Ep 509 - Butt Spazz (feat. SWIM, Billy, & Spud)

The Wild Wild West.

All right. All right.
All right. Cool.
Well, your guys podcast. Go ahead.
What's that? Your guys podcast. Where are we at? Time wise.
Well, guys, thanks for having me. Where are we at time wise on this one? So happy to be here.
Yeah, it's good to have you here. So proud of you guys.
You know, you've come so far. How do you feel about the meteoric rise of war mode? I mean, I'll get to that.
I want to go with you and Matt first. Last time I was on a podcast, you guys had me in some fucked up Airbnb.
Yeah, that was my bad. You were just starting to make a little bit of scratch.
Whose Airbnb was that? I think that might have been Matt. It was yours.
You were like living in there? No, that was yours. That place was cool.
That was cool. That was another time.
Oh, yeah. I guess I live in Philly.
Yeah. Matt lived in Philly.
Or no, I forget. I don't remember.
Yeah, that was just a place. No, I think that was a place we rented just like we needed.

No, I think Shane was staying there.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

That's true.

It was in Fishtown.

That place was stuck.

The place sucked.

The loft?

Yeah.

I wasn't into it.

Yeah.

Matt.

Oh, wait.

That place was good.

I thought you were talking about the other.

Yeah, but I'd heard so much of your media.

He wasn't with us. I've heard so much about you that I was expecting so much more.

And then I get there.

I'm like, dude, I could have rented this place and I'd fucking make 300 bucks a week. Nah, I try to keep it humble.
I try to keep it humble, bro. But then, yes, I mean, the rise is just as big.
And then these two, it's like, I can't even, you know. It's my little bro, so.
What the fuck? All right, let's play Guess That that tune. All right, here's the first tune.

What are you?

Rick James Super Freak.

Yes, baby Billy.

What the hell?

I didn't even hear it.

You can't hear it now.

Oh, shit, dude.

Matt, you can't play it.

All right, that's fine.

Just guess.

I will.

Can we just play it into the microphone?

We can share audio with him, I think.

You fucking...

Yeah, why don't I just play it into the microphone? Yeah, play it in the microphone.

That's fine. Fuck the roadcast.

It's going to sound like hell. Hold on.

I mean, dude, you're only hearing it for like two seconds.

All right.

I do it all the time, Tom. Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, it'll be better to play

the microphone for the YouTube AlgoBots anyway.

True. Going in the mic.

Just disconnect from Bluetooth.

So wait, why can't I hear... I don't know.
I'm just curious. Why can't I hear it? I have no idea so wait why can't i i don't know i'm

just curious why can't i hear it i have no idea you're not i don't know what the freaking heck i'm maxed out rpms wise no you know what bill it's probably right because you're going through your bluetooth i'm not hooked up to you yeah that's probably what it is because it would be insane if it sent it all the way to him do you want me to play the film in the year steely dan I heard that

Matt's on a bit

you're on a bit of a delay, though. It's just whatever.
Yeah, all right. Then you won't.
That's fine. Matt, let's talk about your lymph nodes again.
Dude, my lymph nodes are good, man. I've never got them drained before.
I'm really. Brittany was getting her lymph nodes drained a lot.
And I was like, what's that she's like dude it feels awesome and they just literally they just pump all like they start from your head and move down to your neck and then they go to your stomach and you have them in your armpits and they just like brine your armpits out and then you have one like peter gabriel sounds very old come on man wait so where's all the fluid go you piss it out and you shit it out. Is it like clear liquid? It's like a different type of smell right now.
Is it a different type of pee-pee? No, but you'll take a very nasty shit. There's a huge chance I wake up in the middle of the night.
What, do they tell you this? Yeah. Okay.
I don't understand how that works. How does it go from your armpit into your bladder? The nodes are all connected.
The toxins. Your lymph nodes, a lot of them are on your joints, kind of like your neck, your head, your elbows, your hips and knees.
So if you're running a lot, you're naturally – or moving around, you're naturally kind of flushing them. But if you're still a lot, the water – that shit just pulls inside of you.
So you like a you got to get them like manually pumped out yeah i know but my question was just how does a toxin from a lymph node go into your fucking yeah how does that make you shit shitter how does it how does it go out of poop how does it get into your chest it's just the yeah it's just the exit point for them so it's like it's not like your circulatory system where it's kind of like a closed system it's open and you're're like pissing it out. It's like, I guess you're, I don't know much about it, but I think your lymph nodes are feeding into your urinary tract and to your butthole.
So there's just like two accidents for them. I don't know.
No, I've never got a colonic. Get a colonic, dude.
If you want to take a huge dump, it's the chillest fucking thing. Is that a spray though? What? I don't just want a huge dump.
I just want to see how much. Like when you get a colonic in real time, you see how much shit's coming out of your tracks.
So you go in there with an empty stomach and you'll shit like 19 bowls of shit out. Don't they like show it to you too? And they're like, that's me.
Yeah, you watch it. There's like a lit tube under you and you watch like weird fucking shit just come out of your butthole.
It sounds fucking gay. What's gay about it? It's you by yourself.
How's it possibly gay? Wait, how did they show you? E.L.O. What's the song? Evil Woman.
No, it wasn't. Yeah, why don't shut the fuck up? No, you're like, you're sitting like this and there's like a tube under you with a light and a mirror.
And no one else is in the room? It's just you. And they show you the shit.
You can see the shit. No, you look down at a tunnel.
There's a lit tunnel under your chair and you're watching like... That's inserted in you.
That's like saying shoving a dildo up your ass isn't gay. Not this.
The only thing that's gay is sex with another man. True.
I agree with you. Anything else you do, if it's by yourself or with a woman.
I've had this argument a million times. It's not an argument.
It's a fact. What a full belief.
Steely Dan. No, not Steely Dan.
I'm sorry. Michael McDonald.
No, it doesn't count. It does not count.
That's minus one. I got that.
That's an L, Bill. Mr.
The Music Man. Well, yeah, dude, if you want to get into some cleansing, do that.
Can I get a wider diameter pipe up my butt? No, you want the little guy because you want the poop to come out from around it. It's only like, it's like as skinny as like a Bic pen in your butt.
Genesis? Fuck. Tough one, dude.
Oh, give me another taste. Hold on.
Come to. Air supply? Damn.
You're kind of close. Star shit.
I don't know that shit. Yeah, I don't know.
That's tough. Big hit.
I'll do it for real on the Patreon. I'll have it all fucking set up.
You should get a. You might just want to get one of those.
Like, Tushy should make those. So every dump you take.
Will you just shove it up your ass real quick you get to fucking watch it yeah days

are if you wipe your ass with toy paper you're a fucking freak you know what i do is i turn the bidet on as soon as i sit down you get a pre-wash i just let the water hit it and it comes out you never you splash your shit all over the place no no i sit down i line up i turn it on i shit into it and like it makes

everything spotless

and it kind of

you might have a fun thing. You're a scat man.
I'm open about it. I do.
That's fair. It happened when I was young.
I got imprinted at the age of 19. What happened when you were young young i got dunked what i got surprise finger dunked that should be fucking criminal bro it happened in the usa what yeah you're bruce springsteen bruce springsteen usa what year the author i went fucking 1969 damn that's pretty good friend sing it and sing it the my thing.
Oh, man. That was pretty close.
Dude, the Beezer had an absolute unbelievable showing last night. Yeah, I got some images.
Debut at the mothership, crushes, and the whole time I was on the balcony, there was multiple, two different girls going, does he have like a huge dick or something? Holy shit. He was just fucking completely just showed him out.
He was completely displaying on stage. And while he was crushing, it was the funniest thing ever.
Does he have a fucking hop? Is the bees packed? The bees packed. He turned the mothership into the rocket ship.
I never knew about that. I think the lights might have been hidden at night, but I don't know.
Have you seen it? Bees keeps it hidden, dude. It's probably why he never swims with us.
It might be too big that it's embarrassing. That's usually what it is.
If someone's hiding it that hard, it's either huge's either huge or we dude you ever see the um

do you ever see howard stern doing the small dick thing no dude is this is nuts he did a small dick contest you could see it it's fucking wild and dudes came out and showed their dongs they show up i vaguely remember they show up naked the one dude i remember this on e and it would be blurred out the one dude has to pull his fucking fat back to see the dickhead literally has like a clit 1% of the population

micro penis it's a fucking medical condition

1% dude has to pull his fucking fat back to see the dickhead literally has like a clit one percent of the population micro penis it's a fucking medical condition one percent yes and you're saying your boy walls has one supposedly that's a that's the word around dc that all balls walls has a fucking micro i was around some women that were discussing she this one girl was talking about a guy she hooked up with she was like she went like that to her other friend i was just like holy shit that's fucking dead i was like you guys shouldn't be doing that this is like really mean i can recount every time a chick has brought up any dude's penis size for it just stays with you forever it fucks you it stays with me forever every chick i've ever talked to or any talks about another one any of them it's like i can name you every dude i know that has a fucking big hug bill said he heard some chicks talking about about how like, oh, thank God he's bi. Oh, yeah.
Like some weird conversation. I was grubbing.
It was just like a wild thing where it's like, oh, my God, I hate playing that waiting game where you're just like, if you're bi, just tell me like it's going to save me so much time. And like, thank God he was.
Time for what? Like beating around the bush. But she wants him to be bi.
No pun intended. Yes.
It was very weird. It's fucking 2024.
why she wanted to be by i'm so confused that's what that's just what they're rolling with wait so chicks want huge penis by guys oh my god yes are you showing guys looks like a vagina look at this dude it looks like a fucking let me see oh man that's good about yourself, bro. It's like looking at a nugget.
Is that a certified micro bird? Yes. Some of these guys in the back...
I could have hopped in that line, dude. These guys...
I see that every day. Yeah, but that's probably worked..
Yeah. Like he probably fluffed it into that.
Yeah, you'll see. Back.
There's a guy back right. This is just Irish.
Oh, fuck. He still covered it.
Wait, hold on. This guy.
That's about right that crazy. That's Norm.
Yeah, that's why he probably just thought it was.

Some of them are micros, though.

Some of them are legitimate micros.

Until the king got up there, that guy's dick was crazy.

The who?

That guy's the king of the micros.

Yeah, it's a fucking...

Yeah, this dude just has a regular bird.

He says a regular tiny bird.

Anyway.

Sorry, sorry, Drew.

Shaggy. shaggy shaggy fuck there you go billy got it i thought that was like an acapella version so did i it's a microphone i can the original i can set it up righteously for the patreon don't worry about it yeah i might put a uh i actually might put a giant like a micro bird on my wall and just tap it every day when I walk out.
Yeah, a little play like a champion. Yeah.
Just be like, or like a little thing on your dashboard of just like incredibly, like a realistic micro bird penis that just kind of doggles around on your, while you drive, just to calm you down in traffic. Be like, dude, it could be so much worse.
Why are you guys so hung up on your birds? I'm not. We're not.
I was trying to see who you'd say something wait doesn't Bill what was the number

what was the number you had

did you have

7 inches 3 fingers

7.5

and he got a double blowjob in a movie theater

that's good

someone gave me this after a show

in San Jose

that's hilarious

that was just a fucking

insane thing

Thank you. That's good.
Someone gave me this after a show in San Jose. That's hilarious.
That was just a fucking insane thing that grown men were doing to a child. Wait, what? You guys were all just like, oh, how'd they see your dick? You made me go into detail.
You came home and you were like. Eighth grade, seventh grade.
You came home and I was just minding my own business. And you were like, yeah, I got a double blowjob in a movie theater.
I didn't say double blowjob. He got double beach.

I would never say that.

I said a girl saw my dick.

I said how big my dick was. You guys, you're lying.
I was like, how are you lying? I was like,

she had her phone and I measured the phone

later. She used my phone.

You didn't get a double blowjob? Hell no.

What movie was it in? I couldn't remember.

Probably ATL.

I saw that in theaters. That movie's good as shit.

ATL is a good movie.

You were getting a blowjob. I was not.

You got a double.

I never received it.

Did a lady inspect her penis?

What's that?

Did you just get your penis inspected? No, I was just

talking to you guys and then you were like, well, how do you know how

big it is? And I thought it was weird that I measured it.

So I just fucking made up a lie. Oh, so you just measured your dick.
Yeah, not a big deal but fucking what'd you measure your dick with tape tape measure no a rule school roller 12 venture did you flop over it what like what'd you come up from the top not from the fucking underneath your balls it came at 7.5 yeah in eighth grade yeah dick probably ever was. Oh, so you're saying that was actually a...
That's true. A fact? In eighth grade, yes.
You had a sev. It was like centimeters? I don't think it has grown at all.
If anything, it shrunk. You had a sev in eighth grade.
Eighth grade. Seven and a half.
It was sick. C.M.
I was so pumped on it. You might have done some math on that to get that up there.
You might have been jabbing yourself in the balls with that ruler. Whatever it takes.
This is what happened. We tear ourselves apart for that.
I said this. I said this as an eighth grader and they lost their fucking mind.
No fucking way, dude. I have a whole other memory of this.
He said double blowjob on my 10-inch cocktail. Double pee.
And they both couldn't get enough. I believe Tom, because Tom's like a grown-up.
I've got a very strong memory. He's done drugs, bro.
You can't trust his brain. Tom would have been like 25.
Don't take a PA like that. Don't take a PA like that.
First of all, you've probably done more drugs than me. Hell no.
If you add up the amount of nights you've drank. No, dude, because I barely drank.
The amount of Nick you vaped. You're going to count Nick now? You're grasping at straws, bro.
It's a drug. You're grasping at fucking straws, bro.
I'm on a once a month drug schedule. Yeah, I barely even drank.
No coffee? No Nick? Matt, do you think he's doing nitrous or no no yay probably he's definitely although he did say he said the henny's what made him go wild about the jews you know that he blamed blamed it on h frock yeah did you order pizza fucking relax you should go puff some nitrous you should go puff some nitrous i Jesus Christ. You should go puff some nitrous.
Fucking order pizza

and calm down. It should take 20 minutes to get

here.

Dude, go puff some nitrous. No,

dude. We got four tanks in here.
You used to be

able to get go puff hookahs. That's how it

started. Go puff was a hookah

delivery? You get hookahs and shit. And when I

was at Temple, you get like hookahs and coals and

shit like that. You ever smoked hookah? It's fucking

atrocious. It sucks.
I went when I was like 18 to Westchester to a hookah bar. It was so fucking bad.
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thursdays exclusively on max it's like it tastes like shit it burns your throat i'm not a hooker guy matt and billy i just sent you the most fiendish fucking meme of all time oh man it's devastating oh no don't send me this shit Oh, man.

That's devastating. Oh, no.
Don't send me this shit. What is it? It's so devastating.
Oh, man. That's terrible.
Isn't that devastating? That's terrible. I can't look at that shit.
It hurts. It hurts so bad.
If you're in love, it hurts. Oh, dude.
P.S. She said this is your pussy, dude.
And remember, at one point, it slipped out and she put it back in yeah fuck you can't enjoy anything you can't even have fun anymore you can't even fall in love with girls because the goddamn internet i'll be on twitter and something like that will pass by and i'm just like what the fuck bro yeah i saw a vicious tweet from this lady she was one of those girls you know how there's like girls that just put tweet like horror whore tweets yeah yeah she tweeted one she was like when i'm on top of him bouncing i shake my head to let him know i'm not happy because i'm not single and it's just like oh she was like i shake my head to let him know that it's not okay because i have a boyfriend just a lady tweeting like shit like that to bother the dudes so the fellas get worked up. What the fuck are you talking about? Exactly, so don't fucking talk to her for that.
This is rage bait.

Yeah, all Twitter is is like OnlyFans fucking ads and then like anti-Semitic memes. Yeah.
Twitter. It's got to be honest.
When the liberals were policing it, it was a better place. You get some information and now.
You get like articles and stuff. Oh, dude.
Now I did it. It's bedlam.
Anytime I bedlam anytime on twitter i'm just like it's just porto ads and fucking yeah like post your best tits and it's like fucking 50 thing of tits and then after that it's like if you look at the angle like oh never mind i gotta keep going on that yeah it's nuts x x has gotten kind of fucking wild actually you're right mine was pretty chill for a long time now it's just like you see that plane fall out of the sky yeah that was a bummer 8 cancer doctors that was 8 cancer doctors on the plane they were going to a thing to talk about turbo cancer and the fucking plane went down yeah dude the plane it lost lift it lost lift and just went flat down Yeah. Yeah, dude.
The plane literally lost lift.

It lost lift and just went flat down out.

It was freezing.

That was a tough way to go.

Those people in there were spinning on the way down.

Not knowing which way is up.

That sucks.

Fucking hate planes, dude.

Every time I'm on it, this bird's tanking.

I'm the guy who dies in a fucking plane crash.

I don't know if it's because I got older or what, but every time I'm on a plane, I'm like, dude, this is it. You really think they're going to crash? I never thought about it on a plane.
All the time, dude. You're more likely to get in a car accident.
This is the shit I go through the whole fucking time, and I'm just like, oh, that's turbulence. Here we go.
Plane never crashed in turbulence. It'd be like the best way to die, though.
No, it wouldn't. The best way to die would be in your sleep.
It would suck. A fucking plane crash would be so bad crash would be like better than fire so much time on the way down to be like yeah but imagine like being all the people around you everyone's screaming everyone's brutal that's a peak in the hell dude imagine getting like diagnosed with like lung cancer okay you gotta fight on your head now you gotta fight it you go through all the chemo then they're like it's intermission psych you're dead you just said the best what you said that would be the at least no i said the flight i'd rather die on a flight than cancer yeah then get cancer or something like a cancer dude really you wouldn't want to try to kick cancer's ass yeah ring the bell bro i'll say when they give it to you and then they start giving the false hope and then it's getting worse and you're going like the medicine's killing you for like a year and a half and then they're just kind of like oh well you're gonna die all these people being nice to you like isolated from the family for a year and wearing a mask that's fair now let's let's consider falling out of the sky i would immediately go into 40 yeah you say you say i'd have the tank with me i'd take the nitrous tank and immediately take a hit from it that's supposedly what the guy from uh free bird did what when they were going down the bird he fucking took a seat looked at everyone smiled I think the lead singer Van Zandt is that right yeah he smiled at everyone just fucking sat back and let the plane crash so I would do people survive that yeah some people survived oh you would never one what would I do scream like my pants would be wet you would lose you would lose any control i would take a deep breath and be like here we go that's what i like i think look we've all had that that's like saying you'd storm normandy i wouldn't storm normandy that's different that's that's terrifying with a plane crash it's like there's no other way out of this except your death now you have 30 seconds to deal with it and you're like okay dude dude you're fucking on one time i'm not now you ever hear what they yell to it's fucked up the stortices oh you listen to him too and they're like brace brace yeah yeah wait have you ever been in like a shitty plane situation no he listens to he had turbulence too i've i've gone through some wild ones yeah where you were like i might die uh yeah there's's been nothing like, I don't know.
I had one coming back into Philly through a thunderstorm that was fucking crazy. There was lightning everywhere.
Yeah, dude. It was so scary.
Tom, it's like baby screaming. Fucking nobody knows.
Yeah, but I'm saying like, okay, so let's say I went to the doctor, right? Yeah. And they were like, you have cancer.
Go home and tell your kids. Explain to your son you're going to die.
I'd rather my son wake up and be like, daddy died in a plane crash. That whole situation's avoided.
Yeah, maybe. That's better for me.
I don't know. You could just say goodbye to your family.
Not if you're like, I might die. I might not.
And then you're like, I think I'll make it to your graduation. Or you can never say bye to your kids and they have no dad.
Your dad's a charred fucking fucking man you go out on top why do you go out on top you're literally out on the bottom you die and you go on twitter and everyone goes yo you fucking see that that sucked i don't think that plane was real disagree no way bro plane crash would i'd rather do plane crash in a car accident because the car accident would have been something i fucked up like oh you look to change your song real quick boom he died my hero i think we plane crash than a car accident. Because a car accident would have been something I fucked up.
Like, oh, you look to change your song real quick. Boom, you died.
I think we saw a car accident today, and it was like it hit a truck. It was fucked up, and it was just a little girl, and we didn't see the parents.
There was this little girl with police officers, and I was like, Brittany's like, where's her parents? I was like, she shouldn't have been driving. buying.
Yeah. I saw a dude die last week on Spring Garden Street.
Oh, that's crazy. It looks like God just like took him.
He was walking like an old man with a cane. Just dropped.
Had hit the pavement. I mean, he might have lived.
It might have been like a stroke or a heart attack or something. Well, I think he died, yeah.
That's how you want to go. The whole point of what I'm saying is I'd rather check out in a plane crash.
I'm all hyped. I'm like, oh, I'm about to get down here.
We're going to get you're done. Lights out.
What if you don't die right away? What if you hit the ground? That's different. That's another subject.
If you're like eating people and you're in a live and stuff, I'm not talking about like you're up and they're like, hey, everyone, we're dying. I'd be like, all right.
Wait, wasn't that you just tell me what's his name? Died in a helicopter crash. SRV.
He crawled for a while. Don't fucking laugh.
Steve Ray Vaughn. That's a tough one.
It was in one of Eric Clapton's planes. It was two of Eric Clapton's helicopters.
Stevie Ray Vaughn was trying to get home to see his wife because he was now sober and living a different life. I think it might have been a sacrifice, but I don't know.
I wouldn't put that on slow. Dude, he was the goat.
Yeah, but he was like. Steamy.
They wouldn't sacrifice. He's not worth the sacrifice damn that dude you are showing not worth it he told me to fucking kick rocks on let's dance wait what oh yeah you don't know that dude you don't know how good steve graybaum was let's dance he's the guitarist on that and then see where he was like dude come do your tour with me and try to give him fucking no money he's's like, dude, fuck you.
And roll. Did slow hand sacrifice?

I'm not saying that.

I wouldn't put that on Clapton.

It's what he's alleging.

I wouldn't put that on Clapton, but I'm just saying fucking.

I just don't think Stevie Ray Vaughan would have been a worthwhile sacrifice.

Dude, he like to take his power from him.

Damn.

What power?

He's a good guitar player.

He's unreal at guitar.

It's like everyone in the fucking trash.

I'm not worth sacrificing.

You're so.

That dude had talent.

He didn't talent, but I'm saying he wasn't like.

Every guy at Guitar Center?

It plays like Steve Ray Vaughn.

No.

Please play, dude.

They play like Steve Ray Vaughn because he did all that shit.

Yeah, but that kind of guitar playing doesn't really tickle my pick.

So you don't like it, so he's bad.

Okay.

I didn't say that.

I just said it's not like.

He's on Olympus.

He's on Olympus of guitar players.

Who else is on Olympus? Of guitar players? Who's on Mount Rush? Joe Satch? Not Satriani. He's good, but I just like...
Not my bag, but I won't hate on him. But if someone killed Joe Satriani, I could see that as a sacrifice.
I think it was a helicopter crush. Top guitarist? Fuck, that's tough.
I think he was in a tin can flying real high and it malfunctioned and he died maybe but who knows are you gonna give it to jimmy jimmy page now that you know more about a guitar to jimmy who jimmy hendrix hendrix is up there hendrix is the greatest guitar player of all time you're fucking retarded but no you got to take in account like i always thought that sounded like crud what what a lot of hendrix he's not the greatest guitar player but i'm saying when you take in what he was able to do to a crowd with a guitar. Yes.
Like Jimmy Hendrix would put on a show with his guitar that no one could. Yeah.
Stevie Ray Vaughan could be the, he would like. Steamy was a backup.
He was like a guitar lesson guy. Steamy Ray was a backup.
You're just trying to trigger me. I'm not.
I'm telling you. There's a reason why Jimmy Hendrix.
Watch him play Little Wing, dude. And you'll say sorry to me.
Watch him play Little Wing live. I think it's a Montreux Jazz Festival.
No, you didn't. A Montreux Jazz Festival.
No, I was watching Jimi Hendrix videos yesterday. Hendrix is good.
I love fucking Peter Green. He was gone too soon.
They took him. I'm sorry.
What's up? I just want to be able to see Bill. Yeah, go ahead.
I need to be able to see Bill. I would say.
Early Fleetwood Mac mac early fleetwood mac peter green is fucking good i love peter green actually eric clapton took his spot in john may on the blues breakers so he rolled and then peter green started fleetwood mac humble man he was like dude i don't want this band to be about me named after the other two bros i gave him that i love peter green love clapton the one of the best ingui malstein or however the fuck say his name. He's unreal.
Dude's unreal. He's not my cup of tea, but the guy's just an unreal guitarist.
Fuck, it's so hard. You seem like you'd be a big fan of, who's the guy who plays guitar for Bruce Springsteen? Little Stevie? Little Stevie.
I like, I mean, he's good at guitar. Him and Steve Ray Vaughn, I kind of lump them together.
Yeah, because you're the dumbest guy. What about Tom Morello from Rage Against the Machine? How he goes, wow.
I wish that he took a helicopter, lived, took 10 more helicopters. I fucking hate Tom Morello.
Why? With every phone in my body is a fucking pussy. Why? He's like, oh my God.
He's like, he has like the communist shit on his guitar. And he's like, oh dude, fuck capitalism.
He's like, all right, dude, give away your money money give away your money and then just keep your stupid guitar keep scratching with your fucking pick i like i like rage against the machine they sound cool they put them on the top guitars list of um uh rolling stone and it fucking made the new rolling stone list makes me so fucking mad what about chili pad though for shanti's good i like him's the pedophile. What? You ever see the pedophile? Yeah, he's got a new chick that's like 19.
But, like, supposedly in his book, he talks about. Seinfeld did it.
Yeah, he did. How he scooped up a 14-year-old.
And then once she told me he was 14, he's like, I hit it one more time and sent her packing. Ooh, that's devilish.
Yeah, he wrote it. Apparently, his autobiography is great, from what I've heard.
But he does. He kind he kind of pedos but calls safety because he tells on himself.

He's like, yeah. Yeah, he's like, I did this.

Did you watch him on Rogan?

Doorknob.

What?

Did you watch Piedis on Rogan?

Doorknobs, basically.

Yeah, he was like, safety, doorknob.

Did you watch him on Rogan?

No.

He's a fucking freak.

He talks and he's like 10 miles away mentally.

He's been doing heroin since 1991. Yeah, that's the fucking freak.
Like he talks and he's like 10 miles away mentally. He's like, yeah.
He's been doing heroin since 1991. Yeah, those two boys partied.
I will say this. It's hard to say Rushmore, but currently top two.
Marcus King matches interviewed him and Billy Strings. They play summertime at this guitar place.
It is the cleanest sounding shit you ever heard in your life. Every time I go on YouTube, I listen to that shit.
Those dudes are fucking goats now. We'll just have to to young rush a lot of math rock guys out there now but those brothers have soul great you're saying top four they're your top four guitar player it's it's so hard to fucking pick because that hard it's one two three four i understand that but there's page knoffler clapton knoffler is very good jeff beck mark knoffler dire straits jeff beck is also up there his live at ronnie scott's is fucking If you watch him play A Day in the Life, it's one of the best.
I'll give you that one. That one was nice.
Yeah, it was fucking awesome. Jeff Beck's a guitarist, guitar player.
Yeah, I like Jeff Beck. I mean, I don't know.
Will you please play? No, I'm fucking atrocious. I'm in the first position.
It's been six months. It will plug in that, right? No, it can't.
You can barely hear it. We got four mics on.
Plug it. Got four mics on.
Shred. Yeah, I'm playing some stupid shit, but I'm also learning how to read music so I can fully understand.
So it's hard. What's your end goal? Are you going to put a concert on? No, my goal is just like, if I'm fucking chilling.
Just mastery. Not even mastery.
If I'm just chilling. I need you to shred at Wells Fargo.
I can't. I need you and Matt.
I need you and Matt. Oh, Matt.
Fuck. Yeah, Matt, that video of you playing live was nuts.
How do you do that? That was, I don't know. Were you drunk or high or anything? I don't need substance.
Stevie Ray Vaughan didn't need him either. Yeah, he did.
He actually fucking used him a lot and they would have to wake him up when he was blacked out and he would just come on stage and rip like a guy from Guitar Center allegedly. I saw an interview with him where he was like, I learned I didn't need that anymore.
Oh that's the best. Yeah he plays a song for that dude and he got clean and him and his brother Jimmy became friends again.
They were worn for a little while. I just got lucky.
I knew they were playing in A minor because I think I heard them say that and I go oh man. Peter Paul's on myself.
But yeah so you just jam out once you learn the little... What's your favorite key, Matt? I'm an E guy.
I like to play an E. Just open up.
E is when you open up the very top of the car. He's been waiting, dude.
It's been sitting next to him. Oh, we can't hear it.
We can't hear it. It's not picking up, bro.
It's not even close. That's all right.
It looks cool. It looks great, dude.
It's shredding, dude. We'll get that.
Gardenia will toss in some Van Halen. Gardenia will toss in some Van Halen there.
What about Van Halen? Unreal, dude. See, I'm not into these technical guitar players.
I'm not into it, but I can just recognize that that dude's great. Yeah, okay.
I'll get you on that one. That's what I'm saying.
You're sitting there. You're like a Rolling Stones columnist.
No, no, no. I'm talking about the- Well, she's also a black woman, so that gives her seven points over Mark Knopfler.
Yeah, that would be good. Mark Knopfler and Aaron Clapton are in the 30s for the top 100.
I'd say Clapton's top four. Yeah, but they put some chick in the top four.
What about Mayer? John Mayer's good. John Mayer.
John Mayer. You used to love John Mayer.
You used to John Mayer. He's good.
He's a fucking good guitarist. Yeah, you probably love him.
You love him. I respect his music.
Bill's body is a wonderland. He does Dead and Company now.
Yeah, he's a deadhead now. He just quit.
Not my bag, honestly. What, the dead? What about Jerry? Jerry's top four.
Jerry's top four, dude. Jerry's top four.
The lead singer of the Warlocks? Not into it. Have any of you guys found your way into becoming a deadhead? I did a stint in like eighth and ninth grade.
He was a fish head, bro. I was like a fish head eighth, ninth grade.
Okay. Well, that was mostly because we were trying to figure out how to find weed, and we were like, we got to go to the fish shows.
We got into fish. I remember you guys.
That's such a funny age. It's clearly not playing sports.
Yeah. It's just going to become a fish addict.
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Back to the show. Oh, by the way, guys, real quick, while I barely have your attention, let me direct you to my comedy shows.
I'll be in Providence, Rhode Island, Cleveland, Ohio. I'll be in Boston at the Wilbur, Milwaukee Improv.
Also, the big one, here's the big whammies. Capital One Hall, Tyson's, Virginia.
That is November 15th, 2024. And I'll be at the New York Comedy Festival and New York City, obviously, at Town Hall, November 16th.
So those two dates are the big ones, guys. Come on, please.
Virginia, come on. New York City, please come.

Please come.

All right.

Thank you.

Also, ShaneMGillis.com.

The man doing beating over there with the big shots.

I am wildly unathletic.

Yeah.

You never.

You stopped sports in eighth grade, right?

I stopped in seventh.

Seventh grade?

I begged my parents.

I'm like, please.

Shut it down.

Stop.

Shut this down.

I thought you played baseball. I played baseball up until seventh grade.
Okay, yeah. I did track, basketball, baseball.
What was your track race? What was your? I used to not compete. They stopped the mile one time.
They pulled them off. No, no.
They didn't let them finish. Dude, I used to go to track and always tell every other coach I was doing something else.
I'd be like, I'm'm doing shot put i'm doing distance and i would just fuck around the whole time and then they caught me at the end of the year so funny to retire from everything at seventh grade just fucking unplugged i knew i saw it's been done i knew i become a walk i remember telling my parents like this is beat there's no chicks i would be like nine and i'd come in and be like, hey mom so and so up the street said

baseball's canceled today because the coach has to

take him to life.

Okay, cool. Then she'd come out screaming like

baseball's not canceled.

My favorite Blizz was talking. Blizz played

freshman football.

He would just get level.

I felt so bad for those kids, man.

Why did he play

freshman? Was he trying to be a sports ball guy? He was a freshman. He was a big dog.
Wait, Blizz was big. Blizz was fat.
Blizz was a unit. Damn.
You want some friendship? That was the worst, dude. When we played football, there would be kids that were either JV or juniors on the varsity team.
And we would fucking get the scrimmage in practice. And they would be like, go full tilt.
I knew like the one kid I was like bro I'm not gonna fucking hit like I'll hit him but it's not gonna be like serious and they like made me like hit him fucking dead serious because the dude screamed me you're a pussy you're a pussy what is this for like BYC or no Sally's dude fucking relax man do you see it in your boy does he have zero athletic ability it's tough nah it's good because I'm not gonna push him in that direction right like he told me he was like i was gonna sign for soccer and he's like i'm not into sports dad and i was like all right good oh wow cool you know that'll save you a lot of time fascinating i wonder if he's like coming online faster than you are he told me he wants to smoke pot when he gets older holy shit the other day we're out and he was looking for caterpillars in my hemp plant and he's like dad i think i'm gonna smoke pot when i get older or i'm gonna smoke hemp when i get older i said good we'll talk about this when you're 14 my boy looking for a body high he likes to look for bugs in in like the plants yeah he's already stoned so he was just like dad i think i'm gonna I'm going to smoke this when I get older. I was like, all right, dude.
He's going to love finding bugs. I support that.
I love finding bugs. He's going to be so pumped.
I'm going to raise them with an open-door policy where it's like, you can do whatever you want, and we will talk about it as adults. It's Biden's America, dude.
What? No, it's just like, I'm not going to be like, you're not allowed to do that. White guys for Harris.

It's definitely white dudes for Harris type shit.

I've never voted once.

What if he's feeling like a woman one day?

What if he's feeling like a woman?

I told my dad I was playing tennis once

and he beat the shit.

I can't believe you're allowing this type of shit.

I mean, the thing is,

did you ever play tennis again?

Fuck no.

Shut it down. I would have been terrible anyway.
He was right. Yeah.
Did you ever hear of Padel? It's a fucking crazy sport. It's like tennis with a plexiglass wall.
Not pickleball. Nah, dude.
It's called Padel. Something.
It's intense. Yeah.
P-A-D-E-L. Yeah.
Something. They're going hard to pickleball.
Oh, yeah. I was in New York.
I was in Central Park. They set up where the ice skating rink is.
I heard they're going to start turning balls into pickleball courts. They got to do something with those things.
Those things are fucked up. Chick-fil-A, Annie Ann's, Zoomies.
It was just funny to see dudes. It's also a social club.
You go down there to meet. It's all single people playing pickleball.
Just dudes shirtless going as hard as they can have you ever played like screaming yeah i played it's fun nice it's really fun i heard it's nice yeah but it's just i don't know me and my boy will get into that i was walking through the park and i was just i like games like that like pickleball pickleball is easy like things that are fun you pick it up and put it down you forget about it golf hand jam hand can jam yeah can jam Yo, get your kid into fucking can jam. I'll get it.
He likes, like, I like sports where it's like, Matt, what's can jam? Where you drink while you play. Nah, I don't drink.
Yeah, but you know what I'm talking about. Drinkable sports.
Bowling. Bowling, golf, drinkable shit.
I like games that like, you play once in a blue moon and as you progress into the game, you get better and better and then you forget about it. Like bowling.
Like if you bowl a third game, you're nasty. Third game is impossible, dude.
No one gets the third game. Third game is where endurance kicks in and everyone goes, my fucking arm hurts.
This sucks. Or second game, we'll say.
I haven't bowled in a long time. I'm very bad at bowling.
Me and Tom Bowler got 219. 219 is crazy.
I know, yeah. He was absolutely nasty.
Yeah. We were playing other restaurants.
He's a savant. He's a natural-born autodidact.
Hand that man anything. I'm not retorted.
Through pool, bowling, anything with like a... Anything is not sports.
You get down with Ray Gunn? Oh, that that was great I was with James McCann all last week

are you serious

yo is it a troll man or is it

it's real break dancing

she's real she's like a

I think a legit or whatever

Australian academic

dude she's a break dance

professor yeah

she teaches Asians

that can't be real

that's one of those things like rich people choose her. It's a show or a show.
She scored a zero. Some chick from Australia, they did breakdancing in the Olympics and it's some chick that literally it was like, you remember Jonah from Takaloo or whatever that guy Christopher Lilly, his shows where he's like New Zealand.
everyone's a fucking legend his shows yeah i know yeah but he they were all about breakdancing and it took so bad she goes the kangaroo uh i need to see wait they had breakdancing at the olympics yeah i didn't know they had the lady scored a zero because she tried to make his i think she was trying to uh dismantle the skills hierarchy in breakdancing nice I swear to God. She just rolled around on the ground.
I like the one move where she goes like this. I think she's hot too, yeah.
Which one? She like touches her toe. Yeah.
The windshield wiper. Yeah.
She hits the V-ups. She did good.
I thought it was a joke though. If somebody did that at a wedding, I'd make fun of them.
I'd be like, dude, you suck at breakdancing. You're fuckingdancing.
Wait, so she made it to the Olympics and then threw that out there? Because her dude was one of the guys. Okay, yeah.
They were coming out being like, well, leave this lady alone. This is our best breakdancer.
I thought the country of Australia was playing a joke on us. It literally looks like a little kid pretending to dance.
It looks like that. Remember that one clip you sent me? The little kid in like second grade danced an astronaut in the ocean.
It looks exactly like that, dude. Did you watch ping pong at all? No, it's fun to watch though.
France beat Japan. It was...
That's insane. It's a monumental upset.
It was, dude. I was sitting there.
We were like eating dinner at a bar before we went on. I was just watching France win over Japan.
Like this is un-fucking-real. You get to watch the basketball? No, I didn't see that.
I heard it was close. It was fucking awesome.
I heard there was a close call there. He honored us.
He honored America. Really? Yeah.
How so? Just drain threes on a bunch of frogs. That's amazing.
Pretty sick. I saw LeBron James fucking afterwards

diss the fuck out of a kid.

I didn't think there was anything wrong with that.

That was killing me.

Not right now.

LeBron's like fucking 40.

LeBron James.

Did Embiid not play?

No, he played.

Oh, okay.

They booed him pretty hard.

Why?

France.

I don't know.

I think he was hitting them with like sockets and shit like that.

Yeah, he's an asshole.

Wrestling thoughts.

Yeah, he does.

He does suck it.

Over?

Yeah.

They're done.

Was that a little French kid?

Nuts, dude.

Probably, yeah.

I think it was in Paris.

Here we go. yeah he's an asshole yeah he does he does suck it over yeah they're done was that a little French kid

nuts dude

probably yeah

I think it was in Paris

if I was a little

French kid

he was like

dude stop

I'd be like

alright that's sick

that's all he did

yeah if I was

that was a little

French boy

yo dude

shut the fuck up

Tom Cruise

jumped off of a

fucking thing

to close the Olympics

jumped into a

rode a motorcycle

into a plane

then skydived out

to the Chili Peppers

it was fucking nuts

what the fuck

you didn't know that Thank you. Tom Cruise jumped off of a fucking thing to close the Olympics, jumped into a, rode a motorcycle into a plane,

then skydived out to the Chili Peppers.

It was fucking nuts.

What the fuck?

You didn't know that?

Yeah, he's like 60 years old.

Yeah.

He like ziplined into the stadium.

Why?

To surprise everyone?

Like, hey, it's Tom Cruise.

Dude, he's.

Yes.

And then he's like.

For exactly that reason.

For his age, like he can still run and shit.

He like ran.

Because he's clear.

That's what I said. He's a high level Satan.
You know, Jerry doesn't fuck with his kids on his end. What do you mean? Like the ones with the girl from Dawson's Creek? The ones with the girls from Dawson's Creek, supposedly he doesn't talk to them and if they try to reach him, he's like, no, I don't fuck.
Most parents, it's the other way around. Alron Hubbard wrote a book, Dianetics it's a great technology ever since ever since i've had that argument with o'connor that tom cruise sucks i've been hearing nothing but cool shit from tom cruise remember the navy seal said he's legitimately good at driving fighter pilots i gotta i gotta totally i've been backpedaling on this argument for a while his argument was crazy because he said he's like the best movie there's the best actor he's the the coolest dude on the planet.
He's not the coolest dude. He's a fucking freak.
You get confused with people that can do autistic skill levels. When are you doing your masculine? I was supposed to do tonight.
If I walked up to you and was like, I can drive a fucking fighter pilot. I'd be like, whatever the fuck that is.
I'd be like, when's the last time you talk to your kid

yeah I mean he's not the best

father

he's a fucking spaz

he's like the dude

you're all chilling he shows up

what is a butt spaz

I know what a butt spaz is

he's talking his body spaz

a butt spaz is exactly a guy

I'm really good at doing fighter pilots

I'll jump a butterfly

red hot chili peppers

it sounds cool skydiving in red hot chili peppers you guys are so jealous you're a fucking nerd worshiper I'm not a nerd worshiper he's a Scientologist he's a butt smacker he's like that dude in high school. Your days are numbered, Matt.
They're coming for you.

Remember that dude in high school that no one ever killed him?

No, that's exactly right.

Matt's worthy of a sacrifice.

Yeah, watch yourself.

Before Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Matt, I might sacrifice Matt.

Tom Cruise is the only one way to keep this going.

Did you invent butt spaz?

That's a fucking good, that's a very good psychological term. This episode is brought to you by Call of Duty.
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Rated M for Mature.

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Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price coverage match limited by state law Not available in all states It's like that dude who can't chill No matter what, he's somehow telling you how he jumped out of a fighter pilot And you're like, dude, shut the fuck up He called a fighter pilot He called it that Donimo Donimo's is locked Did you order Donimo's? No donamos no order right now take 20 minutes to get here fucking relax go find the donamos what kind do you want go i don't give a fuck at all all right dude go puff a couple tanks no dude fucking all i'm saying is if a random fuck with nitrous no i've never done you never done nitrous no you can take them on the, man.
On the pod, be like... Yeah, like Skrill.

Make your voice super deep.

Yeah, like Skrill.

Tom 22.

Tom 22.

I'm a one...

No, I don't fuck with that lifestyle.

I'm not in the lifestyle, dude.

Of rap and hip-hop?

No, the lifestyle.

What lifestyle?

The one your boy, Adam 22.

Not my boy, bro.

Oh, like pornography?

No, no, no.

Like wife schlopping and all that kind of... You gel? They call it the lifestyle.
Not my boy, bro. Oh, like pornography? No, no, no.
Like wife slopping and all that kind of.

You gel?

They call it the lifestyle.

You haven't met the right couple, dude.

I'm not that boy anymore.

You haven't met a huge black guy.

I'm telling you, Matt.

Matt might be in that lifestyle.

Yeah, true.

He's got some wild-ass friends.

Lost tonight.

That weird neighborhood of yours.

Every time I go over there, there's young, hot-ass fucking neighbors.

That's a pineapple city.

I'm about to spread the rumor Matt's on Rollins and a swinger.

He's a swinger.

Yeah, what's young, hot-ass fucking neighbors. That's a pineapple city.
I'm about to spread the rumor Matt's on Rollins and a swinger. He's a swinger.
Yeah, what's the deal with the pineapples? Supposedly, it's not pineapples, dude. It's three boulders in your front yard.
You would know, bro. The neighborhood.
That smirk screams he's in the lifestyle. You got to get a boulder? Have you been over to his place? I was there when they first moved in so they hadn't established their swinger routine.
When you go over there, it's them and the couples. There's something going on, dude.
Really? You're picking up a vibe? I don't judge. I'm at a point now where I don't judge anyone's activities.
So if you want to swing, you swing. You do whatever you want.
It's just funny because Matt's going to have to hang out with these people and they're all definitely going to listen to this. Dude, steroids and swinging, Matt's two new things.
Dude, Brittany thinks it's funny to bring up swinging every time we're out with people. That's how it starts.
Yeah, dude. I'm like, will you fucking stop doing this? She's trying to tell you something, bro.
She's trying to tell you something, dude. No, I don't want to.
You got to get that wheel, dude. You got to get that wheel going.
No. What if you like it? True.
True. Actually, that's totally true.
If I can get my size up, I'll be totally back. Yeah, you're going to get stuck in the small hole.
I haven't fully. I'm still loading right now.
I'm still on my load screen. It's like, let me put the wheel on.
You're two boulders. There's still one more boulder on the way.
Once my girth's up, three boulders. You got to get a dude that's exactly your size.
True. Exactly.
Treat your queen, dude. Treat your queen.
Slightly smaller. Slightly smaller.
Treat your queen, dude. Huh? Treat your queen.
That's thinking like a swinger. We might have swinger in us.
What? I just don't tap into it. Dude, if you have that in you, you're a sick fucking punk.
I'm just saying you never know what lies underneath. You just got in your relationship, so you're still brand spanking new.
It gets a little boring, bro. Oh, fucking hell.
I turn to God and prayer. No, you don't, bro.
Say Hail Mary right now. Say Hail Mary right now.
Say the Hail Mary. You got to separate prayer from the institutional Catholicism.
Wait, you don't even know the Hail Mary? I rejected the entire. Try to do it then.
You rejected the Hail Mary. Say it right now.
Fucking. No.
That was when you dropped sports. Yeah, he dropped God, but he dropped sports.
Listen to fish. I dropped corporate God.
Tom Hillman. Just explain one thing to me.
Explain what? Who was in the garden. What me explain what who was in the garden what's that who was in the garden with him what do you which garden get 70 wait where does he go with it I'm not going to go on here I'm on Hillman says Jesus was a pedophile Jesus is a personal hero of mine I'm not 14 to come on here.
Amon Hillman says that. Amon Hillman says Jesus was a pedophile.
Jesus is a personal hero of mine. I'm not going to be a pedophile.
I came back. I'll leave the podcast.
I just watched Passion of the Christ. You're going to hit me with stupid shit like that.
He died for us, bro. He died for exactly what you're doing right now.
Yeah. He would forgive you right now.
He would still love you. I'm not sinning.
I didn't call him a pedophile. I said he's not.
He's a personal hero of mine. You said Jesus is a pedophile and you want to die in a plane crash? Tom, the definition of sin, sin means to miss the mark.
You're missing the mark, brother. Tom's not getting any planes.
I don't fly much. You're not flying anywhere.
That's why I'm so healthy. I don't fly that much.
I fly down to see him once in a while. It's about it.
Yeah, Amon Hillman like Jesus rolled around the group of kids and gave him drugs. Yeah, they were doing drugs and they were like boy prostitutes.
The apostles were like boy prostitutes. It's not a wild move.
He's a YouTuber. He was on Danny Jones.
Formerly known as Concrete Podcast. I don't know any of that.
Shane, you're better off not knowing this. This is demonic.
I was reading up on it. Service to self lifestyle.
I got into the gospel of Thomas and I changed my mind. I no longer like Amon Hillman.
Oh, you're done with him now? I think he's a clickbaiter. I don't support what he's saying.
He's a pod goblin, dude. He's a pod goblin.
He's just coming up with the craziest shit man you're coming up with the juice tonight butt spas might be the greatest thing of all time Tom for real he inspired pod goblins he was telling me about this guy and he was like yeah there was like a little boy in the garden when Jesus was discovered by the soldiers a little boy flea therefore naked he's a pedophile the guy's like I also speak Greek it's like dude you like, dude, you're just coming up with the craziest shit to say. Matt, I got some juice for Kamala.
Call her Kamala. Ooh.
Trump hasn't thought about that. Kamala? Yeah, Kamala.
You know she's a commie, dude. You should get...
What's his name's old job? Bannon. I'd be a good propagandist.
You'd be a good propagandist. You'd be nasty, bro.
Is Bannon locked up right now? No, he's loose. He's back out? I think so.
They try to lock his ass up. Free him.
Did you ever see American Dharma? It's a sick Bannon documentary. Yeah, I have.
It was great. I wonder if they're going to let Bannon wear two shirts in jail.
Yeah, he always wears two shirts. It's fucking awesome.
Two button downs. Dude, the whole point we got into Jesus, I was telling you, is once your relationship starts to get a little cold.
He might be a pod goblin. He's controlling this.
I'm just trying to tell my buddy. He's texting in the middle of this very important thing.
I'm texting. I'm trying to get your bum ass.
Dumbass. I'm saying turn towards prayer and meditation.
Don't start swinging. Obviously not, bro.
This kind of looks like swinger vibes. You're kind of going to that direction.
Just a blue room. This is a very is a very comfy large room it's a big couch it's a very big couch for two people it's a love set you got the swinger dogs too they'll watch it R.I.P.
I just wanted that was crazy R.I.P. and Reggie the swinger dogs there's a lot of stuff at play right now that could lead you into the lifestyle not even these might be swinger fucking these might be like porn couches because you could wash all these individually.
They're for help.

Oh my god. You can wash these?

These are for hosting. You're a host?

Individual. You can wash each one.

These might be the porn couches then.

I mean, I don't think so. It's for hosting, dude.

I think those losers from Brazzers will get a

love sack.

Oh, dude.

Just make sure you test, bro. Please make sure you test.

Promise me.

Stay clean. I don't know how this went on me bro i was just saying we all might have a swing great yeah i think you just do bro i think i'm not i don't even think you're a swinger i think you're a cuck bro yeah i think you might be a cuck, you know they call the chair in hotels the cuck chair now? I don't even entertain this conversation.
Yeah, right. I'm a one-woman man.
I'm a family man. Don't mind me.
I'm just watching. I don't even know how you know about this stuff.
Where do you know about this stuff? The net, dude. He's plugged in.
What? I've been on the net since I was a wee young warthog, bro. I have no TV and very little internet connection.
Yeah, because you use, bro. It's like a heroin.
I don't have any heroin in my house. I can't use it.
A couple of newspapers on the floor. That's not what it is.
Bro, you get the internet and it's a million. I'm using www.p.
Right now, open your phone up and just hit P on Google search. I'm in P right now.
P-X. Shane, did you know that Google has been

saving A-B-O-D-O?

If I put P, I get D-O-M in the Psychonaut Wiki.

Dom. Nice, dude.

Look, dude, P, Phillies, Patreon.

Pizza near me.

Yeah, dude.

This is the auto-philly.

This is the auto-philly.

You think I'm looking up Philly's Philly's schedule?

These are my P's.

Patreon, Phoenix Caspian.

What's Phoenix Caspian?

Phoenix Caspian.

It's a porn star.

No, no.

He wrote a book about solo MDMA therapy.

So doing MDMA by yourself for therapeutic purposes. Yo, Tom, did you know that Google had the fucking incognito this whole time? They just got a lawsuit where they had to get rid of it.
My gut straight to porno. Do you guys want to keep going through my P's? No, no, you're good.
Number 68, Dom from P-Cow. I don't know if you guys know what Dom is.
Guy from Grindr? Is that the guy who comes over? No, Dom is a psychedelic phenylethamine. I bet.
That I'm very interested in. Oh, D-O-M.
D-O-M. Yeah, right.
S-T-P. I'm going to get some by the end of the week.
Oh, wow. Try it out.
I bet you will. What do you tell you bet? There is no bets.
I'm speaking clearly of what I'm doing. Do you ever think about your sexuality when you're on these trips? Do you? I've gone deep into every core aspect of my head.
So what I do is once a month, I have a hammock or a fireplace, depending on the season. And I go out and I do deep self-assessments of how I got here, what's in my brain, all this stuff.
But I'm a heterosexual male. Have you experienced, have you delved into homosexuality have you explored that yeah yeah i think what it is whether or not you could no i i have no homosexual attraction in me like i know a kid that got he's he's passed now r.i.p but i know a kid he did like lsd or like one of those uh they were doing a lot of synthetics when i was in college and someone was a year you're gay you're gay and all this stuff and he got it in his head for the rest of his life.
He said dude I'm not gay and for the rest of his life he just had little inkling in his head that he was gay. But it's because he might have been a little gay.
I don't think he was. Didn't you get called gay a lot growing up? Literally until you came here.
Your older brothers didn't call you gay? Nah I mean not at this rate. I don't think you're gay.
I don think he is I mean obviously not I don't think Billy's gay at all I think he's I think he takes after his older brother He's a one woman family man Small dogs Yeah true Where are the dogs? They're at my girlfriend's parents house I have washable furniture myself They had to stay over there after what you did to them oh dude that was bad billy almost killed him i'm dropping like yeah he dropped reggie pretty much buts passed and took him with a fucking bet that was my girlfriend that was crazy dude he's getting two little baby dogs i bought spaz getting two baby dogs and it's it's not called it's called balling out yeah okay sweet dude i have a fucked up house i'm just fucking with you dude ever since i got a small dog i love they're the best they're so fucking sweet yeah i was holding it and then i was picking off shit it rolled in and then it used its hind legs to jump off of my chest and then it face planted on the concrete and its mouth was stuck i'm like and then just then just dead silent. I was like, Oh my God.

Fapping at all.

Was I fapping when that dog jumped?

I was at my,

I was in my parents,

my girlfriend's parents' backyard.

Obviously I wasn't fapping.

Girlfriend's parents' house.

Yeah.

That must be fat city.

Never fapped in there.

Really?

You did never get a load of shreds.

Yeah.

You get horny over there.

Wait,

wouldn't have to.

No way.

Never fapped.

I would,

I believe it. Yeah.
That's horny over there. Wait.
Wouldn't have to. No way.
Never fapped. I believe it.
Why would you fap in your girlfriend's bed? That's fucking hedonistic. That's weird as shit to fap in there.
You'd have to dip back. I'd assume you're always there with your girlfriend.
Yes. That would be insane.
You never get in a fight? You got to catch a fap? Yeah. I never fap after a fight.
Oh, it helps. Does it really? Yeah, you'd not.
You'd go, fuck that lady. I'd immediately break up.
If I did that, I would just immediately break up. Any inconvenience if I jerked up.
Yeah, I don't need anyone. One nut gives you 10 minutes of respite from a fight.
Any kind of emotional turmoil, I'd jerk off. Yeah, man.
Especially if you're like, oh, you don't want to have sex with me? I'll show you. And you jerk off over a toilet.
I still beat off in a bathroom. Do you jerks i'm institutionalized dude man wait till you try to bed bed tonight i can't it just feels too decadent what laying down i just beat off on the toilet always have always you stand up sit every time i like it's not i'm not fucking around your asshole out to a toilet bowl yes you sit and like sit weird no i just fucking sit there and beat off like a turn around into the toilet gone yep it's the mccusco way how is it weird there's no cleanup yeah because then like the whole point of jerking home is to get that released so you're like okay i gotta stand up now and do my final thing like why don't you just kick back and rub one out i just i told you i'm institutionalized on it's not the best way to jerk off just how i jerk off it's so weird i could never just jerk off in my bed growing up one of you fucking retards are over home you guys are always back off the booze now you have a bed so there's no way you're i know but i'm just used to doing it one way i think you like the toilet i think you're i think you're a.
I think you're saying you're institutionalized. I think you're a little weird.
You guys were in the throes of alcohol addiction when I was in seventh grade, so I had a fucking beat off in the bathroom. You definitely fart when you jack off.
I shit and then beat off. Oh, that's where it is.
You shit and then jack off? Yeah god bro you shit and then jack off

yeah always

and then you come on your poop

no it's flush

we gotta talk about something I'm a fucking family man

I'm not with this

this is perverse

it's flush

you guys told me I'm gonna come down here and play

name that tune I said I don't know about that

you guys have a very

controversial podcast I don't know if I want to be

like I don't want to talk about this kind of stuff. I thought we were going to do some wholesome family stuff.
My bad. You're talking about cumming on your poop.
No, I'd never cum on my shit. What the fuck? Now another vicious rumor gets started.
That's not that far off, dude. You said I have to poopy and then I have to cum on my poop.
I just changed the subject. I'm going to cancel the pizza order.
Don't take the pizza away. You guys will fucking starve.
Have any of you ever shit yourself while you're jerking off? No. No.
You guys have lost the plot. This is disgusting.
I was like, I think this is how people quit. I think if you shit yourself, you're like, yeah, it's rock bottom.
Wait, how did you almost shit yourself while jerking off? I was just crumming real hard and I farted and I was like, oh shit. I got to like clinch.
There's nothing wrong with a cum fart though. I've hit a couple.
It was out of control cum fart that I was kind of like. It was a runaway cum fart.
I was like, if I almost shit myself now in like 20 years, I'm definitely going to shit myself one of these times. I think about that a lot.
I think you get ejected from the game. I think that's red card.
Don't want to jerk it off for you. It's probably the sweetest release, though.
One time I was jacking off on FaceTime with a lady. I farted

so loud that I came.

All she could see was

just my red face.

Like a dark room like

oh fuck.

And I was like did you

fucking hear that? She was like no.

She was like what?

I had to tell her I farted.

I wonder if the NSA has that.

They probably do.

They probably picked up on the part.

Oh, boy.

That's just in your Illuminati packet.

How many pizzas did you order?

Three, dude.

You fucking jizz on poop, dude.

Huh?

Did you get two liters?

No, I didn't get any two liters.

You don't drink soda, bro.

When do I get the pizza, I do.

You're on J.D. Vance.

I like root beer and pizza combo. Fuck off.
Do you fuck with J.D. Vance? No.
Dude's a fucking worm. He's a fucking worm, dude.
I don't fuck with him. Are you voting this time? He's like Lyndon B.
Johnson. What? No, I'm not voting.
After Operation Warp Speed? Yeah, dude. I'm just questioning.
I'm just making sure you're staying true to your morals. I love Trump and I love what he did, but after Operation Warp Speed, I'll never vote for him again.
Bro, after he got shot and stood up and said fight they had they had me close you're not gonna vote they had me close and i will fight in my own way i'm not gonna vote that's crazy fuck them then he attacked he attacked roguese too which was hilarious wait who attacked roguese let me work out so trump trump yeah what did trump say about roguese i'm with trump there wait what's the roguesean Trump beef? He didn't even endorse RFK Jr. He just said nice shit about RFK.
And then Trump truthed him into oblivion. Somebody clipped it and said Rogan endorsed RFK.
So then Trump tweeted. He was like, I wonder how much Rogan's going to get booed at the next UFC event.
Trump's drunk with power. Turn it on to everybody.
Everyone's going to be so mean to you now. It's like, dude, stop doing that.
Trump's a butt spaz. Trump's a butt spaz.
Not after that shot. What? If you get shot and pop up and fight.
What shot? No, you're a blue anon, bro. I'm not blue anon.
You're a white dude for Harris. You're definitely a white dude.
I don't believe any of it. I don't even got shat, fucking Arch Cheeto.
I didn't say that. I said it was fake.
You're a white dude for Harris, bro. We're all on the same show.
It's all fake. I hear you.
I hear you. You drove right to side by side.
They're both the fucking shitty side. I'm not blue anon.
He definitely got shot, though. Something, but it was set.
The whole thing was set. He definitely got shot.
I think we're in a matrix, honestly. No, dude, he got shot, but that whole thing was set.
As close to a miracle as I'm ever going to see. Yo, why do you think they call them weekdays? Because they get you weak every single day.
True, that's why you say good morning because you're waking up in morning. I say Grand Risen.
Have you seen that video? I've seen all these videos. No, but nothing bothers me more than when people think words like that they're like words have power you spell them because there are spells yeah it's like early onset schizzer i know one word that's the highest tier of black knowledge did you know they're spells if you go back into that waters of newt but yeah i think that there's something fishy about that trump dance all i'm saying yeah i mean well you know what i would agree with you if they were still on the news every day but that shit came and went my thing is if they wanted to kill him they could kill him no shit it wasn't like they wanted to kid they just let a guy shoot him i don't think so no there's guys in the water tower there's there was other people at hand i've seen the

water tower footage it's not it doesn't hold up dude i've looked at it nine million times there's multiple shooters but that's the thing look at it once and if you want to believe it at this point i wanted to fucking believe it gives a fuck yeah at this point so yeah there's people on the fucking towers if people can identify as whatever they want you can believe a dude was on tower It's called your truth bro

Just believe

I mean

I think you're gonna vote i 100 won't watch me i'll live they're gonna they are gonna get you to vote you're gonna get so many white dudes for harris that you're gonna be like i hope these fuckers lose and i hope they do but i won't sit there i fucking sat dude you think you think i want to vote i want to i want to over trump i sat there with a fucking mask on my chin in line in 2020 waiting to vote like a fucking idiot like a fucking idiot like ralph wiggum with my finger up my nose i'm helping i'm gonna change everything you know what happened nothing because i x the fucking bubble instead of filled in like a retard. So I'm done.

You might have gave up PA.

I'm done.

They counted yours.

Yeah, they counted me for fucking Biden.

I voted in 2000 once.

For who?

Ralph Nader.

There's no way.

Matt, have you voted yet?

Not yet.

Yeah, I still haven't busted my chair yet.

This might be the big year.

This might be the big year.

I was all hyped on Ralph Nader in 2000.

I was 18.

I thought that was a funny shit to say in school when I was in grade school.

What?

Ralph Nader.

We all thought that was a funny shit.

I went and saw him speak at the library and I was like, this is my man.

I remember seeing Bernie Sanders at Drexel.

Philadelphia Free Library.

Free Library.

I'll take it.

Yeah, he spoke at like in one of those halls down there. I was like, fuck yeah, ron paul got me fired up spade saw ron paul in the airport no rand paul rand paul sorry rand paul who's the guy who's attacking fauci's that's rand paul yeah yeah it's rand fauci just got covet again did he what the heck yeah i think he's got six boosters if you're fully boosted i I think it seven to eight boosters you have it's nine you should try them and whatever cancer you're currently you should try them you should go in the woods i love my swan song tom's gonna do heroin no i said if i had a million dollars i would sit down with carl hart but i would need enough to like just if your life fell apart i don't think it would fall apart at this point like Like you either have an addictive gene or you don't.
And the fact that like, I have zero, you do it and not get addicted. I can take heroin once and I get addicted.
That would be the ultimate fall. Yeah.
It's like, I don't drink coffee. I don't smoke cigarettes.
I don't get drunk. Like I have, I don't smoke weed every day.
You can't pick up the phone or else you touch. Nah, what's that? I could drink six beers right now.
I just don't like the way it makes me act so like when i was younger i used to binge drink it's like a fucking alcoholic no it's not an alcoholic someone who can't control how much they drink so like the last like 30 times i drank that's like saying like oh dude i can't do hair because when i do it i do so fucking much no no what i'm saying is like i stopped binge drinking when i was 24 yeah because you had an alcohol I was just a dickhead. I was a party animal.
I was young. But then after that.
You're just a rock star. Even when I first started, even when I first like got married, I would go out and have like four, like three or four beers.
Yeah. But I was like, I don't like this stuff.
I was hooked on like having crazy nights. Yeah.
You're high on life. So I was like, when I was like 15, 16, 17, the best nights of my life because I drank 100 beers.
Yeah. So I kept that going and eventually I was like, this isn't where it's at anymore.
Yeah, shit rocks. You know what I'm saying? So it's like weed.
Like, I used to think you had to smoke like 50 bong loads. Tom used to get fucked up.
I've heard Tom was a menace. I was a menace when I drank.
I'll give you that. But like the same thing with weed.
Like when I smoke weed now, I drink, I'll smoke like two puffs of a bowl. And I'm like, oh, this is way more.
Your speed. This is better.
So like what I'm saying is like, I think you could put any drug in front of me. Like I could do cocaine and be like, that was an experience, but I'm not going to be like, I need more cocaine.
Are you sure? Yeah, that's what I mean. Have you done cocaine like that? I was blacked out once and I did it.
Oh, bro. Trust me.

That stuff.

That'll get you.

Try coke, then heroin.

Let's see how it turns out.

I'll 100% do it.

You should just go on a bender.

It's not a bender, though.

You've got to understand.

I know, but you should.

You've got this, like.

Just hit one.

I wouldn't want to go on a bender.

But it'd be sick.

Like, I'm not into compulsive redosing of anything.

But you've never done coke. You can't compulsively redose DMT unless you're Beezer.
Well, you could. I mean, there's people who are like constantly trying to get fucked up.
I don't do that. Like if I go to a wedding, if I go anywhere in public, I'm always sober.
Yeah. Once a week or once a month, I will buckle down, batten down the hatches, and like get deep into my subconscious.
You should like drugs lab out and do like pure coke. I would once like if I had like enough like established right.
But I'd rather cover all my bases first. So I had like a strong background to judge them against.
Okay. You know what I mean? So like I'm working on mescaline now.
That was supposed to be tonight but I gave it it up for you guys. Yeah, thanks, man.
So, I'm going to do that Friday. No one said it was going to be easy, bro.
It's not an easy life I've chosen. It's the hardest yoga of all.
What happens when you take mescaline? So, I've only done it in, like, lower doses. So, on Friday, I'm going to do a high dose.
And it's kind of like, you've never really taken MDMA. I think you got some speed offline one time i did math yeah yeah but like you know when you take mdma and you get that like that like that swell of everything's good yeah but it's kind of like i would be like i love andrew so much yo bro i'm saying if you're on mdma like bro you guys are so fucking i'm just trying to explain this i hear you really explain explain it less gay it gay at all.
I love Andrew. I'll say that openly.
Okay. What? I love my wife.
I love Andrew. I love you.
Shane, I don't see you enough. We're getting to know each other.
But so on the mescaline, you don't get that like urge to spill your guts. It's just that feeling, but you're like internalizing it and you're like processing all...
I don't want to say exactly where where do you we should find out where he does this and we should get some nice Halloween costumes it's not like that I would just be like hey it's my friend's Halloween costumes once you do enough psychedelics you don't get scared like that you're dying for real this time I'd be like guys I'm in the middle of something did you say on acid that you fucking thought someone was taking care of you? No. One time I took acid, right? I was in the woods and I took like three hits of acid.
And as I came out of it, I was like so grateful for the person that takes care of me for like five minutes. And then as I fully emerged from it, I was like, oh, that's just me.
But it wasn't like, like if someone had come up in the woods i would have snapped out but you like you thought someone was leaving you all those snacks and treats while you're i thought there was a guy named tom because at the time i was connected to my like soul yeah so like you broke out of the net i broke out of like the the net the net of which i'm trapped what the ancient egyptians call it so like what i'm saying with mescaline is you get all those mdma feelings and like like see how that lamp looks yeah like that lamp would be mind-blowing but it wouldn't be distorted at all right you'd just be like whoa those lights are cool everything's cool it's just that feeling high on life high on life but at the same time you're like you're processing all of your emotional stuff right without kind of filter. So it's like MDMA, but like it goes way deeper into you.
Any drug you wanted to? What's that? Any drug you wanted to? Off limits? Datora? I mean like opiates, datora, like I'm not that into it. Like I'd say I would do heroin on the chance.
Like I don't want to do heroin. but like, if someone was like, it's not fair that you like doctor,

the whole conversation was I was saying,

Dr.

Carl Hart's argument was that heroin and methamphetamines are the same thing as

psychedelics.

Right.

We just have a different,

I mean,

if you take enough of math,

probably.

But no,

he's saying like low doses.

Oh,

okay.

So like,

I was like,

I disagree with that.

And I was telling Andrew,

like,

if he took acid,

I would take heroin side by side and be like,

these are different.

Yeah. That was my whole argument.
I wasn't saying like, yo to get a bag you know where i get you know very close in on heroin versus lsd i think that you just look at the country and you're like dude it's definitely way yeah but what he's saying is it's a perception thing so it's like if you sat someone down in a tent and you had a robe on and you gave them heroin you told told them this was a mystical experience you can only do once, they would walk away from it and be like, I had that mystical experience. I'm good.
But by the time you get heroin, it's the channel it's coming through. Whereas it's like the same thing with LSD where it's like people are like, this makes you freak out.
Then you give it to someone and they freak out. It's like the power of suggestibility.
So you're saying like heroin comes with a thing of addiction,

and by the time you get there, you're already on a train of addiction.

So you're like doing drugs, you're getting high,

you do heroin, and heroin fills that void.

But what he's saying is like if you looked at it the same –

he's just basically trying to justify the use of heroin,

but he's saying like it can be a spiritual

experience if it was in a spiritual framework that makes sense yeah that makes sense but it's also there's probably i think it was like when it first came out when it was like opium and stuff people were like yo this is kind of chill and i think they slowly became like addicted to opium some people did because some people have that itch to like constantly like all of china Yeah, they got obliterated by the fucking

But it's like

They hit us with that fin what i'm saying is it's it's on par with like alcohol addiction in america so like if you could go to a corner bar and get clean pure heroin people would not have all the problems we have you are a white dude for harris bro i am not i don't fuck with voting i'm just saying the channels of which i mean this is this is gonna get boring this isn't a fun podcast i can't believe billy jizzed on his own shit yeah i just did it dude even if you flush it the smells like yeah there's definitely some shit in there and you plaster and you plaster the the walls a little bit occasionally sometimes you jizz on it you jizz on some Are you looking forward or are you like doing that turned around? Turn around. Do you bend forward and jizz backwards? Oh, you're pissing.
Yeah. Yeah, you squat your legs.
Are you like sitting like that? Are you looking at your poop? No, no, no. I literally stand up.
Oh, you stand up? Yeah, stand up. Hit it with the back shot.
Do you make noise? No, I don't. I was literally just talking about this is fate.
It's demonic. If you moan while you jerk.
Yeah, it is. Have you ever? No.
You ever been like, oh, fuck. Every once in a while.
Have you ever like right when you're about to like, I'm a lose one, poop at the exact same time?

No.

Just checking.

No.

I mean, yeah.

Where you simultaneously had a poop coming out?

No, I'm not that.

We had a friend in high school that told us he did this, and we called him Dookie Jerk

the rest of his high school.

I used to jerk off the toilet, but I didn't know that it wouldn't go away.

I couldn't really see it that good.

Oh, yeah. You load it up on the wall? Yeah, just there.
My sister would be like, what did you do? She was younger than me. Wait, what was in there? You know, like, jerk off on the toilet and it's like there on the thing.
I would just roll. I wouldn't even flush it.
I was like, what? Oh, shit. I was retarded.
Oh, damn. He was a full load in the toilet.
Wow. Do you remember when we had the biology books? Yeah.
From like the Newman library? I like took that book and fucking demolished it. What was it? I came on that book, fucking wiped it off.
That was a book everybody had shared. That's the one you got to return at the end of school year.
Yeah. Freak.
Damn. Like the book of souls.
Like a leather. The Delaware County Book of the Dead.
We should switch over to the peach. Yeah, we can switch.
The peach is almost here. Matt, I'm not going to pause.
Gardini can just cut it just so it's easier for him. Just back end shit you guys don't have to worry about.
But do you have Spotify on your computer? Well, let me check check i don't think so like can you log into spotify on your computer because you can share the audio but just you have to be an honest man not look i'm not gonna look i don't know that i have just go to spotify.com oh yeah that i can do for sure yeah go to spotify do you have spotify or an apple music guy i'm a spotify guy yeah go on spotify log in and then you can do but no problem. Premium, I'm a Spotify guy.
Yeah. Go on Spotify, log in, and then you can do it.

No problem.

Premium.

I hope.

Premium.

Thank you.

You get some seltzer down there.

Dude.

Watch,

watch,

watch all the wires,

bro.

Fucking up the stew,

bro.

Yeah.

Put the wires under the rug.