Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots

Wow!

Wow, wow, Wes.

Hey.

What's up, guys?

How are you?

You saw what I was up to.

That was awesome.

New game, Hold Fast.

Gotta give them steel, Eddie.

Yeah, that is nice.

I like that.

I like the musket reload, man.

Musket reload's nice.

Guys screaming.

I like the community.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's a community thing for me.

They should, with the respawn, the community is nice with all the guys going.

Taking it an American server.

Yeah.

Then they're not saying Vive La France.

They're saying the N-word.

You got to report them.

Yeah, they say it so much that it gets to the point where I'm sitting here by myself, like, come on, guys.

Yeah, guys, this is.

I don't like that dog.

It's enough that I'm the one that's like offended.

I'm like, God damn.

These guys are really actually.

Well,

they got to be.

You can hear like kids.

They are little kids.

I saw a thing online where a guy was talking to a kid in a game and he goes, yo, man,

like you won some like Fortnite skin.

Let me talk to your mom.

I'm going to get all the information, put it together.

As soon as the mom got on there, he he goes, Your son just said the N-word to me and just lied, just made it up.

And the kid's mom was like, Are you using bad language?

Damn.

That could have got any of us.

No, mom, I wasn't.

He's lying.

I was mom was like, we're using bad language.

We're using naughty language again.

Please stop.

Naughty language.

She was pretty much, she handled it with like potty mouth energy.

Like, come on.

The N-word is definitely potty mouth.

It's super potty mouth.

Yeah.

Super potty mouth stuff, dude.

Yeah, it's.

See, that's what I've been up to just yeah just holding holding the line giving them steel

just sitting in my house by myself laying on this couch that's so sick giving them steel so sick i got i uh the highlight of my week so far has definitely be been i got a um

a thing for my bed that keeps it cold all the time so i sleep on like a 55 degree

that's incredible it's dude it got so cold last night i got scared i was like what if i get pneumonia

It's crazy how scared you get at night.

Dude, especially when I-

It was crazy.

It's pretty embarrassing.

I mean, it's literally the witching hour.

It's spooky.

I need, LeMaire, I need you back.

Yeah.

I need you back.

When's your lease up?

February.

Fuck it.

I need you in the perimeter.

Yeah.

Guarding.

The ring camera is a terrible choice.

Dude, it goes off.

It goes off at three in the morning because of fucking possums and shit.

Yeah, there'll be like a box across the street.

And it's like, you know, we detected live movement.

It's like, dude, those things are so annoying.

Are you a part of the ring community as well?

Yeah, they were every day.

Somebody on crack is like, why is this helicopter circling?

Every single day.

No, no.

Helicopter.

Yesterday, the internet went out and I got 40 notifications.

I had to turn it off.

Yeah, it's really annoying.

We had one in Philly, and I was like, I just took it off my phone.

I was like, I don't want to.

Someone breaks into my house, I'll just won't solve it.

I'll dispatch them.

Yeah.

Steal.

I'll give them true.

True.

Try to bayonet somebody.

That would be, yeah.

I mean, you really can.

What states didn't, it's California, I think.

I think California passed it where you can't shoot somebody in your house, which is kind of the whole point of buying a house.

Yeah.

Yeah, the whole point is hopefully you can shoot someone.

Yeah.

Like

we're fucked.

You're the leaseholder right now.

So you could kill all of us and be like, guys, I told them to get out.

Told him.

They didn't.

I'd probably bayonet all of you.

Yeah, true.

Now I would jump three times.

If you jump, I can't bayonet.

All you have to do is stand still.

You have to move slightly, and I cannot bayonet.

That's kind of the move in that game.

Just stand still and just move a little bit.

Yeah.

That was like the cheat in Madden where people would stop with, and you'd run, run, run.

It was like impossible to get the person.

Those are the days.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Cousin would be Mike Vick, and you're like, you're a fucking piece of shit.

The energy in here is.

Yeah, what the hell is going on?

The noxious boys are just.

Is something happening in the news or something that you guys are all.

What's going on?

We did a screen time check.

I think we got six hours.

Sean wouldn't disclose.

Nate got seven.

Seven's.

Seven's a little high.

Seven's bad.

What were you rocking with?

I don't know.

I've never

seen a shame.

When I heard you guys talking, then, all right, I'm good.

I can feel superior to you.

What were you rocking with?

I did hit an eight last week.

That's a rough one, but typically pretty low.

It's not bad.

Not bad.

I thought it was higher.

Speaking of screen time, let's add to it.

What's going on?

I'm at 2.35 right now.

Let me check my text real quick.

Two hours, 35 minutes.

Yeah, I got, I've been trying to, like, even watching movies, I have to throw my phone.

Oh, yeah.

Because I'll just keep picking it up.

The second the movie lulls, I go, let's look at you.

Yeah, I, I, one time, the first time I've ever seen somebody do something like that, I was in somebody's, unfortunately, I was in a man's bedroom, but I wasn't having sex with him.

I was selling a marijuana, but I was in a man's bedroom, and uh, He was doing TV,

stereo.

He had TV on, was playing music, and just hitting the phone all at once.

I remember being, this was like years ago.

I remember being like, what the fuck?

Yeah, that's terrible.

It was crazy.

You're just getting rocking, man.

You're just firing everything up and just being like, I don't want to think at all.

I remember being struck by that.

But yeah, the movie, I do the phone while my kids watch TV.

And I even, even during that, I feel just like a fucking lump.

They're just staring at a screen and I'm like.

dipping out on the couch next to them.

Like, yeah.

Anytime they look at my screen, I'm like, yo, don't look at that.

Don't look at that.

It's fucked up.

You'll actually find that very offensive.

No matter when you're in the middle of the day.

No matter what I'm looking at.

Yeah.

It's either going to be a girl or it's going to be a terrorist attack.

I watched a guy, a bridge collapse yesterday in Ukraine.

Oh, no.

Terrifying.

Just a guy on it.

One guy?

He was like welding.

Yeah.

Pretty terrible.

He hit the one part that the entire thing collapsed.

And it was like, holy fuck, it was terrifying.

Dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, that fucking sucks.

I'd like to think i've i've ran the drill mentally of like getting out of the car the bridge collapses you like pop the thing swim out but i feel like you sink really fast

what do you mean if you're in a car first of all the impact of falling off the bridge in your car and hitting the water has got to be a rough impact if you're yeah if you're in your car that'll be tough you're done i think you're done yeah i don't bridge collapse you're you're dead just from debris alone debris is gonna land on you you're gonna yeah yeah but then it depends how high the bridge is you're probably just gonna die

what type of bridge are we talking?

We'll go like.

We're talking crossing the mighty Susquehanna.

Susquehanna alone would fucking carry you, bro.

Susquehanna is a little shallow.

Is it really?

It's a shallow river.

I mean, I'm sure there's deep parts, but yeah, you'd hit some rocks.

That'd be a

negative time.

Then you got to swim out of like.

That's a new bridge.

The turnpike's putting together some great bridges.

Yeah,

come on.

Pennsylvania taxpayer.

I'm not going anywhere.

If I was a Pennsylvania taxpayer, I'd be happy as hell.

I'd be happy as hell with the bridges.

The infrastructure.

The bottle is not great.

But yeah, I love the turnpike.

What's going on with this country's infrastructure?

Are we going to build some fucking roads or what?

I feel like they're building roads every single place I've ever been.

Dude, it's not stopped.

And they're not done.

No, they'll never be done.

They're fucking, they're literally, they're everywhere.

Yeah.

They're shutting down like the highway near my house for a while.

COVID should have been

a boom.

Yo.

You know?

Where the fuck were the roads?

Yeah, a boon.

It's a boon.

It should have been a boon.

Yeah, we should have came back.

If you listen closely, that

I hedged my bet there a little because I wasn't sure if it was a boomer.

Boomer, boon.

So I was like, it's boon.

Yeah, it should have been the infrastructure boon.

It really should have been, man.

Yeah.

Let's get a...

I don't know if they did that.

Did they do that when everybody was chilling?

No.

Nobody remembered.

I was afraid.

They fired everybody.

They fired everybody.

People had no choice other than to fucking...

Pop their wives.

Or pop their wives.

You get unemployed long enough, dude.

After like three days, you start getting the itchy.

I'm going to fucking

hang out there way too long.

Let's uh break it up this one too.

That is a sad fact about humanity that if you like lose your job, it's just a matter of time.

Yep, you're gonna just,

yeah, because you're embarrassed, you're yeah, you're ashamed.

Yeah,

she starts going, you're pathetic.

Oh my god, you say that before the fight, yeah, that would wait till I talk to me after the bell rings, you know.

Yeah, true.

That's the way it's the fucking khabib.

Now we talk,

we talk now.

I mean, they were just hyping up the fight.

They're trying to sell some tickets.

That's the pre-fight.

That's the pre-fight, man.

They're going to hit the McGregor.

They're going to go, it's just business, man.

You're going to go, no, now we talk.

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Yeah,

I don't know.

I wonder if those Dagestanis ever put hands on their women.

Yes.

Yes.

They probably don't strike.

They probably just go straight to the ground, dude.

Boring-ass

goes five rounds.

They just wear them out.

Their neighbors are like, oh, come on, man.

This is boring.

Stand up.

This is boring, man.

Stand and bang.

Yeah, I bet those Dagestanis just wrestle the shit out of their women.

Yeah, I just feel like...

Yeah, you can just tell.

Yeah, dude.

I don't think they hit the right eye.

That face.

That face, you think they're going, like, babe, I see where you're coming from.

I think they're women, no.

Yeah.

That guy's.

He's going to get you.

They probably have like entrance music.

Oh, yeah, true.

Their faces are covered.

See, are the Daghestini babes' faces covered?

I don't think.

They're pretty devout Muslims, so I assumed they would be.

Yeah, good point.

With the eyes, you could just see.

I need to see that mouth, man.

Yeah, you can catch a little condescending glance.

That's what I'm saying.

Or you just see that

you know yeah shredder flap just moving you know they're talking and you're like what did you say yeah what did you say now we talk nothing uh smash you smash

dude i read something recently i i'll be honest i was trying to figure out if there was a historical record of europeans first encountering chinese and japanese people like what was their general impression if they've never seen them before like

My honest question was like, is there historical records of them being like, dude, it was

polo you can get some yeah dude yeah they talked about polo yeah you can get some uh especially the jesuits going to like japan yeah dude the japanese were fucking wild rocking those dudes yeah they were just

yeah they were they were like but they apparently they were super the uh the japanese were like super curious especially about religious stuff and that's what kind of got them because they would like fuck people up but the missionaries came through the missionaries came through and got tortured for like 400 years they got bucked for sure and then eventually i think it was the dutch that that started being able to trade.

Because it was a

no one was allowed to trade there.

Yeah.

And then the Dutch started being like, come on, guys.

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on.

Let us

chill.

Let us have one port.

We're cute.

The Dutch.

Why do they get away from like, because every other European country, it's, I mean, it's obviously well documented.

They were bad boys, but like.

The Dutch were real bad mothers.

They were bad mothers.

They were going crazy.

They got India, Japan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everyone always talks about Britain.

You know what?

No, you don't really hear about like the Dutch, the Deutsches.

The Dutch went wild.

Yeah, they were fucking.

But then they got back to Amsterdam.

We're like, yo, brother, we're just chilling, man.

Chillin, man.

What was their fucking province?

Fuck, I forget what they were called.

Didn't they have the Dutch trading?

It was not Holland.

Yeah, it was the Dutch East Indies.

Dang.

Dutch.

Well, they came out with those.

They came out with those blunts and just cashed in.

Dutch mastery, yeah.

Like, yo, we were.

I'm forgetting their name.

The name of the country.

It wasn't Holland or Netherlands.

It was

province,

some bullshit.

I don't know.

Oh, they had like a Prussia pre-country kind of thing.

Hey, what the fire?

I didn't even know that, to be honest.

Yeah, they were going wild.

Huh?

That's one of them, but

whatever.

I'm sorry.

That's OG.

Don't be sorry, buddy.

OG Dutch.

There's nothing we can do about it.

I'm just going off of.

Nope.

But that's okay.

Yeah, you know.

You know what's crazy?

So I was reading, so I did grok that question.

I did want to see if European dudes just like went to China and just at first were like, just a little, just a little bit.

It's like, because I was trying to, I was like, it is funny.

Like, I'm not even being mean.

It's like, it's funny.

The first time to never hear like a hardcore, like, straight from Chinese or straight from China, Chinese guy talk.

If you've never seen that before, I was wondering, like, is it inherently funny or, you know, am I a jerk?

Because I would make in the argument, like, it is kind of inherently funny.

Yeah.

It just is.

Like, it makes me laugh.

That's fair.

Yeah, just seeing, like, an old Asian dude, like, move around or, like, yell, it's, it's funny.

I think they were doing, I don't know.

I don't know how funny it would be because I think they were doing their own thing.

The thing that makes it funny is when they're acting Western.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Kind of doing it wrong.

Yes.

I think you're 100%.

You're wearing a business suit to like jog.

Like, just slightly off.

There's something funny about it.

That's exactly what it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Because

they were just purely impressed.

They were like, yo, these dudes are fucking legit.

They went over there and they're like, the weird thing, though, so the Chinese apparently were like, if you visited, they were like super hospitable.

Japanese weren't very hospitable, I guess, at first.

Chinese were super hospitable.

And they would even be like, yo, if my life, if my wife thinks you're hot, you can fuck my wife, but I got to make sure she's cool with it.

So if you like were a house guest, they'd be like, yo, you can fuck my wife.

Just I got to make sure she's down with it.

China might not be asshole.

China's not asshole, dude.

China could.

They were getting propagandized.

China did not live, dude.

That is, and it's like, when was Marco Polo?

I don't even know.

15?

1500s?

Yeah, Marco Polo went over there with his boys, and apparently they were just like,

do your thing.

13.

Yeah.

Yeah, we were.

That was Mongurians.

Yes, it was apparently it was a Mongolian custom that the Chinese had adopted.

Mongolians are freaky assistants.

Mongolians are freak boys.

Freaky freaks.

Freakin the last guys you want to see, dude.

Freaky ass boys.

Which is funny.

That was like, that was an accepted custom at the time.

Like, oh, dude, yeah.

Here's some, here's some food.

And also.

Also, you want a little pussy?

Yeah.

If you're horny, also, I got some pussy here.

It'd be rude of me not to have you empty the sack.

It's just crazy.

I want you to be able to sleep comfortably.

You can't go to sleep with a full sack.

Come on, man.

Plow my wife.

Plow my wife, please.

Plow my wife.

Plow my wife.

Hey.

Yeah, that was fucking wild, man.

Because I was like, what if, like, you know, because obviously the Europeans did kind of dominate culture pretty hard, but it's like, man, if it went the other way,

what if China dominated us and we all had to cuck out just to be, you know, nice, to be nice?

I don't say cuck, you know, I say it more like the ultimate host kind of way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Super host, Airbnb.

Super host.

Five seven super host.

4.2 stars.

Well, I suppose he was kind of trash.

Back patio was kind of cool, though.

Walls were thin as hell, made out of fucking paper.

Fell through the wall in the middle of the night.

Yeah, that's just walked right through it, hammered, Kool-Aided into their fucking bedroom.

Yeah, they were thin walls.

So you'd be like, all right, thanks.

And you would plow the dude's wife behind a piece of construction paper.

That's why they're quiet.

Man,

they're so quiet.

They're just generations of like, hey, man, that's fucking.

Oh, fuck that guy.

Yeah, true.

Fuck that guy.

Man, that is so, that is just like, for real.

I was like reading that.

I'm like, that is so nice to be like, yo, man, you got, how long was your, how long was your a bunch of guys, you're on a boat with a bunch of guys for six months.

Dude, come on.

It's time.

Plow my wife.

But then it'd be crazy if you'd be like, let me check.

And your wife's like, I'm not playing that dude.

You'd have to come out to you and be like, bro.

My wife's not really feeling you, dude.

Bad news.

She's tired again.

I got bad news.

Your stomach's upset.

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But I think back, I feel like in,

and this is just from reading Shogun, this is, I'm jumping to Japan now.

I feel like being a prostitute back then was like somewhat respected.

It was like a world, it was called the Willow World.

It was like you were just totally dedicated to pleasures, and it was like a

whorehouse was like a magical place.

You'd be like, It's time for me to go over there.

Yeah, they always write like that.

Yeah, I've seen a lot of those things where it's like, oh, the brothel, what a glorious.

It's like that must have been a fucking shithole.

Oh, yeah.

Well, must have been disgusting.

No, they were clean.

They were super, super clean.

Dude, it was funny.

According to European standards, they're like, dude, they're taking like five baths.

European standards were so bad.

Crazy.

They were like, the Chinese take like six baths a month, six baths a month.

These guys are the cleanest guys.

Who was it?

There was like a king that took like three baths in a year and everyone in England was like, this fucking pussy.

He thinks he's better than us.

He took like three.

He was so Metro.

He was Metro.

They probably killed him.

Oh, am I?

Fucking idiot.

I've been battling for America on the hold fast.

Really?

The British don't like us.

What the fuck?

On video games, everybody hates everybody, so everyone just...

Fair.

You get some USA chance going with all the other Americans.

It's very funny.

So what's the war?

The thing they're getting us on now is Epstein.

And that hurts, dude.

Getting called.

They're like, oh, well, what about the whole country's pedophiles?

I know.

I was tossing some of them in.

What about Prince Andrew, Bruce?

I said, Prince Andrew.

Was it Bat Mountbatten?

Who's that guy?

Wasn't that the guy's name?

The IRA blew him up, and I think it was a pedophile.

Their country is literally run by pedophiles, dude.

Look into the royal family.

Yeah, but when you're screaming into a headset,

he's taking time to fucking.

Hold on, guys.

Hold on, guys.

I feel like you're maligning my country right now.

Dude, speaking of

the political debates, I watched Dave Smith's recent debate with this guy from the New York Times.

How'd it go?

It's the funniest.

It might be the funniest video I've ever seen in my life.

New York Times is probably not ready for.

It's an ex-New York Times guy, and it's like...

He comes off right off the bat.

He comes out hot.

He's like, yeah, dude, he calls Dave Smith a Holocaust denier.

Dave Smith actually, he actually denies that he denies the Holocaust, so he's a Holocaust denier, denier.

Nice.

So he comes out and he's like, when did I say that?

And he brought up a clip from 10 years ago of him with, with, doesn't look great, Richard Spencer,

10 years ago.

And Dave is talking to him, and he jokingly, he does a joke.

He obviously says it like, you know, the fun way, being like, well, that didn't happen as a joke.

And this guy make that joke.

It's funny.

It's a funny joke.

It's a funny joke.

What the fuck?

When you're with your friends.

It's kind of run its course, though.

Yeah, you can't.

Now it's popular.

Yeah, people are really hitting that joke.

Yes.

Yeah, you can get a nice little...

Tell you what, I hear a lot of people ask me, like, you know, what can I do for my podcast?

It's like, honestly, if you want to get numbers quick,

look into some alternative history.

Some alternative history going.

Next time a host asked me in a comedy club, like, yo, like, you have any advice?

Like, bro, look into it.

Look into LiDAR.

Look into wooden doors.

Base your personality around that.

All right.

Buy a fuck ton of Bitcoin because they're going to take your account away.

But yeah, he was just like, Dave got, he bullied him.

Like, very, it was, it was hard to watch because he just bullied this man so hard.

And then it evolved to the point where

they started calling each other names.

Like, they're going to fight.

It was so fucking bad.

Dude, Bailey New York Times was mad.

Bailey New York Times hit him with the libs love this.

They go, you're little man.

They hit him with little man.

And then Dave hit him with an alt-right attack, which is

you're

requests.

Damn, they really went for it.

They went nuts.

It is funny.

Over Zoom.

The libs love hitting that.

You're a little man.

You're a stupid.

You're a little bit small dick.

You're fucking gay.

You're like, hold on a second.

Isn't that

everything you don't.

I know, they do.

Yeah.

They love nothing more than talking about closeted Republicans, gay Republicans.

They're like, you guys are all gay and you want to sell your fucking dicks.

Those closeted Republicans are.

They're hilarious.

They're great.

Yeah, we got to let them be.

Yeah.

We got to let them be gay.

Let the boys be gay.

They just can't.

They got to be like fake Christians.

I know.

It's like, bro, just suck the dick.

He'd love it.

Also, they're more powerful.

Once Republicans are like, yeah, I'm sucking dick.

Now the left goes, ah, shit.

Fuck.

Because then you can make all the points.

You can go, bro.

Yeah, we need to go to war.

If you're a political science major, the first thing you should do, if you're a Republican political science major, you should be in college sucking as many dicks as possible so you can wipe the floor with people the on the monk debates.

I was genuinely talking to my agent yesterday and I was like, dude, I think I might just turn gay.

Yes.

I was like, once these tickets start drying up,

I'm fucking hitting the switch.

I'm going to be fucking rich.

I'm gay as hell now.

You can come back too.

Like Lil Nas X, I think, came back.

He got the gay bag and came back and was like, nah, he's not gay now?

I don't think he's gay no more.

There's no coming back from that, dude.

Yeah, he sucked the devil's dick.

Then he had a baby.

He had a baby?

Yeah, he had a baby like a couple, maybe like this.

It was like the little sparkly troll.

It's like, hold me, daddy.

The trolls deep cut.

All my friends with kids just have the sickest kids' movie.

Can you look up the glitter troll, Sean?

It says he does not have a baby, Lumer.

Death lies.

I've seen it on Twitter.

Oh, well, that's not what's true.

Oh,

maybe we'll, you know, maybe we get a clear answer on that.

Sean's saying...

Oh, he was pregnant.

Wait, Lil Nas X is pregnant.

It was a picture of him pregnant on the cover of his album.

And that was what made you think he had a kid?

Yeah.

Little Nas X is pregnant.

Wait, fuck, man.

LaMaire, the reputation of this podcast hangs upon the information you provide us.

Yeah, you guys are supposed to give us good info.

But if you're saying Lil Nas X was pregnant, I believe you did.

Yeah, the devil works in mysterious ways.

Gave the devil head and got pregnant.

Yeah, but I feel like he walked it back.

And he was saying he likes girls too, maybe.

I swear to God, I remember this.

Or maybe I was just hoping.

He does have some great songs.

Yeah, Lil Nas X.

He's got great songs.

Fucking rules.

Hitting, dude.

He's bisexual now.

Yeah, well, you're clearly gay.

Yeah, I wonder, man.

I don't know.

Yeah, I guess he, yeah, I guess he's he came across gay as can be.

I'm surprised.

He's like,

didn't uh, what's his name do that too?

Who's the gay British guy, blonde-haired

politician, uh, political guy?

Milo, Milo, Milo, yes, he did that as well.

Milo had some wild accusations.

He was saying he sugged somebody of high profile.

Someone of high profile said something.

He goes, yeah, that's why.

Remember, I sugged you?

Damn.

It was an actor, actually.

Now I remember.

It It was like a very high-ranking actor guy.

What?

And he was trying to talk shit on Milo.

He just

gave you heads.

Yeah, basically.

Trying to ruin his life.

Oh, dude, it was Toby.

He claims he sucked Toby Maguire's dick.

Oh, he claims he sucked Toby Muir.

No way.

He sucked Toby.

Yeah, Toby was saying something, and Milo, I think, came out of nowhere.

I was like, yeah, that's why I sugged yo, motherfucker.

No.

That's why I sugged yo, dick, motherfucker.

And it was like, take money.

It's a good comeback.

That's tough, man.

I mean,

yeah, what a fucking.

Hey, I don't know why.

I'm not saying I believe it.

I don't know what happened, but

that hurts, bro.

I feel like Toby's a pussy getting felt.

He was in the pussy?

Oh, he was he?

He was in the pussy posse.

Although, like I said.

David Blaine, Q-Tip.

Was it DiCaprio and Toby?

It was another hunk.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe DiCaprio.

I think it was DiCaprio, Toby, David Blaine, and Q-Tip.

They were the pussy squad?

They call themselves the Pussy Posse.

What?

And they would go out and get pussy.

Damn, they were doing.

It so cool in the 90s, early 2000s to be like, yo, we're the pussy posse.

Pussy posse.

Although, here's the thing.

It's like.

Yeah, they're big-time celebrities.

So it's like they're clearly getting pussy.

The fact that you're setting up the posse is like...

And you got a magician in the squad.

That's tough.

It's pussy time.

Yeah.

He's going to.

Yeah.

He's going to confuse the hoes.

He's going to hit him with a spell of confusion.

I still get mystery videos.

Remember Mystery from the pickup artist on VH1?

He's still doing seminars and shit.

We should get him on the pod.

He's nice.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

He talks about breaking into sets.

Remember?

What set?

A set is just like a group of girls.

Yeah.

Like, how would you, if you, if you saw a set, how would you approach the set?

I don't know.

I don't approach the set.

You wouldn't approach the set.

You hold frame and let the side.

I hold the frame, yes.

Mystery would agree with that.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, it's you definitely, you don't, what he was saying is you don't go up and say, I'll probably flash me.

Clear, flashbang.

Probably breach the door, quick flashbang, grab one of them.

Zip ties.

If that's your frame, I'm not going to hit your frame.

That's your frame.

That's a strong frame.

Five of us could easily do that, dude.

I'd need you guys to stack the door of twos on each side.

Maybe a battering ram.

Yeah, we should bring a ram to the club.

Yeah.

Just in case they want to lock a door.

Kick the door, have the party ball.

Just in case they lock the door.

Breach that, yeah.

I'll come in the back with the party ball and just fucking hit them in the mouth.

Remember party balls?

Dude, They were the sick.

I remember going to like my brother's college party.

Like, we have a party ball, and I'd be like, yo, dude, that's so much worse than a keg, but for some reason, so cool.

Yeah, it's like two cases of beer and a tiny little ball.

They were fucking sick, though.

They were sick.

But yeah, he said you should never, if you're approaching a set, you want to break into the set, you never lead with, like, hey, excuse me, I'm sorry.

He goes, why are you excusing yourself?

And what are you sorry for?

You never, you just, you walk up and you say, I'm here to talk to you now.

I got it.

like,

I'm not denying the guys.

Are it all just, you just have to be autistic?

Yeah.

I'm here.

I'm not sorry about anything.

I'd like to talk to you.

Yes.

You have to talk.

It's fucking crazy.

Or, but you can't be wanting anything.

I'd be going to steal out of you if he came over.

You'd fix the bayonet.

If I saw a guy do that, I would go, oh,

for King George.

Vive la France.

It's all about not wanting anything.

You have to come from a place of abundance and just walk up and be like, yo, the energy is just crazy in here.

Then just like walk away, very mysterious walk away.

Turn around and be like, don't you wish you could hang out with me?

And just like walk away.

Just go stand a couple feet away.

And go, all right, it's time to go back in and do the energy.

Four other boys dressed like a pirate of the Caribbean and just wait for the babe to come over.

They are the pirates.

Dude, for real.

Just wait, dude.

He was, dude, he was like the, I think he was like the granddaddy of Peacock, and that's where it all came from.

That's where Kirby's got it.

Yeah.

You just come up and you, you know, you break, then you bounce the set.

That has to be the most embarrassing phase to have gone through.

Yeah.

Like Girby's trying to peacock is the most embarrassing thing I've heard any of our friends do.

Stuff.

Like getting a big belt buckle.

That's what he did.

He went out and got a like big belt buckle to try to peacock.

Did you ever, when you were in college or like younger, try to play the numbers?

Did you ever try to play the numbers game?

What's that?

Where you just try to talk to as many women as possible.

I've never rejected you.

I've never really

just cold called the babes.

I've cold called the babes.

I've never cold called the babes.

I've done it.

You get like nine shots in you.

You just start walking up like, hey,

actually, I probably have and just don't, I guarantee you I haven't.

Just don't remember.

I've just been hammered and be like, should we kiss?

Ew.

Yeah, whatever, bitch.

Just, I remember like getting, waking up, just like semi-blacked out and having like...

new numbers and just no idea what these people look like being like hey what's going it's never went anywhere

yeah yo that was really really fun last night we should chill but the vibes in here were crazy vibes are fun the energy was nuts i'm coming from a place of texting you from abundance right now i'm not desperate to kiss you

yeah that uh that's gotta be

i feel like for young guys now

it's tough

yeah i i still feel like in terms of making the approach

oh yeah yeah the the rules have changed the rules have certainly went through a societal shift and you're not allowed to the approach is

a terrifying approach.

At the bar, I still think the move is to, like, and I've seen people do this out, and maybe it's just me, but I feel like you have to look like you're having more fun than you're actually having and try to attract the babes that way by having like the ultimate high-fives.

And I remember doing this, like,

semi-consciously in college, being like, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Fuck.

They don't think we're having that much fun.

This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

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There's nothing wrong with that.

No, it was a paint job.

Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel?

How much extra?

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Pretty much an extra pair per day.

Yeah, I always bring extra underwear.

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Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly.

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What is going on, dude?

How horny are these people?

What do they want to know?

There's got to be something about standing up, though.

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Guys, August 16th, it's coming up.

It's next week.

It's huge.

Yeah, it's huge.

Van Andel Arena, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

August 16th, it's going to be big.

And then take fly back

to Atlantic City.

After that, fly right back to Atlantic City, Ovation Hall, Ocean Casino Resort.

I wouldn't go to that.

I would go to Grand Rash Mountain.

No, that's good.

Oceans is going to be nuts.

Oceans will be sick.

This is going to be before or after the race.

After.

Oh, nice.

You get to talk about the race on the

big one.

I can think about that.

The whole time I run, I'm going to try to get a nice five minutes out of it.

You're going to get five out of that.

You definitely will.

It'll be nice.

It's slated to sell out.

It might not.

It's going to see.

That'll sell.

It's very close.

It's close.

It's close.

That thing's going to sell out in the hotel.

I hope it will.

I think it will.

And even if it doesn't, we're all going to have a good time.

Guys, 8 o'clock p.m., Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th.

Go to, where did you say you're playing?

Oh, 8 p.m.

Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not as good.

I was going to do the Atlantic City Arena, but I was like, you know what?

You know what?

I'm not going to do that to my fans.

Whatever.

You go to everyone you want.

I don't even care.

August 15th, Little Caesars in Detroit.

16th, Grand Rapids.

23rd, Milwaukee.

Oh, Milly Waukee.

And then, oh, never mind.

September 6th, Notre Dame Stadium.

That'll be sick.

That's going to be a bomb and a half.

That's going to be so bad.

But I'm just going to be happy to be there.

That'll be tight.

It'll be really uncomfortable.

That's actually, yeah, now that you say that, that's actually amazing to perform at the stadium.

You should wear pads, bro.

I'm going to be at Notre Dame this weekend.

Or tomorrow.

I go to Notre Dame tomorrow.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got to strap the pads on.

Line them up.

Oh, you should wear them for your set.

If you came out in pads, dude, and slowly fucking took them off.

Took the pads off.

Just wore football pants,

sleeveless under armor.

Put a locker room bench on stage and just sit on it every now and again.

Guys, dude, this is what it's all about.

The house that Rockney built.

All right.

Go see our shows.

August 16th in

Atlantic City.

Check it out.

Dude, I went to a bar this weekend.

It might have been the freakiest bar I've ever seen in my life.

Where was it?

It was in Austin.

It was like in East 6th Street.

And I did that birthday party for our friends.

We did 5K in the morning, second place.

Oh, man, I forgot about that.

Second place.

Second place.

We had a show on Friday, and he was like, fuck, I forgot I have this birthday party at 8 a.m.

of 5K.

I liked it.

That's the birthday party.

I liked it because I'm up anyway at 7 o'clock.

I hear you, but who's doing that?

Why are you doing that?

You're up, bro.

Why are you doing that?

My 40th is going up January.

It's going to be chilly.

We're going to do a 10K.

No, 10K.

Nice.

Well, I didn't know the route, so I had to just follow.

I was just following the pack.

Did you beat the birthday boy?

I did.

Last second, I sprinted ahead of him.

You have to.

I wanted gold.

You got the gold.

I thought we were doing a full 3.2 mile.

It ended up being like a 2.8, 2.9, so I didn't even know where the finish line was.

I was at 8 a.m.

on a Saturday.

I would have crushed that.

Easy, bro.

It was like 8.40, 8.40 miles.

Bro, I wanted gold so bad.

You know what's weird?

I've been running at the track.

Then you guys went to a freaky bar after?

Well, then it wasn't that was

classic running club shit.

Oh, yeah.

Freaky bar.

Dude, I went to the bar and it was.

I was fully ingratiated into the Austin community.

Nah, I got to do, this was a gentleman's running.

Running club then freak Jones.

A little freak off.

It was a freak off, bro.

Dude, this bar, the tips, the tips were,

it was like 20, 25%, and then there was 69% you could tip the bartenders.

Every time it got me, I'd be like, oh, this hit every crowd.

What were people wearing during the run?

Were the fellas popping the tops off for you?

No, it's pretty.

It was shirts.

That's good.

People were rocking shirts.

That's good.

I will say, it's in defense of running shirtless.

It's so much better.

Did the babes show out?

The babes were there at the finish line.

Oh, it was just a guy's 5K?

Yeah, the girls ran with the kids.

So the girls did like a one-miler with the kids.

That would have been so embarrassing.

I would have gone with the kids.

I would have been walking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can take a shortcut.

No one is watching.

I would have popped my shirt off and walked with the kids.

You could have lifted them.

We walked with the kids shirtless.

You should have shot put it.

The kids just fucking.

It was sick.

I've been like praying for that scenario to like sprint in front of

all the wives.

And I finally got to do it.

Yeah, you get to show them your power.

You're coming from a place of abundance, athletic abundance.

Yeah, just being like, bro, just, I just want you guys to.

You should probably like fake laugh as loud as you could to show them that that you're having a good time while you're sprinting.

Yeah,

I was, I wasn't salty, but I was like, I wanted to run.

I feel like I could have got first if we did the three full 3.2.

I don't want to like ruin the birthday vibes.

Say it's your birthday.

Why the fuck didn't we go full?

Just say your birthday's next week and go, it's five miles.

Just me versus one guy.

Only invite one guy.

Just do a 40-yard dash.

I was going to invite everyone's wives and be like, oh, fuck.

I didn't tell you.

I ran a race by myself.

You should put tickets on sale and get a crowd crowd and don't tell them.

This place is packed.

This is crazy.

That'd be kind of nice.

It was fun.

It was a fun way to start.

But yeah, we ended up in a freaky ass bar.

It was kind of, it was a little wild.

Very freaky place.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was just fucking weird, man.

I haven't been out like that in a while.

Were people crushing McClobes?

What were they crushing?

That's Runner's Club.

Cocktails.

D-Light.

Those cocktails.

I like cocktails.

Yeah, the bartender gave us like, he's like,

I'm going to give you some shots.

It was just literally like, it was just juice with a little bit.

But people kept thinking that I was buying shots for this whole bar.

I wasn't.

They're like, oh man, I'll get.

I was like, dude, someone's giving these to me.

They thought you were buying a bar.

I thought I was in a gay bar.

The whole time I was like, I went to the dude.

I'm like, yo, it was a freaky gay bar.

I thought it was because one of the

running club and then a freaky ass gay bar?

I thought it was a gay bar.

He was like, it's not a gay bar.

The Royals have gone to your head.

No, I thought I'd be crazy.

They're like, why are you crazy on the Royal?

So I went to this bar.

You tell me.

So I go to a bar.

One of the drinks itself was called like the Twitchy Twink.

I swear to God.

That's what I thought.

And then, dude, I'm ordering a drink for me and Brittany.

And a guy goes, like, how's it going?

And I'm like, okay, the guy's being, I'm in a gay bar.

And I told the party I was with, I'm like, yo, this is a gay bar.

And they're like, it's not a fucking gay bar.

I was like, a dude just talked to me.

This is definitely a fucking gay bar.

And they're like, no, it's not a gay bar.

But then someone I was with got kind of pressed by a lady.

It was like intense.

Nice.

Yeah, this lady just like walked up to him and just stared at him.

And then, and I was like, I thought, I was like, I thought you knew her.

And he was like, no.

I was like, what?

What kind of freaky ass place are we in?

Yeah.

And then she walked back with a dude and locked eyes on him again.

I was trying to tell him.

I'm like, bro, you might have to bull out.

Is she a single man?

No, hell no.

He was a married man.

Yeah.

Which is sick.

Maybe she was Chinese.

Maybe her husband was a Chinese.

He was like, this is a nice bar.

Why don't you drain your sack in my wife's shoes?

Drink a couple of twitchy twinks.

I swear to god,

it was the freakiest place I've ever been to in my life.

I mean, it might just be me.

My sexual vibes are crazy.

You're probably fucking so hoard.

It's insane, dude.

You're probably so horrible.

I finally, finally.

What the fuck is this?

All the guys are trying to fuck me.

Everyone wants to fuck.

69%.

Yeah,

I was getting horrible.

Just hitting the 69% on the little thing.

I was like, oh, fuck.

She knows.

Finally got blessed.

That night I I got blessed.

That's good.

I got blessed.

For the 5K, you got to get blessed.

5K.

And it was also a drunk wife action.

Drunk wife action.

Drunk wife action, bro.

It was the best.

You have freaky ass.

It's the best.

Yeah, it was nice.

So,

I don't want to get graphic, but I am going to.

I just want to paint the picture for the benefits, dude, of my new lifestyle.

Yeah.

My austere lifestyle.

Bro, I could have won again.

I swear to God.

You're out of control.

I could have ran it back.

Why didn't you?

I tried.

Oh, damn.

Got stuffed on the 2.6.

I conversion.

Got stuffed.

Go off for two.

It would have been a high pregnancy risk, though, because she was like, it was that time.

I mean, I caught the,

I mean, it was like the planet's full of turn two on the CP.

It was too.

Well, it was, it was full ovulation, drunk wife, which is the best.

I was coming off of, I claim it was a 14-day retention.

My wife's like, you're so dramatic.

It was maybe like seven.

I'm like, bro, it was four fucking.

I want to start dotting the calendar so I have proof.

You should.

Because I swear to God, it was 14 days.

Why not?

What's holding you back at this point?

You should have it in your family's kitchen.

That's the calendar I'm talking about.

Well, that's absurd.

You can't do it.

Just a tiny dot.

You literally can't do that.

Yes, I can't.

You can't.

Just a tiny dot.

You have kids, bro.

They don't know what it is.

Someday they will.

Just a tiny dot.

Someday they're going to see this episode episode and go, that's what those fucking dots were.

Ew.

Or they'll be like.

You're going to be dead by the way.

You're going to be Reided out.

You're going to have a Reid rage on the highway.

You're going to fucking jump in front of a car and go, stop.

Yeah, dude.

You can't put no gum dots on your family calendar.

Your daddy's doing daddy's dots, dude.

Disgusting.

Just a tiny flick of the pimp.

I found out my daddy was putting dots on the calendar.

Oh.

It's like.

You don't care that I'm being gaslit potentially.

I'm being fucking gaslit.

Keep the calendar

somewhere private.

I want my wife to see it.

Show her.

Keep it in your bedroom.

Nah, because, yeah, true.

Nah,

I should get my own special

calendar of like motorcycle babes and put it off on it.

Yes.

Yes.

I might start hanging up like study hard posters in my room.

For sure.

She's like horny college dorm posters.

You should.

That'd be awesome.

I could start with like a tasteful kind of like artwork of like a new lady.

And then those two girls kissing.

You remember that one?

That was like a famous.

It was in every college dorm.

It was two hot chicks in bed.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

It was too much.

I might get some like Afrocentric erotica and just like put it up.

Like, and it's like, I think it's a school.

It's beautiful art.

It's beautiful art.

And then slowly start stepping it down.

Like, this is more like pop arts collage I made myself.

yeah with a couple magazines

cut them out me and the kids sat down and did arts and crafts and cut out babes start a babe collage babe you know like grade school women put like all the hunks on

you should just put get a fucking hunk collage a hunk collage would be hunk collage would be sick i might put yourself in it

like you and robert pattinson and timothy shall

hunk collage is sick bro i might make my wife a hunk collage toss all your boys in it too just get the cool hunks and then toss all of us.

I'll get the best pictures of all of us, dude.

It'll be like, and we'll like, it'll make Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club in.

Just honks it up.

Dude, hitting your wife with like a,

you know, like a retro,

like a corkboard hunk collage for their birthday.

And then, yeah, just like a, and like, I'll get into good shape so I can take like pictures of myself as well.

I might just go a full boudoir.

Do like a one-on-one boudoir section and give it to my boudoir session and give it to my wife would be nice.

I'd be so happy if i found out you did that boudoir yeah i mean it would probably end our relationship but if i did a boudoir photo shoot for my wife i'd be furious why

no i'm kidding i'd be crazy

that would be so now if you did it to be funny yes that's obviously great yeah just you in a fucking uh

what are those called like a what's the thing that tightens your corset corset corset but just dicking nuts out that'd be nice yeah they make men's shapewear by the way

I might have to get into that.

Yeah, get some men's shapewear.

Just like fucking pop the fucking size in.

I'm on a mission now to get shredded, by the way.

Just get giant knockers.

Yeah.

Have everything sticking out.

Dude, I got, I was, uh,

I was confident in my body recently, and my youngest daughter came up to me.

She made a, there's like a Play-Doh ball, and she's like, here, dad, it's for you.

And I was like, thanks.

She's like, yeah, it's fat like you are.

And I was like.

All right.

I had to just be like, all right.

You should have fucking hit her.

Well, I was like, yeah, I ran into it.

So she said, now we we talk.

Yeah, true.

You should have shot the legs immediately.

I was like, well, actually, I'm doing more performance-based goals.

I don't care about aesthetics right now.

And then I was like, I was shirtless in front of a mirror.

I was telling it to Britney, and she like laughed and smacked my ass.

And it, like, dude, it my ass shook.

My side shook.

And then my belly, it all like went all the way up to the top.

And I was like, I need to lose fucking 10 pounds.

This is bullshit.

That's crazy.

She hit a chain reaction jiggle.

Then she commented on it.

She goes, oh my God, man.

It got it moving.

I was like, all right.

Just being fucking devastated.

You're in a girl.

You're you're in girl worlds.

I was raised in the darkness.

I was born in the darkness.

You got to just plow through it, dude.

You got to go.

I don't give a fuck.

Fuck you.

That's what I'm saying, man.

Yeah, let's race, dude.

Let's fucking, I'll race my whole family.

I'll smash you.

I'm a fist fight right now.

Also, man, I'm definitely doing the dots on the calendar now that I think about it.

Yeah, true.

If I didn't know the kids were talking shit, too.

Yeah, it's dot time.

Dots.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Daddy's dots.

I'll have my bike.

You put a dot on there for a daddy real quick.

Oh, my God, dude.

All I'm saying is the last time that way I can like, she's like, you're being dramatic.

I could walk downstairs, take a picture and say, here.

July 14th.

Yes.

That was my last chrome.

That was my last one.

Try to beg for the back.

The back-to-back would have been nice.

Would have been awesome.

It was tight.

You feel really good about yourself when

you turn two like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I haven't done that in forever.

But here's the thing.

There was no guarantee.

I could have obviously lost it as soon as I could have lost my helium as soon as I put it in there.

Sometimes you lose your helium.

Honest attempt.

Sometimes you go for it.

You got stuffed on the goal.

You got stuffed in the one, dude.

That happens.

That's good, though.

Now you got field position.

True.

Now they're going to play out of the back of the end zone.

Come on.

True.

But yeah, dude, I'm telling you,

I hit the rocks, man.

What do you got?

You guys have an issue?

No.

I'm in a really vulnerable place right now.

You guys whispering is not helping me.

What were you whispering about?

Oh, you guys are too busy talking about your show tonight.

No, I'm sorry.

What's going on with your big show?

No, I like it.

Why can't we talk about it?

Oh, is it something negative happening?

Every time I check in with you guys, you're like talking shit on someone.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had to have a chat with the boys.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

We were drinking.

Really?

I had to get fellas.

Held a council.

You guys got to stop with this negativity.

It's true.

Just do it.

True.

But, you know, who am I to judge?

I was.

Well, we tell you that people will be like, it was like, okay, gay.

All right, just edit it out.

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Don't tell me.

Wow, wow, Wes.

That happens.

And we're back.

Yeah.

It was it was a

slightly gay.

Yeah

Slightly gay.

You guys are sensitive could have waited till that

fired up

You guys are fighting for your fucking lives down here.

Was it was it like that in Philly?

No you guys weren't so aggressive back then.

No, I was I was in Philly.

Yeah, I remember you in Philly.

You turned into a little nasty fuck there.

I'd get wind of it.

You'd be a helium like I'm the fucking best.

I'll bury anybody here.

I've been very nice down here.

Yeah, you can't do that.

Well,

you guys were seniors in high school.

Now you're college freshmen.

Yeah.

Now you're a 40-year-old freshman.

It's just growing pants, dude.

You guys will be all right.

I can't talk.

I've been bombing.

I've been chucking up fucking eggs, dude, at open mics.

Which is all part of the process.

It is, and that's the hardest part.

I'm not good at that.

I can take, bro, I can bomb and just hit the road whistling and just be like, all right.

Yeah.

I did it.

I mean, it didn't feel great last night.

I was like, yeah, it's not the best in the world.

Especially when you're like,

when you literally, your mind falls apart and you're like, oh, yeah, I fucking stink right now.

I was like, they're about to get hit with a real pro.

It's about to change the fucking tone of this 12 people in the room and it's just.

instantly come out and be like, I've been depressed for two weeks.

And I don't know, guys.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I started like that.

12 people in the room is a guaranteed.

It's going to be a bad show.

I know.

It was.

It was bad.

But still, I wanted to hold frame.

I was not coming from a place of abundance.

Yeah.

I think you bragged about your abundance, isn't that?

I did.

Yeah.

He said I was depressed.

And I was like, yeah, I'm too motherfucking loaded to be depressed.

Dude, people are like, yeah, I hate you more now.

Yeah, I'm depressed, but I'm so rich.

All right, kill him.

Give him still.

I thought it'd be funny.

It is funny.

I thought it'd be, it was funny to me.

That is funny.

I laughed.

I was on the bird scooter on the way home.

I was like, that was funny.

Yeah, fuck that.

Dude, I was on the scooter today Oh, catching air on Airport Boulevard.

It was crazy.

I got a new ramp.

There's a new ramp on Airport Boulevard.

Really?

Yeah.

I was on the way to the gym.

There's a new ramp.

I was catching it.

I was like, just praying to God.

I'm like, please let someone I know see me ramping on Airport Boulevard.

That's all I want.

How much air do you think you caught?

That's a lot.

On a line?

That's not bad.

It wasn't bad.

That's a heavy fucking.

I surprised myself.

I can kind of bunny hop them, if I'm being honest, but getting a little ramp like full speed downhill was, felt good.

Felt good, dude.

Also, too, in the

I was at, there's an I've been noticing a new evolution at the gym.

So, you know, there are tortoises, right?

Yeah.

It's pretty rare, but I've seen some tortoises are going towards the weights,

and

there might be a new form.

Yeah.

It's a Blastoise.

When the tortoise, the tortoise have been getting jacked, dude, and evolving into Blastoises.

It's kind of nice.

I've seen some Blastoise.

I know a couple Blastoise.

I've followed their Instagram.

I've watched them transform into full Blastoise.

It's fucking nice, man.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a good move.

I've noticed women getting into bodybuilding.

Yes.

They call it like bikini model.

Yeah, have you seen that on?

You ever follow an IG lady that changed her life?

I knew someone in real life who did this a while back.

They became like a female.

It's not like a full bodybuilder.

They get fucking shredded, dude.

They get shredded.

And then they do blackface for the competition like the guys do.

It's fucking crazy.

Yeah, it's pretty wild.

They get trumped up.

I guess when you do blackface like that, it shows your muscles more.

It does, for sure.

For real, yeah.

You black body out.

Yeah, it shows your muscles more.

That's all it is.

That's why I dude, you guys can't tell.

I'm fucking jacked.

I know.

I'm just too pale.

Dude, those competitions, too, like, a lot of those guys get naked for the spray tan.

For sure, yeah.

So, like, the bodybuilding competitions, you go back and you just bust out Dong and a lady just sprays you down.

It's pretty crazy.

That's crazy.

The bodybuilding world is definitely one of the most wild things.

It's fucked up.

It's a wild group of people.

It's a wild group of bros.

Yeah.

But would you, I don't know.

I feel like I would still like, I'd be like, you could just hit my legs.

I'm not showing.

Yeah, just have a pale patch right in my fucking bikini.

Just cubes popping out.

But yeah,

the female fitness model thing is kind of weird.

Do any bodybuilders not do the tan?

It'd be nice to hit it with just full pale.

Yeah, no, I think they all hit the spray tan.

And I guess if you're like a black bodybuilder, you just oil up big time.

Hit the baby oil.

So I think there's something about you want to get like glistening.

You want to get like wet and glistening looking.

That's fucking weird.

You're trying to win the competitions.

I know.

What do they win?

Like protein powder?

You win for real, like a trophy, and you win like a protein powder might be like, we'll sponsor you.

It is nice to have that trophy.

Yeah, it'd be awesome.

Most jacked dude in the region.

Yeah, it's fucking sick.

Can't get it, you guys.

I think bodybuilding's gay.

Bodybuilding, everyone's gay.

Everyone thinks it's gay.

Yeah, it's like super gay.

I mean, tell that to Lou Frigno, bro.

Lou Frigno, super gay.

Arnold, Lou Frigno, Ronnie Coleman.

It was Ronnie Coleman, the black dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, Ronnie Coleman.

Yeah, Bobby.

Don't make me talk bad about Ronnie Coleman.

Well, you just called him gay.

You called him gay.

Well, yeah.

That's not bad.

You got me.

I'm telling you, the nocturnal boys have become nasty, little fuck.

Look at you throwing your boys under the bus.

Not me.

Nasty fucks.

I'm Zendini.

No, you're not Zendini.

The Zendini talks crazy.

No, I am.

Zendini talks crazy.

Especially after my mudda left.

I am embarrassed.

What?

You're embarrassed at all.

I don't feel Italian, and then my mudda comes around, and I just love her so much.

And it's embarrassed.

Yeah.

That's so crazy.

It's the most Italian.

Yeah, you're definitely not Irish.

What a freak is, but it's a poet.

You bring your mom around, you go, oh my God.

I miss my mother.

I love my mommy.

Yeah, but I don't want to fucking hang out with her.

Yeah, I guess we don't.

I love her, but

we have a lot of comments.

We don't really have good conversations.

Yeah,

I just see in her house.

Yeah.

That's why I like to talk to my mommy.

Guard dog was trying to bring her her to the fucking bar with us.

No, I was just busting your chops.

I think you were feeling it out a little.

I did not.

No matter what you think.

He was feeling it out.

No, that's not true.

It's settled.

I wouldn't do that.

It's settled.

You can bring mommy.

I did have the plumbing issue where I almost had.

My house was almost filled with girl poop for a moment.

What?

All the women in his life were dumping his house.

We were probably saving it for your house.

We went to Terry Black's and they got

so much all the way from Jersey.

they brought that

they brought that down south that was an airdrop yeah a nice jersey girl

jersey fucking dump

nice sub for the nice jersey sub yeah hokeies dang so they were dumping out in your house big time

oh yeah yeah remember my mom collapsed the ceiling

it's the funniest thing in the world

poops

yeah i still hold it down girl dumps are

horrific unbelievable how bad they are we had to go somewhere else so they could all defecate.

Huh?

We had to go someplace.

We sing to the YMCA to drop dumps.

We dropped dumps.

We went to the bar so they could poop.

You went to the bar to take dumps?

Yeah, there's one like right around the corner from my house.

Damn.

Damn, you had to load up the car and go, all right, everybody, wait till everybody has to shit and then we'll go.

Yes, that's exactly what I did.

I mean, that's kind of how we do it.

Yeah.

You get to the bar, you go, oh, fuck, I forgot that shit.

Was it a,

was there two, because they go like side by side or they have to wait?

Uh, There was a few bathrooms, so they all just went at once.

No way.

Did you stay?

They all went at once?

I think they were all holding it, and they all embarrassingly were like, we all have to poop one by one.

So I was like, all right, we could go someplace.

Yeah, we can hit this.

And you should have monitored the bathroom and let them know if the smell level is going to be bad.

I didn't do that.

All right, guys, flush it.

Come on, flush it.

Oh, but Johnny Ruder saves me.

Shout out to Johnny Ruder Plumbing.

Nice.

I love you, 24-7 Plumbing.

That's nice.

And it's really funny when the family dumps.

We used to race

after church.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

The after-church race to the turlet.

The whole family.

Yeah.

Of big dogs just rumbling to the turlet.

Me and my brothers used to race to the turlet after church, but for different reasons.

For various reasons.

To get rid of that dot.

There were no dots on the calendar of the Coscar house.

The Nikki Secret catalog would come into the house and it would just be tribal warfare the whole time.

Dude, where is it?

Dude, you fucking, yeah, just first one gets it.

I mean, this is graphic, but

first one gets it, it would fucking glaze it right away.

It would just be fucking, it would just be stuck.

Jesus Christ, dude.

That's so fucked up.

It was crazy.

When I was a little boy, I had to fucking spray the magazine.

I could not do it.

Like, when I was a little kid, I was just like...

I sprayed a maxim once.

Felt real weird about it.

I fucking loved it.

Yeah.

I would spray it, wipe it off, and just fold it up and put it in a drawer and be like, all right, those pages.

That's my little secret.

Those pages are done.

I would just work my way through.

Yeah, it's kind of funny.

Tear the page out.

It's kind of fucked up.

Splash it.

You have to destroy it.

Yeah.

Put it right back together.

Thing lays fucking 10 pounds.

Just men in big white suits who have to come take it away.

Dang, dude.

Yeah, the race back from church was nice.

Yeah.

Dumping.

I told you they used to make me run, right?

No.

My family, it was a fun game we had.

They would make me get out of the car at the entrance to my neighborhood and race the car home.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, I thought I was fast as shit.

I would fall every single time.

I would hit a curb every single time.

They thought it was the funniest.

It must have been so funny.

It was hilarious.

See me sprint home from church.

Just in like a

khakis.

Yeah, I was about to say a striped polo shirt and khakis just falling.

It's so funny.

Oh, it's exactly.

Were they keeping they were keeping the car kind of like?

They were keeping the car exactly my speed and like speeding up.

So I'd be like, oh.

Yeah, it's good shit.

That is such a funny thing to do to be like, dude, I'll fucking beat you.

You're faster than the car.

This is crazy.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a weekly tradition.

As a kid, I had, up until like high school, I had the most outlandish sense of confidence about so many different things.

Yeah.

It slowly just got all that had to be like, oh, shit.

All right.

Come on.

Fuck.

God damn it.

I'm not fast at all.

I'm not that strong.

Being fast was such a flex

when you were a kid.

Yeah.

It's funny hyping, like, especially boys being like, damn, bro, you're fast as hell.

And they'll instantly be like, you think so?

And

take off.

Show you.

Yeah.

It's so like, oh my God, dude.

Yeah.

Now, though, it's kind of, I think it's embarrassing to be fast.

What do you mean?

Just like a fast guy?

What are you fucking fast for?

I mean,

no, not coming at you.

I don't know.

I know you're flying.

I want to make sure.

I don't know what side I fall in this.

If I were to do like a 115,400 this morning, like, would I be

if you ran a 115, 400?

I'm not talking fast, like, uh, I'm not talking distance here.

I'm talking about just a dude that's you know working in an office and fast as hell.

It's crazy.

I see them every morning.

There's dudes.

I watched some track yesterday.

Did you really?

I watched some track and field.

What who was

it was the U.S.

qualifiers,

some fucking high school kids top three he was 16 years old he ran like a

i forget what it was like he ran the 800 it was insane how fast he was

yeah i saw those handicapped swimmers man they were fast as shit dude they were dude 50 meters doing i think they're doing like 22 seconds 50 meters in 22 seconds is crazy they didn't seem too fucking handicapped

they were fucking flying dude yeah i didn't see any i didn't really see a lot of missing fucking things i saw i think their legs were fucked up i think they were all arms There was a couple guys that were all arms.

Yeah.

There's one guy without arms.

What?

Dolphins.

Underwater.

It's fucking crazy.

Yeah, you mermaids out the whole way.

Yo, that's crazy.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Who are you guys looking at?

The fact is

you guys are talking speed.

It made me think of this guy.

He's just, he just grabs things.

Yeah, he grabs things as fast as he can.

He's the man.

He's the man.

That's kind of nice.

That's another thing that's cool.

Yeah.

No, you see, like, the serious runners at the track, and they're like, they're freaks, dude.

I did did the 400, I gave it my all, and there was a guy who was just doing that pace, just non-stop around the track.

And I was just like, bro, I don't know how you do that.

Although he was fucking ripped.

I'm fat as hell.

So, Matt, come on, man.

You've got a perfect bod right now.

I thought I did.

I thought I did.

Matt, your bod's fucking rocking.

I thought my bod was rocking, but it's.

Your bod's rocking, dude.

Don't let those little fucks get in your head.

Dude, they're killing me.

Your daughter's getting your head.

I was just, I was.

They're actually learning, dude.

They're learning the ways of the woman.

Oh, they're killing, dude.

Crush me.

And also, now, Chloe, if if I drop anything, she goes, fuck.

That's awesome.

Because she's heard me say it so many times.

I won't even say it.

I'll drop something.

She goes, fuck.

That's awesome.

It's so funny.

Yeah, when little kids swear, it's so, especially when they know the right context.

Yeah.

I have to, like, I'll be like, I was like, dude, no, you're good.

Don't, you don't have to do that.

She'll be like, okay,

fuck.

Yep.

So nice.

Anytime I call my sister,

she's on speakerphone and the kids are in the car and I never know.

So I'm like, this fucking guy,

the kids, immediately, you hear Anthony like, fucking,

fucking.

Katie be like, hey, you don't what I'm saying?

You hear him laughing.

Yeah, the key is to not freak.

You'd be like, oh, okay.

Or if you go, if you like, calmly or go, yo, that's a really bad word.

They're like, what?

No, I didn't know that.

That's serious stuff.

That's a bad word.

They're going to get you.

And they're scared of the police.

You had kids with like, yeah, the police could come get you.

I remember the fear of the police.

Prank called 911 once from the park, and a cop showed up and just ran through a field crying.

Yeah, Brittany would be like, I don't want them to be afraid of the police.

I'm like, dude, I'm sorry, but I'm definitely going to use this on them every time I have to.

Yeah.

That's fine.

I was calling the police officers.

They're like, no, yeah.

I told you, Maya found out I had gone, I had gotten arrested before.

She was talking about like cops getting bad guys.

And I was just like, you know, I got arrested once.

She was like,

what?

Yeah.

What happened?

I was like, I was just being bad.

Just being a bad guy.

She's like,

it was actually really sweet.

She was like, it's okay.

I love you even though you got arrested by the police.

I was like, thank you, Maya.

That's really nice.

She thinks if you get a, she thinks they're like a monster.

She really thinks cops are out there getting like,

you know, people from like TV shows who are like trying to like, yeah, decimate cities.

Yeah.

So whenever like someone's pulled over, she's like, damn, they got a bunch.

That guy was trying to blow up Austin.

For real.

That guy.

She's like, oh, my God.

He got a nuclear bomb in his car.

They think there's like a real supervillain.

I can't judge.

I think that.

She sees someone getting pulled over.

I'm like, drugs, drugs in the trunk.

There could be a shootout right now.

If there's more than one cop car, I'm like, this is fucking serious.

Apparently, they have to do that.

They're like supposed to have someone else.

They're like, who have anything better to do?

It's like they need another guy there, apparently.

So, yeah, that happens every time.

I think that happened to us in South Carolina.

It happens all the time.

Yeah, they pull up.

One guy gets you, and then another car comes.

You're like, oh, great, fellas.

You guys are really fucking bringing out the whole force for this.

Jaywalking, huh?

Well, it was nice when the older cops gave the young cop hell.

And he was like, oh, nice.

You got some Jaywalkers.

Nice work, guys.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Yeah, that fucking rolled.

Yeah, being a cop.

That was a great night.

I came.

That was a festival.

I remember being just drunk enough to talk shit to the cops.

Yeah.

Oh, dude.

I thought for sure I was so stoned.

And you weren't even talking shit.

You were just laughing at the guy to his face.

Yeah, that was crazy.

He'd be like, you got to do this.

And he'd be like, bah.

And I was like, come on, please.

Don't let us get arrested.

I don't want to get arrested.

That guy, he was.

He was a fucking dork.

He's stunk, dude.

Yeah.

Young cops are for real the worst.

The young gung-ho out of the academy.

They like sped up to try to like almost fucking hit us.

Yeah, it was kind of nuts.

He was so far away.

I was across the street.

Yeah, well, I was moving a little slow.

My church days are.

No, no, no.

You were ahead of me.

I waited.

You ran across, and I waited, and I saw the cops get you, and I was like...

I just got to go over there.

Maybe I can smooth it out.

And he was like,

I had a giant bowl in my pocket.

I had a fucking like wizard pipe this big in my pocket.

And he was like, and I was like, I thought I was going to buy, I was going to buy like honesty points.

And I was like, It was like a 20-year-old cop.

I was like, Uh, I just want to be honest here.

I do have a pipe on me, a giant, very ornate thing.

I feel like he gave it, didn't he give it back?

I feel like he gave it back.

I think he may have.

I think he gave me that was all the veteran

that showed up and was like, dude, what are you doing?

He definitely didn't smash it.

I remembered he was being real serious.

Oh, he was about to jaywalker.

He was such a dickhead about it.

Do you have any weed on you?

I said, No, sir.

No, smoked it all, chiefed it.

Who chiefed it?

Your armor.

Who chiefed it?

How nice were the nugs?

Oh.

Yeah, dude.

Great trip.

Hotel pools.

Cell phone.

That was all driving, too.

Yeah, it was a good time.

Nothing but driving.

That was nice as a feature.

You brought your own support.

Crazy.

Brought those.

Crazy move.

Yeah, they never worked with me again.

And then we just hackled the fucking headliner the whole time.

It was a real dickhead move.

No, that was warranted, man.

He was, yeah, he was being a dickhead.

But if I were him,

I would have been so sad.

If the feature brought a host and they were mean to me, I was making fucking two weeks.

We stayed in the same place.

I do remember at one point

I was getting assy toward the guy, and it was, yeah, it was just too hard not to.

Yeah, he was dork.

He was a huge dork.

It was blood in the water.

We were abusing substances.

Getting drunk and be like, fucking dork, shut the fuck up, dude.

Just in the comedy guy.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, that's, dude, that's the, uh, that was the Dave Smith debate.

It was for real, a pure bully session.

That's right, dude.

It was a bully sesh.

He just bullied the guy the whole, he laughed in his face, bullied him.

The guy was being ridiculous, but just, it was like, it was rough just watching it.

It was like a pure,

I mean, it was literally like a

like a New York Times nerd

who just couldn't, he couldn't have, he couldn't come up with like any cool comebacks.

Yeah, and it was just Dave Smith who's been type of guy you really want to punch in the belly.

In the oh, yeah, dude, the New York Times guy, especially when he hit finally to go, because he'd be like, at first, he was like, play the video.

They play, he plays a video from 10 years ago.

Literally, Dave laughs in his face.

It's like, you are a fucking loser.

And the guy doubles down and goes, play it again.

He's like, why would he play again?

He's just played again.

And it was, it was, dude, it was rough, man.

It was so bad.

Then eventually he took the bait and he goes, You're just a little man,

a little man from Brooklyn, and I'm not afraid of you.

Oh, I'm not afraid of you.

I'm not afraid of you.

Wow.

Dave hit him with tough talk.

He hit him with like the tough guy Zoom being like, Oh, you're pretty tough on Zoom, aren't you?

He goes, You're a little man.

And Dave stunned him with the Moab.

And he just goes,

You can tell it hit him too, man.

He for real.

It does hit you.

Oh, somebody who genuinely hits you with the Moab dude with it.

A Zoom Moab.

Wow, wow.

And you can tell.

He was sitting back with his fucking wife in bed after.

Just getting out of the way.

How'd the Zoom go?

I'll tell you, the guy called me a.

I called him a scared little man.

By the way, when you say scared little man,

I hate to break it to you.

What you're essentially calling somebody is the Moab.

Yeah.

They're dancing around it.

They dance around the Moab.

You're a scared little man in a pink sweater.

You're calling someone gay.

It's kind of funny, and you kiss guys.

You're calling someone gay if you're going, you're a little man.

You're an effeminate little man.

But yeah, that was.

I highly recommend watching that.

It's very, very funny.

I should give it a watch.

That sounds great.

You should give it a watch in between.

It's very fucking funny.

Yeah,

let's watch it now and then switch to the page.

Let's let do it.