Ep 505 - Pepsi Country (feat. Billy & Spud)

Speaker 1 The wild wild west.

Speaker 1 We start, we're in, we're live, and we're live, dude.

Speaker 1 What else? Fucking vibe. No, yeah, well, it's not live stream, but we're live currently talking in real time.
We're up right now, bro. We're live.

Speaker 1 You're out in California. Way, I'm out San Jose way right now.

Speaker 1 That's nice. Is that south or north?

Speaker 1 It's like north. It's a technically Bay Area, but it's, I don't know.
San Jose,

Speaker 1 I don't want to shit on it right before I come to your stand-up here, but it San Jose kind of sucks.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Shitty.

Speaker 1 So does it?

Speaker 1 Fucking Philly, bro.

Speaker 1 That place is a fucking shithole.

Speaker 1 Stop, stop, stop. The problem is

Speaker 1 Cairo's a shithole. Oh, yeah, true.
True.

Speaker 1 Don't go there, buddy. True.
GBA, GBA for sure. God bless America.

Speaker 1 No, San Jose is fine enough. It's just like...
There's nobody. There's like barely anybody outside.
It's creepy. I mean, this is my second time here.

Speaker 1 Last time I was here on the Super Bowl, it was just me and homeless people walking around now it's there's a couple people but like dude it's like ghost town around it's like kind of eerie it's gavin newsoms california true that so happened when libs take over

Speaker 1 dude people are buying the kamala stuff i think people are uh i think i've never seen anything like this before in my life man the speed of this it's fucking nuts Dude, they ran a guy, they ran a senile guy, and they got caught.

Speaker 1 Eventually, they're like, all right, we have to come to terms with this, and they just toss in fucking Kamala's ass. It's crazy.
She's an Italian, so good. Huh? She's an Indian.

Speaker 1 Look, Phil, I don't care what race she is. All right.
I really don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did. I saw Trump at the Black Journalist.

Speaker 1 She's obviously she's both. Huh? She's black and Indian.
Yeah, but

Speaker 1 Spade looked into it more, bro. Yeah, I think it's a trick.
Like, Trump, her dad is a Marxist economist. So now you're looking at her dad.
You know what I mean? So it's like an L for her.

Speaker 1 Wait, her dad's a Marxist economist? 4D chess. So he's like, what's his full

Speaker 1 Stanford? Trump's playing on another level, bro.

Speaker 1 He's above us.

Speaker 1 He's above us looking down on the boards. I mean, the problem is he did come down hard and he was like, she ain't black.
He basically

Speaker 1 took Biden's weapon and utilized it against him. He said, he might have angels' wings right now, bro.

Speaker 1 That picture of Jesus guiding his hand at the desk has become reality. That was a real painting.
I thought that was fake.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? There's a picture of him signing something, and Jesus is like guiding his hands. Yeah, that was an act of God.
I've come to the full conclusion that that was an act of God.

Speaker 1 Someone tried to take his ass out. I was listening to Sean Ryan and Eric Prince talk, like the Blackwater dude.
He's like,

Speaker 1 I know all the snipers, and I would not trust a single one to take that shot and clip my ear. So all the blue and nons that are like, dude, it was fall.
It was fake.

Speaker 1 They like just hit his ear on purpose. Like, that's fucking crazy.
Obviously, that's not real. They probably have whole plans in the works for him being dead, but he's still alive.

Speaker 1 It's fucking up their whole shit. Now

Speaker 1 they're trying to create the assassin, but Trump's supposed to be gone. Like, when they killed Bobby Kennedy, they like slowly rolled out who Sir Han Sirium was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who's Sir Ham Sirim again?

Speaker 1 Oh, he's a Palestinian Christian. Not that I have.

Speaker 1 He's the guy who shot Bobby. Yeah.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 what do you guys think about the drone and all that stuff? There's a drone circling it and, like,

Speaker 1 a fucking range finder and had a drone and then a lap. And he was running.

Speaker 1 They were following him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Watched him do it. Every time this happens, the FBI just says, that guy was on our radar.

Speaker 1 You know what else fucked up, Matt? Those Penn State cops were there. They were doing that.
I don't know, but they fucked up on Joe Paul New, bro.

Speaker 1 I was about to say they should just be in the locker rooms, dude, forever. They should just stay in the showers, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, he's Trump Daddy's back, dude. It's,

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. I mean, I don't know.
You watched it with Kamala

Speaker 1 the Black Journalist. I watched a little, I caught a little bit of it, man.

Speaker 1 When the lady's being nasty to him, he's like, you're nasty. You're 35 minutes late because you can get used to stuff to work.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you watch that, he's kind of killing when he's there. Like, people are laughing.
He's cracking up. Yeah.
Yeah, dude. Hey.

Speaker 1 It's the best thing to happen for black people presidential-wise since Abe Blinken, bro. And I love how they challenge that, too.

Speaker 1 What about Lyndon Johnson? I heard someone like, what about Lyndon Johnson? It's like, dude, you can't try to play these games with him. Actually, Lyndon Johnson was pretty cool.
Hilarious thing, too.

Speaker 1 They try to come at him with like, yo, don't you think Vance is fucking weird? And he goes, it doesn't matter who the vice president is. It never matters.

Speaker 1 Bro.

Speaker 1 He dogged Pence, too. But she's a vice president.
It's a fucking slam dunk. Oh, fuck.
That is a 4D slam dunk.

Speaker 1 How come Vance is getting hit with the weird? Because he went to fucking pride parades and shit. He's a weirdo.
No, they're doing because he went to pride. No, it's not.
It's the exact opposite.

Speaker 1 He said he fucks furniture. I heard he fucked furniture.
Yeah. Everyone gets scarious.
He was. Well, hold on.

Speaker 1 Who among us?

Speaker 1 I'm saying he's a pillow in their bed.

Speaker 1 Bro, between couch cushions, that's the juicy type.

Speaker 1 I mean, apparently he put a dudex on.

Speaker 1 Dude, on couch cushions.

Speaker 1 that's a juicy tut he must have a wad on you bro

Speaker 1 i'm just saying matt you ever hit the between the cushions matt what are you hitting in that hotel room dude i blasted i've just blasted it i've just blasted it i've never

Speaker 1 no i'm just saying you ever try to find you never try to find like change in the couch and thought like bro this is this is a juicy tut

Speaker 1 this couch this couch can have my money bro this couch can have it yeah i'm more of a morning waking up and just fucking sit sleeping on my stomach and humping the bed until I wake up.

Speaker 1 Like, my boner's huge.

Speaker 1 But oh, man, you know, just like when you wake up, you gotta go boner. Yeah, like Dennison couldn't get bigger if it tried.

Speaker 1 The P-boner must be 15 inches. P-boner is disastrous for morning sex.

Speaker 1 So, like, I actually just have to pee. We gotta stop.
The whole time, like, I've never been harder. I have to pee so bad.
You gotta pee and hit her with the ulta load. She'd be like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 squirting.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Dehydrated

Speaker 1 Spade described it as movie theater butter.

Speaker 1 It's disgusting. So gross.

Speaker 1 Spade's piss looks solid sometimes. Yeah, sometimes my piss is like amber.
It looks like someone mixed jello and they'll totally laugh. I'm not healthy.

Speaker 1 It's the color of your energy.

Speaker 1 Dude, Sleepy Joe is in Austin. Fuck him.

Speaker 1 Dude, he shut down. He shut down the whole city.
I was like trying to get home and I couldn't for 45 minutes because they, for some reason, decided to spend.

Speaker 1 the dead one or the alive one the six foot six seven

Speaker 1 britney griner with laying hair

Speaker 1 dude they shut down the whole city you see that fucking boxing match with the trans or she's not trans with the what is that she's literally not trans supposedly she's a woman forever she just had something where like her t levels were real high tea levels beat the fuck out of that it's illegal to be trans in albania allegedly they said that is a chick who just like fucking had a lot of tea in her growing up All right.

Speaker 1 Apologies. Sorry I even brought it up.
So is it a point of personal privilege? You grew up right.

Speaker 1 Wait, so that wasn't a dude. Everyone's calling that person a dude.
I don't know. I think it's literally just something to make people fucking.

Speaker 1 Why are they doing this with the Olympics? It's outrageous and crazy. Yo, that Olympics fucking opening was fucked up.
I don't care what you say. The shit was fucked up.
It was against God. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what was that?

Speaker 1 What was that all about? It was an affair to God.

Speaker 1 It's called flip. They're trying to flip-flop it due to Satanism.
Yeah, it's the inversion of what's right. You know, they're worried, though.
They're worried about the enhanced games. I can't.

Speaker 1 Did you see those two dudes? Bill, I saw that dude on Rogan. That dude was fucking zesty, too.
Yeah, that's it. Bill said a guy's ball was hanging out on the fucking Olympics.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 not allegedly. It's real.

Speaker 1 It was like right next to a kid.

Speaker 1 How's that weird? It's like, it just is. Like, that's weird.
Like, somehow JD Vance is weird because he drinks Diet Mountain Dew, but some dude's nuts. You just bought it in their psyop, bro.
What?

Speaker 1 They got you, ass. They got you.
In the blender. They got you, bro.
Obviously, it's weird. Just don't fucking talk about it.
I know, but what die mountain do?

Speaker 1 No, die mountain do sucks.

Speaker 1 I don't think diet anything, bro. Diet soda blows.
It is funny to be worried about your sugar intake, but still need to do the do. Like, I got to do the do in some form.

Speaker 1 It's just brutally white trash.

Speaker 1 It is. I think we would get that.
My mom has diabetes. Really? Yeah, my mom's Scott Malkinson.
She has diabetes. She got Betty.
We always had bullshit diet. Dude, I just never drank soda.

Speaker 1 I was leaving. I never drank soda ever.
Ew, dude. yeah, DC is nasty.
People have like legitimate addictions to that. Diet Dr.
Peppa, though.

Speaker 1 Is it good? It's not bad. Edp.
EDP.

Speaker 1 Diet Dr. Peppa.
Yeah, after a party, dude, we'd have like a, we had a refrigerator down in our basement.

Speaker 1 There'd be like 15 cokes, and I would just run downstairs, crust it, and then come up for dinner. Bro, when vanilla coke came out,

Speaker 1 I was busted out.

Speaker 1 Dude, I love that shit. They had vanilla.
I saw them at Hershey Park. I was going nuts on them.
Pepsi went on the dumb shit and had blue Pepsi. That shit tasted.
Nah, bro.

Speaker 1 Pepsi Coda kona was the yeah and clear remember crystal clear pepsi yeah blew my mind what was i was for real

Speaker 1 what are they pepsi or coke over there they're pepsy everything's the opposite everything it's all powerade and pepsi power power aid's good as over there burger king

Speaker 1 they got burber kings yeah they love burger kings yeah that's a bad sign for a country they don't have mcdonald's coke and gatorade really yeah it's rare interesting dude pepsi country is for real it's a sign you have like you're in a bad country for real no i'm dead serious i mean gonna live in the neighborhood.

Speaker 1 The history of Pepsi's Pepsi is like a traitorous company. They would sell Pepsi to our enemies when we were like World War.

Speaker 1 Holy shit, yeah, Pepsi tried to like take out Coke during the World Wars because obviously Coke was like there on the front lines supporting the soldiers.

Speaker 1 They, that's why, that's how we have the international Coca-Cola like factories. They built factories so they could supply the troops.
It's like

Speaker 1 a Pepsi guy, dead. Pepsi was over, and like the Soviets were drinking Pepsi.
Everyone was like, Coke. I mean, I'm kind of a Pepsi.
I thought the Soviets were like,

Speaker 1 You're a a Pepsi boy.

Speaker 1 I always favored Pepsi. Yeah, Pepsi-Cona.

Speaker 1 Did the Germans have Coke?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just did not have Coca-Cola.
I think they were simply that Pepsi. They were Pepsi boys.
Yeah. Little crazy guys.
Yeah, a little Pepsi.

Speaker 1 There was another shit called, what the hell was it?

Speaker 1 Something sport. It was like carpet.
All sport? Allsport. All sport.

Speaker 1 Went hard. Those are so good.

Speaker 1 I made wait for like the 90 A's football team at BYC and then immediately crushed an all-sport. Post-game pixie stick.
Just gave you a fucking cramp. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would crush a pixie stick that's like that. All my drill would get in.
It would just pile in, and I couldn't get any out. I'd have to break it with my teeth.
Fucking insane they gave us that.

Speaker 1 You ever snort pixie sticks? No. No, dude.

Speaker 1 I know sickos that used to do that in grade school. They're all dead.

Speaker 1 No, no, no one lives.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way,

Speaker 1 excuse my biohacking device, guys. Don't mind this.
Oh, is that the aura? That's my aura ring right now. You're a Huberman, dad, bro.
I'm a hube dad, dude.

Speaker 1 It's wild again. Why do you have an aura ring? It's full human optimization.
I'm biohacking, bro. Monitoring your bio.
At the ripe age of 30.

Speaker 1 Wait, what? What is it? Are you referring to my biological age of my cardiovascular system? Because if so, 31, thank you.

Speaker 1 Are you serious? Yeah. You guys can laugh all you want, but

Speaker 1 you're a young one. Damn, look at this, guys.
Daytime stress plummeted when I came on with chill with you guys, dude. Obviously.

Speaker 1 You guys just took me right right down. Sentiment to how whacked out you were before you got on the zoom.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? We'd be flatlining. Stress back up.
Stress back up.

Speaker 1 Or a ring starts to burn your finger. Actually, I had to walk back fast.
That was why. Physical stress counts too.
Yeah, our stress levels are much flatlined in Billville over here, bro.

Speaker 1 My stress is just holding in my shit.

Speaker 1 You say your stress levels are flatlined? Oh, yeah. Just chill?

Speaker 1 Chill, Bill. Give me the the data, bro.
I only trust the data. All I got to see is I don't trust aura rings at all.

Speaker 1 How not?

Speaker 1 Bill's freaked out by buying the metrics right now. If some dude's like, yo, your real age is 30, Bill.
Keep buying the ring. And isn't it a monthly plan?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'm saying, dude, they wouldn't lie. You think aura would lie, bro? Bill, you think aura would lie?

Speaker 1 I think they just sell your health data to actuaries and fucking make it harder to get insurance. Damn, below.
Oh, shit, dude. What you talking about, bro? What's that say?

Speaker 1 Bill, I don't even go to the Dr. Holmes.

Speaker 1 Cardiovascular capacity high.

Speaker 1 Age 31, seven years below.

Speaker 1 Screenshot. Is this doing bonus? Ain't no motherfucking screenshot, bro.
You keep fucking firing at me. Go back on the page and hit something on the page.
Check it out.

Speaker 1 What you talking about, Holmes? This is another picture. Now I know you're just playing with me, bro.

Speaker 1 So do you wear it when you, I mean, being two-ring guy is fucking wild. I mean, just keep going.
That's crazy. Dude,

Speaker 1 I wanted to just detract my sleep because my sleep was so bad. I was like, I'll never wear in this during the day.
And as soon as they're like, you want to check out your stress?

Speaker 1 I was like, I'm not going to see anyone for a day or two. And now I just shamelessly wear it.
And as soon as I'm talking to anyone, I'm like, oh, by the way, dude, this is a little ring.

Speaker 1 I'm not a T-ring guy. A lot of dudes go with the index finger, too.

Speaker 1 You're supposed to because that's they recommend your index because there's like some sort of vein or something. I don't know.
But they say

Speaker 1 get like some turquoise, get some malachite, get some fucking gems, dude. I'm going to go, dude.
I'm going to get blinged out, dude. Yeah, what the fuck am I doing?

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Matt, I'm constantly looking for car keys, phone, chapstick, glasses.
Headphones. There you go.
And I lose them all the time.

Speaker 1 That's why I use wired headphones now. Ooh.

Speaker 1 What's the longest time you spent looking for something? I usually give up pretty quick. Yeah, true.
Someone I have a hard time shopping for. I have a tough time finding Le Maire gifts.
Really?

Speaker 1 And I like to spoil him.

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Speaker 1 i was talking to marcus king and i was like bro i'm not a two-ring guy he's all ringed up i'm like bro what the yeah you're right bro i need i have i don't have enough rings right now true he is a rock star though yeah i would look like a decomposing corpse if i put on rings my fingers are so fat just be disgusting looking like a like a body like a

Speaker 1 river body Yeah, it would just be fucking disgusting looking. I would look like a merchant or something.
You would look powerful, dude. If you put some rubies on your hands, you're jewelry, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just have a necklace. That's it.
Multiple chains. Two, yes.
Yeah. Two chain.
You're two chain. Got you.
You used to be three chains. Titty boy.
I've seen a lot of chains on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what happened to the third chain? But why don't you wear it anymore?

Speaker 1 Someone snatched that off. He goes into full defense mode.

Speaker 1 That's immediate.

Speaker 1 It's two sides. Like, Matt's right there.

Speaker 1 Loves to ditch it. Loves to ditch it.
It's two fronts. I know.
It's happened to great men before.

Speaker 1 That's that's very nice. You have a very expensive mood ring.

Speaker 1 Don't attack me, bro. I won't.
I mean, bro, if I'm restored, I'm literally fucking red glasses on with that. Oh, that's that would be nice.
Yes, dude. Oh, my God.
Dude, I'm fucking restored right now.

Speaker 1 If my stress goes up, I'm going to fucking, I might have to log off for 15 minutes and get myself like a five-minute body scan, dude.

Speaker 1 If you get death, if you get-the camera's still on. Yeah, why? You should check it.
So it looks like it's not red. It's not.

Speaker 1 What's not red? The camera. The camera.
It would have shut off here. No, I know.
I'm just trying to get mad stress. Oh, I'll be shot.
It ain't stressing. Bro, we're recording on Zoom.

Speaker 1 We're recording video on Zoom right fucking now.

Speaker 1 Now you got me freaked out. But it will say it, right? Yeah, it will go off.
Okay. Yeah, that camera is on.
Dude. Yeah, you guys, you guys are coming at me.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, when I'm out in the field, that thing shuts down. Yeah, it happens all the time.
Spade was over fucking eat. Yeah, what are we doing not talking about spud in Egypt? Let's get.

Speaker 1 get oh, yeah, what the fuck.

Speaker 1 Before that, I went to Rome to go visit the first Reich. Yeah, so all right,

Speaker 1 I already regretted my great grandchildren.

Speaker 1 I went to uh, I was in the in line of the Pantheon. Check that out.

Speaker 1 Well, do you mean first Reich? Is in what does that mean? Like the Napoleonic? No, I think it means the Holy Roman Holy Roman, yeah, but the good Reich or the Roman, right?

Speaker 1 I don't know what other Reichs, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess maybe I have no idea, dude.
I love to look into that stuff. I tried.

Speaker 1 I'm like really dumb.

Speaker 1 I'm real dumb and can't like understand other languages. So I bought a ticket to go in the Pantheon, and then I stood in the line to buy a ticket to go in.

Speaker 1 And I was standing behind this dude, and like, he sounded just like the Fuhrer. I like turned around.
I was like, yo, this guy must be from the same place as fucking Adolph.

Speaker 1 And he's like 5'9, 150 pounds, and he's like going off on his girlfriend. Shot him.
He's going off on his girlfriend. girlfriend and like the two of them are talking aggressive language.

Speaker 1 And I was just like, holy shit, this guy's a fucking loser. Is he drinking a Pepsi? No, I saw him and I was like, dude, this must have been so brutal for this guy to control a whole

Speaker 1 pack of people.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got a little taste of Hitler. It's like, yeah.
I saw it and I was like, whoa. And you said, this is not for me.
It's not for me. You're like, you know what? I don't like this.

Speaker 1 He said, I don't really, I didn't realize how annoying this guy's voice was. Oh, the voice was

Speaker 1 not for me. Yeah.
If you're behind him in line for the Pantheon in the heat, it's rough.

Speaker 1 In the dead of fucking summer.

Speaker 1 Like a beast.

Speaker 1 There was dudes busting out push-ups in the street.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Really?

Speaker 1 The fucking architecture there is beautiful. Matt, did you know that the Jews built a coliseum?

Speaker 1 I didn't know that, actually, but you know that almost every famous magician is Jewish as well. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Let me hit you with another cool Jew fact.

Speaker 1 Yeah, apparently all the great magicians are Jewish. I got a good Jew fact that's been making me laugh.

Speaker 1 This, uh, there's a community put out a special about like being Jewish, about like anti-Semitism from the right, yeah, and he put it out right before the attack. Are you serious?

Speaker 1 He was like, Yeah, the right wing hates Jewish people, and then that happened. It's like, you sure about that?

Speaker 1 You sure that's the side that's anti-Semitic?

Speaker 1 Oh, man, appealing fucking Mario Carter.

Speaker 1 Give me the go-cards.

Speaker 1 Dude, did you see that shit that just killed that guy from Hamas? Like, the missile was like a remote control that, like, connected to his phone. Wow.

Speaker 1 Dude, it like went the missile, like, allegedly, who the fuck knows?

Speaker 1 But this is like some crazy American shit where a missile went down a street and then up into a room, like, up a building and then into a room and blew him up. That's what they say.
Like, who is this?

Speaker 1 Who is this?

Speaker 1 What was his name? Wiley Coyote?

Speaker 1 This is what they're saying.

Speaker 1 He got blown up by TNT. Yeah.
Goddamn Acme Incorporated, dude. Fucked his ass up.

Speaker 1 And he was a Palestinian man? I don't know. That would suck.
Some Hamas guy in Iran. It's like people think you're exaggerating about how bad it is and a fucking missile goes through your hallway.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 My life. This war kind of sucks, honestly.
A missile.

Speaker 1 It hit his phone. I'm tired of this.

Speaker 1 It was tracking his phone.

Speaker 1 Or something like that. They tracked him down to

Speaker 1 a man. Like a missile to a man.
Damn, he was just confirming his age on the hub, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They gave the coordinates. He needed this

Speaker 1 took his passport out to get into the hub took a picture of it it's just a lock-on time

Speaker 1 do you ever try to fuck with like middle eastern do you ever with middle eastern hub negative bro

Speaker 1 it's it's weird bro yeah if you try to hit like

Speaker 1 pakistani hub if you try to hit like pakistani hub it's like pretty wild yeah it's all like fucking uh 720p grainy shit yeah no ac

Speaker 1 what are you talking talking about? All right. Just like trying to spy in on like some, yeah, just seeing like what's good over there.
How is it? It's like sweaty, flat butts.

Speaker 1 It's just sweaty, flat butts. Hey, what?

Speaker 1 I had one of those all day. It's hot as shit, dude.
It's fucking hot as fuck. I had a sweaty, flat butt all day.
You might get tackled in Iran.

Speaker 1 Better stay out of there, bro. I'm not going there.
I'm plump, too. They would fucking get

Speaker 1 a hold of me. I told Spade to wear the full fucking thing.
Just be an Arab woman and walk around the streets.

Speaker 1 You could have done it to get into the

Speaker 1 chesty camera right in the middle. I couldn't.
You might have to tackle though if you did that. Yeah.
You can't be hiding stuff under that. Yeah.
How was so? You went to Rome. So Rome to Egypt.

Speaker 1 What was the transfer? Like, how was that in terms of country to country? It was brutal. I went on, some dude fucking had a medical emergency on the plane.
So

Speaker 1 i was on a tarmac trying to get on a plane like so i was trying to get on egypt air which is like an arab air country or an air company so the romans were like already salty about this but some dude was passed out on the plane and he had to get stretchered out so i spent like two hours on the tarmac in like a hundred degree heat with a bunch of with like half italian half arab so it was rugged there's a big cultural difference they're not they not like us man

Speaker 1 they don't like shorts they got problems with Americans. Like, they hate us for our freedoms.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was all like, that must have been. How are you? Why did they keep you on the tarmac? Because they had to cut the seat belts and they had to get the dude out of the plane.

Speaker 1 Did you ever figure out what happened? Why don't they let you go back inside? Yeah, no, they just kept us on a bus. They let a bunch of kids, dude.

Speaker 1 They let a bunch of little kids run up the fucking steps and go piss

Speaker 1 in the plane.

Speaker 1 It was fucked up. Parents were flipping out.
There's a bunch of masked up people, too. They were losing their minds.
Yo, me, Matt, Michael Valentine Smith, dude. Chill.
Not quiet. Don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 The ride ate the whole thing.

Speaker 1 That's it. Yeah, chilled, raw dogged it, didn't move.

Speaker 1 12 hours. Didn't shit or piss for 12 hours, but also a couple hours before it, and then a couple hours after.
Wait, why? Why wouldn't you piss? He's a perverse. He chilled me.

Speaker 1 I didn't move, bro. I think it's a perversion.

Speaker 1 I didn't move, bro. What do you mean? I just

Speaker 1 put my chair. No headphones.
I didn't move. Nothing.
Yeah. You did no headphones.
For 12 hours. I just sat there.
It's a perfect. And this little kid behind me was kicking my fucking chair.

Speaker 1 Well, I would have had headphones, but I didn't bring my beats.

Speaker 1 I definitely would have. That wasn't on purpose.
That was fucking. Oh, I thought you were trying to roll a headphone.

Speaker 1 No, I bought these bullshit Bluetooth things called Hyper Gear Sport 2, and they hurt. They don't fit right.

Speaker 1 Yo, not knocking a company. He thinks he's getting a deal.

Speaker 1 there is known companies that will have a fucking headphone that's great every fucking time so you sat on a 12-hour flight from egypt yeah america silent like i drank three waters but they're little dude they give you little ass waters

Speaker 1 what's good waters in 12 hours yeah he doesn't drink water it's weird

Speaker 1 it's crazy

Speaker 1 how did you how did you like the raw dog and then he felt like for like three days

Speaker 1 i'm just coming out i'm just coming out of it now obviously i don't know how to take care of myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you're like, you're like a Tamagotchi dude

Speaker 1 and just sits.

Speaker 1 Things on the set. You got to water it.

Speaker 1 What kind of, like, did you enter into any like reverie or like flights of fancy? Like, or was it just quiet? I would just go, I'm breathing. Sweet.
Shit like that. You unventilate a move?

Speaker 1 I'm just going to keep breathing.

Speaker 1 It's a good move.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sleep escaped me. Bill, you're going to be in the, you're going to be in the, you're going to be the one.

Speaker 1 sitting here What I'm gonna be the what you got that is a good valid question It's like why does my brain need anything right now? And you can just pedge out going to Oregon,

Speaker 1 you know, maybe I fucking just sat thought about shit. Who the fuck knows, dude? There's not a lot going on up here, man.
I mean, fucking

Speaker 1 Sometimes it just likes to shut it all down. True, I did ride a camel.
I went to Egypt, rode a camel twice. Named Bob Marlon.
His name's Bob Marlon.

Speaker 1 Met a chill ass dude with a wife in LA. Dude's afraid to go to LA because it's too cold.
Lives in Egypt. hilarious.
What? LA is hot as fuck, bro.

Speaker 1 There's also a ton of trash around the fucking pyramids. Yeah, a ton of like Coke bottles and stuff.
Pepsi bottles, my bad. They're probably just showing off of those Coke bottles.

Speaker 1 Nah, dude, we're chilling. Yeah, I didn't know those fucking pyramids were just covered with trash.
Yeah, there's a city right outside of them. I did that kind of blew my mind.

Speaker 1 There's just like a bustling city right in the other side of them. Yeah, I think, isn't there a Bourbon King right there? Yeah, it's like the BK.
It's like the pyramids.

Speaker 1 It's like a BK next to the pyramid. The rest of it's just so sick.
Yeah, the rest of it's just just a litter box

Speaker 1 for camels and dogs. These were built by the Anunnaki.

Speaker 1 Chilling Berber. Yeah, you want to hear a sick fucking fact about Taco Bell? You know how everyone's like, oh, that's dog food or whatever? Like the old fucking thing about that?

Speaker 1 Allegedly, it's just end-of-life cows, and that's how they get the deals, and that's where they get their meat.

Speaker 1 That's not good.

Speaker 1 You know.

Speaker 1 Do you want to eat old people? Yeah. No, not at all.
It could be the nicest thing you do in the set of people. I don't even eat eat old fruit because it reminds me of old people.
And I go, ew.

Speaker 1 I throw it out.

Speaker 1 I haven't crusted cheese gardened crunch in a long time and I long for them. They're fucking good as shit.
They're awesome. Taco Bell's very...
At night, they're made with disdain. Yeah.

Speaker 1 At night, they're complete disdain.

Speaker 1 They ordered Taco Bell

Speaker 1 two weeks ago, and it was wet.

Speaker 1 It took seven hours to get there. It gets there.
It was soaked. What time was it? I got drenched bell, dude, for no reason.
There's no reason for the bell to be wet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's nothing that gets me more angry than DoorDash. This keeps going, sorry, we're running behind.
And it's ours. They all taste your food, though.

Speaker 1 They just came out with an article about it. What? Yeah, they kind of made it like a cutie thing.
Like, oh, you know, like fucking 80% of the people that do DoorDash like to just do a little taste.

Speaker 1 They eat your food. I got my kitchen now, so I'm just cooking up.
I got a good old people story that was making me laugh.

Speaker 1 There was a lady that donated her body to science, and NASA used her, and they put her in a rocket, her corpse, and launched into space. What?

Speaker 1 On like a live feed, and the kids saw it. Dude, Maria

Speaker 1 saw a dead body get launched. Yeah.
Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, and I think it exploded, which is sick.

Speaker 1 She returned into stardust. She, yeah, which they were upset.
The family was upset. I was like, that'd be kind of the coolest way to go.
It's a how you return to God.

Speaker 1 It's like a first-class flight back to the fucking maker. Yeah, smash into the firmament.
True, you get to exit this fucking fallen world once and for for all

Speaker 1 yeah i'm not too fucking happy right now honestly wow i'm just going

Speaker 1 you're on top of the world no i'm the king i'm just saying there's too much children there's too much dumb shit going on stevie fur babies stevie and reggie are fucking they're cool but i'm just saying like i i it's i feel bad bringing stevie and reggie into this world yeah they were brought reggie miller reggie miller stevie next

Speaker 1 greatest dogs ever

Speaker 1 What's got your goat? What's got your goat right now?

Speaker 1 All this. I know something's coming down the line where they're going to do do some sort of shooting or some other thing's going to happen.
My other. They just killed a crazy lady with a pot of water.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm not too familiar with that case. The one with the water, I don't know about that.
I actually don't. Yeah, neither does Trump.

Speaker 1 He's at the same thing. I have no idea what the fuck that is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're going to start ramping up, ramping up the police brutality. That's coming.

Speaker 1 I saw a video today of a guy with like five cops on him. They're coming out.
It was chill for a while. Now, you know.
Well, it's, yeah, they're going to, of course. They're going to use it.
It's like

Speaker 1 Kamala versus Trump. They're going gonna use racism and sexism, yeah, yeah, but you know, well, dude, that's the thing, too.
It's like

Speaker 1 I was watching, uh, I think Dana White, I think Dana White

Speaker 1 is nine, it's coming,

Speaker 1 dude. Dana White was on

Speaker 1 what are we gonna do?

Speaker 1 Well, dude, they're like,

Speaker 1 Matt, did you see that shit? What white dudes for Harris shit? No, that's not real. Yeah, it's real.
They went on a Zoom call, they're like, Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, they're all yaz, Yaz though, bro. Fucking David Hogg's in it.
You remember David? Who's David Hogg? He's from one of the shootings. Who's a Parkland? Parkland shooting.
Oh, he's white.

Speaker 1 It's called White Guys for Harris. They don't even call themselves White Blues.
Because they had the big Lebowski kick it off. Like, I'm a dude.
I'm white. I'm a dude.

Speaker 1 Very weird. How much money would it take for you to sit down on a Zoom? Because I'm trying to figure out how the fuck these dudes wind up doing this.

Speaker 1 What's the minimum it would take for you to fucking sit down with the thing around you on Zoom and talk about how much you like whatever president for fucking 15 minutes i don't know i have no idea i think it has to be a fucking you have the rap sheet on you like you're yeah megan d stallion what's that they got megan megan d stallion i think that was a powerful performance saying it at some point

Speaker 1 that was the craziest shit i've ever seen

Speaker 1 they were bragging about that on nc double's out

Speaker 1 i haven't watched anything

Speaker 1 i've literally been don't ask i've been gaming I'm the offensive coordinator at South Florida. Really? Talking with a little respect.
Super Webb is doing technical saying.

Speaker 1 Offensive coordinator at South Florida.

Speaker 1 Go Bulls. Can you create your person? Yes.
Do you scan your face? No. Oh, man.
That would fuck me. No, I just find a guy that looks like my Puerto Rican friend that

Speaker 1 he's a coach. The wow, wow, West.
Really? Oh, shit. Whatever.

Speaker 1 His emails can

Speaker 1 edit.

Speaker 1 But yeah, that's been big for me. I don't know if you guys want to chat NCAA.

Speaker 1 I chat NCAA. It's good.
I suck dick ass. That's good.
When we played Madden, I just completely lost my mind.

Speaker 1 I have to keep starting over.

Speaker 1 I did a dynasty with Notre Dame, and I won the title

Speaker 1 pretty quickly.

Speaker 1 So are you not happy with the result of the first? I don't like it. I don't want it to be like that.
I want to work.

Speaker 1 This is about hard work. So, South South.
It's no small feat with Notre Dame, though. Notre Dame's pretty good, Bill.
Are they, really? Yeah. They're 90 overall, man.
Come on.

Speaker 1 You know what they do every year, though?

Speaker 1 You'd love them so much, and they'd let you down. Yeah.
All of our favorite teams do it. Why not us? Why not us just once? Yeah, just once.

Speaker 1 I've left like two games in the last few years saying that.

Speaker 1 Drunkenly, actually going, just like, why can't we get one?

Speaker 1 Yes. That's actually

Speaker 1 both Ohio State games. That was tough.
I saw the end of that one last year. That hurt, bro.
That was crazy.

Speaker 1 I couldn't believe how hurt I was. And you were there.
Yeah. Were you at the goal line stand or whatever it was? Yeah, I was up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was the most painful.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do? Yell at the guys? No, I still

Speaker 1 talk to college, kids. I still support the boys.
You don't know how much it's meant to me. He's a 35-year-old supporter.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you losing that for?

Speaker 1 It's a goal line stand. No, I drunkenly walked out of the stadium more angry than I ever anticipated.
And Ohio State.

Speaker 1 When we went to Ohio State and Notame Lost, I was like walking down the street be like, yeah, whatever fucking losers, you go to fucking Ohio State. Oh, God.
Never went to either school. Never went to

Speaker 1 Westchester. It was as embarrassing as it gets.
Westchester.

Speaker 1 Westchester alone going out.

Speaker 1 Whatever. Campus sucks.

Speaker 1 Go round. Ohio blows.
It does. I drove through Ohio.
That fucking state sucks to drive through. Ohio? At night? It does suck to drive through, but it's a good state.
I mean, I respect Ohio residents.

Speaker 1 I respect you. If you're an Ohio resident, I fucking respect you, but that was a tough drive.
I was shocked by Wisconsin. What was that one when it was all fucking Wisconsin?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was crazy how beautiful that was. Yeah, Wisconsin and Minnesota, they get a little, yeah.

Speaker 1 There was no, the corn wasn't, it's knee-high by July, so we got through a little early, so it wasn't just all cornfields that we couldn't fucking see.

Speaker 1 So it was honestly pretty good, and the res smelled good as shit. Res smelled like vanilla, really? Yeah,

Speaker 1 you looked it up, it was like there's some clover they got that just smells of maize balls, really.

Speaker 1 I heard uh, Idaho, Idaho is apparently beautiful as well,

Speaker 1 dude. Fair was just out in fucking Yellowstone when that shit erupted, yeah, dude.
One of his boys watched him at Yellowstone and lost his damn mind, bought a ranch out there, dude.

Speaker 1 Are you serious? Oh, yeah, yeah, it's got cows and shit now, like a whole cow ranch. What a fucking mistake that is.
No, it's coming for everybody, man.

Speaker 1 You can get bit by the Yellowstone bug, yeah, but I mean, I understand moving there, but being like, I'm going to be a ranch hand. That's crazy.
I'm going to

Speaker 1 get a ranch work. I'm going to get a fucking cow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hopefully.

Speaker 1 I'm wishing him many cows, dude. I'm wishing his

Speaker 1 many oxen to be strong.

Speaker 1 I would like to see

Speaker 1 Stevie Nixon and Reggie Miller. Yeah, bring those guys out.

Speaker 1 Those ickies.

Speaker 1 Spod, you might be the most interesting man in the world right now.

Speaker 1 What are the babes like in Egypt? Just curious.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, so they're pretty beat, but I heard that all the rich ones, I heard all the rich ones are like, you know, sequestered in art shows and like high-class things.

Speaker 1 I'm like walking around with the regular people. I got like almost arrested for videotaping a chick.
She thought I was all... I was being weird.
I was being weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're a dad. You were not.

Speaker 1 No, I was just videotaping. I was trying to get a sunset in a courtyard.
have all these Egyptian cops, dude. I don't think they're cops.
I think they're actually terrorists

Speaker 1 and that they are like lined up. Like, I think that this is like another fucking,

Speaker 1 what was that? Square, Tehran Square or whatever. Like, I think they're just gearing up for another one of them.
Air Springs.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 This guy had no.

Speaker 1 Dude, he took my fucking phone. Look at him.
A little Ewoks. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah, but Matt, the guy took my phone.
He deleted my fucking footage. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Damn, that's a good boy. Look at him, man.

Speaker 1 Which one's this? That's Stevie. This is Stevie Nick.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. You don't see the liberal press putting that video out of you getting attacked by that fucking Egyptian cop anywhere down there.
Dude, chick being like, why is he following me?

Speaker 1 I'm not following you. You're fucking 60.
I'm just getting the sunset. Yeah, you're beat.
You should have been like, you're too beat to film. Yeah, she was beat.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 She said, you're a fucking four, bitch. So

Speaker 1 I said to the cop, I was like, what's she saying? What's she saying? She's like, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him.
Like, I was like, oh, now she knows English. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's some fucking bullshit. So were they like, were they like stout workhorses? Are they like skinny ladies? Like, what's going on?

Speaker 1 Well, a lot of them are burked up, but then the other ones are mostly workhorses.

Speaker 1 Oh, true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're Burke girls.

Speaker 1 Burks are like just the hood, you know, just a hat part. Okay.
What's the full thing called? Burke? Trash bag.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 Burke. You're saying Burke is just a hat.
Yeah. That's what you just said.
No, no, I'm just saying, like, there's a lot of them are just a head scarf, but then there's also the Burke.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know what just the head scarf is.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's um, I didn't learn a lot because nobody, dude, nobody fucking talked to me because a lot of them are just fucking kind of dickheads walking around.

Speaker 1 Like, they're they don't want to fuck with me at all.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You probably remind them of Ramsey's, dude. They're from like

Speaker 1 just like,

Speaker 1 bro, I get this in America. so it just treated like shit.
That sucks. That's like Matt or Billy was like,

Speaker 1 yeah, Bill was like, oh, dude, Kirk Kaz does this. Like, yeah, I'm not Kirk Kaz, dude.
I'm not some fucking German chad walking around the world. South African.
Yeah, whatever.

Speaker 1 South African and German, actually. Yeah, that happened to me.

Speaker 1 My boy went to Germany first, and he was like, dude, Europeans love Americans. Get ready.
When I was going to Spain, I was like, sick.

Speaker 1 No one.

Speaker 1 It's called the halo effect. Good-looking people can go wherever the fuck they want.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was like, dude, if I spoke Spanish, you guys would think I was cool and funny. No.
But without talking, people thought I was mentally just

Speaker 1 immune.

Speaker 1 Told you are good fucking hounds, bro.

Speaker 1 They're great out. They just net friends and chill.
They just chill that hard. It's literally just sitting on my lap.
It's great. That's all.
He loves a nice chill sesh.

Speaker 1 This is like when you look at them and you're like, that's a pet. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, Matt met my dog. My dog was like a pain in the ass.
Like, this is a pet.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, this is just nothing but enjoying her to say hello. Don't let him

Speaker 1 go in to say hello. You know, we can't bond like this.
Stevie, do not piss on the love Zach. Yeah, lay down, brother.
How much? They don't piss that much, though, right? It's all the time.

Speaker 1 No, just dude, they do look. Chloe fucking pissed in our closet the other day.

Speaker 1 Your daughter? Yeah, she just went into our closet and just squatted down behind all Britney's clothes and just pissed everywhere. Matt, when I was a kid, I used to piss in people's basements.

Speaker 1 I used to piss all over the place, bro. I actually got like kicked out of some lady's house for good because I was pissing with her daughter.
It was fucking weird. I'm still stuck on

Speaker 1 a raw dog in a flight from Egypt to... Yeah.
I don't think we're giving this enough.

Speaker 1 No, it's

Speaker 1 wild. Headphones.

Speaker 1 Dude, the plane, Egypt Air, I'm not knocking it, but it's like a taking a time portal. You can watch the Egypt Air safety instruction video.
It's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 The plane's like from the fucking early 2000s or late 90s. So it's a whole nother world.
Like,

Speaker 1 that's unmatched on comfort. I sat in like a China, you know, like the Chinatown bus? That's what the same fabric is on the seats.
It's the same seats.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got on the plane and I was like, I made a big, big mistake. What were the names? What were the name of the headphones you had?

Speaker 1 I didn't have. Oh, no, I had Hypergear Sport too.

Speaker 1 The person who made them probably jumped after making them.

Speaker 1 I think it's your sport. This is what I was made of, Bill.
What? You beat a fucking weirdo with two dogs. Yeah.
They're my friends. There's fur babies, dude.
I can't let them piss him.

Speaker 1 They're so cute.

Speaker 1 They're so, dude. Those things are awesome.
Fucked up. Reggie's so chill.
God, I'd love to see your dress. They're fucked with the fellas.
Yeah, they're little hedgehogs.

Speaker 1 They're like hedgehogs when they lay like that. They don't look fucking real.
One looks like Rocket from fucking Guardians.

Speaker 1 They're going to lose their puppy hair, though, and then they're going to look like little rats, and then they're going to get their regular hair. Yeah, they get their fucking adult coat.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Yo, Shane, can you believe it? One of them costs more than me for adoption. One of them, one of them costs more than me, dude.
We did the match

Speaker 1 with inflation.

Speaker 1 I feel like personally, Matt, I feel like I've earned more money than this thing will earn. Yeah, like I earned my place, but yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 Out the gate, equal. Yeah.
Although Billy can start up a Qtstagram. If you start up a Qtstagram, he's gonna do big and

Speaker 1 I need to see you shirtless with those boys laying on the ground unimpressive. I'd love to see it.

Speaker 1 I would pay for it. Yeah, actually, how much money?

Speaker 1 How much money would it cost for you to start a cute sinkle?

Speaker 1 You could start one of just them, dude. You can start one of just them.
Nah, they're then you can do like a separate like goatsy thing or whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm not like the asshole that's came in.

Speaker 1 Bro, relax.

Speaker 1 If you're in a hotel room, you feel devious. I get it, but not in front of the dog.
I'm fucking waiting. Not in front of Stevie.
My bad. Not in front of TV, Reggie.
You beat off already.

Speaker 1 Blink all the way.

Speaker 1 How long have you been here? I just got due to TV. Show that chart again.

Speaker 1 Show that chart again. I just fucking got here, bro.
There was a dip before the dip with us. Nothing more shameful than that.
You guys wait. Are you aware?

Speaker 1 Let the record state that I just, I have text record. I just got the room was just available for me.
But I'll show you my dip again.

Speaker 1 I mean, maybe we'll see how my, we'll see how I've been reacting to this whole.

Speaker 1 It's smart to keep it on the left. Yeah.
Yo, you guys guys got me all fucking stressed the fuck out, dude. No, I'm just engaged.
I'm just engaged right now. It's no big deal.

Speaker 1 Did you have to get little dogs because you're scared? Because you're dog-pilled? No, no, nothing like that. We already talked about this last week.
Wait, why are you dog-pilled?

Speaker 1 Saw a fucking chick bang a dog when I was in like sixth grade. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Ew. Nah, Reggie would never pipe my girlfriend.

Speaker 1 Reggie might pipe. Reggie's penis is we, bro.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's got a nub, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's an outdoor belly button.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's only going to get bigger. It's only going to get bigger.
It's only up from here.

Speaker 1 It might get fat, too. He could have a wad on him.

Speaker 1 I mean, Matt has Jacks. Jackson's dick is huge.
Yeah. Jackson deviant, dude.
He was like sucking Zeus's dick and shit. Yeah, but Zeus' own dick is like a human dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. I actually thought about that, Andrew.
I was like, dude, your dog might have blew out my dog's ACL. It might have weakened it.
Zeus would like, ruthlessly hump him.

Speaker 1 For a second, I'm like, damn, dude, Zeus definitely blew out Jackson's knee. They had

Speaker 1 at least like fucked it up a little bit. That's something special.
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Speaker 1 It might be too late by the time you see this, but I'll be there this weekend, August 1st through 3rd, the San Jose Improv. Please come to that.
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Speaker 1 a couple big ones, Tyson's Hall in Virginia. I'm going to need people to come out there.
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Speaker 1 And also

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Speaker 1 Dude, released a turtle yesterday. What do you mean? It was, we, I, me and Maya found a turtle, like a tiny, dude, frill, like it was like this big, a little, like, water turtle.
Damn.

Speaker 1 Bought it home for a couple of days. And it, dude, turtles are disgusting, by the way.
Yeah, they are. I would come out the next day.
Dude,

Speaker 1 they take the biggest shits. Like all the food, all the food I would throw into its tank.
It would just turn into just like crap. It was disgusting.
After like three days, I was like, what was it?

Speaker 1 Miami.

Speaker 1 Rainbow Slowbug.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you never told me that. So when you texted me, we just released Rainbow Slowbug.

Speaker 1 I was like, dude, that must be an autocrag to fuck all the formats out of his mind i thought i told you we had a turtle i thought i told you we had a turtle you know i never knew it was rainbow slow

Speaker 1 yeah rainbow that was my i gave my a two seconds i was like what's it what's uh what do you want to name him dude literally rainbow slow bug and i was like wow that's that's actually a great that's a pretty good name to name your next special i might take all the thought out i mean that's a good one i might just do rainbow slow bug yeah i would take that yeah rainbow dude nice we released him it was like it was like out of an animal movie.

Speaker 1 We put him in the thing. He just, he was so happy.
He ran into the, it's like a little like rocky waterfall looking thing, jumped off that into the water, or like kind of fell off, really.

Speaker 1 Went under the water. Like, damn, that's just it.
He's gone. Dude, like a minute later, pops his head back up right near us, just looking at us.
I'm like, man, this is the best thing ever. Magic.

Speaker 1 Did you watch The Boy in the Heron?

Speaker 1 What's that? Oh, dude.

Speaker 1 What you're talking about just reminds me of the fucking Boy and the Heron cartoon Billy made me watch

Speaker 1 anime. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's good anime house. Tony.
Steinsgate, dude. If you're watching anime, please watch Steinsgate.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He didn't like it.
I like it.

Speaker 1 That's about it.

Speaker 1 Shit. Dude, right now, I've forced my kids to watch Pokemon with me from the beginning.

Speaker 1 So good. That's pretty exciting.
So good. Pokemon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they love it. Thank God.
It's so good. Dude, I'm on like episode nine right now.
It is kind of fucked up, though.

Speaker 1 They're just like finding animals and make them fight each other you have to beat the shit out of an animal and then you get to capture it and just make it fight other animals

Speaker 1 and dude the one of the dude remember brock yeah brock punches misty in the head twice it's different culture dude for real

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 it's fine dudes

Speaker 1 yeah he fucking smacks the shit out of misty in like the seventh episode twice just bops her on the head for talking shit i was like all right i lost my voice when i got a holographic charizard that the 7-eleven on 202, and Fed brought me there, dude.

Speaker 1 They had them just sitting there at the front. You could roll in and grab one.
I grabbed one, got a holographic Charizard, lost my fucking mind.

Speaker 1 The movie's sick. It's probably worth something if you have it.
Bro, it's gone now.

Speaker 1 What happened to it? I have no idea. Shit.
It's probably gone with my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card.
You had one? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 I got like the whole year.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I just got a whole year's worth of baseball cards one time for Christmas, and I remember Tom was like, yo, that's Ken Griffey Jr.'s

Speaker 1 rookie year. Found it, put it in the hard case, but I couldn't help it, dude.
I had to take it out of the hard case.

Speaker 1 Just fondle. I would just fondle the card.
I would just fondle the card. Just get your grease all over.
Fondle. Just bend the shit out of every corner.

Speaker 1 Every corner. I'm like, all right,

Speaker 1 we got to put it right back in afterwards, but I'm going to take it out of this card. It's in mint.
Right now it's mint. And I got to pop it out.
Like 10 people hold it and get all fucked up.

Speaker 1 Everyone has magazines that had what they're worth. Oh, I was on that.
Make a man a rookie card. The Beckett.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which one's Beckett? I think that was the name of the magazine. That's a magazine.
Yeah. Yeah, there's like a rookie card, Jordan rookie card were fucking high dollar items.

Speaker 1 What do they go for now? Because there are guys as fuck. Are they expecting like I thought people had a resurgence? No, they had some weird, like right around COVID, they had their weird resurgence.

Speaker 1 Oh, you fucker. I remember thinking, like, I had cards, and I had the ones that just slipped in.
And then I went to some dude's house, and he had the one with screws.

Speaker 1 And I was like, what the fuck, bro? Oh, the ones where you can collect it completely like a ton.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Yeah, I had some cards.
Anything worth anything?

Speaker 1 Let's talk about it off camera.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 I don't have anything. Kyle Ripkin rookie card.
I definitely had some Ripkins.

Speaker 1 That was my era. Yeah, it sucked when we had them because they came out those stupid ass jersey cards.
This was Endgame Warren Jersey by LeBron James.

Speaker 1 That was all at Boost Corners, which you can't go to anymore. That guy, why can't you go to Boost Corners? Oh, there's a pedo up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a pedo. There's a pedo at boost corners.
We heard her here first. Yeah, some dude at boost corners a place down near near my parents.
Like it was like a shoe place or some shit.

Speaker 1 This dude brought his daughter in. The guy who runs it grabbed the girl's fucking pigtails and said, Oh, look, they're handlebars.
And the guy was just like, What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 1 And I think he said it was a big misunderstanding, but I mean, that's a mess.

Speaker 1 That's a huge miss. If he was legitimately kidding, he was like, Yeah, they are like handlebars, aren't they? Or you're complete pedophiles.

Speaker 1 Or if you're just thinking like a bike, like bike handlebars. Yeah, exactly.
Maybe,

Speaker 1 yeah. He might have missed.

Speaker 1 You know, I like to look for the good in people. Hopefully, that was.
That's what I told Tom. I was like, dude, it might just be the fucking dude that was making a bike joke.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do you really think some dude would grab some of his daughters and be like, yo, I could grip these and just fuck. It's like, there's no way.
Kind of, kind of makes me think

Speaker 1 the Facebook mom's a little too horny.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Kind of makes me think the mom might be a little too horny. Yeah, to be like, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I feel like a guy really fucking with John. I don't know.
I heard he's weird with measuring feet. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What's he doing with feet? I just heard he's weird about it. You got to measure the feet.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 it's the same guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Are we sure he's not kind of just a little slow? Yeah, he might just be the slow.
That's what I'm saying. He might be a slow shoe guy.

Speaker 1 Every reputable shoe salesman, are you talking about stepping on that like shoe chart thing? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's normal, bro.
I hear you. I'm not trying to find this shit in the weeds, dude.

Speaker 1 There's dudes out there. What's the guy's name? I was asking you to try to get him on the cast.
The guy that got the fucking... Oh.
Did you see that guy?

Speaker 1 Alex Rosen? Hold on,

Speaker 1 dude. This guy fucking just killed himself because they caught him on a telegram with infant porn.
Yeah, they went up. Infants, man.
They interviewed the guy.

Speaker 1 Alex Rosen interviews the guy, and he's like, dude, like, what's going on? He's like, yeah, it's just like mainly like people coming on kids, like babies.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 they say he walks in the house and five minutes later, lead bullet.

Speaker 1 Cops have to break the door and go get him.

Speaker 1 You hit him with the. I'm surprised it's not every one.

Speaker 1 I'm surprised it's not every one of those dudes get caught on YouTube. Like, you're trying to meet a 13-year-old girl.
You told her to put a... hairbrush up her vagina.

Speaker 1 Every single one of those dudes, the fact that they're alive blows my fucking mind. And when they argue, that's nuts, dude.
Yeah, they're like, exactly. So what the fuck are you talking to me for?

Speaker 1 Every time. I didn't know she was trying to run.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Trying to run through a fucking game.
Well, that dude's like, he must have been a football player. He's humongous.
He's humongous. Yeah, he's a fucking beast.

Speaker 1 Dude, that would be a good, what you want to call it? Like, prank?

Speaker 1 Like a punked show where you just find somebody in a Walmart and you're like, yo, you were talking to a 13-year-old girl and you just chase them around the store. No, Matt, actually.

Speaker 1 And at the end, you're catching him. You're like, yo, here's $500.
Just a prank. You're definitely not a pedophile.
Dude, I got in a pop squad all shovel around. Shove them around the street.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Yeah, I saw a dude that they wrongly accused of this, and he had just gotten out of jail.
And he was like, What are you saying to me? And like, they tracked the wrong phone.

Speaker 1 He was just close to the guy they were trying to find in Walmart, dude. It doesn't go well.
That's not a good prank, is all I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I would try to find like two of the biggest guys. I would get two huge armed men that would just hold you at gunpoint and be like, You're trying to fuck kids.
This guy's trying to fuck kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now it's just walking out to the front of the middle.

Speaker 1 The guy that made Space Jam, they got his ass.

Speaker 1 Yep, I've seen that. Remember Space Jam? Yeah, of course.
Remember Ghostbusters? Yeah,

Speaker 1 the guy that made Space Jam was trying to, what did he take a 15-year-old out for pizza? Yeah, it was something wild where he just like took this girl out for pizza. Like, yo, what are you doing here?

Speaker 1 He's like, just eating pizza.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Just out to eating pizza. What? Yeah, they fucking.
Vitaly? You know, Vitaly? No.

Speaker 1 He's like, it was Vitaly and the bodybuilder podcaster dude, Bradley Martin, fucking sat down next to him and was like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, just eating pizza out of space.

Speaker 1 What the fuck does it look like? It's a 15-year-old girl. And it's like, dude, it's in the middle of the restaurant.
I would have like a fucking, what's that movie I just fucked up? It's not I Am Sam.

Speaker 1 It's the other one. Rainman.
Rainman Freakout got on the plane. If you bust me at that, I just start smacking my face.
It'd go, I would claim insanity immediately. Raymond doesn't like the bathtub.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Watner. Watner's on the side.
Yeah, he wasn't, he wasn't like surprised. He was like, what do you think? He was kind of just like, it was like a disturbance to him.

Speaker 1 What do you you like? If I came up and you were talking to like a hot chick at the bar, I was like, yo, Matt, like, how's your girlfriend? Like, it was like that kind of face where it's like,

Speaker 1 dude, you're kind of blowing up my spot right now if a fucking super hot 15-year-old night.

Speaker 1 He hit him with the Indian guys on to catch a predator. What? When you're just like, what are you doing? And they're like, what the fuck does it look like? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Clearly trying to get a girl to have sex. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 They don't know the rules. Obviously.
that is kind of fucked up for Indians. The fact that they just come over here and some chicks like fucking completely legal their country.
Let's go, dude.

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, fuck me. I watched, speaking of killing yourself, I watched, do you ever see that Bernie Madoff movie they made with De Niro? Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's great. I watched it.
It's great. But there's a part where Bernie Madoff and his wife try to kill themselves.
Because

Speaker 1 they take a ton of ambiences and all he does is hallucinate.

Speaker 1 He doesn't kill himself, he just

Speaker 1 probably

Speaker 1 took enough, yeah. But he took he they they must have taken like two, these fucking idiots.
They're like, Well, we had a good life,

Speaker 1 just real grotto, and he just has a hallucination where he's talking to his sons, and they show up,

Speaker 1 they show the real footage, they're not the real footage, obviously, but they show not in his hallucination. It's just a guy sitting on a couch, like, I love you guys.

Speaker 1 De Niro is great, but he just loves that way. He's so good in that

Speaker 1 Trump. The fucking political stuff.
Yeah. Trump thinks he's a tough guy.
I'll fucking punch him.

Speaker 1 You'll get hurt if you get in an altercation with anybody. I'm pretty sure you think you're a tough guy.
You're like victim number one in the knockout game.

Speaker 1 Biden hit Trump with the tough guy talk, too. Biden tried to talk about the Biden and the woods.
Jesus, kick your ass. That was jet lagged.
Dude, he tried to play that golf shit on Trump.

Speaker 1 I watched Trump and is it Kepska? Was it Kepka or DeShambo? Who was DeCambo's good? Holy fuck, Trump's good at golf, bro. That was the oldest I've seen him look, though.

Speaker 1 That was, of course, he's old, but when you see him in that, you're like, damn, this guy's geezed, bro. But then he launches the ball.
He launches the ball, dude. 280.
Same drive as Bill. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's looking absurd, dude. Yeah, Bill just got a lesson, got up to 280.
No, 265, or what was it? Like 265, I think. It was my longest one.
I would like to know who's Trump's.

Speaker 1 whoever decided to put him in the Atlanta Black Women's Journalist Convention. He went.
Well, dude, think about that. When he said,

Speaker 1 dude, she was supposed to be there.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 let's go no the one where he's talking about her being indian yeah that's it no that was chicago wasn't it oh i thought it was a chicago yeah

Speaker 1 meg and the stallion concert that people stayed afterwards

Speaker 1 she was supposed to be there i told bill this we were driving obviously me and bill watched it live we were driving and it was like they said that uh she was supposed to be there then they were late And I think they were trying to get Trump to walk out on it.

Speaker 1 And then Trump walked out on them. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's kind of damned if you do.
Damn, because if he turned it down, they'd be like, he won't even come talk to us. He had to do it.

Speaker 1 He had to go do it. And dude, I'm telling you, I only saw a little.
I don't think he didn't dare the public anything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but if you turn down the

Speaker 1 Association of Black Journalists, they'll fucking spin that and be like, he refused. Yeah, he did last time.

Speaker 1 Oh, he didn't do it last time? No. And then he went this time because Kamala was supposed to come.
Then Kamala fucking pussied out.

Speaker 1 I think he went because he talked to that one chick the day he got shot. Yeah, he did.
The one girl interviewing him.

Speaker 1 Dude, the best in the RNC, his last, his first thing in the RNC, he's like, this is the only time I'm going to talk about it.

Speaker 1 He was in Harrisburg last night. He goes, that guy was there when I got shot, too.
This is the lady who put a teleprompter on. Brought her off stage and kissed her three times.

Speaker 1 Remember when he was like, I'm going to marry that teleprompter? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you see when he was

Speaker 1 my favorite part, dude?

Speaker 1 I want to thank Hulk Hogan. He killed it tonight.
Dana Whitey was on vacation. I'm not even going to tell you where he was.
It was sick.

Speaker 1 Baron.

Speaker 1 We love Baron.

Speaker 1 Everybody loves Ben.

Speaker 1 He's a good boy. He's a tall boy.
He is a tall boy. I'd like to feed my eyes on that boy.
They tried to hit him with he was a fucking weirdo in high school. It's like, bro.

Speaker 1 Yeah, obviously, he's weird as shit. He's like seven feet tall.

Speaker 1 That's Donald Trump.

Speaker 1 How's he going to relate to you, fucking pleads, bro?

Speaker 1 It's the same PR shit that was against me in high school is doing this right now. Yeah.
This the whole weird, they're weird. Yeah.
I lived through this already. I know this isn't a real thing.

Speaker 1 You're a creepy guy. Yeah, you're a weirdo.
You're fucking creepy. This makes no sense.
They're trying to hit the fucking dudes where it hurts, bro. JD Vince wearing eyeliner.
That's weird.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm weird.

Speaker 1 We're all the bums.

Speaker 1 BNC created the bums. They created me.
I'm going back to Kensington where the vampires are.

Speaker 1 This is home of the vamps. This is vamp city.
Look at this. You're so jealous.

Speaker 1 I do like those dogs. they're great told you just i'm proud

Speaker 1 i'm just afraid that they're gonna be dogs that constantly bark and you're gonna be a weird guy train them that's what i'm saying these dogs never bark i'm just i fear that that's a dangerous future you're messing with something this is serious dude you got to train those put the task in front of me i will complete it i just need you need a video you need a video podcast no problem i'll put the video podcast ad on

Speaker 1 true it's recording right now it's been recording the whole time i hope it's been recording no zoom's caption zoom's capturing everything so you'll at least you'll have this split-screen gala review.

Speaker 1 No problem. Are you not entertained?

Speaker 1 Don't get me started on two.

Speaker 1 Bill, you can get those

Speaker 1 ice spice.

Speaker 1 We need ice spice in Gladiator. I know.
They were trying to hit her with downs. So, what? Come on, dude.
I don't know. They're just so mosaic.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know the types, but they were just trying to, yeah, probably

Speaker 1 down-ass bitch, dude. Yeah, true, true.

Speaker 1 Put the grub on hit the rings, man. Hit the rings, man.
You know, something in your ticket.

Speaker 1 There you go. There you go.
I'm going to prefer a drug.

Speaker 1 The minute you get delts, dude, I'm putting the drug test on the table. What are you talking about? The minute I get delts, like, I don't have delts.
The fuck's on our delta.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about your delts. Cannons, bro.
Or delts on the top or what? I took like two weeks off of training, bro. I'm about to re-enter.
I know.

Speaker 1 The picture of you, Jacked, is

Speaker 1 that was a camera distortion. That was a camera distortion.
Dude, last time we did the podcast, Matt was flexing, and it's comical. Are you serious?

Speaker 1 I'm telling you.

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 1 It is what it is, dude. Dude, is that a filter? No.
No,

Speaker 1 I think my kids.

Speaker 1 I think Matt's getting saline shots. Fuck, bro.
Problem not, dude.

Speaker 1 That's just spinach. That's a Popeye.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's just

Speaker 1 servings of people you're eating. I'm lifting.
Sure, the veggies are helping all my minerals, dude. I'm constantly, I have two kids, dude.

Speaker 1 Imagine if you're just carrying around like fucking 60 pounds all day. Matt, you don't have to hit me below the belt like that, bro.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, we're all fucking childless catwomans.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying it. You get like, you get popped.
Imagine I had two kids. All right, I'll do that for fucking four hours.
Don't do that for a 12-hour flight. Until these jozuckies are gone.

Speaker 1 You could have kids, dude. You can have kids.
I think Stevie and Reggie might be a pound each.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're weird. I mean, they're fur kids.
They're not the real ones. I know.
Fur babies.

Speaker 1 They're practice babies. Reggie hates me.
You know what's crazy is how light it is and how expensive it is because I was born 10 pounds. Yeah.
So I'm like 10 of that. Ah, fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the price per pound is way off. Yeah.
So technically you're way, way cheaper. Price per meter is like, I'm way cheaper.

Speaker 1 I'm a good deal.

Speaker 1 You have that baloney price.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's lemon and bologna, dude.

Speaker 1 Damn it.

Speaker 1 Scrapple, baby.

Speaker 1 Did you see when Trump was on the golf cart talking shit on Kamala like weeks and weeks ago? Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw her.
They're like, they're going to run her. And he's like, she's so fucking bad.

Speaker 1 She's so fucking pathetic.

Speaker 1 Karen was just there soaking it in, too, which is great. Burn.

Speaker 1 We love burn.

Speaker 1 She's so bad. It's fucking pathetic.
He probably fucking believes that.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, she is pretty bad. She's a

Speaker 1 bro. Like, no one's ever liked her.
Now they're going to try to steal an election. Be like, oh, no, she's actually super popular.

Speaker 1 Have her and Hillary Clinton ever been seen in the same place no i mean bill played the

Speaker 1 the code switching thing the code switching and uh what do you call it people are saying that's just normal you just do that in general we're gonna win in 2024 yeah she's a

Speaker 1 well dude apparently she uh graduated i think she went to a historically yeah and i think during herod she decided like you know what i'm black i'm going she made the conscious decision to identify as black Okay,

Speaker 1 there's nothing weird about that. There's nothing weird about growing up Indian and being like, you know what, I'm going to be now.

Speaker 1 A lot of white kids do it in the suburbs for like four years.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I really don't. I don't maybe she'll start skating next.
She might be a skater next year.

Speaker 1 She couldn't skate up. Yeah, I get one.
What if she's just following your trajectory?

Speaker 1 When she comes out, she does this fucking speech in the red glasses and the auras.

Speaker 1 Crazy. I'd be pissed.
If she was copying me, I'd be pissed. Mom might be swagger jacking.

Speaker 1 I'm not asking for a peak, but do you have abs?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, all right, not yet. I think I had a couple, but again, right now it's not about aesthetics.
It's just about performance right now. It's just bulk.
It's functional. It's functional, yes.

Speaker 1 It's strictly functional, dude. I mean, obviously, I got my cardio down seven years.
I'm just trying to get everything else in order. And you're natty.
Natty. Dude, I swear you got natty.

Speaker 1 People are trying to say I'm chewing gum too hard, so therefore I'm not natty. It's like, dude, I am telling you, dude.
I will submit for a test.

Speaker 1 I mean, obviously, there is the natty spectrum, as we all know. Yeah.
But I'm 100% natty. This is just spinach, this is just veggies, vitamins.
I think vitamins, veggies, you're Jose, bro.

Speaker 1 It's Jose, Conseko. No, dude, no, I'm not, dude.
I'm telling you, bro. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I submit for a

Speaker 1 podcasting where all the top podcasters do steroids.

Speaker 1 Far from that, man.

Speaker 1 I'm going to break the glass.

Speaker 1 Barry Bonds is a huge. You need to become the Barry Bonds.

Speaker 1 Barry Bonds is is huge yo i saw aaron judge he's human dude that picture of you two is insane that guy's who is that guy he's the best

Speaker 1 he's probably the best player he's trying to baseball i had a feeling i had a feeling he was like the next six seven it's like he had a super mario fucking mushroom he's like not like weird big looking he is a normal looking dude that's just way bigger than you yeah giant super size

Speaker 1 this is fake dude someone edited this yeah it was that was the most nervous i've been meeting someone i was just i couldn't believe how star struggled how How old is he?

Speaker 1 30. Holy shit, that's a big thing.
Dude, he saw me during batting practice. He was like, so I'm coming over there.
And I was like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, he's going to come over here. I said, joked.

Speaker 1 And then he came over and I was like, how are you?

Speaker 1 Stealing up under the fucking space.

Speaker 1 Hi there. He goes, what are you doing hot back there? I was like, wow, that was pretty cool.
That was crazy.

Speaker 1 You ever seen the Kyle Mooney shit? It was. It was so bad.
You ever see the Kyle Mooney stuff when he interviews baseball? That's exactly what I I was doing.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do when the champions come?

Speaker 1 Everyone loves it when he's the big long shot out there. Hold on.
So

Speaker 1 he's like the current Derek Jeter, basically. He's like the biggest baseball player in the ML.
He's a run leader. He's the greatest.
He's a mutant, dude. Yeah, he's big as fuck.
Look at Shane's.

Speaker 1 Is it on your Instagram? Yeah, the guy's enormous. I saw the pick.
I said, God damn, who the fuck? For a second, I went, that's not Derek Jeter, is it? Dude, Reggie Jetson foot yesterday.

Speaker 1 You're still

Speaker 1 standing. Yes.
On equal ground. Yes.
Holy shit. That dude's huge.
That's a massive man.

Speaker 1 That was me. Full nervous spasm.

Speaker 1 How are you? I don't know why. He was like, so what's going on? I was like,

Speaker 1 nothing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just fucking doing bullshit.

Speaker 1 I literally asked him, how are you? Yeah. About to play a fucking ML.
That's a play question. You're great.

Speaker 1 He's like, how are you doing?

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 How are you doing, buddy? I didn't know what to say. You're big.
Dude,

Speaker 1 he hit like a 500-foot home run. He's

Speaker 1 been after the game.

Speaker 1 Yo, let's hang out later.

Speaker 1 No, I couldn't talk.

Speaker 1 This is the

Speaker 1 second and a half spaz I've had. What was that one? The number one Steph Curry was a composer.
I'm Shane Gillis. Hi, I'm Shane Gillis.

Speaker 1 You might have seen me on Sam.

Speaker 1 Michael Phelps was a full spaz. Dude, I saw him hit a putt when he was learning how to play golf from 160 feet.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's not human. No, he's an alien.
Hey, Rick. Phelps?

Speaker 1 Michael Phelps was a beast. I didn't think I would be that excited to meet that guy.
And I didn't even meet him.

Speaker 1 He flew next to me on a plane.

Speaker 1 That was raw dog.

Speaker 1 I wasn't listening to music. I was blacked out of my music, just sitting there.
Fuck, this Michael Phelps.

Speaker 1 Fuck, this Michael Phelps keep looking at me. I don't know why there was a lot of mouths with me.
He's so cool, though, bro. Yeah, dude.
He's the man.

Speaker 1 What would you do if he passed you the grab bomb? I would smash the bomb, dude.

Speaker 1 The biggest anxiety attack in the world on a plane.

Speaker 1 That probably wasn't even Michael Phelps. What the fuck? It's just a dog.
It's just a guy.

Speaker 1 Did you say I?

Speaker 1 Yeah, briefly. Literally in full spaz.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think he knew who I was. I was just like, I was a dude, big fan man.
I walked as fast as I could away from him. Just looking for your handler.

Speaker 1 That was another, like when Gabe gave me his jersey, this was another full one of those.

Speaker 1 Aaron Judge gave me his bat, and I was just like,

Speaker 1 just held it.

Speaker 1 And people, everyone watching was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 You literally looked like a special needs guy. You rose it over your head.
Yeah, I held it up. I was like,

Speaker 1 you just got to start saying hi to everyone with the I'm Shane gills. I don't know what's going on.
Hi, I'm Shane. You got to work on an approach.
He hit me with the true. True.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, what are you doing hiding back there? Nothing.

Speaker 1 For real. I was like,

Speaker 1 why the the fuck are you talking to me, George?

Speaker 1 I didn't know I had that spasm.

Speaker 1 That's great. I mean, what the fuck? That dude is a fucking big person.
Yeah. I was like fucking phased by how big that dude was.
It was very uncomfortable. Yeah, obviously.
Pause.

Speaker 1 And that's like me with everyone else. Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how I hold it down with like cashiers and shit. I'm like, oh,

Speaker 1 hope your day goes well. Okay.
Yeah, every time we go to the gym, enjoy your workout, you too.

Speaker 1 That's a new PR, though. Yeah, that's a PR.
What? If you hit the fucking, yeah, you too. I guarantee you're benching fucking 350.

Speaker 1 Fucking loser. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Enjoy your workout.

Speaker 1 Yeah, whatever. I hit you too constantly.
Yep. I do it all the time.
Have a safe flight. Yeah, you too.
And I go, and then I correct it. I go, or

Speaker 1 yeah, just never mind. Have a good day.
Yeah, that's what I got a smoothie the other day, and chicks like, enjoy it. I was like, thanks, you too.

Speaker 1 And then I literally just out loud, I was like, I have no idea why I said that. I just walked up.

Speaker 1 I think it was crazy. I know.
I was like, that was retarded. To correct it is being out of control.
Not the right thing to say. Well, you're not going to have a smoothie.
All right. I have to leave.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you think it's going to come off smooth. Like, that was a simple brain farm on my end, but I'll be like, oh, I didn't mean to say that to you.
You just got to look at it and just swallow.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 or just beast it, honestly. True, or just be like, you too, next time you fly, next time you have a workout,

Speaker 1 you probably tear it up in here at night.

Speaker 1 There is a steward, yeah, you too. Those are handlebars.

Speaker 1 All right, gotta go.

Speaker 1 This person needs a fit, he definitely had to swallow after. Oh my god, these look like these are like handlebars

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 on a button. How old is the dude? How old's the uh

Speaker 1 he's a geezer? Yeah, he's geezed up.

Speaker 1 That's why I was like kind of being

Speaker 1 told. I was like, dude, it might not be that bad.
That's why I said

Speaker 1 ultimate L.

Speaker 1 If he's a geezer, if he's a geezer, he does not know about grabbing pigtails and doing back shots, dude.

Speaker 1 You guys scream, dude. You re he's been doing all the time.
I told him he's gonna do the fucking podcast. Shower with his daughter.
And you know that. Yeah.
No, I don't know that.

Speaker 1 It's in her diary.

Speaker 1 Ashley Wynne's diary, what's up, a laptop from hell. They had that thing ready to go.
And Kamala,

Speaker 1 how old? How old was she, though? 13 or like way too old. All right, that's not good.
That's not good.

Speaker 1 So you can get you can catch like an outdoor beach shower with like a two-year-old, but yeah, definitely not that.

Speaker 1 All right, you know, I'm just, you know,

Speaker 1 trying to make sure you said beach shower. I was like, Zoo made that sound.
No, no, no. Balance rose on your ass, bro.
Beach.

Speaker 1 Shoot yourself in San Jose. Outdoor beach shower.
That was so. That that dude explaining, like, he made him explain the porn, and it was just like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, imagine if you just got not even child porn, if you just got like done jerking off the summit, that was like a fucking 30-minute session.

Speaker 1 And by the end of it, you're just like, what the fuck was I watching? Some dude knocks on your door, like, why were you on that website watching?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you saw

Speaker 1 the boys. Sorry, Reggie.
Oh,

Speaker 1 Reggie Miller just.

Speaker 1 Not Reggie. He caught a porn punch.

Speaker 1 You were thinking of your worst vid and you came down with him with all your force. Yeah, sorry, Reggie.
Yeah, you you dog pilled. I don't know.
Took it out of the dog immediately.

Speaker 1 Dude, please don't beat them up. They're too small.
I can't. They fucking piss and shit in the house.
I'm just like the Arthur fist. And I go, come here.
Here's a treat.

Speaker 1 Give them the treats. Yeah, all the time.
After dumps? Not after they take a shit in the right place. Oh, yeah.
I got them sitting, spinning, going up. Let me see you spin.

Speaker 1 I got to get a fucking treat. Get the treats out, dude.
They're dead.

Speaker 1 Turn this into a dog. I wouldn't see the dog.
He just got punched.

Speaker 1 She just got rocked, bro.

Speaker 1 They're like little sphinxes. There's like that.

Speaker 1 Reggie's been tired as hell. How nice is it sleeping in bed with them? They don't sleep in bed with me.
What? They're too little. I'll kill them.
I'd be like Christopher Multasante.

Speaker 1 I mean, you kill your girlfriend.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I fucking.
You've been choking out your girlfriend. Yeah, it's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 That's good practice, though. I'm fighting someone.
I wake up and I'm like, it's like Darth Vader. Yeah, it's crazy.
I don't know. I mean, there's shit going on in the astral plane that I can't.

Speaker 1 Wait, physically doing that? Yeah, grabbing her. You've been invadering her? Imagine if I went to war, dude.
How bad I'd be. That's why that's why you're here with the pupperinas.

Speaker 1 It's fucking nuts, yeah. It's only happened fucking three times.
I wake up three times, it's only happened three times that I've strangled my girlfriend. Yeah, it's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 Like, I have a dream that I'm fighting someone, and the one time, like, I just had a full-blown headlock.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, shit, my bad.

Speaker 1 You saw half of what I saw, you'd understand. I think we've talked about it.

Speaker 1 One time I hopped in bed with my ex-girlfriend, and I was like, fucking move over. And I shoved her.
She was drunk and asleep. And I pushed her.
She was like, oh,

Speaker 1 and I was like, oh, shit, my bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. He goes crazy.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Espousal abuses. Matt, what time's your big show?

Speaker 1 I think probably like 7:30. I'm on the west coast right now, so I got TV.
Three hours. What the hell are you going to do in the meantime? Probably nap, honestly, dude.
I'll probably get some more.

Speaker 1 Definitely jack it off in that hotel, bro. Bro, I, I, bro

Speaker 1 i'll go on my instagram

Speaker 1 dude i'll go on instagram i'll go on ig live bro i'm telling you i'll nap on it i'll nap on ig live i'll nap on ig live and show it i'll do it telling bro i'm telling you i i think i might have ever since i talked to the penis guy i i've fapped once since that episode no lie bro

Speaker 1 it comes for you in the fucking hotel room the hotel room well after the show especially because you're all ramped up and it's the only thing dude it's the only thing that can put you down the rear situation on the other side right Yeah.

Speaker 1 The rings are on the hand.

Speaker 1 That's my tongue ring, baby. So you have.

Speaker 1 So you're saving that. You're saving that for after the show.
That's a little more. I'm going to do my best, but I'm telling you, man, I've not been.
I haven't been fat.

Speaker 1 You can reward yourself after a good show. We'll see, man.
I mean, I don't. You shoot yourself right.
Especially now that you're Jack. That's going to be a fucking intense beat off.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's going to be so crazy. So you're doing like Jack stand-up?

Speaker 1 I'm doing Jack Stand-up, dude. I got a couch.
I got a couch in the room, not bragging. I got a fucking couch here.
I'm like, couch, bro.

Speaker 1 So what? That's what they are.

Speaker 1 Is that for holding the can? That's her holding the camp. That's for the fucking husband.
Bill's ass with cocking, dude. The couch.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. Fuck's the point of that.

Speaker 1 I don't know, just in case I want to watch TV.

Speaker 1 You don't want to lay down on a bed and watch TV. You want to sit up.

Speaker 1 Motherfucker, burst my ham sandwich.

Speaker 1 I might slide between the cushions and I treat people. I'm going to throw a test drive in honor of the VP.
Why ain't it?

Speaker 1 True. You can go, this guy's giving us some decent ideas.
This is good. This is good.
I like what's on his agenda. What? Step one, introducing latex glove with petroleum jelly and a fucking couch.

Speaker 1 This guy's got some ideas. He's got him in the White House.

Speaker 1 Did you ever read his book, Hill Billy Elegy? No. No.

Speaker 1 The libs hate it, dude, because

Speaker 1 it's like to pull yourself up like, bro.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I think it's just probably the lighting.
My lips are just probably rosy.

Speaker 1 I don't know i don't know bro i thought it's a side effect from tea that's just not tea i'm not breaking out i'm not taking tea i'm i'm gonna smash the glass on that probably years from now right now bro i'm i'm not i don't i don't need to greatest era of podcasting of all time dude you guys are all doing it

Speaker 1 i'm not doing tea hearings with you guys all

Speaker 1 shane who

Speaker 1 i'll never see i wouldn't i'd be curious what my tea levels are though i don't know i i go back and forth between like yeah this is how it starts

Speaker 1 I'm not on tea. I'm not worried.
I'm just going to find out. Once you take tea.

Speaker 1 I'm not worried about my tea, dude. I'm happy with everything, dude.

Speaker 1 I don't want to go on that stuff. I can't even drink coffee, dude.
I'm not going to be able to take testosterone. That's what Lance Armstrong said, too.
What did he say? I didn't drink coffee.

Speaker 1 Lance Armstrong's a psycho, bro. Did you watch that fucking 30 for 30 thing? Yeah, he kind of rules.
Yeah. Chad Mountain rules.
He rules. Chad Mountain.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I know Chad Mountain.
I know him personally.

Speaker 1 Really? Yes. Holy fuck.
That's the greatest name ever. Wait, so it's Lance Armstrong and Chad Mountain are boys? They're boys.
Lance was a maniac. Chad was at

Speaker 1 the Netflix tires thing we did. Yeah.
Chad was with us. Oh, nice.
Yeah. Chad Mountain.
Chad Mountain's bro. I would have liked a heads up.
I was in the presence of Chad Mountain.

Speaker 1 Think your car is okay. No, I guarantee my car is fucked.
Dude, look how small they are. Hopefully, the camera picks this up.

Speaker 1 Damn. Give give me a water boys and girl.

Speaker 1 Boy, and girl,

Speaker 1 all right, see it.

Speaker 1 Don't let's go on that pee pad. Oh, straight to the pad.
Yeah, they're well treated.

Speaker 1 You better treat them. You better reward them.
Oh,

Speaker 1 pee-pad for me. Why is he fucking scared?

Speaker 1 Oh, he's scared of the cord. Oh, no, that's a fucking bottle cap.

Speaker 1 Well, that should probably, that's probably

Speaker 1 just watching dogs.

Speaker 1 Never mind. Is he peeing off a pad? Edit that out.
What's that? What? Yeah, the other dog is. Oh, good job, Stevie.
Yeah, that's a piss, dude. Look at that.
Did he pee off the pad?

Speaker 1 No pay. No pay.
We're good.

Speaker 1 That's good. That's good.
That's good. Yeah, you don't want that shit on your dogs, bro.
You don't want to have them peeing on camera like that at all.

Speaker 1 Does Reggie do the leg up? No. Doesn't lift his leg.
Thank God. It takes him a while to do that.
He's not going to do that for.

Speaker 1 Don't get a deuce in right now, though.

Speaker 1 He's taking a shit. Stevie's a fecal friend.
She'll get the deuce. Reggie's thinking about something.
Reggie. Reggie's thinking.

Speaker 1 You're just pissing. You better treat them.
You better treat them immediately.

Speaker 1 They're doing all that.

Speaker 1 Reggie, you can have piss dogs that are laughing. I'm a bad constantly.
Stop putting that in my dog. Reggie,

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you right now, this is going to be.

Speaker 1 These dogs are going to hardly survive.

Speaker 1 Has he a P.O.M. or what? He's got a nice piece.

Speaker 1 Huge pubes.

Speaker 1 Just one long fucking hair.

Speaker 1 You got to shave his bush so it looks bigger.

Speaker 1 What's with that one long hair thing? It's just a long ass hair on his dick. I don't want to share it.
That's all on his dick. He's fucking cut it, dude.
I don't want to fuck with his dick.

Speaker 1 Just the hair part. I got circ, bro.
I'm not trying to do it with my boy. Whatever the hair

Speaker 1 part is. Just let him do it.

Speaker 1 Is it at the biggest one? There you go, dude. What the hell?

Speaker 1 Did we talk about the shea tards last time? What's the shea tards? What's I didn't talk about that. No, it was just some family of YouTubers that I just found out about.
That is,

Speaker 1 they were huge. They were like, it was like a family of Mormons.
And I think his name is Shay, or his last name is. And then he called all of his family the Tards.

Speaker 1 He had mommy Tard, baby Tard, son Tard.

Speaker 1 And he did a daily vlog

Speaker 1 every day. He was like one of the first.
Are these one of the people that got in trouble for like hurting their shit? He got in trouble for

Speaker 1 he was, was, I don't think, I don't know if he actually cheated, but he was like sexting

Speaker 1 with like a cam girl. As you do, and then all these YouTubers think got caught whacking off, and she definitely released his texts.
Oh, my God. But

Speaker 1 Tard files,

Speaker 1 yeah, she was using Tardate. Tards.

Speaker 1 That is Tardgate. The Tard family is the funniest possible name.

Speaker 1 His daughter was Princess Tard. His son was Sun Tard, Rock Tard, Mommy Tard.
So this was a dad that did this?

Speaker 1 And he vlogged every day. He like vlogged like every birth.
Jesus Christ. It was, yeah, it was.
What the fuck? Where'd you hear about these guys? They're just on YouTube. They're like the most famous.

Speaker 1 They signed a thing with Disney for like $500 million.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. Disney signed the Tard family? Disney signed the Tard family.
Jesus. What the fuck? All these YouTubers get in trouble.
You see Mr. Beast, Matt? Mr.
Beast.

Speaker 1 Was it Mr. Beast or his like his right hand? It got caught pedoing.
Mr. Beast new.
The Shaytards. They're called the Shaytards.

Speaker 1 Is it like fly on retards, or is it definitely?

Speaker 1 He tried, he came out later and said it was he was a wrestler,

Speaker 1 he was a wrestler, so he said it was about his unitard. Okay, that's awesome.
Yeah, I'm saying

Speaker 1 we're retarding

Speaker 1 my

Speaker 1 unitard, the Shaytards,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's pretty

Speaker 1 the first family of YouTube, but then he got busted for sexting webcam, sexton webcam, sextard, rock tard, mommy tard.

Speaker 1 Matt's just slowly exiting out of live Jasmine right now.

Speaker 1 What a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Never mind the token noise in the background.

Speaker 1 Are you going to hit it or no? What? Are you going to hit porn or no? A fat nap? No. I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't

Speaker 1 put it this way. I don't.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not even really thinking about it that much, but I. All right, so you jerk off every day.
No, I'm dead serious. I haven't been fat.
I I fabricated

Speaker 1 500 million to Disney. Holy shit,

Speaker 1 he founded a studio with some friends and they sold it to Walt Disney for $500 million in 2014. Then he got caught whacking off, I think, in like a tent.

Speaker 1 He was in the woods, and he lost it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't think they can take it away. I don't know.
Yeah, five. The Tards got 500 million.
500 million. The Tards get 500 mil.
That's probably tokens. He was probably a token lord, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, imagine coming to the imagine coming to the cam girls with 500, of a bank of 500 milli, dude. And then one of those nasty girls fucking puts your texts out.
Yeah. It happened to Hunter, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Could be anyone.
Jerry Hunter 88. Happened to JD Vince.

Speaker 1 How'd it happen to JD Vince?

Speaker 1 What? What was he doing? He's got a

Speaker 1 an F to M transsexual friend that released 10 years of emails. Damn.

Speaker 1 Was he being sexual with you? No, just being like, I hate Trump. He's a racist.

Speaker 1 Whatever. Trump don't give a a fuck.
He doesn't say that when they're around. Tranity is.

Speaker 1 Dude, Trump pisses me off, dude.

Speaker 1 I fucking hate him.

Speaker 1 I can code switch on that with the best album.

Speaker 1 That orange fucking Cheeto, fuck him.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, true. He's such a fucking pig.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 How much money do you want to bet that your car is absolutely fine?

Speaker 1 Nothing. Okay.
Yeah, I mean. Safe neighborhood.

Speaker 1 Check your zip code right now on Zillow's.

Speaker 1 I literally parked next to a pile of stuffed animals where someone got shot. And never forget terrible neighborhoods.

Speaker 1 What's your zip code, bro? Don't say, actually, don't say our zip code. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can guess 69696. Zool's neighborhood is the most famous bad neighborhood in the country right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I should probably go get that car. I mean, it's absolutely fucking cool.
Sun's still out. I can get that car.
Yeah. Come on.
Let's raise this thing up so I can get my fucking car.

Speaker 1 uh I'm gonna check right now. You can check out the crime activity on, like, I think.
So, you're about to see one in 10 minutes when I say my car was.

Speaker 1 I mean, your car is, you know, shouldn't be there. Your car's fine, man.
They probably, they probably

Speaker 1 going, God damn. If anything, you're gonna get up.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're done. Oh, all right.
Oh, nice.

Speaker 1 It's up, dude. We can be done.
Yeah, we're done, bro. Four, 430.
All right, Matthew.

Speaker 1 You motherfuckers, you motherfuckers rule, dude. Later, Matt.

Speaker 1 Later, guys.

Speaker 1 See you soon. Bye.

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