Speaker 1 That's her legal name. Yes.

Speaker 3 What's her stage name? I can't think of her name, but she's got that condition where

Speaker 3 your skin, in her case, it's her asshole and pussy, are completely white. Is it in Patego?

Speaker 2 Something like that, yeah.

Speaker 3 Something like that. But she was like offering fans to gangbang her if they had proper testing.

Speaker 4 She's an albino.

Speaker 1 At the exotica.

Speaker 1 Yeah, at exotica. But they are.
Listen, you could have fucked a porn star that day. Anybody could have if they went and got tested.

Speaker 3 If you had the proper testing that you were.

Speaker 1 And it didn't matter what you

Speaker 1 looked like. She wasn't being picky.
Dude, she was. When did she come back?

Speaker 1 Probably November.

Speaker 4 You enter your name on a wheel and you just spin it.

Speaker 2 My thing with testing, what if your test is from like three days ago and then you just like had like gay sex under a bridge?

Speaker 3 And I'm sure there's a lot of people that are fudging results too.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like what if you got a horny guy that's just really good at Photoshop?

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like that testing has to be on site for it to be trustworthy.

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Speaker 1 Oh, she needs a little doctor. Yeah.
A little doctor fella next to her.

Speaker 3 She was also making sure that guys weren't crossing their fingers behind their backs.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm reading a book right now.

Speaker 2 I'm on a big autobiography kick, and this one is the autobiography of a guy in like, I think like the 80s in New York City. It's called Electro Boy.
But it's probably a guy who just has

Speaker 2 bipolar. He's like manic depressive, but he was more so just manic.
And it was, he was telling his story when he was in New York City in the 80s. Yeah, he had some money.

Speaker 2 He's like working for like this art house. And he just, he couldn't say no to anything.
Like anything he came across, he'd be like, yeah, everything was totally impulsive.

Speaker 2 And it's just a story of him just like completely pigging on every single vice imaginable. It's the funniest fucking, dude.
It's, he'll just like be sitting there. He can never sleep either.

Speaker 2 He just lays there awake all night and he's like, fine, I'll get hookers. And then he just like walks down

Speaker 1 and twists my arm

Speaker 2 and then he'll like just look at stuff. And he says in the time he was younger, he's just attracted to, he's just, he says he's omnisexual.

Speaker 2 He goes, dude, I would like see my own reflection in the mirror and be like, fuck, nice. And he would see like a strong guy and be like, dude, that guy would fuck the shit out of my girl.

Speaker 2 He is just like, he is just the horniest guy. possible who he's just always on a manic fucking rush.
And then like he would call escorts and they'd be like couples.

Speaker 2 So, sometimes he would just go there and, like, he was like, there's like escorts where you just watch a dude just like bang his wife. Then, like, he would like suck her nipples later.

Speaker 1 Like, he was like explaining all this stuff.

Speaker 2 And then, and then I think he'd probably bang her too. Then he's like, I went, I think, if I'm remembering it correctly, he like, someone said, like, it was another couples thing.

Speaker 2 He gets there, just a dude. He's like, you want to smoke crack with me and jerk off? And he's like, yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 Dude, just wouldn't say no to anything. It was insane.

Speaker 1 This is the Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man. It is.

Speaker 1 Way hornier.

Speaker 1 i saw that movie in costa rica and it was called si senor

Speaker 2 do you want the jerk off of me and smoke corrector

Speaker 2 but this the story is insane he ends up getting involved in art forgery for the same reason the lady's like we should start forging this guy's artwork and he's like yeah definitely and he just

Speaker 1 does it he's like oh what did i do

Speaker 2 I'm almost out of the book, but

Speaker 2 it's fun to read.

Speaker 1 That's That's not going to be the first book I've read in the

Speaker 1 community for sure.

Speaker 2 I get it. Look, it's pretty gritty.
There's a lot of details in there that I can see people being like,

Speaker 2 it's like I was reading it alone in a hotel room, like, God damn, bro. It becomes a maelstripper out of nowhere.

Speaker 3 Do you, do you ever have an inkling that a bad boy phase is about to come out of you?

Speaker 2 I had a bad boy phase. My bad boy phase.
I mean, it's like

Speaker 2 it's gone, but hopefully it's, you know, it's always there. But no, I fight it, man.
A bad boy phase would just destroy my family right now, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you frosted your tips and got an earring, family's done, dude.

Speaker 3 He's pissing on the toilet seat.

Speaker 2 Told myself I would never smoke crack and jerk off with a guy.

Speaker 4 Matt, is that a puka shell necklace?

Speaker 1 Talking in.

Speaker 2 No, I keep it pretty.

Speaker 2 It's one of the greatest struggles of my life of like, like, how much of your, you know, sensory

Speaker 2 enjoyment do you sacrifice versus how much do you indulge in? There has to be a fine line. So if you repress yourself too hard, you'll just explode.

Speaker 1 I almost lost lost my family over it. Of your sensory impulse.

Speaker 2 Dude, it's totally understandable, though.

Speaker 2 Now that I have a family and kids, I'm like, if I hear people do some crazy, wild shit and lose their family, I'm like, you made it there for a long time.

Speaker 1 That's impressive. Yeah, you hung in there.

Speaker 2 It's pretty hard not to do. It's a daily struggle not to be a disgusting, perverted creep and lose your family.

Speaker 3 Dude, the first time I did crack,

Speaker 3 I flew out to Denver to watch the Eagles play them, and I had a massive crack hangover at the game. I'm in the top deck.
I'm just, people are talking shit. The Eagles are losing five four touchdowns.

Speaker 3 And most of the game, I'm just like, I'm the biggest loser on the planet.

Speaker 1 But then I'm just like, I'm kind of the man, too.

Speaker 2 Why? Just because you did the crack?

Speaker 1 I would do my thing. Like, I think, I don't know.

Speaker 3 I might be oppositionally defiant. Yeah.
Like, if my wife says not to do something, you know, you're going to.

Speaker 1 Don't do any crack while you're in Denver. I'm going to do all the crack in Denver, bitch.

Speaker 2 You think you know everything, don't you?

Speaker 1 How did you score crack in a city you had never been to?

Speaker 3 I was down by where the uh wherever the nuggets arena is there's a brewery there and i went looking for regular ass coke uh-huh and the guy's like i don't have soft but i have hard and uh

Speaker 2 it was a gamble yeah

Speaker 3 and uh i was like all right fine and i bought maybe like a hundred bucks worth and i took it back to the hotel and i and i smashed it up as much as i could and i snorted it it was not a pleasant experience but it did do the trick Different feeling than cocaine or relatively the same

Speaker 4 crack. Yeah, you snorted cracking.

Speaker 3 I snorted it the first time. I ended up smoking crack, I think, twice.
And that was too intense.

Speaker 2 Yeah, actually, only once, Jamie, I'm not snorting.

Speaker 1 Jesus, dude. Nobody knew it for a whole month.

Speaker 2 Dude, it was too much.

Speaker 3 Too much, yeah. And it's, you know, thankfully, it didn't take, but I did love regular ass Coke.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've heard, yeah, I've heard some people say they smoke crack. That's it.

Speaker 2 It's on from then on out. It's like, well, this is all I'm doing.
So I'm glad you're able to get it and go, man.

Speaker 3 It was too much. Like, I was never a person, even though I only did it a couple of times, like, I would just stand where I was and just smoke crack until the crack was gone.

Speaker 3 And be like, I'm done with this. Yeah.
And then it was like, all right, until the next time rolled around, I was like, yeah, you want to do it again?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I think I, I bought it, I think, three times and I smoked it twice.

Speaker 2 What'd you do with the third time? Just like chuck it, boof it.

Speaker 3 No, we were at a... My buddy's house.
Like, I got burned on buying regular Coke.

Speaker 3 And then the guy, the friend of a friend was like, well, I know a guy who can get hard and i was like all right cool again

Speaker 1 for the grace of god i'm narrowly avoiding getting butt falls

Speaker 3 but we ended up he he got a bunch of it and we stood uh in his bedroom all night in a three-man circle just smoking crack i say it's funniest drug because it's y'all trying to get hard right now

Speaker 2 y'all can get hard too yeah

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 whoa whoa whoa what are you doing

Speaker 2 it is the parties on like hard drugs are so funny because i'm sure it's so fun but it's just always just like three dudes in a room just like,

Speaker 3 dude. It was nothing, man, because eventually like his girlfriend kept trying to get him to come out of the room.

Speaker 3 She was hanging out downstairs and they were whispering the entire time, which really creeped me out. And he just would not leave.

Speaker 3 He was whisper arguing with this poor lady who apparently wanted us out of the fucking house. Yeah.
That makes sense. Like, no, I'm smoking crack with my bros in my bedroom.

Speaker 1 Dude, we're standing in a circle and you got to shut the fuck up about it. Babe, come here now.
We talked about this.

Speaker 2 That's crazy.

Speaker 4 Dude, remember when we were in Florida and we were at that motel, Aileen Wernos's place?

Speaker 1 We rented her room. Eileen Wernos,

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 Charlice Stewards. The monster.

Speaker 1 How was it?

Speaker 3 Disgusting, and I never want to go back.

Speaker 4 We were afraid to sit on the bed. That's how gross it was.

Speaker 2 Is that what she was like living?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Did you request her exact room number?

Speaker 1 Yeah, go give it to me. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we went down there and we were filming some stuff for like our Patreon and it started to get dark. But the plan was to stay there for the night.

Speaker 4 But dude, this motel, all the lights, as soon as sundown, all the lights in the motel turned off. Like the main office,

Speaker 4 all the rooms, the street lights. And then all of a sudden, like these dudes just roll up, these

Speaker 4 Mexican babies. Yeah.
And

Speaker 4 they set up in posts. Like this one guy is sitting underneath a lamppost, like the one lamppost that's on, just blasting Mexican music from his phone.

Speaker 4 Another guy is walking by us as we're like carrying the camera equipment back to the car, just like hands behind his back, this close to us, not talking to us, just kind of looking in our van.

Speaker 4 It was getting very

Speaker 3 might have been another bad boy meetup like we were just talking about.

Speaker 2 True, they're probably getting ready to form the circle.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you guys got hard or soft.

Speaker 1 It was hard.

Speaker 4 Mike gave your card to the guy who owned the motel, and he takes him to the room and he lets Mike, he opens the door for Mike, and then he takes off his shoes and walks into the room barefoot, showing Mike around the room.

Speaker 4 And then they called you, right? Because of the towel?

Speaker 3 That was like missing. Oh, yeah, there was a pillow missing.

Speaker 1 The pillow that we used to block the light of the window. It was just in the window.
Yeah, so you know, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But damn, they called you about the pillow, bro. I guarantee that it was a $7 pillow, too.

Speaker 1 The most disgusting piece of fabric you've ever seen. Yeah.
Like, the fact that they needed that thing so bad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So you go up and ask him, like, yo, there was like a wild ass lesbian in this place like 10 years ago. Can I stay in that place? He just knows where.
I guess people come and do it.

Speaker 3 When I called initially, they changed the room number, and I forget what it is now, but if you ask for it, they'll give it to you. And I reiterated when I got there.

Speaker 3 I was like, this is the Eileen Warno's room, right? He's like, yes. Although he was pretty Indian, so I'm not sure he understood what I was talking about.
So we might have got a random room.

Speaker 3 I think it was hers, though.

Speaker 4 It did the trick. He was not, he showed Mike the room, but his jaw was non-stop.
Like the whole time he was giving, he gave Mike a tour of a room like as big as this room.

Speaker 1 Okay. So he just kept.
This is the bed.

Speaker 4 This is the dresser.

Speaker 1 That's the first corner. That's the second corner of the room.

Speaker 4 This is the bathroom. That's the toilet.

Speaker 1 That's the thing.

Speaker 4 He was like pointing everything. Mike's like, yeah, thanks.

Speaker 2 Was he a crackhead, do you think?

Speaker 1 I think so. Yeah.
Or meth, maybe?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah, I think they were in on it.

Speaker 2 This is where she kissed her friend's pussy in the bed.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Thanks for saying that again.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. I think about that all the time.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Am I thinking about her kissed the pussy in the bed?

Speaker 1 That shows so fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 Then she choked this big truck driver and kissed her girlfriend's pussy.

Speaker 3 I don't even care if she looked like John C. Riley.

Speaker 1 Love is love.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's fucking sick. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How's your travels been? How'll be documentary in the...

Speaker 5 Oh, man.

Speaker 3 We're living life, man. And we get around.
We have fun. We got to see John Wayne Gacy's old house.
The house is different, but the property is still there. And it's a very creepy street.

Speaker 2 So what did Gacy do? What was Gacy again?

Speaker 3 Killing young boys.

Speaker 3 So, dude, he ran a construction business, and he would hire all these young boys to come and work for him. And he would kill them.
So his crawl space was full of them. His backyard was full of them.

Speaker 3 His walls were full of them.

Speaker 2 Where was he based?

Speaker 3 Chicago, a suburb. I can't remember the name of the suburb, but also far outside of Chicago.

Speaker 2 Probably easy too on a construction site to kill boys. It's like drop some shit on them.

Speaker 1 No, for real.

Speaker 1 Boy accidents all the time. Did Ocean? Did Ocean crack the ocean? I cracked the case.

Speaker 3 Yeah, how was your little brother killed? It was a terrible boy accident.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 10 sheets of drywall dropped on his side.

Speaker 2 Don't get me started on boys right now. I watched this documentary.
My brother gave me it's the worst thing. Don't ever watch it.
It's called Turned Out. It's about like

Speaker 2 prison romance some of it it's not all of it's by force some is by force some's not

Speaker 2 bro they talk about boys how like if you're in jail you need to get like four boys underneath you so like that you can then like trade them for stuff and that it's it's the most fucked up whoa

Speaker 2 you have to have a harem of boys to protect your own butt basically no it's just if you want to get rise it's like if you're like if you already have a store where you're selling stuff if you can get a boy obviously like they're they're like fucking their own boys obviously so that's like a powerful network because then like you can trade if you get a boy that's your boy if anyone tries to fuck with your boy that's a real powerful network.

Speaker 2 That's where the term fuckboy comes from, by the way. You have all these guys like, I'm a fuckboy.
That's your fuckboy is like your little boy.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This documentary was filmed a while ago in Alabama. It's like, yeah, my little fuckboy.

Speaker 2 It's like, and word comes out. And then if your daddy, there's daddies too.
So like, you're the boy, and daddy's the guy who's like in charge.

Speaker 2 But if your daddy gets transferred or released, all the other dudes go like, oh, there's a spare boy.

Speaker 2 Once they find out what you're a boy, then you don't get promoted?

Speaker 2 If you get daddy, if you're like the bottom pitch, you can have like boys underneath you and you can start, then you can send your boy out to go get other boys.

Speaker 2 Okay, so yeah, you can, there is, you know, it is a pyramid skiing, it's a vertical organization, yeah.

Speaker 2 But yeah, dude, this documentary was

Speaker 2 terrific.

Speaker 2 You know, Mary Kay started Harry A.

Speaker 2 Mary Kay started a nice, uh, a nice charity.

Speaker 2 It's like a, it's called the Angel Tree, where there's like these Christmas trees where you can take a thing and if you buy a gift, it sends it to a prisoner's kid.

Speaker 3 Oh, dude, that sounds like Fat Mom Heaven, the Angel Tree.

Speaker 8 Dude, fat moms love angels so much, man.

Speaker 1 This is true.

Speaker 2 But yeah, the documentary is fucking nuts, dude. It goes into like the ins and outs of it.
And it's like, I'll bet.

Speaker 1 It's wild.

Speaker 3 Dude, that's got to be like the harshest realization where you think you're boys with a guy in prison and you realize you're his boy.

Speaker 2 His boy, yeah, exactly. And no, they're all about the friendship.
And the documentary, like, yo, it's like, I mean, sex aside, we're like a family.

Speaker 1 That's a weird analogy.

Speaker 1 That's a weird dad. He fucks your butt, then he's like, clean your room.

Speaker 1 Take out the trash. It's a tree to be great.

Speaker 2 You get all the cigs you want.

Speaker 1 That's there for real. Like, yeah.
Yeah, I think the sounds. Like, dude, you have cigarette sales, and then the next thing is

Speaker 1 you better believe it.

Speaker 2 It's a power. You said it's a power thing.
He's like, bro, I couldn't get enough.

Speaker 3 If I'm getting my butt fucked, I'm going to have my mouth filled with cigarettes like that.

Speaker 1 No smoking campaign.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 2 I mean, I guess once you get, yeah, once you're, again, it's all, there's totally different things. Some of the dudes got took and some of the dudes were just like, yeah, I do owe you a lot of soup.

Speaker 1 Take the ass.

Speaker 1 So it's kind of like, it's pretty wild.

Speaker 4 I'm not going to be able to get all that soup. So.

Speaker 3 How far into cheek debt would you be willing to go?

Speaker 1 Cheek debt? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think you get your cheeks taken like over, like, if you can't produce, you're done. So I wouldn't want to risk my cheeks in debt.
Although,

Speaker 2 I don't know, it'd be nice to like, yeah, get like a line of credit on the house. Like, damn, that is a good interest rate.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Giving a cheek debt would be so scary, dude.

Speaker 2 It's just all in the line.

Speaker 1 I'm completely lost at this point.

Speaker 3 Cheek debt. So Matt's talking about going into debt because you owe soup.
And I was like, all right, so if you got to pay butt for soup, like how far into debt?

Speaker 3 Like, how hungry do you have to be to be like, you know what? I'm going to get fucked over some Doritos.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I need like an infographic to take this information.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Can we set up like a payment plan?

Speaker 1 You know, Doritos over debt.

Speaker 1 Is this still the system of modern prison? I don't know.

Speaker 2 This was from, this was from, I don't think so, man. This was from like a long time.
Man, I don't fucking know, but this was from like a dirt poor county of Alabama.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that could have been played by its own rules.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no one had any, no one had any cash on them, and it was just like, it was just soups.

Speaker 4 I mean, now you can have your own tablet in prison. Yeah, dude.
Which might be pretty wild.

Speaker 2 My brother was telling me there's a subreddit, just like the prison subreddit, and there's dudes that get like the iPhones, and they just like stream from there.

Speaker 2 Like, man, they're like yo we got the ps5 man and it's just them like streaming just lit you can like get into like real prison footage now pretty easily on the internet yeah i've seen plenty of

Speaker 1 live from jail it's crazy how is that fucking possible i don't know get the contraband phone in yeah they're more successful than i am i think they're fucking more views than me they're probably killing it telling them yeah

Speaker 1 it is cattle time actually

Speaker 1 i haven't been snitching but i think it's time to start yeah officer there's a situation.

Speaker 2 There's a banging live stream going down.

Speaker 3 He's got a gun on the stream.

Speaker 1 Actually, I did start snitching.

Speaker 1 I tagged the FBI in somebody's tweet the other day of just a guy shooting a gun into the air in like Florida or something. And I was like, Miami Dade, at Miami Dade Police, at FBI.

Speaker 1 And I did it without even like checking the replies. And there was hundreds of people that were like, at FBI, at FBI.
Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because the bullets fall down normally.

Speaker 1 They come back at the same terminal velocity as well.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 3 Dude, for velocity bros are today.

Speaker 2 exactly did you learn that in physics parabola yeah

Speaker 2 yeah that you think about that it's all cool shooting a gun in the air but if someone's like yeah they fall back down i was like oh yeah i thought they just go through space forever maybe that's what you got shot with you think so falling might not have been the bullets yeah god damn it

Speaker 2 all right i'll get it looked into apparently you know what i heard cool factoid you know the airplane the uh alaskan airline the door that like flew off apparently someone's cell phone fell out and then the cell phone fell and landed in someone's backyard and they got their cell phone back.

Speaker 1 And it worked, right? Yeah. No way.
Fell from fucking space, basically.

Speaker 5 And still work. Yep.

Speaker 1 Pretty cool. Speaks a lot about, was it an Apple or was it a

Speaker 2 detail?

Speaker 1 I didn't get that detail.

Speaker 4 Was it in an otter box?

Speaker 2 That's the question. Yeah, that's the question.

Speaker 1 Dude, my lady left the phone, her phone on top of the car when we left a Phillies game a couple months ago. And when we got home, I had an alert that was like,

Speaker 1 Maggie's phone has been in an accident or something, like a car accident happened or something. And I was like, why did did I just get this?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it flew off on the highway. The location was still so perfect that we could find exactly where it was on the highway.
Perfectly fine. It's not broken.
Screen wasn't cracked.

Speaker 3 It's pretty misogynistic how Apple just assumes like a fallen lady phone. It's just like, this fucking bitch got a car.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Dude.

Speaker 2 So I was.

Speaker 2 Having a discussion with my wife recently, and I thought she hung up on me. Apparently, she just didn't know.
I was still talking. I think she hung up on me.

Speaker 1 I was so mad.

Speaker 2 I was so mad. My phone was hung up on this little like magnetic thing.
I punched my phone and then I just like threw it against the side of my car.

Speaker 2 It called 911 because it thought I was in an accident.

Speaker 1 Oh, whoa.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. And then I, I don't know if it was from the slam on the side of the thing.
And then my phone was lost. Like, it was on the side.
So I had to like reach over and get it.

Speaker 2 And by the time I did, it was too late. 911 called me back and they're like, everything all right? And I was like, yeah, I'm just pissed off, dude.
My bad.

Speaker 2 Like, my wife hung up on me and I spazzed and fucking punched my phone. He was just like, all right, man, all good.

Speaker 1 He's like, all good later on.

Speaker 2 I had been chilling, too. I'd been fucking vibing before that, but I just hang up.
It was like a

Speaker 2 hectic schedule day. And I totally forgot I had to take my dog to the vet and I boned up.
She's like, you ain't where you're not. I was like, oh,

Speaker 2 do you ever like plan your day and you just look at it? You're like, yeah, that was impossible. Why did I even think I could do that?

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, that has not ever happened to me, actually.

Speaker 5 You got a pretty sparse schedule.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true.

Speaker 3 How did you make out at the vet, all right?

Speaker 2 He's fine. His knee's fine.
He's all right. And got x-rayed.
He's all good.

Speaker 1 His knee was fine. So yeah, we take him out of the vet.

Speaker 2 But it's one of those things. My family's big into like, put that fucking dog down, dude.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, I tell people that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, people are like shocked and horrified, but I'm like, yeah, my parents call for my dog's heads. If they're like sick, they're like, kill them.

Speaker 1 Dude, yeah. I'm going through that right now.

Speaker 4 I got a 16-year-old pit bull at home. And right now he's wearing diapers.
He can't get up the steps. I mean, it's time.

Speaker 2 16.

Speaker 1 My dog was six.

Speaker 2 If My dog's 16. It has diapers.
It's.

Speaker 4 Dude, you know how much it is to put a dog down? It's like hundreds of dollars just to kill your dog. So it's just like,

Speaker 1 maybe

Speaker 1 choke him.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 True. You're a pretty strong guy.

Speaker 1 I am a pretty strong.

Speaker 3 You got behind him and really give him the

Speaker 1 legend.

Speaker 2 Buy some fent.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Drop a little in the bowl. No one will ever know.

Speaker 1 No, you have it on your fingers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 He just becomes a junkie. He does not die.

Speaker 1 16 is rough.

Speaker 2 Yeah. 16.

Speaker 2 My dog was six, and my dad was like, I'd put him down.

Speaker 1 They're going to charge $150 for medicine. Yeah.
Murder that thing. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Your dog sneezes once. It's like, oh, that's it.

Speaker 1 Take them out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They'll come to your house now. Now it's like a nice little thing.
They'll come out to your house.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they'll come out to your house. Going to the vet and putting your dog down is so sad.
I did that one time. Yeah, I've done that.

Speaker 2 Dogs is laying on a metal table and they're just sitting there with it. It's just like,

Speaker 4 that's why I don't think I've done it because I did it twice before, and it's just, it's fucking heart-wrenching.

Speaker 2 So you can have them come to your house and they'll like lay a little spread out for them. You can give them like some last treats and then they'll just you can like hold them the whole time.

Speaker 2 The metal table in the vet is just depressing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just walk out.

Speaker 4 Can they come out like stripper cops and do it?

Speaker 1 Like just probably somebody order a you can probably hire some hookers too. Yeah.
So when the vet lady comes out to do it, yeah, these are just hookers here for more.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're having a little thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're gonna have a little party afterwards.

Speaker 3 We're gonna let him eat peanut butter off of her pussy one last time.

Speaker 1 A cancer-up dog slowly licking this ogre pussy in hardly walks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you should kill your dog for sure.

Speaker 1 But I do like the idea of

Speaker 3 getting them some fentanyl because

Speaker 3 I think that's the most humane way to go for an animal. Yeah.
Really treat them and just

Speaker 2 give it coke to. So it's like, oh, it's going to be fun.

Speaker 4 I was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 I want to do so many things.

Speaker 2 So my last thing is like, I'm going to start a business. And it's like,

Speaker 1 I had so many collar ideas.

Speaker 1 All right, you guys know doggy daycare?

Speaker 3 How about doggy nightcare?

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I can see in color.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's done.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Dog nightclub would be sick.

Speaker 3 Oh my God.

Speaker 3 Just end the night with who let the dogs out of the room.

Speaker 1 That's Nuck if you buck for dogs.

Speaker 4 They throw their collars in the middle of the circle.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 you've had that dog the whole time?

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, probably since we got married. Like we got two months.
We got got it for $20 and like 12 cents because it was like a New Year's special. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 And he said he was three or five when we got him. So it's been

Speaker 1 2012.

Speaker 1 I know a four-year-old dog, and he's not one.

Speaker 2 Damn, man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It sucks. It sucks, too, because when you're married, when your dog dies, then you have to go in a period of like three months of open relationship, too.

Speaker 1 Gets you crying.

Speaker 1 Just a parade of dogs coming in.

Speaker 2 Now he's been in an open relationship for five months and why we mourn our dog.

Speaker 3 Have you guys known when you're ready to love again by getting by when one pet dies, what kind of period?

Speaker 2 I'm already thinking about my next dog. Once my dog's six, I'm like, dude, the next dog I get is going to be so sick.

Speaker 1 You're just drawing a dog with sunglasses and a leather jacket,

Speaker 1 Gucci for Simpsons.

Speaker 2 But no, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I haven't been through, it was always like family dogs. And that, you know, I was little and they would die.
And we'd have one like after a couple months.

Speaker 2 But I'll be at the helm when our dogs die. And I'm, again, I already got the dogs I want planned out, so I'm gonna pull the trigger pretty quick.

Speaker 3 Is this the first time you're verbalizing this, or have you spoken openly about this?

Speaker 2 I've talked to my wife all the time. I'm like, next time, I'll either get a shepherd or an Akita.

Speaker 2 So, you know, I love my dogs, but when they die, I'm going to get new dogs because I love dogs so much. So, I'm going to be like, Damn, dude.

Speaker 3 Can you wait for the dogs to leave the room before you start talking about this?

Speaker 4 No. Oh, I say it in front of my dog all the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you know, some people are dog walking

Speaker 4 pacing around the living room for the 4,000th time that day, Michael Bark Duncan.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I'll be devastated when my dog's eye on sad, but I am stoked on getting like I rescued these guys, these guys were losers,

Speaker 1 these dogs were losers, dude. I've never heard somebody call their dog a loser.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my dog dog was eating like trash in all of me, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm going to give you fucking shots and a collard.

Speaker 4 Dude, I think, yeah, my dog was on like doggy death row back when we got him. They were like, he's been here for two years at this point.
He's going down.

Speaker 3 Did he have a bunch of puppies under him that he was using a sexual collateral?

Speaker 1 You know what? I never, I gotta ask

Speaker 1 a buddy system.

Speaker 2 Yeah, 101 Dalmatians is really good.

Speaker 2 Carla didn't want to skin those dogs. She just wanted to paint them.

Speaker 3 Is it Mrs. Potts comes out out with the dead one because yeah, fucked it.

Speaker 1 Man.

Speaker 1 Turned out. Never mind.

Speaker 4 It's only 100 again.

Speaker 1 They rub him out and just turn him on his side.

Speaker 3 He spits out. Big dog come.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 2 He needed a stomach pump like Marilyn Manson.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Well, Josh, I think we're at four. We're at four, right? You got another one at four o'clock.
So sorry about that. Dudes, please plug your stuff, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I got my new book, Delco Derpal.

Speaker 3 It is a wigger crime novel set in my beloved hometown of Delco PA. It involves two lovable losers who were mistakenly accused of their boss's murder at Halloween Adventure.

Speaker 3 And then one of their dads contacts them about cashing, fraudulently cashing a check, which would enable them to hopefully get out of Delco.

Speaker 3 But if they get caught, they're fucked, and then they're also going to get pinned with the murder.

Speaker 1 Yeah, baby. Wigger crime novel, Delco Derpal.

Speaker 2 That's awesome.

Speaker 4 Get it, buddy.

Speaker 3 Oh, wait, you can buy it on perks.com.

Speaker 4 Oh, perfect. Yeah.
And we got a nice new shirt going to pop up there soon for Lil Stinkers.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. You can follow me at Jake Matera.
Follow our podcast, Lil Stinkers. It's so much fun.
We do so much crazy shit. And yeah, if you like, stand up, search my name in YouTube.

Speaker 4 You'll see a fucking 45-minute set. Yeah.
Put that on for anyone you don't like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, please follow me as well at Johnny Delco on Twitter and Instagram.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if this is going to come out in time, but we are at Dallas Comedy Club this Wednesday, August 21st, and we're at Creek in the Cave Thursday, August 22nd.

Speaker 1 And we're going to be in the Bay Area in October.

Speaker 1 Around there, we'll be at San Fran Punch Line on

Speaker 1 Tuesday, October 22nd, and we'll be at Sacramento Punchline the next night on the 23rd.

Speaker 3 And here's the deal. Just so you're not apprehensive, like this isn't Fat Girl True Crime.
I promise you, like, this is fun. So check it out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's awesome, dude.

Speaker 3 Dude, also check out Dad Meet with my homeboy Tim Butter Lee, the funniest fucking dude on the planet.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 yeah. Hell yeah.
Thanks for having me, man.

Speaker 3 This is incredible, man. Also, a ton of fun.

Speaker 1 Rock rolling.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude.
Get back to my George Washington dude.