Ep 572 - Gabriel (feat. Gabe Davis)

Wow, wow, Wes.

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, we're live.

Welcome to Matt and Shane's Secret Pod.

We're here with special guest Gabriel Davis.

Yes, sir.

You.

What up?

So how are you?

I'm good.

Doing good.

Good.

Nice.

Energy in here is a fucking

wild, great.

It's crazy.

Energy is crazy.

Energy is uncomfortable.

What about his entourage?

I know, it's sick.

Entourage.

There's fucking seven guys here.

You guys all day just kept being like, yo, is it cool if another guy comes over?

It does feel like a grade school dance where the boys are lined up against the wall but there's just other boys on the other side of all the boys

it's an all-boy dance

the dorks are nervous the podcast dorks are nervous it's the dorks and the jocks dude we're gonna get wedgied

yes dude it's gonna be sick dude you made fun of my hat a minute ago no i did dude crazy i said i like i was nervous about the hat i almost gave it to nate right away why because it's a cool hat and i don't like wearing cool hats why do you think i was i said that's a sick hat now you smiled when you said it because you know i said you know that's nasty.

No, you know I smell it.

You know that's fucking nasty.

You smiled when you came laughing and giving me a hat.

I like the hat.

I smiled, going, the beezer would love that hat.

That's why I smiled.

The beezer's going to get his hands on this hat.

I'm giving him this hat.

I genuinely like the hat, and then I thought of how much the bees would like that hat.

I smiled.

That's all.

Yeah, but if you give someone a compliment and smile while you're doing it, it's clearly an insult.

It wasn't worth it.

It wasn't cool shoes.

Fuck.

Nasty, dude.

I just thought about it.

I know it's race week.

I know it's race week.

And And you're testing it, dude.

You're Roy Raging again.

You rag on my hat.

I can like a hat and laugh about how much the bees would cover the hat.

The bees would go nuts for this.

That's what I thought about him on a couch being like, yo, that's

like.

I know.

I miss the bees.

Have you ever met the beezer?

No.

He might have been in Buffalo.

No.

No, he wasn't.

I never met him.

No, he might have flashed by.

You wouldn't even man.

He's the man.

He beezes around.

He'd flash right by you.

He's like a hummingbird.

Apparently he's posted up at Bonners now.

You can find the bees, yeah.

You find him at Bonner's?

Yeah.

That's nice.

Go down to Bonners, meet the bees.

They have a little bees' house, and he just busts by the bees.

He's in there.

Dips his beak and leaves.

Blizz, was it you?

No, somebody was just telling me about Blizz.

Blizz and him were going to go get lunch.

He was supposed to meet him there, and Blizz was riding his bike, and he rode past Bonner's.

Bliz was late.

And he drove past Bonner's and Beezer was out there just smoking a cigarette in front of the bar.

He was like, aren't we supposed to meet for lunch?

He's like, Yeah, I'll be there.

What the hell?

He wasn't going.

He just wasn't going to go.

He was going to stay at Bonner's.

We got to get you to Bonner's.

What is that?

It's just a nice spar in Philly.

It's a good partner.

Yeah.

Philly rules.

What are you hinting at?

You're going to go to Philly?

What are you doing there?

They got enough.

They got enough out there.

They got enough out there.

Yeah.

I can't do that.

Those boys are all paid and making plays.

I can't.

Yeah, that goes great.

Could do it again this year.

Nah.

I can't believe you turned on me at the beginning of the year.

You made fun of my hat and you juiced.

He didn't make fun of my hat.

You juice to the gills.

It's affecting everyone.

It's race week and you're juiced.

The cycle must be crazy this week.

Dude, it's just a sheilajit, man.

It's just a sheilajit.

It's a fucking sheilajit.

It's like this, I don't know.

I feel like Muslim guys get it from like mountains or something.

Well, they're always jacked.

I know.

They're jacked.

That's high T.

That's the most high T religion there is.

Religiously, yeah, probably.

Most high T religion for sure.

Can't do anything.

Yeah, it's high T.

High T, dude.

Making women cover themselves up like that, I'm going to say it.

It's high T.

Amish is good high T.

Super high T.

Amish is crazy high T.

Amish is so high T that, like, you might fuck around and marry your cousin.

That is the highest form of T.

Only dudes with high T's thought their cousins were hot as fuck growing up.

Only your T is so high, you're like, yo, my aunt.

I would fuck my aunt.

That's high T, dude.

You can have a lot of T to like kiss your cousin and be like, what?

You have high T, bro.

You definitely want to fucking.

You didn't have a hot aunt?

No.

Yeah, you bought on.

No, hell no.

Dang.

You do have probably.

I only got like one aunt, though.

I don't even know my other aunt.

So you're saying she's not hot?

That's just going to see this.

That's so mean.

No, she's not that she's not hot.

She's just, she's my aunt.

That's wild.

True.

There's some hot ants kicking around.

There are.

Yeah.

Is there an aunt, huh?

No.

What about ants at Mary Into the Family?

There's ants at Mary Into the Family.

All my ants at Mary in the Family.

I like call them every now and again.

I'm like, yeah, you look so beautiful.

Yeah, you look so tall.

I almost said, you know, Ryan.

Yeah.

Uncle Blank is so lucky.

I almost almost said his name.

I told you I got drunk and told my cousin how beautiful she looked at her wedding.

You look like Helen of Troy.

They're like, all right, man, let's get him out of here.

You look so beautiful up there.

That was a low point.

We are getting to the age, though, but we can start telling women how beautiful they are, and it's like not that big of a deal.

Yeah.

If you see a woman dressed up at all, I'm like, you look beautiful.

You look stunning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're at Applebee's.

Some guy, some like old man just hit Britney with that.

He goes, I swear, like, I have no agenda.

I just want to say

it's beautiful.

No, it wasn't bust and bust.

Motherfucker, bust a bus, but man, fucking kissed my wife's hand, dude.

I leave the room for one second, comes back in.

She's like, oh my God, Buster Rhymes kissed my hand.

I was like,

one of my homegirls had a run in with Buster Rhymes, though.

He did it.

He did the same thing.

He's hot too.

He fell.

He's hot too.

Like in the club.

In the club, he walked up to him and was like, I just want to tell you the most beautifulest girl in here.

I've seen autistic dudes.

He's on that.

It's Sigma Grind.

It's total Sigma Grind.

He'd be like, I have no, I don't don't even care what happens.

I just want to tell you you're beautiful in a quarter.

It's a good move.

It's a good move.

I told my wife I'm going to start.

She told me about it.

I was like, I'm going to start doing it to every lady I see then.

If it's such a nice thing, if it's such a nice thing.

That's my plan for 2026.

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to try to get a ton of female friends.

Just so I can be laying in bed and be like, oh, dude, Samantha, dude, she's so funny.

She's so fucking funny.

You send me this thing.

You guys, you guys should hang out.

That's a really great move.

Just do everything your girlfriend says is not a big deal.

Fine.

We can do this.

Like, dude, Kimberly, just send me a meme.

You guys have like a similar sense of humor.

You guys will love each other.

We said we should all hang out together.

I'm going to go to the beach with my friends from college.

Of course, a couple of them are my guys.

It's going to be fun.

We're going to get a beach house.

Do you know who actually does this?

Who?

Haas.

You trashed dog in the press.

He called one time.

He's like, no, it's true.

He got in Haas's head before the fight.

He texted Brittany one time and he goes, I'm on a girls trip.

And she was like, oh, he must be talking to his wife.

And Hawes is like, no, it's just like my friends from college.

It's like a girls trip, but I go on it too.

Jesus Christ.

What an animal.

He's He's high T.

He's the highest T you can have.

Going on the girls' trip under four.

Girls' trip.

What?

We were friends.

That's crazy.

You go on girls' trips.

Hello.

And we're back.

Deleted.

I always.

Oh, you got to bring the mic up.

Oh, my bad.

Did you ever come across those dudes?

They're like, yeah, I was just kicking it with my homegirl last night.

It's like, what are you talking about, dude?

Your girl best friend?

It's like, what are you doing, man?

Unless you're having sexual intercourse yeah obviously but at that point you can't call them your homegirl that's crazy i had a guy call a male called a girl a fuck buddy last night yeah i don't like that i don't like that and i don't like lady friend

sean said that one time

the fuck who the hell do you think

this is my lady friend we gotta get out of here everyone

dude it's stranger girlfriend wife this is a complete stranger to me that's what i say about all of them

never met So I introduce my girlfriend to people.

I go, this is a complete stranger.

I just met her earlier.

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Dude, speaking of strangers,

I recently got

accepted into a spider league or invited to a spider league.

What's that?

I didn't know what it was at first, but I was like, it's basically you take pictures of spiders you see around, submit it to Chat GBT saying, like, hey,

identify the spider and rate one from 100 how dangerous it is to other spiders.

Submit the chat GBT with the picture, and then you're in like a tournament bracket where you're fighting spiders against other people.

Dude, that's awesome.

Just found a false widow today.

Danger rating 75.

I've had a couple for I've had two picks so far: 85 and 75.

Damn, it's like it's real-life Pokemon Go.

Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

It's fucking awesome.

It's the false widow.

Dogs.

Huh?

Do it, dog.

Or dogs.

Dogs should be tight, too.

Do it, black guy.

No, I'm joking about that.

Come on.

My bad.

I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that.

Or my rating be, though.

You, your rating's high as fuck, dude.

You're dangerous.

You're a scary fucking psycho.

I've seen him talk shit to like you and Spencer.

That was when you would talk shit to Spencer Brown.

I was like, Gabe, chill.

You're like, nah, I'll beat the fuck out of you.

I mean, they were joking, but no, for sure.

No, I got something against Spencer.

You think you can beat up Spencer?

Yeah, because he's so big, and he thinks because he's so big, he can like beat people up.

But I feel like

he's soft as he's so big.

Nah,

Spencer's soft as fuck, though.

I don't know, dude.

He's playing fucking football.

He's pretty.

Nah, I'd beat his ass.

How big is this guy?

He's gigantic.

6'9, like 300?

Bro, he's huge.

It's like the Undertaker.

He's literally the Undertaker.

He was the one who was playing at the Dave and Busters.

I was on Mushrooms watching him play fucking video games, and I was just like, fuck.

He was terrifying.

Yeah, that would be kind of scary on Mushrooms seeing giant guys.

Seeing a giant guy play a kids' game?

Oh, fuck.

I was like, damn, dude, we used to have Vikings.

Now they're just at fucking Dave and Buster's.

It's crazy.

That guy should be burning a village.

He said he's hanging out with Le Maire and David Buster's Buffalo.

That was the best time.

That was an awesome time.

That was literally the best time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw the one guy, I think it was the SNL After Party, he tried to grab like your jacket or something.

You had some pretty quick movements.

Remember your SNL After Party?

There was a guy with a backpack who was trying to make everyone do drugs or...

Pretty much make Shane do drugs with him.

And it was a go-away, go away.

And you were like, dude, get out of here.

And he tried to unzip something on your jacket.

And you grabbed this guy's arm with a pretty alarming and terrifying speed, cranked it up.

He was like a drug nerd.

He's like, man.

And he got away.

And I was like, I was watching, dude, you would have for sure died.

It would have been.

We had that one time where we were hanging out.

That was the same night you were saying you're going to fight Spencer.

That kid came up at the bar.

Yeah, he was tripping.

Yeah, he was.

He was tripping.

Yeah.

Really?

I don't know if I don't want to go into it too much.

No, no, no.

You were

saying some things.

I do.

what

you went right to it, you pressed the button immediately, and I was like, Oh, shit, as soon as I saw him, I already knew.

I was like, Yeah,

it is weird, though.

I've known, I've known a couple of guys like that who do have like a weird

who will go up to like the tallest, biggest guys and be like, fuck you, at the bar.

It's always like, I have like tall family members, and people will try to like fight them.

And it's like a weird fetish, horses, dude.

The dudes, they're giant freaks in your family.

Yeah, like 6'6.

They're massive.

And the dudes will come up and be like, fuck, you think you're bad.

Philly would beat the shit out of you.

McCusco?

Yeah.

Nah.

I'm taking him and Spud on, bro.

You can't take the small one.

Not the duo.

No, not Davis.

Davis give beat up war mode.

It's official.

Adam Chief.

The duo would be too dashing.

Spud will come in suicide bomb at first.

He'll come in.

Oh, 100%.

He was just a torso.

No defense he'd have no defense he's a problem yeah

yeah he'll get he's got noggin too he'd be tough to hit both those boys have some big ass noggins so

oh brother

nice so you got you got a show tonight i was i'm yeah 10 o'clock a little slow it's all right thinking about it 10 o'clock i dude i forgot it was a 10 o'clock or 10 o'clock's tough yeah but we'll see it'll be fun man brand new stuff so

we'll see trying to uh trying to come up with the new stuff it's pretty fun is it like an hour Is it like a full show?

Or is it?

I'm going to try.

I'm going to try to do like 45 minutes of all new stuff.

Of like, you know, newish.

So we shall see.

AC, it's really just a test for Atlantic City because it's like, I don't know.

I feel like a lot of people from Philly are going to be there who have seen the old stuff.

So it's like, let me try to give them the new.

I'm just going to bomb in Atlantic City.

I'm going to bomb in Atlanta City.

If you lose the race and bomb, dude.

You have to walk into the sea.

You have to just go straight into the sea.

Bomb and lose the horse.

Dude, he would be a in the races before the show yeah yeah he'd be you can't you can't bomb you can't lose the race and then you could think of him after the show yeah just be like your new stuff's not good oh yeah you just say that

yeah just fly home quietly i would change my flight secretly like i said i just wouldn't fly home with my family i'd be like what the hell they bumped me off the flood this is crazy i'm flying first class tomorrow by myself this is crazy

yeah i couldn't go home i couldn't face my family after that, honestly.

Or, or it would just charge me for the next victory.

I would train harder.

Yeah, just train harder.

You're not going to bomb there.

And your family's going to be there.

You're going to do great.

It's like 20 out of 50.

That's a lot.

There'll be 20 family members.

That's a lot.

Backstage is going to be a problem.

Backstage is going to be nuts.

Yeah, I've been talking to Brittany already.

It's going to be those hotel rooms I give you gone.

Yeah.

They're all completely gone.

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But yeah, it'll be fun, man.

It'll be a nice little trip, and I'll take the kids to the beach just before they start school.

So, you know, that'll be...

We have real school now.

My is in kindergarten.

kindergarten, so I gotta like get up at 6:30 every morning.

It's gonna be, it's gonna be fucking bullshit.

That'll be nice.

Yeah, you're gonna like that.

Yeah, I do like the fucking calendars.

You put the fucking dots on the calendar for real, though.

I put one on.

I forgot.

The first picture you sent me, I was like, no.

Oh, I did.

I put one, but then I, she ran it back on me so fast, I was like, just kind of defeats the purpose.

The dots would be too connected right now.

She probably, she knew.

She knew what she was doing.

I think so.

That's a good method, though.

It worked.

It did.

Yeah.

It did.

I mean, dude, dude,

my wife's also, I've learned, she's a geranophile.

What's that?

She's attracted to older, like elderly men.

That's why I have the gray goat.

The goat's nice.

She's real.

I told her, I'm like, the first thing I noticed when you walked in, I was like, damn, the goat's getting strong.

It's a yin-yang goat.

Yeah,

Granophobe.

I'm a geranophobe, dude.

I fucking hate old, attractive guys.

Yeah, I've learned about geranophile is a nice one.

Did you ever hear of a basiophilia?

It's people who are attracted.

Try to guess what it it is.

Basiophilia?

Yeah, it's like a basiophilia.

Babies of all?

No.

Good guess.

They're called paedophiles.

No, I don't know.

I wonder, there's got to be a different term for like straight-up baby attraction.

We're like, nah, man, teenagers.

I need the baby.

I need a little, I need the Hershey kiss.

That's crazy.

Yeah, just baby fuckers.

I think there's no real term for it.

Yeah, just called a baby.

Maybe call them like governor.

Yeah, yeah, true.

Senator.

No,

basiophiles are people who are attracted to pretty much like neck braces, orthopedic boots.

Holy shit.

Oh, no.

That's crazy.

Neck brace is the funniest thing you can have.

Orthopedic boot.

Orthopedic boot.

I was deep in researching kink for my radio play.

So I came across.

Basiophiles was like, it was like a A through Z

hurt people.

I think you're just attracting, yeah, you're attractive to people who are like bound in medical devices.

Neck brace is the funniest thing.

It's the funniest way you can look.

If you have a neck brace on, you are a loser.

You can't go out in public.

So if I person in a neck brace at a casino, it would say, maybe die.

A basiophile needs to head to the fucking casino.

Everyone in there is fucking dinged up.

Everyone's got a cast on.

Yeah, true.

That would be a good place for you.

Need to brace at a casino is rock ball.

I can see the bees man rocking a neck brace at the casino with this hat, dude.

That should be his merch.

His new personalized neck brace.

Shut the fuck off.

Go to the barners.

Shut up.

Yo, where'd you get that hat?

What, that, Carhartt?

It's fucking sick, dude.

Is Bees the main guy from

Tires?

Yeah, yeah.

That's Gerby's.

Oh, Gerby's.

Okay, Gerby.

Girby's Bees.

Well, I remember him talking about Bees.

Bees is Kylo's Kylo's

Kylo's boyfriend.

The girl on the show.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

He's a comedian.

He's just all guy.

He's an all-disco, dude.

I miss him.

He's back in Philly.

Can't wait to see him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if I'll see him.

I don't know if I'll be able to make it.

You might make the track.

You never know.

You really.

You might just honestly see him there.

That's true.

With a neck brace in a casino going,

yo.

Yeah, you're racing fucking horse.

Dude, horse is so fucking gay.

fucking call horse.

Only person I've ever met in the world who whispers like a deaf guy makes no.

He tries to be quiet.

He just goes straight down.

It's crazy.

Every time he'd be like, dude, fuck him.

Because we all live together.

So somebody would be upstairs and he'd be talking shit on and be like, do not fucking call him.

Don't fuck with that shit.

Do not fucking fuck with that shit.

And he fucking did it, dude.

He's incredible.

He really is.

Never is never swam once.

I know.

It's crazy.

Yo, he gets so bad when you bring up swimming.

This is how he dressed at the beach.

Just GS t-shirt.

He shows up at like 6 p.m.

Where were you all day?

All black.

All black.

We visited him at the beach, and he just never made it to the beach.

Yo, where are you?

He's the bees, dude.

Stands in jeans.

Like, yo, it's fucking beef.

Yo, it's fucking hot out here.

Dude, you're in jeans.

Yeah, he rules.

Oh, man.

Oh, bro.

What do you got going on?

Shit, just

rehabbing.

Got some visits lined up.

Go to some trees, see what we got going on.

You don't have to break the news, but

say what you want.

Up to the northeast a little bit.

Yeah.

Ew, I like that.

And out west a little bit up there.

A little out west.

Yeah.

Nice, man.

You're rehabbing.

What's your injury?

I tore my PCL meniscus.

Yeah, so I had tore it

the 17th game in 2023

in Buffalo and then signed with Jacksonville.

And the shit just never got back right.

Yeah.

So I was just running like week 10 and just took a cut and then felt the pop in my knee and went to go try to walk to the sideline.

I was just like, bro, I can't make it.

So then my meniscus and then my PCO end up fully.

My PCO was already partially torn, ended up fully tearing.

And then I had tore my medial meniscus.

So how do you actually rehab that?

Quad sets.

I mean, it was a lot.

I was on crutches for like 12 weeks, and then I got a blood clot in my calf.

So, then I had to be on blood thinners for like three months.

Um,

but literally, like, you just have to get that flexion back, like bending it and shit.

Yeah, like, that's like the worst part.

You have to get that, get that bend back, bro.

That's crazy, dude.

If I run for like two days in a row, my knees are fucked.

Yeah, like, if I stop.

They were talking about running.

I was like, I don't think I've sprinted in a decade.

It's, dude, it's the crazy.

When you do it again, did you run track at all in grade school?

No.

I ran it.

I wasn't good at all in grade school, and I remember my 100-meter time.

I can't even touch it.

I can't get close.

Oh, you're fine?

Well, I mean, I'm not that fast.

Right now, I'll run 100 meters and like, I think I got like 13.5, 13.5,

but it's not, dude, I think I used to get like, I know 10 seconds was like crazy in grade school.

And I think I used to get like 10 seconds.

10 seconds is crazy.

It's crazy now.

Yeah, yeah, that's like high school guys.

Okay, never mind.

Maybe I got the same time.

Maybe I've always been 14 seconds.

No, maybe I'm just 14 seconds all the time.

There was a couple kids who ran like close to 10.

14 seconds is kind of moving.

I could be wrong.

13.5, but yeah,

13.5 is great.

But it's not bad.

When I first started sprinting again after a while,

my fingertips become numb.

Like half my fingers would just completely lose feeling.

And I'd be like, fuck, this is not good.

I might die out here.

Yeah, definitely.

But your body figures it out.

Yeah.

You'll see when you're geezed up.

You do anything.

You go, I didn't know that could happen to me.

Yeah.

Certain things start, but dude, my arms, my hands will fall asleep.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My circulation's fucked up.

I got a long time for that.

It's coming.

But here's the thing, though.

When you do cardiatomy about fucking aging.

No, I'm not doing that.

It's coming.

No, it just sounds like something that my body wouldn't do to me.

Brother, I was like you.

When I was your age, I was jacked and had to have some fucking breath.

Trust me, dude.

I took purple.

From then until this time.

Yeah, all my tattoos disappeared, too.

Yeah, your tats are going to fade off.

Well, dude, cardio, I always thought was pointless because I was like, cardio is pointless.

I thought it was.

No, it's definitely

the most important.

I know, but when I was younger, I was like, I'm just going to bench press and get a bigger chest.

Why the fuck would I run?

And then, like, when you run, your body grows like new veins.

You just can't see them.

But as soon as I learned that, I'm like, oh, this is sick.

Yeah, that's the coolest thing.

Yeah, you just think about your veins growing, your your capillary spreading, you're like, this is sick, yeah,

especially when you get like out of breath, like when you were a kid.

I haven't done that, like, I did that recently this week, and it was just like, I used to do this like 10 times a day, yeah, I used to do it all day, just like fucking for whatever reason.

I like thought I was gonna die.

I laid down, I was like,

round a 400.

400 sucks, 400 is brutal, yeah, 400, I think 115.

Sorry, I keep talking about tracking.

No, that's 115, that's solid.

Yeah, it's not bad.

It's all right.

40.

I mean, I'm going to be 40 in January, so.

That's pretty good, dude.

What would you run 100 meters in?

Probably like

100 meters?

I don't know.

Probably like 11, maybe.

Oh, shit.

Matt might fucking burn you, dude.

No, 13, 13, 5.

Neck and neck.

You're like, just started working.

We can have a race.

We can have a race right now.

Well, how's it?

I don't want to fucking.

I'm running.

That'll take you into deep waters.

You're not ready, man.

You got to keep rehabbing before you gum at my boy.

Oh, I'm good.

He's fucking secondary.

He's fast.

You're fucking.

He's fast as shit, dude.

For real, 13.5 is my best.

Dead, dude.

My anaerobic capacity is definitely my strength.

So, yeah.

I've said it before.

All I got to do is follow him the whole time.

I'm going to give him a little leash.

I'm going to give him a little lead.

Make it think like, oh, shit, I'm really beating this guy.

Close the gap.

As soon as I see that finish line, just

gone.

Hit the NOS.

Where are you?

Are you guys racing

on the beach?

Yeah.

That's going to be tough, dude.

A mile on sand?

Gotta be close to the water.

We'll be close.

Yeah, we'll be on hard sand.

It'll be closer.

It'll be hard sand.

You got a draft behind him.

That's true.

I'm gonna let him block the win for me.

Yeah.

But yeah, it's gonna be hard sand.

I'm gonna, I'm not gonna go barefoot because I last time I ran barefoot, I fucking fucked my toe up.

So, but it'll be cool.

Friday, it'll be Friday.

It's kind of bullshit.

I gotta fly all day Thursday and then fucking get there.

But when you're running, how do you know who gets to the mile first, though?

He's, I'm trusting he has some sort of marker.

It'll probably, if I'm guessing, it'll be a street sign on the beach.

That'll be the marker.

So

we'll see.

It'll be fun.

Yeah, it's going to be awesome.

I might just try to do a photo.

You should please film it.

I'll have to figure out how to do it.

And if you lose, delete it.

But

I might just do a chest view with my phone.

Do a chest view with my phone.

Yeah.

And just

also, I talked to a cop recently.

He said

his body cam footage, a lot of the times, is our podcast.

It has like the soundtrack to it.

I'll just be listening to the podcast and then he has a chasing.

It's making me laugh.

I've been watching nothing but body cam footage the last few years.

Yes.

It's been pretty great.

Yeah, body cam footage is nice.

It's pretty funny.

Still funny.

It's a little sad.

It's a lot of schizophrenic people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That sucks.

When they start yapping, it's kind of funny.

Oh, yeah, they're all.

I know it's heartbreaking, but yeah, they start hitting numbers and shit.

Like, I'm actually 727.

All right.

Yeah, I love those guys.

Yeah, they hit names and numbers.

That's how you know.

They're pretty impressive.

Frank is coming here, and he's going to be pissed at you.

People are like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Like, you'll see.

Have you hit any like completely schizophrenic Instagram videos?

For sure.

They're the best.

Yeah.

Where are your first year?

You're like, what is this guy?

And they're like, oh, fuck.

He's schizophrenic.

It's making a lot of sense.

At first, you're like, damn, this guy is fucking cracked the code.

There was one good one.

There was a good body cam.

This guy, this old dude, shot a drone out of the sky, and they came to talk to him.

And while he's getting cuffed, he goes, I can't breathe.

I can't.

He makes a fucking George Floyd joke.

And the cops are like, dude.

He was the man, though, other than the George Floyd joke.

I don't approve of that.

Schizophrenic guy hit the GF joke?

He was not schizophrenic.

He was just a bro.

He was just bro and he was.

He was literally a 72-year-old guy that a drone was over his house, so he shot it.

They all called the cops on him.

They were like, we're not going to arrest you.

And he was like, I can't breathe.

They're like, all right.

Hit the fucking car.

God damn it, dude.

Yeah.

So I got that going.

That's really funny.

Yeah, I'm working on that.

Can't believe those cops are being such fucking snowflakes, dude.

They were.

The camera did shift away because I bet those cops fucking laughed.

Those cops probably loved that fucking joke.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure they were like, fuck.

That's a good one.

True.

True.

What else is going on?

Tell you this, dude.

I had to run in with firefighters recently.

Whoa, what'd they do to you?

Bro, these guys were fucking hunks, man.

What?

No, I swear to God.

We had like a back-to-school party for Maya.

Her friends came over, friends from the neighborhood.

And Brittany.

I saw that on Britney's story.

You guys put together a fucking,

it was a slander.

It was crazy.

It was fucking fun.

but she called she or the fire department's like near our house.

She went up there and she's like, Hey, if we're having a party, just come by, bring the trucks, the kids will spazz.

And I had to run out for a minute.

I come back.

There's just two gigantic fire trucks, bro.

Hunks just walking among it.

Fucking Austin hunks, dude.

Dude, like

creme de la creme.

Hunks need to fucking chill.

6'3, 6'4.

They're just mad.

I could have told you the Austin fire department, but it was definitely jack dudes.

It's ridiculous.

Jack Hawk guys, the duju-jitsu and shit.

I'm like, I'm like, oh, cool.

Like, the fire department's here.

The kids are here.

This will be cool.

The wives are just being horny perverts the entire time, being like, did you call them for the kids or for us?

And right away, I'm like, fuck these guys.

That's crazy.

Talking to husbands, I'm like, again, you got to do what they do.

You make those jokes back.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I should have been like,

I'll suck one of these fucking guys.

What if I sucked one of them?

How would that be?

Just really loudly.

He's like, what do you want?

Like a devil's threesome with these two guys?

It's fucking crazy.

I want to pee in your butt.

It's crazy.

But no, I was hating.

I was right away.

I was like, these fucking pee, get these fucking guys out.

And then I talked to one firefighter.

He's like, yeah, we love the cast.

I'm like, these guys are fucking awesome.

These guys are great.

Yeah, fuck.

I went from being like, I'm going to fucking start a fire down the street to get these motherfuckers out of here.

These fucking hot guys off my lungs.

They truly were fucking sick.

They got the jaws of life out and they were just crushing beers with them, making them explode.

They were truly.

Yeah, dude, it was so tight.

These guys are awesome.

Dude, they were blasting the hydrant.

They fucking blasted me with the hydrant.

I was like, that's kind of fucking funny.

Really?

Yeah.

These guys had fun.

They were the best.

Yeah.

I was like, because at first it was just hooked up to the truck, so it wasn't a lot of PSI.

And I was like stepping in it, like showing the kids, like, yeah, I don't give a fuck.

And then they hooked up the hydrant.

I was like, oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

It hurts, yeah.

Yeah.

That's a serious thing.

They need to have that fire department.

They need to head down to that homeless encampment by Nate and just blast those fuckers.

They called it out.

Yeah, they got rid of it.

Yeah, they cleared it out.

They're coming back, dude.

I don't think so.

They put a fence up now.

What?

The fence.

That kind of does them in.

Yeah, you put a fence up.

Yeah, they do.

It's over.

The dream flows.

They respect fences.

They do respect fences.

They did that in Philly.

They had that whole, it was near my old house.

They had a big baseball field and playground.

And it just became like a genuine homeless encampment.

It was big.

And all they kicked them out and put up one measly chain link fence.

And they were like.

I can't.

They just put the handkerchiefs on the sticks.

They cannot fuck with fences at all.

The simplest fence.

They're like, well, show's over, guys.

Show's over.

I guess we're going to have to find a house.

Can't be homeless anymore.

Looking at some first-time homebuyers.

Yeah, it's funny.

It's crazy, man.

That camp he had near his house was right next to his house.

Dude, his friend was there.

Weren't they like welding at night?

It was just barrel fires.

I was past them.

They're like blacksmiths?

Like multiple

barrel fires.

They were literally smithing.

Making swords and shit.

Just a foundry.

Yeah, they were going nuts in there.

Yeah, no,

I'm driving by and seeing them.

The silhouettes and the flames must have been terrifying.

And it would be like 3 a.m.

But you got a fence around your apartment complex.

They can't get in.

Wait, what would you say?

You don't have a gate?

They respect the gate.

They don't respect gates.

They respect fences.

I feel like they're.

True, they wait till the gate opens.

I live here.

That was my theory.

When South Buy was down here, they moved them all from under the bridge.

They do.

Yeah, they do that.

They do sweep them away.

Over by the creek.

They love that fucking bridge under there.

I guess, yeah, the shade would be nice.

Yeah.

They always try to get you for parking.

Like you park and then they stand there.

I was like, I helped you get that spot.

And then you're like, he's going to break into my car.

Oh, yeah.

They wear fake high-viz, like they work on.

That's a bridge.

They're trying.

They're doing something.

It is a tight hustle.

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.

Matt Shane, what was your favorite part of last football season?

What are you most excited about in the upcoming season?

Super Bowl.

Super Bowl was very exciting.

That was awesome.

Notre Dame beating Penn State was also a big highlight for me.

That was huge.

They spanked him, didn't they?

No, it was a great game.

Last second.

Oh, yeah.

Last second football.

Georgia they spanked last year.

That's what I'm thinking of.

Georgia was a shocker.

Dang.

Please talk about your thoughts on the upcoming football season.

I'm excited about it.

The Philadelphia Eagles are going to be great.

If they become a genuine football dynasty,

it'd be probably the worst thing that ever happened to the city.

Hey, Matt, do you know the ashton aston jenny genty jesus christ running back stance is he gonna be better than saquan not gonna be better but i'm do you like his stance i like his stance a lot he just stands straight up does he really yeah it's pretty sick he's a running back he literally just stands like a 1920s football player yeah it's crazy

it's awesome uh all this football talk is getting me pumped thankfully the football season is already underway on prize picks prize picks is offering season-long stat picks that we can take right now before the season even starts nice That's pretty cool.

Yeah, man.

Dude, I feel like it's pretty simple to play, dude.

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Guys, August 16th, it's coming up.

It's next week.

It's huge.

Yeah, it's huge.

Van Andel Arena, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

August 16th, it's going to be big.

And then fly back

to Atlantic City.

After that, fly right back to Atlantic City.

Ovation Hall, Ocean Casino Resort.

I wouldn't go to that.

I would go to Grand Rash out.

No,

Oceans is going to be nuts.

Oceans will be sick.

This is going to be before or after the race.

After.

Oh, nice.

You get to talk about the race on the

big one.

I didn't even think about that.

The The whole time I run, I'm going to try to get a nice five-minute round.

You definitely will.

It'll be nice.

It's slated to sell out.

It might not.

It's going to sell.

That'll sell.

It's very close.

It's close.

It's close.

That thing's going to sell out.

I hope it will.

I think it will.

And, you know, even if it doesn't, we're all going to have a good time.

Guys, 8 o'clock p.m., Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th.

Go to, where did you say you're playing?

Oh, 8 p.m.

Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not as good.

I was going to do the Atlantic City Arena, but I was like, you know what?

You know what?

I'm not going to do that to my fans.

Whatever.

Go to everyone you want.

I don't even care.

August 15th, Little Caesars in Detroit.

16th, Grand Rapids.

23rd, Milwaukee.

Oh, Milly Wauke.

And then, oh, never mind.

September 6th, Notre Dame Stadium.

That'll be sick.

That's going to be a bomb and a half.

That's going to be so bad.

But I'm just going to be happy to be there.

That'll be tight.

It'll be really uncomfortable.

That's actually, yeah, now that you say that, that's actually amazing to perform at the stadium.

You should wear pads, bro.

I'm going to be at Notre Dame this weekend.

Or tomorrow.

I go to Notre Dame tomorrow.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got to strap the pads on.

Line them up.

Oh, you should wear them for your set.

If you came out in pads, dude, and slowly fucking took them off.

Took the pads off.

Just wore football pants,

sleeveless under armor.

Put a locker room bench on stage and just sit on it every now and again.

Guys, dude, this is what it's all about.

The house that Rockney built.

All right.

Go see our shows.

August 16th in

Atlantic City.

Check it out.

And one last thing.

Matt's new animated short, The Papa John Paradox, is out now on his personal YouTube channel.

And there'll be new animated shorts every Monday on Matt's personal YouTube channel.

So check those out, please.

Thank you.

Link is below.

Now let's get back to the show.

I was the valet one time, but I did do something similar where I just didn't park anyone's cars.

And I'm like, yeah, I'll take that.

And then I just left with all the money.

It was like, peace out.

This is a restaurant.

I was like, peace.

Someone hired me.

You didn't park any of the cars?

I had like one stick shift car and I couldn't drive sticks.

So I was just lumping that thing around.

And I was like, dude, can you park this?

I can get another car.

And I had like the guy do it himself.

And then I started going like, I should just direct traffic in here.

And they were handing me money.

I was supposed to give it to some guy, but he never showed up.

So I just later.

Fuck you.

And he called my friend.

I was like, just don't tell him I talked to you.

Made like 300 bucks.

That's awesome.

Did you ever have a job?

It was tight.

No, never had a job.

I never had a job.

That's so tight.

No.

Yeah.

I figured you'd been playing football the whole time.

Yeah, full-time 24-7.

Dang.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah, since I was like seven.

I remember those days.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Second I quit, my dad got me a job at a fucking factory.

He fucking killed me.

Second I quit football.

He was like, I got a job for you.

You want to be a postcity?

You can quit football?

Here, here's a job.

And it sucked.

It was worse than football.

Yeah, no, I wanted to quit when I was nine.

We started put the pads on.

I was like scared and shit.

Really?

Yeah.

Then my mom was like, you quit now, you'll quit the rest of your life.

And I was like,

I got hit with that a lot.

It was kind of right.

I kind of quit everything I've ever done.

Yeah,

they were right.

Yeah, good for them.

Yeah,

I was so the pads are the shit.

I just, yeah,

I for sure thought I was like the best football player in the world.

And then I meant to, I went to high school and was like, all right, well, figure something else out.

I'm gonna start smoking weed, actually.

Yeah, that shit's fucking hard, man.

Although, they should have.

I wish I had better coaches, man.

Yeah, they should have got you.

I wasn't D-line material.

Yeah, you're a linebacker.

Clearly, you're clearly a linebacker.

Yeah, we'll see.

I mean, was I, though?

Yeah, I can see

a middle linebacker.

5'10?

Outside?

Outside, probably.

Matt Milano style?

Yeah, you got some.

You'd a heady player.

You'd be like Keekly.

I couldn't.

You'd understand that.

You would get it.

True.

Yeah, I would.

You'd figure it out.

I'd figure out the game.

That's what I honestly thought I would in college.

Did not figure it out.

I couldn't figure it out.

I don't need to read this playbook.

I'm going to fucking figure out the offense.

I couldn't figure out one play.

Basketball is impossible.

Basketball is impossible.

You come down, pick here.

You've got to play.

You're going to get the play immediately.

Run straight into it.

I'm going to set a pick.

Yeah.

I'm going to set a pick, and hopefully, that's what I'm going to do.

I will get the ball in basketball and just throw it away immediately.

Give it to someone.

Yo, get this thing and fuck out of here, dude.

It's the worst.

I don't need this pressure.

It's the worst.

It's funny you still see that in the NBA, though.

Like, I remember trying to break a press, and it's like, dude, I can't dribble.

Don't throw me the fucking ball.

If I get trapped, we're fucked.

If I get the ball trying to break a press, it's fucking

straight in the air.

You still see it in the NBA, though.

Guys will bring the ball off the court and pass it somebody who clearly can't dribble at all.

Yeah, and they're like, they panic.

You're like, give the fuck away from him.

Yeah, that shit fucking.

Who was that?

Was it Harden towards the end with the Sixers that just suddenly couldn't dribble?

No, Harden.

I swear to God, it was Harden.

Harden had handled a whole.

He's still.

I feel like the last playoff.

He just, he kind of fizzles out in the playoffs, allegedly.

I don't even put that on him, but he, I can't, I'll never shit on his handle.

He's always

good diplomatic answer first.

James Harden.

I'm a James Hart guy.

I ain't going to shit on him.

I swear to God, I remember the end of his run in Philly of him just falling down constantly.

The ball.

I mean, that's nuts.

He's an old man now, though.

He's balls.

He does tumble sometimes, but

we're supposed to be good this year in basketball.

The East is ass.

It's going to be probably the Thunder again, is my guess.

The East, everybody got hurt on the East.

Helliburton,

Tatum.

The Knicks might be the best.

And fuck that.

True.

The Magic.

Huh?

The Magic.

The Magic.

Yeah, the Magic are probably going to be good too, actually.

They'll probably have one or two, I think.

The Sixers are going to, I don't know.

You think the Cavs will be good again?

The Cavs might be good.

I forget about them.

I didn't even see what they did last year coming.

They were great.

And then they

were playoffs.

Ass.

All right.

That's been our NBA talk.

What else is going on?

Cameron.

Cameron.

There you go.

That's honestly my.

That's the meanest thing I've ever heard anyone do.

What?

You can explain it better.

He was beefing with Cuba Gooden's brother, Omar Gooden Jr.

from like baby boy fames.

So he called him like, he was trying to say something like respectful about him.

He was trying to say that like not popular actors don't get enough money.

And he mentioned him and he called him Omar Gooden Jr.

But he's not a junior.

So he got like butthurt about being called a junior.

Yeah.

Super dumb reason to get mad and made diss tracks at Cam that aren't for real for their kind of fire.

But

then so Cam, instead of like doing any, like, rapping with him, he

like, he got him for like a movie that doesn't exist.

He booked him for a movie and had him, like, film a whole like scene for a movie, flew him out to Miami, paid him for it.

The movie's in Spanish.

The people are talking shit about Omar Gooden in Spanish, like in the scenes.

They're calling him like a fat bitch.

They're calling him like a fat bitch.

Evil.

And then

he's got Cam in like a room where he can see everything filled and he's like look at this fat nigga with his titties out just saying the meanest he punked him

did he reveal the punk at the end or he just not not to like he revealed it like yesterday he just showed it on yeah he tweeted he tweeted he did it like a video on twitter where he's like he did another diss track like unprovoked and he was like see i wasn't even gonna put this out i did that i did this for me

i was just having fun doing this but i pin he's got him signing the paperwork where it's like the end he gets his footage so he can do whatever with it it's so really mean

it's really funny though he said he's like you're on the dollar menu i got you for nothing

it might be the funniest yeah

and then there's omar i didn't know cuba gooding jr had a brother he keeps omar to the he doesn't let everybody know like i didn't know that was his brother for real for real i didn't know that either i know exactly what you're talking about i didn't know that was cuba gooding's brother I had no idea either.

He doesn't like the junior.

He should associate with him more.

It might help.

That's a crazy reason to get butthurt.

I think he was more so.

I think he was getting butthurt over lesser-known actors than Junior.

Yeah, probably.

But Ken was trying to say, like, he's a good actor.

He should get a little bit more of a bag.

And then he turned on him and he was like, well, if he'd called him Cuba Gooding Jr.

Jr., I guess he would have been mad about that.

With the double junior?

Double junior.

That would piss me off.

Junior is a high insult.

Yeah.

What are you looking at, Junior?

Junior would piss me off.

Oh, fuck.

I'll fly out of Miami and be in your movie.

You piece of shit.

It's also,

you can trick any actor with that.

We have an incredible opportunity for you.

For sure.

Yeah.

What was that documentary they did where they got the guy?

Winnie City Heat.

Where they got the guy.

Did you ever see that?

They do that to a guy.

He's the man.

He's a very funny guy.

He's a crazy guy, little, at the comedy store.

And these other guys made an entire fake movie.

They told him he was the star of an action movie and just filmed a movie of a guy that thinks he's in a movie.

It's on Windy City.

Everyone else is in on the joke.

They're fucking with him the whole time, doing like stunts, throwing him in trash cans and shit.

It's incredible.

And he never really got it.

They show him the video at the end.

They go, this was all kind of a joke.

And he loves it.

He's like, what?

He just laughs along with it.

That's

fuck yeah.

Yeah, that would.

I'm trying to think.

That would, I mean, what's his next move?

What's Omar Gooding's next move?

What's Omar Gooding Sr.'s next move?

He tries to commit violence.

Guess what?

You have to resort to violence.

Yeah, no, like, diss tracking top of that.

He has to.

He threatened a diss track, which is not going to be better than that.

And he did try to play it cool and be like, I don't care.

I had a free trip to Miami.

Like, you gave me $3,500 to cut.

But like, nah, that doesn't.

He was trying all the tricks.

It wasn't enough.

I think, yeah.

You got to walk away.

That's his next move.

He should have been like

that alone.

He should have been like, I knew it the whole time.

If I was just fucking around.

Cam also said he was like, I guess he was trying to combat it.

He was like, he said he had a show booked at an olive guard.

He's saying the meanest shit to a possible.

Yeah, you got to leave him alone.

Yeah, you got to leave Cam alone.

Somebody fakes and puts you in a fake movie.

You got to go.

That guy won.

Yeah.

Sky will stop at Truly Nothing to.

Yeah.

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Dang.

What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody, Gabriel?

The meanest thing?

I'm not a mean person.

You are.

I'm not a meanest, bro.

I told you you look good in that hat earlier.

Yeah, everybody's making fun of the hat.

Dude, you look good in the hat.

I lashed out against you when you complimented me.

I like the hat.

It goes with the front.

You said a nice hat.

I was like, shut the fuck up, dude.

It did.

And he went on my hats.

That's what you're wearing the dumbest hat I've ever seen, dude.

It's a great hat, right?

He was ready for battle.

He is.

He can't.

I'm just nervous about trying a new hat, dude.

I feel you on that, though.

You know?

I have two hats I can wear.

If I try to put on another one, I just, I like get not even out of my bathroom, and I'm like, that's what I literally did.

I put it on, looked in the mirror, took it off, and I was like, Nate, do you want this?

And they're like, it actually doesn't look bad on me.

I was like, all right, I'll try.

Maybe I'll try something different today.

Maybe it'll be different.

Who knows?

Do you ever do stand-up with a hat on?

Yeah.

I've tried.

I can't do it.

I've done it actually because I was doing a podcast and wearing it all day.

No, you rolled out.

Yeah.

That's fucking sick.

I can't do it.

I've tried it.

I wish I could be a hat man on stage.

All the greats are cool.

All the greats do it.

Yeah.

Hat on stage is a fucking power move.

So I'll roll through.

I'm like, I'm just trying out some new.

What makes it different with a hat on stage, though?

I rely heavily on how dumb my face looks.

Can't really see your lights are over.

You can't see your face.

I feel like it is reserved for GOAT status.

You have to be almost trying to hide.

Yeah.

So I try, I kind of pulled the trigger prematurely like seven years ago.

It's nothing compared to my blazer at the open, like the blade you're one of the most most embarrassing.

I wore jeans and a blazer and a t-shirt under it.

You got to bring back the look.

I thought that's how comedians dress.

That's how they dress.

No one dresses like that.

I looked.

I haven't seen it since.

Sorry.

It's how they dress.

Yeah, that was tough.

Thank you.

You guys weren't around yet.

That was at the comedy zone.

That was in Harrisburg?

It was the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, rocking a blazer off the highway at a truck stop.

Just bombing.

HBZ.

HBZ is nice, dude.

Ed Place is nice.

Yeah.

The fucking murals are crazy.

They can't give me a mural?

Yeah, what the fuck?

Everyone's got a fucking Voss has a mural.

Shrek.

Shrek's up there.

They got

Crocodile Dundee.

I can name the whole fucking mural.

I've stared at it so many times.

Dude, they got to ice somebody to give you your mural.

They got Raymond the Amish comic, Earl David Reed, Liz.

Kevin Hart's up there.

Fuck Chris Rock.

They're just tossing random people.

Oh, the Chappelle is like a racist caricature.

That's what I remember.

I remember Chappelle.

They didn't do him justice at all.

Yeah, that one was rough.

Yeah, what the fuck?

I can't get one.

They can't erase Shrek.

It's just fucking paint Shrek white.

And go, that's him.

That's Shane.

He started here.

Crocodile Dundee being up there is nuts.

I mean, at that point, they're hating on you.

I swear to God, they're hating on you.

They're hungry.

Dude, every club I'm at, you're on the wall.

They put like serious,

isn't there like non-comedy actors up there?

Jane Fonda on there.

It's like regular movies they just toss up.

That is some bullshit.

Yeah.

Although the guy who painted that wall is definitely dead now, so they got to follow him.

Everyone that's from there is dead.

True.

They're all dead.

No, they're all alive against all odds.

Every single one of them, Heath the Kweef, still going.

Thought for sure he was.

Really?

Yeah, he almost died while we were with him.

He fucking fell asleep under his trailer and froze to death.

He got stuck under his trailer in a fucking blizzard.

What?

How'd he get stuck?

I don't know.

He's down there.

He went under his trailer and froze.

That's crazy.

He's incredible.

He crushed everything.

He came back with a fucking, oh, it's a Barack baby.

Home run.

He said Barack Obama's parents had an Asian doctor, and that's how they named him.

He goes, oh, it's a Barack baby.

He was just

a beast, dude.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

His partner, do you remember his partner?

That's the big T, the cops, the cops, the cops came,

Big T.

The squad we put together in Central PA was fucking crazy.

It was homeless people.

And the truck stopped.

We were like, this is a real comedy.

I'll show you real comedy.

Just like you're following a guy, a homeless guy, who's killing.

Oh, fuck.

You got to bust out the blazer.

I might have to bust out the blazer.

It's time.

Yeah.

It's time to do the blazer.

Blazer with a v-neck t-shirt.

God damn, dude.

That would suck so bad.

Yeah, it was a black v-neck.

That's nuts.

It's nuts.

It's got to be the third smash.

It has to be.

It's literally nuts, dude.

When you're starting stand-up, you literally have to be an insane person.

That's true.

To just go, I'm going to go to this.

I don't even know one person here.

I'm just going to get on stage.

Did you go and scout one night and then go?

I scouted ahead for like a year

for a full year i was going to the comedy zone by myself watching people bomb and i was just like i'm better than them i know it no i got up there and couldn't talk

just couldn't speak and i got in my car and i was like

because i was like i don't need to write i'm just funny i got on stage

just

left

I was like, next time I'm going to write.

Like two years later, I went back.

Yeah, I feel like my first time doing stand-up, I wasn't even supposed to go on, but they like called my name, and I just killed for

Steve Harvey shit.

Steve Harvey's like, I went out there and I killed for an hour, and they said, You gotta come back here.

I never heard Guard Dog.

When was your first show?

When did you get up there?

I tried it once when I was 20 in like a coffee shop on Temple's Can.

It was tough, but it was very fun, and I have a nice memory because Chris Markell was there.

Nice.

He was hilarious.

He was so funny.

He had a sunny deep bottle filled with water, and he pretended that it was his penis, and he was squirting it at everybody drinking coffee.

Yeah, he was

not afraid to use props.

It was awesome.

He was very funny with those props.

It was also funny when he disappeared for a year and he came back.

I was like, What happened?

He goes, I got chased by the cops on a dirt bike and got arrested.

He also made props, other people's props, go into his bag at the end of the night.

He was not afraid to find some extra props lying around, like iPhones.

Who's though did he grab?

I think Mecky.

He got Mexico.

He got the Mexic.

The funniest kid to get.

Yeah.

So funny.

Yeah, he was the man.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I miss those Hairsprick Commie Zone days.

Yeah, it is fun.

Especially the first

couple years once you're like, I'm about to get 40 bucks to do 10 minutes at a winery.

It's going to be sick.

Winery shows were awesome.

Yeah, they're sick.

Yeah, that was, especially when you start doing good in the open mic scene.

You're like, I'm the fucking coolest guy that's ever lived on a Thursday night.

I get to go to one place where I'm actually cool.

You get to be mean to all the new people getting fucking sucked.

Or if somebody's good, you're like, he's a fucking guy's a bitch.

I don't even like him.

He sucks, dude.

He's stealing everything right there.

That's a Daniel Toss joke, just so you know.

Yeah, you just, everyone stand ups pretty hard.

That's a real cauldron of hatred.

I'll go up there and do it for $40.

That's a good deal.

Dude, you'd be stoked to take that one.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm still out of that.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

I think you saw me do that last night.

No, no.

Yeah, I think that was 40 or 50 bucks.

Where'd you cop Fody from?

Probably the mothership.

What's that?

At the LB or the Big Boy?

Big Boo.

Big Boy.

Oh, really?

Yeah, pump it up, bro.

Nice.

Yeah, it's generos.

Yeah, that's way more than $40.

Oh, yeah, it's Rogan does that.

Every other, like, the

seller, the seller's like on a weeknight, probably $50.

Yeah, Rogie's.

So what's like the process in the comedy world to get to the top?

You just keep fucking backstab.

Can I

backstab?

Can I start a podcast, get fired for messing around?

It's the only way.

That's what I tell every time a host has asked me, yo, Phil, I started a podcast, how do I get traction?

I'm like, dude, here's what you got to do.

I was like, do it for like five years and then pray to God your co-host becomes really famous.

And they're like,

you can just find someone you think is funny and just go, dude, I hope you make it.

So if you You watch the light just drain out of their eyes.

They're like, yeah, that's it.

That's all you got.

Yeah, you just get lucky.

You keep doing it.

Yeah.

But yeah, at first, you got to be.

Yeah,

me personally, I had to be like depressed and shameless.

Because when did you start?

It's really embarrassing.

When did you start?

20.

I was 21, 22.

Yeah.

I was 21.

Yeah.

Same thing?

Yeah, around 22.

Yeah.

21.

You start popping off around like your 30s.

No, the whole time, it's fun, though.

Cause like you get little, I'm saying pop off like yeah, I was like, I'd say 31, 30.

Yeah, but like the whole time, there's like a little thing where they're like, Yeah,

they're like, You get to host this weekend, and you're like, holy shit.

Oh, it's crazy.

I'm getting 25 bucks.

And then you get to tell everybody around, like, yeah, I get paid technically.

I'm a professional.

Yep.

There's just little things all the time.

And then you're like, I'm going to be a feature someday.

Yep.

And you get to do that.

And the first time you have to drive anywhere, you're like, I'm on the fucking road.

It was crazy.

Road trip.

I blew it, dude.

Earl David Reed took me to Pittsburgh, to Mars, Pennsylvania, and I was like, bro, we did it.

I was watching like Entourage.

I was with my boys.

I was like, yo, you guys are coming with me on the road.

I got a hotel room in Mars, Pennsylvania.

Got out there.

Four locos had just come out.

Got fucking blitz, literally blacked out before the show.

Crashed a wedding that was at the hotel.

They hated us.

They tried to fight us.

Then they saw my face on the flyer and they're like, this fucking guy's at the hotel.

He's in this bar.

He's doing stand-up.

A bridal party showed up.

It was like, you motherfucking piece of shit.

And I was wearing a suit that I wore to, I was wearing a suit again.

I'm a fucking suit comic, dude.

No, I was wearing a suit that we got.

We all got suits from Salvation Army so we could crash the wedding.

Oh my gosh.

I was still in a, I was in an unbuttoned suit covered in red stains from four locos, just dying.

Literally bombing as hard as you can bomb, dude.

Because they were like, the host didn't show up.

Can you feature?

I was like, yeah, for sure.

Can you do 25?

I was like, no fucking problem.

I bombed so bad that the guy who ran the club was like, what do you do?

I was like, I go to college, and he was like, what are you studying?

And I was like, history.

I could be a teacher.

He was like, yeah, you should do that.

He's like, don't do stand-up's not for you.

Just become a history teacher.

Do you know where that guy is now?

I know the club's gone and he's probably dead.

He probably died knowing I should have been a history teacher.

He didn't know it was going to work.

Yeah, he was, yeah, that was kind of fucked up.

Yeah, it was really funny.

But I get it.

There's so many fucking young

comics, and when you see him in there, dude, if a kid, this is my first show, showing up drunk in a fucking suit.

He should have known.

If he knew anything about comedy, like, dude, this guy

rules.

Guy fucking rules.

All those, like, more,

a lot of the places you got paid initially were like very old crowds, and they were run by the most serious dickheads ever and they were so mean they really would be like lording over you yeah and hand you an envelope of like 40 bucks at the end of the night and be like yo don't ever make fun of the host ever again if you want to work in this town and you're like dude yeah they hit you they tell you how to do it like i did uh

uncle vinny's yeah and that guy got on my ass i don't even know if it was the main manager but somebody there was like four people in the club it was literally four old people eating just at an italian restaurant and i was lying i was like this is new material i'm just messing around because i was bombing yeah i was bombing so badly that i was like this is i'm just trying out stuff it was my best stuff

and then i get he's like come outside talk to me i was like all right he was like don't ever use this as a workout room this is a club

okay there's four fucking people eating spaghetti

the fuck

yeah they do the best is when i i got i used to do the comedy do you ever do the comedy cabaret Yeah, it was raw.

It would stunk pretty bad.

Wait, wait, where was it?

It was all over.

It'd be like

restaurants, hotels.

And I remember I did a night, and I finally, I was like, all right, I feel like I did okay.

The guy's like, here's your pay, good job.

And I like, something told me, like, open it in front of him.

I opened the envelope.

It's just completely empty.

And I was like, yo, bro, where's my fucking money?

And he was like,

what the hell?

It's empty, dude.

Let me fall out of here.

It was just a single envelope.

I was like, you motherfucker.

That's great.

What the hell?

That's good shit.

Yeah, you got to be kind of a scumbag to be running.

And those shows were not like lucrative.

It's crazy.

There was the one guy.

He used to, I forget, I forget his name.

He would book all these shows almost near like the Poconos.

Yeah.

And like, he just, he didn't have a phone.

He would book comedy shows.

You have to like call his girlfriend and be like, yo, is uh, I forget his name.

Is he there?

And they should be like, hold on a second.

He'd just be whacked out on perks.

Like, yeah, dude, you're fucking shit.

Killer, bro.

You're like a cross.

Never actually, I guess those guys did probably make some money.

Some of those, you get like 200 people.

You can make, yeah, you can make 10 bucks of pay the fucking 800.

You make a nice 800 and just kind of, yeah, some of the well, it's really, there's a there's like a level of it that's completely run by the meanest, oldest, fattest Italian.

Old fucking WAPs, and then literally schizophrenic, depressed kids.

That's a crazy industry.

Yeah, but you get little things the whole time that make it, you know,

with the coal hole.

That was a big one for me.

That was the best, bro.

It was like the first time I ever headlined.

We drove up to the coal region in Pennsylvania, did like an empty church.

It was, it was B-Y-O-B, dude.

We got fucking hammered in there with them.

It was nice.

I remember there was a puddle outside of it that was huge, and I jumped the puddle, and I was like, fuck it.

Best night of my life.

That's all I remember.

That was fun, though.

That might have been one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Yeah, that was a good one.

Just going off the cuff of for the coal hole people.

Yeah, the coal hole people loved it.

They was talking about like Jewish golems.

Yeah, I remember that.

I was like, I'm a Jewish golem.

If you put a note in my mouth, I'll fight you.

You tell me what to do.

All the coal miners were like, ah.

Yeah, they loved it.

Oh, yeah.

Coal miners?

Sure.

Great town.

Yeah.

I think that was Jim Thorpe.

I was up there.

Yeah.

Great town.

Shit fucking ruled.

Yeah, we need factories back.

Dude, we do.

We need something.

We really do need to start like, because offices are fucking lame, man.

Yeah.

That's the new factory.

Like, everyone's crammed into this office.

We got to figure out what to do with people who are

the factories.

Yeah, just like

people need to be thrown somewhere every day and just fucking whistles and stuff

and it's a good life yeah you get paid you go you go fucking that's the problem is the standard yeah giving someone enough money to live because i feel like now it's just like you give them enough to get access to debt yeah and it's like yeah dude you can get a house but you're going to be in debt till you die and then you know wipe it yeah we can't just all play games all the time some of us have to work yeah dude bro today

today was a nuts good work today was a nut thing that's how you work we got in the pool together.

We got to get you in right now.

Yeah, we all hung out.

We watched him play.

It's a good day.

But yeah, you're working on

a day in the life, dude.

It's all World War II games.

I was like, there's no way he does this every day.

Lay in the pool for a while.

Yeah.

It's a good day.

Buddy, though,

he's a mental worker, dude.

The whole time I'm playing the game, I'm going, oh, that's a good bit.

Got another one.

I'm not thinking about it.

I haven't thought once.

I haven't thought once today.

Yeah, I wish someone would blow the whistle and stop me from thinking.

That'd be nice.

That's what, yeah.

Yeah, true.

That's all it is.

That's what sports are.

That's why I like sprinting.

You sprint, you just stop sprinting, and I like being underwater.

Being underwater.

Being underwater, dude, you stop thinking completely.

Yeah.

Just lay underwater.

Everyone gets quiet.

You go down there.

Dude, I give it to my kids all the time.

I'll be in the pool with them.

I go,

disappear.

30 seconds, pop up.

I'm like, yo, that was awesome.

The pool was ruined today.

There were some wasps.

The wasps were getting

killing the vibe.

They harshed it.

Yeah, they were killing the vibe.

What kind of wasps are you working with?

There was little tiny guys that they always drink out of my pool.

They're okay.

All right, they're skinny.

Then there was a monster.

What color was it?

It was black.

Black and horny.

It might be a mud dawlber.

They're not really aggressive.

They're scary.

Then a big fucker, the biggest fucker I've ever seen showed up.

Yikes.

And I don't think it was a wasp, but it was.

I don't know what that thing was.

Yeah, it was horny.

He was like a locust.

Nah, nah.

It's a football.

Yeah, that was huge.

That's kind of fucked up.

I have those mud daubers in my house, and I looked them up.

They're like the black wasp with the super detached like body and they're like not aggressive they're not aggressive at all yeah it was that guy he seemed aggressive he was just getting in everyone's face no yeah maybe so they're just oh he's even big they're huge they're okay is he a hornet or is it a no one a hornet skinny boy

yeah a long skinny uh thorat yeah the detached thorat you're right and usually they only attack if you with their nest we have them in my like attic yeah you got them and they they like get lost and they end up in my house every now and again and they're you open the door and they fly right out okay and they're dumbasses dude.

Yeah, fuck them.

Yeah, they like,

what do they do?

Oh, they like eat bugs and then feed them to their like babies in their little nest.

So they're good for pest control.

They're good for pest control.

They're having a good time.

I can't believe the mud dauber is getting your face.

They were, yeah, they were on us.

Dude, I had dreams last night.

I had two ferrets.

I woke up salty.

That wasn't the case.

Fuck.

They were so sick.

I had a mom and a baby ferret.

And I all night just played with ferrets in my dreams and woke up.

And I even showed my daughter.

I was like, you ever see a ferret before?

Just Just see if you start getting ferrets.

She's into them.

Dude, they're the same.

That's what you should get is a ferret.

You think, yeah, I could get like six or seven ferrets.

Oh, you can get this place.

You can get this place tough.

You can just bottom out.

And what you do is, you know, like the tubing that hooks up to like your dryer vent?

Yeah.

You just put that shit all around your house and they just go nuts in your house all day.

I'm talking.

Bro, I'm telling you.

Five tubes lining this fucking ceiling.

Yeah, a little skywalking.

10 to 15 ferrets.

Yeah.

I'm just going crazy the whole time.

Can't sleep at night.

There's ferrets running, sprinting through my room.

They would chill.

They'd get on my schedule.

You could lock them down.

They'd get on my schedule.

They would.

They'd be so stoked.

Just chilling on the couch watching fucking Holdfast.

Bro, I'm telling you, watch some ferret videos.

I lived one.

I lived one for like a night last night.

It was fucking awesome.

That is awesome.

I don't know.

Yeah, I was like, I don't know where it came from.

I haven't been thinking about ferrets.

You know the difference between a ferret and a weasel?

What's that?

Weasel's wild.

Same animal.

You're crazy.

I swear to God.

I never knew that.

Yeah, weasels is a wild animal.

Is ferret's just a domesticated weasel?

Or is it just in the weasel family?

Isn't that a ferret?

No, I think they're the same fucking thing.

I looked it up today.

I believe you.

I didn't know if I wanted a ferret or a weasel.

And I looked it up.

I was like, no, that was a ferret.

Isn't it a weasel?

Is it a weasel family?

Is that all those fucking things?

I'm not sure.

I guess that's what I saw.

What's a fink?

Isn't that a fink?

Mink?

Yeah, a fucking idiot.

Minko.

Mink coat.

Minko, yeah.

Mink coat.

What is it?

Matt, I regret to inform you that they they are related, but they are not the same animals.

Well, that's

the same fucking thing.

I'm sorry.

No, you're right.

This AI summary fucked me, dude.

It's not my fault.

Yeah, that's not true.

That's AI bullshit.

Sorry.

What's the difference?

It is pretty much the same, but they said it's like a domesticated cousin, so they're slightly different.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

I see what you're saying.

Yeah, they're not the exact.

Same species?

Can you put them up next to each other?

Because I feel like they look exactly the same.

Ferrets have to be wild animals.

You're pretty.

Yeah, you are right, though.

Doesn't count now.

You just told me I was fucking dumb as a

look at some pictures of ferrets, and you're not wrong, Matt.

Beauty pies, it'd be nice to have these guys running around.

That's what I'm saying.

Look at that.

Wouldn't you like that?

You can put him on a leash, too.

You don't want that fucking guy.

Yeah, that's fucking good.

Look at that guy.

That's a young ferret.

Dude, they just jumped.

Killing shit.

Looks like a good time.

Yeah, they're mischievous, though.

They are mischievous.

It makes me think of the gerbil video he should have made.

He's got gerbils in his pants.

This guy broke into a fucking pet shop.

They found him on a bench asleep.

They like rip him off the bench.

They have to cut his pants open.

And they're like, there's fucking gerbils.

He's got gerbils in his pants.

He passed out with gerbils.

What did they do with the gerbs?

Did they catch him or let him go?

Yeah, they were all holding him.

I don't know.

We didn't get that far, but

in the backstory, there was just animals.

There's puppies outside.

There was parrots and shit on the sidewalk.

He broke easily.

Yeah, he threw a rock through the window and got in there and freed all the animals and fell asleep.

He recorded himself as Mr.

Pancakes.

So as soon as they ripped off the bench, it was rewarding.

The what?

It was watching him watch cops ripping a homeless guy off a bench that just broke into a pet shop.

Pretty great.

I think he was on a bench like right next to it.

And I guess that guy just goes to Crazy House.

I don't even think they have crazy houses anymore.

That's nuts.

You gotta just let him out on the street.

Whose idea was that?

Liberals.

Fucking liberal, liberal, liberals.

Turns out having mental hospitals might have been a good idea.

Yeah, the problem is we

in the 90s, they used to kick their ass.

That's the problem.

You're nuts.

We got to lock him up, dude.

He's a sicko.

He's a real sicko when you get to know him for real.

I just keep thinking of last night.

That's why.

It was a fun time.

It was.

Chill sash?

Or like what was good?

Yeah, good chill sash.

Nice.

Yeah, it was good.

We had a killer sash, chill, wow, wow, wait, all right, we're back on the record, back on the rec

chill sash, probably wrap it up, yeah.

We're at an hour,

yeah.

This is a good chill sesh today.

Cool, yeah.

No one's no one really got less uh uncomfortable the entire show.

No, I thought we were for sure we were gonna break through.

Hey, man, it's the whole time when you're staring out to these.

There's fucking 10 guys in here,

everyone's just looking at you.

I know, I didn't like looking over there.

I had to keep like looking at it, Everyone's just quiet.

I'm going to keep looking this way.

It's like an interrogation.

Yeah.

Well,

good stuff.

Matt, I wish you the best in the race.

You're going to fucking torch him.

Dude, I think I'll do my best.

That's all I can do.

And if it turns out you're lying about this hat and I find out that people were making fun of me for wearing this.

That's not my fault.

That is definitely your fault, dude.

I would have never worn it.

I think it's a good hat.

It's going to the bees no matter what, but

you broke my heart today.

It does have a bad day.

It broke my heart today.

Obviously, it's a bees hat.

I was giving you a compliment, and I thought about how much the bees would love the hat.

Simple and plain.

Simple as.

All right, Gabriel, do you have anything to tell us?

No, I appreciate y'all having me on.

Yeah,

it's a long time coming.

It's good.