Ep 507 - Nakey Vacation (feat. Billy, Spud, & Charles Blyzniuk)

The Wild Wild Wes.

If not, it's recording on here and we can do how podcast should be audio only. Audio only.
You know, you know I like that. I'm tired of people commenting on my physical features.
Yeah, I don't like that shit. You should take a picture and then like hold it up like a still image.
Yeah. And then just the audio.
Yeah. I don't know.
Even my nicest photo is good. You can destroy it.
I got AI myself. They've been doing that.

What's that?

They've been doing that.

AI and me?

No, no, no.

AI and major things that are happening right now. Oh, nice.

Like what?

Kamala Harris' event.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're coming out saying the shit is an AI-generated image.

They're like, look at this massive fucking crowd.

It's just AI-generated.

The Lea Kaur Center got me fuming, bro.

It's like against the law, right?

They did that with Taylor Swift.

They just tried to bomb a Taylor Swift.

Oh, the Chiefs Taylor Swift was fucking nice.

What?

They made like a really hot picture of Taylor Swift.

Oh, yeah.

Like getting like spanked by Chiefs fans.

Oh, the AI, yeah.

Wait, that wasn't real? Yeah. Fucked off no it was like yeah it was i saw it briefly then later on i was like i'd like to see that again just for research on this they can't find it they took it down what the hell they took it down and they like had a congressional hearing about it or something it's like against the law to make...
Or they're trying to make it against the law, aren't they?

It seems too close to being able to draw a nude.

That's what I mean.

It's bordering Charlie Hebdo.

You can draw some nudes.

Oh, yeah.

You're talking about pictures.

Do you ever see yourself when Uber Eats takes a picture of you?

That's a fucked up situation, dude. I have a holding the bag.
Like a big game hunter. That is tough.
Third time today. Two marinas, please.
I want to see if I can find them. Oh, wait.
They keep them in there? Fuck, dude. I must have a gallery.
Insane gallery. gallery yeah i've saved a couple of just like long basketball shorts yeah the guy's like let me take a picture of you i'm like you making fun of me and he's like no i have to do it for the app yeah logging into a like airports have those where they just take a picture of your face the camera's at a desk level it's just just you going.
Driver's license. Just got my license again.
Really? Another brutal photo. Insane photo.
Oh yeah, I showed you my... He was like, do you want to retake it? And you gotta be a man.
You gotta go, no, I don't care. Nah, it doesn't matter.
You gotta just have that for the next six years. I did that with a retarded dude by his parents.

The one. You got to put that all the way to him, bro.
Don't be scared to tug on that arm. You know, it's all special needs by your parents.
Yeah, yeah. Dude took my picture and it was so, I gained like 30 pounds in the pig.
And he's like, is that good? I was like, it's good, man. Thanks.
Yeah, thank you very much. I drove for like five minutes in like a swirl being like, that that's what i look like yeah i see myself in pictures all the time it just fucking kills me i had to take some this morning insane for what i just woke up and got coffee and people asked for a photo oh and it's a selfies you just see your own face like right when you look at you like oh fuck looks like you just got punched in the eyes just the fattest swollen face going that's why he crushes that hood dude yeah i get the full face zipper just actually might be nice i got some brutal photos i got some brutal photos from that uh that was so bad just i mean dude yeah spade he was the was behind him.
Bruce Springsteen? Yes. Holy shit.
Yeah, they... Dude, I got so fucked up.
I got so fucked up from not sleeping. I was so fucked up from not sleeping when I came back from my trip, and I got a little drunk at pool, right? And dude, late at night, I was so wired.
EJ was like, how are you still awake, dude? And I was like, I don't know. And we're just talking.
And like, this is, I don't even know how to put this into words, but I was so like tired and emotional. I started talking about this like thing where Bruce Springsteen was dealing with the Vietnam vets during Born in the USA, you know? And I was like trying not to cry.
Just telling him about a fucking documentary. Now this is where I get emotional.
We're talking about the boss and I was like getting all fucking in my feelings about it. Damn, dude.
I've had that a lot lately. I got hungover and emotional this yesterday.
Did you cry? I was close, and it was the most embarrassing part. Revenge of the Sith with Batman.
I love you. I can't go with you.
And I was on the couch going, this is really good acting. Natalie Portman's like really good yeah I just I don't know why I just been like I don't know if it's like 5G or I'm just becoming softer it's 5G they're killing our testosterone like I don't know maybe Reggie and Stevie are just making me soft but I see shit now and I'm just like fuck yeah you love your dog you love that you and steve i'll kill for them i get fucking destroyed by puerto ricans every time i take him out on the day oh my god oh when zeus was dying and i was crying i go what's gonna happen man and you're like you're just gonna get up it's gonna be another day dude what's your problem i was a kid man yeah you were a little fucking dickhead.
I was crying. I go, what's going to happen, man? And you're like, you're just going to get up.
It's going to be another day, dude. What's your problem? I was a kid, man.
You were a little fucking dickhead. I was just having fun years ago.
You're a little hard ass. How would you feel if you were me? I was constantly getting fucked with.
My best pal's dog was dying. I said, we got to get nervous.
Obviously, it's sad. I gave him some days to grieve.
I don't want to think about them fucking dying. I think about everyone dying.
They're against me.

It's nice.

Sith fucking rules.

When Obi-Wan goes to get him

on a planet, that's fucking tough.

It's nice.

Or use Blizz's mic. That might be easier.

Yeah, Blizz.

Anytime Spade starts talking, just put it in his face.

Pause.

You say Bill's Anakin?

Bill's Anakin, dude.

Are you Yoda or Obi?

I want to be Obi.

He claims Obi so hard.

You have to be Yoda, though.

I'm small like Yoda.

Fucking dude.

Trump got fucking endorsed by Moss full-throated.

Where did he do it? That's what he said. He's like, Elon Musk supports me full throated.
Trump the Hulk's starting to say some wild stuff. He's getting old.
He's getting old. He's getting real old.
That's what my mom hit that shit where it was. I just like that.
The speech he did with all the black chicks and said they were 35 minutes late. Amazing.
He was just like, well, I was like, I just like him because a crap it's like yeah my my grave is a real renegade that's what i want out of a president obviously dude walls is a fucking freak i don't know anything about walls hate him stolen valor guy like you here's stolen valor i could never stolen. Merch.
Harris Wall's merch is like tree camo.

Yeah.

Real tree.

Yeah.

The non-binary are trying to take real tree back.

Mossy Oak and real trees like in their fucking gear now.

That's all.

That's all for guys like us.

It's only for hunters like us.

Yeah.

I've never shot a rifle.

It's only for blue collar hunters.

We're in tree camo holding up the Uber Eats.

If I have that pussy crying during revenge fucking uber eats i would make a face like i took a shot if i had to cut a deer i'd be very sad it's fucking gross it is gross i've been around it's fucking disgusting when they're hanging in a garage cutting a deer and they're like dude it's great beef jerky and the beef jerky has like fucking hair fucking wild bill's beef jerky he's good as shit the guy in my when i worked at a car dealership at once a week during deer season he would bring in deer like he'd bring in like a crock pot of like a isn't there like a nuclear plant near you too yeah there's just the worst beef jerky on the planet jammed everyone's just deer with six heads yeah i was just talking to a dude about that he was like he lives in the one up near like levittown or some shit and i was like bro do you just like fucking stare at that thing and just wait for it to pop yeah it's fun to stare at but like dude that's fucking scary time i cross that bridge i stare at it i go oh three mile out i get excited every time i say I say, ooh, the mighty Susquehanna. That's every time me and Spades.

Every time I drive over it, I go to the mighty Susquehanna.

The mighty Susquehanna.

It is mighty.

It's big.

It's big and mighty.

I like big rivers.

There's no denying a good big river.

What do you think about the axe, bro?

Fully modded telecaster.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Leave it up there.

It's not in tune. Fully modded tele.
Hold on. Let me tell you how sick the axes were.
There were some sick axes. Oh, fuck, bro.
I wish I went. True.
Dude, it was. It's like you forgot my home or something.
I'm not going to. It's a cool experience.
Dude, you don't have to be ashamed of the fact that you got to go to the Zach Bryan concert. Well, we went twice.
Me and Blizz went to both. Obviously.
Because we were there Friday, and they were like the boss is coming tomorrow and it was like well i guess you know we had a couple drinks i was like i'll definitely be there woke up yesterday or uh saturday just hurt i was like fuck i gotta go back to that again then you know you get there you get a couple of suds you go oh shit boss and illuminators to be on there. What's the difference between being on stage with you just doing stand-up comedy and live music? That has to be eons better.
It was the most uncomfortable I've ever been. Bro, it's so bad.
Were you drunk? Even watching it from the... No, I wasn't hammered yet.
Dude, that's like going to a wedding and being like, come on, get on the dance floor. Times fucking 90 million.
And everyone else has a guitar and can just air guitar bro you have to i hit an air guitar for about five seconds and then most of the time stood completely upright with my hand in my pocket while everyone else was dancing it was fucking it was crazy you just keep getting in these situations there was like two solos before you What's that? They sang out there too early. They sang out so early.
I was up there for eight minutes. There was like two solos before you.
It was like two guys like wailing on like a banjo. At one point, I was just like facing out away from the...
You ever see that? You like Jim Morrison? Did you ever see the Dutch national team, soccer team, where they have like special needs kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's a bro with downs in front going.
I was literally doing that.

I was standing on the edge of the stage by myself just going, whoa, look at all this.

And then I turned around and it was Bruce Springsteen was right behind me playing a guitar.

And he was like, yeah.

And I was for real like, oh, yeah.

Just holding back throw up. I was literally like, I got it.

People were, my friends were down there like dance.

I could see my friends like you got to do something.

You should just start air humping.

They started asking security.

They're like, can somebody get him off stage?

He's scared.

My friends.

They're like, he's fucked up.

We got to get him out of there.

I would fucking melt, dude.

It was. Yeah.
Hold on. I'll show you a fucking video of it when well i guess after you literally see me going i always thought about that because like i'll watch videos like stevie ray vaughn perform and like stand up must feel cool when like you go out and everyone like fucking freaks out but if you're ripping through a solo on cocaine i don't think there's a feeling that comes anywhere fucking close to that.
No, dude. That was me the entire time.
Oh my God, bro. It's kind of sick though.
It was the coolest shit possible. Then you went home and watched Star Wars and cried.
The next day I watched Star Wars and cried, dude. You had to get allegations on you, dude.
The allegations are strong.

I want someone to just make a highlight tape of you meeting Aaron Judge going out on stage and everything.

It's getting worse.

Here comes the boom.

The tism is for real getting significantly worse.

I just don't know what to do in those situations.

And everyone else has a guitar.

Also, you think you know the words to the song until you get on that stage.

Oh, no.

There you go.

I have no idea where I am. Everyone else has headphones so they can hear where you're at in the song i had nothing i was just up there like they wanted to sing yeah you have to sing the one part of it but then they would be like come on jump in and sing the whole yeah it's like i have no i don't i'm like just hold up the wrong lip sync is the greatest movie i had nothing but wrong lip syncs the entire time.
It was so bad. You got it to Ashley Simpson dance.
They had earphones so they could hear me singing. And dudes would be like, I'm screaming.
They just hear you breathing. Yeah, that's fucking terrifying.
Hold on, this lady is... Did you watch this live? Yeah, I got to see it live.
The audience did very much enjoy it. I mean, they went crazy.
It was awesome. It made me almost cry.
It was really cool. That's awesome.
It was pretty... Backstage, they like...
Literally, as soon as Bruce Springsteen gets off stage, they like cart him to his dressing room and then they like block it off. But then we walk and there's like two dudes with like very intense goatees blocking Bruce Springsteen's thing.
Six walks by and he goes, yo, what's up? Who's back there? The boss? Nice. Six is in two dimensions at once.
How about... And then he'd just leave.
He would just be by himself. He's always like, I need to smoke a cigarette.
Walk this. Walks around the stadium.
He gets lost in the stadium. I'll get a text like, yo, they're not letting me out there.
I'll just meet you guys at Bonner's later. Yeah, it's like, dude, how far out of the stadium did you go? What the fuck? How crazy is this? It sounds like people are dying.
People are going. Oh, my fucking God.
Dude, here's the one.

There's him doing the Trump dance.

And then there's Bruce Springsteen.

The Trump dance.

Also a tally man.

I like his early work.

It was awesome.

Zach Bryant's the bro.

Lumineers are the bros.

Really?

Might have been the nicest.

He and Wesley and his wife Bryn are the bros really couldn't be might have been the nicest he and wesley and his wife brind they're like the nicest people they're probably the best fans too because everyone i know who likes lumineers is very easygoing yeah it's very nice how about the car on the way back yeah so blues is just sitting in the back next to the lead singer the lumineers he's like why don't we play my new album we're like yeah definitely puts it on he's like turn it the fuck up put it the whole way up blast this shit we're like yeah it was sick then he starts singing with it yeah in a bucket seat next to blizz and blizz is like yeah i just had to like smile and be like thank you for playing this it's really nice and he's just like keep singing like i don't know what to say to this but it sounds good man rocks our lifestyle might not make it for real yesterday was a big time might not make it that's why it was time to cry during patima that's the time to do it george lucas pull it out of you lucas yeah bro fucking spielberg's making a movie from the viewpoint of the evil man in a horror film. That'd be good.
It's fucking scary. Is it? It's called perspective, I think.
That's my connection. And it's just the fucking this entity that goes around.
It's a little scary. This episode is brought to you by Max.
Welcome to your new American dream. Go inside the lives of the original influencers and now global sports and entertainment superstars Jake and Logan Paul as they launched their latest venture a new family reality series Paul American on Max oh yeah see behind the curtain of fame and into the Paul's high octane lives up and close up close and personal look at Logan and Jake their partners and their parents I want to get a good look at their partners and parents.
So do I. Yep.
Dude, Shane, love them or hate them, you won't be able to look away. Stream Paul American Thursdays exclusively on Max.
I just fucking maxed out on The Shining. Shining rules.
That's as scary as I'll get. It's really scary.
I heard Long Legs is scary. Did you watch Long Legs? No, I have not.
Sorry, Stevie and Reggie are getting into something. Yeah, they always are.
Stevie fucking eats so much shit. It's fucking disgusting.
They hit you with that shit breath. They're like, oh, come here.
It's just immediate fucking shit breath. Yeah, my sister's dog, Riggins, has the worst breath of all time.
He'll just come up to you, and he's the best guy. He's just a big old dog and he'll come up and he's so nice and then he'll breathe and you're just like oh my god they got that it's too late um but yeah that was that was about as cool as it gets yeah which i oh dude the worst part is i get up there everyone's doing solos and you i gotta stand there stand there or try to dance.
There's only one other guy on stage without an instrument, and he's the hottest, most charismatic dude on earth. Oh, yeah, that's crazy.
Just the hottest guy on earth. He literally – Just run around and be like, yeah, don't fuck up, run around the stage.
Like JC with Kid Rock. Hype beast.
He was a hype beast. He's a hype beast.
And then there was one part of a girl at the end was holding up – like, you know how how they write things on the phone and hold it up. And she was like to me.
And I was like, hey, what's this say? And it was like the guy in the green shirt is the hottest guy of all time. Yeah, all right.
See you. See you.
I watch a lot of those compilations of like chicks at rap concerts with their boyfriends. Like, I will fuck you right now.
And her boyfriend's right behind him. That fucking hurts.
Yeah, you can't watch that. That's the devil.
Oh my God. Spade sends me devil shit sometimes.
He sent me shit last night where there's this fucking man on the street interviews and the chick goes back with all the dudes and it's like, I only fuck these guys. There's a dude that's going around going, are you going to get him back? Microphone.
There's a dude that does on the street interviews with girls and he's like, are you going to are you going to get him back? What? Microphone. Microphone.
There's a dude that does like on the street interviews with girls. And he's like, you know, are you going to make him pay for that? Are you going to get him back? And he's like, oh, yeah, I'm out tonight.
I'm cheating tonight. Never saw this? No.
We live in a fallen state, bro. That shit gets me so sad.
It gets me. Spade just watched Braveheart last night.
Oh, shit. I met.
Have you guys been watching the Kensington Avenue live stream cameras? I drive up it every Tuesday. Yeah, you see it.
You see it real life. It's kind of getting cleaner, honestly.
I know. Really? Yeah.
In regards to Kensington. That's Kamala's, bro.
No, it's the new mayor of Philly. She's a motherfucker.
That's Kamala, bro. Chinese woman.
I think she's Chinese. I think it's time to give Kamal some credit.
Shut the fuck. You're a comedian for Kamal.

Sometimes you wish

you were black. All right.

No, that's a dagger. You know that's a dagger.

Or are you just a white dude

for Kamal? Was that Stiller

that says that? Stiller wishes he was black.

Come on, man. You've never been there?

Yeah, obviously. I had G-Unit the Massacre

album, bro. I would draw G-Unit even tony ayo was jacked in my pictures how cool were those fucking tank for him i wish i could have the boxy i remember that was like string bikini yeah i remember i was i would drive through philadelphia every now and then with like tom or matt and all the black kids had the real long jordan shorts that had the cool fucking thing at the bottom and i just had no clue where to get them and it was all my all my gear was blank t-shirts from footlocker and the footlocker fucking shorts you just see your dick so obviously oh speaking of that today is awfully windy and i walked outside today in this gray sweatsuit tiniest penis on earth and i i had to put my hand in my pocket to hide it.
I was walking down the street. My clothes were air.
Yeah, you look like you were vacuum sealed. My clothes got vacuum sealed to the front of me.
Just nubbed it the whole way down, Walnut. One pocket in.
It's just so obvious. One pocket in.
That's just my hand. Walk backwards.
And it's just like the outline. I was like, at least the walkbacks can be nice because the wind's blown that way.
Nope. Same thing.
Vacuum sealed dong again. Yes.
The century will see me. They're like, That's what fucking blows.
I see it on Instagram now of dudes taking pictures of you. That fucking sucks, dude.
Yeah, blows ass, dude. You should just cry.
That's all I'm crying all day. This is what you have going on with your life, you fucking idiot.
What, are they taking mean pictures of me? No, no, no. I'm like, Shane, hey, Shane, you're very nice enough.
But it's just like, I told Spade, I don't even get paparazzi anymore because there's Google. It's like, if you want to see a picture, just Google Shane.
Instead, it's like, oh, Shane. Dan, you might get, if someone gets you on a windy day, you might get Shane Gillis fappening pics.
If somebody got a photo of that today, I'm ruined, dude. Imagine if they got you up to beat.
It couldn't be a bigger knob. You better not go on vacation, naked.
I'll never be naked. Naked on a balcony.
I'd jump. If someone called me naked on a balcony, I'd drop my fucking wallet or some shit, turn around, inch and a half.
It's game over like they're fucking doing mean shit to people taking random like it's cool if you're like fucking gyllenhaal or affleck affleck gets fucked constantly crushed that dude's just trying to survive and it's like he's going through like if you took a picture of me while i was having snizz problems dude you would call suicide help that's a scream car yeah that's it that's right And then it's like dude he looks like shit it's like you look like shit too it's like when you see the britney spears or like kanye west freak out on paparazzi it's like yeah they're having a bad day yeah let them yeah especially they're aggressive sucker punch i only had that one freak out was the autograph guy after the show well they sell yeah the first heliumium show, I had as close as I've gotten to a spaz. Did you? They do the...
Stop it. They get autographs, and they don't go to the show.
They just show up and get autographs and sell them. And they need to get a picture with the autograph to verify it.
So I just had a fucking awful set. I just bombed in front of all my friends.
Shane, you're my hero. And these dudes were that was a great show man i was like yeah what was your favorite joke because i knew they didn't go in and then he was like uh sold out so fast couldn't get tickets but loved you on billions i was like you read the wrong bio that was you fucker yeah and then the guy was like can i get i took like three pictures with three different guys and then the last guy i was just, I got to go.
And he was like, fucking Jag off. Was he Australian? He's like, oh, you're going to big time me, dude.
I was like, oh, man. Yeah, the fucking crazy thing.
I was just having a bad day. Dude, this is cool.
What's the SIG going for? That's where you take the umbrella to him. What's the SIG going for? No, I have no idea.
The SG SIG at least has to be $50. No, it's got to be a $4.
A little. a little 50 spot for the sg 250.
i'm just ripping off sweet girlfriends that's who they're ripping off really no there's so yeah it's like what do i get my boyfriend i'll get him this yeah i had a trello and signed fucking card and plaque photograph i got you what it's here that thing should be framed obviously that be in here. I'll get it in here.

Don't you worry about that.

Don't break my heart.

I won't break your achy-brakey.

I know you're on thin ice right now, dude.

Life gets tough sometimes, but you'll make it.

No, I'm good today.

Today I'm feeling...

I couldn't imagine that.

Yeah, that does suck.

Freshness.

All your bad days getting pictures taken and stuff like that. Why can't we go to top golf i just want to go to top golf sail it they got a correction driver i like top golf they used to have stand-up at top golf remember that it was in jersey it was fun it was like matt's comeback yeah that was after matt took a break from stand-up yeah i think i'm just gonna do top golf from now on he told me the same thing he's like i might just tour top golfs.
It on. He told me the same thing.
He's like, I might just tour Topgolfs.

It's the best place on the fucking planet.

It is the best.

I enjoy it.

Where did you get all this gear?

I went to Nike.com.

Expensive polos.

Are they?

I think they're like $60.

That's pretty fucking expensive.

How much is that fucking shirt?

Yeah, it's a 90 shirt.

That's easy $90. Nah.
nah i think 45 on dark sports bro what's the dark sports dark sports is for the twisted bodybuilders i just saw dorian yates have and i worship that the ground that man walks on so i was like damn sick shirt i'll get it they got me on the merch i was nice merch got your ass i feel gay for even talking about taking pictures of people that was embarrassing no i'm fine no yeah everything's fine there's no one's gonna go shane gillis i'm damian lewis from billions i don't know what you're talking about spade saw him in the fuck accidentally on one of our videos where spades travel that he went to new york and there was this fucking uh like maybe unhoused person was just like dude like you got we got a fucking chill and behind spade talking this dude just damian lewis talking at the bar the whole fucking time did you say what's up or did you not even notice him until i saw him but i was like i'm not i was with an unhinged dude you were just with a homeless yeah he was tall just shooting the breeze they'll get me at the bar yeah just coming yeah they just come in and they're like there's my guy yeah yeah he'll chat some dude some bum just hit me up the other day i was walking down the street he goes yo which way is the bus i was like i don't know dude but the train the septa l's right there that was on gerard i was like yeah and goes up front He goes, all right, what's your name? Billy. He's like, I don't know, dude, but the train, the septa L's right there.
The L's on Gerard. I was like, yeah, and then goes up front street.
He goes, all right, what's your name? Billy. He's like, Billy the Kid.
He smiles at me and just turns around. It's like this dude just watching my whole entire life.
He's always there. That's a guardian angel.
I know he was. He was doing heroin.
Okay. Call me Billy the Kid.
It's kind of nice. But yeah, I have a similar problem where i am just like a homeless person comes up to me what's your name charles and then 45 minutes later they're like this is why you have to apologize differently you have to say sorry you can't say sorry because then you're sorry and i'm like yes okay it's like and he's like by the way can you buy me you're like 45 dollars worth like, okay, sure.
Did they get you on the cigs? I just didn't. I can't.
A guy got me like three weeks ago heading into Primo's Hagee's. Oh, yeah.
He just followed me in. He was like, can you give me a bag of chips? I was like, yeah, dude, I'll definitely get you.
They got like salt and vinegar and chips. That's a wild thing with no beverage.
Tim. That's self-harm.
If you crush salt and vinegar and no beverage, that's fucking crazy. This guy sat outside and crushed salt and vinnies in Rittenhouse Square Park.
That puts his health bar full, though. They've been chasing people.
I know two chicks have gotten chased on Front Street. Easy pickers.
I would love that. Just having five minutes of what the fuck's going through their head is probably so freeing.
There was a lady that followed me and Beezer were walking. The lady was like a block away.
She was moving. It was like, fuck, she's going to get us.
We saw her attack somebody with like a stick. She had like a broomstick.
And she was like, yeah, get the fuck out of here. I'm going to quote her on this.
She's like, oh, city of fucking faggots. Fuck.
Who did she think? Lady's got a point. It might have been.
Oh, Ben Foltz. Six told me about this.
She goes, thanks a lot Ben Foldz. We got a whole generation of faggots.
Holy fuck. She was gaining on us.
I was talking to Six about that. like literally like a benfold song or video had to be the last thing she saw before she just like went offline the brain the brain broke yeah whatever it was might be 5g bro 5g is making us cry no i mean dude for real like i know like you think i'm fucking around but it actually fucks with your emotions.
Don't roll your eyes, bro. I'm telling you.
They put it all over the place before it goes. It is what it is.
You're in love and you got some dogs. I don't know.
It was before that. It was before that.
I swear to God, during COVID. They just kicked the 5G up when you fell in love and got dogs.
Yes. Dude, they got a box right outside my house.
There's a 5 a 5G box out there's a little box right on the top of the telephone pole. I won't shoot it.
I don't fuck with that shit. Alright, just I'll just say this back in there.
That's back in the early 1900s. I'm not getting defensive.
I'm just worried about you me. Yeah, and your 5G radiation poisoning before in the in the 1900s maybe early 1800s there was all these farmers absolutely fine they got all the radio waves all of them started getting fucking heart attacks and shit just know that what what years early 1900s or late 1800s right whenever the radios came out it happened to all the animals at at the Philadelphia Zoo as well.
They all started having heart problems and getting fucked up

because they put radio lines all around for communication, obviously.

You don't even know how good you're supposed to feel.

Yeah.

We're inundated by radio waves.

Get destroyed, bro.

Everyone else, they didn't seem bothered back then.

Their lives were shit.

No AC, nothing.

How do you know they weren't bothered?

Huh?

How do you know they weren't bothered? They seem to be somewhat happy. What do you mean? Just having fun.
When? They worked. They worked, chilled.
Who told you they were having a good time? Dude, the thing about Tim Walls, when you look at that, they were having a blast in the 1800s. I mean, if you look at pictures from the 50s and stuff it looks cool what picture that you look at nuclear family people like having a good time yeah those cookouts i actually been listening to um just blasting cigs for real destroying fucking six we walked we drove by the marlboro plant that thing looks like fucking the death star on the ground it's's in like Virginia or some shit.
It's all concrete. It kind of fires me up when I see it.
What? I support them. I support big tobacco when I see that.
For real? Yeah. You drive past a giant factory, you're like, dude, America's number one.
Yeah, Spade is borderline jingalist right now. He loves America so much after being in the Middle East, bro.
Oh, yeah.

Damn. Have you been able to find authentic

cuisine back here?

No.

It's immediate shits, bro.

I'm not into it. Hey, dude, I want to be

a first-worlder. I don't want to take

a step down. You don't like Egyptian cuisine?

No. What were they grubbing on?

Actually, I do

like the kebabs. They're just straight up meat on a

stick. That sounds fun.

Yeah. Dildo.

Gives you halitosis, though,

supposedly. They crush peppers constantly

and onions. I'd taste that

shit for like three days if I eat it.

Yeah. It stays on your

fingies.

Sick. Hold on.
I gotta take a piss. Can we pause? Yeah.
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My God, guys, please. I'll be in Phoenix tonight when you see this video or this video podcast.
If it is August 12th, I don't know, whatever the day is, please come to Phoenix tonight. I'll be here all weekend.
Please come here. Also, go to mattmccusker.com for all stand-up tickets.
I'll be in a bunch of different places, Town Hall New York and Tyson's Capital One Hall in Tyson's, Virginia

Please go, thank you

Yeah, dude

If I'm taking a shower

and it's me, Reggie, Stevie and my girlfriend

I go into my bathroom and lock the door

I do it all the fucking time

It's just a natural fucking reflex

It's not a psycho shit

Today doesn't even have doors

or door of knobs

It's fucking crazy

I would freak out

Thank you. You have to lock doors.
It's just a natural fucking reflex. It's not a psycho shit.
Today doesn't even have doors or door of knobs.

It's fucking crazy.

I would freak out.

I had to sleep when I was doing my bathroom a while ago.

I had no bathroom door because the tile was all dry and shit like that.

I would just stare at that until I fell asleep just in case something was coming for me.

Yeah, it's scary.

I think in a past life I was fucking murdered.

You think?

Anytime.

Can you take a shower? Close your eyes. What? if I have my eyes closed and

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like. I think in a past life I was fucking murdered.
You think? Anytime. Can you take a shower?

Close your eyes?

What?

If I have my eyes closed in the shower,

it's immediately like there's someone right in front of your face.

It's 5G.

It's 5G or I'm the biggest pussy.

5G's got you spooked.

Dude, if I was in a foxhole, I'd freeze.

Just piss myself.

I feel like those Ukrainian dudes getting drone bombs. Dude, their bodies go flying.
Those are the worst videos. They get fucking explosive.
You know how fucking awful that must be to just see a shitty drone. It's like a T-moo fucking drone too.
It's not expensive at all. So the worst week of your life, it's like forced like forced conscription you're like you're like buying a sandwich and then just like military guys are like you go now and they just you're like no just pull you into a van and then you get drone bombed like a couple days later yeah you got to become like a king like a shitty grenade yeah like one they made up they barely die yeah their lands next one blows off like their leg and they're like, oh my up.
They barely die. Yeah.

Their lands next to one blows off like their leg and they're like,

oh my God.

They just had to bleed out.

Self revive,

self revive.

It's really bad.

Yeah, I don't fuck.

I don't like wars.

You know,

I just want people to stop dying.

Yeah,

I,

yeah.

Same.

What can you do?

I think it's a simulation. I was like had a dangerous...
You talk about closing your eyes in the shower. I had a dangerous...
I took the subway here. I mean, already.
Already I gotta stop. But I sat down.
It was hot out. You probably think you're a ghost, bro.
If you waltz onto the subway, dude, some crackhead sees you. You're like, fuck.
Dude, I took a picture for you. I need just a compilation of security footage.
All your attacks, dude. You're a schizophrenic's worst nightmare.
I thought I was done for. I literally..
There is again. I literally went down into it was in Center City.
I went down into the Market Frankfurt line and as soon as I went down there were two dudes on bicycles riding towards me. I'm finished.
You have the shine. They're about to joust me.
How'd you get them down here?

They are your little shining girls coming after you.

Yeah, the two dudes.

It's like beach cruisers, too. That black dude has to come from Miami and save you.

Look, I know I've made you tell this story a million times, but just please don't.

Getting chased home?

Yes.

Hold on.

You guys have...

Tell the George Floyd story.

I've never heard this.

Oh, yeah.

When I got...

All right.

Well, I first got... You walked so walk so smoothly it's scary it might be i was just i was the day after the george floyd stuff when there was like the riots and the fucking looting and all that shit and i peaceful protest yes my apologies point of personal privilege i uh i was like i got on my bike i was like let me ride around and like just watch the shit.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let me take it in. And I like hung out.
I like watched. Dude, like in the middle of all that shit, it was like fine because no one was like, everyone was focused on the bag.
Yeah. Everyone wanted to get their shit.
They weren't worried about me. TB's for George.
It was. Scratch the windows of a north face yeah it's literally there was just sure apple and lululemon the name of our slain brethren it literally looked like a hole to like another dimension from the north face window it was like a person-shaped hole and then dudes were just like jumping in.
It's a DMT track.

You saw the entities.

Yeah, it was fine. And then I biked home.
And then a dude on a city bike i was like by my house in north philly before and a dude on a city bike like rode up to me and he's like how much your bike cost and i was like no i was like not for sale yeah i was like i'm not telling sorry sir not for sale and then uh he like i started riding away and he like rode up next to me and he had gears on that bitch no it's just one damn bro i know gotta get a mountain bike if you're doing this shit you need a mountain bike that's true a mountain bike would be nice it looks a little bit yeah it also looks a little bit more like ppa just got laced with them they got mountain bikes they all have mountain bikes now yeah that's a you should go off the one and say how much take a ppa person's mountain bike try that move on them how much did it cost assault a federal agent damn but yeah he i mean he just commandeered me did he was like yeah he made me get off of it you need to go fund me i know and then no no it's a fixie if you stop yeah yeah it was like it was literally like an exchange he like had his you got the reason i what you got the city bike yeah he was like you can have this one fair trade i was like all right whatever i'll take it but uh i'm an ally by the way it wasn't yeah it wasn't truly like i don't know i in a situation, I'm like, he has his hand in his pocket. He's wearing a hoodie and a face...
Bag of Skittles. Holy shit, you got a Shisee on too? Yeah, hood up, hoodie on.
Thank you for worrying about my safety. I was like, you can just have it.
Whatever. I was going to get a new one anyway.
I got that city bike. I've been riding that ever since now.
Actually, I got a new one. But yeah, it was like a trade.
Yeah. And then I was going to get a new one anyway.
I mean, yeah, I got that city bike. I've been riding that ever since now.

Actually, I got a new one.

But yeah, it was like a trade.

Yeah, now they're going to find me.

I literally, earlier today, I was in an Uber and I saw a bike that looked like the one that got taken,

parked outside of like a bodega.

You were in the Uber just driving in the car going. Pull over.
Wait right here. I'm so mad all the time.
Hold on. Give me the other one.
The other one I got chased home, coming home from the grocery store. It was summer, so it was already coming home.
You heard this. Did the background love this? You heard it, too.
I've never heard it. Oh, dude.
I was coming home from the grocery store. Yeah.
i talk about this in stand-up but uh i was coming from the grocery store and there was like a dude who was i was like waiting across broad street and there's just like an old old guy on like a bike and he was just already just talking shit at me yeah just like yelling at me and then um i just didn't i just didn'm just carrying shit. And then he rode by me and he's like, I never seen someone so pussy in my mother.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
I never seen someone so pussy in my mother fucking life. It was like a little mountain bike.
Just jigsaw, dude. It was for a jigsaw rolling up to you and then dude i like i just kept crossing the street he rode by me and then i like look behind me and he's like circling around and he started chasing me chase me home did he catch you no i like did you drop your groceries no dude i was holding everything i didn't lose anything.
And then I almost got hit by a car because I ran up Broad Street.

And then I ran across Broad Street for a second in front of a car.

And I was like, maybe I'll get hit.

It was like.

You run through the six.

You had to run with your wounds.

It's such a bummer, dude, because he for sure just turned around just to fuck with me.

Maybe he did actually.

I mean, he did for a little bit. I'm not a pussy.
You could be dangerous. I don't know if you have a weapon.
It's not a fair fight. But yeah, that's a real bummer to be chased in real life as an adult to be chased by a guy.
It's so funny. I know.
The open mic scene in Philly got decimated, dude. He got fucking punched.
Every week someone would come in. Teddy.
Yeah, he got smoked in front of his house. The guy was sitting.
St. Louis or whatever? Oh, then someone after St.
Louis. No, no, no.
That was probably Matt. No, no, you guys.
Gardini was saying. Yeah, it was Gardos.
Oh, when we. They were trying to get the bag off you guys.
They were trying to retire early off that bag dude and then it happened the same thing happened in like indianapolis we were like walking home at like it was just like super late and there you can like see through we were like coming back to the hotel and you can see through the windows just a dude with no shirt in there he's just like he's just like fucking around coming

outside and then of course like gardenia's like oh yeah just give him a cigarette and i was like no stop please i've been through this yeah it's just like dude you don't know this is the guy that but he was actually he was having a bad day he was i think he was just grateful to get a cig that's nice

he like

I think he

got his ass

beat

Teddy bad day he was i think he was just grateful to get a sig that's nice he like i think he like got

his ass beat teddies was my favorite he came to the mic with like a black eye and it was like what happened he's like i was just walking home and a guy was sitting on my board there was a gargoyle on his front step and the guy just hopped out he was like literally just a dude. He was like, hey, that's my house.
He was like blocking the entrance. Yeah.
I watched a dude on Market Street. It was like a businessman walking across the street in this fucking homeless.
I was spazzing, like full-blown sprinting. And then the guy realized like halfway across the street that the dude was going to hit him.
And he hit one of like the girl picks in basketball. He was like, yo! And just got hit and fucking railed on the ground.
You know, I said girl picks for a long ass time. Dude, that fucking blows.
That's actually. I was saying girl picks late in my life.
For what? Because I only saw my fucking sisters play basketball. Oh my God.
In actual basketball games? Girl picks in like seventh grade. Dude.
Somebody had to tell me like, hold your dick. I was like, oh, that makes sense.
Yeah, obviously not your tits. You're not going to protect my tits.
It feels good to set a pic like that. Obviously.
Yeah. That's actually a nice move for if a homeless guy is going to attack.
You set a pic. Yeah.
Anyway, I used to fucking do the straight knee. That would fuck people up.
What? If someone's like, if you're setting a pic, you just point the knee out a little bit and just dead like him right in the fucking like that shit hurts it is it is the best though when you see a homeless attack somebody else oh it's awesome you need to just sit there watch a guy in a suit try to sprint yeah not curse on for real zombie chases him this episode is brought to you by call of duty calling all call of duty fans verdansk is back in Call of Duty Warzone. Starting on April 3rd, you'll be able to drop back into Verdansk, experience all the chaos, and relive the thrill you've been missing.
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Yeah, you like sweat. Start sweating immediately.
You like start walking a little bit faster. Did the guy hit him after he set the pick? No, he fell on the ground.
The dude just kept running. Tried to punch a chick.
Yeah, it was crazy. Whoa, dude.
He's off those salt and vinegars. They are fueled by shit, too.
It's like a melted fucking Wawa milkshake on someone's front lawn. something they got off an amazon package it's like dogs dude they're just getting into shit the nastiest stuff it makes me want to throw out when people get the like wawa door dashes melting on their front they're on their front step that nerd yeah nerds ropes nerds ropes is crazy that actually It might be.
Yeah, that's the one. Nerds Ropes is crazy.
That actually might be.

Yeah, that's the one.

That's the most purchased item I see fucking dudes get at Wawa.

Yeah, there's something about gummy candy that is really attractive.

Gummy and crunchy.

The best of those worlds.

Yeah, activates them.

You a candy man?

No, not really.

Same here.

I'm not a big sweets guy.

No, but yeah, they just love sugar. Yeah, that's true.
All the heroin. Yeah, and they're making a pop-up shop on the bottom of Gerard in front.
Guaranteed. Candy? No, you know all the heroin? I think so.
It's going to be some sort of shop there, but if you were smart, it would be candy and ice cream. Ice cream and candy.
They fuck that shit up. If you were smart, that thing's getting raided.
If you stockeded with candy and ice cream yeah they're gonna have to put they're blowing a portal in the front that's gonna be world war z there's gonna be a thousand of them i mean if you're on the streets you don't care about a fucking thing the first thing comes around like get some candy obviously there's no like that's bad for me or any of that shit i'll eat it melted i don't give a fuck they crush melted fucking ice cream it's been it is tough how hot it is yes you see a dude laying on the sidewalk in the sun you're like holy shit i watch a guy on the corner over there at the there's like you know not abandoned but they're just all like fucking closed up and he was just on the front step sleeping hot it was maybe 96 degrees out just cooking and then he got up and went for a walk life at your fucking fingertips you do whatever the fuck you want once you settle into that dude it's probably glorious bro that sucks so bad you're out here taking chicks on dates and stuff you gotta spend like 125 bucks they just go up some chick like i have some heroin left can you suck my dice again no problem and then yeah and then you just it's like this is my sidewalk tons of trickery then you wake up and do more heroin crawling in yeah i watched it you see you hear your tent go and you barely open your eyes and a guy's going it's like sleep paralysis all the time constantly that's why there he is there's a hat man hat man's coming in that about that that would fucking suck to be schizophrenic and just have blizz wave to you it's true contact it's like this is my time i know i need i need to start wearing like i should start wearing shy sts to be honest for real shouldsties just hold down albino oh yeah that'd be a fucking nice move that literally yeah it looked like uh eager winner the trank brothers like sunglasses i haven't talked to those dudes at all i try to stay away from anything kensington it's too close to home i have a rapist a block away from me i saw it on citizens it on Citizens. Yeah.
Dude, just the fuck. I saw him too.
Disgusting human. How'd you know? It's on Citizens with his picture.
If you get premium Citizens, you can see all the chomos in your area. Spade's got a lot of guys.
That's where they put him. Yeah.
You need Zeus back, dude. You need a dog on the roof.
It, not at all. It still hurts.
Obviously. I get attached, though.
Yeah. I promise.
You gotta get a new one. Not yet.
It's gonna help. I've been free for a while.
Okay. Freedom is fucking nice.
You need a nice cat, bro. Spade's allergic.
You're allergic to cats? Yeah, yeah. Fuck.
What if you got the Dr. Evil cat? Hairless one? Hairless one.
now you're allergic to cats yeah fuck what if you got a what if you got like the Dr. Evil cat hairless one hairless one no you're in Dagobah right now you're exiled in Dagobah it's time to come back though maybe I haven't heard that name in a long time you did just go to Tatooine you did go to Tatooine I was telling the dude that has a cow I was like yo did you see dune i was like trying to pump him up on dune don't worry about it just turn it up whenever spade's talking i mean dude if you go there though there's no windows like there's a lot of fucked up shit there i'm not being a dickhead yeah he said the buildings get to like level four and then it's like teetered off to the side and fucked up 25 million people a day what yeah it's three times the size of New York.
Holy fucking shit. Fucked up.
And there's no high-rises or anything. It's all just concrete buildings, no windows.
Huts. Oh, my God.
Center of it's cool. They got cool.
It's nice, but it was fucked up, dude. Pure poverty.
Sorry. No, no, that's good.
good no I just got nothing

other than

my brother-in-law

is a sweet Egyptian man

I mean the Egyptian people

are dope

yeah

fucking

this place is fucked up

I love the story of him

he

when he just got to America

he had no idea

what he was doing

they gave him a pink

fucking jacket

they gave him a pink jacket

they didn't know pink was

for girls

so he was wearing like

a pink fucking

puffy jacket

he couldn't speak English

he went through

the wrong bus stop

he just went to

a different school

Thank you. They didn't know pink was for girls.
So he's wearing like a pink fucking puffy jacket. He couldn't speak English.
He went through the wrong bus stop. He just went to a different school.
And they were like, who are you? And he's like. They're like, what? Dude, it's crazy.
It's crazy to watch. In a pink jacket.
It's small pink. The UK bros are getting leveled right now.
How so? Oh, yeah. They're Muslim protests.
Oh, really? The Muslims and the UK bros are riding against each other because the Muslims stabbed and raped three little girls. And then they're only getting probation.
And then they made it illegal to post far-right memes in the UK. So you go to jail for two years if you post some mean memes.
I don't know. That be true it's true yeah it's literally happening right now god damn those are the wrong bros to get triggered UK bros are vicious that's what the one there was one fucking Welsh lady screaming at the Muslims like dude we're tolerant wait until we're not tolerant we do world wars yeah literally the least tolerant yeah they've done nothing but commit atrocities throughout history they're fucking with the wrong ones now they're gonna fucking it's it's gonna get hot for some fucking election season i'm waiting for it my trump dog isn't gonna make it with jd vance he's so weird they are weird hit with the weirds.
That's a tough one.

I mean, it's favorite.

Talk about it.

It's just like it's you've heard it from every girl.

You're in fucking school.

It's like, oh, yeah, you're just being weird.

It's like, what are you talking about?

I'm fine.

I just asked you if you listen to 21 questions, you know, it's about it.

It doesn't make sense.

Why?

It would be weird.

I like 50 cent.

They also gave him.

Did you watch that like interview he did with uh the full send guys that's like the only full length oh jd vance i didn't watch it they gave him i mean he's not being the weird accusation they gave him like a giant armchair where it's like his his he like can't it's this the way it's like his he has to either put his hands here or here but then like tries to put them. The armrests are just too far out.
He's up on stage. It makes him look so much weirder.
I don't know what to do. Yeah, they're crushing him with weird shit.
Walls had to get his stomach bumped. From what? Horse semen.
You guys are. No.
Swear to God. Give me the.
I saw the article saw the article spill the tea i saw the article i just don't trust the dude because he's going hard as shit for trans and kids walls yes oh balls walls yes micropenis well he just said jd vance fucked the couch and that's not true and i'm not necessarily standing up for jd vance because i don't believe in what he stands for. But he made a joke that J.D.
Vance fucked the couch, and then they're saying it's a thing around D.C. that he has micropenis, which affects 1% of the population.
The medical condition, not just small dick. Like, for real, just head.
And he's going hard for trans and kids? Oh, yeah, big time. Like what? Like puberty blockers, chopping their tits, like lack of tits off when they're 12 he just he just he's got the face of a pedo and i'm just waiting for it to happen i'm waiting for the pizza gate related shit on walls to come out and then i'll just be happy like i told you guys this guy was he does he just does weird shit spade said it that is fucking his mouth he just has the mouth of a fucking weird pederast what type of mouth is that dude big wide fucking mouth we have small mouths I got no mouth small mouth you got an underbite you got an underbite can you bite in front of your teeth what do you mean no I can't I can't just an alpha thing big jaw oh underbite yeah I can't Kobe had a good thing.
Big jaw. Oh, underbite? Yeah, I can't.
Kobe had a good one. Kobe Bryant? RIP.
Kobe had a good underbite. He had a vicious one.
Dave, I miss him sometimes. No, my teeth go fucking straight down.
Do they really? On top of each other. Yeah.
I'm waiting for my teeth to just grind away to nothing. I fucking grind them every night.
I go to sleep. I just wake up with a sore jaw.
I think everyone has fake teeth. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Every single person has.
The Brits are getting them, which is hilarious. They're notoriously bad.
Fucked up. They're all getting porcelain.
Fucking huge ass teeth. I didn't know that happened, really.
I knew old people had dentures. I didn't know it was fucking everybody.
Every chick. They're all just getting big teeth.
Dude, we were working with Dom, RIP. Yeah, Dom.
I worked with this guy for like five years probably. And we're talking about something and going down on girls or something like that.
And he just goes on. They like it when you do this.
He popped it out. The whole time, I had no idea he had full top bottom dentures.
He got them all taken out instead of getting implants because he was like,'s too much money yeah it's 30 g's it's so much money to get full implants but like dude there's tons of people with no teeth yeah no original teeth it's crazy yeah my uncle got dentures r.i.p uh i didn't even know i had no idea but then all of a sudden like his teeth would cut his dentures would fall out yeah you have to catch him time he would talk He'd be like, damn. That's kind of sad.
He'd get embarrassed. I broke a tooth on a wing.
Yeah, he was crushing wings right when we got into Rapid City and immediately... Yard sailed his tooth.
Which tooth? Back? Shattered on a thing? No bone, bro. White meat.
No. White meat shattered.
You worshiping the earth. Oh, dude, that was so bad.
So bad. Just two dudes that didn't have it.
We thought we were going to make that 23-hour drive. I got to the top of the piano.
I was like, wait,

I'm seeing stuff.

Why did you think you guys could do that?

You got soft hands,

brother.

You ain't driving 800 miles a day.

You got soft hands,

brother.

You guys literally got sick.

His tooth fell out.

You guys could never do that.

It was legendary.

Just making memes.

Spade fucking crushed Mega Guinness the night before.

And then he's like, yo, I got to pull over.

I was like, no problem.

I just had like a neck pillow on.

I was looking at Spade out of my peripherals, and he's on all fours throwing up.

I didn't know what was going on.

I thought you were just spew like fucking standing up.

Spade hit all fours.

He exercises demons on the res and then kept it trucking. Got all the way to Chicago.
Damn. Pioneers.
Yeah, hitting those drives, though. I could do it.
And then it was always the last 45 minutes. It was just full of delusion.
It was totally like sleeping, driving through red lights. Once you get off the highway, you're dead.
He was like fucking was like fucking going off and i was like yo it was like out of the lane and i was like yo dude you good i was driving with my name yeah i'm fine driving with my name that's all i know you can't see i was getting fucking scared i would wake up like two in the morning and you're like gonna drive us off the road i go yo and you're like what dude whatever it takes the other sleepy eyes the classic mccusker sleepy eyes whatever it takes dude were you one of those dudes on the grid yeah coming home from the red pill expo have some respect on g adward greffin please that was the expo i haven't it was fucking sick dude i mean we learned a bunch of shit uh there was a few viruses yeah there was a few ones that were brutal there was one chick that went up there and started talking about shit and literally looked like she was about to cry it was going so bad it was fucking insane i was just like no way this chick's gonna do this like who who here likes multiple streams of income i'm like oh god dude she's like all you gotta do is invest in the stock market it's like dude g edward griffin wrote the book creature from jekyll island you're gonna hit everyone here with invest in stocks, dude. She's like, all you got to do is invest in the stock market.
It's like, dude, G. Edward Griffin wrote the book, Creature from Jekyll Island.
You're going to hit everyone here with invest in stocks, bro. Read the room, Jake.
But there was a dude who was talking about... What the fuck? These dudes sitting next to each other in a hotel convention room going...
I was there to hear it. We rolled up.
His arms crossed in South Dakota. We rolled up and we're like, yeah, we're here for passes and they had no idea who we were yeah george griffin's like yeah come to red police well yeah whatever i get a call from spade like just makes more sense to drive and i was like bro you don't even gotta fucking convince me whatever saw the country to south dakota well philly to st louis then to south dakota yeah went through the worst place on earth chief's country i don't want anything to do with kansas city for as long as i live that place looks like hell on earth dude it's it's rough it looks like it fucking sucks yeah it's like ozark just like a few fucking mega rich people and sorry people sorry people yeah it was but when we were there we were there this dude i forget his fucking name he was talking about there's venom in like viruses and botox and shit like that his name is brian artist brian artist yeah we were watching that and like all these chicks like that are getting injections and stuff like that and the botox there's snake venom that paralyzes them and then they use it for a blood pressure medication because you get bit by a snake your blood pressure drops So they're mass producing fucking venom and just shooting people out with it and it's giving wicked amounts of cancer.
Yeah, that's the shit that like, yeah, it's the shit that freezes your face up for Botox, I guess, right? Isn't it like botulism is like Botox and maybe I'm wrong, but you're right. I'm about to get heavily involved in plastic surgery.
Dude, just it's time for my face to just get it jaw implant yeah cheekbones my boy has it I'm gonna go bald up top and have my eyebrows tattooed on get the chola arches my boy fucking Chet Hanks has Botox he says says he blasts his face. I don't give a fuck.
When you look like that, dude, you got to be worried about it. My boy's an electrician.
Gets it, too. That's just crazy.
Being an electrician. I was like, what the fuck are you doing, bro? He goes, I have fucking wrinkles.
I got to get rid of them. I was like, yeah, dude.
You're getting old. It's okay.
Like a 35-year-old electrician in Philly. You're going to look like a fucking shithead.
Handsome Squidward came to wire my house. He's the shiniest man.
He's a fucking unit. Shout out Ray's Electric, obviously.
He is a unit. Licensed and insured.
Beast. Yeah, he got that.
He got laser hair on his arms up to his, like, so he can wear a tank top and not have hairy arms. He got laser hair.
Laser hair on his arms. And he like argues with me like it makes sense.
He's like, dude, that's just gay. So he's not gay, dude.
Like, I don't want to fucking shave it off. He's like, don't shave it.
Is he a hairy man? He's not that hairy. And he got it.
He got his. It started with his widow's peak.
He had a widow's peak. And he goes, I don't want to get a haircut all the time.
So I'll just get my widow's removed he still gets a haircut every two days were you with me i saw the hairiest gay guy on earth you remember that it's called a bear bro this you've never seen anything like it he was wearing like daisy dukes oh with was this in center city from his ankles to definitely his the back of his head yeah but the hairiest you've ever seen, dude. His ass was hanging out? I mean, it was definitely underneath.
His thighs, the back of his legs, it looked like your hair. Yeah.
Like, it looked like curly hair. Yeah, it was like dark.
It's amazing. Yeah.
It was fucked up. He was so hairy, he looked like blurry.
You know what I mean? Bad res. Yeah.
Yeah yeah i saw when i was working on van peltry to video or a um a building caught fire and there was this dude who walked his dog every day and he was just straight up gay and had a fucking choker that just said pig and like do that like do you know what they do sexual pigs i've heard about the that was dropping off a fucking machine for my dad's like i'm actually gay cool it's like yeah i was a pig all right and then he started like explaining it like you'll go to a truck stop get jizzed in your armpits not shower and then hit another 700 miles think about how disgusting you already feel just driving. Then you have dry jizz come on your fucking arm.

I'm kidding, dude. not shower and then hit another 700 miles.
Think about how disgusting you already feel just driving. Then you have dry jizz come on your fucking arm.
That's a different level of horny. That's not.
Yeah, it's a new level. That's five G's.
Yeah, that might be five G on those boys that are the fucking water turning them gay. I just couldn't even imagine.
Like that must just be what dudes do when they get together it's like you're gay it's like what else can we do just my arm all right fuck it i'll do it you won't like fucking right i will just guys bro it out disgusting that's very gross yeah it's no good bill that shit i don't like that you think about that stuff all the time well i mean i got a long drive coming up. Can you just do this for me? Quick thing.
That must be awesome, though. If you are gay and you're a truck driver.
What? Just like everywhere you go, everyone's trying to fuck. Like, imagine if everywhere you drove, there was just chicks like, come on.
Come on me, please. Like, fuck yeah.
Yeah. They go to the next one.
Obviously it 800 miles. Just dudes.
Yeah. They're going to keep quiet.

No hassles.

There's no hassles on this.

Everyone just happened to bro down.

Just dropping a load of the guy's armpit

as a molly pitcher on rest.

The Sinclair come and go.

Literally.

That's what they're called.

James Gandolfini rest stop.

Just dropping a load of the dude.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

That's awesome.

I think they tore it down and they're rebuilding. We need the better get on the Gandolfini.
What are you talking about? We need that back. Up in Scranton, when we and Spade were up past Scranton, there's Joe Biden Highway.
They renamed it after I feel it. James Gandolfini service area.
We're still going. Montville, New Jersey.
Let's get it. Why is the cheesequake rest area closed? That's the top question.
That's someone's haunt, dude. Why the fuck did they close my cheesequake? Oh, brothers.
What else is going on? What else are you thinking about nothing really honestly yeah I forgot to mention this yesterday I was in maybe it was two days ago I was in like a grocery store in West Philly by my house it's like a black kid came up to me and goes yo you ever see Harry Potter and I was like yeah I know you're about to and he's like and I turned around his girlfriend was around and he's like yo it's Malfoy just nod you're Malfoy looking at his motherfucker you gotta start getting face tats or something I was like thanks man it's Lutheran rules I just finished all the Harry Potters not too long ago watch them all in succession it was fucking awesome you awesome. You're Hufflepuff, bro.
Hufflepuff. Gryffindor? You're Gryffindor? I'm Gryffindor.
What do you think Spud is? Spud, he's Gryffindor through and through. He's the boy who lived.
Spade is Paltrow. That's a fucked up documentary.
Oh, dude, did you see that? No, What? Fucking Harry Potter stunt double. Like it was like in the fucking thick of it.
Everything was sick. He does a stunt and breaks his neck paralyzed at like the height of Harry Potter.
I don't know what it was like. Some fucking crazy.
It was, it was crazy. Like he's talking the whole time.
He's just fucking wheelchairs up, like living life now. But like in the fucking top of Harry Potter, they're all chilling, going out and stuff.
He was fucking on top of the world. And they just get some cable pulled too hard and didn't stop.
Broke his fucking spine or some shit. Holy shit.
The boy who lived. That's terrible.
Obviously. I also watched all the Lord of the Rings in Succession.
Spade's favorite fucking movie. That's good.
You got to get on Star Wars, wars bro i watched new hope uh i watched the one with jar jar banks in theaters when i was like fucking so that was fucking i'll never forget dude mtv was firing it up they were promoting it they played the lightsaber battle with ball with the ball in the background oh never been more hyped as a kid yeah before i was going sick as a guest i was at the beach, and I was fucking going to the arcade and shit. They were going to go see a movie.
And then they went underwater with those big-ass fish. Like, there's always bigger fish in the sea.
Always sat with me. For the rest of my life, there is always bigger fish in the sea.
That's something you got to take with you. I mean, what can you do? What can you do, dude? Your suffering has ended.
We're at an hour and three minutes there's no suffering I had such a pleasant time today in the blue room it's nice in here also man we need Matthew I need Matthew I guarantee he's got some new bullshit on right now oh I texted I sent Matt Matt's mentioned Brian Pum oh boom pumper just got egg that's exactly what i said him pumper the fucking black porn star brian pumper god damn it he just got eggs he used to egg people then people saw pumper on the street egg his ass he was egging he was throwing eggs he would throw eggs at people and pumper got egg pumper got pumped he lived by the egg he died by the egg it's like a

bunch of gang members on him uh you're gonna whiz yeah all right we should probably uh