Ep 505 - Pepsi Country (feat. Billy & Spud)

The Wild Wild West.

We start, we're in, we're live.

And we're live, dude.

What a fucking vibe.

Well, it's not live stream, but we're live.

We're currently talking in real time.

We're up right now, bro, we're live.

You're out California way.

I'm out San Jose way right now.

That's nice.

Is that south or north?

It's like north, it's technically Bay Area, but it's's i don't know san jose uh i don't want

to shit on it right before i come to your stand up here but san jose kind of sucks really shitty fucking philly bro place is a fucking shithole stop stop stop the problem is that you're high rose a shithole Oh yeah, true.

It's a third world fucking country.

Don't go there.

True.

GBA, GBA for sure.

God bless America.

Yeah.

No, it is. stop stop the problem is that you're high rose a shithole oh yeah true it's a third world fucking country don't go there true gba gba for sure god bless america yeah no san jose is fine enough it's just like there's nobody there's like barely anybody outside it's creepy i mean this is my second time here last time i was here on the super bowl it was just me and homeless people walking around now there's a couple people but like dude it's a ghost town around.
It's kind of eerie. It's Gavin

Newsom's California. True

that. That's what happened when the libs take over.

Dude, people are buying the Kamala

stuff. I think people are, uh, I think

I've never seen anything like this before in my life,

Matt, the speed of this, it's fucking

nuts. Dude, they ran a

guy, they ran a senile guy

and they got caught. Eventually they're like, all right, we have to come to terms with this and they just toss in fucking Kamala's ass.
It's crazy. She's an Indian.
She's rallying so good. Huh? She's an Indian.
Look, Bill, I don't care what race she is, alright? I really don't get to that. Yeah, I did.
I saw Trump at the Black Journalist rep. Obviously she's both.
Huh? She's black and Indian. Yeah, but Spadeade spade looked into it more bro yeah i think it's a trick like trump her dad is a marxist economist so now you're really looking at her dad you know what i mean so it's like an l for her but her dad's a marxist economist 4d chess so he's like what's his what's his stanford he's trump's playing on another level bro he kind of on fire right now.
He's above us looking down on the board. I mean, the problem is he did come down hard.
He was like, she ain't black. He basically took Biden's weapon and utilized it against us.
He might have angels' wings right now, bro. That picture of Jesus guiding his hand at the desk has become reality.
That was a real painting. I thought that was fake.
What do you mean? There's a picture of him signing something, and Jesus is, like, guiding his hand. Yeah, that was an act of God.
I've come to the full conclusion that that was an act of God. Look, him not getting shot.
Someone tried to take his ass out. I was listening to Sean Ryan and Eric Prince talk, like the Blackwater dude.
He's like, I don't, I know all the snipers and I would

not trust a single one to take that shot

and clip my ear. So all the blue and nons

that are like, dude, it was, it was fall.

It was fake. They like just hit his

ear on purpose. Like that's fucking crazy.

Obviously that's not real. They probably have

whole plans in the works for him being dead

and he's still alive. It's fucking up their whole shit.

Now they're trying to say like,

they're trying to create the assassin, but Trump's supposed to be gone. Like when they killed Bobby Kennedy they like slowly rolled out who Searhan Searhan was.
Yeah, who's Searhan Searhan again? He's a Palestinian Christian. Not that it matters.
He's the guy who shot Bobby. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I? What do you guys think about the drone and all that stuff? There's a drone circling it. And like, it was great.
You guys think about a fucking range finder and had a drone and then a ladder. And he was running around on the roof.
They were following him. Yeah.
The whole time. They watched him do it.
Every time this happens, the FBI just says that guy was on our radar. Yeah.
You know what else? You know what else fucked up state cops were there they were they doing that i don't know but they fucked up on joe joe bonnew bro i was gonna say they should they should just be in the locker rooms dude forever they should just stay in the showers man just be a praetorian guard yeah dude he's uh trump daddy's back dude it's uh i don't know man i mean i don't know if kamala is she a black journalist i watched a little i caught a little bit of it man when that lady was being the lady's being nasty to him he's like you're nasty you're 35 minutes late because you can get yourself to work dude if you watch that he's kind of killing when he's there like people are people are laughing. They're cracking up, yeah.
Yeah, dude, he kind of crushed.

He's the best thing to happen for black people,

presidential-wise, since Abe Lincoln, bro.

And I love how they challenged that, too.

What about Lyndon Johnson?

I heard someone like, what about Lyndon Johnson?

It's like, dude, you can't try to play these games with him.

Actually, Lyndon Johnson was pretty cool.

Hilarious thing, too.

They tried to come at him with, like, yo,

don't you think Vance is fucking weird? He goes, it doesn't matter who the vice president is. It never matters.
He dogged Pence too. But she's a vice president.
It's a fucking slam dunk. Oh, fuck.
That is a 40 slam dunk. How come Vance is getting hit with the weird? Because he went to fucking pride parades and shit.
He's a weirdo. No, they're doing that.
Oh, because he went to pride parades?

No, it's not.

It's the exact opposite.

Dude, they say he fucks furniture.

I heard he fucks furniture.

Yeah.

Everyone gets curious.

He was, well, hold on.

He's who among us.

Home to couch.

I'm going to say the pillows count.

He has a custom donor in their bed.

Between couch cushions, that's the juicy type.

I mean, apparently, you put a, dude,

you put a latex.

That's a juicy type.

He must have a fucking wad on you,

bro.

I'm just saying,

Matt,

you ever hit the between the cushion?

Matt,

what are you hitting in that hotel room?

Dude,

I've blessed.

I've just blasted it.

I've just blasted it.

I've never.

No, I'm just saying.

You never try to find change in the couch and thought,

bro, this is a juicy tut.

This couch can have my money, bro.

This couch can have it.

Yeah, I'm more of a morning waking up and just fucking

sleeping on my stomach and humping the bed

until I wake up.

My butter's huge.

Nah, man. When you wake up, you got a pee Yeah.
Like, Dennis and couldn't get bigger if it tried. P-boner.
Must be 15 inches. P-boner's disastrous.
For morning sex? Yeah. So, like, I actually just have to pee.
We gotta stop. The whole time, like, I've never been harder.
I have to pee so bad. She's got to pee and hit her with the Ulta load.
She'll be like, oh, fuck. It's squirting.
Oh, fuck. It's so much cold.
It's so much cold. Speed described it as movie theater butter.
It's disgusting. It's so gross.
Speed's face looks solid sometimes. Yeah, sometimes my piss is like amber.
It looks like someone mixed Jell-O in the toilet. I'm not healthy.
It's the color of your energy. Dude, Sleepy Joe was in Austin.
Fuck him. He shut down the whole city.
I was trying to get home and I couldn't for 45 minutes because they for some reason decided to spend. The dead one or the alive one? The six foot six seven.
Brittany Griner with white hair.

Dude, they shut down the whole city.

You see that fucking boxing match with the...

She's not trans.

What is that?

She's literally not trans.

Supposedly, she's a woman forever.

She just had something where her T levels were real high.

Her T levels beat the fuck out of that chick.

It's illegal to be trans in Albania, allegedly.

They said that is a chick who just fucking had a lot of T in her growing up. All right, apologies.
Sorry I even brought it up. So point of personal privilege, you grew up right.
Wait, so that wasn't a dude. Everyone's calling that person a dude.
I don't know. I think it's literally just something to make people fucking tweet about it.
Why are they doing this with the Olympics? It's outrageous and crazy. Yo, that Olympics fucking opening was fucked up.
I don't care what you say. Shit was fucked up.
It was against God. Yeah.
Yeah, what was that? What was that all about? What was that all about? It's called, they're trying to flip-flop it, dude. It's Satanism.
Yeah. It's the inversion of what's right.
You know they're worried, though. They're worried about the enhanced games.
Did you see those two dudes? Bill, that dude on Rogan. That dude was fucking zesty, too.
Bill said a guy's ball was hanging out on the fucking Olympics. Yeah.
Not allegedly. It's real.
It was, like, right next to a kid. How's that weird? It's like, it just is.
Like, that's weird. Like, somehow J.D.
Vance is weird because he drinks Diet Mountain Dew, but some dude's nuts. You just bought it in their psyop, bro.
What?

They got your ass.

They got you.

You're in the blender.

They got you, bro.

Obviously, it's weird.

Just don't fucking talk about it.

I know.

What, Diet Mountain Dew?

No, Diet Mountain Dew sucks.

I don't think Diet anything sucks.

Diet soda blows.

It is funny to be worried about your sugar intake,

but still need to do the Dew.

Like, I got to do the Dew in some way.

It's just brutally white trash

it is i think we would get that my mom has diabetes really yeah my mom's scott malkinson

she has diabetes we always had bullshit diet dude i just never drank so i would never drink

soda ever dude yeah dc is nasty people have like legitimate addictions to that

died dr peppa though your mom is it good it's not bad d DDP. DDP.
Diet Dr. Pepper.
Yeah, after a party, dude, we'd have, like, we had a refrigerator down in our basement. There'd be, like, 15 Cokes, and I would just run downstairs, crust, and then come up for dinner.
Bro, when Vanilla Coke came out? Oh, all this. Dude, I love that shit.
They had Vanilla Coke. I was going nuts on them.
Pepsi went on the dumb shit and had blue Pepsi. That shit tastes so bad.
Nah, bro. Pepsi Kona was the shit.
Yeah, and clear. Remember Crystal Clear Pepsi? Yeah.
Blew my mind. I was thrilled.
What? Are they Pepsi or Coke over there? They're Pepsi. Everything's the opposite.
It's all Powerade and Pepsi. Powerade.
Powerade's good as shit over there. Burger King, Powerade.
They got Burger Kings. Yeah, they love Burger Kings.
Yeah, that's a bad sign for a country. They don't have McDonald's, Coke, and Gatorade.
Really? It's rare. Interesting.
Dude, Pepsi country is for real. It's a sign you have like you're in a bad country.
For real? No, I'm dead serious. I mean, I believe that.
I believe that. The history of Pepsi is like a traitorous company.
They would sell Pepsi to our enemies

when we were at like World War.

Holy shit.

Yeah, Pepsi tried to like take out Coke

during the World War

because obviously Coke was like there

on the front line supporting the soldiers.

That's how we have the international Coca-Cola

like factories.

They built factories so they could supply the troops

during World War II.

Pepsi guy.

Dead.

Pepsi was over and like the Soviets

were drinking Pepsi. Everyone was like Coke.
I mean, I'm kind of a Pepsi fan. I thought the Soviets were starving to death.
I always favorite Pepsi. Yeah.
Pepsi Kona. Did the Germans have Coke? I don't know.
The Germans did not have Coca-Cola. I think they were sipping that Pepsi.
They were Pepsi boys. Yeah.
Little crazy guys. They got a little pep.
There was another shit called what the hell was it uh something sport it was like a car all sport all sport bro went hard those were so good i made weight for like the 90 a's football team at byc and then immediately crushing all sport post game pixie stick just gave you a fucking cramp oh yeah yeah pixie stick that's like that all my drool get in and just pile in and I couldn't get any out. I'd have to break it with my teeth.
Fucking insane. They gave us.
You ever snort pixie sticks? No, no, dude. I know.
I know sickos. They used to do that in grade school.
They're all dead. One lives.
Oh, by the way, excuse my excuse. My biohacking device, guys.
Don't mind this. Oh, is that the aura? That's my aura ring right now.
You're a Huberman dad, bro. I'm a Huber dad, dude.
It's wild to get into full aura ring. It's full human optimization.
I'm biohacking, bro. Monitor your bio.
At the right age of 30. Wait, man, 38.
Are you referring to my biological age of my cardiovascular system? Because if so, 31, thank you. Are you serious? Yeah, you guys can laugh all you want.
Damn, bro. You're a young one.
Damn, look at this, guys. Daytime stress plummeted when I came on with chill with you guys, dude.
Obviously. You guys just took me right down.
That's just a testament to how whacked out you were before you got on the Zoom. What the fuck? We'd be flat-lined.
Stress back up. Stress back up.
Or a ring starts to burn your finger. Actually, I had to walk back fast.
That was why. Physical stress counts, too.
Yeah, our stress levels are my flatline in Billville over here, bro. My stress is just holding in my shit.
You said your stress levels are flatlined? Oh, yeah. Just chill? Chill, Bill.
Give me the data, bro. I only trust the data.
I don't trust aura rings at all. How not? Bill's freaked out by biometrics right now.
If some dude's like, yo, your real age is 30, Bill. Keep buying the ring.
Isn't it a monthly plan? Yeah, but I'm saying, dude, they wouldn't lie. You think Aura would lie, bro.
Bill, you think Aura would lie? I think they just sell your health data to actuaries and fucking make it harder to get insurance. Damn.
Oh, shit, dude. What you talking about, bro? What's that say? Bill, I don't even go to the doctor.
Holmes. Cardiovascular capacity high.
Age, 31, seven years below. That's a screenshot.
Is this page check it out what you talking about this is another picture now I know you're just playing with me bro so do you wear it I mean being two ring guy is fucking wild i mean just keep going that's crazy dude i so i i just want i wanted to just attract my sleep because my sleep was so bad i was like i'm never wearing this during the day and as soon as they're like you want to check out your stress i was like i'm not going to see anyone for a day or two and now i just shamelessly wear it as soon as i'm talking to anyone i'm like oh by the way dude this is a little ring i'm not a two ring guy a lot of dudes go with the index finger too you're supposed to because that's they recommend your index because there's like some sort of vein or something i don't know but they say franx get like some turquoise get some malachite get some fucking gems dude i'm gonna go dude i'm gonna get blinged out dude yeah what the fuck am i doing this episode is brought to you by call of duty calling all call of duty fans verdansk is back in Call of Duty Warzone. Starting on April 3rd, you'll be able to drop back into Verdansk, experience all the chaos, and relive the thrill you've been missing.
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I was talking to Marcus King, and I was like, bro, I'm not a two-ring guy. He's all ringed up.
I'm like, bro, what the fuck? Yeah, I need I have I don't have enough fucking ranks right now true he is a rock star though yeah I would look like a decomposing corpse if I put on rings my fingers are so fat it should be disgusting looking like a like a body like a river body yeah it would just be fucking disgusting looking I look like a merchant or something you would look powerful dude you put some rubies on your hands your jewelry man yeah i just have a necklace that's it multiple chains two yes yeah two

chain you're two chain you used to be three chains i've seen a lot of chains yeah what

happened in the third chain well why don't you wear it anymore i don't want to snatch that off

he goes into full defense mode yeah it's two it's two two sides like match right there

loves to dish it two fronts i. It's happened to great men before.
That's very nice. You have a very expensive mood ring.
Don't attack me, bro. I won't.
Bro, if I'm restoring you, I'm literally... Don't put the fucking red glasses on with that.
that's that would be nice yes dude oh my god dude i'm fucking restored right now if my stress goes up i'm gonna fucking i might have to log off for 15 minutes and get myself like a five minute body scan dude if you get if you get that if you get that camera's still on yeah why you should check it so it looks like it's not red it's not what's not red camera camera it would have shut off here no i know i'm just trying to get mad stress oh dang stressing bro we're recording on zoom we're recording video on zoom right now now you got me freaked out but it will say it right yeah we'll go off okay yeah that camera's on dude yeah you guys you guys are coming at i mean dude i out in the field, that thing shuts down. It happens all the time.
Spade was over fucking eating. Yeah, what are we doing not talking about Spud in Egypt? Oh, yeah, what the fuck? Before that, I went to Rome to go visit the First Reich.
Alright. I already regretted my great pantheon.
I went to... I was in line of the pantheon well do you mean first rike is in what does that mean like napoleon no i think it means the holy roman yeah the holy roman yeah but the good rike or the roman right oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i guess maybe i have no idea dude i was looking at that stuff i tried i'm like really dumb i'm real dumb and can't like understand other languages so i bought a ticket to go in the pantheon and then i stood in the line to buy a ticket to go in you know standing behind this dude and like he sounded just like the furor i like turned around i was like yo this guy must be from the same place as adolph and he's like five nine 150 pounds and he's like going off on his girlfriend he's going off on his girlfriend and like the two of them are talking some aggressive language and i was just like holy this guy's a loser drinking a pepsi no i saw him and i was like dude this must have been so brutal for this guy to control a whole pack of people.

Yeah.

You got a little taste of Hitler.

Yeah.

I saw it and I was like, whoa.

And you said, this is not for me.

It's not for me.

You're like, you know what?

I don't like this.

I didn't realize how annoying this guy's voice was. Oh, the voice is so annoying.

Yeah.

If you're behind him in line for the Pantheon in the heat, it's rough. Germany Rome in the dead of fucking summer.
Like a beast. There was these busting out pushups in the street.
Oh, yeah, really? The fucking architecture. There is a beauty.
Matt, did you know that the Jews built the Coliseum? I didn't know that, actually, but do you know that almost every famous

magician is Jewish as well?

Let me hit you with another cool

Jew fact.

Yeah, apparently all the great magicians are Jewish.

I got a good Jew fact that's been making me laugh.

There's a community put out a special

about being Jewish, about

anti-Semitism from the right, and he

put it out right before

the attack. Are you serious?

He was like, yeah, the right wing hates Jewish

people, and then that happened. It's like,

Thank you. like anti-Semitism from the right.
And he put it out right before the attack. Are you serious? He was like, yeah, the right wing hates Jewish people.
And then that happened. It's like, you sure about that? You sure that's the side that's anti-Semitic? Oh, man appealing fucking Mario Kart.
Dude, did you see that shit? They just killed that guy from Hamas? Like the missile was like a remote control that like connected to his phone.

Well, dude, like went the missile, like allegedly who the fuck knows, but this is like some crazy American shit where a missile went down the street and then up into a room, like

up a building and then into a room and blew him up.

That's what they said.

Like the, who was this?

Who was this?

Yeah.

What was his name?

Wile E. Coyote.
This is what they're saying, bro. You got blown up by TNT.
Goddamn Acme Incorporated, dude. Fucked his ass up.
And he was a Palestinian man? I don't know. That would suck.
Some Hamas guy in Iran. It's like people think you're exaggerating about how bad it is and a fucking missile goes through your hallway yeah my life swore kind of

sucks honestly a missile bitch it hit his phone tired of this it went it was tracking his phone like how is that something like that like they tracked him down to like a man to a man like a missile to a man damn he was just confirming his age on the hub dude yeah i'm saying gave the We just need this for 24 hours.

He took his passport out to get into the hub.

Took a picture of it.

It's just a lock on.

It's a lock on tomahawk fuck hot did you ever try to with like middle eastern hub did you ever fuck with middle eastern hub negative brother well it's it's weird bro yeah if you try to hit like pakistani hub if you try to hit like pakistani hub it's like. Yeah, it's all like fucking 720p grainy shit.
Yeah, no AC. What? You're talking about...
All right. Just like trying to spy in on like some...
Yeah, just seeing like what's good over there. How is it going? Just like sweaty flat butts.
It's just sweaty flat butts. Hey, what? What's wrong with that? I had one of those all day.
It's hot as shit. It's fucking hot as fuck.
I had a sweaty flat butt all day. You might get tackled in.
Better stay out of there, bro. I'm not going there.
I'm plump, too. They would fucking get older.
I told Spade to wear the full, like, fucking thing. Just be an Arab woman, walk around the streets.
You could have done it to get into the Vatican. I couldn't.
I couldn't. I couldn't camera right in the middle.
You might have been tackled, though, if you did that. Yeah.
You can't be hiding stuff under that. Yeah, so you went to Rome.
So Rome to Egypt. What was the transfer? How was that in terms of like country to country I was brutal I want on some dude fucking had a medical emergency on the plane so I was on the I was on the tarmac trying to get on a plane like so I was trying to get on Egypt air which is like an Arab air country or an air company so the Romans were like already salty about this but some dude was passed out on the plane and he had to get stretchered out.
So I spent like two hours on the tarmac and like a hundred degree heat with a bunch of, with like half Italian, half Arab. So it was rugged.
There's a big culture of different. They're not, they not like us, man.
They don't like shorts. They got problems with Americans.
They hate us for our freedoms. Why do they keep you on the tarmac? Because they had to cut the seatbelts and they had to get the dude out of the plane.
Did you ever figure out what happened? Why don't they let you go back inside? Yeah, no, they just kept us on a bus. They let a bunch of little kids run up the fucking steps and uh go

piss in the plane it was up parents were flipping out there's a bunch of masked up people too they were losing their minds yo me matt michael valentine smith dude chill not don't get a dude the ride ate the whole thing disgusting what he that's right yeah Killed, raw dogged it, didn't move.

12 hours.

Didn't shed her piss for 12 hours hours but also a couple hours before it and then a couple hours after wait why why wouldn't you piss he's a perfect i didn't move i think it's a it's a perversion i didn't move bro what do you mean i just rolled out my chair no headphones i didn't move nothing yeah you did no headphones for 12 hours i just sat there it's a pervert and this little kid this little kid behind me was kicking my fucking chair well i would have had headphones but i didn't bring my beats i definitely would that wasn't on purpose i was fucking i thought you were trying to ride headphones no i bought these bullshit um bluetooth things called hypergear sport too and they hurt they don't fit right they you know not not he always thinks he's getting a deal i'm trying to get deals there is known companies that will have a fucking headphone that's great every fucking time so you sat on a 12-hour flight from egypt yeah america's silent like I drank three waters. Dude, they

give you little ass waters. You drink three

waters in 12 hours?

He doesn't drink water. It's fucking weird.

It's crazy.

How did you like the raw dog?

And then he felt like shit for like three days.

I'm stupid, Matt. I'm just

coming out of it now.

Obviously, I don't know how to take care of myself.

Yeah, but you're like a Tamagotchi dude.

If you're not there, it just sits.

Things on the set, you got to water it.

What kind of like, did you enter any like reverie or like flights of fancy?

Like, or is it just quiet?

I would just go, I'm breathing.

Sweet.

Shit like that.

You want a ventilator move?

Yeah, just going to keep breathing.

It's a good move. Yeah, sleep escaped me.
Bill, you're going to be in the check. I don't know.
I'm fucking sitting here. What? I'm going to be the what? That is a good valid question.
It's like, why does my brain need anything right now? And you can just veg out, go into organism. You know, maybe I fucking just sat, thought about shit.
Who the fuck knows, dude? There's not a lot going on up here, man.

Sometimes he just likes to shut it all down.

True.

I did ride a camel. I went to Egypt, rode a camel

twice. Named Bob Marley.

His name is Bob Marley.

Met a chill-ass dude with a wife in L.A.

Dude's afraid to go to L.A. because it's too cold.

Lives in Egypt. Hilarious.

What? L.A.'s hot as fuck, bro.

There's also a ton of trash around

the fucking pyramids. Yeah, a ton of coke

Thank you. Dude's afraid to go to L.A.
because it's too cold. Lives in Egypt.
Hilarious. What? L.A.'s hot as fuck, bro.
There's also a ton of trash around the fucking pyramids. Yeah, a ton of, like, Coke bottles and stuff.
Pepsi bottles, my bad. They're probably just showing off of those Coke bottles.
Nah, dude, we're chilling. Yeah, I didn't know their fucking pyramids were just covered with trash.
Yeah, there's a city right outside of them. That kind of blew my mind.
There's just, like, a bustling in the other side of them. Yeah, isn't there a Burbanking right there? Yeah.

It's like the pyramids.

The rest of it is just

a litter box

for camels and dogs.

These were built by the Adenaki.

And they'll fly away just fucking

Burbanking.

You want to hear a sick fucking fact about

Taco Bell? You know how everyone's like, oh, that's dog food or whatever? Like the old fucking thing about that? Allegedly, it's just end-of-life cows, and that's how they get the deals, and that's where they get their meat. That's not good.
You know. You don't want to eat old people? Yeah.
No, not at all. It could be the nicest thing you do.
I don't even eat old fruit because it reminds me of old people.

I go, ew.

I throw it out.

I haven't crushed a Cheesy Gordita Crunch in a long time,

and I long for them.

They're fucking good.

Yeah, shit.

They're awesome.

Taco Bell's very good.

Except that night.

They're made with disdain.

Yeah.

That night.

Complete disdain.

I ordered Taco Bell two weeks ago, and it was wet.

It took seven hours to get there. gets there it was soaked what time was i got drenched bell dude for no reason there's no reason for the bell to be wet yeah there's nothing that gets me more angry than door dash just keeps going sorry we're running behind and it's hours they all taste your food too they just came out of an article about it what yeah they kind of made cutie thing like, oh, you know, like fucking 80% of the people that do DoorDash like to just do a little taste.
They eat your food. I got my kitchen now, so I'm just cooking up.
I got a good old people story that was making me laugh. There was a lady that donated her body to science, and NASA used her, and they put her in a rocket.
Her corpse launched into space. What? It? She's on like a live feed and the kids saw it.
Dude, Marina Abramovich asked for this. And they saw a dead body get launched.
Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, and I think it exploded, which is sick.
She turned into stardust. Yeah.
Which they were upset. The family was upset.
I was like, that'd be kind of the coolest way to go. It's how you return to God.
Yeah, like a first-class flight back to the fucking maker. Yeah, smash into the firmament.
True. You get to exit this fucking fallen world once and for all.
Yeah, I'm not too fucking happy right now, honestly. Why? What's going on, Bill? You're on top of the world, dude.
You're the king. I'm just saying there's too much.
You have children. There's too much dumb shit going on.
You have fur babies. Stevie and Reggie but I'm just saying I feel bad bringing Stevie and Reggie into this world.
Yeah, they were brought into this world. Reggie Miller, Stevie Nicks.
Greatest dogs ever. What's got your goat right now? All this.
I know something's coming down the line where they're going to do some sort of shooting or some other thing's going to happen. They just killed a crazy lady with a pot of water.
Yeah, I'm not too familiar with that case. The one with the water, I don't know about that.
I actually don't. Yeah, neither does Trump.
He's at the same thing. I have no idea what the fuck that is.
Yeah, they're going to start ramping up the police brutality. That's coming.
I saw a video today of a guy with like five cops on him. They're coming out.
It was chill for a while now, you know. Well, it's, yeah, they're going to, of course, they're going to use it.
It's like Goldilocks. It's Kamala versus Trump.
They're going to use racism and sexism. Yeah.
Yeah. But, you know.
Well, dude, that's the thing, too. It's like, I was watching, I think, Dana White.
I think Dana White. Yeah, it is.
It's coming. It's was on.
What are we going to do? Well, dude, they're like, did you see that shit? What? White dudes for Harris shit? No, that's not real. Yeah, it's real.
They went on a Zoom call. They're like, yeah.
Matt was right now. Yeah, they're all yes.
Yes, bro. Fucking David Hogg's in it.
Who's David Hogg? He's from one of the shootings. Who's a Parkland shooting? Oh, he's white.
It's called White Guys for Harris. They don't call themselves white dudes.
Because they had the big Lebowski kick it off. Like, I'm a dude.
I'm white. I'm a dude.
Very weird. How much money would it take for you to sit down on the Zoom? Because I'm trying to figure out how the fuck these dudes wind up doing this.
what's the minimum it would take for you to sit down on the zoom because i'm trying to figure out how the these dudes wind up doing this what's the minimum it would take for you to sit down with the thing around you on zoom and talk about how much you like whatever president for 15 minutes i don't know i have no idea i think it has to be a you have the rap sheet on you. Yeah, Megan Thee Stallion.
What's that?

They got Megan Thee Stallion, I think.

That was a powerful performance.

Saying it, some kind of DNC thing.

That was the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life.

They were bragging about that on the end.

NCAA is out.

Obviously.

I haven't watched anything.

I've literally been.

Don't ask.

I've been gaming.

I'm the offensive coordinator in South Florida. Really? Talking to me me with a little respect super weapons is doing Texas A&M offensive coordinator at South Florida really go Bulls can you like create your person yes do you scan your face no oh man that would fucking no I just find a guy that looks like my Puerto Rican friend.

He's a coach.

He's a wild, wild west.

Ah, shit.

Whatever.

His email's getting edit.

But yeah, that's been big for me.

I don't know if you guys want to chat NCAA.

I chat NCAA.

That's good.

I suck dick.

That's good.

When we play Madden, I just completely lost my mind. I have to keep starting over.
Why? I did a dynasty with Notre Dame, and I won the title. No, you didn't.
Pretty quickly. So are you not happy with the result of the first? I don't want it to be like that.
I want to work. You can start over.
This is about hard work. So South Florida.
It's a small feat with Notre Dame, though. though notre dame's pretty good bill are they really yeah they're 90 overall man come on you know what they do every year though you love them so much and they let you down yeah all of our favorite teams do it why not us why not us just once yeah just one i've left i've left like two games in the last few years saying that drunkenly actually actually going, just like, why can't we get one? Yes.
Actually, both Ohio State games. That was tough.
I saw the end of that one last year. That hurt.
That was crazy, man. I couldn't believe how hurt I was.
And you were there. Yeah.
Were you at the goal line stand or whatever it was? Yeah. Yeah.
It was the most painful. What are you going to do? guys no i still know what i mean like it sucks to college kids like i still support the boys you don't know how much this means to me he's a 35 year old supporter exactly what the are you losing that for it's a going stand no i drunkenly walked out of stadium more angry than i ever anticipated and ohio state when we went to ohio state no name lost i was like walking down the street be like yeah whatever fucking losers you go to fucking oh god never went to either school it was as embarrassing as i guess westchester alum coming out whatever your campus sucks go around ohio, whatever.
Your campus sucks. Go Rams.
Ohio blows. It does.
I drove through Ohio. That fucking state sucks to drive through.
Ohio? At night? It does suck to drive through, but it's a good state. I mean, I respect Ohio residents.
You got to respect Ohio residents. If you're an Ohio resident, I fucking respect you.
But that was a tough drive. I was shocked by, was it Wisconsin? What was that one when it was all fucking? Wisconsin, yeah.
That was crazy how beautiful that was. Yeah.
Wisconsin and Minnesota, they get a little, yeah. There was no, the corn wasn't, it's knee high by July, so we got through a little early, so it wasn't just all corn fields that we couldn't fucking see.
So it was honestly pretty good, and the res smelled good as shit. Res smelled like vanilla.
Really? Yeah. You looked it up.
It was like some clover. Yeah, there's some clover they got that just smells of maize balls.
Really? Maze balls. I heard Idaho.
Idaho is apparently beautiful as well. Dude, Ferris was just out in fucking Yellowstone when that shit erupted.
Yeah, dude. One of his boys watched too much Yellowstone and lost his damn mind, bought a ranch out there, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you serious? Oh, yeah.
He's got cows and shit now. He's got a whole cow ranch.
What a fucking mistake that is. No, it's coming for everybody, man.
You can get bit by the Yellowstone bug. I understand moving there, but being like, I'm going to be a ranch hand.
That's crazy. I'm going to get a fucking cow.
Yeah, hopefully. I'm wishing him many cows, dude.
I'm wishing his many oxen to be strong. I would like to see Stevie Nicks and Reggie Miller.
Yeah, bring those guys out. Those sickies.
Spud, you might be the most interesting man in the world right now. Yeah, right.
What are the babes like in egypt just curious oh yeah so they're pretty beat but i heard that all the rich ones i heard all the rich ones are like you know sequestered in art shows and like high class things i'm like walking around with the regular people i got like almost arrested for videotaping a chick. She thought I was all, I was being weird.

I was being weird. Yeah, you're you're not.

No, I was just videotaping. I was trying to get a sunset

in a courtyard. They have all these Egyptian

cops, dude. I don't think they're cops.

I think they're actually terrorists

and that they are like lined

up. Like, I think that this is like

another fucking

what was that square? Tehran square or whatever. Like, I think they're just gearing up for another one of them air springs really this guy had no he was dude he took my phone look at him little ewoks oh yes yeah but matt the guy took my phone and deleted my footage what the damn that's a good boy look at him man which one's it that's stevie this is stevie nicks yeah yeah dude you don't see the liberal press putting that video out of you getting attacked by that Egyptian cop anywhere check being like why is you following me I'm not following you're 60 I'm just getting the sunset yeah you're beat you should be like you're too beat to film yeah she was beat yeah she said you're a four bitch so are they i said what she's saying what she's saying she's like i'm not talking to you i'm talking to him like i was like now now she knows english yeah something that's some bullshit so what were they like were they like stout work horses are they like skinny ladies like what's going on well a lot of them are burked up, but then the other ones are mostly workhorses.
Oh, true. Yeah, they're burka girls.
Burks are like just the hood, you know, just the hat part. Oh, okay.
What's the full thing called? Burka? Trash bag. No.
You're saying burka's just a hat. Yeah.
That's what you just said. No, no no I'm just saying like there's a lot of them are just the headscarf but then there's also the Burke's I don't know what just the headscarf is I didn't learn a lot because nobody nobody fucking talked to me because a lot of them are just fucking kind of dickheads walking around.
They don't want to fuck with me at all. Really?

Yeah. You probably

remind them of Ramsey's, dude.

Bro, I get

this in America.

He treated like shit? That sucks.

That's like Billy was like fucking...

Yeah, Bill was like, oh, dude, Kurt Kaz

does this. He's like, yeah, I'm not Kurt Kaz.

I'm not some fucking German chat

walking around the world. South African.
Yeah, whatever. Southan and german actually yeah that happened to me when i my boy went to germany first he was like dude europeans love americans get ready when i was going to spain i was like sick no one it's called the halo effect good-looking people can go wherever the they want yeah i was like dude if i spoke spanish you guys would think i was cool and funny no but without talking people thought i was mentally told you they're good fucking hounds bro these i'm they're great out they just never listen chill they just chill that hard it's literally just sitting on my lap It's great That's awesome He loves a nice chill sesh This is like when you look at him And you're like that's a pet Yeah You know what I mean Like Matt met my dog My dog was like a pain in the ass Yeah This is a pet Ooh Yeah this is just Nothing but enjoying Never say hello Don't let him piss He's going to say hello You know we can't bond like this Stevie do not piss on piss on the love sack.
Yeah, lay down, brother.

They don't piss that much, though, right?

It was all done.

Chloe fucking pissed in our closet the other day.

Your daughter?

Yeah, she just went into our closet and squatted down

behind all of Brittany's clothes and just pissed everywhere.

Man, when I was a kid, I used to piss in people's basements.

I used to piss all over the place, bro.

I actually got kicked out of some lady's house for good because i was pissing with her daughter it was weird i'm still stuck on that's normal raw dog in a flight from egypt to yeah i don't think we're giving this enough he's built no it's well they didn't have headphones they they dude the plane egypt air i'm not knocking it but it's like taking a time portal. You can watch the Egypt Air safety instruction video.
It's fucking hilarious. The plane's from the fucking early 2000s or late 90s.
So it's a whole other world. That's unmatched on comfort.
I sat in like a Chinatown bus. That's what the same fabric is on the seats.
It's the same seats. Fuck.
Yeah. I got on the plane and I was like, I made a big mistake.
What were the names of the headphones you had? I didn't have headphones. Oh, no.
I had Hypergear Sport 2. The person who made them probably jumped after making them.
Hypergear Sport 2. This is what I was afraid of, Bill.
What? You being a fucking weirdo with two dogs. They're my friends.
There's fur babies. I can't let them piss in my fucking head.
They're so cute. They're so, dude, those things are awesome.
It's fucked up. Reggie's so chill.
God, I'd love to see a hedgehog. They're like hedgehogs when they lay like that.
They don't look fucking real. One looks like Rocket from fucking Guardians.
They're going to lose their puppy hair, though, and then they're going to look like little rats, and then they're going to get their regular hair. Yeah, they get their fucking adult coat.
Oh, really? Yeah, Shane, can you believe it? One of them costs more than me. For adoption.
One of them costs more than me, with inflation i feel like personally matt i feel like i've earned more money like than this thing will earn yeah like i earned my place but yeah for sure out the gate equal yeah although billy can start up a cute stagram if you start up a cute stagram he's definitely bigger than him do that i need to see you shirtless with those boys laying on the ground unimpressive i'd love to see it weird i would pay for it yeah actually how much money how much money would it cost you to start a tickle you can just start one of just them did you start one of just them then you can do like a. Goatsy? What? I'm not like the asshole that's getting there.
Relax. You're in a hotel room.
You're feeling devious. I get it.
But not in front of the door. I'm fucking wild.
Not in front of Stevie. My bad.
Not in front of Stevie and Reggie. You beat off already.
How long have you been in here? How long have you been in here? I just got here. Show that chart again.
I just fucking got here, bro. There was a dip before the dip with us.
Nothing more shameful than the Apple Watch. Let the record state that I have text record.
I just got. The room was just available for me.
But I'll show you my dip again. I mean, maybe we'll see how I've been reacting to this whole.
It's smart to keep it on the left. Yeah.
Yo, you guys all fucking stressed the fuck out, dude. No, I'm just engaged.
I'm just engaged right now. It's no big deal.
Did you have to get little dogs because you're scared because you're dog-billed? No, no, nothing like that. We already talked about this last week.
Wait, why are you dog-billed? Saw a fucking chick bang a dog when I was in sixth grade. Oh, fuck, what the hell? Oh, fuck.
Ew. Nah, Reggie would never pipe my girlfriend.
Reggie might pipe. Reggie's penis is wee, bro.
He's got a nub, dude. It's like an Audi belly button.
It's only going to get bigger. It's only going to get bigger.
It's only up from here. It might get fat, too.
He could have a wad on him. I mean, Matt has Jax.
Jax's dick is huge. Yeah.
Jax's a deviant. He's, like, sucking Zeus' dick and shit.
Yeah, but Jax's own dick is, like, a human dick. Yeah, dude.
I actually thought about that, Andrew. I was like, dude, your dog might have blew out my dog's ACL.
It might have weakened it. Zeus would, like, ruthlessly hump him.
For a second, I'm like, damn, dude, Zeus definitely blew out Jackson's knee. At least like fucked it up a little bit.
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Also, I will be in San Jose. It might be too late by the time you see this, but I'll be there this weekend, August 1st through 3rd, the San Jose Improv.
Please come to that. And a couple big ones, Tyson's Hall in Virginia.
I'm going to need people to come out there. Pretty pleased.
It's a big old theater. And also a town hall in New York city.
Go to that. I'll be in a bunch of other places.
Go to mattmccusker.com slash dates. Also Shane M.
Gillis.com. Click on the live link for all of his tickets.
He'll be all over the place. Check out Sean Gardini, LaMarily, and all the other motherfuckers you even think about.
Just go have fun, dude. Do your fucking thing, dude.
All right? Love you guys. This episode is brought to you by Max.
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Not available in all states. Dude, released a turtle yesterday.
What do you mean? It was... Me and Maya found a turtle.
Dude, for real, it was like this big. A little water turtle.
Damn. I bought it home for a couple days, and dude, turtles are disgusting, by the way.
Yeah, they are. I would come out the next day dude they take the they take the biggest shits like all the food all the food i would throw into its tank it would just turn into just like crap it was disgusting after like three days i was like what was the name uh rainbow slow bug yeah you never told me that so when you texted me we just released rainbow slow bug i was like dude that must be an autocorrect poor matt's out of his fucking mind i thought i told you we had a turtle i thought i told you we had a turtle you know i never knew it was rainbow yeah rainbow that was my i gave my two seconds i was like what's what's uh what do you want to name them dude literally rainbow slow bug and i was like wow that's it's actually a great that's a pretty.
I had to name your next special. I might, dude.
Take all the thought out of it. I mean, that's a good one.
I might just do Rainbow Slowbug. Yeah, I would take that.
Rainbow Slowbug's nice. We released him.
It was like out of an animal movie. We put him in the thing.
He was so happy. He ran into the...
It's like a little rocky waterfall-looking thing. Jumped off that into the water.
Or kind of fell off really. Went under the water like, damn, that's just it.
He's gone. Dude, like a minute later, pops his head back up right near us just looking at us.
I'm like, man, this is the best thing ever. Matt, did you watch the Boy in the Heron? What's that? Oh, dude.
What you're talking about just reminds me of the fucking Boy in the Heron cartoon Billy made me watch. it's a good anime house Steins Gate dude if you're watching anime please watch Steins Gate I tried to turn him on to yeah he didn't like it that's about it shit dude right now I've been I've forced my kids to watch Pokemon with me from the beginning so good Pokemon.
That's pretty exciting. Pokemon.
Oh, yeah, they love it. Thank God.
It's so good. Dude, I'm on like episode nine right now.
It is kind of fucked up, though. They're just like finding animals and make them fight each other.
They have to beat the shit out of an animal, and then you get to capture it and just make it fight other animals. And, dude, the dude, remember Brock? Yeah.
Brock punches misty in the head twice different culture dude for real yeah it's fine dude yeah he fucking smacks the shit out of misty in like the seventh episode twice just bops her on the head for talking shit i was like all right i lost my voice when i got a holographic charizard that the 7-Eleven on 202 and Fed brought me there. Dude, they had them just sitting there at the front.
You could roll in and grab one. I grabbed one.
Got a holographic Charizard. Lost my fucking mind.
You saw it? It's probably worth something if you had it. Bro, it's gone now.
What happened to it? I have no idea. Shit.
It's probably gone with my King ofey Jr. rookie card.
You had one? Yeah, dude. I got like the whole year.
Go ahead. No, I just got a whole year's worth of baseball cards one time for Christmas.
And I remember Tom was like, yo, that's Ken Griffey Jr.'s rookie year. Found it.
Put it in the hard case, but I couldn't help it, dude. I had to take it out of the hard case.
You got to take it out. Just fondle.
I would just fondle the car. I would just fondle the car.
Get your grease all over. Fondle.
Bend the shit out of every corner. Every corner.
We got to put it right back in afterwards, but I'm going to take it out of this car. It's in mint.
Right now it's mint, and I got to pop it out. Like 10 people hold it.
Get all fucked up. Have you seen those magazines that had what they're worth?

Oh, I was on that.

Yeah.

Mickey Mantle rookie card.

The Beckett.

Yeah.

Which one's Beckett?

I think that was the name of the magazine.

It was the magazine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mickey Mantle rookie card.

Jordan rookie card were fucking high dollar items.

What do they go for now?

Because there are guys.

They're expensive as fuck.

I thought people stopped watching. They had a resurgence.
They had some weird like right around COVID they had their weird resurgence oh you I remember thinking like I had cards and I had the ones that just slipped in and I went to some dude's house and he had the one with screws and I was like what the bro oh the ones where you can close it completely like it, close with the screws, yeah. Were you a cart?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I had some cart.

Anything worth anything?

Let's talk about it off camera.

Come on, what do you have?

I don't have anything.

Cal Ripken rookie card?

I definitely had some Ripken's.

That was my era.

Yeah, it sucked when we had them

because it came out those stupid-ass jersey cards.

This was in-game worn jersey by LeBron James. That wasames that was all at boost corners which you can't go to anymore that guy why can't you go to boost corners oh there's a pedo pedophile there's a pedo boost corner we heard of here first yeah some dude at boost corners a place down near near my parents like it was like a shoe place or some shit this dude brought his daughter and the guy who runs it grabbed the grabbed the girl's fucking pigtails.
And, oh, look, they're handlebars. And the guy was just like, what the fuck, dude? And I think he said it was a big misunderstanding.
But, I mean, that's a mess. That's a huge mess.
If he wasn't legitimately kidding. He was like, yeah, they are like handlebars, aren't they? Or you're a complete pedophile.
Or if you're just thinking like a bike, like bike handlebars. Yeah, exactly.
Maybe he missed. Yeah.
He might have missed. I like to look for the good in people.
Hopefully that was just a mess. That's what I told Tom.
I was like, dude, it might just be the fucking dude that was making a bike check. Yeah, true.
Yeah, do you really think some dude would grab someone's daughters and be like, yo, I could grip these and just fuck. It's like, there's no way.
It kind of makes me think the Facebook mom's a little too horny.

What?

It kind of makes me think the mom might be a little too horny.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

You think a guy really fucking would do that?

I don't know.

I heard he's weird with measuring feet.

Oh, really?

What do you mean?

What's he doing with feet?

I just heard he's weird about it.

He got to measure the feet.

Well, he's selling the fucking shoes. This is the same guy? Yeah.
Are we sure he's not kind of just a little slow? Yeah, he might just be a slow. That's what I'm saying.
He might be a slow shoe guy. He's a normal dude.
Every reputable shoe salesman. Are you talking about stepping on that shoe chart thing? Yeah.
That's normal, bro. I hear you.
I'm not trying to find this shit in the weeds, dude. There's dudes out there.
What's the guy's name? I was asking you to try to get him on the cast. The guy that got the fucking.
Oh, did you see that guy? Rose, Alex Rosen. Hold on.
This guy fucking just killed himself because they caught him on a telegram with infant porn. Yeah, they went up.
Infants, man. They interviewed the dude.
Alex Rosen interviews the guy. And he's like, dude, like what's going on going on he's like yeah it's just like mainly like like people coming on kids like babies and then they say he walks in the house and five minutes later lead bullet cops have to break the door and go get him he hit him with the i'm surprised it's not everything with the metro i don't go yeah i'm surprised it's not every one of those dudes get caught on youtube like Like, you're trying to meet a 13-year-old girl.
You told her to put a hairbrush up her vagina? Every single one of those dudes, the fact that they're alive knows my fucking mind. And when they argue, it's nuts, dude.
Yeah, they're like, exactly. So what the fuck are you talking to me for? Every time.
I didn't know she was fucking 13. Oh, yeah.
Try to run through a fucking Walmart. Well, that dude, he must have been a football player.
He's humongous. He's humongous.
Yeah, he's a fucking beast. Dude, that would be a good, whatchamacallit, like prank, like a punk show where you just find somebody in a Walmart and you're like, yo, you were talking to a 13-year-old girl and you just chase them around the store.
No, man. And at the end, you're catching them.
You're like, yo, here's $500. Just a prank.
You're definitely not a pedophile. Dude, I got in a pop squad.

Shove them around.

Shove them around the store.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I saw a dude that they wrongly accused of this,

and he had just gotten out of jail, and he was like,

what are you saying to me?

And, like, they tracked the wrong phone.

He was just close to the guy they were trying to find in Walmart, dude.

It doesn't go well.

That's not a good prank.

That's all I'm saying.

I would try to find, like, two of the biggest guys. I would get two huge armed men that would just hold you at gunpoint be like you're trying to fuck kids

This guy's a fuck yes. Yeah, now

The guy that made Space Jam they got his ass. Yep.
I've seen that

Of course

The guy that made the guy then paid space jam was trying to eat what do you take a 15 year old out for pizza?

Yeah, some while where I just like took this girl for pizza. Yeah, it was something wild where he just took this girl out for pizza.
He's like, yeah, what are you doing here? He's like, that's eating pizza. What do you mean? Just out eating pizza.
Yeah, they fucked him up. Vitaly? You know Vitaly? No.
He's like, it was Vitaly and the bodybuilder podcaster dude, Bradley Martin, fucking sat down next to him. He's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, just eating pizza.
What the fuck does it look like? It's in the middle of the restaurant. I would have like a fucking, what's that movie I just fucked up? It's not I Am Sam.
It's the other one. Rain Man.
Rain Man freak out. If you bust me at that, I'd just start smacking my face.
I would claim insanity immediately. Raymond doesn't bathtub.
Yeah. Wapner.
Wapner's on. Yeah.
He wasn't, he wasn't like surprised. He was like, what do you, he was kind of just like, it was like a disturbance to him.
Yeah. What do you like? If I came up and you were talking to like a hot chick at the bar, I was like, yo Matt, like how's your girlfriend? Like, it was like that kind of face where it's like, yeah, dude, you're kind of blowing up my smile right now.
I have a fucking super hot 15-year-old next year. You're going to kill yourself.
Hit him with the Indian guys to catch a predator. What? When they're just like, what are you doing? And they're like, what the fuck does it look like? Clearly trying to get a girl.
I'm about to have sex. Get the fuck out of here.
They don't know the rules. Obviously.
That is kind of fucked up for Indians. The indians they just come over here and some chicks like fucking completely legal in their country let's go dude fuck jackpot yeah yeah fuck me i watched uh speaking of killing yourself i watch do you ever see that bernie madoff movie they made with de niro yeah it's great i watch it it's great but uh there's a part where bernie madoff and his wife try to kill themselves because like they're gonna go they're gonna they take a ton of ambien and all he does is hallucinate he doesn't kill himself he just would you die from ambien i probably i think he took enough yeah but he took he they they must have taken like two these idiots they're like well we had a good life just real groggy he just has a hallucination where he's talking to his sons they show they show the real footage they're not the real footage obviously they show not in his hallucination it's just a guy sitting on a couch like i love you guys de niro is great but he just does that weird in trump there's.
There's fucking political stuff. Yeah.
Trump thinks he's a tough guy. I'll fucking punch him.
You'll get hurt if you get an altercation with anybody. Pretty sure you think you're a tough guy.
You're like victim number one in the knockout game. Biden hit Trump with the tough guy talk, too.
Biden tried to hit Trump with a kicker behind the woodshed. Please, stop.
Kick your ass. That was jet lag.
Dude, he tried to play that golf shit on Trump. I watched Trump capsca it was a rap code de chambeau who was de chambeau's good holy trump's good at golf bro that was the oldest i've seen him look though that was of course he's old but when you see him in that damn this guy's geez yeah but then he launches he launches the ball same drive as bill yeah's fucking absurd, dude.
Yeah, Bill just got a lesson, got up to 280. No, 265 or what was it? Like 265, I think.
It was my longest one. I would like to know who's Trump's, whoever decided to put him in the Atlanta Black Women's Journalist Convention.
He went. Well, dude, think about that when he said she was supposed to be there.
Oh, really? Yeah. You're talking about.
Yeah really talking about let's go no the one where he's talking about her being indian yeah that's it no that was chicago wasn't it i thought it was chicago yeah no no no it was the thing megan the stallion concert that people stayed afterwards she was supposed to be there i told bill this we were driving obviously me and bill watched it live we were driving and it was like they said that uh she was supposed to be there then they were late and I think they were trying to get Trump to walk out on it and then Trump walked out on them you know what I mean yeah it's kind of damned if you do it because if he turned it down they'd be like he won't even come talk to us he had to do it he had to go do it and dude I'm telling you I only saw a little bit of public anything yeah but if you turn down the association of black journalists they'll spin that and be like he refused yeah he did last time oh he didn't do it last time no and then he went this time because kamal was supposed to come and then kamal i think he went because he talked to that one chick the day he got shot yeah he did the one uh girl interviewing him dude the best in the rnc his last his first uh thing in the rnc he's like this is the only time i'm going to talk about it yeah he's in harrisburg last night he goes that guy was there when i got shot too this is the way he put the teleprompter on brought her off three times remember when he was like i'm gonna marry that teleprompter yeah yeah did you see when he was that's my favorite part dude dude. to thank hulk hogan he killed it tonight dana white he was on vacation i'm not even gonna tell you where he was it was sick baron we love baron everybody loves we love a good boy he's a tall boy he's a tall boy i'm like to face my eyes on that boy they tried to hit him with he was a weirdo in high school it's like bro yeah obviously he's weird as he's 70 tall yeah that's that's donald trump how's he gonna relate to you please bro it's the same it's the same pr that was against me in high school is doing this right now yeah this the whole weird they're weird yeah i lived this already i know this isn't a real.
You're a creepy guy. Yeah, you're a weirdo.
You're a pervert. Fuck, am I creepy? Makes no sense.
They're trying to hit the fucking dudes where it hurts, bro. JD Vince, we're an eyeliner.
That's weird. Maybe I'm weird.
We're all the bums. Yes, he created the bums.
They created me. I'm going back to Kensington where the vampires.
This is home of the vamps. This is Vamp City.
Look at this. You're so jealous.
I do like those dogs. They're great.
Told you. Just fucking chill, bro.
I'm just afraid that they're going to be dogs that constantly bark, and you're going to be a weird guy. You can train them.
That's what I'm saying. These dogs never bark.
I fear that. That's a dangerous future.
You're messing with something. This is serious.
Dude. You've got to train those.
Put the task in front of me. I will complete it.
You need a video podcast? No problem. I'll put the video podcast ad on.
True. It's recording right now.
It's been recording the whole time. I hope it's been recording.
No, Zoom's capturing everything. At least you'll have this split-screen gallery view.
No problem. Are you not entertained? Don't get me started on two.
Bill, you can get those. Ice Spice.
We need Ice Spice and Gladiator. I know.
They're trying to hit her with downs. So what? Come on, dude.
I don't know. Like Mosaic? I don't know.
i don't know the types but they're just trying to yeah probably probably down ass dude yeah true put the grub on the rings man hit the rings the minute you get delts dude i'm putting the drug test on the table what are you talking about the minute i get delts like i don't have delts the i'm talking delt cannons bro or delts on the top or what i'm i took like two weeks off of training bro i'm about to re-enter i know the the picture of you jacked is that was a camera distortion what that was a camera distortion last time we did the podcast matt was flexing and it's it's comical are you serious it is what it is dude is that a filter no no I I think my I think my kid I think that's saline shots I'm not dude I just fucking saline That's just spinach. That's a Popeye, bro.
Dude, it's just, I'm telling you. That's just 40 servings of vegetables you're eating.
I'm lifting. True, the veggies are helping.
All my minerals, dude. I'm constantly, I have two kids, dude.
Imagine if you're just carrying around like fucking 60 pounds all the time. Hey, Matt, you don't have to hit me below the belt like that, bro.
Yeah, dude, we're all fucking childless catwomeness. I'm just saying, you get like, you get pumped up.
Imagine I have two kids. All right, I'll do that for fucking four hours.
I'll do that for a 12-hour flight. Until these 10 seconds are gone.
You can have kids, dude. You can have kids.
I think Stevie and Reggie might be a pound each. Yeah, they're wheelings, dude.
I mean, they're fur kids. They're not the real ones.
I know. Fur babies.
They're practice babies.

Reggie hates being bothered.

You know what's crazy is how light it is and how expensive it is

because I was born 10 pounds.

Yeah.

So I'm like 10 of that.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah, the price per pound is way off.

Yeah.

So technically, you're way, way cheaper.

The price per meal is like I'm way cheaper.

I'm a good deal.

You got that baloney price.

That's a decent Watson deal.

Yeah, he's 11 and baloney, dude.

Damn, that sucks.

Scrapple, baby.

Did you see when Trump was on the golf cart talking shit on Kamala

like weeks and weeks ago?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're like, they're going to run her.

And he's like, she's so fucking bad.

She's so fucking pathetic.

They can still pull her, too.

He's so bad.

He's just there soaking it in, too, which is great. Burn.
We love burn. She's so bad.
It's fucking pathetic. He probably fucking believes that.
I mean, dude, she is pretty bad. She's a...
She's a girl, bro. Like, no one's ever liked her.
Now they're going to try to steal an election. Be like, oh, no, she's actually super popular.
Have her and Hillary Clinton ever been seen in the same place?

No.

I mean, Bill played the code-switching thing.

The code-switching.

And what do you call it?

People are saying that's just normal.

You just do that in general.

We're going to win in 2024.

Yeah, she's a –

Well, dude, apparently she graduated –

I think she went to a historically –

Yeah, and I think during Howard she she decided like, you know what?

I'm black.

I'm going.

She made the conscious decision to identify as black.

Okay.

There's nothing weird about that.

There's nothing weird about growing up Indian and being like, you know what?

I'm going to be now.

A lot of white kids do it in the suburbs for like four years.

Yeah, I really don't.

Maybe she'll start skating next.

She might be a skater next year.

She couldn't skate up. What if she's just following your trajectory? When she comes out, she does this fucking speech in the red glasses and the auras.
It'd be fucking crazy. I'd be pissed.
If she was copying me, I'd be pissed. Kamal might be swagger jacking.
I'm not asking for a peek, but do you have abs? No, no. No? All right.
Not yet. I think I had a couple, but again, right now it's not about aesthetics.
It's just about performance right now. It's just bulk.
It's functional. It's functional, yes.
It's strictly functional, dude. I mean, obviously, I got my cardio down seven years.
I'm just trying to get everything else in order. And you're natty.
Natty. Dude, I swear to God.
People are trying to say I'm chewing gum too hard, so therefore I'm not natty. It's like, dude, I am telling you I'm natty.
I will submit for a test. I mean, obviously there is the natty spectrum, as we all know.
Yeah. But I'm 100% natty.
This is just spinach. This is just veggies.
Vitamins. I think vitamins, veggies.
You're Jose, bro. Who's Jose? Conseco.
Dude, no, I'm not, dude. I telling you bro yeah i'll i submit for a serif podcasting where all the top podcasters do steroids i'm gonna break the glass you need to become the barry bonds Speaking of Barry Boz is huge I saw Aaron Judge

Dude that picture of you two is insane You need to become the Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds is huge.

I saw Aaron Judge.

That picture of you two is insane.

Who is that guy?

He's the best.

He's probably the best player in baseball.

I had a feeling he was like the man.

He's like 6'7".

It's like he had a Super Mario fucking mushroom.

He's not weird, big looking.

He is a normal looking dude that's just way bigger than you giant this is fake dude someone edited this yeah it was that was the most nervous i've been meeting someone i couldn't believe how starstruck how old is he uh 30 holy shit that's a dude he saw me during batting practice was like so i'm coming over there and i was like oh fuck oh fuck he's gonna come over here i and then he came over and i was like how are you hi there he goes what are you doing hot back there i was like wow that was pretty good that was crazy you ever see the kyle uh moody it was it was so bad you ever see the cow Mooney stuff? That's exactly what I was doing.

What are you going to do when the champions come?

He hit a big, everyone loves it.

He's the big long shot out there.

Hold on.

He's like the current Derek Jeter, basically.

He's like the biggest baseball player in the MLBs.

The home run leader.

He's the greatest.

He's a mutant, dude.

Yeah, he's big as fuck.

Look at Shane's Instagram.

Is it on your Instagram?

Yeah, the guy's enormous. I saw the pic.
I said, God damn, who for a second i went that's not there jeter is it dude reggie is not yesterday you're standing yes on equal ground yes holy bro that's a massive man i was being full nervous spazzing i don't know why i was like he was like so what's going on i was like nothing yeah i'm just doing uh how are you yeah i literally asked him how are you yeah like how are you doing how are you doing buddy i don't know what to say. You're big.
Dude, he hit like a 500-foot home run. Jesus.
You're better after the game. Like, yo, let's hang out later.
No, I couldn't talk. I've done – this is the second and a half spaz I've had.
What was that one? The number one Steph Curry was a complete spaz. I'm Shane Gillis.
Hi, I'm Shane Gillis. You might have seen me on Saturday Night Live.
Michael Phel curry was a complete spaz hi i'm shane gillis you might see me on saturday michael phelps was a full spaz dude i saw him hit a putt when he was

learning how to play golf from 160 feet he's not human no he's an alien hey helps bro

michael was a beast i didn't think i'd be that excited to meet that guy and i didn't meet him

i was just he flew next to me on a plane that That was raw dog. I wasn't listening to music.
I was blacked out of my music just sitting there. Fuck this Michael Phelps.
Fuck this Michael Phelps. I don't know.
I don't know. He's so cool, though, bro.
Yeah, dude. He's the man.
What would you do if he passed you the grab bomb?

I would smash the bomb.

I guess anxiety attack in the world on a plane.

That's probably wasn't even Michael.

So it's just a guy.

Did you say hi?

Yeah, briefly.

Literally full spaz.

Yeah, he did.

I don't think he knew who I was.

I was just like

Walked as fast as I could away from just looking for your hand

That was another like when Gabe gave me his jersey, this was another full one of those

Aaron judge gave me his bat and I was just like

Everyone watching was like, yeah. I literally looked like a special needs guy.

You rose it over your head?

Yeah, I held it.

I was like, ugh.

You just got to start saying hi to everyone with I'm Shane Gillis.

I didn't know what to say. Hi, I'm Shane.

You got to work on an approach.

He hit me with a try.

Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing hiding back there?

Nothing.

For real.

I was like, excuse me, why the fuck are you talking to me for?

This is me and I become a Whitaker.

I didn't know I had that spaz in me.

That's great.

I mean, what the fuck?

That dude is a fucking big person.

Yeah.

I was like fucking phased by how big that dude was.

It was very uncomfortable.

Yeah, obviously.

Pause.

That's like me with everyone else. Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, that's how I hold it down with like cashiers and shit. I'm like, oh, hope your day goes well.
Okay. Yeah, every time we go to the gym, enjoy your workout.
You too. That's a new PR though.
That's a PR. What? the fucking yeah you too i guarantee you're benching fucking 350 i'm fucking loser yeah yeah i hate you too constantly yep i do it also i have a safe flight yeah you too and.
I go, or, uh, yeah, just never mind. Good day.
Yeah. That's why I got a smoothie the other day and she's like, enjoy it.
I was like, thanks you too. And then I let her just out loud.
I was like, I have no idea why I said that. That's even crazy.
I was like, that's retarded. To correct it.
Out of control. Not the right thing to say.
Well, you're not going to have a smoothie. All right.
I have to leave. Yeah.
Well, you think it's going to come off smooth. Like, that was a simple brain fart on my end, but I'll be like, I didn't mean to say that to you.
You just got to look at him and just swallow. Yeah, true.
We're just beasted, honestly. True.
We'll just be like, you too, next time you fly. Next time you have a workout.
You probably tear it up in here at night. There is a steward.
You too. Those are handlebars.
All right. Got to go.
This person needs a fitting. He definitely had to fucking swallow after.
Oh, my God. These are like handlebars.
Just fuck.

How old is the dude?

How old is the... He's a geezer.

Yeah, he's a geezer, bro.

That's why I was like kind of being...

I was trying...

I was asking Tom, I was like, dude, it might not be that bad.

That's why I said if it is, it's the ultimate L.

If he's a geezer, he does not know about grabbing pigtails and doing back shots, dude.

Meanwhile, I smell some hair and you guys scream, dude. You re...
He's been doing it his whole life. I literally just wanted to do the fucking podcast.
Shower with his daughter. And you know that.
No, I don't know that. What are you talking about? It's in her journal.
From dying. Ashley Biden's dying.
What's up? The laptop from hell. They had that thing ready to go, and Kamala fucking stuck.
How old was she, though? 13? Or, like, way too old? All right. That's not good.
That's not good. So can catch you can catch like an outdoor beach shower with like a 2 year old but yeah definitely not a 2 year old alright you know I'm just you know just trying to make sure I thought he said beach shower I was like bro no no no beach shoot yourself in San Jose outdoor beach shower that was that dude explaining, like he made him explain the porn and it was just like.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, imagine if you just got, not even child porn, if you just got like done jerking off to something.

That was like a fucking 30 minute session.

And by the end of it, you're just like, what the fuck was I watching?

Some dude knocks me on the door like, why were you on that website watching it?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Oh, he punched the bullies. Ohgie miller just all right he caught a porn punch you were thinking of your worst vid and you came down with him with all your force yeah sorry your dog pulled i don't know i took it out immediately dude please don't beat them up they're too small they can't they piss shit in the house.
I'm just like the Arthur fist.

I go, come here.

Here's a treat.

He's giving treats?

Yeah, all the time.

After dumps?

Not after they take a shit in the right place.

I got them sitting, spinning, going up.

Let me see a spin.

I got to get a fucking treat.

Get the treats out, dude.

They're dead.

Turn this into a dog. I want to see the dog.

Stevie just got punched in the face.

Stevie's up.

He's got rocked, bro.

They're like little sphinxes. reggie's been tired as hell how nice is it sleeping in bed with them they don't sleep in bed with me what they're too little i'll kill them i'd be like uh christopher moltesanti i mean you kill your girlfriend yeah you've been choking out your girlfriend yeah it's crazy yeah that's good practice though i'm fighting someone i wake up and i i'm like it's like dark vader yeah it's crazy i don't know i mean there's shit going on in the actual plane that i can't wait physically doing that yeah grounder even invader here imagine if i went to war dude how bad i'd be that's why you're here with the pupperinos it's fucking nuts yeah it's only happened fucking three times i wake up three times it's only happened three times that I've strangled my girlfriend.
Yeah. It's fucking crazy.
I like, I have a dream that I'm fighting someone. And the one time, like I just had a full blown headlock.
I was like, Oh shit. My bad.
It's all half of what I saw. You'd understand.
I think we've talked about, I, I, one time I had hopped in bed with my ex-girlfriend and I was like, fucking move over. And I shoved her i asleep and i punched her and she was like ow i was like oh my bad yeah oh yeah he goes yes yeah spousal abuses matt what time what time is your big show uh i think probably like 7 30.
i got i'm on the west coast now, so I got time. You got three hours.
What the hell are you going to do in the meantime? Probably nap, honestly, dude. I'll probably get some more.
Definitely jack it off in that hotel, bro. Bro, I, bro.
Go on Instagram Live until your show. I'll go on IG Live, bro.
Until your show. I'll nap on IG Live.
Nap on IG Live and show us how you don't do it. Bro, I'm telling you i i think i might have ever since i talked to the penis guy i i've fapped once since that episode no lie bro that it comes for you in the hotel room the hotel room well after the show especially because you're all ramped up and it's the only thing dude it's the only thing they can put you down the rings You're on the other hand, right? Yeah.
the rings are on the left hand but it's my tongue ring baby so you're saving that you're saving that for after the show that's a little more i'm gonna do my best but i'm telling you man i've not been i haven't been fat you're gonna reward yourself after a good show we'll see man i mean i don't know yourself right especially now that you're jacked that's gonna a fucking intense beat off dude that's gonna be so crazy so you're doing like jack stand-up i'm doing jack stand-up dude i got a couch i got a couch in the room not bragging i got a fucking couch here i'm like couch bro you said what that's what they are is that for holding the can that's her holding the can that's for the fucking husband builds his ass with cocking dude the cock couch i swear to god fuck's the point of that it's a i don't know in case i want to watch tv and the couch you know instead of a you don't want to lay down in bed and watch tv you want to sit up oh i burn my ham sandwich i might slide between the cushions i might slide between the cushions and You should take a test drive in honor of the VP. Why ain't that true?

You go, this guy's giving us some decent ideas. This is good.
This is good. I like what's on his agenda.
What? Step one, introducing latex glove with petroleum jelly and a couch. This guy's got some ideas.
Let's get him in the White House. Let's go see.
Did you ever read his book, Hillbilly Elegy? No. The libs hate it, dude, because he like – Why are your lips so bad, bro? I don't know.
I think it's just probably the lighting. My lips are just probably rosy.
I don't know. I don't know, bro.
That's a side effect from tea. It's just not tea.
I'm not breaking out. I'm not taking tea.
I'm going to smash the glass on that probably years from now. Right now, bro.
I don't need the tea. This is the greatest era of podcasting of all time, dude.
You guys are all doing it. I'm not doing tea.
I'm doing earrings with you guys on it. Shane knew.
I'll never see it. I'd be curious what my tea levels are, though.
I don't know. I go back and forth.
This is how it starts. I'm not on tea.
I'm not worried. I'm just gonna find out once you take I'm not worried I'm not worried about my tea dude.
I'm happy with everything dude I don't want I don't want to go on that stuff. I have I can't even drink coffee dude I'm not gonna be able to take this stuff.
Lance Armstrong said to what he said I didn't drink all I need these stuff Lance Armstrong's a psycho. Did you watch that fucking 30 for 30? Yeah, Chad rules yeah chad mountain rules he rules chad mountain i don't know chad oh yeah i know him personally yes holy it's the greatest name ever yeah wait so it's lance armstrong and chad mountain are boys they're boys lance was a main chad was at uh were you at the netflix tires thing we did Yeah.
Chad was with us. Oh, nice.
Yeah. Chad Mountain.

Chad Mountain's a bro.

I would have liked a heads up. I was in the presence of Chad Mountain.
Think your car's okay? No, I guarantee my car is fucked. Dude, look how small they are.
Hopefully the camera picks us reads. Why is he fucking scared? Oh, he's scared of the court.
No, it's a fucking bottle cap.

Well, that should probably. Just watching dogs.
Never mind. Is he peeing off the pad? Edit that out.
What's that? What? Yeah, the other dog is. Oh, good job, Stevie.
Yeah, that's a piss, dude. Look at that.
Did he pee off the pad? That's a hedgehog, bro. No pee.
No pee. We're good.
That's good. That's good.
That's that's good yeah you don't want that on your dogs bro you don't want to have them peeing on camera like that does reggie do the leg up no doesn't let this leg thank god it takes him a while to do that he's not going to do that for a little bit don't get a deuce in right now he's taking a stevie's a fecal freak she'll get the the deuce. Reggie's thinking about something.
Reggie. You're just pissing.
You better treat them. You better treat them immediately.
They got to do it all that way. Reggie, come on.
You have pissed dogs that are loud. Stop putting that on my dog.
Oh, God. I'm telling you right now, this is going to be...
These dogs are going to harsh the vibe. Does he have PRM or what? He's got a nice penis.
He's just huge pubes. His one long fucking hair.
You got to shave his bush so it looks bigger. What's with that one long hair thing? It's just a long-ass hair on his dick.
I don't to fuck with him. I don't want to fuck with his dick.
Just the hair part. I got circled.
I'm not trying to do that to my boy. Whatever his hair part is.
Just let him do it. There you go, dude.
Look at that. Did we talk about the Shaytards last time? Whatards? What's that? I didn't talk about that.
No? Just some family of YouTubers that I just found out about that is, they were huge. They were like, it was like a family of Mormons.
And I think his name is Shay, or his last name is. And then he called all of his family the Tards.
He had Mommy Tard, Baby Tard, Son Tard. That's fucked up.
And he did a daily vlog. a daily vlog about every day he was like one of the first are these one of the people i got in trouble for like hurting their kids he got in trouble for he was i don't think i don't know if he actually cheated but he was like sexting oh with like a cam girl as you do and then all these youtubers i think i caught whacking off and she definitely released his texts oh my god but all the tar files it's hard yeah she was a target the tarred family is the funniest possible name his daughter his daughter was princess tard his son was suntard rocked hard so this was a dad that did this? Yeah.
And he vlogged every day. He vlogged every birth.
Jesus Christ. Yeah, it was...
Where'd you hear about these guys? They're just on YouTube. They're like the most famous.
They signed a thing with Disney for like $500 million. Holy shit.
Disney signed the Tard family? Disney signed the Tard family. What the fuck? All these YouTubers get in trouble.
You see Mr. Beast, Matt? Mr.
Beast. Was it Mr.
Beast or his right hand? He got caught pedoing. Mr.
Beast knew, bro. The Shaytards.
They're called the Shaytards. Is it like lie-on retards? Definitely.
He came out later and said he was a wrestler. What else is TARD in? He was a wrestler, so he said it was about his unitard.
Okay. That's all.
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, he's saying.
It's my unitard. The Shaytards.
Yeah, that's pretty. They're the first family of YouTube.
And then he got busted for web cam. Sexton webcam.
Princess Tard, Rock Tard Mommy Tard Mommy Tard Matt's just slowly Actually out of live Jasmine right now Yeah What a piece of shit Never mind the token noise In the background Thanks brother Are you gonna hit it or no? What? Are you gonna hit porn or no? A fat nap? No I mean a fat nap no i mean i i don't know i'm not even like really thinking about it that much but i uh all right so you jerk off every day no i'm dead serious i haven't been i fab yeah it was 500 million to disney holy he founded a studio with some friends and they sold it to walt disney for 500 million dollars in 2014 then he got caught whacking off i think in like a tent jesus christ he was in the woods

and he lost it? I mean bro. I don't think they can take it away.
I don't know. Yeah, the tards got 500 mil.
They got 500 mil. Yeah, the tards get 500 mil.
That's probably an offshore council. He was probably a token lord dude.
Oh yeah. Imagine coming to the cam girls with 500, a bank of 500 milli, dude.
And then one of those nasty girls fucking puts your texts out. Yeah.
Having a hunter, dude. Yeah.
Could be anyone. Droid Hunter 88.
How did it happen to J.D. Vance? How did it happen to J.D.
Vance? He emails out, yeah. What? What was he doing? He's got a...
He's got a... Pride parades.
An F2M transsexual friend that released 10 years of emails. Damn.
Was he being sexual with you? No, just being like, I hate Trump, he's a racist. Whatever, Trump don't give a fuck.
He doesn't say that when they're around. Trump pisses me off, dude.
Fucking hate him. I can code switch on that with the best of them that orange fucking cheeto fuck him well yeah true he's such a fucking pig yeah how much money you want to bet that your car is absolutely fine nothing okay yeah i mean safe neighborhood check check your uh zip code right now.
I literally parked next to a pile of stuffed animals where someone got shot. And? Never forget.
Terrible neighborhood. What's your zip code? Don't say.
Actually, don't say your zip code. Yeah.
I can guess it right now. I mean, those neighborhoods are the most famous bad neighborhood in the country right now.

Yeah, I should probably go get that car.

I mean, it's absolutely fun.

Come on.

Sun's still out.

I can get that car.

Yeah.

Come on.

Let's wrap this thing up so I can get my fucking car.

I'm going to check right now. You can check out the crime activity on, like, I think.

You're about to see one in 10 minutes when I say my car was stolen.

I mean, your car is, you know, shouldn't be.

Your car is fine, man.

They probably think they're probably going, God damn.

Thank you. in 10 minutes when I say my car was I mean your car is you know shouldn't be your car is fine man they probably they probably they're probably going god damn if anything you're gonna get big ups

oh we're done oh all right oh nice what's up dude we can be done yeah we're done bro

four folks already all right Matthew you motherfuckers you motherfuckers rule dude

later man good later guys see you soon bye